Punch 1891-08-22: Vol 101 Iss 2615

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F (. BURNAND'S | “4 re bright, genial OT UMES. and wholesome, and Quite 5/- EACH, | excellent company at Rather at Very Much ILLUSTRATED. yor leisure hours. |Home. | Abroad. Sea. + a 7 { amet how ye - y = rn q . j | = LPtily Ht ye — ! i i it Bi Tia tit IS heicg i | vy) I | ~. Ha lip ; yi ii) 'f J > ie App) tusdaals wearer li Wi) sun comeneeansiianeneannne N° 2615. VOLUME Cl. o— AUGUST 23, = me bo? 2 ee a FOU ALS BV OL WY PRP PTTSS. | Es Coe ee PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, — LONDON. Happy Thoughts wxo ‘More’ “BON@d 33NHL BOING SODA, POTASS, LEMONADE, ANO SPARKLING MALVERN WATERS. chweppes THESE WATERS CONTINUE TO BE SUPPLIED TO Ber Majesty the ®nueen.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Avovusr 22, 1891. CONDY’S FLUID. USED IN ALL HOSPITALS. CONDTYS REMEDIAL FLUID COND Y’S.—A Household Word. COND Y’S.—In Sore Throats Never Fails. COND Y’S. = Sovereign Cure for Relaxed Throat. “I Ged the Condy and cold water gergic excellent, many cases Le rd De. TF It of great service as « disinfect ing oo 4 stimulating gargie Dr. Was, Beaman s Hespttal SORE THROATS. ry Cases Cured at Once. Rrery case showed an immediate improvement. "—Dr Hesosarcern COND Y’S.—Severe Sore Throat uickly Relieved. | have employed it with invariable ’ Seee. Barr CONDY’S. “Cleanses Wounds ret rapiaty ‘—Dr. Pors ‘For Irritating Dis- herges ~Masteas Ti ae CONDY’S. The “Lancet” says: Altogether it ls not wonderful that thie Piald has been « favourite with erientific and unscientific men Cc ONDY’ 8. Everyone should read the reperte by eminent medical authe- rities, affording useful information on numerous ailments, issued with every bottle, of sent free by post om applica- tion te CONDY'S FLUID WORKS, «4, TURNMILL STREET, E.C. PURE ICE MADE IN THREE MINUTES oY Tee Cer OF THE “ CHAMPION” HAND ICE-MAKING MACHINE. GREAT IMPROVEMENTS vst added, by which the out put is nearty doubled. 18 ABSOLUTELY RELIABLE. W ill Coal Wines and Water, make lee Cream, and Liuck lee, Send for List F7 From Sule Licensees, The PULSOMETES ENGIWERRING Coy., L4., NINE ELMS [TRON WORKS, LONDON, 5.W tothe Oe oe FIRST—AND—FOREMOST. NOTE. — First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & POLSON in 1856; not till some time afterwards was any other Corn Flour anywhere heard of, and none has BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR. TO SAVE THE TEETH, USE DAILY THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRIGE WATER Reautifies and Preserves the Teern imparts « Sweet te the Rarara ooling end ing te the Mocra And takes away emeil of Tosacco \ B —The suecess of this the Gret aid Dentifrice ade is aagient bas led to b.~ Mmsvaiors | tations Wen Eee © T & (C's signature band on cack s be @¢,, te. Gt, te, Gd, and &. &, of all Cacmists and Stored, oF or sent, post free, frou. DOLD STREBT, SIVERFOUS. now an equal claim to the public confidence. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Daity Gonsumption, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. “MBEAVIEST POSSIBLE PLATING.” ask Tom | MAPPIN & WEBB'S \ PRINCE’S PLATE. } . (iszen.) “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.” NAVY REVOLVER for House Protection, Traveliers, and for mat takes I) Bs eal. 2 te her a ‘cal coLT’s LICHTWING MA MACAZINE | RIFLES, Por Large and Small Game, Mook shooting, and Target tice, are for accuracy and unequalled for of fire “se. any ae Toe vaES at —_ 8, Giasshous Bt. . w. D!NNEFORD'S MACNESIA Por ACIDITY or rus STOMACH, HEARTBURN, MEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION Sold throughout the World T00 FAT. Bice Dr. Gordon's Care STOUTNESS 5 Srrainiy. state peignt. weight, and = 1, Od, or em to Dr. Goapes, 10, Brusswick Square, ian. we. ba BROTHERS. SCHOOL OUTFITS. SAMUEL RhOTH ERS have ready for immediate use a very large assortment of BOYS’ and YOUTHS’ CLOTHING. They will also be pleased to . Upon application, Parreans of Marentace e- Nor- S em firm is “ Brow” Sere. always kept in stock SAMUEL B ’ Merchant Tailors, Outfitters, &c.,65 & 67, Levoare Hus, LONDON. Ss. Sn: Pilgrim a., Ladgate Hill; 6, Gray's Inn Road. CAUTION. “THE THREE CASTLES” TOBACCO. In the Chancery Division of the If Court of Justice, in an action of W. D. & O. Wits against Miaccs Bursres and Exits Beasrers, of Aldershot, Surrey, Tobacconists, Mr. Justice North. on the lth day of March, 1991, granted a ual injunctic on restra the Defendants from offering for sale or selling shh. of manufacture ot merc handixe of W. D. & H. O. Wrets as and for “The Three Castles” Tobacco. The Defendants were also ae —— of the action poms mitations of M csers w ah Oo OM #aib= THER CASTLES | TOmAC CO, that firm give a notice, that ‘Tobacco the title of | Fak THRE fe CAbELES ‘exea noe that manu- factured by Messrs. W. TLLS, will be against. "KENNA & ©O., 17 & 8, Basinghall Street, London, F.C. Solicitors for Mears. W. D. & H. O. WILLS. STREETER & COMP.'S SPECIALITIES. | a6 DIAMONDS, white, and modern cut, RUBIES of the pigeon’s blood colour, SAPPHIRES of the true blue colour, PEARLS of the finest lustre, RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and DIAMONDS of all colou rs. - REEVES GMITH, Propine OXFORD.-MITRE HOTH ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICay FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KING “WHITBHALL COURT’ RESIDENTIAL FLATS, FACING Tham EMBANKMENT AND WHITEHALL rug 8.w These excelient Suites are fitted with every convenience, ¢g., Hot and Cold Water, Ee Light and hel Visitors’ and Servants Lag operation night and day, and occupy the position in Lendon, affe extensive view the River (with the Surrey Hills in the and the Embankment Gardens. They are sie | conveniently and centrally situate with reset the princi Clubs, Theatres, &c. The mem all finished to suit the wishes of incoming T and the Rents include all Rates, Tain, © Supply, lighting and heating of the Corres Staircases, and the services of all the Porten Suites may be viewed at any time on applicatiag) the Superintendent, J. C UMMERTIELS, & Office on the premises; or to Hawrros & Estate Agents, 1, Cockspur St (late House), 8.W CELEBRATED BUTTER-SCOTC Neca REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUND KROPP RAO Never Beqzires Gr: Black Handle, 5'6. From ai Dee Wholesale, Ospoanr, is & Co., Londo. ‘|PRICE 4/, 2/6, 5/,-& 40/6 per E SQ it ! yy ENGLIS PERFUME Always Refreshing, Sweet and Lasti¢ To be had of all Perfumers, Chemis's, WHOLESALE—R. HOVENDEN & SONS, BERXERS STREET, W., & Crr¥ RoaD, EG L OND N. . wil wo aa | - ea “twee =

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eee ee eer e se _— Avoust 22, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 85 | Miss Trotter (to Cuicnarn, who has found himaelf unable to k THE beanie A COMPANIONS. away). YouZdon’tjseem to find that old gentleman vurry ¢ No. . com. pany ? é , ; Scpwe—On the Coach from Braine? Alleud to Waterloo. The vehicle | Cue, The’ fact is that I much prefer to we iy Sages : - J? , : | of,a scene like this in solitude. has a Belgian driver, but the conductor is a true-born Briton. | ‘Miss T. I have thought you'd be t lite to tell . Mr. Cyrus K. Trorrer and his daughter are behind with Popaury. | but I was moving on, anywa = Oe Say CULCHARD, who is not as yet sufficiently on speaking terms with y. . his friend to ask for an introduction, is on the box-seat in front. Ne te ee and explain, he Mr. ive. a 3 are you getting along, Mavp? Your seat) P a 4 I hen rape I’m as much fmt by this Waterloo yretty comfortable ? : . .. _ | field as I expected, Sir. Asan Amurrcan, I find it doesn’t come u Miss Trotter. Well, I guess it would be about as luxurious if it | to some of our battlefields in the War. We don’t blow about those hadn't got a chunk of wood nailed down the middle—it’s not going | battlefields, Sir, but for style and general picturesqueness, I ain't to have anyone confusing it with a bed of roses just yet. (Zo Pops.) | seen nothing this side to equal them. You ever been over? You Your friend mad about anything? He don’t seem to open his head | want to come over and see our country—that’s what you want to more 'n he ’sobliged to. I presume he don’t approve of your taking up | do. You mustn’t mind me a-running on, but when I meet someone with me and Father—he keeps away from us considerable, I notice. | as I can converse with in my own language—well, I just about Podb. (awkwardly). Oh—er—I wouldn’t say that, but he’s a queer | talk myself dry. kind of chap rather, takes prejudices into his head and all that. I (He talks himself dry, until rejoined by the Guide with Popsury wouldn’t trouble about him if I were you—not worth it, y’ know. and Miss Trorrer. Miss T. Thanks—but it isn’t going to shorten my existence any. Guide (to Popsury). Leesten, I dell you. My vader—eighteen, Cuicu. overhears all this, with feelings that may be imagined. | no in ze Airmi, laboreur man—he see NaPo.fow standt in a saircle ; Belgian Driver (to his horses). Pullep! Allez officers roundt ’im. Boots, op to hier; green cott ; vite! Bom-bom-bom! Alright! vite vaiscott ; vite laigs—— Conductor (to CutcuarD). ’E’s very proud of Podbury. Your father’s legs ? ‘is English, ’e is. ’Ere, Jewxs, ole feller, show Guide. No, Sare; my vader see Naporfon’s the gen’lm’n ’ow yer can do a swear. (Belgian laigs ; leedle ‘at, qvite plain ; no faither—nossing. Driver utters a string of English imprecations with the utmost fluency and good-nature.) ’ Ark at ‘im now! Bust my frogs! (Admiringly, and not without a sense of the appropriateness of the phrase.) But he’s a caution, Sir, ain’t he? J taught him most o’ what he knows! A French Passenger (to Conductor). Dis done, mon ami, est-ce qu’on peut voir d’ici le champ de bataille ? Conductor (with pro ride). It ain't no use your torkin to —_ Moss ot I don’t no ve nch myself. (Zo Cunemarp.) See that field there, Sir 7 Culchard (interested), On the right? Yes, what happened there ? Cond. Fine lot o’ rabbits inside o’ there—big fat ‘uns. (To another Passenger.) No, Sir, that ain’t Belly Lions as you see from ’ere; that’s Mon Sin Jeean, and over there Oogymong, and Chal- lyroy to the left. Ow THe Top or THe Movunp. CuLtcHARD, who has purchased a map in the Waterloo Museum as a means of approachin Miss Trorrer, is pounced u by an elderly Belgian Guide in a blue boune, Srom whom Podbury But you just said you had a faither ! Guide. I say, Napotton ‘ad no faither—vat you call it >—plume—in ’is ‘at, at ze bataille. Podbury. Are you sure? I thought the his- tory books said he “‘ stuck a feather in his hat, and called it Macaroni.” Miss T. I presume you're thinking of our National Amurrean character, Yankee Doodle ? Guide. My vader, ’e no see Napotfon viz a Yankedoodle in ’is ’at; ’e vear nossing. Podbury. Nothing ? What became of the green coat and white waistcoat, then, eh ? Guide. Ah, you unnerstan’ nossing at all! Leesten, I dell you vonce more. My vader—— Podbury. No, look here, my friend; you go and tell that gentleman all about it (sndicating Curcuarp) ; he’s very interested in hearing what NaPoLEon wore or didn’t wear. [The Guide takes possession of CULCHARD once more, who submits, under the impression that Miss Trorrer is a fellow-sufferer. Guide (concluding a vivid account of the fight at Houguymont). Bot ven zey com qvite nearer, zey vind ze rade line no ze Inglis soldiers—nossin bot a breek vall, viz ze moskets—‘ Prown Pesses, we you coal dem—shdeekin out of ze’oles! Ze ‘oles he finds it difficult to escape. sehdill dere. Dat vas Houguymont, in the or- Fe Guide (fixing CuicnarD with a pair of ‘ — Now you —— me and see ze tion Le rheumy eyes and a gnarled forefinger). You see “ an & ,» dail, two piece ; ze i, von piece; ze » You is dat Sol oy a Se iece. I Aas you, Sare. ’Ope you com again soon. vere is dat sehmall yoodt near de vite ’ouse ? not p dere, along my shdeek—so. Dat is vare Percrow vas kill, Inglis [Ccrcuarn discovers that the Trorrrers and Popsuny have gone Officer, Peecton. Two days pefore he vas youndet in de ahum. down some time ago, At the foot of the steps he finds his E say to his sairvan’, ‘‘ You dell ennipoddies, I keel you!” He friend waiting for him, alone. , ; vandt to pe in ze bataille: he vas in ze bataille-seven lance troo| Culch. (with stiff ess). Sorry you considered it necessary to | im, seven; Percron, Inglis Officer. (CuLcnarp node his head stay behind on my account. I see your American friends have miserably.) Hah, you ’ave de shart dere—open ’im out vide, dat de | already started for the station. odder shentilmans see. (CULCHARD obeys, spell-bound.) Vare you see| Podbur. (gloomily). There were only two seats on that coach, and dat blue gross, Vaterloo Shirshe, vere laut Uxsreenee lose ‘is laig. | they wouldn’t wait for the next. I don’t know why, unless it was Zey cot "im off and pury him in ze cott-yardt, and a villow grow | that they saw you coming down the steps. She can't stand you at | oudt of im. °E com ’ere to see the villow growing oudt of his laig. | any price. y Culch. (abandoning his map, and edging towards Miss Trorrer).| Culch. (with some heat). Just as likely she had had enough of Hem—we are ing upon one of the landmarks of our national | your buffoonery ! ' : history —Miss TROTTER. Podb. (with provoking good humour). Come, old chap, don’t get | Miss T. That’s a vurry interesting re-mark. I presume you must | your shirt out with me. Not my fault if she’s found out you think | have studied up some for a wedioction of that kind. Mr. Popsury, your | yourself too big a swell for her, isit? P ; E friend has been telling me—— [She repeats CvLcHARD’s remark, Culch. (hotly). When did I say so—orthink so? It’s what you’ve Podb. (with interest). Got any more of those, old fellow ? | told her about me, and I must say I call it—— , [CoLcHARD moves away with disgusted hauteur.| Podb. Don’t talk bosh! Who said she was forward and bad form The Guide (re-capturing him). Along dat gross vay, VELLAINTON | and all the rest of it in the courtyard that first evening f She was meet Bucsmam. Prussian général, BLUsHarR, VELLAINTON ’e com | close by, and heard every word of it, I shouldn’t wouder. hier. I see’im. Ven’e see ze maundt, ’e vos vair angri. "Esay,| Culch. (colouring). It’s not of vital imp ce if she did. Eet is no ze battle-fiel’ no more—I com back nevare!” Zat aidge | ( Whistling.) Few- ee-fee-foo-foodle-di-fee-di-fa-foo. is vere de Scots Greys vas. Ven they dell NaProtgon ‘oo zey are,'e| Podb. Not a bit—to her. Better step out if we mean to catch say. “ Fine mens—splendid mens, I feenish dem in von hour! ”’ | that train. (Humming.) La- di - loodle - lumpty - leedle - um - ti - Soutt 'e say, ‘‘ Ah, Sire, you do not know dose dairible grey ’orses!” | loo ! : NaPotgow 'e not know dem. Sovtt ’e meet dem at de Peninsulaire—| [They step out, Poppury humming pleasantly and CULCHARD e know dem. In dat Shirsh, dventy, dirty dablets to Inglis officers. | whistling viciously, without further conversation, until they Navorzon ’e coaled op ‘is laift vis, zey deploy in line, vair you arrive at Braine? Alleud Station—and discover that they have see my shdeek—ha, ze shentelman is gone avay vonce more ! just missed their train. VOL, Cl, ee aes © Sarr tae 7

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 22, 1891, ——

f 4 2) 7 — =—— “ eS

we

\ == : : : " pad > | / Se, oe 1 \ SAWS 3 4 v- & wh — Ss 9 vii! »s J UHH at

a i's FEMS A\) \ ™ wil ‘a, \ aT) o ‘ GF re A ‘ —S we OR, THE CHRISTIAN CZAR AND THE HEATHEN CHINEE. rie gl

THE TWO EMPERORS ;

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Avaust 22, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

TWO EMPERORS ; Or, the Christian Czar and The Heathen Chinee. [A decree issued by the Emperor of Cura (in connection with the recent anti-foreign agitation | in that country) points out that the relations be- tween the Chinese and the foreign missionaries have been those of peace and will, and that the | Christians are protected by treaty and by <) | and edicts, and commands the Governors and tenant-Governors to protect the Christians put down the leaders in the riots.] Many writers remark,— And their language is plain, That for cruelty dark, And for jealousy vain, The Heathen Chinee is peculiar,— In future perhaps they ’ll refrain. Au-Srw has his faults, Which one cannot deny ; And some recent assaults On the mis-sion-a-ry, | Have been worthy of—say Christian Russia, When dealing with small Hebrew fry. But the Emperor seems stirred Persecution to bar, Which it might be inferred That I mean the White Czar; But I don’t. On the Muscovite Casar Such charity clearly would jar. He's always the same, And he ti not stay Ais hand; The poor Jews are fair game In a great *‘ Christian ’”’ Land ; But the Lord of the Pencil Vermilion tebukes Ais fanatical band. | A Heathen—of course !— (Whilst the Czar is a Saint) But a sign of remorse At the Christian’s complaint May be seen in the edict he’s issued, Which might make a great Autocrat faint. | A Christian, ’tis true, To a Heathen Chinee Is as bad as a Jew _ Must undoubtedly be To an orthodox Christian of Russdom, Too “‘ pious” for mere Char-i-tee. So one Emperor stones His poor Israelites, Whilst the other one owns Even Christians have “‘ rights,” And, although they ’re (of course) “ foreign evi CONFIDENCES OF A MATURE SIREN. **T apmit I’m wor as Hawpsome As I vsep To Be; sur I’m Twice as Danogrovs!”

Even with your house in order, If you go to take the air, So to pot outside your border, | Lo! the merry germs are there. Doctors vow, in tones despotic, I must dig ‘neath basement floors, Lest diseases called zymotic Enter in at all my pores. Poe - ¢ pms pele Tek . an “ purit ; t ;: ” I’m content to risk disaster, With unhygienic night. THE UNHYGIENIC HOUSEHOLDER. | After reading the Reports of the Congress. TELL me not in many a column, I must pull up all my drains ; Or with faces long and solemn, Threaten me with aches and pains. Let me end this wintry summer, ’Mid the rain as best I may, Without calling in the plumber, For he always comes to stay. I appreciate the Prince’ Shrewd remarks QUEER QUERIES.—Hyrmewzat.—I have about our lot; | been asked to attend the wedding of a friend, But the horror he| and respond to the toast of ‘The Ladies.’ evinces I have never done such a thing before, and At our dangers,| feel rather nervous about it. My friend frights me not. ree On I must “try and be very comic.” Science in expostu-| I have thought of one humorous remayk— lation, about the ‘‘ weaker sex” being really strenger Shows our rules —which I fancy will be effective, but I can’t

Their peace with good-will he requites. Which is why, I maintain And my language is free) That the Czar, though he’s vain Of his Or-tho-dox- Might learn from his a cousin, ough he’s only a Heathen Chinee!

| itabout. The News or “Our Henry” (communicated | by Mr. J. L. T-1e).—To our interviewer the eminent actor replied, ‘* Yes, suffering from bad sore throat, but may talk, as it’s hoarse exercise which has been recommended. A stirrup-cup at ing? Byallmeans. My cob is an excellent trotter, so I pledge you, a bumper — ood-day ! ”’ And so saying, he gaily wa i hat, and iene a eae

Ratner a Lares Onper.”—** The rder of the Elephant” conferred on President Carwor by the King of Den- mark. This should include an Order for the Grand Trunk, in which to carry | Geie 3 ie proper person to receive this | rder is evidently the Grand Duke of usk-any.

of health are think of another. Would one good joke of ’ wrong ; | that sort be sufficient? .A propos of the lady A But my when marksman at Bisley, I should like to advise sanitation all ladies to uy Butts,” only I am Was unknown, men lived as long. | afraid this might be taken for a reference t» ‘ : | the President of the Divorce Division. How If the air with microbes thickens, could I work the Jackson case in neatly? Like some mirk malefic mist, | Would it be allowable to pin my on Tell me prithee how the dickens the wedding-cake, and read it off? Also, e can to exist. 7 | could I wear a mask ? Any hints be From the poison breathed each minute, | welcomed by—Brst May. Whan oo vee the fell things init | en we see the fell things in it, ; So oli | Nor Qurre Porrre.—The Manager of the cpa areengss este, | Oe or ee I’m aware we’re oft caught napping, | plays at 8°15, 9°15, 10.’ 4 And the scientist oe a, not quiteclear. Anyhow, isn’tit rather slur That our yawning drains want trapping. | on other Theatres it implies the Lest the deadly typhoid stay. | whether at 8°15, 9°15, or 10, are indistinee.”

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88 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 22, 1891.

| SOME CIRCULAR NOTES. | | | Prospect of Holiday—An Entrée—A Character in the Opening— Fight and Leading— French Exercise— Proposition— Accepta- tion— Light Comedian— Exit—Jeudi alors—The Start. Cuarrenr I. I aM sitting,’ fatigued, in my study. I have not taken a holiday | this year, or last, for the matter of that. Others have; I haven't. Work! work! work!—and I am wishing that my goose-quills were | wings (‘‘ so appropriate!” whisper my good-natured friends behind | their hands to one another), so that I might fly away and be at rest. | To this they (the -quills, not the friends) have often assisted me ere now. Suddenly, as I sit “a-thinking, a-thinking,” my door | is op ned, and, without any announcement, there stands before me a| slight figure, of middle height, in middle age, nothing about his dress, nothing remarkable about his greyish hair and close- cut beard, but something very remarkable about his eyes, which | sparkle with intelligence and energy; and —es still more | remarkable about the action of his arms, hands, thin, wiry fingers, which suggests the idea of his being an animated semaphore worked by a galvanic battery, telegraphing signals against time at} the rate of a hundred words a minute, the substantives being occa- | sionally expressed, but mostly ‘‘ understood,’’—pronouns and prepo- sitions being omitted wholesale. ‘What! Daverver!” I exclaim, he being the last person I had | expected to see, having, indeed, a letter on my desk from him, dated yesterday and delivered this morning, to say that he was then, at the moment of writing, and practically therefore for the next forty-eight hours—at least, so it would be with any ordinary individual— in Edinburgh. But Daveryer is not an ordinary individual, and the ordinary laws of motion to and from any given point do not apply to him. de is a Flying Teiedioen— here, there, and everywhere ; especially everywhere. So mercurial, that he will be in

“ He is a Flying Frenchman.”

advance of Mercury himself, and having written a letter in the morning to say he is coming, it is not unlikely that he will travel by the next train, arrive before the letter, and then wonder that you weren't prepared to receive him. Such, in a brief sketch, is mon ami DAUBINET. _“* Aha! me voici!” he cries, shaking my hand warmly. Then he sings, ray his hat in his left hand, pon: still grasping my right | with his, “* Voted le sabre de mon pére!” which reminiscence of | Orrxernacn has no icular relevancy to anything at the present | moment, but it evidently lets off some of his superfluous steam. | He continues, always with my hand in his, “ J’arrive ! inattendu ! Mais, mon cher ,””—here he turns off the French stop of his polyglot organ, and, as it were, turns on the English stop,—continuing his | address to me in very distinctly-pronounced English, ‘‘I wrote to you to say 1 would be here,” then pressing the French stop, he con- | cludes with, ‘* ce matin, n’est-ce pas?” _ Parfaitement, mon cher,” | reply, giving myself a chance of | airing a little Freach, being on perfectly safe ground, as he thoroughly understands English; indeed, he understands several uages, and, if I flounder out of my depth in forei stroke will b me safe on to the British rock of intelligibility again ; or, if I sons pereiet in floundering, and am searching for the word as for a plank, he will jump in and rescue me. Under

| second) and he is down : | “* like a flying light comedian” with an airy ‘‘ go” about him, which |of his lightest | Naval Captains in command at Portsmouth. The waters, one | Passage these circumstances, I am perfectly safe in talking French to him— “* Mais je ne vous attendais ce matin” —I ve got an idea that this is something uncommonly grammatical—‘‘d cause de votre lettre que ie viens de receroir”— is, I'll swear, is idiomatic—** ce matin, La voila!” 1 pride myself on ‘‘ La,” as representing my know- ledge that “‘ lettre,” to which it refers, is feminine, ‘*Caramba!” he exclaims—an exclamation which, I have every reason to suppose, from want of more definite information, is Spanish. ‘‘ Caramba!” that letter is from Edinburgh; j'ai risité | Glasgow, the Nord et partout, et je swis de retour, | am going on business to Reims, pour re- Nn, cenir par Paris,—si vous voudrez me donner le plaisir | de votre com te—de Jeudi prochain 4 Mardi—vous serez mon invité,— et je serai charmé, tres charmé.” Being already carried awa in imagination to Reims, pn peg ne by P I am at | once inclined to reply. * Enchanté! wi the greatest pleasure.” ‘ “* Hoe rf cong Hurré!” | e cries, by way of response, | waving b hat. Then he | sings loudly, ‘‘ And—bless the | Prince of Waxes!” After | which, being rather proud of his mastery of Cockneyisms, he changes the accent, i ane: ing, ‘‘ Blaass the Prince of Wartes!” which he considers his chef d’cuvre as an imitation of a genuine Cockney tone, to which it bears exactly such resemblance as a scene of ordinary London life drawn by a French artist. Then he says, seriously—‘‘ Eh bien! allons! iy C est fizé—it is fixed. We meet Victoria, et Wy, | alors, par London, Chatham & Dover, from y Reims vid Calais, trés bien, —train ‘d onze Vf heures précises,—bien entendu. J’y suis. Ihr Diener! Adios! <A reverderla! <Addio, amico caro!” Then he utters something which is between a sneeze and a growl, sup- posed to be a term of endearment in the Russian | Au revoir!” os Finally he says in English, ** Good- | e! which I take to be the hundredth part of a e stairs into the hall, and out at the door

His hat is on in a ji recalls to my mind the running exits of CHARLES WYNDHAM in one comedy-parts. “‘ du revoir! Pour Jeudi alors!” I hear him call this out in the hall, the door as if a firework _ exploded and blown my vivacious friend up into the air, and he as gone. ** Jeudi alors”’ arrives, and I am at Victoria for the eleven o’clock —e to the minute, having decided that this is the shortest, and cheapest holiday I can take. I’ve never yet tra with my excellent French friend Davarvet. I am to be his guest ; all respon- sibility is taken off my shoulders except that of my ticket and luggage, and to travel without responsibility is in itself a novelty. To have to think of nothing and nobody, not even of oneself! Away! away!

Potrresse. — The following version of our great popular Nava! Anthem will be issued, it is oped, from White- = hall (the French being supplied by the Lords of the Admiralty in conjunction) to all the musical graceful nature of the intended compliment cannot eseape the thickest-headed land-lubber :— Dirige, Madame la France, Madame la France dirigera les vagues ! Messieurs les Francais ne seront jamais, jamais, jamais, Esclaves ! The effect of the above, when the metre is carefully fitted to the tune (which is a work of time), and sung by a choir (with accent) of a . thousand British Blue-jackets, will doubtless be quite electrical.

Nore py a Traveciine Feiiow Frast Crassic.—There ’s no pas- sage in any Classical author, Latin or Greek, so difficult as is the between Dover and Calais on a rough day, and yet, strange to say, the translation is comparatively easy.

A Picrvrs on tHe Live.—Sketch taken at the Equator. ——— ows

origi man, he ha berts by th Wite to be who son, | Cuth tenti the | has | point | stag | came Br have not

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Aveust 2 2, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL 89 QUITE A LITTLE NOVELTY. Dear Mr. Puwcn,—As Englishmen are so often accused of want riginality, 1 hope you will let me call your attention to an oecca- when it was conclusively proved that at least two of the British were free from the reproach. The date to which I refer a 3 4 +& | J was the 1st | Pieces. | APELPHI | bese rr. ASTREA of August last, when “a new and |} original ) drama,” | entitled The | Trumpet Call, _ was produ \ th \ Lay céd at e Adelphi Theatre, and the two exceptions to the gene- ral rule then proclaimed | were Messrs. Grorcze R. Sims and ROBERT Professor Ginnifer exhibiting Sims’ and Buchanan’s Monstrosities. on original piece is simple in the extreme. Cuthbertson, a you tle- man, has married his wife in the belief that his Wife No. 1 (of whom he has lost sight), is “ ving; thus be a widower, Cuth- bertson is confronted by Wife No. 1 and deserts Wife No.2. Assured by the villain of the piece that she is not really married to Cuthbertson, Wife No. 2 es gr to marry her informant. The nuptials are about to be celebrated in the Chapel Royal, Savoy, when enter Wife No. 1 who explains that she was a married woman when she met Cuthbert- son, and therefore, a fair, or rather unfair, bigamist. Upon this Cuthbertson (who is conveniently near in a pew, wearing the unpre- tentious uniform of the Royal Horse Artillery), rushes into the arms of the lady who has erroneously been numbered Wife No. 2, when she has been in reality Wife No. 1, and all is joy. Now I need scarcely point out to you that nothing like this has ever been seen on the before. It is a marvel to me how Messrs. Smas and BucHanan came to think of such clever things. _ But if it had been only the plot that was original, I should not have been so anxious to direct attention to The Trumpet Call. But stage al- NW Whiaas iy «| li | Mbit it Inul » ' An Altared Scene. ‘he incidents and characters are equally novel. For instance, unlike | (he Lights o” London, there is a caravan and a showman. Next, un- uke In the Ranks, there are scenes of barrack-life that are full of | ‘reshness and originality. In Harbour 9 Ats, if my memory does | Bot play me false, the hero enlisted in the s,in The Trumpet & | places we visit. | New Worx ny Sm Avovsrvs Drertotanvs—to be included in — Call he joins the Royal Horse Artillery .. Then, again, unlike the scene in the New Cut in The Lights o London, there is a view by ae ¢ the exterior of the Mogul Music Hall. Further, there is a House” scene, that did not for a moment (or certainly not for more than a moment) recall to my mind that gathering of the poor in the dark arches of a London bridge, in one of Bovercavtr’s By the way, was that play, 4 Dark, or was it The Streets of London? | really forget which. Then, all the characters in the new play are absolutely new and original. The hero who wil! bear eve for his alleged wife’s sake, and weeps over his child, is quite new. is the heroine who takes up her residence with poor but amusing showmen, instead of — relatives. That is also — new, and there was nothing like it in The Lights o’ London. ‘he too, who will do and dare anything (in reason) to wed the lady whe has secured his affections,“is also a novelty. So is a haracter played by Miss Clana Jecxs as only Miss Ciara Jecxs can randy in it. And there are many more equally bright and in a word, o and fresh, iginal. So, my dear Mr. Punch, hasten to the Royal Adelphi Theatre, if you wish to see something that will either wake you up or send you to sl Go, my dear Mr. Punch, and sit out The Trumpet Call, and when you have seen it, you will understand why I sign myself, Yours faithfully, Oxe wo nas Seew Nornrxe Lice rr Berore “FRENCH AS SHE IS SPOKE.” From Admiral Gervais to My Lor’ Maire. Mvcu we regret, Lor’ Maire, mon cher, Your banquet to refuse ; But if you fear not mal de mer, Pack up your maille de mer, mon cher, And join us in a cruise. From My Lor’ Maire to Admiral Gervais. Mon cher Gervais, Can't say ** Je vais,” Except *‘ Je vais DL’ autre cbté,” Gervals, tu vas,— Moi—Je ne vais pas. LE ROI (EN GARQGON) EN VOYAGE, S’AMUSE; | Or, what his Juvenile Majesty packed in his * Gladstone,” and set down | in his Notes, de, Ollendor ff—Servian—in French, German, Russian, and any other | Eastern tongues, as yet published. Twelve dozen Boxes of Tin Soldiers. Ditto, ditto, Bricks to Match. k Complete Letter Writer (with addenda), specially added by his ‘* Papa,”’ as models to be followed more or closely when address- | ing his mother on matters of a homely and domestic character. e Boy-King’s Guide to the r and decent method of pre- siding at a Cabinet Council, showing how the same may be conducted conjointly with the introduction of Ninepins, or some other equally | interesting, intellectual, and manly game. List of the best Sweet-stuff Shops. Ditto, ditto ‘of what’s going on, and most worth looking up in Hand-Book to Leger de Main, with special reference to Practical Joking at State Functions, and other High Jinks! __ Shilling Hand-Book to Home Made Fersvento, with Permanent Order signed by War Minister for supply of necessary materials. Hyjinks and Hygiene. Hyorenr and Demography! Never before With such wonderful names has a Conference met, With statistics by thousands and papers galore As to pe Demos vente, as oo vee "s to get. It’s not always ectly clear what they mean Yet, tes os pers Aa is right when he thinks Though no doubt they would die for beloved nt As a matter of fact they indulge in High Jinks. the ‘‘ Opera Omnia,” by the same Author writing under a nom de plume, entitled, * Legs Taglionis ; or, Little Steps for Babes in the Ballet, By a Pa’ de Quatre.” Also ‘‘ Classes and Lasses,”’ same series.

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a —_--_-—_———_ mM Ys ' ruis NIGHT ONLY Gorn ) BE POISONED BY HIS BREASTLY Wine. Ser?” FRAUD! Hriuto, Mowry, WHAT HAVE you GoT ts your BuTron G To Dixe witn Jakes. Don’t want PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avousr 22, 1891, P ae ja Mink Glin Me 4G Yr Ys / You pon’r MEAN TO SAY You 'VE JOINED THe Birr Riepox TO HURT POOR OLD JAKES’S FEELINGS—-DON'T NEPTUNE’S “AT HOME;” OR, NEICHBOURS UNITED. Tue French are all coming, for so they declare, Of their fleet and their tars all the papers advise us , They ‘re to come o’er the sea and to Portsmouth repair, Their squadrons at Spithead will please, not surprise us. Their fleet is to come for a right friendly spree ; To promise them “‘ skylarks”’ is hardly presumption. They ’re welcome to Neprunr’s old ** Halls by the Sea.” Of powder and grog there'll be mighty consumption, In toasts and salutes, for they ’re friends and invited : Joun and Jomnyy clasp paws, And drink deep to the Cause Of Neprunr’s two guests and brave Neighbours United! The seribes and the specials report wondrous things, Of the grand preparations, the routs and the rackets. (ione the old days of huge wooden walls and white wings, We now meet without mutual dusting of jackets. Well so much the better! Our seas let them try, Their squadrons are welcome to float em and swim ’em. Like good Cap'n Cuttle we'll smile and “* stand by,”’ Friendly bumpers we'll empty as fast as they brim 'em To welcome his guests Father Neprune’s delighted, He ’ll clasp both their paws, And drink deep to the Cause Of Sailors as shipmates and Neighbours United ! Old Nep is *‘ At Home” to the Sailors of France. Old foes turn new friends as their reason grows riper ; ‘* All hands for Skylarking!” A measure we ‘ll dance, With friendship for fiddler and pleasure for piper. ’Tis a good many years since they sought our white shor Once more at hands’ -grip we are glad to have got em. As to Jingos or Chauvinists,—out on the bores! Such Jonahs should promptly be plumped to the bottom Poor swabs! For this party they are not invited ; Shall they come athwart hawse As we drink to the Cause Of Shipmates for ever and Neighbours United ? Yes, we know that humanity fondly may scheme For Peace, of all ills the supposed panacea : We know that Utopia’s = a dream, Unbroken good fellowship but an idea. Old Nep knows his great Naval Show is now on, And ArMstrone and Wuirwortn’s huge works he’s aware on; He sees what our shipwrights and gunsmiths have done To send foes o’er the Styx in the barque of old Charon. At sight of War’s muderous monsters half frighted, E’en valour may pause, And drink deep to the Cause, Of Good-will among Nations and Neighbours United ! But, gushing apart, ’tis a sight for sad eyes To see ancient rivals on joint messmate duty. A French ship in our waters and not as a prize Might once have perturbed British Valour and Beauty. But now Father Neptune, ‘‘ At Home,” calmly grips His trident, and smiles with most friendly benignity. We welcome French Sailors, and shout for French ships, Without an abatement of patriot dignity. To see any friend of Jouw But Nep’s delighted. He holds out his paws, And will drink to the Cause Of Peace on the Ocean and Neighbours United! Then shout, Britons, shout, while the neighbouring crews Hob-nob, as the symbol of neighbouring nations ; Whilst Nerruns at Home welcomes brave Brother Blues, And serves out the stingo to each in fair rations. Your spirits, ye sturdy old seadogs, might smile On a friendship which to your true hearts is no treason. The Sea-God makes free of his favourite Isle The French lads he once would have shied, and with reason. Now to greet brave Gervais and his tars he’s delighted. Midst general applause Let us drink to the Cause. Hooray for Nep’s Visitors, Neighbours United! Ti iNA14AN bo7) ‘riagy Nuc ANOOTAM OL GVID BSAVAVIV, OL AW MOTIV, MONGCOULNI 10 GNATMA ANY UK ‘ALVKASSAUN AK ‘SUQOA inNHOC “ANILMIAN

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—Avevst NEPTUNE’S “AT HOME;” OR, NEIGHBOURS UNITED. Joun Buus. (leg.). *“* ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY MESSMATE, MR NEPTUNE.’ Nerprexe. “ALWAYS GLAD TO WELCOME ANY FRIEND OF YO RS, JOHN!

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They d The pri Wire-y Hope, bec He—C But, in Of cour sut—r Your oj Did not Of frau And sh Only th Have y How w: To back The ** | And Your ( He does As colle Well, b sut the Persuac Did yor And ho ) TAlse Well, t ” Wl Keep Tell yor M.P.’s Are me And P Take ¢} From Pp ] THE hess ————

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99 ll -—-y, 1891.] 93 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “HELPS” AND WHELPS. _ Tur following advertisement appeared som¢ little time since in the columns of a daily contemporary : THE SHELVED SEX. P» One who keeps his Ears open. ) Hames Russell Lotvell, g firmly in the absolute justice of Born, Fen, 22, 1819. Dien, Avo. 12, 1891. m to the ‘ Parliamentary’ franchise, | | nes support that claim.”—Mr. Logan, for the Harborough Division.) “ We could not have been prouder of him had he | been one of us.”— Times, | Barp of two worlds, and friend of both, | As ripe in years as culture, verily To miss that voice two worlds are loth, | In which much wisdom spake so merrily. A voice, and no mere echo, thine, Of many tones, but manly ever. ae | rustic Biglow’s rugged line grateful world neglecteth never! | It smote hypocrisy and cant [ripple With flail-like force; sleek bards that Like shallow pools—who pose and pant, And vaguely smudge or softly stipple,— These have not brain or heart to sing As Biglow sang, our quaint Hosea, Whose ‘* Sunthin in the Pastoral line,” Full primed with picture and idea, Lives, with ‘‘ The Courtin’,”’ unforgot, The mockery of false And worth whole volumes of sham-Shen- M.P.’s! stone. When an Election | Yes, you could catch, as prigs may not, omes in sight, Nl | Pure women’s speech and valiant men’s TT\O those who have not time to give their dogs sufficient exercise in London.—A Lady, expe- rienced, would EXERCISE DOGS in the Park. Terms, one hour daily, 5s. a week ; two hours, 7s. 6d. | Address, &c. Listen to this, Rover, my hound ! This passes expectation ! A ** Lady Guide,” who'll trot you round For scant remuneration ! U.P. When pain and anguish wring my brow Because I’m doomed to hark To your ‘* Why-not-go-out ?” bow-wow, She'll take you to the Park! Cometh this ministering sprite, Smiling upon us meekly, : And says, *‘1’ll make your burden light ) Woman, in our For seven-and-sixpence weekly.” hours of ease, They talk of ‘‘woman’s sphere,”’ when sole, Her hemisphere, when mated ; But surely here she’s reached the goal For which she was created! E’en Ministers admit thy “* right.” Beli them not; hey do not dote On the Political Pet- Tis all a politie pre- me of them are upon the fence ; me of them have “‘ political” wives, nd shirking stings in their home-hives, ike up ‘the Cause”? with a sham zeal, Vhich not five in five thousand feel. hear them over a Club-dinner Chuckling about the ‘* pretty sinner”’ Who hankers for that finer Club, The House o’ Commons! There’s the rub! They do not want you there, my dears ; rhe prospect of your ‘‘ franchise” queers Wire-pullers’ plans, and party reckoning— Hope, in male guise, stands blandly beckoning. He—Codlin—is the friend, not Short, But, in his heart he’s making sport. Of course ’tis wickedest of shames, jut—recollect Sir Henry James, ur open enemy avowed, Did not the House o’ Commons crowd Of frauds and shams play up to him, And shelve ‘‘the Female Franchise’? whim Only the other day ? Sheer diddle ! Have you not nous to read the riddle ? How wondrous prompt was W. G. fo back up Ssrra! With what sly glee The ‘* Woman’s Rightists”’ did subside. And sub silentio—let you slide! ay Hp Your Grand Old Man, dears,—well, Ae’s He doesn’t want some Grand Old Woman As colleague or as rival. Woopat ? Well, he is gentle, genial, good all ; B it there ’s a twinkle in his eye Persuades me that he would not die Did you consent to drop your “ claim.” And now there comes another name = raise for Shes the party slogan. ell, trust, dears—if you like—to Locan ; 4 will support you at all times !” [rhymes ; “Pp your eye on him! S#HAksPeARE’s “ P you “ Men were deceivers ever.” ut. 8 wise, foolish, crass, and clever, Are—nominally—on your side, — privately—your cause deride. a the straight tip, my dears—I glean it Tom private talk—they don’t half mean it ! : ‘He VoLuyreers’ Foornotp.—Shoebury- ess —— Zekle and Huldy in our hearts [tone. Have found a place. But a true Poet, Like SHAKSPEARE’S Man, plays many parts. You chid us sharply, wil we know it, For you’d the gift of Satire strong, And knew just how to lay the lash on. You smote what you thought British wrong, Well, that won’t put us in a passion. ** I ken write long-tailed if I please,” You said. And truly, polished writer, More like “a gentleman at ease,” Never ‘touched quill than this’ shrewd smiter. Your ‘‘ moral breath of temperament ” Found scope in scholarly urbanity ; And wheresoever LOWELL went Sounded the voice of Sense and Sanity. We loved you, and we loved your wit. Thinking of you, uncramped, uncranky ; Our hearts, ere we ’re aware of it, ** Run helter-skelter into Yankee.” ‘* For puttin’ in a downright lick ’Twixt Humbug’s eyes, there’s few to metch it.” Faith, how you used it; ever quick Where’er Truth dwelt, to dive and fetch it. Vernacular or cultured verse, The scholar’s speech, the ploughman’s tter | You ‘ioe, but still in each were terse, As clear in point as full in matter. You’d not disdain “the trivial flute,’’ The rustic Pan-pipe you would finger, Yet could you touch ‘‘ Apollo’s lute” To tones on which Love’s ear would linger. Farewell, farewell! Two countries loved, Two countries mourn you. None will quarre With English hands, which, unreproved, Lay on your bier an English Laurel! | Aw Otp Scnoor Bvor.—Under the heading of ‘‘Church and Schools,” the St. James's Gazette gave an interesting illustration of | ‘* public spirit in schools.” It recounted how ‘*An Old Bedford Boy” —no relation to | Ropert, the Waiter, we believe—in the course of returning thanks, said, ‘‘ I have bathed in all the at rivers of the world.” Then he| added, ‘‘ the water of the sluggish Ouse is the sweetest of them all.”” Oddly enough his name was ‘‘ ZrnckE,” though evidently he must be a first-rate *‘ Zwimmer.” With genuine love for his old school, he might have added that he wished he was a Buoy again. But he seems to have got on swimmingly every- where. Soie gras. Lh, She'll chaperon you down the Row, With silken cord she ’ll lead Your footsteps where the flowerets blow,— | A “lucky dog,” indeed ! She ll win your love by bits of cake, She ’Il let you bark, or growl, And fight with other dogs, and make War on the water-fowl. Yet is it right your wayward tramp Her maiden steps should hamper ? No one who knows you for a scamp Would take you for a scamper! And oh !—a thought most base and black, That puts me in a fluster My Rover, would she bring you back ? No, no, I will not trust her! The offer tempts—(again that bark !) But no—'tis weak to falter ; The chain that leads you to the Park May lead me to the Altar ! From a Very OccastonaL CORRESPONDENT. -* At Craig-y-nos we’ve been keeping up quite Craig-y-noces. High jinks up here. Craig-y-nos means the ‘ Rock of the Night,’ | but, mind you, no rock has been required by any of us when we did go to bed, even though we had real Welsh rabbits for supper. Madame Parti, who takes the Patti-cake here, is far tod wiry ever to be a Patti de Delicious air here, as any air must be in which Patrr has a voice.—Yours truly, ‘Tue Apprest or Tux Ap Joneses.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OF His #UG@e@RSTIONA MonTus, AND sexnps Mr. Puxwcn THIS OUTLINE ns * cones sae vis al PerK in ee GRANDOLPH HAVING STUDIED THE PRETORIAN PARLIAMENT, IS OF OPINION THAT THE PROCKEDINGS IN THE COMMONS MIGHT BE CONSIDERABLY IMPROVED DURING THE SuMMeER findiny the mi Q. Guild! A. fied al Lord Q. ys the ¢ Lieut. playir and My He ha the w as he a ree Wher F ite ba Fin out. wh:

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AvGuUsT 22, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE DEMOCRAPHIC VADE MECUM. Question. You properly “attended the Congress last week ? : Answer. Certainly, by wearing a small rooch pinned on the flap of my coat. Q. What effect had thison the cabmen ? A. To cause them to charge me just Jouble the customary fares. y. Did you go to the Inaugural | eeting ? . A. Of course, but as it was so crowded, [ could get no further than the door. Q. Did you hear the speech of the Prince of WALES? A, Unfortunately not; but I had the | advantage of seeing the top of his Royal Highness’s head. Q. Did you go to the Soirée in Lin- coln’s Inn Fields, at the Hall of the | Royal College of Surgeons ? 4. I did, and was much amused at | finding myself drinking claret cup in| the museum devoted to skeletons. Q. Did you go to the reception at | Guildhall ? A. Certainly, and was greatly grati- fied at the amusements supplied to the Lord Mayor’s guests. | Q. What were those amusements ? A. So far as I could see, the Band of the Grenadier Guards, conducted by Lieut. Dan Goprrey in undress uniform, playing before Sir JoserH Savory, Bart. ; and some charters under a glass case. “Oy | TWO HEADS BETTER THAN ONE, An Optical Illusion in a Lady's Orchestra, Q. Was that all? A. Well, I heard some ha of course there were the Lard trum peters. Q. Did you get your hat and coat in comfort ¢ A. In great comfort fought like a wild beast with other wild beasts for an hour and a half to get up to the place of distribution. Q. Was this part of the programme badly managed * A. It was not managed at all. The and then Mayor's | s after I had | City Authorities had not even had the | sense to put the numbers available at each counter en évidence. Q. Did you derive any linguisticlearn- | ing from this struggle * _ A. Certainly. heard bad lenguage in sixteen different tongues. Q. And what (as a connoisseur) did you think of the oaths ? A, That none were comparable to that English expletive which is equally sug- gestive of a barrier in a river, the mother of a lamb, and the observations of an angry man. Q. Did you go anywhere else ? A. The entertainments | attended were so numerous that it is impossible to remember a tithe of them. Q. And what did you doabout Science * A. Left it for discussion until th: meeting of the Congress to be held next year. ROBERT’S AMEKICAN FRIENDS. My Amerrycane Frend has cum back again to the ‘‘ Grand Hotel.” He has bin with us nearly a month, and says he finds it, as before, the werry best Hotel anywheres for a jowial Bacheldore. I thinks as he’s about the coolest card as I ever seed, tho as good natured as a reel Lady, and I don’t think as that’s at all a bad karacter. When he heard as the Germun Emprer was a cummin to Gildhall, he acshally arsked me to interdooce him to the Lord Marg, as he wanted a few tickets for hisself and frends! And when I told him as that coudn’t be manidged, he arsked where he coud buy a few, as he supposed as money coud buy anythink, and praps he wasn’t so werry rong arter all. He had two or three Amerryean frends to dinner the other day, and didn’t they jest tork away. One of ’em arsked me if I didn’t think as it was shamefoolly xtravagant to give the Lord Marg of our little City jest the same salary for governing his one little | : ry mile, as they in Amerrykey gave their Presedent for governing their hole country, altho it was about thirty times larger than ours. To which I boldly replied most suttenly not, becoz I had herd as there was lots of Presedents in the World, but | ony one Lord Marke of London, te which my frend shouted out, | “Bravo, Ropert, that’s one to you! ” ,Amost all their tork was about what they calls their ‘‘ World’s Show,” as is to be held at Chickargo, I year after next, and what the arrange for the Lord Mare al Carridges, and state Footmen, and state Robes, to go over and show em how to open it! And the funniest one of the lot acshally said as [ must go with ’em, for the World’s Show woud not be a perfect show without they had in it the most horiginal specimen of a reel London Hed Waiter to show to their 50 million peeple! And I am to have the werry biggest tip as ever a Hed Waiter had. And I’m a sure - they meant it all, for they larfed all the while as they | W\rked about it. | This same one had a Ticket for Guildhall the hother heavening, when about four thowsand gests was there, and jolly fun he says it was, for they all see to ein a drinking of werry good Shampane | about Nine a Clock, and kep on at it for above three hours, for there pet not nothink else for ’em to do, and so they did that, and did | He arsked me if I coud remember what outlandish names the | Principal gests was all called, and when I told him I thort they was '6H-GIN and Demmy-Groeey, they all roared again, and shouted | out, “that’s another to you Rosert; go ahead, my tulip!” Tho what they meant I’m sure I don't kno. have naterally come here for, is to thinks they called it, the | his too Sherryffs, with their State | Our peationaniy Manager looked in to see how they was a getting on, and when they told him what they called my last joke, ewen he larfed away like the best on ’em. The fust time I gets a chance I ‘lI ask him to explain it all to me. What seemed to have struck the Amerrycan most, was what he de- scribed asthe twelve most bewtifool Angels, all most bewtifoolly drest | in most bewtifool close, a playing most bewtifool toons on most bewtifoo Arps! which he said reminded him more of Heaven than anythink he had ever seen or heard. He arsked me the name of the bewtifool hair as they played three times, and when I told him as I believed as it | was a Welsh wun, and was called ‘‘ The March of the Men of Gar- lick,” he wonderd how men with such bad taste could have written such sweet music. | They can tell jolly good staggerers they can! said as how we was a getting so scrowged up in the old they thort of giving us jest a little slice of theirs about thirty times as big as ours, they could easily spare it. | But this I must and will say, they are perfect Gennelmen, and, as the best possibel proof of it, they is allers werry libbral to =. OBERT. be a on ’em Jountry, that OUR BOOKING-OFPFICE. Iyrerestixe romance is Marton Crawronn’s Witch of Prague ; the witch novel might easily have been told in one volume instead of three. Skipping is good exercise. The casual reader, and the travelli reader or journey-alist, won’t get muc better entertainment for his money than he will find in Stories of Old and New Spain, by Toomas A. JANVIER. No April foolin’ around on the part of JANVIER with metaphysical digressions, but all straight to the point. For sen- } sation, try Saint Mary of the Angels. — Adelphi melodrama isn’t in it with this story. Also in San Antonio there is a simple, quiet humour; and The Legend of Padre José is singularly touching. infinite variety. (Signed ) - Sensational. Altogether a book this of Baron pe Boox-Worms. “How's taat ror Hr”-crexic? —In_ spite of | the London Season being over, the Hygienic Congress what "Agry would call a “*’igh old time” of it in London last week. In anticipation of their next merry ciation is already a } a pa and Apparent Connection between ‘ Hygiene Jinks.’ ” usily engaged in preparing a paper on “‘ The and ‘ High eirs, and as theirs was | meeting, a distinguished member of the Asso- |

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96 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Avausr 22, 1891, | = UNDER THE SCREW. | MUSIC FOR THE PARLIAMENTARY MILLION. | By a Liberal M.P. | Mr. Farwer-Arxnysox, M.P., has announced that during the Recess }, — : . ; | will deliver political addresses interspersed with songs and music. To assist big On, where shall I go, and what shall I do? we have prepared a specimen “‘ utterance,”’ which, for the sake of convenjens Turn which way I will, I am under the screw. | one have docu into a dramatic form. ‘ Every Voter must feel a tight clutch on the throat Of my conscience — poor thing !—ere he'll promise his vote. Pat late was my patron,—’twas only his fun! Now he’s “ three single gentlemen” not rolled in one. Enter Mr. Fanmen-Arxryson, M.P., with an assortment of musical instrument, which he places on a table in front of him. Immense apetnms, during which the Hon. Gentleman picks up a Cornet and plays a solo. Enthusiam, Mr. Farmer-Atkinson (bowing after recovering from his exertions). Ladi and Gentlemen. (Hear, hear!) Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen, for your | cordial reception. ( Applause.) And you must know, Ladies and Gentlemen, tha although I have given you a solo on the cornet, I did not visit this flourishing town (cheers), this highly civilised town (renewed applause), this model tow; hearty cheering), with the intention of blowing my own trumpet. (He pauses— | silence.) Don’t you understand? I did not want to blow my own trumpet | joke, see ? (4 laugh.) Thank you! And now about the Irish Question. Wa everybody harps upon it. So will I. ‘* Come back to Erin.” (Plays ang sings the touching melody—a harp accompaniment—applause.) ank you! And now about the Triple Alliance. Well, I think I can illustrate that, both | musically and politically. Triple means three. Well, I will take this dram | my back, beating it with the sticks that are bound to my shoulders; then | will apply my mouth to this set of pipes, while I beat a triangle with my hands, | There’ (Plays the musical instruments simultaneously—applause.) Thank | you! Yousee I get some sort of music. A little unattractive possibly (Ny! |no!”’), but still sufficiently pleasing to elicit your admiration. (‘ Hear, hear!” | Thank you! Well, this effect reminds me of the Triple Alliance. We ms | take the drum to represent Italy, the set of pipes Germany, always fond of| | {| Til |making a shrill noise, and the triangle will ably represent Austria. See?! Hi | HTTi Th Great applause.) And now I am very unwilling to weary you further, ETT | | sf ‘* No, no!”’) Thank you! But I myself have an appointment which I mug a Wh et keep, so therefore, I must conclude my entertainment—I should say speech, | — Vy! A eS | Otherwise you would grow weary of me? (‘‘ No, no/’’) Thank you! Bat Vil | before bidding you good-bye, I must sing you one more song that I think wil]! Ps | please everybody. It is called ‘‘ Home Sweet Home.” (Thunders of applause,)| | And now I will just get the right key and fire away. (He tunes up harp, and , ; ‘ | prepares to play.) And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, silence please, while | There ’s PakwuLt, Macartuy, and Savyperson! Phew! | sing the most touching song in my répertoire. (Sings with immense feeling, | If I partly please one, 1 make foemen of two. ‘* Home, Sweet Home.”’) Now then, Ladies and Gentlemen, chorus, please— Hang Ireland! And Scotland is getting as bad. ‘* Home. sweet home ! The 8. H. R. A. will insist on their fad ; [** squeeze.” Where’er we wander, And their plan, too, is ‘* pressure.” It’s just nought but tons : ain 1” And the poor M.P.’s life is one long “‘ Little-Ease,” Theres no place like ho—o—o—ome! Ta¥ry too takes his turn at the merciless rack [The chorus is repeated as Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON disappears behind « And there isn’t a faddist, fanatic, or quack : curtain on the platform, and the audience fade away. jut has his own Screw, which he wants to apply. = The Temperance Man “‘ Direct Veto” would try, Wary Porn; . Gal ITS ia Spreranes an | Sipe Tote wens A PENNY FRENCH—TWOPENCE BRITISH. He’s vicious, and puts direct veto on me. (A Fragment from a Romance of the G. P. 0.) Ungenerous hot Anti-Jennerites claim My vote against vaccine, or howl at my name; The Working-Man wants his Eight Hours, or, by Jingo, He'll give me—at polling— particular stingo. The Socialist wants me to do with the Land A—well, a dashed something I can't understand ; The Financial Reformer, ’tis little he ** axes,” Tue youth, without a moment’s hesitation, dashed manfully into the sea He was watched by the excited spectators, who cheered him as he breasted the waves that beat against the head of the S~ Admiralty Pier. It must, indeed, have been a hea great prize in view that could have caused such a daring feat. That was the thought of the old Coast-guardsman, as he watched the lad (he was And nom, sith the Genorel isction in view searcely more than a boy) as he took stroke after | — a ia 1’m dashed if a poor M.P. knows what to do. stroke for Calais. Now he rested on the back of a — \ on How to live on the rack is a regular poser. treacherous porpoise that soon cast him away. ~ an 2 By Jove, I’m half tempted to turn a—Primroser ! Will the steamboat lend him a helping hand, or rather rope?” muttered the veteran salt, as ~ ff he watched the seemingly fragile figure of the swimmer. ‘Ah, by Neptune! well done! Strike me flat with a lubberly marling-spike, but a kindly act indeed!” TOO FREE TO BE EASY The action that had extorted the admiration of the aged seaman was a rope ; : aomnte that had been thrown over the steamboat’s bulwarks. The now weary swimmer Scere—Ezterior of a Board School. Enter x. and t. evatetully accepted the boon. It saved his life. ' The soft “* Primrose Path” may conduct to the fire, But ’tis easy at least, and of Screwing I tire! well-meaning Philanthropist and long-headed Artisan. ‘Will you pay the difference, and come on board, young Sir?” asked the They greet one another with differing degrees of Captain of the packet, facetiously. cordialty. ‘* Were it not that I am very poor,” gasped out the tired and shivering lad, Philanthropist (heartily). Ah, my good friend, andhow ‘‘I should not have undertaken this gigantic but necessary task.” are you taking advantage of this great boon—the enormous He held on bravely, and in good time the coast of France was sighted, neared, privilege of free education ? and reached. Although as cold as stone, owing to the exposure to the waves, Artisan (doggedly). By not sending my lad to school. | the swimmer was now refreshed. He threw away the rope, and once more struck Phil. (with pained astonishment). You surprise me. | out. Art. 1 don’t see why I should. I’m only following} ‘ Adieu!” he cried to the crew of the steamboat. ‘I can finish the rest of Sawwre’s lead. It’s what they did in Scotland. They | the distance without assistance.” gave them free education, and that’s the way to read it, He was as good as his word. Soon he was standing on French ground buying and a good way too! a post-card for India. ; Phil. Well, at least you ought to be grateful. “And why have you come in this strange fashion?” asked an aged mi Art. Grateful! Grateful for what ? ; : , ’ sionary of British extraction. Phil. Why, for free education—for education, you | The weary lad replied in a faint voice, “‘ Because at Calais a post-card t know, that costs you nought. India costs a penny, at Dover twopence! Yet both s surely are conveyed Art. Ob, it pot meta does it ? en th von te Ce il. 4 swimming from Dover to Celais'T have saved a penny - | nothing ! [ Breunt—in rery different directions !| And as he recorded this undoubted fact he fainted. > NOTICE —Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether M3., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception, BOTTLES BTWEE MAKES

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avovusr 22, 1891. i. 0 56 Soap. | “Vinolia PUREST. SAFEST. BEST. NO SODA OR POTASH. . Does not Dry or Shrivel the Skin, Hair, and Nails, \ ‘* An ideal Soap, delightfully perfumed.”— Chemist and Druggist. ‘Of unquestionable excellence, and much in favour with the profession.”— British Medical Journal. ‘‘ Excellent from its purity, lathers freely, and is very lasting.” — Queen. a { Floral, 6d.; Balsamic, 8d.; Otto Toilet, 10d.; and Vestal, 2s. 6d. per tablet. Shaving Sticks, 1s., 1s. 6d.; Flat Cakes, 2s. OG ** A if -t > - a. PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. FOR ITCHING, INSECT BITES, FACE SPOTS, wane SUNBURN, &c. FOR TOILET, NURSERY, OILY SKINS, ‘ For acne spots on the face, and particularly for eczema, it is undoubtedly TENDER FEET, &c. efficacious, frequently healing eruptions and removing pimples in a few days. “ Superseding the old toilet powders, which are apt to cause acne spo It relieves itching at once.”— Baby. the face by blocking up the pores of the skin.”—Lady’'s Pictorial, 1s. Od., Ss. Gd., and 6s. per Box. 1s. 9d., 3s. 6d., and 6s. per Box, in Pink, White, and “AMinoliv” AROMATIC. PRESERVATIVE. Dentifrics ANTISEPTIC. REFRESHING. The British and Colonial Druggist says: “ Ito of a very delicately perfumed powder, entirely from the least trace of grittiness or alkalinity. & mouth, the sensation of smoothness and coolne# duced is most grateful.” It contains no salicylic or mineral acids, or bleaching corrosive alkalies. Instead of Soap, which turns the teeth yellow, it is made with the harmless Saponina (South American Soap Bark), which lathers and cleanses beautifully. Le OD ge SAVE ee English, 2s. 6d. American, 1s. 6d. Printed by W Uliam @tuart ot ® Loraine Roed, Holloway, in the Parish of . . b , Ln "Lombard Direct, in the Precinct of Whitedsiar, inthe (Sty &f London, and Published by hiss oh Re. th Phect Slevet, in ube Pusish of Ot Buide, Gity of Laptea’Serwanct, hagust tisk