Punch 1889-08-24: Vol 97 Iss 2511

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| EVERY SATURDAY. 24 Royal 4to pages in Wrapper. Price Sixpence. Mr. PUNCH IN PARIS Illustrated by JOHN TENNIEL, GEORGE DU MAURIER, LINLEY SAMBOURNE and HARRY FURNISS. Reprinted from “Punch.” Illustrated. Price 1/- Papers w -UMP-HANDLE By A. W. ABECKETT. €x7,. J cia COURT, eel, ob wteel iP wnt > a —— VOLUME THE NINETY-SEVENTH —~o— AUGUST 24, ieee STD 8) oe en a rae YT TY ee se ST) ee we u Mie 4 VOL. Mabe De - >» ‘bh a a —~ ga Vo eape Th - is Uy ) rf -~ nM if | \\ Ih asl NM >A. 2) aoe | ae ; ~~ h Sel , OND 5) i ai) fi J Mir). Bedi FINS mae COVA) PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, “~~ Gre eS Absolutely adbury 8 Cocoa “rns “SONS3d S3SIYHL BON Registered st the General Post Office as a Newspaper.)

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7 THE STANDARD | | First produced and designated =r by BROWN & POLSON BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR | Was in the field sometime before any other was anywhere heard of, and no other has now an equal claim to the public confidence. VAN HOUTEN’S PURE SOLUBLE COCOA BEST & GOES FARTHEST. “It is admirable.’—BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL, LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, ‘7 Millions Stg, FOR PROTECTION LNIWLSIANI P EDINBURGH, 8 George 6t. (Head Office) LONDON, 68 King William Street, B.C. 8 Pal) Mall East, 8. W. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street. Branches & Agencus im India & the Colonies PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aveusr 24, 1889. A DELIGHTFUL CUP. EXEILABATING. CONVENIENT. DIGESTIVE. RIFAEGHING. FRAGRANT. ECONOMICAL. Coffee " Distil” Coffee is & concentrated extract in which the fine flavours, true aroma, and stimulating propertiosa—so valuable in freshly -romated Coffee Be: ries—are pre- served and permanently retained, providing & superv art ele of diet. A Boon to Coffee Consumers. Purity Guaranteed. 64., le., and Qs. per Bottle. equ is | pound oLo bvsecrwaeke, le. bow wa U ru ae Superb Coffee, ask your rocer tor it. Tf avy @ificulty ™ obtaining it, the Proprietws Will forward « Shilling Bo tle, Pree, on redeipt of Twelve otamps BEARE, GOSNELL @& FRY, #\. SOUTHWARK &T., LONDON, SE & L, Cx werRY ny acl @ Corey tore ta oe (SWEET SCENTS | OPOPONAX . PSIDIUM | MAPPIN & WEBB'S SPOONS & FORKS LAWN-TENNIS COURT Try THE “ PLANET ” PENS. Wy THE “ PLANET ” PENS. BOLD BY ALL STaTIONERA, in 64., lo, ond BrO« Boxee JOMNBON BROS... Mekers, PIR MINGHAM : OMENT \, BY THE UsB OF THE CHAMPION | ICE MACHINE. Wo. 1 size, as shown above . £880 ht os. 2 . £12300 Ce Se obtaices tow Troemonger, o tom sole Licenses | PULSOMETER ENG. CO., i & 63, QUEEN WCTORIA STREET, EC. | Ave roe Latr, Nenees FT THE BUSH HOTEL L, FARNHAM A fine old-fashioned Hostelrie with modern oris, standing fn fits own beantiful groun is. BOWLING GREEN, BILLIARDS, CAPITAL STABLING ASD POSTING, PRIVATE SITTING ROOMB OVERLOOKING GARDEN. ‘Bush’ at Farnham, under w in Far. ham town for these three my years. ... were glo:i usly green in the sunshine, most beautiful country. h — a famous Inn has stood A about Farnham the hops d the carriages drove through the richest and *—TMACKERAY'S . irginisne. For terms, apply ——s HART, Proprietor. AIBENZ'S Calebrated MANDARIN RAZORS, Wore Fostr Waneanrep a em are delighted, * Most c at > Prices— With on interch onpmongers, and H. “« coer Heom-Coces Razons x tas Worto. Used 4 stongly th Susitet Dicvitartah Gnd amy aiemapelines Girk. Mulit nd Naval Gentlemen, the easiest itary, a wig _ y casy,” * Laxt rious,” and ‘= ove vatistaction where all other ble 4s. 84. with¢ ~~ & 5 with7 des. lls. 64. each. P.A. ARREST. “Birmi: fam and C. | reepectable ( atiers, lronm Daily yield 607,600 at a temperature of n Baths founded at Bath by Komans in the First mae ite: Orn . The waters are well known HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH. corflent.” valua! in cases of Lye — 3 Gout, H OPP =" Affections The Corporation of Bag “have recently Hasaeth, i In the wore Of ome a the Hiyeiente BRal a oe BOLLOW-@ROUFD ™ = RAZOR, ep Sy 2 NOTICE’ ’ Ay STREETERS DIAMONDS WHITE & MODERN CUT MOUNTED from &5.to & 5,000. iS NEW BOND S‘,W. Lonoon. This FeWeLlery Bev.ce.e Wee ts \abiiebed fh the City [8 the reigo of Kime George the Thi. OXFORD.—MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLA86 HOTELS IN THE KiNGnoy SAVOY HOTEL AND RESTAURIN Situated on the VICTORIA EMBANKMENT, Between Charing Cross and Waterice Bri4gs NOW OPEN. THE PERFECTION OF LUXURY ayy | COMFORT. ARTISTIC FU RNITU RE THROUGHOUT ELECTRIC LIGHT ONLY EVERYWHE | The Wotel enjoys the test river and garden vy | London, it has w wide Baleonies run all Retort, nga P of the Thee | with ite many features of interest. from Betternn te Leadon bri aod embracing *. Pix} | Cathedral. the Monument. the Tower of Lawson | ! -rrey Hills, the Crystal Palace. the Homa | t, Westminster Abbey, and the vaneu THE RESTAURANT 18 THE ONLY OPEN-AIR DESTAURin | In LONDON } o—_ ERS SERVED in HOT WRATHER a& } ERRACE overiooking the brautifuily-scy |] Embonk ment Gardens and Kive. } Monsiewr RITZ, the well-known Manager tre | Monte Carlo Cannes and Baden-Baden has spe intended the organisation of the Kestauras. Chef, yy CHARPENTIER. Maitre 4’ Hotel, M. RINJOUX (* Frangois”), te | the rand. at Monte Carlo. Public end Private Dining Rooms, with specs Terrace Halconics looking om to the Gardem a River. H The Ta: iff of the Hotel aa de obtained frow Hotel Manager, Mr SWICKS, KE, to ve | applications for Ko: ms snoala be ad (GRAND, HOTEL) "LONDON, ENS. —o— FINEST SITUATION EVERY LUXURY uo COMFORT. most RecHeRcut CUISINE. . VERY MODERATE TARIFF. WHITAKER & GROSSMITH! “ EUGALYPTUS" SANITARY SOAP. Pn? the Skin and Keautifies the (ompene Ip Of3, Chemists,Grocers Stores ,direct post ™ @, SILK STREET. CITY. ‘Loxbo IN KEEP YOUR HOMES HEALTH AND FREE FROM SICKNESS, BY USING THE “ SANITAS " DISINFECTANTS. Fragrant, Non-Poisonous. DO NOT STAIN OR CORRODE FLUIDS, POWDERS, AND SOAPS. The Sanitas Company Limite Three Colt Lane, Bethnal Green, Lenten, bo t TORPID LIVER ARTERS) j i TA ie tal British pepe holes ea Loodos b> AUG Scr le an An Old There Tha Every And And a Ran Is the Wh There Wh With Sure

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~ Avoust 24, 1889.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 85 earth, after‘"alarming the whole neighbourhood, in the back parlour | SUR LA PLAGE. of a local vehina shop. Awkward, agua, is it — heving to Sur la Plage! and here are hini d golden tresses, | *PPear be in answer to the summons served on you mitch te epake poet ndpanne prog Fy an by art; | | @.comsequence of the conduct of the cannibal tribe; for it seems « There’s much polyglottic chatter pity that you could not, even in dumb show, have explained to ’mid the folks at group and them that you are not at war with your next-door neighbour, scatter, and even if you were, it would not justify you in making And men fancy that to flatter is to | ® raid on their premises and eating, uncooked, seven-and-thirty win © mate's beast, fowls, a couple of mastiffs, a cage of grey parrot, } . . and three cats. Fortunately you appear to the Tis a cca oee plese thet whe two bisons ately we the bath-room. On the with the rocks the c ou ap to have e rather a bad beginning, And the ceaseless surges fret on all fo mina that things might have been considerably worse, and | We Saar dwaanie san ‘.. biner, |2% must not suffer yourself to be ae me ge ith regard 4 ‘ scarce »| Organising your Show, certainly communicate, as you wi and the wily Art-reviewer the authorities at “Olympia” without delay. Meantime you might try Would declare the tone was truer | some sort of opening at a Third-class East-end Music- | than a sea-scape from Brett’s|hall. If you could get your ve Cannibals to go through a short hand. war-dance with carving-knives, and eat a sheep alive in three And disporting in th t the | minutes, in the presence of the audience, as you propose, you could, ne eit of Ben's daughters, no doubt, make favourable, and tide over the interval before Each ti bo ughters| the arrival of your nex ent, consisting 0 e y the conaliive sone of 1 monkeys, nine hyenas, and three full-grown lions you mention, | While they gaze with admiration at | together with the other one hundred and sixteen members of the oon Mm 9 the Mermaids’ emulation, Mblowawampwa tribe, who are under agreement to join at Veh And the high feats of natation at | Battersea next mouth, and whose arrival will enable you to set about | An Old-fashioned Watering - place. fair Di on the Rance. your programme in real earnest. We shall watch the progress of our enterprise with much interest. There are gay Casino dances, where, with Atalanta glances ’ _ That ensnare ayes man’s fancies, come the ladies one by one ; = SSS Every look is doubly thrilling in the mazes of quadrilling, . ¥ And, like Barkis, we are willing, ere the magic waltz is done. I’M A BORE! And at night throng Fashion’s forces where the merry little horses (A Song oy Self-Consciowsness, By Teredo.) Run their aggravating courses throughout all the m’s height ; I’m a Bore, I’m a Bore; very sorry to be, Is the sea a play-provoker ?—for the bard isnotajoker : , When he vows the game of poker goeth on from morn till night. Tyesting ethers tho cases os | KA ng ey Lote —_ There St. Malowalls are frowning,—’twas immortalised by Browniyo, I give pe offence to one many men, When he wrote the ballad crowning with the laurel Hervé Rrex ; c helt thet. wah Te ii. ‘ow — Y : With ozone each nerve that braces, pleasant strolls, and pretty an’t help that—wish I could; I’m a Bore, I’m a Bore! faces, Sure, of all fair sea-side places, Breton Dinard bears the bell! ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Disposine oF A Pusiic Starve.—Your enthusiastic friends in the North, who have testified their admiration of your public career by presenting you with a colossal efligy of yourself in bronze, fifteen feet high, for which, owing to local jealousy, you can find no site in your native town, appear to have occasi you considerable incon- venience by their injudicious gift. It is very troublesome that you should have had to bring it up to London, but we are not ~ that the Dean refuses to admit it into the Abhem, althong you Not to weary companions, who don’t want to hear | have coupled your offer with an unde: . to a reputation My discourse, I am dumb ; of the many keep clear. in some measure worthy of it before you die. Yes, certainly, try As they please, they may mark, or not mind, whatI say. the people at South Kensington. Call at about three o’clock at the If they won’t, well, | simply get out of their way. yom one, aes ly 5" as . a loan” } oy rr a Even Then they think I neglect om Whereat feel sore, it they can find a ior it only among the * - Producing Tho spare them ; yet still I’m a Bore, 1’m a Bore! Foods,” it will at Teast have solved your difficulty for a time. — 3 gees: es" Should this fail, why not attempt to place it somewhere on th Are my sympathies narrow’ That can’t be denied ; Thames Embankment? There are several spots secluded b Never mind ; I’ve antipathies equally wide. local shrubbery where a monument of the kind could be set up They that style me unsocial may say what they please, unnoticed. Drive it down quietly on a brewer’s dray in the twilight I get on with associates who set me at ease ; and see if you cannot manage this. But, perhaps, on the whole Not like those every word I can say that ignore you would do better to leave it, in its present quarters, in the front When I open my mouth. I’ma Bore! I’ma Bore! area of your friend’s house in the Cromwell Road, and let it embel- ; m lish the neighbourhood, at least for as long a period as he is willing Let them snub me who list ; I had rather they ’d not. to let it stay there. The area-railings, apparently, only come up to As for that, one can only be snubbed on the spot. , the waist, and the head reaches the top of the dining-room wieiee. They can snub no acquaintance behind the man’s back, Remember the extreme difficulty of finding a site for the statue of Where of harmless derision resentment I lack. an unknown man. We should advise you to make the best of this. Like the Stoic, the Sage, and the Sophist of yore, | Sound your friend as to a permanency. Think it over. Soto, too, might have sung, I’m a Bore! I’m a Bore! | , A New Enrertaryment.—Your idea of copying Buffalo Biti’s Wild West” show, and giving an entertainment to be called the “Savage South,” a to promise excellently, and you are most} Not so Map ss we Sxem.—One of the cleverest men and greatest | fortunate in already having succeeded in securing Central | philanthropists of the day, Sir James Cricutox-Browweg, in his | Africa two bisons, a male men, five boa constrictors, and | Address to the British Medical Association, has declared that novel- | twelve genuine cannibals of the Mblowawampwa tribe, though we can | reading, so far from being pernicious to the health, is perfectly i understand that the sudden arrival of these at your semi-detached | wholesome. After this, it may be safely said that a 8 Villa residence at Battersea must, as you state, have, for the moment, | Shocker” cannot be accurately descri “* shocking.” The men hampered your domestic arrangements. It is to be|eccentricity of genius, Sir James further nted out, is very deplored, of course, the five boa constrictors immediately different the stupidity of the insane. This will be a satis- loose, and that the hippopotamus managed to escape, and factory reflection to the majority who live outside the houses reserved upsetting two tramway cars and a buicher’s cart, was only run to| for a specially select (and selected) minority ' a VOL. XCVII.

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Se PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avoust 21, 1889, THE NEW CHAMPION OF CERES. (A Present-day Pastoral.) AGRICVLTVRA. ~ ASSAD SD SS BSNS > SSS » >> —- a 4 —— st SFA at Z Sta y ITT sage Fr ed, GI} 117 4f hbk d-dh | “It is understood that Mr. Cuariiw~ has been Menalcas. Cenes, I rejoice Sh. How is my soul with such 8 offered, and has accepted office as President of | In opportunity too long deferred. romise raised!’ P the new Board of Agriculture.”— Daily News. ‘* Protection's” period I had much preferred Menalcas. Thanks, Ceres! I’m accu Ceres . . . British Agriculture. For my sublime appearance on the course, tomed to be praised, _ Menaleas. . Mr. Cu-Pi-n. But that no longer is a winning horse. And when I write my Georgics—as I will— Ceres. “Your merit and your years Whate'er our swiftness, weight, dear Ceres, Vrncit himself shall own my greater skill. command the choice,” stops us. That pastoral poet, in his petty age ‘ ‘ As Vinci puts it. But I will do my best for you—ask Mopsvs. Knew nought of phosphates, or ensilage. 1 EE Ae et: INS 8 LE A OLE LS. 5 NG LEAN

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| The little ¢ 7 bm the yewping Yankee conan Avoust 24, 1889.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 87 25 We” ern Nats 1 BY Ag A | am : aie — ‘v Bess VIN “yen a> ¢ = UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS. Laura (who wishes to thoroughly master the mysteries of Cricket), ‘‘ Bot THEN, EMILY, WHAT THE Batter?” HAPPENS IF THE BOWLER GETS OUT BEFORE [Amily gives it up / It would have opened his “calm eyes, you| I must confess I never knew a woman now, Who understood the Currency. However, Could he have seen cur recent Windsor | That’s not the question now. Show, Ceres (admiringly). You are so clever, “ Quorum pars magna fui. And so commanding i in your general bearing, fe Swells wisibly.” | That * _preewme you’re not “‘out for an Ceres. Ah! no doubt P You 're the one man they cannot do without, | Bat “ My modern votaries. And indeed, indeed, I want a potent friend—great is my need. Lwk at me. Do I seem the sort of thing I hate a chaffing woman. I did to shepherds in the classic Spring, Ceres. Trade, the Vulture, When thousands knelt at my uplifted shrine, | Gnaws at the vitals of poor Agriculture. With offerings of honey, milk, and wine ? What aid, my Titan, will your hands afford ? Menaleas. Humph! Hardly, if I rightly Menalcas. Well, ‘don’t you see, there’s recollect. something in a Board ! Bat after le what could you expect ? Ceres (innocently). Isthere? I hope ’twill | Ceres. . ~i rain-drenched robes, my be a of—works ! Menalcas. No—don’t say that; it smacks | of jobs and ‘* perks.’ The grasping landlord mars. A pretty go! Ceres. I mean, not one of words alone. Stranded | betwixt high rents and prices low. Menalcas Ah, yes! Menalcas (melted). Poor Lady! Ah! Great | No doubt, affairs have got into a mess Goddess of the Sickle, With you, my Ceres But pray be content, | Our New Democracy is blind and fickle. And keep Dd eyes upon your—President, Even a. Tories,—well, you scarce can trust | And he pull you through! rs the job” this time on my behalf, Menaleas. Quite so! (Aside.) I hope she don’t mean this as chaff ! Ceres. I only wish we had a new Aveustvs, Menaleas. Be hopeful, within reasonable Whom, as ‘‘Propitions Casan!” I might bounds, = do my best. But Satispury, though his tongue is like a Cre. ‘Nor Ceres from on high | ~— your labours with a grudging eye.” Is not much of a husbandman. He’s “Poor, men said about the labouring peasant. Whose only skill is in the threshing-floo 4 don’t want to create a Party Schism, pleasant ! But on Protection and Bi-Metallism— = Ceres (curiously). What’s that ? Menalcas (dubwously). Well,—never mind. Goddess or human,’ Some or Barrrawwia’s Haxpsurps.—Her Tronclads. How nice that sounds ! BA by _vivisection, or May your toil be as hopeful, and more or bosh? GOVERNMENT BY PLEBISCITE. In morals, pn, theology, and even science, the plébiscite is getting recognised as the only sure and certain method of arriv- ing at the truth. Take a show of hands on any issue—and there you have it. decide between Protection and Free Trade, Bi-metallism and Mono-metallism ? Of courre the People, in piébuscite appealed to What is the real value of M Pasvevn’ 4 bw of inoculation against hydrophubia ? t it to the vute. speculation, or are development, evolution, natural selection, and the survival of the fittest. the outcome of sound induction, and eternal verities f =e 2 6 upon it. Is the world not usand years old. or has it ex x innumerable © sew? | Wait and see what the piébscite will say. _— the te use of generous liquors ees pe ee ee er 4s to abstain from them | Loos! Option, or “ the total suppression ot | the liquor traffic? Inquire of the a Is it right and fit to crush and” is it and hemes have any discoveries any cunse- FL te on living | auence been or no? ah pas @ Ge spleen? How mach pee, if any, is n Phrenology, or is it all humbug! ie, Meanerian and Hypnotism fectious, =A ‘apa dincases contagious, in peseees 2 microbes, ae Simeened, and a va — efl-etual, vinta, expeditious, and al sistible plébis Who shall Is Darwinism a mere realities

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— [Aveuvst 24, 1889, “INTERIM REPORT FROM THE MANCEUVRES. AN '* We ARE UNANIMOUSLY OF OPINION THAT THE BritisH FLEET SHOULD BE PUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE ON A Frauen AND MORE StTaBie Basis!!!" EXAMINATION PAPER FOR THE DULL SEASON. Have you ever heard of the People’s Palace? If ~ u have, give your reasons for ma. that you might do worse than spend half an hour in it, now that the Royal Academy is closed, and a]l your clubs are in the hands of the renovaters. 2. Give a short account of the efforts recently made to establish Opera at Her Majesty’s Theatre, peying special attention to the reasons given for the occasionall abrupt and seemingly erratic alteration in the ramme. Do you think that music will have a better chance in this house now that the columns of the exterior have been painted chocolate and gold, and the eel has been converted into a sort of theatrical edition of ‘ Ye Olde E nglishe Countrie Fayre,” with gauze blinds in the mage of windows to the private boxes . What do you know of the Victoria Steamboat Association? Give either (a) a”... account of the band on board the Cardinal Wi during a voyage from Pimlico Pier to Hampton Court on a wet Bank Holiday, or (5) a short essay upon the resources of the refreshment department of that excellent vessel Citizen A. 4. Give your reasons for supposing that most of the ovens papas omy my? daily with a ‘‘ second edition” because there can be found no one in first. 5. Who is Colonel Nour, and why is he Vice-President of the Spanish Hehiition? Describe as fully as you can the various importations from the Peninsula to be seen at West Kensington. 6. Give shortly the derivation of the following phrases, with examples taken from the ew ye of the to illustrate their meaning :—*‘ Dull as ditch-water, ° 9 “A ghastl sen pl * Quite too awful,” and “‘ A first-class A 1 send-you to- Hamwell-raving-mad staggerer.’ 7. How many excuses are there for getting away from London? Select one, and trace it to its natural termination. ‘“ APTER THE OpzRa Is Over.”—The Director of Her jrand Pe Opera House has done well in associating with the production of the Grand Pantomime (due at Christmas) the name of Mr. E. Sotomow, the Composer of the music to Pickwick, an Taming a Tiger, This Solo in the orchestra (or rather Soromon) is certain to be a popes feature in the face of the difficulties of the situation. It will be no easy matter 4 rival the long-established glories of the National Theatre, Drury Lane, a the Royal Italian Opera, Covent Garden. A Wetsn Assretion,—Great soa has been expressed at the line taken with regard to the QveEn’s visit to Wales by Mr. Gee. As a costermonger is wont to say to members of apparently the same family, - ‘Gee, wo! A Goop ResetvtTion.—In the House of Commons, that the Muzzling Order shall be he Order of the Day. PUNCH, oR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a o THERE 'g MANY A SLIP!”— (See ‘‘ L’ Audace!!" — Punch, Volume XCIV’, pp. 199, April 28, 1888.) What Ld ay “climbing Csar,” — climbing This i is a awkward, is it not ? Cliff-sealers count on many a ‘slide and slither, knuckles, shins abraded, hot ; But this looks like a most conclusive * cropper -” a perchance, ‘ ‘things are not what ey seem,” It isa tataueer which might pat a bo cease U ream. ae Se most audacious clam Lr’ ‘ But lately have you not looked quaky, A A ttle less tenacious in your grip, With trembling toes, and knees a = e et The other day you And this—this is catastrophe, they rs Your enemies, who in your fall exult. No —_> — Sword of France,” her great Mar- That stor 9 "like rock from Titan catapult, Tumbles you downward from the midway station You had attained with so much cunning toil. haimis that really croaky cachinnation Comes a the "wowed fowl you deemed your spoi. Yes, “‘ there is many a slip” for climbing Cau, And x. his friends may say, bring little But still, a headlong tumble is a teaser Even for friends of more than Punic faith. And his friends—well, they make a motley muster Toppers and tag-rag ; as they watch and wait, ith c interests but common fluster, The progress of this chall One thinks « a mixed of fate, , wolves, jackals, gle F ollowing s a new Actweon—to what end ? | That is not the most glorious of Eagles To whose high eyrie he would fain ascend. A shabbyish bird, for all its Sphinx-like bearing, Cheap-looking, though it wears a pinchbeck crown, Poor quarry of such craft and so much daring! How feels it, as the fowler tumbles down, ly | That old, old bird of prey, whose battered pinions Look sleek whilst folded close, but, boldly Might _— int sham-C #sar and his minions ’ Yes, the cliff-scaler’s down, but is he dead ’ ** Dead 4.2 wg dust of Parson!” shriek his ** No y- ™= as the Phenix!” shout his friends. So bie a balou, ~~" nae ** So wobbles a a fired rocket “ ' And Hatwgwe gone op inn like its stick.” — A eT. his hand i ket!”"— “A rogue who’ in " bapa in Pranev’s ee —~ ~% ascends.” : A SASL Rf t, dull tool of ** A scheming t a er dishonoured,” * tleman fo’ So rings =v Charivari ! 4 Meanwhile is not as clear as Attic morn. Would | = poms the ‘‘ mountebank ’’—or stone That ‘‘chunk of old red sandstone” near his head Looks formidable ; has it overthrown him ? mn) rsworn | Is Humpty-Dum down as good as dead / d —_- pty ae ty Pag so easy from a distance. Meanwhil is a cropper, that’s quite clear. Can he get up again without assistance ? That question rouses rival hope and fear. He’s not a noble c this big blunderer, And even such an for its lord, Requires, Punch fancies, an authentic Thundere And not a Jove rire, In a mere Firework factory ; Won't seare the Titans maintain The Climber ’s down,—and if his fall is utter, Mankind has little cause to make a moan.

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—_ ee - = JINAWLIN ze = 688 ‘FS 482982¥Y—THVAINVHO NOGNOT AHL YO HONDd

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—_—— , A SLIP! ~ SAS = \S “UGA Wh) | Yi j! Vis 74, W///1, Vy jth AM hd “4 7 J hy, 4 Wf Wy MANY (Sequel to “ L’ Audace ! !""—“ Punch,” April 28th, 1888.) “ THERE ’S

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Avoust 24, 1889.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL WHAT MR. PUNCH’S MOON SAW. TWENTIETH EVENING. from the bridge the long High Street et stretches, pasting m the bridge the long clock that, when illuminated, as it is every evening, has yr pean maeeeanee or me Farther on rises the dark red church-tower, with its weather - beaten statues, which have sat for hun- dreds of years in their lofty niches, and up beyond the church, the gabled upper stories of the shops project far over the pavement, and are supported by clumsy illars. Grownias stone e old castle-keep, “a pare] Up the hi under an old gateway, where there is a all is standing high above grey s and tall chimney-stacks, from which at dusk the smoke rises in a pearl-grey mist. I love to look down into the main street at nightfall, and see the old richly moulded ceilings in the upper rooms, thrown into high relief by the lamplight. There is a certain confectioner’s shop, too, close to the gateway, into which I] am never tired of looking ; it is a queer old shop, with ancient blue and white Dutch tiles set in the brickwork under the small-paned window, and inside, on rowsof shelves, are ranged tin boxes, painted scarlet and labelled with the titles of old, old confections, very names of which would make any confectioner stare if they were inquired for at the present day. But there are the quaint names still, full of old-fashioned associations: ‘ Platoff Biscuits,’ ‘Cob Cakes,’ ‘ Nelson Ribs,’ ‘Cardamom Comfits,’ ‘ Pippin Paste,’ roan I daresay there is nothing at all inside any of the boxes now. ‘Outside this shop I saw quite a little drama enacted the other night. Three little girls had got a penny to lay out between them, and they had decided to spend it at this particular establishment. They could not make up their minds what to purchase, and, after a great deal of discussion, had left this delicate business to the discre- | tion of the oldest and wisest of the three, who was commissioned to | go in and choose. The other two, being too shy to accompany her, | remained outside and watched her proceedings through the window, | in a state of the utmost suspense. I could see their little exci faces pressed against the panes, and lit up by the smoky lamp that burnt dimly on the counter, and [ could hear all that they were saying. ‘* * She’s asking her if it’s lemin-cushins she wants,’ said the first in a whisper, as the old woman who kept the shop fumblingly open one of the glass jars. ‘There ain’t no sense in lemin-cushins! ’ ‘“** She won’t have nothing to say to them,’ said the second ; ‘it’s ginger-lozenges she’s after!’ ‘** Nasty hot things!’ added her friend; ‘ run in and tell her not to, Bersy—tell her to buy pep’mints instead— quick now!’ ‘**T shan’t,’ was the reply; ‘I can’t yg ** They were just about to fall out over this difference in taste, when one of them drew a long breath. ‘She ain’t goin’ to have neither on’em,’ she announced. ‘Oh, Betsy, look! Saran,’s goin’ to spend the whole penny in Parliment cake! She is /’ ‘“And I was relieved to find that the mingled audacity and prudence of this decision on the part of their am ress seemed to give general satisfaction, for the third child was eX — as she came out bearing a paper bag, and when I last looked they were tripping up the hilly street, munching ‘ Parliament’ together in the most amicable of moods! ” A TEMPERATE BUTLER. _Wuat is a Butler? ‘One who has the care of liquors.” Dic- tionary definition. But, as there are liquors and liquors, so likewise it seems are there butlers and butlers, ordinary butlers and butlers extraordinary. A butler of the latter sort appears to be indica by the subjoined advertisement inthe Times :— \ JORKING BUTLER WANTED, immediately, for a country house; part _ of the year in town. Two footmen and odd boy kept. Must be an abstainer of standing, under 40 years of age, have good personal character, and be thoroughly up in his duties. A butler who is also an abstainer, one would think, must be one of the ext butlers; an odd butler who would be well assorted with an boy. The liquors he is required to take care of can hardly be intoxicating liquors. What can a teetotaller know of port and sherry, claret, burgundy, or cham ? His experience can have acquainted him only with non- lic drinks. In the capacity of a butler is he expected to preside over a cellar of soda- water and A and to furnish his employer's dinner-table with toast-and-water ? duties such a butler is qualified to be up to must be light, like the bev committed to his charge. If he kept any conscience, he could scarcely answer the of a master who, a member of the United Ki Alliance, does not himself scruple to drink and to cupply Me geese wie wine ink it advisable | and spirits. To be sure, even a tippling master might to take an effectual precaution against possibly ing a drunken | butler. Still, an inquiry for a butler pledged to Setety may be re- | garded as a gratifying token of the progress of temperance principles. THE TAILOR QUITE AT SBA. Now that everyone is thinking of the Naval Manwuvres, the fashions of our rs are more than usually interesting. As some doubt has been expressed as to the meaning of the official description | of the uniform great-coat, we think it advisable, at this im t juncture, in the interests of our gallant tars, to explain it with pen and pencil. A to The Regulations the great-coat has to be of *‘blue milled cloth, to come to costean inches from the ground.” So far (as our sailor-boys would observe) ‘‘all is fair sailing.” However, when we learned that it had to be double-breasted, and had to have six uniform “buttons” on each side, with “flaps” across the skirt in front of the hip, we felt that we needed the | assistance of our Artist to make the matter clear to the uninitiated, the more especially as there had to be a ‘* stand-and-fall”’ collar. However, our accomplished coll e was quite equal to the occasion, and immediately dashed off the following :— Front View of Naval Great-coat, showing Uniform “ Buttons,” Flaps, and * Stand-and-Pall ” Collar. Still, this spirited sketch scarcely explained the many strange details of this mysterious garment. The Regulations insisted that | a ‘* plait should be worn with an opening down the back eighteen inches long.”’ This was to be supplemented “by a fly, and four small plain ‘ buttons.’” Moreover, with the assistance of ** two corre- sponding uniform ‘ buttons,’” the waist was to be confined with a | —- Again having recourse to our talented friend, he made another rapid drawing, which we subjoin :— _ in foal - Back View of Naval Great-coat, showing “ Plait,” with “opening down the | back eighteen inches long,” “ Fly and four small plain ‘ Buttons,’ "’ and « ing uniform ‘ Buttons,’” confining waist. After this short article, with its free-hand sketches, we trust that none of our readers will — further difficulty in understanding the meaning of the words ‘‘ uniform ‘ buttons ;’” if they have, they can easily refresh their memory by referring to our pages.

Page 12

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avousr 24, 1889.

Swen re

No. 78.

OUR MODEL VILLAGE. w x © x aw Fb om a ie) z < ' 4) a - | a ~ - é

FF / ‘ =j/Auvex

Page 13

Avoust 24, 1889.] PUNCH, OR THE

LONDON CHARIVARI.

PUZZLED ! Policeman X Junior loquitur -— Sranps Scotland where she did ? lasewers, by that I means, etands Scotland Yard / Well, howsomever it may be, hus Bobbies’ fix is getting hard; [do his duty manful, A young Bc. say such as me, who wants to Don’t find his Je. | rtickler clear. Things isn't right—not by a can-fall. Where are we now?’ That’s what I ask; and if I get a answer, ’ang me! I find a few as plum me up, and many more as slate and slang me; But when I eall for a straight tip concerning of my proper duty, I find there’s scarce two thinks alike, which I consider fudge most footy. Look at this mad- bizness now, this blessed muddle of the muzzle ; There may be sense in it somewhere—where it comes in, though, is the puzzle. Cur-hunting, at the best of times, is not nice sport, let alone rabies ; But- well, I think our bosses must be lit theirselves; they act like babies. If we must lasso the stray tykes, and take our chance of hydrophoby, We may not cotton to the work, but if it so be, let it so be. f But as it stands we’re in a fog, the County Councillors snub and slate us, And as for them as own the dogs, females pertikler, they just hate us. A. P.C.’s a Pill-garlic now, a general martyr, —that’s a moral. And why? Becos the various parties what should rule do naught but quarrel. Mowro’s and Rosgsery’s little lots are at it cats-and-dogs already. And while it’s so, can you = us Peelers to be straight and steady I don’t care much who bosses us, so as the bossing is done clever. And ain’t all shift and shindying. This style though can’t go on for ever. There’ll be a bunnick up one day, a general row, all sects, and sexes ; That ’s the opinion of some toffs, anyhow it’s Policeman X’s. Mister Mowro’s a decent sort, and Mister RosEBERY ’s another ;' But party —_ mucks up all, and makes a brother hate his brother. Can’t someone settle the whole thing upon a basis sound and stable ; And not keep up this bad old game of Pot and Kettle, Carn and ABEL If [ lets a Street-spouter} rave, Property _ drops on me a smasher, Whilst if I land him on the nob, Poverty _ Calls me ‘* brutal basher.” If a Beak backs me from the Bench, scribes bully me in every journal ; And, if the papers praise me, I may get the sack. The game’s infernal 1 do not want to brain stray curs, or biton Socialists or Paddies ; That’s a wild fancy of _ , fierce Rads, and frothing faddies. Salvationists may spout their fill for me with banner, drum, and trumpet, But I object to being blamed all round, or bashed into a crumpet. Gents, = a Ley ay please! I s1mp you, on » What is hes most liar times is Police- man X Junior’s duty ? At present it’s a Will-o’-the-Wisp, and I am weary of ing it. Jest tell me what my bigness is, my lords, and—back me up in doing it the raving Reds,

“ HOPE DEFERRED.” The Rev. Mr. Quiverfull, “‘ Au! 1T’s ALL VERY WELL, Mra. WunrzeLt, TO sav You "LL PAY YOUR TITHES SHORTLY—ALL VERY WELL! BouT You VE SAID THAT EVER #INCE LAST CHRISTMAS, AND I REALLY CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THAT SACRED FestivaAL COMES ROUND again |!”

= ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, yy Faye August 12.—Pity the Manxiss couldn’t have been | accommodated with seat in y ‘ **Can’t be done,” Op Mora.ity hen, one evening little more than fortnight through ;” ‘* None of our men like Ww id, * Weshall want the Tithes Bi ago, Manzrss said, © Weshall want the 2 shall be kept sitting into September ; and it; the aes =< course, wen’ Dae AY we then I tw we can carry the ta i “Oh, yes, you will,” said the Manuiss, drawing down his beetleblack brows in manner that makes Utp Moraxirr’s heart sink within him. ‘‘ You must go on. Say the thing must be done ; and we’ll take a little holiday.” : : So it came about. Lords adjourned from to-night till Thursday, and Ory Morauirr left to struggle against friends and foes on behalf of Tithes Bill. Gnawp Youre Ganpyen moved first of series of Instructions to Committee. Hancovrt, fresh from self-communing ery whilst Debate going forward to-night on Tithes Bill. | | |

Page 14

<2 a af a EP Pine ay r PUNCH, OR THE Lé

in New Forest, returns after ten days’ absence; finds all the INDON CHARIVARI. [Avousr 24, 1889. —

woets a few frank lines to Hon. Mem., which, with other things, ther Leaders gone away; only himself left in undisputed posses- convineed him he had made mistake. Came to conclusion had - new * himself out on Front Bench, prepared to make things | better put things as straight as they would go. This afternoon, het for Government. Welsh Members gather under banner of|when Bill came on for Osporwe AP Moroax, and harass Government on flank. Irish| consideration of Lords Members turn up in full force ; a rarely united Opposition ; strangely hesitating Ministerial force. Not a man to say a good word for the ill. H NGTON al th h s*h-making ; goes into Lobby | charges. House (which had amet fo fain oat e be | not been assailed) cheerfully expected from him. His own men Vote in other Lobby; even accepted apology, and Lords’ with Government in Divisions, and thinks nothing more can Wicorsn—"* The Wecxiess Wieors,” as Cuntsrorner Sykes calls him—revolts. “T have travelled a hundred miles,” he said, ‘to come here to-day and vote against this Bill.” A hundred miles! Stupendous! Wish the Marxtss could have heard this. But the Marxuss gone cheerfully off to dinner, and left (cp Moratrry to struggle against odds. One time seemed as if Ministry would be defeated on Gray’s Amendment. Whips from either lobby come in almost at same moment, indicating equality of numbers. When figures announced it appeared defeat averted by majority of four. “* And when we started in business,” said Op Moratrry, “ our majority was 114.” usiness done.—The Tithes Bill’s—very nearly. Tuesday.—This was Hawpet Cossnam’s opportunity. Been in House a year or two now; never found ap for his superior talents. As he says, with his t humour, “I’m really only man in House with a Hawpet to my name, and I ought to live up to my natural advantages.” Ministry in increasing diffi- So culties with Tithes Bill; majority : gresuallyoee pearing; got } down as lowas four. This was on Instruction moved yesterda by Gray. That’s all very for him ; but supposing a man of commanding eloquence, of profound knowledge, of graceful ring, deep sympathy with the people, should appear in the ists and run atilt at the shaken Ministry, where would they be? “I'll do it,” said Hanper CossHaM. So put on radiant white waist- coat, pair of carefully selected six teen-shilling summer trousers, and early repaired to House. Sketched on the spot, ofter the Speaker Great thing when you re going had ruled out his Amendment.) to make im t speech, pro- bably leading to overthrow and resignation of Ministry, to get a corner seat. CossHam secured this; borrowed copy of Orders ; found his Instruction set forth in beautiful print; the very first on list; no mistake about that. As soon as Tithes Bill reached Speaker must call upon him; then he would rise majestically, throw back the lappel of his coat so that the waistcoat could be seen of all men, a stretch out his right leg, with eight shillings’ worth of trowser on it. Meanwhile, sat in corner seat ; listened impatiently to long string of questions; then To Heaty got up with nonsensical Bill about Courts of Appeal in Ireland; but eeet lane has a turning. Speaker called on Orders of the Day; Clerk read out, ‘* Tithe Rent Charge Bill, Committee.” Now was Coseuam’s time. Rose, holding in right hand bundle of notes which, presently enlarged on, should convinee the House, convulse the country, and coerce the Ministry. At same moment Sre, kek moved in Chair. “Going to call on me,” said Cossnam to sympathetic neighbour ; “name first on list, you know; save him trouble” Got up at once; rose to full height,—just in time to hear SrzakEr rule Instruction out of Order; could not be moved. SPzaKER turned and left Chair, and before Cossmam quite realised situation, CovuTwey in Chair, House in Committee, — somebody else moving Amendment. 1 usiness done.—Tithes Bill in Committee, Wednesday. — This the day set apart for WuyTersorHam’s Repentance. Last time Bill on to prevent children under ten earning an honest penny on the Stage, WiInTRRBOTHAM run a-muck | at an honourable profession. In name of Morality (not our dear | Leader), cast aspersion upon an indefinite number of Ladies with whose names or individual existence he was not acquainted. The

Sir Handel Cossham. Amendments, WuIrTER- BOTHAM withdrew his Amendments agreed to. Business done. — Right- about-face on Tithes Bill. Thursday.—‘‘ Tony,” said Otp Morality, as we walked down to House this afternoon, ‘‘ why is a dew- drop round ?” “TI think, Sir,” I ob- served, ‘“‘the Right Hon. gentleman had better give notice of the question.” ** Ah, yes, | know; that’s what Artuur Ba.rovr says; and perhaps you are right. I’m a little bothered just now; things not going straight; end of Session es due; haven’t done y: more

Winterbotham ’s repentance. peoned good man Bills than the pablo bear in mind; should have insured rd; then comes along the Maxxiss with his a very fair reco Tithes Bill, which he insists upon in one way. Fix the liability for tithes upon occupier of ; that | doesn’t please Opposition ; say landowner should be liable. Very ; I’m a man of peace; anything for a quiet life; let it be the andowner. So yesterday put up Atrorner-GeweRAL to give notice of Amendments which shall fix liability on landowner. ially chose ATTORNEY-GENERAL for work, because on Monday he was the man who most prominently and persistently argued in favour of the oceupier. Only fair to five him a chance on Wednesday to ap on other side. What follows?’ Here’s Hanrcovrr bouncing about all over premises, declaring that, on the whole, Bill is a li more impossible than it was before. It’s a hard life, and sometimes I wish it were otherwise. Whether the composition of the dewd has anything to do with it, who shall say? A dewdrop is roun because every part of it is equally balanced, and therefore there is no cause why one part of the drop should be further from the centre thun another. The great globe we inhabit is, if I may say so, an enlarged dewdrop. The same causes operate upon its rotundity, and—and—there you are. lo you follow me?” “Yes,” I said dropping a few paces to the rear. I always like, as far as is possible, to combine strict veracity with beaming urbanity. Otp Morattry always most delightful when deep thoughts stir him, and he grows mystical. But in this mood one has to take time to think him out. Business done.—Tithes Bill postponed. Friday.—Crowded House. No one looking at it would think grouse has been daily on dinner-table since Tuesday. Questions over, Harcourt rose, and put supplementary one to Speaker. Was it in order to proceed further in Committee with Tithes Bill‘ upon Amendments that made it quite a new Bill? Should it not rather be brought in as new Bill ? ‘* Why, cert’nly,” said the Speaker. Then Oxp Moratiry came up tearful. In circumstances no alter- | native but to withdraw the Bill. But no one could fathom the poignant regret with which he yielded to cireumstances. Hancovrt rose from other side of table. Yes, he understood Oty Moratirr, for he, too, was heart-broken at fate of Bill. Was it too late, did Ory Morattry think, to resuscitate it? Yes—Orp Monatrry, in broken voice, thought it was. Then Harcovrt, breaking down, oa over the Bill, and Ocp Moratiry mingled his tears with those the | fall of which sobered the whilom jubilant countenance of Harcovrt. “A most affecting scene,” said J. G. Taxnor, suspiciously sniffing; ‘‘ Reminds me of the words of the Poet :— “ For when we came where lies the Bill We lost in other years, There above the little grave, Oh, there above the little grave, We kissed again with tears.” Business done.—The Tithes Bill’s—quite. ing. Well, we try to pass it

_apoene worth ims “ Satt.”—The Standing Committee on | 2.

Ladies, or some of them, subsequently remedied this omission ;

i} NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by @ Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception

RIC] mw and

Agents A angle be to amy

DIS

Page 15

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avevsr 24, 1889.

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Page 16

i tins ltl ee ss 8 Oe nn rr a

| Sir CHARLES A. CAMERON, M.D.,

| Lever Brothers, Warrington, and the | following are the results at which [

A Pi: OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL— NN DLC. Ll eee eS”.

SE i

> _