Punch 1891-07-25: Vol 101 Iss 2611

Page 1

ys PUN C H’S “‘ The Hundred Best Books—Punch’s Half-Yearly Volumes from the commencement.” —Puncu. MR. THE 100th HALF-YEARLY VOLUME is xow published, price 8s. 6d., 100 Complete Sets of the Volumes in this style can be had, in Brown Cloth uniform, The SPECIAL PRICE of the Sets in Yearly Volumes to 1890 is £29, and of the Double Yearly Volumes, strongly half-bound, £26. (PUNCH OFFICE, 8s, FLEET STREET.

ean he had Evervwhere. of «“PTINCH ” BONSd SBSAYHL FBO0lUd > « w > wW a) w =z r) J a a] a in a LOU ALS be YO) Yo a, ee PC VOL) ei ST FENEON SS) | oe NIIMRER Xi wi i ay! ee | H xc a JUBILEE i ent yl}

. Ve 2 - Ted ° ‘ 4 TG | a a i if “PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, eed 14 1A RAY ‘SS LONDON. dn.

The A pollinaris ims

——s

Page 2

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jutx 25, 1891.

PATERSON’S | UIDE BOOKS. © Krvovew—# Maps, &c., t+ and ite 64 ome ane Waree—4f Mapes and Pians, j Paéinbargh, le Roor.an ®—Seotiand, ts. 64. and ie ana 64 Trossachs, \¢. and 6¢. Glasgow and Land of Pern * and Land of Seott, @ Ortney and Shetland, |+ and 44 . . olowred Mape and Plane |+ ! . ve eloured Mapes end Plans 6, Levell’s Court Paternoster Row, £.C CAUTION. | “THE THREE CASTLES” TOBACCO. In the Chancery Divistes va! Nor - Gomze S Jue tien of W & against M. L -7ae # -_ of y, Tobacconists, Mr Justice North, of March, 199, granted « SS straining the Defendants frem oWering for sale . g tobacco not of the mesufacture or rcha cof W. D420. W sos and “ The ¢ Onustios” Tobaces. The Defendants we » i to pay the costs of the action n sequence of fr went imitations of Mesers wpnaéai Will THREE CASTLES TORA that firm give this public notice, that any person sellin Tobaceo under the title of fuk TURER CASTLES” except that mans factu ys Mears W. DD. 2H. O ILLA, will be | pre Jed against MCKENNA & 00 & 18, Rasinghall Street, Ls méaon Ec rMeers W. D. 4H. 0. WILIA | SAMUEL BROTHERS. | ey SCHOOL OUTFITS.

Meers SAMUETI BROTH ERS have ready for immediate use a very laree Assortment , BOYS’ and YOUTHS SLOT RIxO They wil aie pleased t send, wu plication omens f ee for the wear of Gentle. men, Boys r Ladies, | together with thetr new I ' Leevr, containing abe ot Engravings This | furnishes details of the | various departments, with Price Lists, &c BLIS8'8 catenins Nor. ton Riding and Suiting Tweeds, Cheviots, | Homespuns, Berges, &c A very large assortment of the productions of thie eminent firm always kept im stock SAMUEL BROTHERS, “ " r Dupeetens &e ® ON. F Workshops Pilgrim Bt Ladgate Eill and 6, Gray's Inn Road | GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR. lovely nuance “Chaétain Poneto” ted to Hair of any colour by using ARIN nly by W. WINTER, @ Oxlerd 80, London Price be. 6d, We. Gd. Tie. For tinting grey or faded Mair ARINE is invaluable ‘ONE PIECE’ Studs ano CUFF BUTTO Unbreakable PATENTED Gabreskable

can 3

ty | terms. | j Skilfully formed from single plate of gold | bievance and absolute uniformity of cur and so od into betton hole with perfect case | : THEY NEVER BREAK, but | IF DAMAGED FROM ANY CAUSE NEW OwfS GIVEN IN EXCHANCER. To be had of all Goldeomiths and Jeweiicrs, | AXND WHOLESALE ONLY SAUROERS & SHEPHERO LONDON, N ensees amd (ons v— fark As

— Merchant | . < tioned aAyeinst vam) « | ene ang | pe tere ene old as the Une Niece.

LOHSE’S MAIGLOCKCHEN = LILY OF THE VALLEY = cine

CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST.

AWARDED PRIZE MEDALS AT ALL EXHIBITIONS. Daity Consumption, 50 Tons. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE.

"| BENZINE COLLAS —For ARTISTS. A SPRCIALLY GOOD MEDIUM for Painting on Silk, Satin, Gause, Lincruste, Wood Glass, Tapestry, Cards, leather, &c, ae | BENZINE COLLAS.—Ask for “ Collas.” | CLEANS GLOVES. CLEANS DRESSES REMOVES TAR, OIL, PAINT, GREASE PROM FURNITURE, CLOTH, BENZINE COLLAS.—For ARTISTS. A SPECIALLY GOOD MEDIUM for Painting @ HEAVIEST POSSIBLE PL ATING.” , Canvas, ase ros MAPPIN & WEBB’S PRINCE’S PLATE. Reop.) on Silk, Satin, Gauze, Lincrusta, Wood, Canvas. Giass, Tapestry, Cards, Leather, &e -» ae | BENZINE COLLAS —Try “ Colas.” soo Se vine d COL a on Re Lae and Cap. ra refin hear a On using becoming quite odourless. BENZINE COLLAS.—Ask for “ Collas ” reparation, and take no other Sold everywhere, éd., ls, and Is. 6d Agents: J. Saxorn & Sons, 40, Oxford “HIGHEST ATTAINABLE QUALITY.”

r Rottle treet, W “UNEQUALLE!! FruM HARD WEAR.”

arning, THE IMITATIONS OF “VINOLIA” SOAP ARE EVERY ONE OF THEM ALKALINE, STATEMENTS TO THE CONTRARY NOTWITHSTANDING,

“WHITEHALL COURT.” RESIDENTIAL FLATS, FACING THAMES EMBANKMENT AND WHITEHALL PLACE,

COLT'’S NEW UNITED STATES NAVY REVOLVER for House Protection, Travellers, and for Military Purposes, takes Eley's 38 eal. Express and all other %& cal Pistol Cartridges. COLT'S LICHTNING MACAZINE RIFLES, For Large and Small Game, Keok shooting, and Target Practice, are unsurpassed for accuracy and unequalled for rapidity of fire COLT’S REVOLVERS carried off all the highest Prizes at Bisley, Edin burgh, and Dublin in }o ree List free COLTS 26, Glasshouse St., L. Plocadilly Girews, ‘London, W. | i sw. These excellent “ - ¥ Atted with every modern convenience, ¢g., Hot and Cold Water, Electric Light and Bef operation nignt and day, and oecup position in ia the finest ve views of the River (with the Surrey Hills in the distance and the —— Gardens. ey are also most conveniently and centrally situate with respect to the prined: Clubs, Theatres, &c. The rooms are all finished to suit the wishes of incoming Tenants, and the Rents include all Rates, Tax Water Supply, lighting and heating of the Ce wetdens and | Staircases, and the services of all the Porters. The Suites may be viewed at any time on application to the Superintendent, J. C. Susmuearieto, at the Office on the premises; or to Hamrronw & Sows, Estate Agents, Hoe Cox kop St. (late Waterico —— a STREETER & COMP. $ SPEOIALITIES. D!AMONDS, white, and _modern cut, RUBIES of the pigeon’s blood colour, SAPPHIRES of the true blue colour, PEARLS of the finest lustre, f

D'AMONDS of all colours. STREETER & COMP., Gem Experts, Bond St, London. ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDoy DROITWICH, —Close to Brine Bath, NORBURY HOUSE. Comfortable Home in Large Grounds Good Table Lawn Tennis. Bath Chain (GERMAN EXHIBITION.

Hon. President His Highness the Duke of SAX E-COBURG-GOTH, Director General— cone ©. R. WHITLEY, Bu GERMANY ‘IN I LONDON. German Works of Hy, -*— evere im England the The Queen, of the German fm pA a merry EXHIBITION, 75 The Band of the 105th noes 4 Infantry negues The Hungarian wrian Boyy’ Band. The Toni Eder Troupe of Tyrolese Singer.

Visitors’ and Servants’ Lifts in |

Realistic wane | of the Rhine, atactherg, Poe } uremberg, Munich, &c. Magnificent lllumination of the Gardens in the Evening by Pain & Sons. “ GERMANIA,” at 330 and 830 p.m., in the Arg | (German Military Life), Episodes the Mulitay | and Civil History of the German Empire, combaag | elaborate scenic effeets with realistic incide nts, (oud ancient times to the present day For particulars concerning admissions, &c., Lendon Daily Papers. “Brearoa || Hotes MerRopou OW OPEN Recepti ; = Visto Lance. CALLARD & BOWSER'S BUTTER-SCOTCH. GEROLSTEI THE CHAMPAGNE OF | NATURAL MINERAL WATE! PURE. SPARKLING. DELICIOUS GEROLSTEI is the Most Errravescent of any Natural Mi Water, being charged solely with its | Natural Gas. Supplied at all the Theatre and all Spiers & Ponds’ Restaurants, Srnexety Recowwexpen by the Moser Pe Mrwnrns of the Mepicat Pacresston as the PIN NATURAL MINERAL WATER KNO@ l¢s. for 60 Pints; Zis. for 60 Quarts. GEROLSTEIN ©O., 153, CUEAPSIDE, Ee ;ROWLANDS | KALYDOR | Cools, soothes, and refreshes the face } and hands in hot weather, remove Freekles, Tan, Sunburn, Redness and toughness, soothes and heals Insects’ Stings, Irritation; #e., | FAIR SKIN |

and a levely delicate complexion Warranted harmless and free from leaden = Bottles, 2s. 3d. 4s. Gd. Sold everywhere.

OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL

JuLY

Tuese It lac k should daughte / PA bi E\, Amone so long t Aida in : Little played ; celebrat strong ii sound,” the usu Reliable as Amp bygone And 7) short st margina powerfu more ap name. Imperial when th liant per Limited His wicl the Lyce LANUSA

met ec ric LANTUS ne

Page 3

PUNCH, 95 25, LY 1891.] OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

37

Ju

OPERATIC NOTES. Tuesday, July 14.—Madame Norpica is not at her best as Aida. | It lacks colour—that is on the face and: hands, where at least ild be shown some more “ colourable pretence” for being the ghter of so blackened a character as is her father Amonasro, shi dau a Ar. \ {monasro (the Black King). “T am your father. ng that I’ve become quite black!” 4ida (the White Maiden). “Oh! go away, black man; don’t come anigh me!! You ought to be Otello to-morrow night.” Little Ravelli-Radames (aside). “No matter what colour, I love her!!" played as a villain of the deepest dye by M. Drvorop. When the celebrated march was heard, the players didn’t seem particularly strong in trumps, and the trumpets giving a somewhat *‘ uncertain sound,” —a trifle husky, as if they ’d caught cold,—somewhat marred the usually thrilling effect. orgeous scene; and Raveti the teliable as Radames quite the success of the evening. Mlle. GuERcta as Amneris seemed to have made up after an old steel plate ina bygone Book of Beauty. Where are those Books of Beauty now! And The Keepsake? Where the pseudo-Byronic poetry and the short stories by Mrs. Nampy and Mr. Pamsy? But this is only a marginal note, not in the Operatic score. Signor ABRAMOFF was a powerful Ramphis, his make-up suggesting that his title would be more appropriately Rumfiz,—which would be an excellent Egyptian name. Very good House, but still suffering from reaction after Imperial visit, and not to recover itself till to-morrow, Wednesday, when the House is crowded with a brilliant audience to hear a bril- liant performance of Otello. The Grand Otello Co. Covent Garden, Limited. Thoroughly artistic performance of Iago by M. Mavret. His wicked ‘* Credo” more diabolically malicious than ever it was at the Lyceum ; an uncanny but distinctly striking effect. Then Drvrro LANUS ASTRONOMICUS gave us a scenic startler in the way of imitation ve kept myself dark Covent Garden Stars seen through the Harriscope. meteoric effect. ’Twas on this wise: ef course, neither Duvrio- LANUS nor any other Manager ean carry on an operatic season without VOL. Cl. E stars, and so they are here, a galaxy of ’em, up above, on the “* back cloth,” as it is technically ‘termed, shining brilliantly but spasmo- | dieally, strange portents in the operatic sky. Pity Astronomer- Royal not here to see and note the fact. Next time Otello is given, | if this atmospheric effect is to be repeated, the attendants in the | lobbies might be permitted to supply powerful telescopes at a small | fixed charge. But the greatest star of all is Madame ALBANI as Desdemona ; a triumph dramatically and operatically. Her song in the last Act, the celebrated ‘‘ Willow Song’’—which of course no | cricketer ought to miss hearing—was most beautifully and touch- ingly rendered. Those persons suffering from the heat of a crowded house, and dreading the difficulty of finding their ‘‘keb or ker- ridge” in good time, and who therefore quitted their seats before ALBANI sang the ‘* Willow Song,’’ must, perforce, sing the old re- frain, ‘‘O Willow, we have missed you!” and go back for it when- ever this Opera is played again. M. Jean pr Reszkf was not, perhaps, quite up to his usual form, or his usual former self ; but, for all that, | | he justified his responsibility as one of the largest shareholders in the | | Grand Otello Company, Limited. All things considered, and the last | best thing being invariably quite the best, Otello, or Symphonies in Black and White, is about the biggest success of the season. TO AMANDA. (Accompanying a Set of Verses which She bade me write. ) OnLy a trifle, though, i’ faith, ’tis smart, A jeu d’ esprit, not art concealing art, Fruition of a moment’s fantasy, Mere mental bubbles, verbal filagree. 7 sank “It entre a Na "5 <_» = But, though thy lightest wish I would not thwart, I prithee bid me play some other part Another time, and I will give thee cart Blanche to dictate ; in truth aught els Only a trifle, vared with versifying. I will dart, At th r behest, e’en to the public mart To buy a bonnet, or will gleefully Carry a babe through Bond Street. My sole plea no more verses, Surely ’tis, sweetheart, Only a trifle. will be Com Is SurrpLementTary axp Cornective.—In his Jubilee Number Mr Puncu remarked, *‘ Merely to mention a// the bright pens and pencils which have occasionally contributed to my pages would | ceeupy much space.” And space then was limited. But among the “Great Unnamed” should assuredly have been mentioned W. H. WI1Ls, one of the originators of Mr. Puncn’s publication, CLEMENT Scort the flowing lyrist, and author of ‘‘ The Cry of the Children,” &c.. Asupy Sterny of ‘‘ Lazy Minstrel” fame, and ‘* Rosert,”’ the genial garrulous “ City Waiter,” whilst the names of J. P. (** Dumb- Crambo’’) ATkrnson, and E. J. WHEELER, were omitted by the purest accident. The late H. J. Brnow contributed a series of papers. Mr. Puncu hastens to put them—as he would gladly some others—*‘ on the list,” since, of no one of them, could it be truly said “* he never would be missed.” *“‘ Harbor” was a misprint for “* Hanir,” “* Maauin Hannay” should read * Macrsy, Hawway, &e.,” and for “ Gzoncz” Stiver” read ** Henny,”

Page 4

_—_—— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Jury 25, 1891. | v, 1 some me mbers 0 THE METROPOLITAN MINOTAUR; On, THe Lowpon LABYRINTH AND THE Cousty Counci, THESEUS. of the London County Council hav a scheme of water-sup] e their way, it will soon have ily for the “Metropolis. "— The Times.) lenty to oecupy it without being called upon to form eee 7 a} ._~ TT LWT yoo > Bess me ! shoes combine so a hero to humble! I fancied that Bull-headed Minotaur—BuMBLE, Would fall to my hand like pay s monster To Theseus. But oh! ever that I on stir Bemuddles me more. I di myself clever, But fear from the Centre 1’m one than ever, Oh, this is a Labyrinth ! Worse than the Cretan ! admi Yet shall the new Theseus mF: ag =. =p. sil) =: ) i i /] Uy) L. C. C. loquitur :-— Forbid it, great Progress! Your votery J 1, Ma’am, But in this Big Maze it seems small uso (0 , Ma’am. Progress. a and Pi d nor’ ward, sou’ and nor Saloarieme Eh? Centralisation ? , Maladministration. meneht ‘the fair tower-crowned Maiden. Se eostn Most willingly, M : but look how I’m laden, A fanci on The par And 1 To pu The bi salt | The 4ul | Pleasan abr But x | With | Collisior Bri THE Débats the thie from t

Page 5

Jury 25, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. By THe 6°5 r.M. | WATERLOO "TO WEYBRIDGE. | Gb, 4 SY" A youne man—it’s no matter who— | | x F —_ a cab and remarked ‘* Water- | Yh The driver, with bowed Head, sobbed out aloud, “Which station?” They frequently do, A poet once said that to Esher | been discovered. | should ‘‘ fit the crime,” as Mr. Git- | NorHING REALLY GooD EVER GOES DOWN WITH IT | BERT’s Mikado used Tom (who has sold every Picture he has painted). ‘‘On, Bosh AND GAMMON, MY DEAR FeRLLow! The only good rhyme was nesher ;” This was not the fact, And he had to retract, Which he did—he retracted with plesher. “ee mag- A fancier cried: ‘* There ’s one fault on The part of the sparrows at Walton; And that’s why I fail To om salt on their tail— The birds have no tails salt on, to put The dulness of riding to Weybridge Pleasant chat (mind the accent) may abridge, But not when it deals With detaching of wheels, Collisions, explosions, and Tay Bridge, Tae Sroren Pictures. — The | Débats informed us, last week, that the thief who stole Tenrers’ pictures | from the Museum at Rennes has His punishment to say, and rs {z (dee bs / sr) nt, THE PERSONAL EQUATION. Dick (who hasn't sold a single Picture this year). ‘‘AND As FOR THE BEASTLY Barish Pupwic, NOTHING BUT VULGAK Ror!” therefore he ought to be sentenced | Goop Honest WoRK 18 ALWAYS SURE OF ITS MARKET—AND ITs Parics/” | to penal servitude for Jen years. [Next year their luck will be reversed, and also their opinions of the B, P. And hampered! Oh! I should be grateful to you, Ma’am, If, like Ariadne, you ’d give me a clue, Ma’am. I'll never—like treacherous Theseus—desert you ; My constancy ’s staunch, like my valour and virtue. Through Fire, Water, Wilderness trackless I’ll follow, But astray in a Maze high ambition seems hollow ! | that the ultimate saving would be enormous, and that the health of the town must be benefited. They don’t like the business at all, and feel they ’ve made a mistake. Have been made on successive nights a Druid,’a ,Forester, and a — and Ancient Shepherd. All these three are Benefit Societies an similar. Colonel the mysteries of initiation into each are ay CHORKLE (who ought to have gone through the business long “ge | was made a Druid with me. I never saw anybody so nervous. i the courage of all the CuHorKLEs seemed to have deserted him, and he trembled like a Volunteer aspen. I told Major Wornoys on the LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. Wednesday, June 11th.—Left Bilsbury last Saturday, having in During my last night’s round we went into a small house in one of the slums. The husband was out, but the wife and family were all gathered together in the back room. ‘There were five children, ranging in age from ten down to two, and the mother looked the — picture of slatternly discomfort. and | was just turning to go, when I heard a violent fit of convulsive coughing from a dark corner. The mother got up and went to the corner. I couldn’t help following, and saw the most miserable spectacle I ever set eyes on. In a sort of cradle was lying the smallest, frailest and most absolutely pinched and colourless baby choking with every cough, and gasping horribly for breath. I don’t know what I said, but the mother turned to Dries and said, ** He haven't much longer to cough. I shall want the undertakers for him soon.” I asked her if nothing could be done, but she merely re ied, It’ll be better so. We’ve too many mouths to feed without him.’ [ couldn’t stay longer after that, but fairly bolted out of the house. Our people are jubilant about our pects. e canvas shows, they say, a steady increase in our ) amg the registrations have been uniformly good, and, best of all, Sir Taomas Cuvsson again voted and spoke on the wrong side, when the Billsbury Main Drainage Bi | came on for Second Reading in the House the other day. Our point is of course that, if this scheme were carried out, there would be a great deal of work for Billsb labourers, and, somehow or other, a large amount of money would be spent in the town. We have rubbed this well in at every meeting we have held lately, and found it a most effective point during the canvas. CuvBson and the Radicals talk about a great increase of the rates which would follow on it; but we pooh-pooh this, and point out Dicky Drxes’s words “ broken the back of the blooming canvas.” | We asked the usual questions, | following day that his Colonel, who I was sure might be trusted to face a hostile battery without flinching, had been very nervous when he was made a Druid. Worsors sneered, and said that he'd be willing to take his chance of CuorK e’s facing the battery or not, if CHORKLE would only learn to ride decently. ** Give you my word of honour,” said Woxsoys, ‘‘ when the General inspected us last year CuorkLe’s horse ran away with him three times, and at last we had to march past without him. One of the tamest horses in the world, too. My boy Jack rides it constantly.” But Wonrnoyrs despises CuorkKLE, and thinks he ought to command the regiment himself. He spr ead it all over Billsbury that CoorkLe was found hiding under a table when he was summoned to be initiated, and was dragged out screaming piteously for mercy. k On m t morning | was interviewed by a deputation from the Billsbury Branch of The Women’s Suffrage teagee, The depu- tation consisted of Mrs. Boser, the President of the Branch, Miss Amy Givcet, the Secretary, and two others. It was a trying business. Mrs. Boser is the most formidable person I ever met. I felt like a babe in her hands after she: had glowered at me for five minutes. Finally I found myself, rather to = own astonish- ment, promising to vote for a Women’s Suffrage Bill, and adding that urs. Boser’s arguments had convinced me that justice had in this matter been too long denied to women, and that for my part, if elected, I should lose no opportunity of recording my vote on the side of women. They seemed pleased, but the Meteor of the next day had a frightful leader about the ‘“ shameful want of moral fibre in a Conservative Candidate who was thus content to put the whole Constitution into the melting-pot, if by so doing he could only secure a few stray votes, and get the help of the women in his coal-and-blanket expeditions.’””

Page 6

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Juny 25, 1891. THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. No, L Scexe—An Excursion Agent's Offices. Behind the counters polite and patient Clerks are besieged by a crowd of Intending Tourists, all asking questions at once. First Int. T. Here—have you made out that estimate for me yet ? Clerk. In one moment, Sir. (He refers to a list, turns over in- numerable books, jots down columns of franes, marks, and florins ; reduces them to English money, and adds themup.) First class fares m the Rhine, Danube and Black Sea steamers, I think you said, second class rail, and postwagen / First Int. T. I did say so, I believe; but it had better be second class all through, and I can always pay the difference if I want to. The Clerk alters the sums accordingly, and adds up again. Clerk, Fifty-five pounds fourteen and a penny, Sir. Shall I make you out the tickets now ” Firet Int. T. Um, no. On second thoughts, I'd like to see one of rows, short Circular Tours for the English Lakes, or Wales, before I decide. The Clerk hands him a quantity of leaflets, with which he retires. Enter Mr. Cuanexpon Cuicnarp, age about twenty-eight ; in Somer- set House; tall; clean-shaven, wears glasses, stoops slightly, dresses carefully, though his tall hat ts of the last fashion but taco. He loo about him ezpectantly, and then sits down to wait. Culchard (to himself). No sign of im yet! I do like a man to keep an appontment. If this is the way | he begins—I have my doubts whether he is quite the sort of fellow to—but I took the precaution to ask Hven Rose about him, and Rose said he was the best company in the world, and I couldn’t help getting on with him. I don’t think Rose would deceive me. And from all I’ve seen of Popsury, he seems a pleasant fellow enough. Whata Babel! All these people bent on pleasure, going to seek it in as many directions—with what success no one can predict. There ’s an idea for a sonnet there. | He brings out a pocket-book, and begins to write ‘ds when oe to Clerk e around with An Amurrcan Citizen See here, I’ve been your tickets in Yurrup, and when | was at Vernis, I hough some goods at a store there, and paid cash down | for ’em, and they promised to send ’em on for me right | here, and that was last fall, and I’ve never heard any | more of ’em, and what I want you should do now is to instruct your representative at Vernis to go round and hev | a talk with that man, and ask him what in thunder he means by it, and kinder hint that he’ll hev the Amurr- ean Consul in his hair: pretty smart, if he don’t look slippier ! [The Clerk mildly suggests that it would be better to communicate directly with the American Consulate, or with the tradesman himself. The A. C. But hold on—how’m I goin’ to write to that sharp, when I’ve lost his address, and disremember his name? Can’t you mail a few particulars to your agent, so he'll identify him? No. = Well, | thought you’d ha’ fixed up a little thing like that, anyhow; in my country they’d ha’ done it right away. Yes, Str / He goes away in grieved surprise. Enter Mr. James Poppvry, age twenty- siz; in a City Office; short, fresh-coloured, jaunty ; close-cut fair hair, and small auburn moustache. Not having been to the City to-day, he is wearing light tweeds, and brown boots. Podbury (to himself), Just nicked it!—{looks at clock)—more or | less, And he doesn’t seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall hit it off together. Huenre Rose said n€ Was a capital good | Save and managed to come before, because they close early here we ore I wanted to go thoroughly over the tour I sketched out getting the tickets. { He produces an elaborate outline. Podbury (easily). Oh, that’s all vight ! 1 don’t care where J go! All I want is, to see as much as we can in the time—leave all the rest to you. Ill sit here while you get the tickets. An Old Lady (to Clerk, as CuLcuARn is waiting at the counter), Oh, I beg your pardon, but cou/d you inform me if the 1°55 train from Calais to Basle stops long enough for refreshments anywhere, and when they examine the luggage, and if I can leave my hand- bag in the carriage, and whether there is an English service at Yodeldorf, and is it held in the hotel, and Evangelical, or High Church, and are the sittings free, and what Hymn-book they use ¢ (The Clerk sets her mind free on as many of these points as he can, and then attends to CULCHARD. : Culchard (returning to Popsury with two cases bulging with books of coloured coupons). Here are yours. J should like you to run your eye over them, and see that they are correct, if you don’t mind. Podbury (stuffing them in his pocket). Can't be bothered now. Take your word for it. P Culchard. No—but considering that we start the first thing to- morrow morning, wouldn’t it be as well to have some idea of where | you’re goi And, by the way, excuse me, but is it altogether pru- dent to keep your tickets in an outside pocket like that? I always keep mine, with my money, in a special case in an inner pocket, with a buttoned flap—then I know I can’t lose them. Podbury. Anything for a quiet life! (He examines his coupons. Dover to Ostend? Never been there like to see what Ostend’s like. But why didn’t you go by Calais * shorter, you know. Culchard. Because I thought we'd see Bruges and Ghent on our way to Brussels. Podbury. Bruges, eh ? Anything particular going on there’ No? It don’t matter. And Ghent —let’s see, wasn’t that where they brought the good news to? Yes, we ll stop at Ghent—if we ’ve time. Then—Brussels ? Good deal of work to be done there, I suppose, sight- seeing, and that? I like a place where you can moon about without being bothered myself; now, at Brussels—never mind, I was only thinking. Culch. It’s the best place to get to Cologne and up the Rhine from. Then, you see, we go rather out of our way to Nuremberg —— Podbury. Where they make toys’ I know—pretty festive there, eh ? Culch. I don’t know about festive —but it is—er—a quaint, and highly interesting old place. Then I thought we’d dip down to Con- , Capital ! 1 4 U “~~ { _ 4 stance, and strike across the Alps to the Italian Lakes. — Podbury. Italian Lakes? First-rate! Yes, they're worth seeing, I suppose. Think they re better than the Stciss ones, though ? Culch. (tolerantly). I can land, if you prefer it. picturesque. ‘ ’ Podbury. Yes, well do Switzerland—and run back by Paris, eh ’ Not much to do in Switzerland, though, after all! Culch. (with a faintly superior smile). There are one or two moun- tains, I believe. But, personally, I should prefer Italy. Podbury. So should I. No fun in mountains—unless you go up ‘em. What do you think of choosing some quiet place, where nobody ever goes—say in France or Germany—and, sticking to that. More of a rest, wouldn’t it be? such a bore having to know a lot of Lee) le! Cubh. I don’t see how we can change all the tickets, really. If et the cou = changed for Switzer- e Swiss akes may be the more chap—when you once got over his manner. Anyhow, it’s a great | you like, we could stop a week at St. Goarshausen. tip to go abroad with a fellow who knows the ropes. (Suddenly sees| Podbury. What's St. Goarshausen like—cheery ? CULCHARD absorbed in his note-book.) So here you are, eh ? Culch. si understood. the idea was to keep away from our fellow _Culchard slightly scandalised by the tweeds and the brown boots). | countrymen, and as faf.as I can remember St. Goarshausen, it is not | Yes, been here some little time. I wish you could have | overrun with tourists—we should be quiet enough there. _ —————————EE

Page 7

Jury 25, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 41 —-- Podbury. That’s the place for me, then. Or could we push on to Vienna?’ Never seen Vienna, Culch. If you like to give up Italy altogether. Podbury. What do you say to beginning with Italy and,working hack? .Too hot, eh ? Well, then, we ’ll let things be as they are—I daresay it will do well enough. So that’s settled | Culchard (to himself on parting, after final arrangements con- cluded). 1 wish Rose had warned me that Popsvry’s habit of mind was so painfully desultory. (He sighs.) However—— Podbury (to himself). Wonder how long I shall take to get over CuLtcHARD’s manner. (He sighs.) I wish old Huenre was coming he'd give me a leg over ! ' He walks on thoughtfully. OFF TO MASHERLAND. (By Our Own Grandoiph. ) I PAUSE in my communications. Friends, real friends, have wired over accounts of me on the trip, which have not been written b ‘ friendlies.” Somebody wrote to Black and White what purpo to be Notes about me aboard the gallant Grantully Castle, which a better-found yessel—‘‘ found” is the vue never put to “Put out the light, and then-——” ed sea. This somebody hp bless him ! what I mean) observes that “‘he didn’t notice” an gratitude on my part towards Captain Hay and his talented assist- ants. Hay! what? why, confound them, I was all titude ! it because I did not run at him, embrace him, and shake his arms off, that therefore I did not feel grateful! I was awfully grateful. ’ I felt inelined to alter the name of the vessel to the Gratefully | Castle. always call a vessel ‘‘ she’ —isn’t that nautical ?) ‘‘ is” But “she” (you ’ as the song says ‘‘another’s, | » and never can be mine!” so I can’t change her name. | Vi Being the true story of The Wonderful Lamp. Dn-uu-nD W-Lrr will know | that he “‘ had never particular | that moment I was just finishing the tail (a sweet morsel and not the Is h | This, Sir, is the true tale of th | the revised version from m —_——— jeerer enigger in his sleeve—but I repeat emphatically I have a great mind to come back. ‘* He will return, I know him well,”’ my traducers may sing; and I shall return when I consider my special work specially done in my own special manner, and be blowed to em all, the detractors! i He grumbles because I had a special portable light all to myself “when I wanted to play cards.” Aha! do we see the cloven hoo now? Was I to play cards in the dark? Those who know me best know that I am all fair and above-board, and no hole-and-corner gambling for me. And what tale has he to tell? Why that * Another night, not using his special light at the time, two other passen began a game of chess under its rays.”"” Which they had no right whatever to do. But I winked at it, and when the first officer was bq his rounds I winked at them; but this friendly act on my part they did not heed, and consequently to save them Srom being put in irons and confined in the the Grant Castle moat, | ‘* came along just then,” as he reports, “and removed the a to another part of the deck, leaving the chess-players in the dark’ —as if this consequence were anything ex- traordinary when a lamp is removed! Why any schoolboy, the merest | tyro in Scripture History, knows where the great Hebrew Lawgiver was when the candle went out. And were these rs to be exempt from the action of Nature’s site’ leer! Bah!— | ** without aword of apology or tion.” I had winked, but they were worse than b ungeon beneath horses, and more | resembled the inferior quadruped in obstinately refusing | to move, or in subsequently acknowledging this act of thoughtful kindness on my . As to my eating for breakfast a flying-fish, which somebody on board had caught and given me, all | ask is, why shouldn’t I? I never had eaten a flying-fish before, and I don’t think 1 ever shall again. {f the gentleman who caught it didn’t want me to eat it, he should have said so: for there were three courses open to him ; viz., first, to refuse to give it me; secondly, to give it me on condition that I f it in memory of the oceasion; thirdly, to throw it k into the sea. But | there was only one course o; f. } n to me when | got it, and that was the first course at breakfast ; the second course was kidgeree. It was a small fish just enough for one, and now I rather fancy I remember this Black and W hite correspondent, for it must have been he, coming to my table, eyeing the fish, smacking his ape and observing hind the chance of tasting a friec flying-fish.” At worst part by any means), and there was nothing left toofferhim. So e went away disappointed, with a grudge against yours truly. | e flying-fish, and FI it isn’t, let me hear y aspersers and caluminators. I can write no more to-day. 1am boiling over, and must go and kick somebody. | eg 7 Yoandobhhe hi Caplowr. HANWELLIAN PRIZE COMPETITION. was overpowered b my feel- | ings—and what does that | mean but the swallowing, | Conditions, 1. Entrance fee, to defray cost of postage, &c., two guineas. with a gurgle in the throat, of the silent tear, and the avoidance of the topic upper- most in one’s mind at the moment. “The soldier leant upon his sword, and wi away a tear’’—but the sailor didn’t, Verb. sap. What did I do? Why, in my note of notes, my Private Diary, I made this mem., “Make Hay while the sun shines.” a | ask any unprejudi person, what does this mean? If Captain Hay were suddenly wp to be promoted in the hay- day of his valuable career to be an Admiral, would he s t that he owed this elevation to the man who, strictly obeying the ship's orders, never even spoke to the man at the wheel? Now to come to the ext point. This correspondent girds at my having had a special cabin anda special steward. had been as specially unwell as I was—but there, I own I lose | patience with him—didn’t I go out as.a “Special,” and if a Special | doesn’t have ore ing special about him, he is simply obtaining | money under false pretences. I’ve a great mind’ Y \ Grandolph confiding to the Chef his secret receipt for cooking a flying-fish. Why! the envious grumbler! if he | hear the | the week. 2. All communications to be written illegibly, and on both sides of the paper only—not on the edges. 3. The Committee do not bind themselves to accept the lowest or any tender; or to start at the time advertised in the Company's tables; or to be in any way responsible for their own actions. 4. Competitors will be prosecuted. 5. A prize of one shilling will be awarded to all competitors who fail ; the winners will be able to make their way in life without prizes. 6. Human beings and others are not eligible for this competition. Subject to the above conditions, it is requested that puzzles or questions may be forwarded to the following solutions :— First Solution.—Twenty-eight, if before March 17th ; one hundred and forty-six, if after that date. Second Solution.—Put six pigs in the first stye; then go back and | fetch the fox from the other side of the river, returning with the remaining cockatrice. Then put yourself in the second stye, never come out any more, and subtract. Third Solution.—Positive, Regret; Comparative, Regatta ; Super- lative, tescat in pace. Fourth Solution.—Countesses ; because the sun (son) never setsthere. | “ifth Solution.—Cut along dotted line to point a. Then fold back, and cross to point c, keeping mark B on the left. Stop, if you can, before getting to remark ». Bad language never does any good. Sizth Solution.—This is a mere catch, and only suitable for quite 0 children. Of course, it is obvious that the elephant could not cn en on the outside, because there never are two Mondays in | Hush! the Bogie Man. Zit.

Page 8

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 25, 1891. | RATHER LATE ! Tur ForTuNe-TELLER 's come! “O8, GRANDPAPA DEAR, SUCH FUN , NY eat : ye 7 IN THE DAY, PERHAPS! Do COME AND HAVE YouR Fortune ToLp!” JEAMES’S SUMMARY. Or. Le Monde ou Ton s' ennwie. Now that the pageantry and the social stir voked by the presence of the Imperial guests are er, there are few whe will care to prolong the dreary and disappointing existence either of the Season or of the Session.”— Zhe Times.) Jea mes li rquit ur: Ya-Aa-A-W! Yes, young man, you ’ve ’it it there, penny-a -liner as you may be, And knowing, probably, no more about hus than a coster’ s baby ; But dull it ’as been, and no kid, too, and disappinting ; Is it this Sosherlistic disjinting, The Hinfluenza, or Hard Times, them Hirish, or wotever is it? I couldn’t ‘ave ’eld on at all, I’m sure, but | for the Hemp’ nor’s visit. | Ya-a-a-w ! ’Ang it, ’ow I’ve got the gapes! Bri us a quencher, you young Buttons ! end dreary, rot Society is so} And mind it’s cool, and with a’ed! Hour | family is reg ‘lar gluttons For ‘‘Soshal Stir.” The guv’nor, he’s a) rising Tory M.P., he is, And Missis all the Season through as busy as a bloomin’ bee is, A gathering Fashion's _honey up from every hopening flower. That's natty. I ’ave a turn for poetry; you’re quite right there, my pretty Parry. ‘ow that gal admires these carves! But that’s “ irrevelant,”’ as the sayin’ is ; Lor! | Master and Missis both complain ’ow dull ‘and slow the game they ‘re playin’ is. The Session? Yah! Give me the days, the | dear old days of darling Dizzy! With him and GLADSTONE on the job a chap} could say * * Now we are busy. But Surrn’s aslug, "Arcovurt’s ahum, and LapBy makes a chap go squirmish. Dull as ditchwater the whole thing. longs e en for a Hirish skirmish ; But Parwet’s fo par, and his spite, ‘ave knocked the sparkle out of Pappy. No; Bay --y' sa Leg Sr fraud, flabby | d ooty, flat and he Season ’s similar. Seema ' ? Bah? By sech a name it ain’t worth calli | Shoulders like these and carves like those | was not quite made for pantry-sprawling ; But wot’s the use?’ Trot myself hout or | *Ebrews, or some tuppenny kernel ? No, not for JRames, if he is quite aweer of it! It’s just infernal, The Ay ix that calls itself Societ il shoddy A 1 | | And pote he “Fhe end ” as might kon-| tamernate a Ryal ’I gness, Orinfry-dig a Hemperor. It won’tnick Jzames | though, not percisely ; (self unwisely. | Better to flop in solitude than to demean one’s | Won't ketch me selling myself off. I must confess my ‘art it ‘arrers To see the Strorberry- Leaves go cheap—like strorberries on low coster’s barrers ! | Tuppence apound! Yes, that’s thee It’s cheapness, that Rad fad, that ’s done it. Prime 4. KO. pF to be scarce and dear, pick d kept in the punnet. The same with ail chice things I ’old, whether *tis footmen’s carves or But fools forget that good a rab ta’ in this yer One queerest of all queer ages. | tation. | Trade bad, things in the City tight, no Court worth’ mentioning, queer scandals, Socierty inwaded by a lot of jumped-up Goths and Wandals ; Swell-matches few, gurls’ chances poor, late Spring, and lots o” sloppy weather, With that there Hinfluenza—wich perhaps is wus than all together— Ail over the dashed sho When was a Season sech a sell as this is ? Wot wonder that it aggeravates us all, per- tikler Me and Missis ? Ah! But for our “‘ Himperial Guests” the Times’ young man names with sech feel- ing I don’ t ‘know wot I should ’ ave done. A dismal dulness seems a-steali Afore its time o’er everythink ; an Guests ’s gone wot reason, As the 7imes sez, for trying to perlong the Session or Ae Season ? Ya-a-a-w! I shall gape my ’ed off ’ere. The Row’s a bore, the Ouse a fetter. And now the Hemp’ ror’s slung ’ is ook, the sooner we are horf the better ! now Our A Lvusvs Natcor#.—A paragraph in the P.M. G., the other day, was hee ‘A Lion Loose inaCircus.” Bad enough. But astill more extraordinary incident would have been A Lion “ tight” in a Circus. Mr. CHacycr _Dsrew, the well - known American raconteur, and wit, is or his way 1 "england. His visit is on business; probably to head a Depew- | | Jr

Page 9

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —JuLty 25, 1891. JEAMES’S SUMMARY. Jeames, “DULL SESSION !—DULL SEASON !—THINGS BAD IN THE CITY!—HINFLUENZA ALL HOVER THE SHOP; AND, NOW THE HEMP’ROR’S GONE, THE SOONER WE’RE HORF THE BETTER!!” ——

Page 10

| \| Sear SE Sorh soe Ee ae

Page 11

Juut 25, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A NEW ELECTION “LAY.” On, young Mrs. Brayp has gone down to the East! To give the Electors a musical feast, And save her fine treble she weapons has none ; Yet she means with that voice that the seat shall be won. So good at a lay, at a ballad so grand, NE S There never was dame like the young Mrs. Branp ! “7 = \]] boldly she ’s entered the Cambridgeshire halls, oy. ’Mid the squires, and the parsons, the farmers, and thralls! R IT S

Said Duncan, the foeman, ‘* My friends, on my word, Of a stranger proceeding i never have heard. | don’t wish to be rude, but I can’t understand What you mean by this singing, oh young Mrs. Braxv!”) BAR Hh ‘* You need not suspect me,” the lady replied ; ‘T care not how flows the electoral tide, I merely have come down to Wisbech to-day To sing a few stanzas, trill one little lay. I am tired of long speeches, Home-Rule I can’t stand, But I do enjoy singing ’’—quoth young Mrs. Brann. So lovely her voice, so ne 2 grace, Such a treat—or such treating—did never take place. While the Primrose Dames fretted, the Unionists fumed, She merely the thread of her roundel resumed : And the Duncanites whispered—** ’Tis most underhand! We must send for a songstress to match Mrs. Branp.”’ A change in her theme! She has altered the bar To Kathleen Mavourneen, and Erin-go-bragh ! Spell-bound stand the rustics ; she’s won the whole throng! To the lady they ’ve given their votes ** for a song.” ‘*’ Twill be ours, will the seat—’ tis the plot I have planned! Oh, Music hath charms!”’—exclaimed young Mrs. Bran». bp There is mourning mid folk of theJWire-pulling Clan ; m Agents, Managers, Chairmen, are wild to a man, For the Cambridgeshire precedent means that their calling | 7 pamed i oo exe nal ualling ! seal “JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT.” ** Free teaching” has come, and ** Free Music”’’s at hand; ' , Which we outs the courage of young Mrs. Branp. (As sung sweetly by a Publie-House- Baritone. ) ;

. | Man’s immunities of time or place ? SMOKED OFF! The yo yoy sed | tn _— roy re -y- oo . n et, an et indeed It ts no joke. sly to some e nagr oO 4 Tue ‘‘ knife-board,” sacred once to broad Where shail one get a smoke . tions? ‘To carry out this idea, I jot down a male feet, | Without annoying Shes with our che-| few questions to be put to a School-Board The “* Happy Garden Seat,” roots, scholar before the granting of the customary And being badged as *‘ brutes”’ ? certificates :— If a poor fellow may not snatch a whiff | 1, Describe the formation of a Regiment, (Without the feminine sniff) _ and explain its position and duties in brigade. Upon the “Bus-roof,” where in thun-| 2, What are the duties of a Special Con- der’s name | stable ? Shall he draw that same! | 3. How would you set about putting yy The ladies, climb, sit, suffocate, and | horses into a fire-engine ? f scoll, 4. Describe the process of resuscitating Declare they are “‘ smoked off,” a person apparently drowned. How would Is there no room inside? If smoke| you revive a person rendered insensible by means Hades : 1) cold, (2) by sunstroke. We, “ to oblige the ladies,” 5. Give simple remedies to be applied at Have taken outside seats this many 4 once in case of bites by a mad dog, acci- year, — . dental poisoning by arsenic, and swallowing Cold, but with weeds to cheer of spurious coin. Our macintosh-enswathed umbrella’d| 6, How would you set, (1) a leg, (2) an bodies ; , arm, (3) a broken finger?’ If a man is run \ Now we are called churl-noddies _ over by a Hansom, what should you do? AN \\y Because we puff the humble briar-| Describe an excellent substitute for a litter, ¥ scholar could supply satisfactory answers to the above questions, I would not grudge my = , Foot. | when you can obtain nothing better. ' i; = J = ,, Is man indeed a “brute” __ _ |. 7. State shortly what you consider your ~ Because he may upon the knife-board’s duty would be, (1) were the country invaded, _—-] 7 rack owe |(2) were London in the hands of the mob, if | so it be, then man’s last, only chance, | and decimated by the plague. WA Is in the full advance There, Mr. Punch, if every School-Board 4 elves, Invaded now by the non-smoking sex, } Pray learn to smoke yourselves ! Slee le te Ean. peut’ tak “ rhe em anathemas assail. and sniff, nid wit —-- = cae — —_ ! and what avail But—join us in a whiff ! | INE WHO 18 SCHOOL-BORED. tT Th rm Ws in | L ay solace to Tobacco ? 3) were your neighbourhood visited by fire, iM 7 $a RMA i Of the “emancipated” sex. Sweet) Virginal scruples vex, Don’t crowd us out, don’t snub, and sncer, s _—-

Page 12

(‘BMungwonsn) nydvibopoyy snoouvjuvpsur poroodgy sng fig) “SWIL-NO3SHONN SHL ‘S.QUO1 LY L3SNOIHO [Jury 25, 1891. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 46

Page 13

Jury 25, 1891.) ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, | July 13. Emperor WiLt1aM leaves | to-day having taken affectionate | farewell of Grandmamma. On the whole been most successful visit. | Weather a little Frenchy in its ten- | dency, but not all rain and thunder. | If things could only have been kept comfortable to last moment there need have been nothing to mar | success of event. Unfortunately, | Tanner's active brain discovered | opportunity of casting a stone at | head of departing Emperor. Look- | ing in at Charing Cross Telegraph Office, intending to send sixpenny- worth of genial remark to his late | esteemed Leader PARNELL on result of Carlow election, TanNER ob- | served ‘* Gutknecht” on shaft of lead pencil gratuitously provided. Much puzzled at this; thought at first it was Rarkes’s way of spelling good night ; found on in- quiry it was German. TANNER’S patriotic bosom filled | with storm of indignation. ‘‘ What!” | he cried, apostrophising the absent Rarkes, “‘at a time; when trade is declining, Ireland is unhappy, strikes are rampant, and human misery seems to have reached its | bitterest point, at such a time it| might be hoped you would have | given up your days and nights to| ameliorating the common lot, in- | stead of which you go about im- porting lead pencils made in Ger- —- 4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 47 | —commanding, conciliatory, threat- ening ing, or convincing, | according as the exigencies of the - pes require. Asa —— of —" the only contemporary thi u to it that I know, and that. of course, in quite a different way, is some of the bye-play of the old gentleman in L' Enfant Prodigue.” Business done.—\|n Committee of Supply. duesday. — Met Cuaririn just now, striding along corridor, mop- ving his pron oewen brow with a ndana that would, on emergency, serve as foresail for one of the cattle-carrying steamers just now troubling the Minister for Agricul- ture. “Anything gone wrong?” I asked, for it was impossible to be blind to his evident trepidation, _ “No, dear boy, it’s all right as it turns out, but it might have been otherwise. What do you think? Laspy’s positively been meving the reduction of the Vote by the amount of my salary! Shouldn’t have been surprised if some Member had got up, and, in neat — dilating on the enor- mous forward strides made by the Empire since Ministry of Agricul- ture was created, moved to double my screw. But to go and pro to dock it altogether at the end of the first year is; if I may say so, not encouraging.”’ * Oh,” I said, ** you musn’t mind Sack of Queen Anwne’s Gate ; his bark is worse than his bite.” ** Yes, | know,” said CHapiry ; ‘but I should be obliged to him ““URBI ET ORBI.” Mr. PUNCH RETURNS HIS BEST THANKS TO ALL AND SINGULAR, THE PUBLIC AND THE PRESS, FOR THE ENTHUSIASTIC RECEPTION > : ° ou and me (though do et it WITH WHICH THE TOAST OF HIS JUBILEE, EVERYWHERE AND BY mon e } h wet holding EVERYBODY, HAS BEEN RECEIVED. To Everyone HEALTH AND me to my Tee would cates for to-night; and so whilst Emperor Harriness, Peace axp Prosreniry. PUNCH. | pay £2000 a year than not have a Witttmam was taking leave of ; seat on the Treasury Bench in Grandmamma in the stately halls of Windsor, Tawwer was flinging | charge of a np You ‘ve never tasted the delight of stand- a lead pencil at his retreating figure, stabbing him, so to speak, in| ing up in a full House and reading out answer to a question, whilst the Imperial back with a commercial product retailed at the incon- all the world hangs on your lips. Nor have you ever drunk the siderable price of twopence-hal y a dozen. deep delight of explaining a Bin or replying on behalf of Hex _With some sense of relief House got into Committee of Supply. | Masesry’s Government to an Amendment. The joy is all the greater Various questions brought up on Colonial Vote. P. and 0. SurHER- to me, since it is newly acquired. For years I sat below the Gang- LAND championed claims of Sin- way, striving to catch the SreakeEn’s eye for deliverance from in competition with the herd, and when I fi rary conduct of Govern- su ed Members either howled at me or ment in levying military con- | left the House. Now I speak without wait- tributions. Doesn't often take ing for the Speaker’s call, and the House part in Debate ; showed to-night listens attentively to the utterances of the that abstention is not due to lack | Minister for Agriculture. That’s better of debating faculty. Set forth than salary paid quarterly: worth paying case of his clients in clear busi- | for as I say. Still it’s not pleasant to have ness-like speech, which com- Lappy serious] posing to stop your manded attention of audience,| wages. Wish he'd try it on someone else. for whom topic itself not parti- | There’s Piunket for example; must put cularly attractive. him up in that quarter.” “SUTHERLAND,” said the| Business done.—In Committee of Supply. Member for Sark, one of his Thursday.—A long dull night varied by most attentive listeners, “‘has occasional squalls. An immense relief to introduced a new element into | Hon. Members, after sitting through an hour Parliamentary oratory. His discussi Alienation of Crown Rights in intercurrent cough is the most Salmon Fishing in Scotland, on which remarkable adjunct to oratory I | Catpwett delivers discourse, to have op- ever heard. Suppose the fact | portunity of exercising their lungs. Mor- is, when he pauses, he is think- | TON a benefactor in this respect. As soon ing over the next word, or sur- as Atpuevs CLEoPHAS is discovered on his veying for a new line of argu- | feet there goes forth a how! that shakes the ment. Other men would consult | building. To-night rather awkward cir- their notes. P. and O. indulges | cumstance followed. Aurupvs CLeorHas in a kind of clearing of his| rising for the eighth time, Members broke throat, a compromise between a | forth into agonised how! that lasted several cough and an articulate remark | minutes. Was stopped by sudden commo- if he ‘d bark at someone else’s heels. Not, mind you, that I care so much about the money question. Between many, and so taking the very bread | out of the mouth of the British | Workman.” Might have asked question on| subject a week ago when he made discovery ; adroitly put it down “ A Bad Sixpence.”

Page 14

48 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 25, 1891, tion at the Bar. Engineer Parw rushed wildly in, gesticulating towards the astonished Chair, and disappeared. A body of workmen appearing mysteriously from depths beneath House, tumultuously crossed the doorway, and also vanished. Presently news came that flood of water was raging down staircase; gradually truth got at; a large water-main had burst in Upper Committee Corridor; cracked at startling sound of outburst upon ALPHEUs CLROPHAS’Ss re-appearance. ‘* This is all very well,” said Pucwxer. ‘I am myself no enthu- siastic admirer of Morrow’s Parliamentary eloquence. Still, as First Commissioner of Works, I feel this thing must be discouraged. Must draw the line somewhere. Can’t have our water-mains bursting with vicarious indignation because Morton would speak eight times n Committee of Supply.” Business done.—Committee of Supply. Friday.—In Lords to-night, Stan_tey or ALDERLEY, L. e. C., **T will do it for you in a line,” Isaid, sharply. ‘* Your father lost his temper, and tried bullying the bull (no joke), and you winked at the animal. He knew you, and stood still. The bull went for your father—you for the bull. Drive on!” ** Let me tell you then, how I prepared myself for the Ring by practising on a dummy bull.—I no difficulty in sticking pins into it—it was quite . Then I tried the same game on a sheep, |and got knocked down for my pains! One of my monkey tricks! | Then 1 got acquainted with some Irish bulls, letting them off |on my friends got several thumps on the head.” | ** No,” I interru him, sternly, *‘ get on with your story.” * Well, at le I met Juan at the bexinning May.” | “Make it first of April,” I said, severely. ‘* He was the Toreador out of Carmen, to put it shortly,” he con- rave fresh advertisement to CaLpERoN’s picture, “ St. Elizabeth of tinued, not deigning to notice my interruption—“ and he introduced Hungary.” Not a pleasant subject, from any point of view, artistic or moral. Everybody but well-mcvening ople like STANLEY oF Acperiry, glad to drop it. He brings it forward at this late day ; tric make the Marxrss responsible for whole business. The MARKISS protests that Stanwtey has had the advantage of him ; hasn't even seen the picture. “The only idea I have been able to form of it,” he said to delighted House, “ is derived from a picture n Punch, in which Zo is showing her back to the Members of the County Council.” Lords don’t often indulge in hearty laughter ; this too much for them, and StayLey or ALDERLEY temporarily extinguished, amid almost uproarious mirth. Business done.—Supply in Commons. s to HIT AND MISS. At Risley, Miss Learn, of Guernsey, has shot with considerable success. Miss Leaue. though only nineteen years old, is a shooting member of the National Rifle Association, and has won several prizes at the meetings of the Guernsey Rifle Association. } Tue Whirligig of Time! Its latest turn see In this phenomenon who hails from Guernsey. We've often met, at pic-nics or at dances, Young ladies who were good at shooting—glances ! And glances that, alas! have often filled us With tender feelings, if they have not killed us. We've met fair maidens, who have found it pleasant l'o tramp the moors for grouse, or shoot at pheasant ; Of some indeed who've had a go at grisly ; But never—until now—of one at Bisley. Yet there she is, and whilst her sisters, sitting At home, may spend their leisure time in knitting, She sits and shoots, nor does she ve ry far get From where she aims, the centre of the target. lake off your hats to her as now we name her, Miss Leare, of Guernsey! Gladly we acclaim her For Womankind (triumphant in the Schools) high Renown henceforth will look for in the bull’s-eye, And, tired of tennis, having quite with thimble done, Will strive for laurels at the Modwn Wimbledon! MONT! THE MATADOR. riginally intended for the F-rtn-ghtly R-v-w.) Yes, I’m better, and the Doctor tells me I’ve escaped once mor That Doctor hates you—I know it. He has saved me—to tell you the story—The story I have been trying to tell to some ne for thirty years.” I was talking to Old Monrr, whose full name was Monti pi Preta—as a pledge of his respectability. He was a descendant of the Por sient ros del Tre ballos d'Oro. He was subsequently called Monkey —as a tribute to his character. ‘*] should like you to tell me,” I said, *‘ for you must know that for years I have seen the snows on the Lagartigo, and the moonlight n the— ‘Stop!” he eried—‘‘you are going to begin dding. That will do for a magazine, not for me!” and he snapped his fingers at me. But I was not to be put off. He was weak—a cripple—and I gave him the choice of listening to a personally-conducted tour in the South of Spain, or relating his adventures. ‘*] will have my revenge!’’ he muttered. ‘* You shall hear my life from the beginning. You must know, then, that sixty years ago I was born, and- , Yes,” 1 returned, interrupting him—‘‘ of poor parents. Your father was coarse, your mother pious. You learned all you could about bulls, which you kept from your father, and you were ultimately engaged as a bull-tighter-——”’ *’ Btop, stop! ” he cried. “If you eut out about a dozen pages of my biography, at least let me explain how I saved my father. | You must know t} NOTICE. —Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope there will be no exception. me to the bull-fight. Of course I had to pay my footing (a very un- certain one) in duros, or hard cash. Then every morning I ate a chuto a sort of small cabbage) at my dinner—then they tried me as a capa, to test (so they said) my capability. The chief patron was the Duke |of Meprcrsa, who in early youth had been a doctor—hence his title |—and I shall never forget his first greeting.” ‘Your story!” I interrupted, sternly, finding that the old man was onee more becoming tedious. **T returned,” replied the dotard, with a senile chuckle, ‘‘ that he was wrong. His answer was beyond my meaning—he muttered something about ‘mutton and capa sauce.’ I was eng ,” con- tinued the dotard, with a feeble grin, ‘‘as a capa for seventy years certain, with an annual benefit once infour years, with a salary of forty-two thousand a year—which in those days seemed to me to be a small fortune.” ‘They are wretchedly paid in Spain,” I observed. ** They are,” he acquiesced, ‘* {we paid a week in advance, and have lived upon the proceeds ever since. And now my life was indeed a merry one. I was free of the Ring. Now I played the cornet in the Brassos Banderillos, and my performance pleased the aficionados (or advertising agents) so well, that my name was known throughout the Peninsula.” ** Well,” once more I interrupted, ‘‘ I suppose you met a Spanish beauty, fell in love with her, and was cut out by a party of the name of Juan?” ‘* However do you think of such clever things?” asked the old man in a tone of extreme astonishment. ‘‘ But you are right. I placed CLEMENCIA one day in the pal co (or part reserved for friends), and the bull tossed me. n me—treated me like a mat. But I loved her and ado: Hence I was called a has pg repeat, the tossed me, I did not come down heads.”’ oo Go on.” “I was ill, and neglected, but soon re- covered __sufli- ciently to kill sixty-six bulls in succession.” “Surely you are exaggerat- ‘You are rfectly right,” e answered, with a blush. **) killed sixty - tive-—the sixty-sixth was only mortally wounded. And now the people made an idol of me. I was absolutely worshi hae ‘**Come to the point,”’ I said, in a tone that show was not to be trifled with. **No that was the fate of Juan. which is Spanish for marbles) he said to me (in excellent nish), *Montr, me bhoy, philaloo! ye will shtay byme?’ ‘That will I—as shure as me name is Tra—I should =| Montr,’ I , in choice Castilian. The bull came up, I looked him in the eye, raised my shillalo (a short Spanish club), and, erying ‘ Whist!’ he cut for partners. Juan was cut a deal.” “That bull was a ripper.”’ I murmured. , ‘*Bedad he was that, Sorr,” returned the dotard, whose Spanish became more and more Castilian every moment. ‘‘ CLemeEnica died the next morning. But I am remorseful—that I did not kill her myself. now I had my revenge! I have told ye the ! I know you—your name ’s H-a-2-"—— e gave a gasp and died. I sent the tale I hed just Sand te the Ah, she trampled u myself. “They made an Idol of me.” At the end of a game of toros But I too had my revenge. | F-rtn-ghtly Bou will , Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule CHAS. CAM. com] ING Ri DMS, BE! 6 to THE REAL t Blendings | laeees BK FOR A GR VATTED In At 45s. f at of the Ping al Analyst” ¢ Sco AT ALL TH I \\- FAMOT TO BE HA M TEE PAL, NEST POR c High “commended b 8 ézrzts, : PASH %. per don. ix Brarierow & ¢ L GERMAN OPP or £0n - DDANTE ARRAN C Handle, & Handle, 7 - ‘Soaxe, G

Page 15

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Juny 25, 1891. Has CAMERON, MD. says>—“* An it Food, irably adapted to the wants of infants.” EAVES, FOOD %= »., FS. } Cotistitdents fre fiir above the ANT LET?, PAT erage of the best Parinaceous Foods.” . OLLINSON & LOCK, SPECIALISTS IN ALL KINDS OF DECORATIVE WORK. ifty completely fitted roo prices to ING ROOMS, DRAWIN “dom, BO DMS, BEDROOMS, DRESSING ROOMS, BA SPECTALITY POR 6 to 8Y, OXFORD ST ; THE REAL “ cor @ Xinmwess” THE ‘ s of the © Cc ase Eas Fae Bi at utely B C 0 N D = Laebly rev gnay Casas ‘ USE G. DIABETES WHISKY Contéins no Sagar. Is not stored in Sherry Cache. for Stasetas, C6t?, & tifweT dowfiarifts. “ Céttainly s¢eme to deserve its natié.”"—Laxcer. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PATD. GEO, BACK & GO., Devonshite Square, London. AND DRINK ONLY GREERS’ >. Vee VATTEO HIGHLAND WHISKY. a Square Bottlés.) At 45s. per Do#é Cass, AaF “Techs pe the Petectton THE LEADING STORES IN LONDON , 0, Mane Lara, 6 tic, a8 a sample, will 1% (ent, Pest free MATHEWS & 00, HART &T., BLOOMSBURY, w OC. 25, by “ Lesoixe Meacusnrs throaghoat NDIA and the Cotomizs. EERINGSS sith MEDAL me gee REY BRANDY. Grr Best =a iM- VAR ro eel WHISKY. | een a FAMOUS OLD SO0TCH. ousehot . MaAnvetusus P + TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. , * "fe an 2 ate "Bath, M THE PALACE AND THE SHIZLING. | glnval uable for Toilet purposes hEST FOR CAMP, MOOR, On Loc. | plendid Cleansing Preparati: m = for the Hair. lighest Awards. Removes Stains and Grease Spots mmended by the Medical Faculty Ree from Clothing, &c. £ GRIZVS, SDINBURcH iad LotDéw. HAW a on inners CTO Ue Barret. Cleans Plate and Jewellery. tet OLD BRANDY. AT ALI 1s. bottle for six t ten baths. Of all Grocers, Chemists, &c. SCRUBB & Co. 15 Red Cross St., 8.E. t na, per don in Caste as imported. al tarierow & Co, 28, Regent Street, W. | L GERMAN HOLLOW “GROUND ‘ vP A \ | A R = + ARRANTED Handle, 56 Handle. 78. Gaanert, & Co From all Dealers. tendon, W. | SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS HUNTING and RIDIN Tweed Suite, Boys Wear, and all HARDWEAR. Fac-simile of Stamp on Back of Every TWO YARDS of all GENUINE CHIPPING NORTON TWEEDS. NG BREECHES, y'6. FLUID. G0 emplared is with invariable mas. te. Wounds tating Dis- says: not wonderful that m & favourite with «i have bne should read By ewsinent medical autho a Useful information on nw iments, issued with every bottle, or sent free by post on applica | conDY's. ‘fLum WORKS, 64, TURNMILL STREET, E.C. bee “POR T THE BLOOD 18 OD 18 THE Lire” * : | INDIEN _ ee GRILLON.. BE. GRILLON, 69, Queen Street, City, London. AND DRUGGISTS, Be. WORLD-FAMED BLOOD | ‘MIXTURE |: Is wamentes to cleguse the eteed tren a8 nye urities, from waarry es cattee ari « Serefula, Beurvy, Fezema, Skin pna c lood Diseases, and Sores of all | | kinds. ite effects vellow + is the ontly il specific for G at and Kheumatie Pains, for re | Bertie sthe caver from the blood and % In bo tthe i, 22. O¢. and lis. ench, of all Chentists.. Pre | pric rat 5. vin anid Midian Counties o us Co, Linc My Iurt A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY AGREEABLE TO TAKE. FOR CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appétite, Gastric and Intestinal Headache | 6a, A BOX. Waters Continie to be supplied to Het Majesty the Queen. BEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF BROTH RED AND BROWN LABELS Darnemean PIANOS. BRINSMEAD FlIANOS N BRINSMEAD & §5N8, 4 to 2, KM. the Pracess of Wales, If, to _ W. Lists Free Taisho over half a century {Tiesie GLARKE’S COMPANY'S Signature (as above) in Blue Ink across the Label on each Jar of the Genuine Extract. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. Por ACTDITY of rue STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION, Rold throughout the World “hy 9 = Si ye” ENGLISH ¥ PERFUME Always Refreshing, Sweet and Lasting. PRICE 1/, 26, 5/, & 10/6 per Bottle. To be had of all Perfumers, Chemiata, $e. IVENDEN & SONS, Tamer, W.. & City Rosy, B.C, LONDON wr ALn—R, HE BRANERS os

Page 16

ae ni “ — Oe nen. an: PUNCI H, OR THE _LONDON CHARIVARL—Juty 25, 1891. A ‘CHEERFUL OLD SOU a tj Jb ZZ WHOSE TASK IS LIGHTENED BY 7 « SUNLIGHT SOAP.” T is possible for a woman with increasing years to contin to do laundry work. Thousands who would have been lai aside under the old system of washing, have proved whi SUNLIGHT SOAP can do in reducing labour. The cleansin properties of SUNLIGHT SOAP save years of arduous tol Reader, prove SUNLIGHT SOAP for yourself; by givin the best article a trial, you will do yourself a real servic BEWARE! | coup, so ve pained om mpen you. 2 yee do, you mast expect ‘Bunlight”'"e stamped” wen ee kal anid tee Gong coat Printed by William Styart Smith of Bo. SS, lateinn Beet Hejloway, in 66, Many, et be County Of Middlesex, at the Prin g Oat of Meh. Beeteawy, , & Co., Lames, Btirce t. im the Pree of Whitefriays, in tte ( ty AS end Pe ul by bins at Ko. os Pie ct Street, in the Parish of St Dr ide City of London.—Satvapar, aly 25, isot.