Punch 1891-08-01: Vol 101 Iss 2612

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THE VOLUME of “PUNCH” ix the Library Series, containing the Nos. for 1889—90, with the Notes and Introductions, will be issued Next Week in a strong Valf-Leather Binding, Price 21s. The Preceding Volumes in this style can also be had pparately. Complete Sets, 1841 to 1890, £26. [PUNCH OFFICE, 8s, FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C. v |» ° m + x » m m v ; im z ° fm w N° VOLUME CI.

AUGUST 1, <a 6 rae a fe 3 1891 a aie A Ms aoagie SPS aL es Po _ . neta eettinn. «a0 ate )

‘ta "PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, LONDON. CADBURY S COCOA ABSOLUTELY PURE THEREFORE BEST. st the General Post Odice as a Newspaper.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—aAvevsr 1, 1891. THE CORNHILL MAGAZINE AUGUST, Weather ' The ite Company Doyle, Author of “ Micah Clarke, eum r to Price Sixpence - Leedon Surra, Bcoea, & Co 5, Waterioe Place. | PATERSON’S 7 BOOKS. Usrren Krvevow—# Mapes, &c., 6s and its 64 Precave axe Waine—4) Mapes and Plans, 4 Beor.ss o—Heotiand, is 64 and ls Edinbargh, le and @@ Trossachs, lb and @¢. GO) ow and Lend of Burns, ie and @¢. Land of Seott, 0 ey ene Shetiand, |+ and 64 Re re o— Cotoured Maps and Pians, ls Rave “Pee vincee—t0 Coloured Maps and Plans, me Levelt’ s Court, Renee And al) Kookseliers THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, 7} Millions Stg. Row, EC., FOR PROTECTION LNIWLSIANI P EDINBURGH, 8 George St. (Head Office) | LONDON, 83 King William Street, E.C. 3 Pall Mall East, 5.W. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street. Branches & A jencies in India & the Colonies. Tue AUSTRALIAN MERCANTILE LOAN AND GUARANTEE COMPANY (Limrren). Capital, £500,000. London Offices— 110, CANNON STREET, E.C. Australian Ofices—STDNEY, BRISBANE, NEW- CASTLE, MELBOURNE, STOCETON, ADELAIDE. LONDON BOARD. Lord H. Utice Brows. J. ¥. Veeny Firzeoenavo, B Joux Howanp, Esq., A.M. Inst.C.E. The Company make ADVANCES upon all descriptions MERCHANDISE = for sale to their branches in Australasia. also act as agents for the investment of British capital in Austra'ia or upon mortgage, and for City Corporation L‘ebentures, re in Lon- don their coupons, interest, and dividends free of exchange In shipping, they are agents for sailing vessels from India and the East, and are also indent agents and consignees for Colonial produce and English manufactures. DEPOSITS RECEIVED. And Interest Allowed. 6 months, S per cent. 12 ” Deposits also a P at 7 and 14 days’ notice of withdrawal at 3, and 4 per cent. respective ly. Drafts and Letters of Credit granted on all the Company’s branches Pvery facility afford 4 to persons connected with the Colonies, and their agencies under- taken Pwesty Veortaste. Per- | oor Harm- Will re- Gass Ste Sik & Werk, ate . enthefaodin y SA stomach p ‘ byall’ he-wists Rend stamp tor pr: FIRST—AND—FOREMOST. SEs 25: BROWN & POLSON'S CORN FLOUR. NOTE. — First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & POLSON in 1856; not till some time afterwards was any other Corn Flour anywhere heard of, and none has now an equal claim to the public confidence. Bona 8t “a EL BROTHERS. SCHOOL OUTFITS. Meers. SAMUEL HROTH ERS have ready | ee eres no noys’ —~ YOUTHS’ CLOTHING em. . will also be pleased send, upon a ~ by Parreaxs of Mereniace for the wear of Gentle- men, Boys, or Ladies, together with Lanogd new I.toersaren Cat Loovr, containing about 0 Engravings This furnishes details of the SAM iy a ~ m various departments, — with Price Lists, &e. BLISS’S Chi: ton Riding and ting | Tweeds, Cheviocts, Serges, &c. A very large assortment of the productions of this eminent firm is “ Brow” Sere always kept in stock. SAMUEL BROTHERS, Merchant Tailor?, Outfitters, &c., 65 & 67, Levoare Hus, LONDON > Workshops: Pilgrim 8t., ‘Ludgate Hill; and #6, Gray's Inn Road. HAVE YOU A BABY? Men, cond Ser 9 ep eee with testimonials and Medical Opinions, of HORLICK’S .M ALTED MILK. A PERFECT FOOD IN ITSELF. 9%, SNOW HILL, LONDON, E.C. BRINSMEAD PIANOS. BRINSMEAD JOHN Ly @ BONS Pianoforte Makers to H.R.M. the 1s, Wigmore Street, W. tablished over half a century MADE WITH BOILING WATER. css ' S CRATEFUL—COMFORTINC. COCOA MADE WITH BOILING MILK. MAPPIN & WEBB’S _ \ SPOONS & FORKS LADIES, WRITE AT ONCE TO HENRY PEASE & CO.’S SUCCESSORS, | THE MILLS, | DARLINGTON, POR PATTERNS OF THEIZ NEW : Dress Fasrics. SENT ry FREE ON APPROVAL ANY ADDRESS. Any Length Cut at Mill Prices. ALL THE LATEST AND MOST FASHIONABLE DBSIGNS. Any article not approved exc’ within Seven Days. All bay = warran’ to be equal to | Sample. Carriage Paid on all Orders to any Kailway Station in Great ritain, and to Dublin, Belfast, Limerick, . Waterford. Lonion Sale Room— 244, REGENT STREET. (Over JEFF'S, the Furriers.) NUDA VERITAS HAIR RESTORER. What will Restore the HAIR OF YOUTH? Nuda Veritas—Naked Truth. For 25 years it pos never failed to ra restore hair, either in. youth OF age. It arrests failing, ere, luxuriant fed perteckiy harm Pees ——— Wholesale me R. HOVENDEN & SONS, oe, | HKerners 5t., ; and 91-05, City Road, B.C. LIEBIG COMPANY'S (as above) in Blue Ink across the Label on each Jar of the Genuine Extract. STREETER & COMP.'S SPECIALITIES. DIAMONDS, white, and modern cut, RUBIES of the pigeon’s blood colour, SAPPHIRES of the true blue colour, PEARLS of the finest lustre, RARE and CURIOUS GEMS, and DI!AMONDS of of all STREETER & COMP., Gem colours. Ex perts, Bond St London DROITWICH, —Close to brine NORBURY HOUSE Comfortable Home in Large (roung Good Table. Lawn Tennis. Hath Om OXFORD.-MITRE H( ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICy FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE Ky LONDON, Eng, FINEST SITUATION EVERY LUXURY us COMFORT. MOST RéCHERCH CUISINE: VERY MODERT yA — e™,. TARIFF, ==) “WHITEHALL COURt RESIDENTIAL FLATS, FACING 1% EMBANKMENT AND WHITEHALL 8.w. These excellent ag fitted with every convenience a Cold Water, Light and pak ¥ Visitors and Servants | operation night and day, and occupy te tion in London, affordi extensive he aves with the Surrey Ms in = and the Embankment Gardens. , +h ~ and centrally situate with 1 the awe gw Clubs, Theatres, &c. The all fini to suit the wishes of incoming T and the Rents include all Rates, Tarn, Supply, ligh Staircases, and Suites may be viewed at any time on « the Superintendent, J. C. Scuurerinu, @ Office on the premises; or to Hasrros & tate Agents, 1, Cockspur_ St. .8 «BO Wee, oS UTTER Store 9 Oe ne ‘ONE PIECE’S ano CUFF BUTTONS. Vabreshatte PATENTED Unbre Sec Actual ® 1 and 28-carat Gold. Skilfully formed from single of gold. Elewance and absolute ity of curve, Slipped imto button ho! nerfect ease. THEY NEVER BR ay Lat Ir eee FROM ANY CAUS ONES GIVEN IN “Exena M To be had of ‘all Seldemiihs and je D WHOLESALE ONLY AUN en 4&4 sue ERO LONO caunpens Souter’ CAUTION, _erchendine Marks Act. 18 Trade om — gee va o hes stud— _ Gunthsped co deste, aid sales the” = Ons BestgSarest DentiFric SOLD BY ALL CHEMIST: AND PERFUMERS,IN ELECANT CRYST, TOILET CASKET price D/6, @LEO IN PATEW RIETALUC BOK@ipe a 4 price] SAMPLE POST BEE 1 TOOTH BLOCK AL Ts not « High and have mucl of g hund over to pr as wisd know High such | love both to wl in th IL.— To woul accot a lik that althe kind hoa! althe | the | higg | them | thele Prin they natic | blam hold: hims

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Avevst 1, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 49 THE PRINCE. 4 Letter from Nicolo Puncio Machiavelli to the Most Illustrious Vittorio Emanuele, Son of Umberto, King of Italy.) I THERE never was, nor is at this day, any man in the world who is not either a Prince or not a Prince. Seeing, therefore, that your Highness appertains of right to the class of them that are Princes and being ambitious to present to your Highness that which shoul have the chiefest value im your eyes, I could not (though pacnine much) deem anything more precious than the knowledge of men and ef governments which I have learned through a space of half a hundred years. Forasmuch as your Highness hath travelled over stormy seas to the island of the British folk, I do presume to present to your Highness, as being one that. seeketh wisdom, the ripe fruit of my knowledge, in order that your Highness may suck thereout such advantage as those who love your land chiefly desire both for yourself and for them to whese government you shall in the future be called. Il.—Hlow a Prince is to gain Reputation. To begin, then, I say it would be advantageous to be accounted both liberal and of a like nature unto other men that are not Princes. For although the majority of man- kind be penurious and apt to hoard their money, and although in their assembly the British make a show of niggardliness, imputing it to themselves for a virtue, never- theless, if they discern in a Prince such inclinations as they praise in themselves, no nation was ever quicker to blame or decry. For each holds in private that while he himself is generous, the rest are mean and covetous. Therefore, I counsel you let your conduct in the bestowal both of snuff-boxes, which no |} man at this day uses, and of | searf-pins, which are a delight to many, be so ordered that | men may think of you as one that with a true generosity performs such acts as each of them, were he a Prince, would perform as well. Likewise if there be those who wish to read unto you addresses of | loyal welcome, it is not well to flout them publicly by showing signs | of sleep ; since it is the fashion of municipalities and Mayors to hold | | themselves to be of high importance, and a wise flattery of this self- deception well becomes you. And in replying, let your speech be | | both short and homely. The present German Emperor came lately | | among this people, and, having spoken aloud of the kindness of his | | Grandmamma, at once the hearts of all of them that are or hope to | be grandmammas, or have themselves possessed a grandmamma, | were moved to him so that he was accounted one of themselves from | that time forth. Again, how honourable it is for a Prince to be outspoken, candid, and truthful, I sup everybody understands. Nevertheless, | experience has shown in our times that those Princes who have not pinned themselves up to that excess of truth-speaking, have not | alone secured the love of their subjects, but have been held up as | patterns of a royal wii and virtue. For in the assemblages of | the great that shall be gathered in your honour, and in the banquets | and wherewith it is customary to overwhelm a Prince, | there must often be those surrounding him, and holding converse | with him, whose absenee would cause him joy rather than sorrow, dulness. Yet it is well at | mek ns Sr nsw Seed ef | both a flattened with tedious ceremony, to k eerful countenance eo great is the number of the foundation-stones he lays; and yet, had he revealed either the one or the other by speech or gesture, they had robbed him before this of his power and reputation. Il].—Of the Wearing of Uniforms. A Prince should have many uniforms, and wear them with much show and glitter. For it is expected of Princes that before they be weaned they should be Colonels, and should rank as Field-Marshals at a time when other lads still trail themselves to school. It is not indeed related of Cesar that he drilled a regiment at the age of six, nor of Hannrpat that being yet a boy he did aught but take an oath. Yet now the custom of the world is otherwise, and a Prince who should never shine in the array of a soldier might justly be held odious and contemptible. That very German Emperor of whom | have spoken, won the applause of the multitude by cuirass and helmet, and having donned a British Admiral’s uniform, was held of —_ my amongst a people apt for the rule of the sea. This honour in truth falls not to all; but others, and yourself among the number, may made Post Captains, and wear a naval dress both with comfort and approbation. IV.—Of Italy. Here in the land to which you have come you shall find all men lovers of Italy. For there is not one of those that watched her long and grievous struggles, that did not welcome with a heartfelt joy her de- liverance, both from foreign yoke and from native tyrants. Here too they know that the example of your illustrious family, the wisdom and mode- ration of your father not less than the unquenchable valour and bodily strength of your ther, his contempt of danger, his devotion to duty, shone forth as a star before the eyes of all Italians, even in their darkest hours. Who . bm h_ Py a the iveliest hope t - perity may be csalenel $0 that beloved country, that she may advance from greatness to greatness, that her kings may be just, her people free and contented. t your illustrious family, then, still e and confidence, that under hon to the nations of the world. deal ot yy ~— address itself to the work with them Italy may stand forth an e QUEER QUERIES.—Qvoration Wantep.—Can anybody inform me where this exquisite line oceurs— “ Heredity, thou mother of our race!” I fancy it must be by Lord Texwysow, but I cannot find it either in In Memoriam or the Idylls of the King. The line has been much admired by competent critics. A beautiful little volume of verse, recently published, is The Fall of Cetewayo. Possibly the line may be in that book.—P.S.—Is not £76 10s. 6d. too high a price to charge for bringing out an Epic Poem of 8000 lines, even if, as is asserted, there have been ‘‘ no sales” ’—LaureaTe PRESUMPTIVE. Merreprrnowanta.—Miss Hannan Lyxcn (Author of George Meredith—a Study) is almost incoherently angry with **the inexcus- able and comical consistency of stupidity ’’ manifested by all those who are * Meredith-men’’—or women. She is, that one suspects her of a ten- 7 ‘ oe ae Wrssecn Wrre.—Liberal Supply. The Brawn of 1891 acknow- b er, 80 tic and disdainful, ths p rev substitute for the judicial verdict of seat, the arbitrary and excessive punishment and a pleasant tongue, as of one to whom life offers a succession of | ledged to be quite beyond competition. the proudest and happiest moments. There is a Prince at this time | in being (but his name I shall conceal), who can often have nothing in his mind but sorrow and depression, so many are his labours and VOL. cl. F “Ory to Masnertaxp.” — Nothing from “Gnaxpotrn the | Explorer” this week. He’s gone to the Diggings.

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50 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 1, 1891,

Rus. Big. That not only RIDING THE PIG. |shall the ** Marseillaise” | Ma. Hearty said he did not deny that after five years of liberal education the present Chief Secretary had greatly - a ae Played roved In reply to Mr. BaLrowr’s inquiry, whether he could count upon Mr. Hgaty’s support in a Local | bY the Frene . ut be ment Bill for Ireland, Mr. Heary replied, “ Certainly !""] performed a our own ’ ands. (Wit @ burst of rage.) Oh, Caviare droski! Sub. (on his knees), | \ would also add an oath, 0 Supreme Protector-of-the- | Spirit-of-my-dead-Grand- mother, had you not |forbidden that extreme | expression of opinion. | us. Big. You recall me to myself, O Son-of-Prrer- son-of-PETER-son-of- | Perer-son-of-Tommy. | | was wrong. But it makes | my blood boil to think that | our Master and his ances- |tors who scorned Louis Puitiprpe and Napo- LEON III. should recognise a Republic ! Sub. (aside). Say you so —this to the Czar—thou Nihilist! (Aloud.) My Lord-the-comforter-of-the- s pirit-of-my-first-cousin- | once - removed- on-my-mo- ther’s-side, is indeed right! It is a painful sight ! Rus. Big. (aside). Say you so—this to the Czar— thou Nihilist! (4/oud.) But perhaps we might improve matters. Supposing that the ** Marseillaise”’ were im- perfectly performed ? Sub. (with note-book), Excellent, my Lord! ex- cellent! It shall be played out of tune on a score of regimental bands! Good, my Lord! good! Rus. Big. And could not a er | be | e suggesting ideas foreign to the original ? Sub. Again capital, my Lord. I will see that the troops have a version that gives the old legend (stolen from us by the English) of ‘* The Song of Sixpence, or a pocketful of Rye-bread,” | as = real oo - us. ig. A happ thought! The ae. , | wholesome. The Mo- narchical principle is advo- cated in the approv

An! Spur, whip, and bridle are all very well, Too good to be true? That time only can show. : Fer a rider’ s equipment includes some ‘Coercion,’ "Tis something that Piggy should promise to ‘“‘ go.” cae pf aan | _ but Je y <i an ack spell, » “- , = . ‘ oon. ome . S nebt I +os i - ~e Poe Your Pig is a “‘ gintleman,””—take him aright ; honey by their Majestios ere are reasons for giving a racer his head, Or so those maintain who best know the ‘cute <a right of - ‘h | And some flocks are driven and others are led. creature. ae ss Improved? Whillaloo! Fancy Heaty the hot tirht. the housemaid while em- | Politely approving of ‘“‘ Batrour the Brutal”! The goad and the snout-ring we ’ve tried. This new Ployed in —— out the How pleasant to picture the Pig at full trot, feature | clothes ! And about the _Without that “hard riding” some fancy must suit A lure in advanee—may be worth being tried. troops—have they been -——— That Piggy can go—and this rider can ride! |warned that they might |some day be expected to ENTHUSIASM A LA RUSSE! thusiastic reception ? ~ B le Pol Petersburg. Present, Russian Bigwig and Subordi ee ee eee ScENE-.1 Bureau de Police at St. Petersburg. resent, Kussian bigwig and Subordinate. | Lord. Andin anticipation Russian Bigwig (reading letter). ‘‘ And they are to be received with the greatest possible enthusiasm!” I/| of « .ch an occasion, they can searcely believe my eyes! ‘The Fleet of the French Republic! have been — for the Subordinate ang a Muscovite imprecation). Caviare droski ! last six months how to y Rus. Big. (severely). Slave! (Sub. eringes.) Another word, and I will have you knouted to death! It is| cheer in a —

the wish of our Little Father, the Czar of the Universe. | Rus. Big. Good! And [They both fall on their knees, remove their hats, and sing the National Hymn. | now to a pleasanter duty. Sub. (bowing to the ground). And what are the Imperial wishes ? Have you those hundred If you make him “eat stick” in excess he’ll show pecking off of the nose of | give a hated alien an en- |

Avet ———S= ee thousal the fro Sub. Rus. Come, Sub. read b chains in the | Rus. In the of mir’ them

THE It wi defence | The met W that t awhile. ing we: the Cor Feeling back a of cha: | depres | Praetic | defence the ni two mz 4th Ch ing a.

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\veust 1, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE L thousand copies of Punch that were yesterday seized at the frontier ? Sub. I have, my Lord! Rus. Big. (with fiendish glee). To Siberia with them! Come, help me to post them ! Sub. (trembling). But, my Lord, should Punch be read by the political prisoners who lie covered with chains in the secret mines under the lowest mountain in the Czar’s dominions’ What then? Rus. Big. (in an awesome whisper). Mark me well! In the present pitiable state of the prisoners, such a feast f mirth-compelling waggery would kill them—yes, kil/ them—with laughter ! ( Exeunt stealthily to put this craftily-conceived plot into guilty execution. A NEW LEADER. ‘At present the followers are obliged to be amiable because r lee is amiable. Under the Leader I suggest they would be less amiable, and would be at liberty to say stronger things.” —Mr. Arkinson, M.P., in the House of Commons.} Chorus of Amiable Tories. Hearn! hear! Mr. A. We are amiable too, For we follow our amiable Leader, like you ; Sut when forced to say, ‘* Bless you! ’’ we choke with our spleen, And we add, sotto voce, ‘‘ You know what I mean.” While we sit spick and span as a picture Wy FRITH, And contend with our feelings, to please Mr. Sura. Oh, we pule and we prate, we are nerveless and weak, And we swallow, like Pistol, the odorous leek. We palter with truth, and we flatter our foes, And we cringe, and we crawl, and are led by the nose. We are fools soft of speech, and without any pith, For we smother our feelings to suit Mr. Sura. Time was when a Member who hated the Celt Might detest him aloud and declare what he felt. He might use the crisp words which, if lacking in length, Make up for their shortness by meaning and strength. | But now we all fawn on the Celt and his kith, | While we smother our feelings to suit Mr. Smirn. | So, friends, we must choose a new Leader, and then, With a Man at our head we shall quit us like men: We shall always retort with a sting when we’re stung, With the bees in our bonnet, the D’s on our tongue. And the words that are honeyed shall fade like a myth, When an Arkrysoy stands in the shoes of a Smrrn. ONDON CHARIVARI. GENUS IRR First Bard. ‘‘Seex wy Sonnets 1s THe Paciric Weexiy?” Second Bard. Second Bard. First Bard. BEASTLY BALLADES AND Ronpets AND Rot in THe LeecnuTnecum THE DECENCY NOT TO 7'ELL You 80!” “Yrs,” First Bard. “Like THem {” ** We_LL—a—caypDILy—I 2 ‘On, IF IT COMES TO THAT, CANDIDLY I ALWAYS HATED your bur I HAD TWO VIEWS OF THE NEXT INVASION. THE OPTIMIST. Tue British Fleet, by a sad mischance, had disappeared. _ It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second line of defence—the Army. The enemy flushed with victory, attempted to land, but were met with such a withering fire from the Volunteer Artillery, that they had to abandon the attempt in despair—at least for awhile. They retired for the night, and on the following morn- ing were in front of Westgate-on-Sea. It was then found how wise the Committee of Home Defence had been in their recommendation. Feeling sure that the forces of the Crown would be ample to beat back any hostile attempt to seize a town the centre of one of the best of charities (St. Michael’s Convalescent Home), the Committee had deprecated the suggestion of erecting extensive fortifications. Practically Westgate was without walls. But there was a better defence than brickwork. The Authorities had not been idle during the night, having utilised the pause in the war to | up two magnificent battalions of Militia—the 7th Rifle Brigade and the 4th Cheshire Regiment. Thus when the enemy suc in effi ing a landing, they found themselves confronted by the very flower of the British Army. In ten minutes the hostile host were crumpled up like a sheet of paper, and disappeared in hot retreat. During the following week the entire army of the foe was allowed to land in England, and were s ily exterminated. The contract given out by Government to an advertising undertaker was the means of making that contractor’s fortune. Within ten days England was absolutely free from invasion. “And are greatest tactician of the century. Surprised!” echoed the other. expected from the first! ”’ ““Why it was what we all you surprised?” asked a journalist, addressing the THE PESSIMIST. a carefully calculated plan, had disappeared. ation had to depend upon its second line of J | The British Fleet, “ | It was then that the N defence—the Army. The enemy, although somewhat oo at the losses they had sustained, attempted to land, and of course were successful. The picked batteries from Woolwich, consisting of the Royal Horse Ar- tilery, opened fire, but without the smallest effect. On the following |morning the main force of the enemy appeared in front of | | Margate, the recently fortified port. It was then found how foolish | the Committee of Home Defence had been in their recommendation. Feeling doubtful of the means the Government would have at their command to defend an unprotected town, they had ordered every village on the coast to be surrounded by the most intricate net wor of bricks and earthworks. And now, in the hour of need, these | elaborate preparations were valueless. .The troops of the enemy poured into Margate almost without opposition. The forts were silenced in five minutes, and although on the following morning the Household Brigade came to the rescue, the assistance thus afforded | was of no avail. During the succeeding week the entire oy of the foe was allowed to land in England, and were immediately victorious. The contract for finding them lodgings in London made somebody's | fortune. Within a week England was grovelling in the dust at the feet of her conquerors. : “And are you surprised?” asked a journalist, addressing the atest tactician of the century. at Surprised!” he echoed why it was what we all expected | from the first!” | New Roopre (wire tar Orv Answen).-Where was Isaacs | when the Balance-Sheet went out ”

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| he knew to be friend] | out with the idea of keeping out of | all that. | made her presence sufficiently evi-

._ - PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Avousr 1, 189], |

THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. No. II. Scexr—Courtyard of the * Grand Hotel du Lion Belgique et| d Albion,” at Brussels. It is just after Table dhite ; Pon- | nury and CULCHARD are sitting on a covered terrace, with copee. Podbury (producing a pipe). Not such a bad dinner! Expect they ‘ll rook us a lot for it, though. Rather fun, seeing the waiters all troop in with a fresh course, when the proprietor rang his bell. Like a ballet at the Empire—eh ? Culchard (selecting a cigarette), I’m not in a position to say. I don't affect those places of entertainment myself, Podb. Oh! Where do you turn in when you want to kick up your heels a bit? Madame Tussaud’s? I say, why on earth didn't you talk to that old bloke next to you at dinner? He was trying all Culch. Was he ? [ disecar. But I rather understood we came Podb. Of course. I’m not keen about getting to know people. He had no end of a pretty daughter, though. Mean to say you didn’t spot her ? Culch. If by ‘“* spotting” you mean—was I aware of the existence of a very exuberant young person, with a most distressing American accent? I can only say that she dent. 1 confess she did not interest me to the point of speculating upon her relationship to anybody else. Podb. Well—if you come to that, I don’t know that I—still, she was uncommonly- Happens to glance round, and lowers his rorce.) Jove! she’s in the Reading-room, just be- hind us. Hums, with elaborate carelessness.) La di deedle-lumpty loodle-oodle-loo Culch. (who detests humming). By the way, I wish you hadn’t been in such a hurry to come straight on. I particularly wanted to stop at Bruges, and see the Memlings. Podb. 1 do like that! Fora fellow who wants to keep out of people’s way! They'd have wanted you to - stay to lunch and dinner, most likely. Culch. (raising his eyebrows). Hardly, my dear fellow — they ’re pictures, as it - oy Podb. (unabashed). Oh, are they ? Any way, you've fetched up your average here. Weren't there enough in the Museum for you ? Culch. (pityingly). You surely wouldn’t call the collection here exactly representative of the best period of Flemish Art ? Podb. If you ask me, I should call it a simply footling show—but you were long enough ever it. (CuLtcuarpD shudders slightly, and presently pats his pockets.) What’s up now’ Nothing gone wrong with the works, eh ? : Culch. (with dignity). No—I was merely feeling for my note- book. I had a sudden idea for a sonnet, that’s all. Podb. Ah, you shouldn’t have touched those mussels they gave us with the sole. Have a nip of this cognac, and you’ll soon be all right. ([Curcmarn scribbles in lofty abstraction ; Poppcry hums ; Mr. Crrvs K. Trorrer, and his daughter, Mavp 8. Trorrer, come out by the glass door of the Salon de Lecture, and seat themselves at an adjorning table. Miss Trotter. Well, I guess it’s gayer out here, anyway.

That Reading Saloon is just about as lively as a burying lot with all the | tombs unlet. I want the address of that man who said that Brussels | was a second Parrus. Mr. Trotter. Maybe we ain’t been long enough off the ears to jedge yet. Do you feel like putting on jour hat and sack, and sorter smellin’ round this capital ? Miss T. Not any. I expect the old city will have to curb its impatience to see me till to-morrow. I’m tired some. Culch. (to himself). Confound it, how can 1——! (Looks up, and style : for a toddle. dropping in quietly at the Eden for an hour or so, eh show and all that going on.

“ Wanted to know if you were my Tutor!” _obserres Miss T. with a sudden attention). That fellow Popprry has better taste than I gave him credit for. She is pretty—in her nite pretty! Pity she speaks with that deplorable accent, | [ Writes —** Vermilion lips that sheathe a parrot tongue,” and | runs over all the possible rhymes to “* tongue.” Podb. (observing that his pencil is idle). Gas cut off again? Come You don’t mean to stick here all the evening, eh’ Culch. Well, we might take a turn later on, and see the effect of | St. Gudule in the moonlight. Podb. Something like a rollick that! But what do a to artety Culch. Thanks—variety shows are not mach in my line; but don’t mind me if you want to go. [Popsury wanders off, leaving Curcnanp free to observe Miss TRoTTER. Miss T. Cuan.ey writes he’s having a lovely time in German going round, I guess he isn’t feeling so cheap as he did. I wi: he’d come along right here. F Mr. T. I presume he’s put in all the time he had for Belgium—likel we'll fetch up against him some- where before he’s through. Miss T. Well, and I don’t care how soon we do, either. CHARLEY’s a bright man, and real cultivated. I’m always telling him that he’s purr- fectly splendid company, considering he’s only a cousin. Mr. T. That’s so every time. I like Cuartery Van Booperer first-rate myself. Culch. (to himself). Tf Cuanter Van BooDELER was engaged to her, I suppose he’d be here. Pshaw! What does it matter? Somehow, I rather wish now that I’d—but perhaps we shall get into conversa- tion presently. Hang it, here’s that fellow Popsury back equa! Wish to goodness he ’d—— (7o Popsvnrr.) Hallo, so you haven't started yet ? Podb. on having a talk with the porter. He says there's a big fair over by the Station du Midi, and it’s worth seeing. Are you cme to come along and sample it, eh Culch. (with an easy eae: i intended for Miss T.’s benefit), No, I think not, thanks. I’m very com- fortable where I am. He resumes his writing. Podb. Well, it’s poor fun having to go alone! (He is just going, when Mr. Trotrer rises and comes towards him. Mr. T. You'll excuse me, Sir; but did I overhear you that there was a festivity in progress in this city ? ; Podb. So I’m told; a rx} oowe in Pre. oe it veaneuall 0 rina. Mr. T. Well, I don’t see how I should ever strike that fair for my- self, and I guess if there ’s anything to be seen we ‘re bound to:see it, s0 me and my darter—allow me to introduce my darter to you--MavD, this gentleman is Mr.—I don’t think 1’ve caught yout name, Sir | aac ?—Mr. Popsury who’s kindly volunteered to conduct round. 64 Miss T. I should have thought you ’d want to leave the gentleman some say in the matter, Father—not to mention me! Podb. (eagerly). But won’t you come?’ Do. I shall be awfully glad if you will! Ton Miss T. lf it makes you so glad as all that, I believe Ill come. Though what you could say different, after Father had cn up 90 steep on you, / don’t know. 1’ll just go and fix myself ‘tae - as Mr. T. (to Popsury). My only darter, Sir, and a real’ good girl. We come over from the States, crossed a month ago to-day, aid a heap already. Been runnin’ all over Scotland and nid, kind of looked round Ireland and Wales, oat ae do is to see as much as we can of Germany and S j It’ly, and get some idea of France before we start home this fall. | | uess we 're both of us gettin’ pretty considerable homesick already. | darter was sayin’ to me on’y this — at table d’ “ Pather,” she sez, ‘the vurry first thing we'll do when we get |

iE B

———— AUGU! —<—— —— home is clams W could gi returns. Miss you rej | umbs @ They g else Culel Americt Podb. little g about y Cule] by he rl Podh. know if Cule} Podb looking were no Culel Podb. ’em kep [Ct THE} after-g] once me that ha people . they we * Ha now by * Here, Inar and the wo have no am aw a )pe veheme “ Bu nothing is ruin handlec his han ~ eloquer * But ing wi mosque I have Petersh art gal greater is the | Wi clenche portma to view Ina hands waistec graphic and hel Ha vo te iat p have be | & quart

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" avoust 1, 1891] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53 home is to go and hev a good square meal of creamed oysters and | when she saw me she always frowned. But ah, my shirts, my heir- lams with buckwheat cakes and maple syrup.” Don’t seem as if we| looms! In the name of mercy, spare my shirts! ” iid git along without maple syrup much longer. (Miss Trorrer| But no, once more the appeal was disregarded. The small port- -eturns.) You never mean going out without your gums ? | Manteau was turned inside out. This the official chalked. Miss T. 1 guess it’s not damp here—any—({7Zo Popsvry.) Now| “So this is one of the habits of the English,” cried the foreigner, vou re going to be Mary, and Father and I have got to be the little | bitterly. lambs and follow you around. “5 | “Not only the habits, Monsieur,” observed a bystander, who They goout, leaving CULCHARD annoyed with himself and everybody | trembling with apprehension, was waiting his turn; ‘‘ but the else, and utterly unable to settle down to his sonnet again. | customs. Customs that are out of date with the age. Customs that ? : a . , | are contrary to the spirit of the century. Customs that cost more wo rig oan peenanen, ey ee ee: | than they yield, and deserve to be cussed!” Culch. —s -_ Podbury). So you’ve got rid of your) i = do,” cried the foreigner, excitedly. ‘‘ May the Customs (Americans at last, eh ¢ —- ae Podb. I was im no hurry, I can tell you. She’s a ripping, ‘You must not utter that word,” interrupted the Revenue Officer ittle girl—tremendous fun. What do you think she asked me! in a tone of remptory command. vt a bi about you ? ** It is British ; why not?” Culch. (stiff, 4 prea I wasn’t aware she had honoured me | But although the forei a baffled in his desire to use the by her notice. at was it? | appropriate imprecation—he thought it ! Podb. Said you had a sort of schoolmaster look, and wanted to | — , “8 know if you were my pape. wy pon , (He roars. | rae — Culch. Tho ou—ah—undeceiv: er? | 9 Podb. Rather! Told her it was tother way round, and I was; » hf MOTH EATEN. woking after you. Said you were suffering from melancholia, but | It is a stifling night ; I sit I’ve thrown so many things at were not absolutely dangerous. | With windows open wide; _ im, Culch. If that’s your idea of a joke, all I can say is—— | And the fragrance of the rose is And thrown them all so hard; He chokes with rage. | blown There goes the sofa-cushion ; that Podb. (innocently). Why, my dear chap, I thought you wanted| And also the musk outside, Missed him by half a yard. ‘em kept out of your way ! | There ’s plenty of room for the My hot tears rain; my young (CcicnarD slams his bedroom door with temper, leaving | moths out there break 8 In the cool and pleasant gloom; _ To see him dodging thus ; And yet these mad insectual beasts It is not right for him to be Will swarm into my room. So coy—so devious, wi / yy Yih , / \ 4 Uy Vf 1 .* MY (4) - Y bP. Popsury outside, still chuckling. — = THE WRONG OF SEARCH. (A Dream of the British Inquisition.) Tur unfortunate foreigner, travel-stained and suffering from the | ifter-glow of a rey , crawled up the gangway and was | more on land. He aaaal in his hand a portmanteau. ‘Have you anything to declare?” asked an official, in a gold- | peaked cap and blue frock coat, y. ‘Only that your seas are terrible,” was the reply. [he official made no answer, but merely pointed to some planks | hat had been placed upon trestles. The foreigner glanced at the people who were standing in front of these ake, and noticed that they were pale with apprehension. ‘Have you anyth ng to declare ?” was a second time uttered— now by a person less gold-laced. Then the official continued, Here, open it! ” Ina moment the portmanteau was thrown with force on the planks, - “> and the foreigner protested. =z “T understand you now. I have no cigars—I do not smoke. I have no spirits—I am what you call a teatotaller. I have no lace—I am a widower.” . Open it!” was once more the cry—this time with great vehemence. ‘ But | am innocent of concealing anything! Believe me, there is nothing to declare! I have some photographic plates—to open them isruin! I prize my shirts—they are heirlooms - if they are roughly handled I can never wear them again.”’ And the foreigner wrung his hands in his despair. “If you will not open it,” replied the official, unmoved by his eloquent appeal, ‘‘ we shall detain your luggage.” ** But this is barbarous—cruel,” continued the foreigner, answer- | ing with excitement. ‘“‘I have been to Constantinople with its | } | | . Yi A —. | ” y Ld y fa a, mosques, and the Turks have treated me with greater consideration. | As | sit by my duplex lamp, Why do they do it? Why—ah! I have seen the glories of Rome with its Forum, the splendours of! And write, and write, and write; why Petersburg with its fortress prison, the treasures of Madrid with its | They come cnd drown in the blue-| The dews of night are damp, art gallery—and everywhere—everywhere I have been treated with ink But the place to dry one’s self is greater kindness, greater charity than here! And yet you say this! Oy, fry themselves in the light. not is the land of the brave and the free! ” They pop, and drop, and flop, and| The chimney of a lamp. _ ‘We say nothing of the sort,” retorted the official; ‘‘ we say, * “hop, And sultriness engenders thirst, open it!” | Like catherine-wheels at play;| But the best, the blue-black rhe foreigner, whose pallor was fearful to see, with his teeth| And die in pain down the back of ink, clenched and his eyes starting from his head, put the key into the my neck Cannot be satisfactory portmanteau lock. turned it, and the contents of the box was revealed| [pn a most repulsive way. Regarded as a drink. 0 View. In a moment the officials were upon it—thrusting their inquisitive | There ’s a brown moth on the | They are so very many, and hands here, there, and everywhere. There was a salad of boots, ceiling. He I am so very few— waistcoats, collars and brushes. At length they came to the photo-| Makes slow and bumpy rounds; | They are so hard to hit, and so graphic plates—they were removed in a trice from their receptacle, Then stops and sucks the white- Elusive to pursue— and held up to the fight. wash off— That in the garden I will wait “Have you no hearts!” cried the foreigner, his face streaming| He must have eaten pounds. _ Until the dawning light, with tears. ‘In a moment you have undone the labour of years! | He’s only waiting for his chanee | U ntil the moths ail go by That plate—now destroyed for ever—when properly developed would | To take me unaware. {make og ONY : , have revealed the smiling features of my wife’s mother! It took me | And then the brute will drop, and| Where I wish they d go by a quarter of a century to catch her with such an expression! For) His death-bed in my hair. night. | }

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LONDON CHARIVARLI. VRP wPEAe Sympathetic Lady Guest. ‘Dox’? BR UNHAPPY ABOUT THE Rain, DEAR Mrs, BounpERSON GARDEN WILL BE LOVELIER THAN EVER!” Little Mrs. Goldmore Bounderson (who is giving her Jirst Garden P. GUESTS FROM ComING '” SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN-—IF POSSIBLE! ee ees IT WILL S00N BE OVER, AND YOUR orty). “Yes; put I’M AFRAID IT WILL KEEP MY MOST DESIRABLE [Aveust 1 189], | ON THE BRIDGE! A Much Modernised Version a ‘‘ The Vision of Mirzah.” Ow the second day of the week, commonly called Saint Monday which according to the Customs of my Forefathers, I always keep as Holiday), after having washed myself, and offered up my Morning Devotions at the shrine of Nicotine, I turned over the pages of Bradshaw, with a view to passing the rest of the day in some more or less Rural Retirement. As I was here confusing myself with the multitudinous Com- plexities of this reeondite Tome, I fell into a profound Contemplation of the Vanity of human Holiday-making; and, passing from one vuzzling page to another, Surely, said I, Man is but a Muddler and ife a Maze! ‘** Right you are!’ sounded a mysterious voice in my ear. The Sound of the voice was exceeding Sweet, and wrought into a variety of inflections. It put me in mind of those heavenly Airs that are played from the tops of closely-packed wheeled Vehicles, from many-keyed Concertinas upon Bank-Holidays. My Heart melted away in Secret Raptures. By which signs I—who had read my Spectator at the Free Library —knew well that I was in the company of a Genius! It is only Genii who drop apon one suddenly and unannounced, with a more or less pertinent commentary upon one’s Inner Thoughts, in this fashion. I felt at once that | was in for the true Addisonian Oriental Apologue in all its hybrid incon- gruity. I drew near with that Reverence which is due to a Superior—if nondeseript -Nature; and as my Heart was entirely subdued by the captivating Voice I had heard, I fell down at his Feet and wept. I could hardly have explained why, but ’tis the sort of thing one always does in an Eastern Apologue. The Genius smiled upon me with a Look of Compassion and Affability that familiarised him to my Imagination, at once dispelled all the Fears and Apprehensions with which I approached him, and turned off my Tearfulness “at | the main,” as Samuel Weller said, concerning the Mulberry One. | He lifted me from the ground, and, taking me by the hand, ‘** Mrezan,” said he, ‘I have heard thee in thy Soliloquies ; follow me!” Now, my name is not Mrezin, but Matrnew. Yet, after all, it did not much matter, and I felt it would be in questionable taste to correct a Genius. He then led me to the highest Pinnacle of a Rock, and, placing me on the Top of it, ‘‘ Cast thy Eyes yonder,” said he, “and tell me what thou seest.” ‘‘I see,” said 1, ‘‘a huge Valley, and a prodigious Roadway runving through it.” ‘The Valley that thou seest,”’ said he, ‘is the Vale of Travel, and the Roadway that thou beholdest is part of the great Railway System.” ‘‘ What is the Reason,” said I, ‘‘ that the Roadway I see rises out of a thick Mist at one End, and again loses itself in a thick Mist at the other ?”’ ‘**Monopoly and Muddle freely engender Mists,’ responded the Genius. Examine now,” said he, ‘the Roadway that is bounded with Darkness at both ends, and tell me what thou discoverest in it.” ‘“‘I see a Bridge,” said I, ‘‘standing in the midst of the Roadway.” ‘‘ Consider it attentively,’’ said he. Upon a more leisurely Survey of it—a Survey which, meseemed, it would have been well had Others made with similar Attentiveness I found that the Arch thereof looked shaky and insecure ; moreover, that a Great and Irregular-shaped Cleft or Crack ran, after the fashion of a Lightning-flash in a Painted Sea-scape, athwart the structure thereof from Keystone toCoping. As I was regarding this unpleasing Portent, the Genius told me that this Bridge was at first of sound and scientific construction, but that the flight of Years, Wear and Tear, vehement Molecular Vibration, and, above all, Negligent Supervision, had resulted in its present Ruinous Condition. ** But tell me further,” said he, ‘‘ what thou discoverest on it.” “*T see,” said I, “if my eyes and the dark Mists and Shadows deceive me not, a Figure couched upon the Parapet of the centre Arch thereof.” As I looked more attentively, I saw that this figure was of a Spectral a nee, and Bony withal ; albeit, its contours were to some extent hidden by its clinging cerement-like ents, and the equally clinging and charnel-like shades surrounding it. iro’ rTTyT wT ‘ryrsvsyyrayTrecy

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Avevusr 1. 1891. vwwevrvvuveVvuv Oe ON THE BRIDGE!

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onl er ar

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ns AUGUST l, 1891.}

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Only an Attent, and, as it were, compla- cently Anticipative Visage, of an osseous and ogreish Aspect, gleamed lividly forth there- from, as the Apparition appeared to Look and Listen Peed. . the Mist at one end of the Bridge for the welcome Sight of Disaster, the much desired Sound of Doom. A shrill ind sibilant Metallic Shriek seemed to cleave the Shadows into which the Spectre gazed ; a Violent Vibratory Pulsation, as of thuddi iron flails threshing upon a resonant stee floor, seemed to beat the Roadway, shake the Bridge, and as it appeared to me to widen the levin-like Cleft or Crack which disfigured the Arch thereof. Then did I quake inwardly and breathe ‘* What, O Genius,” I cried, “ signi- fieth the Spectre, who thus sitteth On the Bridge, what forebodeth the Aspect of eager Anticipation, and for what doth he sogloatingly and expectantly Wait ?” “This,” responded the Genius, gravely, ‘is Insatiate Death waiting for Inevitable Accident!” | gazed with inexpressible melancholy upon the unhappy Scene. Atlength said I, **Show now, | beseech thee, the Secrets that lie hid under those dark Mists which cover the regions to the right which you suggest are the realms of Monopoly and Muddle.” The (Genius making me no Answer, I turned about to address myself to him a Second time, but | found that he had left me. I then turned again to the Vision, but instead of the Roadway, the arched Bridge and the Attent {natomy, I saw nothing but my own parlour, and my wife Mary picking upthe Bradshaw's (‘uide which had fallen from my sleep-relaxed hand. short. meé On that particular Saint Monday I took, not as I had intended, a Railway Excursion to Rural Parts, but, telling Mary—to her manifest concern—that I had Altered m Mind as regarded our Holiday, I betoo myself to the ‘‘ Blue Boar” at the corner, and passed the day in Safety—and Solita Smoking! Next morning, however, I something in the papers which led me to believe that Railwaydom Aroused meant ex- orcising and evicting that Sinister Spectre, ‘regardless of Cost ;” and I shall look for- ward to my next Holiday Outing with a mind Relieved and Reassured. BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE. Tue man who got in at Blackfriars Was smoking the foulest of briars, But it went out all right— Could I give him a light ?— Hadn’t got one—well, all men are liars. I’ve frequently noticed the Temple Is a place there | are not enough This verse somewhat 3 6 blank, And rather dis- How do you pronounce Charing Cross ? It’s a point where I’m quite at a loss. Some people, of course _ Would rhyme it with ' horse,” But I always rhyme it with “* hoss.” 1 at Westminster Bridge ad got just a speck on the ridge A woman H Of her Romanesque nose. . » _ ie ee ee | HER VIOLETS ! | She observed., Then it flew —'twas a| Sue gave them to me when the dance was midge. done, Her eyes all lighted with the ecstasy | Of triumph in the crushing contest won, Of all the joy of girlish vie- tory. She gave them to me as we mounted up, With all the bold effront- = ery that dares }) To face the aged | ones, who've |”) One man from the Park of St. James, Had really the loftiest aims ; In the hat-rack he sat, Used my hair as a mat And when I demurred called me names, | I bought from the stall at Victoria A horrible sixpenny story, a Book of a kind It pained me to find For sale at our English emporia. I found when I got to Sloane Square That my ticket was gone ; my despair Was awful to see, Till at last to my glee I looked in my hat—it was there ! come to sup, <9 And sidles off to alcoves on the || stairs. \ '

[she gave them to ne, but some *ILL-LUMINANTS ! me, but som sprays, “ Sir E. Watkin is about to introduce the re Bibctrie Light on the summit of Snowdon.” - All dyi then,“ Dolly POS | Titers “tes Just started up Snowdon by Sir E. Wat- were laid Krn’s combined Galvano-Electric and Pneu- | To rest within that burning breast of snow ; matic Despatch Line, from Llanberis. Goes| And there the last great debt of all were nearly to top. What a blessing! Saved all | paid. the bother of the mount. Go in tennis-shoes, | She gave them to me, and my heart did beat as I’m told there’s next to no climbing to be| As o’er my hope a greater promise came, And up the narrow way with steps so fleet She went, though id remember’d not her name, one. Splendid day for view. Comfortable car- | sages. ! what’s this? Find myself | suddenly shot into a mountain tarn. Yankee would call it “tarnation cold.” Get | She gave them to me, and I vow'd that they out dripping. Guard of train explains that| Should lie upon my heart till years had fled, ‘battery must be rather too strong this | Till, passing through life’s narrow, thorny way, morning.” ‘Train put on line again. be we! They ’d rest with me when life's own leaves go! Shivers If 1’d known this sort of were dead. thing went on, I’d have brought towels. And thus I spoke, and then we wrote the deed, At Terminus, three-quarters way up, in a| With fervid seal upon the heart’s own slab— | bleak and exposed crag, plastered with adver- | Alas! alas! how memory runs to seed ! |tisements. Day not quite so glorious. Fog! I left her Violets in a beastly cab! | omnlns a. © fe + Seat ~ ht pa asahes what has a Scotch mist to do in Wales? Ask | nen - sameurnanera engine-driver’s opinion. He has none. ‘‘ Then | ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. which is the ig A, ?” Doesn’t know. ‘‘His| Water Suprpiy.—Yes, we have read about way isdown.” Must speak toSir E. W. about | the quantities of poisoned fish floating in the engine-driver. river somewhere near the “intake” of the Ascent continued. Leads down-hill. Curious. | Water Companies, and agree with you that | Sound of dashing waterfall close by. Must| under such circumstances the pretence of see it. Turn round a corner. No waterfall | supplying a drinkable fluid is somewhat of a | at all, only the Electrie-Light-generating | ‘‘take-in.” But surely it is hardly necessary | station ! Noise I heard was the ‘‘ machinery to adopt the extreme sep in motion.” . Query—does an iron shed with | of stationing an expert 1

ames fisherman at charms of wild aay ? More surprises! Find an ‘ Automatic | the pipes. The Companies’ filtering system Delivery’ pillar! Curious sight on a moun-/| may not be worth much, but it ought to be tain. Put a penny in, and you get a small | able to keep out something under the size of book—Guide to Snowdonia. Thanks! But | a whale. what I want is a guide to top. Fog worse Hotmay Travettre. — You “ than ever. Believe I’ve mi my way. lrecent disclosures about Railway Bridges Five hours later.—I had. Shoes utterly | have made you nervous. The plan of per- worn out. Awfully tired. Hit on top by/|sonally inspecting every bridge mere accident. Resting in new hotel. Scrump- | will pass over on P end way to tious, but dear. Don’t care! Electric Light. | an excellent one, i What system? Waiter says “ Brush.” | Possibly also, a Railway Ma Must be ‘air-brush up here, I fancy! Any- | agree to put a specially light engine oye how no good in a fog. shall suggest fog-| train. As you say you ere gong to ea horn to Sir E. Warr for thick weather. | couple of tourist tickets, third class, it would | Also guides waiting at C Terminus. | probably pay him well to make any little | Bottle of beer. Divine! View? None, and | alteration of that kind. |don’t want any. More beer. Electric Light Iupecuniosiry.— We cannot help you. better than I thought. Electricity is life. Reading the Riot Act and then assaulti | Electricity is also beer. More beer, please! them with a poker is not the best way « | Waiter asks “if I sleep at top?” Beds getting the Bailiffis out of a house. Try ‘only two guineas a night. Of course 1 do! | gentle persuasion. If you have recently had | «Then shall he wake me for sunrise ?” He'd | better not. Goo’ night! Sowdn — mean | | Snowdn—great sksess. land is

might mention the fact to them, and see what they say. acase of black typhus in the house, you |

you contemplate, | that | our train | ‘ou have time for it. | nager might |

|

Sinaey as out factory smoke, add to|the side of your cistern night and day, in | | order to catch any fish that may come through |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Aveusr 1, 1891. & wp i // ’ 7’ Wy Gy A If a 4 WY) 4 y ke Y neces AZ i ws } a" Ahi > LADIES i, \ Ws 4 8 fi | As OTHE Vouse, biz sg Ke a ‘G\ a \t | . yi Nu - We “Tene nt ES , CIA, ! = \4 bhak it in Coming Co FP Nene fees _ Lees IN THE HOUSE. THE SUCCESS OF THE SEASON. At TH ye fuln Brot: shou on 1 anki on ¥¢ suppt req ue Ke it! | you ¥ latior strair as ¢t Russ: En

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Avousr 1, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 59 ——— THE RULE OF THREE. | , Posstnte SCENE OF THE FUTURE. ) Prax or Action. — Somethere conveniently situated for all parties. The King, the Kaiser, id the Emperor, diecovered scussing the Treaty that has now been in force for some years. Kaiser (with assumed cheer- Well, my dear Brothers, it is really time you should do something. It is not n my own account that I am inxious, but on yours—purely m yours. King (dryly). Certainly ! Emperor (with a smile). No doubt! Pray proceed. Kaiser (addressing Italy). Well, my dear friend, as I am ifraid we are on the eve of a contest with France, I must beg of you to place three Army Corps upon your Alpine frontiers. King (with assumed surprise). Why should I do this ” ft will be most inconvenient ! Kaiser. Why, to carry out the provisions of the Treaty. Emperor inter posing . Your pardon, that stipulation was suppressed at King HtmpeErt’s request, Kaiser (annoyed), Oh, was Then, my friend, perhaps you will be so good (as my re- lations with the Czar are strained almost to breaking), as to station troops on the Russian frontier beyond Cracow. Emperor (with improvised fulness). "a FANCY PORTRAIT. Lin ZB THE LAST ENIGHT OF THE SEASON. Six Aveustus Druriotanuvs Covent-Garpenius Harris, C.C.C. | astonishment). Why should I |do this? It will be most in- cee | raiser. y, to carry out the provisions of the Treaty. King (int ing). Your par- don; that stipulation was sup- ae at the request of the | Emperor of Ausrria. aiser. Oh, was it? (Losing his temper.) Then I consider the whole affair as gross a swindle as—— | Emperor (interrupting). Nay Sire, remember your birth an position! It isa ing an- noyance, but it should not move one Remember, you are a Ho- enzollern! Let me offer you a cigarette. | Kaiser (calming down). Well, verhaps I had better be quiet. t is more dignified. King (helping himself to the Emperor's cigarette-case), Let a = you. aiser. But I say, what use is the Treaty to either of us ? | Emperor (with a smile). Pro- | perly treated, it is of service to | us all. (Lights it, and offers | | it to his two partners). \t will | |serve as a spill for our cigar- \ettes! [Scene closes in upon the Treaty ending in smoke. | Well done, Dear! We ‘ve levelled farms, we've planted trees, And many mighty men of means Have shot at deer, and, if you lease, A Dear has shot and won the Queen’s ! ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, July 20.—* Man and boy I’ve sat in this House for seven years,” said WHITTAKER ELLIs, as he reposed behind Ministers diffusing a sense of aldermanic res an appreciable area of space; ‘* never have I seen Iri Lorp LrevTenant has his out a word of comment, and Curer Secretary will, through in this style. ctability over Estimates got voted with- believe, zet his in a couple of hours. Have known the time when it wasn’t done in a couple of nights.” Strange indeed the scene ; not thirty Members present whilst the Aldermanic Respectability. Woluminous Wezp goes all the way back to the Tippe- rary riots in search of text for dreary observations ; then fearsome speeches by Fiyxyw and P. J. Power. Some fillip to proceedings when JorRDAN rolls in. JorpaN is Member of Parliament for Clare, as he once or twice incidentally remarked. Evidently mue imp by distinction. House laughs at reiterated claim. The billows of Jor- dan rise; had no personal | objection to Prince ARTHUR, | he said, but ‘‘ as Member on Parliament for Clare” had to complain of him in his - official capacity. What had he done ? "Fie has given | Clare such a resident Ma-| gistrate as Ceci Rocue, | Chief Secretary. Prince Arruuk, when a low tyrannical man, who'he rises, is careful not to int | ordered a low policeman to seize me—me, Member of Parliament for Clare.” | Jonpaw glared round on laughing House ; « uite incomprehensible what they should be guffawing at. Marvel increased when he introduced Father GrLLikaN on the scene, ‘* What had happened to Father Git- LIKAN ?” JonpaN roared, fixing a blood- shot eye on AsHMEAD-BAkTLETT, who had just dropped in on Treasury Bench. as y; Father Giturkan had been sent to prison for a speech delivered in the middle of the River Shannon.” House shouted with laughter; began ain when Phan ig oe ayo! that Father ILLIKAN, e n making a speech in the middle of the River Shan- non at the moment of his arrest, was primarily in a boat. Even that didn’t mend matters, and JorDaN, giving up attempt to understand ill-timed hilarity of House, dried up. Later, Tr Hearty turned up, Tru TRUCULENT no more. Where was the excited crowd he was wont to address in Sessions of not very long ago—the jeering Ministerialists, the applauding Liberals, the enthusiastic band of united Irishmen, with PARNELL sitting vid in their midst, he only quiet amid the turbulent ng?’ Now the House more than half empty ; the audience irresponsive ; Prince ARTHUR sitting solitary on Treasury Bench with head bowed to hide the blushes pang — pees his > - at hearing Trm extol his improvement since, in 1887, he tried his prentice hand as “ Member of Parliament uce a for Clare.”

Page 14

PUNCH, 60 OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — [Aveusr 1, 189], ; says, listened with interest to the | able speech of the Hon. and learned Gentleman, the Member for North Longford. There must be a division for decency’s sake ; but only 150 Members turn up, and no one would have been greatly surprised if Prince ARTHUR on Tra Hearty had walked off arm in arm into the same He has, he discordant note. ] lobby ‘Shade of me de parte d frind, Josern Griiis,” said Lavon, wearily rising to go division, ** what forth to the lye think of us, suppose this night you chance to be looking down from whatever answers with you to the Strangers’ Gallery, where you used to yourself after being betake = nded ,” Jusiness done. Irish Votes in Committee of Supply. Tuesday. The alliance, offensive and defensive, estab- lished between the two Houses of Legislature by Lord Dewn- maw and Mr. Arkryson been temporarily blighted by ma- chinations of the enemy. Denman, the other night, wanted to move for return showing how many times he had been in attendance. House said it didn’t! particularly care to know. DenMAN insisted ; then the Marxiss, as usual, appeared on the scene, and moved that Denymaw shouldn't be | heard for remainder of sitting. Denman, never at loss in Parlia-| mentary stratery, wanted to move that the Marxkrss’s motien should | be put from Chair on that day ten months. But Lorp CHaNncELior, we f known to be in league with the Marx1ss, promptly put question. | tefore Denman knew where he was (a not unfamiliar access of haziness) Motion put, declared to be carried, and he condemned to sit silent for rest of evening. Same tacties, slightly varied, carried on to effacement of other | wing of allied forees. Atk iNSON wanted to put question to Jokr™ about his Coinage Bill. Took some pains in framing it ; handed it in at table; next day question appeared on paper shorn of its oratorical excellencies. ‘* How is this ?”’ says ATkrNson, addressing the SPEAKER. ** Question full of errors,”” SpeAKER explained. “Will the Right Hon. Gentleman kindly state them?” said Arxrnson. folding his arms, and looking triumphantly round the House. Had the Speaker now. He would go into particulars. Sure to leave opening for master of argumentative tactics; ATKIN- son would dart in and pink him amid applause of Senate. Public business might be delayed, but what of that? House liked intel- lectual treat. SpeakER, however, not so unwary as he looked. Took no notice! of ATKINSON's inquiry ; went on to next business. ATKINSON wrote to Clerks for explanation. No reply ; so to-day gives notice of Vote of Censure on Sreaker and Clerks. ‘* Sorry to be driven to this course, dear Tory,” he said, when I ventured to remonstrate with him on his remorseless career ; ‘* have the greatest respect for the Speaker; shrink from depriving the Clerks at table of means of livelihood. But an mele must be made. Effect not confined to walls of this Chamber. My Motion of Censure on the Sreaker will strike terror to the House of Lords, and go long way to deliver my noble friend Denman from thraldom under which a too sensitive nature lies bound hand and foot. The House need apprehend no inconvenience to the course of public business. Last night, in response to a bait artfully thrown out by Mr. Trwormy Heaty, I felt it my duty to rise in my place and announce that nothing would induce me to take office under the Crown. personal responsibility, and when, in consequence of my Motion of Censure, he withdraws into private life, J will take the Chair.” Business done.—In Committee of Supply. ; Lalor’s Lament. ’ jof duty; put aside | ron’s obliging disposition ; talked for | should reach ear of Home Secretary ; concluded by asking question; | not been able to catch the drift of the Hon. Gentleman’s remarks. | | generally *‘ Fifty Years Syne” with To-day, says :— But in the matter of the Speaker, I shall recognise my | say so. Accordingly smiled on Tix with pitying air of | superiority. ‘‘ Couldn’t understand what the Lords meant by their Amendment? Well, well; surprised at such confession from one of TrM’s acuteness.”’ Prince AnTuvr all the while turning over Amendment ; at length | ob- IRELAND to interposed. ‘The Hon. and learned Gentleman opposite,” he Det served, “asks for an explanation of this Amendment ; frankly | MOREL | tell him I cannot give it. I don’t understand it myself, and as it would be undesirable to include in the 210 é Act a provision that might lead to 18 4 controversy, we will strike it out.” , ** And thus are our laws made!” Whisky Be said Suiress WItts, throwing out his ee hands in astonishment. Tt Certainly a narrow escape. It was after this that Keayr’s patent-leather boots glistened on the floor of House as he walked up to take seat below KING Gangway. Determined to make up CED for lost time ; led astray in all direc- CHARCE tions; SPEAKER called him to order Prevents with increasing sternness ; HENNIKER © Hraton asked if he might move that Mixes ¢ for rest of Session he be no longer rns heard; Speaker evidently sorely Sagas: tempted; here was a short sure way SUPPLIED out of the difficulty. Faltered a moment, then rose heroically to sense proposal, and Sszple nen JOHAN Keay went = again for 7 a ZOI our. “‘A long rigmarole,” Joxim called the speech. This not Parlia- £1. mentary, but no one objected. Business done.—Land Purchase Bill \ E | got ready for Royal Assent. FINE Friday.—Nothing can exceed Mor- T. W. Srare half an hour just now on subject of fortune-telling. Members can’t pre- vent ALpHEvs CLeopHas from making speeches, but they needn’t listen; so “ Thus are our Laws made!” kept up lively conversation whilst ALpnevs talked to CLeormas. When he sat down, it appeared he had desired that his remarks MATTHEWs unwarily protested, that, owing to noise in House, he had | ** Oh, very well,” said Atpuevs Cieopnas, “*I’ll repeat them.” **No! no!” Matrnews almost shrieked. ‘“*No trouble at all,” said Atpuevs CreopHas, and he set of again, making his speech once more. Business done.—Very little. FOR THE BENEFIT OF ZOILUS. SHAKSPEARE speaks of “‘the maiden virtue of the Crown.” And the word *‘ maiden” bears, in certain constructions, the meanings, “fresh, new, youthful, &c.” But when Mr. Punch, comparing ind le. per box Peppermint “Then Hex Maszstry, a Maiden Queen, iresh graced the Throne,” “A SEPTUAGENARIAN” acidly objects, and twits Mr. Punch with premature failure of memory. ‘Aha! I know that man!” says Mr. P. Mr. Punch, of course, merely meant that about fifty years ago Her Masesty was a very youthful Sovereign. Moreover, the comparison made between ‘* Then and Now” was not intended to be confined rigorously to ‘* July 17, 1841,” as is shown in the previous stanza, which says :— “Then Tom Hoop could sing that Song which moved a world to tears,” | meaning “ The Song of the Shirt,” which, as explained in a foot-| note, was not published until 1843. Had Mr. Punch written) with the fear of Zortvs before his eyes, he might have appended another foot-note, to explain—for the benefit of Zor.vs—that he did | not mean to convey the idea that Her Masyesty was unmarried when he first made his a ce. Whereto the reply of the Public—all but | ZorLus —would probably have been, ‘* Whoever supposed you did?” Thursday.— Haven't seen Seymour Keay lately. Re in House is, “that he has been close and iatevested ‘attondent on}, “ss os 2 Millic CATHCART case. Rumour receives some confirmation from circum- Taew You’, Rewemper Me!”— the names of thow 18 Milioy stance that to-day, CarmcarT ease concluded, Keay suddenly turns | who, within the last ten years, have done good work for Mr. Punch up full of spirits and valuable information. Subject (Land Purchase | ought to have appeared that of Mr. Savitz CiaRKE, whose cri Bill beck Lords) particularly attractive to him, since it is| c#ur from foreign shores has reached Mr. P.’s cars Aft bristling with obscurities. Onee, when a Lords Amendment sub- | Mr. P.’s heart. mitted, Tim Hraty asked what it meant. Mappey sprang up with 6 reassuring alacrity and said a few words, apparently of e ion.| L’Exreytre Cornrare.—A portion of the French Fleet is soon to TRE QE Didn't clear up anything; Tr insisted on wanting to know, you | be entertained on English shores. The first of these vessels sizhted know: Mappen nervously read and reread Amendment; éouldn’t|as it approaches will be sufficient evidence of their French ship = make head or tale of it, but wouldn’t do for Arrorney-Gryerat for | towards us. or — — — A tp NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returved, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

Page 15

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL— = LILY OF THE VALLEY = PERFUME ig “TOILET SOAP "seid tel Wighcioes tome” os . class Jerfurmers. asd GUSTAW LONSE. Strut —— 2 Million Bottles filled im 1878. 18 Milion » 189.

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tho Teste aoe rth Lb 4 com) on and extracts rom eweet herbs and phaiis Of all Gunntnens Perfumers thre waghe put the worse. &. 6d. per botti PLOBILINE TOOTH POWDER czly Put up in giass jars. Price ls Prepared only by fhe Anglo-American Drug Company, Limited, 33, Parringden Road, London, EC.

-8/GEROLSTEIN THE CHAMPAGNE OF NATURAL MINERAL WATERS PURE SPARKLING. DELICIOUS GEROLSTEIN RSs Mee ao a” eat Natural Mineral Water, ag A with its own Natural at

Bupplied all a * Theatrea and all Spiers & Ponds’ Restaurants. Sreowecs Recowxrnorn by the Moser Ew , Mewerns of the Meorcat Proression as the FINEST NATURAL MINERAL WATER KNOWN lGs. for GO Pints; 2s. for 50 Quarts. GRPROLSTEIN CO.,, 1%, CHEAPSIDE, E.C GOUT CURED IN SIX_DAys, immediate PA System of Cure, by hi NRY T LAIT Aa the Suc conatul Svest- ment of Gout and Mhéamatiom. Cocar Jor yt: “Mr. Lait) alm ts to eradicate the di = svetren rewroving the cause, and this is ost effectually done by bis ‘treatin “at

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Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avovsr 1, 1891. PURE ICE; oy . | ab MADE IN THREE MINUTES) | “CHAMPION” HAND ICE-MAKING MACHINE. GREAT IMPROVEMENTS ast added, by which the output is nearly doubied 18 ABSOLUTELY RELIABLE Will Cool Wines and Water, make Ice Cream, and Block Ice, & fend for List F7 From Sole Licensees, The PULSOMETER ENGINEERING Coy., Ld, SINE ELMS IRON WORKS, LONDON, 8.W Machines shown in operation al 63, Gucen Victoria Street LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. The Original and Genuine ‘‘ Worcestershire Sauce. ’’ Yor HOT and COLD , MEATS, _ GRAVIES, > ¢ SALADS, a kin ae Were a capital couple the Moon and I, I polish, the Earth, she brightens the sky: And we both (declare, ashalf the world knows, Fhough acapital couple , we WONT WASH CL SULPHOLINE The World’s most Marvellous Cleanser and Polisher. Makes Tin like | Silver, Copper like Gold, Paint like New, Brass Ware like Mirrors, —_. LOTI O N Spotless Earthenware, Crockery like Marble, Marble White. SEB CURE FOS SOLD BY GROCERS, IRONMONGERS, AND CHEMISTS ERUPTIONS, BLOTCHES, ECZEMA, ACNE DISFIGUREMENTS MAKES THE SKIN CLEAR, SMOOTH, 4d. a Large Bar. SUPPLE, HPALTHY ———i = “Ainolia Soa. PUREST. SAFEST. BEST. NO SODA OR POTASH. CONTAINS NO SUGAR, METHYLATED SPIRITS, OR ROSIN. “An Ideal Soap.”—Chemist and Druggist, “ Odour Delicate.”—Lancet, “Of Unquestionable Excellence.”—Drit, Med. Jounal. “ Lathers Freely.”—Queen, Floral, ¢d.; Balsamic (Medical), 8d.; Otto Toilet, /0d.; and Vestal, 2s. GJ. per tablet. Shaving Sticks, /s., Js. 6d.; Flat Oakes, Pe Printed by W Uliam Stuart Smith, of No , Loraine Read, Holloway. in the Parish of os, Many, Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Uifics of Mosers. Bradbary, Agnew, @ Co., Limited, Lumbaré Street, in Precinct of W hitefriars, in the City of London, Pub. by him at Keo. Ss, Pieet Ouest, in the Factsb of Ot. be » Cay of Londoa.—Satvavsr, August 1, WL. ae. ee te, eet) Dit! OF ar ‘>. aS... hOUM OC!