Punch 1888-08-04: Vol 95 Iss 2456

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‘“ A Pictorial Key Ou August ya will be publishet, pre 15s., the THIRD VOLUME o nisiow ot we |MIB- PUNCH’S VICTORIAN ERA. / Queen’s Reign.” | ,, PALL MALL GAZETTE “| raya dome yy Asn Queen s Reign (1837-1887) as reflected and illustrated in the“ Panch” Cartoons. Brapsuny, AGNEW & Co. | py on sepia criptive 4 arrative. The complete work makes three fine royal quarto volumes, each with a \ag « BOUVERIF STREET, E’ rontispiece Portrait, containing quite 1,000 Cartoons. elegantly bound. with elt edges. Price 423.

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> 2 . : > © 4 w =z > D wW m m ra) w v z . m : vif z 4 A 0 —— a y) N° 2456. m t Teors 4 . 4 hg THE NINETY-FIFTH. aoe a, a) ?wrorr a ll TT AUGUST 4, a Ue Tah TY ee eT re th Seren PC HV Ob) Mie tT » et) » mes ‘ — eter 7 EEEISIIITIIIT j i A i } \. ii NY om Carte Sey } 4 Vtg! >» Na | NIN Nf ad Sy f il\ S > ea) | rf fl f } ' i ’ ; Rrvy . ~ ce ve - « P .s PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, “~~” “QQ 4) fer ¢ e AND SOLD BY ALL BOO BSELLERS.

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amounted to 11,894.000 bottles.

nd +4 ‘The filling at the A pollinaris QO } Va V1 S Spring during the year 1887

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_| ETS Avaust 4, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49 ' —_ 159 oT : And here I am mugged up in blankets, and iappin at *ARRY ON ST. SWITHIN. olrum'ot! (that's all going to pot. 126 Dear CHARLIE, : ’Ow’s yerself and the country, old ‘ermit? i 8’ pose 166 I’ down with rheumatics, and scrawls this ’ere letter in bed, Teatotallers, tadpoles, and turmuts, may like this 180 | With a elber as sore as Jemimer, and ‘ammers at work in my’ . Unlimited Slosh, {barney will wosh. WOOL, ae aa July, Cuartie! Sum- | But don’t call it Summer, dear boy, for I'm blowed if that NS, For a fellow must be a fair turmut to stand such a| 5 gs bays, old Spoil-sport fp svee.® > Hill | Season of Slop. | But Bizness and Pleasure this season are wield by Mizzle HOTEL, I ’ave —, ® Xi mag sy ones, but my eyes and aj Oh, - Smo! —— my pippin! The very fust Lo This = = to bits; it is somethink a teatotal frog | To = om a somecnheren, should be yours might enjoy. wot there ’s left of him), ’ . hasnt Rain? Bust it, the'word isn’t hadyquate now, and if - aE Anny. Science would ” . a we. ; Dentis, ’Ow to talk of our weather O0.K., she must tip us some Give you Goon Day.”—By objecting to Mr. Justice L tomes. new parts of speech. — being one of ss 8 ae ey poo the ee NG TEETE S pos , ii ve their opponen e chance of reproaching them with atmoeptet | St. Swithin be jolly well jiggered! He’s got me on| not wishing to have the light of Day on their alleged dark om WO tt | toast, and no kid. secrets. Perhaps, after all, the Special ( at may San I’d been piling the dibs for a outing, and saved up a| be postponed sine die, without a Day. ek & Co, __ couple of quid, = ao So I jined a os , ae, of right ’uns who’d rented a - f prime four-in-’and, AY MES SE rowers of | For a tool down to Dorking by road, and, by Jove, we meant doing the grand. P E XTREMES ME ET. SULBS. aS 2 “ : (Musings of a Misanthrope, after reading the ‘‘ Latest a | If you’d witnessed the muster at Harcnert’s, at ten-thirty | Toosday week, Foreign Intelligence.”’) it You’d ha’ bust arf your buttons orf, Cuartre. It mizzled, a reglar damp reek, How bored these ime bling Royalti t be! charges. Like a cook-shop in Winter, my pippin; and as for our party, t Scorr ! A morning call. « Fiv ort pe “ll Tom, _ ~ An You’d a swore as you never coma ape on a funnier ae lot. Or her Ellow, “ eed ey ” of Bociet _ " The top-coats and macoats , CHARLIE, the rugs, and the hulsters with ’oods! Has as much vital interest and variety , . For a party of Gents in July! Oh, I tell yer ‘twas reglar goods. As these parades where crowned toff meets toff, N E Britons hout for a ’oliday? Bosh! North-sea pilots in shin-plaster suits, And HoHENzOLLERN bows to Romanorr. And Friars in brown bed-gowns, and Bobbies with tippets and double-soled boots ! Say I ‘drop in” on Jones and Joyes’s wife ; perfume - We bore each other nearly out of lif That nicks hus more nearer like, Cuartre. Yours truly was toffed up superb, , 1 bent | oe — In a thick hoatmeal suit of splashed dittos ; and as I stood there or the kerb, _ part mae anes Ve . | Src? direct. A puffing a prime Larr , my wate f sh on my arm, M . os perent wi id row a _— ' ) p LE. I tell you I fetched Piceadill y; al worked on he gabe like a charm. Att dae A ce tp Birthday | Book : ais Well, we took a nip round at the bar. Brandy neat was my tipple ; sounds rum e Russ the Teuton banquets when the r meet, oe ee For the dog-days, old I'll allow, but then dog-days is all a hum. Shows him his Army, and parades his Fleet. Lh Lemon-squosh 1s a capital lotion when Summer is fair on the job, Good Mrs. Jones and | contrive to chat ‘pecs) wa But to lap lemon-squash on a hiceberg is shivery work, s’help me Bob! About my Tennis, or her Persian Cat ; whe din, Well, we started. Oh, Cuarre, that ride! Which yours truly ain’t sugar or salt, I caring for her Cat, she for my Tennis aie To melt in a shower ; we packed close, liquored up every time we'd a halt ; As much as a blind nigger om: F t for Venice. fon, We. Puffed sputtering cigars tke dashed chimneys, or asphalter’s cauldrons, and yet Teuton and Russ make after-dinner epecien, es We couldn’t keep in any warmth, nor we couldn’t keep out any wet. _s- the Sa pee awe . ee os reaches ; : x a cynic TALLEYRAND te ; TILLES Tried to oke, my dear boy, but each wheeze, like the weather, was watery and The vow dor love each other mh. well, est remedy dull ; Ast admire ® dear Mrs Jones's” tabby) I had a toon hup on the ’orn, but I made jest the muckiest mull hilst each laugh low the toevend law Pot Lappy LUNGS. Couldn’t squeeze out one fair sisirary ; when there ’s a rowdedow round, Mrs. Jowes tells me that, upon her lif ’ ; J by ow Arry ’ates to be out of the ’unt, as you know by this time, I'll be bound. She’s pining for a sight of my sweet wife eWEIE Hutter frost, my dear boy, and no herror, that run down to Dorking by road, They ’re social rivals, and they love each other ' And next day I wos doing a doss with rheumatics as bad as be blowed. As—well, as WILLIAM loves his northern brother. oe This —_ oi they call Summer! The Seasons are ’aving a game, The Muscovite—or Swede, it matters not ODULE 00, And that sloshy old squirter, St. Swithin, they tell us, old pal, is to blame. Drinks to the Teuton’s health, talks royal ‘‘ rot’ pos, E.C days and no more, | Concerning ‘‘ bonds of friendship,” and the traces St. Swithin! He’s wus than Sir Witrrip, His whack’s fort But he’s now like Old Joe in the song, for he kicks up behind and before. He has spiled the whole Season this year, for he’s drownded both June and July, | And it’s pelting like fun as I write, although Orgust is now precious nigh. Mucked Henley! My Houseboat—leastways I'd the run of it, Caan.ie, old pal, The Boss bein’ BagsHor, the Booky, who hired it to please his new gal—— Our om, the ‘* Margery Daw,” was as smart as they make ’em, no oubt, But the spree gave yours truly the hump ; it wos jest one perpetual spout. Couldn’t do a lark round with the ladies or git a fair boss at e race. Ony wish I could spot old St. Waterworks; han him, J’d sit on his face! As to Wimbledon, well, that wos wus. Wot’s the good of the toppingest togs In weather like washing-day, CHARLIE, a season fit only for frogs / As to cricket, oh, criminy crikey! It’s muck, my dear feller—sheer muck ! When apy on ae can’t play Dassen: “*lobs,” and when Watrer Reap’s done or a duck, To =) oy on damp seats, doubled up like a cab-driver caught in a storm } _ wot Surrey mugs would ‘* sport,” but I tell yer it isn’t my form. | wn-tennis? Oh, turn it up—turn it up! Beastly to see pooty gals, With shiny black muckingtogs smothered, a-hiding their snappy Evins, A trottin’ about with damp oo ee their dear little noses all red Weng, Found on the chance of a game, when they ’d better be tucked up in bed, | an } pes = Bounding Brothers ”’ theirselves, those top-sawyers at service | The RENsHaws, carnt pla | Saw them pull off the dale But Witt only seemed arf in a puddle or mud-swamp with science and dash. s, wet-footed ; fair cautions for pluck and for skill; | in earnest, and Exwest scarce played with a will. VOL, xov, F That bind in one fast ‘‘ team” two rival races. So their ‘* ment’ is by bunkum ratified ; Wim “smiles graciously,” the Czar “looks gratified,” And Special Correspondents—wondrous creatures— Who read, in passing smirks on Royal features Imperial policy—proclaim alou Autocrat twaddle to the gaping crowd. Well, all this smiling sham, this humbug solemn, Ekes out an article, or pads a column. But, rm pe Csak! how these great and gracious ‘* Forked radishes,” these v: t and veracious Imperial Panjandrums must ! I fell asleep at Jones’s—nearl goenee | tattle But better tepid tea and twaddli Than bunkum-banquets which may lead to battle ! “Or course I see you’re joking,” said Mrs. R., with knowing look, interrupting her nephew—who had just commenced reading aloud the title of a ph in a newspaper, ‘‘A University for Wales.” ou can’t take me in quite so easily. University for Whales, indeed ? ** And -yet,” she added, reflectively, “ when 1 was in Cornwall, | heard them frequently speak of a ‘ School ot Herrings.’ So yon may be right, after all.” , A Dorom Frreyp or Mz. Gosomzw’s.—Van Tax.

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| during the Festival. | thing down, including prices. | | for the former, who sings with [Aucust ey, > a YS SS S ~— S = — S —¥ SS ST. SWITHIN TRIUMPHANT. THE RECORD OF A JOVIAL JULY. ‘“‘Coaror, Coesrer, Coarce!’ — and, of course, Chester did charge, and pretty well too, for lodgings and hotel accommodation But not exorbitantly. The weather sent every- Madame Norpica and Grace DamIAN when these two sing together it is specially good Grace; and as these artists, with Messrs. Ltoyp and SaynTLey, must have dined at least two or three hours before performing, they all, being with Miss Damuay, sing with (Crace-after-dinner. Everything very perfect. Miss BELLE CoLe,—Princess Cote, daughter, I suppose, of the ancient highly popular Monarch, who was, as everyone knows, so fond of music with his own chamber-trio of strings,—well, Miss Bette Coxe, not in excellent form ; And she being a Coie that can sing, might only have uired 4 little Coke-sing to come out all right. Her chest-notes were forcible, but not too forcible, by comparison with the locality, which, if her notes were chest, was, it must be remembered, Chester. Altogether satisfactory, except to Canon BLexcowr, who, we are informed, objected to patronise the sacred musical performance in the Cathe- dral. Well, he didn’t come ; and, if so, + acted like an indifferent Canon,—went off, with a slight explosion perhaps, but hurting nobody. Sir ArTHUR SULLIVAN thought that this Canon might have been loaded with reproaches. Howest Opposttioy.—That of Sir Witrrm Lawson, and Teeto- tallers, to all ‘‘ Imperial Measures.’ A great pint this. quite up to the high level of the others. But consider the weather!

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Avoeust 4, 1888. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 51

aa , 4 4 ty a... a 4 cs = j j =, — 4 a , Vay 1 / tf y Z “a Wi *‘ SHARP ’S THE WORD”! Wife. ‘Poon MAMMA IS DREADFULLY LOW-SPIRITED THIS MORNING, GEORGE. Br CREMATED !” Husband (with alacrity), ‘’O'B-LEss MY—— I'Lt—I "LL DRIVE HER OVER AT ONCE!!” ” (Throwing down his Newspaper.) ONLY THINK—SHE HAS JUST EXPRESSED A WISH TO “TELL HER TO PUT HER TuHINas on, Dear!

INTERVIEWING BY MACHINERY. (By One who now knows How to do it.) ] HAD received an intimation from the conductor of a popular London paper that I was to be visited by one of his representatives, | sol — myself together and looked up my note-books. I pon- | quietly and attend to me.

dered for hours over my past life, and called to mind its most tellin: incidents. I arranged my house in the most artistic fashion, a awaited events rather anxiously. At the appointed time a lively young gentleman introduced himself. ‘Now, my dear Sir,” said be, ‘‘all I want you to do is to sit You need not speak yourself. I am so accustomed to this sort of thing that I can save you all that trouble. lron-grey hair—military moustache—about fifty. Think you are about fifty, and the colour of your hair is hereditary ?” I noac ed. 7 * Quite so. Well, that will do for a start. I think you have been a soldier: had adventures of the usual kind in South Africa. Lived with the Boers and Afghans. Eaten half-raw mutton, and slept for nights in huts made of mud? Eh? That’s it, isn’t it?” Again I bowed my head. Certainly,” and he jotted down a few more lines in the note- book which he had taken from his pocket. ‘‘ Literary man too. Written lots of books. Novels—romances. You start a plot by getting a central idea. Then you think it out. Then you find the proper sort of persons to carry out your notion. Put them down and give them names? Then think out your last incident. Get it and go backwards till you come to Chapter First. Then go to the seaside and think it over again—all of it. Then begin your work and finish it. Eh? That’s the sort of thing, isn’t it?” Once more I silently acquiesced. Fancy too you were once a doctor. Laboured amongst the very poor. Heart crushed by the misery of the East End. Saw the usual characteristics of ‘ Horrible London.’ Once visited a Chinese Opium en —heathen ( ‘hinee—old woman with a small pipe—squalid sur- roundings. Eh?” I made the same gesture as before.

‘Just so. Then I think you have been fairly athletic. Were in your school Eleven and rowed in your College boat. Still have the vat, and took away the rudder. Got both of them hanging up in your study. Was rather fond of following the Thanet Harriers. Once caught by the tide at Herne Bay 4 mounted) had to swim for your life. i think I am right—stop me if I am wrong.” ,l did not stop him. 4 Live in this house. Usual sort of old-fashioned mansion. Bro- caded curtains, and dark-coloured wooden chests picked up in Brit- tany. Pictures of your father, mother, grandfather, and grand- mother. Value them all. However set highest price on a small xicture of himself, once given you by his Royal Highness. Fond of ad —that black poodle can do some tricks. Like flowers in your garden ; water them every day when your toil is done. Can play on the fiddle, and sometimes indulge in a game of whist at the Club. I think that is about all you have to tell me, except when you said good-bye you shook me warmly by the hand, and once more got back to the work my entrance had interrupted.”’ And before I could reply he had jumped up, rushed down my steps, taken a Hansom, and gone off to interview somebody else. ‘Pray Up! Musteve!”—*‘ It seems a pity,” says Our Own Times Correspondent, writing from Berehaven during the Naval Manceuvres, * that bands should now be all but abolished. Rightly or wrongly, Lord Charles Beresford is credited with the change, ’ &. What! Lord Caries, a prominent supporter and member of the Organising Committee of the Italian Opera, “‘ forbidding the bands’’! ! We cannot believe that Our Cuartey can have been so misguided as to be out of harmony with popular sentiment. Let every ship be like the Old Lady of Banbury Cross, and have music wherever she goes, to cheer up our hearts of oak, and set the tars’ toes going to the hornpipe. Stent Coyrusion.—‘‘ Very glad,” observed Mrs. Ram, *‘ to read that Mr. Sanriey is back again. He’s much better employed in singing, than in finding some Pasha or other in Egypt.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 4, 1888, ROBERT AT THE CRISTIAL PALLIS. Tuawxs to the kindness of a frend of mine who is enga there, I went larst week with a horder to the Cristial Pallis, but after gitting in without not paying nothink, I found to my grate estonishment, as I couldn’t have a seat in the Theater on the same libberal terms, and on picking out a nice one rite in front, I was acshally arsked no less than seven-and-six for it! Of coarse I wasn’t a going for to pay sitch a sum as that jest to how a Eye- talian Opera all about Don Geewarni— which I am told is short for Mr. Jonn— so, after a good deal of squabbling, he let me have one at the back for harf-a- crown. Luckily for me, one of my old Coppera- shun patrons was there, and he came up with his usual good-natered smile an # said, ‘I didn’t kno, Mr. Ropert, as you =~» was a Etalien skollar; are you?” To F which I replied, ** Not a werry fust-rate one, 1’m afraid, Sir; but I knos that greesy means a great singer, and that allboney means a werry stout lady.” “ Wall.” he said, larfing, ‘‘if that’s all, praps you ’d like me to sit by you, and tell you all about it ’”’ at I suttenly shood,” says I, ‘if you'll be so kind.” Witch he were. Well, after all the fiddlers and trumpetters and the big drummer hed payed away a lot of rubbish, jest to git their hands in, up went the Curtain, and sure enuff there was a werry ansumly drest gennel- man, whose name was Leppereller, and he began a singing, as I was told, all about what a noosance it were for him to be a dordling about out there in the cold while his Marster, Mr. Geewarni, was amusing of hisself indores. Presently in comes his marster and a werry stout lady all in wite a dragging of cach other about most horful, and then the Lady rans away, end in cums her father and tells Mr. G. as he ort to be ashamed of hisself for to hact like that, upon witch he pulls out his sword and they fites, and Mr. G. kills the lady’s father, bang on the floor, and then runsaway. And that’s the hend of the fust seen, witch didn’t strike me as being werry moral, till arter I’d seen the next one, and then I didn’t think so werry badly of it. In the second seen, in cums Mr. G. and his servant, Mr. Leppereller, a larting, and a singing all about the fun they ’ve jest had? when presently in comes one of Mr. G.’s old sweethearts, who gives it him pretty hot for leaving her as he had done, when he tells her as it’s all rite, as his frend Mr. L. will xplain, but as he’s got a werry perticklar engagement hisself, off he goes. Mr. L. then percedes to xplain everythink to the pore Lady, and if it hadn’t been as my Copperashun patron had told me what was coming, I never coud have bleeved that any one gennelman coud have behaved so shamefull, or that hundreds of most respectabel ladies, old and yung, coud have set and lissened to it all as cool as so many coweumbers! What a rewelashun ! Mr. Leppereller unfolds a long list about 10 foot long, which, he says, contanes the names of all his Master’s sweethearts! and then he tells the pore Lady how many there are and where they all lived! | So many in Itterly, so many in France, so many among the Turkeys, none, I’m prowd to say, in England, but in Spain one thousand and three! ! Clad I am as Mrs. Ronert wasn’t there to hear the shame- fool tail! But ewen that wasn’t all, for that imperent servant goes on to xplain that there was among ’em Marshonesses and Countesses and Barrownesses and Citizenesses, and ewen Serwants, in fact, sum of all sorts and all sizes! I never coud have bleeved it if I hadn’t have herd it all with my own years, and my kind frend’s together, and then off he runs, and ewerybody acshally larft and clapped their ands ! In the next seen of this shameful hoperer there is a pore willage gal a going to be married, and Mr. Geewarni acshally trys to per- swade her to go with him to his carsel close by! But three ladies and gennelmen, all dressed in black, faces and all, stops him jest in time, and gives it him pretty hot, and serve him rite, but he don’t seem to care much about it, for in the next seen he and his imperent servant comes in larfing as usual, tho it is a churchyard, with ony one toom in it, and that is the pore gennelman’s as he killed in the werry fust seen, and it has on it a picter in stone of the dead old Gent a seated on his favrit horse. Well, drekly as Mr. G. sees it, he makes his pore servant harsk him to come and have supper with him that werry nite at 12 o’Clock sharp, and he nods his stony head, and says as he will! No wonder as the pore servant was amost fritened to death, for it made ewen me quite start agane. Well, the werry next seen shows Mr. G. at supper with sum of the most owdacious-looking ladies as I ever waited on, and they all drank away at reel Shampane, as I was hinformed as Mr. Ornevstvus AkRIs was sitch a reel liberal Manager that he allers guv his peeple “an reel suppers and reel wine, like a reel Gennelman as he is. Well, presently, as trew as I sets here a riting, in comes the stony-looking Statty as was last seen on Horseback in the Churchyard, and sings out as he has cum to supper, as he}promised for to do. And then | hout runs all the pore fritened ladies, tho I saw one on’em as took | od care to emty her glass fust, tho she was so terrible agitated. | Then the Statty naterally harsks Mr. G. to shake hands with him, which he werry foolishly does, for of course it’s so cold that when | he’s gota hold of it he carn’t let it go agane till he falls down | dead on the floor, and is ewen then so cold that his face is all blew! | And then down came the Curtain, and it was all over, and we was | all so pleased to see how werry propperly Mr. G. was punished for | his owdacious goings on, that we all clapped our hands and went | home. And if this is the sort of morality as is tort by all Etalian Operas, it will be a jolly long wile before I takes Mrs. Ropert to see one, | tho I must say that both me and my kind frend, and all the Gennel- men, aye and a menny of the Ladies too, all seemed to most | thoroughly injoy it, and my kind frend was good enuff to tell me, | that tho we are no dowt the most morallest peeple in all the world when we understands all that ’s being said, when it’s served up in a | forren tung we can stand quite as much as most folks, and praps a | little more. RosBert. RECENT SUMMERY PROCEEDINGS. In the Country (selon la Saison). How provoking that the Blue Hungarians should have thought that the weather would have stopped the garden-party, and that in | ; consequence only the | ophicleide has come | down from London. I do not think, some- | how, he is producing | very much effect con- cealed among the palms in that conservatory. | Seeing that the rain | 1, is falling in torrents, 4/, it would certainly have been better to have poned the per- ormance of these pas- | toral players. That 5 el of _— ping wood nymphs would have been much more effective if it had been given without ae the aid of goloshes and | Fashions in the Present Rain. umbrellas. Dear me! why here is the river that has overflowed its banks, some up in full flood to the drawing-room windows ! Surely that must be the peacock perched on that garden- seat float- ing away bottom upwards in the distance. lam afraid that the poor Old Vicar with two feet of water running through his study must be feeling rather rheumatic. Ha! there goes the whole hay-crop carried away over the lasher. I wonder whether I could get any salmon-fishing in those cueumber frames. If this weather continues, I really think a visit to town would be desirable. See, here is the house-boat at the front door eome to take us to the | station. Notion For A JcvENILE Dramatic Art Scnoor.—The excellence of Mr. Savrite Crarke’scharming Tableaux Vivants (at 3°30, Anglo- Danish Exhibition) should suggest the idea to some enthusiastic Comedian—{why not to Mrs. KENDAL, the clever trainer of the Real Little Lord Fauntleroy ‘\—of starting an Infant Dramatic School, as a real nursery for the Histrionic Art. The Fairy children here are delightful, all so pretty, and evidently such very Good Fairies. | Mr. CLARKE only made one mistake, which hardly counts, and that was in representing the King as clothed. The whole point of ANDER- | sEN’s story is the child exclaiming, ‘‘ Why, he has got on no clothes at all!’ It was the Naked Truth v. Courtly Flattery and False- hood. Miss Awnre Detarour’s solo in the sixth tableau is well worth listening to; she is an invisible Fairy, as is Miss THorn- Ton, who also sings prettily during the next au. So the pup could learn music as well as acting, and would be instru in declamation by “‘The Orator,” Mr. Groner Tempir, and themselves as ‘* Students of the Temple.” RicoMonD Parx.— Wantage Ground for Wolunteers.

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ing | ice ter Avoust 4, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53 — HOW TO GET OUT OF IT. [Oritie to Editor —Duan Srn,—You told me I “mustn’t pitch into the new piece,” which I a should have done but for your kindly instruc- tions. I think I’ve managed the task rather neatly.—Yours, A. Triuuer. *,* Asa model specimen of how to get out of saying that a piece is utter bosh from i ning to end, we publish the accompanying in the interests of true Critical .—Ep.] We heartily congratulate Messrs. Co.wyw MaLaprop and Trmoray Granp on the triumphant success which attended the production of Dill their new and o Theatre yes- terday even- i Chiu | AMAL TT for at least a | fivehun Wh t that riod two play- || I wrights, |! harmonious- J ly, will have | to take its ‘an ; . a place. And = Melodrama at the Oracle ing. It is sure to run — “ g Hill - i at the end 0 r p . aan = no doubt the | , — who work together so another '|j piece ready . si when we say ax, . —a—_ =— Fy? 7 boagt ew =. 4 Sa be clearly understood that we do not pledge ourselves that this last arrived of our entertainments is either new or original. As a matter of fact we have seen everything contrived by our authors a score of times before, and are sick to death of fo bills, mislaid marriage certificates, and substituted children. e loathe deserted wives and sirenically influenced (if we may coin an epithet) husbands, and can see no fun in the low comedy of smashing a band-box, or gentle satire in puking disrespectfully of somebody’s mother-in-law. But what of that, and what does it matter? Have not Messrs. Mataprop and GRAND given us a good, healthy, honest, wholesome play, that will set the hearts of many a ery boy (and, if it comes to that, of many a gallery lassie too) ting as hearts have ever beat since good old Father Adam walked through the Forest of Ardennes in the company of the melancholy Jacques? Ay, and it is so, and we heartily thank our authors for what they have done for us. In these days of mock realism and sham sentiment, it isa thing to find that men can speak out, as it were, straight from the elbow, as readily in the Theatre as in the Church. Not that there is any particularly noble language in the piece under review. the con- tary the captious may think that Mabel, telling her best-loved child to steal a shilling, accidentally left on the mantelpiece, in order that she may pay the cabman “more than his full fare,” open to question on the score of morality. But what of that? What does it matter? The Authors are not writing for sour-visaged Puritans but for good, sound-hearted, round-faced, honest Jonw Butt, and his rosy-cheeked wife, and his giggling, girlish, and gentle-eyed daughters. _Again it may not be altogether true to nature to make Major- General Sir Jouw AnencromsBy, K.C.B., dining at mess as the guest of Staff-Sergeant Tomxxys in full uniform after the latter’s regiment, but if there is to be no poetic licence, beer may as well be abandoned and skittles as a game whose rules are lost for ever in the dim realms of a distant obscurity! For what do we go to a play-house? Assuredly not for SHaksPzARE or the musical glasses, to say nothing of prunella! So long as the fare is sound at the core, what more can we want? And if the play of last night was not only improbable but impossible from the opening scene down to the end of the tag which was the signal for the lowering of the green baize curtain, surely the fact remains that the work was as sweet-scented as hay, and as homely as a bean feast or a barn-door fowl. Given this and what does the rest matter? As Othello observes, ‘‘ Not a jot, not a jot!” And the swarthy Moor of Venice was right. cottage in Stratford-on-Avon was never wiser, never § eer from cant and nonsense w he wrote “‘hold w mirror to nature to show vice her own i and virtue the habit in which she lives,” or words to like effect. ** Sweet WILLIE” was indeed a judge of the frailties of poor humanity! He knew that the flats must be “joined,” and the i the inspection of | man e t master who “thought him out” in the little | never | ) the | scenes painted with a ten-pound | brush. Rouge is a coarse pigment, but cheeks are pale without it under the fierce glare of the blue-hued _lime-light pe Again, . the hypercritical may declare that acting is a lost art, and assuredly they be ee agg | ogy = for their cross-grained ya abet atte 0 night. r. Avenue strutting stage a ing to the chandelier with outstretched arms is not exactly the om of hero we find in a modern drawing-room, nor is pretty Miss Haresfoot, in white muslin in a snow-storm the ideal heroine of nineteenth century romance. But what of that—both the lady and the gentleman are prime favourites with the Pit, and if the dwellers in the slumber, why then let it be more to their shame than to their glory! Out ws the querulous questioners of the likely and the commonplace ! t do we want with their h i murmurings ? long as the play is pleasant to the ‘and healthy to the understanding we can do without the app use of the reviewers and the hearty enthusiasm of the burners of midnight oil. In conclusion what could be better than the title of the drama / In selecting “‘ Siz-foot Rule Britannia,” our authors have shown a discrimination far above all praise. That it has whatever to do with the motive of the piece is a detail unworthy of criticism. No, let us rest and be thankfal. Let the play of night run a thousand nights—if possible longer. And when it becomes our pleasant duty to have to record its successor, may we be in a position to write a critique as valuable as that which with a hearty shake of the hand to concerned—authors, actors, managers, and scene- painters—we now bring to a genial and welcome conclusion ! THE GREAT UNKNOWN. Tue stern-faced resolute old man once more approached the Treasury. He had been there several times before, but on this oceasion there was a new Messenger at the entrance, and consequently there was a chance of his gaining admittance. ith some trepidation, he passed the h uestioned, and now he wae to io babe of whom he was in qu **T shall see him,” he murmured, “‘ and prove to an unbelieving world that he is not a myth.” Almost with a smile on his pale harsh features, he knocked at a door and entered. ** No,” said the clerk whom he had questioned ; “vou have come to the wro' lace. All we have to do is to look after the Divorce Division. We represent the Queen’s Proctor. If you want to intervene we will help you to do it, but we can’t go further than that.” ‘** But where shall I find him ?” asked the dis- tracted veteran. ‘* How should I know ?”’ answered the official, testily ; and he turned to some one else. Portrait of the Pub- Disheartened but unconquered, the aged wan- __ lic Prosecutor. derer uttered a sigh and recommenced his search. He entered a second room and made his customary apeteniion. aie “* Now, really,” said an official who was busily engaged in dis- cussing a plate of sandwiches and a glass of sherry, ‘it is several degrees too bad to worry a fellow at his lunch!” ** Surely you can tell me the name of your chief ?”’ “ The name of my chief is nothing to you,” was the brusque reply, “but I can tell you his office. He is Solicitor to the Treasury.” Baffled once again, the wandering greybeard retired to the streets, and sitting down beside a lamp-poe, uttered a series of piercing yells. “* This is disgraceful!” exclaimed a passer-by. ‘‘ This man is a nuisance. Constable, arrest him!” . , “* Very sorry, Sir, but I have not the power,” replied the police- ‘ Not have the power ! ” echoed the wrathful pavement promenader, and then he turned to the weeping white-head and observed to him, ‘“‘T have half a mind to take you before the Public Prosecutor.” ‘*Take me before the Public Prosecutor?” repeated the now radiant investigator. ‘‘ Pray, pray do!” ** You would not like it!” was stern commentary. ““Would not like it!” For a moment the ancient could not for emotion, and then he continued—*' Why, it would realise e dream of my life! But if you ay must be a cleverer man than I am, for Theve been hun for Publie Prosecutor for the last twenty years, without being able to find him.” , j ** Not find him ' Why here is his portrait!” And with this the good-natured -by ted the old man with the original picture, of which the sketch ornamenting this article is a rough, but not altogether unsuggestive copy ! Aynorner “G. O. M.” uo THe Frecp ror Gattant Litrie Wates.— Mr. Geer.”

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CHARITY BAZAARS. Things one has to put up with, in a good cause, ) le Sangrazul, “* Wit. vou TaAK® A SHARE IN THE RAFFLE FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL VASE ? AH, MY DEAR, IF IT WAS ONLY You as WAs GoING TO BE RAFFLED FOR, NOW, BLEST IF I WOULDN'T TAKE Forty!” ; ane, i a It’s possible while thinking her a tidy sort of craft HER MAJESTY’S SHIP “BLUNDERER. That on the whole, if going a cruise, you ’d just as soon be out of her. so, if her boilers prime a trifle, mates, why, what’s the odds, D'ye want to know the trimmest craft that might have sailed from Becos her engines and all that was put in second-hand ; port And if her steam-pipe ’s leaky, and she busts her piston-rods, — Ww en we went & mancuvring, mates, in Ei hteen-eighty-eight ;— Well, that’s the sort of thing, d’ye see, Lord Grorck can under- | { Warniag Dockyard Ditty, as Sung by Cheery Jack. \ regular tip-topper of Lord Gronrer’s special sort, _ stand, : Vith every dodge aboard of her to bring her up | And if it comes to firing of her guns: then you may swear to date ? Each un’ll start her breech and rings, and blow her blessed muzzle | Then listen as I tell ye first about her steady _ _ out; , . pace, ’Tain’t much. But going aboard of her? It ain’t that I don’t dare; | As proud she’d meet the Channel waves a But what's the use? And that’s the question, mates, I tries to slipping neatly under her puzzle out ! At near five knots an hour—not the speed to win a Morat. race ? _ _ . | So when these here manceuvres is all finished up and done, May be: but that’s the record of Her Majesty’s| And Admirals and Captains stop their little larking fight,' ship Blunderer. And the chaps who write for papers have helped to make the fun, oe ee eh And talked big of the “‘ Enemy,” who never came in sight, record that, — say, my mates, it wont take [+ may be that ‘‘ My Lords,” when taking stock of recent slips, - much to beat, rae : In duty to BrrraNwyia, since they take service under her, ; me os, ae enough it is to stir a lands- | way manage just to wipe out from their coming list of ships, till her pace is all that she cam manage, end the flest Such a racy roaring craft as Her Majesty’s ship Blunderer. lake precious care, when out with her, to give her a wide berth. —=—————eeeeoeeeeeo= For something in her steering-gear goes wrong, and then d’ye see “ DevourLy To BE WisHxp.”—All good men, and true friends of | She ter foul of another craft, whose bulwarks straightway Ireland, hope that the Irish leaders, by entirely clearing themselves we ; ’ from ali suspicion of complicity with crime, will prove that they are | She, after heavy loss and damage finally gets free, | ao | wn three starboard beats and all her gun-pette gaily members of an honest National, and not Assassi-National League. | crashing in. But, there, mates, they had built her five-and-twenty yearsago; |. THE first person (singular!) to hear of Mr. O’Ketty’s arrest was So first they let her out a bit, and then they took her in, Mr. Cuance. The Government, unable to give an answer when And cut her down, and patched her up, and made a sort of show questioned, heard of it subsequently quite by Caance. What a Of giving her another inch or two of iron skin. lucky Chance! And so, mates, taking stock of all her points both fore and aft, [her, ERT cee Although, d’ye see, it may be that you mightn’t have a dou bt of PerpervaL Motion ny Traralcar Sqvuare.—** Move on!”

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. THE LONDON CHARIVARL—

WANN . Sigua. ve ‘ os = ; 3 ; cr a 2 —— — i . : a ‘ ~ ad \\ \S - _—==

AN AFFAIR OF HONOUR. SETTLING THE DISTANCES

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| Avover 4, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LP RAHIEATIDSERROAE | iViiiwadid dd i mh OUR NATURAL ADVANTAGES. M. le Comte (who has come to London for the Season of 1888). ARE AFRAID OF THE CHANNEL TUNEL! QUELLE BRTISE! SILVARE STREAK’ ZAT PROTECT YOU FROM ZE INVASION, MES YOUR SACRED DOG OF A CLIMATE!” ‘An BAH! Vy, IT 18 NOT YouR Amis! SONG ON SOUTH AFRICA. THere is Ustperv, and there ’s Drvizviv To be King of the Kaffirs pretending ; And one more little war looms in prospect—what for ? Lives and money the Government spending ! Usrperv, Drvizvtv. Dusky antagonists, out upon you! And those pestilent Boers at our Colonists’ doors Are preparing to level the rifle. If in conflict they close, we shall pay through the nose, At a cost like to prove not a trifle. Ustperv, Dinizvvv, What bothers and Boers! To be taxed for you two! Tae Descent or Man,—by Parachute, out of Balloon, on Saturday last,—when “‘ Professor’’ BaLpwin accom- plished the ‘* sensation” of deseending from a Balloon at the Alexandra Palace, when one thousand feet high, ‘* with,”’ to quote the words of the scientific person’s Manager, “nothing but an umbrella to aid him in his deseent.”’ It is true that the ‘‘ umbrella” looked uncom- monly like an ordinary parachute, but for all that the leap seemed to be sufficiently dangerous to please the ees. The ‘* Professor” (it would be interesting to identify his University—did he graduate in Skye ’ claims to ‘drop from the clouds with ease, grace, an rapidity.”” No doubt at all-times he will be able to insure the third characteristic of his flight. On Saturday he apparently lost_hi pelleen. but he did not lose his life. It is to be hoped in e never will, although precedent is against him. In the event of his getting some day a drop too much, or rather too many, it will be important to learn whether the coroner’s jury will bring in a verdict of misadventure, suicide, or murder. In the event of the latter, the Authorities, who could have prevented the accident but would not, may, perhaps, figure as accessories before the fact! LamsetH Conrerence. — The Lawn-meets for the English and Coloxial Bishops were so frequent, that Bishops in partibus will now be known as Bleheps in garden-partibus, (N.B.—Especially when one omnibus took fourteen Colonials to one of these al fresco enter- tainments.) You Ir 18 PLAY TIME. THERE were to have been three Dr. Jekylls and Mr. Hydes in the field. One so far afield as the Croydon Theatre ; at least, so said the St. James’s Gazette young man last week. But in the meantime there have been injunctions and legal difficulties. Perhaps if the Law is satisfied there may yet be The Strange Story of Dr. Bayp- FIELD and Mr. MansMany, at the Lyceum Comique and Opera Lyceum. Regular muddle. It is long since the Opéra Ccnniaun bel something in keeping with its title. The last time was when Opéra Bouffe, with full orchestra, was played there; now there’s no Opéra Bouffe, but only a BAND-MANN. One piece doing first-rate business in town just now is, I should say, Mr. Pryero’s Sweet Larender, at Terry’s Theatre. And —— so. Capital part for Terry, who plays it admirably, though occasionally dropping into exaggeration of style which would be more suitable in burlesque. Mr. ALrrep Bisnop as the kind old Irish Doctor is a life-like portrait ; and so too is Mr. Branpram THomas’s well made-up picture of the old remorseful Colonel, who has been a bit of a dog and a good deal of a snob in his younger days. Miss CaRLoTTA ADDISON is the very ideal of the ‘‘lone and lorn one”— a still youthful Mrs. Gummadge—who lives to heap coals of fire on the head of her betrayer, or rather, to nurse him in his illness, and give him his gruel, which she does with a will, and gives it him hot. {iss Maup MILLET presents us with a pleasant sketch of the fresh young English girl, capitally contrasted with her second-class Yankee over—for as she is not quite the typical aristocratic English girl, so he is not by any means a type of the superior American,—while her Aunt is represented by that clever actress Miss Victor as an amusing specimen of a good-natured, vain, underbred middle-aged woman. The story—very interesting, and the plot well constructed, with one slight exception—seems to have been founded on the episode of Pendennis fal in love with Fanny Bolton, the daughter of a Temple porter. Dick Phenyl is a superior kind of Eccles ; but all the same is a sketch from real Nie: Miss Norreys as the heroine, is, of all ingénues, a great deal too ingenuous. She is THAacKERAY’s Fanny Bolton, only,—eonscious of an audience. So simple and innocent does she strive her best to appear, that, not knowing the story, I began to think she was a consummate little hypocrite, and that in the Second Act we should find she had been playing Sainte Nitouche, and should probably see her enjoying a champagne supper after the manner of the ‘pretty little souls” in 7he Pink Dominoes and other kindred pieces. By straining to emphasize her ‘‘ Sancta Simplicitas,” she suggests the idea of such “‘ an artless thing” as was Miss Becky Sharp on quitting school, The play, generally, suggests TaackeRay Theatricalised. The lover is uninteresting—lovers mostly are—and Mr. Prvero delights in making this commonplace young man, who is very much in love, drop into sham poetry, and talking to Dick Phenyl—of all persons! ahee ‘every beat of his heart — Lavender ”—*‘ every news- paper-boy crying Lavender,” &c., &c., and all that sort of thing, which no young man in real life, unless he were an affected, westhetic nincompoop, would ever dream of saying. When Tom Ropenrson gave us modern lovers on the stage he knew how valuable was the and how natural it was for an ordinary Society eeply in love to be uncommonly taciturn. But to talk a sort eloquence of silence young man when d ee Puree wants this sort of character to talk, an of Tennyson-and-water,—weak ‘‘T” in fact. These are trifles. The audience takes it for granted that lovers will talk nonsense, and though they do have their doubts as to the muine simplicity of Sweet Lavender herself, and do not look orward hopefully to the future domestic happiness of her husband, et on the whole they are thoroughly interested and return home per- feetly satisfied with having passed an exceptionally pleasant evening. Obvious. We must get Joun BuLx’s business out of this kink, Officialdom’s credit must soon be restored ; Or in Civil corruption the country will sink, And national honour will “ go by the Board.” Appropatate Dare yor THAT BLEssrne In THE GUISE OF AN Avrumwn Srssion.—The Fifth of November.

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PUNCH , OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveust 4, 1888. FANCY PORTRAITS. LSRARI a AS Pa ‘* GROCERIES.” “ The Right Hon \. J. Batrovr, M.P., and Sir Faepertcx Lereuton, P.R.A., were admitted to the Freedom of the Grocers’ Company, Wednesday, July 25th.” A SONG OF WILLOW. ut Lord's bg wthwre a th mi n two ft thle two-hours’ Th u nder a) “a emendous in the horrid Sea Suve, *‘ Willow”? Ay! wield The willow bat this wild, wet season, When, a sheer swamp, the cricket-field Is only fit to shake and sneeze on When smartest ‘‘ fielders” flop and plunge, When pluvial down-pour scarcely ceases ; W hen balls are pap, and pads are sponge, And * creases” simply water-creases / Say who can cut, or drive, or slog, On black and bladeless mud-morasses ” Or bow! on wickets like a bog rhat has been trampled by wild asses ? Not Grace himself nor WaLrer Reap, rhe sodden lead-like lump of leather May urge across a miry mead After a week of such June weather. sh of “838. But son who may We seek the field to funk and freeze, Oh, happy SHrewssury, Stoppart lucky, To be at the Antipodes Away from quagmires cold and mucky! This is no time for tent and sward, But warm fire-side or cosy pillow. Sing Willow? Bah! the cheeriest bard Could only sing the Weeping Willow! Ecciestasticat Art.—An appropriate ex- hibition that the Archbisho of CANTERBURY ought to have sent or taken Lis clerical guests to see, was the pictures of Parsons and ABBEY. Too late now, as last week was the last week of the show. YANKEE DOODLE IN A NEW CHARACTER. “ M. Ausert Wourr, of the Figaro, bewails in his last chronique the number of masterpieces of modern French Art which have been spirited across the ocean by the magic of the American dollar, What chance, when “turf” means sticky | and irretrievably lost to the country.”—St. James's slime Even for A. G. Steer or Lonmann ? How should ** the Champion” place or time With Jupiter Pluvius for foeman ? Slow wickets help the bowler? Yes! But love mud-swamps? No, that’s an error. There may be too much muck and mess F’en for ** the Tempter” or ‘‘ the Terror.” For topping score or brilliant catch, So bad a time I never saw, Sir; Fancy the Oxford-Cambridge match Running four days, and then a draw, Sir! Gazette. YANKEE DoopLe comes to town, And you may bet a “‘ pony” He’s game to plank his dollars down For Mriier or Moront. YankerE Doopie buys up Art As though ’twere cheap as candy ; But tho the dilletant: smart, The do come in handy. Yanxee Doop xe all our best In Art and Books will collar, Our M ieces lures out West | By the Almighty Dollar. The picture-dealers gladly part, The publishers say thankee! | Only poor friends of native Art Cuss “‘ that confounded Yankee !”’ Yankee Doopce cannot paint (So run the critics’ strictures) But—’tis enough to vex a saint! He buys up our best pictures. When twenty-thousand pounds he ’ll “* part,” (Like Boston’s rich RockKFELLER), For an immortal work of Art, ’Tis like to find a seller. Yankee Doopte he strikes oil, And then all Europe’s galleries The millionnaire proceeds to spoil Despite our and railleries, Well, Yankee Plutus has the pelf,— He makes “‘ collections,”’—swell them !— One day he’ll paint big thin himself, And then he’ li want to sell them!” THE GREAT ADVENTURER. Dear Mr. Ponca, Tuts is what has happened. She and I are really seriously attached to each other. She would make an adorable wife, and I’m sure I’m designed for domestic happiness, as I’m always falling in love, which is quite beastly. it keeps me continually miserable : first, when the girls don’t care for me, an secondly, when they do. Boere (I call her Bogie use she has such beautiful red hair) is a perfect girl, and we should cer- tain y be very happy, but when, in the most ntlemanly way, told her father about it, e asked me a lot of impertinent questions about my income, which was really in the worst possible taste, as he knows very well that I haven’t any. However, I’ve written a poem, which, if not entirely original, is adapted to circumstances with some skill, and I think you will own that, even if it doesn’t sean, it is quite true. The Re ple who review books are always asking Why are there so many Minor Poets? | I can tell them one reason. It’s because | there are so many sordid fathers of the only |girl a fellow ever really loves. He hinted something about an adventurer—like a man |in a farce at a Matinée—so I call my . | Love the Adventurer (only, andestenatele, he doesn’t). Here, however, is the effort :— LOVE THE ADVENTURER. When Love seeks a business-man’s daughter, His hopes he will dash By asking how he means to support her Without any cash : The hat that is sat on You may have it blocked next day, But when the old man tries that on Love must get out of the way. You may warble love-songs in an agreeable baritone, i You may wear small gloves of a mild canary- You may write for the papers, tone Or have evolved the plot of a really new and original play ; But you ’ll only lose love’s labours ; You can’t make him see things your way. You may train the eagle To stoop to your fist ; ’ (Though it’s quite another thing to inveigle The creature to desist.) You may move (with a crowbar) e Lioness to give o’er her prey ; But there is really no bar To the inquisitiveness of a proposed Father- in-law, in the matter of prospects and pay. Yours, in depressed cireumstances, Lovetace LAcKLAND.

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Aveust 4, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL OUR JAPANNERIES. No. 9. AT THE ‘‘ TIMES v. CRIMES”’ l. j Mrerreo fasming / Qn0e >A-r = Ni DEBATE IN THE COMMONS. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, July 23.—Sir Parner with ones wn, walking about Lobby, waiting for Oro Moxauiry. an mn ort matty st yinking Sir Passeia-” Gocond Resding of hiss Oppo of pi ir PARNELL. D ing 0 Commission Bill expected on any moment. ing first made for | Debate on affairs mm Zululand. Last week, Oppésition trembling Parnell Commission Bill. Same old speech. Desire to consult the with indignation because opportunity for discussing Ziseru v. Dixt- zuLu refused. Got it now, and all charm vanished. House nearly empty; Debate flickering out; likely to lapse before dinner-hour. So Sir Parweit paces the Lobby, his sword more than ever drawn ; Otp Moraxity sits on Front Bench, and wonders what they’re having for dinner at Grosvenor Place ; GLiapstowe hurries back after what must have been a Barmecide feast; names of Zrmeru and Drsizvutv float through hazy atmosphere; everyone thinking of matters nearer home. Zulu Debate dies out. Op Moratiry moves Second Reading of

Page 14

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Aveust 4, 1888,

he nterest of Members, and welfare of the country; deeply regretted and deplored; did not desire to utter a single ex- | trusted and believed; command full confidence and esteem ; the advantage of the country; the nee of the House. Moratity sat down, suffused with ral rectitude, and wondering whether he might not now slip out to dinner. PaRNwE.y, pale and passionate, rushed straight upon | m, “like Boutanerr upon Frocky,” as losern Gris said. Maintained himself at white heat of passion through long speech ; coasionall y turned aside from OLD MoRALITY to Arromwey-GeweraL. Irish Members cheered every thrust ; save for Irish quarter, House still comparatively empty. “All of them comfortably getting their dinner,” said Orp Morariry with a weary sigh, glancing round empty benches. | After dinner House rapidly filled up. | Eleven o’clock not a seat to be had; side- | galleries crowded ; Peers’ Gallery thronged ; | Coantes Russet. thumping away at his | learned friend the Home Sercrerary ; Epwarp Crarke followed on other side; Sage of Queen Anne’s Gate said what was necessary to carry debate over. A curious, awkward, ill-managed arrangement of busi- which served nobody's purpose and ssitated appropriation ef another night. Parnell Commission Bill ness, nece Business done. discussed. < Tuesday.—Black Rod at his jokes again. funny at first, butatrifle monotonous; rather pelle upon House towards end of Session. Joke is to hang about door till Commons get into thick of business ; then send in doorkeeper to bellow ‘‘ Black Rod!” Began the Session with tripping up a Minister. Fastened now on Sage of Queen Anne’s Gate. Came in upon him the other night when putting a question. To-night Sage just launched forth in tis indictment of ATTORNEY- Genera re O’DoNNELL versus Times, when Black Rod appeared. Business peremptorily interrupted; Speaker and Mace go off to Lords to see Lonp CHANCELLOR and other old women in cloaks bow- wowing on Woolsack. Black Rod introduced new piece of business to-night. Sent door- keeper in to bawl ‘* Black Rod!” just as House was loudly cheering Sage. Doorkeeper’s shout consequently drowned in uproar. Nobody heard it. Black Rod entered ractically unannounced. Sage, with his back to the door didn’t see him enter. Proceeded with remarks. “Order! order!” cried the Speaker, who had spotted Black Rod. ‘* Well, Sir,” said Sage, apolo- . getically, ‘‘I was only desiring | to point out-——”’ “Order! order!” shouted the SPEAKER. — Certainly, Sir, I will bow to your decision, though I really don’t know——”’ | “Order! order!” roared the Speaker, with his eye on Black Rod advancing towards the table. Sage, looking round in bewil- derment, at this fresh exhibi- | tion of SpekakeER’s interference with freedom of speech, caught | sight of Black Red. His jaw | fell, eyes assumed glassy stare dropped into seat as if he had been shot. ** Life would be endurable only for its Peers,” he said, when he recov presence of mind. ‘The Lords pursue me even in the House of Commons.” PP = = thing,” said Black , winking at t-at- Arms, as they crossed Lobby in procession. ‘Always find Laxey on his feet when I chance to look in at Commons.” Parnell Commission Bill de- bated CHAMBERLADY

Sir Parnell.

heard now, arrived just in time to speak. A model speech, full of point through its forty minutes, saying exactly what he had at heart in clearest , and with irresistible force. Whether one agrees | with him or not, an intellectual delight to listen. y the \

|

| on. | |

| like Queen’s em on opening Parliament in

best debater in House. Not an orator like Giapstoye, but stil] unapproachable as a debater. Fancy CHAMBERLAIN profits by recent infrequency of his speeches in House. Have time and opportunity to compare him with more familiar speakers. Remember what he said in far off June days at Birmingham? Was it fifty years ago, or only three ? :— ““T sometimes think that great men are like great mountains, and that we do not appreciate their mages while we are still close to them. You have to go to a distance to see whieh peak it is that towers above its fellows ; and it may be that we shall have to put between us and Mr. GLADSTONE a space of time before we shall know how much greater he has been than any of his competitors for fame and power.” Similarly, but not precisely, the conditions under which Cuamserr- LAIN now occasionally speaks in House give. opportunity for appre- ciating his quite unique position asa debater. All night long, all through the weary week, men make speeches round about a subject. Then CHAMBERLAIN comes in and talks. As PLUNKET says, “A wonderful difference between a man who has a speech to make, and a man who has something to say.” Business done.—Parnell Commission Bill read Second Time. “Demme!” says Markiss 0” xton ’s put spoke in wheel of

T hursday.— Gransy, “* Bu Black Rod.” Simile perhaps not quite perfect, but de- scription fairly accurate. Buxton asked how long we’re to have Black Rod bursting in on House like a venerable catapult? OLp Moratiry says he’s been talking matter over with Lorp Cuancettor. Arranged that sug- gestion made by his Hon. Friend Tony, M.P. a fortnight ago, shall be adopted. Black Rod to do his bursting in before public business commences in Commons. This, of course, takes all the fun out of the thing. Not be worth while turning up now if he can’t interrupt a Minister answering question, or intercept the storied wisdom distilled from lips of Sage of Queen Anne’s Gate. 4 ‘‘ Another of our treasured institutions gone,” says CavENDISH Bentinck. ‘‘Soon will have nothing left worth living for.” Batrovur had four bad quarters of an hour at Question Time. Irish Members bubbling up all round him, snapping out interrogatories. BaLrour took them all round—one down another come Imperturbable throughout, only an added hardness of manner, a degree The Markiss o’ Granby. | or two more frost in his tones, indicating severity of contest. Op Morawity announced arrangements for winding up first part of Session. Expects House to be up on 11th of August. To that end proposes programme which, if carried out, would keep House at work till Christmas. Programme in point of magnitude much more i ebruary than sug- gestions of Leader of House closing up tracks at end of July. “*Tt’s all right, you'll see,” said OLp Moratrry. ‘*‘ Remember in younger days, when I was still attendant at a seminary, we used, for the perfection of our style of ealigraphy, carefully to copy out re- marks lithographed at the top of a ruled page. One of these, I remember, ran to the effect, Throw of mud, and some of it will, in all human probability, adhere. t’s the principle upon which, animated as I am bya desire to meet the convenience of Hon. Members, and conserve the interests of the public service, I lay before the House this somewhat extended programme. We shall not got Gucuge with it all; but we shall emerge having achieved more n if we essayed to do less. other words, as we used to write in the days already alluded to, Jf you aim at the stars, you may succeed in sending a stone through the windows of the second-pair Business done.—Report Stage of the Local Government Bill. Friday.—Local Government Bill through final e in Commons. Four Peers, representing Upper House, playing whist since Seven o’Clock, waiting for Bill. Stout and long pipes supplied out of Civil Service Estimates. Half-an-hour after midnight word came Bill was through Commons, and compliments going on all round. Four Peers put away cards, finished stout, presented attendants with broken pipes, and marched into Lords. e took a seat in front of Woolsack, and presided, three others poe themselves as much as ible about Chamber, and formed a House. Bill, solemnly brought in, ordered to be read a First Time. House adjourned. J ‘* Have another rubber?” said Noble Lord, wae ee cel, A “Think not. Getting late. Besides, we have the stout. So they went home. ; o£ Business done.—Local Government Bill read Third Time im

— Commons, and First Time in Lords.

} NOTICE.—Rejccted Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will im mo case be returned, nct even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. there will be no exception. To this rule

Page 15

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Page 16

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