Punch 1889-06-08: Vol 96 Iss 2500

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B R 8 id , 6a,| “ The diction moves in a sort of endless y G. D. LESLIE, R.A., Royal 8vo, wide margin, price 12s. | ripple, now telling of water-reeds, and ‘| \OUR RIVER. arn ew with Illustrations. ank-flowers, a rds; now lingering | (THE THAMES, " | pleasantly over some of the traditions and | The Illustrations by the AuTHor, H. S. Marks, R.A., Briton Rivierg, R.A., and the | o/d-world lore of which the Thames fur- | late Frep. WALKER, A.R.A. (16 full-page on Plate, and the remainder in the Text.) | sishes such a good!y quantity.” —GRAPHIO.

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“SONS@ 23UH4 N* 2500. VOLUME a z . > . ie) “ I L d o =) - SN (A DE —_—_— oan TOTO £7 Se a iw! Pre Ne ! vii: Wks, eV Ve Lian) NM i Pil ale 7 i s PUNCH OFFICE, 85, — STREET, “~~~ age AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERA. ih. “=x HEDGES aNd BUTLER\ PRINCE or WALES. LONDON AND_ BRIGHTON.

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Joums 8, 1889.

| BLACKWOOD'S MAGAZINE, | Bo. 804.—J742, 1889.——2s. 64. | Cow rer ts. | AN ARCADIAN SUMMER Tos luracetons oF am lmpaeeet rer 2 OLPH OF HAPSBURG. By Parepetce Semen Teareceres st Gra Tutopo ee Meerm, K.O.8. LADY BAuY. Omsre ZKI—EXKITI ELIZABETH OF VALOIS ANU THE TRAGEDY OF DON CARLOS. By Leap Lemiverer | TWO OLD INDIANS AND a DIAM ND 1HE OLD 64100%—Taese Two Curere of Dev- wor; of, Aw lame BRemawece of tras Last Conron,—Geawer-tem—A Lorpos Lare— Piste Peawone Mowsect, aee Oreee Sronies —Bcmsects asd Orusa Saeton+s DICKY © WKIN®,; OR, THE BOOKMAKER oF THE vv rBK BRING By Jacu tas Seer- se A Tavs Greer THE OLD LOV# AND Tae NEW. By A Lave. KOM TO ISfAHA™. By Cotomet Mana Seven Beue. VO. ADC, Rovae Broveeees. With Map end Diagram NEW LIGHTS ON THS CENTENARY OF THE REVULUTION PROCEDURE IN THE HOUSE OF COMM NG. By the ew Som HH. Srerrone Noaracers, Bast., MP

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President, ‘‘ SMITH, OUR NOBLE SELVES! QUITE RIGHT TO ADJOURN FoR THE Dersy, Day!” | Jue 8, 1889.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 269 MUGS Par0 SPECIAL COMMISSIONERS FAR ON COMMISSION. May 28, 29, 30, and 31.—The feature of the week has been the examination and cross-examination of Mr. Biacar. Of course, it would be very wrong to comment upon the evidence of the distinguished humorist in question, but I must be permitted to say at there were many present who expec a scene, when he was called, something like the following :— Counsel (rising and referring to his brief). Mr. Bieear, I think you are a politician ? Witness (rubbing his head). Bedad, Sorr that am I, asthe pig said when he turned himself into bacon ! Roars of laughter. Counsel (quietly amused), Never mind the pig for the moment, Mr. Bracar. Witness (quaintly). But begorrah, Sorr, if I don’t ee the pig, the pig won’t mind me! fy mo laughter. ‘ounsel (biting his lip). How long have you been in the House of Commene P Witness. The House of Commons, is it? (Stroking his nose with his forefinger.) Shure it became the House of un-Commons when I jined it! [Further laughter. Counsel (suppressing a smile), Pray be serious, Mr. Biecar. Witness, Serious is it! Look at that, now! How will [ be serious? (With a merry twinkle in his eye.) Do ye take me for an ould blind fiddler, who can’t rade be- cause it’s too dark for him to say! &c., &c., &e. [ Genera merriment. I must admit that certainly Mr. Bracar did not give his evidence in a manner closel resembling the above. On the other hand, I should exceedingly loth to assert that his cross-examination was at all like the following :— Counsel (rising deferentially). I think, Mr. Bieear, you have devoted many years of your life to public affairs ? (Every one in Court on the alert for some- “Nt / ‘. aie Ww a” FROM THE MADDING CROWD. Witness (gravely). Certainly. Counsel, { do not wish to unduly press | you, but can you give me any idea of how | many years have been thus devoted ? [The Public smilingly expectant for a bon-mot ms unusual bri ee witness (solemnly). I cannot say. Counsel. May we take it that you have been engaged in public affairs for some twenty years or so? [Audience on the qui vive for the best thing heard during this century. Witness (with a sigh). 1 believe so. Counsel. Iam sure you will credit me, Mr. Biaear, when I say that I have no inten- tion of fixing you to dates; but may I take it that those twenty years may be said to extend from 1869 to 1889 ? [General anticipation of something waggish beyond parallel, Witness (wearily). Probably, &c., &c., Ke. [ General somnolence. A less important incident of the week was the appearance of Mr. Artuur 0’Conyor (late ot the War Office, and now a member of the British Bar) without his wig. On Fri- day, the Court adjourned until the 18th of June, on the understanding (which, however, was not expressed in terms) that, if neces- sary, there should be a purely informal in- terim meeting of both sides on the 5th—at Epsom. (Signed) 4 Brirvress, Junior. Pump-handle Court. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. A Mystery of Queen Anne's Gate, by RIcHARD ARKWRIGHT, is a good story in two volumes, for which the author must be praised, as he might have spun it out into three. It would have been r in one volume, as though the story is interesting and the ex- citement well sustained, yet you can skip handfuls of it at a time—plenty of skipping of rope—and get through the novel easily within a three hours’ railway journey. ** Alone I did it!” “EN BON PRINCE.” Writes our Prince to Howarp Vincent :-— **T prefer to think you inn’cent Of the mess at the Parade Of the gallant Fire Brigade, ** When the crowd would have been cleared Had you never interfered, And the Medals would have been Graciously bestowed, I ween. ** I forgive and I forget, But, Unt-’Oward Vincent, let That unlucky Saturday, ’Twas the twenty-fifth of May,— In your mems be marked, en noir, * Medal and Muddle.’ Aw revoir!” PETITES BOUCHEES DE BUSHEY. ‘* A coop play needs no Bushey.” **Off with bonnets! Hat-tention!” ** Light modern Comie Opera I do not des- ise, as is proved by my engagement of rothy—Dene.” FANCY IMPRESSIONIST PORTRAIT. (By Don Lunatico Inky Rendo.) Professor Hair-Comber of Bushey. ‘If Miss D. D. makes a great success here, I shall engage her permanently and call this the Deanery.” ** Joun Surtu, I’ve heard thatname befure.” T compose these little things in my Idy] moments. “Tam going to compose an ode to the County in which I dwell. **T shall call it Herts, mein Herts!” ** Hope to give this performance in the Hall of my College, All Souls’ Oxford. ‘ Bene natus,’ I’ve always enjoyed excellent health, Was born well, an Lope to continue so—‘ Bene vestitus,’ everyone will come in evening dress ; no bonnets or hats, ‘ Modsrate doctus'— Mustn’t know too much about it. Don’t like self-sufficient critics. thing witty in reply. exercise, and youcan give yourself any amount VOL, XCVI, AA HH., A.R.A., BA., Oxon,”

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| 270 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 8, 1888, | “MODUS OPERANDI.” (The Covent Garden Government and Her Majesty's Opposition.) ees May 28.—How plucky of Borro to have written Mefistofele, after Gouwop had made such a success with Faust. It was almost as if Mefistofele were tempting the gifted Composer into a Mefisto-failure. If 80, Mephistopheles was done, not for the first time, and done remarkably well. The impressive prologue was — = es ——s - Mad Maggie frightens Funny Little Faust. magnificent.y rendered, Signor Novara taking Signor CasTEiMARY's oe at short notice, which made ‘‘no vara great difference” as Miss McIwrrne observed in her best Seotch McAccent. Why call her ‘‘ Mademoiselle” in the bills’ Aiblins (whatever that may be), but she’s a puir and bonnie Scotch lassie, and nae French. She looked charming as Borro’s Marguerite, who is much more of a genuine ingénue than is Gouwop’s girl, and sang superbly. I shall welcome the time when she oan rely entirely upon oe f, and act her part without keeping one eye on Signor Mancrvexz to see if it’s all nght. I dare say Mawerwen likes it: I should, if I were in his plece,—and, by the way, if I were in his place, what a row there’d in the orchestra! Of course, the old musical hands in the orchestra sympathise with her, and yet must wish that she should be out of their leading-strings. Even when she goes as mad as a hatter—as a Straw-hatter—(is this anywhere near the solu- tion as to the origin of this erbial simile ’?)—her rule seems to be, ‘“‘ Keep my eye on my MANCINELLI, and my MANcrNeEL will pull me through.”” Madame HI, is a jovial Marta, far too wicked for Mephistopheles, who objects to being Marta’d in Marta- rimony. Sly humour of Borto’s in introducing a little bit of Waowenr, well-played and by Signor Rovatpry1 in true Warbling Wag’ner style, in the First Act. How poet that German dance is! It haunts me for days afterwards, and what a contrast is ite peasant Hine clumsiness to the ful classical movement of the Grecian Ladies in the Troy Town Act, where the warbling Wag'ner reappears as Nereus—just like him—and Marta comes out in classieal drapery as a lady of the name of Panta/lis (who was she when she was at home?) who does her best to play nothing on an old harp with damp strings—not a true harp, but a lyre—and sings a charming duet with Hetew McGrecor; no, I should say Herew McIwrrre of Troy, our sweet Belle Héléne, from whom Orrenpacu- again memories expect the song of ‘‘ O Belle Venus, quel ist trouves-tu?” ** Ah, Scmwerper, how you vas!” as Rip Vax Jerrer- son WINKLE used to say. The Opera is not a light one, but it was made heavy by the ‘‘ waits’’ between the Acts; especially the Tro Wait. The Brocken Scene raised the enthusiasm of the house, an would have restored the spirits—it was full of them—of even the most Brocken-hearted Manager, which DaugioLawvs most decidedly isn’t. Thursday. — An eventful evening for the Cosmopolitan Orga- nising Opera Committee. Irish Tenor with Scotch name was to have played on Italian Opera 8 in German Opera Lohengrin. Rather mixed, Be meer Signor Bartow: Mac-arowi Gockini unfortu- nately sprained his ankle, and it didn’t come off. By “it,” I mean the event. Kather than disappoint the brilliant house assembled to meet him, Signor M‘Gucxrmw would have been only too pleased to have come on as i " m in a Bath- wn by swans, and sung with all the fervour and sweetness of which he is capable. The Organising ittee all for the i uch a nevelty. Dxuxio- Lanus decided against it. ‘‘ Bad precedent,” said the astute Manager, ‘‘ for Tenor to come on in Bath-chair.” So Daw Daanpr Junior, took the part at short notice, and acquitted himself as well as the short notice would permit. Audience, following the excellent a example of punctuality set by Their Royal Highnesses, came jn early, and stopped till the wobbling property pigeon, a very easy shot for any marksman with half an eye for a penn’orth at the cocoa-nuts, had descended, and all was over with the wicked Ortrude, who is popetesty interfering between the Wedding Eocking ond. caging chanmingty ng singi y as Miss ehely Dba, without . ~ I! Cavaliero Bartoni Mac-aroni Guckini as a Knight of the Bath—chair. | even saying, “ hope I don’t do ought rude.” | Hardly 4 i Norpica in new fair-haired wig, and evidently she looked much taller than last season, Bvidestiy grown rapidly qn blic opini Puir Seotch Lassie Meets Mclyrvne, in a state of Scotch lassie-tude, reclined in the and was clearly | surprised at finding herself on the wrong side of the Curtain. Mr. Hewny CHapiiw was radiant after his successful bimetallistic depu- tation, and insisted on explaining to Davriotanvs the theory of bimetallism. Drvriotanvs, equal to the occasion, comprehended it in a twinkle, ‘‘I see,” he said, “ bicycle thing on two wheels; ‘biped,’ creature on two . peds: bimetallism evidently means doubling the prices. Won’t do, my boy; won’t do, Tata!” The Manpi— Fitrscn-Mant, I should say —in great force as Ortrude. Opera magnificently put on the stage ; everything first- rate excep e property- moulting wobbling pigeon, and sooner he is put into a property-pie, and seen no more, the better for the finish of Lohengrin, Or- chestra conducted by Man- TALINI, — no, MANCIVELLI, —superb, Vive [ Opéra! Saturday. — Rentrée of Madame Asani. Every- body enraptured. But w the Story of ALFRED an ** Oh, this is a Gye-ful moment!" the Cakes, called Za Traviata? Alfred, in this case, could hardly be called Aurrep the Great, and Madame ALnani had doybtless some- thing to contend against in Signor Tatazac’s curious idea of a lover's on, and Signor Cotoent’s quaint conception of paternal pa But, despite these drawbacks, what a triumph was hers, and how well did Violetta deserve the huge bouquets of roses and lilies, orchids and iris, which were presented to her at the close of the First and Second Acts respectively! A brilliant House apcereatly had eyes and ears for Violetta alone, though it certainly did not let her e when her liquid trills and lovely piano passages fairly brought it down. Alfred the Little sang his Da in the duet in the Last Act with some sweetness and effect ; and Signor Cotoen1’s powerful voice would probably please more if his peculiar facial play and manual movements did not quite so strongly convey the idea that he was playing alternately at Dumb Crambo and Forfeits. . Her Majesty's Opposition.—The Session commeneed with the Barbiere, bly in the hope that that Opera might save, or rather shave, it from disaster. Signor Paprtxa (certainly one of the best Figaros of modern times) gives it most valuable support. But ass solitary swallow does not make a summer, a singular celebrity (espe- cially when of the male sex) does not always create a season’s success. Fortunately the Rosina, Madame Garcano, and the A/mariva of Bignor Vicry1 (who Rppears vicariously for someone else), are equall . From the appearance of the House generally, I faney that Her Majesty's Opposition is not unlikely to secure what may be termed ‘‘a good working minority.” Arrer the ceremony last Saturday, Prince Gzonex of Wales is in fall of the Liberty of the City of London. He can do what- ever he likes. It is Georcx without the drag on. This freedom is H.R.H.’s hereditary right ; so, as a Citizen, he is ‘‘ free as the heir. | |

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Juve 8, 1889.}

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“ SIZING.” “*‘ Sizing,’ is nowadays practised by some of the Lancashire millowners to an extent which is neither fair nor reasonable, and js distinctly caleulated to injure the reputation of British Cot- ton-stuffs in the markets of the world.”"—Morning Post. Tus shows a state of trade extremely rotten : To Cotton-doctoring Punch cannot cotton, Even Joun CHINAMAN is scarce so callow As to be diddled long by flour and tallow. Shame, Cotton-spinners? On your own confessing, ‘** Fraudulent sizing” is not “‘ needful dressing.” What constitutes true “shirtings” ’ Reason halts When powdered spar, and deliquescent salts, Magnesium, and calcium, are meant, To the extent of seventy-five per cent. A British patriot does not like to think Of China clay, plus muriate of zine, As making u the — part of sheeting ; Or of starch, Epsom , and soda meeting — Se

——-~~+~ —————— SAS Sass Sn PRANAS ~ a SS Se, = —S— = = ~ SSS — + St ~ SN Sa Ree. & oe ee ————— = —— = —— In cotton-cloth. Who views with temper placid A blend of curd-soap and carbolic acid, French chalk and maize, dextrine and Irish moss, Meeting in “‘ lining” to the buyers’ loss; Or pane flour, palm-oil, and British gum ~ — : ss SaaS =

———=S=—= LS * | Making of honest “‘ stuff » the merest hum ? Punch must be down upon those Cotton-spinners, | Who against British honour are such sinners ; Conspiring in a way, base as unwise, | To Jessen England’s greatness by her “‘ size,” AnorHER Rival to the Grand Hotel at Charing Cross,— Verpi’s Grand Otell (O!!) at the Lyceum in July, started by M. H. L. Maver er Cre. — ~ 0 y ‘*That Lovely Night in June!” J (The Fourth at Eton.) i Iii a sa Tue QuEeEN surveyed the boats. ‘*The Monarch” gay ; Bis JP aH peep Pursued ** the even ten-oar of its way,” eS With its own ‘‘ Sitter,” so called, I'll explain, Because he “* stands” a ten-oar for champagne— SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY. At least he should. I'll write, to music choice, _ a ” The Monarch Boat-song for a ten-oar voice. But wHY pO You WANT TO Marry ner!”—“ Because I Love ner! (Signed) Brocas Mr. Laureate, didit. **My pear Fetiow, THAT’s AN Excuse—not A Reason!” ’ lan. They were painting a house opposite, and the workmen had WHAT MR. PUNCI"S MOON SAW. left their rs; perhaps, he suggested, if he fetched one, the SIXTEENTH EVENING. upper windows might be found to have been left unfastened. “T kNow a young policeman,” the Moon told Mr. Punch. ‘“‘He| ‘*Sothe policeman and the gentleman brought the ladder between | is extremely civil and obliging, but he has not been very long in the | them, and, curiously h, the upper window had been left un- force. His beat lies in a highly| fastened—which showed that the young constable knew something . fashionable and secluded district, | of the world. And presently I saw the > go up and enter and the other evening his services | through the window, and then the lovely lady, after pressing a half- were called into request in a/| crown in the policeman’s palm preps , with graceful timorousness somewhat strange manner. He|toascend. ‘ t fun it would be,’ I heard her say, with a musical was going his rounds, and quite | little laugh, ‘ supposing another policeman saw me now and took me enjoying the clamp of his heavy|for a burglar!’ ‘No fear o’ that, Ma’am,’ he answered, gallantly boots on the pavement, when he|‘ not when J’m at hand.’ Then she went up the ladder, higher and came upon a gentleman and lady | higher, till he could only see a dim grey form aloft, and then the ~ standing in great perplexity by | window was cautiously closed, and the house was dark and still once * the area railings of one of, the| more. The young policeman gazed up at it sentimentally ; a light : houses, which was all dark and/| shone in the upper room ; he pictured .the beautiful mother bendin » shut up. My beams shone clearly | over her sick thild’s cot, and, reverently and tenderly, he remoy on the party: on the constable, | the ladder which had been hallowed by her feet. } sap my wee uponhim} ‘Suddenly it occurred to me that the couple who lived in that to remember that he was a police- | house were quite middle-aged people, and had no child to be feverish. man and adopt a surface suspicion; | I remembered now, too, that they had left home that very after- on the pretty pale face of the lady, | noon on a short visit. Gould the ady and gentleman have mistaken under whose furred cloak could be| the house? I think they must have done so, though it took them ; seen the shimmer of her evening | nearly an hour to find it out, for it was much later when I next saw gown: on the gentleman, who was also in evening dress, and who| them both come out by the little garden at the back, when the seemed humorously annoyed at —- as he ht vainly in| gentleman helped the {,. the wall into a side street. He hada all his pockets. ‘This is —— constable!’ he mn ‘come out in his hand, which I not noticed before, and she seemed to be without our latch-key!’ e young policeman offered to ring and | carrying ym ey her cloak. I fancy they went out that knock for them, but the lady would not hear of it. bm | because they did not like to trouble that obliging young con- frighten darling Lriy so,’ she said, ‘and the poor child has been so| stable a second time, which was a pity, because, as it happened, he feverish all day.’ She had such a sweet voice, and her eyes looked | was in front of the house at that very moment. His beat had brought so large and so pathetic in my 7 that the young policeman felt | him round there a second time, and he could not help stopping to himself becoming less official. ‘0 Policeman,’ she said, ‘ can't you | glance up once more at the windows, where there was no any think of anything? Fancy not tobe able to get into one’s own house!’ | light to be seen. I heard him sigh and hum a little snatch of a song, “ The policeman reflected for a moment; it was so gratifying to| rather out of tune, as he went clumping on his round, for it is quite feel that this beautiful lady had such confidence in Eins that he | a mistake to suppose that there is less human nature in policemen naturally wished to show that he deserved it. At last he hit upon a! than in other people. And this was a very young policeman, too.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Jose 8, 1889, |

= | | Yh i ! d/ ~ yit WY bh. Ih’ 2FZ yt ! = (apy toMy CO ‘| i +g ad = HS) CZ Bh ” <c -~/ a - ae Ae, Sa ee ree Sake MR. PUNCH’S NOTES-——iIN CORRECT TIME.

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Juxe 8, 1889.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 273 | —_— = “FRIGHTFUL CREATURES.”—Heraldry in Parliament. Dedicated to the First Commissioner of W

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ESSENCE OF PARL'AMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. yy ©House of C s, Monday, May 27.—For swiftness, neatness and effectiveness, just rough enough, but not too rough, have heard / nothing in Parliament better than Piuwxer’s tumbling-over to- night of Groroz CamppeLt. Cavenpisu-Bentincx, that eminent sesthete, brought forward question of the Griffins on the staircase in Westminster Hall, rapplemented by_ question from J. Eris, PLuwKet answered with fine gary, Gomes how some of the sculptured animals represent su ing arms of a i, Beeaae _ and Queen animals on newels of staircases and tops without heraldic meaning.” Subject seemed, as Piunxer said, ex- hausted by this elaborate reply, when up jumped Gronox CamPseE_t, | | always ready to put in word on any question from Camberwell to

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274 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 8, 1889, | Cathay. House now always takes him good-humouredly ; roared in simulated indignation. Above the uproar Camppect’s voice heard shrilly demanding whether Piusxet was himself *‘ responsible for permitting these fearful creatures to be put up in Westminster Hall?” tather a rude question as it stands ; but nothing particular meant ; only CAMPBELL’s pretty way. P.uwxket came back to table ; waited for uproar to subside, then, nodding and smilin pees at Sir Groner, said, ‘‘I am not sible for the fearfu creatures either in Westminster Hall or in this House.” Bolt went straight home; Camrsett wriggled up, nervousl nursing his expressive right knee; House roared with delight laughter; Campsett concluded that, on the whole, had perhaps better not interpose when PLuwxer in the lists. After this, House prepared itself for another evening with Scotch Members. Adjourned debate on Local Government Bill down as first Order; just when majority of Members were preparing to rush out, and air of resignation iualien over faces of Loxp ApvocaTE and Rrrenre, who must needs remain in place, Irish Members burst in ; raised debate on Luggacurran Evictions. O'Brien’s first appearance since release from prison. Once more face to face with BaLrour. A striking contrast the two men, ler and prisoner; the one fair, débonnatre, smiling, reclining wi agus grace on the Treasury Bench ; the other standing upright with clenched fist, set lips, pale face, flashing eyes, hoarse, passionate voice. Shut up for weeks and months, and now all the long-pent stream of wrath dashed down- | would d ward like a cataract. Batrour bore it ywell. Talk went on to dinner-time ; then Division, and Scotch business began. Business done.—More Scotch debate. Tuesday.—Tim's back again. Been for some time in Ireland attending to his own business. Now comes to Westminster to look after nation’s. No opportunity for not knowing Trim Hearty is in House when he once puts in an appearance. As GrorcEr Curzon says, “‘ his voice is heard through rolling drums, that beat to battle where he stands.” Gave Home Secrerary a genuine start, by suddenly appealing to SreaKER on matter of order, touching little dinner- arty Matruews gave on Saturday. What ™ really wanted was opportunity of publicly hitting out at Rowtanp BLENNERHASSET, whose name cropped > Special Com- mission as having subscribed certain sums of money for dispensation by an energetic searcher after truth. BLENNERHASSET, Other- A wise of retiring dixposition, takes no part in ff public affairs; Tim longing to give him an Oliver for his Rowland. Difficulty how to do it? Chance unconsciously provided by innocent Home Secretary. Gave customary dinner in honour of Queen's Birthday; invited among other friends the Judges on Special Commission and BLENNERHASSET. ere was Tim's opportunity. Used it with superb gravity. Called Srxakenr’s attention to fact that, in addition to three Judges, one of the guests was Sir Rowtanp BLEnyer- wasset, ‘‘a person implicated in the Picorr forgeries.” oh That was what Tru wanted to say. In Tim ’s back. order to say it, framed question to Srzaxer, as to who had control over House and its precincts? Sreaxex obli to answer, with egual gravity, that he had no control over gentlemen who came to dinner within precincts of House, Tim much obliged for reply, and business proceeded. ** Wasn't sure at first I could manage it, Tony, dear boy,” Tim said, his honest face suffused with satisfaction. ‘* But you see | managed it. Suppose I had got up in my place and said, ‘Sir RowLaNnD BLENNERHASSET is a person implicated in the Picorr forgeries’ ; there would have been an awful uproar; I should have been out of order; Speaker would have been down on me; perhaps I would have been ‘named’; and then where would I have been? But, you see, I wrap it up in a question, fire it off accidentally as as it were, the boys cheer and the thing's done. Apart from BLENNER- HASSET, quite worth while doing to see how frightened Matrnews was when I alluded to him. For a bit of real sport, if you know how to manage it, give me the House of Commons.” Business done.— V ote on Account taken. Thursday.—Since Piunxer flashed forth his answer to Grorcr Campsewt the other night about “‘ fearful creatures” in and out of House, has been a marked tendency on part of Ministers to sparkle at Question Time. Home Secrerany tried it to-night with Grorce CAMPBELL again for subject. It seems that Grorex, taking his walks abroad, has exclusively enjoyed spectacle of cabs running over citizens, Would appear that, walking down from Southwell Gardens to Westminster, scarcely a turning at which he did no | come upon man, woman, or child under the hoofs of a ruthless cab. horse. Lived in India some time; Juggernaut nothing to it. How Secaetary sits with arms folded, legs crossed, his face suffused with highly cultivated aspect of incredulity. a ** Are the police to stand by,” CampBect insists, ‘‘ and see cabs come up and knock persons down without interference or remop. strance? Will the Right Hon. Gentleman take up the subject ?” No human impulse more natural, even in a Home Secretary, than to take up a subject if he accidentally finds it knocked down by a ca} ata street corner. But Marrnews a lawyer, accustomed to quibbles. . “There is,” he replied, ‘‘a statute in force. What handle is there, then, for taking up the subject?” This posed Campnett; not ~~ for that way of looking at it, Time might come, if this sort of thing went unchecked, that no father of a family would go out in London streets without first providing himself with a handle by which he might be - - up when knocked down by a cab. That time not yet arrived. Home Sxcre- TARY, took base advantage; House rudely laughed; Campsey temporarily subsided. ‘ Other answer was from Artuvr Bacrovr. Questioned as to sale of lands in Ulster by London Companies, he CHaRes Lewis | had Motion on paper, which referred to subject ; when it came on iscuss it. ** But,” said Crancy, “‘ Suppose this Motion never comes on; what does the Right Hon. Gentleman propose to do?” “When that eventuality occurs,” said Batrour, ‘‘I shall be ready to answer the question.” val ; ; A pretty answer this, imbued with the spirit of Philosophie Doubt. No one knows whether he quite meant what he said, or whether he | accidentally stumbled on this deliciously round-about way of saying he would never answer question. Crowded House sat for a moment a and silent; then there was a titter, ending in a roar of ughter: in which Axtuur blushingly joined. : Business done.—Scotch Local Government Bill read Second Time. Friday.—S8cotch business in the morning, Indian in the evening, The morning and the evening a dull day. LA VIE A LA ROOSE. Tue art of prolonging life being, of course, a most interesting subject to everybody, Dr. Ronson Roose who is always “‘ up to date,” deals with it in the Fortnightly for this month—still ably conducted by the open and frank Harris (not Drurrotanvs of that ilk)—and treats his subject as well as he treats his patients, which is saying a | great deal, but not too much. Here are some notes arising out of a careful perusal of his article which may be of use to him on a future occasion, should he resume the subject. 1.— Question, Are men or women the longer lived? Answer. We have all heard of Old Parr, but never of Old Ma. Perhaps one reason is that any allusion to a lady’s age is considered impolite. 2.—Q. How to prolong life ?—A. Live above Parr. 3.—Q. ‘* Three-seore and ten” is ‘‘ accepted,” says Dr. R. R., “* pretty generally.” Are musicians long-lived 7—A. Yes, as a rule, because they live after they have completed several scores. 4.—Q. Is there any Longevity Association to which we can | belong >—A. The Eighty Club is the nearest approach to it. ; 5.—Q. Is there anyone now living who was alive four centuries ?—.A. Certainly. Four centuries ago were the Middle Ages. A ago , number of middle-aged people still exist. ,*, This is a fact which, | strangely enough, has escaped the Doctor’s notice. 6.—Q. The Doctor recounts how one old woman, who never washed, but rubbed her face with lard, lived to 106. What rank in a ba! she ?—A. We should say she must have been addressed as “ —] “hdd 7.—Q. The Doctor is against “ tricycling” for old men. Why?— | i ff man who has completed one | A. Doctor is wrong here. For an o f cycle, to go on to two cycles and up to three, cannot do him any possible harm. He will be a hale and hearty Tricyclinarian. 8.—Q. Dr. Parken is quoted as recommending rice to old persons because of the starch in it. Would not a diet of nice white ties fresh from the washerwoman’s do equally as well?—A. Yes. The dis on be ineluded in the vegetarian list, and called white arti- chokers. 9.—Q. Rest is absolutely necessary. Can you suggest a form of diet or exercise, or both, which will economise time by including simultaneous rest ?—A. Certainly. Go to a hee a. and take forty winks. As for exercise ; quiet games are good, therefore Go Nap” as often as possible. ’ inall , A. Funeh prenate his compliments to Dr. R. R. and repeats Rip Van Winkle’s salutation, ‘‘ Here’s your health, and your family’s, and may you live long and brosber !” Fasuions ror Dexsy Weex.—Handicaps and Foolscape. | | |

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~~ a SS se SS SNS — — == SS> . =~ ~j ——— ——— . —— PUNCH, OR THE LONDO “WON IN : Me. Poxwcu. “CONGRATULATE YOU, MY LORD! ‘NAVAL DEFENCE’

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INDO ARIVARI.—June 8, 1889. Se —_——. — M CANTER!” CE’ WP BOUND TO WIN :—THE OPPOSITION STABLE WASN'T IN IT!!”

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June 8, 1889.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | “WON IN A CANTER!” | A Cottoquy ow THE Course ArTeR THE Great Race. Scenr—The Derby Course in the vicinity of the Judge's Box. The Derby Winner, ** Naval Defence,” being led away. Crowd closes in, shouting; Mr. Judge Punch descends to congratulate the Owners of the Successful Horse, Crowd. Hooray! Hooray! Sir W. H-re-rt (aside). Ah, shout, brave boys! You’d bellow As yf for any other fellow Who owned the Winner. Mr. M-ri-y (drily). Even for you, Sir Wriu1aM! Sir W. vee. Flatter myself in enterprise and skill, am Equal to 8-1L-sp-ry and his “‘ boy ” together. H-m-.t-n with the crack, and such rare weather, Couldn’t help winning ; in a real race I doubt if he’d contrive to get a place. But, hang it all, their Stable has such luck. Lord Gr-nv-lle, Sugar-Loaf cut up badly in the ruck. Sir W, mr’ Only their second string! Look at His sorrel face melts sweetly at success So brilliant—and so 7, Mr. Judge P-nch (to Lord 8.), Well, my Lord, Even a Judge impartial can afford Congratulations upon such a win. Naval Defence was certainly well in. Rather on the small side, perhaps ; not quite The shape and size of one in the first flight Of mv heroes ; still he quite outstrode Anything that the other jockeys rode ; And romped in every inch a winner. Lord 8-|-sb-ry. Yes! Yet we were scarcely cocksure of success. The horse had not filled out as some expected. Lord Cuarwzs, for instance, fancied he detected Weediness and a slight peacocky action, Nor did I feel the fullest satisfaction With H-m-.r-n’s peculiar style of riding, Which sometimes checks a horse at its full striding. He’s not an ArcnEeR, GrorGre,—but no matter | Fancy this victory is like to shatter The other Stable’s p ts for the season. What can they do,—unless they trot out 7reason ? And he is stale and short of work. Of course They may possess the great dark Irish horse They magnify mysteriously. If so, Let ’s have him out and see how he on ge! . Judge Punch, Naval Defence, my Lord, was bound to win, Although he might not carry all your tin As you suggest, for in the rival Stable It is no secret there was nothing able To vanquish him, or even to extend him, For this race, anyhow. Mr, Ch-mb-ri-n. Fortune befriend him! As we have done, Lord H-xt-net-n and I. Lord §-\-sb-ry (bowing). Our dual providence ! Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (aside), More mockery, My black-a-vised Coriolanus! Well, e’ll see one day who is the bigger swell, Anon, perhaps your ** dual providence” Mt ‘Quik = ‘ y he verde But for th Mr, G-sch-n ng himself). But for the expense I rather li e this union of Stables. Our champion anyhow has turned the tables Upon the Hawarden-cum- Hibernia lot. GL-pst-NE does look as though he ’d caught it hot. (Which will please Joseru.) As for icy P-RNn-.1, His countenance is cheerful as a charnel. While H-nc-nt like a (burst) captive balloon— Ha! ha!—seems vastly like descending soon. Wishes he ’d joined us, doubtless. ines H-rt-ngt-n. oh ¥ How they ag e€ swarming s! en racing gets a bore, Now the hot polloi take such interest in it. Mr. Gl-dst-ne. ing all round,I see! But wait a ; minute ! Sir W. Hl-re-rt. A minute ? Mr. Gi-dst-ne. Well, a year, or maybe two. Sir W. H-re-rt. Oh, years are nothing to a youth like you; “ Oh no, we never mention her! Her name is never heard!” SHE HAD BEEN TO THE STATE BALL—AND HER NAME WAS OMITTED IN EVERY List Next MoRNING! ‘“‘Is Lire Wortn Livina?t” But I confess that I should like to see A champion in our stables, my dear G. Fancy their winning with that three-legged crock ! Whilst Jox, the renegade, can mouth and mock The bareness of our stalls. Mr, Gl-dst-ne. Ah, you must school Your soul to patience, WiLL1AM mine. Home Rule Is not so out of it as some suppose ; He’ ll * come again,” to G-scu-n’s shame—and Jor’s. Sir W.. H-re-rt. Evergreen Hopeful ! by Jove, he ’s right ; Mr, M-rl-y. But, Though ** aged,” he will beat them out of sight, These cocky ‘‘ three year olds,”’ before he’s done. Lord R. Ch-rch-ll, By Jove,'the Stable ’s having lots of fun. Naval Defence has brought them fame and pelf. I almost wish I’d backed the brute myself! Lord C. B-r-sf-rd, What did I tell you, Rawpom? ‘ Back the Favourite!” Although the Stable did not - behave aright, According to my notion. Only fault I find with them is that they seemed to halt. The crack was bound to win, if they would run him, But I maintain they should have had more on him ! (Left arguing. All the Difference, WuetnHer women shall, or shall not, have the Parliamentary Suffrage, is regarded as ‘‘ a burning question;” whether they should, or should not, have more than threepence for lining a pair of trousers, making nine buttonholes, and sewing on nine buttons, is not—save by the poor souls who toil night and day for that pitiful pay. Well, this button business may not be ‘a burning question” —yet ; but it is certainly a ‘‘ burning shame.” Tue ALEXANDRA Patace.—Is it an Apey thought to have a Monkey Show? Should the London publie be disappointed, its monkey would be up, and the Alexandra would suffer. On Sunday, if fine, the Apes might be shown Monkey uae, o*, by Go Wan permission of the noble owner, taken for a treat to pethorpe.

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[Juxe 8, 1889, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 280 No. 70. INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. \ae=Fy | ok, bee eee j THE L.C.C. DOWN TO THE DERBY. MR. ROSEBERY TAKES THE MEMBERS OF

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_Joxs 8, 1889.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. uaaees, , : te, ate the? Ga a . i i) Te ) ty Sr hey Serena ic pint ) | J Dis ai A FELINE AMENITIES. Proud Mother (piqued that her Child's advances meet with no response from Fair Stranger). ‘‘Wuy, BABY DEAR, THAT's NOT YOUR GRANDMA ! | man, insted of ‘a honest Inglishman, as ewerybody had thort him to ROBERT ON THE DARBY. ‘be, and so had bin chivied off the Course by a angry mob of his Au, there was a time when I looked forrard for the Darby for | °ustomers, who all discovered as they was all rayther my oe weeks to come as one of the grandest days of the hole year, and now insted of worry lenge winners, as they had all fondly hoped as they strange to say, I’m not @ going. And why? Well, for sevral|W28! Wot a dishoovery for a poor Waiter, who, after goin reasons. In the first place I don’t like the downs as I used to, || through all the hagony of the prewious two or fae ft Sho dence remember thinking last year that it was about the stickyest place | xcitement of the acshal five minets, py te when wet and the dustyest place when as ‘ever I I don’t | Humpire as a prowd winner, and then, when he cums for his farely remember as I used to care much about them little suckumstances | WU0 money, insted of receiving back his one golden suvverain as he years ago, but I spose as wo gits mare partcklor the more olde we| Zefrauded of all four by a ewindling Welshnan, & grows. In the secon —whic - is gin where | 4¢ my favorit horse finds hiseel at the hend of io eny—t sitch a | disconsolate home a looser of two dose of bad luck last year that I was afeard of repeating it. I didn’t care about telling a at the time, coz I finds as one never gits no simpathy on sitch sad ocasions but rayther plenty of charf and plenty of reticule, but as it’s now a hole year ago, I plucks up my c and speaks out like a man. Wal then, I had larst year, thro 0 sporting frend of mine, the werry stratest of strate tips, and, what’s remarkable strange, it come off all rite. I lade no less than one golden suvverain to three on the favorit and another golden suvverain to six on another favorit, | x and my fust favorit won and the second lost the a winner of two Porice Morro.—The ‘* Monro” Doctrine.—-"* No Cards,”

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82 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 8, 1889,

“LE CRICQUETTE” How he will be played—shortly. Monsieur, Offices of the Athletic Congress, Paris. I am overwhelmed with my gratitude to you and to the generous dignitaries, the Chancellors of your Universities, the Heads of your great Public Seminaries and the Principal of your renowned Mary-le-bone College Club for the information they have ,

ricquette,” your unique National game, and I thank you in the name of my Com- mittee for your present of im- vlements,—/es wwickettes, le => ule de canon, les gros bois ~™ ‘the batsman’s weapons), /e cuirasse pour les jambes de Longstoppe, and other necessaries for the dangers of the contest that you have so kindly forwarded for our inspection. But most of all are we indebted to you for sending over a ‘ome team of your brave professionals to play the match against our Parisian ‘‘ onze,” for you rightly conjectured that by our experience of the formidable game in action, we should be able to judge of its risks and dangers, and after mature investigation be able so to revise and ameliorate the manner of its playing as to bring it into har- mony with the taste and feeling of the athletic ambition of the rising generation of our young France. A Match has taken place as you will see by ‘‘Le Score” sub- joined, which I enclose for your inspection. It was not without its fruits. It disclosed to us, as you will remark, by referring to **Le Score” very practically the dangerous, and I must add, the murderous capabilities that ‘‘ Le Cricquette” manifestly ’ Our Revising Committee has already the matter in hand, and when their report is fully drawn up, I shall have much satisfaction in forwarding it to you. Meantime, I may say, that the substitution of a light large ball of silk, or some other soft material for the dead] ‘boule de canon” as used by your countrymen, has . decid upon as absolutely necessary to deprive the game of barbarism, and harmonise it with the instincts which Modern and Republican France associates with the pursuit of a harmless time. Les wickettes, as being too small for the Bowlsman to reach them, should be raised to six feet high, and the Umpire, a grave anomaly in a game cherished by a liberty-loving people, should be instantly suppressed. The ‘‘overre” too, should consist of sixteen balls. But this and many other matters are under the consideration of the Committee. I now, subjoin *‘ Le Score” I mentioned, a brief perusal of it will show you what excellent grounds the Committee have for making the humanising alterations at which I have hinted. ALL FRANCE vy. AN ENGLISH ’OME-TEAM, ALL France, M. pe Borssy (struck with murderous force on the front of his fore- head by the boule de canon, and obliged to retire), b. Jonxs- Jounson . . . . ° ° . . . . . M. Navotw (hit on his fingers, which are pinched blue with the boule de canon, and incapacitated), b. Jonrs-Jonnson . . Le Marquis de Carovuset (receives a blow from the boule de canon on the front bone of his leg, and is compelled to relinquish the contest), b. Jowes-Jonnson ; . . ° . e - M. Bussow (receives a severe contusion of the cheek-bone from the boule de canon, which is delivered with murderous intent by a swift ‘‘ round-and bowlsman’”’), b. Jonwes-Jonwnson. . so Le General Grex (hits his three wickettes into the air, in a daring attempt to stop the boule de canon with his batsman’s club), b. Jones-Jonmnsonw . ° J . . ° ; ° Le Due de Serrraces (has his pince-nez shattered to atoms by the boule de canon, and, being unable to ece, withdraws from the “innings ’’), b. Jowxs-Jomnson ‘ ‘ ° ° . ‘ M. Carritoy, M. le Docteur Grrorif, Le Professeur d’ Equitation all the three being given, in turn, “‘ out, legs in front of the wickette,” leave the ground to arrange a duel with the Umpire), b. Jones-Jonnsonw ; ‘ ° ° ° ¢ ‘ . M. de Mowrmorency (on reaching the twickette and seeing the terrible approach of the boule de canon, has a shivering fit which obliges him to sit down), b. Jowzs-Jonwson . ° > M. Jotrmors, coming in last, triumphantly avoids the ‘“‘ overre,” and is, in consequence, not out. Tue Enouisn ’Omwe-Tram. JonEs-JouNson, not out ‘ ° Brown-Saira, not out ° ° . . So the game stood at the end of the fifth day, when, spite all the efforts of ‘* All France,” even to the putting on of three ‘‘ Bowlsmen” at once, it was found impossible to take even one of the ‘‘’Ome-team” wickettes. Yet the contest was maintained by the ‘‘ Out-side” with ae 3276 3055 ven me concerning “ Le| ch 0| keep a clear for the manwuvring of gallant Colo 0 protiemen who, acco’ 0| ‘‘ Mister” Rosepery is asked to give a casting v 0|the Council intends to 0 | silvery accents, intimates his

a wonderful heroism and ¢lan, for though by degrees, in nobly attempting to stop the flight of the boule de canon as it sped on its murderous course, driven by the furious and savage blows of the batsmen in all directions over the field, the fieldsmen, one by one, struck in the arms, legs, head, and back, began to grow feeble under their unceasing blows and contusions, sti]l one and all from the ** Long-leg-off” to the indomitable ‘‘ Longstoppe,” faced the dangers of their situation with a proud smile, indicative of the noble calm of an admirable spirit. So, Monsieur, the e, which was not finished, and which, in consequence, the Umpire, with a ivalrous generosity, announced as *‘ drawn,’ came to its conclu- sion, You will understand, from the perusal of the above, the direction in which my Committee will be likely to modify the rules of the game, and simplify the apparatus for :pisying it, so as to give your “‘ Criquette” a chance of finding itself permanently acclima- tised in this country. Accept, Monsieur, the assurance of my most distinguished consideration Tue SecreraRy or THE Paris ATHLETIC ConGREss,

COUNTY-COUNCILDOM. (From the Note-Book of Mr. Punch’s Young Man.) May 27th.—It is with re: that I find myself once more in the Council Chamber, where I have listened to so many dreary debates. I had hoped that I should have been able to give the London County Councillors a long rest. But Fate, represented by that distinguished warrior, Colonel Howarp Vincent (late Lieut. Royal Welsh Fusiliers), has decided opines it. There is a large assembly present, all more or less politely thirsting for the gallant Colonel-Lieu- tenant's blood. I re to say that the hero does not look very heroic. He is in mufti, which is unnecessary, as he might have made quite an effective costume out of his (so to speak) Official Wardrobe. Surely he could have found in it a Barrister’s wig, a Fusilier’s bearskin, a Berkshire Militiaman’s sword-belt and sash” a Constable’s start, a Central London Ranger’s ov a Queen’s Westminster pair <o- and the Mess jacket vest (now, perhaps, a trifle ) of a Sandhurst Cadet. Over this tasty combination-uniform the gallant Colonel-Lieutenant might have worn his badge of the Bath, in addition to the stars r toa Knight of the Crown of Italy and the German Crown. As it is, the hero, in spite of the extreme intelligence which habitually charac- terises his highly intellectual features, seems a trifle insignificant. ** Mister’? Rosesery, whose wrongs are too deep for words—has he not wandered about, looking unsuccessfully for fire-engines, and the Prince and Princess of Wags on the previous Saturday ?—coldly calls upon the Colonel-Lieutenant to rise in his place. Then the hero es a statement, which clearly proves that he does not pee aoe of his career at Sandhurst, his service in the pore Welsh Fusiliers, his appointment to the Royal Berkshire Militia, his command in the Rangers and Queen’s Westminsters, his call to the Bar, his Directorship of Criminal Investigations, and his entrance to the Paris Faculté de Droit—how to oceupy. ground to ; t hate 37 Immediately the lonel-Lieutenant sits down, Sir Water bE Sovza (a ’ rding to Dod, was knighted in recognition of is charity), moves a vote of censure, which is seconded ‘* with pleasure,” by Wuiretey’s Rival, Mr. Banker. Then, after some eloquence that appropriately may be styled Rorroy, Mr. Paosrn ( in and chemist) es to the assistance of his chief, and explains, in tones of thunder, what happened in his “‘ immediate front.” Upon this Mr. Bou.nois (practi ** the Pride of Maryle- bone and its Neighbourhood”’) moves that the Council shall proceed to the next business. A division follows, and the numbers are equal. ote, but possibly remembering a walk through a crowd of roughs with two little children in kilts on either side of him, promptly refuses. en 0 | comes a division, and the Colonel-Lieutenant, by a Majority of five, is ‘‘ saved—saved—saved ” from censure ! Upon this, Earl Compron (who I fear the Patriot Bunws would not consider on this occasion quite so masons - ig te = apologise eir i es and Princess 8. samy, Bo is too much for Goptee Representative ttersea Clapham, who, in intention, if such a resolution be put, of moving an amendment to it. But ‘“‘ Mister” Rosepery inter- and declares the incident at an end. It being now decided that e gallant, learned, and Forei Knightly Celene Uaeienant is not (at any rate for the moment) to be ei executed on Tower Hill, or confined in the deepest dungeon beneath the Castle’s moat, the proceedings became comparatively uninteresting. So I leave the County Councillors to their own devices Gwhish, by the way, include a design for the Common Seal, which has merited ‘‘ Mister” Rosz- BERY'S ion) until their labours are suspended for a season by the approach of the Whitsuntide Recess.

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June 8, 1889.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MR. PUNCH’S MODEL MUSIC-HALL SONGS. No. V.—Tue Amarory Episopic. Tux history of a Singer’s latest love—whether fortunate or other- wise—will always command the interest and attention of a Music- Hall audience. Our example, which is founded upon the very best precedents, derives an additional piquancy from the social position of the beloved object. Cultivated readers are requested not to shudder at the rhymes. Mr. Puneh’s Poet does them deliberately and in cold bl being convinced that without these somewhat ing the great ear of the Music-Hall public, The title of the Song is :— MASHED BY A MARCHIONESS, The Singer should come on correctly and tastefully attired in a suit of loud dittoes, a startling tie, and a white “ pot” hat—the orthodox costume (on the Music-Hall stage) of @ middle-class swain suffering from love-sickness, The air should be of the conventional jog-trot and jingle order, chastened by a sentimental melancholy, I’ve lately gone and lost my ’art—and where you'll never guess— I’m regularly mashed upon a lovely Marchioness | ‘Twas at a Fancy Fair we met, inside the Albert ’All ; So affable she smiled at me as I came near her stall! Chorus—Don’t tell me Belgravia is stiff in behaviour ! She’d an Unele an Earl, and a Dook for her Pa— | Still there was no starchiness in that fair Marchioness, | As she stood at her stall in the Fancy Bazaar! | At titles and distinctions once I'd ignorantly scoff, | As if no bond could be betwixt the Tradesman and the Toff ! I held with those who’d do away with difference in ranks— But that was all before I met the Marchioness of Manx ! Chorus--Don’t tell me Belgravia, &c. A Home was being started by some kind aristo-crate, Yor orphan kittens, born of poor, but well-connected, cats ; And of the swells who planned a F?te this object to assist, The Marchioness of Manx’s name stood foremost on the list. Chorus—Don’t tell me Belgravia, &c, | I never saw a smarter hand at serving in a shop, | For every likely customer she caught upon the ’op! And from the form her Ladyship displayed at that Bazaar (With enthusiaam)—You might have took your oath she’d been brought up behind a bar! € —Don’'t tell me Belgravia, &c. In vain I tried to kid her that my purse had been forgot, She spotted me in ’alf a jiff, and chaffed me precious hot ! A sov. for one regaliar she gammoned me to spend. You really can’t refuse,” she said, ‘1 ’ve bitten off the end!” Chorus—lon’t tell me Belgravia, &e. across a chair, ‘Do buy my crewel-work,” she urged, “it | You'll find it come in useful, as I see you ‘ile your ’air!” | So I ’anded over thirty bob, though not a coiny bloke. I couldn’t tell a Marchioness how nearly I was broke ! Spoken—Though I did take the liberty of saying: ‘‘ Make it fifteen | bob, my Lady!” But she said, with such a fascinating look—I can see it yet!—‘‘Oh, I’m sure you’re not a’aggling kind of a man,” she says, ‘‘ you haven't the face for it. And think of all them pore | fatherless kittings,” she says; “‘ think what thirty bob means to | them!” says she, glancing up so pitiful and tender under her long eyelashes at me, Ah, the icals may talk as they like, but—— Chorus—Don’t tell me Belgravia, &c. | A raffle was the next concern putmyrhinoin: | | The prize a talking perret, which I didn’t want to win. Then her sister, y Tansy, showed a painted milking stool, And I bought it—though it’s not a thing | sit on as a rule. Spoken—Not but what it wasa handeome article in its way too, —had a snow-seene with a sunset done in oil on it. ‘It will look lovely in your chambers,” sage the Marehioness ’ much admired at Catterwall Castle!” It didn’t look so bad in my three-pair back, I must say, though unfortunatel sunset came of on me the very first time I happened to set down on it, Still think of the eondescension of painting such a all! Chorus—Don't tell me Belgravia, &c. The Marquis kept a-fidgeting and frowning at his wife, For she talked to me as free as if she’d known me all my life! I felt that I was in the swim, so wasn’t over-awed, Bat ‘ung about and spent my cash as lavish as a lord! Spoken—It was worth all the pany I can tell you, to be chatting there across the counter with a real five Marehioness for as as ever my funds would ’old out. They’d have held out much longer, only the Marchioness made it a rule never to give change — she daring concords, no ditty would have the slightest chance of satisfy- the ; ‘it was ever 80/ he couldn’t break it, she said, not even for me, I wish I could give you an idea of how she smiled as she made that remark ; for the fact is, when an aristocrat does unbend— well, —— Chorus—Don't tell me Belgravia, &e, Next time I meet the Marchioness a-riding in the Rew, I'll ketch her eye and raise my ‘at, and up to her th go (With sentiment)—And tell her next my ‘art I we ad at her She me on the ‘appr da —And she ~ Rend to see me , I know! She's not one of your stuck-up sort ; don’t you é no mistake about it, aristocracy ain't alf as bloated as people imagine who don’t know ever I hear parties running ‘em down, I always say :— Chorus—Don’t tell me Belgravia is stiff in behaviour, &c. p the stump of {that poe A CASTLE IN SPAIN AT WEST KENSINGTON. Leavine Sunny South, w the chesnut-trees blossom, and the ‘AYhambre, with its thud” ligt, bounding brothers and brilliant signoritas playing y cigarettes, in the \., o& Helden land of Lelossterc Squaro, I , came to West Kensington. I had been asked—O nommo tobacco '—to be present at the spapaywretion of the Spanish ixhibition. Had I my wish, I would have pref; to have watched Toreador as, singing on the boards of # Theatro el CGusarrisso, he ex his Italian con- tento. But, out of a feeling of haught nationality—for we sons of the due Sout. are as as the eagles who peck at our sherry-gi I thought it my dut to support the t show of the Yip vets of my . 1 was greeted By/7iy) wt the Weloome Clab (an Institution that , Igy reminded me not « little of Madrid and 4a, Barcelona, combined with a dash of ; YR Vi Dorado, and summits of the merry Pyrenees), and was regaled with some of the dishes of my own dear land. Many of these were accompanied by a vegetable called Ei potato, which I found to be simply excellent. But enough of this, Let me paint a picture of the great Spanish Exhibition—a picture that has never had its equal. Imagine an enormous Arcade filled with gvery possible production of Spain. Imagine thousands and thousands of gaily decked booths erected for the sole purpose of —— the merits of Spanish Liquorice. Imagine again thousands and thousands of beautiful counters groaning under the weight of a wealth of Spanish onions— onions so good, so strong, that they draw tears from the eyes of myriads of pleasure-seekers! Imagine tambourines, and tomatoes, and olives! Imagine all this, and pression of the real contents of the magine a fleet of Spanish boats, : on the silvery bosom of the gentle Guadalquivir. Imagine an enormous magazine of arms, with blades from Toledo, and old pueyr from the Cg A the got known as El Ward ar. Magine once again, pictures 0 most startling magnificence. Imagine Vawpyck at his best, and Vetaseuerz at his more than best, to sa ing of Pears Et Soapro in the more inspired of his publicity-seeking moments! Imagine all this, and throw in more— such as local ocousing oa poetic sentiment—and yet you have not quite got the Spanish Exhibition ! Imagine a bull-fight. Imagine the Matadors and the gaily- Cavaliers of the Circus. Imagine Spanish music of the most admirable kind, headed by the Bando El Gardo, conducted by Lieu- tenant Daw et Goprrerpo. Imagine the original Electric Light discovered by Cotumnus, ages before gas was invented by Gasco px Gama. Imagine a fairy scene of wo t and deli be, with its gay lamps and illuminations, resembling El Vauxhallo de Cremorna. lecgine every possible distraction—thea ; euts from the joint, drinks, dioramas, and corthquehes c yet you ve not imagined ng. Fancy picture ong, conservatories full of choicest laste, Takes without equal at Windermere or Switzerland, and mountains that resemble as little Primrose Hill as they do the Alps. Imagine all this, and much more (or less), and you yet have to imagine the contents of the Spanish Exhibition ! (Signed) Dow Oxtoy tHe Hrpatoo. Sittven Soeew.—Last Thursday Sheen was en féle for the Bilver Wedding of the Comte and Comtesse de Panis. Many of the visitors were there for the first time, ‘not in a pays de a” observed the witty and venerable Marquis de Vieux-CaLemnovur, ** for it might as well have been Un Voyage en Sheen.” ish Exhibition. ou still have but the faintest im- that would create surprise even

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Juwe 8, 1889. TRUSTWORTHY AUTHORITY. | about eve | set up my | | sition to Dr. Swisn’s Academy at pry es | decided on going North, and csttling at Middle Wallop. | Please, let all parents know this. Yours, Dr. Bracu, —__——__ — — “TO THE WEST!” New Grapsron1an VERSION. (Ma. GLapstone, during the Whitsuntide recess, wil] con. duct a political campaign in Devonshire and Cornwall.) G. O. M. sings :— To the West, to the West for a Whitsuntide spree, Where Devon and Cornwall ju Where the tired G. O. M. if | May hope to ingather political spoil. Where meetings are scarce, where —? generous host wi aid at political fireworks will here the mobs will exult whilst I s ‘ut, scorning rest : Away, far away, to the land of the | To the West, to the West, where my speeches will flow Like rivers of words, spr Where Weymouth and Dartmouth shall stir at my call, And Torquay and Plymouth keep rolling the ball. | Where the steam The Garland, s Till Tintagel’s ‘truth I shall put to the test ; Away, far away to the crowds of the West! To the West, to the West ; there are votes to be won, Fi al s Home Rule to clear up, lots of work to be done. I'll try it, I’ll do it; I’ll never despair Whilst I ’ve breath to orate or a moment to spare. Poor Pat’s independence my labours shall buy, i? CHAMBERLAIN swears y, boys, away, let us hope for the best, ret) ight for Home Rule in the land of the West! {a out Se Goce, e Sas ean, est | ing wide as they go ; -yacht of kind Mrs. Extor me, waft me away to my wor that the game’s ‘all my eye | here for an aggre lace where I ~~ ‘ducational Establishment for Boys, i in oppe- | ve Harry Taovent. — Dear Sir, I have been looking | Should be debarred his bacey ; And forced to rank his “ Head” a “ crank,’ And all his Tutors cracky ; Yet that’s the dismal case in the Pacific Universitee. The modest cigarette is banned ; They 've quite tabooed cigars ; And naughty triers of ys briars Are sent home to their M They rusticate like mad jon the Pacific Universitee ! ** (at Cavendish !’’—the Dons exclaim. ** Hav-ana weeds you mustn’t! What? ‘ Nicotine assauge the spleen ’’ Oh, trust us that it doesn’t! ”’ A real ** un-weeded garden,” the Pacific Universitee ! * Pale students are made pale by pipes,” So say San José doctors ; “All College men to rest by te Must go,” chime in the Proctors. They go—and smoke in bed in the Pacific Universitee ! Of Greek you may know less than ought, Latin less than you oughter, Be very rude, give ‘wines, et screwed, And then *‘ screw up” up ¥ + Porter ; Smoki ’s the only “ Vice” in the Pacific Universitee ! Oh, English Alme Matres, pray Don’t imitate San José ; A fragrant weed is good indeed When intellects feel dosey. There ll be no U ndergrads i in the Pacific Universitee! LADIES AND LOGIC, Lapy Harpman, Hon. Secretary of the Ladies’ Grand Council of the Primrose League, speaking at the annual meetin of | Toa the Upminster Habitation,— is have said, that ‘‘not for the wealth of al the Indies would she consent to enter into public life and political strife.” This savours strongly of the ‘‘ self-denying ordinance.” Only one wonders in that case what are the functions of the Primrose League, which, if it does not enter into “‘ political strife,” certainly been undeservedly complimented | for by Grand-Master Satissury, Lady Hargpman “‘ trusted that the Dames of the Primrose League — never be con- fused in their minds with those ladies = entered into contested elections and mingled themselves in the strife of Party politics.” ( Applause.) Contested elections! Party lities! Dear, dear, and the world had n supposing that the Primrose League Hi! Hil! a) a Mapteson’s Acting Manager, Ms, Host. “Micnag., piwyx’r I TELL You TO DECANT THE BEsT CLARET?” Hoy, quitted this mean No Huy Boy} Michael, “‘You pip, Sorr.” Host. ‘‘ But THIS ISN'T THE BEST.” | The Colonel ou “"y to see his way better now than did Michael. ‘‘No, Sonn; Bur IT's THE BesT You 'vE Got!” | before, with only one Huy to look after everything. | » , — sy boycotting the ‘‘ men’s” cigars was a Conservative o_ tion, and that PER-VARSITY. They ’ve made a dreadful ’ash ; its Dames were remarka 3 active in canvas- “ Hereafter no Student can matriculate in the This pedant’s joke may “‘ end in smoke, ’ sing and its kindred duties at election times! | University of the Pacific, at San José, California, But not in fame—or cash ; h, what a ‘= r Perhaps, after all, the who uses tobacco in any form.’’— Evening Paper. Such is our Birdseye view of the lady beloved e, wi its 800,000 ’Tis sad the Yankee Undergrad Pacific Universitee.' members, its Habitations, its badges, its Tory flatterers and defamers, is only ay - dt... pastoral association for the culture 0 A little tater, however, Lady Harpmay seems— mark, Punch only says seems /—to let the political cat out of the Primrose bag ‘* The League was an educational movement designed to counteract the e+ they liked to use a stronger word she should at object—of the other side.” The other side! y that ioe itall. Arcadia vanishes —_ on, and the Primrose path aparty- ter. The trail of the Caucus 1s over it -_ - The Knights of the Primrose elder had to fight, not with the lance rh the olden time, but with the poisoned darts aot Grom accuracies and misrepresenta sounds equivocal,—but let that a. oa is there no “‘ political strife,” no on | here? What more could a hty Liberal Federation itself do? “la e pastoral of the Primrosers! The League ma ment,” bat logic to ladies. SHAKSPEARE ON THE SvuGaR Bounties Convention. — A “certain Convocation of politic Worms.” —Hamiet, Act IV., Scene 5. y in the direction of teaching Scarcety a Dome Awmmat.—A “ Roarer.” — | be “tan educational move- | CH NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contrisutions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Dra im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by s Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this there will be no exception. . or Pictures of any description, =

Page 19

A PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —June 8, 1889 FRESM AIR AND SUNSHINE, FLOWERS “aE AND HEALTH AND LOVE. wae ‘* These are endowments if we learn to prize yr The wise man’s treasures better worth than gold And none but fools and wicked men despise them.”—0, MACKAY, LL.D. LIFE’S RACE A BATTLE, NOT A VICTORY. IN THE RACE OF THIS LIFE ENO’S FRUIT SALT Is an imperative hygienic need, or necessary adjunct. It keeps the blood pure, prevents fevers and acute inflammatory diseases, removes the injurious effects of stimulants, narcotics, such as alcohol, tobacco, tea, coffee. by natural means—thus restores the nervous system to its normal condition by preventing the great danger of poisonei blood, and over cerebral activity, sleeplessness, irritability, worry, &c. AT HOME, MY HOUSEHOLD GOD; ABROAD, MY VADE MECUM, A GENERAL OFFICER, writing from Ascot, says : “ Blessings on your FRUIT SALT! I trust it is not profane to say so, but in common parlance I swear by it. Here stands the cherished bottle on the chimney-piece of my sanctum, my little idol—at home, my household god ; abroad, my vade mecwm. Think not this is the rhapsody of a hy a no, it is only the outpouring of a grateful heart. e fact is, I am, in common, I dare say, with numerous fellows of my age (67), now and then troubled with a tiresome liver. No sooner, however, do I use your cheery remedy than exit pain—' Richard is himself again.’ So highly do I always value your composition that, when taking it, 1 grudge even the little sediment that will always remain at the bottom of the glass, I give, therefore, the following advice to those wise persons who have learnt to appreciate its inestimable benefits—‘ When Eno's Salt betimes you take, no waste of this elixir make; but drain the dregs and lick the cup of this the perfect pick-me-up,’—Jan. 2, 1886. To Mr, J, 0, Eno.” THE SECRET OF SUCCESS. STERLING HONESTY OF PURPOSE. WITHOUT IT LIFE IS A SHAM! “A new invention is brought before the public, and commands success. A score of abominable imitations wre immediately introduced by the unscrupulous, who, in copying the original closely one to deceive the public, and yet not so « victly as to infringe upon legal rights, exercise an ingenuity that, employed in an original channel, could not failt.,- ure reputation and profit.”"—ADAMs, Amen = CAUTi. *!.—LZxamine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO'S ‘‘ FRUIT SALT.” Without it, you have ian been imposed on by a worthless imitation. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS. Iisa simh's| "3 Prepared only at Eno’s “Fruit Salt” Works, London, S.E., by J. C. Eno’s Patent, | “go FEY'S PURE ia ige T years, Very Fine, 488. 228. | |. SOLUBLE , 1 ,, Extra Fine, 60s. 288, | “2 consider it a very rich, delicious Cocoa.”"—W. H. B. STANLEY, M.D. F 0 0 D » 1 ,, For Invalids, 72s. 34s. VINTAGE 1884. , 25 ,, Finest Liqueur,120s. ... SO FOR vnc. ros. copwerT a son) /CisG ges \ cr. iv | N F A N I 5 (LIMITED), Old Whiskey | 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; of Gp posines ° 18 & 19, PALL MALL. Oe Tian, Dn, Oa, Se. end Oe, coed. Whisky Bonded Stores, inverness, N.B. ~ “a , FRER ES’ SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON, sOLD SVESTWHERS. GOLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878. — FIRST QUALITY | LDEN BRONZE “HAIR.— KINAHAN’S «rus camu | » 2GHD, MATHEWS & CO, RER Gx! yseence renee ss im MARKT &8r°., mLOGMeS URE, we } ar- te of Albany St., N.W nels only y wwe “We otany colon M09 ox ra Lone a oF Price 6+, d., Ws. 64., L. ting grey or faded | PORE, MILD, AND LL oe ponnast. Agents for India »—Curisa, Patura, & Co BRILL’S Hair RIN is invaluabi ~~ ’ A single bottle, as « sample, will be sent post free | DELiciae s AND to any address on - + of P.O. for 4. 84. most sovereign and precious weed that ever WHOLTSOME. WHISKY. Meg J CW Ly we PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865. d. EXSHAW & | CO. S SEA SALT. | ad ‘x O | | SORRAT TITCHFIELD STRERT, LONDON, W. 2. W. Seatesven or cae ner. Street, W GS Ne SMOKING MiXT URE, THE DIAMOND MARK. TAL-Cl —— | SPURIRG, MUATURE. ae ee Gq V >» Hien eat oe i LLOYD AND SONS, MOLBOR™ Mans, EC WNGARIAN APERIENT WATER, | foe vata "% Smee Reh Watege tee we DEMAND THE DIAMOND MARK, @nd insist upon receiving the | , — 1 ' HACEr HUNGARIAN APERIENT WATER | 4 a GOLD MEDAL SOLD BY THE Apollinaris Co. Limited, aa M, wnat Galaaianamoiat hind LONDON. O/all Drugyists & Mineral Water Dealers.

Page 20

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Jouwz 8, 1889.

_~ > = ee hae : > a a a a a a a a a a a a a em a a a Fs a a a a A The GOLD MEDAL For INF of the International Health Exhibition, London, has been awarded for this Food; and it is recommended Tae Loxpon ich icon Recess ether Foods are reject-a

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eee SALT REGAL is & high-class pocanngee Eygiesic propertios bithertc unknown to Scienee. Pr cooling cup, developing Osene (the principle of life), Will cleanse the mouth, clear the throst, sweeten the breath, as maintain a natcral condition of the system. Corrects al] the im- pricties arising from errors of diet—eating or drizking. Sal Regal has the Special prey @ we Ley iy ete te tt ttl tin tat hhh tht till eer’ =_ POSS STS e Terr TTT TTT. a ‘ pt la mized. Patent Eights protected throughout the world. ‘ J 4 ’ SUPPLIES A REFRESHING, APPETISING, EFFERVESCENT DRINK ** Balt Rega! forms a pleasantly palatable effervescent irink, possessing the usefal refrigerant and mild ¢/ axative properties appertaining to the alkaline salts of vegetable acids, while the ozonic character of the salt, ¢ and the develooment of # delicate rose colour while ¢ lissolving, are novel features of this preparation, which 7 give an agreeable f esh ness ° and attractive appearance. . i i i i tl The general chaacter of ‘Salt Regal’ renders it #2 admirably adapted for domestic use, and rie FCs. 80 4 tropieal climates.”"—B. H. Pavt, Analyst, 20, Viotoria Street, London, 8.W N.B.—If SALT REGAL is not procu: able from the nearest Chemist, a Postal Order for 2s. Od. to the Masser, Salt Regal Works, Liverpool, will bring « Bottle by retarn of post Wen & Hanburys’ Castor Oil Tasteless. Pure. Active. Soild everywhere at 6d., li, /9 & 3/.

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