Punch 1888-04-14: Vol 94 Iss 2440

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Arnut. 14, 1888] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE ODD-EYED ONE. A Story of a District Surveyer. Ty Or one Ezexret SmirH I have a tale to tell ; A man of parts we pith; I knew well, No man was more alert, Or talkier, or gayer, Of Deepdene-in-the- District Surveyor. EzeExr&t had two eyes One blue, the other brown, One seemed to scan the skies, And one looked down. A curious kind of squint! And of these optics twain, One read the sm ‘a print Without a strain! The other had the range Of a race-glass, but close Saw nothi "(which was strange) Beneath his nose. “ioe EzexreL — and surv —- Ani d it passing Ww Or so men said Local Authorities Are men of nerve and p The man ef the odd — Satisfied them. A humorist, his name ‘Was Peter Burt. He very soon made friends in ated: round. © spends— An ee found. He had a genial face Inclining men to chat, He soon had all by place Beneath his ha One day he gave a feed. Churehwarden Micwakt Port Said, ‘‘ This ’ere chap indeed Well knows wot’s wot.” ** An excellent repast ! ”’ Said Mr. Roacu, the Rector. ** A 1,” said Lzmver Last, Nuisance Inspector, As for the Odd-Eyed One, He, with as i Fogger twas nea e health of Bens He, to peach, Sale necks 1 ie 1 It is my glory | ¢ speech. y done— c... ‘to make a ‘** Nature has wondrous wa In her all wit ’s embodied, He said, and fixed his gaze Upo m the Odd-Eyed. “* A man is not a fly, Or so says Mr. Sly (Whose poems, by - bye, You read, I ght “* But Nature can SE Man’s vision to his need, (You, all of you, I trust, Your Darwin read,) “ You possibly might think That man an optic ninn Who could not see—that And cou/d—this —s (He pointed to the door ereon a yawning crack an inch, or more, irieon track. ) ™~! nn ine Seized, ceedingly eon So with the a who lived Upon Ground Rent. The tenants only—such Are tenants did not smile. They murmured very much, And all the while. said the drains would smell, a said the floors'would creak, They said the doors would swell, The roofs would leak. They are a cross-grained lot, Aretenants. Suirn, much bored, Pooh pooh dtheirpaints as" ot, si Their woes ignored. At lastatenantcame To Deepdene-in-the-Dirt, "Ol eats eongeal rae Teed pete lessen one’s A ’T would seem lees strange. ** An eagle orb a (Unbiinkered by a a fo) To plaster Veudtcae “* A wall not underpinned, Foundations of foul slime, Sueh eye is sure to find, In proper time. The J Teeny? y= gama Be ,my worthy siento, Will join the bat and | —_ To wondrous WET dhetee apkinn ‘*T know a man——but stay! Ezexre1. My dear , wall.” What ¢s the matter. You don’t look This broke up Burt's Big Feed, His guests did flit. Ezexret “ eame pound”, Hie leith he oiveutwe found, wa Recninele change. . Hig wee aot Ines eves Ande ite new Be = its new or Is Peter Burt. ~ **Muek-mortar, crumbli Res fetid noo 0g not lo: long or quick fay overloo “Whilst it, perchance, perceives The fee which—unawares— AUSTRALIA VICTRIX. Po. is starting its ey with a Hine.o8-Seh ship, wine a and torpedo craft. Very a 1 More to her elbow—also her Mel~ will in the future have a sort of bourne | Hogland pcm od Perhaps a ote. Serna weet, if wo havo any, we shall be aided by an Australian na mel oman, well one—only can a thing which exists be of the eet. try to vie with Visteclo- Qeneadad wt try to Pewee Baw Federation is the thing—to prevent the different Australian Colonies from being at Southern Cross-purposes when they all have their own navies. The Cry of the Connoisseur. I tree a good Jan Van Beers, I do, I’m partial to true Jan Van Beers; Dat aaee ‘fy oy that his pictures in hosta, sign alet an ** ghosts,’ T ery out on false Jan Van Beers! == Pg ps Sweet.—Maz. Poveno, the clever author of Sweet Laven- omenin, in a letter to Mr. Mor Txomas, who commands the Dekly Theatrical Column, that our contributor, Nasty Ong,” has found a fault with his Sve nef use Mr. r. TERRY, asa Barrister, robes in his Chambers in Se and wears his or “‘ band” (as Mr. PrvEne prefers to call “Beng: over his . PovERo ests that now = Law Courts are moved from Westminster to Strand’ all the Chancery men ye ~ in Chambers, and only 8 ee Comme Law men use the robing-room. Mr. Povero is Long before Westminster (qué Law Courts) was abolished, the Equity men, having to in Lineoln’s Inn, robed in their Chambers, bed he vat ority of the Common Law men on the active list then, as now, their ‘wigs and gowns of Justice. But this is a small matter. Surely, ” adds our genial contributor, himself rare aay Om . Povzro should Ww ae to “* a, capital Ounce iD soa th little re-arrangement to become practically Perrine at Perry fwood Magistrates must bs amu to the 2 om oT Chronicle, the Brentwood tes must few days’ since a labourer was gn ogined gy Messrs. Pxrre (in the chair), Inp, ‘and. stealing six of f, an porary, the of beta diana, To aut euro the Chairman g him to be more 1 in the future.” No doubt, in " Satgested eooma” Sy daciein ES ee Ep eee, Chairman ‘po ** Not guilty, but don’t do it again.” From his proneness people up Tmieht be thought that the full name of the should be Salt Pzrre, were it not evident that Simple Prrzex or Peres Simple would be equally appropriate. VOL XOrv.

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. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Aram 14, 1888, A RESPONSIBILITY. *On—sa—I’m cornea To A Fancy Batt as DAwy, you kKNow. WHAT KIND , oF MATERIAL WOULD You suGGEsT FoR A Gown?’ TO OUR VOLUNTEERS. “* Form, form, Riflemen, form ! Form, and prepare to protct your Quzex!” im ite of stinginess, snub, and official rebuke, = !—It’s your duty to Country and Queen, But if you seek aid from a great Koyal Dake, BA 730 must be jolly green ! 0, pack up the tent : Fe fight the eocwlon yen connet fight Rene! A VOICE FROM PATNA. ** Justice to”—no, not Ireland, though there is a Pat in Patna—but ae Suuties to Mr. TAYLER, of ‘toh every Englishman must ee | of the The Times, in the course of a the case clearly last Friday, told u and Mr. Punch trusts that the present Government lose no time in giving us a splendid illustration of “ Sartor Resartus.” A REMINISCENCE. CuaMPaGNE GoscHEN is my name! CHAMPAGNE GOSCHEN is my name! Good for any sort of tax, dear Put it on to wheels and pleasure backs my boys. CHamMPaGne GoscHEN is my name Beautiful to look on is my game! Good for Cr of tax, my boys! Oh, that’ little game of Joxm’ G. ! “Happy Rerorns.”—Mr. Henny Irvine and Miss Exten Terry rea) soeupese op Catunsee St ot Se They have come in excellent heal! Mine Bra ee heis ara el ale dollarous. Miss stories about all he of America. In fact she is quit ¢ new edition of Backwoods Misselleny. === MADAME LA REPUBLIQUE. (Imitated, at @ respectful distance, from Owen Meredith's *‘ Madame La Marquise.” ) = — of a short-skirted my ey Ai over her chaise-longue, on As she lounges in orous loveliness, With a smile—and_a frown—for all. On her petulant face there’s a boding shade, As her P. cap in the air she flings. ~ is sbedly a home wth herself, I’m afraid : ht sparkle her rings. aoe wa awit fire in her Pom The long, sleepy: soft silken lashes b-thread lips, stirred to pettish replies, the gleam of white tigerish teeth. aa she lo es! your ae am So Dae Se her bene ‘subdued, Droops—from under the Ti aiehe The neatest of feet, sabot-slipper’d, pmb Till one shoe she flings off—as in spite. As one bends o’er her bosom to tell her the news, A moue mutine she makes; she is charmingly chic. Bat what, had she really the power to choose, She would fix upon, vainly you ’ll seek. So she sits in the fire’s suite -Sienes eet, With a flickering smile, like Spring sunshine on flowers ; iat to death, you would say, weary quite Of life and its pleasures and powers. What next? What new amant or mode may she try P What fashion for her has a permanent charm ? our eyes The le, the tricolor? Peace will she cry Gucome a t the summons to arm? ? Attractive she is to the coldest beholder, A beauty to fascinate even her foes ; But that fidgety foot, and that petulant shoulder, Speak much more of pique than repose. For a sunlight some swear she is made, To lo —_, ne with insolent smile ; Yet fanatics of servants of trade Have vate wooed—for a while. Can you find out her heart through that silk or that lace ? You have seen her in every description of dress ; She’ll show Amazon bosom, or Bace face, But what her heart ’s like can you guess ? She has tried every man, every mode in her world, Soft Imperial red ips Republican passion ; Still her weary red lips are with discontent curled ; Is she thinking of changing the fashion ? She is fair !—but, when preci she yearns to taste blood ; She is sweet—but there ’s flame in her Lamia kiss. Will Mars or will Meonad next master her mood P—— Is it worth while to guess at all this ? Tae Grammar oF Dissent.—The Scotch Professor—there is only one, and his name is Buacxre —has broken out ; this fime Sad cxnthing™ woe tal qoieene—ahoe b Eden an eames is qui ~ # worth thousands who have risen—risen from a aheve, Luxptex Murray. The Professor doesn’t believe dently Dr. Biackre is ey who would prefer in soul.” This is pa spirited. Evi- grandly contradi sort of personage the “three are note” to the ** R’s,’

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Apnit 14, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI 171 MOST IMPORTANT; OR, HOW WE INTERVIEW NOW. (Despatch from our Extra-Special High-Pres- sure Correspondent.) Paris, April 1. I am writing this, hurriedly, in a dark and draughty corner of General Bouran- GER’s corridor. I am writing it on a pecu- liar page—I may say a of history. In other words, one of the eral’s pages, a ee Ay wn in walioas, 7 Poon J a or upon which I write, as ona table. Should this MS. be diffi decipher, you will understand that it is oa peeve back is not so steady as it might be. It is, in fact, queerly convulsed at 1 intervals, almost as though the little Hebrew in buttons were laughing at me! ans Somme, comet Dot The General receives in single file, as though his interviewers were Casuals, or applicants at a Soup Kitchen. To each visitor he accords a special téte-a-téte. But with those he receives first he converses for a longer period than with others. I was not among those he received first. When I passed into the salon, I found the General al arg looking at a lot of hotographs mself. His motto is evi- ently Nosce tei sum. His back was turned towards me as I entered. He did not anes his position while I remained. He simply glanced over his left shoulder at me now and again, almost with “nage His back “that is my affair. It is a t principle on which I a That may or may require my presence. go, I go. Otherwise, not.’ i bowed my thanks for this important ee, Tey 4, ask you to ea principle pursu ** He who can ri wg tx y and define, is a god,” said the eral, meme: “Some Greek philosopher said so, did he tN Gé ee y ed, deprecating] “ n ori :. , **the people are of a different opinion. rt: least you are an idol. Anyhow, can you give me your idea of Revision’? ”’ (With explosive animation.) ‘That is my secret. I keep it to myself. Don’t you wish 7 may it P” Again I thanked him with effusion for his exceeding candour, The General seemed more interested in the toe of his boot than in me. I hoped there was no connection in his mind between the two subjects. But, from Fs motives, I backed nearer to the door, I ed. “Can you at least tell me if you con- template abolition of the or any in the constitution of that ww **T am constitutionally contemplative,” he replied, looking at his plain honest eois face in a mirror. “ Make what you can of that. I can’t tell you any “Pardon me, M. le Général, if I say that military, I am sure—reminds me of Mr. Gtapstonz when people try to draw him | th with regard to Home mle plans. He says he won’t be ¥ ° led into a trap. “The Old Parliamentary Hand is right,” said the General. ‘I’m only a Yone Parliamentary Hand, but won’t pla’ the political palmist with ma, Iean tell you. DNA aly “oe SER ~ BISMARCK FORBIDS THE BANNS! I’m not going to gi yself away” (with ing animation, and swinging his right foot almost excited nt Why should I 9 If SS tedaee our p they i i unrid: Pewhen. the tne they are T shall dle them m can. If I claimed to be the Saviour of are before comes. I prefer to play — to myown Sphinx. I’ve already put my policy into a nutshell, which let them crack i ty I should ready for that réle I should be a fool.” sai be a madman; if I didn’t make phic, dI. ‘* And now, as to the state of the Army, Général?” ** Subject tabooed ! ” said the General, curtly. ‘* Besides, I’m a ci ian now, = know.” ree “*Ononly the retired list, M. le Général,” said I, with native archness. ‘' Free to pla the Gamserrta in Politics ; free also, at a military crisis, to play the NaPotxon in the eld. your attitude—a very fine one, and most I think there.” ink you’ve scored twice there. ‘**Got ’em both,” said the General, epigrammatically, looking at a comic billiard-sketch on e wall. “* And meanwhile, M. le Général,” said I, insinuatingly, ‘‘ what shall you do?” sags oS eewas ee eek shall wait. You needn't,” he added, with emphasis, or turning towards me, w first time, right foot foremost.——I didn’t | ELemMentTary Teacuenrs.—Bitter Easterly winds, Blackthorn winter, cold, frost, snow, and hailstorms, sleet, cyclones, and blizzards.

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172 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[Aram 14, 1888,

MR. PUNCH’S VERY QUEER STORIES. PROFESSOR GUINEAFAT’S FIRST LECTURE. leasant and select party that was assembled at the occasion was a remarkable one. Professor Sams me in Ir was a Shambles.

pews sgn, i i he Banjo Man in the entertainment, foresaw were properly utilised, they might be made to subserve how, if these purposes of educational advancement. Nor was the agent di pointed. Samso Gurwearat rapidly distinguished ai hares I securing a Triple First at Durham, in a very short time attracted the notice of older University. The Chair of Phlebotomy fell vacant. The authorities offered it to him. it wi alacrity, and was installed forthwith. So Sampo Gurwgarat, M.A., filled the Oxford Chair, and as Sir Curver and Lady Sutvers introduced him to the select circle assembled to meet him in the great drawing-room at the Shambles, and they surveyed his dignified bearing, his faultless black sui gold eye-glasses, y-brushed hair, and general prof i completeness, they could — but admit that, colour, he was as real a Don as any who at that moment segpenes So hoguaanny the High Street of the great University wn itself. “You will take Miss Frrre in to dinner, Professor,” remarked Lady Sutvers, with an arch smile. The Professor, who was discussing some abstruse theories of evolution with a scientific celebrity, gave a public taste. cial restrain‘ aoeene doubt ; mage. | closes to-night,” she added, with an inconsequent little Then the conversation once more became general. in it. Hesatin his seat as one th if with some resistless inward reflection that can, we, Oe eee his ear and ot ist, fantastic extra unrestrained and “hog 1 hee ulkbury. ttraction within had pale lady, with pn Eee

are hear the Fair Tha Bstessor, understruck, dashing ditches, copses, and y-elected Oxford pm e, jin breathless haste, booth, the crowded approaches tly Then he seemed fairly At a call from the

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Aram, 14, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

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new recruit. At eleven oclock*the Town Hall was packed with an | designing Kart, the executors (of the Wiis), L. and H, Naruan expectant wneng, bus She Professor did not put in an costumiers, COLLIVSON AND Lock the : Kart There was searc reluctantl: compelled. become ma ‘audience had sulkily to And so.ended what sh Lecture. It’s very awkward,” they appearance. c and inquiry for him, but the Committee were sine Be Seeing - ears, Se fret ig and i t they “‘did not know what had | the Machinist, Mr. Wates,—“‘ gallant little Wanzs,”—should gen Fam said and the have heen sunpspaned Senuee She costal, Se steeieo me tions have been Professor Gumvmarat’s First| Rarel:

THE HAYMARKET POMP-ADORERS. trimming worn by tt struggling for existence, the Brookfield- Voltaire, Diderot-Vo uate, plaintive air trying few s However, if this but the result of a compromise between Messrs. Witis and Grumpy. | The Compromise—there can Mr, Bezxsonm Taxe cannot be too heartily ted on his} be none as to the durability m.. treatment of this Compromise | of the

Colley-Cibber-Voltaire-Brookfield. vourite with . + Ci yr A igh} character), wan pers ° work also Feed a fake Gon @ anne or other at a striking tableau at the end of each Act. yg ge eh ; it over, there came a knock at the| the Run of Luck at Drury Lane), is 7... ARR i Hayniarket, and Com-rns Cane did. In a second this astute ex-|the cheaper parts of th or saw what to do with The Compromise, and | might have been who were to be the real colla’ Some

to bloom alone in the Third Act, and a/ an of, Mr. Hamiuton CLaRxke’s melodramatic orchestration. |and should be any is description be deemed uate, then I should | doubt in Mr. Trxx’s mind as call this piece of powder and patchwork not an ect of collaboration, to the i ing his visit to he prob- | absence of Mr. Frep ably heard told Banya ef te what Lord

membered as always welcome when- | of ever (which used to be a

>. > ~ rr. ee __) pS <= : a yD AS ch

re eo Er sri + (in perfect pre- “ A faithful picture of the manners of a period in French History ’’ as presented on the stage of the Haymarket. ire, and Grimm-aldi-Allan, one | materials are the remains extinct Opéra Bouffe, jokes,—one of them at all/ would intentionally suggest events older even than Vol-/| any comparison between the TarRE himself, into whose /| tworeceptacles,—let him en- mouth it is put, and which, | gage ArTraur Roperts, in the on to| Grin-gotre ce when the latter spoke | FLoxence "Sr. Jounw for le,” and which, perhaps, Messrs. | Opéra Bouffe would ran “it ILLS AND GRUNDY may have re-| might be for years, it might be for ever!/’ 2 os fe Tea lene nore 2 ware the play of Charles the Second |the song ite | Mrs, Traxx in the Third Act. en ‘ = “the F The Queen of France and as ‘‘the Father of his| Za Plumpadour, the merry a an a2 Breve Taont pathetially warbled by not Vollaire, Fifteenth’s court, as = shown at Haymarket, are to be t 4X) Bouffe monarch, Louis-Ashley-the-Fifteenth | taken as seriousl ing history. But I don’t believe it ri vaaterlale of a tome tals ealled | does: Tam ail inued. to my ft expressed opinions, that these 1 phil JACK-IN-THE-Box, -

ed the humorous Lessee of the eee Oe oe the dearer borators were summoned. To work | course sure to look after their own stalls and boxes!” He descent of the curtain on the premiere, all the | ‘‘ You may well eall it Drury Lane, Y Tere and Jommsrons, scene-painters, the ' in my hfe!”

peated eae

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THE WORST OF BEING TOO FUNNY. Cheekstone (who is of a decidedly hwmorous turn). ‘‘I say, OLD MAN, THAT W4S A STUCK-UP SET OF Prics aT OLD Brown’s LAST wienT! By Jovz, THowaH—I pip MANAGE TO SCORE OFF THEM A BIT, EH?” Host (his fervent admirer), ‘‘I pgureve you, My Bor! TuHsy ALL SAID WHAT A BEASTLY LITTLE CAD YOU WERE, WHEN YOU ’D eons. AND IF YOU'D HAVE STOPPED Five MINUTES LATER, YOU'D HAVE HAD A REGULAR TrivuMPH—FOR OLD Brown WAS GOING To Kick rev Dewy Srams!/”

MY PLAY. S1ax,—Having for some time past been devoting the whole of my time to the writing of a work intended for uction on the stage it is, I confess with some chagrin and no little astonishment, that I find I am unable to meet with a single Manager who .is wi ing to accept it. And what makes this reluctance the more remarkable is the testimony borne almost universally to the excellence of my play y the leading Actors and Managers to whom I have submitted it. ou can see from the following specimens which I subjoin, with what a general chorus of welcome and approval they have hailed my work. If, after reading these <y ~ able to furnish me with any explana- tion to account for the that I have not only not been set upon on all sides with a view to the production of my piece, but have rot even had one single application calculated to lead to ~ negotiation about the affair wi , 1 need scarcely add I shall be glad to receive it. 1 herewith also enclose the plot in full, as I think it may interest you.” Begging your attentive perusal of the highly flattering opinions of my work which I a d , 1 desire to su be myself, Your much-surprised and disappointed correspondent, Ben-BrInsLey SHAKSPEARE, **T have read yous plane, and have been quite carried away by it. The writing is magnificent. What a part, too, is that Policeman’s!” —Witson Barrett. “A fine play. You ought to meet with no difficulty in finding some one y to build you a theatre to produce it.”—Hznry NEVILLE. “Subtle, majestic, and immensely humorous. If it were not ‘for that procession of elephants in the Seventh Act, I might have looked the part of that Arabian thimble-rigging fellow myself.”—J. L. OLE, * We have purposely omitted this, not wishing to discount the delight that the Public will p robably feel on seeing the play when it is produeed.— Eb.

** Your five heroines are charming. I should like to play them all.”—Mapez Kenpat. 7 **T never read such a piece in my life, Take my advice—write another.”—Witiie Epovr. “The character of the Doge is grandly conceived, and his death in o hydraulic machine ingenious. I congratulate you.””—BEERBOHM ‘REE. “A fine play. You certainly ought to bring any house down.’ 1 ie ee clan Cea too OE piacere P 98 catching. with a roar.’’—Nxtire Farrey. 83 Fall, of rich tragic seater. It has greatly impressed me.” — Wruuum Rienoxp. ‘* First-rate; and what a chance for a clown in the last three gy tes. A That cataract seene alone ought to ye ive. seene it through.” —Hzwry Kemsie. me oe ** Strong in situation, terse in diction, and eminently dramatic, it ought to make the fortunes of half-a-dozen Managers. I regret, however, I can not produce it at the Lyeeum.”—Hzwry Invine. ‘An excellent play. Altogether a very high-class piece of work. hase ano Sento © BERT AA. I am afraid, though, it is not suited to our requirements.”—W. H. Kznpat. ‘“*A tip-top Drama, the takings of which, I should say, would be tremendous. I am sorry, though, I can’t see my way to putting it up at Drury Lane.” —Avevustus ** Re-written, reconsidered, and reconstructed, it ought to cut up into at least five Comic Operas. I enjoyed it much.”—Cant Rosa. ** Offers a great and unique Why not take a theatre, and produce ears I see you on the subject. There’s a part in it which, worked up a bit, might suit me.”—Grpert Far- QUHAR. can write. Your dialogue alone —AnrtTHUR CECIL. ey a pe VENN.

Mr. Goscuun’s Home-Rvutz Poricy.—His Plan of Champagne.

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Arar, 14, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 177 —C 1S) = Wales > —alay ee —-~ Bs —SAWBWN ey ATS AF = LATEST FROM ABYSSINIA. ‘Tue Neaus HAS RETIRED INTO THE INTERIOR.” . CHAMBERLAIN TO THE CAUCUS, let hele te rt » cy That it should dare, out of spleen, Not to do an: work that Y insixt on? "ee tae et tig At its pe a 1 I’m really riled, somebody will have to take a licking, Is the Caucusian indeed played out ? Nay, boys of Brummagem, they shall not baulk us, I’ll boss a new Machine, Unionists shout :— **The Caucus (then) is dead ; long live—the Caucus |” NOT OUT OF THE WOOD. (A Page from an Anti- Whine Diary.) 10 a.m.—As a Member of the Society to Watch Inebriates, I acce an invitation to lunch oe | i who is a well-known habi Bs The Wat at Sack "eat an , own my observations under the table. ; 11 a.m.— Have just sat down to breakfast CLARENCE. He is as sober asa jndge. We commenced a-piece. So far from us. getting into our heads, it 11°30.—Still quite right. CLARENCE most amusing. We have ing various clarets, but without feeling the lightest—I mean sligh' effects. good stuff. sort of bad ’fect—I mean ef-fect—thoug why shouldn’t call ’fect—don’t know. 1 p.m.—Watching Lusx carefully. We both taken ae FN aaa ie lot of wine. But whaterthat? What- 2.—I’m happy—no, mean, ver ! thish note unner table. Watched carefully. You ’re = sober. You're sober as I am. id ’sperment. —going ’shleep. New Reapine or SHaxspeare, Sucexsrep sy Mr, GoscuEen’s Conversion Scueme.—‘‘ When shall we Threes meet again P” MOT BY M. CLEMENCEAU. DisHep, by a mediocrity! Great Heaven! M&LrinE is , 1’m but forty-seven! ** Youth will be served,” the athletes say. No doubt! But in my case, alas! youth is served—out ! SHOOTING NIAGARA. Ir appears that on a recent occasion the crowds thronging to see POTEAUX’S famous picture of ‘‘ Niagara’’ were so excessive, and on bei to by the authorities to ‘‘ circulate,” so abso- lutely disinclined to budge a single inch, that order had to be restored by the intervention of the Police, who finally established it by clear- ing the entire building. With a view, however, to dealing wit further possible invasions, likely to result from the growing attrac- ro oT pel Mr. J haar & yr its a es and spiri anager, intends, it is sai issue owin notice, which certainly seems calculated to minimise the nuisance of which it professes to CavTion To THE PuBric. Every responsible person presenting himself for admission will called upon to sign a contract at the door undertaking for himself, and if necessary for his family or Bo party Commer ee. not to pause for a single moment to gaze at any portion of the Cyclo- rama, but to keep moving continually at a stead he building, which must be preserved uniformly from pearing Din Speen f2 Oa o matens Te dest of exit. As will probably necessitate some physical exertion, invalids and the infirm and aged, unless accompanied by their family soli- citor, or by some other respectable person who will be veapeniiide for their keeping up the pace, are warned off. _, To ensure the unceasing and lively continuance of this movement, it will be supervised by a8 able body of Police ‘provided with trun- pare ae picked and experienced Guardsmen, armed with yon: There will be a short comprehensive lecture every minute and a ving the of America from the earliest times to the arrival of Cotumsvus, details of the War of Independence, the strife between North and South, the history of Canada, and the Statistics of the Fisheries and general population. As this will be shouted almost continuously, from a speaking-trumpet, every visitor, though hurrying along on his round, will probably catch some of it. No flying questions may be put to the man in the rostrum. Any- h | one putting the lecturer out by his interruption, will himself immediately put out by the Police. It is believed that, by a strict adherence to the above the whole of the sight-seeing public of the ee may in due time have an ity of visiting the show, if with some rapidity of movement, at least without the inconvenience attendant upon a struggle and a crush. Fuvatty, Mr. HoLrtivesHEaD REQUESTS ALL THOSE prehensive cyelo- ip to block up all access to his wisely, ramic glance, 2 ** Niagara,” but quietly, reasonably, To Srax,Oursipg,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aram 14, 1888. Ps AK ti a ‘m >» AN Tan Ws yw ys # “d SUNDAY DIVERSION. Ourate, ‘‘Goop-Brz, I must Go m Now. I’vE GOT TO PREPARE MY SERMON—AND I pon’r KNow wHat I’m To PREACH ABOUT.” *‘On,—asouT Ten MuxvuTEs,—AND THEN COME OVER TO LuNcH.” THE CHURCH AND THE STAGE. ee Convocation will be specially summoned, and as soon as possible, the t, to consider the sudden of open heresy in the theatrical world. The teat iade heretice comburendo having oan long age application will be made to Parliament for leave to invent @ second act—e very guns tic one—to meet the present situation. It appears that the contagion is spreading the Strand, where it first attracted considerable attention at the Opéra ae eatre, when ot BERNARD — introduced Ariane to the public. Subsequently it fat in a fresh place on the side of the road at the Strand Theatre, where it a nnie. The B therafore, wil probably eonvlt fogsther witha view fo putting down this of Ariane-ism on the stage. The Two Houses of Convocation will visit officially two houses of entertainment above-mentioned, — Opéra Comique first and Strand the next evening,—in order to pronounce upon the merits of the question as a whole. Hotrmay Morro ror Sie Jonny Lvussoce.—“ Shut up!” HOW IT STRIKES THE CLOCK. A Crock sees a lot who discreetly Keeps his hands well in front of his fa0e, While the dancers are f wv i ieee Sipe end cuss In the holly-h whieh co neally Is not quite filled up by the case. The candles stand straight i in the — The boards like a looking-glass shin And lovingly rubicund JoHN sees To of supper and wine. An early arrival is taken By radiant hostess in tow, with confidence shamefully shaken, ote ak y= to _ with a row jetsam orsaken, Whose heyday is gone long ago, now lie in wait, like the Kraken, To drag buoyant hopes down below. Tige’s a youth who would ry his annul it, h he sticks, now he’s tryst, With a collar that presses his And a glove that is strained his fist, While the other, however he pull it, All efforts is fain to resist. And ~ knows he is certain to a ~ As he gives a last des And the fos tton flies Of likes ballet bullet, And the glove curls away from his wrist. There ’s a moody man ‘out on the landing Who bites his moustaches and swears, And the well-polished floor waxes shinier, And feet that were tiny look tinier, Like the white rose’s wind-driven petals, Or the lawn by the blown apple-tree ; And the band to its business settles, And the dance is all glory and ‘glee, And rubicund Jonn’s getting winier, And smiles with a Like a heavenly dredger the ’cello Scoops all the soul out t of a fellow, Till wildly he worships the snowy-neck’d fay In her virginal white, like th the blossoming May, bale case mall ae — ™ ore " More bright than the eye of the day. Then supper, with cracker and motto— Oh, the power of those sibylline leaves— When you say what it’s much safer not to, alt an eh see gladly a tious young crea With th the backs r their heads for the teks fea- a Janus admiring himself, tures, Turn years to a moment of blisses, graces of praiene venly kisses, and posi pelf. turn am my io very slowly, ive the young tag i sorrow that het ere ’s some’ SOTTOW ~ Foho a nstt-honrtod Cloak at a ni Then the cha eae eae re me to} , As if it’s my td that time ies. , dreaming 088 marriages, They sock , "instaltnente their carriages, in en Pe the vision of pleasure has fled. ne quiet as the chamber of illness, -room grows dim and forlorn, And I tick once again in the As the wind brings the rain with the morn. And L

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Aram 14, 1888.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 57. Y , 4 gat ea \Vv MSS \ 4) rt 4 ROYAL ACADEMICIANS CHEZ EUX. “THE VARNISHING POINT”—IN PROSPECTIVE. Toys rattle out of Roszrt fast—while up the sleeve of Dick POEMS FROM THE POLICE COURTS. Is ineffectually concealed—a silver-mounted stick ! No. I.—FREDERICK, RICHARD, AND ROBERT. (Now, the deepest sleeve can ne’er deceive by harbouring a stick.) Ir was an Easter Tuesday, and little Bos and Dick A model locomotive bad Bos disgorges next ; Fared forth to take a holiday with Brother FREDERICK ; nant oe oe ne ye pore ped 6 my Ln a | ahool eelapen med oti ap le we oeg ed pm youths fo ape, When from the folds of Ricuann’s cape they extricate— clock ! e ou! gruous . ; ; ; (Full strangely clad was the simple lad in his exisbonratie cape !) om, prants ~~ x!) was its price at Store,—he was quite a “‘The Tower we will visit,” they vowed, in eager tones ; = “And read the lesson of the Past from its grim historic stones! _| Se? from his shameless pocket bulges e pint bot tat sell! We’ll press around the fatal block, and feel the dinted axe, And lad’s ill- gains include—why, nobody can think— And study the construction of the thumbscrews and the racks!” An unassuming okina- pet, labelled * Pometo of Zino 1” (For these, in sooth, thrill gentle youth—especially the racks !) (What boyish eyes see aught to prize in ointments made of sinc ?) So on their way they wended, from Southwark to the Tower, FRrep all contrition, sobs how has sinned, fad eee not — angi =——_ a rae wy ee and shower ; pete ep ot pues, ond ee i finned ! neen Victoria Street, the oors And fancy they limi shame: Of: that a establishment—the Civil Service Stores Bat, — cae nt on ~ . - wave . disin frame |! (‘* What if,” they ried, ‘‘ we went inside these celebrated Stores.”) | (And he pulls a ince—for a -case has followed the photo- Into the Stores they sauntered—and Rosget's eyes are round, a = *, tered, ti Jnctant ri While Ricnarn’s mouth is open wide in wonderment profound ; The H uy a by yf tee lips pam Their artless prattle wins a smile from hardened men who list : To hear their awful doom : ‘Whanter they pete they leave boblind o cnnso of cunethin missed, | Their bad behaviour is described in terms (As if the joys of happy boys those Civil Servants missed | And a a pe are both discharged—but Frepznice is They cannot bear to lose them, and so detain the three : (Should care to to-morrow week, you will hear where Which, for some reason, seems to cast a gloom upon their glee. ae

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180 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aram 14, 1888, gy» Il Z\ si) “= ay i RS Savant Flinn yi i Hat gan ve h i," swt Innur rh EL , et aN i : ant i, ip “i li I House of Commons, Thursda ays April 5.—Commons met again to-day after Easter holidays—at least, some = et of the Commons doesn’t seem 7so0 common as commonly,” ey jokes daily oe increased vigour and freshness. “Only Questions on But half-a-dozen Amendments on going into Cnamittes of Supply. Most probable the whole of sitting would be appro- priated to Amendments. Perhaps if Old Morality ced at a few minutes “ twelve, might get Committee stage pro formd. But that the utmost ho W. REpMony’s Amendment about Kine Ja Ja enough to occupy sitting. reported that, since he had put Motion down, Repmonp had ascertained whe King Ja Ja is, where he lives, and what’s the matter with him. Might conse- quently be able to say something on subject ; though, as Gorst says, that not necessary condition with RepMonD of delivering a nap epee speech. as ispose & e otc any — ¢ Z, emselves differently. Covrr- ~~ S¢ we looks in at Question Time. Shan’t be wanted in Chair, at any rate before dinner-time, so turns up in morning ya tong Seated on Front Opposition Bench thinking of long nights to come in com’ Government Bil, when when (as dis- tinguished novelist occasionally A writes) lo! astrange thing ha: 9 pened. Three . a1 on the paper disposed of in twice as many minutes, Orders of Day reached. ‘Supply, Com- mittee.” MacponaLp CAME- now headed list of Amend- ments. SpzaxkeR called on him. Wasn’t quite ready. Let outs a slip. No one else is pla REDMOND proved faithless to — | Potentate. Before House d say W. H. Smitru, it was in Committee, and Courtney in Chair in morn- ing dress! SPEAKER we fled from Courtney’s “ Quick Change.” desecrated scen ace under the table distinetly seen to turn in its groove. Sergeant-at-Arms’ amazed sword rattled in its scabbard all said ieee! Suddenly, in middle. of El ’Clock, Commi! the | Eleven o aghast. Cry of “‘ The Constitution in danger!” quivered on pallid hi lips. Never before was Chairman & Com Com- aitioes seen in Chair without a white ae and swallow-tailed coat. Great opportunity for CourTNEY. Would he be equal toit? He was. Had heard or read somewhere of what is called at Hething sot dens equilich Saat te petal o et done eq eat now excited Seen of of Commons. Beck Be nog Gorst to take Committee Chair, CourTner lipped out behind centuibay whet this agtite’ migit pestenh ke ommaed wondering w is ty might e from other side of Chair in evening dress. How it was done, whether single-han or with assistance, not known, and doesn’t matter. ded ot it was done was clear enough, for there was Courtwey, white neck-tied and shirt-fronted, in seat of Chairman of Committees, and the Constitution was saved. **Most remarkable illustration of the working of Proportional Representation scheme I ever saw,” said Prunxer. ‘‘ Much better than the elaborate iment the other night. Through one yr opin of sitting CourTNEY represents Gentleman of the period in morn- ing dress ; throughout another proportion he represents ditto ditto in evening dress. Begin at last to see what Proportional Representation means.” usiness done.—Civil Service Estimates voted. Friday.—Another night of real work. Not larly lively, but exceedingly useful. House mabled epi just as t. Crowd of Me mbers — to see Coontwzr do the quick change trick again. Another success, but repetition Fa consequence appetite, The audience quickly , and the few t began to vote — oney being —s absentees by being present since business was re- sumed, All very well for young fellows like Grapstonz to be taking French move] in exten- sion of ordinary ho! liday. The star of GranpotPn’s life is Duty. Led him straight to } aol of - as ve as oors were open. To-night pro- new Committee to inquire into expenditure of Houses of ’ Parliament, Old Morality Ly} 7 eagerly assented. an * Committee, more " P oe @ 88 ‘is nothing. GRan- Head of the Dodd Family. porra will be quiet o condi- og we sat him with Committees, provender shan’t Dopps en roaming™ about all night, anxious for ‘his like success of yaar ‘sitting, 2 es 1) a moved to Report Progress. Didn’t mean an g. At ithdrew Amendment, but felt he’d created a sensation, and done something to fame of Dodd Family Aer, Deferred action too long. Aft ttee, astonished at as of its ouse imm thereafter Conntal Out. ‘* This is a Montagu—” Witu1aMs SHAKSPEARE. Mz. Mortacu Wiiiiams, though suffering at one 4 ~ from extinction of voice, and even now not the full tone of yore, has oe since taking his 3 on the Magisterial Benc out” in such a manner as to make his voice heard t throughout the length and breadth of the Metropolis, and, indeed, of the ve Kingdom. The great orator, Bossvzr, was known as Eagle of Meaux. Mr. Morracu Writs will . remem —especially by the Police of his district—as the Eagle Beak of Wandsworth. K> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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