Punch 1888-12-01: Vol 95 Iss 2473

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> annem A A A At tt Seal Spo Gea ss * PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. LM 1889. Will be Published on December 6th, = ee A ed a TY a DU SOL Teens PUL HOLS ibe te to MRNED 5 oH) , Pris | | Pa i Verag Lyd d i | ag St ys) Sa PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, Tinea 34 14 Mh: MAN pA ABD GOLD BY ALS BOORSELISRS. A Large Collection from ibe M. P’ s IN SESSION, enact Gallery. December 3. BY MARRY FURNISS. Price Five Shillings, “SONSd SSHYHL BON

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TWO NEW NOVELS AT ALL THE LIBRARIES. | A LIFE’S MORNING. By GROROE GIBSING, Aagthor of “ Demos,” 5 vols. , post Svo. He ” Thyres,” &e B i) “7 m of Molly “Airy Pairy Lite mm. Geoffrey -~ } vote post Bro leedon: Surra, Ecoea, & Co. 6 Waterice Place Now ready @izpence) New Series, No @ THE C CORNHILL MAG G AZINE containing “ Chaps © 12—~ Concerning =the ‘one Engitehman Not Seer but Singer’ —‘' Country Dances A Pirates) FSA.” and “A Life's Morning y the Author of “ Demos,” “ Thyrsa,” ac onciuded) Leeds furre, Boown, & Co., 16, Waterioe Place ONGMAN’S MAGAZIN L DECEMHER Price SIXPENCE E, 4 Sageew one bs xi Murre Pat on , head By De Andrew Wilson. Viter-Weather. fy . Cholmondeiey- Pennell. Jim." Ky Mre. Musgrave A Day's Stalking. Hy William Black ving and Gaving. Hy Mre Henry Keeve. ‘“erenge «op African Sketch. Lord Weeteary. “yA K. HB At the Sign of the Ship. ly Andrew Lang London LONGMANS, GREEN, & ©O By D. Christie by Miss Werner. ACMILLAN'S MAGAZINE. For DECEMBER. Price ls L. Greasy; by Bret —" & Bey Me Serusn Sater & Mats; by an 5 eur Richard a ap > 7. W. Mackall. 4 Names ip Fiction; by George Saintebury 8 Sandro Gallotti 6 Ressla and Eagiand; by H ©. Keene 7. Some Restene Sem Ce Bimetaliic Conference , : nt & Mre + ett Bre aula 6 English Sapphics; by the Hon Hallam | " 16. Marooned; by W. Clark Russell MACMILLAN & OO... LONDON DOUBLE CHRISTMAS NUMBER. WITS NEARLY ONE BUMDBED PICTURES. THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE For DECEMPER Full- Page Illustrations by Price One Shilling, cont Kh. FERUGLNI Gn Colow HENRY KRYLAN ia Colour WILLIAM PADGORTT (in Color ur }BORGE MORTON n Colou WwW. BISCOMI GARDNEK ) HM. HARLOWE, w. J. HENNESSY HUGH THOMSON The Contributions include; PICTURES w RYLAND, W. BISCOMBE NER, HUGH THOMSON, aod H KAILTON FICTION by F. MARION CRAWFORD ANLEY J. WEYMAN, W. EK. NOKRis, RTHUR PATERSON ARTICLES GRANT ALLEN, W AKCHEM, and BR WEN ALLSOP, Price ls; post, le Sd MACMILLAN & ©O., LONDON THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY ESTABLISHED 1825. Aceumulated Fund, 6? Millions Stg. FOR PROTECTION LINIWLSIANI P EDINBURGH, 8 George 6t (Head Office) LONDON, 68 King William Btreet, E.C. e S Pall Mall East, 6 WwW DUBLIN, 66 Upper Sackville Street. Branches & Agencies .m imdia & the Colomias PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Dsommasa | 1888. |VAN HOUTEN’S pure soLusle GQOCOA BEST & GOES FARTHEST. “It is admirable.’—BrITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL. REDFERN, LADIES’ TAILOR, GOWNS ATS ULSTERS “The most noted firm of Ladies’ Tailors in the World, and, be it said, the most original.’’—Vide Press. COWES, LONDON, EDINBURCH, PARIS, | NEW YORK. | LOHSE’S (MAIGLOCKCHEN) LILY MAPPIN & WEBB'S TABLE KNIVES. FURS | FOR CENTLEMEN. A large selection of Phy, . AM ¥ is the most fashionable of the day, FUR-LINED sold by all high class ferfumers. COATS GUSTAV LOHSE, BERLIN always on show, at prices varying from LIQUEUR OF THE ae Are Gée. CHARTREUSE and in the ‘ ae on This eli s I eur, which bh | execution of lately euune on anash ooe neat vane orders on sce unt of its wonderful properties tennhie of aiding Digestion and preventine Dyspeps:a, can punctuaiity now be bad of ail the p incipal Wine end Spirit Merchants thr — rut siderably less THE | WwW »bori INTERNATIONAL | FUR STORE, " 163, REOENT st.,| LON LON. he Kir ngdom, and at a con- e than formerly. &» e Consignee, may be relied on. >. Crutched Friars London, EC pS BALSAM OF Ay | A PLEASURE TO USE. Mover Requires Grinding. Mr. Hex Jav vINe writes . | ad rasors coeitene.” i KROP Case, complete, HMiack aa lvory Handle,7# REAL OFRMAY HOLLOW-GROUND from the Engli«h Depot, ~ Frith St, Scho Sq... Lond., ‘ RAZOR. FOR ASTHMA &C DATURA TATULA is ae P Q W ELL'S | BALSAM ANISEED, For COUGHS, ASTHMA, Baoncn ter ac. From all Dealers, or di rect Rold by ( hemi« ts throughout the rtd. He tasnity shovld be without it. Pars “‘persi, FOR SMOKING AND INHALATION Hrusse 6 Pharma ie Delacra ; — SAVORY & MOORE, London, | ®*"*: * inka + 9: ee | Ané of Chemis's THOMAS OWELL(: Ltd. ), Blackfriars Bd. ,Londes. COLLINSON & LOCK’S NEW CURTAIN MATERIALS, FINE SILK DAMASKS AND BROCADES, BROCATELLES AND TAPESTRIES, CRETONNES, CHALLIS, AND CHINTZES of the Finest Designs and Colourings. AN IMMENSE CHOICE ON VIEW AT REASONABLE PRICES. to 80, OXFORD STREET, W. ery where 76 | QUOTATIONS BY POST FOR ANY sizz ‘‘Treloar & Sons, Ludgate Hil. TURKEY CARPETS, WHOLESALE PRICES IMPORTERS, TRELOAR & SONS, 68, 69, and 70, Ludgate Hil! CATALOGUE OF THF BEST FLOOR COVERINGS POST FREE GRAND HOTEL! TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON, ENG. —_v — FINEST SITUATION. EVERY LUXURY ano COMFORT MOST RECHERCHE CUISINE. VERY MODERATE TARIFF, ] | OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KING apow CALLARD & BOWSER’S CELEBRATED BUTTER-SCOTCH, §* REALLY WHOLESOME m7 | Lancet THE BEST GLYCERINE SOAP. “PURE WHITE”. Softens and preserves the Skin and Com pilexo WHITAKER & GROSSMITH, 22, SILK S!REET, CITY, LONDON ls. 6d. of all Vendors, Post Free direct, and of Los nor Soar Co , 107, New Bond Street. DUCATE YOUR CHILDREN WHILE YOU AMUSE THEM WIt2 RICHTER’S ANCHOR BOXES! DEAL BUILD Ta oryn in their natural colour accom by }ooks of e-—2 oour print. never - end ng source d Amosmment 206 IneTavction Pie i Prices from 64. upwirds Write to-day for the —eeemennir ATALOOUS F. i RICHTER & CO., 65, FenchurchSt, LONDON, E.C., & 310, BROADWAY, NEW YORE. ROWLANDS KALYDOR is a soothing and emollient preparation for be FACE AND HANDS. It removes freckles, tan, redness, and rouy hae the skin comes Wy Se oe o tet we “ COLD “WINDS : soothes and relieves chaps, invitation and ch. biains more eflectual!y than aay other preparatioe BEAUTIFIES THE SKIN, | and produces a pure and FREE a or other poisons, and can be ased with mpasity o the skin of the most delivate lady or ebild: | bisa, 4s. 64. and &. éd.; hait-sized bottles, as any here for ROWLAND'’s KAL YD OR TT

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| Decemper 1, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. 253 HEIGHO Ode on an Empty Pipe. PLEASANT pipe, companionable clay ! Empty—like thy luckless master’s pocket, Fireless as Care’s candle burned away, Long ere daybreak, to the very socket! When a cove is penni- less and dry, Having whiffed the last of his small whack, he Can donought but pouch his pipe, and ery, Hewgho’ Bacey ! Heigho ’Baccy! derail e lonely cell longs for *BACCY ! By «a Hard-up Smoker.) I can ” ¢ ee 5 How the storm -tost | Becos sailor, far from and, Yearns in night’s long watch to ‘‘ blow” or ** chor” thee. Comfortable weed! Out on the churls, Scientific prigs, and sawbones quacky, Who find mischief in thy fragrant whirls, Heigho’ Bacey ! When the tinless toiler draws his belt With a trembling hand a trifle tighter To compress that vacuum each felt Who with poverty has been a fighter, If his lips may but caress his clay, Though cash will not run to glass or snack, he, With recovered pluck can peg away. Heigho’ Baccy ! When cold Care confronts one in life’s road, When bereavement chills the lonely ingle, When sharp disappointment wields its goad, When a chap is seedy, stumped, sad, single, Then, however sage ones chide or croak, Spite of doctor harsh, fanatic cracky, There ts comfort in a quiet smoke ! Heigho’ Baccy ! ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. CRICKETING VENTURE.—By all means carry out your ms of bringing over an Eleven of Caggerwee Canni slanders to play a series of Matches with the leading County Clubs next season. Your idea of accustoming | them to the game by letting them do their bowling, in the first instance, with a human head, and their batting with an adult thigh-bone, is excellent. Be careful, when you get them on to the field, that they donot eat the Wicket- keeper's gloves, and Longstops’ pads, or want to roast the Um pire, as they invariably do in their own national game of Balagoo, after the first innings. You could convey them safely to the Oval in any Police omnibus. Spec- tators, of course, would have to look out for themselves. Dress Cracte.—It would have been better had you not, on being removed from the theatre, offered to fight the three Box-keepers with your left hand, and knocked the Acting Manager’s hat over his eyes. Still your assailant had no right to obstruct your view of the stage by sitting on his great-coat, tod then throw you over into the pit when you complained. Try a cross-summons. Cuess.—You cannot move your Queen like a Knight, unless you get a safe opportunity, when your opponent is not looking. If you are getting the worst of a game when playing for a shilling, certainly knock the board over. This is frequently done in International contests and counts as a draw. Sportine.—You will be certainly right in entering your Four-wheeler cab-horse for the next Derby. Never mind the condition of his knees, but stick to your determina- tion to ride the horse yourself, and you may yet pull off bal | No privilege, Cuan iz, no pee the race with him. There is a slight entrance fee; but you can get any further particulars from any one of the | Stewards of the Jockey Club. Eriquette.—It is not exactly a breach of good manners at a fashionable dinner party to ask five times for soup, but it would be more comme i faut to be con- tented with three helpings. A blue satin tie and a buff waistcoat are not generally accepted as correct evening dress in the best society, but carried off with a little effrontery, they might pass muster. By all means try them at the Race Ball to which you refer, for if the worst comes to the worst, you can but be kicked out by the Stewards. Certainly, after the circomstances you mention, buttonhole the Duke, and if he resent the familiarity, slap him sharply on the back, and say, “I told you so, old fellow!” If this does not quiet him, repeat it. "ARRY ON COMPETITIVE EXAMINATION, Dear Caartie,—I’m down on my luck, fairly chucked, and no error this go. I was in for a slap-up new crib, and I thought I should come out top row; And would you believe it, old pal, though I did do a bit of a cram, I was bunnicked slap out of the ’unt all along of a bloomin’ Exam! Me, Cuan.ie! and bested at last by a lantern-jaw’d son of a gun, A ginger-’aired juggins in gig-lamps, who romped in before me like fun. Mugged a lot about Parley Voo, histry, and grammar, and Latin, and stuff, But no more in the know as a man, than a monkey—the tow-’eaded muff ! And this is wot Crammingjhas brought us to, Cuartie! Him give me the e can spell a bit better, and me sech a scorcher? Wot muck! [chuck, Hedgercation ’s a fraud, my dear boy, as they shovel it into us now, And I’m glad as some toffs as ’ave twigged it are raisin’ a bit of a row. Them there Nineteenth Century nobs knows their book, my dear boy, and no kid. Wish they ’d asked me to tip ’em my notions ; I wouldn’t ha’ charged arf a quid, I’m that fair on the bile, mate, about it. Competitive System? No doubt ' They may give it fine names like be blowed, but J call it a blooming Knock-Out. It plays into the ’ands of the mugs and the mivvies, the saps and the sneaks, — That ’s wot this dashed ‘‘ System” does, Cuantiz. A goose may be stuffed in _ &ix weeks, Fit to cackle slap through an Exam, but it’s all blessed fiddlededee To suppose that competitive cram ever turns out sech sparklers as Me, We are on the wrong lay, that’s a moral; the duffers are ’aving the pull. . look s the ba dear boy, how they ’re stealing a — on Jonn Butt, our sandy-top Sausage in specs is a copping our cribs and our tin, Whilst becos we carn’t creak in six es—bust ‘em !—we ’ve not a look in. It’s like this, old pal. Hedgercation is all very well in its way, But it isn’t the lingo as does it. A party may ‘ave lots of say, And yet when it comes to true smartness he simply mayn’t be in the ‘unt, And it is jest these ’ere pattering prigs as is giving us snide ’uns the shunt. Book-learning, dear boy, is like ochre, you don’t want to spread it oo fur ; If we'd all hedgercation and oof there would soon be a pooty fine stir. Teach all the poor kids ’ow to patter hitalian, and play upon flutes, And who’d sweep our chimbleys and sewers, or polish our winders and boots ? It,’s much too dashed levelling, Cuarntiz. The few as has bullion or brains Is meant for topsawyers as certain as mountains is higher than plains. Yus; Life is a ’’andicap, CHAaRLiE; it would be a blessed fine catch, If yer trained all the duffers free gratis, and made all the pots start from scratch ! ? Yah! that’s all radical rot ; It’s ’ad a long innings and wot’s the result? Things is going to pot. The swells ’as to sweat, and that spiles ’em, the commoners cram and go qucer, Whilst ’Arry’s cut out by a mug with a head like a dashed pot o’ beer. Pooty nice state of things and no error! ‘ Life’s jest a long scramble,” sez HaRRIson, : “Of pot-hunting.” Yus, and he’s right, and ’as’it on a 0. K. comparison. Blarmed noosance, yer know, if a feller can’t nobble a crib and a screw Without being crammed with more kibosh than Curve or Lord WeLLInoton knew. Wa ter Wren takes the tother side. Jest so! He lives up that street, dontcher He’s the crammiest crammer of all ; wish he’d taken a turn, mate, at me ; [see, He’d ha’ shoved me through somehow, you bet; he’s a long-headed, ard ’itting But a gent as is really a gent doesn’t want to be kep on the shove. [cove, Sez Wren, ‘* Would you bring old jobbery ?”” Warren, dear boy, that may do For a slasher in Quii7ER’s new monthly, the flaming ‘‘ Flamingo Review. Nepo—wot’s it?—soundsnobby, nodoubt, but remember that there Board o’ Works! Hum«n Nature is still Human Nature, and all on us cottons to perks. We wants it made easy for right ’uns, and nice for the nobs—and wot ’arm ? There ain’t enough nests to go round, let the few keep ’em cosy and warm. That may not be highpolite morals, or wirtue on stilts, but I'll trouble you To say if it isn’t the way of the world, my dear W. W. ¢ To be worried ’arf out of our senses—us dashers—by dollops of cram ; And then spiked like a juggins at last by an eye-bunger called an Exam ; Great Scott, it’s a jiggered fine joke. I’m with Freeman; Exams are And if we don’t bosh up that bizness Old England will go to the devil. [ad/ evil, Appointment by patronage! Ah! that’s yer sort, mate, I freeze onto that. Wot patron of sense would pluck me ’cos I ’adn't got grammar quite pat ? I’m iy. know each game on the board ; yet becos facts and dates I carn’t carry, That tow-’eaded mug cops the crib, and tm ehucked ! Yours disgustedly, *Axny. vol. ICV.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decemper 1, 1888,

~~ TO, Hires ms THe Macurvery or THe GoscHen PATENT ‘‘ WeeL AND Wan” Toy. Leaver or Hovsk ApreaAts TO HERCULES

~ —

= =< ©) O STN CRITICAL MOMENT. FOR ASSISTANCE TO MAKE THE FiGURE WORK. —

“Sn PNQTTSH? tion asa ‘‘ spy system.” Doesn’t the Englishman enjoy the Detective SO ENGLISH.” i the di in an exciting novel, and applaud Hawkshaw in ise of a W ew that seare took place in Whitechapel last week, the supposed navvy in the Ticket of Leave Man? Why, of course. The Execu- criminal was pursued by Policemen and five Detectives. Everybody tive and the Detective Departments shoul be as distinct as the | Here they come, all at once, jumped up from dinner , hand from the right e u perhaps ; down with the knives and forks, and on with their hats, and tion of one responsible Head. As Chief of the Detective Department, off they rush all together, these five Detectives. How mysterious! | we should select Mr. Witxre CoLiys, assisted by Miss Baappoy | And the fugitive escaped, after all, without any diffi- and L. B. Farsgox. This would be the nucleus of an intelligent What nonsense about an Englishman’s objection to detec- | staff, to begin with. ready to assist each other, and under the direc- —

am —

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-_— { Decemser 1, 1888.] hy ri i / } F } | ill "44 / a ’ 5 ‘ age?" | TEL WT - / SS: a é AY / PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a | r = } —— \ —- — Trate Passenger (as Train is moving off). ‘*Way THE —— DIDN'T You PpuT my LuGGAGE IN as I TOLD You—-you oLp——” Porter. *“*E—n, MAN! Yer BAGGAGE ES NA SIC A FULE AS verse. Ye’re i THE Wrano Train!” HOW TO WRITE A CHRISTMAS STORY. (By One who has Done It.) THE room was full of shadows! Visions of his past life rose before him! He saw his boyhood, which, as he glanced at the MS. on his desk, gave such an excellent scope for illustration. Could he not tetee to himself the arrival of the old-fashioned mail-coach in the Midlands; and had not this been actually done by one of the artistic staff attached to the periodical for which he was working ? Was not the proof actually before him? Did he not see the cheery coachman, and the red-coated guard? And beside this picture was there not lying a weird representation of some dark arches ? “* What does it mean?” he murm for the third time as he placed the drawing well under the lamp that was standing on his writing-table—‘‘ what does it mean ?” He was a d te man, and he felt that apne wast be done with it. It could not be wasted! No, it could not be wasted! It had come to him from across the sea—from an artist who had sought relief from pressing uniary embarrassment in the soft air of Spain. But it had to be introduced—it had to be written in. “* Ah!” he exclaimed at length, ‘‘I have it. This is a drawing of the Adelphi Arches. Mary must dream that therein she meets the slimy villain of my simple tale, Dr. Uttercadson, he of the too portly presence and the flowing moustache. The Adelphi Arches will be just the spot to meet him face to face and denounce him.” And the plodding author continued his weary toil, sending away slip after slip of paper upwards. And now and again would he glance * a pile of engravings and smile sadly as one by one he knocked em off. . “Come!” he said, speaking to himself—it was a favourite habit, ‘I am doing famously. I have worked in ‘the Wreck off Boulogne Harbour,’ and ‘the Grand Stand at Sandown.’ For a moment a duel to the death between two gentlemen in the costume of CHARLES THE SEcoND lexed me—I confess it—perplexed me! But I have surmounted the difficulty by ayy & in under the title of ‘the verdict is hotly discussed after the Bal Masqué,’ and writing up to it! But I must not pause! What have we here? A Child playing with a White Vulture and the Emperor of Germany opening in state the Reichstag. Well, I must introduce both subjects into my weird —and what is this?—two men descending in a | balloon at midnight in a forest? Hem! What shall I do? Ah, I have it! I can write up to that block, so that it may bear the appro- riate label visit the grounds of bolne Hatch by Moonlight unexpectedly.’ Still, I must confess that the subjects of the pictures handed out to me, although varied, are certainly ing. I wish my task were done!” And again he returned to his pen, ink, and paper. The room grew darker and darker, and nought was save the constant scratching of the pen and the occasional footsteps of the lad who carried away the sheets of paper. It grew darker and darker, and gloomier and | gloomier. Suddenly there was the sound of a deep grave voice. ** Pause! Write no more!” ; | The Author looked up angrily, and then nearly swooned with terror ; his hair ieee on ont _ ma li bey There was a re in white standing before him gure, 4 gruesome | figure, nn bare arms and dishevelled locks. | But the Author was a man of business, and, although every nerve | in his body was quivering with emotion, he confronted the spectre, and gasped out, ‘* ‘ Write no more’! hy not?” Then came the answer. It sounded like the knell of doom! The | Author knew it was all over, and that his occupation was gone—if | not for ever, for a long, long year ! " ‘* Why must you write no more?” said the spectral figure | natorily ; ‘* because we are full up; and because the rest of in the number will be required for advertisements ! ” And trying to read over what he had already written, the Author fell into a deep, deep slumber ! ‘The Lunacy Commissioners | | expla- the space Turr’xe beginning to ‘‘ manage these things better in France.” Edict of Prefect of Police banishing sandwichmen and advertising vans from principal Boulevards, has just been issued. Fancy cos- tumes for sandwichmen prohibited! We should like to see Mural Decorative Art taxed heavily, and to put up murderous picture- posters made an indictable offence.

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_——— [Decempgr 1, 1888, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. Ta * AN Esxouisn Derective. You MAY KNOW HIM ANYWHERE BY His Reeviation Boors. THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. November 8.—My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out of my Diary still fruitless. Loprw has Darsy Mvrzar on the brain, so we see little of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal times. Cum™ines dropped in. November 9.—Lurry seems to like his new berth—that’s a comfort. Darsy Mvr- LAR the sole topic of conversation during tea, Carrre almost as full of it as Lorry. Luprn informs me, to my disgust, that he has been persuaded to take part in the forthcoming performance of the ‘‘ Hollo- way Comedians.” He says he is to play Bob Britches in the farce, Gone to my Unele’s; Frank Mortar is going to play Old Musty. I told Lupty pretty plainly Nobody Nose. I was not in the least degree interested in the matter, and totally disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowrne came in the evening. November 10.—Returned home to find the house in a most dis graceful uproar. Cake, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside her bed-room, while inane was excited and crying. Mrs. Brrreve (the charwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top of her voice that ‘‘ she was no thief, that she was a respectable woman, who had to work hard for her living, and she would smack anyone’s face who put lies into her mouth.” Com, whose back was towards me, did not hear me come in. He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, in his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong language in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to hear him say, ‘‘ And all this fuss about the loss of a few es from a rotten Diary that wouldn’t fetch three halfpence a pound.” I said, quietly, ‘‘ Pardon me, Lupry —that isa matter of opinion ; and as I am master of this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins.” [ ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Saran had sccused Mrs. Brrrert of tearing the pages out of my Diary to wrap up some kitchen fat and leavings which she had taken out of the house last week. Mrs. Brreett had slapped Saran’s face, and said |she had taken nothing out of the oe as there was “‘ never no leavings to take.” I ordered Saran back to her work, and requested Mrs. Brerect to go home. When I entered the our LUPIN was kicking his legs in the air, and roaring with laughter. November 11 (Su ny | home from church Carrie and I met Luroy, Darsy Mortar, and her brother. Daisy was intro- duced to us, and we walked home together, CARRIE on with Miss Mortar. We asked them in for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future daughter-in-law. My quite sank, he is a big young woman, and I should think at least eight years older than Lurry. I did not even think her good-looking. Cann | asked her if she could come in on W y next with her brother to | meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be too pleased. November 12.—Cannre sent out invitations GowIne, the Cummines’, to Mr. and Mrs, James (of Sutton), and Mr. Strtiproox, I wrote a note to Mr. Francurinea, of Peckham. CaRRIe said we may as well make it a nice affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perxurr. I said, we were not quite grand enough for him. Carnrre said there was ‘‘no offence in asking him.” I said, “* Certainly not,” and I wrote him a letter. Carrie confessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy MvuTtar’s appearance, but thought she seemed a nice girl. November 13.—Ev y so far has accepted for our quite d little party for to-morrow. Mr. Perxvurpr, in a nice letter, which | shall keep, wrote that he was — in Kensington, but if he could get away, he would come up to Holloway for an hour. CaRRre was usy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs jellies. She said she felt quite nervous about her nsibilities to-morrow eveni We decided to have some light things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef, for the more hungry ones to peg into if they liked. Gowrne called to know if he was to put on ‘* swallow-tails” to-morrow. Carrie said he had better dress, especially as Mr. FkaNcHine was coming, and there was a possibility of Mr. Perxvrr also putting in an appearance. Gowrve said, “ Oh, I only wanted to know ; for I have not worn my dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases pressed out.’”’ After Gowrye left Lurry came in, and in his anxiety to please Daisy Mut ak, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact, disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old friend, Cummuves, who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a green- grocer engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if Darsy took im for one. I fairly lost my temper, and I said, ‘* Lupry, allow me to tell you Miss Daisy Mortar is not the Queen of England. I gave you credit for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled into an engagement with a woman considerably older than yourself. I advise you to think of i ya living before entangling your- self with a wife whom you will have to support, and, in all proba- bility, her brother also, who appeared to be nothing but a loafer.” Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupry jumped up and said, ‘If you insult the lady Iam en to, you insult me. I will leave the house and never darken your doors again.” He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was all =m Ze came back to supper, and we played Bézique till nearly 12 o'clock. THE TREASURY MRS. HARRIS AGAIN. Is there, or is there not, a Public Prosecutor? Last week we recorded how the Last of the Barons regretted the non-existence of such an official in this country, and Mr. Punch brought forward the evidence of Whitaker and Salary List to establish the fact of the P. P.’s existence. This week, in the Central Criminal, we find Mr. PuRce.t saying, that the case in which he was en was one that the Public Prosecutor ought to have taken up. hereu Mr. Potanp requested Mr. Purcett (what a lot of P.’s in this!) ‘* not to attack an absent official;” and Mr. Justice Hawkuys observ (this was Justice to Potanp) that in his opinion ‘‘ the Public Pro- secutor was quite right.” rf Now, what have we got? First, that beyond possibility of doubt, the Public Prosecutor exists. Secondly, that he is ‘‘an absent Thirdly, that he was, at the time of speaking, “‘ quite The last piece of evidence is important, and the Last of the Barons will now only have to regret that this official was “absent,” but will rejoice that on occasion he should be ‘quite right.” He is probably never absent on or about quarter-day, # Whitaker gives the salary of Solicitor and Public Peccssuter 1.6.5 two single gentlemen rolled into one, in the person of Sir AveusTUS K. Sreruenson, K.C.B., at £3000 per annum very kind of Whitaker to give it. Only—what’s done with it? Enotisa Cooxery.—We’re always hoisting the British flag, and we’ve done it again lately on Cook's Islands in the South Pacific. Great rejoicings at Coox’s Tourist’s ces all over the world. Islands now added to the list of the Cookeries on which the sun never sets.

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Decemper 1, 1888.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 257 THE ‘RIGHT TO KNOW.” Ir is an axiom with the Press—no ment it needs to show— ™ That, ‘‘ Other people’s busi-ness the Public has a right to know. Each blemish in a Hero’s life—of yesterday or long ago— His real relations with his wife, the Public has a right to know. New vee which all the world surprise are “* stolen straight from So-and-so,” k That ‘‘ all who please it plagiarise,” the Public has a right to know. Celebrities are interviewed, and all that, under torture slow, From their reluctant lips is serewed, the Public has a right to know. On deeds of ghastliness or gore a lurid light the Press must throw ; Details (as has been said before) the Public has a right to know. To publish ‘‘ clues” may serve to prime the criminal that’s lying low ; But—every step in tracking crime the Public has a right to know. State secrets to disseminate may harm a friend and help a foe ; The Cabinet may feel irate—the Public has a right to know. When scandals come before the Court that force a hardened cheek to glow, i , The whole unsavoury report the Public has a right to know. And still the journalistic dredge seeks new a ney sy below, Of which (ah, precious privilege !) the Publie the right to know. Yet Punch at times is fain to doubt if it were folly to forego, Or hard to learn to do without, some news we have the right to know ! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Mr. F. C, Purizps has scored again with his Zittle Mrs. Murray though he has not obtained the full marks entitling him toa special prize. The reader whotakes up Little Mrs. Murray will loth to part with her, ashe will be always curious to learn what on earth this erratic person is going to do next. As a matter of fact, she goes to a variety of ~~ places, but does no- — ee - thing— absolutely nothing, and nothing is done to her. She’s not well together, except in one instance, where they quarrelled over “* Mrs. Mashemail,” whom the author has descri as “‘a smart icy little body (blonde hair),” and the artist has depicted asa ecidedly,big body with very dark hair. Our Farm, told by Pat- TENDEN, and drawn by WALN, rather!funny, but not the work of a Wat of original humour. Good sixpenn’orth, anyhow. Flora’s Feast, published by.Cassett & Co., Limited, is a quaint Burne- Jonesian kind of book by Water Crane. It comes out with the Christmas Books, and is about as Christmassy as the Sunflowerest westhete could possibly desire. If I could select one picture above another, which would take the public, it would be the poppy-heads which are likely to be poppylar. *‘ Co.” is exhausted. I’ve just seen the Christmas number of the Penny I/ustrated, price fourpence, which means that this is equal to four ordinary numbers. The cover is the pink of perfection. The central picture in colours, of a child in , asking a kitten to come the mistletoe, might have been termed tech Company. The child, whose teeth are not as white as could be wished, ought to have been in a ‘‘ Cat’s-cradle.” The chief , ** Diamonds’ led,” by J. Larey, Junior, shows that he was quite right to lead diamonds as Mr. W. Mackay has followed suit with a melodrama on a similar plot in verse. Diamonds Led, is a three-volume novel essenced into tive pages ; and there is also a very funny notion for a new kind of advertisement in the story about The Australian Parrot. Severa) other good things in it; but that it is among the first to appear and comes out early, its motto might be, ‘‘ Better Lutey than never.” “Co.” comes up again smiling. For a first-class piece of harmless nonsense commend me to A Publisher's Piayreane, a small (not too small) volume of poems produced by Kerean, Pavr, Frencn & Co., and presumably written by one of the Firm. If my pre- sumption is correct, the Author’s partners must be persons blessed with a sense of humour, which makes them ready at al) times to sacrifice business considerations for the sake of a practical joke. Mr. AnprEw Lane contributes to the Christmas store specimens of the ‘‘ Grass of Parnassus.” Being a collection of poems already published, it is not intended to be grass fresh cut, but for the matter of that, the bundle has all the sweetness of New Mown Hay, or ifa scent is on my lips and under my very nose let me name, appro- priately, ‘‘ Y Lang Y Lang.” The old songs published by Caster. Brorners are to be found in the daintiest little books. Each miniature volume can be had ** for a mere song.” Marcus Warp & Co.’s Little + Blue, and other old nursery rhymes, will be to the taste of the chi ren young and old. Oranges |and Lemons, and Wee Willie Winkle, are charmingly illustrated. | Exit *‘ Co.” By the Sea is a short collection of Poems, commencing with bad, she’s not good— | Lonereitow’s The Secret of the Sea, the title of which would be a she’s ordinary ; and | suppose in this fact lies the real interest. It is, | capital advertisement for an anti-mal-de- as it were, another version of Nobody’s Diary, only that in this case | mer remedy. Illustrations not startling. the Nobody is a young widow who, wishing without visible means of But Marcus Warp & Co. can afford to subsistence, to make herself independent, takes to the stage, then to | have a few not quite up to the mark when a Pee ee then to Millinery, then to some sort of East-| giving us such a dainty work ican Sisterhood, and then to the Matronship of a Private | Maids and Old China, though old maids End Ang Lunatic Asylum ; and, last scene of all, to marriage. There is no a as there was (and a strong one, too) in Asin a Looking Glass. ‘he sketches seem to be from real life, and I should like to know the originals of the Manager of the Jollity Theatre, and of the Reverend Simon Heady, Superior of Saint Cunegonda’s Sisterhood. The little woman is an excellent companion for an hour or so,—sprightly, interesting, and amusing. I am choosing some Christmas Books and Cards, as, what the lawyers call, ‘‘ these presents,” and am puzzled between the charm- ing ‘* Photographic ls,” the original and tasteful designs of Messrs. HitpesHEIMER and FAvLKNER, and the artistic reproduc- tions of well-known pictures, and the delightful booklets of that ponsenes who rejoices in the truly Italian artistic Christian name of RAPHARL, coupled with the truly English surname of Tuck. Tock in again at Christmas-time. To help me in running through these Christmas Books I’m com- lied to engage a ‘‘Co.’’—the Christmas reading firm is Baron Ye Boox-Worms & Co.—and as far as ‘‘ Co.” has gone I am informed that Miss Rosa MuLHOLLAND has written Gianetta, a girl’s story for a girl—quite an upper story. That Mr. Henry, who has written plenty, is up to Ris best form in Captain Bayley’s Heir— young BAYLEY, we’re not interested in the old ’un)—which is all about California, and Fo ogg by Bracxre. Then “Co.” says that Rovriener’s Pie Piper, illustrated by Kare Greenaway, is exceptionally pretty. ‘‘ Now welcome Kare!” —which is not quoted from Taming of the Shrew. Mr. Hoaa, the poieher, makes a hit with a collection of old fairy tales called Children’s Evergreens. Nice dish at Christmas, ask for Hogg and Evergreens. Books marked WARNE are brand new, yet are “‘ Wanner out!” My “Co,” recommends WaRNR’s Rosebud Annual for the little ones. Here’s one by Cuanies F. Rrprat, illustrated by Hangy Parkes. Nothing very startling: and author and artist seem to have got on as Young }and old china go better together, as, from my experience, young maids play the very doose with the old china in attempting to wash up. ‘* Yes, your wash-up, it blew out of my hand, and broke all to nothing.” That’s how it happens with young maids, says the Baron. F lve just seen Marcus Warn’s Christmas Cieque Book. It’s capital! I only wish it were just that capital that would dismiss satisfactorily all my other Christmas Books. Those of the Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick Maker, &e. No matter. We may be happy yet. Christ- mas comes but once a year. If it came twice I should be broke entirely, says your own ewer, Tue Baron pk Boox-Worms, With a Mayer Maying. You ought to go and see **My Pretty Jane” is there. Le Monde ot l'on 8’ ennuie, November, you ’ll declare, Played at the Royaltee Is banished by this fair Some night or Matinée, And most refreshing May. SANDER v. THE DucnEss or Montorcurp (new style).—What “ Mr. Mawyron” said of the cross-examining Counsel, ‘‘ He did ask such orchid questions.”” And when Her Grace heard herself so ungrace- fully alluded to as ‘‘ the old girl” in her Head Gardener's letter, Mr. Manron is reported to have exclaimed, ‘‘ Head Gardener, ' indeed! I’d like to give him some top-dressing ! METEOROLOGICAL Report FROM THE SPECIAL Comm IsstoNn Court py Mr. E. Hangineron.—‘' Wednesday, November 21. Fine.”

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decemper 1, 1888, The New Governess (through her pretty nose). TIME FOR FOOLIN’ AROUND IN EvROPE—yYOU BET! Belgrarv ian Mamma (who knows there's a Duke or tivo still left in ‘DMIRABLY !” MY DAUGHTERS TO ACQUIRE THE AMERICAN ACCENT IN ALL ITS PURITY—AND THE Ipioms, AND ALL THAT, THE NEW SOCIETY CRAZE. **Waatt—lI COME RIGHT SLICK AWAY FROM Ne'York City, AN’ I AIN’T HAD MUCH So I can’? FIX UP your GALs IN THE Ev-rn6pEAN LANGUAGES, NO-HOW!” the Matrimonial Market). ‘‘On, THAT'S OF NO CONSEQUENCE. I WANT Now I'M suRE FroU WILL CRAMMING VERSUS “CLEMMING”! A Plain Word in Season to the New School Board, (001 Zealots of all of the Churches, fanatics of all of the Se ools,— [fools Wr. Punch has a word for the ears of each one of your muster, a wor Men may strive to ignore or hush down, but which sounds, and will have to be hear ! [work 4 For instructing our People’s a duty which none but a noodle would shirk. (sin, And the young human creature untaught is a shame and a promise of And the race of our strenuous day it is not the incult who will win. leach, teach !—'tis the task of the Age, the imperative call of the Which whoso ignores is a vassal to folly, a pander to crime. (time, Manly wisdom cries fie on the bigots, the bigots of d or doubt, Who babble and fight at the portal whilst ignorance lingers without, Kept back from the threshold thrice blest of the Temple where none should dispute, [brute. rhe Temple of Knowledge humane, which upraises the man from the lhe Creeds and the No-creeds contend, and negation and nescience cry In as angry a chorus of hate as the dogmatists’ furious fry, Or the eredulous bigots of Ephesus. Silence the wranglers all round, rhe niggards who fume at the penny, the zealots who squander the pounc And look to it likewise in time, oh ye busy Bigwigs of the Board, That the hungry, ubiquitous Jobber, whose eye is on everyone’s hoard, trust. Dip not grasping fingers too deep in the purse that ye hold but in — Laidly Worm of Corruption trails lately in 7 foul dus time In a manner the idlest must mark. It were well to take warning in By & fate of another big Board which has sunk in the Laidly One’s sllme. Gentlemen,—wise men, or wiseacres, pundits, philanthropists, | Mr. Punch is at one with your general aim, feels a pride in your | But grant you all safe in your seats, hushed all partisan splutter and | spleen, [clean : | With your sapient heads pretty cool, and your strenuous hands fairly | Whatthen?’ There ’s a question confronts you that will not be shelved or set by, {honestly try. Which wil tox your good will and best skill, e’en supposing you A pedagogue,—not of your sort, he preceded all Boards by some years,— Said ‘“‘ Nature’sarum’un!” Perhaps you’re inclined to say ditto to Squeers ; | But Nature will not be evicted, as you, with old Horace, will find, And Nature has given the urchin a body as wellasa mind! ([sap.! You won't fill the latter, be sure, whilst the former is empty. Verb. Stuff a half-starving ‘‘ nipper” with isms and ologies? Poor little chap! by force Empty stomachs mean heads non-receptive, and cramming the latter Means cruelty! Yes, and humanity bids you to halt on that course, is none can mistake. No, it simply won't do, that is . {not stand that. Public conscience is callous sometimes ; but it’s stirred, and it will The vision of Brity and Betsy, bedraggled, and shoeless, and worn, Without bite or sup in their stomachs, dragged in on a cold winter's morn {precious ‘* three R.’s,” From the streets, and all chance of ‘‘ a job,” to grins hours at those Rises black on humanity’s sight, and it jars, my dear Bigwigs, it jars. If ’tis Cramming rv. “ Clemming,” my masters, then Cramming will go to the wall, But Punch does not put it to-day as a hopeless dilemma at all. Only two things have got to be reconciled,—Aow is a question for you,— Instruction and common humanity. Teaching by Torture won't do With an emp flat J Mrs. Ram, speaking of Maréchal MacManon, informed her Niece that he was born an p ony but was subsequently neutralised as a Frenchman.

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Uff; Wy Y Y im YY La ”) NG, Ye Hh G Me ‘ ct oa wee th) of titi ip) <— ~~ oe we fae eh Yj fi / Lf yy W/0 | pie} ll — |} RB yg 7 Sa byt » A ARG - “”~ _- \ ‘ ‘ Z) Za Pe *“ ADDING MEAN, Sir, BY COMING HERE IN THAT ABRUPT Bos ! Srv FF 0’ NONSENSE!” &c., &c. AA v INSULT TO INJURY. ai Trate Old Gentleman in Garden (to Stranger, who suddenly drops from the other side of the boundary hedge). AND UNCEREMONIOUS MANNER? ‘WHAT THE DOOSE D'YOU ‘A mIsTAKE,’ ‘Very sorry,’ ‘Hounps RUNNING !’

LESSONS IN JUSTICE. (IN TWO TONGUES.) The French Method, reported in a Paris Paper. hirteenth Day. Tae Prisoner was admitted. He was self-possessed, grand mysterious, He glanced roundgfhim with an air of disdain, an jeeringly bowed to the President who ed him with hatred. Then the President put ques- tions to hin. The President. You are a a oa thief, a scoundrel, an assassin ! —_ You "know you committed the ¢ crime of which _you are accused, You are a in! The Prisoner. And you — polite. [ General assent. The President (with indigna- tion). I will not have you say so! I tell you that I know you — the room with the pistol. I know that you fired at the deceased. Tell me, did you not kill the deceased ? The Prisoner. Why should I tell you? Is not your head of wood, M’sieu le Président ? General laughter. The President (with anger). You shall pay dearly for this! You have insulted me—you have insulted the son of my mother—and insulting her son, you have also insulted my mother ! [A deep murmur. The Prisoner (shuddering). Oh, no! I deny it! I am not so base | The President. But I tell you you are! I tell no more wicked man in the world than yourself! You are a pol- troon ! { Murmurs. The Prisoner. And you call the father of my innocent child a Close of the You know you did! you that there is

poltroon? It is an outrage! [ General assent. The President. Your appeal to your innocent babe will avail you nothing. Your innocent Ehe would be better without such a father! (General shuddering.) Yes, I mean what I say—you are a craven! The Prisoner. This is too much! I am no craven! I love my country as a mother loves lier son. { General assent. M. Président. You insult France when you call yourself her son! You insult the Republic. [Loud murmurs. The Prisoner. It is not for you to judge! I know you, M’sieur le Président. Forty years ago you were in the service of the King! M. le Président (with a ery). You shall be gagged if you utter such calumnies! You are a knave, a vagabond, a cut-throat! And now it is for the Jury to decide. Have you anything to say in your defence ? The Prisoner (to the Jury). I have potting to say, save that I brand this man as atraitor! As for me I ask for liberty in the name of my infant—in the name of my child! I confess 1 am no saint, and if I have murdered, why in the name of my innocent babe I be; of you to stretch out your hands to me and save me from the scaffold, I wish to return to the world to watch by the side of a cradle! The Jury, who were deeply affected, then retired, and, after two hours’ absence, returned a veniiet of Guilty. The English Method, reported in a London Paper. End of the First Day. The Prisoner, who was ably represented by Counsel, a to be deeply sensible of his position. He kept his eyes on the Jury during the brief summing up. His Lordship said that he trusted the J would give the benefit of ss ey might feel in the Prisoner’s favour. In so serious a case they must not convict unless they were convinced of his guilt. The facts had been carefully laid before them, and he would not say a word to bias them either one way or the other. He entreated them to remember that the life of a fellow creature was at stake, and to let that recollection make them desirous to only what was proper and just. The J then retired, and, after Pf minutes’ absence, returned a verdict of Guilty.

‘*Tue Great Unparp.”—Mr. E. Hargrveron’s Fine—at present, November 23.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —— [Decempzr 1, 1888, “A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE IS A DANGEROUS THING.” ‘‘AND WHAT'S THE LITTLE Daritne’s Name?” ** W eLL—yov see He's ovr Eicuta CaILp—so WE'VE HAD HIM CHRISTENED ‘ OcToPpvs st ———$—__ SWEETS TO THE SWEET, Dear Master Ponca, | Answering to the note of the Oot | bird, I planked down my ten toes jp | the Stalls, and was placed in the |Strand Theatre last week as ever |was. I found them all there, and | was knocked by most of them. You bet they hit them! Those Sports. men who expected to have some fun |for their shiners must have made | the welkin ring with their cries of janguish! There were some hoary- headed old chesnuts in the dialogue, and as for the music, it made me | rush away in search of a loosen and F |asoda divided! You brown to what |I mean? The jokes were of ancient date, and when some mummers ap- nee as J ies ockey | lub, the bet was declared 0.U.G. | It was a near touch that those who weighed in were not_ buried | ‘neath the pavement outside the| Roman ! Yours, who has laid an even thick ‘un that it won’t run, A Critic ux Provx Specracces. P.8.—Pardon the above. I have seen Atalanta, the new piece at the Strand Theatre, and witness the jresult! I have not the least notion | what I mean by the above slangy cri- == | ticism, but then I could not make out —_ | what on earth Mr. Hawrrey meant by his equally slangy burlesque ! Summary.—In the ‘“* shooting-at- Times- Witness case,”’ the revolver and the prisoner were both di , FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE, As Ir 1s.—The Emperor of Germany yesterday distributed certifi- cates of honour to the students in the Berlin Theological Seminary, appearing in the full uniform of a Pomeranian Grenadier. His Majesty p= the pleasure it would have given him if he had n addressing soldiers instead of mere civilian nincompoops (téilpels), and rattled his sabre several times in a threatening manner. This is considered decidedly ominous in well-informed circles. From Vienna it is announced that the Russian Government has, in the last few days, écheloned half a million of men along the Gali- cian frontier. The official St. Petersburg Gazette explains the occurrence by saying that, ‘‘ at this convenient season of the year, the troops are always moved about for change of air and scenery.” This explanation ies caused a serious fall in securities on the Viennese and Berlin Bourses. The latest “Frontier Incident” is reported from Belfort. It - wy that a French peasant proprietor, while pruning a hedge, slipped into a ditch, which forms the dividing line at that point between Germany and France. He was at once shot through the body and scal by a regiment of Uhlans concealed in the neigh- bourhood. On the same day a German balloonist made an ascent from Strasburg, and came down in his parachute on French territory. He has been heavily manacled, and sent to Paris for shipment to New Caledonia. Franco-German relations have become in conse- quence somewhat strained. As Ir Miont Be.—All the European States having agreed to a partial disarmament, every kind of security has gone up at least 100 per cent., and national rejoicings are taking place in all the European Cngitale. Herr Krvp? is reported to be suffering from deep depression. jermany having now made up her quarrel with France by ** splitting the difference ’—keeping Alsace and giving back Lorraine —French and Germans are fraternising all along the frontier. The favourite air in the Paris Music Halls is now “‘ Die Wacht am Rhem,” while the Emperor Wiiiam has given orders for the * Marseillaise” to be played twice a day ‘‘ Unter den Linden” by the Band of the Imperial Guards’ Regiment. In accordance with the general spirit of international magnanimity now yeovalling, the Surtan or Turkey has consen to remove himself into Asia Minor. and leave Constantinople to be dealt with by a Conference of the European Powers. There being no further use for most of the soldiers now enrolled in the various European Armies, it is expected that an international expedition of one hundred thousand men will shortly be landed in | Africa, which will take Khartoum, smash up the Mahdists, find Srantey, abolish the Slave Trade, and open up the Continent to | civilisation and commerce. | CRAM DE LA CRAM. Dear Mr. Ponca, THERE is a great deal of truth in the position taken up by the | opponents of the Competitive Examination system. No one who has ever mixed up his answers and cribbed from a friendly neighbour | who was answering Paper B, while he, the cribber, was confronted | with the problems of Paper A, can entertain a doubt as to the elemental fully of settling a young man’s prospects by his statements about subjects on which he is but superficially informed. I have suffered myself, but thanks to a pleasing exterior, a diplomatic wife who is very well connected, a large house, and exorbitant charges, | am the proprietor of a crammery which is viewed, and justly, as the very cram de la cram of the mood Mt ny : Facts, Sir, are stubborn things, and if there be one quality less desirable than another in the young, it is surely stubbornness ; and how aconstant familiarity with stubborn things can fail to produce deplerable results on plastic minds, I contes. chat I am quite unable to understand. My plan is to temper facts with fancy. Even (reek | accidence lends itself to this humane and philosophical plan. Thus. | Among a number of the deadliest kind of Greek and Latin adjectives I insert Panjandrum to be declined. The boy with imagination— the future journalist or financier—at once drape to it, thus:—| Pas-jas-der : pasa-jasa-dra: pan-jan-drum, whereby we get Greek | and Latin at one fell swoop, and invest Mongolian metaphysics with | a halo of accidence. Again, in our last history paper, I lightened the | horrors of the feudal system and the genealogies of our early Sovereigns by asking, Why was the Curfew Law like a Calendar? No less | than seven boys supplied the right answer: ‘‘ Because it was 6 Norman Ac’.” This, Sir, speaks for itself. Yours faithfully, MARKHAM PRimMeR. A reduction if you take a quantity. P.S.—I enclose a Prospectus. “I apvise you, my dear, to take up Music as a study,” said Mrs. Ram to her Niece, ‘‘ and I am told that one of the best books on the subject is Ranxe’s History of the Pops.”

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Ps Decemper 1, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. \} \\ \e * ~*~ Se vi \ \ +s \ House of Commons, Monday, Nov. 19.—Spectacle of Gxoror| all about it afterwards. Telegram from Tro Hearty at Dublin. Cvrzox, fresh home from Central Asia, accusing Giapstone of Been engaged in Dublin Exchequer Division, before Lory Carer “immorality,” ealeulated to create emotion. But it passed off very | Baron, Baron Dowse, and Chief Justice AnprEws, Applied for | quietly. GLapsTone not thereto hearindictment. Harcourt, Jonn | writ of Habeas Corpus in case of JEREMIAH SHEEHAN, Foy, Of Mor.ey, and one or two others among the faithful, on Front Bench ; | present confined in Tralee Gaol. Crime alleged against Hon. Member but, as Op Moraxiry says, “ It’s surprising with what equanimity was that he had shouted, “‘ Boo for Batrour!” Court decided that we can hear others accused of iniquity.” |in such circumstances SHEEHAN very properly in gaol, and refused The flatness of this particular incident typical of night’s pro- | to release him. ; ceedings. Seemed in advance that it would be quite otherwise.| ‘‘ What do you think of it?” said G. O. M., nervously reading Government brought in new Land Purchase Bill. GLanstonE long over eye for fifth time. ‘ : ago gave notice that, if they did, he’d make it hot for ’em. To-| ‘‘ Well,” said Hancovrt, stroking the place where his beard ought night came down to move crushing Amendment. Urgent Whips to grow, “the bearing of the observation lies in the application of it. out: House filled; excitement growing. Just before business In the eyes of the law geographical boundaries do not exist. What reached, telegram passed along Front Opposition Bench ovidentiy is one man’s meat is not necessarily an , created profound sensation. GLapsTon®e read it ; hurriedly consulted boo for BaLrovr, and go to prison in , can } Harcourt and Caries Russett. Plainly a legal point. Learned Batrour at Westminster, and go scot free? The thinks not.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ———— [Decempsr 1, 1888, —_—— temove the prisoner—I mean—I beg your pardon ; but you'd better be careful.” Hancourt, so convincing, rather frightened G. 0. M. ‘“* Took all the starch out of his collar,” as Ronext Jaxprve said, resting his chin firmly on the buttress of hisown. Quite mild in his references to Cuter SECRETARY; example infectious ; no booing for BaLrour on any Bench ; consequently a distinctly dull night. Business done.—Land Purchase Bill brought in. Tuesday.—In Upper House, Lord High rises to explain. Brings down lengthy e istle, which he reads very badly. Seems that he has appointed only two blood relations to fat places. One of them, he mentions (as if the result was unusual and unexpected), had proved himself fully qualified for the office. The second, already possessed of a benefice, he had transferred to another benefice, slightly better in point of emolument, and with the advantage of more genial climate. ** And how does the climate suit him?” asked CLANRICARDE, gracefully bending his benevolent Lord High took no notice; went on reading; gave many interesting par- ticulars about administration of Chancer Division, Clerks in Central Offices, an elsewhere. Noble Lords strained their attention to hear when he was coming to the point dealing with specific charges levied against himself in other Huse. But had so much to say about reductions of redundant Clerks and other matters, couldn’t find time to deal with these. Triumphantly wound up with declaration that though salaries amounted to pretty tidy sum, they did not come out of pocket of tax-payer, but out of purse of unfortunate suitors. Lord High sat down, astonished at his own moderation. The Marxkiss listened, but said never a word. GranviLiz, feeling necessity of breaking awkward silence on Front Bench, observed that as no notice of intention to deal with the subject had been given, it was not necessary for him to say anything. ‘* Hewas awfully severe on you,” I said toGranpotrn. “‘ Positively ‘declined to repeat the gross language used.’ ” ‘“That’s very well; but he might have answered the specific charge I brought against him.” The Commons florging away at already dead horse of Land Pur- chase Bill. Members brought up to vote, wouldn’t remain to listen. Epwakp Grey, 4 of old block, made capital speech at outset, and later on, at eve of Division, when Mor.Ley followed Hartine- Tox, benches filled up; cheers and counter- cheers rung through the Chamber. But no reality in fight; everyone grateful when it was over. “Might arran 4 \\ Z Uf, Sir Robert. these matters much more cleverly,” said Hersert Garpyer, dropping in after dinner. “ Let us have the Division first, and the Debate after. Great convenience to f-llows with important engagements. Wouldn’t at all interfere with delights of those who hanker after sper ch-making.” Business Done. — GLADSTONE’s Amendment to Land Purchase Bill negatived by 330 against 246. Thursday.—‘‘I’m not aware,” said the Sacer, “that we have in the National Portrait Gallery or elsewhere any engraving, photo- graph, chromo-lithograph, or other wrtrait of Batak the son of Zrppor. But, looking now upon the counten- ance of Op Morauiry, I fancy we realise something of the expression on the face of the King of the Moabites as he listened to the address of BALaAam upon a memorable oceasion.”’ O_p Morarry certainly in sore plight. Second Reading of Land Purchase Bill moved ; Parnewt delivered weighty speech against it ; Granpoiru followed, and as he rose expression of pleased content dis- persed itself over Ministerial ranks. yon Sat y GranpDotru had spoken most graciously of the Government. Speech then anxiously looked for, as situation critical, and opportunity for smiting his old friends tempting. But Grawpotps had come nobly out of the fire. Having so recently assumed attitude of friendliness, would now suvely go a step further, pulverise Pamwett, and demolish Giap- An Irish Landlord. stone. Onp Moratrry, sitting just under his young friend, folded his =“, anes back his head in listening attitude, prepared ty enjoy himself. Granpotrn couldn’t resist this final temptation. Had certainly come down determined to vote for the Bill; was probably also pre. pared to support it. But looking round on expectant lines of Ministerialists, on the Opposition already on guard inst his onslaught, and, above all, on the broad, placid, pleased face below him, good resoly- tions melted. Instead of supporting Bill, P and confounding Opposition, he riddled the measure with bolts of irony and _ scorn, reserving his most highly poisoned shaft to accompany declaration that still he would vote for Second Reading. **Tt’s such a little Bill,” he pleaded. “cannot do much harm ; and so very bad, that no Government, not even this one, dare venture to introduce another anything like it.” ‘“*Tosy,” said Ory MoRALIry, in a husky voice, as I helped Goscuen to lead him out into the fresh air, ‘‘an you love me, get GRANDOLPH never to support us any more,” ** Never mind,” said Joxem, ‘‘ it’s Gray- pOLPH’s turn now. But ours will come, He’ll find his speech to-night an uncom- monly difficult one to answer on some future is was the tragedy; roaring farce to follow. Just before fall of curtain, Motion made from Treasury Bench to withdraw Bill establishing Minister of Agriculture, Cuap- Shocked at Grandolph. ,z~ solemnly rose from corner seat below Gangway, looking unutterably solemn. Rapturous cheers from malicious Opposition. CHAPLIN, it was understood, was to be first Minister under the Act. GranpoLpH—that “‘ imp of Parliamentary mischief,” as Datrympx calls him—learning this, put down Motion to move rejection of Bill. This made it impossible to carry it this Session. Oxp Moratity privately promised to say something soothing to CHapiin if he gave him opening. CHAPLIN now up, with his part in conversation ready. Op Moratity waiting his cue. But the House would do nothing but laugh and ironically cheer. What should have been dignified scene becomes screaming farce. Business done.—Land Purchase Bill read Second Time. Friday Night. — Sexton incidentally mentions that Melancholy and Coercion Bill have just marked seven Irish Mem- rs as their own. Wants to know whether blow may not be averted till after Prorogation, so that we may have the pleasure vantage of their company in Committee. Op Moratiry, always anxious to oblige, undertakes to see what can be done. Members, has- tening to Reading-room, eagerly scan names of the seven. Several disap- pointments, but at least Tanner 1s among them. : “Yes, that’s all very well,” said Saunperson. ‘‘ But you see how they bungle it in Batvrour’s absence. Why couldn’t they wait till the beginning of the Session? A foolish waste of opper- tunity to put Tanner in prison during the recess.” Business done.— In Committee on the Land Purchase Bill. A Bad Sixpence. “‘Hiener Edueation indeed! It’s’ the Lower Education, as recommended by King Sotomoy, that is neglected nowadays, says Dr. Bracu, of Swisherton Academy. Tue New Maidstone Bicyclist Club is going to call itself (when it comes into existence) ‘‘ The Wheel’d of Kent.” Aw eminent Vet thinks he has discovered a treatment for horses that ‘‘make a noise” when they go out of a trot. He ought to do “a roaring CP NOT /E.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped aid Addressed Luvelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. ‘Lo this rule

Page 15

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Decemnen 1, 1888.

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Page 16

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