Punch 1888-09-01: Vol 95 Iss 2460

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ONE SHILLING EACH, at all the Booksellers’ and at the Railway Bookstalls. SECOND SERIES, Burglar Bill. | Robert. CHARLES KEENE’s ILLUSTRATIONS. BY THE AU 3 F AUTHOR OF “VICE VERSA. Also complete in Cloth, price Half-a-Crowm, — © » ‘ a Dn wh € ‘ ye (2. @Aky ‘BON3d S3SYHYHL 30lHd a SOT E qs — ~ ‘ “Ud hi SEPTEMBER 1, 5 Seen sare ee ek Se ST ee PT Te es — - DURA + NINETY-FIFTH. pp Hh | PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, Hilt 46 lilinnnnl™ lame 4 vA) ' “WwW cod ee | £0 Special Appointment PURVEYORS +o me QUEEN ane me PRINCE of WALES. SCHWEPPES TABLE WATERS \ Sales during 1887, 12,289,260 Bottles. -_ a the Genera: Post UGies as 5 —

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARI—Surremese i, 1888. Crows Ove, i bemrds, fe 64. choth MAIWA'S REVENGE ; THE WAR OF THE LITTLE HAND, By H. RIDER HAGGARD, & Jame ' Meiwa's Revenge ‘lee | mal boot , but It packs « great deal of sensation within very brief compess. Wonsee —* These exploits are quite Im thelr way as the eupernateral exploits of ‘Oh bet Mr weeee é—in « great measure. ne doubt, from the plan waboastful ling « Allan Quater ' ma.n is made lo ue as the gift of slamping these stapendous feats with the mark of reality” andon: LONOMAN OREEY, & CO Lonemar® MAGAZINE, SPPTUMEEFE Price SIX PEN: & By David Christie aserTrTe o marve!\ous ae Peer Barry. hy W. B. Norris 4 Formal American Yacht Gruss. By W. J. Hender-o Pieardy for Painters, and Others. by Graham BR. omeu Seng for Music. By Bémund Gower Grthedex. By Dorothea Gerard, Joint Author of Renata,” &e. Chapters V.—Vi AS the Sign of the Ship. by Andrew Lang London: LONGMANS, GREEN. & CO a ‘Gr BOOK FOR EVERY HOUSEHOLD. Meow Ready Tiustrated, price Sa ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE 1888. The Volume consists of = closely primted pages aad yntaine Reasly hen Woedeut L rations of various sizes. Tus Times describes it as a” magasine which hes ne rival in —~, and.” Tes Gcaapias eaye:— “it lea capital magagine for al i tables and ail Umes THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE For S&PTEMBER Prefueely Nlustrated,@¢.; by post #4, comtains :— Dorethy. From a Drawing by Henry Kyiaod The Patagonia. In Two Parts. Part 1 Henry ¢ mee hy In the Polish Carpathians. hy Adam Gielgud. London Street Studies By J. Ashby Sterry Hampton Court hiy Barbera Clay | inch. . The Mediation of Ralph Hardelot Chaps x 5 XLII Comelasion By Profeser nhe MACMILLAN @& ©O., “OUR NEIGHBOURS.” woot Eas & COOPER, *" STATIONERS, 192, FLEET STREET. 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| * MBF Serpremper 1, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 97 OBSTRUCTIONISTS IN A SMOKING CARRIAGE. VOCES POPULI. A SHOW PLACE. Scenr—A Ducal Castle. Party of Tourists discovered waiting in the Entrance Hall. Enter the Head Butler, an imposing person with sandy hair and pale blue prominent eyes. The H. B. (with condescension). If you'll ’ave the goodness to wait a little, I shall be able to go round with you myself. [Departs with mysterious solemnity, leaving the Party over- whelmed. 4 Matron (who yields to none in reverence for the aristocracy—to her daughters). Doesn’t ing look stately, dears? I wonder where they keep all the hats and umbrellas. A Wife (to her Husband). Now, for goodness’ sake, CHARLEs, don’t try to be funny here—remember where you are ! [The Party converse in whispers ; a Tourist in a Flannel Shirt taps a manin armour familiarly on the stomach, causing him to emit a hollow ring. The rest look at him reproachfully. He returns their gaze with defiance, but edges away from the armed figure as the Butler returns. The H. B. Now please, if you'll follow me, and keep together. Tourists straggle him, each in deadly fear of catching his eye ; the Man in t nnel Shirt hums the ** Marseillaise”’ under his breath.) The Banqueting ’All. The Fam’ly takes all their meals ’ere oa a Carty repeat this to one another in hushed vowes.) e tapest ng is Gobling. Charles ( friestousle).. Hin, very bed emamashe ter the faily t The H. B. Did you , Sir? Charles (turning red in the face). Only to my wife. Tourist (with a turn for Architecture and a desire to air his information). Er—this portion of the building is —ah— Early Decorated, is it not ? . The H. B. (severely). No, Sir. Decorated quite lately, by a London irm. [The Architectural Tourist falls to the rear ; the others conceive @ poor opinion of him. dining here this evening ? The H. B. (with a lofty candour). Well, no—we ’aven’t many staying with us at present. I should say we shouldn’t set down more than twenty or so to-night—or thirty, at most. A Tourist with a Twang. Air your Company a Stag-party ? 7 - H. B. (pityingly). There’s no deer-forests in this part of the coun ry. The Tourwt with a Twang (clapping him on the shoulder and laughing). I see you don’t awe Mrs our National Colloquialisms. he H. B. 1 don’t understand any Colloqualisms bein’ took with Me. (Ile moves away with dignity.) ‘This (opening door) is the Hamber Droring Room. |.4 door on the opposite side is seen to shut precipitately as the a Party enter. The Reverential Matron, GWENDOLEN—come over here a minute. Whispers.) She was sitting in this very chair—do you see? I wonder if it could have been the Duchess! There’s the mark left in her book—if I only dared. (Readin title.) The Mystery of a Bathing Machine. e’ll get it at the Sookstall as we go back. The H. B. (coming to a stand and fixing his eye on a Nervous Tourist, who opens ‘his mouth feebly). The pair of Vawses on the “onsols was brought over by the Grandfather of the present Duke of Ammercloth, and are valued at hover five thousand pounds apiece. be Ley been hoffered nine thousand five ’undred for the pair—and tTused, (The Man in the F.annel Shirt groans “*’ Ow long?” to himself in bitter indignation at the unequal distribution of wealth. {sees A Tourist (nerving himself to ask a question). Will there be many | p4 The Nervous Tourist. Did you, though ? [Regards the H. B. with intense admiration for his judgment and resolution. A Comic Tourist. I wish someone ’ud offer me nine thousand pounds for the vawses on my mantelpiece. I wouldn’t 'aggle over it. The H. B. (ignoring him). The picture in the el above the chieioy-gieee is a paregoric subject representing “‘ pm By Merery, and the Fine Arts complimenting the first Duke of Ammercloth on the completion of the new Private Chapel. By 'Ocartru. In the corner. Old woman heatin’ a nerring. Torchlight. A Tourist (who thinks it is time he made a remark). Let me see —wasn’t he one of the Dutch School? Tautschlyt. Torschylt. I seem to know the name. The H. B. (tolerantly). No, no, Sir—you didn’t foller what I said. It wasn’t the name of the artis—it’s what the old woman is heatin’ the ’erring by, in a cellar. The cellar and the erring is considered masterpieces. A Young Lady. What a very curious method of cooking fish, isn’t it ? - — Party move on. H. B. This is His Grace’s own Study. His Grace sees his tenants at that table. [General interest in the table, except on part of the Man in the Flannel Shirt, who suppresses a snort. Charles's Wife. Fancy, Cuantes-—the Duke uses ‘‘ J” pens! Charles.~ Not even gilded! This is a severe blow, Canoiiner! Pretends to be overcome. His Wife. If you go on in this foolish manner, I will not be seen talking to you. The Reverential Matron (in a whisper). Exmyntrupe, see if you can manage to pick upa nib when no one’s looking—there are plenty lying about. A Tourist (anxious to propitiute the Butler), An excellent land- lord, the Duke, I believe ¢ The H. B. (coldly). We’ave not ’eard of any complaints on the estate. (Leads the way to the Gallery.) The Hoak Gallery—for- merly the Harmry. en we ‘ave a large ’ouse party, they some- times comes up ’ere after dinner, and ’as games. [Expressions of pleased surprise-always excepting the Man in the Flannel Shirt, who mutters something about ** dancing on voleanves.” A Tourist (with a thirst for information), What sort of games ? The H, B. (with dignity), That I can’t tell you percisely, bein’ no part of my dooties to participate. (Halting before a picture.) Por- trait of "Exsexy HaLerryon, Marquis of Szasrnines, beyeaded on Tower ’Ill by Sir Perer Lety. . at the Ineorrigible. Do you mean that Sir Perer took his off * The H. B. (solemnly). He took his Lordship off full length, Sir, as you can see by looking. (Zo the Reverential Matron, whose demeanour has not escaped him.) Tf you like to stop be’ind, and let the rest go on a bit, I can show you something that’s not generally open to the Public. (Mysteriously.) It’s the room where all his race’s boots are kep’. He has over a nundred pair of them. ‘atron rejoins the rest in a state of solemn ecstasy, and can hardly refrain from betraying how highly she has been qoivtegede The Party return to the Hall. A Tourist (a diligent student of the Society paragraphs in a Sunday —to Butler). 1s Lady Fiontrye at home just now? The H. B. Her Ladyship is away visiting at present, Sir. Ex- pected back Saturday week, Sir. The Society T. (as if he felt this as a personal disappointment), Not till Saturday week ?—really !—ah! Phe rest regard him with increased respect, and listen attentively.) I suppose it’s quite true that the match with Lord Grorar Gixcuam is broken off. Going to marry Lady Susan SunsHape, isn’t he? I was very sorry when I heard of it ( feelingly). Poli The H. B. Was you hintimate with ’is Lordship, Sir ? The S. T. (with a modest reserve), Oh, 1’ve stayed with him, you know, and that sort of thing, ' {He has—at a Swiss Hotel, when Lord Gronor took him for a Tout,—but what of that ? The H. B. Then I should certingly recommend you to inquire of Lord Groree in pusson, Sir, That’s his Lordship coming up the terrace now. [The 8. T. collapses utterly. Ermyntrude (coming up to her Mother). Oh, Mamma, what do you think ’ We looked in at a window as we passed, and we saw them all having afternoon tea. And the Duchess was actually eating buttered toast. She didn’t see us for ever so Jong—we had such a good view ! [Scene closes in upon the majority of the Party, anziously dis- cussing in yo tee the propriety or otherwise of offering any, and what, fee to the Butler, who stands apart in a brown study, with a distinct effort to mitigate the severity of | his expresswon. As far as the Man in the Flannel Shirt uw concerned, the problem ** solvitur ambulando.” VOL. XCY,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —__—_—___ [SerremBer 1, 1888, UP TN MA MUNG CATA : WAN Madame La République loquitur :— Mow Dieu! He's up again, though with much splutter. It seemed that his submergence was so utter! But to the surface struggles he once more. Poul S tf RS say a looks di ~ ut by -like spraw! one thing is signified, — That ‘* P’tit bonhomme—BovLaNcER—vit encore !” There seemed an end to his thrasonic clowning. But it appears that he is proof ’gainst drowning, Like—well, to specify were too invidious. Pinked by the ‘‘ Usher,” plunged into the flood Of Ridicule that’s like a bath of mud, Here he is once again, alive though hideous! Que faire? I feel that I should relish tly To “bonnet” him as I did Prox-Piow fatel ° Twould simplify my task if he would dak ; AGAIN! = = = a . SSSA \ OC ST SMA es MM ' i ‘ \ \ LN Oe Lien Z Y > OF But one can’t drown a cork that just bobs under And then pops up. What will France say, I wonder? And what, I wonder more, will Brsmarcx think ? What ishe? What’shisaim? Which is his Party ? Is he a sort of Brummagem BuowaParTe ? A squeezable and clayey mask of Casa ? Who pulls the wires of this pert popinjay ? Am I indeed to be upset one day i : By this preposterous, spray-spluttering sneezer ? I feel he is my foe. A foe pour rire ? Or one fou furieux more whom I’ve to fear ? Our betray the Capitol, not save. M fools are my undoing. Despot sane ere better than a CLgow cracked and vain. So you, my master, “* popping up again,” Spluttering, but with hes head above the wave ?

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SerremBER 1, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 99 | ; PHL ( | fT Hy I TANIA \ M0 Wi! © hit} i) a AM DIAGNOSIS. Cabman (insolently, on receiving his right fare). ‘‘Wua’s THIS ERE FoR!” Fare (promptly). ‘‘ Wei., 1 sHovip say ‘ror Drink,’—1F YoU ASK ME,—BY THE LOOK OF you |” : ia ti taal es ’ ' Cuorus—** Fingers were made before Tuning- Forks.” COLWELL-HATCHNEY MUSICAL FESTIVAL. After which a Practical Lecture on ‘* How to Score a Treble for the Contributed by a Sufferer from the Music of the Present and the Future, Orchestra,” by Signor RupBERINI, assisted by Three Dummies. at present residing at the Colwell-Hatchney Musical Academy. ) Swimming Contest from C. to. C. in purws naturalibus, . : . s ‘ . |Arr—** See me Dance the Poker,” composed about the time of To commence at common time, four in a bar. There will be six- | ALFRED the Grate. After which teen in the American bar. . ' . 3 | THE GRAND MUSICAL TOURNAMENT—THE PITCH BATTLE. Opening Chorus accompanied by the Sein ; . — By the entire strength of the Company, with Pitch-forks. Deel Agutest GurtaR IN THE Musica Wort, ..| To be followed by the Hailstone Chorus, with real Hailstones, and weighing only two pounds ten. The Second Part of the Festival will a Grand finale of | be in harmony with the First, and taken at the same time. ORGANIC REMAINS. Conductor, Mr. Sammy Tone. The Chair will be taken by the first person present, singular number, | (By kind permission of the London General Omnibus Company.) and the Vice will be represented by A Vintvoso, At the : on snaide! ‘ oe anmpemes own es, 2 et me oe Admission by Playing Cards only. When in doubt play Penny “ Tknow a Bank.” .. . Lorusury, E.C. Trump. No False Notes changed. _ | After which an instructive Lecture on Tea and Shrimps will be served (if the Shrimps like it) in the Antea ‘AKIN rw Swewt § , Room. - 7 , ereee : is Patel Qed oe yrey — | Overtures will be made to everybody inclined to assist in the chari- een aees ys algae at re Sy table object. There will be a collection of umbrellas and walking- 5 The Leading Assistant Boy sticks at the doors, which will be given to the Universal Lemon Aid in the establishment of Messrs. Narrowoop & Co. (successors to| Society. Hon. Sec., Mr. Sqeuasn. Address, Monday Ginger-Pop BRoaDWwoop). Concerts. | Duet in Seale Armour by Little Fresh Heower and B. Orrman—j| After the Concert the entire Chorus, Principals of all the Acade- * Oh, would I were a Fish!” mies, and the Audience will join in the Irrational Anthem from | To be followed by a Seer eas. ate right! Soyouare!” , ish 0 Massh a — a P 4 After which there will be After which a March Past, three shies a penny, Saran Sarry, fire- | ATHLETIC MUSICAL EXERCISES, hare Prag erly bad ay opt wig dh meg we = hy 33 ne r “ ec © bring them in their pockets), gra istribution tinding Shiding _ — Zither by gee ag we of the everybody's umbrellas, and procession round the ruins. Sic transit cthentonen a Surgeon with musical instruments in| o/5-/q mundi! Pop goes the Weasel ! (Signed) Br Awxvor. Rowxine Up-anp-Down-rae-Prano Race. N.B.—Order not admitted after the first row. Five- Year- Olds only entered = ' after weighing in the Chromatic Scale. “Tue Race Across tae Attawtic” (contributed by Master Fiat Race over two Grand Pianos. To be won hand over hand. Tommy, at home for the holidays).—Why , the American, to be sure! es

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serremper 1, 1888. THE LAWS OF HEREDITY ‘ervgsaon utter was sitting down on it). ‘‘H1! Don't! KNOW 1 INHERITED A TENDENCY YOU SAID 80 YOURSELF! /!/!” (rrumpson, “QUITE 80, MY DEAR FELLOw ; r RITHER.’ ILLUSTRATED. who has tripped up his friend Professor Crumpson's campstool just as the Irs NO GOOD CUTTING UP ROUGH, TO PRacTicaAL JOKING, AND CAN'T HELP SS you "RE NOT TO BLAME A BIT! Bor J'¥8 INHERITED A TENDENCY TO KICK PRACTICAL JOKERS, AND CAN'T HELP [Kicks him. SONG BY A SMALL SHOPKEEPER. Iy my business as lies in a subub, en proves weights and measures untrue, The least mixture in groceries, grub, bub, Other articles ever so few ; Wot a row, and a ’owl, and a ’’ubbub! And I’m fined if ’ad up for the “* do.” A wrong label the same, on conwiction, In shop-front if exposed to the sight, there mayn’t be no ’arm in the Or if any, no matter ’ow slight ; So sewere is the legal restriction Upon dealins as isn’t all right. O, ’ow ’enious, a sample to tender . To the test wot ain’t quite true and trim ! A | tradesman ’s a petty offender, the Lawr will be down upon ’im. Now the rule is, ‘‘ Look out let the vender,” Clear of fraud ’e must earefully skim. But Contractors of wealth and ’igh station, See wot charges is laid to their dores, Of all manner of falsification, and swindles in Government stores, Guns weapons of war for the Nation ; Wot yer calls the defence of our shores! Them as ’olds a superior position, Imposition can practise scot-free, Fora e of exalted condition There ’s one lawr, and another for me. Nothink wus than a Special Commission To report upon duffers like ’e. fiction, Then the ’ole blame the ‘‘ systim” is laid on, Never no one let in for a fine, As inflicted small cheaters in trade on. Jerry Diddlers tiptop may combine, No detection in diddlin’ afraid on. Oh! ’ow blessed their potion to mine ! Apvice To Wovutp-se Cyciists,—Tri before you Bi. Men or Rawk anv Station.—Railway Cabmen. MASTER TOMMY’S DOMESTIC MANCEUVRES. Suggested by some Recent Make-believe Naval Experiments. How to Make them Fancy the House is on Fire.—Having prepared two of the top-floor chimneys, by stuffing them with the contents of several feather pillows steeped in petroleum, light these, and proceed quickly to the coal-cellar, where, kindling a large bonfire of news- papers, old school-books, kitchen chairs, and door-mats, rush up the stairs, crying “* Fire!” at the top of your voice, and raise the alarm. The house being by this time full of blinding smoke, shout to the butler to open the back windows, and pump freely into the rooms with the posten-caging, This will increase the consternation, but you will have to provide for the excitement of the crowd that will have by this time collected in front of the house. To do this, rush to a window on the second floor, and, flinging it wildly open, tear bed-curtains and sheets into lengths rapidly, and join them together for an escape-rope. Now, havi secured the page-boy, and threatened him with a thrashing if he makes any resistance, let him down by this into the area. To give more effect to this, do it with jerks. This will have so impressed the crowd that they will have already summoned the Parish engines, that will now be playing vigorously on the front of the house, and drenching it from top to bottom. The origin of the ‘‘ Alarm” having by this time been discovered, you will probably be called on for an explanation, where- upon, pastas to the fact, from experience, how well they would have been prepared to meet it, if there had been a real fire, you express your complete satisfaction at the result, and frankly intimating that you now consider the incident closed, refuse to enter into : further conversation on the matter. An Impromptu Little Dinner.—This experiment may be best tried at the house of an invalid uncle and aunt, who are noted for their hospitality, and pride themselves on the excellence of their cuisine, the object being to show hew, with scarcely any preparation, a very satisfactory dinner may be provided on the spur of the moment for a decent number of perfectly unexpected guests. Getting hold of your aunt and uncle’s visiting-list, proceed |provided. After some awkward to ask four-and-twenty | their heels lof their friends to dinner at a short-date, taking care to tell them there is ‘no need to reply to the invitation.” e day at len arriving, and the guests beginning to assemble, hurry out and order in twenty-four bloaters, the same number of mutton-chops, and two dozen of stout ively from the fishmonger’s, butcher's, and the public-house in the immediate neighbourhood. The dinner is now pauses in the conversation, your uncle and aunt still being unconscious of the reason of the assem- bling of their guests in their drawing-room, the butler, much to their surprise, now announces it, and all forthwith adjourn down-stairs to partake of the repast. This does not take long, and the guests, the matter still being unexplained to them, and, rather resenting the fare that has been provided for them, a early, taking their leave more or less abruptly. Your aunt and uncle being at last left alone though still profoundly puzzled at the whole puspoeting. are boun to admit that, although they have not done it exactly in the style they would wish, they have most undeniably given a quite impromptu little dinner. A FRAGMENT FROM A ROMANCGE—A SUGGESTION FOR SCARBOROUGH. He was followed everywhere! At last it became unbearable. He resolved that, come what would, to learn his fate. He turned round s ly by the sad sea waves, and faced them. For a moment they shran back abashed. ‘** What do you want ?” he asked, sterrly. : There was a dead silence! Then one of them, extending a bronzed hand, cried, in an appealing voice, — ‘* A penny, good Sir—a a His eyes fire, and he indignantly refused the boon. ‘A penny, good Sir—a penny!” they repeated, with increased men he led at them a defian en he hurled at them a ce. ‘ If you are not off at once, I will give you into the custody of the Police !”’ With an ‘ d, . to peel 2, Oe Hew ty See see, = taking me

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sepTemBeR 1, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE PLEASANT WAYS OF GLORY. Lorp WorseLey, when recently giving his evidence before the Army Estimates Committee, admitting that while an English Major- , General of Bri- gade received £1279 per annum, an officer of corre- ew ing rank in drew only, 4100, any op = on that. what was expected sociall of the former in this country not enable him to do it for a lower . In- deed the distin- guished witness went further than this. Allegin Cat eine pay forregimen officers were fixed at a time when men u apiece oF pare proceeded to « List, List, oh List!” | ome egal P same time was one when the Army was looked on as a profession into,which men went very much for their amusement, for which they paid partly them- selves. Quite so. But with all respect for the opinion of ‘‘ Our Only General,” it may surely be pointed out, that whereas now the Army is decidedly not a profession into which men go ‘‘ only for their amusement,” it need not follow that the traditions of expensive living formerly regarded as its inevitable social concomitant must be accepted as an official necessity from which there is no means of escape or evasion. Yet that some sort of idea of the kind pe, and is generally accepted as a popehie though unpalatable fact, there cannot be any doubt. No subaltern can live on his pay, nor is he expected to. Indeed, every obstacle is put in his way to prevent him. Plain Dick ar Harry, as soon as they are out of Woolwich or Sandhurst, and who in many cases have sat down at home in perfect contentment to the family dinner on cold mutton, find themselves suddenly waited upon by flankeys in plush breeches, and living en pees, surrounded by all the luxury and comfort of a well-appointed ~ndon Club. There is no getting out of the expenditure, and the subaltern’s pay is, as a matter of course, immediately swamped. And the evil seems to permeate the whole system, for the officers of higher rank appear to be no better off, Wotserey alleging that he had known men who had refused commands because they were expected to entertain the whole neighbourhood, and could not in consequence cover their expenses out of the pay they received. In fact, the life of the British , as thus revealed, seems to resolve itself into a prolonged struggle to keep up a false position on insufficient means. And at present there seems but little hope of any remedy. For when we have only about two hundred of the new guns ready, and two thousand are required, and when our forei stations, wanting an equal number, are sup lied as yet only with twenty, and whilst the non-commissioned officers and men in the British cavalry number 18,500, and the horses to mount them only reach the figure of 11,800, to say nothing of departmental short- comings and blunders cropping up daily on all sides, it seems almost futile to raise a fresh gry about such comparative trifles as heavy mess bills and excessive regimental expenditure. Still, when the lively difficulties and dangers that at the present moment threaten the Army have been in some measure lightened and alleviated, it might be worth the while of Our Only General to to set on foot some reform that would teach the British Officer that, to place before himself a simpler standard of living, and one more compatible with his means, would in no way derogate from his claim to be considered an English Gentleman.

Toe Bee ann tHe Howsymoon.—The wedding-dress of the Princess Lerrria, who is shortly to be married to her uncle, the Duke of Aosta, is to be embroi with Bees, the emblem of the House of Bowaparte. No doubt the “going away” costume of this yo lady, who has made so singular a qn the srloction of a husband, will also include a bee—in her bonnet ! alas, big like

optimistic THE TRIUMPH OF CAPITAL. ‘AN ODE, (Picked up at the Crystal Palace, after the National Co-operative Festival, August 18, 1888 ; and preswmed to be intended as a sort of poetic counterblast, from another point of view, to Mr. Leww Morris's Ode, ‘‘ The Triwmph of Labour,” sung by 4000 Voices on that occasion.) Quire BRADLADGHABLE.—An evening pa Christians orthodox and endow churches, there does not seem to be a single wealthy unbeliever who is willing ) the debts by which he is em Member for Northampton siastic—say, as a ing together an old song, <d the Wealy. doves. of Gold we. : Come, let us sing together the old and joyous song! Who threatens to emancipate the clown ? Free workmen from their master’s frown ? of his gains afraid Toil are Slaves of Trade. Interests, in union strong, the workers’ claim disown. There is a strife not fought with sword or gun, Where, ’midst smug Peace, War’s wrong is done; Still, face to face, in hostile camp they stand,— Sapna, Letowr's beat, man holds his own with smiling ease, And if sham peans do the poor man please, Let the fools tootle ; it is rare good fun. ‘* Time’s curse is almost done”? Nay, friend, not yet, Whilst grabbers grab, and sweaters sweat, Optimist bards may pipe the pastoral reed ; Pan-pipes won’t soften Greed. Were workers really ‘‘ strong through brotherhood,” Panic would swiftly spread ugh Mammon’s brood ; But, spite of poet’s song, there’s little danger yet. Pooh! Let them pipe, and for one day rejoice ; Let maudlin Morris give them voice ; We know that what has been, is, and shall be. Lewis, your fiddle-de-dee Of optimistic Odes won’t give Man power. Eh? ‘ Peaceful union 1 oa a pertect flower ”’ ? Nay; much more like a ‘* plant,” for all their noise. Co-operant donkeys bray forth solemn mirth ; Ours is the fulness of the Earth, Culled, by strong hands, whose labour magnifies The harvest that we prize. Look round! and see how rich that harvest grows ! Whilst we’ve Wealth’s golden fruit and Pleasure’s rose, Labour’s last “‘ triumph,” bard, though loud, is little worth. See how around the slums the cellars fill With triumphs of the Sweater’s skill ; ‘* The man’s work, the woman’s deft and fine,” To swell our h s combine. See them sit pinched and pallid, dull and dumb ; In that strange den, that’s dubbed an a home E’en children work; play their poor mouths won't fill, Therefore let Toil make merry,and seem glad ; The vision not m us . We, in Wealth’s wider, stronger brotherhood, Gns, cloee only bood that really binds Te si e rea God Memumon's golden link. Wealth little minds The thing poor fools call ‘* Union,” are mad. And we—we sing together our old and joyous song ! ** that while with theke millions to

to endow Mr. BaapLavon, or even to rescue him from Of course, as the Junior is a person of ability, this is sad ; is name announces that he “ knows STE Se ee igno! j is distinguis ut ortunate co-anti-religionist. Mr. BraDLAvenm may he a ic b fun in his own circle, but, when the hat goes round, he is not y to provoke quite as much enthusiasm as an eminent eccle- Canon of a cathedral.

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—— —_—— _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [SerremBer 1, 1888. , «£4 of) =r 44a es MUM MMO ee MMMM MMMM OM a er SS " —— — OUT OF TOWN. (UNFASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.) Mr. and Mas. Witttam Nupxins (AND FAMILY) ARE SPENDING THE SUNDAY AFTERNOON ON HAMpsTEAD HEATH. “MY HEART’S IN THE HIGHLANDS.” (New Version of an Old Song.) Mr. P-——t sings :— Mr heart's in the Highlands ; it long has been here ; My heart's in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer. The hills of ould Erin are greener, I know, But for sport, at this moment, they 're plainly no go. My heart’s in the Highlands, &e. This is clearly the place for this species of game. Here | think I may manage to track and take aim. Tis a monster, an ud of its high-antlered crown ; sut just give me a chance, and I'll yet bring it down. My heart’s in the Highlands, &c. My heart ’s in the Highlands. Great Grappr is clear That if |’ve a chance of success, it is here. He knows the ground well, and he wishes me luck. Well, 7 wish it were night, and the quarry well struck ! My heart's in the Highlands, &c. I shall manage a pop at you yet, please the pigs! Though I do feel a little bit like poor old Briggs : My elbows so ache, and my knees are so sore : Still 1’m bound so stalk on, though it’s rather a bore. My heart ’s in the Highlands, &c. They didn’t expect me—those Cockneys did not— To come out as a crack Caledonian shot. GoscHEn’s swaggering challe Horroo!!! Yet I wish that these rocks were less rough. My heart’s in the Highlands, &c. Yes, my heart ’s in the Highlands,—but so are my legs, Which are stiff at this moment as two timber pegs. But oh, just to hear a swift bullet go omen Through yon animal’s back-bone, or into its haunch ! My heart’s in the Highlands, &c. of course was mere bluff. How little they like me, the Sassenach lot! A sleuth-hound’s slow patience, plus skill as a shot, Are needful for stalking a quarry like yon. Well, a lesson we’ll learn ere all here is done. My heart’s in the Highlands, &c. All hail to the Highlands! All hail to the North! The home-land of Wr1iu14M, the country of worth! And if to yon brute its quietus I give, I'll shout for Auld Scotland as long as I live. My heart’s in the Highlands—that is to say, here— My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer. Believe, ‘‘ brither Scots,””—I assure you ’tis so,— My heart’s in the H ighlands wherever I go! A GOOD JOKE (FOR CLIENTS) FROM THE LAW COURTS. Hieu Covrt or Justice, Cuancery Drvision, Counsel (addressing Vacation Judge). My Lud, in this case I appear te ask your Ludship for leave to have a petition to wind up a Com- pany answered at an early date. Under a special Act of Parliament passed on the 13th of August, 1888, the Court has jurisdiction to wind up this Company under the provisions of the Companies Acts. Learned Judge. 1 wish it to be known by the Bar that Judges who sit in the Vacation have no knowledge of recent Acts of Par- liament. Some order has deprived the Judges of notice of Acts of Parliament formerly sent them. I cannot accept notice by hearsay. Let the petition go into the general list. Counsel. Very well, my Lud. But—— : Learned Judge. Extremely sorry. Call the next action! Haryessep To 4 NieuTmarr.—It appears, from a letter of Sir Witu14M Fraser to a contemporary, that the Duchess of Ricumonv’s ball at Brussels, on the eve of Waterloo, was given in a coach-house. Thus the identity of the site of this rather gruesome entertainment no longer remains without a stable foundation.

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HIN YUALLAU WIH LV LAD NV I, “Fi-s4 iSUNH KNOoud NH I ' « iI SAUNVW TH jf : Hy Wy, My Wy “HON Dd uo IS—1TUVAINVHD NOGNOT AHL ‘| Nana *QRel

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an senatan of . Field Officer’s Widow ? id. Seareely. The musicians, who had not progressed sufficiently | * National Anthem,” will have gone Ta — SerremBer 1, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 105 grieve. If it were a question of adulteration, that would put a new . | complexion on the case. And even that subject would sure to end —— | in a gratis advertisement for Somebody’s Patent Home-Made Loaves. A LITTLE HOLIDAY IN SCOTLAND. Energetic Friend. “‘Now, Jack, LL GET A SPLENDID SHOT IN HALF-AN-HOUR OR 80! STOP WHERE YOU ARE, AND [Jack is thinking that by that time it will be dark, and then what's to be done ? FOR NOW IT I8 SEPTEMBER! SceneE—Sanctum of a Daily Paper. Editor and Faithful Contributor discovered in consultation. Editor, | am afraid that Bethlehem Hospital, Marriage, Smoking, laughed so merrily that I promised that we should d the lrish Exhibition, are used up. Faithful Contributor, Surely, not quite. For instance, about the Couldn’t I write indignantly rin their art to play the ‘ about the Cork Band under the back to Ireland before we shall have had time to get published, F. C. Might I not remind the G. O. M. that once he liked Mar- malade better than Jam, and quote from Hansard to prove it, eh ? Ed. Fancy people are growing rather tired of these raked-up little inaccuracies of the Ex-Premier. Ye m F. C. Could I do anything in the Ed. 1 am afraid not. You A Mother of Six Daughters,” “* Matrimonial line ? written as see you have already Little Toddlekins,” ** An En mung Man,” “Nellie,” ‘*A Retired Physician,” ‘‘A Sensible English Girl,” and “ Anti-Latch-key,” and are getting rather motonous. Can’t you think of something new? F. C. Well, there is the British Museum. They say that the Reading Room is full to overflowing with people who come there only to th | with the we r recreation, Ed. Why shouldn’t they ?_ If anyone is to be excluded, why not ie professional bookmaker who lives on scissors and paste? Besi who cares for the contents of the British Museum? Far too valuable and useful to attract attention. Now, if anyone had been interfering vuld be quite a different matter. FP. C. The Bakers seem to have a Ed. 80 long as the British Publie pigeons or the drinking-fountain outside the entrance, that No, we must get something else. evance. rolls for breakfast, they can “IT in. Seis Lord Worsetey is going to live at Greenwich. Can’t we say anything about that ? £d. Only that he will have increased facilities for taking shrimps with his tea. F. C. The Scotch Express—— Ed. 1s to race no-‘more, but to travel at the leisurely rate that we we Cr hnythn re ae Gunton? Barring the - at the theatres ing PewLey new entertainment at the Comedy is the reverse of novel. : £4. Oh, I think we may leave the Drama alone at this season of the aa od Nobody expects anything notable until the middle of . & Ngee affairs ? Ed, Sick of them. Besides, there aren’t any. Same old story. Bismarck mysterious, and BovtaNern blatant, Two B.’s might sugrest industry, but, on the whole, they don’t. - C. Well, then, what shail I write about ? Ed. Don’t know, I am sure. What you like. F. % What do you say to Giapsrowe and Lucrative Straw- berries Ed. Gtavstone and Gigantic Gooseberries would be more appro- priate to the season of the year; but do what you please. F. C. And can’t I have another dash at ‘‘ How to Prevent Sleep- lessness.”” Ed. Well, no, I think our readers will be able to discover a cure for insomnia for themselves ! [Scene closes in amidst ds of slumber. A WORD ON BEHALF OF A PERSECUTED RACE. Waar a blessing is a sympathis'ng Mother-in-Law! How beauti- fully she rounds off all the corners of life’s right-angles. And when, as in my case, she happens to be blessed with a large amount of —_ literary taste, accompanied with a devotion to truthful- ness that nothing can shake, where could a confiding Son-in-Law look for a more perfect treasure ? We have been spending a few days at Eastbourne, my Wife, m Mother-in-Law, my Brother-in-Law, ALFRED, and myself. M Wite being an invalid, and Atrrep bemg fond of sailing, which I emphatically am not, Mother-in-Law accompanies me in my daily stroll, and I find her quite a model companion. Being of what is ‘called, I believe, a literary turn, I sometimes, on these occasions, tr | my feeble wing, and soar into the loftiest regions of imagination. It | is on these occasions that I find the honest candour of my companion |so advantageous. For instance, now, we strolled the other day, despite the merry East Wind, as Cuances Kinosiey used to call it —poetically, of course, for practically, | must confess that I cursed oil owen at it nearly all the way home, of course, sotto voce, as they say at the Opera,—to Beechey Head, I never, by the bye, remember |W o Brrcuey was, probably, as I wittily suggested to Mother-in- | Law, a distant connection of Sir Hien Bexcn, a Lord of the Manor |of Epping Forest, judging by the size of his 5 5 which she ve a Pic-nic | there next summer. We strolled about till near sunset, and then turned homeward, when my companion, seeing “ ardent look fixed upon the restless sea, asked me what I saw’ Without a word of reply I sank down upon the chilly turf, and taking out my pocket- book, I pencilled down, in less than a quarter of an hour, the | following thrilling impromptu :— “* How the sun shimmers upon Beechey’s Head! While the pale twilight ouvvies on the lea! Hark to the echo of the Coast Guard's tread, Whose telescopic glance oft sweeps the sea!” I almost blushed as I placed the manuscript in her hand, and I eagerly watched to see what effect it produced upon that candid and truthful relative. ‘‘She read it twice, she read it thrice,” as Tenwy- sow sings, and then taking both my hands in hers, she said, looking full into my eyes, ‘‘ Jouy, I could not have believed it, had I not witnessed it; why this one stanza contains, not only the exquisite music of SHELLEY, but also the noble realism of Brownie, and both are combined to make up a picture that will stamp itself for ever on my fond memory.” . i - - Who can wonder that on that eventful evening I at length con- sented that dear Atraep should reside with us until his Mother could make other arrangements for him, J. Lrrevé. New Name vor THE AGRICULTURAL FOLLOWERS OF THE G. 0. M. —Men of Straw

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NCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. (Serremper 1, 1888, August 18.—Gowrne and Cummines walked over tp arrange an evening at Bargate. It being wet, Gowns asked CUMMINGS to accom him to the hotel and | have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and jn | fact disapprove of the game. CuMMINGs said he must | hasten back to Bargate; whereupon Lvpry, to my horror, said, ‘‘ I'll give you a game, Gowrwe—a hundred up. A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite for | dinner.” I said,‘ Perhaps Mister Gow1ne does not care ty | | play with boys.” Gowrye surprised me by saying, “ (h yes, I do, if the play well,” and they walked off tomether | August 19 (Sunday).—I was about to read Lupry a sermon on smoking (which he indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat and walked out. Caran then read me a long sermon on the palpable inadvisability of treating Lurty as if he were a mere child. I felt she was somewhat right, so in the evening I offered hima cigar. He seemed pleased, but, after a few whiffs, said, This is a good old tup’ny—try one of mine,” and he me a cigar long enough almost to put in the umbrella rack. August 20.—I am glad our last day at the seaside was fine, though clouded overhead. We went over to Cux- mines’ (at Bargate) in the evening, and as it was cold, we stayed in and played games; GowmNe, as usual, overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play “* Cutlets,” a game we never heard of. He sat ona chair, and asked Carrre to sit on his lap, an invitation which dear Carrie rightly declined. After some species of wrangling, J sat on Gowrye’s knees and Carnie sat on the edge of mine. Lupry sat on the edge of Cannrte’s lap, then Commanes on Lupmy’s, and Mrs. Cummrves on her husband’s. We looked ridiculous, and laughed a good deal. Gowrne then said, ‘‘ Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?” We had to answer all together, ** Yes—oh, yes,” (three times). Gowrve said, ‘ So am | I,” and sud enly tup. The result of this stupid joke was that we all fell on the ground, and poor Caran banged her head against the corner of the fender. Mn. CuMMINGs put some vinegar on, but through this we THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. missed the last train, and had to drive back to Broad- steps, which cost me seven-and-sixpence. , LET'S TRY AND GET INTO THE SAME MovuRNING-COACH AS pu. He ALWAYS COMES OUT 80 JOLLY ON THESE OCCASIONS !” — = — —— === | RAILWAY READING. THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. THE IDEAL, ACCORDING TO SIR THEODORE MARTIN. | August 11.—Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupry on our Scene— Platform Book-stall. Stall-keeper discovered. | hands, still, it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the Bank, Passenger (entering leisurely). Can you recommend | simply because *‘ he took no interest in his work, and always arrived an hour | anythin ? sometimes two hours) late.”” We can all start off on Monday to Broadsteps with | =» (after consideration). Well, Sir, if your a light heart, though nearly half my allotted fortnight’s holiday has been wasted | journey is a long one, would not ALLrson’s History of in correspondence with the Manager of the Bank at Oldham. | Europe, or Grsnon’s Decline and Fall suit you? August 13.—Haurrah! at Broadsteps. Very nice apartments near the station. Passe . I thank you, but I think something lighter | On the cliff they would have been double the price. The landlady had a nice | would please me better. I am leaving busy toiling five o'clock dinner and tea ready, which we all enjoyed, though Lrprn seemed | London, in search of leisure—recreation. fastidious because there happened to be a fly in the butter. It was very wet in | Stall-keeper. Then, perchance, the poet’s song would the evening for which I was thankful, as it was a good excuse for going to please you. We have Paradise Lost, that mighty work | bed early. Lupry said he would sit up and read a bit. |of mightier Mrzton. Or, should you prefer the Drama's August 14. I was a little annoyed to find Lupry, instead of reading last | claims, here is SHAKSPEARE, in twelve handy folios. night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, given at the Assembly Rooms. Passenger. Nay, { know Mutton and the Bard of 1 expressed my opinion that such performances were unworthy of respectable | Avon by heart. l'would give prose romance a turn. patronage, but he replied, ‘‘ Oh, it was only ‘for one night only.’ I fel a fit of} Stall-keeper. Well, then, Sir, I can recommend 2 | the blues come on, and thought I would go to see Potty Presswett, England’s | edition, fu illustrated, of that great Wizard of the Particular Spark.” I told him I was proud to say I had never heard of her. North, Sir Watrer Scorr; or prefer you something Carnie said, ‘‘ Do let the boy alone. e’s quite old enough to take care of| still more modern? We have the History of Lord | himself, and won't forget he’s a gentleman. Remember you were young once | Macautay, which, they tell me, is quite a romance. yourself.”’ Rained all day hard, but Lvrrw would go out. | Passenger (smiling). I see you are fond of quaint | August 15. Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Bargote, and the first conceits: but have you no modern novels ? = we met on the jetty was Gowrne. I said, *‘ Hulloh! I thought you Stall-ke . Ay! Indeed, we have, Sir! The works ad gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends?” He said, ‘‘ Yes, but | of Ggorce Exuior and of THACKERAY. | young Perer Lawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so | came down Passenger (hesitating). And yet I know not how vere. You know the Cummunes’ are here too?” Carrie said, ** Oh, that will choose with such a ly feast before me. Let me see. | be delightful—we must have some evenings together and have games.” | intro-| Porter (ap caching). Please, Sir, you have missed | duced Lupry, saying, ** You will be pleased to find we have our dear boy at| your train. — expresses annoyance, 48 the hems 7 5 ape mene -_, ‘* How’s that ie You iy + mean a y he’s mn Se Scene closes. jank’” I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoi any of those { awkward questions which Gow1Ne a has a knack at asking. , THE REAL, ACCORDING TO THE FACTS OF _ = August 16.—Luptn positively refused to walk down the Parade with me| Scexne—Platform Book-stall. Stall-keeper discoveret. because | was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock coat. I don’t know} Passenger (entering hurriedly). Can you recomme what the boy is coming to. anything ? August 17.—Lvprs not falling in with our views, Carnre and I went fora Btall-Lee (promptly). Yes, Sir. Dead Beat, The sail. It was a relief to be with her alone, for when Lvptn irritates me, she latest thrilling shocker. eI always sides with him. On our return, he said, ‘Oh, you’ve been on the| Passenger. All right! That'll do. [ Buys #. ‘ Shilling Emetic,’ have you? You'll come to six-pennorth on the ‘ Liver Jerker’| Porter (approaching). Just in time for your train, Sit | next [ presume he meant a tricycle, but I affected not to understand him. [Passenger expresses satisfaction as the Scene closes. |

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species RIE sat LERTE’s N68 on tughed ver in rether, So am d joke JARRIE Mrs. his we Broad- .RTIN. ered. nmend your ory of ighter toiling would r Ww rk rama 's urd of 1. nd an of the ething Lord juaint works SepTeMBER I, 1888. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. 107 eee ry ye 7 i! a ee OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 13. LIKA JOKO GOES YOTTIN. A LONG VACATION STORY, BY A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. You must know that my Chambers are not cntinnly my own. ) As a matter of fact, I occupy personally a circular win w divided into compartments and shut in with a green baize curtain from a room of larger proportions (belo: another tenant), through which I aging to r = have to pass before reach my own well-ventilated ‘snetum. The other tenant and I take about a fourth of the com- plete snite, the the « minent lead: remainder being rented princi er of the South Northern Circuit. y by Baypsmay, To tell the truth, we are rather proud of ‘‘ keeping” (as they say at Cambridge) with BanpsmMan, as we hope to gather some of the briefs that may fall from the great man’s writing-desk. I have a very slight acquaint- ance with him personally, my conversations with him having been composed chiefly of “‘Good morning” or ‘‘ Good evening” passed to one another on our meeting in the passage common to both our rooms. However, of course I know him very well by sight, and have noticed that he is a severely precise, neat, and quiet kind of man. I have heard that he intends some day to be Lord Chancellor, and is now, so to speak, in training for that dignified position. My excellent and

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i [Sertemper 1, 1888, | e clerk, Portrserosx, who, as a rule, is no great respecter of persons, always talks of Banpsman with bated breath, and rushes forward to open the outer door when the great man prepares to leave the Chambers. It is necessary to explain this, and further to add, that with the good-fellowship habitual to men occupying the same | Chambers, by an unwritten law we are permitted to use one another’s | rooms in the absence of their proper proprietors. My own particular room is popularly supposed ty those of my unprofessional friends oecasionall y honour me with a visit, to be the cupboard, in which | | keep my wig and gown, when not arguing abstruse points of law | with the Lorp Carer Justice, the Master of the Roris, and other | learned personages. From this it will be seen that Bawpsman’s ipartment is far more imposing than my own. Some little while ago I had reason to believe that I might receive certain Vaeation business from a Solicitor who had been kind enough to say that he considered himself under an obligation to me (I had bailed him out when he had been arrested at two o’clock in the morning while attempting to let himself in with a corkscrew, which it appears he had mistaken for his own latch-key), and consequentl I had warned Portryeron that should any client ask for me it woul he as well if he showed him into the rooms of my co-chamberman, Mr. BanpDsMAN, ‘* He is rather eccentric,” I had said, on bidding my excellent and admirable Clerk adieu, ‘‘and may possibly be a little excited when he calls ; so merely show him in, a do not disturb him if he goes to Poxtineton bowed, and said that he quite understood the situation. On the following morning as I was entering my Chambers I was met by an American acquaintance, for whom I have a very deep respect, but who is not entirely accustomed to the staid ways of what he calls this ‘ played-out old country.” He button-holed me, and told me that he had been looking out fer the London friend of a friend of his in the States. He could not find the said London friend, now was hunting for the said friend’s children. ‘*My friend’s friend’s name was Sarrn,—Rosert Smirn,” he observed. ‘* He was living in 1824. Thatisso. I have advertised for his descendants, if any. If you hear from any of them, why just you let me know.” ‘* My dear fellow,” I replied, ‘*I shall be only too delighted if I can be of any service to you. But surely it’s a little vague ‘ “* Not at A card will do anything in the States. here ° Yes, Sirree. Soif you hear from any of them, why just you write to ‘ Poste Restante, Rome,’ where I am due the day after to-morrow. ty wad-bye ” And before I could say anything in response, he had seized my hand, wrung it heartily, hastily jumped into a hansom cab, and was being driven at a gallop towards the Victoria Railway Station. who sleep.” a0 Why not ner “al A little flurried by this rather unexpected encounter, I paused a | few moments to and then entered Chambers. ‘** He’s come, Sir,” said Porrrneton, as I walked in, ‘‘ and I have shown him into Mr. Banpsman’s room. He’s rather a rum ‘un, Sir; but I suppose it is all right. But you won’t be long, I hope, Sir, as Mr. Banpsman’s Clerk tells me that Mr. BanpDsMAN is coming up to town at two o'clock, and will want to use his room for several consultations that can’t wait until the end of the Vacation.” **Oh, certainly, Portrveton,” I replied. ‘‘ No doubt I shall not -_ the room for more than half an hour.” }pon this I assumed my best manner (I usually adopt a cheery and genial air when dealing with clients—it puts them at their ease), and entered the apartment in which my anticipated acquaintance was seated, and greeted him with great cordiality. ** Delighted to see you, my dear Sir,” I exclaimed—and then | To my astonishment I found, instead of my expected visitor a rough-looking person in a velveteen coat and a fur cap, — a newspaper in his right hand, and a thick short stick in the other. ‘*Ax your parding, Guvnor,” said this person, with rather a regain my composure, my stopper . I have put your name and address to the advertisement. | threatening air, ‘‘ but I’ve come about this ’ere advertisement.” He handed me the ne wspaper with a marked passage in the second column of the front page ‘You are Brrer.ess, ain't you?” he asked, roughly. and glanced at the marked passag: request that all persons claiming relationship with a Rosert SarrmM, | living in 1820, should call upon me at my Chambers, when they} ‘would hear of something to their advantage.” ‘* Now,” said the person, looking at his stick, ‘‘ 1 ain’t going f stand no nonsense. I ’ave wasted ’arf a day ’ere, ’cos I turned up | before the doors was opened. Bos Smirn was my uncle. What's the summut I’m going for to ’ear to my advantage ?” | really did not know what to say ordo. I could not help feeling greatly annoyed at my American acquaintance’s thoughtless im- petuosity ‘Se you are old Bos Sarra’s descendant, are you, my worthy | fellow?” I exclaimed, with a heartiness I was far from feeling. “None of your gammon,” he replied, roughly; “ but stump up| I nodded, To my horror I found it was a| or} ‘ Ee now you knows my rights. Cos why—if you don’t stump upit won't be pleasant for you.” . his threatening demeanour, I was about tly upset b remonstrate, when Portrneton ushered in two more rough- persons and three musc females. The five additions to our litt), cirele produced as many marked newspapers, and immediately calj« my attention to what they deseribed as their “‘ rights.” My worthy people,” 1 began, ‘‘I fear there must be some mis. They anathematised the suggestion, and all six of them advaned re. A me with a demeanour that made me devoutly wish that w: had ineluded a police-constable on the strength of our clerical esty- blishment. I saw that I must temporise. “My good friends, I was a little eae for your visit, but if you will wait here a few minutes, I think I can satisfy you. And now I will retire.” The rough-iooking men were inclined to bar my exit, but the three females, with observation ‘‘that anyone could see as I was « gentleman as meant to be’ave as a gentleman,” suggested that | should be allowed to go on the understanding that I returned in five minutes with the ‘‘ summut” I had presumedly promised to give them. The men accorded a grudging consent, and I walked away. Once outside, with a hurried remark to Portryeron that I might not return until the commencement of Term, I left my Chambers. Later in the _ I passed Pumphandle Court, and from a loud altercation I heard going on within (in which I distinetly recognised the voice of BanpsMAN raised in angry expostulation), I much fear that my unwelcome visitors (who seemed still in ion), had seriously interfered with the serenity that usually is the charac- teristic of my eminent co-Chamberman’s important consultations, IS SMOKING A FAILURE P Sir,—I have not the least doubt that the discovery made by Mepicus, dating from the Middlesex Hospital, that smoking Turkish and Evyptian cigarettes is most injurious to health, is absolutely correct. I have often wondered why it is that I feel so uncommonly queer after dinner; now at last the mystery is ex- lained. It is all due to the ‘* Wady {alfa Paragons” that I have been in the habit of smoking, but which I shall now | abjure in favour of a pipe and some extra | strong Virginia shag. assure you that often and often I have felt just as if my throat were on fire, and have habitually ole ,. gone to bed in my boots, awaking the next Beer or Bier—The Smoker’s morning with a perfectly splitting head- Mixture. ache. Yet I have been most moderate in eating, and have steadily limited my drinking to two bottles of Tokay and half a bottle of Scotch whiskey per evening, which surely nobody can call an excessive supply. Some ridiculous friends have insisted that I am suffering from » poisoning, and have induced me to try this retreat, kept—I fancy—by a medical chum of their own; but you can judge how mistaken the treatment here is when I say that I am limited to two glasses of weak “‘ Vin Ordinaire” a day, while the presiding physician does not care in the least how many noxious and poisonous cigarettes I indulge in. Need I say that, after these awful revelations of Mepicus, I have given a weekly notice of my intention to leave this retreat—‘‘ beat a retreat,” i may perhaps call it—and resume my old modes of life, minus my old penchant for cigarettes, but p/us pipes and cigars, ad lib, ? Yours, eye-openedly, The Home for Inebriates, Lostwittles, Cornwall. A Toren. | Srr,—my mucous membrane is in an awful condition! Do you know | what it is to have a coupleof Doctors exploring your larynx for three | hours, as if it were a part of the Dark Continent? Ido. They say | that my laryngeal regions—by which I think they mean my throat, only a natural delicacy prevents them putting it so plainly affords | a most interesting study, because in all their experience they have never seen anything look half so bad! This is comforting to me. Now, after Mepicus’s disclosures as to the horrible ‘* unclassified alkaloid poison ” in Egyptian cigarettes, I cannot have a doubt where my ill- ness has come from. Where it will go to, time and my Doctors will have to decide between them. And then for Mepicus calmly to con- fess that the alkaloid poison is “ unclassified!” I don’t feel, how- ever, as if it would do my “laryngeal regions” much good even if it were classified. Yours, mucussedly, A Daserer rn E@ypriaNs. P.S.—A sanitary expert has just told us that our house happens to be planted over an old cesspool, and that all the domestic pipe connect directly with it. Possibly, after all, the alkaloid is not # guilty as we thought. at tH NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by « Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this there will be no exception.

Page 15

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Szrraunse 1, 1888. IMPORTANT TO ALL LEAVING HOME FOR A CHANGE. “Among the most useful medicines that have been introduced within the last century is ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT,’ There is no doubt that where it has been taken in the earliest stage of a disease, it has, in many instances, prevented What would otherwise have been a severe illness. The effect of BNO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ upon a disordered and feverish condition of the system is matvellous, As a nursery medicine the ‘FRUIT SALT’ is invaluable; instead of children disliking it, they look upon it rather in the light of a luxury. | As a gentle aperient and a corrective in cases of any sort of over - indulgence in fon, HEALTH-CIVING. eating or drinking, ENO’S ‘FRUIT SALT’ is all that is needful to by) ~~ PLEASANT. COOLING. : ‘T 8 f. an. ; | restore freshness and vigour. In cases of Nervous Headache and Debility it is le vy & INVIGORATING.

ow ) especially useful, and should be taken in all cases where persons suffer from a ; ve ; ” r . x3 T1 | sluggish condition of the Liver.”— Young Ladies’ Journal. ey . 2330 Oe purosTans TO TRAVELLERS.—" We, the undersigned, have for the last four years used your FRUIT SALT during several important survey expeditions in the Malay Pent Siam, and Cambodia, and have undoubted \y derived great benefit from it. In one instance only was one of our party attacked with fever during that period, r our supply of Fruit Salt had run out. hen making long marches under the powerful rays of « vertical sun, or travelling through swampy 4 stricta, the wiemeae! ave used the Fruit Salt two and three times a day in the following manner and proportions ;—At daybreak two teaspoonsful mixed with the juice of a raw lime and a ugar, in a tumbler of water, shortly afterwards a the Fr meal of tea or coffee, bread, and fruit; about midday“one small spoonful, with raw lime juice and water, and before ring for the night another teaspoonful in water. ruit Salt used as aforesaid acts as a gentle aperient, keeps the bleod cool and healthy, and wards off fever. The under- ‘eS ee mgr ned have neasure in voluntarily testifying to the value of ? bert preparation, and their firm belief in ite efficacy. We never go in the jungle without it, and have also recommended it to others -¥. murs truly, Commander A. J. Lortus, F.R.G.8,, his Siamese Majesty’s Hydrographer; E. C. Davipson, Superintendent Siamese Government Telegraphs.— Bangkok, _ May, 1883.—J. C. Hno, Eaq., London.’ TIMULANTS and insufficient amount of exercise nently derange the liver. UOCCESS IN LIFE.—* A new invention is brought before the public, and com- ENO’S FRUIT SALT is peculiarly adapted for any co tional weakness of the mands success. A seore of abominable imitations are immediately introduced by the er. Aworldof woes is avoided by those who keep and use ENO’S FRUIT SALT.—“All | unscrupulous, who, in copying the original closely enough to deceive the public, and yet stomers for ENO’S FRUIT SALT weuld not be Meet ng, any consideration, | not so exactly as to infringe upon legal rights, exercise an in genuity that, emplo} yed in they having received so much benefit from it.”—Woop Brorurns, Chemists, Jersey, 1878."’ | an original channel, ceuld not fail to secure reputation and profit.” —Apaus CAUTION.— Examine each Bottle, and see that the Capsule is marked ENO'S ‘‘ PRUIT SALT.” Without it, you have been imposed on by a worthless imitation, SOLD BY ALL CHEMISTS. Prepared only at_Eno’s “ Fruit Salt” Works, Pomeroy Street, New Cross Road, London, SE.

LISHED 1825. THE HINDOO PEN. N F AVE? iy FON [) ernie mim ea : i, 2, and 8 AND THE AGED. BEST AND CHEAPEST. sosmrietmoes-covnrseenne | CORK DISTILLERIES COMPANY, UMBRELLAS.

8 Eve ery where nd ls. per Rox @ Semple Box, with all the kinds, Is. la. by Post. Ix ricurvea'ecawraow | SERIE, MEDAL, BOR WAVERLEY WOKKS, EDINBURGH, ] hiledelphia, 1876 ; Gold pare. } inet Prise Medal, byaney ee; ; a vey fine, full flavor aad Good Spirit.”—Jurors’ Award, Philadel f MBRELLA : OX@ COlmiren BURGOYNE’ S| “Uxadnstioiasty w 1ne| (emUcatamne FANE sk a Fa Bee fu prorat a He ° T NY poy bana ne pei Gushalian Saeeeee = J. EXSHAW & 00'S CORK D bistiluehies PANY SAMUEBL FOX & oO, Limited, have FINEST OLD BRANDY.

pevraes'

MOUKKISON’S ISLAND, CORK. Cases W | N E S added to tnair cslebrated. trasnen ba ae vw | 7-4, ~ & Oo ts, Replet 80 Street, W COLD ARIS 878 whieh give increased Stability and greater TINTARA, MEDAL, P EXHIBITION, | Neatness to the Umbrella. fi SAMUEL FOX & CO., Limited, mauu- 1 Medicines BRANXTON BURGUNDY, | KINAHAN’S “Tne RMA oy yy my ee F- - Corwin Medicine exceptional quality et a merely nominal HIGHERCOMBE, she LL QED ine, | Dice =: inferier = - LUGGAGE, PASSENGER, éc. WHOLESOME, WHISKY. T OW E : R LI FTS CIEE nak eranlons. #°. | THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1805. ee 2, GREAT TITCH FIELD STREET, LONDON, W | cuank, siaitete, a cb. Lin., | a A . a SOLD IN EVERY TOWN. London: SPIERS & POND, Ld. PIDMAN'S § SEA SALT. onised by the Koyal Family TIDMAN’S | < ‘SEA SALT. md approy d by De. Hassall. Apaly sed a béttic to-day of PERKY DAV!S" PALN- TIDMAN'S SEA SEA SALT. Fe roma as gait eee oe ee

IN

Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Szrrsemesr 1, 1888. “TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS. S AMUEL BROTHERS. it invite an inepection of their Show Rooms by Parents * Sore. “Loans” ——

i Guardians who are desirous of Outfitting their « charges for any of the Public or Private Col- la, &e The requirements of Youths and have for very many years engaged the closest { Messrs. Sauce Beoruens, with the result Cua s important department of their business has atiained very large dimensions, » that every want in Ru mts, Hosiery, Boote, &c., is fully met, and a The Firm are the originators ar of a special material, styled the TING FABRIC” (Regd.), that has been withetand the hard wear given by their school and every-day dresa, ar Javer egea, Beh Be attent r - ‘ er ialities ensured. ale proprietors AR-RESI® factared ¢t itha & rr Boys and Y LAA 65 & 67, LUDGATE HILL LONDON, E.C. “Brox” Serr “Cara” Ovencear.

| FOR YOU. FOR ME. ay, Your System A *ound Toa Yx QUININE MEURALSLA, Wrark PICK UP fom vo OVER WoOaz, cives it is [STRENGTH eneney }

Ce * ioe Matchless. al 64.

[ HEALTH FLOR DE JAV MILD INDIAN CIGARS T 22s icate arom 20e., and a ~ ry of 100 Post Free mples, 4 end 5 for ls (14 stamps "'BEWLAY & CO. 49 Strand, and 143, Cheapside. BALL - POINTED PENS, HN. HEWITTS PATENT As csod by B.B.E. the Prince cf Wales. These Pens neither ecrateh nor spurt, but glide over the roughest peper. They hold more ink and last

longer Bix sorte, eultable for ledger, bold, rapid, or iting. Amorted Noa of 33 Pens for » Ebony Anti Yost Pree of roles s. ld Hietting Penhoider, ail Statoner:, or ORMISTON t GLASS, S, Edinburgh. NUDA VERITAS HAIR RESTORER. For Twenty-Two Years acknowledged to be superior to all other Mair Restorers. Most eff-ctual, harmiess, and ermanent | NUDA VERITAS re stores grey or faded hair prevents hair falling NUDA VERITAS causes growth on bald ba . ie #0 » cnees at Ws. 6d by all Ve . thee ots, &c., from whom Circulars may be had Ager HOVENDEN & BONS } Soe = 06, Crrt Rea sect, W.. and 8

USED IN THE ROYAL NURSERIES. “| “BEST — FOOD FOR for le. Gd e “Jece Tas’

[JOSEPH GILLOTT'S STEEL PENS

~LOHSE’S (MAIGLOCKCHEN ) LILY Or THE VALLEY PERFUME is the most fashionable of the day, sold by all bigh class [erfurners. GUSTAV LOHSE, BERLIN

SEAM CORSET. Will not split in the seams or tear in the Fabric. Exquisite Mode'. Perfect Comfut. Guaranteed Wear THREE GOLD MEDALS Bold by all Dra: Ouustiers

SWIFT'S SPECIFIC is entirely a neh A Preparation, containing no Mercury, Pot —~ or any J ged —. stance, and cleanse blood | impurities through th e penpead the gece 1. | of thousends of cases of Klood Diseases, Skin | Diseeses. and Mercurial Poisoning have been re- eved by Swift's Specific Mrs. Sanam Powrte, ®, Russell Street, Hu Road, West Gorton. Manchester, writes “I suffered for many years with Cancer cn my tongue, which came near putting me in the grave 1 took Swift + Specific,and am now well—can walk | and talk as well as any one. I owe everything to | 8.5.8. lam ready to anewer all q | 6.8.6.—Swift's Specific, sold by al! Chemists ond | yde | of above price tend ‘or Treatise bikin Diseases. Posted THE SWIFT SPECIFIC COMPANY, %, SNOW HILL, LONDON, & < THE “PREMIER” | RAZOR STROPPING MACHINE ted, with Polished finished. £1 le; Case, £2 2s. Price 12s. 6d. ; High! Bilver-p A Every Machine Guaranteed. buat, the machia trouble, science, or “uit merely Ox your razor im th~ holder, edge do wards, turn a handl- slowly for a few secon‘s, and, behold the Ry 4 m i. as kKeon—well, let us say, ase should be.’ —Haraact or Teermmomiac. . GORDON, Winchester House, Old Street, London, E.C. ADAMS’S FURNITURE POLISH. THE OLDEST AND BEST. “Tee Qvee” cnotatee Soo * * feels no hesitation in recommending it. Soild by Grocers. lronmongers, Oilmen. te Manufactory—VAl ALLEY ROAD, SHEFFIELD. BRILL’S SEA SALT. 14d. per Bath. ‘BRACING AND REFRESHING, OF ALL CHEMISTS, &c. TORPID LIVER © CARTERS} oad

BY THESE LITTLE They also relieve Dis- tress from Dyspepsia, Indigestion. 4 Hearty Fat fect remeay for I bins. ness, ’ ness, bes Taste in “the Mouth. 7, Canene Tongue Pain im the Side, and Heapacus. Ther segs late the Bo and

and easiest to take Veorrasce, do not gripe action please al! ae Pil of the Un. at ls. gd. Sold by all Chemists, or sent by post. GMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE. SMALL PRICE. Liustrated Pamphiet free. British Depot. 46, Holbor_ Viaduct London, B.C ee SMOKE ASON’S ‘‘Golden The Sweetest Tobaced in the World. Sold by Tobacconists in Packets only GEO. MASON & SON, CHESTERFIELD. TUBES. “Hydraulic, and on Purposes, Galvanised or White Enameilet In stock to 6 in. diameter. Cocks, Valves, 6 Joms Srexcen, Globe Tube Works, t~ wy and i4, Gt, St. Thomas Apestic, Laas” HOWARD BEDFORD PLOUGHS.

INFANTS. FRY’S PURE le Tins, 1s., Os., Ge. and 10s. each. SAVORY & MOORE, conoos, + AND SOLD EVERYWHERE. | CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE COCOA |“ cousider tt a very rich delicious Cocoa.”—W. HE. BR. STANLEY, “2D. | PLAYER'S | GOLD LEAF NAVY CUT The Perfection of Tobscos

Trieted by W ulem Stuart Smith, of N im the Freainct of Pitcaoe, ae SPL UNE e he coer oes the St Bride wate Offices of Messrs, y of Lendos. —Satensat,