Punch 1891-07-04: Vol 101 Iss 2608

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Notice. s* MR. PUNCH’S JUBILEE will be celebrated by the publication of a Special Extra Number to be given with the ordinary current number for the week ending July 18th.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ju.tr 4, 1891.

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| Jury 4, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL URBI ET ORBL Mr. Punen returns thanks for the anticipatory con- gratulations on the occasion of his Jubilee, and takes this opportunity of informing his friends—which means Everybody Everywhere—that the 50th anniversary of his natal day is July 18 prox., which day Mr. Puncn hereby gives full and entire permission to the aforesaid Everyone Everywhere to keep as a whole Holiday, and do in a general way, and to the utmost of their ability, just exactly what best pleases them. PUNCH. THE CHANTREY BEQUEST A LA MODE DE LISLE. [* Mr. De Liste wished the Government to veto any pictures purchased under the Chantrey Beqnest that did not meet with their approval.” — Daily Paper.) SceneE—A Studio in the Royal Academy. The President and several Members of the Council waiting arrival of Government to inspect their most recent purchase. President (with assumed joviality). Well, my dear Colleagues, I do not think exception can be taken to this composition. Simple and effective, is it not ? | First Member of Council (gloomily). Oh, you never know! I think we ought to have opposed the admission of the Cabinet—what should they know about Art ? Second Mem. (drily). Enough to make speeches at the annual dinner—to which they wouldn’t come if we snubbed them. First Mem. What of that? I am sure the President is quit | eloquent enough to stand alone. Pres. (with a graceful bow). You are most kind. But, hush! here comes Lord Satissury ! Enter the Pre Minister. Cordial greetings. Premier (briskly). I am sure you will forgive me if I get through this quickly. (Looking at picture.) Hm! Yes, very nice; but did says: lerf toed arite wit | Epwarp the Black Prince wear his Garter ribbon in battle? I am} | sure I refrain from appearing in mine under similar circumstances. | (Zo Pres.) Do you think the Artist could paint it out ? Pres. 1 feel sure he will do everything in his power to satisfy your Lordship’s artistic instincts. Premier. Tust so. [ Exit n. when enter Frnst Lory of the Treasvry, t. Pres. (greeting new-comer cordially). Most glad to see you, my | dear Right Hon. Sir! First Lord. Very good indeed of you to say so, but am always anxious to do my duty tomy Queen and Country. (Gazing at picture.) Hm! Not bad! But, I say, Ido know something of yachting, and | that isn’t the way to brace up the marling-spike to the fokesell yard with the main jibboom three points in a wind with some East in it! | If I may venture a suggestion—hope Artist will paint out the gondola. Ta-ta! A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. [Ezxit. Pres. Well, well, I do not know what our friend will think of the matter, but perhaps the Hansom of Venice is a little superfluous, Why here is the Home Secretary. [Enter that august personage—mutual greeting. Home Sec. (examining picture). Yes, very nice. Just my idea of what a historical picture should be! Sea-view very fair indeed, and | I think that the suggestion of the presentation at Court is also extremely neat. The Black Prince, perhaps, a little near Oniver CROMWELL, but then that is a detail that will not challenge particular attention. I like too the view of Vauxhall Gardens—very good, indeed! But why should a scene of this great historical importance be laid in Charing Cross during a labour demonstration ? Pres. (frankly). I cannot say that I have looked up all my | authorities, but I do not think our friend would allow himself to be wrong on so important a point. Home Sec. Well, I think it would be in better taste if the Artist cut out that stampede of police—it is not true to nature ! [ Exit. Pres. There may be something in what he says, but I do wish these amateurs would keep their suggestions to themselves. Enter First Lonp of the ADMrmatry. Pres. (cordially). My dear Lord, delighted to see you--what do you think of it ? First Lord. Hm! Yes! Perhaps! But, I say, what right has the Artist to put the white ensign on the top of that light-house ? It’s against the regulations—they should be flying the Trinity House flag—if anything. That must come out, you know—it really must ! [Erit. Pres. Silly blunder, but it can be easily remedied. Ah! the Secretary of State for War! (Znter that official.) Well, Mr. Stan- nope, and how do you like the new purchase ? War Minister (after a glance.at the canvas), Tollol. But come, I say, come; the Lron Duke never wore a hat like that! And, 1 say, as it isn’t raining, why has he put up his umbrella’ In the cause | of historical accuracy that should not be allowed. [£xit. | Pres. (drily). 1 am afraid our friend will have enough to do. | | (Enter the remainder of the Cabinet together), Well, Gentlemen— | hope you a of our purchase ? emainder (together), Not at all. You should have only bought the frame! -{Scene eloses in on the consideration of this new point. VOL. CI. er, W.0. | B

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ne ee, ee he oe 4 iy 8 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 4, 1891. ““MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS.” Crersza, June, 1891. Four Beti(e)s. MR. PUNCH EXPLAINS. [Last week Mr. Punch congratulated King Henry's “holy shade” on the Four-hundredth Anniversary of the Foundation of Eton College.] To Mr. Punch’s friendr, who think he blundered, In thinking Eton's years were + four hundred, And acted quite in error when he pai Congratulations to King Henny’s A word of explanation now is due, To show how what he stated then was true. The word is this—that fifty years have now ——— since Mr. Punch first made his bow ; And though since then with many friends he 's parted, | Himself he is as young as when he s' Just fifty years it now a That fair een dicieel four oo years. Ungallant it had been if one had told her | That Mr. Punch kept pouns whilst she grew older! | Yet if it is indeed the Fourth Centenary Or Jubilee the Ninth since any *ENERY Became the founder of a Royal College— Well, Mr. Punch prefers to have no knowledge. He only does not know—has never known a More worthy toast than ‘‘ Floreat Etona !” d Re shade,” The New Crusaders. [“ Kaiser Wilhelm, according to a Berlin Journal, has given his | consent to a lottery being instituted throughout the Empire ‘ for | | combating the slave trade in Afnea.’ Tickets to the amount of | ight millions of marks will be issued, five and a half millions of | which will be devoted to prizes.”"—Daily Telegraph Berlin | Correspondent. | KNIGHTS-ERRANT of earth’s earlier days, Might learn from WILHELM KalIser. | risked their lives in Paynim frays, e moderns have grown wiser. Tis not enough by Big Bazaars To buttress Churches tottery ; We, with the dice “‘ financing ” wars, Conduct Crusades —by Lottery ! Lrve anv Learn.—Mr. Parkryson will now probably admit that the foolish process known as “breaking a butterfly on a wheel” may bring the breaker woe. | SHAKSPEARE AND NORTH, NOT CHRISTOPHER. CoLoret Norta is popularly supposed to have been the architect of his own fortune, but he doesn’t seem to have profited much by his architectural knowledge when applied to house-building. The burly Colonel—we forget at this moment what regiment is under his distinguished command — has met many a great per- sonage in his time, but, like the eminent barbarian who encoun- tered a Chris- tian Arch- bishop for the first tume—St. Ambrose, we | rather think it was, but no matter — our | bold Colonel had to climb down a bit on coming face | to face with |the Lord | Chief Justice of England. C-l-n-l] N-rth as Falstaff. L-rd C-l-r-dge as the Lord Chief Justice. — ° aie Henry the Fourth, Part IL., Act ii., Se. | out of Henry the Fourth! Falstaff, Colonel Norra, and My | Lord Cotermpor for the Lord Chief Justice. The seene might ) be Part II., Act ii., Scene 1, when the Lord Chief says to Bir Joh “You s as ha power to do wrong; but answer, in the effect of your reputations and satisfy the poor woman,”—only for Papp nm, Gentle Zitella The Princess Lovise, there, “on” ‘‘woman,” read ‘“‘ architect.”” Curious that the name of GaMBLE should be the pre-surname of Mister Colonel Nortn’s brother. | |What’sinaname? Yet there’s a good deal in the sound and look | of Gamsie Nortn, especially when up before the Lord Chief, whe | must quite recently have got hold of quite a little library of useful | knowl . Also odd that most of Mr. Nortn’s money seems to have | been ein the South. But ‘‘A 1,” that is, the architect, won, and the gallant Mister Colonel, or Colonel Mister, left the Court; feeling comparatively A-Norther man. Never mind, even the | Millionairey Colonel can’t always be lucky. MR. PUNCH’S QUOTATION BOOK. I.—For Ixrerton CHAMPAGNE, ‘ How mad and bad and sad it was— But then, how it was sweet !”—Brownina. IIl.—For Mr. GLapstone. “ Et longa canoros Dant per colla modos.”—VirorL. III.—For tue New Bisnor or Licnrrerp. “Gaiter.—A covering for the leg.”—Enoiisu Dictionary. IV.—For a Tennis-ptarre, Iuprisonep sy Bap WEATHER. “ They also serve who only stand and wait.”—MuTown. At Sr. James’s Hatt.—Hair Pappy Rewsk1 is a pianofortist up to the time and tune of day. Knowing that L’ Enfant Prodigue |is now all the go, be keeps himself up to date as, Se | Musical Prodigy ‘Son’s, I mean Menpetssony’s “ Songs wii t | Words ,” and this so effectively, that the last wordless song he was | obliged to repeat, and much the audience by wopesting. | Then the good fellar played Za Congeness, Which I er ., ‘were lly looking uncommonly well considering the heat. Bravo, Favor Rewear! Odi Inknd Greve!

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Jury 4, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 3 ———- OFF TO MASHERLAND. (By Our Own Grandolph.) (FIRST LETTER—A.) 1.—From Paddington to the first comma is a comparatively slight | stop. | prefers the long clay pipe, which | envies those who can smoke the Left Paddington. Was compelled to leave Paddi m, as train started from that station. ‘The Great Western!” What boundless ideas are mages by this title, &c., &e. (This part I'll send to Daily Graphic.) REASONS FOR THE JoURNEY. | Well, never mind my reasons. I had made up my mind to go. That ’s enough. “* Marlbrook s’en va fen guerre,” mais as MaRi- BROOK Junior I TIDDLER,s und. Nice ellow, Trp- DLER. Knew him y TION OF Parry. Well, you know what it Was once upon THE ,| and ties pay the dealer. a time. There was A BALrour _ pardon, | should say,} Tue Batrovr —and Drummy Worry, and De Gorsttsvs f ; : non disputan- dum (‘‘no ar- guing with Gorst’’), and self. As good a quartette, though I sey it who shouldn’t, as ever sat down to a concerted piece, with myself as First Fiddle. But now ~‘* Where am dat barty now ?””—I don’t know if I quote correctly ; quoting correctly is not my forte. ‘* Dat barty,”’ suggests Wotrr ; he was the “* barty”’ of our party, in the merry —_ of old. Now—none of ’em here, and I with my ink-stand before me, a pencil, a pen, note-books galore, and any amount of | foolseap, represent *‘ the composition’’ of our party. I must get on with my “compo.” Is reminds me of doing a “‘ Theme” at Eton. This is a holiday task. One, two, three, off !—and away! ALL ABROAD. Before I know where we are, so to speak, we have left London, and are at Lisbon. On the voyage Captain G. WILLIAMs suggests | these lines, to which I append my own translation. Batrovr rather behind me in Latin at Eton (I hear by private wire that he admitted as much in his recent speech at the fourth centenary celebration), and so, perhaps, couldn’t give the translation as easily as I do. Here is the Captain’s reminiscence, and my translation when he isn’t looking :— | * Tile terrarum mihi preter omnes Angulus ridet, ubi non Hymetto Melle decedunt, viridique certat Bacca Venafro. “ Vir ubi longum tepidusque prebet Jupiter brumas, et amicus Aulop, Fertili Baccho nimium Falernis Invidet uvis.” Which translated means :— _ He, the Englishman (Angulus), beside me (that is, “ sitting on deck by my side”) laughs at all people on shore when he is quite certain (certaf) that he can’t get good tobacco from VENAFER’s (a | to ist). is) man so soon hot, for, by Jove, you'll burn yourself (brwmas), and being a friend of AvLon’s (“all on,” local green tobacco, and doesn’t wonder go in for Falernian (classic metaphor for Cape wine). I think that’s pretty good for an old Etonian who could give | Batrovur (the “‘ Four” of the Fourth Party, a four-oar without a steerer) a mile over any course of Vircit or , and beat him easily. |to Remember,” &c. tebe ree except in some other places. i ‘he m cellent | cha: jand boiled! Such a breakfast! leent! § | the joke), he | Plant,” chat they | companion. | however—off not to sit on them in boat. WHERE ARE WE now? En route, called on the Bey of an 6 Found him in amiable temper—not a bit rough. Lisbon delightful. Chatsworth not in it with the smallest flower-and-kitchen garden here. Dined at the “Brag ”—short for Braganza. Suddenly inspired—wrote drinking song :— “ Sancho Panza At Braganza, Quaffed no end of cup, But Don Quizit Said “ Don’t mix it— Let us go and sup.” Have com my own music to this—call it my musical cup-yright. Shan’t publish it, for fear of pirates. No other rates at sea, except pi-rates, and the rate we’re now going at—i.e., two knots an hour, Hoorah! I enclose portrait of self after the above symposium, carried round the town to the air of ‘* Please _ aZ The Fifth of November anticipated in Quite Mad-eira. Too Novembery perhaps, but everything too previous here, and it’s summer even in winter, and winter's This is the meteorological or ical rule, the ‘‘ Summa Lez.”’ Look at my bearers! ese are s of the people, eh ? Carried round town in triumph, and then back to the ship, which I now look upon as my native place, or the land of my berth’! ““ONCE MORE ABOARD THE LuccER!” Here we are, off the Cape of Good Hope. Hops, as you know, was a worthy Admiral who dis- covered this place; he is men- tioned by the poet as having done so; you remember— “ Hope told a flattering tale ;” but no one believed him. Wish Batrovur, Gorsty, and Worry were here, and Woxrry better than when I lefthim. First-rate place to he up health. Every morning I climb the maintop-gal- lant, umes into the ocean, and out again in the blowing of a Bo’sen’s whistle. I dive, grapple with fresh lobster, bri im up by the tail, and before he knows where he is, he is boiled and on table, hot, for breakfast. Ex- lobster! But how he colour at being caught Quire a Troricat Sone! Something spicy at last. Rather! e ** Umbrella-tree” magni out in wet weather and folds up when it’s fine. Splendid specimen of the ‘* Boot- tree” (Ar fogremenpedie), and uaint ‘* Blacking - Brush which is its invariable i No time to spare, in to the Gran- ; kets full of fruits of all kinds. Must take care Lemon squash all very well, but a mixed tully Castle, with | fruit squash in your tail-coat pocket not so refreshing.

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[Jury 4, 1891, CAPERING. There are 50,000 souls and as many bodies in Cape Town. Give you my word, it’s a fact. I may have omitted one or two, but saw most of ‘em through telescope before landing. There’s an old Town House and a Castle, and an Excellency for Governor: Museum, Library, with Manuscripts badly illuminated before the j of gas: and as good a glass of Port (called here “* Port Elizabet after Miss Exizaperu Marti, who first took to it, but didn’t finish it, thank goodness!) as you'd wish to get away from the Turf Club. The little boys toss for halfpence in the street, which impressed me with the wonderful mineral wealth of South Africa faving nothing better to do, I joined them, and won. I lectured them on incautious play, and they said something in South-African, which the street Arabs here speak to perfection, and which, I fancy, was both flattering and apologetic. Called on Crem, the Colossus of Rhodes, but he was absent at the time. Fine place, the Cape. ‘“*‘ Why,” I asked myself, ‘‘do our people go to _ «gat», Southend, Herne Bay, and even Scarborough, when there is such a splendid seaside place as this to come to?” But no; because their people have done it before them, so they ll go on doing ; and, unlike yours, truly, they won't strike out a line of their N.B.—I must beg the Editor, when he gets this, not to strike out any line of mine, as it's business, and means advertisement. } Tue Opp Trex. Had a game of single-handed poker with one of the Trekkers, und beat him hollow. Not at first, of course, out of politeness ; but at game No. 3 he was nowhere. Bless him, I knew a “ trek” worth any three of his. He wanted to go about with me after ciscove;r own, - iin = a J he c ro Mw OS » 7 AS aé Pas a | this, but he became such a Boer (that’s the origin of our word at home signifying ‘‘ nuisance”) that I cut him, and his pack of cards too. Just off to see the Dutch races. Shall pick up a little coin over this. You'll excuse my not writing any more this week, as have to send a lot of stuff to the Daily Graphic, besides cramming and reading up for it far more than ever I did at Oxford. However, the jeu d'’esprit is well worth the chandelle. You don’t want much about local politics—do you ? If so, wire ’s the word, and I’m there. Looking forward to see What-can-the- Matter-be- Land, also Sam Best, and other old friends, with whose names, at least, the papers have already made you familiar. Must be off now, as I’ve an interview with the High Commissioner, who does all my business for me at the native races. Obliged to give him twenty per cent. on commission, and that, of course, is the reason why he has earned the proud title of “‘ High,” which he now deservedly enjoys. ‘* How's that for High?” And the answer is, ‘* Fifteen per cent. on ordinary business, and twenty per cent. for a win,.”’ Newmarket not in it with this place. So for the present, ‘‘ Adoo, adoo!” Mind you, I’ve got my eyes open, and this is my tip for all the country out here, ** White to win in a few moves,” [to which I shall soon be able to put you wp}, and “* Black not to win anyhow.” Very hot out here; dry work, scribbling; but luckily in the Orange Free State that de- licious fruit can be had for the asking. Tell Gorsry that, and W ovrry can use the information, if he likes, till Ireturn. Au revoir ! Yours ever, zanclotft Tha Cxplorer. i > (—\oaeeeen | \ : | iS 44 yous QUEER QUERIES.—Avrnorsuarpe.—I should be glad te know the name of a Publisher of repute who would be likely to purchase for £1000 a first-rate Sensational Novel ? I have only written one chapter | so far, but I have the plot in my head, and I think a really able and ¢ nergetic Publisher would be able to judge of the work from a small specimen. Which was the Firm that gave Groner Exsor £5000 for | Middlemarch? I should like to go to them.—No Jveerns. LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. Billsbury, Tuesday, 3rd June.—We had an immense meeting here last night, just to keep the enthusiasm going. We had done our best to get a Cabinet Minister to come down, but they all had some excuse or other, and we had to content our- - selves with CarpEw, who, being an Under- Secretary, is the next best thing to the genuine Cabinet rose. VULLIAMY eame too. A most extraordinary chap that. Instead of being offended at what I did with reference to his pro s for whole- sale illegality, he merely delivered his soul of what he called “a gentle test,” and declared himself ready to do all he could to help me to counteract the effects of my own obstinacy. There was con- siderable difficulty, as there always is, in apportioning the various speeches, so as not to leave.any of the important local chiefs out of the proceedings. First of all ToLtaND, as Chairman, opened the pro- ceedings. Then came a vote of confidence in Her Majesty’s Government, proposed by Colonel CHorKLE, and seconded by Vuttiamy. To this CanpEw responded. Then Morrat proposed, and JERRAM seconded, a vote of confidence in me, to which, of course, I responded. Old Dicky Drxes proposed a vote of thanks to the Chairman. This was seconded by Tusssee, and after a few cordial words from Tottanp, the gathering broke up. On the whole, everything went off extremely well. VuLiiamy’s speech was a masterpiece. fhe said :— ** I turn from yy even uestions of public policy to the private concerns of the borough of Billsbury. On previous occasions ve had an opportunity of saying what I think of your Candidate, Mr. Pattie. I have known Lim for years. Ever since I first met him, I have been more and more struck by the extraordinary pee interest he takes in political matters. His views are enlighte his judgment is ponne, Sae his eloquence is of so high an order as to Free and Independent Elector. at ensure to him a brilliant success in the House he is i to adorn. But what chiefly commends him to my regard and to yours, is the honourable uprightness of his character. The contest here will be a fierce and determined one; but, thank heaven, with such a Candidate as yours, it will be kept free from all personal bitter- ness, and will be conducted in such a way that no breath of suspicion will rest on the absolute and scrupulous legality of every- thing that may be done. The conscience of the people demands this of the candidates who may appeal to its suffrages, and, speaking as an old man, I can only say that I rejoice to see those who are yet young bearing themselves so honourably, and maintaining the great traditions which have made of England the greatest and proudest nation in the world, and have advanced Billsbury to a position of glorious prosperity which other towns strive in vain to approach.”’ This from VULLiAMy was splendid, considering that Fi had fol- lowed his advice, I should have steeped myself in illegality, But the cheers that greeted the speech were deafening, the most enthu- siastic coming from Morrat, Biissop, and Jerram, who had urged my compliance with VcLLIAMy’s suggestions. Wednesday, June 4th.—The Meteor is furious about our meeting yesterday. It says, in a leader :—‘‘ Do these gentlemen suppose that the froth blown by them over the addle-pates who cheered their speeches is likely to shake sir THomas Cuvunson from the secure position in which the affection of the Billsbury public has enthroned him? We have nothing to say against Mr. Parrie except this, that his youth, combined with the ridiculous immaturity of his views, absolutely disqualities him for the responsible t to which his foolish ambition aspires. Let him go back to the briefs, which the vivid imagination of his supporters pictures as crowding his table in the Temple. Let him join debating societies, and learn how to pou in publie; let him eat, drink, and be merry in London; let him, in fact, do anything except run the head which flattery has turned against the sturdy stone of Billsbury Liberalism, We give him this advice in no unfriendly spirit. Let him be wise in time, and take it.” The Guardian is of course jubilant. “‘ Never,” it says, “has it been our lot to hear the magnificent principles of our cause expounded with an eloquence so convincing. Mr. Carpew spoke, as he always does, with that sturdy good sense which has not only made him a redoubtable foe in House of Commons, but has endeared his name to the masses of the English people. Mr. Vuritamy in showed himself a master of the great questions of finance, and held his audience enthralled while he contrasted the futile extravagance of Liberal Governments with the wise, but generous economies, established by those who now hold the reins P 4 Government. Our popular and eloquent young Candidate, Mr. Parrie, showed himself not unworthy to take his side by side with the two t men we have mentioned upon the Government benches. Rarely has any

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Juiy 4, 1891,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 6 | meeting displayed opponents may well hide their diminished heads. Another nail has | been struck into the coffin of the Cuussons, and the rest of the gang | whom the unfortunate apathy of the Conservatives, at the last election, permitted to rise to high places in Billsbury polities. Sic semper tyrannis !” He weekly sort of Society rag ATTLE has Tm ts his say whisper nothings which are Pp the idiot means to hint Miss Peyroty ? Hope Mary They There ’s a curious para published in Billsbury. It says:—*‘ Mr. P. stay in Billsb for some time. Can it all be politics ? nothing. But others have been heard to sweet. What price bonnets?” I su that there ’s something between me and won’t hear of this rubbish. have earned their doom. ph in a litt MODERN TYPES. (By Mr. Punch’s Own Type Writer.) No. XXVI.—THE LADY SHOPKEEPER. Lapres who, in order to correct the inequalities of fortune, or to | counteract a spendthrift husband, have betaken themselves to the | keeping of shops, form a large and rapidly-increasing body. In| times so ancient as to be scarcely within the memory of a juvenile | dowegets it was held by the high dry exponents of aristocratic privilege that to touch trade, even when it proffered a bag of money in a well-gloved hand, was to be defiled beyond the restoring power of a Belgravian Duchess. To be sure, even the highest and the driest of these censors contrived to close an indulgent eye when a moneyless scion of nobility sought to prop his tottering house by rebuilding it | upon a commercial foundation, and cemen it with the dower of a ‘‘tradesman’s” daughter. But if these blameless ones, whose exclusive dust has long since been consigned to family vaults with appropriate inscriptions, could have foreseen the dreadful inroads of | the trading spirit, if in a moment of prophetic rapture they could | have ~en the painful decay of caste which permits a lady to | dabble in bonnets, to toy with the making of fancy frames, to cut dresses almost like a dressmaker, and, horror of horrors, to send in| bills to her customers, surely they would have refrained from the | tomb in order to stem the tide of advancing demoralisation. But | they are dead, and we who remain are left to deal as best we may | with the uncompromising spirit of the age. It is absolutely essential to the proper production of a Lady Shop- | keeper that she should have been at one time both affluent and socially distin- guished. If to these qualities she can add the supreme advantage of good looks and a fw car demeanour, her career is certain to be a prosperous and a rapid one. If, finally, she has been mated to a husband who, haying long ago spent his own cash, contrives in a short time to run a best on record through hers, if he is a good fellow of a sort, with a capacity for making friends which is as - large as his generosity in “ staking money, she may be Y sure that no element will be * wanting to her success, It is of course unnecessary that she should have served any aperenticontep to the trade that she ultimately adopts. When, after some glittering seasons of horses and foot- men and brilliant parties, the crash comes upon the little household, her friends will be called into council. Some will recommend a_ retired life in a distant suburb, where it is currently reported that £250 a year may be made to play the part of £2,000 in the heart of May Fair. Others will hint that governesses have been known, after | years of painful labour, to lay by a sufficiency for a short old age ; others, again, will dive into the storehouse of their reminis- | cences, in order to produce for inspection the well-known example | of a colonel and his wife, who defied both the fates and the rheu- | matism in the modest pension of a Continental watering-place. All| these yy however, are eventually put aside in favour of the | advice that a shop should be started, a nom de commerce adopted, and a circle of friendly customers be acquired by discreet advertise- ment. After these matters have been decided, but not till then, it becomes necessary to determine to what special branch the talents of the prospective Shopkeeper are to be devoted. At last even this is, accomplished, and in a few months more the world of fashion may | learn by private circular or public paragraph, that a new competitor | little sour krowt. Y per ny enthusiasm and unanimity. Our wretched for its favours has been launched into commercial activity under a | sweetly symbolical name. After this everything depends upon the Lady herself, At first everything will go swimmingly. Friends will rally round her, and she may perhaps discover with a touching surprise that the staunchest and truest are those of whom, in her days of brilliant prosperity, she thought the least. But a suecds d’estime is soon exhausted. Unless she conducts her business on purely business lines, delivers her goods when they are wanted, and, for her own protection, sends in her accounts as they fall due, and looks carefully after their payment, her customers and her profits will fall away. But if she attends strietly to business herself, or engages a good business woman to assist her, and orders her affairs in accordance with the dictates of |a proper self-interest, she is almost certain to do well, and to reap the reward of those who face the world without flinching, and fight the battle of life sturdily and with an honest os, Stina paintu e, Some painful |moments may fall to her lot. It may be that i a crowded assem- blage of wealth and fashion she may see one of her masterpieces in the dress-making art torn into shreds under the elu Cabinet Minister, or a Duchess ma i of her latest oe in floral — Or nincompoop may, in his ignorance cast aspersions on the general character and behaviour of Pil he bec hen. And it may be that friends, after a prolonged period of non-payment, will desert her, and speak ill of her business. But she will be able to console herself for these and similar bitternesses by the knowledge that on the whole the world honours those who battle against ill- fortune without complaint far above the y crowd of spongers who strive to batten without effort on the ¢rumbs that fall from the tables of the rich. hee! of a y in her hearing ion. , some brainless ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER’S VISIT TO THE CITY. WELL, we are jest a going for to have a fine time of it in the old Citty, we are! On the werry tenth of next month, which this year happens for to be Jewly, we are a going for to receeye to Lunshon, quate in a frendly way, the perer and the Hempress of al! JERMANY, not forgitting Hellygoland which we so kindly guv ’em larst year, and, in addi- shun, about twenty other princes and princesses from differing forren parts, as has all agreed for to cum at the same time to do ’em honour, and as if that wasn’t quite enuff for one day the noble Prince of WHaxes, and the butiful Princess of WHALES, and all the Royal Family, will be werry much “hall there” for to re- ceeve ’em and shew ’em praps the luvlyest site in Urope, wiz., the butiful Gildhall made into a bower of roses, and covered with reel dammarsk tablecloths from top to bottom, and them all covered with such a fairy-like Lunshun as makes my pore old mouth water ony fost to think upon! .There’s one thing as I’m _ afraid as His Himperial Madjesty will be werry angry at, and that is, as they ain’t a oing for to make him free of the City, which is one of them grate onners as all the celibryties of the World pines for. Brown says it ain’t commy fo, as the French says, but Brown don’t know everythink, tho’ he is a trying his werry best to learn a few German words in case the Hemperer asks him for sumthink to eat, such as a The best of the fur is that he acshally spells sour, sauer! I ain’t not a pertickler good speller myself, but I reely shoud be artily ashamed of sich a tiunder as that. The pore Committee, as has to see to hewerythink, begins for to look jest a little pail and worryed—and who can wunder at it, for I’m told as they is amost torn to peaces with applications for Tickets, tho they ony has two a-peace for their friends, and won’t have one for theirselves, bat will have to walk about all the time of the Luneh, with their long sticks of office, to see as ounrbony em theirselves is nice and cumferal, and got plenty to eat and drink. And, torking of drink, jest reminds me of the tasting Committee, pore fellers! who has got for to go to all the werry best Wine sellers in the Citty, to taste all their werry best, wines, and decide which, of every kind and description, they shall select for their himperial royal gests. Why it’s amost enuff to give ’em all hedakes for the rest of their nateral lives. I don’t know of any further arrangements as is quite finally settled, so praps 1 may have jest a few lines to add nex week, Ropert. QUEER QUERIES.—A Frmsr Reaprxe.—Would some person kindly inform me of a good Recitation for a Smoking Concert’ 1 have been asked to recite “ something telling” after the annual banguet of a Club of local Licensed Victuallers. I am thinking of the First Book of Paradise Lost. Or would parts of The Excursion be more likely to create a Sarees ? I have never recited in public before, and feel rather doubtful of my ability to “hold” the Victuallers.—WILLINe To OBLIGE.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——-* **I say, Brut, GENTLE SATIRE. Look ‘ere! ‘Ere'’s a O_p Cove out Recorp-Breakinc |" “THE DILEMMA.” An old Irish Story newly applied. ) “On which horn of the dilemma will the Glad- stonians elect to stand?"—Mr. Chamberlain, in his controversy with Sir W. Harcourt on the place of Home Rule in the Gladstoman programme. Faithful Unionist Sentry, loquitur :— Farra! yes, a dilemma, no doubt, is the thing To stagger Big Bounce, in a fashion Socratic. I fancy | know how to plant a sharp sting, The success of my bayonet-play is emphatic. Remember a picture I once chanced to see, A Pompeian sentinel od at a portal, And “faithful to death” though fire threatened. That's Me! As my country’s defender, my fame is immortal. Yes, the Sentinel’s ré/e suits my style passing well ding. The enemy won't find me napping or nod- But what I most like as I do sentry spell, Is the fine opportunity offered for—prod- ding ! I watch like a lynx, as a sentry should do, With an eye like a hawk, and a smile sweet as syrup; But when there’s a chance for a thrust— whirraroo My bayonet-point is agog for a stir up! Jor, the Spotey, you know, like Joe Bagstock, is Siy, Ay, “* devilish profanely. That swashbuckler H-rc-rt now, swaggering there why, The big burly Bobadil 's acting insanely. sly,”"—if I may speak I do like to draw him. These ramparts are | + Well, leave him behind, then, and come on | mine, alone !”— But because we're old comrades he cheeks| Eh! ‘* Captive won’t let you?” That's m As cads Your trophy, “‘ Home Rule,” has an incubus | e. ‘* Woa, Ewma!” just what I told you! used to shout. I extremely incline To tickle him up with—a two-horned | grown ; Dilemma ! | He’s got you, my friend, and, my faith, | : F e will you. “Well, W ILLIAM, what cheer?” He is | ’Tis Pappy’s Dilemma all over again, __ struggling out there ; _. | Only you’re the true Pat. You can’t take | With a—Snark; ‘tis a Boojum which it or leave it. vain: | _ fhortly may vanish. — Your triumph was futile, your struggles are Like Frankenstein's, his is a Monster, I| Mine’s the Sentinel’s eye, and you cannot | fear, ‘ deceive it. He — did he dare -be delighted to [Left chortling, but still *‘ on duty.” nish. : That big ‘‘ Home-Rule ” Bogey, my Bobadil, | seems | A “‘ handful” with which you are destined to struggle, Which darkens your days as it haunts all | your dreams ; Which you cannot get rid of by force or by juggle. You're got him, you say ? Well, then, bring him along! Ha! ha! Says “he can’t!” ceedingly funny ! It is very hard when your “‘ captive”’s strong | He won't do your bidding for love or for money. Like Samson he leads his Detrian a dance Like Pat’s prisoner—all know the old Irish story— He won't give his captor a ghost of a chance. Such . prisoners” do mar their conqueror’s glory. “NOTHING SUCCEEDS LIKE”— SUCCESSION ? “ Supply—Army Estimates.” GenEnat FRasER—not a phraser clearly — Military grumbling vents sincerely ; House won’t listen, and the cruel 7imes Summarised his tale of woes and crimes, As—great Czsar!—* a few observations.” TANNER, always great on such occasions, Intimates that it is his impression Soldiers are ** succeeding in succession ” In the interest of more Expense. Well, *‘ economists” make stir immense, But in spite of most Draconic manner, Hardly ever seem to save—a ** tanner.” So that one is prone to think indeed, In succession they do not—** succeed ! ” That's ex- 80 ** A Leooe vr.”’—The new Bishop of Licu- FIELD.

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ee ———__—__—— — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 4, 1891. ay wee Hi tl \ | A yyyeeri ptt I —— — “THE DILEMMA.” (NEW ADAPTATION OF AN OLD IRISH STORY.) H-ne-rt. “ HILLO, JOE! I’VE GOT HIM!” Cu-ms-ri-x. ‘ALL RIGHT; BRING HIM ALONG THEN!” H-rc-rt. “BUT HE WON’T COME!” Cu-ms-ki-y. ‘‘ THEN LEAVE HIM, AND COME AWAY!” “BUT HE WON'T LET ME!!!" H-nre-Rrrt.

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| | spirit o Jury 4, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 9 | VOCES POPULI. DILATORY DINNERS, Scene—The Grounds of 3 certain Exhibition. On this particular | evening, there has been a slight hitch in the culinary arrange- | ments, and the relations between the Chef and the Waiters are apparently strained. Enter an Egotistic Amphitryon, followed | by a meek and youthful Guest. The Egotistic Amphitryon (concluding an harangue). Well, all I’ve got to say is I’ve been here half-an-hour—(with a bitter sense of the ee of the situation)—waiting about for You!! (They seat themselves at one of the little tables under the verandah.) Oh, you're going to sit that side, are you? It’s all the same to me, except that there’s a confounded draught here which—well, you’re young, and these things don’t affect you—or oughtn’t to. (They exchange sides.) We shall have to hurry our dinner now, if we mean to hear anything of the music. That was the reason I expressly told you seven sharp. | Here, Waiter! (Waiter presents a carte, and stands ty with a’ proud humility.) Now, what are you going to have? (7o Guest.) Vou don’t mind? I hate to hear a man say he doesn’t care what he | eats—he ought to care, he must care. What do you say to this—| ‘* Potage Bisque d’écrivisses; Saumon Sauce Hollandaise ; Brim- | borions de veau farcis 4 l’imprévu ; Ducklings and green peas; New Potatoes; Salad’? Simple and, ah, satisfying. (To Water. Let us have that as sharp as you can; do you hear ? | Waiter. Quick? Yes, I dell em. (He hurries off. The E. A. Hang the fellow, he’s forgotten the wine! (To Guest.) What will you drink ? The Guest (thinks tt will look greedy tf he suggests champagne). Oh—er—whatever you’re going to drink. The E. A. Well, I’m going to have a glass of champagne myself. I want it after all this worry. But if you prefer beer (consider- ately), say so. (The Guest, in a propitiation, prefers beer.) Well, m5 could Rane — Z | aged a bottle of Pommery be- | tween us, and it’s never so good | to my mind in the pints — but | our | | please yourself, of course. [The Guest feels that his mode- ration has missed fire, but dares not retract ; they sit in silence | for some time, without anything of importance happening, except that a strange Waiter swoops down and carries away | their bread-basket. A Meek Man (at an adjoining table, who, probably for family reasons, ts entertaining his Sister-in-law, a lady with an aquiline nose and remarkably thick eyebrows.) You know, Horatra, I call this sort of thing very jolly, having dinner like this in the fresh air, eh ? ( He rubs his hands under the table. | Horatia (aeidly). It may be so, Aveustrvs, when we do have it. | At present we have been sitting here fifteen minutes, and had nothing but fresh air ies, and, as I don’t pretend to be a| Chameleon myself, why-— [She fans herself vigorously. Augustus. Well, you know, my dear, we were warned that the trout en papillotes might take some little time. I suppose (with mild jocularity) —it’s a fashionable fish—wants to come in with a ** little head sunning over with curls,” as the poet says. : Horatia. Please ‘don't make jokes of that sort—unless you wish to destroy the little appetite I have left! ee (penttently). Never mind aiter at last. Yeu we're all right! [The Waiter puts a dish down upon another table, and advances with the air 7 a family Sriend who brings bad tidings. Horatia. Will you kindly let us have that trout at onee ? The Waiter (bending down to AvGustvs with pity and sympathy). Fery er. to dell you, esbecially after keebin you so long vaiting, hot (thinks how he can break it most gently) ve haf zo many beople | hier to-day, and zey haf shust dold me in ze gitchen zere is no more | drout. Zis hote vedder ze drout, he vill nod stay ! Augustus (mildly). No, of course not—well, let me see, now, what can you P The E. A. Here, you Kellner, eome here, can’t you ? What the—— Waiter (to Aveustus). Von minute. I gom back bresently. © (Zo E. A.) You vant your pill, Sir, yes ? The E. A. (exploding). My bill! Confound it! thing to eat first. When is that Bisque coming ? : Waiter. Ach, peg your bardon, ve haf peen so pusy all day. Your Bisque vill pe retty diregly. I go to vetch him. (He goes. —I yon’t do it again. Here’s I want some- Horatia. Now we're farther off from getting any food than ever! I suppose you mean to do something, Avevustvs ? Augustus. Of course—certainly. I shall speak very strongly. (Bleating.) Waiter! Horatia (with scorn). Do you imagine they will pay the least attention to a noise like a sixpenny toy? Let them see you insist upon being obeyed. Augustus. 1 am—I mean, I will—I am very much annoyed. (Fiercely.) Wa-ai-ter! A Stern Waiter (appearing suddenly.) You vant somsing, Sir ? Augustus (apologetically). Yes ; we should—er—like something to eat—anything—so long as you can bring it at once, if you don’t mind. We—this Lady is rather in a hurry, and we've waited some little time already, you see. The Waiter. Peg your bardon, zis is nod my daple. I send your Vaiter. He vanishes. The E. A. Scandalous! over twenty minutes we've been here! Ha! at last! (4 Waiter appears with a tureen, which he uncovers.) Here, what do you call this ? No? I dake him Waiter, Grote au Bot—you order him, yes ? away ! (He whisks it away, to the chagrin of Guest, who thought it smelt nice. E. A. Lordered Bisque—where is it ? and I want some wine, too—a pint of Pommery ’84, and a small lager. If they’re not here very soon, I ’1|—— The Guest (trying to make the best of things). Nothing for it but | patience, I suppose. The E. A, (with intention), sat down, I can tell you! I had very little of that left before I | A Sarcastic and Solitary Diner. Waiter, could you spare me one moment of your valuable time ? (The Waiter halts trresolutely. It is so long since I had the plea- | sure of speaking to you, that you | may possibly have forgotten that about three-quarters of an hour ago I ventured to express a pre- ference for an Entreedte aux nommes de terre with a_half- vottle of Beaune. Could you | give me any idea how much longer | those rare dainties may take in preparing, and in the meantime enable me to support the pangs of starvation by procuring me the favour of a penny roll, if | am not trespassing too much upon your good-nature [The Waiter, in a state of extreme mystification and alarm, departs to inform the Manager. The BE. A.’s Waiter (reappearing with a small plated bowl, champagne bottle and glass of lager.) I regred fery moch to haf to dell you zat zere is only shust —- Bisque for von berson. F He bows with well-bred concern. The E. A. Confound itall! (To inet} Here, you'd better take this, now it’s here. Afraid of it, eh ? Well, Bisque is apt to disagree with some people. (Zo Waiter.) Give it to.me, and bring this gentleman some gravy soup, or whatever else you have ready. (He | busies himself with his Bisque, while the Guest, in pure absence of mind, drinks the champagne with which the Waiter has filled his glass.) Here, what are you doing? J didn’t order lager. (Pereceives the mistake.) Oh, you’ve changed your mind, have you? (70 Guest.) All right, of course, only it’s.a pity you couldn’t say so at | once. (To Wi Another pint of Pommery, and take this lager | stuff away. (Exit W.; the unfortunate Guest, in cheat to pass | the bottle, contrives to decant it into his host's soup.) Hullo, what | the—there—(controlling himself). You might have left me the soup, | at all events! Well—well—it’s no use saying any more about it. I suppose I shall get something to eat some day. i (General tumult from several tables ; appeals to the Waiters, who lose their heads and upbraid one another in thetr own tongue ; Honatia threatens bitterly to go in search of buns and lemonade at a Refreshment Bar. Sudden and timely appearance of energetic Manager ; explanations, apologies, promises. Magic and instantaneous tion of everybody's dinner. Appetite and anger appeased, as Scene closes in. N.B.—Mr. Punch wishes it to be understood that the above sketch is not intended as a reflection upon any of the deservedly popular restaurants existing at present in either exhibition. Leagan Axp Mrerrary.—“ Ancient Lights.’’—Retired Lancers.

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‘H, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ; ‘ es rtp i A ER A LY A Ri at ee a a 2 elt c — Ps PT ta oo ey ge - * “odie PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS.

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Jury 4, 1891.] PUNCH, OR L ONDON CHARIVARI.

MEDICINAL MUSIC, (A Growl from a “‘ Quiet Street,”’) [“ There is a disposition just now to revive discussion upon a very old subject, namely the curative influence of Music in cases of mental and bodily disease.” — Daily Telegraph.) Curative Music? Just as well expect An eT from Demogor- | Some felts there be, no doubt, who would detect ——. influence in a barrel- | A febrifage | in a flat German Band A proph lactic in a street-piano! | Some ery a mancan understand, But Music ll not take, even cum grano. 4 I don’t believe what classic noodles | That Music stopped the hemor- | rhage of ULYsses ; That Caro’s stiffened joints attained | free play From harmony of sounds. Sock ‘rot’ sense hisses. I’d just as soon believe the Theban walls Were twangled into place by young Amphion. Bah! Minds made sane by Music’ 8 scrapes and squalls ? Not mine, =, though’ the lyre-thrum- | ber were Arion. | Drums, trumpets, fiddles, organs— | all are my And vocal fireworks are far worse | than vanity. Stop, though! J’m sane, and they | just drive me m S80 Music may drive sanity ! nt j ; ' ‘Ny Mi! Ms i il “i 4 will mm I] Al idiots into | HERE, ALGY. Algy. ‘‘ ALL RIGHT, OLp M Distinguished Amateur (with good Method but small Voice, suddenly jumping up from Piano). I DO CALL IT BEASTLY BAD FORM FOR YOU wast | | , 1 Vil minh ies i | =a ilates iui AL? * 4 ont. eee } Mai AT A SMOKING CONCERT. ** Look AND Sixes To TALK WHEN I'm Siyerne ! AN—AWFULLY SORRY—DIDN'T KNOW YoU WERE SINGING, you KNow!”

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Tuceday, June 23, 12°15 a.m.—House just adjourned ; a little dazed by shock of narrow escape from grievous | danger. Been at it through greater part of night. debating Second | Reading of Education Bill. Jvutivs ’Annipat Picton led off with | speech of fiery eloquence. The Saurmg of MaLwoop declares he never listens to J. A. P. without an odd oe there have been Both his a and his gestures are, he says, too large for him. But that, as ALGERNON BorTHWICK shrewdly points out, is professional jealousy supervening on the arrogance of excessive stature. e Sevier, though not lacking in moods of abear a rival in the oratorical turned out differently to-night, joyed the advantage of ssin favourable hour, whilst its withers were yet un- wrung. But Jotrvs ’AnNrBaL has not studied his great ancestor’s strategy for nothing. As soon as —— Reading of Education Bill appeared on the pa he romped in, and put down Amendment. Ne move it ; didn’t mean to move it; doesn’t move it; but he gets first place i cipal Debate of Session, misfits. —_ he ~~» ht oe en- in and shows or aw my of it by the luminous | argument and oration. It wasn’t that the House was disturbed about. The particular incident arose a quarter of an hour before midnight, when CraNBORNE suddenly , and m Adjournment of Debate. bowled him and others over in the earlier part of the Sitting; but there was a second night, and | had the Horr of | determined he would co! — Hee the piption for Aone bine fo- . n accordance with usage, have Sir Sigernon. one cepted a ball J wi the House met again once more, fresh, and in t< mood to listen. But Joxms objected to losing the uarter of an hour. e can,” he said, pleasantly, ‘‘ bear another speech.” almost satenate eloquence of his Md "Hed things cannot | ouse at this | All right ; Cransorye only a private Member, and modest withal ; not the person to argue with his pastors and masters. So re sumed his seat. If they wanted to use up the time, let some one else speak | through the quarter of an hour. Had things been so left, the listen- ing Senate and the waiting world would never have heard Cran- | BORNE in this Debate. As the Speaker gently pointed out to him, having moved the Amendment he had exhausted his privilege of | speaking. He might sustain his thesis at any length, or, being on his legs, might continue the Debate without insisting on his Motion for the Adjournment. But he must speak now, or for ever hold his | tongue as for as the Debate was concerned. This was awkward, but no help for it; so CranBorne plunged in and talked up to midnight, when the Debate stood adjourne Business done. —fennd Reading of Education Bill moved. Tuesday.—Another night with Education Bill. Position rather peculiar ; everyone, or nearly everyone, in state of frantic adulation | of the measure ; and yet everyone passing the cradle in which the | infant slumbers gives ita sly pinch. Here and there a Ministerialist ets up and honestly denounces a Bill embodying principle which | Gonecsvatives been led for generations to denounce. Bartiey last ’ night made capital speech in this sense. To-night Lawrence bluntly | declares his regret that good Tories should be asked to support t | principles which they, under their present Leaders, violently opposed | ‘at General Election’ of 1885. Apprson blandly and Bey wid attempts to stem this growing torre nt of discontent. ** The change of opinion on this side of the House,” he said, hitching on one side an imaginary wig, clutching at an , ee reeptible gown, and turning over the pages of an impalpable brie is owing to the fact that circumstances and times have altered. It is the duty of states- men,” —and here ADDISON, like another Fat Boy known to history, wisibly swelled,—** to adapt themselves to the necessities of the Baad | case. ME mer speaking from the Bench immediatel behind Appisor, tience with this kind of argument. ix years I’ve sat this House, Mr. Spgaxenr,” he said, “‘ and during that time have ona: measures which we Conservatives have been encouraged, almost instructed, to denounce, cordially received by our and passed into law. For my » | cannot flourish on this diet of broken pledges. One might cat of it now and then, but when contingally invited to the same dish, it becomes a little monotonous.’

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12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Juny 4, 1891. Oxo Moratrry happily out of the way of hearing all this. Gone and wisely left no address. People walking along Downing find written over the door at the Treasury, ‘* Back in Ten That's all; neither date nor hour specified. Ten minutes on Otp Moratrry comes not. But he sometimes com- municates with his most intimate friends. Have this morning a e from him, | send these few lines,” he writes, ‘‘ hoping they will find you well they leave meatpresent. Talking about lines, mine have fallen in pleasanter places than yours, or Joxrm’s chance to bejust now. Some people are inclined to deny me the faculty of humour. But I think the merry-go-rounder of leaving Joxtm in chargeof the Free Educa- tion Bill is pretty well for a beginner. Everyt must have a com- mencement. Now I’ve started | may in time become a regular losepm® Munuen. Exeuse my not mentioning my present address, ind be sure that wherever I am, I am animated solely by desire to , my duty to Queen and Country, and to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the House, they may sit. i want to write to me, address ‘Myr. Surrn, England.’ I have son to believe that so perfect is the machinery of the Post Office nder the direction of my Right Hon. friend, that the missive thus lireeted will not fail to reach its destination.” Business done.—On Second Reading of Education Bill. Thursday.—An old acquaintance looked in at Lobby to-night. When he was here, we used to call him Love Lawrence. Now he is one of Her Masesty’s Judges, and | we must behave to him as such. “How're you gettin Towy ?” he said, just as friendly as if | he were on je -~ : ‘‘As your Ludship pleases,” I replied, too old Parliamentary Hand to be | inveigled into familiarity by his unas- oft Street M not utes and on here, | suming manner. Fact is, as, on his further entreaty, I proceeded to explain to the learned Judge, we are getting on very well indeed. Truce been called in party conflict, and is strictly observed. Mr.G. is absent on sick leave—not keeping out of the way of Education Bill, as some will have it. Otp Moratiry back to-night ; came down in a penny *bus, in final effort to elude discovery of his place of recent retreat. Panr- NELL also absent; news comes to- night that his business is matrimonial ; graphic accounts current of his expe- dition *‘in a one-horse vehicle” from Brighton to Steyning. ** If,” says his Ludship, fresh from a Criminal Court, ** he had been com- mitting a burglary, and was getting off with the loot in the one-horse 0’ Shay, he could not have taken fuller precautions to evade pursuit.” At first some doubt as to truth of story. Been rumoured often before. Then comes, in special edition of evening paper, the detail : The ceremony being concluded, Mr. and Mrs. Parwetr drove rway in the direction of Bramber, Mrs. Parwers taking the whip , | ww in . Ah!” said Diex Power, “that’s Krrry, and no mistake. She always takes the whip and reins. Bet yon three to one the k's don - Sevrre of Matwoop faithful at his post, but he, too, observant of the Truce. Everyone tired to death of dullest Session ever lived through, and chiefly anxious to bring it to an end. Business done.—In Committee of Supply. Friday.—In Lords to-night, Irish Land Purchase Bill read ond Time, after series of essays delivered by half dozen Peers. Point of honour not to take less than one hour in delivery. Dery brought down his contribution nicely written out on quarter sheets. Whilst Asunourne declaiming, Dersy seized opportunity to read peech over to himself. This all very well if he had strictly d out intention, but, when he grew so interested in it as to mumble passages in an audible voice, situation grew embarrassing. At last Kiween.ey, who sat near, gently nudged him. ‘One at a time, my dear Dexsy,” he whispered. ‘We know you're ac- customed to dual action. Dagny and Joay, you know; but won't do here. Deney blushed, and thrust manuscript in pocket till his turn | came, when he had the pleasure of reading it aloud. Business done. —\rish Land Bill through Lords; Public Health | Bill in Commons. Long tr ~ If| | MISS NOMER. Now why was The Dancin Girl ever call The Dancing Girlatall? As a matter of fact she never i dance, and from last week’s ad- vertisements we find that she has been ** running”’ A ever since her ’ first appearance. Now she’s off for another run in the provinces, and then back again. Quite a theatrical illus- tration of the sporting term | ‘running in and | out.” And when Mr. Berrsoum Tree is in the provinces he is to appear as the Prince of Denmark, THE PURCHASE-OFFICERS’ GUIDE TO THE ARMY. . (Arranged in Question and Answer Form.) Question. I may take it that the backbone of the British Army (especially in the time of peace) are those commissioned warriors who obtained admission to the Service by paying for their footing? Answer. Indeed you may. Q. And, at the time when these warriors were admitted, I fancy the scientific branches of the Force (the ‘*Gunners” and the ‘* Sappers ’’) were rather looked down upon than otherwise ? A. Certainly, for you see they obtained their Commissions by brains, and not through money-bags. : Q. And now you Raab to complain that the Generals’ Establish- ment has been reduced from 275 to 68 ? r A. A scandal and ashame! For this means that only a certain number of us can hope to wear sashes round the waist, instead of hanging down from the left shoulder. abe. Q. Does not promotion by selection, instead of ‘seniority, cause you also considerable loss ? A. Unquestionably. The Purchase Officer had a right to that once gazetted he would go up to the top of the tree, always supposing he was able to pay his way like an officer and a gentle- man. Q. Is it not also sad that Officers who accept half-pay should be called upon to serve in the Auxiliary Forces ? A. Not only sad, but confoundedly undignified. Q. And do you not object to your condition generally ? A. Yes, certainly. And let me tell you the subject is the burning one of the hour! Q. And what do you think of other matters affecting the welfare of the Army ? A. That they are merely details that can safely wait indefinitely the consideration of the Authorities! THE “ WHETHER” AND THE PARKS. To ask The Ranoer and the Right Honourable Mr. PLuNKEt, or ‘* Plunketto,” as the name appears m the opera of Marta— Whether there cannot be some improvement made in that 1 onan Slough known as Rotten tow ? Whether Kensington Gardens, now sacred to nursery-maids and their charges, and a few loungers, couldn't be opened up with one or two good rides right across, and a few inter- - secting bridle-paths, after the fashion > “ of the Bois de-Boulogne, and thus a oe relieve the monotony of the Ww, = which. is’ getting more more Rotten after every shower, and more and more crowded every summer ? —— Whether, as every equestrian is rightly complaining, something cannot be done in time. for season of 1892 ? _ ¢> NOTICE. —Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. To this rule

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juur 4, 1891. DESTINY, OR TO LIVE FOR THIS DAY ONLY! ALCHOLIC DRINKS, TOBACOO, H ijueurs, and brandies, are all very apt to bee of ENO’S “ FRUIT SALT” is invalid on the right track to health. A 66 GYPT, CAIRO.—Since my arrival in a been, however, eomy Heartfelt int i od ele, Sy any emergency. me a great of Humenreys, Post Office, Barrasford. hear SECRET OF SUCCESS.—Sterlin A score of abominable imitations are W TO AVOID THE INJURIOUS EFFECTS OF STIMULANTS. stances, alcoholic drinks, and an insufficient amount of exercise—frequently deranges th ' to exercise great care in the use of aleoholic drinks, avoid , and always dilute largely with water. Experience shows that porter, mild ales, port while light white wines, and gin or whiskey largely diluted with seltzer or other pure mineral waters, weakness of the liver ; of woes is avoided by EN Sir, gratefully yours, a Conronat, 1 TO ALL LEAVIN It prevents and ding much money without finding any bertéfft, I by a frieml to try food and Sow I am veskored t0 my usm) health; au T know that have tried 1 have Diséiphne anh AND poodle pt RE arity, one of t for the Self-Denial the Best in this dace nh aay passing over his head, and appeals to satis ions of a gros# nature, but prompt and Highest —"Tf he has not some for art, a passion for Mstinct, begins to live certain. They will kill him perhaps, but what is it that does not in the long run kill? And since men must ve to what it whether ike whether the short cut is not all the best ?” d be reached a little soonér th by whatever road they take, why not select the pleasantest; and Of @ littlé later? Who knows even “* And such is human life, so gliding on; It glimmers like a meteor, and is gone!” “What higher Aim can Man attain than Conquest over Human Pain?” lor any constitutional those who keep and use my restoration a impels me Hate, 722. £8 fecotmhmend: he liver. the umserupuleus, who, in upon legal rights, exercise an ingenuity that, employed in an original channel, could not fail to secure reputation and ‘The present wers of reparation when vsseanes the T,”’ therefore no family it pe 0's “FRUIT to add my Hussars.—Mr. J. C. Exo—May 26, 1883.” the original closely to 1 profit.”’"—Apaus. of living— partaking of too rich foods, as I would advise all bilious people, unless they are careful to keep the liver acting freely, , saccharine and fi sub- wine, dark sherri will eweet champagne, ? — be a ~ ee r= i ion has been distur’ places the should ever be without — in August last, I have on three occasions been attacked by fever, from which on the first I lay in hospital for six weeks. The last ina short of time by the use of your valuable ‘ FRUIT SALT,’ to which I owe my health, at testimony, and in so doing I fed that I am but obeying the dictates iG@E.— Don't go without # bottle of ENO’S “FRUIT SALT.” It ought to be kept in every bed-room, in in the early stages. om H.—“ After suffering for nearly two and a half years from severe headache and disordered stomach, and after tryi H=®4DACHE AND DESCRU See SE AC Sanmer your ‘FRUIT BALT,’ and before I had finished ome bottle I found not enjoyed such good health for years.~Yours most truly, Ro it. very uty. — almost tt dving ’ PERT Honesty of Purpose. Without it Life is a Sham !—“ A new invention is brought before the public, and commands success. Imtrodiucek by copying deceive the public, and yet nut so exactly as to infringe The value of ENO’S “ FRUIT SALT ’”’ cannot be told. Its success in Europe, Asia, Africa, America, and Australia, proves it. CAUTION.—Eawamine each Bottle, and see that the Ospoule is marked EN@'S “ FRUIT SALT.” Without it, you have been imposed upon by a hless imttation. Sold by all Chemists, PREPARED ONLY AT ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” WORKS, LONDON, S.E., BY J. C. ENO’S PATENT, CURIOUS OLD HICHLAND WHISKIES Ago. . « 7 10 15 & 2 years in wood. Price per dos. 48/¢ G0/- 72/- 120/- An eminent A mending the modératé tisé of that on no account should Whisky unless it is well matured. in : recom- A | Detailed List pn MOREL BAOS,, COBBETT & SON LIMITED), 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 148, REGENT ST. Whisky Bondéd Stofes, Inverness, N.B. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY WRIGHT Si: == COAL TABLETS « SOAP REC at 0 “ow ‘ CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE FRY’S PURE COCOA “! considér it a véry tek, deliciows Oocta.”—W. H. R. STANLEY, &.D. THE G. B. DIABETES WHISKY Contains ne Sugar. Is not stored in Sherry Casks. | Tor DIABETES, GOUT, & KIDNEY COMPLAINTS. | “Certainly seems to deserve its name." —Lasecerr 48s. per Doz. | CARRIAGE PAID. | GEO. BACK & CO., | Devonshire Square, London. 0. EXSHAW & 60'S BRANDY. per ts in Caste as imported T. W. Srarittos & Co., ME, Regent Street, W. ' AIR PERFECTLY HARMLESS. Bvuld by Perfumers Chemists throughout the World gents: BR. MOVENDEN & SONS, Loxnox re MAIL Tr Ne ( f NARDS’ a 1O0 Drink GEROLSTEIN BEFORE BREAKFAST. Drink CEROLSTEIN | AND WHISKEY AFTER BREAKFAST Drink GEROLSTEIN AND RED WINE FOR DINNER ‘Drink GEROLSTEIN | AND WHISKEY AFTER DINNER /'GEROLSTEIN COMPANY, | ____ 158, CHEAPSIDE. USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES. “= BEST FOOD INFANTS. In Tins, Is., 2s., 5s., anid 108. each. SAVORY & MOORE, rowoon, AND SOLD EVERYWHERE. $ Waters Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. BEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF BOTH Rr» AND BROWN LADErs. ZA Exquisite Model. Perfect Pit, Quarastesd Wear PATENT DIAGOWAL SEAM GORSET. Will not the Reams nor tear in the Fabric. ‘The mot cm corset ever made” Lawr'’s Pict in ta, k, and fachhunable Colours , oF Ttatan Cloth, Satin, aud Coutil, aleo in U and Ladies Outfitters in the Taare Coto Menats, united hingdom & colonies

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jouur 4, 1891. “‘Pinolia Soap. PUREST. SAFEST. BEST. ‘* An ideal Soap, delightfully perfumed.”— Chemist and Druggist. “(Of unquestionable excellence, and much in favour with the profession.”"— British Medical Journal. “(No free alkali, distinct excess of free fat. Odour delicate, and the article of excellent quality.”’—Lancet. ‘* Excellent from its purity, lathers freely, and is very lasting.””— Queen. Floral, 6¢d.; Balsamic, 8d.; Otto Toilet, 10d.; Vestal, 2s. 6d. per Tablet; Shaving Sticks, 1s., 1s. 6d.; Flat Cakes, 2s.; and Vinolia Shaving Foam, 1s. 6d. FACE SPOTS. ——_ ECZEMA. TOILET. (H— NURSERY. FACE SPOTS. ECZEMA. TOILET. [Vince NURSERY. FACE SPOTS. ff \rioosc ECZEMA. TOILET. [eigo== NURSERY. FACE SPOTS. J Neus? ECZEMA. TOILET. = ime NURSERY. FOR ITCHING, SUNBURN, INSECT BITES,| FOR TOILET, NURSERY, TENDER FEET, FACE SPOTS, &c. &e. “ For acne spots on the face, and particularly for eczema, it is undoubtedly | “ Superseding, the old toilet powders, which sre apt to cause acne spots on efficacious, frequently healing eruptions and removing pimples in a few days. | ; — Grams Ps It selieves itehing at once.” —Baby. the face by blocking up the pores of the skin.""—Lady's Pictorial, ls. Od., 3s. 6d., and 6s. per Box. | ls. Od., 3s. 6d., and Gs. per Box. CHANCERY LANE SAFE DEPOSIT FIRE-PROOF AND BURCLAR-PROOF STRONG ROOMS from 8 to Guineas. COLRIDOR OF STRONG ROOMS. PROSPECTUS AND CARD TO VIEW THE SAFES AND STRONG ROOMS POST FREE ON APPLICATION. 61 and 62, CHANCERY LANE, LONDON, W.C. Printed by William Stuart Smith, of No. 30, Loraine Road, Holloway, in the Parish of St. im the Middlesex, Offices of Messrs. Bradbury. Limited, “Lombard Strect, in the brecunct of Whiteiriare, in the City of London, and Pubiianed by bie ot he on, Doses tiosee te tas Pa ee City of London. Serennie Sey tan PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.