Punch 1891-09-12: Vol 101 Iss 2618

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SOCIETY | ozonan DU MAURIER. | PICTURES Parts I, & I1., 5/6 each, Nos. 1 to 11, From | “PUNCH.” Volume I., 1 BSBATUROAY ‘ith if ry i I a Lulu EVERY Ly N° 2618. VOLUME PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER 12, One Shilling each. _ ‘A pleasanter or wittier companion it would be hard indeed to find,” | “Tot h is to look into a social kaleidoaco | “To turn over the 1 | , pages is to be mes 7 | “Charming volume full of quaint conceits."-pary TELEORAPE. _ “Refined humour never had a more sumptuous se‘ting.”~GhAPRAY” “The beau ideal of a drawing-room book."—party CHRONICLE. — “BONSd BIYHL BOId TP —_—___ = a Pee oY : SE aS rH -~ % ‘2 ~ y OE , y 3 , J LONDON. CADBURY'S COCOA ABSOLUTELY PURE THEREFORE BEST. Kegistcred at the Gemeral Post Office as » Newspaper.)

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— Sepremper 12, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 121 —_—_ —— SOME CIRCULAR NOTES. Cuarter IV. Relief -En roiture— Politeness Caves—Starting— Cocher— Duet. Cathedral. Grand. As I am not making notes for a book, shall say nothing about it. ‘* Don’t mention it.” I Much struck by the calm air of repose about Reims. So it, that Davsrnet’s irrepressible singing in the solemn court- f the Hotel comes quite as a relief. It is an evidence of life. Hotel’s exceptional quietude suggests the idea of its being con- like a prison on the silent system, with, of course, dumb- siters to assist in the peculiarly clean and tidy salle d manger. ‘Petzikoff! Blass the Prince of Warnes!” sings out Dausrver, Mark- Tapley-like spirits would probably be only exhilarated lonely night in the Catacombs. Then he shakes hands with me ntly. In Franc® he insists upon shaking hands on every sible oceasion with anybody, in order to convey to his own intrymen the idea of what a thorough Briton he is. Vous avez eu votre café? Eh bien alors—allons! pour passer n ami Vesquier,” says Davprnet, at the same time signal- ’ . +: 3 Solemnity Calling—Ca!res - a meandering fly -driver who, having pulled up near the| Cathedral, is sitting lazily on his box perusing a newspaper. He looks up, catches sight of Davusrnet, nods, folds up the paper, sits mn it, gives the reins one shake to wake up the horse, and another, with a crack of his whip, to set the sleepy animal in motion, and, the animal being partially roused, he drives across the street tous. Davprver lirects him, and on we go, lumbering and rattling through the town, meeting only one other voiture, whose driver appears infinitely amused at his friend having obtained a fare. Some chaff passes between them, which to me is unintelligible, and which Davsrner professes not to catch, but I fancy, whatever it is, it is not highly compli- mentary to our cocher’s fares. In one quarter through which we drive, they are setting up the booths and roundabouts for a Fair. ‘They can’t do much business here,” I observe to my companion. ‘Immense!’ he replies.—** But there ’s no one about.” “There will be,” he returns. ‘‘ Manufacturing town—everybody engaged in business. Bell rings—Caramba ! out they come, like the cigarette - makers in Carmen.”’ Here he hums a short musical extract from Buizet’s Opera, then resumes— ‘‘Town’s all alive — then, after dinner, CK to business =~ ning time out to y, to cafés, to the ! God save the ey ~ 4 as SS there’s no- ug doing at night, as we saw when arrived yesterday,” I observe. “No,” says Davpinet; “ itisan early Then he sings, ‘‘ If you ’re wa- he pronounces it ‘* whacking ”’— ll me early, mothair dear!” finishing up with a gay laugh, and a guttural ejaculation in Russian; at least, I faney . t ‘*Ah! voila!” We have pulled up before a very itis Russian. Re ~ * yard still to be seen in some of our old London City houses-of- yusiness. This, however, is modernised with whitewash. Her | also, it being a Continental court-yard, are the inevitable orange- | A few pigeons | trees in huge green tubs placed at the four corners. feeding, a blinking cat curled up on a mat, pretending to take no sort of interest in the birds, ~ a little child playing with a cart. Such is this picture. Externally, not much like a house of business but it is, and of big business too. We enter a cool and tastefully furnished apartment. Here M. Vesqurer receives us cordially. he says, in good plain English, with scarcely an accent **Now Davpriver has brought you here, we must show you the ’ calves, and then back to breakfast. Will that suit you?” ** Perfectly.” I think to myself—why “calves”? It sounded | like *‘ calves,” only without the **8.”" Must ask presently M. Vesavrer begs to be excused for a minute; he will return directly. I look to Davprner for an explanation. ‘* We are, then, | going to see a farm, I presume?’ I say to him. ‘ Farm!” exclaims | Dauprnet, surprised. ‘* Que roulez-rous dire, mon cher ?"’—** Well, | didn’t Mister—Mister——” ‘ Vesquier,” suggests Dauprvet. ** Yes, Mister Vesquren—didn’t he say we were to go and “‘ see the calves ?—C’ est a dire,’ I translate, in despair at Daupinet’s utterly | puzzled look, ** que nous trons avec lui ad la ferme pour voir les reaur the calves.”"—*‘ Ha! ha! ha!” Off goes Davariver into a roar. | Evidently I’ve made some extraordinary mistake. It flashes across |me suddenly. Owing to M. Vesqurer’s speaking such excellent | English, it never occurred to me that he had suddenly interpolated the French word * cares” as an anglicised French word into his speech tome. This accounts for his suppression of the final consonant. “Ah!” I exclaim, suddenly enlightened ; I see—the cellars.” | “* Pou ni my?” cries Davervet, still in eestasies, and speaking | Russian or modern Greek. ‘‘ Da !—of course—c’ est ¢a—nous allons voir les caves—the cellars—where all the champagne is. Karrascho!"’ At this moment M. Vesqurer returns. He will just take us | through the offices to his private rooms. Clerks at work everywhere. Uncommonly like an English place of business: not much outward difference between French clerks in a large house like this and English ones in one of our great City houses; only this isn’t the City, but is, so to speak, more Manchesterian or Liverpoolian, with the immense advantage of being remarkably clean, curiously quiet, and in a pure and fresh atmosphere. that I know all about it, I trust to getting Dauvpiner alone and obtaining definite information from him. Are they Vesquier’s caves | we are going to see? ‘‘ No,” Davarver tells me presently, — surprised at my ignorance ; ‘‘ we are going to see les caves de perie—Porr & Co., only Co.’s out of it, and it’s all Porr now. ’op- ‘* Now then, Gentlemen,” says the gérant of Porr & Co, “ here's a | voiture. We have twenty minutes’ drive.” The Popp-Manager points out to me all the interesting features of the country. Davpinet amuses himself by sitting on the box and talking to the coachman. ‘It excites me,” he explains, when requested to take a back seat inside—though, by the way, it is in no sense Daupryet’s métier to ‘*take a back seat,”’—‘‘it excites me—it amuses me to talk to a cocher. On ne peut pas causer avec un vrai cocher tous les jours.” / { | ide-door is immediately opened, and a neat elderly woman answers DaUBINET’S inquiries to his perfect satisfaction. ** Vesqurer est chez lui. Entrez done!” porteress. When abroad, an Englishman should never omit the clean-looking and handsome facade. The carriage-gates are closed, | We enter, profoundly saluting the | smallest chance of taking off his hat and bowing profoundly, no | matter to whom it may be. Every Englishman abroad represents * All England ”’—not the eleven, but the English character generally, and therefore, when among people noted for their politeness, he should be absolutely remarkable for his courteous manners. As a rule, to which there can be no exception taken, never lose any opportunity of lifting your hat, and making your most polished bow. This, in default of linguistic facility, is universally understood and appreciated in all civilised countries. In uncivilised countries, to remove your hat, or to bow, may be taken as a gross outrage on good manners, or as signifying some horrible immorality, in which case the offender would not have the chance of repeating his well- intentioned mistake. But within the limits of Western enlighten- ment to bow is mere civility, and may be taken as a preface to con- And presently we see them gesticul He | has a military bearing, suggesting the idea of a Colonel en retraite. | I am preparing compliments and interrogatories in French, when | I don’t clearly understand | what M. Vesevrer’s business is, but as he seems to take for granted | versation ; toomit it is to show lack of breeding and to court hostility. Therefore, N.B. Rule in trarelling—Bow to everybody. And this, by the way, is, after all, only Sir Pertinar Maesycophant’s receipt tor getting on in the world by “ boo’ing and boo’ing. We pass through a courtyard, reminding me of the kind of court- | both at once, Daverxet, of course, is speaking English and various | | other languages, but as little French as possible, to the evident bewil- | derment of the driver. DAUBINET 1s y rfectly happy. ‘* Petzikoff' | Blass the Prince of Wartes!” I hear him bursting out occasionally. Whereat the coachman smiles knowingly, and flicks the horses. VOL. CT, M

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122 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serrener 12, 189], sert 7 THE TWO WINDS. “we { ' for the £1891. Imitated—at a distance—‘rom Hans Andersen's celebrated Tale of ‘‘ The Four Winds,”) P “Hi . . . . . . “Oh, do for pity’s sake, stop them!” cried AGRICULTURA, 8. Tue Mother of the Winds (acting as locum tenens for her Clerk of struggling hard to keep herself and her garments together. ‘It | the Weather, who, sick of his own unseasonable work, was off to seems as though the heavens have become one vast sluice, that keeps ° |r pend his annual holiday with Mr. Ropert Lovis Stevenson in the pouring down water, as my predecessor, the Prince, put it. || uu Pacitic Isles), received the desperately damp, dishevelled, blown-about, on not a dry thread about me. Please put them in their Bags uy ind almost heart-broken Princess AGricuLrvra at the door of the Cave. do—whilst I have a little talk with you about them, and the m “Oh, here you are again!” she cried, *‘ once more in the Cavern mischief they have been doing.” of the Winds! And this time you have brought two of my sons Two prolonged chuckles, a deep stentorian one and a — | | with you, I see,” she added, pointing to the South Wind and the staccato one, came from the two Bags already hanging to the wa u West Wind, who were blowing away at the Princess like bellowsy of the Cavern, from whence subsequently protruded the round ruddy tl blends of Blizzards, Cloud-bursts, Tornadoes and Tritons. form of the North and the pinched figure of the East Wind. ! —

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SerremBer 12, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “Ho! ho! ho!” chortled the North Wind, chokingly. » says J do all the damage ?”’ he! he!” smiggeréd the East Wind, raspingly. "ho is the pickle ont spoil-sport now, I should like to ‘Shut up!” said the Mother of the Winds, sharply. ‘And as to you two,” she added, turning to the South and West Winds, ‘‘if you don’t stand still and give an int of yourselves, 1’ll pop you ‘=to your respective Bags in the twinkling of a hundred-ton gun!” ‘Why. who is she, that she should call us over the clouds?” eried the two Winds, stopping their blowing a bit, and pointing to the Princess. She is my guest,”’ said the old woman; “and if that joes not satisfy you, you need only get into the Bags. Do | 1 understand me now ?”’ Well, this did the business at once; and the two Winds, | na breath, began to relate whence they came, and what hey had been doing for nearly three months past. “We have been spoiling the English Summer,” they ‘ That's nothing new,” muttered the Mother of the Winds. Isn't it, though—in the way we're done it?” cried two, triumphantly. ‘*‘ Why, those two Boys over yonder, uniting their flatulent forces, could not have done better—or worse. Ho! ho! ho! They made last winter 1 frozen Sahara. We've made the present summer a sjuashy Swamp! ‘The winter was as dry as the dust of hameses, The summer has been as wet as old St. Swithin’s gingham. We soaked June, we drenched July, and we drowned August. We squelched the strawberry season, reducing tons of promising fruit to flavourless pulp, and the growers to damp despair. | Whooosh!! What a wetting we gave’em!!! As soon is the Cricket Season started, so did we! Didn’t we just? | We simply sopped all the wickets, and spoilt all the | matches, either keeping the cricketers waiting in the | pavilion or slipping about on sloppy slithery turf. Con- | sequently, the Cricketing Season o been a sickening | ae : sell. We ‘watered down’ the ‘averages’ of all the P = a ‘cracks.’ 8S. W. was too many for W. G. (Grace, of | Gloucester), ap hd Ww. gave t na § Af a. of SIGNS OF BREEDING. Surrey) a fair doing! Te followed ‘ The Leviathan’ (Vide C er “nH omnant 8 in particular about persistently, till he must be real glad | ie Gegeanan Get Fens ear to‘take his hook’ to Australia. Wherever he was play- Little Binks agrees with Lord Byron that Breeding shows itself in the Hands, og, from Kennington to Clifton, we combin our | and complacently surveys his own, forces, swooped down on him, and simply washed him | ‘‘Bosn !" says Boxer. ‘‘ BREEDING SHOWS ITSELF IN THE Ear, AND out!” NOWHERE ELse!” 2 Ventas wags!” said the Mother of the Winds, re- | —> proachfully. . — — , mn . ay - Ra-ther! ” yelled her promising offsp in in chorus. MORE M ESSAG ES k ROM ] i E M AHA ] M A. But that’s not all, ws it, 8. W. ’—#s it, W. W.? We} 1. I am Koor Hoomrnooe. There are more things in my philosophy than wer« mucked up Lawn Tennis, soaked Henley Regatta, nearly | ever dreamed of in heaven or earth. You are Poonsn. You are a Thrupni spoilt the German Emprror’s visit, ruined all the al fresco but you are not a Mahatma. Be a Mahatma, functions of the Season—slap !—flooded Society out of and save your postage expenses. But you must London, only to deluge them in their flitting till they ya wished they were back again, intensified the Influenza | “Ang A Mahatma is nothing if he is not vague. You Epidemic, and ‘ must also be elusive. Can youelude? It is no “Oh! stop, stop!”? moaned the Old Woman. ‘* Those : , ~’ light matter to prove one’s s ritual capacity by Boys yonder will burst— with jealousy. But what) } : materialising a cigarette anid a grand piano. have you been doing to the Princess AGRICULTURA ” ‘ . % 2. Your reply to my letter is soulless sndecntical. here ?” he , Ww How can you ask me, 0 Poonsn, what I am trying _ The two broke into a spasmodic duo of delight and dis-| | Pe’ to getat? I ask nothing from you. It would be dain. ‘* Why look at her?” they cried. ‘* Doesn’t she | ‘ \: to your advantage rather than mine if you printed speak for herself ?”’ a . )\ my poem on the Re-incarnation of Ginan Bittas, rg do,” replied Acricuttvra. ‘‘ And I charge this ; 9! entitled The Soul’s Gooseberry Bush. And if you pair of Pernicious Pickles with planning—and to a € 0] we Ae” Se will only be a Mahatma, or a disciple, I will gladly extent effecting—my Destruction! Hay, Hops, Cereals, _ » let you have the serial rights in that great work. Koot-Crops, Fruits and Flowers—all Fained by these ,; What do you mean by saying you do not want roystering rascals. They’ve done more incurable mis- 4 ¥ to find cigarettes in your neighbour's om P chief in three sup -to-be Summer Months than those a / Think it over again, and you will see the beauty much-maligned Boys over yonder did all the Winter. CZ , of it. You are a Thrupni, but surely you They've had it all their own way the Season through, have some spiritual needs. ty, as much as though they ’d nailed the weathereock to| 3. You say that you do not want my poem, and you ask me if I have no 8.W., and knocked out the bottom of Aquarius’s water- | further attractions to offer. I am Koor Hoomrsooe, and I have kept the pot. And I call upon you, O Mother of the Winds, to greatest attraction for the last. If you will only join us, you may find a few | pop them at once into their respective Bags, sit upon them | newspapers who will discuss you. You may see the question whether you are a | till they are choked silent and etill, and then hang them | foo) or a knave debated in the correspondence columns. Think of the glory of it! up wg —if dry such watery imps can—for at least six) 4 What? you won't? Well, 1 am surprised! | Months to come! ’ == er a . —_—__— Now whether the Mother of the Winds gave ear to the a a 3 : nae | prayer of the poor Princess haumbeneetel ail imposed| Te (Evroreay , WoRLD anp 17s Wire. — Rasepe a - g torn upon the Two Winds the punishment they richly deserved, | ‘‘ Wedded to Peace. Possibly. And a dou! ities, does NO 9 deete, y the sequel must show. la divorce. But Europe has to pay pretty heavily—in armies an eects, &e. ‘ ° ° ° ° e | for Peace’s ‘‘ maintenance.” be discreet; and you must be exceeding vague. |

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124 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ne [Sepremper 12, 189], ———— THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. No. VI. SCENE - len of the Hlotel Victoria at Ringen. commanding a riew of the Rhine and the rine-terraced hills. which are bathed in warm aflernoon aun ight. Under the mophead: d acacias, CcoicHaRD and Poprpury are sitting smoking. At a little dis- tance from them, are a Young Married Couple, whose honeymoon 8 ay parently tn tts last quarter. The Bridegroom (lazily, to Bride, as she draws another chair to- wards her for a foot-rest). How many more chairs do you want ? Bride (without looking at him). | should think you could spare me you can hardly sit on three at once! [After this interchange of amenities, they consider themselves absolved from any further conrersational efforts. Podh. (to CULCH.., resuming a discussion). | know as well as you do that we are booked for Nuremberg ; but what J say is—that’s no earthly re ason why we should go there ! Culch. No reason why you should go, unless you wish it, cer- tainly. J intend to go. Podb. Well, it’s beastly selfish, that’s all! I know why you ’re so keen about it, too. Because the PROTTERS are going. Culch. (colouring). That's an entire mistake on your part. Miss l'rorrer has nothing to do with it. I don’t even know whether she ’s going or not—for certain. Podb. No, but you’ve a pretty good idea that she is, though. And | know how it will be. You'll be going about with her all the time, and I shall be shunted on to the old man! I don’t see it, you know! CuLen. remains silent. A pause. Poppury suddenly begins to search his pockets.) 1 say—here’s a pretty fix ! Look here, old fellow, doosid innoying thing, but I can’t find my purse—must have lost it somewhere ! Culch . L can’t say I’m urprised to hear it. It’s awkward, ertainly. I suppose I shall have to lend you enough to go home with it’s all I can do; but I’ll do that with—er—pleasure. Podb. (staring). Go home? Why, I can wire to the governor for more, easily enough. We shall have to stay here till it comes, that’s all. Culch. And give up Nuremberg ? Thank you! Podb. | rather like this place, you know sort of rest And we could always nip over to Ems, or Homburg, if it got too slow, eh ” Culch. If 1 nip over anywhere, I | shall nip to Nuremberg. We may just as well understand one another, Popsury. If I’m to pro- vide money for both of us, it’s only reasonable that you should be content to go where J choose. I cannot, and will not, stand these perpetual interferences with our original plan; it’s sheer restless- ness. Come with me to Nuremberg, and I shall be very happy to be your banker. Otherwise, you must stay here alone. | | He compresses his lips and crosses his legs. Podb, Oh, that’s it, is it? But look here, why not tit up whether we go on or stay fr | Culch. Why should I *‘ tit up,” as you call it, when I’ve already nat up my mind to go. When I once decide on anything, it’s final. | The Bride (to Bridegroom, without enthusiasm | me to roll you a cigarette ? Bridegroom (with the frankness of an open nature | it. 1 ean do it better myself, ” storcally Would you like . Not if I know Bride (coldly), inother silence, at the end of which she rises and walks slowly away, pausing at the gate to see whether he intends to follow. As he does not appear to have remarked her absence, she walks on. Podbury (to Culch., in an undertone). 1 say, those two don’t seem to hit it off exactly, eh? Seem sorry they came! Youll be glad to | hear, old fellow, that we needn’t separate after all. Just found my purse in my trouser-pocket ! : Culch. Better luck than you deserve. Didn’t I tell you you uld have a special pocket for your money and coupons? Like I see. he **Good Heavens, this—see. (He opens his coat.) With a buttoned flap, it stands tp reason they must be safe ! Podb. So long as you keep it buttoned, old chap,—which you don’t seem to do! Culch. (annoyed). Pshaw! The button is a trifle too— ( feels pocket, and turns pale). Good Heavens, it—it’s gone ! Podb. The button ? Culch. (patting himself all over with shaking hands). Everything —money, coupons, circular notes! They—they must have fallen out going up that infernal Niederwald. (Angrily.) You would insist on going Podb. Phew! The whole bag of tricks gone! You ’re lucky if you get them again. Any number of tramps and beggars all the way up Shouldn’t have taken off your coat—very careless of you! (H- Tins. Culch. It was so hot. I must go and inform the Police here—| may recover it yet. Anyway, we—we must push on to Nuremberg, and I'l] telegraph home for money to be sent there. You can let me have enough to get on with ? Podb. With all the pleasure in life, dear boy—on your own con- ditions, you know. I mean, if I pay the piper, I call the tune. Now, I don’t cotton to Nuremberg somehow; I’d rather go straight on to Constance; we could get some rowing there. Culch. (pettishly). Rowing be— (recollecting his helplessness). No; but just consider, my dear Popsvry. I assure you you'll find Nuremberg a most delightful old place. You must see how bent I am on going there ! Podb. Oh, yes, I see that. But then I’m not, don’t you know—so there we are! Culch. (desperately). Well, I’ll— I’ll meet you half-way. I’ve no objection to—er—titting up with you —Nuremberg or Constance. Come? Podb. You weren’t so anxious to tit up just now—but never mind. (Producing a mark.) Now then, 2mperor — Constance. Eagle—Nu- remberg. Is it sudden death, or best out of three ? [He tosses. Culch. Sud—— (The coin falls with the Emperor uppermost.) Best out of three. [He takes coin from PopsvrY and tosses. Podb. Eagle! we’re even so far. (He receives coin.) This settles it. He tosses. Culch. Eagle again! Now mind, Popsvry, no going back after this. It must be Nuremberg now. Podb. All right! And now allow = me to have the pleasure of restoring it—it 's gone!” your pa am and note - case. oy | did fall out on the Niederwald, and it was a good job for you I was behind and saw them drop. You | must really be more careful, dear boy. **ta”’ for them ? Culch. (relieved). I’m—er—tremendously obliged. say how.—(Recollecting himself.) But you need not have taken advantage of it to try to do me out of going to Nuremberg—it was a shabby trick ! Podb, Oh, it was only to get a rise out of you. I never meant to keep you to it, of course. And I say, weren’t you sold, though’ Didn’t I lead up to it beautifully ? (He chaciten.) Score to me, eh Culch. (with amiable sententiousness). Ah, well, I don’t grudge you your little joke if it amuses you. Those laugh best who laugh last. And it’s settled now that we’re going to Nuremberg. , [Miss Trotrer and her father have come out from the Speve- saal doors, and overhear the last speech. Mr. Trotter (to Culchard). Your friend been gettin’ off a joke on you, dir Culch. Only in his own estimation, Mr. TrRorrer. him down to going to Nuremberg, which, for many reasons, | was extremely anxious to visit. (Carelessly.) Are we likely to be there when you are ? Miss 7. I guess not. Cantey Van Boopeten, writes he’s having a real lovely time in the Engadine—says it’s the most elegant locality he’s struck yet, an Ain’t you going to say I really can’t I have nailed | We’ve jt got our mail, and my cousin, | just as full of Amurrcans as it can hold; so we’re going to start out | there right away. I don’t believe we shall have time for Nuremberg

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— SepTeMBER 12, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA RIVARI or 25 l rip. Father, if we’re going to see about checking the baggage | zh, we'd better go down to the dépét right now. [They pass on, | with a very blank face and a feeble whistle). Few-fitty- fitty-fa-di-fee-fee-foo; few—— After all, Popsvry, I don’t | that I care so much about Nuremberg. They—they say it’s a| | deal changed from what it was. So are you, old chap, if it comes to that. Tiddledy-iddlety- | impty-doodle-oo! Is it to be Constance after all, then ? ch. (reddening). Er—I rather thought of the Engadine—more | g, ch ?—few-feedle-eedle-oodle—— », You artful old whistling oyster, J see what you’re up to! But it’s no go; she don’t want either of us Engadining about after r. It’s CHaRLEY VAN STICKINTHEMUD’s turn now! We've got | to Nuremberg. You can’t get out of it, after gassing so much | it the place. When you’ve once decided, you know, it’s final! | Culch. (with dignity). I am not aware that I wanted to get out of | I merely proposed in your—— (Popsury suddenly explodes.) | What are you cackling at now ? Podb.. wiping his eyes). It’s the last laugh, old man,—and it’s CuLcHARD walks away rapidly, leaving Popspury in olin’ enjoyment of the joke. Poppury’s mirth immediately sub- sides into gravity, and he kicks several unoffending chairs | with quite uncalled-for brutality. A “KNOT” ICAL STORY OF DRURY LANE. | Told by our aged Salt, with a taste for the Dibdin Drama.) Wuat, not remember it! Not the scene on Wapping Old Stairs ind Mr. Cartes Gienney in the Merchant Service, and Miss Vittwarp the Ward of Count Gurwey Detaunay! Not remem- | ber all that! Not recollect the pretty set with the River, the boat- | house, and the figure-heads! Ah, tell it to the Marines! Not that! they would believe you! I remember it, and a good deal more. | Now it came about in this way. Yoa see Miss Mituwanrp thought | that Lieutenant CHartes Warner, R.N.—‘‘her sweetheart as a! "—was dead, and, like a sensible young lady, made arrange- | ents to marry his foster-brother, meaning GLeENNEY. This she | have done most comfortably, had not the Count and a Boat- builder, one Junian Cross PenNYCAD, objected. But after | all, their opposition wouldn’t have come to much hadn’t Lieutenant CHartes WAENER, R.N., taken it into his head to turn up from the Centre of Africa, or the Cannibal Islands, or somewhere. On _ second thoughts I don’t think it could have been the Cannibal Islands, because there they would have certainly eaten him—he looked so plump, and in such excellent condition. | Well, Lieutenant Warver, | R.N., finding that Miss MIxr- | WARD was on the eve of marry- | ing Mr. GLENWEY, most nobly made room for his foster- brother, and hurried back to sea. But as luck (and Mr. Henry Perrir) would have it, just as the lady and gentleman were on their way to Stepney Old Church to be spliced, who | should turn up in a uniform | that showed him to be a fine - tigure of a man but Lieutenant | Wanryer, R.N., himself—with the Press Gang. It turned out that Lieutenant WARNER’s ship was very under-manned, and that he had been ordered by his Captain to get all the sailors he could on board H.M.S, Dauntless—a vessel te the way, that afterwards proved to be the very image of the Victory. And here came a mplication. Through the treachery of Jut1an Cross PennycapD, | Lieutenant WARNER seized Mr. GLENNEY just as he and Miss Mri1- WARD were entering Stepney Old Church. Says Mr. GLenney to Lieutenant Warner, ‘*‘ What, taking me, because you are lous of me, on my wedding-day! You ought to be ashamed ot yourself!” or words to that effect. Says Lieutenant Wanrver, R.N., to Mr. Grenney, ‘‘ Nothing of the sort. For the man who would betray another, save in the way of kindness, on his bridal morn, is unworthy of the name of a British sailor,’”’ or words to that effect. Then Miss Mriuwarp chimed in, and thus touched the heart of Lieutenant Warner, K.N., so deeply that he ordered Mr. GLENNEY’S immediate release. ‘I forget my duty,’ explained the generous * A Sailor Knot ’— not a Sailor. | superfluous to describe the fun of those excellent comedians Warner. “But I don’t,” put in his superior officer, Captain | Wittiam Lvee Vernon, ‘and I order that man to be carried on | board!” and there was not a dry eye amongst those present, except, | perhaps, amongst the heartless “‘ Press Gang,”’ who, a to write notices for the daily and weekly papers, were naturally eager to see what ‘In the Fo’castle” and ‘The Deck of the Dauntless” were like. And these they did see in the next Act of this really capital Drama. And here came in a scene that will long be remembered to the honour of the British Navy and the National and Royal Theatre, Drury Lane. There came a mutiny, with the misguided Guewney at the head of it. Said Captain Wimuam Lovee Vexnon, after it was quelled, ‘‘We can’t spare a man, and so I shall have Mr. GLENNEY flogged.” ‘* Don’t do that,” cried Lieutenant Wanner ; ‘“*he is my brother and my friend, although he has given me a oner, owing to a misunderstanding. Captain, may | appeal to these men, and ask them in stirring language, to fight the Toe.” * You shall,” replied his superior officer; ‘and, by arrangement with Mr. Henry Perrir, I will see that ‘ Rule Britannia’ is played. softly by an efficient orchestra while you are speaking to them.” “A thousand thanks!” cried the eloquent Wanner; and then he let them have it. He told them that the enemy were waiting for them —that they had left Brest for the purpose of engaging in a first-class naval engagement. He pointed out that the other ships of the Fleet were on their way to the scrimmage. Would the gallant Dauntless be the only laggard?” ‘‘No!” shouted the now-amenable-to- naval-discipline GLENNEY, and with the rest of the malcontents, he asked to be led to glory. It was indeed stirring to see the red-coats waving their hats on the tops of their bayonets, and the Blue Jackets brandishing their swords. In the enthusiasm of the j S 23, “Wy, Losing their heads on board the Dauntless. moment, the entire ship’s company seemed to have lost their heads, and cheers came from the deck, and the auditorium equally. It was a moment of triumph for everyone concerned! Everyone! And need I say anything more? Need I tell you how it came right in the end? How Miss Mrtiwanp (who was always on the eve of being married to someone) did actually go through a civil ceremony (the French were polite even in the days before Waterloo) with the Count, which, however, failed to count (as an old wag, with a taste for ancient jests, observed to a brother droll), because the Gallic noble- man got killed immediately after the ceremony’ Need I hint that Mr. Guewnxey was falsely accused of murder, to be rescued at the right moment by the ever-useful and forgiving Wanner’ Need I \say that Mr. Hewry Perritr was cheered to the echo for his | piece, and Sir Aveustvus Drvriotanvs for his stage management? No, for other chronicles have given the news already ; and it is - r. | Harry Nicnorrs and Miss Fawyy Broven. All I can say is, if you want to see a good piece, well mounted, and capitally acted all round, why go to old Drury, and you will agree with me (and the old wag with a taste for ancient jests) that Sir Avoust-vs might add September, October, November, and December to his signature, as A Sailor's Knot seems likely to remain tied to the Knightly Boards until it is time to produce the Christmas Pantomime. So heave away, my hearties, and good luck to you! Sones FoR THE Pro. anp Con. THROSOPHICAL CONTROVERSIALISTS. —** All round Mahatmas,” *‘ He’s a jolly good Chela!” “ how, Brothers, Row!” and “ Why did my’ Masters’ sell me?”

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LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘ata ail) AV ‘ist: oh: UE Chpe yas, ay tat Wierd hw.” |e RO RCRA CRICKETANA. YOUNG LADIES V. BOYS. Fair Patter (tat, 18). ‘Now, Just Look Here, Atcy Jongrs—None OF your PATRONAGE! Lert HAND AGAIN, AND I’Lt Box your Ears!” You DARE TO BOWL TO ME WITH YouR ee [September 12, 189], av Maat ALON 5 “NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.” A Scene very freely adapted from “* The Critic.” Enter Mr. Puxcu, First Commissioner of Police, Inspector, and Constables. Commissioner. Oh! very valiant Con- stables: one is the Inspector himself, the others are ordinary P. C.’s. And now I hope you shall hear some better language. I was obliged to be plain and intelligible in my manifesto, because there was so much matter- of-fact ground for remonstrance, and even chiding ; but still, ’i faith, I am proud of my men, who, in point of fact, are fine fellows. Mr. P. Unquestionably! But let us listen—unobserved, if so it may be. Inapector. How's this, my lads! What cools your usual zeal, And makes your helméd valour down i’ the mo Why dimly glimmers that heroic flame Whose reddening blaze, by civic spirit fed, Should be the beacon of a happy town ? Can the smart patter of a Bobby’s tongue Thus stagnate in a cold and prosy converse, Or freeze in oathless inarticulateness ? No! Let not the full fountain of your valour Be choked by mere official wiggings, or Your prompt consensus of prodigious swearing Be checked by the philanthropists’ foaming wrath, Or high officialdom’s hostility ! Mr. P. There it is, Mr. Commissioner ; they admit your by no means soft impeachment. Commissioner. Nay, listen yet awhile! let P. C. No more! your rebuke Hath filled the flapping canvas of our souls! And thus, though magistrates ex postulate, [All take hands and raise their truncheons. And hint that ANantas dressed in blue, We'll grapple with the thing called Evidence, And if we fall, by Heaven! we'll fall together ! the freshening breeze of Inspector. There spoke Policedom’s genius! Then, are we all resolved ? All. We are—all resolved. Inspector. To pull—and swear—together ? All. To pull—and swear—together. Inspector. All? All, All! Mr. P. Nem. con. FEgad! Commissioner. Oh, yes! When they do | ° | Mr. P. A very orthodox and harmonious |chorus. Their ‘* tutti’’ is perfection. Commissioner. Vastly well, is’t not? Is |that well managed or not? Blue line” well disciplined or not? Have | you such absolute perfection of ‘* alltogether- ishness’’ on your lyric stage as the Force voluntarily maintains—in its own interests, aguee ta the Fores, Chair uneniaity fo Gen-| and obedient to its own peculiar esprit de de rful ! corps ? | Mr. P. (with significance). Not exactly! Inspector. Then let’s embrace this resolution, und “ Keep it with a constant mind—and now——” | [ Kneels. Mr. P. What the plague, is he going to pray? Commusswner, emerrencies there ’s nothing like a prayer in chorus. Inspector. “ O Menpez Prxto!” Yes — hush ! In great on the Stage or in the Force— MANY HAPPY RETURNS! (Punch to Madame La République.) (“The Republic attains its majority to-morrow (Sept. 4). tt is the first Government since the Revolution which has had a twenty-first birth- | day.”— The Times.) Mr. P. Bat why should he pray to MENDEZ | Dear Madam, “‘ Perfidious Albion” proffers Pinto? Commissioner. Oh, tutelary genius of Bards — and Bobbies ! Hush! Inspector. If in thy homage bred Each point of discipline I’ve still observed ; Swearing in squads, affirming in platoons ; Nor but by due promotion, and the right Of service to the rank P. C. Inspector, Have risen; assist thy votary now! lst P. C. Yet do not rise—hear me! Kneeis. 2nd P. C. And me! Kneels. grd P C. And me ! Ki neels. Inspector. Now swear—and pray—all together ! All. We swear!!! Behold thy votaries submissive beg That thou wilt deign to grant them all they ask, Assist them to accomplish all their ends, And sanctify whatever means they use To gain them! “the Knight, Prvro- | Menpez Ferprnanpo,” as Por calls him, is the shape ! A snap of the fingers for cynical scoffers ! A fig for the framers of venomous jape. May Peace and Goodwill be your lasting pos- se 2838100, Your proud *‘ Valour” tempered by “‘ years of discretion ! ”’ | Jatientinnts Hyorra orr Tue Scent.—It is stated that even the charms of a champagne luncheon | failed to attract more than one out of twenty- | four members of the Hygienic Congress in- | vited to test the merits of sewage-farinas by | ocular—or should we say nasal ?—demonstra- |tion. Perhaps the missing three-and-twenty thought that in this case, at least, Mrs. MaL- prop would be both correct and pertinent in saying that ‘‘ Comparisons are odorous !”’ Is the ‘thin The best birthday wishes good feeling can | hw uvad tw Mis MdSNI NOLEEAS “aya MS AM vty od “AMUN LQAUNMUNOM BSI LLIWINVNA MIAELL *‘oepe4,) OUT... —— Ct Cs

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Sepremper 12, 1891. A NN \ NY NA \ SSS SS SS = eee _——— a. “ NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.” “NOW SWEAR! ALL TOGETHER!” ConstaBLes. **WE SWEAR! EDWARD WHEN THEY DO AGREI rHEIR UNANIMITY IS - WONDERFUL!

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Ir was b pen W a rising face, th How off Oder Co h wane enameiic spilling yung la arternoo She h: us ial by hunerth leadly | Seater vely ¥ showed Tun, as noose s] that CE still bey ‘ vill The P reyther CHARLI Second met his hunertl the hai K1ss’s |; in his h } ] heul The throwir tities

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—_ cuoen 12, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL a 129 SEPT ROBERT’S ROMANCE. I wave been so bothered for coppys of my Romanse, as I read at the Cook’s Swarry some time back, that I have detummined to publish | it, and here it is. In coarse, all rites is reserved. RoBeERT. ' THE MYSTERY OF MAY FARE. (By Onze Bruinp THE Seens.) Carrer I.—Despare ! Ir was Midnite! The bewtifool Countess of BeLGravrer sat at the | n winder of her Boodwar gazing on the full moon witch was jest up above the hopposite chimbleys. Why was that evenly face, that princes had loved and Poets silly bes: bathed in tears ? How offen had she, wile setting at that hopen winder, washed it with der Colone, to remove the stanes of them tell tail tears? But all n wane, they wood keep running down that bewtifool face as if enamelled with its buty; and quite heedless of how they was a spiling of her new ivory cullered sattin dress that Maddam Exitser’s | yung ladies had been a workin on up to five a clock that werry | arternoon. She had bin to the at ball of the Season, to be washupped as | usual by the world of Fashun, but wot had driven her home at the | hunerthly hour of harf-parst Eleven? Ah, that cruel blo, that leadly pang, that despairin shok, must be kep for the nex chapter. CuaptTer I].—The Helopemeant ! Seated in the Housekeeper’s own Room at the Dook of Svrrey’s | vely Manshun, playfoolly patting his fatted calves, and surrounded | by his admiring cirkle, sat Cuartes, the ero of my Tale. CaaR.Les was the idle of that large establishment. They simply adored him. It was not only his manly bewty, tho that mite have e many an \poller envy him. It was not only his nolledge of the world, tho in that he was sooperior to menny a Mimber of Parlyment from the Sister il, but it was his stile, his grace, his orty demeaner. The House- ceeper paid him marked attenshuns. The Ladies Maid supplyed him th Sent for his ankerchers. The other Footmen looked up to him heir moddel, and ewen the sollem Butler treated him with respec, and sumtimes with sumthink else as he liked even better. The leading Gentlemen from other Doocal establishments charfed him ipon his success with the Fare, ewen among the werry hiest of the Nobillerty, and Cuarzes bore it all with a good-natured larf that showed off his ivory teeth to perfecshun. Of course it was all in Tun, as they said, and probberly thort, till on this fatal ewening, the noose spread like Gnale, through the estonished world of Fashun, that CHartes had heloped with the welthy, the middle-aged, but still bewtifool, Marchioness of St. Benpico. Cuaprer III.—The Dewell. The pursoot was rapid and sucksessful, and the Marx1ss’s challenge reyther disterbed the gilty pair at their ellegant breakfast. But CHARLES was as brave as he was fare, and, having hired his fust Second for twenty-five francs, and made a few other erangements, he met his hantigginest on the dedly field on the follering day at the hunerthly hour of six hayhem. CHaxces, with dedly haim, fired in the hair! but the Marxiss being bald, he missed him. The Mar- Kiss’s haim was even more dedly, for he, aperiently, shot his rival 4 his hart, for he fell down quite flat on the new-mown hay, and isheullered it with his blud! , The Markiss rushed up, and gave him one look of orror, and, | | | | | | ea ¢ 5 ‘irowing down a £1000 pound note, sed, “that for any one who brings him two,” and, hurrying away to his Carridge, took the next train for Lundon. CHARLES recovered hisself emediately, and, ocketing the note, winked his eye at the second second, and, giving im a hundred-frane note for hisself, wiped away the stains of the rouge and water, and returned to breakfast with his gilty parrer-mour. Cuarrer IV.—The End. The poor Markiss was so horryfied at his brillyant sucksess, that CHARLEs’s sanguinery corpse aunted his bed-side, and he died within a munth, a leetle munth, as Amilet says, of the dredful ewent, and CHaRLEs married his Widder. But, orful to relate, within a werry short time CHARLES was a sorrowin Widderer, with a nincum of sum £10,000 a year; and having purchased a Itallien titel for a hundred and fifty pound, it is said as he intends shortly to return to | hold Hingland; and as the lovely Countess of Beraravier is fort- | “yz ! becum a Widder, and a yung one, it is thought quite posserbel, | by them as is behind the seens, like myself, for instance, that before | many more munce is past and gone, there will be one lovely Widder and one andsum Widderer less than there is now; and we isall on us ankshushly looking forred to the day wen the gallant Count der WeEnnIs shall lead his lovely Bride to the halter of St. George's, Hannower Squeer, thus proving the truth of the Poet's fabel,— “ The rank is but the guinny’s stamp, The Footman ’s the man for a’ that.” WHERE ARE OUR DAIRYMAIDS ? A Sone or VANISHED SUMMER. [{ What has become of our Dairymaids ?"—Newspaper Question.) Arn—‘‘The Dutchman's Little Dog.” O wHere and O where is our Dairymaid gone ” O where, O where can she be ’ With her skirts cut short and her hair cut long, O where, and O where is she ? Well, Summer is gone, and so is the Sun, And farming is nought but a bilk. When our Butter is Dutch, and our Cheese is Yank, Why, why should they leave us our Milk ? Our brave Queen Bess, as the Laureate says,* Might wish that a milkmaid were she ; Whilst Mavpirw in Watron’s bucolical days Could troll forth her ballad with glee. But, alas! for the days of the stool and the churn, And the milking-pails brass-bound and bright! There is much to do and but little to earn In the Dairy, once Izaax’s delight. Now Companies deal with the lacteal yield, And churns clank o’ night at Vauxhall, Who dreams with delight of the butt —_ ’d field, Or Dun Suke in her sweet-smelling stall ? Milking the Cow, and churning the milk Made work for the maids long ago, But possible Dairymaids now dress in silk, That's where our Dairymaids go. Ah! Dotty becomes a mechanical drudge, And SaLtity—a something much worse. Through cowslip- pied meadows to merrily trudge Won't fill a maid’s heart, or her purse. The meadow at eve and the dairy at morn, And a song—from Kir Martow—between, Would fire a fine-dressed modern Mavpiin with scorn, And move modish Moxy to spleen. The Dairymaid’s true ‘‘ golden age ” is long fled With Summer, and pippins and cream ; Like little Bo- Peep and ~¢ Blue, it is dead, Save as parts of a pastoral dream. O where and O where is our Dai O where, and O where can she | Well, they make cockney shop-girls of Purtits and Joay, And I guess that they make such with she / ° “ I would I were a milkmaid To sing, love, marry, churn, brew, bake and die.” Tennyson's Queen Mary. sb gone ? yer A Matrer or Conser.—At Sydenham, Ontario (it is stated), the Corset has been declared to’ be ** incompatible with Christianity ° If some of our fashionable dames uttered their innermost feelings, they would doubtless reply, ‘‘ So much the worse for—Christianity.’ It is so obvious that many modish Mammas care much more for their daughters’ bodices than their souls.

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130 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Serresmen 12, 189], IRISH MAIL. HE ARRIVES AT KINGSTOWN BY THE f ra 2 ie) F 4 (@) I ‘¢) ; i 2 f {9 z al

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— sepremper 12, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 131 THE GUZZLING CURE. | 1793, stopped at Dunstasie’s for some boot- laces, and, patting the grandfather of the Nyce Duckworth, in a letter written to a Vegetarian Correspondent, says, “1 believe in the | present proprietor on the head, said, ‘‘ What! . food and alcoholic drinks for the best interests of man. The abuse or misuse of cither is| what! none in stock! Then | think we “ must have some of these pretty curls instead.” O pirump Head-waiter, I have’ Anyhow, that is given as the reason for the read [writes ! style and title of ‘* Dunstable’s Royal Library What worthy Dvuckworrn and Reading Room,” which it has enjoyed And that is why I ’ve swiftly sped | without dispute from the commencement of To where your door invites. the present century to the present day. I kept my indigestion down I came here, as I said, by the advice of Of old, by sheer starvation ; my medical adviser, to ** pick up.” How far But now no longer shall I frown ‘Torsington-on-Sea has helped me to do this, On food assimilation. I must deal with subsequently. I pledge him in your oldest port, 7 This medical adviser, IGNORANT BLISS. For ay elsewhe re might Ly At noon through the open window 7 * eas vol “il iser. (sought) Comes the scent of the new-mown hay. T ‘“ _ Se ict y return I look out. In the meadow yonder © comipary Gey iT} Are the little lambs at play. A sage prescription '—ant t urn | They are all extremely foolish, fo chance results, and try it! Yet I haven’t the heart to hint I’ve lived on air; on food for Lent; | That over the boundary wall there grows On what some Doctor calls A beautiful bed of mint. ** Nitrogenous environment ”’— | For a little lamb A ive Gast eas —, je will “Ay Ol dam ” Nl es Cc e did eat; And will say ! dam,” — A 1 phage 42 - 1 ‘banish ; At a hint, however well intentioned, And with this unexpected treat When the awful name of mint is men- My old dyspeptics vanish. tioned. What though they warn me that at first— This earth is rich in chemists’ shops, It may be merely fancy— With doctors it abounds, l stomach ’s sure to try its worst Who, if I feel the change from slops, n base recalcitrancy ? Will take me on their rounds. When half-starved gastric juice is set So, scorning indigestive ache, pe with dainty dishes, I count each anxious minute ; itcome—one may safely bet— Oh, waiter, hurry up that steak! n't be just what one wishes. My happiness 1s in it. ANNALS OF A WATERING-PLACE THAT “HAS SEEN ITS DAY.” I po not know when Torsington-on-Sea’s day precisely was, or, whether indeed its day s yet dawned, but I was sent there by my medical adviser as being ‘‘ the very place” for it being ‘‘delightfully quiet,” nine miles from a railway station, which apparently ns in plain English twenty-four hours behind the rest of this habitable alae. and erally stranded in the race for every conceivable comfort or necessity with which an ze ot Co-operative Stores and Electric Lighting has made one comfortably—perhaps too mfortably—familiar. Judging, however, from the fact that Torsington-on-Sea consists mainly of a pretentious architectural effort consisting of six-and-thirty palatial sea-side residences, twenty-four of which are let in sets of furnished apartments to highly respect- e families, and twelve of which appear, from want of funds, to have aoe short in rir infancy many years ago at the basement, showing a weed-covered foundation of what ht, had the over-sanguine capitalist not overshot the initial mark, have proved as fine a sea-side terrace on the South East Coast as the weary cockney eye could well hope to light upon, it would be including the fact that there is but one policeman to protect the lives and properties of the inhabitants and strangers of Torsington-on- Sea, by day and by night, and a town band (with a uniform) of five, of which two-fifths are, I was going to say “ armed’”’ with cymbals, triangle and with big and side drums, it would be more reasonable to suppose that Torsington-on-Sea had seen its day, and that what glories it ever had may be i> a femenhen bell regarded as having departed with the vanished years. G _ me and cold Beyond the stock recreation afforded by the militarily-| When - finds he’s sold, fing apparelled Town Band of five, whose répertoire appears to be And his burglar’s bosom heaves at know- 0 a sad and serious opening march, a rather lugubrious galop, and a couple of | That the sell of a swag isn’t worth the nd a quiek-step Polka, which evidently owe their origin to the genius of the Con- | rate ve the entertainment offered by Torsington-on-Sea must be further sought for from a 5d ae . y-chair, the donkey attached to which has many a long year ago lost what it ever|I’ma pm you may not know it, | in the shape of “spirit,” a cast-off Nigger Minstrel, with a concertina that is| _ But am and hard up for ** tin, newhat out of order, and a lovely ‘‘ public-house” tenor, who is heard only after dark, | So I’ve written these clever verses but with a voice so sweet and true in tone, that one wonders how it is that instead of | And I hope they I] get put in. rilling the High Street of Torsington-on-Sea for possibly the few halfpence he poe up| Yet Life is an awful lottery . t rather unappreciative thoroughfare, he is not simultaneously rushed at and eagerly} With a gruesome lot of blan in p by the leading impressarios of all the continental opera-houses in Europe! | And I wish the Editor hadn't oe Thanks.” there is the daily arrival of the “‘ coach,” for such is the faded yellow omnibus| That are printed Declined with Thanks. hat meets the London train from Boxminster, which pulls up with a flourish at For it’s rather hard | Three Golden Cups.”’ There is seldom anything brought by this noteworthy convey- | On a starving bard aa less it be a package or parcel for Mr. DunstaBie, the one highly respectable | When his last wane can uF becsted n inthe town. DunstaBe’s is the emporium par excellence where anything, from | Is played, and he wis 1es himse 4 _ ec t drug down to the latest new novel, can be ordered down from Town. There is When his Muse’s lays come back—re- | tion that old Gronce tue Turep, when passing through Torsington in the year jected! At the close of day the burglar comes For to ply his gentle trade. I fondly gaze on his jemmy, and Grow timid and quite afraid. I wouldn’t for kingdoms have him know That my neighbours of titled rank Went abroad on a sudden last night and left | Their jewels at Courrs’s Bank. 1+

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [SepremBer 12, 189], STORICULES. Ill.—Tas Trexe were three of them in the railway-carriage. One was a Stockbroker; one was a Curate; one was an Old Lady. They had been strangers to each other when they started; but it was near the end of the ind they were chatting pleasantly together now. One could see that the little Old Lady was from the country; she exquisite ly neat and mple in appearance ; there was an air of primness about her which one rarely sees | in a city product. She carried a big bunch of hedgerow flowers. She seemed | to be a little nervous about travelling, and still more nervous about encountering | the noise and con-| fusion of the great | city. She had asked | the Stockbroker and | Curate a good many | questions about the | sights that she ought | to see, and how much she ought to pay the cabman, and which were the best shops. | * Not but what Tom will look after me,”’ | she explained;| ** Tom ’s a very gooc son to me, and he’|l be waiting on the platform forme. And such a boy as he} was too when he was younger! Fruit! ‘here wasn’t any- thing that boy wouldn’t do to get it any kind of mis-| chief.” She grew! garrulous on the sub- | / jectof Tom’s infancy. The two men answered her questions, and listened amusedly to her chatter. Occasionally they interchanged smiles. Presently the train got near to the station just before the terminus. The Curate warned the Old Lady that the tickets would be collected there. ‘Thank you, Sir,” she said, “‘ for telling me. Then I must be | getting my ticket ready. I’ve got it quite safely. Such a lot of money it did seem to pay for a ride to London! But Tom would have me come. He never forgets his old Mother.”” She undid her reticule and took out her purse ; she undid the — and took out a folded | paper ; she unfolded the paper and took out the ticket. Then she | put the paper back in the purse, and the purse back in the reticule. | She he id the ticket = Nee! between two fingers of her cotton-gloved | hand, as if it were a delicate fruit, and she were afraid of rubbing | the bleom off it. ‘* What a refreshing contrast to our city ways!” Stock broker. “* How characteristic!" thought the Curate. ‘*My word! there ’s one of my hair-pins coming out,” said the Old | Lady, suddenly. The hand which held the ticket flew to the back of her head, to put the hair-pin right. And then, all at once, the look of animation died out of the Old | Lady's face. She seemed utterly aghast and horror-stricken. She gasped out an unintelligible interjection. ‘* What ’s the matter, Ma’am ’” asked the Stockbroker. | “My ticket’s gone! I was putting that hair-pin right, and the ticket slipped out of my fingers, and dropped down the back of my | neck between my clothes and—and myself. What shall I do when! that gentleman comes for the tickets * ”’ The Curate blushed violently. In his boyhood’s days he had put halfpennies down the back of his neck and jumped up and down | Dear Otp Lapy. journey wa thought the | unti eer percolated out in the region of his boots. e had only just checked himself in the act of advising the Old Lady to get up and jump. The Stockbroker was more practical, and soon consoled her. He was a season-ticket-holder, and knew the collector. He would ex- plain it tothe man. ‘ You'll be able to get the ticket again, you see, when you——— I mean, lateron.”” The British love of euphemism | had asserted itself. ‘‘ And then you can send it to the collector by a ost. You had better write down your name and address to piv. im, I'll guarantee to the collector that it will be all right.” The Old Lady overwhelmed him with thanks. Slowly an laboriously she wrote the name and address on the piece of paper in which the ticket was folded. All happened just as the Stockbroker had fore told. The Ticket-collector was vé ry well satisfied ind very much amused. ; Tom was waiting for her at at once. ** Ah!” said the Stockbroker to the Curate, when she had gon “that’s my notion of a dear Old Lady.” ** Eve rything about her was so characteristic,” answered ¢ Curate, admiringly. Neither the Curate nor the Stockbroker had the advantage o hearing what the dear Old Lady said to ‘lom that afternoon. “It came off just beautifully, my boy. Not that I blame them mind you,—how were they to know that it was a ticket which | didn’t give up last year, and that I hadn’t even taken a ticket at aj} to-day ’ No, I don’t blame them. As for the address, I put th same address that was on the label of the Curate’s bag, only | altered The Rev. Cuartes Martrneucrst to Mrs. MARLINGHURST. Ap the Stockbroker guaranteed that I should send either the ticket o the money. So he'll have to pay up! Oh, my word! My gracious word, what a treat!” The dear Old Lady chuckled contentedly. Tom also chuckled. The Stockbroker subsequently relinquished to a great extent his habit of remarking upon his own marvellous intuition, enabling him to read character at sight; the Curate preached a capital sermon on the deceptiveness of man, and when he said man he meant woman. the terminus, and took charge of her TO A TOO-ENGAGING MAIDEN. I THrNK you should know I’ve been put out of humour By something I hear very nearly each day. In a small town like ours, as you Anos every rumour Gets about in a truly remarkable way. It is too much to hope for that women won't prattle, But I candidly tell you, I do feel enraged When I find that a part of their stock tittle-tattle Is that we—how I laugh at the thought !—are engaged. Though you don’t even claim to be reckoned a) as pretty, y You are not, I admit it, aggressively plain. . You dress pretty well, and your talk, if not ‘ witty, [positive pain. As a rule doesn’t give me much You will one day be rich, for your prospects are ‘‘ healthy,” Yet as Beauty and Riches do not make up Life, Why, were you as lovely as Venus, as wealth [my wife. As Creesus t wouldn't have you for ® Are you free altogether from blame in the matter— I’m resolved to be frank, so it’s useless to frown— Have you not had a share in the mischievous chatter Which makes our ‘‘ engagement ’’ the talk of the town ? When some eager, impertinent person hereafter Shall inquire of its truth, and shall ask, *‘ Is it so?’ Instead of implying assent by your laughter, Would you kindly oblige me by answering, ‘‘ No” ? I recognise freely your marvellous kindness In allowing your name to be linked with my own. Maybe it is > incurable blindness To your charms that compels me to let them alone. But if with reports I am still to be harried, I’ve thoroughly made up my mind what to do; Just to settle it all, I shall shortly be married, I shall shortly be married, but not—not to you. ’ “Wao Breaks Pays.”—‘‘ In some large restaurants,” says the Daily Chronicle, “the girls engaged have to pay for the breakages which occur in the course of carrying on a business in which they are not partners.” If the maxim at the head of this paragrap® were strictly and impartially enforced, such exacting employers would have to pay pretty smartly for certain “* breakages” W ich oceur in the carrying on of a business in which they consider ¢ have no concern—breakages, to wit, of the girls’ health, spirits, 40 often, hearts! Moprry Venstoy or ‘‘ Wise Men or rae East.”—The Congres of Orientalists. t> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by s Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception, description, wil To this rule CURI au v OREL BRO 91 2} -- — >, BO os ae & & 3, 1 fed eo MEDAL, | INAH/ Li x is , LA THE CE ATURAL ] PURE. SPA ERC is the Moer Evrae Water, being cl Suppived 3 1 Sy the aay. A perfe 2 Million 18 Million Ah “THE QUEE

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Serremnszr 12, 1891. quaus 0 |FRY’S PURE one: =| mere COCOA Medical Authority, in recom- ical Ante isky, sates “I consider it a very rich, delicious Cocoa.” —W. H. BR. STANLEY, &.D. vaild Whisky Gold Medals, Paris, 1878: 1889. n application to Waters 9H JSEDH GILLOTT'S PENS, = |lbemeod PERFUME MEATS, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865. Te ae GRAVIES, ee \ ok a erry |e a Bi p class UST, TAY LOHSE, on SOUPS, re ig = mah \ THE CHAMPAGNE OF 7 ATURAL MINERAL WATERS | “f}" VEfrn. ~ Way) RE SPARKLING. DELICIOUS. G OF T WA . SEROLSTEIN POUDRE D'AMOUR cuss." art mm by Picaap Farazs, Parfumeurs). Indigestion.

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Bignature is on ns HKottle of the Genuine t Evreny vescewt of any Natural Mineral 4 ns ene com bini: desideratum, — r, being charged solely with its own | Hygienic and Cosmetic, for beautify g and soften Mixes equally well with Wines, Natural Gas. ing the Skin. It will be eually wel welcomed a all, | Spirits, or Milk. LIEBIG Supplied at all the Theatres tax imparting « most the | sot medicinal, but a7 agreeable health promoting

complex ond all Spiers & Ponds’ Restaurants. Gentlemen will find it most soothing and pleasant | —— COMPANY'S nour Re uxexpen by the Mosr Bure for use after shay ving SUPPLIED AT ALL FIRST-CLASS neue | {the Mepicat Paorgssiow as the FIN EST In three tints lanche for 4 ws ee AND BESTAURANTS ema Le NE oy ay # KNOWN. | fot, darker complexions, aod use PY | Sample Cases of 60 Pints, 18/6, including bottles. || EXTRACT ~ = Oe heme, SOBs Vv aarts. Price free from observ. tion, TEIN CO, 153, CMEAPSIDE, EC. 7. B nao Hater Sie. | JOHANNIS SPRINGS, Ltd.,

Wholesale Depot : 2. BOveNDes & S03, ZOLLHAUS, GERMANY. 31-33, BE RNERS STREET, Wwotemate Bronce And 905, CITY ROAD, E.C., toxpow a, WHARF BROAD, CITY ROAD, LONDON. Bignature (as above) in Bue BULBS JLBS in PERFECTION from EN H AIR Ink scrom the Label , —_ with the va y best aw 1, fib GOLD on each Jar of the ~ustomers WwW ev ty o Scat ee" ROBARE'S AUREOLINE, | ; PERFECTLY HARMLESS FRERES i ieee 5 cael PLE N Should take THI LENE SAEs R _ ae R. HOVENDEN & BONS, Loxnow 0 cat aol aman tar Tawa Ay Len ag ‘ FIRST QUALITY i COLT’S NEW | “FOR THE BLOOD 1S THE LIFE’ ~ | TRILENE CO., 70, Finebary Pavement, London uN y CHAMPAGNE. é 88, F | A a KF’ S USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES. AYSHAW & CO. $ te, iy ee THE BEST "FINES Pistol Cartridges. Ne ha GOLT’S LICHTWING MACAZINE RIFLES, WORLD-FAMED oe 1 Rook ane , 28, Regent Street, W. Jor Large at “tre uneurpas ae ong | unequa jor rapidity of fire LOTHED WITH AIR.|_.. cous. Revonvans ° izes jis Ht is composed of small cells, in | C#°TIES OM a0 ti ten It. Price List eer hay ay FOR

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« losed and warmed by the heat of ’ erfect fi FIREARMS x eS "Sing to tng Custceas | M8 Gambon Bt, Plealy Creu, London, W. m, this ¢ oth is much lighter and better uted tha or di wii tay aS in Cohen, { oven , trated Price List, wi If so, cant fer 0 Ban bee, with testimonials and t ce ¢ A edical Opinions, of Is warranted to rey ay er In Tins, Is. %., oe, and 10s. each. 7 i ™ ' HORLICK Eczema, Skin and Mood ESeswsee'| ai tep MILK. Pew =j'=' SAVORY & MOORE, Lonoon, ~ A PERFECT FOOD IN ITSELF. | Ditties, %, 54. snd lis, cook, of ai - SS 2 Million Bottles filled in 1873. 39, SNOW HILL, LONDON, E.C. ' Line oin. Bewane y Wonrucess Lartariens. y, solloncali TAMAR ” ol : = OAL

Hemorrhoids, Bile , Loss THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS,""| | | N DI E N of Appetite, Gastele and 3 } Headache. AR: T Ps: GRILLON. yt Tis Meprcat Jourwat. EB. GRILLON, 68, Queen Street, City, London. Pecesmeencs SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 2s. Ga. A BOX.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Szpremper 12, 1891. NICOLL. OUTFITTER. LADIES’ TAILOR TO THE ROYAL FAMILY. 114 to 120, REGENT STREET, and 22, CORNHILL, LONDON. PARIS: 29 and $31, RUE TRONCHET 10, MOSLEY STREET, MANCHESTER, 39, NEW STREET, BIRMINGHAM. 50, BOLD STREET, LIVERPOOL, NOVELTIES FOR TRAVELLING AND AUTUMN WEAR. GENTLEMEN. LADIES. a 5 fo — - Fa = Ts ~ — pa selection of new rough-textured Messrs. NICOLL invite the favour of a visit to inspect their latest mp Sennen Gum oa TENes. end TRoveEniwes ef the best manefactare. ductions for the Travelling and Autumn Season in Costumzs, JACKE, NICOLL'S world-famed OvEeRCOATS, for all Seasons and Climates. Every | ©LOAKS, Capes, &c. m and size kept in stock. Fur-Lined Overcoats from £8 18s. 6d., Spécialité Ripine Hapits and PATENT SKIRT, with which dragying iy ats, Ulsters, Deerstalkers, & ome lutely impossible. Bors’ GARMENTS a Spécialité, from good durable materials at very moderate prices. o » v nol bt. | NO SUGAR, SODA, OR POTASH. BUT EXTRA CREAW. SUGAR IN SOAPS. We will send any Doctor in Great Britain, post free on request, a small | bottle of Test Liquid, by which he may satisfy himself that ‘‘ Vinolia” Soap is levoid of free soda and potash. This test s of little use in determining the excel- e of transparent soaps; but it is not cessary for us to send a test solution for hese, as all that is necessary is a match. Simply burn a thin slice of ordinary tras parent soap, when the odour of the bum sugar will be readily perceptible. Sugar causes the soap to dissolve far mom | freely than it should do, so that th concentrated hydrolised soap may & much damage to the skin, Besides, i 4) one pay for soap, why should he be give 1 ‘“‘soap and sugar” instead of pure soap? VINOLIA POWDER. (For Toilet, Nursery, Tender Feet, §c.) ls. Od., 3s. 6d., and 6s. per Box. VINOLIA DENTIFRICE. English, 2s. 6d. ; American, Is. 6d. Price ls. 9d., 3s. 6d., and 6s. per Box. Price 2s. 6d. per Tablet. PBI PPP PPP PPP PPD DPD PP PP PPP PP PPP PPD BLONDEAU et CIE. American Address: 73 & 75, WATTS STREET, NEW YORK Pris y William Stuart Smith, of No. 30, Loraine Read, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary, letington, in the County of Middlesex Offices of Messrs. Bradbury & Co, Lombard Street, in the Precinct of W hitefriars, im the City Jt and Published by him at No bs, Fleet Street, oe Taus ot oc boas ity of Lendon.—Sarcanat, nt deptember TC To turn over t ‘Refined humo The beau idea “Charming volt "| pleasanter 0 EVERY SATURDAY PUBLISHED Keget ered