Punch 1891-03-28: Vol 100 Iss 2594

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“ These volumes are bright, genial and wholesome, and excellent company for leisure hours.”—Sfeaker. VERY RATHER F.C. Burnand = yaAppy MUCH AT ABROAD. AT SEA. 4, san, tiumee, THOUGHTS. HOME, SRyd~ w > 4 f) 4

“BONSd 323UH1L BOI y N° 2594. VOLUME ONE HUNDRED I + SE ies -s — MARCH 28, 5 See ow ee SE SMM» DUNE A Ves Rae tiny — nee in sae a gts ‘i ae =~ ae. eOk & > t " PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET. AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. V Zasllinarss ht ad z a. > . fe) a I ® J ii a 2 a

Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Manon 28, 1891. ODS ror THE FAT.—The FP’: Scientific Cure of Qeepate ney Ry Dr B . Oe Goth, ls. 64 YORK AVIBS. L. Roy Land 7 mttest will ris ap. « ae the 4 - Worse rew MM ar tt friends will silow tie t slap before having & diet tower ‘e. them on the d. cated in this * ’ rernes'’s Review anio BATTO & WIN! Us, 316. P ad erasi.mnen 156 AScURaNe : rom, POUR MILLIONS. MUTUAL ASSURANCE AT LEAST COST No. 81, King William Street, E.C. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825, Accumulated Fund, ‘7 Millions St, FOR PROTECTION LINIWLSIANI ? DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street. Branc hes &» Agension tn Sadia &° the Colentes SAMUEL BROTHERS. BOYS’ SCHOOL OUTFITE. Mewrs SAMUEL BROTH ERS have ready “Ff FIRST—AND—FOREMOST. BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR. NOTE, — First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & POLSON in 1856; not till some time afterwards was any other Corn Flour anywhere heard of, and none has now an equal claim to the public confidence. 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—— Maron 28, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

= THE G. P. O. CUCKOO.

=> == __ a "i Bit. > > > > | But Punch was there, and listened, and his angry face grew red, | Like the tape that Rarxxs delights in, and he shook his ancient head. Rarkes,” he cried, ‘I doubt your wisdom, and 1 much incline to | scorn Those who tres: on their neighbour's land, and cart away his corn. let the man who makes the oven and laboriously bakes Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it all to Rarxes, | | You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees | That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, like the bees. Te. oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it’s not a t thing ° incur a bee’s resentment and to suffer from its sting: And (to change my humble parallel) I like not him who takes A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman Rarxes! ” te new Laoel GaaBeetneye Taser ae enn ageiny He new Lessee of the’ . Years ago, e inquiry, Paha pe s Guirvrrus?” there was but one answer, “The Safe Man.” cod omen for the Shaftesbury.

x BAR BARRED! Scesze—A Parliame Committee Room. Committee sitting at horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered with plans, custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. Huge plans hang- towalls, View in distance of St. Thomas's Hospital. East- est Diddlesex Railway Extension Bill under consideration. Expert Witness standing at reading-desk under examination, Junior Counsel (for Promoters). You have told us that there is a cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan—in your opinion do you think that the road passing by Hoggs red een, could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity throwing a ridge over the River Crowe, coloured yellow ? Expert Witness (with great deliberation, and illustrating his remarks by references to a large plan). In my opinion I think the necessity of building a bridge over the River Crowe may be avoided by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road that would cross the proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddle- comb, and ultimately reach Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the course of the Raisensworth, coloured black. Junior Counsel, Thank you—that will do. [Sits down, First Cross-Ezamining Q.C. (suddenly entering from another Committee Room, looking for his Junior—aside). re on earth have we got to? Chairman of Committee. Is this witness cross-examined ? First C.-E. Q.C. Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is - = Did to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in Expert Witness. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is skirted, &c., &o. [ Repeats the answer he has already given. | Second Cross- Examining Q.C. (entering hurriedly, as his learned brother sits down). One moment, please. Now you say that it is egy J necessary to pass the River Crowe, in plan coloured red, by a bridge? Expert Witness. On the contrary, I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate, &., &c. Repeats his answer for the third time. Third C.-E. Q.C. (entering hurriedly, as his predecessor resumes his seat), And now, Sir, that my ed friends have asked you their questions, I have to ask you mine. Be kind enough to say, for the benefit of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members of the Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction of the proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood of — (consulting plan) — Market Goosebury, coloured blue in the plan, , as you will see, runs ugh the—(inspects plan closely) — Swashbuckler Estate—yes, the Swashbuckler Estate—and comes, as you will see, if you refer to the chart, near Twaddlecomb snoring now sufficiently indicated the locality, I repeat, will you be kin h to say whether, in your opinion, the necessity of building ® bridge over the River Raven—(is prompted by Junwr)—I should say, over the River e—could be avoided ? Chairman of Committee (interposing). I would suggest that, as this question has been answered three times, the witness be excused further examination at the hands of Counsel not present at the examination-in-chief. ; First C.-E. Q.C. (warmly). 1 consider this an infringement of the rivileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. Chairman must remember that it is possible that a single reference in the examination-in-chief may only require cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom we represent. Besides, an expert witness’s examination-in-chief is very seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by a learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are occasion- ally wanted elsewhere. cond C.-E. Q.C. (indignantly). Yes; and how can we attend to our Clients’ interests if we are not allowed to be in two places at once ? Third C.-E. Q.C. (furiously). You have no right to act upon an old ruling that was never orced. , such a regulation would ruin us—and many of us have wives and children ! [Exeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to brave imprison ment in the Clock Tower, if necessary. N.B.—Up to date the Tower is untenanted.

= = ——

” ** Iw roe Nameor THe Law —Puorocrarus!”—Ma. A. Barercess, Junr., having received a respectful invitation from some Brook Street Photographers to favour them (without charge) with a sitting, “to enable them to complete their series of portraits of distinguished legal gentlemen,” regrets to say that, as he has already sat for another Firm making the same request (see Pupers from Pump-handile Court), he is unable to comply with their courteous request. However, he is pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded to others of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he“ ‘ a wig, and the right to wear it, bat that there his connection with the Law begins and ends.” Mr. A. Barevcess, Junr., wishes the indus- trious Firm every success in their public-spirited undertaking.

VoL, ¢,

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146 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ee [Maron 28, 189], ——"—F GOSCHEN CUM DIG.; OR, THE (FAR FROM) DYING (A Lowa Way arrer Lorp Terrrson.) AND a r , US Pibi, & on ee 63 os / y Pay ‘We an, ig We ay AW W gs iy Win amt Ndat we | Ni PTT - re iva J | ") Y = ‘ 9 i er ‘i eZ Zz alg bid hss. a1 aA 32 rN | ay ( i | \y = : : iis , \ : i / A ee al —.- = ho ge gr \, yy GS a - — = + - / \| | " ray a 1) a at nt a p yi) (Ni be site Wes: sme) t eee! Tittus i ett iit VT = RES os SS>> “a 4 “Waar I wre anovut THis Recess 1s rvs Pesrecr Quiet!” you Gan the Seciguns sf (hooey chaos bors . a eee be Tae backwater and fair, ver . went on, Sie Teac” We ae'reity t's‘ ate | ABA een Cauotoaored thre, | ‘Making hs memos sh wet under which Parliament is treated, and the Thinks he, * I have built up everywhere ‘ =. country is treated, to the exhibition of fictitious A tation for pluck and stay!” | “ My foes are piqued, I must surpluses of revenue over expenditure.” Am the reeds the river ran ; Bat eannot see their way to a ‘Cry.’ ‘ Mr. Gladstone (at Hastings) on Mr. Goschen's| Behind them floated a Grand Old Swan, (So mused the man with the Semite nose, Finance. And loudly did lament As up the backwater he swept.) ary iN Zz —_ SWAN. Soop *.. = Sy) XN) SS Wy ¢ a rt

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| ance 28, 1891.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL “What I like” (said he) “‘ in this nook so shy, Js that I am quiet, and free ass owallew, uaring accoun’ my own With ing enecante ot ey OT peen'e Ball The Swan's as quiet as though he I fancy I’ve fanked the fierce old f # mi, The Grand Old Swan came ont of his hole, Snortin: Hidden by meme ne Floating about the rehy, lng the tare Cano with stole, ing the startled Canoeist with fear ; F And the jubilant jobating voice, With menaces meaning and manifold, rows 08S ee Cone on tel (As when a - procession re. With drums, trum cot aih tancemel alll, Until the Canoeist’s b ran cold, And over his His be eoushed ont yelled ; And he himself from that nook afar (If it were but reading the evening Star) : And the Swan he ruffled his plumes and hissed, And with so — which seldom missed, He walloped into Bent on enjoying his liday) He smote him here. v and he spanked him there Sot E- e teach you,” he cried, wi undi ini “To come intreding in my dominions |” ri And the Grand Old Swan’s \chuhdng te wee fag nm at seeing him aay, Sg strong) ooded and fluttered Stentor song | Tus Proposep Orp Eronman Banquet.— ‘* Floreat Etona!” by all means, and may “‘ Hewzy’s holy shade” never be less | fot decent it csam nether tie a contra- diction in terms, for Old Etonians to sit down to an Eaten Dinner —Yours, once removed, A Srxra-Formosvs Purr. "Goop Heavens! Waat A Swett! Wat wir! Tea-vicnt! Weppino Breaxrast {” ‘Om NO; ONLY GoING To my TAILOR’s, I oo To sez uiw, He's 60 BEASTLY OniTICAL |” MUST BE DECENTLY DRESSED WHEN > ABOUT THE COURT. Ar the Royal Court Theatre, which, as I read on the illustrated House Programme, is ‘“‘ Licensed by the London County Council to the Proprietors, Mrs. Jouw Woop and Mr. A. CHUDLEIG —_ CHAMBERLATS out of it pin Sie coat on On without a Lord Chamberlain “under w king, | Bezonian?” Was it in the days of The Happy Land?—but nomatter. 4 resume, At the aforesaid Court Theatre is now performed inal Farce, in Three Acts, written by Mr. R. Tk Lu er. Ah! h! Lomusy, this isn’t quite oe our other piece, Aunt _ a Joun Woop is invaluable, onl bee the game alive ou Comedy Duke, but a Duke in farcical circumstances—is excellent. Werpoy Grossmiru is funny, but in make-up, tone of voice, and mannerisms, the part seems mixed up with one or two others ~ a yy: ed, «crushed Bolielt from being in the same catego Aunt Jock? crushed Solicitor. Branpon THomas as Captain ond | Da Gurney, R.N., is very natural. The Office Boy of Master Wits0w and the’ little Gridd of Master Westoate (very near Birchington when the boy is in Mrs, Woop’s hands), are capital. Miss Cantorra LecieRrce’s Duchess is — to the occasion. two girls’ parts are ungatural and uninteres What ought to make the success of the ece is the scene where WEEDON GrossMiTH volunteers to sing Wolf,” and everyone talks and a until the Babel ends | cq) in an explosion. It convulses the th laughter; and if this situation had been so contrived,—as it a ht have been, allow me say,—as to end the Act, the Curtain on the climax, the dashing down the enraged mates wag ond Gp oak & Me uke, the run of The Voleano would have been insured from now to Christmas. Is it too late to retrieve this? To uote the title of one of AwrHony TRoLLorr’s novels, ‘I say yi ‘d ) is so much that is genuinely funny in the that if the with a will, hic et mune, why withi poarely in its place for the London ty unny little Wrxpow reconsider his make-up, and come A the while AnTHuR come Duke of Donoway—not 4) f - .P. of a Saxon constituency. And a word in his ear,—SoTHERN fashioned Lord Dundreary out of a worse part than this. Zhe Volcano shouldn’t “ bust up. oe That ’s my opinion, as A Fatenp at Court. A SCHOOL OF CRITICISM. From the Queen. A Correspondent writes :— “ JounnaLism.—I want to become a Dramatic Critic ; how should I begin ? I am fond of going to the theatre, but find it difficult to remember the plot of the play afterwards. What kind of notices do Editors prefer?— Histrionica.” Isn’t it Mr. Davip Awnprrson who has set up a flourishing School Wh _ Schoo for Critics? The Master aanid tobe ki pupils to the Thea: eee one oes lecture on the re it [ peuscoded. Should. M be so blind to the hest interests of their Art as to oar = az | nz, © be ctapped doarn thane to Cano te, alte of Se I Instructor's re- then he would have to wait until after each Act, and retire ay is Be ils into some quiet corner of the Kefreshment-room, w give his lecture. Or teacher and pupils could hear a Beene or an Act every night, —and i they pad for their place (a reduction being made ~At .- the particular drama they patronised w be considera Ty benetited by this plan. Phere might be uniform or an academic costume for these criti- Shakspearian collars, Undergraduate gown, and portable morta le mortar board to fad iy a up, up, and be eat up. upon. There might be five par sent, reduction on, tcksts for a series The M.C Cirele, P gah mm or Master of Critics, would take a fee for a’course from each include seat at theatre, instruction, and supper pupil. Fee to ImportaNT CoNTRIBUTION TOWARDS THE Ustversat Lawovaen.— the telephonic summons in use between companies and and individuals of all nationalities, may be already con - sidered as ‘* Hallo’d by a variety of associations.”

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148 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Maron 28, —

MR. PUNCH’S POCKET IBSEN. Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless Thsenite.) No. L—ROSMERSHOLM (conctvpgp.) Acr IIL. Sitting-room at Rosmershilm, Sun shineng outside in the Garden. Inside Reewnoca West is watering a geranium with a small watering Her crochet antimacassar lies in the arm-chair. Madam ° is rubbing the chairs with furniture-polish from a large bottle. Enter En, with his hat and stick in his hand. Madam Hewsernu corks the bottle and goes out to the right. Rebecca, Good morning, dear. ( (A moment after—crocheting Have you seen Rector Kroxt’s paper this morning? There’s something about you in it. Rosmer. Oh, indeed? (Puts down hat and stick, and takes up’ paper.) H'm! (Readse—then walks about the room.) Krout has made it hot for me. (Reads some more.) Oh, this is too bad! Resecea, they do say such nasty spiteful things! They actually call me a renegade—and I can’t think why! They mustn't go on like this. All that is in human nature go to ruin if they're allowed to attack an excellent man like me! e only think, if I ean make them see how unkind they have been! Reb. Yes, dear, in that you have a great and glorious object to attain—and I wish you may get it! Rosmer, Thanks. I think I shall. (Happens to look™ through window, and jumps.) Ah, no, I —_ shan’t—never now. I have just seen Reb. Not the White Horse, dear? We must really not overdo that White Horse! Rowmer, No —the mill-race, where Beata——(Puts on his hat takes it off again.) I'm ~? ning to be haunted by — no ¢ mean the horse— bya terrible suspicion that Beata may have been right after all! Yes, I do believe, now I come to think of it, that I must really have been in love with you from the first. Tell me a opinion. Reb. ruggling with herself, and still crocheting). Oh—I can’t exactly say—such an odd question to ask me!

Roamer (shakes his head). Per- i haps; I have = — of ange oon —no respectable Norwegian 8 ST ie au —and I do want to know—be- ene on = = —» cause, you see, if I was in love with you, it was a sin, and if I once convinced myself of that — { Wanders across the room. Reb. (breaking out). Oh, these o ance ae ppeamiews! Here is your hat, and your stick, too ; Rosmer takes hat and stick, hn then goes out and takes a walk; presently Madam Hevseti appears, and tells Resecca 80 ne Renrcca tells her something. They whisper ether. Madam H. nods, and shows wm Rector Knott, o keeps has hat in his hand, and sits on a chair, Kroll. . manly called for the purpose of ~y we you that I aie you an artful and designing person, but that, on the whole, considering your birth and moral antecedents, J ~~ = (nods at her)—it is not surprising. (Resroca walks wringing hands) Why, whats the matter? Did you really not know that you had no right to your father’s name? I’d no idea you would vind my mentioning such a trifle! Reb. (breaking out). ++ I am an emancipated enigma, but | mission, ois few little prejudices still. I don’t like owning to my real ge, and I do prefer to be legitimate. And, after your information | the a which | was quite ignorant, as my mother, the late Mrs. Gamvix, never once alluded to it—I an - I must confess everything. Strong- minded advanced women are like that. = Roemer. (Rosmzr enters with his hat and stick.) weet to SS oes ae Pesiee Krott a little story. Let us sit dear, all three of us. hey st down, mechanically, on chairs.) A long time ago, before the ye began—(in a owe scarcely mcible)— ie Tbounite “yi on So itwesting Ging somehow do happen before the play ene Roamer. But, Resroca, I know all this. Krorit—(looks hard at her). Perhaps I had better go ? Reb. No— will be short—this was it I wanted to take my share in the life of the New Era, and march onward with Roemer. There was one dismal, insurmountable barrier—(to Roemer, who nods

a I understood where your acted. after — into the “2 ; wa, Krour—( Rosmer (after as = *m takes up his — if you’re thinking of om 4 home, I’ll gotoo, I’m be orthodox once more—after th ote & Kroll (severely and im rsncly, te Res.). A nice sort of youn woman you are! F her breath without looking ake Reb. (speaks to herself, oe her vtey Bod, Now I have done it.I wonder why. (Pulls bell- a glimpse of two rushing [Enter Madam H., with large hair-trunk, as Curtain falls, Acr IV. Late evening. Reprcca West stands by a lighted lamp, with a shade over it, packing sandwiches, §c., in a reticule, with a faint smile. ' The antimacassar is on the sofa. Enter MER. Rosmer (seeing the sandwiches, §c.). Sandwiches? Then you are going! Why, on earth,—I can’t understand ! Reb. , you never can. Rosmershélm is too much for me. But how gg ou 1 get on with Kroz ? e have made it up. He has convinced me that the work of al sulin men was several sizes too large for me—so | am going to let it alone—— Reb, (with her faint smile). There I almost think, dear, that you are nena Rosmer (as if ann pa. What, so you don’t believe in me either, Repecca—you never [ Sits listlessly on chav. Reb. Not much, dear, when you are left to yourself — —but I’ve another confession to make. Rosmer. What, another? | really can’t stand any more con- fessions just now! Reb. (sitting close to wn It is only a little one. I bullied Bran into the mill-race—because of a moves uneasily.) Sit still, dear— uncontrollable —for you! Rosmer sits on sofa), Oh, my — ‘penton mustn’t (‘Hey nd down e jum a as Jump wp vf Reb. Don’t be alarmed, dear, it is all over now. After living alone with you in solitude, when you showed me all a thoughts without reserve,—little by little, somehow the fancy sensed off I caught the Rosmer view “ mm badly, and dulness descended on my soul as an extingui m one of our Northern a The coupe tn Tl all Rosmer view of life - cancbli ing, very—but hardly li And I’ve more yet to tell yo _——- (t it "of. Isn’t that enough for one —~d ? Reb. (almost voweless). No, dear. I have a Past—behind me! Roemer. Behind you? How strange. I had an idea of that sort already. (Starts, as ifin fear.) A joke! (Sadly.) Ah, no—no, I must not give way to that! Never rm the Past, Reprooa ; <p « thought that I had made the grand discovery that, co virtuous, one will be ha) Fem hen fe weston dering, tooeri —an immature dream. bothers me is that I ean’t—somehow | can’t—believe entirely in echo am not gre sure that I Aare a_i you 80 very pushy -don? t it terrible ? (cringing her hands) Oh, this killi oot (Looks darkly at him) Is anything J can do to con ce . Rosmer (as if impelled to speak against his . Yee, one thing— only I’m afraid ou wouldn’t see it in the same light. And yet I must — It is like this. I want to recover faith in m my ay poem Daas human souls, And, as a logi thinker’ this cannot do now, unless—well, uniess you jump into oe malt -race, too, like Beata ! Reb. (takes up her a, with composure, and puts it on her head), Anything to oblige Rosmer ( roa up). Wha: "You really will! You are sure you don’t Ae af) Then, ReBEcca, I will go farther. I will even go—yes—as ny as you go yourself! . Reb. (bows her head towards his breast), You will see me off! Thanks. Now you are indeed an Ibsenite. [ Smiles almost ieaperceptibig Rosmer (cautiously), I said as far % you go. I don’t myself further than that. Shall we go? Reb. Wiest toll sae tie. ealnki going with me, or am I going with you ? Rosmer. A subtle t—but we have not time to think it out here. TT dle hace is dene Come !

os ant _4e8 Go

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Marcu 28, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. sandwiches, They go out hand-in-hand through the door which they leave The room (as is not uncommon with rooms in Norway) # empty. Then Madam Hetseru enters through another . Madam H. The cab, Miss—not here! (Looks out.) Out together —at this time of _ ares on the en-seat? (Looks | out of window.) My tee what is white thing on the | bridge—the Horse at last! (Shrieks aloud.) And those two sinful | creatures running home! Enter Rosmen and Resecca, out of breath. Rosmer (scarcely able to get the words out). It’s no use, —we must put it off till another evening. We can’t be ex to jump off a footbridge which already a White Horse on i And, it cones to Ot, Se eee we j now that I really have What would be rt bottom of a mill- | —there is no judge ov: Reb, (interrupting | own — {Madam the antimacassar calmly as Curtain A GRAND OLD WETTERUN! I am’r bin w cort in. the Lizzard, think, Munday nite, and was near! breth, and t ha’ kindest bones and my . about you wants, Mr. Roper, to take safely this most orful nite!” And so was and I didn’t waste a single drop on i } However, I was obligated to have a good N/'/, long rest, \which Pt out mostly in as I was IPS The “ Tipper’s”” Strike. one ts aye oe toask Mr. Punch for to do you a favour.” “ Why, what do you mean?” saysI. ** Why, this is what I means,” says he. ‘‘ About the grandest feller as ewer in the hole world gave up fifty years of his useful life to trying to make hundreds of eeapid boys into clever boys, and hundreds of bad boys into good boys, and hundreds of dull boys into witty boys, is a going for to have a testymonial given him by sum of them hundreds of boys, me am ’em, to sellybrate his Jewbilly, same as the QuEEN the other day. Ewery one of | us as lives in London will jump at the chance; but the boys as he | turns out from the great City of Lundon Skool is such reel fust- | raters, that they gits ~— up direckly by Merchants and peeple, | and sent all over the werld for to manidge their warious buzzinesses | there, so we don’t know how to at ’em; but as Mr. Punch goes | wherever any smart, clever lish chap goes, if he wood most | kindly let this littel matter be mentioned, the grandest, and suck- anne, ay, and wittiest Skool Master of modern times wood get is dew reward, So says my Sun, and prowd I was to lissen to his words; and this . rm Fe to them — my own ae thoy left sum of the o as isn’t quite as as Ww Skool, as has formed a club to dine together s i the gennelman in question, is a speech, and I am amost allers there too; shouts of arty welcome with which his old he rises for to speak, and their roars of 1 fun, and his good-humer, while he is a speaking, i markabel, that I sumtimes wunders w. it doesn’t, of it, rise from the fact of his great School bei Mr. Punch’s own horfice. But this is over the wa writer says. May I be alowd to had that my hewery body’s frend, Mr. Cooxs, is reddy to receive any number of subskripshuns at 30, New Bridge Street, E.C. ponent, A New Provrnerce.—“ My life is in hands,” as the Auto- biographist said to his Publisher. ne ‘Roemer takes his hat and stick, Rewncca her reticule, with | when he wants me to do sumthink—*‘ I wants you to do me the favour | i re-|real travelling companion, Essay THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN, (Latest Version ; suggested by a Case at the London Sessions.) Awp did you not hear of a jolly young Waterman, Who ot the river his wherry di via ert When along with great ski exterity, A Cask of Wadeive it canght his eye. ° It looked so nice, he rowed u ily, Transferred that cask to his i And he eyed the dear drink with so For the name on the cask not a jot did When smart Epparp Sart got that cask He cleaned it out— And with his coi: that there.” And yet but to think now how things happen ! Thay copped him for “* laren Wy Had at sall! But SArxt couldn’t read, and ury was kindly So Epparp got off, though his chance a: small. Now would this young Waterman keep out of sorrow, No derelict casks let him— shall we say, borrow ? Madeira is nice, but you’d best have a care, Before swigging the wine, that it’s yours fair and square ! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Tux Childhood and Youth of Dickens, a sort of short ipt to Forsrer’s Life, very well got up Py. its publishers Hutcnineon & Co., will interest those who for the third or fourth time are going through a course of Dickens. The Baron is an amateur of pocket-books and note-books. The pocket-book must contain a calendar-diary, and as little printed matter, and as much space i et-book is perfect damp surface will serve as we long gw had in use, the ae of Jom atkER & Co., |) of Farringdon " : House. It should ¥ - be called The Walker Pocket-book, or Pedestrian’s Companion ; for, as ‘‘He who runs may read,” so, with this handy combina- tion, “‘ He who walks may write.” The Baron is led to mention this 2 propos of a novelty by T. J. Surra any Downes, called The Self-registering Pocket Note-book, a very neat invention, qui Note- book y, but of which only one size has the invaluable patent pencil. i entails ing a knife, and, though this is good for the cutler—‘‘I know man, he comes from racy ay soe a an ) LE C—y source of worry to the i -taker. essrs, SMITH AND Dowres’ artfulness in making the pencil serve as a marker, so that the latest note can at once found, is decidedly ingenious, and mag peeelly be found most useful, ZEzperientia docet: Baronius 4 While on the subject of pocket-books, the Baron must thank Messrs. Cassett, & Co. for the pocket volumes.of the National Library edited by Huxny Moxutey, and ventures to recommend as a #, Civil and Moral, by Francis Bacon. Inthe eighteenth Essay “Of Travel,” the chief Diarists, “ Lerrs axp Som,” might find a motto for their publications, The Baron directs their attention to this side of Bacon from which this is a slice,—"' Let Diaries, therefore, be brought in use.” A new read- ing for advertising purposes would change “* Let” into “ Letts,” or Letts could be interpolated in brackets. “ A cheeky way of treating Bacon,” says the Baron’s friend dittle Fowwrmaw (Author of Punni- man’s Poor Jokes); but, if nothing worse than this can be said against the Baron’s suggestion, why, “ Letts it,” says Tur Banow ve Boox- Worms.

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150 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 28, 1891,

~ . PMOOY —— — — = MOMENTS WHEN LIFE IS REALLY WORTH LIVING. (The Annual Visit to the Family Dentist.) bes Writ, MY DEAR Youre Lapy, I "VE LOOKED VERY CAREFULLY, AND THERE 'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHIXG FOR ME TO DO TO You THIS YEAR!”

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PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. “In the words of the Postmaster-General, | is an accomplished fact.”—Daily News. Henoeforth we ’ll hope, and we trust it may lead To colloguies pleasant, relations more rational. May “ saucers” and tubes telephonic succeed In setting the world ** by the ears,” in a fashion Not meant by the men who invented that phrase. May nail-biting nagging and rancorous passion Die out, like a craze! Why, bless us, and save us! We ought to behave us A little bit better for all our new light. From incurable sav nothing can save us If Science can’t cool down our fondness for fight. With so many chances of *‘ talking things over,” Like comrades in council, across the broad sea, Nations ought to be nice, as « girl and her lover At five o'clock tea! Eh? Voz et preterea nihil? What matter How close ears may seem if the are apart ? Humph! Nothing so easy as cynical chatter ; Distrust ’s diplomatic, and satire sounds “* smart.” But, as Rarkes sug there : ™ oot human wor ” o'er some 2 spi scorn that’s so given to sneering, The hate that reviles.

One wonders what TaLtzrzann, subtle old schemer ! Would think of the Telephone were Ae alive. Wi auld of Ro and mock at the dreamer ho else, for h strive? Betiona’s Ao, To. we ha Peace, let us pray, ma claim this as her friend ; The “ Sentiment” Houted by swashbucklers humorous Sways, at the end. is something in hearin ‘hone banded tt spoken yesterday (March 18th) | from his room in 8t. Martin’s-le-Grand, and distinctly heard by the head of a | corresponding department in Paris, the triumph of the International Telephone Hato /—are you there? That's the cue international, miles, If lan was given our thoughts for concealing, The T "tis but a travelling Voice |— Need not be the agent of reckless revealing, _ d caution must often be candour’s wise choice. Unwisdom is sure to be sometimes caught napping, And | es may wag foolishly e’en through the Facilities for summary snapping No sage can desire, Great diplomats, proud of their “‘ able dispatches,” _ From trusting The brain that in secret shrewd policies hatches, Yet times must be many when sense will By chatti As freely as be winner; of trifles, which nations have riled, ugh vis-d-vis at a dinner, And carefully “‘ tiled.” Now England and France can thus gossip together, And Carnot and Saissury thus hob-a-nob, We'll hope for set-fair international weather. Our Rarxes and The Telephone’s triumph at least is not sinister. Things should go easier somehow—with care, When patriot Minister patriot Minister, ** Hallo '—are you there ?”

Opera Houses by Tel fixed charge, any member should be able to hear just as m or Opera as he might require. Beall to be the maximum For half the Opera, say six six. For one in it, eighteen-pence ; sans ho ko aust Genumll Cho aedate coll to eine

PRANDIAL OxaTory,— Stuff and Nonsense.” wire. the tube with their wisdom may shrink May not care to canvas cute schemes “‘ o’er a drink.” their Rocue appear well ‘‘ on the job.” Anoruer TeLeruonic Svecestion.—Connect the Theatres and lephone with all the Clubs. On payment of « uch of the Something above the price for one person to hear entire Opera. ings ; for a quarter of it, three-and- of a Erienauuatic Derrnrrion oF most Pustic Banquets wit Post-

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LONDON CHARIVARI.—Maronr 28, PUNCH, OR THE CS SS ee PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. March 23rd. Monday, Lorp Saurssury. ** HALLO!” M. Lonp Satresurny. *“*CAN YOU SUGGEST AN ENTREE M. us Paterpenr. ** WOMARD Al » spumy. “* NOT BY —TELEPIONE, | Telephone between London Le Pafsipent. ‘‘ HALLO!” FOR DINNER?” AND, BY THE WAY, HOW ABOUT NEWFOUNDLAND AND LOBSTER QUESTION P” favs and Parw opened, GRATIN, THANK Yot t?

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| That friends they were, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —e wee SUFFERING ON THE “SILVER STREAK.” Turse GENTLEMEN (AFTER A FEW Hovrs’ REST) DECLARED UNANIMOUSLY IN FAVOUR OF THE PROPOSED CnANNEL TvsuLaR Rariway. ANH aa G. :* | Ton "ot = HANDS AS THEY ARE SHOOK. (New Style.) Iv healthier times, when friends would meet Their friends in chamber, park, or street, Each, as hereunder, each would greet. Your level hand went forth yon cl Your crony’s; each his comrade’s grasped— If roughly, neither friend was rasped, Such was the good old-fashioned cue Of honest British ‘*‘ How d’ye do?” I think it manly still—don’t you ? But now, when smug acquaintance hails A set that would be ** smart,” but fails, Another principle prevails. The arm, in lifted curve displayed, Droops limply o’er the shoulder-blade, As needing some chirurgeon’s aid : The wrist is wrenched of Jowzs and Browr, Those ornaments of London Town ; Their listless fingers dribble down : | Brown reaches to the knuckle-bones Of thus-exeruciated Jones ; Brown’s hand the same affliction owns. At length his finger-tips have pressed istressed : | The fingers of his Jonzs d : | Both curvatures then sink to rest. A sort of ish lisped proceeds From either’s mouth, but neither heeds The other’s half-heroic deeds, Exhausted, neither much can say ; Complacent, each pursues his way ; And Jones and Brown have lived te-day. For both have sought by strenuous strain To demonstrate, in face of and friends remain. Ah, we nderful! Can Poets decm Self-sacrifice a fading dream ? Are salutations what they seem ? Is Brown some Altruist in disguise, And Jones an Ibsenite likewise, That thus they flop and agonise ?— Or are the pair affected fools, Who catch by rote the silly rules Of third-rate fashionable schools ? COURT COLD! (A Page from the Diary of a Chaperon.) Tuer commanded her to rise early. She knew that the day’s doings would be a ter- rible ordeal, but she came of a bold and sturdy race, and felt herself equal to any as daylig light aE Gah the ireve aie-che as day cre rough the foggy air—she P for - sacrifice. Yes, sacrifice; or was it not a sacrifice to barter away youth, pride, nay, life itself! And I had a hand in the matter! Ah, me—but away with vain i —— been told ong that bw were ~~ and hours ing her toilette. on did it take that she was scarcely able to break her fast. She had, I believe, a cup of tea, and if rumour is to be credited, a couple of slices of thin bread-and-butter ! Well, it is over now, and I can think of it almost without tears! I called for her shortly after noon—for the lot had fallen upon me, and I was destined to attend her to her doom—she was yor oe and‘even smiled as I kissed her. She ivered a little as she sank beside me. I bade her to wrap her shawl more closely around her, and after she had complied with my com- mand she seemed more at ease. And now our conveyance had come to a full stop. We were surrounded by a sea of vulgar, hideous faces, grinning and mocking atus! Myc e clung to me for protection. The laughter the jeers increased tenfold. Then | cast her ye A from me roughly, whereupon followed yells mixed with savage laughter. She, poor girl, her | remainder being sk osure, and gazed at the multitude with the ity of an outraged queen, And they laughed the more! Laughed the more! At length we were set free, and made our way to a large apartment, where we were v of our wraps, and left in costumes better adapted to late June than to early Mareh, or mid-December. We were then ordered to advance. We were driven from one bitterly! cold room to another, until we knew not whether the blood was circulating in our veins, or had frozen. We had many fellow-sufferers, and these poor creatures pushed against us, and fought with us. The great object of everyone was to get to the end of our journey ! She staggered bravely along, until at last they took away the yards of satin she carried round her arm, and spread it out behind. Then her name was uttered, or, rather, mis- pronounced. She sank on her knees; and, on regaining her feet, was hustled away, to follow a number of fellow-victims who had been treated with like raya Once more there was the bi cold. This time the draughts were met in that hall, and endured, until the conveyance arrived to move SP rates tia mak ts os ta bel ami iping to go seeds of death were sown! She the and an addition to y-vault tells of one, wandering the streets of London? or a litical prisoner, on her way to Siberia? Neither! She was merely a débutante, attend- ing her first (and last) Spring Drawing-room at Buckingham Palace ! Sucomet ate jada ww ol Ruonaparte, at ympie, j account of it in the Times, seems to consist of ‘‘a part” for our Witsom Banner, the or boney.”

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[Marcu 28, 189], “4a Lgl Asst * 5o ; cos ss 7. — fot n> “fie . & if _PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL > Q SS Lee SS fue pS ¢) 9 (NEW VERSION OF AN OLD ENTERTAINMENT.) 3 1 { § & ‘ T g Pp “MATTHEWS AT HOME.”

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| Maron 28, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 155 has already come about. To rule a realm as limitless as space, With the great G. P. O. as Central Sun, Rarkes isthe man. Of Great Panjandrum race, He’s Autocrat and Oracle in one. The Universe indeed were no great Without Rarxes Rez for Ruler. RAIKES REX! Somesopy onee said that ultimately the Solar System would |i robably become @ branch of the General Post Office. The present f sstmaster-General is obviously of opinion that that state of things shakes Vivat Rarxes!!! for quarrel. Even | tropolis; at one time Cupid’s Bowman. | sington Subway Bill cato and Coun and meet big divimcn. could trunk line of railway. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, March 16.—House of Commons really looked to-night as if it meant fighting. No lack of matter before public 1 bristled with Motions raising controversial put. Taxwet, that man of peace, was to the fore; his Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway into on Lord’s Cricket Ground, down for able Parliamentary Archer Baumanw also on alert. Has taken under his personal char, | suppose you wouldn’t call him a | 8 Everyone on Opposition Benc declare himself irreconcilable. one rose to continue the successive brief speeches; before you =z James Fercuson, Government had, on this 16th of March, practically secured all working time for remainder of Session. “T feel like Curve,” said Ory Moratrry; “or was it WARREN) Hastixes? Anyhow I am amazed at my own moderation.” Business done.— Morning Sittings arranged for rest of Session. Tuesday.—*‘ Lords” and Commons came in conflict to-day under | it was Baxwes that wes novel circumstances. Lord TaNweL-CHUNNEL, pending settlement |in it; or whether no- of question about making his i and Lincoln line straight into London ; i Lord’s Cricket Ground ; invades the sweet simplicity of St. John’s | earlier point, there was business was reached, Orders i Lord CuuNNEL- Bi canton Second Reading. That redoubt- the social and material welfare of Me- arngy Lawson, on other side of House, disputed supremacy of ition with him. But, as Sark sa AUMANN has speeches i “Tf,” says Sank, “‘I had to begin my Parliamentary life again, I would sit for a Tory borough, advocate Radical notions. If it were possible, I would, with such a programme, like to represent one of the Universities, Ox- ford for choice. There’s a sameness about fellows who get up from Liberal benches and t Radicalism, or about men who talk Toryism from the Conser- vative camp. It’s what was expected ; what the House of Commons enjoys is the unexpected. GranpoLtpn knows that very well. If he’d come out as a Liberal, he wouldn’t have been half the power he is. The secret of success in political life, my young friend, is to sit in darkness, and clothe yourself with light. The thing doesn’t hold good in the converse direction. A man sitting had Wood ; artisti thon of Rahquate wa by more than two toone. _*How’s that, Um- pire?” Cuunwet-Tan- NEL asked, i out his bat, “* played, indeed!” said the Srgzaxer. Seemed at one time as if blood would flow, and gore stain the floor of House. Banwes and WIeorne were in it, but what it was all about not quite clear. Some- ing to do with a coal- As far as could be made out from choked utterances of Bauwzs, there had at some remote — been a coal-truck espatched to London yee See ore 4 it; either it was de- layed, or it arrived empty, or it didn’t ar- rive at However, it was quite clear to Barwes that the time come when a new on Liberal benches, and talking Toryism, will gain cheers from other side, but not much else. Look at Hoxsmayw in the past ; look at Joxrm in the present. Certainly he is CHANCELLOR OF THE Excuequer; but, even with that, I litical success ? ”’ ARK a little prosy and opinionated ; otherwise a good fellow. | Whilst his homily in progress ground considerably cleared. Man- | chester, Sheffield, and Lineolmehine withdrawn ; | remained public business; Orp Morattry led off with proposal to | take Tuesdays and Fridays for morning sittings and Opposition mustered in great force; eulogy on Antemis. O~p Moratiry m deferential manner; only desire was to do his duty to QuEEN Bill put off till to-morrow ; Ken- hant. Still ire Bavmaxy triump) r. G. present, glowing with his own Resolution with d the convenience of Honourable Gentlemen sitting ia whatever part of the House they might ‘find themselves. Evidently expected outburst of indignant re Some indignation, but little debate and no division. my hes seemed to expect some one else to i t, a pause; no|; long debate, and a When question Tunnel, is p ing new Means to bring the Manchester, Sheffield terminus comes in b epre- | knew all line of railway giving | di access to London | from the Midlands was an urgent necessity. Pak pec-ah wor : wrigg in his sea p i the Baxnes oration. Made several attempts to catch Speaker’s eye; at length su ed; his su fu was terrible to behold; his rage Titanic. Heat about that Wicors'’s coal, or merely Wuicerne’s truck; whether Wie- ciss happened to be | in the truck when it | went astray ; or wh |thing was in it but the coal; or whether, coming back to an THE LORDS IN THE COMMONS. a

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156 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —— [Manon 28, 1891, | no coal im the truck when it did (or did not) arrive at St. Pancras: these were questions the House reued, withered, as it was, under the wrath of Wiccurs. The point clearly perceived was, that Wicertrs is a Director of M way. 2 circumstances there are not to be found in House two more affable men than Bauwes and Wiecrys. Amongst many other virtues, Wiccins is, Saux tells me, one of the best judges of cigars in House, and is never without | —————= THE OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE BOAT-RACE. (March 21. Ozford won by half a length.) Syms agua was ag am a mee since 1. the mighty line en WoxrpswortH, Se.wry, Merrvae began : First of the stalwart heroes who matched their a thews, And on great Thames’s tide have fought the battle of the Blues ? Who writes of pampered softness? Confusion on his : Still is there pluck in Eng and still her sons are Men. And still the lads go gaily in snow, or wind, or rain, . a sample in his case. It is sad to think that a man so gifted by nature, s0| favoured by fortune, should let his angry passions rise round a coal-truck. House, | oars O isode, glad to shut it out by ing off to Division wh Business done.— Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway Bill, Read a) Second Time, by 212 Votes to 103. Thursday.—House engaged in_con-| sidering Lords’ Amendments to Tithes| Bill. ings as dull as usual; House | nearly empty; walk about corridors | through tea-room, newspaper-room, and ‘ library ; ‘almost dese ; in smoking- room came upon little group playing cards ; three of them ; So.icrror-Geng- Rat, CHARLES RossEtt, and Asquira, Lock woop looking on. **T suppose,” I said, “‘ they ’re laying | whist; why don’t you make upthe hand?” “ About that Coal Truck?” | ** Whisht! it’s not whist !’’ Lockwoop whispered, keeping his eye closely fixed on a=. “It’s Bacearat. (Ah! Cranxe! I saw you. Come, pay up. You did that very clumsily.) It’s the Tranby Court case you know. I’m not in it, but my.learned brethren here hold | briefs oa either sida, and they say they are bound, in the interests of their clients, to master the intricacies of the game. have managed very ay, B- subordinate their horror of gambling. KvsseL., you know, a positive distaste for any game of chance. But as he says, a Barrister must sometimes put his preju- dices in his pocket. Asqurru brings tothe game a serious aspect that positively sanctifies it. As for Enwagp Ciarxs, he’s wonderfully nimble. He was trying /a poucette just now when I called out to him. As everything turns upon this, my learned friends say they must make them ves acquainted with it. But I hope it won’t lead to any | breaking it of families. I’m told the Judges who are Pride tanked be inte before Whiteuntide, impelled by a similar sense of duty, are also studying Baccarat. The L.C.J. is reported to have devel a wonderful talent. As a family man, and er of Sheffield, I’m glad I’m not briefed in the case.” Business done.—Tithes Bill. Friday.—Young Haxny Lawson, with his beaver up, moved Resolution approving the openi or certain hours, and under special regula’ , of the Natio Museums and (Gal- leries, closed in London to the public on Sun- days, made capital and convincing speech ; supported by men like Jommw Lupnock, and, from Conservative side, Mayne and E.cuo. Earlier in sitting, the voice of Whitechapel Hoxton, Shoreditch, and Bethnal Green, been heard by petition, preying for the boon. But dear old Ronexr Fowrter knows better what is good for the people. O Motion. O_p Moxrauity, who never goes into his picture | Though others race and win or lose where we have raced before ; I must say they | is sentimentally | must prevail,” in any view it pleases to take at C With hearts elate to row the race, and spurt, and again. A health to you, brave Amprutit ; the cheeri oes far ; For Fiercuer and the Nickats’ lads—nobile fratrum par. A shout goes up for Wrikisson, the stalwart and the strong, For Reecre Rowe, and dauntless Kent, who kept the stroke so long. For Poors, the tidy bowman, and Heywoop-LonspALe too; Thrice thirty cheers for all of them, that gallant Oxford Crew. Nor,—though the years speed onward, and others wield the oar, Though others, while we watch the sport, should play as we have And scorn us prosy beards—shall ELm’s clory ade? (played, Nosre, and Loxp, and Francetys, they each s have their cheer, And Brappon, small, but quick of eye, who craftily did steer, And Row :artr, and Fooe-Extiorr, and Lanpate, of the Hall, And Fisow, sturdy Corpus man—we cheer and praise them all. Punch loves all sturdy men and true, by whom great deeds are done, And toasts and cheers with all his might the Crews of ’91. LEGAL MAXIMS. (Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern Manners and Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of Appeal.) Common Law.—‘ The tradition of ages shall prevail,” save when it runs counter to the opinions of a leader-writer of a daily paper. Equity.--(1). ‘* No right shall be without a remedy,” save when it gested that somebody’s right may be — else’s wrong. (2.) “* Equity follows the law,” at such a dis- tance that it never comes up with it. (3.) ** Equity is equality,” save when a man’s wife is literally his better , (4.) “* Where there is equal equity the law te instance of the Lord Chancellor for the time ng. (5.) “* Where the equities are equal the law prevails,” in any course it likes to pursue. (6.) “* Equity looks upon that as done which is agreed to be done,” especially when, after obtain- ing legal relief, the suitor ultimately finds him- self sold. Contracts.—(1.) ** All contracts are construed according to the intentions of the parties,” save ~ . where one of them subsequently changes his mind. = (2.) ** The construction should be liberal” enough to suit the fancy of the Judge who enforces it. (3.) “* It should be favourable” to a long and angry correspondence in ali the principal novepager. (4) ** The contract should in general be construed acceeaing to the law of the country where made,” but certainly not in particular. — (5.) “* That testimony cannot be given to vary, but ig Ay explain a written contract,” saye when someone suggests that this practice shall be reversed. (6.) “* He who employs an agent does it himself,” unless it is con- sidered advisable to take an opposite view of the matter. bes Parent and Child,—“ A father shall have the custody of his chil- —— | allery at Greenlands after midnight on Satur- iow whipped up Government forces; Motion lost by 166 against 39. ‘ a. Dare =. "> been wattiog -- rom istinguis trangers’ Ga , huge ® Yeas Harry * delighted. ‘“‘S’elp me,” he said, “ that’ll vo somng Maney. their little game for this Parliament, at least. What do they mean hinterfering with honest tradesmen? If you go opening your bloomin’ meoseums and picter galleries on Sunday arternoons, what’s to become of Mz?” Business done.—Mr. Bune’s ; and very effectively, too. ** Flat, Stale, and Unprofitable.” Hamrpew, farewell! Ere this you may have found The World you swore was flat is really round. But many a man, with brains beneath his hat. Swears that the World is round, and finds it fiat. dren,” except when they get beyond his control and defy his authority. ; Landlord and Tenant.—‘' A \andlord has a right to receive his rent,” if the tenant does not spend the money on something else. _ Husband and Wife.—“* A man has a right to the society of his wife,” when she does not prefer to give her company elsewhere. — Birthright of an Englishman, (Popular traditionally, but strictly speaking supplementary.)—“ An Englishman's house is his castle,” but only the pied d terre of the lawfully wedded sharer of his | income. Ovp Farner ANTIC. QUEER QUERIES.—Cimare or tae Barrisn Istes,—As the Gulf Stream produces such an effect on the English climate, would it not be feasible to add to the heat of the water in some way oy by erecting powerful furnaces somewhere on the south coast Florida, or by turning the lava from a voleano in the neighbourhood of the Gulf into the sea? I am not a man of science, but I should be glad to hear your opinion of the scheme.—SvrrexgR FEom COLD. ty NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by « there will be no exception. MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will Stamped and Addressed En Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Manon 26, 1691. CURIOUS OLD we: WHISKIES 10 16 & 25 years is wood. mn d/+ 72/- 120/- M cal Aathority, in recom- ds emingo’ moderate use Of Whisky, ” a no account should Whisky ess it is well matured. List on application to a; BROS., COBBETT & SON (LIMITED), ie 910 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL; 143, REGENT ST. Jed Stores, Inverness, N.B. m9 MEDAL, INAHAN’S -ruxgpeue een a es : WHISKY. DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865. PARIS EXHIBITION, (878, WEDAL, STREBT, YORK ROAD, LAMBETH, 6.5. THE G. B. DIABETES WHISKY ic gr. Isnot stored in Sherry Caske. 2007, & SIDNEY COMPLAINTS. Certainly seems to deserve ite name.”—Lanese. 48s. per Doz. CARRIAGE PAID, GEO. BACK & CO., Devonshire Square, London. JAM-VAR WHISKY, DHE FAMOUS OLD SCOTCH. TO BE HAD EVERYWHERE. ot; I TEE PALACE AND TES SHIELING. bLS! FOR CAMP, MOOR, OR LOCH. Highest Awards, mmended by ¢ MeJical Paculty. . aad & GBI REVE, i jBv2G8 and LONDON. *orers MADE WITH BOILING be ys EPPS’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTING, 0 SOA Gold Medals, Paris, 1878: 1889. JOSEPH GILLOTT’S PENS. Numbers for use by BANKERS :—Barrel Pens, 225, 226, 262. Slip Pens, 332, 909, 287, 166, 404. In Fine, Medium, and Broad F oints. “JOHANNIS” KING OF TABLE WATERS. CHARCED ENTIRELY WITH NATURAL GAS. Prevents Gout, Rheumatism, and Indigestion. Mixes equally well with Wines, Spirits, or Milk. Not medicinal, but an agreeabie health-promoting beverage. SUPPLIED AT ALL FIRST-CLASS AND KESTAURANTS. Gample Cases of 50 pints, 18/6, including bottles. JOHANNIS SPRINGS, Ltd., ZOLLHAUS, GERMANY, Waotrssce Srones— ROAD, CITY Sta, WHARF ROAD, LONDON. SENDING ABROAD PARCELS. DS, BAGGAGE, FURN othe ow BY & Bcorr's mea a as Street, 8.W., and 23, Cannon Street, ko N B— Write for New Tariff, Cheap Mates, post free awr address Assoan HOTELS ’ CAUTION. —Other and inferior makes of WOVEN LADDER WEBS «re now being sold, The Onormat = — 4 the name CARK'S semapt ed a ONE ons in every yard. Ask fo AKRK’S STAMP ET LADDER WER, and tee that the name is there. BEST BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER’S INK (DICHROIC). Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT: MADE WITH BOILING =e ‘laus &Estimat RE. PROTEC cal -® MANSIONS HAYDEN & CO., 10, Warwick Square, E.C, Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DBAPI2, Lid, Dublin. USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES, ~ BEST FOOD INFANTS. In Tins, 1s., 2s., 5s. and 10s. each. SAVORY & MOORE, toxoos, QND SOLD EVERYWHERE LEA & PERRINS' SAUCE. The Original and Genuine ‘ Worcestershire Sance.” For HOT and COLD ‘ MEATS, GRAVIES, SALADS, Signature is on every Hottie of the Genuine and Original. LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRAOT ov BEEF (as above) in Biue Ink seroes the Label on exch Jar of the Genuine Extract. REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUND KROPP RAZOR. Mover Requires Grinding. Black Handle, 5/6. Ivory Handle 7/a, From all Dealers, Wholesale, Ocnonws, Gannett, & Co., London, W : LOHSE’S Fal MAIGLOCKCHEN > = LILY OF THE VALLEY = a PERFUME Fe TOILET ‘SOAP FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY ELED * CHILDR: DY RIDGES PATENT cooKED FO” Continue to be supplied to Her Majesty the Queen. SEWARE OF IMITATIONS OF DOTH BED 4ND BROWN LABBLSA TO SAVE THE TRLTE, USE DaILy THOMPSON and CAPPER’S DENTIFRIGE WATER Beautifies and Preserves the Testa lw parts a Sweet Fragrance to the Hasire Is Cooling and Refreshing to the Moura And takes away emell of Tosaceo. N.B —The success of this the Gret liquid Dentifrice made in Bavsland has led to many teseeiows imitations, It is necessary for purchasers to se & C.'s signatare band on each Rottic Bottles, le. 6¢,, Oe. Gt, ds, 64, and & 4@4., of all Chemists snd Stores, or sent, post free, from %. DOLD STRERBT, LIVERPOOL HOP, TEA. A delicious blend of INDIAN and CEYLON TEA blended with ENGLISH HOPS, prepared under Gwettive’s Patents Improves the favour of tes, assists 2/- éigestion. SOLD retell by all Grocers THE HOP TTA CO, Luu, &8T GEORGES HOUSE, EASTCHEAY 4.6, e041 1. samples, with testimonia’s, &c., will be sent on receipt of 7.0.0 WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. Be sure to ask for GRANTS, and don't be put of with inferior makes. HOOPING COUGH, CROUP © ROCHE’S HERBAL EMBROCATION The celebrated effectual cure without internal or tin New York —Fowesns & Co., North Wiliem Street, COLT'S NEW UNITED STATES NAVY REVOLVER for House Protection, Travellers, and for Military Purposes, tabes Kiey s cal. Bapress and « Cay * el Piste! Cartride COLT’s LICHT WING MAGAZINE. RIFLES, For Le ge sae Sax Shooting, and Target Practice warps 1.1 accaracy and an enequailed for Pid ty of fire COLT’S REVOLVERS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Manzom 28, 1891. DORE’S RAINPROOF-HYGIENIC TWEEDS SUITS ULSTERS. 25, CONDUIT ST., W. THE BEAUTY OF THE SKIN ENHANOED BY > . Ns : ‘ * WJ r Prepered by Prcase Feencs. Parfumeurs). A Tollet Powder combining every desiderstam Hygienic and Cosmetic, for beautifying and soften tog the Skim. 16 will be equally welcomed by all for imparting 6 most satersl fuicheur to the complezien Geutiomen wi!l find it mest soothing and pleasant for ese after shaving ln three Unt, Blanche for felr skins, Naturelle for darker complexions, sed Rachel for use >y artificial light Price is. Hy Post, free from observation, ie 34 To be hed of aii Hairdressers, Chemists, &c bey. Wholesale Depét: B. HOVENDEN & SONS, e 3\—5i, BEMNERS STREET, W And 01-85, CITY ROAD, EC... LONDON 4 Wee bean al couple the Moon nd i, f eet ronn a “mere ‘E polish the Earth, she brightens the sky:. PEASE’S And we both (declare, ashalf the world knows, CRO 5 S-WARP hough acapital couple , we . WONT WASH CLOTHES| S ERG ES. The World’s most marvellous Cleanser and Polisher. Makes Tin like Woven in Double Threads both ways of the Clo wren Fore ee ee ee wi Silver, Copper like Gold, Paint like New, Brass Ware like Mirrors, Hard Wear Combined Always in Fashion W rite te Deriington at once for the oat eomeed at eachanged within Seven. Daye Spotless Earthenware, Crockery like Marble, Marble White. Ali Goode are warrant © be equal te sampie.— Gre heals Aad ta Hehe bette, | SOLD BY GROCERS, IRONMONGERS, AND CHEMIST Cork, and Waterford | HY. PEASE & C0.’S SUCCESSORS, | The aie Deri —— ae 4d. a Large Bar. LEGISLATION AGAINST IMPURE SOAPS. “* History repeats itself.’ The Ephesians of old made considerable uproar at the suggestion of the possibility of the dethronement of Diana, sn their occupation of making images of the goddess would then have been gone. Last week, when Dr. George Brown in a lecture before the Ballot Society suggested the propriety of Legislation in the matter of soap manufacture, the leading soapmakers were furious for the self-same reason—O® craft would be endangered. It is not nice reading the long list of objectionable substances used as substitutes for pure fat in inferior soaps, and whet Dr. Brown gave it as his experience that the lines upon which ‘ Vinolia’ Soap is manufactured should be the lines laid down by the authorities, the manufacturers opposed the proposition to a man, and the motion was only carried by a majority of one. This was the best possible proot of ne culpability, for no one innocent of the charge of adulteration could surely object to legal supervision. Personally, we are very pleased, for many most ago we drew attention to the special soap singled out by Dr. George Brown, and sang its praises pretty considerably.” —Court Circular, 27th Dec. 1a VINOLIA SOAP—Floral, 64.; Balsamic, 84.; Otto of Rose, 10d.; and Vestal, 2s. 64d. Shaving Sticks, ls., 1s. 6d., and 2s. 64. ; Cakes, in porcelain-lined metal boxes, 2s. Vinolia Shaving Foam, in collapsible tubes, ls. 6d. VINOLIA CREAM and VINOLIA POWDER —Is. 0d., 3s. 6d., and 6s. each per box. VINOLIA DENTIFRICE—American, ls. 64.; English, 2s. 6d. Printed by William Stuart Smith, of No. ©, Loraine Read, Holloway, jn the Parish of 6t. Mary, Islington, in the Coun of Middieses, at the Printing Odiews of Mesun. Bradbury 20, ua Lombard otreet, io the Precinet of Whitefriars, in the City of , and Published 67 his = Epa "Seen 4, ia at No. 66, Fleet Street, im tiie Parish of 84 Bride, City of Londen. —Saru ’ evVeERY PUBLISHED BSATURDAY. MONG te