Punch 1888: Vol 95

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——— LONDON : PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, a AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, 1888,

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PE LEAP LONDON : BRADOCRY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITTFRIARS.

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__—_— oe PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL December 29, 1888.] SCENE—Mr. Poncn's Sanctum, Season—The Eve of the New Year. Present, Father True, Mr. Puncn, and Tontas. An Edisonian Phonograph, of the latest construction, is arranged, oracle-like, behind a curtain, the Sage and the Scythebearer have been experimenting therewith, Fathér Time (with emphasis). Wonderful ! ! ! Mr. Punch. From you, who have witnessed so many wonders, that o1e word is a tremendous tribute which my young | friend Evtson would mightily appreciate. Father Time (meditatively). Yes ; I have seen many marvels—or what for awhile were esteemed such. But the mirific | marvel of to-day has ever been the matter-of-course of to-morrow, or at most of the day after. A real nine-days’-wonder is | indeed an exception. Still this latest of Yankee “ notions” is a startler. My favourite Egyptians never achieved anything | more surprising. Mr. Punch. You don’t mean to say that your pets the Pyramid-builders did not forestall us poor moderns in this, as | in most other things? Very good of them, I ’m sure, to leave us something to discover ! Father Time (drily). What to do with the Soudan, for example. You don’t seem in a hurry to avail yourself of that privilege, however. Mr. Punch. Ah! I wonder now, were it possible’ to turn on the voice of Rawesus through this vocal cone, whether he could give the Marquis the straight tip about Suakin ? Father Time. If Memnon himself could speak through the phonograph, in the very voice of oracular music with which _ he used to greet the rising sun in old Thebes, do you suppose that your Party potterers would heed it ? Mr. Punch. Humph! Isn't it whispered that the Priests—the real politicians of the period—had something to do with that little Coptic “fakement ;” that in fact the lips of the Vocal Memnon formed merely a convenient sort of phonograph for the official oracles—the Satispurys and Smirus and Sraxuores of that day ? Father Time. 1 perceive, Sir, that you know a thing or two. Mr. Punch, Otherwise, my Kroxos, it would hardly be worth your while to halt for an hour’s chat with me on the | very edge of the New Year. Pray give your glass another turn, though; I cannot part with you yet. And the other glass, dear Edax Rerum, turn that up likewise—no heel-taps, you know, here |—and let me fill it again. Father Time (sententiously). It is passing good—and too good to pass. (Drinks.) Your health, my Perennial One ! You are not of an age, but for All Time, as Bex Joxsow said of the other Immortal. “ She” indeed! What was River Hacoarp’s twe-thousand-year-old compared with the unquenchable “ He-who-must-be-obeyed ” of Fleet Street ? Mr. Punch. You do me proud, Sir. But, by Jove !—beg pardon for naming that usurping parvenu /—you will have, my dear Kronos, to look to your laurels, or your prescriptive rights and privileges, if this sort of thing goes on. Father Time. What do you mean, Mr. Puxcn? Mr. Punch. You know what Evaar Atian Por says :— “Science! true daughter of Old Tore thou art! Who alterest ali things with thy peering eyes.” Well, it seems to me, Father Tru, that your daughter is gradually depriving her sire of certain of his most cherished

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iv PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decemnrr 29, 1888. st attributes and most exclusive prerogatives. Space she has practically annihilated ; and now she is having a turn at You! } Time was when what was past was past, when what Edax Rerum had once devoured knew no resurrection. But now? he Well, when Science can thus make the vanished Voices of the Past actually audible Voices of the Present, then, in the words Mc of the Hibernian Magistrate in “ Killaloe ”’— Fe “Ye never know what she'll be up to next.” Already she has beaten Mosomavusmy on his own ground. Frozen words made audible by thaw? Pooh! What is that "e. comptred with the awe-striking possibility of the ipsissima verba of eloquent Guapstove, or honey-tongued Letoutox, or a ventriloquial Invixe, being ground out of this instrument, for the edification, or Edisonification, of dwellers in the tail-end of *) the Twentieth Century! “ Toby (fortissimo). Bow-wow-wo-0-0-0-w !!! s: Father Time (anxiously). What's the matter with that dog? He —he—scems to be asleep, and yet rte Mr. Punch (laughing). Don't alarm yourself, Kroxos. Tov is asleep, so soundly, that even his own bark—of the day before yesterday—does not awaken him ! Ls Father Time (with awe). What, do you mean to say it was that inf ——that extraordinary instrument of Eptsoy’s Ay that was yelping like that? te } Mr. Punch. Precisely! Tony barked into it for me a day or two since. His wax-recorded yelp may be useful to frighten burglars in the year 1989. Had Axvupts done ditto several thousand years ago, we could now compare his yaps with those of the modern Dog of Dogs. , Father Time. Ucre, 1 say, don't! It’s really uncanny, and, as you suggest, knocks my traditional prerogatives into a cocked hat! Mr. Punch. Never mind! After all, ‘tis Vox et praterca nihi!. American Scientists are as impotent as were Egyptian as mummy-makers or the Embalmers of Kor, really to bring back the Past or to perpetuate the Present. And the Future is mi Ours—as Mr. Gianstoxe says of the Liberal Party. bre Father Time. Quite so. You may find the phonograph useful, to record for the benefit of remotest posterity your +s words of wisdom and scintillations of wit; eh, Mr. Puxcu ? Mr. Punch. My dear Knroxos, do you not see that, practically, 1 am as independent of this remarkable and really interesting instrument as you are of an improved egg-boiler or patent lawn-mower? J am perennial, and have a Phonograph or F'unnigraph—of my own, invented long before the days of Episoy. Father Time. Indeed! I should so like to see it. Mr. Punch. You shall, dear Edax. Indeed yon shall take it with you, if you like. It will amuse and instruct you on your lonely round between now and next New Year's Day,—when I hope to see you here again. You will find therein echoes of the most valuable Voices of the Past, the best and brightest utterance of the Voice of the Present, and not a few vocal and vaticinatory “ dips into the Future!” Oh, don’t be alarmed ; it is not a cumbersome and complicated bit of mechanism, like this of Eprsox’s. It is compact and portable. Tuck it under your arm, Father Tre ; it won't interfere with the comfortable carrying of your scythe and hour-glass, 1 assure you. For Mr. Puxcu’s original, ingenious, unsurpassable Patent Funni- graph is his Ainety-Fitth Volume | Wiuauu, Me z R —— ’ perreert ! OUPitrtes j PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. T « ture m0 . vem met; the x .

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PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

THE THAMES—HENLEY.| By G. D. LESLIE, R.A. | which embellish the reminiscences it “People familiar with Mr. Leslie's pic- tures—and who is not?—will es a e is scarcely than that they’ are distinguished by all. the a | | famous artist's unigue and characteristic no surprise to find from these ing © {? lYer aap ame GENTLEMAN. reminiscences that he knows our noble “A pleasant record of some of the most

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —Juix 7, 1888.

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Juuy 7, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ” ———— OUR DEBATING CLUB. Tue election of a new member to the Gargoyle Club is so seldom attended by any incident of note, that I may Se pardoned, perhaps, for devoting this paper to the description of almost the single excep- tion in our annals. It is our invariable custom to transact all business of this sort before proceeding to debate; and on the evening in question PLumiey Durr, who proposed the candidate for elec- tion, rose to give the information necessary to enable them to pronounce upon his claims to admission. Now Durr had very pee ell undertaken the duty at the suggestion of Bosnxr, who had represented that the recommendation would fall with far gag weight from him, and that, in Durr’s hands, the election was e. ‘* Well, Gentlemen,” said Durr, in his most matter-of-fact style ‘it is not usual to say much on these occasions. I can only remind ou of the value of alittle new blood from time to time in our councils. en I have said that Mr. Scrpto P. Gorsorse is a member of one of our most ancient Inns of Court, the Under Temple, and is fitting himself to take an active in the profession of the Law, I think you will see that he See —ah—taie qualifications for election as a A Then GEYSER pri by BosHer, rose with his usual impetuosity. “T must say, tlemen,”’ he began, ‘‘ with deference to our friend, Mr. Durr, I don’t think he has laid Mr. (eh? yes, thank Gotrsotsr’s claims to our votes before us with all devotes to whatever he inadvertently—a ve stent % ; i ich, . 2 my humble opinion, appeal strongly to your imaginations. . GOLIBOISE is a representative of one of the Bn thriving of the dependencies of our great Empire. He comes to us, Gentlemen, from the Island of — (which ? ah, just so)—the fair and smiling island of . I putit pad he whether it is not our duty to lay aside all minor considerations, , in this Jubilee time, give the world a striking instance of the beotheny alin ae the Mother Country ys her Colonies! Let there be nothing dging, © unetory, ae wninton; a hand, tlemen, seas—let us not in the palm we hold forth of gru application for from across the ] in return, conceal the invidious form of one solitary black-ball!” (Zhere was a murmur of admiration at this “ Let us for once be unanimous in throwing our ls open to receive the stranger who stands knocking at the door of the Gargoyle Club!” Loud applause. There was no necessity for any further speech-making, but Percy VERE would get up; he always will whenever he sees the slightest conertanity. or his great idea is that oratory comes with practice, and that it doesn’t so much matter what you say, so long as you gain a little more confidence by saying it. So Percy Vere began very fluently: ‘‘ As to the remarks of the Honourable Member who has just sat down, I only wish to remark that the remarks he made were remarks——” (Here he looked about him in a distr manner) ‘‘ remarks which were very ably—er, very ably remarked. I can’t help rising to say that I have ne—that ie) VOL. XCY. I rise without any—I—I mean . . . that I don’t feel a—a.... (I could tell you the word if I could only remember the name—it’s curious how you forget things standing up!) oh,—what I meant was hesitation !”’ Having arrived at this point, he sat down very contented] ‘*T won’t add any words of my own,” said Pryceney, elocuent pleas (here Percy VERE looked deeply gratified) we have just listened to. The Secretary will now distribute the balls, and the ballot-box will then be brought round in the usual manner to each member.” **T am happy to tell you, Gentlemen,” our President announced, after a scrutiny of the box, amidst much enthusiasm, ‘‘ that Mr. GoLtBolse is elected without a single dissentient voice! And now let us proceed to the motion before the House, which is——’’ ** One moment, Sir,’”’ said Bosuer. ‘I believe the new Gargoyle is below at this instant, waiting permission to take his seat amongst us. With your leave, i i ” ; y. “to the will now invite him to do so. But this quite innocent proposal brought up Porpentine: must really protest, Sir! It looks to me as if the Candidate, by coming here this evening, must have regarded his election as a foregone conclusion; as if-—I am about to conclude with a motion, Sir. .. I move—‘ That, having regard to circumstances with which the Club was previously uainted, Mr. GoLrnoise be now informed that his election is still u consideration.’ ” Geyser eaing excitedly). Really, Sir! really! Are we to punish Mr. Go.rsorse for his very laudable impatience to join our society ? Is his ignorance, ble in a stranger, of our customs to be thrown in his teeth like this? A thousand times no, Sir! I call upon Mr. Porrentrrive to withdraw his motion; otherwise, I, for one, will not continue a member of this Club a single day! No, Sir, not one hour—not one minute—not one instant—(lowering his voice impressively)—not one week! (Cries of *' Withdraw!” and some excitement, Porpentine (rather sulkily). I beg to withdraw the motion. Pinceney. Then, if Mr. Bosner will introduce the new Member as he proposes, I shall now call upon Mr. Geyser to bring forward the subject for debate, which is in the following terms :—‘‘ That this Hous: 1s of opinion that all i other distinctions are invi- dious and reactionary, and should be aboli “ps Bosuer had al y disa , and, as the President spoke, there were steps outside, a aj ey: Aw door opened, and Mr. GoLrmorse made his first entrance into Gargoyle Club. He walked up to the vacant chair next to Geysen’s, which Bosner had vacated (by the way, he did not rea that evening), and sat down grinning from ear to ear evidently highly leased with himself and us, after which he devoted himself to ro ing his eyes, and suck- ing the top of his walking-stick. 1 trust that we did nothing unworthy of our character as Gargoyles and as gentlemen; but I am bound to confess that our new Member's appearance excited a certain sensation amongst us which could not be wholly disguised. For Mr. Gorrso1se happened to be a remarkably fine specimen of the pure African type. It made no difference, of course, but we should like to have been a little better prepared. B

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:

LONDON CHARIVARI, [Jury 7, 1888.

PUNCH, OR THE

THE CONQUEROR JOCK; OR, THE WHIP-HAND. (Some way after ** The Conqueror Worm.” now it too often happens that the trainers are the masters of the Str CHARLes Rvsseuu.

wners of horses were the masters of the trainers and the jockeys ; “Time was wher . owners, and the jockeys masters of both.

= wee ‘a ~ 4 *" . / = | { ‘ | 1 = = ‘ | ) ’ . j . i rs Va ae ee ‘ ) | = - ) or apd Ck yA | \ === fi Nr > Arty neni: // |}})—~__ _._ >~_ — — — TT MT TMT ———_ on —— < i Ee ee a! — : , ' wine dd Mn iis : TITTY | T al Tn Wi yee —— = Sy . Sane Lo! ‘tis a gruesome sight, Stand in a race-course ring to see Mimes in the form of magnates high A play of hopes and fears, Mutter and murmur low, And hither and thither fly ; Mere puppets they who come and go Within these loathly latter years, A feverish throng, dust-coat bedight, And an undertone breathes fitfully, With veils, or cads, or peers, Now curses, and now cheers.

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Juty 7, 1888.] At bidding of misshapen things, That drive them blindly to and fro, Dealing from out their rascal rings Inevitable woe ! That motley drama—oh, be sure It shall not be forgot ! With its Phantom ec for evermore By a crowd that seize it not, rough a circle that ever returneth in ; To the self-same spot ; And much of madness, and more of sin, And swindling the soul of the plot. But see amid the mimic rout A wizen thing intrude ! A shrivelled shape that rides about With despot power imbued ! It spurs !—it whips !—the Swells, the Snobs, e vampire treats as food, And the nobles that it rides—and robs— Are to its will subdued. Down—down on all fours are they all, The sordid, sold, fool-flock, The fierce whip-lashings fall Like storm-flouts on a rock ; And the dupes, from counter or Court, That wizened thing doth mock : The play is the farce called ‘ Sport,” And its hero the Conqueror Jock ! WILFRID LAWSON’S LATIN. Tue following quotations, freely translated, may be | added to the Baronet’s admittedly limited stock :— ‘* Clausum fregit ’—He burst up the Clause. ** Horresco at allt gives me shivers to refer to it. ** Pro bono publico”—For the bones of the Publican. ‘* Res angusta domi’’—The cussedness of the House. ‘* Ere perennius’’—Trust me for brass. ‘* Tempora mutantur”’—Wouldn’t I just like to take my change out of the Zimes. ‘* Est modus in rebus’’—Mine is the only measure for everybody who is at all anybody. ** ‘Dulce est desipere in loco’’—It is pleasant to play | the fool in a certain place. | _ ‘* Nigroque similima cygno””—And very like a black Public-house sign. | ** Fons et origo bonorum’’—The town pump. ** Actum est de Republied”—It’s all up with the Licensed Victualler’s business when my Act passes. Visitor. Brown. | SAVE SAY | | HUNDRED ; Aw Howest Jocxey.—Rather unstable. A HUNDRED, AND RUN “WAYS AND MEANS.” TAKE IT EASY, Brown. You MusT HAVE A Goop SALARY.” YA-AS—PRE'Y WELL. I praw THREE HUNDRED A YEAR— INTO DEBT Four Hunprep, THAT 's—E1ont AND IF A BACHELOR CAN'T LIVE ON THAT—’'OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED ec You ‘H-m | OF HIMSELF ! ! THE EX-PENSIVE PRESIDENT, R.B.A. THREE weeks ago we asked, ‘‘ Who is Mr. Wrxe Bayuiss?” beyond being the President-Elect of the Society of British Artists in lieu of the Licensed Whistler, James I., de . We are now answered. The gentleman has been interviewed by a friendly Figaro who furnishes us with the following facts :— ‘Mr. Wyxe Bayuiss, when a student at the British Museum, did not limit his attention to the 97 Marbles,” but on the other hand, a Chess-player, he held, year, the cup for the county of Surrey. * He is, moreover “Chairman of the Board School in his District,” ‘‘ Member of the Diocesan Council of Rochester,” and besides being | . Public Orator of Novi ” (what on earth is this’), he is Honorary Fellow of the Society of Cyclists.” It is quite clear from all this that Mr. W. B. was born for Suffolk Street, and Wuustier, the Painter, was there decidedly out of place. And now having discovered Wrke Barziss, Pres. Elec., we have Spee to put to anybody who - re au ta. ‘Te , or ere is ‘ Noviomagus’?” And “ e a Public Orator all to himself ?” 4 Suapy Praces ron Hor Weatner.—During the past week, Lord VEN, as Chairman of the Sweating Commission, Lord HeRscHeLL with the Board of Works Foamy before him, and the Lord Chief Justice with the Great Turf Libel case, might have been represented at M Tvussavp’s as Macus, Minos, and Khadaman- thus, in a Modern “ Chamber of Horrors.” Their effigies might have melted, but their Lordships themselves are made of sterner stuff. THE WANDERING VETERAN. (A Legend 0) Wimbledon.) Tue Old Man sighed as he walked into Richmond. The children laughed at him, and their elders tossed their heads in scorn. But he did not mind. He leant on his weapon, which served him as a staff, and strode sturdily onwards. Soon he was in the Park. He sank on one knee. In a moment he was accosted by an official. ‘* Move on!” said the official. The Old Man wiped away a tear, and obeyed the order. He passed through fields and gardens, and now he was at Epsom. Once more he had prepared to make a — , ‘Move on!” again shouted an official, and the Veteran was forced to submit. And so he wandered from place to place—everywhere unwelcome, everywhere abused. At last he lay down on the goon, and could go no further. In spite of the rough requests of the officials ‘‘to get up and be off,” he stayed where he was. Indeed, he could Fonther. ‘** Where have you been ?’’ they asked him. ‘* All over the country,” he replied, in a faint voice; and then he told them how he had journeyed from place to place, and never was allowed to settle. ‘* And who are you?” : ‘‘The surviving Member of the National Rifle Association ;” and with a faint smile upon his thin lips, and forgiveness in his heart o hearts, for H.R.H. the Duke of Campnipex, the last of the Volun- teers calmly died. no Tue Coyservative Text sust Now.—Discon-tent.

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4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 7, 1888. i i} | ‘ SOA AAA j | | { SOHN } A\\ Th BRR Ks) \ WHAT OUR POET HAS TO PUT UP WITH. ‘Yes; sHe’s A MOST SYMPATHETIC WoMAN. I WAS READING MY LAST PoRMS TO HER ONLY YESTERDAY, AND THE DINNER-HOUR PASSED BY WITHOUT HER EVER PERCEIVING IT!” ** PARBLEU, MON AMI! YOU KNOW ZE FreNcn PRroveERB—‘QUI Dorr, pivz’/” JOTTINGS FOR THE TIMES. From the Duke of Downshire’s Journal.) A vERY weary day. Don’t think I can stand this Omnibus driving business much longer. Having to go to the BLvEMANTLEs’ crush as soon as I get home to-night, dressed before I took the reins in the morning, and have been got up in full fig, ribbon of the Garter and all, under my overcoat on the box ail day, so as not to keep the Duchess waiting. She says I look “‘ crumpled.” Don’t wonder at it. Six times from Hammersmith to Whitechapel and back is enough to take the starch out of anybody. Think, however, the Duchess has been put out, finding the new Dressmaking business she set up in Bond Street not half so satisfactory as she — it would be. She has tried to tone down the ‘“‘shoppy” side of it by offering her customers five o'clock tea, and by en- deavouring to invest the whole business with a little social glamour, but she h says that our pork-butcher’s wife, whom she supplied only last week with a ruby velvet, came and complained quite nastily that the dress did not fit her properly in the back, and on the Duchess smiling amiably and saying she saw nothing amiss, retorted that ‘‘ Business was business, Duchess or no Duchess,” and that when she ‘‘ paid good hard ‘money for what she ordered, she expected good honest work in return.” This sort of thing is, I am bound to say, only what I expected. I was not, therefore, surprised to hear that my two dear daughters, the Lady ConstayT1A, and the Lady Fropora, had had some di bles with the Principal of the Regent's Street Bonnet Establishment, in which I had just succeeded in placing them with so much difficulty, and had determined to throw the whole thing up. Then, again, the Fried Fish and Whelk business in lebone, which I had made such sacrifices to secure for PLANTAGENET, @ ikely to turn out a inting investment. He says that, after his life in the , he cannot disap —— som take kimd)y to the calling. ell, poor boy, he may be assured that it is not one that [, his father, would have sel for him, as the heir upen whose brows my Ducal Corenet must eventually descend—still, what was I todo? The only other thing in the market was a “‘ Sausage” concern. My second boy, BerTRam, seems, I am glad to note, fairly satisfied with his | butcher’s calling, and dons his blouse and shoulders his tray with the best of them. Still, the outlook is not cheering, and if Prawracewer backs out of the Fried Fish, all I can say is,‘ Heaven help him!” Sometimes I think if we could give a drawing-room entertainment, and appear at a Music-Hall as “the Duke of Dowy- suire’s talented troupe,” we might perhaps make ends meet. I should’still look ble in spangled tights ; but with Beaumanoir and the Dashworth estates both mortgaged over the hilt, it’s clear that something must be done, and that quickly. Ha! here is the Duchess! She looks well in what, trying to raise a miserable laugh among ourselves, we call, in wretched satire, the ‘‘ fam: M ste.” No matter. I will talk the subject over wit = But the slavey has announced that the four- voces is at the door. Very well, Duchess. Lead on, OLIOW . HOME-TRUTHS FROM ABROAD. (But not from Mr. Browning. Gleaned from the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s Speech in the Debate of last Week.) Ou, to be in Ireland Now the boycott’s there And whoever wakes in Ireland Finds some morning, unaware, That his baker denies him his daily bread, And his butcher is threatened with ‘‘ doses of lead,” While the ‘‘ bhoys” are carving his favourite cow In Ireland—now! II, And after daylight, when dark follows, And help is far, and vain all holloas, Hark, where the ominous knock at supper-time Preludes a talk, a hasty shot, a groaning— The goodman’s end! And she, who saw the crime, That’s the wise wife !—she’s dumb, but for low moaning, Lest she too know what mean the unwritten orders Of these same gay marauders! And though some sham regret may be expressed, Next Sunday ll show the boycott at its best ; Curses will dog the widow’s churchward way— Far better than our English Sabbath-Day! THE TRUTH ABOUT MR. BALFOUR’S HAT. Srrx,—I saw in the Times's Dublin Letter an account by an eye-wit- ness, of Mr. BALFour walking wildly about in St. James’s Park ‘‘ with his hat in his hand.” And somebody wrote to ex- plain this, and said that the correspondent of the Times wanted it to appear that Mr. Barrour had “‘ lost his head.” I emphatically con- tradict this. Mr. Batrour has not lost his head; but he frequently carries is hat on his shoulders and his head in his hands as you may see in this sketch by An Evye- WITNESs. Nore ow some Recert Evrpence.—‘‘ Vaw Dawa” is an appropriate name for a witness before the Sweating Commission who attacks ‘‘ Marte & Co.,” the firm always associated with furniture vans. Sone ror Lorp Tennyson anD Orner Porrs.—*‘See me re-verse.”” New Name ror Toanet.—The Lowther Arcadia. 7 te Ce Eble tte @ he om ob tite st ek

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Jury 7, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 5 COLERIDGIAN CONCEITS: Or, Drawines on Tue Woop, SILVER- PLATING wane you war: | A Uservt Piarsr. “In awp Our Runninc.” [At the first mention of “ useful Qn hearing this ph L-rd plater,” it occurred to L-rd C-l-r-dge of sage pry ig A oer Pa that several of his own and i forks wanted doing up. speene and happy school-days.) cordingly.) eT Ey it a 11 “| if} "I A u “ Serious MEN ENGAGED IN A R ” Puirne A Horse. ACE. [L-rd C-l-r-dge’s first impression— L-rd C-l-r-dge’s original idea— corrected after hearing the case.] subsequently corrected.) OPERATIC NOTES. Monday, June 25.—Lovely music to Il Flauto Magico. The commencement of one song sung by Monostatos (Signor KiNALDINI), a kind of Mozartised Christy Minstrel, reminds me of ‘* Ah, bravo, Figaro.” It has poleky reminded a good many persons of the same air long ago, but the Opera is to me a comparative novelty. Exciting oy SER trifle mixed. What I gather from it is that RaveEtti the Reliable is an Egyptian called Tamino, (evidently some familiar form of ‘‘ Tommy,”)—and that Tommy the Tenor, falls in with three Ladies, one of whom is Mlle. Dorr, which is a painfully ngueive name, but there is no lame attempt about her singing, no ‘* Dorri-and-go-oney,” but, on the con , she is majestic and impressive, more ‘ -on-the-eyey ” kind of performance ; and the other two are Mile. Desviegnes and Madame Scatcui, who is, as it appears, also in another line of business as a Real Genius (no one ever doubted it, of course) associated with two other Geniuses, Miss Loutsk LasiacHe and e. BAUERMEISTER ; and without the last mentioned no cast at Covent Garden Opera can now be considered complete. Well,—Tommy the Tenor, meets one Papageno (Signor Det PvEente),—a person in the ridiculous costume of a kind of Parrot in full feather,—and Tommy having been presented with a golden flute and a temperance blue riband, and Papageno having received a set of musical bells, they find themselves in, apparently, the Egyptian Court of the Crystal Palace; and here Tommy gives a solo to some ntomime Monkeys and profile Lions, Tigers, Rhinoceri, and Jephants—quite a ‘‘ monster concert.” Papageno makes some comic niggers dance by laying on his bells, but beyond this they make no particular use 0: der magic gifts. Then Zommy makes love to Miss Mrynre Havx, impersonating the remarkably fine grown-up daughter of Miss Etta Russe as the Queen of Night, who, for the loss of the infantine Muvnre, is draped in black, represen the curious spectacle of Night and Mourning all in one. Then Miss Havx is interviewed by her mother, Miss Etta Russet, who sings ishing top-notes as quite take away her breath, the mother’s, that is, and so she herself wisely dec the yootienems encore ; wet, before he, retires, mekes, a handsome present a dagger, per' to be u as @ paper- e, to ae Set Moyxtez, who, ovine accepted it unwillingly, promptly it. Then the Mozartian Christy Minstrel annoys poor Mrynre with his too demonstrative attentions, and she is rescued—she is always being | Papageno his has had it restored to him by the three gifted PB angie: ate hn bong bn etn ray ap tie los ted, and then Miss Mixuze, assisted by the three distinguished Geninses in Fairies were invented, is taken away by forthwith seen taking, as it appears, a sort of Turkish bath with him in, the pleasantest manner possible, he playing the flute the while and both decently attired, of course; they stand under a mountain torrent by way of douche—and what the douche it all means I don’t know, but the foregoing story is something like it, without mentioning Miss ARNOLDsON as Papagena, the bride of Papageno—she ought to have been Mammagena, of course—and without neaieene: the High Priest, who being a Basso, is a very low priest, and ought to have been Epovarp pg Reszxt, but wasn’t —having been metamorphosed by magic into Signor Novara,—and without going into any of the wonderful details and describing the grand Transformation Scene at the finish (‘Thought there was going to be Harlequin and Columbine,” grumbles H.R.H.’s Attorney- eneral, Q.C., M.P., to one of the Coes Committee, as he takes up his hat and slow! emerges from box. ‘‘ Should like to have seen RAVELLI as Harlequin, and ARNoLDSoN as Columbine,—charming Columbine, begad!”’) I should say that a better performance of the most muddle-headed Extravaganza ever invented has rarely been seen at Covent Garden. Could hear it all again with pleasure, but not see it. The only singer who really seems to thoroughly enjoy it is Scatcut. ARnotpson looks pretty as Mammagena. She ought to be brought on cartier. Why shouldn’t she be the Princess as well? She could “double the parts” as Scatcur does; but Scatcut is ‘‘ the First Genius,” and can do anything. Any Manager has a treasure in ScaLcui. Cen, oat sae for a song at any moment, and never make a mis-Scalchi-lation. Which is a crypto- grammic joke: so hidden. A TURN AT THE HANDEL, Tue Crystal Palace can now and then offer attractions by which crowds may be drawn, as they have been in the week past by the Handel Festival, without advertising the edifying spectacle of a woman hanging on by her teeth to a rope attached to a balicon ; though at first sight one is afraid lest the names of Abani, Nor- pica, Lioyp, and we bn ft the Palace, should not be Sag serge attractive in themselves without adding some gymnastic feat to their fine musical performances. ; The Oratorios went splendidly, and the Selections on Wednesday brought together a select audience. The Grand Old Mawns of the C. P. might have written something better himself than the speci- men of ‘‘ The Triumph of Time and Truth,” and have called it ‘* The Triumph of Time and Tune,” which is a hint for next Festival. Sanrwey in first-rate voice, with ‘‘ Honour and Arms ;”’ so also Lion, with his ‘‘ Love in his Eyes,” (no connection with ‘* Two Lovely Black Eyes”), which he sang deliciously. The G. O. M. of the C. P. the encore of the Occasional Overture for this occasion only, but ALBaNi and Norpica refused flatly—the only note of any flatness in the entertainment—to accept any encores, no matter how they might be pressed on all hands. Madame Norpica charmingly rag AE ar ye pretty wobbling Choir,” addressed, of course, to Handelian Choristers, who ney bridled up at the insinuation of unsteadiness, and refused to ‘‘hush,’’ rendering their fortissimo with such precision as to prove the charge of their being “* pretty wobbling,” to be absolutely without foundation. [A friend, who knows nothing about it, has suggested to me that when I say “ wobbling” I mean “ warbling.” Absurd! If I meant ‘‘ warbling” I should warble.] No one at the organ can be better than Best. In fact the whole performance was so that as everybody wanted to have everything over again, this ‘‘ Choral Festival’? may be memorable as the “‘ Great Encore-all Festival.” — 4 NEW CIVIL UNIFORM. Somernine FurtHer asovt ‘‘ Mr. G.”— Mr. GLADsTONE. was reported last week as iy having said that, among some of the few things he had to live for was to show ‘‘ the substantial identity between the theology of Homer and of the Old Testament.” We believe he since added to this the idea for demonstrating that the Six Days of Creation pest be understood as six ‘* Parliamentary ys. PepESTRIANIsM AT LamperH.—In the course of a series of amusing articles on the Established Church, the St. James's Gazette the -ecclesiastica - . — that “ Pour small but- ties of its position at home and in the rescued—by Tommy the Tenor, who, having lost his magic flute as) | : and a row of gold braid F costumes such as Geniuses wore many, many years ago, before Gaiety round the crown.”—Vide|_ New Name vor It.—The Metropolitan hae the Tenor, and is London Gazette, June 13. | Board of ** Perks.” os d front, and to | Colonies is “‘a case in which, in a marked totes oe to collar of | degree, difficulties will be solved ambu- cloak; gilt hook and | /ando.’ Yes, certainly—a deal of hain Cap: Blue | “ Walker” about this remedy. It might | cloth made up soft, with | be tried this week at Lambeth. a small gold braided top ee = a Fibs es ei t, nee = aaa s ns,

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[Juny 7, 1888.

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NRA \} i\) \ \ \ ) “ASSN PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ree ON PLEASURES OF A “ PLEASURE-HORSE.”

IN, Sali w

unm .. BicsBY DETERMINES TO WRITE TO THE Tres A LETTER HEADED, ‘‘ THE Dancers or THE STREETS,” DENOUNCING MILK CARTS WITH RATTLING Cans, Bicyo._es, Tricycies, GERMAN BaNnps &c.

— = — CLEARING THE COURSE! Atrn—“ Clar de Kitchen.” Ow St. Stephen’s stream, to give us room, We clear the course like a brand-new broom ; And we form a regular Government ring, And this is the song that we do sing :— Clear the river, cockboats, cockboats ! Old Morality wants clear way! ’Ware, cockboats, ware! If you should cross The bows of the Government Launch, you'll toss On a terrible swell from shore to shore, That might almost swamp a seventy-four. So clear the river, &c, Cockboats conceive St. Stephen’s stream Is free to all; ’tis a foolish dream. When the big boat comes with the crew at the prow, They must all get out of the way, somehow. So clear the river, &c. Like a big bull-frog in a tadpole swim, The steam launch glideth grand and grim ; And the Private Member who'd keep afloat Will be tossed like a cork in his erank cockboat. So clear the river, &c. There is Old Morulity wants clear way, And the run of the river by night aol te ; And chief-mate Rrrcuie he cries with a Slee ** If you don’t clear out, I shall ran you down ! clear the river, &e. ’Tis an Aaron’s rod of a craft, you see, This Launch, and the skipper, SaLIsBUREE ; Hopes if ’tis steered with strength and skill, it will clear the river and whip poor WiLL! So clear the river, cockboats, eock boats ! Old Morality wants clear way ! ” COLERIDGE CORRECT. Lorp CoLERIDGE in a recent case made an observation, to which we have already drawn attention, to the effect that he could not un- derstand how anyone with such an honoured name as ‘‘ Mosgs” could ever consent to change it for, e.g., ‘‘Morpaunt.”’ The Handelian Festival brought this remark of the Lord Chief Justice’s vividly to our mind. Where would be the force of substituting ‘‘ Mordaunt” for ‘‘ Moses” in Israel in Egypt? Or to take a t work by another Composer, Mosé in Egitto, how would Mordaunt in Egitto or Montmorency in Egitto sound? No; Lord CoLermnee is right. But is he not always right ? THE BARON’S BOOK. THe Memoirs of Baron de Rimini are anything but Barren Rimini-iscences. Startling and amusing. I’m not jealous, though he is a Baron as well as myself. Can’t help bursting out into poetry and singing :— O by Jingo! O my Jimini! Mervellous Memoirs of Baron de Rimini ; Nothing merely niminy-piminy In the Memoirs of Baron de Rimini ! Nothing like them since the records of Baron MuncHAvsEN, who, in

the startler. Truth stranger than fiction. Hacearp and STEVENSON nowhere. Walk up! Yours, Tue Baron pE Book Worms.

Iy re Scorr vy. Wutxrysoy.—Dear Mr. Punch,—I quite forgot to say—indeed, it only occurred to me afterwards, and I couldn’t re-open the case to admit the esprit d’escalier,—when I read out about the ‘orreries”” in the school prospectus, and remarked on the defective sanitation, ‘‘ On ’orrery’s Cod “esomiies accumulate.” Yours ever, L-ckw-p.

““ WE are in quite another World,” Lord Corermeg is reported to have said in his summing-up in the Woop case. The well-known | line from Zhe Stranger can now, on the Lord Chief's authority, be | thus quoted, ‘‘ There is another and a Betting World.”

my humble opinion overdid it. Ruin doesn’t ; it isallfact! There’s |

mA ie fa’ TTILIT OnNTTATWY rma reat gaye ve’

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Jory 7, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. re = [The Title does not allude to the Purtraits in the above Picture, which are those of Her Majesty’s Judges all er by steamer to dine at Greenwich. An artful Detective sends us this as showing a nefarious design (not the drawing) on the part of some ambitious Members of the Bar, which has been happily frustrated.] I tty j I . You, dear, old C one THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. not handsome, Dat you she yoo, wich, in far more noble.” gar I gave . her a kiss, and she said, ‘‘ | wonder if there will be any danci wy April 28.—At the office, the new and very young clerk Prrr, who} have not danced with you for years.” I cannot tell ‘what induced was very impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again. I told| me to do it, but I seized her round the waist, and we were sill him it would be my duty to inform Mr. Pexxvep, the princi To| enough to be executing a wild kind of polke when Sanan catered, my surprise Pirr apologised most humbly and in a most gen y | grinning, and said, there is , i a man, Mum, at the door who wants fashion. I was unfeignedly to notice this improvement in | to know if you want any good Most annoyed at this. Spent told him I would look over his un-| the evening in , and tearing up again, the reply to the Mansion That, having feft word wi Anan if Gow1no or Cum- munes called we were not at home. Must consult Mr. Perxurr how to answer the Lorp Mayor’s invitation. _ May 1.—Caxnte said, ‘I should like to send mother the invita- tion to look at.” I consented as soon as I had answered it. I told Mr. Perxvurr at the office with a feeling of pride, that we had rec vived an invitation to the Mansion House, and he said, to my astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the Lonp Mayor's pesnetanys I al ai eae a ey saoee of = aymetien, , ut I thanked . in me deseri ow I was to nday.—Woke up with a fearful headache and strong | answer it. I felt the reply was too simple, but of course Mr. m3 cold, CaRRIE, with @ perversity which is just like| Perxvpp knows best. her, said it was “‘ painter’s colic,” and was the result of my having} May 2.—Send my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailor’s Fie the last few days with my nose over a paint-pot. I told her the corner to have the creases taken out. Told Gowrne not to deal what was th call next Monday, as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent similar note to CUMMINGS. May 3.—Caxnre went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to consult about her dress for next oy While ing incidentally to Spotcn, : e ‘ one of our head clerks, about the Mansion House, experienced the greatest asked, but don’t think’ I shall go.” When a vulgar th my life, for rm ge my on is asked, I feel my invitation is considerably discounted. thought, full of blood, My wr ! evening, while I was out, the little tailor t round my coat and artery» and was jones So should be. vere trousers, and because Saran had not a shilling to pay for the pressing, ooking like a second t, as I remember he took them away again. ee 8. a second t was to the bell, but remembered —— a ae Kd ._ My third was, that it was nothing but the ‘READ him by his Form.” out of bath, perfectly red all Twelfth Night, Act 111., Se. 4. have seen depicted at an East-End Theatre. I i not to sa (Mr. Watrer Kean, playing last week for Surrey against Oxford, made a vee , Canare, but to tell Fanmenson to come on Monday the enormous score of 338 runs. pain’ white. Reap by his “‘ form” proud Surrey’s Reap, April 30.—Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for Should be " Resd-and-Run”’ indeed. Cargteand myself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansio A “form” so fine, may Reap not alter ; House, to ‘meet the Representatives of Trades and Commerce. Here’s wishing you top-scorer, WALTER! not 2, that of a school C invi pers Baten 2 or Soae Camas. ‘C ; Warm yor Tuem.—The St. Stephen’s Westminster Barometer, on the 26th inst., one of the hottest me ot = had, marked for the hen Opposition side of the House 93 in the ! New Name.—A “ Kill-joy” or a “‘ Wet-blanket” used to be the name for the guest whose every sentence was a damper on convivi- ality. Now, more artistically, he is termed a ‘* Depressionist.”

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we ne 2 iy S 10 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Jury 7, 1888. ROBERT AT THE ACADEMY. My constant wissits to the Royal Academy wunce every year, gets my eye so acustomed to what is I bleeve called Eye Hart, that now, when I entur its sacred presinks, I jest casts my egle glance around, and at wunce settles down upon my pray, and the first as I seizes upon is No which I am told is a old woman a rowing of herself | to Market, with lots of wegetables, the most singular part of which is | the Sea, which, strange to say, is all milk, every drop of it, or it may posserbly be curds and way, but it suttenly aint water. : No. 21 is Prince Bismarck. Well, I dessay as he’s quite a faverite | at tome, but I much wunders as he didn’t git sumbody jest to tie his |ashamed of such “u Tye! | is No. 95, and |is called A xtrordinary n/t 4 white handker- sher for him afore he went to be painted W hy a meal Coffec House Waiter woud be utterly The next thing as fixes my hegar gaz is one of them staggerers not ony sta gers but fairly puzzles me. It Siren. I don’t no what a Siren is, or where they happens to live, but they suttenly seems a remarkabl careless lot Now this one for instance has been a having a bath in the Sea, without no bathing - dress on, and sum- body has bin and stole all her close! and there she sets, poor thing, on the hard rocks a-trying for to mp ge in a@& Ship ever so far of come and help her. And all as she’s _ to emuse 1erself and keep herself warm is a little Arp which | spose as she "5 werry fond of tho she’s left off playing of it No. 107. Why the R.H. the Er! of HarEwoop Archie. | and dressed hisself up in a Tourist’s Suit, that coudn’t have cost him more than about 12s. 6d., when he was a going to have his picter palates, is a puzzle to me, the more edully as of course he might nave been painted in his crimson robes and with a Koronet on his hed, and praps have been taken for a Sherrif or heven a Lord Mare ! No. 152 is called ‘‘ Juno,” sumthink to do with the present munth I pugece. She’s a flying right hup into the hair, and is about the hugliest and the crossest looking flyer as ever I seed. I overheard a Gennelman say that the reason as she looked so dredful angry was becoz she had jest left Paris in disgust, though why, I coud not understand. But my pore ed akes with seein so menny picktchers, and I must ere defur my most hintrestin remarx and crikisissums for annuther hokkashun. Rosert. RETURN OF PALMY ITALIAN OPERATIC DAYS. ‘IT say, Frep! QvuITE REMINDS ONE OF OLD Times, EH?” | shoud ’ave gone - = - WIGS AND BONNETS. My pear Mr. Poncn, You are always so very kind to Ladies that I am quite sure you will do your best to assist us to obtain the redress of a little grievance that has caused us a Jot of worry recently. You know how fond we are of trials—especially a criminal one, where a nice interesting murderer is put in the dock, and has to fight for his life. It is such fun! But, alas! my dear Mr. Punch, the resources of the Central Criminal Court are of the most limited character imaginable ! I can assure you there is scarcely any room on the Bench, and some- times it is absolutely necessary for Ladies—accustomed to every home a com fort — to 4 put up with y "eR wretched seats ] ; the Court! We l, | in the body of want you to | y , | get all this My /] altered for us. \~A Cannot the Old vA / Bailey be re- yf built, or some- thing ? What makes the matter the more irritating to us is that at the new Royal Palace of Jus- tice everything is so ‘very nice. My sister and I the other day, were on the Bench with that dear Lord Chief Justice, and you cannot | think how ex- cessively nice it was! We had such delight- fully comfort- able chairs, and the *“*L. C. J.” (asour barrister young friends eall him), was 80 amiable ! The dear good creature scarce- ly gave himself any room at all so that we should not be crowded! And then the Lun- cheon! Well, I will not say anything about that, as (like the Duke of PoRTLAND’slet- ter), it was a rwate matter ! Sut really and truly it was and talked to our heart’s con- . —— — tent, and the dear Lord Chief J. kept on making such funny little remarks! Pre- tending, you know, not to understand anything about}racing, when everybody feels that he is a thorough old sportsman! I was rather sorry I had not brought my ‘‘ work” with me; but a friend of mine —such a clever young lady—had got her Sketch-book with her, and took likenesses of all the witnesses! She finished by]drawing Mr. Lockwoop, who, everyone says, is so clever with his pencil.;“If he sketched her, I am sure it must have made a pretty picture, because he seemed to be so pleased at attracting such attention! If the Lord Chiet Justice would let us bring a camera into Court, we could have great fun! Now, dear Mr. Punch, pray don’t forget about the C. C. C., and, believe me to be, always yours sincerely, Horrorsfield, Gloomshire. EmIty pe CHatrersox- Pry. | | | | | - aise= —— \) Siemens). -ancagcie. alii T Se ae

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Jury 7, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 65. | OTN ATA AN NQF a mh iy hi Fi fi |i 4 mor ry ? 5 \ \ zo so um J > Mae : ie Neill! MMMMALTRAHIIMNA A i}| \ MRL ILA (My o'e | pti)! 1 | \ a i THE HOUSE OF LORDS. vernment arraigned. Indictment set speech full of ne of literary style. ito dock. Makes a lovely crimin ps Rev p anything to counsel for defe | | | | | | | | Lord-Lieutenants ing up at Peers’ Gallery. ing at him with professional eye. House crowded down upon ly looki rlanc ooking ELLINGTON ?—marchin, ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT: EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, June 25.—Great field-night.~ Go- . Air of unimpeachable respecta- rt of man sure to be bailed out,” said CHartes Russert, look- at outset, but specially in Galleries. ! , ng his men past the Pyramids, so that he might sa chisty centuries were looking down on ’em.” ory B. nodded with friendly recognition to Spencer and ABER- DEEN. Rather cut Loypoyperry, who had snatched an hour from arduous duties at Dublin Castle to sit in Senate. Densy there, as usual without Joan. But Srrarnepen had brought Campsect to recreate his great mind by taking a turn at Irish affairs. Sreatu- EDEN AND CAMPBELL—*‘‘ Siamese twins of Ja haute politique” as Rosesery calls them—an audience of themselves. Sit by the hour with grave face looking into space. ‘‘If they hadn’t been born to share British Peerage,’ said Grorce Curzon, who is an authority on the subject of Peers, ‘‘ would have made a reputation as Chief of the Apaches, or any Indian tribe where a look of unutterable wisdom is qualification for leading position.” On the whole, rather a dull evening. Everybody intensely inte- rested, of course; fate of Ministry in balance, and all that sort of thing. Still, after first couple of boutte Members began, as it were, to fold their tent like the Arab, and as silently steal away. Just before Nine, House so empty, occurred to anonymous humorist (probably Joacut™) to try Count Out. That would have been funny to have Members summoned from ends of earth to attack or defend Ministry, forth by Joun Mortey in Otp Moratrry formally led nce, ** Three us,” said JoserH GILLIs, like Napotron—or was it

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wre | S. Sect SOS eee pi tee fhe i ls mcs es 4 : ‘ hes y 2 ne a eS we [Juny 7, 1888. and the sitting to end in Count Out. Joke spoiled by Members rushing in from dining-room, ‘‘ their mouths full of cabbageand contradiction, as Syrpyey Suirn said of Hatxtam when he came upon him at a dinner-party. Later, SaunpERson got on. Made things more lively. Colonel been a nui- ; sance all night to Members sitting near him with his sub- dued cries of ‘‘ Whirroo!” and his twirling a lead-pencil round in his fingers, as if it were a shillelagh. Couldn’t | hold him in any longer. So, at Eleven oClock, took off his coat, stepped down on to floor before Irish Members, and for space of an hour walked up and down, trailing his coat ; shouted at the Irishmen at top of his voice ; answered back with shrieks and yells. Quite a pity when mid- night struck, and Debate stood ad- journed. Business done. —Vote of Censure moved Wednesday, 1 a.M.—Over at last Division bell ringing; Mem- bers, recovering from comatose state, staggering out into division lobbies as men -daz What a night we’ve had to be sure! O’Brren began it with h an hour long. Better have been fort minutes. But mercifully moderate compared with what follow CHAPLIN, not to be outdone by Irish Member, spoke for over an hour ; then Giapstows for an hour and forty minutes. Next thin end of the Gxpex modestly inserted during blank dinner-hour. Then Batrovr for two hours and ten minutes; and, finally, Sexroy, for as long as House would listen to him. | HaRtrveron spent miserable time for last Sety chat hours with | speech laboriously prepared. Harcovrt sat on Front all night | big with impromptus, packed to his boots with repartees. Wind Sexton appeared on scene . with his perpetual smile of F ineffable scorn, his illimitable = waste of words. HartrneTon and Harcovrt mutually re- solved to sacrifice their speeches.. SExTon sure to on till morning. And he did. P beyond measure wi himself. So wra up in charms of own eloquence didn’t notice that Batrovur after first three-quarters of an hourhad slunkaway. Went on with same irritating everlasting smile, pesating + ~ of scorn at nding OLD Morauiry, who had incautiously dropped in Chief Secretary’s vacant seat. Speech of the evening decidedly O’Brten’s ; volcanic in its energy ; vitriolic in its bitterness ; irresis- tible in its ing of facts and arguments; bold and feli- citous in its illustrations. Pit the puters part of it ae eg : at top o volee, crea’ circle ; of ches deafness within imme- diate area. Gestures aie, r “ No gestures!” dangerous to personal ety 0 : Members sitting underneath. But | speech yay | conceived, inimitably phrased, good enough to com- | pensate for these remedial drawbacks. | “* Erin-go-Bragh!” cried Piunxet, momentarily falling into his | native tongue, in admiration of compatriot’s native eloquence. | ‘Splendid! But reminds me of what Currsy said of Grarray, that he to serape the ground with his knuckles as he bowed in speak- , and thanked he had no eee Se usiness done.—V ote of Censure rejected by votes against 273. Wednesday Afternoon.—Doctor Graypotru, D.C.L., tarned up. Not been here much since Degree conferred on him. Rather expected 12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. he ’d appear in cap and gown. But same now as when he was General |Grawpotrn, V.C., or Lord High Admiral Granpotpn, K.C.B. Modesty still his guiding star. Dropped in quietly, “a far as possible, unobserved. Channel Tunnel Debate on. LADSTONE supported Second Reading of Bill. A little awkward that Doctor GRaNDOLPH should be shareholder in concern. But trifles in the way of logical difficulties never insuperable. When he became a share- holder was in private capacity. In opposing scheme in Com he appears as a Statesman. GLApsTONE takes other side. Delightful to see Dr. Granpotrn) gently shaking ferrule at Old Boy; laments his deficiency of knowledge respecting military and naval matters. On the whole not in bloodthirsty mood. Old Boy let off very gently. Early evidence of the Doctor's new erudition displayed in lavish quotation. Taken a leaf out of O1p Mo- RALITY’s copybook. ‘‘ Let well alone,” ob- served the tor just now, with look o supernatural wisdom. ‘‘ Better is the enemy of Good,” he added, by way of peroration. “Yes,” said Orp Moraxity, unusually moved by this audacious incursion on his copynela “and Imitation is the sincerest ttery.”’ Bill thrown out by rattling majority. But Wartxrw not a bit disheartened. ** Wonderful man!” said the G. O. M. ** Fancy I shall live to make him a Peer yet. _ Pierage of course. Shall sug- gest the title Lord Tawnet-CHUNNEL.” Business done.—Channel Tunnel Bill re- jected by 307 Votes against 165. Thursday.—Lively debate on Sunda Closing Clause of al Government Bill. Government propose to drop it. Harcourt, who might have slated Clause had Govern- ment stuck to it, now protests it is best part of the Bill. Can’t part with it on any aceount. Incidentally birehes Carvg. Ring immediately cleared. Heavy weights, about same height, and fairly matched. Conversa- tion most edifying. Lord Tannel-Chunnel. “Yah!” cries Hiescovee. —“ Boo!” says Carve. “Get ‘long with yer Barrow!” says Harcourt. ““Unele Pumblechook,” roars CAINE, who is a student of Punch. ** Where did you borrow your Latin ar?” jeers HARcouRT. ** Political lurcher!” cries Member for Barrow, and Harcourt retires with this brand of Carve red on his massive brow. Witrrm Lawson gave genial turn to debate by dropping into familiar Latin quotation. Turned out, to amusement of House, that in this respect WiLFRin’s strong point is quality not quantity. Timzo Danaos et dona ferentes, was his way of putting it. ‘** The long and short of it is———” said WiFRmD, wenpuing up. ** That you put the long where the short ought to be,” said Bryce. But Witrrip not to be daunted. Immediately after dragged in th | another, even more familiar, tag. ** Cave canem!” he said, looking at CAINE. ** That ’s Dog Latin, eh, Tony ?” said Henny James. Business done.—Licensing Clauses omitted from Local Government Bill. In this way we’re getting along quite nicely with the Bill. House of Lords, Friday.—Our Only General at it again. Wemyss made a back for him, with word lution raising question of National Defences. Our Only took it flying, jumping on GrorerE Hamitton, whom he accused of making wild, extravagant, mis- leading statements on subject of vital importance to nation.” The Doox to the front again, apologising for having created scare, and explaining away his intentions. * Fact is, Topsy,” he said, when it was over, “it’s my personal appearance that’s against me. Can’t help looking warlike and fierce. y martial bearing strikes terror into casual observer. I must dis- semble.”” Wemyss’s Motion utterly ignored in course of debate. Nobody said word for it, or against it. So Lords, always, polite, made up for slight by accepting it. Business done.— Government Bill in Commons. History Repzats Itsexr, with variations,—as may be seen in the Wood y. Cox case. What will remain in men’s minds long after other details of the trial have been forgotten will be the Duke of PortLann’s confidentially free-and-easy communication, which, like Lord Jomn Russext’s celebrated Epistle in the ‘* Papal Aggres- sion” time, will be known as ‘‘ The Durham Letter.” Coy. ror Casvuisrs.—If “‘ the Receiver is as bad as the Thief,” as verbially affirmed, is it less ‘‘ scandalously irregular” to buy a ‘ surreptitiously obtained official document”’ than to sell it ? Tue Prussran Dret.—German Sausages. Y NOTICE.— Rejected Communications cr Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any diverij ties, will im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped «nd Addressed Envelope, Cover, er Wrappes To this rule there will be no exception.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jouy 7, 1888. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., “and 2, Sy 8T., seeqtep CBr, We, te of Albany 8t., Agents or India :—Cortsa, Pause, & Co. ace bottle, as a sample, will be sent post free y address on receipt of P.O. ‘or 4 6d. COLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878. KINAHAN’S -ra2cxmx PURE, MILD, anD LL opp tnusn, paiuaee kun WHISKY. WHOLESOME, THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865. 10,GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET, LONDON, W. J. EXSHAW & 0. $ BAND 2. WU. Sesleaeen bao “Regent Street, W. QLD VINTAGE PORTS. 1861, 1863, Led 5, 1868, 1870, 1872, &o. 8. JOHNSON & SONS, WATH-ON-DEARBE, ¥' 4D. 1799. SWIFT’S SPECIFIC is entirely a Vegetable Preparation, containing no DE JONG’S PURE DE JONG'S ICED COCOA OR CHOCOLATE. (PATENT 1887.) A New and wonderfully Refreshing, Delicious, and Invigorating Summer Drink, prepared in one minute from SOLUBLE COCOA. (THE “ACME” OF ALL PURE COQCOAS.) 2-oz. Sample Tins free of charge, on application by letter, from the CHIEF DEPQT OF DE JONG’S COCOA, 6 and 7, COLEMAN STREET, LONDON, E.C. [ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.) BEST AND ESTABLISHED 1825. NEAVE'S FOOD FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE AGED, CHEAPEST. THE PURE WHITE “GLYGERINE SOAP” Softens and Preserves the Skin and Complexion. & GROSSMITH, , SILK STREET, CITY, LONDON. le. 6d. , 2 Of 3, at Chemists and Grocers, or direct. WEEDLES! MEEDLES! WZEDLES! MILWARDS’ CALYX -EYED KRATZ PATENT. Require no Threading, i.e., Thread without Thread- ing, and are yes of Ordin i t work with. Mitwauops’ Standard Makes ry Needles are Mitwanps’ Kromrerep —s hase, Bast," *Mirwanpe Pesnr va. Cuencn Br. mple Packets Free, ASHFORD MILLS, KEDDITCH. Mercury, Potash, Arsenic, or any su stance, and cleanses the blood by fore out the impurities through the pores of wn, skin. Huadreds of thousands of cases of Hlood Pieces, Skin Diseeses, and Mercurial Poisoning have been re- lieved by Swift's Specific. Mrs. Sanam Powztt, 39, Russell Street, Hyde Re ad, West Gorton, Manchester, writes :— “I suffered for many years with Cancer on | tongue, which came near putting me in the I took Swift's 8 ific,and am now well—can walk and talk as well as any one. I owe everything to 8.5.8. Iam ready to answer all questions.” 8.8.8.—Swift's Specific, > by al! Chemists and Patent Medicine Dealers. Price —Liquid, 4s, 64. bottle; Dry, 2s. 6d. per Boe reat Posted on — ef ebeve price. Send for Treatise on Blood and Skin Diseases. Posted free. THE SWIFT SPECIFIC COMPANY, %, SNOW HILL, LONDON, E.C. VECETABLE Get a bottle to-day of PERRY DAVIS’ PAIN KILL. ER. the and most widely-knowna Family Medicine in World. It instantly and Cures Bevere Scaids, eres, ae Tooth ot we pes and Limbo, and a Any Chemist can caper if'et at 1/14 und 2/9 per bottle. HOWARD BEDFORD SHEAF BINDERS. ee ee a ee ee ee PETER | HEERINi. I _ BRAND Y LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. Lea eeeent xe CR UCR witbenceean ted to deceive the Pul Les & Pennine Ct el py to the fact that each bottle of the Origina! and Genuine WORGESTERSHIRE SAUCE Lea Geni : 5 eR the etors, Worcester aoa e este Be tae = Export Ollmes Retail by Dealers in tan the World. NODA VERITAS HAIR RESTORER. For Twenty-Two vane acknowledged to te all other eartveat Bovaniose, and NuUpA Vauiras re- faded we wii at vt 1 an DA VERITAS is wate se at 10s. 64. by pam mr ig Perfumers, &¢ by * whom Circulars may be ha Scents; R. HOVENDEN & SONS, 31 and 3%, | po eos Sraper, W., abd 01-95, Cree Rosy, B.C., pom. UMBRELLAS. SAMUEL FOX & ©O., Lim added to their celebrated fra: tune Socios improvements (protected by Letters Patent), which give increased Stability and greater Neatness to the Umbrella. SAMUEL FOX & CO., Limited, manu facture the Steel specially for all their frames, and are thus able to provide exceptional quality at a merely nominal price over inferior makes. C. BRANDAUER & CO.’S CIRCULAR POINTED Write as smoothly as « lead pencil, end neither scratch —_ spurt, the points being ounded by « new process. C BRANDAUER CrSStPENS Seven B ity F Medals awarded, Assorted Sample or post free for7 stamps from Cc. Brandauer & Co.'s Pen Works, Birmingham. “FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED » ~-/ BLOOD MIXTURE. Is Jp worpentes to cleanse the blood fom oll pol images, from wusrrven cause arising. Yor Eetema, Skin and Blood agg end ne oenee he kinds. its effects are marvellous. Spo g for Gout a aleemste. Ye he crvwe from the blo: ees bottles, te 64. and Ils. each, of for 33 % 132 stamps by the i celia Liscels and Midland Counties BEWARE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS. HARNESS COMPOSITION w aTERP ROOF). SADDLE PASTE (Warenrnocor ) S. & H. BARRIOS ‘neat Leather Articles POLISHING PASTE. Pos Cisaniue I, genaee amp Gtase Sold by all Gaddlers, Grocers, and Ironmongers. Manufactory: 567, MANSELL STREZT, LONDON, 8. CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE “Tt consider it a very rich delicious FRY'S PURE COCOA BEST BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER'S INK (DICHROIC). Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT: HAYDEN & CO., 10, Warwick Square, E.C. Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DRAPER, Ltd., Dudlin. " Sanitas " n=) Disinfectants Wet a 686. Tae Gas ao og CORPULENCE. All persons suflering from this burdensome and da gerous state of the body, and even those developing tendencies thereto, should write at once for a treatise on gabe te nds | Mr. C. B. Harness, rick The book ee ADVICE HOW, nics cea without mt veporting todrestie medicines, or Sar. dietary, sim OBESITY IS CURED, > on Gratis and post free on application te the MEDICAL BATTERY CO, Limited, “= OXFORD STREET, Lowoox, W. GOURD NAM — SORES AUREDUNE ties Reads M°CALL'S PAYSANDU OX TONGUES. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For act INE ov tas STOMACH, HEAKTAULN, ae ay ow GOUT, and INDIGRSTION. , and all Chemists. COLT’s DOUBLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as noes to War Depa ie Sete Solera TROUTIES © PEEOt. takes ere and qualit all over the wort guue. and aad toy . tor the Vout volvers are Price tree. COL1T’® FIREARMS Co. ,i4, Pall Mall, London 5. W. £2.) Bee oe eee eae y fy ay ve nF bal ee die h- ts. Cocoa.” —W. 2. 8. STANLEY, M.D. ae URE RIGRNIT >" ence y srg

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jvuty 7, 1888. ARE STATED RECOMMETDED ot THE FACULTY i ave al the Roval BY ERY Wate ‘To “Derties and Tims, AND POULTRY APS. Desert adh Bp ny i - tin to the AVOID THE DEATH-TRAP OF bey ie ay DRAINS, NOXI , EVERYWHERE, BY THE TiMEL EYE DISINFECTANTS. FLUID, POWDER, GASES, PUTREPACTION, SEWEE AND SOAP. 1 EFFICACIOUS, HARMLESS, NECESSARY. fra ROBERT RAW- 3a P R ! Z E LINSGOK, CB, ©. E., MEDALS. ChiefSanttary Engineer, fre JEYES' heve come to th conclusion that it is the best disinfectant in use All places are sweetened by it.” JEYE ) SANITARY COMPOUNDS BY MEDICAL AUTHORITIES TO BE The TRUE GERMICIDE. The TRUE DISINFECTANTS. The TRUE ANTISEPTIC. The BEST, CHEAPEST, and SAFEST DISINFECTANTS, ANTISEPTICS, DEO- DORISERS, and CLEANSERS EXTANT. JEYES’ DIGINFECT\NiS have the LARGEST — holds EMINENT and Government Establishments, SOLD 64 aod is — Soaps from 44. ib. ALSO SPECIAL ive Circulars, with ful vale tiars of sures’ Sani extract Deror 8. aw ON STREET, LONDON, #.C, “THIS BONNIE BOY HAS PUT HINSELP OUTSIDE = RIDGE’S FOOD sno mors Lore so HAP.” HEALTH and STRENGTH insured to Old and Young by the constant use of DR. RIDGE’S DELICIOUS COOKED FOOD. A speciality for Infants, Invalids, and the Aged. —A spoonful stirred into half N B a tumbler of cold spring water makes a delicious beverage, is very nourishing, and cures indigestion, Ask for OR. RIDGE’S Food. Take no other SOLD BY CHEMISTS AND GROCERS EVEZYWEELE. Pamphlet Post Free on Application. May vvactory : RIDGE’S ROYAL FOOD MILLS, London, ¥ Telegraphic Address : “RIDGE’S FOOD, LONDON.” Freckles, ote, SOFT, 8: ° It is the MOST PERFECT Emcilient Milk for the skin ever produced. and no Lady who values her COMPLEXION she uld ever be without it. &¢ to ea reaae Any sive ent free for 34. extra by the & le Maker, M. BEETHAM axp SON, Cuewrers, Cururerman. world Sole Manufecturer and Inventor, sale Agents for Great Hritain Ossoass, Gane A Lovely BATH and TOILET WATER will be cbtained by Using “PASTA MACK.” s Entirely Now and Fxcellent HEALTH-GIVING PREPARA- 108 8 SOFTINS THE WATER, gives ita most DELICIOUS ODITS, _ And BEAUTIFIES the COMPLEXION In a most extraordinary way. | SH YULD BE IN EVERY BATH-ROOM AND BED-ROOM be had of all respectable Chemists and toro err & © about the 4 D. Whole . London, W. REGISTERED TRADE MARK )AKIN & GOMPY.'S WORLD-RENOWNED TRADE MARK. Prevents the Compression of the Stomach, and allows Ful! Play to the Pectoral and Abdominal Muscies. This act alone renders them ["VALUABLE 80 ALL WHO DESIRE TO BREATHE EASILE AND FREELY. Veartcat Dasceur Cacestass Bascs Oapurtaay, Parent B ‘* They are certainly the best and most — ro — over ewan, "—laee amp Wares, June 2. Watt others in distinct aivantages over al! en ing the Verticel for the Diagonal Draught of the ordinary and other Patent Braces. Affords immense comfort to the wearer by adapting itself readily to movement of the body in the most sim ple and ortable manner aosustinc AACE ‘The Croastree Company, 55, Eastcheap —June 16, 1888.—Gentlemen,—We can highly ecommend your ‘ Crosstree Brace’ several members of our establishment having worn hem from the first. Our sale of the Brace is an increasing one, and our customers most satisfactorily of the comfort and freedom in the wearing. —eses traly, Aus IN, WITHERS, and BENNE . r, Hosiers, Glovers, &c., 22, Walbrook, London, E.C.” SCIENCE appLicp TO BRACES e pep yee now worn your Cr -estree Braces conctewsbie ws yes. Esq. ,L.L D.,4, Chancery Lene. os S94 time, and & much pleased with THE CROSSTREE BRACE is now much worn and recommended by first-class Tailors, who | that ite ase I ROVES the FIT and HOLDS the TROU- SERS IN ‘POSITION BELTER than any other Suspender. Bac yet introduced to the — Price from > "ea. (Daplicate parts of the Brace may be had). Of all Enterprising Hosiers. If not obtainable at your i Hosier's, write to the Craoss- tans Co, for name of agent. ‘Wholesale of the GROSSTREE CO., TEAS COFFEES ARE THE CHEAPEST AND | & BEST. AUTION LADI E should avoid the Cheap Teas now C . being sold as genuine, which are simply the refuse of the Chinese markets, and are injurious and tasteless. DAKIN & CO., Established 1844, is one of the LARGEST TEA HOUSES IN THE WORLD, and supply ONLY PURE TEAS, COFFEES, &c., of UNSURPASSED QUALITY, and GUARANTEE a DIRECT SAVING in PRICES. Number One, St. Paul’s Churchyard, and Oxford Circus. SEND FOR PRICE LIST, and compare with what you are now paying. ALL SAMPLES POST FREE. 56, Eastcheap, Lendca, scum sizreangns SS IDAKIN & CO., Offices and Warehouses, Carter Lane, B.C, PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. Printed by William Stuart Smith, of No. ip the Preciact of Spepine Read. Holloway, im the Perish of *t. the City of London. im the County of Middiesex, at Prin Offices of Messrs. a Lombard Streer, ee Oe en er Se TR Tine

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>: cc WwW > WwW a WwW p 7) «df a 2 a. SHILLING BOOKS|} BURGLAR BIL |e. 2 “e Author of “Vice Versa,” &. Pleasant Reading R O 8 E RT. With Cuarces Keene’s [//ustrations. (2/6 complete.) Summer “Holide ys. i mw CO M r = == oli ee N G lo E R. H. FuRMIss’ s Ultustrations. N® 2453. VOLUME THE NINETY-FIFTH. —pe— a JULY 14, Yat <a 7 PUNCH OFICE, 85, a —*) < a are me Be) —— DUNS i YO. yi os VRPT RATT EE Clg - re AS»

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imported to jccieur 4 wee Bo. any 3: w. Wint! RB, 4723, Oxnford St., London, Price 6s 64 6d.,2i8. Bor Unting grey or laded Mair Snith is im Valuable.

SWIFT'S SPECIFIC te entirely a Vegetabie Preparation centuaaing no Mercury, Potash, Arsenic, or ant poisonous sub stance, and cleanses the blood by forcing out the ities through the poresof the skin. Hundreds ‘th yusands of cases of Hieed Diseases, Skin Diseoses and Mercurial Potsoning have been re- lie ved | by Swift's Specific Mre Sasam Powstr, 9, Russell Street, Hyde Road, West Gorton. Manchester, writes >— “1 suffered for many years with Cancer on my tongue, which came near puttume me in the grave I took Swifts Specific and am now well—can walk and talk as well as any one. I owe everything to 6.5.8. lam ready to answer all questions.” 6.8.5.—Swilt's Specific, sold by al! Chemists and Patent Medicine Dealers. Price—Liquid, és, 64d bettie; Dry, 2s. é4. pe {+= kage, posted on receipt of above price. Send Treatise on Blood and Skim Diseases. Posted free THE SWIFT SPECIFIC COMPANY, %, SNOW HILL, LONDON, E AND COLOURINGS SILK AND WOOLLEN STUFFS IN EVERY VARIETY OF COLOUR AND PATTERN. AN IMMENSE CHOICE ON VIEW AT REASONABLE PRICES

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ma ela

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‘A Jury 14, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 13 —_—_—— VOCES POPULI. AT A WATER-PICNIC. Miss Fritilla Papillion (arriving at seating-siage with her brother). Why, Teppy, isn’t that STe~ia ERSHAW Mr. Papillion (dissem- bling his rapture). Is it? I resay [Looks carelessly about, and wishes he had had a new ribbon on his straw. Mr. Petticure (elderly, but of youthful exterior, who has u the control of the expedition - Then we’re all here now? I’ve told them ‘to get the boats ready. I thought we’d just pull \ qui up to Eelbuck Island, d there, and have our picnic and—and what not, and drift comfortably down is time for the last up-train, ehr [General Chorus of ‘‘ De- lightful !” Charm- t ” $e. Miss Manley (observing Mr. Buncomse’s elaboratel:; tic attire). I needn’t i = are going to row. r. Bunc. (modestly), Oh, if I’m wanted. But they seem to have nothing but I’ve got so used to a slider. fixed seats in these boats. Mr. Papillion (who has been making some highly artful arrange- ments on his own account, coming up to Miss CInNERSHAW). I—er— think you’re in my boat, Miss CINNERSHAW ? Miss C. (with a sweet smile), Oh,am 1? Then we’d better be getting in, hadn’t we ? Petticure (arriving at the exact moment when Mr. Papriiion, overjoyed at his success, is handing Miss C. into boat), Here—here, stop a bit—let me see, Papriiion, you’re going to stroke, eh? Very well. DeErappER bow. Miss Movte steering. Capital !—but Miss a> Sper P No, no, that won’t do—can’t spare you ; must have you in with us ! Miss 4 (with, if possible, a still sweeter smile). Must you? Oh, very well. Pett. And, Parriuton, I’ll put somebody else in Miss Srexia’s 7 Ah, Miss SeveaMs ; (in an undertone) nice chatty girl—you oa I mind about looks, I know. That’s right, then, you’re settled ! Gove Up-Srream. Miss Moule (to Mr. Paprnion, who is rowing with the gloom ts galley-slave). There’s ing more delightful, don’t you think, than an excursion on the water? want to go to the left, isn’t it? Inevercan remember! a barge or a steamer coming. [Mr. P. just conquers temptation to leave her to exercise her own discretion. In the Second Boat. Mrs. Ballast. Trim the boat, Mr. Ruttocxs! Now, what a pretty tical idea of yours! But you must wait till we get to some water- ilies. In the Third Boat. Miss Manley (stroke, to Mrs. Depwayte). Could you manage to keep her head a little straighter, dear ? rs. Dedw. I am trying as hard as I can, ATALANTA—but it will a going to one side! fr, Buncombe (in a gallant manner, to Miss M.) Afraid I’m pulling you round. Miss M. (who has been rowing with one wy) the last half- minute). Are you indeed? I didn’t notice. (Mr. B. executes an elaborate backfall.) Don’t apologise ; I suppose you forgot you were ona (uct seat. Mr. B., from the bottom of the boat, is understood to attribute the acct to some peculiarity in the button of his oar. The boat which carries Miss CINNERSMAW sweeps gaily by Mr. Parit- LION’s ; Miss C. is rowing under Mr. RULLOCK’s supervision. Mr. Rull. (with a tender patronage). Better, Miss Crvwersnaw, much better! Don’t cover more than the blade of your oar, an your wrists at the finish—beautiful indeed ! Miss C. I shall soon get into the way of it, now I have someone to coach me properly. t’s the right string you pull when you | And there’s | |Mr. Perricure is secretly depressed because a youn d drop | your sister will be all right, you know. Mr. P. (grinding his teeth, to Mr. DerappER, who is inserting an - in the water placidly at intervals), Shall we—er—quicken up a it, Sir ? Mr. Def. Eh? Rest a bit? Miss Papillion (playfully, from Miss C.’s boat, as it rapidly recedes). ey EDDY, dear, don’t overtire yourself! He hears her voice from afar Sos Miss C. that poor Teppy _ is getting wee round-s ed. Miss Sesoams. ion’t let us hurry, Mr. Papriiion, it’s so much nicer to glide gently along. And by-and-by, when we get to a quiet — I want you to teach me how to row. I’ve so often wi to earn, but I’m such a dreadful coward in a boat—with most people ! Ow THE IsLAND. Mr. Papillion (after landing, and finding himself close to Miss CrynERsHAW). I hope (huskily) you had 0 pleasant row ? Miss C. Oh, delightful! I rowed part of the way, and then Mr. Rvtiocks and I towed. Miss Fritilla o her brother, archly). Teppy, how disgracefully you behaved with that Miss Sevzams—we saw you! Mr. P. thinks people cught to know better than invite a fellow with his sister to this sort of thing. Mr. Pett. (to numerous private inquirves). It’s no good—we can’t do anything till Buncomne’s boat comes up ; they *ve got the cham- pagne, and the knives, and all the plates—and they ’re not in sight yet ! r. P. (making a second approach to Miss C.). I don’t think this as! has been very well ws C. Oh, don’t you? hing so beautifully ! Mr. P. is about to explain what he considers were errors of judg- ment, as Mr. PETTICURE comes up with an immense bunch By all means, by all means! [ He easies. thought Mr. Perricurye arranged eve’ of grasses. Mr. Pett. (with the air of an authority on costume). I’ve been wondering all the morning what it was your hat wanted to make it absolute perfection, Mise Srezza ! Allow me—one moment—there .. . (he fastens bunch into her hat) i ing! g! [Miss C. submits as sweetly as ever. Mr. Pap. (indignantly, as Mr. PerricurEe ambles off). But you | don’t approve of that, surely ! Miss C. Oh, no—it’s hideous, but I can’t take them out very well now, can I? (Mr. P. is about to express his sense of her angelic consideration— when his sister intervenes as usual. Miss Fritilla, Now, Tevpy, I want to talk to Sre.ia very particu- larly. Go and make yourself useful with the hampers, or there ’s poor Miss Squeams all alone there ! Mr. Buncomse’s boat arrives an hour late, with Miss Mantery and Mrs. Depwayte in shocking bad tempers, as he has volunteered to steer, and broken two sculls getting into a lock; B. is as serenely pleased with himself as ever, and says the Conservators ought to make the lock entrances wider. Miss Squeams (to Mr. Parriiron). I thought Mr. Buncompe was such a ‘‘ crack oar,” as you call it ? Mr. Papillion (who is feeling misanthropic), I don’t know what you expected—but he’s smashed two al y: AFTER THE PICNIC. man in a burst of effusion has wished that he had a father like him. Several Ladies ‘‘ think they felt a spot of rain.” Packing begins in confusion. Pett. (coming up to Partition). Look here, we must make some alterations going back. Miss Maney ’s very anxious to get back as soon as possible—so’s Miss CINNERSHAW. Pap. (trying to repress his delight). Yes? and you want me to,—eh ? Pett. Exactly, old fellow, to take Miss ArTsLanta MANLEY’s place in Buncomse’s boat. ‘ Pap. And—er—how’s Miss CivneRsHAW going? _ Pett. Oh, in my boat—it’s the fastest; with Miss Sreiis and Miss Maney, and Ruiiocks, rowing randan, we can drop down in no time, and take some of the old people on with us—you and Bun- COMBE can manage without a cox, I daresay. OUTSIDE THE STATION. Bunce. There’s plenty of time, I tell you. What’s the matter with you? You’ve been as grumpy asa pig all the way down. [| told you I didn’t feel up to doing much work coming back. Of course I shouldn’t have run into the bank if I’d seen where I was cing ; but, after all, the damage to the boat won’t come to much tween us, and it didn’t delay us half an hour! What, just missec the last train? Well, I thought it was rather a forlorn - but nd you and I, old chap, must keep up one another ’s spirits at the Hotel, eh ? [Paprition, who has been reckoning on the railway journey as his last chance, is incapable of replying. VOL. XCV,

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14 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. (Jury 14, 1888. == (ZA, oT AAA : = 1 = Shuto te Z z Le | 4 “ = MR. PUNCH’S PARALLELS. No. 8. \4w A414 ae > “UWMatA araral e4ANANANG \ DRA — . \ ne é Vhs: “le Anco®™ THE BICENTENARY OF THE ARMADA. Captain Charles Beresford. ‘‘Gapso! BELAY! AND AVAST HEAVING! My pear EYes! Tue ENEMY 's IN SIGHT!!! Drake Hamilton, ‘‘ l¥aAKINS |! AND BY MY HALIDOM! BUT WE WILL FINISH OUR LiTTLe GAME FIRST!” THE NEW ARMADA AND THE NICE LITTLE GAME OF DUCKS-AND-DRAKES. As it might have been written in the picturesque and patriotic pages of a new “‘ Westward Ho!”’) . . . . 7 . > | I the reader were a student of political men and machinery, he | would have found few more curious companies on whom to exercise his discernment than he might have seen in the little terrace bowling- green on this afternoon of July. Chatting in groups or lounging over the low wall, as though on the riverside terrace at St. Stephens, were gathered many notable men—and some less than notable—of the British Senate, the posse comitatus of England’s (more-or-less) worthies. See those five talking fleeringly ina ring. Those sleepy eyes, that pointed chin you recognise already ; they are A——r B——k’s. The

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Jury 14, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 15 | — pug-faced young man in the cutaway garment, who eyes A——R B—R a is his old friend and leader, Lord C——1; opposite to them stands, by the side of Lord H—y, a man as stately even as he, A—— r B—— k's uncle, Lord S——y, of H——d, Premier of England. But who is that plausible and apologetic-looking personage playing at bowls with S——xz, yonder? A pretty patrician stamp of man; yet the whole figure and atti- tude of him wanting in determination, self-possession, energy ; and when he — a multitude of words with scant meaning of a satisfactory sort, all eyes look doubt- fully upon him—for his name is Lord G——z H——». But he plays the game as one that loveth it, huggin the bowl caressingly, as a miser his money-bag, an eyeing the ‘‘jack” as keenly as an angler eyeth his bobbing float when a big is nibbling thereat, and the creel is empty, and supper-time draweth nigh, and the inner man speaketh sharply forth in favour of grill and goblet. Verily, ’tis a little game, this British Bowls, that a man loveth not so much in proportion to his patriotism as to—well, other considerations that need | searce be set down in detail here. Skill thereat, like unto success on the Stock Exchange or in the juggling | diplomacies of parchment and protocol, argueth little for | a man’s merit as citizen, state-servant, or patriot. ‘ A murrain on it!” muttereth one standing by, a small but sturdy and striking-looking personage, with ultra- | equiline beak, and back adorned with a sort of decorative | jib-boom, ** Here be fellows calling themselves Supervisors | of Her Majesty’s Services, yet are they playing, as it were, ducks and drakes in the day of danger. A petty | game, and an unpatriotic. Blurt for them, sneak-ups! | say I. I share old Admiral Hawxurys’s scorn of croakers. As the outspoken Admiral hath it, ‘ These same beggarly croakers be only fit to be turned into yellow-hammers up | | to Dartymoor, and sit on a tor all day, and ery, ‘‘ Very | | little bit of bread, and no chee-e-se!”’ Many alarmist | | seribes and factious ex-officials there be whom I should | rejoice to see served incontinently in such sort. The} yowling yellow-hammers only so cry what time they are out in the cold. Snug-n , and safely perched, they | pipe rose-water optimism of a shallow sort every whit as pernicious, in its own foolish way, as the frog-like rye | of the croakers. I’figs, were I Admiral of | THRIFT. deen tet hang the whole ‘herd of t — Highlander (he had struck his foot against a ‘* stane “ ‘* Poew-1s '—E-EH WHAT A . — 794 ’ SPIT ew ’ sen”? igh as Haman, if they didn’t clap tompions in their DING MA PUIR BUIT WAD A GETTEN IF A’D HAD IT On !! muzzles pretty fast. Marry sneak-up, say I again. ii in Ie ; a % of ee But for this same e pitiful with British bullion for NAVAL INTELLIGENCE : bowls, and British honour for stake, I hold that no true gee ae —e 2 | man—— But who cometh here now ?” Or, WHAT MAY BE Expecrep up To Dare. ., Captain C——z B——», as I’m a sinner.” | Her Masesty’s ironclad, Staggerer, having yesterday taken her crew on | Pree the oy mazed or drunk, then? or has he seen joard with a view to joinin in’ the ‘ eetherine Naval Demonstration, but | . gr A pen ean ant eld 6 eile being still unprovided with , guns, it was determined, before she started, near out of his head ae os li to test _her. po ae gg war on . a wae, by . —_. prelioamery a : iin ‘*ramming” practice. e harbour being crow a e , affor a Pg! i ® Jae, wisking, beardless en Ty favourable opportunity for essaying the test in question. The operation, which 8, who had just burst in from the tavern through the a ipeared to create some surprise among the local shipping, was in every way low hatch, upsetting a drawer with all his glasses, and : fi i now enme Banting and teeing un tothe est laatal successful, a passenger steamer, several yachts, three or four colliers, and a the Admiralty & & up steam-dredger being in turn all sent to the bottom in a remarkabl short space “My Lord, my Lord! They’ tan? ¥ the of time by the Staggerer accomplishing its task with perfect facility, as it off the Lica rd last soht Ney Fe coming. 4 saw them made several vigorous and unexpected runs up and down the wreck-strewn “Who? my od Bi rs to havé elt all's water. It is rumoured that the incident will probably form the basis of an manners behin you ee Oa a eee ‘The Armada, your Lordship,—the enemy! But as| A rather serious accident is reported as having occurred poe afternoon for my manners, ‘tis no fault of mine, for, as manners on board Her Majesty’s heltel alee Perambulator. It appears that the count among Party popinjays, I never had none to leave Purser’s Mate having dropped a three-penny bit in the magazine, incautiously | behind me.’ entered it with a lighted candle, and —o a spark fall on the fifteen tons of ‘What wilt drink, man?” said the first bowl-player, | powder stored there, ignited the whole, wit the result of blowing out the ship’s blandly. Setten, and otherwise seriously disabling her. It is said that the occurrence . ¥ fm om oy H—n, First Lord H——y, this is no’ will, in all probability, form the subject-matter of an official inquiry. ime for bowls,—whether for toping or throwing!’ cried one ‘ | | the eagle-beaked bystander nom Be hoe ° | Last evening, the turret-ship Boot-jack, while slipping her cables for the | s% y not, then, my Puncuivs? Come S——r, we’ll | night, suddenly headed on towards the ironclad Magog, and as she was bearing | play our nice little game out before we move. It will be down on her, the order to “‘ go ahead at full speed” having by some unaccount- om A 9 ie mente before we can be fit to tackle them, | able eee —- ove oe of that to ** cate ni an a a so an -hour can’t matter.” | was the result. The Magog had an entire watertight compartment stove in, | “‘T must command the help of your counsel, First Lord,” | while the whole of the bows of the Boot-jack were carried clean away, and said Lord Cuares, turning to aa | both of the vessels were towed inshore in a sinking condition by the rest of the “And it’s this, m Lord,” said H——n, looking | Fleet. It is reported that the untoward contretemps will very likely afford Ky ap he — his bowl, ‘‘ How slow sever Sey oe, | materia) for an official inquiry. ey ii come far too fast for us to be aught like ready; | Bg so let no man vainly hurry himself. And, as example! Last night there was again the usual collision in the dark among the torpedo | is better than precept, here goes!” boats, and three more went to the bottom. It is rumoured that the affair will | . 4 ° - shortly become the subject-matter of an official inquiry.

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r- 16 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 14, 1888. ————_—— ROBERT AT THE ACADEMY. No. 26. Ah, I’m not at all surprized at the gorgeus but di ited Footman looking quite «shamed at having to carry the Baby’s Nore’s Ark from the Stores! or that all the pore le as is a buyin their wi and drink shood loo so estonished at the meanness of the grand Carridge Peeple, and all jest to save a pelt sixpense or so. No. 126. “* S ieciee of many ears.”” Ah, poor thing, if she’s ad to carry that big bundle for ever so many years she must be pretty well tired of it I shood think. I nose as I shood be, but, thank goodness, that hasn’t bin much in my line. Waiters wonts pashence and manners rather than mere brute strength. The Parsons all looks perfecly satisfide with things in gineral . ; and theirselves in sortichlar, as No. 288. The Ghost of a Patient. they ginerally does. As usual, No. 198, Sir R. Hanson, Bart., X- Lord Mare, carries off the Parm Tree. What a costoom! how all the other sillybreties hides their diminished heds and looks the other way at sight of his Jubilee Robes. His late Lordship seems about to say, ** Bless you, my | peeple!”’ No. 348. Well, I do like cheek! | The idear of saying as Sent Mar- tin’s Church is in the feelds! when we all knows, speshally all raddi- cles, as it’s in Trafalgar Square. But the hutter hignorance of sum hartists in many well. known mat- ters is sumthink ardly creddible. No. 360. The young coupple as is having of their nice little | bit of chat, had better look sharp about it, for the old Lady, as pertends to be asleep, has evi- dently got one eye open. No. 364 is called ‘the Garden of Eden,” so praps I had better leave it to my eolat’e emagena- shun, for I reelly haven’t the — imperance to elude to it farther No. 139. than to say, that if that sort of thing had continued, I don’t see how on airth we could have found employment for the wurking classes. RoBERT. “QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY.” A Page from History, more or less remote.) Tue day for the Triumph of Trrvs had arrived. It had been delayed for a season, as it had been desired (to quote a print of the period) ‘‘that the Italian Exhibition, per se, should first ‘ win its spurs’ on its own merits.” Again to refer to the same authority, “* it had done so, and the Colosseum was opened with a view to give Englishmen some idea of Ancient Roman Sports and Pastimes in a more realistic form than had ever been previously attempted.” And, to more fully carry out this intention, the Directors of the “‘ spurred’ and possibly ‘‘ booted’’) Exhibition, made a charge, varying from six- pence to 36s., to those Members of the British Public who desired to avail themselves of the boon thus generously offered to them. The Colosseum itself had a st appearance. One-half of it was filled with a motionless audience of persons in the costume of Ancient Rome, while the other moiety contained a few languid » tors. garbed in the costume appertaining to the close (or rather clothes) of the Nineteenth Century. There was a flourish of trumpets, followed by music, in an orehestra of exceptionally early Romans, whose instruments, however, were of far more recent date, and then the Triumph of Trrvus commenced. First came a line of Roman Guards, whose helmets were brave with coloured worsted. torians. They, in their turn, were followed by Gladiators, ‘‘ Young Gladiators” (who seemed well qualified to accept en, nts of a Terpsichorean character), Lictors, and many others. came the Emperor and Empress standing (somewhat unsteadily) in a chariot, remarkable chiefly for an entire absence of springs. ey were suc- ceeded by more ‘‘ Young Gladiators,” Consuls, Vestals judiciously veiled), Matrons (seemingly not many years older than their imme- They were succeeded by rows (fully ten | men to every one of them) of Etruscans, Gauls, Legionaries, and Pre- | | to three vestals of substantial proportions, who irdu diate predecessors), and Slaves. It was a motley throng, and one that certainly gave to Englishmen ‘‘ some idea of Ancient Roman Sports and Pastimes in a more realistic form than had ever been pre- viously attempted.” And as the beholders came to this conclusion they murmured to themselves, ‘‘ So it is written in the programme— good old programme!” Trtvs and his illustrious Consort having taken their places in a sort of roomy and draughty private box, the Sports and Pastimes com- menced. First there were “ wrestling bouts” that gave not only an excellent idea of Ancient Rome, but also an sini recollection of modern everywhere else. Then followed foot-races that were as full of local colouring as the ‘‘ wrestling bouts.’”’ These over, and the ‘* gladiatorial combats”’ commenced. They were certainly peculiar, especially a contest set down in the official programme as ‘‘ the Roman Quintet.” Not surprisingly, the quintet consisted of five men—a gentleman with a sword and four warriors in helmets, shields and weapons all complete. The gentleman with the sword (who wore the unpretending costume of an acrobat) for a while indulged in a fight of two to music which fight of two gave some idea of the combats once popular in the minor theatres of the mighty Metropolis. Wearying of this, he produced a second sword, and, still to music, engaged in a contest with all four of the warriors, frequently waltzing about in their midst. This eccentric behaviour apparently caused the warriors to die of fright, and consequently left the acrobat master of the field, and ready to receive a wreath from the Emperor as a token of his victory. The ‘‘ gladiatorial combats” were followed by some chariot-races that rather suggested the idea that the animals engaged therein might: possibly belong to that useful breed of steeds known to moderns as ‘‘ wild omnibus horses.” Then came a contest between “the net and trident,” which caused less awe than merriment. Ultimately one of the gladiators was wounded, and appvaling in vain eed in ‘‘ police verso,” for mercy, was done to death. Then it was that his conqueror tried to drag him out of the arena. For some time the dead man was motionless, but the journey being a long one, his legs ultimately became revivified, and obligingly assis in the rest of his lifeless form’s removal. After this came—to quote the programme—henevolent and ancient document !—‘‘the teaching of the Tounh Gladiators.” This instruction roved to be a dancing lesson, and ‘‘ the Young Gladiators,” to jud: rom their physique, might have taken part in the days of their youth in a Burlesque at the Gaiety or a Ballet at the Alhambra. More ‘* Ancient Roman Sports and Pastimes” followed, and then, with a grand processional march, the Triumph of Trrvs ended, never to be seen again, save at the hours of ‘4 and 8°30, wet or dry, daily.” And as the small crowd of languid spectators dispersed, one of the more languid (thinking of the Wild West and the Paris Hip rome of a bygone day) murmured to himself, ‘‘‘ Wet or dry ’—well- beloved and antiquated announcement !—again and again, ‘ good old programme !’”’ GRAND PROSPECTS FOR “STUFFING BOYS.” Mr. BLunpELL MapLe’s an amusing witness before the Sweating Commissioners, who have all had a good deal taken out of them during the past muggy weather. He is reported to have said, on Thursday last— “A boy who was engaged in stuffing could rise to any position in the com- mercial world.” Whereupon somebody among the audience shouted out, ‘‘ No!” which interruption evoked a rebuke from the Chairman, Then Mr. BLUNDELL Mapte explained how he had meant that “The boy could rise to any position as a stuffer.” And this correction of Mr. BrunpER Mapie’s—(name altered for the occasion)—was received with “laughter.” But wasn’t he per- fectly right at first? What better training could there be for the honourable position of an Alderman,—which counts for something in the commercial world,—than a course of ‘‘stuffing”? And as a ** stuffer,” if he only stuffed enough, he might at last rise to be a good old-fashioned English Mayor of the traditional type. For these are degenerate days. We haven’t had a stout Lord a for some years; there’s scarcely a portly Alderman to be found in the whole Yourt, and not a nose of any importance worthy of the Ward of fine old crusted Portsoken. No lunder, MaPie, but you ’re abso- lutely right ; and if an improvement can be introduced into the Ci b of Mayors, the Sweating Commissioners will not have sat, an Mr. Mapte’s evidence on ‘‘ stuffing boys” will not have been given, in vain. The problem, ‘‘ What to do with our Boys,” is solved. e them ‘‘stuffing Boys”; and, like other boys, they have only to ** eram”’ sufficiently, to be able to rise—(sounds difficult for any bo ** stuffed” or ‘‘ crammed ”’)—to any position in the commercial worl and become worthy members of the Big Corporation and full-siz Lord Mayors.

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Jury 14, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. = 17 | rest for a bit. | aches you have, than fly to OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Gurpe-Books at this time of year are our principal reading. Mvrray come up! or in this instance, BLack come up! as he is first in the field, though the field is, just now, likely to be uncommonly slo PY: Where we go? I look wistfully at Black’s Ireland. Dost like the association: Ireland’s black enough just now; but ‘‘ dark’s the hour before the dawn,” and we’d prefer to go in broad daylight. Here’s Black's Guide to the Isle o. Wight. Worth knowing, this. Black’s Wight,—for once. ightful short trip. York- shire is the next ** Black” Country t’s out, and after that Derbyshire. Why not for once and away try the Home remedies provided at Harrogate, or Buxton, instead of Aix and Homburgh? You will find the merits set forth in Black—and white. Give the ‘‘Continong” a “‘ Better,” says the village Hamlet, ‘‘to bear the rs (Aiz in Savoy, Aiz in German that you know quite enough of.” I have been there, and st wouldn’t go,—not except upon compulsion. As for the seaside, well, the best air anywhere is to be got in the Isle of Thanet (which doesn’t want Home Rule at present, and is perfectly satisfied with a decreased majority against it) whether re go to Blushing Birchington-on-Sea, to the Wiid Westgate, to Merry Margate, y Broadstairs, or Refreshing Ramsgate. The German REEps have a lively entertainment just now, entitled Wanted an Heir—to which I reply, ‘‘ The Air of Thanet is all you ean possibly want.” But there are more seasides than one to this question, and Black’s move on the board is Wiitby Bridlington, and Scarborough, the first being far and away—well, it is ‘‘ far,’ and a considerable ‘‘way ” from London—the best. The Tourist must not forget to take Tracked Out with him. The title is suggestive of a guide-book, but it isn’t anything in that line. It is a sensational shilling novel, written by ARTHUR A Brckert, who is the author of Fallen among Thieves, The Ghost of Greystone Grange, The Mystery of Mostyn Manor, and who will, no doubt, in due time re Picked up among Pickpockets, The Filtered Phantom of Felkirk’s Folly, and The Crime of Cricklewood Creek. It is midnight, and I have just opened the book. The lights burn blue. To bed! To ! Tobed! Hark! Who’s that knocking at the door? * * * * Yours, from under the bed-clothes, THe Brave Baron pe Book Worms, A MUSIC SCORE. Tuesday.—Un Ballo in Maschera. Fairly good all round, as a Ballo ous! t tobe. Jean DE Reszxé plays splendidly. G int that of his, making a pause just before BF Scherzo,” “*T think Makro used to do it,” says ALFR-D W-Ts-N, who wanted to follow the score closely, but, having so many sporting and dramatic things to think of, has brought a volume of the Badminton Library by mistake. ‘‘ Very annoying,” he says, ‘‘but between Acts ‘can read the Duke of Beaurort’s preface ; always amuses me,—nearly as good as first chapter of Pickwick.” ‘‘De Reszxé’s first-rate in ‘ E Scherzo, eh?” says H-r-ce F-nq-n-n, appealing to H.R.H.’s Attorney-General. ‘‘ First-rate!” returns the Attorney; ‘‘ reminds me of a chap in some burlesque who used to sing, ‘ Let Dogs rece Bark and Bite’ to the same tune. Went wonderfully, begad., classical burlesque—Gods and Goddesses—all the Olympians.” At this moment Lord L-TH-m looks into the Omnibus Box, but catching the word ‘‘ Olympians” withdraws. M. LassaLLE rather cold, but warms up for ‘' Er: tu,” which, it strikes me, he sings to perfection. ‘‘ That’s a pretty compliment to the audience,” observes a t Major A.D.C. to Mr. ALFr-D, who smiles sweetly, but remembers something similar having been said y Sypvry Sarrn, and glides away from vicinity of the Major. ARNoLDsoNn’s face and voice both pretty. Madame Roza not so effective here as she was when nting one of the Don Giovanni's easy victims, not quite such a Rollaking part. Scaucut, as Ulrica, of course,—where would Un Ballo be without Scatcn1? ‘* Where, indeed!” sighs the composer who writes under the name of WALTER AvstTIN (and for a very reason) ; ‘‘ but,” he adds, kindly, “‘ if Scatcui only had a few lessons from me, you’d see what an Wiriea e’d be!” Mise-en-scéne unexceptionable. Total,—good; but not the best thing this Season. Wednesday.—Day out for Operatic Birds. DrunrrtoLanvs gives grand “Three o’Clock” at St. James's H Goes “‘like One o’Clock.” Axpant, Norpica, Ravetw, & Co. Thursday.—** Guglielmo,” or our old friend ‘‘ William” Tell. Bi Hons. . ey dove 9 es! what, Yh agar af gusting Lord HARLES, and ts a pai -new white kids when applauding the trio and oa d of Second Act magnificent chorus at the en : He knew it would be a success, ‘Sure, didn’t I ‘Tell’ you so?” ‘*T remember,” observes Lord R-v-.st-xKk, ‘‘it was in a} h is beaming again at the appearance of an entirely new set of ballet costumes worn by Merry Swiss Girls, Swiss Boys, and a novel array of Bounding Swiss Beefeaters. ‘‘ Can’t be Swiss Beefeaters,”’ objects C-mps-LL CL-RKE, who lives on the Continent, and knows more of Switzerland than most people imagine; ‘‘ must be Goateaters.”’ Then he whispers in my ear, “‘ Je pars pour Paris demain—be on—I mean I’m off to Parry to-morrow ; the political situation,—little sketch—when me,” and he bestows this upon me as parting gift. give you my idea o you see, remember France. **‘ Mate!” Dérouléde and Boulanger. “ Not yet. We have another move!” Mile. Bavermeisrer as Little Jemmi. Might as well put ‘ Little Bit-.ee,” into Italian Opera. As a matter of fact, ‘‘ Big Bruter” ts in it, being Guglielmo himself, played by Lassatie. What a pair of conspirators, Epovarp DE Reszxk as Walter (not of The Times but of this Opera), and LassaLie as William! Both “ very fine and large.” Little Arnoldo (M. Prtvosr) shouts his loudest against them, but he’s only ‘“‘a mealy-mouthed constitutional Leader,” only a foolish O’DoNNELL or a ~~ | . Justin M‘Carruy against the gigantic Swiss PARNELL and Davirt, ‘‘ nobly struggling to be free.” This is an € that Floral Hatt enjoys. He leoks upon Guglielmo Tell as a Home Rule work, and wishes the G.O.M. were here, instead of gardening-partying at Dollis Hill. ‘* Dollis,” says the Floral One, very much in earnest, *‘ sounds too like Mario- nettes, but here’s the real thing.” ‘“‘ Ah,” sighs S8-rH-rt-np Epw-xps, who remembers the palmy, and the Grist, days, ‘‘ com- red with Mario, all modern tenors are but Martonettes’’—and own this goes in his note-book, in which, like Count Smorltork, he is collecting material for his next new book to be entitled, Changing Tenors, a companion to his latest Prima Donna in two vols, Act First ends with the excited exit of Epovarp pe Reszxé and De VASCHETTI going out toboganning, and dienppeering down a steep incline. Act Sond ends ificently. Act Third ends noisily. The pippin has been shot off little Jemay BAUERMEISTER-SINGER’s ead, and when presented to Grim Gessler (Signor Mrranpa), the Tyrant of the Tyrol, proves to be an apple of discord. ActIV. An apple—no, an appeal to the Cantons—"* Suivez moi!” by ARNOLD, who, with a sword, goes through ARNOLD’s exercises, rescues The Grand Old W111,M, saves the boy, is married to Mat1Lpa McIntyre, a Scotch Italian—(same sort of family combination as The Scotch Italian, McIaveit1)—who has done what was expected of her in first- rate style. Soin Guglielmo Tell, or the Story of the Apple, all ends Apple-ly, as it ought todo. Don’t think Zell a heavy Opera, not as done here to-night: full of life,—‘* Tell” est la vie. Too long; not life, but Opera. Saturday.—Considerable excitement to hear new Carmen, Every- body here, and very soon Everybody likes Mile. Zér1e pe Lvussan. G t and-far-from-Rustic Swarne, Major A.D.C., says, with best French accent, ‘‘Can’t have trop de Zélie here.” Applause. After First Act bosquets, not bouquets, carried up on to stage. Out of one of these Pretty Prima Donna wrenches flowering shrub, as a Reward for Ravetwii,the Reliable. After Second Act, same i with Signor MANCINELLI, who receives small tree for his ean conducting and for his knowledge of music in all its branches. Too much of Floral Tributing. Occurring so uently, it looks like a ‘ pereer lant.” Brilliant House and brilliant performance. Toréador RURIOLANUS contento. Tac POR THE RECENT Jockey Case.—‘‘ Then (Jury) Box and says the Deputy Judge Advocate General to Druriotanvs, who Cox are satisfied.”” (Curtain.)

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. it ea > Yeni on ae st. sé 18 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 14, 1888. THE “ CENTIPEDE.” A NEW FLEXIBLE, PATENT-JOINTED, VERTEBRAL OvuTRIGGER. (SEEN—AND DRAWN—BY Over Artist (THR Festive ONE), AFTER AN UNUSUALLY SCRUMPTIOUS LUNCH ON BOARD A Hovuse-Boat AT HENLEY.) OUR “MUTUAL FRIEND.” hae» N The projected visit of the Emperor of Genuany My white-winged harbinger, my gentle to the Czar is (says the 7imes Paris Correspondent) dove ; considered to be a guarantee of peace, in view of The vision of the Shipka horrors haunts you? the present disposition manifested by the young The trump of Armageddon lures not you ? Emperor, which must be accepted as sincere.” Well, if the prospect of my rule enchants you, I hold it to your view. You would not see it wandering perchless, Peace loquitur :— Must be accepted! Well, I’m sure I’m) Thestricken sire, the aged grandsire vanished, willing | Here comes Germania’s youthful heir and To hail the slightest reason for such trust, hope. (ished, Although the flaunting war-hosts Europe| Were War’s grim spectre not securely ban- filling | If, not in hollow phrase or canting trope, May somewhat mar the optimistic ‘‘ must”’; | But in plain speech of honest men, you greeted A guarantee of Peace?’ I’ve known somany ; Me, and struck hearty hands in my defence, And who will guarantee the guarantors ¢ Whilst down the wind War’s carrion-bird The Emperor, old or young, must be a zany fast fleeted, Who yearns for wanton wars. Death-struck by faith and sense ? But then my ardent lovers,— | Say, shall I make a third, get welcome ready ? And all men are so, if you trust their words Shail there be faithful bond between us When my dove flies and when War’s raven three ? hovers, | If our accord were full, our union steady, Are so much given to confuse the birds. That would be something like a ‘' gua- Strange! Emperors pray for me, and poets | rantee.”’ bless im | Are you prepared to hail me, Czar and Kaiser, Most earnestly when most prepared to fight,| ‘** Our {ratual Friend,” foe but to fight and And those who seem most eager to caress me feud ? Are readiest to smite. As counsellor and cordial sympathiser, hope J don’t intrude ! A zany, yes! Still, I'd fain hope that ‘pom disposition,” May be perpetuated. Ah, young Prince ! Sa GS Of warrior-worship you’ve made exhibition, | Pan-Awnotican THeatricat Amatecr En- > +s » _~ 7 ae a- AD Ad od . AA : 7. Proud passion for “ my Army” you evinee.| reee,rwent at Lambeth Palace, for the an amend amme tst youthful | smusement of the assembled Bishops, when AS38100. I wonder now whether your love for me : o Obli ” Is a soul-fervour or a mere speech-fashion. entitled, " To OSlige Benson. Well, we shall shortly see, ————SS—————————— And you, my Autocrat, austere and restless, | Crvetty To Horses.—Pulling and seratch- They say you love me with a burning love ;' ing them. will be performed the laughable old farce, | BAH! BAR! Or, the Duties of a Counsel Defined by Webster. | Client. If you please, Sir, may I see you | without the intermediary of a Solicitor ! Barrister. Certainly, my dear Sir, under certain conditions. But I will not bother you | about those for a moment. Perhaps, first, you had better state your case ? Client. My house has been burnt to the ground by incendiaries. Bar. Are you quite sure ? Client. I think so. Then I have been deprived of all my loose cash by fraudulent | trustees. Bar. Yes! Anything else ? Client. My wife has run away, and my | children have been unjustly expelled from school. My house is tumbling about my ears, and I have been unreasonably deprived of my engagement as a City clerk. And, now, what shall I do? Bar. Really, all this is very bad, and I would willingly help you, if I could. But just answer me. Is any Solicitor acting for you * Client. No, certainly not. Bar. So far so good. And now tell me is any matter you have mentioned contentious | business ? Client. I can’t say. That depends upon | your advice. Bar. But I can’t give it unless I know | whether Fae are going to fight or knock | under. ut once more—are you quite sure of the accuracy of your statements ? Client. Well, I suppose they are fairly true. Bar. ‘‘ Suppose” and “fairly”! That settles it! I am afraid I must refer you to the other branch of the profession. As you | evidently have no objection in the abstract to lies, why, you had better consult a Solicitor !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 14, 1888. Wy dV f Yi WHY "4 Wi YY Wy, | Wy IW OUR “MUTUAL FRIEND.’ | | Spreit oF Peace (to the two Emperors). ‘HOPE I DON’T INTRUDE!!” LE $$ — — ————— —

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— pomtace tu pee, et ; par ; ea se i ia : - —_ - ~ oom - 2 ve ma SRE a a alt ee eS a PDR ae agng, +! ‘

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 21 Juty 14, 1888.] HOW WE ADVERTISE NOWADAYS. RANDOM! \\4 ONSONS Diils dx ay ed iY , : § c 6 " S| TROUBLES TTL BY DP wood BILLAIS. | Tuis Lirrte Boy HAS EATEN TOO MUCH JAM, BUT JIM JONSON’S LIVER PILLS wit cure uM, —_— TWO P.’S, BUT UNLIKE. Mr. Parnell. Mr. Poca, I believe ? Mr. Punch. Mr. Parnewt, I’m sure. Mr. Parnell. Your manner of salutation re-assures me. We are friends ? Mr. Punch, Acquaintances. Mr. Parnell. Mr. P., if I thought you looked upon me as the mean-spirited sanguinary creature the Zimes would make me out, I’d— d—well, there now, I’d be sorry for you. Mr. Punch. No necessity for sorrow or anger. I laugh at all that’s laughable, even when it’s contemptible. I assume every man’s innocence until he is proved guilty beyond all possibility of doubt. Therefore I assume that you and your party are innocent of the complicity in these crimes with which you have been charged. Mr. Parnell. And you don’t believe a word of it at all, do you now? Who in his senses can believe that I, or Par Eaan, ever wrote such trash as was put forward by the Zimes ? Mr. Punch. I am in my senses, and I say, as every judicially minded man must say, that if these letters are forgeries, if your treasurer, Par E@an’s, letters are, as he wrote to our friend Laney, M.P., ‘‘ villanous coneoctions,”’ then why do not you, with the Parisian Pat, and others of your party, unite, and bring an action against the Times ? Mr. Parnell. Why should we ? Mr. Punch. Why? Because the cause which you have at heart will gain the sympathy of all liberal-minded Englishmen, if you purge yourself a your party from all taint of crime, and P ems you may remember I offered to have the whole matter sifted by a Select Committee of the House ? Mr. Punch. An offer the Government obstinately declined, sug- gesting that you should bring your case before the ordinary tribunal. Mr. Parnell, And would f have a fair trial ? Mr. Punch, Before an English Judge and Special Jury? Certainly. Mr. Parnell. lf it were only myself, you see. . . . but—there, | can’t do it. Mr. Punch. If a person in a responsible position charges a private individual with complicity in onal then I should say any man conscious of his innocence, would prosecute the utterer of so foul and malicious a libel. Mr. Parnell, But isn’t an Irish gentleman’s word as good as that of the Times? Why certainly. And suppose, now, I1’d publish a pamphlet charging the proprietors, publishers, and the whole of the Times crew with conspiracy and with aiding and abetting forgery, where ’d I be then ? Mr. Punch, Try it, and you'll see. Floreat Hibernia! day. Causa nondum finita est, [Ezxeunt severally, Good “READY, AYE READY!” (Imperial Naval Farce, just produced with great success, ) A Secret Chamber in Whitehall. Exalted Admiralty Official /isten- ing attentively to report of Well-informed Subordinate. Exalted Admiralty Official. Then I am to understand that the Jackass, Bouncer, have been patched up into a condition that will at least warrant the expectation that they will float. Vell-informed Subordinate, Yes, my Lord. to the Blunderer, Pigstye, and Corkscrew ? Well-informe Subordinate. They have, my Lord. Exalte Aerey Official. And they can now be counted on not to capsize in tolerably smooth water ? Well-informed Subordinate. They can, my Lord. Exalted Admiralty Official. And the Blue-bottle, Catapult, Oxus, Jam-pot, and Thunder-bolt, though their boilers want replacing, are not likely to blow up within a month’s mancuvring ? Well-informed Subordinate, I think they may, my Lord. Exalted Admiralty Official. And so, saying nothing about guns that won’t stand firing, vessels, some of which are not quite sea- worthy, and others of which the speed is not remarkable, you think we can make a flourish on paper that shall induce the nation to believe that, after all, it has got something to show for its money ” Well-informed Subordinate. Indeed, I do, my Lord. Exalted Admiralty Official. Come that is satisfactory. And how about the men? Have you whipped in the Reserve, hunted up the Coastguard, and supplemented the deficiency of stokers by the enlist ment of the local bathing-machine men Well-informed Subordinate. We have, my Lord. Exalted Admiralty Official. And the stores? You are sure that the several Departments have provided respectively supplies of marling-spikes and tinned rabbits, hammocks, rum, sardines, gun- powder, tarpaulins, coals, Patent Medicines, mixed biscuits, and other necessaries in sufficient quantity to enable the Fleet to put to sea for three days without replenishing ? here grt a Subordinate. I am nearly sure, my Lord. Exalted Admiralty Official. And you think that, after this secret three months’ preparation, if mobilisation were to be, so to speak, ‘ sprung upon”’ you officially at a supposed twenty-four hours’ notice, you would wt sa red to mobilise | ' Well-informed Subordinate. Well, my Lord, I think we should almost. Exalted Admiralty Official. And you are of opinion that the country would be immediately impressed with the idea that the whole thing had not been a pre-arranged job, and regarding the charges brought against the working and organisation of the Departments as un- founded, consider that to be ready at a moment’s notice was your normal condition ? el -daformee Subordinate. Indeed I hope it would my Lord. Exalted Admiralty Official. Well, then, I think i will try the confound your accusers. Mr, Parnell, Those who would believe that I wrote ‘‘ make it hot | for old Forster,” or that Pat Eean wrote as he is represented to have done, would believe anything. _ Mr. Puneh, Just so; and the majority of Englishmen “ from | information received’ at the trials of the American Irish Dyna- | miters and Phenix Park murderers, will continue to regard you and | the ‘‘eonstitutional leaders,” be they “‘ mealy-mouthed ” ‘or not, | suspiciously, until you yourself take up the gauntlet the Times has | ing a civil action for libel, or Pa Publishers in the Dock of the When the Times first attacked me, long ago thrown down, and b Proprietor, Editor, Printers, an Old Bailey. Mr. Parnell, See here now! experiment. } te [Does so, and ordering ‘‘ Mobilisation at twenty-four hours’ notice,” staggers the public mind and produces immense effect. Ap Davipiem Piusxerom.—If Cyclists are to be allowed in the Parks, why not throw open a way of escape from them to the sor Equestrians through Kensington Gardens’ When are there to io some new rides in Hyde Park besides this squirrel-in-a-cage- round-and-rounder called Rotten Row? Never was a Rottener Row. The long-suffering riders ery aloud to the Honourable Aidile, much as our Wriisoy Barrett used to exclaim whenever he got a chance, ‘* How long! How long!” Wheelbarrow, Phlegethon, and Rattlesnake | Exalted Admiralty Official, And new bottoms have been put on

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| | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 14, 1888. OUR IMBECILES. t, Esq. ‘‘ AH—YAAS—NICE PLACE VIENNA !—AND WHAT I LIKE TY THERE 18 THAT IT 'S 80 THOROUGHLY EXCLUSIVE, DON'’TCHERNO !” Solomon Snips ABOUT SOCTII DIES.” And that for cricket a morass *“"* | Is not so good as simple grass ; | What man will want to play at tennis, When every lawn just like a fen is, Or care to screw his polo stud “VENIT ‘SUMMER’ Vrrer. Old Song. ScMMER is come, though who can say We've had a glimpse of a Summer’s| By gallopping all day through mud ? day ? No creatures e’en in fur or feather Where are the charms whi_h Nature Can stand such execrable weather, boon While as for those from foreign parts So freely gives to an English June ? You ’re nearly breaking all their hearts. When each enamelled meadow lies The lion roars with might and main Emblazoned in a thousand dyes, As he thinks of the drought of his native And every dainty flower that’s there | plain, And the virtues of flannel are highly Pays fragrant tribute to the air, While, high above, the leafy trees taxed, Bend to the whispers of the breeze, For the throat of the big giraffe’s And every bird, with swelling throat, | relaxed ; Fills Heaven with his grateful note, The elephant too has a bad catarrh, And all created things confess And he blows his nose like a loud petar; The spell of so much loveliness ; The wolf, to be eased of rheumatic pain, Oh, where are all these joys so rare? / Flies for relief to his proper bane ; And his aching bones confess the might Of panacean aconite. And Echo hoarsely answers, Where ? For she, poor Nymph, like all the rest, Has cotaine a cold upon her chest, Each bird sits dumb in his feathered Which throws the shade of disrepute suit, For too much liquid has made them mute. So pray be off, and let us try Upon her only attribute. Aquarius, be off, my man, With your confounded watering-can ; Without a rap of rhyme or reason, The effect of a sunny and warm July, Give Phebus a bit of a chance to blaze And have done with these dripping, -dropsied days, You're playing havoe with the Season, And spoiling everybody’s fun Or else the country will soon become, Aquarius, an Aquarium. * Summer is i-cumen in.” Because you 've quarrell’d with the Sun. Pray recollect that, when it pours, You stop all pleasure out of doors, THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. May 4.—Canrnrtire’s mother returned the Lorp Mayor's invitation, which was sent her to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass of port over it. I was too angry to say anything. May 5.—Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and two white ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying. May 6 (Sunday).—A very dull sermon, during which, I regret to say, { twice thought of the Mansion House reception to-morrow. May 7.—A big red letter day, viz., the Lonp Mayor’s reception. The whole house upset. I had to get dressed by El-oest six, as CARRIE wanted the room to herself. rs. James had come up from Sutton to help Carrie, so I could not help thinking it unreasonable that she could require the entire attention of Saran, the servant, as well. Saran kept running out of the house to fetch “* something for Missis,” and several times I had in my full evening dress to answer the back-door. The last time it was the greengrocer’s boy, who, not seeing it was me, for Saran had not lighted the gas, pushed into m hands two cabbages as half-a-dozen coal-blocks. indignantly threw them on the und, and felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to box the boy’s ears. He went away crying, and said he should sum- |} mons me, a thing I would not have pee for the world. | In the dark I stepped on a piece of t brought me down on the flags all of a heap. Fora | moment I was stunned, but when I recovered I crawled | upstairs into the drawing-room, and on looking into the | chimney-glass discovered tiat my chin was bleeding, my shirt smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trowser torn at the knee. However, Mrs. James brought me |down another shirt, which I changed in the drawing- }room. I put a piece of court-plaister on my chin, and |SaRan very neatly sewed up the tear at the knee. At |nine o'clock Carrie swept into the room, looking like a Queen. Never have I seen her look so lovely and quite distinguished. She was wearing a satin dress of sk blue—my favourite colour—and a piece of lace, whic Mrs. James lent her, round the shoulders to give a finish. I thought perhaps the dress was a little too Tee behind, land decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it was @ la mode. Mrs. JAMES was most kind, and lent | Carrre a fan of ivory with red feathers, the value of | which, she said, was priceless, as the feathers belonged to the Kachu Eagle—a bird now extinct. I preferred the little white fan which Carrre bought for three-and-six | at SHOoLBRED’s, but both ladies sat on me at once. | We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which | was rather fortunate, for I had an opportunity of speakin to his Lordship, who graciously contnteeal to talk wit me some minutes; but I must say I was disappointed to find he did not even know Mr. Perxvuprp, our Principal. I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House b one who did not know the Lorp Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, and I shall never forget the grand sight. My humble pen can never describe it. I was a little annoyed with Carre, who kept saying, ‘‘ Isn’t it a pity we don’t know anybody?” Once she quite lost her head. I saw some one who looked like Francuine, from Peckham, and was moving towards him, when she seized me by the coat-tails, and said, quite loudly, ‘‘ Don’t leave me,” which caused an elderly gentieman, in a court suit, and a chain round him, and two ladies, to burst out laughing. There was an immense crowd in the supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid supper—any amount of champagne—CarrIe made a most hearty supper, for which ge pleased, for I sometimes think - is not strong. There was scarcely a dish she did not taste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat much. Receiving a sharp slap on the shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw FARMERSON, our ironmonger. He said, in the most familiar way, ‘‘ This is better than Brickfield Terrace, eh?” I simply looked at him, and said, Spy 4 **T never expected to see you here.” He said, with a loud, coarse laugh, ‘‘I like that rye why not me?” I replied, “Certainly.” I wish I could have thought of some- thing better to say. He said, ‘* Can I get your lad anything?” Canrnrre said, ‘‘ No, I thank you,” for whic I was pleased. I said, by way of reproof to him, ‘‘ You never sent to-day to paint the bath, as I requested.” Farmerson said, ‘‘ Pardon me, Mr. Poorer, no shop when we’re in company, please.” e cabbage, which | | Cf ober bed Fe CPs

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Jury 14, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 6. Saas. Co — Fe Be) (imo (00 AD cs i VA | = i (Our Lika Joko visits the Law Courts, and beholds the dignified courtesies exchanged between the Lord Chief Justice and Mr. Punch, previous to the examination of Toby, M.P. for Barkshire, as Witness in the farcical-tragical case of O’ Donnell vy. The Times.) relating to Ulster Canal. Seems it’s among the Ulster Customs to ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. — a Canal. That’s all ninty-nine Members out of a hundred | EXTRACTED FROM know of question, though everybody ready to divide on it if a , necessary. THE DIARY OF TOBY, MP. ‘* Dam the Canal!” said SransrELp. House 1f Commons, Monday Night, July 2.—Jemuy Lowruen | Everybody shocked to hear such expression, particularly from back to-night after too long absence. Everyone glad to see him. | such a source. SransreLp hastily explains no ‘‘n” in the word. No “pulling” or “ ing” or “in-and-out running” about | Merely a harmless engineering feat s . JEMMY. Always. runs straight. Takes any hurdle that comes in| After talking for hour and half sw discovered that there’s his way, “‘includin, the Temperance Vote,” says Witrrip Lawson. | no serious diversity of opinion. Accordingly passed Third Reading $ as young and ingenuous asever. Still mere beardless boy, as| nem. con., and Jemmy brought up in triumph to receive benediction he was when Duzy put him A govern Ireland. F on | of SPEAKER. Coaraing to House that Home Rule not yet established. High| Coming suddenly on Joacnr™ sitting in very centre of Tory camp _ Court of Parliament discussing for hour and half Private Bill! Jemmy’s self-possession momentarily deserted him. Had heard

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ee RR os asl reer v 24 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

something t change, but not quite prepared, after sitting oppositeto Joacurm through two long Parliaments, to find him in this position scum held out hand, which Jewmy took in bewildered manner, and passed between table and Treasury Bench in apparently dazed condition. Didn’t notice any of his former colleagues. But allowance made for temporary loss of presence of mind. No malice borne. Anravr Batrovr in high spirits. ‘‘Jemmy just returned in time,” he says; “‘the very man to fill the new office of Parlia- mentary Under-Seeretary to the Chief Secretary to the Lorp Lrev- TENANT. Shall get the Bill right through, and insert the jemmy.” Solicitor-General, interposing as amicus curia, volunteered informa- tion that ‘‘ that would be flat burglary.” ‘Softly, softly!” cried Old Morality. ‘‘ What does the Copy- | hook say—‘ Gently does It.’ 1 intend to make Jemmy First Minister of Agriculture.” “That's your affair,” said Wiurrtm Lawson. “ But, on behalf of Temperance Society, Jemmy is engaged for a series of Lectures on the Adenatnane of Temperance, in supplement to his pledges at Thanet.” Evidently plenty of work for New Member. Business done.—AxtTuvr BaLrocr announces new Irish Policy. Government resolve to drain the Liffey—or is it the Shannon? That done, Ireland will be at peace. House of Lords, Tuesday.—Lords nothing particular to do just | now. Happy thought occurred to Camperpown. Land League on trial in Queen’s Bench before Lord Chief Justice and Special Jury. Everybody talking about it. Great*excitement of the hour. Why not have sort of mock trial in Lords?’ In civil cases Lords ultimate Court of Appeal. Why not forestall course of events and try vase before it had left Court’ CamPpreRpowwn opened case for prosecution in rather dull speech. Well meant, but caleulated to throw damper over proceedings. Seemed for moment after CamPERDOWN sat down that he had extinguished debate. After pause SPENCER said a few words. This brought up the MacCuttum More. Things now fairly started. Delightful to watch the MacCuttum More strutting into the fray like a game cock. Figure erect, breast protruded, head thrown back, crest uplifted. :

‘“‘ Always think when I see Aroyti plunge into debate,” said Rosrwery, ‘it’s a pity Rules of House Porbid musical accompani- ment. Dook would speak twice as well if he were allowed, before commencing, to strut twice round the House whilst the piper played. | The MacCuttum More did pretty well without the bagpipes. Mention of GLapsrone’s name is a fair equivalent, and sight of Spencer or former colleagues quite enough to set him off. Banged them all right and left. Left them smiling, provokingly unharmed. GRANVILLE, taking matter seriously, protested against bringing on | debate at that particular time, increasing difficulties attendant on a | trial in Court of Justice. Markiss replied, and then it was discovered | that in order that nothing might be lacking to success of travesty, | Lord Chief Justice was in his place. Not quite so imposing in appear- ance as when he sits in wig and gown in Court of Queen’s Bench, whether fast asleep with one eye open on learned counsel delivering speech, or exceedingly wide awake during ex- amination of witnesses. Position less advantageous than that occupied in Queen’s Bench. Can't look down on Casrensows with smile of in- effable sweetness as he does when coming down severely in Court on Attorney-General or Henny JAMES. ‘* But quite enough, thank you, for me,” said CaMPERDOWN, as he shivered under the stern | glance, and the words spoken more in sorrow than in anger. “*T deeply regret that this debate has taken | place at the moment it has,” said L.C.J. Every- one waited breathlessly for next sentence. No/| one surprised if L. C. J., still fixing guilty | CAMPERDOWN with stony stare, had continued, ““and you to be taken to the place whence | you came, and there be hanged by the neck till | you are dead.” Recollecting himself just in time, L. C. J. omitted this little formula. Debate came to | hurried conclusion ; everybody got off safely. | Business done.—Local Government Bill in | 4 Committee in Commons. Every one asking where is CaMPBELL, Member for Fermanagh, | PaRNELL’s private secretary. Name been favourably mentioned in Queen’s Bench. .o is not Josera Griuts tells me he’s not very well, coming and ean’t come. Wednesday.—A strange weird sight to-day. Braptaven, at head | of Tory hosts, leading them to death or victory. Oaths Bill in Com- mittee. Braptaven, with approval of Soticrron-GENnERaL, moved | certain Amendment. Jonw enssr, TrevetyaN, ILLuNewortTu,

| usually fe ) | Lords on these State occasions, in- | creased by one.

[Jury 14, 1888. Jacop Brient, and Liberals generally, hotly opposed it. Division called. Brapiaven and Tories troop into one lobby, Liberals into other. A close run: but the Tories, under new Leader, won by Six. “* What do you think of that ?” I asked Wrirrip Lawson, being, to tell the truth, a little excited by general tumbling up of things. ‘It’s all right,” said Wrirrm, with nice air of, imperturbability. ** BrapLaven knows what he’s about. Old Morality going up to Lords. ‘ Baron Bookstall,’ doncha. Conservative Party will want new Leader. Embarrassing competition among ordinary candidates. Braptaven walks in. It’s their way. First they revile a man, then follow him. True, they never physically kicked Dizzy down- stairs, as they did Braptaven. But up to 1873 many’s the time they wished they could. Our stout friend knows what he’s about, you bet. ‘ Braptaven, Beer, and The Bible!’ not at all a bad ery.” Never can quite make out whether Lawson’s joking. Must think over this. Business done.—Braviaven, Leader of House pro tem., defeats Liberal Opposition. Thursday.—Black Rod up to his larks again. Never saw an elderly respectable-looking gentleman like this so fond of practical jokes. Always, about this time of the Session, lurking at doorway , waits till some Member is on his legs ; listens till he comes to point of his observation, then with drawn sword coerces doorkeeper to enter, and bawl at top of voice—‘‘ Black Rod!” Forthwith, ‘‘in defiance of Magna Charta, in despite of Bill of Rights, representative of the people must plump down into seat whilst the salaried hireling of haughty aris- tocracy prances up the floor.” That’s Picton’s way of putting it. Prcron a little pictorial, but not altogether inaccurate. Usually Black Rod waits to catch Minister on legs. The other day marched in whilst Old Morality on his feet. Later, shut up Sran- HOPE; to-day had satisfaction of choking off Sage of Queen Anne’s Gate. But Black Rod’s days of supremacy numbered. Sypney Bux- Ton takes him in hand. Means to see he comes in at proper time—say ten minutes after House has ad- journed. Sage also on the war-path. ‘He had me this afternoon, I admit,” he says. “But if, when Vote tor House of Lords is reached, I don’t move to reduce his salary by £500, my Christian name’s not LaBBy.” Little procession of two, which vow s SPEAKER to House of

Appisoy, Q.C., has carried useful Bill, clipping wings of harpy who Spectator in the House of Lords. hovers over Penny - readings, and i ’ { comes down for penalties for breach of copyright in songs. Musical Copyright Bill, in batch of Measures to receive Assent. **T must do the Spectator,” says Appison. So goes out in train of SPEAKER, | amid cheers from both sides. Business done.—Committee of Supply. == Friday.—Great Libel EccLesiasticaAL INTELLIGENCE. — When | Case came on on appeal the Archbishop of CANTERBURY gave a party |in Commons. Tones \ to the Pan-|says PaRwELL wrote Anglican Con-| certain letters. Par- ference, the | wet, replies ** You ’re guests of his | another.” re the Grace were! matter rests. prepared to| After this, House’ re- take Pot-luck.|sumed Committee on An English | Local Government Bill. Cook provided | Spent evening sitting the dinner. | diseussing whether we Everything! should ‘pay ourselves was fried or| wages or not. Onwhole stewed in a decided not; 135 vo Pan Anglican. | for wages; 192, drawin Pan-cakes were | themselves up to full of course on| height, declined to take the menu./a penny. There was a/| Voted with the ma- concert of Pan- | jority. Knew a single pipes after-|vote would not turn wards. Each Bishop had his own pan-acea| scale. Looks well with for the grievances of the time. | constituency.

, * Enough on this head!”

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By the Author of “‘Lady Audley’s Secret,” “ Mohawks,” 4c. OPINION OF “PUNCH.” “ Everybody who cares about a novel with a good plot, so well worked out that the excitement is kept up through the volume and culminates with the last chapter of the story, must ‘ Like,’ and can never n ‘ Unlike,’ this the latest and certainly one of the best of Miss Baappon’s novels. iss Baappow is our most dramatic novelist. Her method is te interest at once with the very first line. A few touches present her characters living before the reader, and the ceory easily developes itself in, appa- rently, the most natural manner possible. ike and Unlike will make many ple late for dinner, and will keep a number of J ae eo: at night when they ought to > soundly sleeping. "These are two sure tests @ really well-told sensational novel, Vice Miss Baappvor ! "’—Punch, Oct. 16, 1887. London: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, & ©O.; and all Bookstalls, &. A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENGE, VERY AGREEABLE TO TAKE. 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Page 39

Jury 21, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARILI. 25 . eT ,, +. eh" CORBI, Cie Star THE COMMON CRICKET, OR THANKYSIR IRRITANS. VOCES POPULI. AT THE ITALIAN EXHIBITION, In THE ScuLprure GALLERY. A moup of British Visitors are dubiously inspecting an immense which a marble Mermaid (heroic size), is emerging from a gigantic shell, and toying absently with an octopus. First Visitor. Very peculiar, eh? (Consults Catalogue, and finds the work described as ‘‘ Decus ,Pelagi,” which does (not help him much.) Um—a fancy piece! LOndioaly loses interest in it, and moves on. Female V. (to her Mi . It looks like a drowned diver; but - woes is that long thing, like the end of an eel, sticking out of e shell ? Her Husband. That’s her tail—she’s a mermaid, you see. And an octopus has got hold of her arm, while she’s pinched in that shell. It’s very well done. F. V. Oh, very. But not at all a pleasant —_p4, is it ? Husband, Well—(considere, without being able to arrive at any opinion)—that depends on the view you take of it. F. V. (wavering). I suppose it does ; but still—( forgets what her objection is exactl , and becomes languid)—oh yes, no doubt. Jocular V. (to his Wefe). How d’ye think that would look in our back parlour, eh, Potty ? Polly. I wouldn’t have it, not if you was to give it me, I wouldn’t. bd they haven’t left no place to stand a clock and ornaments on. Mr. Highsniffe (who is endeavouring to form the taste of his fiancée, Miss Puyiuis Tyne). You don’t mean to tell me you /ike any of these things! Mass Phyllis. Well, I don’t pretend to be partial to statuary as a general rule; but I do like this. It’s all so natural, with the eyes nd and everything. Why, look at the beads in this girl’s neck- !—and I’m sure you can count every stitch in that jersey! And the boy trying to button his shirt; and the black girl who has just been vaccinated; and the littl girl caught oughtn’t to—they ’re as real as life ! (Mr. HicusNirre comforts himself by reflecting that one can’t have everything in this world. Iy THE PicTURE GALLERY. A Visitor (examining a representation of the ‘* Flight of the Pope oe IV.”). That’s the Porg, you see, standing up in the boat. econd V. Yes, I suppose so; but who’s that crouching down behind the shield, in the red bonnet ? First V. (who has not noticed this before). That! Ob, that’s his wife, I expect. In Room V. are some Colossal Canvasses, which produce an intimidating effect upon the spectators, who stand before them in gasping silence. something of the kind, going on, eh? (has a misgiving that this is rather a rash conclusion oor don’t know, though. — Oh, it’s a battle—it’s certainly a battle. What battle, I can’t say, unless it’s the battle of—(tries to recollect the name of ‘onumental Fireplace,” representing rocks, in the centre of ng a book she| da First Spectator ie evemring speech). Appears to be a battle, or | any ancient battle, but fails). Very likely the catalogue will tell us. Ah, of course, Imera—in Sicily, you know (he gives this piece of information as if he had not just found it in the Catalogue). First S. Imera—to be sure it is! Let me see, it was fought between the Sicilians and—and, wasn’t it the Romans ? Second 8S. lt was the Romans (thinks there may be somebody behind who knows, and es)—that is, if it wasn’t the Greeks. | rather fancy it was the Greeks. A Puzzled Person (reading Ci ue). ** See Heropotus’’—'um. His Wife. Is that Heroporvs on the grey horse ? (P. P. gives it up. Paterfamilias (to his son). Here, Bos, you’re fresh from College. What's ‘‘ Hie Optime Manebimus” ? Title of this picture over here. Bob (after a cautious reference to the Catalogue). Oh, it’s out of ena the Second Foundation of Rome, and CAMILLUS, and so on. Pater. I can read that for myself. What I want to know is, what the Latin means. Bob. Oh! (desperately) \‘ Manesruvs is the best man here ;’’ he was a popular character at that time—a de gue and all that. _ Pater. (suspiciously). I don’t see what that got to do with the life of CaMILivs.| Bob (‘* bluffing”), Camrtus—why Manesravs was his other name! Miss Phyllis (to her fiancé). Oh, come along; never mind these stupid Italian oil-colours. I’m sure they’re not worth looking at. r. Highsniffe. I’m glad to hear you say so. These—ah (with a slightly corrective emphasis), oil-paintings hardly deserve any serious study. Where would you like to go now? There are several things you say ought to see. Miss Phyllis. I’ve seen all J want—let’s [He yrelds with an inward shudder, a were less primitive. on the switchback. wishes that her tastes In tHe “ ALIMENTARY ANNEXE.” Mrs. Bryanston. How do you do, Mr. Lapstinc? I’m only just waiting to see these Mandolinist le come on—and then I shall go. Mr. Lapsling. Oh, really ? £7 tees they won’t be very long before they begin, then. (Jt dawns upon him, ten minutes later, that he might have made a happier remark. In tHe MARIONETTE THEATRE. The Puzzled Person (the First Part is beginning, and a bearded puppet in a turban has just made his appearance on the stage). | don’t exactly see what a fark is doing in Zhe Eruption of Vesuvius. (A female marionette comes onwith a jerky caution, kneels to the Turk clasps her hands passionately, and then beckons—the marionette wit the beard is evidently deeply moved.) Ah! she’s warning him to fly from the eruption. (Another female marionette enters, and kneels, after pointing upwards in wild terror.) I fancy there’s some mistake in the programme. It’s The Deluge they’re doing—not The Erup- | tion, after all. That’s Noan with the feaadl and they’re begging him to take them in the Ark. Yes, that’s it, of course. (Scene shifts to a cavern under the sea, witha fish swimming in mid air, without making any progress.) I thought so—it is The jf all (The bearded puppet enters, and, after one or two abortive efforts, succeeds in jumping inside ae Hullo! that can’t be Noan, though ! Why, of course, it’s Jonan—Jonan and the Whale. (Last change of scene to hall with columns and pillars ; procession of four janis- saries enters marching, with their feet in the air; a small dwarf follows, and begins to dance with great energy—re-appearance of bearded marionette with a staff, which he tosses up and catches like a drum-major, as the curtain falls.) Why, 1 thought he was inside the fish. Well, it doesn’t seem very connected, to me—but (with a bright idea) perhaps that was the Ballet Excelsior, Eh? no, that’s the Second Part, though. Ah, well, we shall find out by-and-by, | resay. Elderly Maiden Lady (during the ** pas seul” by the prima balle- rina in *' Excelsior’’). Well, my dear, I don’t know how you can hing so shameless in all my life— ugh, I’m sure—TJ never saw anythi it ought not to be allowed. Ovrswwe THE CoLosseum, arrex “THe Taiumru or Trrvs,” Mother (to small boy). Well, Freppy, did you like it ? Freddy. Yes, pretty well. Only I thought they ’d have had lions, and—and—real martyrs, you know. Larest Kwicurs.—Announced as the ‘‘ New Musical Knights.” | One of them, Sir Cuantes Hatrf, is rather an Old Musical Knight, | being seventy years of age, but—H’allez done !—he doesn’t look it or show it, when he appears at the ‘‘ Pops” as popular as ever. Sir Joun Sracver is a Newer Knight. ‘* The Kuieht is still young,” | being only forty-eight. He has plenty of time before him to prove himself a capable Sir-stainer of his well-deserved reputation. ith musical honours, Gentlemen, charge your musical glasses! VOL. XCV, D

Page 40

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

SS z! W/ yy, ne >> Com | J aN | LET HIM GET AWAY!” ul 5 a oc re) we | g 7) <

** BACK, THERE ! You 'RE A NICE TENDER-HEARTED SpoRTSMAN! Just LET A/z HAVE THE CHANCE AGAIN—J’LL FinisH HIM!” Ritchie the Piqueur (to eager hounds). E£x-Piqueur Harcourt. * "a wo oe a ee SS & ome me ee Ue ee le Oe os

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| Juuy 21, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 27 THE BABYLONIAN BOAR-HUNT. “The tenderness with which he beats the Pigs proves him to have been a Sus Beotia ; possibly Epicuri de grege Porcus : for, as the poet observes,— “© A fellow feeling makes us wond’rous kind.’ ” Sux vey in Introduction to Edipus Tyrannus ; or, Swellfoot the Tyrant,”’ The Modern Swellfoot (Sir W. H-2c-n1) loquitur :— TenpEeRNess !|—and to Pigs? Oh misplaced mercy ! I would not spare them thus,--quite—visy-versy | A fellow feeling? True, my moony SHELiEr! If against Boars you have a casus belli, War a outrance, I say, war to the knife! I, SwELLFooT, would not a sing’ life, Like ZEPHANIAH, the a ee d slay. This temporising is mere rrp Call this a Boar Hunt? Not this sort of fun The Attic heroes hatl in Calydon, ’Tis only fit for modern Babylon. Why, the old Boar escapes, and, what is bitter. Hunter won’t let the hounds slay all the litter, True, some are down, and some are maimed, but some Are hooking it. Such “ Sport” is all a hum. You a pig-sticker? No, egregious R——z, Your mental obfuscation must be pitchy, Beating the Boar-hounds down in that mad fashion ! by Jove, it almost puts me in a ion. e the complacent one “‘ of king y paunch,” As SHELLEY puts it. I should like to launch My javelin at the Corporation Boar. The brute should root and ravage then no more. “Give him a chance,” indeed? Such folly irks. You’d the Metropolitan Board of Works, If you’d your way, I’ve not the slightest doubt. : unter’s ame 5 = not be ~ but stout. Gae@s are meant for hewing, pigs for sticking, Boar-spears are e for sting, not pin-pricking. A polly het yon wee uD ™ sure ; A Tuesevs who would spare the Minotaur ! You petty Pureanax, your blows mere digs, Your pusillanimous —j Please the pigs!” Would I’d your chance! But that may come to pass ; Then the Big Boar shall get his coup de grace ! MINISTER ? Aw Inrt1at Draink Duruve SaRan’s SEASON AT THE Lyceum.—*' 8, and B.”’ MY Goop WoMAN, ‘* WEEL, IT JUST REET FOR OUR AIN MINISTER TO RUN THE RISK!” STARTLING. ‘*I'M VERY GLAD TO HAVE BEEN OF ANY COMFORT TO YOUR POOR HusBAND, BUT WHAT MADE YOU SEND FOR Mz, INSTEAD OF YOUR OWN Sir, 1t’s 7ypaus MY poor HusBaNnpd’'s GOT, AND WE DINNA THINK FABER MINOR PUNCHIO SUO, RB.S.V.P. Care PuncHIOLE, . At socii paullé caninius scribunt; nostra scholA altiora molimur : = res magistro gaudio est; nobis non molesta; nulla autem est 8pis de me. Habui unam tonantem alaudam hoc dimidio. Avunculus meus, qui domi, issione wegra, ab extremis Indis amdudum commoratur, nuper hue venit, et me equitatum excepit. uum immanem, colore graium, caupo malignus mihi obtulit. Non potui tamen plumam m albam. Cor in ore, ossa trementia, vultus maxima tranquillitate, non dicere audacia. Equus meus erat ut muri Babylonis, ducenos pedes altus—vel manus, si manus Ehentine audis is 99 ~ ore ceu messorum re Bene, pags mmarum instar. Subito apparet presepe, res ad unguem pro saltu. Animal meum usque ad punctum collaborare conor. Frustra. Hue illue saltitat. Ast ego non graiis servitum motibus ibam. Persua- soribus introductis quadru appono, dum nequicquam avunculus a tergo clamat, veritus ut o um superemus. In- credibili celeritate volitamus. (Stat sonipes.) Egoquidem non maneo. Sublimi ferio sidera vertice. Tunctribus aut quatuor gyra- tionibus aériis effectis, oppono auri csespiti vivo. etiam vivo ; sed primum vero me exanimem cogitavi. Carpo meipsum et apprehendo bestiam brutam, qui quantulum nefandulum stultum de se fecisset ignorare constanter simulabat. Aquam fortem, ad avun- ~ omens Preient taberna imbibi. Bie um, nullo pejor, ped us ut cicala illa marina, cui nomen “‘ puer arenosus” a majoribus nostris fuit tributum. Tuus fideliter, . Faser Minor, (vulgé ‘‘ Syrrz.’’) P.S.—Cum Ioyrsvs minoribus nuper dimicavi (si quidem Ions sunt plurales —non scio, neque curo, nec scire fas est omnia). lowes isti juvenes non pulchré pigearwrent, namque insani leonis vim stomacho apposuere nostro. Haud mora; caput optimé chari- by vabar, (és érbs efrew; Charivari, Ist dep. = Punch) donee spongium vomsit. Obliviscor perfectum de ‘‘ vomo,” nee scire fas est omnia ut supra dixi, sed donec eris felix quid opus est verbis? Amorem meum | Tonto tuo, CIVIC ELOQUENCE. Ir all Masters of City Livery Companies were like Sir ANDREW Lusk, how readily should we all flock to their splendid Banquets. Having the other day to perform the somewhat difficult task of step- ing down from the exalted position of Master of the Worshipful Jompany of Fishmongers, in the very middle of the Banquet, he took his leave in the following memorable words :— ‘Twelve months since I appeared in this noble Hall with all my blushing honours thick upon me. But this day comes a frost, a killing frost, and withers all my blossoms. I must therefore say, Farewell, a long farewell, to all my greatness, and be satisfied hence- forth to retire to the country, and propose toasts and make speeches at cricket clubs and harvest homes, and people will say of me as they did of Scorr’s old Minstrel— “ «He tunes, to please a peasant’s ear, The harp that kings were wont to **In conclusion, let me say— “* Charge, Fishmongers, charge! On, Wardens, on Are the last words of Marmion !’” hear !’ Hasprrations.—Rowert read out the titles of the harticles in the Henglish Hillustrated Maggyzine for this month, *‘ The Mediation of Ralph ’Ardelot,”’ ‘“‘ Pagodas, Haurioles, and Humbrellas,”’ ‘* William ’Utton,” ‘‘ A ’Ampshire ’Amlet,” ‘* Hin Hexile,” and “* Het Caetera.” Tue Crovps anp tHe ConrerENce.—What weather for Lawn Meets at Lambeth! Last week, the Pan-Anglicans who attempted to disport themselves at garden-parties, without umbrellas or mackin- toshes, must have returned home quite Dripping-Pan- Anglicans, A Sieur for gods and men at the South Kensington Silver Charity Bazaar, during three wretched days last week,—Good Women ' struggling with Féte.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Jory 21, 1888. BUSY WITH BISMARCK. Accornptne to an eveni was found playing a ba Crown Prince an good time to make the Heir A German Emperor, putting his surprise anc enhanced interest. Prince Bismarck, a few days afterwards, was paper, Funes —=;~ the an day, -organ in the Imperial Nursery, while the his brothers aay my music, ‘ s parent ce to your pipe,” sai e ead into the and “ie emotion at the stra: exciting little aneedote Mr. Punc “You begin in looking with scene.” To this exceedingly begs to add another of even in the It runs as foliows :— walking orchard of the Palace, where he had gone Ps a cabbage with which to make an apple-pie. He met a great Family, and was immediately invited to pla wder should run out of the heels The Emperor at this moment passing the orchard, smiled sadly and observed, “‘My dear Prince, who will yO 8, the rest of the Roy: catch-who-catch-can until the gun of his boots. mper * Viltno sip ad This is indeed a —' 8 y ISMARCK imprudently married the daughter of the Barber, and from that moment to this took for his motto the far-famed German li bear dancing with afterward nce n line— SARAH LA TOSCA. Bor for the existence of such a being as Saran BERNHARDT, such an author as Sarpov would not have written La Tosca. ‘‘ Written”’ M. Pierre Berton as the Baron Scarpia Le Nez-apolitain. is searcely the word: to be strictly accurate, I would rather say, “pi .”’ The piece is in five Acts, of which two are superfluous, though not from a French dramatist’s point of view, who, by occupying the 8 or an entire evening, pockets the whole percentage, undiminished by any fee for a lever du rideau. Sensible SaRDOv. If Saran had not been sorecent- ly seen as Théodora, the scene of a Tosca might have been laid, with greater propriety accord- ing to our plain English notions, —and according to strict French notions, for the matter of that, —in ~~ Rome, or in Egypt of the Pharaohs; and then the scene in the side-chapel between La Tosca and her lover, while pooner ing its cynical truthfulness as depicting one phase of depraved 1uman nature, would have been less objectionable to a professedly Christian audience. whatever she once possessed of religion has given place to the most debased superstition. Her religious sentiment is akin to that of the brigand who murders and robs a tra- veller, and then drops a stolen coin into a box at some church door, under the vague impression that he has ap- peased a ghost which other- wise, like the revengeful spectre of Hamlet's father might have made himse very troublesome. Given such a character to purr, to fondle, to caress, to murmur gutturally, ‘‘ Mario ! mon adoré!” (dear me, how often have A heard . mon adoré” from the same lips !) to be fondled and caressed in turn, then to fly out in uncontrollable, jealous pas- sion, and at once be soothed and petted and stroked the right way; then to be gay and eareless; then to be distracted, shrieking, frantic, toils; then to be the cold determin La Tosca is a purring’sensualist, in whom Sarah La Dame Blanche sees a black beetle on the dinner-table. ightened, raging like a wild cat caught in the murderess, shrieking curses in the ears of the dying scoundrel she has stabbed ; then horrorstruck by her own deed, to “* wake the then rushing back to release ” with a private religious rite ; > and, finding herself at last duped and deceived, to utter one last despairing cry and commit | suicide,—given such a character, I say, and call her be any name you please, classical, medieval, or modern, then the Lage ok » ness in such scenes being a must stop away from La knife on Baron Scarpia’s ix. th play it is Sanam Berwnanpr. At least, I can think of no othe nor do I want to. Ths “situation” in the Chapel, and the ‘‘ waking the corpse,” are not more repugnant to our sensitive- FP. represented on the stage TP ; than are the prayers of . Louis the Eleventh to his aah \\\ leaden statues, and his bar- 5 the ostentatious piet AR S two unh rafffans Ny = Diavolo. ose who are “SS squeamish on such matters y oki Tosca, action it is, on {7 yj = the whole, not more terrible , if ¥ than Théodora, except the TP Wars —- situation where she sees the it !' Saman’s La Tosca is a yy \ * AY) ‘i Ui/js ae table, and the hap é Yh) VA thought occurs to her stick Bas d YY, ; it into him.” Certainly \ y AW marvellous performance. . Beyond Saran’s own part yw —and it is her own, for in Last Scene of Sarah-Sardou-Richardson’s this instance her individu- Show. La Tosca precipitates herself from the ality ‘‘ created” it—SaRpou battlements into the Tiber. “ Roma Tibur hei a mere sewing- amem |” meatins to stitch the pieces together for her to appear in,—there is nobody in whom anyone can »ssibly be interested. M. Dumeyy is, efter Saran, the best of the fot as the amateur painter, Mario Cararadossi, w altar-piece would be a disgrace to any church ; but M. Prerre Berton as the Baron Scarpia with his exaggerated old-fashioned stagey action, in strong contrast to the naturalness of Saran, and his mou elocu- tion, is to my mind simply ridiculous. I have never seen him look better, or play worse. SARAH is going to appear as Frangillon on the 23rd. Cannot say I fancy her in the part oF the heroine, which Mlle. Barret played to perfection. But at all events we may look for an original view of the character, and the play, in spite of much that is tedious in the dialogue, is a good one, with several strongly marked characters. En attendant, Saran, in La Tosca, must prove a t attraction, and could fill the house for a far longer time than M. MaYEn’s season, which ends Saturday, July 28th. ow much pleasanter it is that a | French company should come over here and play in one of our com- fortable theatres, than that we should have to go to them and sit for hours in one of theirs. By all means let those, who have neither time nor inclination to encounter the inconvenience of forei wavelling, encourage M. Mayer and his French Seasons in Tada. e synopsis is briefly thus:—AcrI. La ToseaTender. Acril. La ‘osca Tiddy-fol-lolling. Act III. La Tosca Towzied. Acr IV. La Tosca Terrible. Act V. La Tosca Wild. Jon ry rue Box. “BY YOUR RIGHT—CLOTHES!” Tue Commanper-ry-Curer having ordered that brown kid gloves shall, for the future, be worn by Officers on parade, the following further regulations are hourly expected :— On rainy days, Field-Officers will provide themselves with umbrellas. = threatening weather, the Band will’ be expected to wear goloshes. Fancy tweed trousers, of any pattern selected by the wearer, may be assumed at any parade where undress uniform is de rigueur. During the hot weather, battalions may sit down on camp-stools by comaetian, and plunge their feet into cold water by sections. Finally, the entire Army shall appear on parade in uniform, except when it pleases any or every of them to turn up in mufts. A Tarrirmve Correction.—Several Correspondents write to know “why the title of No. 8 of ‘Mr. Punch’s Parallels,’ last week, was ‘The Bicentenary of the Armada,’ when, as everybody &c., &c.”” Here is the explanation, as we drop easily into poetry :— The fact is it escaped our eagle eye, We overlooked rae we caned ‘Bi.’ Substitute “ter,” and there you are. After all, what matters a century or so more or less in the World’s history ?—Eb.

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Jury 21, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ROBERT ON HARRYSTOCRATICK TRADESMEN. Praps, if ever an Hed Waiter was hutterly estonished, and, indeed to say flabbergasted, it was on receiving a letter sum little time ago with a most butiful red seal of a Markis’s Coronet, as I was told,it was, kindly hinformin me that the Most Honourabel the is of LoyDONDERRY, havin removed his Wharf to 9 Elms Lane, his Lordship asked me to be kind enuff to send him a horder for some coals! which his Lordship said shood be delivered at my house with- out no extry charge, witch I calls rae <p libberallity ! His Lacie also . — me ape ey pe soon but did all his bizziness hisself, excep, I spose i » ip is in Dubbling. Being posserbly jest a leetle short of money jest en, his Lordship told me as his terms was “‘ Cash on Delivery.” His Lord- ship finished up his hinteresting communecashun by hinforming me that his Lordship’s price for his Lordship’s ‘ best Londoulielty Wallsend” was 24s, a ton. : Well, having herd as how as so many of our principle Nobillerty and their wives was a going into bizziness for theirselves, I ort not to have bin quite so ey as I were, but as I had bin told as his Lordship was allowed a Sallary of about five hundred pound a week for running over to Dubbling now and then, and pertending to be King of Ireland, jest for fun, I really at first thort it must be a joke. Howsumever, I thort as there coudn’t be no harm in ing, so I sent his Lordship a horder for a hole Tun, and sure enuff his Lordship sent them the werry nex day, and, to show as there wasn’t no mistake in the matter, not only did his Lordship call me Esquire on the Coal ticket, but there was printed on it, in large black letters, ‘* The Most Honourable the Marquis of Lonponpgrry, Seller!” There ’s one grate adwantage in dealing with sitch iminent swells. A ‘‘ Most Honourable Markis” would scarcely send me any slates in my coles, and wood see as they was all Propperly skreened, and with pate of nubbly ones among ’em, and all full wait. I ain’t got no ault to find with ’em on the hole, but they rayther partakes of the April Fool carackter, that is to say, they rye lots of atention, as sitch harrystocrattick Coles naterally wood do, and if they don’t git it, they fust sulks for a short time, and then quickly extinguishes theirselves, and there you are. I thort at one time of writing to the Most Honnerable Cole Seller and ae this matter to his Xcellency, but I didn’t quite no his Dubbling adress, so I refraned from trubbling him, besides His Lord- ship must have plenty to do to see to all the seweral Races he has to attend to, and to mind as there ain’t no “‘ pulling.” Being rayther particklar myself about spelling, I was summut surprized to see as the Most Honerable Markis’s Carman spelt his receet, ‘‘ Pade,” but I spose as it stands all the same. I shall suttenly continue to patronize the Most Honerable Markiss when I wants sum more Coles, as it seems sumhow to put us more on a pa with one another then we was afore ; which is suttenly me to me. LOBERT,

NOBLE LIFERS. Lorp Sarispury’s Life Peerage Bill having been hung up for a year (in a with a measure of a like character, the Lunacy Laws Amenc iment Bill), there is now B ape | of time to consider possible applicants for eon: py o assist the Government in its selection, Mr. Punch subjoins a first list of Candidates, with their claims for advancement :— Name of Candidate. Sir Frepertck Lerentow, P.R.A, Sir Jouw Everett Miitals . . Reason for Life Peerage. ry desire of Public Opinion. an’t advance one without the other. Mr. WALTER BeaawT . « c- Because he has not been Knighted. Mr. Grorce Aveustus SALA . Senior to Mr. Besanr. To justify Public Rumour. Mr. J.L. Tooum. . . « « « Sir Martin Hottoway .. . |” eee, i A ae Mr. Jonny HottryesHeap . On account of his success as a Don. Sequence of former honours. To prevent jealousy. Title, ‘‘ Viscount N1aGarRa,”’ com- pliment to America. Compliment to Mr. J. Hotirnes- HEA D. By request of part author of Ben-my-Chree. To him out of the Commons, To help the Lord Chief Justice. To assist Mr. Justice Nortn. To prompt Mr. Justice GRANTHAM. Mr. Henry Irvine .... ; Mr. Grinnert FarquHaR .. . Mr. Wuson BARRETT. . . *e Sir Wrrrerm Lawson .. . Mr. Justice NorTtH. . . . . Mr. Justice GranTHAM. . . The Common Serjeant .. . essrs. Brown, JonEs, Se 6 eb And pray why not ?

Cuance or Name wirn Cuancr or Sxason.—The Dog-days of this year must be remembered as ‘‘ The Cat-and-Dog-days.”

OPERATIC SCORE. EVERYTHING going as usual, Good old Operas. Weather doesn’t affect the score here as it does at Lord’s. Good Houses every evening. Tuesday, July 10.—Il Trovatore. Madame Fitnscu-Mapi — Fursch come Fursch served—makes ; a magnificent Leonora. ‘‘ Doosid fine woman |” says the gay Colonel N-ss-w L-s, an authority on all operatic matters. ‘‘ Very,’ replies Lord R. R-tuscu-tp; ‘thought she was French,—Furscu- Mardi as,” and he at once quits the nas given dieaiegy, "Tess . gives ¢ , ** Tacea ) la notte placida,” and. Di tali amor.” Raves the Reliable quite up to the mark as the merry Man- rico, but scarcely up to Leonora’s figure. Brings down the house with ‘Ah si ben mio.” ‘Quite a Conservative song,” says Signor Cuapirno, thinking of the days of “Ben-Dizzy.” D’ ANDRADE encored in “‘ Ii balen.” Encore declined with thanks. At end of First Act A NAvVARRINI call ore curtain : v3 : for being Mio Fernando. Scawcut powerful: singing with great taste and fealing. “* I should like to give her a few lessons, though!” says the Com who continues to write under the name of Water Austin, ‘‘ Never too late to learn.” Somehow, audience’s enthusiasm cools down, and opera isn’t finishing so brilliantly as it commenced, Seeing this, and wishing to enliven matters a bit, one of Drurtotanus’s soldiers strays out of his line at the end of the Act, and then pretends to be utterly disconcerted at finding himself between the curtain and the footlights. Signor RANDEG@GER evidently afraid the soldier is going to sing a solo—un- rehearsed effect—DRvRIOLANUS momentarily paralysed under the impression that the military super is about to 88 audience on the wrongs of Ireland, or the Match Girls’ strike, only recovers himsel{ in time to rush round on to the stage, and find poor military super retreating from scene as fast as possible. Diversion created by incident, and opera goes twice as well after this, right up to end. DRURIOLANUS will reward this warrior. Promote him to a sergeantry in the supernumerary forces, and ‘‘ decorate him,” says Lord L-rn-» ‘* with an order.” Ah, Leonora, addio! Saturday.—Aida, ‘First and only time this season, ‘“‘ After Dorothy,” observes Mr. H. 8-pa-r to Drurionanus, ‘‘Aida’s my pet Opera.” ‘It’s my trum-pet Opera,” returns DrvrioLanvs, who never loses a chance, and immediately disappears. Drvunio- LANUS always brilliant when house peo | and everything going well. Recalls for Norprca and Scatcui end of Se, 2, Act Tr. and everybody back again before curtain after Second Act. Procession splendid, mise-en-scéne magnificent. Act III.—Novel effect of boat capsizing, and upsetting the mariner. Unaccountable accident, as the singing being so good, there was no likelihood of a squall. Wind in orchestra did it, perhaps. Last Saturday but one. Grand Finale of the season next Saturday, and testimonial to DrurioLanvs and Rave the Reliable.

Probable. German Doctors, in a frenzy, Hear the other side, say I. Liking not Sir M. MacKEnzIz, May not German Doctors lie— Gravest charges make. nder a mistake ?

Tue Sweatixc Sysrem.—Mr. Mappen, in evidence before this Committee, stated that ‘‘ Government trousers were completely made at eleven shillings per dozen.” Good gracious! Who wear them ? Members of the Government, of course. Not eleven shillingsworth of ‘‘ trouserings”’ on the Ministerial front bench !

Tne Camprtper Untow.—The Master of Trinity is going to make a Mrs. of Trinity. The clever young lady, Miss Aoata Ramsay, was “Senior Classic” of her year; and so was Dr. Burier, only rather more so by some years. Two “Senior Classics” marrying each other! How fortunate they are not two Senior Wranglers !

ScunsHixe ror THe Erow axp Harrow Matcu.—Most appro- priate, as every parent with a boy at Eton or Harrow was glad to see some little sun on this occasion. But ultimately Harrow took the shine out of Eton, and Saturday was dull indeed.

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ne - SA = egEpe se. > — Saf Fe > et eae 307 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Jury 21, 1888, APOE Dm Se ee ee ee STUDIES IN EVOLUTION.—-THE ARTIST. A . ) . ! a ti "a yr = T Shs - ph s t i | 7 ( ha’ ~. «~ 1 f “ ¥ “4 ‘ ole - & OLD STYLE. At Tue ‘Pic anp WHisTLE.” NEW STYLE. At Her Grace’s Garpen Parry. THE HISTORY OF A SIGNATURE. (From Our Life Peer Elect.) ERY DEAR Mr. Puncn,—No doubt the recent discussion about the signature of Mr. Par- NELL prompted you to apply tome. I will tell you as shortly as I can, my recollections. As a boy I used, when i my school companions, my nickname ‘*,Tonx.” I fancy this title was bestowed upon me with a view to calling attention to my nose, and referring to my name Tucker, ‘‘ Torx” was frequently altered into ‘* Konx,” ‘*Tunx,” and ‘ Syovr,” but I do not re- member ever using the latter signatures. After leaving school, I used to sign myself, when writing to the young lady who sub- sequently’ honoured me by becoming my wife, ‘‘ Toory,” but this was a term of endearment that I did not adopt when addressing strangers. T my marriage, at the request of my wife, I invariably si myself ‘“‘Joun Haztewoop Tucker,” and “Mr, and Mrs. ooD Tucker” appeared on our visiting- 8. Later on, when I was honoured with a knighthood for di i (and advertising) my patent Cedarwood Cough Mixture, I call myself Sir Joun Tucker, and my wife was satisfied with ** Lady Tucker.” She told me that she preferred it to “‘ Haztewoop Tucxrr,” which, as she observed, ‘‘ after all, was double-barrelled, and under the circumstances unnecessary.” At this time I occasionally si myself ‘‘Jack”’ when addressing my brother Tom, and ‘* Your Papa, J. H. T.,” when writing to my son eir, seven. The Sandalwood Cough Mixture having rendered me a Millionnaire, I have, on the promise of a Life Peerage (which will be bestowed upon me, I have reason to believe, in company with Sir Frepericx Lerexu- ron), arranged in the future merely to sign myself, Yours most truly, De TickErvILye. CONVERSATION-BOOK FOR OFFICIALS, Have you any guns for ships ? Certainly. I have twenty guns for ships. They were ordered five years ago, and were promised to be ready last January. Were they ready then ? ; No, they were not ready then; but they may be ready by next une. Are the ships built that are to take these guns ? The ships should be built that are to take these guns, as they were promised to be quite ready for sea last July twelvemonth. But are they ready for sea? No, they are not; but they may be in six months’ time. Should war be declared, would it not be inconvenient ? If war were declared, it would be most inconvenient. And were war so declared, what would you do? If war were so declared I think I should go on leave. On leave—where ? Anywhere—outside my native country. Then you have not much confidence in the Government ? On the contrary, I have every confidence in the Government, but should war be declared I think that would be the most appropriate time for self-effacement. “*Nationat Rose Socrery.”—‘‘ Happy Thought” by a certain energetic Operatic Ma t,—Why not start a ‘‘ National Carl Rosa Society” ? or (this by Colonel Henny Marteson, jun.) a ‘‘ National Marie Roze Society”? The question of the chances of establishin a National English Opera House (or ‘‘ Institute”’—why “‘ Institute” the very name suggests dreariness) being now under discussion, not for the first time, the above suggestions may be useful. Krve Mitan v. Queen Natatre.—Checkmate in several moves. Odd quarrel. King complains of Queen’s extravagancies in Milanery matters. To which Her Majesty replies that she is never dre expensively, though always Nattily.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jvuty 21, 1888, —_ = — = HP VALI Hh HMiint | } | HOLL Hii | hy } 1} i} Wit yal vy Huu ) | & “*PIAT? JUSTITIA!” Mr. Poxen (Amicus. Curiae). “WHY A SPECIAL COMMISSION, OR A SELECT COMMITTEE, GENTLEMEN * EITHER OF YOU COULD WAKE UP THE PUBLIC PROSECUTOR ;—IT IS ONLY A QUESTION OF ——‘ WHO’D SPEAK FIRST’ ?”

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ate icicles diioneditiG a alt ae eatin in cakes <a % “» é 4 | . “

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Jory 21, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 33 THE CHURCH HOUSE. Awone the numerous already suggested, the one that we are now enabled to place before the public seems likely to meet with the most favourable consideration. It shows, at all events, whatever be its shortcomings, a laudable attempt to supply a want, and to meet the essential difficulties which primd “acie present themselves. N.B.— Design quite original. Nobody connected with Metropoli- tan Board of Works need apply. ] AAA. Temporary Offices for ag- grieved Parishioners. 7 B. Church Association De ent. Carefully walled-up inside, and no com- munication, not even on business, with C. 8.P.G. Society, similarly protected. D. General Entrance, communicat- ing immediately with separate lifts up to the different departments. E. Extremel w Evangelical. F. Moderately Low. G. Country-Gentlemanly Clergyman Party. Fair-sized Flat. H. Broad Church. Large windows, with fine open views. I. Moderately High. The windows ad (—) become narrower at this elevation. - Ritualistic Storey. K. Ultra-Ditto. Expensively furnished. Pegs for vestments. LM. Attics for the use of the Rev. F.G. Lez and small party. Airy situation, quite in nudibus, N. Office of Mr. Hawers, with (N N) private staircase leading to (N N N) Concert-hall and Fowl-house. 0. Office of Rev. 8. Hzaptam, with (0 0) private staircase leading to fs Q) well-appointed Theatre and Music Hall, and an exit to Trafalgar quare, Grounds arranged for Lawn Tennis Tournaments (for Bishops only) ; model farms for Rural Sens summer-houses for Pastoral Plays, &c., &c. JULY JOTTINGS. (Extracted last week from the Journal o7 an al fresco Pleasure-seeker.) Monday.—Go down on invitation to the Brrxersvry’s place in aed ‘* to look at their roses and try their strawberries.” ining heavy y: Still start. BrmxkERBurRy meets me at station with dog-cart. Says ‘' he hardly thought I would come in such weather.” Five-mile drive. Pelting the whole way. Arrive drenched. Family depressed. “Try” the strawberries at funcheon. Find them colossal, watery, slug-eaten, and tasteless. BILKERBURY says it is the rain that has done it, and that if I had only “‘ come down last Tuesday week then he could have shown me something like a strawberry.” Ask about the roses, Says they are simply “mashed up” with the rain, and that there’s nothing left of them. Spend a dreary afternoon playing backgammon with Mrs. B. Sa think 1’ll walk back to the station. BILKERBURY nods and ’t press the dog-cart. Miss my way, and lose my train. Have to wait at the station three hours and a half, in my damp clothes, for the next. Afraid I have caught cold. Home at last. A Ma 4 gloomy day. Tuesday.—Off to Tippingford to play in the Home Eleven against the Roving Batterbridge Juveniles. Pelting cats and dogs. Ground easponge. Both boxed up in the tap-room of a small local public-house drinking hot whiskey-and-water. After waiting five hours and a half rain stops for a few moments, and the Captains determine to begin the match. We win the toss, and goin. Owing to the sloppy state of the wicket, we are all got out for eleven in five- and-twenty minutes. Cats and recommence. Further adjourn- ment, and whiskey-and-water drinking. Weather not clearing, other side decide to go out and have their ings, when it is discovered that both our lers and five of the field have left for Town. Oppo- in furious, and asks me whether I think I ‘‘ belong to an Eleven of Gentlemen.” Point to the weather. Rival Umpire asks What that’s got to do with it?” and offers to fight me. Decline, and beat a retreat, eventually getting up to Town, escaping notice in the corner of a third-class compartment. Arrive dripping. Feet in hot water. To bed miserable. Wednesday.—Giass stil! falling, and pelt continuous. Still, make my mind to start there, and find the young Sey they are sure it will be “very jolly” nd waterproots enough. Am forced to that for the FgatHerrtys’ Water Pic-nic at Cookham. people determined not to give it up. if we only take umbrellas start. Find myself rowing h with a driving rain that it is ‘‘ great fun.” After two hours of this, join other \boats under some dripping bushes, to have lunch. Everybody in an ill temper. Get a soaked sandwich, and call attention to it. Comic man asks me what else I expected at a ‘‘ Water Party.” No one laughs. Should like to duck him, Start to return, wind risen to a hurricane, rain coming down in a del Take an extra hour-and- a-half getting back. Hurry up to catch train without waiting to say good-bye to FearHerriy. Feel too savage to do it. Am all over aches and pains. Think, on the whole, it is the most disagreeable day I have ever spent in my life. Go to bed, wondering whether I shall be able to hobble through my part in the Open-air Pastoral Play which I am booked for to-morrow. Thursday.—No change in weather. Worse, if anything. Never- theless, start for Sir Harry Porrirer’s place in Kent, to take part in a Pastoral Drama, written specially for the occasion by himself, entitled the Apotheosis of Pan, or Sunshine in Arcady. I am to play Bacchus. Rain coming down in torrents. Find all the players protesting against giving the thing in ‘‘ such weather.” Sir Harry insists that we must, as Royalty is expected. Turn out, grumbling, and begin. Seeing that Venus has got on a waterproof, I put on an Ulster, and the Chorus of Wood Nymphs, taking the hint, execute a ‘* sylvan dance”’ in goloshes, wraps, and umbrellas. Sir Harry is hurt. Says he didn’t think we would mind “‘a little wet, just for once,” and that, of course, if we are going “*to play the fool in that sort of fashion,” we may.as well *‘ give up the whole thing.” After a hot altercation on the lawn, held in a roaring wind in the midst of blinding sleet and rain, Pen absolutely declining to appear, even in his ‘‘ Apotheosis,”’ unless enveloped in a coachman’s overcoat, a compromise is arrived at, and it is ultimately settled that we are to finish the Open-air Pastoral Drama as well as we can in the back drawing-room. Do this, It falls decidedly flat. Royalties leave before it is over. Sir Harry grumpy, and almost rude. Take my departure, vowing nothing ever again shall persuade me to go in for a Pastoral Drama. Arrive at my Chambers, feeling that, spite the Ulster, my seanty get-up as Bacchus has given me a severe chill. To bed, shivering, and wishing I hadn’t stood so long on the lawn in sandals, Friday.—Feel that the sandals have done it, and that I have cer- tainly got a chill. Head splitting. Aches all over. Glass hesi- tating. Think it really looks like clearing. Give three feeble cheers. Wonder whether I can manage to get down to the SprnkLepy’s Garden Party to-day, and put in an appearance at the Champion Bicycle Tournament to-morrow. Think I’ll see Doctor. Do so. Shakes his head and makes me telegraph to put them both off. Explain my symptoms. Tells me I may think myself lucky if I ‘get off without rheumatic fever. Says Monday set it up. Tuesday de- veloped it. The Water Pic-nic on Wednesday brought it to a head, and that Bacchus yesterday evidently finished me. Orders me wet towel to my head and gruel. Toss about in a troubled sleep dream- ing Iam pursued by a demon Clerk of the Weather, who is playing on me continually with a four-inch hose of a sixteen horse-power engine of the Metropolitan Fire Brigade. Saturday.—Glass gone up amazingly. Sunshine once more, No use. Comes too late. Stillin bed. Wet towel still round my head. = taking gruel. On the whole, an irritating ending to a beastly week, NOTES PICKED UP IN THE COURT OF THE L.C.J. 11°15 a.m.—Fairly punctual. Must not go to sleep until all my friends are settled. ; 11°30 p.w.—Think there is no more room onthe Bench. Have given orders I am not to be disturbed. 12 Noon.—Opening for the Plaintiff still going on. Wonder if Counsel will last until luncheon interval. Pleasant voice—does not disturb me at all. 1°30 p.m.—Force of habit! Woke up in time to suggest that the usual mid-day adjournment should take place. 2 p.M.—Find that address to the Jury is not concluded. Very well. 4p.mM.—Force of habit again! Woke up to the minute, Some witnesses I find have been examined. 4°30 p.m.—Adjourned Court. Shall be interested to find what I have been trying to-day. Sure to see it in the Times to-morrow ! The Summer of 1888. (Old Tune.) I remempeRr, I remember How this Summer fleeted by, With its warmth of a December, And its smiles of Janu-a-ry. A Morro which certain Architects of the Board of Works acted on :—‘‘One must draw the line somewhere.” And they did. And that line wasn’t a right line. x

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a ae chee 34 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 21, 1888. = WINTING H )FFIC \ . ‘ \ . \ “IN CASE OF ACCIDENTS.” Sub-Editor (to Nervous Subscriber). ‘‘I MAY OBSERVE, BY THE WAY, SIR, THAT ALL Svus- SCRIBERS TO OUR PAPER, THAT PAY IN ADVANCE, WILL BE ENTITLED TO A Fust-cLass OBITUARY Norict Gratis, Sir!” THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. May 8.—I woke up with a most terrible head-ache, I could scarcely see, and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a erick. I thought first of sending for a Doctor, but I did not think it necessary. When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownisn’s the Chemist, who gave mea draught. So bad at the office, had to get leave to come home. Went to another Chemist in the City, and I got a draught. Browwisn’s dose seems to have made me worse, Have eaten nothing all day. To make matters worse, CarRIE, every time I spoke to her, answered me sharply—that is, when she answered at all. In the evening I felt very much worse again, and said to her, *‘ I do believe I’ve been poisoned by the lobster mayonaise at the Mansion House last night.” She simply replied, without taking her eyes from her sewing, ** Champa ne never did with you.” I felt irritated, and said, ‘‘ What nonsense you talk; I only had a glass and a half, and you know as well as I do——” Before I could complete the sentenee, she bounced out of the room. I sat over an hour waiting for her to return, but as she did not, I determined I would go to bed. I discovered Cannre had gone | | to bed without even saying -night, leaving me to bar up the —_ oor, and feed the cat, I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning. | May 9.—Still a little shaky, with black specs. Carrie had commenced her break- fast when I entered the parlour. I helped myself to a cup of Se ectly calnly and quietly, ‘‘ Carrre, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last night.” She replied, ‘‘ Indeed! and I desire some- thing more than a little explanation of your conduct the night before.” I said, coolly, ** Really, I don’t understand you.” Carrie said, sneeringly, ‘‘ Probably not ; you were scarcely in a condition to understand any- thing.” I was astounded at this insinua- tion, and simply ejaculated ‘‘ Carotine!” She said, ‘* Don't theatrical. It has no effecton me. Reserve that tone for your new friend, Mister Fanmenson the ironmonger.” I was about to k, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have never seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said, ‘‘ Now I’m going to say something. After professing to snub Mr. FarmMersoy, you permit him to snub you in my presence, and then accept his invitation to take a glass of champagne with you, and you don’t limit yourself to one glass. You then offer this vulgar man, who made a bungle of repair- ing our scraper, a seat in our cab on the way home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress in getting in the cab, nor of tread- |ing on Mrs. James’s expensive fan, which rou knocked out of my hand, and for which he never even apologised; but you both smoked all the way home, without having the decency to ask m rmission. That is notall. At the end o journey, although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of the cab, you asked him in. For- tunately, he was sober enough to detect from my manner that his company was not desirable.” ‘ Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, make matters worse, Gowrne entered the room without knock- ing, with two hats on his head, and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with Carrie’s fur tippet (which he had taken off the downstairs hall-peg) round his neck, and announced himself in a loud, coarse voice ‘His Royal Highness the Lord Mayor.’ He marched twice round the room hke a buffoon, and, finding we took no notice, said, ‘* Hulloh! what’s up? Lovers quarrel, eh ?” There was a silence for 2 moment, so I said, quietly, ‘‘ My dear Gowrne, I’m not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking, especially when you enter the room without knocking—an act which I fail to see the fun of.” Gowtne said, ‘‘I’m ve sorry, but I called for my stick, which thought you would have sent round.” I handed him his stick, which I remembered I had painted black with the enamel paint, thinking to improve it. He looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression and said, ‘* Who did this ?” I said, “‘Eh? Did what?” He said, ‘‘ Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! It belonged to my poor uncle, and I value it more than anything I have in the world. I’ll know who did it.” I said, ‘‘I’m very sorry. I daresay it will come off. I did it for the best.” Gowrne said, ‘‘ Then all I can say is, it’s a confounded meaty, and I would add, you’re a bigger fool than you look, only that’s absolutely impossible.’’ **How to Prevent ALPIne AccrDENTS,” —Simple old remedy: Stay at home. oe oo >)? + eat TT Ho betwe said | on and

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Jury 21, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 7. ihair® ie Ral ame Vuk DIY a Nai tithe, “ty , oe iS Foxconn re = a id oe ‘>. / : A PARLIAMENTARY WIMBLEDON. I been passed for generations. Nobody a penny the worse; nobody a ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. halfpenny the better. Pleased the Commons ; didn’t hurt the Lords. This year Lords suddenly woke up to indignity of the whole thing. EXTRACTED FROM ‘ Barons of England swore on hilt of Crusader-forefather’s sword not THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. going to put up with this sort of thing. That doughty Baron, Hars- House of Lords, Monday, July 9.— table coolness 1 ae (Ce 1885), in particula set of Lard, Mond, Jey 9.—Roprtabe cones sprung up cht (i a), apart oad said to be on ons. Can scarcely be| ‘‘’Sdeath,” said rly Commons do assume too t terms. Talk at each other with elaborate much. By the bones of my forefathers, the white dust of which ons began it. Every Session | choked Satapiy’s host, this shall be seen to. A Hatspuny! A Comm day pass series of Sessional Orders. One prohibits Peers Harsscry!” terfering in Elections. This particular Order! That’s an excerpt from Lord CHanceLion’s private conversation on

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 21, 1888. subject. Rising from Woolsack to-night, and compelling respectful | attention of RowrTon, moved Resolution to effect that action of Com- | mons in the matter should be ignored. ** Let us,” he said, dropping into modern English, “ assume a don’t Eneo-seb air towards these fellows. That'll rile em more than anything else.” Suggestion — mye adopted. Noble Lords ad journed in condition of high elation. ‘A set of common persons,” said that other Plantagenet Peer, Brasounne. ‘‘ Teach ’em to mind their own business. Think we could get on very well without the Commons. Save time and expense. At any rate, won’t have them dic- tating to Us. A Peer not to interfere in a Par- liamentary Election, forsooth! Then what’s to become of Mz and my personal influence ?” Business done.— In Commons, persing away at Local Government Tuesday. — OLpd Moratity ap- at Table with bulky bundle of copybook headings. ire to do our duty; animated by one feeling ; nothing further from our thoughts; most anxious to meet views of House; no desire to affect legitimate discussion; profoundly regret ; a great property in whic the nation has a deep, a large, and a vested interest; would not use the power placed in our hands to interfere with the liberties of Hon. Members; I may be allowed to travel somewhat farther, and say ; certainly, Sir; always guided by a due sense of my responsibility ; desire to act in the interests of the public service; in this I do not wish to be understood; when I say this, I must also state; we should not be justified in allowing; I am afraid we should not think it right; and so on, leading up to final conclusion to appropriate all the time of the House for Government business. Sage of Queen Anne’s Gate jeeringly criticises proposals. Doctor Granpotrn, LL.D., much distressed at this frivolity. Severely birches Sage. Then turns upon Government, tears to shreds the amiable copybook headings, sprinkles Treasury Bench with frag- ments. ©OLpD Moratrry proposes to take Local Government Bill through Committee, pass all Supply, adjourn early in August, resume | for Autumn Session at the end of October. Dr. Gaasbecee demon- | strates practical impossibility of this arrangement. Shall be here | till September carrying out first part of programme. How could | House Me asked to meet again in October ? ‘‘Grawpotrn’s quite right,” said Bares, clasping his hands in | habitual devotional attitude. ‘‘ If programme’s carried out, shall certainly have an Autumn Session, but it’ll last straight through from now till November.” Bad quarter of an hour on Treasury Bench. Deliverance from unexpected quarter. GLADSTONE takes Government under paternal wing. “Keep your eye on your father,” he says, ‘‘ and your father will pull you through.’ So he does, insisting as price of deliverance that Life Peerages Bill shall be abandoned. Op Mo- RALITY gratefully gasps forth assent. Message sent across to Lords. en debating Life Peerages Bill all night. Just agreeing to | it a Second Time when Otp Moratrry’s note arrived. The Markiss boils over with rage; nothing for it but to drop Bill, which he does in magnificent passage of witheri seorn. Sends note to Orp Moratiry to say wo like to see him for few minutes. O. M. sends back word, very busy indeed. In fuct bee - urgent summons to otherend of town. Back d’reckly. Business done.—Autumn Session arranged for. Thursday.—Lords having it all their own way this week. Commons not init. To-night, all the world knows that The Macattum More is te move Vote of Confidence in Government with special reference to Lrish Administration. Ordi- nary attractions of speech by the Dook increased by natural curiosity is to issue. Will the Lords pass Resolution, or will Opposition, mus- tering in overwhelming force, defeat it? Quite exciting prospect. Nothing like little uncertainty to make debate draw. Walking towards House beheld three cloaked figures, cautiously proceeding along Corridor. Knew them at once, in spite of disguise | and shrinking gait. "Iwas GranviL.e, Spencer, and Rosesery, | helping each other along, mutually cheerful. * Attention!” | The Ven. and Rev “* I at least will die hard,” said the Red Earl, plucking a dagger from his boot. . . “‘Ha! ha!” said Rosepery, resolutely, though with slight tendency to chattering of teeth. “*We must dissemble,” said Granvitte. “‘ ArnGYLL’sa terrible man when blood of MacaLttum More boils.” A crowded House. Privy Councillors throng steps of Throne. M.P.’s packed in pens at Bar. Locx- woop seized opportunity to make sketches for his fortheoming portrait of ‘‘ Duke of ArcYLt as Bantam Cock, Crowing on his Own Dunghill.” Peers’ benches crowded. Bishops in lawn, Ladies in side Galleries, and in high feather. = Glad I didn’t carry out first intention to come in kilt,” said the Macattom More, modestly glancing at galleries whence fifty pair of bright eyes his manly form. Just as prelimi business cleared off, STRATHEDEN AND CaMPBELL blew their nose. In the distance sounded something like earliest effort at tuning bagpipe. Macattom More started like ancient war-horse at sound of trump. A great occasion. Rose to its full height and his own. Perhaps a little historical in his treatment of subject. Had avowedly come to praise the present Government. Lagged on the way to bang GLADSTONE on the head and scarify Spencer. Pretty to see the Red Earl, when opprobrium heaped upon him, stoop and furtively feel if the ger was still in his boot. For full hour by Westminster clock Macatium More enjoyed himself, Pre- sently would have pleasure of hearing é, ' the Markiss and others extol his ‘ Our Artist Q.C. whilst Opposition feebly struggled against flood of eloquence and force of argument. The debate would stand out in forefront of historic battles royal. London would ring with it in the morning, and the distant glades of Inverary faintly echo its grander passages. Everybody wound up to fever-heat by his elo- quence ; yearning to joininfray. Better not take wee much time. So at end of hour and quarter sat down. Gazed haughtily round attentive Senate. Who in the urgent race would win the prize of place and immediately follow him? The black-browed Markiss, the glucosic GRANVILLE, the Red Earl with his secreted weapon, or the ribald Rosrnery, capable of speaking disrespectfully of the Equator ? Did the other day actually allude to Dook as a ‘‘ portentous political pedagogue.”) A wondering silence fell over the crowded benches. A rustle of garments, a murmur of whispered conversation, some- thing like a titter rippling along Front Opposition Bench, and then —the Lord CuanceLLor on his feet putting the Question ! It ty ter =. The nom had ++ and concluded with = accord that there was nothing in the oration suggesting reply. Debate a monologue. Opposition broke forth into laughter, Ministerialists answered with angry cheer. As for the MacaLtom More he could not understand it. ** A low practical joke,” he said, glancing suspiciously at Rosr- peRY ; then with head thrown back, and chest more than ever pro- tuberant, he stalked forth. Business done.—Local Government Bill in Commons. Friday. —Gog and Magog had their noses pulled to-night: PICKERSGILL proposed to deprive ( orporation of ancient right to appoint to the offices of Reeorder and Common Serjeant. ATTORNEY- ENEKAL said ‘‘ No.” Much cheering from Gog and Magog. Then aes sup parted pee ames followed ; OLp ORALITY capitulated ; Gog an groaned. ene one.—Local Government Bill advancing by leaps and unds. THE PARK NEAR RICHMOND HILL. (An Old Story with a New Burthen.) Near Richmond Hill there stands| How foolish would the Public a Park, prove, Right fair at eve or morn; Which calls the Park its own, To claim it for the ‘‘ Menof Mark,” | To yield the verdant glade we love Moves most to rage or scorn. | o tents and butts alone! Though Volunteers earn patriot | Pothunters “‘ pot” at Aldershot, There show your marksman skill ; {of toil But oh! don’t il for thralls Our Park nber Rishnendl Hill! cheers, And Punch’s right goodwill, He must decline to thus resign The Park near Richmond Hill. 7 NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contrimutions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. To this rule exciten invigor His bre supply and is DOWALI

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| | | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jouty 21, 1888. IMPORTANT 10 ALL LEAVING HOME FOR A CHANGE. “ Among the most useful medicines that have been introduced within the last HEALTH-CGIVING. PLEASANT. COOLING. REFRESHING. & INVIGORATING, = on on eee A’) Leen alee . Lowaon century is ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT.’ There is no doubt that where it has been taken in the earliest stage of a disease, it has, in many instances, prevented what would otherwise have been a severe illness. ‘FRUIT SALT’ upon a disordered and feverish condition of the system is marvellous. As a nursery medicine the ‘FRUIT SALT’ is invaluable ; instead of children disliking it, they look upon it rather in the light of a luxury. As a gentle aperient and a corrective in cases of any sort of over - indulgence in eating or drinking, ENO’S ‘FRUIT restore freshness and vigour. The effect of ENO’S SALT’ is all that is needful to In cases of Nervous Headache and Debility it is especially useful, and should be taken in all cases where persons suffer from a sluggish condition of the Liver.”— Young Ladies’ Journal. ss © o D®4W Ine AN OVERDRAFT ON THE BANK OF LIFE.—Late hours, fagged, unnatural excitement, breathing Lsmpene ote too rich food, alcoholic drinks, 4o ENO’S “FRUI excitement, depre invigorating. ou cannot overstate its T SALT” is the best known remedy. MANY. SICK PEOPLE JLOORED UPON ME AS A PHYSICIAN. —For a long time we had bee Natives came with all manner of diseases. n in the centre of Africa without any medical man. One day we had a man that was said to be mad. In some of his fits he had wounded a neighbour with an arrow. Whether he was mad or not, he was evidently far from well, and I gave him a large dose of ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT.’ The poor fellow came baek next morning to tell us that he was better. His breath was no longer offensive, and he looked cheerful. supply of FRUIT SALT was done ; it was a favourite both with natives and the malarious coasts.’’—*‘ Africana,”’ by the Rev. Durr Maoc- and is much used alon. powatp, M.A., B.D., Vol. IL, p. 207. when our curopeans, We were 80 It removes foetid or poisonous matter—the groundwork of di ression, headaches, etc., and restores the nervous system to its proper condition, Use ENO’S “ FRUIT SALT.” great value in keeping the blood pure and free from dise by nataral means, a!lays nervous It is pleasant, g, refreshing, and E*?,: versus A FEVERISH CONDITION OF THE BLOOD.—HOT LL OVE ith R.—* One boy was very bad w could not get him well, so I determined to looked d in ‘the evenin better, an ’ I oy: h another IMPROVED VERY QUICKLY TO HIS GREAT JOY. wonderful medicine, came and said he was warm all over I saw he was all ri we I said ¢' Dwa sirf bunar’) Medicine is medicine as he was ill. only for those who are ill. Still he ask started my young friend off.”’—Extract from s Missionary’s May, 1888. er, &c., the other day, and | ENO’S. After one dose he certainly dose and dicted him. HE Another boy, hearing of this would [ give him some of that I said nothing will I give, and Leuer in North India, CAUTION.—LZcamine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO'S ‘‘ FRUIT SALT.” Without it, you have been imposed on by a@ worthless imitation. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS. Prepared only at Eno’s “Fruit Salt” Works, Pomeroy Street, New Cross Road, London, S.E. cou MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878, KINAHAN’S -ruzcumx TURE MID AND ff | Se paw AND WHISKY. MOST WHOLESOME, THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865, 2, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET, LONDON, W. QLD VINTAGE PORTS. 1, A, 08, OW, 8S. JOHNSON & SONS, WATH-ON-DEARNE, YORKS. Est. A.D. 1799. J. EXSHAW & 60'S) | FIN 4 = OLD BRANDY. in Cases as impor FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE COCOA “YT consider it a very rich delicious Cocos.”—W. H. B. STANLEY, M.D. NERVOUS DEPRESSION, UMBRELLAS. SAMUEL FOX & added to their celebrated frames decided improvements (protected by Letters Patent), which give increased Stability and greater CO., Limited, have T. W. dt & Co., 203, Regeat Serest, w. LUGGAGE, PASSENGER, é&c. Por HOTELS, MANSIONS, éc. [| FTS DINNER and INVALID LIFTS, CLARE, BUNNETT, £00., BUNNETT, &00., Lim., RATHBONE PLACE, W. FLO INDIAN CIGARS A of an pie ay ely choice flavour and delicate aroma, , 208., amd 18s per Box of 100, Post Free. Samples, 4 and 6 for ls. (14 stamps), BEWLAY & CO, 49, Strand, and 143, Cheapside. Agents for Great Britain) PETER F.HEERIN ‘ . 60LD MEDAL CHERRY BRANDY “4 to the Umbrella. SAMUEL FOX & CO., facture the Steel specially for all their Limited, manu- frames, and are thus able to provide exceptional quality at a merely nominal price over inferior makes. SAVAR’S CUBEB Box of 12, ls. ; %6, 2s. 6d. Full es 5 All Chemists. CIGARETTES. Soneseees’ . » Sandal Wood on peules, 4s. 6d. per Box. Cubebs, and Cannab.Ind. A! ways relieve, and frequently cure Asthma, Throat Cough, Bronchitis, Stramonium, Influenza. One tle insures a good night's rest. Debility, Kheumatism, Geut. Liver, Kidney Disorders, and every form of weakness may be speedily cured by wearing HARNESS’ ELECTROPATHIC Thousands of Testimonials. Advice free. Call TO-DAY, # write at once to Mr. C. B. HARNESS, sulting Electrician, Medical Battery Co. ° Pamphiet and C OXFORD &T., LONDON, ¥ w. CORNER OF RATHBONE 52 WEEDLES! NEEDLES! MILWARDS’ CALYX = EY EYED KRATZ ‘) ee Require no he ete ing, and are delightfe 4 os, eh s | bad Stendard Makes of (~ Ce Needles are Mitwanve’ Keowrseen Casus“ baer, Bess "Muwaape Peon Pacuet Cuvacu Buanp. mple Packets Free. WASHFORD MILLS. KEDDITCH ESTABLISHED 1825. NEAVE'S FOO! BEST AND CHEAPEST FOR INFANTS, IMVALIDS, AND THE AGED. THE BEAUTY OF THE SKIN ENHANCED BY POUDRE D'AMOUR (Prepared by Picaan Perars, Parfomeur: A Tollet Powder combining every deciderstun Hygienic and Cosmetic, for beautifying a» soften ing the Skin. It will te ec ually welcomed by al! for imparting a most natural fraicheur to the complexion Gentiemen wi!) find it most soothing and pleasant for use efter sheving In three tints; Blanche for fair skins, Naturelle for darker complexions, and Machel for use by ertifcial light Price 1s. ly Post, free from observation, \* 44 Depst; R. HOVENDEN & SONS, 31 avy 32, BERNERS STK KET, W And 91-065, CITY ROAD, B.C., “SANITAS” DISINFECTANTS. In all cases of Fever, &c., apply to THE SANITAS cO., lamé., Bethnal Green, London, ¥., HOW TO DISINFECT. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY of ras STOMACH, HEARTEU LN, DACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION BOND STREET, and all Chemists. 10s DON

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jouty 21, 1888. Pd SCHOOL OUTFITS. SUMMER OUTFITS FOR TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS.— Messrs. FAMUEL 7 ey eckas on CENTLEMEN. an ins vn of thetr Bhow Rooms Parents Guardians who ere desirous of Outfitting their Messrs. SAMUEL BROTHERS are dis- ; venile charges for any of the Public or ate playing a CHOICE ASSORTMENT of the NEW Colleges, Schools, &e. The requirements of Youths CASHMERE SUETINGS and OVERCOATINGS and Boys have wy! —_ ‘> the that are supplied either to order or ready for Closest attention of Messrs. Samus. immediate use. The quality, trimming, fit, and with the result that this moportant . their business has attained very large dimensions, finish of all garments is guaranteed, and a visit of # that every want in Suits, Overcoats, Hosiery, inspection is invited, Boota, &c., is fully met, and durable qualities The SUMMER STOCK comprises all the ensured. The Firm are the originators and sole LATEST NOVELTIES of Messrs. SAMUEL proprietors of o special material, styled the BROTHERS’ own manufacture — CASHMERE ey gn and ELASTIC TWILLED COATS, INVER- has been manafactared to withstand the hard ‘\ NESSES, COVERT COATS, ALPACA and wear given by Boys and Youths to their school and ZEPHYR COATS, SUITS of INDIGO-DYED every-day dress. Catalogue Post Free. SERGE, HOMESPUNS, VICUNAS, te. Yor GEIRTS, HATS, HOSIERY, BOOTS, OUTFITTING, a FLANNELS, Plain Colours, White, 8 “Loan Facwrusnor.” &c., see ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE, Checked in great variety, for Boating "C Trcket, Tennis, Vacation, and Tourist wear, &c. CYCLIN SAMUEL BROTHERS, een ne nme igen 65 & 67, LUDGATE HILL, LONDON, E. C. CATALOGU Post FREER. CAPS, ae, to. THE BURGLAR’S HORROR. THE PERFECTION CLARKE’S OF NIGHT LIGHTS, “FAIRY-PYRAMID” LAMP, With ONE PYRAMID LIGHT, TO BURN 9 HOURS, Complete in a Box for Sixpence. Tu1s Lamp 1s SoLD 1s BOXES ONLY, Sold in Boxes only, with one ‘‘ Pyramid” Light, for 6d. GLARKE’'S PATENT “PYRAMID” LIGHTS, Eightpence per Box of Eight Lights, Burn 9 hours each. A MARVEL OF CHEAPNESS, SAFETY, AND ECONOMY, SHOW ROOM: 3i, ELY PLACE, HOLBORN, E.C., where all the New Patterns in “ Fairy ’’ Lamps can be seen. Pattern Books of upwards of 200 beautiful designs sent by post, price 2s, 6d., or may be returned. CLARKE’S NEWLY- DESIGNED “PYRAMID” NURSERY LAMP FOOD WARMER. WITH NEW REGISTERED PANAKIN. CLARKE’S IMPROVED PANAKINS (REGISTERED) FOR USE WITH CLARKE’S “PYRAMID” NURSERY LAMP. By this invention any liquid food can be poured out, o drunk, without scum or grease passing through the spout, and prevents spilling when poured into a Feeding ttle, “ objectionable with all other Panakins, These Panakins will fit all the old “ Pyramid"’ Nursery Lamps, and can be purchased separately. N.B.—Ask for CLARKE’S PANAKIN, and see that his name and the registered number (Registered 91,241) is on the Panakin, and Trade Mark “ Pyramip.” CLARKE’S Patent “PYRAMID” NIGHT LIGHTS are the only Lights suitable for these Lamps, Sold Retail by all respectable dealers, and Wholesale by the Patentee, 8. CLARKE, “Pyramid” and “ Fairy” Light Works, Cricklewood, London, N.W. London Show Room—31, ELY PLACE, HOLBORN CIRCUS, EC. The “PYRAMID” FOOD WARMERS, by their nae construction—the glass chimney conducting and the bottom of the water vessel—a larger amount of Lieut and Heat is obtained than can be in any other p of the same class, Without Smoxz or SmE.u. The “PYRAMID” NIGHT LEGS have a — wick, are made much larger than any other N double the light ; gn a very —_— for caer ap nth, es, lobmes THE ONLY PERFECT NURSERY LAMP. Vhiounig¢(@¢auan ~ ) Directions for using the Patent ‘‘ Pyramid” Food Warmer and Night Lights.—The food which is required to t hot to be placed in the ad roy ps whakio, and water in the tin vessel—just sufficient to admit of the porcelain panakin being placed therein. Care dhould be taken in lighting ight Lights not to injure the top, which is a protection for the wiek, but simply apply a lighted match or taper, and allow the material to melt away. pad 1 holds Half-pint Food, besides water, 3s. 6d. ; No.2 holds Three-quarters Pint Food, besides water, 5s.; No.3 holds One Pint Food, besides water, ts. bea CC —_— Printeé Willem Stuart Amito t Bo Read, Holle’ , in the Parish of 8+. > { Middlesex, « Lombard Greet 7 in the Precinct of W hitetrase, in ths Glty of Lemden. ane Published by tla at Me ah Bios Sisect, in tee Farias of bt Bride, Clly of Lostca basenner, Tele’ M Wien.” PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. eee ie ele le ff — a -_ |) » ed

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LA 44th

— a Se Oo] CD ee > e WwW t >I w fa) wW I o 4 ive} 2 a Mr. Punch’ + Victorian Era mae

On Fuly 31st will be published the Complete Work in Three Royal Quarto Volumes, having in all 1000 Punch” Cartoons, with Frontispiece Portraits to each volume, Price 42/-. Vols, 1&2, 13/6¢a.; Vol. 3, 15/-. “‘A Pictorial Key to the History of the Queen's Reign.”—rast MALL GazerTe

> Pie . ih: Pies eH e It ( } BS iV

LINE Ne 1 ai in Wy Le J tel Viv PL ue “SON3d S3SYHL 308d VOLUME THE NINETY-FIPTH. —~»o— JULY 28, POURS ha vOl Yu SY Wn RETA: be SO on npyn> Ny co i i 7 < ei ea) X s

’ | os Ha DJ PUNCH OFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, nen ia nA) & * ; AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS."

Shilling | Books. ea Bill. | Robert.

SECOND SERIES. e\ CHARLES KEENE’S ILLUSTRATIONS. \ “ BY THE AUTHOR OF “VICE VERSA.” Abe camtite to ith, tates Milf Croun,

Page 54

> Fa Scat llama omabakenst- tate ee ae ee oa + a ee ee

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Juxr 28, 1888.

ROBERT ERNST BERLIN. W., PO TSDAMERSTR., 37 Prospectus gratis and post paid “OUR NEIGHBOURS.” PARTRIDGE & COOPER, STATIONERS, 192, LEET STREET. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, 63- Millions Stg,

FOR PROTECTION LNINLSIANI ?

EDINBURGH, 8 George 8t. (Head Office) LONDON, 68 King William Street, B.C. o 8 Pall Mall Bast, 6. Ww. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street. Branches & Agencies in lmdia & tha Colonies.

SWIFT'S SPECIFIC ie entirely « Vegette Preperation, containing no Mercury, Potash, Arsenic, or any poisonous sub stance, and cleanses the blood by _ out to tm purities through the pores of thd on { thousands of cases of Blood Diseases, ‘suis isenees and Mercurial P have been re- Meved by Swift's Specific Mre. Seance Powstr:, @, Russell Swest, Hyde Road, West Gorton, Manchester, writes “1 suffered for many years with cane on — | tongue, which came vear putting me in the I took Awitt s * Specific, and am now well—ean wale and talk as well as any one. I owe everything w 6.5.8. lam ready to anewer all questions.” 6.6.5.—Swift's Specific, sold by al! Chemists «: Patent Medicine Dealers. rice— Liquid, 4s, 64 — bottle; Dry, a. 64. pe ~~ — on rece: pt of above price. Send T Blood and Skin Diseases. Posted THE SWIFT SPECIFIC COMPANY, %, SNOW HILL, LONDON, E.C. TIDMAN'S SEA SALT. Patronised by the Royal Pamily. TIDMAN’ 8 SEA lysed and approwed by Dr. Hassall. TIDMAN'S SEA SALT. tiy recommended by Medical Men. TIDMAN' 8 SEA SALT. Has given Strength and Vigour to Millions. Beware Imitations Every Genuine Package bears Tidman's name and Trade Mark THE PERFECTION OF TOBACCO. BEAUTIFULLY COOL and SWEET.

GOLD LEAF SOLD EVERYWHERE. LSE PuaRLy VB@RTABLE. Per- arm-

% Botanicliediciucts, SWechularast We.

First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & POLSON in 1856. BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR Was in the field sometime before any other was anywhere heard of, and no other has now an equal claim to the public confidence.

OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL OnE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTEIS IN THE KINGDOM MARATES CLIFTONVILLE Sea. The . Table ah Be. liards, eats Tennis. Un entirely ReW direction. Telegrams —* Currrowvites. Manager, HENRY R. WILLATS. |

VAN HOUTEN’S PURE SOLUBLE COCOA BEST & GOES FARTHEST. “tt is admirable.’—BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL.

REDFERN, LADIES’ TAILOR, GOWNS COATS ULSTERS “ The most noted firm of Ladies’ Tailors in the World, and, be it said, the most original, Vide Pures. COWES, LONDON, EDINBURCH, PARIS, NEW YORK. THE SANITARY "EUCALYPTUS SOAP’ Purifies the Skin and WHITAKER & GROSSMITH, 2, SILK STREET, CITY, LONDON. ls. 6d. Box of 3, at Chemists and Grocers, or direct BEST BLACK INK Own. DRAPER'S $ INK INK (DICHROIC). Of all Guatieness.

LONDON DEPOT: HAYDEN & CO,, 10, Warwick Syuare, E.C. Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DRAPER, Lid., Dublin. FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. SQUIRE $ CHEMICAL FOOD. A PHOSPHATIC FOOD. In Bottles, 2s., 3. 64., and 6s. exch of Chemists, Or by Parcel Post free direct from SQUIRE & SONS, Hea Maseert's Cunmiers, 413, OXFORD STREET, LONDON.

MAPPIN & WEBB'S TABLE KNIVES.

SODEN MINERAL PASTILLES Universally acknowledged the best remedy for affections of the THROAT, CHEST, AND LUNGS. They are my recommended by our greatest Medical Authority, SIR MORELL MACKENZIE, whose testimonial is affixed to each box. Of all Chemists at ls. 1)4., or Post Free for 16 stamps, of SODEN MIN FERAL PRODUCE oo., 10, Drea’s Burtptxes, Hotzoax, Loxpon, B.C. CALLARD & BOWSER’S CELEBRATED BUTTER-SGOTCH. “REALLY WHOLESOME OONFECTIONERY.” Lancet. CHUBB’S SAFES WILL PREVENT JEWEL ROBBERIES Paice Liers sux? rasz, 128, QUEEN VICTORIA STREBT, E.C.; 6, ST. JAMES’S STREET, Pall Mall, London. 4 PLEASURE TO US2, Never Requires Grinding.

Mr. Hen. writes: “ face razors excellent.” Case, complete, Black FKROPP Bisons BEAL GERMAN BOLLOW-GROURD From all Dealers, or dines casts RAZOR. Frith 8t., Soho 8q., Lond. lav I

S. & H. HARRIS'S HAEBNESS COMPOSITION Wargarncor). SADDLE PASTE Waremrnoor)

eorex BLACKING Warzarancor). For Boots, Harness, and Black | eather Artic “« POLISHING PASTE. om Cusanine Merats sawp Grass. Sold by all Saddiers, Grocers, and Ironmongers. Manufactory: LONDON, B.

LOHSE’S (MAIGLOCKCHEN) LILY OF THE VALLEY PERFUME I is the most fashionable of the day, sold by all high class Terfurners. GUSTAV LOHSE, BERLIN.

: { BENZINE COLLAS—BENZINE GOLLAS & ene oorae-< LEANS DRESSES. | VES,—CLEANS DRESSES, creaxs GLovEs y,-CLEANS DRESSES BENZINE COLLAS—BENZINE COLLAS REMOVES TAR, Sin Paine, afttsn REMOVES TAR, OIL,—PAL } FROM FURNITURE, CLOTH | BENZIME OOLLAS—BENZINE COLLAS, gee Sowa COLLAS on the Label. the word COLLAS on the Cap. BENZINE COLLAS—BENZINE COLLAS. yey where, 64., ls., and le, 64, Epes Dette : fd. Ganeane sox, 489, Oxford St, W. C, BRANDAUER & CO.'S, CIRCULAR POINTED Write as smoothly 00» lead pencil, and neither G N Ko. AT, ‘an i= S| Cc acai

THE “PREMIER” RAZOR STROPPING MACHINE

E 4 ; | me | 3 Et ; £43] a ore F a me é ‘Tested in every way, on ‘ragors keen and razon blunt, the machine is tion. There is n° trouble, science, or skill involved in its use. You —— = = your razor in the holder, edge down- « handle slowly for a few seconds, and, Sohetd the’ the weapon is as keen—well, let us say, 68 razor should be.”—Exraact or Trermon tat. hester House, Old Broad

“FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” | CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. Is warrantec to cleanse the blood fens ingen, from wmaTtyss cause . For Serofula, Sour", Eczema, 8: ‘n and Blood D kinds, its are marvellous. it is the only real specific for Gout a2 and Rheumatic for it moves r~s a from the biood and oO Se. ane oe Lincola and Midland Counties BEWARE OF WORTHLESS IMITATIONS. BEST s SAFEST DENTIFRICE GOLD BY ALL CHEM AND PERFUMERS, IN ELECANT CRYSTAL TOILET CASKET price 2/6.

fry TH all | ALSO IM PATENT OCK WETALUC

Kin Dis Fus Gen

SQA ee 7 ‘ . and fina will and at § ena) tell boy a to

Page 55

| | Juty 28 1888. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. BOMBASTES FURIOSO A LA FRANCAISE. (Adapted from the Old English Burlesque.) DraMATis PeRson 2. Artaxominous (insulted and floored by General Bombastes) . The Royalist Party. King Mdme. La FRANCE. Distaffina (a Faithless Flirt). eae : . } . , Fushos (a Prime Minister, who is victorious over General Bombastes in a duel ) _ M. Froqver. ana GENERAL BouLANGER, General Bombastes ~ ae ii Py, Mi 7,9) Y jy) il f hy 4G; ty I} f] ; mma (il) | “At "2 a \it- ie ) 0S, *,” The situation represented is the finish of the combat between Preme Minister Fushos and General Bombastes, and it may be interesting to add that, in the original version, the finale ran thus :— Distaffina (distracted). Artaxominous (rising unexpectedly). I for joy shall cry, too! Fusbos (considerably astonished). Zounds! the King ’s alive! General Bombastes (suddenly sitting up). Yes! and so am I, too. But in the French version this order will not be exactly followed, as General Bombastes will sing the second line. Fusbhos, much astonished, will exclaim, ‘‘ Tiens/ il vit encore!” and the King will sing the last line. So far, the rehearsals have been eminently satisfactory. Briny tears I "ll shed. THE DIARY OF A. NOBODY. May 21.—The last week or ten days terribly dull. Cannre being away at Mrs. James's, at Sutton. Cummunes also away. Gowzye, I presume, is still offended with me for black- enamelling his stick without asking him. May 22.—Purchased a new stick mounted with silver which cost seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrre five shillings), and sent it round with nice note to Gow1ye. May 23.—Receiv note from Gowine. He says: ‘‘ Offended? Not a bit, m boy. I thought you were offended with me for losing my temper. Besides, I found, after all, it was not my poor old uncle’s stick you painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought at a tobacconist’s. However, I am much obliged to you for your handsome present all the same.” May 24.—Carrte back. Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well, except that the sun has caught her nose. 1 May 25.—CaRRIE brought down some of my shirts and advised me to take them to RILLIP’s round the corner. She said: “The fronts and cuffs are much frayed.” I said without a moment’s hesitation, ‘I’m ’frayed they are.” Lor! How we roared. I thought | we should never stop laughing. As I happened to be sitting next the driver going to town on the *bus, I told him my ae about the ‘‘ frayed” shirts. I thought he would have rolled off his seat. They laughed at the office a bit too over it. May 26.—Left the shirts to be repaired at Trittir’s. I said to him: “I’m ’fraid they are frayed!” He said without a smile, ‘‘ Theyre bound to do that, Sir.” Some people | seem to be quite destitute of a sense of humour. June 2.—The last week has been like old times. Carrie being back, and Gowrne and of ¢ wee Cours cal] ike a beck oP Twice we sat out in the garden quite late. This te we were like a pack ildren, and played ‘‘ Consequences.” It is a good gone, 6 une 3.—Consequences again this evening. Not quite so successful as last Saturday. OWING having several times over-stepped the limits of good taste. VoL xXcv, E June 4.—In the evening Carnre and | went round to Mr. and Mrs. Ccummrnae’ to spend a quiet evening with them. Gowrye | It was | Mr. STILipRoox. Mrs, CUMMINGS san was there, — but pleasant. ve or six — Maggie's Secret,” an ‘* Why don’t the Men propose ?”’ being best in my humble yy eye But what e me most was uet she sang with Casers —classical duet, too. I think it is called— | ** T would that my Love.” It was beautiful. If Carre had been in better voice, I don’t eased | think professionals could have sung it better. | After ae we made them sing it again. | I never liked Mr. StritpRoox since the walk that Sunday to the ‘‘Cow and Hedge,” but | I must say he sings comic songs well. His e don’t Want the Old Men now,”’ | son: . oe at us shriek with laughter, especially the verse referring to Mr. Grapstonr. But there was one verse I think he might have omitted, and I said so, but Gow1ne thought it was the best of the lot. ‘‘ Chacun da son gout,” as the French say. June 6. TRILLIP brought round the shirts, and to my disgust, his charge for repairing was more than I gave for them when new. I told him so, and he impertinently replied, ** Well, they are better now than when they were new.” I paid him, and said it was arobbery. He said, ‘‘ If you wanted your shirt-fronts made out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing and bookbinding, — didn’t you say so.’ une 7.—A dreadfulannoyance. Met Mr. FRancuinG, who lives at Peckham, and who isa t swell in his way. I ventured to ask him to come home to meat-tea, and take pot-luck. I did not think he would accept such a humble invitation, but he did, saying in a most friendly way he would rather “neck” with us than by himself. I said, ‘**'We had better get into’ this Blue bus.” He ‘replied, ‘‘ No blue-bussing for me. I have had enough of the blues lately. I lost a cool ‘ thou’ over the Copper Scare. Step in here.” We drove up in style home, aad I knocked three times at the front door without getting an answer. I saw Carnie through the panels of ground glass (with stars), rushing up-stairs. I told Mr. Fray- CHING to wait at the door while I went round to theside. There I saw the grocer’s boy actually picking off the paint on the door, which had formed into blisters. No time to reprove him, so went round and effected an entrance through the kitchen window. et in Mr. Francurne, and showed him into the drawing-room. | went up-stairs to Carniz, who was changing her dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Francuine to come home. She replied, ‘* How can you do such a thing; you know it’s yy coy: my | and there’s not a thin in the house, the co d mutton having turn with the hot weather.” Eventually Carnir, like a good creature as she is, sli down, washed up the tea- cups, and laid the cloth, and I gave FRANCHING our views of Japan to look at while I ran round to the butchers to get three chops. = SHAKSPEARIAN Morro ror THE Box- OFFICE AT A THEATRE OR AT A Lipna- ‘1 rian’s.—‘* So much for Booking ’em ! Pruviat.—‘‘ The phenomenal wetness of the Season is autie bonasing grave,” says an agricultural organ. Grave’ Yes, the “watery grave”—both of business and pleasure. Tae Crops and Current Literatvre.— Bad Weather for all the Cereals. |

Page 56

[Jury 28, 1888..’

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Fi — A y 7 = = = wf yy = = = f-— ——— TIS R—™R_R™¥K™|’sAG ALE, CA i | Py > } =>; PF ‘ P =? ( ‘ : \ a ,

— = ~ a. \ CZ ata " 4 Aaa ‘Lag ‘ VD A LAST CHANCE. London Artisan (to Expiring Metropolitan Board of Works). ‘‘Do Ont Goop Work Berore You Depart THIs Lire, AND, AT A STROKE OF THE PEN, SECURE THE BENEFITS OrFERED AT HaMpsTEAD TO THE LONDON TOILERS, THEIR WIVES, AND CHILDREN.”

a Witness-box.”

Harp Names.—What a very simple-minded Chairman Lord| Ara recent meeting the Archbishop of Cantersury observed that MAGHERAMORNE seems to be! Whata title it is! ‘Give a Dog a|he hoped the Church House would soon be launched. So it is to be ad name,” &e., &e.; but give a Hoee a name most difficult for the | a House-Boat, after all. In smooth water, let us hope, and in com- Saxon to pomsunes properly, and roast him when you catch him. | munication with the nearest bank. Perhaps the nearest thing to ‘‘a Pig in a poke” is ‘‘a Hoge in| ——

Tue Government WorxsHor—‘‘ The Smithy.”

Sn Ss ws He ss fs Fo [ha es

Page 57

| Jury 28, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

MAGHERAMORNE ! (A Plaintive Ditty, as sung recently, with more or less suc- cess, before a certain Royal Commission. ) | Ler me down gently. Treat me not unkindly, Because, poor victim, I have been deceived. | For what else could I do but trust them blindly ? Who would their simple ways have not believed ? I came down to the office almost daily ; Moved in their midst. Ah! how could I have guessed, Their souls, when om were meeting me so gaily, With thoughts of filthy lucre were possessed ! So treat not my confiding trust with scorn But pity me, poor, duped MacHERAMoRNE ! Promptly to Hess, whom Mr. Hare had shown up, I pointed out his wrong, quite moved to tears. But when they told me Gopparp’s game was thrown up, I frankly own I would not trust my ears! But here my /argesse, it is fair to mention, We paid to VuLtiaMy, my Board and I ; His salary, together with his msion, Because,—well, I can’t y tell you why! Still, meet me gently. Treat me not with scorn. Regard me as poor, weak MaAGHERAMORNE! Ah! if you can, once more just reinstate me Amid the splendours of my former power : And in your fancy once again translate me From out the clutch of this all-evil hour! Think what it is fot one who knows not jobbing To be associated with a craven crew, Accused of bribing, double-dealing, robbing, And in their shameless course involving you! Think what it is, and pity your forlorn, Dejected, duped and dazed MAGHERAMORNE !

Faber Major Punchio Suo. Care Puncut, Vester Correspondens, ‘‘ Faner Mrvor,” acutior esse debuit quam qui acutum accentum in vocem «ireiv imponeret. Qui ultimam ejus verbi non circumflectet, ipse trans patris genua circumflexus vapulare debet, onec accentus dolorosi exprimantur. Vester vere, Faser Mayor.

A PROUD AND HA Tue Tea AND Correr STALL.

aT J ~ . Sew PPY MOMENT IN ’ARRY’S LIFE. JuLy, 1888,

ROBERT AT THE AKIDDIMY. _ Wor orrible subjecs sum Painters chooses! Fancy having hung up | there ain’t no desepshun in one’s dining-room a picter of a poor old Lion a dying < and about a duzzen hungry Wultures jest a little wa a waiting impashent for the coming feast! And then th got all their 6 eyes ; r ere’s another horrid picter, as made me feel quite mellancolly to look at. — e Court, or you coudn’t have pain inside of a Theatre, and the B cony and the Galleries is all crowded | plezzure o

with ple, and about seven grewel-ep emales is all tied to postesses, and a lot of lions is waiting outside the iron door to come in and kill ’em all. What a nice subjeck for your Droring- Room ! Then No. 438 is a werry re- markabel tall Lady, who has had no time to dress herself, and is being compelled to ¢ a great jug full of water on her poor naked shoulders, and two of her yt slesiiee atired in nothing in partickler is a running after her to call her back. In anser to my hegar inquirys as to what It all ment, I was told as it was classicle, and ony skollards could understand it. And all I can say

is, that if all the howdacious ones “ No. 1055. Picture of Scare Crows. is classicle, let’em be put in a room by themselves, so that decent ho peeple may no what they has to x No. 630, ‘* The t. : ; Miserables!” Ah, that’s a fine picter, if you likes. Why, it gave me the miserables so badly, ony to look at the | pore Cab-horses a standing so pashently in the pouring rein, that I | Season. 1 ; ink! I y like to have that | em sum Ome trewths by yours respekfilly, picter, wunderfool clever as it is, a allus ha in my room ; it wood was compelled to have a drink shoodn’t mu: cost me a lot of money jest to keep up my sperrits. ’ No. 669. ‘Old and Crusted! es, there’s no dout about it.

look of the smiling Waiter, and the remarkabel carefool | way in which he carries that Bottle of Port tells me at a glance as there. And ain’t the 3 thirsty gents jest a it, and ain’t they all thorowly prepaird for ! r. Danpy Sap er, I warrent as you knows ort when you gets it, as well as any Alderman of the ted that glorious picter cf the There’s one thing quite certain, there won’t be a. of that ‘old and crusted” | left for the Waiter, pore Fellar ! This is a werry Picter of the sad results of a hole famerly lying on the Stares, altho their Ma ’em over and over again of the nateral consekwences. There’s than 3 on ’em amost dead, and no one carn’t wunder at it when they gazes at as warned stone stares. sum of the ushal old kes, such as Mr. Hunvt’s 3 horses i for buyers,” and a time they ’ll have ood think, for they all looks the werry picter of i has all their eyes shut, ry’re all on a bare common with not a sole near’em but the And then Mr. Grimsnaw, not to be outdone, calls a picter Winter Leaves,” and there ain’t not a singel leaf on all the many The Akaddimy is now shettin its dores, and there’s a hend of the nex ear I shall start as a Hart Cricket, and give BERT. Tue Untrep “ Services.”—The Brothers Rensnaw.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. [Jury 28, 1888. Ix this land of Berwarp- : Brere {stout ; | On m’a dit I’m getting In great réles I must appear, \ Present costumes must ** let ont.” come on. Abe “ Mi squeaky. I must take no bread nor butter— ** Butter’ I shall miss, alack ! When I cease to be ‘‘ too utter,” To the Francais I'll go back. his opinion in favour of the Plaintiff's view. That settles it. Defendant, with costs.” 9. Punishment on a Novel Plan. Galvanic Titillator.” LEGAL “ EXHIBITS.” Ow Thursday of last week there was what the newspapers call a ‘‘ Scientific At Home”’ at the Temple, when various electrical appliances were exhibited, and the haunt of the lawyers was illuminated from outside by electric lamps—but ought not the illumination to have come from within? The subjoined are a few of the articles which may have been on view :— 1. The Wig of the Future—warranted not to make one’s hair come off. In connection with The Patent Judge-Awakener, warranted to make one’s case 2. An Automatic Grand Jury—all ready ‘‘ charged,” by a Recorder or | Judge, with electric force | hours without renewing the supply. | 8. The Judge's Friend. |of electric eels, causin effectually stimulating the intellect and preventing sleep. | 4, Patented Arrangement—for suddenly converting the interior of a Court of Law into a first-class Restaurant, so as to obviate the necessity of the mid-day | adjournment. | beef for Mr. Baron Huppiestron’s Court. Hash for Counsel. 5. The Mechanical Juryman—with a label, ‘‘ Put a ton of forensic balder- dash into the (ju weight—of the evidence. 6. A Model Costs- Reducer. Solicitor’s charges and taxing them simultaneously. Has taxed the inventor's ingenuity for years. So far it has only failed to act on a single occasion. . New Way of “ Taking Silk””—by subjecting silk-worms to unpleasant electric vibrations. 8. The Phonograph, or Storage of Judgments. Lord Chancellor (twenty years hence). ‘‘ Usher, turn on my predecessor in Juggins v. Bellamy. and guaranteed to find true Bills for eight consecutive Being a robe formed exclusively of the dried skins the wearer a series of mild but continuous shocks, Cleverest Members of Junior Bar act as head waiters. Barons of box, and the figure will return a verdict according to the New method (been tried once) of drawing u Rather Perhaps Lord Hatssvry had a cold that morning. Still, there’s ; Judgment for **Fourteen Days, or six prods of the (Machine shown, and tried.) VOCES POPULI. AT THE ANGLO-DANISH EXHIBITION. The Grounds on a July afternoon. One heavy shower is A light fog. Military Band BCENE. just making way for another. conscientiously performing to rows of wooden chairs. Attendants hoisting strings of limp Chinese lanterns to , and baling rain-water out of coloured oil-lamps. Enter a Pleasure-Seeker who has been ordered by his Doctor to ‘*‘ divert his mind as much as possible.” He feels a little uncertain where to begin his diver- sion, as the saddles of the galloping horses in the am- Circus look too soaked to be inviting ; but, seeing a couple picking their way through the puddles towards the ‘‘ Danish Grotto of Mys- teries,”” he follows. Iy THE Grorro. A Gloomy Man in a Friar’s habit receives their threepences, and leads the way into the interior, which is entirely dark. The Lady of the couple giggles. Friar (in a on voice). Go straight on, and do not be afraid. (He stops before a sort of ticket-hole in the canvas rock, through which they dimly perceive an illuminated transparency depicting two insipid young persons on a garden seat.) Youth and Decay. he Gentleman. Where do you make out that Decay comes in, Guv’nor ? viar (with sombre triumph). Here! (Pulls string—figures on seat change to skeletons.) The Lady (unappalled). How funny! over again ° he Friar seems hurt and depressed by such a r , but com- plies. He then leads the Party to a Canvas Cavern, where, upon a board at the threshold being trodden upon, a rickety skeleton emerges. The Lady (still calm). Law! What are those two twinkling things ? Friar (suppressing his annoyance). They are the flaming eyes of the apparition. The Lady. I suppose that’s done with candles inside of its head ? [Friar declines to reveal this grim secret, and proceeds to another cave, where four more skeletons are grouped in a faint green light. He pulls a secret string, and two of the skeletons extend their arms with a grisly rattle. The Lady. That’s rather pretty, isn’t it ? The Gentleman. We've come to the right shop for skeletons, eh ? [They pass into the Stalactite Cavern, which contains an earthy smell, and a *‘ correct representation, as those of the party who have visited Elsinore will bear witness, of the Ghost Scene from Hamlet.” The Lady commends the moon, which she says ** looks quite watery.” They then inspect a paste- board seaman dying of starvation on an iceberg, and depart. Do you mind doing that | Our Pleasure-Seeker seeks to restore himself by taking afternoon tea at a damp table under a dripping tree, until driven by stress of weather into the Conservatory, where a ‘* Watteau Concert” w going on. Three Gentlemen in velvet Court suits and white wigs are singing a trio describing ‘‘ What a merry, m life we Gipsies lead !” with a laughing chorus. Concert concludes with a Vocal Polka” by three young Ladies, in costume, illustrating the joys of washing with real pails, linen, and soapsuds. Not greatly exhilarated, the P. 8. repairs to the Lake. Here a languid row of spectators are gazing from under umbrellas at a Professor in a tight suit of black, who is standing on his head at the bottom of a glass tank while his feet are waving above the surface. The Professor rights himself, and puts his aod above water to bow, and make a damp little speech. “I shall now show you—Eating under water!” Sits at bottom of tank and consumes a biscuit. Several Spectators - away, their curiosity satisfied. The P.8., after watching the Professor and his Pupil gambolling in the Lake like por. ses, begins to feel depression coming on again, and enters the Exhitition, hoping to gain some idea of the Commerce and Industry of Denmark. In THE EXHIBITION. The Scene is characterised by a profound calm. stalls rouse themselves from torpor as the attempt to attract his attention. First Exhibitor (hopelessly). Have you heard the new organ-top, Sir? [Spins it on a plate ; ut drones in a devotional chord, reminding the P. 8. of a Cathedral Scene on the stage. e wonderful new Exhibitors behind P. S. passes, and Second Ex. Excuse me, Sir, but have you seen invention for drawing corks ? Third Ex. (imploringly). Will you allow me to show you this patent seif-threading needle, Sir ? ‘ourth Ex. One moment, Sir. The advantage of using our patent pickle-fork is that you avoid spearing, pricking, stabbing, or wound- ing the pickle, Sir; you press it gently with the knob—thus! ( IUustrates this humanitarian device with a bottle full of small corks. P.-S. hurries on, like Ulysses passing the Strens. At one stall the Exhibitor is asleep, and a Fireman is tickling his ear with a pen. At another a good-looking Policeman is dallying. Stallkeeper (archly, to Policeman), Ah, you hayen’t your friend opposite to talk to to-day ! *oliceman. What friend? All my friends—(tenderly)—are this side of the way. Stallk. How innercent we are! You know who I meen. Your partickler friend—Ma‘~, if you must ’ave it. I’ve seen your goingson! ([Policem:. protests. Dialogue continued in undertone. A Stallkeeper (paying flying visit to another), Well, dear, and how have you been doing to-day Po Her Friend (viciously). Oh, don’t ask !—I could kick the people! “= 4 een be ree OO a.°o eae a ronal Sey ice

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Jury 28, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. >_—__—— === ——— (Two Old Ladies come up, and hover about stall undecidedly.) Those Ao Old ‘Ladies (e ‘thusiastically Wee: d how The ' tes (enthusi . Oh, very, retty—an much do you say? Is that all? . dear ! Well_-we must look in some other time. Good afternoon! [They shuffle off. Girl. Stingy old cats! — [Pleasure-Seeker finds his spirits flagging again, and enters the Theatre, thinking that the Tableaux Vivants from Hans ANDER- SEN may revive him, An Orator is on the -) describing the story from which the next tableau is taken. ¢ has a fine voice and an imposing presence, but would evidently prefer to describe wncidents of a less extr nt nature. Orator. TOMMALISE (lent B -y J the poor girl couldn’t help her name), or ‘‘ Little Tiny,” as (slight dash of the here) she is called in some English versions, was born in a—(this apologetically, with an obvious misgiving that he may not be believed)—a tulip flower, and had some (as ¢ h he w put tt more strongly ¥v he had his way)—hem—s i adventures. (Ina bland tone.) A Toad (glances at audience to see they take this) stole her as a wife for his son, and im: her on (here he examines his gloves, a rently hesitating whether to oe rther on his hearers’ credulity) the leaf of a water-lily—but the fishes (very softly, as if desiring it to be distinctly understood that he gives this statement for what it is worth) nibbled the stalk, and set her free. She lived with a Kind, Old, Field-Mouse ew ane condescendingly), who wanted to marry her toa Mole (pause, during which he seems considering the social objections to such an arrangement), but a swallow (here he grows doubtful again ; *‘ Will they stand the swallow ? ’’—decides to risk it) —a swallow she attended when it was ill bore her away (quickly—to disarm captious objections), when it recovered, to the land of the Flower Spirits (feels he is over the worst now, and proceeds with more confidence), and they welcomed her, and gave her—(he would clearly like to substitute some more ordinary and useful article here—but feels that he must stick to his instructions)—wings. [Tableau is disclosed: Charming children; Pretty music and grouping. Inevitable tendency to giggle and wobble towards the end. Exit Pleasure-Seeker, in shghtly improved spirits. Rain. Fog. East Wind. Thunder. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Wemyss Retw’s Life of W. E. Forster is a most Reidable bio- graphy, of special interest at the present moment. Here, from the commencement of the most dramatic portion of it,—that is, from‘ the day he became Irish Secre- tary until his resignation— the outsider is allowed more than a mere peep behind the scenes, during the perform- ance of the earlier acts of the Irish Home Rule Drama at St. Stephen’s. A fair- minded student, possessed of eats knowledge, will probably be struck by two things: first, the over- Shain g anxieties of the Irish Secretaryship; and, secondly, the li ht-hearted- ness with which some mem- bers of a Cabinet can bear the trials and troubles of STAGE i d WAee one of their own number. put down Forster and, pour me distraire, I ae a take up Percy FrrzceRaLp’s Chronicles af Bow Street. ‘*What’s Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba ?”"—I mean what’s Bow Street to Frrzeeratp, or Frrz- GERALD to Bow Street, that he should select this subject for his busy pen?’ He has, however, produced a chatty couple of volumes, full of interest to the student of human nature, who can see the humorous side wherever it exists, of the curious stories of knaves, fools, dupes, and deceivers, heartless criminals and astute detectives. The stories of Old Patch” and other rascals are entertaining in a cynical sort of way. But one of the best anecdotes is of an incident in the career of Apkins ‘‘the Little Ferret,” the pluckiest of detectives. Like most of my friend Frrz’s entertaining¥compilations,” the stories seem to have been strung loosely together trom time to time as he came across them at haphazard: and the form and style of the book suggest that friend Frrz treated it in a Gampish-cordial fashion —thst is, the MSS. was ‘‘ on the mankel-shelf, and the author put his w pen to it when he was so di The uence is that Chronicles yf Bow Street, instead of a work by ‘‘ Frrz,” is rather a work y ‘‘ Frrz and Starts.” Very en ining all the same, says ARON DE Boox-Worms. Crowds to hear Bofro’s M afele, ina Epilogue. (Didn’t count the but a scene as bright and lively as any in is as un-Wagnerish as he can be, but fele would have made combined ! over? Miss M‘Inryre, as Marg Marta,—a very willing martyr. Signor Enrico Irvryco every moment. A WEEK’S OPERATIC SCORE. Tuesday, July 17.—This week is last week. Odd jumble of time ; but so it is. This Tuesday is last Tuesday—of Opera Season. logue magnificent: carried on by only EpovaRD DE conductor and orchestra visible—chorus invisible. Epovarp is almost an Oratorio in himself. Enthusiastic applause at fall of curtain very gratifying to Signor MancrivELui, who has written an Oratorio, and has conducted the Pro story of Mefistofele identical with that of Faust. Odd not to hear all Gounop’s familiar airs in Bofro’s Opera. All the soldiers here, but not the March. How they can come on without it is a puzzle. And no Valentine! Only Waenen here, as a friend of Faust's, who hengrin. What an Opera Gounon’s never hear the last of it. If it began at eight, when would it be , charming. full of melody and movement. chance for Drvriotanvs in the Brocken Scene. Expecting Prologue, Five Acts, and an think there are eral. Pre- Kk, con amore. Then Gounop’s Faust, Staple of this is before he composed Faust and Botro’s Mefisto- ortal!—at least we should Mme. SCALcut, as ‘* Margaret's grim ghost glides in, and tells Faust of her **Brocken heart.’’ Audience moved to tears seeing Ravetii the Re- liable for the last time, but sub- sequently much consoled to find that, resisting all temptations and the allurements of Extxa Rosset. ) asthescrumpshus DB) Elena of Troy Weight (i.e., La Belle Heéléene, from OFrFrEN- BACH), he has the moral courage to “cling to his old black book,” to defy Epovarp pr Reszxké as the he dies, epee» Hise, as a singer should, while a shower of rose-leaves de- lawn od € tle, anc that foalty his Season in a Blaze of Triumph. up higher than even TamBeRik’s C sha on blow hard to stifle their emotion. po itan Board of Works with his evi Shooting season commences — sings—several hits—guns bring down t: skets keys (and notes)—off to bed—Ita inished. {Tus Eccentric Druriolanus Covent-Gardenius Operaticus finishes and everyone is ever that Ravetir the Reliable is a real good tenor who has gone rp. Saturday.—Blaze of triumph. Brilliant House ; but forced gaiety on part of Organising Committee, because of its being positively the Very Last Night of Season. Every note of Noxpica’s, Scarcut’s, Eta Russext’s, of the Great De Reszké Broruens, and, in fact, of everybody engaged in Les Huguenots, breathes ‘‘ Adieu!”” The Band hee the House Boat struggle manfully with their feelings, and anywhere. DrvrioLanvs triumphant after enlivening the dence, also after his victory, in ‘county Court, over big umbrella man, and radiant in consequence of long leading article in 7imes this morning, all about himself and Italian Opera. He alludes with mysterious significance to his plans for next Season. Covent-Gardenia Hatt cheerfully alludes to his Box-plans for next Season. Pamphlet containing record of ‘‘ busi- ness done” circulated about House. Critical portion of pamphlet signed ‘‘J.B.” “Joy B. is sly, Sir, devilish sly.” Jean pe Kuszxt jumps out of window, and Norpica swoons for last time this Season. bang —“ pif paff,”as Marcel bring down house—great sport—all recalled—National Anthem— DrvrioLanvs on—speech from throne—DrvrioLanvs congratulates everybody—everybody congratulates DruRIoLANUs—ezreunt omnes— lights out—ezeunt sentries—ditto linkmen—DrvugioLanvs locks up— scends upon him, more certain than ts, but not a 74 eye etro- rio—bring down curtain— lian Opera Season of 1884 is

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{2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON, Tia f. Zi we ol i Mth) AWN Hy ps 4 hi eg _ WINDOW STUDIES. A SCHOOL TREAT IN JULY, 1888 THE BRITISH VOLUNTEER. iN ; toan Old Tune, piped by Mr. Punch wed Boys of the N.R.A.) Some talk of going to Brighton, And some to Aldershot ; The target-potting CricnTon Must have some place to pot. For of all our national music that Whi h most delight to hear, Is the pop, pop, pop, pop, pop Of the » Britiek Vantec! I sons close on thirty They y ‘ve pop pped at W imbledon ; In weather bright or dirty, That music still rang on. But those well-known ranges will no more Resound—that ’s sadly clear— With the pop, pop, Peps pop, Pp, pop Of the British Volunteer Punch feels a pang of sadness He cannot well suppress. He hailed *‘ the Camp” with gladness, He welcomed its success ; And many e time his manly voice ad ‘here s yunded forth in cheer, ) *) pop, pop, pop 1D, DOD, pop Ot the Brith dak, tatty He saw young Ross made hero, Young Fv.row shouldered high. In weather down near zero, Beneath a flaming sky, His annual visit he has made ne watch the butts, and hear 1€ POP, Pop, pop, po ’ ’ bi the british ¢)) ~ im, Damply this year, but suave ly, He held the soddden field, And saw the Pats win bravel The Elcho Challenge Shield. Such shooting hath he never seen > this last wet yee *_, Of the pop, pop, pop, (at Wimbledon bf the ritish Volunteer To prejudice a stranger, Punch will not stop to judge The Rifles or ‘* The Ranger ;”’ But, boys, you'll have to budge. And Butt some suitable new range Will have to find or clear, For the pop, pop, PoP, pop, pop, pop Of the British Volunteer ! Eh ? Camp *neath Richmond’s shades, la: No, no '—that will not do! Can’t yield those rural glades, lads, Even, dear boys, to you. Those oaken clumps, those bracken-spreads, Were —— too dear To the pop, > po » POP, pop, pop Of the tick olunteer ! WANTAGE is wrong this time, lads, And Watrer Easr is right. A stroll neath elm or lime, lads, Is the tired man’s delight. Our choicest Cockney’ s HA ap me + \y t give up, that’s clear, ot Pp, po Op, = pop Of th } ey e ritish Volunteer ! You’ll twig, my lads, instanter ! Take Punch’s friendly tip. The ramble or the canter Tired toilers can’t let slip. C CHAR IV ARI. [Jury 28, 1888. » harm ? That’ s bosh and will not wash. so Ee RancER’s right, lads, here. The Park won’t stand the pop, pop Of the British Volunteer! ms find some fitting range, boys, For his crack- shots BuLL must, And since you ’re bound to change, boys, ’Tis to improve, I trust. Pot-hunters there, and popinjays, No more should raise the jeer Midst the pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop Of the British Volunteer ! Such soldiers had the Teuton, So willing—and so cheap, A range for them to shoot on Be sure he’d find—and keep. And we, your Grace, must place Ww he sre Buxt henceforth may hear The , ’ OE the’ British Volunteer | ‘‘Joun Leecn’s Sisters’ Fonp.”—The circumstances of the case have been fully set forth in the Times. Never was there a Physician so successful in his treatment of dull care and despondency as was our LEECH. Those who are indebted to him for mio bis | hearty laugh can pay off the score to his | Sisters. Mr. Punch will be happy to receive j and forward any subscriptions to ‘‘ our Mr. sight some Acyew,” who is on the J. L. 8S. F. Com- | saittes. In the name of the Sisters of The | Leech, we cry, ‘‘Give! Give!” and we are assured of a hearty response. Very Smact Beern—ConyBEaRe.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 28, 1888. ee ee NATIONAL RIFLE |Z | ASSOCIATION } ! t hhh Wy ml AN VAM AVE 4 NEAR THE MARK. Gey. Vor Mourer (lo H.R.H. “the Dook”). “ACH! VIMPLETON! RICHMONT! DONNERVETTER! PY CHORCH! IF I HAT A ZO VILLING ZOLTIER ALS DAT, ZOON HIM VOOT I VIZ A SCHOODING-CROUND PROVITE.’

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Jury 28, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 45 AN IMPORTANT PERSONAGE. Owe day last week ncouning to a report in the Times, ‘‘ Lord ERNE was agpointed Imperial rand Muster of the World.” For what reason has Lord Exne received this appalling dignity, which to describe in appropriate terms would reguire the genius of a Mruton ora Dante? It was conferred upon Erne at Carrickfergus, County Antrim, at an Orange . So the world, being round as an orange, is to be one huge Orenge Lodge, of which Lord Erne is henceforward ‘‘ Imperial Grand ter,” like Mefistofele in Botro’s ra. "PRy the way. what sort of an Exwx is this “Imperial Grand”? Is| hig he a Tea-Erne ora Funeral Erne? How has he Erne’d this dignity ? Is he, "Angry would like to know, any relation to ’Erne the ’Unter? And, in fact, on behalf of the vast majority of the World, of which we ny | has been appointed Grand aster, we ask, Who és RNE ? ADELPHI NAVAL AND MILITARY MANCEUVRES. Mr. Gronpy is fortunate in being associated with Mr. Perrirt— the pettitt child of melodramatic fortune—in the ‘‘ new and original” Drama (so new, and so original!) at the Adelphi, entitled The Union Jack. Except that the male dramatis persone are soldiers and sailors, and that out of eleven scenes, two are at Aldershot, and one on board a vessel bearing the happy combination-title “ H.M.S. Wel- lesley,” there is nothing extraordinarily nautical or military about the play. That the plot justifies its authors’ description of their work as “‘new and ori ” is soon made evident by the incident of the petty officer, Jack Medway, [What a capital name for a sailor! so appropriate, you know! None of your common hackneyed “‘ Bill arnacle,” or ** Tom Tug,” or ‘‘ Jack Mainbrace”’—oh, dear, uo!) striking his superior officer and being court-martialled ; and then the newness and originality of the story are further shown by the presence of a Wicked Baronet who is also ‘‘an Army Contractor” [Happy | touch this, brings ‘‘ Wicked Bart.” up to date], and by there being a good deal of hiding behind doors a curtains, and plenty of over- hearing and seeing what wasn’t intended to be overheard or seen, and everything happening just at the right moment, too, so as to clear the innocent and confo the guilty; and having so far proved the newness and ori ty of the plot to the entire satisfaction of the audience, will it be believed that the Wicked Bart. has actually com- mitted a forgery, and that the villain holds this in terrorem over his head, until first villain, unable to stand it any longer, stabs second villain, and then tries his best to get poor petty officer TERRISS found Se the crime? And then, so fresh and full of novel sur- prises is this play, would anyone who has ever seen a melodrama imagine that the unfortunate heroine is drugged by villains, escapes Nautical Situation. Terriss the Tar, the Swell of the Ocean, escapes with the Heroine in the Captain’s Gig. from them, and staggers about the country in a blinding storm of snow, until she faints by the waysideSand is rescued by her lover ? Isn’t all this “‘ new and original?” Rather! or at all events if it isn t now, it was—once upon atime. Such is The Union Jack. For # hero of this sort of melodrama, the Messrs. Gatti are fortunate in possessing a : ** Rara avis in Terriss.” But if bog authors oe ope writing for him mas speeches to he deli- every possible occasion, opportunely or inopportunely, of claptrap and theatrical sentiment as “new an o ‘iginal” as the jected into his carriage or cab, full | ticket. lay itself, this sturdy melodramatic actor will soon ran Mr. WiLson ARRETT very hard indeed, though the latter, at present, as far as reachifying goes can give Mr. Terniss half-a-dozen lengths and beat im easily. e truth is, that this melodramatic stereoty hero has become rather a bore, and I shall not be surprised if the honest patrons of Adelphi drama do not resent the next attempt, if it be ey repeated, at entertaining them with this school-boyish kind 0 y. r. Coarntes Cartwriocnt, as the scoundrelly Captain Morton, was thoroughly artistic. I doubt if even that unexceptionable stage- villain, Mr. Writarp, could have played it better. And this is the hest praise. The ladies were : especially Miss Otea Nermersore, in the one enuinely pathetic situation of the play. iss OxeA is not the “* leading lady,” but the misled lady, and at the end of the play when everybody is happy, no one cares twopence what becomes of her. ‘‘ Poor little Me!” She is quite out of it. Miss Ciara Jecxs is just the very Polly Pi “wt required by the new and origi ‘ Adelphos” Perrirr and Grounpy Bros.; and Miss Erezanor Burrow. as Mrs. Stone, one of the Wicked Bart,’s “‘ creatures,” suggests by her sardonic smile possibilities of such sensational crimes as might make over again the fortune of Miss Brappon, and inspire Mr. Farseon with a plot as cheerful as that of Uncle Silas. Of course, however successful the play may be, it can never *‘ go without a hitch” as long as there is a nautical character in it like Mr. Mr. Shine as British Suuve in a sailor’s costume. There is, how- Sailor, with Robert ever, one new and original myvtery about Macaire’s old qroaking the play, and that is—Why is it called ‘‘ The snuff - box. Nautica Union Jack?” The Union Jack is occa- effect: Little Cove and sionally alluded to in the dialogue, but the only Big Creek. time it is visible is when the comic sailor sticks up a small toy-flag over the window of the old toll-house on the highroad, and wittily remarks that the cottage thus decorated looks like a ship. Of course the play is successful ; of course it will “‘run”; but if no nautical piece can, as I have proved, ‘go without a hitch,” certainly a play called The Union Jack must be of ‘‘ flagging ” interest. Jack IN THE Box. THE MEETING OF THE EMPERORS. (Song of a Sensational Special.) Arn—“ The Meeting of the Waters.” THERE is not, for the quidnune, a city so sweet As &t. Petersburg now while the Emperors meet. One may wander o’er Europe anear and afar, Yet not find such a chance for a staggering ‘‘ par.”’ It is not that the Karser will give me a “‘ tip,” Or the Czar in my ear a state-secret ist site That either will whisper his wish or his wi Oh! no, there is something more promising still. As an oracle now for some days I may shine, A Browrrz—though but at a penny a line. I have only some awful war-rumour to start, To shock—somebody’s—nerves, or chill—somebody’s—heart ! Sweet stream of the Neva, beloved of the Russ, What canards I’ Il let fy from ro shores, with what fuss ! What odds if they’ re fudge? I shall feather my nest, And the gobemouches, though fluttered, will soon sink to rest. IMPROVEMENTS IN THEATRES.—In the new Theatre being built for Mr. Hang, the stall-chairs are on wheels. are ding out in the spacious hall, and on arriving at the front , the visitor's hat, coat, and stick, are immediately removed by a hidden machinery which wheels him into the exact situation he is intended to occupy. An electrie-bell at his side has to be sounded for refreshments, and another for a cab or carriage, as the case may be. When the vehicle has arrived at the front door, the visitor is noiselessly trundled out backwards, without disturbing the audience, the chair allowing him to see the performance until he ‘ vam- pire trap-doors” into the hall, when his hat, coat, gloves, umbrella stick, goloshes, &c., are _— 2 to a oes he ; ro is carried out under the portico, and with a pleasant force, is pro- j "a which the door will have Soe viously opened by a Commissionnaire in a " ere machines into which you put the requisite sum and obtain your There are many other novelties. It will be perfectly venti- lated,"as there will be plenty of Hane there.

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[Jury 28, 1888. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _CHARIVARL YAW ( jh, lise — « — ~~ = ae 7 4 a) —_ ~* Husband (just home from the City). ‘‘My Anort !—Cryine !—WHATEVER 's THE MATTER?” ‘*THey "VE—AWARDED ME—Prize Mepat "—({sobbing)—‘‘ ¥’ my Sponce CAKE!” Husband (sooth ingly ° Wife (hysterically). ” ‘‘Anp I'M QUITE SURE iT DESERV—— ‘*On—sUT—'T SAID—’TWAS—FOR THE Best SprcimEN—oO’ “How ve Fox of His Royal High- ness,” lis ved fit e Mary. | slaughter, or to use the land for “‘Anp so, my little ones,’ belonging to the London an stationary, and likel “Well, you must was all open country. THE END OF WIMBLEDON. (The Story of a Grandfather, to be told Fifty Years hence.) 9” r , as they to remain so for some time. ’ said the old man, pointing with his stick to a mass of factories, suburban villas, and public-houses, ‘‘ you want to know what sort of a place that was when I was a young man, many, many _— dren: £ “Yes, yes!” cried the chil the veteran on to the top of an electric “Ay, that it was! It was either to save up houses—I forget which. But, as you see, they have run up houses since.” ** And what was Wimbledon like in the days of the Volunteers ?” asked Ricuarp, “Well,” said the old man, — ‘*my memory is not so good as it used to be; but what I recollect most distinctly is a trophy connected with Hop Bitters. It was shown to the public in a large mar- quee, called the Exhibition Tent, from ten till dusk ; and I fancy, too, that beside this trophy, were boots, and dozens of champagne, and cigarettes, and soap adver- tisements, and walking-sticks, and all sorts of queer things.” ‘*Dear me, how funny!” giggied little Mary, ‘And what were they for?” ‘*To encourage the love of rifle-shooting, I imagine; but I am not quite sure. The people who presented them may have had some other object in view, but of that I know nothing. Then there were all manner of fancy tents, furnished in the oddest fashions ; and then there were Ladies loung- ing about, doing nothing in particular; and for a fortnight it was a regular pic-nic.” ** Was there any shooting ?” “To the best of my recollection there was. I fancy it used to be called J. hunting. I don’t think that many of the Volunteers used to shoot—I mean not the | real ones. I remember, distinctly, that | the strangest costumes used to be worn at the rangus.”’ ‘* Was there much discipline?” asked RicHARD, who was now putting the ques- tions. **T don’t think there was much,” replied the old man, ‘‘ except, perhaps, amongst the police.” ‘* Do you remember who were the greatest marksmen in 1888 ?” ““To be sure Ido. The winner of the Queen’s Prize was an engraver who w to work on the noblest paper in the whole world; while the Albert Jewel (which was the any-rifle-equivalent to the Queen’s Prize), was carried off by Quarter-master ARrRowsMITH, who as you know, is a mil- lionnaire.”’ ‘Surely not the Mr. ArrowsmITH who _——- ‘ Called Back,’ and the ‘ Tinted ‘enus,’ and whose latest édition de luze the thirtieth) of ‘ Tracked Out,’ at ten guineas a copy, has received only recently so warm a welcome in every quarter of the civilised world ?” ‘* The very same!”’ ** And when the camp of the National Rifle | Association was expelled from Wimbledon, | and tried first on the Brighton Downs, and then at_ Wormwood Scrubs, and next at) Herne Bay, and subsequently for some | time in Olympia, until last year it was | held in the Thames Tunnel — did it flourish ?” ‘*That, my dear little ones,” said the old man, who was getting rather weary of | the conversation, ‘‘you must judge for| yourselves. You now have the past and the present before you, and consequently | are in a position to take your choice!” ‘* Honours Easy.”— Voila Zora décoré! South-Western Railway Company, was ow,” continued the white-headed grey-beard, ‘‘ that in those days it If I am not mistaken, where you now see that crowded burial-ground there was a brickfield that used to be the pride of the Duke of Camuninee. if I remember rightly, persons from being shot to death by thousands that the Duke ordered the Volunteers away ! But not ‘‘ decorous,” a word that does not |exist in the French language. ZoLa 4 Knight of the Legion of Honour! If the French Honour list is alphabetical, then, with Zoia they must have got to the very | end of it.

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a - ioe ae ed fae 2 ! @& ee eee ' =o - ah 'Raesesd *® se oS RO =—- — (L6GlUmD Jury 28, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 47 OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 8. h AT THE SWEATING SYSTEM COMMISSION. |said GranamM, grasping the ’Orny ’And, “ wish there were twenty ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. | thousand like you in London. Then we "d make CHar.es THe THiep EXTRACTED FROM as short as CHARLES THE fal Aedes ¢ “¢ 4 e : - ** Right you are!” said ’Orny ’Anded One. ‘‘ Can’t do much for ° THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. | you, but can give rattling evidence.” ‘ House of Commons, Monday, July 16.—Things rather in explosive | “‘Can you?” cried Cunninoname. ‘That's right! Let me state to-night. Everybody popping off, as if dynamite concealed have your name and address.” , but his person. CUNNINGHAME GraHam pops first. Seems he| ‘‘ Lend me your pencil,” said ’Orny ’Anded One, “ and I'll write ost gold pencil-case in cause of ae tees li rty. Produced it to | it down for you.” take policeman’s number in Trafalgar thising British Workman, uare on Saturday. Sympa- “* Good!” said CUNNINGHAME GRAHAM. ; standing by, loudly cheered. ‘‘Ah!”' Handed over gold pencil; priceless value ; heirloom in the family.

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it ee ae 48 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Juty 28, 1888. Just then somebody tapped Cunniveuame on right shoulder. Turned sharply round to see who it was. On looking back, found ’Orny Anded One disappeared with pencil-case. Sees it all now. ’Orny ’Anded One a policeman in plain clothes ; old off by Warren for this particular work. i i ion to Home Secretary, who sits guiltily silent. But the popping of Cunnyryename Granam nothing to Parnetr’s. Comes up with question as to course Government intend to take with respect to Bill creating Special Commission, to try over again great libel case. PaRNELL palpitating with passion. Fixes directly ” upon Otp Moratrry. Looks as if he would tear » him limb from limb. O.M. evidently in a terrible funk. But there is table and breadth of floor between him and Parwett, and Lorp-ApvocatTe at end of bench. If anything happens, can get behind Lorp-Apvocate. Take a good deal of tear- ing up to finish Aim before hour i cdbeunenens. After this, motion for Adjournment, whilst Cony- BEARE discanted on Saturday’s performance in Trafalgar Square. Dr. Crank gave interesting account of proceedings. Singularly like scene from Pantomime where policeman comes on ; only, situa- tion reversed. Instead of Bobby being chivvied, and finally chucked out, Bobby seems to have chivvied the Public in casual way. Graphic descriptions of Rev. Gentlemen with hats bat- tered ; Hon. Members rushed backwards and forwards across Square, and then taking cabs to go home. Oup Moratiry, recovering from state of coma into which Parwett had fright- ened him, abruptly moved Closure. By curious association of ideas, this reminded Cunnine- HAME GranamM that his gold pencil-case was not elosed when he passed it to the ’Orny ’Anded One. Rose to mention this incident. SPEAKER putquestion. C.G. stood in attitude of defiance, still thinking of the’Orny ’ Anded One. Conservatives yelled. Speaker shouted “Order! Order!” Cunyivename Granam tumbled back into his seat, ‘‘ and Freedom,” | at it again, ‘‘ shrieked when Koscrvsxo fell.” Business done.—In intervals of miscellaneous popping, three | clauses added to Local Government Bill. Tuesday.—House been for some weeks engaged in race against | time with Lecal Government Bill. Contest being on go-as-you- please system determined to-night to run; tremendous scamper ; at four o’clock on Clause 67; finished up before igh ' ! t Thinking of the ’Orny *Anded One. midnight with Clause 125 and last. Pretty to see Cates Wrieut standing at Bar with mouth open, watching Bill jump along clause by clause. Board man and boy for forty years,”’ said he, in a hushed whisper; ‘‘ but never got through business like this. A mile a minute—a clause every sixty seconds! Tyldesley not in it!” CovrtnEy began to show signs of distress. Five Clauses yet to pass; only half-hour to do it in. Orp Moraxrry sat restless on Treasury Bench; strong impulse on him to move the Closure. Ruirenre smiled feverishly ; tried not to look at clock. Cuartre BeresrorD, practical at critical moment, brought glass of hot rum for Chairman. Epwanrp CLARKE con- tributed sponge and a lemon. Thus refreshed in and out, CourTNEY got up another spurt, Z staggering past the post with Clause 125, and ten minutes to spare. Curse of Camborne interposed, and suggested that progress should be reported, and last Clause left over. Howl of angry reprobation greeted suggestion. Would dearly have liked to vex everybody by moving to report progress; but at last moment courage failed him. So ultimate ‘A Clause Clause agreed to, and the Curse went home lause every Sixty Seconds!” ° to roost. Business done. — Last Clause of Local Government Bill through (ommittee. Thursday.— Local Government Bill finally through Committee, new Clauses, Schedules, and all. House cheers ; CHIE blushes. ABRA- HAM proposes to lead off chorus, ‘‘ For he’s a Jolly Good Fellow ;” DrLwyn pointed out that that would be out of order; might lead to con flict with SpEakeERr. Communicates suspi- | “Been Chairman of the Tyldesley Local | Towards half-past twelve, on Clause 120, | | demands, but in the So melody remains mute in ABRAHAM’s bosom. | Nevertheless, everybody agrees that Rrrcute has done uncommonly well. Comparatively a young Parliamentary Hand, with no experi- ence of taking Bill through House, has carried one of the biggest measures of modern times. For such success much depends on nature of Bill; but a great deal on the Minister in charge. Har- court says he knows many men, who in most favourable circum- stances couldn’t have earned Bill. Everybody knows one, but in Hanrcovrr’s presence doesn’t mention name. Rrrcnte, throughout long struggle, has been clear-headed, courteous, firm wherever firm- ness was quite safe; when making concessions, adding to the grace of giving by doing it promptly and cheerfully ; never bumptious; resisting all temptations to be smart, and clever enough to hide his cleverness. Several men may have reason to believe that they have | done pretty well in the long debate; but Rrrcnze has carried his Bill. | = Curse of Camborne back again. Roosting with him a disappointingly BaLrour moved Second Reading of Bann Drainage Bill. Appears that this is a fresh injustice to Ireland. The whole country seething with indignation. In such | circumstances might reasonably expect Leader of Irish Party, or one of principal Lieutenants to move rejection. But it is an English Member that comes to the front. CoNYBEARE moves rejection of Bill. Bluntly announces he’s going to talk it out. e’ll see about that,’ says Macartney. Lay low and said nuffin till just on stroke of | midnight. Another sixty seconds’ vituperation and the Curse of Camborne could have carri out histhreat. Macartney moves Closure just in nick of time. Closure carried ; main question put; Irish Members evict each other ; noisily tumble out of House ; after Division, as noisily come back; Orders run through ; object to everything ; Curse | of Camborne in full blast; Speaxer threatens to ‘‘Name” him, where- upon Curse subsides, and House brief exercise. journs. ‘Ah,” said Herpert GARDNER, strolling out ; ‘‘ glad it ended that way. SPEAKER, in ‘ ing’ ConYBEARE, had accurately described him, afraid he must have dropped | into un en we'd have to PEAKER to Order, which would have rather com- plicated things.” Business done. Local Government Bill through Committee. Friday Night.—The Curse really has gone home to roost this time. Been writing to the papers, mally attacking Speaker. This breach of manners stirred GRANDOLPH to deepest depths. ** If there’s one thing I like, Tosy,” he said, just now, “‘it is to see respect shown to our pastors and masters. Do anythi The Grand Young Gardner. thing you | like with me; but don’t expect me to stand tamely by if anyone scouts constituted authority. So GranDOLPH moved that the Curse be suspended for the rest of the Session. House secretly delighted at prospect, but dissembled its joy. aGh hang it! ‘*That’s too much. Give hima month.” Sage of Queen Anne’s Gate pleaded for fourteen days, and costs. Finally, House shook off the Curse for a month. Business done.—CoNYBEARE suspended. A few Votes in Supply. > Members said. The Umbrella at the Opera. Says Bousrreip to Harris, ‘‘ I must keep my gingham.” Says Harris to Bousrreip, “ To stalls you can’t bring ’em.” To Bousriep (vr. Harris), says Bayiey, the Judge, ‘“* You’ll pay all the costs, and the action is fudge. When the Op’ra you visit,—by this you ’ll abide,— If you stick to your gingham, you must stick—outside.” Bryant-anp-May’s Youne Grris,—Match-makers indeed! They no doubt make excellent ‘“‘ strike-on-their-own-box” and other matches for B. anp M., who, having for once met their match, have behaved most sensibly, and yielded with a good grace to reasonable Vest End, a young lady, no matter how lovely, if she only had nineteen shillings a week at most, couldn’t expect to make much of a match without assistance. Yet match-making mothers have been known to make splendid matches for their daughters, even when they have been absolutely penniless. Won- d srful persons these West End matchmakers! Tae ‘‘ Sweets” or Wiwe_epoy.—Bulls’-eyes. (> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. To this rule

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jouur 28, 1888. _ = ee WON’T WASH CLOTHES. Giakes Makes yifekes Makes Makes Makes Cleane r n ndows aint rass an like. like like look Marble like Polishes Siiver. Crystal. New. White. Mirrors, Everything, old by Grocers, Ironmongers, and General Dealers throughout the Country. If not obtainable near you, send 4d, in stamps for full-size Bar, free by post; or ls, for Three Bars, free by post (mentioning *‘ Punch”), to 3} BROOKE & CO., 36 To 40, YORK ROAD, KING’S CROSS, LONDON, N. DS WITH BOLLING WATER. TO BAVE THE TEETH, USE PP Ss’ S | THOMPSON & CAPPER'S DENTIFRICE ee te 4a 64, apd S6. 64 botties Beware

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARL—Jvuty 28, 1888. “Loan Facwrienor SCHOOL OUTFITS. TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS.— Mesers. SAMUEL BROTHERS res fully invite an inspection of their Show Rooms by Parents and Guardians who sre desirous of Ow their Juvenile charges for any of the Public or ale Colleges, Schools, &c. The requirements of Youths and ye have for very many years engaged the closest attention of Messrs. Samvust Baormess with the result that this important t of their business has attained very large dimensions, #0 that every want in Suits, Boota, &c., is fully met, and durable qualities ensured. ~ Fire are the pre prietors of a special material, mated “the WEAR-RESISTING FABRIC” (need) ), that has been manufactared to withstand the hard wear given by Boys and Youths to their school and every-day dress. Catalogue Post Free. Yor SHIRTS, HATS, HOSIERY, BOOTS, OUTFITTING, “ &c., ee ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE. SUMMER OUTFITS FOR CENTLEMEN. Messrs. SAMUEL BROTHERS are dis- playing a CHOICE ASSORTMENT of the NEW CASHMERE SWITINGS and OVERCOATINGS that are supplied either to order or ready for immediate use. The quality, trimming, fit, and finish of all garments is guaranteed, and a visit of inspection is invited. The SUMMER STOCK comprises all the LATEST NOVELTIES of Messrs. SAMUEL BROTHERS’ own manufacture — CASHMERE and ELASTIC TWILLED COATS, INVER- NESSES, COVERT COATS, ALPACA and ZEPHYR COATS, SUITS of INDIGO-DYED SERGE, HOMESPUNS, VICUNAS, &c. FLANNELS, Plain Colours, White, Stri , or Checked ir great variety, for Boating, Cricket, Tennis, Vacation, and Tourist wear, &c. CYCLANG of C.T.C. and other durable Tweeds, at iS, f Y A \ SAMUEL BROTHERS, 65 & 67, LUDGATE HILL, LONDON, E.C._ “heron” SUITS, most moderate prices, Sort. PATTERNS AND ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE POST FREER. “ Arueric” Ovrng FLANNELS, BLA7Y CAPS, &c., k FEN WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. @OLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, 1904 200, the Gall ; 60a, the Dox. Cassisos Pauw Casa Owtr. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 24 and 25, Hart St., Bloomsbury, W.C., LATE OF ALBANY &T., N.W Agents for Indis—CUTLER, PALMER, & 00. A single bottle, os & sample, will be sent post free to any address on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 64 ALL MAN'S Esfomahec 1825 To be had at Clubs, Hotels, and Restaurants, end in casks of ali Wholesale Wine and Mer hants throughout United Kingdom and Colonies. Kich i Phesphates.”—Banon Licnio MAX GREGER'S CARLOWITZ. 2, 2, Old Bond Street, London, W. w. J. EXSHAW & 60S FINEST OLD BRANDY. 6s. per dos. im Cases as imported Tw Geabeneen & Co.. BS, Regent Street, W JOHN BRINSMEAD & SONS’ PIANOFORTES are the perfection of touch, tone, and durability. 16, 2, and 2, WIGMORE STREET, LONDON, W. lliustrated Lists post free Under the direct Patronage of H.M. The QUEEN, | ~ | al al and Imperial Warrant, Purveyor ? Tire wool F Fabrics to the Roya! Families of Busepe and the Kank and Fashion of the W orld. EGERTON BURNETT'S ROYAL eeere SUMMER PATTERNS POST FREE to any address. Any Length Gold. Carriage Paid on Orders of 20s. and above to any part of the United Kingdom. No Acewts on Mippie-Max Exrctoren EGERTON BURNETT, Wellington, Somerset, England. DI PAGEL. Sargon bent method of FIXING TEETH Da PAGET'S American ex pst free. Consultations daily free from 10 till __ MAIGNEN’S FILTRE RAPIDE.” MAICNEN’S “ * FILTRE RAPIDE ” & “ ANTI-CALCAIRE” 60., LTD. (The largest manufacturers of Filters tn the World), __32, ST. MARY-AT-HILL, LONDON, E.G, Guaranteed by the use of HUNT’S FAMILY PILLS. Large numbers of people in robust health can testify to the truth of this assertion, having regulated thein- selves entirely by these Pills. for over 560 years. One Pill will invariably rr and »@ little perseverance y cure, either a Torpid Liver, Costiveness, Indi- tien, Pains in the Back or Hi nflvenza or Feverish Cold, Rheamatism Lambago, Flatulency or Giddiness. THEY RESTORE BRIGHTNESS TO THE EYE, CLEARNESS TO THE COMPLEXION. SHARPNESS TO THE INTELLECT, AND ENERGY TO BOTH MIND AND BODY. To Ladies they are invaluable. Sold every- where, in boxes, 1s. ltd. and 2s. Od. Wholesale Agents, WILCOX & CO., 239, Oxford Stree London. Post-free. MAPPIN & WEBB'S HOLLOW GROUND SH FFFI FL 168, Oxford Street, W., and 18, Poultry, £.C., In Case oe, Sheffield. Black Handle . Yar > or to all mat, = RAZORS. made Kazors. The besuey of Stalet of Stained Glass in every house 's Patent It can be applied to any window by any perses without previous experience in the use of the article. outlooks. Write for Iustrated My (300 Illustrations) and Post Free frum Londen, or from the Manufactory, Norfolk Street, Ivory Handle ... can be enjoyed by using M‘Oaw, Stevenson & WINDOW DECORATION. Invaluable where there are windows with disagrecable . from the Manufac- St JAMES VR id M. S Beinn ELIXIR DELIGHTFUL TO USE. Prevents DECAY of the TE PURIFIES THE BREATH. Leaves the & state of delicious and durable freshag Goin Muvats— PARIS, BRUSSELS, LONDON, & World-famed Preparations of the Reverené dictine Fathers of A oulac (Gironde) Dewriveice, 2s., ds. and — ; Toors 4. 6d., 2s., and 3s. 64. i Pasrs, ls. 64 FROM ALL PERFUMES OB CHEMIE Wholesale only, 51, Farrn Srazst, Loxow, REGISTERED. SPF OCK’S "ea REAL GERMAN HOLLOW ALL DEALERS OR DIRECT FROM ENGLISH DEPOT, 138 DIGBETH, BIRMING! G oad at d’s Plate Powde NON - MERCURL CIAL. ae and AKTICLE for v. BI PLATE, Ny vive OLD MED. Sold every where,in Boxes, le. ,2s. 64., ané WRIGHT: =COAL- sine ar; we! SOA im the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Fleet Strect, in the Parish of St Bride, City of Loudon.—sarvapar, July , Agnew, & Lomberé nia PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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“A Pictorial Key On August grd will be publishet, price \bs., the THIRD VOLUME of nistory of ne | MIB- PUNCH’S VICTORIAN ERA. n's Reign.” Quee & Being the fifty years of the Queen's Reign (1837-1887) as reflected and illustrated in the “Punch” Cartoons. / PALL MALL GAZETTE ‘insistent hesiiint ede With a Descriptive Narrative. The “comple te work makes three fine royal quarto volumes, each with a | a9 10, BOUVERIF STREET, EC Frontispiece Portrait, containing quite 1,000 Cartoons. el leg antly bound. with elt eds res. Price 425. j

wl Ged” @ ; an ee _— re Au (+ = r~_5* % L7Y fe ans if rv ane ai rs | via: : * a \ iwiailin S33¥HL 390I18d

3ON3d MI N° 2456. VOLUME NINETY-FIFTH. —~@-— > © ie) c 2 Fb lod Ww > w ia) Ww =z a 4 a p= a A a SAC eee AUGUST 4, SS iia cee 1888 See rig eT Us P a paren Pe Vols A wei, ieoedmenementinne nant “ta wai — SS SS Nee

’ ~ - ’ a y~" yail}i| Y “4 all i Hl \S”, vey hom Hl } ar tlhe

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL —_—— ie he filling at the A a \ Apol. O wna) as Spring during the year 1887 \

amounted to 11,894,000 bottics.

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ee BLACK’S Guide Books. Brighton. le ae Mon, 2. 64 } t ‘ Ise of W ght, le. 6, Onan n slands, Be. 64 Jersey, le ‘ . . Kent, Be. 6¢ f * de, 64 b raey lakes, le shire. ts 64 leamingt le Devonshire, 2s. 64 Leicestershire, 2s. 64. Dureetohire, le. 64 London, 4s. 64 Bogland, 10s. 64 Nottinghamshire, 39. 64 Pegiieh Lawes B. 64 Searborough, le. Gloucestershire, Bs. 6d Scotland, & 64. & ls. Gurrarey, le Surrey, 2s. 64. Harrogate huneex, 2+. 64 Hampshire, 2: 64 Wales, ts. & le Hereford, as. 6d Warwickshire, 3s. 64. Ireiand, bs Yorkshire, 60 Edinbargh AM awn CHARLES BLACK LONGMAN's - MAGAZINE, yey eye ‘rice BIXPE Eve ty the Auth John ae Cont, The Mortcomincs of English Elementary Schools, Last fay 4. ext hy Charles Walter Boyd The Wolves. ly hden Philipotts The Gtevage of Life as « Ganitary Study. By » : har son Hoontide. by 1), J. Robertson The Lilacs’ Hy Mrs. Alfied W. Hunt, Orthedoz. By Dorothea Gerard, Joint Author of At the Sign of the Ship. By Andrew Lang London LONOMANS, GREEN. & CO Now ready Sixpence). New Series, No 62 THE CORNHILL MAGAZINE for AUG mtaining. among other articies of ntereat ‘“‘ Whe Wrote Dickens's Novels?” —* Two British Pilgrimages im the Nineteenth Centary” ‘The Peak of Tenerife” —* Hot Winds” —*The Home of Turkish Tobacco.” and “A Life's Morning,” by « Author of “ Demos,” “ Thyrza,” &c., Chaps. ZV. and XVI London: Surra, Ecosse, & Co., 146, Waterloo Piace Liz: MATRIMONIAL HERALD AND FASHIONABLE MARRIAGE GAZETTE is the rig'na and only recognised medium for Hign-\ las duclons The arges ‘nd most successfu + rimonial Agency in the World. Price 34.; in enve ope. “es ada: ems Editor, 40, Lamb's Conduit m “OUR NEIGHBOURS.” PARTRIDGE & COOPER, STATIONERS, TH 192, FLEET STREET. JOHN BRINSMEAD & SONS’ PIANOFORTES are the perfection of touch, tome, and durability 4, ®, and 22, WI MOR STREET, LONDON, W strat iets post free. LUGGAGE PASSENGER, &. For HOTELS, MANSIONS, @o. LFTs == soe CLARE, BUNNEZTT, 800 RATHBONE PLACE. W ASSURANCE COMPANY HEAD OFFICES LONDON = ABERDEEN PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Avoust 4, 1888. 25, CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 32 PRIZE MEDALS. ANNUAL CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS 000,000 Ibs. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. ACHMILLAN’s MAGAZINE. Por AUGUST. Price ls. Contents Straining the Silken Thread; Smith John Campbell Shairp; by Lord Coleridve A Ballad of the Armada; by Renveli Kodd Gaston de Latour; by Walter Pater. (To be continued ) ; by Herold A. Perry. Conf of a Gard ’ Sir Francis Doyle's Poetry Creasy; by bret Harte. Chapters L.—Il. Translations from Horace ; by ‘’fella. 10. Om Bome Letters of Keats; by Sidney Colvin. MACMILLAN & ©O., LONDON POST-OFFICE PARCELS AND TELECRAPHS. With Illustrations by Hasay Furniss, appears io THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE For AUGUST. Profusely Tilustrated,64.; by post, 84., contains :— 1. The Parish Clerk. After Gainsborongh Frontispiece 2. The Pa In Two Parts. Part l By Henry domes. 3. A Rugby Ramble. By H. A. Newton. With | liwstrations & Pamily Portraits. By 8. J. Werman 56. Post-Ofice Parcels and Telegraphs. With lilustrations by Harry Furni-s 6. The Mediation of Ralph Hardelot Chaps XXXVIII.—XL, (comtumued). Hy Professor W. Minto 7. The Old Tryst. By Moriey Roberts. 6. Memories. by 6. A. Alexander. 9%. Et Catera. By H. D. Trail. eeneoc fe 4 o g MACMILLAN & CO., LONDON MAPPIN & WEBB'S ELECTRO PLATE. by Goldwin | FACTORS TURKISH PASTILS Through all my travels few things as tonished me more than seeing the Keauties he Harem smoking Narghilés at tam boul. Aftersamoking a sw cet aromatic Pasti s used, which imparts an odour of flower to the breath I have seen these Pastil- bat once in Europe, at Presse & Lusix’ Shop Lady W. Montague Ladies who admire a * Breath of Flowers should takea Pastil nightand morning a > Be UR LF rep —aw« TITY. 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i-saa 22 |” peer | > 2 ie iB Avoust 4, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49 7ARRY ON ST. SWITHIN. Deark CHARLIE, I’m down with rheumatics, and scrawls this ’ere letter in bed, With a elber as sore as Jemimer, and ’ammers at work in my ’ed. ; Bloomin’ nice state o’ things for J -% CHARLIE! mer ’s ’ad me on the ’op, For a fellow must be a fair turmut to stand such a Season of Slop. I ’ave seen a few mizzlyish ones, but my eyes and a d-box, dear boy! This bangs ’em to bits; it is somethink a teatotal frog might enjoy. Rain? Bust it, the’ word isn’t hadyquate now, and if Science would teach ’Ow to talk of our weather 0.K., she must tip us some new parts of speech. St. Swithin be jolly well jiggered! He’s got me on toast, and no kid. I’d been piling the dibs for a outing, and saved up a couple of uid, So I jined a swell party of right uns who’d rented a = prime four-in-’and, For a tool down to Dorking by road, and, by Jove, we meant doing the grand. If you’d witnessed the muster at Hatcuert’s, at ten-thirty sharp Toosday week, You’d ha’ bust arf your buttons orf, Cuariie. It mizzled, a reglar damp reek, Like a cook-shop in Winter, my pippin; and as for our party, great Scorr! You’d a swore as you never compel eae on a funnier wropped-upper lot. The top-coats and muakingtoas, CHARLIE, the rugs, and the hulsters with ’oods! For a party of Gents in July! Oh, I tell yer twas reglar good ; Britons hout for a ’oliday? Bosh! North-sea pilots in shin-plaster suits, And Friars in brown bed-gowns, and Bobbies with tippets and double-soled boots ! That nicks hus more nearer like, CHartre. Yours truly was toffed up superb, In a thick hoatmeal suit of splashed dittos ; and as I stood there or. the kerb, A puffing a prime La , my waterproof slung on my arm, I tell you I fetched Piccadilly, worked on the gals like a charm. Well, we took a nip round at the bar. Brandy neat was my tipple; sounds rum For the dog-days, old I’ll allow, but then dog-days is all a dashed hum. Lemon-squosh 1s a capital lotion when Summer is fair on the job, But to lap lemon-squash on a hiceberg is shivery work, s’help me Bob! Well, we started. Oh, Cuaruie, that ride! Which yours truly ain’t sugar or salt, To melt in a shower; we one close, liquored up every time we’d a halt ; Puffed sputtering cigars like dashed chimneys, or asphalter’s cauldrons, and yet We couldn’t keep in any warmth, nor we couldn’t keep out any wet. Tried » jokes my dear boy, but each wheeze, like the weather, was watery and ull; I had a toon hup on the ’orn, but I made jest the muckiest mull Couldn’t squeeze out one fair sisirary ; and when there ’s a rowdedow round, ’Anry ’ates to be out of the ’unt, as you know by this time, I’ll be bound. Hutter frost, my dear boy, and no herror, that run down to Dorking by road, And next day I wos doing a doss with rheumatics as bad as be blowed. This muck aix-=p they call Summer! The Seasons are ’aving a game, And that sloshy old squirter, St. Swithin, they tell us, old pal, is to blame. St. Swithin! He’s wus than Sir Witrrip, His whack’s forty days and no more, But he’s now like Old Joe in the song, for he kicks up behind and before. Sum- He has spiled the whole Season this year, for he’s drownded both June and July, And it’s pelting like fun as I write, although Orgust is now precious nigh. Mucked Henley! My Houseboat—leastways I’d the run of it, Cuan.re, old pal, The Boss bein’ BaesHot, the Booky, who hired it to please his new gal—— Our went, the ‘Margery Daw,” was as smart as they make ’em, no oubt, But the spree gave yours truly the hump ; it wos jest one perpetual spout. Couldn’t do a lark round with the ladies or git a fair boss at a race. Ony wish I could spot old St. Waterworks ; hang him, 7’d sit on his face! As to Wimbledon, well, that wos wus. Wot’s the good of the toppingest togs In weather like washing-day, CHARLIE, a season fit only for frogs ? As to cricket, oh, criminy ey | ! It’s muck, my dear feller—sheer muck ! apy oan can’t play Sussex “‘lobs,”” and when WaLrer Reap’s done or a duck, To me on damp seats, doubled up like a cab-driver caught in a storm a wot Surrey mugs would call ‘‘ sport,” but I tell yer it isn’t my form. wn-tennis? Qh, turn it up—turn it up! Beastly to see pooty gals, With shiny black muckingtogs smothered, a-hiding their sappy fal-lal A trottin’ about with damp racquets, their dear little noses all red, Feng Pound on the chance of a game, when they ’d better be tucked up in bed, Why at z Bounding Brothers” theirselves, those top-sawyers at service and ‘‘ smash,’ The RENsHaws, carnt play in a puddle or mud-swamp with science and dash. ef them pull off the dnals, wet -f ; fair cautions for pluck and for skill ; ut WILL only seemed arf in earnest, and Exwest scarce played with a will. VOL, Xov, F And here I am mugged up in blankets, and lapping a go of rum ’ot! [that’s all going to pot. |’Ow’s yerself and the country, old ’ermit ? 8’ pose Teatotallers, tadpoles, and turmuts, may like this Unlimited Slosh, thamey will wosh. | But don’t call it Summer, dear boy, for I’m blowed if that St. Swithin the snivelling old Spoil-sport is ’aving a Triumph, wus luck ! vee Muck. | But Bizness and Pleasure this season are ruine« by Mizzle Oh, for Cheap Hemigration, my pippin! The very fust cove it should carry | To sunshine and dry-feet somewheres, should be yours (wot there ’s left of him), Anny d ; “Give you Goon Day.”—By objecting to Mr. Justice Day being one of the Special Commissioners, the Parnellites give their opponents the chance of reproaching them with not wishing to have the get of Day on their alleged dark secrets. Perhaps, after all, the Special Commission may be postponed sine die, without a Day. EXTREMES MEET. (Musings of a Misanthrope, after reading the ‘‘ Latest Foreign Intelligence.”’) How bored these rambling Royalties must be ! A morning call, a Five o’Clock swell Tea, Or other hollow “ function ” of Society, Has as much vital interest and variety As these parades where crownéd toff meets toff, And HoHENZOLLERN bows to Romanorr. Say I ‘‘ drop in” on Jonxs and Jones's wife ; We bore each other nearly out of life, And part much wearier, but nothing wiser. Is it much different with Czaz and Kaiser ? Mrs. JonEs gives me tepid tea, a look At her old Album or new Birthday Book ; The Russ the Teuton banquets when they meet, Shows him his Army, and parades his Fleet. Good Mrs. Jones and I contrive to chat About my Tennis, or her Persian Cat ; I caring for her Cat, she for my Tennis As much as a blind nigger might for Venice. Teuton and Russ make after-dinner speeches, And which the hollowest depth of bathos reache | Might tax a cynic TaALLEYRAND to tell. They vow they love each other passing well, (As i admire ‘‘ dear Mrs. Jones's” tabby) Mrs. Jones tells me that, upon her life, She’s pining for a sight of my sweet wife They ’re social rivals, and they love each other As—well, as WILtrAM loves his northern brother. | Whilst each laugh low the inward laugh of Lappy. | | The Muscovite—or Swede, it matters not Drinks to the Teuton’s health, talks royal ‘‘ rot” Concerning ‘‘ bonds of friendship,” | the traces That bind in one fast ‘‘ team” two rival races. So their ‘* ment ”’ is by bunkum ratified ; WiuuuM ““smiles graciously,” the Czar ‘looks gratified,” And Special Correspondents—wondrous creatures— Who read, in passing smirks on Royal features Imperial poliey—proclaim aloud Autocrat twaddle to the gaping crowd. Well, all this smiling sham, this humbug solemn, Ekes out an article, or pads a column. But, mighty Casar! how these great and gracious Ka Forked radishes,” these v t and veracious Imperial Panjandrums must ! I fell asleep at Jones’s—nearly snored !— But better tepid tea and twaddling tattle | Than bunkum-banquets which may lead to battle ! | “Or course I see you’re joking,” said Mrs. R., with a knowing look, interrupting her nephew—who bad just | commenced reading aloud the title of a paragraph in a newspaper, ‘‘A University for Wales.” ‘‘ You ; take me in quite so easily. University for Whales, indeed? ‘* And -yet,” she added, reflectively, “ when { was in Cornwall, { heard them frequently speak of a ‘ School ot Herrings.’ So yon may be right, 1 all.” ~ - | A Dotcom Frrenp or Mz. Gosoneyr’s.—Van Tax.

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See ee cence eee ae | | | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aucust 4, 1888, =~ 7) | — SS S S S > NM ST. SWITHIN TRIUMPHANT. THE RECORD OF A JOVIAL JULY. | | thing down, including prices. ‘‘Coarocre, Cuesrer, Cuarce!’ — and, of course, Chester did charge, and pretty well too, for lodgings and hotel accommodation during the Festival. But not exorbitantly. The weather sent every- Madame Norpica and Grace DAMIAN in excellent form ; when these two sing together it is specially good | for the former, who sings with Grace; and as these artists, with | Messrs. Lroyp and SayTLey, must have dined at least two or three | hours hefore performing, they all, being with Miss Damuaw, sing | with Grace-after-dinner. Everything very perfect. Miss BELLE CoLe,—Princess Cote, daughter, I suppose, of the ancient highly popular Monarch, who was, as everyone knows, so fond of music with his own chamber-trio of strings,—well, Miss Bette Coxe, not And she being a Core that can sing, might only have required 4 little Coke-sing to come out all right. Her chest-notes were forcible, but not too forcible, by comparison with the locality, which, if her notes were chest, was, it must be remembered, Chester. Altogether satisfactory, except to Canon BLencoweg, who, we are informed, objected to patronise the sacred musical performance in the Cathe- dral. Well, he didn’t come ; and, if so, fe acted like an indifferent Canon,—went off, with a slight explosion rhaps, but hurting nobody. Sir ArTHUR SULLIvaN thought that this Canon might have been loaded with reproaches. Howest Oppositioy.—That of Sir Wrrrm Lawson, and Teeto- tallers, to all ‘‘ Imperial Measures.”” A great pint this. quite up to the high level of the others. But consider the weather! Lon so I dere inci awa you “ quie acct Iror abo

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Avoust 4, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. aM ay | INV | j “ SHARP ’S THE WORD”! Wife. ‘‘ Poon MAMMA IS DREADFULLY LOW-SPIRITED THIS MORNING, GEORGE. ONLY THINK—SHE HAS JUST EXPRESSED A WISH TO BE CREMATED !” | Husband (with alaerity). ‘’O’s-Less My——" (Throwing down his Newspaper.) ‘‘TeLt HER TO PUT HER THINGS ON, Dear! | I’ti—I’LL DRIVE HER OVER AT ONCE!!” ae a ao . ; ea “Just so. Then I think you have been fairly athletic. "Were in INTERVIEWING BY MACHINERY. oy se ~ os ven = — in you ( allege pont. ’ Still have the . » Decne » to da f vat, and took away the rudder. Got both of them langing up in (By One who now knows How to do @.) your study. Was rather fond of following the Thanet Hz: a 2 Ts. 1 wap reveived an intimation from the conductor of a popular| Once caught by the tide at Herne Bay and (mounted) had,to swim London paper that I was to be visited by one of his representatives, | for your life. I think I am right—stop me if I am wrong.” so I pulled myself together and behett up my note-books. I o ,1 did not stop him. de for hours over my pest. life, and called to mind its most te -4¥ Live in this house. Usual sort of old-fashioned mansion. Bro- incidents. I arran house in the most artistic fashion, an eaded curtains, and dark-coloured wooden chests picked up in Brit- awaited events rather anxiously. At the appointed time a lively tany. Pictures of your father, mother, grandfather, and grand- young gentleman introduced himself mother. Value them all. However set highest price on a small ‘Now, my dear Sir,” said he, “all I want you to do is to sit| picture of himself, once given you by his Royal Highness. Fond of quietly and attend to me. You need not speak yourself. I am so} dogs—that black poodle can do some tricks. Like flowers in your accustomed to this sort of thing that I can save you all that trouble. | garden ; water them every day when your toil is done. Can play on lron-grey hair—military moustache—about fifty. Think you are | the fiddle, and sometimes indulge in a = of whist at the Club. about fifty, and the colour of your hair is hereditary ?”’ I think that is about all you have to tell me, except when you said I nodded. good-bye you shook me warmly by the hand, and once more got back ** Quite so, wea, that will do for a start. I think you have been | to the work my entrance had interrupted.” a soldier : had adventures of the usual kind in South Africa. Lived| And before | could re ply he had jumped up, rushed down my steps, with the Boers and Afghans. Eaten half-raw mutton, and slept for | taken a Hansom, and gone off to interview somebody else. —) in huts made of mud? Eh? That’s it, isn’t it ? , ——— ————————— “in I bowed my head. 19966 ertainly,” pie he jotted down a few more lines in the note-| “Pray Ur! Mosieve! It seems a pity,” says Our Own book which he had taken from his pocket. ‘‘ Lite rary man too, | Zimes Corre ~sponde nt, writing from Berehaven during the Naval Written lots of books. Novels—romances. You start a plot by | Manceuvres, ** that bands should now be all but abolished. Rightly getting a central idea. Then you think it out. Then you find the | 07 “ rongly, Lord Charles Beresford is credited with the change,’ &e. proper sort of persons to carry out your notion. Put them down and What! Lord CHarves, a prominent supporter and member of the give them names? Then think out your last incident. Get it and | Org: inising Committee of the Italian Opera, “ forbidding the bands’ go backwards till you come to Chapter First. Then go to the seaside We cannot believe that Our Cuartey can have been so misguided as and think it over again—all of it. Then begin your work and finish | to be out of harmony with popular sentiment. Let every ship be it. Eh? That’s the sort of thing, isn’t it?” like the Old Lady of Banbury Cross, and have music wherever she Once more I silently acqui . goes, to cheer up our hearts of oak, "and set the tars’ toes going to “Fancy too you were once a doctor. Laboured amongst the very | the hornpipe. Te yore. Heart crushed by the misery of the East End. Saw the usual Tistics of ‘ Horrible London.’ Onee visited a Chinese Opium Stient Conru SION. ie. ery glad,” observed Mrs. Ram, *to read den—heathen Chinee—old woman with a small pipe—squalid sur-|that Mr. Santiey is back wt He’s much better employed in roundings. Eh?” I made the same gesture as before. | singing, than in finding some Pasha or other in Egypt.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 4, 1888, ROBERT AT THE CRISTIAL PALLIS. Tanks to the kindness of a frend of mine who is en there, I went larst week with a horder to the Cristial Pallis, but after gitting in without not paying nothink, I found to my grate estonishment, as | couldn’t have a seat in the Theater on the same libberal terms, and on picking out a nice one rite in front, I was acshally arsked no less than seven-and-six for it ! Of coarse 1 wasn’t a going for to pay sitch a sum as that jest > leer a Eye- talian Opera all about Don Geewarni— which I am told is short for Mr. Jony so, after a good deal of squabbling, he let me have one at the back for harf-a- crown. Luckily for me, one of my old Coppera- shun patrons was there, and he came u with his usual good-natered smile oa / said, ‘‘I didn’t kno, Mr. Roperr, as you was a Etalien skollar; are you?” To which I replied, ‘* Not a werry fust-rate one, 1’m afraid, Sir; but I knos that greesy means a great singer, and that allboney means a werry stout lady.” ‘‘ Well,” he said, larfing, ‘‘if that’s all, praps yon’d like me to sit by you, and tell you all about it?” ‘‘ That I suttenly shood,” says I, ‘if you ’ll be so kind.” Witch he were. Well, after all the fiddlers and trumpetters and the big drummer had played away a lot of rubbish, jest to git their hands in, up went the Cartaia, and sure enuff there was a werry ansumly drest gennel- man, whose name was Leppereller, and he began a singing, as I was told, all about what a noosance it were for him to be a dordling about out there in the cold while his Marster, Mr. Geewarni, was amusing of hisself indores. Presently in comes his marster and a werry stout lady all in wite a dragging of cach other about most horful, and then the Lady rans away, end in cums her father and tells Mr. G. as he ort to be ashamed of hisself for to hact like that, upon witch he pulls out his sword and they fites, and Mr. G. kills the lady’s father, bang on the floor, and then runsaway. And that’s the hend of the fust seen, witch didn’t strike me as being werry moral, till arter I’d seen the next one, and then I didn’t think 80 werry badly of it. In the second seen, in cums Mr. G. and his servant, Mr. Leppereller, a larting, and a singing all about the fun they ‘ve jest had ? when sosentiy in comes one of Mr. G.’s old sweethearts, who gives it him pretty hot for leaving her as he had done, when he tells her as it’s all rite, as his frend Mr. L. will xplain, but as he’s got a werry perticklar engagement hisself, off Me woes Mr. L. then percedes to xplain everythink to the pore Lady, and if it hadn’t been as my Copperashun patron had told me what was coming, I never coud have bleeved that any one gennelman coud have behaved so shamefull, or that hundreds of most respectabel ladies, old and yung, coud have set and lissened to it all as cool as so many cowcumbers! What a rewelashun ! Mr. Leppereller unfolds a long list about 10 foot long, which, he says, contanes the names of all his Master’s sweethearts! and then he tells the pore Lady how many there are and where they all lived ! So many in itterly, so many in France, so many among the Turkeys, none, I’m prowd to say, in England, but in Spain one thousand and three!! Glad I am as Mrs. Ropert wasn’t there to hear the shame- fool tail! But ewen that wasn’t all, for that imperent servant goes on to xplain that there was among ’em Marshonesses and Countesses and Barrownesses and Citizenesses, and ewen Serwants, in fact, sum of all sorts and all sizes! I never coud have bleeved it if I hadn’t have herd it all with my own years, and my kind frend’s together, and then off he runs, and ewerybody acshally larft and clapped their ands ! In the next seen of this shameful hoperer there is a pore willage gal a going to be married, and Mr. Geewarni aecshally trys to per- swade her to go with him to his carsel close by! But three ladies and gennelmen, all dressed in black, faces and all, stops him jest in time, and gives it him pretty hot, and serve him rite, but he don’t seem to care much about it, for in the next seen he and his imperent servant comes in larfing as usual, tho it is a churchyard, with ony one toom in it, and that is the pore gennelman’s as he killed in the werry fust seen, and it has on it a picter in stone of the dead old Gent a seated on his favrit horse. fell, drekly as Mr. G. sees it, he makes his pore servant harsk him to come and have supper with him that werry nite at 12 o’Clock sharp, and he nods his stony head, and says as he will! No wonder as the pore servant was amost fritened to death, for it made ewen me quite start agane. Well, the werry next seen shows Mr. G. at supper with sum of the most owdacious-looking ladies as I ever waited on, and they all drank away at reel Shampane, as I was hinformed as Mr. Oneustus Akris was sitch a reel liberal Manager that he allers guv his peeple reel suppers and reel wine, like a reel Gennelman as he is. Well, presently, as trew as I sets here a riting, in comes the stony-looking Statty as was last seen on Horseback in the Churchyard, and sings out as he has cum to supper, as he}promised for to do. And then | hout runs all the pore fritened ladies, tho I saw one on’em as took | ood care to emty her glass fust, tho she was so terrible agitated. ‘hen the Statty naterally harsks Mr. G. to shake hands with him, which he werry foolishly does, for of course it’s so cold that when he ’s got a good hold of it he carn’t let it agane till he falls down dead on the floor, and is ewen then so cold that his face is all blew! And then down came the Curtain, and it was all over, and we was all so pleased to see how werry propperly Mr. G. was punished for | his owdacious goings on, that we all clapped our hands and went home. And if this is the sort of morality as is tort by all Etalian Operas, | it will be a jolly long wile before I takes Mrs. Roperr to see one, | tho I must say that both me and my kind frend, and all the Gennel- men, aye ef good menny of the Ladies too, all seemed to most | thoroughly injoy it, and my kind frend was good enuff to tell me, that tho we are no dowt the most morallest peeple in all the world | when we understands all that ’s being said, when it’s served up ina forren tung we can stand quite as much as most folks, and praps a little more. RoseERt. RECENT SUMMERY PROCEEDINGS. In the Country (selon la Saison). How provoking that the Blue Hungarians should have thought that the weather would have stopped the garden-party, and that in consequence only the | ophicleide has come | down from London. I do not think, some: | how, he is producing | very much effect con- cealed among the palms in that conservatory. Seeing that the rain is falling in torrents, it would certainly have / been better to have epee the _ per- ormance of these pas- toral players. That dance of drip- ping w nymphs | would have been much | more effective if it had been given without . the aid of goloshes and Fashions in the Present Rain. umbrellas. Dear me! why here is the river that has overflowed its banks, | some up in full flood to the drawing-room windows ! Surely that must be the peacock perched on that garden-seat float- | ing away bottom upwards in the distance. lam afraid that the poor Old Vicar with two feet of water running through his study must be feeling rather rheumatic. Ha! there goes the whole hay-crop carried away over the lasher. I wonder whether I could get any salmon-fishing in those cueumber frames. If this weather continues, I really think a visit to town would be | desirable. See, here is the house-boat at the front door eome to take us to the station. Notion ror A Juventte Dramatic Art Scnoor.—The excellence | of Mr. Savrtie Crarke’scharming Zableaux Vivants (at 3°30, Anglo- Danish Exhibition) should suggest the idea to some enthusiastic Comedian—{why not to Mrs. KENDAL, the clever trainer of the Real Little Lord Fauntleroy !\—ot starting an Infant Dramatic School, as a real nursery for the Histrionic Art. The Fairy children here | are delightful, all so pretty, and evidently such very Good Fairies. | Mr. CLARKE only red m one mistake, which hardly counts, and that | was in representing the King as clothed. The whole point of ANDER- sEN’s story is the child exclaiming, ‘‘ Why, he has got on no clothes | at all!” “It was the Naked Truth v. Courtly Flattery and False- | hood. Miss Awnre Dexatour’s solo in the sixth tableau is well worth listening to; she is an invisible Fairy, as is Miss THorn- TON, who also sings prettily during the next tableau. So the pupils could learn music as well as acting, and would be instructed mm declamation by ‘‘ The Orator,” Mr. Grorex Temprxe, and enter themselves as ‘' Students of the Temple.” RicuMonD Parx.— Wantage Ground for Wolunteers.

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Avoust 4, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53 HOW TO GET OUT OF IT. [Oritie to Editor.—Dzan S1r,—You told me I “ mustn’t pitch into the new piece,” which I certainly should have done but for your kindly instruc- tions. I think I’ve managed the task rather neatly.—Yours, A. TRIMMER. *,* Asa model specimen of how to get out of saying that a piece is utter bosh from i | to end, we publish the accompanying in the interests of true Critical Art.—Ep.] WE heartily congratulate Messrs. Co.wyn MaLaprop and Trmorny Grayp on the triumphant success which attended the production of their new and origi Melodrama at the Oracle sure to run ml 4) | for at least li | fivehundred rH } | WW { } “ rT ee ——) nights, and , jj|| at the end of MIT that period no doubt the | | ii} two play- ||— wrights, |)! who work f together so |) harmonious- : ly, will have if) another |} piece ready to take its place. And when we say this, it must be clearly understood that we do not pledge ourselves that this last arrived of our entertainments is either new or original. As a matter of fact we have seen everything contrived by our authors a score of times before, and iit are sick to death of fo: bills, mislaid marriage certificates, and substituted children. We loathe deserted wives and sirenically influenced (if we may coin an epithet) husbands, and can see no fun in the low comedy of g a band-box, or gentle satire in speaking disrespectfully of somebody’s mother-in-law. But what of that, and what does it matter? Have not Messrs. Mataprop and ven us a good, healthy, honest, wholesome play, that will set the hearts of many a gallery boy (and, if it comes to that, of many a gallery lassie too) ting as hearts have ever beat since good old Father Adam walked through the Forest of Ardennes in the company of the melancholy Jacques? Ay, and it is so, and we heartily thank our authors for what they have done for us. In these days of mock sm and sham sentiment, it is a good thing to find that men can speak out, as it were, straight from the elbow, as readily in the Theatre as in the Church. Not that there is any particularly noble language in the piece under review. On the con- trary, the captious may think that Mabe/, telling her best-loved child to steal a shilling, accidentally left on the mantel piece, in order that she may pay the cabman “more than his full fare,” open to question on the score of morality. But what of that? What does it matter? The Authors are not writing for sour-visaged Puritans. but for good, sound-hearted, round-faced, honest Joun Butt, and his rosy-cheeked wife, and his giggling, girlish, and gentle-eyed daughters. Again it may not be altogether true to nature to make Major- General Sir Jonw AnercromsBy, K.C.B., dining at mess as the guest of Staff-Sergeant Tomxrys in full uniform afte the latter’s regiment, but if there is to be no poetic licence, beer may as well be abandoned and skittles rded as a game whose riles are lost for ever in the dim realms of a distant obscurity! For what do we go to a play-house? Assuredly not for SHaxspxaRe or the musical glasses, to say nothing of prunella! So long as the fare is sound at the core, what more can we want? And if the play of last night was not only improbable but impossible from the opening scene down to the end of the tag which was the signal for the lowering of the green baize curtain, surely the fact remains that the work was as sweet-scented as hay, and as homely as a bean feast or a barn-door fowl. Given this and what does the rest matter? As Othello GRAND r the inspection of | m observes, “‘ Not a jot, not a jot!” And the swarthy Moor of Venice was right. The great master who “thought him out” in the little | in Stratford-on-Avon was never wiser, never , never | e cant and nonsense when he wrote ‘‘hold up the mirror to nature to show vice her own i and virtue the habit in 0 which she lives,” or words to like effect. ‘* Sweet WILLIE” was indeed a j of the frailties of poor humanity! He knew that the flats must be “‘ joined,” the scenes painted with a ten-pound | brush. Rouge is a coarse figment, but cheeks are pale without it under the fierce glare of the blue-hued lime-light' Again, . the hypercritical may declare that acting is a lost art, and assuredly they would find some reason for their cross-grained assertion in the acting of last night. Mr. Avenue strutting ioaee and appealing to the chandelier with outstretched arms is not exactly the sort of hero we find in a modern drawing-room, nor is pretty Miss Hareafoot, in white muslin in a snow-storm the ideal heroine of nineteenth century romance. But what of that—both the lady and the gentleman are prime favourites with the Pit, and if the dwellers in the Stalls slumber, why then let it be more to their shame than to their glory! (ut upon the querulous guestioners of the likely and the commonplace ! hat do we want with their h i murmurings?’ Solong as the play is pleasant to the and healthy to the rstanding, we can do without the applause of the reviewers and the hearty enthusiasm of the burners of mi t oil. In conclusion what could be better than the title of the drama ? In selecting ‘ Siz-foot Rule Britannia,” our authors have shown a discrimination far above all praise. That it has nothing whatever to do with the motive of the ie is a detail unworthy of criticism. No, let us rest and be thankful. Let the play of night run a thousand nights—if possible longer. And when it becomes our pleasant duty to have to record its successor, may we be in a position to write a critique as valuable as that which with a hearty shake of the hand to all concerned—authors, actors, managers, and scene- painters—we now bring to a genial and weleome conclusion ! THE GREAT UNKNOWN. Tue stern-faced resolute old man once more approached the Treasury. e had been there several times before, but on this occasion there was a new Messenger at the entrance, and consequently there was a chance of his gaining admittance. ith some trepidation, he passed the porch unquestioned, and now he was on the to the being of whom he was in quest. ‘“*T shall see him,” he murmured, ‘‘ and prove to an unbelieving world that he is not a myth.” Almost with a smile on his pale harsh features, he knocked at a door and entered. ‘* No,” said the clerk whom he had questioned ; ‘*you have come to the wro' All we have to do is to look after the Divorce Division. We represent the Queen’s Proctor. If you want to intervene we will help you to do it, but we can’t go further than that.” ‘* But where shall I find him ?” asked the dis- tracted veteran. ‘* How should I know?” answered the official, testily ; and he turned to some one else. Portrait of the Pub- Disheartened but unconquered, the aged wan- __ lic Prosecutor. derer uttered a sigh and recommenced his search. He entered a second room and made his customary application. ia ‘* Now, really,” said an official who was busily engaged in dis- cussing a plate of sandwiches and a glass of sherry, *‘ it is several degrees too bad to worry a fellow at his lunch !” Surely you can tell me the name of your chief *” ‘The name of my chief is nothing to you,” was the brusque reply, “but I can tell you his office. He 1s Solicitor to the Treasury.” Baffled once again, the wandering greybeard retired to the streets, and sitting down beside a lamp-post, uttered a series of 2 mga yells. ‘‘ This is disgraceful!” exclaimed a passer-by. ‘' This man is a nuisance. Constable, arrest him!” : “* Very sorry, Sir, but I have not the power,” replied the police- an. ‘* Not have the power |!’ echoed the wrathful pavement promenader, and then he turned to the weeping white-head and observed to him, ‘“T have half a mind to take you before the Public Prosecutor.” ‘‘Take me before the Public Prosecutor?” repeated the now radiant investigator. ‘‘ Pray, do!” ‘* You would not like it!’ was the stern commentary. ““Would not like it!” For a moment the ancient could not for emotion, and then he continued—‘' Why, it would realise the dream of my life! But if you do, you must be a cleverer man than I am, for I have been hun for Public Prosecutor for the last twenty years, without being able to find him.” i . “Not find him! Why here is his portrait!” And with this the good-natured passer-by presented old man with the original picture, of which the sketch ornamenting this article is a rough, but not altogether unsuggestive copy ! = Aynorner “G. O. M.” ox THe Fretp vor Gattant Lirrir Wates.— Mr. Gz.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CHARITY BAZAARS. (Things one has to put up with, in & good cause.) lagarde de Sangrazul. “‘ Wit you TAKE A SHARE IN 1 ‘AH, MY DEAK, IF IT WAS ONLY You AS WAS GOING HE RAFFLE FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL Vase?” ro BE RAFFLED FOR, NOW, BLEST IF I WOULDN’T TAKE Forty ” HER MAJESTY’S SHIP “BLUNDERER.” ii uy Dockyard Ditty, as Sung by Cheery Jack. D’ye want to know the trimmest craft that might have sailed from When we went a manoeuvring, mates, in Eighteen-eighty-eight ;— \ regular tip-topper of Lord Grorer’s special sort, With every dodge aboard of her to bring her up to date ? Then listen as I tell ye first about her steady As proud she’d meet the Channel waves a slipping neatly under her : At near five knots an hour—not the speed to win a race ° May be: but that’s the record of Her Majesty’s ship Blunderer. \ record that, you ’Il say, my mates, it won’t take 2 much to beat, P’raps not, and like enough it is to stir a lands- man’s mirth ; But still her pace is all that she can manage, and the fleet lake precious care, when out with her, to give her a wide berth. For something in her steering-gear goes wrong, and then d’ye see She ter foul of another craft, whose == straightway Gasning in, She, after heavy loss and damage finally gets free, Her own three starboard boats and all her gun-ports gaily crashing in. But, there, mates, they had built her five-and-twenty years ago ; Se first they let her out a bit, and then they took her in, And cut her down, and patched her up, and made a sort of show Of giving her another inch or two wie skin. And so, mates, taking stoek of all her points both fore and aft, {her Although, d’ye see, it may be that you mightn’t have a doubt of It’s possible while thinking her a tidy sort of craft, That on the whole, if going a cruise, you ’d just as soon be out of her. So, if her boilers prime a trifle, mates, why, what’s the odds, Becos her engines and all that was put in second-hand ; And if her steam-pipe ’s leaky, and she busts her piston-rods, — Well, that’s the sort of thing, d’ye see, Lord stand. And if it comes to firing of her guns: then you may swear Each un’! start her breech and rings, and blow her blessed muzzle out ; ’Tain’t much. But going aboard of her ? But what’s the use ? puzzle out! And that’s the question, mates, I tries to Morat. So when these here manceuvres is all finished up and done, And Admirals and Captains stop their little larking fight,' And the chaps who write for papers have helped to make the fun, And talked big of the ‘‘ Enemy,” who never came in sight, It may be that ‘‘ My Lords,” when taking stock of recent slips, In duty to BerraNyi, since they take service under her, May manage just to wipe out from their coming list of ships, Such a racy roaring craft as Her Majesty’s ship Blunderer. — = ‘* Devourty To sE Wisnep.”—All good men, and true friends of Ireland, hope that the Irish leaders, by entirely clearing themselves | from all suspicion of come with crime, will rove that they are members of an honest National, and not Assassi-National League. Tue first person (singular!) to hear of Mr. O’Ketty’s arrest was Mr. Cuance. The Government, unable to give an answer when questioned, heard of it subsequently quite by Cuancre. What a lucky Chance! PerrervaL Motion ry Trararcar Sqvuare.—*' Move on!” | | JEORGE can under- | | | | | It ain’t that I don’t dare ; | YONITLLAS THE SMOINVISTAd ATW ALITY FIV Ts) "AT YANATSANIT

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI \ st 4, lsss == — \= 1S a | \ \ Va '

a SS 4 Ag ' N r . : bs } A , | i \ ; ef}! "| { =a SQ — nM \\ WN \ / Ls ~ Y/ « WS | aT /? | j % ait / \ / ‘ “ . - — ti vill |

] AN AFFAIR OF HONOUR. (SETTLING THE DISTANCES.

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Aveust 4, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 57 ——-_ SS iiiniiiwail i lt OUR NATURAL ADVANTAGES. M. le Comte (who has come to London for the Season of 1888 ARE AFRAID OF THE CHANNEL TUNEL! QUELLE BETISE! ‘SILVARE STREAK’ ZAT PROTECT YOU FROM ZE INVASION, MES YOUR SACRED DOG OF A CLIMATE!” ‘An BAH! Vy, IT I8 NOT YOUR AMIS! SONG ON SOUTH AFRICA. THERE is Ustserv, and there’s Diyizvu.u To be King of the Kaffirs pretending ; And one more little war looms in prospect—what for ? Lives and money the Government spending ! Usrperv, Drxizvw. Dusky antagonists, out upon you! And those pestilent Boers at our Colonists’ doors _Are preparing to level the rifle. If in conflict they close, we shall pay through the nose, At a cost like to prove not a trifle. Usrpepu, Dinizveiv, What bothers and Boers! To be taxed for you two! Tue Descent or Man,—by Parachute, out of Balloon, on Saturday last,—when “ Professor’? BaLpwin accom- plished the ‘‘ sensation” of deseending from a Balloon at the Alexandra Palace, when one thousand feet high, ‘‘ with,” to quote the words of the scientific person’s Manager, ‘‘ nothing but an umbrella to aid him in his deseent.”’ It is true that the ‘‘ umbrella” looked uncom- monly like an ordinary parachute, but for all that the leap seemed to be sufficiently dangerous to please the Many-headed. The ‘‘ Professor” (it would be interesting to identify his University—did he graduate in Skye ’ claims to ‘‘drop from the clouds with ease, grace, and rapidity.”” No doubt at all-times he will be able to insure the — jae of ae om. On | coon! he apparently lost_hi pelleen, t he did not lose his life. It t to be oat é never will, although precedent is against him. In the event of his getting some day a drop too much, or rather too many, it will be important to learn whether the coroner’s jury will bring in a verdict of misadventure, suicide, or murder. In the event of the latter, the Authorities, who could have prevented the accident but would not, may, perhaps, figure as accessories before the fact! LampetH ConFERENCE. — The Lawn-meets for the English and Colonial Bishops were so frequent, that Bishops in partibus will now be known as Bishops in garden-partibus. (N.B.—Especially when one omnibus took fourteen Colonials to one of these al fresco enter- tainments.) You Ir 18 PLAY TIME. THERE were to have been three Dr. Jekylls and Mr. Hydes in the field. One so far afield as the Croydon Theatre ; at least, so said the St. James’s Gazette young man last week. But in the meantime there have been injunctions and legal difficulties. Perhaps if the Law is satisfied there may yet be The Strange Story of Dr. Banp- FIELD and Mr. MansmMann, at the Lyceum Comique and Opera Lyceum. Regular muddle. It is long since the Opéra Comique had something in keeping with its title. The last time was when Opéra Bouffe, with full orchestra, was played there; now there’s no Opéra Bouffe, but only a BAND-MANN. One piece doing first-rate business in town just now is, I should say, Mr. Pryero’s Sweet Lavender, at Terry’s Theatre. And poe! so. Capital part for Terry, who plays it admirably, though occasionally dropping into exaggeration of style which woul be more suitable in burlesque. Mr. ALFRED Bisor as the kind old Irish Doctor is a life-like portrait ; and so too is Mr. Branpram THomas’s well made-up picture of the old remorseful Colonel, who has been a bit of a dog and a of a snob in his younger days. Miss CaRLoTtTa AppIsoN is the very ideal of the ‘‘lone and lorn one”— a still youthful Mrs. Gummidge—who lives to heap coals of fire on the head of her betrayer, or rather, to nurse him in his illness, and The. him his gruel, which she does with a will, and gives it him hot. fiss Maup Micuerr presents us with a pleasant sketch of the fresh young English girl, capitally contrasted with her second-class Yankee lover—for as she is not quite the typical aristocratic English girl, so he is not by any means a t of R ba superior American,—while her Aunt is represented by that clever actress Miss Vicror as an amusing specimen of a good-na vain, underbred middle-aged woman. The story—very interesting, and the plot well constructed, with one slight exception—seems to have been founded on the episode of Pendennis Salling is love with Fanny Bolton, the a ter of a Temple porter. Dick ree a superior kind of Eccles ; but all the same is a sketch from real life.’ Miss Norreys as the heroine, is, of all ingénues, a great deal too ingenuous. She is THACKERAY’S Fanny , only,—conscious of an audience. So simple and innocent does she strive her best to appear, that, not knowing the stery, I began to think she was a consummate little hypocrite, and that in the Second Act we should find she had been playing Sainte Nitouche, and should probabl y see her enjoying a champagne supper after the manner of the ‘pretty little souls” in Zhe Pink Dominoes and other kindred pieces. By straining to emphasize her ‘‘ Sancta Simplicitas,” she suggests the idea of such ‘‘ an artless thing” as was Miss Becky Sharp on quitting school. ‘lhe play, generally, suggests ToackeRay Theatricalised. The lover is uninteresting—lovers mostly are—and Mr. Pryrro delights in making this commonplace young man, who is very much in love, drop into sham poetry, and talking to Dick Phenyl—ot all persons! me ten ‘every beat of his heart saying Lavender ”’—** every news- paper-boy crying Lavender,” &c., &c., and all that sort of thing, which no young man in real life, unless he were an affected, «esthetic nincompoop, would ever dream of saying. When Tom Rosenrson gave us modern lovers on the stage he knew how valuable was the eloquence of silence, and how natural it was for an ordinary Society young man when deeply in love to be uncommonly taciturn. But Mr. Povero wants this sort of character to talk, and to talk a sort of Tenwnyson-and-water,—weak ‘‘T”’ in fact. These are trifles. The audience takes it for granted that lovers will talk nonsense, and though they do have their doubts as to the nuine simplicity of Sweet Lavender herself, and do not look orward hopefully to the future domestic happiness of her husband, yet on the whole they are thoroughly interested and return home per- fectly satistied with having passed an exceptionally pleasant evening. Obvious. We must get Jonn Buus business out of this kink, Officialdom’s credit must soon be restored ; Or in Civil corruption the or! will sink, And national honour will “‘ go by the Board.”’ AppropetaTe Date vor THAT BLEssIng In THE GUISE OF AN Avrumn Sreaston.—The Fifth of November.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aueust 4, 1888. FANCY PORTRAITS. ‘* GROCERIES.” ht Hon to the Freedom of the Grocers’ ( A SONG OF WILLOW. Mad: at ord’ 8 thu interval between tivo tremendous horrid Season of '88.) Ay! But miserable Thunder- ) showers in the Sune, ‘* Willow” ? wield The willow bat this wild, wet season, When, a sheer swamp, the cricket-field Is only fit to shake and sneeze on ? When smartest ‘* fielders” flop and plunge, When pluvial down-pour scarcely ceases ; When balls are pap, and pads are sponge, And ** creases’ simply water-creases ¢ Say who can cut, or drive, or slog, On black and bladeless mud-morasses ? Or bowl on wickets like a bog That has been trampled by wild asses ? Not Grace himself nor WaLrer Reap, The sodden lead-like lump of leather May urge across a miry mead After a week of such June weather. What chance, slime Even for A. G. Steer or Lonmann ? How should ** the Champion” place or time With Jupiter Pluvius for foeman ? Slow wickets help the bowler? Yes! But love mud-swamps? No, that’s an error. There may be too much muck and mess F’en for ‘the Tempter” or ‘‘ the Terror.” For topping score or brilliant catch, So bad a time I never saw, Sir; Fancy the Oxford-Cambridge match tunning four days, and then a draw, Sir! who twwo-hours’ may when “turf” means sticky \. J. Batrovr, M.P., and Sir Frepericx Lerouton, P.R.A., were admitted ‘ompany, Wednesday, July 25th.” We seek the field to funk and freeze, Oh, happy Surewssvury, Sroppart lucky, To be at the Antipodes Away from quagmires cold and mucky ! This is no time for tent and sward, But warm fire-side or cosy pillow. Sing Willow? Bah! the cheeriest bard Could only sing the Weeping Willow! EcciestasticaL Art.—An appropriate ex- hibition that the Archbishop of CANTERBURY ought to have sent or taken his clerical guests to see, was the pictures of Parsons and ABBEY. | Too late now, as last week was the last week | of the show. ‘YANKEE DOODLE IN A NEW CHARACTER. “ M. Ausgrt Wo rr, of the Figaro, bewails in his last chronique the number of masterpieces of | modern French Art which have been spirited across | the ocean by the magic of the American dollar, and irretrievably lost to the country.”"—St. James's Gazette. | YANKEE DOopLE comes to town, And you may bet a ‘‘ pony” He’s game to plank his dollars down For MILter or Moront. YanKEE Doopie buys up Art As though ’twere cheap as candy ; But tho the dilletant: smart, The do: come in handy. Yanxee Doopte all our best In Art and Books will collar, Our Masterpieces lures out West By the Almighty Dollar. The picture-dealers gladly part, The publishers say thankee! Only poor friends of native Art Cuss ‘‘ that confounded Yankee !”’ | YANKEE Doone cannot paint | (So run the critics’ strictures) But—’tis enough to vex a saint! He buys up our best pictures. When eaentr-theomnad pounds he’ ll “* part,” (Like Boston’s rich RocKFELLER), For an immortal work of Art, ’Tis like to find a seller. YankKEE Doopte he strikes oil, And then all Europe’s galleries The millionnaire proceeds to spoil | Despite our s and railleries, | Well, Yankee Plutus has the pelf,— | He makes “ collections ”__swell them !— One day he’ll paint big things himself, And then he’ li want to sell them!” THE GREAT ADVENTURER. Dear Mr. Punca, Tus is what has happened. She and I are really seriously attached to each other. She would make an adorable wife, and I’m | sure I’m designed for domestic happiness, as [t's always falling in love, which is quite beastly. It keeps me continually miserable : first, when the girls don’t care for me, an secondly, when they do. Boere (I eall her | Boers because she has such beautiful red hair) is a perfect girl, and we should cer- tainly be very happy, but when, in the most gentlemanly way, j told her father about it, he asked me a lot of impertinent questions about my income, which was really in the worst possible taste, as he knows very well |that I haven’t any. However, I’ve written |a poem, which, if not entirely original, is | adapted to circumstances with some skill, and [ think you will own that, even if it doesn’t | scan, it 1s quite true. The people who review books are always asking Why are there so many Minor Poets? I can tell them one reason. It’s because there are so many sordid fathers of the only girl a fellow ever really loves. He hinted something about an adventurer—like a man in a farce at a Matinée—so I call my poem, Love the Adventurer (only, unfortunately, he doesn’t). Here, however, is the effort :— LOVE THE ADVENTURER. When Love seeks a business-man’s daughter, His hopes he will dash By asking how he means to support her | Without any cash : The hat that is sat on You may have it blocked next day, But when the old man tries that on Love must get out of the way. You may warble love-songs in an agreeable | baritone, | You may wear small gloves of a mild canary- You may write for the papers, [tone Or have evolved the plot of a really new an original play ; But you ’ll only lose love’s labours ; You can’t make him see things your way. You may train the eagle To stoop to your fist ; 2 Though it’s quite another thing to inveigle The creature to desist.) You may move (with a crowbar) The Lioness to give o’er her prey ; But there is really no bar To the inquisitiveness of a proposed Father- in-law, in the matter of prospects and pay. Yours, in depressed circumstances, Lovetace LacKLAND.

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Aveust 4, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 9. L. Mrreoofasmnrg AT THE ‘TIMES v. CRIMES’ DEBATE IN THE COMMONS. with indignation because opportunity for discussing Ziserv v. Dist- ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. zULU refused. Got it now, and all charm vanished. House nearly EXTRACTED FROM empty; Debate pve out ; likely to lapse before pa ae Sy ; 4 So Sir Parnext paces the Lobby, his sword more than ever drawn ; i THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Otp MoraLity sits on Front Bench, and wonders what they ’re House of Commons, Monday Night, July 23.—Sir Parnecy with having for dinner at Grosvenor Place ; GLapstowe hurries back after O14 drawn, walking about Lobby, waiting for Oro Moxauiry.|what must have been a Barmecide feast; names of Zireerv and th Morauiry, longing to be at ’em, foregone his dinner rather | Drxizviv float through hazy atmosphere; everyone thinking of 40 miss oppc ty of pinking Sir ParweLt. Second Reading of , matters nearer home. ill expected on any moment. Opening first made for| Zulu Debate dies out. O1p Moraxiry moves Second Reading of Debate on affairs in Zululand. Last ,week, Opposition trembling | Parnell Commission Bill. Same old speech. Desire to consult the

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| necessary to carry debate over.

——, [Aveust 4, 1888,

f Members, and welfare of the country ; deeply eplored: did not desire to utter a single ex- : and believed; command full and the advantage of the country; the onvenience of the House. Otp Moratiry sat down, suffused with moral rectitude, and wondering whether he might not now slip out to dinner. PaRwE.t, male and passionate, rushed straight upon finn, ‘like BovutanyeEeR upon Frocky,” as Josern Grits said. Maintained himself at white heat of passion through long speech ; confidence trusted | occasionally turned aside from OLD Mokatiry to Atrornney-GeneraL. Irish Members cheered every thrust ; save for Irish quarter, House still comparatively empty. “All of them comfortably getting their | dinner,” said Ory Moratity with a weary sigh, glancing round empty benches. After dinner House rapidly filled up. Eleven o’clock not a seat to be had; side- galleries crowded ; Peers’ Gallery thronged ; CHartes Rousset, thumping away at his learned friend the Home SercRETARY ; | Epwarp Crarkxe followed on other side; Sage of Queen Anne’s Gate said what was A curious, awkward, ill-managed arrangement of busi- ness, which served nobody’s purpose and necessitated appropriation of enother night. Business done.—Parnell Commission Bill discussed. Tuesday.— Black -™ at his jokes again. F anny at first, butatrifle monotonous; rather : yells upon House towards end of Session. a. Joke is to hang about door till Commons get into thick of business ; then send in doorkeeper to bellow ‘‘ Black Rod!” Began the Session with tripping up a Minister. Fastened now on Sage of Queen Anne’s Gate. Came in upon him the other night when putting a question. To-night Sage just launched forth in kis indictment of ATTORNEY- General re O’DonnELL versus Times, when Black Rod appeared. Business peremptorily interrupted; Speaker and Mace go off to Lords to see Lonp CHANCELLOR and other old women in cloaks bow- wowing on Woolsack. Black Rod introduced new piece of business to-night. Sent door- keeper in to baw! ‘‘ Black Rod!” just as House was loudly cheering Sage. Doorkeeper’s shout consequently drowned in uproar. Nobody heard it. Black Rod entered practically unannounced. Sage, wi his back to the door didn’t see him enter. Proceeded with remarks. “Order! order!” cried the Speaker, who had spotted Black Rod. ‘Well, Sir,” said Sage, apolo- - getically, ‘‘I was only desiring to point out—— “Order! order!” shouted the | SPEAKER.

“* Certainly, Sir, I will bow to your decision, though I really don’t know “ “Order! order!” roared the Speaker, with his eye on Black Rod advancing towards the table. Sage, looking round in bewil- derment, at this fresh exhibi- tion of Spkaker’s interference with freedom of speech, caught sight of Black Rod. His jaw fell, eyes assumed g stare dropped into seat as if he had been shot. ** Life would be endurable only for its Peers,” he said, when he recovered presence of mind. ‘The Lords pursue me even in the House of Commons.” ** Curious thing,” said Black Rod, winking at 58 t-at- Arms, as they crossed Lobb in procession. ‘Always fin Lazy on his feet when I chance te look in at Commons.” Parnell Commission Bill de- 2 es bated CHAMBERLAIN, not often Just in Time. heard now, arrived just in time to speak. A model speech, full of point through its forty minutes, saying exactly what he had at heart in clearest , and with irresistible force. Whether one agrees with him or not, an intellectual delight to listen. Incomparably the ' | best debater in House. Not an orator like Giapstone, but stil] |unapproachable as a debater. Fancy CHAMBERLAIN profits by recent |infrequency of his speeches in House. Have time and opportunity | to compare him with more familiar speakers. Remember what he said in far off June days at Birmingham? Was it fifty years ago, or only three ? “T sometimes think that great men are like great mountains, and that we | do not appreciate their magnitude while we are still close to them. You have | to go to a distance to see which peak it is that towers above its fellows ; and it | may be that we shall have to put between us and Mr. GLADSTONE a space of | time before we shall know how much greater he has been than any of his competitors for fame and power.” Similarly, but not precisely, the conditions under which Cuamsrr- LAIN now occasionally speaks in House give. opportunity for appre- ciating his quite unique position asa debater. All night long, all through the weary week, men make speeches round about a subject. Then CHAMBERLAIN comes in and talks. As PLUNKET says, “A wonderful difference between a man wno has a speech to make, and a man who has something to say.” Business done.—Parnell Commission Bill read Second Time. Thursday.—‘‘ Demme!” says Markiss o’ Gransy, ‘‘ Buxton’s put spoke in wheel of Black Rod.” Simile perhaps not quite perfect. but de- scription fairly accurate. Buxton asked how long we’re to have Black Rod bursting in on House like a venerable catapult ? OLD Moratity says he’s been talking matter over with Lorp CHancettor. Arranged that sug- gestion made by his Hon. Friend Tony, M.P. a fortnight ago, shall be adopted. Black Rod to do his bursting in before public business commences in Commons. This, of course, takes all the fun out of the thing. Not be worth while turning up now if he can’t interrupt a Minister answering question, or intercept the storied wisdom distilled from lips of Sage of Queen Anne’s Gate. *‘ Another of our treasured gone,” says CAVENDISH BENTINCK. will have nothing left worth living for.” Batrovur had four bad quarters of an hour at Question Time. Irish Members bubbling up all round him, snapping out interrogatories. Batrovr took them all round—one down another come z on. Imperturbable throughout, only <. ae jan added hardness of manner, a degree The Markiss o’ Granby. | or two more frost in his tones, indicating severity of contest. | Op Moratrry announced arrangements for winding up first part lof Session. Expects House to be up on 11th of August. To that | end proposes programme which, if carried out, would keep House at work tin Christmas. Programme in point of magnitude much more like Queen’s Speech on opening Parliament in February than sug- gestions of Leader of House closing up tracks at end of July. **Tt’s all right, you’ll see,” said OLtp Moratrry. ‘‘ Remember in younger days, when I was still attendant at a seminary, we used, for the perfection of our style of caligraphy, carefully to copy out re- marks lithographed at the top of a ruled page. One of these, I remember, ran to the effect, Throw plenty of mud, and some of it will, in all human probability, adhere. That ’s the principle upon which, animated as | am bya desire to meet the convenience of Hon. Members, and conserve the interests of the public service, I lay before the House this somewhat extended programme. We shall not t through with it all; but we shall emerge having achieved more than if we essayed to do less. In other words, as we used to write in the days already alluded to, If you aim at the stars, you may iy in sending a stone through the windows of the second-pair Business done.—Report Stage of the Local Government Bill. Friday.—Local Government Bill through final ae in Commons. Four Peers, representing Upper House, playing whist since Seven o’Clock, waiting for Bill. Stout and long pipes supplied out of Civil Service Estimates. Half-an-hour after midnight word came B was through Commons, and compliments going on all round. Four Peers put away cards, finished stout, | ym attendants with broken pipes, and marched into Lords. e took a seat in front of Woolsack, and presided, three others 5 nee themselves as much as possible about Chamber, and formed a House. Bill, solemnly brought in, ordered to be read a First Time. House adjourned. ; ‘* Have another rubber?” said Noble Lord, who had pss “Think not. Getting late. Besides, we have fini the stout. So they went home. ; jo taba a Business done.—Local Government Bill read Third Time in | Commons, and First Time in Lords. institutions ee So soon

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i 1* See] I=kaa #= | 2 ete | Feast ear = Auevust 11, 1888.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61 | ati | Nl \\ i } | Ww iu ; ality \\ THE PARACHUTE. Lively Aéronaut, ‘‘Happy TuHovcut! Biowep rir I'LL coms Down TILL THE WEATHER CHANGES !” TWO AMERICAN “EYE-OPENERS.” (“Still Alarm” at Princess's, and Still More Alarming ai Lyceum.) Eye-Opener No. 1.—On the first night of The Still Alarm, after the sensation scene in Act III., representing ‘‘ The Central Fire Station, New York,” the actors were called before the Curtain, so was the author, who didn’t a t least I didn’t see him—and so were the horses, one of which was led on to bow its acknowledg- ments. The burning and shining fire-engine, which also received the honour of a summons, modestly remained behind the Curtain, as did also the meditative gre — whose part in the piece stood out | Tuner I far more than that of Mr. CHOLLS, who as a good young man tried his yery best to be funny, but despairing of success, recourse to pretending to play the bones with a couple of spoons, then a tray as a tambourine, and finally his hat as a concertina, and at last findi that these original devices somewhat failed in their object, he ae during the remainder of Miss Fanny Lxsiie’s solo dance, into moody silence, evidently wondering within himself why he had ever been born, and bitterly meditating on the hollow absurdity of the old pro- verb which asserts that ‘‘ Necessity is the mother of invention.” If ever there were a moment when the necessity for doing somethin: y humorous was imperative, wasn’t it now on this first night o: The Still Alarm ? The style of Mr. Lacy, who plays the hero, is something between of a sententious American urer the ‘* Massa Jonnson ” of every Nigger Minstrel troupe. He is supposed to represent, says the programme, ‘‘ An American fireman of to-day,” aud if he does 8, correctly, then, however active and spry the ‘‘ American Fireman of to-da y’’ may be in answer to a call (not before the Curtain, but to @ fire), his manner in private life is marked by a peculiar kind of squirming action, coupled with a drawling, sing-song, nasal intona- tion, which, if intended to be irresistibly fascinating, singularly fails in attaining its object. Whatever may be the attitude of Mr. Harry Lacy 8 Jack Manley towards others, be it of love or hate, there is one person with whom he is always evidently on the very best of terms, and that person is—himself. The best performance in this old- ha ned piece (which only differs from most of this kind in not ving a wicked in the dramatis persone—but then Baronets, | or wicked, are not indigenous to New York) was that of Mr. H. ARKER as the en actor. He reminded me of BenJamin H EBSTER in Janet Pride, with a considerable touch of Mr. Grorex ONRY as Eccles in Caste. Of course, the Fire-piece will draw on account of this one scene, which is well worth seeing, as a practically vivid illustration of the rapidity with which a fire-engine can be turned out, fully equi , at the shortest possible notice, in the Central Fire Station of New York. The action, by the way, seemed to me rather incomplete, as the engine was driven off by Jack Manley alone, and the firemen were left behind to form a tableau at the descent of the Curtain. The orchestra ought to introduce ‘‘ Sound an Alarm!” into the overture. Eye- Opener No.2. ‘* The Strange Story of Box and Coz ; or, A Puzzle for Bouncer” at the Lyceum.—I must defer my criticism on The Strange Story until I have quite recovered from the awful jumpy, creepy, crawly effect produced on me by Mr. Mansrre.p’s extraordinary performance last Sa’ y night. ‘And is Old Double dead?” Heis, and he isn’t. ‘ For O it is such a norrible tale!” as Mr. E. L. BLancnarp used tosing. Ugh! Ugh! Lights there! What ho! Lights, I say! ‘‘ Why, being gone, I am Dr. Jekyll again!” I read the book long and quite forget why Dr. Jekyll’s inferior self is called Mr. Hyde. gave him that name? But more of this anon, when I have had time to review'it calmly. Now it’s all Hyde and Hanwell, and Quilp as Grip the Raven, raven mad, crying, ‘“‘I’m a devil! I’m a devil!” Mr. MANSFIELD looked so like the late Mr. Creswick, that most middle- aged play-goers must have expected him to turn into SHerrarp. The Strange Story of Sheppard and Creswick! ! It is a ghastly extravaganza, with a marvellous ‘‘ transformation scene.” So slight is the human interest in the that it might as well have been puesused at the Egyptian Hall o: M , as The Strange Story of essrs. Maskelyne and Cook. Hush! ’tis the Night Watch! Put out the lights! close the shudders—ah !—I am not Dr. Jekyll nor Mr. Hyde,.but still Yours tremblingly, = Jycg-ry-rnx-Box. Frank Holl, RF. BORN JULY 4, 1845. DIED JULY 31, 1888. Too early taken, whilst the eager hand, ~~ skill at will, - ape = fom command, A Painter passes, who so is part As to do honour high to lish Art. ae | the stroke upon Art-lovers falls, F from admiring gaze around the walls Where hung the latest triumphs of his brush, The Master who has fallen in manhood’s flush, With powers unimpaired, though late o’erstrained, Tasks incomplete, ambitions half attained. Yet when doth Art not fail of its full aim ? Enough hath been achieved for lasting fame. A memory thine that mocks at death and fate, Great English limner of our English Great ! SHAKSPEARE IN THE Nortu.—Our Divine WILL1aMs was a thorough sportsman. He was devotedly attached to sport on the 12th. Didn't e write an entire play about a Moor? Hasn’t he provided all Grouse-shooters with the motto for the 11th, ‘‘ Now will I hence to seek my lovely Moor’? Why certainly. JEUNE POUR LA JEUNESSE ! Mrs. Jeune, writing to the Editor of Truth, makes the fol- lowing appeal (which Mr. Punch gladly seconds) on behalf of her Children’s Boarding-out Fund :— “ May I make one more appeal for a little extra help for "~ Boarding-out Fund? Through the kindness of rom readers and my friends, I have rec: ived £363 13s., and with that money have sent 386 children to the country at a cost of £303 4s. ld. But the holidays are beginning next month, and I have 200 more waiting anxiously to know whether they are to have the much- dreamt-of, or longed-for holiday. Will your readers help me to send them? One pound sends a child for three weeks. How much health and happiness that little sum represents, perhaps we can never fully realise. But we may take it on the word of those who, perhaps, can ea Oe no money is better spent—no good more unalloyed than that which gives the little London children their country holiday.” One pound sends a child for three weeks to the fields ! A fiscal fact this for us all to remember, How seldom a sovereign such interest yields! Three weeks, mark, in August, or e’en in September. British Public stump up to a right handsome tune, And make Autumn fulfil the fair ‘* Promise of Jzuwx.”’ Cookery For Tovrists.—Consult the menus issued by the Travel- 'ler’s Guide, Philosopher, and Friend, Tuomas Coox, the Chef of | Coox axp Sons. Too many Coox’s tickets don’t spoil the journey— on the contrary, they improve it, and they ’ll show you how to make the best use of a very wide Range. VOL. XCV, 6

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PUNCH, 1 Followers” Nor my Broruer, Old udy down upo Maid No, 'M. . ‘*Tuat younc MAN WHO Is JUST GOING OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 11, 1888, “THEEFLATTERING TALE.” M'UM,—WHICH HE’s A youNG Man, M’cuM I SUPPOSE, —MOST is your BrorHer, JANE?” JACK AT THE WINDLASS. Dibd the Day.) l vda ple it Come, all hands ahoy to the anchor! | Manceuvres are now all the go. | Land-lubbers whose hearts are all rancour | On Britain’s sea-glories would blow. They say foreign foes would just kick us About on the boisterous main ; But these shore-going 7imons won't trick We've licked, and can lick ’em again. | With a will, ho! | | | Our sea-trim has altered, we know ; But we ’re in for’t, then dash it, what folly, Yo-ho! We look rum in a hulk and our rigging, Some Aare gone ashore, and some sunk. The For to be down-hearted ! Warrior went winkle-digging, The Sandfly went wrong ; but why funk ? The old Wooden Walls are slap out of it, Iron is now all the rage. Some blunders we’ve made—there’s no doubt [of i L Se did Old Salts, Ill engage. With a will, ho! &e. Wer Old England expects us to win ; | But doesn’t much mind how they tax him, So there’s something to show for his tin. Do you think Jack will sulk or turn craven ? | », no! he will work, fight, and smile, Same with big war-hulks at Berehaven, As with old wooden ships at the Nile. With a will, ho! &e. | | Here's me, now, aboard of the Ajaz, wr fun or for fighting agog : then pull away, jolly boys, [boys, ust go with the times; that’s my maxim. Butt knows how to find, and to pay, Jacks, And Jack ’s game for glory or grog. Once to handle a blade and hitch trousers, Sufficed Jack for talents and charms ; 3y Benznow, that will not do now, Sirs, | In these days of whopping big arms! With a will, ho! &e. | The Gunner must now be no bubber, Straight shooting as Science is classed ; | The Steerstaan must not be a lubber, Our ships are so big and so fast! No jollity, Nancy-love, wrapp’d in, No fondness for fighting and flip, Will now fit a fellow to Captain That marvel an why Ship. With a will, ho! &c. Some praise our new ships, some abuse them, They’re ugly, no doubt, as they’re big ; What Jack has to do is—to use them. He’ll do it too, boys, dash my wig! JacK never was known for a railer, We’re here for rehearsal—no joke! But to do his darned best show your Sailor, it,| Be hulls built of iron or oak. With a will, ho! then pull away, jolly boys, Our sea-trim is altered we know ; But spite some big blunders, ’twere folly, boys, For to be down-hearted! Yo-ho! us, ALL THE Dirrerence.—Mr. J. | TON, in his new volume on Danret O’ConneELL, | warns us not to judge the great Irishman | | ‘* by an English standard.” What the present | Irish leader objects to be judged by is not |so much an English Standard as an English | | Times. | one month only,” in eight! |The hundred and ninety-four miles to York A. Hamiz- | ON THEIR METALS. Tue G. N. R. and the L. & N. W. R. are making a race for it to the north, and eclipsing all previous records in fast railway travelling. i future the Euston ‘‘ Scotch- man” will get to Edinburgh in eight anda half hours, and the King’s Cross one, “ for A month of such steeplechasing is quite enough for anybody. done without a break !—or rather, with only a continuous automatic break. Sportsmen, going north, instead of singing ‘‘ My Heart’s | in the Highlands,” will feel inclined to sing, | “* My Heart’s in my Mouth.” And whats to prevent the ‘‘one month only” from be- coming the Great Northern’s ‘‘ permanent ig R'SPECT BLE, M’uM,—As I'VE ’OPES OF ! way”? Wenotice that the North-Westem interval for dinner at Preston will be reduced to twenty minutes—twenty minutes allow for shunting the hungry traveller into the | tefreshment Room, coupling him to a meal of three courses, and shunting him back | again. In fact, you first bolt into the Re-| \freshment Room, and ther bolt in tim leat in haste and repent at leisure. Why| not call these new train-services a training | in dyspepsia ? A Case or Grovse Insvstice,—it will be, | if anyone goes out shooting on Sunday the 12th, which is a ‘*‘ Dies Non.”’ The trans- lation of this, ride Cheeper edition, is, ‘To | day a Grouse dies not.” | INFALLIBLE CURE FOR CorPULENCE.—The ** Sweating System.”

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Avoust 11, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. WW f mm mw u ' ‘ v ne . —— i } \ : ' ¥ ‘ n = OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 10. ; dint > -DC) nox E ; a . a A ROW IN THE HOUSE DURING ‘TIMES v. CRIMES” ——— DEBATE COMMITTEE. IN ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, July 30.—‘ Tony,” said OSEPH GILLIS, in a broken voice, whilst a tear ran down his cheek _ fell upon his watch-chain, where it stood like the dewdrop on t > collar of gold that Maacut wore which he won from the proud rg pa osy, I don’t know whether you ’re of a musical turn, ut, if you can give me the key-note, I should like to sing what we |used to call in Parry, Nunck Dimity. |long or short, I can i Whether the Session be zace ; to-night’s done me a power of ood. Thought I’d never look upon the old scenes again. But it’s — the right sort of thing. Cheered me withered heart, made me feel ten years younger. Excuse me, but the Srzaker’s up, going through the Orders, and I must go and object.” Truly Jory is translated. The old gleam in his eye, the old swin in his stride, the old rigidity of the forefinger extended to ‘* object.’ Thought he was reformed, but only suffering from lack of opportu- nity. As Henry Fow er said the other day, when I was speaking to him of the change, ‘‘ Scratch Joseru Griuis, and you’! find Biooar.”’ 0 now in

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——

ase PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |

<n

[Avevusr 11, 1888,

————- = ——— _ f° on till Gorst had finished

A very lively night. Began at Question Time, when Parnellites | made dead set at Batrovr, with occasional raids upon the Chair. But this nothing to deve- lopments in Committee on Parnell Commission Bill. Benches crowded; inter- ruptions constant ; cheering and laughter incessant. Impressive scene when Har- court thought he heard a smile from Gorst. 8& short in speech; wouldn't is smile, and assumed customary judicial air. Wilder still when, just on stroke of midnight, Cuam- BERLAIN spoke. ‘Pickle getting peppery,” said CHARLES FOoRsTeER. * Think I'll strut off whilst coast clear. Not so lithe as I was; still, lithe enough.” Five minutes to Twelve when CHAMBERLAIN sat down. Covurtyry about to put question, when PakwELL aout rose from below Gangway. Debate must needs peremptorily close at midnight. What could PaRNELL say in four min- utes?’ A good deal more than was pleasant for some to hear. Turned upon ae CHAMBERLAIN with placid menner, smiling countenance, and bitter tongue ; trickled down upon him stream of vitriol. Drop by drop it fell, searing and burning. Only four minutes to say it all in. But had finished before Big Ben broke in with sound of midnight. Irish Members leaped up in tumult of uncontrollable delight. Above the roar, like shout of mob thirsty for some one’s blood, rose cry of “‘Jopas! Jupas!” This was Tay Pay’s contribution to harmony of sitting ; subsequently withdrawn, and apologised for. But what of that’ Cowypeanrg, the great authority on points of honour, has established code in this matter accepted in sympathetic circles. As he has written, ‘* the withdrawal of an unparliamentary ex- yression does not do away with the effect produced by using it, and dees not imply any alteration of a deliberately expressed opinion.”’ Business done.—In Committee on Commission Bill. Tuesday Night.—Debate on Commission Bill on again. Seems to have been a mistake somewhere. General im- pression was that Parnet had been doing some- thing; midnight assassination, moonlighting, houghing of cattle, or some other nocturnal diver- sion. Turns out House assembled, not to consider ssibility of Parwett’s guilt, but certainty of ‘HAMBERLAIN’S. At opening of proceedings Par- NELL appeared in position of Public Prosecutor. Got CHAMBERLAIN in dock, and publicly pum- melled him. House amazed, sat call listened with open mouth. : “T sup ,” said Lewis Petry, his hair rising Pelly-melly, and uplifting his hat, “‘we shall next have a little pamphlet on Chamberlainism and Crime.” ’ Parwett more than hints that Caamper- LAIN when Cabinet Minister was playing fast /, and loose with men steeped to the lips in 1. erime. Quite an unexpected treat this. | House summoned to debate on troublesome Bill, suddenly found itself treated to piquant dish of scandal. Every seat occupied. Mem- bers standing at Bar, leaning over gallery,

“ Still lithe enough.”

flocking behind Speaker’s Chair. CHam- BERLAIN as quiet and collected as PARNELL. Admits he had communications with Lrish Chief between 1880 and 1885. But interviews were sought by PAaRweLt, and what passed faithfully reported to GLADSTONE. ei = Through both narrativesold friend, O’Sxza, “ Pelly-Melly. fits. CHAMBERLAIN says O'SHEA was Par- NWELL’s agent in arranging interviews. Parwert says O’Suea

arrived at one of the interviews whilst he was there with Justix McCarruy. It’s all O’Suea. Seems to have been impartial acest for both sides.

‘“*That’s all very well,” says CamppeLt-BaNNERMAN. “‘ But we mustn’t forget the old axiom. What says Coxe upon Lirrieton—or was it Lrrrieron upon Coxe ? on as per alium, facit per Sura,” After CHAMBERLAIN - PARNELL fizzleover, Debate on Commission Bil] | went forward. Proceedings decidedly explosive. Epwarp Warxry | who knows something about railways, says inded him of nothing so much as train approaching station on foggy afternon. Fog. signals exploding ovary two minutes. Orp Moraxiry had terribje time. Appears that Water, of Zimes, happened to call at Gros. venor Square, whilst preparations for,Commission Bill going forward. Interview aiies whatever to do with Bill. An old friend just passing by, looked in to say “‘ Howdy?” Bill might have been men- tioned ; but so was the weather. O’Smxa seems to have had nothing | to do with this meeting. Position nevertheless harped upon till (zp | Moratiry loses his temper ; frankly tells of Queen Anne’s Gate | he’s another. Sage much hurt at this wild guage, but on ground | that Op Moratrry is unduly excited, imously forgives him, Business done.—Parnell Commission Bill in Committee. Wednesday.—Matters livelier than ever. JoserH Grits skipping about like a young lamb. Flits from side to side, in and out by the door, across the lobby and back again. “* Not precisely up to usual style of Puck,” says AtsEent Roi, looking onadmiringly. ‘‘ But,—everything going wrong, everybody by the ears and Josep Gituis hopping around—reminds me of scene in the wood. Expect to find him catching Chairman’s eye and saying as he skips, ‘‘ Mr. Courtney, Sir; Up and down, up and down ; I will lead them up and down: I am fear’d in field and town ; Goblin, lead them up and down !’’ | Tr Heaty wanting to know more about Otp Moratiry’s morning callers. ‘‘ How about this visit of Watrer?” says Tr, as if he were inquiring whether the grocer had called ; ‘ at BuckLe—what did Buckie call for? Wat.rer, we know, was an old friend. Was Buck an old friend ? ” GLaDsTONE in terribly high spirits. Thumps the box, shakes his fist at Goscuey, and nearly talks himself hoarse. GoscHEn affected almost to tears. Then Harcourt comes in, big and blatant, roaring and rampant. Lov, standing on guard at lobby-door, bringing up the British Constitution in the rear whilst his father leads it in the van, hears the parental voice and is soothed. Closure moved: CouRTNEY puts question ; declares ‘‘the Ayes have it!”; Parnellites bellow ‘‘No!” Division threatened; Gtap- stone shakes his head in token of dissent. Question put again. Parnellites sit dumb; only O’Hanton up in the side gallery with small day-book on his knee roars ‘‘ No!” | O’ Haston in the grocery business when tem- porarily out of politics. Rather neglected home affairs of late. Thinks opportunity favourable for making up accounts and lost time, So finds snug corner in gallery, brings out day-book and bill-heads, pegs away for an hour, Getting on with work nicely when Closure incident comes on. Hears his friends shout ‘* No!” when question put. Doesn’t observe GLaD- | STONE'S signal of dissent; goes on making out his bills. Meets Courrney’s reiterated assertion that ‘the Ayes have it!” with steady shout of ‘**No!” All eyes turned upon him. og) pe down another half-pound of sugar to Mar Maroney, 13, Main Street, Derry, when House cleared for Division ; then emissary sent up to explain situation, O’Hanton sees it all; Question again put; sits mute as harp on Tara’s wall; Closure agreed to and sitting ' adjourned. Business done.—Committee again. Friday, 1°30 A.w.—Commission Bill through at last. A dull sittin compared with those that had gone before, varied |) apa of breac of privilege against Times. Been saying things of GiapstonE, JoHN Mortey, and even of Harcovrr! Talk de igned with more than usual plainness to pass away time. Arranged that at One o’Clock this morning, whatever Clauses left should be put without debate. Scene expected at One o’Clock ; impatiently awaited ; nothing came of it; CourtTNEY put Clauses one by one; no one said him nay, and s0 Bill passed through Committee. Esstemont (in the drapery business at ae emulous of O’ HANLON’s success _— ~ nday, Cot —~ corresponding position in opposite gallery; produced day- an bill-heads ; worked away, intending to challenge Division on Clauses. Splendid advertisement for Essetwowt and Macxrwrosn. ‘‘ And s0 cheap,” the canny Scot observed to himself. At last moment heart failed him. Clauses passed, and opportunity missed.

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eR See pote > tel ..—Aveusr 1], 18 IVA! a 5 ABLES ah | TTF Ade ILE > . se CHAI "Add LONDON THE > OR ’ 64 a f CTF: 42? a —~+-4 PUN A te (WWNbiny ge Reon

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‘"SLOHOVUVd AUVLINANVITVd SIH HALIM GIHOLIN WOSsTAodd i GHANV'I —— = = SSS Ses ae Os \ ns Waa pas Wity mt

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Aveust 11, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ow he folding up day-book in gratuitous cop 0 Oe etait Ti Salding we. a7 oe Sete oot THE PARLIAMENTARY PARACHUTE. Great muster of embers for divisions. ees pcere Ti, PARLIN Pleasure (?) Grounds, on the occasion s the meas eh rw ieiomenee of that rising (by pow - cP aéronaut and acr essor Rircuie. No, boy,” _ CunisroraEe, with Prior eveaking. day Jenguer, First Gazer oe impartial and inquisitive). Will he do it, do over. Sold my lib’ = doncha. Fine collection, “unel by Sir Man |¥ you think ?

asail Manx-Reid-Leaan- | Second G. ( Why, of course he will ! ome hy pled orn aaa useful ro yt pe det } together {Wh Why of course he won't! Crust essen ell, anyhow, pe he won’t hu mse wt 3 ee a ye? in faces. Remember my. Second G. Hart bimecif? Not b he! One of the skilfullest acrobats

, in the country, Sir. Knows what Ae’s about, I can tell you. lib'ry.’ ia $ t doit now Cons bey. Goent saceaee Se eee Oona |. Fy ay G. onsense; Sir’ Never intends to do it. Ai a put-up jo re? e public x Ra rae Biling toaee by way of y= Army and ao . Well, but I don’t quite see the pull of that, don’t you nearly X. 5 jet ms ny A to go ag Sat till nearly| Second G. (scornfully). Don't you, though? Why, you must be

Two o’Cloe t sum of Seven | jolly innocent, you must. He’ll the Gate Money, and we shall Millions odd. Very ‘dull Ne uestion involved. Only the ia the J Simple cash exoep t to simpletons. Millions aforesaid. Business _— in Supply. Fourt G. (old-fashioned Ti ory). Wall, I don think such exhibi- tions ought to be allowed. Catt think what Government can be about not to interfere. The performance, Sir, is both dangerous and OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. demoralisi sing. In Our Celebrities—Swanw anv SonnescHern—M. Watery has a as Wes, ve come to see it, anyhow. . ity). Sir, my mations in so differ from photograph of Mr. Grapsro reddish glow of jarha a = s =, 6 Toon and. some. of his| ose of the mob. hate mobs. yy. business is recent associates, or of a Grand Old Sunset. Then next in o is

. to the ee that I it. Iam here to—well, t er 18/ in Es psnt of fact Fe Bectedly) By Jove he’s off! Sir AL@kRNON BorTHwick meditating on the strange laws of News- ’ . a paper Libel; and thirdly, Mr, @ , Priva dryly. Not Not. yet! see you ’re going to * protest

k Lewis in resplendent gaiters| yj; 3 with a craumentel vars ca vase on the table ble by | his we whisk is probably | The orn “ce ou. However ou — ye ot eo ¢ , eae ae jean eee omens be oom gal knowledge med, or something perfunctory will be fobbed of L, E.'s jokes are, be postpo prety tm en faye wy eh at G. L of on the public intend ofthe real thing wiih there re Mz. a and — of the Day, in ae fay th of tay. tthe sort, Bir. I happen to know which a rs, GLADSTO: clearly o n ve I suspect, x from her husband th this year of ; A years when they are iy ® rival Show, and pooh-pooh this performance because

it is not own programme. Golden Unionists. She looks remarkabl , either at being in the company ef aaah photos as that of A dmiral Third G. eee). Not in our e? Why we've had the distinguished real Shing in in reserve for ears, with a far better artiste than yonder Hewett, .V.C.,and Dr. RicurEr, or at the idea of being re-united t to| fumbler ready to accom it, caly—theaks to fellows of atm sort Mr. G.,” when the volume is bound up and the photos are re-united. —we've besa ee it to the Public. The Universal Review, keeps up its fame for brilliancy,—you ’ve @. Oh, ah _ I dare <a, roe hat s always your cry. only got to see it on a table, that’s enough. Good matter within, but oy G. ‘gprectingy Well, Gentlemen, ie He's *t ‘quarrel. lacking in that touch of genuine humour which made even Mr. | inst ahont to be the matter re Beatiog will be settled Haweis quite lively fora time. Davpet’s latest novel is an impor- 1 than you tant foaan 5 of course, Lord WotseLey’s Courage animates the in ebenb » minute te better byab of argument. Fortnightly —whose motto is, pro Harris et focis—but the Nineteenth} Third G. (together). Ah! now you'll see!

—well here I must drop into poetry : = Fourth G ** Uncommon number,” says Baron DE B., First G. By Jove, he’s off! Looks'awful like that doesn’t ‘Is this month’s Nineteenth Centuree.” he? Cool’as a cucumber though, ow the balloon ** Offices Public” by Biackwoop, with shoots up! Isn’ t he going too far? the string! The ‘**Merrikin Statesmen” by GoLpwry Sarru ; balloon colla Great Heavens, he’s . oa —he’s falling like a ** The Pom: ur,’’—not of the stage, but very stone !—he’ p= to pieces!!! No!—the Parachute does Real,—by e. BLAze DE Bury. aaiteleghp—cteality Hoss 1! !—he floats quietly downwards This name, so on — wes geite dazzles x | gare, ike a a5 get & © head of edown! Wonderful!! Beau- Should send up the M bang—all ablaze! tiful!!! —~as VAD oe ie ties’: Bir, that's “ URNEY nogammon! (7% Fourth er.) there’s no danger mee wet opt. Fat" by Bow ho! 7m, He touches the ! He bows to the crowd ! had 6 all over, and And away we go! a great success! Hooray! Hooray!! Hooray!! 1 tell Yeoho! my ies | Second G. ih ial Show mopping his his (oak) Wet did I te Avoid dinner- ! you, you of the Cries Captain Kyow es, with “ avasts” and “ ahoys,”’ dG. Bah! there’s in it, 20 ogee) ne ‘Up goes the sale, Yeo ho! my boys!” “nem, no anything ! Me 5 all a blind, I tell you,—invisible wire, “ ” of the kind, I’ll be bound. Now, our man—— ‘\ For growi too fat the new cure,” says Yxo, ‘ * Pourth i ly). Sir, depreciation is ie i bre Is——” Never mind,—read it, and then you’liknow. tribe, As I said, I do not quite approve of the attempt, but to For the subject is one dispute its A 3 or deny its success, is the very Pi lindness Which, all said and done, of mean partisan malice. Swells visibly. sq, Must trouble particular vanity. Third G. Ah! just you wait a bit! Wait till this 8 perform - ‘So much for the body,” says Doctor Knows ; ance is tested—wait till our man has a try, and you’ll see. [Snorts, Bight give you sass for} he starved souls.” First G. Well, anyhow, it’s a clever cat, Mand Profeeee ITCHIE co. ’ ‘As * What’ , has oe sole isa cool customer. [f that Parachute oesn’t pse as such things have rather ° way of doing, I don’t see why he Where shall I go for my pt nee A I —— take a lot of books} shouldn’t repeat the further orders. How the crowd with me and,—I have it—the very cheers! Hooray! Hora “Hooray!!! 1! (Left shouting. Yours, Tae Bowe” Banos DE Boox-Worms. Rrrvat anp InprA-RvpBER.—Among'the speakers’at the reeent Lambeth Conference :— MR. PARNELL 46 SANLSP, “Several colonial and missionary Bishops spoke of the difficulties they Tue Times is out of joint. Oh! cursed spite encountered | im their dioceses owing to the want of elasticity in their forms of Tha’ I forced with it to fight ! worship.” we ~ a Mt the foomp ave not clasts, Gy ciniben. Dab aay aaa ae Swircnspack Aparrap.—Dr. Bracu inform his young | clever person invent forms that ean be elongated so as to seat from treads that be ha pated for ne ext Poka-tine an euiry four to fourteen? By the way, aren’t the seats in Church always new invention, entitled ‘* being *‘ let out” ?

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————_ [Aveusr 11, 1888. —__——__. ——__—__——_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE NEW CRUSADE, AND THE FIVE CHAMPIONS OF CHRISTENDOM. rseverance which land, because nowhere can I find a greater respect for liberty and human dignity; for it is England, who, in this ition of slavery in the West Indies, and this she has done with an indomitable energy and a After having destroyed Colonial slavery, cause. Noblesse oblige. thies, those who wish to destroy African slavery,—a hundred times more horrible.’—Cardinal “T address myself to Christian Eng age, has taken the initiative in the abo have at last obtained the concurrence of all nations, and the triumph of a noble cause England owes it to herself, to support, by her sym Lavigerie, at Meeting of the British and Foreign Anti-Slavery Society, held in Prince's Hall. UY fl? DRI“ Vile” Zs Y Y G/ rat: hy BL /, 4%, ‘4, 7, Gees Ao, 7, / Vy, 4 4%, A MG Se Ss, ZY Yj - “A AN XA A Ma LOW mee = La 27772 Isle ; Nopiesss oblige! Right, eloquent, high | When the long wail of the enslaved, tormented | Noblesse oblige! This, like the war-drum’s victims of the gold-god’s cankered lust rattle : Stirs not her heart, with sluggish peace con-| Should sound reveille round the freeman " A sovereign summons, not to Syrian battle, But struggle with a foe more venal-vile sreacher Of Christian chivalry to willing ears ! When England owns not Duty forchief teacher, | tented, Slights honour, or takes counsel of herfears;| Her name is nullity, her fame is dust.

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— Aveusr 11, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - a x A om TH OMTON Cen Et wus COmmAn cepa Re ge - tase 4 , =F E METROPOLIS IN AUGUST 1888. FoRESEEN AND Drawn BY OUR ARTIST (THE MELANCHOLY AND LEFT-ALL-ALONE-IN-LONDON ONE), AFTER A SOLITARY SUPPER AT THE ‘‘ PorK-Pre Cvs,” Cotp Harspour LANE [Happily Our Artist's dyspeptic Forecast has been falsified, Than the cross-flouting Saracen, more cruel Than Satapry’s desert swordsmen swart and stark. ’Tis ours to close in stern and truceless duel With the dread incubus that haunts the dark Of the Dark Continent. Oh, land of shadows, Which the whole Western World seems now to thron, In ardent search of Trade’s new Eldorados, Whose spoils there lie for the astute and strong ; One shadow darker, deadlier than all others Lies like a line of sinister eclipse Across your torrid sand-tracks. ‘‘ Men and brothers ” ? _ How glibly the old pulpit-tag still slips From thoughtless tongues; and there they lie and perish In myriads, prone, done cruelly to death. Where are the hopes brave Gorpon dared to _ cherish, For which stout Lrvrvestoye his latest breath Drew painfully ’midst leafy wildernesses ? Still on the roads our heroes strove to clear The ceaseless, ruthless, blood-stained Slave- hunt presses. The fiendish Arab lurks, a shape of fear By forest-path, lake-border, hutted village, — women toil, men sleep, or children stray, Pauseless as pestilence, intent on pillage, Ready to ravish, prompt to fire or slay. Think on that tiger-throng and the red ravage They make midst Afric’s homes unchecked, unstayed The long dread marches, and the slaughter savage, All the black horrors of the accursed trade. | LAVIGERIE pictures them till fierce compassion Throbs like the fire of hatred in the heart. | Think of it, careless votaries of Fashion ! Think of it, affluent masters of the Mart! This too is Trade! Mammon means Moloch often Even in factory cage, or Sweater’s den ; But there, no love may aid, no solace soften The doom of men the prey of fellow-men. Men? Miscreants, demons, tigerish torturers, rather, With whom we, save with sword, no terms should hold. Andin those realms the Christian nations gather In hot earth-hunger, eager quest of gold. The Briton and the Teuton, flower of learning, And of civility, meet, as rivals there ; Thither the polished Frank for wealth is turning. [care Brings cruelty no change, this curse no To the Cross-bearing West?’ Must greed’s insanity Crush conscience thus, or shall the new Crusade Stir, not fanatic hate, but wise humanity, In the codperant phalanxes of Trade ’ To England, as seems Noblesse oblige: fitting, Comes the first urging of the high appeal ; There she should lead, no lesser hand per- mitting First to unsheathe the stern avenging steel. New Champions of Christendom, the nations Beneath the old flag of Freedom fres arrayed, : Fired with the noblest of all emulations, Should join, for Honour calls, the New Crusade ! IN HIS BAG. |(What an august Imperial Traveller recently brought back with him.) From St. -Petersburg.—A Russian Rear Admiral’s uniform, a little roomy in the back, complete, brand new. Translation of Exercise from Ollendorff, commencing at,—‘‘I prefer the Hussars of | my Grandfather to these Dragoons,” down to, ‘I cannot give you the boots of the Bat- | tenberg, nor the de val of the Surtay, | but I can supply you with the Bulgarian umbrella of Prince FERDINAND,” inclusive. A pot of geome caviare from the Russian Foreign From Stockholm.—A Swedish Post-cap- tain’s Uniform, a little tight in the waist, ay sp pues new. ee slip 0: per, containing a neat transia- tion of the phrases, ** How are = this morn- ing, Sir?” ‘Very well, I thank you, Sir. All right, Sir. Hurrah!” into the Swedish language. the Star of a Knight Grand Commander of the Order of the Blue Elephant in best Paris paste. From Copenhagen.—A Full-dress Parade Uniform of a Drum-major of the Royal Danish Guards, two sizes too large, brand ne . a Forewn Ww, A Hundred Ways of Meetin 4 Shilling Potentate. Beginners’ Handbo Edition. From Friedrichsruh. —The Chancellor’s general approval, and a return-ticket to Berlin.

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[Aucusr 11, 1888. FROM A NAUTICAL KNOW-NOTHING, All at Sea with the X.Y.Z, Squadron, I more you have received my previous contributions all safe and sound, for in them I have described to you all that has occurred to us since the ‘‘ Declaration of War” up to date. Seeing how at one moment the Authorities seem up to any larks, and the next a to take the whole thing in grim earnest, I shouldn’t be surpri to hear that my letter had been washed overboard, or seized, or done something to that had prevented it ever reaching you at all.° What a time I've had of it! You know, as I told you, I began by hidin, under the Admiral’s table, and copying out his sealed orders to sen you, and then, when I was discovered, and said it was only ‘‘ my fun,” and I thought “it didn’t matter, as they were only playing at fighting,” and he said “‘he had half a mind” to have me “ put in irons,” to teach me how to conduct myself on board one of Her Majesty’s ships, I really felt so disgus' that, if I could have got off, I should certainly have thrown the whole thing up then and there. However, the incident p , though I’m to say it left a nasty feeling behind. It is owing to this that I am rather vague as to what we are supposed to have been doing. I go up to a First-Lieutenant, and my cheerily on the back, and say, ‘* Well, Mate, how’s the enemy this morning ’” he only mumbles something in a resentful manner, but gives me no information. I fancy, as far as | can gather, we are supposed to be watching a hostile fleet, or else we are blockading one; though, now I come to think of it, per- haps we are rapposed to be blockaded ourselves. I must try and solve this, and then perhaps I may be able to give you some definite idea of what our movements mean. They inly are curious. For the last few days we have been continually ing along in- shore, then on, called sighting the ‘‘ Enemy,” ing out,—at least, so it seems to me,—about 200 miles into the Atlantic, for the yurpose of slowly creeping back again somewhere else. To-day there as been a good deal of signalling going on, and on a local Coast- uard Station displaying the question, ‘* Have you any me for Thitehall ?” I mai to get the advantage of the petty officers who were looking out the flags, and, I think to the rise of every- body, quickly ran up ‘‘ Walker!” This again seemed to annoy the Admiral, and a fresh asty feeling has been the result. I believe he has threatened to put me on board the first torpedo-boat that comes within hail. However, meantime, I have made the acquaint- ance of a communicative Marine, from whom I have gathered several items of what sounds like reliable information. He has pointed me out some vessels in the offing, which he says are the Stagnation, Rattletrap, Blazer, and Ophicleide, who are watching us, and that, when we get within one thousand yards of them, the ** fun will begin.” Apparently hard-up for any excitement,the Admiral bears down on the quartette with alacrity, and we are soon in the midst of them. They have commenced blazing away at us with their guns on all sides. Two of ours won't fire, but that doesn’t much matter, and I don’t suppose it would in real warfare, for, what with the noise and excitement, we seem to get on well enough without them. After about an hour and a half of this, the other side suddenly cope and sends off a despatch-boat, bearing a ng Se. It brings an meee, who says, that he has ruled us outof the game as “‘ sunk.” The Admiral’s only reply is ‘‘Gammon!” The Umpire expostulates and says, that if that is the way his authority is to be treated, ‘‘ the sooner the whole thing is understood to be a gigantic farce the better,” to which the Admiral rejoins that he doesn’t care a couple of brass farthings whether the whole thing is regarded as a gigantic farce or not, but that “‘ he is not going to strike colours in deference to the expression of a bit of beggarly opinion in an out-of-the-way nook on the Irish coast.”’ This apparently settles the Umpire, who retires threatening that he will communicate with Whitehall. The Admiral thereon puts our head about, returning to the bay, which, reaching about dusk, we are, owing to there being some hitch in the working of our signals, taken for one of the enemy by our own ships, and by a succes- sion of heavy broadsides from the Dusulthend Jackass, Catapult, Slop-basin, Blue-bottle and Boot-jack, who continue pounding away at us until they discover their mistake. The local Umpire upon this gives it as his opinion that as such a catastrophe might have occurred in real warfare, he is obliged to rule us as ‘‘sunk,” and therefore, out of the game. The Admiral merely again rejoins ‘‘ Stuff and nonsense!” and says that ‘‘ real warfare or sham warfare,” he is not going ‘‘to be ruled out of his ship, by the decision of any petty- ogging Umpire alive, as long as he A. a single blessed plank of her afloat under him.” The Umpire says that that’s all very well, but it is not the sort of spirit m which to carry out the ‘Naval Man- cuvres,” upon which the Admiral tells him to ‘‘ Shut up and mind his own business.” Upon this the Umpire merely retires sulkily. Taking advantage of an inqui by signal from the station as to whether we wanted any coals, and wishing to find out if there was * This is the only contribution we have received from our Correspondent.— Eb. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | jany conveyance to take me if I could manage to get ashore, I just ran up the answer, ‘No. But can I get a four-wheeler on the coast?” On this being reported to the Admiral, it has apparently put him in into a very temper, for he has ordered me to be put in irons for the night. This is yery unpleasant. I have just remarked to the communicative Marine, that I think it rather a strong measure, considering that I have only been playing at being on board a man-of-war. He says, no doubt that is so, but that it won’t do to be “‘too larky with the Admiral.” Anyhow, the incident brings this communication to an abrupt close. More in my next. THE TRAVELLER’S DREAM-BOOK FOR AUGUST, 1888, (Prepared by the Clerk of the Weather, but subject to considerable variation. ) Ir you dream of— , Amiens.—You must expect rain in a foreign town without home comforts. Bath.—Go there. Ask for hairdresser. Boulogne.—Look for the perfumes of the Port in an East wind, Brighton.—Don’t, at least not yet: better try Jericho. Calais.—Accustom yourself to a rough sea-passage with the glass a few degrees above freezing. Coventry.—Try it for the sake of your friends. Dieppe.—Prepare for a storm-beaten Casino without visitors. Etretaét.—W elcome a watering-place where it is too cold to bathe. Florence.—Fancy Italy in the unhealthy season. Genoa.—Learn to love dirt in a desert. Heidelberg.—Imagine a Castle in a Scotch mist. Interlachen.—Confine your attention to an excellent table d’héte at the Switzerhof. ~~ —Try Brighton instead. It is Jewly here all the year round. Kiel.—Picture to yourself dulness at its worst, and beat the record. Lyons.—Think of silk, and rest satisfied without paying a visit to its chief manufactory. 4 Madrid.—Acclimatise yourself to bull-fights, and if you contem- plate suicide choose the arena to an overdose of chloroform. Naples,—See the Bay in a fog, and don’t die, if you can help it. Paris.—Pass through before you are drenched. ; : Quebec.—Rather far off, which may be an advantage, if the sun in Europe has retired on permanent leave of absence. _ Ramsgate.—Go there. Air confers immortality, vide recent local sanitary reports. Nobody dies at Ramsgate: if they want to do so, they lhe. ao leave the place and go somewhere else. Rotterdam.—Get your umbrella ond open it. Suez.—Better try Southend ; livelier. Turin.—Do not weep if you find the rain as constant as at the Italian Exhibition. Uig.—Spend all your time and money in testing whiskey. Venice.—Confess that a gondola in a thunderstorm is not much more amusing than a Hansom cab with the glass down. Waterloo.—Imagine that it’s rather fun to drive in a coach up to your eyes in an Ulster. ; Whitby.—All clever people at Whitby. Here “‘ awe se rencontrent.”” Hence the name. Don’t you go to itby. X—Exeter.—Try it, and get out of it. Enterer and Exiter. Yarmouth.—Avoid the bloater aristocracy. : Zurich.—‘‘On the margin of Fair Zurich’s waters’”’—give your- self a margin—or better—leave it to your imargination. And if you dream of no place at all—why, thank your lucky stars and stay at home! Manners Maxe roe Foreman.—At the Old Bailey last week the learned Recorder of London was charging the Grand Jury, when the Foreman suddenly charged back. No wonder there was a “‘ sen- sation in Court.” Perhaps this Juryman was too ‘‘ Grand” to listen to legal advice. He seems to have taken Campers for a Flat! ProsasLe.—Dr. T-nn-k, M.P., is said to be wetting some New Nursery Rhymes, to be called Tullamore Tra-la-las, e has got as far as “ Barr, Barr, black-sheep,’”’ but here the Muse has failed him. THEATRICAL Forecast ror Avcust AND SEPTEMBER.—Mr. CHARLES Wrnpa™ will make the ascent of several ae formances in various languages of David Garrick. He also try the N. W. Passage; if he doesn’t like it, he’ll give it up, and do a little Polar Bear shooting. Mr. Wrxpam will play for one night only in Japan, and on his.road_ home he will eve a Mat | under the patronage of the Grand Llama of Thibet. He inaugurate his Winter Season with an entirely new piece entitled David Garrick. tp NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Yrawings, or Pictures of any description, _- im ne case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this there will be no =r > e Gar flit: Dre's Pon Colt’s Ke TS DOUBL olon lew. Ts FIRBA \))

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avoust 11, 1888. JRGOYNE’S Australien WINES. INTARA, BRANXTON BURGUNDY, HIGHERCOMBE, ALLMAN'S WHISK aY —— JOSEPH GILLOTT'S STEEL PENS NESTLES FOOD AN ENTIRE DIET FOR INFANTS. Supplies all the elements necessary for the complete nourishment and growth of the human frame. Nestle’s Food, bein, — Meax. Pamphiet, th Bion ibey., like cher Infant's and yh. LE. partly composed of milk, is complete , and requires sim ly the Ss Er of nfant’s fan's Fpoda, % wh a Ps 4 Pers: Medical Authorities as the nearest OTHER’ 8S MILE tates oS MAPPIN & WEBBS TABLE KNIVES. POURS DEN MINERAL PASTILLES versalty fxagietes | fae best remedy vines, oma, = LUNGS. y are specially Sa,” our IR MORELL MACKENZIB, testimonial » affited to éach box. ef ODEN MINERAL oi xs nme, of sODEN win Drea's !urcormes, Hotsoan ‘otash, Arsenic, or any the SS ases Skin been re- ears with Cancer on my matting me ie the grave, for many 7 Ce § r owe everything to @id by all ain Saiae SS See 2 pies: “ade juke on Blood and Diseases. PF THE SWIFT SPECIFIC COMPARY, %, SNOW HILL, LONDON, EC @ cepplied to HM. War OLR, en no dopted iret ¥) a eee JAVA CIGARS 6 for 14. (14 stamps). "Oats » evolvers are 8 DOUBLE. BA MA (olan ee Price List free, T's FIREARMS Co.,14, Pall Mall, meena’. 0 years in rs ort, “ “Paste, | REDFERN, LADIES’ TAILOR, GOWNS COATS ULSTERS of Ladies’ Tailors be it said, the most “The most noted FO You. FOR ME. Ueel ana the Legs ea ais is Weak ; requires strengthen ing A Bo will save an il basi ITY, QUININE )*3i* PICK UP cives [STRENGTH | ENERGY | LM EALTA Life | FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. SQUIRE'S wanvis OVER woar, it is Matchless. 2s. 64. por tottle. PF. Newsear, London. CHEMICAL FOOD. A PHOSPHATIC FOOD. Ie Bottles, 2¢., 98. 64., and 6s. each of Chemists, Or by Parcel Post free direct from SQUIRE & SONS, Hee Massert's Curuters, 43, OXFORD STREET, LONDON. REGISTERED. iM LEATHER © BLACK HANOLE 5 « § 1VORY Do. REAL GERMAN HOLLOW ALL OEALERS OR DIRECT FROM ENGLIGH DEPOT, TRAZO R 138 DIGBETH, BETH, BIRMINGH BIeNaY ve LS THMA COUGH, BRONCHITIS THESE CIGA iy cet - the worst of ASTHRA, coue CHRONIC *SRONCH 1TI8, 1N- LUENE ORTNESS of BREATH. ter at night with coughing, hort breath, find them Persons w +- eae a ae they —_- cheek the to°pass a tlee aliow the Patient night, They are be smok y adies, heros serathany tients. in Boxes of é."trom all Chem cas gy ros box tM ILCON and ©O., 23%, Oaford Street, m. Post-free. “SANITAS” DISINFECTANTS. In all case of Fever, &¢., apply to THE SANITAS CO., Limd., Bethnal Green, London, &., HOW TO DISINFEOCT. M°CALL’S PAYSANDU OX TONGUES. TOBACOONISTS COMMENCING. OW TO OPEN Svat amount however smal) - ye, LEnBEK FRI EDL AND 3, Howndedieen Fetablished @ years TORPID LIVER POSITIVELY CURED BY THESE LITTLS PILLAa. geaner eles * relie ress from Dyspe L “i Sodigostion, and Te Hearty Kating op 7 0 D any stad “RK, ani Vrorrasce, pe tie action please A bli! ndard Pill « the Un ited States In phials &t le. gd. Bold by all Chemists, or sent by post SMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE. SMALL PRICZ. Lijustrated Pamphiet free British Depot, 46, Holborn Viaduct, London, BE“ G OLD a it BN BRONZE, B HAIR. — rm ur oF in ile, i 472, ,Oxtora Leman, or Unting grey or iaued curb W. ba, 6a . 4., Hee Seite wo invareable WRIGHT 3: ti «COALS palit SOAP

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevsr 11, = @ *@M4 44 444484 : vvrrrerwe ore The GOLD MEDAL For INFANTS ef the International Health Bahibition, London, has been awarded for this Food; and it is recommended by the LANCET and the ‘ = entire Medical Press. : CHILDREN, and INVALIDS. , Exchange St,

THE NEW SALINE. Quite distinct from all other Salts and Saline Preparations. Protected by E.M. Over Fifty Patents, a CORRES, “Sain Letters Patent. Trade Marks. SALT REGAL Possesses valuable Hygienic Properties hitherto unknown to Science. A highly agreeable, effervescing, antiseptic, saline draught, moet tebreshing and exhilarating, developing the propertics lif and a certain antidote and , General on . r purposes for which Saline preparations have mpurities in the System “ or tainted air, or through of improperly coo or errors of diet —eating or * on instant purifier, each (ose liberating a werfu! antiseptic Z the mouth, ‘throat, and the same operation natur.! disinfectent. In hotties hermetically se «led. 3s. 64. i) Chem iste and Medicine Vendors throughout the World. Patentees and Sole Proprietors, FRITZ & CO., SALT REGAL WORES, FLEET oTRELT, LIVERPOOL. RRAAPAPAAAAPP PPA PPA AAAI Hen &§ Hanburys’ Castor Oil Tasteless. Pure. Active. Soild everywhere at 6d., 1/, 1/9 & 3/. To Military Men and Others. ICKERING’S <= NCO. ne: all articles of Buff cr ther, such as Military uipmests, wane oe. a.

silky sur: ace cf glossy satin-like appearance Much better and more convenient than pipe-clay, as . == there is no trouble of preparation, and it is much cheaper in the end. Biaxce is put up in cup-shaped blocks (registered design), and with the specially made non-corrosive zinc box. supplied with the firet block, it will be found the handiest article for the purposes named. Sold at every Canteen, also by Ironmongers, Saddiers, &c Packed : ; in non-corrosive zinc Boxes, ¢d. each ; biocks to re-fill, @) : Z = = = Soe = : ld. each. Manufacturers, ) =i JOSEPH PICKERING & SONS, Suerrrzty, Exc. ‘aid Sole Agents for the British Army :—Kicaaap Dicarson & Co “MATCH LES S i 8) a] TH E GC OM PLEXION Leadon Office :—ST. GEORGE'S HOUSE, EASTCHEAP. EC. CADBURY a GUARANTEED GUARANTEED PURE, (Regd) SOLUBLE. SS SI

I rinted by Willam Stuart smith of No, Loraine Road, Holloway, in the larish of §t. Mory,? cton, in the County of Middlesex, rp gtting. U- gr Messrs. Bradbu: sanew p Sen Lame wm the Freciact of W bitefriars, ip tue City of Loades, snd I ublishe! by him at No. &, Fleet otvert, im the Parien of &¢ Bride & pth Ae

Page 101

“A Pictorial Key to the History of the Queen’s Reign.” —raw mau cazerre MF. PUNCH’S Being the Fifty Years of the Queen's Reign (1837-1887) / as reflected and illustrated in the “Punch” Cartoons, / CTORI AN ER A with a Descriptive Narrative. In 3 fine royal 4te vols.,

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PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,” js / AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, “It ig greatly G. D. LESLIE’S BOOK on the THAMES. “ People familiar with Mr. Leslie's picures—and who is not ?—will experience no surprise to find from these charming reminiscences that he 10 be knows our noble metropolitan river literall, heart. Of the most \ commended,” U R | y E R beautiful pictures and sketches which embeltis the reminiscences tt is B | scarcely necessary to say more than that gy an Gating’ byallthe \ mus | G6 iiieteations, Raval Ove. 12/6, |e ee: str ant ee ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C CHARIVARI —Avoust 18, 1888.

TO STOUT PEOPLE, * Peeper Trees oye Best Care, to CORD the disense, and that his trest- men’ iv the tree * soome beyond ali doett. The Medicine he prescribes poss wot LOWER, BUTT BUTLBS | CF a6 0 Tore THe eveTE® Hook (116 pages) with | ree! ¢ end notes how & easently and rapidly « Owes TY (average reduction m Oret week is post fre+ 6 clamp 7. C. BUSSELL, Woeburs House, Store Street, Bedford Square, Leadon, WS. First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & POLSON in 1856. BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR Was in the field sometime before any other was anywhere heard of, and no other has now an equal claim to the public confidence.

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SODEN MINERAL PASTILLES Juiversally ackn weetges the best remedy for affections of the THROAT, ¢ HEST, AND LUNGS. They are specially recommended by our greatest Medical Authority, SIR MORRELL MACKENZIE, whose testimonial is affixed to each box. a hemiste at le. gd, or Post Free for 1b of »OVEN MINERAL PRODUCE OO., Dren's bormemes, Housons, Loewner, EC “ SANITAS” DISINFECTANTS. In all cases of Fever, &c , apply to THE SANITAS Limd , Bethnal Green, London, E., HOW TO DISINFECT.

Oo

PLAYER'S GOLP LEAF NAVY CUT The Perfection of Tobacco

When medicine time used to come round, We were off with a skip, and a hop, and a bound, Because it was—oh, such a nasty compound; As nasty as nasty could be!

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pa + SWEET SCENTS LIGN-ALOE. OPOPONAX FRANGIPANNI. PSIDIUM 2 May be obtained +, Of any Chemist or » ©» _ Perfumer. ~" ond sere’ MAPPIN & WEBB’S

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‘DR. PAGET, Surgeon Dentist, 465, Strand Pacing Charing Da. PAGET Ptr mm cee SF — — | without P| ATES or PALATES, also by atmospheric pressure, explained im the Illustrated Fremenics a

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as Mane errrescr oF On, Wrrmeer Dra on Bisse Mace amr Sr28 on Sein Wrra NAMES, MOTTORs,

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| avousr 18, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 73 ali) 3 ; | j ” ii" fs a " adhd “/ t weBsseres ty Mi 4. DAUBER AT LAST DISCOVERS HIS LITTLE Gem. He HAS BEEN SEARCHING FOR IT ALL THE SEASON, POLITICAL GIPSYING ; Or, Jottings by an Eminent Common-wheel-man. | Any Time in August.—Holiday begun, thanks to Smiru. Why not take hint from Irish ex-constable who’s goin about Eastern Counties in a ‘‘Home Rule Van,” an will. Several vans, in fact, because directly I mentioned sub- ject, GRANVILLE said “‘he must come too!” So did | Spencer, Harcourt (why Harcourt’), Saaw-Lerevre, HerscHeLt, and Rosepery. Each of ’em has a van: but Rosesery says I’m in “the yan of progress,” and | Must go first. Start next week. re onday.—Our Caravan starts from Town amid indes- cribable enthusiasm. Whole of Piccadilly, Knights- wiles, Hammersmith Road, and as far as Hounslow, packed with crowds to see us pass. Query—Does not _ | this show that opinion of London is changing on Home | Rule? Suiw-Lerevre says, “Not a doubt of it.” JRANVILLE suggests ‘‘ making détour to avoid mob.” Wish he wouldn’t speak of ‘“‘mob” when he means eaters. If one says, ‘‘ making détour to avoid electors,” olly of such a course at once apparent. Only get ten ore van of my own in benighted South of England ? | Next Day.—Van procured. Smells distinctly stuffy. | | miles out of Town by night-time. Put up onacommon. Henrscue.. rather | doubtful if we ‘‘aren’t making ourselves fiable to action for trespass.” Wish he wouldn’t bring out inconvenient legal knowledge just now. Have made five speeches, Harcourt six. Query—Isn’t it unwise of Harcourt to challenge oratorical comparison with me in this way ? | Tuesday Morning.—Wake up with happy notion. Why not signals between | different vans? Rosesery takes to idea at once. Spends day in erecting com- | plicated series of flags on roofs, which can be pulled by strings from inside. | Also invents ~ omy code. {N.B.—Interesting subject for pamphlet, Signal- ling.] We learn it, except Harcourt, who’s studying maps, as he’s | volunteered to be our guide. Says he knows the country by heart. |_ Wednesday.—Got to Farnham. Agricultural district. Gratifying reception. | Villagers turn out in hundreds, also turn out horses, and drag us into vl ‘ | Long — Give rustics lecture on Irish d Tenure. Rustics go off to |hear Harcourt, who ’s bellowing as usual. In evening horses can’t be found ange, Some London thieves are suspected of having ised the reception, and eloped with horses! Query—is this a dodge of Satispuny’s? Or AnoyLt, 'in revenge for recent soliloquy in Lords? Must inquire. in notes for my forthcoming article on ‘‘ Our Nomadic Population.” Thursday.—Somewhere in Hampshire. SHaw-Lerevre made speech before | breakfast. ——-. spoke of agricultural labourer as ‘ Hopex.” Labourers very angry. When I try to pacify them with seductive speech on Home-Rule, they say they want to know about Allotments! Don’t ‘* Remember Mitchels- town,” but do remember ‘‘ Three Acres and a Cow,” Find they believe in Jesse—singular delusion! In afternoon, Haxcovrt found out guiding us all wrong. Seems he was trying to sneak to New Forest. oking ! Friday.—Only drawback to complete og so far has been weather. Rain ineessant. Home-Rule Van leaks y. Can’t study Irish History, or | compose speeches with stream of rain-water qoming down of one’s foek | Awkward—hear that Spencer, in moment of epmalnens, and apparently fancying himself still Viceroy, has been saying “‘he wouldn’t whine about imprisonment if he were Irish patrict.” What made him say this? Put up signal—*‘ Do you refer to Diton?” No answer. ious. After an hour or | two, SpeNceR sends round boy who looks after his horses to say, ‘* he doesn’t understand the code.” Fancy this an excuse, but don’t like to say so. Saturday.—Slight contretemps. Wheeler (a bay horse-—Rosesery calls him a Botany Bay horse—Interesting subject in—*‘ Colour in Horses ”’—why is one bay, ancther roan? What is the Home Rule about this?) goes very lame. Other horse doesn’t care about drawing van by himself, and tries to lie un in road. Harness in tangle. Have to try and = it right in pouring rain, as boy has gone off to village inn “‘to get — af e says, but really to get glass of beer, I believe. Most unconstitutional. Shall suspend boy when he comes back, I think. Signal to Rosesery to come and assist. No reply. Singular! Send driver round (but isn’t this contrary to code’), and find that Roszsery has gone off to see somebody’s stud-farm near here. RoseBERy seems to regard whole affair as sort of picnic. Worst of it is that he’s taken GranviLiE and | Harcovrt with him. Harcourt would be invaluable just now to sit on horse’s head while I undo harness. | On his return Rosesery suggests that van is too heavy, and that I had better l\lighten it by ‘‘ chucking out some of the Irish Histories,” Surprised at | Rosesery! He explains by saying that he finds ‘the less fact he puts in | speeches, the better they go down.” Sunday. — Dies non. Propose church. | RosEBERY, it seems, hasn’t brought prayer-book. SPENCER and GRANVILLE | both want to mend holes in their roofs. Harcourt asleep. Herscue cy offers to mediate with neighbouring Vicar, and tells him I'll read lessons. Good | fellow, HerscHELt. 0. | | Monday.—Curious thing occurred to-day. Met anothervan! A political one apparently. Painted outside with pictures of 5 sg Som aa outrages. Asked | driver (big man with black beard) if he was in favour of Home Rule. He merely answered ‘Yah!’ Who can have invented this opposition van? | Perhaps Ranpotpn. Now I come to think of it, boy attending horses very like Rawpotrx. Mention suspicion to GranvILLe. He pooh-poohs idea— RaNDOLPH away in Africa or America, he —. ; | Mysterious van follows us everywhere. Comes to villages we’ve left, and distributes Primrose e tracts and blankets to adults, and sweetmeats to children. —isn’t this corruption? Can’t ask Henscweit, because he’s | gone back to town to attend (he says) at obsequies of Board of Works. | Twesday.—Rosesery complains this is ‘‘ slow.” Couldn’t we all dress up as nigger minstrels’ Kemonstrate privately with Roszbgky, who admits he had no sleep last night, owing to lothes being saturated, and smoke from stove. He says, ‘‘Granvitte and Spencer both favour nigger plan—or if not, dismissing vans and going to first-class hotel.” Can this be true? And I’m not half through my educational course of Irish history, which peasants are dying to hear. Still suspicious of o | ARGYLL stay in Isles ! SHaw-LeFEVRE anxious to go. position van. Now believe AkerL1’s inside. Why can’t Can man on box be SaLispvry himself ? End of Tour.—Ezeter.—Down here at last! Down with rheumatiam, too. Harcovr?’s van ye near Southam GraNvILie telegraphed for at Wells. Rosesery left behind in hospital at Bath. Snaw-Lerevar worn and haggard, but still here; seems quite as lively as when he started,—but that’s not saying much. Shall rest a week, and then back to Hawarden, not at all ran-quished ; only a fortnight spent on wheels is enough for anybody. Revival or THF ExvizapeTHan Drama.— Betsy at the Criterion. VOL. XOV, H

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Auveust 18, 1888 v4 PUNCH, 0 | know whom one és allowed to chuck out? Then when | iat, knocked her though a glass door and (as she says) injured her head, which was always rather soft, I was acting | simply on principle and from a high sense of duty, | jalthough the Police Magistrate took a different view of | the oceurrence. Is it not intolerable that wives should venture to contradict any opinion expressed by their hus- bands? This is the sort of “‘ Marriage Not” which | every husband is bound to cut. I must in fairness add that mine never openly disagreed with me but once, when the chucking-out took place; but after that she | used to look as if she were going to disagree, which is even more aggravating to a man of sensitive disposition like Yours truly, A Marremronzat Vicrm, | FOOL BRITANNIA! (A new and original Maneuvring Cantata, arranged for production at the Imperial Naval Concert Room, Whitehall. The Scene is supposed to represent the progress of a weird Incantation conducted by the Wizard of the Admi- ralty, in which, revealing to the astonished gaze of an assembled crowd of mystified British Landlubbers the wonders of his Department, he compels them, by the exercise of his magic arts, to express their aston- ishment and admiration. CHorvus or Brrrish LANDLUBBERS., Hark! Again the cannons’ thunder Almost overwhelms our chorus! We are fairly dazed with wonder At the sights he sets before us! As we read the evening papers, We in mute surprise are gaping. Admirals prodigious capers Cutting, real warfare apeing ; Cruisers hither, thither flying, Property quite disregarding, And, accepted law defying, Private householders bombarding ! Health resorts in vain contesting With some ironclad’s distant flashes, Have, by dozens, though protesting, Ruthlessly been laid in ashes. See, e’en Margate has surrender’d Pier dues both, and local band ! THE COLLECTION. Herne Bay, brought to book, has tender’d S / I SAY, COULD YOU LEND ME SOMETHING TO PUT IN THE PLATE Millions down by note of hand! Mr. Mariey! I've onty cor a Soversien!” For Rosherville what fate ’s in store Marl On, A SOVEREIGN ‘LL po.” We dare not ask! (They turn away shudder- — Reeseatetin ae ——— ingly.) We’ll see no more! PICKING THE WED-LOCK. Tue Wizarp or THE ADMIRALTY (continuing the . Incantation), To the Eiditor. But nay! for sure there ’s plenty more to see. Srr,—I see that some of your Correspondents are asking, ‘‘Is Marriage; And here just once again I must repeat, a failure?” How fortunate that the public should have become suddenly | What evident to all of you must be, interested in this question just as the Dull Season has come round again!| The fact that you possess a first-rate fleet. Perhaps, with judicious management, the subject could be made to last on to| You’ve had, I think, a telling proof or two the Autumn Session! My view is that it is simply a matter of intelligent | Of what ‘‘ My Lords,” when put to it, can do. selection of the locality where the marriage is contracted or annulled. I, | Such guns, such coals, such crews, such speed combined, myself, have already been married in eight different States in America, and have You'll in no other rival Navy find! found no difficulty in securing eight separate divorces on no ground whatever. | There hasn’t been a hitch. Naught’s gone amiss! As there are about thirty States, I look forward to continuing this process for An Inquiring Taxpayer rises through the ground, some considerable time, and as I take care to ‘‘ go where money is,” I am now in ’ the possession of a modest competency, cntiode due to prudent matrimonial Ixquinine TAXPAYER. ventures. I advise those who are unhappy in wedlock to take courage—and a Perhaps, then, you ’ll explain to one what’s this ? ticket to Colorado. Yours cutely, Gay Rover. [ Produces recent number of a morning paper. L = Srr,—How Marriage can be called a failure I cannot understand. Take my The Mohawk and the Tartar, come to grief, own case. I recently indulged in some disastrous speculations, which landed “are left behind, and cannot get along. me, before I knew where I was, in the Bankruptey Court. All that I had The Archer for her boilers wants relief ; was taken to feed my avaricious creditors; but Sestentately my wife had ro Then the Northampton’s engines have _ property settled upon her, which they could not touch, and I was living in The Racoon leaks at every blessed chink ; comfort, as a —-. - of that arrangement. It is true that I am not able to| The stokers of the fleet by dozens sink, keep more than four hunters, but I console myself by thinking that my| equal to their work, because untrained. é aet creditors also are not completely happy with their composition of sixpence in| f there’s no hitch,—these things might be explained the pound, which was all I felt justified in offeringthem. 1 often tell my wife | Tae Wizard oF THE ADMIRALTY, never knew her value till now. So far from Marriage being a failure, it has And I am the party to do it turned Failure into a ie Success For each chazze that against us is laid ours chirpily, UNDISCHARGED, I straight to its source will pursue it, Sin,—I don’t think I am particularly hard to get on with, yet after onl; And soon prove that ’tis recklessly made. ix months of marriage 1 have been obliged to send my wife home to her I'll answer each empty-brained gaper relations, allowing her fire hundred pounds a year simply in order to get rid of Who provokes all this critical fuss, her! She says my temper is unbearable, but if one can’t chuck one’s own wife And show him it’s all right ‘‘ on paper,” out of a second-storey window for venturing to argue with one, I should like to And “ on paper” ’s sufficient for us. ef jas

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Aveust 18, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AAACUS MINOS, AND RHADAMANTHUS OUT FOR A HOLIDAY. Aad uch Jouy Buu finds it, and takes it For Jonny Butt, in the stir,—'tis certainly! « Jouw Leecn Sisters Fusp.”’—The con- | Oy oe |. funny, — (money- tributions to this Fund forwarded by the | While he thinks we give him enough for his Will think he has got quite enough for his aie ain ~ duly salaieal Lo the list a Inqurnine TAXPAYER. = by the Honorary Secretary, 54, So what do I care if our cruisers | It may beso. But, if you speak by rule, Serkeley Square, W. We are glad to say ; Show a pace that’s as bad as a snail’s, | You make Brrrany14 a precious fool ° that they already amount to a considerable Bx game be they winners or losers, | CHorvs (con fuoco). Fool Britannia ! Bri- , Sum. ell—it isn’t their pace that avails— TANNIA fooled by knaves, P capes not for “‘ My Lords,” whose one notion | Britons ever, ever, ever shall be slaves ! Foop ror THE Mrxp.—Mrs. RamspoTHaM $ just this: if you only create | [They dance round the Wizard of the lately went to the office of a literary and vopular naval commotion,— Kamiralty who continues his Incan- | scientific institution, and asked for a Syllabub ell,—all minor shortcomings may wait. | tation as the Curtain descends. of the Lectures.

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— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Aveust 18, 1888, ———_—.. VOCES POPULI. A PASTORAL PLAY. (A REMINISCENCE OF THE PAST JULY.) Anoument.—Mr. and Mrs. Browpesrvury Brown (of North Kensington), roused to emulation by certain recent open-air performances, have invited their friends to witness a selection from The Tempest in the garden of their villa, “Fontainebleau” (which derives its titie from two remarkably fine plane-trees at one end of the lawn). Scene—The Auditorium. Mr. and Mrs. B. B. discovered in readiness to receive their Guests. Mrs. B. B. (with a desperate cheerfulness). Do you know, Bron- prsarry, dear, | really idle we shall have it fine, after all ” ——— 3B.B.\(not a Pastoral Enthusiast). | I shouldn’t be surprised if it did | clear up—about midnight. Mrs. B. B. Well, if it doesn’t \} rain any more till all the people are here, J shall be satisfied. [She says this with a dim notion | of itiating the Powers that be —— ation. B. B. Why, you won't do it out re if it rains, will you ? Mrs. B. B. (with a deadly calm). Where do you suppose we shall do | it, then ? B. B. (feebly). Why not in the / | —ar—Drawing-room \ | Mrs. B. B. (fanning herself). ) | Really, Browpessvry, you are too : ying r 5 he ah A Pastoral ; ; perp ay in the Drawing-room ! The Naiades’ Garden Party last July. you no sense of the ridiculous? Do you know what a Pastoral Play is ? . B. grimly). 1’m beginning to find out, my dear. The First Guests hopefully (as they make their way down the little cast-iron staircase to the lawn, which is roofed over with sail-cloth, and provided with rout-seats and chairs). to have it this evening—we shall be able to away all the sooner ! To their hostess.) Oh, Mrs. Brown, how ortunate ! such hopeless weather for it! We really ought not to have come at all. Mrs. B. Oh, but indeed—we’re not afraid of a few drops of rain— you shan’t be disappointed ! (General fall of jaws.) We're going to egiNn as soon as ever a few more people come. You shan’t go away without your Tempest ! | Guests, realising that they are in for one, at the very least, seat themselves with hypocritical expressions of delight. Bentny tHe Cortary: Unper THE PLane-TREEs. The King of Naples (to Ferdinand). I say, old fellow, if we’re to lie down and go to sleep here, we must have a little sawdust thrown down first. The ground ’s sopping ! Ferdinand (also Stage Manager). Oh, don’t bother me, my dear fellow! Where the dickens am J to find sawdust ? The K. of N. (unkindly). Thought you might have spared us some out of your calves! ~~ oo I have to go to sleep, too; and that conch is simply BOaK e¢ Ferdinand (irritably). Soaked? Of course it’s soaked! It’s Pastoral. We must put up with it, that’s all. My dear child, what on earth have you got on your feet ? Miranda (regarding her goloshes ruefully). They ’re mother’s, She made me promise to wear them if the ground was at all dam Ariel (to Maid, who has come vent te the path). Well, what is it now ” iad. Your Aunt’s love, Miss; and she must insist on your putting on this. Ariel, Whatashame! (7o King.) proof, can I ¥ The K. of N. (sardonically). Oh, why not? We must try and borrow an old sou’-wester for Prospero, though, or he’ll be out of the picture. (Angrily, aside to Ferdinand.) Hang it all, we’d better do the whole thing under umbrellas at once ! Caliban (to Miranda), All I know is, I hope we shall — soon. If I stand about in a ore hump much longer, I shall be ill. Just feel it. [Mrrawpa feels his hump delicately, and commiserates him. My Never mind your hump—see if you can tell me how to ae this confounded beard of mine stick on—the rain’s washed off all the gum. Pocxzn, I can’t act Ariel in a water- In Frowt—Berore Pray Beers. Mrs. Harlesden Smith. Oh, I shall see splendidly here, thanks, dear Mrs. Brown, how well you have arranged it all! It’s really not at all cold—well, if you would go and fetch my cloak, HARLESDEN, perhaps it might be more—— Have | ey can’t possibly mean | | Miss Ladbroke Hill (to Mr. Kensal Green). Such a charming idea, these garden theatricals. So different from a hot stuffy theatre ! Mr. Kensal Green (putting up his coat-collar). It certainly is the reverse of stuff here! Plenty of air! Miranda's Mother. I do wish they would begin. I can’t bear to | think of my poor girl standing about on that nasty wet grass all this | time—so bad for her! Ariel's Aunt.—If I had guessed it would turn out such a night as this, 1 would never have allowed my niece to accept the part—and even as it is—— [ The curtains drawn aside, and play begins ; PRosPERO instructs MIRANDA concerning the family history in the midst of « heavy downpour. One of ARrEt’s shoes come off in the mud. Miss Ladbroke Hill. How well they did the lightning then, didn’t they ? Mr. K. G. Oh, it’s all genuine—the Browns are determined to do the thing well. Thunder, too, you see? There’s nothing mean | about Brown! | Miranda’s Mother. That dreadful lightning! Oh, Mrs. Brows, do please tell them to come away from the trees— -it is so dangerous! 'ecil’s Aunt. Oh, do; they might be struck down at any moment it’s tempting Providence ! Mrs. Brown (in despair). It—it’s only sheet-lightning. Please— please don’t say anything about it to them now—it will only put them out. They’re getting on so nicely! Enter Caliban (on stage—moist, but maledictory). ** As wicked dew as e’er my mother brushed... . Drop on you both—a south-west blow on ye!”’ Prospero (with feeling). ‘‘ For this, be sure, to-night thou shalt have cramps!” Mr. K. G. ‘sotto voce). If Calihan don’t have them, I shall! | Enter Trinculo (on stage). ‘‘ It it should thunder as it did before, | I know not where to hide my head. Yond same cloud cannot choose but fall by pailfuls. ... Alas, the storm is come again!” &c., &e. { Real thunder—rain descends pitilessly. Mr. K. G. Really a triumph of stage-management ! Enter Ferdinand on stage, bearing a log (he throws it down with |a heavy splash). ‘* There be some sports are painful.” Mr. K. G. (who has been sitting for some time with a stream of water from the roof trickling down the back of his neck). Pastoral Plays, for example. [Scene with MrRanpa is proceeding in pelting rain, which eztin- | guishes most of the lamps which light the scene, when Miranda’s Mother (rises). I ean’t help it, Mrs. Bkown,—flesh and | I can’t sit here and see that poor child catching | | cold under my very eyes. Murnwnre, dear, come in under the tent out | of the rain this instant! Do you hear? I order you! [ Sensation in audience.—on the whole, hardly of disapproval. Miranda. In a minute, Mamma. ‘‘I am a fool to weep at what I am glad of.”” (Zo Prosprro.) I really must go. It’s no use, when | Mamma once makes up her mind. [PRosPERO acquiesces sulkily. Ariel's Aunt. I was just about to say the same thing, dear Mrs. Scpsvry! Pastorals or no pastorals, I can’t let my sister’s child commit suicide. Fanyy, come too—and bring your ee. Ferdinand (helplessly). But, I say, how are we to get along with- | out Miranda and Arie/ ? Miranda’s Mother. That I can’t pretend to decide—but I should have thought you gentlemen could have finished it alone—somehow. Or I don’t object to Mrvte’s acting, provided she keeps under the tent and speaks her part from there. { Ariel’s Aunt makes similar concession with regard to her niece. Prospero. No, I don’t think that would do. (Zo Mrs. Browy. Perhaps we had better stop for this evening—there doesn’t seem to be much chance of the weather improving, and—(candidly)—I’m afraid it really is a little damp for the ladies,—eh, Brown ? Mr. Brown (basely). Well, if you ask me, I think we’ve all had about enough of it. [Mrs. B. conceals her mortification. Guests (eagerly). It’s been too charming, too delightful—but we mustn’t be selfish, must we? It would be cruel to expect them to do any more. And they are so wet, poor things! : [ They adjourn with ill-disguised relief and profuse expresswns of gratitude. : | blood can’t bear it. In THE DRawrnG-RooM—LATER. Mrs. Bronpessury Brown 1s shedding a quiet tear by the chimney- piece; Mr. Bronpessury Brown is humming, as he lights 4 candle with one of the programmes. me Mr. B. B. (with offensive cheeriness). Do you know, I shouldn't | wonder if we had a fine day to-morrow—the glass is going up again. | Mrs. B. B. (in a muffled voice). It may, if it likes. Mr. B. B. Come, come, Porry! I’m sure everything went off | very well—considering. I only hope none of the people will get rheu- | matism after it—that ’s all. | Mrs. B. B. I dud-don’t c-care if they all die / ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SENSATIONAL TO A DEGREE. (Report of a Lecture by a Professor of the Future.) YesTeRDAY the recently-appointed Professor of Popular Science delivered his inaugural lecture to the students of the Four Inns of Court in the Drill Hall of the D. O. Rifle Volunteers. It will be remembered that following the lead of the Authorities of the Inner Temple, who some time since gave a ‘learned At Home,” the Masters of the combined Bench have recently estab- lished a chair or rather, trapéze of Athletic Philosophy. The apartment was filled with students and utter-barristers, who exhibited the most lively interest in the spirited proceedings. The Professor, who appeared in academical costume, said that he was much pleased to see so good an attendance, as he wished to teach by example rather than by word of mouth. He would first go through a few performances. Upon this he threw off his gown and disclosed a closely fitting suit of spangles. The band of the Inns of Court Volunteers having struck up a lively tune, the Professor quickly sprang into the air, and catching the bar of a trapéze, went through a series of evolutions of the most ex i and intricate character. Returning to the ground he resumed his gown and bowed his acknowledgments to the thunder of applause that greeted his return to the reading-desk. ‘* You have seen,” he observed, ‘‘ that it is perfectly easy to fly through the air with the assistance of the horizontal bars. And the principle may.be carried further. I have here a small steam-engine, and by sitting on the safety-valve, thus, I accumulate an amount of force sufficient in volume to raise me some distance from the ground. In the event of the boiler bursting I shall, no doubt, rise to a very considerable altitude; indeed——” at this point the Professor's learned discourse was interrupted by the bursting of the boiler to which he had called attention. Several of those present attended the subsequent inquest, which brought the proceedings to a sensational, if somewhat, melancholy conclusion. Aveust 18, 1888.] ~ | FANCY. POR-TRAIT- THE -HESSIAN-PLY ~ | Ovr ARTIST TRUSTS IT WILL NOT BE FOUND, AS THIS IS, ‘‘on THE Hop.” ‘‘JeuNE pour LA JEuNESSE.’’—The subscriptions sent to the Editor for Mrs. Jeunr’s Three- Weeks-in-the-Country-for-the-Poor-Children Fund have been forwarded to Mrs. Jeune. And for all we have received Mrs. Jeune and the children are truly thankful. used to go riding into the Sea as bold as a lion, and shouting out to his delited Ma to sce how brave he was. Well, after a time the pore littel feller’s legs got quite strong, and he could ewen manage to wark a littel. But now cums the curiusest part of my story. Not one penny ROBERT’S STORY OF JACK THE GIANT. I coopy’r refuse a offer as I reseeved the other day from a good old frend to spend from Satterday to Munday at dear old Broadstares, more cmneaalll as hinside his hinwitashun he henclosed a return ; ticket. Ah! that’s wot I calls inwiting a frend in a trooly royal | wood Jack take from the gratefool Mother for all his long services. manner, tho’ I am told as Royalty sumtimes forgits that nice little | No one knew who she was. She seemed to know noboddy, but she atenshun, and leaves poor Dooks and Markisses to pay their hone | had plenty of money, and was as ginerous with it as a Princess cood fairs, which don’t seem quite fare to me. | be, but nothink wood Jack take, till one day, when he was a going I didn’t find much change in nice quiet Broadstares. There’s the | away fora munth, he managed to stammer out that, if she didn’t same old black Peer, and the same nice wite cliffs, and the same | think it a ment py shood like to have littel Franx’s pictur. | butifool yaller sands, and the same brite blue sea, and the same little | think as he called it his Haughtygraff, for JACK wasn’t much of a imperent tavern as will call itself the Albion! As if there cood be|Skollar. However, you may be sure as he hadn’t long to wait for 2 Albions! But there was one thing as I soon missed, and that was | it, and away he went. 7 : my old frend Jack the Boatman. Jack was a grate giant of a feller, Whether it was that he missed Jack, or whether it was a chill as and the idle of all the children. Lor, what fun he used to have on| he got one windy day, or what it was, noboddy seemed quite to | the sands with the pretty littel darlings, to be sure. They used to| know, but by the time as Jack came back pore littel Frank was | call him Jack the Giant. I’ve sumtimes seen three or fore of ’em on| worse than ever, and was at last confined to his bed. Jack used to his hack at wunee, and he on his hands and nees a pertending to be their orse, and they a spurring and a wippin on him like mad. Well, it seems that larst Summer a Lady used to cum on the Sands every day with her Servent and a pore littel feller of a boy, about five or six year old, who had amost lost the use of his pore littel legs, and the Doctor had told his pore Mother that the only dane of recov- ering the use of ’em was sea-bathing, but nothink would induce the pore littel chap to go into the Sea. Tie used to screem and struggel so that it was shocking to hear and see him. So his pore Mother had to give it up, but she came ewery fine day on the Sands, and sat as close to the sea as she eood, in opes sum day to tempt him in. Well, one day sumbody happened to tell Jack all about it, so what | does he do but he goes and he sets hisself down by the side of pore | littel Franx, that was the littel chap’s name, and he began a torking to him all about the Sea, and wot fun it was to go and catch a lot of | fishes and bring ’em home and have ’em for dinner. And that’s all he said that day. The nex day he did the same, and the nex, and FRANK got so used to him that he quite missed him if he wasn’t there. | So one day Jack says to him, ‘‘ Woodn’t you like to git on my back, and let me be your horse and take you into the Sea?” And little Frawx says, ‘“No, I shoodn’t,” says he, ‘for I don’t want to git wet, and don’t mean to.” ‘‘ But suppose I promises that you shan’t | git wet,” says Jack, ‘‘what then?” ‘* Then I don’t think I shood | beleeve you,” says he, larfing out quite merrily. ‘‘ But suppose | your Ma says as you may trust me, woodn’t you beleeve me then?” | ‘Yes, I think I shood,” says he. So at larst after a good deal of | perswadin he lets Jack take him on his back and in they goes a littel | ways into the Sea, and Jack brings him back to his delited Ma as | appy as a king and as as a bone. After a time Jack got him to have his shoes and stockings off and to ride on Jack’s back into the Sea, and his Mother made | him a pair of butifool blew rains, and bort him a littel whip, and he go every day to see the pore littel darling, and could always get a smile from his little wan face, even when his pore Mother failed, But it was all in wain, and before long it was all over, and the pore litte! feller was at rest. They buried him at the old church at St. Peter’s, and you may be sure that Jack was there, and if his greef wasn’t quite so grate as his pore Mother’s, it wasn’t a werry long ways off it. Jack took just one long long look into the littel grave, and then went his way. He left the place the next morning, and forgot to say where he was a going to, and hasn’t cum back yet, and sumthink strikes me as he won’t cum back there no more. It seems a strange thing that a grate, hulking, ruff, uneddicated Boatman, like Jack the Giant, shood have had such a soft, loving heart, but so it was, and so it has been, and so no dowt it will be till we’re all gathered together sum day, rich and pore, big and littel, Waiters and ete ay learned and unlearned, into one loving fold! I think I must be gittin both old and foolish, for pore Jacx’s story quite spylte my hollyday, and sent me home as sollem as a Thasdiwesiaa. Ropert. Srrance Case or Fororrrvtwess on THE Part or A GENTLE- mAN.—In the Reading-Room of a very important City Institution is ysted up the following announcement:—‘‘ On Thursday last an Imbrella was taken from this room, and has not been returned. It had engraven on the handle the name and residence of the Owner. Will the Gentleman, who was and is, doubtless, labouri under some strange delusion as to the ownership of the Umbrella in ques- tion, kindly return me the name-plate, the continued possession of which might cause him some slight trouble at some future time. need not sign my name a: dress, as the Gentleman has them already.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ——___, {Aveusr 18, 1888, “$0 NEAR-—AND Scene—A Danes D t f the House. / t VOoRTH ‘*Do you KNOW MANY PRopLE HERE, ld Srom Kensington), ‘‘ AW—NOT a SOUL, I CAN AssURI P THE PARK, AW! Mr. YET SO FAR!” in BAYSWATER. SwooKkson *?” you! Aw I con I'M QUITE OUT OF MY BEARINGS ANYWHERE MJEKYLL AND MR. O'HYDE, wil th DR. yar t purpose, fr ia popular Original, ) | Stix o'Clock struck, and still Mr. Jonny Bottson was digging at | the problem. Hitherto it had touched him on the intellectual side chiefly ; but now his imagination also was e | enslaved ; and as he lay and tossed in the gross darkness of mental doubt, Mr. Tempus’s terrible tale went by before his mind in a scroll | of lurid pictures. He would be aware of an open park-like space | near a great city, then of the vague, shadowy, undefinable figure of & man, or men, it was impossible to determine which, moving swiftly yet furtively; then of two other figures walking in confi- dential converse ; and then these met, and that shadowy but sinister human Juggernaut struck and trod the two others down, and passed on, regardless of their dying moans. Or else he would see a room in a poor house, amidst thriftil -tilled and poorly-productive fields, where the toiling tiller thereof lay asleep, dreaming, and shuddering at his dreams ; and then the door of that room would be opened, the curtains of the bed plucked apart, the sleeper recalled, and lo! there would stand by his side a figure, again misty but menacing, to whom power was given, and even at that dead hour he must rouse and do its bidding. The figure in these two phases haunted Mr. Butison all the night ; and if at any time he dozed over it, it was but to see it glide the more stealthily through sleeping houses, or move the more swiftly, and still the more swif:ly and secretly through wider labyrinths of lamp- lighted city, or narrower tracks of gloom-shrouded villages; posing oratorically but dimly, like a bleml of Veiled Prophet and platform perorator ; lurking phantom-like, by dark entry and behind stone wall, or scanty hedgerow, with purposes uncertain and unsatisfying, sometimes imitative, at least, of sometimes, as it were, carrying the aspect or suggestion of craven cruelty or blatent imposture ; but always, to the perturbed mind of | the dreamer, equivocal, troublous, terrifying. And still the figure, , or rather | ignity, valour, and beneficence, | or figures, had no face by which he might certainly know it; even | in his dreams it had no face, or one that baffled him by its indistinct- | ness, and melted into the suggestion of many before his eyes; and | thus it was that there sprang up and grew apace in Mr. BuLtsoy’s | mind a singularly strong, almost an inordinate, curiosity to behold the features of the real Mr. O’Hypr. If he could but once set eyes on it, he thought, the mystery might lighten, and perhaps rull altogether away, as was the habit of mysterious things when well | examined. He might see a reason for his friend’s strange preference or bondage (cal) it which you please), and even for the startling manifestation of a seemingly paradoxical will. And at least it would be a face worth seeing—for many reasons; the face of a man —or men—without bowels of mercy, or full of patriotic pitifulness, as was diversely maintained with most contradictory fervour of belief ; a face which had but to partially and indistinctly show itself to raise up in various minds such opposing spirits. ** Poor M‘Jexy ut,” he thoaght, **my mind misgives me; he is in deep waters! This Master O’Hypk, if he were studied, must have secrets of his own: black secrets, by the look of him—in some phases, | at least—secrets compared to which poor M‘JEKYLL’s worst would be | like sunshine. Things cannot continue as they are. Ay, I must put my shoulder to the wheel—if M‘Jexyxt will but let me.” . > * ° 7. > Hitherto it was his practical ignorance of Mr. O’Hype that had swelled his indignation ; now, by a sudden turn, it was what seemed | forced upon him as knowledge. It was already bad enough when the name was but a name, of which he could learn little more. It | was worse when it began to be clothed upon with detestable attri- | butes; and out of the shifting, unsubstantial mists that had so long | baffled his eye, there leaped up the sudden, definite presentment of a fiend. The problem he was thus debating was one of a class that is rarely | satisfactorily solved. ‘‘ There must be a solution,” said the per- | pesos gentleman. ‘‘ There is a solution, if I could only find it. | jod bless me, the Thing seems hardly human! Something like

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avousr 18, 1888. whi | An "Uli Wr \\ \ \ | ; NAT } \; \ | a | i} : il} ’ 4e OHYDE DR. M’JEKYLL AND MR.

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Avoust 18, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Frankenstein's Monster, shall we say, only intimately, inseparably | related to its creator by a sort of clinging identity in dread duality ? | Can it be the old story of Dr. Fetx? Or is it the mere radiance of a foul soul that transpires h and transfigures its clay continent ? The last, I think; for O, my poor old Patrick M‘Jexy xu, if ever I read Satan’s signature upon a face, it is on that of your mysterious associate.” - . * . * M‘JexKyYLL, indeed, stood at times aghast before the acts of O’HypE; but the situation was apart from ordinary law, and insidiousl relaxed the grasp of conscience. It was O’Hyps, after all, an O’Hype only, that was guilty. M‘JexYLL was no worse; he woke again to his = qualities, as man, citizen, and patriot, seemingly unimpaired ; he would even make haste, where it was possible, to undo the evil done by O’Hypr. Thus, at least, self-love asserted ; and thus conscience was made to slumber. And M‘Jexytt himself? Do recent incidents seem, like the Babylonian finger on the wall, to be spelling out the letters of his judgment? Does he begin to reflect more seriously than ever before on the issues and possibilities of his double existence?’ Do things indeed, as his somewhat hot and injudicial accusers sonar assert, seem to point to this: that he is slowly losing hold of his original and better self, and becoming slowly pean with his second and worse? Or, as his more partial friends declare, and as all good and kindly hearts would ardently desire, is the exact contrary the case? Is it, not the fear of the gallows, but the horror of bein O’Hype that now alone can rack him? Does he indeed hate an fear the thought of the brute that slept within or raged beside him ? Has he now seen the full deformity of that creature that shared with him some of the phenomena of consciousness, and was now co-heir with him to death ; and beyond these links of community, which in themselves should make the most poignant part of his distress, does he think of O’H pk, for all his energy of life, as of something not only hellish but inorganic, anarchic, opposed to all essential humanity as to all ordered law ? Who does not hope so? What man, not blinded by national prejudice, or hardened by Party spite, does not desire that closer inguiry may bring only clearer proof of the effective dissolution of the dismal and deadly bond, be it close and abiding as angry foes assert, or light and transient as tolerant friends maintain, between Dr. M‘Jexyii and Mr. O’Hype? LETTERS BEFORE PROOFS. Dear Mr. Ponca, THE practice of publishing letters that were dashed off by the writers at a moment’s notice, and without any intention of being read by anyone save the recipient, has become so fashionable that I am thinking seriously of printing a collection that I have made myself. But before doing so {wal like to ask your advice upon a point connected with the matter. First, however, I had better give you a few specimens from what I call my ‘‘ note ”-book. The first is from a well-known statesman relative to the conduct of acolleague. For the moment I suppress names, but you may take it from me that they are full of interest :— Dear Varin, I consider —— one of the most incapable dolts it has ever been my ill-fortune to meet. At the Cabinet yesterday, when the — Bill was considered, he made himself a laughing-stock by his ignorance and vulgarity. I felt quite distressed that I should have to dine with him in the evening. But my wife would not let me off, and I had to take her and myself to his hideously hospitable board, and I need searcely say spent an utterly miserable evening. Yours, &c., Here is another. It is from an eminent tragedian, and refers to the first appearance of a fellow player :— My Dear Otp May, Waar an idea! You absolutely think that —— can gley Hamlet ! Why, the man has no more notion of acting than the an in the Moon! Why, he cannot even speak the Queen’s English, much less deliver blank verse! Awkward, ungainly, indistinct! The best thing he ean do is to return to the ploughfield, from whence, I imagine, he must have been called away on reaching is majority. I would write more were it not that I have to sup with him after his painfully wearisome performance. . Yours, &c., ere is another about a not ver ular Judge, written by one of his Brethren on the Bench :— aati . : My Dear Mr. Varmp You ask me what I think of Mr. Justice —-? This is father a difficult problem, as I never think of him at all. Asa wyer, he is beneath contempt, and as a man, or, rather, manikin, he is painfully absurd. Nothing can be more ridiculous than his / ap (JS ~ ety ates eeeesetem heh A NASTY ONE. Colonel Smithson (of the Poonah Marines). ‘‘ By THE WAY, MY Boy AT SANDHURST HOPES TO GET INTO YOUR REGIMENT SOME DAY.” Little Snipson (of the Royal Hussars Green), ‘‘ Aw—I—aAw—noPr your Son 1s up To ovrR Form!” Colonel Smithson. ‘‘ Your Form? HIGH, ANYHOW!” Dasu it, He's OvER Four Fert bearing on the Bench, where he jumps about like an imperfectly educated cock-sparrow, and makes faces and shakes his head like an organ-grinder’s monkey. For all this, he is to be my host on Tuesday, and therefore I think I had better reserve further criticism until we meet. Yours, &c., _, Yet once more :— Dear Vic.,—Can —— write? No. I answer in the negative because I have just waded through his last novel. I had to skip three-fourths of it, and the remainder [ found to be a hash of somebody else’s work! He has asked me to be peu at his Silver Wedding Day. Of course I am going, but I wish I could change the appointment for his funeral. Yours, — There, Mr. Punch! What do you think of the above? Shall I publish them ? Yours truly, Victron Varin, Answer.—Shall you Daas them? Why, certainly! They are y- sure to please—every bi Poor Mr. Bawpmann! About ten days ago he appeared at the Opéra Comique in a character, or rather two characters, totally un- suited to his physique, and for his pains the evening’s performance was greeted with a fair amount of derision. Subsequently he was awarded in the columns of the London Press critiques of the most uncomplimentary character. Later still the entertainment was pre- sented before an audience that warranted, by its appearance, the reflection that, as a pecuniary speculation, the venture might be unfortunate. And, latest of all, somebody applied at the Royal Courts and asked that he might be sent to prison! The Judge, how- ever, was merciful, and on Mr. BanpManwn undertaking not to play in the characters any more until after the Long Vacation, allowed him his freedom. It is ible that his man may have seen the eminent t ian in dual character, which would, of course, account for the view he took of the requirements of the situation !

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ee, REPR Tradesman (to Old Gentleman, who has purchased Lawn-mower). wperatively). ‘‘No, No, No !—1IT MUSTN'T BE OILED PICK ME OUT A Nice Rusty One. My Neicnsovur’s C'ustome? K HERE ousiy Lo u il i UAL TY, Mi {) Ui i | ISALS! ‘Yes, Str, I'iu On IT, AND SEND IT OVER IMM——’ I won't HAVE IT O1LED! Minp THAT! I want Norse! AND, CHILDREN HOOT AND YELL TILL TEN o’CLOCK EVERY NIGHT, so0”— RY Mornino!!” ' ‘*T MEAN TO cuT My Grass FROM FouR TILL SIx EVE THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. July 3#.—The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me or Carrie, or both. We seem to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing, and this unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal times. This morning for some unaccountable reason we were talking about balloons and we were as merry as possible, but the conversation drifted into family matters, during which, Carrre, without the slightest reason, referred in the most uncomplimentary manner to my poor father’s pecuniary trouble. I retorted, by saying that ‘* Pa at all events was a gentleman,” whereupon Carrie burst out crying. I positively could not eat any breakfast. At the office I was sent for = Mr. Perxurr, who oni he was very sorry, but I should have to take my annual holidays from next Saturday. FRANCHING called at office, and asked me to dine at his Club, ‘‘ The tadical Conservative.” Fearing disagreeables at home after the ‘* tiff’ this morning, I sent a telegram to Carrte telling her I was poing out to dine, and she was not to sit up. Bought a little silver angle for CARRIE. July 31.—Caxrre was very pleased with the bangle which I left with an affectionate note on her dressing-table last night before going to bed. I told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next Saturday. She replied quite happily that she did not mind except that the weather was so , and she feared that Miss Jrssons would not be able to get her a seaside dress in time. I told Carre that I thought the drab one with pink bows looked quite good enough, and Canrre said she should not think of wearing it. I was about to discuss the matter, when remembering the argument yesterday, resolved to hold my tongue. I said to Canrre, “‘I don’t think we can do better than ‘Good old’ Margate.” Cannrre, not only to my astonishment raised an objection to Margate for the first time, but begged me not to use the expression ‘‘ Good old,” but to leave it to Mr. Srriierooxk and other gentlemen of his type. Hearing my "bus pass the window, I was obli to rush out of the house without issing CARRIE as usual, and I shouted to her, ‘I leave it to you to decide.” On returning in the evening Carrie said she thought as time was so short she had decided on Margate, and had written to Mrs. Becx, Harbour View Terrace, for apartments. August 1.—Ordered a new pair of trousers at Bensamrn’s, and told them not to cut them so loose over the boot. The last pair being » loose and also tight at the knee, looked like a sailor’s, and I heard Pirt, that offensive young cub at the office call out ‘* Hortipipe!” as I passed his desk. Carrre has ordered of Miss Jrppons a pink Garibaldi and blue serge skirt which I always think looks so pretty at the seaside. In the evening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat while I read to her the ‘‘ Exchange and Mart.” We had a good laugh over my trying on the hat when she had finished it, Carnie saying it looked so funny with my whiskers, and how the people would have roared if I went on the stage like it. August 2.—Mrs. Breck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms at Margate. That’s off our mind. Bought a coloured shirt anda pair of tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerks wearing in the City, and I hear are all the ‘‘ go.” August 3.—A beautiful day. Looking forward to to-morrow. | Carrie bought a parasol about five feet long. I told her it was | ridiculous. She said, ‘‘ Not worse than your coloured shirt.” 50 | the matter dropped. I bought a capital hat for hot weather at the | sea-side. I don’t know what it is called, but it is the shape of the | helmet worn in India, only made of straw. Got three new ties, two | coloured handkerchiefs, and a pair of navy-blue socks at Pork | Brorners. Spent the evening packing. Carrie told me not to forget to borrow Mr. Hiceswortn’s telescope, which he always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it. Sent Saran out for it. | While everything was seeming so bright, the last post brought us 4 letter from Mrs. Beck, saying, ‘‘I have just let all my house to one party, and am sorry I must take back my words, and am sorry you must find other apartments.” Avevust 6rH.—Memorable this year as ‘‘ The First Heat.” Omirrep From THE “Sr. J. G.” Repertorre. — ‘‘ Under the | Greenwood,”’

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Averst 18, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 11. | : Wii - et = SHOOTING GROUSE ON THE MOORS. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, August 6.—Curious place, ane of Commons, Summoned to-day to take Report Stage of — Commission Bill; everybody discussing probable course of ebate ; would Amendments be moved? If so, howmany? Would wees be made? If so, how long? In the end House never ached Commission Bill at all. Scotch Members, envious of pro- | minent position reached by Irish, determined to do bit of obstruction | on own account. On the whole, rather dreary business. If we must have obstruction, prefer Irish brand. Wattace began it at Saturday sitting—not WaLvace of Elderslie and Auchinbothie, but Member for East Edinburgh. Pragmatical person who delivers Latin tags with Perthshire accent. Suddenly dawned u him that he is a humorist. Discovery made on Saturday. Girded in hippopotamic manner at Lonp-ApvocaTE ; House always laughs when it looks on or thinks of Lorp-ApvocaTE; laughed when WaLLace said something rude about him; Watzace delighted with unexpected success ; hammered away at joke on Saturday afternoon ; brought it up again

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PUNCH, OR THE Lé

[Aveust 18, 1888, INDON CHARIVARL

| to-night ; hammered on for thirty-five minutes. Speaker at critical moment prevented manslaughter by peremptorily shutting up WALLace at thirty-seventh repetition of joke. ‘‘In my experience,” said Speaker, “‘I have never known the latitude usually allowed to an Hon. Member so much abused as on this occasion.” ouse for over half-an-hour when Now, resuming seat, com- ” Been boring SPeAKER_ interposed. é ‘ jlained that, ‘‘ in consequence of SPEAKER’s ruling, fe must sit down without having delivered the speech he had prepared from a sense of duty to his constituents and his country! Good, that—for WALLACE. “Off and on I’ve sat in this House for twenty- three years,”’ said Lord Ctaup Hamitton. ‘“* Have seen and heard some things in my time. But if Scotch Members are going to practise obstruction, I think I'll go.” So writ moved for new Election, and Chiltern Hundreds fresh Steward. Members, had their little joke. To-day Bank Holiday. Other branches of labour- ing classes struck work all over the country; so Lords, who usually begin business at half-past four and adjourn at tive minutes to five, determined to make a night of it. Took Local Government Bill in Committee. Pegged away till quarter to two to-morrow morning ; got Bill clear through Committee. Business done.—In the Lords, a good deal; in the Commons, none. Tuesday.—‘* Heard the news?” said Admiral Fretp. Met hi Lobby on starboard tack, close-hauled, a newspaper reefed in his hand, and flag of distress flying. ‘‘ Awful!” he said, laying-to, and jibbooming his lee scuppers with his pocket-handkerchief. ‘‘Oban taken by the Chanel Squadron. Aberdeen bombarded by four line-of-battle ships forming part of Admiral Frrzroy’s Attacking Squadron. standing on {nchkeith, in the Frith of Forth. Always said it would come to this. Came into House little late to save my country. But done my best. Been laughed at, sneered at, snubbed by First Lord, who doesn’t know a halyard from a yard that isn’t haled ; and now, you see, where we are.” Admiral shook in my face the news of hapless Aberdeen, and unfortunate Inchkeith, and sheered off to blast other ears with the direful news. Meanwhile, House of Commons going on with | Commission Bill, just as if hand of invader were not laid heavily on Scotland. By desperate coup Ovp Moxatiry had snuffed out all Amendments on Committee stage. At One o’Clock on par- ticular morning Clauses peremptorily put from the Chair, and carried. Here they come up again on the Report Stage, “like Snarleyow, the Dog Fiend,” says Admiral Mayne, who still reads Marnyatr. Anyhow, a dogged debate. House, curiously full, considering end of all things at hand. Harcovrr looks in after dinner. Rapidly catches up drift of debate; plunges in, “like elephant in a tank,” as CHAPLIN says; splashes splendidly ; seized opportunity to speak disrespectfully of profession of Law, sneering at ‘Old Bailey view” taken of Bill by Home Secretary. This brought up Epwarp CLARKE with lively speech, that greatly delighted House. Went straight for Harcourt, regardless of dis- parity of size. Bit and snapped, and, on the whole, made Harcourt rather wish he ’d stopped another half hour at dinner. House sat long way into to-morrow morning. Still didn’t pass Bill. Business Done.— Report Stage of Parnell Com- mission Bill. Thursday.—Strange thing happened to- night. Time, Eleven o’Clock. Indian Budget on. James Srcart demonstrated afresh how a really able man in own line can prove utter failure in House of Commons. Eight Members present, including Speaker. Half asleep myself. | Exit L

“You may and you Mayne’t.” Old Saw. from man next to me. Looked Up ; found it was WALLACE. Noise continued. f Strange contortion of features. Getting alarmed.

| make light of it. Colie?”

- a tae WALLACE + “—y into really humorous remark. | Lords, not to be outdone by Scotch | him crossing the | Forth Bridge destroyed, and not a stone} Roused by hearing noise like crackling of thorns under a pot. Came | “What's the matter, old fellow?” I said, cheerily, trying * * No,” said Wattace. ‘‘ I’m laughing.” **Ob,” I said, quite relieved. ‘‘ But what are you laughing at?| Not at Srvart, I hope?” ‘Dear me, no! Frexp, don’t and the bombardment of Edinburgh, and why wasn’t he there? Capital!” < More crackling of thorns under the ey pot ; additional facial contortions. | ** Ah, that was very funny,” I said, ‘*but it happened a long time ago. Came on at Talf-past Four; now it’s Eleven.” ‘Yes, I know,” said Wattacz, ** Heard it at the time; only just seen the joke. Often takes me that way: sometimes it’s a day after; occasionally a week. To-night I’ve been rather sharp. But it comes sooner or later, Assure you, though you mighn’t think it, there’s very little in the way of « good joke J miss, take the Session through.” | Nice, well-meaning man, WALLAcz; | though, regarded as a companion, a little embarrassing; appropriates his| daily share of humour by sort of slow- | . Never know when you ou know, and Lorp-Apvocarr, Glad he finally saw the little joke | about Lorp-Apvocate and Edinburgh | got up at Question Time between Fretp and Lorp-ADVOCATE. How was it, Frevp asked, that Lord | Provost of Edinburgh, as Lord High | Admiral of Firth of Forth, took no| steps to defend Leith against attack | by fleet, which led to bombardment of Edinburgh ? ' Lorp-ApvocaTe, with just a twinkle of mirth on his massive countenance, gravely replied that that distinguished naval officer, the Lord High Admiral of the Firth of Forth had only a phantom | fleet under his command, and had acted wisely in =y it out of sight. Humour being contagious, CALDWELL asked SECRETARY of | Stare for Wax how it came to pass that Lorp- ApvocaTeE holding | commission as Colonel in Militia, was not at | post of danger? SrannHope, in delightfully official manner, explained that the land | forces not being called into action, the gallant Colonel’s services had not been needed. A |most admirable bit of fooling. Fortunate, however, end of Session near, and WALLACE |will be out of harm’s way. Wouldn’t do | for him to be often taken as he was to-night. Business done. 5 Absent from the Post o Danger. Indian Budget. Saturday.—Winding things up to-day. | At it yesterday with extraordinary effect. | At Question Time OLp Moratiry indicated a dozen Orders of the Day to be dealt with | before the Adjournment ; looked like Three |o’Clock in the morning again; but by | Eleven all over. Arranged that, after Royal |Commission on Monday, Parliament shall jadjourn till Tuesday, 6th of November. | Irish Members appalled at prospect of being |silent for nearly three months on pain of |going to prison. Charm of British legis- |Iation is, that what in Member speaking | from below the Gangway is but a choleric |word, is flat blasphemy in same Member | speaking at Clonakilty. Say what you like lat Westminster. For saying half as bad at | Westmeath, you’re clapped into prison. | “* A strange world, my masters,” says JOSEPH On. in “+ mood. ‘hing is to make most of present oppor-_,, ” tunities. This Irish Maubere do. Other “ 42 unbroken front. |Members want to go home. But Axens-DoveLsas on _ at the |door. Presents unbroken front of resistance. ‘‘ Wait a bit, dear | boy,” he says, persuasively. ‘‘ You needn’t dine here to-night, but | | we must see Ad; yurnment carried.” So they tarry till end comes. | | Business done.—All. |

“Over THe Borper witn Cuar.ie.”—The question betwee Mr. Panwewt and Mr. WALTER is, it seems, to be settled in Edinburgh, This being the case, one of the parties will not escape Scot free! If the report is not a ‘ bang,” it will cost more than “ saxpence.”

CH NOTIVE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no etee be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. To this rule

HE PRIZE GREAT RICE ad @, Agents » y Manufact. PET! CHI

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it’s PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aveusr 18, 1888. THE HINDOO PEN. gue Point. Three Grades, Mos. 1, 2, and 8. ae N°S.HINDOO PEN mm MACNIVENE CAMERON EDINBURCH “are oanely inestimabie.”—Covat Jow aman. $ Bresyaten 6d. and ls. per Box Semple Box, with all the ‘kinds’ ls. ld. by Post. ACNIVEN & CAMERON, WAVERLEY WOKKS, EDINBURGH, DBA, PRE PARIS ; 1878. CE. een L her er. ink fa lon we | INAHAN’S “THE CREAM RE, MILD, AND LL up Then, MELIOW, ausaous ANB WHOLESOME, WHISKY. HE PRIZE MEDAL, OUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET, LONDON, W. RK DISTILLERIES COMPANY Ix E MEDALS FOR FOR ow Medal, Paris, aie? aney , 1879; ; Three Prise full flavor 8 and ‘VEE ERY § in aah Award Centensial Exhibition, 18676. ‘YSQUESTION ABLY as Ane wish to HIS FINE OLD WHISKY may be had of the princi end Spirit Dealers, and is Siow tale merchants in casks aud cases b ORK DISTILLERIES COMPANY LIMITED , MOUKKIDUN'S ISLAND, IR18H WHISK Philsdelphia, 1876 First Prize Medal, PRY ‘fin 1663. Wine whole- ELEVEN YEARS OLD. This Grand Old Whiskey ie a biend of the produce Stills. 25s. the Gall, 50s. the Dozen. Cash only. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., wd %, HART 8T., BLOOMSBURY, We, late of Albany St., N.W. Agents for India: —Ovruza, _ & Co. socle bottle, a a sample, will be sent } pest free t o any address on receipt of P.O. for EXSHAW & C0.’S " FINEST OLD BRANDY. ° per dos as impo Ww Seacetea ate. Rearat Serest, w. "CALL’S PAYSANDU 0X TONGUES. \DAMS’S FURNITURE POLISH. THE OLDEST AND BEST. me Qvees” the Lady's Newspaper, “ feels no in recommending it.” Grocers, Ironmongers, Oitmen. te y Manet, "y—VALLEY ROAD, SHEFFIELD. PETER F.HEERIN( COPENHACE GOLD MEDAL CHERRY BRANDY te FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE “Tt consider it a very rich delicious Cocoa.” COCOA —W. H. 8. STANLEY, 4.0. THE BEAUTY OF THE SKIN ENHANCED BY POUDRE D'AMOUR a Sante by Picanp ay Parfumeurs). wder very 4 mF.» A. Cosmetic, for beautify ng and soften- ing the Skin. I¢ will be equally weicomed by all, for imparting a most natural fraicheur to the complexion tiemen will find it most soothing and pleasant for use after shaving In three tints ; Blanche for fair skins, Naturelle for darker complexions, and Rachel for use by artificial _ Price 1s. Hy Post, free from observation, ls. 34. To be ned. LF all Hairdressers, Chemists, &¢ Whelesale Depét: B. HOVENDEN & SONG, 31 axp %2, BERNERS STREET, W And 91- “05, CITY ROAD, EC, BURCOYNE’S Clustralien WINES.) TINTARA, BRANXTON BURGUNDY, HIGHERCOMBE. THE “PREMIER” RAZOR STROPPING MACHINE LONDON z E 3 ¥isa i) Zen e ASE 3 + q £523 | >see FE. ae Ae dial “Tes in every way, on razors keen and razors blunt, the machine is riection. There is no trouble, science, or skill involved in ite use You merely fix your razor in the holder, edge down- wards, turn a handle slowly for « few seconds, and, behold the weapon ix as keen—weil, let us say, asa razor should be.""—EKaraascr oy Trerimontat. J. GORDON, Winchester House, Old Broad &treet, London, FE. TOBACCONISTS COMMENCING. OW TO OPEN REMUNEBRATIVELE from any H amount however small or iarge Lustrated talogue (post free), LESSER PRIBDLANDER, 3, Houndsditch London. Established 60 years. iia HAIR.—ROBARE'S AUREOLINE vduces the beauliiw olden Colour so muca Wa es Ta ana Ws. 64., t di pn Lcomtdl theenghen aie par & Bons, 31 and 2, berm rid, ve ute RK. ne ers Street, Lov w. M . V. EERREEK & 004 DUTCH B BULBS. Growers of: Hyecinths, Tulips, Crocus, arcissus, Lilium, acannon, mones, and all ane. Kulos and Plants elivered free to destination f G Britain. No ing charges. Early Orders reapect fully solicited. Ask the logue for Amateurs. BEST BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER'S INK (DICHROIC). Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT; HAYDEN & CO,, 10, Warwick Square, E.O. Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DRAPER, Ltd., Dublia. BALL- POINTED PENS. H. HEWITT’S PATENT.) As used by B.RH. the Prince of Wales, These Pens neither scratch nor spurt, but glide over the roughest paper. They hold more ink end last longer. Six sorts, suitable for ledger, bold, rapid, or profes- sonal writing Assorted Hox of 43 fens for 4. \d.; or with mene A rp be er, for Ls. 6. Free of all Stationer ORMISTON & GLASS, Edinburgh. FLOR DE JAVA MILD INDIAN CIGARS a4 an exquisi'ely choice flavour and delicate aroma, , 20s., and 186 per Box of 100, Post Free Samples, 4 and 6 for ls. (14 stamps). BEWLAY & CO, 49, Strand, and 143, Cheapside. Agents for Great Hritam BRILL'S SEA SALT. 14d. per Bath. BRACING AND REFRESHING, OF ALL CHEMISTS, &c. NERVOUS DEPRESSION, Debility, Rheumatism, Gout, Sciatica, T: wpid Liver, Kidney Disorders, and every form of weakness may be speedily cured by wearing HARNESS’ ELECTROPATHIC Bo Bhock or Discomfort whatever Thousands of Testimonials. Pamphiet and Cali TO-DAY, if possible, of write at once to Mr. C. B HARNESS, Con- 52 OXFORD ST., LONDON, w. 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G.BRANDAUERSC! fRCULAR 4% ASPENS Seven Prize Medals gwarded, Assurts J Some le Box, 6d., or post free for] stomps fro C. Brandauer & Co.'s Pen Works, Birmingham. Cubebs, Strameonium, and Cannab.Ind Aiways relieve, and frequently cure Asthma, Throat Cough, Bronchiti« Influenza One Cigarette insures « good night's rest, Box of 12, ls, ; Hts 64 SAVAR’S CUBEB CIGARETTES. oma ee ‘a Randal Wo 8, 0. Bd. per he " HOWARD BEDFORD PLOUGHS.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avcusr 18, 1888. WON’T WASH CLOTHES. Makes Makes Makes Makes Makes Makes Cleans Copper Tin Windows Paint Marbl Brass and like like like look = like Polishes Gold. Silver. Crystal. New. White. Mirrors. Everything, Sold by Grocers, Ironmongers, and General Dealers throughout the Country. If not obtainable near you, send 4d. in stamps for full-size Bar, free by post; or ls. for Three Bars, free by post (mentioning ‘*‘ Punch’’), to B. BROOKE & CO., 36 to 40, YORK ROAD, KING’S CROSS, LONDON, N. Parish of #6 J County of Midaiaaes, Omees of Memra, Bredbury, Agnew Lombard So , aed Pedlishes ay ley be ms} tweet, ots tows ot'oh Bride hy of tt tH ‘ag wot ion” PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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‘‘A Pictorial Key to the History of the Queen’s Reign.’’—rau mau cazerme MF PUNCH’s VICTORIAN ERA. \ Being the Fifty Years of the Queen's Reign (1837—1887) as reflected and illustrated in the ** Punch” Cartoons, with a Descriptive Narrative. In 3 fine royal 4to vols. containing quite 1000 Cartoons, elegantly bound, 42s.

> c “ > “ S33SY¥HL 301d 3ON3d y/ N° 2459. VOLUME THE ene el NINETY-FLPTH. (ope —— as AUGUST 25, Puen vatAly a PUA bY OL “Ms ene VOLS iia ii, y PUBLISHED seaeticen: faith » Te \i'aas)s PUNCH OFICE, 85, aces STREET, “~~ “gran Rs 15 Mi y AND SOLD BY. ALL BOOKSELLERS. a4 = HWE TABLE WATERS QUEEN ane PRINCE of WALES. Sales during 1887, 12.289.260 Bottles. at the General Post Office as a

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PUNCH, OR THE THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Avovsr %, 1888.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL RS 85

THE WHITE ETON mat loth jerkins and snowy neckgirdlers, were called ‘‘ the White . y Os. | (A Companion Story to “ The Black Arrow.”) 2 ee ye pat works of pope alt asked Jonn. ‘ . , augh!”’ said Dick; ‘‘y’ area milk-sopping baby not to know | PRoLocur.— Robin Hood-<d- Thought-tt. that your Bard of Avon lived heveafter—aye, whan Hanky SIXT was Ow a certain afternoon in the late springtime, the bell upon Bolton | long dead, and Harry E1enr—to say naught of Bersre—were | Moat House was heard ringing at an unaccustomed hour. Far and | flourishing. An I guessed rightly, I should ye a poor shrew of near P na began to desert their labours |# sniveller! But why did you ask—I mean why putteth you me and nged together. An express had | to the question ? come calling the whole village to boot | “* Because, forsooth, it remembered me that in As You Like it, and saddle. For the daysof Sir Waurer | may it please ye, a lad and wench marched about together, one Scorr had returned again to Merrie | disguised and the other not, as we do?” England, and the British language had} _“ Nay,” retorted Dick; “if that be your tune, so be it, anda become all but unintelligible. | plague be with you! Nay, blow me no nose! I love not snivellers !" Sir ALLoverR OatTus the Parson and Each turned aside, and then began walking off severally. Thus Cotwgy Hatcu were arming for the they had many adventures of a more or less mysterious character fray,and Poutrzy Yarp the Archer | until, after parting in a ditch and meeting in a chapel, they found P was reading to the little children the themselves separated by the necessities of the story. For, as the old , of G. P. R. James, wherein he | Chronicles hath it, ‘‘Can ye make bricks without straw?” And, A Page for a Romance of the ena certain hints that helped him | gain, ‘* What availeth a lot of characters unless, may it please ye, Middle Ages. bravely in his phraseology. you can put them in a number of startling situations?” “Poor shrews!” he exclaimed. “I have no natural lord but| ‘So boy and girl between them, with the assistance of winkin King Harry THE TENT, and it is an ill wind that bloweth to me-| tapestry, purposeless spies, and dialogue containing a good deal of ward no good but what may be found in a quarrell fixed in a windac.” | the second person singular, managed somehow or other to get through “Y’ are a strange looking rogue,” replied the children, clapping | two hundred and fifty pages, without counting varlets, outlaws, and their hands with glee. men-at-arms. But in good sooth the work was as tough as a Church Nay, A 4 += the od Aah. yt =r sooth, mene steeple of a Lenten Sunday ! | and Shuttlewit run in, but my unsel sits o’one side c —C * 3 ‘ waiting!” No doubt the worthy churl would have said more to the F ardor ah ye veneer * any guating. . | same effect had not an arrow at this moment sung in the air like a| _4N® the two hundred and fifty pages having been passed, it now huge hornet. It struck old Povtrry Yarp between the shoulder- | ¥%% time to bring in something about RicHarp Crooxsack, and blades, and pierced him clean through as he fell among the cab , | the Wars of the Roses. Thus it happened that one day, Dick, having | “By my faith,” eried Conner Haren, “and in good sooth, dash armed himself more like a gentleman than usual, heard the sound of | my wigge, but it hath a scroll that will make Sir ALLoveR turn paper | ® trumpet. He came within sight of a booth, and found a most fierce | colour an pray like a windmill. Fetch me a link, and let us read encounter raging on the road before it. There were seven or eight the writing stuff.” ‘ assailants, and but one to — | head against them. Dick, drawing “ Powltree-yaird fro’ Rob Hood-d-thort-it.” his sword, putting a quarrel in his cross-bow, waving his lance, | “Nay, I like it not,” said all the retainers. unslinging his mace, loading his hand-cannon, and using his dagger “It is a libel,” cried Sir ALLovER the Priest. ‘That every run- with considerable dexterity, was able, after about an hour and a the-hedge in a green jerkin should fasten a scroll so, runs hard on half’s hard work, to render very valuable assistance. ilege—hard |” . . ¥. horse ! : en: m png ae horse a. ~/ for Buck- “Tt ot. b ss at : ” ingham!”’ said the attacked one when his assailants been van- bests not, but put to i will some, Oe Parson,’ responded quished, and then, turning to our hero, demanded, ‘‘ How knew ye

mp ait, a ica ee oe. ,.. Here is ee talk for those who are un- Sie T wes? SVS | clout me a yatd of arrow through your inwards.” | "|. “Tam ignorant of whom 1 speak with,” Dicx answered. ‘Fact ~y “nN, daw!” . ir ALLO “ +o | is, I don’t in the least know ”’—then, ulling himself up, Dras Gs, ow, well o-day!” exclaimed Bir iam, Waet mesons it f |he continued, ‘‘an it please ye, I forgot myself | have mea a : | “It is wrote on a White - Si iest!”’ respec 7 | . - - . wae - | replied one who had been mates? ~- with ge MS < tfully | habit of slipping into English of the Nineteenth Century unawares. | “And what may that be?” returned the ecclesiastic, showing I should have said, by my sooth, and by my halidom, but, my good | increased interest. Lord, I know not your arms. But I see ye have the humpe!” “A White Eton is a sort of neckgirdler of shirtcloth, may it please ‘Humpe me no humpe,” replied the other, and a singular sneer | ye, and also as a title as a Black Arrow, and as appropriate |” layed about the Pew nobleman’s mouth as he made answer. | Now was it found that Rosin Hoop-A-THovent-ir had written hen he added—** But the time is ripe for making you Sir Ricuarp. on his seroll that he had plenty of “‘ Whyte Etons,” from whence he Ye have pleased me—kneel me a kneel!” ? had sent thither the specimen circlet, and intended to use them upon In the bottom of his heart Dick already entertained a great ¢ bodies of those who had given him offence. Upon this the Priest terror and some hatred for the man whom he had rescued; but ve Dick a sealed packet with this superscription :—‘‘ To my Ryght the invitation was so worded that it would have been cruel to Worshypful Master, Sir Dante Kwyour, be thys delivered in haste,” refuse or hesitate, so he hastened to comply and was Knighted. and thus, having secured the “ y,” the ‘messenger hurried away to| ‘And now, good Sir Ricwarp,” sai the Crookback, “‘ you may | obtain the wherefore. - get married as soon as it may please ye, and have done with it.”’ Bowing gracefully, the young man departed to find out and engage is Book Frrst.—Lad and Lady. in seni canbel Sir Dayter, who, he had discovered recently, had | Stk Danret and his men lay in about Tea Kettley that night, | been his father’s murderer. Just as he was on the point of finishin | warmly quartered and well patrolled. But the Knight was one who|the traitor loon in question, it oceurred to him that the wickec i: rested from mney gene. Knight should die by the aid of an arrow. For had not Rosi Bring up yon fellow,” cried he, and one of the retainers led up a | Hoop-A-THovent-r7 said as much at the beginning of the story ¢ my cringing old man, as pale as a candle, and all shaking with the} So, stepping aside, he awaited events. Hereon all of a sudden a en fever. “Ye deal in treason, e; ye trudge the country | bow sounded like a noteof music. = 5 leasing ; y’are heavily suspicioned of the death of severals.”’ An arrow flew, carrying with it a stiff linen circlet, marked ‘* Six Right honourable and my reverend Lord,” the man cried, ‘‘ here | groats the twelve ones.” The cirelet wound round the Knight's is some hodge-podge, saving your good presence.” throat, and choked him. Rear f Welladay!” returned the Knight. ‘Goto! Y’aretoocunning,| ‘‘Is the circlet white?” he gasped. “‘ Does it justify the title of vol-fellow, for a livelihood of seventy shillings !” the book ?” And Sir Danrer, who was a very merry Knight,—none merrier in| ‘It is white,” replied Dick, gravely ; ‘‘and therefore may be land,—took a drink of his mulled ale, aad log back smiling. called a White Eton.” t was then that he addressed a lad who was stretched in a mantle} Sir Dante stared wildly, tried ineffectually to follow this reason- on the floor, after taking off his visored head-piece and unloosing a| ing. uttered a piercing cry, and died in much agony. -coloured cloak. "Brox hurried away, entered the church (accom d by the White I will make you a marriage of a thousand | Eton Boys), and was married. When he came forth into the frosty ceedingly. Now eat me a porridge.” air and sunlight, the long files of the army were already winding ims of quaint English having been satisfied, the action | forward up the road. But the wedding party turned upon the other 2 and in less than it takes to write it, Dick and Jom | side, and sat down with sober merriment to breakfast. And the adve far mye | from Sir Dawret and going through a variety of| ‘ merriment” was the “‘soberer” because each dismal reveller was hl miles from Tea Kettley. They did the fens of Bolton | haunted with the apprehension that some day their werner | oatly Forest thoroughly, Son, seeing false lepers, and| tedious and uneventful lives would be recorded by a Nineteent coming across the originals of fair bowmen who Guend in| Century chronicler! An it please ye, so they was! ec ny ’

VOL. XOV. I

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[Avcust

WEEL mounted on his flying steed,— A fleeter never gat up s — Tam skelpit on at sic a As thoroughbred ne’er held in race. Eclipse himself, or Flying Dutchman, Tam’s for swiftness could not touch, man. So s t steed and Tam upon it, Whiles holding fast his gude blue bonnet, Whiles Gow rng round wi’ prudent cares Lest rivals pass him unawares ;

Shareholder, ‘‘ Stop | stor ! THE RAILWAY TAM O’ SHANTER. MORE HASTE “‘A race!” yelled Tam; ‘‘I ought to win it At something like a mile a minute.” So speeds the ‘‘ Flying Scotchman,” so Tam rattles madly on, when lo! A something stirs in Tamre’s noddle : For danger he cares not a boddle, But ithers at his astonished mae he o be Lr <1 [Piends, ** More haste, less speed,”’ think Tam’s Scotch May mean “ mair speed, less deevedends.”

Less DivipEeND !” Through space can one thus wildly whisk Without considerable risk To money-bags as weel as bodies ? bier ‘Seotch shareholders are not nod- ies. Their interest is not Sport but Trade ; To see the trim-laid ‘‘ metals” made Into race-course—or cinder-path, For “‘ record-cutting ” stirs their wrath. To safety and good sense they ’ll rally, And in protesting legion sally ec

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“NE Avevst 25, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. As bees buzz out wi’ angry fyke, | This racing game they canna’ like ; And as Tam flies you see them follow Wi’ monie an eldritch skreech and hollow. Ah, Tam! ah, Tam! though fast thou’rt farin’, Be sure those shareholders thou’rt scarin’ ; The public also have a fear They —_ buy joys o’ speed too dear. teware, Tam, ere this cantrip ends In Danger and low Dividends! THE FUN OF THE N., P. FUND. Ix the little Blue Book annually published by the Newspaper Press Fund, there is a comical misprint in the report of the Chairman’s speech at last year's banquet. The Chairman, following the wise custom intaodiused by H.R.H. the Prince of Wags at every public dinner, wishing to get to the cigars and the real business of the evening after the first toast, quoted the well-known words of Mr. Ducrow, who, when rehearsing an eques- trian drama at Astley’s, found the dialogue tedious, and exclaimed, ‘‘ Cut the cackle and come to the’osses.”” But the reporter and the printer between them have thus reproduced it at p. 13: ‘‘ ‘Cut the cattle and come to the asses.’ (Laughter).”” ‘* Laughter!” We should think so rather! Sir Epwarp CiaRrKgE, Q.C., Solicitor-General presided this year, and drew tears from the eyes and money from the purses of his audience by his earnest wlicitations, ‘* Primate and Confidential.”’ (To Lord Carnarvon.) I THANK you, my Lord, _ I’m quite in accord With the spirit of your suggestions, ‘** Open Churches” are rare, But everywhere We've plenty of ‘‘ Open Questions.” | Jack Tar’s Log at THE Mancvvrrs. — ‘ Lough Swilly”’—the place to pipe all hands for grog. “ CARRY YER BAG, SIRP” | THE RIVAL-TO-THE-BIC-COOSEBERRY CORRESPONDENCE. Letter No. 1. Sir,—I notice in the columns of one of your Contemporaries that the question has been raised, ‘‘ Is Marriage a Failure?” and if you will allow me I should like to answer it. Sir, how can marri be a failure when the household is well conducted ? Let me take my own case. I am a man of great mental attainments, and with a power of nisation that must command respect, Sir, I am not satisfied to leave the care of the home to hands other than my own. Taking for my model the “‘ pater familias ”’ of the famed law-giver, Justinian, I consider it my duty to per- sonally superintend the details of domestic management. Thus I | think it advisable to arrange with the cook the menu of the dinner, | and to consult with the housemaid as to the times and seasons most suitable for the cleansing of the various apartments, for the proper | condition of which I hold her ible. And if occasionally our meals become a little complica and the sweeping the drawing- room carpet is entirely overlooked those are matters only of temporary annoyance, and the great principle that the man should be the head of the household is maintained in all its beautiful significance. From this you must not imagine that I devote my entire time to the arrangement of the proper functions of my servants. On the contrary, I have plenty of leisure for improving the mind of my wife. It is my duty, as it is indeed my pleasure, to to her works of an elevating rather than an entertaining character. Moreover, when it is fine I am always —. to take her with me to see such Museums as that of the School of Mines in Jermyn Street, or the excellent Anatomical Collection attached to Surgeons’ Hall. From this you will gather, that while seeking for instruction I do not ignore the claims of amusement. After these few hints as to the method I pursue in rendering my home a happy one, it is unnecessary for me to indicate further whether in our case marriage is a failure. I am, Sir, yours, Somespopy’s HusBanp. Letter No. 2. . Srr,—I have just seen a rough draft of which the letter sent to you y my husband is a carefully copy. As he is not looking, will you allow me to answer question, “‘Is Marriage a failure ?’ by the significant word, ‘ Rather ! ” Yours truly, Somesopy’s WIFE. Letter No, 3, _ Srr,—as an American, will you permit me to join in your interest- ing Correspondence? The institutions of the free United States enable the enterprising Benedick to marry then obtain a divorce with the greatest possible convenience and dispatch. Thus I have had considerable experience in Matrimony. have consequently entered into the bonds of Wedlock more than once, and can therefore conscientiously declare that Marriage is not a failure. fours y; Troe as Sreev, Letter No, 4. Str,—For the last thirty years—in fact, since I reached my eighteenth birthday—I have given this all-engrossing question my most anxious consideration. In spite of the peculiar custom of Leap Year, I have not yet been able to pat the problem to a practical test. So, speaking for myself, I fear I must confess that arriage is a failure. Yours, singularly, A Mar or Lxa. Letter No, 6. Srr,—Of course Marriage is a failure. What is a fellow to do when he is obliged to give up his Club and his Music Hall, his pals and his smoke? No, Sir, it is not good enough for Yours truly, Letter No. 6, Srr,—Take it all round with the rough and the smooth, the worries of unpaid bills and the trips into the country, the black looks of one’s husband, and the laughter of one’s children, I really do believe that Marriage is not a failure. Yours faithfully, Annet at 50. [This Correspondence to be discontinued upon the discovery of a more engrossing subject in the Silly Season. ] *ARRY AT 20, ‘Tg Marrrace A Farture?”—Evidently not, as it contrives to fill two or three columns eve y; keeps up the circulation of the D. 7. in the D. 8., or D Revivat or THe Orrice or ‘THe Dreecron oy Traysports.”— Why, certainly. Emotional persons ought to be subject to proper control. We hope he will be a firm but sympathetic person. Perhaps an experienced Matron would be best fitted for the post.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avevst 25, 1888, COMING DOWN ON THE SWEATERS. * Quoth Dun-Ravey, Never more! ” THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. August 4.—Got up at six, but as it was pouring wet, and we had been thrown over in res to our a nts at Margate, and (as CARRIE | wisely observed), Monday was Bank Holiday, we would abandon our | visit till Tuesday. We became more than reconciled to this, for the first post brought a nice letter from WrL1e (son by my first), acknow- | ledging a trifling present which Carrre sent isn. the day before | yesterday being his twentieth birthday. To our utter amazement he | turned up himself in the afternoon, having joarneyed all the way from Oldham. He said he had got leave from the bank, and as Monday was a holiday, he thought he would give us a little surprise. August 5 (Sunday).—We had a bottle of port for dinner, and drank dear Wriite’s health. He said, ‘‘Oh, by the bye, did I tell you I’ve cut my first name, ‘Wr.14Mm,’ and taken the second name, ‘Lurty.’ In fact, I’m only known at Oldham as ‘ Lupry Poorer.’ If you were to ‘Wuture’ me there, they wouldn’t know what you meant.” Of course, Lupry being a purely fancy name, CARRIE was delighted, and began ot giving a — istory of the Lurrns. I} ventured to say that I thought Wrt14M a nice simple name, and | reminded him he was christened after his Uncle Wit1am, who was | much respected in the City. Wu-.re, in a manner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly, ‘‘ Oh, I know all about that—Good old Brit!” and helped himself to a third glass of port. CARRIE objected strongly to my saying ‘‘ Good old,” but she made no remark when WIttre used the double adjective. I said nothing, but looked at her, which meant more. I said, ‘‘My dear Wire, I hope you are happy with your colleagues at the bank.” He replied, ‘‘ Lurry, if you please, and with respect to the bank, there’s not a clerk who is a gentleman, and the ‘ boss’ is a cad.’’ I felt so shocked, I could | say nothing, and my instinct told me there was something wrong. Aug. 6, Bank E oliday.—As there was no sign of Lupre moving at nine o'clock, I knocked at his door, and said we usually break- | fasted at half-past eight, and asked how long would he be? Lupry | replied that he had had a lively time of it, first with the trains shaking | the house all night, and then with the sun streaming in through the | windows in his eyes, and giving him a cracking headache. Carnie came up and asked if he would like some breakfast sent up, and he said he could do with a cup of tea, and didn’t want anything to eat. | Luptwn not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, and | said we dined at two; he said he ‘‘ would be there.” He never came | down till a quarter to three. I said, ‘‘ We have not seen much of you, and you will have to return by the 5°30 train; therefore, you will have to leave in an hour, unless you go by the midnight mail.” | He said, ‘‘ Look here, Guv’nor, it’s no use beating about the bush. | I’ve tendered my resignation at the bank.” For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came again, I said, ‘‘How dare you, Sir? How dare you take such a serious step without consulting me ? | Don’t answer me, Sir,—you will sit down immediately, and write a| note at my dictation, withdrawing your resignation and amply | apologising for your thoughtlessness.”’ replied with a loud guffaw, ‘‘ It’s no use. truth, I’ve got the chuck!” A patty Advertisement informs us that ‘‘ She is in active pre- paration. I’ Histoire des Femmes. She's getting herself up regardless of expense. Always in active preparation, and always keeping us waiting. ine my dismay when he | To play the eoncertina’s you want the good old Or, as a street-piano, fin THE PLAINT OF THE GRAND PIANO. I was a grand piano once—nay, hearken what I say— The grandeur is no longer here, it left me yesterday. One leather-souled executant at a sitting could demolish The mellow pride of tuneful years, of tone, and power, and polish. A dapper man, with weary brow, and smile of conscious pow’r, A Jove, prepared to improvise tone-thunder by the hour, Is NasmytH HamMERMANN, whose touch would disconcert the dead, Whose foot would rush with pedal-crush where angels fear to tread. He kept his soul in patience while lesser people played, As one who bears with cruder views that taste-bound souls degrade ; He pitied plaintive melody and winning modulation, Biding his time—and then it came—the afternoon’s sensation. He hovered over the keyboard, like a wild beast over its pre And he tossed his head, and he rattled his wrists—and then to play ; - To play! And in that crowded room was none with heart to see That what was play to him and them was worse than death to me! He struck a chord, as a hawk strikes a lark who is dumb with fear, And his fingers spread over the octaves like a si r in full career, And my overstrung nerves that waited the worst nigh sprung from the shuddering case As he finished his horrible prelude with an awful bang in the bass. He gloated ; I waited; and then began a butchery great and grim, And melody screamed and harmony writhed, and form, rent limb from limb, Was hurled in murderous largesse to the careless, ravening crowd, Who chatted and laugh’d the louder, as my agony waxed more loud. He checked his course, and he wirgled round, till he found the soul of pain, And he thumped it with pitiless fingers, again, again, again! Then, like a paving horse let go, he tore at headlong re (bass. And drowned the tortured treble’s cry in the roar of an anguished My tenderest tones, fhat answer clear the artist’s lightest touch, Were yank’d in handfuls out like hair in some fierce maniac’s clutch, [ pride, And my beautiful keys, that never yet had sullied their tuneful Like elephants with the tusk-ache in ivory anguish cried. Hark to the murmurs sad and low, self-struck upon my sfrings, Such music as a dying love, unknown, unsolaced sings, For yesterday’s undreamt disgrace can never not have been, And I must shrink from music now, and sob ‘‘ Unclean, unclean!” The girls have practised on mein endless ladders of scales, ; Whereby they mounted to castle’d heights, and the realms of fairy tales ; [last And I loved their wayward endeavours, and my patient sweetness at Won them to tell me their love’s young dreams as I hallowed their childhood’s past. And the Governess, meek and modest, who counted the tale of bars, Would slip from the sleeping children, and the schoolroom worries and jars ; (forgot, And the tender heart would open to me, and, work-a-day woes The pencil-cramped hands would tremble, and the tears from her heart well’d hot. They called her a Perfect Treasure, but ’twas I alone who knew The tale of the young life’s struggle, so tender and brave and true ; And when she touched me I told it, and somebody listened and learned, returned. And the winter-time went out of her life, and the daffodil days | And Mavp in her tempers would bang away—Sweet Mavp—for I often heard The fortissimo suddenly ended in a kiss like the chirp of a bird. And Maset’s curious reveries—how soon a piano discovers When : girl gives one hand to her music, and the other is clasped in ier lover’s. Perchance some tender hand again may soothe my tortured heart, May heal the sears of HammMERMANN with balm of rare Mozakt ; Perchance the Nocturne’s mystic feet may through my caverns stray, When great BEETHOVEN’s passion-storms have cleansed the plague away. But no, farewell that happy past ; henceforth I’m only fit ~_ to wandering niggers’ wit ; as jubilant a As a wet day in China when you do not know a soul. Yet it may be my past deserts may win a loftier place, Low in the outer walks of Art, not blatant in disgrace ; And Musie’s tutelary powers may bid their Outcast go And be the sacred music in a panoramic show, ’ And moan “ The Village Blacksmith” when the lights are burning low. he began

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Avevst 25, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. I cara I was oi to = pe toot nae Besouw Maiwa’s Revenge. ‘* Beati qui nihil expectant,” as Major Monsoon —" hath it, “for verily they shall not be disappointed.” The book is simply the Zoological Gardens turned loose with that old Choke- bore Allan Quatermain who, I had hoped, was dead and buried in the previous novel, potting elephants and rhinoceri as if they were shrimps, meeting lions and lionesses and sav: and all the stale Rider- agear- dian materials muddled up together, without even the interesting whereon dried skins of the beasts. ‘faiwa herself, an insignificant person, till page 7. out of a the other is up with stupid stories told. by stupid low comedian Good, whom author and somniferous after- sporting dle carried on by the bore Sir Henry Curtis, the afore- i comedian , and the grand Allan Quatermain him-

a present to Mr, Riper Haeearp of a it—to be found in the application of it— 4 REDAH’S REVENGE! First. Last, anp Onty. QOnarrer. On the dried wing of ‘a Fly-leaf, brought to me by the maiden Konstant Repan, I make out these words :— ‘For Heaven’s sake, whoever you are, try tohelp me. I have been the slave of this awful Rrreragearp for measly four years. He caught me in King Solomon’s Mines; he charmed me, for he is a wizard, with She; and he tortures me now by means of his slaves, Al/ano Quarterman, Baddely Good, and Sir Henry Cowardis. Don’t desert me, or RITERAGGARD and his Impi, the Pubbeli-Shahs, will have another novel ready in less than a week, and I shall be forced to devour every word of it. Help! help! help! I can bear this no longer. * Yours, Jack Livvrey.” _ “Great Heavens!” I ._“ Livvrzy! it must be my old friend, Jack LryvreY, of Liverpil, the great Novel Hunter.” I too had suffered at the hands of Rireracearp and his Impi, and I was determined that they not have another victim if I could yrevent it. Konstant Repan’s eyes gleamed with a vindictive ight. She had often tried to put down the tyrant Rrreracearp, but could not. Now was. her dente, So at once we were on the march. Within a few minutes we were in the Boshibook’s country noes, uTeneo eee i pape pegh —— ae reached the Koppie-Right I lay down on my littery and too an inspiriting eee Punch. It was lucky I did so, for now a strange thing eh per ps Out of the thick red and blue coverts that surrounded the Koppie- tight arose a swarm of fly-leaves, darkening the air like locusts, an through this black density eame flashes like red rays of the setting sun. “It is the Impi’s advertisements,” said Konstant Repan coolly, replying to my exclamation. “I know them. Behold!” I looked, and from underneath this swarm, kicking up a dust all among the Koppie, right and left, came slowly on, as if by forced marches, RITERAGG imself, CHoxesore ALLANO QUARTERMAN, ey ped ae Sir Henry Cowanpis, = ~~ oe Come, a lot of savage Elephants, Rhinoceri, Lions, Tigers, Crocodiles, Snakes, in fact the whole menagerie and travellin troupe. The men were all armed with ing rifles loaded with Saymold ammunition. RirrragearpD had an fifteen thousand Storey’s repeating rifle, with which he was shooting in every direction at random. “Help! help! are cramming Marwa down my throat!” I heard in the Tabeokee dialect. tt was the voice of the great Novel Hunter, Jack Lrvvrer. Not a moment was to be lost. With a dexterous whirl I sent my Paypir-knife whi h air. RrreracesRD, to avoid it stepped backwa and, with a yell such as I have rarel heard, fell thei =< Seeeaeeee, and both tumbled bac ote tate own ite suita’ a different pe trap in ‘or one horse, but quite sui or seapter: with a moral to 1 call,—

Raising my kill-bore-repeater, I put the contents of one barrel into BaDDELY Goop just as he was ing to let off a joke, and he fell with his face to theearth. It was all over with him, and then, before Sir Henry Cowaxpts could recover from his surprise, I let him have the second barrel, and down he went, too, dead as a two-days’-old lass of ale. Vheeling round I saw that old villain, ALLANo UARTERMAN, preparing a ich was to come spinning at my head and catch me as ina net. But at the critical moment [ let fly, and, with a great groan, he, too, fell lifeless, and, though I am a Christian, I cannot say I felt sorry for any one of them. As for the beasts of the menagerie, they were onl tomimic mechanical animals, after all. Many collapsed like bladders on being pricked, and others I ordered to be broken up, together with Rrreraccarn’s whole =| of tricks. When I came up to the trap, I found that it had been turned over and the poor steed, cleverly contrived to imitate a kind of winge« Pegasus got entangled im the but Rrreraccarn, having managed to crawl out, had disa into the coverts of the Koppie-Right. Here he was subsequently found by Konsranr ReEpAH, who tortured him for hours by conan long extracts from his own eccentric books. I left him to her, It was her revenge. The poor Pubbeli-Shahs and the other Impi I let them crawl away as best they could to rejoin Rrreraceann, that is, if anything should be him after Konsranr Repan’s awful torture. T some trouble, but I doubt it. As to poo: yREY, the t Novel Hunter, he threw him- self on his knees and kissed my hand in an ecstasy of gratitude. | gave him a taste of Punch, when he epratily sevt , and then | recommended him a salutary course of Frerpmye, Dickens, and THACKERAY, which he is still yee ae to his advantage. He is now a book-stall keeper at Victoria Station, and uncommonly well. Only when the name of RrveRaGGaRp is menti in his hearing f does a cold shudder come over him, and he tries to hide himself away under the evening newspapers. é ° . And so I went to bed and dreamed that I was in the Garden of Parodies, and that all the above was quite true, and woke up so happy, wrote every word of it down, now sign myself, Yours ever, Tue Botp Baron ve Boox-Worms. P.S.—And just one hint to the sensational author of Maiwa’s Revenge. Let him procure four small handy volumes published, in most appropriate binding, by Wiit1am Paterson of London and Edinburgh, entitled Weird Tales, and then let him read over again the curdlers writ by ALLAN—not Quatermain,—but Epoar ALLAN | Por, and let him study A Fearful Revenge (author unknown), which Riper Haacoarp would have s out into three hundred pages at least, while here it is thrillingly and concisely told in twenty-five. Those who like Thrillers and Curdlers to shorten their journeyings | = —? season, cannot do better than purchase this series of ew ales,

Liverpool v. Lambeth. Tux Bishop of Liverroor writes common sense on The Lambeth ‘‘ Encyclical” signed Primate Benson, Who murmurs, with laugh in lawn sleeves all the while, ‘1 thought that it might you, my dear Bishop, rile.” THE MORAI, OF THIS SEASON. ** You can tell me,” said the Intelligent Foreigner, button-holeing his London Friend, ‘‘ what it is called.” “‘Tt—what ?” was the rejoinder. i). ‘* Why, when ladies and gentlemen go into a big field, and sit in d| carriages in the rain looking at nothing—what is that ?”’ hav ce e no idea.” ‘And when the same people go to boats on a river, and look at | other boats, but always in the rain—always—what is that ?’’ “*T cannot say.” ; : ‘* But you must know,” said the Intelligent Foreigner, impatiently. | “ When the same ladies and gentlemen go into the country, and sit on damp benches, and cover Cemesives with waterproofs—always in the rain—what is that?” “* How should I know?” ‘* And when these same people go for months here, there, every- where, always in the rain. When they meet morning, noon, and night, always in the rain. When they bore one another to the death. When they are as dull as diteh-water. Come, you must know? What is it? ‘Ah, Thaveit! A big field in the rain.—Lord’s. Storm on the river—Henley. Damp benches in the country—Goodwood ! Together for months always in the rain! Why you must mean the London Season ?” ‘*You are right,” replied the other. must say good-bye.” And Intelligent Foreigner left England for ever! ** And now, my friend, |

begged for mercy, and so | -

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avevusr 25, 1888, AWKWARD REVELATIONS. Effie. ‘‘Gronetr AND I HAVE BEEN DOWN-STAIRS IN THE Dixinc-room, Mr. MitcHAM. WE'VE BREEN PLAYING HusBAND AND Wire ! Mr. Mitcham. *‘How pip YoU DO THAT, MY DEAR!” Effie. ‘‘Wuy, Georncy SaT AT ONE END OF THE TABLE, AND I SAT AT THE OTHER; AND GeorGy sarpD, ‘Tus Foop Isn’T FIT TO gat!’ and I sarp, ‘It’s ALL You '’LL Get!’ anp Georoy sap, ‘Dam!’ anv I cor up AND LEFT THE Room!” te : . — Improvement fast press on ; ** Those wise Whitehall ‘ cakes,’ “A PROFESSIONAL OPINION. But what ’s the true lesson They all play ducks and drakes Maneuvres like this teach the Island ” | With your wealth, but, my dear, can you spy 7 . ; “ Blockading Lough Swilly Are you clear that your Fleet [land ? Ain—‘' The Tight Little Island.” In vain does look silly ; ass od — a complete Steen Dappy Neprune one day A big hostile fleet close to dry land 7 "The good Wooden alls of the island To Brrranyta did say, Destruction and Pillage Are gone ; iron ruleth the Island ; ‘I’ve seen battles on sea and on dry land, Of sea-port and village But do you quite feel p jut by Jove, dear, the Briton May raise a wry laugh round the Island. That with Iron and Steel A fast has hit Ineffective blockading seems vile, and . A us - Unmetehed aati ai a Island To chase the foe many a mile, and You can flout all the foes of your Island . ; At last let him slip ** Well, Time doth reverse all! Oho! but it raises a smile, and LZ - ; Old Nestor to mirth might beguile, and Without taking a ship : May hema eur a he Island I never did know May be war,—but it puzzles the Island. May show your eet wort y the Island, Ach rum soto, “Suck Tarsare rare joker, «|= ut mare K's neadtal As this latest sham-fight round your Island. P But — of stokers, land | And keep ; sharp eye sound your Island : And engines that come to grief nigh land, =| © . Rt pe ‘ By Jingo, my daughter, . ‘ + agama Be sure your officials are movers, TI id pm a po i ~ a, Are hardly good wheezes, | ‘To prove by these Autumn Manceuvres, — —e Scarce funning that pleases Which strik f , | On Albion’s salt water, and by land, : “le Tol, " hich strike me as funny, Th; ~ The folks of the tight little Island. The need of more money And em A ame Seaeeing, Yes, it’s a snug little aan. | To keep up a Fleet for the Island Or is) . : e ; » Island : 4 The towns and the ports of the Island, A » elem ‘ | ‘* Brrrannia and NEPTUNE | Is good Autumn days to beguile, and Are really not handsome Have hitherto kept tune Land-lubbers like Lawson to rile, and : : in the Isl: | In each saying, ‘ This shall be my land ;’ Make BaNWERMAN jeer Or alee Sings & reed in the Island. Should the foes of Old England But, my dear, is it clear ** Suppose an Armada Or all they can bring, land, ' | What good it will do to your Island ? _ Again should invade her, : | We still must show play for the Island. | “No doubt Sir G 1 This as Seen, dear, = Island, | We must fight for our right oe Island, No doubt Sir GEORGE 1RYON uid you do more—or less— Our Fleet must encircle the Island ; Has fought like a lion, Than in days of Queen Buss, If mean it you must, » And Admiral Barep is no craven ; To keep foreign foes from your Island ? My dear, down with the dust, rn ur : s, ye oF sg anaer, _—_ a mare snereen Frm eg x me q. | For it’s worth it, your tight little Island! ” ’ And make-beheve plunder, ey wo much like to plunder the isiana ; | peeereeenerge seo From Liverpool down to Sudiown And —well, can you say . dia Of course may be really worth while, and You’ve not shown ’em the way | Torrte’s History or Prussia. 2 Vols. Teach Jack to steer cruisers in style, and | To rifle and stifle your Island ? | Lucid style, ‘‘ Clear Tuttle!” A Sona FOR THE SEASON, —

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevusr 25, 1888. —_—" : na WAN EWES / TAKING OF OBAV Seen = CAPTURE OF Es HERE Bay ee | ~ BOMBA KOMEN mn Of \ oe q N \ QRCHNET ON i _F | “A PROFESSIONAL OPINION.” Buraxnta, “WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT, FATHER NEPTUNE?” . r Farmer Nerv. “ WELL, MARM,—IF YOU ASK ME,—I’VE SEEN A LOT 0’ BATTLES IN MY TIME,—BUT BLEST | IF I EVER SEE ANYTHING LIKE THIS!!!”

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** AN GOLD ! Oi WHEN 1

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Avovst 25, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 93 A KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN NATURE. “AND so your Nick CLERGYMAN IS GOING TO BE MARRIED, Mrs. Mari- GOLD! I HOPE YOU "LL LIKE HIS WIFE AS WELL AS YoU LIKE Him.” ‘“Wei_t, Ma’am, I’m sure I HOPE SO—BUT WE GENERALLY FIND THAT WHEN THE GENTLEMAN IS HAPFABLE, THE LADY's 'AUGHTY/” ROBERT AT THE SEA-SIDE. Last Friday, when setting on the Jetty, a thinking of this thing and the other thing, wondring what became of all the Turtel during August, why the Nigger Minsterels didn’t wash their faces now there was plenty of water for ’em, or sum ekally intresting matter, I suddnly thort to myself, what a jolly thing it must be to have lots of reddy money. Not Houses, and Lands, and Shares, and all such trubbels, but lots of reddy money. Draws full of golden suvereigns ! I think I knows one thing I should do. I should fill my pocket with about a handfull of ’em every Gy, and out I should go, ‘‘ taking my walks abroad,’’ as the wpe and I should pay a suvereign for everything, and say toeverybody, that will do.” Good Gracious Me, what a idear! I should begin by having my boots cleaned, and giving the boy a suvereign and saying, ‘ t will do, my Lad.” I should buy a penny Newspaper, and do the same; then I should go in somewhere and have a little lunch and do the same. Fancy the Waiter’s estonishment, feller, and then I should cail a Handsome Cab, and have a littel ride, and I do believe I should even estonish Cabby; and every time I dined ont—and I should take ms good care to belong to lots of the Cit Gills—when I asked for my At, I should pitch a sovereign into the plate and wa out smiling at the Waiter’s Glee. Ah! about Poppylarity and Riverence, why, I should beat Lord Soris- — and Mr, Giapsron, and the Archbishup of CaANTERBERRY into three cocked Ss, _ The Great Dook’s was the only case of the sort I ever heard on, and he was, in this respeck, what I think French s, Eunick. He used to give a suvereign for a Play Bill and say to the estonished Cellar, “That will do! I carries out the idear to some extent in my own umble way. I buys the Echo every day, it’s my favorite paper because I finds news there that I n't find no wheres else, and I allers pays a penny for it, for which penny | calkerlate as I gets a haporth of news, and a haporth of respeck, and if there’s one thing I pines for, even more than pine Appel, it’s k. It was my Wife’s Burthday larst week, so I promist her a bottel of Old Port, mon parshal, probberbly - t = gits it. Se things 8. gos princi ine hte wy got in stock, jest as if I wasa going for to order a hole duzzen at wunse. And the young chap says, mth quite carm and collected, “Sum '47!” says * We've got sum I, with perfound estonishment. . Why, wot ’s the price ¢” Don’t kno,” says he; “but I’ll arsk the Guv- vernor.” So he shouts out, ‘‘We’ve got sum ’47 Port, ain’t we, Guvvernor ?” is brort that gennelman out pretty quick, and he says, says he, ‘’47 Port! No, I ony wishes as we had ; but we ain’t got no Customers down here for siteh wine as that. Nothink but cheap Claret os yea here,” says he, bitterly. ‘‘Ah!” says I, ‘I’ve sum xperience of both, I agrees with what I herd a Alderman say the other day, that Claret wood be Port if it eoud.” ‘‘ Rite you are,” says he; ‘‘ but unfort- for me, all the Port as I drinks gos down into my grate Toe!” ** Ah,” says I, “‘ I don’t know, and I don’t care, where mine gos to, but I allus drinks it wenever I can get it.” So I chose my bottel of Port and carried it home in tri and werry good it were, and both me and the inking three glasses And the wine made promist her jest sitch Missus injoyed it pa, ony me ony drinking rest. me that libberal, that I sollemly another treet on her nex buthday. We finnished up our more than ushally large serees of Banquets on larst Wensday week, wen we had all Her ye Minnisters at the jun Ouse, and didn’t the all look jolly appy to think as their work was all hover ti next Guy Fox Day, habsent be the homen! Lord Grorex Awrurow tried hard to friten us all by telling us all as he had jest reseeved a telacram from the Admeral of the Fleet saying as they had taken Habberdeen and Heddingburrow and was about starting to hinwade Lundon, when he hoped if they seized our Lorp Make, we shood be quite reddy to ransum hi ished as I neerly spilt a lot of wine as I was anding round. But I needn’t have bin alarmed, as a Gent near me said that fortnetly there was about 14 millyun golden suverains a lying in the Bank close by, and that wood no dowt satisfy the inwaders! But wot a state of things all this reweals! The Prime Minnister didn’t seem to care werry much about it, but as he’s jest a going off to Deep, in France, of coarse he ’ll be all right, and can wash hisself of the hole affair. Strange to say too, the Rite Honnerabel the Lonp Mare follered his prudent xampel and started for Forren Parts the werry next day but wun, so remembring as the better part of discression was waller, I emediately followed sute, and cum to this littel place where no big iron ship wood ewer think of cumming, coz in the fust place there ain’t enuff warter for it to swim in, and next, coz there ain’t nuffin much to seeze excep hetung Mashines and Flys, so I don’t let no thorts of inwasion disturb my olliday, but eats and drinks of the best as I can afford, and sleeps the sleep of the onest Waiter. Ropert, STANZAS TO SIRIUS. In the Dog-days, cold the middle Of Summer as Christmas, then, In the nature of things a riddle, Dumfounded dogs and men. The men—and the women—remaining Still wrapt in winter attire. While the dogs, yet the Dog-Star reigning, Lay shivering by the fire. If dogs thou hast driven delirious, Thou hast failed to parch the grass, So provender’s like, old Sirius, to be green for horse and ass. Not enow to stuff a pillow Has the farmer mown of hay. With his storage in the silo He must manage as best he may. Amusement ror Sunpay In A Country Hovsr.— The a = a hint io + | ogee | pode 5 suggested that a e young ies of the party sho we down the names of their favourite Hymns, After some consultation among the girls, the youngest was deputed to inquire, “‘ Whether they were to add the surnames as well ?’ ‘* Summary or THE Past Szasoy.”—Wintry.

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[Aveusr 25, 1888. ce DE GUSTIBUS,” &c. Darby. ‘‘ But, My Dear, THERE ARE NO Micropes IN Tosacco,” Joan. *‘ Um—Sunows THerr SENsE!” [Subject dropped. THE AUTOMATIC DOCTOR. [The latest American novelty is an | automatic machine at railway stations, | which delivers medicines instead of matches or sweetmeats. } | Nore the ailment that you ’ve got, Cardiac or else hepatic, Put a penny in the slot, Lo! the action ’s automatic. Out there comes for every ill Physic, funniest of notions ; Here a powder, there a pill, But it draws the line at lotions, Should a maiden chance to feel That her frame needs restoration, There’s a section labelled ‘‘ Steel,” Which requires no explanation. Here the Iron Doctor stands, For the few or for the many; Curing, with his liberal hands, All diseases—for a | a Yonder gentleman a drug There the pills are lying snug, This machine’s a liberal giver. There ’s no need for guinea fees, Or for any drug concoctor ; Just a penny gives you ease From the Automatic Doctor! No LonGER A BAacHELoR oF Arts, —Ex-President R.B.A. James McNetLe WHisTLeR is now happily married. Happy, Happy Pair! This lady WHISTLER is not the celebrated this Season’s bird La Siffleuse, bien entendu, as the latter has gone back to her own Trans-atlantic SHAW. A ContrisvTion To Lieut Litt- RATURE.—‘‘ Gossr’s Congreve.” THE VOICE OF THE VICTIM. [There are so many Companies started nowa- days, that it is difficult to get enough first sub- seribers to the Articles of Association, and Messrs. Asuuunst, Morris anv Crisp make use of the same gentlemen over and over again. } Tuery bring fresh papers every day, They show me where to sign ; I dream at night of *‘ Table A,” And shout “* competing line.” No matter what the Company, I’m down for just one share ; Though large or small the venture be, My name will still be there. At first I used to sign with pride, It seemed a goodly thing With men of means to be allied, In each financial “‘ ring.”’ But soon the dream was o’er, and now | I loathe the very sight Of pens and paper, and my brow Grows pallid as I write. I’ve come to hate my very name, To curse the thing I am ; I’m “‘ limited” in all but shame, My single share a sham. I’m not an avaricious man, I care not for myself ; But each scheme seems a ghastly plan, That brings me in no pelf, Promoters flourish on their tips, And “ booms” within the House ; I sit and watch with hungry lips, A cat without a mouse. In spite of everything I sign, In spite of all I do; For reasons that I can’t divine, They never raise my ‘‘ screw.” The money rolls before my eyes, A true Pactolian stream. Alas! the golden vision dies, A base illusive dream. Promoters come, promoters go, They gather ecld galore . I know not how, I only know, I sign for evermore. The very children seem to lisp My name, with sounds of scorn, O Morris! Asnuvrst and O Crisp! Why was I ever born! HOW BRER FOX LARFS. Tae Society for the Prevention of Cruelty | to Animals, and all the Anti-Vivisectionists | must rejoice to learn that a Bench of Cheshire Magistrates has decided that foxhounds are no exception to the muzzling order, but liable to be muzzl Should this decision be en- forced, the results of a fox-hunt will be no more unpleasant to the fox than the mere over-exertion of running away, and the conse- quent exhaustion which will bring the chase The fox will be none the worse w joll for the fox! If the Bench had consleted entirely of Cheshire cats, they couldn’t have lcome to a more anti-canine decision. It’s enough to make a Cheshire cat laugh ; and, | as for ‘‘ Sly Reynolds” himself, he ’ll go home | after a run, use his brush, which he will not ‘have left behind him, and spend a pleass nt evening, if his vixenish partner will let him. ““WELL, TO BE SEWER!” [The report of the Thames Conservators states that Staines is the only town along its banks which still discharges its sewage into the Thames. ] | Caw this be true, they say of you, O sad riparian Staines ! That pure and clean Thames now had been Save only for your drains ? From Twickenham down to London town Each angler now maintains That ’tis your sewer makes Thames impure, O retrogressive Staines ! Of Barking’s Creek, its loathly reek, The ratepayer complains ; And there ’s no doubt we shall fall out With out-falls too at Staines. The house-boat throng we’ve borne for long —They ’re nuisances and tanes— But you defile for many a mile The river, dirty Staines ! To name this pest with fitting zest The prudent tongue refrains ; Richmond and Kew now look to you To end it, Men of Staines! | | | | Seeks, we ’ll say, for torpid liver; | | Goon Busryess” on tHe Moors.—No | standing Rooms in the Pits. Boxes full.

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Aveust 25, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR JAPANNERIES. No. eS TS - { Sp ((¢ irs _ ~ OP eg P 4 7 12. FISHING ROD’RICK DHU ABOUT THIS TIME IN SCOTLAND. THE PACE THAT KILLS. . (Further Correspondence. ) Siz,—I can hardly find language in which to convey to you the | tremendous impression made on me by a journey recently mele in one of these newly instituted “* Racing” trains to the North. The sense of hurry was overwhelming. From the moment in which I was hustled out of breath, by mistake, with a first-class ticket Ei the corner of a third-class compartment, to that of arriving at ; inburgh an hour and seventeen minutes late, I never enjoyed a the ¢ interval of repose. the ceaseless whirl through stations, © masters of which were watching the train tear by with a dazed stare. As we swept yet Grantham, refreshments were flung at us from the platform. ’e reached York at a tremendous rush. Seven invalid old gentlemen were trodden under foot in their efforts to get into the train. It seems we had beaten the record by five-and-thirty minutes, which led me to believe that I should be able to e at leisure of the excellent dinner of soup, fish, two entrées, joint, salad, pickles, and bread-and-cheese, provided for the passengers in the refreshment- room. Imagine my surprise, therefore, on being told that, if I wanted to dine, I must do it in three minutes a half; and as ‘* beating the record,” as the waiter smilingly observed, ‘‘ was the order of the day,” I got through as much of it as I possibly could in ——

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 25, 1888, | AU MAGASIN DU LOUVRE. ‘‘CoMBIEN EN VOULBZ-vovus, Mapame?” ‘On |—zr—.er me see—Frve Yarps—Sanx KILOMETRES, N’EST [ Stupefaction. that limited time. So great, though, was the scurry, that I found | myself again en route, without having had an —ey of paying him. And now our troubles began. At Thirsk, after struggling heavily against the north-east wind, our engine broke down. This | was replaced, but our pace did not mend, and a few miles before Berwick we came to a dead stop. Inquiry confirmed my worst fears. It seemed that the strain had proved too much for them, and that the guard and driver had both gone off their heads simultaneously, and had to be removed to a neighbouring lunatic asylum. Owing to these contretemps, we reached our destination somewhat behind time, but found the officials nothing daunted, but full of enthusiasm, | they having just heard that the rival Company’s express had only just got in with both its driving-wheels off. They are therefore con- fident that to-morrow will again find the Company “‘ beating the record.” How long they will continue to do so is a problem that | puzzles your much-impressed and over-wrought contributor, A Sritcu iv Troe, Srr,—lIt is all very well to ery up the magnificent performance of running 200 miles without a break, but I would caution any intend- ing traveller to see that he does not attempt the feat in a compart- | | ment with three escaped lunatics. This was my experience yester- day. The train had hardly moved out of the station before I discovered the dangerous character of my companions. In a few minutes they were all at my throat. The struggle was a long and desperate one, but I am fortunately a bit of an athlete, and by the time we had passed Grantham I had secured two effectively in the umbrella and luggage nets, and had fixed the third with the point of a walking-stick underneath the opposite seat. The last hour passed with these three maniacs glaring at me was, however, not pleasant travelling, and I have certainly no wish to repeat the experiment. Yours, &e., Noruine 1F wor CIRCUMSPECT. The following letter, which comes fittingly as a conclusion to the | above Correspondence, has just reached Mr. Punch as he was going to press; and, as it seems to him to announce a very wise decision on the matter, he has much pleasure in subjoining it :— Str,—After three weeks’ testing of the racing and other qualities of our respective engines, by which we flatter ourselves they have both, in turns, shown that they have been able, when put to it, to ‘beat the record,” we have determined, by mutual agreement, on and after the 3ist inst., to return to our normal ways, and observe, as nearly as we can, the hours of departure and arrival of our trains as fixed in the advertised Time-tables of our respective Companies. The fact is, keeping up ‘‘ the pace that kills” necessitates the heap- ing a great deal of coal om—an expensive process, that, as figures will readily show, must soon come to a full stop. Our motto is, therefore, pro tem., “‘ Requiescamus in pace,” which means that, | for the future, we are going to rest and be thankful with a good but moderate pace. As long as the ‘‘ Scotchman” can fly from | London to Edinburgh in something like eight hours, we fancy the public will have no occasion to quarrel wi Your obedient Servants, Tue Dimecrors or tHe Two Contenpine Companres, PHILALOO! A Lay or THe Late Sxssion. Airn—“ Killaloe.” WELL, ’tis ended as ’twas born, in shindy and in scorn, The Session whose right name is Philaloo ; It was like a dreadful drame, and seemed shaped upon the schame That we’ve laughed at in the land of Parleyoo! Men did everything but swear at the SparxKenr in the Chair, And they hinted he said things that were not true, And the Irish sort of spite, and French manners impolite, Faith, we’ve larnt ’em in the school of Philaloo. Chorus. You may talk of BoneYPaRTrE, His fierce rage was rude as hearty, But the passions now of Party Lick the Corsican. Hurroo! We beat BovLaneoer aisy, In coarseness crass and crazy,' In spache that’s long, and strong, and wrong, We shine at Philaloo. ** What, lick us ?’’ Mossoo would cry. says I. ** Is that a thing to rouse a Frank’s surprise ? ” A boy straight up from Clare is the chap to raise. your hair, And—vhetorically—black your Party eyes. What Mossoo would call ‘‘ vacarme” for all Paddies hath a charm, So bad language fairly flew about the place. ** Judas!” aloud to ery, and each other give the lie, Were among the pleasant features of the case. Chorus.—You may talk, &c. Oh, boys, there was the fun, you should see it ere ’twas done, All courtesies one by one did disappear ; ** Why, of, course we can,” When the Conypeares and TANNERS - an end to all good manners, | The talk sometimes was horrible to hear. | The insult and the oath,—well, there ’s law agin them both, But for unwritten codes we need not care. Fellows find it will not do to talk much at Philaloo, Unless they ’ve got a curse or two to spare. ‘horus.—You may talk, &c. Well, we’ve raved about the rint, and a dale o’ time we ’ve spint. Says the Spayxer, ‘‘ By St. Patrick, I’m perplexed. For when ‘ gentlemen,’ ye see, go on like this at Me, I hardly know what to be up to next.” Had he axed me, I’d have said, ‘‘ You had best go home to bed, And mix no more in Philaloo affairs. | In the papers soon ye’ll trace that our Party Spouting Place Is closed for alterations and repairs.’ Chorus.—You may talk, &c. | If Billingsgate youd try, or give Bargees the go-by, Or make yourself a blayguard, just for fun, | You’ve just one thing to do—get a seat at Philaloo, | And your mother soon won’t own you for her son. Sure the endless Party shine is a prisint moighty fine, But what it will be you may wal sup > For imagine, don’t ye see, what a Philaloo there ’ll be, When the prisint Ayes change places with the Noes ! Chorus.—You may talk, &c. EncorRE VERSE, | Well, I’m glad to find it’s true ye ’re ashamed of Philaloo, | And the conduct of the Mimbers that ye send. | May the Session that is past of such Sessions prove the last, Or Parlyment itself perhaps may end. |’Tis not only Irish there who abuse, and rave, and swear, The Saxon does his share, ye’ll find that thrue. If to ‘‘justice” he’ll consint,“and not ax us for the Rint, Shure we ’ll all behave like doves at Philaloo! Chorus.—You may talk, &c. Foor-wore at Covent Garpey.—Mr. Crowe is an energetic con- ductor. Head, hand, and foot-are at work, quicker, quicker! Here, indeed, as on an elderly beauty’s face, “The Crowe's foot marks the advance of time — tH NOTIVE.— Rejected Communications cr Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be retumed, not even when accompanied by g Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. ge mply | sold Ever sample Bo ACHIYN WAVERLE AL W

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8, — — rom the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avovsr 25, 1888. HE HINDOO PEN. Point. Three Grades, Mos. 1, 2, and 8. i N° 3.HINDOO PEN : “ame MACNIVENE CAMERON EDINBURCH ye imply inestimable.”—Counr Jovaman. sold Brerywhere. 64. and le. per Box. femple Box, with all the kinds, ls. ld by Post. ACNIVEN & CAMERON, WAVERLEY WORKS, EDINBURGH. ALLMAN'S WHISKEY bis ebiahed 182: To be had at Clubs, wh and | Restewrants, and in casks of all | Wholesale Wine and Spirit Merchants throughout the sited Kingdom and Colonies. Rich in Phesphates,”"—Banow Litzio. Bmax ‘BGREGER’S | ARLOWITZ. Old Bond Street, London, W. EXSHAW & 60'S FINEST OLD BRANDY. tes. per doz. in Cages as imported W. Srarcerow & Co., 28, Regent Street, W. URGOYNE’S Australian WINES. NTARA, BRANXTON BURGUNDY, HIGHERCOMBE, OBACCONISTS COMMENCING. OW TO OPEN REMUNERATIVELY from any unt. however «mall or sarge. IDustrated rue (post free). LESSER FRIEDLANDER, undsditch -iaaten, years. Increases Vital Action 3T rN) HARNESS COMPOSITION (Warzaracer). SADDLE PASTE Warearacor } Sold by all Saddlers, Grocers, and Ironmongers. S. & H. HARRISS EBONIT BLACKING (Warsarncer). Boow, Harness, and oe Lester POLISHING PASTE For OCimanmre Merans awn Gass. Manufactory: LONDON, BE. __ MAICNEN’S FILTRE RAPIDE. PURE WATER, UNFILTERED WATER, As tion | A fruitful source of cho- ‘s “Filtre | lera, typhoid, and zymotic , diseases. The only Filter which will remove from water all of and metallic impurities. Thirty Gold First Prize in every contest. of am, er could not be desired.”—/ancet. “It the water both quickly and well, and was much valued our —_ “—General Viscou:\t ba» may -—{( Nile Expédition.) Thousands of Testi- — Sold by c Sean nos ironmongers every- where from half a guinea fpwards. Pamphiet free from MAICNEN’S * FULTRE RAPIDE” & ANTI-CALCAIRE” CO., LTD. (The largest manufacturers of Filters in the World), 32, ST. MARY-AT-HILL, LONDON, E.C. [)ECORATE The benuny of Stains of Stained Glass in every house can be To yy by using M‘Oaw, Stevenson & GLACIER WINDOW DECORATION. It can be applied to any window by an e in the use of the article ith disagr Write for IMustrated ae Fematies (g00 [Bustrations) and ae See free, One Shilling, from the Manufac- turers, AW, STEVENSON & ORR, Linenhall Works, Belfast; of to Purnny & Co Wholesale Agents, Holborn Viaduct, Lordon. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACLDITY or raz STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION 180, BOND STREET, and all Ch your HOMES! UMBRELLAS. - — SAMUEL FOX & CO., Limited, have added to their celebrated "frames decided improvements (protected by Letters Patent), which give increased Stability and greater Neatness to the Umbrella. SAMUEL FOX & OCO., Limited, mann- facture the Stee! «necially for all their frames, and are thus able to provide exceptional quality at a merely nominal price over inferior makes. MAPPIN & WEBB’S | - HOLLOW GROUND Post Free frum 168, Oxford Street, W., and 18, Poultry, 2.0., London, or from the Mantlactory, Norfolk Street, In Case Co mmplote. Shefield. Biack Handle ... Ivory Handle ‘ar superior to ‘al Fore! i made Razors aaron TUBES oct 5 no Hydreulic, and Heating Purposes; Galvanised or White Enamelied inside, In stock to 6 in. diameter. Cocks, Valve:, ac Joun Spencer. Globe Tube Works, Wednesbury ; an 4 Gt. St. Thomas Apostle, London GOLDEN BRONZE | HAIR — he ioveiy nuanc oncee’’ cla be tea te Hai of oar oma ay hy uang Feld on by W. WINTER. 472,Oxtore St, e bs. 64., We, Od, 21a, For timing rey or landed fo EKIN E is invaiuadie. a BEST & SAFEST DEN AND PERFUMERS, IN ELECANT CRYSTAL TOILET CASKET PRICE 2/6. a vain OSE UQuio WA oor WBLACKING:! No brushes required, Applied’ with nge attached to xy cork. Gives a brilliant Shoes, HOWARD BEDFORD PLOUGHS. Pusey VeGReTaBLe, Per fectiy Harm- stile wOxfordst.,W.C, WC. TAMAR a LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENGE, VERY AGREEABLE TO TAKE. FOR CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite, INDIEN GRILLON. B. GRIEON; 60, Queen Street, City; London. GOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DEUVGGISTS, Ge, G4, A BOF, Gastric and Intestinal troubles, Headache arising from them. EASuEZ COMFORTABLE TEETH | There are three kinds, distinguished from each h other by a Yellow, Green, and Red Silk Thread. Eau de Yellow wea removes o) or thache. oe esnned, © EAU DE SUEZ GRE READ and the pain will never return. de Suez read used as & mouth wash, ar yy, ensures om from sensitiveness of the teeth and gums and impure breath, preserving the teeth sound and white till the end. Eau de Suez Red i Thread is used in the same manner as the Green, but is specially adapted for children. Suez Tooth Brush. This Brush is soft, being made o © finest badger hair, and cleans the teeth better than a hard brush, without injury to the gums, The above may be obtained through any Chemist, or direct from Wiicox and Co. Green Thread, 2/s Yellow Thread, ‘ Red Thread, a Suez Tooth Brushes, 2/6. Free by arcels Post, Cavtion.—T guard against fraudulent Se see that each label bears the mame Wileow and Co,, 239, Onford Street, London.” penn DENTIFRICE DEI as OE TO USE Prevents DECAY of the TEETH, PURIFIES THE BREATH Léaves the mouth is & state of delicious and durable freshness. Gow Marau— PARIS, BRUSSELS, LONDON, ac World-famed Preparations of the Reverend lene dietine Fathers of Soulac (Gironde) Fira ag ee 2., and &.; Toorm Powors, ls. 64., 26., and ds, 64. “hoorm Paers, is. 64. and us FROM ALL PEMPUMERG OR CEEuIETS. Wholesale only, 51, Parrm Sracet, Lowpor, W ‘V. MEERBEEK & © GO., PEREOOM seas BASLE DUTCH BULBS. of: Hyacinths, ulips, ‘Trocus, Narciseus, Lilium, Ranunculus, Ane mones, and all other Hulu and Plant Goods delivered frre to destination in Ureat Britain. No packing charges. Kari Orders respectfully solicited Ask for thelr Catalogue for Amateurs NON-MERCURIAL. The BKEST and SAPEAT AKTICLE for CLEANING BILVEM, ELECTRO PLATE, &. FIVE GOLD MEDALS awarded, theold every where,in Boxes, ls. , 2s. 64., and 4s. 64 wi 3 si = COAL a ey TAR “ SOAP re Onn Ent tc

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevsr 25, 1888. / Ff Hon ht eu s a fro took br CcLez ae cae 2 WON’T WASH CLOTHES. Eee agers ae ane Makes — se per in indows aint rass an like like like look Marble like Polishes Gold. Silver. Crystal. New. White. Mirrors. Everything Sold by Grocers, Iroumongers, and General Dealers throughout the Country. If not obtainable near you, send 4d. in stamps for full-size Bar, free by post; or ls. for Three Bars, free post (mentioning ‘‘ Punch’’), to B. BROOKE & CO., 36 to 40, YORK ROAD, KING’S CROSS, LONDON, N. j

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“= | Burglar Bill. | Robert. sx: Booksell CHARLES KEENE’S ILLUSTRATIONS. and at the By THE AUTHOR OF “VI _ | aaa CE VERSA. Also complete in Cloth, price Half-a-Crown,

a - é { ha ul ul =~ ~xV¥ i ae SON3d S3SYHYHL 301d

y/ N° 2460. ' VOLUME is NINETY-FIFTH. « sy all Se ae ch Pal rl x ; as at tli a SEPTEMBER 1, Tr DUES» y > gous “= sv — - ee | Pr. ey i, ii — ga : Hie SK <a \\ - mS, : ‘ 7 i } i | [eq Ne “ » \, ~ ul yy Ny aN int U4 NN! f fi ' ! itt erty | | - «* ‘dl Ry lt m) fi 3) r ys" f Mi lu —ae (aq

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, = SCHWEPPE’s TABLE WATERS QUEEN ano PRINCE of WALES. Sales during 1887, (2, 289, 260 Bottles. at the Genera: Post Ufice as s Newspaper.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARI —Surremeze 1, 1888.

Crows Ore, i beurds |, te 66. cheth MAIWA'S REVENGE ; THE WAR OF THE LITTLE HAND, By = RIDER HAGGARD, janes." Meiwa's Revenge ' isa but it packs « great deal of sensation within very brief ¢ mpess Woucp —* These exploits are quite as marvellous fm their way as the eapernataral exploits of ‘Ohe’ +1 tend 4 from the plain unboastful ling e men i# made lo ue as the gift of slamping these stupendous feats with the mark of reality.” Landon: LONGMAN OREEY, & ©O LONGMAN'S MAGAZINE,

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SEPTEMEES Price SIXPEN: & A Dangerous Catepaw. I —Il. By David Ohristic Moerrey anc Heary Murray John Ward, Preacher. by the Vou. Arehdecacon Parrar The Oruc! Priest. Peer Barry. hy W. B. Norris A Formal American Yacht Oruise. By W. J. Hender-or Picardy for Painters, and Othera By Graham BR. lomeon Beng for Masic. ty Edmund Gosse QGrthedex. By Dorothea Com 4, Joint Auther of * Beata,” &c. Chapters VE At the Sign of the Ship. by aaa tiine LONGMANS, GREEN. & CO

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Page 135

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SerpremBer 1, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 97

OBSTRUCTIONISTS IN A SMOKING CARRIAGE.

VOCES POPULI. A SHOW PLACE. Scent—A Ducal Castle. Party of Tourists discovered waiting in the Entrance Hall. Enter the Head Butler, an imposing person with sandy hair and pale blue prominent eyes. The H. B. (with condescension). If you'll ’ave the goodness to wait a little, I shall be able to go round with you myself. [Departs with mysterious solemnity, leaving the Party over- whelmed. 4 Matron (who yields to none in reverence for the aristocracy—to her —_—S Doesn’t everything look stately, dears? I wonder where they keep all the hats and umbrellas. A Wife (to her Husband). Now, for goodness’ sake, CHARLEs, don’t try to be funny here—remember where you are ! [The Party converse in whispers ; a Tourist in a Flannel Shirt taps a manin armour familiarly on the stomach, causing him to emit a hollow ring. The rest look at him reproachfully. He returns their gaze with defiance, but edges away from the armed figure as the Butler returns. The H. B. Now please, if you'll follow me, and keep together. (Tourists straggle after him, each in deadly fear of catching his eye ; the Man in t mnel Shirt hums the *‘ Marseillaise”’ under his breath.) The Banqueting ’All. The Fam’ y ane all their meals ’ere when at Blaisenings. (Party repeat this to one another in hushed voices.) The apes along is Gobling. Charles ( frivolously). Ha, very bad example for the family ! The H. B. Did you speak, Sir ? Charles (turning red in the face). Only to my wife. _ Tourist (with a turn for Architecture and a desire to air his information). Er—this portion of the building is —ah— Early Decorated, is it not ? " The H. B. (severely). No, Sir. Decorated quite lately, by a London irm. [The Architectural Tourist falls to the rear ; the others conceive a poor opinion of him. A Tourwt (nerving himself to ask a question). Will there be many dining here this evening ? The H. B. (with a lofty candour). Well, no—we ’aven’t many staying with us at present. I should say we shouldn’t set down more than twenty or so to-night—or thirty, at most. A Tourist with a Twang. Air your Company a Stag-party ? am H. B. (pityingly). There’s no deer-forests in this part of the country. The Tourist with a Twan (clapping him on the shoulder and laughing). I see you don’t understand our National Colloquialisms. he H. B. 1 don’t understand any Colloqualisms bein’ took with Me. (He moves away with dignity.) ‘This (opening door) is the Hamber Droring Room. (4 door on the opposite side is seen to shut precipitately as the f Party enter. The Reverential Matron, GWENDOLEN—come over here a minute. (W hispers.) She was sitting in this very chair—do you see? I wonder if it could have been the Duchess! ere’s the mark left in her book—if I only dared. (Reading title.) The Mystery of a Bathing Machine. We'll get it at the Sookstall as we go back. The H. B. (coming to a stand and jizing his eye on a Nervous | Tourist, who opens his mouth feebly). The pair of Vawses on the | good view Consols was brought over by the Grand£ather of the present Duke of | Ammercloth, and are valued at hover five heamed pounds apiece. € ave been hoffered nine thousand five ’undred for the pair—and refused.

(The Man in the F.annel Shirt groans “*’ Ow long?” to himself | his expression. in bitter indignation at the unequal distribution of wealth. The Nervous Tourist. Did you, though ? [Regards the H. B. with intense admiration for his judgment and resolution. A Comic Tourist, I wish someone ’ud offer me nine thousand pounds for the vawses on my mantelpiece. I wouldn’t ’aggle over it. The H. B. (ignoring him), The picture in the el above the ier sien is a paregoric subject representing ‘‘ mes Merery, and the Fine Arts complimenting the first Duke of Ammercloth on the completion of the new Private Chapel. By ’Ocarru. In the corner. Old woman heatin’ a nerring. Torchlight. A Tourist (who thinks it is time he a remark). Let me see —wasn’t he one of the Dutch School? Tautschlyt. Torschylt. I seem tc know the name. The H. B. (tolerantly). No, no, Sir—you didn’t foller what I said. It wasn’t the name of the artis—it’s what the old woman is heatin’ the ’erring by, in a cellar. The cellar and the ’erring is considered masterpieces. _ A Young Lady. What a very curious method of cooking fish, isn’t it ? — Party move on. H. B. This is His Grace’s own Study. His Grace sees his tenants at that table. [ General interest in the table, except on part of the Man in the Flannel Shirt, who suppresses a snort. Charles's Wife. Fancy, CHar.es-~—the Duke uses ‘‘ J” pens! Charles.” Not even gilded! This is a severe blow, Canro.ine! { Pretends to be overcome. His Wife. Uf you go on in this foolish manner, | will not be seen talking to you. The Reverential Matron (in a whisper). Exmyntrupe, see if you can manage to pick upa nib when no one’s looking—there are plenty lying about. A Tourist (anxious to propitiate the Butler), An excellent land- lord, the Duke, I believe ? The H. B. (coldly). We’ave not ’eard of any complaints on the estate. (Leads the way to the Gallery.) The Hoak Gallery—for- merly the Harmry. When we ’ave a large ’ouse party, they some- times comes up ’ere after dinner, and ’as games. [ Expressions of pleased surprise—always excepting the Man in the Flannel Shirt, who mutters something about ** dancing on voleanoes.”’ A Tourist (with a thirst for information), What sort of games ? The H, B. (with dignity). That I can’t tell you percisely, bein’ no part of my dooties to partici te. (Halting before a picture.) VPor- trait of "Exery HaLerrnon, Aocond Marquis of Szasrrines, beyeaded on Tower 'Ill by Sir Perer Ley. . - the Incorrigible. Do you mean that Sir Perr took his ead off ? The H. B. (solemnly). He took his Lordship off full length, Sir, as you can see by looking. (Zo the Reverential Matron, whose demeanour has not escaped him.) Tf you like to stop be’ind, and let the rest go on a bit, I can show you something that’s not generally open to the Public. (Mysteriously.) It’s the room where all his race’s boots are kep’. He has over a nundred pair of them. [The Matron rejoins the rest in a state of solemn ecstasy, and can hardly refrain from betraying how highly she has been privileged. The Party return to the Hall, A Tourist (a diligent student of the Society paragraphs in a Sunday paper—to Butler). 1s Lady FiLoxtLrvk at home just now? The H. B. Her Ladyship is away visiting at present, Sir. Ex- pected back Saturday week, Sir. ; ; The Society T. (as if he felt this as a personal disappointment), Not till Saturday week ?—really !—ah! Phe rest regard him with increased respect, and listen attentively.) I suppose it’s quite true that the match with Lord Groner GincuamM is broken off. Going to marry Lady Susan SunsHADE, isn’t he? I was very sorry when | heard of it ( feelingly). The H. B. Was you hintimate with ’is Lordship, Sir? The S. T. (with a modest reserve), Oh, 1’ve stayed with him, you know, and that sort of thing. {He has—at a Swiss Hotel, when Lord Gronar took him for a Tout,—but what of that ? The H. B. Then I should certingly recommend you to inquire of Lord Groree in pusson, Sir. That's his Lordship coming up the terrace now. The 8. T. collapaes utterly. Ermyntrude (coming up to her Mother). Oh, Mamma, what do you think ~ We looked in at a window as we passed, and we saw them all having afternoon tea. And the Duchess was actually eating buttered toast. She didn’t see us for ever so Jong—we had such a [ Scene closes in upon the majority of the Party, anzriously dis- cussing in underlines the propriety or otherwise of offering any, and what, fee to the Butler, who stands apart in a brown study, with a distinct effort to mitigate the severity of As far as the Man in the Flannel Shirt us concerned, the problem * solvitur ambulando.”’

VOL. XCY, K

Page 136

——_—____ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL UP AGAIN! RSMAS = TET ASG NAG RTI ARRAN TIT AL cee A MNQQA SQ HERR : een . = ~ aii > 4 val mi -- WS= 4 : | | iM = : ~ — : dF Up Madame La République loquitur :-— at one ean’t drown rt ery a just bobs wafer der Mow Dieu! He’ again : -, And then pops up. at will France say, I wonder? It seemed that Bee. See oes And what, I wonder more, will Brsmarcx think ? ut to the surface struggles he once more. __ What ishe? What’s hisaim? Which is his Party ? Pouf-f-f! No, I cannot say that he looks di ed: Is he a sort of Brummagem BuonaPaRTE ? But by og-like sprawl one thing is ed, — A squeezable and clayey mask of Csar ? That “ P’tit bonhomme—BovLancER—vit encore !” Who pulls the wires of this pert popinjay ? There seemed an end to his thrasonic clowning. Am I indeed to be upset one day ~s appease that ~ Sa proof ’gainst drowning, By this preposterous, spray-spluttering sneezer ? Like—well, to specify were too invidious. ; i foe foe pour ri Pinked by the “ Usher,” plunged into the flod ae = A H he i t’s like a bath of mud, , Our geese betray the Capitol, not save. a00 BS 36 Case agam, alive though hideous ' My fools are my undoing. Despot sane Mg faire? , 1 feel that I should relish preatly Were better than a CLEON cracked and vain. bonnet” him as I did Prox-Piow b So you, my master, ing up again,” Twould simplify my task if he would lak: Spluttering, but with hie head above the wave ?

Page 137

SerremBER 1, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 99 uma ai | mT i} ih Hi TAN Ny ti NS | | 3 F uy TH} iw Ht! li Mh te i\ tal" —- yi oft a “il . j = \y (it 4 BA) alia! | M\\ ate : i it a DIAGNOSIS. Cabman (insolently, on receiving his right fare). ‘‘WuHA’s THIS ERE FoR!” Fare (promptly). ‘‘ Wei., I sHov_p say ‘For DRINK,’—IF YOU ASK ME,—BY THE LOOK OF You!” } i \ {hy COLWELL-HATCHNEY MUSICAL FESTIVAL. Contributed by a Sufferer from the Music of the Present and the Future, at present residing at the Colwell-Hatchney Musical Academy.) To commence at common time, four in a bar. There will be six- teen in the American bar. Opening Chorus accompanied by the Lientrest GuiTaR IN THE Musica Worx, weighing only two pounds ten. The Second Part of the Festival will be in harmony with the First, and taken at the same time. Conductor, Mr. Sammy Tone. (By kind permission of the London General Omnibus Company.) At the word of command, “‘ Full inside! All right!” the Concert will go on with _ “IT know a Bank.” . . . Lorusvry, E.C. After which an instructive Lecture on TAKING Down SweLt Suvtrers, and opening the Shop for the day, will be given by : The Leading Assistant Boy in the establishment of Messrs. Narrowoop & Co. (successors to : Broapwoop). Duet in Scale Armour by Little Fresn Hrever and B. Orrman—| ** Oh, would I were a Fish!” To be followed by a Squintette entitled, ‘‘ Eyes right! So youare!” After which there will be ATHLETIC MUSICAL EXERCISES, Including Sliding Scales on the Zither by Unknown Members of the Accidental Club. N.B.—A Surgeon with musical instruments in attendance. No danger. ‘ Runnine Up-anp-Down-THe-Prano Race. Five- Year- Olds only entered after weighing in the Chromatic Scale. Fiat Race over two Grand Pianos. To be won hand over hand. Cuorus—*‘ Fingers were made before Tuning- Forks.” After which a Practical Lecture on ‘* How to Score a Treble for the Orchestra,” by Signor RupBeRrnt, assisted by Three Dummies. Swimming Contest from C. to, C. in puris naturalibus. Arn—‘' See me Dance the Poker,” composed about the time of Atrrep the Grate. After which THE GRAND MUSICAL TOURNAMENT—THE PITCH BATTLE. By the entire strength of the Company, with Pitch-forks. To be followed by the Hailstone Chorus, with real Hailstones, and a Grand finale of ORGANIC REMAINS. The Chair will be taken by the first person present, singular number, and the Vice will be represented by A Virtuoso, Admission by Playing Cards only. When in doubt play Penny Trump. No False Notes changed. Tea and Shrimps will be served (if the Shrimps like it) in the Antea Room. Overtures will be made to everybody inclined to assist in the chari- table object. There will be a collection of umbrellas and walking- sticks at the doors, which will be given to the Universal Lemon Aid Society. Hon. Sec., Mr. Sauasn. Address, Monday Ginger-Pop Concerts. After the Concert the entire Chorus, Principals of all the Acade- mies, and the Audience will join in the Irrational Anthem from HANWELL’s ORATORIO, After which a March Past, three shies a penny, Saran Sanrry, fire- works (which may be procured at the doors by those who have neg- lected to bring them in their pockets), grand free distribution of every body’s umbrellas, and procession the ruins. Sic transit gloria mundi ! Pop goes the Weasel ! (Signed) Br Awvowe. N.B.— Order not admitted after the first row. “Tue Race Across tHe Atiantic” (contributed by Master Tommy, at home for the holidays).—Why, the American, to be sure!

Page 138

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Szrremper 1, 1888, THE LAWS OF HEREDITY ILLUSTRATED. who has tripped up his friend Professor Crumpson' s campstool just as the It’s NO GOOD CUTTING UP ROUGH, | INHERITED A TENDENCY TO PRACTICAL JOKING, AND CAN'T HELP -— (/rigson latter was yo KNOW IT Yo sitting down on it), ‘‘H1! Don’t! YOURSELF //!! * QuITE MY DEAR FELLOW ; YoU ’RE NOT TO Bor J'Ve INHERITED A TENDENCY TO KICK PRACTICAL JOKERS, AND IT EITHER.’ SAID 80 CFrumpson, 80, BLAME A BIT! SONG BY A SMALL SHOPKEEPER. Ly my business as lies in a subub, Wen there proves weights and measures untrue, The least mixture in groceries, grub, bub, Other articles ever so few ; Wot a row, and a ’owl, and a ’ubbub! And I’m fined if ’ad up for the ‘*‘ do.” A wrong label the same, on conwiction, In shop-front if exposed to the sight, Though there mayn’t be no ’arm in the fiction, Or if any, no matter ’ow slight ; So sewere is the legal restriction Upon dealins as isn’t all right. O, ’ow ’enious, a sample to tender To the test wot ain’t quite true and trim ! A poor tradesman ’s a petty offender, nd the Lawr will be down upon ’im. Now the rule is, ‘‘ Look out let the vender,”’ Clear of fraud ’e must earefully skim. But Contractors of wealth and ’igh station, See wot charges is laid to their dores, Of all manner of falsification, Shams, and swindles in Government stores, Guns and weapons of war for the Nation ; Wot yer cae the defence of our shores! Them as ’olds a superior position, Imposition can practise scot-free, For a rogue of exalted condition There ’s one lawr, and another for me. Nothink wus than a Special Commission To report upon duffers like ’e. Then the ’ole blame the “‘ systim” is laid on, Never no one let in for a fine, As inflicted small cheaters in trade on. Jerry Diddlers tiptop may combine, No detection in diddlin’ afraid on. Oh! ’ow blesséd their potion to mine ! Apvice T0 Wovutp-seE Cyciists.—Tri before you Bi. CAN’T HELP [Kicks him. Men or Rawk anv Sration.—Railway Cabmen. MASTER TOMMY’S DOMESTIC MANCEUVRES. Suggested by some Recent Make-believe Naval Experiments. How to Make them Fancy the House is on Fire.—Having prepared two of the top-floor chimneys, by stuffing them with the contents of several feather pillows steeped in petroleum, light these, and proceed quickly to the coal-cellar, where, kindling a large bonfire of news- papers, old school-books, kitchen chairs, and door-mats, rush up the stairs, crying ** Fire!” at the top of your voice, and raise the alarm. The house being by this time full of blinding smoke, shout to the butler to open the back windows, and pump freely into the rooms with the garden-engine. This will increase the consternation, but you will have to provide for the exeitement of the crowd that will have by this time collected in front of the house. To do this, rush to a window on the second floor, and, flinging it wildly open, tear bed-curtains and sheets into lengths rapidly, and join them together for an esca pe-rope. Now, i secured the page-boy, and threatened him with a thrashing if he makes any resistance, let him down by this into the area. To give more effect to this, do it with jerks. This will have so impressed the crowd that they will have already summoned the Parish engines, that will now playing vigorously on the front of the house, and drenching it from top to bottom. The origin of the ‘‘ Alarm” having by this time been discovered, you will probably be called on for an explanation, where- upon, pointing to the fact, from experience, how well they would have been prepared to meet it, if there had been a real fre, you express your complete satisfaction at the result, and frankly intimating that you now consider the incident closed, refuse to enter into any further conversation on the matter. An Impromptu Little Dinner.—This experiment may be best tried at the house of an invalid uncle and aunt, who are noted for their hospitality, and pride themselves on the excellence of their cuisine, the object being to show hew, with scarcely any preparation, a very satisfactory dinner may be provided on the spur of the moment for a decent number of paviody unexpected guests. Getting hold of your aunt and unele’s visiting-list, proceed to ask four-and-twenty of their friends to dinner at a short-date, toking eons to tell them there is ‘‘no need to reply to the invitation.’ e day at length arriving, and the guests beginning to assemble, hurry out and order in twenty-four bloaters, the same number of mutton-chops, and two | dozen of stout respectively from the fishmonger’s, butcher’s, and the publie-house in the immediate neighbourhood. The dinner is now | provided. After some awkward pauses in the conversation, your uncle and aunt still being unconscious of the reason of the assem- | bling of their guests in their drawing-room, the butler, much to their | surprise, now announces it, and all forthwith adjourn down-stairs to | partake of the repast. This does not take long, and the guests, the matter still being unexplained to them, and, rather resenting the fare that has been provided for them, depart early, taking their leave | more or less abruptly. Your aunt and uncle being at last left uae, | though still profoundly puzzled at the whole proceeding, are boun to admit that, although they have not done it exactly in the style they | would wish, they have most undeniably given a quite impromptu | little dinner. A FRAGMENT FROM A ROMANCE—A SUGGESTION FOR SCARBOROUGH. He was followed everywhere! At last it became unbearable. He resolved that, come what would, to learn his fate. He turned round sharply by the sad sea waves, and faced them. For a moment they shran back abashed. ‘* What do you want ?”’ he asked, sterrly. There was a dead silence! Then one of them, hand, cried, in an appealing voice, — ‘* A penny, good Sir—a penny! * His eyes flashed fire, and he ignantly refused the boon. s ‘*A penny, good Sir—a penny!” they repeated, with increased importunity. hen he hurled at them a defiance, “Tf you are not off at once, I will Police!” . With an unearthly yell, they threw up their arms, and, their heels, disnppensed for ever! ! extending a bronzed give you into the custody of the taking to ial

Page 139

SerTemBerR 1, 1888.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 101 THE PLEASANT WAYS OF GLORY. Lorp WotseLey, when recently giving his evidence before the Army Estimates Committee, admitting that while an English Major- . ' General of Bri- gade received £1279 per annum, an officer of corre- mding rank in Grow only £100, o £700 Seemed tnelined to defend the ano- this country would not enable him to do it for a lower figure. In- the distin- this. euler ing oot inte ot pay forregimen’ officers were fixed at a time when men purchased their commissions, P to admit that this same time was one when the Army was looked on as a profession into,which men went very much for their amusement, for which they paid partly them- selves. Quite so. But with all respect for the opinion of ‘‘ Our Only General,” it may surely be pointed out, that whereas now the-Army is decidedly not a profession into which men go “‘ only for their amusement,” it n not follow that the traditions of expensive living formerly regarded as its inevitable social concomitant must be accepted as an official necessity from which there is no means of escape or evasion. Yet that some sort of idea of the kind prevails, and is generally accepted as a palpable though unpalatable fact, there cannot be any doubt. No subaltern can live on his pay, nor is he expected to. Indeed, every obstacle is put in his way te prevent him. Plain Dick and Harry, as soon as they are out of Woolwich or Sandhurst, and who in many cases have sat down at home in perfect contentment to the family dinner on cold mutton, find themselves suddenly waited upon by flunkeys in plush breeches, and living en ome surrounded by all the luxury and comfort of a well-appointed ndon Club. There is no getting out of the expenditure, and the subaltern’s pay is, as a matter of course, immediately swamped. And the evil seems to permeate the whole system, for the officers of higher rank appear to be no better off, Worseey alleging that he had known men who had refused commands because they were expected to entertain the whole neighbourhood, and could not in consequence cover their ex out of the pay they received. In fact, the life of the British officer, as thus revealed, seems to resolve itself into a prolonged struggle to keep up a false position on insufficient means. And at present there seems but little hope of any remedy. For when we have only about two hundred of the new guns ready, and two thousand are required, and when our foreign stations, wanting an equal number, are sup lied as yet only with twenty, and whilst the non-commissioned dows and men in the British cavalry number 18,500, and the horses to mount them only reach the figure of 11,800, to say nothing of departmental short- comings and blunders cropping up daily on all sides, it seems almost futile to raise a fresh pry about such comparative trifles as heavy mess bills and excessive regimental expenditure. Still, when the lively difficulties and dangers that at the present moment threaten the Army have been in some measure lightened and alleviated, it might be worth the while of Our Only General to try to set on foot some reform that would teach the British Officer that, to place before himself a simpler of living, and one more compatible with his m in no way derogate from his claim to be considered an English Gentleman. * List, List, oh List!” Toe Bee ann THe Honermoon.—The wedding-dress of the Princess Lerrrra, who is shortly to be married to her uncle, the Duke of Aosta, is to be embroi with Bees, the emblem of the House of Bowaparte. No doubt the “going away” costume of this youn lady, who has made so singular a ¢ in the selection of a hus also include a bee—in her bonnet ! THE TRIUMPH OF CAPITAL. ‘AN ODE, (Picked up at the Crystal Palace, after the National Co-operative Festival, August 18, 1888 ; and preswmed to be intended as a sort of poetic counterblast, from another point of view, to Mr. Lewis Morris's optimistic Ode, ‘‘ The Triwmph of Labour,” sung by 4000 Voices on that occasion. ) Come, let us sing together an old song, The triumph of the truly strong. The victories of Gold we celebrate. Our Mammon still is great. Let us our chuckling voices tune to praise, Come, let us sing together the old and joyous song ! Who threatens to emancipate the clown ? Free workmen from their master’s frown ? We wish them joy of their preposterous task. Mammon may wear a mask, Of too bold flaunting of his gains afraid, But still the Sons of Toil are Slaves of Trade. Interests, in union strong, the workers’ claim disown. There is a strife not fought with sword or gun, here, ’midst smug Peace, War’s wrong is done; Still, face to face, in hostile camp they stand,— Capital, Labour’s — iy The rich man holds his own with smiling ease, And if sham peans do the poor man please, Let the fools tootle ; it is rare good fun. ** Time’s curse is almost done”? Nay, friend, not yet, Whilst grabbers grab, and sweaters sweat, Optimist bards may pipe the pastoral reed ; Pan-pipes won’t soften Greed. Were workers really “‘ strong thasedh, brotherhood,” Panic would swiftly spread through Mammon’s brood ; But, spite of poet’s song, there’s little danger yet. Pooh! Let them pipe, and for one day rejoice ; Let maudlin Morris give them voice ; We know that what has been, is, and shall be. Lewis, your fiddle-de-dee Of optimistic Odes won’t give Man power. Eh? ‘ Peaceful union bloom a perfect flower ”’ ? Nay; much more like a ‘‘ plant,” for all their noise. Co-operant donkeys bray forth solemn mirth ; Ours is the fulness of the Earth, , Culled, by strong hands, whose labour magnifies The harvest that we prize. Look round! and see how rich that harvest grows ! Whilst we’ve Wealth’s golden fruit and Pleasure’s rose, Labour’s last “ triamph,” bard, though loud, is little worth. See how around the slums the cellars fill With triumphs of the Sweater’s skill ; ‘*The man’s strong work, the woman’s deft and fine,” To swell our hoards combine. See them sit pinched and pallid, dull and dumb ; In that strange den, that’s dubbed an English home F’en children work ; play their poor mouths won't fill, Therefore let Toil make merry,and seem glad ; The vision need not make us A We, in Wealth’s wider, stronger brotherhood, Cling close, for our own " . We sing the only bond that really binds : God Mammon’s golden link. Wealth little minds The thing poor fools call ‘‘ Union,”—they are mad. And we—we sing together our old and joyous song! Quite BrapLavenasLe.—An evening observes, ‘‘ that while Christians orthodox and heterodox are y with their millions to endow churches, there does not seem to be a single wealthy unbeliever who is willing to endow Mr. BRADLAUGH, or even to rescue him from the debts by which he is em Of course, as the Junior Member for Northampton is a person of ability, this is very very sad ; but as the Agnostic by his name announces that he “ knows nothing,” it is not al strange that he should avowedly remain in ignorance of requirements of his distinguished, but alas, unfortunate co-anti-religioni Mr, Baavravem may be a big gun in his own circle, but, when the hat goes round, he is not likely to provoke quite as much enthusiasm as an eminent eccle- siastic—say, as a Canon of a cathedral,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serrember 1, 1888.

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—$—$—$$ $< —— . _ = - OUT OF TOWN. (UNFASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.) Mr. AND Mas. Wittiam Neupxkins (AND FAMILY) ARE SPENDING THE SUNDAY AFTERNOON ON HAMpsTEAD HEATH.

“MY HEART’S IN THE HIGHLANDS.” (New Version of an Old Song.) Mr. P——t sings :— My heart's in the Highlands ; it long has been here ; My heart ’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer. The hills of ould Erin are greener, I know, But for sport, at this moment, they ’re plainly no go. My heart’s in the Highlands, &e. This is clearly the place for this species of game. Here | think I may manage to track and take aim. ’Tis a monster, and proud of its high-antlered crown ; But just give me a chance, and I'll yet bring it down. My heart’s in the Highlands, &c My heart ’s in the Highlands. Great Giappr is clear That if |’ve a chance of success, it is here. He knows the ground well, and he wishes me luck. Well, J wish it were night, and the well struck ! My heart's in the Hig s, &e. I shall manage a pop at you yet, please the pigs! Though I do feel a little bit like poor old Briggs : My elbows so ache, and my knees are so sore: Still |’m bound so stalk on, though it’s rather a bore. My heart ’s in the Highlands, &c. They didn’t expect me—those Cockneys did not— To come out as a crack Caledonian shot. GoscuEn’s swaggering challenge of course was mere bluff. Horroo!!! Yet I wish that these rocks were less rough. My heart’s in the Highlands, &c. Yes, my heart's in the Highlands,—but so are my legs, Which are stiff at this moment as two timber But oh, just to hear a swift bullet go cr-r-raune Through yon animal's back-bone, or into its haunch ! My heart’s in the Highlands, &c. How little they like me, the Sassenach lot! A sleuth-hound’s slow patience, plus skill as a shot, Are needful for stalking a qua like yon. Well, a lesson we’ll learn ere all here is done. My heart’s in the Highlands, &c. All hail to the Highlands! All hail to the North! The home-land of Wii14M, the country of worth! And if to yon brute its quietus I give, I'll shout for Auld Scotland as long as I live. My heart’s in the Highlands—that is to say, here— My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer. Believe, ‘‘ brither Scots,’’—I assure you ’tis so,— My heart’s in the Highlands wherever I go!

A GOOD JOKE (FOR CLIENTS) FROM THE LAW COURTS. Hien Court or Justice, Cuancery Drvisron, Counsel (addressing Vacation Judge). My Lud, in this case I appear te ask your Ludship for leave to have a petition to wind up a Com- pany answered at an early date. Under a special Act of Parliament passed on the 13th of August, 1888, the Court has jurisdiction to wind up this Company under the provisions of the Companies Acts. Learned Judge. 1 wish it to be known by the Bar that Judges who sit in the Vacation have no knowledge of recent Acts of Par- liament. Some order has deprived the Judges of notice of Acts of Parliament formerly sent them. I cannot accept notice by hearsay. Let the petition go into the general list. Counsel, Very well, my Lud. But—— ; Learned Judge. Extremely sorry. Call the next action!

Haryessep To 4 Nionrmane.—It appears, from a letter of Sir WItuiaM Fraser to a contemporary, that the Duchess of Ricumonv’s ball at Brussels, on the eve of Waterloo, was given in a coach-house. Thus the identity of the site of this rather gruesome entertainment no longer remains without a stable foundation.

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| lor recreation, SerTeMBER 1, 1888. } PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 105 grieve. If it were a question of adulteration, that would put a new -. | complexion on the case. And even that subject would sure to end in a gratis advertisement for Somebody's Patent Home-Made Loaves. ae . C. Lord Wotsetey is going to live at Greenwich. Can’t we say anything about that ? Ed. Only that he will have increased facilities for taking shrimps with his tea. F. C. The Scotch Express Ed. Is to race no-more, but to travel at the leisurely rate that we love so much—on paper! F. C, Anything at the theatres? Barring Pewter, the new entertainment at the Comedy is the reverse of novel. £4d. Oh, I think we may leave the Drama alone at this season of a yous, Nobody expects anything notable until the middle of r. ". C. Foreign affairs ? £d, Sick of them. Besides, there aren’t any. Same old story. Bismarck mysterious, and Bovtayern blatant, Two B.’s might muggeet industry, but, on the whole, they don’t. . C. Well, then, what shall I write about ? Ed. Don’t know, Iam sure. What you like. F. C. What do you say to Giapsrone and Lucrative Straw- es | Ed. Giavstone and Gigantic Gooseberries would be more appro- priate to the season of the year; but do what you please. F. C. And can’t I have another dash at ‘*‘ How to Prevent Sleep- lessness.”’ Ed. Well, no. I think our readers will be able to discover a cure for insomnia for themselves ! {Scene closes in amidst sounds of slumber. A WORD ON BEHALF OF A PERSECUTED RACE. Waar a blessing is a sympathising Mother-in-Law! How beauti- fully she rounds off all the sharp corners of life’s right-angles. And when, as in my case, she happens to be blessed with a large amount of — literary taste, accompanied with a devotion to truthful- |ness that nothing can shake, where could a confiding Son-in-Law look for a more perfect treasure We have been spending a few days at Eastbourne, my Wife, my a, OF — 1er-in-Law, ~— = — . My Wife “ing an invalid, and Atrrep bemg fond of sailing, whic A LITTLE HOLIDAY IN SCOTLAND. emp sy am not, Mother-in-Law accompanies me A my daily Energetic Friend, “Now, Jack, STOP WHERE YOU ARE, AND stroll, and I find her quite a model companion. Being of what is YOULL GET A SPLENDID SHOT IN HALF-AN-HOUR OR 80 !” vealled, 1 believe, a a r —_ yap on oo ~—— try 1 a? , on wiath cea ,.| my feeble wing, and soar into the loftiest regions of imagination. _ rs weeny that by that time tt will be dark, and then what's), J these occasions that I find the honest candour of my companion seit 3 |so advantageous. For instance, now, we strolled the other day, despite the merry East Wind, as Cuantes Kinosixy used to call it ’ Cpa at ‘ . —poetically, of course, for practically, I must confess that I cursec FOR NOW IT IS SEPTEMBER! | and swore at it nearly all the way home, of course, sotto voce, as they a Daily P. | say at the Opera,—to Beechey Head. I never, by the bye, remember ScenE—Sanetum of a Daily Paper. | who Bercuky was, probably, as I wittily suggested to Mother-in- Editor and Faithful Contributor discovered in consultation. Law, a distant connection of Sir Hien Bexcu, a Lord of the Manor Editor, Leni afeaid a . eee | OF Epping Forest, judging by the size of his a5 5 which she vditor. 1 am afraid that Bethlehem Hospital, Marriage, Smoking, | |aughed so merrily that I promised that we should have a Pic-nic and the Irish Exhibition, are used up. _ Recs there next summer. We strolled about till near sunset, and then at. Oh maldn't I write ‘indigaantly about the Cork "iyal' codes the | turned hemeward, when my companion, soning my ardent look fixed ao oa Ree; 2 2 upon the restless sea, asked me what I saw’ Without a word of —- © . Field Officer’s Widow + : reply I sank down upon the chilly turf, and taking out my pocket- Sal ae ane eR car et eae Ree, FOS feo eae once somes sn Bey back to Ireland before we shall have had time to get published, | ee JP ae iat Bib upon Beechey’s Head! F. C. Might I not remind the G. O. M. that once he liked Mar- While the vale twilight Pu pbies on the lea! malade better than Jam, and quote from Hansard to prove it, eh ? Hark to the Fie of the Coast Guard’s tread, ¢ Ed. Faney people are growing rather tired of these raked-up little Whose telescopic glance oft sweeps the sea!” maccuracies ¢ cx- i sagt PC. Could 1 do caythin i the Matrimonial line ? I almost blushed as I placed the manuscript in her hand, and 1 Ed. I am afraid not. ou see you have already written as eagerly watched to see what effect it produced upon that candid and “A Mother of Six Daughters,” “ Little Toddlekins,” “' An Engaged | truthful relative. “She read it twice, she read it thrice,” as Tenwy- Young Man,” “Nellie,” ‘A Retired Physician,” ‘‘ A Sensible | 89% sings, and then taking both my hands in hers, she said, looking English Girl,” and “’Anti-Latch-keg ” and are getting rather full into my eyes, “‘ Jou, I could not have believed it, had I not monotonous. Can’t you think of something new ? witnessed it; why this one stanza contains, not only the exquisite F. C. Well, there is the British Museum. They say that the|™music of Sumter, but also the noble realism of sora, and Reading Room is full to overflowing with people who come there only both are combined to make up a picture that will stamp itself for ever on my fond memory. mew BIS TNAS Ed. Why ’ ; , , Why shouldn’t they ?_ If anyone is to be excluded, why not Who can wonder that on that eventful evening I at length con- | the profes: i ; 9 ; aw ie professional bookmaker who lives on scissors and paste’ Besides sented that dear ALrrep should reside with us until his Mother who cares for th iti ? F , ‘ and useful to attract poe ig : Now it no had ol be na could make other arrangements for him, J, Lrrevk. with the pigeons or the drinking-fountain outside the entrance, that would be quite a different matter. No, we must something else. FP. C. The Bakers seem to have a grievance " New Name yor THe AcxicutrursL Fottowens or rue G. 0. M. Ed. 8o long as the British Publie has rolls for breakfast, they can |—Men of Straw

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UNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARL ——— [Szrremper 1, 1888,

i) THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. sROWN, LET'S TRY AND GET INTO THE SAME MovRrnine-( LPH. HE ALWAYS COMES OUT 80 JOLLY ON THESE OCCASIO

THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. August 11.—Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin on our hands, still, it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the Bank, simply because ** he took no interest in his work, and always arrived an hour sometimes two hours) late.” We can all start off on Monday to Broadsteps with a light heart, though nearly half my allotted fortnight’s holiday has been wasted in correspondence with the Manager of the Bank at Oldham. August 13.—Hurrah! at Broadsteps. Very nice apartments near the station. | On the cliff they would have been double the price. The landlady had a nice five o’clock dinner and tea ready, which we all enjoyed, though Lurin seemed | fastidious because there happened to be a fly in the butter. It was very wet in | the evening for which I was thankful, as it was a good excuse for going to bed early. Luprn said he would sit up and read a bit. August 14.—I was a little annoyed to find Lupry, instead of reading last night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, given at the Assembly Rooms. | | expressed my opinion that such performances were unworthy of respectable patronage, but he replied, ‘‘ Oh, it was only ‘for one night only.’ I had a fit of the blues come on, and thought I would go to see Potty Presswett, England’s Particular Spark.” I told him I was proud to say I had never heard of her. Carnie said, ‘* Do let the boy alone. e's quite old enough to take care of himself, and won't forget he’s a gentleman. member you were young once yourself.” Rained all day hard, but Luprw would go out. August 15.—Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Bargate, and the first pape we met on the jetty was Gowrne. I said, ‘ Hulloh! I thought you iad gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends?” He said, ‘‘ Yes, but young Perer Lawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so | came down here. You know the Cummrnes’ are here too?” Carrie said, *‘ Oh, that will be delightful—we must have some evenings together and have games.’’ | intro- duced Lupry, saying, ‘* You will be pleased to find we have our dear boy at home!’ Gowzrye said, ‘‘ How’s that? You don’t mean to say he’s left the Bank?” I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of those awkward questions which Gow1ye always has a knack of asking. August 16.—Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade with me because | was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock coat. I don’t know what the boy is coming to. August 17.—Lvpty not falling in with our views, Carrre and I went fora sail. It was a relief to be with her alone, for when Lvuprn irritates me, she always sides with him. On our return, he said, ‘‘ Oh, you ’ve been on the ou "ll come to six-pennorth * Shilling Emetiec,’ have you? Y next [ presume he meant a tricycle, but I affected not to understand him. on the ‘ Liver Jerker’ | August 18.—Gowtse and Cummines walked over ty arrange an evening at Bargate. It being wet, Gowns asked CummiInes to accompany him to the hotel and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in fact disapprove of the game. CuMMINGS said he must |hasten back to Bargate; whereupon Lvpry, to my horror, said, ‘‘I’ll give you a game, Gowrne—a hundred up. A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite for dinner.” I said, ‘‘ Perhaps Mister Gow1ne does not care to play with boys.” Gowrne surprised me by saying, “(0h yes, I do, if they play well,” and they walked off together, August 19 (Sunday).—I was about to read Lupry a sermon on smoking (which he indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat and walked out. Cire then read me a long sermon on the palpable inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere child. I felt she |was somewhat right, so in the evening I offered hima sed, but, after a few whiffs, said, one of mine,” and he almost to put in the cigar. He seemed plea |** This is a good old tup’ny—t | handed me a cigar long enoug’ | umbrella rack. | August 20.—I am glad our last day at the seaside was | fine, though clouded overhead. We went over to Crx- | mines’ (at Bargate) in the evening, and as it was cold, |we stayed in and played games; GowmNe, as usual, |overstepping the mark. at catenaiel we should play “Cutlets,” a game we never heard of. He sat ona chair, and asked Carrre to sit on his lap, an invitation which dear Carrrz rightly declined. After some species of wrangling, J sat on Gowmye’s knees and CARRIE sat on the edge of mine. Lvupry sat on the edge of Cannty’s lap, then Cummines on Lupry’s, and Mrs, Cum™Mines on her husband’s. We looked very ridiculous, and laughed a good deal. Gowtne then said, ‘‘ Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?” We had to answer all together, ‘* Yes—oh, yes,” (three times). Gowrne said, “So am ,»”’ and suddenly got up. The result of this stupid joke was that we all fii on the ground, and poor Cang | banged her head against the corner of the fender. Mrs. |CoumMINGs put some vinegar on, but through this we missed the last train, and had to drive back to Broad- steps, which cost me seven-and-sixpence.

— | RAILWAY READING. | THE IDEAL, ACCORDING TO SIR THEODORE MARTIN. | | Scene—Platform Book-stall, Stall-keeper discovered. | Passenger (entering leisurely). Can you recommend anything ? Reall-heeper (after consideration). Well, Sir, if your journey is a long one, would not ALLison’s History of Europe, or Grppon’s Decline and Fall suit you? Passenger. I thank you, but I think something lighter would please me better. I am leaving busy toiling London, in search of leisure—recreation. Stall-keeper. Then, perchance, the poet’s song would please you. We have Paradise Lost, that mighty work of mightier Mrztoy. Or, should you prefer the Drama's claims, here is SHAKSPEARE, in twelve handy folios. Passenger. Nay, know Mitton and the Bard of Avon by heart, I would give prose romance a turn. Stall-keeper. Well, then, Sir, I can recommend a0 edition, fully illustrated, of that great Wizard of the North, Sir Watrer Scott; or prefer you something still more modern? We have the History of Lord Macavtay, which, they tell me, is quite a romance. | Passenger (smiling). I see you are fond of quaint conceits; but have you no modern novels ? Stall-keeper. Ay! Indeed, we have, Sir! The works of Georee Extior and of THackeRay. Passenger (hesitats )- And yet I know not how t choose with such a — y feast before me. Let me see. Porter (approaching). Please, Sir, you have miss your train, [Passenger expresses annoyance, as the Scene closes. | THE REAL, ACCORDING TO THE FACTS OF THE CASE. | Scene—Platform Book-stall. Stall-keeper discovered. Passenger (entering hurriedly). Can you recommend | anything ? | Stall- <ul (promptly). Yes, Sir. Dead Beat, The latest thrilling shocker. P | Passenger. All right! That'll do. [ Buys i. Porter (approaching). Just in time for your train, Sit. | [Passenger expresses satisfaction as the Scene closes. |

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| Serreunen 1, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 13. (

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LIKA JOKO GOES YOTTIN.

we are rather proud of ‘‘ keeping” (as they say at Cambridge) with A LONG VACATION STORY, BY A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. BANDSMAN, a we hope to ike some of the briefs that may fall You must know that my Chambers are not entirely my own. from the great man’s writing-desk. I have a very slight ucquaint- As a matter of fact, I oceupy personally a circular window divided ance with him personally, my conversations with him having been into compartments and shut in with a green baize curtain from a composed chiefly of “ Good morning” or ‘‘ Good evening” passed to room of larger proportions (belonging to another tenant), through one another on our meeting in the passage common to both our rooms. which I have to pass before id reach my own well-ventilated However, of course 1 know him very well by sight, and have noticed ‘sanctum. The other tenant and I take about a fourth of the com- that he is a severely precise, neat, and quiet kind of man. I have Plete snite, the remainder being rented principally by Baypsmay, heard that he intends some day to be Lord Chancellor, and is now, so the eminent leader of the South Northern Circuit. ‘To tell the truth, to speak, in training for that dignified position. My excellent and

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV [Sertemper 1, 1888 ARI. = == ————_—____=. clerk, Portrseronx, who, as a rule, is no great respecter of us, always talks of Banpsman with bated breath, end rushes ypen the outer door when the great man prepares to leave e Chambers. It is necessary to explain this, and further to add, that with the good-fellowship habitual to men occupying the same Chambers, by an unwritten law we are permitted to use one another’s rooms in the absence of their proper proprietors. My own particular room is popularly supposed by those of my unprofessional friends oecasionally honour me with a visit, to be the cupboard, in which my wig and gown, when not arguing abstruse points of law Loxp Carer Justice, the Master of the Rotts, and other learned personages. From this it will be seen that Bawpsman’s apartment is far more imposing than my own. Some little while ago I had reason to believe that I might receive certain Vaeation business from a Solicitor who had been kind enough to say that he considered himself under an obligation to me (I had bailed him out when he had been arrested at two o’clock in the morning while attempting to let himself in with a corkscrew, which it appears he had mistaken for his own latch-key), and consequently I had warned Portryeron that should any client ask for me it would be as well if he showed him into the rooms of my co-chamberman, Mr. BaAnDSMAN. ‘* He is rather eccentric,” I had said, on bidding my excellent and admirable Clerk adieu, “‘and may possibly be a little excited when he calls; so merely show him in, and do not disturb him if he goes to sleep.”’ Portrneton bowed, and said that he quite understood the situation. On the following morning as I was entering my Chambers I was met by an American acquaintance, for whom I have a very deep respect, but who is not entirely accustomed to the staid ways of what he calls this “‘ played-out old country.”” He button-holed me, and told me that he had been looking out for the London friend of a friend of his in the States. He could not find the said London friend, now was hunting for the said friend’s children. ‘*My friend’s friend’s name was Smira,—Ronert Smiru,” he ** He was living in 1824. Thatisso. I have advertised If you hear from any of them, why just rward t +} why I ke« Dp with the so observed for his descendants, if any. you let me know.” ‘* My dear fellow,” I replied, ‘I shall be only too delighted if | be of any service to you. But surely it’s a little vague 5 it at all! A card will do anything in the States. Why not I have put your name and address to the advertisement. So if you hear from any of them, why just you writ« Restante, Rome,’ where I am due the day after to-morrow. can here ¢ Yes to ‘ Poste (rood ve And before I could say anything in response, he had seized my hand, wrung it heartily, hastily jumped into a hansom cab, and was being driven at a gallop towards the Victoria Railway Station. \ little flurried by this rather unexpected encounter, I paused a few moments to regain my composure, and then entered Chambers. ‘* He’s come, Sir,”’ said Portrneton, as I walked in, shown him into Mr. BANDsMAN’s room. but I suppose it is all right. But you won’t be long, I hope, Sir, as Mr. Banpsman’s Clerk tells me that Mr. BanpsMAN is coming up to town at two o’clock, and will want to use his room for several consultations that can’t wait until the end of the Vacation.” ‘Oh, certainly, Portrnetroy,” I replied. ‘‘ No doubt I shall not require the room for more than half an hour.” Geen this I assumed my best manner (I usually adopt a cheery and genial air when dealing with clients—it puts them at their ease), and entered the apartment in which my anticipated acquaintance was seated, and greeted him with great cordiality. ** Delighted to see you, my dear Sir,” I exclaimed—and then | stopped. To my astonishment I found, instead of my expected visitor a rough-looking person in a velveteen coat and a fur cap, with a newspaper in his right hand, and a thick short stick in the other ‘*Ax your parding, Guvnor,” said this person, with rather a threatening air, ‘‘ but I’ve come about this ’ere advertisement.” He handed me the newspaper with a marked passage in the second column of the front page ‘You are BrRrerLess, ain’t you?” he asked, roughly. I nodded, and glanced at the marked passage. To my horror I found it was a request that all persons claiming relationship with a Ropert Sarrn, living in 1820, should call upon me at my Chambers, when they ‘* would hear of something to their advantage.” ** Now,” said the person, looking at his stick, ‘‘ I ain’t going for to stand no nonsense. before the doors was opened. Bos Smrra was my uncle. the summut I’m going for to ’ear to my advantage ?” I really did not know what to say ordo. I could not hel Sirree ‘ ‘and I have What’s fee li ng greatly annoyed at my American acquaintance’s thoughtless im- petuosity “Se you are old Bos Saira’s descendant, are you, my worthy fellow *’’ I exclaimed, with a heartiness I was far from feeling. “None of your gammon,” he replied, roughly; “ but stump up my | He’s rather a rum ‘un, Sir; | I ave wasted ’arf a day ’ere, ’cos I turned up| now you knows my rights. Cos why—if you don’t stump up it won be pleasant for you.”’ Greatly upset by his threatening demeanour, I was about t remonstrate, when Portrneton ushered in two more rough-looking persons and three muscular females. The five additions to our litt), circle produced as many marked newspapers, and immediately calle | my attention to what they described as their “‘ rights,” ean My worthy people,” I began, ‘‘I fear there must be some mis. e. They anathematised the suggestion, and all six of them advance towards me with a demeanour that made me devoutly wish that w: had included a police-constable on the strength of our clerical esty- blishment. I saw that I must temporise. **My good friends, I was a little unprepared for your visit, but if you will wait here a few minutes, I think I can satisfy you. And now I will retire.” The rough-looking men were inclined to bar my exit, but the thre: females, with the observation ‘“‘that anyone could see as I was q gentleman as meant to be’ave as a gentleman,” suggested that | should be allowed to go on the understanding that I returned in tiv: minutes with the ‘‘ summut”’ I had presumedly promised to give them. The men accorded a grudging consent, and 1 walked away. Once | outside, with a hurried remark to Portryeron that I might not | return until the commencement of Term, I left my Chambers. Later in the day I passed Pumphandle Court, and from a loud altercation I heard going on within (in which I distinetly recognised the voice of BanpsMAN raised in angry expostulation), I much fear that my unwelcome visitors (who seemed to be still in possession), had seriously interfered with the serenity that usually is the charac- teristic of my eminent co-Chamberman’s important consultations, IS SMOKING A FAILURE P Sim,—I have not the least doubt that the discovery made by Mepicus, dating from the Middlesex Hospital, that smoking Turkish and Evyptian cigarettes is most injurious to health, is absolutely correct. I have often wondered why it is that I feel so uncommonly queer after dinner; now at last the mystery is ex- jlained. It is all due to the ‘* Wady {alfa Paragons” that I have been in the habit of smoking, but which I shall now | abjure in favour of a pipe and some extra strong Virginia shag. assure you that | often and often I have felt just as if my | throat were on fire, and have habitually | __, gone to bed in my boots, awaking the next | Beer or Bier—The Smoker's morning with a perfectly splitting head- | Mixture. ache. Yet I have been most moderate in eating, and have steadily limited my drinking to two bottles of | Tokay and half a bottle of Scotch whiskey per evening, which surely | nobody can call an excessive supply. Some ridiculous friends haw insisted that I am suffering from Mocholie poisoning, and have induced me to try this retreat, kept—I faney—by a medical chum of their own; | | but you can judge how mistaken the treatment here is when I say that | I am limited to two glasses of weak ‘‘ Vin Ordinaire” a day, while the | presiding physician does not care in the least how many noxious and | poisonous cigarettes I indulge in. Need I say that, after these awful revelations of Mepicus, I have given a weekly notice of my intention to leave this retreat—‘‘ beat a retreat,” I may perhaps call it—and resume my old modes of life, minus my oid penchant for cigarettes, but plus pipes and cigars, ad lib, ? Yours, eye-openedly, A Toren. The Home for Inebriates, Lostwittles, Cornwall. Srr,—my mucous membrane isin an awful condition ! Do you know what it is to have a couple of Doctors exploring your larynx for three | hours, as if it were a part of the Dark Continent? Ido. They say | | that my laryngeal regions—by which I think they mean my throat, | only a natural delicacy prevents them putting it so plainly affords a most interesting study, because in all their experience they have never seen anything look half so bad! This is comforting to me. Now, | after Mepicus’s disclosures as to the horrible ‘* unclassified alkaloid | poison” in Egyptian cigarettes, I cannot have a doubt where my U!- ness has come from. Where it will go to, time and my Doctors wil have to decide between them. And then for Mepicus calmly to con- | fess that the alkaloid ‘unclassified!’ I don’t feel, how- | 0180 is .: §| ever, as if it would do my “laryngeal regions” much good even i | it were classified. - Yours, mucussedly, A Dapsier rn Ee@yprian’. P.S.—A sanitary expert has just told us that our house happens @ be planted over an old cesspool, and that all the domestic pipe | connect directly with it. Possibly, after all, the alkaloid is not | guilty as we thought. —_ - - 2 ————_—S—i‘(itt t> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by « Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

Page 147

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Szrremesn 1, 1888.

> Fruit SALINE.OR FRUIT POWDER 8 ae HEALTH-CIVING. "ty? PLEASANT. COOLING. of nN REFRESHING. & INVIGORATING.

MPORTANT TO TRAVELLERS.— I A! Peninsula, Siam, and Cambodia, and have undoubted iy Bonioed great benefit from it. after our supply of Fruit Salt had run out. IMPORTANT TO ALL LEAVING HOME FOR A CHANGE. “Among the most useful medicines that have been introduced within the last century is BNO’S ‘FRUIT SALT,’ There is no doubt that whete it has been taken in the earliest stage of a disease, it has, in many instances, prevented what would otherwise have been a severe illness, “FRUIT SALT’ upon a disordered and feverish condition of the system is marvellous. As a nursery medicine the ‘FRUIT SALT’ is invaluable ; instead of children disliking it, they look upon it rather in the light of a luxury. As a gentle aperient and a corrective in cases of any sort of over - indulgence in eating or drinking, ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ is all that is needful to restore freshness and vigour. The effect of BNO’S In cases of Nervous Headache and Debility it is especially useful, and should be taken in all cases where persons suffer from a sluggish condition of the Liver.”— Young Ladies’ Journal. TIBI QQ Ii hen making long marches under the powerful rays of a vertical sun, or travelling throu, “We, the undersigned, have for the last four years used your FRUIT SALT during several important survey expeditions {1 in te In one instance only was one of our party attacked with fever during that per h swampy <( stricta, the ave used the Fruit Salt two and three times a day in the following manner and proportions :—At daybreak two teaspoonsful mixed with the Taice of a raw lime and a aye sugar, in a tambler of water, shortly afterwards a retiring for - night another teaspoonful in water. easure in voluntarily testifying to the value of Foard truly, Commander A. J. Lorrvs, F.R.G. Siam, May, 1883.—J. C. Eno, Eeq., London.” er MULANTS and insufficient amount of exercise signed have i] it to others.— Sxoapansiy & derange the vets ENO’S FRUIT SALT is AT eared adapted for any weakness of liver. A world of woes is avoided yy ose who keep and A ENO’S FRUIT SALT. ean istomers for BNO’S FRUIT SALT weuld not be without it a any consideration, the y having received so much benefit from it.”—Woop Brorness, C CAUTION.—Lxamine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO'S ‘“‘ FRUIT SALT.” SOLD BY ALL emists, Jersey, 1878.’’ —_ the bleod cool and healthy, and wards off fever. e never go in the jongie without it, and have also recommer ‘de Bligh meal of tea or coffee, bread, and fruit; about middayone small spoonful, with raw lime juice and water, and be to ruit Salt used as aforesaid acts as a gentle aperient, kee ? bes preparation, and their firm belief in its efficacy his Siamese Majesty’s Hydrographer; EK. C, Daviosos, Superintendent Siamese Government Telegraphs. The an ~Bangkok, UCCESS IN LIFE.—“ A new invention is brought before the public, and com mands success. A seore of abo imitations are immediately introduced by the unscrupulous, who, in copying the original closely enough to deceive the public, and yet bot 80 exactl CHEMISTS. as to infringe upon legal righta, exercise an ingenuity that, empl an original channel, ceuld not fail to secure reputation and profit,” Without it, you have been imposed on by a@ worthless timation, od in Apams Prepared only at_Eno’s wruit Salt” Works, Pomeroy Street, New Cross Road, London, S.E,

THE HINDOO PEN. Crligue Point. ‘Three Grades, Mog. 1, 2, and 3. “ Are rer te inestimabie.”—Covar Jounmat. | Everywhere. 6d. and ls. per Rox eo mple Box, with ‘all the kinds. Is. la by Post. MACNIVEN & CAMERON, WAVERLEY WOKKS, EDINBURGH, BURGOYNE’S CGustralian |* WINES. TINTARA, BRANXTON BURGUNDY, HIGHERCOMBE, ee LUFT §

LUGGAGE, PASSENGER, &c. Yor HOTELS, MANSIONS, &o. DINNER and ae § LIFTs, CLARE, BUMNETT, & 00.. BUNNETT, & 00., Lim., RATHBONE PLACE. _W

NEAVE’S BEST AND LISHED 1825. FOOD FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, CHEAPEST. AND THE ACED,

reget legend] Six mee I27F MEDALS FOR ] hiledelphia, 1876 ; Gold Medal, ypa7e, } inet Prize Medal, byane: 7 , 1879 ; Megajs, Cork , 1868. “VERY fine Good Spirit. Oo, ee Award, Philadelphia vise as fine cork RCo Giliban , MOKKISON’S ISLAND, COR

COLD WEOAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878. KINAHAN’S ma, LL WHISKY. WHOLESOMB, THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1885. 20, GREAT TITCH FIELD STREET, LONDON, W “THE rere OL p' TRISH WHISKIES.”

bottic to-day of PERKY DAVIS’ PALN- a to-day o Wein. it instantly buble vee hs

pres Se

fall flavor and |

UMBRELLAS. Limited, have added to their celebrated frames decided improvements (protected hy Letters Patent), which give increased Stability and greater Neatness to the Umbrella SAMUEL FOX & ©O, BAMUP!L FOX & CO., Limited, mana- u e the Steel specially for all their frames, and are thus able w provide exceptional quality et a merely nominal price over inferior makes “A DAILY TREAT.” TOWER TEA. SOLD IN EVERY TOWN, London: SPIERS & POND, Ld. PiDMaN's 8 SEA SALT. Patronised by the Koya! Family. TIDMAN’ § SEA SALT, TIDMAN's 5 SEA SALT. pinwan's SEA SALT. “Beery Sensi Te toe wry Genuine Pee age

The beastiful os any oll 4 odour of the J OSSMITH, BON & 80-NENATE GATEST. tonben J. EXSHAW & 60'S FINEST OLD BRANDY. per don, in Canes as imported Tw pb de & Co , Kegent Street, W ECowign Medicines

Page 148

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Serrsmese 1, 1888. and Guardians who Javenile charges for any lewes, Schoola, &c atiained very large dimensions, s fuitsa, Overcoats, Hosiery, Boots, &c., durable qualities ensured. and sole proprietors “W EAR-RESISTIN( manufactared to Boys and Youths & ——ennerrnr™ FOR YOu. FOR ME. | {7 red ana t ring, Your System Weak A. A Sound Tonse lness | To DEBILITY, | QUININE) | WEar NERVES, | PICK UP [ovzz wour, | ciVES enstion, [STRENGTH | ENERGY | oa [weATH | tire J" "Rea | LOR DE JAV FLO INDIAN CIGARS of an exquisitely ch tes 22s., 200., and ifs om "Box of 100, Post Free. Semple, 4 ond 5 for ls (14 etamps). BEWLAY & CO. 49, Strand, and 143, Cheapside. eet Hritain BALL- POINTED PENS. H. HEWITTS PATENT.) As wsod by H.B.2. tho Prince cf Wales. Agents These Pens neither scratch nor spurt, but glide over the roughest paper. They hold more ink and last longer Bix sorts, eultable for ledger, bold, rapid, or profes- @onel writing. Assorted Noa of 33 Pens for is. id. ; or with Ebony Anti-Mietting Penholder, for ls. é¢ Yost Free of all Stationers, or ORMISTON =: GLASS, , Edinburgh. NUDA VERITAS HAIR RESTORER. For Twenty-Two Years acknowledged to be superior to all Mair Restorers. effvctual, Most _—— apd Nt on ve VERITAS re- store * grey or faded hair to its origimal colour NUDA VERITAS prevents hair fallin NUDA VERI causes growth on ala spore ¢ in cnses at We. 64 by , from whom Circulars UDA VERITAS is « all Perfumers, Chemists, & may be had Auents R Reaveas Sraset, W., and 9) Lew USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES. ~ BEST FOOD FOR INFANTS. Ie Tins, 1s., 2s., be. and 10s. each. SAVORY & MOORE, Lonoor, 4 AND SOLD EVERYWHERE. HOVENDEN & BONS, Tl and 3, 06, Crrt Roan, B.C., - TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS. Mesers. SAMUEL. BROTHERS respectfully invite an inspection of their Show Rooms by Parents are desirous of Outfitting their of the Public or Private Col- The requirements of Youths and Boye have for very many years engaged the closest attention of Mesers. Samucet Beoruens, with the result feat this important department of their business has that every want in ia fally met, and The Firm are the originators of a special material, styled the + FABRIC” (Regd.), that has been withetand the hard wear given by their school and every-day dress, 65 & 67, LUDGATE HILL, LONDON, E. C. A rand delicate aroma, | other | | | | SAMUEL BROTHERS. " Sere, a “Jace t Fas” @ Cover” ~ Serr. ‘Loaxe” nnn all * Eros” Serr. “Care” Ovencoar “Gola Modal, oy Paris, 1876. JOSEPH GILLOTT'S STEEL PENS LOHSE’S (MAIGLOCKCHEN) PERFUME is the most fashionable of the day, sold by all high class ferfurners. GUSTAV LOHSE, BERLIN Yell PATENT DIAGONAL SEAM CORSET. Will not split in the seams or tear in the Fabric. Exquisite Mode'. Perfect Comfot. THE Guaranteed Wear THREE GOLD MEDALS OM dies’ Outdtiers. ’ SWIFT'S SPECIFIC is entirely a Vegetabie ration, containing no Mercury, FP , Arsenic, or any Brcing -_ stance, and cleanses the blood aan impurities through the pores of the of thousends of cases be isesses, and Mercurial Poisoning have been re- Meved by Swift's Specific Mrs. Sanam Powrtt, 3%, Russell Street, Hyde Road, West Gorton Manchester, writes -— “1 suffered for many years with Cancer on my tongue, which came I took Swift + & and talk as wel 6.8.5.—Swift's Specific, sold by al! Chemists ond Price— Potent Medicine Dealers. ° Liquid, 4, 64. per bottle; Dry, 2s. 64. per age, posted on receipt of kbeve price. Tor "Treatise om Blood and Skin Diseases. FP free. THE SWIFT SPECIFIC COMPANY, %, SNOW HILL, LONDON, EC. | RAZOR STROPPING MACHINE i J : 3 ; as. 344 S «i5a _ ez § ws ‘¢ F tt § a “ae : ef s a blunt, the machine THE “PREMIER” “Tested in every way, on razors keen and razors is riection. There is no trouble, science, or skill Involved in ite use. You merely fix your razor in th~ holder, edge down- wards, turn a handl~ slowly for a few seconds, and, behold the ta3 nm i. as keen—well, let us say, asa rezor should be.”’—araact or Txerrmomiat. 4. GORDON, Winchester House, Old Broad Street, London, E.C. ADAMS’S FURNITURE POLISH. THE OLDEST AND BEST. “Tee Queen” the Lady's Newspaper “ feels no hesitation in recommending it.” Bold by Grocers. lronmongers, Oilmen. te Manufactory—VALLEY ROAD, SHEFFIELD. BRILL'S SEA SALT. 14d. per Bath. BRACING AND REFRESHING, OF ALL CHEMISTS, &c. TORPID LIVER CARTERS POSITIVELY CURED BY THESE LITTLE PILLS. They aiso relieve Dis- tress from Dy: yspepsia, Indigestion. and Too Hearty weay A per fect remedy © Diszi- Mouth. Coated Tongue outh. Coa Pain in the Side, o, and Heapscus. They regu- late the Bowels and prevem Constipation and Piles. The smallest and easiest to take Svean CoaTep Puasr Veorrasie, do not gripe or purge, but ae tle action please ai! who use ished 866. Standard Pill of the United States. In phials at ls. gd. Sold by all Chemists, or sent by post. | GMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE. SMALL PRICE. Iiustrated Pamphiet free. British Depét. 4, Holborn Viaduct. London. F.C SMOKE ASON’S ‘‘Golden SATURDAY EVERY PUBLISHED The Sweetest Tobaees in the World. Sold by Tobacconists in Packets only GEO. MASON & SOV, CHESTERFIELD. TUBES .- icc. and — Purposes; Galvanised or White Enameiled In stuck to 6 in. diameter. Cocks, Valves, @t Joms Srexcun, Globe Tube Works, Wedneset: and i4, Gt, St. Thomas Apostle, London HOWARD BEDFORD PLOUGHS| FRY’S P CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE “3 consider it a very rich delicious | URE | COCOA Cocca.” —W. EH. BR. STANLEY, M.D. PLAYER'S GOLB LEAF NAVY CUT The Perfection of Tobacco. Printed by W Uliew Stuart Gmith, of im the Preeiact avniree oat te the Vorteh of 06, Mery, lalington, to the County of Middiesez, eet Givect, eo the Parish of 8t Offices of Messre Agnew, & Co. Lombart 1% oR uriie chy of he hm 1 i-

Page 149

Booksellers’ v Gookstalis. Also complete in Cloth, price Half-a-Crown. raf Bill. | ==" | Robert. x2

= ed wl > a “SONS3d 33YHL 301d PUBLISHED NINETY-FIFTH. —o— SEPTEMBER 8, 5 auubatiss aneheataeme a DU SY OL Yo . Sees PC VOLS Mi Tt ) SE mal - eee ho NT res ies me

Thi | } aN Xi S\Y 7 > y > AY Pe Se s eo yf {p I ' M9 1 17 \y Hh AN BS bay”, 2: ze 0% poh 1904 Ih Te mae ott tl All’ car \ i Uinmaa™ WIZ ’ ;

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, _AND SOLD B' BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. “= SCHWEPPE’s TABLE WATERS QUEEN ano PRINCE of WALES. Sales during 1887, 12,289,260 Bottles. a the General Post Vilice as

Page 150

__PUNCH, OR TI THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —Szrremser 8, 1888.

yeu LLAN’S MAGAZINE. | » First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & POLSON inisse. BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR For Sr TSM SER onerr L Gece) by Pret Marte Chaps the Birds i Wales; wie & aere Mehvws Preed; by George + my Centenary a Bologna University ; Profte 6 Game enalhon my ‘is the United States, a re ’ @ The Giorificd Spineter 7. The Native Indian Preas; by Stephen Wheeler a oom and the a, etry of the Eighteenth Cen- try w 9 Gaston 4+ » hn Gon Uinue MACM LLAN a ©O wiv by W. Warde oa y Walter Pater Tow LONDON

Now ready Sixpence), New Series, No 6. THE CORNHILL MAGAZINE for SEPT mtaining, among ether articies of interest, Prench Janet,” Chaps. 1-3—* A Coach Drive at the Lakes,” Port |.—“Anm Original Edition ' Notes by & Neturalist: the Heron and it Haunts,”’ anc “ A Life's Morning,” by the Author of “ Demos Thyrza,” &c., Chaps. X VIL. and XVI Lonéce Surra, Biogen, & Co BLACKWOOD'S MAGAZINE Mo. 875 , 16, Waterioo Place.

ConTarts A S#TIVP - NPCKED GENERATION, XAZIL—XXV ON ST HERRERTS ISLAND, DERWENT WATER. Hy the late Muss B. J. Haseie. MY TREASURE THE KOMANCE OF STATE-MAPFING. By Cotowat T. Pitameron Warre, B.E THE MINSTREL’S CURSE. By Lepwic Ustanp. Transiated by Sim Tusodoas Maarim, K.C.B. UNDER CANVAS IN A PROCLAIMED DIs- TRICT. By F. Nout Patron THE OLD 8ALOON; FRENCH NOVELS MK. PORSTER AND IRELAND THE NAVAL MAN(CEUVRES; THEIR OBJECTS AND KRBSULTS Cuars, WILLIAM BLACKWOOD isp SONS, Bdinburgh and London TO THE DEAF DEAFNESS CURED. — A very interesting 32 page Ulustrated Book on Deaf. ness Noises in the Head. How they may be cured at your home. Post Pree,3d. Address Dr. Nicmoceow, 21 Kedfors Square, London, W.C, London, W.C, STUTTERING is quick!y and thoroughly cured by the establishment of ROBERT ERNST BERSIN w POTSPAMERSTK., a7. Prospectus gratis and fost paid, THE STANDARD

LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Aecumulated Fund, 6} Millions Stg. FOR PROTECTION INJWLSIANI P EDINBURGH, 8 George Bt. (Head Office) LONDON, 88 King William Street, E.C. 8 Pall Mall Bast, 6. Ww. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Gackville Street. Branches & Agen tes in ndia & the Colonies GOLDEN HAIR AOBARE' AUREOLINE produces the bea ecmired ben & Bows, 31 and 33, berners bt ee ae

iN LEATHER © DLACK HANDLE | IVORY Do. 7, 7 | Was in the field sometime before any other was anywhere heard of, and no other has now an equal claim to the — confidence.

VAN

HOUTEN’S pure souuste OOCOA BEST & GOES FARTHEST. “tt is admirable.’—BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL,

REDFERN, LADIES’ TAILOR, GOWNS ATS ULSTERS “The most noted firm of Ladies’ Tailors in the World, and, be it said, the most original,”’--Vide Press. COWES, LONDON, EDINBURCH, PARIS, NEW YORK. SODEN MINERAL PASTILLES Universally acknowledged the best remedy for affections of the THROAT, CHEST, AND LUNGS. They are speci recommended by our greatest Medical Authority, STR MORELL MACKENZIE, whose testimonial ~ — to each box, Of all Chemists at Post Free for stamps, of SODEN Pat PRODUCE Co., 10, Deen's Bertpines, aan, Lewpos, E.C. T0 SAVE THE TEETH, USE DAILY THOMPSON & CAPPER'S DENTIFRIGE WATER. In 1s. 64, Os. G4, ds. Gd., and Bs. 64 bottles. BEWARE OF INJURIOUS IMITATIONS THOMPSON & CAPPER, CHEMISTS, 55, Bold Street, Liverpool, and 51, Piccadilly, Manchester.

MAPPIN & WEBBS TABLE KNIVES,

LOHSE’S (MAIGLOCKCHEN) LILY PERFU MI E is the most fashionable of sold by all ewaprone “Sates GUSTAV LOHSE, BERLIN

PIDMAN’s 'S SEA SALT. sed by the Royal Pamily. TIDMAN’ 8. SEA SALT. lysed and approv: 4 by Dr. Hassall. TIDMAN’ 8 SEA SALT. nstantiy recommended by Medical Men. TIDMAN’ 8 SEA SALT. Has given Strength and Vigour to Millions. Beware Imitations. = Genuine Package bears Tidman’s name ind Trade Mark

When medicine time used to come round, We were off with a skip, and a hop, and a bound, Because it was—oh, such a nasty compound; As nasty as nasty could be! Ta But now we rush into the room with a bound, For we a Li. when medicine time comes For a Booutifal Medicine Mamma has found

OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL O82 OF THE MOST BOCONOMICA, FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDOy

2s « eee. THE NEW PERFUME. “WHITE GLOVER” “ Beent of White Clover came over the ies * WHITAKER & GROSSMITH 23, SILK STREET, CITY, LONDON 2s. 64, Sold by Chemists, &c., or direct CALLARD & BOWSER’s CELEBRATED BUTTER-SCOTCH. “REALLY WHOLESOME CONFECTIONERY: BEST BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER'S INK (DICHROIC), Of all Stationers.

LONDON DEPOT: HAYDEN & CO, 10, Warwick Square, E.0. Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DRAPES, Ltd., Dutin THE “PREMIER” _ RAZOR STROPPING MACHIN

Every Machine Guaranteed. “T in every Way, <a razors keen and man biunt, the machine is perfection. There » * tre nuble, science, or skill involved in its use Yo | merely ‘fx your razor im the holder, edge dom wards, turn a handi« slowly for a few seconés, so¢, behold the weapon is as keen—weil, let may a8 razor should be.""—Extnracr or Testimox GORDON, Winchester House, Street, London, F.C.

JEWSBURY & BROWNS Oriental” = hooth’s BROWN. Pa ste. ge attached to a

vid ‘Broad

THE Bount: The as recipr they h a COM] to rise It w Moy will n refres| come, with } accort thrus' them was | | ho ore | Bor had a | | her iz | he Tse | ment reque ferrit Euro

Page 151

_——_ SgrTeMBER 8, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 109 A LESSON FROM THE AUTUMN MAN(CEUVRES. THE EFFECTIVE USE OF MOUNTED INFANTRY. reflections of their own, that they di Then some of them closed The man bowed profoundly. He had understood his orders. He knew that the dishes were to be drugged, and the champagne doctored with morphia. . . . 7 . Several courses had been disposed of, and the dinner was appa- rently promising to be a great success. Never was hostess more bewitchingly entertaining; never were guests more enthusiastic. On the right of the Princess sat the Baron, on her left the German Count. The conversation was airy and brilliant. 4 How about those promi nouvelles from Constantinople, Princess?” asked the Baron, endeavouring to give the talk a ractical turn. But his fair hostess only replied with a little timely inage, and motioned to the seryant to hl up her interlocutor’s glass with more champagae. So the dinner sped on. The cuisine was pronounced excellent, the wine b. But little by little, almost imperceptibly, the conversation. n to quiet down. It halted strangely. Then it dropped altogether. It seemed as if all the guests were gradually ing so absorbed in some private not care to break the silence for the purpose of imparting their thoughts to their neighbours. thabteves. The Baron, who noticed the soporific influence stealing over (A Story a la Mode for Those who Know.) THE PRINCESS PAPOFFSCHIN’S LITTLE DINNER. TuE sitting of the International Conference for the Suppression of Bounties on 8 had been postenges to an unusually late hour. The assembled Ministers had been dealing with a delicate phase of reciprocal engagements, and had determined not to separate until | they had at least a rough draft of the Convention in something like ; : ; and having accomplished this, they were about losin bares } knob. a completed sha to rise, when a Messenger entered, and handed a note to the Baron. It was a scented epistle on rose-leaf paper, and ran as follows :— Mon Cuer Baron, You must be weary after your labours of this afternoon, and | will need relaxation. What do you say to a petit diner chez moi to refresh you’ Persuade, then, your good confréres to join you, and come, all of you, sans cérémonie, just as you are, and honour me with your company. I may, peut étre, have des nouvelles de Constanti- nople to give you. Mais, nous verrons ce soir, n'est-ce pas? Come. Yours always devotedly, FEDEOREVNA PAPorrscHIN. “It is from the Princess,” said the Baron, his face beaming with a kindling radiance as he glanced at the contents of the dainty | missive before him. ‘“* She us all to dine with her quite inform- jally. Listen!” Then he read the little note. There was a murmur of approbation from the Conference. Instantly they rose as if by one | accord, and hurriedly collecting the business papers before them, | thrust them into their respective coat-pockets. They had all of | them only one reply to make. They accepted with enthusiasm. Nor | was this surprising. The Princess FepROREVNA PAPOFFSCHIN was no ordinary woman. Born in Russia, she soon after the death of her husband, the Prince, had appeared in diplomatic society in Belgrade, and had rapidly, by her intelligence, tact, and capacity for intrigue, succeeded in getting herself such an acknowledged factor in the stirring political move- ment of the times that she had received her passports, and had been requested to leave the country at twenty-four hours’ notice. Trans- ferring in turns her residence to Vienna, Madrid, Berlin, and other European capitals where similar experiences invariably after a time awaited her, she was next heard of as the intimate friend of several Parisian statesmen of note, and though her career in the Frerich eapi- tal had come to a rather en termination, owing to the connection oi her name with a celebrated café chantant , she seemed to ve preserved en of her tation to assure her a hearty welcome among the leading of English diplomatic society. as intimately aequainted with the secret counsels of the Sultan, her friendship was eagerly cultivated by the heads of the Foreign Office, and it was not an uncommon sight to see her surrounded in some West End salon by a thronging crowd of politicians and statesmen hanging on her lightest word. Indeed, it was stated that the Premier himself was so deep in her confidence that the entire direction of his Eastern Policy had latterly been due to her advice and influence. It was not to be wondered at that the Conference accepted her invita- tion with alacrity. A chance of an informal evening with the fasci- hating Princess in her delightful mansion in Mayfair out of the season was not an experience te be missed, and at a little before a quarter to eight three four-wheelers conveying the ex t Pleni- a were making their way up Piccadilly to their coveted ion. In the course of the same afternoon the Princess had prepared for their advent. She had sent for her Major Domo. ‘‘I have a little “ We shall be eighteen.” Then she dered at. Regarded | , him, thought that he must somehow have been taking too much wine, and elected to hold his tongue. He struggled against the feeling for a short time. Then he suceum In like manner, in a few more minutes, so did all the rest. And it was not to be won- They had had bromide of potassium in the Potage a la Maintenon, and had just partaken of a Salade a la Russe mixed with chloral hydrate. This had finished them. They had all of them sunk back into their chairs, overcome by a profound narcotic slumber. Then the Princess. rose. She approached the wall, and Instantly a panel slid back, disclosing a ** Entrez, Monsieur 0 Ambassadeur,” she said, addressing some one within. ‘‘ Voyons! Ces Messieurs are ready to receive you.” She had searcely spoken when a tall personage, wearing ao fez, crossed the threshold. This was the Turkish Ambassador, and he was followed by twelve Secretaries of the Legation. “*You are sure, Madame, they will not wake?’ he asked, cau- tiously surveying the prostrate forms before him. The Princess replied by striking a loud dinner-gong. Not one of the sleepers stirred. The Ambassador was satisfied. ‘*To your work, Messieurs,” he said, ing his subordinates. In another minute the pockets of all the unconscious Plenipotentiaries had been rifled of their contents which were being rapidly but methodi- cally transcribed by the practised Secretaries. e task did not take long. It was over in four hours and three- quarters. The papers were returned to the pockets of the different inisters from which they had been respectively abstracted. Their coats were carefully rebuttoned. Then the Turkish Ambassador withdrew. That night he telegraphed to Constantinople in cypher. - A little later, eighteen cabs in charge of eighteen policemen were conveying the now recovering Ministers to their reqpectire homes. That which contained the Baron, now partially aroused, had drawn up at his own door. As he descended, though still dazed, he seemed to notice the Policeman’s uniform. , ““Why! what does this mean?” he asked, trfing to collect his scattered thoughts. ‘‘ Where have I come from ?” The Policeman smiled. The Baron stared inquiringly at the smiler, then staggered feebly up the steps, entered the house, and went to bed : The next morning the Marquis and the Baron received a telegraphic despatch from the British Minister at Sepeatnerss. informing them that the Sultan proposed an immediate seizure of Egypt. ‘‘That’s odd,” they remarked, thoughtfully. But they never nnected the circumstance with the Princess Papoffschin's Little Dinner. . Poetry and Partridges. ‘‘ Frest Love never lasts,” says some stupid old song ; It simply dies out like an ill-lighted ember. The Poet—as usual—is utterly wrong— Just look at Man’s love for the First of September! Fickle Romeos may shift in their amorous troubles But “ First Love” is stable enough—in the Stubbles! Betsy THE Seconp.—At Hammersmith, the other day, one Exiza- BETH TUDOR was sentenced by Mr. Pacet to two months’ imprison- ment for stealing a sovereign. ExizapeTu Tupor the First antici- pated the crime in the matter of Mary Srvart. Three hundred years ago it was a case of stealing a sovereign—with an axe! History this evening,” she said. added, significantly, “*T am expecting diplomatists.” repeats itself. VOL. XCY. L

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [SepremBer 8, 1888,

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“The Children of Isracl multiplied so as to excite the jealous fears of the Egyptians... . They were therefore organised into gangs under task- masters, as we see in the vivid pictures of the monuments, to work upon the public edifices. ‘And the Egyptians made the Children of Israel to serve And they made their lives bitter with hard bondage in mortar and in brick, and in all manner of service in the field.’ ’°—Smith’s Ancient History. “The Sweater is probably a Jew, and, if so, he has the gift of organisation, and an extraordinary power of subordinating everything humanity, it may be, inclnded—to the great end of getting on. . . . The conditions of life in East London ruin the Christian labourer, and leave the Jewish labourer unharmed.””—* Spectator” on “ Sweaters and Jews.” The screed of the Shade of the Poet Pextaovn, to Purcutus that came, ° ° . ° . Even Pewtaour Bard unto PHARaon, the singer whose song was as Tue form was the form of the Parson, as WILKiNson shows him d flame; — he stood, — pil of mild AweweMan, he painted the lot of the poor (door. The pose was exceedingly proud, the perspective, perchance, was not The In the Sar distant days of Rameses, who shut on sweet Mercy the good, — with rigour.

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SertemBer 8, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a pF Pa Aff Y > if), “MY yp) Si hf JI Vif, Vf Y/ / os 4 CIRCUMLOCUTORY. The Parson (who likes to question the Boys, now and then, in a little Elementary Science), ‘‘ Now, CAN ANY OF YOU TELL ME——CoME q , , y ’ ’ I’LL ask you, Donovan,—Wuart 1s SALT?” Trish NASTY 'V YE DON’T ATE 'T WITH 'T!” Boy. ‘‘Iv y’ pLaze, Srz,—rr ’s—iT ’s"”—(afler a desperate mental effort)—‘‘ IT's THE STUFF THAT—MAKES A P’TAYTOR VERY And ey in the face of the Hebrew, the changeless, the oily, the fat, Whether crowned with the cap of the Copt, or the Saxon’s cylindrical rat. He stood, and he stared, and he spake: ‘0! thou Oleaginous One, Whose tresses so reek of the oil-pot, whose finger-rings flash in the sun, I, Paaraon the Pyramid-builder, the slayer of Hittites, the King Whom Penraour magnified greatly—my Laureate knew how to sing ;— I, mighty one named by Manerno, right well to Heroporvs known, I, a ured in wall-paintings many, and chiselled on acres of stone, , 1 was the scourge of the Semites, the Hyksos, the Hebrews, my foes, [nose. The swart-bearded sons of the shepherds, the slaves of the aquiline Behold on this rock you perceive them, my heel on their neck, and my scourge furge On the hides of them ; look at the sticks of my taskmasters, eager to ‘he staggering slaves to their toil in their agonised thousands, so loth, Yet helpless as rogues before Ra, or as fools in the presence of THoru. I made them shape bricks without straw, and the mouths of them | _ -seantily fed With aaiaes, onions, and garlic, with scraps of affliction’s black read, | Read the ideographical Coptic around them in characters hewn, | | And you ’!l see that their life was a curse, that the coming of death | was a boon. [flail, | When I rose in my might like to Menrv, and lifted like Honus the | Then the heart of the Hebrew would melt, and the cheek of the Hebrew would pale ; (sound, | And now——” Then a chuckle forth crackled, a nasal but jubilant | And a whiff of tobacco and patchouli mingled was wafted around. A hat took a knowinger rake, and there brake on the sight of the King | The wave of an adipose hand, and the flash of a glittering ring. A sound ’twixt a creak and a snufile from lips like an Ethiop’s dropt— All —_ the calm smile of the King, all unlike the clear tone of the Jopt— ‘*Ha! ha! Mr. Pyramid-builder, at present you’re out of the hunt. Yes, you once gave the Semite the stick, but the Semite now gives you the shunt; Ask Tewrtk, or good Mr. Goscwen ! dashed name— Sesosrris, Rameses, or what not,—a change has come over the game. Your ‘name is a noise’ and no more, Yes, the Gentile once ‘ sweated’ the Jew, {that’s true. But the Hebrew has now turned the tables; Dunraven will tell you You worked us, and whipped us, and starved us; you robbed us of shekels and joy ; {old boy But now it’s our turn, and we’ve bettered your ancient instruction, Look here!——” Then there shaped through the shadows a sordid and sorrowful scene— There were men pinched, and pallid, and bowed, there were women | dishevelled and lean ;, was fierce, And the stress of their toiling was harsh, and the strain of their torture And the splendour of day might not pass, and the sunlight of hope might not pierce Old Curors, if that’s your | Through the darkness and damp of the den where they crouched to | the Sweater’s stern nod, — é As PHaraon’s own scourge without pity, and harsh as his task- | master’s rod. ; The thong-marshalled gang of the sand-wastes were hardly so servile | as these, So helplessly vassals to Mammon —so hopeless of health or of ease. ‘* That cuts the Copt record, I reckon ; makes Mammydom sing rather | small. {church wall How would that look in paint on a temple, or a *y on a ruined Three thousand years hence, Mr. Puanaon?” » sniggered the | Hebrew, and shook The soul-sweated gold in his pocket. And lo! an unspeakable look Was seen on the face of the Puarnaon. And I, Poet Penraoun, I saw That the cycles of time bring no change to the merciless Mammonite maw.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ———— [Sepremper 8, 1888, | | I sang the Rameseid, I, when Orontes beheld the great King Wield the sword unresisted of Ra; but I also betook me to sing The pitiful life of the peasant, the prey of the locusts and rats And men-vermin more merciless yet who took tithe of his barns and his vats. asleep | And, behold, though the Sun-God is silent, the Son of the Sun-God | Still merciless Mammon is master, the slavesof the Gold-God still weep ; | Be his ministers Hebrew or Gentile, his worship is cruelty still ; | Still the worker must sweat "neath the scourge that the stores of the tyrant may fill. DUE NORTH. (Some Notes of a very brief Holiday.) Question — Answer — Reasoning — Decision —Indecision —A Depar- ture—Arrival—Invritation— Uncertainty— Certainty. Hopson, with curly fair hair, florid face, and earnest manner, looks in to ask me if I am going away for ten days’ change. ‘‘ No, | | | of going away for a holiday?” lam not,” lanswer. It occurs to me, however, that the tone of my reply, though resulting from a fixed pre - determi- nation, may sound some- what brusque to my old and valued friend, and so I repeat, in a more sociable manner, ‘‘ No. I am _ not,” adding a question, also pleasantly, and with an ence, has in it just sufficient spice of fnendliness to prevent my manner towards my dear old friend Hon- are you thinking “* How are you son from being entirely unsympathetic—‘‘ Why ? es; Hosson is thinking of it. thought of it that he is now sending a letter to order a berth in one of the London and Edinburgh steamers. ‘‘ Will I join him?” To | do or to attempt doing something I have never yet done, has for me I have never been from London to Edinburgh A minute ago my determination not to take a holiday a certain fascination. by steamer. was inflexible ; now it is flexible. My iron will—or my iron “ won't ” | is bent, not broken. ** Not a bad idea,” I remark to Hopson. He replies that he prefers this way of going North to any other. Happy Thought.—“ Sremers choice.” I do not say this aloud to my old and valued friend, because it is just possible that, his name being ‘* Honson,” it may have been said to him before. ‘* Yes,” he repeats, after some silent consideration of the subject, ; . certainly prefer going by steamer to any other way of getting to | thought ‘ Well, but how many other ways are there?” I ask, as, should he be able to mention a greater novelty, I should be inclined to adopt the suggestion, ‘I mean,” he returns, “‘ that it’s better than going by train.” I Putting aside walking, driving, riding, bicycling, tricy ling, and ballooning, the alternative is “ training ” or steamering. ‘Excellent for health!” says Honson, who studied medicine years ago in Edinburgh, and, in consequence, has always been con- sulted by his intimate friends, in an amateur way, ever since. * Twenty-six hours of sea first-rate,” he adds, expanding his chest, sniffing and smacking his lips as if at this moment he were actually | inhaling the seabreeze and relishing it. | | | **I’m such a bad sailor,” I observe, hesitatingly. “If I go, I’m sure to be ill,—at least,” I add, with a reminiscence of a few sur- prising exceptions to the rule, ‘* it’s almost a certainty.” “Do you a world of good,” says Hossow, with an air of scientific conviction. “More good if you’re ill than if you’re well. I’m air of ompe- rent indiffer- | which | As a matter of fact, he has so far | going alone ; only too glad of a companion. Look here, I’ll alter one berth into two berths in my letter.” And before I have time | to make any further objection he has ordered the second berth, drawn a cheque for prepayment, stamped and closed the envelope, vanished for a sseaal or so as far as the pillar-box, where I se him dropping it in, and at the last moment cannot find it in my heart om voice heart and yoice,” quotation from National Anthem) to call out to him from my window, ‘‘ No, I won’t come!” So, my will, or won’t, being temporarily paralysed, and he having sent the cheque for two, I make no further objection, but begin considering what I can do when I once get to Edinbro’. ' Happy Thought.—lf | am ill on board, as he has studied medicine in Edinbro’, he may be able to give me something that'll put me right in an instant. If he possesses the secret, by the way, he ought to make a rapid and colossal fortune out of it. This recalls to my mind a book of travels entitled The Earl and the Doctor. They went together everywhere. The Earl with guns and fishing-rods, and the Doctor with medicine-chest. Capital idea for both of them. Excel- lent for Earl when ill, equally so for Doctor when they returned. Such combinations might be more frequent. The Captain and the Lawyer, The Musician and the Sailor, &c., &c. ; perha s the best of all would be Zhe Duke and Two Doctors, one being M.D., and the other D.D. Where’s Hosson going? ‘‘ Well,” he explains, ‘I’m going to pay two or three visits to friends.” Ah, then we part at Edinbro’’ ’ Yes, we do,” And here he leaves me—as he will in Scotland—being What shall I do alone in Scotland? ‘‘Alone in Scotland,” sounds dreary. Of course, the rule is, ‘‘ When in Scotland, do as Scotchmen do.” What’s that? It is, I believe, summed up in ‘‘ bock agen” —which to the experienced Continental traveller is suggestive of asking for another glass of light creaming beer. ‘‘ Bock agen” with me would mean ‘ Back again to London.’ Bock agen, Wuirrrveton!” But why go all the way to Edinbro’ by steamer, merely to come bock agen?” rae | I am beginning to be alriost angry with my old and valued friend | Hopsoy, in his absence, for leading me into this trap,—a trap to catch a companion,—and I am about to sit down in my sanctum, where my books and papers seem to beseech me to remain, and write to Hoxnson a retractation of my decision, when I hear a tremendous shout in the passage. ** Woo-Hoop !” | This is followed by a voice whose tone indicates unusual strength | of lung, exclaiming, as if the inquiry were urgent and anxious, | ‘** How are you?” | The door is burst open, and, as if impelled by a mighty wind, | there appears before me a big man, youngish, beaming with health | and high spirits, dressed in a country suit. ‘* How are you?” he repeats boisterously, and then once more, **Old chap, how are you?” In another second he has grasped my hand warmly, and I am delighted to see him. | “Hullo!” I ery out, for his tone is catching, ‘‘ why what brings you here?” ‘“‘Cab, my boy!” he shouts, heartily, he generally shouts, unless he sings, but whatever it is it is done with tremendous and overpowering | heartiness,—even his whispers are hearty. ‘‘ Just on my way to see the Wicked Uncle and Good Aunt. Passing through London— here he lowers his tone, laughs, and bursts into a snatch of a song- ** Off we go to London Town, Yeo ho! my boys! | See the King in his golden crown, Yeo ho! my boys!” and then he laughs in perfect enjoyment of the appro yriateness of the quotation and continues hurriedly, ‘‘ I thought Id call in” (call in, he means, call out), ‘and say,” here he raises his tone again, ‘‘ How are your As nobody ever speaks of him, or to him, but as ‘‘ D. B.,”’ it is not always easy on the spur of the moment to call to mind what his name really is. When asked, I have to think for some seconds, and, generally failing to remember, I have to answer, apologetically, ‘Well, really, 1 forget what his name is at this moment, but we always call him ‘ D. B.’” J His real name is Davie Barrp, and he is in a general way “in the City’ with a partner. Now he is on a holiday, without a partner. Going North. I tell him that I also am thinking of going North. ° ‘* Don’t think,” he says at once, and just as loudly as ever ; “don't think—do it. Come to Jonnnre Bupp’s. I’m going there now First-rate fellow! Capital chap! I’ll tell him you’re coming. You know Jonwnnre, don’t you?” ae It never occurred to D. B. to ask me this last question before mvi- | ting me to Mr. Bupp’s. ; I reply deliberately, ‘‘ Yes—I know him; but not sufficiently well to go to his house without an invitation.” , Nonsense!” he exclaims, quite annoyed with me for making such an objection. Then he bursts into a popular refrain— very busy. “ And ‘Om “ B — you - “and would to is bus | has h | than adds, “y | say | up fee | that I | Will | ness,’ Good- disap Fat Boat JoHN to tak was and He 1 strar don’: L. of prov Ha enou dc ne Poi

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—_—_—_ ou”’—he has a way of alluding to himself person and that’s sufficient.” Then he says, in am injured tone, “I wouldn’t say so if it wasn’t, would I?” To thisappeal | am bound to reply _*7 S29 I am sure Me tating des, “ Very we en. tening up ** Business is business. Ill tell him di y I arrive. Besides,” and here he has hit upon so powerful an argument that he must shout louder than ever, ‘‘he did ask you—at dinner, two months ago—and,”’ he adds, reproachfully, “* you said you co ’t come.” “Yes,”"—I admit the fact, and feel now that IT ought to have acce’ ted—* but it won’t do to——” I ¥ “Yes, it will,” he interrupts. “Tghall be up there to-morrow. How are you ? We'll have larks. When do you start Pr” | “ At the end of the week, I bélieve,” Ireply, not being quite certain. | ‘Good enough.” And once more he , as if to relieve his pent- | up feelings, ‘‘ Howare you? Howare you getting on ?”’—a question then goes on, ’m off “ that he puts about every five minu 4 Will wire—you ‘Il come u ing, ing, pes, ‘ good busi- ness,’—go as you please—I’ll answer for : ing yourself— Good-bye!—How are you?” he shouts for the time, as he disappears down the staircase three steps at a time. Fate, Hossow, and D. B.’s wire next day, decide the matter. joat with Hopson to Edinburgh, and then on to D. B.’s uncle, Jouxx1e Bupp, at Loch Glennie. “And I had fixedly determined not to take any holiday at all this year! VOCES POPULI. PARLIAMENTARY. On THE PLATFORM. A Lady of Family. Oh, yes, I do travel third-class sometimes, my dear. I consider it a duty to try t know something of the lower orders, [ Looks out for an empty third-class compartment. En Rovre. The seats are now all oceupied: the Lady of Family ts i one corner, next to a Chatty Womanwith abasket, andopposite to an Eccentric- looking Man with a flighty manner. The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family). Sorry to disturb you, Mum, but you’re a-setting on one o’ my ’am sandwiches. The L. of F. 2? 2? 111 The E. M. (considerately). Don’t trouble yourself, Mum, it’s of no intrinsie value. Ion’y putit there to keep my seat. _ The Chatty W. (to the L. of F.) 1 think I’ve seen you about a ca ae I not ? The L. of F. Tt is ve ible. I have been staying with some friends in the neighboarionl- — The C. W. It’s a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach ; but (confi- dentially) don’t you think it’s a very sing’ler thing that in a place like that—a fash’nable place, too—there shouldn’t be a single ’am an’ beef shop ? The L. CF. (making a desperate effort to throw herself into the question). What a very extraordinary thing to be sure. Dear, dear me! No ham and beef shop! The C. W. It’s so indeed, Mum ; and what’s more, as I daresay you've noticed for yourself, if you ’appen to want a snack o’ fried fish ever so, there isn’t a p you could go to—leastways, at a moment ’s notice. Now, ’ow do you explain such a thing as that ? The L. of F. ( a I’m id I can’t suggest any explanation. A Sententious Man. Fried fish is very sustaining. ‘or remaind. BY of journey. was kids, my and we ’ad ‘em boiled, and they’d last us 8. (Sents ly. He was a kind man, my father (to the L. F., who bows con iresnediy), though you wouldn’t ha’ thought it, to look at him. m't say, L. of F. looks oud of window)—like the best of us. I’m goin’ up to prove his will now, I am—if you don’t believe me,’ere’s the svehate. (Hands that document round for i ion.) one with it— there—that’s my name. (The L. of F, peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she can herself to assume The Eccentric Man. D’ there ? That's the County SepTeMBER 8, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 113 “ * He’s all right when you know him, | shut up. I went to see her last week, I did. (Relates his visit in But you te got to know him fust. detail to The L. of F., who listens unwillingly.) os wonderful how “ And you’ll soon do that,” he on. ‘He’s an uncle of mine, | Many of our ym | have been in that asylum from first to last. | ‘0 my prophetic soul!’ ite" be delighted,” ad a aunt who died cracky; and my old mother, she’s very peculiar ‘* Bat,” I protest, ‘* he asked me.”’ at times. There ’s days when I feel as if I was a little orf my own “No matter,” returns D.B. “‘ J ask yo little Davie asks | ed, so if I say anything at all out of the way, you ’ll know what it is. i the third — L. of F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage are two Men of sea-faring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from his Fiancée as the L. of F. takes her seat. The Fiancé. Excuse me one moment, Ma’am. (Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window.) Well, goodbye, my girl; take care of yourself. he Fiancée (with a hysterval giggle). Oh, 1’1) take care o’ my self. : d ks at the roof of the carriage. He (with meaning). No more pickled onions, eh ? She. What a one you are to remember things! Give my love to Jor. He. Allright. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (¢hey embrace loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of mingled sentiment and complacency). Oh, (to L. of F.) if you don't mind my stepping across you again, Mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between this and Friday, just tell him as—— [Prolonged whispers ; sounds of renewed kisses ; final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fiancé upon the L. of F.’s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar ignificance is em the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat, His companion ——- with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black le from the rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fiancé, The F. Thankee, I don’t mind if Ido. Here’ s wishing you [ Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug ; about to hand back bottle when the first Beafarer intimates that he is to pass it on. The L. of F. recoils in horror. Both Seafarers (reassuringly). It’s wine, Mum! (Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third- class humanity hasits drawbacks, (After a pause.) MALA FIDE TRAVELLERS IN WALES. Welsh Justice, Chairman of Quarter Sessions, and likewise of Local Bench (to Publicans in attendance), Now mind, all you pablicans, and innkeepers, and hosts, » and tapsters, have a care how you serve anyone whomsoever with wines and and porters, and ales, and swipeses, and metheglins, and spiritu- ous or fermented liquors, on any pre- tences or occasions, at any times on Sundays. You are not permitted, or — or ae - authorised to supply wi vers, look you, simply ee they have come eas miles to get them. In my opinions, and j ents, sentences, that is no sufficient journeys to make them bond ¥ you take notice that, as far as I am concerned fore me, I shall look, and see, and inquire, and ordinary means, and Taking a Draught. fide travellers. I pra if any charges comes determine whether publicans interrogatives, and questions, to discover if persons were bond fide travellers in truth, look you now. A bond fide traveller is one who is travelling for purposes, and objects, and necessities. For instance, have tried a bond fide traveller w be a man travelling to get work, but not one who came a certain distance to beer. As an example of a frivolous, and trumpery. and make-believe excuse for tippling and toping, I know a case in which a man had the cheek, and the 2 te aes into The Eccentric Man. Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we father ud bring us home two rth o’ ches’nuts, | )| for no better causes and reasons I mind yer, that he wasn’t fond of his bit 0’ booze—(the | that makes them | inspect That’s all lar | provided for restraints of their appetites and offences. So now go enough, I’ope. (To the L. of F.) Don’t give it back before me ’ve| your ways, I’m in no ‘urry, and there’s good reading in it. | that none Points out certain favourite passages with a very dirty forefinger.) | tra le y see that big ’andsome building over | British tourists to think Tai Asylum—where my poor wife is| holidays to an excursion in effrontery, and the brass, to say that he had walked all round the eoveauiin stone. Don’t tell me of constitutional walks, and exer- cises, and thirsts, and needs of refreshments. Let me warn you, and admonish you, and exhort you to sell no one a glass of beer than being tired and exhausted with a Sabbath-day’s journey, whether short or long. "Tis no matter for their fatigues, w and , and droughts call for it, because, look you, they want it, and inati demands it, and their exhaustions their desires and inclinations and craves for it against the laws and statutes in such cases shentlemens, and get you about your businesses, and see of you be brought before me for selling drink to my veller, howsoever faint, and foot-sore, and thirsty, on a Wels Sabbath, forasmuch as, look you, I would beseech you, and intreat ou, command you, and, moreover, compel you to make it a dry un [The remarks of this wise te may ps 0ceasion twice and three times before devoting their ** gallant little Wales,”’}

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—_ i es 114 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. ————__ [Serremper 8, 1888, WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE INTENSELY PATRIOTIC ONE) HAS TO PUT UP WITH! Just as he is pointing out to Monsieur Anatole Duclos, the Parisian Journalist, how infinitely the English type of female beauty (especially amongst our Aristocracy) transcends that of France, or any other Nation,—who should come up from the beach but Lady Lucretia Longstaf, and her five unmarried daughters / ‘'____AwDp AS FOR THOSE IDIOTIC OLD Frencn Caricatures or Las ANGLAISES, WITH LONG GAUNT FACES, AND LONG PROTRUDING TEETH, AND LONG FLAT Feet—wnay, Goop Heavens! my pEAR Ducios, THE TYPE DOESN'T EVEN EXIST!” THE CUT DIRECT; OR, OTHER FISH TO FRY. On yes, I’m aware I seemed sweet on you once, But ‘twas only a penchant, a ing caprice. Lose the world *‘ All for Love” ? Nay, I’m not such a dunce, And—at least for a time—my attentions must cease. You 're ** quite English, you know,” my dear. Need I explain Why that sort of thing won’t do at present? Ask Brarve! True, I did introduce you a few months ago To Cotumpra.* Politeness, my dear, half pretence ! I found—didn’t you ’—it was really no go. And although at that time I could ‘‘ sit on the fence,” That rail it’s no longer quite safe so to ride ; I must seem to get ya dear,—and not on your side. Tut! tut! Broken vows, and all that sort of thing ? That’s a most extreme view, now, to take of the case. I just took you under my fatherly wing, Made you known, and, I think, with a good deal of But bound to you? Nay, my dear child, that’s absurd. If you talk about bonds, I am off like a bird.! Miss Prorecrion may not be so pretty, or young, I do not pretend on her person to dote ; But she claims, well, I won't say my heart, but my tongue, And I want to win, not her love, but her vote. Needs must when—Democracy drives, don’t you know, And one can't quite afford to be careless of dot. Come, come! don’t be angry! A fellow, I’m sure, _ May philander a little with no bad intent. You know what’s at stake, what I want to secure ; Our friendship was real, as far as it went ; That friendship one day we perhaps may renew, But do stand aside for the present, now do / ce, Your little friend Canapa? Well, I dare say She’s a tiny bit tiffed; thinks we ’ve treated her ill. All that will come right, I’ve no doubt, dear, some day ; But indeed at this moment I don’t want a spill, And if I smile on her just now I’ll go down. So, for politic reasons I put on a frown. Hush! The other one’s eye is upon us. Eh, what? Claim acquaintance ? Intrusive, I really must say! Give my arm, at this moment too? Certainly not! Don’t know you, don’t know you !—at least, not to-day. Be off, and don’t worry me! (Aside.) There now, don’t cry ; Can’t you see that I’ve quite other fish now to fry ? “CAVE CANEM!” It is stated that two dogs belonging to a Deputy named LaGuERRE “‘the henchman of General Bovutanerr,” have whenever M. Ferry’s name is mentioned. to waste time, and demoralise such decent animals as dogs ’ mn taught to howl | It is really a pity thus M. Laeuerre would find it simpler to retain certain of the two- | legged curs of Creed and puppies of Party, who may be safely | trusted, and that without being taught, to yelp hideously whenever | a particular Statesman’s name is uttered in their hearing. Could any honest dog ‘‘ drop into poetry,” he would, doubtless, deliver | Dr. Watrs’s familiar lyric in some such inverted fashion as follows:— “ Let scribes delight to snap and bite, | “ But, doggies, you should never let For ’tis their nature to ; Your purchased yelpings rise ; Let petty scribblers spit their spite, Your honest mouths were never mean For Party makes them so. To howl out Party cries!” ‘A Rare Op Prant.”—There is much talk in Vienna of 4 r ell, the Abrus peregrinus, or ‘‘ Paternoster Pea,” may possess all ‘ t/ so-called ‘‘ Weather Plant,” which is said to possess the property ot | qorgpedionting all atmospheric changes three days in advance. the powers claimed for it. But, Mr. Punch’s opinion is, that the real | ** Weather-plant” this year at least—is the Weather itself! | — * See Cartoon, “ Quite English, you know,” December 17, 1887.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Serremper 8, 1888. THE CUT DIRECT. Presipent Crevetand. “DON’T KNOW YA! (Aside.) AT ANY RATE, FOR THE PRESENT!

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| SepremBer 8, 1888.] | | | comparatively insignificant

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 117

jj

te) if

— a= — a aife 7 PORTRAIT OF THE GENTLEMAN WHO DRAWS UP THE METEOROLOGICAL REPORTS. ** ANOTHER DEPRESSION IS COMING |” [Just as he was about to take his Holiday too!

ACROSS THE WATER. (With the Lord Mayor.) WELL, it is all over now, but it has been a wonderful success. Dendermond, i Flemish town though it is, has certainly known how to emphasise the glorious fact that it has given from its sons a Lord Mayor to the City of London. Such a Procession! There were ‘‘ mediw#val” trumpeters and drummers, young persons with banners, in classical costume; ‘‘Commerce” represented by a steamboat full of ladies accompanied by sailors of all countries, and followed up by effigies of “‘ Painting,” ‘‘ Industry,” “‘ Music,” and ‘* Science,” together with a group showing Roprecut VII., Van Bernoune, Lord of Dender- mond, presenting to the town a charter, dated 1333. This last personage sy he y | think, owing to the fact that he was attired in chain armour, frequently taken | the crowd for the Lorp Mayor himself, and vociferously chee | | |

| Guards in person, or sat down ever | the Crystal Palace with a thousan in consequence. I found the towns le, however, rather vague as to their estimate of our Chief Magistrate ’s position and privile es, and had to be continually explaining to them in indifferent Flemish that when at home he neither shared the Wool- sack with the Lory CHanceLior in the House of Lords, commanded the Life i night of his life to a grand banquet at Pcp. 4 members of the British Nobility. appeared to detract from the exalted estimate ignity, and when the effigy of London came upon ” Nothing though that I could sa they had formed of his general the scene, surrounded by allegorical figures of ‘‘ Foresight,” ‘‘ Constancy, . Vigilance,” ‘ Civie Virtues,” *‘ Dancing,” ‘‘ Deportment,” *‘ Athletics,” and Stenograph »’ the enthusiasm of the spectators knew no bounds, and they fairly colek themselves hoarse. Then came music and fireworks, and later, several groups who had been dining, congregated round me, and insisting that I must be the Lonp Mayor, began to cheer me disagreeably. I, however, remon- strated in dumb show, and pointing to a window in the Town Hall where the Burgomaster could be seen at that very moment for the tenth time in the act of embracing the portly and smiling form of Mr. Potypore pe Keyser himself, suce in diverting their attention. The next day the Lo trophies. He made a short halt at Ghent and Bruxelles, place being chiefly remarkable for a thoroughly racy comic after- speech made on the occasion by Mr. iff Davies. t the whole party after a capital outing has arrived quite safe and sound in town again is here recorded with much satisfaction by your careful and observant correspondent, A Crry REMEMBRANCER. is stay at the latter A WORD IN SEASON. “It is the pride of the Hohenzollerns to reign at once over the noblest, the most intellectual, and most cultured of nations.” —The Eupznon WILiiam. War, who speaks here? A Kaiser and Commander, Or some mob-flattering, ic pander ? Droll doubling of two parts, pompous ruler, And glosing hyperbolic people-fooler ! How martial souls—like WoLseELey—who deride - ent on Ge paytar si s * ao isaic,”’—Heaven knows what— Philanthropy, with other kinds of ‘‘ rot” With the fine swagger of the soldier classing, — Must shudder at the ’s “* vassing”’ ! f oblige wy Wruum! Might Like yours and OLSELEY’S, aim at he goals Than Cron and the Sausage-seller, surely. Flatter the crowd? Is the crown so securely Poised on the head of power to-da That Kaisers can with phrases play, Without the risk of ing on Autocracy The ‘‘ torrent of emocracy ” Which scares our ina fashion That moves him to quite incoherent ion ? Take thought, my Teuton Chief, and, above all, Take counsel with our ‘* Only General.” He is not, like your Morrxg, taciturn ; - o<_ ha so breathe and words that burn, 8 prettily as an person Who martial ne 4 ever turned a verse on; (The poet’s highest function which redeems Bard songs from being merely baby-dreams.) He reckons up historic heroes lightly — I hope, Lord Hevr, you’ve read the last Fortnightly — Appraises MARLBoROVGH, and NapoLeon, , vicks some little holes in WELLINGTON. You ‘ll hardly, Kaiser-King, obtain an article Of this particular sort, without a particle Of shrinking modesty, from the old chief Whose age in touching terms asks late relief From the long strain of splendid service. No, Your Silent Hero is not fashioned so. His brief pathetic letter, the appeal Of time-worn strength to drop the martial steel, That script historic and your kind reply Beseem you both, Lord Herr, right royally. But even Moirke’s silent tongue might wag, Mildly against the too thrasonic brag, Of such an untried Cesar, whose huge hosts

A Suavine Cravse.—Those intelligent and amusing personages, the Commissioners in Lunacy, in their forty- second Report to the Lonp CHANCELLOR (d propos of a possibly preventible suicide at Bethlehem Hospital) ‘* while acknowledging the difficulty of entirely doing away with razors in asylums,” advised that they should be a y i |

gD Mayor started on his return journey, smothered in |

under a double lock, They added to this extreme | sensible proposal the interesting information that, “as a still safer plan,” they ‘‘had recommended the daily ser- | vices of a barber aceustomed to lunatics,” It would be interesting, however, to learn how such a person could obtain his necessary qualification. The first attempt to |shave a raving m is rather suggestive of the last | chapter but one of a “ rpuen I mpewes ”; and although people who eschew beards possi ly may not be considered entirely in their right minds, their perro 3 L at the most, partakes rather of the characteristics of harmless idiotey than of the more violent forms of acute mania. |

Literal. Part may be a lazy and law-breaking sinner, With cudgels and Plans of Campaign be too free ; | But at least he’d have ra more chanee of a dinner, Were it not for the curse of the absentee (absent tea.)

Lrrerary Drer.—‘' Much ing, like much eating, ’ said Sir Turopore Marti, in the lien Town Hall, quoting an old writer, ‘‘is wholly useless without diges- tion.” True en j food for the mind is indigestible if too tough. Indulgence in modern French literature of the baser sort is very apt to create indigestion attended with nausea.

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| it, as | 118 ___ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serremper 8, 1888, A , 4 y f - 4 GOOD ADVICE—-TAKEN IN A PROPER SPIRIT. Fond but Impecunious Uncle (to Middy). “‘ AND REMEMBER, JACK, MICAI Don'T RUN INTO DEBT “AND, WHATEVER YOU DO, NAVER Jews/” Jack, *‘No, Uscte—I’'LL ALWAYs coms ro You!” | BALLADS OF TO-DAY. THE OLD TELEPHONE, By Milton Featherly Ionsone.) It stands as of yore in the dear dark corner ¥ But the dust has gather’d, the voice has flown . There, like a little forlorn Jack Horner, It lingers, unlook’d-for, the old Telephone. The blinds in the office hang yellow oa slanting, The sun strikes mottled athwart the pane, And ever a low lone voice is chanting, From days evanish’d, an old refrain: Ring, ring-a-ring! Are you there? Who are you’? What do you want ? Ring-a-ring! Are you there’ Answer, O love! While I rest for a bar, you Murmur your numbers, my fair, my fair ! | Ring, ring-a-ring! Like the joy-bells chiming ; | Whirr! Like a coffee-mill talking alone ; Silence! Like poets who sleep at their rhyming ; An answer odin than cushat’s moan. Yes, for a voice on the desert of business Fell like the dew, though the face was unknown. And ever my brain with delirious dizziness’ Reels when I think of the old Telephone. Ah, but the world whirls wearily round me,' And I with the weary world am whirl’d ; Should it suddenly stop, it could scarce confound me, If, some bright morning, the angels found me Recklessly round the lamp-posts curl’d. But, in garden old, or in window’d minster, From chordless organ, or frozen bird, From bachelor bold or blushing spinster, Such soul-sweet music was never heard. In love's bright play-bill I largely star you; I hear you ever, my unseen fair ; Ring, ring-a-ring! Are you there? Who are you? And Echo sobs—There 1s no one there! BE ECONO-| Cvz-rIovs.—A Billiard-player’s prosperity seems very Go To THE| paradoxical. The more ‘“‘ hazard” there is about it, the more certain it is, and it is largely made by breaks. ee, ROBERT’S EXCURSION. I nap what I calls a reel treat the other day, and as I don’t have im seems to do, about wunce a week, but jest about as seldom as possibel, I did jest injoy it. I was orderd down to Rumford, of all places in this mortal world, to wait on a party of City swells at the principle Otel there, called, I think, the Golden Carf, or sum sitch name, and as I was there in good time afore they started on their desperate hard work of surweying all the principle mountains of Hessex, and as there wasn’t not noboddy hinside the bootiful dra and its four hosses, the nice good-looking Chairman acshally arsk me tojump in! Witch I need ardly say as I did, like a bird. Well, off we set, and may I never be beleeved, if the Landlord of the Otel, where the gents was a going for to dine after their ard day’s work, didn’t git on the box and drive all the fore hosses, and werry well he did it too, and didn’t upset us not wunce. And to make the whole set-out quite compleat, we took a trumpitter with us with about the werry longest trumpit as I ever seed or ewen but he didn’t. the Essex walleys as if they thort nothink of ’em. think, a bit of a wag, tried to perswade me as the Nobbleham’s name was Perer, but I wasn’t quite so green as to bleeve that. It wasn’t a werry cumferal looking house as was in the Park, for cumferal looking I never seed. I think, praps, if they’d both ha’ bin mine, I should ha’ gone in for Harrystockracy. There was a good many solgers and peeple about warious parts of our ride, and wenever we druv throug’ em, I jest raised my at and made my werry best bow—witch I’m told is werry heerd on, and wenever we cum near an house or an hoss, he blowed | away to that xtent that I werrily thort as he must ha’ bust hisself, | are We had a most Iuvly ride on a most luvly day, our| were, a hanging in the werry room as the City swells was a dining fore bootiful hosses a running up the Essex mountains and down into | in! ; We druv/ seen ’em, but the likeness of the Driver was werry striking. Of threw some Nobbleham’s Park. The young trumpitter, who was, I | coarse jest a leetle bit felattering, but they allers is, or in coarse we the roof was all off, and all the winders was broke, which guv it | rayther a chilly look, but the Mossyleum, as we seed a little further | on, quite made up for it, for anythink more nicer, or warmer, or | much like a serten Royal Prince’s—at which they was hevidently | much pleased, for they all larfed quite haffably. I wunder who they took me for, in my sollitury onal. drest, as of coarse I was, in full heavening costoom. Well, wen we got back, the Chairman, thinking praps as he had better go on as he had begun in the staggering line, acshally arsked the driving Landlord to dine with ’em, and, follering my nobel xample, he didn’t want not no pressing, but down he sat. And if he didn’t earn his capital dinner by the way in which he emused all the City swells, noboddy never did. Of coarse I was too much oceypied by my purfeshnal dooties to hear werry much, but wot little I did hear ony made me long for more. Just one or 2 anneck- dotes as xampels. He told ’em as he wunse druv a party of 12 on a fore horse Drag all the ways to Liverpool, a matter of 220 mile, jest to see a Race run, and he charged ’em two hundred and fifty pound for poed ard And having gammond ’em as he lost money by the transackshun, they all subskeribed together, like reel Gents as they was, and had a picter painted of the hole concern, Drag, and Hosses, and Gents, and Driver, and all, and guv it to him at a grand dinner at his hone house, and, as he werry propperly said, if any Gent here dowts my word, there’s the werry picter! And there to be sure it I couldn’t say much about the rest of the party, as I’d never shoodn’t buy ’em. . Well, that wasn’t a bad story jest to begin with, but I think he even beat that afterwards, wen he told em that all the hammytoor Coaching swells once guv a grand dinner to all the Purfeshnals, at the Bell Savage on Ludget Hill. His Father, who was a Purfeshnal, wasn’t well enuff to go, so he said to his son, says he, ‘‘ You shall go insted of me, Perer,’’—which was his name,—‘‘ but, wotever you do, don’t get drunk!” Werry wise and frendly adwise, but, sumthink of a change in the wicey wersey style ; but of course there ’s | unfortnetly, offener given than follerd. ’ no acounting for taste, speshally among the werry hiest horder of the| The night came, and they all set down, I think as he said about © | have had, for the Bill came | to fore ginnys a head! Ah, they was sumthink like tam, Om e ort | For about 3 o’Clock in the | in number, and a rare dinner they must was. And what a gloryus Chairman they must have had! to ha’ bin a Sheriff at the werry least.

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Lo mu ? eae bake = er Sn VS ee Go oo SerremBer 8, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 119 OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 14. *. *, f oO if r=. ¢- 3 = aa ee Sek y k - 1 A | aie , Ka ( | Ve ~X WoQe cy | 7% A \ ¥' MN fe \€) \ any. Ree E = be S Rage (Ve a 7 WiwWAZ= \ a haere Se =~ 2/9" = el | ra E , 435" BY Ty \C ot ; a Read LIKA JOKO AT THE SEASIDE. morning he called for the Bill, and when it was guv to him, he jest | but within the sacred walls of the grand old Copperashun, or of an looked at it, and then he said, ‘‘ Gennelmen,” says he, ‘‘ I beg to con- | ancient Livery Company, where they wood be as thorowly apreseated | graterlate you on your nobel work, for the fust amount as catches my | and as thorowly injoyed, as they was by your umbel admirer eye is, Champain, £47! Let us give three cheers for that splendid Pay x KopErt. — ‘ aint so they =. ont om one cheer = And they | n e up ewen then, an ER, to prove to his trustin — ’ : Parient as he a his word, druv the : thet tarted at 6 oClock, Virginia Stock’s View of It. hay-hem, the fust stage, to Rumford, without no accidence. | Is Marriage a Failure? Why, yes, to be sure. Ah, Mr. Perer, Mr. Perer! if you have a few more such scrump- But, oh! abolition won’t furnish a cure, shus stories of the grand old days of yore in that fine-looking hed of Whilst thousands of spinsters in solitude tarry, yours, your proper place is not on the box seat of an ansum Drag, It’s clearly a failure—because men won’t marry.

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[Serremper 8, 1888, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “CLASS” LEGISLATION. Further Correspondence.) Srr,—Look here, the sooner first and second-class travellers dis- appear altogether the better. Nobody wants’em. Take my word for | it, if the big Companies only know what | they are about, they will take pretty sharp to running nothing but third-class trains. The fares should be tidy cheap, say at the | rate of a farthing for five miles. But what would be the upshot ? Why, such a blessed influx of traffic that they would hardly be able to meet it. Talk of dividends, why the prospect ought to make the shareholders’ mouths water, for the big bulk that never travel at all would be on the move like one o'clock, and ev loafer from Seven Dials, and the whole of the Un- employed would be all cutting up North—or anywhere else on the spree with, Yours hopefully, A Warrecnaret Rover. | Stx,—That the first-class traveller is very hardly treated by the Companies there cannot, I think, be amy question. my case. On a recent journey I had positively to share a whole compartment with a fellow passenger, nl this though I had paid my fare and had certainly a right to expect an entire one to myself. As to second and | | third-class carriages, they ought, of course, to be abolished, with a | view to the provision of fitting accommodation for the _— of the | first. One first-class passenger to a compartment would give five to a carriage ; some two ood therefore, could be conveniently pro- vided for in a train, say, of about forty carriages. Ido not know | how this would work, nor do I care how it would affect the share- holders’ question of dividends, for with these matters I do not think the patrons of the line have any concern. But I offer my suggestion with much confidence, and meantime beg to subseribe myself Yours, &c., Nornine t¥F wot EXcivusive. If there is one thing that is clear, it is that the whole system of our railway travelling needs completely revolutionising. Why, I ask, should the passenger who has to pass eight hours on a journey, say to Edinbureh, be cut off from the comforts and conveniences of ordinary life’ It is true that in the Pullman sleeping-car he can have a bed, and make his toilette ; but what, Sir, I ask, is this at the close of the Nineteenth Century ? What are the Companies about in thinking that in providing him with a paltry bed and basin, they have properly discharged their functions? The idea is preposterous. | Suppose he wishes to consult a doctor or even a solicitor en route, why should he not be able to do so?’ He might even wish to take lessons in dancing, or have a tooth extracted. No train ought, therefore, to start that is not accompanied by a duly qualified doctor, dentist, attorney, and dancing-master. There should also be a swimming- bath attached toit. And it should | contain a full and complete reference-library, while drawing-rooms, | dining-rooms, private sitting-rooms, stores, saloons for private theatricals, and an ample gymnasium, should be at the disposition of all the passengers. Nor is this all. Some may like music. For these a brass band should be provided; and, as many passengers may desire some sort of recreation en route, no thoroughly equipped | train should be started unless provided with a troupe of acro ts, | and all the attractive features of a Variety Entertainment. A train made up on such principles could not fail to secure the patronage of | the travelling public; and Directors will be wise in their generation who cheerfully incur the outlay necessary to the instalment of a| service framed on these lines. All the Public ask is, ‘enough for | their money.” That the above, then, would be, on the whole, a move in the right direction, is the opinion of Yours, categorically, TakiNno IT Easy. King ".s Cross. Sik, PLAY-TIME IN LONDON. A publie thoroughfare. Enter a Londoner. He is about to retire sadly when he meets his Country Cousin. Londoner. Dear me, who would have thought of meeting you here ? Country Cousin. Why not? The rain has spoilt the harvest. Lon. Well, I suppose I must take you to see the sights. Come to the theatre this evening’ Go to TooLr’s—eh ? . C. Went there last night. Couldn’t stand it a second time. on. Impossible! Mr. Toore in The Don is excellent. . C. Mr. Tootz in The Don! Why, he is “‘ touring.” They got Pepita, a comic opera, at Toorr’s, Haven’t you seen it? | on. Notl. Never heard of it. . C. Why, it’s been played hundreds of times in the Provinces, so we sent it up te Town. But I won't go and see it again. Lon. Well, what do you say to the ee ee Swift? | C. C. 1 saw it when itwas produced at a matinée. r, TREE very | clever, as he always is in character parts, but I don’t care to go again. SCENT i ha t tf L Lf y I ( Lon. Well, I will take you to the Avenue to see Gladys and Don Juan, Junior. Cc. C. Thanks, much; but I have seen both and can’t stand either. Gladys begins too soon, and Don Juan, Junior, ends too late. And strange as it must appear to you, I seldom laugh at Mr. Rientoy, Lon. Strange, indeed ! wh C. C. Seen it twice, and can’t stand it a third time. very feeble for a melodrama, and I am tired of trick changes. Lon. Well, then, there is the Vaudeville. C. C. No, there isn’t. It’s closed; and so is the St. James’s, and the Opéra Comique, and Drury Lane. Lon. Really, you seem to know more about the amusements of Town than I do, C. C. Why shouldn’t I? To tell you the truth, I am obliged to go everywhere. You see, I am so accustomed to country quiet that I cannot stand London noise ; so I go every night to a Theatre. Lon. What for ? Cc. C. To geta couple of hours’ omy { The conversation is interrupted by a thunderstorm, mized with snow, and the other ingredients incident to this year's summer, Hail, thunderbolts, fog, and Curtain, ' d, RATION-AL DIET. Iw the interests of economy (which, however, will always be com- | bined with a certain regard to efficiency), the ental Regimen in future to be allowed to private soldiers will be as follows, which the Military Authorities, who arrange for victualling contracts, and the Con- tractors themselves, consider more than sufficient for the wants of growing youths, and likely to bring quite a rush of recruits into the Army :— First Meal in the Day.—This will —, Teri , | consist of two thin slices of bread and margarine—the latter not to be laid on too thick—with half a mug of shilling tea and a thimbleful of skimmed milk. | N.B.—Two spoonsful of this fine ma- tured tea to every six men.) This meal will take place at 8°30, and for lack of any more expressive title, will continue to be called ‘‘ Breakfast.” Second Meal.—Dinner, which is to be served at 1°30. Every soldier to have one whole ounce of meat, including bone; but he will be expected to make no bones about it, should he he unfortunate enough to receive a portion with no meat at all in it. The good soldier always tries to remember that if he were engaged in a cam- yaign in a perfectly desert country, and if all the Commissariat and yaggage animals had been killed for food a month before, he might conceivably be called upon to bear privations almost as great; and it is the constant object of the War Office to aid the soldier in realising this particular feature of actual warfare. Two ounces of potatoes are also to be allowed, but these must be weighed before being pared, and—if possible—directly they are taken from the ground, when & good deal of earth is likely to be attached to them. read, made of A Private Box. finest alum and bone-dust ‘‘ middlings,” to the extent of an ounce | per man, to be also allowed. A tea-spoonful of grated cheese on ‘hursdays. Suet-puddings on alternate Sundays. ; Third Meal.—Takes place at 4°30, when, having recently dined, men are not likely to be hungry, and so to waste the national re- sources. Pint of tepid tea, with three slices of bread and margarine. Fourth Meal.—Supper. Should the Contractor announce that he | does not feel able to supply a fourth meal at the figure for which he has tendered, the Authorities will desire to leave the matter in his hands, feeling certain that he has the highest interests of the Army at heart. If they are called upon to choose between starving the Exchequer and feeding the soldier, or starving the soldier and feeding the Exchequer, they feel bound to select the patriotic alternative. The above highly liberal and generous scale has been decided upon after consultation with some of the leading Medical officers at teformatories and Workhouses. It is confidently hoped that it will lead to a great increase in the flesh, bone, and sinew of our reeruits; if, however, it should be found that too much adipose tissue results, the meals can easily be reduced in quantity, or quality, or Soldiers of a peculiarly ravenous disposition, who really feel that they could eat something more between 4°30 in the afternoon and the following morning, will be allowed—after medical examination— still the pangs of appetite, by obtaining at the canteen, before gommg to bed, two or three drops of a powerful and inexpensive sleeping draught, which will carry them safely through to next morning $ breakfast. Or, if they choose, they can “ recruit” outside in nearest dram-shop. t> NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whother MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no care be returned, not even whéu accoupanied by a St thére will bé¢ go exception. amped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rile — ——. at say you to the Adelphi Union Jack ? | It really is | | | | | | | | | | | | | p ME Casaise! RICE 4 and 3 Age's

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—— . —_- — Don ner, And A | ris ind | of to | iat | ith r’s —— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Szrremesr 8, 1888. ARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD, 5 MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, WBA a. the Gall ; 60a, the Doz. Cisatsos Pato Casa Omer. RICHD. MATHEWS & C0., and 25, Hart St., Bloomsbury, W.C., LATE OF ALBANY &T., N.W. ages § fr Indla—CUTLER, PALMER, & CO. gogie bottle, as a sample, will be sent post w any address on receipt of P.O. for 4s. Sd. Rieh in Phosphates."—Banow Lazste. MAX GREGER'’S CARLOWITZ. 2, Old Bond Street, London, W. BURCOYNE’ S$ | esee Australien |i WINES, TINTARA, BRANXTON BURGUNDY, HIGHERCOMBE, ALLMAN'S N pistl Esfati.shed 1825 To be had at Clubs, Hotels, and Restaurants, and in casks of all Wholesale Wine and Spirit Merchants th out the United Kingdom and Colonies, NESTLES FOOD AN ENTIRE DIE Supplies all the cigmente for th ber oft ae seRriew nourishment Nestie's 3 8 Food, require m It is recommended by the ivalent Tasps Max. oa being partly entire in itself and ir a te make it’ instantly ready 7 7 Se = to ‘be added in preparing for use. Pamphiet, with Bofteal and aww Testimonials, sent t- f , NESTLE. onlals, sen 96 ¥1 ree OB application te T FOR INFANTS. compeses of milk, is comp!) is not read: like other Infant's ww. which est Medical Authorities as the nearest to [OTHER'S MILE. , Swow Hirt, Lowpom E Lecyty The beauty of Stained gan be enjoyed by using ‘4ondion B GLACIER WINDOW DECORATION. It be lied Se = a MILD INDIAN CIGARS AVA of an exquisitely choice flavour and con an — 22s., 200., and ifs. per Box of Samples, 4and 5 for Is. Fp =” BEWLAY & 00., 49, Strand, and 166, 01 Cheapside. Agents for Great J. EXSHAW & GOS vInnet OLD BRANDY. in ee as imported s GW | J te, & Co., #8, Rege = Street, Ww. BEDFORD PLOUGHS. ~—~~y~- HS OF | SAMUEL FOX & CO., Limited, have added to their celebrated frames decided improvements (protected by Letters Patent), which give increased Stability and greater Neatness to the Umbrella. SAMUEL FOX & CO., Limited, mannu- facture the Steel specially for all their frames, and are thus able to provide exceptional quality at a merely nominal price over in ferior makes. A LAXATIVE, TAMAR E. GRILLON, 69; Quee ODD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND "REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENGE, VERY AGREEABLE TO TAKE, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite INDIEN GRILLON. & A PLEASURE TO USE. Mover Bequires Grinding. Mr. Ben. lavive write "a ue razors exc seilent.” mn Case, complete, Black iKROPP: Handle 6/6 ; lvory Haudle, 78 BEAL GERMAN HOLLOW-@ROUND From all Dealers, or direc y RAZOR. Frith 8t,, 8uho 5 84, Lond Ww MAIGNEN S ILTR impurities. Thi = ty edals and First a every contest. “A better F could not be desired.“ —Lamecet “It snes Pe water both oaty cab wal, ond was Wointey cm Ry ven.) Thousands Ma = where hall nea op war "Pemphlen hes trom MAjomeNS © FILTRE RAPIOE” & ALCAIRE” GO., LTD. (The largett manufacturers of Filters in tha World), €. BRANDAUER & €0.’S gSiRGCLAR FSINXED aS | et PENS by & new process, C.BRANDAUERS JEPENS Gro PC Seven Prize Medals awarded. Box Amorted Sample ox, Gd., or post free for7 stamps from C. Brandauer & Co.’s Pen Works, __ Birmingham. BRILL'S SEA SALT. 14d. per Bath. BRACING AND REFRESHING, OF ALL CHEMISTS, &c. FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. SQUIRE'S CHEMICAL FOOD. A PHOSPHATIC FOOD. | Ya Bottles, 2s., 3s. 64., and 6s. each of Chemists, Or by Paree | Post fre ¢ direct from SQUIRE & SONS, Hea Masesry's Canmters, 413, OXFORD STREBT, LONDON. PLAYER’S GOLP LEAF NAVY CUT __ The Perfection of Tobacco, FOR _ 3, ST, MARY-AT-HILL, LONDON, E.C. Pir Gas, oteam, Water, TUBES —iioscs. "= acta, Purposes, Galvanised of White !nametled inside, In stock to 6 in. diameter. Cocks, Vaives, &e Joms Srencen, Ulohe Tube Works, Wednesbury ; aha 14, Gt. St, Thomas Apostle, London MAPPIN & WEBB’S HOLLOW GROUND Post Pree frum 168, Oxford Strest, W., and 18, Poultry, 2.¢., London, or from the Manufactory, Norfolk Street, SHEFFIEL In Case Complete. Black Handle Ivory Handle .... Sheffield. ~ Yar a vy » all Semen irre RAZORS. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY of tus STOMACH, HEARTHU KN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION 180, BOND STREET, and al! Chemists. “FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. la warranted to cleanse the blood from ai) impu:itiea, Sl wWeateven cause arising, For Serofula, Bourvy zems, Sin and Hlood Diseases. and sores of ail Einas by ey Td marvellous, Itis the only real specific it and Kheumatic Pains, for It re wes the caves from the bio.d and bones. In Bottles, 2s 94. and is each, of all Chemists. Ito prietors. Lin-oln and M 4 Counties Drug Co., Liecoln, Bewsee op Wonrncess Imrrarions G° LDEN _BBORZE, HAIR. — ciao & Ps ee Rodlaret tae Beet Sutiht ht is in vacua bie. AWANS'ANT/FAT Preryiy Veowr«nes., Per- feet Harm CONSTIPATION, Gastric and Intestinal | ~ troubles, Headache arising from them, n Street, City, London. DRUGGISTS, Ba, Gd, A BOK,

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“errr —eeeeeerererereererererererereerererereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemereremrereremrermerrmermremermemereremererereeeeeeeeeereeeeereerereeeeeeeeerereererererereet PUNCH, OR THE LOD LONDON CHARIVARI.—Sepremper 8, 1888. “~~ aa Ah a ht hh eee eer ~~ - The GOLD MEDAL ‘ of the > International Health > 6Exhibition, London, > has been awarded for 4 this Food; > and it is recommended ; by the LANCET ‘ and the : entire Medical Press. Perrer PPrrrrTt ‘oVrVT VVITTTT FRC ECT E TTT TTT TTT TTT TTT TTTT.. VO I ry THE NEW SALINE. Quite distinct from all other Saits and Saline Preparations. Protected by B.M. Over Fifty Patexts, Letters Patest. Trade Marks. SALT REGAL Possesses valuable Hygienic Properties hitherto unknown to Science. A highly arreeabie, effervescing, antiseptic, saline draught, most refreshing and exhilarating, developing the properties zone (the principle of life), and « certain antidote and reventive of four Stomach, Acidity, Feverishness, General ty, Fi atulence Naueses, Giddiness, Drsentery, Blood U ‘ Irritation of the Skin, Weariness, Lassi ‘ 4 ‘ 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 . 4 4 7 : 4 4 4 4 4 4 7 ‘ : 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 for which Saline preparations have ; orrects all Impurities in the System, ¢ whether ar sing from eathing heated or tainted air, or through ¢ rtaking of improperly cooked food, or errors of dlet—eating or ¢ rinkin acting as on instant purifier, each dose liberating a ¢ supply of a powerful antiseptic. cleansing the mouth, throat, and ¢ ymach et the same operation. It a naturel disinfectant. 4 otties hermetically sesled, 3s. 64, | Chemists and Medicine § Vendors throughout the World at and Sole Proprietors, : 4 4 = 4 4 4 4 : ‘ . ¢ 4 4 4 4 . c : 4 4 4 4 4 : 4 ‘ 4 4 ‘ 4 4 ‘ FRITZ & CO., SALT REGAL WORES, FLEET STREET, LIVERPOOL. RAPALA PPP PLP PPP PPP PPP ~~. nen enn eee i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i hh i hl en &§ Hanburys’ Castor Oil Tasteless. Pure. Active. Sold everywhere at 6d., l/, /9 & 3/. To Military Men and Others, ICKERING’S 4 BLANCO. : Tor whitening all articles of Buff cr 4 , Buckskin Leather, such as Military ¥) FP cipments, White Helmets, Gloves, $ (y wy icket and Tennis Shoes, Tennis ¢ ~a~ II eee eee bebe sees sebbbi 1. rains and discoloraticns, > and ersures evenness § 3 of colour, and a soft, : . silky sur! ‘sce of glossy $ satin-like appearance. y Much better and $ more convenient @) than pipe- clay, as ¢) . 25 there is no trouble $ of preparation, and it is much cheaper in the end. ¢ Buaxco is put up in cup-shaped blocks (registered ¢ lesign), and with the specially made non-corrosive zinc box, s2xpplied with the firet block, it will be found the ¢ andiest article for the prt irposes named. Sold at every ‘ante en, also by Iror mongers, Saddlers, &c. Packed > n-corrosive zinc Boxes, ¢d. each; blocks to re-fill, ¢ eact Manufacturers, JOSEPH PICKERING & SONS, Suerriecp, Exe. Ag f ritikh Army Ricuann Dicassow & C London Office st GEORGE'S HOUSE EASTCHEAP. EC ~~ Nall ia i i ttt i he hi i he i eh eh i i nh ei i dn i ih hh hh i ii i i i i it ttt tt he hi i i hh i i tt tt i i ti i ii i i hh i hh hi ed vere} ‘ v wvvV" PUTT TTTT TUT TT VVTTY GADBURYS ABS OLUTELY PURE COCOA | ashe phbbphi bbb hhh bbb bth eb bt be COC TT TTT TTT i i i tll Mi MM Ml MM Ml ls A Al ll A tl Ml ll ll ll ll ll ll ll dl Nn ti ti tie ti Mal i 7 vv" vv 7 iia i a i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i hh hi hii i i i ih hh hh hh hh hh hhh be hh hh hh ll . — i rinted by W Uliam Stuart Smith, ef No, 9, Leraine Read, Holloway op Se ds saangion im the County of Middlesex, Cp gis: -y Offices of Mewera, Bradbury, Agnew, & Co,. Lombard in he Freeinct of Whitetriars, . Peblutes by bles 4, Fleet Su Street, in the Parish of § of London. Savensay, beptomber 6, ime the his PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.

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- e “Th ‘- John Leech needs no special e genius of Leech has never been seen to greater advantage than in be Sie sale gailerg. pleading for the honour which | JOJ]HN _LEECH’S PICTURES / the world now recognises to be OF LIFE AND CHARACTER. his due.”—HOLMAN HUNT IN “CONTEMPORARY REVIEW.” 83 Royal Quarto Volumes, price 10s. Gd. each; also in 1 Volume, price 28s, (BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., 8, ¢ 10, Bouverie Stree’. London, B.C, ie ee ee a ee ee BIYu¥HL 391d - m Zz ©) m MY Ne 2462. VOLUME NINETY-FIFTH. —~e— SEPTEMBER 15, - —— —— — _OUN Ch YO vio ee PUNE VOLS Ait Vs Decmteeininaetdteden aaa EAs EEE . PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. h i wage NJ). it a BO }} PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. “== SCHWEPPES TABLE WATERS QUEEN ano me /) PRINCE of WALES. Sales during 1887, 12,289,260 Bottles. Registered at the General Post Oflice as » Newspaper.)

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TENERIFE AND ITS SIX SATELLITES; Or, The Canary Islands, Past and Presest. Ry OLIVIA M. STONE Auther of Norway in June.” VOL. I Tenerife, Palma, Gomera, Hierro; VOL. Il —@ree ( enaria, Puerteventars, Lanzarote. Rach Volome complete in iteclf, with Mape and l.i@et: ations The V mee ay be bought ecpe rately fF «2 ach MARCURB wani ao Low ae London fewpat A oe oye Mr. Reseell’s aim ie to Pear an the erase and that his treat- ment the true one seeme be) ond al! doubt The medicine he preecribes poms HOT LOWER, BUT BUILDS UF 4*D TON RS THE ev eTE® hook (116 pages) with recipe end notes how to pleasantly and rapidly cure Cwnerry average reduction im first week is 2 ibs.), post free — in) r RUSSELL, Wobeurs Bouse, _ Store Bi Street, Bedford Square, Londcs, W.¢. TO THE DEAF. Deis CURED. — A very nteresting 32 page Ulustrated Book on Deaf ness Noises in the H How they may be cured ~ rou home Post ve, 34d. Address sow, 71 , Be dford Square, Leadon, W od “OUR NEIGHBOURS.” PARTRIDGE & COOPER, STATIONERS, THE _192, FLEET STREET. THE “PREMIER” RAZOR STROPPING MACHINE Price 12s . Highly finished, £1 le with Polished Case, £2 &. Every Machine Guaranteed Sil ver- piated om razors keen and razors riection There is no mvolved in ite use. You holder, edge duwn Tested in every way, biunt, the machine is trouble, science, or skill merely fix your razor in th wards, turn a handiv slowly for a few seconds, and, beh the weapon iv as keen— well, let us say, ase razor should be Kareact oF suswsnes at Py GORKDUN Winchester House, id Broad Ptreet, Lon r « SANITAS” DISINFECTANTS. ln all cases of Peve to THE SANITAS or Limd Scahnsh Grose, Senden, 2. HOW TO DISINFECT. LOHSE’S (MAIGLOCKCHEN) LILY OF THE VALLEY PERFUME is the most fashionable of the day, sold by al! high class ferfumers. GUSTAV LOHSE, BERLIN ‘BRILL’S SEA SALT. ijd. per Bath. BRACING AND REFRESHING, _ OF ALL CHEMISTS, é&e. USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES, = BEST FOOD FOR INFANTS. la Tins, 1s., 2s., bs. aud 10s. each. SAVORY & MOORE, Lonoon, , AND BOLD EVERYWHERE. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Sezrremezr 15, 1888. ESTABLISHED 1825. =a FOO BEST AND CHEAPEST. FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE ACED, MAPPIN & WEBB’S SWEET “SCENTS LIGN-ALOE. OPOPONAX \ FRANGIPANNI. PSIDIUM ELECTRO PLATE LUGGAGE, PASSENGER, &c. Por HOTELS, MANSIONS, @¢ DINNER and INVALID LIFTS, + | SODEN MINERAL PASTILLES ) p70 Universally acknowledged the best remedy - - for affections of the CLARE, BUNNETT,£00., Lim., THROAT, CHEST, AND LUNGS. | RATHBONE PLACE, W. They are especially recommended by our SL a greatest Medical Authority, | Cubebs, Stramonium, and SAVAR'S Stes tarcen SIR MORELL MACKENZIE, Tarcat "Cough Bronchatie whose testimonial is affixed to each box. Influenza, One Cigarette Of ail Chemists at ls. 1)4., or Post Free xo | CUBEB —— a4 en stamps, of SODEN MINERAL PRODUCE C 10, Drea's Buitpines, Hocsoan, Lospos, B.C Ful directions. Al) Chemists. CIGARETTES. .......meerac woos on CHUBB’S — te SAFES (TIDMAN’S SEA SALT. WILL PREVENT PIDMAN’S SEA SALT. JEWEL ROBBERIES alysed and approved by Dr. Hassall. 128, QUEEN VICTORIA STREET, E.C.; | Bew TIDMAN’ 8 SEA SALT. 68, ST. JAMES’S STREET, Pali Mall, London. Constantly recommended by Medical Men | TIDMAN'S SEA SALT. Has given Strength and Vigour to Millions ware Imitat jons Every Genuine Package bears idman‘s name and Trade Mark. coLT’s DOUBLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as supplied to H_M. War Department. COLT’S SINGLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as adopted by the United Staics Government OoLy’ i es PISTOL takes me ont tand inchester Magezine Kifle Cartridge cal | cour 8 HOUSE REVOLVER, POCKET REVOLVER, | and DERINGER, for the Vest pocket; best quality | only Coit’s Kevolvers are used all over the world, | COLTS DOUBLE-BARRELLED SHOT GUNS and LIGETHING MAGAZINE RIFLES, for india and the Colonic Yrice List free. COLT'S I TREARMS Ci o.,4. Pall Mall, London,S. W. ‘A LUXURY FOR SHAVING Without Soap, Water, or Brush. 1s. OF ALLHAIRDRESSERS, CHEMISTS, ac Wholesale: R. HOVENDEN & SONS, Berners St., W., and City Rd., E.C. London st sovereign and precious weed that ever the aan te ndered to the use of man.’’—Bex Jonson. qP Las O TME ABSOLUTELY PERFECT | SMOKING "uitiene | Atall Tobacconists and Stores, in Packers omty | R_ LLOYD A» LLOYD AND SONS, HOLBORN BARS, B.C. ~aeiga Mepicines & eg aaicles ¥ H+Ee°2 SAMUEL FOX & CO., Limited, have added to their celebrated frames decided im provements (protected by Letters Patent), which give increased Stability and greater | Neatness to the (mbrella. SAMUEL FOX & CO., Limited, mann- | facture the Steel specially for ail their | frames, and are thus able to provide | exceptional quality at a merely nominal price over inferior makes. TRELOAR’S CHEVIOT GARPETS ON Cin by 7h. 0in. .41 19 10 f% 3 in by oh. 3s. . « 1 89 10 ft. 9in. by Of. Sing. . 1186 12%. Sin. ty Of Oia. . 8 99 22. Oic. by 11% Sin. . 8 85 14 ft. Sin. by 11 ft. Sis. . 2140 SEAMLESS, BOKDERKED, ALL Wool asp | IN OTHER SIZES TRELOAR & SONS 68, 69, and 70, Ludgate Hi OXFORD.—MITRE HOTEL | ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGnoy (GRAND HOTEL LONDON, ENG. —o— FINEST Ssi!TUATION EVERY LUXURY xo COMFORT MOST RECHERCHE QUISINE: VERY MODERATE TARIFF. THE AIR - PURIFIER, TEROZONE, diffuses a purifying and refreshing perfume WHITAKER & GROSSMITH, 22, SILK STREET, CITY, LONDON ls. 6d. Bold by Chemists, Ac., or direct Df. PACET, _durgeon Dentist, , Strand (Facing Charing Cross Station pare PAGE1 s Ameri ener rinine T Hl without PLATES or PALATES, ala timospheng pressure, explained in the Illustra Pamp. post free. Consultations daily tre Try ARBENZ’S Celebrated Waratel MANDARIN RAZORS. “ They are the best I have ever vas sed M at excelient, and 2 beon to travel llers * Firntr ‘The most satisfactory.’ * Only soqus re to be known to dea preciated.” “The best and cavert shavers.” “ More compentehie and pica ‘ hollow-ground razors.” “ With no ther " have I obtained so clean a shave as with Arte * Have not enjoyed the comfort of such 4} and luxurious month's shaving fo years, & =) other razors by various goou makers are bow © much old steel.” “It must be the raz the future.” “Your razor has robbed the one of its horrors."’ “I have not met with « b+ *The harder the beard, the better they she" “ Your razors are spi endid, I am immensely pias with them The above guaranteed genuine testimonias 1 handreds of others ‘al! filed for inspection), prev? ARHKENZ’S to be the best, most reliable, ewiet and cheapest high-class Razors known. Supyiet in sets of 4 or at Ss. and lls. 60. per set — tively. Not less than the set of 4 supple ay be had of Dealers at above prices, or P. A. ARBENZ, 107 & 108, Great Charles Street, Birmingham, ivtroducer of the now cel ebratec aad much-imitated “GEM " AIK GUNS Beware oy CounTenrrits KROPP RAZOR REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUN WARRANTED PERFECT. NEVER REQUIRES -yamaeag om all Dealers Wholesale rh Frith Street. | or CALLARD | & BOWSER'S CELEBRATED BUTTER-SCOTCH. ‘REALLY WHOLESOME CONFECTIONSS! Lancet | Ht | pam Sa AC AC t=]

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2 =i - PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 121 | SepremBer 15, 1888.] A NATIONAL MUDDLE; OR, THE INVENTOR AVENCED. (Government Drama in Active Rehearsal.) ACT 1.—A Room in the Permanent Sleepy Department, Half-awake Official discovered dozing at desk. Enter a Sanguine Inventor. Half-awake Official (rousing himself). Ah! Mr. What’s-your- name’ Come about that new gun of yours, eh ? Sanguine Inventor. Yes, and this is the twenty-fifth time I’ve called about it. Surely, the Authorities can make up their minds. Come: what do they mean to do about it ? H. O. Well, you see it was to carry twenty miles S. I. Yes, ns go through thirty-six inches of steel plating. H. O. Just so. Well, come, you know, that’s too much for us. We don’t care about such distances and figures. S. I. “Don’t care?” Idon’t understand you. Why, it’s an entirely new departure ! H. O. Yes, but this Department doesn’t care about new departures. It sticks to the old lines. y ey S. I. But the army that first adopts my gun, will revolutionise all the conditions of warfare. H. O. That’s just why the Department wouldn’t touch it, It doesn’t want to revolutionise anything. It has got its own and ideas to work out, and it has quite enough to do to keep pace with them, I can tell you. S. I. Will you purchase it, or not? You shall have it for £1000. H. O. Quite out of the question at that figure. But the fact is, we don’t want it at any price. You had better take it elsewhere. S. I. As you will. I shall certainly take it—to the Continent. H. O. 80 do. And now good morning. [Bows him out, and falls asleep, while Sanguine Inventor pro- ceeds to carry out his threat as Act Drop descends. ACT II.— Tableau, representing an interval of ten years, curing which Sanguine Inventor applies to the Foreign European Govern- ments, and disposes of his invention to several of them on highly advantageous terms, hands the ‘* weapon of the future,” its merits are freely discussed in scientifie Continental military circles ; and the rumour of its various excellences at length reaching the Officials of the Perma- nent Sleepy Department, they lethargically appoint a Com- — if Inquiry to investigate its merits, as the Act Drop descends, ACT IIl.—A Room in the Permanent Sleepy Department. Half- awake Official discovered, engaged in an interview with The Representative of the Firm of Messrs. Mrppteman & Co. Half-awake Official. You see, there is a public clamour got up about the gun, and so, I suppose, we must have it. What’s your figure ? The Representative of Messrs. Middleman, A million and a half ; not a penny under. H. O. Oh! but come, that’s sticking it on rather too stiff. Why, wn pes ago we could have had it for £1000! e R. of M. M. Very possibly. And you were great fools not to purchase at the price. But we have since managed to secure the potent for a pretty penny, and you don’t think we are going to do yusiness without making a tidy profit? A million and a half is our lowest figure. So you may like it or leave it, just as you choose. H. O. Vf it wasn’t for the clamour, we would soon let you know which we would do. However, we ’ve no choice ; so, I suppose, you must have your price. [ Proceeds to make arrangements for the payment of the purchase- money for aten-years’ old invention as the Act Drop descends. ACT IV.—Tubleau representing the Sanguine Inventor, who has now patented a Gun that will carry forty miles, and penetrate 6 feet of steel plating, offering its refusal to the Permanent Sleepy Department. He has an interview with the Half-awake Official, who, informing him that the Department has just paid a million and a half for his previous invention, points out that they are not prepared to negotiate any further “bor the purchase of any improvements. The Sanguine Inventor thereupon straightway disposes of his new secret to further Foreign Euro- ? it with the greatest success, as the Act Drop descends. ACT V.—Represents the Interior of the Permanent Sleepy De- partment after the Declaration of War by several Continental Powers, one of the ary ae Inventor’s Patent Shells fired by the Enemy having just blown the entire Office into the air. The Half-awake Official is discovered slowly emerging from the débris. Half-awake Official (rubbing his eyes). Dear me, this is very awkward. I sup we ought to have purchased that fellow’s Invention, after all. However (coming forward), if our kind friends in front are only satisfied, we can’t deny that we have brought about a precious ** National Muddle ”’-—— | _ Sanguine Inventor (taking his hand). And have seen the Sanguine | Inventor at last ‘‘ ave Nad [They embrace as the Curtain falls. OUR BOOKING-OFPFICE. Capital number of the Fortnightly ; that is, as much as I've read of it. ‘‘ Imprisonment for Debt,” by Judge Cuatmers, should be studied by everyone who wants to get into debt and keep himself out of prison. I gather from this article that impri- sonment for debt quite the pleasantest way of spend- ing a fewdays in a recess. || But in his }} next, per- haps, Judge CHALMERS will tell us exactly how the prisoners | are treated ? i}; Why should yy not a caged prisoner, who can but won't pay, be made to pay, by setting him to some work which will bring in sufficient money to satisfy the creditor and the expenses of his detention ? “Where was the Baron when the light went out?” His new gun being pronounced on all} . , pean Governments, who, adopting it with enthusiasm, utilise | = | The literary critic who writes so trenchantly on the Fall of Fiction, in the same number, ought by this time to have read Rhedah’s | Revenge, wherein I finished off the mighty Rrreracoarp himself with the stock-in-trade of his entertainment. Let Mr. Kroger Hac- GARD get a new set of puppets, and learn some fresh tunes on his | pipe to which they can ia. | Before changing the subject, I may mention that one of ‘‘ The | Friendlies’”’ informs me that, in Rhedah’s Revenge, | was wrong in making ‘* Rhinoceri”’ the plural of Rhinoceros. I thought I was. | ought tohave written, ashe says, ‘‘ Rhinocerotes,’’ or ‘‘ Khinocerosses ;”’ but then, you see, it occurred to me that ‘‘ Rhinoceri,” having no existence, were just the very animals that Riper Hacoarp would |have pledged his veracity as a Romancer that his mighty hunters had ia When I come across such solemn affidavits, ‘‘I say 0h-pooh to him,” and my nose, having in it more of the antique | Roman than the Greek, becomes ‘‘ rhinocerical.’’ (For which word, | see Dixon’s Johnsonary Lathomised.) | The four volumes of Weird Tales have continued to delight me. | There ’s one by Mr. Eowunp Yares, called The Skeleton in the House, | written, a foot-note confidentially informs us, ‘‘ while he was still in his twenties,’’—which sounds like the British Workman ‘ coming in his thousands.” First-rate vintage ‘‘ The Twenties,’’—wish I had a | lot of them ; and this weird tale of Moi Méme’s is so racily told, and | with such conviction, that I am heartily sorry he has seen only one | ghost in his life. Or perhaps he has seen a lot of them, and won’t tell. Please E. Y. give us another ghost, there’s a good haunted man, do! 1’ve tried all sorts of spirits without effect. Nowadays |T am trying to get one skeleton at all events into my house by con- jurations of ANDREW CLARKE, Roose, THompson, and BanTINe, oy spells of dry toast, no butter, no white of eggs, no sugar, no starch great deprivation this—I was so fond of shirt-fronts fresh from the wash—quite a glutton at them), no fat, no potatoes, no pudding, no sweets, no nothing in fact, and yet the skeleton still weighs fourteen stone with the flesh on. Would fright do it? I shall go on with these Weird Tales—one every night at bedtime—and then, ‘* Out, out, brief candle!” and under the clothes disappears the head of the Brave Baron pe Book Woxms. ADVERTISEMENT GRATIS. A propos of some allusion to Pepita, now playing at Toorr’s Theatre, we have received a letter purporting to be written by one of the Managers of this Operatic Company, informing us that “ The B. P. know ”’—what, he doesn’t say—‘‘and” (we quote rerbatim) ‘*their verdict is taken, not a silly paper, and, I am glad to say, we refuse money nightly.” Very vs conduct on the part of “We,” Refuse money nightly! We wish we—‘* nous autres’ —had the chance. Would we avail ourselves of it? Ahem! Well, we must at once visit Toore’s, and, pro formd, tender our coin ? Will it be refused ? or, shall we be let in? And if the latter, shall we be let in for something good? Nous rerrons, ‘‘ nous autres.” VOL, XCV, M

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LL gf ag — i~-s Buyer (who having had a legacy of £30, invests in 6 screws for LucK ; I'VE DONE FAIRISH BUSINESS.” Seller. *‘ Wein, I can’? po THAT. TELL YER WHAT THOUGH, GENEROUS OFFER. Cab-proprietor’s business), ‘‘ YOU MIGHT GIVE US A SOVEREIGN FOR I’LL CHUCK YER THIS OTHER 088 IN.” THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. August 22.—Home sweet Homeagain. Canrnrre bought some pretty blue wool mats to stand vases on. Frrpps, Janus & Co. write to say they | are sorry pan | have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin. Aug. 23. bought a pair of stags’-heads made of Plaster of Paris and coloured brown. They will look j and give it style; the heads are cusclient imitations. Smrra are sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin. Aug. 24.—Simply to please Lurry, and make things cheerful for him, as he is a little down, Carrie invited Mrs. James to come u from Sutton and spend two or three days with us. We have not sai a word to Lupry, but mean to keep it as a surprise. Aug. 25.—Mrs. James arrived in the afternoon, bringing with her an enormous bunch of wild-flowers. The more I see of Mrs. JAMES the nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. She went into Carrre’s room to take off her bonnet and remained there nearly an hour talking about dress. Lupry said he was not a bit surprised at Mrs. James’s visit, but was surprised at her. Aug. 26, Sunday.—Nearly late for church, Mrs. James having talked considerably about what to wear all the morning. Lupry does not seem to get on very well with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall have some trouble with our next-door neighbours who came in last PooLERS AND have already made themselves objectionable. An evening or two ago | had put on a white waistcoat for coolness, and while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a habit I have), one man, seated in the cart, and looking like an American, commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about, ‘‘Z had thirteen dollars in my waistcoat pocket.”” I fancied it was meant for me, and my suspicions were confirmed ; for, while walking round the garden in my hat this afternoon a ‘‘ throw-down” cracker was deliberately aimed at my hat and exploded on it like a percussion cap. I turned ly, and am positive I saw the man — was in the cart retreating from one of the bed-room windows. Aug. 27.—Carktz and Mrs. James went off shopping, and had not ust the thing for our little hall | Wednesday. Several of their friends, who drive up in dog-carts, | | sequent conversation, I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Canrie’s head with a lot of nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowrne’s, | and asked him to drop in to supper, and make things pleasant. Canriz | prepared a little catamaetleal supper, consisting of the remainder of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was to refuse, in case | there was not enough to go round), and a blanc-mange and custards. There was also a decanter of port and some jam puffs on the side- board. Mrs. James made us play rather a game with cards, | called ‘‘ Muggins.” To my surprise—in fact, disgust—LvuPry got up in the middle, and in a most sarcastic tone said, ‘* Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for me. I shall go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the back garden.” Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowrne (who seems to have taken to Luprx suggesting they should invent games. Luprn said, ‘‘ Let’s play Monkeys.” He then led Gowrne all round the room, and brought | him in front of the looking-glass. I must confess I laughed heartily lat this. I was a little vexed at everybody subsequently laughing at some joke which they did not explain, and it was only on going to bed I discovered I must have been walking about all the evening with an antimaccassar on one button of my coat-tails. . Aug. 28.—Found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums, evidently come from next door. Patries AND Patties can’t find s place for Lurry. Aug. 29.—Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Canrte. CARRIE appeared in a new dress like a smock-frock. She said ‘‘ Smocking was all the rage. I replied it put me in arage. She also had on 4 | hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape. Mrs. James | went home, and both Lurry and I were somewhat pleased—the first | time we have agreed on a single subject since his return. MERKINS amp Son write they have no vacancy for Lupry. | | | Motto for the Gaiety Adapters of ‘‘ She.” ‘* Tp we do prove him 7 oy ; Though that his Jesses were our dear heart-strings, We’d whistle him off.” (Joe Knight's Shakspeare, Revised Version. Othello, Act III., se. 3.) returned when I came back from the office. Ju from the sub- |

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SepremBer 15, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

“ & DERISION. Wooprurr, I’m arrarp I've snot THAT Doo HE MOSTLY DROP DOWN LIKE THAT IF ANYBODY Misses !!”

| | j | | | | BEAUTIFUL TAR. Sone oF AN ENTHUSIASTIC SCIENTIST, Atrn—*' Beautiful Star.” BeavtiFut Tar, the outcome bright Of the black coal and the yellow gas-light, Of modern products most wondrous far, Tar of the gas-works, beautiful Tar! Tar of the Gas-works, &c. In fancy’s ear thou seem’st to say, ‘* Follow me close, I am bound to pay. On me experiments freely try ; For if there’s a multum in parvo, ’tis I.” Tar of the pe Pay &e. | Men told us once, with a cheek quite calm,

Of the things that the Arabs could get from the palm ; But that fraud botanic is distanced far By the modern marvel, the black Coal-tar. Tar of the Gas-works, &c. House and garments, victuals and drink, The nomad got from the palm, I think ; But as source of beauty, and bliss, and balm, Coal-tar from the palm-tree must bear the palm, Tar of the Gas-works, &c. Protoplasm ? Oh, that’s played out ; Fa a is Tar, > doubt. , se an tency,” Tar must ta What vulgar sciollets “the cake: ” y Tar of the Gas-works, &e, There ’s hardly a thing that a man may name use or beauty in life’s small game,

But you can extract in alembic or jar From the ‘‘ physical basis” of black Coal-tar. Tar of the Gas-works, &c. Oil, and ointment, and wax, and wine, And the lovely colours called aniline ; You can make anything, from a salve to a star, If you only know how to, from black Coal- tar. Tar of the Gas-works, &c. ’Tis found the basis of all things sweet ; Sugar is settled, and beet is beat ; The western root and the eastern cane With ubiquitous Coal-tar contend in vain. Tar of the Gas-works, &c. You can carry the stuff in your pocket or at, And it will not hurt you, or make you fat ; Of saccharine matters the wholesomest far Is the stuff extracted from black Coal-tar, Tar of the Gas-works, &c. The very bees mistake it for honey! ’Tis a fount of pleasure, a mine of money : And the Bounty question without a jar Will soon be settled by black Coal-tar, Tar of the Gas-works, &c. Triumph, O Tar! Stuff halfdivine! The world’s whole interests soon will twine Around thine essence the subtlest far, Tar of the Gas-works, black Coal-tar— Tar of the Gas-works, black Coal-tar!

A Person or Licut anp Leapixe.—Will o’ the Wisp.

NOUS AT NEWNHAM. (By a “‘ Babbler in the Land,’’) [Miss Heten Giapstone says that when she was a student at Newnham, a motion was brought before the Debating Society there, and carried by a large majority, that life without gossip was not worth living.] ExceLLent, Miss’ Heren Guapsrone ! That is not the frump or “* fad’s”’ tone. Girlhood without Gossip ? Dreadful! Fancy Fanyy with a head full Of on dits and tittle-tattle Sworn against all pretty prattle! Vowed to theorems and theses ! No, the little talking teases Could not care for Mind or Matter, Art or Science, without Chatter. Mr. Punch, though gabbling cad you hate, You’ll applaud the “ sweet girl uate”’ Who, howe’er chockfull of knowledge Holds that girlhood, e’en at College, Still may without blame or loss sip — — 4 nectar oa , nly scorned by peevish quizdom ; For as Wit to heavy Wisdom, Banter to bitter brooding, Soufflé ficht to suet pudding, So is Cote bright and blameless, As unspiteful as ’tis aimless, To the heavy altercation Pompous prigs call Conversation ! Life without it worth the candle ? No, dear Punch. Dull spite and scandal Very properly you tackle, But you will not ‘‘ cut the cackle.”

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————___ [Sepremper 15, 1888, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 124 7 ruct Berth Problem— Information— W eather— seniye Steward —Picturesque—Uneertainties, To the Tower—in a cab! Visions of Crurksnanx, HARRISON Maugher of the Aze, Xit, the Giants, the Torture- room, Cwely being dragged down-stairs, andSMephistophelian Simon Renard. Suppose a shell or two would knock the old place all to smithereens,—to W. H. Smithereens,—d propos of Harkison Arys- AINSWORTH, “We're going to have a very fine Passa wortTH. The Tower is not a Tour de force. occupied by vans, earts, and crowds of men,—dockyard labourers waiting for work towards St. Katherine’s wharf. Glad to know that I have arrived half an hour before the boat starts, as, if an intending passenger were at all late, and if there were but one waggon more in this dirty narrow lane, and one cab coming up the street when mine is going down, to reach the wharf itself in time to catch the boat would be simply impossible. Not a policeman visible, no official of any sort at hand to regulate the traffic and clear a way to and from the point of departure. How the exports and imports ever get out of these narrow thoroughfares without smashing and jamming, and loss of life, or damage to limb, and how the passengers especially the female passengers—for the various steamboats ever reach their destination in safety is a marvel to me. Happy Thought.—Yet this stoppage of traffic is appropriate to the locality. The Tower and “‘ the block ! ” I meet Hopson at the entrance to the wharf. He assures me, as his dear friend, that he is as annoyed as I am about the obstruc- tion, and especially annoyed on my aceount. ‘‘ But look here!” he exclaims abruptly, adroitly changing the subject, ‘‘ we’ve got the best berths in the ship!” and he leads the way to the steamer, almost skipping with delight at his own eraftiness in securing these exceptional berths. Happy Thought.—The Skipper and his eraft. We have: so much is evident: but two other passengers are to o cups the two other berths in the same cabin. “* Perhaps they won't come,” I say, with a glimmer of hope, and relying on the probable obstacles in the narrow a yproach. ‘They're here already,” says Hosson, with an air of genial hospitality, pointing out their overcoats and bags, which I thought were 118 OWT. ‘I’ve taken the two upper berths,” continues Honsow, still con- gratulating himself on his acuteness. ‘‘ Plenty of air, you see” — here he a the port-hole—‘‘and the other chaps are very quie fellows ve seenthem. It will be all right. I’m sure you'll like it.” Down a dirty lane + high up and about as roomy as the top shelf of the linen-cupboard in an old-fashioned housekeeper’s room. Problem. How to get there? Not being a bird, Iean’t fly up. Not being a gymnast, Ican’tjumpup. Ifthere’s no ladder, I mustevidently climb up. I mention “ ladder * to one of the officials of the steamer who looks in at the cabin casually,—ship’s officers I think they ’re ealled,—and ship’s officer only laughs and goes away again. Clearly a ladder is out of the question; it certainly was out of the answer, as far as the merry but uncommunicative ship’s officer is concerned, Consequently, as I put it to Hopson (who can get into his own berth as easily as possible by merely stepping on to the top of the fixed washing-stand when closed, and crawling in at the foot of the bed), the problem developes itself into two parts. First: How to clim) without grazing my knees and doing myself some serious internal injury from the effects of which I may never recover. Secondly: How to climb up without considerably inconveniencing the man on the shelf below, by kicking him on the head, stamping on his nose, putting my foot on his mouth, or otherwise so alarming him, that, if asleep, he may wake suddenly, forget where he is, think that I am a heaeiee, and incontinently seize me by the leg and bring me down to the floor, when, unless I am stunned and with both arms and legs broken, there must ensue a combat of two in which the other couple must inevitably join. ** You’ll find it very comfortable,” says Hopson; “the ship is lighted by electricity,”’—as if this would help me to climb up into my jam-cupboard shelf, or send me to sleep when I get there,—“ and the whole place is deliciously clean and comfortable. Let’s go on deck,” he says, in a persuasive voice, and I follow him as he skips up the companion. We come upon a communicative passenger, who seems to be an acquaintance of Honson’s. He informs us that, ‘* This isn’t the Company’s new boat. The new boat’s much better than this.” ‘* This is a very good boat,” protests Honson, as if it were his own. **Oh, she’s good enough, and fast enough,” says the communi- eative acquaintance; ‘* but she’s old. She’s fast, though,” he repeats, as if being ‘‘old and fast” were a recommendation to anybody. ‘‘Ah! she’s a first-rate vessel,” says Honson, standing to his guns, on my account, I am sure, otherwise, I fancy, he would agree with his communicative acquaintance. The latter continues, ‘‘ She’s still a good seagoing boat,” resumes the communicative acquaintance, ‘‘ but she’s no breadth of beam. She ’ll roll ”’—{ will she, O dear !|—‘‘ she ’Il roll, if there ’s any sea on,” he repeats, emphatically, as if he were drawing our attention to an inspired prophecy, ‘‘ she’ll roll.” OBSON observes with equal certainty, ‘‘ But there will be no sea on.” Allon my account, 1’m sure. I’m afraid his forecast would honestly be in favour of there being ‘‘ a sea on.” ‘* You should have gone by the new boat,” says his acquaintance. I cannot help asking him how it is that if the new boat 1s so perfect, he, himself, didn’t go by it? **I am going by it, next Saturday,” he replies, ‘‘ I’m only here to ’ another ten minutes he is on the quay, waving his hat, and pitying us. Observing me somewhat denned by this information, Honson is eareful to assure me that, in his opinion, we shall have a capital passage. True, we are beginning well; but then this is only the river; dirty, but interesting. We have a considerable number of passengers. There are three horse-artillerymen, with swords and spurs, who seem rather out of place on board. There are a few persons, young men and young women, with sticks, rugs, water- proofs, umbrellas, maps, guide-books, and hand-bags; a reserved person in an ulster, with opera-glasses; and three awkward youths of the superior ’Arry type, two of whom are in a state of perpetual admiration of the third, who is a repulsively larky young fellow, in a yachting cap, a dirty-looking ee shirt, false collars, and probably false cuffs, with a crimson tie, evidently their leader and model in waggery ; a staid and very stout old Darby and Joan, who seem glued to their seats, and nudge one another from time to time when they are passing anything that seems to either of them worthy of notice; these, with a few more middle-aged quiet couples, 4 very English-looking person deeply interested in a French novel with the familiar yellow cover, ond a High Church clergyman with a moustache, represent the tourist element. All the others, both fore and aft, seem to be attired in the ordinary nee and black coat of London respectability, as if they had strolled down to the whart, come on board by merest accident, and been carried off before they knew where they were. Most of these persons at once contract with the Steward for their meals at so much a head for the voyage, and, should the weather prove favourable, they take twiee of everything on principle. Ona rough passage I suppose the Steward has the best of the bargain. And he certainly + his cards well, as the time fixed for the dinner on board is two o’clock, just as the ship is off Southend, when bidding farewell to the river, we enter on the real a ag. Happy Thought.—lf you want to know what sort of passage it 18 “Shall If” 1 return, doubtfully looking at my berth, which is as going to be, ascertain the number of passengers contracting at 5° see a friend off.” And time being up, he bids us good-bye, and in |

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| | tivated enthusiasm; and natu | the art of sympathising. I confess to bein especially with the | past experience may suggest. should even have the spuccennss of any likelihood to go wrong. He SepreMBeR 15, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 125 much a head for their meals, and then"watch the Steward’s face after Erith. If you see the Steward smiling, beware,—if he chuckles and rubs his hands gleefully, for squalls—and if he laughs out- right, disappear to your , and make such arrangements as your Hosson is a capital companion. He is most anxious that nothing never attempts forced jollity, but, naturally enthusiastic, he has cul- rally sympathetic, he has cultivated very soon depressed, bility of nasty weather in view. The sky appears lowering. “We shall have a storm, I think,” is my melancholy foreboding. ‘Oh, no,” replies Hopson, cheerily. ‘* That dark appearance is due to London smoke.” And then he dilates on the subjects of smoke consumption, fogs, chimneys, gas, storage of force, and so forth. In the meantime, I am watching the clouds. “Ey ree, I think,” I say, not liking to be certain, and stiil hoping against hope, as I see the marks of heavy drops falling, as if nails had been driven into the deck at equal distances. Rain!” exclaims Hosson, putting on his glasses, and lookin about him with an air of the utmost incredulity at the bare idea o the possibility of such a thing. ‘‘Rain? No. I think it’s the spray from the engine.” And he looks round with a chirpy and perfectly satistied smile (being much pleased with his own ingenious explana- tion), just as a heavy rain- as big as a pea hits him sharply on the tip of his nose. He looks up with an expression of childlike ae, as if this were some part in a funny juvenile game, and he had to turn round twice and find out who had touched him on the nose. ‘‘There’s more where that came from,” I say, seizing the camp- stool and making for cover under the awning. There is: it comes down heavily. He follows me with his campstool, and his waterproof buttoned up —for in spite of the sanguine tone of his consolation to others, he himself is never without a handy and really serviceable Mackintosh —and looking round on the people all huddled together like sheep in a storm, he 1° i ne as if he took rather a pride in this down- pour, ‘Ah! that’s something like a shower!” Then he continues :— ‘* You’ll see, this will clear the air ; it’s just what was wanted— not by us,” he puts in, finely anticipating the general objection, ‘‘ but by the atmosphere, and it will be for our benefit, as we shall have a lovely passage. Wind 8. by S.W.!” he exclaims, in an ecstasy of delight, turning in that direction ; ‘‘ couldn’t be better, dear friend ; couldn’t be better!” - _ rain makes the deck so sloppy; that’s the worst of it,” I gTumbie, ‘That is the worst of it,” returns Honson, triumphantly; ‘I quite agree with you, that is the worst of it; but there ’s no mud, as there would be ashore, and in five minutes the sun will come out and the Captain will send a man with a mop, and the deck will be as dry asa bone. Look, it’s stopped now. And there’s a dry place — in the middle of the vessel, where you will scarcely feel motion at all, We enjoy sunshine for a while. But the wily man with the mop does"not make his appearance as the clouds are once more gathering. ‘* Looks threatening,” I observe ; and I mean it. _ Oh, no,” Hossow replies, rubbing his hands gleefully ; ‘‘ when it begins like this, it’s always fine afterwards.” “ Rather misty,” I say, pointing ahead to a dense grey mist into which we are rapidly steaming. “Yes, rather misty,” he returns, for the fact is undeniable ; but as he has a good word even for a river-fog, he at once adds cheerfully, ‘ But what a wonderful effect! Look at that boat emerging from the mist like a spectre ! ” _, Subject for Mistler,—I mean Waster,” I observe, gloomily. ‘ Exactly, dear friend, exactly,” he replies, delighted to find me willing to enter into his artistic views of this arrangement in fog and smoke. Then he points towards the dense mass of grey vapour which we are now approaching, and exclaims, ‘‘ Look!” After which he throws back his head and folds his arms with the air of & connoisseur rega some great masterpiece of Art, and says, There! There are wonderful effects! Wonderful! wonderful!’ And, as a wandering black barge slowly emerges from the fog, he repeats to himself, sotto voce, ‘‘ Wonderful! Beautiful!” in a sub- dued tone of the most intense admiration. His tone of unqualified “probation reminds me of the old Herr Von Jorn, who used to go about at Pappy Green’s selling twopenny cigars for sixpence apiece, and exclaiming, ‘‘ Pewtiful! Pewtiful!’ Then, asthe clouds gather thicker and thicker, and the fog becomes more and more dense, he turns towards me, may ightly, and says with anair of conviction rn deceives nobody, ‘‘ “an friend, we shall have a very fine ssage. Hardly are the words out of his mouth than down comes the rain in the distance, and the "scene'is illuminated with vivid flashes of lightning.” We descend below. ** Tf it’s going on like this——” I in, grumbling. “It won't,” Hopson assures me. ‘* The effects of this storm will be to make the sea perfectly calm, and with the wind in a rather rainy quarter, we shall have a splendid passage. You'll see. It will be beautiful! beautiful! You won't feel even a qualm.” And if I did, he would tell me that the qualm I felt was the best ualm in the world, and that a calm wall follow on a qualm, and then, if I were very unwell, he would prove to me scientifically that nothing could be more beneficial to my general health than this short sharp attack of mal de mer. e are steaming down the Thames, with every now and then a stoppage (the signal *‘ Stop her!” being given by a sharp bell and a avail voice, as it appears to me,—a similar method being used to indi- cate ‘* Go ahead again!”’), in order to allow time for various huge unwieldy barges,—laden or empty, which are generally in charge of an inadequate crew, consisting of a dirty man clinging to a prodi- giously long pole, with which he is stirring up the mud, a barking og very angry with our steamer, and an unkempt indolent boy,—to get out of our way and save themselves from being run down or swamped; and we are rapidly passing landmarks familiar to Londoners who dine at Greenwich, and many more quite unfamiliar even tothem. I am beginning to feel hungry. Good or bad sign ’ ** First-rate sign, dear friend,” replies Honson, enthusiastically. ‘* First-rate! Shows it’s agreeing with you.” Glad to hear it, but I have my doubts. OVENLY! A CorresponpENt, signing himself “A Havenry Currvnist,” sends us this cutting from The Garden, which we at * once proceed to plant within our own borders :— \ 2G : mS TMPROVER.—A lady highly ‘+ , L recommends a youth, age 17; \\\three years’ good general expe- rience under glass in her garden. 5 Three years under glass! @ The lady doesn’t mention his "height, nor his temperament 4” which must be somewhat ot . Y « hot nature associated with Bedded Out; or, ‘Cometh up as a Flower!” the Sunny South. THE SYSTEM. “Tord CHarnLes Beresronp says, indeed, that the fault is not theirs, that of the system.”’— Times. Wuatr is it, when the Country facts appal, And men for explanation loudly call, Delays, impedes, and paralyses all ? The System ! What is it makes our training course effete, And leaves us, should a foreign foe we meet, To face him with a makeshift patched-up fleet ? he System ! What, spite the ample millions it obtains, The public clamour seornfully disdains, And takes good care the Navy nothing gains ’ The System ! What is it hoards up useless stores by tons, What falsifies on measured mile the runs, And turns out fighting ships without their guns ? The System ! And what, if peace to war by chance give place, And bring us and our dangers face to face, Would launch on us a national di ne F The System ! So what should Englishmen, without a doubt, While yet they ’ve time to know what they're about, Destroy, tread under foot, smash, trample out ’ The System ! “ Hompvnerxe Tae.” —Last season H.R.H. the Prince of Wars found that allthe American Dudes at Homburg were sinoerety Battering him by closely imitating his costume, whatever it might be. But a genuinely happy thought occurred to H.R.H. He arrayed himself, so the Liverpool Post informs us, in hideous attire, the like of which was never seen in Tweed or out of it. The Dudes were done, and in bucketsful. ‘‘ Thunder,” as the stage-directions have it, ‘is heard H.R.H. bears the distinguished title of the Prince of Wiles.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ( CHARIV ARI. Se “sh 1 es yer a“ Bary “St ite Visitor. ‘‘ WHAT A ROARING Head Waiter at The Ge TraDE THE HoTets WILL vorge, °° OUT OF TOWN. (UNFASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.) BE BLESS YER, SiR, THEY ALL DOIN‘ Lor wo! BRING THE “IRREPRESSIBLE CHINEE” An expa cand new application of the neatest tf American Nursery Rhymes.) Prne-Wrna, the Pieman’s Son, Was a troublesome chap from far Canton. Wander he would, and wherever he went He raised up ructions and discontent. Like e li ttle An Srp, with his “‘ yukakan! He *‘ velly much bothered um Melican man.” Prxva-Wya, like little Am Srp, Was a cute little yellow-faced Chinee kid ; And, like his compatriot, sly Am Srv, He had "tri cks that are dark and an eye to the To s rape and store it afar he’d roam, But he always wanted to spend it at home. Prxc-Werve he could “‘ terribly toil,” A sleek-faced slave—till he'd sacked the spoil. Then Prxye- Wye, the Pieman’s Son, Would hook it homeward to far Canton, And live in comfort and cut a dash At the West’s expense with the West’s hard caso. | Prnc-Wervea, with his saffron face, Played it rather low down on the Western race | For he quick And never resented the snub or kick And the West conceived it could play and worked so cheap and he worked so rest was Prxe-Wixe worked for it. Innocent est Pine-Wuye he would wash and scrab, Whilst the Western male abhors the tub, He would slave and save, and live upon rice, Which to Western molars is not so nice. So the wise West chortled, and argued thus ‘* This yaller Nigger ’s a useful cuss!” Sut the Western wiseacres didn’t quite see The whole of the game of the Heathen Chinee; And when they twigged Prye- Were his plan, It fearfully fluste the *‘ Melican man,” And raised no end of a hullabalioo In the land of the bounding kangaroo. Aun Sip, when a bee by mistake he got, on um Melican butterfly velly much ot,’ So the Melican man and the Cornstalk bold Soon found Prxe-Wrve was too hot to hold, And, despite his patience and power of work, Prxe-WIné isn’t wanted too near New York. The Congress found that the Pieman’s Son Had much better keep to his own Canton ; That his shifty fingers and saffron skin Might suit Hong-Kong or might fit Pekin, Or any abode near the Chinese Wall ; But were not wanted in ’Frisco at all. Though Prxe- Wve toiled, and was meek and | mild, Chinese cheap labourers domiciled ’Twixt the Pacific and the Atlantic Were quickly driving the Yankee frantic. Diplomacy saw it were clearly best To speed Prne-WIne as a parting guest. Bat Prve-Wrve, the Pieman’s Son, Is a dogged critter not easily done. }, WITH ALI | ve ellous being in whose —_—_ [Serremper 15, 1888, THESE Houipay Fo.k!” roetn NOSEBAGS WITH ” "eM ! The wild W est wanted his neck in the noose Of ‘* Heads I win, (pig) tails you lose.’ But the Treaty shaped that wish to gratify, Celestial cuteness refused to ratify. So Senator Scort he ups, and he, Like Buu Nye, ‘goes for that Heathen Chinee.”’ The Western World for the issue waits, But all about the Pacific Coast States You may hear men singing of Chinese crime To this newest shape of a Nursery Rhyme :— ‘* Prve- Weve, the Pieman’s Son, Was a troublesome cuss from far Canton. He laboured hard, and he lived on rice, But his tricks were dark, and his tastes not nice. He burnt the Convention, and then said he, ‘Me wonder whar dat ae be!’” *DOUBLING.” In the case of WoopwortH v. SUGDEN, reported last Saturday, Mr. Justice Denman is sapeten to have asked— “Ts Mr. Sucpen advertised to appear at both Theatres to-morrow night ? Mr. Bramwell Davis. Yes.” What a wonderful man! What a mar- weird existence the laws of time and space are annihilated, and the powers of the Chancery Division have |actually to be invoked in order to restrain | Mr. SuapEN from appearing in two places at ’ nce.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Sepremper 15, 1888. .\\ ZA Ny ii, iN, /Yf) Wy, “ 4 He Miah , Yi, Ty MY" Merz = * ly, Wh, i fi i, Yh Wh Ml 4 Vy) Y Yy, LEER a i) Wii Yr nae \ \ “Pa SLTMG; on a FizB - eee Vd hip, hii tiyy ‘ ’ a ll od 7 PESTS CL tp Oe I “<7, Mf /f4 WUE LYUET Uy

NICE. IN, ‘ES NOT D HE, | American Nursery Rhyme revised. ‘ANT LIVED ON RI AND HIS TAS’ AND THEN SA BE!’” D HE N’S SON, JARK, ‘USS FROM FAT AN ( A CONVENTION, WHAR DAT TREATY THE PIEMA ** PING-WING, WAS A TROUBLESOME HE LABOURED HARD, BUT HIS TRICKS WERE HE BURNT THE ‘ME WONDER

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niy a gin | Dance of ht is clear] secret of Uecasl talse 8a “Ha! f | pattern, situatior 3 a Vel | sive sce! | renderec | latter I | Mrs. T: white, | provems Imperso romanti virtues LADY Seabrow be the « cealed 1 wife of As I having DY the 18 & jar Seabro the kn of the : toward Copter requir trom t Mone Mel great action it hay * hea clima: which

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—— | | | | | | is clearly told, and the acting is excellent—herein is the open | will be, for many hundred nights. When th SepreMBER 15, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 129 PLAY-TIME AT THE HAYMARKET. Not by any means a model of construction, conventional in its gue and action, with scarcely a line worth remembering, with a glimmer of comedy-humonr here and there in the characters of | Lady Betty and old Seabrook, and with one strong dash of misplaced burlesque melodrama in the of the Butler, , pont is con- y damaged y the absence of topical song and dance, d /a Lesiie, as Jonathan Wild— with all these de- fects, and in spite of them, Captain Swift is, in itself, a Drama of powerful dramatic interest, and so admirably acted all round, that it holds an audience enthralled from the rise to the fall of the Curtain. The story aia } lo ly on a Dance of the Victim Master and Demon Butler, as (it ought to be) performed at the T.R. Haymarket. | secret of its success, for success it must have already achieved. | false starts—which with me by some conventional melodramatic starta— lodramatic asides of the old-fashioned “Ha! that face!” or, ‘* Ha! that voice!” ‘‘ Strange!” ‘‘’Tis he!” pattern,—wrongly supposed to be necessary for emphasising ‘‘a situation,’—Mr, Brersonm Tree’s Wilding, alias Captain Swift, is a very fine performance. Certainly, the touching and impres- Occasionally marr sive scene of the farewell in the last Act could not Vg | be better | R rendered than it is by Mr. and Mrs. Beersnonm Tree; indeed, the latter I have never yet seen to so great advantage. I do not think Mrs. TREF ever suc in her “make-up” for the stage,—too white, I should say. But to find fault is easy, to suggest the im- provement is difficult. There is a great natural charm in Mrs. Trer’s impersonation of the otherwise conventional character of a love-sick, romantic young lady. The faults of this part are the author’s ; its virtues the actress’s. Lapy Monckton is heart and soul in the very trying part of Mrs. Seabrook. She seems to be oblivious of the audience, and actually to be the character she impersonates. The art is less completely con- cealed than in that exceptionally finished ormance of hers as the wife of Jim the Penman. But this again is the author’s fault. As I consider it all round, I must own that I do not remember ever having seen a piece so li above the commonplace and conventional by the talent of the actors, as is this pla of Captain Swift. There is a jarring note in the scene in Act ITI., feswoes Wilding and Mrs. Seabrook, and it is this:—the audience share with Mrs. Seabrook the knowledge that she is Wilding’s mother. Wilding is in ignorance of the fact ; so that when Mrs. Seabrook makes affectionate advances towards him, the unscrupulous Bushranger would see in this what i Hawksley saw in Mrs. Sternhold’s affection for him ; thatis, additional profit and safety out of this middle-aged woman’s vanity. The audience, undoubtedly, must take this view of the scene, and so, when Mrs, Seabrook sits on the sofa, and says, in a comparatively light and airy tone, ‘Come and sit beside me,” there is a titter through the house just at a critical moment when the scene, which requires the most delicate handling by the actors, without any help trom the author, can least bear it. I fancy both Mr. Tree and Lady Monckton will agree with me on this point. Melodramatic music played throughout the dialogue of this same great scene in Act IIT. is, emphatically, a mistake ; it interrupts the action, and distracts the attention, tires the audience, and hence it happens that the e ing song of Mrs. Trer’s, subsequently heard without,” which should be so effective, becomes an anti- cimax. This Act should have ended with the exit of Wilding, which should have been simultaneous with the last note of the song, | and the fall of the Curtain. The letter-reading is another anti-climax. Miss Lectercg attempts too much with the very common-place and, tor her, very poor and uncongenial part of Lady Staunton, who, after all, is a mere type of the ‘‘e mte,” or ‘‘ Charles his friend,” in petticoats. In make-up, Mr. Tree, Mr. Mack ry, and Mr. Kemsie and Captain Hawksley ; it is singularly pointless in an analogous seene between Mr. Gardiner and Captain Swift. Since Mr. Toote made The Butler a popular character on the stage, there has been a run on butlers, Nowadays, no piece is per- fect without a butler in it of some sort, comic, tragic, melodramatic, or demoniac. It is this last type that Mr. C. Happow CHamnens has selected for his play of Captain Swift. Mr. Happon must have had butler on the brain,—ean he affirm that he Haddon’t ?—as the gro- | tesque demoniac character has so little to do with the essence of the L plot, that he may be at once set down as superfluous. This Superfluous [Demon Butler, as impersonated by Mr. Brooxrrery with genuine burlesque melodramatic humour, just gives the necessary comic relief to the play. When Captain Swift is ron] making a bag of himself |in September by blowing out his brains off the stage, it is a pity that | the comic countryman Detective (new type, created and patented by | Mr. Cuartes ALLAN), and the helpless old Foozle, capitally repre- sented by Mr. Kema_e (another version of Brother Potter, » he om Still Waters), should not have descended all together by a trap licensed to hold three comfortably, with the Superfluous Demon Butler standing over them ; and ps, if there were room in the trap for four, I should add Lady Betty to the group. ‘he Demon Butler, who is made up rather after one of the acro- batic Grrarps, disappoints every one by not sliding over the tables and chairs as a genuine GrkaRD would certainly ‘hove done. He is, as I have said, Superfiuous; all the use he can be put to is to help the Detective, and, as far as that goes, the Detective, ‘from information received,” could get on just as well, even better, without him. Unless the Demon Butler has a prologue, | an entr’acte topical song and dance, and an epilogue, with final dis- | appearance down a trap-door, he will always be ‘‘ superfluous ”’ as long |as Captain Swift shall run, which ought to be, and I sincerely hope e inevitable Country |Company go on tour with Captain Swift, the superfluous Demon | Butler might be played without words by a clever pantomimist, and | called the ‘‘ Dumb Waiter.”” This would be at once economical and effective. Every lover of good acting should go and see Captain | Swift, on the recommendation of Jack IN THE Private Box. ALDERMANO ITALIANO. At the Guildhall. Prosecution by the National Vigilance for publishing Boceaccio’s ‘* Decameron,” “*The book,’ said Mr. Avony for the defence, ‘had been in publication for over 400 years, and at the present time there were three copies of the work in the English language in the Guildhall Library, and about 200 in the British Museum.’ Mr, Alderman Pxriirrs, who had previously mentioned that he had read The Decameron, both in Italian and English, said he did not intend to send this case for trial, because he did not for a moment believe that a jury would convict. The case was then dismissed.”——Daily Telegraph. Rather a change from what would probably have happened some forty years ago, in the good old days of Jouw Leecn’s and Dicky Doyir’s Aldermen, when there were Corporations within the Great Corporation ; when no Alderman could have been alluded to physically as a No-body, when Wenison was their Wittles, and Tuttle was their only soup, and like Sir John Falstaff, they ‘‘ babbled,”’ not of ‘* green fields,” but of ‘‘ green fat.” In those good old days, had this case come before Mr. Alderman and Sheriff Guzzier (of the firm of Boozer, SwWILLy AND GuzziER, Portsoken Ward), the report mighthave been on this wise: Alderman. Fh? TD. Cawenon? Dowatp Cameron, of course. — Counsel (explaining). The Decameron of Boccaccio, your Worship. Alderman. Ah! I didn’t catch his titlke—DonaLp Cameron of Bock—what was it? There’s a Cameron of Loch Something, and \there’s a CAMERON in the Ward, a most respectable Councillor and | Vintner. Counsel (further explaining). No, Mr. Alderman, this is a Book. Alderman. A Book?—eh? Oh, not Bock. Book? DowaLp Cameron, of Bookeadgers, did you my ? And so forth. And then the publisher would have been fined, and the editions confiscated. And now, ‘‘on a changé tout cela,” as the \Belgian Lonp Mayor would say, and be immediately under- stood by more than one decorated Deput y. Did the prosecution of the Zora translations come before Alderman Puariiirs? No doubt he has put his knowledge of the French language to as good a purpose as he has his proficiency in Italian. Pity that he didn’t | have the opportunity of saying, ° I’ve read all these in the ahem— lin the original French (applause in Court, immediately suppressed by the usher), and I really do not think that a jury, who couldn’t possibly possess my educational advantages, ought to have a chance | of convicting,—as I am sure they will, if I send the ease for trial.” That’s the sort of Alderman and Sheriff. ‘Sheriff thou art, and Sociely are perfect. Having naturally alluded to Captain Hawksley, would ask why | shalt be more hereafter!” All hail, Future Lord Mayor! The pt the wall-wern business of the cigai-lighting from Still Waters expiring Mayoralty wants a few little Italian olives, just to give it run Deep? It was highly effective in the scene between John Mildmay | some fillips.

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— 130 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serremper 15, 1888, THE WOLF AT OUR DOOR, = A Morality from Norse Mythology. | [In the Norse Mythology, the Wolf Fenris (Crime), rages for food in the precincts of Asgard. Ultimately, the Sword-god Ty, loaded Fenris with the chain Gleipner, and thrust a shar sword into his mouth, to prevent him biting more. Thus, say, the legend, is Crime, which threatens to corrupt the human race, bound by the apparently slight fetters of Law, and as the power lof the Wolf was broken by the Sword, that of Crime is kept under by the awards of Justice.] WantTep a Gleipner! ’Tis very plain That the Wolf ‘s abroad and has slipped his chain; For the ruthless red-fanged savage, In square, in street, and in sordid slum, Strikes Justice helpless, and terror dumb With his cruel unchecked ravage. Law and Order? The catch-word slips With ease complacent from canting lips. The Law that TabenMe last mite exacts, The Order that silence for sorrow enacts, These claim the world’s solicitude ; For Property ’s timorous, Wealth would tread In peace a quiet its wine-press red, And Culture ipelaie with a querulous dread From viclence and vicissitude ; But Law alert at the poor man’s hest And Order that giveth the humblest rest, Are these high matters the soul to vex Of Statesman Y Z, or Policeman X. ? Could Tyr the Sword-god from Asgard come To a West-end waste or an East-end slum, Could he take a stroll when the night falls dark Through Poverty’s pleasaunce or People’s park, What would the Norse-god say? Why this. ‘It is fearsomely clear that the Wolf Fenris, As erst in Asgard olden, a Is ‘waked by the moon and wants something to eat!’” | True the Law, in blue, is about on his beat, Sut the echo far of his falling feet MARRIAGE EVIDENTLY NOT A FAILURE. At the distant end of the dusky street, The Wolf doth but embolden. His jaws are wide, and his teeth are white, His eye is watchful, his tread is light, Joan (to Darby, who is getting stout). ‘‘ Let wg Tre 1T For you, DaR.tne.” A SERIOUS QUESTION, The keen curst creature, a hideous sight! Is it not within the bounds of probability that to the highly-coloured pictorial _ Alone, or hungrily herded advertisements to be seen on almost all the hoardings in anten, vividly repre- His play his death, and his life is prey. senting sensational scenes of murder, exhibited as ‘‘ the great attractions” of Nay, bold from custom he braves the day, certain dramas, the public may be to a certain extent indebted for the horrible In the silent waste or the narrow way, | | crimes in Whitechapel ? We say it most seriously ;—imagine the effect of these And snatches sudden whate’er may stray | gigantic pictures of violence and assassination by knife and pistol on the morbid Beyond reach of the weapon wherewith—they say— imagination of unbalanced mind. These hideous picture-posters are a blot on Law’s vigilant guard is girded. | our civilisation, and a disgrace to the Drama. That Wolf, in faith, hath a shifting face : | ey ~ oe you woe peer % ATS "= wr . 7 — nd blood-greed red and ruthiess, LEGISLATIVE WORK AND WAGES. But now ’tis a visage of youth; anon Ix proof that the ‘‘ Payment of Members,” if now legalised, would be no The brute-boy’s beetling scowl is gone, novelty, ‘‘Scaccartus” sends the Zimes the subjoined extract from the And you shudder and shrink as you look upon Exchequer records during the period of the ‘‘ Long Parliament” : Hag-age, hell-eyed, and toothless. “ Received by mee, Joun Merrick, Knt. of Tuomas rrFAULCONBRIDGE, Esq., Receiver Nothing of harpy or gruesome ghoul Genl. of the Revenue, the some of ffiftie twoe for my weekly allowance of fower pounds as That fiction shapes in its visions foul, a Member of the Comone House of Parliamnt due for one quarter of a yeere ended at Naught of fiendish in form or glance | Michas. last 1645. By warrant from the Committee dated 25th of October 1645. I say Dreamed in the broodings of wild romance, received £52. “Jo, Meyrick.” Ever took horror of eviller shape. It were superfluous to observe that Mr. Meyrick could not even spell his own Gorgon’s rival, Chimera’s ape name, merely because he appears to have spelt it in different ways. Even the This Protean wolf-maw’d creature. Divine WriiraMs himself did that. But suppose the Legislature were in these Sullen and sinister ruffian now, days to decree the award of pay to Honourable Members of the House of Anon with a wanton yet womanly brow, Commons for their attendance in Parliament, and required them to give a receipt Again the monster doth mop and mow for the money, wouldn’t it be more than possible that some of the ‘* Representa- With childish form and feature ; tives of Labour” (to whom wages might be an object) would pretty nearly Yet wolfish ever, and wolf all through, = reproduce the deviations from the Dictionary remarkable in the foregoing This new Fenris of an Asgard new. F transcript ? A man’s a man for a’ that. Of course, a good deal depends on how But in sage in ermine, or man in blue, T much ‘‘ a’ that” might be. And an able but unlettered politician would need We scarce discover the Sword-god true, 0 hardly declare, as the principal character in some old farce, when taxed with his Our Wolf to seize and shackle. V orthography, used to say,—** It isn’t the orthography that I care about, but it’s The “* Underground People,”—so it is said,— 0 that dashed spelling.” Prepared a chain for their Thing of Dread, T wue, ** small - sli \ as a silken thread,’ Reportep py G. Osp-nwe M-ne-y, on “ Toe Ormer G. 0. M.”—‘ Mr. G.” yas strong as steel, and heavy as lead, has enjoyed some uncommonly deep-sea-fishing sport in the recess, with Sprats Which gagged the maw, and which stayed the treed g to poe Wales. Of the Fenris Wolf. Wake Tyr from the dead, . Our lupine foe to tackle ! ‘ _ | SOclaLisM AND Tiomt-Lactne” are incompatible, morally. For the Socia- Our ‘‘ Underground People,” whom we expect, | be list theory tends to the loosening of all bonds. To—Tyr would laugh at the word !—** detect, ads

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SerremBer 15, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 15. > Ck to CROSSING THE CHANNEL. Giappy went to Tarry’s house, To give his tongue relief. Giappy, when in Tarry’s house, r = For all their mystery, somehow fail | Sheep.” We have to swallow quite enough Of follow the slot, or to track the trail Fog already without being forced to accept as wie Protean Wolf, or his steps restrain a daily dish, ‘‘ Cold Shoulder of Mutton with o Soe bat terrible Gleipner chain ; | Fog Sauce!” Boat stewards could vary their Thought himself at home ; 1 Ww + M “ge v . d Sea- , , rust athwart his merciless maw, menu with ‘‘ Chops of the Channel and Sea But Tarry, fearing party rouse, The sharp, strong sword of unfailing Law. (fog pie.” _ With him picked a bone Tae Cominec WmNTER.— te | NEW NURSERY RHYME. GLappy went to Tarry’s house, Speculator has yet come eect page me Gy | (Not Sung at the late Eisteddfod.) And his say he said ; ment in the York Herald of Sept. 4, 1888 :— Tarry was a Welshman, But oh! he needed all his nous, TO LET, 8 Acres of FOG, to be eaten with GLappy was a chief ; Two zealotries to wed.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Serremnen 15, 1888, ; * ~ oor ' _ arms were tattooed after a decidedly modern fashion. Then came ‘ SHE-THAT-OUGHT-NOT-TO-BE-PLAYED ! ” gorgeously apparelled dame, he, from her proneness to a A Story of Gloomy Gaiety. | without danger of a in a tone that might mean a fortune . ss to a curate reading the funeral service) what seemed to me to he Part I.— Led by the Nose. |lengthy leading articles on more or less interesting subjects, and I HAVE agreed to write down my terrible experiences. A will! from her fondness for, and power of keeping well in the limelight stronger than my own desires it. [ can but obey. If I could, I| I recognised as ‘‘the One who must be obeyed.” And the lady i, would refuse. For I had hoped to have done for ever with the | the limelight stabbed the ancient Greek with the modernly tattooed novelist who re- arms, and the Curtain fell for the first time. It would ene been vels in gore. v + better for my peace of mind if the Curtain (so far as that evening Moreover, I have . > ae was concerneé d had fallen for ever! But no; I had to suffer fo, quite forgotten the : hours longer! Suffering to be heard through the years—heard incidents of the through the years! particular book Part II1.—Seen by the Eyes. that has been I wasin Hotty’s Rooms at Cambridge. Hotty, I found, wearinga dramatised by ’ maroon-hued velvet coat, and puce-coloured black-striped trousers! pesanenen, and And then came the infliction of inflictions! Jon, the would-be comi then “ Te-written : servant! Oh, how hard it was to bear! How hard! Even now, | and adapted” by shiver and turn cold when I think of him! They were joined, thes an author, a stage ; ; strange ones, by the ancient and portly Greek with the modernly e tattooed arms. This last was now p mean A in a rather horsey costume of the nineteenth century; and then a strange thing happened. Without contradiction he Pee | in spite of his portliness pe appearances distinctly arguing to the contrary that he was only five- and-twenty! Then this trio examined a box, and in the boredom that followed, a feeble glimmer of recollection of having read something somewhere like it before floated through my weary mind. Then the trio got on a Dhow of peculiar construction, and there was a mutiny and the stage became very dark. Then a strange thing happened. The crew, seemingly with considerable exertion, pulled the ship to pieces, and then drew a carpet over the remains. And the carpet was violently agitated, and the trio reappeared in a boat, and in the dis- tance was the painting of the head of a comic negro! And a sense of deep relief filled my soul as the Curtain descended and allowed me to see no more! Oh, the weariness of that which had been seen by the eyes—-seen by the eyes! Part IV.—Caught on the Cheek. Then came several hours in the land of Kor. I have a recollection | of a lady wearing white muslin and a serpent, who wandered about always, always, in the limelight. I fancy she must have spoken for a very long while. And the ancient and portly Greek in the horsey clothes and tattooed arms, he, too, seems to have had a great deal to say. And I recall to mind an old man who got a laugh by calling the person in the puce-coloured and black-striped trousers *‘a baboon.” And I have a vision too of some mild dancing by a small and select corps de ballet. And then I have standing out distinctly in my mind the black shadow of the greatest bore of them all. Jos! Jon! Jos! Oh, the feeble “‘jokes,’’ oh, the melancholy ‘‘ wheezes!” And | know that there must have been several scenes, even if there were but little action. Stay, did I not see Hotty dangling in mid air, supported by an iron wire attached toa hook? But my mind seems to have partly slumbered until I came to ‘“‘ The Cavern of the Fire of Life.’ Ah, I remember it well. It was an unusual cavern, and | now and again there was a whistle that somehow or other recalled “* She-that-must-be-obeyed.” to me the joint forms of the stage-manager and the prompter, and then followed a rumbling noise attended by a puff of steam, that suggested to me a suburban laundry on a slack washing-day. And at length the lady (who, I gathered, had lived for more than two thousand years in the limelight), divested herself of most of her white muslin and all of her serpent, and disappeared in the fumes of the suburban laundry. And immediately there was some shouting, and a pleasantly-fat person in grey rags and a white wig staggered in from the wings and fell on the stage, and was soon hidden from view by the distinetly welcome Curtain. And there was applause Then a young lady in a costume of masculine cut, walked across the | manager, and a lady with the sometimes frequently-reiterated name | of Clo. My memory is a blank, save that I have a feeling of gentle pain, as | indistinctly recall a prosy leader-spouting sorceress, who, to the best of my recollection, befor dying turned into a monkey, and a man who was called HoLty, to give opportunities for the per- | petration of mild puns upon his name, and a terrible bore, called Jon. Ah, yes, I seamen the last! A nightmare, a horrible nightmare! feebly humorous, insipid beyond conception, stupid to the last | degree! And was I to see all this? Oh, horror! Led by the nose! Part Il.—Heard through the Years. stage, accompanied by an elderly gentleman. And more applaus Let me quickly get through my task. I was in the Temple of the | followed, and various members of the cast crossed the stage, iodede Drama devoted to this fearsome work. I saw around me faces that| of the lady of the limelight. And then a strange thing happened. I had seen before. In a large box, apparently inconve niently | The me person in a pince-nez, in the apparently inconveniently | crowded, sat, or rather perambulated, a pale person in a pince-nez, | crowded private-box, suddenly appeared in the front of the /oge alone, | | who seemed to take the greatest possible interest in the proceedings. | and began to address us. He told us that he believed the piece wé | This pale person in the pince-nez fairly fascinated me, and, when I | had just sat out with so much weary patience would Ld wits | was weary of looking at the stage (and I confess I was often, very|a few alterations, an exceedingly fine play,” and said something often weary), I fixed my gaze upon him. And then a wonderful | complime ntary about the performance of the lady in the limelight. | thing happened. Whenever I glanced at him, whatever might have| And this was the great comic effect of the evening! The speaker been the provocation—however dull and prosaic and profitless may | who thus praised the story I was told was the author of the story | have been the dialogue,—I never found him asleep! himself ! Caught on the cheek! Caught on the cheek! ‘Caught | But to my task,—a bitter one. I saw before me the interior of a | on ’’—the cheek / Palace, that somehow wee to me A — — —_ Ther: - — 2 was one striking article of furniture, a modern reading-desk, that . seemingly had become petrified into stone for the oceasion. Then I Doctrine v. Deed. noticed a man called the Keeper of the Queen’s Records, and those ‘* Larssez-PAIRE !”’ cries caustic BRAMWELL. Records I diseovered were three Deeds, looking with their seals about He can scourge a sumph or sham well ; two thousand years younger than they were represented to be. Then a But one law at least is there: | portly’person appeared, dressed as an ancient Greek, save that his He can’t yield to,— Laissez-faire ! ———— sé CH NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whethe: MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this there will be no exception.

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SURE, OF SEE LONDON CHARIVARI—Serrmaan 16, 1608, Bathe dias fron tooKe be Gk ere . ; = ‘7 i f * > be ts “¢ - WON’T WASH CLOTHES. Makes Makes Makes Makes Makes Cleans Copper i Wind Paint Brass and tke ~~ look Marble like Polishes Gold. Silver. Crystal. New. White. Mirrors. Everything. Sold by Grocers, Ironmongers, and General Dealers throughout the Country. If not obtainable near you, send 4d. in stamps for full-size Bar, free by post; or 1s. for Three Bars, free by post (mentioning “‘ Punch”), to B. BROOKE & CO., 36 To 40, YORK ROAD, KING’S CROSS, LONDON, N. wise. | CODY? c Tea Ponoata EFRY'S PURE FLOR DE JAVA ‘Tonga = CONCENTRATED COCO A Bats FLOR DE JAVA “y constter tt very rich allelous Coose,”—W. 2 tasEsy, wp. | “ SARE, 904 185 Copsvoiae.

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PUNCH, ovar” 8 “Erow” Sore SCHOOL OUTFITS. OR THE LONDON Messrs. leges, Schools, Ac. school and every-day dress. CORK DISTILLERIES COMPANY THE BEAUTY or ro. SKIN “ENHANCED BY SIX, PRIZE, MEDATS EOR Shee Pte Sean bycasy- sb: Fares Pas Medals Cork lem “VERY fine, full flavor and ood Spirit.”.Juror’ aw Centennia: Exhibition ere, “TJ NQUESTIONABLY as fine & specimen as OF@ could wish to see. Jurors Award, Cork Exhibition, lass THIS FINE OLD IRISH W HiBKY may be hed of tae principal Wine end Kpirit Dealers and is supplied to whole tele merchants in casks and cases by CORK _DISTILLERIES COMPANY , MORRISON'S ISLAND, CORA, COLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1873. KI NAHA N’S “THE CREAM Pt RE MILD, AND aa Whishies” 1 euic 100 A ym WHISKY. THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865, , GREAT TITCH FIELD STREET, LONDON, W BURCOYNE’S Custralien WINES. TINTARA, BRANXTON BURGUNDY, HIGHERCOMBE, J. EXSHAW & 60'S FINEST OLD BRANDY. per dog. in Cases as in ported p aod tn & Co., M8, Regent Street, W eT Wh OLEBOM R. For Gas, Steam, Water TUBES.-..2%.. and Heating Purposes, Galvanised or White Enameiied inside, In stock te 6 in. diameter. Cocks, Valves, &c Joux Sraxcen, Globe Tube Works, Wednesbury; and 4, Gt. 8t. Thomas Apostie, London PETER ING'S HEER GOLD MEDAT Galaaiah am oiat Wiens POUDRE D'AMOUR (Prepared by Picaap Feasarzs, Parfumeur« A Toilet Powder ye every desiderstum, Hygienic and Cos , for ify ing and soften- ing the Skin. it will te equally welcomed by all, for imparting a most natural fraicheur to the complexion Gentiemen will find it most soothing and pleasant for use after shoving. In three tints; Blanche for fair skins, Naturelle for derker complexions, and Rachel for use by artificial light Price is. Hy Post, free from observation, \s. 3/. To be had of all Hairdressers, Chemists, &c Wholesale Depot: B. ROVENDEN & SONS, tl awp 3. BERNERS STREET, W Ani 9i\—0), CITY ROAD, E.C., LONDON MAPPIN & WEBB'S SPOONS & FORKS BALL- POINTED PENS. (H. HEWITT’S PATENT.) As used by H.R.E. the Prince of Wales. These Pens neither scrateh nor spurt, but glide over the roughest paper. They bold more ink and last Bix sorte, eultabie batt, sald, or or profes one Aye A 4. id agra mea ORMISTON s GLASS, Edinburgh. ADAMS’S FURNITURE POLISH. THE OLDEST AND BEST. * Zus Queue” (the Lady's Newspaper) “ eels no Bold ~ Grocers, i Oilmen, &e. Manufactory—VALLEY ROAD, SHEFFIELD. SAMUEL BROTHERS. TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS. SAMUEL BROTHERS respectfully invite an inspection of their Show Rooms by Parents and Guardians who Outfitting their Juvenile charges for any The requirements very many years engaged the closest Brotures, with the result that this ness has attained very large dimens ons, 6 Overcoats, Hosiery, Boots, &c., is fully met, and The Firm are the originators and sole proprietors styled the “WEAR-RESI*TING FABRIC” (Regd factured 'o withgtand the hard wear given CATALOGUE ~ POST FREE. & 67, LUDGATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. CHARIVARI—Seprremper 15, 1888. are desirous of of the Public or Private Col- of Youths and Boys have for attention of Messrs. Samus. mportant department of their busi- that e want in Suita, durable qualities ensured. of a special material, th t bas been mante- by Boys and Youths to their “ Cureteerietp” Ovencoat. “Care” pM Ovance ar Guaranteed by the use of HUNT'S FAMILY PILLS. Large numbers of people in robust health can testify to the ts trath of this assertion, having regulated them- selves —* by these Pills for over 50 years. One Pill will invariably relieve, and a little perseverance radically cure, either a Torpid Liver, Costiveness, Indi- gestion, Pains in the Back or Head, Influenza or Feverish Cold, Rheumatism. Lambago, Flatulency or Giddiness. THEY RESTORE BRIGHTNESS TO THE EYE, CLEARNESS TO THE COMPLEXION, SHARPNESS TO THE INTELLECT, AN ENERGY TO BOTH MIND AND BODY. To Ladies they are invaluable. Sold > where, in boxes, 1s. léd. and 2s. Od. Wholesale Agents, WILCOX rs CO., 239, Oxford Strest, London. Post-free. NERVOUS DEPRESSION, Debility, Rheumatism, Gout, Sciatica, Torpid Liver, Kidney Disorders, and every form of weakness may be speedily cured by wearing HARNESS’ ELECTROPATHIC Ro Shock or Discomfort whatever. Thousands of Testimonials. Pam phiet and Advice free. Cal DAY, if possible, or wr.te at once to Ma. C. B. HARNESS, Con- sulting Electrician, Medical Battery Co.,Ltd, 5 OXFORD ST., LONDON, W. SATURDAY. JOHN HAMILTON & 004 “SPECIALTY” GENTLEMEN'S UMBRE The Covers are made of good materials, put upon Paragon Frames Lock Ribs guaranteed of the very best # 6/- 8/- 10/6 14/- 2\ OF ALL TAILORS, HOSIERS 4 OUTFITTER. jon,—See that the name “Jow™ Ham ures bGa! is upon the Ribs, without which none ere eum Warrre ror ILtusTmareo Cincuu* TO THE MAKeRs, 7, PHILIP LANE, ce EVERY PUBLISHED ORNER OF RATHBONE PLACE. LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. In cor wate 7 Imitations 7A LEA & PERR J Rg, which are calculated deceive the Pabtle, Les & Penains beg to draw attention to the tet that each bottle of the Original and Genuin WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE bears thelr signature, thus— Lea iirnicg *.* Bold Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester, | Caosses & Biacawet:, London; and Export Vilmen generally Retail by Dealers in Sauces throughout the W orid. PERRY DAVIS VECETABLE PAIN-KVLLER a bottle to-day of PERRY DAViS’ PAIN- KILL ER, the Oldest, Best, and most widely-known Family Medicime in the Worid. it instantly Relieves and Cures Severe Scaids, burns, Sprains, Bruises, Pains ~ the Bide, Joints, Kheumatic Pains. 2/9 per bottie. Toothache, my and Limbs, and ali N ae Ar Any Chemist enn supply it at l/ljand SWIFT'S SPECIFIC is entire! y a Vegeta ey — lieved by Swift's Specific Mra Sanam Powsct, 39, Russell Street, 2 Road, West Gorton Manchester, writes — d “I suffered for many years with Cane * tongue, whieh came near putting me in the Ome I took Swift's Specific,and am now well—es and talk as well as any one. I owe ever 8.5.8. Iam ready to answer all questions 8.8.8.—Swift’s Specific, sold by a! ound Patent Motieine Dealers. None, posed ‘ bottle; Dry, 2s. per a of above price. Bend for Treatise on Bist Skin Diseases. Posted free. THE SWIFT SPECIFIC COMPA, %, SNOW HILL, LONDON, C wv? ° a ne prin , ————r ss net ae fk bam at , Holloway, in the Parish of #t. M Isl “ics Ging of Londen and Febiatens vp ti ot Be m, im the County of Middlesex, Py &, Fleet Street, lo the Parish of & Printing Offices of Messrs, Brad! . t Bride, City of London.—Sarvapar, , & On, Laman x 1b, 1688.

Page 181

“The genius of Leech has never been seen to greater advantage than Lt this 5 gallery. “ \ JO HN LEECH’S PI CTU R ES | ia) fered ton hdl Gc CAS bons OF LIFE AND CHARACTER. recognises to be his due.” HOLMAN HUNT IN “CONTEMPORARY REVIEW.” 3 Royal Quarto Volumes, price 10s. 6d. each; also in 1 Volume, price 28s, (BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., 8, 9, 10, Bouverie Street.. London, B.¢

> co fe) c 2 c w ie > w I 334¥HL 301d PUBLISHED 3ON3d VOLUME THE « oo NINETY-FIFTH. (eee — ‘ —— esos SEPTEMBER 22, 5 Se ae ae ; a a ST er Ue eg DUNC VOL. Xe ih. OPED AN. ah y es

cena a ips! uh "A ce sD) fi sy ” PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET AND 8OLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. ow wey — > SCHWLDT TABLE WATER QUEEN ano me PRINCE of WALES. Sales during 1887, 12,289,260 Bottles.

lina fide

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“THE “MATRIMONIAL HERALD AND | orig mai end only re ognised medium for Higs-jae Pp trod ur tions The \argest ond most successfai onal Agency in the World. Price O4.; in

Senses Tums ao Mr. Reseell's aim is to TO STOUT PEOPLE, |

PReDicaeTe, to of he sense and thal his treat- ment is the tue one seeme y siidoust. The medle ime he preecribes ™ ¥Oor LOWrER, SOT BOLLE UF 450 TONES TRE eV eTEe bio 6 peers) with recipe and notes how to pleasantly and rapidly cure Opperry (aversge reduction @ fret week is 3 ite.), post free # stamps Y. C. BUSSELL, Woburs Bouse, Store Street, Bedford Square, Londes, W.C. STUTTERING. le quick'y and thoroughly quae by the stablishment « ROBERT ERNST RER ITSD AMERSTR. 7 Prospe Se quate and post paid TO THE DEAF. DEAFNESS CURED. — A very resting 32 page lliustrated Kook on Deat nes Noises in the Head. How they may te cured et wrhome. Post ee,3¢ Address cno iford Square, London, WC “OUR NEIGHBOURS.” PARTRIDGE & COOPER, BTATIONERS, HE 192, "FLEET STREET.

I

Extablished for: Mutual * Jes 815.

QNDON: 28. CORNHI FOR YOU. FOR ‘ME. sue, Your Syst m ; Wens eet . ng A Sound Toax Tor DEBILITY, QUININE ) "riz NERVES

PICK UP OVER WOzE, it is

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ott adit SOLD EVERY WHERE na me> BEST & SAFEST DENTIFRICE | S0LD BY ALL CHEMISTS, AND PERFUMERS, IN ELECANT CRYSTAL The | TOILET CASKET Ritu aaa price 2/6. TOOTH ALSO IN PATENT lath Fy BETALUC BOX

fA pinay

PUNCH, ' FASHIONABLE MARRIAGE GAZETTE is the | | 444 —Addiems Editor, @ —ee

|| MERCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTERS, &c.,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —SepremBer 22, 1888.

VAN

HOUTEN’S PURE SOLUBLE C O C OA BEST & GOES FARTHEST. “It is admirable.’—BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL.

SAMUEL BROTHERS. Beys’ School Outfits. oo SAMUEL) LROTHERS have ready } for immediate use a very large assortment of Kors and Yourms’ Cictu ive They will also be pleased send upon application, Pat- Tease of Mare

ys. oF , together with their new iteversaresp

artments, — Price Lists ie steaes cx: | “ SANITAS” ve. Baorurss “Wear Kesist- | In ail cases of Fever

HOW TO

MAPPIN & WEBB’S wear of'centie| | DRESSING BAGS, DISINFECTANTS. &c.,apply to THE SANITAS ing” Fabrice CO., Limd., Bethnal Green, London, E., DISINFECT. | Da. PAGET'> Amerix ~s—— FS TEETE

OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST BCONOMICa: FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDy TO BE SOLD. aD MODERN covy. soe eae ences — BEECHWOOD Bova | li Apart MEnte), eter (ime in te, | + Ps yy er pom with Stables and other ‘ae | . il-stocked Garden, Shiubberies, &e is T of | SULD. Good Shooting and Pishing may be A and the district has few rivals in | historic intere-t parece a Apply to JAMES B. GREIG, LAt RENCERIRg ‘Df. PACGET, Surgeon Dents 445, Strand Pacing Charing

| without PLATES or PAL ATS, also by stmenphan pressure, explained in the Illustrated bampen post free. Consultations cally free trom io tu ;

THE NEW PERFUME. “WHITE GLOVER’ * Scent of White Clover came over the ie" WHITAKER & GROSSMITE, | 22, SILK *TKEET, CITY, LONDON 2s. 6d, Bold by Chemists, dc., or direct V CALLARD & BOWSER’S) CELEBRATED BUTTER-SCOTCH, S*REALLY WHOLESOME CONFECTIONERY,’ Lancet

SAMUEL BROTHERS, = | 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Loxvox, E.C. ~~.

Under the direct Patronage of H.M. The QUEEN. REaL GEtau From ail ashen from the Engli«h | Prith St. 8. ho ho 8q

PLEASURE TO US *KROPP :: E. Never Requires Grinding.

Mr. Hew. Iavixe writes “1 find y ‘a razors — lent. ,» Complete, Blar Handies 5/6 ; ee ory Handle, 7, AN HOLLOW-GROUND

roe = RAZOR.

My special ae and Imperial Warrant, Porveyor produces the be (JOLOEN HAIR —ROBARES AUREOLINE auuiu Goiden Coivour eo muca Pure Wool Fabries to the Roya! Families of | sdmired Warranted periectiy harmiess. Price Kurope and the Kank and Fashion of the W orid be. td. and Ms. 66., of all principal — and Chemists throughout the World. Agents, K. Hoves- | EGERTON BURNETT'S vas & Bons, 31 and &, herners Street, London, W. For Gas, steam, Water Hydreulic, and Heating Purposes; Ga eeniend or White Enameiled inside,

and Other acttensite Fabrics. in entirely New | In stock to 6 in. di Sstiatte Designs —w ~~ im Pure | Joux Srexcen. Glo

ameter. Cocks, Vaive«, ac be Tube Works, Wednesbury ; for the caning Uv assed jor an. i4, Gt. 8t. Thomas Apostle, London

nsurp Brasiy Novelty, and Sterling Value. - Admirabie des ~ Perfect Pinish.—Superd Fast Be ah ES UMBRELLAS. | Dre. The immense Variety of New Patterns com rise specialities te suit all Climates, all Fashions, and all purses. SUMMER PATTERNS POST FREE to any address. Any ! ength Bold Carriage Paid on Urders of Me and above to any part of the United kingdom ho Acents on Mipyte- Mew Eurtoren EGERTON BURNETT, Wellington, Somerset, England.

improvements (pr

Send stamp for exceptional qual oasis sina, W.C, | price over interi

eOX*Xa- "LIMITED SAMUEL FOX & CO., Limited, have added to their ce lebrated frames decided ected by Letters Patent), which give increased Stability and greater Neatness to the Umbrella SAMUEL FOX & CO., Limited, mann- <v facture the Steel specially for all their Chemists » frames, and are thus able to provide ity at a merely nominal r makes

TO SAVE THE TEETH, USE DAILY 2a. 6d, 40. Od, ane Sa. 6d. bottles. Beware of In} rnourcce. & “CAPPEE. Chemists, 66, Bold Street, Liverpool.

Warsarnoor). Watsaracor), For | THOMPSON & CAPPER’S DENTIFRICE WATER. urious Imitations. Piccadilly, Manchester

S & H. HARRIS'S HARNESS COMPOSITION EBONITE BLACKING Boots, Shoes, Harness, and all = : —_ Black leather Articles | SADDLE PASTE POLISHING PASTE. Watemrnooe) Foo Crsapime Merate amp (bass Bok! by all Bavitera, Grocers, and Ironmongers Manufactory: LONDON, B

2 THE Pn ert RICK COVER, Thateh without -trw or ih. teber Price from £3 108. Last Liretime. THOMAS HEY WOO?!), Col., s.r. ond m1 Hereford, writes:—* The two Patent K ck Comm with which you supplied me in June last give ever setisiaction. They have r: tained their poste spite of high wind, and I cunsider them + pe economy. as the hay cuts cut govd to the very ‘op instead of. as in the cxse of thatch, a certain port being of inierior quality.” Plerse write for List. Prices, #nd Testimoniss REDGLIFFE GROWN GALVANIZED 60. BRISTOL. _—

THE “PREMIE RAZOR STROPPING MACH! NE

Every Machine Guaranteed

‘Tested in every way, on razors keen sed re bines, the machine is rfection. There # trouble, science, or skill involved in its we °° merely fix your razor in the holder, edge wards, turn a handl. slowly for a few secon™ behold the weap n i- as keen—weill, jet wm!” razor should be."—}.xraacr or Txetronts 4. GUKDON, Winchester House, Olé 5 * treet, London, | | SODEN MINERAL PASTILLES Universally acknowledged the best remec for affections of the THROAT, CHEST, AND LUNGS They are specially recommended by “ greatest Medical Auchority, SIR MORELL MACKENZIE whose testimonial is affixed to each beg Of ad (Chemists at be 1)4., or Post Free , stamps, of POUGHN MINERAL PROD‘ 4) 10, Dren'’s Kuitprmes, Hotsoan, Lox vo ,

and polish remains, Sold every ©

Page 183

99 wy PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 133 f the Which Max rated by the pest. Louis entered the princi tending to take his b Late of Liverpool. es anced fai the t is the very paradise of the bourgeoisie. Always looks as if it had just had its hands and face washed. Wuittey, another cheap tri Liverpool, with hands behind his on his face, says it reminds him of . the rose just washed in a shower ¥ to ANNa conveyed.” (CowPER was the poet of Wurrtey’s childhood ; clings to him still.) - 18 an agglomeration of lodging-houses; 8. is a congeries of residences. In new part of the town, every house is detached ; everyone has a peaked roof ; everyone is built of red brick ; everyone has a grass plot in front; everyone has a little garden d; everyone is prim and clean, and passing the savings of a well spent life. ’ 8., though it rather looks down on the summer, since B. shares its attractions and its advantages, is not above entertaining the day- (Extracts from a Diary of Travel.) B. & 8. are nothing to drink. So Witrrm Lawson needn't “ rise B. is a rising town on Estuary of the Rubble. S jis a rising town on the other. B. looks down on 8. 8. loftily ignores Remember in days of earlier travel spending some time in town of St. Louis, U.S.A. Whiled away breakfast hour by reading what Kansas papers said of St. Louis, and what St. Louis journals said of Kansas. Month, Septem Coloured gentleman told off with big fan to every couple in coffee room; fan always goin brushing off flies, whi other. of the day turned on su ers denounced St. en coloured gentleman temporarily flies from surface of St. Louis local journal, I read dignified deprecation of distinction thrust *" We do not,” wrote the edi ‘deny an occasional fly in St. Louis; but there are times when the outlines of objects in the domestic economy of Kansas are literally oblite- Recently, a citizen of St. hotel in Kansas, in- ast. ‘ What have you got a black cloth on the table for?’ he asked the . ‘That’s nota cloth,’ said the bo i ing his fan. ‘ That’s fies.’ And so it was.” B. & 8. do not indulge in open recrimins:tion like St. L. and K. But they think the more. The favours of the Estuary water; S. all the sand. a fortnight. 8. sa ‘*Water for me,’ a on wheels, and careers madly over the dunes, B. puts to sea in pleasure-boats, steppin right off its own sea-wall, and smiles wi aggravating insolence at 8.’s argosies. B. hasa i within jealously led gates, accessible only to lordly residents. sun arranges matters so that it sets full in sight of the park. Only Ireland between B. and the boundless Atlantic. ‘*Treland in the way, as usual,” said CLavp Hamittox, who, when Member for Liverpool, sometimes visited B. But when it comes to the seasons, 8. has the d, st dishes ‘served and “T rise to Order.”’ tide twice a day; 8S. once othing like sand. 8. rigs up boats son. So has §., and a winter season into the bargain. At ie, B., people | F wee, In 8S. they dwell. **Good Americans manufacturing dis- ‘cents. Not before the (Naval and trippers. They come in thousands, every day from July through September. Oldham, Manchester, Wiese, Pesce. Live ~~ Bolton, Blackburn, Plocipest, ary in their tens of thousands from the teeming mills. ose that land at B., presently take steamer, cross over to 8., and return, grievously ill all the way. Those that land at 5., journey in the same way to B. Four hours they spend at either side, on sand or sea-wall. A pleasant sight to see. All dressed in their best. Mother and father, sons and daughters, and babies innumerable. As different from Margate as East from West. Quaint in speech, odd in man- i. ner, amazing in dress: all honest pale-faced working men and women, sniffing the fresh air and gazing on the unaccus- tomed scene with infinite gusto. 8S. knows ’Arry not, nor is B. acquainted with ’ARRrer. ** Like to see this, dear Tony,” said W. F. Lawrence, bowing gracefully to cheap trippers, who looked as if they might —_ be electors of the Abercromby ivision of Liverpool. ‘‘ Quite a change from Salisbury Plain, which I am more accustomed to frequent.” At B. came unexpectedly upon App1- son, Q.C., of Ashton-under-Lyne. Adds the last touch of genial attractiveness to the place. Pretty to see him standing on marge of Ocean, regarding its going and coming with friendly giance. Just the same here as in House of Commons. Apprson, Q.C., walks up floor, beaming impartially on crowded benches right and left. House smiles back on him, and before he reaches appointed place, and his portly person sinks into seat, murmur of welcoming cheer goes round. So it is at B. Apprson, Q.C., standing with hands in trousers’ pockets, and feet far apart, strides and smiles on the Irish Channel. Irish Channel returns friendly gleam of recognition ; App1son breaks into ripple of happy laughter ; and the sea roars back a delighted guffaw. Why this should be I don’t know, any more than why Appisow,Q.C., and House of Commons should always be smiling at each other. But so itis. B. and 8, still divided by Estuary of Shubble, are mo- mentarily united in happy effervescence while Appison, Q.C., ao ge on the prim sea-wall, looks across the Rubble at the yellow sands. ‘A Constituent, I presume !"’ TYPICAL TOPICAL STORIES FOR THE DEAD SEASON. REMARKABLE INCIDENT IN PALL MALL. Tue United Service Club (called by the Members of the Junior United Service Club ‘*‘ The Senior”) was closed for repairs. Taking vity upon their miserable position—cold and coffee-room-less—the Cenaities of the Athenzeum had asked the Members of the Senior to become for the nonce honorary guests of the more literary Club. The invitation had been accepted with avidity, and the staid-looking mansion standing at the south-west corner of Waterloo Place was crowded with elderly warriors belonging both to the Army and the Navy. As everyone knows, the Athenwum prides itself upon its Bishops. The Primate is, so to speak, the spécialité de la maison. But it was September, and few, very few, of the ordinary Members of the Athenwum were in Town. On the other hand, the invited warriors were present in abundance. ; It was in the Coffee Room. An opting scene was being acted. A waiter had produced an imperfectly cooked chop. The Generals and the Admirals were very wrath, and the use of the capital *‘ D” had become most fashionable. It was then that the Bishop of —— entered the Coffee Room, and, listlessly seating himself at a table, ordered a chop. He was composing a sermon, and was unconscious of the noise around him, At length the should-be succulent viand | was placed before him. He thrust his fork into it, and found that it was imperfectly cooked. He was about to utter an exclamation of anger when the steward interposed. ‘Nay, my Lord. Curb your eee tongue. See those inno- ilitary) boys!’ And suppressing an oath the good Bishop gave his blessing to the warlike throng, who sank on their knees to receive it. And it was at this point I awakened from my slumbers, and found that what I had witnessed was only a dream! ApPpROPRIATE CANTATA FOR THE NEXT “‘ FestrvalL or THE Tuer Quines.”—The Jackdaw of Reams. VOL. XCV. N

Page 184

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Suprmunen 22, 1868, WOOING THE AFRICAN VENUS. (Some way after Homer's Hymn to Aphrodite.) nwt . » . * . ‘ ie : Ny : =) ‘ : N . ‘) \S ‘i -_ —— A MOY [A Charter has just been granted to the Imperial British East Africa Company. This Company will now administer and develop a territory with an estimated area of about 50,000 square miles, including ‘some of the most fertile and salubrious regions of Eastern Africa. ] Tae force, O Muse, and functions now unfold | From all earth’s nations, Frenchman, Por- | Whose minds are mainly set upon that love: Of Afrie’s Venus, graced with miues of gold ; tagnens, [seas, The Briton, ud as Aigis-bearing Jove, Who e’en in Bismarck lights love's furious| From Yankee shores and from all Europe’s Who deems her indevirginate, her eyes | Adventurous patriots crowd to seek and share | Being black and burning, like her own fierce re, And makes all men woo her with hot desire. | Love of the Libyan Venus. Three there are skies.

Page 185

Sepremper 22, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

He for her preference will do all he can, Who never faltered in the face of man. Shunning not strife, or Mars his warlike banes, But much preferring Trade ; his artizans Taught all earth’s countries all the Arts that are Associate with things vehicular. The Teuton next, a stalwart suitor he, A trifle truculent, a mite too free, Holding all things in war and wooing fair, Hoping tomato cheeks and orange hair, By force of contrast, may avail to win The dusky Aphrodite —end her “‘ tin.” Thirdly, the broad Batavian, scant of grace, Who trusts a lucky “‘ start” in the love-chase Gives him such lead that they who run from scratch The lumpy ‘“‘ limit-man” may fail to catch. Others—the Frank, the Belgian—too there be, But just as Paris had the choice of three, So the Black Venus seems confronted now By three chief suitors. ; Swart yet stately brow To which one wilt thou bend in coy selection ? 0 coal-black Charmer, all thy swart perfection Of ebon-moulded limb and sable hair To the hot winds of torrid Libya bare, Witches the world as once, in style the same, “ The all-of-gold-made-laughter-loving-dame ’’— As Cuapman after Homer calls her—did At odorous Cyprus. Lifting languorous lid, Late late in the world’s history thou dost draw, As did the Paphian when her form men saw, Snow-white and rose-tinct from the waves arise. Thou art not snow and rose-lvaf to our eyes, But “‘ tawny-fronted,” like the Egyptian Queen ; Yet what strange ye charms are seen In thy most opulent blackness, that bewitch All modern men who would be loved—and rich. Homer—and CuapmMan—speak in diction bold Of ‘‘ Cyprian Venus, graced with mines of gold.” They write of one—but then ’twas not a man— ‘Whom all the gold of Venus never can Tempt to affect her with god or man.” Well, that was not Jonw But, but priggish Pallas— What man unto thy golden charm is callous, 0 ebon-skin’d, yet aureate Aphrodite ? But stay! Poetic flights should not be flight That deal with themes like goddesses and raf Who is the new Anchises, kingly bold, Whom rich-crown’d Afric Venus will approve, And dower with her profitable love ? Anchises with the Paphian had the pull, Shall it be so to-day with brave Joun Boi? It looks a little like it. See him stand, Love in his eyes, a Charter in his hand! Such strenuous wooing is most apt to win Women of mortal or immortal kin. The swarthy Siren whom all men desire Looks on him coyly, yet with eyes of fire. Teuton, Batavian, Frank will Venus shunt ? Well, Butt at least is fairly to the front.

PLAY-TIME AT THE COMEDY THEATRE. Waar the plot of Uncles and Aunts may be, I have only the vaguest idea. Everybody pretends to be some- body else, nobody is say boar =e, but the girls, iss VA Miss Cissy GRAHAME and NE FEATHERSTON—she isn’t in the least vain, I’m sure—are very pretty and lively, Mr. Peytey, with his wonderful make-up and his quaint silliness, is immensely funny, but the fun is distinctly limited to Mr. Pewter; and, with the excep- tion of the scene between Miss Maria Daty and Mr. Peytey in the Second Act, the situations of the piece contribute very little towards the amusement of the audience. There is one perfect piece of acting in it, unexaggerated, simple, un-selfconscious, thoroughly artistic both in bread I our most modern dramatis mr J. L. Toore began it, and every one knows what in detail, and this is Mr. . F. Hawrrey as Bates. And whois Bates? Well, before answering my own question, let me refer to what said last week about a sudden run on Butlers among sone. ‘* Kettle began it” ooLe’s Butler was. He was, per se, unique, inimitable. _ ~~ a Butler who, as a matter of fact, could only been tolerated as an old, attached, and very

| Be Y, | yas | . “Lip Ww <2 a. Ma

HEBREW MELODIES. Says AARON TO Moses, | Says Moses To AARon, ‘*A GARDEN oF Roses!” “ALL Roses or SHanon |”

eccentric servant, retained on account of long-valued service; as rara an avis as Sam Weller. But Mr. Hawrney’s Butler is all of the modern time, irreproachable in costume, quiet, and unobtrusive, speaking when spoken to, and only volunteering remarks when he is quite sure of the sort of audience he has got to appreciate them. Even then he flatters the vain, empty- headed, middle-aged Uncle, one of the family, b cmnaieny laughing at the latter’s stupid jokes. To see him carefully systematically clear away the breakfast things, fold the cloth, and walk out with the tray, is a study for all oung Actors whose chance for the future may lie in wreny | subordinate parts. Nothing is omitted; nothing is over-elaborated. Watch him when he comes in suddenly and finds his master in a most compromising situation with two young ladies. His bearing at the trying moment is not only a study for young Actors, but a lesson to Butlers of all ages. Mr. W. F. Hawrrey does not make a grinning idiot of his Butler,—pas si Bates. And let not only Pa’ see Bates, but Ma’ too, and the rest of the family, is the recommendation of Jack in THE Private Box. A DETECTIVE’S DIARY A LA MODE. Monday.—Papers full of the latest trageliy. One of them suggested that the assassin was a man who wore a blue coat. Arrested three blue-coat wearers on suspicion. uesday.—The blue coats proved innocent. Released. Evening journal threw out a hint that deed might have been perpetrated by a soldier, Found a small drummer-boy drunk and incapable. Conveyed him to the Station-house. Wednesday.—Drammer-boy released. Letter of anonymous correspondent to daily journal declaring that the outrage could only have been committed by a sailor. Decoyed petty officer of Penny Steamboat on shore, and suddenly im. Thursday.—Petty officer allowed to go. Hint thrown out in the Correspondence columns that the crime might be traceable to a lunatic. Noti an old gentleman purchasing a copy of Maiwa’s Revenge. Seized him. ' Friday.—Lunatic dispatched to an oe. Anonymous letter received, denouncing local clergyman as the criminal. Took the reverend gentleman into y= .—Eminent ecclesiastic set at iiberty with an apology. Ascertain in a periodical that it is thought just possible that the Police may have committed the crime themselves. At the call of duty, finished the week by arresting myself !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. <a. (Serremper 22, 1888,

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DUE NORTH. Discussions— Information— Diversion— A Ag } ® Fellou Passe ngers “ Dinner — Contentment — Whist—Al’s We New Coinage Reti ement. THERE a Positive Man on board, with a quiet wife and a " pocket The Positive Man is full of information as to every ect of interest on the banks, and is invariably wrong. That's Rosherville, ‘the place to spend a happy day,’ ”’ he tells his wife, ina waggish vein, pointing out a pier, some trees and houses. ‘No, Sir,” says a trim-looking fellow-passenger, with an insinu- ating manner, ‘‘ that’s Greenwich. Rosherville is farther down.”’ ‘‘Oh—ah—yes,” says the Positive Man, as he takes a good look at teless ope. 4 Mist again! By an Impressionist. Greenwich, and then exclaims, as if he now recognised it ‘‘Of course it is. I meant Greenwich when I said Ros Then, turning to his wife,—‘‘ That’s Greenwich, where the Chelsea Pensioners are.” And again he is corrected by the Trim Man, who has in his hand Dickens’s Dictionary of the Thames, which he inva- riably consults before volunteering any information. Hosson, in his kindliest humour, confides to me that he is deeply interested ‘ has not spoken to anyone, and is always taking a few hurried patel y, e

rville.”’ | in an elderly Gentleman, evidently travelling alone, who | ville.” The Positive Man, defeated, shuts up his pocket telescope with a sharp click, like the Duke of WELLINGron on a totally dissimilar vsaaien, and walks away. Happy Thought.—He and his telescope both shut up. With the Vaudable desire of diverting the Restless Man from his monomania about the Albert Docks, Hopson remarks, with an air of lively interest, ‘‘ Where are the great Sewage Works? I don’t see them.” ‘* Your nose will be of more use to you than your eyes when you come within two miles of them,” drily observes a little withered-up, wiry man, like an elderly Scotch terrier. The ladies eye the last speaker with a look of intense disgust, and the little wiry man’s observation would be passed over in pitying silence by the company generally, as if they ) xaewaee him this once, and wouldn't say anything about it if he didn’t do it again, but for the youthfu! leader of the ’Arries, in grey flannel shirt with sham collars and cuffs, who comes out with a loud laugh, which is immediately echoed by his admiring companions, and exclaims,— ; “That ’s rather thick, that is!” And his followers chorus irregu- larly,—‘‘ Yes, that was rather thick.” It is the first time I’ve come across the word ‘‘ thick.” It bothers me. I don’t see its immediate application. The little old wiry Scotch-terrier man evidently understands what ‘thick ” means, as he takes it in a complimentary sense, and forth- with fraternises with ’Arry and his band. ‘Come and ’ave some lotion, old man,’”’ says ’Arry the First, patronisingly, to his new acquaintance, who must be forty years his senior. The sun-dried old chip of a very old block, with wiry iron-grey hair, replies that ‘‘he doesn’t mind if he does take a lotion.”” Whereupon, all the ’Arry band shout with laughter, and their leader declares openly that in his opinion the little withered-up old man is ‘‘a thick ’un—a regular thick ’un”; and ‘‘this is the verdict of them all,” as following their foreman, the jury of ’Arries descend the companion, and disappear with their new acquaintance. ‘** Dinner at two,” says the Steward, ‘‘ when we’re off Southend. You can have anything now, if you like, Sir?” Ominous question. Now—or never? No; I’ll wait till two, and chance it. A tall, languid person, in a deerstalker and an ulster, whom I have noticed for some time standing near us, and who, I fancy, is waiting patiently for the reversion of my campstool,—which he won’t obtain, as 1 carry it with me wherever I go,—observes, in the

patronising tone of a man who wishes it to be understood that he is omtereame | to frequent only the “‘ hupper suckles ” of Society,— ** Rather an absurd hour for dinner,—two?” ‘* Except,” I say, ‘‘ when you’re hungry, and then any hour is a good hour for dinner.” ‘* And,” he continues, without noticing my reservation, and speak- | ing severely at me, as if the hours for meals were of my choosing, ‘* I steps from one side of the vessel to the other, and nervously examin- ing the banks on both sides through his field-glasses, as though he | were expecting a friend from shore to come out in a boat and join | him. The friend doesn’t come, and the lonely traveller there | used to be a piece called The Lonely Man of the Ocean. Can this | be its hero *)—beeomes more and more restless every minute. “It is not easy to distinguish See along the shore,” observes | suppose, tea at seven, and a heavy breakfast at eight in the morning. Hopson, approaching the subject de icately. | All this sort of thing upsets the digestion. It’s impossible to feed The Restless Passenger, still looking anxiously through the field- | at such a ridiculous hour.” glasses, replies slowly,— ; —_ “Ten to two!” exclaims Hosson joyfully, and I am grateful for ‘* No, it isn’t. But,” he continues, in a plaintive tone, ‘I can’t| the interruption as the languid man is inclined to adopt a bullying where—the Royal Albert Docks are ?’ tone towards me. ‘‘ This is doing you good, eh? Didn’t I say so?” No?” returns Hopsox, with an air of cheerful surprise, and then, Then as I follow him in his blithesome skip towards the companion, out of sheer good-nature, he begins looking about everywhere for the | he pauses, and, as if he had a rare treat in store for me, whispers, Royal Albert Docks, with the evident purpose, should he find them, | with a confidential chuckle, ‘I’ve secured the two best seats at the of at senting them to the Restless Passenger. | head of the table next to the Captain! Aha!” And elated beyond “Ab, surely !” exclaims the Restless Man, ‘‘those are the Royal | measure with the success of this last instance of his forethought all Albert Docks ”’—and he focuses a block of buildings, and the tops of | on my account I am convinced, and not the least on his own—he a crowd of masts, which he can just see in the distance. | trips down the stairs, and in another five minates the bell announces ‘ That’s Erith,” says the Positive Man. feeding time, and the passengers troop in and take their places on Is it ? 1ys Honsow, ready to agree with him, for the sake of | either side of a long table at the head of which is the Captain, a fine 1g things pleasant all round. upstanding middle-aged man in a nautical uniform, who bows that’s not Erith,” says the Trim Passenger, fresh from a/| reverently over a huge steaming joint of boiled beef rising out of 4 surreptitious dip into his Guide-book, *‘ that’s Tilbury Fort.” sea of pale turnipy gravy, says grace, in which all those who have ‘* There ’s the Arsenal,” says the Positive Man, after a short pause. | contracted with the steward for their meals heartily join,—and then What Arsenal, dear?” asks his wife. he sets to work to carve for his hungry family of sixty persons, and “Why, Woolwich Arsenal, of course,” he answers, with an air of | appears as Captain Carver, playing the part to ection until superior knowledge. ; further notice, which is given by himself eile whats e is thoroughly No, that’s not Woolwich Arsenal,” says the Trim Passenger, | exhausted. ‘ | with a short apologetic cough just to break the intelligence gently to} Dinner.—Saloon cool. No smell to speak of. Motion of ship the Positive Man, * that’s Gravesend.” rather more perceptible here than on deck ; at hanger is 0 cap orn. ‘* Gravesend |” repeats the Positive Man, scornfully. Happy Thoug t.—The test of qualmishness has arrived. If I can | ‘*I don’t think it ean be Woolwich Arsenal, dear,” objects his wife, | stand this, the '* biled mutton and bilious sauce,” and the stran timidly, ‘‘or why should ‘ Rosherville’ be written up in large letters?” | manners and customs of some of my immediate neighbours, who _This is a facer for the Positive Man, who wis out ‘* Umph ! | evidently are of opinion that fingers were made, not only before forks, Very odd!” and seems by his manner to imply that some one sas | but before toothpicks, I can stand anything. I do; and what » been tampering with the names of the localities just to spite him per-| more, enjoy the dinner and the Captain’s conversation—but not the sonally. Subsequently regaining confidence, from the fact that, in| manners and customs aforesaid—immensely. the absence of the man with the Guide-book, on two oceasions his} As a precaution, and to make assurance doubly sure, Hosson pro- statements have passed unchallenged, he points out Limestone Works | poses a hottle of champage. Why, certainly: quite a Happy Thought. as the Royal Albert Docks, and is immediately contradicted by a} I notice that the languid person who thinks two o’clock a prepos- chorus of bystanders, who, unfortunately for him, see ‘ Limestone | terous and absurd hour for dinner, is doing remarkably well Works early written up as his wife had previously seen ‘‘ Rosher-| spite of the absurdity of the idea. As for the “high contracting —see— "ee moe pre MAKI

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r of m’t you up, the iry the say ind ely i | SerremBer 22, 1888.]} —_—, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 137 ——— ies,” the Steward must be a loser to-day, as they take twice of | ‘‘ Now, dear friend, there i nner ’Arry, from somewhere about the middle of the | ae e 8 absolutel everything. ! , table calls out “Bre, Waiter! ”—this causes a laugh among his admirers—** tell the Captain I’ll trouble him again.” To which the Captain Carver in his celebrated Saloon Ente:tainment. Captain, who, poor man, is only just commencing his own dinner, mutters knowingly, “‘ No, I’m if you do!” as with a smile ” —— to an under-steward to remove the joint and carve it at the side- ° “It’s not like this when it’s rough,” says Captain Carver, slily to us, alluding to the run on the joint. I assent to his remark, wit an Old Saltish sort of vca-dog wag of the head ; but I do not confide to him that “J am not like this when it’s rough.” Hopson pledges him cheerily in a glass of dry Pommery, and he acknowledges the toast, being a tee , in a brimmer of gingerade. After dinner, a sudden shower of rain compels us to seek refuge in a small cabin, facetiously termed ‘‘ the Smoking-Room,”’ where the atmosphere is, to use ’ARRY’s expression, ‘‘ rather thick.”’ Here ’Arry and his party are in great force, playing a rubber. ‘*O Jee-roo-salum!” cries ’AkkY, when he Gen a trick, where- upon his admirers roar with laughter. ’Arry has not been giving his best attention to the game, and on his partner, an elderly, business-like looking man, warning him of the consequences, ’ARRY gives a wink at his companions, and says, Mh we yerself, Emity!” which witticism pa them into con- vuisions. The wiry old Scotch-terrier-like man is also here, pulling at the stump of a cigar, closely watching the game, with difficulty refraining from offering advice, but consoling himself by telling the lookers-on in whispers what he would have done if he had been in the last on lace, and by dqnthoans shrugs and grunts expressive of his isapprobation of the style of play generally. ’Arry takes a trick with great delight, in spite of some mistake of his partner’s. _ says Aan to the latter, ‘‘ you’re not too thick, you ain’t.” “Thick” puzzles me. Presently the wiry old man offers to make him a bet. ‘No, old boy,” replies the knowing and suspicious ’ARky, ‘* you’re too thick for me.” And his companions shout with laughter. When one of his opponents at whist is rather slower than usual in dealing, ’Arry calls out ‘‘ Time!” and subsequently requests him, if he has dealt himself a good hand, to ‘‘ Walk round and show his muscle.” Fortune favours ’Arry with first-rate trumps,—and ARRY trismpheatie coming down with his Ace says : ‘Ow ’s that for kitchen soup?” Immense delight of the ’Arry- Gallery, which is raised to the highest pitch = od he throws down the Queen of Trumps, and in a sort of tune sings :— ‘‘ That’s a Beau-ty! that’s a Beau-ty!” When he and his partner ultimately win the game, he leads a chorus in which all his companions heartily join, and the purport of which, as far as I can catch the words, seems to be a tuneful expres- sion of a wish, addressed to some imaginary butcher by an intending customer, to be informed as to the meskes price of liver, and a further demand of a like nature as to the current quotation of kidneys. __ There being no more rain, this is the last I see of Anny and his comrades, until next morning when they complain of headache and evinee an inordinate passion for kippered Lersiogs, and boiling hot tea. _We are standing well out to sea. Daylight and the coast-line are | | 8a ng. - N ow!” cries Hopson, who is in ecstasies at the verification of all his prophecies about the state of my health, and the excellence of the passage. **Now!” he cries, ex ing his right arm towards the horizon, and then tanging towerds me as if the supreme moment arrived when he must unburden himself of a tremendous secret, ’ nothing between you'’—he emphasises this with his left hand—‘‘and the North Pole!” Whereupon he takes one step back, folds his arms, and interro- gates me with a searching regard, as if he were suspicious of my still concealing something from. him, and so by my reticence com- yemas him to believe that there is something between me and the North Pole ! It’s a fearful charge,—worse than being accused of disrespect for the Equator,—and I assure him that as far as I know, there is nothing whatever between me and the North Pole. And so we sit on deck, chatting, and congratulating ourselves on its being one of the most lovely nights we ’ve seen for a very long time. Hopson delighted. Didn’t he tell me it would be a perfect passage’ The lights ashore become few, and far between, and gradually disappear ey Mysterious lights, now green, now red, approach us, and the Look-out Man, oan the Captain, and the Man at the Wheel, keep up a trio of an hour's duration, led always by the first-mentioned as tenor, followed up by the Captain as baritone, and finished by the steersman as Seared. It must be very annoying for the Look-out Man, who never announces any discovery of his, such as ‘‘ Light on the port bow !”’ ‘Light on the starboard!” or whatever it may be without the Captain immediately replying ** Aye, aye!” in a tone which certainly conveys that he has seen this danger a-head ever so long ago, and is perfectly aware of it. Very satistacto they have such a Captain as Captain Carver, whom nothing can escape, but still rather disheartening for the Look-out Man, who seems to be perfectly incapable of giving the Captain any information which the latter does not already possess, Begin to feel drowsy. ‘* This is doing you good! pride. ** All right up to now,” I say, cautiously. ‘‘ But suppose it should change to stormy in the night ?” ‘Not a chance of it,” replies Hopson. And we descend to our Cabin, which, fortunately, is at present unoccupied. Now, how to climb up to my nest ? to the passengers to know ” exclaims Honson, surveying me with AN OPPORTUNITY. LonpDon is always a nice place for equestrian exercise, but just now, in the ‘‘dead season,” if you ask ‘‘ What’s up?” the answer must be, ‘‘ Roads, pavements, streets, = boards, red flags, &c.”’ Quite right, of course, and just the time of year for it. Only, as there are workmen digging into the soil of Kensington Gardens and the Parks, Mr. Punch, in the interest of Equestrians generally, would again beg to inquire why on earth there cannot be— First,—A ride under the trees from Kensington to Bayswater through Kensington Gardens. Secondly,—Another ride across Hyde Park, as a trifling variation on the monotony of Rotten Row and the dreariness of the ride be- tween the Marble Arch, which is now being ‘‘restored,” though no one ever had the audacity toremoveit. Thirdly. A propos of “‘ restora- tion,” why not restore at once the soft ride all round the Park ? / Se Fourthly. And why not do the —— ae . same in Regent’s Park, where the only chance for Equestrians is about half a mile of ‘‘ the soft” in the Inner Circle ? Fifthly. Why not open up two or three rides in Regent’s Park ” Who objects? ‘There’s room, and to spare, for everyone, Pedes- trians and Equestrians alike, and plenty of space for amusements of all sorts. ' - : ’ Surely Geonce Ranorr, our Adiles, and the Police Commis- sioners, might hit on some plan between them for the benefit of the Liver Brigades of Light and Heavy Cavalry. SomMETHING To BE THANKFUL For.—Our dear old friend, Mrs. Ram, iust saved herself from a nasty fall the other day coming down-stairs. ‘*T should have broken my leg or worse,” she said, “if I hadn’t put out my hand and caught hold of the barristers.” Monoronovs.—While the Sacred Lamp of Reems was alight at the Gaiety, there was a variety of tunes all through the entertain- ment. Now, there is only one Eyre.

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The reeking | Revealing light, | With no intrusive ray floods in to fill -UNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Serremper 22, 1888. ae } ! Hi TaN Bie Au fe a i| \j { Cin wie ow mas AMY licarbe \ MA Me ad i ; | br it p \ , ¢ we i iit = *, ] veseiees bless. Li ve vi ’ RINGOAL. HOWEVER, RATHER IN THE ArT TO Decapit SHAPE OF SUNSHADES, p Caarminc Game. As IT Is, ATE THE PROVIDE THEMSELVES WITH SHIELDS, BLIND-MAN’S BUFF. A STRANGE mad game to play in such a place! The monster City’s maze, whose paths to trace Might tax another Theseus, the resort Of worse than Minotaurs, for blindfold sport Would seem the most unfitting of all scenes W hat is it there such solemn fooling means ? But let not light into nto the a ‘= | Where hags called women, ghouls in guise of men Live on death-dealing, feed a loathly life, On the chance profits of the furtive knife. The robber’s mountain haunt, the outlaw’s cave, Guarded by rocks or sheltered by the wave a feet intrusive, furnish no such lair For desperate villany or dull despair, As this obscene Alsatia of the Slums. Town’s carrion-hordes flock hither ; comes The haggard harpy of the pavement, she The victim’s victim, whose delirious glee Makes mirth a crackling horror ; hither slink Haunts from of old these dens of darksome | The waifs of passion and the wrecks of drink. slime Multiform wretchedness in rags and grime, There, where well-armed Authority fears to | Hopeless of good and ripe for every crime ; tread, | A seething mass of misery and of vice, Murder and outrage rear audacious head, These grim but secret-guarding haunts entice. Unscanned, untracked. As the swift- sliding | Look at those walls ; they reek with dirt and snake damp, {tramp Slips to the covert of the swamp’s foul brake, | But in t eir shadows crouched the homeless Fearless of fo lowing where no foot may find | May huddle undisturbed the black night Firm resting, where the fetid fumes that through. blind | Those narrow winding courts—in thought— mists that palsy, guard its lair; | ursue. wife weaks to the Slum’s seclusion. | No light there breaks upon the bl ludgeoned No flash of day arrests the lifted knife, There shrieks arouse not, nor do groans affright. These are but normal noises of the night In this obscure Gehenna. Must it be That the black slum shall furnish sanctuary Labour’s | To all light-shunning creatures of the slime, | Vermin of vice, carnivora of crime Meat Ask purblind Municipal Muddledom rhe true significance of the City Slum. Ask, but expect no answer more exact lhan blundering palterers with truth and fact Kange in their pigeon-holes in order neat, The awkward questionings of sense to meet, And, meeting, blandly baffle. Lurking crime hither So Crime st I here the foe of all things ill, Those hideous alleys, and those noisome nooks With health and safety. Flush with Kimpid brooks The slime-fouled gutters of the Ghetto, drive | Plinlimmon’s breeze through choking hive, UMBRELLAS, LOOKERS-ON, IT IS WELL LAWN-TENNIS Bats, FOR &c, THESE TO Mast it be here that Mammon finds its tilth, And harvests gold from haunts of festering filth ? {stricken dumb, How long? The voice of sense What time the sordid Spectre of the Slum, Ruthless red-handed Murder sways the scene, Mocking of glance, and merciless of mien. Mocking? Ah, yes! laugh, The sword is here as harmless as the staff Of crippled age; its sleuthhounds are at fault, Justice appears not only blind but halt. It seems to play a merely blinkered game, Blundering about without a settled aim, Like boys at Blind-Man’s Buff. A pretty sport For Law’s sworn guards in rascaldom’s resort! The bland official formula to-day Seems borrowed from the tag of Nursery play, ‘Turn round three times,” upon no settled plan, Flounder and fumble, can!” and “‘ catch whom you Tue Dancer or Drowstness.—A Railway accident is not uncommonly attributable to a sleeper having given way. Considering the lengthened hours of exhaustive exertion to which signalmen and other overworked ser- | vitors attendant on railways are commonly | subject, one wonders that terrible accidents do | not occur even still more frequently than usual through the somnolence of railway sleepers. An historic name that may always be in- troduced ‘‘@ propos de bottes »—Bunvan. seems | At Law the ghoul may

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My | had suc us last has his and my} BaLpw absolut becaus | might, too a travel] | dear wisel’ | but s | enjoy } tellin } O1 OF | guide | absuz | make not ¢ anytl fancy | So y | Anc the r It we | Teac ‘]

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SerremBER 22, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 141 Mos3s00—cheerfully (he has just blown a hole through the Squ ire’s hat). - AHA, Mon Ami! COMMENT DES ACCIDENTS ARRIVENT!” A DITTY FOR DINARD. Art fair Dinard to-day You can flirt, dance, and play, As at most of such French places we Ow ; You can bathe at your ease, In what costume you please, On the beach near the little Casino. There ’s a sea very blue, And the sky's azure too And the air may be held to be bracing ; But the nymphs we see there, With their stays dans la mer, Counteract its effects by tight-lacing. You will find at the Club Men quite e for a “rub,” Or for Poker, when daylight is ended ; You ma , if you go To the Petits Chevauz, Or to Baccarat,—not recommended. No one Tennis forgets, And they work at their ‘‘ setts” With an ardour that’s simply astounding ; From the morning till night Aratanta flies light, And the balls o’er the court go re- ing. Thus we live by the side Of the fast-flowing tide, An improvement in health the great in is; While no river in France Can compare with the Rance | Near Dinard, which in Ille-et-Vilaine is. VoILA “MAKING A BRITISH HOLIDAY.” My Dearest BLANCHE, 1276, Park Lane, Sept. 14, 1888. In spite of being in Town in the middle of September, I have had such a good time of it! Oh! I do so wish you had been with us last Thursday. Well, you must know, dear, that Cuartey (who | has his long leave just now) pe ed Mamma to allow FLorENcE | and myself to go, with him to the Alexandra Palace to see Professor | Batpwoy take his sensational leap. As CHaRLey said, “it was absolutely rippin’!” It was, y! Mamma would not come, | because, she said, ‘‘he might get killed!” ‘‘ Why, of course he | might, replied Cuartey; ‘‘ but that’s half the fun of it.” He appealed to us; and although, of course, we were not “ cruel,” or | anything of that sort, yet we were forced to confess that the jump | would have been rather insipid if taken without risk of danger. | ‘Just so,” replied Mamma—she can be awfully disagreeable at times. “‘Then you really go to see Professor BaLpwiy on the chance “pees present his oo ag ell, reasonably eno is made us both very an with Mamma for sayin such dreadful things, and all the nen dete mined to go, 80 W on CHARLEY called for us the next morning, he found us ready waiting, and oe to be off. We were both dressed in white, with ‘ picture” hats and long’ pompadour parasols. We first tried getting down to the Alexandra . rail. But it was too awful! Every carriage was filled with three times as many travellers as it should have naturally contained! You can fancy, ae what a terrible crush there was! So then CHARLEY very ny y got a Hansom, I confess was a little small for three, ut still mueh better than the railway. And so we drove down, enjoying the fun immensely, and CHARLEY making us laugh by telling us how nearly the Professor was run over by a steam-engine on one occasion. So ridiculous, you know, dear, not to be able to guide the parachute, but to be forced to come ee places! And then F LORENCE (who, you know, dear, entre nous makes rather a parade of her sensibility), said she hoped we should hot go too near—not w: there was any chance of coming across ae disagreeable. ‘‘ Oh,” said Carter, ‘if he does fall, I fancy he will bury himself in the earth in the tidiest manner possible. . ou need be under no apprehension of seeing anything ghastly.” # at this moment the Hansom cabman put his head at the hole in : e roof and told us that he had heard it strike six, and he thought vou be better if he pulled up on the brow of a hill we had just Wy ed. So CuaRiey bundled out and helped us girls to deseend. a e had scarcely taken our seats on a rug that CHARLEY had spread | | down in all sorts of | for us on the grass, when up went the balloon with the Professor dangling toit. ‘‘Oh, lam so glad!” cried Fronence. ‘* They said he might back out of it by pretending that the wind was in the wrong quarter, or something silly of that sort! Now I do hope he goes up two miles! It won't be the least bit of fun unless he goes up quile the two miles!” Well, I must confess, my dear, I was never so excited in all my life! Up went the balloon, and we saw the Pro- fessor getting smaller and smaller until he looked quite like a funny little doll! ‘* By Jove, he’s going to jump!” said Caanter, who had been watching the whole affair through a field-glass. And jump he did! For a moment my heart stood still. He came down like a stone. ‘‘ Smash, I think,” observed CHaR.ey, quietly, and I thought I would not have missed it for anything, as we should have seen all | the affair without any of the unpleasant details, All of a sudden, Cuancey said the parachute was opening and he was safe so far. Of course we girls thought that now all the fun was over. Not at all. The excitement was next, to see how long he would hold on. ‘‘ Bet you a pair of gloves he comes down safely!” shouted Cuartey. * Very well,” I replied, ‘‘I will bet he doesn’t!” And of course I was now doubly interested, as my gloves depended on it. Provoking! I lost, and Caancey was triumphant! _ And now, dear, as I hear the bell ringing for dressing, I must put down my pen. I hope you will get up to Town in time to see the Professor take one of his wonderful leaps. Good-bye! Your own loving friend, Maun. P.S.—We went to see the Roman Sports at the Italian Exhibition the other day. One thing was rery absurd. When a gladiator is to be killed, they appeal to the Vestal Virgins to know if his life may be spared. And then the Vestal Virgins point to the earth wi their thumbs to say “No.” Soabsurd! As if anyone would like to see a man killed before her very eyes! To a Lively Authoress. writing in { Or would you send to hermitage and holler-tree | Marital victim to hisGynccolatry ? O rnisxy Matron, the U- ; ; -niversal or Quilterian Review, Calling to mind in these still lively | Better do this than drown dull latter days care, feel chippy, The telling touches in those bril- | And live Bocratically with Xan- liant Saturda TIPPE, (that’s risky ! ! Let’s do all ys Say what is your “ Philosophy of | Is this the moral ips ? ee y ” ! M f P| Do you the Cotyledonous dis- |

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ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serremper 22, 1888, a : y (yn l hi A} | bite li 37 * , « 7 ‘. PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE.” Son and Heir (whose Inquiring Turn of Mind is occasionally a nuisance). ‘‘I say 'PA, WHAT’s A V’CAB’LARY Father. ‘‘ A VocapvuLtary, My Boy—WHuHaT D’YOU WANT TO KNOW THAT FoR?” S ‘Cause I meARD "Ma say SHE'D NO IDEA WHAT A TrREMENJIOUS V'caB’LARY YOU'D GOT, TILL YOU MISSED THE TRAIN ON mpay'* >” coe a |ment, produces a theatrical effect in the otherwise striking repro- OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. | duction of Lady Luypsay’s living presentment. Here we have the Goop novel Hartas Maturin. by H. F. Lester. So excitingly | 8#me baronial hall, the same urn of ancestor’s ashes, perhaps, in the interesting. The character of Hartas himself is finely drawn, and that | distance, only the chair is different, and there is some drapery intro- of the visionary Bastian might have been imagined and described by | @uced with a property cushion for the lady’s foot, a Wardour Street Lord Lyrrow in such a work as Zanoni, or A Strange Story. 1 hope table, and a property vase and book. The entertaining and interest- there are not many Bastians about, as his theories would do away with | "& monographs, by L. Excer are drawn from his usual well of pure all moral responsibility, and necessitate the building of Public Lunatic and undefiled ENGeL-ish. ha ? . tee Asylums on an extensive scale, and a consequent increase of burden|, 77acked Out, by Mr. Artucr A Becker, is, T am pap 4 on the unhappy ratepayer. But Mr. Lesrer is “ only purtendin’,” having a perfectly unprecedented sale. It is indeed a weir an, | and ‘there ain’t no such person.” I am sorry that Mr. Lesrer’s| ¥¢t there is nothing quite new under the sun, as, I think, the wet heroine should be troubled with a profusion of golden hair: I should author will himself be the first to acknowledge when he reads re have out that hair, or dve’d it: and 1 do net think that the Hiabted | of W onder, by WILLIAM MaKEPEACE THACKERAY, now republis | end of a cigar put into the pocket of a damp coat would set a hous: by Extior Srock, in a collection of the Novelist s early ve, | on fire, snotiestindiy such a os as the author has previously been | compiled by C. Promprre Jonnson, in which the decapitated Head | at no little pains to describe. But these are mere details. The idea | tells its own decapntated tale, and the criminal is discovered ! ! How s| of the story is decidedly original, and to lighten the tragedy of th« | this for High, inquires Tae Sacacrovs Baron pe Boox- Worms. tale there are many touches of genuine humour. : Se I have just seen Messrs. Barravp’s eighth number of Men and | ’ oer 4 Women of the Day, wherein a portrait of HELEN MATHERS, Mrs. | PASTORAL TO THE - BOY BISHOP. , Reeves, looking as if she were trying to imitate the American | [The World says of Dr. Jayne, the new Bishop of Chester :—“ He cannot | Siffleuse, is between those of Dr. W. G. Grace, the Cricketer, and | be said to have made any mark there (i.¢., at Leeds).”.... “In person, Lord Justice Corroy, with a wig which, were he Lorp CHanceLior, | he hardly realises one’s idea of a Bishop: he enjoys a fair, fresh, ingenuous would be suggestive of the Cotton-Woolsack, but, as he isn’t, it is| boy-like aspect, and owns an engaging frank demeanour.” .. . - “and he evidently only an old wig that doesn’t fit him. Heten Martuers, | Wil! be, by far, the youngest Bishop on the Bench.”’] the charming Novelist, couldn’t be in better company than appear- Arn—Refrain of “ My Pretty Jane.” ing thus with Grace and Corron, typical at once of her literary and ' . personal charms on the one hand, and of her deyoted domesticity on the other. Well selected. Also the September Number of Our Celebrites. There is about Watery’s Photographs a soft tone that I’ve rarely, if ever, seen - , equalled. The portrait of Sir Moret Mackenzie this month is Chorus (everybody at Keble College) :— perfect as a print, and lifelike as a portrait. The great merit of My fairish Jayne, my boylike Jayne, this positive likeness is a ‘‘ negative” one; I mean the absence of Oh, never look so shy ; &c., da capo. the stereotyped background, in which, as in a cold ancestral hall, = with only one chair in it, to which he fondly clings, stands Lord Stan iey of Preston. The fault of background, in my humble judg- Canpip Oprnioy.—Coal Tar Sugar can’t be Beet. My fairish Jayne, my boylike Jaye, Oh, never look so shy ; Sut come, oh come, and go a Bishoping, While the bloom is ’neath your eye. oe ®. a 2. ane La eel ene triers. ae

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serrexnen 22, 1888] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 16.

ma.name™ - (alien hile

FIRST MEETING OF THE PARNELL COMMISSION. Toby, M.P., Q.C., with a brief to watch the case for the Public, presents Lika Joko, who watches the case for Japan, to the Three Commissioners, —$<$<—<—<—<—<—_—_—_—_——— - _A Serious Question.”—We are glad to learn from several A Cosy nut wor Cossey Cavrcn.—A yo writing to orrespondents that the question we asked last week as to the | the Spectator, says that in veer Parish Church, ‘‘ The old three- murderous theatrical picture-posters is likely to lead to beneficial | decker,” consisting of Clerk’s desk below, reading desk in the middle, results. We agree with the i dunete Gazette, that legislation on | and pulpit atop, still exists. What spot more appropriate for a the matter is an imperative necessity. These ‘‘colourable imitations” | ‘‘ throe-decker,” than the marine locality, Whitby-on-the-Sea. of crime are a disgrace to our civilisation, our Literature, and our | Vire “‘ three-decker!” and may it be long ere it gives way to other Drama. And 4 propos of advertisements not pictorial, isn’t it bad decker-ations. asteon the part of the Lyceum management to use a line from St. pad “ mae oe Paul’s Epiaties as an advertisement for the play of Hyde and Jekyll? ‘‘O uy Prorneric Sout! my Unciz!”—Why didn’t the Duke Is it to show that Hyde can quote Scripture to his purpose ? of Aosta pay a visit to Monaco? Because he preferred Nice.

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144 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (SerremBer 22, 1889, “OH, DON’T HE LOVE HIS MUMMER!” | A TALE OF ONE HUNDRED CIGARS. | Iv Mr. Hanny Quivrer’s Universal Review for September, Mr.| Srz,—The ordinary Englishman may fondly imagine that he ca Groner Moone runs a-muck against ‘‘Mummer Worship.” The | pass his cherished Havannas, up to, say, one hundred, through that well-worn theme of “‘ the status of the Actor”’ is to the author of that | remarkable institution known in France as the Douane. That’, | where he’s wrong. Heecan’t! At all events, he can’t, if he tries; | be honest, as I did, and disclose the fact that his paquet contains Havanna cigars. As is well known, the French Government js , vaternal one, and in its infinite wisdom does not permit anything | Pat cabbage, chour, to be smoked in La Belle France. Real tohace. is considered deadly. However, let me at once proceed to the recital of the One Hundred Cigars. First week of August I wrote, enclosing cheque, to the Army and | Navy Stores, from Royat-les-Bains, to order one hundred of the for- bidden fruit, I should say, weeds. By return I get receipt from Stores, and note to say that ‘‘ the goods shall be forwarded with «|! practicable dispatch.” So far, so good. Four days after this | | receive from Monsieur le Chef de Gare du Nord at Paris the following most bewildering communication :— Grande Vitesse 1. Trafic International. Paris Monsrevr,—J’ai l’honneur de vous informer qu’il est arrivé j votre adresse, en grande vitesse [observe the sarcasm], dans |e magasins du douane, 4 la Gare du Nord, expédiés par M. Army Navy (sic), 4 Londres, les colis ci-aprés designés: 100 cigarres, Vous devrez signer l'une des deux formules ci-dessous, selon qu | vous prendrez livraison en gare ou que vous préférez vous faire livrer | la marchandise a domicile par le camionage de la Compagnie. i ’ I do so. Sign the ‘‘ formule” which permits, apparently, th: “ But More of More Hall, delivery of our ene hundred chez nous. Alas! how little I knew of With nothing at all, the ways, and means, of the Douane. Daily we (myself and He slew the Dragon of Wantley !” xpectant friends) journey down to the Gare de Royat, “ pour strong Zola-esque novel, The Mummer’s Wife,—in which, by the way, demander si les cigarres [why two r’s ?) de Monsieur sont arrivés.” while spades are called something more than spades, there is much Non, Monsieur, pas de paquet pour vous.” — Quoi faire | Nous | unpalatable truth,—like the proverbial red rag to the bull, or the attendons. On a W ednesday in August we receive a illet-douz from ankles of the timid stranger toGroxcre Merepitn’s “distraught goose.” | the Chef de Gare, as follows : All that Mr. Grorce Moone has to say about the “Stage as a| ‘‘ Nous avons recu votre lettre. Les eigarres étant prohibés, veuil- vrofession”” has been said, without mincing matters, long ago in| lez adresser une demande d’autorisation d’entrée sur papier timbré | Mr. Epwunp Yartes’s Time (a Magazine), and in the Fortmghtly | 4 M. le Directeur de la Douane pour obtenir l’entrée des cigarres con- Review, in Mr. Escorr’s time. Mr. Moore wanders away from his | formément aux instructions, jointes 4 notre avis 338 du 11 courant.” text of Mummer-worship, and needlessly and inconsequently attacks I fly—always with my friends, who are now beginning to doubt Mr. Cuantes WyyxpHam and Miss Mary Moore for their Continental | whether I ever ordered any cigars at all, and are rather less generous tour with Darid Garrick. That Actor and Actress should be| with their own towards me than they were—to the post-office to received into ‘‘ Society” at all ‘‘ does make him so wild.” Well, he| purchase the cherished ‘‘ papier timbré.”” Weare told, ‘* Vous troure: needn't meet them. He can keep aloof from Society, and the loss| ¢a chez le marchand de tabac.” Thither we wend our weary way, to will, of course, be Society’s. | learn that ‘‘J/ n’y en a pasici. C’ est d Clermont (town twenty minutes ‘* Because I have cakes and ale,” Mr. Moore seems to say to the | by carriage from Royat) que vous trouvez ca. Rue Saint Esprit.” Actors, ‘‘ therefore you shan’t be virtuous.” And ‘‘you shan’t even| “My friends will not quit me, so we all go together. Arrived at be respectable, if I can help it,” is his implied determination ; for-| (Clermont, we find the marchand de tabac, Rue Saint Esprit, and getting that ‘‘ respectability is the homage paid by vice to virtue,” | are, on payment of sotrante centimes, armed with the formidable | with which cynical definition Mr. Moore should be satisfied, as| papier timbré. So off we walk to the nearest café, demand ink | covering all his ground of complaint | and pen, and indite in our most classic French a humble petition t The artistic temperament is innately Bohemian, and it feels itself | the | mPa de la Gare du Nord, a Paris. In five minutes more ridiculous when attempting to shine with the veneer of bourgeois it is in the letter-box, and we are wending our way back to the iron respectability. But the ostentatious Bohemianism which Mr. GroRGE | waters of Royat. We feel we require tonics. This ends our labours Moore considers the proper colour for the Actors to live and die|on Thursday. Allons! du courage! Enfin c'est toujours possible in, with its inordinate vanity, vulgar self-consciousness, affected que M. le Directeur de la Douane finira par nous envoyer nos paurres | bonhomie, and flippant profanity, is more repulsively snobbish and | cigarres. j revoltingly caddish, than the best silk-hatted, frock-coated Respec-| ‘Seated at dinner on the following Saturday evening, we learn, | tability can ever be. |to our dismay (a heavy rain-storm is at the moment doing its best The craze of Actor-worship is rapidly passing away. BUFrraLo|to wash the town away), that the ill-fated cigars have at length Brit's popularity with ‘* Society” hit the histrion a serious blow ;| arrived at the hotel, but the well-meaning though officious Con- | so did the momentary success of the athlete. The fault is in the | cierge has sent them away, because he did not know if Monsieur | worshippers, not in the object of their adoration. Mr. Grorcr| (meaning the humble individual who now addresses you, “‘ moi qui GrossmirH laughs pleasantly at the craze in his amusing shillings- | parle”) was prepared to pay the trifling sum of thirty-six franes | worth, entitled, The Clown in Society. | duty on one hundred cigars! Having explained that I was ready to | Let the Actor enjoy himself with his Dukes and Duchesses, his | pay double, he secured the cigars ; and thus, after much time, labour, supper and champagne, and do you, Mr. Moorg, enjoy yourself | journeying, lamenting, and heart-ache, I was rewarded by the pouiet too, with your “‘couple of Princesses and a Duchess” (which is| of my One Hundred Cigars! How sweet was the first one (slightly your own modest allowance for yourself *‘in perspective”), but you | damp, it is true), but real tobacco! All’s well that ends well. needn’t throw stones through the window panes, merely because you | Moral. When endeavouring to pass a cigar through the Douane, | catch sight of Comedians in the Duke’s drawing-room. ‘allow at least a fortnight for the function. Ah! Mr. Punch, | If the Actor’s vanity hungrily craves for recognition in what is| know you smoke, like myself, good cigars, and I feel that, in your termed ‘‘ Society,” then, like the little boy in the bath, “he won’t| kind heart, I shall find some of that sympathy which may soothe my be happy till he getsit.” And if that makes him happy, Mr. GrorcE | shattered nerves. Wale, amice! Yours, A MERE Bacca TELL, Moore, ** happy man be his dole.” But why envy him? Why blame | him?’ Blame Society,—and your task is futile and endless. ' | | | } | “Qorre Enexisn, rou Kyow!’’—We see a new Opera announced for the 25th at the Crystal Palace. It is an English Opera, Librete Tat Morning ‘Post, last Wednesday, mentioned a ‘‘ Firework} by an Englishman, C. Brapperry (never seen it spelt like this Drama,” by Mr. Brock, at the Crystal Palace. Of course the lead- | before—‘‘ put it down a ‘u,’ my Lord”), and the musie by another ing Lady was Miss Carnertne Wueet. There must have been| Englishman, Mr. Grorcr Fox. The subject is The Corsican Brothers several Stars. Probably the show concluded with a political Squib. | Mr. Fox ought to play Chateau-Renard. Of course he can, Bro’ rhe next novelty in the Pyrotechnic Theatrical fine will be an|if he pleases. With the usual white face, corked eyebrows, vlaptation of one of PLtancué’s old Fairy-tale Extravaganzas, to| Mephistophelian moustache, he might come out as a sort of Guy be entitled, Rocket with the Tuft. Fox. Suceess to the English Composer. ——— ea NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any deseripticn, will im no case be returned, not even when gecompanied by @ Stamped end Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this there will be no exception

Page 195

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aes PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—Sepremper 22, 1888, \ \ i \\ \\\\\ \ ANN AN NY NY . 4 SATURDAY EVERY PUBLISHED NW n\\ \ : \\ \ Wi¥ \ \ AN \\\ \h \ \\ \\ Y IY YO \ \\) a \ AY \\ Printed by Wiliam stuart ef Mo 30. f oraime i ie *. , Ietingtom tn the panty of Widdlese: im the Precincs of Wuntebtnn tw ten toe Leeder sad or td Bio 6s, Piect Steet, & tee Pavan ai Oe

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“One of the best of reprints.” | er | Mr. Punch «A Pictorial Key to the His- Being the Fifty Years of the Queen's S Reign (1837-1887) as reflected and illus- trated in 1000 “ Punch” Cartoons, with a Descriptive Narrative. In 3 fine \ tory of the Queen’s Reign.” Victorian Er RASS Sone CoE royal 4to vols., elegantly bound, 425.

~~... aS me, Pray) Lan) al 7o ght

> = ~ > ~ S33u¥HL 390d

3ON3d N° 2464. VOLUME NINETY-FIFTH. —o— SEPTEMBER 29, PUBLISHED < Se ane ee 8 SE ea ST rem eg DUNE A VOL. Ree Bax, ! ‘é Ne ig is hs ‘ A ere p lh SEIN rll Ay de VW ah D ii Wi IM MANNA COM NN aa ilinnnnd™ eer PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,” 1" Absolutely \ PURE ' { i j

Meguiered at Lue Generms Lusi Uthee as s Newspaper. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Szpremuzr 29, 1888.

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el

———— SerremBEeR 29, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 145

THE PARNELL COMMISSION. (Special Report.) | “ Monday, September 1.—Mr. Justice Hannen, Mr. Justice Day, and Mr. Justice Smiru, sitting in the Probate Division of the Royal Courts of | Justice, met to-day to hear the matters at issue between the 7imes and Mr. | PaxneLy. Sir CHantes Russery, M.P., Q.C., represented Mr. Pannevy and the other Irish Members concerned. Mr. Granam appeared for Mr. Waiter and Another. Tony, M.P., QC.® (instructed by Mr. Gronce Lewis, of Ely Place, Holborn, W.C.), watched the case for the Public,”— Morning Paper. Cur this out of morning paper; great deal more ; columns of it; but don’t suppose there ’ll be room to printit. Yet a most inteneing case. My first brief. Fane have started pretty well. Peel the wig rather hot, and always blushing to find gown nearly slip- ping . Observe that CHaRLes USSELL keeps his gown well over — < shoulders, ee Coameg, when addressing Court, generally has the collar ado at neigh- bourhood of small of his back. Su » they begin that way, worki wn up to the shoulders as they advance towards CHARLES widen a bl ver g very e. Wondered, when I went in, what the Judges would say. ‘‘ Is the old min friendly?” I said to my- , looking up at HAannen. Found he was, ag When I said I appeared for the public, he made me a little bow, and ob- served, ‘‘ The case of the public is in excellent hands.” Very nice that. Felt quite encouraged. Determined to justify good _— ion. ning presented early in case. When Granam was asked whom he represented, he replied, ‘“*My Lud, I appear, with my learned friend the ATroRNEyY- GENERAL, for the defendants in the case of O’ Donnell y. Walter.” Here was my chance. Seized it with alacrity. “My Lud,” I said, hitching my gown over left shoulder, and cocking back my wig, as I have observed another eminent Q.C. do, ‘“interposing as amicus curia, I may observe that my learned friend is a little inaccurate. He says he appears with the AtrorNry- GeNERAL. May I point out, my Lud, that it would be more accurate to say ‘he appears without the ATTORNEY-GENERAL ?’” “ Silence!” shouted a person in gown, who, I subsequently ascer- tained, was called the Usher. _ Have a good look at the Judges. Hanwnen in the middle, sitting in the chair he usually fills as President of the Divorce Court. A plump pleasant-featured man. “ Looks,” says CHARLES Russet, “‘ as if he was able to bear with equanimity the failure of other people’s marriages.” On the left Smrrn, a quiet keen-f man, who says very little, but evidently thinks a good deal. On the right Day. Day simply delicious. Haven’t seen anything so lovely for years. Never get tired of watching him. Splendid figure-head for a ship. Widely opened, stonily-staring eyes ; uplifted eyebrows wrinkling the massive forehead ; lips slightly ; moves head slowly from side to side ‘ound Court with air of Fa pee surprise. Sometimes looks up at ceiling, as if wondering what it could be for. Then gaze slowly I esk, maryelling how the doose it got there. Again, slowly surveys Court. Think I hear him whispering to himself, Dear me! What a lot of reporters!” Looks as if he ’d never attempted a joke in his life, or understood one. he'd make at a first-class funeral ! ase grows interesting as it on. CHARLES RUSSELL por- tentously bland. Never loses fis temper for a moment. bs amiable; must be winning hand over hand. Argues for disclosure of documents, specification of . ** Let-us-know-what-we- have-to-meet,” and all that sort of thing. Fancy I’ve heard all before in the House of Cammons ; nothing came of it there except

“ Knocking at the door.” What a prize mute occasional beating in Division Lobby. Now Hanwnen gravely listens. SarrH (not Op Moratrry) twinkles with attention. Day solemnly nods his head with curious rhythmical action of the mechanical Man- darin. Seems to be something in it, after all. Gnranam drops his gown half an inch lower down the length of his spine, and says the

* The Dog has taken silk, and never told his oldest and best friend !— Punch. ees things the Arrorney-Geweral and Epwarp CLARKE used to say in House of Commons. But Hawwew swoops down on him like a falcon ; rather poset him. GRAHAM wriggles and wrestles, falters and stumbles. His face settles into sony police pitiful to see. Quite sorry forhim, Think I’ll give him a lift. Nothing like a word of sympathy in times like this. Write on slip of paper,— ‘* Threaten to move for a writ of fi. fa.’ Haven't clear idea what writ of fi. fa. is. Fancy it’s a sort of protest, as who should say, ‘‘ Fi. fa. shame!” Pass the slip of paper on to Granam. Eagerly opens it. Reads, and looks back at me. I nod to him ily. ** Try that, old fellow,” I say. Granam evidently doesn’t catch on. Paleness deepens. Stares at Put open hand to side of mouth, and loudly whisper, facias!” ** Silence!” says the Usher. Presently Grana™ cites at large from case of Brown vy. Watkin, also case of Dike vy. Stephen; drifts gently to Shaw vy. Smith. Time seems opportune for creating little diversion. ** My Lud,” I say, i esident, ‘‘ as our time is valuable, erhaps your Ludship, whilst my learned friend proceeds with s citations, would favour the Court with your views on the question, ‘Is Marriage a Failure?’ Your Ludship’s remarkable opportunities for——’ he Usher. ‘* Silence!” I thought he’d say that. _ At half-past one, adjourned for luncheon. A little late in return- ing to Court. Found the O’Gorman Manon, with facias nearly as fieri as Granam’s. Seems he wanted to get in without ticket. Messenger declined to admit him. ‘*There’s my cyard,” said The Manow, oo ey on acceptance of trembling minion. “A frind will upon ye this evening.” Inside Court Judges got on a long way. In fact, a few minutes after, the whole thing seemed to come to an end. Rvsse.t got all he asked for, and, there being nothing more to do, adjournment proposed. The President. ‘‘ We have all spent a very comfortable afternoon.”’ Toby, M.P., Q.C. (interposing as amicus curiw), ‘* As your Ludship pleases,”’ Usher. ** Silence! ”’ Then we picked up our briefs and went out. My learned friend Asquirn’s brief lying close to mine, I picked that up too. Has an |overwhelming effect in walking through the crowd, to carry from Court a good armful of papers.

A WHITEHEAD TORPEDO FOR THE CITY. SaruRDAY next, Michaelmas Day. Also City elects new Lord |Mayor. Hail, James Wurrenxap, Alderman that is, Lord Mayor

_ |G00se Wes

Michaelmas Day in the City. Turtles electing a Lord Mayor. that shall be! There is nothing suggestive of the Torpedo about him but his name. A capable, courtly man, who will do honour to the high position he is called to, and will, with peculiar fitness, inaugu- rate the new era of City administration in unction with the working of a Radical Local Government Act by a Conservative Ministry.

Morality at a Tennis-Match. (By a Buffer.)

To prophesy our downfall is not rash, — Now all our boys—and girls—seem ‘* going to smash !”’

VOL. %0Cv,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 4 - ~ ? = ee P % Se [Szrremper 29, 1888. #. ta, oi 4 Fi ; (ee F2. a Wy CS » « “TELL-TALE TIT!” (Middle 0 wuh both barrels bs NOT A BIT OF IT! Baaqnidae (har nq made The Keeper aghast 5 A PHEASANT!” sure ‘*Brrp ! Ww WHAT Septe nber / ** ANOTHER Bin——” ’Don’T KNO' MASTER 'LL SAY WHEN I TELL HIM! Wu’, You ’VE SHOT OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. A most amusing and companionable little book is Mr. Grorce | GROSSMITH’S Society Clown. | The ‘*Snobbish | Chapter” is, in idea, at least, quite Thacke- | rayan. “G.G.” thoroughly en- joys a story that lady who had “a Sunday out,” is deli- cious. What | became of this poor Columbine our gay Clown doesn’t tell us. Inspired to drop into poetry,—to the ’ air of “* The Fine Old English Gentleman” — I joyously sing,— The Clown in Society. I like to read G sornos Grossmiru’s tales of everywhere he goes, Of Princes, Dukes, and Duchesses, and all the swells he knows. I revel in the thought that I can see him on the stage, And sit in front without a smile, and put him in a rage. Chorus—This Clown of High Society, all of the modern time. I like to read the in-vi-ta-tion sent him by the Prince, To dine with H.R.H. abroad,—but has he had one since ? | with delight by the second and third generation. I like to think that I can go into the Galleree, And chuck an apple at his head,—which he can’t do to me. Chorus—This Clown of High Society, all of the modern time. To call himself “ a clown,” I think, is hard—on Harry Payne, Who always comes at Christmas Time with “‘ Here we are again!’ Who ’1l soon bring out his memoirs of tip-top Societee Where he never had the pleasure of encountering G. 6. Choruws—This Clown of High Society, all of the modern time. If you’re going a long journey by train, buy The Society Clown. The time will pass so quickly with this book in your hands, that the station where you ought to have got out will have escaped your notice, and you’ll wake up at the terminus with the prospect of having the book still to amuse you on the return journey. From gay to grave, I am still going quietly, very quietly, through Mr. Hawkuys’s most carefully compiled oa entertainingly written two Volumes, entitled, 7'he French Btage in the Eighteenth Century. He has stated the case of the disabilities of the French Comedians, on the whole, very fairly, considering that he candidly avows him- self a warm partisan, whose bias has prevented him from admitting that the other side has any case atall. His book, as far as I am able to judge from the first volume, ought to be a standard work of reference for students of the French stage in the Eighteenth Century. Several Correspondents write to me, asking, where can we procure those Weird Tales which you have twice recommended? Well, un- fortunately, there was a rush upon them by friends who promis faithfully to return them ; but instead of keeping their word, they ’ve kept my books. In the meantime I can only say that they are pocket vaumen adapted to anybody’s pocket, evidently, by the disappear- ance of my little lot,—consisting of a collection of very old ghost ’ | stories, English, Scotch, American, Irish, familiar, it may be, to most readers over fifty, but refreshing even to them, and accepted I am fond of old friends, and was delighted to welcome them in. Some of them, however, I had never read before. They are published b ParEneoh, Edinburgh, and are so portable that I wish they weren't, as I shal never see them more. ——

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t | | — SepTemBeR 29, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 147 | BRITISH STANDARD , | Org, 4 | y ) - a) Ky Ht WA | iil —" “A | \\ a 2 wai pa | 7 : aN : g SERN TANI had if e — \\ Ww " A Nika § )\ wWi YAY ’ YAN \\ i\ ' “THESE ENGLISH ARE SHREWDLY OUT OF BEEF!” Henry the Fifth, Act IIL, Se. 7. Lord Wolseley (to Tommy Atkins). ‘‘ Way, BLESS ME! YOU LOOK HALF STARVED! WHaT’LL You TAKE!” P propos of “‘ refreshing,” I have just dipped into Dr. Hverrer’s| letters of Ricuanp Waoner.——Strange Story of a Manuscript orrespondence of Wagner and Liszt. Letter-writing is to some of found in a Copper Cylinder. Ought to have been left there. It is us nuisance enough : letter-reading is worse. But in thiscase— | advertised as a Jules-Verne-like story, might be called a Verne- “ RicHarp and Francis were two clever men; |and-Vater story. It is childish: and its improbabilities are rendered Clever at music and clever with pen.” still more improbable by some of the pantomimic illustrations. Long These two geniuses wrote their thou i i way down-hill after Verne. ‘* Facilis descensus a Verne-o,” says Their letters are really the aoe Beasts ngulsively te hg am. | the ever classical and always happily grammatical in Art, but at issue over the great problems of life. Here and there, | LEARNED Baron De Boox-Worms. i naturally as possible, crop Bp business and domesticity. Of the aa Spec Corseqpendents, ” prefer Liszt, who writes in a tone| ‘‘ Frnve weather,” said Mrs. Ram; ‘‘ but these East winds are very conviction, which, except as regards music, is absent from the dangerous. My Nephew is laid up with an influential cold.”

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148 DUE NORTH. Other Climbs—Night—Lodgers— Early Rising— First Meal—Con- traction — Expansion — Arrival — Separation — Balmorality Anticipation— Alteration—** Strangers yet.” Honson, with the agility of a Harlequin, has disappeared by the | shortest and quickest route over the washing-stand into his berth. With his back turned to me, he murmurs, drowsily, but consoling to the last, — **You’ll like your berth. It’s deliciously com fort- able,—tip top! It’s the height of luxury.” Then he adds, in a gradually descending ainvaetonse egrinus—as he snuggles ito’ his pillow, -*' Good night, dear friend !”’ *Good night!” I re- turn, as I stand dubiously looking up towards the elevated jam - cupboard shelf in which I have to repose, if I can. * The height of luxury! —tip-top!’” I mutter to myself. “‘It is. How can I get there ?”’ ht.— Ne- Ha conltg, being the mother of invention, ought to give me a tip about a berth. Necessity’s tip is the em- haga of travelling- uaa a and campstools as ids towards getting into I > oer? sh this berth. Necessity may Economy of space in a small House. ws tip wa 8 hie arranging my planof campaign, I find myself humming involuntarily the air from the Bohemian Girl, ‘‘ My berth is noble, and unstained my crest.” But, if I come a cropper over attempt, my crest won't be unstained, One struggle for life... aclutch .. . akiek (if there were any- one in the berth beneath, how wild he would be—and very naturally with my toe within an inch of his pose—but, thank good- ness, there’s nobody there) ...a gasp... momentary spasm, as if a sinew had cracked somewhere— (didn’t Hamlet's sinews crack, or a>. didn’t he appeal to them to “ Bear him up ?”—yes—that ’s what I | say now, *‘ And you, my sinews, bear me strongly up! ”")—whoop !— and I sink breathless, a.o@mfused heap of “ dis billy,” on the jam- cupboard shelf, the hedeelothes disarranged, and the floor littered with bags and campsteols, which the next man who comes in will have to clear away. As to re-arranging the pocket-handkerchief which does duty for a sheet, or doing anything with the strip of flannel meant to represent a blanket, I give it up im despair. Stretching is impossible ; so is sitting up: even turning requires the most careful attention. No—certainly a berth on a steamer is not the place where “ the weary are at rest,” nor am I at all sure that it is the place ‘‘ where the wicked cease from troubling,” as one of our fellow-passengers, entering in the dark, and, stumbling over the campstools and bags, swears horribly. Happy Thought.—Pretend to be fast ai. No connection with bags and campstools. Ohno! ‘‘ Confound them ! Who could have put them there’ Infernally idiotic!” Quite so. Good night! Fellow lodger, who subsequently occupies what I may term the ground How did this Lady manage to get into any berth, specially a top one ? floor under Hopson’s apartment, switches on the electric light, not altogether, as I fancy from his manner, unmaliciously, though it pro- duces no effect on either myself or Honson, who are both, like Brer Fox, ** layin’ low and sayin’ nuffin’. After some puffing and wrestling with luggage, —his own, I hope,—our Fellow-lodger switches off the light, crawls to his hole, and subsides. We are all quiet,—play- ing at being asleep,—-when the fourth lodger enters, and wses more PUNCH, OR THE LONDON | conversation with the Veteran. | young lady, beaming gracefully across counter |me in her pleasantest manner, with just a flattering gre in her tone—(and without any brogue, so she isn’t “‘a Scotch lassie, |—that the hotel is full; whereupon, the Hall Porter, —$—— CHARIVARL (Surremper 29, 1888, bad language in the dark. The effect of the darkness is demoralising, Then he makes grabs at everybody’s luggage, tumbling about as if he were playing Blind-man’s Buff, until the first fellow lodger on the ground floor at Honson’s) growls out, ‘‘ Why don’t you switch on the electric light ’” Whereupon the latest arrival, who has brought into the cabin a curiously blended aroma of tobacco and whisky, guides himself up to the switch by laying hold of the side of my berth, which causes me to give a warning kick in the direction of where I think either his nose or his eye may be, just as a quiet hint that he had better not rouse the sleeping lion in the jam-cupboard. ‘‘Switch-back” amusement. Once more the full electric light is switched on, and our friend commences his preparations for retiring, humming the “* Boulanger March,’ with variations from other sources, and inter- rupted by occasional ejaculatory anathemas on everybody else’s lug , and especially on the bags and campstools, which latter, after barking his shins severely with them, he chucks violently into the saloon, exclaiming, ‘‘ Out you go, dash you!” and I feel that |the campstools so addressed are myself in effigy. At last he, too, crawls, like a wounded rabbit, into the hole in the tree (as it were underneath my nest, where I distinctly hear him groaning and rubbing his ancle. Then, as he has forgotten to switch off the light, |in a few minutes’ time a deep voice from below—it is the voice ot | Hopson’s ground-floor lodger—asks me, if I ‘‘ won’t mind switch- ling it off, as it’s nearest me.” My first idea is to continue my | pretence of being asleep; but, on second thoughts, as there is less | chance than ever of getting any sleep with this light glaring right |in my eye, I uncurl myself very cautiously, somehow, lift myself up without hitting my head, and extend my arm without falling out, 'and once more we are in comparative darkness, and [ am having a final struggle with the bed-clothes. Morning.—Dear friend Hopson up very early. Wish Dear Friend would stop in hed. He says he wants to see the sunrise. Evidently he has never seen it before. He is delighted that I have slept so well. I am obliged to admit that I have slept. Gradually fellow - pas- sengers reappear. e majority look as if they had slept in their clothes. With many of them a ——- is a substitute ‘ or the particularities of \ the toilette. ie How the ladies must regret their curling- irons! I quite under- Th a stand the objection of Pgh marae . some ies toa voyage ng by steamboat. The First Day. Breakfast,-Marvellous solo performances on fish, eggs, chops, bread and butter, toast, coffee, marmalade. Poor Steward! Hosson | beams on mewhen I take a chop. ‘It’s doing you good,” he says |cheerily. I hope so, I’m sure, All the contractors being in great form at breakfast, take twice and even three times of everything. erry Thought (except for Steward).—They contract, but they | also expand. | We dine mbark at Granton. I part with dear friend Hopson, whom I thank heartily for the pleasant trip, givimg him the credit for the | fine weather and Srersiking. whereat he repeats, ‘‘I told you it | would.be all right.” and is uncommonly pleased that I am pleased | Off he goes to his destination, and. as the boat has just conveniently | missed the only train that would have taken me to Lochglennie, I am in Edinbro’ alone. Title for novel, Alone in Edinbro’ ! Remember to have heard of an eight o’clock table d’héte at the Balmoral Hotel. At the Balmoral.—\ like the name of Balmoral. So proper. A Balmasky Hotel would attract a class of customers who preferred 4 ‘*Bal” without the ‘‘moral.” Willing and obliging Hall Porter, with beaming smile, as if he had been expecting me ever so long and is 80 glad to see me at last, fetches my luggage out of fly. Pleasant and affable young ladies at the bureau. None of your stuck-up minxes with ounebele else’s hair piled up on the top of their heads. Oh, no: nothing of that sort. Agreeable, affable ; probably ‘‘ Scotch lassies. Old gentleman of florid complexion, with fierce white moustache, and of an upright carriage suggestive of retired Indian Colone (on, the stage in a farce with Mr. Tooxe), or the Master of a Ring, |and wearing a peculiar hat with a brim so crisply curled up at the sides that, with a few strings and a rosette, it might suit a Junior | Dean, is standing in hall. Know his face: recognise his ferocious white moustache. He is the beau idéal of Sergeant Bouncer in Coz |and Bor. Being alone in the world just now, I am glad to initiate a I am pees yr when pleasant bureau, informs ing tinge of regret still with

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Ve eS

Oe SepremBeR 29, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 149

| THE DIVIDED SKIRT. | beaming smile which has not yet faded away, promptly picks up my | gage and is off with it to the <b His rule is, ** Welcome ie dear PGuest, and speed the parting.” The “‘ parti 7, fucst, to him as a rule, must be the more valuable, and more to be smiled at. ere am I togo? More alone in Edinbro’ oon ever! On the chance of some suggestion being made, I address the gallant jouncer. _, The Veteran replies cheerily in broad Seotch,—The McBouncer,—and I gather his meaning to be, that, if they haven’t a bedroom here, they (the Balmoral Hotel, that is) can get me one elsewhere. Ye’ll just taylaphone,” says the McBouncer, turning to one of the pleasant young ladies, and, on hearing this, she at once sounds a bell to bespeak some- | body s attention. The Veteran evidently possesses some local influence. The Hall Porter pauses, and the smile, which had almost died out with the removal of the third bag, begins to beam again gradually. Song to Hall Porter, ‘‘ O smile as thou wert wont to smile Before that weight of care,” &e. Substitute “luggage” tor ** care,” and there’s the ballad complete so far. Shining “‘ Boots ”—quite | an “‘ Upper leather ”—assists cheerfully. ; The McTaylaphone replies that he places the best bedroom at my disposal, and I accept. I am ‘‘ bedded out” like a plant, but return to the Balmoral at feeding time, 8 P.M. J Balmorality Dinner.—Large room. Small tables, so that one can dine quietly aune, or with three strangers at most. It being just the end of August, of course fiche will be on the menu, and of course, this being Scotland, we shall have dishes peculiar to the country, I don’t know what the dishes are, except Seotch broth, collops, and haggis—(*‘ The Midnight haggis” mentioned by Macheth),— pat every country has its spécialités, Let’s see. Here’s the McMenu. Potage”—that’s French, not Scotch; perhaps they mean ‘‘ Porridge”—no ye a, onsommé au Profitrol” (what on earth's that ?) and ‘‘ Purée aux Navets.” | 4Vavets”’ not Seotch. I read on: all French, nothing Scotch :—*‘ Sole au | gratin, Merlan frit sauce Tartare—Croquettes—Compite—Baeuf Rétw—Agneau, | Salade,” —excellent dinner, but no Grouse ! | ws protest to German Waiter, who doesn’t clearly comprehend. English | peiter, lively and attentive, ises the justice of the protest. He, too, is — in Edinbro’, for the other Waiters are foreigners. He returns, delighted i able to inform me that I can have Grouse, “instead of ” Beef. I think the stipulation somewhat severe, but I accept the terms, though I am not treated sisely on ‘‘ the most favoured nation ” (or ration) principle, as I have to pa le ~a-crown extra. The Grouse being excellent, and the whole dinner good, bet content. Everything satisfactory at the Balmoral Hotel on this occasion, t, on my return visit, only the f ing week, when I am leaving Scotlan imagine that it was the same Hotel.

I entered with a smile of ition for everyone, as it seemed only yesterday since | fad quitted ho place. But “a change come over the spirit of their dream.” There was no beaming Hall Porter, only a McSulky, who growled ont oenettae, and diegptinele The genial and courteous Veteran McBouncer was to be seen. The affable and sympathetic Fairies of bureau were no longer there, though I fancy I spied one of them with her pleasant face bent over the ledger, not to look up and smile, for fear of the other ree, who, I remark, are severe, stiff, and una ble. was I, once more “‘ Alone in Edinbro’ with a bag great-coat. _ “Can I leave my things here?” I ask of a Boots, who, instead of answering, dives head-foremost down a dark passage, and is lost to view. Not the Boots of a week ,—New Boots ; never did like New Boots; no longer and is aq I repeat my question, timidly, I it, but if lam wrong in addressing her on the su she will, 1 trust, graciously correct me, Not a bit of it. “Can I leave me a eee utmost deference. ble young but walks ly towards the other side of the Hall. H distant manner chills and me. if I had to her been indignantly rejected. re yy i mo aot ok her eee, Ss oy I ca a etic glance from easant ya “ul will girl at feel that, with all the in the world to be affable and nice-spoken, she can’t do it as at present situated. ia nd : The Head Waiter comes ‘the stairs, I try Aim. Can I leave my——” ; but my mouth he too has i with a whisk of the neT idak by gang we-ctoiee 12 ibienll I y up- a manger, procure some Siuntion teen a startled cham id, who eyes me suspiciously, but who kindly allows me the use rf soap and wae and a jock -tonel 2s paecomm, pee ing, apparently, no properly a: avatory. at has come over them all’ fs this a bad day with the Balmoralities ? The dinner at 8 is good enough (no Grouse), but the Waiters bring and take away the dishes in a violent hurry, as if they had backed themselves against time to make so many people swallow five or six courses and have everything cleared away in half an hour from the moment of starting. So swiftly do the dishes come and that when I am at the second course two undersized erman Waiters are hovering about me with the pudding. Not out of greediness, nor from any inordinate craving of the appetite, but simply to show them that I will not be bullied, and that I positively refuse to do a serious injury to my digestion merely because they have a match against time, I determine to take or at least, to order, twice of everything except the soup. ** Saumon sauce Genevoise, or Merlan frit?” asks a German Waiter, bending over me insinuatingly, givir me the choice of two platefuls. I reply sternly, I w take Saumon first, anD the Merlan frit afterwards. _ The German Waiter almost collapses. He cannot believe his ears. But I mean what I say; and I do take both. This happens with all the other courses. I pull up at the Entremets, of which there are four varieties, Long before I have finished, all the unprotesting table d’héters, who yield in e spiritless manner to the tyranny of their oppressors, have stuffed themselves in « hurry and been cleared away. . . * . * I have anticipated my journey back so as to avoid a second visit to Edin bro’. At present I am in to start to-morrow morning, having wired to that effect te *D, B.,” at Lochglennie. : ym Ages al Locegaee ror MILitakY Manmevens— n Styria, w the Chamois ing is going on. Shans War. Aha! Yours ever, The = of vied rall Locked up again! Under Colney Hatches. }

Wart Wovrp ne Lert or Ir ?—If one of Zora’s latest works—say, for example, La Terre—were

d; | for the English publie, the book would probably come out in the form of a clearly printed four-paged pam:

< : a Se a

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PUNCH, OR ——, [SerpremBer 29, 1888, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Au! Y, THE RES, IT'S ALI M So YOU SCORE AGAIN VERY WELL FoR You FELLOWS TO TALK Sprortt Cuitp or Roya.ty irse_F! I your Porms, your SPEECHES REMAIN TO SHOW ¢ Paint ‘“WHAT OVERRATED DUFFERS WE WERE ie The Statesman and the Poct. ‘‘ Hear Y ity ' ‘ Riess \aH 4 A CHAPTER ON FAME. ABOUT MY BEING THE Pet oF THE PuBLIc, THE IDOL oF TH THAT; BUT REMEMBER THAT MY ART DIES WITH ME—WHEREAS TWENTIETH CENTURY WHAT—A—WHAT——" NINETEENTH, EH? WHEREAS YOU LL NEVER BE FOUND OUT, OLD HEA} ADMIT ALI THE IN THI THE NEMESIS OF NEGLECT. “ Just as long as the dwellings of this race con- in their present condition, their whole ser- ngs a sort of warren of foul alleys garnished flaring lamps of the gin-shops, and offer- if lodgers, for all conceivable wicked moses, every possible accommodation to further e, we shall have still to go on—affecting ent that in such a state of things we have s, from time to time, of the horrors of the "8. G. O.,” in Times of 18th Sep- n his Letter entitled, “ At Last.” und all sorte at Tere is no light along those winding ways Other than lurid gleams like marsh-fires fleeting ; Thither the sunniest of summer days Sends scarce one golden shaft of gladsome greeting. | June noonday has no power upon its gloom More than the murky fog-flareof December ; A Stygian darkness seems its settled doom ; Life, like a flickering ember, There smoulders dimly on in deathly wise, | Like sleep-dulled glitter in a serpent’s eyes. Yet as that sullen sinister cold gleam At me a prey to a fierce flame shall luckKen, dull life that lurks in this dread scene, e sharp goad of greed or hatred | stricke n, Flares into hideous force and fierceness foul, Swift as the snake to spring and strong to capture. By t Here the sole joys are those of the man-ghoul. Such hideous wreck among. us, deaf and Thirst-thrill and pt iy an Held Danre’s Circles such a dwelling-place ? Did primal sludge e’er harbour such a race ? It is not Hades, nor that world of slime Where dragons tare and man-shaped mon- sters fought. Civilisation’s festering heart of crime Is here, and here some loathly glimpse is caught Of its barbaric beating, pulsing through Fair limbs and flaunting garb wherewith blind, (shatter. As all our sheltering shams shall rend and The den is dark, secluded, it may yield To Belial a haunt, to Mammon profit ; But we shall reap the tillage of that tield In harvest meet for Tophet. Slum-farming knaves suck shameful wealth from sin, But a dread Nemesis abides therein. Dank roofs, dark entries, closely-clustered walls, | homes | op: ‘ | Vice to be nursed to violence hither comes, Murder-inviting nooks, death-reeking gutters, A boding voice from your foul chaos calls, When will men heed the warning that i utters ? There floats a phantom on the slum’s foul air, Shaping, to eyes which have the gift ol seeing, Into the Spectre of that loathly lair. Face it—for vain is fleeing ! Red-handed, ruthless, furtive, unerect, ’Tis murderous Crime—the Nemesis Nurture unnatural, abhorrent tillage ! Neglect ! What sin soever amidst luxury springs, = Here amidst poverty finds full fruition. There is no name for the unsexed foul things Plunged to their last perdition In this dark Malebolge, ours—which yet We build, and populate, and then—forget ! "tis hiddun. Mere human sewage ? true! Society’s kitchen-midden ! But hither crowd the ills which are our bane: | And thence in viler shape creep forth again. True, O Sage! most | Whence? Foulness!filters here from honest And thievish dens, town-rookery, rural village. Tae Sretkes mw Parts.—This Tower Eiffel being built by an Eiffel-utin’ gentle- man seems to be productive of nearly much discord as its prototype of Babel. A lunatic project, at best, but the only sensible yerson to appeal to in the present difficulties | is, luckily, ‘* The Sane Prefect.” It will not be forgotten ; it will find A voice, like the voleano, and will scatter

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red ing PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Sepremper 29, 1888. My ii | Us owed Diese wee beene =r THE NEMESIS OF NEGLECT. “THERE FLOATS A PHANTOM ON THE SLUM’S FOUL AIR, SHAPING, TO EYES WHICH HAVE THE GIFT OF SEEING, INTO THE SPECTRE OF THAT LOATHLY LAIR, FACE IT—FOR VAIN IS FLEEING! RED-HANDED, RUTHLESS, FURTIVE, UNERECT, ’TIS MURDEROUS CRIME—THE NEMESIS OF NEGLECT!”

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The Oh, j Profe Was self | will quar

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| SepremBer 29, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 153 | THE (POLITICAL) PLEASURES OF MEMORY. We want, indeed, another Samver Roeers, | The dullest, sure, of all poetic ory pe | To sing in omer | verse, as once did he, | The Pleasures of (Political) Memory. Oh, joy—if you’re a Statesman—just to cast A retrospective glance upon the past, The pamphlets written in your fiery youth, And then be told you are not speaking truth ; | To chat about the Cabinets you have known, And then to have this charge against you thrown, That your remarks are disingenuous riddles, In fact, that you are telling taradiddles! () Memory, friend of philosophic age ! You seem to put our Statesmen in a rage. Memory, of course, may be a boon, but ‘ then | There seem as Many memories as men ; | And no two of those memories accord | More than their owners do, which seems absurd. They won’t agree in style at all exact About the shortest speech or simplest fact, Bet yesterday, or twenty years ago ; One vows ‘’twas thus, another swears *twas 80, briar, And, though in speech as bland as a sweet- Each = the other an egregious—story- teller. sage of Memory? At the phrase one smiles ; Pleasures of wrangling tabbies on the tiles | Of scuffing crows over some carrion scrap ‘ No, Rogers, you need not return, old chap! ‘Is Marriage a Failure ? ”’ AH me, my dear, my dear Mr. Punch, Iam afraid it is! L’ve done my best; but no, the Thanes fly from me, and I am, in the language of Lawn Tennison, * Love Fiery ’—alas Can’T-MARI-ANy IN THE Moatep GRANGE. Dean Srr,—Marriage is a failure, at least in my case. I’ve been rejected again Tm Ipieten. to-day. ‘* This is the third time of asking.” | | Nis f \ " {\\) HAPPY HAWARDEN. Mr. Gl-dst-ne sings to the Mahdi Ali, at Hawarden, to the Air of ‘‘ Marlbrook.” ( Aside.) TELL ANOTHER LIKE THAT I CAN, AND sO YOU HAVE COME FROM THE Nizam? | PRAY TELL HIM HOW I GOOD AND WISE AM, (Aloud.) Now sit YE BENEATH MY UMBRELLA, |Tuoven at TIMES TROUBLED MUCH I By FLIEs| AND CHUCKLE LIKE OLD Mister WELLER, I sTILL AM THE GRAND OLD MAN. (aM, | WHEN AXB'D IF YOU EB'ER BAW A FELLAH Say, I Love THE MA-HOM-ME-DAN— | Like me, I’m THe Granp OLp Man ! orms out tion. , arrived. abaggpee | not hundred Professor Blackie who never out of St. James’s Excellent self and partner * Perhaps will burst forth upon us all Sree oS is when the THE LONDON BLACKS. Moorr’s Melodies at the St. James’s Hall are nowadays those played at least such was once the tradi- | It is now exploded. They have, we believe, played out of the and a cataclysm has not) but this won’t do for us. On their programme the | No Moore at present from title ‘‘ Christy Minstrels” is not to| an heard eneored vociferously, but the strict | _ rules of the primitive Christy’uns | life, at a do not admitot encores being taken. | Rev. Yoieks Tal themselves ‘‘ The Burgess and No-More Minstrels.” was Buroess on this memorable occasion? Does Mr. £z j there must ever be a slight cloud of | my C ess passing over the happy faces of the audience at the thought, | that while Moore is working like a Nigger, Burorss is—doing what ? Careering about, enjoying himself? Or also working ? here ts Buroess? Tell me, Shepherds, have you seen my Burorss pass this by the evergreen and ever black-faced Moore and Burgess Min-| WY * Depend upon it that when they want a real novelty to strels. The Minstrel Boy never attract all London, they ll announce to the wars, as he never Great Nient wrra tHe Moore ann Bororss Mrxsraers! gre Frast APPRARANCE OF Burorss They are welcome to this suggestion ; but the curiosity of the public is aroused, and will not be satisfied, except by Burorss, ‘Plenty of Burgesses in the City of London,” Mr. Moore will reply ; Loud calls for Burcess! Borerss! an Yours truly, Brack Jack iv THe Private Box. T- of St. James’s Hall, —| be found. hy is this thus P| = ae e th af Christy uns ? | A LITTLE “ CUTTING.” the inauguration of their! Herr is an advertisement from the first sheet of the Times, Sep- Twenty-fourth consecutive Season, | tember 21, whieh will ple Mr. Evceye Srratron sang ‘* The | with the spirit of Christianit whiely will please Mrs. Lyww Lovrow, who, ‘‘ touched oe is so hard in the Fortnightly Review Coon” for the 1135th/on the dear ‘‘ petits abbés”” of the Kighteenth Century :— the audience, who had |f\0 NOBLEMEN ané others.—A young Clergyman, fond of riding, driving, it one thousand one | shooting, hunting, eriéket, and all outdoor sports, would be glad to hear | of a good LIVING. oe Sen Quite the sort of cleric fora Ru . 's life—sporting at all evente— in the old Established Church yet. We hope the _ won't be long without a living in a good-going e drink to him a Stirrup Cup. and thirty-five times, rule. They should call | grass country. A propos, where a sing for in reserve, and tertainment achieves its | ‘4 SERIOUS CHARGE.” Srr,—Three-and-threepence for one dozen of the best natives at inb!! I’ve backed my bill, and sign myself, Grotto Club. Sonviturn Dawpo. ——————

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— 194 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Serreusen 29, 1888. | anger.) Eh, this is too bad noo —I’ll thank no man for | making me a bed, ’cept those that are meant in airnest. | No one bed onything for a beast like this! Then I hae tp tell ye ye’ve not bed near up to the resairve price on it, Suddenly becomes weary of the animal.) Tak’ it awa’. The next horse is ledin.) Now, here’s a beast that ‘s| well-known, I’m thenkin’. (Zhe general expression | signifies that its reputation is not altogether to its credit, There ’s a well-bred mare—open up, and let her shoyw | hersel’. (The mare is shown, but fails to excite com- petition.) Ah, ye’ll ony buy screws to-day, an’ not the | | nice things at a’—tak’ her 4 (The mare is erq | | | out ignominiously ; Auctioneer, followed by crowd, leads the way to where a pony and trap are standing har- nessed). Noo, I’m gaun to pit up the pony an van—just | show them hoo she goes in hairness, boy. (70 intrusire | collie.) Out of the way, dug, in case ye get your feet smashed. (Zrap starts off, and is driven out of sight. Whaur’s the laddie gaun ta? Thenks he’ll show him. sel’ at Naira, maybe! Ah, here she comes. (Trap returns at a modest pace.) Stan’ back noo, all of ye; give her room. I'll sell the mare first, and a beauty she is—what shell we say ? Ten poons—and she’s a nice one! , | Well, stairt her at five, she may get up. (Bidding gets Hy | up to ten pounds, where it stops.) Then she goes at ten, a #/, \and I’m very glad she’s gaun to a gude auld friend \‘/ |’ mine—Meester McKenzre, o’ Glenbannock. Wull ye say five mair, and take the hairness, Meester McK eyzre? | It’s richt hairness! (Mr. McK. declines to be tempted. | Well, I’m sorry ye wull na, I’d ha liked (sentimentally, as if it had been the dream of his life) for the mare an’ the hairness to go togither and no to pairt them—but as | tis, it canna be helped. We’ll pass on to the pegs, if| | you please. (Passes to a row of pens containing pigs, and mounts some planks placed fh we the top.) Now, these are some proper pegs. (A rush is made for the rails enclosing the pigs, which instantly become self- conscious a redouble their grunts). Noo, laddies, laddies, it’s no fair o’ ye taking up a’ the room i’ that | way. I’m quite sure there’s a lot o’ ye in front that’s no at pegs—ye hanna the luik o’ pairsons that buy —— v f pegs. Stan’ by for shame, and don’t keep them that | > \ comes to buy, where they canna see sae much as a tail. -_——~\ 7 a Hoo much apiece for these palefaced pegs? Ye’ve an 2 . pl ds awfu’ guid view o’ them then, Meester Fercuson—luik See Oe —_ this way once again for forrty an’ threepence. (Per- suasively.) It’ll soun’ better wi’ the threepence. aun’ Mr. SLIBLOTES WAS THINKING HE WANTED A LITTLE CHANGE, AND WHETHER | for forty an’ three. (Zhe owner of the pigs calls out | HE AND FLARROP MIGHTN’T RUN OVER FOR A COUPLE 0 DAYS TO SPA OR| «+ No! ” I thocht I made a law here that people having W iksBaAD—— | _ | pegs should gie me the resairve at the time—see what Mrs. S. (who had been reading ‘‘the Papers” too). ‘‘On, An! AND THERE'S | ye do now, Perer MacPuarrson, make a fule of the buyers ar ; TO BE A Beauty Suow THere! On, I sHovip so L1keE——I'LL GO WITH | anda fuleo’ mysel’ !—but (with tolerant contempt Perer | you, DEAR!’ [But he didn't go, and the Beauty Show was a failure. |is not a strong man, we must no be haird on Pere. ————— Roar from crowd ; disappearance of Mr. MacPu.) I'll cancel no more sales that way, however, as I eentimate VOCES POPULI. to ye once for a’. ‘ f AT A HIGHLAND CATTLE AUCTION. | "Arry (on tour from Town—to his admiring friend). | : , say, CHARLEY, what d’yer bet I don’t talk to some of | Scene—A Yard. In the open space between the rows of pens the Auctioneer | these chaps in their own lingo ? is trying to dispose of some horses which are trotted out one by one in the Charley. What a fellow you are! Mind what you are usual fashion, about, that’s all. The Auctioneer (spectacled, red-bearded, canny, slightly Arcadian touch| ’Arry (going up to an elderly person in the only Scotch imparted by straw hat, and a sprig of heather in his button-hole). What’ll I | cap vistble). Hech, Sair, but yon’s a braw bonnie wee bit say for this noo? (A horse of a meditative mien is just brought in.) Here’s a| piggie fur a body to tak’ a richt gude wullie waucht wi beast, and a very good beast, from Lochaber! (The bystanders remain unmoved.) gin ye meet him comin’ thro’ the rye! He was bred by Meester MacF ar.ane, o’ Drumtappit, and ye ’ll all ha’ haird on e Person in the Scotch cap (who happens to be a him as the biggest breeder in these pairts. (Heads are shaken, so much as to| retired Colonel in a Highland Regiment, who is some-| intimate that this particular animal does not do Mr. MacF artanx justice.) Trot | what careless in his attire). I think you will find that sort him up an’ doon a bit, boy, and show his action—stan’ away back there! | of thing better appreciated after you ’ve got home. (With affected concern.) Don't eurb him so tight—be careful now, or (Apry returns to CHARLEY, feeling much smaller ye’ll do meeschief to yourself an’ others! (As the horse trots past them, than he allows his friend to perceive. several critics slap it disrespect fully Py ran oy a which it bears with meekness.) There’s a ‘or ye—he’s a guid woorker, a gran’ beast—hoo much shall we say for him P Nobody seems able to express his A LIBERAL-UNIONIST BIRD. ; appreciation of the grand beast in figures.) Just to stairt ye then—twenty poon!| Tue writer of an interesting article on “ Birds of ( ¥ ven the animal himself appears slightly staggered by this sum; bystanders | London,” in last week’s Saturday Review, quoting the late are quietly derisive; Auctioneer climbs rapidly down without interruption| Franx Bucktanp, says that the thrush “ does actually till he reaches siz pounds, when he receives his first bid.) Sex poon’ is bed | sing the following words,—‘ Knee deep, knee deep, knee for ’'m—is there ony advance on sex poon? (Someone in the background :— | deep; cherry du, cherry du, cherry du, cherry du ; white “* Fifteen shellin’!”) Sex-fefteen—noo, Meester McKopsre, wull ye no luik | hat, white hat; pretty Joey, pretty Joey, pretty Joey. | this way? (Mr. McR. responds by a decided negative.) Ye won't ? Ah, IIs this bird to be heard in the neighbourhood of Prince's never got ony guid from ye—scept when I didn’t meet ye. (This piece of | Gardens, South Kensington ? or, if he ever performs out Scotch ‘‘ wut” raises a laugh at Mr. McR.’s expense, but does not affect the | of London, was he down at Bradford the other day, s108- | bidding, which still languishes.) Then, he’s going at sex-fifteen—for the last | ing, with very slight variation, ‘‘ Knee deep, cheery t™, | time. Whaur’s my bedder at sex-fifteen? (Repentance or modesty prevents the | cheery too, white hat, pretty Joey!” If the London bidder from coming forward, and the Auctioneer continues, more in grief than Thrush did this, wasn’t it a Lark !

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serrevnen 29, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 17. “ee uy PE Se (ccadtter atetait?e LIKA JOKO’S PIC-NIC. The Plaint of a Patriot. Thought for the Close of the Cricket Season. “The great majority of London Waiters are foreigners.” — G lobe. ’Twixt belle and batsman there ’s some difference small ; We licked ’em all in the tented field, One likes, the other doesn’t, ‘‘ a good ball.” And now at the tabl ield ? Belle hopes for, batsman doesn’t, ‘‘ a rare catch.” If so it is aatout Geena With her twill win, with bim ’t may lose the ‘* Match.” That foreigners win by “‘ a waiting game.” ** From what I hear of Mister Zoia’s works,” observed Mrs. Ram, indignantly, “‘ I wouldn't read five lines of his cleverest writings unless all the horrible disgusting stuff were first illuminated out of them.” a EY ives” AT Ta Crystat Patace.—The second appear- | ennounced, RBOHM TREE as False-stuff has not yet been | SHAKSPEARE FOR SENSATIONAL ADVERTISERS, APPROPRIATE TO THE Szasow.—Q. What is double as good a Hane out our horrors on the City walls ; game as Fives ?—4. (evident.) Tennis. The cry is, still ‘‘ They come !” eee

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‘CHARIVARL [Smerexnen 29, 1888, | :, "ARRY ON MARRIAGE. Jean CHARLIE, Your larst wos a lark ; gave me fits and no error, old pal. ‘eard ’Axny was ’ooked after all, and engaged to old SuppLewie’s gal ? Come now! who are yer gettin’ at, carnt yer’ Me make up to Carroty Mre ? Are you on the mug-lumbering lay, or has « bin pulling your leg ? | You ve yme yer Who give you that orfice, dear boy’ It is wonderful rum, swelp me bob, ’Ow these ere sort o’ things get about. Curie, I’m fair on the job, As you know, with the ladies all round ; carnt resist me, the sweet little dears ; But ’ook on to one ? I should ’ope not for years. Fact is, tun in blinkers at my time of life? Try the tandem with me in the shafts ? Not likely! I likes a short run with the trimmest of tight little crafts ; But one consort all over the course like, is not ’Arry’s form by a lump ; ’Ow could you imagine, dear boy, as yours truly ’ad gone off his chump ” ** Oh, ask me another,” sez you ; Is Marriage a failure, my pippin ? Werry true! ‘* That kibosh ’as ’ad a long innings, and wants yorking out.” The D. 7. is a regular mug-trap, there isn’t a doubt about that, But you must ha’ bin reading it, CuaRtie, to go and book me for a flat. ‘Is Marriage a failure ?” old mivvies are asking. Of course that depends ; But a dashing young feller like me, with good looks, and good ’ealth, and good friends, [and nice, Knows a trick that’s worth two on it, Cuartre. While life goes on nutty | And the ochre slings in pooty slick, it is blooming bad bizness to splice. Look at swells! They ain’t in no dashed ’urry to church themselves out ot good fun ; And wy? Clear as mud, my dear feller! The cash keeps ’em fair on the run. When they do get stone-broke prematoor like, as ’appen it may to the best, Then they looks for a Missus with money, and rucks in along o’ the rest. sut the ruck is no place for a racer as hasn’t yet parted with pace, Ain't aged, nor yet turned a roarer, but still ’as a chance of the race. | While a hoss can find backers, dear boy, it will run if it’s got any blood, And when no ‘andicapping won't land it, it’s time then to go to the stud. I mean ’aving a run for my money; no ’arness and nosebag for me ; Leastways not at present, my pippin ; I like to feel rorty and free, And the gals likes it too, I can tell yer ; lor’ bless yer, if I did a splice D' yer think I should be so much sought for, or found arf as jolly and nice ? Wot mucks me, old man, is the manner in which a chap gets the off-shunt | As soon as he’s labelled ‘‘ engaged,” and so ’eld to be out of the ’unt. | He may be jest as nice as Jemimer, all flare-up, and everythink fly, But when once he gits wot’s called feeonsay, the gals jolly soon do a guy! If this "ere tommy-rot got about, mate—I mean my engagement to Mzc, It ud spile ’ArRy’s game with the gals wus than fits or a dashed wooden leg. No; it’s “‘I’d be a butterfly,” Cuarurme, with me, for a long time to come ; | Married life may be ticketed honey, but I know it’s more of a hum. ‘*Spoons”’ is proper; the best barney out, mate; but marriage—that brings knife -cnd-todts. Fancy carving for five, plus the Missus! I tell you, old pal, it means work. You remember Bos Bryxks—a rare dasher! fair filberts he wos on a spree, Now he ’as to grub seven, all told, and he ain’t five year older than me. Met him yesterday, Cuantie. ‘‘ Well Bonar, ’ow trots it, my topper ?”’ sez I. ** Trot, ’Angy,” sez he, “‘ ain’t the word ; ’ardly runs to the craw] of a fly.” He'd a hapron on, CHartre, and kicksies as must ha’ been cut by his wife, Him as used to sport Kxvo’s best dittos on week doys! And that’s married life! ** Wot, «s Marriage a failure?” I chuckles, sez Bon, And—he swore ’twas a cold in the ’ead, but I’m blowed if it wasn’t a sob. ‘* Seven mouths, and six weeks out of work, mate! In Queer Street, and cleared of the quids! | I should just make a ’ole in the water, if ’tworn’t for the wife and the kids.” | | I stood him a lotion, poor beggar; he’d stood me a lot in his time, | For I was jest fresh on the war-path when Bosse was fair in his prime. Great Scott, wot a patter he ’ad, and a mouth on ’im, ah! like the doose ; | And now he wears old ’ome-made bags, and can ’ardly say bo to a goose. ** The kids is the crux of the question,” says Mrs. Lyyw Luytoy. In course! Bossier Boyxs could ha’ told her that, CHarum, and put it with dollops more She's a-teaching ’er grandmother, she is, although she’s a littery swell, [{force. And as to ‘ the State” steppin’ in, yah! the State knows its book fur too well. Not me, CHARLIE ; leastways, | **Oh, cheese it, old feller!” If the country took care of the kids, and diworce was | made easy all round, | Wy, Z’d marry, mate, early and often, and so would lots more, Ill be bound. But, oh my, wot a mix, my dear Cuar.ie! and Free Contract? Oh, yus! The Guyment as Grandmother’s dear, mate, but wo would it cost as a Nuss ? Free Love In one thing, old pal, I go pairs, with this Mrs. Lyyy LuyTown exact. She sez ‘it ’s a—let’see, wot is it ?—a ** physiological fact” That some chaps who’re fair flamers as lovers, an failures as ’usbands. That’s me! So I mean spooning round like permiskus, and Mrs, J. would agree. Whether man’s poly—wot’s it >—by nature, I’m blowed if I know, my dear boy, But a man, if he isn’t a juggins, makes fair for one mark—to enjoy. | If I was a Toff and ’ad tin, I should do as the Toffs do, no doubt. Yank ou to one gal, a fair screamer, and yet keep my ogles about. | That’s wot I call genuine yum-yum, fair rations all round, and no kid But it’s doosed expensive, dear boy, and not done ona cou le of ‘ uid. Ah! a lot of hightlyers is spiked for the want of the ochre, wus luck! Wot’s the good of a way with the women all round, when a cove’s got the chuck ? No, Cuan.ie, the dowdy-domestic, pap-bowls, p’ramber- lators, and that Is at ae idea of the rosy, so Mre@ don’t ’ook me for | a fiat. If it ever should run to a Wife, and—well, trimmings, perhaps I may marry, Sut till lean splice ah lah Toff, Cuartie, no double- | ’arness for ’ Apry, | ‘Toe ExvizaBeTHAN Drama REVIVED” AT THE Cu- | rERION.—See Mr. Matrsy as the Tutor. First-rate | acting. Also Lorrre Venn’s Betsy. All good: rattling | through three Acts in two hours in splendid fashion. The Author, being present one night, thought he would | take a leaf out of Mr. Riper Hacearp’s latest book, - | AN ADMIRALTY BALLAD. Lately Sung, with far too much success, by the First Lord You tell me that the lately gathered fleet Reflects no credit on the British Navy,— That, formed of ships of types grown obsolete, It well may set alarmists crying ‘* Cave !” You point to bursting guns, defective speed, To priming boilers, and insist ’tis funn That { of all these things should take no heed. : ** No heed,” forsooth! *Tis that I have no money: For, let the angered country fume or frown, You see, I’m bound to keep expenses down. So if to-morrow, by some grave mischance, These piping times of peace should know infraction, And war declared with our good neighbour, France, Should see us worsted in some naval action, And if our food-supply should halt,—then cease, And famine force us in capitulation To sue upon our bended knees for peace, And bite the dust in our humiliation I still should glory, though they sacked the town, That in my day I kept expenses down ! WELL Berore THE Time.—No, no! We cannot stand this! Just asthe summer is beginning—September 18,— but better late than never, I find, placed on my § table, with the comapilor’s compliments, a copy of 5 Diary of 1889!!! Out, Lerrs! ows tH NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in mo case be returned, not even when accompanied by s Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —SEPTEMBER 29, 1888. HH. J. NIGOLL @ GO, OUTFITTERS. LONDON : 114, 116, 118, 120, REGENT STREET, W. ; 22 an, PARIS: 29 anv 31, NOVELTIES FOR TRAVELLING ‘AND “AUTUMN WEAR, LADIES. CORNHILL, E.C, RUE TRONCHEE. GENTLEMEN. | New Suitings, for Sporting and Travelling wear, from 23 3s., in | exc ive Makes, Coatings and Overcoatings of the best materials and in the latest patterns PATTERNS OF MATERIALS AND MEASUREMENT Reams FORWARDED ON APPLICATION, MANDARIN ae RAZORS. “ They are the best I have ever used.” “ Most excellent, and a boon to travellers.” “ First rate.” The most setisfactory “Only require to be known to be appreciated.” “The best and easiest shavers.” * of re comfortable and picasant than hollow ground razors h no othe razors heve | obtained so clean a shave as with Arbenz's. Have not enjoyed the comfort of such a perfect end luxurious month's shaving for years, all my other razers by vark makers are now so much old steel It must be the razor of the futur “ Your razor has robbed the morning of of ite horrors.”’ “I have not met with a better.” The harder the beard, the better they shave.” Your razors are splendid, | am immensely pleased w th them.” The above guaranteed genuine testimonials, and andreds of others al\ fied for inspection), prove AR HENZ’S to be the beet, most reliable. ensiest, and cheapest h gh-class Kazors known. Suppiied im ete ofa ort at He ond lis. 64. per set pe tively Not levws then the set of 4 supplies. ay be had of Dealers at above prices, or P. A. ARBENZ. 107 & 105, Great Charlies 8 Birmingham, introducer of (he now celebrated much-imiuated “GEM” AIK GUNS Pewane oF (oun TeRrerr CHUBB’S SAFES WILL PREVENT JEWEL ROBBERIES Patoe Liers sent rare 128, QUEEN VICTORIA STREET, E.C.; @. &T. JAMES’S STRERT, Poll Mall, London, COLT’S DOUBLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as supplied to H M. War Department. COLT’S SINGLE-ACTICN ARMY REVOLVER, a+ edopied by the United Stairs Government. PISTOL takes the Colt and COLT’S “ FRONTIER” Winchester Magesine Mite Cartridge, 44 cal COLT’S HOUSE REVOLVER, POCKET REVOLVER, and DERRINGER, for the Vest pocket, best quality only Cort'’s —r vers are used all over the world, COLT 8 DOUBLE BARRELLED a qos and LIGHTNING MAGARINE RIFLES, se and rice List free. 4. Pall Mall, London 4. W. the Colonies COLT’S FIREARMS Co USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES, = BEST FOOD FOR INFANTS. In Tins, 1s., 2s., be. and 10s. each. SAVORY & MOORE, conoox, + AND SOLD EVERYWHERE. | Overcoats of every description, and for all climates, always in stock. Servants’ Liveries, from the be BALL-POINTED PENS. H. HEWITT'S PATENT.) As used by E.RE. the Prince cf Wales. These Pens neither scratch nor spurt, but glide over the roughest paper. They hold more ink and iast Bix sorts, sultable for ledger, ‘bold, rapid, or pote sional writing. Assorted Kox of is Pens for ld or with Ebony Anti-HKiotting Penholder, for te. 64. Post Free of all Stationers, or ORMISTON ¢ GLASS, Edinburgh. BRANCHES: MANCHESTER—10, Mostey STREET; BoLD STREET ; BIRMINGHAM—39, New STREET, LIVERPOOL—SO, Costumes, Jackets, and Ulsters in the latest designs, VUloaks and Wraps, from £2 12s. 6d., in many varieties, Specially adapted for Driving and Travelling wear. Spécialité Riding Habits, for Hunting wear, with Messrs, Nicow:; Patent Skirt and Foot-Strap. st materials, for moderate pri MAPPIN & WEBB'S SPOONS & FORKS SWIFT'S SPECIFIC is entirely a Vegetable Preparation, containing no Mercury, Potash, Armenic, or any poisonous sub stance, and cleanses the blood by forcin impurities through the pores of the skin undreds of thousands of cases of Diveases, Skin Diserses, and Mercurial Poisoning have been re- lieved by Swift’ * Specific Mre. Sanam Pownrtt, 39, Russell Street, Hyde Road, West Gorton Manchester, writes :— “I suffered for many — with Cancer on my tongue, which came near putting me in the grave I took Swilt + Specific,and am now well—can walk and talk as well as any one. I owe everything to 5.5.8. lam ready to answer all questions.” 6.6.5.—Swilt’s Specific, sod by al Coentets and Patent Medicine Dealers. Price—Liquid, 4s, 64. per bottle; Dry, 2s. 6d ve Ferien posted on rece: pt of above price. Treatise on Blood and out the finished SEVEN FIRST PRIZE MEDALS. | HIGHEST AWARDS ar ALL INTEKNATIONAL EXHIBITIONS THE CELEBRATED WOLFF VIOLINS. Rest modern-made Violins. Grand tone, skilfully Highly recommended by Senor Sarasate, Prof. Wilheimi, Sivori, Leouwhard, Pollitee and many other great arti-ta Introduced in most of the Eu opean Conservatories and Orchestras. List of Testimonials and Prices post free at all Agents throughout the kingdom, and of W. KONIGSBERG & CO., 1 & 2, CHISWELL STREET, LONDON, E.C. Genuine Old Italias Violins, from £10 and upwards. dkin Diseases. Posted THE SWIFT SPECIFIC COMPANY, %, SNOW HILL, LONDON, EC. Fr Gas, Steam, Water, TUBES .~ verte Sea neat Purposes; Galvanised or White Enamelied inside. In stock to 6 in. diameter. Cocks, Vaives, &c. Joun Srewcea, Globe Tube Works, Wednesbury ; and i4, Gt. St. Thomas Apostle, London ERRY DAV/, | whose testimonial SODEN MINERAL PASTILLES Universally acknowledzed the best remedy for affections of the THROAT, CHEST, AND LUNGS. They are specially recommended by our greatest Medical Authority, SIR MORRELL MACKENZIE, is affixed to each box. Of all Chemists at ls. 1j¢., or Post Pree for 15 stamps, of PODEN MINERAL PRODUCE CO., 10, Drea's Kurtpiwes, Hotsoas, Lowpow, VECETABLE Get a one | on AF, DAVi8’ PAIN- RCL the’ Sa most widely-known Wend It instantly Relieves Hy urns, Sprains, Toothache, , -3 o im’ the Side, Joints, , and all N and Kheumatic Pains nd Limbs Hetes! 4 Chemist can supply it at 1/1) and 27 per bottie ADAMS’S FURNITURE POLISH. THE OLDEST AND BEST. “Tus Queen” (the Lady's Newspaper) “ feels no hesitation in recommending it.’ Sold by Grocers, Lronmongers, Ollmen, &c Manufactory—VALLEY ROAD, SHEFFIELD. VAN HOUTEN’S PURE SOLUBLE C O C OA BEST & GOES FARTHEST. ‘It is admirable.’—BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL. LOHSE’S (MAIGLOCKCHEN) LILY OF THE VALLEY PERFUME is the most fashionable of the dey, Sold by all high class ferfumens GUSTAV LOHSE, BERL EPPS’ CRATEFUL—COMFORTING COCOA MADE WITH BOILING MILK. The Sweetest Tobaced Sold by Tobacconists in Packets only. rASON'S M. ‘Golden Days in the World. GEO. MASON & SOV, CHESTERFIELD. Pee Oy Te Oe Et Lane Beat, Retoves tp Ge Duet of 0, Be Ish ie the Precinct of W hitetrase, i the City by bm ot Ho a, of Lupdes aad im the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Mesera, Brad Fleet Street, is the Parish of St Bride, Cily of Lendom.—Satensat, Aw new, & Co,, Lember’ com ber 9, PUBLIBGHED -EVERY SATURDAY.

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(Burglar Bill. By THE AUTHOR OF “VICE VERSA.” Price 1]-, and in Cloth, 1/6. Amusing Books for Evening Reading. Two Series, Robert. ~::: NOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A GITY WAITER Also complete in Cloth, price Half-a-Crown. PUBLISHED -EVERY SATURDAY. v by ‘ll, e 4 \ 4 ¢ ‘ it P | ul ‘i iN , Tf rd M4, h bed EL — 5 é , vat A cl é dens er (4% / . , ' Ni ZA’ 2 Ay me fi) Wy / , "s ii yi i" th | SS) 5 NINETY-FIFTH. —_—@~— oi et OCTOBER 6, 5 Sa are a DULL VOL Ye PS LTE MA TTSS: I roy ‘ See . S eavw ean: bey ro / G; Yi ‘ t © a “ ¢ “s we sy, Vu " \ ea if W/7 we 4) OR Sp Special Appointment PURVEYORS re ms QUEEN ano PRINCE of WALES. PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, “” AND SOLD BY A ALL BOOKSELLERS. = SCHWEPPE's TABLE WATERS Sales during 1887, 12,289,260 Bottles. 3Z3ON3d S33SNHL BOI —

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EMLARIZMINT A NEW VOLUME OF THE ENCLISH ILLUSTRATED MACAZINE Begins with the OCTOBER Number. The Opening Chepters of a New Story by M F. MARION CRAWFORD appear in this Nember. The Magasine ia Low permanently enlarged to Seventy Pages, and the Frontispiece is printed separately on thick paper Ask your Bookseller for @ Prospectus. THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE For OCTOBER, "rofusely Iiuetrated, 44, by povt, @¢., comtaine:— | @ rard Lows Portrait of Himself Olive My Aigernoe CRar os 6 win | Orne Seat’ Dario, Chaps 1—Iil. (To be continurd) Hy © Marie rawtod John Seppeee end His Time. By Walter A:m- ‘« justrated A Dead cae. By dames Baker Waiter Cran The House of the Wolf On linued My tan) The Morte D Arthar r tye hiluatrated & Et Cutera. Sy M.D Tre gie Nombers, 64 bul mn, ineuding i by post, He lLustrated by Chaps. L—Il, (To be oy 4. Weyman. » be continued By by post, 64 Yearly ubie N amber, 6s. 64.; oF MACMILLAN & ©O LON DON ACMILLAN'S MAGAZINE. M Por OCTOBER. rice W. Contents Creasy ; by Bret Marte. Chapa V!I.—VIIL Freedom; by ¥. W. Cornish The Savile Letters; by Mine Cart « right. Love Jona Brown bhakespeare Unawares; vy Arthur Gaye. (a « Tennessee Newspaper. Afwr Rain A Modern Pilgrimage; by 8 M. burrows A Halcyon Day in Summer; by FT. Paigrave Castes de Latour y Walter Pater Con- bude MACMILLAN BLACKWO00'S MAGAZINE. Mo. 876.——OCTOBER 18988. 2s. 64. reer efeseecree re “e & © LONDON ContTaerxTs AUT DIABOLUS AUT NIN 1HE TRUE STORY OF A HALLUCINATION. By XL THE ENGLISH PEASANTRY. By T. b. Keaomt. A *#TIT? NE KEV GENERATION Cmare. XXVIL—XARIA THE KOMANC OF STATS MAPPING —@on cepen. by Coconee T. Picawotren Waers, KE MAURICE JOKAL Py Gromer J. Low A SONG OF THE SRA. Ky D. BR. Wussameon. CIVIL SEU VICE REFORM. By M Soupruwacc. FRANCE FRRSUS PARIS. By Muse. Became vs Bear WILLIAM BLACKWOOD «ase 6084, Edinburgh and London. Now ready Sixpence). New SGexles, No @ THE CORNHILL MAGAZINE for Of T.. containing among other { interest, “ Prench — rv aso Great American A Coach Drive at entane Partl. Sketches of Indian Life” and “A Life's Morning,” vy the Author of “ Demos,” “ Thyrza,” & ope 2 and B®, Lovd@m : Gurra, Bava, & Co., 6, Waterice Place. HE MATRIMOMIAL HERALD Al AND int es val he ergent o Ww we Pree enve ‘lope. os — — aearee Baitor, #, Lamb's Conbuis Bt A HUMANE TELEPHONE— People wh suffer from deafness and noises in hea will be glad to Bear thetasmeminent Aurel pe inlistof London hag BIR upon a cure which is be abso utely effieactous, and may be applied pati-ntshome itiga miniature Te ephone h fits inside the ear itis mot only « produc ‘er und but also a cure for the distressing noises cad. Being com fortable to wear, it will no op to mask iad re] its constr weti n is printed, and may = oon he re abiisher, 2), B.dferd Gquarce, London, W “OUR NEIGHBOURS.” PARTRIDGE & COOPER, “THE " STATIONERS, 192, FLEET STREET. DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. Por ACIDITY of ems STOMACH, MEARTOUAR, MBADACHE, VOU, anc LN DIGESTION. said t att wh of ‘ the OF TRE MAGAZINE. | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroper 6, 1888. VAN HOUTEN’S PURE SOLUBLE COCOA BEST & GOES FARTHEST. “It is admirable."—BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL. MAPPIN & WEBB’S DRESSING BAGS. TO STOUT PEOPLE. Sernst Trees says: Mr. Russell's aim ls to PRADICaTR, to cons the disease, and that his treat- ean true one seeme beyond all doubt The prescribes poss —' mpgty SUT BUILDS hdd sw to pa ~~ (116 peges) ,— he we ciecton im fret week is or aate iatee tae ¥. “o, BOODELL, Woburz House, Store Street, Befford Square, London, W.6. ‘SAMUEL BROTHERS. Boys’ ery Outdits. Mesera AMUEBL bROTH ERs tev ready for immediate use a very large assortment of Hors’ a Yoorus’ Cicta we They will also be pienssed te send, upon application, Pat- Teawe of Marte- Biste for the wear of Gentie- men, Boys, oF ladies, together with their sew [etversateD “Bion” sat . + CaTatoovr, con- taining about %O Engravings, This = nishes details SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTERS, &c., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpos, E.O. STUTTERING © quickly 88 Qeces gee oe ae ROBERT ERNST BERLIN. W., POTSDAM Hust, 2. Prospectus gra tis and post paid. WORTH et GIE., UNDER ROYAL PATRONAGE. CORSETIERES. 134, NEW BOND STREET, W. LOHSE’S (MAIG CHEN) GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR — mo lovely auanes Foncee"’ can be te casey we Win The a “is, Onions Bt, Lowdon, | rice 6s. 6a ile. For Unung grey or mded | ay Mullis mntamebio 196, BOND STREET, and all Chemists __ MAICNEN'S FILTRE RAPIDE,” ‘iter could aot be deseed = “Tt filtered the water bot quickly and well, and ee. pear / aS our Suichers, “—General Welestoy.. J of Tes where & half x a ‘Pamphlet MAICNEN’S “FILTRE RAPIDE” & ANTI-GALGAIRE” GO., LTD. (The largest mannfacturers of Filters in the World), 32, ST. MARY-AT-HILL, LONDON, E.C. ‘KURE-QUIC. Quinize Cure for Colds and Isfiueaza. NEVER FAILS. KURE-QUIC for Newralgia. Gives a om, Pain for Childien oF Adults,” writes A! MoTtmen KURE- QUIC, Best Quinine Tonic sold, For Colds, Neuralgia, and Debdility. 6d. per Bottle. Of all Chemists, and F. New seat & Sons, London aia TURKEY CARPETS. WHOLESALF PRICES QUOTATIONS BY POST POR ANY sige IMPORTERS, TRELOAR « SONS, 68, 69, and 70, Ludcate Hil A CATALOGUE OF THY BEST FLooR COVERINGS POST FREE OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF Ti % MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDow DR PACET, surgeon Denti, | 445, Strand Facing ‘onaring Cross Station pon PAGET > Ameri: an method of FIXING TeeTH without 1 ATES or PALAT£S. also by atmospheric pressure, explained in the lilustrated rampbiet post free. Conrultations daily free trom W tii é THE NEW PERFUME. “WHITE CLOVER” “ Beent of White Clover came over the lea.” WHITAKER & GROSSMITH, 22, SILK STHEET, CITY, LONDON 2e. 6d. Bottles (Post Pree), from the Lowpon Sow Cor., 10°, New bond btrect, ond of Chem. Grocer , &c., or direct MAPPIN & WEBBS HOLLOW GROUND Post Free frum er: oe aod 18, Poultry, £2, met es om 4 ana aaa Norfaik Street, Sheela. MADE WITH BOILING WATER, EPPS'S GRATEFUL—COMFORTING. COCOA MADE WITH BOILING MILK. “SANITAS” DISINFECTANTS. In all casesof Fever, &c., apply to THE SAN1TAS co., Limé,, Bethnal Green, London, ¥., HOW TO DISIN FECT. __ For Gas, tteam, Water, | | UBES.- Hydraulic, and Heating inside, | Purposes; Galvanised or White © In stuck to @ in. diameter, Cocks, Valves, ac Joun Spanceun, Globe Tube Works, Wednesbur’ an. M4, Gt, St, Thomas Apostle, Londos >» ROWLAND'S KALYDOR is a soothing and emelitent preparation for the FACE AND HANDS. It removes freckles, ton, rednesg, and rows hnews of the ssin caused "ee the use a? end water of GOLD WINDS ; thes and relieves chaps, irritation Ya on Blaine more effectually hy'than’ any other prepa: ation. BEAUTIFIES THE SKIN, and produces a pure and delicate complexion. 1 warranted FREE FROM METALLIC Benin Oa tee cant yy oy wh wit wl oon, egret ae

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S. Sige NS, Hill LOOR es PEL AL 'GDow | THETA |

1 kes

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Ocroser 6, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 157 en — to a patriotic speech from Elizabeth, exclaims, ‘‘’Tis yourself that PLAY-TIME IN COURT AND LANE. speaks ! This with * Sure,” to begin with, and “‘ bedad” to finish The Court.—To start her new Court Theatre, Mrs. Jouw Woop | pa eee has acbieved a fair success with Mamma. To this success | have | brought Mr. Grunpy, the ingenuous | down the house. but not obtrusively brilliant | 4 "ay Mr. Borus's translator, has contributed ’ speech at Old very little, as it is obtained by a combination of con- scientious acting with a cleverly-contrived farcical plot, the construction of which, however, is not without its faults. The First Act is disappointing. The fun of the Gecond Act is rapidly developed by scene after scene of inge- Vy, nious équivoque. No one jy, could » > ay DruricJanus blowing away his Audience to the Kefreshment-Rooms, Entr'acte for a few bars’ rest. | and Queen Brss was never so correct as is Miss Apa Nerison in her impersonation of her. I am sorry we did not see the elderly Virgin Queen—vergin’ on fifty-eight—riding, like the Old Lady of Banbury, on a white horse at Tilbury Fort. Mr. Leonanp Borne is gay and gallant as the naval hero, though | the authors have made a prare mistake in not gjving to him the line spoken by Lord Burleigh or Sir Francis Walsingham, who in reply | off to be cremated ; from which shock- | Tars, who rob the Spanish Stake-and- | when ‘‘they ’d made their little pile.” | a pause between each sy |I feel pretty certain that, if the Re- | Cheering Cross is eapitally given. ‘hat thorough Elizabethan Ac- tor, Mr. Harry NIcHo.s, who is never so much at home as in Shakspearian characters, per- fectly revels in the part of a Cockney of the sixteenth cen- tury. His song on board ship is a specimen of real racy Eliza- bethan humour. not give us a » solo version of the duet in the Pantomime, ae Te | come up f orsooth ! Go to!” which he might have sung in the presence of the Grand Inquisitor. There is a good Servant in Act II., who intrudes upon his master, Mr. Loic Lapiacne, as Don Somebody or other (Don Qui?) at an awkward moment, and announces pleasantly enough, as a couple of ordinary visitors, ‘‘Two Familiars of the Holy Inquisition,” all in black—quite ‘‘the wholly Inky-sition” —who have just dropped in, in quite a friendly way, to make a morning call. However, as their arrival is the signal for the Scene to finish, they are welcome. If I were Drevrtoranvs, I should cut out the lines concernin “* Sons of burnt fathers’ —(I didn’t quite catch it, and I’ve mislaic the playbill)—written in Shakspearian blank verse and spoken by Mixton ; I should say, well spoken by Miss Mizron. The lines go for very little, and as to the tableau representing Seymour Lucas's picture, I do not know what the original went for, but the replica goes for nothing. Instead of Seymour Lucas, see less Lucas. Altogether a splendid spectacle. Ships wonderful. Sorry Harry NICHOLLS isn’t in the sea-tight. When the fireships appear, he might have come down to the flote, and recited ‘‘ The Boy stood on the burning Deck,” after which, quick Curtain. Miss Wiyirrep Emery is a charming Actress, creating a great effect on everybody except the Black Ink-quisitor, who orders her

Mr. Leonard Boyne asserts the right of public meeting at Cheering Cross, close to Trafalgar Square. ing fate she is rescued hy British Onionists of their choice morsel just Miss Emery sometimes becomes quite Terry-fied in action and utterance, as, for example, when she jerks out with thable. ** Not the—tears —of—all— the —An—gels” would do something or other, I forget what, but, @ propos of this sentence, cording Angel, whose tear blotted out Uncle Toby's warm-hearted, impul- sive oath, were to visit our theatres just now, he would find his chari- table sympathy considerably exer- cised, and might possibly refuse to obliterate the score against some actors who commit a breach of the Third Commandment every night, emphasis gratid, that is merely for the sake of intensifying the reality of a dramatic situation. If only as a matter of questionable taste, this growing habit, which is about on a par with Mr. Mans- FIELD’s using a line from St. Paul’s Epistles as an attractive advertisement for his recent nightmare Drama at the Lyceum, should be corrected. This is not a case of Frenchman's *‘ Mon Dieu!” which is simply equivalent to our ‘‘ Heavens!” or “ me!” I am inclined to neither Puritanism nor Profanity. Odi profanum, says everyone's truly, Jack I» THE Box.

A Familiar of “ The Wholly Inky-sition.” I regret he did |

VOL. XCvV. P

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octonzr 6, 18ge, | h nd Miste Th ask bh Ar unde and seem the }} =f) —““_ ‘ NA ‘ INTERN, Ss \ ; \ NY 5 Nye ue A aa a MONU-MENTAL SUFFERING. Poor Old Mon. ‘‘On pear, I po Fee, so Carpry! I’M AFRAID THERE 's SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY Heap! It's on Fire!” [Sings dolefully, ‘‘ Ah che la Mortar.’ Dr. Stonemason (aside). ‘‘ An, very Cracky!" VOCES POPULI. ON A TRIP TO STAFFA' AND IONA. Scene—Oban Pier. Deck of the ** Grenadier.” Time, 7°50 a.m. Excursionists embark, wearing the air of chilly depression or unnatural liveliness common to people who have got up too early in the morning. The knowing ones select chairs in comfortable corners. The Timid Tourist (to Hearty Ditto). I suppose we shall not have much more motion than this anywhere to-day, Sir ? Hearty T. Oh, this? This is nothing ; we’re shut in here, you see. When we get out of the Sound of Mull, and meet the Atlantic, we shall get shaken up a bit, and a good thing too! We don’t want a mill-pond, eh ? The Timid T. (who would much prefer a mill-pond). No, no—of course not. \ Considers seriously whether he cares so very much about going to Iona after all, Steamer starts. The knowing Passengers discover that they have chosen seats facing the wind, and change. Well-read Tourists quote the “ Lord of the Isles,” out of their guide-books, to people who have none. After rounding Ardmore Point, the steamer becomes decidedly lively. SS = The Hearty T. Now for it—here it comes !— Now she catches it! There’s a beauty ! ine [ Repeats this before and after each wave, until a silence falls upon him. Attentive Husband (to Wife, who ts ** } enjoying it immensely,” but does not seem inclined to talk . Now do notice the play of light and e on the mountains over there, darling. oe ~

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tt ——— OcTOBER 6, 1888. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 159 Ss The Wife (faintly). Lovely, dear, lovely! | tt. Hush. But you’re not looking— you really | | oughtn’t to miss this, it’s magnificent! Turn round and | look ; it’s exactly behind you. Wife (with feeble irritation). I know, dear—but I can see it quite well where I am, really I can! NEARING STAFPA. Excursionist (with his hat tied round his ears by a handkerchief—to a Haughty Tourist). Can you tell me, Mister, if that’s the Dutehman’s ’ At over there ? The Haughty 7, Can’t say, I’m sure—you'd better ask him. An Enthusiastic Excursionist (in a tall hat secured under his chin with string). To think of landing on Staffa and seeing those wonderful caves with our own eyes— it seems like a dream, Sir, a beautiful dream! I suppose the jetty ’s at the back of the island, eh ? Well-informed Person. Oh, there’s no jetty—we shall be landed in boats; and roughish landing it is, as a rule. The E. E. (cooling). Is that so? Well, I’m not sure, | after all, that one doesn’t get a better idea of things by not going too near them. | The Wife (who has come entirely to oblige her Husband). | Oh, don’t mind me, don’t stay behind on my account— | there’s no reason why you shouldn’t go on the island, if you want to. Only, don’t ask me to come with you— | because I shan’t. I’ve done enough in coming as far as | I have, J think. | | Her Husb. Yes, you stay quietly on the steamer; that'll be the best thing for you. The Wife. If = go, J shall be left all alone here, so don’t think it, though why you can’t be contented to see Staffa from where you are, | without going poking your nose into every hole on the / island, I’m sure J don’t know! I’m not going to| On STarPA. In Fingal’s Cave. Excursionist with an eye to aw. Fine big place, | you see; but they don’t make ’arf enough of it. They | ought to light it up with coloured fires, ready for when |} We come, | Another Exe. Did the ’Arp and Concertina come | ashore, d’ye know? Because we might get them to give usa tune inside here if they have. On the Boulders. A Young Wife (who has been prostrate Sor the greater | a of the trip). Harry, I can’t go back on board that orrid steamer again. You mustn’t ask me ; promise me you won't! Harry. But, my dear love, what are we to do ? His Wife. Why, live at Staffa. You always say you hate fashionable places and (persuasively) I’m sure this is nice and quiet, anny! | On RETURNING TO THE STEAMER. A Tourist who has stayed behind (toa Tourist who has gone). Well, was it worth it ? [ Rather patronisingly. The Tourist who has gone. Oh, marvellous—grand ! yt. ives an elaborate description. The T. who has stayed behind. Well, I had half a mind to go myself—thing you don’t see twice in a life- time, and all that—but (candidly) the fact is, the ship seemed steadier, and it struck me as a good opportunity to go below and get some lunch—and a capital lunch | had—there was roast beef, corned beef — [ Deseribes lunch vividly. Ow Iona. The Tourists land, and are welcomed by a chorus of Native Children, chanting, ‘‘ Shells a penni, necklace two- pence, seaweed a penni, sea archid twopence.” | Tourists follow the Guide with the sheeplike submis- | sion peculiar to them ; one Excursionist observes that | tu “hallowed ground,” to which his neighbour, | without exactly knowing why, assents, and becomes | j depressed. Gradually, however, the modern spirit vegins to assert itself in the majority. A Sceptical T. (gazing at the Tomb of the Kings). For | anything we know, they may be all bogus, every one | of them, eh ? 7 perfectly genuine—that’s a good joke, that is! rivolous T. (turning to the tombs of the MActRans). 8 a fine old feller with his sword be’ind ’im ! lo, ’ere Fancy us staring solemnly, as if they were | the Exchequer), Groner GkossMITH (of Ely Place). - 4 oY ha “NOUVELLES COUCHES SOCIALES!” ““T say, Uncie, THAT WAS YOUNG BALDOCK THAT WENT BY,—WILMINGTON BALDocK, You KNow—— !” ‘*WHO THE DICKENS 18 HE/” ‘“WaaTt! HAVEN'T YoU HEARD OF HIM! HANG IT! HE'S MAKING HIMSELF A VERY FIRST-RATE POSITION IN THE LAWNW-TENNIS WORLD, I CAN TELL You!” Guide (long-sufferingly). That is Maciean of Duart. Friv. T. (pointing to effigy of armed Chieftain), And is that his good lady next him ? [Spirits of party revive; the inevitable Funny Man comes out with great success, and a little Tourist of comie exterior who trots up breathless at every halt, and asks a serious question, is hailed with delight, and treated as a Humorist of the finest water. Leavine Iona, Young Lady. Oh, do you know, it was sucha pity! I was down in the Saloon, reading up all about Iona in the Guide-book, and I never noticed we were there till it was too late to land. Still I can say I’ve seen it, you know —can't I? On tur Way Home. The Officious 7. (to a Lady, who is beginning to think she has got over the worst of it now). You’ll excuse me, Ma’am, but wouldn’t you feel more com- fortable if you had your chair the other way ? You see. where you are is just in front of the Cook’s Galley, and there’s a warm smell of burnt mutton-chops coming up that —— Loree (The Lady moves, and—much to the surprise and indignation of the Officious T.—** does not say so much as thank you,” Steamer nears Oban; the Comic 7. illustrates the steps of the Highland Fling, till he falls over a campstool, Small stout men, who have been invisible tll now, emerge, and point out scenery. The man who plays the Concertina collects subscriptions in a saucer, being careful to weed out every copper coin as it is contributed. - Final Verdict (by a Lady who has passed the entire day on a deck-chair, with her head in a shawl). Well, there was less to see than I expected ! “Tue Four Grorors.”’—Grorce Ranogr (of the Parks), Gronor Joxin’ (of (of the House of Savoy), Gronce Lewis New Verstox.—Call no man happy until you know he has not written a diary.

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| | | | | costume is evidently ‘‘ more honoured in the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Octoper 6, 1888, — —S> DUE NORTH a square-built broad-shouldered man of middle height, with healthy m — brown complexion, and good working shooting-suit of same coloy; Arrival— Welcome— Introductions. |to match, with leather over the shoulders, which is more suggestiys Fovr hours from Edinbro’ to Lochglennie, changing several times, | to the Cockney mind (my own at the moment) of a Metropolitan Tur. and stopping at Dunblane for the sole purpose, apparently, of lis- | cock than a Seotch sportsman. Jounnie Bupp has an encouraging tening to a pertinacious fiddler. ‘‘ Trains may come and trains may | smile, but a somewhat nervous manner, as if a trifle uncertain as ty go, but he fiddles on for ever.” Twenty minutes with a deaf Scotch | how the new arrival would take this kind of fiddler! Away! Farewell, Dunblane! | hearty reception improvised by ‘* D. B.” Lochglennie Station.—In answer to a porter at the gist of whose | Finding that I quite enter into the spirit of question I can only hazard a guess, I say, *‘ Yes, I’m going to|the thing—(it’s safest for a comparative Mr. Bopp.” Whereupon he immediately returns— | stranger to do this at once, as if the “ way of ** Eh, then the mash-sheen ’s here.” | the house,” whatever it may be, is just exactly The “‘ mash-sheen” (which sounds as if I had come all the way | what you had expected all along, and what you wouldn’t have had altered, no, not on any |account)—he shakes hands, a second time, | warmly. | ** Delightful place you have here, Mr. Bupp,” I say. ‘‘He’s not Mr. Bupp here—he’s ‘the Laird,’”’ cries D. B. ‘‘ Everything here is ‘ by order of the Laird.’” And as he says this, he strikes an attitude, and takes off his cap reverentially, as I have seen a Russian official do (on the stage) whenever he has had to bring in the Czar’s name authoritatively. “The air of Scotland agrees with your nephew,” I observe. ‘he Laird smiles. I. B. chuckles. I look —_ = to -~ other. What is the matter with both of them ? ai ‘* How are you?” exclaims D. B. He can’t | ee help it. He must start any communication of importance with this pretace, and finish with it too. ‘*How are you?” Then confiden- | tially, ‘The Laird’s not my uncle, and I’m not his nephew. See?” | Here he taps my chest in ‘‘The Two Maes” fashion—‘‘J call him | ‘ . Unele, but he doesn’t call me Nephew. At least he does sometimes, The Mash-sheen. He’s only an uncle on the mother’s great first cousin’s grand- down here to bathe on the sands) is an open car, outside the station, | mother’s side. See?’ Two Macs entertainment again—‘‘ No real | guarded by a small oagey an in a respectable Sunday suit, | relation.” Then he turns to Jomnyie Bopp, as if for corroboration | top-hat included, who might be anything from a small bootmaker’s|—‘‘ Are you, Laird?” To which the Laird, who has been nervously | assistant to a sheriff's officer in good country practice. Not in the | smiling all the time, and is still rather uncertain as to how I am| least like an ideal stalwart Highlander in the national costume. Odd. | going to take it all, replies hesitatingly, as if he hadn't quite made| Nowhere do I see, or have I seen, the national costume. All trousers, | up his mind on the subject of D. B.’s affinity to him, “* No,—we're | or knickerbockers, and gaiters. Happy ay ee national | not near relations. And he impresses the fact on me by adding, “ No, reech than in the/| we’re really not.” observance.” Self and bags bestowed in car, which is, I should say, set| ‘‘ No,” continues D. B., seriously. ‘‘ You see I never had any | on what may becalled ** Very-rough-Sea-springs.” Happy Thought. | uncles and aunts to speak of, and so I—your little D. B.—got ’emas —Capital exercise for one of the Livery of the City of London. he wanted’em. WhenI found someone I liked, I made him an Uncle, At last! Lochglennie Lodge. Little ('') Shooting-Box. Big| or an Aunt, asthe casemay be. See?” TwoMacsagain. “Hullo!” Shooting Portmanteau, Grand Shooting Trunk! itt/e’ It may | he exclaims—‘ here’s another of ’em!” And, as the very handsome have been little once—as we all were—but it has grown, and the| upright Lady, with powdered grey hair, and a mantilla grace- population of visitors has overflowed into an Anneze about a hundred | fully thrown over her head, whom I have already seen at the yards from the house. door, advances towards us, D. B. says, ‘‘ Here’s the Good Aunt. | It has been raining all the morning. It has been raining ever| Allow me to present you. Laird’s guest, Good Aunt!” and he bows since I arrived yesterday in Edinburgh, but at this moment there is| between us much as the Clown does when he is apologising for | a cloudless blue sky. A beautiful view of plain, valley, river, and| having run full tilt into the Swell’s lowest waistcoat button, and heather-covered hills. Not a soul about. Driver is down taking | swears he ‘‘ didn’t mean it, ’pon his word of honour!” Where- out bags, and an elderly servant has appeared (no stalwart Highlander | upon the stately Lady, with the sweetest smile imaginable, wel- in kilt as yet. Where are they ’—all “‘ kilt entirely ?”’), a bell has| comes me to Lochglennie, and is about to ask me some question, sounded, and as if this were a cue on the stage, or a preconcerted| when a quiet, very thin, aristocratic-looking gentleman, with | signal, as I have reason subsequently for believing that it is, Jounnre | grey whishevs, greyish face, and grey suit to match (very odd Bupp appears out of a small side-door, a stately Lady walks on to/all the men, I subsequently notice, have suits to match their the chief doorstep, somebody passes her and descends to the garden, | complexions, or complexions to match their suits,—Happy Thoug’t | one man with a gun comes out of the Anneze, a third with a fishing-|—so as not to frighten the grouse with too much colour), walks out, | rod from out of a shrubbery (why in a shrubbery with a fishing-rod ”), | with the puzzled air of a man who has come suddenly out of a cellar | and lastly, before | have time to take it all in, or they all to take | into the broad light of day, blinking like one of the prisoners r« leased | me in, Davrp Barep, D. B., suddenly looks out of a top window, | from the Bastille. Before the grey Man from the Bastille has quite | and, clapping his hands, cries ‘‘ Now, boys! One-—two—three—all | grasped the meaning of the scene before him, D. B. shouts out,— | together !”’. . . and all together they shout out, ‘How are you?” | ‘‘Here’s another of’em! How are you?” Whereupon the grey | Then they all disappear (including startled horse with cart at a gallop | thin man rubs his eyes,—he must have been shut up in a cupboard— | and little man running after it) as suddenly as they have appeared, like | (Can it be the skeleton brought out to meet me ?),—and_not being mechanical figures, except D. B., who romps down an outside stair- | pre vared with an immediate and telling repartee, which, I admit, 's | case (such as are common to Swiss chalets), jumps on to the path | Riffleult to find, smiles good-naturedly at me, and putting out his) and delighted beyond measure at the success of this well-rehea |hand, as if he were feeling his way along, but really intending | cep de thédtre, areps me by the hand, and once more exclaims, | me to shake it, which I do, he says, ‘‘ Ah! delighted to see you—um .' How are you?” Then, in an earnest tone, as if for one moment | —how dee do?” , he would drop joking, and exhibit the deepest interest in the state of| “This,” says D. B., holding the skeleton from the cupboard by my health, he says, “‘ But——” he pauses, and no other way of | the elbow, and explaining him asif he werea figure in a show ; __ this framing his inquiry suggesting iteelf, fe is compelled to repeat, only | is the Wicked Uncle, husband of the Good Aunt. Hisname is Norv! slightly varying the emphasis to suit the seriousness of the occasion, | on the Grampian Hills, and one of his ancestors, the McCoLLor “| ‘ How are you? But really,”—here he taps me with two fingers | Collop, had something to do with the murder of Mary Queen of of his right hand om my chest—a mode of salutation, he explains, | Squats, and he’s never been the same man since.” All this in * customary between “‘* The Two Macs’ before the row begins,” and | breath ; then he shakes hands with the Wicked Uncle, kisses the Goo once more he inquires—** How are you ?” Aunt’s hand (‘‘ Or the hand of the Good Aunt,” he says, winking #*| Before | have time to reply, he continues pleasantly, ‘‘ You know me aside, ‘‘ OLteNDoRFF!”), and beaming on everyone all round, he myunele; the Lard,” and therewith D B., introduces me to my host, votes that ‘‘ the question be now put,” which is—‘‘ How are yo"

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— Octo: ———_ =—————— It no taneous minute lam to “Wi * Do by taki what tl Baron, ladies | too. Th ad of regre ** she see tot Aha! out sho ** She of the ¢ “Id went o1 “Oh were gt Ah way do * Ale about 1 more di * Ale carryin ** Oh. elderly It’s no’ ** Saf This Laird’s from tl lady ! on my | It is genuin momen a com] charact flies, he Fishing instead piratice straps, of thin Bint, by the himself of Firs are you The sitting: as the | the Lai Hap; house. surpris joking- on the He is ji * Nell,’ ope y sna] more st to expl “An * Do next rn Dotty the im you?”

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—_— | Ocroper 6, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 165 | It now strikes the Good Aunt that I must be hungry, and simul- | taneously it occurs to the Laird that luncheon will be ready in ten minutes, and that he will show me to my room in the Anneze, where ] am to be chummed with two other sportsmen. Evidently large party. ** Where ’s Dotty ?”’ asks the Good Aunt. ‘Dotty ?” replies the Wicked Unele, trying to wake himself up by taking off his Scotch cap and gently stirring his hair, which is what theatrical wig-makers term ° s Baron, shooting.” Dotty and the ladies here, and a foreign nobleman. too. Thought I was coming to a rough y little shooting-box. ‘‘T haven’t seen Nell ali the morning,” says the Laird, in a tone of regret. “She went with Duncan,” D. B. answers, ‘‘ when he was off to wt ladies evidently. Dotty h Aha! spo —the young es evidently. OLLY has gone out shooting, tan gone to see about the pits. ‘Shall we wait for Gaannie to come in to lunch ?”’ asks the Laird of the Good Aunt, with an air of hesitation. ‘‘T don’t think it’s much use,” replies the Good Aunt. ‘‘ Grannie went out driving ——” “Oh, no!” interposes the Laird, anxiously ; ‘‘ sure were going to drive this morning—I told Matcomm——’ ‘‘Ah!” interrupts D, B., ‘‘ then Granniz’s gone out fishing a long way down the stream.” “Alone?” asks the Laird, who, as I see, is naturally anxious about the old lady—his grandmother, I presume—who must be a more determined sporting character than ‘‘ Mr. Manton.” ‘** Alone?” returns ‘Oh no,—I saw the boy and Ross carrying the nets and lines.” “Oh, that’s all right,” says the Laird, quite satisfied as to his elderly relative’s safety. ‘‘I’m glad Grannie didn’t take the canoe. It’s not safe to fish out of.” ‘Safe! A canoe for an old lady!” I cannot help exclaiming. This remark of mine causes considerable amusement. Even the Laird’s quiet smile develops into a genuine laugh. The Skeleton from the cupboard is tickled too, and repeats to himself, ‘‘ Old lady! Aha! that’s good!” W. B.’s hand comes down with a slap on my shoulder as he gives his war-cry of ‘* How are you?” It is uttered in such a tone of triumph, and the laughter is so genuine, that I perceive I’ve made a mistake as to Grannie. At this moment a herculean young fellow, six feet two if he’s an inch, with a comquacentay small head—quite in keeping with the herculean character—on the top of which is a deer-stalker stuck all over with flies, hooks, and bits of line, as if he had just escaped from a Lunatic Fishing Asylum, where they would put hooks and flies in the hair instead of straws, joins our party. He wears large melodramatic piratical boots, carries a huge fishing-rod, and is hung about with straps, leather cases, and baskets, as if he were a pedlar with a lot of things to sell, and is introduced by D. B. to me as GRANVILLE Buus, keowa as ‘‘Grannie.” Then D. B. surveys the circle formed by the Good Aunt, the Wicked Uncle, the Laird, Grannie, D. B. himself, and the boy; and as if it were the cue for curtain and end of First Act, he laughs all over his face, and exclaims, *‘ How are you?”’ which at once disperses the group. _The Laird shows me a deliciously comfortable bed-room and a sitting-room in the Annexe which are at my disposal, ‘‘ commanding,” as the advertisements say, ‘* beautiful and extensive views.” Then the Laird departs to see about the lunch. : Happy Thought.—Put myself au courant with the company in the ouse. ‘*Who are the girls?” I ask. ‘‘Girls?” repeats D. B surprised, “‘ what girls?” Then, with an air of mistrust, ‘‘ You’re joking—you’re trying to get at me—oh, yes” —and he puts himself on the defensive by resorting to his magic phrase, ‘‘ How are you?” He is just off when I stop him, and assure himI’mserions. ‘‘ Who is ‘Nell,’ they were talking of, who has gone out with Doncan to the ape More laughter. D. B. nearly has a fit, but relieves his feelings y snapping his fingers, es ** Who-whoop !” and dancing a few more steps of the Highlan Fling ; after which performance he sto to explain that ‘‘ Nell’s the Retriever, and Duncan ’s the Keeper.’ ‘And what’s Dolly? A dog ora cat?” I ask. “Dotty? Oh, don’t you know him? Capital chap—he has the next room to you. Dotty Wuurs, in the Guards. How are you, Dotty ?” he cries, out, rapping at partition ; to which summons the immediate response, in a defiant tone, comes back, ‘‘ How are you?” ‘“*The other chap,” he continues—*‘ he’s not in now—is the Baron.”” Why Baron? ‘“ Don’t know—always call him ‘The Baron.’ Rather think it’s because he once went down a coal mine. There’s the luncheon-bell.” He pauses at the door, however, as if he has fo smalhing of the utmost importance, and then exclaims, ‘‘ How are you!” rgotten to say “QUITE WELL, THANK rou!” I roar back at him, and he dis- , ** Dotty’s out with the ron! . Then there are La oa =) 1 y they never QUnAg | 2. Fashionable one| * ROBERT’S LONG WACATION. Surrey suckumstances, incloodin a most unne:sessary abundence of rain, combined with a rayther onusual! detishency of the currant coins of the realm—as the loryers terms what | shoud call a werry near ap to stumptupedness—in- dooced me and my fare Partner to give up our ushal long wacation, this here yeer, of a hole week at the See Side, or on the River, and spend it in jolly old Lundon, the land of my Birth and the ome of my blooming manhood. And upon hole, I don’t reelly think as either me nor my Purtner has werry much regretted it. In fact there's so many wunderfvol things to be seen : here, if one only has the time, without not nothink to pay, and so many bewtifool plaices to wisit, on the same werry libberal terms, that a week dewoted to ’em flies away like one a clock, which, as we all knows, don’t take so werry long to do; besides, if one’s bound to be wet thru for a hole week, it’s far better to have it at ome than a broad. Fust and foremost, then, I wisited High Park, and with the xception as there wasn’t not nubody there xcept me and three other gennelmen and one man on a horse, it was jest as bewtifool as ever, and the flower-gardens was that splendid and tidy as did great credit to Feeid Marshall ‘*Gronce” as has the care on ’em, and sines his onered name on all the boards as is stuck up at all the gates. It was a bewtifool morning when I started, after a rayther late Brek- fest, and 1 had jest got to about the werry middle of the Park, when, without the werry least notice or warning, down came sitch a storm of rain as I has werry seldom bin drenshed by. I stood up under a littel tree as was near me; but tho’ I bleeve as it tried its werry best to keep me a dry place under its bows, it was all in wane, and by the time as the storm was over, and the sun cum out agane, I was wet through to my werry skin, and the heat of the sun shining on my wet close had the singler affect of making ’em ail smoke and a rayther imperent-looking bo ly arsked me weather knowed as all my steam was a blowing off, and weather I was afeard of busting my Biler! Oh, them London Boys! What little respec they has ewen for an Hed Waiter! In coorse I allers treats ‘em with the most horty contemt. Well, my fust day’s holliday being rayther a failure, I spent the nex one, which was one long down pore, in the buzzum of my famly ; and though I bort no less than three halfpenny Papers, an red ’em all rite through, yet I must confess that it was about the werry longest day as rd amost ewer remembers. Praps the two singler suckemstances that my fare Partner had a bad tooth ake, and gave me nothink but the cold sholder for lunch, and dinner, and supper, may have had sumthink to do with it. But so it was, and | sort my downy couch at a most unnateral hurly our. What append next day I’ll tell you next week. Ropert. ’Ave 4 New Cuapitary.—We knew Mr. Artuvurn Ronexrs had not been in London for some time, having, as we believed, marched with the Avenue Old Guard to take the provinces by storm; but certainly we were not prepared for an announcement, in a daily paper, occurring in the course of a short paragraph, to the effect that ‘‘ the Rev. Anrucr Roperts, M.A.,’” did some- thing or other as ‘‘ Chaplain to the Prince of Waxes.” ‘‘A loss to the Stage,” we said to ourselves, resignedly, ‘‘ but a gain to the Church. And then what an enter- taining Chaplain he will be for H.R.H., if he is only anything like as ewe | as he was as The Vicar of Wideawakefield.” But our train of thought on this line was rudely run off the rails by the almost immediate discovery, on comparing this paragraph with similar ones in other con- pe ar that the ‘ Bem, —— Lun BERTS” was a misprint for e Rev. Cais Artuvr Rosrys.” Really printers should en Fn 7H pe not trifle with our tenderest feelings in this flippant manner; deration, we congratulate H.R. H., but, on reconsi tion, the Church, and the Stage, on things being im statu quo Avenue. New Itiverration or aw Otp Asop’s Faste.—On the first night appears as if [ had broken the spell by this happy and truly original repartee. But somehow, the air is full of, ‘‘ How are you ’” and as, brush in hand, I survey myself in the glass, I stop my-elf in the act of saying to my own retlection, ‘‘ How are you’” ‘Lrhis is catching. | cried of the successful Opera Carina at the Opéra Comique, the audience ied ** Wootr!” so often, that when a young lady appeared in answer to this summons for the Composer, they wouldn't believe that she was really the WootF in question. eS D

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| much commotion going on, though, to please me. | expect next. a [Ocroper 6, 1888. \ } J aly Will \ First City Man Evication, Ow, nvuepisu! Tarre—I've ony Year's Scnooitn’ att my Lire!” Second City Man. *‘ On. I say! You AWFULLY, O_p Fettow. He-ne-ne!” | must ‘A’ WASTED THAT "AD 'ALF A THE COMING DOG. By a Comyort-loving Cynic.) A New Dog is coming! the more, Ma’am, the merrier, You think. The new tyke is a ‘* Tartar fox-terrier.”’ He's silky and splendidly smooth, so ’tis said ; | His manners are mild and his colour is red. | A lady’s dog quite! How your heart will be struck. | Well, well, my dear Madam, here’s wishing him luck! | But permit me to hope, when he reaches your lap, | That the new dog won’t whimper, or snivel, or yap; Not, like the Toy-terrier, shiver with dread, Nor, Pug-fashion, grunt with a cold in his head ; | Nor look, like the Dogs of that queer Dachshund breed, | As though two additional legs were his need : | Nor, like the Fox-terrier, chevy the cat, | Nor, like a King Charles, get abnormally fat : | Nor like shaggy Skyes (Ma’am J Have very me eyes and long hair that will get in them. | Whatsoever his colour, red, yellow, or green, I’m sure if he’s quiet and decently clean, Not given too greatly to pant, snort, and snuffle, Nor always involving your guests in a scuffle ; If he isn’t unpleasant to any one sense, | And doesn’t want worshipping ; then, Ma’am, immense The relief of your friends will, I’m sure, be all round, To think that one bearable pet you have found! [them * | Fortucomine Interestine Pustication.—Mrs. Raw | is informed that the next book of Aristocratic Remini- scences will be by Lord Howarp, of Gossip. ‘‘ This,” the old lady thinks, ‘‘ought to be most entertaining.” Lucifer’s Latest. [Another explosive, called “‘ Erasite,’’ has been invented in Austria. Its effect is expected to be “‘ something unprecedented.” Satan, in Milton, flamed at Heaven defiance, And railed at earth with rhetoric corrosive. Now, posing as mild friend of Man and Science, He ‘d probably invent a new explosive! To verbally ‘‘ blow up”’ mankind ’s mere pother ; Far better help them to blow up each other. rime mMost| New Work sy Arcupgacon Farrar.—The Veget- Arians of the Fourth Century. what is there to pet in THE TOAD’S DIARY. Commenced B.C. 20,000. Nor half a bad sort of place this Prehistoric World. Rather too Don’t care about ** Periods.”” Precious cold, too, this Glacial one. Shouldn't wonder if there wasn’t a change coming. One never knows what to Halloa! what on earth’s this? Just what I said. Blest if there isn't a great big bed of clay let loose, and swooping down on me. No escape. Smothered! Well, this is pleasant! Goodness only knows when I shall get out again. And what can a toad do with himself, buried away like this? Ruminate? Yes oo how long’ ’Pon my word, I’m afraid this will be precious slow. these I said once I thought this would be ‘‘ slow.” That must have been ever so many thousand years ago, and here I am still. ‘*‘ Slow” isn’t the word for it. It’s deadly dull, that’s what itis. Then it’s so horribly damp. Wish I had got boxed up in a bed of coal. Those Mastodons seem to have stopped thuntuing about up above. Kept it up no end of a time, but they’re quiet at last, so I suppose they've become extinct. Made room for aninferior animal. As I’m alive, it’s Primeval Man! I can hear him loafing about all over the — Well, I don’t think Ae’s good for much. Does nothing but hang about his caves. Then he’s such an uninventive beggar, "ll never dig me out. Dare say he’ll Jast though five or six thousand years. What a prospect! And I feel I’m getting limp. Bother Primeval Man,—and the clay ! ° > . > > > | Thank goodness, that awful fraud, Primeval Man, has disappeared at last. World seems waking up a bit, though nothing very much going on. Great Pyramid just finished. Babylon ing it. Troy taken. The Chinese inventing gunpowder. Wish they would blow up this clay bed. Feel I’m getting awfully weak in the legs. Nothing poing on here but savages walking about in blue paint. Wonder how many more thousand years I’m to be smothered up here. Really it gets slower and slower every century. cut off. are coming this way. the Railway Cutting, and the Contractor! I'm free ! hands of Mr. T. L. Parrerson, of Greenock, and have been mentioned in the Times. ‘bend any way,” and that I have ‘‘ two beautiful eyes,” but don’t ** seem to see.” would feel like, or, for the matter of that, his legs either, after being clayed up for twenty thousand years. I shall soon pull together again. won’t send me off anywhere by Parcels Post. Things brightened up considerably since my last entry. Roman Invasion. W1.L1AM the Conqueror over. CHARLES THE F irst’s head Not that they’ve affected me. selieve my memory’s going. If I don’t soon get out of Halloa! Surely that must be the sound of a pick. And they Yes, itis! Hooray! Liberty at last! Bless They’ve dug me out. That is, comparatively speaking, for I’ve fallen into the He says, I ‘‘seem to have no bones,” and my legs Perhaps not. I should like to know what his eyes However, wa me time, and Meanwhile, all I ask is, that he Impromptu at a Theatre. (By a Victim of the Prevailing Fashion of Feminine Head-gear.) TuIs pe before me—I know not its nomen— Hides all the actors, and half the flats. “The higher Education of Women,” : Applies not so much to their heads as their hats / Tae Tevron Oxrver Twist. — Bismarck asking for Samoa. Mem. Kindly pronounce it as much like Some more as possible.) Shakspeare Applied. (By a Stout Gentleman who objects to foreign climes and climbing.) Betrer bear the hills we have, Than fly to others that we know not of. Battle of Waterloo. Exhibition of ’51. Jubilee. Jot these | down as occurring to me as happening in the course of the last | eighteen hundred years. bedded up. this, feel I shall end up by being fossilised. I’m still |

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Octoser 6, 1888.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. See q ’ é S an CR OK . ISM FINIS! (THE END OF THE SEASON.) A THE LAST (JURY) MAN. (A Long way after Campbell.) The British Constitution’s doom Is Chaos and Old Noz, When you can’t get twelve honest men Into the Jury Box! My fancy took a tidy swee Adown the gulf of Time I saw Old England, and behold, Owing to idleness and gold, "Twas given up to Crime! The Judge’s eyes did wildly glare Where, white with age and wan, There stood within the Box, else bare, A lonely Jury Man. Some were exempt by “‘ tips’””—the brand Of bribery stained the Briton’s hand,— _ From “ urgent business” some ; Some swore they couldn’t leave their bed, I HAD a vision in vd sleep, of Some that their Mothers-in-law were dead, And so they could not come. Yet, martyr-like, that lone one stood men d 5 i dread eye. e said, ‘* ud, it ain’t no ; ay 3 's only ys and I, ‘ es en don’t find Juryi food un ; They ’re all ‘ pot ’m the last one To turn up, dontcher know. A thousand ‘ cases’ wait us here— Twill take us all our time, I fear. I’m game—so on we go! “ What though the offi forth ? Britons have now such skill In ‘ getting off,’ that ’tisn’t worth His while to hunt ’em still ; We'll have to do it; fire away! A dozen cases in a day Will be enough for us. It’s no use getting in a fury! At least, you ’re certain that the Jury Will be unanimous, You will not fill this Box—’tis small— With the old dozen men. No; those who’ve once escaped its thrall Will not return again. Lor’, do you fancy they ’ll come back To these hard seats, that cramp and rack, In these chill draughts to writhe ? You made the Jury-Box abhorred By dull discomfort, good, my Lord, I once was brisk and lithe ; ‘ Now you perceive my erst bright eyes Have lost their ancient fire, 1’ ve suffered untold agonies. To shiver or perspire, To faint with heat, to gasp for breath, Are not nice things, but till my death It shall be my one boast, That I ne’er slunk at Duty’s call. I’ve but one fear, ’tis that I shall Return here—as a ghost ! Oh, should my spirit, by fate’s whim, Or destiny’s last lark, Come back unto this Court so dim Into this Box so dark! No! I should then evade the summons By such excuses—they are rum ‘uns— As “‘ City Magnates” use, And brothers of the brush or pen, And lots of selfish idle men, Who Duty’s task refuse. ‘*Goon! Whilst pluck can hold me up In this void Box’s waste, I'll sit, although the bitter cup Is little to my taste ; When to the wall I turn my face, The last of the old Jury race, Our Senators, who nod Over our laws, and fog, and twist ‘em, May modify the Jury system : Or, if they don’t, it’s odd.” THE CORRECT CARDIFF. At the Autumn Meeting of the Associated Chamber of Commerce at Cardiff, Sir Jacon Benren spoke in favour of the formation of a Commercial Party, independent of party wlities, in the House of Commons. The resident opposed the proposal, the Resolu- tion was negatived, and subsequently Sir Micuart Hicks-Beacu, in expressing his agreement with the dissentient mm mn f declared that there was already a superabun ance of such parties. We should think so ‘ parties,’ ostensibly “* independent of party,” will make the House as parti-coloured (or, which is much the same thing, rty-coloured), as Josern’s coat itself. hy, every interest, opinion, or fad, might organise its own knot if supporters into an ‘independent party,” and Parliament become, indeed, a “* fortui- | tous concourse of atoms,” without cohesion | which means Chaos come again. The Cardiff assembly was quite right in refusing to be a indeed! The multiplication of ‘ party to this party-proposal. | The world ’sa stage, where each man plays bis part, heart But “ companics” must combine in union Twill be, as old dames say, “ a pretty start,” When “person” (asin Cockneyese) means “party.” Seat Nay AIT

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| more precise, people who hadn't paid their rates. | gause | | formula about |; years ago

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI [Octoper 6, 1888. |

| fulness that suffused itself all over the damp Court. His umbrella having now dripped itself dry over Rate Collector’s boots, Artur | | WILLIAM goes out to get it wet again. Cases by the score, and the |dozen. Doesn’t seem money anywhere to pay the rates. But it Tuesday.—Spent a pleasant morning in Sessions House, Broad | does seem that the rates must be vey and by Se 8th of October, too, | Westminster. Outside, summer suddenly returned ; he forlorn, damp, and penniless crowd having cleared out, each | Raining in torrents. Inside, a collection of men and women—chiefly comforted with the inevitable prospect of the ‘‘ 9th of October,” our women—all steaming wet. Behind a desk, two Magistrates and a | turn comes. Half-a-dozen of us. Not here on account of rates, but in | clerk; in front, the Rate Collector. The rest, ratepayers—or to be | connection with jury lists. A blow struck at British Constitution by ; Summoned to show | attempt to include name of Tony, M.P., upon jury list. Peers and Out of | Members of Parliament always exempted. Why should Barkshire | work some ; sick others; sad all. A pitiful story, and a purposeless | suffer in its privileges? Notif its senior Member can, at whatever gathering. Magistrates apparently can de nothing. personal inconvenience, assert them. Proceedings not unduly ‘We are machines!” said the Chairman, smiling genially upon | extended. Considerable list of exemptions settled by Act of depressed elderly gentleman, whose rates are horribly in arrear.| Parliament. List worth considering by anxious parents about to “ { ou must pay by the 8th of October. 1” select avocations for promising sons. You can’t, for example, be SUMMONED FOR RATES. Notes from a Diary in the Recess.) Sanctuary, why. Cause varied; result the same; can’t pay. Next case! lepressed elderly gentleman falls into the rear without word of | summoned on a jury if you’re a coroner, or an apothecary, ora ~ ene Curae into the rear since he was born.| Member of the Mersey Docks and Harbour Board, or a pilot, or a Movement quite natural to him. | bailiff. Also exempted if you happen to be a gaoler, or if you keep Middle-aged lady in an apron and seething mental condition comes | public lunatic asylum. Moreover, if you ’ve been attainted of any up next. Has prepared for Magistrate some autobiographical data. | treason or felony, or are an outlaw, you can snap your fingers at Her story graphic, rather than succinct. Magistrate tries to get in his | ‘* Church Wardens and overseers of the parish, when preparing the 4 ‘* Adjourned - till - 9th-of-October-must-pay-on-the- | jury lists.” That’s how it came to pass that Friar Tuck was never 8th.” Middle-aged lady branches out into statement of her troubles|on a jury, and how Robin Hood always avoided this peremptory prior to last year but one, when Many ANN was run over by a "bus. | interruption of his avocations. Members of Parliament bracketted | protest. ** Adjourned-till-9th-of-October.” says the Magistrate, as if it were an incantation warranted to shut any woman 7 Twelve years she’s lived in the house ; always paid rates up to two Watching opportunity, machine grinds out refrain, ** Must - pay - on - the- 8th - of - October.”’) | Mary ANN was in| hospital for six weeks ; hardly been of any use since; Mrs. Moeerns would bear testimony to extraordinary ex- penses consequent upon calamity. ** Adjourned-till- 9th-of-October,” the machine wearily warbles. ‘‘ Call-the- next-case.”’ Next case is that of Artuvuk WILLIAM! Ciurr. ‘“‘ARTHUR Wirt Crorr! ” loudly called. No response. Old gentle- man with wonderful waste of woollen com- forter round his neck | stares steadily into | space. He is the party who came in just now ; | tried to get point of his dripping umbrella into my boot; only vartially succeeded. ** This is him,”’ said < ! YY fr" ‘ a Stone- Deaf. | a faded woman in a shawl, thrusting him forward by the shoulder; | | neighbourhood. | momentarily forgets the unpaid rates. ** he lives in our street and is stene-deaf.’ This said with smile of pride. Axkravre WituiaM CuivrFrP, by his supernatural deafness, evidently sheds lustre on his immediate In pride of association faded woman in shawl | Arruck WILLIAM with difficulty brought up to the Bench, making dashes with his dripping | umbrella at other people’s boots. Magistrate, lifting up his voice, | asks his name. AxTuvr WILLIAM makes no responsive sign. Rate | Collector, standing by, bellows in his right ear, | halloas. “Are you Anrouk Wituram Ciurr?” That seems to be wrong | ear. Old gentleman obligingly turns round the other. Rate Collector | shouts down it. ArTHUR WILLIAM, catching the whisper, nods assent. | ‘* Have you paid your rates ?”’ Collector, prompted by Magistrate, | Arravr WILLIAM frankly admits he hasn’t. ** Adjourned-till-9th-of-October,” says the Magistrate. ** Adjourned till the 9th of October,” reiterates Collector, stand- | ing on tip-toe, the better to command Artaur WILLIAM’s accessory ear. Anruurn WILLIAM raises no objection to that, but does not seem to see relevancy of remark.

‘“ Tell him he must pay on the 8th of October,” says the Magis- | rate, bellowing at the Rate Collector as if he, too, were deaf. ‘ You must pay on the 8th,” the Collector, goaded to desperation, | | roars with all his might. | “ Well, I will, if I can,” says Anravr Wits, with a cheer- | The second portrait represents Sir CHarLes Russet, apparently | respectful admiration. sa c | evidently thinking what on earth & become of his own writing- | obtrusively theatrical ‘‘ stage properties,” including the for jury-list purposes with outlaws and keepers of lunatic asylums, Tony, M.P. for Barks, was, of course, exempted, and left the Sessions Court without a stain on his character. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Ir is certain that Thoth, 4 Romance (W. BLackwoop AnD Soy), would never have been written if Mr. Riper Haeoarp had not | published his most famous book. Thoth is a sort of male She, and | might as well have been called He. Unlike She, who lived continuously through a couple of thousand years, T'hoth’s forefathers come to life only occasionally. But that is quite enough when there are a good many of them. Thoth himself is a remarkable per- sonage, with a touch of Professor BALDWIN in his character. He improves on the Pro- fessor’s machinery, since he dispenses with the parachute, and, when he goes up ina balloon fashioned in the shape of a bird, is able to bring the whole boiling down where- ever he pleases. The kingdom Thoth rules is an island in some unnamed sea, where the residents are brought up deeply rooted in the heresy of woman-hatred. This being carried to extremes, the consequences are natural and inevitable. Part of the population is drowned in the sea, and the remainder are buried in the sands of the desert. The book makes encouraging reading for members of the Women’s Rights Association, only I hope it won’t be dramatised. Number 4 of Our Celebrities (Swan, SonNENSCHEIN & Co.) is just out. Excellent portrait of Sir Pnizie Contirre Owen, and Lovis ENGEv’s list of the numerous orders Sir Partie has received from the Crowned Heads of Europe, is astonishing. Theatrical Orders are not included in the collection. Sir Paiiip’s appearance at a foreign Court seems to have been the signal for decorating him at once; the cue was, ‘Give your orders—Sir Patip’s in the room. trying on a new Q. C.’s wig, and trying to look as unlike himself as possible. The striped trousers quite out of character with the dignity of the upper portion of the forensic costume, and must have offended the artistic eye of Count Watery, the eminent Photo- grapher, who should have induced him to put on knee breeches and buckles for the occasion. But it is difficult to induce any man of 5ir CHARLEs’s determination of character to change his a moment’s notice; still, as ‘‘ Standing Counsel to the Jockey Club, he might, at least, have worn breeches and boots, and have a whip in his hand. But where is his most characteristic snuff-box: Capital monograph about him by L. E. ¥ Lastly there is the living presentment of Mr. Epmunp YATES, ** Edmundus Ed. Mundi,” whom “‘L. E.” naturally treats with The likeness is excellent. But what could Watery have been about to pose Epmcnpus thus? He has a be in one hand with his finger marking a place for reference, and having decided what he is going to in his criticism on it, he table, his editorial seat, his pens, ink, and paper, and wh = which he is seated, have n substituted for the icles? He should have been up-standing, self-supporting, for he surely has no need of “props.” It is a speaking likeness, not a writing one. ee

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| ——_——— Ocroser 13, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 169 | A SHOW OF ‘ SAVOY FARE.” Iy SHAKSPEARE as librettist, and Mozart as composer, had both come to life again and written the most marvellous opera ever heard : mortal ears, the Press generally, with solitary exception of the musical critic | of the 7Jimes, could not have gushed more | rapturously, in larger type, and at greater |, length over such a work, than they did over |_the latest comic opera by GiLberT and \| SULLIVAN at the Savoy. om by the ‘| crisp and epigrammatic title, Zhe Yeomen | of the Guard; or, The Merryman and his | ‘aid (you pay your money, and you take our choice of alternative titles) ibrettist seems, up to the last moment, to have been undecided as to what he should call his new and original infant. In “the 4 |Mr. W. 8. Grisert shows how wearisome is the | fooling of these medieval drolls to the playgoer of to-day. song to sing, O,”’ the first phrase of which I did manage to carr away with me, but while humming it on my road home, I foun¢ myself imperceptibly wandering into the ‘‘ Lullaby” in Cox and Box, where I very nearly lost it altogether. _ Dame Carruthers’ first song, ‘‘ When our gallant Norman Foes” is most effective, and might be in serious opera, were it not for the chorus of Beefeaters. Mr. Courtice Pounns isa simpering effeminate Fairfax, but sings prettily a about ‘‘Moon” and ‘' June,” after the Yeomen in a previous ‘“‘ number” have already chorussed about ‘‘ Noon” and “ June.” But of course the subject of the weather is inexhaustible, and there are plenty of rhymes still left to “Joon.” The part of the Jester is a capital skit upon Touchstone and the Shakspearian clowns generally, and, with subtle cynicism, i is the most excellent | The notion of the Jester in search of a place, and being examined by an intending employer as to his capabilities (‘‘ My caper-bilities’’ he | would say, and might have executed a short dance as a specimen), | struck me as exquisitely humorous when I first read it some years |ago (Was it among a second series of Bab Ballads in a magazine, | or was it a short Christmas story by the same author? ), but the idea | book of the words” he does not describe it as either serious or comic, simply as an which is wise. | use he had made of the latter’s James. opera, have always iy contended that ‘‘new and original’ need not mean new to ererybody, and quite i) original, and I am pleased to see that at 4 last the critics, in dealing with this /ibretto, are inclined to favour my opinion. But had the opera been at the Saveloy Theatre instead of the Savoy Theatre, and written by two unknown collaborateurs, say SuLBERT and GILLIVAN, instead of Gitpert and SvLui- eS VAN, wouldn’t the virtuousl y-indignant = critics have been down on the librettist for founded on that of Maritana? Thetimidno- ez vice SULBERT might, perhaps, have attempted = = =». to disarm pony vy on ape ee = “ ) ,» original opera The Beefeater’s Bride; or, The tabs 3 me 4 nf eae and his Maritana, and would have humbly admitted his indebtedness to Mr. W. 8S. Grisert for the ppouince humorous Bab Ballad Jester The stern critics would promptly have pointed out that in | good old Firzpatt-and-Wattace’s Maritana, Don César is in prison | dancer, Elsie Maynard, | and condemned to die, and so is Colonel Fairfax in The Beefeater’s Bride ; that the Don is married in prison to a veiled gipsy dancer, Maritana, and, the Colonel is married in prison to a veiled gipsy ** Maynard,” the critics would have bitterly exclaimed, ‘‘is but a poor English rendering of Maritana!” With scathing irony they would have shown how, in the old opera, Don César escapes being shot, and returns “‘ all alive 0 ;” while in the new and original work Colonel Fairfax escapes being decapitated, and also reappears on the scene. Don César enters disguised as a monk ; Colonel Fairfax comes in as a Beefeater. Don César and Maritana subsequently fall in love with each other: so do Colonel Fairfax and Elsie Maynard, Don César is pardoned by the King for a very | good reason: the Colonel is reprieved for no reason at all, exce it to finish the opera, “a reason,” the satirical critic would have added, “ sufficiently satisfactory to the audience.” _ Then some erudite critie would have pointed out to the unfortunate SULBERT that an unknown librettist must not rashly tamper with his- tory in a work intended to be serious, and would have lectured him on the utter improbability of a gipsy girl in all the bravery of an Esmeralda | costume (whether accompanied by Point as Gringore or not) daring to come rattling her tambourine and singing, within the precincts of the terrible Tower in the reign of Bluff King Hat, when Gipsies were harassed, persecuted, hunted out of the kingdom, or strung up on the readiest made gibbet; and directly it was known that the gallant officer | who, as a sorcerer, had been languishing in gaol, on being liberated, | had married a heathen gipsy (supposing a priest had been found rash | enough to commit such a sacrilege), the pair of them would have had short shrift and been burnt as witches; and as Colonel Fairfax, had already escaped decapitation, the professional Merryman might then ve observed, ‘‘ Mark you, the Colonel did but exchange his chop, fora stake. A pretty conceit.” Beyond the above points, there is absolutely no resemblance between | the two ae and though poor SuzBert (without GriiivaN) would thus | have suffered at the hands of the Critical Faculty for daring to claim | novelty and originality for his story, yet for Mr. Griert, of the firm of GILBERT and WLLIVAN, the critics have nothing but obse- ulous compliments and good-natured excuses. As tothe music, even the sharpest and most hostile ear could not detect a trace of WALLACE in the latest composition of Sir ArTuvr Sviiivay. He, at all events, is guiltless of any intrigne with Varitana. It is genuine Sutttvay, and charming throughout, though not, at first hearing, very catching,—which must always be the public test,—with the | exception of the duet, repeated with chorus as finale, “‘ I have a | VOL, LCV, not informing the public that the plot was | seems to lose something of its humour on the Stage. | In a week or two, no doubt, Jester Groner will introduce some of his gaggery-waggery, and when, d propos of Colonel Fairfax making love to Elsie, he has to say something about “‘lying close as a maggot in a nut,”’ he will add, “* but, ifakins, what careth she for a ‘nut,’ now that she hath the ‘ Kernel’? A pretty wit!” Mr. Denwy, as the Gaoler, is very much Mr. Denwy as the rural Policeman in Dandy Dick, only with music, and without the dialect. When Phabe (Miss Jessiz Bonn, who is, before all, the life and soul of the opera) introduces to him first her lover as her brother, and then afterwards her real brother, and Mr. Denny exclaims, ‘* Another brother! Are there any more of them?” one really expects him to add, ‘It’s a nice lot of ac-quain-tances you're inter-doosing me to,” or something much to that effect, which he on in similar circumstances, to say to his wife in Prineno’s Comedy. | In the book, Mr. Grrpert has carefully pointed out, using capital letters for the purpose, that the first stanza of his finale is written in ‘‘Exeeracs.” This is very considerate, as it directs the critics’ attention to a fact that might otherwise have escaped their notice, In old days, the jokes in the books of every Burlesque used to be | printed in italics. There was no possibility of anybody passing over a pun. The motive in both cases is much the same. he fault in the representation is that, with the occasional excep- | tion of Miss Jessre bop and Miss Branpram—none of the actors play with conviction. They seem uncertain as to the character of | the piece,—is it serious, or isn’t it? And if it isn’t, are they to | keep the joke to themselves, or to let the audience into the secret ? Mr. Grossmiru, with an occasional sly wink at the house, seems to | incline to the latter view, and no doubt when he has exaggerated his dances, developed his comic business, and made the part quite his own, it will go with roars, especially his contradictory duet with Mr. Dewwy, which is clearly founded on the mvdel of the well- |known comic song, where the wife pestnacionsty insists that |something can only be cut with scissors, when the husband obsti- nately sticks to it that a knife must be used :— “ Cut it with a knife, Said he. Cut it with the scissors, Said she. (He) Knife, (She) scissors, (He) knife, (Sic) scissors, ke , SX ” | Only that, in this duet, the quarrel is between Mr. Denny and Mr. Grossmira first as to whether somebody was creeping or | crawling. “ He was creeping, le was crawling, (D.) Creeping, (@.) crawling, &e., &c., &e.” And then they differ as to how the man sank in the moat,—Mr. Denny says, “like a stone;’’ Mr. Grossmirm says, ‘‘ like a heavy lump of lead;” and then they alternate “lead,” ‘' stone,” and so forth, which will work up, with comie business, into something very funny, and probably be the hit of the piece. The best serio-comic song, as far as words go, is, to my thinking, the first one sung by the Jester. The scenery and the costumes are excellent. My summary is this:—Cut at least twenty minutes out of the First Act; take a quarter of an hour out of the Second Act, s as to finish by eleven; never let the Beefeaters go off withgut a dance ; induce Mr. Tempte to abandon all attempt at playing his part seriously ; in fact give every one of them carte blanche (*‘a very D’Oyly-Carte task,” as the Jester would say) to go in for the old larks of Mikado & Co., and the Savoyards will feel themselves once more at home, and their kind friends in front will he satisfied with everybody generally at the House of Savoy. Jack In THE STALL. q

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LL | 170 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. [Ocromer 13, 1888, | A space in a slum, or a blank HORRIBLE LONDON; OR, THE PANDEMONIUM OF POSTERS. on « fence, | A spare square of brick in neighbourhood dense, Or a bit of unoccupied | boarding, | But there the new poster, who didn’t much care For the menacing legend, ** Bill-stickers beware ! ” | Right soon was tremen- doug busy With placards portentous jn purple and blue, _[hne, Of horrible subject and hideous Enough to bemuddle an aéro- naut’s view, And turn the best steeple- Jack dizzy. Oh, the flamboyant flare of those fiendish designs, | With their sanguine paint- splashes and sinister lines! Gehenna seemed visibly glaring ‘ In paint from those villanous daubs. There were men At murderous work in mal- odorous den, And ghoul-woman grue- somely staring. The whole sordid drama of murder and guilt, Thesteel that strikes home, and the blood that is spilt, Was pictured in realist colours, | With emphasis strong on the black and the red, The fear of the stricken, the glare of the dead ; All dreads and disasters and dolours That haunt poor Humanity’s dismallest state, The horrors of crime and the terrors of fate, As conceived by the crudest of fancies, Were limned on these posters in terrible tints, In the style of the vilest sen- sational prints | Or the vulgarest [penny romances. | That Bill-sticker paused in his work with a book | Which betrayed the black de- mon, and gleesomely shook | His sides in a spasm of laughter. | Quoth he, with a sinister wag of his head, ‘* By my horns, the good artist has lavished the red! This home of coarse horror— this house of the dead Looks crimson from base- menttorafter. How strange that a civilised | City—ho! ho! | Tis their fatuous dream to consider it so !— Which is nothing too lovely at best, should bestow = { Such a liberal licence on oe ; spoilers ! oN eo These mural monstrosities, | reeking of crime, ; Tue Demon set forth in a novel disguise And beat them all round at the Bill-sticker’s art. Flaring horridly forth amidst | (All methods of mischief the master-fiend tries) I will set up in business in Babylon’s mart, ualor and grime, al Quoth he, ‘‘ There ’s much ill to be wrought through As the new Pandemonium Poster!” Must have an effect which will the eyes. So he roved the huge city with wallet at waist, tell in good time I think, without being a boaster, With a brush, and a stick, and a pot full of paste, Upon legions of dull-witted I can give their most ‘cute Advertisers a start, And there wasn’t a wall or a hoarding, toilers. ee

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1is 0k of | Ancestors, in last week’s World, must have been to a | Tow Hotwes knew, was acquainted with another person | from an eye-witness! ——— OctopeR 13, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 171 Taken in through the - such suggestions of sin A sympathy morbid and monstrous must win From the grovelling victims of gloom and bad gin, Who gapingly gaze on them daily ; A fine picture-gallery this for the People ! Oh, while this endures, spite of School Board and Steeple, My work must be going on gaily !” A ROYAL APPARITION, Last Friday the Zimes Correspondent at Bucharest, writing about the entertainments given in honour of the Prince of WALES, said— “In the evening there will be a series of tableaux vivants representing scenes from SHAKSPgARE’s works. These have been carefully rehearsed under the superintendence of Queen ELIZABETH.” What better person could they have had as an authority except SHaksPEARE himself? But how did they get her? Were Spiritualistsemployed ? If this be possible, then it is not unlikely that Drurtotanvs is already shaking in his shoes lest Her Majesty, more ruffled than ever, should pay him an unexpected visit at Drury Lane, and insist on superintendinga night revival of the Armada, with ghostly scenery, costumes, and appointments, and a phantom cast. Only thus would her manes be satisfied, and then she herself might be re-hearsed, and conveyed in state to Westminster Abbey, DrurroLanvs superintending. In Statu Pupillari. Yocne Master Barovur, without an apology, Speaks on philosophy, also theology. To listen his Grandmother will not be loth, ““Otp Tom.’”’—Hotmes at Home, the Hotmes of our considerable number of persons one of the most interesting of the series. A person, whom the veteran octogenarian who had received an account of the Great Fire of London Fancy that! Such evidence at hand would simplify a large portion of the Historian’s labour! A mek welcome to Old Tom. Plenty of spirit in him yet. His health! A NEW AND AGREEABLE TOY.—THE PARACHUTE. You Tre A BIG Stone To THE Four ComNners OF A POCKET-HANDKERCHIEF, AND FLING IT AS HIGH AS YOU CAN. AND RETARDS THE FALL OF THE STONE—SOMETIMES IT DOESN'T, SoMETIMES THE HANDKERCHIEF EXPANDS Wet wickets have sodden the leather, COOD-BYE TO THE (CRICKETING) SEASON. A Fond Farewell, something in the style of Praed, composed at the Oval in October by our Own Old Enthusiast.) Goon-nYE to the Season !—’Tis over ! Pavilions no longer are gay ; Bat, bowler, and leal Cricket-lover, Are scattered like M.P.’s away. es =, YQ” The Last Ball of the Season. Water Reap bobs no longer his brown end At point, watching BannERMAN’s ‘‘shape;” Gusert Grace has gone home to dear Downend, _ Bon Axet is bound for the Cape. or want of a fuller enjoyment, Till Bat, Ball, and Stumps, can come out, At Football a few find —— = ent, But Cricket is done, beyond doubt. Good-bye to the Season !—The weather Has bowed at the shrine of St. Gamp ; And stumps have been pitched in a swamp. Chill deluges, varied with thunders, The Cricket-crack’s ‘‘ average” queer. Bad hits and bad misses are blunders Scarce blamed in so beastly a year. There are all sorts of excellent reasons All round for the prevalent ‘* duck ;” So, Good-bye to this wettest of Seasons ! Its memories are mainly of muck. Good-bye to the Season !—The chances That filled even champions with gloom ; The rascally tricks and rare dances Devised by the demon of doom. The ‘“‘bad hits” that should have ** beauties,” The good ones so palpably ‘‘ flukes” ; The fielders so slack in their duties, The Captains so tart in rebukes ; The cocksures who dropped bobs and tanners On matches like Surrey v. Notts; The consequent breaches of manners ; The subsequent downfall of ‘‘ pots.” Good-bye to the Season !—the rages When second-rate teams came out strong ; When Aset—for one—stayed in ages, Or Reap missed his tip and went wrong ; When clever and *‘ champion” Surrey The Cornstalks thrice tackled in vain— Lost twice by bad fortune and flurry, And missed winning once through the rain ; Whilst Gloucester, whom Surrey could swallow, And Leicester whom Gloucester could eat, Both licked the Australians hollow. ‘* Good old Surrey ’”’ wound up with defeat. been Good-bye to the Season !—the ** Terror ”’ Who put such a break on the ball ; Yes, Turner can bowl, “‘ and no error,” And Ferris makes many sing small. | But England has no need to fluster ; She is not deficient in “‘ stars” ; Still, when her best men she can muster, She wins in these willowy wars. [killing! | There’s Loumany, how straight and how d He’ll ‘‘ hold up our end,” please the pigs ; - 4 And slashing McDomwEis ’s scarce willing ; To stand many overs of Buarcos! Good-bye to the Season !—A wetter ’un Seldom spoiled ‘‘ place,” ‘‘ pitch,” and tut here’s to our evergreen veteran [‘* pace”’; Still to the front—Giteert Grace! ‘*The Doctor” stands nominal second, But who plays so often as he? Still W. G. must be reckoned As virtual top of the tree. The theme of all Cricket-feed speeches, The pet of pavilion and field, His pre-eminence no one impeaches, To none need our ‘‘ Champion ” yield. Good-bye to the Season !—Another Will come with the coming of May ; Though the new county boundaries bother, | The ery of the boys will be “* Play!” | Will it come like this terrible ‘* tryer ?” | Or come very much the reverse ? | Will its scorings be lower or higher ? Will its weather be better or worse ” Will it favour the bowler or batter ? Will it come with dry turf and clear sky, Or washy and squashy ?—No matter :— Good-bye to the Season—good-bye !

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ey [Ocroper 13, 1888, _ PUNCH, DUE NORTH. Shakspearian— Household— Luncheon— Family Party— Mysterious ‘3 my ~—Another— Perilous— Down again— Rest— Thankful, From what I hear of the names of the servants inside and outside the house, such as Dowcay, Donan, Ross, DonaLpBLary, it appears that, with the exception of Macduff, Banquo, and Three Witches, we have pretty nearly the entire of Macheth. The part of Macbeth is filled by the chief housemaid and housekeeper, whose name is Macsern. Whether she is Mary, or Jennre, or Errre, I do not know,—and, by the way, what was Lady Macbeth’s Christian name ? Her husband never mentions it, and the only rm of endearment by which he addresses r is, ‘‘ dearest chuck.” Why “ chuck” ? ir Maceern at the shooting-ledge — a tall, good-looking lass, about thirty or so, 1 strapping wench with an elegant figure, —would forcibly resent being called a ‘*‘ehuek” by anyone, even if there were a male Macspera on the premises who had acquired a right todo so. She can walk with the swing of a man, pull stroke or bow in a boat, or scull it Single-handed across the lake, if need be; is a good shot with a rifle, can do tailoring or cobblering to perfection, ** odd jobs executed at the shortest possible notice,”’—and has a ready eye to the wants and comforts of all the visitors in both departments— the House and the Annexe—of the establishment over which she presides. She is invaluable: and though in the Annexe we do not see much of her, yet it is to her that we haye to make known our wants, which, once mentioned, are immediately supplied. House itself, on a busy evening, when the sportsmen have come in the th cast } ne () * How dee do?” late, and everybody is, more or less, hurrying up in their dressing | , and no one can | for dinner, and everybody has mislaid somethi find anything, then ees the passages, from the helors’ quarters, and from the rooms where the young ladies are, come the reiterated cries, as if they were uttered by the Apparitions that rise out of the Witches’ cauldron, of ‘‘ Macneta! Macsern!! Macpern!!!” instead of losing her presence of mind, and exclaiming, flurriedly, ‘* Had I three ears, I’d hear thee!” strong Scotch brogue, ** All right, Sir, I’m coming directly !”’—and come she does to everybody in turn, and everybody in turn is more than satisfied. A wonderful woman. There are three young ladies under the care, apparently, of the Good Aunt. I am not introduced, but they all say, as the Wicked Uncle did, ‘‘ How dee do” to me, at lunch time, and address one another by their Christian names, Mrtuir, Every, and the youngest ind smallest is Mapex. Who they are, what their surnames may be, whether they are sisters, wives, or cousins belonging to the other guests, I haven't the slightest idea. It seems to be taken for granted in this within these four walls, ‘ You should aave gone out fishing this morning, MILLIr,” says Baron to the young lady. ‘She couldn’t,” replies Evetyy, ‘‘as I wanted her to walk out with me.” ‘*Good Aunt,” says D. B., “how are you? to march out with the five o’clock tea, if we drive.’ ‘* If you’re going to drive, I’d rather walk, if I may,” says Miss Mapes, appealing to the Laird, * the trap shakes so!” | Whereat there’s a laugh all round, and the very young lady colours up and looks frightened. The Laird hastens to the rescue. ‘It’s not ‘driving’ in a trap,” he explains, smilingly, ‘‘the grouse are driven by beaters, while we stand behind butts. I’ll show you the butts; you can see them from the window with a good glass.” ** How on earth should Maper know vour sporting terms?” says the Good Aunt interposing. ‘‘ It’s her first day up here!” | On careful and separate inquiry, I find that none of the party have | ever met one another before last week, and the young ladies only arrived yesterday. The people who brought them went away at once. They are **‘ left here till ealled for.” The talk is all sp wrt : either shooting or fishing. Everyone explains to everyone else why some particularly easy shot “ didn’t come off,”’ some one is always saying, ‘* Ah, I oughtn’t to have missed that !”’ | Grannre, the fisherman, who, out-of-doors walks about with flies | and hooks stuck all over his head, has seen fish rising in every direction. But it appears that, unfortunately, the fish have seen him, and so, thongh = kept on changing his flies every half hour, | and waded up to his middle, yet, “ He did not catch that trout, rave Boys He did not catch that trout!” © | the , | and In the} And | she pleasantly replies, in her | present company, which is, to all intents and purposes, a | family party, that there is no such being as a stranger in existence Maper, you’ll have | | And “so he will give the trout a holiday, and ge out shooting this | alternoon. } | It has been pouring with rain. It is pouring now, “ And” | says the Laird, ‘‘ we shall have showers all the afternoon.” | ‘*Showers” here are, I find, pelting storms which wet you through |in a couple of minutes. , = this rain,” says the Baron, walking to the window, “ we're | sure to put up something on that hill yonder.” Happy Thought.—lf I go with them, I’m sure to | thing,” —my umbrella. | ‘** You can have the pony, if you like to ride up to where we’re | driving,” says the Laird to me. On consideration, being fond of air and exercise, I accept. The pony is ordered, and I anticipate q | good gallop over the hills and far away, two or three hours’ exercise, | happy return home, rub down, bath, change, and splendid appetite | for dinner. ’ | They start, all the party, except the ladies, and disappear. The | ladies melt away and become invisible. I am to join the sportsmen las soon as I like, Of course mounted, I shall easily catch up the |infantry, so I tell the youthful gillie, Duncay, who comes to inform me ‘‘ the pony’s ready saddled,” that Ill start in a quarter of an hour. I follow the boy to where the pony is. Pony! it is a rough- looking sort of cart-horse, over fifteen hands, with an old saddle, loose girths, and a single snaffle rein that looks as if it would break with the slightest strain. However, I said I would go: and perhaps the *‘ pony” is better than he looks. ’ In less than tive minutes I find he isn’t. His pace is a quick slouching walk with rather a nautical roll init. His head droops heavily, as if he were sadly weary of this sort of life. He is led by the lad | Duncan, who carries 4 switch, as if he were a donkey-boy and | |was having sixpennorth on the sands: and we are ignominiously | following another “ pony,” which is being personally conducted by an elder gillie. This other pony is also over fifteen hands, and across | its back are swung panniers for game, baskets holding five o’clock tea and other provisions, and such a lot of wraps and waterproofs as to suggest the idea of the baggage pony being a ‘‘ clothes horse.” | |have no one to say this to, so keep it to myself and appreciate it dismally. It is just as if the sportsmen were the army on active |service, and I had been dual among the impedimenta. Per- a I think to myself, things will be better presently as we go | uphill Pia py Thought.—*‘ Speculate for the rise.” Nothing of the sort. The ground gets worse and worse. Each | fresh bog is boggier than the last, and the higher we get, the steeper is the climbing, and the more perilous my situation. The elder | gillie plods on his way, morose and taciturn. The younger, my | Donkey-boy, blithe, but silent. It is a melancholy party ; quite |funereal. The coats and wraps, slung across first horse, are sugges- | tive of the lifeless body of some one whom we have shot, and whom | we are going to bury up in the hills, and I, mounted, am either a | prisoner or chief mourner, it doesn’t much matter which. The boy | gives up leading the cart-horse-pony, and strolls on with the taciturn gillie. f try to engage the elder gillie, from a distance, in conversation, but be won’t be engaged. I want to interest him in my own per- sonal safety, so that if anything happened, by which I mean if my horse fell head-foremost into a bog er euntial dome sideways over 4 narrow ledge,—my knees shudder at the thought,—he, being on friendly terms with me, and living in dim hopes of half-a-crown, would rush to my assistance. . ” Happy Thought (of the gillie). ‘‘ Speculating for the fall.” (My fall.) But gillie senior refuses to be interested ; he won’t talk, not even lof the weather. The youthful gillie, Duncan, follows his example so closely that he won’t be communicative even to the extent of informing me what sort of day it was yesterday, and what amount of sport they had had the day before that. Wutson Barkert, wit his favourite ‘How long!” flashes across my mind at several critieal moments. ‘‘How long” will this saddle remain on the horse? and ‘* How long” shall I remain on the saddle? Till accident us do part. ; ‘ Elder and younger gillie silent, as if overcome by some great | grief, or groaning in spirit against their Saxon cqgeeoeres, trois on, jumping without effort from rock to rock, the elder one jerking the > leading-rein, encouraging it to land on sharp projections, an to founder desperately through morasses. I watch the pronto wi fearful interest, knowing that whatever happens to the horse in front of me must, it is ten to one, happen to mine. But the horse in front carries only waterproofs, empty bags, and materials for five ° clock tea, while mine carries me. As we cross a torrent, my horse balancing itself on the pointed tops of rocks which just peep out of the damp moss, and where a slip from any giyen point must precipitate us into the depths below, I am inclined to whisper nervously in the horse’s ear, with a view to inspiring him with confidence, ‘ Remember you carry C#sar and his fortunes!” and I heartily wish (#48 were anywhere else at this moment. _ fort It is no sort of use attempting to guide the beast. I try to comfo — * put up some-

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Ocroper 13, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 173

ee - myself with the reflection that the horse knows the country, and | must have been up here any number of times. The circumstances | on former occasions may have been totally different, and one |

[ rode up here for exercise, anticipating an increase of tempera- | ture, skin-acting, and everything beneficial for a person with certain | gouty tendencies. But here we are, ing up the mountain’s side | | (We wandered up the mountain’s side iy and I am feeling colder | | snd colder. I would get off and walk if my boots were not too thin | for the slosh, and I foresee catching a severe cold. After an hour | and a half of this amusement, and catching sight of the shooters only | fora moment when they were all too occupied to talk—especiall | the Wicked Unele, who is craftily lying in wait for a grouse behin a butt built of peat, like a brigand looking out for the solitary traveller, —1 come to the determination that, directly I see anythi resembling a road, I will descend and run down it as hard as can, at the risk of dislocating my ankles, in order to circulate my blood, which must have gone down nearly to zero. oorah! ‘* Thalatta! Thalatta!” mean The Road! The | Road! “Let us take to the Road, Boys!” Highwayman’s song \in The Beggar's Opera. It is not exactly a road, but, when the winter is over, and it is no longer a water-course, it is evidently u as a road by the natives, who must be very easily satisfied. Small rates ought to have been charged for mending this road, and the biggest rate ever known on it is the pace at which I am going down when once soley To the astonishment of the taciturn gillie and the dismay of Duncan the Donkey-boy who had charge of me, I slide off the horse on to the ground, run. ey tome. No—not back again—I wave my hand. They are dumfounded. I feel like a prisoner escaping ; and they, as I glanee back at them look as the guardians must have looked, to whose care the hist ori Royal Personage was entrusted, when he said, ‘* Good-day, Gentlemen!” and their horses being blown, galloped away in the direction of England, Home, and Beauty ! Free! Free! Free! Never again on the fifteen-hand cart-horse- pony forme. Free! Free! Free! Splash ~-dash—slash—dash—into the ruck, into the muck, into the water, over the stones, whack, crack, not ‘‘down on my back,” but going as if I were wearing the seven- leagued boots, until the grand erspiration effect is pro- duced. I hear the Donkey- <

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. I nave just finished Mapleson’s circumstance certainly is quite different now, and that is, that! An ‘old soldier” of course and yet b this is the first time he has ever travelled across these hills with<me Hi : 1d with on his back,—and, I add to myself most fervently,—i# will be y ove e. His stories are told wi the last! touching simplicity, and many would be highly amusi the reader could It’s principal, late E. T. Surra, who was . oe not Poli X., but an ex~policeman, Skipping over several Pages. y adores the ceed a inna pathetic Diva, formerly La ise De Cavx, now Mme. Nicotty1, and known to all the world as Parti. If her ents with other Managers are similar to the one published in Vol. Il. of the shorn Impresario’s Memoirs, then I ity eo Operas Managers. Of course inalienable right to do the best for herself she can. There will always be somebody to take up a Diva like Parti, as long as the public generally but not always, as has been i igh prices to hear a brill unsupported, in preference to giving & reasonable amount for a good all-round performance, It would be worth while to compare with the Maplesonian Memoirs WILLERT Brae’s recollections, published, | think, some years ago, which told of a time when Operate artists were a trifle more Bohemian, but infinitely more genia a Diva has a natural and recently proved, will pay to their employers The Fourth Volume of the Marswatt and Irvine Shakspeare is out. Messrs. MarsHatt and Irvine have constituted themselves into a sort of Editorial Committee, ‘‘ with power to add to their number ;” and consequently several . collaborators now appear

boy pursuing. He been sent after me by the Laird, who, he shouts to me, breathlessly, is a | angry with him for leaving me to find my way alone. But, for all his holloaing, I ‘won’t stop, and he catches me up by a short cut, and on we go together, panting, until I come to a dead stop in the valley, and am anxious to know the shortest cut to the Lodge, as the rain, which has been threatening proceedings for some time past, is beginning to fall, and, if I get wet in this fever-heat, I tremble ¢ for the consequences. The youthful x a gillie points out the road,—over the Here we are agsin' meadow, round by the swing-bridge. He will go there by another and a shorter route. Allez’ On we goes again! He his way, mine, The big rain- become bigger. ‘‘Speed thee on, my bonnie Shanks’s mare, I have tru thee many a time before, and will again '” The last mile is always the longest. Then the swing- bridge— a narrow plank hung on wires—a miniatare suspension Hammer- smith, swaying like a slack rope as I cross it cautiously. BLONDIN for ever ! e opposite bank of the river is gained ! Saved! saved! The rain! ‘Let it come down.” And, as I quote Macbeth, Macseru herself, the ever-vigilant housekeeper, sees me flying past the front-door (‘* You should see my coat-tails flying!”’), and calls out, ‘* Yell just be soaked through. I’ll send you your hot water,”—and so she does ; and in another half-hour I am com- fortably seated in an arm-chair before the fire in the smoking-room, with a pipe and the first book I can lay my hand on, just to enjoy a quiet read and rest in the two hours that remain to me before dinner. The library here is not a large one. There are two — novels, Jorrocks’s Jaunts, BrapsHaw’s latest publication, and The New Newgate Calendar, illustrated, in two volumes. It is one of these last-mentioned that is now in my hand ; and it is this that, an hour afterwards, drops with a bang on the floor, as I wake up and see D. B.’s face at the window, as he cries out, Here we are again! How are you?”

~ on the scene whose names were not in the original ‘east. The notes are useful and interesting, as far as I’ve been able to dip into them. I anticipate much % amusement from the two volumes of Edmund Kean, by Frrzegrakp MOoLLoy ; also from the Autobiography down as Author! This is ought to be very light readi while. If the Sparx flickers, he sympathises w and } on the charge

and say nuffin’ Eye Opener. out after dusk, example. dungeon quite near to

onl rid of ing that he is iy ge ot feng he was shorn, and how the wind, always so difficult to raise, was rarely if ever tempered to his poor back. Pity the sorrows of a poor old Man- -ager, whom Opera brought down to the oor, Who means to come up smiling when he can, And is but looking for just one chance more. with which the guileless lonel has had to deal. He. i the tenderest of Sms Rerves, compiled b him from his own notes. Sitting full c e fora Tenor! I’ve another Musie-Book on my desk, Musical ma The Emperor's Diary, edited by y one shilling, which isn’t much for the Diary of an Emperor. Not the least interesting part of this pocket-volume is the Editor’s introductory remarks on the policy of Prince Bismarck, at the same time that he ournalistic light. There is a similarity between Herr Lucy and Prince BisMaRcK, inasmuch as both have taken up a German subject, but in ve style. As Bismarck has his spies everywhere, | should recommend Herr Won Lucy ‘‘ to lay low and artistically disguised as somebody else, BIsMARCK is seis -— poatint, i idnapping Herr Won Lucy an aes re Dr. GerrKxen, beneath the Castle Moat. So Mote-n’t it Be, says the Potentate Who now has the honour of subscribing himself everybody's most sincerely, the Musical-Political-Artistic-and-Literary Memoirs. Poor dear Colonel! how ill-used he must have been to the lamb bleating out how a wicked and teful world iant singer and obliging

Littery and Artistic. emories, by Dr. SPARK. This I shall leave the gay Spanx for « revived by a slight puff. it. W. Lucy, is just out, price ith Dr. Gerrxen, the literary ntleman who is now in prison of having brought the Diary, & j on ry different for some little time, never to f° and in the daytime to be carefully as Lika Joxo for and would think incarcerating him in a

Baron pe Book Worms.

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| ACT I L( INDON CHA RIVARI. “ “ Ad \ 57797 y f , ~- ‘ = Tz i ae me A FLAGRANT (The ** United Service Unemployed " Club Smoking Room. BEHOLD A DOZEN HONEST, ENLIGHTENED, AND ABLE-BODIED SUPERANNUATED Masons anp CAPTAINS, NOT TO MENTION FACUI ALL BORED TO EXTINCTION Trike Brirons LEISURED EXCEPT THOSE WHO ARE 80 FROM THE PRIVILEGE OF SERVING ON A JURY OF THEIR COUNTRYMEN ! INJUSTICE. Noon.) RETIRED GENERALS AND ADMIRALS, HALF-PAY COLONELS, YOUNG GUARDSMEN, ALL IN THE FULL POSSESSION OF THEIR FORTUNATE AS TO BE FAST ASLEEP), AND ALL CRUELLY DEBARRED Wuy! LITTLE JEM’S DOOM; Or, Tae Provipent Parents’ Resource. Brief Leow-Life Tragedy, produced lately with only too much success on the stage of the Great Metropolitan Theatre.) A London Slum. Rival Insurance Touts discorered, re- commending the advantages of their respective enterprises to the notice of two Provident Parents. First Rival Tout (summing up). Well, there you are. You pays a mere pittance monthly, and, 1f anything happens to the little one, why you has him buried respectable, with a regular first-class funeral, as should be a comfort to the feelings of a decent couple of ppentes like you, and quite reeoncile you, so to speak, to the = of llm. Second Rival Tout. And if you put into our concern, mind you, the money you gets more than covers the expenses. When all’s paid, you'll find you've got a tidy bit over for yourselves. You might make about two pound out of it, and that ought to console you. It does most of ‘em. First Rival Tout, But we don’t ask no nasty questions, you know, if so happens you have to put in your claim. Second Rival Tout. No. If you pays your first premium to-day, and comes next week for the burial-money, we stumps up like men, we do, and don’t make no fuss. First Rival Tout. 1 tell you what: our concern has been a real blessin’ to thousands, that it has. Provident Male Parent (convinced). Well, there’s saummat in what you chaps say, and I don’t mind tryin’ it on LittleJem here. (Address- ing Provident Female Parent. hat do you say, Missus? Jem has been a ailin’ lately, and if he means goin’, I’d like to see him shoved away proper; specially when there’s that two pound over to be got out of the jo His ** Missus”’ nods assent. Xi right, Mate, then. I’m game. Make out the ticket. [First Rival Tout ‘‘ makes out the ticket,” and Little Jum’s life is forthwith insured in the ‘‘ General Cosmopolitan Infants’ Coffin Supply Association” as Act-drop descends. ACT II.—A Coroner’s Court. An Inquest has just been held on the body of Little Jem, who has recently died under somewhat suspicious circumstances. The fact that he has for some time past been gradually sinking in an ill-ventilated back room, pur- posely neglected by his Provident Parents, has not come out in evidence; nor has it transpired that they have familiarised themselves with the idea of his decease, and, seeing it will not only relieve them of the cost of his maintenance, but also put some ready-money into their pockets, have come to regard it as a consummation devoutly to be desired. So it has come about that though Little Jem has been deliberately done to death by his businesslike natural protectors, the verdict has not been one of Murder, or even of Manslaughter, but of *‘ Death from Natura! causes.’ The Coroner, however, assuring the Jury that he will see that their recommendation, that the Government should take some steps to legislate for the protection of infant life from the baneful influence of such Societies as the ‘‘ General Cosmopolitan Infants’ Coffin Supply Association,” shall be forwarded to the | proper quarter, the Scene closes. ; Provident Male Parent (who has received the burial-money, and “ returning from the funeral, addressing his ‘‘ Missus.’’) Well, that’s done, though we ain’t made quite two pound by it. Still one pound sixteen ain't bad, with little Jem out of the way, andall. (Conf- dentially.) I tell you what it is, Missus, I votes we take out a ticket for our Sat and lanky Jor. When times is black, it ain’t half a bad | resource. Ill just look up that Insurance chap again. — Is left meditating ‘* murder” as Curtain descends. | ‘A ‘Preasvre-Horse’ used to do double duty in former days,” observed Mrs. Ram; “ and for my part I regret that Wives no longer ride on pillories behind their Husbands.”

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a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocrozer 13, 1888. Hl st i = — | | q | | iW \\ ai i iy a | Ih | | " i "i | | i | TT yeh i 4 thy \ bin Kh | a Mt il MI MW iI iy \| ily if) i) Uy i ON ’ hh \ {| i} ! i } X i ia ~ (iN ih i I | ) \ q WHITECHAPEL, 1888. Frest Memner or “ Crmerear Crass.” “FINE BODY 0’ MEN, THE PER-LEECE ;” <a ti Seconn Drrro. “‘ UNCOMMON FINE!—IT’S LUCKY FOR HUS AS THERE’S SE¢ H A BLOOMIN’ FEW ON ’EM aed "4h ty in other parts of the Metropolis.” men from ¢ ° 1 } , set emergence r ma 1 i ut “T have to observe that the Metropolitan Police have not large reserves t ready to meet emergencies; but air 4 Fad vag mate : assigned te him, and I can only strengthen the Whitechapel district by drawing : i p Tv ; v5 ” r ‘4 / ; fislec Statement. “ There is one Policeman to every seven hundred persons. Vide Recent Statistics. —

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| Ocroper 13, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 177 OUR NEW M.F.H. Kennel Huntsman. *‘ A MAN BROUGHT THIS HERI on Bitry’.” LAST NIGHT, [ Delight of ou) BUT HE DIDN'T LEAVE NO M&SSAGE TO SAY IF IT WERE For Rip’ WeFLH., Mr. Popple, who has given £40 for it to carry a Whip nei ROBERT'S LONG Larst weak I told you I’d kontinuew in my nex. This is my nex and I rekummense. The nex day, it looking rayther inclined to be fine, as if the rain was beginning to get rayther ashamed of itself for doing its werry best to spile all the crops, and all surten peepel’s tempers, and other peepel’s best close, I perswaded my wife to go with | me for‘a wark on the bewtifool Tems Embankment, and there we | WACATION. | |a nice evening’s emusement, to cheer us both hup. time; but, when night came, we went to the Theater, so as to have Ah, that was a nice evening’s emusement that was! I went carefully through the warious statements in the Noose- yapers, and picked outa Play that as the Z7imes said ‘* thrilled the es '” and, as the Adwertiser said, ‘‘ would attract all play- oers;”’ and, as the Daily Noose said, ‘held the audience breath- fess.” So off we went to the ‘‘ Liesee’ em,” and there we sat for a strolled about in the lovely gardins for a nour or two, and I wentured | hole hower a seeing sitch a xhibishun of disgusting orrers as we to say, as the tooth ake was much better, that the nice looking | neether of us never seed afore and fondly opes as we shall never see surroundins, with the River a flowing by, reminded me of that appy | no more. We coudn’t stand no more of it, but went out in the middel day in Grinnidge Park, when I arsked her to share my umbel fortunes | of the werry wust part, feeling quite hill, and warked home a for wheel or for wo. She was ewidently pleased, and a smile lited| grumbling and a growling all the way at being so shamefoolly and wundring how any man coud up her ample feeters, when, as ill-luck woud have it, jest at that werry | deseaved by the jockular papers: moment, down came one of them orful downpores as seems to have bin trying all this summer to beat the record, and allers succeeding. Well, after that day’s xperience, I must confess that, bewtifool as is the well kep Gardens, and the floing River, and the nice cumferal | e | seats, the Tems Embankment is not a conwenient plaice to seleck to | nex day we s | an and or two, broke rite off, and one of ’em had his nose nocked rite go out, I purtended to be a reading, and slep a good be cort with your best Beloved, with jest the remanes of a bad tooth- | ake, in a drenching storm of rain ad thunder and litening, and with her best dress on. So we have not repeated that xperiment. The vent at the Great British Mewseum, and we both agreed that it Bnet a great pitty that the Country was so werry pore that | they coudn’t afford to have the Stattys mended. There was several ot the most bewtifoollest of ’em all as had either a harm, or a leg, or off, and, aperienty, no attemp being maid to mend any on ’em. | Them as is without heds of coarse represents peeple as was beheded | afore their warious deaths, so the same fault cannot farely be found | with them. We coudn’t, neether on us, at all hunderstand why so | many on ’em was not allowed to dress theirselyes propperly afore | they had their stattys taken. Mrs. Ropert ewen going so far as to| say as she thort as sum on ’em, speshally the ladies, ort to have bin ashamed of thereselves, let alone the chance of catching werry bad colds. | Of course it rained pretty hard before we got home; but we had not werry far to go, so we did not git so werry wet this time, fort- nitly. e day after was much like the day afore, so, as I coudn’t | deal of the! have taken sitch a lot of trubbel to both look and hact more like a wild beest than a man. However, a nice little bankwet that my partner had prepaird as a surprise, and a partickler nice glass of ot Rum and water, enabled us to sup full of hoysters insted of “* full of orrors,” as sumbody says, and we was abel to bannish ’em from our thorts and to sleep the sleep of the hinnercent. LOBERT. Tur Comp WeaTHer HAs set In!—How to warm yourself. Sit near our Fvaniss, when he is giving his lecture on Portrait-painting. As suitable to a wintry entertainment, the lecture is illustrated by ** Slides.” In spite of being near the Frxyiss, the views are not dissolving; in fact our artist has positively declared that he sees no reason for changing his views. Aw Intsn Deticacy.—The Parnellite Members are declared by a contemporary to give themselves the airs of exceptional educa- tion, and delicacy of constitution. Let them, then, be so careful of their constitution, as closely to confine the pursuit of their aims and ends to constitutional methods. INTERESTING TO GEOLOGICAL AND Mepicat Srvpents.—In future, no one will be eligible for the Swiney Lectureship who has not gone through a regular course of Bacon,

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—___. 178 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ([OcropeR 13, 1888.

the brass bars, and stopping now at Brussels, now at Vien -at one moment near the red, at the next close to the white It is so simple, that even a child might play at it. So differen | fortunes are really lost, and suicides are of common occurrene: ” | showing a partiality to ‘‘ Londres. ; Thursday.—I am not at all surprised that some people cal |this place ‘‘ Beastly Boulogne.” It certainly deserves th; |want bracing air, go to Brighton or Folkestone. I am to! it the Casino. This is absolute rubbish. I know of no mor | brass rails. The time has arrived for writing plainly. Th: gambling is the curse of the place. Stories are heard on all sides |of money squandered and lost. The mode of playing is s simple that even a poor innocent child can risk and lose as high }a stake as five francs. It is so different from Monte Car! Everyone knows what that is like. There you can avoid playing if you wish, and may enjoy life at one of the loveliest watering-places in the world. But Boulogne is vastly different \ two-penny-halfpenny place, that only a few years ago was the refuge of the fraudulent bankrupt! Boulogne, indeed! | And the gambling too is a hard business. It is no idle distrac- jtion. You see, day after day, men, women and children standing round the baize table losing all they have! It is a dreadful sight! A really dreadful sight! I don’t pretend to play myself, but I certainly lost five-and-twenty francs by plunging blindly on ‘*‘ Bruzelles.”’ Friday.—Most amusing. Spent a day in looking about. Went up to the Mairie to see a civil marriage. Very fine affair. Carriages aud carpets. The bride a good-looking young lady, und the bridegroom decidedly distingué. Evidently persons of good position. People lunching at the hotel also interesting. One gentleman’s face I recognised. Sure I have seen him somewhere before and under pleasant circumstances. I do not think he can be a parson, and yet he would adorn a pulpit ; and that reminds me,—I wonder why the clergy fight shy of the site y . Casino. They might do much good, I think, if they visited it i al —— more frequently. Now, for instance, they might dance occa- a“ _— fo sionally at a Bal de Famille. Quite a nice set, some people in ¥ evening dress, and one or two wearing gloves. Had heard that REALISTIC. the riff-raff from ae — congronstes at seg —- . ey: ae ings. Notatall. I don’t think so. And the games of chance. Amateur Stage Manager in black hat). We VE SETTLED IT. We 'RE Really nothing at all. Merely a pretence at baccarat. Could GOING TO PLAY Tus Tick BT OF Leave May, AND I 'vE « AST YOU FOR| not hurt anyone. As for the Chemin de fer, well, 1 can only Me.rer Moss—yYou KNOW, THE OLD JEW. SPLENDID PART! say that I have cleared thirty francs from first to last. I am

Second Amateur (in white hat). ‘‘ On, I covu.pn’r po iT, uy Bor—I SHOULD HAVE TO WEAR A Fatse Nose !” lent boat, always a for my passage back. —— — Saturday.—W ¢ TWO VIEWS OF BOULOGNE. the bride at whose civil marriage I assisted yesterday was 4 scullery-maid from a local restaurant! And the gentleman of (A Page from a Diary kept at Monte Carlo Minor.) cedaiaiiiie ciihasasaees <e tei an toh

Monday.—Arrived by the Mary Beatrice, one of the best boats of the | me, and who I at a first glance took for a parson, turns out to South-Eastern Railway Company. Really delightful. Breakfast in| be acroupier! I should not have been in the least surprised to luncheon! Everything so fresh and foreign. Glad to see the red trousers | not required his attendance elsewhere. Such a Bal de Famille! temarkably good. Seen worse things in Paris. And then the Chemin de | of a dull evening at the Hall-by-the-Sea. And the gambling! fer! Of course object to gambling, on principle ; but what possible harm | People writing to the papers about Monte Carlo when Boulogne can there be in risking a few franes? I did, and won ten by embarking | is ten times as bad! Baccarat played every night and ruining my fortunes on the blanc. scores, hundreds! As for the Chemin de fer, well—I can only Tuesday.—Greatly disappointed. Boulogne is not at all like what it| say that I lost three hundred francs at a single sitting! I am used to be. ‘So English, you know.” Too English, in fact, and not | going home at once by that nightmare of my childhood, the all- good English either. More like bad Bayswater. The French soldiers, | the-way-by-sea-and-river London Boat! too, are all undersized, and the place itself desolation in its most desolaté —————— form. Hotels closed, and houses to be let or sold everywhere. The ; Casino has certainly deteriorated. Band small, and not particularly French Rosycrucians. skilful. Theatre pitiful. Saw some dreadful piece, in five Acts, that Unper the exalted patronage of the Comtesse De Panis, the apparently was being played by amateurs. Most feeble performance I | ‘‘ Rose of France’ has been adopted by the Royalists as their | have ever witnessed. And then the Chemin de fer! I repeat, I object | distinctive flower, and they have instituted among themselves to gambling on principle; but granted that it is not wrong, what possible | a new Society, entitled, the ‘‘ League of the Rose.” An apt good can hese Se in risking a few francs? I did, and lost twenty by | addition of the rose to the fleur-de- 'ys—a new alliance of lilies embarking my fortunes on the rouge. and roses. The ‘‘ League of the Rose” may be considered the Wednesday.—Really Boulogne improves on acquaintance. I am not! French counterpart of the British Primrose League. Revolu- surprised that some people call it “* utiful Boulogne,” the air is cer-| tions, we know, are not made with rose-water; but the rose tainly delightful—I think finer than Brighton or Folkestone. I know| appears to have been appropriated to serve the purpose of 4 others say that the place has fallen off terribly since the establishment of | Legitimist reaction. By wearing it in their button-holes and the so-called gambling at the Casino. This is absolute rubbish. I can displaying it on their banners, the confederates of the Rose recall no prettier sight than the toy engine, with its model carriages, League appear to have persuaded themselves that their prospects

that interested persons declare that Boulogne is growing, and |owes much of its prosperity to the establishment of gambling

4a ‘ from Monte Carlo. Everyone knows what that is like. Ther But at Boulogne it is merely an amusing distraction. I don’t pretend to play myself, but I certainly won five franes by jname. The port at low tide is absolutely awful. No; if you | painful sight than to watch the eager faces of the players as | the monotonous model train clicks with its wire against the thinking of taking a deck-cabin on the Louise Dagmar (excel- | l, really it is too much! Just discovered that | prepossessing appearance who lunched at the same table with | London at 8°30, eatch the 9°40 Express, and be in Boulogne in time for | have seen him dancing at the Bal de Famille, if his duties had | of the soldiers; and the place itself sv cheery. The Casino admirable. | Fishermen dancing with fisherwomen ; and on my word they | Capital Band. Theatre, too, very amusing. Light Opera, nicely sung. | seemed the ‘* best set.” he rest of the company reminded me | | | |

running round the track, with its piece of spring wire striking against are couleur-de-rose.

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ly a Se - _ oo Bere sit eka as

Ocroser 13, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 18.

XAecxn PAROS (| | te <<) “FT GL D/ A~s ot are) | ia») »)

ON THE

STUMP.

Cuvrcn AND Stace.—Strictly speaking, the word ‘‘ Mummer” cannot be applied to an Actor, and th in the title Mummer’s Wife and in the recent article ‘‘ Mummer Worship,” with which Mr. Irvine pa ~ well,” though perhaps not wisely, “to be angry,” the wo . ummer”’ js used contemptuousl y of the regular professional Actor. such on shows ignorance. ‘‘ Momerie” is defined in the _ French theatrical dictionary as, “ Mascarade, bouffonnerie, : guisement de gens masqués pour aller danser, jouer, %¢ réjouir.” = the first Mummer was Momus, the professional jester, the Merry iG rew, the Tom Fool of the Court of King Jove “‘ in the air, Of the es Lord Mayor.” Let those whom the Mammer’s cap fits, wear it,

but most certainly neither Mr. Invise nor Mr. WrxpHAM need be rd| with Momerie in any shape? If so, it is a

hurt by anything written against Mummers and mumming. Can it be true that Henzy Invine refused to speak at the Church Congress simply because he would have been brought in contact ity, as Momerie in his own shape at the Congress was in excellent form; and though with Momerie “Mum's the word,” yet on this occasion he spoke out strongly, and did his best with ‘‘ Pessimism.” The arch Congress, owing to the abstention of the leading Tra- gedian (his health in a glass of “Pommery,” which rhymes to ‘Momerie!”), felt some delicacy in dealing with the subject of Ievove and the Irvingites, and so let it alone. But—aha!—a time will come !

4

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| chops). I give you my word I’ve not tasted salmon, grouse, or ODE TO THAT TOAD. | venison, not once all the time I ’ve been in Scotland ! | A Stout Man (sympathetically). Nor have I, Sir! That is—at the | Skinflint Hotel they did give us what they were pleased to cal] g BLAMELESS | * Salmi of Grouse”; but what d’ye think it was, Sir ?—four backs eds te | as bare as my hand and the rest of it rabbit ! ; ate shen etic | German Waiter. Vill you dake frite fish or whide fish ? fancy is | The Grumbler. Oh, whichever you like! (To the Stout Man. Dowers with evil gifts and powers | sinister, My ©. | living man, they brought me treacle ! [ And so on ad. lih, ~ 1| The Gushing Visitor, What charming Menus—with pictures on lefic, labial them, too! And see, what’s printed on the top: “A Gift to the Guest.” I do call that so nice of them, Groner, don’t you ? aaa George. 1 do indeed, my dear. I should feel uneasy at profiting by pee such reckless and almost oriental hospitality, if I was not reassured Could not thy | by observing an advertisement of somebody’s beef-tea on the back. kindred go-| The Newly-Married Wife (to Husband). Jack! bemouches| Jack. Well? (far less| N. M W. Wasn't it idiotic of me to go and leave my umbrella sensible) | behind like that ? Leave thee alone a bit, refrain from ranking | Jack (tenderly). Not a bit. Thee with the frog-shower, fish-fall, huge sea-serpent, | NW. M W. Jack, I won’t have you saying I’m not idiotic when | And great gooseberry ” know I was. Now say | was idiotic, like a good boy. Jack, Shan’t! » gave an account of a Toad found in a bed of clay ved there since the Glacial period ] —but it’s never anything but fried ’addock all the time! The Stout Man. I'll tell you a thing that happened to me at the Haggisburgh Hotel—I asked for some marmalade at breakfast, and orifice, — Sputtering ‘ Owed to a Creditor.” hirty thousand years in clay’ Ridiculous! I phe , . : Fie on the fudge about times prehistoric ' The N. M. W. Then you shan’t have any melted butter till you } u a survival faint from epochs glacial ? do! [ Dispute lasts throughout meal, and is in danger of culminating Picadas Matonen? in a serious -nisunderstanding, until Jack finally admits, in a very handsome manner, that perhaps she had acted rather Bet them a bob that you are no load-TANNER, idiotically. Foolish enough to practise secular fasting, : | dn Impressionable Tourist (to himself). What a lovely girl that Cramped in a clay-cleft without worms, or nourishment is next to me—how superior she seems to all these other people! No Entomological ! wonder she is so silent! I must speak to her, if only to hear her Man is a clayey creature, 0 Batrachian! voice. 1’ll try it—she can but snub me. (Aloud, to Fair Neighbour.) He it is who, caved in his crass credulity, | What a wonderful view you get here of — Lives through the ages a purblind existence— | Waiter (suddenly interposing with dishes). Gudlet or Hash Muddon’ T'oad-in-the-hole-y ! The Divinity appears, in the business of choosing, to have forgotien that she has been addressed ; the Impressionabl Tourist feels that the golden moment has flown { the present, and bides his time till the sweets appear, when she VOCES POPULI. opens her lips for the first time. AT TABLE D’HOTE IN THE HIGHLANDS. The Divinity (to her Mother, a Glasgow lady). Mammaw, aw'm say’n—they ’ve pit tae much sugar in th’ Semolina pudd’n! The dream fades ; impressionable Tourist decides to spend his evening in the Bilhard Room as usual, Scent—A long dinner-table, garnished with spiky plants languishing in the native pots. Visitors discovered consulting Wine-list, which they do with knitted brows for some minutes, and then order whiskey and soda, German Waiters get in one another's way, and quarrel in whispers. Late comers enter, either : e Re 7. : sneak ngly, aa if inclined to apologise to the Head-waiter, or PI rl RE-GALLERIES FOR THE PEOPLE. swaggering, as if they didn’t care particularly about dining, but Picture idiotarum libri sunt ; but there are idiots and idiots—the had just looked in. Conversation is conducted in a low and | simply illiterate and the imbecile. The latter have been provided decorous tone with an abundance of pictures, which, adapted to their capacities, The Diffident Diner (to Neighbour, politely). Might I trouble you | serve them instead of books ; namely, the numberless pictorial adver- for the—ah—Mennu ? ; tisements on the walls and hoardings which they can run and read. The Neighbour. Eh ? Most of these posters are calculated merely to catch the idiots’ pence, The D. D. Would you kindly pass the—er—(changes his mind | but many appeal to their propensities, particularly cartoons repre- about the pronunciation)—May-nu ? senting scenes from revolting stories and execrable dramas. (o The Neighbour (blankly). I'm not seein’ ony of it aboot here. where they will, creatures of vile impulses and weak intellect ar The D. D. | was only asking you if you could reach the—(decides | gratified by figures, chiefly female, falling stabbed or shot, or th: | to alter it once more)—M’noo ? | victims of savage and brutal assaults and outrages, sprawling on th The Neighbour. Will 1 rax ye the hichat ? | ground. om The D. D. (meekly). The Bill of Fare, please. Is it really true that the works of High Art collected in National The Old Maid (to Elderly Bachelor), And what have you been | Galleries, and other pictorial Exhibitions of the better class, exercix doing to-day an elevating influence on the minds of the people who contemplat« The Elderly Bachelor, Well, 1 took the train to Tay—Tay some-|them? Because, then it may reasonably be supposed to follow that thing or other—and on by coach through Glen—Glen—(gires it up)— | degrading influence is exerted by illustrations of robbery with foozle-um, to Loch—bless my soul, I shall forget my own name next! | violence, and ferocious homicide, upon beholders of the baser sort. and by the Falls of Glare? falls of Bower? (I can’t remember all | Idiots of that description need give themselves no trouble whatever to their conf yunded names ! " and back by tue Pass at the other end of | go and see those aa productions of the pot-boiler’s aint-brush, the ioch, y’ know. ; the puffs of abominable novels and atrocious plays. he peculiar The O. M. A charming trip! I’m quite longing to do it myself! | picture-galleries established to attract the multitude, stare them | Provincial Paterfamilias (across the table, to Friend). Oh, yes, | everywhere in the face—exhibitions on view from morning to night I’ve got all my youngsters here ; they like the knocking about from | every day of the week, and all of them open on Sundays, when the | coach to steamer and that. I dunno that they notice the scenery others credited with improving the minds and cultivating the taste much, but (tolerantly) it does em no ’arm ! of the masses, are mostly closed. Supplied as the idiots are with 4 | A Pretty Sister (to Plain Ditto). Jexny, don’t look that way—| profusion of pictures which cannot fail to afford them diabolical there ’s that man who sat next to us at Oban, don’t you remember ? | suggestions, what wonder when some of them are occasioned t I don’t want to have to bow to him ! reduce those h rrible imaginings to practice ? The Plain Sister. Why, Fiornie, I thought you rather liked him! | I’m sure you talked ever so much to nim that evening. The Pretty S. I know ; but I shouldn’t have if I’d known he was| To rue Crry or Lowpon (aFrer THE RECENT AccrpENT).—“ 5 | re to turn up again in this ridiculous way. Monumentum requiris, circumspice!” Free translation—* If you The Grumbler (who dines early when he is at home—generally on ' still want the Monument, look out!” —— y bOrt Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawine or Pictures of apy desciipticn, will wm no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed En ope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. ‘a —— iia tinedies PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octoper 13, 1888, They put it down as ‘‘ Whiting,” and “‘ Fillet of Sole,” and all that | you'll never guess what they brought me—treacle, Sir—as I'm q | -_— ee kn se . = ean

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PUNCH, OR THE et a 13, 1888. ‘Ladies Write for Patterns, and save 25 to 40 per cent, by purchasing direct from the Darlington Mills, Exquisite Dress ALL IN THE LATEST FASHION FOR LADIES, CHILDREN, AND GENTLEMEN. STRAIGHT from the WEAVER to the WEARER, Fresh from the Darlington Looms at Loom Prices, “1000 PATTERNS | Sent Pree by Post, on Approval, | to any address. ladies have only to see the Patterns of | Heyer Pease & Co.'s Successors’ Exqui- tie Specialities to be convinced of their thorough value. Darlington COSTUME CLOTHS and NEW SKIRTINGS, together with the celebrated cucu a, CROSS-WARP SERGES, told Medal MERINOES, and CASHMERES, | ARE ALL HIGH-CLASS FABRICS, rmnowned for their lish @ poaeese, thorugh money value) and nen wearing quali THE LATEST NOVELTY :— DARLINGTON ROYAL a “AMAZON ” COSTUME CLOTH, Spectadly Dyed nd Finished for Autumn ond inter ben agenda Goods we Sola tervention of Wholesale Merchants ‘Drapern mye: Wddie- Men, all intermedia . given to the Parcnalalt ft ixpenny Tel egram to “* Svucorssozss— 48LINGtos,” will bring the Box of Patterns by next Post, and all rders are executed SENBY te samme day o's BUC CO.’S SUCCESSORS He j their Wools direct from the Buglish Parmer. After careful sorting and clean s- ze te wool ig spun into yarn, and the ow woven into the various charming mo for which the firm have been nowned since their establishment in 1752 Stine pree ess of manufacture being on in their own Mills at ling to: @™yployimg more than 1008 bee ” HY, PEASE & €6,’S SUCCRS., THE wir AND MaWURACTURERS, THE MILLS, DARLINGTON. co nee ~~ A fae fet en ee ee BEST NEAVE’S FOOD FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE ACED, CHEAPEST. SAMUEL BROTHERS, + ad School Outéits. Messrs SAMUEL LROTHERS have ready for immediate use a very large assor(ment of Kors’ , Spon application, Pat- Trans of Mare- Btiatce for wear artments, v Price | iste. &e. Messrs. San- SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTERS, és, 66 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpow, E.C, & BOWSER’S | CELEBRATED BUTTER-SCOTCH. ‘REALLY WHOLESOME CONFECTIONERY.” MADE WITH BOILING WATER, ePPS8’S CRATEFUL— COMFORTING, COCOA MADE WITH BOILING MILK. ubebs, Stramo nium, “and Gr nab. 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Large numbers of people i robust health can testify to the Strath of this assertion, having regulated them- selves -* by these Pills for over 50 years, One Pill will invariably relleve, and a little perseverance radically care, either a Torpid Liver, Costiveness, Indi- gestion, Pains in the Back or Head, nfluenza or Feverish Cold, Rheumatism. Lum pa Vistatoney or Giddiness. THEY RESTORE BRIGH TNESS TO THE EYE, CLEARNESS TO THE Sonat SHARPNESS TO THE INTELLECT, AND ENERGY TO BOTH MIND AND hopY. To Ladies they are invaluable. Sold every- where, in boxes, Is. ltd. and 2s. Od. Wholesale Agents, WILCOX & CO., 239, Oxford Street, London. Post-free. USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES, COLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, (878. KINAHAN’S rx: pmax a7 LL Fair. WHISKY. THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1885, ®, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET, LONDON, W BURCOYNE’S Clustralien WINES. TINTARA, BRANXTON BURGUNDY, HIGHERCOMBE, J. EXSHAW & 00:5 im Cases as inpor 7. 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In es yh of jepations s of LEA & FERRER SAUCE, which are calculated aA. the Public Lea é Pesaine beg to draw attention lo the fact ¢ hat h bottle of the Original and Genuin WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE their signature, thus — Lea Leen . * fold Whe se by the Proprietor, r er ause Miscew eit, London; and apo P ee Retail by Dealers in » Chroughon ut the World TUBES..~ sect. saa icine or White Pnemeil ned Purposes; Galvanised o In stock to 6 in. diameter, Cocks, Va ‘ Joun *rences, Globe Tube Works, We and 4, Ot, ®t » Thomas Apes tle, ie, Londo a = BEST FOOD FOR HOWARD BEDFORD INFANTS. In Tins, 1s., 2s., 5s. and 10s. each. THROAT IFPRITATION co COLDS, BRONCHIT!S,ASTHMA AND CATARRAHAL AFFECTION IHARROWS. PLAYER'S GOL LEAF NAVY CUT The Perfection of Tobacco. [EERINGS = Nh ACEN COLD MEDAT CHERRY BRANDY ' ; , } i tol ( f

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON SSSRaERRSSRRSERERS The GOLD MEDAL of the International Health Exhibition, London, has been awarded for this Food; and it is recommended by the LANCET and the entire Medical Press. CHILDREN, and INVALIDS. -~ ‘Salt Regal is a gratefal cup at all times. Refreshing Agreeable — Recuperative Health-giving — Health-preserving — Quite distinct from all other Saits and Saline Preparations. An entirely New Saline.” Protected by E.M. Over Fifty Paten's, Letters Patent Trade Marks. SALT REGAL Instantly destroys impurities in the system, and fortifies the body against the attacks of disease. SALT REGAL ie not « copy of or an Imitation of any previously ezisting Saline preparation, or Sait, but an entirely new inven to science have been « SALT KEGAL will cleaner the Mout « h at one operation dispersing Bice Hex dache like a charm speedily eradicating Piatulence, ¥ shoes, Acidity, and ali kindred troubies, roas tone of « SALT RtGAL chang veme ce, and develops an antise thus posecesing « distine( individusiity. Messrs. Fultz & Co. will jay ham somely for sati.fartory ev derce of infringement of Marks SALT RBGAL is not only ot weather, but for all seasons, ai) In botties hermetically sealed , Of all Chemists aod Medicine Vem ors throughout the World. Patentees and tole Proprietors: FRITZ & CO., GALT REGAL WORKS, FLEET STRERT, LIVERPOOL. SATU RD A'Y. Hen &F Hanburys’ Castor Oil Tasteless. Pure. Active, Soild everywhere at 6d., 1/, /9 & 3/. every PIPE-CLAY SUPERSEDED. ICKERING’S = BLANCO. Yor wh'tering all articles cf Buff or Buckskin Leather, such as Military Equipmests, White Helmets, Gloves, is Sa tense aie Shoes, Tennis cating” and & multiteds of Paste s erciles. es stains ani discolcraticns, and ersures evenness of colour, and « soft, silky sur‘ace of glossy satin-like appearance Much better and more convenient than pipe-clay, as 2 there is no trouble of preperation, and it is much cheaper in the end. Buasco is put up in cup-shaped blocks (registered design), and with ¢ the specially made non-corrosive zinc box, it wil! be found the handiest article for the purposes named. Sold at Canteens, also by Ironmongers, Sad- diers, Brushmakers, &c. Packed in non corrosive sinc Ue, via ii i ' Boxes, 6d. each ; blocks to re-fill, 1d. each. ph Rn A mihi MUSAB Hid/nil og enatnctaTITe, “THE SHAVER’S DELIGHT.” Lenten Oe: 8 SEORGE'S HOUSE, EASTCHEAP. EC 12 MONTHS’ LUXURY FOR 12 PENCE. (A Shilling Shaving Stick lasts a Year) CADBURY = ABSOLUTELY PURE COCOA a ee PYUBLIBSHED phim lah eet doy pe Qe

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AUT KS AUTOGRAPH EDITION OF . * BRADDON'S NOVELS Miss Prices ts, 44., doth git, BRADDON’S NOVELS. The whole of the Novels always ready Loodon: Seuram, Mane $,°° Ail sta 4 keellers and Libraries HEAP EDITION yr MI88 BRADDON'S Price ds. pit ome fe, 08 loth gilt LIE and UNLIKE: a Novel. ny TF Author of Ledy Audiey's Secret,” 7 5 nitke « by for the most effective of Mie aidon e stories Tas Times Srmracw, Manone a’ MISS BRADDON’S ANNUAL. THE MISLETOE BOUCH. PRICR ONE SHILIANG es'reted with Forty Original Drawings he largest, the best, and the most popular Anne of Lat Age onjon: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, & CO _mude: REEVES: His Life. by Hi Himeef y. ate brevies and Book stalia, gms REEVES; ‘His Life. vo , 4 evo Os. 64 I mn: Somraew, Manone, & and Loewner M Poacewnume Courant (limited), eat Ma ough treet Now Ready aw REEVES: His Life. One vol lemy 6v0, Me. 64, lostow Mr Poetemme Compan? 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A single musica! instrument of any kind at wholesale price, and carriage paid Tas ®rarren Manvvactunixne Comrary (A Department), 1, Moorgate Street, London. LONDON DEPOT: HAYDEN & CO., 10, Warwick Square, E.C. Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DRAPER, Ltd., Dudlis. », for his New Medical Work entitled “ Harness’ Guide te Mealth,” which will be sent pos free to any eddress on The treatise contains full of the treatment of the Pa Sees & heir to. ye from the thousands of testimonials wd in fwor of Harness’ Electro- pathte Belt and curative jances, P.sase Mewriow Tus Pare. MAC. Be HARNESS vuakt cr’ narge (pers tter) om all matters relating to bealth and the application of Curative Elec tricity. Note ONLY ADDRESS, and write to-day, the Colonies or if possible. 52. OXFORD ST. Loncon, W. COLT’S FIREARMS Co 9 (Corner of Rathbone Place.) S. & H. HARRISS HARNESS COMPOSITION | BONITE BLACEING W aremrnoor). ¥ atearaoor). 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Ocroner 20, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 181 ———————————— ———— THROUGH HIS PACES. Small Talk from Scotland Yard. Chief Commussioner (blandly). So you want to enter the Detective Department. Well, what are your qualifications. (Briskly, as if springing a mine on him.) What can you do? [Eyes him attentively. Candidate (taken aback). Well, I can do almost anything. (Considering.) Leastways—anything that ain’t much out of the common. (Tentatively.) I can ventriloquise a bit. Chief Commissioner (impressed). Ha! What can you imitate ? Candidate. Well, I can do a man’s voice up a chimbley, and cocks and pene, and a cove a-sawing of obo — with increasing confidence) an can eaendrens: do Jor in the r, a Chief Commissioner (encouragingly). 1 see—a character part ; and I suppose you have some experience at Private Theatricals ? Candidate {Feeling he is getting on). Bless you, yes, Sir, I should rather think I had. I’ve played Boz, the Armed Head in Macheth, and the Third Officer in the Lady of Lyons, and (generalising vaguely) a lot more of that kind. I’m a splendid hand at “ making up,” I am. Chief Commissioner. And could no doubt undertake a Variety Entertainment. You know what I mean, don’t you? You bob down behind a table every minute, change your costume, and come up as somebody else. You think you could embody various characters ? Canditate (reflectively). Well, Sir, I think I could,—most of ’em. Anyhow I'd try. ‘hief Commassioner. Just so. (Pauses a minute—then suddenly, as if just struck with the idea.) By the way, are you accustomed to the management of bloodhounds ? Candidate (hesitating). Well, I can’t say as how I’ve ever had much to do with them. But (with confidence), 1 knows all about beagles. But, bless you, Sir (smiling as if at the Commissioner’s fears), I ain’t afraid of the ’ounds. I’m very fond of dogs, and should soon get into their ways. Chief Commissioner. Quite so. (Summing up.) Well, I don’t think there’s anything else. (Struck by an afterthought.) Wait a moment, though, I forgot You are able to march? Know your drill, eh ? Candidate. Yes, Sir. Chief Commissioner. Have served in the Force ? Candidate. Yes, Sir. Chief Commissioner. Are well known to all the Constables ? Candidate. Yes, Sir. Chief Commissioner. And (coming anxiously to the point) to all the thieves, pickpockets, and burglars ? Candidate (with alacrity). To every man Jack of ’em, Sir. Chief Commissioner (eagerly). Are you sure ? Candidate (triumphantly). Cock sure, Sir. _Chief Commissioner (with enthusiasm). Then that settles it, You’ll do. [Passes him, rejoicing, into Detective Department, as scene closes. 7 Al t \\ 4 y ‘7 ‘) VOCES POPULI. AT SOME HIGHLAND SPORTS. Scene—A Gilen in the North. On a rock above, the non-payin Public are perched, as a Poet present remarks, “‘ like ie. derde, , Below, an enclosure surrounded by rough seats, Local Magnates in waggonettes and dog-carts, §c. On a platform a Piper is seen strutting round, performing, with infinite satisfaction to himself, upon his instrument, tohile a Jury of three take notes solemnly in a tent. In an adjoining field a small party are playing football, with an ostentatious unconsciousness of any rival attraction, that is possibly due to some private pique. The Piper ceases with the weird suddenness with which he began, and marches vf ; a Rival Piper, in the dead silence that ensues, calls out, ‘*Very well played, Lacntaw Mackinnon!” At which Mr. Mackinnon seems to be inwardly confounding his friend's impudence. Another Piper mounts the platform, and performs apparently the same air. ther Pipers criticise, and compare notes, First Piper. Joux Macrmatrson played that ‘* Shaoil a Bhidh” ferry well, but he was mekking one or two slips. He went wrong here and there—he did that. Second Piper. Aye, he didna bring out the drone eno’, to my thinking. Hoo d’ye play the ‘* Masther o’ Mar o’ Shean,” Kennetu ACRAE ? Oo, ah, I must be thinking. (After a silence.) _. First P, I begin it this way (hums in Second Piper’s ear, confidentially): ‘* Dum- VOL, XCV. dee-ee-eee-ah-ee; ah-o0, di-doo, di-de-ee.” That is how J play ** The Masther,” Anevs. _ Second P, 1 do not tek it the same way—this is mine. (Buzzes in First Piper’s ear.) ‘* Dee-ee, eeee, ee-ah, a-a-ah, di-doo,” First P. (after giving the buzz careful consideration). Yes, that iss a good way, but I wass thinking there will be more of the music in mine. Third P. At Tobbermorry I gained first prize—I do not care who hears me—though it was only the second medal I wass getting whateffer ! Fourth P. It iss true—I was quite ashamed of the chudging myself. Third P. Mirover, they told meI was to play anything but ** Gnaillibh a chéile,”’ my favourite tune. Fourth P. It is ill p bas or me when the Pipers will no be playing all the sem tune. A Chronic Cockne got your great man 4 now . Piper (who considers himself second to none on his instrument). And who wass he ? The C. C. Why, Saamus McRawwocu—they tell me he got all the medals at Inverness last year. Piper (loftily). Did Saamus pls the pipes? I wass not hearing of it; he puts the stone, yes, a ithe —and the caber, he can toss the caber, too; but I wass not effer hearing that he played the pipes. The C. C. D’ yer know ’00’s winnin’ now among you pipers, eh ? | suppose they give the medal to the feller who kills the most old cows. Shouldn’t care about being on the Jury myself, yer know. I'd rather be set down to class the tom-cats in my back-garden at ’ome. Piper (politely). You will be understanding more about the tom- cats and such things. The C. C. I’ve ’eard, though, that the sound of the bag-pipes will call a dead ’Ighlander back to life—either that or the smell of whiskey —whusky, you call it, you know. But, between you and me now, ren don’t call that beastly row you make music, do yer—honour right now? (Finds the Piper has turned away; the ©. C. tells a friend that he has “‘ Just’ad a very pleasant conversation with one of these fellows—very intelligent chap—I like going among the natives yer know, and gettin’ to understand them and that.”’) The Sports proceed ; the Hammer is hurled, and on one occasion causes infinite amusement to the “‘ Sea-birds,” by just missing one of the Judges. The Spectators nearest the Enclosure show a less heen sense of humour, The Caber = rough fir-trunk, 21 feet long—is tossed, that is, is lifted by six men, set on end, and placed in the hands of the Athlete, who, after —— y at it doubt- Sully for a time, poises it, raises it a foot or two, and runs several yards with it, after which he jerks it forward by a mighty effort so as to pitch on the thicker end, and fall over in the direction Surthest from him. A Lady Spectator (disappointedly, after a Competitor has at length sibtecded tn accomplishing this difficult feat), Don’t they toss it any further than that ? A Native. Oh, aye, Mem. more myself. The Lady. Have you, indeed—and where was that ? Native (modestly), Over a cliff—from the top right down to the bottom. The ‘‘ Egg and Spoon race’’—a contest peculiarly characteristic of the Hardy North—is about to be run; the Competitors assemble in line, each dauntless youth holding a spoon in which an egg reposes, Simple Little Wife. them drops the egg ? : Lit ; Alfred (readily), Oh, he has to sit down and eat it instantly with the spoon. ; , : Simple Little W. How curious these old Highland customs are ! The Athletic part of the Sports are over by about 4°30 p.m., and the reels and sword-dances begin. Four reels have been danced, and siz sword-dances. Mrs. Campbell, of Loch Gorrie (to Mr, Sentennonn, who, finding that it is nearly siz, and there are eight more people waiting to dance the sword-dance in turn—is retreating quietly). You really ought not to miss the Highland Fling—it comes next on the programme. Mr. Senterbord (departing). Oh, I won’t—I'll drop in to-morrow, after the Regatta. Dancing continues; fourteen separate sword-dances and fifteen entries for the Fling. Local Magnates, who are not compelled Ly their position to remain, drive off yawning, and commending the quality of the bag-pipe playing. Magnates whose Pipers have won a medal receive congratulations rmyry | from London friends. Outside the grounds, other fine old Highland Sports Putting the Cocoa-Nut,” ** Glass bottle and Steamed Egq stalking,” and ** Trying the Weight,” are now in full swing. Highlander s *‘ left Sporting.” (patronising one of the Pipers). So you’aven't own ’ere this time—the Champion Piper, you I hef tossed it three hundred feet and ’ Sut tell me, ALrrep, what happens if one of RK

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ene PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Octoper 20, 1888, | AGRICULTURE’S LATEST ROLE. (A Busi Bailad. with a Borrowed Refrain, Dedicated to the British Dairy Farmers’ Association.) ‘WHERE are you going to, my pretty Maid+” | The old business of Ceres seems going to smash. A Dairymaid’s dress suits me sweetly, I wis. Butter, and e998, anda pound aden ‘ ( Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese ! Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese. } ‘“*1’m going a-milking, Sir;” she said; Free Trade and the Yankee have finished her Just twig my short petticoats look at m pail Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese !) clean. The heal are all ready a Milkmaid to ail! ‘* For times are bad, and the farm don’t pay. From furrow and sheaf there seems little to I mean making prettiness pay,—shall I fail ? Tis Pasture v. Arable, so men say, glean, (Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese :) If still I'd be prosperous this is the way. From ploughed land to pasture I’m changing « you've been to the Dairy Show, Sir, have Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese ! the scene. you not ? ’ I’m tired of corn-yrowing that brings little (Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese ’) cash, ‘T hope you’ll allow I look fetching like this, Those churners competitive were a sweet lot. n Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese !) (Butter, and eggs, and a pound of chees Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese.)

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Octoser 20, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Le SK 1% 2 XS \\ \Y SSS Ar . rs, Tha IS DETECTION A FAILURE P In the interests of the Gutter Gazette and of the Criminal Classes, the Sensational Interviewer dogs the Detective’s footsteps, and throws the strong light of publicity on his work. Under these circumstances, it is not surprising that Detection should prove a failure, Miss Hotmes, and Miss Keer, and Miss Barron, who won, | Seemed not a bit fagged when the business was done. I’m sure Butter-making /ooks capital fun. (Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese / ‘* Then Cheese! Good old Cheshire and Cheddar, I hope (Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese ! With Gruyére and Camembert shortly will cope, ( Butter, and _ 3, and a pound of cheese / Why, why shou d the foreigner be all the go ? No, Cheshire and Wiltshire will struggle, I know ; I’ll back them to beat Gorconzora & Co, ! Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese . ’ ** In addition to these, there be poultry and eggs ; _ (Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese ! | will set Agriculture again on her legs ; (Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese ! Sut ‘‘ Milk from the Cow” is the thing that will pay (Ask the Marquis of Brisror, and Earl Gattoway), And that’s why I’m going a-milking to-day.” (Butter, and eggs, and a pound of cheese /) Sonos witout Worps.—From The Musical World (whose critic by the way politely observes that it would be ‘‘ ungracious to quarrel” with the Savoy /ibrettist for calling his plot ‘‘ new and original” after ing its essence from Maritana,—but would it have been ‘‘ un- gracious to quarrel” with Sutsert had the Opera been by two writers called SuLBERT and GILLIVAN ?) we learn that SuLLivan’s Mikado is now being performed daily at a Danish Circus at Stockholm. ‘* No words wt wap hi but it is ‘‘ acted and danced.”” Of course it is un- Precedentedly successful. Why not try this plan on alternate nights with the Beefeater’s Bride; or iv. S. Merryman and his Merrytana? The arrangement would draw enormous houses, con- sisting of those who, having once heard the words and music together, would like to hear again and again Sir ArTuvr’s charming melodies alone, and see the pretty dresses and the mise en scene. PLAY-TIME IN THREE PLACES. sevorE this appears, M. Mayer will have commenced his season of French plays at the Royalty Theatre. Those who know Hatkvy's delightful book L’ Abbé Constantin, will be curious to see what kind of a play it makes. Certainly, if closely adapted, and if the actors enter into the spirit of the original work, it should be an exception to the majority of French pieces, which are forbidden fruit to the ‘young person,” and can only be thoroughly enjoyed by those who can honestly adopt Coartes Lamn’s view of the Comic dramatists and the actors of the Restoration. M. Hatfévy has done much to atone for the brutal materialism of Zola-esque literature with his perfectly pure and thoroughly natural characters in the story of L’ Abbé Constantin. The best specimen of M. Hatfvy’s cynical humour is his M. et Mme. Cardinal. In his tenderness, his human sympathies, his searching analysis of character, his sarcasm, and his cynicism, M. Hatfvy seems to me to approach nearer to THackeRAY than any other French author I can call tomind. He has the advantage over THackeERaY in being also a dramatic author, though I think his most successful pieces have been in collaboration with M. Meremac and others, as it usually takes from two to five French authors to make a play of any sort, even an ordinary farce, In this instance, M. Lupovic Havévy's story has been dramatised by MM. Crémrevx et P. DecourceLyes. ‘* The Jodrell (late Novelty) Theatre” was announced to open this evening. The Jodrell (late Novelty) is not a good title for a Theatre When a Novelty is late, it is no longer a novelty. This theatre ought soon to be in vogue as curiosity may at first be aroused by some one at a dinner-party inquiring de friend across the table, ‘‘ Are you going to The Jodrell to-night?” or ‘‘Come to The Jodrell!” or ** Shall we Jodrell together this evening?” Jodrell is a good word, and may be used as a verb, as the Germans use “‘ jédel.” Fancy a theatre called after the excellent Earlof Suarrespuny! A new meeting-house, a novel Exeter Hall, yes;—butatheatre! I should as readily have imagined a French Theatre called after Bossver, or an English one after Jeremy Cotter. But as some one has some- where said before, and more than once, I believe, ‘‘ What’s in a Jack ts THE Box, name?”

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. At a time when more or less nonsense is talked and written about the status of the Actor,—recently rather Moore than less, —Mr. Frrz- GERALD Motioy’s Life and Adventures “se of Edmund Kean will interest a large . number of readers on and off the stage. I should be inclined to say that Epmunp Kean was the greatest histrionic genius the English Stage ever saw, not except- @ ing Davin Garrick. There seems to 4 | have been no single department of his | art in which he did not excel. He had a strong sense of humour (in which the Kempies were deficient), he could execute acrobatic feats, was an excellent mimic, could play pantomime, could burlesque tragedy, could sing, play, ; dance, fence, excite laughter, inspire terror, draw tears, and extort enthusi- astic applause from most unsympathetic and occasionally antagonistic audiences. He conquered all along the line. As for ‘‘social status,” he could have been \ whatever he liked to be, a peer among ~~) * peers, had that been his desire; but he - was what he chose to be, and what at last he despised himself for being. ‘Social Status,” forsooth! What is ‘‘ Status”? The answer will be found in Whitaker's Almanack, where you will learn the status of everybody, from the highest rank down to a cab-rank. * *Tis in ousethves that we are thus and thus.” Conventionality is the sworn foe of genius. Real genius cannot rest satisfied with humdrum middle-class respectability. Poor Kean! A staunch loyal friend, a wilful man of erous impulses, lavish with boon companions, but mean where love and duty demanded generosity, the self-indulgent victim of a designing woman and her highly respectable husband, pelted, hooted, broken by disease and intem- perance,—what a finich to a brilliant career ! Mr. FrrzoeraLp Motor is an impartial biographer, neither use- lessly blaming, nor needlessly cevalicing, but writing with charit- ible sympathy for the human errors of the man, and with honest scorn for the Pecksniffian Pharisee, who cannot understand genius, and is quite as unable to imagine, as he is unwilling to make allow- ances for, the dangers which beset the path of any public favourite, especially that of an extraordinary histrionic genius. ‘‘ Alas, poor King of shreds and patches!” Baron pe Book Worms. | 184 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Ocropmr 20, 1888. DUE NORTH. Excursion to a Waterfall—The Wicked Uncle's Strange Story. Next Morning.—Rain, and occasionally half-hours with the best sunshine. Good Aunt and young ladies have driven off to pay a few neighbourly calls within a radius of fifteen miles or so, do a little shopping,—no matter how bare the village, where there are ladies there is always shopping—and lunch out. Wicked Uncle feeling a bit rheumatic, says that as I am not accompanying the shooters, he will show me a beautiful Waterfall, not a very great distance off. It is so damp and cold that I propose taking the least drop possible of whiskey before we start. Wicked Uncle negatives the proposal with prompt decision. I agree with him, and totally abstain. We start, carrying macintoshes and umbrellas. From talking about sport we get to scenery: from seenery to the extent of the Laird’s property : trom this to a comparison with other big properties: and finally, ry a very easy and natural transition, we arrive atthe vast estates of | which the Wicked Unele would now be the proud ssor, as | | understand him, but for the machinations of the Machiavelli in | petticoats, whom I have heard *‘ D. B.” irreverently term ‘‘ Mary Queen of Squats.” For this unfortunate sovereign the Wicked Unele cannot find epithets sufficiently insulting. Hitherto I have imagined myself pretty well posted up in the history of this ill-used lady, whom I have always championed as a victim, if not a martyr. But the Wicked Uncle throws an entirely new side-light on MAry’s | character. He speaks with the conviction of a contemporary who had known her personally, and who had suffered a t wrong at her hands, which he is in a position to prove up to the hilt. It is curious too, that in his narrative he brings in scarcely one well-known his- | torical name. I listen with momentarily increasing interest to the commencement of his story when the Wicked Uncle suddenly stops near a small inn, and observes that he is not quite sure if there isn’t a shorter cut to the Waterfall than the road we are taking. He will = —_ within.” We enter. “* Mornin’,” he says, addressing a very youthful bar-maiden, who smilingly returns, ‘‘Good morning, Mr. Fraser,” and immediately | urs out a small measure of whiskey, empties it into a tumbler, and a wh the water towards the Wic ed. Unele. * Will you?” he asks, hesitatingly. It is my turn to decline with thanks. He drinks it off, observes that this will make him feel a little less chilly, and adds that he was wrong to have refused it at starting. Then as he is leaving I remind him that he hasn’t asked the shortest way to the Waterfall. ; ia **Oh,” he replies, ‘I think I remember it. aS And as we resume our walk, I ask him to go on with his narrative, in which I am already deeply interested, not so much on his behalf, as for the sake of the good name and reputation of Mary Queen of Squats. , ‘ “at My ancestor,” the Wicked Uncle recommences in a gloomily-con- y ’ - : a j fidential manner, his countenance flushing slightly with the air and exercise; “‘my ancestor was Sir Werpre Fraser, of Kantork, the Master of the Sentences in the Scotch Chancellerie, you know—he was the FRASER, you may remember, who threw himself across the doormat, and declared that if they wanted to get at the Queen, it must be over his body—you recollect, of course——” I have a vague recollection of some incident of this sort, and so reply, ‘* Yes, yes,” and he continues, ‘‘ Well, he was the descendant of Werovre of the Whirlpool.” ‘* Why Whirlpool ?” I ask. , : ‘“* Because,” answers the Wicked Uncle, somewhat testily, as if annoyed at my ignorance, “‘he lived in a castle where no one could get at him without crossing a whirlpool ”’—(I am satisfied)—"‘ and he | refused to pay the Queen a road collop.” is I do not like to irritate him by inquiring what a ‘‘ road collop” may be, and so nod my head as a sign of intelligent assent which seems to relieve his mind of some considerable | as he quickens his step, and proceeds with his narrative in a more cheerful tone. **A road collop, to which she was no more entitled than you are, So from that minute she hated him. Many never forgave, you know ”—(I was not aware of this, but I think it safer not to dispute the assertion)—‘‘ and she was determined to take it out of him some- how ; and, by Jove, she did. And,” he adds, bitterly, “* our family lost about a hundred thousand pounds by it.” | baal ‘How ?” I ask, stopping to put on my macintosh, as the rain is beginning again. F How !” returns the Wicked Uncle, sarcastically ; and then, suddenly changing his tone, he says, ‘‘ It’s such a nuisance walking in macintoshes. We'd better take shelter in here.” And I follow him up a narrow path to a small cottage, over which there is a | board with the intimation that Mrs. M‘Crean is licensed to sell spirits. ‘‘ Mornin’, Ma’am,” says the Uncle, politely. ‘ ‘*It’s a wee bit moist,’ observes the dame, returning his saluta- tion, and forthwith produces a whiskey-bottle, two glasses, and a jug of water. I sip mine. The Uncle, complaining of rheumatism | in the left arm, which he can scarcely lift, he says, and which is | evidently quite different to the other, which he can lift easily, dis- poses of his “‘ wee drappit” at a draught; and, as I walk to the | window to watch the weather, I fancy he repeats the dose. The | rain ceases, and once more we are on our road. ** Are we near the Waterfall ?”’ I ask him. ‘The Waterfowl ?” he asks; and for the moment he appears quite oblivious of the main object of our walk. Then, as 1 suddenly | recalling it, he answers somewhat indistinctly, ‘‘Oh, yes,—we 're | quite near now,—there’s a short cut somewhere off this road.” “Good,” I return, not feeling such perfect confidence in the Wicked Uncle’s topographical knowledge as I did at starting. ‘“* And now, what had Mary Queen of Scots to do with your losing | the property ?”’ : Be He walks a little slower, and regards me a as if failing to | comprehend the exact bearing of my question. I repeat it, and | remind him at the same time at what point of his story he had | arrived. ‘* Ah!” he says, ‘‘ Yes! ’—asif the whole narrative were once more | coming back to him more vividly than ever. Then he mutters vin- dictively, ‘*‘ Many was a bad ’un,—a regular right down bad ‘un. “But,” I ask, being unwilling to contradict him until I have heard what ground he has for the assertion, ‘‘ what did she do to Wepre of the Whirlpool ?” ; ‘ “What!” he exclaims, hotly. ‘‘ She fascinated him. He fell in love with her, deserted his wife and children, made over all his estates to her. She gammoned him into a marriage. They were privately married in Scoop Castle——” , f ‘Oh, my dear fellow!” I cannot help protesting, “‘ what proo ean there be of this ?”’ ‘* Proof!” he exclaims, stopping still. ‘Proofs! We have the documents in our family. There are whole roomfals of old papers. When the wretched creature had got all she wanted out of him, ei was afraid of his betraying her, and so she had the poor devil stab ‘i in several places at once, and when he was on his death-bed some 0M! abbot or monk wrote down the story as it came from the dying mat * lips, when the whole truth came out.” ‘ : ‘“ What became of the document ?” I ask, intensely interested. Se eaeattel

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Ocropgr 20, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “We've got it somewhere. I remember my father and grand- father about it. It’s in an old house to our family ——” ge Ch ee is stick as i i apont. “The Wi ’s up there,” and indicates a pa thre b tho FRR SS hostelrie which calls itself ‘‘ The A tidy landlady at the door. “ Mornin’, Mrs. Brarrnwarre!” says the Wicked Uncle. ’ “ We’ ve still got.some of that old whiskey you used to be so fond of, Sir,” says y; by way of reply. “Have you?” he returns. ‘‘ Ah—well,” he says, looking at me, “we must taste that. It’s no use to get to the Waterfall to- day, he says, looking at his 1; “‘Must back t’ Lunch,” and he takes the nip with real relish. We bid the tidy land. good-bye. When we are about a hundred yards down the the U nele diecovells that he has left his umbrella behind. He won’t be a minute; only just back to Mrs. Brarrnwaire’s. In something under a quarter of an hour he returns. He seems to walk with some difficulty. This he attributes to rheumatism. On our way home he is less communicative than he was. He seems to 4 oy having confided to me his family grievance. I ask hi why he doesn’t publish the family documents? I remind him of the existence of the Old Manuscripts ission, and point out how valuable these documents in the possession of his family would be. Think,” I say to him, “‘ of the new light these papers would throw on the controversy as to the truth about Mary Queen of Scots.” But the Wicked Uncle preserves a dogged silence. Once he mutters bitterly, ‘‘ What ’s—doose—use—now’” After a time he uses strong language about Mary Queen of Scots, then he relapses into aa at Bone rol ewes pa, ther seems to be carefully watching or in his sleep. We walk pag our pace is delayed by the Wicked Uncle who insists on carefully his way so as to avoid the slosh and mud, in en however, he is not signall , as any effort a puddle on his right him into another on his left. On every occasion he exclaims, in the most good-natured tone possible, ‘* Bless the Queen!” a formula which he uses as a substi- tute for more forcible . Whether he is blessing Mary (Queen of Seots, or our own ious Sovereign, I haven’t an idea, but he is no longer stern and vindictive ; when I try to intro- duce afresh the subject of “* road co 4% Wenpir’s last dying h and confession, the Old Manuscript ission, and the search into his historical papers, he only stares at me with a blank expression, shuts his eyes, opens them, and says in a tone of helpless resignation, ‘* What ’s—doose—use ?”” _We reach the house. Long after luncheon time. The Wicked Uncle begs me to ‘*’scuse him a minute as must write a port’nt ler.” Neither ladies nor shooters have returned. The attentive butler has kept luncheon hot for anyone who may come in. No sign of Wicked Uncle. I finish lunch. In the library (not the bookshelves in the smoking-room where the literature is limited to the New Newgate Calendar, Illustrated, and one or two other books already specified), I find Robertson’s Scotland in ten volumes. I examine the index, and retire to our bachelors’ quarters in the Annexe with several of them. Now I will read up the subject, and refute the story I’ve heard this morning. I sit down with note-book, — ink, and paper. Light pipe. Storm. Afternoon becoming darker, Candles necessary : I am still at work on the subject (not having yet come across any mention, even in the earliest ney, of Wenropie of the Whirlpool), when I hear a loud shout, much laug ter then the watch-cry of the Lochglennie Clan, ‘‘ How are you ?” and my door is opened by D. B., who exclaims: an 7 mew are you? What have you been doing with the Wicked nele ?” ‘ Nothing,” I protest. _“‘ Why?” ‘Beeause,” says the Laird, with a quiet chuckle, “‘when the housemaid went to light the fire in the smoking-room, she found him fast asleep in the waste-paper basket. “IT know,” says D. B. to me, “he’s been telling you all about Wenore and Maky Queen of Squats, and he always finishes like that. He’s all right now. How are you?” and off they go to their ressing-rooms. I read no more of Robertson’s Scotland, and shall not write to the Secretary of the Old Manuscripts Commission. . On, wy Deak Mumuy!”—In last September's Number of The Universal Review there was an article on ‘‘ Mummer Worship,” and in the October issue there is a ful and witty poem by Sir EDWIN ARNOLD, which might be called Mummery Worship, as it is to a pair of old slippers in the ian Exhibition. ae they were Cuxoparaa’s. Cortes, Sir Epwix,, that female int was a slippery sort of person. The pictures, signed ‘‘J. B. P.,” possess more than artistic merit, as thoy onadlly illustrate the of On Parting one iota—or rather one ‘* Delta’’—from this dream IMMORTALITY INDEED! Lorp Rowatp Gower, it is said, “‘ has been at work for twelve years’’ on a statue of Suaxsprare, which has now been presented to Lika Joko’s idea of the Gower Shakspearian statue after reading the 7'imes report. lessly,” you ’ll observe—‘‘ and holding a roll of manuscript.” Now who but a born genius would ever have dreamt the town of Strat- - on - Avon. SHAKSPEARE, says the descrip- tion of it in the Times, ‘is here clever! in his right hand! not behind his ear, or in his mouth, but absolutely in his right hand, as he must have actually used it, unless he were left- handed. And to think that the renowned sculp- tor was only twelve years over this great design !! Well, well!! Wonders of genius will never cease, The descrip- tion s on ** his Toft care- lessly thrown over the back of a chair’ — how graceful ! how natural! ‘‘Care- of representing SHAKSPEARE in such an attitude, and with these properties, ‘' a pen in his right hand,” and a ‘‘roll of manuscript in his left.” What yerfect symbolism! ‘‘ Beneath him,” continues th ut there, what matters what is ‘‘ beneath him ?’ there are figures of Lady Macbeth, Falstaff, Hamlet e description ’ Suffice it that , and Prince Hal, Then there are ‘‘ comic and tragic masks” —here’s original symbolism for you! —and there are “‘ pilasterangles,” and “‘astragal entablature.”’ We wouldn’t have had it without these last not for worlds, Then there are ‘‘ emblematical plants, fruit, and flowers cast in bronze.” ‘‘The monument,” says the reporter, proudly, sented to the Shakspeare Memorial Association Gower, and its value is estimated at several th Crafty reporter! ‘‘ Estimated,” indeed! By w ‘*has been pre- by Lord Ronatp ousand pounds.”’ hom? By Lord Rowatp? At how much? “ Several thousand pounds.” Nonsense! —much under the mark—say ‘ millions.”’ But the n, why millions ? ‘‘A thing of Beauty is a joy for ever”—and is pebsens, After the luncheon, that Past Master of post-prandial ora , and himself no mean sculptor, Mr. Grorax Avaustus Sata, in his happiest vein, proposed ‘‘ The Immortal Memory of SHaxsrranre,” but not (at least according to the report), “coupled with the name of the eminent Seulptor, Lord Rowatp Gower.” As Parisians now possess a statue of the ‘' Divine Wrt1aMs,” can anything more be Englishmen forgetting Saaxsreake’ No. The Bard by Lord RowaLp Gowen, and his Immortality is at one to pre has been chiselled last assured. TO THE MAORI FOOTBALL TEAM. You've come then, brother Mao- | By Jove, this i a rum age, At us to have a shy, (ris,|_ When a New Zealand team And if we’d guard our glories, | Licks Bui at goal and scrum- We'll have to mind our eye. Our camp you seem to flurry, And stir its calm content ; You ’ve flabbergasted Surrey, mage ! It beats MacavuLay’s dream. You ’re welcome, brother Maoris, Here’s wishing you good luck! And scrumplicated Kent ! ; With you pee prees power is, Your kicking, brother Maoris, And skill, Has given us the kick ; A trifle ‘ You ’re well matched all, well) But that you’l ** on the ball,”’ {quiek. | And win, a 18 ’ portsmen And strong, and straight, and' In many a friendly bout. lote of pluck. ” Why, just so! ] mend, no doubt, trust #0, 2 eda A a ile a (oe Mites

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Pe ee $<

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Ocropsr 20, 1888. |

WISE Jongs porsyw’t Marry

WAITING HIS “TURN.” yer, the “* Café Chantant St. Arnaud,” at the wings, lequitur ALL very well, mon vieur ! Congratulations Shower upon you from the house all round. You faney this the finest of ovations, And feel a thrill of triumph, I'll be bound. But stay awhile! I dog you like grim fate ; And all things come to him whe will but wait. Bow! bow! The bowguets and “‘ Bis! bis!” seem glorious, E’en when they come from rustic hands and throats : Your we i-drilled ¢ is getting quite uproarious ; Vociferations though are not quite votes. This hurricane of bravas / wild and windy, What is it but what coarse Jomy Butt calls “ shindy.” Mere charivart, very little meaning, Cher ** Faute-de-mieuz”! A truly happy nomen, In which, though your conceit is overweening, You must, methinks, detect a fateful omen. You're but a stop-gap Star, man, after all ; And when J rise upon them, you will fall. Your Song! Mere elap-trap smooth and noisy clatter ; In a good house it searce would get a hand. And as for your stale ‘* business” and poor “* patter,” lhose who applaud them do not understand. Oh yes, bow, smirk, my Carnot, swallow praise Whilst you can get it; "tis a passing craze. ‘turn ” will come, and my new song, “‘ Rerisivn,” Will bring the house down i. a sort of style | make you a mere memory of derision ; ut your fleeting triumph I san smile. ) its fullest flush my presence stings ; ght that furtive look towards the wings! / iJ r j —=s ) fi), yy | / j a 4 Thy PAN quan \ . \ \ Wii. \ } ' \ \ |) \\Wn N IN HIS GENERATION. 80 HE SAYS) IS NOT THAT HE LACKS EITHER THE MEANS OR THE OpPORTUNITY—IT IS BECAUSE ME 18 OF AN EXTREMELY Dowgsricargep NATURE, AND Likes TO SpEND HIs Eventnes a? Homes, I am your atra cura, and you know it. Ask Fioquvet! Such tame trash invites its doom. You want a chic composer and a poet, Whose verse can make the People thrill—Bim! Boom! I know the trick of it, I’ll make them burn, Flare, flame, explode! I only wait my ‘‘ turn”! MOST UNWARRENTABLE! Tue attack on Sir Caantes Warren. Those who join in blood- | |hounding him down must be interested in renewing the scenes of riot and disorder in Trafalgar Square with which Sir CHaRrves dealt most effectively. The Police Force requires strengthening, jand Sir Cuarves is perfectly alive to the fact. What on earth can |it matter if, in number, our Police compare favourably with the Police force at Constantinople, or St. Petersbur h, or Vienna, or Jericho, if we have not sufficient Police to protect life and property in the Metropolis? The Londoner may say,— “ What care I what force there be In Jerusalum or Amerikee, If there aren't enough for me In London? ” | Socialistic sensational Journalists and rowdy demagogues would | like to see the Police Force reduced to one in every two thousand, | until they fell to fighting among themselves, when they would be | the first to yell out ‘‘ Police!” and scream for the intervention of | the enfeebled arm of the law. Nursery Rhyme for Young Italy, Oct. 12. The Pope was in the Vatican, Looking at his shoe ; Up comes the Emperor, as And says, ‘‘ How @’ye do? Tue King in the Quirinal, | Feeling very funny ; The Kaiser in a parlour, Tired after journey. | “* Savor Fare.”—Couplets a la Gilbert sauce Sullivan. N. B.—At this House of Call for the Public, the dinners are always a /a Carte.

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—E PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroper 20, 1888. WAITING HIS “TURN.” Tar “Caré Caantant St. Arwavp.” “ALL VERY WELL—' FAUTE DE MIEUX’!—BUT WAIT TILL THEY HEAR MY NEW TOPICAL SONG, ‘REVISION’ THAT’LL FETCH 'EM!!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 189 [ome 90, 1886 — METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS. | | A Suort AcT OF PARLIAMENT IS PASSED, PROVIDING THAT NO MAN SHALL BE ALLOWED TO OCCUPY THE INSIDE OF AN OMNIBUS UNTIL EVERY LADY IS SEATED. Heieno vines.” | sting out of their tales. it out.” place of late in various parts of London. try | to the effect that twelve months back, a bottle of lozenges was stolen from the shop of a chemist, and there were |other announcements startling i | Strange to say there was no reference to the disappear- ance of brains some years ago from the office of the paper in question—from the Editor’s room—brains tha’ ingly have not since been recovered. Correspondent at Vienna wrote, under the heading, ** AusTRrA-Hunoary :”— “The vintage has begun all over the Empire, but the wine will be everywhere poor in quality, and not much in quantity. There never was within living memory such a bad year for CALLING TO MIND AN OMISSION. x mw cvening. pape last week, filled several columns of list of the robberies that have taken One en was equally importance. t seem - Conundrums. No. 1.--Of what use was Vircent Howarp in the Detective Department ? No, 2.—Of what use is he anywhere ? *.” A prize will be given for a moderately satisfactory solution of either of the above conundrums. its Baccue!—In the Times, last Friday This is bad for Austria-~Hung’ry, but it’s worse for Austria-Thirsty. _ ‘Waar 1s Worn” is the title of an article on Fashion jin the Daily News. lis Worn,’” Sir Morert Mackenzie, in his ‘‘ Reply,” has performed an eminently | ‘‘ Impey Q-Niovs.” successful operation on the German ‘‘ Doctor Wasps.” ay , I can answer the question, ‘ What writes a Constant Non-subscriber, signing **My last two winters’ overcoat is He has taken the worn—very much worn. So much so, that I can’t wear THE DETECTIVE’S RESCUE. Brief Libretto of the Day, recently set to Popular Music. The Scene represents an Enchanted Hall in the Palace of the Demon of Sensation- alism. A Dismayed Detective dis- covered, hotly pursued by a miscellaneous crowd of Sensation-mongers, Prominent Members of the Criminal Classes, Sub- Editors of Daily Papers, Anonymous Correspondents, Loafers, Idlers, and others. On the Curtain rising he cowers before them, as they crowd round him, threateningly singing the following chorus— CHorvs, Miscreant! Caitiff! thus around thee Closing, glibly we confound thee ! Thou must feed the morbid hunger Of the grim Sensation-monger. Tell us then what thou art doing, What and whom art thou ursuing ? Quick! Give details! No delay ! Answer our persistent bray. DisMaYEeD DeErective. Good people, surely you'll reflect pe wn is my pd to detect. nd how can I my object gai If I my methods y ot explain? It certainly would not be wise To tell my plans,—drop my disguise. A Promivent MemMBER OF THE CRIMINAL mn Crasses (con fuoco). at! Would you the Daily Papers, That tip us your testive capers? 43 Why! how could coves like us find out, Without ’em, just what you’re about 7 An Anonymous CoRRESPONDENT. And how could I my fancies air, And help to feed the daily scare ? How pen my rubbish without stint, And see myself set up in print ’ A Svs-Eprror or A Darry Paper. And how could I material waste Which tickles so the public taste ? (Advancing on Dismayed Detective.) So tell me what you mean to do, What course you purpose to pursue. I care not how the wind I raise So that I feed the public craze! Cuorvs (threateningly) : Answer! Give the information We are craving for sensation. Quick! The details! No delay ! Answer our persistent bray. DisMaYeD” Derecrive. And they would force me to reveal The very facts I should conceal ! There’s no escape. Else would I fly! Will no one give me help ” niles nter a Chief Commissioner, Curer CoMMISSIONER. Yes, 1? Cuorvs (falling back). Sir Cuartes himself! What can he have to say 4 Curer CoMMISSIONER. I’ll sing you my official lay. Song. When tracking some terrible crime, For a moment the force seems at fault, And Justice appears for a time To be bailed. and beaten, and halt. When no clue on the surface is seen, And the trail is obscure and effaced, Do you think the Detective ’s so green | As to let. you know all he has traced ? Surely, goodness alone knows what next you llexpect! — You forget a Detective is meant to detect. Attend! So it isn’t by showing his hand, Or supplying the needs of the Press With a sketch of the scheme he has plann’d, That his efforts he ’ll crown with success ; But by keeping the threads that he’s got To himself, careful no chance to miss. Well, he tracked out the dynamite plot Ten to one he’ll make something of this! But that you'll share his confidence, pray don’t expect. Bear in mind a Detective is meant to detect ’ Cuorvs. We like not your official lay, And heed no word of what you say. Fit but, with your blockhead Force, Crowds to drive from Charing Cross. Military Martinet, We'll be even with you yet! Thus your dictum we oppose. __ (They seize the Dismayed Detective.) What you ’re up to, quick, disclose ! Cuter COMMISSIONER. Release him! (Waves truncheon,) For I summon thus a power [eower ! Beneath whose gaze a crew like you will [The Scene opens at back, and reveals the Goddess of Luke-warm Public Opinion surrounded by a halo of moderate light. She extends her wand, when all the Chorus shrink back dazed, leaving the Dismayed Detective, choeraseneacer grate ly, in the centre of the Stage. Cuonvs (shuddering as they retreat). Baffled! who will feed the hunger Of the balked Sensation-monger ? Still, whate’er the world may say, We'll keep up our blatant bray [They cower lower and lower, slinking eway, while the Goddess of Luke-warm Public Opinion ansies fotntly on the Chief Com- missioner and the Dismayed Detective as the Curtain slowly descends,

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| the Fathers, gravely. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — [Octoner 20, 188, | ANTICIPATIONS OF NEXT LORD MAYOR’S SHOW. Mell 1 STR a theo Tue Fathers of the City were seated in the Council Chamber, engaged in a deep consultation. It was within measurable distance of the Ninth of November, and consequently the Lord Mayor shortly was to proceed in state from London to Westminster. ‘* This is a more than usually interesting occasion,” observed one of ‘* It is possible that we may never have another | Lord Mayor,—leastways, not the likes of them as we have had.” ‘’Ear, ear!” murmured an Alderman of the old school, who had passed the chair. " My | returned ‘*And this being so,” continued the other, ‘‘I hope, I do hope, that the Show will be worthy of the event. For instance, I trust, I do trust, that the City Marshal will be seen a-riding in front of it all, a-mounted on horseback ?”’ ‘My objection to the Circus element has become historical,” the Lord Mayor Elect, with considerable dignity. ** And I do beg,” continued the Alderman, ignoring the interrup- tion, ‘‘ that we shall have the men-in-armour. I may say that with- out the men-in-armour the day would go for nothing. The Missus —I should say my Lady wife—and the young ‘uns hike to see the ancient knights, and without them the day would go for nothing.” ** Don’t say that,” remonstrated an Alderman, thin and smart, with a pince-nez, of the new school. ‘‘ You are forgetting the banquet. You can’t say a day which gives you a fair menu s for nothing. C” est blaque, mon cher ; or, as we used to say at the dear old Varsity, garrula lingua nocet '” Then came a chorus of the discontented. They followed one another like a chime of bells. ‘Yes, but how about the ancient knights—are we to have any men-in-armour ’’’ ** And surely we are not to be cut out of our banners ?” ** And the fire-engines—ain’t we to have any of them?” ““ And I do like to see a Life-boat. It gives such a benevolent air to it all, you know.” ‘‘ And the Rangers—them with the guns—what about them ?” “ The procession will worthily represent the dignity of the City of London, replied the Lord Mayor ‘lect, evasively. “The Lord Mayor Elect wishes the Procession to be worthy of the occasion, and the Corporation of London. ireus element and allegorical display, which accord neither with his own taste, nor, in his opinion, with the dignity of the City.”— Vide the Papers.) | have any gals in tights seated on globes as Britannia, and all that He is opposed to the introduction of “Yes, we know all that,” observed another Alderman, rather coarsely, ‘‘ and that the surplus saved out of the Show is to be given toacharity. But what is the Show to be like? Ain’t we going to sort of thing ?” **T am not very fond of the allegorical.” ‘‘Oh, gammon!” continued the critical Corporationist. ‘‘ Let the young ’uns have a chance. If it ain’t too late, why not havea giraffe or a couple of elephants from the Zoological Gardens?” _ ‘*Gentlemen,” returned the Lord Mayor Elect, with dignity, ‘* believe me, I am not unmindful of the importance of the pe of the World. I believe you will find that the Procession will uphold by its magnificence the best traditions of this great centre 0! civilisation.” And amidst some sounds of dissatisfaction, the meeting dissolved. When he was alone, the fature Chief Magistrate of the City of London knitted his brow in the profoundest thought. ; , ‘* What shall Ido?” he murmured. ‘ They are never satisfied! Have I not selected a West-End Coachmaker ? Have I not contrived a card of invitation that should provoke the admiration of the whole of the civilised world’ What more would they have? May I not give up the cumbersome Beadles, the useless Commissionnaires ? And forsooth, the Procession—the real Procession—with myself in 4 brougham, and the City Marshal on the box—is not sufficiently ornate for them! Well, I must contrive something better—some- wom that by its splendour shall catch the fancy of the ground- ings. And so late into the night and far into the early morning the Lord Mayor Elect pondered. Day was breaking when, with a shout of triumphant joy, he jumped to his feet. ; **T have it!” he exclaimed, ‘‘I have it! Splendour without vulgarity! Comfort and dignity! I have found the happy mean. A fortnight later all London was anxiously waiting the approach of the annual Procession. Itcame. But to describe it the pen fails. And that being the case (as will be seen by the sketch above) resort has been had to the Artist’s pencil.

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a Octoper 20, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Le Wi x ~ = EX SS “ Leta, ent, “NUMBER ONE!” The Squire (lo Northern Farmer). ‘‘Tuge DAY DOESN’r LOOK VERY PROMISING, HUTCHINSON. WHAT Dors YouR WEATHER-GLAsSs SAY THIS MorNING ?” Mr. H. “‘1've No Lookir at THE GLASs TO-DAY, Sim. I Gor att M¥ Hay In YesTexpay!” . al ll horrid beasts, who I can hear barking outside, would only under- CAVE CANEM! stand that I had pe ~ Se re, Capaeeins just sent pete : beet 2 Tos of Whitehe note, presenting their compliments, and calling my attention to the (4 Page from a Diary bays tn Bhs Heighbourhesd of Whitehall.) rule forbidding the ahesledin of dogs into the Glab-house. Appears 8 a.M.—Up early to visit Hyde Park, where I want to test the value | that the bloodhounds have rushed into the hall and eaten my hat of. some bloodhounds as applied to the discovery of crime. Make the| and umbrella. Committee are under the impression that the hounds acquaintance of two full-grown brutes, who examine my boots with | belong to me! | suspicion. I am glad on the whole that they are under restraint. It| 1 P.m.—Occupying my room in Whitehall Place. Got away from is suggested that they should hunt me. Cannot very well refuse, | the Club, without my hat and umbrella, by a back entrance. Will but would far rather have left that sort of thing to an Assistant- | give strict orders that I am not to be disturbed. Have called down | Commissioner. However, not to be done. Half of them recently | the tube, and can get no answer. Have just remembered that I have resigned, remainder (lazy people !) no doubt still comfortable in bed. | sent the entire Staff (disguised as washerwomen) to Whitechapel, to Never can teach my subselinstos the value of early rising ! | look about them. Don’t much like to be alone with those brutes on _94.M.—Just reached the Powder Magazine. Had to run for my | my track. life. For the moment have distanced the bloodhounds. Inspected| 2 P.m.—Just as I expected! They have traced me, and I can hear the sentry, and got him to give me over his orders. Quite right; no| them on the staircase. Wish I had a revolver. Great nuisance that smoking to be allowed within ten yards of the gunpowder—very the lock of my door is out of repair. They are sure to come in! As roper precaution. A ‘careless smoker, throwing away a lighted | I am a man of ready resource, have hidden myself on a shelf over a ueifer, might set the place on fire. Bricks and stones ignite so very | water-bottle. Have always heard that water destroys the scent. I _—. Obliged to be off in at the double, as I can hear the can hear the bloodhounds sniffing outside! Most annoying to be all snarls of the bloodhounds, who are once more on my track. Hope alone. Wish I was back at the Soudan! 3 a.M.—Have been for the last hour on the shelf. The dogs have made my room their own. Have watched them from under a pile of 10. A.M.—Brutes still pursuing me. Concealed myself in the Park- | newspapers. Fortunately, they have preferred devouring my des- keeper’s Lodge, and was nearly arrested on suspicion of being a | patches to searching for me. y just brought in my tea. Before I distant relative of ‘‘ Leather Apron.” That’s the worst of offering | could speak to him they had begun to hunt him! For a moment I areward! It causes so many innocent le to be taken up for | am alone. 4 nothing. No time for more. Just squa Park-keeper, and am off; 4 P.M.—Back again on my shelf. The intelligent beasts (far too again. Trust the brutes will have a quarter of an hour with the | intelligent! ) after disposing of the tea and muffin-boy, have returned custodian of the gardens before they resume their pursuit of me. to hunt me. I am safe for the moment, as they are devouring my 11 a.m.—Just escaped. Not a moment too soon. Hadn’t reached | cocked hat, sword, and top-boots. A great nuisance as they (the the Marble Arch a minute before the hounds sighted me, and made | cocked hat, &c.), form an effective portion of d favourite costume. for my boots. Only time to jump into a Hansom, and drive to|Cat’s-meat man outside. Can hear his cry. e bloodhounds have my Club. |heard it too, and have diseppeared to hunt him. Saved for the . 12, Noow.—Finished my lunch, and enjoying a few minutes’ rest | present ! ‘ i ; in the smoking-room. Barly edition (2nd) of the evening news-| 5 P.m.—Brutes back again. They have discovered me! I am papers, just arrived. Why won’t they leave me alone? Several keeping them off with a poker and a bag of biscuits. My shouts suggestions that I should resign. Halt Really, there people obey my orders too literally, og will spend a few minutes with the sentry before they follow e a mind to—would if those | should be heard.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 20, 1888, ANTICIPATIONS OF Ra ND diva bet NN = Me Meer ¥ le SP) DX 7 d. The Lord Mayor Elect wishes the Procession to be worthy of the occasion, and the Corporation of London. H the Cireus element and allegorical display, which accord neither with his own taste, nor, in his opinion, with the dignity of t Tue Fathers of the City were seated in the Council Chamber, engaged in a deep consultation. It was within measurable distance of the Ninth of November, and consequently the Lord Mayor shortly was to proceed in state from London to Westminster. ** This is a more than usually interesting occasion,”’observed one of | the Fathers, gravely. ‘‘ It is possible that we may never have another Lord Mayor,—leastways, not the likes of them as we have had.” **’Kar, ear!” murmured an Alderman of the old school, who had passed the chair. ‘*And this being so,” continued the other, ‘‘I hope, I do hope, that the Show will be werthy of the event. For instance, I trust, I do trust, that the City Marshal will be seen a-riding in front of it all, | a-mounted on horseback ?”’ *“My objection to the Circus element has become historical,” | returned the Lord Mayor Elect, with considerable dignity. | ‘And I do beg,” continued the Alderman, ignoring the interrup- tion, ‘* that we shal! have the men-in-armour. I may say that with- out the men-in-armour the day would go for nothing. The Missus —I should say my Lady wife—and the young ‘uns fice to see the ancient knights, and without them the day would go for nothing.” “Don’t say that,” remonstrated an Alderman, thin and smart, with a pince-nez, of the new school. ‘‘ You are forgetting the banquet. You can’t say a day which gives you a fair menu goes for nothing. C” est blague, mon cher ; or, as we used to say at | oy old Varsity, garrula hngua nocet ’” Then came a chorus of the discontented. They followed one another like a chime of bells. ‘ Yes, but how about the ancient knights—are we to have any meéen-in-armour ° ** And surely we are not to be cut out of our banners ? “ And the fire-engines—ain’t we to have any of them?” “And I do like to see a Life-boat. It gives such a benevolent air to it all, you know.” ‘’ And the Rangers—them with the guns—what about them ?” The procession will worthily represent the dignity of the City of London,” replied the Lord Mayor Elect, evasively. ” NEXT LORD MAYOR’S SHOW. He is opposed to the introduction of fe City.”— Vide the Papers. | “Yes, we know all that,” observed another Alderman, rather coarsely, ‘‘ and that the surplus saved out of the Show is to be given toacharity. But what is the Show to be like? Ain’t we going to have any gals in tights seated on globes as Britannia, and all that sort of thing ?” ‘**T am not very fond of the allegorical.” ‘‘Oh, gammon!” continued the critical Corporationist. ‘Let the young ’uns have a chance. If it ain’t too late, why not havea giraffe or a couple of elephants from the Zoological Gardens?” _ ‘‘Gentlemen,” returned the Lord Mayor Elect, with dignity, ‘believe me, I am not unmindful of the importance of the Meuopels of the World. I believe you will find that the Procession will uphold by its magnificence the best traditions of this great centre of civilisation.” And amidst some sounds of dissatisfaction, the meeting dissolved. When he was alone, the future Chief Magistrate of the City of London knitted his brow in the profoundest thought. ae ‘‘What shall Ido?” he murmured. ‘ They are never satisfied! Have I not selected a West-End Coachmaker ? Have I not contrived a card of invitation that should provoke the admiration of the whole of the civilised world’ What more would they have? May I not give up the cumbersome Beadles, the useless Commissionnaires ? And forsooth, the Procession—the real Procession—with myself in 4 brougham, and the City Marshal on the box—is not sufficiently ornate for them! Well, I must contrive something better—some- 0 that by its splendour shall catch the fancy of the ground- ings. And so late into the night and far into the early morning the Lord |Mayor Elect pondered. Day was breaking when, with a shout of | triumphant joy, he jumped to his feet. “*T have it!” he exclaimed, ‘“‘I have it! . vulgarity! Comfort and dignity! I have found the happy mean. A fortnight later all London was anxiously waiting the approach of the annual Procession. Itcame. But to ibe it the pen fails. Siento without escri And that being the case (as will be seen by the sketch above) resort has been had to the Artist’s pencil.

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iit JUS ilo er OctopeR 20, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ———— ~~ e XY Se “NUMBER ONE!” The Squire (lo Northern Farmer). ‘‘ Tut DAY DoESN’r LOOK VERY PROMISING, HuTCHINSON. WHAT DORs YOUR WKEATHER-GLAKS SAY THIS MoRNING ?” Mr. H. ‘I’ve No LooKir at THE GLASS TO-DAY, Sir. I cor ALL MY Hay In Yestenpay!” CAVE CANEM! (A Page from a Diary kept in the Neighbourhood of Whitehall.) 8 rh early to visit Hyde Park, where I want to test the value | of some bloodhounds as applied to the discovery of crime. Make the acquaintance of two full-grown brutes, who examine my boots with suspicion. I am glad on the whole that they are under restraint. It is suggested that ian should hunt me. Cannot very well refuse, but would far rather have left that sort of thing to an Assistant- | Commissioner. However, not to be done. Half of them recently | resigned, remainder (lazy ; peowte !) no doubt still comfortable in bed. Never can teach my subordinates the value of early rising ! _9 4.M.—Just reached the Powder Magazine. Had to run for my life. For the moment have distanced the bloodhounds. Inspected the sentry, and got him to give me over his orders. Quite right ; no smoking to be allowed within ten yards of the gunpowder—very oper precaution. A ‘careless smoker, throwing away a lighted ucifer, might set the place on fire. Bricks and stones ignite so very oe. Obliged to be off in at the double, as I can hear the snarls of the bloodhounds, who are once more on my track. Hope ng will spend a few minutes with the sentry before they follow 10, A.M.—Brutes still pursuing me. Concealed myself in the Park- keeper’s Lodge, and was nearly arrested on suspicion of being a | distant relative of ‘‘ Leather Apron.” That’s the worst of offering | a reward ! It causes so many innocent le to be taken up for | nothing. No time for more. Just squared Park-keeper, and am off | again. Trust the brutes will have a bad quarter of an hour with the | custodian of the gardens before they resume their pursuit of me. 11 A.M.—Just escaped. Not a moment too soon. adn’t reached | the Marble Arch a minute before the hounds sighted me, and made | ar ay, boots. Only time to jump into a Hansom, and drive to| ~ , 1 Noow.— Finished my lunch, and enjoying a few minutes’ rest | in the smoking-room. Barly edition (2nd) of the evening news- | papers, just arrived. Why won't they leave me alone’ Several Suggestions that I should resign. Halt a mind to—would if those | rule as the admission of dogs into the " horrid beasts, who I can hear barking outside, would only under- stand that I had given up the Police. Committee just sent polite note, presenting their compliments, and ry! my attention to the Jub-house. Appears that the bloodhounds have rushed into the hall and eaten my hat and umbrella, Committee are under the impression that the hounds belong to me! 1 p.m.—Occupying my room in Whitehall Place. Got away from | the Club, without my hat and umbrella, by a back entrance. Will give strict orders that I am not to be disturbed. Have called down the tube, and can get no answer. Have just remembered that I have sent the entire Staff (disguised as washerwomen) to Whitechapel, to |look about them. Don’t much like to be alone with those brutes on | my track. 2 p.M.—Just as I expected! They have traced me, and I can hear them on the staircase. Wish I had a revolver. Great nuisance that the lock of my door is out of repair. They are sure to come in! As I am a man of ready resource, have hidden myself on a shelf over a water-bottle. Have always heard that water destroys the scent, I can hear the bloodhounds sniffing outside! Most annoying to be all alone. Wish I was back at the Soudan! 3 a.M.—Have been for the last hour on the shelf. The dogs have made my room their own. Have watched them from under a pile of newspapers. Fortunately, oe ty preferred devouring my des- patches to searching for me. y just brought in my tea. Before I could speak to him they had begun to hunt him! For a moment I am alone. 4 p.M.—Back again on my shelf. The intelligent beasts (far too intelligent! ) after disposing of the tea and muffin-boy, have returned to hunt me. I am safe for the moment, as they are devouring my cocked hat, sword, and top-boots. A great nuisance as they (the cocked hat, &c.), form an effective portion of my favourite costume. Cat’s-meat man outside, Can hear his cry. The bloodhounds have heard it too, and have disappeared to hunt him. Saved for the resent ! : 5 p.M.—Brutes back again. They have discovered me! I am keeping them off with a poker and a bag of biscuits. My shouts should be heard. Really, there people obey my orders too literally

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Octoper 20, 1888, bears were coming,” where,” we got ready, presented, but didn’t fire, | L’ Ours—voila Pennemi! But there was no Ours. | One of the Half-Crown Princes out with us (any num- ber of them about—plenty of change), tried to make an | international joke about “ waiting hours for an ours,” | but he was hushed down by both the Princes, and I had | to tell him afterwards, that as he really couldn’t pro. nounce either French or English properly, he had better keep his jokes in those lan to himself. Poor dear Half-Crown ! he was so sorry, but he soon laughed it of when I called him ‘‘ Young Two-and-Sixpence,” which | set the whole party in a roar just when the only bear | that had beer. seen all day showed its nose round a corner, | lf we hadn’t been convulsed, that bear would never have | lived to tell the tale, but as it was, bang went all our | barrels, and when the smoke cleared off, all I saw was | the Half-Crown Prince going head over heels backwards | down the rocks, owing to the violent recoil of the gun | when he was laughing, and three of the chasseurs |jumping about, chucking their plumed hats in the ‘air, and shrieking with pain, though, being courtiers, they | had to pretend it was their way of expressing excessiy: annoyance at the disappointment their Royal Master and his distinguished guest had suffered. ‘* Mark, Bear!” or that “the bears were every. x Way SSA roy » ‘ Key ms, =— P 7 ; anni A i, Wor I ) ot > — _ | sss ; —— “ | iv “- abe i i | a anh 3 , a ag q - = — - é == yy — Re | the Great Desert on a Sunday night. al > . >. | shouted a Styrian Count in pink tights, green and gold coat, und leather boots with spurs. But it was a false alarm. No more at present, as the Royal Currier is just leay- ing, and he’ll have nothing to curry if I don’t send this despatch. We’re all well. Don’t talk of making a place ‘‘a regular Bear-garden.” ‘This is one, and as quiet as P.S.—I re-open this to say that I’ve hit on a plan which has met with the approbation of everyone. I kept it dark till now! My fortune’s made! ! brought | out a bag of buns from England, the very same sort that I am now > * ee they give to the bears at the Zoological. going out baiting traps and tops of trees Sure of spert!!! I expect nothing less than a Mar- juisate for this, with a chdteau, and any number of | thousands a year, to keep up the Bears in this district. rE LIKE THE Cur oF THAT Suit oF Yous, Gov! Wa onrounD rr, Sin, MY Tambor ’s THE Best iN Lonpon!” | \n 4s ; BUT YOU SHOULD TRY ouR CHAP DOWN AT E1 He's THE} \ \ MIGHT JUST MENTION My Name, you KNow!” | When I said that ousmbedy was to be off te Whitechapel, I did not mean, of course, that Whitehall Place was to be deserted. Wish I could induce the blood- hounds to go opposite to pay a visit to the Commissioners in Lunacy. Not that they would find them (as they are always from town inspecting outlying asy- lums), but they might have a little fun with the Secretary, who is a fixture. 6 P.M, still on my shelf. The bloodhounds are engaged at this moment in eating some dog-muzzles and my box of decorations. And now they are ready fora spring! Well, I will make a good fight of it! 7 p.m.—Saved! Six perfect strangers have rushed into the room. The brutes | are seized and handed over to the proprietor. The bloodhounds in handcuffs applied to their legs) are now being carried off in triumph. Very grateful to my rescuers. It appears that the six perfect strangers are prisoners who have been arrested on suspicion. As they have done me such a signal service, | can but release them. I have less compunction in giving them their freedom, as | I find that they have all been staying for the last three months in a boarding- | house at Margate. From this I fancy it is improbable that they could have been concerned in the sad affair at Whitechapel. 8 p.w.—The staff of the office have just come back. They have returned, | having arrested, by mistake, one another. is is most satisfactory, as it is proof that they must have been admirably disguised. Am on the eve of leaving the office for home, having just issued an order that the use of bloodhounds by the Police will be suspended until further orders. TRANSYLVANIAN SPORT. From Our Special Sportsman with their H.R. H.'s.) | Last week the Prince of Waxes and the Crowy Pruxce went out to shoot | bears. The bears behaved in their usual bearish manner—they are regular | beasts—and refused to meet their Royal Highnesses. Beaters—in their beau- | tiful old gold-beater-skin costume, still worn here (and by the bye, the Court Plasterers also stick to their ancient dress in this Conservative State)—went | inte the woods and forests with the Gold Sticks in Waiting, and made noise | enough to wake the sleepiest grizzly. But Bruin wouldn’t show himself, and | though we waited in the plains below for hours, yet we saw nothing. The| scouts came up, and in broken English, which they ’ve learnt out of compliment to our Prince, reported, ‘‘ All bear!” so, thinking they meant that “‘ All the A STRAIGHT TIP. a . . Expect more by wire, road, or rail, from Your own Noble Sportsman, RvupoLpH THE RIFLEMAN. THE DUEL OF DIGESTION. [M. Atexaxpre Dumas describes French duels as a mere appetite-provoking preliminary to a good breakfast, enjoyed bj rincipals and seconds together. ] Wuen A.rnonse and Jaceves Go out to attack Each other, and try the duello, Their friends gather round, With emotion profound, Admiring each daring young fellow. And both look so fierce, In ‘‘ carte” and in “‘ tierce,” They posture and lunge, ’tis quite thrilling ; You ’d think that a life Must be ta’en in the strife, And each man is bent upon killing. But, bless your heart, no ; It never is so: A scratch or a touch, and it’s ended. No man comes te harm With a prick on his arm— Thus honour and safety are blended. They go back to town, They win cheap renown In cafés where friends are assembled ; As heroes to-da They describe all the fray, \s if e’en the solid earth trembled. The déjeuner ’s there’; The bloodthirsty pair, With seconds, go back and do credit To dishes and wine : So Dumas doth opine Such duels are shams, and has said it ! Women as Poor-Law Guarpians.—Guardian Angel. CH NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MB., in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped there will be no exception. and Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C "ew bOoK BY THE “AUTHORS or THREES In 887 B.C. 88 A RAMBLE IN BRITISH Socoben By J. A. LEZS ana W. 1.6 LUTTERBUCE, r- uthors of ‘' Three in Norway With Map snd Beventy five Thastrations from | BRetehes and I phe the Authors rown oF e644 BROWN & POL CHARIVARI—Ocroszr 27, 1888. — | iret produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & POLSON in 7866. SON'S CORN FLOUR Was in the field sometime before any other was anywhere heard of, and no other has now an equal claim to the public confidence. m: LONOMAN®S _ GREEN aco [LONOMAN'S MAGAZINE, OVEMAES Price SIXPENCE & Dongerews ( Cotepaw. VY - Ry D Me x Christie A fcheme in Lice of “Payment by Results "| hy Mated by Magic. Hy WH. Policek and Brander | Maithew The Frog and His Relations, By Cannoc® Prand Margery Daw hy Miss Hickey Barbara. by May Kendal ” a Sesving lilestrate By the Bev. J ly Andrew Lang GREEN, & CO TOOKRAPH EDITI« MIS668 HRADDON'S NOVELS Price 2s, 64., Cloth gilt, Mss BRADDON'S NOVELS, N_B.—Thé whole of the Novels always ready. London: Seeraiw, Minensee & Co All we betails, and beeksellers, and Librarieg, as Ge fen of the Ehip London: LONGMANS®S AUTHOR'S At EDITION OF MIRS BREADDON'S NOVEIA, Price %s. picture cower, 3s. @4, doth gilt, Like and UNLIKE: « a Novel. 5 and Un of Mise brad CHEAP te by far th* most effective '~Tes Times Manepacs. & Co 138 } BRADDON'S ANNUAL. THE MISLETOE BOUGCH, PRICE ON® ShtiLise Iibustrated with Forty Origina! Drawings. “The largest, the best, and fhe Mest pPopalar Anpual of the Ag Londo m; SIMPKIN, MARSHAIA, @ £0. gims REEVES: HIS LIFE. By Himeeit *' The Book of the Beas« =." gms REEVES : _HIS LIFE of interest.” Ve as Nowy News smous ter ~ §. yoy ik full Diam avis Mr Sime ect ves is an odmirable narrater.”— Moai» Aorenrmirn His nome be (catlier t@ the lips ae household word Opetaven | gims REEVES: HIS LIFE By Himself. rearcaty fail to inter .t admirers | '—e" Day Temis are ‘highty dramaturc. '— Emre sete. Loxpox Mesic Peshtent>o Conran (Limited), 54. G. eat Maribor sage Street, The tfted erties « ~~ many leckngaot The auecdot: the WARRANTED PERFECT. WEVER from al! Dealers, Petr > Assur Come i Head an LOR DON = ABERDEEN 4.342100 ESTABLISHED NEAVE’S FOOD BEST AND ¢ ao Pe =A FACTORS © - of the Harem smoking Narghiiés at stam boul. Aftersmoking a sweet arumatic Pasti is used, which tm an the “vo + cg a Me — ~ Bond 8t A People who suffer from deafness and noises in oe hea: will be glad to hear that an eminent Aural tof London has hit upon a cure which is wa te bso utely efficacious, and may be applied fs home. it iss miniature Telephone, yr theear. itis not only « producer also a cure for the distressing noises in the Being tom fortable to wear, it will no downt bea boon te sen ind A apemghlgteeneains pe and may be had from the Pupiaher, al, P Beene Square, London, W.C “OUR NEIGHBOURS.” PARTRIDGE & COOPER, STATIONERS, 192, FLEET STREET. LAIRITZ'S CELEBRATED _ PINE-WOOL PRODUCTIONS. Awarded 12 Medale, Egtublished 1353. FLANNELS,. VESTS, PANTS, BELTS, KXEECAPS, &>., for Prevention and Cure of GOUT, REEUMATISM, COLDS OLDS, &. Can be had from: first Claes | ‘ pers Privetpal Retail Agents :-— EK. Lepore & Co., Li, ®trand Charing Cro-# station) Faepnice, Keg nt Street, W.C Sampeon, ll, Queen Victoria #treet, EC. 1 i-t of Counter Sonate cont n ows cations to WELCH. MARGET=0N vO., Cheapside, Londes, who A Wholesale Agent. waa VERITAS HAIR RESTORER. For Twenty-Two Years acknowledged to superior to all Hair Kestorers. wh of w eff-ctual, harmless, and | t nent. NUDA VERITAS re- stores grey or faded hair to its NUDAY preve 1 NUDA VERITAS causes growth on bald * ¥ spo. ives VERITAS is sold in cases at 10s. 6d by 1 Perfumers, Chemists, @c., from whom Circulars —. Le had Agents: RB. aia my @ SONS, 31 and 22, Peaweas Stracer, W., and 91—95, Cire Roan, E.C., "DON. TOBACCONISTS COMMENCING. Hes. TO OPEN ma ee from any mount. however small or llustrated (post free). LEKBER FRIEDLAND ER, is Hownaeditch bretablisned 60 be | 1825. FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE ACED, CHEAPEST. MAPPIN & WEBB'S DRESSING BAGS. ROTHERS. S Boys’ Scheel o., Mesers MUEL BROTHERS fave vay for immediate ure a very large assortment of Bors’ and Yourne’ Crorg ine. They wi i also be pieased send, upon epetnntin, Par Teane of Mare- mists for the Price } ists. . Messrs. Sam- ver Brornens’ SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTEKS, om, 65 & 67, L udgate Hill, Lonpon, E.C, FLOR DE JAVA MILD INDIAN CIGARS — i oe sitely choice favour and delicate aroma, , and 18s, per Box of 100, Post Free. = umph les, 4 and 6 for ls. (14 stamps). ba BEWLAY & CO., % be , Strand, and 143, Cheapside. Agents for Great Britain j ROBINSON & CLEAVER’S IRISH CAMBRIC Pocket Handkerchiefs. Sampiesand eee See at-free. ee Childre a's 12 Hemstitehed :— 2/4} | Ladies’. . 2/114 36 | Gent's 411 — nents to — Queen 1 ens of GO any i + ROBINSON & CLEAVER, Belfast, Teles graphic ‘ Linen.’ Keifast Aud “A DAILY TREAT.” TOWER TEA, LD IN EVERY TOWN, Gent's. . 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THE NEW PERFUME. “WHITE GLOVER,’ “Bcent of White Clover came over the lea.” WHITAKER & GROSSMITH, 23, SILK STREET, CITY, LONDON 2s. 64. of ali Vendors, Post Free direct, and of Loxpoy | foar Co., 107, New Hond Street Por Gas, tteam, Water T UBES 2.2%. and Heating | Purposes; Galvanised or White Evameiled inside, In stock to 6 in. diameter. Cocks, Valves, ae Joux Srexcen, Globe Tube Works, Wednesbur and M4, Gt. St. Thomas Apostic, London DINNEFORD'S MACHESIA For ACIDITY ov runs STOMACH, HEARTHUN HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION 180, BOND STREET, and all Chemists. USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES. BEST FOOD FOR INFANTS. In Tins, 1s., 2s., 5s. and 10s, each. SAVORY & MOORE, tonoon, AND SOLD EVERYWHERE. ROWLANDS KALYDOR is a scothing and emoliient preparation for te FACE AND HANDS. It removes freckles, tan, redness, and roughness “ the siim caused the use of hard wate of exposure to COLD WINDS ; soothes and retieves chaps, ircitats ba an blains more eflec — ~~ oe « other prepa:aic BEAUTIFIES. “THE SKIN, | and produccs a j ure mee a comp (108,

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TEL ENG, TUATION CURY ano HOTEL | | | KINGDoy FERRANEAN dispatch the | the Electric tisine of the Bgers strictly apply & the » Paimptar é fE. JER,” ‘ r the lea.” SMITH, ONDON nd of Loxpoy eet eam, Water and Heating | melled inside, | Valves, ae W ednesbur London ESIA ARTBULN EsTION emists. SERIES, $ LONDON, z Ds IR 1 for tee AS ughness of | wate ol and chil- pacalic | Ocroser 27, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ———— =— A BEAR Whale.” To be set and sung to an ce mpanime nt of Arin—"* The Twas in October’s month, Brave Boys, With Rvpotra we did repair, And we all went away To Transyl-va-ni-a, We went for to shoot a bear, Brave Boys, We went for to shoot a bear. I took three guns, My deadliest ones, For partridge, grouse, or hare, With cartridge and ball, Roth great and small, Wherewith to shoot that bear, Brave Boys, Wherewith to shoot that bear. When H.R.H. Was making a spache At luncheon—(sumpshus fare !)— A Keeper so eute Says, with a salute, “T think as I’ve tracked a bear, Brave Boys, I think as I ‘ve tracked a bear!” I was showing RupoLrar | The rules of golf | For which he doesn’t care, | When up comes ELxis, And what he’s got to tell in, An Aide-de-camp That ‘‘ someone has heard a bear, Was singinga song, [air, Brave Boys, |_ And I was joining in the That someone has heard a When Rvepovrs cries out, bear !” With a very loud shout, | TALKING IT OVER UNDER DIFFICULTIES. | “On the occasion of the Emperor Wrii1aM’s visit to the Vatican, his Majesty evaded the repeated attempts of the Porg to diseuss the question of | the temporal power of the Papacy.”’—Dai/y Paper. Ixy the absence of any more direct information on the subject, the | following brief dramatic version may be confidently regarded as an authentic account of the termination of the rather embarrassing | | interview to which the above paragraph refers :— ScenE—An Audience Chamber in the Vatican. The Pore dis-| covered according a private interview to the Emperor of | GERMANY, in the course of which he has made several attempts to introduce the question of the ‘‘ Temporal Power,” but has heen successfully frit d by his Imperial visitor, who, by keeping up a rattling fire of conversation on any and every subject, from the weather downwards, has managed, during the fifteen minutes the interview has already lasted, as yet completely to evade the A Dedicated to HRH, the P. of W. IDEA. Hungarian Gipsy Music. to be e posed by Archduke Joseph, and Trim Escrernazy, Who was getting rather lazy, Jumped up, and cried out, ‘Where ’” And gay Count Brepa, As bold as a Crusader, Cries, ** Let me shoot that bear, Brave Boys!” Cries, ‘* Let me shoot that bear‘ "’ Says I, ‘* Crown Prince, he never wince, And on my head my hair | Will not with fright Stand bolt upright, Whenever I see that bear, Brave Boy Whenever I see that bear!” I seized my gun, With a bound and a run, The danger | longed to share ; When just behind a tree, A-looking at me, I saw that grisly bear, Bru. I saw that grisly bear ' e Boys, He was rubbing his eyes With some surprise— He ’d just awoke from his lair I aimed—he ran— Bang! flash !—in the pan! Brave Boys. So I did not kill that bear, My eyes! there is such a Brave Bovs, bear!” I did not kill that bear ! ** My eyes! there is such a be ar, —— = The Pope (determined to get it out), And its restoration is the only sure guarantee for the security of European Peace. he Emperor (flying off at a tangent gaily). Peace! Ha! Ot course—The League of Peace. Just been cementing that over the way at the Quirinal. Fancy, too, it looks like certain success. he Pope (still sticking to his guns). Your Majesty, there is only one thing certain, and that is that io must come back. The Emperor (merrily). Come back? From what I have seen, I should say it was more inclined to forward. (With a good humoured wink.) But, of course, your Holiness knows best. The Pope (nothing daunted). It must become Papal Rome once more. The Emperor. Ha! hum! exactly. Quite so, (Feeling things are getting hot and changing front, with sudden effusion.) But, by Quite pleasant, I a aa that reminds me. Happy Thought.) 1 really must be going. th: Pope. What, going without ettltne anything ? The Emperor, Settling anything ? introduction of the, to him, unwelcome topic. The Porn, feeling that the time is slipping away, and that it is no good beating about the bush any lager, at length determines, at all hazards, to take the bull by the horns, and bring matters to an issue. | The Pope (cutting the Emperor short in a humorous account of the failure of the Prince of Wates, in his recent expedition, to get a shot ata single bear). Ah! very droll, your Majesty; very droll. But I | wish to speak to you about avery different matter (coming to the point)—the Temporal Power, you know—— | The Emperor (quickly). ! The Temporal Power. Just so. Of ing the subject as he approaches the window). | course (airily ¢. Thad alate your Holiness was so well off Dear me! (looking | here. What a capi The Pope ( ing). You know, it i — | 4he Pope ). You it is necessary The Emperor (bri , misund: rstandi' g him). Of course, it is necessary. up, as you are, here, it must be quite a resource od lot of it. P. to you (again looking out), and seems a mean it is necessary The Pope (ignoring his misinterpretation). | to the exereise—— | The Emperor (cutting in briskly). Of course it is necessary for exercise ; anf, I’m sure, I’m very glad your Holiness is able to get it. I doubt if you be able to get on without it. The Pope (still holding on). To the exercise of my spiritual funetions, and so its restoration-— The Emperor (catching at the word glibly). Restoration! To be | Sure. That’s going on everywhere. All over the place, in fact. | Quite a rage for it. Such lots of new Boulevards. I’m sure I don’t now what they won’t restore next. rather unsettled, isn’t it? (Beating a retreat.) Wum! Yes! | Precisely. Just so. Of course! (Zuking his leave respectfully.) | Anyhow, it is so kind of your Holiness to have received me. Vnjoyed | our talk so much, you know. ’Pon my word, I have. Bows himself out, and joining his suite with *‘ evident signs of deep emotion” depicted on his countenance, leaves the Porw: shaking his head, conscious that he has had a not very satis- factory interview with a remarkably unmanageable and troublesome young man. ROYAL VISIT TO HIS OWN CAPITAL, Ox Wednesday last London was brilliantly lighted to honour the arrival of King Foa, who paid his first state visit of the season to his He entered the City on the Fast, and proceeded in triumphal procession towards the West. On reaching Kensington ‘he returned. His Majesty also visited the suburbs. The royal | progress was celebrated by grand fantasias on A ra- ‘tory Organs, Baron Broncairis was out with his Bandannas by four hoarse-men, The Actors of London, with had colds, were ‘represented by Mr. Hermann Wwerzrw, and in the train of King Foe followed the celebrated General De Pression, with deputations | from the various states of [ll-health and Indi-gestion. The rear was | brought up by bands of Roughs, Burglars, and Policemen at a | respectful distance. His Majesty bas been taking a slight rest during the last few days but he has no intention of quitting the Metropolis for some time to come. own capital. the way, what a delightful afternoon it seems to be turning out. | Jumping at | Why, yes, everything is | VOL. XCV. s

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [OcrosgR OLD KING COAL. SONG OF AN ANTI-SCIENTI King Coal (roused out of his slumber), ‘On, wnat a Bore!” Jondon (to Science). ‘‘TaAKE MY ADVICE, AND DON’T HAVE ANY- THINS TO DO WITH HIM. He's A GREAT DEAL TOO DEEP FoR Us.” “*Is there Coal under London?’ We sincerely trust there is not, and ‘that, if there is, it will never be discovered. The prospect of a colliery district at Streatham, with an eventual revival of the iron industries of Surrey, Kent, and Sussex, is enough to make every Londoner despair.’ ’’— Times. Yes, Old King Coal is a merry old soul, And a merry old soul is he ; But we shall all be undone If they find him under London ; So we trust that is fiddlededee. O1' the plague and the pother, Oh! the shindy and the smother Sa

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| Ocroser 27, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 195 — That in all suburban districts we should see So Old King Coal we ’ll trouble you To disturb not the 8. W.., And let us live on easy in E.C. For though Old King Coal is a useful old soul Whom generally men are glad to see, Yet we all shall be despondent, If the ‘‘ Thunderer’s” Correspondent orrearrying the drill to the doot of Stres Fane ing the oot of Streat- . -_— Hill, | Or filling Hampstead Heath with reek and roar ! No, prithee, Madam Science, Stay your hand with this appliance For a “hare ” at Richmond Hil would be a bore. It may be as you say, that below the London y; At Tottenham and eke at Kentish Town, You, by boring a big hole, May arrive at at Coal, That is if you dig very deeply down. Yet spite of any treasures that might come from the Coal Measures, And the we denudations,” and all that, The Metropolitan zone You had better leave alone, The game ’s not worth the candle, Ma’am, that’s flat! Punch’s heart is hard as steel against WHITAKER’s ap For sub-Jurassic borings and such stuff. Wealth-grabbing is our time’s tone, But below the London limestone Is no place for Dives’ delving,—that’s enough. | Cut your seientific cackle, bring no more Contractor's tackle | To mar our grim Metropolis still more: For though Old King Coal Is a merry old soul, | We do = want his mirth near Thames’s shore. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. For those whose musical memories are | well stored, Dr. Spark’s Musical Memories _have not much novelty to offer. All the | professional people of his acquaintance seem to have been as nearly morally and socially | erfect as may be. He is quite a “good RIFFITH,” (not the safe man with an *'s,”’ but the oral biographer of Cardinal Woxsry) in his reminiscences, and thereon is much to | be commended. De mortuis nil nisi bonum. | But how interpret ‘‘bonum?” I should | say in a biography let us translate it as ‘‘a thing” about so-and-so. Well, he | has some “‘ good things” in this sense, and he tells them in a sufficiently lively manner to warrant me in alluding to him as ‘‘ The Vital Spark.” He tells very naively of dinner-parties at Parri’s on “off nights”—which seem to have been rather ‘‘ ‘On’ nights” —when “at the in- Vitation of Srraxkoscu he had an opportunity of di with the family y” —he means _ ay Parti — (‘‘ sometimes strengthened,”’ he goes on, whispering in brackets, “by two or three influential critics) at their charming house, Rossini Villa, Clapham Park. indeed, were ¢ | delightful times,” &c., &c. Clapham rather ‘ discounts the ‘‘ Rossini” of the Villa. On the whole, very nearly, Vital Srarx’s book is oute ne amusing for any half-hour un- ed, P The Autobiography of Sus REEvVEs is a thrilling Romance. it opens with a sensa- ( WHd,y sudan" puget wae REWARD An \ in f iN } - — . =—_ | | | —_ sé *ANDICAPPED!” Gaol-Bird (having just picked ‘‘ Landlord's” pocket), ‘* AMERIKIN Watcn! Sarpy OLp "Umpuc !—ANbD ’Im A Man oO’ Property Too! Ucn! WHat ‘ITH DOWNRIGHT FRAUD LIKE THIS "ERE, AN’ COERCION, AN’ WHAT NOT, A Poor MAN HA'N'T GOT A CHANCE !! , tional murder, and the book, like Prospero’s Island, is ‘‘full of strange noises.” There is not enough about Sims Reeves himself, details of his studies, and so forth. ze People are going about laughing—all business is suspended —chuckling and nudging is the order of the day. No more coughs and colds. Try Toole's Reminiscences, The ksellers are all making jokes over the = of Boswett Hatroy’s Tootr’s Reminiscences. A ag went to one in Hatton Garden, and asked if he had one of TooLe’s reminiscences. o, he Hatton’t,” was the reply. And then the office-boys danced and cheered, and one who previously rushed out with five-and-twenty copies under his arm, returned with, ‘* Sold again!” I read bits of it here and there in the Sunday Times, but must sit down to it quietly, and be strapped into my arm-chair, A Physician will be at hand, to prevent me dyin’ o’ larfin’. ‘ : gets - One Moore book, called Spring Days. Even the Pall Mall Gazette describes it as “a ’ and can find scarcely a chapter without some ‘‘ flagrantly bad taste.” This being id s ty dish,’ , n a cohhews its author will change its title to Spring Onions. This is a matter of taste for rfumery. Spring! Spring! beautiful Spring! Loveliest Onion of the Year! sings the ady of Shalot (at a distance) to her own Baron Dr Book Woune,

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196 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroser 27, 1888, = CHURCH AND STACE; OR, ST. JAMES’S THEATRE. Tux Dean's Daughter is an unwholesome, unpleasant, riy- | did the late Jonw Ciartron, but he is so intimately associated with - wet “p and Larrea , | Mr. Gitsert’s Vicar, who wore much the same costume in 7}, constructed play, with here there some sharp, flashy writing which is more acrimonious than amusing. As novel-readers know, The Dean's Daughter is by the author of Ariane and As in a : Glass, last was the novel that made Mr. Parirs’s re- putation. Ariane dra- / matised was a / (A repulsively pore pow- erful pone. In it virtue was not rewarded, ™ as there was ) nonetoreward; but vice was punished, and aL. the existenceof allthe unprin- The Very Rev. Rutland Bar- M. Lafontaine in the «treet cipled, godless rington in the dress of the Dean f the Dean, Soho. “ Per- dpapeates per- of St. James’s. “J’y dine; feetly Abbé!” sone wa) 75 teste!” shown to be thoroughly miserable. But in this play at the St. James’s the Divorce Court, like *‘ the Waverley Pen,” comes “like a boon and a blessing to men,” and women, too, and such small virtue as there is in the piece, or what the authors would have us accept as a by giving the divorced woman in to the nominal co-respon- dent (after he has shot another would-be co-respondent, his rival), whe clasps her to his manly breast in the presence of her former husband (whom the divorce t- freed in order to continue a liaison with somebody else), and of a third loyer—a mere boy who might as well have been in Eton jacket and turn-down collars, with apples and sweets in his pocket,—whose hand and fortune this injured inaocent, introduced into Society under an assumed name, has just accepted. On this * heroine of the Divorce Court,” before or after her marriage, an audience cannét waste its sympathy, as before marriage she is not in love with anybody,—though she foresees the person, —and, with her eyes open very wide indeed, she allows herself to be induced by her reprobate father, whom she despises, and her odious companion, Mrs. Fortescue, to marry a fortune and a title. Miriam St, Aubyn'is an ungrateful part, prettily and cleverly, if not brilliantly, played by Miss OLea NerHeRrsoxe, who is possessed of considerable emotional power, can rise to dignity of action, and has the true touch of pathos in her voice. She comes from the Adelphi to play the daughter of the Dean, and her place in The Union Jack is taken by another of the Draw family,—Dororay Dene. Another coincidence is, that the Christian name of Lady Ashwell in the piece is Dornormea, and as she is to marry the Rev. Augustus St. Aubyn, she also will be a Dornorny Dean. I suppose the somewhat scrappy dialogue is mainly taken from the novel, and of this Miss Hrxr has all the telling lines, which, intended to be the comic relief of the piece, she delivers as though she were onee more C'ymisea, in modern costume, impersonating a sort of Vixenish chorus, making a running commentary on theaction. Does Miss Hit correetly interpret the Authors ? Sir Henry Craven is one of the line of old diplomatists that com- menced, I fancy, with Baron Stein. Here, he is a dummy Sir Peter Teazle, who marries a young girl im the country, and then reminds her of what she was before a became his wife. This Sir Peter substitute for virtue, is rewarded by Messrs. Gruwpy and Purtips' probability of her being so with somebody after marrying the wrong | be. Last, but certainly not least, comes the Very Reyd. Ruriayp Barriveton, Dean of St. James’s. He looks the Dean as well as Sorcerer, that any audience would never be surprised were he to step forward and, to Mr. ArmerusrEr’s excellent accompaniment, sing, ‘‘Ah me, I was a pale young Curate then.” Perhaps Jester Groner will provide him with lyries describing his regret at having quitted that company with the refrain, “ me, I was a. stout jyoung Actor then!” But, pooh, bah! He is Ma r now and ot actor. He has to play a part in which there is little wit and ino finesse; it is the Reverend Mr. Pecksniff and Lady Ashieil lishis Mrs. Todgers. But Pecksniff, sober or inebriated, with a sound thrashing. The Dean is unpunished, for the possible | loss of Lady Todgers’ hand and fortune wouldn’t affect him very much. The best-played scene, which does not owe much to the writing, is the one Seed Mr. Lewrs Watrer and Miss Neruer- SOLE, when the heavy haberdashery-young-man kind of lover tells Miriam that her wishes are hi pt te and says farewell for ever—only to reappear in the same place five minutes ards. The play is preceded by a One-Act Comedy called A Patron Saint. At present the St. James's Management must be contented with one Saint as a Patron for the evil Dean’s doings. 1 fancy the patro- nage will not be considerable, either of saints or sinners. To come from such exceptionally unwholesome ‘* home ome as | | The Dean's Daughter to so exceptionally wholesome a French piece as L’ Abbé Constantin, is as refreshing as escaping from an infected atmosphere into the pure air. M. Larontarve is perfect as the Ad}é, a genuine French type. The delicacy of his art is a study, but there hw tegen’ » Was amusing, | jand then in the end, he failed in his villany, and was only let of | is no call upon him for any strongly emotional acting. The two young | men’s parts are fairly acted. Miss Jane May, “‘ My Pretty Jaye,” is not seen to advantage, and the piece, though pretty and simple enough, is deficient in any real dramatic interest. On Thursday, M. Larontarxe is to appear in Le Fils de Famille, and M. L’ Abjé | should be reserved for oceasional Matinées, JACK-IN-THE-Box. DUE NORTH. | Evenings at Lochglennie— Weather Notes—Finale. Ovn evenings are lively. Miss Mriuze plays the piano, Miss | Evetyy is a violonist, and Miss Maper a banjoist. They all know | each other’s music, and can play from memory almost any song or air that may be “‘ inquired for.” : D. B. is a proficient on the penny whistle, and Dotty Waltz is 4 | master of a small, peculiar-shaped instrument, of Italian nation- | ality, called, I think, the occarina, which, when placed close to the | performer’s lips, makes him lock as if he were doing a conjuring trick, and pretending to swallow a baby’s shoe. GRANNIE plays a muirloton, which he has brought from Paris. The Baron’s instrument is the cornet-a-pistons, but, as the Good Aunt, who is our sole audience, declares she cannot possibly stay in the room with that noise, we insist on the Baron performing with a pocket-handkerchief stuffed into the cornet, the effect of which is very much as if he were playing it under the bedelothes. The Laird has made a life-long study of the side-drum. From his earliest years he was always attached to it, and it was attached to him,—by a string, Now his performance on it is that of a Professor. He is a Master of the Rolls. ‘*Very few people,” he says, when he finds = are inclined to talk seriously on the subject, *‘ very few people know what there is to be got out of a drum. It is not all noise. How effective it is at | military funerals, muffled!” By. This seems rather a gloomy view to take of it. When an invi- tation is sent to the Laird to attend a funeral, do they add on his particular card, “‘ and bring your drum, muffled” ? I don’t like to ask this, and he continues, “it is the universal instrument. All nations have the drum.” * And chickens have drumsticks,” puts in D. B. And by way of showing us that his remark was not meant seriously, he nods at me and says, ‘‘ How are you?” ‘ The Laird insists on my being provided with an instrament. The should have been stuffed full of fed things, and killed in the entr’ acte after Act IIL, when he would have died deeply regretted by a| numerous Dress Circle. As it is, he has little to do, nothing worth hearing to say, and reappears inopportunely as Lord Anticlimax in Act IV., just in time to spoil a fairly effective dramatic situation. Miss Aprrenne Darmotyes, as French Maid, is uncommonly good. How she would suit that wicked French part in Bleak House / rince Balanikoff, the would-be ce- ndent of foreign extraction, | loeks like a melancholy Polish Jew, and his walk reminded me of the little mechanical tin-toy man drawing the cart, of whom we ’ve seen so much recently, taking his exercise in the streets. Miss HILL says Ta, Ta, Prince,” to him. This exactly describes him. When the | Russian is seratehed, you find the Tar-Tar Prince underneath, and | his violent scene is his best, melodramatic though it must necessarily Wicked Unele refases to resign the triangle, which, he protests pathetically, he has played since the second ht he eame here, and wants to know why f shouldn’t have the fire-irons, as he had when he first arrived? This proposition seems to be considered as fair and just, and so Grawnre hands me the poker and shovel, with which ! ave to serve my apprenticeship as it were, with the reversion of the triangle, on the departure of the Wicked Uncle, We are all in our places, with Miss Mritre at the piano. The orchestra is wonderfully suceessful. Perhaps the most effective of the morceaur 1s & 9B sung by D. B., entitled “ The Man that struck O' Hara, whie offers peculiarly fine opportunities for the side-drum and the fire- irons. There is one part—a pause—where the chorus leaves off, and only the side-drum and the fire-irons come in with one tremendous crash, illustrating the force with which “the man that struck |

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Ocroser 27, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (’Hara” was floored by the latter’s friends, who, to avenge his | injuries, d his asssailant— “ Down the passage, down the stairs, Over tables, over chaire— 4 Scarcely time to say his prayers——"’ Then, I think, in the awful pause that follows, comes the whack of the drum, together with the crash of the fire-irons—a most dramatic effect—as the chorus immediately bursts forth with savage exultation, “* Rags and bones were all they left Of the man that struck 0’ Ba + play it over several times, on each This so delights us all, di uty in it, and finally finishing it with repetition finding some new almost barbaric intensity. The Good Aunt looks at her watch. ‘‘ Half-past ten. ‘ God Save the Queen,’ if you ‘ ” she says, and, in compliance with the request of our audience, we give the Nati Anthem with full orchestration, Then comes the last of the evening. Every lady who retires at ten is entitled to ‘* Mi Hencurs”—tiatie, “By Order of ae Laird,” jon Sey is escorted gh the pemen® mons ~~ by the e contingent orchestra, in marching r. RANNIE, = rum- * first; then come the ladies with bed- chamber cam ; then the band, at quick march, playing ‘‘ Bou- langer’s Mare. ” alternated wrath the ** British Grenadiers,” as we call at the rooms, and, having seen all the ladies to apartments, we right-about-face, and march briskly back to appropriate air of * The Girl I Left until we reach the Smoking-room, where we are disbanded, and go from labour to refreshment. Next Day, and Day after, and several Days after that,—Rain persistently. Wai 's aad umbrellas required, if only to walk about the garden, It sounds paradoxical, but it’s true, or ought to be, that, when it’s wet, it is fine for fishing. Plenty of fish in the river, but remain . I go on the moors, when they ’re driving, eatch a severe cold. are visible to the naked eye as they go up the hill. Happy are (as I see them in the distance).—‘' How happy could I be with heather”—if it were only dry, and not such a trouble to = a we ‘ii 4 ‘ , At my Wi —_ re having sport, judging from the reports I hear. Reports ing more and more distant, and only miniature mechanical toy-men and puffs of smoke can be seen throug glasses. ‘* Lookers on see most of the game.” Quite untrue at this distance, as I see most of the men and nothing whatever of the game. Granntr, the fisherman, returns, de dently. He has lost his best fly, which has been taken by a guolighous fish. ‘‘ So,” says he, “J was spoof’d over that.” He thinks it rather hard to be he adds, in the tone of a disappointed man, ‘‘so does all sport. What’s the use of climbing over moors, or wading up to your neck in water, ne to be spoof’d in the end?” I admit that this does sound hard. We talk sport generally, and I obtain some valuable information. Has he been lucky in horse-racing’ ‘‘ No,” he replies —*lost.”” Then he adds, with playful irony, ‘‘It’s ’osses makes the ’oof to fly.” This, I presume, is a new sporting proverb. Play on the words, ‘*’osses”” and ‘*’oof,’’ b ping the ‘‘h.” ‘ No,” he explains, **‘’oof’ means coin.” Unde derivatur ‘‘Oof” ? I keep private ee Notes. We begin with,— Any Day.—10 a.m. in. Everything wet—turf, garden- seats, &e., &e, 10°30.—Sun. Everything dry. 11.—Scorching. Must change thi 11°30,—Am in summer suit. De Gaiters, goloshes, thickest boots, umbrella, sou’ wester. ¢ 12°30,—8un suddenly brilliant. Heat ical,—moist heat, like vapour-bath. Birds . Openall windows. In-doors unbear- able, Gnats, flies, line, been. Hang up waterproof, get rid of gaiters, go! , &e. to summer clothing. Go in to lunch. Doors and windows open. Iced drinks. At lunch arrange for walk, going out in canoe, shady trees, on river’s bank. Lawn if not too sultry, or sit under in American chairs, be 2°30.—Ty ion scene! Quick change! Torrent of rain. Driving wind from 8.E. Rush for waterproofs, Chilly. Asele eold. 3.—In-doors, putting on winter thi Lighting fires. Shutting all windows. | fst down to be comfortable. 4'15,—Suddenly, ome heat in—let fires go out out ourselves—going to be fine Aeewalie wag suddenly (every in Scotland is sudden,—the people are cautious, but the weather is impulsive) becomes mixed, and, to express it musically, we have no longer a solo of sun, or of rain, or of wind, nor do we have a duet of amt | ade but we have a wonderful trio of sun, rain and wind, unison ! ! —— to summer suit. ; of rain. Change again. Behind Me,” | Next day stay in, and see the sport from window, as the shooters ! “spoof'd.” But he has had no luck, ‘Are the flies,” I ask, | —meaning a whole pocket-book full of them such as he has got— | “expensive?” ‘* Yes,” he replies, ‘‘ they cost a goodish bit ; but,’ | | | } 197 It is a Grand Meteorological Opera. A magnificent symphony, or ey i me May Hy be written entitled The Weather, which idea I hereby offer to Sir Anruux Svtirvaw or Mr. Gorrve Taomas or Dr. Mackenzie, with my compliments, and “no fees.” All that is required to-day, as the shades of eveni ther round us, is that the First Act of the New Meteorological Seotch Opera should end with a i af rain, hail, thunder, lightning, snow, all this to the “sun's ’ and with fine a4 4 So gs. As some * So t i” so it goes on for ten days,—and oe the firth fine day’ Ts off ! No help for it; I’ve ts. ust depart. There ’s no doubt about all my arrangemen + ete te This is the first fine day, and bid fare- well Im . my ear as the train moves off come from D. . and the last words that salute platform, and just as the train is por ay rushes to the corner of the are you?” Towhich, the remembrance of Onaxxin's ill luck flashing bedi dog aoe Aad so ends my ten days’ holiday Due North. = DIVINE SHAKSPEARE AND THE GREAT SCOTT. ImmortsL Dramatist and Novelist! Spell Seat with a single ati, their | and it will stand for Lord Ronaxp of the Sculptor’s chise e coincidence has struck a student of Scort’s Bor- der Minstrelsy, and, though too late for last week's issue, some verses have arrived from “*‘ Aw OLD PaARLOUR- Borper Muin- srret,” which he says he has adapted from a familiar old ~. . Scotch ballad to > the occasion of — Lord Rowap Chiselled by a canny Scot. GoweR’s pre senting a statue of SHaxsreake to the people of Stratford-on-Avon, which event we chronicled last week. ° | Arr (Old Scotch, like the Whiskey) -* What gat ye for Supper, Lord Ronald my son ?*" I. Where gat ye your statue, Lord Roya.p, my son ” It’s as white as a speetre, my handsome young man. Oh, I made it in France, alther, tank my bed soon, And I ’ye gi’en it to Stratford, and fain would lie doon i. Will ye do one for London, Lord RoSALb, my sn, : Now that Soaksreare’s in Paris, m y handsome young man’ Oh, London saw mine, mither,—mak my bed soon, And in Paris c’est connu, so let me lie doon, 1m. Why not Morikxe for London, Lord Ronap, my son * ’T would be but politeness, my handsome young man.— Oh, I’m weary of Paris, mither,—mak my bed soon ; The Bard took twelve years there,so let me lie doon. The ‘“‘Ocp Pantove-Borper Muveraes.” adds that “ this, with the drone of the pipes, i chant all hearers.” For the sake of metre, he wishes “ Paris” in the ultimate line to be pronounced “Parrs,” as one syllable ; that is, if we see no objection—and we don't. Iuvortant Poxrent!—Mr. Invrve, who is always making good speeches, made a telling one at which, as reported, seems to have consisted principally of one lengthy but most appropriate quotation. But what was really remarkable was that, from begin . ning to end, he + a " age sche the porteaton : this? Where was JosEru eit Hatrow : omission? Jouw Lawrence will address “ Friend Irving” with the words of the song that Miss Grace Damren sings » charmingly, “* Can You Forget?” “Op Fouxs at Home.”—Mr. Barter has written an interestin book, ‘called Modern Methusalehs. The Author must be henceforth known as *‘ The Old Bailey.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 97 mts [Octoegr Nepeee™ ee e e - t EVEN SOCIAL AGONIES. Depiticn Boresa™ I's ASKED THEM H ONCE WE ACTUALLY D W Mrs. INSIDE ‘D> IT ‘THE SISTERS THREE ;” ‘ yr F 4 : kian rs tu Ancient W ‘ suffer what the Fates ordain has wove the thread of life with a vos, eacia’s King, and Homer sing ta Teuton; no;— urcely ** mild.” to friend or foe. rs such gentle accents jar. said that Man is his own Star. is all time, all influence, all fate. m falls early or too late” ? Paree of my own, each seated on a radiant throne, tar- spangled, —docile each to Me. tes were, "tis said, to Destiny! re my ideal. Come, great Phi t what Pors wh Was m wetler ‘ 2eu, let's AC listaff-b she looks grim, ontemplative, with glance afar, ) seans the serried ranks of war m some plain-dominating pinnacle. that's a master-piece: stands clear, weil. wearer ; MJOAS vermania calmly spins the web of | Her grip upon the spindle shall not Whilst 1 Cloud-compeller. Blessed Pax! That listaff, w ‘replenished with smooth ‘ Peace ; cease As smoot ‘ cs ngs, Must, e present shaky state of things, Be firmly handled, or sedition’s shocks Will send us back to Erebus and Nox is if not se *—« =» +) io Better their dismal daughters! Iron might | But Fates, like suns, must neither lag nor Alone may war with Chaos and old Night. Seruple that shirks, and pity that will pule, May please the poets, but they cannot rule The ** Fatal Sisters” knew not change n ruth. These old Greek singers had an eye for truth And that is something more than one can For sentimental twanglers of to-day Then Lachesis! Yes—that’s the style For her who, under guidance, spins Of Poliey—which is a kingdom’s life. Lachesis knows the woe of inner strift f hea the threax For ali her haughty Hapsburg lip. Spin out : il of | Painted those pitiless hags that in the Pitti The long thread lightly; veil that look doubt Which on the face of ‘ "Tis yours to “‘make it fingers,” t And “equalise” (‘tis no light task! Spin on; I have an eye upon the issues. lotho dwells and lingers Lasues Your Crown looms shadowy ; with that dual oecur) — blur Of lamp-lights when—(a thing that wil A man hath wined not wisely, but too well. A Fate, remember, must be firm and fell. And Atropos? Aha! This Fate looks steady, The shears firm-gripping, and to ready. A cruwn of lesser height but firmer poise. Could Fates be glad, one might conceive she joys, Like some young pard, in her life-slitting _ fanetion, Which she would exercise without tion, om pune- H > | say use them a we ACTEM ae “= baal ee 0 ‘ " mu! Toey’re ALway SOME RETURN!” MORE CAN THEY EXPECT TO MEET THE " MUST MAKE WHat VED ~ aste, Not theirs to husband and not theirs to wast | The thread attenuate, but to twirl, spin, slit r | As what e’en they obey may order it. And that, the higher overmastering source At once of web and shears, of fate force f° Well, the wise ancients left that agent vag i/Andsowill L. It is the petty plague i | Of little minds to pry. My picture ! It does not follow Micnart ANGELO With any servile closeness, I admit. So! He —. 1888. | Freeze all men’s marrow with their ston; glare. pliant "twixt the | The gazer who can front those orbs might dar ’| To meet Medusa’s petrifying glance. **the | But times must change, creeds shift, and Art advance. Masters may differ. This is my design For the Three Modern Fates; much les: li malign | Than massive MicHart’s, yet prepared to act With iron proms Like this shoul Sinee the Three Fates form now a League of Pe ace . A pohtieal pact ess. Mrs. Ramszpornam, being told of the “* Pas- tels’ Exhibition,” observed, ** Let me see, 75° is Paster? Isn't he a doctor who cured mad dogs? It must be a most interesting show. Where is it—at the Crystal Palace, where the Cat Show was?” bid all war and tumult cease, |

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PUNCH, OR THI LONDON Arroros, LACHESIS, “PHE SISTERS THREE;” OR, THE TRIPLE ALLIANCE.

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Octoser 27, 1008.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 201 s a | OUR NEW M.F.H. Mr. ToreLe, oun New M.F.H., HAs DECIDED TO HUNT THE HOUNDS HIMSELF; BUT FINDING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO REMPEMLER THEIR NAMES, HE HAS ADOPTED THE ABOVE CAPITAL PLAN, ) : T wwe) quicker than afore, and wen the liberal conserwatif Gent had made : ROBERT'S ESTON ISHM ENT. ; his nice little speech and anded over his nice littel Fountane, the I nave lived to see the day wen a Cheerman of a Copperashun | Cheerman stood forrard, and I coud see a wisibel shudder run through Cummittee has publickly dared,—without a blush, as far as I coud | the elderly members of the Cummittee for fear as he shood commit see, and I fixt os egle gaze apes him as he spoke,—to xclaim to an|hisself as afore. But no, he awoided the dellicate subjick alltogether, estonished crowd, *' Water, brite Water for me! and give your| and made one of them bewtifool littel speeches as only Cheermen can | wine to the trembling Debbawshe!” How the three or four| make, and the Cummittee was ewidently much releeved in their ancient Deputys as herd him liked the strange words of course I don’t minds speshally the old uns. But, wunderfool to relate, insted of know, but this I do know, that when a few ours arterwards the | dessending from his stony pedestal of glory and retiring gracefoolly Cummittee was all seated cumferally together at their faverite | amid the peeple’s cheers, he acshally filled a pewter cup to the brim Gildhall Tavern and me a waiting on ‘em, as ushal, they all drunk | and quaffed it off without a shudder, and called upon his Committee the — Cheerman’s good helth together, and chaffed him most | to bo dly stand forward and do likewise! Oh, the grim smiles upon tremenjusly about his watery speech. But he bore it all chearfully, their countynancys was a sight tosee! One ancient Beputy endevourd like a man and a brother, and tossed off a bumper of fine old Port! in wane to conceal his disgust, while another had the pluck to boldly after thanking them for their kyind wishes. annownce what all the others dowtless thort, namely, that he shood So I needn’t have bin so we rr alarmed at the Cheerman’s | prefer it with jest a leetle drop of old Skotch whiskey in it! xtrornary speech, but he ewen did wuss then that on anothersimmy-| And now jest one word of frendly warnin to my kynd Patrons. ler ocashun, as I will now perceed to relate. | It’s trew, as I’m told, that the Board of Warks, having failed to _it seams as the Copperashun, not kontent with setting up the best | give sattisfaction by living on nothink but Work and Water, is about Skools, and the best Libery, and the best Markets, and the best | to give place to another Board with a different name, but with the Bridges in all the hole City, has lately gorn into the Parks and Open | same hutterly himpossibel condishuns, and you may be thinkin of Spaces line, and after spendin about a quarter of a millyun of money | haltering your old successful, becoz Jibberal, plan o rashuns, in buying Epping Forrest, as I herd the Cheerman of the Cummittee | to catch a fittle fleating poppylarity. But it will be a orful mistake, say ony a few weeks , has quite lately took charge of Highget | for while it will chill and Koopylad your frends it will ony excite oods, and wen sumbody leave to put up a Fountane there, | the contemt of your fos. (Roper. so that the pore littel boys and gals as goes there coud wash there ——— ——— hands, and setterer, the Coppttae un not ony allowd it, but sent down « Cammittee to see as it was all rite, and to take charge of it, and it) WHAT’S-HIS-NAME AND THE SATURDAY REVIEW. Was on this ocashun that the Cheerman made the owdacious speech I have menshuned. _I was there, and I herd what was a going on, andI| Lx answer to numerous Correspondents, we beg to state, on more searcely xpects to be beleeved when I says that sum of the pore littel | than undoubted authority, that,— children Tredkity as the Cheerman’s back was turned, acshally went! 1. The ‘‘ Saturday Review” will not in future appear every Tues- up and nk sum of the werry cold water, pore littel things! The| day. 2. That it will be edited by its Editor in London, and not in a Cummittee might have let it run ginger beer just for wance. But) Cottage near the “* Merrie Green Wood.” 3%, That its Editor is wuss remanes behind. For ony larst week the same Cheerman took | wor going to undertake the chief direction of the Detective and down the werry same Cammitics to take over another Fountane, as| Private Inquiry Department of the Police under the sobriquet of another liberal minded Gent—tho’ he is a blooming Conserwativ—| ‘‘Pottocky.” 4. That neither Mr. What’s-his-name nor Mr. had offered to give for the Queen’s Park at Killburn, which is another! What-you-may-call-um is engaged on the paper. 5. That every of their good worx ‘report put about by Thingummy Bob when he was rather Thingummy It was a bitter cold day, so the bizziness was got thro’ rayther more | ight is hereby emphatically contradicted.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octoser 27, 1888, HISTORY AND MYSTERY. | [At Liverpool, Queen Patience, et. 19, wife | of the deposed King Ja-Ja, waa highly charmed | with the railways and the electric light, but | jimputed both to the inventive genius of the | | “*debble,” “as man have no sabbey do dem | | tings "— Evening Paper.) | | Otp English worthies never saw The Railway or Electric Light, PRIMITIVE ARITHMETIC. ss. ‘‘ AND WHAT WAGES DO You Wet, Mum, IT DEPENDS ON ENTRANCE ‘ALL AND Doorstep, Twenty Pounps a YEAR. But New M New (Oval DiINING- ROOM, CLASS ‘ovsi EXPEcT ?” NOTHING 1 Forty !’ THE STYLE YOU LIVE IN. AS WELL AS THE COOKING, ’ , > | v? + . ~ . iy I’M TO HAVE A KITCHEN-MAID 10 "ELP, AND | the Ninth of November, with the Extin- | r THE COOKING TO ATTEND TO, LIKE IN A GENTLEMAN'S ‘OUSE, I SHALL REQUIRE | guisher, and the next Lord Mayor’s banquet Which, seen but unexplained, with awe | And wonder would have dazed their sight: Such marvels, certés, they ’d have thought, Could be by warlocks only wrought, — Witcheraft, not very long ago, Stood on the code of actual crimes ; Most things whose causes none could know Were magic in the good times, | Whate’er they didn’t understand, | To solve the ** debble”’ was at hand. Grave doctors, lawyers, and divines, Regarded, from their point of view, As portents, prodigies, and signs, | And cantrips, to his action _ | Each new discovery science made, | Invented by the ‘‘ debble’s” aid. In her philosophy, to-day, Queen Patrence, not above a child, | Is just about as wise as they, hen faggots were for witches piled. | The nell need not boast, a pebble They care no longer for the ‘* debble.” A Last Frare-vup !—The flickering Lord Mayor, who will be extinguished on the Ninth of November, has been writing to | the papers, indignantly denying that when |in Belgium he ever made the “ ridiculous | statements” or expressed the ‘‘ contemptible |opinions’”’ about London (e.g., its being **the cesspool of Europe ’’) that have been | attribu to him. Neither Mr. Punch, | | nor any other sensible citizen, ever for one | |moment believed that the now flickering | jand sputtering Civie Light could have | said such a tings.” The idea of a Lord | | Mayor of London fouling his own Mayor's | |nest! Why, it would be enough to make | Ir I’m To po THE| WaurttrNetonr “turn again” in his grave. | LIKE IN A Mippe| Farewell, brave Potypore! Here comes will be your ‘* blow out!” ————_———————— SEEN YOUR CRISPI? Sionor Carspt, the Italian Premier, having recently been inter- viewed by an English Journalist, a representative from 85, Fleet Street, was despatched to Rome to see him. The following is the sonens that has been received from our Correspondent, which is pub- lis “Y with all rights reserved, but not necessarily as a guarantee of | good faith. | I must say I was a little surprised to find that instead of being ‘‘a short compactly-built Italian,” as I expected to see him, from the description furnished by my journalistic colleague, Signor Crispi | was decidedly podgy, not to say stout. He received me with great courtesy, seating himself gracefully on the only chair there was in the room, and apologising profusely for not being able to offer me one too. “You have seen, no doubt,” he said, with a smile, ‘that your predecessor, in interviewing me, ‘had not exchanged half-a-dozen sentences with me ere he recognised in me a man to whom waste of time and verbal banalities were assuredly little less than intolerable.’ He was right. And now what can I do for you?” ‘* Lend me half-a-crown,”’ I replied, from force of habit. To my surprise he produced the coin, and, fora moment, I thought he was about to present it to me. However, the shrewd common — N the man conquered, and he replaced it in his waistcoat pocket. ** You will pardon me, but, to please a dear little niece of mine, aged five, I promised never to put my name on a bill of exchange, ont never to lend a sixpence to any one. I am unwilling to deceive er teaching of the Cabmen, I soon learned good, strong, ** Well, if you will not do me this trifling favour,” I replied, a ge vexed, ‘‘ perhaps you will reveal the secret of your future policy.” ‘* With pleasure,” returned Signor Crispr, promptly ; “but [| must rely on your discretion to tell no one save the readers of your | paper. If you cannot give me that assurance, I must be, as we say in Italy, as dumb as a plum-pudding, and as reticent as a mince vie.” I gave the required assurance. ** Now I can tell you what I propose todo. As you are aware, We have a secret treaty with Russia (the Emperor WiLt1aM brought it from St. Petersburg, as a present for me, in his portmanteau) an relying upon this we shall insult France next month so grossly that we are sure to be nicely at war with her by Christmas. Consequently I would advise you to sell for the fall.” ** Most interesting,” I murmured, “‘ and now tell me about England. I think you were in London ?” : ‘Only for a short time—six months. But I admired your city. Your Vauxhall Bridge Road was magnificent ! ”’ ** Did you see any of the buildings,—monuments ?” ; ‘Why, certainly, yes. Your Victoria Station was not then built, but your Lambeth Suspension Bridge was splendid! ” ** Where did you lunch ?” ’ “ Ata baker’s. I used to buy a crumpet, soak it well in water, and ot it. . was penny on vy 4 . ‘** Yes—and could you speak the language ? : ‘Only a few words. ‘Cabman, you are a thief—I will not pay you your fare!’ This sentence was electric, and, thanks = al orcibie | —— |

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Qotomen 27, 1888. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 19. 19, wife charmed ought, know g Lord mm the ing to when culous | iptibie | ing > been >unch, | or one | kering | ye | Lord | hee >? regres a THE GRAND OLD STUMPER AND HIS OFFSHOOTS. Enel; : T ali mie , ed the latest edition of the Comic E » FF hly understand the value of the _ The Italian Premier then produced the a cr rn nes “of ee, Ope Soneliel oom hes the rudi- Blackstone, which I assured him would indeed be of infinite service ments of ing.” to him. be a re Do you take any interest in our country, now that youhaveso . ‘‘ And now I must leave you, as the King has 4 bbe for much to do in your own Parliament ?” I pl de me for the last hour and a half. You will forgive me for loc king up » Assuredly oo ” he replied. “When our journalistic colleague the side-board, but it contains not only spirits, but some valuable cal) ed him Mr. , ment Bill, which plate.” ergo se ateate i |g Pages aie ewer er, [have And thus the interview ended. Two minutes a ‘ hae & > determined to udecetand t po have procured to assist me in that street, carrying with me a strange umbrella, a A ad ewan endeavour this beautifully ilinstrated work, which I am told is your | secured as a memento of my very interesting visit. vay , standard authority on all matters of law.” that umbrella ever since!

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——— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Octoper 27, 1888.

Prarer - Book RECKLESS WRECKERS. Revistow. — Mr. : , é; . Rosert Fowren| % the first night of the re-opening of the St. James’s Theatre, will probably be under the management of the Rev. Mr. Rurtanp Banrntyoroy, invited to join | there seems to have been a row. Some this Committee. | unprofessional critics in_the gallery | His department | objected to something that Mr. CLEMENT will be to bring Scort, the able critic, attached deeply outanew Psalter. to the Daily Telegraph, had written “as about ** Vshena rae ae —— | to prove how unprejudiced they were, ae Kat, j and how quietly they could behave, the « at the “yr | Wreckers in the gallery, who resented nts of Than glowing praise or glorious monument. 4 _ ve pe filed with stlowecd eeayont” heen he. ae . Pi 5 , Stes seating a ut 4 Apr 4 Mog bed . — ne » | pocket, and go and watch the’metiod of the Pastellist of the Pave- AN APPEAL TO THE PUBLIC. : | ment, who brings his chalks in the morning, and walks his chalks Last Thursday Sir Anruvr SULLIVAN gave an amusing and | off in the evening. He is indeed a “‘ worker in the dry,” and instructive lecture at the Birmingham and Midland Institute on | ‘‘ moisture is the greatest foe he has to fear,” for a shower of rain Music. Why on Music? How perverse! Why there are a number | causes him and his colours to run er. The only brush he is of subjects of which he is utterly ignorant, and on which, therefore, | likely to have is one with the police, but this is very rare, as the he could have lectured with far more benefit to himself at all events. | Pastellist of the Pavement is inoffensive and industrious. The Art But Sir Arruvr is unselfish, and so he told them how, in the/ is, from the nature of the case, low, but when the Pastellist of the course of his cramming at the British Museum, he had come across | Pavement has arrived at a certain pitch—a good one in a respectably a picture dated 866 a.p. of ‘‘a concert consisting of a six-string | frequented thoroughfare—there he sticks, and never gets beyond it. harp, a four-string fiddle, a trumpet, and a crooked horn. | aaesemene Cunously enough,” continued Sir Arruur, triumphantly, “‘ this is, | with the exception of the horn, exactly the same combination of j A

| “Coon as a Cucumper.”—In the Times of last Thursday, Mr. Joa instruments that we see nearly every Saturday night playin out- | Frxvcaxr wrote a letter indignantly denying that in a speech at side a London public-house.” Ahem! ‘‘ We see.” Who are| ‘‘ Windygap”—(number of blusterous speeches made at many Windy- “we”? The three Savoyards, Witty 8. G., D’Oyvry Carrey of | gaps all over the country and by men of all sorts and tions of Killaloe, and the eminent leeturer ? Not ‘every Saturday night,” | parties)—he had told the blacksmiths to shoe the landgrabbers but ‘‘nearly every Saturday night.” ‘‘ Playing outside;” then | horses and “drive the nails into the quick.”” He wrote at a white “we” see them on coming out, eh? This is the consequence of | heat from “‘ Coole House, Caherelly, County Limerick.” But if an admission, a free admission. A hearty yote of thanks was | anyone’ s residence should be styled “Coole Honse,” it should be accorded to Sir Anruur for his address, in which he gave sound | that of the Irish Secretary, who is “‘ coolas a cucumber.” How some advice to his hearers, and had a kind and generous for every- | of the Nationalist ‘‘ Coolies” would like to give Cucumber Barrocr body of note in the musical profession. a dressing with a taste of his own vinegar and plenty of pepper:

uy NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any descripticn, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by s Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this there will be no exception.

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Page 278

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Page 279

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemerr 3, 1888,

COMPLETION.

BRITANNICA. COMPLETION OF THE ENCYCLOPADIA BRITANNICA. VOLUME XXIV. (Ura—Zym) will be published this month.

A. & C. BLACK TENERIFE AND ITS SIX SATELLITES ; Or, The Canary Islands, Past sad Proesest. By OLIVIA M, STONE, Author Norway in June.” VOL. 1.—Tenerife, Parma, Gomera, Hierro; VOL, Il —Greae Canaria, Puerteventurs, Lanzarote. Fach Volume complete im iterlf, with Maps and lieeettions. The Volumes may be bought sepe- rately, price Zl». cach MARCUS WAKD & ©O., Leurren, Leadon, Beitast and New York av THOK'S AUTOGRAPH EDITION MISS BRADDON'S NOVELS Price &, 64., cloth gilt, MS BRADDON'S NOVELS. London The whole of the Novels always ready A}! Bookstalis, and Bookse Edinburgh

or Grurarm, Manemact & Co. lers, and Libraries. CHEAP EDITION OF MI88 BRADDON'S NOVEL* Price 2. picture ver, 2. 64. cloth gilt LIKE and UNLIKE: a Novel. By yd Author of “Lady Audley'’s Secret, * Vinen Like an Uniike’ te by far the most effective of Miss braddon's stories." —Tan Trues London: Semrain, Manoua A “MISS BRADDON'S ANNUAL. THE MISLETOE BOUGH. PKICKR ONE SHILLING Tilustrated with Porty Original Drawings. “ The lacgest, the best, and the most popu'ar Annual of the Ag London: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL. & CO LONDON MUSIC PUBLISHING COMPANY'S SUCCESSES: Loves GOLDEN DREAM. Spiendidl Ry Taro Rowneva Tiustrated Thies most charming Waits become the Success of the Beason and the rage of London) = Pe: formed with ove: whelming applause at all the Exhivitions, Promenade Con certs, &c,, Bs, Bet. Band and military parte now ready Loxspow Messe Preceentee Company (Limited), . Great Marlbe oropeh Street Co

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 205 November 3, 1888.] led rch Avenue ply to the oe dd & SOAP. I$’ h Colonel Slyboots, M.P. ‘‘S0 SORRY TO LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE AT | Mcpsoro’, M¥ LOVE; BUT DUTY WILL COMPEL ME TO BE AT MY POST AT WESTMINSTER FOR THE AUTUMN Session, you KNow. So DULL | 1N TowN WITHOUT you, TOO,” Mrs. S. “* Poor pean! Ten I1’Li accompany you, My ANorL!” Colonel §. “On, ON NO ACCOUNT. WOULDN'T HEAR oF IT!” CATCHING THE EARLY BOAT. In Bed ; at the Highland Hotel, Oban.—What an extraordinary | thing is the mechanism of the human mind! Went to sleep last , night impressed with vital importance of waking at six, to catch S | early steamer to Gairloch. here I am—broad awake—at exactly P 5°55! Is it automatic aetion, or what’ Like setting clockwork for explosive machine. When time comes, I blow up—I mean, get up. Think out this simile—rather a good one... Need not have been so particular in telling Boots to call me, after all. Shall I get | up before he comes? He’ rather surprised when he knocks at the door, and hears me singing inside like a lark. But, on reflec- tion, isn’t it rather petty to wish to astonish an Hotel Boots? And why on earth should I get up myself, when I’ve tipped another fellow to get me up? But su he forgets to call me. I’ve no right, as yet, to assume that he will. To get up now would argue v7 | want of confidence in him—might hurt his feelings. I will give Brow | him another five minutes, poor fellow . . . de Pun Getting Up.—No actual necessity to get up yet, but, to make i bettie assurance doubly—something or other, forget what—I will I do. Portmanteau rather refractory ; retreats under bed—quite ten minutes before I can coax it out... When I have, it won't let me * na it. That’s the worst of this breed of brown portmanteaus ,; ~they’re always nasty-tempered 3 degrees. Very annoying—as fast as I put things into it now, b | them in, this confounded portmantean shoots them out again! IN \don | I’ve put in that pair of red and white striped pyjamas once, I've | done it twenty times—and they always come twisting and rolling — | out at the bark, somehow. Fortunate I left myself ample time. Man next door to me is running it rather fine. He has to catch the boat, too, and he’s not u ! Hear the Boots hammering away at his door. How can a fellow, just for the sake of a few more minutes in bed—which he won’t even know he’s Aad /—go and risk losing his steamer in that way ? Tll do him a good turn—knock at e | vou, xc, However, I am getting a few) If | the wall myself. ‘Hi! get up, you lazy beggar. Look sharp you ll be late!’ He thanks me, in a muffled tone, through the wall. He is a remarkably quick dresser, he tells me—it won't take him thirty-five seconds to pack, dress, pay his bill, and get on board, If that’s the case, I don’t see why J should hurry. I’ve got much more than that a/ready. P At the Quay.—People in Oban stare a good deal. Can't quite make out reason, unless they're surprised to find me up so early Explain that I got up without having even been called. Oban popu lace mildly nh ae and offer me neckties— Why Fine steamer this; has a paddle-wheel at both ends the Captain explains, ‘‘ she ins not only to go to Gairloch back as well.” > First-rate navigator, the Captain; he has written my weight, the date of my last birthday, and the number of the house I live in, down in a sort of ledger he keeps. He does this with all his passengers, |he tells me, reduces the figures to logarithms, and alle out the | ship’s course in decimals. No idea there was so much science in | modern seamanship. | On Board.—Great advantage of being so early is that you can breakfast quietly on deck before starting. Have mine on bridge of steamer, under awning ; everything very good—ham-méringues excellent, No coffee, but, instead, a capital brand of dry sparkling marmalade, served, sailor-fashion, in small pomatum-pots. What a small world we live in! Of all people in the world, who should be sitting next to me but my Aunt Maria! I was always under the impression that she had died in my infancy. Don’t like to mention this, because if I am wrong, she might be offended. But if she did die when I was a child, she ought to be a much older woman than she looks. I do tell her this—because it is really a compliment. | My Aunt evidently an experienced traveller, never travels, she informs me, without a pair of globes and a lawn-mower. She offers ** because,” hut come ‘| very kindly, to lend me the Celestial globe, if the weather is at all windy. This is behaving like an Aunt! Weare taking in live-stock ; curious-looking creatures, like spotted pus-dogs (only bigger and woollier, of course) and without horns. mebody leaning over the rail, next to me (I think he is the Publio Prosecutor, but am not quite sure), tells me they are ‘‘ Scotch Short- breads.” Agreeable man, but rather given to staring. Didn’t observe it before, but my Aunt is really amazingly like Giapstone. Ask her to explain this. She is much distressed that I have noticed it; says she has felt it coming on for some time; it is not, as she justly complains, as if she took any interest in politics either. She has consulted every doctor in London, and they all tell her it is simply weakness, and she will outgrow it with care. Singu- lar case—must find out (delicately) whether it’s catching. We ought to be starting soon ; feel quite fresh and lively, in spite of having got up so early. Mention this to Captain. Wish he and the Public Prosecutor wouldn't stare at me so. Just as if there was something singular in my appearance ! They ’re embarking my portmanteau now. Knew they would have a lively time of it! It takes, at least, four sailors, in kilts, to manage it. Ought I to step ashore and quiet it down’ Stay where I am. Don’t know why, but feel a little afraid of it when it’s like this Shall exchange it for a quiet hand-bag when I get home. | Captain busy hammering at a hole in the funnel—dangerous place to spring a leak in—hope he is making it watertight. The hammering | reminds me of that poor devil in the bedroom next to mine at the | Hotel. He won't catch the boat now—he can’t! My Aunt (who has | left off looking like Mr. Giapstonr) asks me why I am laughing. I | tell her about that unfortunate man and his ‘‘ thirty-five seconds.” | She screams with laughter. Very humorous woman, my Aunt. | Deck crowded with passengers now : all pointing and staring... }at whom? Ask Aunt Maza. She declines to tell me: says, severely, that, ‘‘ If I don’t know, I ought to.” ; | Great Heavens! it’s at me they’re staring! And no wonder—in ‘the hurry I was in, I must have packed everything up! . . . I’ve come away just as I was! Now I understand wey someone offered Ime a necktie. Where shall I go and hide myself? Shall I ever | persuade that beast of a portmanteau to give me out one or two things to put on—because I really can’t go about like this! Captain | still hammering at funnel—but he can't wake that sleepy-headed idiot in the next room. ‘* Louder—knock louder, or the boat will go | without him! Tell him there isn’t another for two days. He’s said good-bye to everybody he knows at Oban—he will look such an ass if he doesn’t go, after all!” ... Not the least use! Wonder what his name is. My Aunt says she knows, only she won't tell me—she’ll whisper it, as a great secret. She is just about to disclose the name, which, somehow, I am extremely curious to know—when... . Where am I? Haven't they got that pubsppy fellow up yet? Why the dickens are the Mew Bo at my door? I’ve been on board the steamer for hours, [ tell you! Eh? what? Five minutes to eight! And the Gairloch boat? ‘‘Sniled at usual time—seven. Tried to make you hear—but couldn’t.”.... Confound it all! Good mind not to get up all day—now!

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ee [Novemper 3, 1888, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. een y/s w/ AS eS QW, o. “" v—_, + VMS OY, ~ANs ss » ae _->)J “mah. a Tt ~ BARBARIANS AT PLAY. ‘ PLay FourpaLL, BY ALL MEANS, MY Boy Tay ss = ~BUT DON'T LET IT BE THIS Brutau Sort or Taine |” A NATIONAL GAME; Or, What it seems likely to be coming to, Miptanp Yanoos vy. Norra Country Savaces. Tuese two formidable and ferocious teams were both powerfull represented yesterday in the first match of the season that came o: at the Subscription Grounds under the Thugby Association Rules, when, owing to their well-known deadly tactics, the afternoon's play was expected to be more than usually prolific in the fatalities an accidents now commonly considered inseparable from any well con- tested 1. atch, and the takings for gate-money were enormous. The Strangers had the kick off, and upon Sarrn, for the Home team, |securing the ball, and making a very pretty run with it down centre, he encountered Jones, who, taking a well-timed and vigorous spring, mounted on his neck, when by an adroit twist, crackin spine, he obli od, him to pom - The bal was then — rapidly towards the Strangers’ where a spirited scrimmage ensu- ion, feow w and Ropinson, the -backs, speedily had their thighs dislocated amidst a general breaking of arms and cracking of ribs. Some brilliant combinations now followed on the part of the Home team. Parxrnsox, who had already had his jaw broken, and 4 blood-vessel ruptured, being, however, ob to use his hands, a proceeding which instantly brought Joxgs into his neighbourhood, —

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Novemper 3, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 207 f i "HO A | | 444 fj / } Wi yp iba” Ws y) » 4 Gf “A WORD IN i oye y WY, Wy naa, yp * Ne Y) GAT Ny ) y ae Md SEASON,” &c. ‘‘ NEVER MIND, MEASTER!—vUr Ye Gers AGEN, You wor wWeery NIGH OrF THAT TIME!” who, once more successfully the spine, and left his seco within a few minutes of the calling of time, and thirteen ome team being, more or less, seriously disabled, while only four of the Strangers were left to limp to their places, the Umpire decided that the game was over for the day, and th of the injured men were forthwith removed to the f the ground on stretchers. repeating his famous leap, again cracked at aa dead upon the field. It being e majority ocal Hospital from A riot among the betting fraternity, who were attending the match in great numbers, that at one moment threatened to imperil the peace of the locality, was eventually quelled by the Police. Newspaper Correspondent, ‘Ropert” say to such . It seems that King Humpert was kept on the b grin by the Kaiser's witticisms and practical jokes. Amongst the latter ; admirable jest of preventing Prince Henry of Prussia from seeing a passing torped This mirth-provoking plaisanterie, according to the journalistic larcon, caused His Majesty of Italy to explode with laughter. | a record of some of the other quaint con- ILLIAM THE Seconp has been preserved, from which the phs are extracted :— k.—Prince Hewry having cut his finger to eat peas with a carving-knife (after the German ustrious Brother thrust a couple of inches of sea-snake ‘*What have you done that for?” asked want to make it ‘eel!’ was the witty Count Hersert Vow Bismarck (who was in attendance) with merriment for more than an hour. ‘onsommé-ate Wit.—The when by suddenly jogging His caused some of the savoury following short para 4 Rather Fishy over the wounded . Royal Micke a THROUGH AN IMPERIAL HORSE-COLLAR. _Ir appears that during the German Emperor's visit to Naples a Sopa as a walter (what would our own a k?), was present at an Imperial o-boat by pushing him back into his seat. Ries of Iraty was taking some soup, ajesty’s arm the German Emperor uid to trace a potines upon the Royal that for? Do you know what you e?” inquired the Italian Monarch, rather hotly. ‘* I owes the soup,” replied the German Emperor, in excellent English. “*T soup owes!” Count Von Bismarck (who was in at ce) had to swallow a table-cloth to suppress smiling. Butter and Butter.—Before leaving Naples the Emperor got up early, and, running to the apartments reserved for his Royal host, lastered the passage in their immediate neighbourhood with butter. he Crown Prince, slipping down, sprained his ankle, and ae)! declared that he did not like butter-slides so early in the morning. “‘ see,” responded Witt1amM THE Seconp, *‘ butter late than never!” Count Von Brsmarcx (who was in attendance) commenced dancing a saraband to conceal his merriment. Grimaldi Outdone.—At the Review at Rome the German Emperor rode rather a restive charger. His Majesty, being an indifferent horseman, was soon thrown into the midst of the Italian Royal Family, occupying a barouche. pmeeey recovering his com- sure, he made a grimace, and exclaimed, using the Imperial lural, ‘‘ Here We are again!” Count Von Bismarck (who was in attendance) stood upon his head, as a token of silent sympathy. From the above it will be seen that, should it be considered advis- | able to produce a Pantomime in Berlin next Christmas, at the Im- | | perial Court, there will be no difficulty in procuring a thoroughly | | efficient amateur Clown. ‘‘Sotvirurn Sreamenpo.”—Ten days ago Sir Evw-xp W-TxK-N sailed for India in the P, & O. Arcadia. In Arcadia there is much to be learnt, and the Great Railway Arcadian is anxious, we hear, to ascertain by personal inspection how it ha s that the Mails are carried distances up to 12,000 miles, , such is the excessive punctuality, always delivered before, not after, time by the *‘P. & O., Weather or no” (as one of their own P. and Oects sings), with a view of applying the same system on the 8. E.R. Yes, 8S. E.R. No more late trains! A Prorest.—Our “‘ Rosgert” wishes it to be publicly known that his surname is not Ersmere. ‘‘ This Hersween,” he writes, * is, as I ear, a clergyman, and I may ave bin mistook for im, on account of simmerlarrity of kostoom, wich is a kumplerment to the revvrunt gent in henny case.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Me. J. L ‘ T-Le AND Mr. Osc-n W-L-pk, abort FasnHion ow Nov. Stn Lorn R. G wW-R * Men's Dages embroidered trousers this season, the first ste embellishment of masculine attire.” Daily News. Lornp Mayor Torprrepo (Etzcr), rue New STYLe, AND LEAD THE If it be true, as announced, that men are going to wear will be taken towards a further | | Again let Yeoman. Did’st thou not, oh, Leowarnp Meryiu! Standard iost in last campaign, Rescue it at deadly peril — Bear it bravely back again ? Chorus —L8ONARD Mery Lt, at his peril Bore it bravely back again !"’ | Is this so very much above the level of the celebrated “ eagle’ who |‘ played with” (and attempted to rhyme to) ‘‘the sea-gull!” Is it anything like as good as the old nursery jingle— * There was a little girl Who had a little curl Which hung down the middle of her orehead, And when she was good She was very, very good ; But when she was bad, she was horrid!” | Mr. Grrzert as a lyrist is not altogether unlike that illustrious young lady. Atany rate, when he is good—as in most of the Bab | Ballads and many of his Operas—he is very, very good. Like his own Point, be has ‘“‘ a pretty mt ot in ent at peat seme very chary of exercising it. e doubtless can “jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you,” only he doesn’t; though he does ‘ wrack | you’ with bad verse, and ‘‘ riddie you” with forced rhymes, ¢.g. :-— “* Joyful, joyful ! * Fate all flowery When virginity Bright and bowery Seeks, all coyfil Is her dowery! Man’s affinity ; Joyful, joyful!” | But, after all, it is not Mr. Grupesr whom I, as a playgoer, have | to pick a bone with, but his fulsome ‘‘ Critics.” Mr. GILBERT must, A PLAYGOER’S PROTEST. Dean Mr. Ponca, Iam n ybody, or @ librettist. upan pay’. and the criticisms which puzzle me exceedingly. So far as I can gather slaughtering, or the fulsome gush. the ridiculous. am also a great flavour of the treat in store for me. t carefully Of cours the Yeome M f the Guard, Gitperr at his best, Sciitvanw better than ever! lmost bound to | hoice literary banquet, Were as a carrion ’s ery To lullaby : Such as I'd sing to thee, Were I thy bride!” lf this is not nonsense, I am a Dutchman. Dutchman. printer’s error. Another Critic, in a weekly review “she be,” as though they constituted ** spinach.” in having such lyrics as these to set to music. Here be specimens :— “ Here 's a man of jollity, Gabe, joke, jollify 4 Give us of your quality Come fool, follify ! Into it we throw Soeute , What in the name of metre gone mad és it ? not even a Critic. Still less am I a dramatist I am simply a playgoer, and a reader of criticisms And there are some matters concerning both the plays certain Critics seem to have two ways of lealing with a man who has made a shining, and espegially a sudden, decide which is the more offensive, the splenetic I am a lover of all sorts and conditions of music, ‘* from grave, from lively to severe,” I may almost say from the sublime to ag mirer of Mr. Gripert’s peculiar humour, especially when it is wedded to Sir Arnruur SULLIVAN’s music, You may imagine, therefore, that I anticipate with immense pe the production of a new piece at the Savoy. I do not go to irst Nights, but I eagerly scan the Press notices of the new piece with a view of tasting, as it were, in advance the quintessentia And if I can obtain a copy it the Opera before seeing the performance itself, I do so, and read , therefore, I promptly perused the Press Criticisms of What a promising consensus of praise! The music was | good; in the libretto I should have expected a if the admiring Critics had not made the | mistake of quoting. Then—well, then, I began to have my d ubts. One Critic ina Sunday paper, for instance, was generally lauda- | tory. Coming to particulars, he quoted with approbation the lines :— | “ The rose’s sigh But I am not a) It may be that Mr. Grrpert here is the victim of a But the Critic praised the lines as they are printed ! quoted in brackets the words a marvellously original and humorous rhyme to‘ Pages.” He might almost as well have praised the novel coupling of ‘‘love” and “‘dove,” or the selection (by a post-Ingoldsby poet) of ‘‘ Greenwich” as perfectly antiphonetic to ‘ A third congratulates Sir ARTHUR on his good fortune |°°™Plete transformation was effected. Such lyrics as these ? “ River none can mollify;— | Fool who doesn’t follify, Cock who doesn’t crow! ’’ | it this be not the merest doggerel with rhymes as forced as they long ago, have cynically laughed in his jester’s sleeve at these adu- | latory notices of his work. One can imagine what a brilliantly bitter Bab Ballad he could make of it all. The work, we were told in advance, with a considerable flourish of critical trumpets, was to be ‘“‘a new departure.” departure from the land of Topsy-turvy wherein Gitpert and Suttivan have so long disported taemselves, and wherein they worked so harmoniously, and with so much success. it? Serio-comic romantic a ogg Possibly. But if so, the “de- parture” cannot aprropeaeiey be called ‘‘new.” I agree with have been down upon him for filching the essence of Maritana. As it was, they very mildly accused, profusely exeu vagantly “enthused.” However, we are transferred from imaginary Topsy-turvydom to the historical Tudor period. There is not very much of the Tudor style about the dialogue; there is even less about the lyrics :— * Tower wardera Under orders Gallant pikemen, valiant sworders ! ay to ** Ne’er a stranger There to danger — Each was o’er the world a ranger: To the story Of our glory Each a bold contributory !” Somehow this does not smack very strongly of the days of bluff King Hat, does it? That, perhaps, would not much matter, were | it flowing or funny ; but it isn’t. | Enough. Ihave not yet seen the piece. I have no doubt that when I do, I shall enjoy the music and be pleased with the ensemble. But dealing with the libretto as a production for which the Critics have claimed considerable literary merit, what 7s one to think—of | the Critics ? Yours, &e. PLAYGOER. Brave in bearing Foemen scaring In their bygone deeds of daring, Maaic any Mysrery.—The following extraordinary circumstance is vouched for by several eye-witnesses of unimpeachable veracity. | A tall man of respectable exterior, with a pale face, dark moustache, and a peculiarly saturnine cast of countenance, was observed walking | down a street leading out of the Strand. For obvious reasons we suppress the name of the street pending further inquiry. Stopping for a minute in close proximity to a lamp-post, he plunged both hands into his trousers’ pockets. A sudden gleam was seen to illuminate his countenance ; he was heard to mutter some words, which were probably cabalistic, and then suddenly turned into a public~house: The Psychological Society has been communicated with, and M. B. pe Korta, the inventor of the Vanishing Lady and the Pavilion Cocoon, has undertaken to find out how this marvellously rapid and Aveustus DRURIOLANUS hopes to purchase the patent for his Christmas Pantomime. Ur anp Dowyn.—The — calls Eh te the fact thet Land which is “ going down” in Eng ‘going up Australia. Well, there are in the world where Land seems to be continually ‘‘ going up,’ such as Japan and other volcanic districts ; but whether many speculators would be eager to invest 12 , and extra- | the consequent ‘‘ ground rents” is another question. It is certainly a | But what is | success. The one is to “ slate” him with unmeasured iciousness, | your ‘Jack 1x tHe Box” that, had any other writer announced the other to beslaver him with indiscriminate praise. It is rather | the libretto as ‘‘new and original,” the Critics to a man would | difficult to [Novemaer 3, 1888, | |

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NovemBer 3, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 209 ‘Captain Gleadall, of the “White Star” Cine IN MEMORIAM, “ Many an old voyager across the herring-pond will be sorry to hear of the awfully sudden death of that staunch veteran shipmaster, Captain GueADALL, of the ‘ White Star’ Line, who for ten years had the Celtic, and later commanded that favourite ship the Germanic. Captain GLEADALL died at the post of duty: he was found seated in the Germanic’s chart-room when the ship was running through a fog, his face prone on the open chart he had been studying when the life had suddenly gone out of him. During his long and worthy sailor life he had rescued a number of lives, and had received recogni- | tions of his courage and humanity from almost every maritime nation of Europe and America.”— The World, Oct. 23, 1888. Suppen, yet splendid too! What fitter end Can faney fashion for the brave old tar, All his long life with wind and wave at war, The Ocean-crosser’s trusty guide and friend, Keen-eyed to mark, stout-hearted to contend, With every danger of the treacherous deep ? So might we all, who life’s long watch must keep, i 4 gorile our fet menstaia spend : ike LEADALL, ing well our part To the last wi Tot of our he But of the great ship’s course considerate ; Humanity’s loyal servants, high of heart, Content the t dismissal to await, And fall at face forward on the chart ! PLAY-TIME WITH FRENCH ROYALTY. Ox Thursday last I went to see Le Fils de Famille, in order to compare M, LaronTaIne as the Abbé Constantin with Mr. Laron- TAINE as Alphonse Deshayes, Colonel of a regiment of Lancers. He does not — till the fecond Act, and then he comes en bourgeois to a ball. Not a trace of the kindly genial . simple old Abbé about this stiff- backed elderly martinet, who is every ‘| inch a soldier, and whose bearing is ~ that of a man who has risen from the ranks, and who is nothing if nota soldier. I may be wrong in supposing that he has risen from the ranks, but certainly his comparatively uneas bearing in ‘‘ Society,” his awkwa compromise between a gracious bow and a short, sharp, military nod, and his hearty grasp of the hand when he wishes to Ss a his cordial - agreement with M. Francois, the Artist, gave me this ry ; and the sentiments the authors have put into his mouth concerning the well- 3 ~ born prodigals, ‘‘ ces enfants mal, ‘ae Dean’s Treat, Gobo. Hevés.” who put on a uniform as a disguise, and then wish to take it off again as though it were un costume de Carnaval, co: me in my view of the character. In this Second Act M. Larontarne is perfect ; with the enoeation of exsqqerading and repeating the business of his characteristic bow, merely for the sake of obtaining a laugh from the feather-headed. In the Third Act M, Larontaine, with great judgment, shows the old soldier quite at home in undress and in full uniform. The awkwardness has entirely disappeared, not a trace of his forced society manner” exists, and there we get a hint of that natural kindliness common to the good hearts of the Colonel and the Curé. Occasionally a mannerism of utterance reminded me of the Abbé, but it was only a momentary family resemblance, which I was on the look-out to detect. I hope, before his departure, that on one night he will give us an Act of L’ Abbé Constantin, followed by the Second Act of Le Fils de Famille. Mile. Jane Mar is lacking in the quality of earnestness that alone could make the girl’s part interesting. She seems to consider Emme- line as a heroine of ique, and that the authors themselves have not got much beyond this | am not prepared to deny, but it is just one of those ar that the pathetic power of an actress should ift above itself. Scurry gives a broadly humorous sketch of a French maréchal de logis. He is rather inclined to ex te, as if he were laying Ve ine i Petit Faust, but there is true in low comedy in his Supemeneioan of the type. In M, Liro 8 impersonations of the Abbé and the Colonel is to be seen a very near approach to the perfection of the comedian’s art: cal on, thd Aeetieio anes to aie en ohetion exameine of the worst fault of the French school of acting, Vis-» the actor insisting on points by addressing his speeches point- at the audience. Now that M. Scurry has arrived, couldn’t we have Tricoche et Cacolet again? CHavmont and Noset are coming with Divorcons. En attendant, M. Lavontarne is to appear in Le Gentil- homme Pauvre, It ought to be a very fine performance. JRAN DANS LE Loar. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Pustisuep by Warrraker & Co., with two ‘‘t’s,”—not that benefactor of society, Wurraker, the Almanack Maker and universal intelligence provider,—is a volume, well got up and clearly printed, of the selected poems and of Cuartes Mackay, “the Briti on eS Bicenger,” as Dovetas JeRRoip styled *~ him. It was only lately that some one ° was recalling to the public mind, in aid of a Mackay Fund, that JerRowp’s B. B.” is the author of * Cheer, Boys, |, Cheer!” ‘* There’s a Good Time coming, Boys!” ‘‘ To the West!” “* Far, far upon the Sea!” which were all associated with the name of Henry . : RussEtt, whose music gave them an “ pea ae immense popularity. Uutextunately, Based on solid principles. Mr. Words goes for very little where Mr. Music steps in, and Mr. Music gets all the credit which should be divided between Messrs. Words and Music, Certainly this class of songs would not have obtained their success without such music as Henry Russet composed for them, And then the Composer, who was a capital entertainer and pianist, sang them himself, with no voice to speak of, but, all the same, most heartily, and with great dramatic skill. But Cartes Mackay has written songs that require no singing to recommend them, and ballads that suggest their own music ; as for instance, “* Geraldine,” “ The Angel and the Mourners,” ‘* The Wayside Spring,” “ The Dream of the Reveller,” “ The Fair Serpent,” “ I ae my Love,” * I lay in Sorrow,” which doesn't seem a very stock to “ lay in,”—but read the two verses. (et the book. He is not a Tewxyson nor a Broww1ne ; it is all simple versification ; nothing abstruse, subtle, or obscure; yet plenty of food for thought, and much that will ‘‘ catch on” and be remembered, says the Baron De Book Worms, A CIGAR CASE. “Miss Macorr Locknzap WATson brought an action for £500 against Mr. Wriu1aM Kirx ann, because he failed to marry her. KiekLAnD, who was a smoker, received a letter from his sweetheart, the plaintiff, in which she stated, ‘ You must choose between me and a cigar.’ He selected a cigar instead of Miss Watson, and hence the action. The Sheriff Substitute decided in KrnKLANp’s favour, and yesterday the Sheriff Principal upheld that judgment.’’—Daily News. Don’t you consider, sweet Miss Macare Lockngap Watson, that some one showed himself a blockhead For choosing thus? If this be true we read, It must have been a choice cigar indeed ; And the cigar, now, was it new and green And soft ? as it Imperial or Queen ? For if it was all these, then he won’t thank His lucky stars, for ‘* his offence was rank.’ Did it look light, seductive to the lip, Or was it very rich, with a fine tip’ So, was it rank or wealth that this choice weed Embodied? Well, the parties are both freed. Let ’s trust that this Cigar no heart hath broke, Not new that sanguine hopes should end in smoke. Wuisrer vrom THE GareTy.—‘In the time of CHAkLES THE Szconp,” wrote a D. 7. leader on Dress last Saturday, ‘* it was a dis- grace for a man of fashion to wear a suit too long.” Observed S-ms to P-rr-tr, in the absence of their nnical Stage M: r, ‘It isn’t considered a digrace in the time of Caantes THE Tuk for burlesque actresses to wear a suit too short.” ‘* Hush!” said his partner, ** he comes! We must dissemble!” { They dissemble accordingly. Pro Bouyno Pustico.—Our friend BorrowpaLe, whose library is composed exclusively of books which have been lent to him at various times during his long and honourable career, humorously calls them ‘* Bone’s Editions.” Tue Duke of Wesrminster, one of London’s greatest landlords, is now created a tenant, in fact the only Lord Left Tenant of the County of London, by the Local Government Act. £

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — [Novemper 3, 1888, SOCIAL AGONIES. (Brit awful Bore, after protracted Visit.) “On, Wittiam! How UN@ENIALLY You saip ‘ How ‘Yes, InDEED, Para! AND OH, HOW EFFUSIVELY YoU BADE HIM (oop-BYE!” THE MENACING MONSTER, A Dream of the Day After To-morrow. “ The formation of the great Association for a monopoly in salt is likely to mitators, and it is now said that the formation of a gigantic monopol, with a capital of eighty millions, is under consideration. This wi'! ably be followed by similar combinations to control iron, cotton, woollen, | ther manufactures. Hitherto it has been fondly believed that the growth: | rogress of English trade was chiefly due to a wholesome competition it seema, is to come to an end, and the American system of monopolies | tuke the place of the English system of competition.” —Standard. Tar Day of Big Things was approaching its noon ;— Its dawn had first glimmered across the Atlantic) Each trade had swelled out like a Monster Balloon, (nd nothing was noticed that was not Gigantic, Things seemed to hark back to the morning of time, When Monsters and Mud were Creation’s chief features. When sixty-foot saurians revelled in slime, With Mastodons, Mammoths, and other huge creatures. The Mammoth, indeed, seemed the type of the age, _ Which was ruled by the love of the simply colossal. To have a Big Boom was the general rage, _And every m=zn’s dream was to “‘ run” or to “‘ boss” all. There were some who were silly enough to inquire The probable goal of this curious tendency ; But most were contented to share—or admire— r'he Day of Big Things in its blazing resplendency. And as for the Small Things—they went to the wall, For people or plans not cxteumely Titanic Were — considered *‘ not in it at all,” And snubbed with a scorn which was ultra-Germanic. Ah me, the Big Booms! That got bigger each day, _ The monopolist ** Rings,” like the circles in water, Grew wider, and swallowed up all in their way, Of shops and small firms there was general slaughter. “"y po?’ To poor Proressor BLOKER The millions of Naboths had never a chance Against the few Ahabs, whose numbers still dwindled ; The ** Trusts” piped the tune, and the victims must dance; They had nothing to do but to stare and be swindled. That was not the word that was used, to be sure, To prig on so spanking a scale is not prigging, But—well, say ‘* financing” with motives quite pure, Or controlling the market by ringing or rigging. Conspiracy ’ Nay, that is not quite the word rhat only applies to malign combinations Against— vat say Rent,—which are wrong and absurd ; But to keep up high prices by smart “‘ operations ” In salt or in iron, in coal or in wool, Is plainly legitimate pulling together. For who would protest, save a poor well-plucked fool, Against the snug flocking of birds of a feather ? ‘* Strikes ? Well, they were rascally ruinous things, For they kept down fortunes by keeping up wages. ’Twixt Labour’s Trade Unions and Capital’s Rings The fight was prolonged, but no longer it rages.”’ So chuckled Monopoly, cock of the — Once more on the death of that plague, Competition. The new Mammoth, Mammon, witb saurian stalk, The Colossus of Cash in plethorie condition, Like dragons primeval, were lords of the time ; They battened and browsed on the best: as to others, For them ’twas enough to be trampled to slime, In poverty equal, in death only brothers. O glorious epoch! O outcome divine Of that Spirit of Trade which sublimes our humanity ! Its heaven the Market ; the Loom and the Mine Its ladders to opulence ; all else is vanity. To paddle one’s own poor canoe might seem fun In Trade’s earlier days of competitive rivalry. But oh! when the Many give place to the One, Competition must go, like good-feeling and chivalry. : Stee Ee

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r ‘ a4 YO HONId HO SOdOLIO “TUVALYVHO NOCGNOl AHL \ WIEKAAO SRT ¢ La * — — = — _ -" a — —_ —" — - —_ ‘ . a +

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| Beware of it, Trade! Tis a creature | for the enforcement of the observance of Sunday as a | Judaic Sabbath, with | | | | Novemsmn 3, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 213 —————— _ | Monopoly was not content very long , | With sharing its millions in narrow community | Between the mere few who were clever and strong, | Its natural issue was Absolute Unity. The One at the top, and the Many below !— That must be the Monster’s ideal, the goal of it. To get the World’s trade in one “ Ring” at a blow, ith one bloated Moloch of cash in control of it, That, that was the notion, and that was the aim; But just as that ‘‘ Trust” comprehensive, colossal, | Was reared, Mammon’s victims grew tired of his game, And Demos with Dives played mad pitch-and-toss all. Adream! Ah, pechegs ; but some visions unveil A meaning from wide-awake vigilance hidden. The Day of Big Things means a 80o’ and a flail For the myriad s ones to Life’s banquet bidden. The Epoch of Monsters once more to revive, In Creation or Commerce, is sheer retrogression. The Thunderer would rule, and the Titans would strive, But freedom and peace are poor man’s best possession. ‘These Little Ones” also have places and claims. The many-armed Monster, M ly, subtle | Ca as os y i ety has the me ; f the crue -grabbing, all- i uttle. ving Cut | | To fight to the death, as St. George did the dragon. Call Law to your aid—let her strike at its head— And the menacing Monster will drop dead as Dagon ! GOOD DAY’S WORK, Dear Mr. Puncu.—It is stated that ‘‘in view of the serious dangers that attend upon even a temporary stop- page of a great artery of traffic in London, the Corporation are considering the expediency of carrying on the forth- coming repairs of Blackfriars + not only night and lay, but on Sunday, as well as week day.” As yet, how- ever, they have not therefore been charged, by agitators yroposing to employ me as an — wherewithal to orev the working eed of their of rest. Now then, I suppose, it will no} be 9 longer be Aare that I am duiienan to serve that | SO ENGLISH, YOU KNOW!” purpose in the hands of quot porate allied to promote the Anatole, “Trexs! Bonsovr, Isrpon! You srick Enciersn! Bien! I co opening of Museums and Picture Galleries on Sundays, | To pLay aT ZE FooTBALL-TENNIS-CRICKETTS? Come you?” and consequently, in time past, aecused of trying to insert Isidor. ‘‘Not at present. But I vint Go TO FIND You VEN I SHALL ‘AV the thin end of your ancient friend THE WEDGE. | PAsseD AT ZE BUREAU TO PAY MY INCOMESTAXES |” chair. You will observe here is a steel waistband for fixing the AN ARM FROM THE ARMADA. octagonal stake with verions screws. sexe is doable menacle with . ‘ » er triangular padlock. Yonder a gag with rack action for opening (Fragment from « Romans FS +18 +e) _ ousieion and drawing out tongue. There a steel dilator for It matters not how I came to be living three hundred years after | lower part of body. Here——” the great fight off Plymouth Hoe. That is my affair, and no one} ‘Qh! yes,” I interrupted; “I know the whole bag of tricks, else’s. Suffice it to say that I came up by a train, and took an | Dear ald Watnr used to say that he was obliged to apply them all to omnibus to Catherine Street, and entered the National Theatre, | keep me from falling asleep.” where I found Mr. Avaustus Haris, surrounded by a number of| * Jt is, we fancy, nearly a hundred years later than the date of articles I immediately recognised as relics of the battle in which I| the Armada,” continued my guide; “ but it shows, to quote the had taken part in 1588. I remember the day perfectly. Sir FRaNcts| Catalogue, ‘ what would have occurred in nearly every English town | Drake, Sir Martin Fropisuer, Lord Howarp of Effingham, a few | if the Armada had been successful.’ ” | others, and myself, were aboard the Capitana—no, we took that| ‘ There,” I replied, ‘I think you are wrong. My friend, Sir | | | | | | | | | } during the action, so I think it must have been the Lively Polly.| Wauren Raveion, told me that it was given to him by a Spaniard— Yes, now I call it to mind, it was the Lively Polly, And yet, on| he was called Don Qvay—in return fora pouch of tobacco. But still referring to a Catalogue furnished by the courteous Lessee of | it is a most interesting relic.” Lane, Tam not at all sure but it was the Ark Raleigh, or the Ark| ‘Then | saw a large number of helmets, swords, pictures, seals, and Royal. I have all the greater confidence in the latter suggestion, as | engravings that I quite remember noticing during the pauses of the I see that that capital vessel was the flag-ship of the British Fleet. | glorious combat. I was particularly struck with an etching repro- Have a pinch of snuff, Tommy?” said Drake (he always called | duction of ‘‘ the Armada in sight,” by Seymour Lucas, R.A. me Tommy, although my real name was MarMapvke)—‘‘have a Most lifelike,” observed. ‘I ise Fenton, and Sr. Leorn, pinch of snuff ?” | SourH WELL and Mannineton, Grorce Jenner, Coox, and, of course, And then good old Franco—(I always called Sir Francis} dear old Dick Hawkrys.” ‘ Franco,” because we had been at school together)—produced a} ‘* Were you there?” asked a bystander. Horn Tobacco Box. _ P am “Was I there!” I exclaimed, indignantly. ‘‘Of course I was, I mentioned this to one of the erudite assistants of the joint-author | and got a seat for Mr. Seymour Lucas, who was painting it. The of The Armada, original was sent, shortly afterwards, to Australia.’ “We have the very identical box here,” replied the assistant. “‘It} At this moment a theatre-lo descendant of my dear old friend is No, 247 in the Catalogue, and bears the name and arms of Sir | Sir Martin FropisueEr, seized me L the arm, and with him I hurried Francis Drax.” : off to see the admirable spectacular Drama that through the kindness _ And to be sure there it was! Then I came upon a chair which I| of Messrs. Hawruron and Haxris, had been provided for our immediately recognised as one that used to stand in the study of | delectation. And thus, seated in the Stalls, 1 fought my battle over Sir Watrer Rateion. He used to invite me to occupy it while | again. (Signed) A Survivor or THe Sranisn AnMmapa. reading his History of the World to me. x t is No. 318?” I asked, with some curiosity. | “ That,” returned my courteous informant, ‘‘is a Spanish torture | TRaNsLation or ‘ Equrwox.”—A Night-Mare.

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[Novemper 3, 1889, nd ‘ HTT TT Uh — uf Le i \\ | i i hh a “THAT NASTY ORANGE-PEEL!” Gallant Old Gentleman (rushing to her assistance), “‘ I'M AFRAID, Ma'am, You've HAD A Fatt—I Hopr-——’' Short-tempered Old Lady (snappishly), ‘‘ Way, you Don’? s'rpose I'D sit DOWN HERE, you OLp Sturp——!” [He helps her up, and makes off hastily. A NEW “ SPEAKER'S COMMENTARY.” | (Jntended as a few hints to budding Orators, in addition to the very excellent advice which Mr. Bright has recently given them.) Don’t let your audience know what is coming next. Cultivate the art of oratorical | surprises. Should your hearers also cultivate surprises, and welcome you with an outburst of hisses, allude playfully to the geese that once saved the Capitol. This may disarm hostility. It may also do the reverse. If any member of your audience should be so ill-mannered or so destitute of apprecia- ton as to go away in the middle of your oration, remember that this invariably happens to the best speakers in the House of Commons. Try and wither the offender with a glance. This requires practice. Should this fail, you might put your audience in a good temper by inquiring, ‘* Why is our friend who is leavi ike a barn-door fowl? Because he is looking for | an egg-sit.”. This will direct at- tention to the out-goer, and make others | less willing to follow his example. N. B.—-At the end of the meeting, leave, if wossible, by a side-door. People have been nown to resent humour of the above description. If you cannot comfortably accommodate all the leading points of your speech on your | shirt-cuff, pin them (on a piece of paper) to| your handkerchief, which you can occasion- | ally dangle before your face in a graceful and | unpremedita manner. Make friends with the Reporters. An amiable Reporter explains away a multitude of brickbats. When interrupted, never lose your own temper—or you may find somebody else’s ! hen working up to a joke, it will be advisable to wreathe your face beforehand with a seductive smile. Practise well before a looking-glass. Though argument is popularly ougpened to have something to do with proof, recollect that certain people are quite proof against argu- ment. Humour them. feelings, not their heads. Try the ‘‘ Three B’s”—blarney, blather, and bunkum. People who don’t see’ a joke always think there is something profane in it. Don’t be too witty. This is a fault which you will probably find no difficulty in avoiding. Perhaps the very best way to “ bring down the house,” is to bring down a lot of parti- | cular friends who will ‘* makea house” for you. “Statin Bey.’’—The Times Correspondent, writing from Vienna, reported last week that “Statin Bey asks his friends to send him a few newspapers.”” We are glad to be able to announce, in the interests of the higher criti- cism in Art, Literature, and the Drama, that Statin Bey is coming over to England, and has been engaged as Literary and Dramatic Critic on Mr. Punch’s Staff. All those who have anything to fear from Starry ,—look out | Some impulsive Americans wanted his title to be changed to ‘“‘ Lord Get-the- Sackville.” Appeal to their | A SPORTSMAN’S SONG. Arranged for the Suburban Deer-Stalker. Soye ho! for the bang of the Verderer’s gun, As from his third-class stepping, He starts for his annual bit of fun In the sylvan glades of Epping. He isn’t a very good shot, is he: _ But his aim is wild and his range is free, And, whether he hit or miss his mark, | He knows that he is out for a lark. |So ho! sing ho! for the Verderer’s sport, | At Epping he’ll show you the proper sort. Give him his gun, and he’ll blaze away, Nor care a rap what the public say. Sing ho! for the Verderer’s random shot | As he sees the herd advancing, And he takes his sight and covers the lot, The risk of a bad one chancing. | So ho! but the Verderer has his luck, | For he breaks the of a harmless buck, | That limps away with its shatter’d bone | To linger for days, then die alone. Soho! Sing ho! for his glorious sport, At Epping he ’ll show you the right good sort; And will—till the Public shall have their sty, | And he and his gun both get blazed away’ Arutetic Sports rx Iwp1a.—Lord Couts CamPpett has gone out to practise at the bar in Bombay. Capital exercise. “‘ You're having a high old time of it,” 9 the Currant-jelly said to the Venison, which had been hanging for three weeks. ——— ane

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 20. M-b er mx») if Mo-ez—Trew - | more where it came from. If the Editor liked to have it all, and PARNELL COMMISSION. | leave out pictures, A vy pane quite oe pe series 7 aaes (Special Report. ) | Suppose there wou 2 objections on part of artists. e people [Yesterday the Commission of Judges resumed their sittings in the Parnell | #7¢ 8° narrow-minded. So have boiled down account of proceedings. Case. The Judges were Sir Jamzs HANNEN, Mr. Justice Day, and Mr. Justice | Observed considerable addition to strength of Bar. On opening day Suirn. For the Times there ap the ArrorNeY-GzNERAL, Sir Henny | ONly CuaRtes RusseLy and AsquiTH on one side, Granam on the Jawes, Mr. W. Munpny, Mr. W. Granam, of the English Bar, and Mr. | other. Now two benches full of wi and gown. Hoom for us of the J. Arkixson and Mr. Ronan of the Irish Bar. For Mr. Pannext and | Inner Bar, but terrible crush behind, on Members Sir CHARLES Russe1. appeared, and with him Mr. Aseurru,| ‘All on account of you,” Grorce Lewis whispers. ‘‘ Very well ry Rew, Mr. Locxwoop, Mr, Lionzt Hart, Mr. Antuur Russsit, of to begin with. But when they saw you were engaged, found it he oo ae he Arg - Mr. yoy” 4 gm necessary to muster in larger force.” ; M.P., QC., instructed Mr. Gronos Lewis (of Ely | Pleasant to have one’s position so early and strikingly recognised. Holborn, W.C.), again held s watching brief for the Publie.— Morning Paper.}| yust keep up dignity. Sa begin wie Ueher aos Aya Monday, October 22.—Cut this out of morning paper. Plenty | again, shall have bim mandamus’d.

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[November 3, 1 ONDON CHARIVARL. 216 PUNCH, OR THE L Eleven o'clock. Curtain rises; discloses Judges standing in door- ways like three figures in weather-box, which tell you whether it’s) way. to wet or shine. a 0 tard ste ‘tp dently ing to be either wet orshine.) ATToRNEY- GENERAL opens case for prosecution. Goes back to prodigious speech deli- vered by him in case of O’ Donnell vy. Walter. Quotes whole batches of it. Remember how Corr- nipeE, L.C.J., softly slumbered throwzh it. Our President wide awake. Smirn quietly observant. novelty of situation ; gives up staring stonily round ; makes occasional note. President begins with old wrotest about knowing nothing. Fancy he’s heard the name of Parnwett and Davirr—or is it Dayvir?’ Something in the City, aren’t they? AtTorNry- Gewerat, therefore, bourd to go into full detail. Grinds along till one o'clock, when President capitulates: falteringly admits that he has not only read the whole of Parnellism and Crime, but has a minute index. “Why didn’t he say so at first?” growled familiar voice from back of Court. It was Josern Griwts, and in female society! Stout lady, in black, seated in Press Gallery; said to Woman, weekly illustrated. e representative of Wandering Josepn’s eagle eye, surveying Court, poe her. Sidied up, epesogetiog next seat. Happened to ye that of representative of Potsdam Press, temporarily absent. Potsdam Press returning, protests. Josepm Griuis ignores him. Comfortable seat; female society ; good view of Judges; will stop. Does. “Remember Mitchelstown ?” ** Remember Paris!” Jory B. smiles. But the shot goes home. Observe that, after luncheon, he finds quarters remote from the charmer. Tuesday.—Josera Gt.i1s arrives, brisk, and early. take his seat on benches reserved for us. Usher interposes. Warns him off. Usher not such a bad fellow, afterall. Jory B then drops | into bench reserved for Solicitors in charge of cases. Something | evidently up. Turns out to be Jory B. himself. Thrusts thumb in arm-hole of waistcoat. Holds out left hand, peremptorily signalling | President. Catches his eye. Calls him “Sir,” and announces that he is going to conduct his own case. President stares inquisitively at him. Sra regards him with bland smile. Day, withdrawing gaze from ceiling, where he was almost certain he’d seen a fly, turns | animated visage full upon Josepn Grits. Never saw anything | like this before. Eyes widely open; lips slowly part; regards him as if fascinated. Jory B. takes no notice of sensation created ; | makes his application as if moving for unopposed return, and sits down to listen to ATTORNEY-GENERAL. Mr. AtrorNey paces along by the hour. Monotonous ; uninterest- ing; stale stories of aneient outrage; * thrice-boiled colewort,” as CaRtyLe said. Flounders hopelessly amongst Irish names, Calls Davirr, Dayrvir, and Parwett, Parvett, Cartes Rosser diligently follows, taking notes. ‘What date is it?” he casually asks. The Atrorney-GeveRraL turns round and glares upon the benevolent downcast visage. I was careful at the commencement to mention the date,’’ he hisses through clenched teeth, ‘‘if my learned friend would only li Tenth of March!” ” says Cuoartes Russert, going on writing. ATTORNEY- scovers fresh outrage. ** What date?” Rosset. asks, in a low voice, going on writing, and not looking up. Mr. Arroryry tarns upon him like baited bull ; glares and fumes and gives date. “Ah!” says Caartes Ressect, writing it down. These the only flashes of thunder and lightning to vary the monotonous peppering on the window-panes of the Arroryry-GeNERAL’s incessant small says JoserH, winking at me. Proposes to talk. Wednesday.—Not sure I would have taken silk if I had known how dull it is to sit here day by day and listen to Mr. Atrorwry. Much livelier in the House of Commons. Always something turning up there. Nothing here but Atrogwey-Geweeat, humdrumming round familiar facts, reciting Parnellism and Crime by the page, and, when things getting too exciting, dropping back into memories of his speech in Walter v. OD Wonderful how Judges on Bench Three and take seats. (Evi- | Day beginning to get over | with large hat and plumage borrowed from a hearse, | I say, sternly, not relishing this familiarity. | when subject first came up. }at the Box, and drawing forth 888. | keep awake. Perha s they wouldn't if President would only give y. Pretty to see Brother Surra furtively turning to see if Brother | Hanwen has dropped off. If he had, might be chance for another honest person. Bat Brother HanNeEn positively enjoying himself | | Leans over desk so as not to miss single phrase of Mr. Atroryzy’; | honeyed eloguence. Mr. Atrorwgy, what with difficulties aboy | | pronunciation of Irish names, and what with constant occasion for snapping at CuarLes RusseLt, sometimes gets wrong in date or other detail of intricate statement. Hamwen down on him in a minute, ‘* He may have known nothing about the case when he took his seat on the Bench,” says Locxwoop, just finishing another sketch of srother Day, ‘‘ but he knows more now than us all put together, Probably the only man in Court who could stand examination op W exsTeEnr’s narrative.” As the days wear on, our Day takes on added stolidity. Only tims when he displays momentary animation is when he, too, turns to see if Brother Hanwen has not dropped off, and meets his particularly wide-awake gaze. Torquemapa’s guilty start when he finds he’s observed is delightful. Stares straight up at the ceiling, slowly gages round the Court, deliberately makes a note, and says nothing. Neyer does say anything. ** What do they call him Tatker-meepa for?” Josern Grus whispered to Micnaet Davitt. ~ bon't know,” said Davrrt, ‘‘ unless it’s because he never says anything.” Thursday.—‘' Box A!” said Brother Hanwen, entering Court this morning, and plumping down on desk before him large tin box. ** Box B!” chimed in Brother Surra, plumping down another bor on his desk. |. “IC,” said Brother Day, gloomily—and when we have a gloomy Day, it’s dark indeed. | “Poor Day!” said Arroryey-GENERAL, who, in spite of this fearful long speech inflicted upon us, is a kind-hearted man. ‘‘ Must try and make up a box for him!” ** You could easily do that,” said Caartes Russet, dryly. One of these two boxes contains the documents whose history is | told in Soasres’s affidavit. Appears some person from America wrote to Times offering important documents incriminating PARNFflL; negotiations for purchase entered into; documents delivered ; found dnesday’s to be forgeries; so put them in two boxes, one marked A, the other B; locked them up and handed them into custody of Judges. AtrTor- wey-GENERAL more than hints that that great and good man, Georcz Sensation. —Lika Joko appears, Lewis, knows all about the plant. Grorer Lewis, ever childlike and bland, looks straight before him as if he had not even heard the insinuation. d Judges never let boxes ont of sight. Sleep with them under their pillows at night. Bring them into Court in the morning, take them away in afternoon. Nobody knows whether forgeries are in Box A or Box B, which deepens the mystery. | “What is in the Box?” Cartes Russect thundered yesterday | ** Snuff!” said ArrorNeY-Generat, snapping his fingers. | It is his way when angered. But Caartes Russect gazed longingly his Bandana, wistfully blew his nose. What if it were true, and if, almost within reach, there were such | boundless store of Black Rappee ! Friday.—At seven minutes past three this afternoon ATTORNEY | GeweraL breathed his last sentence in Speech. Affecting scene. | Sorry, after all, t» part with Speech. Lived on it through 4 melancholy week. But self-preservation a powerful insfinet, | Another day of it and one of us must have succumbed. Just as it should be the Speech. Peacefully passed away in the still afternoon, aged twenty-two hours fifty-seven minutes. Omit flowers. iv Genrrit Bovtancer.—Hasty generalisation. eg Berri cH NOTICE.—Rejected Communications er Contributions, whether M in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper: there will be no exception. 8., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will To this rule

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemsse 8%, 1888. OW

is the Constant Syllable Ticking from the Clock of Time. NOW IS THE WATCHWORD OF THE WISE. NOW IS ON THE BANNER OF THE PRUDENT. NOW YOU CAN CHANGE THE TRICKLING STREAM, BUT TO-MORROW YOU MAY HAVE THE RAGING TORRENT TO CONTEND WITH. | hy THE BATTLE OF THIS LIFE ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” is an imperative hygienic need, or necessary adjunct. It keeps the blood vents fevers and acute inflam: a , removes the injurious effects of stimulants, narcotics, such as al il, tobacco, tea, coffee, by natural means restores the nervous system to ite norma) condition, by preventing the great danger of poisoned blood and over activity, sleeplessness, irritability, worry, £o. De 2. Go ze SEA he Se ig Sgt 2 A BOTTLE OF ENO’S “FRUIT SALT.” —" From a Town in British th America.—J. ©. Eno, Esq., London,—Sir,—After two years’ trial tre excellent ‘FRUIT SALT,’ I can bahay caer 7 oy Ret it has saved me much misery from Colonial fevers, indigestion, and impaired appetite, to which I have been subj uring eleven years’ residence in the tropics. It is invaluable to travellers as @ preventive of sea-sickness, and a ou from the other ailments of life aboard ship ; and for myself | would as soon — | cane a age without my tooth- brush as my bottle of ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT,’ With ordinary care it does not get b Baron gr~s other effervescent preparations do in warm and humid climates, and this is great Dy in its favour.—I am, He oaks respectfully, W. J. B.’ H=¢2 WINDS AND HEAVY SEA CROSSING “ THE BAY.”'—I have recently returned from a trip in & P. and O. Company’s ship, and consider it a duty incumbent upon me to make known to you that, during & nantical career exiending over a — of —v¥ years, I have been invariably a sufferer from sea-sickness, more or less, according to the weather ; but on the last occasion I am happy to say (although we experienced strong head winds and heavy sea “which f * The ") I entirely escaped ; and this I attribute to my HAVING PRrovipeD MYSELF with ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT,’ which can m conscientiously recommend to all who may be similarly afflicted, whose business or pleasure may cause them to go down to the sea in ships.’—I am, Sir, yours faithfully, a Porsex.” I eet AALS. » ATEIOA, AMERICA, AUSTRALIA.—Imprortayt To ane VRavertens.—" Please send me of ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT.’ I have tried ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ in America, India, Egypt, and on the Continent tor pmeby' every complaint, fever included, with the most satisfactory results. I can strongly recommend it to all Travellers ; in fact, I am never without it.—Yours faithfully, Aw Awe@.o-Iwp1ay Orriciat, June 26th, 1878," “T used my ‘FRUIT SALT’ freely ia my last severe attack of fever, and I have every reason to say it saved my life.—J. 0. Evo.” H°w TO AVOID THE INJURIOUS EFFECTS OF STIMULANTS.—Experience shows that porter, mild ales, port wine, sweet champagne, dark sberrie=, liqueurs, and brandies are all very apt to disagree; while gle white wines and gin or whisky , largely diluted with soda water, will be found the least objectionable. ENO’S “ FRUIT SALT” is particularly adapted for any constitutional weakness of the liver ; ; it possesses the power of reparation when digestion has been — or lost, and places the invalid on the right track to hea’ health. r) sADACHS AND DISORDERED STOMACH. —"“ After suffering for nearly two and a half years from severe headache and disordered stomach, and after try ing LL almost everything, and spending much money without finding any benefit, | was recommende! by a friend to try your ‘FRUIT SALT,’ and before I had finished one bottle found it doing me a great deal of gc ow that have tried it have not enjoyed such good health for years. * Yours most truly, *Rousrzt Humrazers, Post Office, Barrasford.”’ CAUTION.—LExamine cach Bottle, and see the Capsule is marked ENO'S ‘‘ FRUIT SALT.” Without it, you have been imposed on by a worthless imitation. SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS. Prepared only at Eno’s “Fruit Salt” Works, _Pomeroy Street, New Cross Road, London, S.E. ant DECOR ATE LEA & PERRIN’ SAUCE. ALLMAN'S » and now I am restored to my usual health, and others I kn

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a ee ee eee ee ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON. CHALIVARL—Novemogr 3, 1888. GOLD MEDALS, EDINBURGH AND LIVERPOOL EXHIBITIONS, 1886. Cocoa AAMAAAAAAAAAAAA CROWN Py UMERY CO., of In — Boxp Starnt, ave distilled for BLOSSOMS.§ public some of asc) iB choicest and mo ‘ SS | favoured ' Court Journal, S onown OWN PERFUMERY 0 !PURE CONCENTRATED COCOA \ Bee eetham Prepared by a new and s ial gotegtite ocess, securing extreme solubility and developing stall he finest avour ‘of the Cocoa. LYCERINE § CU I} Ui i Cuanins & caseenen, uD. sae one ntae W. BB STANLEY, M.D.—"1 wider if © very rich, delicious Coron oFOR PRESERVING AER, BEA07 Tse tal adapted to those whose dig: stive organs are It is highly concen ated, ae 4 om os nomi as nily fo is —*p ond 1 stro agiy rec cunmend | it as a substitute for tea for young persons.” | the drink cor exoailes ¢ for children, ent 4 gi no trouble in ma Sing.’ 2 it soon renders wae sOFrT, SEB asp WHITr. This choice preparation of Cocoa makes a most delightful beverage for Breakfast or Supper. Being exceedingly nutritious, S mee won gemoves and pes rem oh ——— easily digested and sesimilated, it forms a valuable food for inval: 4 and « hild irer Cthe SKIN Ef om the effects of ex G2 To secure this article, ask for “FRY'S PURE CONCENTRATED COCOA. ” Rettlon 4% 5 ~ — > 38 PRIZE MEDALS AWARDED TO J. S. FRY & SONS, BRISTOL, LONDON, AND SYDNEY, Free for etrn'by tae bt Ha Co HOO OLATE MAKERS _TO THE QUEEN AND PRINCE OF WALES \REETHAM + Chemists, CHELTEN HK & Ong ea Whi PURE MALT FIRST PRIZE MEDAL, CORK, 1883, DIPLOMA OF HONOUR, PARIS, 1886. GOLD MEDAL, LIVERPOOL, 1886. HIGHEST AWARD, ADELAIDE, 1887, PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY Distillery Dr. £HERIDAN MUSPRATT, F.R.S.E., M.BR.1.A., F.C.S., writing on Alcohol ’ in the year 1860, says: ‘‘ THE BUSHMILLS Pure Malt Whisxey.-This Spirit C0 ANTRIM IRELAND is said by many to claim pre-eminence over all others, in the same manner that ; 9 ° genuine Hollands is considered superior to any Gins made in this country.” The Old Bushmills Pure Malt Whiskey can be had from all the leading Wine and Spirit Merchants, or from The Bushmills Old oreo A Co. (Ltd.), 1, Hill Street. Belfast. ty Queen’ Vedl-Ue Extract from the “ QUEEN,” September, 29th.—“ 7his year’s patterns in VEL-VEL it may be said without flattery, are a delight to the most fastidious eye, ranging as they # ; y= Pale Gobelin Blue, Eau de Nil Green, and Coral Pink, to a rich dark Peacock, + Moss Green, Beaver, and Egyptian Red. YEL-VEL is equally suitable both for day > >and evening wear; it drapes well, does not readily crease; and is offered at a most moderate price.” TO BE HAD OF DRAPERS THROUGHOUT THE WORLD. PRICES FROM ls. 64 TO Ss. 6d. A YABD. Wholesale Agent in Ireland W. HUGHES & Co., 4, Howard Street, Belfast. ; j Sle Props: —FELSTEAD & HUNT, 41, St. Pauu's Cxurcuyarp, Lonpor, ae ee Oa a a oS a a ae a ee a es wt ts nt tt a pa nt np aa a oa a aa ata ata a aM 6 vevvvvvy

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rt

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —Novemsze 10, 1888. GOLDEN DREAM WALTZ. GOLDEN By Tero Borurcs Loves L°vE’s DREAM. Spendidiy we ustreted Thies most charm Waits mort become the Success of the Season & the rage of London Ye rmed with ove: whelming sppleure ot al) the Fe tions, romenade Con cores & a, net Baed and military parts now ready aapece | M vere Jae owrxe ComPant Geute®,, gh Street “OUR “NEIGHBOURS.” PARTRIDGE & COOPER, STATIONERS, __ 32%; “FLEET STREET. _ THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, 64 Millions St. FOR PROTECTION AININLSIANI ? EDINBURGH, 8 George 6t. (Head Office) LONDON, 68 King William Street, E.C. 8 Pall Mall Bast, 6.W. DUBLIN, 66 \ipper Sackville Street. Bran hes & Agen iesin India t& the Colonies SAMUEL 8 ROTHERS. Boys’ Bcboo! Outfits. SAMUEL >) Mesars »bROTH ERS have ready for immediate ase a very large assortment of bors and Yoorms’ Cictawe They will s a also be pleased to send, upom application, Par SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTERS, &c., 65 ie 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpow, E.C, INVIGORATING LAVENDER SALTS. Registered THE POPULAR NEW SMELLING SALTS OF THE CROWN PERFUMERY CO.,, 177.1 New Bond St. Sold everywhere. ETER F.HEERING'S COPENHACEN COLD MEDAL CHERRY BRANDY FITZGERALD'S SHIRTS, “siti? THESE SHIRTS GIVE PERFECT COMFORT IN EVENING DRESS, being so cut that the collar fits to the band as if sewn to it, and without the slightest pressure, while the front retains its proper position under the most open waistcost. Orders will be taken at 69, Fenchurch Street, E.C., where Cutter is now at work, and where sizes are kept in stock ready for wear. Manufactory at 4, PATRICK STREET, CORK. FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED COCOA: SOLUBLE “Tt consider it s very rich delicious Cocoa.”—W. H. B. STANLEY, M.D. from Qs & every Sower that eh breathes a fragrance. MAPPIN & WEBB’S SWEET SCENTS | LIGN-ALOE. OPOPONAX FRANGIPANNI. PSIDIUM , 2 May be obtained a /j > Of any Chemist or AF Cy _ Perfumer. ond stree* 2 ELECTRO PLATE BE _.For Gas, Steam, Water, ‘TU « Hydraulic, and Heating Purposes; Galvanised or White Enameliled inside, In stock to 6 in. diameter. Cocks, Valves, &c. e Tube Wo me, W ednesburyj_ London. SPEARMAN’S SERGES. | Pure upleo tT DiE mo ave BLUE F e Glo WOADED BLACK. Also in all other colours and | 2°#* Srzxcex, G AUTUMN TOUR IN THE MEDITERRANE ORIENT COMPANY wit wae fui'-powered steamship “Gabo NE” z toms register, 3000 horse-power fam 1 jo, om the lore ae iting Lisbo: . ‘ise, Vial " rapier, Palermo, Naples Tage rm, Genoa, Nice Riviera, Malaga, &¢., arriving in London «@ 22nd Lecember. The “ GARONNE” is fitted with o : nate item Hot and Col Baths, &c. Cuis ighest order. umber of limited, —— wees An experienced Surgeon will be carried Managers: F. Garen & Co.. 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%, apply & ite, Comoe HOTEL INOMICAL 1B KINGDoq TUATION URY ang HERCHE )DERATE F, — RALD AND > for Higs-CGas Ost surcewle Tice amb's (vasa | BOAP TE Compiene SSMITE, INDON and of Losses reet. EES Acres. Acres HES, 60s. 100. b with créz EES, Ss. 000), doz. ’ Flower, 1. 2 C0, GEE, ee NovemBer 10, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL 217 “LE SPORTMAN.” “Hr!! Hir!! Srop ze Cuasse! I romene—I ratory! Srop ze Fox/!!” : . Pe The Chief Inquisitor bowed in a stately manner, and, with much AN EXPLANATION OF THE COCOON TRICK. dignity, withdrew. The gentleman of evidently foreign extraction By One who has Ni : tite. was then invited to seat himself on a torture-chair that had been (By w passed a Night with the Spirits.) specially brought for him from the collection of Armada relics. I nap determined to find out “‘ how it was done.” Ihad seen the! After a few minutes passed in cheerful preparation, the talented placards showing me a lady with wings emerging from what seemed | inventor said that he was then in a position to explain his secret, on to me to be the skeleton of an egg cup, and T tow that this mar-| the condition, however, ‘‘ that it went no further.’ vellous performance was repeated every night at a Music Hall. But} ‘‘Itisas simple as possible,” he observed, smilingly, as he rose how was it done? That was the point—how was it done? I was| from the torture-chair. ‘‘ It is done by swallowing a potion, similar pondering over the matter in my study with a glass of whiskey and|in character but different in effect to that consumed by Dr. Jekyll water beside me. For a while my mind, like SULLIVAN’s organ-man,|and Mr. Hyde. But perhaps you would like to see it done.” was ‘‘ ill at ease,” when all of a sudden a trance-like calm fell upon| I said I would, and, by a dexterous twist of the wrist (very neatly me. I was glad of this, for I knew that I was about to learn the| performed) both the Inventor and myself were “passed” into the secret. I learn most things after a trance-like calm has fallen upon | Pavilion in an instant. The Hall was crowded, and I found myself me. For a while I could not exactly follow what I was doing. Then| behind the scenes. A beautiful young lady was standing beside me my brain became as clear as a bell—as crystal. I was standing with| with a glass in her hand. I heard the Inventor speaking to the Mr. Aveustrus Harris among the Armada relics at Drury Lane, | audience. I saw him hold up a sort of frame, covered with tiseuc- talking to the descendants of Elizabethan heroes who had saved| paper. I watched him as he drew, with admirable skill, a worm, pagans from invasion three hundred years ago. They were loud|and then a cocodn. Then I noticed that the frame and tissue in their praise of the Lessee of the National Theatre. paper had disappeared, and a sort of large walnut, made of silk, had “Yes,” returned the part-author of The Armada, ‘‘I certainly get | taken their place. : ; as near truth and nature as possible. For instance, the scene of the| ‘‘ Now,” said the Inventor, ‘I will place this Cocoon into this Holy Inquisition was real. I got it at some reduction, as it is| receptacle, and in a moment ne will see what happens.” obsolete in Spain. You see before you real tormentors, real tortures, | As he s ke, the young raised her glass to her lips. I and real victims. The gentleman that is dropped through the trap- immediately seized it and swallowed its contents myself. Then a door at the commencement of the Act in a condition of some exhaus- | strange thing happened. I found myself suddenly emerging from tion I had to take as a fixture. He said he was accustomed to his | the Cocoon, to the surprise of both the Inventor and the audience. rack, and could ill do without it. Yes, we do not only use real tor- ‘“‘ Done like that!” shouted Lixa Joxo, the well known Japanese ” tures, but sometimes discover real secrets. | Secret-discoverer, suddenly appearing on the stage. “Not at all! “You do!” I exclaimed, “‘ then do you think you could find out | See now, I will show you how it i done!” for me how the Cocoon trick is done at the Pavilion ?”’ But at that moment the scene faded away, and I found myself in The Lessee of the National Theatre nodded an assent, and led the | my own study with my head resting tranquilly in the coal-scuttle. way to the stage. When we arrived there we found the gentleman | How I got there—whether I was “ passed” or not by the Inventor— to whom reference has already been made, stretching himself at full | is still a secret tome. But this was not the only thing that puzzled length on the rack. |me. I could not understand the condition of the w on bottle. "Well, Sir,” said the Lessee, ‘‘ and how are you enjoying your-| Before I left my study, I fancy, I say I fancy, it was nearly full— self?” now, undoubtedly, it was quite empty! “Thoroughly,” was the immediate reply, “‘ they have been giving | oo ee me an extra twist this morning, and I feel all the better for it. But | now I think I am done te a turn.” New Version. He was taken from his pppecents unconventionally-fashioned (By a Disgusted M.P.) om, and dropped through his usual trap, in his customary con- 2EMEMBER, remember I know no reason tion of exhaustion. The Sixth of November ? Why late in the Season [rot ‘And now, perhaps, we had better sce the talented inventor of | ¢¢ ,, for it. can’t be forgot! | We’ tered t 6 and talk this marvellous triek,”” said in eames Linen, andiaaentanen of | f course, for it can by Sarge . sleds mustered to rage and ta evidently foreign extraction was introduced. : Sa | ; ' ou require my assistance ?” asked the Chief Inquisitor, in| ‘‘Is Lire wort Livine? ’— Pappy LANE gave a bob to avoid a a voiee that reminded me of the palmy days of the Legitimate Drama, shot from the pareiges, Sally a bob! He got off cheaply. But, suddenly a ing at the x |as he observed, ‘It’s ter to be a cow for five minutes than “Thank you, No,” returned the courteous Lessee. ‘I think we | to be, dead. for the rest apes life.” Pappy was right, Life is can get on without you.” | certainly worth living—at t price. VOL. XCV,. U

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE CHALLENGE: OR THE RIVAL CHANTICLEERS. \) ) : ni \ \ AS = by Grand Old Chanticleer (fortissimo). wodle-do-o-o! Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o! !! Gather round me, hen-birds all—pretty Partlet crew! Chorus of ** Women’s Liberal Federation” Hens. Cackle! cackle! Grand Old Bird! Where’s the fowl dares tackle Such prodigious spurs and beak? Cackle! Cackle! Cackle! Grand Old Chanticleer. Ladies, thanks for your response to my stirring clarion. Fancy there's a business here I alone can carry on. Fighting Cocks are plentiful, game birds some are terming ’em, But I really think you need a change of breeds in Birmingham. a eee Cocx-a-d | But when a bird backs all his brood, LIS LIFE uae | ee . : % : Mh », eee ’ ‘ \\ D\ i) Y ¥ Y Kept a little mite too much to one stock and brood, I think. Once ox ——_—e change, but you have changed your think. ‘* Crested Ch-mb-rl-ns” no doubt are a breed pugnacious ; Very valiant, vigorous, vehement, vivacious. But one family of fowls may be overdone, Ladies. 4 Mean to challenge ’em myself, think we ’ll have some fun, Ladies. Want to rule the roost too much, the C. C.’s do. Monopoly . May do in serews, but not in fowl-runs—if I must talk shoppily. Jory C., as Cock o’the Walk, cone See himself, mood, I himself ; [November 10, 1888. | rather think he dooms |

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Novempgr 10, 1888.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 219 Crested Ch-mb-rl-ns all crow loud, strut with much show abdominal ; Some say that Jon’s supremacy is little more than nominal, Even in crow and strut; though these he carries to excess, he [J essE. Has rivals in his brood, who are not all as meek as However, that’s mere local cackle, though good K-nR-cx —come! a ta Tells me that complaints of this are not confined to _ Brummagem. . [RicHarp, Still I’m here to fight Big Joxz, not Avsrin, nay, nor ] into him, he into me, are pretty sure to pitch hard, baler ~ does come to fighting. Ladies, I am game to ackle On his own walk that Chanticleer! Chorus of “* W. L. F.” Hens (effusively). O lovely! Cackle! Cackle!!! Brummagem Bantam. Well, it’s like his impudence! And on my own walk, too! But I’ll beat the Old Bird yet, and by a long chalk, too! He talk of Monopoly ? Well, that’s really queer ; He who’d rule ad roosts alone, Grand Old nticleer ! Well, Dll fight him! As for you, poor Partlet-Chorus— pooh ! They shall find that two can play at Cock-a-doodle- do-o-o ! __ (Makes ready. A Nice Loox-ovr ror Lonpon.—The Standard is delighted that the Duke of Westminster has been appointed Lord Lieutenant of the County of London, because he will *‘ bridge over the gulf between the old régime and the new.” Let us hope that the new West- minster Bridge will prove a success—come up to the “Standard,” in fact. But one Duke will not make a London County Council, and this ‘‘ gulf,” according to Mr. Hamen’s letter in the Times, may be, after all, a bottomless pit of Bumbles and Blackmailers, wide and dark indeed, beyond even the possibilities of ‘‘ filling up,” —e by the heroic self-sacrifice of a Ducal Curtius. r. Punch hopes that this Hamer hits wide as well as “EDUCATION, OR STARVATION ?” _ [The poor child attended in Court herself, was fined two-and- sixpence for not having attended school when she was nursing her father, and then burst into tears, saying that the only mone she had they wanted at home for bread.— Vide Daily Telegraph Report, Nov. 3.} EpucatTiow Is vexation, But Starvation ’s worse. Can School-Board be With fine and fee Earning the poor man’s curse ? GETTING ALONG NICELY. In its Dramatic and Musical column, last Friday, the Daily Telegraph informed the world that Mr. Witson Barrett ‘‘ without assist- ance, has both constructed and written a play called Now-a-days.” . B. is ** getting a big boy now! ”’ Fancy being able to write a play without assistance ! And what was the *‘ assist- ance”’ he received before this daring effort? Why, according to the same authority, itwas Mr. Hari Carne. So when he got \ free of this Carvg,—which S* has always been a tutor’s y } assistance,—little Master »° Witson Bakgert pro > cured Lar ink, eat MA paper, and wrote a play, _., _ An Impressionist. all by himself! When little boys get hold of the pens and ink, they generally make a nice mess of it; but we are sure Master WILsoN | i ‘4 AA Zri4. Mh || \ / \ f K @ \% ™= } V hi ' ay ji \) , } 7, / Y \ iA ; 1 ki | / NA i. : HA, Wi 4 Pa 5 ay Saal! | Vik hat 4 NM y Ay 4 dy ah ] BT 2 |: PRAY, A Pra, ye 4 , wt wa CON A SOA \Q { ‘s LW # - \ ' j J rag” Neoeae sir “Hh (| Jn iV, FAMILY JARS. Joan, ‘THE IDBAR OF SuSAN’s ASKIN’ JoHN TO WILLIAM'S FUNERAL, AFTER THE WAY 'E’D BEYAVED! I SHOULDN'T CERTAINLY EVER DREAM OF ASKIN’ 'IM to Yours!” Darby. ‘WHat! Taen aut J CAN SAY 18, I SHOULD BE VERY MUCH OFFENDED IF YOu pipywTr!” THE NEXT DIPLOMATIC INCIDENT. Letter from —— Smith, Esq., to British Minister, Dear Barrise Mrvister,—I am an Englishman who has become an American and want to know which way I ought to vote at the present crisis. I reckon may take it that this change of front on the part of present Government is all bamboozle. That isso! Post me up on the right side of the rails. I calculate I can influence a lot of votes, to get them put, bedad, to the credit of the unspeakable Saxons! Hurroo! rin go Salk y Yours respectfully, (Signed) . Smiru, Esa. Telegram from British Minister to —— Smith, Esq. I think you ought to vote for the present Government, as I fancy that after the Election is over the good sense which has ever been the characteristic of the present President will once more become apparent. As you are personally unknown to me (although of course your name is perfectly familiar to me), I have taken the precaution to pay a small additional sum to have this telegraphed to you with the words ‘‘ Strictly private” added to the message. Cablegram from Minister to Premier. Very awkward this telegram of Minister. Well-intentioned, but ill-timed, Please do something. Cablegram from Minister to Premier (an hour later). Have sent Minister his passports. Cablegram from President to Premier (an hour later). Have ordered Minister to be off at once. Cablegram from President to Premier (an hour later), Sending out declaration of war by next mail. Cablegram from President to Premier (an hour later). At Cabinet Council just held decreed the immediate annexation of Canada and Australia, and the speedy invasion of India. Cablegram from President to Premier (a week later). Election over. Pulled it through. Countermanded annexation and invasion. Minister has gone. Give him my kind regards, Calculate you may con B. ia & good boy, and he won’t do anything of that sort, | Sorry er sider this incident at an end.

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[Novemser 10, 1888, |

“FAUST GAIETY.” the third night of its existence I saw the new roy Faust at the Gaiety. Faust up to Date is not Faust up to Much. Such as it is, it has taken two distinguished Adelphi melodramatists, | Messrs. Perrrrr and Srus, to do it. dissembling. The Extravagant Travesty plays two hours and three- quarters, and is therefore about two hours too long. Here and there the two dissembling melo- dramatists have made a consci- | entious attempt at burlesquing | some of the principal situations in the Opera and drama. sionally there are some good lines, as there ought to be in the course of two hours and three-quarters, though, whether in dialogue or | in song, it seemed to me that the utterance of only Miss Sr. Joun, Mr. Lowwen, and Mr. Srone was distinct. There is nothin ch Os

remarkably amusing in the First Act, which, however, is the better of the two ; but in the Second Act, there is a dance of four girls, all alive and kicking, which is more effective from its eccentricity than its grace; and in the last scene there is the now inevitable Irish song for Lonwen, of which a Mr. Marry is announced as the wr = qmpem, the = authors of the burlesque ving, as su drawn the line at “a rival” and ar-tval,® or at *‘ flying being a matter of u-pinion,” Patron of the Drama (to and Mrever Lutz, composer of the music of Boz - office- keeper concea the extravaganza, being unwilling to enter “‘thim). “I say, is the second for an Irish jig competition. Be this as it ®t better than the first? may, the Martin-Lonnen song, which is not (5¢4/y.) There’s no dancing brought in till just before the finish, asa aaepan. bonne bouc he, is nota patch upon ** Killaloe > ” but to see the chorus- men seriously marking the time on each other’s heads with their shillelaghs, after the fashion of ‘‘The Two Macs,” is very funny, and a hit, ‘‘or several hits,” as the Dissemblers would say. The music is poor, and affords little opportunity for FLtorence St. Jonn or for anybody else. Mr. Stone, who appears as Valentine, may probably be—as the dissembling melodramatists nightly jointly observe—a precious Stone, only requiring a better setting to Giutey his real brilliancy; but those who remember M. Murmer as the burlesque Valentine in Le Petit Faust,—an opéra bouffe full of fun and sparkling melody,—will be inclined to t either that the English low comedian has never seen that performance, or, if he has, that he has not sufficiently profited by it. By the time this notice appears, improvements may have been made in the piece. After the First Act, I overheard a Masher laintively inquiring at the pigeon-hole of the Box-office, ‘‘ Is the md Act any better than the first?” What the invisible official’s answer to this was I could not eateh, but the complainant, in a deeply injured tone, went on, ‘* Look here, there’s no dancing in the First Act, don-cher-no.”’ I suppose he received some nom # A. assurance on ~ subject from the hidden oracle, the veritable Jack-in-the-Box- Milice, as his swelling shirt-front, returned, struggling with suppressed emotion, to his stall. Gaiety Man ent ought to know how to cater for Gaiety Masherdom : ‘‘ plenty of ‘ caper’ sauce,” as the dissembling Adelphian melodramatists all say, both together, of course. _ Yet when that bright particular star of burlesque, the inimitable Neue Farren, is absent from the Gaiety, the gaiety of its patrons seems to be eclipsed. What a “ little, Dr. j Faust” she was, when Terry was the Me- *— phistopheles, and Kate Vavenan the elegant Marguerite! I hope, for the sake of Mashers and Management, it may not turn out that fi ; There 's nae luck about the house, _ There's nae luck at ’a; There ’s nae luck about the house When our own Newu’s awa’. Yes, in her absence the Gaiety Faust seems but foreed gaiety, after all, judging at least <= by the present effort, says, with incorrect Qc): < pronunciation, Jack-In-THE Box.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL e of | Clearly the melodramatists are further observation made he none, but with his hand on | | eight miles by road. | evening in the Recreation Room—theatricals, dumb-

jany sympathy. As Cuartes James Fox wrote,—‘‘It has been thought dangerous to the morals of mankind, even in fiction and romance, to make us sympathise with characters whose general conduct is blameable.” Hear! hear! Andas I could not imagine |anyone sympathising with Ariane, or with any of the dramatis per- sone, 80 | did not consider that play as dangerous to morals. us “*the point of this here remark lays in the application of it,” as was comparing the moral effect of the two plays, and not their literary or dramatic merits.—J. I. T. B. VOCES POPULI. AT A NORTH BRITISH HYDROPATHIC, Scenz—An immense Drawing-room, lighted by numerous gas- burners, and furnished on a scale of pOuns nam. itis after dinner ; tea and coffee have just been served in the corridor outside, and persons of more luxurious habits have brought in their cups to sip at leisure. On settees in the centre sit middle- aged Ladies in grey, red, and white woollen shawls, each politel admiring the other’s work. Very young Ladies whisper and laug in the window-seats, all about nothing, and exhilit the liveliest affection for one another. Others converse, not unconscious of the distinction, with the exceptional Young Men who have donned evening dress, and who glide about with an agreeable atr of feeling perfectly at home. People who don’t know ye. me _— in or anything e chairs, perusing ‘‘ The Hotels of Europe,” they can get hold of, and wondering why other people are so unsociable, } to a meek little old A stout old Lady in a corner is discoursin Maid, in a strong Yorkshire accent, which from time to time compels the unwilling attention of everybody in the room, The old Lady's husband endeavours in vain to catch her eye from the background, as her confidences threaten to become vf, an alarmingly intimate nature. In the foreground, two Visitors have just discovered a bond of sympathy in the fact that neither of them has found Scotch scenery quite what he expected. First Visitor (delighted). You weren’t much impressed with the Kyles of Bute? You don’t say so! Now that y is very curious —no more was I! Now, Loch Lomond is certainly rather pretty— (as if he did not wish to turn its head)—bits of it, you know. But the Trossachs—what are the Trossachs, after all ? Second V. Exactly. (Feeling that this settles the Trossachs.) What are they? And then some people tell you Glencoe’s so mag- nificent—I went through it in a pouring rain, and all I can say is—I couldn’t see anything in the place! and look at Staffa and Iona—why, to hear some people talk—— First V. (ina largo-cuiniied way). Well, I didn’t think Iona was so bad myself, I must say ; Second V. Ah, perhaps you’re a good sailor, now I’m always ill on any steamer—— J The Yorkshire Lady (in a slow ruminating voice). An’ so ah said to ma husband, ‘‘ Ah doan’t loike to cloime oop on them ‘ cherry boonks,’ as they cahl them, it ma vara noice,” ah said, ‘‘ when ya git oop, but if ah was oop, ah’d hev to coom daown agéan.” An ma husband sez to me, ‘‘ Doan’t ya be sooch a blethrin owd ’”’—— a Husband drops a book in the background. A Young Lady who likes Excitement (to one of the agreeable Young Men in Evening Dress). Oh, Mr. Torcxier, don’t they ever do anything here ? : r. Torckler. Oh, yes, I’m going to ask that lady in the blue spectacles to sing in a minute, and there’s somebody in the house somewhere, who will play the flute, if you go the right way to manage him. The Y. L. (pettishly). Oh, I didn’t mean that—I meant get up something. : A Solitary Stranger (seizing the opportunity of speaking to some- body). If you’re fond of climbing, there’s a very nice mountain in the vicinity—you can get up it easily in three hours, and it’s only The Y. L. (stiffly). Oh, thank you very much. (To Mr. T.) I mean get up a dance, charades, anything ! An Habituée. Ah, you should have been here the week before last, when the house was full! on every ’ There was something go . pm A thought

reading, and I don’t know what all—such fun we ! . The Y. L. (coldly). Really? (To Mr. T.) But why couldn’t we dress up, or something ? __ _[Vaguely. Mr. T. (doubtfully). Well, there’s not much point in dressing-up unless you do pater when you are up, is there? — The Y. L. (who would be quite satisfied with the mere dressing-up). I suppose not. Well then, we might dance. Mr, T. (who doesn’t dance, but would recite if anybody were to ask him). Not enough men. The Y. L. Oh, some of the pirle— (by which she means the other er.

P.S.—In my criticism on the Dean’s Daughter, a fortnight I referred to Mr. F. C. Pururps as the ‘Author of Ariane. Came BELL Praep wrote Ariane. But there is a strong similarity of cha- racter in the two heroines, with neither of whom should’ we feel |

giris)—can dance with one another propose a dance. Mr. Torckler (diplomatically), Er—well, I must find out what people think about it before proposing anything, you know. (Cireu-

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Novemper 10, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 221 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Cr ! Sy Yh wy (fe & House of Commons, Tuesday Morning, Nov. 6. body asking how the Autumn Session is likely to turn out. Put simple question toSPzaKER ; answers it at once ; doesn’t require notice, but gives a simple, absolutely safe answer. Shall know now what to say when anybody asks me. DOWN ON DONNELLY ; Or, Crushing the Cryptogram. _“ The Sonnets | pe evidence for SHAK#PRARE’S authorship like the links of chain-mail in an armour of proof. And the man who wrote the Sonnets must also have written the Poems and Plays. This can be established by those principles of scien- tific demonstration that have been applied to in the present are ay Lay unlearned man wrote both! Then the secret istory in the Sonnets is in t with the public hi of the time, and both are in ‘antipodal antagonism : to the Great Cryp' m.”—Mr, Gerald Massey, in his new edition of * The Secret Drama of Shakapeare’s Sonnets.” A port on the Poet! That should herald A real Champion’s advent, Go it, Gzratp! Punch puts it pleasantly in the vernacular, For only owls and humbugs ape the oracular Ienatius now, the ‘‘ Moo: Reker ” gone frantic, Who hunts for mare’s-nests under the Atlantic, And SHakspearr’s text, is naturally stilted, E_missa ad mensam; \from| But under Massry’s mace he must have wilted Probate Court to Westminster,| Like the pricked bladder that he is. Yes, go it! which is quite another thing.| A poet, sure, should Returned my brief in Parnell| You show ’twas Smaxs ease. All very well for young; Who wrote the Plays,—and Downey is bonneted ! fellow like Cuartes Russett| Your monumental book’s a trifle bulky to slave all day in Probate} (Five hundred pages Court and toil all night at| My massive Masser), but ’tis full of ‘‘ meat,” Westminster. But he hasn’t} And sown with Song as masculine as sweet. been in collar since A.D, 1841. Mellifluous echoes of Looked in at Speaker’s Court} Whose music filled the Great Armada times, this morning, to pay respects} Three centuries since, and still moves heart and brain to Speaker. In excellent} More than the pageantries of Lane. health and gale ; has had} ‘Tush! none but mi like of sonneting,”’ we rest, and ready for work.| Sings SHaxspeaxe’s self with an ironic ring. ound him, by way of rehearsal CL of business thatopens this after-| Who have not time or heart a t. he Ske oweetly sonneted, turn some critics sulky, the master-rhymes, Minstrels at least will thank ; for the rest for the Great Quest ’ ; noon, blocking his own wig. After the Secret of the Sonnets, these ‘The only measure—7§ in. x 11—one in my position can block,” he said,| May dip and taste where there’s so much to please gently touching one of the curls. — ‘ ‘‘ Going to have a quiet time, Sir, do you think ?” I asked. Both student bee and social eatteely : Whilst a// will track with grateful heart and eye ‘* Well, that depends,” he said, slowly. ‘‘ We may and we may not.” This| Your slaughtering of that colossal Sham | very interesting. Nothing like going to head-quarters for information. Every-| Egregious Donne.iy’s Great Cryptogram ! , . + . | | lates at as wide a radius from her as possible, while she endeavours | to find out from the expression of those he addresses, their willing- ness to dance or otherwise—an object in which she might be more successful if he were mentioning the subject at all.) The Yorkshire Lady (as before). An’ ah went straiight hoam, an’ ah poot on a moostard pledster, bahk an’ front, an’ next moarnin’ boath ma legs wur ahl swelled oop loike——~ [An agonised expression in her hearer’s face warned her to lower her voice at this point. Another Young Man, in | awry | Dress, approaches a group of Young Ladies. All the Young Ladies (coquettishly). Now you mustn’t come here, Mr. PattLe—you are such a dreadful tease! You must promise to behave if we let you stop. [They make room for him with alacrity. The Y. M. (taking a Novel, with an elegant carelessness). Is this very pathetic ? The Owner of the Novel. I won’t have you making fun of it—it’s lovely. I’ve wept pints over it! I left off just at the most exciting part. I’m dying to know how it goes on—I should be reading it now if I didn’t want to finish this sock. [ Knits calmly. The Y. M. (to Vocalistic Young Lady), Aren’t we to have a song this evening ? The Voe. Y. IL. How can you ask me? Why, you know how I broke down last night ! The Y. M. (gallantly). Well, 1’d rather hear you break down than other people finish. I know that. : Proud Mother ( om Provinces). There’s my daughter here will be happy to sing if you like to ask her—she’s had a first-rate teach- ing ; and people who know what good singing is, tell me The Daughter (in modest confusion). How can you go on 80, Mamma? You'll make the gentleman think I’m something wonderful! (She is induced to consent to sing.) Well, what will you have? I’ve “* Only the Moon and Thee, Love!” (looking u under her sloshed —cume of my songs are rather soft—and there's Say but ne Word, and Iam Thine!” (archly)—that’s a hint to some of you 1 Will you have that? Or this is The Y. M. (prudently, after looking through her music), 1 think, if you wouldn’t mind singing ‘‘ The Better Land” [ She is disappointed, but sings it, without interrupting either the reading or the conversation. The Yorkshire Lady (speaking oe | music). 80 ah said to th’ | Doactor, ‘‘ Doactor, ah want you to tell ma joost wheer it is ah’m | sooffrin’—is it ma loongs,” ah said, ‘‘ or ma chest, ur ma———”’ The Singer (with solemn feeling). ‘‘ Not there—not they-ere, my che-ild!”’ [Song concludes amidst faint and absent-minded applause. The Young Lady who likes Excitement (to herself), That's over, \thank Goodness! There’s ents of time for a dance still, if they |only make haste. I’m sure I can hear some one playing a Waltz in |the Recreation Room. What are they waiting for? (Zwo Men lenter, and look around inquiringly), Have they come in to find |partners? Then there is dancing! (The two Men bring out a chess- | board, and begin to play).... Pigs! (Mr. Toncxier, after con- | versing confidentially in various quarters, goes out with Mr. PAtTLe.) | They ’re going to arrange about it at last! (Waits hopefully for | some time—the lively young Ladies collect their work, and go out too), |Oh, those girls are going now. I’d better ask someone, perhaps. |(Crossing to Matron). Do you know where those gentlemen in |evening dress have gone? : rs Matron. 1 heard them say something about a game of billiards, and a cigar. : The ¥. L. (blankly). Oh (hopefully), but all those young ladies— where have they gone to? — Matron. The young ladies? Oh, they’ve gone to bed—we keep early hours here, you know. The Yorkshire Lady. An’ he gave ma a perscreepshun, abl fooll o’ things that ah wasn’t to teak. Ah moos’n’t edt bréad, an’ ab moosn’t eat potéatoes, nor yet mooffins, nor tea-ciak, nor no péastry nor swéats (meditatively)—boot ah niver wur a swéat eater—ah niver wur thot! (4 nd 80 = evens -room gradually empties, till the & pretty ona—* Ome 188, and then—we Part!” Yorkshire ady is le with the little old Maid, who throws in an automatic “ Yes” at intervals, and wonders if it will be rude to say she is rather tired. i gukarahey. (eet cod at

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Novewemn 10, 1888, \\\ \) 0 \ \\ \e iN A ! Neca | iK a -? 4 beg _ VEN | - ‘WW \] Ni Wh Waditior al Te, 7 FF é / AY A) AH tps 174 eee ae Y Wy) / | Neues? = jz \ [i*, CULMS \4Af H)| }. oe Ma? © CS te) Se 2 cs oo | | pee * ‘h ; ie sé ae ort pire OUR IMBECILES. Elderly Masher (who can't see that his attentions are unwelcome), "‘1'mM suRE You ’RE FOND oF Music/” Persecuted Fair One (pettishly). ‘‘Ou—YE8—VERY—WHEN IT PUTS A sTOP TO CoNVERSATION /” _— - , . If we can but get on, we ’ll make some of them quake. THE AUTUMN MEET. Let us hear the hounds challenge, and in the right brake, A Huwytine Sone ror Tue St. Srerwen’s Season, Tally ho! ‘Tally ho! then, across the clear plain. Atm—‘‘A Southerly Wind and a Cloudy Sky.” Tally ho! Tally ho, boys! Have at him again! M.F.H. sings :— We must ride, whip and spur, for, I hope, a short chase ; A NonpEscript wind and November sky _Our horses all panting and sobbing. Look queer for a hunting morning. Young ——- and Riot will soon want to race ; sut the Meet is fixed, and away we hie, [ fancy we'll have some rare mobbing. Loved leisure and liberty scorning. But hold,—alas! they'll spoil our sport, To horse, my lads, to horse, away ! If they over-run or head him short. The chase admits of no delay. Clap round him, dear Bri, and if some of the pack, On horseback we ’ve got ther we ’ll trot. Like Random, go hotly, hark back! hark back! Though if J see the need of it, may I be shot !) Some will see a fresh quarry in every bush ; More spouting forbear, see the cover appear ! If you let ’em run wil , we shall ne’er get the brush. lhe pack ’s a mixed lot, and the country is queer.) Who-hoop! who-hoop: I’d give many a crown Drag on him! Ah, wind him, my good, steady hounds If the fox we are after were fairly run down! That sounds like full faith, but I fear with faint grounds.) . If only the cover and furze they will draw, CUTTINGS TRANSPLANTED. m! 7 peti ak pe pe lew, Tas came out of the Bristol Times and Mirror, October 29:— Wild Writ is the plague of the kennel. ‘ ESIDENCE, most centrally-situated, CLIFTON, to be LET, with a per- When away we hy, some puppies may halt, manent Gentleman Lodger, who will remain if desired (or for SALE). Some strike a false trail and the pack put at fault. Rather hard on the Lodger, unless, like every other man “‘ he has Will they cast round the Schoolhouse far out of our track ? his price,” and can pocket the proceeds for his own benefit. To the old Shamrock Spinney essay to try back ? This is idyllic, out of the Stamford Mercury :— Shall we hear a hound challenge in Sackville Sedge, OUSE-PARLOURMAID wanted. Must be thoroughly fitted and recom- Or take us full tilt o'er ** Diplomacy = qo H mended, defty and debonair. Man-servant kept. helor’s house. Hark forward! Hark forward!” Oh, bother the noise! “‘Defty and debonair!” Quite Miltonian. Appropriate too in Keep ‘em straight if you can, Surrn, then “‘ at it, brave boys!” | ¢he pages of a Mercury interesting himself in looking out for a Hebe. A stormy sky surcharged with rain ‘* Bachelor’s House.” Alas! poor Bachelor! The chance of good sport opposes. caine vicina ’ In the mettle of some of the pack trust is vain : i And J beven’+ much faith on theie necee, Nore sy Lorp Gor-THe-Sackvit_e.—The American BayaRpD may Each moment now the sky grows worse ; be “‘ without fear,” but he’s not ‘‘ without reproach.” _ Enough to make bland B-Lr-z curse. Retreat oy : If they ’ll pick the ground we would take them through, Mrs. Ram says the fogs affect her severely, and she’s afraid her All’s well; but if not, there is mischief a-brew. cold will turn to comic Bronchitis. — , MUMIA DOL 1H \ “dl Mee a ‘ ONWINDVOW,. YL A

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novemper 10, \ | "/, ‘ 4) THE AUTUMN MEET. His Lorvsare. ** MORNING! YOU’VE GOT A MIXED LOT IN THE PACK, SMITH,—AND A DIFFICULT COUNTRY ;—HOPE YOU’LL KEEP ’EM WELL TOGHRTHER* i

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—_— Novemsgr 10, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 225 A PARTHIAN SHOT. Examiner. ‘‘ THANK You, Mr. Jongs! I’M AFRAID IT ISN'T NECESSARY TO TROUBLE YOU ANY FURTHER. GooD MORNING.” Plucked One (who has at all events read his Nineteenth Century). ‘‘ An, 1T’8 ALL VERY WELL; BUT THEY'LL BE EXAMINING YOU PRESENTLY—AND SEE HOW You'LL Likg 1T/ GOOD MORNING.” ROBERT ON THE NEW LORD MAYOR'S SHO. Wet, I suttenly did think that, ewen in these times of uniwersal mokery and | irrewerence, there was jest a few things as might reesonably be xpected to remane sacred from the profain touch of the ribald gester, and fust and foremast among ’em was the hancient, the time-honnerd, the truly gorgeus festival of Lord Mare’s Sho! But no, I was rong for wunce, and I confesses it in sackcloth and hashes ; that is to say, I am sure as I wood, if so be as I knowd how to get through that werry gritty an skrunching seremony. But then, of coarse, I did not make proper elowance for the edansioy of a Gent who combines in his own sollem perme such a strange wariety of karacters as a Hem Pea, a Barrow Night, a ollytishun, a Joker, and a Tea Toteller ! And what a hordience Sir Wi11am Lawson selecks to adress on so him- portant and hinterestin a subjeck! What can a lot of mere Wesmorland Voters kno or care about Lord Mare’s Sho? Why, less than even he does— and how much is that? Why he acshally tells his pore hignorant lisseners, and xpecs them to bleeve him, that it is the custom to have in the sacred Sho camels, and bufferlows, and ellefants, and jackasses, and men in armer, and | tom-fools, a marching about! What a minglin of the subblime and the ridicklus! | ; those good old days are gone for ever; but Gamps and Elefants and Men in Armer on the one and, and Jackasses and Tom Fools on the other! My curiossity is naterally xcited to kno who he could have meant by the jackasses and tom fools; but I naterally refranes from persuing | the dellicate inquiry too fur. aving his discripshun of the Sho, I passes on to his ludickrus acount of € werry grandest bankwet as takes place in the old City, as is so notorious for em. Woud it be bleeved that so wunderfool is his hutter hignorance on these | himportant matters, that he acshally describes the Ero of the nite as being | Serrounded with Torys and Turtels! Torys and Turtels! What a singlar com- | binashun! Torys, the bo hideal of humane wisdom and wirtue, and Turtels, the bo hideal of skrumpshus and happytising food ! ; : _ But only to think of the witty water-drinker’s hutter hignorance of igh-class Wittels, as well as of igh-class dri Why he acshally seams to fansy as that Turtels is brort on table at dinner, all hole, like Turbots, and such small dear! | to what ‘‘a Nurse’s Ah, what a rewelashun it will be to him sum day when he fust tastes Reet Turret Sour! I halmost henveys him his grand sensashun. I admires his awdassity much more than his good taste as to the halterations he boldly wentures to suggest in the grand percesshun, and from what I ears, here an there, I don’t think as there ain’t werry much chance of there being adopted. What mere rubbish to have a picter of Mr. Goscuen hoffering Lord Sontsperry a blank check! Wot’s the use of a blank check, I shood like to know, to Lord Sorusperry or to anyboddy helse? If the Chanceseller of the Xchecker had a bin shown a-hoffering of him a five pun note for hisself, there woud be sum sense in it, and in spite of his estonish- ment at a pressept from sitch a quarter, his Lordship woud > amg have accepted it with rapshure. And then only fansy a doing away with the thrillin and awe-enspirin site of no less six reel Men in Armer, all brort from the Tower of Lundun, by the speshal permission of H.R.H. the Dook of Camenarper, to keep the mob in order, and substitootin for ’em Mr. Witxre Cottiys a milkin a Cow in a werry large feeld! Why the thing’s too ridickulus to ewen dream about, tho I confesses as I do have sum rayther rum uns sometimes, ’speshally after a werry scrumpshus bankwet. Howewer, seeing, I spose, in what Amilet calls his mind-your-eyes, that, in a Persesshun in the werry richest City in the hole World, sumthink like splender woud be looked for, he p’ to have, next to the Cow-milking seen, a Gilded Carrage; all werry right and werry p r, says ewerybody of taste; but he must have a nice idear of the size of a Gilded Carrage, for it is to contane not ony Mr. Joz Cuoampertine— as he werry irreverently calle the fashnable Member for Brummagem—but he is to have with him a lot of Dooks and Dutchesses, and Publicans, and Archbishups, and Brewers ! Why, wot nonsense! Why, ewen a large penn Homnibus woodn’t hold’em! And wot a way in which to speak of the werry hiest horders of the Nobility, Dooks and Dutchesses, and Archbishups, and the most usefullest of all our Mannyfacterers, Brewers and Pub- licans ; wiz., to tork about a Jot of ’em, as if they was to be put up and noeked down at a Hoction! ut a truce to all this ribaldry and werry watery wit, at witch { confesses as I cea to be surprized when | wunce I learnt that its Orthur had never tasted reel Turtel Soup, on the one hand, and never now knowed wot it wos to drink a glass of generous old Port, or ewen jest a wee drop of reel Scotch Whiskey, on the other. Poor old Gennelman! we must, of coarse, make ewery posserble alowance for him under the pecooliar circum- stanses of his werry sad case. Ropert. Mot by a Midlothian Unionist. (Mr. Gurapstonx, writing to Mr. Hotmes Ivony, Hon. Sec. of the Midlothian Liberal Association, speaks hopefully of the prospects of Home Rule in the Constituencies] : Ly such optimist dreams though you seem to believe, To a Scholar like you is it needful to state, My dear Wii11aM, that it is the dreams that deceive Which pass through the Ivory gate’ Nursery Tatx.—A discussion has been going on as sition’ should be. Doesn’t her position depend on that of yoy = or the baby? **A Private Nurse” writes to Hospital to ask—Is it a rule for a Private Nurse to take her meals in the kitchen? Certainly not, if the custom of Mrs. Gamp and Betsy Prig is still of any authority, But perhaps Prigs never demeaned themselves by taking their meals in the kitchen. To Sir Polydore de Keyser. Wet, ‘ Every dog must have his day,” And every Lord Mayor too ; But when his day is done, he may, In all ‘‘ the beauty of De-K.,” Become a Knight, like you. New Serruve or aw Ory Saw.—You cannot touch “* La Terre” without being Soil’d.

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226 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 10, 1888, | goody- iness. Nor is it deficient i, material for low comedy or eccentrig character, without which it is difficult fo the best intentioned play to be anything but a burden to the most sympathetic and patient audience. The dramatic possibilities in Th, Pillars of Society are great, but the play as it stands certainly would not do for the stage, and the bald translation makes it ; tedious study taken as literature. As to Ghosts, the second play, the trans. lation here given may be close, but the| dialogue is even more diffuse than in Th! Pillars, and it is pointless, and irrite. | tingly wearisome to read. Here and ther | 'a situation in the — ully repulsive | |story is undoubtedly dramatic, yet, as » | play, whether for an English audience or jany other, I sincerely hope its production is impossible. The subject could be power. fully treated in a Charles-Reade-ian novel | but it requires the touch of a master hand to adorn the pitiful tale, and point the moral, | So, on consideration, I shall not inscribe my name on the fly-leaf, but shall return the | book to my friend to prove to him that he has | | not shown misplaced confidence in his friend, | and then he will perhaps lend another and | more valuable bock to the honest Bazon pe Boox-Worms, | BALLADS OF TO-DAY. ‘“‘ONE AT A TIME.” By Bungham Down, Heavity through the Casino The fumes of the roses float ; Heart of my heart! How could he know She had come by the tidal-boat ? As stiff as a royal merino, Or the fur of the sea-side goat ? (Andante hideoso.) And he danced on one and the other, | PARLIAMENTARY. "Give you Five SHILLINGS To GET ME TO WESTMINSTER Pedestrian (in a hurry). “Hr! BY TWELVE o'cLOocK.” Cabby. ‘‘Ou, YOU MAY CORRUPT ME, SiR, Jump IN. Hoss’s Vors, WE MAY CARRY IT!” Iv WE CAN ONLY SECURE THIS OLD OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. A Votvme of Insen’s Plays (belonging to “‘the Camelot Series,” of whose existence I am hereby made aware) has been lent me y a simple trusting friend. The good simple soul has written his name in the fly-leaf, with a date; but there is sufficient space to write above his signature:—‘* Jo my dear friend the Baron de Bookworms, from his sincerely attached,” and here will come in, quite neatly and appropriately, his own name in his own handwriting. I have only had time to the first two plays, The Pillars of Society, and (hosts. The first of these, until the middle of the Second Act, is troublesome reading, the dialogue being diffuse, commonplace, and the stage-directions ridiculous. But when the interest really commences, and the reader is on speaking terms with the various characters, then, as the story is pasate worked out, the plot proves to be as strong as the characters are original. Properly condensed and well acted, it ought to be a powerful play, for which able exponents should be found on the English stage. The translation is evidently truthful and very close, but the hand of a practical playwright is needed to put it into proper form. It is a pure-minded, manly-spirited, nob play, pointing a moral without any cant of Haro! and motley’s the only wear !” As he yearn’d for the stars in their courses There’s a lonely tomb where surges boom But he dances on one and the other, ‘* One at a time, love, one at a time, Softly he murmurs the sweet, old rime: One at a time, love; fair is fair, | Haro ! and motley’s the only wear. He was far too ugly to care And Beauty her shrieks would smother, And Valour forget to swear, For he was a famous Poet, And rich and debonair. (Tempo di Valse.) | ** One at a time, love, one at a time ! Ever he murmured the old sweet rime ; One at a time, love ; fair is fair, (Puffo ma non troppo.) And he leaned from the lush Casino, And scanned the sounding sea ; Like the salt of a fruitless Eno It cream’d with a mocking glee, Or moaned like the Moning Congou At a foggy Five o’Clock Tea. They play’d at the little horses, But little of them reck’d he, And the moon in her crescentrie, And his pulses reserv’d their forces, For there in the dusk was She! ( Twingiamente.) And the vacant space where his heart had Throbb’d with a fancied pain, [place As the phantom boot on a long-lost foot Wakes bygone griefs again. ( Maestoso giocoso.) And the griddering pebbles grind,— He is far too ugly to mind.

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" Novewsum 10, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL OUR JAPANNERIES. LMM CPP j PT UCR i si No. 21. COURT UP FOR LUNCH. THE PARNELL COMMISSION. (Special Report.) | Tuwesday.—Josera Grit1s has taken somebody else’s seat this | Morning. It’s mine. Has ‘“‘ called” himself to the Inner Bar, and ta sits with us. Suppose he’ll be donning wig and gown presently. Were he sits all day. Pretty to see him, as the shadows lengthen, lay | his head on Lockwoop’s broad shoulder and sweetly sleep. Some- | ‘ting weighing on his mind. Moments of abstraction when he sits | Sazing afar. Once heard something like a sigh. _, Anything gone wrong ?” I ask. Not yet,” he says. ‘‘ But I’m afeard. Do you think, when I t into the witness-box and they examine me about my visit to Paris in the spring of 1882—‘ in the spring, a young man’s fancy,’ don’t you know—do you think anything will come out about private affairs?” ** Do you mean,” I said, “‘ will they want to know anything about that little affair with the widow, that let you in for the breach: of promise case ¢”’ ‘Well, you needn’t put it quite that way, Topr; somewhere about it. You know all about legal procedure. the Judges let the Arronney-GeyeraL go into that matter ¢” “I faney they will,” I said. ‘* But I’ll look up the authorities. Haven’t got your Coke upon Littleton in your waistcoat pocket, have your” but that’s Will ~~.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novenamn 10, 1884, | an am ea i Rite. lh No, Josern hadn’t; and him to be sitting with us of the Inner |Captain. Some signs of qoaiios at first. Strong disinclination t, Bar! Tro Hearty turned up, but not in wig and gown. }meet the four pair of gleaming eyes on Solicitors’ Bench. But No,” said Tim, ‘‘ not going to stand in the way of Josern GiL.is. | growing steadier under fire, the Captain fairly faces Sir Cuizrp, Since he’s taken to the law, I take a back seat. He needs no assist- Russett. Answers his searching, subtle questions, fully and frankly, ance.” So Tr sits on modest bench with the Solicitors, and pre- Thursday.—In the hands of the Police all day. Taken up by sently tackles the Judges. ; ee P. C. Inwiw as soon as O’SHea had left the box. Subsequent! “T’m Mr. Heaty,” he says, when making an application on order |} 0 .ded over to « ustody of P. C. O'Matuey. O’Smea just locked 2] of business. é; c to bring document signed by some eminent politicians meeting j, | Brother Hawwen gravely nods, as if that didn’t matter very much. | «venient public in Wardour Street soatation against his cxdinin Josern Griuis, who tried a fall with Brother Hawwew earlier in| om politics. ©’Suxa told me all about it. | proceedings, has) «: Wrrevemny took me there,” he said, ‘‘in four-wheeled ¢ab, | been quiet for day | })indfolded. Engaged cab by the hour. Drove round by Clapham | ortwo. Encouraged Common, I believe, and so reached Wardour Street. Took ny contiguity of | off my eyes when I entered the room. Rum lot, seen through tobacm. | m™, he returns to) smoke. Smell of lemon in whiskey. Somebody hit me on smal] of! attack. JosErn, | back with flat side of sword. Then I signed my name in red ink| se up his coat | they said it was blood). They all swore at PARNELL; said I ought y back o collar, “5 to be Chief-Secretary. I paid for drinks, put protest in my pocket, he has seen HewkY | and came away. Nothing particular ever came of it; still we—j James do with his| moan they—had very pleasant evening. But I advise you to keep| gown, argues that) oot of politics, Tony. Vou never know what you'll be let in for,” | the whole of| Police Witnesses charming speeches should be fellows, especially Inwiy. read. Bland! hints Best type of Irish peasant ; that Henry AMES, good - looking, gentle - man- in picking out par- | nered, shrewd, smiling, slyly ticular paragraphs, |}umorous, with delicious was chiefly con- brogue. His conversation with cerned to mislead) Gy eres Russet worth sit- the public who read | ting a week in Court to hear. the newspaper re-| ‘There was a wide world of ports. fretty to eloquence in his way of saying see Hanwen looking | «ce Cuances.” — Entreaty, under his glasses | expostulation, hesitation, alac- at the future Exs- rity, doubt, assent, certainty, contra- Kine. A glance of | diction, and above all, wheedling, each mingled curiosity, | .xpressed in turn ir rich mellifluous impatience and|} cathing of commonplace name. Rvus- The Star. growing anger. J0- | .»11 fretted and fumed under iteration. is sera, wagging his | Snapnishly protested. forefinger as he has heard Mr. Jaggers used to do, lays down the ‘Oh. don't call me Sir CHarues.” he law, and is himself promptly laid by the heels. _ : = ger ‘No, no, no!” says Brother Hanwen, testily turning away. | 6Veew well, Sir Cuantzs.” eaid That’s all; only a monosyllable reiterated. But, how eloquent Inwre. im softest eccine notes. as & with impatient disgust of Josepn’s slightly incoherent and somewhat nures might ssothe a renttess infant malignant mages | Jory B. doesn’t try to catch the President’s Policeman to Policeman succeeded eye again. Sits and ruminates. ‘ wir ‘Tell you what, Tony,” he said, “‘when we reach Civil Service | a ee Ee eee meat Estimates, shall move to reduce vote for law expenses by £5,000, | Day Leen totaknan @ glassier stare salary of President of Probate Court. What does he mean with his! .. the afternoon shadows lencthened : ‘No, no, no’? On the whole, I’d rather have dealings with the| >. ste hin chi. B ; The Close of Day. ker” ’ earng Presently his chin sank on his breast, ‘4 Speaker. f " ., of re ssed i i ic ence. Wednesday.—Appearance of Court distinetly changed this morn-| “A [ess'ccttiny late” sakd Loc woop. This, ts, what we el ing. Chamber crowded. Bar in full attendance and plainly on} jo.6of Pay.” . ; the alert. Panyett, who is methodically as late as HarTineTon, is ; —— — actually in his place. Josepa Grixrs, descended from high estate on | Q.C. Bench, humbly seated in Solicitors’ quarter. THE IDEAL GYURL. ‘Not nearly such a homely place as the House) of Commons, : ; dest Tony,” he whispered, enviously eyeing my wig and gown. “Can| [“ Woman’s watts “en Should Ne ~ y~ I ye oy oy | do anything I He there; say what 1 please, at what fengt I Like, | a, eng, fore Mlping with he favor on he fa and sit where I think proper. Remember the time when House was | ; ’ . : ; d n Committee, and I sat in Speaker’s Chair, behind Courtney? Be | ‘* O Mary, go and scrub the draw- Oh, can this be the highest frut a pretty row here, I suppose, if, after luncheon, Judges came in and | ing-room floor, {chairs, | of time, : ; | found me sitting in President’s chair! But I will do it some day. And dust the drawing-room| This bowed and wrinkled maid, | Jory B. is tough, dev’lish tough, as they ’Il find to their cost.” | And make the kitchen stairs This weather-beaten maid,— Curtain drawn back. Judges enter; stand for a second in the| As clean asclean can be! A gruesome sight tosee? doorway ; Bar and audience rise with swift rustling noise; Judges| For so Professor Ruskin bids, | Was never horny-handed plousi- bow, take their seats. Play about to begin; subdued buzz of excite- | whose word ment. ‘“* What is it?” I asked Sage of Queen Anne’s Gate, who is| “a Cherches la femme !” he says. ‘ She =e ° Girton maiden, and her Thay poet find a mate for bet, | Instinetively turn to look in direction of new lady in black - ; : hat and hearse-plumes, forsaken by Josepa. On t eo we $n falls | Was crammed with learned lore, But inconsiderate man, m ; . a . +49 ” Say With culture to the core, But beauty-loving man familiar figure. It is he—I mean it’s Smea, (§ Sage ’s — ; Preferred ther She! joke now. Will laugh as soon as Court adjourns for luncheon. | And physiologee! i l J aps het aid , oe be Daren’t do it before. Brother Hawwen says he won't have anyoue | But — she hoed potatoes, and at An end . am laughing in Court. night H ae to teal rtilee! O’Smea in box all morning and far into afternoon. Doesn’t seem| Dead-tired home came she. ot USEEN Reese’ to like it; shaved Raed my in order the — apes enters, | = jut no use. In unbroken line below him sit o amiliar friends. ; 5 J - . PaRNELL, pale-faced, haggard-looking, staring with re yroachfui | Puasus To THE Fore.—With what object are letters m = eyes; Davrrr, taking notes; Trax Heaty, speechless with anger;| puted handwriting ordered to be photographed ?—To bring “#) and finally, Josera Gris, smiling a ghashly smile, and thinking of | authorship to light. the days that are no more, when he went down to Galway, and, in Tho shall defiance of Paawet, pulled O’Smea’s hair and scratched his face. | Free TRansLaTion.—Quis custodiet ypsos custodes? ‘* Whos) A trying ordeal for the once débonnatre but now decidedly damaged | examine the Examiners?” ” | y yet ; Is law to you and me.” Had such a hand as she! ee ty ROTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Priated Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in po case be returned, not even when accompanied by « Stamped aud Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper: Te there will be no exception.

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», dusting garden « last #) hest fruit led maid, | said,— e? €. for ner, | | plough- | | | | i AND SOLD PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Novemase 10, 1888. op eaes ome sample, sent post free on sae ee 1 EXSH uy 4 0’3 7¥. to Regent Street, W. {us BEAUTY OF THE SKIN ENMANCAD BY /POUDRE D'AMOUR , eee by Puss Bosses. eS. t Hyciene and © Penssifs and soften- rue Skin. eae: eyes weidemed by ve: patural fraicheur a will find it most soothing and pleasant Min thee Uinta he for fair shina, Natureile t anc a air Re. complexions, and for wee by Price ls. ‘ Post, free from ie 34 Te be bad of all liairdressers, Guomlets * Be’ Vislele Depot: B. ROVENDEM & tlaxo 2, RERNERS STREST, W. And 91 "95, CITY ROA», EG, LONDON. CENTLEMEN’S WIGS. PLRFECT nt ur Weightiess, ance Taserpetioah” fan eee measurement on ut om application. CHAS. 7] nD one 8 slate ‘ee for Laden’ Ww gs and alpettes. . Sea USED IN THE ROYAL NURSBRIBS. ~ BEST FOOD INFANTS. In Ting, 1s., 2¢., 5s. and 10s, each. SAVORY & MOORE, ronson, CONCENTRATED Gold Medal, 1884. FOR INVALIDS, DELICATE CHILDREN, amD PEPTONIZED rrr icon seare COCOA ano MILK fa vices ION NEEDED. MOST NUTRITIOUS. Tins, 1s. 6d. and Qs. 6d. each, obtainable” everywhere. SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. A N H y D bh 0 U S | ROBINSON A OLEAVEN'S IRISH WATERPROOF ro porte LEATHER. *...84 “ By Appeins ments to the Ladies and Cuno 3 should order their Boot- maker use this Leather only, in making and repairing their aoe Ait is gees in the celebrated soete.) suite ae Waterproof * 2 et , Trade apply, mn Manufacturers, Kendal. | KURE-QUIC. GREAT IMPROVEMENT IN RAZORS. ARBENZ'S Celebrated Crtahes Cope be OE 28 MANDARIN NEVER FAILS. RAZORS. With fully W eae and ne whew, Seen. oem fortume obtain @ good Razor.” rine of ond, Tie. Od “he each Ma be See, | ‘nn Bd. . ; in y £ led, . 107 108, Great Charles Btreet, Intro- he the Genuine GEM AIR Beware or trations, and insist upon —-™ "e ring my Trade Mark: « Swiss Cross. LOHSE’S (MAIGLOCKCHEN) LILY OF THE VALLEY KURE-QUIC, Best Quinine Tonic wold, Por Colds, —— a Debdility. 2s. 6d. per Hottie. al) Chemists, and F. Newsent & Bons, » HE, MAPPIN & WEBB'S HOLLOW GROUND Post Free frum 158, Oxford Street, W., SHEFFIELD ware | Londen, or from the Masalactory, — Street, In Case Ce oosaing™ Bieck pene 4 eceses Ivory He Var eoperie r to all Venton” } made Razors. CALLARD & BOWSER’S CELEBRATED A LISSA \DERMO Wichoat Seap, Water, or Brash, 1s. OF ALLHAIRDRESSERS, CHEMISTS, ac. Wholesale: R. HOVENDEN & SONS, Berners St., W., and City Rd., B.C. London oP Ii ‘* REALLY WHOLESOME CONFECTIONERY. t Lancet. [Gola Medal, JOSEPH GILLOTT'S STEEL PENS EBSTABLISHED — NEAVE’S FOOD BEST AND CHEAPEST. FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE AGED, = 8 urgoynes Cuabcabiott Wines DE wheat Guu eerie BRUNI Liss ; sea Saat | a BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER'S INK (DICHROIC), Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT: HAYDEN & CO.,, 10, Warwick Square, E.O. Manufactures, BEWLEY £ DRAPE, Ltd., Dublia, SAVAR’S CUBEB Box of 12, ie, , 6, te. O4 Full dircctions. Ali Chemists ~ | CIGARETTES. Bavaresse’s Sandal Woot Ou Cs peules, 4+. 64. per Bos POSITIVELY CUMED CARTERS BY THESE LITTLs They tress from Dyes vale. I Healy kati e neers a] A per J y fe bir ree auecs, Drowe Mad Taste in the Mouth. Coated Tongue a Fein in the Side, and prevem Constipation and Piles. The emaiiost Stese Costen, Puns:s or * pees. but b is Kate PILLA, Hesvscus. They reve ane! uhebs, Strame Genast Ind. Alwayer ve frequentiy cure Ae thr roat Cough, Hronchi Influenza One Clgn Ineues « good bights 1e8 also relieve Dis late the Howe's and ot ar ete | Xn on es at saa atle bray States le phis ut woot by anol precious weed thet ever bee Teper eee “= Ben Joweon, oe ory ABeOLUTSLY FaertoT SMOKING MIXTURE. At all Tobacconists and Stores, in Pacuere ontr R LLOYD AND 60N4, HOLBORN BAR*, © ©. TOBACGONISTS COMMENCING. OW TO OFEN REMUUERASIVELE from any amount wever ema. of uatwated f Leer ku PHI RDLAN DEM,

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November 17, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 229 SA Ny STUDIES IN EVOLUTION. ALDERMAN BROWNJONES SENIOR EXPLAINS TO HIS 8ON, ALDERMAN BRoWNJONES JUNIOR, THAT THERE IS A LAMENTABLE FALLING-OFF SINCE HIS DAY, IN THE BREED OF ALDERMEN-SHERIFFS—NOT ONLY IN STYLE AND BEARING, BUT EVEN IN “‘ Happetite” ! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Let no one say that in the absence of Lixa Joxo from his own native village, there is no artistic talent left in Japan. Just look at the Japanese draughtsman’s picture of Masf, one of the forty Ronins drawing a bow as he points an arrow at the spectator, in No. 6 of Artistic Japan for last October. I should like to have seen Mr. Too.e’s Recollections told by Himself, chronicled by Josep Hatron, and published by Messrs. Hurst anD BiackETtt, illustrated by a Japanese artist, though Messrs. BkYAN AND Marcrrson have done their work very well. It is a very amusing book without an unkind or ungenerous word in it about anyone in or connected with the theatrical profession, and this is saying a food deal for Mr. Tooe’s forbearance, seeing how easily and successfully he might have retaliated on those who of late years, under the flimsy pretence of criticism, have rarely missed an opportunity of venting their petty personal spite on the comedian whose well deserv popelarit , and his numerous acts of generosity, must necessarily ave made for him many enemies. Mr. Harrow in Boswelli Jonywie Tooue has cleverly contrived to give the necessary ‘‘ go to most of the stories, which otherwise, owing to Mr. Tooxr’s in- imitable and original manner of oral narration would certainly have lost considerably when told in print. There is one story about H. J. Brron which Mr. Toote records as occurring a week or so before his death. The story is this: Brron’s coachman wrote to him to say that a mare in his stable in London was ill, and he wanted to know if he should give her a ball. To which Byron replied, “‘Yes—only don’t ask too many people.” Now I, moi qui parle, myself heard Brnow say this, as he said it to me one morning at Ramsgate, where he wasstaying three or four years before his death. He was holding the coachman’s letter in his hand as 1 entered the room, and was roaring with laughter. ‘‘My coachman writes,” he said, chuckling, tl pallies at his moustache, ‘‘to say hat a mare of mine is sind autes tne tf ho may give her a ball, as he wouldn’t do it without permission. I was just saying to my wife that I think I shall write and say, ‘Yes—give her a ball, only don’t too many people’ ’’—and then he laughed till he almost cried over it, so immensely was he tickled with the absurdity of the idea. There was a comparative stranger to him present, who did not see the joke immediate y, and this made Brron and myself laugh all the more. I’ve no doubt that so good a thing he repeated; but the fact of the coachman’s letter having arrived that morning, is pretty clear proot that I was among the three first—the others were his wife oan unimpressionable stranger—who heard him say i t. In No. 4, Vol. I. of The Salon I find the name of the French actor, | Git Penez spelt ‘‘ Grurrf.” Was this his real name, or is it a mis- print or an error in spelling like ‘ chawtle in his joy,” instead of ‘chortle in his joy,” which occurs in the same number? There should be no mistake about “‘ chortle,” which belongs to the classic English ef the Victorian Era. Christmas Books are well ahead of the time when they are due. | suppose all much the same as usual, but I shall make a dip in the lucky bag, and select. wet day, I strongly recommend the The Inner House (ARROWSMITH’S istmas Annual) plenty of opportunity for skipping. It may please Mr. Besanr's admirers, but it struck me as an uninteresting namby-pamby romance. The best Christmas Book I’ve seen as yet, that is to say, really a book for Christmas time and the children, is The Marvellous History of Jack the Giant- Killer, by Ricuarp Dorie. It is a book for boys by a boy, for it was drawn by him in 1842, when he was in jackets and turn-down collars. It was before he signed his initials to his drawings, with or without the eccentric dicky-bird ; but no signa- ture is necessary to inform us who the'artist was that “ inventidit druit, et didit,” when we see these quaint figures of dwarfs and giants, and funny little creatures climbing up or hanging on to the border of every page. To have kept the letter-press in fac-simile manuscript is the publisher’s mistake, as some folks will find it diffi- eult to decipher: but this is of less consequence, as each picture tells its own story, and is delightfully grotesque. I gave JoserH Harron’s Captured by Cannibals to a big boy to read. He polished it off—I am not aware that Mr. Harron’s style requires this treatment—and returned it with thanks, informing me that he thought it would suit younger boys than himself admirably. the | To anyone in want of indoor exercise, on a | lof Mr. Warren Bresant's | as affording | | I read the volatile Mr. G.’s article on Evizaneru and the Establish- | ment in the Nineteenth Century. History of England and defies State Calendars. He should write an Elizabethan drama for Avevstos DrurioLanvs, who might put him right in some of his historical facts, Reporters differ. Looking through My Autobiography and Re- miniscences, by W. P. Furru, R.A., with Notes (my own), I find that the modern Hoeartn gives an account of the banquet held in honour of Macrgapy, on the occasion of that eminent tragedian’s retirement from the Stage. Says he (after declaring that Cuantes Dickens made an admirable speech), “‘and THackERAyY also spoke well and very humorously,” to which I have added (in pencil in the margin), ‘‘ This is news, indeed!!’’ Now, it happens, that Mr. Jounw Coleman was also present at this remarkable dinner, and according to him (he has it down in his book upon Actors he has Known, just published), the author of Vanity Fair made a mess of his speechification. Mr. Coteman’s own words, ‘‘ Tuackeray, who had to propose the health of ‘ the Ladies,’ would, I thought, have broken jae n every moment, not from the cause assigned by some ‘d—d good-natured friend,’ but from sheer nervousness.’’ He moreover notes that Botwrn Lyrtrow (who was in the chair), ‘‘ seemed to him,”’ to regard his rival novelist’s ‘‘ discomfiture with an amused and languid disdain which overlaid a somewhat deeper-rooted feeling.” Again, the two his- torians adopt a distinctly different tone in referring to the speech of Cartes Kester. I give their impressions of the oration side by side :— Charles Kemble’s speech, according to Mr. Frith. I was close to CHARLES KEMBLE, who spoke right well. * * * When the old man rose, feeble and bent, but with the old stately bearing, and in the sounding and digni- fied, though somewhat shrill voice peculiar to the KemB.ezs, responded most happily to the toast, the row was deafening. Really, when the two autobiographers have nothing better to do, they might read one another’s ‘* Recollections.”” I am sure that on or the other of them will find something that he must have forgotten ! A propos of the stage, Mr. W. Davewrort Anas (the well-known dramatic critic) bas published a very readable little volume of essays, called Byeways in Bookland, It is pleasant to take a stroll through the leaves Mr. Apams has collected for us in these byeways. The leaves, although a study in ‘‘ black and white,” are full of charming colour. Tue Barow De Boox-Wounms & Co. Charles Kemble’s speech, according to Mr. Coleman. Cuoaries Kempe, whom I saw for the first and last time on that occasion, made a somewhat irre- levant speech, in the midst of which he “dried up,” and sat Mr. G. must have his own private | To quote | vor, xcv.

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Novemper 17, 1888, | ' BEWARE!” x f «thay! a yt i iy Ns " aim ni \ Ht ” ih \ Mr. Bull (to Miss America), ‘‘ Trust wu Nor. Trust him not, He is fooling thee ! His hands in blood he’d fain imbrue’;; Take care! And what he whispers is not true. Beware! Beware! Trust him not, He is fooling thee ! He has a lot ¢ votes, of course : A povustrvL Party ’s whispering thee, Take care! He can both false and friendly be, Beware! Beware! Trust him not, He is fooling thee ! He has false eyes, their gleam means crime. ; ake care ! He's playing tempter all the time ; Beware! Beware! e care. He 1s Foo.tine THEE !” He is a fiend without remorse. Beware! Beware! Trust him not, He is fooling thee ! He’ll give those votes, and promise fair, ake care! A demon gift is but a snare. Beware! Beware ! Trust him not, He is fooling thee! A SAW ILL SET. Mr. Poncn,—The writer of a recent review of Dr. Marston ’s work on Actors, adduces the celebrated definition of ‘* Genius” as “‘ an infi- nite capacity of taking pains,” and ascribes it to Lord BEaconsrre.p. As ze know, it passes for Cantyte’s. The house of the late Seer of Chelsea being tenanted by Spirit-rappers, who are said to have been invoking him—and Beaconsrretp, too—at séances, the Mediums could easily set then to settle their respective claims to the above saying, if necromancers are not impostors, and if both the statesman and the philosopher would either of them care to be credited with « stupid observation. But it is unlikely that any ghost walks in Cheyne Walk. Why, Mr. Punch, you, yourself, the greatest Genius living, must of course, well know that, so far from being a capacity for taking any pains at all, Genius is an endowment which enables anybody to do without effort marvels and prodigies which nobody else could achieve whatever pains they coul bly take. Only think of Hawpet and Mozakr performing and composing music almost before they were out of their frocks and trousers! Of Porz, who “ lisped in

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* ee — Novemper 17, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 1 numbers, for the numbers came.” Of Broper, and other calculating boys who similarly, when mere babies, could solve the most intricate ari ical problems by a merely instinctive faculty. Don’t you think, Sir, Genius had much better be defined a copecity of doing wonders, without taking any pains at all Wouldn't you say that you, in your own person, find an infinite —— of taking pains a great auxiliary to Genius indeed, and quite essential to success in its highest flights, but something as totally distinct from it as a watchmaker from a TENNyson, or a BROWNING, or even from you ? As to Lord Braconsrretp’s authorship of the account of Genius imputed to Cartyze, don’t you think that it might just as well have been set down to Mr. Giap- sToNE; and that, if it had been, that right honourable gentleman would be as sam eqnayes as ne would Led L case you were charged wi ving originated it yourself / Do help to withdraw from circulation a current aiibeede- tion of Genius altogether at variance with Common SEnsE. THE HOSPITAL FOR SICK CHILDREN. ‘Mrs. Kerrey in a new piece!” sounds startling | asa bit of theatrical intelligence—nevertheless, it was a | fact last Friday. This lively and accomplished young | lady of eighty-three played to a crowded and enthusiastic | house for the benefit of the Hospital for Sick Children | in Great Ormond Street. Happy Charity to have such an advocate!—happy Asnusy-Srerry to have his lines so delightfully given! Nota point was lost, not a chance given away; the clever and experienced actress showed she had not forgotten a particle of her art—she had the | same wondrous power over her audience that she possessed ears ago. ; ‘ At the conclusion of her address she said, with won- drous earnestness, in speaking of the children :— “ T crave for them your sympathy untold, Your love, your help, your pity—and your gold! The last I’m bound te have, for, you must know, I played Jack 8 rd many years ago! I *ve not forgot his impudence, his dash— His rare persuasive power when seeking cash ! Stand and deliver—sovereigns, fifties, fives— We want your money, for we want their lives! ”’ It is to be hoped that the eloquence and persuasive on of Mrs. Keevey will have the effect of ‘‘ sovereigns, fties, and fives,” being speedily delivered to the treasury of this excellent Institution, which is only waiting for money in order that its new wing may be built, and its sphere of usefulness substantially enlarged. FELINE AMENITIES. “My pear Susan! I DECLARE YOU'RE GETTING MORE LIKE MARGARET | EVZRY Day!” ‘‘On, COME NOW—YOU SAY THAT TO FLATTER ME!” ‘* Waar? You DON’T MEAN TO SAY YOU ADMIRE HER!” A CASE OF SOUND MEDICINE. place in the treatment of disease. . with gout.”—Lancet. Scene—A Sick Chamber. Invalid discovered groaning Enter Doctor, briskly. Doctor. Well, and how are we to-day ? Invalid, Oh, very—very ill! Worse, Doctor—worse ! I ordered. Invalid. Oh, yes, indeed I did. sleeping draught for a lotion ? Invalid. Oh, no, Doctor you can tell me your sym pain here, and a pain there. Just sing ‘‘ She Wore a Wreath of Roses.” Invalid. I am sure I can’t! I haven’t sung for years. ‘She wore a wreath ——”. Now, then, go on. Doctor. Come, now, don’t you feel better already ? Doctor. Dear me! Surely you could not have taken the medicine ; L was very careful indeed! (Sadly). But . : Pep they all have done me no good. I think I am worse thanever! Oh! o- = are not yet quite yourself, oms. Invalid (after showin is ). Well, Doctor, you see I have a of ** Sir Ro ’ ” : =e [ Describes in detail his ailments, *°™® dose of ™ Sir R cl és rine Doctor. You surprise me! But I fancy I can put you straight. Invalid. I am sure I can't. (Sings feebly.) ‘‘ She wore——’ ! Gives the rest of the song with unconrentional variations. { wishes to ‘‘ Joserpn’s Sweetheart.” Invalid. Well, I don’t know ; still—— Doctor. Of course you are! And now for a dance. re, Come. (Sings and I fancy i “From the time when medical knowledge was first embodied in rules of |‘ The Highland Schottische” is about your fi ’ practice, and probably from a much earlier period, Music has held a recognised | dances.) ‘*‘ Rumtum titiddy-ee, tiddy-ee, tiddy-eee ; Rumtum tiddy- . . Lauded in connection, for example, | ee, Ri de foll de dolly de?” Surely you can dance to that ? Invalid. I will try it. Let me see. ‘*‘Rumtum-titiddy-ee.” [Sings and dances feebly. | Doctor. That’s right! (Takes his hands, and dances about ener- | getically.) Never mind the twinges at first. They will go off by- and-by. (After a few minutes of singing and dancing.) There now! How do you feel ? Invalid (sinking on a couch.) I am much, much better. Doetor (heartily), I knew you would be! Invalid. And now, Doctor, that Iam cured, do you mind telling | | on a sofa. Doctor, Sure you did not swallow the embrocation and use the me what was the matter with me? Doctor. Certainly. Ihave treated you for a slight attack of gout! twill send you a Saraband to CO anced before bed-time, and the music for a Polka-Mazourka, (Groans, that you must run through two or three times before you have your Doctor. Dear me, that’s bad ! Let me see your tongue ; and then breakfast to-morrow morning. And now good-bye, as I have to gu and cure some children suffering from measles with a good thet eri, A Nor Partiatty Crackep.—It was recently suggested in the Times that cocoa-fibre would be useful as material for lining our warships. This theory, though not solving the old problem about Doctor, The greater the reason you should commence. Now, then, “‘ She Wore a Wreath of Roses.” Come make an effort (sings)— the presence of milk in the cocoa-nut, does account for the hai: outside. More or a Unionist roan Ever.—Mr. Coamprntarx. Pest ,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 17, 1888,

ROBERT ON LORD MARE’S

= ‘ > a 4 4 ‘ 7 aM | yp WAY 1 an 4 re hee N 7 , masts pected. Buy some books on fruit-farming, and feel rather proud of < : Turtel Soo of “= my position. Shall talk (to friends who don’t know much about me) go ~~ eswerel hehe ams|°! . my place in the country.” Hope they won’t come down and part en = « Show by order of 4 fouls. as was | ind me hoeing mangel-wurzels. yal George. : , : Rather disappointed with perusal of the books. Find apples don’t all to be J&. like a ‘‘ pebbly loam.” Also only a few kinds of apples have any the Poor nex mornin, and the tired and py em then sort | *##e nowadays. Call in a horticultural expert, and ask him to care that none of the fine old Wine shood be their umbel omes; and the ony sound to be herd was the silent tread of the ever wakeful ee ~y = was, for some payne Fi come, the great City Surweyor. But why does he cum to a en paws |. : . 9 in his silent rownd? why, after a close examination of it with his| “ll, then, what advantage doI get out of the old trees ; lighted dark lantern, does he xclaim, ‘‘ Why, Rosert, my toolip, m airth are you dooin there ?”’ I was a sleepin the sleep of the onest but tired-out Waiter, under ; é : . a Sofy in the Committee’s priwet ref down jest for about 40 winks; and havin, in the dark, rapt a table- cloth around my manly figger, to keep out the ut rayther a strange apairance to my stood up to my full hight before his estonished It was all the frutes of hover work. It is, I bleey werry fust time in all my long life as I have hever been gilty of sitch care as it’s t. But my xcuse must be that it was all dun from a good and with a nobel hobjeck. I had herd sitch alarmin roomers of what was to be done, and what was not to be done, as respecks the Sacred Sho, that I was deturmind to see for myself with my hone eyes, and hear for myself with my hone hears, and be reddy to ersist the pore Life Gards and the pore Huzzas if they shoud be atacked by the angry mob who was of coarse naterally isappinted at being of dense stoopidity, and I shall take preshus ‘up Gards and at ’em!” jest think what und all wit 1 ony 2 hands! It’s quite bad en carry a Tooreen of hot bilin coup, and a cupple of wine- u nd a carving nife in my mowth, e wuss than ewen mine. t I reelly the ‘* Royal Grorez,” the Commander-in- diy refuse to let us have jest about ten or twenty thousend Wolunteers to pertect us all, in the habsence of the six Men in declair, and wen I says that, I means neether the Lord Mare’s State Cocheman Postilyun, nor ewen his three State Footmen, showd by their pail any fear of the shoutin mob as was a scrowgin around ‘em. ey felt in their hinnermost buzzums, them alone can tell. scoflin and grinnin Sinnick dowtless grinned and scoffed un ewer when he seed the rain a poring down back to Gildhall weary and worn, and rumpled that not nobody but them as know’d me well coud ever have took me for a hed Waiter; but a good wash and brush up, and a clean | white coller and choker, and two glasses of old brown Sherry—the | werry best rewiver as kindly natur ewer perwided for xhausted ic manity set me to rites, at eny rate for a time. iuntest persuns of the hole himportant City; wiz., the 1 Mare, the present Lord Mare, and the future Lord sleepin Some — ucksery ; the ap Gests was all fled ; “y - the careful Com.| Pebbles than loam, apparently. ‘‘Scratch your loam, and you find mittee Men had| Pebbles.” Owner shows me orchard, paddock, cart-shed, &c., and locked | duces me to take over his live and dead stock at valuation. cubbord| Settle atfarm. Twenty miles out of town. Nearest rail two and of broken | * balf miles; cartage to railway costs more than I expected. Have wittels, includin | P®y Gardener, too ; poy him more (I fancy) than either of us ex- 5 hole carefull up all fulls i trewse to these refleckshuns, and let me purseed to state ; but if he had had my xperience he woud have known that, ll sitch himportant eceashuns as Lord Mare’s Sho, ** The clouds | will pass if we ’ve pashens to Wait; ” and so it was on Friday. DAY. , , : Reap Grapstone’s advice about fruit-farmi [ae revells was all over on the hallowd Ninth. The three most apples, and all the rest of it, with great whee 5 — I must suttenly tchman Wa eyes! leprived of their speshal darlings, the Men in Armer from the reel of Lundon, and Ropsrye Hoop’s Merry Men from Hepping , and Burnthem Beeches. But I need not have bin alarmed. Why, the brave fellers pla away on their drums and trumpits and orns and rumbones, all ion | the shouting Mob, jest the same as if they ’d a bin in High Park. | As I stood gazin at em with all the admirashun as I coud muster considerin how werry cruelly I was a being shoved about by the and hignorant Mob, ] begun for to wunder how on hearth they ewer manages to do all they’ve got to do when they l. The genelman as has 2 drums to play on, in case ne shoud brake, woud always have his too drumsticks with witch efend hisself from the hinsolwent fo, as Othello wery propperly m, but how about the gent with the orn? Supposing as he’s ordered t He has to play his orn, to guide his galliant steed, and to fite i e’s got for to uff for me wen thinks as his eef, did most nor his State in the hurly to that xtent,

By room, havin laid | ™® still further. about the ed into spose HOE DEAR! jam, cherries, € do the poor e : | doing this abe of thing in the comf, country? Soimprovident! Believe there’s a fortune to made was all in oeally out of growing fruit and vegetables for London market, and mean to try of congregate in big towns, instead o try. Have bought a small farm. Nice light soil. Owner (who seems very anxious to get away), describes it as a ‘‘ pebbly loam.” More inspect my orchard. expert comes, Condemns orchard root and branch. Says, “‘ onl thing to be done is to grub up these ’ere trees, and plant noo a 4 ** None whatever,”’ he replies; ‘‘ might just as well have bought a bit of meadow.” Depressed. I think of riddle—‘‘ What’s the good of Acres when you can’t get a Bob out of them?” Riddle depresses Give up apples. Plant no end of cherries and gooseberries, Gar- dener says, *‘ important for fruit to go off directly it’s ripe.” Mine goes off oe it’s ripe. Goes off altogether; boys steal it. Also plant cabbages and mushrooms. Gardener says, ‘‘a fine opening for mushrooms.’ Spend a month or two buying spawn, making beds, &e. Whata lot of attention mushrooms do want! Call this ** small culture,” indeed! Find that the opening for mushrooms has closed when I come to sell them. Buyers offer a price which just about covers cost of carriage to town. I ask why? They explain that ‘*public fancy has changed; mushrooms not in vogue—tomatoes | are.” Try tomatoes. Try ’em out of doors, and get ’em nipped by frost. | Try again under glass. Putting up glass very expensive. Gardener | suggests grapes. After buying one or two choice varieties, find Gardener doesn’t understand planting them! Buy book on Grape- culture. While book coming, put grape-plants in cellar. Cellar doesn’t suit them, it seems. Finally, when Teok arrives, plants have to be thrown away. Result of first year’s fruit-growing—loss of £300. Not making fortune yet. ‘Can small farms be made to answer ?’”’ somebody wants to know. Yes, if you don’t mind the answer being ‘‘ No!” This year try asparagus, in corner pr , field. Very successful. | Think of making a “corner” in asparagus in London vegetable | market. Gardener falls in with idea, and we keep crop back for a time. Consequence is, when we offer it, nobody wants to buy! Have to eat most of it myself. Get perfectly sick of asparagus in a week. Sick of Gardener, too. Dismiss him. He tells me, just as he’s going, that ‘them pertaters has the disease awful bad, and there ain’t a cherry on the trees because of caterpillars.” Winds up by saying, there’s a bill coming in for “‘ them sparrergrass beds.” There is indeed. Sucha bill! Seems that nothing will grow on the ‘‘ pebbly loam,” but that first one has to “‘ make” the soil, and afterwards grow things. Always thought farms had good soil to begin with. What’s the good of the Creation, if the ground has to be made all over again ? Losses increasing. As last desperate resource try jam. Erect small jam-factory. Have one or two fields of strawberries. Find 4 man who says he understands all about jam-making. ‘‘Get equal quantities of jam and sugar, and boil ’em up together,” he says. It sounds very simple. Sugar bill enormous. Then jam made, it really does look and taste very nice indeed. Send it to London. Letter in a few days from agent to say he can’t sell my jam at me price. Too pure. Public like it with more “ flayour” init. An this comes of making real home-made jam. What a fool the public must be! Sell my farm at fearful sacrifice, and live in a ‘‘ flat”— rather a suitable residence. Turn Tory. Understand now why poor congregate in large towns. Wonderif they’ve all been fruit-farmers like me, and made as much out of it ?

Summer oy Wovrer.—Don’t forget Mrs. Jeune this winter. She makes her usual benevolent appeal on behalf of the starving oulldzes. **One pound,” says the Standard, “‘ provides an ample inner for one hundred and thirty-seven hungry little ones.” There’s 4

RoseErt.

Sovereign remedy for starvation !

—

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i ae | | | | | she knew anything about it? She repli : Novemper 17, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 233 THE CRAMMER’S LAMENT. (Song yor the Times.) THERE’s a stir in the air ; there are straws on the wind That with dismal forebodings are filling my mind! ’Tis whisperd the public, that ’ so long slumber’d, Is waking at last, and that my days are number’d. Oh ! say not ’tis true, for if fierce competition, The secrets of which I have measured so neatly, Is flung by the Powers that be to ti completely, i f some, and e- spairing, what ll be For a poor shunted, unemployed Crammer like me ? One Result of Cramming. For if they decide, ot the service of truth, To rescue the mind of intelligent youth From a system that all its intelligence clearing Clean right out of the way, ekes it out with veneering, A showy yo with facts but inducing, And all solid knowledge away glibly casting, Instead, in its place, its mere sem ucing, Oh! I ask, if this w For a poor shunted, unemployed Crammer like me ? THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. October 30.—I should very much like to know who has wilfully torn the last five or six weeks out of my diary. It is perfectly monstrous! Mine is a large seribbling with plenty of space for the record of my everyday events, and in keeping up that record I take (with much pride) a great deal of s. I asked Carre if was my own fault for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning, and the sweeps in the house. I said that was not an answer to my question. This retort of mine, which I thought extremely smart, would have been more effective had I not jogged my elbow against a vase on a table temporarily pieces in the passage, knocked it over and smashed it. CaRRIE was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a pair of vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding-day by Mrs. Burtsert, an old friend of Carkix’s cousins, the PomMER- ons, late of Dalston, I called to Sanau and asked her about the diary. She said she had not been in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep had left, Mrs. Brrrext (the charwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted the fire herself. F inding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, I examined it, and found it was a piece of my diary. So it was evident someone had torn my diary to light the fire. I requested Mrs, BreREy to be sent to me to-morrow. October 31.—Received a letter from our principal, Mr. Perxurr, saying that he thinks he knows f a place at last for our dear boy Lurry. This, in a measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary, for I am bound to eonfess the last few weeks have been devoted to the record of disappointing answers received from people to whom I had applied for appointments, for Lurry. Mrs. Brrrert called, and in reply to me sai 5 "She never see no book, much less take such a liberty as touch it.” I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she said she would do her best to help me, but she remembered the sweep lighting the fire with a bit of the Echo. 1 requested the sweep to be sent to me to-morrow. I wish Carrie had not given Luprw a latch-key. We never seem to see anything of him. I sat up till past one for him, and then retired tired. _November 1.—My entry yesterday about “ retired tired,” which I did not notice at the time, is rather funny. If I were not so worried jo now, I might have had a little joke aboutit. The sweep called, but d the audacity to come up to the hall-door, and lean his dirty bag of soot on the door-step. He, however, was so polite, I could not rebuke him. He said Saran lighted the fire. Unfortunately Saran heard this, for she was dusting the bannisters, and she ran down, and flew|in leaded type, my movements are reported , causing a row on the front door-steps, into a temper with the sw happen for anything. I ordered her which I would not have about her business, and him—and so I was, for the door-ste onpgutiite of his visit. I would willin i out who tore my diary. Yovember 2.—I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whose company I never tire. We had a most pleasant chat about the) letters on “‘ Is iage a Failure?” It has been no failure in our case. In talking over our own happy experiences, we never noticed that it was past midnight. We were startled by hearing the door | were covered with soot, in | gly give ten shillings to find sweep I was sorry to have troubled | slam violently, Lurmy had come in. He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the passage, or even to look into the room where we were, but went straight up to bed, making a terrible noise. I asked him to come down for a moment, and he begged to be excused, as he was ‘‘dead beat,” an observation that was scarcely consistent with the fact that, for a quarter of an hour afterwards, he was positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, ‘See me dance the Polka! ” or some such nonsense. November 3.—Good news at last. Mr. Perxvurr hee, pet an sperinticent for Lurry, and he is to go and see about it on way & Oh, how my mind is relieved! I went to Lupm’s room to take the eee news to him, but he was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to eep it over till the evening. He said he had night been elected a member of an Amateur Dramatic Club, called the ‘‘ Holloway Comedians ;” and, though it was a pleasant evening, he had sat in a draught, and got ne ia in the head. He declined to have any breakfast, so I left him. In the evening I had up a special bottle é pat, and, Lurxy being in, for a wonder, we filled our glasses and I said,—* Lup, my boy, I hove some good and unexpecte: news for xem, Mr. Perxvurr has {procured you an intment.”’ Lupry said, “* Good biz!” and we t ined our glasses, Lvuriw then said, ‘‘ Fill up the glasses again, for 1 have some unex - pected news for you.” I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Canniz, for she said, “I hope we shall think it news.” Lwupry said, “Oh, it’s all right. I’m engaged to be married.” THE VADE-MECUM OF A CHTEF MAGISTRATE. Question. When is reference first made to you by the Press ? Answer. In the early autumn of the year, when paragraphs appear in the City papers briefly alluding to my antecedents, and noting my probable election. Q. Have you then an opportunity of further advertising yourself ’ A. Certainly. If I am energetic, I can let it be known that I object to something or other favoured by my predecessor. Q. Can you do more than this in the same direction / A, Well, there is no reason why I should not, in advance of the time fixed for my appearance in my official residence, notify the funds I purpose founding there. Q. Is this not encroaching on the prerogative of your predecessor ¢ A. Not seriously ; as when I do this he, from an official point of view, will be monbund. Q. Then I presume you consider yourself well advertised by the banquet itself ? A. | consider it practically my entrance into public life ; for in the papers next day my speeches, which hi have received little attention, will be reported at a length only second to that reserved for the utterances of the Prime Minister. Q. Before attaining your exalted rank are your opinions considered of any value ? A, No, of very little value, and probably on my retirement the store set upon them will sink to the original standard. Q. Do you not during your tenure of power obtain many advan- tages A, Certainly. Ez officio | am a member of the Privy Council, and in certain emergencies, this may confer upon me the performance of duties of the highest dignity, I have the precedence of an Earl outside the City, and when I Hine in state can call upon the Sheriffs (or as in the future it will be—the Sheriff), to attend upon me. Q. Have you not omitted something which adds to your pomp ? A. I presume you refer to my custom of marching about in the company of two persons, carrying respectively, a gigantic sword and a huge mace. . Q. Do not these persons, with their comic weapons, introduce what may be termed, the *‘ pantomimic element” into your progresses / A. Possibly, but their existence is sanctioned by long usage. Q. You have too, have you not, a wardrobe full of official costumes ? A, Certainly. Some of the robes are extremely gorgeous, both in colouring and material. Q. And generally, during your term of office, do you not receive very marked attention . . A. Ido. My letters to the papers are printed in the leader page with regularity an accuracy, and my presence in even the highest quarters is regarded with satisfaction rather than astonishment. Q. And this deference is paid to you for a year ? A, Or rather, for eleven months, as my doings during the last twenty or thirty days of my tenure of power are considered of less moment than the proceedings of my successor during the same period. Q. And at the end of your year of office what will happen to you? A. If lam lucky I shall retire with a Knighthood into the ri of City private life. ’ Q. Will you, after your retirement ever re-attract public attention ? A. To judge from precedents, I do not think I ever a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —<—$—$—_—___ [Novemper 17, 1888, |

Little Darling. ‘‘Tuaat was A Warrs Sucar-Atuonp I Gave oo, Mr. SquEAMs. Crusty Old Bachelor (who is trying hard to swallow the dainty in question). Little Darling. ‘‘ItT was Pivnk—oncer!” bh! iy | i cy % Dogs 00 LIKE IT!” ‘* VERY MUCH INDEED, THANK You !”

| THE CERMAN FOX AND THE BRITISH LION. A Fable after the fashion of La Fontaine.) | A certary Lion, whose re-echoing roar Had long been heard on Afric’s eastern shore, | Had hard thereby a den convenient, spacious. Leo was vigilant, not teo pugnacious, Yet always ready, With strength exceptional and ardour steady, To help maintain, even on that wild border, His leonine ideas of Law and Order. The King of Beasts, like other royal bodies Who ’re not quite fainéant noddies, Loved not the anarchical and the chaotic. In fact his foes declared him too despotic, Too apt to bring down his prodigious paw, And call that Law. At any rate our Lion autocratical Was down tremendously on the piratical. Now in that torrid region | Dwelt certain lesser beasts—their name was legion— {knavery sole idea of kingship was sheer Built up on Slavery. Leo with tooth and claw was prompt to drop Upon these robber-bands. He strove to stop The grisly game to which the ghouls were And long had striven [given, Almost alone indeed and single-hended : For, though ~ san brutes he ’d fain have bande Against these common curses of their kind, He somehow s« ldom found them in the mind. , Greed, fear, and faction, With brutes as men, are foes to common action. Whose

There came into that region, rather later A certain Fox. No beast had shrewdness greater ; [ning, And, adding lupine strength to vulpine cun- | He rather fancied he was in the running For the reversion Of Leo’s sovereignty ; indeed some said, To share the Lion’s skin ere he was dead, Was an idea running in his head ; Perhaps ’twas an aspersion ; | But anyhow Re , With all his tricks, Found himself shortly in a sort of fix. He hardly prospered as he deemed he ought to, | And sedulously sought to. He was not trusted somehow, which seemed funny. When deeds of iron follow words of honey, | Faith fails. That queerest seems of para- | o Foxes. [doxes— | So rusé Re thought that he would try on * sort of Confidence Trick “— the old Lion. | e rig in proper pilgrim guise, With palmer-hat that flo o’er his sly eyes, With staff, and scrip, and scallop all complete, | And a long gaberdine that reached his feet, Properly girdled ; one in fact might term it The costume for a new Peter the Hermit. Togged in this manner, He bore in hand a big emblazoned banner, Whereon was written in much broidered bravery, “Down, down with Slavery !! Thus robed, our Reynard Leo thus addressed ** Leo, my friend, 1’m really quite distressed At the black geese that shame this :egion | torri ” rrid ; They ’re truly horrid ! | | Can it, oh! can it be a mere pretence As for one cruel and kidnapping band, They ought =I be put down with a strong and. You who ’re so noble, Must feel, I’m sure, To give free licence to this bad black trade. nerous, and strong, | Shall we not join, then, in a New Crusade ” | i at it is really wrong You always were a bit of a knight-errant, I’ve quite a fit of missionary zeal ; United, I am sure that you will feel Our influence on this sin will be deterrent. And—though that is, of course, the merest | trifle— Help any doubts of our good faith to stifle | I’ve found such doubts a little in my way). | Come, Leo, what d’ye say *”’ Leo said little, but he looked a deal, For, hanging at the back of Mr. Fox, Girt to his body by a chain of steel, He spied a certain box, Savouring to Leo, who could spot a trader, More of the bagman than of the Crusader. ‘* Reynard,” he mused, ‘* whence is this new- born passion For the knight-errantry not much your fashion ? To gain prestige—and trade—at my expense?’ True, it might task all rascal, Our banded strength to crush the desert The battener on blood, whom I, ’tis true, Have hunted long, with little aid from you. If—if indeed You meant it in good faith, his curséd breed We'd quickly banish from this tropic shore. But—s there nothing more | ———t

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novewser 17, 1888. fA 44 TA WZ \ a = gd), 4, Up 4 ; ; WW) a \oe > y pb y—— ie a a VL Vz ‘“ = ‘ « . — ‘ S —— \VFiy —— . f : THE GERMAN FOX AND THE BRITISH LION. Fox. “ACH! YOU ZAT ZO NOPLE ARE—ZO SCHDRONG—ZO MACNANIMISCH!—LET US IN ZIS ZO HOLY GRUSADE TOGEZZER CHOIN! YA?” Tue Lioy, “ HUMPH!!!”

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Nov 4 A

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—— Novemsmr 17, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 237 } \ “4G as VO _ _ ro quae | (ae MOO Y * i“ Ur \ e 2 / , w 4} ' ae ao a WEE: DY WA ‘S | W// z. i: a % OUR NEW M.F.H. ‘*Ware HARE!” sHoUTED Mr. TorrLe, TRYING TO CRACK HIS WHIP,— Ht | Wz . a iN) PR oa ath yprhiaind + : “0 PB - > AND THIS WAS THE RESULT, Behind—like that black box—my foxy friend ? And is it like to happen in the en That my good name will make yours brightly Or you spoil mine ?” (shine, All this was muttered in the Lion’s mane. “Ah!” cried the Fox, ‘‘I see ’tis very plain That you, so noble, so magnanimous, So truly one of us, Help in our new Crusade cannot refuse !” Aside he chuckled, ‘* Ah, my little ruse Has fairly fetched him then, the blind old Leo said—‘* Humph !” {sumph ! ”’) Moral. When Fox with Lion hunts, one would be sorry To say who a until they’ve shared the quarry ! STOPPING THE STRAND. (A Church Catechism.) Question. Is the church (of St. Mary-le- Strand) worth preserving ? Answer. The Rector naturally replies, “Yes;” so do the verger, the pew-opener, | the clerk, the bell-ringers, and the lay- | Lelperess who brushes the dust from the floor | on to the prayer-books, and from the prayer- | books back again on to the floor, once a week. Q. How much money is required in order to prevent the whole place tumbling on to the beads of wayfarers along the 8 A. Three thousand pounds. Q. What is the feeling of Londoners as to the request for this sum lately published by the Rector in the newspapers. A. They wish he may get it. Q. What is the chief complaint against edifice ? a A. That, besides being ugly and unsafe» it is an intolerable obstruction. That, just where the Strand ought to widen into a really noble thoroughfare, it is cramped up into the dimensions of a narrow lane by this building, leaving barely space for two vehicles abreast, the foot pavement being reduced in like ratio. | Q. What isthe remedy suggested for this ecclesiastical obstructionist f | A, The Cloture—shutting it up, and then pulling it down. | Q, Is not the church one of striking archi- | tectural beauty, so as to warrant its preser- vation on that score ? A. Notatall. On the contrary, it is a bad specimen of debased ‘* Queen Anne.” Q. Would not its demolition deprive a large jand important congregation of a place of | worship ? | A. It would distribute a congregation averaging about twenty or thirty among the multitude of other half-empty churches aa in the immediate neighbourhood. Q. Would not the widening of the Strand | sweep away some old and venerable speci- | mens of London Street architecture ? A, Yes, it would mean the removal of the | venerable thoroughfare known as Holywell Street, with its high-class shops and noble a oe. Q. What then is wanted ? A. That the new London County Council | should take the matter up, and knock the | church down, with what speed it may. | era On ** Att Founrs.’’—British Protectorate in | Borneo,—‘* Hugh Low (Union) Jack, and the |game.”’ Other Protectorates generally suggest |another game,— Cribbage. But of course | this doesn’t apply to us. | FRUITS FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE. Boakb Schools are not all paid for out of rates ; Nor gratis, quite, crammed Board School chil- dren’s pates Parents have still the cost in part to bear— Not much, yet more than most of them can spare ; Their tributary pence required to send For children forced instruction to attend: But, ye with rates and fees for mental e Fee dna Those gomngrnp get, however, taught to read. That knowledge they are mostly apt to use ; Fictitious literature in gene Bs Tales of adventure, villany, and crime, Horrors and vices, which their minds begrime. ’Twas hoped that education would avail To elevate them in the social scale. What profit may accrue from learning, see ; The Penny Dreadful for the Penny Fee! From SrratrorD-on-Avon.—Was Banquo a sculptor? Shakspearian commentators are unable to answer this question with absolute certainty, but they are quite sure that he had a Ghost, AcapemicaL.—*" Messrs. C. V. Srawvorp and A. C. Macwenziz, to be made Doctors of Music, honoris causa,’ at Cambridge. The libretto of the solemn ceremony will of course be ‘* Cantabile.” _HisroricaL Nore.—In medieval times the rich Abbots of a ing turn used to keep hounds. Over the kennels was inscribed Paz. eked ori Metis.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL EXCLUSION. Policeman (at the Law Courts). ‘‘ Strict Orpers To-pAy, M’m. BE ADMITTED UNLESS THEY "RE IN WIG AN’—THAT I8—BEG BARRISTERS, M’m—onty Barristers!” PARDON, HAND AND FOOT AT HANDOUB; Or, What the Latest Intelligence is coming to. Svaxim, Nov. 12.—The enemy again continued last night their shelling operations against the Water Forts, making excellent practice, and succeeding in sending six shots in succession through the top of the General’s tent, the final one being specially well-aimed, and going clean through his moderator, which it effectually extinguished. On lights being fetched, and an examination made of the ammunition used, much enthusiastic satisfaction was expressed by all the officers present on its being ascertained as a fact that it had been supplied by a well-known British firm. Its destructive capabilities having just been conclu- sively demonstrated, a high and flattering opinion was expressed on all hands at the circumstance. _ This morning the long-expected reinforcements, consisting of five mounted infantry, one gun, and two artillerymen, having arrived from Egypt, the General determined to make a reconnoitring movement in the direction of Handoub, for the purpose, if possible, of ascertaining the strength of the enemy. This they were not long in disclosing, for they instantly threw out a thoroughly disciplined and well-equipped force of cavalry, about five hundred strong, which, sweeping | at a charge down on the little contingent, capturing the gun, and sabring its | defenders, much to his surprise, obliged the General to take to flight, and pursued him up to the fortifications, which he barely reached in safety, followed by a perfect hail of bullets. It is understood that after this experience he will probably endeavour to impress on the authorities at Cairo the necessity of their taking vigorous measures, and despatching further reinforcements to enable him to cope with the situation, which he describes as *‘ threatening.” This evening there is a rumour of telegraphic communication from head- yy acknowledging the receipt of the General’s application and promising the despatch of “five more mounted infantry, another gun, and two more artillerymen, in the course of a month or so,” which they think will “‘ meet the requirements of the situation.” As the mail is leaving, the Dervishes, who have just mounted twelve Arm- strong guns in a position thoroughly commanding the Citadel and the Water Forts, appear to be massing in large numbers close up to the fortifications, as if meditating a determined night-attack. Her Majesty ’s cruiser, Bouncer, which is our only defensive resource in any emergency, seems, unfortunately, somehow | No ONE TO} M'u— | ‘*London particular” atmosphere time of year, from seeing a real English sun, so we ocagt from the French, and the playgoer has only to visit the toyalty in Dean Street, Soho, in order to enjoy Clara Soleil, which, as the title implies, is a piece of a very light character. the suburbs. Altogether the outlook is gloomy. THE ALMIGHTY HALF-DOLLAR. A Sone By A SUFFERER. “ Facit indignatio versum,”’ Florins are a nuisance—curse ’em! ConFOUNDED coin, whose prevalence confounds Finance domestic more than any other, Why thus beset me on my daily rounds With constant bother ! The Mint was mad the day it fashioned you, And sowed you broadcast on enslaved society. What man knows not the mischiefs that you brew In vile variety ? You were not wanted ; you are awkward, odd A coin which trade’s arrangements do not follow; And yet, beshrew you! you, like Aaron’s rod, All others swallow. A shilling is the price for heaps of things, A sixpence purchases at least as many ; And every moment from the pocket brings, The useful penny. Even the odd Half-crown may have its use, But why bring you, you poor superfluous bore in? What mortal ever wants, save to abuse, The fruitless Florin ? And yet you crowd my pocket, fill my purse, To the exclusion of brave ‘* bobs’’ and “ tanners.” I lose my cash through you, and—what is more Perhaps—my manners ! Say, that a cab I call, the distance, say, ts half a mile, the fare—of course, a shilling. The tariff-rate, arranged, the which to pay I’m not unwilling. My hand in all my pockets wild may range, But not one sixpence or one shilling collars. (For if you change a sovereign now, your change Is ali ** Half-dollars”’). Cabby has none—cabbies are far too ‘‘ wide” — So, after lots of hunting, and much “ bobbery,” I pay two shillings for a falf-mile ride! I call it robbery ! Two shillings or four sixpences fulfil The Florin’s every duty, and their own too. Why then the Florin, which of purse and till A plague has grown to ? Silver I searce can get, save in its form ; I’ve seven in my pocket at this moment! Can such a curse—excuse my language warm !— Need further comment ? Why flood the circulation with these coins, Which rile the testy, and which rob the thrifty, And only serve the servant who purloins— The Cabman shifty ? I’m sure they rob me of ten pounds a year, I gravely doubt if ’tis not nearer twenty), Which I might save were ‘‘ bobs” less scarce, and dear Old “‘ tanners” plenty. I’ve suffered long: at last my plaint’s in print. | My plan—most men, I’m certain, will agree toit—- Is, call the Florin in! I hope the Mint Will kindly see to it! Morro ror Lorp Mayor Torpepo’s Bawner.— Pas Grand’ Shows.” Morro ror Ex-Lorp Mayor Sr Porypore’s Banye®. ‘* The Period of D.K.,” and ‘* After me The Torpedo. |to have disappeared on the horizon. The General, why |has apparently noted this incident with regret, seems | | uneasy, and is inquiring about cellar acconimodation jy | PHENOMENAL Sunticut at Nient.—Of course out | revents us, at this | [ NoveMBER 1, 8

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Novemper 17, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

E/ ESSENCE OF at 4 ~ EXTRACTEO Tuesday.—Pretty fair attendance in both Houses, considering.

G. O. M. and most of his merry men down at Birmingham, making seat speeches by the furlong. House of Commons plays second fiddle. Still, we’ve a few left at Westminster. The Curse of Camborne back again in full blast. Pops up suddenly at question time. Quietly floored by SPEAKER, but =p sonia. They think they did a good thing in suspending me in July,” sayshe. ‘*Got rid of me for a week or two. But I’ll make it up now. You'll see.” | Jesse Coxtines here too, and with Birmingham ablaze! |, “How’s this?” I ask. ‘‘ You in London when Birmingham’s | keeping political holiday ?” Is it?” he asked, with look of innocent surprise. ‘‘ Now you mention it, I did hear something about it ; under the auspices of what is left of Liberal Association, wasn’t it? And GiapsToxE was to be there, , Yes, yes, [remember, They asked me to meet him in the Mayor’s parlour; but I declined. Sorry to do it. Pained to hurt feelings of estimable person. But it wouldn’t do. If I had accepted mvitation, GLapstong would have sure to have imposed upon concession. Too much would have been made of it: and I plumply but regretfully said ‘No.’ Did you hear whether the proposed ed

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ROM THE DIARYOF TOBY.M uw Z gathering was abandoned?” Garanpo.ru here, enthroned in corner “ Sorry to hear you’ve been ill, and are going to throw up the sponge,” I say; for, though he’s a trifle cantankerous, and apt to turn upon his friends unless they will consent to be his adulators, I like GranpoLpa. ‘* You dear, credulous Tony!” he cried. ‘‘ Have you, too, been taken in by that blague? I’m pretty well, thank you. All the better for a rest; all the readier for work when opportunity comes. Perhaps it would please some people if it were true that I had broken down, and would not trouble them any more. But, with every natural disposition to oblige, can’t please everybody. So I’m pretty =i thank you. Keep my eyes open, and my hand ready to strike.” A quiet night, with Harcourt softly purring to himself on Front Opposition Bench, and OLp Moratiry thinking how pleasantly the mice may play when the cat’s away. (Vide Copy-book.) Grand Cross looks down from Peers’ Gallery on the familiar scene and thinks of days that are no more. Another Cross (not yet d) appears on the scene, walking up to take the Oath. Itis W. H., ember for West Derby.

TRL oT alia pits . ace obe cee

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——_—_ 240 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON [Novemper 17, 1889, same — in the House that his father did ?”’ I hope not ; indeed, I hope not,” I say, fervently. Grand Cross stared. Think afterwards wasn’t a quite the thing to say; f might have put it in another way. But a little hurried, and was thinking of something else. Business done.—Supply. Thursday. Reminded of our loss by little incident that took place at opening of sitting. STroRMOUTH Darurye took seat for St. Andrew's University. Lorp -ApvocaTe used to represent St. Andrew’s. Certainly, hard for anyone to take a seat when Ae’s - in it. But, alas! he’s out, vanished with the snows of yesteryear. Made something in the City of Edinburgh, with a fat salary and a noble title. Room for Scotch Mem- bers to breathe now. Early effect seen in debate on alleged malversation of Crown Lands and Waters in Scotland. Someone been “Grand Cross stared.” and braes into deer-forests. Wot a new thing; didn’t happen during the recess; why wasn’t it brought up before? Simpl ones the burly Lorp-ApvocaTe was at hand, and Scots-wha- shrewdly thought they’d suffered enough in times past without wantonly incurring fresh danger. The MacponaLp’s place scarcely filled up when Fraser Mackintosu, in his animated and picturesque style, clamours about fishing rights and talks treason about deer-forests. Otp Moraurry turns uneasily on the bench, and looks wistfully towards the corner-post against which the departed Lorp-ApvocaTr’s back was wont to rest with temporary impunity. Sorry for 0. M. Tell him a little secret. Amongst messengers on duty at Lobby- door, is one who bears singularly close resemblance to the departed chief. About the same height, perhaps a trifle lese burly, but with the same capability of extended shirt-front, the same pose of head, the same striking profile, and the same expanse of beardless coun- tenance. practise him in the cultivation of infinite scorn of Scotch Members, dress him in a suit of the Chieftain’s clothes, and prop him up with his back against the post at the end of Treasury Bench, you’d hear no more of Fraser Macxiwrosu.” ** Thank you, Topsy,” said O. M., pressing my paw. ‘*That’s a very valuable suggestion. I'll see if something can’t be done in the matter before Scotch Votes come on next week. ‘To be Forearmed is to be Forewarned,’ as we used to write in fair round hand.”’ In the meanwhile RosEerrson goes a step higher, and fills a section of the Lorp-Apvocate’s place, whilst Sronmovrn Darttve comes in as Solicitor-General for Scotland. **CaHarire used to be my Dartrne,” said Ory Morattry, turning round to gaze at the venerable figure of the Member for Deptford ; ‘“‘nowit’s Srormourn. Lifeis full of change. Here to-day, we’re gone to-morrow.” Business done. Friday.—House more than ever empty to-night. attraction at Guildhall. Mayor. “Some of them,” Gorsr says, snappishly, ‘‘and some, if you please, not so. All of us asked; all accepted. Then screw is put upon all under Cabinet rank to make them stop here to help to keep a House.” Gloom and depression all over House. Quite a different scene at Guildhall, where the Aldermen go wild over ArTHUR BaLrovr, and the Alderwomen openly murmur, ‘* What a nice-looking young man!” The Marquis sonorously eloquent. The Lorp Mayor looked | well, and spoke well, Excellent beginning for what promises to be | memorable year in the City. Business done. — Junior Ministers kept in. | agree d to Committee of Supply. ! to- _ Great counter- Her Majesty's Ministers dining with Lorp Education Vote Avvice to 4 Goop Servant.—Always keep your place, selling the fishing rights on an Invernesshire lovh, and turning banks | ‘If, old friend,” I say to First Lord, ‘‘ you could double his wages, | honours in your own hand at whist; but, b prepared packs i ficial aids, as your frequent detection in their use at any well-known | West End Club might possibly lead to some slight unpleasantness with the Committee. | because, as you say, the mansion you are renting for. the summer months is the Ghost yourself. Picture Gallery, where the Knight in Armour comes along groaning every night as the clock strikes twelve, and waiting his appearance, | hit him full in the done. ‘ three nights running in this fashion, and he vanished eventually | with an unearthly oath, and has never been heard of since. CHARIVARL, “Do you think, Topsy,” said Grand Cross, “‘ he’ll ever make the “WHAT iT MAY COME TO,” w that Royal Residences are put up to Let. |Scenr—Interior of the Government Auction and Estate Ofte | Plans of Castles, &c., on the walls. Official discovered asleep over an early edition of an evening paper. Successful Australian (sharply). Now then, you Sir—wake up! Official (coming to his senses). I beg pardon—what can I do fo, you, Sir ? | Suc. Aus, Well, I want to find some little property in London t | | settle down in during my stay in the Mother Country—a leasehold fo, | twenty or thirty years, you Official. Sir. Suc. Aus. Oh, I dare say we shall not quarrel about a month or now. We do not usually let anything under ninety-nine years, two. But what have you got? How about Windsor Castle ? Official. Not in the market, Sir. It is in the occupation of the family. Suc. Aus. (in a disappointed tone). Never mind ; I am not particu- larly sweet upon it. Too far off. Anything Hampton way ’ Official (referring to ledger). The Court, Sir, taken by Sir Witt1am Harcovrt, who has got rid of his holding in >. as been recently | the New Forest (which some say was not a good bargain) to a Native | Prince just arrived from India. Suc. Aus. (after a moment's reflection). rather nice building in red-brick, Kensington way ? Official (smiling). I presume, Sir, you refer to Kensington Palace, Palace is let out in flats, and tenanted at present by Mr. Henny Batpwiy, Canon Farrar, Mr. Davirt, Mr. AntHur Roperts, and | Sir Ricaarp Wenster, the Attorney-General. nothing you ean let me have. Official. (hesitatingly). Well, there is one property, certainly, in the market, but we can only let it to a very careful tenant. Suc. Aus. I will be careful enough if it only suits me. is it f Official. Buckingham Palace, Sir. occupation of Murmurs a well-known name.) Suc. Aus. (impressed). Indeed! But why did he leave ? wrong with the drainage, or anything of that sort ? Official (promptly). Oh dear no, Sir. The fact is he would cut a . the trees in the back garden, and we were reluctantly ob ized to Suc. Aus. I see! Well, put it down to me—I will take it. (Scene closes, upon the preparation of a lease for 999 years. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Domestic Pets. If the Lawn-Tennis Net, spread, as you describe, over the top of your Area, is not considered by your neighbours a sufficient restraint for your two full-grown Bengal Tigers, why not keep them in the coal-cellar? You could then feed them conveniently with the tinned salmon you mention, through the aperture in the pavement in front of your premises. There being 4 soard School opposite, you cannot, of course, very well give them an airing in the day-time, but between two and three o'clock, A.M., the small hours of the morning, when the streets are more or less deserted, you could, with the aid of nine or ten policemen, armed with red-hot pincers and crowbars, easily manage it. Anyhow you eould do no harm in trying the experiment. Kangaroo, having succeeded in getting it there, by all means keep it in the linen cupboard, If it show signs of growing obstreperous, give it chloral with its dog-biscuit. Carps, — There is an infallible method of securing all the four playing with pre- providing yourself with ‘‘advantage’’ cuffs an ** expansion” sleeves, and dealing with a New York ‘‘ luek mani- yulator,’’ you may be tolerably sure of holding good cards. It would ye as well, however, to be cautious in having recourse to these arti- | Country Hovse.—If your servants are all giving you warning, “haunted,” why not take the bull by the horns, and lay You have only got to conceal yourself in 1 chest. with the warming-pan the thing Try this. The celebrated Crusader of Bitson Abbey was met With regard to the | tp NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. im mo case be returned, not there will be no exception. eee To this rule Well, wasn’t there a| I am sorry to say, Sir, I cannot do anything for you there. The | Lanoucuert, Mr. Braptaven, Sir CHartes WARREN, Professor | | Suc. Aus. (in a tone of annoyance). Dear me, there seems to be } What | ‘ It has been recently in the | Nothing

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Office Asleep up! do f ndon te | hold ¢ a ) Years, | onth or of the ) to be ainly, What n the | thing | id ent antly fear’. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemnzr 17, 1888. ghial MEDAL, donee os CeEIER, 1878. INAHAN’S “THE CREAM OLD TRISH, WHISKIES. WHISKY. PRIZE WEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1085, TITCHFIBLD STREBT, LONDON, W. ALL OAT ss To be had at Clubs, Hotels, and Sate ants, and im casks of all deale Wine and Spirit on hants th hoat the tallied Kingdom sud Colonies. jenet Vounsele OF THE QUALITY OF THS bis ll [ere Now: approve the statement. “I uo - could s To be had of principal §; te pt v0 applied to wholesale merchants y, by CORK DINPIEL Ent ES COMPAS MORRISON'S ISLAND, CORK wk OLD IRISH weeny. ,lap., Of all Dealers. Beware of Imitations. Manulfectured by GRANT & SON, MAIDSTONE. “WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, BT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY.” 1, EXSHAW FINEST OLD ths. per doz. Le Bt 1 W. Srartetow & Co., Bs Regint Bt Street, W. & 00:3 A LAXATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENGE, VERY AGREEABLE TO TAKE. TAMAR FOR CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite. INDIEN Gastric and Intestinal troubles, Headache arising from them, GRILLON. E. GRILLON, SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 2s. 69, Queen Street, City, London. 6d. A BOX, S. & H. HARRISS HARNESS COMPOSITION (Waresrncor) SADDLE PASTE (Watenrnoor.) Sold by all Saddlers, Grocers, and Iron. EBONITE BLACEKEING (Warsarncor). For Boots, Shoes, , and all Black Leather Articles POLISHING PASTE. For Cisaniwe Maepate sep Gtase. mongers. Manufactory: LONDON, E. CHUBB’S SAFES WILL PREVENT JEWEL ROBBERIES Pa:ce Liets sunt rare. 128, QUEEN VICTORIA STREET, £.C.; 6, ST. JAMES’S STRERT, Pali Mall, London, C. BRANDAUER & CO.’S CIRCULAR POINTED hy a snes co « lend neither scratch Bor alll pay aoe P ‘NS i by & new 52 ANDAUERS Ct JSPENS warded, Assorted Sample Box, 6d. Une free for7 stamps from C. Brandauer & Se 'e 3 4 ves Works, Birming DON’T, READ THIS! ou like M One of our Prcile eit Instructors is ratis with evéry instrument. Price Lists Post ree. Violin outfits (complete), Ws. 64., 21s. ,608., 63s. Banjos, 9s. 64., Ils. 3d.. 23s., 0s, Guitars, 76. 34,, 9s. 64. andolines, 255, Z thers, 0s. 6d., ibs. ed, 25s. Flutes, 6s. 6d., 7s. 64., 20s. Dulcimers, 6s, é Flageolets, 4s. 3d., 7s. 6d, in case, Ze. A single musical instrument of any kind at wholesale rice, and carriage paid. aingn Manvracruaixe Conran ent), 31, Moorgate Street, London. resented Tus & (A Depa FOR DELICATE CHILDREN, WIRE'S | CH MicAL FOOD. A PHOSPHATIC FOOD, Yn Bottles, 2s., Ss. 64., and 6s. each of Chemists, Or by Parcel Post free direct from SQUIRE & SONS, Hea Maziery's Curmusts, 413, OXFORD STREB?, LONDON. LOR DE JAVA LD INDIAN CIGARS of an ex ben (ely cholce flavour aud delicate aroma, 22s, 20s., and 18s. per Box of 100, Post Free. Samples, 4 and 6 for le. (4 stamps). BEWLAY & CO. 49, crass, and 143, Cheapside. for Great Britai __Yot Gas, Steam, Water, TUBES. ~“Mydraulle, and Beating Purposes ; Galvanised or White Enameiled insid In stock to 6 in. diameter. Cocks, Valves, ac. Joux Srencen, Globe Tube Works, Wednesbury: and 14, Gt. 8t. Thomas Apostle, London. SAMUEL FOX & OO., Limited, have added to their celebrated frames decided rovements (protected by Letters Patent), which give increased Stability and greater Neatness to the Umbrella. SAMUEL FOX & CO., Limited, mann- facture the Steel specially for all their frames, and are thus able to provide exceptional quality at a merely nominal Price over inferior makes. HOWARD BEDFORD PORTABLE RAILWAY ENAMEL COLORS ExouIsiTe | SURFACE LIKE PORCELAIN. “THE REAL CUP 0’ KINDNESS.’ A Perfect Blending of the QuOIgEST pause of the Highest Classes o ine Old Whiskies, in their ioseee purity, as produced in Seotiand, absolutely untampered with. siuiwets 42 Yours’ Old. fizecuca’ A A UKURY iM PURE SCOTCH WHISKIES. Name, Brand, and Registered Trade Mark, B.O.S. BLENDED OLD SOOTOH, An exquisite Menting—So harmonious in combination—S8o evenly balanced—S8o deli- cately toned—A flavour so rare—So tanta- lisingly pleasant on the Palate— Possessing character so and so entirely its own, that it may fairly claim the ve ret place among high-class stimulants. wer judges pronounce it “ unique and unrivalled. THIS is . FINEST Wwuskies pies SHERRY CAsia AND ITD | PURITY IS GUARANTEED. B.0.8. i¢ remarkable for ite “ delicious individuality of flavour,”’ mellowness and softness on the palate. Twelve Years Old 50s. per Dozen. Bight 99 », “25s. a Five ” ” 426. Carrisge Paid on Cases of 1 doz. and upwarts. B.0.8. ia sold in mare white bottles, labelled and capsuled. Cases charged Dosen, allowed for when retgrned, 2%. Dosen allowed for empty B.0.3, bottles. The Pro are skilled blenders of cone thon "by Connoteeur are they of appreciation noisseura, that they will send a single Sample Bo'tie, Gaoriag Fe, os rer the United Kingdom, 9s. Od., and 3, 6d, respectively. Re Co.,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemege 17, 1888. CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. A PERFECT WALKING STICK ASDA PERFECT CIGAR CASE. Don't bulge your pockets with Cigar Cases, earry your Cigars in your Walking Stick. In BAMBOO or HA to o4 6 Cigars or 1%s. At all Stick and Fancy Shops, ond Wholesale ot L. M. DAVIS, 2, GREAT WINCHESTER STREET, to whom P.0.0., with @¢. extra for carriage, may be sont in cave of difficulty in obtamng them tie where .e BALSAM 0 we med y s ef - lz POWELL’S BALSAM ISEED. For OCUUGHS, ASTHMA, BRONCHITIS, &c. vid Roid by ( hemi«'ts throughout the world, No family should be without it Pars. Beral, Roberts, hoe Hhremes Pharma-ie Delsera; Geneva Baker; Kotterdan Santen Koff } eta diished * m Prepared only by THOMAS TOWZLL(Lta ), Blackfriars 24 London. LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. In consequence of Imitations of vain emeayames of Inuationat will remove it ees = with Brookes Soap WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE bears Lhell signature thus— ZA ° Makes Copper like Gold, Tin like Silver, B@SSLI FS yd Marble like Ivory, Brassware like Mirrors. * * fold Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester eT ETE Ry Splendid for Baths, and 1000 things in Household, Shop, Factory, and on Shipboard, “FOR THE BLOOD I8 THE LIFE.” CLARKE ’S |ALL cROcCERS, IRONMONCERS, AND CHEMISTS. WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE.) 3B. BROOKE & CO., he Skin end Bieoe Diseases and >ores of hie ts effects are marvelious. It s the oniv real cada fen Set etsy | 36 to 40, YORK ROAD, KING'S CROSS, LONDON, N. BEST & SAFEST D AND PERFUMERS, IN ELECANT CRYSTAL TOILET CASKET ALSO iN PATENT WLTALLC BOX | Under the direct Patronage of HM. Ths grrz EGERTON BURENET?, Wellington, Somerset, En DUCATE YOUR CHILDR * WHILE TOU AMUSE TEEx Wy F.A.D. RICHTER & CO.,.65, Fenchurh LONDON, E.C., & 310, BROADWAY, NEW NO MORE BALD HEAIS T Pot of DUNCAN & ©0,’s SPE HAIR REVIVE will @ the above If your Hair is getting or falling out, Us Lapras. if you went a Loxvaiant trap or He USE IT.—3, WT. ADAM 6&T., EDIND Postal Oruer for 2s. $4. THE “PREMIER” RAZOR STROPPING MACE PUBLISHED eveEeRY SATURDAY. y wi ’ behold the weapon i as keen— weil, let usm), razor should be.”—Exraact op Tuerimoris 4. GORDON, Winchester House, U4 Street, Londen, E.C. MADE WITH BOILING WATER E P PS 3 CRATEFUL—COMFORTING. COCO! MADE WITH BOILING MILK Pmates oy Willem Pi ver’ frit), of Ke, 2. Loraine oad, Noliowey. im the | arish of 8. w ey yet 5 am the J etinct OF W hivecrmes, im lee City of Lomeon, aos J wblghe. iy bin ot www d |

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“HAPPY THOUGHTS” _ BIRTHDAY BOOK, Selected and arranged by ROSIE BURNAND, from Mr. Puncn’s pages, with FRONTISPIECE PORTRAIT of F. C. BURNAND. Profusely Jilustrated ; Choicely Printed; and Elegantly Bound. 35. 6d. Now Ready. (Bradbury, Agnew, & Co., 8, 9, 10, Bouverie Street, B.C.

sa ites Le: Cy Wt Mitty, iP ‘ oy e i at "ae ne 2) A ANY ‘rr NY ) <i ii ane ek 8 Sa eS A |, ESTER MEK Oy RM aye: fis! Apis: A, NI Ay } Aven i } i) al 10 Ny 1a

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,” Pas "" RTT BN AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.

M. P'S IN SESSION. sy MARRY aati (Nearly Ready) Well-known Figures extracted from Mr. PUNCH’S Parliamentary Portrait Gallery. A Large Collection. Arranged, Displayed and Indexed. BRADBURY, AGNEW & Co, VERS ST, EC Quarto. Price 5s. 5, i

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Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—Novemesr 24, 1888. TWO MEW NOVELS AT ALL THE LIBRARIES. A LIFE’S MORNING. By GEORG GLSSING, author of “ Demos,” ~ Thyra,” &o. 4 vols, post Oro. UNDERCURRENTS. shen rr oe — 4 ae. F vole wun on” Landen : 6 Surre Fiore & Co. 6, Weterico Place. MR. RIDER HACCARD'S WORKS. Vow a4 Cheaper Baition, Tilastrated. With #: Ti) ~_- jones by M ae and On Keas. Crown Sve, By H. RIDER HAGGARD. Now and Cheaper Edition, Tlastrated, With 5) Tilustrations by C. HM. M. Kana. Crown ALLAN “QUATERMAIN. ER HAGGARD lendon LONOMANS, GREEN, & co. BRITANNICA. NOW READY, VOLUME XXIV. (Ura—Zym) OF THE ENCYCLOPADIA BRITANNICA. 4& DETAILED PROSPECTUS of the Work, with Specimen Pages, will be forwarded on application to the Publishers. Btiaburgh ADAM @ CHAR LES BLACK. Love’ s GOLDEN DREAM WALTZ. Loves GOLDEN DREAM. By Tueo Bownren Splendidly Tliustrated This most charm: Waits ma-t bevo me the Success of the Season an the rage of London Performed with ove: whelming eprlause at cil the PF xnibitions, Promenade Con- eorts, &c., 2s, net. Raod and military perts now ready Low bo a Mus e Fun tentne ComPant {ipattet). rat Marlborough *treet ° LIFTS zz Por HOTELS, MANSIONS, 0 CLARK, BUNNETT &CO., Lim., DINNER and INVALID LIPTS. RATHBONE PLACE, W. ERRY DAV/, VECETABLE Get a bottic sees PERRERY DAViS" PAIN- KILLER, the 0) sin the Ws , and most widely-known Family Medicine in Werid is It instantly Kelieves and Cures bevere » Sprains, Mruises, Toothache, Readache, soe, Paine te in’ the Side, Joints, and Limbs. and all Ne and Kheumatic Pains. any Chemist can cupply het Mi and 2 ad per bettie. o HMA AY ee al ESTABLISHED 1825. BEST AND NEAVE'S FOOD Fon — AnD Tm ME ALED. CHEAPEST. seeing the Beauties Narghiiés at “tam SAMUEL BROTHERS. owe School Outits. Mesrs, SAM UBL BROTH ERS have ready for immediate use a very Sagogpeerement of Kore’ ® Yoorms’ Ciera ive They will also be to send, upon application, Par Tease of Mare- Suit. men, e ladies, togecher with their new (tLvermatran CaTaloerr, con aaa % with Price yr Menars = — Kaoturas’ SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTERS, &c., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpon, E.C. Quinine Cure for Colds and Influenza. NEVER FAILS. Gives quick relier for Children oF Adults,” writes A Moruea. MAPPIN & WEBB’S DRESSING BAGS. Guaranteed by the use of HUNT'S soy PILLS. Large numbers of people | robust health can testify to the trath of this assertion, having lated them- selves —. by these Pills for over 5@ years. One Pill will invariably relieve, and a little perseverance radically eure, either a Torpid Liver, Costiveness, Indi- jon, Pains in the Back or H nfiuenza or Feverish Cold, Rheumatiy Lambago, Flatu'ency or Giddiness, THE RESTORE BRIGHTNESS TO THE EY CLEARNESS TO THE COMPLEXION SHARPNESS TO THE INTELLECT, ANB ENERGY TO BOTH MIND AND BODY. To Ladies they are invaluable. Sold every- where, in boxes, Is. léd. and 2s, oa. Wholesale Agents, WILCOX & CO., 239, Oxford Street, London. Post-free, - Qs 7 KURE-QUIC. Best Quinine Tonic sold, For Colds, Neuralgia, and Debdility 2s. 6d. per Bottle. Of all Chemists oo and FP. Newser & Bows, London MILWARDS’ NEEDLES. PEPTONIZED DELICIOUS FLAVOUR. NO DICESTION NEEDED. MOST NUTRITIOUS. Cavrion ofa | CALYX P4 Piss EYED oil | ‘oot et | foams Benes. —_ aumn cays “Eyed, yussove olive JEWSBURY mone other sme. ie. & as WASHFORD MILLS, REDDITCH. BROWN. bad CONCENTRATED Gold Medal, 1884. FOR INVALIDS, DELICATE CHILDREN, AND ALL OF WEAK DICESTION. COCOA ano MILK Tins, 1s. 6d. and 2s. 6d. each, obtainable everywhere. SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. STREETER ae 8 NEW Bonp EAS DIAMONDS Fam £5 to £5000 OXFORD.—MITRE HOTE OMB OF THE MOST ECONO FIRST-CLASS MOTELS IN THE Kinengy “OUR NEIGHBOURS PARTRIDGE & COOPER 192, FLEET STREET. THE BEST SANITARY go AP. “ EUCALYPTUS” rifies the Skin and beautifies the ( ompierics WHITAKER & GROSSMITE , SILK STREET, CITY, LONDox 1s. 64, of ali venders, Post Pree direct, and of | ar Co., 107, New HKond Street CALLARD & BOWSER’S CELEBRATED BUTTER-SCOTCH, ‘* REALLY WHOLESOME CONFECTIONE®!.”” Lancet samp PALMS for TABLE CONStRVATORY, or Hort, DECOKATION. — Twelve beanuty hardy Palms. averaging with oo 24 inches high, 2ls.; six dite, & Wood esse tree carriage paid, faa with order. larger Palms equmy Manager, Charing Cross Hotel. writs our Pa'ms give the greatest sotisfacticn.” P. OWEN, The Pa'm Gardens, Stamford Hii, t Inspection invited. Illustrated | ists free MAPPIN & WEBBS HOLLOW GROUND oan Post Free frum 168, Oxford Street, 7, SHEFFIELD zss!2" Londen, or from the Manufactory, Nor!o\k Shut, In Case Com plete. Sheffield "rate ase RAZORS LAIRITTS CELEBRATED PINE-WOOL PRODUCTION. Awarded 12 Medals, including Silwer Medal at Barcelona. Established 1853 FLANNELS, VESTS, PANTS, BELTS, KNEECAPS, &., for Prevention and Cure of GOUT, REZUMATISM, COLDS & Can be had by ordering from ftom Hosters and Drapers Principal Ketail Agents :— bh TPenes “« con Ls, Strand, ¥ (Charing Crose * tation) Frepaics, Kegent Street, ¥C . Bamrsom, 33, Queen Vet Street, E.C. List of CGountey Acents sent on application & WELCH, MARGETSON « (0, Cheapside, London » Who are Wholesale Agents “A DAILY TREAT.” TOWER Ten. SOLD IN BVERY TOWN. KO MEKCURIAL. The BEST sarest KTICLE for CLEANING SILVER yBLECTBe PLATE, @c. FIVE GOLD MEDALS se Soid every where in Boxes, \s., SW.

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Y SO4P. Us” he ( om per: OSSMITE LONDoy, t, and of Street ER's ITCH, _ including arcelona. 5:3. | PANTS, ’ < " Cure of COLDS, & rom fiist-cams pers

Novemssr 24, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 241

bal | Me™ Vi <manttny “The University of Giessen has made Bismarck a Doctor of Divinity.””— Times, Nov. 13. MR. BULL AND MYNHEER. _ “On the 17th November Dutchmen are prepar- ing to celebrate the seventy-fifth anniversary of the liberation of the Netherlands from French domination, and the re-establishment of national independence.”’— Times. _“Tt is just two centuries to-day (November 5 since modern English political history began wit the landing of Writi1AM of Orange at Brixham Harbour, Torbay.”—Mrs. Lynn Linton, in * St. James's Gazette,” Mr. Bull. Your health, Mynheer, in a genuine Dutchman’s draught! You know, perhaps, what the rousing chorus of the popular glee says :— “Tt’s oh! that a Dutchman’s draught should be As deep as the rolling Zuyder Zee!”’ Mynheer. Verily, Mr. Butt, Van Durx’s powers of potation were less typical than some shouters of that roystering chorus seem to suppose :-— “ Mynheer Van Dunk, Though he never got drunk, Sipped brandy-and-water gaily ; And he quenched his thirst With two quarts of the first ¥ To a pint of the latter daily.” Tisn’t a legion of bibulous Vaw Dunxs, m friend, who would have snatched Hollan

the ocean sand-flats, or fought Parr ty ey LE » BR? irk even whet you call ¢, Detebmen's draught. aa hnapps is no stingo, as mellow as o Trish, and as toothsome as “‘ right Nantz.” ee

Mr. Bull. Well, Mynheer, we have been linked in many ways in history. We have fought yard-arm to yard-arm, with no great discredit to either. If we have given you a licking, occasionally, in return you have given us a king. That trims the balance, I reckon,—not to name Van Tromp and his broom! But the toast I now pronase is, ‘Liberty, and our Lasting Friendship!” In on pinata accept my hearty congratulations on your glorious anniversary. Mynheer. Thanks, my friend! In return accept mine upon yours. Seventy-five years or two centuries, they both represent the same thing, the thing we have both fought for and laboured for, the very breath of the nostrils of both Hollanderand Anglo-Saxon—Liberty! er: hey drink deeply. Mr. Bull, By the way, eer, there is likely to be yet another Yok tween us. If I may trust the Cambridge Review, you are adopting, under whatever difficulties, our national game. I understand there are more than a hundred cricket-clubs in Holland! I hope we shall see you and your Batavian batsmen and bowlers at Lords and the Oval et. You ought to be handy at “ the wil- ow,” Mynheer. Mynheer. Why, yes, willows we have in plenty. but in circumscribed, sandy, dyke- ivided Holland, good cricket-grounds are scarce, and good wickets not so easy to get as in yourown grassy Isle. But difficulties notwithstanding, my boys have been going it at the Malibaan, and many ‘“‘een zeer leelijken bal”—what you call a ‘‘ shooter” —has flown from a Dutch fist during the last few seasons. Mr. Bull. Hooray! If we once fight on the cricket-field we shall hardly want to fight elsewhere, Mynheer—even in Africa, I hope. “In matters of Commerce, the fault of the Dutch, Is giving too little and asking too much.” You know the old metrical sneer. Suppose we alter it to :— “ In matters of bowling the fault of the Dutch, Is changing too little, ‘ long-hopping’ too much.” That takes all the sting out of it, Mynheer. And you'll soon alter all that, with a few wrinkles from our Graces, LoHManns, and Sreets. Already, I’m told you are rattling wicket-keepers, and no muffs at a catch. Mynheer. You do me proud, Mr. Butt. And if I also may venture upon doggerel in a lan e which is not mine own, I would “a And when we're a little bit more of “‘ dry bobs,”’ We shall not be such “ passive victims of lobs.’’ as your Daily News says we are at present. Perhaps with mole-hills in the out field, and a public right-of-way between the wickets, even your own champion would find his scores dwindling, and his average suffering. Mr. Bull. Probably. But pretty soon I ex- pect we shall hear of a “‘ Batavian Grace,” in a sense quite other than that of DisraEi’s back-hander to poor Berxesrorp OPE. Mynheer. I hope so, I’m sure. But, of course, in— “ A land that rides at anchor and is moored, In which they do not live, but go aboard,”’ as another of your satirical rhymesters has it, our willow-wielders are at a disadvantage. Still ches sounds business-like, Mr. BuLL :— ‘* F. Lelyveld en Suermondt top scorers waren. Nu volg de een batting performance, zooals maar zelden hier in Holland gezien wordt. Terwijl Nolet heel kalm blockt, sloeg v. Haeften er ‘stig op los.” Mr. Bull. Business-like? It sounds quite international and Volapiik-ish, Mynheer. By Jove, I seem to see my way to a rattling song for a Cricket ay The Hit to Leg,” to the tune of ‘‘ The Cork Leg,” you know.

(Si *) I'll tell you a tale without any flam, Of a Slogger named M Von CLAM. Who every morning said, “ I am The hardest hitter in Rotterdam.”’ Ri-tooral-looral, &c. One day he ’d been having a turn at the keg, And he stood at the wickets as stiff as a peg. He feared he should hardly “ break his egg,’’ But he fluked a most wonderful hit to leg. The fine hit gave Mynheer delight, He had timed it well, and he caught it right. It soared and soared to an awful height, And in less than a moment was out of sight. The batsmen ran a regular race, Till each was perspiring and purple of face ; Still that ball went on at a pelting pace, And the fieldsmen still kept up the chase. They added a hundred and one to the score, Then they stopped, perspiring at every pore ; They had won the match, midst a general roar, But they never got sight of that ball any more! f tale I’ve told, both plain and free, the hardest slogger that could be, He never was out at all, d’ye see From that wonderful hit to L. E. G., Ri-tooral-looral-looral-looral, Ri-to-looral lay ! Mynheer. Ha! ha!ha! Another bumper, Mr. Buti! Here’s a health to Britons, Bata- vians, and Batsmen!! ! [Left drinking.

—— \| WELLINGTON | At Hype Parx Cornzr, Nov. 16.

THAT EVENING PIPE. (The Recreative Evening School Association has asked for the use of the halls in the new Board Schools, and begs the School Board to permit the evening pipe to the working-men, in the hope of attracting them from the Public-house. Mr. WILKs and the Rev. C. Brooxs, of the Board, opposed this, on the ground that smoking was most injurious.) THAT evening ipe, that evening pipe ! C. Brooke ook ILKS, with wisdom ripe, Would put it out, would stop its puff. How can such Sages talk such stuff ? Wiseacre Wi1xks and Reverend Brooxe The working-man *‘ had cut a snook”’ At James himself if, Royal quack, he Had tried to rob them of their "baccy ; And think you then they will be fast To heed your baby Counterblast ? Take Punch’s tip, my reverend blokes, Let the poor man enjoy his smokes ; Don’t from his strive to wipe The pleasure of that evening pipe; fowl a dpetpedie x) a t charm, And do him no especial harm ; At all philanthropy he ’ll sniff, That by ie off his whiff. If you’ve so s a nose indeed As cannot stand t weed Don’t into poor men’s pleasures ke it! There!—put that in your pipes, and smoke it!

YOL. XCV, Y

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemszr 24, 1888, PASHS OV RNE‘g : Tay WS 4 Ad | VL if i THE OLD GUIDE. (A New Reading.) ‘Try Not To pass”—tTHE OLD MAN sAID— “Your Bru. I'LL POINT THE BOAD INSTEAD, You ’LL FIND THE END 1sS—MUCH THE SAME.” ‘*I know,” THE YouNG MAN cRIED, “‘ YOUR GAME,— ‘ ALTERNATIVE !’” A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS APPEAL. Mr. Punch would like to hear of it. Now then, Ladies and Farusr Daren, the heroic priest who is voluntarily undergoing Gentlemen : “ Christmas comes but once a year slow martyrdom by leprosy in the Island of Molokai, appealed some And when it comes it brings good cheer.” months ago for a thousand pounds to gratify “the only wish that ; “aa : still remained in his mind,” which was “ to provide a suitable church | Let it bring cheer, before it is too late, to Father Damrey, the for his lepers.” Only half of this sum has been forthcoming, five heroic martyr of Molokai, from Father Christmas. Pas hundred pounds are still wanted, and the brave Father Damien, The Hon. Treasurer is the Rev. H. B. Cuapmay, 177, Camden dying by inches of a dread disease, is“ disappointed.” Js this right? Grove North, Peckham, to whom all letters should be addressed. Those who think it is not, can help to alter it, and to make up the Mr. Caapman will acknowledge all subscriptions immediately. He sam by December 1, ‘‘so that it may be sent out as a Christmas would be much obliged if subscribers would write ‘* Damien Fund present to Father Damen.” Christmas is at hand; if there is any on the envelope of their letters. ‘ ' worthier way in which the great Season of Gifts could be celebrated, Let Mr. Punch once more have reason to be proud of his readers :

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Titgyey = a” — j —— Novempgr 24, 1888.] RUBY. (New Version.) A Sono or A Synprcars. (Sung by Captain P-tt-n.) I sporrep the chance of a “‘ boom” last year, But now I perceive that we ’re all done brown ; Our Syndicate ’s out in the cold, I fear, And the India Office has let us down..: ’Twas a Burmah Spec, that seemed bound to succeed, For the Chief Commissioner did not decline, Lord DurrER«n smiled, and they all That we were to boss the big Ruby ine. ’Tis a memory sad, and our hopes fast fleet, For lost seems the chance of that fat five years ; The Concession is cancelled ; what use to treat, If Gorst steps in, and our bargain “‘ queers” ? Once more to the market it lies, That grand Concession. You must agree That there is cause for immense surprise, And the postanete pleadings that break from me, Oh, Ruby Mine, darling, that opening grand We ed with joy may be never our own, Perchance, it may pass to another hand, Though the Srreerer Syndicate loud! an. The Concession I settled seems mere dead eaves ; May Parliament list to our earnest prayer ! Oh, Gorsty, whose conduct our bosom grieves, We pine for the hour of our meeting there ! MUSIC OF THE FUTURE. Tuer Novetzo Series of Oratorios will commence early in Dec., under the conductorship of Dr. A.C. Mackenzre. As the name NovELLo implies, there are plenty of Novelloties in the programme. We hear that someone has re-written ‘Jubal’s Lyre,” and that Dr. Macxenzre has re-set it. Not pang as yet received the score from Our Own Special Musical Critic, we can only give the public a speci- men of the librettist’s adaptation. Here is a verse :— “O had I Jvpar’s Lyre, j And teach him (by desire) I’d punch his wicked head, To tell the truth instead.” The musical setting to this is, we are informed, well worthy of the inspiration to which we owe these magnifi- cent words. Dr. MackenzrE—not Sir Moret, but the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 243 | Fac Wha : -s = pei. _— 7 at Wh f= dL COMPORTMENT. First Tailor. ‘‘Do vou Bow To your CUSTOMERS WHEN YOU MEET THEM IN still more Musical Doetor—is, of course, the composer, and TH Streets!” the Morell of the lines lies in the application of them. | Second Ditto, ‘‘Weit, AS A RULE I po, BuT I aLways cuT MY MisrFirs! ” ROBERT ON THE TURTEL FAMINE! Praps one of the werry wust sines of the low wulgarity and hutter habsense of respek for other peeple’s feelings, as marks the present low levelling times, is to be seen in the miss- placed and crewel jokes with which the sad intelligense has been reseaved of the probbabel ‘famine of Turtel’”’ with which werry hiest horders of the dining-out world is now threttened ! That the pore hungry can-oil, as the French werry propperly calls the mere mob, who of coarse never has tasted, and is never likely to taste, the most xquizzet dellycasy of the werry dest of menus, shood rejoice at the hawtul prospek of a hutter failure of and ony conformabel to their gelous natur. But that hedhitters of respectabel noose- ij papers, who are themselvs sumtimes alloud i partake of this expensiv lucksury, shood jine in the ribbold jeer, is, I confess a stag- gerer, and has, I also confesses, touched me deeply. Can any one of these ginerally respectabel Gents have ellowed his- self to reflekt, carmly and seryously, upon the degree of sumthink werry near aproaching to hagony with which the great Firm of Brine any Rover must have seed aproaching the possybillity of a Lord Mare’s Banqwet on the sacred 9th without no Turtel Soup! I am appy to say as the dredful secret of the possibel cumming Famine was not rewealed to me until the nex day, or I werry much dowt te I cood have gorn thro my heavy dooties with my customery sucksess, There’s jest one little suckemstance, of so nobel and ginerous a charackter, that I feels it my dooty to reweal it for the hadmirashun of posteryty. In spite of the tremenjus wallue of Turtel Soop at that time, and its rbly fabbylus wally when the dredded famine has reeched our shoars, no differens, I am hinformed, was made in | speak up boldly in be this werry grandest of crops, is but nateral | | the cusstomary derangements, but the hole of the left Soop on the Friday's Bankwet was given to the Pore, as ushal, on the follering morning ! Whether it woodn’t have been more keanly apreeshiated had it have been distribooted among the noble Army of Waiters, as made the Bankwet so great a sucksess, it is not for me to say, and I dismisses the ongeneruss thort with a si. I hundestand as seweral of the great Liwery Cumpanys have patriotically resolwed to adjurn sum of theyr mostskrumpshus Bank- wets for the presint, in hopes the Famine may blow over, and however much me and my class may lament our terrybel losses, I am obliged to confess as they are rite, for how could they posserbly hask a Royal Prince, or ewen a Royal Dook, to theyr Alls of Ospitalerty without the customery lushus lucksery to which they has so long bin acustomed. Why the West Ingy Plainters, who cultiwates Turtels the same as our Farmers cultiwates Bullocks, shood suddenly be so werry short of ’em, of coarse I am quite hunabel to say, but it suttenly does look rather suspishus that it shood have append at jist the werry busy time when the demand for ’em is so werry owerpowering. The base ellusions to Conger Eels and Wales, I treat with the utter contemp they deserve. Sumbody says in the play sumwhere, that sumthink or other is ‘‘ werry like a Wale,”’ but he would be a bold man indead as wood say as a Wale was ‘ werry like a Turtel!”’ No thank ye, that woodn’t do for a hexpert with the werry slitest xperience, and suttenly not for Roper. Waat Writ Tuer Do to Tem ?—Movrpny and Braarnaoan have obtained the QueEn’s pardon—for what? For having been in penal servitude for nine years? Surely the QueEn’s pardon in such a case should mean emathing more than ‘‘I beg your pardon, and I grant you ace,” and should be accompanied by a provision for life, subscribed y witnesses, judge, and jury. We hope it has already taken this form, and that those who are now convinced of the great wrong done to these two men may have ‘‘ The courage of ther conviction,” and half of Murpuy and Brawnacan.

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na PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novannmn 24, 1888, | ———__. —$__ forward Lady and Gentlemen you will observe a flight of OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. formerly at cnet the route for persons of royal and noble blood ant A petionrrctiy told romance is The Countess Eve, by J. H.| the only means of access from the condemned cells to the place of Snorrmovse. An additional charm is, that it is im one volume. | execution a striking contrast thus we see afforded between the No wanderings, as in John Inglesant. One of the heroes is an | two sides misery and splendour the ’ighest and the lowest. (Halts , Actor. I should like to hear what|i an impressive manner, Sightseers prepare, in limp attitudes, to Mr. Irvine would have to say about | receive information.) You follow the direction of my staff to the the truth of this character to nature. | furthest corner of the ramparts where the turret projects it was Mr. SaortHovse’s Stage is an ideal | there that a rather romantic—— ; one; but then the story is as fanci-| An Old Lady (arriving hurriedly). Are you the Guide? Can you fully conceived and nearly as weird as | explain the Castle ? : 4 ; _ that of Le Juif Polonais, Thetriumph| (Guide. Yes, Ma’am, that is what I am here to do—(placidly)—it of good over evil is strikingly worked | was there that a rather romantic but strictly —— out. The scene is Jaid in France, and The Old Lady. Wait a minute. I want my friend to hear this. the characters are all French. This|I’ll fetch her. [Starts in search of friend, who is drifiing aimlessly being so, why introduce little bits of | about amongst the cannon, and comes under protest. French’ For example, why suddenly| uide (proceeding)—a rather romantic but strictly according to style the Superioress of a Convent, | our historical records a curious coincident took place the manner in whom he has hitherto spoken of as The Abbess, as La Mére Abbesse ?| which the Castle was taken by surprise by Ranpors with only thirt Why make an old servant ask the two Gentlemen, ‘‘ Would /es | picked men ascending the well-nigh precipitous rock the check wate Messieurs partake of déjeiner before returning to the City?” Are | or as we now call it the patrol was at that moment being relieved les Messieurs and “ déjeiner” untranslatable? By what authority | and the sentinel in mere wantonness or pure folly seizing one of the does Mr. SHoRTHOUSE use acirconflere in déjeuner ¥ One of the most | stones with which in those days for purposes of defence the rampart subtly conceived and cleverly drawn characters in the book is the little | was then encumbered and shouting “‘ Away!” I see ye well urled it chattering Vieomte. Bat no more, or as Mr. SHoRTHOUSE would say, | over the rampart upon the ’elmets of the crouching escalade ! not a word de plus. Those qui like les romans, I fortement recommend| The S. 8. The crouching which? N a lire this livre. C” est published ar Les Messieurs MaCuILLaN. Guide (repeating with relish). The crouching escalade fortunately I’ve carried a Walker's pocket-book wherever I’ve walked during | without injury to any of the scaling-party which waiting till the this year, and am quite sorry to part with it. Still I must in favour | checkwatch had gone by clutching the ivy in their an gee ’ands of another Walker—No. 7—a size larger, but slimmer and more they reached the summit overpowering the sentinel and taking the pocketable. Walker's No. 4, 1 recommend for ladies who have | Castle by surprise the feat being counted as one of the most daring pockets. The varieties might suit Wagnerites who could speak of | stratagems known to ’istry ! the Walker pocket-books as “‘the Walkerie.” The 8. S. (admiringly), And were you there? ; What a magnificent Christmas present would be the Harry| uide. No, Sir; it took place in thirteen ’undred and twelve, Sir— Fcrwiss’s collection of his Artistic Jokes, splendidly bound in one | (impassively)—before I was born, Sir. (Continuing as before.) In volume, containing pho phs of every picture in his Bond Street | yonder buiiding now the Armry the ruthless CRICHTON entertained show, which made such a hit last year, and drew crowds to see his|the Dove ases at a banquet the cover being removed revealed the rare burlesque treatment of the works of the Royal Academicians. | black bull’s ’ed symptom of violent and immediate death struck This book, of which he is compiler, printer, and publisher, and part with ’orror at the sight they begged for their lives Lge» 5 brutally author with “‘E. J. M.,” would be, indeed, a rare gift, as the issue refused and slain on the spot the iron tank on your rig t as you is limited to about a hundred and fifty copies, and it is becoming rarer | ascend is comparatively modern and constructed to ‘old water every day. ‘‘ Get it,” says HE Baron pE Boox-Worms. | in the event of a siege to provide against the garrison being reduced ————— by thirst the water is forced up into the tank each, day by gravita- tion from the Pentland ’Ills. may here mention that the piece of VOCES POPULI. ordnance we are now passing is the famous Mons Meg. ies and Bow-wowing him out. gly aq pees pe mT nF Serge ver gags Scene—LEntrance to the Castle. A small Party of Sightseers have r a 8 - +t just retained the corvices off on Ollelal Guide. The 8. S. Is that the gun they fire every day by electricity ? . , ‘ Guide. It was last fired in 1682, Sir, being burst by the discharge Guide (in a meliifluous tone and without any stops whatever, fizing| and consequently now obslete, even for peaceful purposes. [The his eyes on vacancy, having apparently committed his discourse to| party pass into the quadrangle and face the Royal Apartments. memory). Before commencing our round of the Castle Lady and| (Guide. The wing on your right was set apart for the Court and | Gentlemen I will ask your attention to a few remarks upon the | Royal Suite in front stands the ancient Banqueting ’All here ARGYLL trench below the drawbridge where we now stand most parties are | feasted and connived with Cromwett at the death of Caarces the apt to run away with the erronous impression of its being the| Fresr that doorway leads you to Queen Mary's Room the birth- ancient moat which a moment’s reflection will show us how p Bae | place of James rue Srxra afterwards James THE Frast of Scotland. this is being more than one ’undred feet above the base of the solid | Ladies and Gentlemen—(mysteriously)—I am now going to explain rock before us is the exercise ground formerly the scene of countless | something which you will find in none of the authorised guide-books burnings ‘angings and other revolting spectacles common to that | or ’istorical mock will you all remain kindly where you now are barbarious age wag y nd for ever past from us! ; _ | for a few minutes, and keep your eye fixed on me? [ Walks slowly to First Sightseer (desirous to gratify the Guide, and display his la doorway, and touches a stone above it with his stick, sightseers look Military knowledge). You could hold this place against any odds, | on, apparently in expectation of some startling conjuring trick. eh? Practically impregnable, I suppose ? ny : | Guide (returning with subdued importance), A curious discove Guide (blandly). We Sir, as a fortress, it is quite obslete, | never yet cleared up was made some years ago in the exact spot whic being comm unded by Arthur 8 Seat. you saw me touch with my stick some workmen making alterations A * Stoopid” 8. Who did you say commands the Castle? came upon a coffin of oak which being opened proved to contain the [Discovers that he is cut off from Guide by a body of soldiers | skeleton of an infant of great auntiquity — marching down to drill, By time he comes up with him| The 8S. 8. How old did you say the infant was? ’ again, Guide ts already explaining something else, and| Guide. Its exact age is unknown, but it was of a great auntiquity ' question allowed to drop. ‘ and enveloped in a covering wrought with two initials, one of them Guide. Above the same-eye Gothic arch under which we are now/an I being distinctly visible being rted to Major-General about to pass you will observe the Scots arms carved above with the | Tuackery then in command of the Royal Engineers he gave orders motto Vemo me impugn lacessit no one provokes me with impunity. | for the skeleton to be replaced and the aperture sealed up which The Stoopid 8. (in a whisper). What did he say provoked him ? | accordingly was done though what or ’oo the infant was it is 4 Guide (continuing). In the chamber above the last and innermost | mystery —(solemnly)—probly will ever remain a mystery but that gate making seven in all and lighted by a single grating it formed | is where the infant was found and where it now is. : the place of confinement for the luckless ARGYLL previous to his} Zhe 8. S. Did you say that James tHe Frast was born in there’ execution there the original study was made by Warp for his| Guide. Yes, Sir, we have ’istorical record of that being so. picture the ‘‘ Last Sleep of Argyll” now in the ’Ouses of Parliament. | The 8. 8. Very well—(triumphantly)—your mystery ‘s accounted Sightseers (who have never seen the Westminster I pf women se Really? | for at once! [Looks round to discover effect, and perceives that his painted there, was it! [They regard the grating with dawning interest. theory does not seem to be generally understood, and realises for The S. S. Singular thing to do—sending an artist to paint him | the first time that he does not understand it himself. rs before they cut his off, curious doys those, Sir, curious| (Guide (declining to pursue the subject), Here Ladies and Gentlemen ys ot 5 (Moralises on the past.| my duties terminate you will now inspect at your leisure for there #uide. The portion above is modern having been re-erected in is no occasions to hurry taking your own time about it the Crown recent times in the latest baronial style on your left as you go|Room the Birthplace St. Margaret’s Chapel Mons Meg and the

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Halts Novemper 24, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 245 view from the Castle the official charge I may here remind you is six > Thank you, Sir, I am much obliged to you. [Scene closes on Sightseers, trooping up staircase in varying states of contented vagueness as to what they are going to see when they get up. THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. Sunday, November 4.—Carrie and I troubled about that mere boy Lupin getting engaged to be married without consulting us or any- thing. After dinner he told us all about it. He said the lady’s name was Daisy Muriar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and most accomplished girl he ever and if he had to wait fifty years wait, and he knew she all wait for him. Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a different world to him now,—it was a world worth living in. He lived with an object now, and that was to make Daisy MvutLar—Daltsy Poorer, and he tee she would not disgrace the ea neat * did u would no Cime- family of the Poormrs. Canaie here burst P out crying, and threw her arms round his Portrait of Nobody, by Deok “and in doing 90, upset the glass of on. he held in his hands all over his new light trousers. I said I no doubt we should like Miss Murrar when we saw her, but Carrre said she loved her already. I thought this rather premature, but held my tongue. Daisy Muriar was the sole topie of conversation for the remainder of the day. I asked Lupin who her le were, and he replied, ‘‘ Oh, you know Mortar, Wittrams anp Watts.” I did not know, but refrained from asking further questions, at present, for fear of irritating Lurm. November 5.—Lupix_went with me to the office, and had a lo conversation with Mr. PeRxurp, our Fg me the result of whic was that he accepted a cena J in firm of Jon CLEANANDS AND Co., Stock and Sharebrokers. Lupry told me, privately, it was an advertising firm, and he did not think much of it. I replied, ‘Beggars should not be choosers ;” and I will do Lupiw the justice to say, he looked rather ashamed of himself. In the evening we went round to the Cummines’, to have a few fireworks. It began to rain, and I thought it rather dull. One of my squibs would not go off, and Gowrne said, ** Hit it on your boot, boy ; it will go off then.” I gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot, and it went off with one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers rather badly. I gave the rest of my squibs to the little Commnes’ boy, to let off. Another un- fortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuse on my head. Cummines fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake in the ground by way of a finale. He made a t fuss about it ; said it cost seven shillings. There was a little difficulty in getting italight. At last it went off, but, after a couple of slow revolutions, it se gp I had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap to send it , and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to the grass, Anybody would have thought I had set the house on fire from the way in which they stormed at me. I will never join in any more firework ies. It is a ridiculous waste of time and money. November 6.—LUPIN Caxrzre to call on Mrs. Muttar, but Canzte said she thought Mrs. Muriar ought to call on her first. I agreed with Carrie, and this led to an ument. However, the matter was settled by CARRIE saying she could not find any visiting- cards, and we must get some more printed, and when they were finished would be quite time enough to discuss the etiquette of calling. November 7.—I ordered some of our cards at Biack’s, the Stationers. I ordered twenty-five of each, which will last us fora long time. In the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Murttar, Miss Mutiar’s brother. He was rather a gawky youth, and Lupmy said he was the most popular and best amateur in the Club, referring to the “ Holloway Comedians.” Lupry whispered to us that if we could only ‘‘ draw out”? Harry a bit, he would make us roar with laughter. At su god parr Mortar did several amusing things. He took up a knife, with the flat of it, played a tune on his cheek in a a manner. = a es a of an old = with no teeth, smoking a big cigar. way he kept dropping the cigar sent Carre into fits. In the course of conversation, Dawes name cropped up, and young Muriak said he would bring his sister round to us one evening—his parents being rather old-fashioned, and not going out much. Carre said we would get up a little special party. As young Muriar showed no inclination to go, and it was approaching eleven o'clock, as a hint I reminded Lupry that he had to be up early to-morrow. Instead of taking the hint, Muriar began a series of comic imitations. He went on for an hour without cessation, Poor Carrie could scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an excuse, and said ‘‘ Good-night.” Muriar then left, and I heard him and Lupin w in the hall something about the “ Holloway Comedians,” and to my although it was past midnight, Lurnx put on his hat and and went out with his new companion. met. He loved her the moment he saw her, | © i he would | | GUIDES, PHILOSOPHERS, AND FRIENDS-IN-NEED. Tux ladies and gentlemen interested in Secting the “‘ Lady Guide Association,”’ appear not only to have discov: a new social want, but to be, moreover, confident that they * have hit on an excellent method of meeting it. they have in view, which are :— “1st.—To supply efficient Guides, who shall be ladies by birth education, for the services of strangers, forei and visitors of their own sex, to SF its ae . , - .—To provide remunerative em ent for intlignt saa. who from as pecuns overcrow labour markets, are now debarred from earning a livelihood. —~ * 3rd.—To assist all new comers, by giving in- formation upon every subject connected with their visit, aiding them in every way, in a manner which shall relieve them of all trouble, spare them imposi- tion, and ensure their comfort. BS. o— advise van to the several ways of seein en. is Country, at given prices, and to ore ra ener np suc visitors.” And to the above, by way of a sort of happy ms — after-thought, they subjoin the following . —— foot-note sa “N.B.—The Guides will be prepared to attend mixed parties of ladies and gentlemen, families and children, and those other than gentlemen travelling The Guide who “ knows en gargon.” we Oy CO, It appears from the foregoing brief schedule of some of her proposed requirements that the fini ** Lady Guide” will have to be a very formidably coosmaplichad pemen, possessing all the highest moral, social, and intellectual attributes, imbued with a spirit of the profoundest philosophy, and combining all this with the advantages of the most yew king encycl ia. It is not sur- prising, therefore, to find the Association hinting at the necessity of candidates wishing to offer their ~ -vices as ‘‘ Lady Guides,”’ having to pass some slight ‘‘ preliminary examination.” U nfortunately, they do not furnish a specimen test-paper, but that deficiency has been met by the publication of the following list of questions :— 1. A four-wheeled cab, containing five inside passengers, two children on the box, and seven trunks on the roof, is en from Liverpool Street Station to the extreme end of Hammersmith, and the Lady who has secured your services as fide, after having made the cabman carry the seven trunks up to third storey offers him, as his fare, two-and-ninepence, which he indignantly refuses. On his subsequently claiming thirteen and sixpence, and taking off his coat and offering to fight the gentleman of the party for that amount on the steps of the house in the presence of a guessing crowd, what speedy measures, if any, should you orteas to effect a compromise ¢ 2. You are commissioned by a y, who is desirous of giving an afternoon house-warming at her new Mansion in North Bayswater, to provide some suitable entertainment for her friends. How would you set about this? Would you, if you wished to secure the services either of Mr. Conwey Graty or Mr. Groner Grossxrra, call on one or both of those gentlemen, and ask them to give you a little specimen of their respective répertoires as a preliminary to engagement ? Do you think they would oblige you by doing this? Or do you think they would resent it, and that the matter would fall through? Sup- posing it were to, would you be prepared to take a cab, and hunt up all the Music Halls in turn, in the hope of securing some suitable talent ? 3. You are engaged to conduct an intelligent, scientific, and inquiring party of sixteen people over Windsor Castle, the Mary- le-bone Workhouse, the Thames Tunnel, Hanwell Lunatic Asylum, the National Gallery, the British Museum, and the London Docks. Do you think that your thorough knowledge of English history your acquaintance with the working of the Poor Laws, your grasp of the progress of European Art, and your general familiarity with all the great political, commercial, engmeering, economic, and other pro- blems of the hour are such as to warrant you in facing the coming ordeal with a jaunty confidence ? 4. You are required by an economical Duke to provide a cheap wedding for his only daughter, and he has stipulated that the break- fast shall not, at the outside, cost more than ninepence a head. With a four-and-sixpenny bridal cake, and a sound champagne that must not exceed fifteen shillings a dozen, how do you propose to make the thing go off with éclat? ‘‘Here we (pon’t) co Up, Ur, Urp!”—Last Saturday night the Curtain of the Shaftesbury Theatre would not go up at any price. Wasn't there a lever du rideauinthe bill? If so, why wasn’t it used /

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON —_—— —— + = THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD. tunt Betsy. ‘‘1 REALLY WONDER AT YOUR HAVING 80 MANY Frencu Books tn your Lisrary, JAMES, WITH ALL your DAUGHTERS ROWING UP!” Eva (who has overheard), ‘‘Faexcn Books, rxprep! Tae rea! Ivy WE COULD HELP IT—NOT EVEN IF PAPA WERE TO PORBID US TO/” WHY, WE SHOULD NEVER THINK OF READING A FreNcH Book, ae sineaa | ** Force is no remedy.” This doctrine mad | Hence chiding and cross purposes, and hence EXTREMES MEET. Was held by some of Liberty’s loud zealots.| Much heated fuss that needed sense refri- ta Auttont Give ett o Melts Beets “* How save by force is Order to be had | gerant. ’ ; ry aor. ’Midst a mixed horde of millionnaires and You cannot quite depend on the Defence THERE was (of course it must have been long helots ?”’ | When the Defenders are themselves belli- since The present would regard with lofty pity Men wo » such civie folly could evince answer, But, whensoe’er it was, there was a City; | And held that to have bettered it had tasked A populous City, of colossal size, The skill of an Utopian necromancer. Another one because he did too much, , Over some hundreds of square miles ex- ’ Or so some said. ‘‘ Nay, not a jot or tittle!” tending, There came a time—(of course, twas long Others retorted. That he satd a lot Its palaces the marvel of all eyes, ; : Was very certain, and, no doubt, a pity. Its serpentining maze of streets unending. When Power and its Police began to| Meanwhile, with wills at war and tempers And it was wealthy, was that City wide, " wrangle. Ute ? hot, ; The opulence of Ophir were a trifle Now, Masiec won’t maintain its magic flow The prospect was not pleasant for that City. To what was stored in it on every side. When even the performers jar and jangle. Its banks to sack, its palaces to rifle, | Lf the Big Drum belabours the Trombone, The bearings of this ancient legend lie Might tempt such stoics as Lrcurevs taught, And the Bass Viol pummels the First Fiddle, In their contemporary application. Much more mere ruffianly back-street ban- | oor to harmony! Time, tune, and tone | If such be visible to Wisdom’s eye, ; ditti Will be chaotic as a madman’s riddle. Wisdom should promptly change the situa- So that if Wealth’s position e’er was fraught | Well, the Police appeared to lose its head, tion. LAF) Se With desperate danger, it was in that City. | And Power its heart ; a serious disaster! | Power may at the implication chafe; ‘ They seemed demented by some strange new| Police may fume at the implied comparison ; And Power there had fashioned a Police | read, {master. | But ts the Citadel entirely safe , To safeguard Wealth, and keep poor rascals} And doubtings as to which of them was| Whilst there is angry strife amidst the quiet | A Democratic Spectre startled some garrison ? | Asa new avatar of Demogorgon. And check all impulse to rapine and riot. | Others opined that this was all a hum, Most wise, most provident in Power, of That the loud mouth was merely Freedom’s A Distinction. course , , organ, A CorREsPonDENT wants to know if an Where Lazarus and Dives are close neigh- | Not Anarchy’s red maw, or Robbery’s gorge, | Editor of a satirical and humorous Magazine bours, Gaping for prey, and avid after plunder; ought not himself to be an exceptionally bril- It needs the presence of well-ordered force ’T was merely an excuse for Power to forge liant wit? Our reply is, ‘* Not necessarily ; To re \ — safe, and Work-thralls at| Fresh chains for Freedom and keep Labour | but it is absolutely essential that he should 1elr labours, under. have all his wits about him,—on the staff.” | So Power very pertinently asked ; gerent. And Law, in Power’s hands, supplied the | One = a sacked because he let the clute Of Anarchy come close, and did too little. | To bid the worrying wail of misery cease, AuUNOS—i A>, was AHL WoAa , ATR RT ‘axnnnay aig Ee aw ,sI0 ct sree ees we AA

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Novemasr 24, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 249 _ ——— ENDICOTT’S LEGACY. e first of the Ewpicorrs, ancestor of the Miss Expicorr whom Mr. | JosgpH CHAMBERLAIN has just married at Washington, introduced into | America the English Daisy which in Massachusetts is still called “ Endicott’s Legacy.””) Aut men of British blood are | The flower of the Envicorrs kin, rom husetts new ! However far they range. Sure Flora on the match must Both Jomw and JonarHawn must) Fortunate Josera C. [smile! win | Thus to bring back to the Old By floral inter Isle Two centuries and a ago | Enpicorr’s Legacy ! : Jonx Enpicott, we’re told, /’Twixt England, Old and New, First bade the British Daisy blow | fresh link ! Arrah, now, Par, be aisy! — You ’ll surely join us as we drink “The Orchid and the Daisy! ” In Massachusetts old. Now Josepn’s luckiest of lots Is to bring home—(Hurroo!!!)— THE DRAMA-MAJOR AND MINOR. Dr. Birch’s Academy for Young Gentlemen, My Dear Mr. Poncn, You know, whenI grow ¥ to be a big man, like my OM father, I want to be a great writer > S of a ig Dramatist, don’t you call Yy, it? have already a stage, which seer aterosting nine called The Millet very in’ ing piece, | his Men, which is in Five Acts, and is printed in about eight pages, Now, as a very great treat, my er took me, the other a I came up to Town to visit the dentist—to see . Hands Across the Sea, at the Princess's »\ Theatre; and, from the papers, I learn ech that all the critics think it is a model \\ drama. If Hands Across the Sea isa a as Hands Across the Sea can be played J = just.as easily in my toy Theatre. Here -~ is my version, and I don’t think I have Mellow Drammer, left out anything of importance. HANDS ACROSS THE SEA. (Adapted to the Stage of the Theatre Royal Seven-and-Sizxpence. ) ACT I.—Farm in Devonshire. French Villain and Young Villain come on. French Villain. You must marry the young girl, and get some money and come with me to the most Sesetiiel wens in Paris. But first pay me all you owe me. Young Villain, I can’t. Ihave no money, I cannot pay. Young Villain’s Father (coming in). But I can for you. (Gives lots of money to French Villain, who bows and goes off). And now propose to the young girl. ’ Poun _ Villain. f will. (Young Villain’s Father goes off, and oung Girl comes on.) You must marry me! Young Girl. I can’t, because I want to marry — Young Farmer (coming on). Me! Young Villain’s Father (coming on). She shan’t; she shall only marry my young villain of a son. Her father left me power to make her marry whom I like. No one can stop me! Young Girl's Father (coming on). Oh, yes—I can. I am her Papa! (Tableau. Curtain. AC T Il.—In Paris. Girl’s Friend and Comic Sort of Man laughing. Girl's Friend, Why don’t you marry me? Comic Sort of Man. Because I don’t understand you. i . : ‘ They go off. Young Girl (comin on). I don’t like Another French Villain. an er French Villain (coming on through the window). I love Young Farmer (coming oa You mustn't! (Scene changes to another part of Paris, where play is going on.) You are a tue ke ! Hits him. Another French Villain. Liar! Female Fiend from France. Get me some money ! French Villain and Young Villain {coming on). We will! (Scene changes to another part 4 aris.) Die! Young English F [ stab Another French Villain, and if? off. Villain an armer (coming on), Why, here’s Another French did ! Everybody (coming on). You did it! You know [ Tableau and Curtain. —e ACT II].—Condemned Cell in Paris. Young Farmer. I must escape. [Does escape and is pursued by Soldiers, §c., who point their Young! Girt leomeng on). Don’t shoot him} Ths ! ‘oung Girl (coming on). Don’t shoot hi ve got a reprieve ! [Boerybody presents arms to her, Tableau, "Cuvtain. ACT IV.—At Sea. Young Girl, Girl’s Friend, Comic Sort of Man, and Young Villain, on board ship, Girl's Friend. Why don’t you marry me? Comic Sort of Man. Never thought of that before. Girl's Friend. Then you must be a stupid ! [ The Young Farmer (coming on). | have escaped from New Cal and qvergmedy thinks I am a sailor. Young Girl. I would kiss you, only there are so many people about. French Officer (coming on). I shall take you prisoner. Young Farmer. What for? Iam an Buglich sailor go off. edonia, Young Villain. No, you aren't. You area murderer ! French Officer (to his men). Seize him! English Captain (to everybody). Hearts of oak! Rule, Britannia ! Three cheers for the red, white, end blue! French Officer (to his men). Seize him, I say! English Captain (to everybody). Iam shugiigh-wenied if you shall! [Tableau. Curtain. ACT V.—In Australia, Everybod; Villain’s Father, Another Frenc Srom France. French Villain. The Young Villain murdered Another French Villain! I did see him do it! Everybody but the Young Villain. Seize him! Young Villain is seized. Tong Fon Joy! and yo we cone = sich oung Girl. ' sure. so will my Friend, and the Comic Sort of Man. ; Young Farmer (to her), We will! (To everybody.) Faint heart never won fair lady! It is meyer too late to mend. ‘‘A stitch in time saves nine!” And thus we live for ever with ‘‘ Hands Across the Sea!” [ Tableau. Curtain. The End. There! I think that will do? Come and see it played. Your affectionate young Friend, my dear Mr. Punch, CHARLIE, surnamed (at School) tue Piece-Maker. Sway except the tome illain, and a Female Fien OUR IN-DEPENDENCIES. Telegram from Prime Minister of South- West Cariboo to Secretary of State for the Colonies. Hear you’ve appointed Sir Micnagt TirmarsH as Governor. Don’t send him out. Won’t do at any price. Try another. From Colonial Secretary to Prime Minister of South-West Cariboo. Anything to oblige. Just told Sir Micmagt he would not do. He seemed surprised andasked why. Would you mind kindly saying why. Don’t doubt your judgment, but it would look better to give a reason. Reply dnt From Cariboo Prime Minister to Colonial Secretary, We don’t want him. Isn’t that enough? I may, however, inform fee confidentially, that somebody out here once saw a man like ir M. riding on outside of a City Omnibus, reading a halfpenny newspaper. Mind and let us know whom you think of for his substitute. From Colonial Secretary to Cariboo Premier. Don’t think of anybody. Leave you to suggest. From Cariboo Premier to Colonial Secretary. Glad you’ve adopted so sensible a course. Will wire names of acceptable persons for you to choose from in day or two. Colonial Secretary to Cariboo Premier. Received your names. Lorp 8, says he would be delighted, but thinks it would be difficult to find tenant for Hatfield House during his absence. Have sounded Mr. G. also, who is much flattered, but thinks he’s hardly enough for the post. Home Secretary here will probably be quitting the position soon ; what do you say to him ? Or, perhaps, sin W. Harcover might think of place, and we could spare him. Cariboo Prime Minister to Secretary of State for the Colonies, fiction pester pom, Benpoed tes Beuk @s-tert etaries, past or presen’ \ ° Have decided to fill up tay Rae and will let you know result in a month or two by . Meanwhile and remember that we ano @ ielé-Goveruing Colony.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON —, CHARIVARI. [Noveusmn 24, 1888, | —_—_—) LT Ai | sqnererniess { ey ad i i] {! ‘ mM 7 swe! |)’ ea Hj 2 4 A ‘ iiyayt 5 4 f ' | i / ih (0 A SLAVE OF FASHION. Lady (who has just paid a Month's subscription to the Circulating Library). **Wuat KIND or Books ARE READ THIS SEASON?” THE VISIBLE PRINCE.—(A Story of Magic and Mystery.) *‘How I should like to do all this?” I murmured to myself. I had been reading an account of the journey of an Illustrious Personage, and the passage had deeply impressed me. “If you mean what you say,” replied someone by my side, ‘‘I think I can manage it for you. All you have to do is to wear this, and express a wish to follow H.R.H. But I warn you that, until you return it to me, you will be able to follow no one else, and will remain a fixture until a new wish moves you on,” and I found myself receiving an old opera-hat in the Coffee-room of my Club from a member I had not seen before. ; “Do you mean to say that if I put this on it will carry me anywhere?” I asked, in a tone of astonishment. e strange member nodded. I put the old opera~hat on my head, and wishing myself near the Illustrious Personage in question, suddenly found myself in Bulgaria. Immediately | formed part of a group that meee have given an excellent subject to the Travel ling Artist of the Graphic or the Illustrated London News. There was the Illustrious Personage, sure enough; and, so far as I could see, he was taking a hurried shot at a bird. He fi successfully, and then looked at his watch. Then he shook hands with some one in attendance, and was gone. I had mechanically removed my hat on finding myself in his presence, and at once found that, uncovered, I was helpless—could move neither hand nor foot. The com- panions of the Illustrious Personage retired, and I was left alone—in splendid scenery, but still alone. I put on my hat, and uttered a wish. In a moment I was in Hungary, inspecting a cavalry regiment. The Colonel of the regiment was complimenting his men on their smart ap ce. Wearin : I had already found that my chapeau rendered me invisible), vr proached nearer, and discovered that the Commanding Officer who was so complimentary was no less a person than the heir to an Illustrious Throne. I heard him ask for the time (his uniform fitted closely to his figure, and had no pocket), and, on learning the hour, he bade his men a hurried adieu, and hastily departed. Pressing my hat firmly on my brow, I uttered a wish, and immediately was in Russia. I recognised the voice of the Illustrious Personage. He was bidding the Czar farewell. In another second he was gone! my hat (for | | Again, I found myself alone; and, perforce, had | |resume my rapid travelling. It woul wearisome ty recount the story of my wanderings. Suffice it to ay that I visited in turn Athens, Berlin, Homburg, Mon, Carlo, and Copenhagen. Although I had the advantag:| of my travelling opera-hat which conveyed me instantly | from place to = Ae. without effort, I felt that I was wear. ing myself out, while the Illustrious Personage in who» | wake I was forced to follow, seemed to me never to exyp. rience fatigue. He was always courteous, always cheer. | ful, but always looking at his watch. ** Now,” I murmured to myself, when I found mys in Paris, ‘‘ I shall have a short pause before I recommenc | my wanderings.” I was mistaken. Before I knew wher | I was, I Seal caveat in Yorkshire, Wales, Glasgow, and the Isle of Wight. I felt that my magic opera-hat wa | less than a blessing—that it was nearer a curse! ** What shall I do?” I said, piteously, as I found my. | self alone at the bottom of a coal-mine, which I, in Ilus- trious company, had recently been inspecting. ‘* What | shall I do?” The echo offering no satisfactory reply, | once more wished my wish, and, Ai presto! was back in London in my own Club. ‘‘ Have you had enough of it?” I turned round sharply, and found my fellow member of the morning seated beside me. “‘Thank you,” I replied, returning the gibus, “but pleasant as travelling may be, I honestly believe there is only one man in the world who is equal to the strain that you put upon me.” And I glanced at the Illustrious Personage, who, I noticed, had just taken out his wateh and was looking at it. THE MRS. HARRIS OF THE TREASURY. BRING me 5 boots,’ said the Baron.” ‘‘ Bring me |the Last of the Barons,” quoth Mr. Punch. And be ‘* What saidst thou, my Lord, 4 other eee | was brought. day, about the Public Prosecutor?” asked Mr. Sir,” replied the Last of the Barons, ‘* Je vous dirai —I mean, I will tell you. I said, in making certain observations on the case, I had been hearing ”— **Which you were thoroughly justified, Sir Last One, in making,” interrupted Mr. Punch, approvingly. ** But proceed.” The Last of the Barons blushed, and bowed, and then resumed—‘‘I regretted that in this country ther | should be no Public Prosecutor.” | ‘“* What!” exclaimed Mr. P. ‘To quote the learned precedent of a certain Prig,” said the Last One, ‘‘ ‘I don’t believe there ain’t no sich |person.’ Mr. Punch clapped his hands. A thousand of his own pages appeared on the instant. | ‘Bring me Whataker’s Almanack,” he commanded. At once it was handed to him. ‘ Now, let us see,” mut- tered Mr. Punch, turning over the leaves—‘* Govern- ment Offices—Treasury—Solicitor’s Department—her we are—read.”” And the Last of the Barons read out— “ Solicitor and Public Prosecutor, Sir Avcustus K. Srerass- son, K.C.B., £3000.” ** Well!” said Mr. Punch, “‘ explain!” ss “*T can’t,” replied the Last of the Barons, sinking down in a chair, and pressing his hand to his brow, “! can’t. a Public Prosecutor—somewhere.”’ ** And yet you regretted that, in this country, there should be no Public Prosecutor. How’s that?” asked Mr. Punch. ** He is an impalpable official . . . no—I don’t under- stand,’’ murmured the Last of the Barons. “* Nor does any one else,” returned Mr. Punch. “ As you have hinted, the Public Prosecutor is a Mrs. Harrw. Only the £3000 per annum is real enough. Thank you, Last One, for again callin to see the Last so well — 80 Vigorous,”’ P “Why not say Wig-orous?” whispered the Last ot the Barons, as glancing timidly towards Mr. P., he made hastily for the door. ** Good morning,” said Mr. P. gravely, and the Last One returned to the Count of Queen’s Bench. ‘“‘Nor THERE, NOT THERE, MY CurLp! ”’—On Friday | night the intelligence that H.R.H. had preferred hearing Nadgy to being present at the opening ceremony of the | Lyric Club, caused a Nadgytation from which the (om- | mittee are still suffering. There ought to be a Public Prosecutor—there our attention to the fact. Gilad | | | | | —— ed

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——— ce, had -arisome ty } It to Mar irg, Monts advantags | ] Instantly | Was wear. @ in who iT to expe. | ays cheer. nd myself com mence | lew where | SOW, and a-hat Was ound my. | , in Thns- a What y reply, | | back In rh of it?” V member us, “but eve there the strain llustrions ‘is watch URY. 3ring me And he the other P. ous dirai y certain ast One, ovingly. und then "y there 1 Prig,” E no sich housand Fovern- 1t —her: | out— TEPHEN- sinking ne there us ’ there ’ asked under- ** As Harris. k you, . Glad ast of » made >» Last riday | paring | of the | Com- | | ——" Novempgr 24, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 251 ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Ps; 2, | %, Fi s AY | | ; = ji ee) _ | House of Commons, Monday Night, November 12.—House looked! ‘‘ Come, come,” I said like old times at Question Hour. Benches full; great expectation; thus broken down. “* You’ve done your best; you can’t help volleys of Questions. Particular inquiries about Wheel and Van results. Besides, if you like the sound of name, and they won’t let | Tax. Goscuen judiciously absent. ‘No, Tony,” he said, nervously brushing his hat the wrong way. Tax? Anything to turn an honest penny!” I’ll just stop here in my own room till Ques- ‘“‘Tony,” he said, springing up, and shaking me warmly by the I know some one will ask whether it’s true I have | paw, ‘‘ You’ve saved me. A Weal and ’Am Tax is surely unobjec- I can’t, at present, bring tionable ; repeated briskly, sounds much like the other; daresay, in myself to speak on the subject. 1’m very much attached to the time, I’ll be able to transfer my affections, Excuse me, I must go measure, as they say parents often are to the least thriving of their and get up a few statistics, and see how it will work out. ‘ Weal I have cherished it for months against assaults from all and ’Am h |” Life would Told Hewry James about this. But so full of his own project, | “If you don’t mind, abandoned the Wheel and Van Tax. sides, and I cannot face the thought of abandoning it. not be worth living without my Wheel and Van Tax. There’s hadn’t word of sympathy for Goscney. something soothing in the very name.” (EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY. MP.) SECRETARY oF PRESENTA O® > ben. .* 1,000 not liking to see man of mirth like Joxem ou have the Wheel and Van Tax, why not try a Weal and’Am ax;’ good ‘*Going to have such larks with Werssrrr,” he said; ‘‘ Dick ae

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252 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LL, [Novempgr 24, 1888, getting a little uppish since he’s been Atronwey-Genrrat and | ‘Such is Life!” Leading Counsel snub me. of Crown, and see what happens! Waited accordingly. Arronney-Generat’s salary, Hewny James up ; cut Arronner-GeweraL dead. To great delight of Opposition, argued with irresistible force against ATTORNEY-GENERAL taking > Proved to demonstration, that, supposing by ce ATTORNEY- GENERAL were engaged in great case that demanded his presence in Probate or other Court from day to day, it would be impossible for him to discharge his duties to nation. AtTror- WEY-GENERAL could hardly believe his eyes and ears. Wasn’t this the learned gentleman who held a brief with him in a great case, who sat with him in Court in the morning, and indicted him at night in the House of Commons ? As for Josern Gris, his delight threatened to deepen into uproar. His shrill “Hear! hear!” resounded through crowded and amused House. His eyes gleamed with delight as they watched the Arromney - GENERAL. Smile on his face extended beyond all precedent. * Must be down early to the Court in the morning,” he said, ‘‘ and see what Wessrer says to Jamns when they take their seats together.” Business done.—Supply. Tuesday.—Granvo.ru and Jennies on the job. SacE of Queen Anne’s Gate, and others, speaking dis fully of Lory CuHan- cELLOR. House seems to have heard somethi of Hatssvry’s great meritsas family man; but, never in su ay detail. Appears, according to witnesses testifying upon their Parliamentary Oath, that Lorp CHANCELLOR sort of farms out offices of State, first “YS worsting for those of his own family, and next for his family’s riendas, ‘“‘ There never was such a jobber,” says the Sac, amid cheers and laughter : Referee Filled up a certain office of Soames — by to an Cuancettor of the Ex- CHEQUER to bewnnecessary. “ Filled it up,” cried Granporrn, “‘ in the teeth of the opinion of the Trea- 8 ’ “Quite a dental opera- tion, you see,” said Durr, giving his moustache that final twirl which Gran- poLpH affects to despi but secretly envies. one to say a good word for the Lord High Jobber, his far-reaching family, or hi family’s friends. At very moment, as it happened, Lord High Job- ber on his feet in Lords, perched on highest pede- stal of loftiest morality, rotestin against the Baths Bill. Standing aside from the Woolsack, his svelt figure draped in In the Heat of Argument. of massive wig, he ke more in sorrow than in anger. All very well for Markiss to aside ; for Bishop of CaRLiscx actually to support Bill; for Spencer, Granvitiz, and Dexsr, to declare in its favour. The nature, the more spotless integrity, of Lord High Jobber would a neither part nor lot with the accursed thing. A beautiful sight! A touching spectacle! and all the while, at this very moment, separated only by the length of the corridor breadth of the lobby, rude persons were prating about the good man’s jobbery, and denouncing his dealings with unprotected pnblie purse. or Times in Probate Court. Rather inclined to heard the story. But you stop till Vote comes on for Salary of Law Officers | Sypvey Buxroy, having moved to reduce | signals on railway; but nothing serious. Now Oaths Bill passing the Lords. as Otp Moratity profoundly remarked whe Business done.—Supply voted. ~ Decks cleared for action to-night. Been plodding Occasional explosions, like fog- ; trumpet sounds: forces marshal in battle array. OLp Moraxity sounded trumpet, though not his own. Too modest for that Anxious chiefly to get business through. Always ready to efface himself with that object. ‘Tell you what, Tony,” G. O. M. said to me the other day, “‘some of you fellows laugh at Surru, but he gets through his atk uncommonly well ; es no ; always courteous ; a thorough man of business; hasn’t an enemy in the House unless it be Sneees , on oo whole, in ion of peculiar diffi- oul, does better than any- one else they could put there.” G. O. M. right as usual. House getting to like Orp Moratiry, something in the way it used to be attached to Srarrorp Norrucorr, Laughs at him now and then, but always good- humouredly. Really anx- ious to make things as smooth for him as possible, Thursday. ‘ along for ten days in Supply. D oe Be But line must be drawn * Pas é somewhere. When to-night . aj he announces introduction of new Land Purchase Act, shout of defiance goes up from a ranks. Grand Old Man steps into front, waves the Grand O next week there’ll be a Grand Old Row. Meanwhile Home Secretary having a bad time. Peppered on all sides; adversaries in front of him, enemies to right of him. JounstTon at back of him. Martraews in heat of argument momen- tarily turns back on Speaker, addressing Member below the Gang- way. JOHNSTON discovers in this indication of design to undermine ition of QuEEN as Head of Church. Hotly protests; Marruews umbly apologises. Business done.—Supply. Friday.—Met Psaaw-Lerevnr in Library just now with hat tilted further than ever from lofty brow. Oddly enough, that’s his way of indicating deeper depression, “ What’s the matter?” I asked. still refuse to put you on a plank bed?” _“* No,” he said, wearily, ‘‘ I’m used to that exer- cise of tyranny. It’s the Sacre of Queen Anne's Gate that weighs me down. You know all about my scheme for adding Mortuary Chapel to West- minster Abbey f ae idea; quite prac- ticadle; illustra with maps. Talking about it to Sacer, told him how there were two houses close by Abbey, to be bought on easy terms, furnishing site for chapel. Sacz deeply interested. Much flattered by his attention; enlarged upon theme; said he thought it capital. Week after surprised to hear one of the houses been sold. ‘ Who bought it?’ I asked ‘Mr. Lanov- CHERE,’ said he. Ex- ted to discover him dee im rather radiant than o investment for me,’ says he. compulsorily taken, you must pay me at least fifteen per cent. on my outlay. Meantime I s i Nice situation ; ** BaLFrour cigarette, spend a deal of money on it. Make the place quite comfortable ; when you bay it, you must pay fifteen per cent. on all improvements.’ There’s a man for you!” says PsHa¥- LeFevre, groaning his way out of Library. At work all night in Supply. Only three Votes passed. After M t Havpaneg, by ~m stroke of luck gets a private Bill is Haldane, wincrt / through ec. Ks tinction in these times, which justifies air of triumph with which Hatpane walks homeward across lobby. Business done.— . ee > NOTICE. — Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Metter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. To this rule ~ |r vasa 3 | £28 PA i

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Page 344

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ate Hil) TS. ; ANY size ONS, ‘te Hill, [ FLOOR gE nl E JUARE, ENG. ATION. tY ano ERCHE ERATE | DecemBer 1, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 253 HEIGHO ’BACCY! (Ode on an Empty Pipe. By a Hard-up Smoker.) PLEASANT pipe, companionable clay ! Empty—like thy luckless master’s pocket, Fireless as Care’s candle burned away, Long ere daybreak, to the very socket! — When a cove is penni- less and dry, Having whiffed the last of his small whack, he Can donought but pouch his pipe, and ery, Hewgho’ Baccy ! Heigho ’Baccy! I can understand How the “lag” in lonely cell longs for ee ; How the storm - tost sailor, far from land, Yearns in night’s long watch to ‘‘ blow” or **chor” thee. Comfortable weed! Out on the churls, Scientific prigs, and sawbones quacky, Who find mischief in thy fragrant whirls, Heigho’ Baccy : When the tinless toiler draws his belt With a trembling hand a trifle tighter To compress that vacuum each has felt Who with poverty has been a fighter, If his lips may but caress his clay, Though cash will not run to glass or snack, he, With recovered pluck ean peg away. Heigho’ Baccy ! When cold Care confronts one in life’s road, When bereavement chills the lonely ingle, When sharp disappointment wields its goad, When a chap is seedy, stumped, sad, single, Then, however sage ones chide or croak, Spite of doctor harsh, fanatic cracky, There ts comfort in a quiet smoke ! Heigho’ Baccy ! ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. CricKeTING VENTURE.—By all means carry out your em of bringing over an Eleven of Caggerwee Cannibal slanders to play a series of Matches with the leading County Clubs next season. Your idea of ace i them to the game by letting them do their bowling, in the first instance, with a human head, and their batting with an adult thigh-bone, is excellent. Be careful, when you get them on to the field, that they donot eat the Wicket- keeper’s gloves, and ae a pads, or want to roast the Umpire, as they invariably do in their own national game of Balagoo, after the first innin You could convey them safely to the Oval in ‘olice omnibus. Spec- tators, of course, would have to look out for themselves. Dress Cracte.—It would have been better had you not, on being removed from the theatre, offered to fight the three Box-keepers with your left hand, and knocked the Acting Manager’s hat over his eyes. Still your | assailant had no right to obstruct your view of the stage by sitting on his great-coat, and then throw you over into the pit when you complained. Try a cross-summons. CuEss.—You cannot move your Queen like a Knight, unless you get a safe opportunity, when your opponent is not looking. If you are ing the worst of a game when laying for a shilling, certainly knock the board over. This is frequently done in International contests and counts as a draw. _ Sportine.—You will be certainly right in entering your Four-wheeler cab-horse for the next Derby. Never mind the condition of his knees, but stick to your determina- tion to ride the horse yourself, and you may yet pull off Eriquette.—It is not exactly a breach of good manners at a fashionable dinner party to ask five times for soup, but it would be more comme ii faut to be con- tented with three helpings. A blue satin tie and a buff waistcoat are not generally ures as correct evening dress in the best society, but carried off with a little effrontery, they might pass muster. By all means try them at the Race Ball to which you refer, for if the worst comes to the worst, you can but be kicked out by the Stewards. Certainly, after the circamstances you mention, buttonhole the Duke, and if he resent the familiarity, slap him sharply on the back, and say, “I told you so, old fellow!” If this does not quiet him, repeat it. "ARRY ON COMPETITIVE EXAMINATION. Dear Cuartiz,—I’m down on my luck, fairly chucked, and no error this go. I was in for a slap-up new crib, and I thought I should come out top row; And would you believe it, old pal, though I did do a bit of a cram, I was bunnicked slap out of the ’unt all along of a bloomin’ Exam! Me, Cuartre ! and bested at last by a lantern-jaw’d son of a gun, A ginger-’aired juggins in gig-lamps, who romped in before me like fun. Mugged a lot about Parley Voo, histry, and grammar, and Latin, and stuff, But no more in the know as a man, than a monkey—the tow-’eaded muff ! And this is wot Cramming jhas brought us to, Cuartie! Him give me the s he can spell a bit better, and me sech a scorcher? Wot muck! [chuck, Hedgercation ’s a fraud, my dear boy, as they shovel it into us now, And I’m glad as some toffs as ’ave twigged it are raisin’ a bit of a row. Them there Nineteenth Century nobs knows their book, my dear boy, and no kid. Wish they ’d asked me to tip ’em my notions ; I wouldn’t ha’ charged arf a quid, I’m that fair on the bile, mate, about it. Competitive System? No doubt! They may give it fine names like be blowed, but J call it a blooming Knock-Out. It plays into the ’ands of the mugs and the mivvies, the saps and the sneaks, _ That’s wot this dashed ‘‘ System” does, Cuantie. A goose may be stuffed in _ 8x weeks, Fit to cackle slap through an Exam, but it’s all blessed fiddlededee To suppose that competitive cram ever turns out sech sparklers as Me. We are on the wrong lay, that’s a moral; the duffers are ’aving tho pull. Jest look at the Germans, dear boy, how they ’re stealing a march on Jonn But, Your sandy-topped Sausage in specs is a copping our cribs and our tin, Whilst becos we carn’t creak in six languages—bust ‘em !—we ’ve not a look in. It’s like this, old pal. Hedgercation is all very well in its way, But it isn’t the lingo as does it. A party may ‘ave lots of say, And yet when it comes to true smartness he simply mayn’t be in the ‘unt, And it is jest these ’ere pattering prigs as is giving us snide ’uns the shunt. Book-learning, dear boy, is like ochre, you don’t want to spread it ¢vo fur ; If we’d all hedgercation and oof there would soon be a pooty fine stir. Teach all the poor kids ’ow to patter hitalian, and play upon flutes, And who’d sweep our chimbleys and sewers, or polish our winders and boots ? It,’s much too dashed levelling, Cuartix. The few as has bullion or brains Is meant for topsawyers as certain as mountains is higher than plains. Yus; Life is a ’andicap, CHaRtiz; it would be a blessed fine catch, If yer trained all the duffers free gratis, and made all the pots start from scratch ! No privilege, CHAR iz, no patro ? Yah! that’s all radical rot ; It’s ’ad a long innings and wot’s the result? Things is going to pot. The swells ’as to sweat, and that spiles ’em, the commoners cram and go queer, Whilst ’Arry’s cut out by a mug with a head like a dashed pot o’ beer. Pooty nice state of things and no error! ‘“ Life’s jest a long scramble,” sez __ HARRISON, “Of pot-hunting.” Yus, and he’s right, and ’as’it on a O. K. comparison. Blarmed noosance, yer know, if a feller can’t nobble a crib and a screw Without being crammed with more kibosh than Ciive or Lord WeLLInoton knew. Water WRN takes the tother side. Jest so! He lives up that street, dontcher He’s the crammiest crammer of all ; wish he’d taken a turn, mate, at me ; [see, He’d ha’ shoved me through somehow, you bet; he’s a long-headed, ’ard ’itting But a gent as is really a gent doesn’t want to be kep on the shove. [cove, Sez Wren, ‘‘ Would you bring old jobbery ?”” Waren, dear boy, that may do For a slasher in Quinrer’s new monthly, the flaming ‘‘ Flamingo Review.” Nepo—wot’s it ?—soundsnobby, nodoubt, but remember that there Board o’ Works! Human Nature is still Human Nature, and all on us cottons to perks. We wants it made easy for right ’uns, and nice for the nobs—and wot ’arm ? There ain’t enough nests to go round, let the few keep ’em on and warm. That may not be highpolite morals, or wirtue on stilts, but I'll trouble you To say if it isn’t the way of the world, my dear W. W. To be worried ’arf out of our senses—us dashers—by dollops of cram ; And then spiked like a juggins at last by an eye-bunger called an Exam ; Great Seott, it’s a jiggered fine joke. I’m with Freeman; Exams are And if we don’t bosh up that bizness Old England will go to the devil. [adl evil, Appointment by patronage! Ah! that’s yer sort, mate, I freeze onto that. the race with him. There is a slight entrance fee; but | Stewards of the Jockey Club. you can get any rome 2 ame from any one of the | That tow-’eaded mug cops the crib, and Wot patron of sense would pluck me ’cos I ’adn't got grammar quite pat ? I’m fy, know each game on the board ; yet becos facts and dates I carn’t carry, tm chucked ! Yours disgustedly, *ARkY, vol, ICV. Z & ; i $

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LONDON CHARIVARIL. PUNCH, OR THE LS st ae on ~~ TO, “web ~ a CRITICAL Hires rs THe MACHINERY oF THE GOSCHEN PATENT “‘ WeEL AND Wan” Toy. LEADER oF HovsE APPEALS TO HERCULES FOR ASSISTANCE TO MAKE THE FiGURE WORK. rE S es oor \ ~~ > amet MOMENT. ee ——— “SO ENGLISH.” Wuen that scare took place in Whitechapel last week, the supposed criminal was pursued by Policemen and five Detectives. Everybody knew them! Here they come, all at once, jumped up inner perhaps ; down with the knives and forks, and on with their hats, and off they rush all together, these five Detectives. How mysterious ! How subtle! And the fugitive eseaped, after all, without any diffi- culty'! What nonsense about an Englishman’s objection to detec- tion asa ‘‘ spy system.” Doesn’t the Englishman enjoy the Detective in an exciting novel, and applaud Hawkshaw in the disguise of # navvy in the Ticket of Leave Man? Why, of course. The Execu- tive and the Detective Departments shoul be as distinct as the left hand from the right, ready to assist each other, and under the direc- tion of one responsible Head. As Chief of the Detective Department, we should select Mr. Wiixre Coxrys, assisted by Miss Baappox and L. B. Farsgon. This would be the nucleus of an intelligent staff, to begin with.

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ve 1- vod t, iN it - | Decemper 1, 1888.] \_——— ' N | ‘ Ke 4 ry NH oe } Hit! S \ RS } \) — i ‘lh l, Ai PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. YP “THE OTHER WAY ABOUT.” 4 Trate Passenger (as Train is moving off). ‘‘Way THE —— DIDN'T You puT my LuGGAGE IN A8 I TOLD you—-you oLD——” Porter. *‘E—n, MAN! YER BAGGAGE ES NA SIC A FULE AS YERSEL. YE’RE I’ THE WRANG TRAIN!” before him! He saw his ata pile of ravings them off. es Harbour,’ and But I have surmo' title of ‘the verdict is boyhood, with it. It could not be wasted! had come to him from across the sea—from an artist who had sought | HOW TO WRITE A CHRISTMAS STORY. (By One who has Done It.) THE room was full of shadows! Visions of his past life rose i which, as he glanced at the MS. on his desk, gave such an excellent scope for illustration. Could he not picture to himself the arrival of the old-fashioned mail-coach in the Midlands; and had not this been actually done by one of the artistic staff attached to the periodical for which he was working ? Was not the proof actually before him? Did he not see the cheery coachman, and the red-coated guard there not lying a weird representation of some dark arches ? “What does it mean?” he murm placed the drawing well under the writing-table—‘‘ what does it mean ?’ He was a d te man, and he felt that something must be done | No, it could not be wasted! It | ? And beside this picture was ured for the third time as he | ad that was standing on his | | embarrassment in the soft air of | Wreck off Boulogne at Sandown.’ For a moment a duel to the death between two gentlemen in the costume of CHARLES THE SECOND lexed me—I confess it—perplexed me! e difficulty by my oy le hotly discussed after the Bal Masqué,’ and writing up to it! But I must not pause! What have wehere? A relief from pressing Spain. But it had to be introduced—it had to be written in. “* Ah!” he exclaimed at le y not of the Adelphi Arches. Mary must dream that therein she meets| Then came the answer. It sounded like the knell of doom! The the slimy villain of my simple tale, Dr. Uttercadson, he of the | Author knew it was all over, and that his occupation was gone—if too portly presence and the flowing moustache. The Adelphi Arches | not for ever, for a long, long year! will be just the spot to meet him face to face and denounce him.” i And the plodding author continued his weary toil, sending away slip after slip of paper upwards. And now and again would he glance i and smile sadly as one by one he knocked “Come!” he said, speaking to himself—it was a favourite habit, “IT am doing famously. I have worked in ‘the ‘the Grand Stand mgth, ‘‘I haveit. This is a drawing | and gaspe it in under the Child playing with a White Vulture and the Emperor of Germany opening in state the Reichstag. Well, I must introduce both subjects into my weird tale—and what is this?—two men descending in a balloon at midnight in a forest? Hem! What shall I do? Ah, I have it! I can write up to that block, so that it may bear the appro- riate label, ‘The Lunacy Commissioners visit the grounds of ‘olney Hateh by Moonlight unexpectedly.’ Still, I must confess that the subjects of the pictures handed out to me, although varied, are certainly confusing. I wish my task were done!” And again he returned to his pen, ink, and paper. The room grew darker and darker, and nought was heard save the constant scrate ing of the pen and the occasional footsteps of the lad who carried away the sheets of papet. It grew darker and darker, and gloomier and gloomier. Suddenly there was the sound of a deep grave voice. ** Pause! Write no more!” The Author looked up angrily, and then nearly swooned with terror ; his hair stood on end, and his white > Y trembled. There was a figure in white standing before him! figure, a gruesome figure, with bare arms and dishevelled locks. But the Author was a man of business, and, although every nerve in his body was quivering with emotion, he confronted the spectre, 4 out, ‘* ‘ Write no more’! ad ‘* Why must you write no more?” said the spectral figure, expla- natorily ; ‘‘ because we are full up; and because the rest of the space in the number will be required for advertisements ! ” And trying to read over what he had already written, the Author fell into a deep, deep slumber ! Tury’re beginning to ‘‘ manage these things better in France.” Edict of Prefect of Police banishing sandwichmen and advertising vans from principal Boulevards, has jos been issued. Fancy cos- tumes for sandwichmen prohibited! e should like to see Mural Decorative Art taxed heavily, and to put up murderous picture- posters made an indictable offence.

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(Decemner 1, 1888, | 1 a Derective. You MAY KNOW HIM ANYWHERE BY His ReevLaTion Boots. THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out fruitless. Louptw has Darsy Mutiak on the brain, so we see little of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal times. CummMines dropped in. November 9.—Lurtn seems to like his new berth—that’sa comfort, Daisy Mut- LAR the sole topic of conversation during tea, CARRIE almost as full of it as Lorry. Lurtn informs me, to my disgust, that he has been persuaded to take part in the forthcoming performance of the ‘‘ Hollo- way Comedians.” He says he is to play Bob Britches in the farce, Gone to my Uncle's; Frank Morar is going to play Old Musty. I told Lrpty pretty plainly [ was not in the least degree interested in the matter, and totally disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowrye came in the evening. November 10.—Returned home to find the house in met tie graceful uproar. Cakrre, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside her bed-room, while Roose was excited and crying. Mrs. Birrewe (the charwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top of her voice that ‘‘ she was no thief, that r was a respectable woman, who had to work hard for her living, and she would smack anyone’s face who put lies into her mouth.” Lup, whose back was towards me, did not hear me come in. He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, in his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong language in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to hear him say, ‘‘ And all this fuss about the loss of a few from a rotten Diary that wouldn’t fetch three halfpence a po ” I said, quietly, ‘‘ Pardon me, Lupry —that isa matter of opinion ; and as I am master of this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins.” I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sanam had accused Mrs. Brrrer. of tearing the pages out of my Diary to wrap ie up some kitchen fat and leavings w she had taken out of the house last week Nore miber 5 of my Diary still . ae, ”) Caw }/e Ss | Nobody Nose. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | |M Mrs. Bireett had slapped Saraw’s face, and said | ii) she had taken nothing out of the place, as there was “‘ never no leavings to take.” I ordered Saran back to her work, and requested | rs. BrrRELL to go home. When I entered the parlour Lurry was kicking his legs in the air, and roaring with laughter. November 11 (Sunday).—Coming home from church Carnie and I met Lupow, Daisy Mortar, and her brother. Daisy was intro- duced to us, and we walked home together, CakRre walking on with | Miss Murtar. We asked them in for a few minutes, and I had a xd look at my future daughter-in-law. My heart quite sank. | he is a big young woman, and I should think at least eight years older than Lurry. I did not even think her good-looking. Carri asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brother to | meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be too pleased. November 12.— Carnie sent out invitations to Gowine, the Cummines’, to Mr. and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Striisroox, I wrote a note to Mr. Francurnea, of Peckham. CaRri£ said we may as well make it a nice affair, and why not ask our principal, | Mr. Perxurr. I said, I feared we were not quite grand enough for him. Carrre said there was ‘‘no offence in asking him.” I said, | “* Certainly not,” and I wrote him a letter. Carrie confessed she | was a little disappointed with Daisy Muttar’s appearance, but | thought she seemed a nice girl. November 13.— Bversboly so far has accepted for our quite grand | little party for to-morrow. Mr. Perxupr, in a nice letter, which | | shall keep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could et away, he would come up to ellogue for an hour. CARRIE was usy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies. She said she felt quite nervous about her responsibilities to-morrow evening. We decided to have some light things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef, for the more hungry ones to peg into if they liked. Gowrne called to know if he was to put on ‘* swallow-tails” to-morrow. Carre said he had better dress, especially as Mr. FaaNcHiINnG was coming, and there was a possibility of Mr. Perxvrr also putting in an appearance. Gowrne said, ‘‘ Oh, I only wanted to know ; for I have not worn my dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases pressed out.” After Gowrne left Lurry came in, and in his anxiety to please Daisy MvTLak, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact, disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old friend, Cummines, who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a green- grocer engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if Darsy took him for one. I fairly lost my temper, and I said, ‘‘ Lupry, allow me to tell you Miss Daisy Mortar is not the Queen of England. I gave you credit for more wisdom than to allow ets to be inveigled into an engagement with a woman considerably older than yourself. I advise you to think of earning your living before entangling your- self with a wife whom you will ave to support, and, in all proba- bility, her brother also, who appeared to be nothing but a loafer.” Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupry jumped up and said, ‘“‘If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult me. I will leave the house and never darken your doors again.” He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was all ., He came back to supper, and we played Bézique till nearly 12 o’ clock. THE TREASURY MRS. HARRIS AGAIN. Is there, or is there not, a Public Prosecutor? Last week we recorded how the Last of the Barons regretted the non-existence of such an official in this country, and Mr. Punch boonght forward the evidence of Whitaker and the Salary List to establish the fact of the P. P.’s existence. This week, in the Central Criminal, we find Mr. PuRcELL saying, that the case in which he was engaged was one that the Public Prosecutor ought to have taken up. hereupon Mr. Potanp requested Mr. Purce tt (what a lot of P.’s in this!) ‘ not to attack an ieont official ; ”’ and Mr. Justice Hawxins observed (this was Justice to Porawp) that in his opinion ‘‘ the Public Pro- secutor was quite right.” Now, what have we got? First, that beyond possibility of doubt, the Public Prosecutor exists. Secondly, that he is “‘an a nt official.” Thirdly, that he was, at the time of speaking, “‘ quite right.” The last piece of evidence is important, and the Last of the Barons will now only have to regret that this official was “absent,” but will rejoice that on occasion he should be “quite right.” He is probabi never absent on or about quarter-day, 2 Whitaker gives the salary of Solicitor and Public Prosecutor, +.¢., two single gentlemen rolled into one, in the person of Sir AveusTUs K. Sreruenson, K.C.B., at £3000 per annum—and very kind of Whitaker to give it. Only—what’s done with it? Exotisa Cooxery.—We’re always hoisting the British flag, and we’ve done it again lately on Cook’s Islands in the South Pacific. Great rejoicings at Cook's Tourist’s Offices ali over the world. Islands now added to the list of the Cookeries on which the sun never sets. —

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i 888, — ver no | jwested | iN Was | [E and intro. | 1 with | had a | sank, | , years | ‘ARRIE | ther to ased, 3, the | ROOK, | id we | cipal, | gh for | said, dd she , but nd ich | could E was ellies, rTOW such n the DecemBer 1, 1888.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 257 THE “ RIGHT TO KNOW.” Ir is an axiom with the Press—no ment it needs to show— That, ‘‘ Other people’s busi-ness the Public has a right to know. Each blemish in a Hero’s life—of yesterday or long ago— His real relations with his wife, the Public has a right to know. New works which all the world surprise are ‘* stolen straight from So-and-so,” : That ‘‘ all who please it plagiarise,” the Public has a right to know. Celebrities are interviewed, and all that, under torture slow, From their reluctant lips is serewed, the Public has a right to know. On deeds of ghastliness or gore a lurid light the Press must throw ; Details (as has been said before) the Public has a right to know. To publish ‘‘ clues” may serve to prime the criminal that’s lying low ; But—every step in tracking crime the Public has a right to know. State secrets to disseminate may harm a friend and help a foe ; The Cabinet may feel irate—the Public has a right to know. When scandals come before the Court that force a hardened cheek to glow, , The whole unsavoury report the Public has a right to know. And still the journalistic dredge seeks new impurities below, Of which (ah, precious privilege !) the Public the right to know. Yet Punch at times is fain to doubt if it were folly to forego, Or hard to learn to do without, some news we have the right to know ! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Mr. F. C, Parris has scored in with his Little Mrs. Murray though he has not obtained the full marks entitling him to a special prize. The reader whotakes up Little Mrs. Murray will be loth to part | with her, ashe will Ht! be always curious =~. to learn what on ij) earth this erratic person is going to do next. As a thing— absolutely A matter of fact, she | ,|, goes to a variety of | and ™ places, butdoes no- | Exit ‘‘ Co,” well together, except in one instance, where they quarrelled over ** Mrs, Mashemall,” whom the author has descri as ‘“‘a smart icy little body (blonde hair),” and the artist has depicted as a ecidedly,big body with very dark hair. Our Farm, told by Pat- TENDEN, and drawn by WAL, rather‘funny, but not the work of a Wary of original humour. Good sixpenn’ anyhow. Flora’s Feast, published by.Cassett & Co., Limited, is a quaint Burne- Jonesian kind of book by Water Crane. It comes out with the Christmas Books, and is about as Christmassy as the Sunflowerest westhete could possibly desire. If I could select one picture above another, which would take the public, it would be the poppy-heads which are likely to be Roppylar. **Co.” is exhausted. I’ve just seen the Christmas number of the Penny I/lustrated, price fourpence, which means that this is equal to four ordinary numbers. The cover is the pink of perfection. The central picture in colours, of a child in bed, ey kitten to come u the mistletoe, might have been termed tech Company. The child, whose teeth are not as white as could be wished, ought to have been in a ‘‘ Cat’s-cradle.” The chief story, *‘ Diamonds’ led,” by J. Latey, Junior, shows that he was quite right to lead diamonds as Mr. W. Mackay has followed suit with a rama on a similar plot in verse. Diamonds Led, is a three-volume novel essenced into tive pages ; and there is also a very funny notion for a new kind of advertisement in the story about The Australian Parrot. Several other good things in it; but that it is among the first to appear and comes out early, its motto might be, ‘* Better Lutey than never.” ** Co.” comes up again smiling. For a first-class piece of harmless nonsense commend me to A Publisher's Playground, a small (not too small) volume of poems produced by Kerean, Pavr, Frencn & Co., and presumably written by one of the Firm. If my pre- sumption is correct, the Author’s partners must be persons blessed with a sense of humour, which makes them ready at all times to sacrifice business considerations for the sake of a practical joke. Mr. AnpkEw Lane contributes to the Christmas store specimens of the ‘‘ Grass of Parnassus.” Being a collection of poems already published, it is not intended to be grass fresh cut, but for the matter of that, the bundle has all the sweetness of New Mown Hay, or ifa scent is on my lips and under my very nose let me name, appro- priately, *‘ Y Lang Y Lang.” The old songs published by Castett Brornenrs are to be found in the daintiest little books. Each miniature volume can be had ** for a mere song.” Marcus Warp & Co.’s Little Boy Blue, and other old nursery rhymes, will be to the taste of the children young and old. Oranges and Lemons, and Wee Willie Winkle, are charmingly illustrated. By the Sea is a short collection of Poems, commencing with nothing, ‘and nothing is done to her. She’s not bad, she’s not good— | Lonerettow’s The Secret of the Sea, the title of which would be a she’s ordinary ; and 1 suppose in this fact lies the real interest. Itis, | capital advertisement for an anti-mal-de- as it were, another version of Nobody’s Diary, only that in this case the N obody is a young widow who, wishing without visible means of | subsistence, to make herself independent, takes to the stage, then to | have a few not quite up to the mark when lady-companionship, then to Millinery, then to some sort of East-| giving us such a dainty work as Young End Anglican Sisterhood, and then to the Matronship of a Private | Maids and Old China, though old maids Lunatic Asylum ; and, last scene of all, to marriage. ‘There is no | lot as there was (and a strong one, too) in Asin a Looking Glass. | ‘he sketches seem to be from real life, and I should like to know the originals of the Manager of the Jollity Theatre, and of the Reverend Simon Heady, Superior of Saint Cunegonda’s Sisterhood. The little woman is an excellent companion for an hour or so,—sprightly, interesting, and amusing. I am choosing some re Books and Cards, as, what the lawyers call, ‘‘ these presents,” and am puzzled between the charm- ing ‘* Photographic ls,” the original and tasteful designs of Messrs. HitDESHEIMER and FAULKNER, and the artistic reproduc- tions of well-known pictures, and the delightful booklets of that ublisher who rejoices in the truly Italian artistic Christian name of RAPHARL, coupled with the truly English surname of Tuck. Tock in again at Christmas-time. To help me in running through these Christmas Books I’m com- lied to engage a ‘‘Co.”—the Christmas reading firm is Baron Ye Boox-Worms & Co.—and as far as ‘‘ Co.” has gone I am informed that Miss Rosa MuLHOLLAND has written Gianetta, a girl’s story for a girl—quite an up story. That Mr. Henry, who has written plenty, is up to his best form in Captain Bayley’s Heir— (young BayLey, we’re not interested in the old ’un)—which is all about California, and Dmg by Bracxre. Then “Co.” says that Rovrteper’s Pied Piper, illustrated by Kate Greenaway, is exceptionally pretty. ‘Now welcome Kare!” —which is not quoted from r ‘aming of the Shrew. Mr. Hoa, the publisher, makes a hit with a collection of old fairy tales called Children’s Evergreens. Nice dish at Christmas, ask for Hogg and Evergreens. Books marked W anne are brand new, yet are “‘ Warne out!”’ My “Co.” recommends WaRNr’s Rosebud Annual for the little ones. Here’s one by Cuartes F, Rrprat, illustrated by Hanzy Parxes. Nothing very startling: and author and artist seem to have got on mer remedy. Illustrations not startling. But Marcus Warp & Co. can afford to and old china go better together, as, from my experience, young fe play the very doose with the old china in attempting to wash up. ‘‘ Yes, your wash-up, it blew out of my hand, at broke all to nothing.” That’s how it happens with young maids, ve the Baron. ‘ *ve just seen Marcus Warn’s Christmas Cheque Book. It’s capital! I only wish it were just that capital that eeu dismiss satisfactorily all my other Christmas Books. Those of the Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick Maker, &c. No matter. We may be happy yet. Christ- mas comes but once a year. If it came twice I should be broke entirely, says your own ewer, Tue Baron pe Boox-Worms, With a Mayer Maying. You ought to go and see ‘* My Pretty Jane” is there. Le Monde ot l'on 8 ennuie, November, you ’ll declare, Played at the Royaltee Is banished by this fair Some night or Matinée, And most refreshing May. SANDER v. THE Duchess oF MonwTorcHtD (new style).—What “Mr. Manton” said of the cross-examining Counsel, ‘‘ He did ask such orchid questions.” And when Her Grace heard herself so ungrace- fully alluded to as ‘‘ the old girl” in her Head Gardener's letter, Mr. Manron is reported to have exclaimed, ‘‘ Head Gardener, indeed! I'd like to give him some top-dressing !” MereoroLoeicaL Report rrom THE Spectat Commission Court py Mr. E. Hanginoron.—'* Wednesday, November 21. Fine.” + aA aia.s = sent ot aD ss Pip Se Sha : 2 ,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [December 1, 1888. Ae toy THE NEW SOCIETY CRAZE. The New Governess (through her pretty nose), “‘Waatt—I COME RIGHT SLICK AWAY FROM Ne'York City, AN’ I AIN’T HAD MUCH TIME FOR FOOLIN’ AROUND In Evropz—you set! So I can’t Fix up your GALs IN THE Ev-rOPEAN LANGUAGES, NO-HOW !” Belgravian Mamma (who knows there's a Duke or two still left in the Matrimonial Market). ‘‘ On, THAT'S OF NO CONSEQUENCE. I WANT MY DAUGHTERS TO ACQUIRE THE AMERICAN ACCENT IN ALL ITS PURITY—AND THE IDIOMS, AND ALL THAT, Now 1’M suRE FOU WILL DO ADMIRABLY /" CRAMMING VERSUS “CLEMMING”! | But — all safe in your seats, hushed all partisan —— A Plain Word in Season t the New School Board. With your sapient heads pretty cool, and your strenuous hands fairly ‘ : | Whatthen?’ There ’s a question confronts you that will not be shelved Goopv Gentlemen,—wise men, or wiseacres, pundits, philanthropists, or set by, ; [honestly try. —— of = of a ep of all of as ae [fools Which will tax your rood will and best skill, een supposing you r. P’anch has a word for the ears of each one of your muster, a wor , " Men may strive to or hush down, but whieh sounds, and will A pedagogue, —not of your sort, he preceded all Boards by some have te be heard ! (work ; | o-3°ss wr.) » _— eas . Mr. Punch is at one with your general aim, feels a pride in your | = — oS ee: ’ Perhaps you’re inclined to say ditto For instructing our People ‘sa duty which none but a noodle would | 51+ Nature will not be evicted, as you, with old Horace, will find, shirk. [sin, : i nd ri te And the young human creature untaught is a shame and a promise of | $24 Nature has given the urchin a body as well es a mind! Leap. a ot ‘tie rege pe by —— a a hn py Stuff C half-starving “ nipper” with isms and ologies oer ne Whie ’ omen f a : ime. |. cnap! ; y force fe 5 wees lgnees ape the hints the repr’ > aes atime ’ | Empty stomachs mean heads non-receptive, and cramming the latter Who babble and fight at the portal whilst i seats ooh without, — erucity! Yes, and oon > oy pad . — % do. that is Kept pat, Sopee the threshold thrice blest of the Temple where none | ” My ae aN Seay fnot stand that should dispute brute. |» 5.” : , , ad. ae Agee ~ The Te ee . : ublic conscience is callous sometimes ; but it’s stirred, and it will a yes ae! Saoemenee Snans, Se epetee Go pue fom — The vision of Briiy and Betsy, bedraggled, and shoeless, and worn, In as angry a chorus of hate as the dogmatists’ furious fry Y | Without bite or sup in their stomachs, dragged in on a cold winter's ’ % Or the credulous bigots of Ephesus. Silence the wranglers all round, | ,, morn hte , Lprecious three R.’s, The niggards who fume at the penny, the zealots who squander the From the streets, and all chance of ‘‘ a job,” to grind hours at those , ave - se Rises black a sight, and it jars, my dear Bigwigs, it jars. / pound ! res. + ; ’ , ) i And look to it likewise in time, oh ye busy Bigwigs of the Board, | !f tis Cramming r. “*Clemming,” my masters, then Cramming wi = So hungry, ubiquitous Jobber, whose eye is on everyone's But Punch does not put it to-day 95 pen Sane ad mg D S aueenine @ : ; | Only two things have got to be recone —how is a question for you,— Dip ot rine ager tn dnp in he pare hat re ba | fa ey ma ay Techng by Hera wd dust [time | ; - In a manner the idlest must mark. It were well to take warning in| Murs. Ram, speaking of Maréchal MacManon, informed her Niece By & fate of another big Board which has sunk in the Laidly One’s | that he was born an [rishman, but was subsequently neutralised as allme. | a Frenchman.

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OF CRAVINS THE ! RELIEVE TO MMING” ‘ 7 \y ~ CLE SOMETHIN’ TE MUST GET TO WORK AGAIN!” Vi SIR, —-MAYN’T W | menor M\| " sa | ‘ } HAVE * 4 RSUS RSS SS S > ’ 4 Q Ay ~\ 1 I ||| Sx \ . / HHI) | fj — SSS SS aii” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemser 1, 1888. ‘| PLEASE, CRAMMIN¢ SCHOLAR, Boarp-Scnoor Masrer. ‘NOW THEN, BOYS, ADVANCED "UNGER FUST?”

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Page 353

CHARIVARI,

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ee PEe, * Bosu! Sturr 0’ Nonsense!” &c., &c.

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‘A mISTAKE,’ ‘Very sorRY,’ ‘Hounds RUNNING!’

LESSONS IN JUSTICE. (IN TWO TONGUES. ) The French Method, reported in a Paris Paper. hirteenth Day. Tae Prisoner was admitted. He was self-possessed, grand mysterious. He glanced roundfhim with an air of disdain, an jeeringly bowed to the President who re ed him with hatred. Then the President put ques- tions to him. The President. You are a thief, a scoundrel, an assassin! You know you committed the crime of which you are accused, Close of the You are a villain! The Prisoner. And you — polite. [ General assent. The President (with indigna- tion). I will not have you say so! I tell you that I know you entered the room with the pistol. ; I know that you fired at the deceased. You know you did! Tell me, did you not kill the deceased ? The Prisoner. Why should I tell you? Is not your head of wood, M’sieu le Président ? General laughter. The President (with anger). You shall pay dearly for this! You have insulted me—you have insulted the son of my mother—and insulting her son, you have also insulted my mother ! ; [A deep murmur. Ma Prisoner (shuddering). Oh, no! I deny it! I am not so se |

The President. But I tell you you are! I tell you that there is red more wicked man in the wool than yourself! You are a pol- oon ! Z { Murmurs, The Prisoner, And you call the father of my innocent child a poltroon? It is an outrage! [ General assent.

The President. Your appeal to your innocent babe will avail you nothing. Your innocent babe would be better without such a father! (General shuddering.) Yes, I mean what I say—you are a craven ! The Prisoner. This is too much! I am no craven! I love my os a4 as a mother loves lier son. { General assent, M. le Président. You insult France when you call yourself her son! You insult the Republic. { Loud murmurs. The Prisoner. It is not for youto judge! I know you, M’sieur le Président. Forty years ago you were in the service of the King! M. le Président (with a ery). You shall be gagged if you utter such calumnies! You are a knave, a vagabond, a cut-throat! And now it is for the Jury to decide. Have you anything to say in your defence ? The Prisoner (to the Jury). I have nothing to say, save that I brand this man as atraitor! As for me I ask for liberty in the name of my infant—in the name of my child! I confess 1 am no saint, and if I have murdered, why in the name of my innocent babe I be of you tostretch out your hands to me and save me from the scaffold, I wish to return to the world to watch by the side of a cradle ! The Jury, who were deeply affected, then retired, and, after two hours’ absence, returned a verdict of Guilty. The English Method, reported in a London Paper. End of the First Day. The Prisoner, who was ably represented by Counsel, appeared to be deeply sensible of his position. He kept his eyes on the Jury during the brief summing up. His Lordship said that he trusted the Jury would give the benefit of any doubt they might feel in the Prisoner’s favour. In so serious a case they must not convict unless they were convinced of his guilt. The facts had been carefully laid before them, and he would not say a word to bias them either one way or the other. He entreated them to remember that the life of a fellow creature was at stake, and to let that recollection make them desirous to record only what was proper and just. The J ay then retired, and, after five minutes’ absence, returned a verdict of Guilty.

‘*Tue Great Unparp.”—Mr, E, Hargreton’s Fine—at present,

November 23.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —_——___ [Decemper 1, 1888, SWEETS TO THE SWEET. Dear Master Ponca, Agevetng to the note of the Oof bird, I planked down my ten toes in |the Stalls, and was placed in the |Strand Theatre last week as ever |was. I found them all there, and was knocked by most of them. You bet they hit them! Those Sports. | men who expected to have some fun | for their shiners must have mad: | the welkin ring with their cries cf | anguish! There were some hoary. | | headed old chesnuts in the dialogue, | land as for the music, it made me | rush away in search of a loosen and | a soda divided! You brown to what | I mean? The jokes were of ancient date, and when some mummers ap- eared as Johnnies of the Jockey | ‘lub, the bet was declared 0.U.G.H. | It was a near touch that those | who weighed in were not buried ‘neath the pavement outside the | Roman ! Yours, who has laid an even thick | ‘un that it won’t run, A Critic un Prvx Specractes, P.8.—Pardon the above. I have seen Atalanta, the new piece at the Strand Theatre, and witness the | result! I have not the least notion | what I mean by the above slangy cri- = >= | ticism, but then I could not make out - | what on earth Mr. Hawrrey meant by his equally slangy burlesque ! “A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE IS A DANGEROUS THING.” —— | ‘‘AND WHAT'S THE LITTLE Daritne’s Name?” ** W eELL—yov skE HE'’s ovk Eicuta CHILD—so WE'VE HAD HIM CHRISTENED ‘Octopus’ !’ ‘ Summary.—In the “* shooting-at- | Times- Witness case,” therevolver and | the prisoner were both discharged. | FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE. As Ir 1s.—The Emperor of Germany yesterday distributed certifi- cates of honour to the students in the Berlin Theological Seminary, appearing in the full uniform of a Pomeranian Grenadier. His Majesty expre the pleasure it would have given him if he had n addressing soldiers instead of mere civilian nincompoops (té/pels), and rattled his sabre several times in a threatening manner. This is considered decidedly ominous in well-informed circles. From Vienna it is announced that the Russian Government has, in the last few days, écheloned half a million of men along the Gali- cian frontier. The official St. Petersburg Gazette explains the occurrence by saying that, ‘‘ at this convenient season of the year, the troops are always moved about for change of air and scenery.”’ This explanation ins caused a serious fall in securities on the Viennese and Berlin Bourses. The latest “‘ Frontier Incident” is reported from Belfort. It ey that a French peasant proprietor, while pruning a hedge, ipped into a ditch, which forms the dividing line at that point | between German body and scal bourhood. and France. He was at once shot through the by a regiment of Uhlans concealed in the neigh- On the same day a German balloonist made an ascent from Strasburg, and came down in his parachute on French territory. | He has been heavily manacled, and sent to Paris for shipment to New Caledonia. Franco-German relations have become in conse- quence somewhat strained. As Ir Mient Be.—All the European States having agreed to a partial disarmament, every kind of security has gone up at least 100 per cent., and national rejoicings are taking place in all the European Capitals. Herr Krupp is reported to be suffering from deep depression. jermany having now made up her quarrel with France by “splitting the difference ”’—keeping Alsace and giving back Lorraine —French and Germans are fraternising all along the frontier. The favourite air in the Paris Music Halls is now ‘Die Wacht am Rhein,” while the Emperor Wiiuiam has given orders for the ** Marseillaise” to be played twice a day “‘ Unter den Linden” by the Band of the Imperial Guards’ Regiment. In accordance with the general spirit of international magnanimity now prevailing, the Sutraw or Turkey has consented to remove himself into Asia Minor. and leave Constantinople to be dealt with by a Conference of the European Powers. There being no further use for most of the soldiers now enrolled in the various European Armies, it is expected that an international | expedition of one hundred thousand men will shortly be landed in | Africa, which will take Khartoum, smash up the Mahdists, find Sranuey, abolish the Slave Trade, and open up the Continent to | civilisation and commerce. R= | ORAM DE LA CRAM. Dear Mr. Ponca, THERE is a great deal of truth in the position taken up by the opponents of the Competitive Examination system. No one who has ever mixed up his answers and cribbed from a friendly neighbour who was answering Paper B, while he, the cribber, was confronted with the problems of Paper A, can entertain a doubt as to the elemental fully of settling a young man’s prospects by his statements about subjects on which he is but superficially informed. I have suffered myself, but thanks to a pleasing exterior, a diplomatic wife who is very well connected, a large house, and exorbitant charges, | am the proprietor of a crammery which is viewed, and justly, as the very cram de la cram of the md Bet ng Facts, Sir, are stubborn things, and if there be one quality less desirable than another in the young, it is surely stubbornness ; and how aconstant familiarity with stubborn things can fail to produce deplerable results on plastic minds, I contes, .hat I am quite unable to understand. My plan is to temper facts with fancy. Even Greek accidence lends itsclt to this humane and philosophical plan. Thus. Among a number of the deadliest kind of Greek and Latin adjectives I insert Panjandrum to be declined. The boy with imagination— the future journalist or financier—at once drops to it, thus:— Pas-jas-der : pasa-jasa-dra: pan-jan-drum, whereby we get Greek and Latin at one fell swoop, and invest Mongolian metaphysics with | a halo of accidence. Again, in our last history paper, I lightened the horrors of the feudal system and the genealogies of our early Sovereigns by asking, Why was the Curfew Law like a Calendar? No less than seven boys supplied the right answer: ‘‘ Because it was 4 Norman Ac’.” This, Sir, speaks for itself. Yours faithfully, MARKHAM PRIMMER. P.S.—I enclose a Prospectus. A reduction if you take a quantity. ‘“T apvise you, my dear, to take up Music as a study,” said Mrs. Ra» to her Niece, ‘‘ and I am told that one of the best books on the subject is Ranxe’s History of the Pops.”

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— 1888, | ———— | EET, Decemper 1, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL the Oof toes in | in the aS ever re, and + You Sports. | me fun | J made | ries Ct | hoary. alogue, | © me en and | © what | ancient | rs ap- | Jockey | J.G.H, | those | buried le the 1 thick hes Mise ‘4 A) NM iW \ \ ta i LES, | have at the s the notion ry cn- ke out | —= ~ Y top) Yt i aa ye 2 i >) House of Commons, Monday, Nov. 19.—Spectacle of Grorcr| all about it afterwards. Telegram from Tr Hearty at Dublin. Curzon, fresh home from Central Asia, accusing GLapstone of Been en aged in Dublin Exchequer Division, before Lory Carer “immorality,” calculated to create emotion. But it passed off very | Baron, Baron Dowser, and Chief Justice ANDREWS. Anges for quietly. GLADsToNE not there to hear indictment. Harcourt, JonN | writ of Habeas Corpus in case of JEREMIAH SHEEHAN, .P., at Morzry, and one or two others among the faithful, on Front Bench ; | present confined in Tralee Gaol. Crime alleged against Hon. Member but, as Orp Morariry says, “‘ It’s surprising with what equanimity , was that he had shouted, ‘‘ Boo for Batrour!” Court decided that we can hear others accused of iniquity.” |in such circumstances SHEEHAN very properly in gaol, and refused The flatness of this — incident typical of night’s pro- | to release him. ' . 3 ceedings. Seemed in advance that it would be quite otherwise.| ‘‘ What do you think of it?” said G. O. M., nervously reading Government brought in new Land Purchase Bill. GLapsTowE long _ over telegram for fifth time. P . ago gave notice that, if they did, he’d make it hot for ’em. To- ‘* Well,” said Harcourt, stroking the place where his beard ht night came down to move crushing Amendment. Urgent Whips to grow, ‘‘ the bearing of the observation lies in the application of it. cut; H filled; excitement growing. Just before business In the eyes of the law geographical do not exist. is one man’s meat is not necessarily reached, telegram passed along Front Opposition Bench evidentl created profound sensation. GLapsTone read it ; hurriedly consul Haxcovrt and Caries Russet. Plainly a legal point. Learned boo for Baxrovr, and go to prison in Ireland, Ba.rour at Westminster, and go scot free? The thinks not.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 264

_ [Decemper 1, 1888,

Remove the prisoner—I mean—I beg your pardon; but you’d better be careful.” Harcourt, so convincing, rather frightened G. O.M. ‘“‘ Took all the starch out of his collar,” as Ropert Janpove said, resting his chin firmly on the buttress of hisown. Quite mild in his references to Cuter SECRETARY; example infectious ; no booing for BaLrovr on any Bench ; consequently a distinctly dull night. Business done.—Land Purchase Bill brought in. Tuesday.—In Up House, Lord High rises to explain. Wings down lengthy e istle, which he reads very badly. Seems that he has appointed only two blood relations to fat places. One of them, he mentions (as if the result was unusual and unexpected), had proved himself fully qualified for the office. The second, already possessed of a benefice, he had transferred to another benefice, slightly better in point of emolument, and with the advantage of more genial climate. ** And how does the climate suit him?” asked CLANRICARDE, gracefully bending his benevolent head. Lord High took no notice; went on reading; gave many interesting par- ticulars about administration of Chancery Division, Clerks in Central Offices, an elsewhere. Noble Lords strained their attention to hear when he was coming to the point dealing with specific charges levied against himself in other House. But had so much to say about reductions of redundant Clerks and other matters, couldn’t find time to deal with these. Triumphantly wound up with declaration that though salaries amounted to pretty tidy sum, they did not come out of pocket of tax-payer, but out of purse of unfortunate suitors. Lord High sat down, astonished at his own moderation. The Markiss listened, but said never a word. GRaNnvILiE, feeling necessity of breaking awkward silence on Front Bench, observed that as no notice of intention to deal with the subject had been given, it was not necessary for him to say anything. ‘* He was awfully severe on you,” I said toGranpotrn. ‘Positively ‘declined to repeat the gross » used.’ ” “That's very well; but he might have answered the specific charge I brought against him.” The Commons florging away at already dead horse of Land Pur- chase Bill. Members brought up to vote, wouldn’t remain to listen. Epwarp Grey, chip of old block, made capital speech at outset, and later on, at eve of Division, when MorLEy followed Haxtine- ron, benches filled up; cheers and counter- cheers rung through the Chamber. But no reality in fight; everyone grateful when it was over. “Might arran these matters much more cleverly,” said Heapert Canes, Sages in after dinner. ‘* Let us have the Division first, and the Debate after. Great convenience to fellows with important engagements. Wouldn’t at all interfere with delights of those who hanker after sper ch-making.” Business Done. — GLADSTONE’S Amendment to Land Purchase Bill negatived by 330 against 246, Thursday. —‘‘I’m not aware,” said the Sacre, “‘ that we have in the National Portrait Gallery or elsewhere any engraving, photo- graph, chromo-lithograph, or other — of Bavak the son uf Zipror. An Irish Landlord. Sut, looking now upon the counten realise something of the expression on the face of the King of the Moabites as he listened to the address of BaLaam upon a memorable occasion.” Ovp Mora.rry certainly in sore plight. Second Reading of Land Purchase Bill moved ; Parrett delivered weighty against it ; Granpo.ru followed, and as he rose expression of pleased content dis- persed itself over Ministerial ranks. yon Sat y Granpotru had spoken most graciously of the Government. Speech then anxiously looked for, as situation critical, and opportunity for smiting his old friends tempting. But Grawpotrm had come nobly out of the fire. Having so recently assumed attitude of friendli , would now suvely go a step further, pulverise Panwett, and demolish Giap-

ance of Ovp Morauiry, I fancy we | —<——— stone. Orp Moratrry, sitting just under his young friend, folded his arms, leaned back his head in listening attitude, prepared ty enjoy himself. GRaNDOLPH couldn’t resist this final temptation. Had certainly come down determined to vote for the Bill; was probably also pre. pared to support it. But looking round op expectant fines of Ministerialists, on the Opposition already on guard against his onslaught, and, above all, on the broad. placid, pleased face below him, good resolu- tions melted. Instead of supporting Bill, and confounding Opposition, he riddled th. measure with bolts of irony and scorn, reserving his most highly poisoned shaft to accompany declaration that still he would vote for Second Reading. “It’s such a little Bill,” he pleaded. ‘*‘cannot do much harm; and so very bad, that no Government, not even this one, dare venture to introduce another anything like it.” **Tosy,” said Otp MORALITY, in a husky voice, as I helped Goscnen to lead him out into the fresh air, ‘‘an you love me, get GRANDOLPH never to support us any more,” ** Never mind,” said Joxem, ‘‘ it’s Gravy- pOLPH’s turn now. But ours will come. He’ll find his speech to-night an uncom- os y difficult one to answer on some future ay. This was the tragedy; roaring farce to follow. Just before fall of curtain, Motion made from Treasury Bench to withdraw Bill establishing Minister of Agriculture. Cuap- Shocked at Grandolph. tn solemnly rose from corner seat below Gangway, looking unutterably solemn. Rapturous cheers from malicious Opposition. (CHAPLIN, it was understood, was to be first Minister under the Act. GranpoLpH—that “imp of Parliamentary mischief,” as Datrymp.x calls him—learning this, put down Motion to move rejection of Bil. This made it impossible to carry it this Session. Oxp Moratity privately promised to say something soothing to Capi if he gave him opening. CHAPLIN now up, with his part in arranged conversation ready. Otp Moratity waiting his cue. But the House would do nothing but laugh and ironically cheer. What should have been dignified scene becomes screaming farce. Business done.—Land Purchase Bill read Second Time. Friday Night. — Sexton incidentally mentions that Melancholy and Coercion Bill have just marked seven Irish Mem- bers as their own. Wants to know whether blow may not be averted till after Prorogation, so that we may have the pleasure and advantage of their company in Committee. Op Mora tity, always anxious to oblige, undertakes to see what can be done. Members, has- tening to Reading-room, eagerly scan names of the seven. Several disap- pointments, but at least Tanner is among them. ; “Yes, that’s all very well,” said Saunperson. ‘* But you see how they bungle it in Batrour’s absence. Why couldn’t they wait till the beginning of the Session? A foolish waste of opper- tunity to put TANNER in prison during the recess.”’ Business done.— In Committee on the Land Purchase Bill. A Bad Sixpence.

“Hicher Edueation indeed! It’s’ the Lower Education, as |recommended by King Sotomoy, that is neglected nowadays, says Dr. Bracu, of Swisherton Academy. Tue New Maidstone Bicyclist Clab is going to call itself (when it comes into existence) ‘‘ The Wheel’d of Kent.” Aw eminent Vet thinks he has discovered a treatment for horses that ‘make a noise” when they go out of a trot. He ought to do “a roaring trade.”

tp KOTL-x im mo case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped there will be no exception. Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will aid Addressed kuvelope, Cover, or Wrapper. ‘iu this rule

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Oe a 1888, —— » folded ared to *rtainly lso pre- yund on on the ast his broad, resoly- g Bill, led the scorn, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Dxocemssn 1, 1888. STEAD OF A QUILL. TCHMAN NSCAMEROM NeURCH = Zac FLYING SCOTCHMAN - PEN. af FASTEST, FREEST, PEN WE EVER 347 Newspapers recommend M. & C.’s Pens. 6d. and ls. per Box. s0LD BY ALL STATIONERS, CNIVEN & CAMERON, averley Works, Edinburgh. L shaft would | eaded ree to Motion w Bill CHap- below from e first entary Motion ade it OL 0 say if he W up, sation $s cue, r but What comes Bill | , wo ys, ALLMAN‘S ist! Esioti.ahed 1825 To be had at Clubs, Hotels, and Restaurants, and in casks of all Wholesale Wine and Merchants throughout nited Kingdom and MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878. INAHA N’S “THE CREAM OLD IRISH BE, MILD, AND ce MEI Low, LL WHISKIES. , ee} AND nizom WHISKY. PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1866, GREAT TITCH FIELD STREET, LONDON, W. ARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. LD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, 16% 26a, the Gall; 50a. the Doz. Casa Ont. Comntaoe Vain. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., Hand 25, Hart St., Bloomsbury, W.C., LATE OF ALBANY &T., N.W. tats for India—CUTLER, PALMER, & C0. angle bottle, as a sample, will be sent post free wany address on receipt of P.O. for 4s. 8d. gies QUOD IMNIBI Ab — ee JOSEPH GILLOTT'S STEEL PENS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. A PERFECT WALKING STICK PERFECT ‘CIGAR CASE. In BAMBOO or HAZEL to: old 6 Cigars or 14 Cigarettes, 12s. In MALACCA, best Cones. to hold 6 Cigars or M Cigarettes, 17s. At all Stick and Fancy Shops, 18 Wholesale of L. M. DAV 2, GREAT ethoutaree ‘STREET, whom P.0.0., with 64. extra for carriage, may sent in case of difficulty im obtaining them else where. to be also gives ADVICE Pigask Mewrion MR. B. HARNESS fist" to health And the apr action of Curative Eleo tricity. Note ONLY rT DRESS, and write to-day, charge matters relating THE MATRIMONIAL H HERALD | AND nised mk, for te ligt ties the est amd most successful Matrimonial Agency in World. Price 34.; in «avelope, 444 —Address Editor, #0, Lambs Conduit Street, London, W.C. [)ECORATE The beauty of Staine of Stained Glass in every house can sha a. ed by using M‘Caw, Stevenson & ‘atent GLACIER WINDOW DECORATION. It can be applied to any window by any person without previous ¢x in the use of the article. Invaluable where there are windows with disagreeable Write for Ilustrated Pamphiet (s90 IDustrations) and Sees. & ‘ ripinal and only ree Introductions. Sample, post free, One om the Manufac- turers, M’CAW, STEVENSON “Ore, Linenball Works, Belfast; or @ PERRY “. Co, Wholesale Agents, Hol bora Viaduct, London. Ridge’s Food, COLT’s DOUBLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as supplied to H.M. War Department. COLT’S SINGLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as adopted vy the United Staices Government. takes the Colt and COLT’S “ FRONTIER” Winchester Mag» zine Kifle Cartri COLT’S HOUSE REVOLVER, POCKE1 , EVOLVER, and DERRINGER, for the Vest pocket ; by ym *, “cal Coit’s Nevolvers are used all over the w gt GUNS and , Soe for india and only COLTS DOUBLE. BARRELLE LIGHTNING MAGAZINE the Gleaies. Price List free COLT’S FIREARMS Co... Pall Mall, London,S.W. CHUBB’S SAFES WILL PREVENT JEWEL ROBBERIES Paice Liers sunt Pare, 128, QUEEN VICTORIA STREET, E.C.; 66, ST. JAMES’S STREET, Pall Mall, London. HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH. | * 1 a & temperature of Baths founded at path by Bg Komans in the First Century. The waters are well known as being valuable in cases of Rheumstion, Gout, Skin Affections. The Corporation of Kath have recently enla’' ged and perfected the Baths at creat expense. In the wores of one of tne greatest Hrgienle Physicians, Tux Bctus sae THE MOST COMPLETE In Evrors. Mand Ds “Ly in the Pump-Koom. Letters to the Manager wil receive attention and every information M. & B. PEACOCK’S ROYAL CHARTER TOBACCO. FOLD IN PACKETS ONLY FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. SQUIRE'S EMICAL;: your HOMES! FOOD. A PHOSPHATIC FOOD. Is Bottles, 2s., 3s. 64., and 6s. each of Chemists, Ur by Parcel Post free direct from SQUIRE & SONS, Hea Maseort's Caemiorts, OXFORD STREET, IASON. REGISTERED. 413, PRICE, IN LEATHER CASE §P OCK’S BLACK HANOLE _ 5/- 1VORY Do. 7/6 REAL GERMAN HOLLOW GROUND. From ALL DEALERS OR DIRECT FROM ENGLISH DEPOT. | 1388 DIGBETH, BIRMINGHAM COLORS ExXQuUIS : SURFACE LIKE PORCELAIN. ame ANHYDROUS WATERPROOF LEATHER. Ladies and Gentiemen should order their maker to wee this Leather only, in 8, na repairing their Boots, ('t is use) in the celebrated Waterproof‘ K ” ," and City “ K Boots Trade apply,—* K” Manufecturers, Kenda! INVIGORATING LAVENDER SALTS. THE POPULAR NEW SMELLING SALTS OF THE CROWN PERFUMERY CoO., 177, New Bond St. Sold everywhere. PRIVATE P. PROPERTY f every Seid, Bought, or Exchanged and ription can be by parvert +4 without pees pat J very little trouble, through CHANGE AND 2, which an be procared et a Books: - v and Newsagents, at td.; oF qpocinen copy wilh be sent post free for eye slam ps : 170, @trand, London TORPID LIVER CARTERS) « POSITIVELY CURBED BY THESE LITILS They aiso relieve Die- preven © and Piles. The smallest Poast thelr and easiest to take, Svean Coster. Veourasie, 40 not gripe or purge, but b entie action mane all who use them. Esta Standard Pill of the United States, wy pat at ls lid sold ty all Chemicts, or sent SMALL TILL, SMALL DOSE, SMALL PRICE. Hustiated Pamphiet free. British Depot, 46, Holborn Viaduct. London, ¥.¢ GoKnen BRONZE | HAIR.— be jovery nuance “ Chatais aa ba te Haw of any colour ay =e ARNE rol cme 4 W. WINTER, 673, ,O0xtora Bt., London, rice 64. 66., We, O4.,218 Bor ning rey of ded air MKLN & is invaiuabdie. J. EXSHAW & 60'S be ye OLD BRAND TW Sestcaen BOs ws, be ek Street, W “WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY.” Of all Dealers. Heware of imitations. Manufactured by T. GRANT & #058, MAID#STONE TT COAL’ TAR SOAP

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemoper 1, 1888. H. J. NICOLL & CO. dent OUTFITTERS. : BRANCHES: L 114, 116, 118, 120, REGENT STREET, W.; | MANCHESTER—10, Mosuey STREET; 22, CORNHILL, E.Cc, LIVERPOOL—S0, Botp STREET; PARIS: 29 anv 31, RUE TRONCHET. BIRMINGHAM—39, New Street, NOVELTIES FOR WINTER WEAR. GENTLEMEN. LADIES. Spécialité Fur-Lined Overcoats from £8 18s. 6d. Costumes, Jackets, and Ulsters in the latest materials and de Suitings, Coatings, and Overcoatings in the best materials, and in Cloaks and Wraps, from £2 i2s. 6d., in many varieties, seq the latest patterns. adapted for Driving and Travelling wear. Overcoats of every description, and for all climates, always in Spécialité Riding Habits, for Hunting and Park wear, with stock, NICOLL's Patent Skirt and Foot-Strap. Servants’ Liveries, from the best materials, for moderate prices, PATTERNS OF MATERIALS AND MEASUREMENT FORMS FORWARDED ON APPLICATION. MADE WITH BOILING WATER. THE “PREMIER” | DON’T READ THI: E p p Ss ; S RAZOR STROPPING MACHINE | DON a SI | e of our Pecile telf- Instructors nm ratis with every instrument. Price Lists CRATEFUL—COMFORTING., Post ree. Violin outfits (complete lage 64., 2is., We. MADE WITH BOILING MILK. STATE 3s. Banjos, 9. 6d., ils. 34.. 230., 300, Guitars, 7s. 34. $s. 64. Mandolines, 25s. Zithers, 10s. 64., ibs. 64., the. Flutes, 69. 6d., 7s, 64., 208. Dulcimers, 6s., 8s. For Diseasrseft | Rapist Sc tuset Paresin conyacd | GRANDE-GRILLE, "airs, . | Tur “a... ~~. CELESTINS, Kheumatiom, (A Department), 1, Moorgate Street, London. 4 OPI TAL, Fer 8 " “FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. HAUTERIVE. An excellent Tisu¥ = =m _—- n conseg GRAM & BOYLE, 52, Farringdon Strwt, J ; : LEA & PERRINS’ 8A UCR, a AND OF ALL Cun “Tested in every way, on razors keen and razors which are calculated to deceive the Publie, ., CHEMISTS Bvery Machine Guaranteed. Diant, the machine is ee There is no | Les & Pennine beg to draw attention to the fact that WORLD-FAMED trouble, science, or skill involved in its use You each bottle of the Original and Genuine merely Gx your razor in the holder, edge down- eae, on = Randle dowty Gre Ge esomnts, and, | worRc ESTERSHIRE SAUCE benoid weapon is as keen— -letussay,ase | bears their signatu ~« razor should sev—-Bawnses ov Teermonia:. | Cee 4. ,.. Winchester House, Uld Broad ls warranted to cleanse the blood fromail impurities, | Street, London, E.C. * from waarevese couse arising. For Serofuia, a a Kezema, Skin and Micod Diseases, and sores of . t91¥ YeWd kinds, ite effects are marvellous. It is the only real HOOP U —ROCHE § specific for Gout and Rheumatic Pains, tor it re- HEEBAL ceieorated © eves the caves from the bioed and bones. In fiectua: cure without medicine. Sole | *,* Sold Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester; thes, 2s. O¢. and Ile. each. of all Chemista. Pro- | Wholesale Agents, W. Eowasnze & Gon, 167 Queen Crosses & Bisckwett, London; and Export Oilmen prietors, Lincein and Midiand Counties Drag Oo., | Victoria Street (formerly of @, 6t. Paul's Cnuren- | generally yemeina, lincoln. Bewaas of Woarn tess lurrarions. yard). Sold by most Chemists. Price 4s. per bottie. | Retail by Dealers in Sauces throughout the W orld. y ane ~ whe Save from 25 to 40 per cent. by purchasing direct from the Darlington Loom EXQUISITE DRESS ALL IN THE LATEST FASHION DIRECT from the DARLINGTON MILLS at MILL PRICE NEW WINTER COODS FOR LADIES’, CHILDRENS’, AND CENTLEMEN’S DRESS, STRAICHT FROM THE WEAVER TO THE WEARER. For draping in graceful folds nothing can compare l oO 0 0 with fine cloth and cashmere, of which we have some choice PATTE Ri examples, foremost amongst which are the *‘ Darlington Gold Medal Cashmere” and POST FREE PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. the ‘‘ Rangoon Cassimer,”— on approval to « Vide Grapuic. address. Dress Fabrics ———~ CROSS-WARP SERGES, GOLD MEDAL MERINOES, and CASHMERE ————=. All exquisite Fabrics, renowned for their stylish appearance, thorough money value, and hard-wearing qualities, COSTUME CLOTHS, NEW SKIRTINGS, WINTER HOSIERY AND UNDE CLOTHING; TOILET AND BED-QUILTS IN GREAT VARIETY. The Latest Novelty, the 6 AMAZON COSTUME Specially Dyed and Fini DARLINGTON ROYAL VICTORIA CLOTH, for WavrEr Costox™ m) These Splendid Goods are sold Direct to the Public without the intervention of ' Merchants, Agents, Drapers, or Middlemen, all intermediate profits being given to the Pure Axy LENGTH 1s CUT, NO MATTER HOW SHORT, AND ANY ARTICLE NOT WILL BE CHANGED WITHIN SEVEN Days. ? All Parcels Delivered Carriage Paid to any Railway Station in the United and all orders are executed the same day as HY. PEASE & CO.’S SUCCESSORS (.iiitriorettis), THE MILLS, D Pratt Oy Wii, wines eek NA RiLamns Rte Baer yt a Pee oot Mery tuagion nthe County of Muasiees. oe, Printing Oo of Mewes Bradbury. Agee, # i mn =

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1Y or Diseases of Biliary Or, ineys, Grave ism, Dindeva, Complaints lent Taste V, gon Stren, EMISTS =

a = a > a fe) w Zi) a J o ») a

On Thursday the 6th, at all the Bookstalls 5 PURGH ALMANAC and at the Newsagents’ in every Town. 1889 Price 3d.

VOLUME NINETY-FIFTH. —_—e— DECEMBER 8, N° 2474.

eee ee S008 ae —— < ee are ak i _ w’ea" aa thgbremgnen iM } ,

PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, © AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.

With 150 Illustrations, elegantly bound. 8s. 6d. BIRTHDAY BOOK.

‘HAPPY THOUGHTS’

AS From Mr. PUNCH’s Gallery. Price 5s. quarto. M.P.’S IN SESSION. By HARRY FURNISS. (Brapsury, Sour, & Co. Bonrerte we, ac

‘SON3Sd S3SYHL 30INd

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL —Decemser 8, 1888. M2. RIDES BAGGALD'S MEW NOVEL. Now ready, at all Li ie g 3 vob... crown bro, The COLONEL QUARITCH, v.C. A Tale of Country Life. By WH. RIDER HAGGARD, GREEN a2 © \ MANS " oth gilt, 3 vole, ustrated with Pre mn tiepieees and Vignettes FARRAR'S SCHOOL TALES. ERIC; or, Little by Little. JULIAN HOME: a Tale of College Life. Thirteenth Edition. Price 5 ST. WINIFRED'S; or, The Werld of School. Sixteenth Edition. Price urgh: ADAM U ann ¢ HARLES BLACK ACK BLACKWOOD § MACAZINE. Mo. 878.——DECEMBEB 1888. 2s. 64. OowTsr Te. LADY BABY. Omare. L—TIl MY RIDE TO SHESHOUAN By Wacree B. Hasam GRESSET AN VERT-VEKT By R E Paotnu te IRIQH NOUSEKEEPING AND IRISH CUS TOMS IN THE LAST CENTURY. By ¢ ( son Fb - A ®TITr? NECKED GENERATION Cmare XXXIV XXiV CHARLES KIRKPATRICK SHARPE THE BIRD OF APOLLO TWENTY YEARS MOVEMPNTS IN AGRI ULTURI THER OLD BALOON Lars of Viscouw? Saat roorn De He re Coneacsrospencs oF Dantet. O'Comwacte.—Tanee Geneeations oF i» ou WOMEN 7 THE EMPRESS FREDERIK On ber arriving in England, 19th November, 16%. By Sra Teecpoer Miatix, CB THE LESsONs OF THE RECESS. WILLIAM BLACKWOOD samp SONS Fdinburgh and London HUMANE TELEPHONE— A People who suffer from deafness and noises in the head will be glad te hear thet an eminent Aural Specialist of London has hit upon a cure which is aaid to be absolutely efficacious, and may be applied atthe patient's home it is a miniature Telephone, CONCENTRATED Gold Medal, 1884. PEPTONIZED "on™ SIS COCOA au MILK ALL OF WEAK DIGESTION. | WO DICESTION NEEDED, (PATENT). | MOST NUTRITIOUS. Tins, 1s. 6d. and 2s, Gd. each, obtainable everywhere. SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. | / MAPPIN & WEBB’S SWEET “SCENTS LIGN - ALOE. CENTS. \ FRANGIPANNI. —_ f ELECTRO PLATE May be obtained . “2, Of any Chemist or x » A ©» _ Perfumer. v— ond gtre®_ TO STOUT PEOPLE, Sowpay Times says :—* Mr. Russell's aim is to BRaDiICaTE, to cons the disease, and that his treat- ment is the true one seems beyond ali doubt. The medicine he preseribes beus wot LoWER, BUT BUILDS UP a¥D TONKS THE sveTEx.” Hook (116 pages) with recipe and notes how to pleasantly and rapidly Cure Onuerrt (average reduction im first week is % 1fs.), post free 8 stam ps Y. C. BUSSELL, Woburn House, Store Street, Bedford Square, Londos, W.C. NESTLES FOOD AN ENTIRE DIET FOR INFANTS. Supplies all the aupente n y for the complete nourishment da growth of the human frame. Nestle's s Food, pete partly composed of milk, is complete and entire in’i , and requires simply the addition of water to make it instantly read or use. It is not merely an auxiliary, like sther Infant's Foods, which uire milk to be added in preparing for use. It ig recemmmended by the hest Medical —_— rities as the nearest equivalent to MOTHER’S M Pamphiet, with Mester and x Testimonials, sent ponte m application to “A DAILY TREAT.” TOWER TEA. SOLD IN EVERY TOWN. Taaps Mans. othe: . NESTLE, 9, Sxow Hitt, Lowpox, E.C which Dts inside the ear. itis not only « proda of sound, but also a cure for the distressing noises in the head. Being com fortable to wear, it willno doubt be a boon to mankind ae describing ite construction is printed, and may be had ff the Publisher, 2!, Bedford Square, London, We. Pree THE MATRIMONIAL HERALD AND FAs. ABLE MARRIAGE GAZETTE is the criginai and only recognised medium for High-Class Introductions. The largest end most sucessful Matrimonial Agency in the World. Price a. envelope, 44 \ 7 Editor, @, Lamb's Atreet, London, “OUR NEIGHBOURS.” PARTRIDGE & COOPER, “THE " STATIONERS, 192, FLEET aid 4 ASSURANCE COMPANY Heap Orrices ROTHERS. | SAMUEL B “Been” Built. ‘WORTH et GIE., UNDER ROYAL PATRONAGE. CORSBTIBRES 134, NEW BOND STREET, W. ge LIFTS [sere ae DINNER and INVALID LIFTS. sewpe, | CLARK, BUNNETT &CO0., Lim., RATHBONE PL ACE, W. ‘ANHYDROUS WATERPROOF LEATHER. Ladies and Gentiemen should order their Boot- maker to use this Leather only, in making and repairing their Boots. (it is aseu in the celebrated aterproof **K,” and City “ oots.) Trade apply,—‘K” Manufacturers, Kendal. of the various epartments, . Price } iste. SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILCHS, OUTFITTERS, ae. 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Loypon, E.C. NOTICE. CH RISTMAS PRESENTS NEW YEAR’S’ GIFTS, OETZMANN & CO, 67 to 79, HAMPSTEAD ROAD Nean Torrexnam Covar Roan, Lo» Intending Purchasers are invit 4 to ins ORTZMANN & CO.'8 vast display of NEW AND ARTISTIC FURNITURE, CLOCKS, BRONZES, PAINTINGS, ETCHINGS, ENCRAVINCS, TEA, COFFEE, DINNER, Pa DESSERT SERVICES, ORNAMENTAL CHINA “an CLASS, ELECTRO-SILVER PLATE, TABLE CUTLERY, ORIENTAL CARPETS, RUGS, CURTAINS, dc, and a large variety of other "articles suitabie ——_ for Presents. Orders per Post receive prompt and carefu attention. ILLUSTRATED PARTICULARS POST FREE OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDOM THE NEW PERFUME. “WHITE CLOVER” “Scent of White Clover came over the lea.” WHITAKER & GROSSMITH, =, SILK STREET, CITY, LONDON 2s, $4. of all Vendors , Post Free direct, pat of Los pos Soar Co., 107, New Bond Stree PALMS for TABLE, CONSERVATORY, or HOTEL on ag eg -— Twelve beautiful hardy Palms with “ anes high, “tie. yg 3 ie Wood case free, id, with order. ny Pa ‘equally a Manager, Charing Cross Hotel. writes :- Our Palms give the greatest satisfacticn.” P. OWEN, The Paim Goreme, Stamford Hill, X Inspection invited VoaALLARD “ & BOWSER’S CELEBRATED BUTTER-SCOTCH. ‘REALLY WHOLESOME CONFECTIONERY.” Laneet. ‘GREAT IMPROVEMENT IN RAZORS. ARBENZ’S Celebrated MANDARIN RAZORS. With fully Warranted Interchangeatle Blads. » easiest, a aa high-class Razors known, and show the — advancement in the art of Razor- making tained. fired for “, tion) prove shaving with them to, be * comfortable,” “ Pleasant " “ A boon,” an ably easy,” “Luxurious,” and that they “ Gir satisfaction where, before, yan nen spent in trying to obtain a zor 4. 8d. for one ; 8s. the set otf; Lis. 6d. the set of 7 Extra Blades, ls. 8d.each. May te of . at above es; in London, of Messrs. Pssst Co., Lad olbgen Viaduct ; of of th or of the manufacturer A. . B, 401 © 30%, Gress Genuine GEM “4 GUNS. Kewane or Lurrarions, and insist & having those bearing my Trade Mark: ‘om piv ATE PROPERTY of every description can be Sold, Bought, or Bx xehenge by PRIVATE FERSONS, ‘without ‘rublicitr, sn th very li Ex “a ‘which can be be er st all Le copy a Newsagen from the Ofllee wi be sent pat fee “ 60LD MEDAL BRANDY

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tt ENTS TS, . C0, LOAD to inspect play of STIc ww INCS, S, DESSERT sLASS, CUTLERY, AINS, &&,, Suitabie nd careful ST FREE ee Foabold [nis Tent ta =A | Oo Fh DecemBer 8, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 265 | * - | ) ee a ; me ; PT y) Wh LOST ILLUSION. SELF, MAMMA, DEAR!”—‘‘ Not so Goop As I ovGHT To RE!” ‘Wuat, 1s Everrsopy wickED, MAMMA pEAR?”--“ Yes, Berrre.” | | WHO CHASED COCK WARREN? A Nursery Rhyme for the Times. Who chased Cock WARREN ? **T,”’ said the Home Sparrow, “With my views cramped and narrow, I chased Cock Warren!” And who'll fill his place ? ** Why, I,” said Monro, **1’m the right man, I know, And I'll fill his place.” And who’ll tie your bands ? **Oh, I!” said Routine, ‘“* That my business has been ; So, I'll tie his hands.” Yet, who'll see fair play ? ** Well, I,” said Jonn Butt ; ** For L’m not quite a fool. Come, I'll see fair play.” Aa (KK) TAR , hy Thy As iy {| Wil My, " PouiticaL Eyesicnt.—A contem- porary observes, with reference to the Noble Laureate, that :— “Lord Tennyson is not quite an octo- genarian, although he is on the verge of it, having been born in 1809, the year in which Mr. Guapstons first saw the light.’’ With regard to Home Rule, how- | ever, the venerable ex-Premier will probably acknowledge that he did not see the light until somewhere about the year 1886, ** ARE YOU WICKED YouR- ** AND—rag Potice’’” MRS. KEELEY INTERVIEWED. _Tar Babies were quite determined that the good fairy, Mrs. Keetey, and the lazy Laureate, Mr. Asusy-Sterry, should not have it all their own way, and when little folk become determined at the Hospital for Sick Children, in Great Ormond Street, their determination is something wonderful! The boys said they had no pretension to be poets, but, at — they felt equal to writing an Address; girls declared they never expected to be great Actresses, but they were quite sure on the present occasion, they knew how to act. hey heard how the good fairy, Mrs. 4 Kerrey, had recited for them at the recent ¥estival—they had been told how eloquently she had Geeted tec tm, and how she had drawn tears from the eyes of her audience, and, what was more, go) sovereigns from their pockets. One or two of them had been charmed with the clear tones of her voice; and had listened to the marvellous alternation of humour and pathos in her h, and had been almost frightened by the applause with which the good fairy was quutel Several had seen her going round the wards, chatting pleasantly with the Nurses, and having a ki word for cab of the little invalids. They had all of them Mrs. Kegtey would get the first _— at the Doll Show, for they, all of them, were quite sure she deserved it. She had done so much for their benefit, that they were anxious to do ing for hers, And so they asked the _— a) A apr pene Be K. = Hicxs, bi: was always sc bright and merry—always so it never so as to be unable to bestow a kind word on her little charges, and to give a ear to their smallest troubles. soon &: the whole thing for them, She told them the good fairy would short] attain the age of eighty-four, which is a mere trifle for a fairy, rom on her birthday they should have the cpessanity of showing her how sh large a space in their grateful little hearts. The day came, they set off on their pilgrimage to Brompton. Not all of Oh, dear no! Supposing one hundred and forty-four Wh ve interfered, and the Homz SecreTaRY would have been sore troubled, thinking there was a demonstration of Lilliputian Socialists. Besides many were too ill, some Srepaslatiel tok ten tee whee to hen Peed he en were selected, and these tiny mites, in c forth on the appointed day, in a beautiful i by real of a ~~ Nurse, set | carriage, wn driven by alive coachman. In the middle of the carriage | was a lovely and gigantic bouquet, which everyone tried to hold, and which once or twice fell down and nearly smothered two or three of the deputation. But O it was a fine time! The Council of Seven say they never will forget it as long as they live. Suddenly, as if by magic, the carriage stopped, and they were in the presence of the good fairy in her elegant fairy bower. e deputation could not find words to express its pleasure. So it was fortunate they had an address already written, which was presented along with the | bouquet. The address was a model of terseness which it would be well if proyincial Mayors and others would endeavour to imitate. It ran thus:—‘‘To Mrs. Keetey. With every good wish on her Birthday—from her grateful little friends in the * Hospital for Sick Children,’ Great Ormond Street.” Then followed the signatures, touching in their childish caligraphy, and the a Innocence of tiny fingers. Cheered by the sight of their good kind fairy, made happy with the pleasant words which fell from her lips, delighted with the sight of her magnificent Persian cat, with an Arabian Nights tail, who purred the warmest of welcomes, the baby-interviewers retired. And when the lights burned low that night in Great Ormond Street, when there was nothing to be heard but the faint wail of some tiny sufferer, the ost noiseless footfall and the sweet-toned whisper of some gentle watchful Nurse, one cannot help wondering what sunny dreams, what pleasant fancies, what a sense of supreme repose and restful gratitude to the good fairy haunted the slumbers of the Council of Seven! ‘** MADGY,” and original lever du rideau, recently performed at Edinburgh.) Maney Kewpat quite forgot her ordinary prudence In coming out so strong before the Edin ’ Students ; And afterwards she told the world the cause of her oration ; ’Twas not, as some might think of Manor, all her imadgynation. But twas as she in the D. 7’. explained the simple case, ** Some one had thrown a paper ball, and hurt the Double Bass.” Whoever did this thing was wrong, for, were he boy or man, ’Tis evident he ’d made a hit before the play began. Whether he hitithe instrument or player in the face, The silence of the thrower made his conduct doubly base. She should not publicly have shown—it argues want of nows— Displeasure at there being any ‘‘ paper” in the House. (4 propos of quite a neu Jew ve Mor.—L élite de la haute société Parisienne,— L’Jsra-élite, VOL. XCV, AA

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] peou op qo eTppra op a daesy puy j Pvo4s ap go aypprm ep ur daoy { poo. ap fo appr ep wu day ‘soud umifeul v 03 ysnul nox ‘aTm.i op 03 ous nod ji vasa Ue aq TI, nod gng ‘£ed 4,uop yWY}—‘uvUI-JeuI09 105 423 [Te 3,u0q ‘9081 Op ULA 0} JuBM NOA JT *Jooy, Go esodind ens op yeds03 o4mMb nod JT ‘£us] / pvos ap go nus ap ur daoy = ] peor op qo oyppru ep ut deey ‘suoquiew ‘uoq]—snwoy,) ‘]00j epjerp B 9q sna NOA J07 pynos AALSUOT pussy ‘Zunod sum prvo0g-looyog op NUH MA ™ «POON ep 90 o1pPL op us doey »— ay ; se OK eg HH} X = f- = ee eZ = SS “AAS Soaon, ~ atIPAELASEE, ~ No II [Decempgr 8, 1888. \ » | | \ eet eee CREEL NN eee eee eee Oe eo 4 ~~ ‘al: \\ \"| | Mle >% /) fill PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. C) es (‘GOpuoT JO JNO WIO;eg 4e4eN CUM) ‘STHULSNIN' GUVOG-IOOHDS AHL BOA ONIS

Page 363

Y you ai W win de race, ou must go a mejium pace, And keep in de middle ob de Sood ! 4i stick to de rule, ght if you » de road ! Keep in de middle « Hut you ll be all ri ¥ d! —S ewes

Decempsr 8, 1888.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

middle of de roa

. Keep in de

Now, if you by chance seem short of cas. Keep in de middle ob de road ! Don’t tax de people heavily, or soon you ll go to smash. Keep in de middle ob de road ! But, if dey hear you a-singing too 8 ’ Dey ’re sure to say you are gwine to And do not know your business, and are no at Keep in Don’t be too fast at cramming, you ’ll find that is no go, Keep in de middle ob de road ! But little chance you’ll stand if you make the pace too slow. Keep in de middle ob de road ! London will not care for a Board dat ’s all awry i Den show you are tolerant, as well as smart and pry : She ’ll chuck you, if to imitate the bad Old Ring you oi Keep in de middle ob de road ! Chorus. You corner-men, don’t kick up too much shindy left and right, Keep in de middle ob de road ! And, Mr. (Dieeiz) Jonnson, do not hold de reins too tight, Keep in de middle ob de road ! Or de trap may capsize, and de wheels be in de air. Don’t show sectarian temper, or tear agnostic hair, For you are not put dere ober trifles for to swear. Keep in de middle ob de road ! Chorus. Den, ype 1 keep in de middle ob e ! a will bless é rising race you go a steady , And keep in de middle Bb de road ! THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. Before Lord Commissioner Punch.) An Efficient Volunteer introduced. Commissioner. Well, Sir, what ean I do for yout leak Efficient lunteer — 4 Assist me to get a sati su stitute for Wimbledon. Com, Surely you are in good hands. ay ty the agp pee week there is a meeting of representatives of the National Rifle Association to consider what is best to be done. ~ Vol, Not the first by many, rd. Meetings are always being m held with the same object in view. Com. Do you suggest that these =e ty pepe? “ff. Vol. Certainly, as two parties are my one pee the other. om. How comes it there be such an unfortunate situation ? Ef. Vol. I su my , ‘use one party thi more of soldiering than five-o’clock tea and pienier, Com. Would that Wisthioien ‘wie teod Ee dliher ae Pr iff. Vol. I would. The Cottage fo asdepeed Necelp voor ent otis fvtind. “ Rachuaoe pa Rakin la eréme —v people | s , ‘* Exchange—no ry!” in their way, bu not Likely to pro- duce a Queen’s Medallist.

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Miss Margaret, *‘ Pray sit powx. 1'm so sonny MAMMA AND MY SIsTERS ARB OUT!” Shy Curate (who has called on Parish business), ““O, PRAY DON’T MENTION iT, ONE OF THE FAMILY IS QUITE EXOVGH !”

_ Com. And you think consideration for these distinguished persons keeps the question of a new site an open one ? Eff. Vol. I do. The people who used to come to Wimbledon to lou on the lawn and eat ices are not likely to be satistied if the new Shooting-ground is situated beyond striking distance of town. No doubt some of them might come to us on the tops of coaches, but only at considerable inconvenience. Com, Then what would you suggest ? < Eff. Vol. That the Volunteers, and the Volunteers only, should be considered, and Lady Dr Vere and Lord Mayrxin should be told that their place is preferable to theircompany. What we want is a place where business, and business only, must have a call upon our attention, Com, How would Aldershot do ” Eff. Vol. Admirably ; and here (producing a list) is a paper containing a number of qney excellent sites, What we want is to have the matter settled at once, without further shillyshallying. Com, I will see that your reasonable request meets with immediate compliance. __ , [The Witness thanked his Lordship, and retired.

A CLEAR STAGE AND NO FAVOUR. Last Friday Mr. BawpManwn appeared before Mr. Justice Stine in the Chancery Division, and undertook to continue his previous undertaking not to perform Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in the United Kingdom. If this example is followed, of what varied enjoyments the theatre-going public might be deprived, as for example,— r. Invive appeared before the Last of the Barons, and undertook not to make a speech about the Drama in any part of the United Kingdom. a : ; Mrs. KENDAL undertook not to come before the Curtain“and address the audience in any part of Great Britain and Ireland. : : Mr. Tooxe ap before the Lord Chief Justice, (who had never heard of the eminent Comedian, and asked who he was), and undertook not to tell Josern Harron any more stories, and never again ~ - in Ici on Parle Francais. ; Mr. W. F. HawtTRey promised never to appear again as a King in a classical burlesque. Mr. TrRriss undertook not to perform the character of a genuine British Sailor, in London or the Provinces, after the termination of his present en t. ; Pi. Mr. Forses Rosertson submitted to a perpetual injunction preventing him from ever playing in blank verse. ; ; Mr. CHAnr_xes CoLterre undertook not to perform in Comic Opera within the United Kingdom. | Miss Grace Hawrnorne has undertaken to cease from appearing in Matinées within the juris- diction of the Su e Court. , Mr. Witsonw Barnett appeared before everybody, and took a solemn pledge not to play again in any part of the United Kingdom.

Op Styte MopgRwisep.—The Exchange Club, as a name, sounds well. Motto over the umbrella Members will be bound to exchange salutations and com li- ments every day. If the grill is to be a feature, the name ‘ Exchange Club” is apparently only a new form of the old ‘‘ Chop-House.”’

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268 ——_____ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Decemazr 8, 1888,

Then a But the b ** Never tions, I is the or attained ” —which Street. himself. and last My fa which,

When a blinding So the tale is told !

A LIFE-BOAT STORY.—In Thre swept through the street— storm is the fishermen’s fleet ~ of a hand. Fide i-- e Acts. A pozen of hearts! and a dozen of hands! and the courage of death !—’tis a Yorkshire boast; It was all they asked, one”November noon, when a hurrieane blew on the Whitby coast ! ~ For a ery came over the wailing sands, and spread to the village, and There’ll be widows to-morrow and | fatherless bairns, for exposed to the There was not a minute to dream or to think: it was ‘“‘ Who’s for the Life-boat ?” and ‘‘ Who’s for the shore ’”’ Just a kissing of lips of the lasses they loved—just a sigh, and a cheer, & grasp of the oar— For the men out at sea were exposed to the storm ; but they were not forgotten by ‘‘ pals” on the land. Whilst there ’s life there is hope—whilst there ’s strength there’s a rope—the heart of a friend and the grasp Just picture the scene, O my brothers in town, with your etty annoyance and impotent strife ; In the midst of our city it’s Worship of Self! on the fishermen’s coast it is Resene! and Life ! Who’s for the Life-boat ? Strain your eyes, and deaden your ears from the shrieking wind ; The Answer’s there! on the crested waves, in the hearts of the women they ’ve left behind ; See! the cobbles are riding in dire distress! Will they reach the fleet? You may lay your life There isn’t a Yorkshire lad at the oar, who will bring dis- credit to mother or wife ; For nobody knows who’s at sea or on shore—just a wild : nqreies ion that nobody dies, sleet sweeps the sea and the sand, and darkens the scene from the wondering eyes. e silence falls <n the women who wait, and a rings out as they bend the knee morning breaks, and the storm is past ; and over the village reath, For they drag two bodies half-drowned to land,—and the rest ’—they are left in the raging sea! Lost! when the moment of rescue came, lost! within sound of their loved and land. So the night closed black on the Yorkshire coast, and a wail went over the lonely sand ! , and into the street The sun is shedding its wintry rays, on the scene where they fought for the fishermen’s fleet ; And the sea is calm, and the sand is still, where they manned the boat and they went to death. What ’s that ’—out there in the Steamer’s wake ! ere, give us your glass! Then they held their And a beam of light shot out of the sky, and a cheer roared out of the Yorkshire throats As they saw their Life-boat making Home with the rescued crews from the fishermen’s boats ! say die!’’ is the motto of men who fight to conquer and mean to win ; But it’s well worth living to earn the tears that wept them out and that cheered them in ! But there’s something more, that can never be done by praise or pen, We must think of the sea when the tempests roar; and give of our gold to the Life-boat Men! ———__ WALL-PAPER MONEY. Nor a bad idea, that of taxin certain kinds of mural posters, whi was lately started in the House of Commons, The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER was advised to turn his attention to pictorial mural atrocities —not, being pictures b Mvritto— —and 80 find a sible substitute in it. Tariff, which ought to find a place in any new edition of the old Stamp Act :— of extra large size—a sort of four- »oster — exhibited on any wall, ace ‘ ° ‘ - £6 00 Additional stamp required, if the design and evlouring fail to meet with the enthusiastic approbation of the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN, Professor Rvus- Kin, and the President of the Royal Academy . . . £10 0 0 For every Advertisement which, after careful examination by a Committee com of | “realistic” Novelists and Play- wrights, with the dssistance of a picked body of nervous invalids, is pronounced to be “‘ distinctly blood- eurdling.”’ J . . 2000 N.B.—Solitary confinement in a cell, the walls of which are papered with the posters, may, in the disere- tion of the Magistrate or Judge, be substituted for a pecuniary pl

*,* The National Life-Boat Institution is to be found in John Street, Adelphi. penalty.

OUR BOOKING-OFPFICE. For size, show, type, interesting matter, and admirable illustra- haven’t seen a better book this booky season than Mac- Ratton and Hues TuHomson. The letter- nothing Shandy-an about this Tristram. all the pictures that take my fancy as appro- riate to the coming Christmas time i APHAEL Tuck’s wonderful reproduction of Rapuaxt’s (without the Tuck) ‘‘ The Madonna? Sictina”’ in a frame closely copied from the one in which iginal at Dresden. An instance of the wonderful perfection by the chromo-lithographie process in reproducing a Master’s work may be seen in the large chromo-lithograph of Sir Joux Miitats’ Bubbles, originally brought out by the Ziustrated | Suiiivan’s portrait is, as it ow News, and purchased as a decorative advertisement by the is now on view in the window of The Soaperies, New Oxford and to the finish. Perhaps if I were all alone on a wet foot a Scotch Inn, with only an out-of-date Guide-book, an ancient Bradshaw, week's local paper, I might find Caroline companionable. ithful “Co.” utters a protest against A Crown of Shame, he says, is not very pleasant reading. Written by the Ways, charmingly illustrated by Herserr press by Ournam TrtstTRraM is not up to the | excellence of the pictures. Nothing racy, daughter of Captain Maxryat, it lacks the breezy wholesomenes of the works of the author of Midshipman Easy. The scene is laid in the tropics or thereabouts, and the sickly atmosphere of feeble “- is phy anager y B 7 has a a very 4 ye pam- fe Cana ’ - | phlet called the Dawn of t ineteenth Century, which conjures mittan's Coaching Days and Coaching | 1. vision of the British Empire on the ist of January, 1901, |that must satisfy every one. lit is quite the book for a

delightful ** oetaves.”’ Colonial question is solved, and Ireland, without the assistance of a House of Commons sitting in Dublin, is tranquil. ‘‘ Co.”’ insists | upon expressing his high appreciation of the Happy Thoughts Birth- Pretty Christmas picture-card to send to | sou, Best, Pym pdb yong Sy whose surname is very familiar bachelor is that of the “‘ Prize Babies.” It) . ; can be purchased at AcKERMAN’s. But of | Saniversaries of his friends and relations. He says t the lines selected for ladies’ birthdays are (as they should be) invariably com- plimentary, so that he has had | autographs of two Maiden Aunts (from whom he has expectations), | without running the risk of forfeiting their favour. He adds that humorously continues, which will also record the past. Tue Baron ve Boox-Worms & Co. P.S.—Just seen latest number of Our Celebrities. Sir ARTHUR i ght to be, A. 1, for A. 1, or AnTtHUR ‘ | THe Fresr he is as a Composer and as a humorist in music. He is indefatigable Messrs. Pears—“‘ sure such a Pears was never seen!” | sandwiched between His Grace of CANTERBURY and the eminent ow ; " : surgeon-artist and Jittérateur, Sir Henny Toompson. Very appro- This work of Young Curomo might deceive even Sir JoHN | priate the proximity of the latter to the Composer, as if Sir ARTHUR ! Now back to books again. I tried hard to fall in love|is ever hard up for a few notes, Sir Henry can give him one of his with Lady Lovpsay’s Caroline, but couldn’t manage it. I had to get out my skipping-rope, and then I went on by “‘lea: bounds” In this glorious prospect the great notations most apposite to the the satisfaction of soliciting the Christmas t—a present, he B. pve B.-W.

the Gentleman who has de horses, I did not mean anyone in particular. (Signed) To Corzesponpents.—‘‘ When I made that note last week about a new treatment for ‘ roaring for the Weal ’Am Tax (since | deceased). The —_ Posters,” it was observed, natu suggested | the idea of a Stam Slee attached | to them. Groner Joxrm didn’t see | the exact force of the suggestion at first; required posting up in the | details before approving; but ad- | mitted there might be something Here is a sort of Poster (not Postal) | | For any Pictorial Advertisement | oarding, seaffolding, or other public |

|

* Roary-vp-THE-HILLs.” SS

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Decempzr &, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 269 OUR SPECIAL MUSICAL CRITIC (?). THE t event of the week has, of course, been the production of Dr. e’smuch talked of Cantata, ‘‘ The Old Home Farm, at the Northborough Festival. It a happy idea on the part of Dr. STERLING to secure the comiliknedl Ghote of Northumberland and Cumberland, but con- ———>.-+—— — i “THE WORLD'S GREATEST WOMEN.” | Witherta included im any Tist,) at | berland led,” the soli; I was not supplied with a i ) repeated very effectively.:., We are then intro- 4v0 :— , ee, I:This is repeated "crescendo until a sudden burst into the dominant with slight variation of the theme :— There was a slight reminiscence of CzERNy’s celebrated Op. 101, but the orchestral treatment was quite different. The opening chorus which my next-door neighbour informed me was entitled, ‘‘ Hail Melancholy Chanticleer,” was simply remarkable for the occasional Oboé obbligato :— But the charms of the farmyard were more vividly before us in the a — oning ETD r — ape otnins ney compositions in the work, an to be complimented. The great tour de was the grand chase by the /farmer’s dame after — three small animals that had intruded’ themselves, without” invita” tion, upon the premises. The fact that the animals were totally deprived of vision rendered the situation more poetic, and accordingly more dramatic. In these so/i and chorus the Doctor has surpassed himself. It thus opens quietly on the strings :— sh Ub Aithe UIE Wg 1 & 2 Vio. Viota. CaéBimes, YI" 97 Bade This is repeated three times, when the wood-wind follow thus :— Oe = And when all were played together, with the full of the orchestra, the audience rose en mosse and, afer gape their opinion, ‘sat down again. finale ‘was’ also effective. Ther: were to be (go I understood) ies by ight. The theme, suggesting the rising of the moon, quite characteristic of the gifted composer :— , (The moon rises.) Grave. an In* fact, the moon rose even higher, and nothing more aaeotive of. the rise of the moon .as been heard since the song of The Bed lamite (with counter subject on the volovong and_shoe-horn) in Dr. Straws’s Water Cantata, first performed at the Hanwell Festi- val. I thought the grand festival dance at the end slightly suggested an old tune—but I may be wrong; however the con- cluding bar were certainly original :— A A A Lif i | ’ Tue Royat Society or Paryrers 1n Water Cotovns.—Lw these dull December days we should be grateful to Sir Jouw~ Gripen and the clever Ladies and Gentlemen who give us glimpses of sun- shine, of breezy country, of sea and forest, of foreign countries, and London streets, in their best aspect. these you can enjoy without the expense of travel, or the inconvenience of wet weather. Just drop in at oe in Pall- all, and you will be able to person- ally conduct yourself po must conduct yourself, or ou will be reprimanded by Secretary —toall sorts of delightful places, for one shilling. TheGallery is just the right size to prevent weariness. Youwillgoaway refreshed—though you are not admitted by refresh- ment - ticket — instead of suffering from that most |terrible of maladies, the ** exhibition headache.” “ Maxima debetur pueris.”

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sau iwi A ALBERT, HALL 14%8 ta. Fa gh owns twee Arm] Se Scan yy wl Dili Wiven late | NY Sima HuUOANVITAOU .VHV> I HSIAONILSIG OL OD z 4 4 Dp 7 THE REAL MUSIC OF THE FUTURE. Sicnon Foouory:, THe Great HisernianN Basso-Tenore Rosusto-PRoronno, Is 80 DISGUSTED AT THE FRIVOLITY OF CONX- TEMPORARY MUSICAL TASTE (WHICH 18 NOT RIPE ENOUGH TO APPRECIATE HIM), THAT HE GIVES UP ALL ATTEMPTS TO PLEASE THE PRESENT GENERATION: HE BUYS A PHONOGRAPH INSTEAD, AND DEVOTYS HIS ENERGIES TO Siyegiva For PosTreriry. BY APPLYING HIS EAR TO THIS MARVELLOUS INSTRUMENT IMMEDIATELY AFTER SINGING INTO IT, HE NOT ONLY HEARS HIS SONG ECHOED BACK TO HIM OUT OF THE DIM FUTURE, BUT HE ALSO HEARS THE RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE OF UNBORN MILLIONS ! [With Mr. Punch's « ae coma nts and ees logies to Mr. Edison and Colonel Gouraud. iauy “FREE LANCES!” A Gallic Galahad! Yonder youth First Free Lance. _ Is of another strain, I know my trade; with lance and blade [General Bovtanogr has sent a letter to M. Much less like Lancelot, in sooth, To fame I'll carve my way, Denovutepg, thanking the members of the League Than Gareth or Gawaine. me foes are parlously afraid, if Patriots for their sentiments of devotion to the Whatever they may sa: ause of the National Party , which they know to Second Free Lance. Yon Briton is a vouek ike elf ; | be that of patriotic, honest, and sincerely Kepublican| ‘* How sweet are looks that ladies bend Seems out of it st present ; | Prance.— Times.) On whom their favours fall ' But he, like me, can make himself ". For them I battle to the end ; | First Free Lance (Boulanger). = | | 4ONV'] *‘(ma108aNVuUT ‘ ' I nf pny 7m ned np tek ts SI Confoundedly unpleasant ! My ah iene ~~ or men, = t id Laureate, Primrose Dames Second Free Lance. y & ance , avours upon me ; Ho, there! Where ou, good m w Because my is as the strength of ten, But as to championing their claims friend ? oy & y ecause my heart is pure. A out “ee hall You fight—beneath whose fi Ahem! No Tennysonian knight a sco! ou fight—benenth whens Sag at I; ‘yet ‘twere not bad, First Free Lance. First Free Lance. Lp mnyny > aie * When on my godly charger born I go for Glory! That's my end! : ‘ ro cheering towns y Second Free Lance (Grandolph). Buowrrs my bounce and Sage may scorn, - Second Pree Lanes. , Faith, how the swaggering Frenchman But is he “‘ in the know ? ings Mane we Saunts Condottiert sometimes come First Free Lance, His “‘stainless banner!” Bosh ! Like Srorza, to the front. Oh, not at all! We shall arrive! He ’ll find, for all his valorous vaunts, Yon sp whom some deem a hum But by what road,—who knows ? That little game won’t wash. May still prove “in the hunt.” I'll show my friends that I’m alive The bY whose shields I ‘seiko; Second Free Lance, Second Free Lance. But anyhow my lance is free ‘A maiden knight—to me is given And I'll inform my foes ! To couch ’gainst whom I like. I Such to'breathe the airs of heave A [ Exeunt severally. First Free Lance. hat often meet me here.” ‘ - — Pst! Caracole, my ~— aod steed ! Humph ! In or out I - not blench, The Ropulace love But later I ma End of Anarchy ! To nod ing plumes t —y give good heed ; The ‘* heaven” of te aay Bench Ornper EverrwHere—WMr, Punch’s At least "tis so in France. A little to my mind Almanack for 1889.

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Fieer Freer Laser ay eta a Bowtan seR *““AHA'" PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemegr 8, 1888. oe #- ph - me SS LS Te 7 CZ, BILD Sop ; es ’ ~ Fg: = ANINRAR i SS ——S— “FREE LANCES I GO TO DISTINGUISH MY-SELF!!" ' ” . Srconp Freer Lance (Granvorurn). ‘AHEM! SO pO I!!!" SE [ Breunt sereral/y. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

vs 4 - Ay; SM _)\VALLGG <2 MAA¢G Z <... ae set Y 4A

‘*Is THERE ANY WAY ACROSS THIS THIS WAY? ‘‘Dogsn’t YouR FATHER Go VERY SIMPLE. —** Do’naw.” ‘“Isn’r THERE A Briper ANYwHere ?”—‘‘ Do’Naw,” How DOES HE GET ACROSS ?”—‘'Gener’y Joomps ir!” 7”?

| A CITY IDYL. ‘ THERE’s a corner in pork, and a starling s building her nest in the corner ; And it’s oh, (it is always oh) my darling There is hope in the heart of your City Jack Horyek, Who sits in the corner to pull out a plum Then hey, for the bonny bright day that will come For you and for me, my darling. ‘Money was hard and your father was hard— Yarely is piping the —- And we were depress’d as coffee or lard But firm as copper, my darling. ‘And your mother was brisk as inquiries for wheat — Cotton is weak in the glooming— For she thought that love’s call we should _fail to meet, But like shard=borne beetles at twilight sweet The Jan Van Beers went ing. ‘And bacon closed with a steady tone, Like choristers clearly quiring, And hogs were ten points up, my own, Like the solemn pine on the mountain lone, Or pinnacles, cloud-aspiring. ‘And closing prices, and stocks and shares Are fair with a future pleasure, As I wander, a victim to shocks and stares, In my mooning hours of leisure, For tin is as quiet as eventide, And ribs like the sun declining ; But rails rule firm as my winsome bride, And love looks up like mining. “ And it’s oh, my love, my love, And it’s oh, my dear, ye i I’ve done work with the corner in pork, And with Jan Van Beer.” E

Thus sang the uncouth swain to the bulls and bears While the still morn went out in shirtings grey ; He touch'd the tender stops of booms and scares, Wat oom thought warbling his Mincing He Pea. «1 without alarm of settling day, Nor jumped with panic fear when prices fell Crashing, but every eve he took his way To Tooting, all his tale of love to tell While the stars rose, and wild swans left their haunts, Stags sought the pools, and the grand elephants Waved their Grand Trunks aloft, and all was well. POOH-BAH-RINCTON HALL, ST. JAMES'’S. Hap Brantingham Hall been written by anybody else but Mr. W. 8. Grrsert, how he, the author of Engaged and Ruddigore, would have chaffed it! How amateurish he would have considered the monotony of the stage-management, and how wqeenetay De would have ridiculed the familiar mel matic characters, with their old-fashioned melodramatic staginess of action and dialogue. ‘**] would be alone!” exclaims the broken- hearted old nobleman. ‘Let me pass!” —— the heroine, addressing Gomer: who is not opposing progress, and, i were, she has the door open immediately behind her by which she just entered. The villain mutters curses as he gloomil seats himself at a table. There is the rm old family solicitor, the lost heir turning up in, the mortgage to be foreclosed by the villain, who, of course, is ready to sell every-

body up, if the persecuted heroine will not be his bride, There are a girl and boy, whose fun would be in keeping with the topsy-turvy eccentricities of a Savoy comic opera, but who are absurdly unnatural in the real life which the comedy is supposed to represent. Miss Nerison is young and pretty. As yet she cannot act, sooner she unlearns what she has evidently been taught to con- sider acting the better for her future histrionic career. Mr. BaRrinoton is Mr, BARRINGTON with a palpably sham scalp. Poor Pooh- Bah-rington! how he must regret havin uitted the gay Savoyards! At the finish o the play Miss Nerisow has to murmur, “ Let us pray,” or only the word “pray,” appa- rently addressed to the audience, who, not having come to laugh, were unwilling to remain to pray, especially as at that moment the curtain was descending, and the piece was past praying for. A Most Happy Thought. Aw admirable suggestion has been offered to - a a ad ra may namely, the proposal of ‘*‘ su bstituting for the Wheel-Tax a stamp duty on bills, posters, Pp and other mural advertisements.’ A very high amount of duty might be charged on eyesores and nuisances without abating them, but in order to render it an alternative for the Wheel-Tax, the stamp must not be so heavy as to stamp them out, EcciestasticaL Casanism.—Julius y. the Bishop of Ozford.

Tue Party or Bovtanorn.—Loafers.

te ai eae ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemeze 8, 1888, | AN OPEN SECRET. Mendicant, ‘‘ Piry 'Poor Bt——” Gent. “No; I—au—nevar Mend icant (forgetting himself). ‘‘Uen! ‘Cause ver 've Got A sHingy "AT, AN’ A Heve- GLASS, AN A ‘REACH-ME-DOWN’ HULSTER, AN’ A NoBBY STICK, YER THINKS YERSELF SOMEBODY!” HOW TO SCORE AT FOOTBALL. ConsipERINe the importation of sheer ruffianism into the Football Field of late, it is quite clear that the method of sco: the points in that should be modified to meet this new state of things. “Goals” and “ Tries,” indeed ! y count such merely adventitious trifles ” It is high time to recognise the fact that the aim of the players is (apart the all-important question of gate-money), not so much to win the e as to and pummel, mutilate and maim, and, if necessary, kill each other. Let, Scatere, rules be adjusted to the facts. Then we shall be candidly informed, that in a match between—say, the Mudford Mutilators and the Thampingtes Thugs, the former team, (or, what is the same thing, gang of roughs) won the game by two deaths, three broken collar-bones, and four injured spines, as inst one death, seven smashed ribs, and fourteen minor maimings scored by the latter. is literal and honest way of scoring the game will frankly enlighten the public as to its real nature, and doubtless induce all who are not trained brutes and natural bullies to keep out of that scene of ignoble rowdyism known as the Football Field. THE WEARING OF THE CREEN. (New Society Version.) “There is almost a craze for green in the worl of fashion.”"— Daily News on “ Evening Dress,” | Belle of the Ball sings :— Ou, some may bless the Emerald Isle, _ Some count her as our foe, For me, whilst Summer skies did smile, Now Winter winds do blow,— Whether in sunshine or in wet, (Though loyal to my Queen,) I kept and keep, without regret, The Wearing of the Green. Sweet tint! I love you passing well With lilac at my breast, Laburnum in my skirts’ broad swell, I look quite at my best. I overheard Lord Ronatp say That I’m the Emerald Queen. May failure banish not away The Wearing of the Green ! Nay, Marre, why that bitter sneer ? Home Ruler? Fiddle-de-dee ! I’m anti-Irish quite, my dear, Like all Society. I dote upon our brave BaLrour, PARNELL inspires my spleen ; But all the same I do adore The Wearing of the Green ! Oh, I care not for the Thistle. And | care not for the Rose ; But when the North winds whistle, Or when June noonday glows Reds, blues, and pinks go friendless, No gaudy tints are seen ; But Vise with love that’s endless The Wearing of the Green ! O sea-green silk; O sea-weed stuff! O verdant tintings all! ‘ Ye suit my beauty well enough At dinner, rout, or ball. How long the fashion yet may live Remaineth to be seen ; But while it lasts my heart I ll give To the Wearing otf the Green ! A Mopet May or Bostness.—The Hot- LINGSHEAD Testimonial List is open up to the end of the week. Apply to W. H. Grir- riTHs, Hon. Secretary, Shaftesbury Theatre. There never was a straighter and more trust- worthy Ma r of a Theatre than Prac- tical Jonn at the Gaiety. His ‘‘ No” meant ‘*No,” and his “‘ Yes” meant “‘ Yes.””_ Sono one could mistake his ‘‘ Ayes” for his ‘‘Noes”’; consequently there were no written agreements and no disagreements, Will he write his Reminiscences of the Gaiety as 4 new edition of the Chronicles of HoLiines- HEAD (JoHN) ? YANKEE DOODLE. (New Society Version.) YANKEE Doop.e comes to town, Posse of many a md of Bringing his lovely daughter with A view to Ma-tri-mo-ny. Yankee doodle-doodle-doo ! The dollars come in handy, Even to Dooks who have too few, But know the Ars Amandi. Yankee Doodle rails at rank, That is for home consumption : But at swell relatives the Yank Don’t kick,—he’s too much gumption. Yankee doodle-doodle-doo ! Love is sweet as candy, [blue His daughters ‘‘ reckon” blood that’s Scarce spoils the British dandy. ee

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| Decemner 8, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. he world Dress.” | sle, smile, | TAMA I! au dl Me . APA AMEE [xprad ter Wh Ack jag ar gee ‘cen am v4 f ‘iss | =>||=== a oC NTA ARS a ' s _ - Ie _ House 0 ane, Monday Night, November 26.—“ Tony, M.P., train for London, and’bus to Westminster. Found way into Octagon Sir,” said JEREMIAH Scxxrvan, of the Irish Constab ulary ; ‘in my Hall; admired statues of Lord Jonny Russet, and very big man time I’ve made a ‘ion many arrests, but never before did I pte | with colossal lees and stupendous marble e¢oat-flaps labelled the attention of o ouse of Cossnens; and bedad! if I can help it, ‘‘Ippestzien”; found two rows of people waiting at end of I 7 do it corridor leading to Commons. A decent-loo ing man, JEREMIAH; a fine specimen of Irish ‘‘Is ex the House of Commons?” says JEREMIAH, vainly looking Constabulary, but just now in rather limp condition. for door-plat “ JEREMIAR, ” T said, ‘‘ these Lamentations are natural enough on ‘‘It is said a Polite Policeman. your part. You ’ve into a mess; but cheer up; Batrovr will ‘‘ Well, I’ve called upon Mr. Sueeny,” say Jenemian. “Is never desert you. In the meantime let this be a "lesson to you. there a knocker to the House-door, or d’ye ring a bell ¢”’ Beware of females ; van not after them. She is bad, but Suzeny ‘‘No,”’ says the Policeman. ‘‘ You send in your cyard. “ you find is a syllable worse.” JEREMIAH produced ‘‘cyard” with a flourish; handed it to Policeman between tips of thumb and finger, as he had seen the atte pesmed i Se simple im ve harangue wat ant ih Tite me all about it’ gent + on the aetage. . wih, pooeees : EREMIAH to himself, ‘if the master’s not at him tgerve upon ember for South Galway. - , i ‘Where il T find ham ?” said ** House of home, pet ne me into the kitchen, and give me a drop of some- Commons known address in London, ig says a So JEREMIAH took thing.”

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276 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI ————_ [Decempsr 8, 1888. Waited quarter of down cormaor ‘Who wants Mr. Sureny an hour; then Sareny discovered sauntering *” Polite Policeman bawled. ** Troth an’ I do,” said Jenr- MIAH. . Then step inside,” said the P.P. JEREMIAH advanced. SHEEHY, thinking it was a constituent, warmly shook hands with him. JeReMIAn much touched at this friendliness; SHEEHY evi- dently going to make things vleasant; so EREMIAH whispered in his ear,— “T’ve got a little summons for you, Sorr. 4 Would youstep outside, and ac- service ?”’ “What!” roared SHEEHY, and bolted into House. “And wid that,” said Jxz- REMIAH, mop- Sending in his Cyard. ~ ait eT heard nothing more till I was taken before a lot o’ gintlemen in a small room with nothing to drink and accused of undermining the British Constitution. It was a sore day when I left Limerick, and when I get back, begorrah, I ll go no more a visiting the gentry.”’ Business ota peg he Bill in Committee. Very dull. Suxeny suddenly bolts in; breathlessly declares he has sum- mons served on him in precincts of the House; uproar; confusion ; Select Committee appointed to consider affair; Sitting suspended till Ten o’Clock ; then Committee on Land Purchase Bill resumed. Con- tinued at it till early morning, with pretty appearance of nothing particular having happened in meanwhile. Tuesday.—Doxatp Corrie wants to know what’s this about Srvart-Rewypevt and the G.0.M.*’ 8S. R. has placed his house at his disposal during stay in London; now making holiday arrange- ments for him in the winter; keeping open house at Naples with a back garden and property trees to cut down before breakfast. ‘‘A gross infringement of | my patent,” says Corrie. ‘I invented that at least four | years ago. Who took him out touring round the coast in the (Grantully Castle? Who gave him a cheap trip all round the Island’ Who fetched his medicine, and who warmed his ¥ Who smoothed his pil- rruel -~ and looked after him gene- rally *” ““Why you did,” I said, entering warmly into his en- thusiasm. ‘‘ And when he got | well he made you a Baronet. Now you’ve joined the other gentlemen of England, and try to thwart his policy.” Just so; Put that sort of thing ought to be protected by law, like any other invention. I don’t mind being imitated. Have often heard Orn Mo- RALITY say that the sincerest imitation is flattery. But let due acknowledgment be made. Let Srvart Rewpert unto Currie the things that are Doran's.” And the old gentleman, thrusting his hands : Into trousers’ pockets, angril He strode eway in anger. strode off. Glad he went away just then. So angry that his conver- sation was getting a little mixed, and he was beginning to look at me as if J had been infringing his patent. Quiet night in House ; much disappointment among Irish Members who know summonses are out againstthem. Fouad han wandering about Be Corridor wine velees — met JEREMIAH Conarvan rambulating outer lobby ; knocking up against any man who looks like member of Royal Irish Constabulary ; draw a blank. Police wary after last night’s scene. Positively decline to serve sum. monses, and Suerny left in sole possession of pre-eminence, Business done.—Land Purchase Bill in Committee. Thursday.—HowortH wants to know how about the Aged P.~—not Wemmick’s father, who lived in a little wooden cottage at Walworth surrounded by a moat, the object of tenderest solicitude on the part of his son. It was Aged Prelates Howortn was anxious about. Seems there are two in England and Wales over seventy-seven, and three whose years have reached fourscore. Howonrtn thinks it’s time they should retire. If not, will Orp Morauiry bring in a Bill rendering retirement compulsory ? Before he could answer, Jounston, of Ballykilbeg, on his feet, his aggressive beard waving like bl -red fing: ** All very well,” he shouted, ** to talk about the Aged P., but what about the Aged G.? If some Bi are seventy-seven and others eighty, how old is Giapsrone ?” Jounston has ’em there; sits down triumphantly. Op Moratrry declines to do little sum. ‘‘Ha! ha!” says . Jounston, truculently waving his blood-red heard. As for Aged P.’s, Otp Moraurry makes interesting statement that, “*the more aged they get, the more active are they in the discharge of their duties and the fuller their pos- session of their mental faculties.” House laughs riotously. But this nothing to its uproarious delight over Orp Moraity’s summary of the Plan of Campaign at Suakim. British troops ordered to Suakim ; storm of anxious questions from all parts of House as to what they are to do there, what will follow on new expedition,fand who is to pay the cost ? ** T wish,” said Oty Moratiry, pulling out his stock of copy-book headings, ‘‘ to be perfectly frank and candid with the House. A few battalions of troops are being moved from Cairo to Suakim, and they will be moved back again from Suakim to Cairo.” House roared with laughter. ApranamM (Glamorganshire, not Arabia), inflating his bosom, softly sings :— “ The gallant Duke of York! he had ten thousand men, He marched them up to top of hill, and marched them down again.” Ovp Moratity began to feel uncomfortable. Surely hadn’t made another joke like last week, when he dropped into declaration of Home Rule principles? Hurriedly turned over copy-book headings. No; there it was all right. Firmly repeated. ‘* Troops are being moved from Cairo to Suakim, and would be moved back Suakim to Cairo.”” House goes into shrieks of laughter. Op Moratirtyr, gazing round with dumbly inquiring look, concludes he had better sit down, which he does. : ‘“‘They’re too much for me, sometimes, Tosy,” he said wearily. — break out laughing when I was never so serious in my ife.”’ Pretty lively night all through till Half- Eleven, when news comes from Holborn. Satisfaction impartially distributed. First it was said Liberal had got in; Opposition rose like one man and madly cheered; turned out that Conservative had Kept the seat ; Minis- terialists up now, vociferously shouting. Each having had their turn, both went home. Business done.—Land Purchase Bill read Third Time. Friday.—A long grind at Committee of Supply. votes—one on behalf of distressed Spaniards, who ren ance to Great Britain in time of Peninsular War. Only five of these remarkably lusty persons living. Money cheerfully voted, in spite of nasty remarks Irish Members, “Must be getting on in life now,” said Howonrm, “‘ Aged Prelates nothing to these Aged Peninsulars, who fought against Bow apaRTE eighty-four years ago.”’ ; ; “There is nothing Rdg tl my intention than to hide any- thing from the House,” said Moratrrr, who recovered his spirits; ‘but Age is always Venerable.” , That settled it...Vote greed to ow Letter-writer to the’ Times, “ Let me at him!” Got many assist- Business done.—In Committee of Supply. IP NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no case be returned, not eves when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. thero will be no exception. To this rule ay F . Pr r oo. ~= les?véerve..

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rts ok Ww ey ot beth 2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Dzcemnzr 8, 1888. OPER FRERES’ “WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, WUNT’S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY.” Of all a. apenas T GRANT & 80N6, 2 | SHAM su 3 MeN guinea upwards. ‘Pampale bos trem Zab WAIGNEN’S “* FILTRE RAPIDE” ‘2 “ANTI-CALCAIRE” C0., LTD. (The largest manufacturers of Filters in the World), $2, ST. MARY-AT-HILL, LONDON, E.C. /MARPIN & WEBB'S HOLLOW S GROUND Post Free frum 168, Ozford x and 18, Faron {Bane Unica, cr from the ney ee In Case — Biaels Handle ..... Wwory Handle ...+0+2, Par pester to all is‘it Yorcien Get a bottle to-day of PERRY DAVIS’ PAIN. KILLER, the O1 most widel: ine inthe World, Itinstantly 3 —_ bevere Burns, Toothache, Headache, Pains im the Joints, tad Limba’ and all Ni sad Rbcumatlc Paine Any Chemist can supply oe FITZGERALD'S SHIRTS. PERFECT COMFORT IN EVENING wt ere sey yan vitmet ie signeat prewar, whe tha fot of RCH STREET, LONDON, E.C., tock ready f FITZGERALD, shia asd af arabe ce Patrick Street, Cork, Centary } THE BEAUTY OF THE SKIN ENHANCED BY iat, and Cos for beautifying and soften- Skin. it equally Dy all, for & most natural fraicheur to the complexion. a - = ‘ Gentiemen will fad it most soothing pleasan for use after sheyi In three tints; mehe for fsir sk Naturelle for darker c complexions, and Rachel for use by artificial light. Price is. Hy Post, free from observation, lx 34. To be had of all lis/aiepmenn, Chem ae. Wholesale Depét: &. HOVENDEW & 31 asp 8, BERNERS STREET, W. And 91-95, CITY ROAD, BC, LONDON. BEST BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER'S INK (DICHROIC). Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT: HAYDEN & CO,, 10, Warwick Square, E.C. Manufacturers, BEWLEY & DRAPER, Ltd., Dublia, LAIRITZ’S CELEBRATED PINE-WOOL PRODUCTIONS. Awarded 12 Medals, in Sileer Medal at Bowie” Established 1853. FLANNELS, VESTS, PANTS, BELTS, KNEECAPS, &o. for Prevention and = of” G0uT, SESUMATISN, COLDS, &e. Can be nes ordering from first-class ers and pers. B iGeaing Cod enrages © tion). pS A Street, we. MH. Saursom, 33, Queen Victoria Street, E.C. List co Acents sent on application to 4, MARGETSON @ CO, enianai, London, whe are Wholesale heents. MILWARDS’ NEEDLES. CALYX BS bits Ya EYED the ane Tuasap Packets Calyx- Eyed witmeer on and take Tunes epptica.- Bone other. on n. WASHFORD MILLS, REDDITOH. FLOR DE JAVA MILD INDIAN CIGARS ofan a a ok choice flavour ard delicate aroma, , 20s., and 18s. per Box of 100, Post Free. Samples, 4 and 6 for ls, (14 stamps). BEWLAY € CO., 49, Strand, 143, Cheapside. (A Agents for ry Britain. ) KURE-QUIC. Quinine Cure for Colds and Tafivenzs. NEVER FAILS. S e in the House for Children or A Moruea. Colds, Neuralgia, and une 2s. Gd. per Bottle, Of all one and FP, New sent & Bors, SAVAR’S Statute nian CUBEB to | CIGARETTES. cosa wan ='|PLAYER'S NAVY CUT |: HOWARD SPEARMAN’S SERGES. Pure inpio GO ei Rota wave BLUE, WOADED BLA Also i other colours and PANCY WHAvINGS. Kaw quotations No draper or tailor sells SPBARMAN’s renowned Serges; } can onl 1 beobtaine direct trom SPEARMAN, jes’ Autumn and ea Gentiemen’s Suits. att for patterns, and select at home for yourselves. Parcels carriage paid in Great Britain and Ireland. Goods packed for export at lowest freights. DON’T, REAR THIS! Lal is nted oe dol . the. Flutes, 6s. 64.. 7. of) Be Dulcimers, €6., te lets, 4s. 8d., Ts, 64.’ Cornet in case, 24s. single ; musical instrument ofany kind at whelooake price, a Tus ®rareen Mawvractvnine Comrant (A Department), 31, Moorgate Street, London STOVES BEDFORD 4 | PORTABLE RAILWAY] ===:"= TERRA-COTTA! PORTABLE! FOR be Rossers's (luraovep) ae - Pure « heat 24 hours for about 1 weet pA A . nhouses, x Pamphiet and testimonials sent. In use "daly at Patentee’s, 'T. ROBERTS, 112, Vicroats 61... Weerninerzn s/FRY'S PURE CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE “% consider it a very rich delicious COCOA Cocca." —W. B. B. STANLEY, 2D. TREES FRU 74 Acres. ROSES. susie: 8s. doz. 60s. 100 gar Packing snd Carriage Pree for Cash with Order. ORNAMENTAL TREES, 01 Acres. 4 ACRES of GLASS. CLEMATIS (80,000), 12s., 18s., and 24s, per doz. ROSES (in Pots), from 15s. per doz. SEEDS & Vegetable, Flower, BULBS and Farm. DESCRIPTIVE LISTS FREE . RICHARD SMITH & CO., WORCESTER. nosueon S ‘oi LEAER'S IRISH Pocket Hundkerehes at's. 41 By ‘App cintmente, to the Queen OLEAVER, Beliust, t=~* Linen,” "Helfnet Gos MA AOMURES AUREL the World. Agents,R. Hover- Comins reneners te Wort, Aeme S Soe DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. For ACLDITY or ras STOMACH, HEARTHURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. 180, BOND STREET, and all Chemists. * The most sovereign and precious weed that ever the earth tendered to the useof man.’ "—Bew Jonson. oe LLOYD’ ‘oO To. & rrearnct SMOKING MIXTURE. Atall Tobacconists and Stores, in Psonere onty BR. LLOYD AND 60N8, HOLBORN BAR6, F. 0 TOBACCONISTS COMMENCING, OW TO OPEN REMUNERATIVELY (rom say amount, however email or jar Coleen Catalogue free), LESSER LANDER 3,u = rk lished 60 years. Without Soap, Water, or Brash, 1s. OF ALL HAIRDRESSERS, CHEMISTS, Ac. Wholesale; R. HOVENDEN & Sows, Bemers St., W., and City Rd., B.C. London, USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES, BEST FOOD INFANTS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR IV ARI.—DecemsBsr r Pe International Health Exhibition, London, has been awarded for this Food; by the LANCET and the entire Medical Press. CHILDREN, and INVALIDS. wewww a a a a tt ee evoctrert ett rn LADIE WRITE for Patterns, and Save 25 to 40 per cent., by purchasing direct from the Dasuinetos Mivts. 000 rarteays| (OP Yem a q Darlington e Sa COSTUME CLOTHS AND j i P NEW SKIRTINGS, “=".4 3 CROSS-WARP SERGES. GOLD MEDAL MERINOES, and CASHMERES. ALL HIGH-CLASS FABRICS, renowned for their stylish appearance, thorcugh money value, and bard- wearing qualities These Splendid Goods are Sold Direct to the Public without the intervention of Whole- sale Merchants, Drapers, Agents, or Middie-Men, al! intermediate Profits being given to the Purchaser Any length cut. Parocls Carriage Paid to any Railway Station in Greet Britain. HY. PEASE & ©O.'S SUCCRS.., Spinners an’ Manufacturers, The Mills, Darlington. J!/»- trated Ca/alogue of © Pages, Port Pree, Batancieurn 1752 APR Annmnmnnnwn len &§ Hanburys’ Castor Oil Tasteless. Pure. Active. Soild everywhere at 6d., 1/, /9 & 3/. ‘* Salt Regal isa grateful cup at all times. Refreshing — Agreeable — Recuperative Health-giving — Health-preserving — Quite distinct from all other Salts and Saline Preparations. An entirely New Saline.” Protected by B.M. Over Fifty Patents, Royal ZAR: Bogistraticns, acd Letters Patent. Trade Marks. SALT REGAL Instantly destroys impurities in the system, and fortifies the body against the attacks of disease. SALT REGAL is not « copy of or an imitation of any previously existing Saline preparation, or Salt, but an entirely 4 +d inven tien, in which princi ples hitherto unknown to science have been applied im the furmation of a perfect Saline. SALT REGAL a Cleanes the Mouth, Throat, and Stomach at one dispersing Sica Me :dache like a charm. and speedily eradicating Piatulence, Feverishoess, Acidity, and all kindred troubles imparting to the sy-tem a vigorous t N depressing in fluenr es attend its use T nges te « Koss colour during effervescence, and develops an antiseptic thus possessing a distinct indiv iduality Mesers. FKITZ & CO. will pay handsomely for sati tory evidence of infringement of either their Patents or Trade Marks. SALT REGATI. ts not on! « delightful drink for the hot weather, but for «ll seasons, a!) climes, all the yeer round. In bottles hermetically seale! Se. 64, of all Chemists and Medicine Vendors thre out the w Patentees and Sole Proprietors FRITZ & CO. “THE SHAVER’S DELIGHT.” SALT REGAL WORES, FLEET STREET, LIVERPOOL. 12 MONTHS’ LUXURY FOR 12 PENCE. (A shiiiag won | Stick lasts a Year.) CADBUR COCOA IS ABSOLUTELY PURE Vripted by Wiliam Stuart smith, of No BW, Loraine Holloway , te the Perish of 6. . the County of Middlesex, at the Prin Offices of Messrs, Bradbury, 7 ie the Fropunct of Winlwotrionss in the Ciy of Leaow, ane Pablo vy tig et He oh, Viach Dtrect, in tue arcs of st hrsde. Chly of Landon. —sarp ener,

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Jeet Napa eee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—Decemsze 15, 1888. seed meiiem fer jody bod mer te ie Ware = in a agers Beiter, ©, ‘e Conduit THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, 6? Millions Stg. FOR PROTECTION LNIWLSIANI ? EDINBURGH, 8 George 6t. (Head Office) LONDOBS, 68 King William Street, E.C. o S Pall Mall East, 6.W. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street. Branches & Agencies in lndia & tha Colonies HOT MINERAL SPRINGS | OF BATH. Daily yield 607.600 gallons at a temperature of aii* te 120° Bethe founded at Bath by the Komans in the First ury. The water well koown as being most _ in case “ Rheumastiom, Gout, Shia hee ona. The Co poration of heth heave recently ena ee ant game ted the Baths at creat exp-nee. In the wortes of one of tne gre ratest Hygiesie Yhys:clams "Tus Barns 42 THE MOST COMPLETE I> Kcnorn, Band Dolly in the Pump-Koom. Letters to the Manager wil receive ) ettention and every infarmat BEST « SaFest D NTIERICE BOLD BY ALLO ND PERFUMERS, IN ELECANT CRYSTAL J TOILET CASKET price 2/6. ALSO iN PATENT METALLIC BOX : «COAL TAR: > mH First produced and designated CORN FLOUR by BROWN & POLSON BROWN & POLSON’S GORN FLOUR Was in the field sometime before any other was anywhere heard of, and no other has now an equal claim to the public confidence. VAN HOUTEN’S pure soLusLe (GO COA BEST & GOES FARTHEST. “It is admirable..—BrITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL. MAPPIN & WEBB'S SPOONS & FORKS REDFERN, LADIES’ TAILOR, ** The most noted firm of Ladies’ Tailors in the World, and, be it said, the most original.”’—Vide Press. || COWES, LONDON, EDINBURGH, PARIS, NEW YORK. C. BRANDAUER & CO.’S CIRCULAR POINTED Eas PENS |= — V-— yA ug tor apt, tn C.BRANDAUVERSCY CrsnxecPENS Seven Prise Medals awarded, Assorted Sample Box, 64., or post free for7 stemps from Cc. Brandauer & Co.’s Pen Works, Birmingham. A PLEASURE TO USE. Mover Requires Grinding. Mr. Han. lavine writes: pe razors ensviient.” Case, complete, Hlack KROP a SB ; lvory Handile,7 BEAL OFRMAN BOL - @nounD From all Dealers, or direc’ from the English Depot, om RAZOR. Proth ®t. 8 he Sq, | ond w. THE NEW PERFUME. CRAB-APPLE BLOSSOMS. EXTRA-CONCENTRATED. Chief among the fashion- able scents of the season is ‘‘Crab-Apple Blossoms,” a delicate perfume of the ~— highest quality and fra- EY the CROWN PER- FUMERY CO., of 177, New Born Srazer, who have distilled for the te public some of the choicest and most CROWN PERFUMERY 00. FOR CHRISTMAS AnD i NEW YEAR'S CIFTS, Roth ng is mere» AKBENZ’ (+ MANDARIN RAZORS, and his usiversally appreciated a GEM AIR GUNS. Innumerabic testimoniels pronounce the things, bese followed by, ‘imi itations, * hich » for ~ =. prot, are offered by some dealers as the oie rticle. Those ,3. ble, - wth « Swiss Cross. th = They may be had at the same pices as the v yd imitations made. throuxh any respectable dealer, direct where unobtainable otherwise. Lnsist “on having with every Gun my Descriptive Circulars, COLLINSON & LOCK’S & EASY CHAIRS, SOFAS, LOUNGES, &c., OF GRACEFUL FORMS, TASTEFULLY UPHOLSTERED IN OLD AND MODERN STYLES. AN IMMENSE CHOICE ON VIEW AT REASONABLE PRICES, ayy: 76 to 80, OXFORD STREET, W. Treloar & Sons, Ludgate Hill, TURKEY CARPETS. WHOLESALE PRICES. QUOTATIONS BY POST FOR ANY 617%. IMPORTERS, TRELOAR & SONS, 68, 69, and 70, Ludcate Hill A CATALOGUE OF THY BEST FLOOR COVERINGS POST FREE OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDOM, LONDON, ENG. ——o—— FINEST SITUATION. EVERY LUXURY no COMFORT. MOST RECHERCHE CUISINE. VERY MODERATE TARIFF. THE BEST SANITARY SOAr. “ EUGALYPTUS ” Purifies the Skin and beautifies the Compiexion. WHITAZER & GROSSMITH, 22, SILK STREET, CITY, LONDON. le. 64, ofall Venton, Post Free direct, and of Loxpow Co ‘7, New Fond Street. CALLARD & BOWSER’S CELEBRATED BUTTER-SCOTCH. ‘REALLY WHOLESOME CONFECTIONERY.’ Lancet. DUCATE YOUR CHILDREN WHILE YOU AMUSE TEEM WITH RICHTER’S ANCHOR BOXES! contin BEAL BOILD SY F.A.D. RICHTER & CO., 65, FesahurthSt, LONDOS, E.C., & 310, BROADWAY, NEW YORK. ROWLANDS KALYDOR is a svothing and emollient preparation for toe FACE AND HANDS. It removes freckles, tan, redness, ane vous! hness « the sxim caused by the ~ ater be €X posure COLD "WINDS ; soothes and relieves chaps, ievitation and chu blains more ame \- Ley tm other prepa. ation, BEAUTIFIES | THE SKIN, and produces a pure and delicate com P P " FREE FROM ETRE or ots pape, and can Le aod ge A a the sk ¢ a og: has Ct 4 = ‘ane ind “a % wowtanp’ Shain

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4 Decemper 15, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 277 A GROVE OF BLARNEY. Sie G. G., Director of the Royal College of Music, wrote last week to the Times a letter, complaining that nobody knows an about the Scholarships o his Institution the R. C. M. The letter was evidently intended for a musical set- ting, and not having time at our disposal for we will just give one extract, with our idea of what it | wants to make it half effec- tive, so as to reach the masses. He wrote thus: — ** The Prince of Wales” (Trium- phal Hymn — *‘ the _ Prince,” §c.), “ with great \ wisdom” (Harps and trum- \; pets ; wind and string ; obbli- \ gato pomposo), “as it seems » to me” (so ’umble! bless him! Violin squirmoso .. . But it is well to remind Sir Zz. » RD Sir George Grove writing . y . wey » ons nate in the great duet between Bouncer and Coz, in Cox and Boz, ‘Or as it seems to me,” ** precisely,” “‘ quite so,” “‘then we both agree,” &c.), ‘‘ ordained,” ull orchestra, fortissimo crasho, majestosissimo grandissimo) d then follows what the superior wisdom had ordained ; Coal oat breadth of the land the mu 1 : the existence of these scholar- ships which are like the Waverley Pen ‘‘ a boon and a blessing to men.” So mote it be! After Mr. Punch has s the proper musical form of publicity, it ought = st all events, to be Sir Grorce Grove of Blarney’s fault, if his ships, his well-found scholar-ships, are ,ot duly manned. MR. PUNCH’S “CHRISTMAS ANNUAL” ALPHABET. A is the Christmas Annual (so called, you may remember, Because it’s set-up in July, and published in September). B is the Baby stealing jam—with pinafore and fist messy ! (This style of ‘‘ Coloured Subject” is considered very Christmassy.) C is the Carol, sung in snow. If anybody bets on it, fon it. We’ll wager there’s a window-blind somewhere, with silhouettes D is the Dancing in the Hall, where you’ll a tiny flirt see In rollicking ‘‘ Sir Roger” make her Grandpapa a curtsey. E is the Editorial, which explains each illustration. (In many cases not a work of super-erogation !) F is the Fun, which we should not—perhaps we’re hyper-critical !— At any other time of year particularly witty call. G is the Girl with tennis-bat, inside a hammock sleeping, Charming, and with the Season, too, so thoroughly in keeping ! H stands for Holly. Formerly some pretty maid with joy cut it, If Artists brought in Holly now—the Editor would boycott it! T is the Ice, of course, a crowd of merry school-boys skating on it— But, as the subject’s overdone, we need not be dilating on it. | J is the Jollity in which all hearts should join harmonic ; | But Annuals “in the movement” take a point of view sardonic. | K’s Kissing ’neath the Mistletoe. Once ev e was doing it : All high-class Illustrators now are rigidly tabooing it. | Lis the Log they burnt at Yule. ’Tis long ago since we did it! | These patent gas-stoves possibly have somewhat superseded it. | M stands for Mistletoe—and here we should require apology, | Did we omit some mention of ‘* Druidical Theology.” | NW is the Novelist whose tale is portioned ’mongst the pictures. | (As no one ever reads it, he is safe from any strictures.) _ O is Originality—why hanxer for a touch of it ? The Public’s quite contented, though they mayn’t be given much | P’s Pathos; if your eye is moist, be not ashamed to dab it ! | It ts a touching subject—‘* Child, with invalided rabbit.” | @ is the Queen of Twelfth Night Feast, by drawing lots elected, | But that comes after Chri , and may safely be neglected ! | ®. stands for Robin. How upon his breast they used to dash on The liberal crimson! now the bird is fallen out of fashion. § is the Satire, harmless chaff on Persons in Society. “* Smart” Annuals supply it now in every variety.) VOL. ICV. BB T’sa ged Title: ‘‘ Setxrex hears the distant church-bells chime.” Or—** Prehistoric Christmas, in the Tertiary Time.” U is the Undecided Man, who tries to choose an Annual, [new all! From the dozens on the bookstall, where they look so spick and span V is the Verse, which Editors o’er vacant spaces scatter, It generally rhymes and scans—if not, it wouldn’t matter ! W'’s the Wrapper; as a work of Art, it is surprising, And forms the of mediums, too, for those who're advertising. X is the Xtra Supplement. Subscribers who are slatterns, May find their taste corrected by the ‘‘ Gratis Sheet of Patterns.” Y stands for Yule—a term which makes some people rather restive, But it — same as “‘ Christmas,” and, in print, it looks more estive | Z is the Zest with which (although there’s little new or funny in ’em), We pounce upon the Annuals, invest our surplus money in ’em. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. A Mistaken Prescrrprion.—You have totally misread our recipe. It was not three “ pints” of Condy’s Fluid that you were to have added to the basin of water which was to have served as a re ing lotion for your face, but three drops. The result, of course, can only have been what you have described. We are not surprised to hear that your face has become a deep rich orange-brown. This is, of course, a little awkward, if you ha; to be dining out. But you must not be impatient. It will senliy. wear itself off in the course of a few months. A SrrenctHexive Reorwen.—When you say that you feel at times ‘‘ as if a steam-roller were going over you,” you describe your symptoms, no doubt, accurately, but there is y nothing serious the matter with you. You had, however, yeshaps, better take a tumbler of hot cod-liver oil, mixed with rum, before your meals, five times a day, and every half-hour a wine-glass of Bloxter’s Dyspeptic Elixir, elterunting this, if you find the former pall a little upon you, with a quart o real turtle, water-gruel, or Fincher’s Prepared Magnesia Paste. Keep to a generous diet, and eat as much pork, pastry, pickles, cheese, cucumbers, anchovies, and walnuts, as you can conveniently manage. Should the slight giddiness you mention continue, or even increase, after you have habituated your- self to this diet, endeavour to run a mile immediately after every meal, when no doubt it will pass off. A persistent effort in this make another direction for six months will e man of you. By the bye, do not forget your hot mustard plunge-bath before going to bed every night. Hontine Puostem.—It is a pity that before inviting your sporting friends down to your new “‘ place,” and promising them a mount, you did not discover that not a pack of hounds met anywhere within twenty-five miles of it. However, you are evidently doing your best to remedy your mistake. Your ing off a cheque for ten pounds to the Battersea Home for Lost Dogs, with a request that the Manager would forward you ‘immediately by return” a miscella- neous dozen of them, and your opening negotiations with the local circus to which you refer, to up something like a meet on your lawn on the morrow of your friends’ arrival, were both happy inspi- rations. Perhaps the circus people might be able to supply you with a tame fox, or, if nothing better could be found, even a performing bear, which would almost complete your arrangements for your anticipated “run.” If your friends are not very “keen,” we dare say you will pull the thing through comfortably enough. Anyhow, we shall be glad to hear from you how it has gone off. EconomicaL Werppine PRE- |= sENT.—We should certainly have | thought that the young couple re mention would have been | ighly delighted with the three- | and-sixpenny set of bedroom fire- | irons with which you ted them, and would much have ap- preciated your kind offer to change them ei for a coal THE LATEST ADDITION TO ROYAL ACADEMY. | scuttle, metal gravy spoon, roll- ing-pin or kitchen umbrella if _ _| they would rather have preferred [of it! | i one of the above-named articles, and we cannot your having received no acknowledg- ment of your gift. As, however, the presents will probably be dis- played at the wedding breakfast, and ticketed with the donor's names, a you might find it more — e to be out of the way. We should advise you to ab- sent yourself from the veremony. Delight of Moore on that Burgess had been made an K.A.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decempgr 15, 1888, “APPLIED ART;” OR, HOW TO DIRECT PUBLIC TASTE. ~, = \ ) Fa) r Iam Ra ——" Moral (to Royal Academicians, from the President's Address).—‘‘ ly you WANT A THING WELL DONE, DO IT YOURSELVES.” Sir F. L-ght-n. Good boys! ssance moves; Beauty’s no more non-resident ; The new resident ! And oh, the happiness it brings to an wsthetie H-rs-i-y. No doubt, for you, like me, dear boy, are nothing not subtle, I nope you ’ll find the “‘ precious spark,” Sir | REDERICK, in my scuttle. What fitter place for *‘ fire-germs”? You’re Pam. new Prometheus, clearly, merum nectar—honey merely. | But T-d-ma. “‘ Confectionery,” H-ns-t-r! If you quote, man, do not garble. what d’ye think, Sir Frepericx, of my hip-bath carved in marble ? your language, well, you know, it’s Could Persia or Pompeii, aye, or even happy Preston,

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December 15, 1888.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Produce a thing it would more truly please your eye to rest on ? Sir F. 7, Most admirable, Atma! When the chisel or the pencil (utensil, Of the true Promethean artist shapes the humblest house- beauty,” A consummation we must aid. ’Tis clearly Art’s first duty. M-rks. Of course! A common kettle is a brutal bit of work ; But when ’tis no more ‘‘ Sukey,” but a penguin, crane, or stork, With a handle like a of wings, a spout that’s like a beak, Then, y Jove! it knocks CELLINI to the middle of next week. Sir F. L-ght-n. Your rhetoric, my M-Rxs, is not too sugary or saccharine. M-rks. Well, I don’t mind something prettyish to put my or in; But as to pretty- in my patter—that’s all flummery. Sir F. L-ght-n. Well, your kettle does you credit, though your style ts somewhat summary. The true receptive readiness, the gro malleability, The definite intuition, the cothotioal agility, That England lacks so sadly, will, no doubt, increase by culture, And a fork that’s like an eagle, or a spoon that apes a vulture, Perchance in time will turn a guzzling Aldermanic ninny Into a much more suitable companion for a PLuvy. Fancy Philistia civilised through the kitchen and the pantry Pompeii left a blesseder bequest than—we ’ll say CHANTREY. Orch-rds-n. From bluntness of perception there’s no doubt the public suffers But this decorative candlestick, and these esthetic snuffers, I fancy ought to fetch it, and to make in its dull head room For an adequate perception of Art-beauty in the bedroom. Sir F. L-ght-n. I’m glad you take my cue, dear Q., and see that what I imply. meant [plement. Was this, that Art should permeate the humblest household im- M-ll-s. Simply! Well, that’s a twister. Though you’re Ciceronian, In exuberant verbosity you’re transcendently Gladstonian, I won’t say meretricious, that would make your fine taste queasy, But I’m if you are simple, and im dashed if you are easy. That ‘‘ fire-germ of living beauty,” in a lamp now, or a ladle, In a spit, or in a pipkin, in a cauldron or a cradle, What ly ts its meaning ? G-d-li, Look at my Perambulator, And I think you’ll twig at once, Jon. As Domestic Decorator I conceive I’ve found my métier. _ Then I hope you won’t get out of it! The Pap-Bowl is important in its way, there’s not a doubt ot it. [relish it Tis the Englishman’s Palladium, but do you think he’ll A morsel more, if, with Minerva’s owl, we chaps embellish it ? Sir F. L-ght-n. That precisely is the object of our latest Art ng an angel,” M-li-s. Well, upon the — of eloquence you “ fiddle like But we are not now at Liverpool, nor with Ce.Lrn1 toiling. How can we banish Ugliness, yet keep our own pots boiling ? That’s what I want to know, dear boy! Sir F. L-ght-n. No longer worship Mammon! umph! Coming from us fellows, don’t you think _ that sounds like on ? Sir F. L-ght-n. Let’s generate an atmosphere that does not reek of money ; Shun all that smacks of clap-trap, or is focussed to the funny. Yes! Glittering gold should have no fascination for the aster, 5 His aim should always be High Art, though clothed in” vul M-li-s. Mine is in meerschaum, as you see, this time. Bat fancy smoki ‘ [ joking. My well-loved baccy in this thing! Sir Frepenicx, you are Can we expect the public to develop “‘ intuition” Upon what’s set before it at our Annual Exhibition, the vulgar and the vapid, like the gazers, crush and jostle ? Of course, Frep, if a fellow means to be an Art Apostle And take his vows of povert All, Oh hang it, that’s not good enough ! M-il-s. And toil enough, and stint enough, and o’er his labour brood en {and Fashion— And shun the Swells, and cut the Clubs, and chuck up Fun In fact pursue his mission with self-sacrificing passion ; He may pormanes in time, assist in definitely mouldin That pub o taste which you have been so eloquently scolding. But—twho is going to begin ? Mammon must be resisted, If the best talent in the Cause of Beauty be enlisted. Her cause is a most g one, we Artists should be leal to it ; But if we’d smash the Golden Calf, ’tis clear we must not knee! to it! Then the chiil Philistine world will feel ‘‘ the vital flame of / Doctor. ‘‘ WeL_L, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING FOR YOU TO DO—YOU MUST GO YACHTING FOR NINE MONTHS !” Patient. ‘Ou! THAT COSTS 80 MUCH MONEY—BESIDES I’m A BAD SAILon —I8 THERE NO ALTERNATIVE?” Doctor. ‘‘ W&LL—YES—BY NO MEANS AN EXPENSIVE ONE—NOR ONE THAT WILL MAKE you sick! DowrgarsomucH!” [Patient chooses the Yacht. OH (FOLK) LAW! Mr. Anprew LANG, in his Presidential address to the members of the Folk Lore Society, alluded to modern s expressions as belonging to a branch of popular etymology. He particularly alluded to the ** Oof bird,” which, he said, *“‘ he unders to refer in some way to the accumulation of wealth.” He suggested that it might be argued that ‘‘ Oof was a cor- ruption of the French euf, an egg, that reference was made to the Goose with the Golden Eggs.” Always y to assist historical research, Mr. Punch gives a few ancient phrases, with their probable derivations :— “‘All Round my Hat!” Evidently connected with the noble house of Ceci, who resided at Hatfield. Queen Exizanern once visited a Saispury at Hatfield, and, doubtless, asked to be taken ‘‘ round.” ‘* Pop Goes the Weasel!” Connected with the spending of money =‘ That’s the way the money goes—Pop goes the Weasel!” To “* pop”’ is a quaint expression for raising money on the security of ape of an insignificant description. ‘* Pop goes the Weasel” may be read, “’ the weasel goes es popping,” t.e., visits a pawnbroker. Why a weasel should have been selected is unknown, unless the animal was the crest of some of the earlier Lombards. This is not impossible, as a weasel is described as a creature that can never be caught slumbering ; denoting, therefore, a fund of extra intelligence. “Or any other Man.” This —_a was very popular some ten or twenty years (time passes so swiftly) . No doubt it should be “‘author man.” An “author” man is, nine times out of ten, superior to any one else, and thus the saying, which was ea with a view to create attention, is calculated to carry out that object. It is said that it was invented in the time of Cuantes Tax Sxconp, but this may be because the first to use the phrase was a Christy Minstrel, who may have been a descendant of the guard that attended the dowry of Madras which the swarthy Srewart took on his marriage to his wife. It need be scarcely added that Mr. Punch will be glad to receive any further information on the subject that any member of the Folk-Lore Society may be pleased to send to him. He would receive it for the sake of ‘‘ Auld Lang Syne,” as their President Merry ANDREW would say.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Decemper 15, 1888. —3 PLAY-TIME ALL ROUND. Antave Roserts himself is as funny as ever in the new opéra bouffe, Nadgy. at the Avenue Theatre, though he has not been pro- vided with sufficient material for his exuberant humour ; that is, up to now. His lesson in deportment to the Ladies, especial when he shows them how to behave at a Linen-draper’s, is capital fun. But I expect that, about Christmas-time, there will be something intro- duced into the Third Act, where the fun somewhat flags. The ‘* Zim wim vig-a-zig” duet is amusing, and obtains as many encores as Axtaur Roserts and his very talented assistant Mile. Vanown1 The two Zig-a-Zigs showing a clean pair of heels to the Audience. feel inclined to take. When they are exhausted, they shake the dust of the stage off their shoes at the wings, and, unfortunately, have no other scene together. Nadgy has a ¢g plot and some smart dialogue, and the Composer has hit upon some pretty melodies, of which the most taking, if not the best, is the tenor song, admirably given by the still ‘‘Jolly” party of the name of Taptey. Mr. Marsn has very little to sing or do, but he does that little well ; and Miss Grotta Warwick looks every inch a Princess, and a little over, and she makes the most of the not very effective music that falls to her share. Mr. Dattas, as the gay old Mar- grave—(I wonder Agtavur Ro- BERTS doesn’t call him ‘‘ Mar- gate” by accident, and then make a mistake, and address him as ‘‘ Ramsgate,” and then as ‘* Pegwell”’ is just what I should imagine a gay old Mar- grave would be if he were Mr. Dattas, He has some funn lines to deliver, and now an then, like Cor, in Bor and Coz, he “‘joins in a chorus,” and, as an Irish witness from the Special Commission would say, ‘* he ooca- sionally takes his part in a solo.” Miss Satire Turyver is one of the merriest sallies in the piece. Anruvr Roperts, to oa whom I cannot help returning, my Marsh ! as, after all, or before all, he is the principal attraction, is irre- sistibly comic in his sentimental speeches, which invariably terminate with a request that he may be allowed to explain a little puzzle. Nadgy is bright and lively ; and scenes brilliant. Mons. Marius has put it on the in first-rate style. ‘‘A Mons a Princess Giulia Warwick, “Oh! he’s Mons for a’ that!” as anybody may exclaim who has an opéra bouffe to produce, and is looking out for a Stage M os suppose that, as the piece here owes all its success to Mr. ARTHUR Roperts, the audience on a first night don’t call for ‘‘ Author! Author!” but for “‘Arrmvr! Arravr!” Can anything of this sort be a failure with him in it ? and Roperts + Vanonr = Certain Success. Q. E. D. ratic World. Dorothy still ing: has icity tat Plenty of stir in the ( ran over to the Lyric. Paul Jones coming to the of W. 8. Grtsert’s*Pooh-Bah-rington Hall at the St. James’s, Sir ARTHUR may be called in to introduce aduet between Miss Nerison, who, I hear, has a nice voice, and Pooh-Bah-rington, with a dance modelied on that of the Dancing Quakers or the P.-Bah and Jzssre Bown’s eccentric pas de deux in Ruddigore. The introduc- tion might be too late to save the eo but it would make a fine festive finish for the last night, and would draw one big house at all events, to speed the parting guest. In answer to numerous inquiries, the first initial in W. 8. Grisert’s name does stand for WIA, but the second—the ‘‘ 8””—does not stand for SHAKSPEARE. Drvgiotayvs is busy with his Pantomime. He does the thing thoroughly. Nota big head that he doesn’t try on, not a trap on which he doesn’t go down, or be shot up. Not a wire that is to carry | a fairy that either he, or his indefatigable private secretary and literary adviser, does not fly across the stage upon, before allowing a fée or a coryphée to essay it. The flying fairies are so fond of their pro- fession, that they soon become strongly attached to the wires that are to carry them. Fact. The Babes in the Wood is, as eve now knows, the subject. What are the odds i i said about a ‘‘ whine in the wood ”’ in the course of the Pantomime Last night of Armada on the 15th and abdication of Queen Exizaberu. Private Box. one VOCES POPULI. A GAME OF BILLIARDS. Scens—A Hotel Billiard-room—anywhere. Mr. Batx and Mr. Footter discovered to begina game. Captain Hazarp and Mr. SporresBarDE, who have come in just too late to secure the table, seat themselves on bench, and look on. A Friend of Mr. Foorien’s is smoking in the background. Capt. Hazard (in an undertone to Mr. 8.). They won’t be long. We shall get a game before they close-—it’s only a quarter-past ten now. Mr. Footler (a weedy, limp man, with spectacles, and a mild expression). It’s ages since I’ve touched a cue—you ought to give y- $ me something, rea stout, and self-satisfied). Allright! Mr. Balk (short —will seventy do Mr. F. (a little hurt), Oh, I’m not so bad as all that—say twenty- five. Chooses a cue with great circumspection Mr. Footler’s Friend. I sh boy—so play up! Mr. alk. fu break. I always make it a rule to play for safety. (Makes a miss in baulk, manages somehow to leave his ball near centre pocket). Ah! (with an air of reproaching somebody else) too fine, too fine ! Mr. F. (chalking his cue). You’ve left me achance there. Let me see—perhaps I ‘d better leave you where you are for the present, hit the red first, and come back to you afterwards? I think that’s the better game. Capt. H. (aside, to Mr. S.). Seems to think he’s playing parlour croquet ! Mr. F. (after shifting the position of his left hand several times, and agitating the end of his cue, misses red ball, and lands himself eventually in corner pocket). I’ve let you off, you see! Now how the dickens did I do that, I wonder ? Mr. B. Can’t say, I’m sure—that’s three to me (after playing). Ha! I’ve left ’em for you again. Mr. F. I can’t do anything. . . . There, didn’t I tell you so? But I’ve saved my miss, anyway! Mr. B. (walking round table). I ought to do something here. Yes I shall hit the red very fine, and go in off ,him into the left-hand to -pocket—that’s the proper game (plays). Te-hee! Too much side on ! Capt. H. (sotto voce). He’s right there / Mr. Footler (flurried), My turn, is it? But—er—where’s my ball—eh ? Mr. Balk (good-humouredly). Why, you see, you got into one of te pote, old fellow, out of my way. r. F. Ha! ha! Soldid. I—I thought it was the best thing todo. What’s the game, Marker ? Marker. Twenty-seven. Mr. F. I don’t like pott me no choice. Marker, Three. Twenty-seven. Mr. Balk (encouragingly). Very near, very near, Sir. Well, you haven’t left me much. Mr. F. (laughing feebl, No, I—I couldn’t afford to. (Mr. Bark — 4 easy ——- on ms shot ! r. B. (complacentily) , 1’m getting my eye in now. Pe 7 fe ewe: sharply, on, sends ball off the i ‘apt. H. (aside). (He getting some 8 eye out presently liged, (Explanatorily How much ? all put a shilling on you, Freppy, my Three. ing my adversary’s ball—but you leave (Plays. Perhaps before Pooh-Bah-rington & Co. decide on the withdrawal Mr. B. (receiving ball), Thanks—mueh obli te F.) 1 put rather too much screw on that time.

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1 of Dsommser 15, 1888.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 281 Mr. F. (with pride), That’s another to me, Marker ! Makes a cannon. B. (patronisingly). There, you see, you can hit ’em when you tae litle trouble. Not a bad ke at all. Mr. F. Gnasioe)- I’m afraid it was a bit of a fluke. Oh, I go on playing, don’t I? That’s two to me, Marker—(after playing ay Oe - and another to this gentleman. ann B. (plays, and makes another cannon). I played for that, rand Marker to Capt. H. and Mr. 8. ing up ye yes 5 Footer, eh! Cwm Foorten’s score w thirty-fire—Mr. Batx’s, nineteen. Mr. Fooruer is bo ney patronising ; Mr. BaLx we. Mae: , and inclined to cavil (beaming with honest phasors. yee more to me, Marker! 1 hope Youre ’re keeping the score you aren't ging to al me you teed for that Two more! ay apa ible to play against such TSesdeiaboree ae eetcas the red. : Mr. Sisy tor hee! ee + + + (misses), There, you can’t say Mr. B. (scanning the cloth). Um—don’t like this at all . Shan’t score this time. (He doesn’t), Now you’ve me! (om [Mr. F. 8, and three . my . There, I never they do for yout to alley tite 0 ai. a a F., Generously). Well, you’re “not in form to-night—1 can see Mr. B. Form! What good ’s form against such infernal fluking ? ha 0 on—it’s you to play ! . I was just loo “round the table, that's all Well, I shall have & shel et the dow event . . Oh, hard Juc Mr. B. pte B ee luck ? Hard stroke, you om (Plays.) Was that a cannon, Marker ? th (imperturbabl, perturb No, Sir—nothing, Si Footer, Here. t’s no won't al for me to-night! ae _— eng jigger, please. Is the red ball +E. ie (acting that Thee ) Phew! a mile by my game. ying. ewla off "You may best me fee old fellow. « Mr. B. Not to-night. J can’t do anything. . . . There, ever see — like that in your life ? Capt. H. (in an undertone). I’m hanged if J ever did! They “= % to rent a table by the week if they want to play a game out! F. Long game this! «Tell you what, Batx, if you like to take that twenty- ~~ er I’ve no objection ! Mr. F.’s Friend, O id how about my shilling ? Mr. B. (anticyed). Don't too confident, Foorier ; I shall catch you up yet. I playa waiting game. Capt. H. Jove—and so do we! Mr. B. I wouldn’t make too sure of that shilling, Jonxs, the game isn’t over yet by a Prarcm Se Marker (confident ). Beg pardon, Gentlemen, but it’s gettin late, and those o’ ther Gentiomes rw wait to lay —would you min playing fi fifty instead of a hundred u Makes a shorter game, tl Mr. F. Well, I’m quite Mr, B. Of course you = But I ~— =m to give you twenty-five in ng Son. ’d = ay hn such | maee as that. Mr. F. Then, look play fifty up, ood you take} L twenty-five that "ll make —- —_*s to my forty-seven. Mr. B Ta That ’s fair enough—all right, Forty- Poy Fad ty Mar have a chance now. (Lies on table and, in making ‘stroke, kicks a4 F. tn waistcoat.) Conf—Foorier, I shall have that stroke over again. oh = (removing to a safe distance). hee Saee es care I don’t! B. (after missing again). Of course I knew I shouldn’t bring a path like that off twice running—(itterly)—you ought to run out easily, now Me F. (trembling with excitement), Oh, I’m not so sure about that. [Aims jerkily. a Jones (his ym: =) 5 agen ’re about, old fellow—remember ve a Mr. F. (after ). Hang it, Jonzs! I wish you’d wait for the tiroke “it's rome oe fellow out ! : Mr. Balk, Forty- oo ae ( lays.) Was that a kiss, Marker ? Marker ( spe: & o, Sir; ’nother miss, Sir Mr. Footler. 1’ make it safe this time. Plays.) Pah, never got near it ! Mr. Baik. Now then—(plays)—tut-tat, not lege enough ! yan H. (aside), Legs! a centipede wouldn’t have enough for him / . Footler. Forty. nine—forty-eight. This we devilish erating! (Plays.) Oh, dear me, that to eastherte you—I must be ~~ Balk. Oh, he ey an to-night. Mr. Footer (améably a = oe aise) —— aie Game to me! (Magna this on a better table, an sorry, Gentlemen, close a r. F. (to Mr. Jones). Mr. B. (angrily). Chalk! what the—there, it ’sall your . + wait a bit— ‘it’s not going to be a miss, anyway . . it’e—hi! go on—go on, can’t you! (Ball wavers « fow seconds, "and drops into pocket.) Well, F you play a finer nimously.) fice than I thought yo you did, but I fancy I should beat you by more then you started twenty-five to the indoor » you know! Capitel ¢ exercise, billiards—the King of pe. . F. puts on his coat sulkily. who have risen ly). Very tlemen—o time ! eleven, Gen’ old fellow, if I didn’t quite pull it off, ‘Ndah rn th cophent ‘or your money ! ran Bax walks out with restored . Mr. Foorurr Sollows with Mr. Jones in a more Srame of mind. The Captain ond his Friend reseree ther remark unt! they are alone. Lights extinguished as Seene closes. lustrate it. Messrs. MACMILLAN are Kryesiry’s Books. — oug. upon a time. But, Cameron (always pleasant Frorence MARRyam. training down to only a hunting story, was the earlier pters of that the fair Authgoen is Mr. Jorrocks. “Co.” was under a the pretty Rosebud A Mi appropriately placed. ‘ na ie sa “reer that e ta Crac vunty either a hunting story, or the rough sketch a goceace of a Christmas Pantomime. He inclines to the latter belief, as he finds such passes as Lord Littelbrain, and or Promeboy, which remind him of the customary lines keters Messrs. Gioves, Stumps, Bats, and Bais Costs, Wnirs, and Summons.” ye however, was ry nod of making ato mended. Easy ees (‘It is as litely adapted), and bea—w—ti Bot her of a Boy, which is the and some amusement may be found in The oderate Man, issued by ublishers who have been Downey enough to get Harry F OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. ‘* Co,” draws attention to Among the Turks, b Fale Canon. C.B., D.C.L., oe a “a venture pysiand Aggy = time to do iis duty, ~~ = a column to himself in some pnlgr, $2 5is Gee mampenee ete ee aoe ¢ uare, prope move on, ** Next, please, Story-telling Album. by Wetts, Danton & Co, cannot conscientiously ~ i pet children in story-telling, but th this is - exception, and — "= Hamlet pictased, 1 like That an Imp, by mace STEBBING ; URNI88 to Miss Yonor’s and Caarwes ucing yy be very popular; they were, once **Co.,”’ I never could oe one of Mrs. Moieswortn’s ‘' Christmas Posy” is first-rate, and entitles myself, and not for and can’t now. the authoress to be called Mother Bunch, Macuittaxs brin out double Christmas aaenet pon nr yp ae Illustrated Mi vale en-elopes 0 k its lite - 9 The Quill pms hey pag bo se course) are Mrs, Loverr reading), Mrs. Casuen Horx and Mrs. will these three meet meet again? Next Christ: babl a. a. er eanaes v0 ristmas pro oe regi he has been with great Mrs. E. Kexw fancies is el been illustrated, no men use stron doubt it a have found ~_ in the Library of the late mare. Wants itis publisned by James Crarke & Co. ‘Co. "has been Warned. ry ene ey balding potonra gay oe with frames in the = for in, is, thinks, very ‘‘ tasty.” There’s humour in this ide elihes acta leas select the right people to fill the as some faces set among flowers do seem so B. pe B.-W. & Co. a Oi ee oes ER

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=— — — ~= = = ‘ — = SOCIAL AGONIES. Mrs. de la Bore-Brown (to Jones, who, instead of listening to her Story, has been deeply interested in what young Smith is saying to Miss Robinson), ‘‘ AND NOW, TELL ME CANDIDLY—WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IN MY PLACE?” “REMEMBER!” A WORD IN SEASON. Shade of Gordon, loquitur : — Once more into the Desert, once in Treading the sands scarce free of red stain Left by your lost slain thousands? Back once more To face the swarthy s *s rush and roar With « mere ul? Can it really be ? Have you for El Obeid—and Me ? Beware! What matter who your hosts may head, That Satispury leads now where Giapsrone led ? The doom of vacillation is the same, Helpless confusion, failure, and disfame. Yours to determine, lessoned by a past At which your stoutest patriots stood aghast, Yours to determine whether once again The bravest English breasts should faint with pain, With shame should sicken, at the piteous sight Of Policy, the prey of Party - Sinkat, Tokar, Khartoum ! names should teach E’en slaves of purse-strings, dupes of flowing speech How shambling statecraft may go blundering on, Till, Valour ponies and Honour gone, E’en the Exchequer finds how scant the gain That comes from friends betrayed and heroes slain. Remember! What you do, do well, at once! He who, thrice schooled, forgets, is worse than dunce. Yon is no region for the paltering pranks Of trimmers tame from Party ’s rival ranks. Withdraw your foot from out those treacherous sands, Or plant it firmly there. The desert bands, Their desperate valour in unequal fight he swift evasion of their mane + te ight, You know. Send no more knots of men to fall In a lone waste or by a ruined wall. Send them no more, I say, nor be content To sit in sullen silence while they ’re sent, Pushed here and there like pews without an aim, By bungling players of a blindfold game. Yours the msibility at As yours ho cham by =. Wa cast ; Be yours the resolution! Still Khartoum But named, clouds every English face with gloom. ’T was there such fumbling policy as this Found tragic issue. Can you—dare you—miss The obvious moral? Caution is not crime, But feebleness is guilt. Be warned in time! READ THIS! AN UNPARALLELED PRIZE! How to Get a Healthy Circulation in the Cold Weather. Campion Seurss’ UnprecepentepLy Generous Curistmas Grrr. Iw reply to our offer of one guinea for the best suggestion as to what would be at once the most popular and the most unique Prize for a successful answer sent in to our Christmas Conun , we (Champion Iliustrated Squibs) have received bushels of answers, of which we print a few specimens. ‘‘Cowstant Susscriser” writes—‘‘I think you couldn’t do better than give one bound volume of your delightful paper to the successful Competitor. True, its market price is only about seven shillings, but J consider it worth ten times that sum, and so I am sure will all your other readers who, like me, have no professional connection oketinn! with your marvellous pennyworth.” ‘‘Generovus Sout” says—‘‘ You do not state the limit of money value for the Christmas Prize. However, knowing how munificent you are, or wish to be thought, I fancy you could not do better than offer two Special Private Pullman Cars, one for meals, and the other for sleeping, such as the Ozar of Russta uses, with a free pass for, say, twenty persons for one whole year, over all the railways of England and Scotland. This would get you a lot of readers among railway travellers.” ‘* Pate Srupent,” who does not seem quite to have grasped what our design for Christmas is, writes as follows:—‘‘I hear that you

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il

R!” ’ 4 | { 7 a hy ian will ihingll. M | : | (| ah) Zz es Bee \\ } 2 oF 468 LEIS ¢ at Ae ee ees JABS he Maas ae A. ALLA LS he ee ONO VIS FS A Ome i/ PSY ~ a AAVY] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemper 15, 1888.

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1 YF Ser eee Sw eee CCU arr Pre" eee eae se Se eee J

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Decemszr 15, 1888.]

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wish to do something r surprising. Well, what could be a eevee pemmten te Foe einen peathabtenes Berber wan to simply contain, instead of the usual short stories and borrow scraps, humorous and otherwise ( ially otherwise), the whole of Mitton’s ‘ Paradise Lost,’ printed ‘in extenso’? It might not largely increase your circulation, and in fact would probably ruin the paper, but think what an impetus it would give to the spread of a taste for high-class literature ! ” ‘* PracticaL”’ says:—‘* Why not make your prize quaething really Christmassy ? I would suggest half a prize bullock for the most successful competitor, ten prime turkeys for second, a monster plum nding te third, and so on through geese and fowls to a modest ippe herring. In this way you would share the advantages offered among a large number.” As none of the above suggestions are quite satisfactory, we have decided to keep the guinea for ourselves, and to select the following :— UNPRECEDENTED YULE-TIDE OFFERING! as our first prize (the only one) for the forthcoming festive season. A Full-size African Rhinoceros will be despatched to the private residence of the person fortunate enough to give, in our judgment, the best answer to the conundrum which will be published in our next week’s issue. In order to increase the pleasurable surprise when it arrives at the door, we shall give no notice of its coming! Thus, all our readers, =e a Bet, will on = the ones expectancy consequent on possible uncaging in their street of thi truly noble quadruped. A special ship has been chartered to bring the animal over from the Congo; and we should advise the prize- taker to secure it in his back garden by a chain attached to the most solid thing in the neighbourhood. It is probable that cats will avoid the garden, and so a double advantage will be reaped by the fortu- nate owner. N.B.—Should any difficulty be experienced with the animal, Messrs. Carter, Paterson & Co, would, if applied to, peremptorily decline to call for it with one of their vans. Our readers will admit that no such prize as this has ever before been offered by any English journal.

THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. November 14.—A red-letter day. Our first important party since we have been in this house. I got home early from the City. Lup i on having a hired waiter, and a half-dozen of ay -y I think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he had had a piece of luck, having made three nds out of a private deal in the City. I em he won’t gamble in his new situation. The su -room looked so nice, and CARRIE truly said, ‘‘ We need not be ashamed of its being seen by Mr. Prerxupr, should he honour us by coming.” I p Boode: J early in case people should arrive punctually at 8 o’clock, and was much vexed to find my new dress trousers . : much too short. Lupry, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my wearing ordinary boots instead of dress boots. I mae. satirically, ‘‘My dear son, I have lived to be above that sort of thing.” Lupzry burst out laughing and said, ‘* A man generally was above his boots.” This may be funny or it may not, but I was gratified to find he had not discovered the coral had come off one of my studs. Carrie looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House. The arr “ ment of the dra -room was excellent. Carrie had hung muslin curtains over the folding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for we had removed the door from itshinges. Mr. Perens, the waiter, arrived in time, and I gave him strict orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous one was empty. CARRIE arranged for some sherry and port wine to be placed on the drawing- room sideboard with some glasses. By the bye, our new enlarged and tinted p phs look very nice on the walls, especially as Canniz has a some Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them. The first arrival was Gow1Ne, who with his usual taste greeted me with, ‘‘ Hulloh, Poorer, why your trousers aretooshort!” I simpl said, ‘‘ Very likely, and you will find my temper ‘short’ also.” He said, ‘‘ That won’t make your trousers , Juggins. You should get your Missus to put a flounce on them.” I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my diary. The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummines. The former said, “* As re didn’t say anything about dress, I have come ‘half dress.’”” He frock-coat and white tie. James’, Mr. Merton, and Mr. STrLLBROOK arrived, but Lupin was restless and unbearable till his Daisy Mortar and arrived. Caxnre and I were rather startled at Daisy’s appearance. She had a bright crimson dress on,

with a little lace. Wosarves and his four daughters came, so did FRANCHING, and one or two of Lupry’s new frie members of the ed|*‘ Holloway Comedians.” We had some music, and Lurry, who never left Darsy’s side for a moment, raved over her singing of a new song called ‘* The Garden of Sleep.” It seemed a pretty song, but she made such grimaces, and sang to my mind so out of tune, I would not have asked her to sing again, but Lupin made her sing four songs right off one after the other. At ten o’clock we went down to supper, and, from the way Gow1ne and CumMINes eat, you would have thought they had not had a meal for a month. I told Carrie to keep back in case Mr. Perxvrr should come by mere chance. GowiINne annoyed me very much by filling a large tumbler of champagne, and drinking it straight off. He repeated this action, and made me fear our half dozen of champagne would not last out. I tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupry got hold of it, and took it to the side-table with Daisy and Frank MurTiar. e went upstairs, and the young fel- lows began skylarking. CARRIE a a to that at once. STiLL- BROOK amused us with a song, ‘What Have You Done with your Cousin John?” I did not notice that Lupin and Franx had dis- appeared. I asked Mr. Watson, one of the Holloways where they were, and he said, ‘‘ It’sa case of ‘Oh, what a surprise!’”” We were irected to form a circle—which we Watson then said, “I have much pleasure in introd the celebrated Blondin Donkey.” Frank and Lurry then into the room. Lupry had whitened his face like a Clown, and Franx had tied round his waist a hearth-rug. He was supposed to be the donkey, and he looked it. They indulged in a very noisy Pantomime, and we were all shrieking with laughter. I turned round foamy oy 11 and then I saw Mr. Perxurp pening half-way in the door, he having arrived without our knowing it. bechamel to Carrrk, and we went up to him at once. He would not come right into the room. apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Pexxurr said, ‘‘Oh, it seems amusing.” I could see was ‘not a bit amused. Carrie and I took him down-stairs, but the table was a wreck. There was not a pen of champagne left—not even a sandwich. Mr. Perxurr said 4 — souing, but wonld like a glass fi soto a —- ae. e syphon was empty. Carrre said, ‘‘ We have plenty of po wine left Mr. Perxurr said, with a smile, “No thank you. I really require nothing, but I am most pleased to see you and your husband in your own home. Good nigh Mrs. Poorrr—you will excuse my very short stay, I know. went with him to his stood | carriage, and he said, ‘‘ Don’t trouble to come to the office till twelve to-morrow.” I felt ent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrte I thought the party was a failure. Cannre said it was a great success, and I was only and insisted on my having some port myself. I drank two glasses, and felt much better; and we went into the drawing-room, where d commenced dancing. Carrie and I had a little dance, which I said reminded me of the Mansion House. She said I was a spooney old thing.

PUNCH AND “JUDITH” A LA MODE DE PARRY. An excellent performance of this, Parry’s Oratorio in London, at the St. James’s Hall, last Thursday. One of the series of Novei1o’s Oratorio Concerts, with Dr. MAcKENZIE pre- scribing—we should say, conducting. The boys made a great hit. Quite an Oratorio for holiday time, as there are so many children in it. It will, of course, be given again in the Christmas , vacation. In his preface to the Book of the Words the Composer gives the reasons (quite unnecessary) for select- »° ing this “ Israelitish story,” which he < has illustrated with eg et eee a music, as it is not in the least heavy Was or tedious. Its reception was enthusi- astic; Mr. Huosert Pagry and everybody was applauded, and Dr. Mackenzizg—now wn as ‘‘the one Mac,” to distinguish him from ‘“‘ the Two Macs ”’—beamed again as he ‘* boo’d and boo’d ” to the audience,

Now and Then. (By one of the 150 Gladstonians who presented Mr. John Dillon with an Illuminated Address.) Once, I own, we looked upon Jouw Ditton As a very wicked sort of villain. Now a little touch of Party paint Makes Jony Dritow look almost a Saint. Funny the effect of GLapstonr’s ms on N

cut very low in the neck. Af ata think such a style modest. She ought to have taken a lesson Cazregrg, and covered her shoulders Party points of view of Mr.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —=—— "i | MA IDENTITY. Enthusiastic Amateur (at the National Gallery), ‘CaN YOU TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND THE NEw ‘ ConsTaBLE’?” Hibernian Officer. ‘‘Suvne it’s Mexset¥ YE MUST MANE, Sor ! FOR THE FORST TOIME THIS Week, Sor!” I cAME ON JEWTEE HERE SEASONABLE LITERATURE A LA MODE. Head of the Firm discovered. TOO ADVANCED SHEETS; Scenzs—A Publisher's Sanctum. OR, Time, December 1st, 1888. To him enter Author. Author. I have called, as I promised I would, with a MS., which I believe to be suitable to your requirements. Publisher. Most happy to receive it, my dear Sir, most happy. What is it about ? Author. It is a story intended for a Summer Number—for your next year’s Summer Number. Publisher. M Song Sir, that was distributed last November. But what is it about? Author. I ca May Day in India.” Publisher. Turn it into “* Christmas Eve at the North Pole,” and perhaps we may be able to find an ort for it. Author. Well, the task is not impossible. I have carried out similar transformations. But what would you do with it in its amended form ? Publisher. Why, pop it into our Chriat- mas Annuai for 1 90, which is now ins forward state of prepara aan Author. Surely you are a little early ? Publisher. Not at all—next year we shall produce our Christmas Annuai in June! And now, my dear Sir, having our business, I am sure you will forgive me if [ withdraw. Fact is, we are just now busy launching our Contemporary M which we have decided to call The onan, First Century ! [Exit h TO MY HAIRDRESSER. (Not to make Conversation.) You tell me that the day is aie You say my hair is getting Anon you proffer me Or comment on my tender sk Good friend, for goodness’ = I prithee only cut A hair. For think—a shy, retiring man, I shun the toilet’s — _ Until my Cousins Reproach me for a Perfect Fri ight. And must I bear, too shy to snu The babble of your Toilet Club ?” I know, for every day for years I’ve scann’d the glass with careful eye, Whether the heaven clouds or clears, Whether the roads are wet or dry ; Indeed, indeed, I do not care Whether you think it foul or fair. And why observe, with honied zest, What men by many phrases ca a «> hase which must be dubb'd at best nduly intellectual ? What hes my er’ = omg shine, That is no business of —_ you, when, in your oe swathed, I cower beneath th harrowing comb, Or crouch, in pronto lather bathed, Beneath the hose’s numbing foam, Or bear, while tears unbidden gush, The rigours of your softest brush,— Ti xyes, at such a time as this, Th “ii pe wi nai | runs, e of bygone days of bliss rip Ligh htly from a stranger’s tongue ? What if your victim stood at bay, And told you you were bald or grey ? The head you handle like a block, And brand with slightin, comments cool, Has bravely borne the batt And starr’d the y, old walls at ‘shed Has Badly trained a Bishop’s yy wrist, And badl wydnee he s fis They were r J py ie and rao then, But only chubby, scrubby boys; And now they ’re grave and reverend men. ue those remember’d joys, And grieve that evil should be said About my own, my only h io TiKee are nought to me ; aap aly views a the weather : we could "That és aro neither na nor leather. Be ’tis the nobler plan, An stint ‘your chatter, if you can. Goopy Txa-SHors.—The latest fad in the way of fashion from the United States is the fancy of a fale peoveliee who Des Rowecy “avignsd tat dala of sharon slippers, designed for a tea, she has 4. f- - , Can eac af ner ton tose provided with as & sepe- rate pocket of kid in which it rests like a in the elongated pouch of a glove.” [Decemerr 15, 1888, | nger Evidently an »sthetic young lady this, wi with quite 0 peoutiar conception of the v wandr, ee SO zoe | com orp tO 4 oS

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Decempgr 15, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, i eae Ls a (ee ja jy “i ini = 4 i 1 Sis eae eden ct on li ; ys G30) hoe Lap ily ] l ist House of Commons, Monday Night, December 3.—‘‘ Monsignor |” as familiar » Commons. «eit me poo of beholding “it’s G. 0. M. 5 if he F Bene flitted down Corridor, making for House f will the Conservative Party have the your wraith?” ily making e lunge at-my tal with it is I,”’ said the gieiy aging oinaee at my with his umbrella, as off a but serviceable from a tree. ht I was down at Hawarden? So I was; went tired ; might leave Autumn well for t day or two; etters by the dozen, post- Twenty-first Century. | one - acquaint- e- use. ALFOUR as off ~% ever ; papers arrived, con- could stand it no salary to be vo wit ] Mani Lule rif * ih it i i Sh MIMO io lh (He Wis iN 1 | Boo for “yj | Kl a RF Se 4 " x a ‘(We ie le | vaall / pei aoe over everything from beginning. Couldn't awarden with business buzzing on at West- minster ; so jumped into train, and here I am. Ta-ta. Just going to opportunity for goin ace another week at ALFOUR.” Booing for Batrour all round. Extis began it; Heaty took part in it; Drtxow had his say; and Trevetyan gave a brief history of Srexcen’s administration. G. O. M. beat everybody in vi = -— vivacity. ed to say something new about Mitche BaLrour e t the shot which slew LonercaN was a po Photographs taken on the spot show that Lonwzrcan was in direct line with barrack window when shot fired. ‘* Were the Lay aX taken by ricochet ?” roared GLADSTONE, ee half across the table, and literally glaring upon the pensive ALFOUR, “* Capital idea,” said Marte-Bionpett. ‘Shall add a new wing to our Mammoth establishment, and advertise photographing by ricochet, Sure to take.” Baxrour, as usual, best at bay; received no Aye he asked for up half a dozen times ; agile, adroit, brilliant to none; be on

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- | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ———_ (Decemsen 15, 1888, his defence, but ever on the offensive, slashing out right and left. No ricochet shots for him. Business done.— Irish Estimates in Supply. Tuesday.—GLApsTone yesterday, GraNDoLra to-day. “Which do you like best ?” I asked Op Moratrrr. ‘*I’m past caring,” he said, with a weary sigh. ‘* You know what is written in the copy - book : * The Crushed Worm doesn't ask which Wheel did it ?’” Granpoirn’s attack delivered by old familiar war-way of the Soudan. Srannore complains that it was an amb House ostensibly met to discuss salary and expenses of Chief . Exxs has moved Amendment, cutting off BaLrovr’s coals. ‘* But, first of all,” says Tru Heaty, “ let’s d him over them.” Process began last night, was to have been continued as soon as Srzaker could be got out of Chair to-day; when Granpo_rn suddenly and unexpec- tedly appears on scene ; moves Adjournment, and attacks Government in rear; GLap- stone, gladder than ever he came to town, holds them in check in front. Plan of Cam- paign re considered and laboriously worked out. Leading elements secresy and surprise. **House may not like this sort of thing, Tony,” Grawpotrn said. ‘* May talk about underhand popedings, hitting below the belt, and that; but if I can get my respected leaders in a hole, I don’t mind what = _—— of England oe me. e MARKIsS ts t he . can do without me. e 1 see.” Photographed by Ricochet. Surprise complete. Consternation profound; even danger of defeat in the division lobby. Stannore came out well; most diffi- cult position and best speech since he’s been a Minister. When he sat down, an awkward pause. No one quite ready to take sides either with Graypotrm or against. Noxan obligingly rattled away. Gotpswortsy, holding out his hat as if he were about to take up a subscription for the Sick and Wounded, besought the Government to ‘‘be firm.” Harcourt, with unusual timidity, felt the way; and finally the G. O. M., having had time to think matter over, and look at it all round, threw up his A cap for Gxanpotrn. A big division ; some anxious moments; a majority of forty-two for Government, and disappointment for GRANDOLPH. “T thought we should have run them closer than that,” he said. ‘‘ But it will serve. Only I wish we had the Markiss in this House, instead of on the other side of the corridor. I suppose they told you of the m he sent me when I let him know he should hear from me shortly in the House of Commons? ‘ Dear Ran- DOLPH,’ he wrote, ‘I assure you you can’t intimidate me by any amount of worrying of W. H. Smiru.’ That’s him: utterly selfish.” Business . — RANDOLPH on the Rampage. Thursday.—Curse oF CAMBORNE muttering all over the House. Had spent some time in framing one of half a dozen questions; succeeded, after laborious effort, in making it what he thought attractive; handed it in at table; got up early this morning to enjoy sight of it in rint and anticipation of putting it in House ; Srevkree Bad severely sub-edited it; taken out all the bad language, the innuendoes, insinuations, accusations. This is what the E calls ‘‘emasculating” his question. Rises to make complaint; shows tendency to get behind Srxaker’s decision by ing out full terms of original composition. Speaker too quick for him. ‘ Order! order !”’ he thundered, in a voice with which the Cursg is not un- familiar. But he stumbled on. “I wish to explain “Order! order! Put the Question!” says the Speaker. ar ” says the Curse, and sits down pouting like spoiled ild. Business getting further in the rearthan ever. Votes accumulate ; opportunity of dealing with them decays. Time being shorter than ever, and business more pressing, Sack of Queen Anne’s Gate moves Adjournment, and proposes to matter at length. The Grand (i BP» “a f 5 yi} % * Drop in a sovereign |” Young Garpyer (where’s his Wife?) smiles at the claims of Ox Mora.ity to have conducted affairs on business principles. CHAPLIN, recovering from depres- sion in which he was plunged by abandonment of Bill creating Minister of Agriculture, girds at the Sacre, and mounting high horse ambles round the House; sparkling speech of neatly written-out impromptus. But Cuapio has fallen on evil times. Present House doesn’t care for his pompous periods and his antique mannerisms. ** Disraevi-and-Ditchwater,” says Sir Toomas Actanp, retired Member, up on rare visit. Sat in House fifty years ago; remembers real and undiluted thing. Harcourt—a sort of supe- rior Cuaptin —had his fling. Then Op Moratity trotted out references to ‘‘ duty,” “the country,” “‘ convenience of House,” and /2 so on. Said his say. Resolution withdrawn, and House got to work. Business done.—Committee of Supply. ‘riday.—‘‘ Why is the Hon. Dapasnor Naorost like the devil?” asks Groner Exxior, Junior, coming in after dinner (‘*‘ GzorcE Exuuior, Junior,” says Fotxestonz, ‘has inherited from Gronce ELLiot, pére, a per- : ennial after-dinner look, that grows a trifle Disraeli-and-Ditch- accentuated towards eleven o’clock at night.”’) _ water. ‘Order! Order!” I said, not, I trust, altogether without reminiscence of the deeper chest-notes and sterner manner of the Speaker. ‘“‘ It’s all very well for the MaRrkIss, . pester ' — and jeers, to — slightingly of our fellow- subjects from the far } It is, I suppose, an outcome of Unionist prin- ciples. But obscure people, like you and me, dear Grorce, must be very careful.” j “Tt isn’t an insult—it’s a conun- drum.” : “Oh, very well,” I said, much molli- fied. ‘‘ Then I give it up.” ‘* Why is the Hon. Dapasror Naorost like the devil? Because he’s not so black as he’s painted.” j After this, proceedings in House > seemed quite lively, although the busi- ness under discussion was none other than Employers’ Liability Bill. Debated it till midnight. Braptaven created some sensation by going over to Gentle- men of England. ‘An early attachment, Tony,” he pleaded. ‘‘ You remember how they used to clutch me on the way to the head of the stairs? They’ve got me now, and I never will desert them.” Business done.—Debate on Employers’ Liability Bill. SIX OF ONE AND HALF-A-DOZEN OF THE OTHER. (Some little way after Mortimer Collins.) [It is stated that in Cornwall all sorts of flowers, from magnolia to mignon- ette, are still in full bloom in the open air, whilst another corres t says that a hen “‘ cut-throat” sparrow belonging to him has taken to laying eggs. Og, Summer said to Winter, | For I now bring slop instead of ** Earth-lovers love me best ; snow, 80 ;) For I flush the mead, and I fill the | (Which comes in June, or mostly And roses and noses at Christmas A Conundrummer. rl ’ And the violet and the daffodil, blow, (don’t know, And the red, red rose o’er the| And the birds their nesting-time world I spill ; | But lay in December—a pretty go! And my dawns are cool, and my| And your azure skies, and your eves are chill ; sunny glow And don’t I ran up the doctor’s| Are silly hae A of long ago; bill Whilst as to the Doctor’s Bills, For bronchitis and all the rest!” | oho! [trom | We are equally good at I But Winter said to Summer: | Fact is, the difference ’twixt ustwo ** Rarth-lovers best love me: | Is the purest fiddle-de-dee! Ay Artistic Cunistmas Story.—The picture of “‘ The Violinut” —a capital Storey—a good old Storey—(A.R.A.), presented by the Goldsmiths to the Guildhall Art Gallery. CH NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. Drawings, or Pictures of any deseription, will To this rule

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BSS = A F 38 3.3 -" Es PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Daceussn 15, 1888. MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878. INAHAN’S wages ia LL OLD RISK, THOLESOMR, WHISKY. PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXRIBITION, 1886, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET, LONDON, W. icpet srk of rus GUALITY oF Tas ni ‘1 Noe ILD oRISH wecny. ta saas To be had at Clubs, Hotéls, and Restaurants, and if ¢rskes of all Wholesale Wine am 5& Merchants throughout the United Kingdom and Colonies, LIQUEUR OF THE CL Gat. CHARTREUSE. THis Seliclous Tiqueaur, Which bas iately come so eek es woul. ps lic favour on see unt of am | a 3e D gest on and preventin« souk pea pe bet of a8 Ge Bee Wine nna Spirt — throughout tb , and at A con- formerly. So ¢ Comsignee, y less price 7. LOY re JJ. ee a EXSHAW & GOS ‘FINEST OLD BRANDY. tte. per dos. in Cages as imported. 1 W. Srartetom & Co. 3, Regent Street, W. MADE WITH BOILING WATER, y P's CRATEFUL—COMFORTING, OCOA MADE WITH BOILING MILK. JAMES YRUMZ Aid Did NEAVE’S FOOD FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE AGED, BEST AND aero FURS FOR A2 GENTLEMEN. A lafge selection of FUR-LINED COATS always of show, , ae pritea Varying from to £50, and in the execution of orders punctualtty May be relied on, THE INTERNATIONAL | 5. FUR STORE, 163, REGENT 67., LONDON, CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. A PERFECT WALKING STICK PERFECT “CIGAR CASE. ER” RAZOR STROFPING MACHINE very way, ny te re. 4 is dence, or skill Street, London LEA & PERRING’ = ae ae and Genuine wonistenshine SAUCE Mg , ’ a 1 ned TS | Gonnd tases and Sicintlinp Minions 2 Wee Recesthoet tha Weel “WELOOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY.” Of ai Dealers. Heware of Imitations. Manufactared by T. GRANT & SONS, MAIDSTONE. SPECIFIC sesescccccccce * tn ‘Tong gafie ceeseecesqoens, ve im all those cases ia which aud see , Worcester, In meee or ——_— to In wALAGee, ae ort sns to held 6 Cigars or We yy 17s. At all Stick ance anc, Shops, and Wholesale of L. M. DAVIS, ot GREAT WINCHESTER ‘aT REET, to Whom P.0.0., with ta. entra for carriage, mey be sent in cme of = in obtaimng them re. id 6 Cigars or POWELL'S BALSAM ANISEED, For ore ns, throughout papal Sats &ec. ew 4 oa ieee de over vor ii feoms, QUOM AS POWELL(LAA. ) Black ges 24. Lender. prescribed it. ae ay Paces. 2s. Od. 40. Od., amd COLT’S DOUBLE-ACTION Joion les. coLT’s vines nite 66. 14. Pall Ma!) 1ondon6.W. GOLDER .BPORER , eis cn be Ww. ih ol aay, covous “7, ‘Onsens Price 64. 66., Ws. 64.,2k6. For unung grey or a) Mair AKAN E is nvaiuadic. H. HARRIS’S HARNESS COMPOSITION SAUDLS FACTE Bold by all Grocers, afd Ironmongers. Maéfufactory: PLATES BLACKING Warzsrscer), For gra 4 Harness, end Mac x Lew roxisuiys Fags® “THE REAL CUP 0’ KINDNESS.’ Perfect Finé Old Whiskies, in thele Native or » &8 produced in tlan basal Untampered with. showy tas, 12 Years’ Old. “fusion” toed. a LUXURY IN PURE SCOTGH WHISKIES, Name, Brand, and Registered Trade Mark, B.O.S. BOOTOH. —B8o harmonious in evenly balanced —S8o deli- toned—A flavour so rare—So tanta- y ayers on the Palate— Possessing character 60 novel and so entirely ite own, that it may fairly claim the ver first place among high-class stimulants. Cleve r judges pronounce it “ unique and unrivalled is oe petals Blending com cate! B.O.8. is remarkable for ita “ delicions individuality of flavour,” mellowness and softness on the palate. Twelvé Years Old 50s. per Dosen. ” ” d ” 428. Chrriage Paid cn Gases of 1 dos. and dpwarts, 8.0.8. is sold im are white labelled capsuled. — Cases charged 2. Dosen, allowed f when returned, A gt Dosen pte | for empty é. 0. The Pro etors ski blenders ot Beoteh whiskies. *: oon are at sy ite appreciation by that will send a single pl 4 Paid, Cwatt Ay *| ote,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Decemner 15, 1888. SAMUEL BROTHERS. mn TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS. Messrs. SAMUEL BROTHERS manufacture and hold ready for immediate use a Stock of High-Class character. This includes Eton Suits for School or College wear, and many exclusive novelties in Surrs and Over. COATS. Special designs, suitable for Juvenile Parties, Balls, &c., have been prepared in Plushes, Velveteens, Superfine Cloths, &., &o, Seen 65 & 67, LUDGATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. (ONLY ADDRESS.) CATALOGUE AND PATTERNS FREE. =! “ Covar” Sore. “Pauwtisnor” Burr. “Rovat” Sort. “Jacn Tan” Reeves. & “Care” Ovencoat. Under the direct Patronage of E.M. The GUZEN. TAMAR eyor and lm al Warrant, Perv “a og ebrics to the Families of and the Rank and Fashion of the World oF BOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS AND A LAKATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENCE, VERY AGREEABLE TO TAKE. Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite INDIEN ee eel E. GRILLON, 69, Queen Street, City, London. FOR CONSTIPATION, Gastric and Intestin troubles, Headache arising from them. DRUGGISTS, 28. Gd. A BOX, Lage ely TESTIMONIAL te MILWARDS CALYX- EYED MEEDGES, which require no abe to sate m although the work hs me t! except onally heavy kind), 1 have broken only three and yey 8 the thread through the elit oe ony about as mes —A. B, Br gnton.” ple pack wet free from | Wasnford Mills, Kiedis Reddiich. a VICHY}. GRANDE-GRILLE, iiiss*on mse CELESTINS, "Sitccmation) Dinvetes, ac: HOPITAL. For Stomach Complaints. HAUTERIVE, An excellent Taste Waren. aay ee > = - Carriage Paid on Orders of 20s. and above to any part of the United K ingdom. No Acoerts on Mipoie- Men Eurcoren. EGERTON BURNETT, Wellington, Somerset, England. STOVES TERRA-OCOTTA! PORTABLE! FOR COAL! Rossers’s (lursoven) Parewr. Pure and any heat 4 hours for about ld , without attention or Hedrooms, Greenhouses, &c., 4c Pamphiet and testimonials sent. In use daily at Patentec’s, T. ROBERTS, 113, Vroresnm Sr., Weerwiwersa. MAPPIN & WEBB’S DRESSING BAGS. De eee G COUGH. —ROCHE’S usin efiectua: cure Lay ee esale Agents, W W hos Eowaaps & Son, 67 Victoria Street (formerly of @, St. Paul's Chureh- yard). Sold Price 4s. per bottie FOR ASTHMA &C DATURA TATULA FOR SMOKING AND INHALATION. SAVORY & MOORE, London, And of Chemists everywhere. & B. PEACOCK’S ROYAL. pO HARTER _ SOLD 70 BACCO. ONLY. IN LEATHER BLACK HANDLE IVORY Do. HOLLOW asd ALL DEALERS OR omeot RAZOR FROM ENGLISH DEPOT. e 138 DIGBETH, BIRMINGHAM CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 82 PRIZE MEDALS. ANNUAL CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS 25,000,000 Ibs. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. ny Ruréoyne 5 (Lustialica Sine Gal ed a iShares o'Utarli: Ohi tastn etewneen, Beseate le ae

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Fite Fil 5 Wf PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. aL e * Mr. Punch’s Victorian Era. 1,0:cc Cartoons, Three Fine 4to Volumes. 42/- John Leech’s Pictures. 90 pages. Three Volumes, 1/11/6; or One Volume, 28/- Charles Keene’s Pictures of Our People, Printed in red & black. 21/- G. D. Leslie, R.A.— Our Riwer (The Thames). 55 Ullustrations. 12/6 so — ee GD \ St ) \ - + ove ot COME == “(28 2869.3) see ee se ST wt - SS Q 2 een f/f | it. Millay ‘ ore ty 4 ie Si | i ay) ot NWI OA “tp: Nii eas’ uf ili ih si ! BT 4A |b : PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, ~ AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. (HRI oTMAS “Happy Thoughts” Birthday Book. § Profuscly Mosrated, } 9/6 M.P.’s in Session (from “ Punch”), By HARRY FURNISS. Quarto, 5/- Books Handley Cross Series, Lexcu’s I1usrrations. 6Vols.,cloth, 4/4/-; half moro., 5/12/6 ' | Handy Volume “Waverley,” in Case, 45/-; “Scott” (s2it?,,), in Case, 63/- “SON3d S334¥HL 391d Registered at the Gemeral Post Ufice as s Newspaper.) 4

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hice OR —— LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemser 22, 1888. = NEW BOOK BT KH. RIDER HAGGARD. COLONEL QUARITCH 0 COLONEL EL QUARITCH. | v.C. By H. RIDER HAGGARD, Tee Tree Ro fur as sucess can be secured for & Bevel by an cary ond pleturcequr style by « pretty genee of hamour and hamen fxibi-s by an imaging ten impetic tof iishondage by a sener f oremetic Store od Ouraeeou- pre erence for startling fncident Colo +! Qua ltch wil. be cuceenefal The closing act 0: -xcitemenmt worthity éi@eree- ates ihe bout from « buadred others London: LONOMANS, GHYEN, @ OO CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR'S CIFTS. CASSEL’ 8 CuMPLETE CATALOGUE LLUSTRAT?D), contain tf articuiors of & of OWE TuoUsAS Mesers ASSELL @ wards ved fr m THERIEPENCE te TWENTY-FIVE GUINEAS, will be sent om request roer raas TO 4 spp eESS. CASSRLL & COMPANY, LIMITED, Ladgete Hill, London “OUR NEIGHBOURS.” PARTRIDGE & COOPER, " STATIONERS, 192, FLEET STREET. THE MATRIMONIAL HERALO AND FASHIONABLE MARRIAGE GAZETTE « the eviginal end omiy ied Introductions, The ‘argo aa Matrimo ial Agency im ress Editor rnvpione, 44 —Add Ptrect. London, W 4 TO STOUT PEOPLE. ferpsey Toes toys)" Mr. Russell's aim is to PRadicate, to cons the disease, and thet his treat- ment is the true one seems beyond eli doubt. The medicine he preecribes poms Bot LowWRA, BUT BUILDS Ur *D TONES THE eteTeEx.” Mook (16 pages) with recipe end notes how to atly Oneerry (average ah first post free 6 stamps Y. 6. BUSSELL, Woburn House, Store Street, Bedford Square, London, W.¢. LEANNESS or FATNESS. The in vestigations of e German Physician, ectentific res arch, in reducing corpule cy Lf ut the «lig test denger, bav~ ied toe the further die cover, of a meens of utting Geeh ov thi) persons, and genera: dev-iopment of fyure, except in boeal ither pampniet. in baviish, fee or one fat or ean. Manager, Ohomberg 118. Rewent Street, London. W “week @ ine.) natitute, A HUMANE TELEPHONE— « *-ople who suffer from deafness and noises in the hea will be gind to hear thaten eminent Aural ppectaiist of London hes hit apon a cure which is said to be abso utely efficacious, and may be applied at the patient's home it isa miniature Telephone, which fits inside the ear itis not only & producer of sound, but also a cure for the distressing noises in the head. Being comfortable to wear, if will no a be mtg bye A pamph let deveribing ted, and may be hed fom bedford Square, London, W.C. doubt be its construction the ~ 2. Price “A DAILY TREAT.” TOWER TEA, SOLD IN EVERY TOWN, HOP? AOR USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES, ~ BEST FOOD INFANTS. In Tins, 1s., Os., be. and 10s. each. SAVORY & MOORE, Lonoox PEPTONIZED GOGOA AND MILK cstent + allenstnynre For gg > tae Wetincas 7 4 bre and Be ed 2. oe each, con Ft SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON. GOLD MEDAL, 1884. icious Flavour. MAPPIN & WEBB'S TABLE KNIVES, SAMUEL BROTHERS. Boys’ wrt Yourms’ Cuctuise. They will also be t Wea SAMUEL BROTHERS, MERCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTEMS, &c., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpon, E.C. LOHSE’S (MAIGLOCKCHEN) LILY OF THE VALLEY PERFUME LUGGAGE, PASSENGER, 4c. For HOTELS, MANSIONS, &c. UFTS|=== =: CLARK, BUNNETT &CO.,Lim., RATHBONE PLACE, W. MAPPIN & WEBB'S HOLLOW GROUND SHEFFIELD 2:2", London, or from the Manufactory Biect ‘Hanale ae te. 04. "Fel capelor is oii Version SSID gt" oun, racToRs TURKISH PASTILS * Through all my travels few things as Set once in Burope, at Press & Loam Shop."—Lady W Montague Ladies who admire a * Breath of Flowers should takes Past. lnight and morning & TO BS OptaineD OF ali as - mers and ey WORTH et GIE., UNDER ROYAL PATRONAGE. - CORSETIERES. 134, NEW BOND STREET, W. a — Delightful to use. . 5 Leaves the mouth in a state (ag of delicious and durable freshness, Wholesale only, 51, Parra Srarer, Lonpos, W- | Orr’s Patent 18, Poultry, £.0., | without HOWARD BEDFORD PORTABLE RAILWAY ECORATE D your HOMES! The henuey of Stain of Stained Glass in every house | can be enjoyed by using M‘Oaw, Stevenson & GLACIER WINDOW DECORATION. It can be epplies to any window by any perscs | experience in the use yi Fy | Invaluable where there are windows with disagreea! | a Wee t for llustrated Pamphiet (300 [lustrations) and s free, One . from the Manufae- | OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL OnE OF THE MOST BOONOMICAL | FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDOy THE BEST GLYCERINE SOAP, “PURE WHITE” Softens and preserves the *kin and Complexion, WHITAKER & GROSSMITH, 22, SILK Si KEET, CITY, LUNDON ls. 64. of a/] Vendors, Post Free direct, and of Lownes Soar Co . 107, New Rond Street, FOR CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR'S CIFTS, Both ng is more -aicable than ARENT’ celevrated MANDARIN RAZORS, and his universally « GEM AIR GUNS. Inpumerabie testimonials pronounce ba former to be the best, most reliable, easiest, pa ah high: ee a known. They are "tay warrant im give perfect satisfaction XRBEND'S GEM AIR CUNS have, lke most god =e *, been followed by imitations, which, nt, are offered |. me article. Those wis me by reliable, powgrful, effective weil Gem Air Guns, should inslet E.. having those marked with a Suess Cross, thus They may be had at the same prices > the vihest imitations made, throdgh any respectable dealer, of direct where bie otherwise. Insist upon having with every = my Deseriptive Circulars, giving full jeulars prices, &c., P. A. Cmanuze Srazer, BIRMINGHAM. FRUIT "2 TREES 74 Acres. Arm 20 Acres. BUSHES 8s. doz. 60s. 1 4@ Prucking and Carriage Pree for Cash with Order. ORNAMENTAL TREES, 91 Acre Ss. 4 ACRES of GLASS. CLEMATIS (80,000), 12s., 18s., and 24s. per doz. ROSES (in Pots), from 15s. per doz. SEEDS & Vegetable, Flower, BULBS and Farm. DESCRIPTIVE LISTS FREE. RICHARD SMITH & C0, WORCESTER. LAIRITZ'S CELEBRATED PINE-WOOL PRODUCTIONS. 4 o origin —————oS.———— aan 12 Medals, including Stloer Medal at Barcelona. Established 1853. FLANNELS, VESTS, PANTS, BELTS, KNEECAPS, &c. for Prevention and Cure é-., Govt, ee COLDS, &. pers. lrincipal Retail A its s— kK. vas a Con 2, Strand, W. _——. Beret, H. Sampson 33. Queen Victoria Street, Ec. ' Lis cone ee Avents sent on application to ICH, MARGETSON « CO., pe , London, who are Wholesale Agents MILWARDS’ NEEDLES. CALYX PA Moo We EYED PATENT Observe Sampie the name Tuaesp Packets on Cys Syet wirsour . and take Tuneso- WASHFORD MILLS, REDDITCH. none other. ated

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TE” mplexion. ‘MITH, ‘DON Lol Lowen | t, Dos

Decempzr 22, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 289

SCENE FROM GREAT CLASSICAL DRAMA.

4

Sempronius Lessepsius. “‘’Tis not in mortals to command success, —-—’ Portius Cladstonius. “But we'll do more, Lesszerervs. We'll deserve it! CON HOME byliiitl” New : - : Ox) wen Ht | p either moustache or beard.” Let the , . wifl iil! ANAMA perty Defence manque lees to this infringement of To personal freedom. If a man and a ’s hirsute adorn- CANAL <3 Cs BARE-FACED TYRANNY. Ir is stated in an evening that “* The Clerks in a cuz. well-known Bank in the Strand are not pun Oo ew berty and

ments are not to be recognised as his own “* ,” and en, indeed, ownershi: i ‘|| freedom its last buttress, Let no shaven slave of draconic '| bureaucracy henceforth be tempted to render Oberon’s lovely lines in thts fashion :— I know a Bank wherein no brave beards grow, Where clean lips and shorn cheeks unwhiskered show ; Lips with no moustachios fine, — Lg ~e! not ot at ’s” trim line. ere as Herb pve Cano rns ole m each to shave, co) i And. on ebill winter mornings, cut his chin, And to his desk come blue, with a sore heart—and skin ; This Bank ’s Bi kindly were they, and wise, Would drop all Suck icepotis p ad me A New Cast Drury peu —Lest Qtanteg night t gay young buster, Lord NALD WER, a gigantic plaster (of Paris) cast of SHARSPEARE’s head and shoulders to Drunrotanus Macnvs. The cast, which Lord Ronatp has had in his eye, with this object in view,

for some time is as white as a ghost, and at first it was su t it was intended as a likeness of Lord Mayor WuireneaD. Drvnioianus doesn’t yet know what he shall do with it, but much gratified on being presented by Mr. ARD Boyne, on behalf of the Drury Lane ay with a handsome silver flagon. The gift was signification, and yet there was

” [Exeunt.| nothing in it.

aL e®

SELECTION OF THE FITTEST. THE expression, in certain quarters, of fears that at the forth- coming Election of Members for the newly constituted London County Council, there will, owing to the apathy and indifference of those nearly concerned, be a decided dearth of candidates of a desir- able and ac owledged respectability, has the publication of the subjoined brief paper of test questions. Anyone, therefore, anxious to save the rd ; 7 the reproach fee into a gigantic assembly o: i estrymen, cannot do better than scatter it among his friends. Candidates who find themselves able to answer it satisfactorily, may enter upon the contest with all con- fidence, assured that they are just the right sort of aspirants to fill the exalted office with distinction and dignity, and discharge its duties with ability and success. 1. With a view to a clear definition and establishment of your unquestioned social status, furnish your pedigree, in direct male descent, for not less than twelve generations, and state :— A—Whether you are a Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, or only an ordinary ; B—If you have ever been Lord Chancellor, Archbishop of Can- terbury, or Commander-in-Chief ; or. C—Have discharged the duties of Prime Minister, Chancellor of the Exchequer, of State for War, or of any other important post in which you are likely to have become so acquainted with the routine of official work as to guarantee in some measure, your fitness for undertaking the respon- sibilities attaching to the position of a London County Councillor. 2. If so, state all you know about a steam-roller. Draw a plan on a scale of 3 inches to a foot of ‘‘a Compton’s twenty ton compound reversible granite-crusher,” furnace all, and explain. A—What action the Parish is to take, if by some mischance it crashes through a shop-front and embeds itself in the base- ment, to get it out again, and B—How you would propose to deal with it, with advantage to the Ratepayers’ interests, when it is thoroughly worn out. 3. A generous and impulsive Master of a Workhouse takes all the paupers in his establishment to the Dress Circle at Drury Lane to witness an afternoon of the Christmas Pantomime, and further treats them to a champagne tea on their return from the enter- tainment. Should the expenses entailed by the above come out of the yers’ pockets? If so, state why, and wanes Gee saa ifying the broad Sete between the money- rabting hearted benevolence of the new County of rm

cheese- thropic and Councillor in their probable respective methods of dealing with the foregoing case. 4. How do you make fant If considered unpalatable and rejected by the inmates of the Union, would you be red to recommend that its place be supplied by Real Turtle, ‘Liebig’s Extract, Arrowroot, or by some patent farinaceous and nutri- tive compound ? i 80, give your reasons why. 5. The tenant occupying No. 37 in a certain terrace writes to the Authorities complaining of the condition of the dust-bin of his neighbour, No. 38. The dust-cart is Cupetiee forthwith, but the dustman, mistaking his instructions, y notes the dust-bins of Nos. 7 and 15. Meantime, the nuisance having become intolerable, - ae oad 4 No. 37, = angered, my = the intervention of e Sanitary Inspector, who, being nettled at the perem tone in which he » been , says that he can Positions offensive in the condition of the dust-bin of No. 38, nor anything in the shape of a “nuisance” on which to report. The occupier of No. 37, now exasperated, is ing the Authorities with pro- ings, when typhoid fever breaks out suddenly and simultaneously a Bo. 4, 19, 25, 39,60, and 52, and the coommer of ade F gen | - indignant letter to imes, giving a graphic history e whole affair. Is anybody to blame? If so—who/? Work this out, and indicate the sort of course a County of London Councillor could pursue with dignity in dealing respectively with A—The Dustman. B—The Sanitary Inspector, and C—The Tenant of No. 37. 6. Describe in a short poem, in blank verse, the doings of the London School Board, from its foundation up to the present date. Also analyse and examine the main features of the ‘‘ Anti-Diggle-ite Reaction,” define a ‘‘ Progressionist,” and give a short account of the earlier years of the life of Mr. MunpELa. 7. Finally, do you ride well on horseback, and make an imposing figure in the saddle? Answer this, and append a list of any other notably aristocratic ¢ which you happen to be endowed ee Ny ayn after you aay peretied Be tp 8 ey _ uestions, will, in your opinion, you greater a an presence, to discharge the exalted duties bye ay you in your Sitingulshed position as a London County, Councillor.

‘Tuxrt! Tuxirr! Horatio.”—Lord Mayor Torrepo has put off the Children’s Fancy Ball and the sazione in with the Home for Little ozo becouse of Tosente of the drainage at the Mansion House. While the Munching House is being deodorised, why can’t Guildhall be utilised ? No show, no ball, no conversazione ! Soon there ’ll be no Lord Mayor. Torpid Torrrpo, this won't do.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decumsmr 22, 1888. NOTICE TO QUIT. “ The City Lands Committee has decided to demolish Newgate Prison and the adjoining Old Bailey Sessions House. Trade will quickly exorcise the ghost of Newgate, as has Fashion the shade of the Tyburn gibbet ; and the sooner the better.’’— Times. Atin—‘‘ Unfortunate Miss Bailey.” Newgate sings :— Commitree bold, you ’ll drive us then from old-established quarters, Old friend, farewell! for you and I accounts must once for all close. Near where the Smithtield carnifex the ox no longer slaughters. | Ab me! how I regret the days of wigs and velvet small ! -clo Our wicked conscience smiteth us, we lose our stomach daily, | The days whea body-snatching chaps the sexton seneres gat ; yr I near an unregretted end, and so do you, Old ey How long will men remember me, or you, my poor Ol Oh! Old Bailey, unfortunate Old Bailey ! Oh! Old Bailey, unfortunate Old Bailey! I recollect the days of wholesale hanging and gaol-fever, | Ah! when I think of Mrs. Fry, and you of stout Jonn Howanrp, When I was grim and you were gay ; such times won’t last for ever. I’m sure you feel remorseful, and I know I feel a coward. Like Pluto I drop iron tears, and your lank cheeks go palely ; y ancestor the Gordon rioters cremated gaily, No wonder! Ghosts around us slower such horrid ghosts, Old Bailey! But ours is a worse fate, for it is final, poor Old Bailey.' Oh! Old Bailey, unfortunate Old Bailey! Oh! Old Bailey, unfortunate Old Bailey ! Avaunt, Jack Sueprarp, with black poll, and face so white and Erect smart shops upon my site? You'd rather, so would I, burn, Grim gallows-birds, don’t gibberthere, you usemeungenteelly. (mealy. To come back like the Phenix. But we’ll share the fate of Tybarn. Avaunt, pale spectres of the hosts of victims slaughtered daily, | The times are most emasculate, they’re waxing softer on, . When men were hanged for stealing sheep, as well Be know, Old Soon they ’ll refuse to hang at all. Just think of that, Old Bailey ! Bailey. Oh! Old Bailey, unfortunate Old Bailey ! | Oh! Old Bailey, unfortunate Old Bailey!

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Decemszr 22, 1888.]

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Oh, bother Sir James Macxrytosn! Plague on Sir meer saya b a a a ame Well, well, we’ve on ye now we must say our Vale ’ too much at last for Newgate and Old Bailey. Ont Old Bailey, unfortunate Old Bailey! Now forth we fare, upon the night like Sampson Brass and Sally In Dicxuns’s description ; with our fate it seems to tall Old, hideous, unregretted, like twin spectres sooulliie ely, Two” thier = *midst shades obscene, Old New- “OM Old Old Ber, unfortunate Old Bailey ! Ye callous selfish, iS is te es teed te exam Beware how on humanity and pi s claims ye trample. Remember bad old Newgate and the Renvees dene these And i... iis Kindred | pow fe blundering and bullyi a Bailey, detestable Old

QUITE UN-BAR-ABLE. “The Hardwicke Sule (consisting of Barristers and Law Students) has unanimously condemned Seed fusion of the two branches of the legal * having Barware declared ther intention of acting ot the opinion so expressed.”—Daily Paper. Scenz— Cha.nber in the pe aes & Mr. P. Larsny, that “ rising Junior Shortly a the Meeting above referred ‘a P fer Enter Virago. Virago (taking a chair violently). I yer! or nervously), Hem! 7 poo say I have Mr. Larsny ( the pleasure—— Don’t pertend as ’ow yer don’t Virago. Oh ot acaaaantlben They calle yes the Artial r. Larsny. Highly gratifying, i m sure. But may I ask what's Mine ailenk of yore visit? I’ve bin into that vixen, Jemma Any Taxpoys, and now ’m’ for it! And I wants yer to pn nae Bw gah yo lg ee Poy te gee with gusto) ? I wants yer to tell the Jedge and Jury that I ave a right; that’s all. Mr. Larsny. But you aaa to have gone to a Solici- tor, my woman. Virago (rising; threateningly). oe let me ketch you a me a woman again, young man! Mr. Larsn behind a deal Oh no, certainly not. ‘(Asides Her ae oe +e Agee wa likely to of a contentious character. what the Ar- TORNEY-GENERAL and the Bar Committee would like me 2S a Wish some of them | b' were here Virago (sla down siz-and-eightpenc eon table vicious ly). a" s yer fee. Now, are ye a goin’ to defend me or n Larsny. Hem! Rathera small fee. (70 Virago.) I should be extremely pleased, I’m sure, to have such a client ; but, you see, if I undertake this part of your case, I ean’t defend you in Court. I can advise you, and ail but, as you’re alread oned, if ap me to to take oy vo case, "it have to— to a Solicitor, fe ag, beer contemp. That’s the PorweLd is sit, eh? any. Yes. perhaps (a ha striking ade old grudge) t ve t this adren at Lincoln pA s Inn—Mr. +d sa Chanoer I like Asm to see you. I’m sure he be fal fo efor introding hit yon Don’t ou gammon f Chancery “Tin put yer Clwed there, if yer try on me r. Larsny (aside). Realy, Gis istersioving of clients | © has its objectionable side. Wonder how Solicitors manage it. ts objectionabl reas Sone eee Oy your case.

a RED end me, o’ course. (C .) Ain’t I a right Surniture, furiously). Bar! You, 3 Say ae . wv,

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. (A WINTER HEALTH RESORT.) Enthusiastic Lady Visitor. ‘‘ WHat A DELIGHTFUL PLACE THIS 18, PROFESSOR, Anp THe BatTus, HOW PERFECT! I COULD BATHE ALL DAY—COULDN'T You!” The Professor, ‘Wet, You sen, I’M A RESIDENT, AND THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE !” Lady Visitor, ‘An! TO BE sURE. I SUPPOSE YOU NEVER EVEN THINK OF TAKING A Batu!” Virago (trying to get at Mr. Lanswy, who dodges behind various pieces of " &e., What do you know of bars? Never a-bin inside one in yer life, or ye wouldn’t ’ave a mug like a blank baker’s and | ghost, yer wouldn’t. Tell me to go toa S'l’ctor! Go there yerself, yer— CE urls a volume of abuse and the Law Reports at Mr, Lanswy’s head, takes up her money, and exit, violently knocking over the Clerk in her way out. Mr. Larsny is left ruminating as to whether personal interviews with Clients are really consistent with the dignity of the Bar or not.

An Earty wr ae have always held the talents of Sir Henny Letayp Harrison, I.C.8., Commissioner of Police and Chairman of the tion of Caloutte in > seme, but we had no idea until we read the phy of the Hon. gentleman in Don's Peerage, Baronetage, and Knightage of Brent Britain and Ireland, that his promotion had been quite so rapid as it seems to have been. According to Dop, Sir Henny, who was born in 1857, entered in 1860, (after being educated at Westminster and Christ Church, Oxford) the Indian Civil Service when he was only three years old! At ten (1867) he was Junior (very junior !) Secretary to the Government of Bengal, a ition Se relinquished at the not very mature age of “= (in 1871) to istrate and Collector of Midnapore. Seemingly he dispensed justice to the ds tisfaction of the Indian Government until he was of age (in 1878) to the post of ya ee of Revenue. A year later he was elected a Member of the Rent and at four-and-twenty (1881) appointed to the Commissionership of Police and Chairmanship of the b my tion of Caleutta, which he yi doubled” for the = benefit of that important cit in the future is as rapid as it why he should not appear in Dop as oneal a is forty orty. Finally, it is to be Sir Hewry’s birt : (which Don, it will be seen, declares to have ra in 1857) as such an error may possibly cause disappoin moe a my A prou ents of precocious ¢ who, career thus eaiiel, we y have already recognised in eee Til Gervion the best end earliest ob <4 opening for infants in arms, A Very-muvucn Marrrep May.—The “‘ Hub” of the Universe.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemuzr 22, 1888, LONDON AS SHE IS. (An Intercepted Letter.) see the Cattle Show, as I feel sure (judging from that you would not have enjoyed yourself. It has been in London, and I am ing to return to you. that I iginally staying only three days in the Met is, but I have been so terribly triste that I have li coe oS oe Ge ee a & is my . um bleby-on- ancy you will expect some account I have been doing antes my absence from that much-loved and consequently, to please I jot down a few i very a hope that you However. boy, so I p een to com) I rather fancy that that a Cuanaleas, me ngs to see a ** boxing was indeed bei held at Her Maj t, s0 t migh' send him — ill you please tell him, with my affectionate but that the Indian club exercise and some wrestling were sadly, sadly frivolous, but that the fights in the ring were stunning. To wind up matters, Jem Sire, the champi was put on to box with his little brother. I pitied his little brother! When your uncle comes to town to attend the May Meetings, he might y drop in to see ‘‘ Nadgy.” =! Monk's “Room which ar compliment 2S verend CRABAPP is not capi Hexsert Veziw ool Wittarp are excellent, cad si ALMA Murray, who seems to have discovered the secret youth. She is as comely as ever. I am afraid will miss this piece, as it is already out of the the author is a plucky gentleman who took a himself in which to produce his own play, it may be revived. Any way Mr. cnaparees cagnes Co wrung. te seems on erasing San cneeer Hall for The Monk's Room. If it is not being played in az, oe can go instead to the Empire, where we see a first-rate oot Sees bene OR —— —_ apeenk Sant e same old game being aking it round, it was ra a better day than usual, per: were treated to the evidence of Cap- tain Borcorr. The President made several amusing remarks, and Mr. Justice Saurra was also distinctly jocular, but the best things of the sitting were thought by Mr. Justice Day who, however, kept them to himself. I was much pleased with the reticence of Mr. Lockwoop, who never speaks except when it is absolutely n , and evidently does his best to avoid being . Mr. Soames looked wonderfully well, in spite of his marvellous exertions, and seemed as fresh as has been admirably prepared. Mr. Granaue the whole of the sitting, but, in spite of his Hewny James and the Arronney-Generat really seemed to get on very nicely without him. a now, my dear Wife, I —— [eo en to a close, as I ve i t appointments to at ’s (a meeting-house to Rixeter name which has been jm» xeter ane the Pelican ay we of . to -known Sunday et i —\ given a ) 1 hasband, see you Tommy “ALL HAIL, MACBETH!” remain, Your ever te Grand Hotel, Trafalgar Square, W.C. Tus revival of Macbeth at the Lyceum is until after Christmas. It will be brought out Saturday, ber 29. Weare indebted to a private and y y source follow ing i , exclusively communicated to our Representative :— : is in writing for’ W. 8.’ — Wr.tisM Se4KsrEake—without the ‘G.’!” As towhether any of the original music will be used, the answer is, that Sir ARTHUR’s keys won't fit the old Locke. _For the finish of Scene 2, Act IL., after the murder of Duncan, Madeth end. Lol Mockth othe ke nk Sao off. This is one of the Reelistic eflecto Whiskey will be served at the banquet. There is a great com uiag eons shverionts & oats the article. The combat between Macduff Macheth will be of so terrific a LYBOOTS. My Dean Wrre,—I am so glad I did not bring you up to Town to my own experience} You will remember oe on first letter since I left Fills i ills. Perchance, as about entertainment in despair. They won’t be “in it” with The Two Macs at the Lyceum. ne ay a = A written by W. 8., has been restored to the text by Mr. Franx McMarsnatt, who will not, as previously arranged, Macbeth and Macduff at the Lyceum. play Banquo’s Ghost. Macduff retorts on Macbeth, who is shouting at him, and brandishing his sword of the period :— “TIT will not be Put down by claymore ! ” It is finally settled that Mrs. Lanerry, Miss Vioter Camxron, and Miss Mavp Mrtuer will not appear as the Three Witches. : The proposal made by Mr. Cremer, of Oxford Street, to practically ine, ‘‘all is but toys ” (Act II., Scene 3), was, on con- sideration, declined with thanks. : There are two medical men in Macbeth, One an English Doctor, | and the other a Scotch. Each will be ‘‘ made-up ” after well-known | celebrities. The Scotch practitioner in attendance on Lady Macbeth, | will be an easily recognisable portrait of another great ‘‘ Mac,”— | in fact “‘ the very moral” of him. Miss Enten TeRRy will not adopt | the costume with which we are familiar in the picture of Mrs. Srppons | as Lady M.,with a handkerchief round her face, suggestive of mumps, toothache, or of “‘ holding her jaw.” oe A new reading has been introduced by the MacManrswace in | Act IV., Scene 1., The Witches’ Cave, when Macbeth on entering, | will look at the cauldron, give a significant sniff, as if relishing the savour of national cookery, and exc _ “ How now, you secret, black, and midnight Haggis!’ He will be then, in dumb show, invited to partake of the favourite ever. By universal consent it is admitted that the case of the Times | dish was not t during | comin ahanete, Sir Ish. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. CuxisTmas ENTERTAINMENT FOR ScHOOL CHILDREN.—The reso- | lution of ‘‘ Vicak”’ to attempt to produce, with the limited means at his dis the grand Opera of Faust as a Christmas treat for his outhful parishioners, does infinite credit to mp enersy and resource. The idea of substituting for the fiend Mephistopheles the genial figure of Punchinello, out of regard for the tender and n theological scruples of his audience, is a happy one, but we bt if he will find the fine musical effects of the and Fourth Acts satisfactorily rendered by a full chorusof three. His plan for repre- senting the Apotheosis of Marguerite is a capital one, but we would warn him to be careful that the steps, clothes-horse, and arm-chair, which he is going to -r into requisition for the purpose of producing the effect in question, do not give way. vier : BRokEN ExoacEmmnt.—You were corteinly justified the remark of your future father-in-law in little famil on the eve of your wedding, to which you refer ink, have given your case a better look in the had not first torn his coat off his back, and then window. His offer to “square” the assault on pay for a pion 6 the yeidios breakfast, mean, might, per under tained by 7 betg Soy A. course, Wi our é, " etiquette invariably followed on such occasions in the best It is a pity that the three clergymen were kept waiting at the two hours and a half before any one thought of informing ceremony had been a med ; but their fees, let them have a Solicitor’s ‘letter to our character that The Two Macs will probably give up their knock- them they must do it through want to recover

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Ducempar 22, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 393

PLAY-TIME. Hands Acrose the Sea, Se Riioteems of the Priseess'o is angitaliy played. Young Hewry Neviize is first-rate as the he popular than ever. See him floor the Frenchmen. ion Arn—“ You should see me dance the Polka.”’ You should see him floor the Frenchmen, hero. Chorus (all)—You should see him, &c. Miss Mary Rorxe is charming, so is Miss WxnsreR, with | jjjustra Then double the life in her now she is away from the St. James’s. Mr. Pareman’s Jean de Lussac is repulsively clever, especially when he has on that tight fit which finishes him. As for Garpen, it is oe a ~ gory GARDEN, to see you as Tom Bassett; and d in fact, a not f engetiing Seen Sines nett as Mr. H. H. Monrey’s Boom yo yp jitly worked into the plot by that cevwslaht Henry nog of whose work, however, this drama is not = best . oy well acted, Hands “tr might have resulted in Mr. i <, ~~ — hyperemia a pas seul, but to make his bow and return to Mr. W. 8. Grizert seems to be considerably iene ed about the failure of his at the om. James’s. He would like to sweep all the critics off the face of the tone. Quite right ; let us smash cumull Gen epnion difles fom our own. BAe ble Ames

b ih~ Suggestion for making iaiilieg of the St. James's Play at Christmas :— Tue Map Mortoacr or Bas-Battap Hatt; on, Hariteauin Loneo- Lost Lover, THE ConvicrT ’s Coqurtrisx CHEYILD, AND Tue Critic on Tue D.T. Harlequin ee -» The Long-lost Lover. Colembi ee -» Julia (Who’s 80 “ ve pouies ”). Pantaloon se -- Broken-down Old ahlenen ..: es eo -- The Virtuous Villin. by «» The Great Pooh Bah-rington. sentiment ! There was, at all events, one fond and faithful critic who liked it; namely, the critic of the Standard. 80 W. 8. G. may henceforth reckon’ Pooh-Bah- -rington Hall as specially A —- Play. Approbation from Sir ALFRED AG 1s It is said that so disgusted was Mr. W tb & dead b the crities generally, or by the games of Pan in particular, whic nearly gave him a fit of D. 7., that he solemnly vowed “ never again to write a serious play.” 7 can’t believe it. The threat is too owial. What ! Boycott e public! This is intimidation indeed. But, if true, we must bear it as best we may. J,o% rw rue Box.

No arrnzaction ror Cakisrmas Hotmays.—Why should Railwa Cunganies es advertise their “ Late Trains” ? Surely ‘the publie wo much prefer ‘* Punctual Trains.” Pnropaste.—Lord Satispury’s Black Man is in a fair way to become his Lordship’s ‘* béte noire.”

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, My faithful ‘* Co.” says he has been very hard at weeks edie © novel called Mary Myles. It is only in two volumes, but more than enough. ‘‘Co,” does not like the heroine

who gives her ny A to the book. He des- cribes her as an artful minx, who, under retence of a governess from Girton, irts with ev moa, ond oases, she runs pron an unpleasan habit of walking a bout PF od her shoes and stockings, and after becoming an old maid, ultimately marries a man many years her ew on ” has as a —y through a somewhat rate oo . which he ue ong oom contains Es owed eke thinks, less satisf caper in particulars about the oyal suburb are unrecorded. * C0.” is there should be so many v4 that written by no less a person than that . comes ateur, the piler of the Authorised Guide to the Tower Ras the Aspern Papers of Mr. - ey easing read The Modern ing, contained in tn the second volume, ritten in excellent English, con anwar Sh ee and he hopes unna‘ I don’t go in for Q week, Christmas Books and cheque-books. ‘Hark! the merry Christmas Bills! They don’t quite chime in with my idea of perfect hap i- ness. ‘* Partons!” Now, what says ‘‘Co,.”? Co. has gone in for crackers. That is ‘* Co.'s” literature just now. "a sings in praise of Tom Smrrn’s queda, which, he says, reproduce the latest fashions. The costumes being twisted up inside the cracker, which | may be known as *‘ Surrn’ s Closure,” and nd are most ingenious, quite “ SmrrH up to date,” x. much for the | Smitheries At the Cremeries, toy-purveyor should adopt as his motto the old French ae hy “a Poy Seat 3.” The great point here, says Co., is that there is such a wesloty t ety to delight: the genuine shilling customers. What boy or girl cares for a guinea toy, and other articles of rare price? No, give’em a few good knock-about “* at a shilling a wooden head, and the quantity will please them as long as the quality is sufficiently enduring—say, for six weeks, when away back to lessons. **Co.”’ says I must mention GoopaLt anp Son, for ‘‘ Novelties in note paper,” and a neat little box of cards with all appliances for — ng is an education for a happy old age, Goopaut, all good, ** only books” are not ‘‘ women’s looks” this week, but children’ + gt bea, little volumes, nurse rhymes and tales—old friends with new and ates faces—by Exwxst Nistxn. Bindings lovely ; interior too good for little idle hands, accustomed to the use of scissors, and belonging to children px by scrap- mania, Scrap-maniacs are most destructive insects. Tue Banon ve B.-W. & Co.

CONFOUND THEIR NAVY-ISH TRICKS! OxiveR Twist weal not be “in it” with Lord Cuartes Bunrs- rorD in ‘‘ asking for more.” The brave and breezy Bexesroup frankly wore wed that pe desired to add Twenty Millions to the Navy Estimates ! Lord Groner mton had to say in reply practically tA to this; that the British gs A r than it had been, but not so as it t to be. ween our salt water Oliver Twist and our naval Micawber there does not seem to be much comfort for Jouw But, The official Micawher said that the difference between himself and the tarry-breeked Oliver Twist was that in fall a = Cased Groner Micawzenr) ‘*‘ the sense of caution was more fully developed.” He added that when the Government moved, he hoped their movement would be “‘ genuine and prolonged.” b beg if they don’t iL, their duty fred naval es = daub toy eir movement, when it comes, ** genuine and that its motor will be wast Lord Texwrsow calle“ the wild mob’s million feet.” But, ee events move ; they move all

the time, and do not wait ‘for sessions, or for or even or Budgets. That is ee — of Pip Herbert Posies order affords Mr. Punch satiafection. and not very much hope.

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Aunt Betsy, ‘‘1 wonper, JAMES, AT YOUR ENCOURAGING YouNG CADBY TO BE sO MUCH WITH MADELINE! AND NOT A GOOD FELLOW, I FzaR!” Papa, *‘ CONFOUND HIM, NO! HIM AT LAST, Aunt Belay. ‘‘ AND THAT NICE FELLOW, ‘apa. ‘‘No; 1'Ve FORBIDDEN HIM THE HOUSE, AND WON'T EVEN ALLOW HIS NAME TO BE MENTIONED. 1'M IN HOPES SHE'LL MARRY HIM SOME DAY!” OF HIM IN CONSEQUENCE, FEMININE PERVERSITY. He's A BAD Marcu, I'VE GIVEN HIM CARTE-BLANCHE TO COME WHEN HE LIKES, AND SHE'S GETTING RATHER TIRED OF vor 1'M ALWAYS CRACKING HIM UP!” Goopenoven ? He's NEVER HERE Now!” Sue ’s ALWAYS THINKING CHRISTMAS IN THE COMMONS. THE SPEAKER'S DREAM. ** Sieep, Mr. Speaker; it’s surely fair, If you don't in your bed, that you should in your chair,” So sang Prarp, with much sympathee, In the year eighteen hundred thirty-three. What would he sing, did he live so late, In the yr eighteen hundred and eighty- eight ? *‘ Christmas cometh but once a year, (here. And when it comes—finds the Sreaxer still That is the version to fit the Commons [mons Of the old Yule tag. Shall the cheerful sum- That gladly‘rings from the Christmas chimes Find Parliament prating of Party crimes ? Sleep, Mr. Srzaxer ; close an eye! It is Christmas Eve, but they’re still at TaNyeEr or Tru in a minute or two [Supply. Some dreadful disorderly thing will do ; Or Laney will move to dock somebody's pay. Sleep, Mr. SPeaKER—sleep, sleep while you may ! Sleep, Mr. Speaker ; ConYBEARE soon The power of the Chair will invoke—or im- Hawsory soon will be raisingadin ([pugn. On the subject of sixpence, or Suakin ; GranDoLra will bother, or Jennines ” bray ; Sleep, Mr. Sreaker ; sleep, sleep, while you may ! Sleep, Mr. Srzaxer, dream of the time When courtesy was not counted a crime ; With tongue that never more will wag, Wide mouth—but with a lemon-gag ! Oar steward hath provided this, A seasonable boon and bliss. To render all such Bore’s heads dumb ones Were worth a Christmas in the Commons! ~ gy was — mh = Irish i, ’ . 5 ae | And he found it was but a Christmas dream. The House was filled with a fire-like gleam. | : , : : ‘ But he said, as his robe round hisform he drew, "3 had clearly gone wrong —S | And ee, wi —— had got askew ;— 4 - +1. |. A Vision, of the Season, no more! dee eT Cie ee the ea ete rig) 8®| How! wishit were trae—as regards the Bore! > A garland of holly encircled his wig. om He was wrapped in woollen from top to toes, |_ ‘‘ Q. E. D.”—whieh stands for “* QuitrEeR | And that rabicund button was not Ais nose. | Ed.” of the Universal Review —deserves well It was Father Christmas sat in his Chair ; of the public for the reproduction of poor | And who—who was it advancing there, |Frep Watxer’s sketch for a Black-eyed | With a dish borne high, and an apron ? Look ! | Susan Envelope, of “‘ our Mr. Tennret’s”’ | Is it Oty Moraurry garbed as a Cook ? | spirited likeness of the Dame Hatley of | Cook ? Faith, yes! And what does he sing ? |that period. No wonder the Burlesque had : ’ - © >| such a run, seeing the number of legs with hy -- at tat Dea Seiko bring? | which our Cartoonist has gifted the bounding A , - - One must spell it here BO RE: |old lady. Most interesting article about Gen- And, despite its tusks, what a likeness there | ps onpoxtoo. Altogether a capital number. | To the dreaded visage of C-wyn-xe ! Lasky Quinese! Tue Bore’s Heap Canor. Corrnore’s head in hand bear I, Bedecked with bays and rosemary ; _ And I pray you, M.P.’s, be merry, Ye must be to see it—very ! The Bore’s head is a dainty dish ; That is, when dressed as all must wish, | When Grapstong was pupil in Peet’s old school ; rule ; When Patmerston jested, but knew how to How parties and principles pass away ! Sleep, Mr. Speaxer, sleep, sleep, while you | may | And the Srzaxer slept; and what did he | dream ? | Sveriice-ace.—‘*I can’t understand Canon Lippon’s Sermons,” observed one Chorister of St. Paul’s to another. ‘‘ No | more can I,” replied his friend, who had been reading a learned letter of Sir Groner |Grove's in the Mustcal World. ‘I call him | ‘the enigmatic Canon.’ ”’

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IN

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemser 22, 1888.

CHRISTMAS “ CONYBORE’S HEAD IN HAND BEAR I,

BEDECKED WITH BAYS AND ROSEMARY ;

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Page 401

Decemser 22, 1888.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. } iS iN Wek, sb fh (A A = YA a= / , Liv , . ii , Ae ye x ih iy wy } “* v % Ww ni. k } ” 4, Me é A 4 4 Tres af y ead Y) \W> Mr. Topple. ‘‘Hi, Boy! Pun up r Yokel, ** Yxs, . '; “a a “ i ; Wy bh —— { , + babd J : f - ‘ . '/ . . \\! - iz i : § Wy > ; maces: Sur, 1’LL PULL IT uP A\y Vie ah ) i Hil tM hy | iy nu OUR NEW M. F.H. HAT HurRpLE—sHARP !” ! How MUCH HIGHER DO EE WANT IT?” ROBERT ON TOASTS AT BANKWETS. I pon’r quite kno what’s a cumming to my good old friends the Members of the grand old Copperashun, but they seams to be peal a lessning of the Sanber of their oasteses when they nobly dines together. Why, at wun of th the werry nicest little dinners as I’ve waited at for a long time, the Cheerman, who was jest as fresh and as genial as I dessay he was sum fifty years ago, told his rayther estonished Gests, and us more estonished Waiters, that he shoodn’t Majesty the Queen, and the Rite Honrabel the Lorp Marg, the too most principlest peeple in the country, and they coud talk, and they coud smoke, and they cood sing, without being bored—yes, bored was the word as he ~ ‘ lot of dreeary speeches! Yes, and, to our aa immense estonishment, the Gests all cried out, “‘Here! Here!” And I suttenly must confess that a eee or a larfinger, or a appyer party I hav seldom seen. They chatted away, and told most emusing storys, and wun rayther ancient Deputy acshally guv a commick ressetation, as made ’em all roar, Waiters and all; and one Gent, who was a wisiter, by the name of Lang, I rayther thinks—‘‘ most likely Hunney Lanz,” as Brown rayther cleverl said — ’em three most luvly songs most sweetly, one on = a all about “‘ holler arts wearing a mask’’—more shame for well—so far so ap he a if wunse this sort of change re’sita to sto We is slow, whe Is i i expt tt t Gents 4 great persitions in Sosiety, such - Dooks, es and Haldermen, and Hadmirals, is to erry best close, and put on all there dress ves in horders and chanes and dail Goat to enacted 40 all dite Gane- onered Toastes? No - ammerly, and no Army and Nawy and Wolunteers, and no old un, and no Howses of Parlement! Why, the werry thort it sends quite a shudder thro me as I giv’em more than too Toastes, and them | wood in course be Her Most Grayshus | used—with a Not of tiresome toasts, and a/| Why, what did I hear a galliant Hadmiral ony, 09 larst week but wun, when returning thanks for the Nawy ? hy, that whenewer he was a taking his Fleet into ion,—and he seemed to be doin it about wunce a week by the way he torked—the wun thort as filled his galliant sole was, that sum day, when the war was ower, he and his brave comrades wood all be k oqumrteanee | in the City! and the nobel sentiment was cheered to the The same with the nobel Ouse of Lords. They has such preshus littel hoppertunities in their own gilded Chamber of making their woices herd, or their names nown, that if it wasn’t for the thortfal as well as geeniel i rty ‘of the Manshun Ouse and the great Livvery C Jumpnys with their grand Toastes, nobody woodn’t never hear on ’em, and | or 'd be like the flowers a wasting their sweetness on the dessert there. I’m quite willing to allow that sumtimes, when the critticle moment arrives, after the almost sacred Luvving Cup has gone quite round the table, that the warious Gests makes themselves as cum- feral as they can, and assoomes a hair of demmy semmy resignashun, if not indeed of marterdom, that is sumwhat puzzling to us aiters. Brown, with his usual himperence, says as it’s becoz they all thinks as they ‘knows xactly wot ’s — as they ’ve herd it all so offen afore; but Brown’s rong, as ushal, for I wenturs to say, with dubble his xperience, that there ’s an ‘amount of wariety interdove ed in perposing the werry same Toastes as to me is puffekly surprizing. It’s sumtimes werry good fun to us when a werry stout Gineral, or a werry red Hadmiral, y gee an a pounding away for sumthink like twenty minutes, and who takes applause, t t gits lowder and lowder ever minnet, for encouragement, when it’s really all hintended for chaff, and to drownd his poor woice. Sumtimes he finds it out, and then don’t he jest set down quickly, pore feller ! No, Gennelmen Copporators, and Gennelmen Marsters, and Gen- nelmen Wardens, it won’t do. Change in sum few things may osserbly mean yn nh but ny change in the thortful - meets oe of a and almost hinterminabel Bankwet, wood be fatal to its seulien pate Rn and lower it down OP a Sa ming r for mere eating, chat, an | amoosement. Long be the day ere that sed change shall eum to pass in the grand old ay, of London, is the fervent prayer of one who is | quite eattisfied with things as they is, and his name Roserr.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

ie

"it | Mi | i OLFACTORY. He (with a look of dissatisfaction at his dish—‘‘ He is so particular /”), ‘‘My pean—I THInk——* She. He. ‘On, I’m sure it's A VERY Goop Haw, “* AN—WELL—YEs, DEAR—I 8M—CERTAINLY PERCEIVED IT WAS A FAILURE 0’ SOME SORT DIRECTLY THE COVER WAS TAKEN OFF! !” Grorce! A GENUINE WESTPHALIA.”

KISSING GOES BY—PHONOGRAPH. (Mr. Eptsow announces that he is able to trans- mit kisses by phonograph. ] Few, of true amorous orthodoxy, Have ever cared to kiss by proxy, But Cupid’s ee looks clean awry ba E eee Senne a _ uces this preposterous For kissing by machinery ! ** Make me immortal by a kiss!” Cried Hexen’s lover. ee would this Strike learned Dr. Faustus ? Though Science dominates the earth, One sometimes wonders is it worth What it seems like to cost us ? ne She pnomed a do not laugh !— e Might my w ny austus, or to you or me, She didn’t, ‘and I "t quite see’ That much a fellow misses. Of course, to press one’s lips to hers Were rapture ; but a man prefers Direct and labial contact ; And, when one thinks of wax and wire As media for love's “‘ kiss of fire,” — No, Epison, it won't act!

CLOSURE V. a my J.C, Stevenson —unmindful of the fate of Sir ANDREW Aeyew and Lord Roserr Grosvenor,— favours a Bill for the total shutting up of public-houses on Sunday. The Public prefer the total shutting up of Mar. J.C. Stevenson. | The Public is quite right.

THE MOAN OF THE MOUNTED ONE. (By @ London Rider.) Eqvesrrians of London, who pace its miles at street, (the friction of our feet, hose “flags” have braved so many years The glorious times of paving-stone and granite blocks fast flow, Now Wood thought And Asphalte is fe ge! Now your horses slip on ed — And Asphalte is all the of your fathers d granite safely trod, with iron shod ; io Som was the fai fae of steeds ‘ow brave Bucephalus must slip, and stagger, and lie low The gee-

And Asphalte is all the go The slithery wood-blocks jute ourznags, And Asphalte is all the go! The Renguen finds no “ halfpenny ‘rolls,”’ ‘* metal ” firm and easy ; His ride i <4 « er the treacly wood, and o’er the Damp co not from our native oak, are read his ~y below : What a 4 he To be sure Now Asphalte is ail the go; Malodorous timber paves our paths, And Asphalte is all the go! The Horsemen of Old England, they scarce know where to turn, The danger of a fall to . For the old days they yearn. e, or slow, Then, on, ye eee amblers, safe went Was deemed good, — Or Asphalte was all the Ere slippery momen blocks lam i r Asphalte was all the go!

Tue new Lyric Tagen just opened, pos- sesses a bath-room ! r. Parprs, the a. tect, has thus mftorded, the Manager, Mr. Leste, in the first place, and secondly any visitor, every facility for getting into hot water on the shortest possible notice. In Mr. Gripert’s new theatre of course there will be a a for critics. But which will the dressing ’—the critics, for the author, as a rule.

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Decempzr 22, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

si I je fia lim mw mn 5 iz ‘“ ‘ i NE

SSENG \ PATE a x T Ser; Aa <i Parches sl ull jaye AE sori M2 in (i 1. rh i jive) ii ie ay" fy “i 4)

ARLLAM ENT Wey te se : - heer

Ifouse of Commons, Monday, Decem- ber 10. Phy wet ond full of Me to-night Rver os GranHaM sure it was Home Secrerary. questioned by Grand Young = “he is entirely due to ers of sottan-wool fi hog sont this explanation, Pate

“ Members brought fog in with them.” oe ” he said, turning in lirection where he thought he he saw outline of Speaker's Chair, Member asks, What is the cause of the fog? Her Majesty’s Government have to hide in this matter. I will i ith the House. These fogs, y in the winter time, thus:—Some current of air descends into the k the smoke ina <i. Fogs would be more frequent but for the fact that the air will not always hold in solution a certain ta of vapour, w varies according its temp and chen the the air is not cooled without parting have now given the the Pallet explanation in my power eno") Saree Sale oy

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300 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decempzr 22, 1888, convenience of Members on both sides, to do my duty to the country, and to perform the functions of the Government with the least friction possible.” That settled it. Fog denser than ever, but everyone satisfied. Irish Members with light hearts turned to boo for Batrovr. ion lasted till midnight, when moved. Condition of affairs » mn =~" i CovuRTNEY into a joke. Years ago now since Jacop Baicut made his repu- tation as humorist by alluding to Granpotrn as “the noble Lord, the Member for Woodcock.” Covnrt- wey, cheered by the fog, and soothed by Orn Moratiry’s oration, deter- mined to outshine this flash. Struck a lighton Tay Pay. Tay Pay from time to time emerged out of fog, yelled * Yah!” in somebody’s ear, and yy a ws Covrtyey lay in wait for him ; he swooped down, and caught him by left ear. “This,” he said, shaking him vigorously, “‘is the third time the | Hon. Member for Scotland Yard has | interrupted.” “*The Member for Scotland Yard,’” says Fraser, V.C., “‘ lacks | the brisk movement of ‘Tay Pay’ ; | but it will serve for Sundays and state occasions.” Business done.—lIrish Votes Supply. ednesday, 2 4.m.—Been here, or hereabouts, since three yesterday. Me and the SpxaKer took our chairs resent sign of getting | } in Tay Pay, “Member for Scotland ard as seen in Mr. Courtney's mind’s eye. Monday, Dec. 10. . Nop heme ; daresay shall go on till o’Clock, which nicely divides e day. And such a night too! Scotch Estimates on; Scotch Members don’t often get a chance; when they do, don’t easily let it go. ANDER- son, who led off at rodigious length, invented new process which extorted grunt of admiration from Tim Heaty. Moved to reduce salary of Secretary for Scotland by £1000; amid growing impatience from compatriots who had speeches ready, ANDERSON reac his seventhly and sat down; then came dreary processsion of Scotch Members till Ronertson, vainly trying to catch the SrzaKER’s eye, temporarily gave up pursuit and left House. “It’s amazing,” he said glaring at Esstxzmont, ‘‘ how some people with nothing to say wag their ton om BERTSON back presently and getting his innings, talked for half an hour. Meanwhile ANDERSON sp his patent rocess on isheartened ouse; withdrew Amend- ment to reduce salary by £1000; moved another to reduce it by £200; this being new Amendment, he was in order in making new speech ; which he did. Thinking over these things sitting in limp condition on plank bench, startled by hear- in curious whimpering, * Boo-ooh !” Turned round ; found it was Tanner dig- ging his knuckles into his eyes and whimpering like ae schoolboy. ** What are you at now?” Iasked. ‘ Booing for Bat- Four?” ** Boo-ooh!” he said, with another outburst. ‘* He’s got my stick.” Tanner of the Broken Baton. ** Who’s got your stick ?” ** Boo-ooh, FretpEn, boo. Ill tell the Speaker.” So he did. Seems he’d brought in broken baton; said to have been used by Irish Constable ; left it on table whilst he went out to division; Frecpey, coming in, put it in his pocket. ‘Give me my stick!” screamed Taxwre, when he came back, “ or Ill tell my moth—I mean the SpzaKen.’ Frecpen playfully refused. Tanner stamped and screamed, tore his pinafore, whisapeoed, and finally SPEAKER protested he was tired of these personal squabbles. Told Frepen to boy his stick. Nurse sent for, and Tanner carried off to bed, ing ani screaming. When we have come to this in House of Commons, it’s time to wind up business. Business done.—Scotch Votes in Supply. Thursday.—Came down to-day in thoroughly yer Had a chat with Beresrorp yesterday : tells me it’s haven’t got a ship in the Navy t stand against a penny steamboat on the Seine; guns burst; engines won't work ; ships run agroun the Cavendish tobacco not at all what it should be. Worst of it is, the Government won’t learn. CHARLIE wanted them to beach the A4gamem- non or Alexandra ite terrace of House of Commons, plant a few big guns on terrace and fire away at ship. ‘“*Then you ’d see,” says CHARLES. But Hamiitonw won’t see, and there we are. That is the truth about the Navy ina cockleshell. Cockleshell, however, couldn’t hold all Cuartre had to say. Prodigious effort ; poured broadside after broadside into Admiralty; Hamrton, with — hung down, tore up with busy fingers innumerable - slips of paper in reply ; a melancholy indict- ment, leaving us not a ship to sail in or a gun to fire. Curious of it was that nobody seemed penny the worse. Carthage is as good as ruined—and Members went off to dinner just the same! So many went that at half-past eight House nearly Counted Out. Brown of Wenlock (ex-cornet in 50th Dragoon Guards), had come down determined to shed last drop of his blood for country. ‘I’m a handy figure aboard a ship,” he said, drawing himself out like a telescope, : “and though not used to the sea, will A Telescopic Vi enlist as a marine. In emergency, might ehescoplc View. —_ serve as spare spar.’ But Cornet Brown, finding how things were going, concluded he wasn’t wanted; shut himself up a few feet, and went out. BeresrorD had several more speeches to make on other votes, but result of first oration not encouraging. In the end, votes ran through like greased lightning. England, dull-eared and blindfolded, went stumbling to her doom! Business done.—Navy Votes agreed to. ‘riday.—Army Estimates on to-day. Admirals retire, Colonels advance in fighting form. Navy bad; ; Army worse. An ancient nation tottering to its fall. Quite a cheerful Christmas Story, in two Parts. PartOne: The Navy. Part Two: The Army. Conclusion: Both hopelessly bad. Sir Georce Exuior sits out dreary de- hate, as last night he listened to lament over Navy. Wonder what he thinks of it all? Doesn’t seem particularly de- pressed. Why don’t they put him at head of War Office or Admirett ? Wouldn’t matter which. Father wasn’t a Duke, nor is his brother an Earl; but he’s a man of great natural gifts, trained capacity, and infinite resources, a credit to Durham, an honour to Monmouth. **That’s the sort of man they ought to offer any inducement to leave his private affairs and look after the Nation’s,” said Serjeant Smion, an Old Parliamentary Hand, looking in to see howthe House is getting on without him. Towards close of sitting, things took new turn ; oP aon melted away ; naa oe, vo and over hand ; looks like adjourn- : a. ment before Christmas Day, after all. CH Funy Business done.— Army Votes. mood: Tue Lasr or a Jory Otp Cuar.—There was always something laughable in the absurd separation of Ken Gardens from Hyde Park, and this ridiculous something was the old ** Ha-ha wall” which has now disappeared for ever. It was removed bodily, both its sides shaking with laughter. Alas! never again will the glades of Ken- sington ring with the old Wall’s merriment. rH NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by q Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be po exception.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OGHARIVARI—Descsmeze 22, 1888. “1 HIGHLAND WHISKY. Per gall, Age 7 years, Very Flee, "8s. 22s, » © some Fine, 60s. 28s. » ere Invalids, 72s, 34s. » 29 4, Finest Liqueur,120s, MOREL BROS., COBBETT & SON (LIMITED), 210 & 211, PICCADILLY; 18 & 19, PALL MALL. Whisky Bonded Stores, Inverness, N.B. Distilled SOLELY from the FINEST MALT, ONG ; HAS The PERFECTION of SCOTCH WHISKY. In Casks and Cases from all Good Wine Merchants. KINLOCH & CO. | BACK CHURCH LANE, COMMERCIAL BcaD, LONDON, 2. DISTILLERIES : FORT WILLIAM, MB. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO. 4% and 2%, HAKY S!., BLOOMSBURY, Cc, jate of Albany 5t., N.W. Agents for —~+ :—CUTLER, a & Co. Asingle bottle, as a sample, will be sent pat free to any pov bend oo receipt of P.O. for 4s VECETABLE a bottle to-day of pew DAVis’ FPAIN~ Kite. theO. tase, Best-cad widely-known Family Medicine y- in the World. It inetantly Kelleves AZ and Cures urns, Toothache, Hi Pains in’ the Side, Joints, inane god otilictoas ic and Kheumatic Pains. can supply it at 1/1) and 2 per bottie. CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE FRY’S PURE COCOA “T consider it @ very rich delicious Cocos."—W. EH. R. STANLEY, M.D. | E VINTAGE 1884. OPER FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. “WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, GRANT'S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY.” Of all Dealers. Beware of Imitations. Manufactured by T. GRANT & SONS, MAIDSTONE. alities a FINE PEeREU YY TOILET SOA Every ROYAL Ti THRIDA aad bs sa hie Highly recommended by the for p a healthy aod Denutifying the co Our latest toves) for the Handkerchief Of all High-Class P Wholesale : OSBORE GARRETT Ete. baie, ¥. | ¥. bonineny 4 {out IRISH Pocket Handkerchiefs, Samp. vane nwo Lists,post-free. DOgrn t— Calldren'e" Ua Lt Gent's | i By lier ‘tmients to the Queen ess of CLEAVER, Belfast. —* Linen,” Heifast. “~The most nd precious weed that tee tavtn tendered toh are Eas toes, P ‘= @ ABSOLUTELY FEArECT SMOKING, MIXTURE. BR LLOYD AND SONS, HOLBORN BARS, EO. JEWSBURY & BROWN'S Orient: Gogaren ‘Czereace- 6 acur Ptate Pow de rJ — c GOLD MEDAL BRANDY NON-MERCUKIAL. The BEST AKTICLE tor CLEANING SILVER S ELECTRO. PLATE, &c. FIVE fg MEDA Bold every where.in Boxes, ls. 2s. 64., and 4s. td, MAPPIN & WEBB’S ELECTRO PLATE. SEVEN PIRGT PRIZE MEDALS. HIGH EsT AWAKDS at ALL INTERNATIONAL EXHINITIONS. WOLFF VIOLINS, rian. High freomeninded 91 Ban W. KONIGSBERG & CO. | & 2, GHISWELL STREET, LONDON, E.C. Geauine 014 Italian Violina, ftom £10 and upwards. FLOR DE JAVA MILD INDIAN CIGARS ofan exquistiely ch ice flavour and delicate pr 22s., 208,., and 18s. per Box of 100, Post Free. Samples, 4 and 5 for Is. (14 co. BEWLAY & 49, Strand, and lt oe — gents for Greet Kirttain ) | NODA VERITAS HAIR, RESTORER Ite eolou! BRitas ayy eRITAS 7 uses growth om bald NUDA VERITAS ie sold in cuses at l6s. 64 by Chemists, from w reulars = Fortemers, ac., hom Ci y be had. wicente: R. HOVENDEN 4 SONGS, 31 and 32, ae Sranet, W., and 91-95, Crer Boa, K.C., ANHYDROUS WATERPROOF LEATHER, Seis ay tin gaa Trade apply, —* K” Manufecturers, Kendal. PLAYER'S GOLP LEAF NAVY CUT The Perfection of Tobacco. a JOSEPH GILLOTT’S STEEL PENS THE REDCLIFFE PATENT RICK B COVER. Thateh without Straw or Thatcher Price from £23 108. Last Livetine THOMAS HEYWOOD, Col, 2”. and pv... § Hereford, writes »— Tne Iwo ‘Patent Rick Covers with which you supplied me in June last give every ealisfaction. — ve retaine: their position in spite of high wind, and I consider them a greet ecomomy as as the hay cuts out good to the very \ ”, instead of a» in the caseof (hatch, certain portio being of inferior quality.” Please write for List, Prices, and Testimonials. REDOLIFFE GROWN GALVANIZED 00., BRISTOL, DINNEFORD’S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY of rue STOMACH, HEAKTHU LN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION 180, BOND STREET, and all Chemists ra ta iteti 8 , SERGES. it “pave BLUE Also in all other colours and ae eee No draper AH nt 7 renowned herges =p ssh vita 1 ful for yourselves. Parcels e and island, Goods tease went freights, GOLDEN a HAIR. —ROBARE 8 AUREDLINE and We. 64, ee pal Perfumers and the World. Agents, R. Hoven pee Berners Street, London, W. TORPID LIVER POSITIVELY CURED BY THESE LITTLE PILLA They aise relieve Dis tress from lLyspepeia R Coaten Indigestion. aud To Mearty Kating A per or D » one ripe or purge, but by thel Setion please ai! who use them Kata hi oh Standard Pill of the United States In phia O6 le. 19d. bold by all Chemists, o pos OMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE. SMALL PRICE. Iiustrated Pamphiet free British Depét, 46, Holborn Viaduct, Loodon, &« HOPING couGH.— —ROCHE’ s cure without mternal a. Sole bolewsle Agents, W. Kowsnns & fon, 167 Quewe Street (formeriy of @, Bt. Paul's Chareh . Bold by most Chemists. rice ts. per vottie. nd Heapscns. The ey evo jate the Bowels and st : : Constipa tion “FOR THE BLOOD I8 THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. Is warranted to cleanse the biood from ail impariti ee, from wuateves cause arising. Yor Berofulas , K , Skin and Blood Diseases, and mores of « fi kinds, its effects are marvellous. It is the oniy real specific for Gout and Rineumatic Pains, for it re moves the caces from the bioud and bones ia Sottion, to Sd aad iin each, of all Chemists. Ir prietors, Linroin and Midian’ Counties Drug Co. , Lincoln, Bewsas of Wonrutess lurrations D: R idge’s Food. > sf So a RO A RR”

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——— nen ii Hi 6 ii PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Decempzr 22, 1888. Pe Wn SAREE ay PRE LPicwee Lote A yue de eo eles eee PIliIRitewen BEVERY SATURDAY. om

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> « wW > w a Ww =z 2) a | a 2 a (HRISTMAS Booxs. (Reerestomt ce:

Mr. Punch’s Victorian Era. 1,0co Cartoons. Three Fine 4to Volumes, 42/- John Leech’s Pictures. 900 pages. Three Volumes, 1/11/6; or One Volume, 28/~ Charles Keene’s Pictures of Our People, Printed in red & black. 21/-

‘ ‘ t ; G. D. Leslie, R.A.— Our River (The Thames). 55 Ullustrations. 12/6 -—, = ri SMA , WRN \Z cr CS S000 ER eee — Suen Tsln ly —— DUM Sb vOl ye eg DUE VOL. Ra te TENT | SI ; iD gem 2) ¢ Jn be se i A baa StF ‘ Oe PS ap ei fire AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. }

('HRISTHAS Books. Saif “Happy Thoughts” Birthday Book. } (ee pind. 3/6 M.P’s in Session (from “ Punch”). By HARRY FURNISS. Quarto. 5/- Handley Cross Series, Lxxcu’s .1vstrations. 6Vols.,cloth, 4/4/-; half moro., 5/12/6 Handy Volume “ Waverley,” in Case, 45/-; “Scott” (f2K>,), in Case, 63/-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemszr 29, 1888. THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE Por JANUARY, price 64,, by post, 64., contains »— i. The Virgin and Child, efter Lorenzi di Credi & The Bouse of the Well By Stanley J. Weyman. Berkeley * of Oi4 Baglish Homes Vi ee By Biizabeth Baich & The Sergeant. Py Archibald Forbes, a . By Hon, Lewis Wingfield. 6 London Model. By Oscar Wide 7 Sant Maric. By F. Marion Crawford, 6 Bt Getere. By M.D. Trail MACMILLAN & ©O., LONDON. }YACMILLAN'S MAGAZINE. For JANUARY. Price ls. Conterts mogermed by W. Clark Russell. Chapters VilL—ti © A Practical Philanthropist and bis Work; by Dr Ka ght 3 Dr Johnson's Favourites. 4& The Indice in Canada; by W Macdonald Oxley. 56. A Story of Chios; by Mrs. Lynch. 6. The Bloody Doctor; by Andrew Lang. 7. The Practice of Letters. a s Rel and Politics; by Gold- a eee MACMILLAN & ©CO.. LONDON. NOTICE.—New Story by Walter Besant. LoOXGMAN's MAGAZINE, JANUARY. Price SIXPENCE, Cowrants :— ‘The Bell of 60, Feats, iy Welter Besant. Part Chaps Studies of Elementary School Life. I. By H. J bars er “ Het not a Jew Byes?” By Hernest Duns. A Queen-Anne Pocket-Boos. By Mra Pollard. The 0 od and the “Donna” in iss. I hy the Author of “ Uharics Lowder.” Li. By the }diter A Dangerous Catepaw. XIII—XV. By David Christie Murrey «nc Henr: Murrey. At the Sign of the Ship. Ny Andrew Lang London: LONGMANS, GREEN, & ©O THE MAT MATRIMONIAL HERALD AND ABLE MARRIAGE is the ised medium for Hign-Clase Ib (reductions. t ond most successful Natrimonial Agency ta the World. Price 34.; in suvenene. Os ~~ Kéitor, #0, Lamb's Conduit reet, London, TO STOUT PEOPLE. Sewpst Times says" Mr. Russell's aim is to Peadicate, to curs the disease, and that his treat- ment t+ the true one seems beyond all doubt. The medicine he prescribes poms HoT LowEa, BUT BUILDS Cr a”) TOnES Tae eteTeEx.” Hook (116 peges) with recipe and notes how to ntly and rapid) Opnertt (average reduc mm fret week is 7 ee 8 oe C. BUSSELL, Woburn House, Store oon Bedford Square, London, W.6. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Accumulated Fund, 6? Millions Stg. vigil end oleae cure lve.), FOR PROTECTION LNINLSIANI P EDINBURGH, 8 George St. (Head Office) LONDON, 88 King William Street, E.C. ” 8 Pall Mal) Bast, 8.w. DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street. Branches & Agencies tm india dy the Colonies YNSOLIcITED TESTIMONIAL to R- apenees. =. Rn ppreciat pie: bs oa ade \ * al my * rl je * ci ate mya promatios of the eae although .s Bae Seon some of an enor omally v kind), pia gp AS na dcovk bes baex the thread the - ei elit se y about as pic pac wet tree front Washford wile RAdat rh. FOR ASTHMA &C DATURA TATULA FO BMORING AND INHALATION. SAVORY & MOORE, London, VAN HOUTEN’S PURE SOLUBLE COCOA BEST & GOES FARTHEST. “It is admirable.’—BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL. Treloar & Sons, Ludgate Hill. TURKEY CARPETS. WHOLESALE PRICES. QUOTATIONS BY POST FOR ANY 6IZE. IMPORTERS, TRELOAR & SONS, 68, 69, and 70, Ludgate Hill. A CATALOGUE OF THF BEST FLOOR COVERINGS POST FREE MAPPIN & WEBB'S SPOONS & FORKS FURS GENTLEMEN. | , A large selection ; of FUR-LINED COATS » at prices varying and in the ye execution of 4 orders punctuality » may be relied on. THE m INTERNATIONAL FUR STORE, 163, REGENT ST., LONDON. LEANNESS or FATNESS. The in vestigations of a German Physician, of deep — research, in reducing co-pulency witho = the sligstest de onger have led to the further dis- covery of a means of pu flesh on thin persons, and genera! deve iopment ye except in local . hither empniet. in Enziish, free ‘or one stamp —state if fat or lean. Manager, Chomberg netitute, 113, Regent Street, London. W HOPING Sctatioa tay oem 8 Ficiemis age am how « "Son taf, 167 a b wanos Victoria Btreet (ormeriy of @, St. Paui’s Caureh- yard). Sold by most © Price «s per bottie. j THE BEAUTY OF THE SKIN ENHANCED BY POUDRE D ‘AMOUR (Prepared by Picasn Peeaes, Parfameurs). A Toilet Powder combining every desideratum, Hygienic and Cosmetic, for beautify: ng and soften- ing the Skin. it will Le equally welcomed by all, imparting a most natural fraicheur t the | complexion Gentiemen will find it most soothing and pleasant for use after shivin In three tints; Blanche for fair skins, Natureile always on show, | Sor, darker os complexions, and Kachel for use by jal light Price is. Hy Post, free from observation, ls. 34. To be had of all Hairdressers, Chemists, &c. Wholesale Depét: 3B. HOVENDEN & SONS, Sl axp 3, BERNERS STREET, W. And 91-85, CITY KOAD, EC, LONDON. A PLEASURE TO USE. Mover Requires Grinding. Mr. Hen. lavive writes: “1 fi our rezors excellent,” Case, complete, Black FKROPP i Handle Af ; lvory Handle, 76 neat reer ——e GROUND ron gt Paice 4s B AZOR. from the Englis a saesae ny Frith St,, Suho 8q,, Lond., W. ent. € She Feu, i Mheit at Yb-New- LK “mcoicines tr ESTABLISHED 1825. NEAVE'S FOOD BEST AND CHEAPEST. FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE ACED. COLLINSON & LOCK’S ARTISTIC FURNITURE. SOUND AND HONEST METHODS OF CONSTRUCTION. ee oo DESIGN AND WORKMANSHIP. REASONABLE PRICES. 30 NEW AND COMPLETELY FURNISHED BED-ROOMS ON VIEW. Abd of Chemisis everywhere. 76 to 80, OXFORD STREET, W. GRAND HOTEL, TRAFALGAR SBUARE, LONDON, ENG. —u-— FINEST SITUATION. EVERY LUXURY ano COMFORT MOST RECHERCHE CUISINE: VERY MODERATE TARIFF, ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDOM. 6s THE NEW PERFUME. “ Scent of White Clover came over the lea.” WHITAKER & GROSSMITH, 22, SILK STREET, CITY, LONDON 2s. 6d. of all Venton) Post Free direct, — of Lonpos ‘oar Co., 107, New Hond Stree PpHON OGRAPH AT HOMES. for Christm +s ¢ dedicates Mr. EDISON'S PHONOGRAPH to the season's charities, with selections from his inte- resting Phonogram Cabinet, and has arranged with practical demonstrations, illustrated by lantern slides, &c. After the expenses of the lecture have been defrayed, the balance of the sum agreed uyon will be jointly handed over to the amos | oad ously approved. All communications mus dressed to Profcssor E. Doverss Ancnipa:d, M.A. (Oxon), Bridge House. Queen Victoria Street, E.C. CALLARD ¥% & BOWSER’S CELEBRATED BUTTER-SCOTCH. ‘REALLY WHOLESOME CONFECTIONERY.” Lancet. y HOT MINERAL SPRINGS OF BATH. Daily yield 607,600 at a temperature of Kaths founded at Bath by the Komans in the First Century. The waters are weil known as being most valuable in cases of Rheumativm, Gout, Skia A ffections. Co: poration of Hath have rec ently enia ged and perfected the Baths at creat exprnse In the wores of one of the greatest Hygi enie Physicians, Tax Barus sk THE MOST COMPLETE I» Eusors. Hand | in the Pump-Koom. Letters to the Manager wil' receive attention and every information. ROWLANDS KALYDOR > a soothing and emollient preparation for the FACE AND HANDS. It removes freckles, tan, pee go roughness of the s« caused by the of hard water or Uapeewe 00 COLD WINDS; soothes and relieves ¢)aps, igritation, and chil- Diains more efiectualiy than any preparation, softens and BEAUTIFIES THE SKIN, | and proéuces a pure eo licate complexion. FREE FROM METALLIC Soa é delicate Cao — most 2 'y or ” the akin of em half-sized bottles, 2s, 3d, Ask anywhere for KOWLAND’S OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL. WHITE CLOVER.” harities.—Colovel GOURAUD | en experienced Lecturer to cive explanations and |

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3. ANY SIZE. ONS ite Hill. T FLOOR LE. MICAL KINGDOM, ER.” he lea.” MITH, NDON, Aad Lonpow OMES, JOURAUD | PH to the | n his inte- | anged with | ations and | by lantern cture have aon upon rit revi- on be ad- BALD, M.A. treet, E.C, Letters DecemBer 29, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. $01 A HINT FOR THE STICKY SEASON. Finn your Pockets wiITH SAND, AND SCATTER AS YOU WALK. THEN, WHILE OTHER PEOPLE ARE PAINFULLY TOTTERING ALONG THE GLUEY PAVEMENT, YOU MAY MARCH WITH CONFIDENT STEP. CHOOSING A LADY GUIDE. (AN ENTIRELY IMAGINARY FORECAST.) Scenz—The Offices of the New ‘* Lady Guide Association.” Intelli- Genin of Biff “nl np by birth mr y education, of almost any age, a of ifferent di. tions and capacities,” accordin to prospectus, di. ed seated int background awaiting an poand ment. In foreground, Clients are consulting Manageress. Manageress (to Couple from the Country). Exactly ; this is your first visit to London, and you want to see everything during the week you are here. There is a lady there, the third from the end, with the short hair and the pince-nez. She is.in charge of the Intellectual Sight-seeing Department, and you will find her a highly-intelligent ae, lente ye ren with all the objects of interest in Sir Soane’s, = the Geological Museums, Madame Tussaud’s, and the Tower, w she will render a warder quite un- . Inthe New Law Courts, for a small additional fee, she will explain the origin and growth of Common Law and Equity; she can translate the epitaphs in Westminster Abbey (if desired), and tell you the exact height of every public building in London. The Husband. Hey she a eye for a beast? Susy an’ I be coom up fur Cattle Show maiinly. Manageress. She has been through a course of lectures on Com- parative Anatomy. Shall I call her? The Wife. Nooffence to you, Ma’am, but I think I’d rather know what that ng woman in the fur-trimmings can do, before I make up my mind, like. Manageress. Ah, that lady? She is extremely well connected—a ter—she undertek f Baron’s es the Social Sight-seeing, but she would be too e ive for you, perhaps? The Husband. Oh, dang th’ expense! let ’s hev’ a ’un while we’re "bout it. (The Hon. Miss Kindly ask her to step out. Freperica GEORGINA Rabaenmeuep steps forward.) Now, Miss, me and my Missus here ’ud like to hear what you have to say for Miss Churchmouse (languidly). I think I could show you something of Town while you are with us. Dear Perriroorss kindly allows me to bring my friends in to tea on any of her afternoons, and I could get you cards for the Countess of HeRRINGBARREL’s crush and Lady Darvisn’s small dence, if you cared to go, that is. I would walk in the Row with you after Church on Sunday morning—(but that would be an extra)—and tell you who everybody was. If you thought of giving a little party while you are in Town, I could get some really smart people to come to you, and advise you how to do the thing, i A - flowers—a a of mine sw -+ te v ir champagne at a moderate price, you would C) vat B Keby, of I—ah—don’t ing to the Theayter. othing worth just now but the French The Husband. And ’bout how much would it tot up to if we did the whole thing ? Miss C. Well, as nearly, as I can tell you, about—— (Mentions a sum at which their eyes roll.) The Husband (after whispered consultation), Ah, thankee, 1’|! look in agéan when I’m this way maybe. ; [Country Couple retire. Enter an American party. American Spokesman. Good-day, Ma’m, we've looked in to ask if yon ve a smart high-toned Lady Guide to go around with us at a ow figure. We’re Amurrican citizens, and we mean having a rea! good time. Manageress. Let me see—is there any lady on those seats there whose appearance takes your fancy A Young American (insidiously), That's a vurry attractive young - +, the blue eyes and a frizzy top-knot. is Wife. Henny Cray Bayes, if you want to see me in a fit on the floor—go on ! The Spokesman. It’s this way, Ma’m. We're a mixed party, and our ladies—well, they ’re not so darned partickler about having a goodlooking Guide. Birth and breeding we do take stock in. So, if you’ve got a female member of _ pampered aristocracy, egpreaching middle-age, red-headed and squint-eyed, hitched up on these premises, I reckon we’ll take her along. Manageress. I’m afraid we have nothing but a Baronet’s widow to-day, who, at all answers that description, and I’m sorry to say she doesn’t squint. The Young American (in an undertone). Say, couldn’t we contrive to get along with one of the younger ones ata pinch? If they had a juvenile Duchess around now, it wouldn’t signify much if she did happen to be personable, so far as 7’m concerned. e Spokesman. I believe you, Banas—there’s no prejudice about you; but if we’re to preserve the ony of this meeting—we ve got to content ourselves with a plain patrician, or no one, that’s so! And, as there’s nothing of that kind in stock just now, I guess we ’ll hev to cavort around this effete old city without anyone to give us points. Come, Ladies! American party file out. Enter Provincial Lady, much agitated. Provincial Lady. Oh, if you please, we’ve taken a house at Kil burn for the Winter Season, a the pipes have burst, and there’s something wrong with the drains, and everything tastes of dry-rot, and the housemaids won’t carry up the coals, and we ’re almost sure the cook sells our kitchen-stuff through the area railings, and we hear such very odd noises every night next door between eleven and twelve, and we have almost settled to give a quiet children’s party, and I want someone to tell me the most fashionable shop in Kilburn to get a bonnet, and we fancy the baby has swallowed a button, and I don’t know where to find a respectable sweep — could you recommend me a young person who would give me a little temporary household assistance, and what would be her charge for coming ? The Manageress. Certainly, Madam. You will find the charge stated in our Differential Tariff. Miss De Vere, will you take this lady down-stairs to the Third Class Department, and show her the Confidential Companions ? [Exit Miss De Vere with Provincial Lady. Enter a Young Frenchman. The Y. F. Pardon, Madame, I arrive at reer Association, so desired, so distinguished, to select myself a leddi guide, tout a fait comme il faut ! Manageress. Certainly, Monsieur, I can give you a very superior Lady, ahem you will find full of information and statistics of every kind, and who converses fluently in the Ollendorffian method. She possesses, too, a thorough knowledge of cab-fares, inside and outside the radius. May I ask how ] your party is ? The Y. F. My party? But I am ze party—I am all alone! Manageress. Ah, Indeed? Then I fear you must remain so, Monsieur. Our guides are not p ed to attend gentlemen travel- ling en garcon. I am very , 1 can assure you. The £ he Ah, Madame, le pilus désolé—c’ est moi ! [Z£zit Young Frenchman, with a regretful glance at the bevy of Lady Guides, as Scene closes. Mem. by One who Remembers. “ Suakin is the key to the Upper Nile.”— Pall Mall Gazette. Dean me! The old, old talk! It mars my case, It comes upon me with a painful shock : Whenever there is all this talk of ‘‘ keys,” Things seem so sure to come to a dead-lock, for to-morrow, and I | sedebit, Infelix Theseus.” mother to take you in our party. | President, ‘‘ tied to the stake.” The unhappy DD Morro ror THe Panwett Commission.—‘‘ Sedet aternumque | is, of course, the

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Dzcemsur 29, 1888.

a ran, if ‘/. Q i } . et , ii‘) 4 oP NY 1} re *y tld 1) > a ° if - eR: yr 1 j i({t iH “*) boar J ae ; 4 9 L < wi , 7 . Ye hi Hl UY FB w y di 1 , <3; ms £0) ERIN (iad *\ 4 » ™” , : i) \ \. ia 2 } NY ae \. a ae i ae aly ¢ é Be PARLIAMENT), Wn eee TPAD OPTORN NN TY) zen, Fercee House of Commons, Monday Night, December 17.—Nice sort of | carte, and the tables. I su you are beating this out and out ? preparation for Christmas. Thick fog outside; Benches crowded | thoroughly enjoying yourself at Christmastime? Perhaps a little inside ; debate on Suakin expected ; GLapsrowe again in his place. | snow, but everything bright, crisp, sparkling, joyous and | “You see I can’t leave you, Tosy,” he said, with sprightly air, | like? No fogor slush or Suakin? I Rae mary oe d but really apologetically. “* Bade farewell to House three weeks | to Joxem. Dreamed nah nent very first day he took my place in ago. Then Batrovr twitted me, so obliged to run up to Town and | House Giapstone came back, and GranpoLPH went on the rampage. boo him. Really thought I was gone after that; but, having | But, of course, that ay a dream. Joxem quite happy. All the Saturday, it at Limehouse. Day after to-morrow set off for | honours of leadership none of the labours. Just going in to take sunny South. No use going down to Hawarden for couple of days; | walk round the tables and see that Cuartes Russet isn’t playing. so, being in Town, may as well come down to House; being in House, | By the way, you used to chaff me about pouncing. But what I’ve may as well deliver a speech. No trouble, I assure you.” done in my little way, nothing to daily habit of the crowpiers here. GLADSTONE come, OLD Moratrry gone. In his place Goscuen sits | Pounce every six minutes; closure moved at every table; not, of nervously washing his hands with invisible soap in im ible | course, in same words, since they speak French. Le jeu est fait. water. Every prospect of a stiff debate. Holidays retire into On ne va plus,’ which, being translated, means ‘I move that the the dim and distant future. Things made worse by receipt of telegram question be now put.’ Here, as with you, no debate, not even divi- from Otp Moratrrr, dated Monte Carlo. Here it is:—‘‘ And how is sion. Good bye and a Merry Christmas. So glad you’re all enjoying Tostas, M.P.?” (Topras!—that’s ie te) “Hi pad mw | yourselves at Westminster.” as well at Westminster as we are here. bright eky. ,| . Something quite bloodthirsty about this pleasantry. Bad enough I of blue Mediterranean between the palms in the garden, drives for Leader of House to run away to enjoy himself ; too bad to jeer and walks through sunny atmosphere ; delightful music, dinner ¢ /a at us by telegraph from the sunny clime where he sojourns.

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CMLL E SS gh PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 303 I Decemsrr 29, 1888.] average and reduce the travelli seen to. So have now to move Second Man would be sent for to Granp Cross on Ministerial bility and _— _—— Acts Bill Was Wages Bill read Beoond of Mr. Dick discovered at —y, of Act, 1888, Big be “ Au reservoir !”’ Searterys Ledge ieich Bless brought in and A re Front in rear. Don’t know what would ment if Cuariiw hadn’t thrown himself t in Bi oy hint and oa it with air of supreme re- P t of Bill nas wd Boo Seoond ‘Fime. “A y moving Reading Government (England and Wales) Rona Bill. Mr. Dick, of the Memo- bold] wien lat vote in Report of Su Session tussle round Suakin. Jomw Morzzr led off attack from ich ; GLapstore brought up ca Granpo_pH attacked Memorial gens on poy I ~ F, CHARLEs THE F rast not been so ee Have, ponere, laid ne. Pom a as short occupied Local Government Ac ave my doubts pvt — han, Bill itself calculated to diminish the corn weight of fat cattle. for immediate repeal of Act. Down ; sorry to embarrass the Marxiss ; but fon duty is a public trust. ” Expect the Government will resign if measure, and probably the Black | paseaee Thin ~s table ted to their Lo on y 7- Cross nervously wiped his damp spectacles. No one reckless audacity deny Mr. Dick's statement. ABERDEEN sat bolt upright ; slutohed himself by me thighs; looked as if he was g to rise, but limbs refused to * Great 1} eavens!” I murmured. ‘Is it soctihie the Act goin to be sacrificed in this way? No one to say a word in favour o it. What Christmas Tidin: Lorp CHANCELLOR put for Rrrente!’ e question. House stricken dumb. No said either ‘‘ Content” or ‘* Not Con- tent.” Taking advantage of _—— con- dition of paralysis, Lorp CHANCELLOR declared ** Not Contents” had it, and Bill thrown out. “*T shall draw up another Memorial,” said Mr. Dick, cravat. ‘Shall be Masesty ; briefl tet firmly demand Head of Hatapvry. trifled with the Constitution in so reckless amanner. And where’s his Head to-day?” Business done,—In Peers, Lonp Cuan- Local Government Act ; in CELLOR saves Commons, Irish Votes in Supply. Wednesday. Four ; last o a portunity ; —y make the in most of it; met at noon; Windbag started imme- diately after ; without sto Crancy took his place whilst he stopping ; C1 ome back lan continued his speech of hour. turn of duty ; TANNER volun iy agreed os to Govern- It oe be An Anxious Moment. sticking a pin in his - AR ressed to Her HARLES THE FrRst never —Booing all day for Ba1- dbag SEXTON d 0es ; House | ™” went on for full hour secon Windbag back again io aeing § o’ Clock, Lesad to take a after ous oo interval puffing and te with leome signs of growing feeb iat collapsed, and others got iy oe — fleet ds a ys to come at till Seven leness. At e thief Appropriation Bill “* Au reservoir,” E. Harrmetox, who hasn't sat near Josep Gruis for years without obtaining some smattering of the language spoken at Paris. ‘‘Some of us are going to spend the seed 4 in prison, but we ’ll come back with the flowers in Spring and ‘or Batrour.” Business done.—Practically, all. ROBERT BLAKE. 1598—1657, “ ApmrraL Biaxz was the first man who made the name of England to be respected abroad, and also the first to see what the Supremacy of England on the a meant.”—Lonp C. Benzsrorp at the unveiling of the Braxe M at St. Margaret's, Westminster, Srovt Sailor, pride of of Enghend’s triot sons, Who vanquished her most valiant sie, Vay Trom P, Cast forth from her t reat Abbey Thy fame shines bright as At Santa Cruz thy keen ueenship of the Sea. The path to England’ What ma ter patriots learn from thee, In days of slackened will and shaken law ? Not swelling words but sturdy deeds were thine, Not ee voluble but valiant strokes. Thou, firm of fibre as our native Didst bear our flag unchallenged o’er the brine ; Made England’s name and her power Acknowledged over all earth’s watery ways. Englishmen, emulous of such splendid praise, Sailors, who i sea-sway our native dower, Patriots who’d keep our tness at full flower As in those strenuous days, Sean that t record ; as exemplar take Our first of patriot Seamen, Ropert Brake. glorious pomp, e the guns 7 7 and saw IN THEIR CHRISTMAS HAMPERS. H.R.H. the Prince of Wales,—Brand new Captain-General’s and Colonel’s Reversible Uniform of the Honourable Artillery Company, and £500 for mili purposes sewn up in the tail coat pockets with the H.A. Co.’s compliments, thanks, and kind inguiries. Mr. Gladstone.—The fancy dress costume of a Neapolitan Lazza- rone, together with Mr. Coon 8 coupons for a circular three weeks’ tour in Southern Italy. Lord Hartington.—A bundle of ‘‘ Grand Old Man” crackers, fur- nished with appropriate — Lord Charles eresfor d.—A cheque on the i, Zeensury for Twenty a o Blebeey: to ** Naval ee or order. —A thoroughly New Egyptian Puzzle (Key wanting F rtrait of Lord 8 i aoropt.—F anc 1 ri) ALIenuRy as the typical | ** White Maw chess “ Lord oa .—Gladstone bag containing Liberal-parti- coloured costume with f: mp ol ** Suivez moi!’ Sir James Hannen. = % showing Red Letter Day three years hence as possible date for termination of a certain protracted Commission. | The Czar.— Bal Masqué disguise of ‘‘ Peace at any Price,’ Handbook of Sentiments to match. ’ with M. de Lesseps.—A draft at t for £35,000,000, unlimited con- fidence of patriotic supporters, no awkward questions asked about | probable date of completion of the C The Emperor of Germany.—Shilling Handy Guide for the Con- duct of Young Potentates, with th special pappeees Essay on the use of the personal pronoun in public manif Mr. Augustus ~ ag Schedule — the Booking Office, showing the disposal, three months in advance, of all the Stalls — coe Circle places at Drury Lane to witness his new Panto- Lord George Hamilton —A new pair of spectacles, not tinted couleur de rose, with which to survey the present condition of the British Navy. General Boulanger.—A Dictator’s trick hat, warranted to assume any new shape, according to ci ircumstances. Honourable A Company. —A Repaired Royal Charter with H.R.H. the Prince “of ALEs's best compliments and congratu- lations. Mr. Stanhope.—Little volume, entitled, Facts Controverted ; or a Hundred Ways of Shutting up the Parliamentary Awkward Questioners. the British Cabinet. An Ontornat Conner Man.—TZhe Complete Angler. The Mahdi.—Hymn of Jubilation over the general discomfiture of |

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504 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Decmmper 29, 1888. LITTLE PUSS IN BOOTS; OR, THE CATS’ MEET AND THE HUNTING KIT! (OUR PANTOMIME POEM) Say URS NOP: SENN aN x \ ~» ./ » \ . ee BRATS ie —R: vr W s \ Lad Tue Early Bird hadiendipething the worm, By way of parenthesis let us remark, Who resented the act with a struggle and squirm ; That the Bright Chanticleer was only a lark The Bright Chanticleer had proclaimed the morn, - Who was kept in a very small cage on a shelf, And the Huntsman already was sounding the Horn. And who got up so early—he rose with himself. Con spirito, The morning was bright, and the air was sweet. = amen Not a cloud in the sky— not a prospect of wet ; 64) Ses On the sward there atembled, a very amart st, For there was to be—a special Cats’ Meet.

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| Deomunen 29, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 305 ihe ene by me ® dea mes) ; ree yey so do eo py Re cnn ogee Also to mention, I must A truce to our mirth—we ’ve run That the hounds were Kittens ner dt, And Hunting Kit bad the wens sing = sieves el om ey aay t in ’em— We'll t Pa con Som neo he slept in ’em. To With molto chic ttt 8va. Ss ouneien ~ ~ - Vive la chasse! Vivela chasse! Ikeep to road, and not de wy ini the sweetest of sounds Ie the glorious purring and mewing of hounds. ! We are off, and the air soon is ringing Wit the sound of the unison song we are singing. OUR HUNTING SONG. mf ads go..0..0! Hurrah, the View-halloa is heard—'tis a “ mt ferweed "aos Poodle has “ foe far behind.” spting the landlords) nobo bobody care ia And ( coop Christmas—have left their cards on We come to the farm of a effect of the crystallised snow over roots, trees, hela wad beriges Woon amed with a ork as well ass scow!. Picturesque, but, in seslity, a nuisance, as it tata —_ He’s very irate, some bie on and then slosh ush—ugh ! Still, so far, these are the Goes every hound, with leap er with bound, Correct Cards for Christenes (Cats’ metre.) O’er hill and dale we fiy..y..y; To - day a mouse must ame, en a . = , , die. .1..i! Thro’ hedges and ditches, Thro’ thorns and switches, We ! v ¢ go..0..01 And all singTai - ly oh! Tailyoh! a. oo A rv oe earth. But hi soer wie Here ’s a much better find, need, brave A N.B.—‘' God Audience has not already departed, which is more than pro Ou, have ye heard of what’s oc- | So General, likewise Marsha/ curr In the Hon’ble Artilleree ? The town’s alarmed for they were ” there's an end disarmed Of the Hon’ble Artilleree !” Last Wednesday as it might be, ; ; When they said: ‘we can’t five| Refrain (sotto voce by Privates hundred grant and Officers.) Fer purposes muliitanye.” We don’t intend this to be the Then H.R.H. said, ‘‘I will tache en Them what ’tis to of-fend me. | Of the Hon’ble Artilleree ! Correct Carnps.—Messrs. Bran Brora fireside pone | (To be Sung with the Huntsmen's remaining breath.) Let's home, brave boys, Let's home, brave boys, | flesh of the horse we'll feed, brave boys,we'll feed, brave boys! THE HON’BLE ARTILLEREE. to first ; A old runs house— A glorious burst! Owl cried to Kit we never quite knew, said to Our toast " Sle -ow,” In a bum-per of cow, On the - A we. Ww Save the Queen!” may here be pore it if the (Arn—‘‘ The Ryal Artilleree,”) a Of them 1 will not be: if they don’t mend, then

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decemezr 29, 1888." Policeman. *oliceman “Hutto, Sin! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!” Enthusiastic Musician (who is mistaking a doorstep for the Key-board 0) an Organ), ‘‘C-C-CARNTCHER HEAR ? Bacu'’s Fvovse we E Mryvor! ‘No, Sim; NEVER HEARD OF HIM. Don'TCHER KNOow B- AAU tt | || | Lid. + THE FESTIVE SEASON. I'M P-P-PLAYIN’—(hic)— acu’s Fuevur 1x E Minor?” CoME ALONG, AND LET ME sEK you Home, Sir.” Enthusiastic Amateur. ‘‘ No; GO aWayY. 1—(hic)— WOULDN'T BE SEEN GoINe Home witH A MAN THAT pDon’T KNOW B-Bacnu’s Fvovre 1n—Aic)—E Minor!” | THE WASSAIL BOWL. Good gentles all, Christmas, like Love, is o'd, et ever new: Full eighteen hundred flying years have left that saying true. | The old Bodleian Wassail Songz, a Carol in Black Letter, | Punch here adapts to mstant needs, modern Muse do better ? A JOLLY wassail bow! A wassail of good ale, Will warm each drinker’s soul. Hail Christmas! and all hail His jolly wassail ! Good gentles at our door, Our wassail we begin. Good health to rich and poor ! You all are welcome in To our wassail ! Can Our wassail we do fill With all that’s sound and nice : We ask you with good will To taste ; take good advice. And our good wassail ! Without why should ye stand} All shivering in the cold ? It is our host’s command Ye enter and make bold With his wassail ! Much joy to this our hall With Christmas enters in, Punch, just to start the ball, Will tirst dip beaker in To our waasail ! He drinks good health all round, To little and to big, Turn up all taps unsound, And try a hearty swig, Of our wassail ! Drop Party Spirit quite, Tis heavy, heady, stuff, “ men — doth invite 0 tipple quantum suff : Of his wassail ! Come, jovial Mr. But, Our spicéd bowl you'll try, stingo rare ’tis full ; No head-ache by-and-by From thts wassail ! Coy Miss Hisexyia stands outing red lips—in vain. Come, Ext dear, join hands, You ean do nought but gain From our wassail ! Come, JonaTHan, old hoss, And fur-clad Canapa, A right joint bumper toss ! You won't find *‘ bitters”’ pay Like our wassail ! Bismarck, my boy, no doubt Our tipple is less ‘* stiff”’ Than your champagne and stout. But let’s drown every tiff In our wassail ! No port South African, Or Sherry of that ilk You ’ll find therein, old man ‘* ’ Tis strong, yet mild as milk Is our wassail ! And Wr1t11M too, we hope, Despite satiric shaft, You i join the genial Porr In one deep generous draught Of our wassail ! BovuLaNnGEeR—drop queer prank !— De Lesseps—keep up heart !— Whate’er his “‘ flag,” each Frank Is welcome to a part In our wassail ! Russia and Turkey, too, And Italy, and Spain, Dutechmen—you like stiff brew !—! Come ail, and take a drain Of our wassail! It is a noble part To bear a hberal mind, And Punch's spacious heart Holds room for all mankind— So drink wassail ! Good luck betide you all ! One bumper more we ’ll fill ; Punch hopes, and ever shall, For Peace and for Giood-will. That’s his wassail ! | SHAKSPEARE FoR THE Season (by one sur- feited with sensational shillingsworths),—*‘ 1 am ill at these (Christmas) numbers!”

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_ — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemerr 29, 1888, SONY } Ni NYY Row g THE WASSAIL ‘DROP PARTY SPIRIT QUITE, 'TIS HEAVY, HEADY, STUFF, ALL MEN PUNCH DOTH INVITE TO TIPPLE QUANTUM SUFF: OF HIS WASSAIL! BOWL. “GOOD LUCK BETIDE YOU ALL! ONE BUMPER MORE WE’LL FILL; PUNCH HOPES, AND EVER SHALL, FOR PEACE AND FOR GOOD-WILL. THAT ’S HIS WASSAIL!”

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Decemsrr 29, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 309

THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. November 15.—Woke about twenty times Garing the night, with terrible thirst. eee 2 the on He we 00 in . dreaming y t last night’s Sesty oes Miailare, and that a lot of low ag ae, without Savanna, oven kept chafing, wing things at Mr. Pexxurr, till at Nees the: ide him in the box- i ad just discovered), with a It seems a now annoyed me by saying, ‘‘ You know champagne never agrees with you.” I told her I had only a couple of glasses of it, having yp entirely to port. I added that good Nobody’s Child. | nobody, and Lurry told me he had only got — 7 it from a traveller asa favour, as that particular brand, ‘‘ Jackson Fréres,” has been entirely bou Club. I think I eat too heartily of the *‘ side called them. I said to Ca ‘I wish I had put those ‘ side dishes’ I ted this, but Carrie was busy, packing up the tea- spoons we borrowed of Mrs. Cummines for the party. It was just half-past eleven, and I was starting for the office, when LuPrn appeared with a yellow complexion, and said, ‘‘ Hulloh, Guy, what priced head have you this ~ am I told him he might just as well speak to me in Dutch. He added, ‘‘ When I woke this morning, my head was as big as Batpwin’s Balloon.” On the spur of the moment I said the cleverest thing 1 think 1 have ever said; viz., ‘* Perhaps that accounts for the parashooting pains.” We all three November 16.—Still feel tired and headachy! In the evening Gow1ne called and was full of praise about our party last Wednes- day. He said everything was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously. Gowrne can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never know how wt he will last. For instance, he ped to supper, and seeing some blanc-mange on the table, shouted out while the servant was in the room, ‘‘Hulloh! The remains of Wednesday ?” November 17.—Woke up quite fresh after a good night’s rest, and feel quite myself again. I am satisfied a life of going out and Society is not a life forme. I told Saran not to bring up the blanc-mange again for breakfast. It seems to have been plead on our table at every meal since Wednesday. Cummunes came round in the evening and congratulated us on the success of our party. He said it was the best party he had been to for many a year, but he wished we had let him know it was , as he w have turned up in his swallow-tails. We sat down to a quiet e of dominoes, and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of Lurry and Franx Mortar. Cummines and I asked them to join us. Lupin said he did not care for dominoes, and sugges a e of ‘‘ Spoof.” On my asking if it required counters, NK and Lupin in measured time said, ‘* One, two, three; Go! Have you an estate in Greenland?” It was simply Greek to me, but it eupeese it is one of the customs of the ** Holloway Comedians” to this when a member displays igno- rance. In spite of my instructions that b/anc-mange was brought up again for supper. To make matters worse, there had been an attempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it. Camere asked Lupin if he would have some, and he replied, ** No second-hand goods for me, thank you.” 1 told Carnie, when we were alone, if that blanc-mange were placed on the table again, I should walk out of the house. November 18, Sunday.—A delightfully quiet day. In the after- noon Lupin was off to the rest of the day with the MuTLars. He departed in the best of spirits, and Carrre said, ‘* Well,one advan- tage of Lupry’s engagement with Dalsy is that the boy seems happy day long. That quite reconciles me to what I must confess seems an imprudent engagement.” About nine o'clock to our surprise Lup entered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which I must say seemed rather theatrical, said, ‘‘ Have you an brandy?” I said “‘ No, but here is some whiskey.” Lorin p Boow off nearly a wine-g without water,to my horror. We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carnie and I rose to go to bed. Cannre said to Lup, “‘I hope Daisy is well?” Lopry, with a foreed careless air that he must have picked up from the Holloway Comedians, replied: ‘*Oh, Daisy? You mean Miss Murzar. I don’t know whether she is or not, but please never to mention her name again in my presence.” Sympathy. (Finlay’s Version.) I stts with a cynical look If the G. O. M. axes me Te I (mentally) ‘‘cuts him a snook ” : ** Lack of Sympathy makes me,”’ sez I.

ght up bya ~End | Co es,”’ as the waiter

ROBERT ON THE EFFECTS OF BANKWETS. My rewelations on the subjek of Toastes has brort me lots of corre- me if I was serous in my statements. ndents. Sum on ’em hy in coarse I was, tho’ I’m not much surprized at the question. Why I remembers wun case as beat for down- right imperance ev: ink as I hever herd on. Chair- man got up dreckly after dinner and acshally all the reglar Toastes all at wunce! in wun full swoop, as Brown said. It was at a Copperashun Dinner too. Sum of the yung fellers, of about 50 or 60, oubely larfed, but — the old ’uns shook their heds gravely. By the by, no wun in the jolly ppe un is considered as old much hunder np raps if I were cssleell how 1 in.c0 they Sess 9 lang 80 jollily, I cood a tale unfoald, but as I sumtimes has the idear of retiring from my pressent perfeshun and starting as a consulting Feesishun for wising all people as particklar wants to live well and to live long, how to do it, I wood rayther not unfoald that tale jest now. I may praps add, that my xperience in that ickler line is probberbly almost quite uneek, and in werry cases of rich and tom a) lib ft. Gents oe mevey > wishes a re just q ew years longer in good an oe ve ma priwetly hinenl by letter addresst to the hoffiss. It ma cstoniah sum peeple to hear that ony the summer before when I was offishiating on bord the Grand City Barge, I was told, and 1 bleeves it, that in one sq as was danced, the ages of the four ennelmen who was a dancing amounted to ae | nearly three undred years! and they all, had werry yung and werry pretty partners. One of the many results of m dene xpesiente in the dining ino is the conwicshun that the werry fraest ygester of a reelly scrumshous Bankwet is Good Natur, or Good Temper, whichewer you likes to call it. 1 can always tell by the tone and manner in which a Gent addresses me at table, how he’s a gitting on in that werry himportant respek. lf he speeks sharply or surlyly to me, I knows at wunce wot’s a goin on in his hunfortnite hinade ide, and I says to myself, ah! if you had the good temper of a hold Citty Deputy, that patty of For Grar wouldn’t be a trubblin of you as it ewidently is, wile if he’s a good-tempered feller, he smiles at me when we cums to the werry larst coarse, and says, ‘‘I’m not quite sure, Ropent, as I wants an more, but it reelly looks so nice that I thinks I’ll try jest a «em peace.” And so he does, and then tosses off another bumper of his speshal favrit drink, aud then leens back in his chair smilin and appy an uli. And what grand fellers sum men are after a reel good dinner! Sum hignoramuses sumtimes wunders why, when sum of our w grandest charitys wants jest a helpin and to help ’em to keep up their noble hinstitooshuns for all kin and nobel hobjeks, they begins by arsking a lot of people to dinner, and says wot a waist! Bless their a hignorance! Who nos, so well as we Waiters nos, wot the effees of a good dinner is, how it the art, and unloosens the tung, and unties the puss strings, out the money. Why many and many an old cormud or away a suvverain to ewen a poor relashun when in his strickly sober and cawshus moments, after a sn 4 dinner with plenty of fine old Clicko Shampain or the dri in his estonished hinside will put down his name for five or ewen ten ginnys wen the fatal paper cums round, and wen he nos that whatever he gives will be enounced in a partickler lowd woice by the Lordly Tostmaster. The horful gs of regret when, the next morning, he calls to his fatal remembrance the wild hact < pay of w he has bin gilty owernite, is n nuffin to the wise men who founded the feast. Having dewoted nearly fourty years of my waluable xistence to the study of ind under these sumtimes rayther trying suckemstances, I arrives at this result, — that the one great hobjek to which all reelly sensibel peeple shood de- wote themselves, supposing as wishes to stand hi in the opinyuns of others as well as their own, is to dewote their cheef thorts, and their cheef study, to the eccomplishment of such a series of reelly nobel Bankwets, as, both by their present ge and their subsekwent refleckshun, will shed an halo ower morta] xistence. Roperr. who never praps

Suakin. PiuckrLy done, and ptly! Here’s a sample, Tako too lose halting Beatvamen, a example e, = By that short, sharp half-hour at Suakin

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Dzcumezr 29, 1888. A VOCATION. “‘AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE, Tommy? ‘I"m Gorn’ TO BE BIGGER DAN Yous” A TENNYSONIAN INSPIRATION. “ We understand that Mr. W. 8. Grinart has expressed his determination—never again to write another Szniovs Pray.” Wuenrevron one of our Bards, inspired, sang :— ASK ME NO MORE! Ask me no more—to write a Serious Play, The crowd may stoop to ‘‘ Hands Across the Sea,” May troop to Invme or to BEERBOHM But from my loftiest Muse they turn away. And do but smile, when they are bid to “ Pray.” sk me no more ! Ask me no more—The Public’s doom is sealed. Never again, arrayed in sweetest “‘ shapes” (Of my design), shall Beavry stand revealed. No more legal lore be turned to japes And gibes, and ** scriptural terms” provoke the gapes, sk me no more | A Ask me no more, I hate the empty jeer. The critic’s hollow ‘‘ cheek ”—his cruel eye ye. Great Scott! Oh, Aow I loathe his damning leer. And when he chaifs—I 'd like his Ruddigore, I'd love to see him weltering on the floor ! Ask me no more! Ask me no more. Never again I vow Shall the crass critic lift his empty roar At serious work of mink. And now. I wish I’d vowed this vow BEFORE. And kept to “‘ Pirates ””—( Patience, ruddy gore !) Ask me no more! ! ‘* Tae Otp Masters’ Atsum.”—(Opinion of it by an Old Missis).—Mrs, Ram was much struck by this hand- somel -up photographic album. ‘‘ Indeed,” said the a © do think - =— book I’ve — seen or keeping photograp suppose its lishers belong to some old City Guild; the cupenlie de m dear? she explained to her Niece, Sod the Gui 2 named after some Saint.” ‘Indeed, Aunt,” returned Larima, “to what Saint’s Guild would this firm belong?” ‘I don’t absolutely know,” replied Mrs, R. one “but, I suppose, to the Guild of St. Albums.” THE WESTMINSTER PLAY. BUMBLE ON BEER. We all know Mr. Bumble’s opinion on the results of intulgins paupers in meat. ‘‘ Meat, Ma’am —y Y replied Bumble, wit a wealthy and prosperous Athenian, is ordered to medical advi Before doing so he entrusts friend GoscHENIDEs, stern emphasis—‘‘ you’ve overfed him, guardianship of his House at Westminster to his artificial soul and s Jam. You’ve raised a irit in him, Ma’am, unbecoming a person of his iri condition ; as the Beond, Mrs. Sowerberry, who are practical phi- and at the same time requests him to look after the doings of d- thrift nephew named CuvacuiLuio. He also bids Goscmay rpm to cute a law-suit, which he—Smiruicies—and his friends menced against a foreigner called Osmantxos. All these commissions No sooner, } is 8 — It might be reasonably inferred from this GoscHEn prs readily undertakes. will tell you. What have paupers to do with soul or 8 quite enough that we let ’em have live bodies.” how far this at and good man would have approved of Beer as a pauper verage. Punch feels tolerably sure that, were Mr. Bu ive to-day—as of course he is not—he would warmly commend the “* practical philosophy” shown by the a Board of Guardians safely abroad on his travels, than CuvuagcHiLuio breaks into the his fingers in the face of GoscHEnIpEs heavier fee paid to a man’ who is not friendly to|*,2t@ly recorded in morning peper. , we are told, ‘* offered to supply the paupers with a gratuitous cask of beer at HENIDES, joins in this demand purse containing a B Several Guardians demurred. Poverty was, they said, created by drink, and it would be contrary to their duty to distribute s amongst the men and women, many of whom were paupers through drink. Ultimately the Board rene by a majority, to on a Bank called ‘* Employer's Lia lost. Goscuentpes and his friends are, of course, very CHURCHLLLIO, who, on this ocoasion is supported by a num relations called Pauweturri; when Hagcovrtiss, a y”—which Bill is consequent! refuse to accept the beer. What enlightened conscientiousness ! What self-denial | What wise consideration for others! Think of interferes, seeing that CuuRcHILLIO and Mortis are and scandalous scenes that would certainly have been ristmas Day in Dolgelly workhouse, had “a artificial soul and spirit” been raised in those misguided, naturally high- irited paupers by the unwise indulgence of a glass of beer a-piece ! oted is t t a message from 4 Osmax1ko0s to be discontinued. ks to the fostering care of their dev: Guardians, there now every reason to hope that the festivities will be restrained within becoming limits. If one Guardian was weak n> offer beer, the rest, it is pleasant at this season of universal charity and - will to note, had the strength of mind to reply, ‘* Skittles!” himself in Italy with an acquaintance named GLapstowrDEs—sud- person to his House at Westminster, sends Srooruawra about his business, and gets (by the help of an able advocate named GRENPHELLIOS) a verdict i OsMANI denly returns in SHAKSPEARE FOR THE SEASON, (PATERFAMILIAS’S VERSION.) Tuere’s a Yule-tide in the affairs of men Which, taken at the flood, leads on to—indigestion ! “*Wuar’s this I hear,” said Mrs. Ram, “‘ about H.R.H. and the ble Artillery Moris and CuvRcaILLIO to absent themselves for the inhabitants aguinst y to Cooxroy, an Athenian distant lands, Monzis hastening to N. CHURCHILLIO ‘ of Chili and Peru. Company ?” GH NOTICE.— Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawin Pic ” , gt, or tures of any description, will im ne case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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Pmoe“’ ae Pro: s ee *-. weve S&S sw" @eFr ew tn — Decempsr 29, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Across the Water, 117 Ad Davidium Plunketum, 21 a ae Naval and Military Manceuvres, Admiralty Bellad (An), 156 Advertisement Gnctie 121 iture’s Latest Réle, 182 ermano Italiano, mt * All hai ag ty All the —_* Half- Deller (The), 238 Answers to Correspondents, 240, 253, 277, &e. Anticipations {of next Lord Mayor's Appeal ‘to the Public (An), 204 y ” 278 Arm the Armada (An), 213 ‘Arry on Competitive Examination, 258 on Baron's Book (The), 6 Bear Idea _— 198 Beautiful ~~ (The), 101 the Second, 109 Betey * Beware |” 230 Blindmar’s Buff, Le Pn r British Volunteer (The), 4 t-and- May's rs Girls, 48 ——- Beer, 3 2B yar Rig ioe our CALtio to Mind an Omissi Cay — of the “ Case Sound Medicine (A), 281 Catching the Early Boat, 205 Cave Canem ! 114, 191 189 ite Star” p volaraett won § a Festival, 99 prom bg: Sas Navy-ish Tricks { 293 Conqueror Jock (The), 2 Conundrums, 189 Conversation-Book for Offic ials, 80 61 a Cucumber,” 204 Correct Cardiff (The), 167 Cram de la Oram, 262 Crammer’s Lament (The), 238 Cramming versus ‘‘ es 4 Out Direct (The Cuttings Trans ated, 222 Dancer of Drowsiness (The), 138 Descent of Man (The), 57 Detective’s Diary & la Mode (A), 135 Detective's Rescue peg 189 of a Nobody e), 9, 22, 84, &e. nection (A), 246 Ditty for Dinard (A), 141 . Divine Shakspeare and the Great_Scott, 197 Down on Donnelly, 221 Drama— and Minor, 249 Dr. M'Jeky and Mr. O'Hyde, 78 Duel of Digestion (The), 192 Due North, 112, 2 = &e. EaR_y Riser (An), 29 Ecclesiastical Intelligence, 24 “ Education, or Starvation?" 219 Endicott's y, “9 eA wer Wim biedon ae nglish Essence of oT Feclliesns, 1l, rw ry &e. Ex-Pensive President, R.B. Explanation of the ty "Trick (An), 917 Extremes Meet, 40, 246 Faser Major Punchio Sno, 89 Faber Minor Punchio Suo, R.8.V.P., 27 ! 258 it Frank Holl, mo YY Free Lances,” French itetere 178 From a Nautical Know-Nothing, 72 Fruits from the Tree of Knowledge, 237 Fun ot the 1 N. P. Fund (The), 87 — Fox and the Bri Lion (The), Nicely, 2 Getting ~~ Good- Cokiicting Season, 171 Good Toys s Work, 213 Good Joke (for Clients) from the Law Courts, 102 Goody Tea-Shoes, 28 — Monument ine its Message (The), 4 Prospects for “‘ Stuffing Boys,” 16 Great Adventurer C) , and Friends in Pts = Foot at Handoub, 238 Names, 38 Harnessed to a Nightmare, 102 Heigho 'Bacey | 253 Her Majesty's Ship “‘ Blanderer,” 54 History -~ Mystery, 202 History of a Signature (The), 30 Hoe dear | 232 Hpme-Truths from Abroad, 4 Hon'ble Artillery (The), 305 Horrible London, 170 Hospital for Sick Children (The), 281 How Brer Fox Larfs, 94 How to get Out of it, 58 How to Score at Football, 274 How to Write a Christmas Story, 255 Ipgeat Gyurl e), 228 Immortality Indeed | 185 Important Personage (An), 45 Important Portent, 197 Impromptu at a Theatre, 166 Improvements in Theatres, 45 In his , 71 In Stata Pupillari, 171 Interviewing by Machinery, 51 In their Christmas Hampers, 308 “ Irrepressible Chinee ” | (The), 126 “Is Marriage a Failure?” 158 Israel and t, 110 Is Smoking a Failure? 106 Jack at the Windlass, 62 I'm Lon, a0s la Jeunesse | 61 Jottings = +4 Times, 4 July Jottings, 33 Kissino goes by— Phonograph, 298 Last Flare-up (A), 202 Last (Jury) Man (The), 167 Latest Knights, 25 Legal “ Exhibits,” 40 Legislative Work and Wages, 130 Lessons in Justice, 261 Letters before Proofs, $1 Liberal Unionist Bird (A), 154 Life-Boat —.ory (A), 268 Literal, 117 Literary Diet, 117 Little “ Cutting” (A), 158 Little Jem'’s Doom, 174 Little Puss in Boots, 304 Liverpool ». Lambeth, 89 London as She 292 London Blacks e), 158 Long Vacation Story (A), 107 Lacifer's Lament, 166 ** Manor,” 266 pepe 89 Magic and ney: Se ** Making a British Holiday,” 141 Mald Fide Travellers in Wales, 113 Manners make the Foreman, 72 Master Tommy's Domestic 100 Meeting of the Em (The), 45 Menacing Monster [The), 0 Moan of the Mounted One (The), 298 Model Man of Business (A), 274 Moral of this Season (The), 89 Most Ha; Th it (A), 278 oy! mt Mire oy , 74 a Midlothian Unionist, 225 ot Mr. Bull and Mr. re Christeas A Annual” Alpha- Mrs. Mrs. K the Treasury (The), 250 abe, 265 Music of the Ae 243 Music Score (A), 1 “My Y Hears inthe Highlands |” 102 Natiowat Game (A National Muddle (A — Naval ee, Nemesis of hoot (The), 150 New Armada New Civil Unifores & New Crusade, and the Five Champions of ad re Nursery Hime, 13 181 " (A), 214 Next Diplomatic Incident ), 219 Noble fers, 29 woe up in the Court of the 83 L.C. Notice to Quit, 290 Notion = a Juvenile Dramatic Art School, 5 Nous at Sinem 123 Now and Then, 285 Osviovs, 57 Ode to 0 Old Bt Spentende a », 187 n), Our Booking-Ofic, Toad, 180 don't he Love his Mummer |” 144 Oh (Folk) Law | 279 id King Coal, 194 $F. Ml, @, a. Our Debetiag Ciuk . Our In- Our “ Mutual Friend,” 18 Our Special Musical usical Critic (1), 260 Pace that k Richmond Hi ne, & Parliamen te, 227, &e. Pastellist of the Pavement ), 204 Pastoral to the “ Boy ” 142 5 i

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$12

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[Decemazr 29, 1888.

| “ Right to Know

Play-time with French ity, 209 Pleasant Ways of Glory ), 101 Poetry and Partridges, 109 Political Eyesight, 265 Political Gipsying, 73 (Political) Pres ures of Memory (The), 153 Pooh-Bar-rington Hall, 8t. James's, 273 Prayer-Book Revision, 204 “ Primate and Confidential,” Princess Popoffschin's Little Dinner(The), 109 Pro Bono Publico, 209 ** Professional ( Ypinion " (A), 90 Punch and “Judith ” & la Mode de Parry, 285 “*Qorre a little (Roman) Holiday,” 16 Quite Bradianghable, 101 " Quite English. you know!” 144 Quite Un-bar-able, 291 Rariway Reading, 106 Ration-a!l Diet, 120 Railway Tam O'Shanter (The), 86 “ Read him by his Form!” 9 Read This! An Unparalleled Prize! 282 Real Grievance Office (The), 267

Recent 8 y Proceedings, 52 Reckless Wreckers, 204 | “ Remember!” 262 (The), 257 Ritual and India-Rubber, 69 Rival to the Big Gooseberry Correspond- ence, 87 Robert at the Academy, 10, 16, 39, &c. Robert at the Cristial Pallis, 52 Robert at the Sea-side, 98 Robert Blake, 303 Robert on Harrystocratick Tradesmen, 29 Robert on Lord Mare's Day, 232 Robert on the Effects of Bankwets, 306 Robert on the New Lord Mayor's Show, 235 Robert on the Tartel Famine, 248 Robert on Toasts at Bankwetas, 297 Robert's Estonishment, 201 Robert's Excursion, 118 Robert's Long Wacation, 1¢5, 177 Robert's Story of Jack the Giant, 77 Royal Apparition (A), 171 Royal Society of Painters in Colours (The), 269 Royal Visit to his own Capital, 193 Ruby, 248 Saran la Tosca, 28 Sarah on the Development of Genins, 40 Saw il) Set (A), 230 Seen your Crispi ? 202 Selection of the Fittest, 789 Sensational to a Degree, 77 * Serious Question ” (A), 130, 143 Shakspeare Applied, 166 Shakspeare in the North, 61 Shaving Clause (A), 117 * She-that-ought-not-to-be-played 1” 132 Show of ‘ ‘Savoy Pare” (4) 169 “ Sisters Three” (The), 198 Six of One and Half-a-dozen of the Other, Water 288 “Slatin Bey,” 214 “Bo English,” 254 Bong by a Smal! Sho _ ver, 100 Song for the School Minstrels, 266 Song of Willow (A), e Song on South Africa, 57 Songs without Words, 183 Speciai Christmas Appeal (A), 242 Sporteman's Song (A), 214 Stanzas to Sirius, 98 Stopping the Strand, 287 Strikes in Paris (The), 150 Summer of 1888 (The), 38 Summoned for Rates, 168 Sweets to the Sweet, 262 Sympathy, 303 System (The), 125 Tae of One Hundred Cigars (A), 144 Tennysonian Inspiration (A), 810 Talking it Over Under Difficulties, 193 That Evening Pipe, 241 Through an Imperial Horse-Collar, 207 Through his Paces, 181 Toad's Diary (The), 166 To a Lively Authoress, 141 To My Hairdresser, 286 Too Advanced Sheets, 286 To Sir Polydore de Keyser, 225 To the Maori Football Team, 185 Transy!vanian Sport, 192 Travellers’ Dream-Book for August, 1888, 72 Treasury Mrs. Harris

Uspre.ca at the Opera (The), 48 Up Agaia! 98 Up and Down, 208 ro Mecam of a Chief Magistrate (The), * Venit ‘Summer’ "22 wee Seow View of it, 119 Voces 40, &c. Voice of m ), 04 Warrtye his “ Tura,” 186 Wail- Money, 268 Ww Veteran (The), 8 Wassail (The), 306 eng of tee Sosen (Foe, 274 Score (A), 41 Wigs aad Bonn 10 Wilfrid Lawson's in, 3 With a Mayer Maying, 257 Wolf at our Door ), 180 Wooing the African Venus, 134 Word in Season (A), 117 at ~ paeneetaad a Persecuted Race (A), Yasxese Doodle, 274 Yankee Doodle in a New Character, 58 LARGE ENGRAVINGS. Arratr of Honour (An), 55 Autumn Meet (The), 223 Blindman's Buff, 139 Christmas in the Commons, 295 Clearing the Course ! 7 Cramming versus “‘ Clemming” ! 259 Cut Direct (The), 115 Dr. M‘Jekyll and a O’Hyde, 79 Extremes Meet, 247 “* Fiat’ Justitia ys ¥ “ Free Lances |” German Fox and the British Lion (Tire) 235 * Lrrep ye Chinee |” e), 127 Landed ! 66, 67 aie “My Heart's in the Highlands |!” 103 Near the Mark, 43 Nemesis of ye as of “ e), 211 Our out Mutual Friend, Sona. ve . “ Professional Opinion : 1), 91 “ Remember |" 283 “ Sisters Three,” &c e), 199 Waiting his “ Turn, =F . Wassail Wise Warning (A), 162, 163 SMALL ENGRAVINGS. #acus, Minos, and Rhadamanthns, 75 Alderman Brownjones, Senior and Junior, 229 'Arry at the Silver Féte, 39 a= | WV: a -h. | Bigsby’s Horse and Street

|

Artist, New and Old Styles (The), 30 Awkward Meeting in a Picture-Gallery, | 198 Big Order at the Louvre Magasin, 96 oises, 6 Bismarck a Doctor of Divinity, 241 Blind Fiddler and Empty Parade, 167 Blind Impostor and a Swell, 274 Boulanger bobbing up again ! 98 Boulanger Bombastes and Fusbos Floquet, 7 3 Brown's Income, 3 “ Carry yer Bag, Sir?” 87 Cats’ Meet (The), 304 Centipede” Outrigger (The), 18 Chancellor on the Woolsack, 263 Cc of Perambulators, 109 City Man's Education (A), 166 Clergyman and _— Patient, 27 Coleridgian Conceits Colonel Sly boots and the Autumn Session, 205 Corporation Boar-Hunt (The), 26 Crusade inst Slavery (The), 70 Darby and Joan discussing Funerals, 219 Dauber finds his Little Gem, 73 Deerstalking in the Gloaming, 105 Demon-Bill- Poster (The), 170 Departure of Old Bailey and Newgate, 290 Detective and Bloodhound, 183 Dilapidated Monument (The), 158 Divided Skirt (The), 149 Doctor and Stout Patient, 279 Dunraven and the Sweater, 88 Egyptian Taskmaster and Jew Sweater, 0 ll Elderly Masher in a Music-room, 222 English Detective (An),°256 Eton Boy recommends his Tailor, 192 Fallen Foxhunter and Countryman, 207 Farmer and Shooting-Party, 191 First Meeting of the Parnell Commission, 143 First Week of the Autumn Session, 239 Fishing in a Scotch Stream, 95 Floods in London (The), 71 | Foxhunter and Hurdle, 297 | Foxhunter drops into Old Gent's Garden, 261 Foxhunter stopped by a Brook, 273 French Football Player and Friend, 213 Frenchman falling off his Hunter, 217 Generous Horse-Dealer (A), 122 Gentleman who draws up the Meteorolo- gical Reports (The), 117 Gladstone and the Madhi Ali, 153 Gladstone, the Old Guide, 242 Grand Old Stumper and Offshoots, 203 Hamilton Drake and the Armada, 14 Hessian Fly (The), 77 Highlander’s Boots (A), 15 House of Lords (The), 11 Hunter bought for Riding or Boiling? 177 In a Parachute in the Rain, 61 Intemperate Cabby and Fare, 99 Irish Schvolboy’s Definition of Sait, 111 “Is Everybody Wicked, Mamma?” 265 Japanese Sketch of O'Donnell Trial, 23 Joan tying up Darby's Shoe, 130 Jockey riding Owner and Trainer, 2 John Bull and Football Players, 206 Jones and Mrs. Brown at Dinner, 282 Jones spending his Evening at Home, 186 == =

OS

Jonson's Pills Advertisement, 21 Judges on Board a Steamer, 9 Ladies and Cads at a Charity Bazaar, 54 Ladies in a Smoking-Carriage, 97 Ladies’ Omnibus ), 108 Ladies’ Remarks on a Bore's Visit, 210 Lady and Policeman at Law Courts, 238 Lady at Circulating Library, 250 Leader « of re Appeals to Hercules, 254 Lika Joko and Parnell Commission, 215 Lika Joko at the Sea-side, 119 Lika Joko Crossing the Channel, 131 Lika Joko goes Yottin, 107 Lika Joko's Pic-nic, 155 a and Science Coal-bori ord Batlobeery Omnibus (The), 1 | Le and John Bull, 275 | Lord Wolseley ba Stout Soldier, 147 Major Bardolph at a Funeral, 106 Meaning of a anaes mong | " (The), 142 Middy and Impecunious Uncle, 118 Milkmaid (The), 182 Moore's Exhibition of Delight, 277 Mossoo Shoots through Squire’s Hat, 141 Mother-in-law’s Wish to be Cremated, 51 Mr. Bull's Warning to Miss < yom 230 Mrs. Harris and Mrs, Gamp, Mrs. Slibotes and the Beaty § Show, 154 Mr. Topple’s Restive Mare, 237 Musi nebriate and Policeman, 306 Naming the Eighth Child ‘‘ Octopus,” 262 New Meibers of the Grocers’ Company, 58 New Mistress and Cook's Wages, 202 ae 4 Policeman at the National Gallery,

, 194 New Yankee Governess (The), 258 “ No Microbes in Tobacco,” 94 “ Nose-bag ” Excursionists, 126 Numbering the Foxhounds, 201 Obituary Advantage to Subscribers, 34 Old Bachelor and the Sugar-Almond, 234 Old Gent and the Rusty Lawn-Mower, 82 Old Lady and the Maid’s Follower, 62 Old Lady's Fall through Orange-Peel, 214 On the Stump, 179 Opinion on the Clergyman and his Wife, 93 Our Patriotic Artist on English Beauty, il4 Oar Poet and a French Friend, 4 Our Real Defence against Invasion, 57 Painting an Actor's Portrait, 150 Papa and his Daughter's Suitors, 294 Parliamentary Gent and Cab’ ne 226 Parliamentary Wimbledon (A), 35 Parnell Commission—Lunch-time, 227 Pickpocket and Landlord's Watch, 1v5 Pity the Poor a ! 287 Playing at Husbands and Wives, 90 Playing Ringoal, 188 Playing “‘ The Ticket of Leave Man,” 178 Plucked One Retorts on Examiner, 225 Political Patches for Ladies, 299 Powers and the African Venus 8 (Th), 134 Practical Joking Punished, 100 Professor who does not take a Bath, 291 Railway Passenger in Wrong Train, 255 Railway Tam o’Shanter (The), 86 a Reducing the Figures, 251 Rising Lawn-Tennis Player (A), 159 Rival Chanticleers (The), 218 “* Roses of Sharon,” 135 Row in the House (A), 63 Royal Academicians at Work, phy Sanding the Street as you go, 301 School- Board Minstrels, 266 Schoolmaster with Two Bireh- Rods, 269 Scrooge and the Church Collection, 74 Shooting a Pheasant in September, 146 Shooting Grouse on the Moors, 83 Shy Curate and Miss aret, 267 Signor Foghorni and the Phonograph, 270 Speaker and his Wig (The), 221 Specimens of Men's bro! Dress, 208 Sponge Cake classed as Concrete (A), 46 Sportsman and the Derisive Pointer, 123 St. Swithin Triumphant, 50 Sunday Afternoon at Hampstead Heath, 102 Sunday School Treat in Rain, 42 | Sweating System Commission (The), 47 | Swell Knows Nobody North of the Park, | 78 | Tailors and their Customers, 243 Tall Marine Colonel and Little Hussar, $1 Thankysir Cricket ie), 25 Time and the Fed arcs 38 “Times v. Crimes” Debate in the Com- mons, 59 Tommy means to grow Big, 310 Toy Parachute (The), 171 Two Ladies on a Flattering Likeness, 231 Unemployed Officers at their Clubs, i 174 Westminster Pantomime hy 302

{ BRADBURY, acGvew, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.

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4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Dscemazr 29, 1888. OLD HIGHLAND WHISKY. Per dos. Perg (1. Age 7 years, Very Fine, 48s, 22s. " 10 » _ Extra Fine, 60s. 28s. » 18 y, For Invalide, 728, 348, » 25 ,, Finest Liquewr,1202, ... MOREL BROS., COBBETT & SON LIMITED), 210 & 211, PICCADILLY ; 18 & 19, PALL MALL. | Whisky Bonded Stores, /nverness, N.B. LIQUEUR OF THE Gt. CHARTREUSE. This delicious Liqueur, jately come so much into a = sense ssovealinn fom cot the. oof a8 the frinas cipal pineipal, Wine gad Spit Spirt siderably eae pre th ae than ye Role 4 ALL MAN'S eto WHISKY. THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1885. %, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET, LONDON, W. J. EXSHAW & 60'S TIMES? OLD 3) T. W. Seakemsee hoe. Ms, Repeat Street, W. ARMY REVOLVER, as supplied to H M. seuee ana aEVOLVER, a+ scom as adopted by the of yneueen 1 es Government, we me May d- - LS, and inchester je | oe yy A COLT’S HOUSE REVOLVER, REVOLVER, and DERINGER, for the Vest pocket; best quality only. Coit’s Kevolvers are all over worl. the Colonies. Yriee List COLT’S FIREARMS Co... Pall Mall -London 8. W. THE DIAMOND MARK. TO SECURE THE BEST HUNGARIAN APERIENT WATER, DEMAND THE DIAMOND MARK, and insist upon receiving the HUNGARIAN APERIENT WATER SOLD BY THE Apollinaris Co. Limited, LONDON. Of all Drurrists b> Mineral Water Dealers “THE REAL CUP 0’ KINDNESS.’ A Perfect Blending of the GHOIOEST Fine Old Whiskies, in their Native pore, as produced in Scotland, a, untampered with. Senta, 12 Yours’ Old. “ferric.” A LUXURY IN PURE SCOTCH WHISKIES. Name, Brand, and Registered Trade Mark, ENAMEL B.O.5. BLENDED OLD sOCOTOH An exquisite Blending—8o0 harmonious in combination—S8o evenly balanced—So ce cately toned—A flavour #0 rare—S8o tania ly pleasant on the Palate — Possessing character so novel and so entirely ite own, that it may fairly claim the very first place among high-class stimulants. Clever judges pronounce it “ unique and anrivalied.” COLORS EXQUISITE SURFACE LiKE PORCELAIN. POWELL’S BALSAM ANISEED. For COUGHS, ASTHMA, BRONCHITIS, &e. Bold by ¢ hemists throughout the world. No family should be without Paris, Beral, Roberts . Hogg; Brussels, Pharmacie Delacra; Gev Baker; Rotterdam, Banten Kol ff. Fstabiisned over 8 years. Prepared only THOMAS POWELL, Blackfriars Road, "vendor, LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. uence of Imita’ LEA a PERI Ns’ Sauce. irulessa to deceive the Pe which ere diie leaé Sapeens beg to draw attention to the fact that | tle of the Original and Genuine i WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE signature. thus - Lea Goria ; * Bold uilitic tn ounatit by the Proprietors, W orcester Gam & Bractwre, ae and Export Uumen Ketail by Dealers in Reuces , the World. WEILE T0U AMUSE THEM WITE RICHTER’S ANCHOR BOXES! ‘These Boxes contain REAL BUILDING STONES im their natural co eee [Li OsTaarem Cataloour to F, n D. RICHTER & CO.., 65, Fenchurch St., LONDON, E.C., & 310, BROADWAY, NEW YORK. HOWARD BEDFORD PORTABLE RAILWAY TERRA-COTTA! PORTABLE! FOR OVAL! Roseats’s (Iuraoved) Parext. Pure and ample | heat 24 hours for about Id, without attention - Greenhouses, he., ac. Pamphiet an testimonials sent. in use daily at EX T. RORERTS, 112, Vicrowra S17... Weermineren stoves ../000.. (= FOR DELICATE CHILDREN. SQUIRES CHEMICAL) FOOD A PHOSPHATIC FOOD Ur by Parcel Post free direct from SQUIRE & SONS, 413, OXFORD STREET, LONDON, B.O.8. is remarkable for ite “ del ee = Fh pee Se BEST. pes. : | Wl = a AA Di ng Pe Ney + a a Sweets. INFANTS ‘aa ea ae Dikidsest individuality of flavour,” mellowness a softness on the palate. Twelve Years Old 60s. per D« Eight ” ” a Five 42s. Carriage Pald a Cases of 1 dos. and upwar rds B.0.8. is sold in mare white b« 4 labelled and capeuled Cases charged 22, Dozen, allowed for when —- Dosen allowed for empty B. 6. . bottles. bs poy ee hiskies. 80 confident are they of The are skilled biendere of yu tena a sing isang Bers, Cn 0 a rT in ee &. 24., %. “aad te. Oh senpelney, 4 PEASE, SON & CO, DURHAM, ENCLAND, AND AT 14, QUALITY oraer?, LSITE. PP... eembban | BRANDS of the Highest Classes of | ae oh A me a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Deocemsen 29, 1888. One nnn enn TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS, Mesers. SAMUEL BROTHERS manufacture and hold ready for immediate use a Stock of High-Class character. This includes Eton Svurts for School or College wear, and many exclusive novelties in Surrs and Over- CoaTs. Special designs, suitable for Juvenile Parties, Balls, &c., have been prepared in Plushes, Velveteens, dora Cloths, &c., &e, LLL 65 & 67, LUDGATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. (ONLY aneeumn) CATALOGUE AND PATTERNS FREE. “ Count” Serr. SAMUEL BROTHERS. finite “ Paurttencr ” Sore. FRUIT "2 TREES 74 Acres. arm 20 Acres. 8s. doz. 60s. 100. 6@ Packing and Carriage Free for Cash with Order. ORNAMENTAL TREES, 91 Acres 4 ACRES of GLASS. CLEMATIS (80,000), 12s., 188., and 24s. per doz. TAMAR S0LD A UAKATIVE, REFRESHING FRUIT LOZENGE, VERY AGREEABLE TO TAKE. FOR CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Loss of Appetite INDIEN GRILLON. E. GRILLON, 69, Queen Street, City, London. BY ALL CHEMISTS AND DRUGGISTS, 2a. Gastric and Intest troubles, —— arising from them, 6d. A BOX, ROSES (in Pots), from 15s. per doz. SEEDS & Vegetable, Flower, BULBS and Farm. DESCRIPTIVE 11878 FRER. RICHARD SMITH & CO., WORCESTER. sVICHY| GRANDE-GRILLE, "wiisy orcs: CELESTINS, "insect Dintotes, ac HOPITAL, rer stomact compisints HAUTERIVE. An excellent Taste Waren. INGRAM & BOYLE, 52, Farringdon Street, £.C., AND OF ALL CHEMIFTS eBle MAPPIN & WEBB’S DRESSING BAGS. THE “PREMIER” AZOR STROPPING MACHINE Bvery Machine Guaranteed. a BEST BLACK INK KNOWN. DRAPER'S INK (DICHROIC). Of all Stationers. LONDON DEPOT; HAYDEN & CO, 10, Warwick Square, E.O. Manufactures, REWLEY & DRAPER, Ltd., Dublia. i |FLOR DE JAVA MILD INDIAN CIGARS of an exquisitely choice favour and delicate aroma, ~3.- S2a., 200. and ifs. per Box of 100, Post Free. Sampies, 4 and 6 for ls. (14 stamps). BEWLAY & CO., 49, Strand, and 143, Cheapside. (Agents for Great Britain.) “WELCOME ALWAYS, KEEP IT HANDY, -|GRANT’S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY.” Of all Dealers. Beware of imitations. Manufactured by T. GRANT & #60ON6, MAIDSTONE. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 32 PRIZE MEDALS. ANNUAL CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS 25,000,000 lbs. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. PERFUME Is the most Of the day, ‘sold by all class Terfurners. GUSTAV LOHSE, BERL! MADE WITH BOILING WATER. E PP SS COCOA MADG Were Se eee, WRIGHT S COAL TAR SOAP

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