Punch 1891-04-04: Vol 100 Iss 2595

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Arau 4, 1891.

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MACMILLAN & ©O LONDON

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—— Ara 4, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 157 | MR. PUNCH’S POCKET IBSEN. to see your husband go out with Mus. Livpzn—from which, being a

of considerable penetration, I infer that he is about to give (Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless Ibsenite.} my post at the Bank. Now, as you owe me the { . watch 1 held gone cubpeuiolemeenh, gon oil tos the poubelaty No. I.—NORA; OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVOIT). | of tting a stop to this little game at once. Acr I. Son ut don’t ae a little Tome, 32 childish, A Room tastefully filled with cheap Art-furniture. Gimeracks in you know—why should ting upright on |” “an étagére; @ festoon of chenille monkeys hanging from the went I uy to =e rd n r the meanest ca . gasclier. Japanese fans, skeletons, cotton-ool spiders, frogs, | saatiorgl seourity, Your father hei and lizards, scattered everywhere about. Drain-pipes with tall official, heat y- ow her, bein dyed grasses. A celain stove decorated with transferable presumably, ha > fete tt to » if > 3 I pictures. Showily- d books in book-case. Window. The contlens ® of b you— wi havi penny, then, I, as Visitors bell rings in the hall outside, | The hall-door is heard | oh. ameee, taaiied upen hevng Sis siguatass to open, and then to shut, Presently Nona walks in with | “EY Ww we Norwegians are sharp fellows ! parcels; a Porter carries a@ large Christmas-tree after her— Kron Oh, you Se which he down. Nowra gives him a shilling—and he goes Ply fher hi out grumbling. Nona hums contentedly, and eats macaroons. vs Then HetmER puts his head out of his Manager's room, and | 1 Nora Aides macaroons cautiously. Helmer ( playfully). Is that my little squirrel twittering—that my lark frisking in ? Nora. Ess! (To herself.) I have only been married eight years, so these marital amenities have not yet had time to pall! Helmer (threatening with his finger). I hope the little bird has surely not been digging its beak \ VA) into any macaroons, eh ? re a i¥@ : Krooerap Nora ong one, and wiping yb < r= SE been taken in by it! | her mouth). No, most certainly - Fi . x says it’s wrong, the | not. (Zo herself.) The worst of ; | being so babyish is—one does have to tell such a lot of tara- diddles! (To H.) See what I’ve bought—it’s been such fun! ([Hums. Helmer (inspecting pore Ppa an expensive li rk! [Takes her playfully by the ear. Nora. Little te like to have a flutter occasionally, Which reminds me——(Plays with his coat-buttons.) I’m snch a simple iekle sing—but if you are think- ing of giving me a Christmas present, make it cash ! Helmer. Just like your poor father, he always asked me to make it cash—he never made any himself! It’s heredity, I suppose. Well—well ! (Goes back to his Bank, Noma goes on humming. Enter Mrs, Lunpen, doubt fully. Nora. What, Curistrxa—why, how old you look! But then| follows, y, that Kroesrap [rs ao pose. I’m not. TorvaLp has just been made a Bank| for years by acting a ane Ss enn anager. (Tidies the room.) Isn’t it really wonderfully delicious | hands to her.) I can’t a morally lost r to be well off P But, of course, you n’ . _Wewere poor| Nora, But,you never thought of dismissing him till Cuxiermms once, and, do you know, when TorvaLp wasill, I—(tossing her — | came! though I am such a frivolous little squirrel, and all that, I actually . Hm! I've got some business to attend to—2o good-bye, borrowed £300 for him to go abroad. Wasn't that clever? Tra-la-la! k! LGose into atee and s door. I shan’t tell you who lent it. I didn’t even tell Tonvarp. I am with shag If Kroesrap poisons his children beceuse such a mere baby I don’t tell him oars, f tell Dr. Rawk, | he once a 5 must be Emmy, and Bos, and though. Oh, I’m so awfully happy I should like to shout, ‘ Dash | Ivan, because J forged Papa’s ! (Short pause; she raises it all!” her head proudly.) After all, if I am « doll, I can still draw a Mrs. Linden (stroking her hair). Do—it is a natural and innocent | logical induction! I mustn’t play with the children any more— outburst—you are a 4 a child! But I am a widow, and want | (hotly)—I don’t care—I shall, though! Who cares for Knooeran ? employment. Do you think your husband could find mea place as| {She makes a face, choking with suppressed tears, as Curtain falls, clerk in his Bank? (Proudly.) I am an excellent knitter! , ; mre in moi aly in antl fay pm oe. pnts pach et ones *.) Torvaxp, is A; she wan a in your of rx, . x Bank—do let her! She thinks a lot of you, (To hereelf.) whether it is her own fault, or Hutuxn’s or Society’s, will be solved Another taradiddle ! in subsequent numbers. Helmer. She is a sensible woman, and deserves encouragement. Come along, Mrs. Lixpew, and we ’!] see what we can do for you. ee ws at the (He goes out through the hall with Mrs. L., and the front-door onthe is heard to slam after them.

. Nora. (opens door, and calls), Now, Eur, Ivan, and Bos, come mand have a romp with Mamma—we will play hide-and- (She gets under the table, emiling to quiet satisfaction; Kroostap 7m) enters—Nora pounces out wu . Boo! ... Oh, I beg your a a don't do this ki a of thing generally—though I may be y Krogstad (politely). Don’t mention it. I called because I happened

VOL, ¢, P

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158 __PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Aram, 4, 1891. FASCINATION ! “ ApoLLonrvs, by some probable conjectures, found her out to be a serpent, a Lamia ; and that all her furniture was, like Tantalus’s gold described by Hommn, ro substance, but mere illusion.’ *— Burton's Anatomy of Melancholy, Ke % bs eal pi iff ty ti b= | er ve y sll =a . ce 4 A Lamia, this? Nay, obvious coil, and hiss most unequivocal, Poor. Lrcrvs had excuse. Who might refase worship to Lami: betray the Snake ; * now a lady bright” ? As fell oll ophidan as in fierce meridian of Afric ever lurked in swamp But tet gh mane, Fasee. -eye |, a shape of fear, the serpent s‘ard to sight, And 3 yet Corinthian iM rcrvs never doted on the white-throated | A loathly thi 77 knotted ring on ring, of guise unlovely, and charmer of his soul infectious reath ; With blinder passion than our fools of Fashion And yet strong witchery draws to those wide jaws Feel for this gruesome ghoul. Whose touch is shameful death. —— > ~ns ==. eee

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Arnt 4, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. See how the my oy my (eee ni ’ 2 Sen ae eee =o be riflers of golden chali Butte triflers, gay- of lene dewerns ite Flitter end flatter in delirium utter, As drawn by wizard powers.. Oh, Prin Lady,’’ Summer coverts shady, the greenwood home, e y fields, -—- tbat where's the wit that mire-befouled to the emon ob, birds of Iie gitter sack: end bitter will be the webuning when those ga’ umes Yall erashed and as your senses deaden In poisonous Python fumes! Ye gobemouche creatures of batrachian features, who ‘‘ go a-wooing”’ such a fate as this, | Have ye no vision of that doom’s decision? Have ye no ear for rattle or for hiss ? Salammbé’s =a and enslavying, was sanity compared with your mad As well the swallow the fierce ames ight follow | wk be chased by dove! | Tantalus’ viii Lanes “tel held ani tian throw A wri fever fires each fool-believer in the gross glitter, the unholy glow. | Vile is your Dagon! Circe’s venomed embruted less than | doth the Lamia’s wine, ~— | Than Comus’ cup more perilous to to np As snakes are worse than swine. | The poet’s make o enehented, who so flaunted her borrowed robes amidst the daffodils, Hath piteous ion She, from Fate’s clutches, free some brief space, “* from s0 sore | Moves cur compecsion. But this fashion of Snake Enchanter looks unlovely all. Greed’s inspiration its sole Seatiegtion. Low selfishness its thrall. So the Sophist murmured low, and “ Lycrvs’ arms “ A Serpent!” were empty of delight, Lamia had ‘Would that some sage cool head, some modern APoLLonivs, with the mi rady banish thus the bestial Lamia of our y; Whose fe fascination draws a noble nation To sordid slow decay ! Dayter wor ‘iw rr” !—The Italian language is to be excluded from the Civil’Service Examination. ‘‘ The story is extant, and written in very choice Italian,” said Hamlet and SHAKSPEARE knew that the reference would be ‘intelligible to audience. a — to date” in this ‘‘ so-called nineteenth a Om compelled thus, ‘* The original story, I believe, with which pada us here are acquainted.” Bat, stor all, candidates may be inclined to adapt the Gilbert-Sullivan words and music to the occasion, and sing— “ So, in spite of all temptation,, At the next examination . They ‘ll bar I-tal-i-an!” Thoug! years hence, it may happen that "l) be sorry weren't ‘compelled to get up Italian as one of dhe Tahjocts. ase “O Woman, mx Ovr Hove or Ease!”—which line would make & suitable motto for our very useful, cha’ contemporary entitled Woman. 4 Lovage one in the above-mentioned publica ed be pen - hy of it ie is “ Mwriniles””” “Wonlda't ispers”’ is quite vonen, toa with lines, but it’s too bed that. iene deoald to she is yet so young. “ CHARLES ovR FRrenp. ”"—Onee again occurs an illustration of of Dick In gees Shay Sr et) ve observed, | bad written “ T Say BEATUS POSSIDENS. “I’ve come azout A Jon, I BEARD THERE WAs A Boy WANTED.” “On, YOU "ZARD AS THERE was A Boy WANTED, DID yer? TaEn you "RE JUsT TOO LATE, ‘cos Mastzx 's soorsp |” WANTED FOR THE ETON LOAN COLLECTION. ts ales abe (Suggested by a Merry Balt-wellar used for holding the Salt at Montem time. from an Eton “ Sock” shop. 's Hat, with motto, ‘‘ Sub Tegmine al m” 8. Portraits of Eminent \ Bitters” on Fourth of June and Election Saturday in the early ob "orignal century. 9. Seull of a “* Wet-Bob” pf 3: eee A spy Gores ont signed) of another boy’s verses. (N.B. wt Fertraig ot eminent, Landlors who, acting on Suexrpan’s vice, ve “ u topher ” 12. Also, it, with io and Sane of the crabbed old Thames Waterman, on the river as “ Surly Hat.” Any fut that be t to ill be entire! ool Any Sine Deketof Five and others interested in promoting | interesting exhibition .} at the most A Posuisuer axp ms Farenps.—In order to worthily celebrate onal o bythe rin all the pub general of this most interestin successful work LF ee ay ves of the sree bi firm of Munnar opulat retrain, We a, with Be " cing in heres the case popaier aa aeeee dant, oo ann, 0 mm, wo are!” To Tose rr may Concenn.—I y to several nts, f- . salaries aod nanan been told that Wixxre Genzame

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169 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aram 4, 1891, THE WAY OF WESTMINSTER. (A Story of the Parliamentary Bar.) “You will not forget, Sir,” said my excellent and admirable clerk, | becoming “that to-morrow you have to appear before a Committee of the House of Commons, in the matter of the Glogs weller Railway Extension ?” I glanced somewhat Paty at Portrweron, but was gratified to “ Certainly, Sir,” replied my clerk. *“ But, I acquiesced, somewhat unwillingly. O’Muttiean shares with me the food offices of Portrvetor, but generally contrives to secure the lion’s portion of his services. I had arranged—understanding that no adjournment = made for luncheon—that some refreshment should be conveyed to me during the day’s proceedings, so that my voice should lose none of its wonted resonance (owing to famine-produced weakness oe! robed hansom when the time arrived for | edvocacy of the cause of my ‘carry Extension, and my duty was to cross-examin- wi i my conversation with Porrreto yo Eh tet gh = I traveled and presen } A. to St. Stephen’s Hall. I had no diffi wm in “odin a, | devoted to ideration o yf} Committee necessities the consi of the Great North- East Diddlesex ty “It wes e a large and pleasant apartment, with a distant view through the windows of St. Thomas’s Hospital. At a horse-shoe table sat the Committee, some four or five gentlemen, who might have filled | equally appropriately any one of the pews reserved in the Royal Courts for the ———— of a Special Jury. I took my place | amongst a number of my learned brethren, who were perfect strangers to me. The table in front of jus = aot with plans, charts, and documents of all descriptions. BA a. S. t with him a large bag of buns, and two ~ my BA, other refreshments aneet with, the exhibits before us. On chairs the pending on with a lsturer' wand, the stiky ou paca ¥ far wes gates to fas that the expert whose evidence it was my duty to cross-examina was soon in the witness-box. dine FH, of considera a oe a eo ae who was the first to take in hand, the oppor- Sa sos that he was a “witness of of great weight,” a remark | ‘ custare pero, ioduiging ina seathy wile at ts | person, dulging a smile at Yh, os this, I need peneeety aay, were most welowme, and afforded, when they ¢ Nye - ings. Mt Ea aS mi various as water, sandwiches, and buns. My colleague, ton = not actively engaged in the dec duties of of with which they provided themselves before the com- the viands ae as Oe See See Sem ong jae m1 have tbe down af the Mayor's Coar| and mencement of nee Ea Thus the cups devoted to custanl soon were empt » aad Se pope bags, case sunene OF ound ve discarded, I gazed at the clock. It was past two, and I was getting terribly hungry. I felt that my voice was weak from famine. This would never do, and might yy om interests. —— weak nasty for Portis. TON e to whispered oe eee PS, oe Eee alee fold the examination it yo possibly be concluded within a ques of Gh tom. I maind % hasten $20 refreshment-bar I had seen in the ui up ion of . Iwasthe more pleased corridor belore Thad entered the room, and inuriedly left my wa the result of my jon, as, truth | I ot aay way Goan, Oe 9 bile, endl had esnpetty Gxt cut ee ee matter | w 4{-.b%-—- clerk laden with sandwiches and sherry wa making post-haste Com 7 ad fon somewhat a8 ea i mI TC ean,” he cried, as he thrust the you ts of my midday y meal into my hands ; “ rua, . run ; rin ag it he _— absence! ” ; Rather eatiol at the tod wat pied by my subordinate eS eee in-chief was glass of sherr meade elem My voice was in tone, and I St Ghat Cho aitts of may Ee Det Ee I knew that it was now or never had this f by pleasing my clients and securing at the Parfamentary Bar, which might mean hundreds, a-year. i imagined my children at Eton, m carriage and pair, address tn Seceenes, Place Al or | to secure these tardi ily-attained luxuries was to protect m by my careful attention to bean interests, The moment arrived. I rose to cross-examin “* And now, Sir,” I said; 3- * that I was master of the situa- tion, and that my voice had a magnificent resonance, which was striking terror into the heart of the witness before me, ‘* Jam going to put a few questions to you!” . “2 pardon,” said the Chairman, promptly—“‘ you will do nothing of the sort. You were not present during the whole of the witness's examination-in- chief, and so we decline to hear you! -y I could ‘faith wept! The momentary search for sandwiches and had ruined me! Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished together (in the carriage and pair) for ever! Pump- Handle Court (Signed) A. Brrercess, Junior. at Bs ribet +f Aid 3 ¥ s Bes OLLENDORFF IN LONDON; OR, THE COCKNEY’S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK. No. I.—Art rae Estate Acent’s, Have you some nice houses to let furnished ?—Here is our Cata- e | logue, Sir.——I perceive that most of these are Queen Anne houses; ae perfect ;” where is the sati cr nr 71 the fine advertisement ?—It is in Spain with the other castles (idiom).— cores is ‘Queen Anne” ?—Victoria comes first, Elizabeth second, buat Queen Anne is (the) last.——Is then sanitation also some It is the little came of the big builder; it is all it year ime (my, hi ~ ber) eyes.——Can we have some nice furniture ? farnitare of Chippendale, Sheraton, M‘Adam, porn ET alh is too dear,— No, Bir ; i, brother roy yo it ‘yesterday of the clever | carpenter. ——I was done by jyou or ; I requires room v4 ae mother- nates (neuter a ag be hamber of boxes (box- at but the evil mother-in- law ah the best bed - Ayaion > many persons are you /—We are sixteen.—You are, indeed, suited, Sir; it is an eight-roomed house.——Is not; “+ noble drawing-room smaller than we have 4 mind to?—On the contrary, it is very lofty. There is room near the chandelier.— Where is the ‘‘ moderate-sized garden” ?—It is on the leads with the broken eicuirer a capital smuts, and the —y- t exorbitant client of the cetene | ae guineas for the season.—lIt is too much.—He would take less in some minutes; belay copies wi ait Oo pee mansions,” ‘“ ‘* Desirable residences.” aE inant dafioalt mansion that has a back-staircase is commanding, the “* Bij ou” is for the newly-married, or the actress, but the ‘* Desirable ce” is what you desire.—— What is then ngs yy Bry yy nor oblong; therefore it is square, It is a square.——Is it geometrically the same as the of "Assos ? do not know, Sir.—Where is the capital ior the poor servants /—It resembles the dark kennel of the sad dog.—What are dilapidations and electric light? —The first, Sir, is you break ; the second is what breaks you. . : : a j E i : | - | FS FSSSEQERERE LAGS ESTE BES. —wesape o828 SB 2f ow

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vee OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a ty ¥ bound to say I can find but I have It is in Se. 1 ; or, The Nog! ed 1’ exclaims Fanny, ‘if my ing Dickens, © a Vi ‘Oh like Sam in O’Keere’s ; ickens there bodily. Son Bat I am ; nit re ay as, yt “an the FrrzgERALD Sam VALE, ding- Boar ue tt ia (v, re gturess—t think the and « form of an mother of thet would it be on the seller loves house, would y; ve fet ing, pay A pa Shall not h r see the necessi TAKEN UPON TRUST. with a| Act I. of "Prank for the eotate mat vii ph Founded upon a Magic Act.) (4 Foir-and-Unfairy Btory ae y , and hans rem more than out-of eft Once w orphans, who were what he called ** second. somethi i returned; Mr. real property to the pro- penny.” a Pears . not act contrary y ya ill cost you a pretty the maids no doubt will find its wa: it adminis eB: iF if} gs

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Aram 4, 1891, yy fl TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION. Husband (off to Paris). Bur you CaN TALK TO Ms THERE JOST AS IF WE WERE TOGETHER—ONLY BE CAREFUL, AS rms Exrensive!” ‘Dow’r cay, Danurnc. It’s 700 sap TO LEAVE you, I xyow/ Wire. *‘ Ia tt, Dantine! Ha-HA-BADE" T YOU BETTER LEAVE ME A FEW BuawE Cunquns 1" TALKING BY TIME. Tax of the business having already obliged the ium Postal Authorities nex to cut down the time ed for a telephonic communication between Paris and Brussels, from five minutes to three, it is to be presumed that the rush of public patronage that may be expected when the wire is opened between London and the French Capital, will soon necessitate the substitution, in place of the promised ten minutes, of an allowance to each speaker of a minute, or at most a minute and a half for his interview, which it may con- fidently 1 be “expected, will not unfrequently take the following shape :— ~ eamemee Official, Now, Sir; your turn T Shute London Talker in, and te dotentie Lente ** om. London Talker. Dear me! How quick they are, one hardly knows what one is about. I wonder how now, one ought to speak. Better shout. Anyhow, I'll try that first. (At the top of his voice through the tube.) Hallo! Hi! Isay. Are you there? _ Paris Listener (replying). Oh! don’t bawl that. Of course I’m here, I’ve been —— waiting quite half a minute; thought were never goin: bee. But Iouppone tte vn i noe London T. y % I’m Jowzs. It's all right. Bat on But can't you recognise my voice ? Paris L ot when you bawl fit to break the drum of one’s car. But come, now, get on quick with what you want to say. London Talker. All right—I’ll get on. But now tell me, do I my voles about right now? Can yon onteh distingtly all eres Bother! But do Listener, Oh yes! . What? . didn t catch eS Sedtnetly, with em- phasis). { caid—that—‘tieno—was—poing fac. Can you hear that ? London Talker. ‘Oh yes, I can hear that, | and most distinctly. y, itisa aad wonderful invention. Paris Oh, bother the invention! Do come to business! What did you ae me for ? London Talker. Oh, of course. Well, it | was just this, I ht— Inezorable O Time’s up Sir. | Selieoen bards eat [Switches him “‘ off,” and turns Ms ont | | “THAT CON—FOUNDLAND DOG!" Mr. Joun Butt loquitur :-— * Love me, love my Dog!” Well, J don’t want to flog The fine but excitable fellow. With a nip on his tail e’en a Bull wouldn’t fail o bounce round a bit, and to bellow. Vddom square best with the greatest good If aii he s4—just for a moment—stand still. mp Se a one’s ca 80! I know’ tis a task that seems too m' I’m reasonable,—or I trus t so. But there is the Lobster, it’s holding on And—hang it! this state of affairs cannot last! How came it about? That’s a matter of ou Which there isn’t much use in discussing, To mit \ pool my aim; manage Withont cither fighting or fussing. Seutencens or not, there’s no dog finds it Zo Eve very long with its tail in a vice! I want to get near if I can, but, oh dear! The Dog to my call won’t attend. I Conceive, if he would, it might be for his I’d hit on some modus vivendi But le won't end etill and if Lobster t loose, My noentind bie cinest toed maiiwn. yy ete en old A in by 7 But =e sure, ee If poor Leo had kept on the seurry, As you, my dear Dog, do at present. Verb. Do just bet me got at the Lobetee, old chap! While it’s fast to your tail, and you wriggle and wail, And romp all around, the best master, And kindest of heart, Dog and Lobster can't part. Don't think I deride your disaster ' The pinch of it might make an elephant No, all that I ask is—just give me a chance ! i ugIsdoOl AHL “—s19q@ BuOr “T1118 GNVLI8S OL AIH IAD A'INGO GIAO I 7114s NOOS GINO I _ r > x C G 1 G C Z y 7 sTart * rise

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Apar 4, 1891. “THAT CON—FOUNDLAND DOG!” “IF EF COULD ONLY GET HIM TO STAND STILL, I COULD SOON SETTLE THE LOBSTER!’ ~

Page 10

An Is 5 Of Thi He He Lif

Page 11

—_—__ Apat 4, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. 165 A TEN MINUTES’ IDYL. ive isa f , a dreary round, . A ional that there’s not a doubt, Although I’ve only intel oor ou Bad boldly masquerades as good, Fruit turns to ashes in the taking, Unpleasant very is the rude Awaking. ‘Tis Spring, when something, so one learns, Seems to affect the burni dove, And when a young man’s fancy turns To love. With window open to the breeze, _ The tramp of passers-by I sit reclining at —_, . I’ve read enough—and not amiss I rather faney now would be A little rest—ah! what is this I see? A sight that’s almost past belief, _ And makes me think I must,be raving, For there a girl a handkerchief Is waving ! Like to a light that in the black . And inky night shines o’er the main, It disappears, and then comes back I know the house quite well—I’ve heard Her father ’s something in the City, And she’s a blue-eyed girl absurd- -ly pretty. By Jove! she does it with a whirr, It’s clear this inexpressive Is given to the fortiter In re. Of course it’s forward—and indeed It’s worse—it’s Sodio imprudent Thus to encourage me, a need- -y student. Her form is shadowy—I must Get out my glasses, so to brin Her nearer, Yes—the ay fast The ling! | Life is a farce, without a doubt! The cause of all this fuss and fluster Js just a housemaid shaking out Her duster! IN THEIR EASTER EGGS. Lord Salisbury.—Allegorical Cartoon re- presenting Barrawnia astonished at the suc- cess of her recent Foreign Policy. Mr. Gladstone,—Pocket Edition of Cyclo- pedia of Universal Inf i copiously illustrated, for the use of veteran Statesmen. The Emperor of Germany.—Prize Homily on the Art of Governing, with special refer- ence to the science as applied to the subordi- — $ “ tem: c _ Mr. Parnell.— ptured Group represent- | Ing the Reptile wi turning the tables on St. Patrick, endeavouring to drive him out of Ireland. The President of the United States.—An talian Iron—over-heated. Ez-King Milan of Servia.—A Monthly Cheque for amusement and travelling ex- | Fapeee,, bat not including a return ticket to 2. |, The Post-Master-General.—One hundred | Receipts for getting into hot water. | Mr. Sheriff Augustus Harris.— Draft Pro- for buying up and ing the British | 4overnment with duly audited Schedule, | then dtahaey Sn ~— Saige ou y ri managemen | Mr. Jackson of Clitheroe. Prise Farce | entitled, “ Lynch Law and Conjugal Rights.” MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN— TO DINNER. (By a Dinner-Belle.) No. IIl.—Tue Great Unxnoww. He was a dapper, dumpy thing, With nought decisive A him graven But smiles, like footlights flickering O’er visage shaven. And ts, that kind of oveial om re e guest a rum one e i, Uatouse the kith Or kin of Someone. The Great Siberian Victim’s Aunt, The Godfather of Colonel Copr, And some affinity I can’t Recall to Dauner. In fine, a Tussaud’s once removed, Not waxworks, but their far connections ; The names, the attitudes, approved, But mere reflections. Our hostess, wont to pedigree Her portents, slurred his surname sweetly ; So up my smiler tripped—to me Unknown completely. Thus mystified, I needs must bruit The weather—“* It was rainy, rather. ** Yes,” he rejoined, ** It does not suit My Poet-father : ** Strange how the damp affects great men ; My nephew, not the Wit, the Artist, You know paints always smartest when It vains the smartest.” x in aaty-cteee r” ay next tered, falling qui eces : ** No, no,” he murmured mildly vexed, ** You mean my nieces. ** Those delicate young paintresses Though to q — bape or Im ionist success, Give me my sister. ** My nephew, he’s inspired of course, . Divine, quite autre chose : en bref you— ve an uncle’s pride—perforce = Adore my ° Reeling with Relatives, I quite : eb, +4 to shift our bearing, “ That Beauty, like the portraits I’ve sale of For Miss Bette Brr0x.”— ““She? She’s the representative The last, of Mrzton |” This was too much: what could I try To burst from such a tangled tether ? The shops for neutral tI, Eclipse the wea = I dared The shops! The very thing. The sho ** How ‘ul was Ware- ps. Ler!” Dazed at the Wizard’s name he stared, And shuddered slightly. A silence froze his ready twang : No more he culled tem that fell minute, Hewry THe Frast—to s in slang— Was scarcely in it. That smilelesaness! What meant the course ? Who could the skein unravel? I did. This was the Diner ** Univers- ~-ally provided.” Renowned, if nameless—hired to be Salvation of a banquet’s ruin, ** Monsieur Le Quatorziéme” took me, And may take you in. THE MERRY GREEN WOOD. An “‘ Epping Forest” Chorus, “ For ever and again the Corporation of London send down their protégés, the young City sporte- men who may, or may not, know how to load a gun, but who are very keen on ‘Sport.’ Then the herds are driven by beaters tow the gallant huntemen, the forest re-echoes with the report of guns, and next day you can trace the whereabouts of the wounded bucks and deer by tracks of blood among the bushes, and by impressions on the grass where the maimed creature has fallen in its font for life.’"—Pall Mali Gazette, Chorus of Huntamen., On, we like,— we love the Merry Green Wood Asshould Huntemen bold of © proper sort | And we would hit the stag if we possibly could, — As is meet with such palpable sons of Sport. Away to the forest we cheerily run, And wait for the beaters’ weloume cry ; And though we are new to the use of a gun, What matters’ At anything we’ll let fly! So Hing hey, sing. be, tee Sie startled Seer; We warrant we’!) hit him, if Ae comes near And we’ll send him lame and limping away, With a shot he’ll remember for many a day ! For marry come up! But it would beabsurd To ae ‘Ce to bag the whole So he blazes away ; and he hits one or two ; And they hobble away in some thicket to lie, And, after a day or two's suffering, die ; We don’t see precisely what more we could do, Than shout tha ‘*we love the Merry Green Ww And would settle the stag,—if we possubly could ! Tue following advertisement appears in the Standard :— Lady wishes to have twice from the country a BUPPLY of LIVE SPARROWS, for « favourite cat.—Address, &c. There is an uncomfortably blood-thirsty oat with Oral

Page 12

\2\| A BPBEESSSESS Sxdacdecageissesecans a [Apnit 4, 189}, i pl Lap C RF SP) AN PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APRIL FOOLS 166

Page 13

— Aran. 4, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL = OUR OPENING (SUN) DAY! Emancipated Blue-Ribboned British Workman loquitur :— , Hanzy Lawsnvw mosh entirely righ’ ! YE vem mash bleah his nameshake! Had « frigh’ ! Only lash Shundaysh. Fanshied I saw Frigh’fal to watch ’em wrigglung, when one wakesh Over the quilterpane—I mean counterquilt. Liquorsh are lovely, when you’re that waysh built ; But snakesh ish ! 8So ish liquorsh, teo— Leastwaysh, so Witraipse _Lawsnon and hish crew Alwaysh declaresh! No matter! Nash’ral M Mush better than the Jim-Jamsh! Eugh! All eyesh and limbsh, all twists, and twiddles ; Tails like long corkscrewsh, in their; : Big headsh, and bony bodysh—frigh’ full a Fancy sush things living in Irish \ A Like animaleu—what’s it ? in—Atc—water ! No matter! I’ve sworn offsh! Poity, my daughter, Made me Good Templarsh! No more horrorsh now ! To Heaven’s broad blue vault I lift my brow, A shober Br--Bri’sh Workman! So old The lecturer, putsh it. He’sh a rare tub-thumper! lh Koster Shemnteg, ane t ame net Wat i Bri’sh Workman—Nash’ral Museum! Thatsh or’righ’, Feelsh bit unsteady! That dashed gi -beer Gassysh—go i’ my head an’ makesh me queer ! One pag ee be won't a Leb ener I? gat! Strai’ on, the plishman sa roug there e Doorsh blesshed wide, oe dem ere . With bitsh o’ stone and beedlesh |——Y ah ! faces Thosh eyesh, thosh limbsh, thosh bodysh, big and bony ! Thosh wrigglewigglements! I'll bet a pony Thish ish no Nash’ ral Museum— Nash—A:c—ral Hishtory ! Look at’em! Zook at’em!! Oh, hersh ameter | PottyrsH,—whereare yer? Where’sh that blesshed I’vesh got a peck o’ March dust down my throttle, Give ush that gin—ger 0’ course, I mean. Look, Potty !—shee that creature long and lean, Crawling towardsh us! Jim-Jamsh are not in it With thish ’ere Bri’s’*h Museum! Wai’ a minute! Where am I? Whersh tha’ girl? Can’t read this lingo! ” ” It moves! Got’em again, by Jingo!!! ! We AM Visitor, ‘Hutto! I say, I've cor "em acin! AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON. (At the Natural Histor y Museum.) Gi’ me Tae Bive Rispor !” LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE’S DIARY. March 10.—It has come“at last, and I’m free to confess I don’t care for it half as much as I thought I should. I got the letter daysago. Here it is:— 45, Main Street, Bill , March 4, 18—. _ Sin,—I have been in communication with informed that you are looking out for a Consti' at the next General Election. We have been for some time past endea’ to find a Candidate for this Borough, and should be piad hear if we may submit your name to the consideration of our Council. The of the last election we have always been represen a In fact, Billsbury was always looked upon as an Salen fortress of sound Constitutional opinion. Our late Member, however, was unable to devote to the Consti- tuency the time and attention it required. Moreover, I may men- tion in strict confidence, that his conduct over the Billsbury Mai Drainage Scheme alienated a considerable number of his su and the uence was that at the last election Cuvnson, the Liberal Candidate and present bury, was elected by a majority of 279. Bi Party ha the divisions in our ranks ERE SLE EE 2 lad ‘ord . i fithfu y; President Billsbury , E. C. To Ricuarp B, Patrze, Dr. Johnson Buildings, ‘Tem five | fi ou’ ll have a claim on the Party, and mi 1. Curse them, the some teh @ dquarters, and I am | better tuency Fn nh DeLay, mast bo knows f9 yen, Up to the date mother (To be continued.) The Rights of Counsel. (By a Client.) On, what are the “ rights” of the Q.C, ? The point of the question but few see. Those rights are to do What suits Asm, if not you / Faith! that’s the whole business in nuce / Joxun’s Larest.—‘' The Sarplus will bs anything but a dry sub- jest. this year, as it is owing to « steady or (probably) unsteady consumption of Drink !”

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168

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aram 4, 1891,

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, March 23.—Kaster Holidays begin to-morrow ; to-night last y round oy Postmaster harried from both sides of House; the Contumacious Cons begins it ; _ ments on Coroner’s conduct beginning to pall on accustomed references to delicate investigation in judicial circles falling fiat turns upon PostmasTeR-GENERAL. ants to know about the i Messengers?’ Pack in fall cry; Rarezs pelted with newspapers, assailed with over-weighted letters ; late at night CAMERON comes up quite fresh, desiring to “ call attention to the position taken u by the Posrmasrer-GeneRaL wit regard to the Electric Call and Boy | D Messenger System,” just as if he ad at tthe moment made the dis- and tumbler of milk and p~ another batten, and you have a sausage and a hot potato; a third, and 34 boots are suddenly pulled of off | ; a fo ond you find ried yourealf seated in &| hansom cab, with eighteenpence seed into your hand to Be are withal ; fth, —— awakened at foe o'clock the morning with an apology. Some- thing, you learn, went wrong with the machine, and it was the gentle- man on the next floor who ought to have been called at this hour. Gane, Q.C., with hands folded on knees, sat en to this interesting narrative, and watching the illustrations rapidly produced by Camznow, as he “ Wonderful !” touched the various buttons. oe ‘ Wonderful!” cried Gare, Q.C. | * Never knew anything like it since I read Arabian Nights.” * What's Rarxes’ loss is our Gane,” says Witratp Lawson, Mast think this over during the Recess. For awhile Rarxes had pence; 4 quite forgotten whilst House, fall- | ing into Ganr’s attitude, ed to Camenon’s fairy tale. ‘It’s only postponed, Tony,” he said, wearily, Camznow (having | accidentally touched the wrong button) bein promptly carried off to bed in the middle ofa sentence ; they'll. be be at me again to- morrow, and will begin ence more, iis giants refreshed, when SoA

rT rae \ oS The Pillary Post. they come back from the holidays. It’s an old story ; the House of Commons must always have its whipping-boy. Don’t know whether | Princi you've sat long eno for Barks to remember Arztron? A dead|k set was made against him, and he was ‘not only driven out of office, but forth from public life. It’s general! = L SECRETARY who is fastened on was WALPOLE, ¢ reduced to tears. Saat eater Saaieg foe any over GaSe Lali Sees ee Pleese Buvcr was chivied by the cabmen, and had ee the | would you ssy > your valyble collums about old BoxrHa™, publicans. The blameless Harcourt didn’t go scot free whilst he | and obli Yours, jiently, Smrrm (Tertius), Rodchester. vis a sort of et-pi explains it’s the you' work the electric call gm ou press a button here, comes & , listening |

was at the Home Office. Marraews has had a hounds once admitted of himself, I’m almost h I to duty, and protect the interests of Sesastnent cman 23 . They come in touch with all classes, and naturally there 22 | friction. Just now the howling is persistent, and, I fancy, Perhaps it'll fall away he-end-ty wearing, so pitilesaly monotonous. As you said the new constitu’ has been established. Moratity used to i in his co this ober, Phe ‘The Queen can Do np Md ‘ont he may add oe The Posrmasrer-Gewreat 0 ing Right.’ Tuesday Afternoon.—W in up business before holiday ; rather a oun at the end. Vindge ap bs as -

usual) etc heap af aa k to be ite wed know,” he yor ** Tithes Bill, “Flestoedl

Disabilities Removal Bill, Sa wings Beak Ba, | ¢ ay ast stage took a lot of fighting over, “Stole Away!” f in all pane . the House. Crank thoroughly enjoying on to end of speech. | posedly wen , and uljournment Speaker ‘kept in” ‘ill 3 Thursday to take in ceremony of Perel Commis- ij Rest off, and won't be tl Monday, th of April. ‘usiness done.— Wound up for Easter H

po es THE CALENDAR. Sra,—The suggestion wishes Easter to be a r tobe fuel fe dent ‘‘ Easter Eoo,” who excellent. At present, Easter ways coming on April 20, is td, like the ther tide, depends the moon. What a h confession! Why we an umiliating longer consent to be Choqgevenet De (so-called) Science of Astronomy Yours, Revrormine Spirit. r,— What's all this fuss about Easter being too early this year! It on't half carly enough, It t to have come last and Whitsuntide the same, and we should have polished of three public —— seasons—public nuisances, J call them,—at once. Yours, gloomily, Tavs ParIaNtTHRorist. Sre,—I have just been horrified to hear that one of my boys pee at home from school remains with us for a three weeks’ vacation The cary Sate of Raalr'a the paltry exoane fered by hs Hed master for this infliction. Any bg Ga Peay Fa Oh pretext. His brother is to have hu holida weeks later. Th Pesalt i thet the boys will ses nothing of cna ether daring the poy a Nenagh ~ Deg pte dL great deal too much. can ay affection—I nothing of of fatherly enn, toa =— blessing, which I f | Satter myoslf I siways conepiooraty a ein ~- a ee hes Premn. y, Fomp Paxest. fe NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Dra im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed En there will be uo exception —— or Pictures of any description, will pe, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule

ni ai a Were MADE Y F CRAT ( MADE FOR DAT VORY

2 Will 18 Milli A ; “THE “ Ci

Page 15

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Aram 4, 1891.

—— | = avalled’ Te ova waden through sn Wine aaetont, ot . will be forwarded 4 *** Gold Capsules, Bos. ton ** Blue * Green iis oo BO.S. is sold in ware White Hottles 6 to the gallon), labelied and capsuied, the quality being ee otited by aesmall label on cach =)/ turned, and ls. per dozen allowed for empty H.0.8. bottles. fample Hottle, carriage paid anywhere in the United King- eel Me Com, On a receipt of 4s. 64., 4s., and 64. respective ty. son & CO., LEI 5 o Addresses, LON | JON and DARLIKGTON. 8. (Please mention “ Panch” when Carriage paid on orders of One Doses and upwar

= 2 ) - a | |

decks bottle, as a sample, will be sent re free te any address on receipt of P.O. for 4. CHD. MATHEWS ued %, MAKI 6T., BLOOMSHURY, wo.” bed dy all Laspine Mescmante throughout Inpia and the Cotontes. GOLD EERINGS stcoa CopENHAGEN HERRY BRANDY. The Best Liqueur, ach & 60.8): ‘FINEST OLD BRANDY. *. per dog. in x 98 1m potted. ¥ Po sPistor @ (

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2 Willion Bottles filled in 1873. Million » » 1890. Abollinarts “THE QUEEN OF TABLE WATERS,” “ Cosm: opolitan.” Bartisn Mepicat Jourwat

et CHAS. ee ° - . ae; sending in the jarges< number of ora Nox Tops conteining the word “ Sex ter,” with the omes @ eases of House- ho.ders wae bo wor uss “ Sunticut”™ Boar. One Rf. h Card seat in ty Ay Name and Address on Postcard for nies to LEVER in pees, Ltd. PORT SUNLIGHT. pear BIRKENHEAD. A Sea Bath in your own room for One Penny. STODDART'S SEA SALTS INVALUABLE FOR RHEUMATISM AND WEAK JOINTS. Established Forty Years. Negistered Trade Mark Sold in 64. 3-4b., ls, 34. 7-10., and 2. 14-ib. Boxes ; 4s. WD. , 64. 56 1D., and 16s. 1'2-1b. Kags Full Directions for Use on each Package. Readily So!ubie in Hot or Cold Water. Analysed and approve | of by Astuce B Hossate. M.D, &20r:0 Henves, F.C.8 Sold by Chemis's, Patent Medicine Dealers, &c. Wholesale London Agents, BARCLAY & 8ONS, 1.p., 95, Farringdon St. E.C Proprietors, A, 81. WARREN, Wholesale and Bxport Druggis's, 23 224, REDCLIFF STREET, BRISTOL HOWARD BEDFORD HAYMAKERS & RAKES.

FLORILINE. FOR THE TEETH AND BREATH. Is the BEST LIQUID DENTIFRICE in the World. Prevents the decay of the TEETH. Renders the Teeth PEARLY WHITE. Is perfectiy harmless, and Delicious te the Taste. Is partly 7 cumpeaet of Honey, and extracts om herbs and plants Of oll Coen ve (Pufenen throuzhout the 2s. 64. per botile. FLOBILINE TOOTH POWDER caly, Put up in glass jars. Price ls Prepared only by The Anglo-American Drug Company, Limited, 38, Farringdon Road, London, EC.

RSARIc The’ Acaric’ sits so softly onthe shoul- ders and is so elastic thet whilst giving to every possi. bie strain, it is virtually impercepti- ble to the weerer, Special tention is clip for sup- porting the drawers, v. 8- Best Present A WOMAN can give A MAN, OF ALL HOSLERS EVERY HEUER Waotssste or \5, 16, & 17, Curererpe. Lownon, B.C., ouses, If any difficulty in obteinias, send Postal Order 3s.) to PF. Department, Central +4 yd 6, Philip ane, Lovdon, B.C., and 6 pair will maticd free by retu n of port LIEBIG COMPANY'S

TO CURE ALL HEADACHE, HEADACHE, HEADACHE, Uss HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Tested in many of the severest cases, and always proved effectual, They contain no opium, bromides, or narcotics, and the highest medical authorities have pro- nounced them harmless, Thousands now attest their value, and none need suffer from headache A TRIAL WILL CONVINCE. Bee that you get HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS HEADACHE POWDERS. Your own Chemist, and all the Wholesale Houses. Price ls, 44, per box, Post Free from J. K. MATTERSON, CHEMIST, 108, WEW OXFORD ST., LONDON, aoe CLOTHING AND RUGS. end Patterns Perfect ot Aili wr veal Wine ierns (sent post fee) to the We - ped oolLen Co ae +t. Lender Ages Heme Clothing, 18, B 1d, erbeley Btrect, Fics ai w “YX X” BARREL PENS, BALL-POINTED.

—Other and a gg A LADDER WEBS ore now be n101n and Meer bas = ) meee CARIES © stamped on one every yard. Ask tor CAKE" StamreD 1 LADDER WHR, and see that the meme is there

FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE COCOA “1 consider it a very rich, delicious Cocoa-”—W. H. B. STANLEY, M.D. Made of the finest steel, beautifully Aniched, and glice over the paper like a lesed pencil In One Ebilling Boxes. Of all Stationers, or ORMISTON 4 GLASS, 17, St. Bride St., E.C, DINNEFORD’S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY of res STUMACH, MEAMTHU KM, BEAVACHE, GOUT, end LN DIGHETIVA. fold throughout the World

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= SOAP

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Aprarm 4, 1891. | The Loenect anys: 475 Litm | “Would be ss if simile ed with vee Re grent ease.” + The London MeJi- col Record eays :— “It ts retuned - GOLD MEDAL, Health Exhibition, London Te * AWARD, when all other ~BENCER’S FOOD: jected.” BETAIL In Tiss , Oe C4, Ge, and 10e., of Chemists, dc, everywhere, WHOLESALE OF ALL WHOLESALE HOUSES. up eB if 5 F “DRINK, PUPPY, DRINK!” 4 Study from Life. The Water Trough represented is one of those supplied by the Proprietors of Hudson's Soap to Shopkeepers, with« request that they may be placed on the pavement during the Summer Months, for Thirsty 4. * The Laxury of Pure Sweet Linen.’ The Fam! ly Wash of « large or small Hourehold can be quickly done with esse and wary by using HUDSON'S EXTRACT fF SOAP. Hudson's makes clothes whits as snow ; sweet ne rove ®; fresh as sea breezes. HUDSON’S EXTRACT OF SOAY tiect hard-water soap, a oold-wue soap, & soft-water soap, a hot-water soap. Dirt cannot exist where tiis wi nderful cleanser is used for all Domestic Washing, C eansing, and Scouring. The Sweets, Healthiest Homes are those where HUDSON'S EXTRACT OF SOAP is in daily use. Sold in 4-lb. packets, in dozens and half lozens, for family use. PIANOFORTE MAKERS TO H.R.H. THE PRINCESS OF WALES. Joaunsmead OP ianos “THE PERFECTION OF TOUCH AND TONE” Lists Free, and of the principal Music Sellers throughout the World. JOHN BRINSMEAD & SONS, 18, 20, and 22, Wigmore Street, pends CADBURY'S COCOASABSOLUTELY PURE, muita BEST *“The name Cadbury on any packet of Cocoa or Chocolate is a guarantee of purity. , ae “Medical Annual. Printed by William Stuart Smith, of No. 9, Loraine Reed, Holl the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County of Middlese Printing Offices Mesure. Bredbary, Acnew, & cn, Lame Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitetriars, 1m the Oity of Londen ana Published by him St Bo. 66, Fleet Steet, in the Parloh of BA Bride’ City of Londen cGeneusat, April ile 7