Punch 1885: Vol 89

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Decemper 26, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Scexz—An Olive Glade under “ The Heliconian Ridge.” Interlocutors—Lord Tennyson, Trnesias, and Mr. Posca. Punch. Tue olive-glade, my Theban, and the peak ! But from the watery hollow, clear and cool, Pal'as Athene climbs not. Tiresias, Better £0. Your blindness were thie eclipse of Britain’s sun, In days when darkuess dominates o’ermuch Her “ men of light and leading.” Punch. Never fear ! Not “ gazing on divinity disrobed ” Will dull my patriot vision. Eh, my Bard? Like green in winter, music midst the storm, Comes, ever vernal in despite of time, Melodious still through Faction’s fiercest roar, Your Muse's latest gift ! Tiresias. The Golden Bough Bare never mellower fruit since SaPPHo sang. Tennyson. Thanks! Yet I loathe the Lydian flute, That tootles an effeminate eong, With sickly sweetness making mute Firm manhood’s clarion clear and strong. I would that through my daintiest Art Should thrill, with true Tyrtean might, “ The song that nerves a Nation's heart,” And fires the patriot plumed for fight. Punch. Fear not, my mellifluous ALrrep, we Englishmen know you of old, With the true knightly steel in your temper, for all that your lips are of gold, A patriot valiant and wise as that other great ALraep, who smote The Danes, flew the Dragon-flag sea-ward, and silenced the Raven’s hoarse throat. A story your lips should have sung, as they sung the Arthurian lay. But, Baron, your ballads have dropt on a barren and bellicose day ~_——

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 26, 1885. Of angry and heady word-warfare. When Christmas has softened their souls, And sweetened their tempers, who lately went frantic and fierce at the Polls, Like Manna in Party’s bare desert, will light their melodious lilt, As sweet as the music, Trestas, to which your loved city was built. Tiresias. Will they then hear him, the mad multitude, To whom wise words, if cast against the wind Of their wild wishes and vain hopes, are vain, Here, as in Thebes ? Punch (cheerily). At last they must hear Me! Tiresias (admiringly). Happy your lot, not blind nor unbelieved ! Tennyson. Thrice happy, to no faction thrall, With Fairness and gay Fun, Flouting the tyranny of All, As well as that of One! Punch. Why, certainly, my Laureate. And the Nation's Do-well follows My Think-well, as your Ancient Sage would say. Our new Apollos, Gods of the Long Bow most of them, lack light as well as lightness ; But through the medium of Mirth Puxcu manifests his brightness. Tennyson. And now your Genial Power Breaks forth anew, Thaws Winter's cold, and {ills Eyes with glad dew ; Your Artists have their wills, Your Poets too. Punch. Precieely, Sir. Your hour will come, but, after Row confusing, The world wants something gay and bright and genial and amusing, To soothe and smooth and sweeten it. Bring it along, my Topy— There! I'll remove his muzzle! So,—no fear of hydrophoby !— There !—that 's the Party fc brifuge, demulcent, tonic pick-up. "Twill beat Pasteur for rabies, still the wild spasmodic kick-up Of Faction’s tetanus ! Take it! There is joy in every line. Take, read to friend Trresias, my Volume Eighty-Hine! YS

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Jury 4, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. SN (?)) 1) fi | +l me Ni) | 1 THE REVOLUTIONARY SQUADRON, (Some Later Particulars Communicated.) Ir there has hitherto been in certain quarters some doubt ex- pressed as to the exact mean of the word “ Revolutionary,” when taken in connection with the carrying out of an apparently simple Programme of Nautical Mancuvres, there cannot be any longer the remotest question as to its perfect applicability to the recent doings in Bantry Bay. In ioet, Oe ae of the last few days has, to use the words of the now as i but still gallant Admiral in **so completely revolutionised and turned topsy-turvy all preconceived ideas of Naval Tactics, and their neses- sary adj as heretofore at Whitehall,” that, while Te’ , Ur the important post he at present fills, he cannot, in view of the forthcoming Demonstration promised shortly for Spithead, refrain from throwing out a few admonitory hints to his unsophisticated brother Commanders’ who may, possibly be called upon to figure more or less prominently before the Public on that in occasion. That worthy Salts may the more easily and readily apprehend the precise nature of the unexpected difficulties they _ be upon to encounter, the thoughtful Admiral has, in or-like fashion, condensed his recent experience off the Irish Coast into the shape of some simple and practical Rules, the value of which, not only in mimic are, but more especially in actual — in the presence of an enemy, must be seen at a glance by the merest outsider. A few of the more strik- ing and important of them are subjoined. They are as follows :— 1. As a rule, never go into action, if you can possibly help it, with your ship bottom upwards. _ 2. If unsupplied by the Authorities with proper despatch vessels, In any emergency fall back upon a torpedo boat, and if this crumples up at once, as it probably will with rough usage, like brown paper, requisition the nearest port for a coal-barge or two, and man them with any war correspondents who happen to be on board. Failing this, get into your own i after dark and take the — oe. as you can yourself to nearest marine post-office. 3. If in command of one of H.M.’s first-class four-masted , prepare for action by instantly sails , and tackle, and orem Here let under full , though pursued by nine armed cruisers whose normal rate is never under eighteen, may be regarded as a distinct and consoling advantage, not only to her crew and officers, but even to her constructor and country. 4. A properly constituted modern Fleet should have its corpus or body of heavy ironclad fighting power, and be supported by a eon- ingent of swift cruisers, supplemented again with scouts as feelers followed by a silent swarm of craft. A British Admira suddenly meeting this formidable array, should, if in command of three grotesque and thinly-armoured vessels of an extinct type, supplied with bursting muzzle-loading instantly strike up ‘** Rule, Britannia!” on the band of the i if it happens to be on board, and give the order to “‘ Scuttle and fill.” If, however, at the time he should be powerfully supported, after the latest approved fashion, by a cou Ne of lightly-armed Boulogne steamers and a converted Thames lighterman or two, it may then become almost obligatory on him to endeavour to draw up some sort of plan of action. If, notwithstanding this decent show of defiance, he is sent to the bottom before he has time to put anything on paper, he will, still not omitting the order to the band of the Marines to give “* Rule, Britannia!” go down quietly, ard like a man. 5. On taking up a position on a new Station, the first thing to be done is to ascertain the correctness of the Admiralty charts. This may be accomplished by sending one of the most valuable ships of the Fleet over an indicated If a hole is instantly knocked in her bottom, and all the steam-pumps within fifteen miles are hard | at work on her for three days and nights to keep her afloat, it may | be taken for granted that the chart is fairly correct. 6. The daily explosions of gas in the coal-bunkers should, if pos- sible, be timed to come off in the evening, as a considerable saving in the item of lighting could be effected by such an arrangement. Moreover, they would accustom the crew to most of the sensations of a successful night-attack by hostile torpedoes. When discipline rather than meee is the object, the catastrophe might be preceded | by the order, ‘* Pipe all hands for a blow-up.” 7. The captain of a turvet-ship, on finding that though he may | manage to give his turret one good turn, it may suddenly get jammed — and absolutely decline to give him another, should instantly unship his screw, reverse the position of his engines, and spin his ironclad as well as he can ro on its own axis. Thus not only revolving the matter in his own mind, but the whole of his crew in the face of the enemy, he may manage, by a well-sustained all-round fire, to square the immediate difficulty. Such are the brief rules, and it cannot be doubted but that, by a careful adhesion to one or more of them, the Spithead display will, | on the whole, be a brilliant and instructive affair.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. DISTRIBUTION. 5s, Thy 8 ‘ ee re A 2 th ae - 4 one ate 7 4 on \ KK a\ B\\ e a, LIBERAL TIPS ON LEAVING. *‘Sir Henry Edwards, M.P. | Two Old Friends on the New Gladstone’s Baronets. Ma. Epwarps, as we hear, : ot ol Situation. — He pays a compliment to Art, Did, at Weymouth, make a pier. ‘‘Wuo'’s Under-Secretary 0’ State Ro for Making Jonw Everetr Mrixais, Bart. ; If he made a pier, then he | Hinjia?” asked Mrs. Gamr. Also to painters and to pots, Ought himself a Peer to be. Drat t Rio: the woman!” muttered Bersy Price, | Hail to Sir Grosvenor Gattery Warts! Smtr Af = in not the best of tempers. °“{Dida't 1 wll Sir Faxpentcx P-R.A., Art's Knight, — J a Knight. | you"as it were Lord Hagnis.” {ails these two precedents with great delight. Se re Tord Hannis!” sniffed Mrs.2Gamr, with| precedents with great delig |an air of supreme incredulity.. ‘‘ Which I Tax Freedom of the City conferred on | don’t_believe there ain’t no sich person!” Tae Mopern Brock-en Disptay.—Fire- Prince ALBERT Victor of Wales inclades per- work night at the Crystal Palace. mission to the Loup Mayor on the back, : mission Tia hold boy.” The Prinee will be Mew Reading. + “emai yes entrusted with a latch-key, and every office A Jem—unset—and yet of ray serene, PO ny ortrai el le 2 et is to him. He may also order basinof Intrigue’s unfathomed “caves” leave ~S°N(TUG: s opportunely . t hour of the day without having stranded, bare, it be “‘ India Proof” ? i ission from the Lorpy | A LowrHer is condemned to blush unseen, Whilst the sweets of Office Cross and CmapPLin share. Str Drummonp Wotrr was ordered off to Egypt, and he obeyedvlike a Lamb.

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Jory 4, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | % " ! : ’ Ni | | My ——— 3 ! -— i =, Why) | =a 4 it | Fin SUF VWEIEm TRIRLBL Eb fir mT —, AL, ¥ Bo Vee tay , ‘ ' j if ob ee ae SURG COREA ASE onscmtesteaeeeees ~ . 1 qr i} i wrrrerrriiiii tl ee eT) ~ ° 2 —- +24 4/4) memee tte... | eee i ; | } | : ee 4 Fi! “ ru | ne ae ee | ji ml ~% A! Snr)» ° \ Sy \ ve ye! Will ge 7 i rT, YY, ¥ yj RAILWAY PUZZLE. Lonpon Rattway Sration. A Recatra Morwino. ‘ Booxtnc-Orrice opzn Frve MINUTES BEFORE THE TRAIN STARTS,” Puzziz.—How to Get your Ticker anp CaTcH THE TRAIN? to the Court of Common Council, who have since been just a little SHERIFFS’ DAY IN THE CITY. maze crsnamienl. Bo ee Lom baud Havine the honour of being a Liveryman of the Worshipful Com- en followed a proceeding that I could - a pany of Joiners, I received = watt pressing Note from a Gentleman, namealy, Se . om ‘ae ee ‘cuar pag hy with a perfectly unintelligible signature, but which looked some- Sable duties ef (hese mretenions ialtetianin theme ially as thing like Krrome Nrxem, im g me to be at a Common Hall on | Fon. a contested Section for the i son ion A Wednesday last, at two o’c to support a certain Gentleman for l aa P dit age vieinit ietesmands tn thaten Ale-csnner was what would be to me the somewhat uncomfortable office of Sheriff. | “©®"™ h i ired int th cendition of the Ale sold in the City, and Not only Sheriff of London, too, but Sheriff of London and Middle- | °° W"6 *»g@ ah rp ms 4 P sex, so as to make sure, I sup of having a certain duty to| 7% derived from the Anglo-Saxon word cunnian, to inquire into, perform, to which I will not f r allude. My first difficulty was but @ remarkably jovial-looking Liveryman expressed it as his to find the Common Hall, little expecting that such a term of con- | Pion that it meant a man who knew a good glass of Ale when he tempt could ever be applied to beautiful Guildhall, but so it was; — i. phe quinn, wes Cae ee y, if a and I entered its sacred precincts through a little wicket, over which th . sre rr the Al lied to the thirst Clipens of Londen the name of my Worshipful Company was inscribed. There I found arwen a condi: goslipalen about the Porter and Stout, and Ly On teh eee him all aes iieen ete, why no Porter-conners or Stout-conners were appointed, to which bouquets, which they occasionally smelt at, as if the atmosphere of | 4." natural question the learned Pundit replied that Porter and the eo Hall ie too for th Stout were comparatively modern inventions, following rapidly upon The Election of the Sheriff wen andaian oft po enough, when | the discovery of Spanish Licorice, while the antiquity of Ale and the a sombre Liveryman of most melancholy appearance asked permission eeene ae ah ty wo pay th ° oe by oe a to put a question to the Candidates, put it accordingly, but as it Ale! ” "This doubtful point ing thus satisfactorily cleared up, we was very tone and quite ne prod it did not a nam om ~ nll away pe J. Lirevé. siasm. were some names put up, but everybody ; voted for my unknown friend and for a very nice fresh-looking but Memorable somewhat juvenile Alderman, and that business was soon over. __ ‘ Then stepped forth in most dainty fashion a Gentleman dressed in| n June 24, when the House met at 5 P.M., Mr. Wrrw alone fall Court suit, with about the most flowery waistcoat I think I ever | represented the new Ministry on the Treasury Bench. With the saw. I was told by a kindly neighbour that the Gentleman in ques- | exception of a statement from Mr. GLapstrong, and a notice from tion was a ag of all the countless millions of the great Cor- | Mr. ope Mr. hidy | - business ty himself. He poration of City of London, and always wore that magnificent | “‘moved” sixteen times, though always remain: same ; waistcoat as akin of wealth beyond the dreams of avarice. He | and he “ withdrew,” once, without retiring. Tks i was received with a most cordial greeting, and re-elected to his| that in Hansard and all Parliamentary annals responsible, but doubtless very comfortable, office, unanimously. | that Wednesday, June 24, of this year, shall henceforth My treed told me that he saw him on the 8th of last November, | only as ‘‘ Winyspay.” when he thought the Corporation wanted just a little hint about their extravagance, walk ho Lorp Mayor and hand him an enor-| Mr. Puwncn, for the eighty-ninth time, has refused a Peerage. mous purse, but which was quite empty ; that the Lonp Mayor took | He has, however, soquented that a collar may be bestowed on Tosr, the hint in the most good-tempered way, and communicated the fact! and has been promised the reversion of a pair of garters.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Jury 4, 1885, 4 LIGHTLY HANDELING. (To the Crystal Palace with a friend to hear the Messiah.) A oreat crowd at Victoria going down Ps & Palace, but we did it very easily and comfortably on the High Leve' Ge a at ccencien at Gio, Chatto too Maple Bestinsl: end assisting,—not that I can assist them very much, but it’sa wonderful sight. Mr. _—— —s, then Madame’Parey and Mr. on Le ne Teal atl ve ay ae an enthusiastic mi eman near me, with a very bald head and resplendent Bogs nom bon kids, waves pes beats his umbrella on the floor. Then the National An Scie ah ovaeibely che wis 0 apttstel Seana , an air of subdued self-congratulation as if we had been singing it the | ourselves, and were much pleased wi Manns wants but little here below, But wants that little strong. a silver knob to it of such a size as to suggest a canta of a Drum-Major’s cane with a humble Cathedral Verger’s wand. Bunsom is evidently going down to some races. ‘Races!” he exclaims, when I, with due gravity, pretend a tem- porary interest in his mundane amusements, *“ no! I’m oing down with y) to hear the Crystal rues Ba tai ” Indeed ! But then why like this? *‘* Splen —. ** Heaps of people = you don’t see aan HA, of a girls. You know,” he adds, ds, giving me a nudge in the ribs with his elbow, and smiling affably at on ion y dressed in et is evidently her best y ‘you know there are lots 1s’ schools taken to this sort of , and you do see some = ing pretty, fresh faces.” = —- is full of this style of conversation. He is overflowing with it. He —p—t -t he informs me, a ve gay season ; he is out every night, and every day. He is never at He entertains at his Club,—by the way, doesn’t entertain me. He is the delight of thousands. He is bored to death by invitations. The Nobility and Gentry vie with each other to obtain Buysom’s society, and, in fact, as far as I can gather from his information, no social or fashionable ga , during the season, is complete with- out Burson. Now this is not the sort of companion I should ~ we with whom to go to hear the Messiah. He won’t talk of Handel ange yr = of Cathedrals, of sacred subjects, of the Revised Version, of the recent discovery of a primitive text, and so forth, but he tells = how many excellent dinners he has had. He smacks his lips over the Gonengpe he has consumed ; he gives me, in a loud tone of voice, my for making certain tasty di —and sor ms in our , who are sitting silently — drinking in wads of culinary wisdom from Buysom’s li feel sure that, if the journey were a long one, we should all ual] forget the object in view, and, under ay: strange Bunsom spell, would find ourselves discussing reci ‘or good dishes, and the vintages of '74, instead of the merits ite of atong Messiah, Judas Macca- beus, and other ~" HawNDEt’s compositions. We troop on to the platform into the Palace. In view of the various refreshment-rooms and it occurs to Bunsom that he hasn’t lunched. He must, he sa ve something before he can listen to music. “ Besides,” 3 “"T don’t come so much for the la Adon eqqutaichay the aneck sues of is oat what ie ter ascertaining ex position o seat, next to —_ he disappears, to procure what he calls “a snack and a short ri He is right. The crowd of singers above the orchestra is a his | ‘‘ Comfort ye our performance. The enthusiastic gentleman, who had oat privately and personally in order to have both hands free for applause, now suddenly sits on it, and for the pce gh age uring the solo and chorus, 7 straights t and”sedulously brushing it. The incident has ten it out om ously brushing i e in lesions tended his enthusiasm,—and his hat. After this we settle down to business, and Mr. Mawws, having satisfied himself that everything is correct, starts the Overture. Then up comes Mr. Maas, an at the first notes of the tenor solo, Ly ll my mind goes back to hot Sunday after- noons in Eton Coll Chapel, when we used to ask some subordinate official what was to to be the Anthem of the day, and were informed that it would be “Oly, ’oly, ’Awpet ’Alleluj Chorus.” Mr. Maas sings superbly, and is much applauded. Then follows a Chorus which, like most other Handelian Choruses, begins effectively, and soon becomes monotonous on account of the repetition of the words, which, in this instance, are “‘ And all flesh.” An Eyre on the Organ. The rule of these Choruses seems to be, that first the le on the right shall make a statement, or an assertion, m y, an this shall be immediately followed by the people on the lett repeating it louder, with , sant a tinge of annoyance in their tone. And then the he people in the middle try to mend ee the phrase, in order to bring the two parties together ; office, after some two dozen more repetitions, which eee more and more asserting each time, on one hand, and the retorts more and more forcible on the other, they ultimately sucoeed, and then all join together harmoniously, th the Chorus ending in the at perfect unanimity. _oeigestees 4 Pe ** All flesh ” is repeated I don’t know, but Iam just beginning to wish that HawpeEt .d remembered that‘ All flesh 1s grass,” and, accordingly, wants cu , when Signor Fox starts his bass part, and proceeds to give w at seems to have been a humorous illustration in the Canpenara mind of the grand ‘*T will shake.” Shake! onynn re shakes allover. It may be musically heretical to express such an opinion, but for a serious Composer like Hawpet to have hit upon no more appropriate of the Prophet's celestial message than, when he comes on the words “‘I will shake,” to make his Bass ee simply uce an all-round- and-round shake, is, to my humble and un- elian thinking, a puerile treatment, utterly unworthy of the sublimity of the subject. And this, more or less, strikes me as true of all the fugues and shakes, re alien, and florid when connected with words in ar Oratorio. Then the Caen, “ Purify the Sons of Levi,” is much nuded. Subsequently they sin what seems to be an “ Altercation “4 one side asserting “‘ Unto us,” and the other side warmly retorting Ca Se saae, eee, and the dispute, as usual, is only set right and brought to a satisfactory conclusion by the inter- vention Lhe f the en 5 in the middle, when once more all ends ' Madame Abani’s beautiful voice is now heard with telling but, for the matter of that, there could not be a more perfect uin- tette than was represented by Mmes. Parey, ALbani, Messrs. Fout, and Santer. The enthusiastic man with the bald ee te een, Sa self—not with his hat—and been giving Mr possible assistance by privately and personally conducting onl nestiede of the Oratorio. Just as we get to Number yy ta “ Then shall the eyes of the blind,” Buwsom returns from his “‘ snack and short drink,” and has some difficulty in te What his snack has consisted of he doesn’t inform me S&S ssasse Per fF . - - uae > BBrPZEs

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See ag as |i ROTH BRGES FREGRASTIS & FE mad" eo - Trey 3 fee ,erereor Si... Jury 4, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 6 beaming eye,” and there is b as an air of such joviality about him as is a safe a jadlention of drink an ving given nee a _—. waves his hand. tily towards his * Ae ‘and mare cheerily and londly, what ’s been on?’ serious portion e my i witty press their distaste for this sort of interruption ina suild but decided RS-s-8-h! !” So, motioning him to his I pretend to be completely absorbed in the performance. But uxsom is restless: he has his lorgnettes out at once, and is examining the Choir. ‘*Some pretty oe there,” he mutters, sotto voce, with the air of . slave-merchant who is ng to fi out a few to take away with ve wink and hen peng he goes on, adding, as he , and it with a sly nu nu of his cr, shoulda mind etary ope int ou m, ina w sexes are Fes,” he he says, sowningy bt ‘bat I should make a mistake, and t on the wrong This is not the proper tone of mind r anyone Treo sting’ ot a Haniel Festival, "During the Entr'acte we roam about the Palace and visit the Pom- | forfan woty eh Galleries. Buwnsom meets a friend, and | or hera, after which the THE LONDON SCHOOL-BOARD AND THE “ SATURDAY REVIEW.” Dear Mr. Puncu,—I read with shame and indignation ina weekly journal an outrageous attack on Ge august boty of which ‘ am a member. We are accused of nae ‘wemraiag, and fining, and imprisoning an infinite number of the poorest of for not aning their children to school in to the Act of and the Mundella Cede. This Journal with ew, to set oo above all Acts of be says we frequently vea family of five or six by taking a boy phn ped work 4 Well—suppose we fy awe isa a week compared wi! tion as, through the iheeliee of the offer to the humblest ond, Seapeenet ar of th compared , of the Beautiful and gr sinking ' the level of a mechanic's of Dante or a of Gray, aanes perhegs to fame. But it is said that Y , on compulsory education. If it were i instead of three bund thousand, I say the money would have | well spent. Then it is said that we - | widow, not because she does net sant Bee he he plays truant, thus punishing the i critic! have not the innocent suffered for th ? and is not the point about which not | doubt, now clearly settled by Act of Parliament ** What do they = by goin oF He is right: it does soun ay the context, which, by the the effect is ~ dts of a lot of peculiar or extraordinary | y: * All rts like sheep. pe ey “oven the pre orm and § de ent «the glorious Hallelajal ANTLEY’S solo, on or ous Chorus, whan tha. bald-teaded.enth * beats time wildly, wags head, a ‘ difficulty in costae” hiner from waving his injured hat, and joining in lustily. Buwsom is so deeply impressed, that only once during the Chorus does he put his nie tS to his eyes, to look at the ladies in the chorus ; but this is onl matter of habit, as his grave and his air as su moment he really thinks he is, for he promptly causes the race-glasses to disappear in their case, and stands quite overpowered by the sublimity of the work, and the remarkable power of its porn hy “Splendid!” I say to him, when it is finished, and we have applauded everybody, and Mr. Manns in particular. hy 2 returns UNsOM, meditatively ; ‘‘ but I’d rather hear it in a Ca’ I understand the sentiment, and, to a certain extent, agree with it. Yet there are some good who think that an Oratorio and ually found a man act Scriptural authority for not pla: at all in the text, “Handle not.” But he wasa rigid Puri tan punster. On Wednesday, the with a few notable exceptions, were not on the whole , though admirably executed by soloists, chorus, and orchestra. the Conquering Here Comes” was superbly rendered. The excitement was at its highest when Aveustus Druriotanvs walked down and bowed his acknowledg- ments. Of course to-day’s performance on the organ was the Best. yt nae 5 with telling effect. Mr. Manns has a pert constant balding a ris lett hand to his ~ i, l~ A Cy ea y wp mae mue turned to her neighbour tsb deal? Tha ilps af 2 deat Condaccar fora Handel Festival * The Crystal Palace Directors would do well to in for more of this class of entertainment. It might become the Palace's spécialit/. This is a suggestion. Buwnsom thinks so too. Moms. at the Military Tournament. an Stik Diver", me ap ng % Party. Cutting Ee kite c= Hegsent’s letters to the ‘* Heads and Posts” —Appointing the T Chief to Office. —The correspondence Saduean Lord Satispury and The writer of the arma, ovat goes out of Pacer, that most irrepressible of Beaks, for he invariably decides against the School-Board. The and the short of the matter is, that our honourable Board is up, by nscrupulous La nage d By only as a gigantic pamlag, but as an —_s le vampire, is steadily consuming, and threatens finally to gy ie the: 7 the sabopar ess. You, Mr. Punch, know how utterly and root fate charges are, and I a with confidence to pear ei of mnie say @ word in our Your pen is a sledge-hammer I entreat you, in the cause of humanity and at a single blow the puny seribblers, who, pth hopeless ignorance, have ventured to assail the greatest and most glorious work of the Nineteenth a e—4 oF THE ScHOOL-Boarp, THE PREMIER’S PRIMER; OR QUEEN’S ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE. (Being Models for Future Statesmen, in their Oficial Correspondence. ) Mrz. G—— presents his humble duty to your MaJesry, and I wish = ae he has had te ag to Cy: ok communica Som ir ——, written on Her Ma 8 Pi es al inclosing a letter, and which Mr. G—— herewi Ra Gh. . our Mayesty. Mr. G—— would have liked, if he could he nent, t is, to have been able to have presented that Document to Her Maszsry when your Masesty could be Eas to how it was that those conditions was not as what Lord 8S—— suggested. He ts his humble duty, rey am your ESTY’s obedient Servant.”’ Lord S—— with his humble duty and kind segente and pal beping this reaches Her Maszsry as it leaves me at Fem begs to respectfully acknowledge the a Mr. mala pee begs to say that I really don’t un the aforesaid Mr. G—— have been sup to be a. at. Tosi S—— should i not liked to have undertaken Her Majesty’s Government if Maszsty could not have received aeuadepast tens Mr. G—— whia might have enabled Hex Masesry to have made some Golinition arrangement, and to have come to an with parties concerned. As it is,me and him has still ce which Lord S—— would have liked to have been concluded in acsrdence with whabover wep poms Masesty’s wishes. Lord 8—— present his respects, and with ie eve amass S WE Se all right in the end, as it wasn’t in the beginning Mr. G—— sends his humble duty to to Hr Maszsry, and should have wished that this lence would have been public. Thi comes hoping Your Masesry is which I am never better, he is Your Maszsry’s y, W. E. G—. Lord S——, with his eo om duty and bat Mr ong for ior past Wy Ey Ceoentee favours, quite indorses and coneurs in what on this subject, and hopes this as public. Hoping that by to me ol by pune- tuality and dispatch, to merit a continuance of Your Maszsry’s custom, I beg to sppecribe myself “* Assurances.” Masesty’s respectful Servant,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. F, as “ Mh aM " bh i bod TLI0h (| 4 ff iy | ii i 4 |) ie (i > aT | ff LA PAA AH ar cH MES N Pa = THE SPREAD OF CHRISTIAN CHARITY. Mrs. Mowbray de Vere Smithers. ‘‘Henz'’s THAT HORRID ViCoMTE De SAINTE-ALDEGONDE, AS HE CALLS HIMSELF, WHO STOLE Lorp Masuam’s Suzeve Srups at Mowre CaRlo, AND WAS SENT TO Paison ; HE was A GAaRncon DE Cark, oR SOMETHING, AND HIS REAL wnt 1s Caarutor. J wonper such PgeorLe ARE ADMITTED ayrwuers/” The Col “ Bur—PraRponw ME—sURELY I mer HIM AT Your House Last Nicut!” Mrs. Daa Vere Smithers. “Oa, EVERYBODY ASKS HIM, YoU KNOW—80 oF covrsE J po!” =: a." , itting the weather-gauge of me if I don’t watch it, one o’ these MAKING THE BEST OF IT. e. 6 Prk nipper fo mul though, eee. Teste enite Me Scax— Sicte“ Britannia” ander ever -lph (as av’nor looks a bit crusty. "t qui & weak oe ig + 4 nadia to the late firm ytesioens | my Ty Be bo I suspex. Lor he ain’t arf a one, else he’d have —— & Co., Ship-carvers) with his handy lad R-xp-LPu. Co. long since, afore this nose-o’-wax “ BriTTaNYER iD oeer finished. But time’s short, and he’s in a bit of a’ole. ole. Ong R-nd-iph (‘ running his eye over her,” contemptuously). Yah! wish ithe business was mine. Praps it may be soon. call that a figure-head? I ‘dot cut a better ‘un with a clasp-knife out show ’em. of a turnip. S-l-sb-ry (aloud). Well, we must git to work, and—ahem !|—do S-l-sb-ry (gloomily). Ah! she do look a dough-faced doll, don’t | — a our money, | suppose ag Ne A. N b by thing! ‘ p. peat beet h’ wie _SRITTANYED want with th hie bit ink Ba Tals nd-lp asty niminy-piminy nam : — ven a birch ’u ter t t ’t whip an or any- TANYER rule the —_ indeed us 1 She don’t t bok good pase | beer — a y Oh Charity to Creation, with a ane branes a class of young Charities, she don't Might ht don ha’ forthe GLapDsTONE was nuts on the holive-branch, you head of Noah's Ark per with Mimsy ria old Mars himself a bit of it, and try to pass him off the daisical lovey-dovey sort of « smile. Why, benel ly got phe wn a | God o’ Peace, he would. trident Guv'nor,—see ? ! Pore old Brirranrer! Twiddling the twig S-l-ab-ry. No! Late Firm didn’t believe in froway and instead keepin’ a tight ’old o’ the trident. Might es well have sea-dog type o’ Barrranrenr, with the down-yer her the White Feather at once. That’s wot it moc wiper igs a three-pronged fork. Went in for — aya did. all was told, Guv’nor. a — made of it. 8-l-sb-ry. Y-c-e-s! ’Owsomever, I don’t see what we A. Rather! New ideals can do with this job at present. A’most wish, after all, + stopped ad” rs a Ball- Dogs,” “ Burrranyens,” in and finished it off hisself. Won't do us any credit, ‘anyhow. pleasure in onving them, eh, Guv’nor ? "Re nd-lph. But I say, Guv’nor, arter running down his work, as S-l-sb-ry. ht, boy! Wonder what old Bewsow ’ud ’a said to | we've bin a doin’ for years, and selling him up at last, don’t you this lw -mou miss of a oe B | know! foe 8-l-sb-ry. Why, what can we do? Ship must rd ae into commission, had iph. Ah, that Grapstowr & Co though y for a short cruise, at once. No to remodel the trade, they was. Ought never ee fone inte ha’ F Head. And—— sham lions in butter, or sneulid chenhenleenss -nd-lph (eagerly). But can’t you just touch her up a bit, and the piey Do epceiesy ales Ret Seek 6 Wily We) te Sasa S-l-sb- bmn Young ’un’s don’t yer w ought to encourage Bb eby (hs (dubiously). Humph! We'll see. [Left considering.

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“FRESH PAINT!” Tue Surr’s Carpenter. “ H’M!—THERE’S NO TIME TO RE-MODEL HER!” Tue “ Hawpy Bor.” “NO, GUY’NOR!—BUT WE MIGHT TOUCH HER UP A BIT, AND MAKE HER LOOK MORE FIERCERER-LIKE!!”

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Juxx 4, 1885,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

A SOAP-AND-WATERLESS JULY. (A Wee-daring Novelette.) From the Prince Zoedoni, Caviare Hotel, London, to — Duchesa della Bianessa, Marghati, near Ramsghat:, Italy. Dvucxissima REBECKAH, I cor your letter, which was delightful, because it was Warts ppm bss” a, i'n quite Snes We're We ses met he Yes, it is quite true. oe met her in one of the river tea-gardens. was at like her before. She is so white, = the 5 my Sarah Snookes, Buckingham corto Road, London, tay Chelsebus, British Embassies, Vienna and *Constan- "ir season has been horribly dull—only one marriage worth talking about. The second daughter of the Right Hon. the Earl of Battersea Park. the logy Jinnivere, is going to be united to Prince Zoedoni, the Roman T: Ug, whose hate three of them worn one upon the other in full dress—are si ed had lovely. — Earl did not care about it as the Lady Jinnivere had another young man keeping company with her—her cousin in the Blues, Lord Hampton Court. But the Prince carried all before him—his performances on his national musical instrument, the mouth harp, were irresistible. From the jay Sms Beer de Beer, London, to Miss de Rosherville, mes bare. Citizen B, off Gravesend. The wedding was Real Saumur champagne, ginger-pop, cold beef, an acta > anil ait the — of the season. e Chief Rabbi, who had at rst refused his consent, had given it, and behaved quite too cgune Wel The Prince kept all his hats on at one of them. They are p, near Endon, for a month to be quiet. I fancy Naso soon be bored. She ought to have taken him to some lively place, such as Southend or Boolong. From the Prince Zoedoni, Welsharp, near Endon, to the Duchesa della Bianessa, Marghati, near Ramsghati, ’Tanetta, Ducxissm™a Mia, I never saw so much water before! This vane & pperfest penticin, bat 3 comp costes. fo De wading my This is nusanza, As for the kitchen, it is perfectly p= # ae fried fish, no tripo, no inioni! But still I am very happy. Ma Sopanvatura is an angel ! From the Duchesa della Bianessa, fe to the Prince Zoedoni, Welsharp, E Caro Mio Crappont, Your wife certainly bores you. She is evidentl nusanza. We know what our men want—a slappa sido di lio. I have half ‘a ha ve you a ponciello sulla nobba! Poor fellow. ow miserable you must be! I know how you hate — From the Princess Zoedoni, to Lady Blaunche Ditchling, of the European Embassies. Dearest BLAUNCHE, course, I am ean meg Kewke be too proud of being married to an Italian nobleman of Moheew esrens} It is such a rise in the world for the daughter of an English Earl. Still 1 cont ihe a ie Sree aoe. Son ane we Sean ne och calls it mezzo e mezzo) wi servants in th and never dresses for nal He always nthe Hoy same Tt hor ap But he looks so different from our young men—such long a epee uresque! But I am afraid he is bored! Isn't that tra r be he seemed quite the other day when I got him some —! Dear fellow! He yawned afterwards, and he sleeps a great deal. “Yes. Iam afraid he is > From Lady Blaunche ot, Pf. =A European Embassies, to rou little silly ! PE a > <echaonr so If he won’t make himself an advertisement for What’s-his-name’s — oe Proud of him. ile te lever.” Oaly ey Bored is he? proud of him. is clever. Only clever men are bored. Well- educated ones are school-bored. ask my advice? Yes. Well it is this, do as you like and let him do as he likes. Then you'll both do as you both like, and you’ll both be happy. You little goose. From the Prince Zoedoni, to the Count Maccaroni, Hatton Garden, London

Caro pees, aes P 4 send penny-dreadfuls, London Journals, an: “ Pink rane you ow Also half a dozen cutty pipes, a pound of shag, and Secledaues Mdsadn Boke nceon!

But my;wife is just a little too particular. The fact is ! Di sponnay Marg meget, new re Chelsebus, B Embassies, es, are bo preity Bi Ham Court little meg I met to the bathing-machines. te | they would be safe ae come there! I see man be the fault of A Boap-and- Waterless July!

THE GIFT OF REPARTEE. THERE are qualities, ~~ + by some, to which I lay no claim, But look down on them with sat hn ay as commonplace and tame, Such as industry, ae honesty, forsooth, Punctuality, and accurate adherence to the tru’ I’ve been told by captious persons that m “form” is deuced bad, That my language is irreverent—in —_ I’m « Cad! But, to balance my shortcomings, e’ enemies That kind Nature hee endowed me with | Gift ~, Every day—occasion serving—I contrive to make a hit With some dazzling ins inpiocten 06 of my keen and ready wit. My impromptus are as as lightning, and as hot, Sometimes playful, sometimes withering, but always on the spot. Yet the smartest things I utter have occasionally To results which made me feel at hiiistiode. had best been left unsaid ; For Society abounds in stupid P ou see, Quite incapable of relishing the charms -ocoee oh I eae And against me, ’tother e trived to raise a laug h With a somewhat rough and kind of joke—but let that pass ‘— 1 rejoined, with sparkling humeur, ‘‘ Jowxs, my boy, you are an ass!” Whereupon he struck me suddenly, and just between the eyes, With a eee that caused me no and veer 8 —_ surprise. It was then, I may admit, the notion That it might have been as well had I foregone that 3 Bepestes. Once my venerable Aunt to reprehend me felt inclined ;— She’s a Pedo-Anab aptist, of a gloomy turn of mind ; — After twenty minutes’ I had had about e h, a | So I wittily exclaimed, ‘ " Beloved Aunty you ’re a muff!’ The old woman—at her dulness you be amazed, I trow— Proved unable to appreciate that admirable a She left come engenes she owned away from me, And I lost a ortune by that brilliant Repartee ! I was bein erens-ensmnined Sp 9 Cont of Lon, one day, When the Judge exclaimed, “* Speak louder, , Sir | I can’t hear what ou say I PP sec tims my chance, and of it straight resolved to make the most, So I shouted, ‘“* Why, old Cock “ag you’re deafer than a ampet 1” His Lordship did not see the j jok but took me up quite short. And, in point of fost, ¢ committed me for gross contempt of Court. Off to gaol I wen and years before I was set free, All because that old duffer no taste for Repartee ! I was once in love, and deeply too, with One surpassing fair, Of romantic disposition, languid ey poh bre hair. She was plum she was pious e One, And she vowed she loved me dearly—but aaa wang fond of fun! I remember, whi en she ho then we a her own accord one day, I exe’ **T’ll tell your Mother!” in my scintillating way. Well, she slapped my face and sent me to the right-about, for she, Strange to say, was quite disgusted by that graceful Repartee. This inestimable gift of mine, I candidly confess, If appraised by its effects, ean scarcely rank as a success. It has cost me more than competence, Hct to mention ssention Rests <8 Sarees I’ve been with noisome frequency, Trampled on with high-heeled boots until Yet, ite the thousand sorrows There fo nothing I'm oo yooud of ts my a dozen brides and punched was sore, Leman To fgg pee Seeman fe =e,

“Baneet” Onoans.—The Tizer and Licensed Victuallers’ Gazette.

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[Jury 4, 1885. NEW MEN Parncirats or Tar New Conservative Comepy Company TRYING AND OLD ATTITUDES. TO LOOK AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE LIKE THE OLD PuBLic FAVOURITES. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Lords, Tuesday Night, June 23.—Happening to drop into one of the Paddington Omatbuees this afternoon, thought I saw familiar figure in the corner. Tall, big-shouldered man. with dark beard, slight stoop, and small hand-bag. Canit be? Yes, it is— the Markiss ? o Geis comp bo Ascot?” Windesr a . **No,” he said, *‘ going to Win ; accepted office, you know. Oh no, that was all my fun declaring I wouldn’t go in. Wanted to seare a few friends, and flatter myself I su ed. You should have seen some of them—I mention no names—when they heard that there was a hitch. Thought, too, I’d frighten Giapstons and his lot. But they seem to have ch their opinion. Were terribly alarmed, at first, that we would not come in; but now don’t seem ——- to & — I’ve _—s a py ym this last week, Lag I can ou. But no use spoiling a joke by keeping it up too long. af po ’m off to Windsor. Have left Dewman in charge of affairs in - So it turned out. Denman, in absence of Markiss, ran the machine, and nearly broke it up. Wanted to throw out Seats Bill. But was so terrified by the scowls and frowns of Crawproox and others on Front Bench that he d his motion like hot potato. Not to be moved, however, on next business. Has attached himself to cause of Woman ; is determined she shall have right done to her. et brin —-h- on. a ee. ~ © ais ecxer, ‘‘ and what happens ! rag e it up in 8, an you'll see it’ll go through just as if it were the Seats Bill. Let Lovely Woman keep her eye on me and I'll pull her through.” Made magnificent and convincing speech in moving Second Reading of the Bill. When he sat down dead silence prevailed. House evidently taken by storm. Not a nobleman to get up and offer reply, however weak.’ Dewan folded his arms and surveyed Sea tome tin, for Ee es Oe ae ee eye upon him. for was y g . Question t from Woolsack “‘ that Bill be My Be, Time.” ** Non-Contents have it,” said Lorp CHANCELLOR. Denman looked at him with pityi lance. Going out of office : naturally in — temper, but, ily, harmless. “Contents have it,” he insisted. strove in vain against his House divided, and, somehow or other, people got > use into wrong lobbies, only t voting with Denman and thirty-six against. “I believe,” ee. y; ‘that the other side have got hold of Dewmay, and, not to defeat us other- wise. him to take House of Commons. f particular in LADSTONE privately made to me by Markiss an hour earlier. Conservatives will take office. Writs to be moved to-morrow, and in the meantime House adjourns. Commons, Wednesday.— Umpires called “Over!” and field changed sides. ‘‘ You don’t move, of course, Tony,” said Giap- stone. ‘ You're above all Parties, We poor politicians, condemned to stand on two legs, are swayed hither and thither by the storms of politics. You, broad-based upon four legs, remain unmoved the convulsions of our little world. Ah! happy dog!” : Much touched by this confidence. To ordinary people he seems in highest spirits ; plucked up wonderfully since he went out of Office. But beneath the mask is a bleeding | eart. Very nicely put, that about the four legs. But a man can’t have ev ing. ‘ Gtapstowe read long correspondence between the Markiss and himself. Method of correspondence rather i Markiss wants to say something to Giapstone, so writes letter to the QueEw at Windsor. Queen sends it to Grapstowz. GLapsToNneE replies in letter to the Queen, who forwards it to Markiss, and so on. “ Using Her Masesry fora _— letter-box,” says Saaw-Lzrevee, who regards incoming of Markiss as a personal question arising just as he was settling down comfortably at St. Martin’s-le-Grand. “Cheaper and quicker to use ogenay stamp, and send letter direct between Downing Street and Arlington Street.” ** Not a very safe way either,” says CHAMBERLAIN. one letter miscarried. On 20th Markiss repeats declaration, ‘ Can take office without specific = = 2ist, W. E. G. repeats refusal to give them. On 22nd Markiss takes office. Must have been something to round off his flat refusal of 20th.” ’ Business done.—RowLaxp Wuisy moves writs for new Elections. Thursday.—More new appointments and more writs. House hears with delight that AsumEAD- Bart ett is ‘‘one of Her Majesty’s Commissioners for Executing the Office of Lord High Admiral of the United Kingdom.” ** And so you’ve made AsumeapD-Barttett a sort of Lord High Admiral,” I said to the Markiss, who was hanging about the door of the House of Lords waiting till half past four to make his entry as Premier. “ This is pretty quick advance for a man who y y was rated A.B.” ‘*Yes,” said the Markiss, with a sigh. ‘It’s been a terrible business all through. But Beacu declined to take charge of Commons unless I gave him a specific pledge to put a stopper on Asumeap. ‘It’s a choice between him always asking questions, or occasionally answering them,’ Bracu said. ‘For peace’s sake, put him on the Treasury ch.’ Had to yield. But it’s a bad prece- dent, and wi ble. You’ll be all practis- " wy. | will make the House of Commons unbeara having now half a dozen imitation AsueaD-BARTLETTS, ing ‘ An Easy Way to the Treasury Bench.’” Fail House in Markiss introduces himself as Premier, and has kindly reception. Alludes to Correspondence with GiapstonE, but makes no reference to missing letter. Hanprnex Grrrarp, curiously observed by RepEspaxz, partially seats hi on Wool- sack, Ae says SHERBROOKE, his poetic mind fired by the pe last touch of grace and dignity to this gilded Business done.—Parliament adjourns till July 6th.

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Jury 4, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL AFTER * Costume Machine a thing of cogs and manent cool and collected. “A DAY IN THE,COUNTRY.” Never saw the mag be . And the streams wimple down ; Far the meadows’ fragrant mazes From the close courts of the Town! They have never seen the ocean Break in thunder on the strand,* All the wild waves’ mad commotion When the surge o’erleaps the land ; Never known the twilight tender, When the storm-wind has passed b Or the pale moon’s silver splendour, When the sea reflects the sky. y; Take them one day, then, from sorrow, From the haunts of sin and crime, That from gladness they may borrow Comfort for the aftertime. Let them see the country ane, Shining stream and flower plain ; All their wee sad hearts beguiling From a life so full of pain, One small luxury untasted, One delight in all the hours, And the pittance won’t be wasted, Since the children see the flowers. Sir, your button-nole has posi Madam, your fan too. Suppose, You for once give up your roses, t the Children see one rose. CYCLOMANIA. Carter IV. m ill off the ‘‘ Shoreditch Zephyr,” Pla ng neler tee mar pet ma smashes; still I feel re- y remember a of a man who met with a railway accident, and ht nothing of it at the time, ix hours afterwards. But I’ve got a tricycle ticket,” I point out, indig- nantly ‘* O’erjoyed was he to find That, though on Pleasure she was bent, She had a Frugal Mind.”’ She. “‘AND DON’T FoRrGET TO ORDER Six Dozen or tue very Darissr CHAMPAGNE YOU CAN GET, FoR OUR Dance On Tugspay Nxt.” He. “‘Bur toe LADIES, AS A RULE, DON’T LIKE verY Dry Caampacne,” She, ‘‘ No, Lovs, Tazy pon’r. No more po THe Wairens!” _ “D’you call this thing a tricycle?” Station-Master asks, with withering im sarcasm. I wish Sprocerr were here now to listen to the “Shoreditch Zephyr” being abused. Station-Master retires, and leaves the matter in Porter's hands. I leave a little matter (of a shilling) in Porter’s hands. Porter thinks a truck would be the best thing for the ine. k As a result have to hire special truck—cost, twelve shillings. The ‘‘ Shore- a Zephyr” is fast becoming a very expensive and unmanageable form of ightmare “| have to visit Station-Master’s office, and sign a paper about the “ tricycle being my own risk.” So it is, so it has been. —What are Sprogcer and Harxaway doing now ? At Brighton Station.—Heavens! Miss Fanny and her sister have been travelling down in the same train with me. They’ve t sight of me! And my coat is torn, my face grimy, and my hands a mass of dust and oil, And pretty Fanny HARKAWAY says, as if had happened, “‘ Well, and have you enjoyed your ride?” I assure her that ‘‘ nothing could have been * le the stirring tale of my accident for a more o une moment. Then I hurry off to see about my machine, and promise to rejoin Ciara and Fawwy at the di As it is now quite a quarter to seven, and they were due at six, having changed my attire, I am ing Fanny and Crana that it’s no to wait apy r, when we hear a sound in the distance. Yes—there’s no mistakin it—it is somebody “‘ tootling” on a trumpet; in fact, theve are two trumpete, and —o- to be tootling different tunes. dashing along on apparently in another minute Srrocezr and HarKAWAY are seen their machines. They are dusty, hot, tired, fearfully thirsty, but excellent spirits. “Never had such a splendid spin,” they both shout, as soon as they catch and | sight of us. Sproccer addresses me as “old stick-in-the-mud!” I believe he’s been . Ask him, si tly, if he has dined here. as ee 1 cane Gensou, sesaialiy; * teele & tet of ford 6a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Jury 4, 1885. champagne at I try to tell them about my accident. SPROGGER says no time to listen now—maust harry on to Brighton. So again, and are off with another wild burst of tootling. Ciara will think this “‘ bad Dragonfly form.” Never mind. T chall hewn choneo of harsowlng Wham evening with account of arte terrible accident. In the evening, after dinner to interest Fawwy Hanxawar in a conversation on politics. She polite, but inattentive. the shoppy talk on tricyeling which po keeping up, and which is something as follows :— . “What a glorious bit that was down-hill after Cuck- Mile in two and three-quarters, Beats a second.” - Lowgpms p ip oat whe Lillie Bridge.” ar ° N.C tev Sprogger. “ No; sy ye A. A.” Wonder Hameaway, as a barrister, isn’t ashamed of himself. Wonder what Harxaway’s clients (if he has any) would think of him if they could see and hear him now. Why not tell ’em about my spill now? I will. con pods bat, somehow, it seems ineffective. In fact, having told t think much of it myself. insicad of baring them ap, I've made light of it as a mere nothing. Quite surprised at my own view of it. aturally Srroecer thinks lightly of my danger, but wants to know what has become of the ‘ Zephyr.” He seems quite when I tell him it’s guadel, an. be. a kind of interest in it, simply because he recommended me to buy ts md Didn't you fall underneath ?” he asks, severely. at SE SERS, 00 Sar 00 3 seen Be | I flew over the Harxaway laughs eelingly, calls it “‘ going Cireuit ; ” but Sproceenr is still grumpy, and says,— “Then if the‘ al orien you assert, that ought to have broken her This is what fopeli a man to! Sproeger regards me Buffer, to “break the fall” of a ine when it topples over ! Fawwy Haraway proposes a “ nice little moonlight spin ” with her on her “‘ Tandem Sociable,” ich she and Ciara rides between them. I’ve never ridden a “ Tandem” in my life! Fawwy Harxaway sees my heritation, and suggests that ‘‘ perhaps I’m a little shaken after my fall.” Fall! Fancy calling an accident like mine a fall! No—not so much after as at the time. But it’s my own fault for pet harrowing , I'll show ‘ Tandem ” their feelings, and telling my own story badly. Fanyy Hagxaway what a hero I am, and will ride the * I tell her so. She says, “‘ All right,” and, when we 've | made t with her. got the Machine ready, she gracefully mounts on a seat in Query—How on earth am I to climb up into the seat behind, which is oo . “go higher ? by a tremendous effort! Miss Harkaway says, a ly Ss if she was us fora race. No, I cer- tainly am not ready. Wht nat I om fo be siding.» Sptapel again after such an accident as mine! I have to steer, too! We start off, and at once run post. Fawnwy Harxaway indignant. Asks me why aa t put on the break ? I tell her I don’t know where the break is on this inf—— on this sort of machine. She points it out, and asks me to be more careful. Under any other conditions, a moonlight ride alone with Fawwy Hanxaway would be romantic, but it isn't romantic now. We are going along a little better. Wily sep 5 oe eee? Am afraid of every cart that and nearly go into ditch to get out of their way. What frightful shadows the moon does cast? Hor- rible to Bave s Paty riding in front, especially a lady you care for, whose partly Conse s on your skill in steering. "Can't work the pedals properly nother minute, and I’m sure I shall off. hooeer asks me to stop. I do so willingly. meat, and then remarks, ‘‘ Aren’t your hands trembli don't know. I smile feebly, and say, 1S I don’t think so.” (Query—Am en” after my fall ?) os | a "says simply in the light ds use She dis- Pp” Am I really “very much think I would rather ride ‘andem’ a little more.” This is cruel of Miss Hanxawayr. I tell her that I’ve been near! killed in my terrible accident this morning (I think ‘“terrib accident” sounds well, and will impress her) and I am not fit for any further exertions. niently wheel the creature back to She with me, and I the So ends my first ( last) dey’s “ spin to Brighton.” Fayny Harxawar—“T reall until you ’ve the ‘ “Home, Swerr Home.”—Yes, by all means—only it must be sweet. a lamp-| then what is the use of cavalry WARFARE AT ISLINGTON. (A Visit to the Military Tournament.) * Dreamine of Angels ”—at Islington—we decided that the Mili- tary Tournament was a thing to be =. 7 arent taco, nd deadly it we cold a alw ; ays go to 't-hearted wap would bo easant kind of outing. But that’s not the tune that Joun Butt has to go to war to; and those are not the notes he has to “ out.” But this was not frame of mind in which anyone visits stantly pla only a pleasan of the great sensations of the week’s show. But the per- formances are, one and all, too long ; enormous and tightly - packed a ag wl = Th y for example, beca: ver — pagar «ode ve 0 rolock, out, ; partly 0 onlag a ion ae ar “ 4 Dann come to judgment!" Shake- BO deine oe ; pearian Collogusal Version. a oak P aan to their unwillingness to sit out the interminable lance-and-s contests, a couple “i wi which would suffice as far as the Public is concerned. On this occasion the Lemon-ecutting, Jent peeen and several other exhibitions of skill, were jadisously ousties aptain Dann seeing it was just on half-past five, when Entertainments had to be wound up by what we, who had carefully studied the Programme were all looking forward to seeing, i.e. the ‘‘ combined display of Artillery, Engineers, and Infantry,” in sealing an obstacle, cover- ing the construction of a bridge by playing the guns on the enemy. then the crossing of the Artillery over the se nowt y-built b ridge, and the storming of the Fortress, from which were mo whick, under the direction of Mr. Daw Gopranr, ‘might om a gallant music-stand, and blown out their ts’ brains with their Trombones, Ophicleides, Bassoons, and other air-guns or wind instruments. The was done with marvellous rapidity by the Infantry, who were up and over the wall as if half a dozen ~at bulls were after them. Quadrille might be cut out with advantage, as it is too sug- restive a the > Circus, and, subsequently, the absence of Clown is scialntel to create a feeling of disappointment. And able to dance quad on horseback, if the enemy won’t join them ’ Each Show—and there were two to-day—ought not to last for more than two hours and a half—from 2°30 to 5, and 7°30 to 10, which would be quite enough for all reasonable — They must have taken over eight thousand pounds on the week, and certainly it is one of the most popular entertainments of the Season. As for hay open Dann, who is eating oh day, even if he pe a to infantry he must be a hoarse soldier by the end of the ut as he is one of the Judges, how on the two last days he can have a voice in the matter at all is wonderful. He ought to be rewarded for a a Snssd tion from th Secretary of W had ex an oration e temporary ar, at Islington, who bears the classic name of Tutty, but Captain Maxcus TuLtivs was too busy for talking. There was plenty of material for Krxzro among the horses if they hadn't been so well trained and thoroughly in hand. Mr. Punch congratulates the Committee on the results of this year’s Military Tournament. - Be-Knighted Beings. pate Iil-informed Person. Why does Girapstone make Warts a Second Ditio. Don't know. P’raps ‘cos he wrote the hymns. First Ditto. No—more likely ’cos he ted the “* Hers.” Second Ditto. Oh, those long, sickly creatures—eh? Ah, they should have re-titled him as Sir GzoncE Gaunt, of Gaunt House. [ nt severally. @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or by « Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders.

Page 19

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NOW READY.— The HALF-YEARLY Volume of “PUNCH” (Volume 88), containing the Nos. from JANUARY to JUNE, 1885, in brown cloth, sprinkled edges. Price 8s. 6d. All the preceding Volumes, 1 to 87, are to be had in the same binding and at the same price. (PUNCH OFFICE, % FLERT ST., EC sae . —s_~ Tt ™/ - + 3 a Aa” FEUDAL Sh « =

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AVOUNLVYS AYBAZ GSHSIIENd

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Joty 11, 1885. BONUS YZAR—1885. WON-FORFEITABLE POLICK.S, LOW PREMIUMS COMPLETE SECURITY, BONUS APPLIED TO MAKE POLICIES PAYABLE DURING LIFE Bdéinburgh (Head Office): 19 Georce St Lendon: 82 King William St. ec. and 9 Uraig s Court 5. w. Clasgew: 64%. Vincent St. | Dublin: a Dame St Manchester : 4 Spring Gardens Lewerpool » C4 Exchange hens STERLING SILVER. ELECTRO SILVER. KNIVES. = TABLE SPOONS AND FORKS. WHOLESALE PRICES. CATALOGUES FREE, MAPPIN & WEBB, MANUFACTURERS, MANSION HOUSE BUILDINGS, E.C.; and OXFORD ST., W.; LONDON. Manufactory—Sheffield. Sta Fe Price as Scat ok a Perfumers and rid. “Agents, Rh. Hovex- pen a bone, Bh and Berners Street, Londen, W. fhe, boty of THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 82 PRIZE MEDALS. ANNUAL CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS 25,000,000 lbs. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. “4 SWEET SCENTS | LIGN- ALOE. OPOPONAX| FRANGIPANNI. PSIDIUM 2 May be obtained >. Of any Chemist or > Perfumer. v4 ond srree 2 _breathes a fragrance, \ Heattur Hovwses, asp How to Avor Invectious Diseases, svUcH as SMALL-POX AND CHOLERA. ‘The best Disinfectant known to Science.” The Times, on these subjec's of Cowpr’s Fivrp, Deodoriser, the A Sixteen-page Pam: which is the only ‘ect Best and C ectant, Comwpr's Fivip is not and has no Smell. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILK (PATENT), Por al) of weak digestion. Always bie asa tive and delici ous beverage CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILK (PATENT). For the Invalid. No digestion required. For Weakly Children and Con vaiescents Deiicious im coffee or tea. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILE (PATENT). By using exclusively this form of milk, the risks of infection, inseparable from the use of ordinary milk, are entirely avoided. SAVORY & MOORE, NEW BOND STREET, LONDON. Tina, 2s. 6d. each, obtainable everywhere. TADDY & CO., Lonpon. TAOOYS “You Syouip TRY THEIR, JAYRTLE GROVE,” SHERRY AND BITTERS.— Use KHOOSH BITTERS, oF King of Bitters. ee 4 eupersedin« Orange and all other kinds. Can be =e with advantage in all liquids. Marvellous appetizer. The only Ritters that really promote digestion. SAMUEL BROTHERS respectfully invite applications for PATTERNS of their NEW MATE- RIALS for the Present ~ Season, These are for- warded post free, together with the ILLUSTRATED PRICE LIST, con- taining 250 En- gravings, illustra- SAMUEL BROTH ERS, COLD MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, 1884, MEKCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTERS, 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpow, E. £6, ~ dy day 4 68 to 80, OXFORD STREET, W. SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. COLLINSON & LOCK and JACKSON & GRAHAM. The UNITED FIRMS will produce FURNITURE AND DECORATIONS Of high artistic character and the soundest workmanship, such as the educated taste of ds, and at prices that will mect the requirements of all classes. The cheapest Furniture supplied will be as carefully finished and in as good taste as the hig best-class productions of their workshops. RODRIGUES’ MONOGRAMS, wade CREST AND ) ADDRESS DIES Artistic Designs. All the Now and Fashionable Mote Henacore Evonavree, Partie, & lttcumarree, A VISITING CARD PLATB, Elegantly Engraved "1-1" eon RODRIGUES, 42, Piccadilly, W. CLUB EASY CHAIRS AND DIVANS. MANUFACTURED BY HOWARD & SONS, 26, BERNERS STREET, W. DESIGNS ON APPLICATION. OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL. ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDOM. Cer aiken NOTICE— = gr. ALBANS COACH Stanmore, 12.10; arriving at the at the Seorze Hotel, St. nD, it. Albans at 3s, reaching rlcevaiy at 6.1 > 18s. ; box seat, 0s.—For Time-Cards, a to W. &'A. Baxxs, Coach Office, Hatchett’s Hotel, Piccadilly. HEAL&SON. BEDSTEADS. $f. IRON FRENCH, from l0s. 64. 3m. BRASS FRENCH, from 48. BEDDING. MATTRESSES, 3ft., from lis. A NEW SPRING ‘MATTRESS, warranted ie x “Fin rent ep Naterea ft (att. setieas at the price. BEDROOM FURNITURE. PLAIN SUITES, from £3. DECORATED SUITES, from £8 10s. SUITES of WHITE ENAMEL, pimilar to that in the Health Exhibiti: ASH and WALNUT SUITES. rs £12 124, SCREENS, specially suitabie for bed-Rovums, 2s. EASY CHAIRS, from 35s, COUCHES, from 75s BOOKSHELVES, from 7s. 64. WRITING TABLES, from 25¢. OCCASIONAL TABLES from ls. 64. Tilustrated Catalogue Free by Post. 195 to 198, Tottenham Ct. Road. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY or ras STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. CHUBB’S ROWLAND'S KALYDOR | py » and is Cools and eshes Hot Weather, - ‘an, T presi joo dtings of Insects, a‘ beautiful com . Ask any ‘any Chemist for Rowlands’ Raiyaor. a ee aft fee ee ee [ee ee ee CO ee lk or @r scosecTp we .-h- el BPSsasp 235 prrerees,

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| Jovy 11, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT. I DO MY BEST FOR A FRIEND IN CHAMBERS. AM aware that although an extensive practice at the Bar has many advan- tages, still it is accompani- ed by several drawbacks, AM @mongst which must be enumera- ted that of being consi- dered an au- ov equal ’ at the very h- least to the Lorp CHANCELLOR upon a collection of miscellaneous subjects by one’s friends. I should — limit the friends to those who are laymen, as those who belong to the profession are less anxious to obtain one’s opinion, no doubt from feelings of jealousy, or even envy. Amongst my law- mtances, FogweLt used to be the most urgent in his = to my judgment. One day he called upon me at my Chambers as usual ‘‘ bothered out of his him of smoking accepted by my fellow tenants in common as a Solicitor anxious for my advice, but he soon dispelled that illusion by asking anyone who happened to come in the same question of law he had put to me, and then if the reply was different to the answer I had oa (whieh was generally the case), used to turn round upon me with the ungrateful exclamation, ‘‘ There! I thought you must be wrong!” “Yes,” he said, after a preliminary apology for knocking down my wig-box and disclosing its contents—some cheap toys for the boys at home—‘“‘I am almost dead. The matter of the sale of the land has got into Chambers, and I know that Coxe, StrPHENs AND Bacon, will make a mess of it.” ‘* Messrs. Coxe, STEPHENS AND Bacon are most respectable and able practitioners,” I replied, in a tone which was intended to impress him with the idea that I had known them intimately for years, and was their favourite and most trusted Counsel. “Of course, I know that,” he answered, testily; ‘‘ but, as you are aware, in Chancery most matters, when in Chambers, are entrusted toa Clerk, and Cokk, STEPHENS AND Bacon can’t be everywhere at once. What I am afraid of is, that they will hand over the matter to one of their Clerks, who doesn’t know the facts of the case.” ‘* What are the facts of the case?” I asked. I always like to keep my hand in, and to tell the truth, I do not receive a visit from a Solicitor, at times, for hours together. ** Well, it is something like this,” he returned, ‘‘I don’t quite know myself exactly how it goes, but you as a Barrister will be able to = it up at a glance.” bowed at this compliment to my professional ability. “T am a tenant for life of a portion of the property, when it can be realised,” he and I again nodded, to intimate that so far plain sailing, ‘‘ and the real Plaintiff is one of the Defendants, as the nominal Plaintiff is in reality a Defendant, because you ens he has a divided interest in the freehold as a joint trustee or some of the remaindermen who have mort their share undera pre-nuptial settlement, which, however, will be divided under a hodge- podge clause in the will of the testator. ’s simple enough.” gain I nodded, but this time rather more perfunctorily. we thought you would think so,” he ied, seemingly much relieved ; ‘* but the difficulty is, so far as I can make it out, that the are, by the particular custom of the manor, not barred in dower, and, consequently, are on a different footing to the property held in Kent under a Borough English tenure. Well, somehow on account of this there has been a clashing of interests, and the result is that we have had eight separate sets of Solicitors hard at work at it for the last five years. I su it couldn’t be helped—could it?” And he looked at me inquiringly. “My dear friend,” I pm g “if you are represented (as you say you are) by Messrs. Coxe, STEPHENS aND Bacon, you could not pos- 8. sibly be in better hand “Yes, I know,” he replied, mournfully, “‘ but there is 2 summons in before the Chief Clerk to-morrow about a right of way, enemas ct 0 hscmestee, a Ge Inensuatass 0 haystack, of something a other either wi s or the copy- holds, I do wish you would look in and wateh it.” life.” I was not always pleased at his visits, as he had a way with | been cigarettes and asking awkward questions about the number and nature of my Briefs. At first I hoped that he might be | inf Rather against my will, as I thought I possibly might be nised as a Member of the Bar (the , Ladmit, was a remote, as L have more te do with Common consented, and the next wended the Chief Clerk of Mr. Justice . After pasting custodians dressed in a garb something between the of a Commi & private in the Army Custom- House Music- Hall, I ascended several flights of stone steps, along about a quarter of a mile of dimly-lighted corridors, and entered a large room which was divided into two parts by a line of demarcation marked out by a barricade of folding-up washhand-stands, ee In a of Pa = 4 ood solicitors rom fifty, behind it was a stolid bat albeit amisble foking: geatioman of tie This latter I ascertained was i hed I met en, in various - tweed-suit of dittos of unexceptional broadcloth ey te emg ** No change of Solicitors , a8 if anxious to “ Well,” he said scree a ag: the affirmative. is it?” Immediatel "youth of very tender years a Fo —y tna he ould fen have 1 ey hpeed ae fifteen) most impassioned harangues ich 1 ever = ae listen. I was fairly astonished at the flow of the erudition, invective His words came of Rotten A or & rances in avoid mi sm indignant that took and whenever he paused for breath, as he did every five or inutes, I bowed my approval. At first he seemed inclined to treat my silent gesture of approbation as a covert insult, but soon seeing how earnest was my commendation, he accepted me as an ally, and constituted me the Chief Clerk’s assessor, addressing his remarks equally to both of us. I was flattered at this deference, and renewed my noiseless applause with increased fervour, “That may be!” at last said the Chief Clerk (who, I fancy, I regret to say, if appearances were to ted, may have been dozing) when he could get in a word eooe ; “* but that does not account satisfactorily for the fact that w! ordered affidavits in aes to be filed within three days, exactly two months and a fort- night has been eonsumed in thinking about it.” : Again Niagara began to flow, a renewed accompaniment of salir atenantaah derision. Onee more I afforded the e persecuted youth my hearty but silent . He proved, up to the hilt, that it was totally impossible to have filed the affidavits at an earlier date, and that, as to the future, they could not, under any cir- cumstances whatever, be obtained for at least another seven weeks. ** Very well,” said the Chief Clerk, at **T will look over the matter this time ; but mind, you mast have them all sworn and filed by the first thing to-morrow morning.” on “Thank you, Sir,” replied the now triumphant infant, smiling joyfully. There were a few mild and ineffectual protests from the others, and the matter ended. . pip I must confess I was a little astonished at this abrupt termination to the proceedings, the more > pene as I felt convineed from the arguments that had been by my learned boy and brother that the affidavits could not possibly be o in the absurdly short time specified. I menti my doubts to a gentleman of solemn appearance, who had taken no aetive part in the discussion. : ‘ Sir,” he replied, ‘‘ I have yet to learn what xe have to do with this affair; but if you are not connected with firm represented by Mr. Scurry, I think it my daty, in the interests of my Client, to protest against your unprovoked interference.” . * Sir,” I answered, angrily, ‘I am here merely as a friend of Mr. FoowkLL, and am very much surprised at so unealled-for an oe Ned Ta sed, § ly surprised, Sir, that ‘* And I am surprised, Sir, excessively surpri ir, you, claiming friendship with Mr. Foew id have given your entirely superfluous countenance to one of his opponents.’ “Opponents!” I exclaimed. ‘* What do you m Sir?” “I mean, Sir, that I am the representative of Messrs. Coxx, SrerHEens anv Bacon—vyery much at your service!” and he left the room. I do not know what the representative of Mesers, Coxe, Sterxens axD Bacow subsequently told Foowxx1 abent me, but it is certainly a fact that from that day to this oldest of my friends has deliberately cut me! Brrercess, uent and JUNIOR. VoL. LXXXTX.

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peti. “i , OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Jury 11, 1885. Professor McPhairrson, DULL ; Q. E. D. “No, Mrs. Browyx, 1T's NoT THAT we SooTcH ARE pur you Enoiism sez A Joke IN ayrraing! Way, THE OTHER DAY I was IN A ROOM WITH FouR ENGLISHMEN, ONE OF WHOM TOLD A STORY, AND, WOULD YOU BSLIEVE IT, I Was THE ONLY MAN THAT DIDN'T Lavan !” | PARROT CRIES. On, Cry of Tory, Cry of Rad, I hear you ere your time ; The Tory shout is faint and sad, And suits an artless rhyme. “Old England’s honour long is dead, Her wealth is like to die: The is off the rbread, TE beac olf he os rye!” To Radicals rg gave An eligible shout ; eir funny banners wild they wave, And shriek and strut about ; And still they clamour, midst applause From stump and e and van, “ We're fighting for the same old Cause, And for the sane old Man ! Toe Tories. what should be done ; te | d you like . do? re man, machine, or Maxim gun, Can pull "Old England through ? They only shake the solemn head, And parrotlike reply, ai it “a ¢ is off the ha aa loom ws off t e/” Ye Rads, what is the Cause you fight, You leave us all to guess ? And was the Man you brag of quite So splendid a success ? They hurry on without a pause, And shriek, as they began, “ We're fighting Sor the same old Cause, And for the same old Man!” The sea is strewn with waifs and wrecks, And wicked grows the wind ; Perhaps these matters cen not vex The philosophic mind. But Engiand yet one loves ; one sighs For , and would If aught would still the parrot cries Of Tory and of Rad! THE REAL WATTS, (A Biographical Disillusion ) Ir has been discovered, and demonstrated, that the real Brroy, and the real Setter, differed wary putty from the Brrow and the | b SHetvey of popular ‘imagination— did the real differ from the ideal Warts. Dr. Warts, in his peculiar line, stands unrivalled amongst English Poets. deal B. and 8. So likewise His poetry, besides its moral excellence, is distinguished by ocaguely more sublime even than that of the glorious Three-per- The great Dr. Warts has been hitherto reputed, with due allow- ance for his era, as, in his life and conversation, a purely angelic and seraphic doctor. Hem! Was he? Born at Southampton, of Dissenting parents, Warts accordiagly received the Biblical name of Isaac. styled the “ divine Writtams,” so Watts, As SHAKsPEARE has been the rather as having been . distinguished Dissenting Divine, might be styled the “ divine Isaacs.’ His name, Isaac, was by his youthful associates subse- dimen reduced to Ixey; a diminutive suitable to his physical imersions. He was not only very short, but also sapaeliy thin and meagre, — a statue erected to him a few years wens h as he = represents him, attired in his bands, and knee-breeches—an admirable work o In childhood sent to a preparatory school Guat by He Rev. Mr. e arly a & gown, commie ent. Icuasop Increase) he Ses a —ervenaes aptit sition of knowledge space at South- : a flowin at the acqui- boys, he was . Bat, like ver niably what our forefathers used Loe Fe * pickle.” One hot day, when his master had fallen asleep in his chair, young Warts, having procured a piece of white foolscap, of which he caused one end to eurl by a manipulation with a paper-knife, the other end to the hy his preceptor’s collar, behind. Wi a view to curry favour | chair pee one of Isaac’s schoolfellows “ split” upon him, and Watts, hours punched 0 though slight of frame was after school- his head. — gia at learning all his lessons that he had plenty of or amusement, and he devoted most of his leisure to the b biography of Buccaneer: and Highwaymen. ee fond as an playmates of youthful pastimes, being scarcely strong owe | to aaa soa with them at the athletic sports of cricket and football, icted aay principally to marbles. He was also a - a to “‘ pitch and toss.” Young Warrs was passionately fond of birds’- — of which he used often to to repair during the he iaaye te ley Common, in his time a wilderness. A reminiscence o early recreation may be detected in the touching line,— “ Birds in their little nests agree.” When he became a somewhat ry le boy, he betook himself to angling, and for that purpose would at the mouth of the tee ay 30 us te Wood Miil, tehen, where heat once hook: salmon 80 large that it pulled him into the water, and he was with great difficulty rescued from drowning by some rustics, haymaking in an adjacent meadow. He took a peculiar delight in dog-fighting and cock-fighting. though he considered that the former beat the latter. He justified this predilection by allegin sa an argument he afterw uced in with— for which permission he ious instinct of ‘aoe animals, the verses commencing “ Let dogs vent to bark and bite,” ed a reason logically unanswerable, as also for conceding the same liberty to bears and lions :— ** Por tis their nature to.” hele oe whatever modern critics may say, was obviously the and after original The child was the father of the man, See eet Giana w had created nee © Dele Watts would often, yr cms extended residence at ee ke, discourse county 9 upon his sporting experiences, in his arm- This wes" behind a long Pipe, with a tumbler “of rum-and-water before oan] al Wares.” Those who are now aware of it, know What ’s Watts.

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Jour 11, 1886.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 14, A MERRY MEETING AT THE ROYAL INSTITUTION, ALBEMARLE STREET. A RECTIFICATION. S-S-S-H! Ix our account of the Military Tournament last week we said that! ay Exhibition Road, South Kensington, they have been holding the Band was conducted by Mr. Daw Goprner. This was wrong. | what is called a. Deaf and Dumb Conference.” ‘This sounds rather Daw should have been CHARLES. CHARLES writes to us to say that, peradoxieal, and very pleasant. If silence is golden, a Deaf and in effect, ‘‘he’s Dan’d if he’ll be mistaken for his brother, who | jamb Conference should be a very Tom Tiddler’s Ground. As adnes the Grenadier Guards’ Band, while he (CuaRLEs) con- expressive of a mute muster, the old phrase ‘‘ A Quakers’ Meeting ” ucts the Band of the Guards, which played the whole make now take a back seat. If Parliament could, for a season at week at the Tournamen’ w, Islington.” The other Mr. Goprzey, | least, be turned into a veritable Deaf and Dumb Conference, a t the Dramatist, might write a piece, in one fraternal Act, on purpose | ‘« holy calm” would indeed reign at St. Stephen's, sittings might be for Mr. Dan to in, and call it the Danny Chef. Of course there a Boy *basknate done” indefinitely farmed, dllture abandoned ok on le aca nae ote" aa (mommy, tok Oat ren we i ft though it is for all—when they will cay,— oad Rw 1 Pippy a or humanity, if it can only lose the use o * Music’s the food of love! Give o’er, give o’er, For we will 54ton on that food no more.” All For Lawn. (By a Poetical Tennis Enthusiast.) Mummers Maligned. . sean as ‘ Day weather ! y bri eluges drowning, PI 2 eccrine sin l St. Swithin shall earn my best benison; Protest’ Bes Actor is a Gratien,” aes Ss. For when from long drought the green tarf is all Brown1no, Shortt eee PRTe we = t is not so nice to play Tenwis-on. Of advertising ‘‘ Gentlemen v. Players!” Op Trwes Reviven.—Bath is again becoming quite a fashionable Naval Saam Fiout.—There was one important vessel conspicuous | resort. At the end of the London Season, wearied Doctors who used by its absence from the movements of the Evolutionary Squadron, | to send their patients to foreign water-cures are now saying, ‘Oh, and that was the real Tug of War. goto Bath!” In the course of time Jericho will have its turn.

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hie mie otatia — Ses eo ? ae Tks Mie Pe } SAS a =. ae a 16 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jory 11, 1886. SURPRISAL OF THE FITTEST; OR, COMIC POLITICAL EVOLUTION—1 LA MODE. Scexr—An Official Antechamber. Hangers-on, Supporters, and quavel Outsiders in attendance on a newly-constituted Govern- ment discovered in the best spirits awaiting another and still later “‘ bateh” of Subordinate Appointments. A Sew distinguished Placemen on gloomily in the fore- ground. In a recess a Former First Lord of the Admiralty asleep. Enter a Private with a list. As he comes Secretary aoe. an ugly - is made at him, wy by: clears - way —— umouredly, and suddenly ing the sleepi ormer First Lord of the Admiralty on the thowlier wake Le up, amidst roars of laughter. Former First Lord (rising, and rubbing his eyes). Holloa! Avast there! (Looking round.) Dear me, where am I? Ha!—of course. But how odd, now! I was i ining myself the screw of a new fish-torpedo—something of my own invention; but for the life of me | couldn’t manage to revolve a bit, and I had placed a contract for five hundred of em. Lucky I was dreaming, for you can’t think how real it was. (Seeing List.) Ha! It’s out, is it? Settled at last! Well, I shall have to keep them awake at the Admiralty this time, and no mistake. a- a step or two of the coves, sleepily. Private Secretary. It isn’t the Admiralty. (Watching him pleasantly.) Havea guess? I'll give you three. Former First Lord (aghast). Not the Admiralty—when for the last fortnight I’ve been going up and down the river in penny steamboats from Battersea to Woolwich in a blue serge suit six | times a day merely trying to pick up a new idea. (Turning pale.) You don’t mean to say it’s—the Duchy of Lancaster ? Private Secretary. =i i fan than that. But there you are. ** War Office. (Shows him List.) Will that do? Latest edition of ‘‘ The Private Secretary ’’—as played at the Board of Trade. Former First Lord. Do? Yes, it will ‘‘do” well enough. But I shall have to get the whole thing up afresh. Why, I don’t know a idge; and I’ve just been reading up the Duke? (Seising on a for ad | a eg SF e e on a Jormer e of State for War.) Ha! You're the mantohelpme. You oll be Shrapnell from a Boxer such a capital little work on Sheet slightest ure to in it, of dongs, ond cnn coat gud me sp 30 Se © Former Under-Secretary. I should be quite v tween ourselves, that I know much about it—but the faet fortunately going somewhere else. Ha! ha! I can’t help la I hing thengh. Would you believe it, they ve set me down for the Colonies | Well, that is an astonisher ! want to F Under-Secretary (jososely) > tosng) ormer Under-Secretary . ou see (s “* we were boys together.” al hal But I daresay I shall stir up Former First Lord. The Colonies! Why that’s what your brother had. Hum—I suppose keep ’em in the family. [A Votee: * awa That’s it. some of Dexsr’s neatest work for him. Ha! ha! Waittill this gen little brother gets a good School Atlas, and then you'll see! in the Office The Member for Eye (hurrying forward). I oan let you have a own for I stuck capital one of India, very ; and it has got a lot of that you won’t find in any . I ean vouch for them in sp But, worse luck, they ’re all no ‘or the has bundled me out of Afghanistan into Whitehall. I can’t believe it yet-—(he turns himself round)—I’m a Civil Lord of the Admiralty ! iting the announcement of Have a guess’ our new and noble Presi- slighted’ —not, be- m™ un- That reminds me I must pick up a showy map or two, if only to hang up Serring to List). Quite so. at me— [General laughter. Former Under-Secretary. The 7 you are! But, I say— what will you do now, at question time The Member for Eye. Spend it with the Contractors, and I promise them they shall have it hot. (Mournfully.) But it’s - use talk there piteh a fair wicket at the back of the ~ ooegay f but where am,— well, CHURCHILL says, even if I can get the Mes- sengers to stand up to it, the onl bowling I s . get at all, will be in e th after four with the E office inkstands. ss The Member for Eye. What, are you off the stump, —that is, going on are making down- a Blow. right fun of us! Distinguished Cricketer. That’s just it. The fact is, when I was explaining to the Chief at a Garden Party the other day, and show- ing him with empty coffee-cups what the pitch had come to, he said tome, “ Leak here, drop all that, and we’ll make you an Under-Secretary ; and, if you’re at your post, you know, you'll be at Lords’ all day. That ought to suit you.” Well, d’you know, I thought that joke so really fresh that,—well, here I am! But I shan’t drop the game, | can tell you. As soon as the Session is over I shall e an Eleven out of the office with me, and we’ll go and play the three Presidencies one after another and have a look at the place at the same time. Technical knowledge. That’s the way I mean to work it, ‘‘ business and pleasure,” , if there’s any gate- money, it can go into the Budget. Here, shy me your map. I’ll have it. (Catches it.) How’s that, Umpire (Opens it out.) What’s the damage ? The Member for Eye. As J shall now be frequently saying in the House, I am not prepared to answer that question without pre- vious notice. But mean- time— (turning toa Double- Barrelled )—let us go to the fountain-head of commercial instinct and ask dent of the Board of Trade to name a fair price. Double-Barrelled Duke. What? Askme? Why, what are you thinking of ? What do I know about |/) trade? What has that got | to do with it? Why, you’ll |; be asking me next, whyI’ve } t an Assistant Secretary. Roars of laughter.) Ha, you may laugh, but I have, though. And as surprise seems the order of the day I think I haven't scored badly. Got him down ? Private Secretary (re- His New Dignity. Lord Fife sitting as an Earl of the United Kingdom. I have his name here. [ lays it amid roars and rears of hter, which are renewed > ae in as a You Ear steps forward, and in the hest footlight style continues to bow his acknowledgment Youthful Eari (smiling). You scem, all of you, quite ised to see me here; don’t you? (A Voice: '* Three Cheers for the Board | a

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Jury 11, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. of Trade Masher !”) Thanks, very much. Quite Miso 9 Sant night, ’t you know. ( applause.) hted to meet Harris —I mean Lord Harzis,—not Avevsrvs of Drury Lane. "CApplause| Anyhow, it’s my first appearance,—I was going to say on of trade— (laughter)—and — 4 at present, you w, I don’t disk I koow touch mane then Uae Duke does himself about the ae, _ome, = bad yet I know what D5 ay Bil a d ye == othe Live ot pile at home on —wh Fe replarpl sr: ah sad alk of theatre do hope y's going to re-open t . {td vero lupe, amid which, as the Private Secre- pleased and sooviel individuale, the une. —_— — PUNCH’S OCCASIONAL FABLES. THE NIGHTINGALE AND THE DRUM. A NIGHTINGALE sat piping on a spray, At the soft closing y in summer, When loud belabouring yd passed that way An idle Drummer. His rattling rub-a-dub the fiuting drowned. ** Pooh!” cried the Drum, ‘‘ you tootlers are not in it. I whelm you with the volume 0 my sound In a minute. “Te , sonorous, cyclic! T——” But here The Drummer halted at the “ Rose and Thistle,” And shouted for a tankard of small beer, To wet his whistle. The Drum was Ney the bird pi “O Drum, when thum: you: But all your blatancy is gone one stops beating you!” Morat. In are 1: loud acelaim and long self-praise, Time’s unerring equipoise, A titles i of i maeey outstays | Niagaras of noise! softly on. m the welkin’s greeting you, “STEADY, SIR, STEADY!” Mx. Puncu originates but never imitates. Were he inclined to do 80, he might authorise his Prime Minister to follow the lead of the Editor of the Pall Mall Gazette, who, last Saturday, the public against perusing its next four numbers on account of the ‘infernal narrative” which they would contain. Did Mr. Punch je bt — his world-wide cireulation, he would be inclined to ve us :— NOTICE TO OUR READERS. A Franx WARNING. We have determined to publish the most diabolically sensational story that was ever written or read. Compared with it the friskiest and riskiest of French novels is a dry study, and the most thrilling of English romances an ordinary record of everyday life. The illustra- tions will be scarifying! Therefore we say quite plainly to all who love a genuine story of passionate love, hideous revolting crimes, and the most cruel revenge, that they will do well not to look into Mr. Punch's But no,—world-wide circulation is sufficient for Mr. Punch, and es rman, ot a Teper of rons nor Toe — gz mon (ne A om py ya is appears, the the Poll Mall Coevtee walt a ety ae the rush for the will have been . keeps stead-ily in esh creep, and —~h.. Perhaps the end, which the P. M. view, may justify the means. “One in THe Ere.”—Ma. curse” “ ofl ox) eae be Se eee 5 Atetcea) wil again come A FUNNY MAN. My Whow feding Christan name of Perth, Altho See ttndest soulonearth, Is ouedaal of playing tricks. At school he aise got licked For —e ink-pots up with And one since then, been some- times kicked— You see, he’s such a Funny Man! One day his aged Maiden Aunt Come whom he expectations He made victim of a ‘‘ plant,”’ ba very nearly drove her Whilst she was in a placid doze, Her cheeks he painted mel and-tan And gilt her 7 RE nose, Now, is he not a Funny Man ? As he can swim like any whale, It is his favourite diversion To take his friends out for a sail Anh tome Ceash $5 6 OS Se mersi To ae them, as they splash und, Is ants of his facetious ; ) f course now and dro What then? He’s such a Fanny Man! I’ve sometimes found it hard to bear And harder still to blandly grin When—asked by him to take a I’ve sate down ona lengthy pn. This jest he s And vows ro I te its comical effects.— e’s such a truly Funny Man! A Bishop wrote to him to say He'd call on him next day at About a ‘s Mission, on its way Tochristen blacks at the Gaboon. Hicxs hid himself behind the door “— with a massive warming- Laid out tthe Bishop on the floor.— He is, indeed, a Funny Man! There’s naught M‘CoLtoquint —_ s beariy than Boxing t:— Its red-hot pokers, thieving boys, And buttered slid es are his delight. You ie, believe how many "ll practise with a water-can, age oranything tha soaks. — is a deuced Funny Man ! He’s never happier than when Inven — astute device To terrify men ;— Such as “tapleive ar A "bacca-box, Or ipatng electric fan, trul ful shocks.— He’s such pl nny Funny Man! And thus with harmless, kindly He brightens life for many a Who, but for him, would be op- Wi --4 and quite forlorn of He wrote his taph one da In waerish moed it ‘Gute “ Hie jacet-—Hicxs, I meant to sa — Dead, a alive, a Funny Man!” cards and Nexr (Raprcat) wove on Tax Inisn Cuess-noanv.—The Castle.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. {Jory 11, 1885,

THINGS CONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Mrs. Parker. “Br Tae way, Str Binge, we've JUsr sRaN YOUR FRIEND, Mans. PoPHAM, AND HER TWO PREITY DavGHTeERs! ” Young Sir Binks, “Have vou reatiy! ALWAYS MEETING THE Wrone Peorie!” 1 'VS BEEN LOOKING FOR THEM EVERYWHERE. Scon a Crowp, you KNow! OngE’s

THE NEW CAPTAIN, Steereman loquitur :— Gorse about? That’s jolly fine To patter of—when not : But hands upon the helm, like mine, Risky mancuvres can’t afford. A Steersman’s choice ain’t very wide, Must have an eye to wind and tide. Oh yes, we slated t’other crew ; hy, when a Cap’n’s out o’ work What better has he to do? Wit was a fambler and a shirk. We told you so, my mates and me, And now—well, we ‘re on board, you see ! Oh, we're all right, we ’ll keep her straight, But as to alteri ed hep catiens That’s sudden. You will have to wait. ara P eee re ing like remorse chevvying ap’n so Lor’, that’s sea-fashion, don’t you know ? Why, even he, for all his gab Couldn't get clear o’ Ben's old tack. It ain’t like driving of a cab P yp baw a of an old Park i who ’s got to steer your In these here pce y wk meee oy what. Gab's gab, but steering’s steering. Yes, T still 1 Veal was 0 om maintain WILL was a swab, And landed i

That is, not yet. We will with joy, When tide shall slack, and wind shall veer. Lor’ bless yer, a loblolly boy tell old hands how not to steer, But when it comes to stowing potion, And steering, that’s another matter Look at the sky, still thick and black ! The wind, too, still at nor’-nor-’east ! When we can make another tack I’ve no objection, not the least. But whilst that wind holds with such force, Must keep on pretty much this course.

A CxrericaL Query.—At the Canterbury Di Lord Crawsroox, speak- ing of Cathedrals, recommended ‘‘ that the cathedral bodies should send out preachers to isolated ; acourse,” he said, “which would have an awakening effect in the i ” One isolated Clergyman, letting cannot be wid

THE PASTORAL PLAYERS, Tre last of Society’s crazes, When gardens in Summer are gay, Is dancing about ’mid the daisies And acting a pastoral play. Though costumes archaic by Gopwin All feminine charms must eclipse ; The characters old and so odd win Applause e’en from Royalty’s lips. The scene to the playgoer strange is, You enter no Z ant halls, No longer your eagle eye ranges O’er boxes, and circle, and stalls. Bat here is a beautiful garden, Before us green turf is unrolled, As fair as the Forest of Arden, Where Rosalind wandered of old. A magical scene !—and so still is The wood, that no wonder we view Wild Cloe and fair Amaryliis, And shepherds all eager to woo. And here’s Lady AncHrsaLp acting One Perigot, certes with skill, . | While other parts not too exacting Fair ladies efficiently fill. pei ve Fuge” touring, e u j A ie of rustic apa ‘or tame they ’ve ne’er before seen. They’ y the bright Summer No shepherd shall remain ; And since they are re one feather Each shepherdess conquers her swain ! «i 1 8@1OH ANIM AHL SV DNOT SVY—YOR.L AWVS AHL NO daaM JSAR—UIS ‘ON

1} LQAOGV PNION,, “#ITVLavD ° (4eddiyg) Ting "ay ONION, OO AUV,, «4<«1Q08V

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\ & \ | \\ 3a \ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jety 11, N _ ~ THE NEW CAPTAIN. Mr. Butt (Skipper). “ ARE YOU ‘GOING ABOUT’ ?” Captain. **‘ GOING ABOUT! NO, SIR—MUST KEEP ON THE SAME TACK,—AS LONG AS THE WIND HOLDS!!”

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: w ee | ee eee | cee) ee eee ee ee ee a a 1’

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Jour 11, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 21 E LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS. J) LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS are a E sure preventive —_ inaction. _ LECTRO-VOLC TS are re- plete with vital energy. j\ LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS are quite irrepressible. Ke -VOLCANIC BOOTS can be worn by the greatest invalid. Kk. -VOLCANIC BOOTS once got on can never be got off. | Og ee IC BOOTS produce instant excitement. LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS kick automatically. 4 7) LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS will in- volve the most paralysed in a violent street-row. be 7\LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS make ‘4 lumbago a luxury. LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS accom- plish laps for the rheumatic. LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS useful at football. oe i LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTs. In- fallible at a Levée. HE its Scbsoription Dance. IC BOOTS, a boon at a Subscription LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS enable Supper the Wearer to h the = by leaps and — LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS, fitted with Spurs, will win the Derby on pe LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS are in- valuable at Business Interviews. K LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS in- stantly humble a Solicitor. 4 LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS make a Dustman courtecus. K YLECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS dumb- found an Income-tax Commissioner. LECTRO-VOLCANIC BOOTS rapidly etiquette. solve questions of medical pcm phe a IC _ greatly enliven a sick cham LECTRO-VOLCAN 1 BOOTS oreate diversion at a -break fast. LECTRO-V' I TS are a universal stimulator. “2 FLECTRO-VOLOARIC BOOTS. W. Ressror, West lag of 1914, Coles- borough Road, West writes :— - my: ven akon ing and unab columns of the Times Supplement read to me for more than six hours at a stretch, till I luckily was induced to wpe & pair of yoar marvellous boots. The result has been magical. I now can never see ~ _ panned gate or an yy without at- mpting to jump over it, and, owing to my daocing a perpetual double — from morning to night wherever I go, I have five times been ex: from the reading- room of my own i with force, and am now, in consequence apa a nine months’ sentence in one of } and has given much satisfaction. OUR ADVERTISERS. E.gorro-GaLVANIC, THERAPEUTIC, &O. oe DYNAMITAPHONIKON, ves CRADLE BATTERY. HE DYN AMITAPHONIKON. No up- roar is complete without it. HE DYNAMITAPHONIKON is. in- valuable in a Family Dispute. HE DYNAMITAPHONIKON multi- plies a hundredfold the power of the Human Voice. \HE DYNAMITAPHONIKON Breaks the Drum of both Ears, HE DYNAMITAPHONIKON assimi- lates the ane 1 utterance to the re- port of a Hand- as DYNAMITAPHON IKON renders monger the terror of the Neighbourhood. HE DYNAMITAPHONIKON will cause & weeyeres Nothing to Deafen a whole Dinner-tab HE DYNAMITAPHONIKON tarns a Funny Man into a demon. COUNTRY CLERGYMAN writes :— **T had long suffered from an exces- sive weakness of the Larynx, and, though in the habit of Preaching to a Congre- piss I had felt so convineel not lable I uttered could be one of yout cee present, that I purchased one poms priceless Instruments. Since I it, I have been told that rere “of ech Sermon I have delivered has audible, and, notwithstanding have, as yet, only given three, I have already quite emptied my Church.’ ; COUNTER-TENOR writes :— ** Having, through a certain want of sweetness and power in my two . taves, been hooted from the ‘orm every provincial concert I have mthendd ey for some me rar pat, Iv I was advised to The result ft been try mar truly sat oe ag My voice has retu with al pad pene flexibility, and I now have succeeded * gagement as a 2 Aol -signal in a revolving light on the South-East Coast.” ‘MEMBER OF THE IRISH PARTY writes :—" Your instrument is faper®, another dozen.” dl Ye pp ee y Ssrnonie™ apply to the STU RuOuR. AY FEVER. . NefaNT CTE mer ‘be afforded to with this mmalad suit 0: CHAIN 7 having recourse to @ “MAGNETIC CHAIN TR ~ MAGNETIC ~ CHAIN : can be worn either clothes. "io I have put on your Suit of Magnetic Chain Armour, I have not been able, for a single moment, even to think of Hay Fever. It has disappeared quite apg Teper or uite matter now that ve : to fasten the Helmet, while as to sneezing, I haven’t room to do i Broad | T. Sne BATTERY energises rae (CRADLE BATTERY compels the = CRADLE BATTERY entirely does away with thing Syrup. HE CRADLE BATTERY renders Teething perfectly unnecessary. HE CRADLE BATTERY is a Scien- tific, but Safe and Simple application the : Go mae reeently-dev mgeies of lectro-magnetic t ign Stierulation 0 of the Physical Mental Capabilities the Infant ra Oe CRADLE BATTERY. | Writing the North Utica Medical De- Saulter, Dr. W. R. Fruyyses, D.M.Q.8. says:—‘In cases of Growth, i have found this little ingenious Instrument advertised as invaluable. Weighing ony ca it is, I a say, eas ily a an ordinary ceaunette, an I believe, in ie all pansstehore it has boon used it has uced Se Se most interesting and thay 81: PATTERY stupifies the se De y-time Ts BATTERY wakes the in the middle of the Night. THE ATTERY sends the Baby’s father into lodgings. HE CRADLE BATTERY enables the Baby rapidly to breakfast on Mutton Ops. HE CRADLE | Bat TEBy hurries on the Baby’s Hair at f\HE CRADLE paren | brings it off again at a gallop. HE CRADLE BAT ater | surrounds the Baby with Dynamic Forces. Dts Nene CRADLE Batt RY obliges oe Nurse C:) a approac y rpue gee BATTERY dam BATTERY fells the am. pee ante aa or ? ‘ aby’s J\HE CRADLE BATTERY stimulates all the Baby’s faculties. HE CRADLE BATTERY makes the anxious to get out of the Cradle. CRADLE “BATTERY when not “reid ‘or the Cradle, may be used effectively against Barglars. HE CRADLE BATTERY can be utilised for blasting purposes. de CRADLE BATTERY may be re- ed as an effective Torpedo. er PORLDLE BATTERY is a power- d bee: CRADLE BATTERY gives the ightof136candles t hey - LE BA Y will kill « A ° unmg For further to the Gomguar'e Werks, Rector, Mane s the by’s

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Jun 11, 1885. THE WOLFF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING. (Uncle Remus’s Latest.) [eee London Correspondent of the Matin telegraphs te that paper the report of a short conversation he had with Sir Henny Daummonp-Wotrr. In this the English Commissioner declared that he had not as yet had a final interview with Lord Sa.ispury on the subject of his coming journey. Sir H. D. Woivr added that neither he nor the Government had any preconceived ideas on the subject. His mission would, above all, be to on the best terms with the representatives of the other E Powers in Cairo, and to endeavour to find with them a solution of the present con’ The problem, according to Sir H. D. Wowrr, is not so difficult if goodwill be shown all round. Asked whether the statement that France had asked for a proximate date for the evacuation of Rts with a pledge given by herself not to occupy Egypt or to allow any other Power to do so, Sir H. D. Wourr replied that he was ignorant of any such demand or pledge, but that he was convinced that d Sa.issvuny would treat the question with justice and moderation, and with due regard to the susceptibilities of other Powers.—Standard. } “Dez animils en de beasteses,” said Uncle Remus, ‘* gettin’ mo’ on ms’ sorter wntamilions wid Wanner idey bimeby ole Brer Bull he kinder hed his hans’ full er tryin’ too kip | i Cnr, pape cuma’e ie “Was Brer Bull the asked the little boy. } S8SgS EF 1S 48 re

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Jouy 11, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘BUT LORD! THEIR CONFIDENCE ! *—Pepys's Diary. Fair Stranger (airily). ‘‘ ANyruHine SprotaL In THE ACADEMY THIS YEAR? WHAT ARE THE Best Tainas on THE Linz!” ‘Our Artist” (vaguely). ‘‘ Ming ang Huna, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE OTHER FeLLows!” Rabbit he Brer Bull’s right pam en oe oo him Gran’ Ole Man & Rabbit, ’cose he mighty ole en mighty palaversome, en he persuade de beasteses ter make frens en live naberly. But bress yer, honey, dey wa’nt cut out fer dat kinder bizness, dey make a alashuns, en dey laff et Gran’ Ole Man Rabbit soon’s he wuzn 4 “I tole yer Brer Rabbit wuz a monstus soon beas’ ; leastways, dat’s wat I laid out fer ter tell yer. And in dem days Brer Rabbit en his fambly wuz at de head er de gang w’en enny racket wuz on han’, en dar dey stayed. But some er de beasteses dey sez Brer Rabbit wuz er gettin’ too ole, and too gran’; dey sez dey didn’ see whar’ bouts he wuz gwineter fetch up at, en dey oe speeches, en hollered, en cusst, en flung der langwidge ’roun like wen yo’ daddy wuz gwineter run fer de legislater, en got lef’. Dey say he like Brer Possum, en love peace cose he fraid er fightin’. En dey say all de forrin 1 8, Brer B’ar, en Brer Bull-Frog, en Brer T in, de out’nes man er de who! g, en de strongest, en even Brer Turkey-Buzzard ez wuz pow'ful weak, but sorter giv’n ter play it sharp on Brer Rabbit, all of em so kyar’d on matters ez ter get der best ev ole Brer Bull.” * And did they ?” asked the child. Dey ain’t no smart man ’cep’ w’at dey’s a smarter,” said the old man, oracularly. “‘Brer Rabbit’s chilluns dey minded der Daddy. Wen Gran’ Ole Man Rabbit say ‘Scoot,’ dey scooted, en w’en say ‘Scat,’ dey scatted. Dey did dat! rer Rabbit’s enemies Ph Apetnec un ’ n des like dis nohow ; dey sez Brer Rabbit en his chilluns wuz de cusser de Country. Folks w’at’s allers en bodderin’ longer dat w’at ain’t dern, don’t never end. Der wuz Brer Wolff, stidder mindin’ un hi he hatter take en go in pardnership wid Brer Fox, en dey wernt y a minnit in de day dat he wuz’nt atter Brer Rabbit, en dey kep’ on en dey kep’ on twel fus’ news you knowed he got koteh up wid—en he got kotch up wid monstus bad.” “I thought the Terrapin was the only one that fooled the Rabbit,” “* Better lemme tell dish yer my oun way. Brer Rabbit ain’t see no peace w’atsumever. He can’t foove heme “esp Brer Wolff ’ud make a raid, er Brer Fox ’ud come" loupin’ roun’ de naberhood ter try’n tote off some ov derfambly. “rer Bison and Brer t wunted der place ev Gran’ Ole Man Rabbit—stood by en kinder laffed, en de udder beasteses dey snap en dey snort en dey cavort roun’ like all der time. Dey say Brer Rabbit’s way wid de forrin beasteses wuz all wrong. Dey wunt ter make frens wid Ole Brer T , en Brer Turkey-Buzzard, en dey say Brer B’ar he wuz wantin’ to fool Brer Bull, en Brer Bull-Frog wuz deceitful en greedy. Dey swear dat ef dey had der way, dey'd. jes tie Brer Bull-F; y wunner his behime legs, and mek Brer B’ar mek hisself mighty skace kerblink-kerblunk en bridle en ride Brer Alligator, fer all his big mouf en chompin toofies, ez easy as Brer Rabbit bitted en bridled Brer Fox wen he rode him ter see Miss Meadows en de on de peazzer. ‘*Den Brer Fox and Brer Wolff dey sorter palavered on, dey did, twel bimeby Brer Fox he up’n say dat he done got plan for ter ee Brer Rabbit. But none un um wuz brash nuff for ter ketch up wi Brer Rabbit. Brer Rabbit ain’t see no * w’atsumever. Brer Rabbit got mad, he did, en cust, en he went off. He sez, sezee, ‘I'll done gone leave de whole affair to ’em for a time,’ sezee, ‘en see how dey git erlong,’ sezee. ’ here *You been runnin’ roun g time,’ sezee. ‘ You bin cutting up yo’ berhood ontwil - come ter b’leeve yo’s’ef de bosses ev de whole gang,’ sezee. ‘Try it,’ sezee. Den Gran Ole Man Rabbit he lay low and tuk a rest. ‘Den Brer Wolff, en Brer Bison, en Old Brer Hare, en de rest o’ der udder beasteses felt mighty conflobusted like. Only Brer Fox he wuz ez peart ez a bee in clover-time. En he sez, sezee, ‘We must lamm away,’ sezee, ‘like we enjoyed it,’ sezee. Brer sassin’ atter me a mighty capers en’ bouncin’ roun’ en dis na his| Rabbit went skippin’ "long home, he did, des ¢z sassy ez a jay-bird ata sparrer’s nes’. Brer Bison he sez, ‘ We gotter look like we meanter cut up didos wid Brer B’ar, en holler wahoo to Brer Bull- Frog, en saddle en bridle fe Ate. like we said we would, en fuddermo’ get familious wid Brer Tarrypin en Brer Turkey-Buzzard, How’m we to begin ?’ * Den ha Ao to sen’ Brer Wolff ter take de measure ev Brer Alligator’s back en mouf. But Brer Wolff he sez sezee, ‘If I done go right away like I am, dey ’ll look at me mighty suspectious like,

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a? or, . tpt 7. eecee 1 ee igs SN =: . Sidi > ss : ~ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Jury 11, 1885, Your Pont-PoLz sTICKs—YOU LOSE YOUR GRASP OF IT. RIVER PUZZLE. WHAT ARE YOU TO po? *spechly atter wut Brer Bison en Brer Fox have said ey Brer Bar en Brer Bull- Frog.’ ‘So dey palaver longer wunner em dey fotch along a sh a en dey wrop it round wee eee Wal like it wuz his own, and dey tell him to look like butter wouldn’ melt in 7 i mouf, en Brer Rabbit i I aad en de fence cornder a watching “And did Brer Wolff bridle Brer Alli-| gator?” asked the little boy, as Uncle REMvs paused. *“Dat’s all de fur de tale Bagh ter now,” replied the old ae. mout, en den sgin he moutent. -g Ry of mighty smart, but nex time Bo my | im he may be in trouble. des hole oe breff, en wait.’ A Perfect Cure. Arwres and Custom Houses! Brieut, wiles. to Passy, the world's curses In fast the _ ~ ee world would be all right, If, ay = 4 eae Trade and abstinence from figh Basens could but brighten it, and Passy pacify. So does Qvery ror THE “ ee Loypoy News.”— Good picture a of oe arto ered not to be confounded by any ’ARRY for the Hamer of Hafghanistan. Are both there? If so, ficiently prominent. What's rabjeet foc Vax Denes! EGO AND NON-EGO; OR, ALL MY LI. (Result of attempt to read Herbert Spencer.) ‘* Here We Are,” beyond all doubt. That ’s a fact you feel you know. Tree oly to moony -' out, t at you find no go. Now—if anywhen elsewhere, That is neither = nor there— we are. How came we so? Came, you say ; but then, by ‘‘ came” What do you suppose you mean ? Answer you: “ From sire and dame” ? reply, more quick than keen. How can one self come of two Other selves? Have I and you, Each, halves put together been ? Half-a-Self is nonsense. One Individual Self divide ! Stands to reason can’t be done. Pari need from either side, I should be a tertium quid. If I am so, call me squid ! Yet I must have once begun. Hoes "I, “Non-Ego,” you; that would be. **1” you say that you are, too; Also that you are not me. You ’re another—put it so. I , how re) ago ? ere We Are,” a Mystery ! A GeyTLeMay Bg ky a rule, goes to every Concert throughout the season, had the mis- fortune to skip one RrcntTEeR "Coneert, and then went through an entire afternoon of Waersr. He has since been suffering from a sévere strain. The Gladstone Umbrella. We've long been accustomed to “the Gladstone Bag,” and now, after Lord Rosz- BERY’s speech, some Liberal tradesman will, bably, advertise the Gladstone Umbrella, t will be a carriage one capable, like charity, of covering a multitude of sinc-ere Liberals, The caninised Latin inscription on the handle, suitable to these dog-days, might be :— Rosebery . patule standing-up sub-tegmine rolly. Lord Satissvry’s reign may be only a * little summer shower” after all. On the Cards. ALL ee Governments, nearing their Of Titles and Stars Desens liberal donors ; And those who have lost te political “ tricks” Hope to win by politi *‘ honours.” A Svaerstion to an Emrvent Vocatrist. — When next Mr. Sms Reeves apologises for being unable to appear, he should not de it by telegram, he should send a note. One of his sweetest and best notes—he has still got a whole chest full of ’em—would be required, and, of course, the note mnst be a high one in order to compensate the audience for its of a tenor. Waar 1s “rae Mosicat Piren ?”—Any- one, who is not a perfect equestrian, will soon obtain an answer to this question if, as an amateur, he will go to the Life ing School and join “‘the Musical Within the first ten minutes he will discovered what ‘‘ the Musical Piteh ” is, pt we hope he’Il like it. @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contrihutions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless secompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. be Sie es i 2 = e-@ a”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jusy 11, 1866, the Waters continae to be supplied to the QUE CAUTION. —The genuine Labels “ Fountain” Trade Mack, and all “J. Sonwerre & a GOLD MEDAL. INAHAN’S «1 wie oo Lt See WHISKY. HOLESOMB. PRIZE MEDAL, OUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREBT, LONDON, W. IBERTY CHAMPAGNE. TISSOT FRERES’, Vurtaes 1890, 57s. and 66s. per Dozen. IBERTY & CO., ing Gardens, Charing Cross. | }: RIZE MEDAL WHI the CORK DISTILLERIES CO., LIMITED. PRIZE MEDALS | FOR "IRISH WHI: igo Metal Teor ie etal Face First Puree Pries Medals, Cork, TE) ERY Ane, full flavor a and Centennial 1 yRQU ABLY as fine Juroee Award, Cork Sxhibition, 1888 OLD IRISH hod of the principal Wine pal es ce RK DISTILLERIES Co., LIMITED, Morrison's Island RANSOMES? i NEW AUTOMATON.” NEST LAWN MOWER IN THE WORLD. new Ratchet Driving Gear; La Open Cylinder; Patent single Sere my najustencne: ery light in draught, and wilt eae youms Carriage Paid, and a Month's Trial allowed. SOMES, SIMS, & JEFFERIES, L4., IPSWICH. INNER, woe sneer L|FTS, A, _ BUNNE NETT & CO., one Place, W., and 30, Ring St, London, B.C. PROSP ECTUSES FREE. VOLVING STEEL SHUTTERS, HIGHEST WARD ~ jv AA) Of | for selon PALATABLE NATURAL \PERIENT WATER. A POSITIVE CURE FOR STOMACH, LIVER, AND KIDNEY AFFECTIONS. ‘The best household and specific fur CONSTIPATION. Descriptive Pamphiet with post ‘ree. Bold by Chemists, 1s. 6d. and 2s. per bottle. Mecerar Brreee Waren Comrany, Limited, %, Suow Hill, London, B.C. - “e ” SPECIAL TO LADIES. SPRING FASHIONS. One of most agetel and attractive of Be pe Fashion “ SPENCE’S LA St FASHIONS,” which Messrs. James Tx & €o., the w cfs Soar’ oa Sik Mercers, of 76,77, 78, and 29, St. Paul's Dpilcatt , will forward gratui itously to any lad ation. Our lady readers would peeocming * BoA taste in perusing Cue EATEST S ONS.” Patterns are “yy oi rections are given it; reea the es, together wi various styles, wee prove ol of having the new Wholesale City prices. —Vide Lender AMES SPENCE & ©O., 16, 77,74, and 79, St. Paul's Churchyard, London, E.C. TO SMOKERS. BEWLAY’S CELEBRATED INDIAN TRICHINOPOLY CIGARS and CHEROOTS with Straws iS Sra re a flavour and ie _ de Lat. bes Bold at ents oy SEGUE den EPPS’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTING. sure “SPENC TO BE OBTAINED EVERYWHERE. Manufsetured by JOHN GOSWELL & CO. London. Original and Genuine WORGESTERSHIRE SAUCE Lee ingue Gecest Baar twat, Landon” aud Bipore Slmes Retail by Dealers in Poeces Uirougnont tne World. Unrvensatty Passeucese st tus Faouurr. TAMAR INDIEN CRILLON. A laxative and refreshing Fruit Lozenge for CONSTIPATION, H Bile, bp mew ame f A ite, emorrhoids, o. ppeti Prepared E. GRILLON, @, QUEEN STRERBT, CITY, LONDON. and the usual never Bor in as aes Chemists and Druggists. 2s. pe incleded. BRILL’S SEA tid. per Bath SALT. purgati uces ot or) 4! Invigorating and Refreshing. LUNN’S 3 “trocrs. on aatee ia “o* COLLEGE SAUGE. a r ,« “tes Rucuser sep Prearst Conpiment. SALAD 16 PERFECT WITHOUT IT. Manufacturers: THOMAS LUNN & CO., Limited, WORCESTER. BEST & SAFEST DEN 60LD BY ALL CHEMIST AND PERFUMERS, IN ELECANT CRYSTAL TOILET CASKET price 2/6. 7 OS7207" ALSO IN ext “MELOCK WETALLIC BOX = price ]/- NO fs 9 pepe. — CSS L SAty lFace 7 Fry Guaranteed perfectly pure Cocoa only. NINETEEN PRIZE MEDALS. ’*s Cocoa Extract. FLUID MAGNESIA. The Inventor's Pure Proparation ls. Hotties almost usual size Gin Jauzs Munnar & Son, Temple Street, Dubin Batousat & Bens, Parringdéou Beet, London M°CALL’S PAYSANDU OX TONGUES. “FOR THE BLOOD I8 THE LIF.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. procmeates wth ode Ge Net On eee whe Sores of ai! kinds s bhin and ‘a'Diceanes ite are marvellous ° | pe In bottles 2s, ce oh. "Se te for 3 Sihann, wt , Fae Limcous amp m, - 1, Linesin. Covntize Dave Cour of dx THE LAWN MOWER 7 Five ee UNSOLICITED TESTIMONIAL ‘SEASY” the Steward of the Earl of Shrewe- “ Alton Towers, May All dzes from 0 is. to 3 in. kept in stock ot 7 - Roy to any lronmonger or Svedeman, the Bole Licensees SELIG, SONNENTHAL & ©0,, 0, Queen Victoria Street, Loxnon, he. PEPPER'S QUININE AnD IRON TONIC and Digestive PAT RENGTH, EN ERGY. Gives great oe — Be ¥-*- yp Digest on having Parren’s Tonle. THE NORMAL DIURETIC APERIENT Ai a Mineral 4 7 \ ae:

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ssuitne a> foul

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Juxr 11, 1885.

PPVVC CTT TTT TT TT TT TTT TT eT eee errr ~~ } Atrasp Biao & Sows, Bir- > mingheam, will send on FREE. 7 ceipt of address, POST , ; pe J San and ae aba

“NONPAREID == anon ys kas mo cqeal = nested tesone ny tage» Lanes pene om FAST PILE—FAST DYE | VELVETEEN. pay srt and cost only a Seehe, , h oo in all Qualities “4 ys from #0. to 0s, per ya Gd. to Gs. Gd. =~ Roe kee, aor oe "aol “NON Crain, St 8 ba: bd. Por yard frond. ‘DECKETT'S 'W Fruit DRINKS: Analytical Be ort oe I be Bye Rosrocn, bm surtoati; an 5., » Manchester md free sy anything brcxrrr's "SE VERAGES to are bon- intoxteating and form pleasant and je nealtn ebay dvinke. The Lime-Prait #yrap, Blac

@c., make capits ’ Summer drinks mized w th either piain or strated water. The‘ W Cordials and other spirits.” All Kinds ex Tonics, Pints, ls. 64. (sufficient for 2 tumblers) ; Half-Pints \e nge and Quinine, Pints, 3s. ; Half- Pints, ls. 0d. > Lime and Quinine Hops, Pints, 2s. 34. ; Half. Pints, le. 34. Bhould there be any @ifficulty in ‘procuring any of the abvve, write to the Mana rer, ECKETT, MAKGHESTER, who will send Two Pinte one’ upwards to any address, carriage paid, on receipt of P.0.0. by Chemists, Grocers, ard Coffee Tavern Companies. Loxponw Darér—ss, FARRINGDON STREET, F.C

; > a , 7 Z q terine, . are excellent substitutes for Brandy

Of the INTERNATIONAL Tue COLD MEDAL sears ATs ExT, HAS BEEN AWARDED —_ / Benger’s: equals this in genera) utility. For Ladies’ Dresses, beautiful quali - speabeae Tk « } ttromg, Is. 24. 80 Sn the Jard. For Gentlemen's ‘wear, Souble 4 BRIGHT HEALTHFUL SKIN AND COMPLEXION ENSURED BY USING oobi oe ry a —— = _~ a=

Printed by W liam SasaialnaiaannaAaeaalinaediiiiaan RES Tia eect ls tae Pastes ct'Sk beldns Ong of Lenten dasennes, hy a PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. gn oe

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cD

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NOW READY.— The HALF-YEARLY Volume of “PUNCH” (Volume 88), containing the Nos. from JANUARY to JUNE, 1885; in brown | \

oor fi cloth, sprinkled edges,” Price 8s. 6a. All the preceding Volumes, 1 to 87, are = to be had in the same binding and at the same price. (PUNCH OFFICE, fs, FLEET ST., B.C ii ne . | > - . a; oh ) ren icah wedveteae NTL 7 - “SONSd SBSINHL FBONd

> x WwW > uJ Q w rt ” ma 2 a a —_~—— JULY 18, / \l ’ ‘ ae C\\ = ih ty Sn SS Ske Fs : Ta AS YS — nN y ilo at ih i UID a7 J f - : ‘ ‘ whe Hib’ Yi . 4 ’ . ee ml Ws WAU li weieyees \ & Hh \ N A ) ‘ 4% i Dp S i } ave " é | b : : " i = Y “mR " of PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,

AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSEL! ELS, * COMPLETE SETS of “PUNCH,” from 1841 elegantly bound In blue cloth, giit edges. 44 Yearly Volumes. “Special Price, £26 4s. Also, the, Library Issue,~in 22 Double Yearly Volumes, strongly bound In Leather; gilt edges, 1841 to 1884. £22 173. (PUNCH OFFICE, %, FLEET ST., EC Registered at the General Post Office as s Newspaper.)

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Ber. 5 Seige Se PS dee Pez Pairs sacihinn AIR eh gti’ We tinages, et eee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Joxr 18, 1885. ' RICHARD BENTLEY & SON'S WEW WORKS OF FICTION. AT ALL BOOKSELLERS AND LIBRARIES. New ready te 5 vel... crown Oro, THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF quasererars KIRKLAND. By Mre Lree Li» Auher of “ Patricia Kembali,” “Under Which Ler” ae By the Author of “ The Wooing 0 4.” A SECOND LIFE By Mrs. Atensroen, Author of “ Which shall ¢ be?” @c. 48 vols, crown Oro. Py the Author of * 4 Drews Game” A COQUETTE’S CONQUEST. Py Boon, Acthor of “Love the Debt,” a. 8 vols. , crown bvo. In 1 vol., crown 6vo. ESTHER. By Fraxces Syow Courton. 6. In | wel, crown Ore. DOCTOR GRATTAN. By Wn- tism A. Hanwond, Author of * ” kal.” Be Ricnane Beneov & Bon, New Dartingto on Stree@ Publishers in Ordinary to}: er Majesty Lhe Queen. Just Ready, the AUGUST Part of “THE SEASON” LADY'S ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE. A JOURNAL DEVOTED TO FASHIONS EXCLUSIVELY. Price SIXPENCE Moothiy sumervus Paper Patterns, &c Sow Heatiowh, ie. Mesthiss ‘iene Published at 13. Kedford Street, Covent Garden, W.C., London, and t be obtained fom af Book- sellers Newavendors &c. TADDY a CO., Lonpon. “You Syovp Try THEIR, eA vacien Grove.” A. I} The “Four Seasons, A sweet Tobacco of the highest class, excellent either in Pipe or Cigarette. Manufactured In Bond by W. D. & H. O. WILLS. “ Sweet when the Morn is grey, 99 = Seweet when they've cleared away Lunch; ond at close of Day Possibly sweetest.” (Calverley) THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 1825. BONUS YEAR —1885. 1g Accumulated Fund, ‘popiaip Apea.ye snuog —~ o : EDINBURGH, 3, George St. (Head Office). LONDON, 83, King Willam Street, B.C. - 3, Pall Mall East, 8.W. DUBLIN, 66, Upper Sackville Street, Bassom Orrues ax Acenctzs um Levis axp TEs Cor)r ise. SAMGEL BROTHERS respectfully invite applications for PATTERNS of theirNEW MATE- RIALS for the Present Season. are for- post free, together with the ILLUSTRATED PRICE LIST, con- taining 250 En- grevings, illustra- men, Youths, Boys, and Ladies. SAMUEL BROTHERS, MEKUMANT TAILOKNS, OUTFITTERS, a&c., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lowpoy, E.C, Cntidres'’s . “4 Hemst:tched CAMBRIC Sz: #1: Gents’ i ax. meta tthe * The Cambrics of Robin- son and Cleaver S wea Grown Print UN Seuchoant no Ie Queen Price Lists free. ENE oe HANDKERCHIEFS. BROOKS’ MACHINE COTTONS. | * Avoid Complicated Foreign Braces.’’ THE CREDENTA SIMPLEST AND BEST Men and Boys. Prom ls, pair; ego lage Srom 4s, of Hosters, (Wholesale only, 16 & 17, Cheapside.) CONDYS FLUID. ‘The best Disinfectant known to Science.” The Times. *® | CONDY'S FLUID Makes no Smell. CONDY'S FLUID is Not Poisonous. CONDY’S FLUID, the Only Purifier for Cisterns. CONDY’'S FLUID, the Only Cheap and Agreeable Disinfectant. GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR — The lovely nuance feair ef any conwur by = Sold oniy by W- WINTER, 672,0xford Bt, Price 6s. @4., 0s. 64.218. Por seen one'an baal Hair BRINE is invaluable. AND HOWARD’S PARQUET FLOOR COVERINGS. IMPERISHABLE AND ECONOMICAL. 26, BERNERS STREET, W. Wedding and Birthday Presents, TRAVELLING | DRESSING ot rledngs Morocey, with wy yt £5 be, hy th SETS FOR THE WRITING. TABLE, in Polished wens, 6 Unxidised 1 eam anu ‘china. De SPATCH B JEUK CASES CAN DLESTIC KS. a Choice A-sortment of Lngtish, Viennese, to £5. Parisian Novelties, RODRIGUES, 42, Piccadilly, W. OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDOM DRESS FABRICS AT FIRST COST. §—BRADFORD MANUFACTURING COMPANY, BRADFORD, YORKSHIRE, onuahe bi highly of of the advan - pay Carriage to part of the ningdom on ali orders over £1 7 ue. The B. M. Co. obtained the Highest Awa at the Health Exhibition, He suas aD aDDaee m rete. Write at once, and mention “ tusch.” GANGSTER & CO., Umbrella —_—o Queen and Koyal Pamily, have for this sea on « large assortment of EN Robe CAS PARASUL® and SUN UMBRKELLAS, ne and colours, compel ing their much- En Tous Gus tor Pétes, Flower fs OR A Uy ol Neel THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON & OF CHEMISTS &¢ EVERYWHERE QUEEN. CAUTION.—The penuine Labels be: “ Fountain ” Corks branded “ J, Sonwerrs eo Theso Whters continue to be supplied to the ne eae GOLD MEDAL. SODA WATER. POTASS and LITHIA WATER. GINGER ALE, DRY and SWEET. MALVERN LEMONADE, SELTZER WATER. _ os

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Jury 18, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 35 probberbly be the most importentest ewent of his long rain, wen it WIMBLEDON WHIMSICALITIES. comes, which may it be a long wileoff! namely taking up his free- dom in the Grate City! Ah, was summut like a site, that was, I wunce did good Mr. Hover. the Liberaryan, a little service in gittiog him a nice plate of clear turtel wen he was jest about dun up with ard work, so he k t» eqneedge me into the batiful Libery jest before the rty cum. So | seed it all. The fust thing as struck me was the startlin fack, that as a King EpparD made the fust and nm ‘of all Fish Markets, and the Prince of Waates natrally took « in t in it, as his honnerd name wood suggest, so his yoothfal Son and Bair insisted on heing made a Fishmonger afore he was made a Cittizen. But lor that wasn't all that was n-cessary to he dun, Pringe or no Prince. The Loup Mane is that partickler in all these most himportant matters, that hefore he wod allow the aye bat Royal Eppaup to swear loyelty to

him as King of the ity by the and titel of Fowier the Sod, he AL. . demanded to know, knowed as he was wot he said he was? Associa This nat ~ a “— r life of ~ young Feb Al ~~ , munger at net re was no less ; i* than four blooming Common 1 clothed in butiful blew its. e dresses, as boldly stood furth, ony jest pail with their awful ; ~ responserbillyty, and bold aid as they him to be of good 4 fame and un, was the reel son of his Father 5 fa ’ and Mother! Ah! to see a fame nile of that prowd and na. WI. ‘ NI butiful mother was summat to ret even after dinner, and as 28. . ; ~ for the Prince of WHatzs he larfed as if he thort it was a r- SASS re : cappital — ? Then e same four bold counselmen, to show as how they was in . and reel ernest, o ve out “‘and so sa of us,” bu : 1 t, ought to have shouted out ‘‘ and all of us,” but be os Wyldsdadt Chin ts the Wihows fe ust they were that nervous that they all made a mistake and sed ‘‘ and . dite nd (Betract, Regulations.) Fay ang ! witch I shood call quite a new wersion of a werry L Well, then follered one of the werry commiclest seens as I hever seed. Whether the Lorp Mane knowd as I was in a grate urry and

ss wanted to be off to Chingferd to wait on the Plummers company, of — coarse I don’t no, but I don’t suppose as dy hever a meg- atffisent for about 900 Princes and Princesses and other immi- ment swells, polished off at sitch exprees speed as that ’ere one was. Why, the hole copious Maynew and all the warious toasteses, and all y, the gratefool ansers to’em, was all got through in about a hour! Dido’t sum of the reglar old uns jest grumbel at wot won on 'em soatat called this most onnaturel aste, and a reg’lar waist of good wittles / r post Some of the lady wisiters was grately disappinted, for d’recly the royal famerly left the All, about harf a duzzen pleacemen marche Post | al famerly left the All, about harf ad \ hed rac} in and stood gard over the Royal Table. So there was no oppertunity Dress for them to show their gu«hing Loyalty by warking off with the he ’ ; xe flours and the frute as Royalty bad left. 1 dessay the Copperashun tary” » Gah wy. eat knos best, but, tho’ I’m only a humbel Waiter, I caru’t help saying ‘Wool |} i 41) > wm . $ ; as that anythink io the natur of urry is quite out of sorts with reel ok \ \ or nay Nong no more agrees with it than Shampane agrees with ' vi ” ur p. 4 -~ . . vial of c=\. “ay So much for Munday, Royalty and urry and grumbling. But on he i Ye whe Weosday, down at the Inwentorys, I asisted at a werry diffrent ve pub R, ( we pn6 Va. ; 2 scene. There wasn’t no Royalty to be sure, but there was Nobilerty te ay / and there was Hart, and there was Literytoor, and there was Beauty A to give Phillips to the wits—one on ’em sed as the ladies was like the poars AN 7 new Cabs, all Hensoms and no Growlers—and as helligant a maynu ne ursery Aggregate. as the most fastidgeous Alderman could reqwire. There wasn't no rella ae io ee. k there, quite the mae, the wit was so keen, and the fun r, have _—— cf) tf y, >: and charf was so jolly, and eloomenated fountings and trees and CLAS, moe NT cee | RG gardings was so evenly, that all the worry full drest and ansom and uch- ' a appy compenny lin and lingerd on till they was amost locked in. ae = Far ger quite make out wot it “— all about, bat I think , mas e . TSBs ~ . —— ik ind of hexperyment jest to see if a nice set of peeple - iS : eee ~<a ar ae coulda’e dine together pretty cumferabel without no Tostes and no + 4 ia nL it oe eh speaches 934 I) di t, "POR i It was, of course, a werry bold atempt to make. and required a OD . f NES man with the ordassity of a Nite Templer to do it, bat he did it, and it’s sucksess may make a nearer in the istory of Dising. I'm 7 = — oatrally myself werry mach awerse to all change ia this most D Sight Elevator. with use of Spirit . important of all hearthly matters, wun uever nose where it’s to stup. Level. I wunce herd of a bawful idea to employ nun but dum waiters! so S one that they couldn't hear not nothink as was sed, but it never came to nothink. But most suttenly, to my simple natur, dinner without vo ON, NOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER. | 70st seems ou ea erat lh of dinweradation Miieuie to Ix there's wan thing as I likes more than another its wariety, and | conseeve. Rupeur,

thinks [ am bound in henner to say as [ gits plenty on it. On y I seed sitch a scene as I never seed afvre, and can scarcely “OQ ‘Tempora!” ope never to see again. F, his Royal Hiness the Prince of ° HaLks, and her Koyal and butiful Hiness the Princess of the same, Toxp fibs two years ago? Why, that’s no crime! d amest all the Royal Famerly, camming to Guildhall to see the Cries Ranpoira, ** I shan’t think of an apology.” or ¥ Prince—who ewery y calls by a different name, but Consistency ’s a mere affair of time allus means to call Eppaxp, eoz it was aRD of And Conse just a question of Chronology ; i memmery as foundered —e 4 Billinagit, in the prise af the But surely Truth, to mest new Obligation ’, tion's Art, but this buy y—go through what will Requires a new Statute of Limitations! “@. IXXXIx.

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2, liad gO. Pe (Jury 18, 1885, = — NEVER SAY DIE! Ethel. *‘ Dowan'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL RATHER Sick?” Tommy. *‘ Yea—a-sor I tixs ras Feevive!” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL AN INVITATION. (Imitated from, and commended to, the “ St. James’s Gazette.’’) Come, then! and, if you can, Forget the Grand Old Man, His craft, his cunning, and his casuist tricks, Which he calls politics ; Forego, if bat awhile, the bonds and rules With which Dame Party fools The smartest scribes in Town, Making them play the clown. He, for the moment, does not stop the way, So let us have a littie frank fair play. The Tories, glad and hale, In Office now prevail ; Young men as Ministers are bursting out ; Lies still are blown about By ragiug Rads inspired by Party spite, Aad Jingves, fierce for tight. Rat, bless us! Summer's fair, Roses blush every where ; Why keep up a perp-tual fizz and frown ? Come! turn it up, and let the Old Man alone! Sines Rawpotpa, smart and young, Rules, backed by Land and Bung, How can we come to | special harm P Has chivalry no charm Eternal nagging, like fool Bottom’s roar, Becomes an awfal bore. A truce to shricks and squeals! Poor spirit it reveals To spout perpetual Party Fi-fo-fum. Leave that to duffers; try good temper! Come! Mr. Puwcn’s hearty congratulations to Sir NaTHANTEL dE RotrascaiLp, who, last Thursday, made his ap - ance as the first Jewish Peer of the Realm in the House of Lords. It is on record that he lo -ked particularly aeat, quite “natty,” in fact. As, according to the vene- rable ancient rite, he took the oath covered, his Lord- ship might, had he cuo-en to change his name, have assumed the style and title of Lord Hatton, Most ApproprtaTe.—The real Member for Eye should be Mr. CaitcHeiT. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, BXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, July 6th.—Parliament met to-day after recess for Ministerial re-eke'i ns. Everybody but Wirew Lawson in high bumour. Wi Fatp not been home very long, but long enough to diseover he cau’t trast the new Government. So gives notice of a Vute which, if carried, would turn them ont. ** You weren't particularly fond of the last Government,” I said to him. * Precisely. But that only shows how entirely free I am from oy : n the Lords, the Markiss deferential and conciliatory. Appeals, with tear ia his eye, to Lord Kimpeatry to bear witness that he never meant to postpone Dissolution. K:mpexter bears witnes« accordingly. Caknanvon, the new [rish Lor)- Lieutenant, annvunees Government don't intend to renew Cvercion Bill. “1 say, Aspsovuns,” said Lord Casrigiows, addressing a gen- tleman with white hair, ruddy fase, and ready emile, “ i«n’t this a little odd ? ~S-ems uncommonly like as if the Markiss was guing to adopt policy advocated by CaamBeutaiw aod Ditke aad found too strong for the Liberals. But that can't be. Yuu'd mever stand that.’ ; ‘ ** Why not?” said the new Peer, with look of bland inguiry. “ Why, I've heard you ia the other Huuse hint at awful things if Graperons let the Overcion Act lapse.” ; / * Pooh, ! dear hoy, you are discussing two entirely diff-rent persons. That was Eowarp Gipson you are talking about, and yeu are ing to Lord Asmsovesz.” The MoCcvivem Moas watched with sardonic smile interchange of courtesies between the two Front Benches. disposition to cireumstanees attending change of Ministry; desire to F “but on Friday Ill see if 1 can't make things more lively.” Accordingly, gave notice to ‘‘ call attention to circumstances attend- ing change vf Administration.” In Commons, BuaDLaven appeared, positively for the last time in the history of this Parliament. Affair ye dull. ** If the House is comiog down to this,” said Sergeant-at-Arms pulling off pearl-grey gloves, ‘‘ sooner it’s dead and buried the better. Here I have been practising the waltz step this morning with the thermometer at eighty in the shade, bought new gloves, put on best pumps, and Baapiaves walks up and down the House like ordinary Christian!” ae a God deal of speech-making, interspersed with little promenading by Braaptaver. Bat whole affair very tame. ATTORNEY-GENERAL made maiden speech. Great hit was his allusion to Harpince G:rraxp as ‘“‘ keeper of Queen's conscience.” Pretty to see WxB- srEa’s look of astonishment when House laughed. Hadn't meant to make a joke, and hasn t yet seen it. : Business done.— Thirty-four Votes in Committee of Supply. One notice uf Vute of Censure. Tuesday.—Most affecting scene to-night; scarcely a dry eye on the crowded beuches. GLapsTone heen talking in kind and gracious manner about new Ministry; RixpoLpn, with voice trembling with emution, throws himself ou Oid Man's breast, and discluses his long- dirs bled love. ** Most con-id-sid-siderate,” he says, through his sobs. ‘‘ Most mag-mag-magnumimous,” Sume people had hinted suspicion that Giapstonz would act otherwise. But not Lord Ranno.pas. It was vot for him to obtrude his notions upon the House. He had, indeed, in times past, success- tully concealed them. But now the flood-gates had burst, natural emotion would have its flow, and Youth and Age were locked in fond embrace. Jzsse CoLiines didn’t get over the spectacle for long time. Three hours later, rising to speak on some other question, be addressed the astonished Speakex as “‘ Mr. Mayor.”

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| | | Jour 18, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —_ iY == Y Yy il yj Yi, Mi, y! Aivteas YY) Vj, i ‘ \ ————— | . # - Av Y Wy ya ALE ay \\ vad + a\ PUCK IN OFFICE. ‘*GRNTLES, D> NOT REPREBEND ; If YOU PAKION, WE WILL MEND. Awnp, as I AM AN HONEST Prck, lF WE HAVE UNEARNED LUCK Now To '#OAPz THE SeRrent's ToNovE, WE WILL MAKE AMENDS ERE LONG,” Midewmmer Night's Dream, Act Y. Be. 1. — member of the Party. Overpowering argument this, as bearing on question at issue. LADSTONE obliged to note it; so, smiling benig- nantly on his young friend on other side of the table, he p Benes. I was then twenty-three years of age.” _ “Only twenty-three!” said Rawpotrn, with note of admiration in his voice at this fresh and striking testimony to Giapstone’s versatility. ‘‘ Yes, but so remarkable is the genius of the Right Honourable Gentleman, that it would not be extraordivary if, at the age of twenty-three, he had dominated the Tory Party.” Beautiful all this. Tempting to linger over. Almost as touching | as the deprecation by Sir Micuaxt Baraca of desire on of Tories for Cvercion Bills in Ireland. ‘* We do not propose,” he said just | now, ‘*‘ to renew any of the provisions of the Crimes Act, because we object to exceptional legislation of this character ;” and he wondered why, when he was so grave, the House go into paroxysms ut laughter. Business done.—Government secure for public business remaining days of Session. Wednesday.— Quiet afternoon with Navy Estimates. The calm

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red PUNCH, OR (Jury 18, 18865. THE LONDON CHARIVARL rea ruffled once by lynx-eyed Lassy, who wanted to know why, when there is only one Queen, there should be five Reval Yachts, ** Woulda’t mind an additional yacht or 80,” said the Sage of Queen Anne's Gate, “if only they were used. Bat here’s a yacht cost £200,000 to begin with, £56,000 spent in repairs last year, £3 000 more wanted this year. Wages going on regularly, and yacht scarcely ever out of harbour.” Rather strong case this on face of it. But it’s all right since Lassy got only thirty-seven bers to follow him, 128 supporting the Vote. Another ripple about Hosart Pasna. “A agitator in this country on behalf of the Turkish - ment,” cried Sir Groner Campsect. ‘* Who pat him on the half-pay list ?” * Not 1,” said Lord Georex Hamittom, “ Only just come in. Must ask late Government.” * Not [,” suys Carne. “* Don’t know the party.” Nevertheless, here’s the Vote. Commiitee not with- out suspicion that Hopagt Pasna may have already peacies a quarter's salary or so. Evident bewilderment. appy 1 yn BA GLaDsToNE not present, so inquiry re’ to stage. Business done.—Navy cectee omatiiel, Thursday.—No doubt about Grorere Hamriton’s courage. Has frequently faced Giapstows, and now, at few moments’ notice, taken command of British Fleet. ‘* Not that I would have done it without assistance,” he modestly says. for that with Markiss when avpointment offered. ‘ mae 9 theseuany good man as Civil Lord, and I'll go anywhere do anything.’ ‘Who'll you have?’ says the Markiss. * AsumeaD-Bantvett,’ says I. ‘ H’m!’ says the Markiss. ‘I wanted Asmmeap myself at the Foreign Office, or, if I could make up my mind to spare him, val have given do him to the Colonies, or the War Office, or In fact, he’s one of those men that wi anywhere.’ ‘ AsHwesD-BaxtTLert, or Admiralty,’ I insisted. ‘ Very well,’ ‘if it must be, it must be.’ i ‘* Bat what’s the matter now,” I going to leave you, is he?” ** No, it’s not that. It’s Lawwox,” said Lord Groner, nervously tearing a piece of paper his copy of the Orders, and laborionsly folding, refolding, measuri and shaping it. ‘* Was to have been here discuss Navy Estimates. Couldn’t come. here to-day. You know he b-fore passionate public meeting at i Pond, that as he had attacked Naval Administra the late Government, he would not us, Means he says too. Terrible fellow when starts. Here he comes, and with trousers turned up! Bad sign that.” And Lord Geores nervously tore up bit of paper he’d just formed into perfect square. “* Don't be too hard on Hewny,” I whispered in Lenwox'sear. ‘“ They’re young in office » ** Well, since you intercede, Torr,” he said, with little curtsey, “I'll let ‘em off easy. But must teach them my eye ’s upon them.” Pretty mild after all, but nothing to what he might have been. ‘‘1’m pledged to the English people, Tozsr,” he said afterwards, “‘ and I'll keep my bond at whatever cost to personal feeling. I told them at Pendleton-in- the-Pond to rely upon me to keep the Navy straight. They are relying, and they shall not be disappointed.” And Hewry smote his manly chest, took in another reef on his starboard trouser, and flashed on trembling First — of Admiralty an eye that gleamed like a binnacle ight. Business done.—Beacu brings in Badget. Friday Night.— What's that ?” I ask the Markiss, asa sound of melody floated through the Corridors lead- ing to the House of Lords. “Oh, it’s | The McCcrium Morz, coming down to make a speech. Old privilege of the Ancrits, you know, that they may enter De preceded by the Family Piper. Here he comes!” Sure enough he did, the Pi first playing “ The Campbells are Coming,” then MoCuttom Morgz, with head thrown back, “‘ Pride in his port, and orange bitters in his sherry,” said Roszszry, little thinki what was in store for him. Three times they , the Piper finally halting at second Bench below the Gangway, where MoCuttvm Morr deposited himself, and, after one tremendous whirl of Pipes, began. Prodigious speech. Everybody wrong, ially Rosepery. Late Govern- ment ess; present Government doubtfal. Dismiss everybody, and leave everything to McCuttom More. After this magnificent oration, everybody strack dumb—everybody bunt Roszpgrxy, who, young and audacious, actually chaff-d his High and Mightiness! Business done.—Duke of Ancytt thoroughly enjoys himself for hour and quarter. IN THE TEMPLE GARDENS. Wuenre blossomed red roses and white on the shores of the swift-sliding Thames, Which no traffic of Trade had then stained, where the wrangling Lancastrian railed, And the cheeks of the choleric Yorkist flashed ruddy with hatred’s hot flames, Oo many a crimson-dyed battle-plain doomed to be death-blanched and paled ; Where revels and feastings and pageants of times when the Tudor sat high, Have long given place to the pacings and er of students-at-law, There now, on a soft summer «ve, under Babylon’s blue-dappled sky, For ~* driven clear of foul reek as the wind-winno heights o’er Loch we; A sight may be seen which would startle the Tudor, and move with amaze The rese-badged Plantagenet ruffler. e roses, alas! are now rare ; Their red will not freely unfurl amidst London’s mephitie grey haze, _ Their white cannot snowily spread in the City’s dull smoke-laden air. Yet green grows the grass as of old, and now, footing it featly, you’ lI find, Not dryads or nymphs, nay, nor even fine ladies from me or Court, — Bat seantly shod street waifs of London, pale mites, frowsy-clad, but with mind Fall set on the madness of frolic, absorbed in the rapture of sport. Scarce Lazanvs stretched in the shade of Shedad’s eastern Eden might look Mach than London’s small Arabs at play in this learned retreat, This cloister of secular black-robed recluses and slaves of the book, Whose verdurous hush is unbroken by sounds from the wheel-harassed street. The rap of the racquet here echoes, the flash of the fast-flying ball A white o'er the green of the turf. With the sound and the sight there are bient The laugh of the ragged young romp, and the street-urchin’s cockneyish call, The vision of fet weney slum-dwellers sprawling in restful content. Polished mock-Pastoral Players, who pose ’midst the woodlands of Coombe, Less gladly inhale the bland air than these frowsy-clad thralls of the Town, Who tumble and scamper and whoop where the spindly niums blvom, And — plane trees and limes of mid-London at mid-summer shrivel and wn. The town-children’s small rus in urbe! There toddlers impatiently wait, There ten-year-old nurses, o'erburdened with animate bundles, abide Ex the clock’s Open Sesame ! when through the big iron gate band may break over the turf in an eager tumultuous tide. “Please, Sir, what time is it now?” So the faint childish treble appeals, And out of a wan face the wide wistfal eyes look up into your own ; And, in spite of the tatters and grime, what a flush of warm sympathy steals To the of the well-to-do watcher, if haply that heart is not stone. No Arcadian prim pic ueness ; the brush of a CaLior might find Fit theme in these emalions, grubby, grotesque, and unkempt ; Yet here is far wholesomer stuff for the brooding prophetical mind, ' Than much which the artist has pictured, than much which the bardling has dreamt. Sir Josuva’s roseate cherubs, the muslin-clad modish child-swells : Of Mrtxais and Sant are thin visions comp with yon pallid-faced mite ; Bat her soiled cotton-priat hangs in loops, in the purlieus of Drury she dwells, And to her the trim Temple parterres are an all-too-brief dream of delight. Shout, scamper, and squabble, poor waifs, though the eye of the dainty may turn, And the ear of the sensitive shrink, at the dust and the din of your sport. Let shallow-souled sentiment gush of child-dwellers by brooklet or burn; Thoughts deeper, if sterner, are stirred by these throngs from the grey City co Red roses and white of old times did less grace to these gardens, be sure, Than the urchin-troop, towzled and loud, that now whoop by the waters of Thames ; And our Tem to-day do far better in giving glad hours to the poor, Than though flashing in front of the fight for the making of glorious names. 1"—.4 Book for the Rail is the second title of this am certainly be ab breviated by an Irishman into a temper, although the Author to being SzaRLEy ~ + |

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Jury 18, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 29 THE EARLY GOOSEBERRY. nce the Times —— each turn, the master of the house, who is generally holding his tail in an effort to stop him, acting as a useful om. Lasbely who has stayed several months in a country mansion, where one of these clever and lively creatures is k will con . But it is when three or four of them combine that the most re- markable results follow. Then I have known the whole contents of three upper storeys, together with the staircase itself, ety gh has | pletely down into the hall in a single afternoon. Though it is ye Season which is entirely at its disposal, may be read with some interest :— Thum pyng-on-the- Braine. Sir,— The remarkable and really wonderful dis- plays of instinct, as de- scribed in the entertaining * letters of your various Corresponden’ for the last fortnight des- canted at length on the } Common Domestic Blue- bottle, impel me, as an enthusiastic cultivator of strange pets, to relate my own most recent, and perhaps most curious, experience —namely, that of the habits of a fall-grown Central African Hippo- po One having been sent tome some years since when quite mously in a horse-box, I had kept the creature in a su on my own premise wn pr “* in the house,” feeding it at interv: i rough a grating wi w so tame that it would take a sack of hat these quiet but much maligned set down as lacking in intelligence, is well known; but I can only ) cal experience that the charge has no 1 As a case in point, I can vouch for the fact that, on one occasion, forgetting to let my knowing African friend out for his little matutinal scamper about my lawn—a privi allowed him—he at once backed out bodily throug his rustic, but strongly-built prison-house, carrying away with him fifteen square yards of solid masonry half the rovf in accomplishing his exp: study window covered with brick-dust, only to go through the floor erash, into the wine-cellar beneath, much to After this interesting occurrence, strangely enough we were in the habit of finding all our cucumber frames frequently dest utterly as if some vindictive person had crushed them purposely with asteam-roller. At tirst I dismissed in turn several of my but the strange annoyance continuing notwithstanding, my mind—for the frames had been repaired, indeed, 1 might say I had not long to wait. Scearcely out, but I notieed my mischief- the corner, and approaching the over a bed of varied geraniums as if to stretch his legs,1 saw him deliberately near the end frame, and then, as if enjo roll head-over-heels backwards and forwards severa seventy-five feet of handsome glass, wood-work and prize vegetables, and after the whole was little better than a flattened pulp, quietly ience. Ne regarded the gl surface to the Nile to be fee ~ ave since parted with my o ri ie, who took hie off when I think of them, strack ligence he displayed before assure you, forgotten our playful I am, Sir, your obedient Servant, J. B. Homprerawalrs. The Phenomenal Club, 17th July, 1885. our Correspondent’s inte- uteness and intelligence of the much abused testify from my own practical with chains, bolts, bars, and oit, finally walking in at my instantly, with a heavy loving friend quietly walking round Tal ‘x11 ing the pastime, times across the retire as if refreshed by his ex I am inclined to think that sented to his view as the nearest the neighbourhood ; and though favourite to the proprietor of a travelling m my hands with a bonus, I am even now, with the various signs of really active intel pany. My ve not yet, I can Srr,—I i respect, roting caeh of the aa ippopota: manner down-staira, I have instrument tight) backwards, slides t, carrying away a few banisters the month of July, and Parliament is still sitting, fee that no apology is due to your readers for supplying them with quaint and timely information, I beg to subscribe myself, A.most an Eyr-Wrrness. POETS CORNERED. Tue Annual Meeting of the ‘‘ Wordsworth Society,” held the other night at Rutland Gate under the indefa le presidency of Lord Hoventon, though an evidence of m prevalent intellectual activity, at the same time discloses some curious facts paeeh, pest Sa” To fetus oom ke beled mepered eooseah od Gn pages c. To judge from riefly accoun' - om iit alll al that for ius to have an enthusiastic fol- lowing is not such a very enviable fate, afterall. After one or two playful all-round hits in his best style, the noble » proceed - ing to deal with the special idol of the evening, commences what ht be fairly termed his masterly attack on by expressing his inability to understand why when he (the speaker) was a Cambridge Undergraduate, WorpswortH excited, as he undoubtedly did for a brief season, any enthusiasm whatever. ith this regular back- hander to set off with, the noble critic finds, oqgeventiy, no difficulty in following on with more in the same line. There was, he says, no reason, as far as he could see, why anybody should have laboured to elevate either the — name or his works; and he adds, almost dolefully, farther down, not only that “* the extreme familiarity ” of the Great Master's diction had in it something uncongenial to the literary minds of every period, but that that fatal artistic defect was, eearets ** accompanied by something that looked like vulgarity of ught.’ After this regular pail of cold water delivered at his reputation, it would have been reasonable to suppose that the unoffending Author of ** We are Seven” might have been mercifally dismissed. But no,—Lord Hoventow had still something still more stinging in reserve to say about him. Once more harping subacidly on the Great Master's ‘‘ extreme familiarity of diction,” he moreover maintains that the sentiments which it represented ‘‘ were of a very ordinary character” (sic), and ‘“‘ unassociated with any of those stirring, deep and passionate emotions with which Burns was saturated. And looking back,” he continues, as if to give the selected idol of the evening a sort of finishing settler, ‘I think we feel that more strongly from that one great deficiency of the faculties of WorpswortH—total want of sense of humour. No man with a sense of humour could have exposed himself to those occasionally jast criticisms of the almost comic positions of some of his characters.”’ After this there really does not seem room for much more to be said, though it is only fair to the distinguished lecturer to add, that he concluded this severe and scathing criticiem with the candid admission, amid much laughter, that if asked to name ina Lady's Album the greatest poem in the language, he should un- hesitatingly set down ‘‘ The Ode on the Intimations of Immortality.” Notwithstanding, however, this tardy compliment, it is evidently no joke for a poet to have an evening to lt at Rutland Gate. Wedo not clearly recall what its accompli owner made of Gray and CoLeriper, but we would strongly advise him, if he contemplates the immediate worship of any living genius, not to deliver his panegyric before submitting the rough draft to a respectable Solicitor well up in the law of libel. The Ban-Crofters’ Bill. Nexr Saturday Mr. and Mrs. Bancrorr bid farewell to manage- ment. As wise as they are clever. Most women have their one chance ef marriage offered them in the course of their lives; and most rs have their one chance offered them of retiring with a fortane. krupt or Baxcrorr?,* that is the question”-—and they have shown in this step, as in nearly every other, their good jadgment. Mr. Puncis throws the old shoe after them for luck, and i them a thorough enjoyment of their well-earned repose. Brow vy. Harrow.—Sach a lot of ’eatin’ at Lord’s. The 5 were not pupils, but a tly all crammers. Glad to see that Etonian GosLine ose mate is name, meade twenty-three, and so didn’t come out with a ‘‘duck’s egg.” All Cricketers must be Con- servatives, as they would never vote for abolishing Lord’s.

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OR THE LONDON CHA RIVARL {Jcry '8, 1885. , [a ‘ — an ~ = = Ny, Syl Wal fv “44 bys i 2 é Lh r \ wr 4 ‘A / >, me) adhe | M4 ifs / any , P Le VE SB A A, | et a yrpld Tal f Vi) &4 , y/ R > a! Bg , THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. She. “‘ Wovtp you mimxp ruTtinec my Lawn-Tennis Saors mn your Pockets, Mr. Green ?” He. “‘l'« avnarp Mv PockETs ARE BARDLY BIG ENOVeH, Mies Giapys; suT I sHAIL BE DELIGHTED TO CARRY THEM FoR you!” HOW BRER RABBIT LOST HIS FINE BUSHY TAIL, AND HOW BRER FOX COT INTO SERIOUS BUSINESS. (Uncle Remus up to Date.) *‘Arree Gran’ Ole Man Rabbit lost his long bushy tail.” began | Unele Remus, and then he ively, ** How did he lose it?” Debed the little bes, curious . This was) just what the old man expected, and he responded readily. 2 OM * Wy some fukes sez one way en some fokes anudder. Dey ain't sorter ‘greed on dis yer pint w, dey ain't. Dat tail foller Gran’ Ole Man Rabbit fer years, des like it wuz his shadder. His enne- mies say he ain't nuthin t’all widout it, mor’n a pump widout a) handle. Dey sorter laff, en had a spell er de dry grins ’bout Brer Rabbit en his tail, dey did, en kinder bounce in on him ez he hatter f whar his tail tuk him, dey did. Brer Rabbit ain’t say nuthin’, | ut des wag dat tail ez ben, pir Brer Squir! at acorn time. But) Brer Rabbit he lose dat o’ his'n mighty sudden en onexpected at | las’ be did. Some say Brer Alligator nibbled it off, udders dat Brer| Pig did de deed, udders dat Brer Bar wuz at de buttem er de mis- chief, but de mos’ ‘low’ ez he done gone lost it er purpos’, eaze he coteh in a trap, like Brer Fox in de story, en coulda’ skaddle widout roppia’ en it.” bw little boy looked sorrowful. ‘Poor Brer Rabbit!” he began, | whea the uld nigger interrupted him. “ Don't you grieve atter Brer Rabbit. He ain't smashed yit, en w'at’s mo’, honey, he ain't gwineter. But w’at I lay out fer ter tell er woz, that atter Gran’ Ole Man Rabbit lose de tine bushyness en tail lay low, he did, en kinder leava de rule er de roost ter Brer Fox en Brer Bison, ike w’at I tell you fore.” “‘ And did they do better than Brer Rabbit ?” asked the little boy. ** De place wharbouts you spill de grease Right dar youer boun’ ter slide, Brer Fox may seta Rabbit-trap Ra find hisself inside » with a cunning smile on his ancient countenance, “I ” he continued, “dat dem fokes w'at makes a greet ’miration "bout wat dey fancies dey knows, is des de fukes wich you can’t put no great ’pennunce in w’en de ’cashun come up. Brer Fox he des ¢z uppity +z little Jack Sparrer, en he ‘low he as swiff ¢z Brer Rabbit, en «z strong «z Ole Man Tarrypin, €z wuz de out’ nes’ beas’ er de whole gang. Brer Fox, he kinder lay out fer ter imertate Brer Tarrypin, like Brer Frog w’en he imertate Brer Ball. Brer Tarrypin, ‘cose he rock "long en smile. Brer Bison he kinder tired of his pardnership wid Ole Brer Hare, ez wuz pow'ful weak en mighty skeersome, en lay low to be trompled on, en wen Brer Fox he done put his foot down en ’fuse ter foller Brer Hare Brer Bison he foller Brer Fox, like he wuzn't lookin’, en wuz des a goin’ his own way. Brer Bison wuz ez big as an ilum, honey, but taint allers de biggity heastes’ en de mos’ savvigus’ ¢z is de out’nes’ atter all. Brer Wolff—him ez I tell yer wuz sot ter tek de measure er Brer Alligator, he allers holler wahee/ w’en Brer Fux holler wahoo! En Brer Cvon, he sing :— Me Molly Har’ W’at you doin’ dar, Sittin’ on de fron’ bench Allers on de scar’ ? En he help ter turn out de Brer Hare en tuk his place.” ** Bat that was rather mean, wasn’t it, Uacle Kumus?” said the little boy. ‘ **C’ose, honey,” replied the old man. ‘All de Buzzards in de settlement ’li come to de gray Mule’s funer’l. Wen dey spi-hun'd ez Ole Brer Rabbit his-elf wuz kinder stuck wid de ole contrapshun wut dey call de Tar-Baby, wut I tell you of, en wuz cotched fis’ en foot, dey kinder roun’ on Brer Rabbit, de udder beasteses did, twel bimeby Brer Rabbit pull hisself loose, en den dey lay low, en call him Gran Ole Brer Rabbit, like he ain’t never got stuck ’tall. Pow'ful mean de beasteses is w’en dey see one on em sorter linger’n’ twix’ a bauk en a break-doun. ’Fore Brer Rabbit Jef’ de head er de gang, like I tole yer, Brer Fox, en Brer Wolff, en Brer Bison, en de res’ er dat lot. dey say «z how dey’s des fokes ter kick de natal stuffin’ outer Brer B’ar, en ter skerblosh Brer Bull-Frog, ‘strack ter toofies er Brer Alligator, en mos’ tickler ter ring fas’ on der snout er Brer Pig, ez wuz allers bustin’ outen his stye, en er rootin’ ’roun’, en er cuttin’ drefile didos. Dey’d tie up Brer Pig, dey say, fas’ ez a mule at a fence, en dey des wouldn’ have *(0Rep eu 02) HXILAG @1Q AHL ‘KVITITAA “SW - = | © | 4 | = 1 @ | +g Ba > | Q | & _—_ |G wa 4 4 ° 4 NO’ LAD—-OL GNVH ONIC TAH V ONIGNAT AGNIW LNOCG I Lod « | AAO I

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JNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jvcty 18, 1885 Mei Ihre LL W/ VN \\\ Ne \ \\ WAY . “TF \ a) ; i ° x “GOING TO THE COUNTRY.” Ma. WittiaM, THe OLp Butter (to new ditto). ‘I’M OUT 0’ PLACE JUST NOW; BUT I DON’T MIND LENDING A HELPING HAND TO—GET YOU OFF!”

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ee ee ee hee ee ee PE - - e

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 33 Jory 18, 1885.] no truck wid none er dem ez’d unhitch even one er his behime legs. E’en w’en dey had der way, en wuz top er de fence, fus’ news you knowed wuz ez dey d tuck de ring clean out’n Brer Pig’s snout, en let him ez loose ez a colt inde barley-patch.” _ i how about Brer B’ar and Brer Alligator?” asked the little 5 o Chilluns is mighty curus,” said the old man, reflectively; “bat dey can’t "speck ter know all "bout eve’thing 'fo’ eve’body. T’won’t do fer ter give out all de hide fer one p’ar boots. Big *possum clime little tree, en "pears ter me ez Brer Fox, tho’ he kinder bounce it out, en say he ain’t got nuthin ter ’pologize fer, en Brer Bison en Brer ’ dey swar ter grashus dey aia’t promised mos’ nuffin, dat ez dey’s done ‘long er Brer Pig, so dey’s like ter do ‘long er de udder beasteses. I tell yer, honey, Miss Meadows she don’t dis’member nuftin, en she keep her eye on de whole caboodle on em.” ‘*Who was Miss Meadows, Uncle Remus?” inquired the little boy. UMiss Meadows she de mistiss er de House,” replied the old darkey. ‘‘ Dem ez wuz sorter familious wid her called her Miss ’Tan'yer, dey did, wot wuz her chris’n name, but I call her Miss Meadows. She wuz en der tale, Miss Meadows wuz, en ef de beasteses dey cut up too many didos, Miss Meadows she done put her foot down she did, en say dat w’en dey come ter her place dey hatter hang up a flag er truce at de front gate en "bide by it. Miss Meadows she ain’t place much ’ ce en Brer Bison, en Brer Fox, en Brer’Qoon. But she mighty unrasbful en unfluttersome, Miss Meadows, mos’ all de time, ’cep w'en she’s sorter sot up, en she des lay low en wait fer ter se w’at atter all dey’ll do erlong er Brer B’ar, en Brer Alligator, en Brer Bull-Frog, en de udder forrin beasteses, wat dey crack on me A farly wipe up der face er de earf wid, w’en dey’d de pow'r en de place. En I’d ’vise yer to do de same, honey,” concluded the old man. “ Lay low en wait, honey, en you'll see how der pym’tums ’II segashuate. NOTES BY NIBBS. (To see the Great Pink Pearl at the Prince's.) I wAD heard such a favourable report of the Great Pink Peari after its first exhibition at some matinée, that I anticipated a r treat, as probably did the majority of the audience, at the Pringe’s Theatre last Monday week. It may be that the Pearl in question was, on the occasion, placed before a jury of appreciative oysters and that, on this second occasion, it was thrown b: fore undiscriminating por- kers,—quorum pars magna fut,—as certainly there were a number of grunters present who expressed themselves dissatisfied with the evening performance of essrs. CARTON and Ratzien’s “‘ farcical = an Had this been its representation, I should have delayed any remarks upon it until I had seen it again; as, take what piece you will, whether speaking as Hard Nibbs. Soft Nibbs, or Medium Nibbs, I assert, for the hundredth time, that, after only seeing its first representation, it is almost impossible for anyone to pronounce such & criticism upon it as sh: of any use to the Author, Actors, or the public. ‘The primery end and aim of all true criticism should be the special benefit of the Artist, and the general improvement of the Art, whatever it may be. To convert what should be a critical article into a mere journalistic paragraph of the day's news, or to turn it into a convenient vehicle for airing pe opinions, is an abuse of criticism, Critics honestly found fault with The Private Secretary, and when, in consequence, Author and Actors at once went to work to re-re , to excise, and to make a piece, which had so much good stuff in it, what it ought to have been at first, they showed a just appreciation of criticism, and have largely profited by sa : ty. Mon Sheen and Ma-chine. lf the ’ans, Messrs. Cantow, Ratxion & Co., will do likewise, there —y yet bea chance for what they have described as their “* f play,” as now played, just so much serious drama in it as prevents it Peal | in Paris—his voyage en Sheen—may appeared as if uncertain how to render it. Were they to be con- scious of its extravagance, or ignore it? Were Fenianism, revolve detectives, Russian police-spies, and a box of dynamite to be impressed on the audience as terrible realities, or as mere farcical absurdities ? Such situations as are genuinely comic were thoroughly enjoyed b the audience who came to laugh, and who, on this account, resen the introduction of melodramatic intensity which considerably perplexed them. It is, therefore, a difficult matter to criticise the acting. It may be exactly what the Authors wished it. If so, the result is unfortunate. If it is not what the Authors intended, then the sooner the acting of the two principal personages is reformed the better for the chances of the gee The key to what must puzzle any audience is to be found in the performance of Mr, Groves as the een oon- spirator, Gormant, is acting is as 'y coloured as his face ; and if this is contrary tu the Authors’ , then his art is as f as his palpable wig and whiskers, Either the entire piece ought to fe by every one concern: waved down to Mr, eeeraey ieendly urlesque impersonation of the Gorman, or up to the true comedy level on which even M. Marrvs, exce come as he is in this, does not consistently remain. Sometimes it seemed to flash across M. Manros in the midst of a most serious situation, that, after all, were “only purtendin’,” and that he was in a farcical sort of Criterion piece, and bound to raise a laugh. Were the réles of Sheen and Gormani played by Messrs. GarpEn Groves as are all the other parts, with yet some intensity ad even to these, the piece, I think, would achieve a distinct and peculiar success, As it is—that is, when I saw it—it was xing and irritating. If Mr. Groves has influenced the Au and Act against their better jadgeess. to accept his view of the Bey, then must be the Groves of Blarney personified ; but if his rendering of the eharacter is according to the Authors’ instructions, then on heads be it. The party of the name of GasDEN—a most tion of the Garden Party—works painfully hard as Anthony t is en- tirely un-funny. He does indeed merit the description applied to him by M. Marros, the calm Russian Diplomat,—we’ve had a small family of these characters since Baron Srery, in Dora,—when the latter says several times, “‘ These people have no repose,”—and from this point of view the Garden Perty touring be taken ag correctly interpreting his Author# meaning. M. Manrrvs has the funniest line in the piece to say when he shouts out to a German Count, who has never uttered more than one syl- lable at a time, “* Silenee, Chat~ _ terbox!” which brought down the house, and woke us all up. This German Count, called Sarees perhaps because he is dressed in broadcloth—is any played by Mr. Denison; Mr, CaPFREy, too, as the Russian Sort Police Agent, cannot be bettered. This actor may not have power to sustain a anding part, but he certainly has a i talent for‘‘ a bit of character.” But how many, who might possibly have been great Actors, have been captivated by an easy success in ‘“*a bit of character.” M. Marius as the Russian Diplo- As far as appearance goes, Miss matist in Paris. Russ in Urbe. Compton, whose acting has vast ‘ improved since last I saw her, is an ideal type of the Russian, or, if not Russian, at all events of the Polish—or highly Polish'd— Countess ; but she drops her voice when she should raise it, and, on this particular night, she so dropped it at the end of her best speech, as to risk the loss of the point which could have been legitimately made, This may have been an accident; but so it was. : The mise-en-scene is very good, and attention to such details as the French Police episode in the Second Act, points to the hand of Monsieur Manivs as Stage Manager of the show. s The piece owes nothing to any foreign source, the Authors having got it all out of their own heads. Mr. Savite Crarxe and the other Cranks “ Jouw 8.” have had new pieces at the Strand Theatre, Sanu B. has appeared triumphantly as Theodora at the Gaiety, there is The O' Dora at Toole’s, and, in this hot weather, I am, yours traly, Tue Tran-Quit, Nisss, From Newmarxet.—July Meeting, last week. The winner Kendal’s starting price was t to one. Taken, of course, in . The Actors’ Guace'e Shillings. Mr. Jomx says he doesn’t know what NDAL’s future engagements are, but he of backing him. farce in it cs erenta om bing tron ay an just so much a = a p

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¢ OMB Fo op 45

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Jory 18, 1885,

———

; al iA 1S hg A Re | nub vi " ‘i pin aA ‘ HONOURS! Fira Alderman. “ Any News!” Second Ditto (Radical), *‘ Burrsep rr I Arn’T A’MOST AFRAID TO LOOK IN THE Parzns! "Frmp myseiy « Heart on A BakRERNITE OR SOMETHINE !!” — ~ live the Duke with the iron will, or rather the him be re-titled ‘The Duke of Srop-rm- ;, but if the Covent-Gardeners themselves enjoy it, and to write up over their

THE CONQUERING MACHINE. (After a Visit to the Inventions Exhibition. ) You say that “* Evolution ’s blind, Her purpose unforeseen,” — Nay, for as types she leaves behind, She keeps for ever in her mind The Conquering Machine ! Even now,—oh future years of grace The prophecy fulfil! Our hearts the dawning influence trace, The “‘ nerve of steel” we try to brace, Or bend “ the iron will.” Now, to the eye of faith displayed The comiug form is seen, In every office, every trade, I watch, in human garb arrayed, The Conquering Machine! In the dim watches of the night I see the portent rise, A creature of unearthly might, Irradiate with electric light, And justly focussed eyes! By careful Evolution planned With many a gliding wheel, To warn, to comfurt, to command, To fly, to drive a four-in-han Or dance a Highland reel ! Volition vain will fret no more The Autumatic Soul, Emotion then will fail to score While reflex action takes floor, And dominates the whole ! Machines no conscience will neglect, No scruples will endure, For conscience, in that realm correct Of automatic intellect, Will be a sinecure ! Ay, driven no more by passion’s gale, Nor impulse unforeseen, Humanity shall faint and fail, And on her ruins will prevail The Conquering Machine ! Responsibility begone ! Let Freedom’s flag be furled ; Oh, ecming ages, hasten on, And bring the true Automaton, The monarch of the world!

Recreation aND Rowpyism.—A party of athletes, assembled the other Sunday in the Abbey meadows at Leicester to play cricket, were prevented by a mob from pur- suing their game. Granted the — of any who have the might to enforce ob- servance of Sunday as a Sabbath, how does that authorise them to stopa of cricket? {t surely stands to reason persons en- gaging themselves in pure play are dis- tinctively doing no manner of wor

New Song of Sixpence. _ Song of Sixpence elegrams awry ; Promise of cheap messages ier ey en ories di tbe, Isn’t that a To set before Jonm B. ?

“Diet OS be mb to t,o

eae aan

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c. Jour 18, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL = \ty | Wei Wawa ey g j i WY) (ye TA ine MHP TENUI NRHA | ‘ ) 1 ONS iM Dui \ | \ 4 COMFORTING. Cabby (to Fare), ‘Str weit Back, Sir. My ’Oss 1s supsecr TO Firs, AN’ '&’s HAPT TO GET IS "EELS OVER THE SPLAsH-BOARD ! |” . LAY pt NS bjs £4 HOA Aca Wines f 5s --71/) 1 ay Lh Laer MH IEA LA WW, 4 ' ce tT eer ON “\y) Ka . AK by = Ny Chad | A } | y Ny f NO MEMORY FOR FACES, For mnemonic exercises I’ve an inborn predilection, Being gifted with the faculty of vivid recollection. I remember fervid eulogies pronounced upon my charms As I sweetly crowed and gurgled, lying in my nurse’s arms; I can quote the longest monologues e’er written by the Bard, And can reel you off hexameters and sapphios by the yard ; I’ve the liveliest remembrance of events and names and places And of dates, despite their dulness,—but I can’t remember faces! That T cannot keep in mind the diff rent shades of eyes and hair, Or distinguish grim old maids from merry scheol-girls, young and air ; That I never know my Father when I meet him in the street, Bat mistake him for some Alderman or Chaplain to the Fleet ; That my intimate acquaintances pe ey Gy I pass, And am puzzled by my own face when I see it in the glass, Seems incredible, no doubt; but ’tis the gospel truth, I vow! It has got me, you may fancy, into many a fearful row. At a dinner-party once I had to sit, as chance befel, Twixt two men who shook my hand and seemed to know me very well,— They were pleasant, chatty fellows, and I soon found out, indeed, That on Politics, Religion, and the Drama they agreed. Bat imagine my confusion when they murmured, sweet and low, Introduce us! That’s a man I should extremely like to know.” For my answer in each case I had to blush, as it was this :— I should really be too happy,—but I don't know who he is!” I we strolling down the Strand, and musing on the Missing Link, a rascal snatched my watch-chain, and was off, as quick as wink. I pursued him for some minutes at considerable speed. And had very nearly caught him ; but ; ty ey Fo y m; but my nose began to bleed. next (as I believed) he looked t And was lounging on Suse anal c amie & Fol Mall” | laid hold of him with promptitude—a course that cost me dear— For he proved, to my discomfiture, a pugilistio Peer! I’m acquainted with a worthy old Colonial Bishop, whom I regret to say I’ve frequently mistaken for his groom. As they really don’t resemble one another in the least, [ feel sure that he considers me an idivtie beast. So, I have no douht at all, do many other friends of mine In the legal. or the naval, or the military line, Whom, alas! I have offended—quite unwittingly, I trow— By addressing them as people om they didu’t even know! I’ve mistaken pious Countesses for Ladies of the Ballet, Archevlogists for publicans, a Statesman for bis valet ; I’ve upset the equanimity of once unruffled lives By just “ mixiag up” my dearest friends, and, what was worse, their wives. I went up, the other day, to an intolerable bore, Whom I afterwards discovered I had never seen before, And insisted upon asking him to dioner. Need [ say That he’s cma to me like putty ever since that dreadful day ! With keen agony, from week to week, I ask myself anew To remove this disability what is it I can do? I have studied physiognomy and every plastic art, And t stared at people’s features till I’ve learnt them off by eart. Bat, confound it! my experiments have all been made in vain, For I ne’er can recollect to whom the faces appertain ; Yet they haunt me, and I know them, in the visions of the night,— But throughout my waking hours I can never get them right! [ am gravitating fast towards a chasm of despair, My annoyancrs are greater than I possibly can bear ;— [ would try the hermit dodge, and see my fellow-men no more, Were it not that life-long solitude is sach a horrid . If I thought it wouldn’t hurt, 1 would my own quietus make With a bodkin. or a bullet, or a slice of cake ; For my cup of life is brimming full of sorrows and disgraces, All resulting from the fact that—I’ve no memory for faces !

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- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jory 18, 1885. ——— = PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT. I APPEAR IN A VOLUNTEER CASE. HF first time I met my friend Bow Der was at a gathering of the members of his own corps, when he was intro- duced to those present by his then Commanding Officer as that C. 0.’s suc- cessor. From the tone of the gunners (it was a Volunteer Artillery Regi- ment) I feared that he wonld experience some difficulty in maintaining discipline. It was not so much the solemn silence in which his name was received as the open deri- sion with which his speech of thanks was greeted that made me adopt this opi- nion. The iri Com- mandant explai to me subsequently that he won- = dered “they” (the men) | “ stood it, as when all was said and done, Bowper did not know his right band from his left.” This (from a military point of view) appeared to be a very grave misdemeanor. From the statement of the Commandant, it seemed that he himself had not found his proud positiun as Officer Commanding an exact equivalent to u bed of roses. He had been put to very great expense, and ultimately resigned because the three batteries of which his corps was composed insisted upon marching abreast down Piccadilly, so that they might hear the band with equal distinctness. “Captain Boryper!” said my excellent and admirable Clerk. ushering in my warlike acquaintance. I was a little annoyed that Poxutrxetow had not given me notice of the soldier's approach, as at the moment I was engaged in the not very professional practice of trying to teach my wife’s dog (a black poodle) how to balance a biscuit on his nose until he was told that it had been duly purchased This was all the more embarrassing as I had always given BonprE to understand that I devoted my entire time in Chambers to the consideration of intricate points of law. Left alone, on the retirement of Portrweton and the poodle, the Captain opened his heart to me freely, and told me that he had been worried out of his life by his gunners, headed by Sergeant SuitH and Bombardier Brown. Instead of “falling in” at the word of command, hi« men, headed by the said subordinates, or rather insub- ordinates, had insisted upon holding meetings, at which he (their Captain) had been denounced in no measured terms; and that when he had mildly retaliated by dismissing the ringleaders individually in a regimental order published in a local paper, had threatened with five distinct actions for libel. . ** So, seeing your name outside,” he concluded, “‘ and remembering that you said you were a Barrister or something, I thought I would just step in and ask you what I had better do.” I pondered for several moments, while I tried to remember as many provisions as I could of the Matiny Act. ** Were you before an enemy,” at length I answered, “‘I am of opinion that you might order them to suffer death or any less punish- | ment that might be awarded by a general Court-Martial.” “Well, we are not before an enemy,” returted BonpER, angrily, *‘and so far from my ordering them anything, I am hanged if they haven’t summoned me / They have applied that I should be compelled to discover a certain dummy gun, when I have never even seen it!” ““ Well, my dear friend,” I replied, with hesitation, ‘‘ you see I have had very little to do with criminal work, and therefore am rather out of my element.” This innocent remark seemed to add fuel to the fire, and BowpEr became angrier than ever. However my dulcet tones, and apologetic if not abject manner, at length had their effect, and my vi-itor at last told me bis sorrows in detail, and I promised to appear for him in the police-court on the morrow. When I reached Bowlhorough Street the next day, I found the Captain seated in full regimentals (which, no doubt, had secured him the consideration from the Usher) on the Bench. I subsequently ascertained that he had “sported his uniform” with a view to favourably impressing the presiding Magistrate. If this were his or, he signally failed in attaining it, as Mr. Bans, the worthy official in question, when he arrived (as he did in a very great hurry, as if he had just five minutes to get throngh his work and catch an ex train}, immediately ordered him down. ‘I see, Sir,” oried his Worship, angrily, “that you are bere | Lord Chancellor! charged with concealing or making away with Her Majesty’s preverty. Your proper place is the Dock, Sir,—not the Bench!” Upon which the until-now-obsequious Usher suddenly changed his tone, and unceremoniously hustled my client into the space beyond the Clerk’s desk. “*T protest——-” began poor BunpeEr. **Does anyone appear for you?” asked his Worship, enappichly. ee me! has the man lost his voice? Does anyone appear fur im?” **T do,” I replied, firmly. “* Who are you, Sir?” snapped out the Magistrate, as if rehearsing Burwanp and Scittvan's excellent Operetta Coz and Boz. I felt very much inolined to continue the duet by saying, ‘‘ What's that to you, Sir?” when his Worship went on, excitedly, “Do you belong to a firm, or are you in practice on your own account?” **T am not a Solicitor, Sir, as you appear to imagine——” I hegan. “*Then what have you to do here, Sir?” interrupted the Magis- trate, with incrersed fury. ‘‘ Not a word, Sir, or I will have you turned out!” ‘*T am a Barrister, Sir,” I exclaimed, in the tone adopted by the hero of the old melodramas, when, throwing off a cloak, he was wont to appear in a profusion of foreign decorations, as the long-lost and rightful heir. Instead of Mr. Bane gceing down upon his knee, and exclaiming, “My liege!” he merely requested me, with impatient courtesy, ‘‘ to t into my proper place then,” adding, sotto voce, ‘* that he supposed was instructed by somebody.” I was then ushered into a long pew on the right of the Bench. ** And now that’s over,” continued his Worship, *‘ what is it ?” Immediately two garrulons persons sprang to their feet. “One atatime. Put that man into the box, and swear him.” And one of the speakers was seized, hustled into a compartment, handed a book, and told to kiss it, whilst an official galloped through the form preseribed by law. ** And now what have you got to say?” asked Mr. Bane, leaning back in his armehair, and glaring at the witness through his spectacles with a ferocity which was perfectly appalling. Sergeant Smith (for it was he) had a great dealtosay. Every now and again he was savagely interrupted by his Worship, who asked some question or other. 1 confess I was so upset by the hurry and scurry of the whole affair that I could hear nothing. The only thing that pleased me was the fact that Mr. Bane occasionally looked at me when I bowed graciously, feeling most grateful for his recognition. “Have you anything to ask the witness?” asked Mr. Bane, when the Sergeant had come to a fall stop. I feebly shook my head and weakly smiled. ** Swear the next witness,” snapped out the Magistrate. “But J want to ask him something,” began Captain Bunpzr, excitedly. **Cant,” cried his Worship. ‘‘ You’re represented by Counsel ! And now, Bombardier Brown, what do you know about it ?”’ Again the examination of witnesses went on. Again I was too flurried to follow the thread of the testimony. again I gratefully bowed whenever the Magistrate looked at me. Once more I had no questions ready. **T will be heard! ” shouted the infuriated Bonper at this point. “Can't,” repeated the Magistrate. ‘‘ You’re represented by Counsel.” ** Bat I won’t be represented by Counsel or anyone else,” cried the angry soldier. ‘‘I prefer to appear in person. hy, whenever you appealed to him,” he continued, indignantly pointing at me, *‘he decid-d against me! ”’ ‘*He did!” retarned the Magistrate, shortly; ‘* but that’s his business and not mine! ” ** But it is mine!” almost yelled Bunper. ‘I repudiate him!” Mr. Bane looked at me. Of course there was only one thing for me oe, do. Full of mortification, and hurt to the very quick, I retired. 1 waited for Buyper until he emerged from the Court. ** Sir,” I said, “‘1 never intended to appear for you in any other character than that of a friend. Asa friend, not a Counsel, I have anpeared for you. But from this moment your qualification asa friend ceases.” ** Appear for me as a Counsel! ” he exclaimed, scornfally. ‘* More of the Sell than the other! Yow’ll never be Lord Chancellor!” As I have hinted, this occurred many years ago. Calmly con- sidering the matter now, with an experience mellowed by time, I am of opinion that my client's excitement was pardonable, as the pro- fessional assistance I was then able to afford him was not of as much value as I could have wished—earnestly, most earnestly conld have wished! As for his prophesy, he was right—I never have been A. Bareriess, Junior. @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by s Stamped and Envelope or Cover Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. REGISTE BEDFORD VER ME EERI

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jotr 18, 1885.

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Bae SEE melee S| Rees GES ee eH i La asras et ee iss “3 = - £P Bee Jour 25, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 37 WHICH IS WHICH P (By Our Bewildered Critic, who was in two places at once.) Tae Empress 7Théodora, when first seen in the play, is fiving audience to a Parisian of the period and other bores, and soon becomes weary of her Court, and especially of one of its chief func- tionaries, who will wear a dress-improver, which it seems was known 4 ‘* Very like, very like.””—Hamlet, in those days, though Mr. Gopwin cruelly left it out in Claudian. The Empress thinks it ‘‘ sich imperence,” and, scorning the luxury that caused the ruin of the Roman Empire—e.g., a big drum, to pla upon, all to herself—she goes off to the Hippodrome, to see her ol — a (Madame Marre Tuorné), to get a philtre for Justinian (M. SHe~ton Garnier). Arrived at the Byzantium Arcade, the Empress unbends, and we see her laughing and dancing with the Sorceress in truly affable fashion. In the first scene Madame Marre BERNHARDT was lithe and languorous, and in the second Malle. Sazan LINDEN was smart and sinuous; indeed, the dual character of the Empress was never better re ted, and Justinian hardly recognised his better half when he saw her double. A conspiracy in Byzantium must have been a nice thing for the neighbours, as we discover when taken to the house of Andréas, a ‘* masher” and a politician, who, with his friends, is a against the Empire or a@ merry chorus goes on all night, and each conspirator brings his particular instru- ment, that is, he is instru- mental in working out the lot. In this scene Mr. J. L. ARAIS acted with consider- able power, whacking his fellow-conspirators on their breasts with genuine force, while M. Toore, ‘‘ De la Comédie Anglaise,” was really humorous, and his song had the true classic ring about it. His attire, too, was archwxo- logically correct, being the xray Bpecxéros of the ancients, as represented in the mosaics of the Criterion. M. Toorr’s singing was also much ad- mired, as being very like that of the Birds of AnIsToPHANES. § om has isperse, e Empress, who is a regular Byzantine *bad’un,” comes to see : Andréas, callin a other name, while he calls her naughty names, not is Augusta. So the lady becomes very uneasy, and naturally _—— — this is a “— = of the — —— Maxie I 8 squirm is * spasma —— ‘ UVENAL, while Mdlle, Sanan Linen has in it more of the juvenile. The Emperor twits his wife with being an Actress, which, seeing Mons. Toole, du ThéAtre lais, as ‘tae party hide, Marcellus, the chief conspirator, and Andréas come on, the former is captured, but Théodora saves Andréas by shutting the door so suddenly in his face that poor Andréas must have got a Dh one in the eye. Here the acting of Saran or Marre and M. Toor or Marais, I forget which, was very fine. Then ensues a scene which baffles descri , and also the conspirators. Marcellus (M. Wann, of the Porte St. Martin, Traf: Square) is brought in, knocked on the head, and stabbed by 7’hdéodora, just to prove what he had been ay on for some time, that ‘his heart was in the right place.” So Marcellus doesn’t betray Andréas, and off they all go to the races, where we see Emperor and Empress putting on their denarii in regular Epsom style. Andréas turns up, and is promptly gagged, for he certainly says very rude things; and pre- sently we come to the last scene of all, where the Empress visits him in his hiding-place. It seems that Tamyris has given Théodora not a philtre, but a poison, for the Witch oat to be revenged upon Justinian, whose Guards have killed her son; and so when Andréas, in a most proper manner, will have nothing to say to the naughty -— she gives him the potion to win back his love. The brew of Zamyris is potent, for M. TooLE was so con (as were his audience), that several medical men in the house were with difficulty restrained from flying to his assistance. His anguish was something really beautiful, and at, the same time, classic, the genuine Gastrodynia Byzantica, as described famous Physician, Gutietmus Laros, a.D. 532, I fancy I’ve got the two pieces a little mixed, but haven't time to putit right again. Valete et plaudite, as the ancient Low Comedian used to say. A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER. _ Ar the Class-Day Dinner at Harvard lately, we are informed, Dr. Otrtver Wewpett Hotmes, Author of The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, read a complimen poem to Mr. James kUSSELL LowxLL, one verse of which runs (a trifle haltingly, if rightly reported) as follows :— “ By what deep magic, what alluring arts, Our truthful Jamns led captive British hearts ; Whether his shrewdness made their Statesmen halt, Or if his learning found their dons at fault, Or if his virtue was a strange surprise, Like honest Yankees we can simply guess : England herself will be the first to claim Her only conqueror since the Norman came.”’ To which Mr. Punch begs amicably to reply :— Not halting Statesmen, and not dons outdone, Taught us to love this lord of sense and fun ; Nor did it come to us as a surprise To find a Yankee virtuous as wise. . ¥ No Hotmes, Sweet Hormes! Our pride it nothing shames, To own us conquered by our Truthful James, His ‘‘ sword and spear truth were cause of it, The sword of eloquence, the spear of wit ; For heart, not art, sage , not iron hand, Made him the “* conqueror” of,our stubborn land. Captured us? Yes; and he’ll be hailed with rapture If he’ll come back among us to recapture ! Could you come too, tant mieux ! for what more pat Than to pair ‘‘ Conqueror” with ‘‘ Autocrat ?” Verb: sap: dear Ottver! It won’t be lost on One of the best and brightest, brains of Boston ! THE HANWELL FESTIVAL. Srr,—I got the prize. Alone I did it, with another fellow. It was fora Conundrum. And they sang ‘‘ See the conquering hero,” that’s me, ‘comes, Sound the trumpets, beat the conundrums!” And this is a conundrum no one can beat :— My first is a Hotel, no matter where, London if you like. My second is Lord Dz (with our best wishes and kindest regards). f My third is what the lamb-cutlets and peas said to the Head Cook. My whole is what the biggest fool I know is. (Nothing personal in this last, and all rights reserved.) Now for the answer. Listen. Hold on. One, two, three, and away :— The answer is Inn-jew-dish-us. That got the prize, and there were bonfires in the dormitory all night long. Great rejoicings. Yours ever, Nuwevuam Dromio (the other brother.) the admirable manner in which she s the part, is, to say the least of it, bad manners. But she oates Mekcand tells him all about the plot which the indisereet Andréas has let out. The Imperial Tur gawky young fellows who can’t, or won't dance, and plant themselves against the walls look less like Wall-flowers than members of the Orchid Squad. VOL, LXXXIX, E

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CHARIVARL [Jour 25, 1886, | ade PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CONSCIENTIOUSNESS. “WELL, AND DID you ozt THE Sramps, TOMMY, AND STICK THEM ON, AND Post tax Lerrer, as I TOLD you!” “Yes, Mummy!” “AND COUNT THE CHANGE CAREFULLY, AND BRING IT BACK?” ‘Yas, Mommy, wees IT 1s—I'VE BROUGHT IT BACK IN Torres!’ ——$—— IN A HAMMOCK. On, sweet ’tis to swing in a Hammock ’neath trees, | And feel the soft breath of the Summer’s light breeze, | With a jug to dip into or not, as you please, Where claret and soda commingle; _ You ’ve got a cigar, how it soothes, ’twixt your lips, And round you an angel in petticoats trips, And pops in the lemon, omitting the pips, Till you ’re sad at the thought you are single. When Horace, in old days, exclaimed to his boy, That linden-bound chaplets could give him no joy, I should think not, indeed, what a singular toy, And bid him look out for no roses ; He never had known of a Hammock, I ’ll swear, | Or he’d surely have mentioned the fact, to declare | How well he could swing in all luxury there, ’Mid pleasant Venusian posies. You feel quite at rest, though the world has been hard, And you | ao that you’re not such a wonderful b As you thought in your youth, e’er your brow grown scarred By Time's irrepressible fingers ; : And you idly reflect on some more foolish verse, Soft sentiment mingled with epigram terse, That may win you applause and put tin in your purse, Wherein it unfrequently lingers. Then here ’s to the Hammock, and peace that it brings, To him who in height of the summertime swings, _ While the bird on the branch that hangs over him, sings, And the river rans on to the ocean ; I think that it would be most pleasant, don’t oe Just to lie at your ease all the long Summer through, And to swing in a Hammock, with nothing to do, Save rejoice in the exquisite motion. Earnest in Jest. “A Fow er is not of much use without a net,” observed Lord Satissury, with a twinkle in his right, eye. ‘*So I will make him a net.” . “You!” exclaimed the Earl of InstxicH, wakin up. ‘* You make a net fora Fowler! What sort?” The twinkle twinkled strongly in the Premren’s eye) as he replied,—‘‘ I shall make him a Baro-net.” Then} the noble Earl saw the joke, and wept heartily. OH, THE JOY OF IT! Mr. Dresser Rocers, who, from his suggestive facility of expres- sion, might be in future very reasonably styled, Mr. ApDREsSER Rogers, on congratulating the Lorp Mayor the other day on his reception of a Baronetcy from the hands of Her Most Gracious Masesry, ex ther with many others, a hearty wish that , toge’ his Lae ‘might enjoy it.” The phrase is a happy one, for it seems to add quite an unexpected zest to the possession of the honour in question. ‘*' How to Enjoy a Baronetcy ?” is a question that very few newly-created Baronets can ever have asked themselves ; and it | would be quite worth some en ising n’s while to ov ita practical answer in the shape of a little shilling volume. As dignities have been falling rather thick of late, ‘‘.4 Hundred Ways of Enjoy- | ing a Baronetcy” at the price named could not fail to sell. Nor| would the Author's task be difficult. The subject is full of sugges- | tiveness. Indeed, there appears to be, when the matter is examined, | a vast amount of quiet enjoyment to be got out of the mere fact of | being a Baronet. There is the pleasure of suddenly springing the title on an unprepared hotel-keeper, and watching his subsequent obsequious ambles. It must be, too, an agreeable sensation to drop a dozen or so of your visiting cards on a crowded railway platform, | and then have them all returned to you singly, accompanied by | a cringing bow or awe-struck and respectful stare. It must be| even a refreshing experience, when quite alone, to lie dreami!y on | your back on a lawn, and say to yourself, ‘“ Hang it, this is jolly! Why, bless me, if 1’m not a real live Baronet! ” But there is no need to continue the list of the whole series of enjoyments that are to be got out of a Baronetcy adroitly held in this fashion. Pleasures present themselves on all sides. Even a street row, ending in a summons and a Police report the next morning, has its agreeable points. Mr. Dresser Rocers deserves the thanks of every newly- y member of the community. He has put a c/o Rosherville within the grasp of even the gloomiest new Peer. ON A NAVAL COMMITTEE. SHovu.p Courtney, Jackson, Gray, and Bruce Not prove themselves of any use, And Rrtanps, coupled off with GoscHEn, But merely serve to rhyme with “‘ ocean,” — ’Tis well, to help them at a halt, That they can boast one real Sarr. THE ROYAL WEDDING. (From an Evidently Ignorant Correspondent, Sre,—I see by the papers that the Wedding of Princess Brarrice is not to be a State Ceremonial. There are to be ‘“ three i rocessions,”’ employing on the whole about eighteen carriages. T Master of the Horse—fancy only one horse, *‘ the Horse,” for the whole lot !—will be much exercised, and, by the way, so will “ the horse.” But what bothers me, Sir, is these three carriage processions, at least eighteen carriages, and only one horse! I can’t get over it; no more will the horse. And suppose that horse, of which Lord Braprorp is ‘‘ the newly-appointed master,” is inid up! What then? Will they all walk, or go in donkey-chaises, at so much an hour? They couldn’t fit into goat-chaises, or they ’d get these at & low figure. I have never visited the Royal Stables which, I believe, are well worth seeing, but if there’s only one horse, all the stal except one, must be empty, unless, like stalls in a theatre during arun of bad business, they are filled with dead-heads or dummies. Will no one ask a question in Parliament as to the salary of o Master of the Horse—poor horse, I do pity him !—and whether th country couldn’t afford another, or in several more for p= eee occasion? I shall be there to see and to ri h they be in a one-horse shay. neess and her spouse, even tho YDE in THE Istz or WIcHT. — A Lite Yours, \ |

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I | Ean BS 3 et,” | SEEREREF Jury 25, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ~\ \ Sv S XX WMO oy MOA MQ \ . WX \ \ = Dr, Balfour (to Patient), ** You’st Be so GRATEFUL FoR MY TREATMENT OF YOUR CasR,” i) NN | N \ NOW / . INLUUTUUIMNL VNU AN EXTRA LIBERAL DOSE. an erminiys j Dr, Chamberlain, *‘ You'tt BE RADICALLY CURED,—BUT DON’T FORGET THAT IT WAS MY PRESCRIPTION.” PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY ; Ok, SAWS FOR THE SEASON. A Spxecn in the Lords is worth two in the Commons. (For Lord Northbrook.)—“* Marinum est errare.” _ Use in the Soudan.)—Nothing fails like failure. Spouter can send an Elector to the polling-booth, but twenty can’t make him think. Too many Cooks spoil the Excursion Season. (4 propos of most Temperance Drinks.)—One Swallow spoils a whole Summer. One man’s meat is another man’s horse-flesh. Hobedy knows what the Czak’s up to except the Editor of the Pallski Maliski Gazettikoff. (For Cricketers:)—It’s a long score that gives no chances. A still match makes a wise Burglar. Waar’s Wayrep.—New Ships, not new Peers. setting a price on the head of OLIVIER Not a Sucking Dove. ‘*M. pe Bite, though courteous in the lap letter to M. Hennt Rocuzgrort, roundly accuses the age he employs in his ritish Government of ain.”’—Daily Paper. Ir one is to listen to M. pz BILurnea, To make matters hotter he seems not unwilling ; It is clear t And, since good understandings he’s bent on undoing, t, though Brine, he doesn’t mean cooing. Disappointed. Kixe Oxo Jumno has gone back to West Africa. He regretted muchly that he wasn’t able to visit Scotland, where he had expected to find heroes of his own colour and a number of his countrywomen : at least, so much he gathered from having been informed that in the Highlands he would see “‘ some fine Moors and several Bonny Lassies.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 25, 1885, PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT. I MAKE A BID FOR THE PARLIAMENTARY BAR, HAVE not come here to waste time, which on took thee as ir that Portinetonw had a placed for him, & ‘but to make a yr, with your ap- : proval, nay, even MA approbation.” This dress greatly perplexed me. As a rule, Bouncer used to talk slightingly of my work in the Temple, and suggest that ~~ briefs were few and far between. Under these circumstances thought it advisable to request Bouncer “ not to play the fool.” " f was never more serious in my life,” replied my visitor; and then he told me allabout it. Ita that my friend had allowed himself to be put up as one of the Candidates for the representation of Coachington in the forthcoming Parliament. The matter had been managed for him by Lower, of the firm of Snaprpsnorr, LiwzeEr, anv Pocket, who had suggested that I should be asked to Somes them on their next visit to the borough in search of support an enthusiasm. I confess I felt flattered, the more firm was not on the list of my clients. It was decidedly to learn that I had been singled out by istingui y Solicitors as an advocate whose oratory was likely to have weight with an enlightened constituency, such as, no cont, Contagion happened to If I made a favourable impression, it might lead to work at the Parliamentary Bar, under the patronage of the vene- rable Mr. SyappsHort and his less elderly partners. “I wonder why Mr. Liweer should have thought of me!” I mur- mured, with a smile. ‘‘ No doubt I must have met him in consulta- tion when he was instructing Counsel representing parties having kindred interests to my own.’ ** Well, I rather faney the idea originated with me,” said Bouncer. ** Liwper told me that our meetings required freshening up, and asked me if I knew anyone who would do. I mentioned you. He replied he had never heard of you.” ‘Dear me!” I exclaimed, surprised and hurt—‘‘ he said that he had never heard of me?” ‘Yes. Then I told him who you were, and he said all right, we would announce you as ‘ the distingui Barrister from London,’ and that perhaps that ‘ might wake them upa bit.’ So I hope you will come and help me.” I accepted the invitation, feeling that it was high time that Mr. eo per should, by practical experience, be able to judge of my capabilities, 3OUNCER was met at the station by his agent on the afternoon of the day we had arranged for our descent upon Coachington. Mr. Liwper was sharp and smart, and about fifty. His face fell when he saw me. ** Hallo!” he exclaimed. “ Is this Mr. Brrertess ?” “* Yes, Sir,” I replied, with dignity, looking him fall in the face through my spectacles, ‘‘ my name ts Brreriess! ” . ** No offence,” replied Mr. Luwper. *‘ Dare say it will be all right. Only I know them better than you. They are a rough lot.” It appeared that, on this account, both Bouncer and his agent had supplied themselves with a thick overcoat apiece (utterly un- suitable to the time of year), to be assumed in case of need, which might be tersely interpreted as in case of brick-bats. During the journey down, my two companions compared notes about the details of the election. So far as I could make out from their conversation Bouncer was the unpopular Candidate, and found it very uphill work in opposing his political antagonist, Mr. CHEsTERFIELD Spazrnow. When we reached our destination, Luseer (who until this moment had been cn the easiest terms of familiarity with his principal) got out of the train, and with exaggerated deference assisted Bouncer to alight. Bouncer smilingly walked down the platform, and shook hands with the collector who asked for his ticket. He also shook hands with the clerk in the booking-office ; also with the station -master. “Very sorry, Gentlemen,” said the last-named official, “but I have not been able to ft ou anything better than Menton’s waggonette. I suspect that ir. CHESTERFIELD SPARROW ially as the name of the has given them the tip to let you have nothing else. But such as it is—there it is.” ** How about the band ?” asked Liwser. “ The drum is still re sober, Sir,” replied the Station-master cheerfully, ‘and he will pull the others through, you may depend upon it.” « Thus encouraged, Bouncer, Lowser, and I left the platform and walked into the street. Our appearance was greeted with yells of disapprobation from a body of roughs, who had evidently been look- ing out for us. Loser, with much presence of mind, signalled to the drummer to play up, and the tumult was drowned in strains of music, which became Dade and louder as the other performers emerged one by one from a neighbouring publichouse. Bouncer was bowed into a waggonette (which, as compared to other vehicles of the same class, was as a Herne Bay bathing-machine is to a Lo Mayor’s coach) with marked courtesy by Limper and myself. The remaining places were then immediately occupied by sons of toil in corduroys and shirt-sleeves. The a me Candidate immediately shook hands with them, and with ourselves on the box, drove off as rapidly as possible to the place of meeting—a field about a quarter of a mile from the railway station. The crowd followed us hooting. “It is all right,” exclaimed Limzen, triumphantly, when we had pulled up ; “‘ he has come after all!” . The person whose arrival had given the Solicitor so much satisfac- tion, was a short, stumpy-looking, red-f little man in a pot hat, He climbed into the waggonette, and touching his hat respectfull to Bouncer, entered into explanations seemingly having to do wi his advent. The driver of the waggonette in the meanwhile descended, and was holding the head of the horse—an extremely venerable creature, quite a Montefiore of its species—and we were surrounded by some two hundred persons. Bouncer took off his hat, and was greeted with prolonged howling, tempered with the stentorian cheers of the still sober and always conscientious drummer. | “I am much affected, Gentlemen, by this reception,” cried | Bouncer, at the top of his voice, “‘ it is most gratifying, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.’’ i h was inaudible, and delivered From this point, Bouncer’s in dumb show. However, that (Lise explained to me) was of no moment, as a written copy of it had been brought down from town and arpty in the hands of the reporter of the local paper. ‘* Not a single egg this time, and scarcely a dozen cab stalks!” exclaimed Lupe, greatly pleased, when Bouncer had been yelled back into his seat. ‘‘On my word, I do believe we are becoming popular! And now, Sir, you will hear our pet speaker.” r he stumpy red-faced little man held out his hand, as if asking for attention. Ina moment the crowd became silent, and listened | intently—a few would-be noisy individuals being promptly subdued with an exclamation of ‘“‘ Hold your row!” The orator (for | he was a born orator) delivered one of the most eloquent speeches | have ever heard. He spoke to the people as one of themselves. He} pictured his poor but happy home, with his good wife and loving| children awaiting his return from his daily toil. ‘‘ I am one of your- | selves, my lads,” he cried, ‘“‘and I feel for you. Yes, my lads, I,| like you, earn my bread by the sweat of my brow! I, like you, glory | in the name—grander than that of any Duke or Earl—of an honest, | fair-handed, warm-hearted, liberty-loving, foreigner-scorning Eng —yes, English, my lads—English working-man !” — his sentiment was received with thunders of applause, amidst which I asked Loser for some account of the speaker. “* He is called Welsher Dick,” shouted the Solicitor into my ear, | ‘*has been warned off nearly every race-course in the United King- | dom, and is at present making a precarious livelihood by acting 4s| assistant chucker-out in a low-class genes. The first time | I saw him he was in the dock of the Old Bailey, being tried for| nearly killing his wife with a quart-pot.” Taken completely by surprise by this very unexpected answer, | | could only stare in the depth of my astonishment. **Welsher Dick” finished his speech amidst great and general applause, and then it was LowseEr’s turn to appeal to the audience. But no, they would not hear him ; and once more there was an exhi- bition in dumb show. ‘*T thought so,” said Luweer to me, with some bitterness, as he retired. ‘‘ They have heard me before! Besides, they want to see what you are like! Mind, as they are a rough lot, that you don't offend them. You had better begin at once—nothing irritates them more than being kept waiting.” } Thus urged, I put on my spectacles, took off my hat, and smiled. I was received with roars of laughter. I raised my hand, ’ clamour increased threefold. was met with insulting cries reflecting on my personal appearance, gratuitous advice to go home, and ironical inquiries for my autobiography. ** Friends,” interposed elsher Dick, at Luowser, ‘‘ you have been promised a distin, London—here he is. I ask you as one of popeserres, 8 man like yourselves, as one of the e, to let him f hearing.” The mob gave the speaker cheers. While t

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—.. 35, —=-s o a Jory 25, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ud i the ‘or the first time looked around. The sea of faces ightened me, and I lost my nerve. In a moment all I had to say di and my mind became a blank. About what next I have never been Cy clear. I have a lively recollection of something hitting me on the head and smashing in my hat, and I distinetly remember that there was an angry yell. Then I fancy the tte must have been taken by storm. All I know for certain is I was conveyed to the police-station, a very gallant rescue, executed by a picked body of county constabulary. “If you will wait a little, Sir,” said the Inspector, ‘‘ we can smuggle you out the back way just before the train starts, and land you in a carriage before can get at you.” This difficult and programme was successfully carried out. On reaching home I was w wy pos | wife, who was greatly put out because I had lost my h other articles of value. This was hard to hear, but the ingratitude of Bouncer was harder—from that day to this he has never once thankef me for the support I gave him when he was y seeking election at Coachington. As for SyappsHotr, Liwper and Pocker, they do not seem to have any Parliamentary business, if I may judge hen he otherwise unaccountable omission of their names in my Fee- k. A. Brreriess, Junior. “THE RING AND THE BOOK.” Norges rrom Our Own SrorTsMan. (Specially Engaged for the Forthcoming Important Events.) Srmr,—You are right. In these days Racing cannot be neglected. Not a Journal but has at least a column per diem devoted to the moble sport,—and you, Sir, must not be behindhand in the race. To-morrow is the Leicestershire means of knowledge at my command, your readers keep their eyes open, and, if they only read me aright, there will be rich men among them before to-morrow’s sun course has run. ow to begin, and, as the Ghost in Hamlet ars Mark me,” If Royal Fern runs y, and puts his legs into it, I should not be inclined to look beyond him for the winner,—that is, I am bound to say, if he holds his own to the aa does not allow himself to be collared by an an’ ist,—though of this I have no fear whatever, as long as his J k the others at a respectful distance, and puts on the spurt at the right moment. Should Prism realise my hig opinion of what ought to be, as I was saying to his owner, ‘‘ his more than excellent qualities,” then there will not sit down a happier party to supper on Thursday night than the backers of the son of Uncas. He is ridden by Watts, who is a true artist, and refused a Baronetcy the other day—more power to his elbow— though, at the same time, he must not presume too much on the Bunbury Mile and Gosforth Park viotories, which only demonstrate the necessity of still keeping him well ahead of all the others, if he is to fulfil the anticipations of his best friends. In the London Clubs, up to i Despair, which, as I ed w ay peed personally, i sure that if the offspring of See-Saw can only once get le matter when, in the course of the race, and having once obtained it manage to retain it until he passes the Judge’s box, the chances of his opponents will be reduced to a minimissimum. The “ who flatter themselves on knowing stable secrets, whi oF hens loses as 9 . in two lengths hd of Richmond, and give go by” to. Prism, Despair, the Eastern mperor, and the ahs will thea be as certain pie E it were now in owner’s hands. ess of this opinion myself, and shall not be surprised if proves my surmise correct. Let those laugh last who win, say if all the others are not in it at the finish with the fair scion house of RorHEREILL, she will have the chuckle Wild Thyme is a scenter of attraction to those who “‘ know a bank” and can draw on it to any amount; I faney there be some of the friends of the Lowlander’s family who will have a “ wild time” of it Sapoestite “% _ at “ event, nor even ‘ which I can do no more than all ire Cup Day. Having exceptional eae will do well to} “&® .| and Scene-shifters that flo so generous as to be able to give 8st. 2lbs. field if he liked, but if they follow my owner will do nothing of the sort. ARCHER last moment, he does not allow him to yield two, be it Prism, Corunna, or any other * runner be next him, but brings him in, as they say, “ primus inter I have no doubt in my own mind that antagonism will be that the popular jockey will add another leaf to his or, i say, if the horse’s colour permitted it, another bay to rels, Corunna is as near an approach to a certainty as there is on the — } - Boss pushes nee the om Tangl the rant pushing, at right moment, as in such cases is . Lama bit near-sighted, and can’t see the race without Barnacles,—but more than this it would not be fair for me, with the exceptional knowledge I nr ¥ say. ‘* Verbum sap,” as the has it. Taking ’em for in all, and giving one last round, I still Se dre bot aceasta operon ool at Pesce ut does not ine e "imprévu, think those of your readers who shall follow my advice will have no cause to complain, or to be in the least dissati with the forecasts of The Old Hermitage. PErEPER THR Hemi, WHY I DID NOT WIN THE QUEEN’S PRIZE. (By the Man with a Grievance at Wimbledon.) Because I did not allow enough for the wind in my first shot. Because I allowed too much for the wind in my second. Because the wind was all over the place in Because there was no wind at all in the last. Because someone spoke to me just as I was going to fire. Because the marker must have been dozing. Because, although carrying everything off at other meetings, I was not in form in Surrey. use my rifle was out of order. : Because one can never trust the Government ammunition. Because I had the worst position at the ; Because there was ing wrong with Because, hadn’t it been in each case for the accident in the world, I should in each stage have “ the ighest possible.” And, finally, for the most conclusive reason imaginable,—some other fellow got it! Chant of Sir Thomas Thornhill, Bart. (Ain—“ Then farewell my trim-built Wherry.’’) Ten farewell my three-lined whippy, Three-lined whippy fare thee H Never more, while Rawpoipn ’s hippy, Shall your Tuomas “ urgent” a A Short Farewell. Srr,—As I see that Mr. Ciement Scorr has written some ap) priate lines for Mr. and Mrs. Bancnort’s farewell, that will have already taken place by the time this letter finds its way into print, I will not send you the capital set of verses I had done for the occasion. Suffice it to say that I had brought in even the urished under their able management, and ** How much did B. and Mrs. B. Improve the shining Ours!” There is a lot more, but perhape, under the circumstances, that will do for the present, from your Obedient Servant, Warts-n1s-Name, opened thus :— Derby’s Diagnosis. Ear Dersy is not going to ani ! Holding that to ty is tbe dowt, He deems that all this fuss about the Navy Is nothing but Hay fever. ‘*Sre J. E. Mrutass,”’ says the St, Ja another portrait of Mr. Guapstong. I previous ie of Mr, GLADSTONE ! after being Baronetted ! lawyers say. The Dukeof Ric. is a game and generous ungratef hall boon made a Duke, Mr. G.’s smallest horse, | to a mere tketch of the

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Se eee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a [Jory 25, 18865, : ; | ; q eS =. “2 é we Ss : Seas ye nit Sree 2m = -~ TL SS LAYING IT ON TOO THICK. ‘How Lovety your Wie 1s Lookixe To-pay, Sr Gzorcz! I’vE BEEN ADMIRING HER ALL THE APTERNOON!/” *“‘ A—A—SHE 'S ONLY JosT come!” “ALL AT SEA!” Atreyp, all ye who love to hear how England is befooled ! There was a time when ocean's waves, it was supposed, she ruled ; Ruled! Quite a farce, of course, alt h in issue somewhat solemn ; ; How may she hope to rule the waves, who cannot rule a column ? With a tow-row-row! Barrranwia’s old monopoly of course is all bow-wow. Her memory dwells on gallant Netsow with affection fond, But how about the Admiralty, that deep Slough of Despond ? , There pride must knuckle under, and there patriot hope must sink, And a chain, they say ’s no stronger than its very link. With a tow-row-row ! If that be so, how precious weak must be our Empire now! Ho, for the chartered dunderheads who lord it at Whitehall ! The ** Ship of Fools” had never such a crew. And if a Should strike our topmasts suddenly, and take us all aback, What, wast bo Eko anaes, if that crew don’t get the sack ? a tow-row-row ! To Davy Jones’s Locker they will take us straight, I trow. They pony never deviate into sense, these noble swells; Upon their fine consistency the startled fancy dwells. Inglorious Semper Eadem, the banner of our shame (To modify Mosaueay) is the basis of their fame, 2 Wi th a tow-row-row ! A garland of right thistles should invest each noble brow. Their business being managing our Navy—save the mark !|— Of course concerning ships ae suns they ’re aheays in the dark. That ae to my => ay E35 is —— - things clide ! Denon a tow-row-row ! Hooray for “‘ Rule of Theat,” lads, and the law of “‘ Anyhow” ! Their Department being that one upon which our fate must hinge, Of course responsibility ne’er gives the dolts a twinge. The game to spend our money, and investigation smother, And the Sy ee awkward questions with that smasher, ‘* You ‘re With a tow-row-row ! An Admiralty Anser is a settler, youll allow. Yet there were some artless innocents among the sons of men Who fancied e’en an Admiralty could hold a pen ; That though looking on the muddling of our Navy as a lark, He must have the common gumption of a thirty- shilling clerk. With a tow-row-row ! A ridiculous delusion which is dissipated now. To expect a Whitehall hemes to be very nigh as clever As a common counter-jamper? Oh! that wouldn't do, no, never! What, tottle up a column a /a Cocker or CotEnso ? Too bad to go a ome of our naval gentlemen so! ith a tow-row-row A blunder of a Million will soon alter that, you know. When they give free education, as the School Board want to do, An Admiralty buffer, with a snug four-figure “‘ screw,” May not be wholly ignorant that two and two make four ; But now—oh, hang it, don’tcha! This arithmetic’s a bore. ith a tow-row-row ! What, a Swell be “‘ good at figures” ? That is playing it too low! And a very pretty figure we, in consequence, shall cut! Joun Butt, your Admiralty is a regular hard nut, But if you don’t soon crack it, you AN trust your faithful P. That it is not Whitehall onl nly that be “‘ all at sea.” With a tow-row-row ! ’ Always the seme? Perhaps so. But you’ve got to change it now! | Sre R. Lorp-Luvpsay takes the title of Lord Wantaer, Ass Tennis-player might say, ‘‘’ Wantage to him!”

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u're PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juiy 25, 1885. SN Nie TT Nano ’ ‘ osatittins See 2:35 SN Nee ‘ 4 CNNEN YY teat Nes WANE Nh +4 NEA {oniRALTY FSS : RN bits SSS f Wii WZ i Lp “ALL AT SEA Baurransia. “OF COURSE I WAS PREPARED FOR MY SHIPS BEING ALL WRONG, BUT I DID EXPECT YOU’D HAVE LEFT THE ACCOUNTS RIGHT.” N-nruee-x (late Purser). “‘ BEG PARDON, MA’AM! HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME!!” IT WASN'T ANY FAULT OF MINE IN PARTICULAR,—IT gach A:

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Jury 25, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | 44)" | Hi! yi (HA fi Al | NU \) A aa APRA MWK) MU] Ab WIT ASU A i, i | i 4 Yj 2 “fh / / Y (7 / y y j Yh {if Y | Vf oe Red Lo bd Nh) | | ; tify | A> 42>, £> o> tN Wi \] Mt 1 f | Yy Vy tilt a eT, Oe A WU UMM MA IATA! Yl anast UN Avcitin wuhidlasipartytate sty.’ extttate ott S MIn i) ‘im wt A) A HW Lill] Ni H i} 1 i ) fwilly ! lik Hh q Wy 1 ‘| | td ea tae i WH | a id) Waa FAM) : y NATIT NAG WA MA mM Vaated \ Ve Y/} aha, } LV | ' a re A i Wy, iy ’) i} 4 B H UV} p. Fd biin ar | i = GF H f, y, f Wi ‘V_t, 1 ————_ Ss) Sv S (WOT deta ||} il ““RUS IN URBE.” Fair Equestrian (from the Provinces, her first turn in the Row), ** WHERE ARE YOUR AND THINGS f” Goop oracious, SAM! You CAN'T RIDE OUT WITH Mz LIKE THAT! Cowntry | Groom. **Lor’, Mum, I pipn’r BRING ’gem UP. Bor ir pon’r MATTER. NozsopyY KNOWS ME HERE!” A NEW DEPARTURE. Taat most amusing gentleman, the Secretary or Srare vor Inpra, never showed a greater amount of audacity, tempered with common sense, than when he introduced an important matter to the House of Commons the other night, by saying that he should not occupy the valuable time of the Members by explaining its various and the arguments by which they — be supported, as there Was an admirable article in the Times of the previous week that put the whole case in far better langu he could hepe to use, and to which he would refer those industrious gentlemen opposite who, neil in hand, were awaiting a lengthened statement. The noble rd then resumed his seat, and, before his opponents could recover from their profound astonishment, the matter was to. _ This successful attempt opens up a wide field for saving valuable time. We will imagine the Financial Member for the City bringing forward a motion in favour of so altering the incidence of the abominable Income Tax as to discriminate between Income from Land or Consols, and Income from business or profession, or, in other words, between real and unreal property. The House is look- ing forward with dread to an interminable Essay upon the facts of the case, bristling with Statistics, and similar awful nuisances, when the Hon. Member, with that modesty that so well becomes the descendant of the ancient Mother, who so loved her dog, informs the delighted House that the whole subject was treated so admirably lately by the Paper that has the largest Liberal circulation in the world, that he will rest his case on that convincing article, to which he refers the CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcuequeRr, who at once replies that, instead of wearying the House with a number of minute details, he begs to refer the Right Hon. Gentleman to a most splendid Article that appeared on Monday in the columns of the Paper that has the largest circulation in the world, whether Liberal or other- wise, in which every statement or argument relied upon by hi Right Hon. friend is utterly denied, or ruthlessly annihilated ; upon which the House at once proceeds to a division, and the whole thin is settled in about ten minutes ; and as no sane man ever thinks reading the Parliamentary Debates in extenso, no one would regret the change except the Bores of the House ; and, as it is well under- stood that no speech ever changes a vote, the result to the country would always be the same as under the present dull and dreary system. e shall look forward with great curiosity to see who the pat-denying Member will be who will have the pluck and the good — follow this excellent example of the Secretary or State ror INDIA, THE “SUPER’S” COMPLAINT. (By one who doesn't get much chance of carrying a banner.) Tue dooce take them Inventions and such like bloomin’ shows, ‘The mischief that they does us all the summer no one knows. Inventions !! one sees everywhere in big type on their bills. — Arf the things they’ve got are as ancient as the To begin with, there’s the cove as takes your money at the door, That trick ain’t so very new, we’ve seen that done afore ; A bun there costs a penny like at any other shop, They ain’t discov a lower price for ale or ginger-pop. . If they found you a good blow-out and likewise s the drink, Then hooray for the Inventions, would say all of us, I think. Now, where the novelty comes in that gets me all abroad, ; It’s f ~ faked-up Government job and a regular downright ud. The way they praise them German Bands it nearly makes me sick, The Guards is good enough for me, and so to them I stick, Why, the band we always take down on oar annual Epping lark. Would give the lot « big drum in and blow ’em bang out of the ar: Boats are there, and printing too, are as inventions shown, They prig old Noan and Caxton’s biz, and boss it as their own. his | 1 can’t but think it’s rather hard, we do our best to please The whole year sound; © game Hip this snaps np cur, toyed and cheese. The I tions dries our shows up, and the Guv’nor sa’ he, vd hope as this * All Frisky Show 's the last as there will be.” I 2 ee a cats di dttaibesie 2. at adnan ba

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 25, 1885, nuk, A “OUR PRINCESS.” Old Lady (from the Country, at the ‘‘ Inventions”). “On, "Liza, wHat A Same! Loox! Tary VE BEEN AND TOOK HER 4s A CaoRIsTER-Bory now! !” — = ee —————————————————— “ARM, ARM, YE BRAVE!” To arm our soldiers with bayonets that bend, and our policemen with truncheons that break, is certainly + ow, of a careful consistency in stupidity. But thet is all that can be said for it. Poor Police-Constable Davis might have been inclined to say that, in snch a case at least, ‘‘ consistency is the bear of small minds.” Davis had, in the usual way of business, to tackle a couple of armed burglars on a house-top at Kensington. He did it, too, though circumstances placed him at considerable disadvantage. His alarm-whistle, it appears, had been “* called in for stamping,” or some such routine purpose. It was, therefore, of as little use to him as the =~ Danish Whistle to the lover who hadn’t got it. In the second place, his truncheon—being “‘ contract trash ’—broke in three pieces at the first blow he dealt at his enemy. The consequence was, that Davis got three bullets in his rs! and the burglars—who are not, luckily for them, armed by the Siate—got off. This is highly encouraging—to the burglars. Law, armed with a rotten truncheon, and minus even its alarm- whistle, can scarcely be much of “‘ a terror to evil-doers.” Is it not high time that the official duffers we age our military and civil defenders with “‘ contract trash” arms should themselves . in for stamping ”—with the brand of public disgrace ? BALLAD OF THE PHILAN- THROPIST. Pomowa Road and Gardens, N., Were pure as they were fair. In other districts, much I fear That vulgar language shocks the ear, But brawling wives or noisy men Were never heard of there / No burglar fixed his dread abode In that secure retreat, " There were no publichouses nigh, But chapels low and churches high, You might have thought Pomona Road A quite ideal beat! Yet such was not at all the view Taken by B 13; That active and intelligent Policeman deemed that he was meant Profound detective deeds to do, And that repose was mean ' Now there was nothing to detect Pomona Road along,— None faked a cly, nor cracked a crib, Nor prigged a wipe, nor told a fib,— Minds cultivated and select Slip rarely into wrong! Thus, bored to desolation, went The Peeler on his beat, He knew not Love, he did not care lf Love be born on mountains bare ; Nay, Crime to punish or prevent Was more than dalliance sweet ! The weary wanderer, day by day, Was marked by Howarp Fay— A neighbouring Philanthropist, Who saw what that Policeman missed— A sympathetic ‘* Well-a-day!” He’d moan, and pipe his eye. ‘* What can I do,” asked Howarp Fry, **To soothe that brother’s pain ? His glance, when first we met, was keen, Most martial and erect his mien, What ‘‘mien” may mean, I know not, I, But Ae must joy again! **T’ll start on a career of crime, I will,” said Howanp Frr. He spake and acted! Deeds of bale (With which I do not stain my tale) He wrought like mad, time after time, Yet wrought them blushfally ! And now, when ’busses night by night Were oe conductors slain, When youths and men, and maids unwed, Were stabbed, or knocked upon the head, Then B 13 grew sternly bright, And was himself again ! Pomona Road and Gardens, N., Are now a name of fear. Commercial travellers flee in haste, Revolvers girt about the waist Are worn by City gentlemen Who have their mansions near ! But B 13 elated goes, Detection in his eye ; While Howarp Fry does deeds of bale (With which I do not stain my tale), To lighten that Policeman’s woes, Yet does them blushfully! A rarr Correspondent, who signs herself “Jane Dark,” wants to know ‘“ whether it would be correct to describe any one of the Royal Academicians, as ‘a Man of Colour ?’” We will inquire. \ | ~-- pe =a ie

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Jory 25, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL jill ™ ‘| j = / ‘i 7 y 'y A, j j ~ Y, ~~ Se/ 2 LS —~ THE NEW FOURTH PARTY. |} i ‘ | , lh A. SoN N LS ao /, AL, IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FLATTERY. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, July 13.—Grand triumphal entry of Gorst, i his seat after re-election on becoming Sonicrror-GENERAL. All the forces of the late Fourth Party mus- tered to do honour to oceasion. Gorst marched up between RanpoLrn Treasury Bench. “‘ Happiest moment of my life,” said Ranpotrn. ‘“‘ All my Party provided for. Little difficulty about Worry, but that will be arranged. Nuisance is, that as we ’ll only be in five months, the delay in gazetting appointment is serious matter. Lost nearly a month’s salary now. Must oo Beacu. Wish I’d got up, and de- nounced his Budget Sc’ the other night ; but soon another opportunity. Think I’ll take up the Crofters’ Bill, and abuse Bracu for dropping it. That’ll fetch ’em. Wotrr's appointment will be gazetted forthwith, and I'll stipulate that they s pay him six months in advance.” Questions growing again. Forty-two to-night, which is something like old times. CHAPLIN came out strong on Swine Fever. Paget asked simple question. CHAPLIN produced prodigious roll of manuscript. “ Surely, he’s not going to read that ! ” said Hicxs-Bracu, breath- lessly. But he was, and did, not omitting a word. House murmured, coughed, laughed, and finally roared. Ranpotrn kicked him on the calf, and pretended it was AsumEAD-Bartietr. But Caapirn went on wallowing in peaeean, finishing his oration amid hubbub that made him inaudible. “If Coapiin’s going to do this every night,” said Sir Pret, ‘ he must make his answer as F1tz-WyoraM makes his speech.” Fi1z-Wryoram’s way certainly novel, and not unattractive. Comes down with speech pre on matters relating to Army. Has good deal to say in mi aneous manner. Knows House of Commons hates long speeches, so has hit upon charming device. On Vote for Men reads a portion of his manuscript, till he observes indications of impatience on part of audience, and feels a little tired himself. Then sits down, and Vote is disposed of. Next Vote on account of Volun- teers’ pay and allowance. Fi1z-Wyoram catches Chairman's eye, begins exactly wh«re he left off, and goes on till he hears Members yawning, then pulls up. Even with all diligence couldn’t finish to-night on successive Votes. Found himself at eleven o'clock with five pages of manuscript, and Government consenting to report “1 But wasn’t christened Freperick WELLINeTOn for nothing. Jidn’t serve through Crimean War without picking up a wrinkle. Dashed in, and began to read. McCoan jumped up, and insisted on ja ser progress. General sat down. Up again when McCoan a PR a said the General, with one eye on the paper, and another dae nd ba, opposite, 1 these circ ces, horses and camels “Order! order!” cried the Chairman. ‘Question is, that I report progress, and ask leave to sit again.” and Wo rr, whilst AktHUR Barour beamed on the procession from | Fitz-Wreram down like a shot when Chairman rose. Up again as soon as he resumed his seat. ‘‘ In 1882——” he continued. ‘Order! order!” cried the Chairman. General now quite bewildered. Only thing to be done was to go on with his manuscript :— ‘* In 1882 the Infantry soldiers who were sent to Aldershot ’”—— ‘‘Order! order!” roared the Chairman. ‘Order! order!” bellowed the Committee; and Firz-Wryonram, holding on to his | manuscript as if it were a sword-hilt, sat down, and stared about | him with mute request that some one would oblige him by explain- |ing what was the matter. Finally, on understanding that Frrz- Wvyeram hadn’t more than five se to read, Motion for progress withdrawn, and the General finished last instalment of speech. Business done.—V otes on Army Estimates. Tuesday Night.—In Lords to-night, Norruproox very angry about Beacu, who’s been “ saying things ” about him in the Commons. |The saying amounts to this, that, whereas CuiLpers reported a | saving of Two Millions on Vote of Credit, present Government, when | they came into oftice, found little more than One Million in hand, rest | having been — ¢ ~ of by my Lords of the Admiralty. | “* All very well for NorTHproox to protest and bluster,” says the | bland Bramwext, ‘‘ but where’s the odd Million? Perhaps he’s 'not personally responsible for it. Accepted what was told him at 'the Admiralty. But he’d have done better to say he’s very sorry, victim of system and all that kind of thing, and then join Hamitrow in vigorous effort to improve system. This blowing out of the cheek and querulous complaint about Brac is nonsense. : Another charge by Beacn of preparing torpedo-boats without 'torpedo gear, Nortuprook hotly denounces as ‘‘ one of the most | extraordinary naval mares’-nests that had ever been found.” ‘* What’s a naval mares’-nest?” I asked Brassey, who’s just been caught and brought home. | , } “Don’t quite know. Suppose it’s—er—something to do with a— er—sea-horse, don’t you know.” ; | Sensible man, Brassey. Overwhelmed with labours at \dmiralty. | As soon as Ministry resigned went off on a yachting tour and forgot to leave address. Very angry at being brought back ; ** Good gracious, Toy ! Be cried, with unusual access of anima- tion. “‘There’s nobody such a—er—fool as to suppose 7 know |anything about the Admiralty. Nice place. Appearance of some- |thing todo, Makes one a Minister, and that sort of thing. If we | were wrong, glad it was done respectably. None of your low fifty | or—er—sixty thousand pounds, but a good Million.” | In Commons the most agreeable and satisfactory debate heard for |a Jong time. Srannore made statement on introducing Education Estimates, caupemnnmies Se = from MuwpELLA, which shows | enormons strides in natio ucation with corresponding beneficial | | results atrect and indirect. Business done.—Education Estimates in Commons. Thursday Night.—A dreary speech from Cuitpens on Budget; a | drearier from e Right Honourable Jonw Getirenayp Houpnanp, | commonly known as ‘* Old Mother Hubbard.” ‘‘GeLLIpRaND means well,” said the Sage of St. Anne's Gate, | ‘and his manner is impressive. But take him all in all, and putting

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Jury 25, 1885. the matter not without a certain degree of frankness, he is a per- nicious bore.” Nobody had anything ionlar to say. There is the Budget. We parti must take it or leave it. If we leave it, what arewe going to do? First Appearance of Mr. Gorst as Solicitor-General. “One of Us.’’ Not a cheerful business, = mn et by —{—, - of supererogatory speeches. y man who sat’all through it was Dick- Peppre, (Know him well enough now to call him Dick, and a right good fellow he is. The House of Commons loses in him an honest, able, modest man, who does his duty and doesn’t blether.) ‘‘ What are you stopping here for ?” I sched, as I feebly crawled past, after three-quarters of an hour of Curipers and forty minutes of Geui- BRAND. ‘“‘ Is this a new form of committing suicide ?” * No,” he said, with demoniac gleam of c “*T like it. Suite me admirably. Last day in House. Don’t mean to sit again. Off to New Zealand. Want to get a thorough soaking before I| go. Getting it now.” And he turned with unabated to listen to SctaTEer-Booru. Later matters got more lively. Medical Relief Disqualification Bill on. House suddenly filled. Important to get Second Reading stage to-night. Suspicion that ents of Bill would talk it out, strengthened by } ae from Pett. Then CoLiines, to amaze- ment of friends of Bill, turned up. His views on question pretty well known. Been stated half a dozen times already. - be going to risk chances of what is practically his own measure for sake of making another speech!” said W118, taking’ a Bristol Birdseye view of the situation. Wuo ’s “Wer” now? Randolph executes a savage dance on the Royal but prostrate form of Sir W. “We.”’ Harcourt. (Friday Night, July 17.) “ Put it down a‘ We.’” —Mr. Weller Senior. But he was, and did, appropriating good half-hour of the limited time. Lots more to speak. Apparently no chance for Bill till Tatsor suggested that speeches could be mad ing into Committee. ** Capital idea,” said CotLines. things I forgot to say just now. I’ll mention them at the next stage.” House so overcome at prospect that ition i and Bill read Second Time. Business done.—Budget Bill read Second Time. Fri Night. — Parnellites impeach Earl Spencer. Have maloney bien for years, without effect. ‘‘ Now,” say: Paxnrit, “‘new Government in. We brought them in. Don’t work for nothing. Let them give us Spencer’s head on a charger.” Government in painful dilemma. Must meet the demands of Allies; but how can they, the Constitutional party, openly join with the Land-Leaguers, and strike blow at late Representative of Queen in Ireland? Something must be done, so Beach promises that CaRwNARVON shall try the Maamtrasna affair over again. : ** Pleasant evening you’ve had,” I said to Bracu, after it was over. Which was the most pleasant incident, the bantering of Haxr- court, the reproach of Bropenicx, the rebuke of Cuartes Lewis, the high scorn of Harrryeton, or the —- of Tox Hearty?” ‘* Well, to tell you the truth, Tony,” he said, with a wearied sigh, ‘*it was when Trim Heaty was patting me on the back that I most bitterly wished I'd resisted the temptation to betray NortHcore.” Business done.—None. A CASE OF HEARTLESS CRUELTY! A PERFECTLY trifling error of about £850,000 in the accounts of the late Board of Admiralty was made so much of, as if such a thing had never happened before, and such a very unusual fass was made about it, that it was thought desirable that the late First Lord and the late Secretary should attend in Parliament and give some sort of explanation to those low fellows ‘‘ who want to know, you know.” But neither of those illustrious ex-officials was in Town. The ex-First-Lord had a pleasant engagement in the oer | which would probably detain him for about a week, when he would return and see all about it. But where was the ex-Secretary? and echo answered, where? Most men who know that pleasant and popular mtleman know full well what would be his course of action irectly he was released from the boredom of office. A telegram would fly with lightning speed to his trusty Captain, and he would follow the pleasant telegram on the wings of an express train to the haven of his beautiful Yacht ; he would at once rush on board — anchor, spread the white sails to the fair breeze and thoughtf y remembering to forget to leave his address, , speed away anywhere, anywhere, so that it was direct from Whitehall. And so it turned out, but his heartless ex-colleagues with a refinement of cruelty seldom equalled, never surpassed, forwarded telegrams to every place at which he might possibly touch, urging his immediate return on most urgent public affairs. We may endeavour but in vain to fancy what his feelings were when he found awaiting him at the very first port he rashly entered an awful-looking telegram such as we have described, adding too, possibly, that there was a little matter of £850,000 deficiency in the accounts which it was desirable should be cleared up. His first thought, doubtless, was to write a little cheque for the amount, but as that would have been pleading guilty to some slight inadvertence, it was at once abandoned. We most of us know something of the no np used by our Jack Tars, and even by those who only occasionally go down to the sea in ships of their own, when anything of a particularly annoying cha- racter ruffles their usually serene temper; so we would rather not have to record the nautical expressions that probably fell from Sir Tuomas Brassey’s lips when he had fully fathomed the full meaning of that terrible telegram. _ Oh, the contrast of those two short runs! In the first we can imagine the rapture of the escaped Secretary, as his beautiful Yacht ran before the wind, and bore him swiftly away from boredom and anxiety. And then suddenly finding himself bound in honour to *bout ship and return, as the Judge says, to the place from whence he came, and enter upon a tedious and troublesome inquiry that cannot bring him honour and may bring blame. And in such weather too! The punishment seems awfully severe, and everyone who knows his genial nature will cordially a 6 him a speedy release, and a swift return to that summer sea that he loves so well. Our Annie. Ovr ANNIE was sorry and sad ; Alas, for her sweetheart she waited. He came, and she sighed, ‘* I’m so glad.” They married. She’s now ANNIE-mated. PRELATE AND PRIMROSE. ‘Tue wind is in course of being raised for the formation of a Bishopric of Wakefield out of the Bishopric of Ripon. Wakefield has risen to importance sufficient for a See. ** The Primrose " ought to oppose any such design. Imagine a Bishop of Wake ! Impossible. The Vicar of Wakefield can have no superior. ** Loxe « Brap.”—‘‘ Tauru,” said Mr. Frscn-Hartron, the other night, ‘“‘is one of the prime necessities of political life.” The Hon, Member should surely be re-named C#4rr-Frxcu-Harron ! He must have been joking! @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless aecompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS, should be kept by the

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COLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878, KINAHAN’S «rm crnu« PURE, MILD, AND LL Fa ne. eiitiovs yup WHISKY. WHOLESOME. THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865, 2, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET,LONDOM, W. LIQUEUR of the GRANDE CHARTREUSE. This excellent Liqueur, the great ventive of Choleraic Attacks and also for Indiges- tion, can now be obtained of all Wine Merchanta, The late advance m the Comoe duty not ees been maintained, the Liqueur is ble at prices which bring it Vithin the beach of measly all classes. Sole Consignee W. DOYLE, 2, New Lonpon Srazer, MARE Lane, E.C. SHERRY AND BITTERS.— _ Use KEHOOSH BITTERS, the King of Rapidly superseding Orang: ¢ and oy ‘cher or hinds Can be taken with advanta ‘I —— Marvellous aR The only Bitters that rea it Ppeomete neal DINNER, wom. wo passencer | |F TS, CLARK, BUNNETT & CO., 8t., London, E.C. PROSPECTUSES FREE. REVOLVING STEEL SHUTTERS, A HEALTH EXHIB" 1884. Eetablished 1801. HODGSON’S MINERAL WATERS. 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For ACIDITY or ras STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. Av. Cusmurs. “Ihe Only Gold FOR A MALTED INFANTS THEBESTFooD FORINFANTS SAVORY & MOORE. LON & OF CHEMISTS &c EVERYWHERE? Pre Ld Fry Guaranteed perfectly pure Cocoa only. NINETEEN PRIZE MEDALS, ’*s Cocoa Extract, F i ip 39 Op F JOSEPH GILLOTT'S PENS “FOR THE BLOOD I8 THE LIFS.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. Is warranted to cleanse the blood from a! impurities, from whatever cause a For Serefula, Seury arisi: . Sores of ail kinds, Skin and biood Diseases, its effects are eeryetous . "Thousands ef Testimonials from ail 2s. Od. each, re pares of six we uantit nih y + ofall Chemiats. Sent Lag the’ quan 4A mes Lancoum an a Mint ane 7 Countie SF nees Compant, Linco (OLDEN HAIR.—ROBARE'S AUREOLINE produces the beautiful Goiden Oglour so much isa and Ns ta of # all Chemists pen & Bons, 31 tnd 3 ry MORSON’S prerararions oF Highly recommended PEPSINE, ws: 2" vr Ss Bettie Emin bid ; INDIGESTION. ies, te, 5 and Gs, 6d.,and Powder, os. Bottles, at do, each. Sold by all Chemists. ' rfectiy harmless. Ps rincipal Perfumer snd any Agents, K Ho treet, London, W. Ah * arity Pepsine has acquired as aimosta pei hronic Ay psa indigestion, &c., is the fnct that the nearest posed bie pro duction of the active ovine le of the prapric jute the stomach. Unfortunately, ike a!) ether myen tons of a 7 nature, Pepsine has been not sii > ly by that been issued from time to time, it is therefore noose ow yt gnereniee ot its pl lw ere that each Southampton Kow, Kuseell ~s London. THE NORMAL DIURETIC APERIENT \ \ ps > a : r\ ; WA . Mineral Vn her (i

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Avaust 1, 1885.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49 TIPS! TIPS! TIPS! (More of “ the Ring and the Book.” By Our Specially-engaged Sportsman. ) Str,—** Odds, my life!” as the Book-makers used to say in the last century, but [ may refer your readers to my letter last week with the confidence of a man who knows what he is writing about, and who has by this time earned the gratitude of the astute Sportsmen who, seeing what I meant about the i ire Cup, cleverly avoided the Duke of Richmond, and backed Corunna, The Jockey was Watt—a regular Brick Wall. Let the weakest go to the Wall for advice in the future, and if he’s up to his Thursday form, the Brick-layers may back him at long hods. Lord Harrrneton was immensely pleased. Well, ‘’tis a poor Hant-1neron that never re- joices!” And now for Goodwood. “* Off, off! cried the Stranger ;” but I forget on what oecasion the Stranger cried off. It might have been applied to Goodwood this year, and would have meant that, as there were fewer than ten accept- ances for the Goodwood Stakes, the race became void, and all bets were off. This is the first time such a thing has happened in the history of Goodwood, and is one of the greatest miss-stakes of modern racing times. It must not occur again. Ere this letter appears, the first. oars racing will be over at Good- wood. How about the second day ? I do not intend to be too minute about the second, but still have a word or two to say for the benefit not of those who run horses, but who read leaders. For the Stewards’ Cup 1 can only say that if Lord Hartrneron doesn’t have it for his side- board, it will be because the horse which has so suddenly Bloss-omed into a winner may be full blown before he reaches the post, and will have yielded his place to those who shall have earned a right to occupy it. Sweetbread is one of the entrées, and Hermitage doesn’t go badly with this dish. If I am told that all the horses down in the list will come up to their several owners’ expectations, I reply, ‘“‘ Sir, you are a romancer; but there is such a thing as winning by a Neck- romancer.” In some cases it’s neck or okie. “* Brag’s a good dog,” and you will see whether this applies to him as a horse. Much depends on the weather, the state of the bellows, and the riding ; so a propos of Brag, let us sing, y, ‘‘ Hayhoe, the win and the rein!” Talking of singing, Lord Capocan may strike up ‘“‘ They ’ve none got a Mate but me!” and, as an Irish Friend of mine observed, ‘There 's more than may mate the eye in that horse.” A good deal of fine work about Laceman. Honiton soit qui mal y pense, and I recommend my readers to keep a w eye on his Hopperations. How easily Laceman may be turned into Placeman anyone who minds his ‘‘ p’s and q's” (and, after this, no one can x q’s himself for not minding his p’s) will see. Many a true word ’s uttered in jest, and, if the jest is bad, why, as the man who would make a pun would - a pocket, ‘jest send,” says my Irish Friend in, ‘‘ for a laceman,” Omens strike some people forcibly. hen you are rns Be Goodwood, look out for a Porter, and, if he’s a half- and-half chap, be cautious how you deal with the Duke of Richmond (there’s only one Richmond in the field, mind), and, when you alight, ask about Luminary, and you may get a perfect Blaise. No Time like the Present Times, pe be of course—that is, of race-course—it will be not unwise to make an exception in favour of Wild Thyme. Mind, Wild Thyme grows. When you want some- thing to suit, give a look round at the Tarzors’. If tired, go to Bed-ouin, which rhymes with Wire Epovrn, the eccentric edian, and this is but another way of spelling Ed-win. A but retain his “ h’s,” might read Hed-win. But this may or may not be. Whatever your luck may have been hi » let ** Nil Desperandum” be your motto ‘hen you're near Despair. Look out! Two for her heels! But Nil Desp. would have been a fine motto for the seuttling policy in Egypt; “‘ Despairing of the Nile.” However, I am a sportsman first and a politician afterwards. For the rest of the field I can only say, and those who know me know that I mean what I say and say as much as I mean, that is, when I’ve said all I mean, keep your Bright Eye and your Dart- mouth open, think of Childhood’s ha’ “fs 8 before a White-lock , and you went to school with a hel which you dis- Some features of a Race Meeting, and two remarkably straight tips. ome who may drop his money earded in the holidays, when you were taken to see a s le at the Theatre near old Hungerford Bridge, entitled Hobson's Choice ; or, The King of the Furies, the principal characters being Albert Melville, Adelina, who, as a Pearl Diva, sang a about Oyster Patti, a mysterious } or ho was always l , an Eastern Emperor, w any my r an Oriental Girl, who, as she would have to say to him, was mistaken for a Crosspatch, and repulsed him with an Energy which might have, in old times, distinguished a Highland Chief, and in modern times would have distinguished the plucky Commander of the Condor. It will not do for me to pretend to absolute certainty as a tipster, or I might be inclined to be frank with you about Sir Francis. Do you know the river Stour? Well, you may not set the Thames on fire, but can you find a match for a Stour-wick ? To return to omens. Going into a reading-room, a friend of mine the other day tripped over some cocoa-fibre matting, but as he was out for a trip, it didn’t matter. What did he pay Ha! matting!" Is this anything resembling Harmattan ? ~| down to luncheon, he was disappointed in not seeing . out, “‘ Ha! mutton!” What does this portend? He kicked the black-and-tan terrier, accidentally, as he explained, because not on any account would he Harm-a-tan, may be coincidences: | give them for what they are worth. Hot weather! Do you wish you were on the Boulevard? or down on the Royal Fern, in the sh Glen Albyn, going in a bucket to the Lang-well, which is as b as it’s lang, and I’m as deep as that is. Do I say leave well alone? Give me a quiet dinner at Royal Hampton, and let Saptxer provide the saddle for the party, and after the meal we shall all be Fud-men. Yours ever, The Cell, Bye Lane, Betfortowunshire. Perper Tae Hermit. Where ’s Lindley Murray, M.P.? Amone the Clauses to be proposed in Committee on the Criminal Law Amendment Bill, yang the following paragraph, the com- position of Mr. Samvxt Smiru, M.P. for Liverpool :— ‘* A justice of the peace if satisfied by information laid before him that there was no pc cause to believe in such unlawful detention of the girl, and that such persons acted wantonly and without bond interest in the girl, may be liable to be fined not more than forty ings, or im- prisoned for any term not exceeding fourteen days.’’ Poor Justice of the Peace! Rather hard onhim. Sammy Swirn must have a spite against Magistrates. GOODWOOD STAKES. (Cooked by Dwmb-Crambo Junior.) — a Entering for the Drawing Room.”’ “OL, LXEXIX,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —_ [Avaust 1, 1885, , THE WHITE-BAIT SEASON. Rustical Maiden Aunt (who is unacquainted with this ‘‘ delicacy of the Season”). “‘N-wo, rHanxk you! No S’rimps, THANK yYou!!” QUITE NEW AND ENTIRELY ORIGINAL, Dean Ma. Nriess, As I know you take an interest in theatrical matters, will ou allow me to tell you of a curious coincidence I have recently discovered? Thank you. Then here goes. 1 remember seeing somewhere, very many years ago, a play the central idea of which was a fraud committed by two persons upon a Baronet who had left in their custody his son by a secret marriage. In this old piece the agent of the Baronet—his Solicitor—had fm the boy to school, receiving for his maintenance a large annual allowance. d in this ancient comedy the Baronet suddenly turned up, to ask for his until-then-discarded child, to have palmed off upon him an im r substituted for the real Simon Pure by the agent, who had duly received the pay frem his principal, without informing that easy-going individual that the boy for whose support the money had been contributed had since run away. Seeing Cousin Johnny the other evening at the Strand, I was reminded of this old comedy, as the plot of both pieces appeared to be the same. But I liked the original comedy at the Strand far better than the original comedy at the Haymarket,—I am almost sure the piece I reccllect was played at the Haymarket,—because it was much simpler in construction. Instead of a solicitor and a schoolmaster imposing upon the Baronet as in the original, at the Strand it is a husband (a man who been the Baronet’s servant) and his wife who commit the fraud. In the Old Haymarket the changeling was a lad picked out of the streets, who had been a doctor’s boy, a lawyer’s clerk, and an omnibus conductor ; at the New Strand the changeling is a barman, and the son of what I may call the Baronet’s fraudulent trustees. In both pi the impostor hero is an innocent party, ignorant of the fraud commi upon the Baronet, whom he verily eaioaes S/he ceaty ant (osly bis poses, As I sat enjoying the quaint tricities of Mr. J. 8. Cranke as Johnny, I could not eh Sens & So Geeeet i had seen years , When n My! broad Comedian played Joe Wadd—ah, to be sure, Joe Wadd at the old Haymarket was the counterpart of the hero of the comedy (described in the bills"as ‘‘ new and original ”’)' at’the’Strand. | thought, too, how great an improvement had been effected at the Strand in making the true son of the Baronet (who is recognised in both pieces in Act III.) the Baro- net’s Private Secretary, instead of a Lieutenant of the ship that had brought the Baronet over from India with his niece, as he used to be at the Haymarket. It a to me more naturai that the rightful heir should fall in love with his unknown Cousin in that capacity than merely as a sailor. Besides, the Private Secretaryship accounted for the heir’s presence in attendance upon the Baronet ; while at the Haymarket the meetings between the cousins had to be of a more or less clandestine charac- ter. But the Strand version has this drawback, the young lady, Florence Courtney, requires a mother to chaperone her. At the Haymarket Alice Leslie, havi no avowed admirer, could be an orphan, without ma‘ encumbrances. Yet it is only fair to say that, by the introduction of the General’s sister, the unpleasant idea +s the —y~y ing to sacrifice his son’s and fay ppiness by a forced marri isappears, and it is the young lady’s Mamma (omitted at the Haymarket) who supports the match at the Strand. ' As I looked on _at the Strand, the dear old times came back to me, and I jotted down my memories side Ly side with the modern fancies. Here is a copy of the leaf from my note-book :— Haymarket ‘* Original.” Joe, avulgarian, is palmed off upon Sir William Mel- ville (a Baronet who has been secretly married when a Captain in the Army) by the Baronet’s agent, who has lost the ori inal, and who fears punishment for having ng ey the money sent to him by Sir Wiliam for that original’s mainten- ance. Sir William wishes his son to marry his niece. Joe refuses to m Strand ** New and Original,” Johnny, a vulgarian, is palmed off upon Sir Geor: Desmond (a Baronet, who has been secretly married when a Captain in the Army) by e Baronet’s agent, who has lost the original, and who fears punishment for having pocketed the money sent to him by Sir George for that original’s maintenance. Sir George his son to marry his niece. Johnny refuses to marry arry Alice, because he is in love with Penelope, a servant in the house of Sir William’s agent. Alice is in love with Henry Melville, who is known as Jacob Brown. Sir Willam’s agent in Act III. repents and con- fesses the fraud, and Henry Melville is acknowledged and betrothed to his cousin, the girl of his heart. Florence, because he is in love with Tilly, a servant in the house of Sir George's agent. Florence is in love with John Desmond, who is known as Hugh Seymour. Sir George's agent in Act III. repents and con- fesses the fraud, and John Desmond is acknowledged and betrothed to his cousin, the girl of his heart. Johnny marries Tilly, and Joe marries Penelope, and all ends happily. all ends happily. In both pieces the Baronet is disgusted at the vul- garity of Joe-Johnny. In both pieces Joe-Johnny is | naturally a good-hearted fellow, we. from first to last, | has the sympathies of the audience with him. At the | Haymarket there was an underplot, no doubt invented to introduce the various other members of the old com- pany. This under-plot dealt with female impostors, and an attempt to get up a breach of promise of marriage case—there is something of the sort, but very much shorter and less elaborate, at the Strand. The acting in the new and original comedy is very good all round. Mr. J. 8. CrarKe, as Joe-Johnny, could not be better ; he is SE alae the most original inci- dent of the piece ; and it is delightful to see Miss Burton as Lady Courtney. Then as Florence, pretty, intelli- gent Miss Lucy Bucxsrone—— Stay—Bucxsrons! Why, to be sure! Why did I not think of it before? And I wonder if Mr. Crarxe thought of it before! Did he suggest this excellent and novel idea to the new ‘and original collaborators? Well, Sir, any- how, Bucxstone was the Joe of the original comedy Mr. Rogers the Baronet, Mr. W. Farren the rightful heir, Mrs. Frrzwitt1am Penelope, and Messrs. CHIPPEN- DALE and Comerow the fraudulent trustees. To be sure! And, now I come to think of it, the old piece I have been describing was from the pen of Stertme Corner

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Avavst 1, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ZB \\e “yyy UM Me = 2 o 2. d\n “START” AND “ FINISH.” Lord Rosebery (the retiring), ‘‘ Just corna Raorne, Siz, as I’m LEAVING orr? WisH your Rovat Hicuwess Luck!” H.R H, “Taawx’ys, Tae Nosiz Racknors# was ALWAYS A LITTLE Hossy or Ming. Runes 1s THE Famity,” —of course there used to be an old joke about Sterling Coin, and not; ‘‘ THe Row across THe CHaNweL.”—Many persons who saw this imitation—it was called The Hope of the Family, and was first | placarded about last Saturday, thought the recent fracas in Hyde performed at the Theatre Royal, Haymarket, on Saturday, the 3rd of | Park between two noble Sportsmen had ended in pistols and coffee for December, 1853. Faithfally yours 'two on Calais sands. Others imagined that it was another French Tae 8 u or _— revolution. It was the news of the Oxford Eight having rowed across He Snort Maw witit THE Long MEMORY. | the Channel, on a calm day, so there was nothing to make a row about, P.8.—The Critic of the Telegraph the Strand Management are s0 delighted with his opinion, that they give it daily advertisement)! Fancy our dear old Lady’s horror when she heard that last week, suggests that Cousin Johnny is a return to “honest English | at Lord’s, a Cricketer had bowled a Maiden over. ‘‘ Poor thing! Comedy.” Artful this of the canny Scorr. It isareturn! Deary | exclaimed Mrs. KR. ‘I hope she was picked up again quickly, and me, to thirty years ago! wasn’t much hart.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 1, 1885,

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Lords, Monday, July 20.—AsHsovnye down to-day, intending to make maiden speech on moving Second of Irish Land Purchase Bill. Sprxncer also with speech ready. to be debate of the evening. But other matters Eetorvanel Bill not reached till Quarter to Bigh t. Time to be off to dress for dinner. Bill urgent ; time short. apie would say things if Lords adjourn without dealing with Bill; d yet if debate opened, what about dinner ! ? Happy thought aecnneall to ASHBOURNE. ‘*Let’s pass Second Reading without debate, and make our speeches on next stage. Then neither Bill nor dinner will damaged.” House jumped at mye pa Reading taken at a gallop, and all over by Quarter past Bight. ** RanpoLru ’s quite right,” said the “* There’s nothing No one — have thought of * the Mouse of Commntes, seetiees going a little awry. —o- on Treasury Bench practically cot by supporters. Bzracu tries to put bold face on affairs, bates his snail of ion. ‘ Never was fellow so unlucky as I,” he says, after ly trying what comfort there may be in Grorore HaMILron’s poe ot of tearing up bits of paper, and in _ Hevaiary sys od moustache. ‘‘ Haven’t conquered the aot folng about. ay my deserting NortTHoore at a critical shement hoion I business of the Land-Leaguers. Thought, after I’d thrown over Nortucorr, House wouldn't mind my giving up SPENCER. Seems it does, and what's worse, it’s our own aay who ’re rust Used to talk about late ing "humiliated | Good word, but isn’t strong enough for our slows to apy after Friday night’s business. ithe. boat, bt but everything seems to go wrong. Wish I was back joe bench opposite with Norracore by my side. Don’t mind the abuse of the enemy. What's hard to bear is the contempt of your friends.” Still there are consolations. Irish votes on to-night; postponed day after day in anticipation of arow. But Parnelli hes bSaeweably keep their share of bargain. True, Windbag a = an hour or so, Anruur O'Connor makes several speeches, Corbett treats with some detail of the history, prospects, and domestic economy of the Drumdrum Criminal Lunatie Asylum, and the brothers Repmonp rave. But Josern Grivts opens his long arms to Her Maj esty’s Government and clasps Hart Dyxe to his tender breast. (This in a parliamentary sense, of ou. -) Pleasing to find Jozy B. in this benevolent frame of even indbag Sexton’s beautiful of "the we litical sky in Ireland almost obscured with, shy showers of white 7 Y ane — a little em ny landishments orY, but doggedly repeats his formula. T ponent t care what happens, whether his reputation grows or diminishes. All he thinks of is the welfare of Ireland ! Business done.—Irish Estimates voted with both hands. like the introduction of new b this only for AsHBOURNE.” be | Cross’s face.

Tuesday.—Always watch with interest the growth of practice of introducing object-Lessons i in House of Commons. Lyon PLayrar one of the first practitioners, with his pots of oleomargarine, an his specimens of butterine. Then came Farqumansow, with a cal- cined — conveniently carried in waistcoat pocket. Next, Broap- HURST ueed masons’ tool-chest, and described its contents to cdheenerd House. Only other night CAMERON, denouncing War Office delinquencies, brought down a s oat = which there was no oil, and which bee > not a candle. Onstow brings in a copy of illustrated broadsheet, and, as Mruthfal James puts it, “chucks it at the head of the Home Sxcretary.” “* Have you seen it?” Onstow growls, behind the hapless Home Secretary. No answer. are!” and the champion of the Trad Cross shrank, shuddering, from the contact, violently shaking his head in deprecation of this treatment of a Page oe oor sue Secretary of State. Onstow’s manners —_ Drops the paper over Cross’s Sos. Cross es Cellet on attempt to look as if it wasn’t there. Bzacn takes it up between finger and thumb, and hands it back. Owstow returns it, and the CHaNcELLon oF THE Excuequver, amid manifest signs of interest on part of CAVENDISH am, throws it under the table. “ Keep your eye on CavewpisH Bentinck,” Witrrip Lawson whipess he’ be accidentally about the table presently ; his} will observe with surprise a pictures in it under the table, and will innocently walk o f4 it.’ A pretty seene this; fairly —— present relations be ago Government and their su porters, Bzacm has a particularly bad time of it; chaffed by Members opposite, and having illustrated and worse things thrown at him from his friends behind. “It’s rather disheartening,” said Joun MANNERS, looking. = und us| the jeering crowd before him and the angry faces behind, to go through weeks of the Session, and no one to ery ‘ God bless you! }’? Wednesday Morning.—Things going from bad to worse. C. 5. Reap, Lewis, Lowruen, Pett, Tarsor, all stout Conservatives, temper, momentarily lost it. Fell, tooth and nail, seen soaps = Haxcovrt, nothing loth, accepted Bea Sy the Bae aitten, narrowly escaping defeat. in at the House from pan the SpeakeEn’s chair. What are you looking so anxious about ?” bewai in discredit brought upon Party by action of Leaders. At Two o’Clock this morning Bracu, after gallant effort to keep his Front Bench opposite, and sna bly announced et, whee happened, the ne (Medical — should go through ‘ais invitation to a row. Has. DOLPH, with a joyous whoop, joins, and r begins ; finally ends with the Government, Business done.—Medical Relief Bill passed through Committee. Wednesday Afternoon.—Came upon Grand Cross this afternoon, pee SP in Walk in!” I said with ready and unforced humour peculiar to me in the Dog Days. “ There ’s nothing to pay. ** Ah! is that you, Topsy?” said the Home Szcrerary, starting.

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=P PmSBEEE BES o-- «+ S oe 5 el cel el Avovust 1, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53 “ Tho ht it was Onstow. Seen him about anywhere to-day? Did he look as if he had an illustrated paper in his pocket ? — y,\|I very annoying to have a man going on as OnsLow does, leaning over Secretary of State, and rubbing hi s rose with an obnoxious news- paper. Never had to put up with this kind of thing before. Don’t mean to stand it now.” “Then you’d better go in, put a bold face on it, and let Onstow know you’re not to be trifled with » “You're right, Tony; Ll do it.” And he did it as far as appearance went, putting on severe magisterial air, though shrinking a little when he discovered Ons- Low in his place, and eare- fully selecting seat out of arm’s length. ** Let him rub somebody else’s nose with his news- papers,” he muttered de- fiantly. ‘*There’s Ran- potrH. Let him try him.” Onstow hadn’t brought another newspaper with him, but repeated his ques- tion of former day as to . intention of Home Sxecre- y TARY with respect to sale Very Cross. of certain prints in the street. Grand Cross, with wholesome apprehension of a possible newspaper, returned careful answer, which said nothing particular, but sounded well. OnsLow, after momentary hesitation, deferred further personal application of the newspaper, and Cross took the earliest opportunity of leaving the Treasury Bench. Business done.—One or two Irish Votes agreed to. Thursday Night.—Letter from Captain Gosser announcing his retirement from office of Sergeant-at- s, held for fifty years. Sir Tomas May could searcely control his emotion as he read the letter. Haxcovurt openly wept, whilst JosepH GILuis, producing a b of vast proportions and mixed colours, suspiciously hid his face. | ‘‘Many’s the time he’s walked me out,” said Jozy B., with snuffle that did credit to his emotionable temperament. ‘‘ Couldn’t say at the moment how many times I’ve been suspended, but never ~— =? ESTIMONIAL (ner Gossey Senn ARMS ME PUNCH Tosy- 1. f. Mr. Punch, ‘1 feel that in losing Mr. Gosser we are losing not merely an invaluable pictorial servant and a rare model of a Sergeant-at-Arms, but also a valued personal friend. Tony, let us drink to the health and happiness of the Sergeant-at-Arms with three times three.’’ oby. “* Anda little one in! The Sergeant's health!”’ [ They drink. received anything but courtesy from Gosset. Fancy I can hear his voice now. ‘JosEpH GILLIS,’ says he, laying his hand on m shoulder, ‘the SpEaKER’s ordered you out, and out you go by croo or by hook, by crop or by neck. Come along quietly, for the love of Heaven, or, as sure as you’re si there, I'll run you through with my sword!’ Ah! there’s w the niceness of the man came out. His way was so winning, and his sword so handy, that always went with him without maki any fuss.” 2 PARNELL peblicly bore testimony to the esteem in which the good Gosset is he - 4 Irish Members. So deeply moved, that he actuall attempted to make a joke with sly hit at the lack of amiability an almost entire absence of humour which distinguishes his following. CALLAN took the jibe seriously, and loudly cheered. Business done.—Government defeated on Medical Relief Bill by majority of 50. Friday.—An evening of mixed excitement, and varied interest. Su to have met to pass Supply. Before reaching business, 0’ Barren danced upon an Irish landlord; Barciay of Procu- rators Fiscal; SamurL Sarrn delivered entrancing lecture on Bi- metalism (* His great grandfather ApamM's remarks on the Wealth of Nations quite dull after this,” said Harr Dyxr); Deasy on Earl Spencer’s criminal refusal to appoint Mr. Jonn ©’ Barren, T. C., Governor of the Cork Lunatic Asylum; Sexton on Peter O'Gara arrested for drunkenness, put in Sligo Police Barracks, and subse- quently found dead, while another man (who might have been Earl Spencer) was ‘‘ found sitting on the floor with his coat and waist- coat off ;” and Morttoy ‘ went for” Magistrates of King’s County. Business done.—Some Votes in Supply. A ROYAL WEDDING. Princess Beatrice married to Prince Henry of Battenburg, July 23, 1885. Happy the bride on whom so bright- ly shines Our lish sun, ith ight from loyal lines Of honest En- glish faces, A princely hus- band’s fond ex- ultant smile, A Royal Mother's love,—all that our Isle Of best and bra- vest graces. Happy the bride! And happy may she be, The wife, whom Wight’s green isle, we trust, shall see For many and many 4 season ; England’s home-staying daughter, bride, yet bound As with silk ties, within the ome-round By many a gentle reason. Reasons of heart, with which no rules of state Clash cruelly. Fair, filial, fond, elate Glad bride and daughter loyal, Where’er she flits may it be on love’s wing, Returning sure that in our hearts will ring A welcoming right royal ! The Royal Ring-Doves. “THEY ’VE GOT NO WORK TO DO!” A Mr. Hacorian having written to Lord SaLissury, pressing on him the need of carrying out reforms in Armenia, “ in conformity with the 6lst Article of the Treaty of Berlin,” without being snubbed, other Correspondents will now arr sa | feel encouraged to indite letters to the Prime Mrnisrer, setting forth the paramount and immediate necessity of, — 1. Devoting at least half a million of the Pad money toa scientific investigation of the recent eruptions of katoa. 2. Sending an Ultimatum to the Czak, reminding him of a sort of half-promise made twenty years ago, not to attack Khiva. 3. Building twenty thousand of Railway to the Equator (also with Tax-payers’ money), to educate the illiterate Savage. 4. Erecting the largest telescope in the world (cost not to exceed that of one large Ironclad) to discover the particular ‘‘ Manual of Political Economy ” most in use in the Saturn. 5. Re-establishing “ Friendlies” all over the world in the “ status quo ante" —any amount of British promises and belief in the same. 6. Getting on in India without the Opium Revenue. 7. And finally— ing the fixed conviction of the Government that the time = at le arrived for (A) conan the Circle. (s) Suppressing Pauperism. (¢) Abolishing Hard Times, Over- crowding, Intemperance, and Crime and Misery generally.

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” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL sensed 1, 1885, MUSIC AT HOME. (A Comic Song, in French, by Monsieur Patatras.) Mamma (sharply), “‘ Vara, wor von’r you Laven! Can’r You SEE EVERYBODY ’s IN Fits?” Miss Vera. *‘He Styes so Fast, Mamma! Mamma, ‘‘No more vo I—NO MORE DOES ANYBODY. I DON’T UNDERSTAND A WorD HE says!” But YOU NEEDN'T SHOW IT, YOU sILLY CarmLp!!” WITH THE STREAM. Bouncing “ Bow” loquitur:— Pott away! Yes! By Jove, it scarce needs pulling, So clear the course, so smoothly swift the stream. This is the loveliest bit of double-sculling. Obstruction? Adverse tide? All, a a dream ! Aren't we just opel Boat slips along as though old were towing it. Knew we should do it, if we once got seated, And here we are at last, old boy, in clover. Perfectly lovely! Eh? What? Get defeated ? By whom? Why it’s a regular “‘ walk-over.” Croaking’ s blank folly. When everything ’s so wonderfully jolly. Those other aon. couldn’t pull together ; A regular scrateh lot and stroked all wrong Sir Lupsocx’s ’Arries they, no “ time,” no “ ‘feather. + But see how ss we slip along! Row brothers, row!” Pile on, my Bracu, and put in all you know! Too fast already ? Well you are a duffer. Yon Cee gn oe Soey |) ala ou were some a old buffer, Or novice who had Sovur aiedeed before. Pull away, Hicks! We're two young fliers, not two stiff old sticks ! What was the use of “ chu puss a8 Geer, If you, too, turn a shirker FF agar spree Rolli , frolicking, spurty. Holiday out! Ri 7a andy sky Before we ’ve done ; Where are we going? With the stream, of course ! Eh? ‘Took our extra solemn double davy That we would stem it, whatsoe’er its force ? Pooh! We were then on shore. Why cry peccavi Before you have to ? He’s a poor slave who conscience is a slave to. We've dished them splendidly, the rival crew, ‘Taken their water,” and got well ahead of them. Fouled them? Oh, do shut up, old croaker, do! Those declared em need not mind what’s said of them y well-licked fellows, Who failed—as they did—from sheer lack of “‘ bellows.” It’s splendid going here, so swift, s0 easy. What’s that you’re muttering " facilis descensus ? Oh, hang old apophthegms, and don’t turn queasy ! Punctiliousness in narrow sheepfolds pens us, And tame t ror Shelves us at last. Look : sase iddyiddity ! mgeeen | is it?. Ah! nite forgotten. But Tweedledum or Tweedl ee what matters it ? Mere scrupulosity as a stay proves rotten, The rough-an — of the world soon shatters it. Don’t be a duffer, My dear Hicxs-Beacu, or Starry’s fate you’ll suffer. What? A weir yonder? Oh! I’m a-weir of it. There! Better old Joe Millers than old saws. I do not stand especially in fear of it, Although they ’ve written “ Danger” near its jaws. From nettle ‘* Danger” We may pluck “ Safety.” Things have happened stranger. At any rate let’s have our pull. It’s jolly To watch the bilious faces of our rivals. Blow caution and consistency! Both folly! But if we have the luck to prove survivals, Yon rapids We'll show ’em cuniline new in stroke and steering. 'TLIT Bag 2°" “TAY Wnty TC

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—A WITH THE STREAM.

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oS aie Papen g sem To

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Avoust 1, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Z LZ vite Ea PO GPE FPID PEE PEPE = SOD “TZ ( “4 ‘i F SL 4 _—, » ket ii @ Ih A\\ Dy: Ss aA: Me zs EZ“ A - 7 ee ae Vy tit OVER-PRESSURE. He, “Dip you GO To HEAR Mr, Georcr’s Lecture!” She. ‘*No. Wuo’s Mr. Gronce!” (Pause.) He, ‘Dip you Go To HEAR JOACHIM!” She. “‘No. Wuo's Joacuim?” He, She. ‘‘ No. (Pauwse.) Wuo’s Sr. Pavi?” ‘*HAVE You HEARD St. PAUL aT THE ALBERT HALL!” [Gives it up. General Alysses S. Grant. BORN, 27ru APRIL, 1822. DIED, 23np JULY, 1886. Over all the suyriad leagues of the Now Wor ’er all the myriad leagues ew World Its desolating banner, when fierce hate And brother-sundering feud first shook the State, Two noble names shone chiefly, Lez and Grant, These twain, titanically militant, Shocked like conflicting avalanches. Now Peace, brooding o’er the land with placid brow, Sees the great ghters fallen. He at last, The calm, tenacious man, who seemed to cast Defiant looks at Death, the stoic stern Whom long-drawn . “rT could not bend or turn, Lies prone, at , after such stress of grief As must have found the summons glad relief An Iron Soldier! If, as foemen say Mixed with true metal much of earthly cley Marred the heroic in him of full state, His land will not record him less than great, Who, in her hour of need, stood firm, and stayed The tide of dissolution. Unafraid The a ty heart, the patriot muse, may vaunt The golden service of ULysses Grant. TO SOME DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. Mr. Creswick, honourably associated so many years in theatrical ement with Mr. Sueruend—they were the M ese twins, inseparable ‘‘ Suxp- HERD and ck” —is going to take leave of the Stage. We thought he had retired altogether lon , but are delighted to find the Cres-wick not snu out, but puauieg with all its former fire. But this is what we ave to suggest, and we s t it to the Archiest of the CaMPBELLS, who will be only too pleased to play in, or out of, Coombe Wood, and readily wood coombe to the assistance of the veteran tragedian. Are not ‘“‘ The Pastoral Players” the very people to do their very best for the man who, throughout his professional career, was always associated with a SHeruHerd? Do this: help him by hook or by crook. What a beautiful real Snow Scene the Pastoral Players might have in the winter ! and why not a Snow Pantomime with a dance afterwards,—a Snow Ball to follow?’ But revenons a nos moutons, as CHARLES Lams said. N.B.—The Committee for the Creswick Benefit meets at the Lyceum Theatre, Thursday, July 30th, at 2°30 p.m. QUITE ABOVE BOARD, _ Tue evidence elicited by the Select Committee appointed to inquire into the recent discrepancies in the Admiralty Accounts, having very naturally created in the minds of the present officials some slight confusion as to the precise nature of the responsibility falling upon them each individually in the discharge of their respective duties, the following brief prelimi ‘Paper of Regulations” for the guidance of the Secretary has already been issued by the Authorities at Whitehall :— Tue SECRETARY OF THE ADMIRALTY. _To obviste for the future any possible misconception as to the limits of the Secretary’s official right of interference either with the eanguine Conqerement of ey or the ive yy of his bordinates, he shall, in of peace, vour to make things pleasant all round— aw, By avoiding nasty questions that can only lead to disagree- (2) By putting a kindly and genial construction on suspicious- My fy sere te tthe Tn en pias _(3) By playfully saying to the First Lord, if ible, after a dinner at the Accountant-General’s, ‘‘ You must play your own little game on your own responsibility, you know. Ha! ha! Don’t mind me! Bless you, I’m not you.” __In time either of war, or of immediate preparation for it, then a little eral latitude should mark the Secretary’s conduct ; and, to enable him efficiently to dispose of the, very probably, em problems that will present themselves to him in course of business, it will be his duty to get hold of a thoroughly comic Contractor. This personage, who should be able to imitate animals, and do some amateur conjuring, Secretary should at once button-hole, = i Ay: of leading up to Government —-, ask him a few old- should gradually in the departmen’ drop into the rd —_ Laegpn ty will be, to maintain, with some such ques' * wanten twelve colliers at a pinch, with or without crews, for the purpose of despatching them either as pleasure yachte with—no matter how many men—to—never y mind where, how long would it take them to get there and e at naae-e- see for the first ar a) what, would be the two s or eve As the tractor Me be able to answer this at once very funny, or has it before chance of scorin §, but as soon as his com it, get out a two- halfpenny and of three whether he shall put the sum, te eee the will be ortably By this time the Contractor correctly that the sole official De pod pee © i is, of course, the ead into the First back of the fact that, as far at all events as yet, no reason Admiralty joke is a thing

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A PROTEST. [A consignment of Cat-fish has been received here. } On, & not bring the Cat-fish ere The Cat-fish is a name of fear. Oh, spare each stream and ng, The fant swift, the Wandle clear, The lake, the loch, the broad, the mere, From that detested thing ! The Cat-fish is a hideous beast, A bottom-feeder that doth feast Upon unholy bait ; He ’s no addition to your meal, | He’srather richer than the Fel, And ranker than the Skate! | His face is broad, and fiat, and | glum, He’s like some monstrous Miller’s-thumb, He ’s bearded like the pard ; | Beholding him, the Grayling | flee, TheTrout take refuge in thesea, The Gudgeons go on guard! | He grows unto a startling size ; The British Matron ’twould surprise, |W And raise her Burning Blush, | 4% To see white Cat-fish, large as | man, Through what the bards call ** waters wan ”’ Come with an ugly rush! They say the Cat-fish climbs e trees, And robs the roosts, and, down the breeze, Prolongs his caterwaul ; Ah, leave him in his Western wy) MIAH THE BITTER CRY OF THE : * He LEAVES ME OUT Where Mississippi churns the mud, Don’t bring him here at all! | GIVES NOTHING ! Sort or LIBERAL By Jingo, IT’s GOING TOO FAR. On, YES, A NICE OLD [Avaver 1, i NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC. WHEN our now world-re- | nowned series of “ Exteriorsand be collected, and republished with a key—with, in fact, a bunch of keys. As, however, there may some delay in their re-issue in k-form, we shall adopt on each occasion one of co ” t.e., We may give the key with the pic- ture, or we may give the picture in one number, an key subsequently in another; or we may choose to treat them from time to time as Pictorial Pazzles, and bestow a Prize Volume of the collected series on the competitor who scores the largest number of suc- cessful guesses. “TIS TRUE, *TIS PATTI!” Last Saturday night Mme. Apetina Patti, after being complimented on her allowing nothing to pay her from coming to fulfil her engage- ment at the Royal Italian Opera—(how very kind of her! wasn’t she paid for it, and at a pretty considerable figure too? or did she do it out of pure regard for Mr. MapLxEsoy and her love of re escorted to the Midland Hotel by a shouting mob, police, and torch-bearers. We are sorry to think that,’after giving and | experiencing so much pleasure the gifted Songstress shoul have ‘* suffered torchers ! ” aesv -_ ~™ PARLIAMENTARY CLARKE, HERE IN THE COLD; PaRTy You ARE!” THE NEW SKOOL OF GILDHALL MUSIC. _Wett, the Copperashun’s a going it pretty well I thinks, con- sidring as its only jest from sudden death or a lingring consumtion from its resigned ry" Most Copperashuns and other Publick Bodies who had bilt the finest set of Markets in the hole world, and the finest day Skool in the hole world—were th — ey all the biggest prizes in the hole world, that is to say they wood if they was strong enuff, but they gits so many on ’em as | ’re forced to have a cab to ’em away to their appy omes— and the finest free Libery in the hole world—were they es such lots of Reeders that the werry Poplar Libraryun kas to send lots on ’em away to the Brittish Mewsceum coz he ain’t got room enuff for ’em—wood have thort as they was now intitled to jest a little rest. But no, not them, for some bold Common Counselman having hinted at bilding a Skool of Music, sumboddy sed, “Go to Bath!” and he went to and then they both gos to a regler Emperor of a Alderman and says to him, “ let’s have a Skool of Music.” ‘So we will,” says the rman, and so they set to work. And now let us see how the littel idear growed to a werry big ’un. opened it for a Skool of Masick Marster enuff, for we’ve got In ear the in’t harf ig house next to the e boys | the | us all by | the expense ?” the imperial Alderman said, ‘‘ If there’s any bother at Sut, I’ll pay it myself.” So that little matter was soon | settled. Then they made the plucky yung chap a Cheerman, and sent him | to lay the fust stone of the new Skool on the Tems Imbankmeant, witch he did it last Wensday with a lovely reel silwer trowell as big | | asa spade, and tho the Lord MARE coudn’t cum coz he was a bilding a Horsepittle or summat of that sort elsewheres, he sent his love to the plucky Cheerman and lent him won of his Sherryffs and a Alderman or too and lots of Deputtys and peeple to help him, so it must have bin quite a grand site on the Imbankment, witch I regrets as I didn’t see coz I wasn’t there, but was told by them as was, and then they all come back to dinner, and there I did see ’em in coarse, And werry good eppytights their werry ard work seemed to have guv’em, and lots on em made speeches, and werry good uns too considring 4s they was ony a Mewsical Committy. And the Hedhitter of the Times was there, and he said—as ony sitch a mitey swell coud say— **If the Copperashun spends about a hundred thousand aod in bilding up a Skool of Musick, it will shew as they are worthy of the Times!” It’s suttenly a large price to pay for sitch a honner, but I spose as it carn’t well be done for less, and so Cheerman Morrison says, “‘ Right you are!” and so it’s as good as dun. The Cheerman made werry short speaches, witch for wunce we was werry sorry for, as he speaks werry well, but he made hup for it b ingi a= song in his own grand style. But he quite pokes owing us wot a horful raddical he is! y, he sung 4 song about a King’s life being nuffin compared to a Common Coun- selman’s, witch although I dessay it’s trew enuff, for I don’t ae as there ’s any life as cums near a un Cheerman’s, yet all us Waiters thort that as it ’ud be better, when so many Press Gents was present, jest to keep it a little dark, or there ’ll be such a rush for the panes 0S pe 6 SNRs cote the present occypents of comferel Cop- un Cheers. I noticed as a singler cohincidents, that wen he said in his song, “The King can drink the best of wine, so can I!” every wun of

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— s @Yoasuo Bs. - a ee ie ee ee ee en | es ake a? | Avaver 1, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 15. 4 a ile ASICS Lexy Vas || | {| | Il CER EIGER ZS thee | 7 te ) / 4 - ~ ; , es J loans Jina IN ‘‘GLADSTONE’S ROOM,’’—I.E., IN THE ROOM OF GLADSTONE. Press Gents filled his glass to the brim and tried the truth of his statement, and then om 2 second vppa A ASW 80 two. e day was wo a en of a reel good ’un, for it with a good deed and ended with a good dinner. Ah, if most of our days was begun and ended in the same way as that ere day, what a different world it ’ud be! Goodness and Kindness and Charity and Silver Trowels and Music in the Morning, and Good Dinners and kind short speeches and ital Songs and Christian Horspitality in evening. It may be ony a dream of the cumming Future, but wot a dream ! Roser. TENNYSON’S TROUBLE. Very ful, no doubt, was the Laure- pide A ep é TRICE, W it, as Her hness took ee, for “ better Tad B t s , vr ~~ ut what in Heaven’s name, **,* Conjectured planet’ is good.” But “‘ be- tween two suns”? Was the Poet Laureate thinking of the lines in the Critic, about ‘“*Two revolving suns”? Or was he only “‘ mooning,” and not thinking of anything in | or, except what a bore it was to be a ‘cet Laureate, and compelled to turn out machine-cut couplets to order? However, his Lordship, the Laureate, may congratulate himself on the fact that, if there is a ‘‘ con- jectured planet” standing like a donkey | tles of hay, or like a noodle | tween two bot between two stools who comes to the ground, —we don’t mind helping the troubadour to a simile or two gratis,—and ‘‘two suns” left for his phenomenal planet, at least there are not two daughters left, whose weddings will force him to mount his willing, but weary, Pegasus. THE KEY OF “GLADSTONE’S ROOM.” Tosy Dog, Tony Dog, Where have you been ? “*T ve been to GLapstone’s Room,” t do you mean ? Tony Dog, Tony . saw you there “T saw a li man in GLADsTONE’s chair.” Here Satissvry hollars, ‘Oh, Ranpoiren, what collars!” But Rawpotpn says, ‘‘ Sarum, It suits me to wear ’em.”’ Says IppEsLeicH to Grrrorp, ** We’ve not often differed, CRANBROOK is weig HaMILTon ’8 6a: " Duke o’ Bicumonp you'll find him With Grsson behind him, Grand Cross is the man up, And Srawnore will stan’ up, While listening to each Sits MicHAaEL ~~ ome

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Avevst 1, 18865, | HAYMARKETING. Tue interior of the Haymarket Theatre, Monday night, July 20, on the oceasion of the Banrcrorts’ Farewell, wasa erful sight. . Ob Peay as ™ $4 oe py, ENGADINE.) Cease? eee. ——— M; id M.«. Banerof wenging). Farewell to the spot where so happy we 've been, And now we are off to the Engadine. [ Bzeunt dancing. The heat was intense: not adry eye but wanted wetting, and the other eye also after that. ** Warm, isn't it!” exclaimed the President of the Royal Academy, to Sir Ropert Browninc —he isn’t Sir Ropert, but he ought to be ; he’s our Sir Ropert until our own Rosert gets knighted, than which there are more unlikely events that may happen in the Home of Turtle and Fine Linen. ‘“*Warm!” replied Sir Rosert Browyrne. the sea-side |” “What! Walmer!” cried the President. ** Yes, even that,” returned the Bard; “for I’d prefer to be Browne in the sun to be baking under the gaslights.’ ‘‘How about the Leger?” gasped Mr. Jonnw Hare to Captain Haw tery Smaxt. ** Melton,” answered the noble Sportsman, fanning himself with a handkerchief. ‘Ha! a hot favourite!” said Mr. J. H., booking the tip. ‘‘ Tre- mendous heat!” ‘* Heat!” murmured the Captain. heats.” I don’t know what most ge thought of the bill of fare pro- vided for our entertainment, but, personally I would, ‘‘on sucha night,” to quote the Bard, rather have had selections from the Robertsonian pieces than the first Act of BuLwer’s Money, and a scene from BoucicauLt's London Assurance. It was interesting and amusing enough to see Mr. Jonn Clayton as a Butler—very much “ out of place ””—and Mrs. Jonw Woon, as a Maidservant, chucked under the chin by Mr. Coantes WrnpHaw, who played Sir Frederick Blount as if he were first cousin of Lord Dundreary. Funny, of course, was also Mr. Davip James, who seemed to have forgotten a considerable amount of whatever he might onee have known of this part. But what did it matter? We laughed, all of us. But criticism is out of the question on so excep- tional an evening, and therefore I will suppose that all did their best, and looked their best. I would rather have seen Mr. Hare as Lerd Ptarmigan, or Beau Farintosh than as Sir Harcourt Courtly, aud Mrs. Kenpat as Dora, in Diplomacy, than as that very theatrical Amazon, Lady Gay Spanker. I should say that, where all were so saccessful, Mr. Kenpa.’s “Yoicks! and who-hoop or Tallyho!”—or whatever the sporting cries were that he gave vent to,—might have, as the slang goes now- a-days, ‘‘ taken the eake.” It thrilled through Captain Haw try Smart, who, had it not been for the oppressive atmosphere, would with difficulty have been restrained from joining in a shout so dear to the heart of every true sportsman. The only person who seemed to take it cool was Sir Henny Irvine, as he stepped lightly on to the stage and delivered himself of some most appropriate lines, written by Sir Cirement Scorr—(in these days, when everyone is being Baronetted or Knighted, it is so difficult to refuse a title to those whose names seem to a ny tee og to have a handle fitted to them)—whereat all the house cheered, to be in return itself cheered by the entrance of Sir Jomw Lawrence Toor, whose few words put everyone in a better humour than ever. **T wish I were at “It’s equal to three —— Then the Curtain went down, and in a few seconds again arose, showing a stage covered with floral trophies, telling, not as mere flowers of speech, but in the very best language of flowers, of the tribute of affectionate regard which everyone present felt for the retiring Manageress. The Manager had to come forward , and speak for himself and partner. I felt inclined to say, “* Don’t be down-hearted, Sir! ‘don’t cry, Mr. Cooxe!’ This is not good-bye, but au revoir!” and, after there’s not much to weep about in having finished work early, and being able to retire in the very prime of life with a large fortune, good health, and the best wishes of a vast number of genuine friends, at a time when a majority of working men at the Bar, for example, who have toiled and toiled, and had to keep up appearances, are only just beginning to get out of difficulties, and to know the Tnxury of an.increasing reserve-fund on deposit. Bless my dear pockets, I only wish I had half the cause for tears that my friend, Ex-Manager Bancrort has, and I would weep for joy ? The Bancrorts have done much for the Stage: in fact, the mise- en-scene at the houses where Comedy is payed. owes its present completeness entirely to them. They, and Mr. Hane with them, introduced the natural style of acting, thereby supplanting the theatrical tone and gestures of the old school, which Burlesques had done good service in laughing off our Stage for ever. I wish them health, happiness, ad muitos annos, and am theirs very — Sorr Nrpss, SELLING OFF!!! SALISBURY, CHURCHILL, & Co.'s GREAT SUMMER SALE!! | Now proceeding at the Conservative Stores, Westminster. In consequence of Change of Management, Premises must be cleared | before November next, AT any Cost, Preparatory to the introduction of the New Season’s Goons, In the shape of an extensive and recherché assortment of Nx0-Tory-Democratic NovgLTIES, Selling Off, at an Alarming Sacrifice, all the immense Surplus | Stock, and vast quantities of Cheap Goods, specially purchased at | Lowest Sale Prices. GREAT BARGAINS!!! A few of which are quoted below :— Fine Old Conservative ate going cheap (slightly out of fashion), | A large assortment of Party Promises (slightly damaged). } A Jos Lor Of Patriotic Bunkum, Fiscal Bow-wow, and Fair-Trade Fallacies to be disposed of in large or small parcels at prices absolutely WITHOUT RESERVE!!! Batance or A Lance Bankrupt Srock or Potrrica Piepers | | Unredeemed) offered at Prices unprecedentedly low. Astounding Changes and Absolutely Ruinous Reductions ! ! ! Over Two Hundred Party Cloaks (Reversible) at any Price you like! Also, One Superb and Unique ‘‘ Elijah’s Mantle” To be Sold to the Highest Bidder. Large Stock of Hibernian Muzzles (extra strong), laid in by the late Management during a period of panic, at the urgent advice of Russian Leather Goods and Egyptian Bric-a-brac ! Immense Bargains! ! Also a number of Political Reputations (damaged), Violent Party Speeches (disavowed), Promises (mostly broken), Long-tried Leaders (deserted), Alliances (abandoned), Statements (unfounded), Statistics (cooked), &c., &c., in one large MisceLLanzovus Lor, to be parted with at any price—or none—to any Parties promising to cart them away and say no more about it. REMEMBER! MUST BE SOLD!! For further particulars apply to the ‘“‘ Boy wira tHe Drum” (answering to the name of Rannoupn), at the door of the Conserva- tive Stores, Westminster. [ApvT. THE Bey » Tele “4 the a. Pa is said, we believe, awe respectable medical authority, that Sergeant Botmer, 2ndjLincoln, the Crack Shot at Wimbledon this year, was passionately devoted to bull’s-eyes from his earliest childhood, and used to make seores of them himself. “@@ 10 CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should kept by the Senders. ULU W “ Wineh aputa Rive quid mud ; RUIT BAL ere Was no ery one wa iipped boa nly doing ju HE SI y the | ployed in : t(AUTIO A ELE ILD MEDAL 28. Cannisoe Pa RICHD. 2 and 94, |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avever 1, 1886, THE STOMACH GOVERNS THE WORLD."—cenerat convow.

a) foes OsF lh Feat iM! ae | D E P AR a E D E R R @) R Ss. “OUR PAST becomes the Mightiest | Teacher to our FUTURE. Looki back over the tombs of DEPARTED RS, we behold by the side of each the face of a WARNING ANGEL.” — Lord Lytton, H°s*s TO AVOID THE INJURIOUS BOTS y, eee ANTS.—The present system living partaking too fich foods, as pastry, saccharine and fa:ty pone oa Len aleoholic drinks, ay an insufficient amount of Sgercise frequently deranges the liver. i would advise all people— unless they are careful to keep the liver acting —to ae greet maee = Se use of alooholic drinks ; we that eve we jute largely with water. Experience room! ales, port — dark sherries, ewoet rs, and brandy, are all very ery opt to disag: ee; wines, and gin or whisky large a; with ae tae be found the least objectionable. ENO'S RU the iver: adapted for any constitutional the power of reparation has been isturbed or lost, and places the Invalid on the right track to health. A world of woes is avoided all who use ENO’S FRUIT SALT, therefore no family be without is. ‘* MODERATION is the silken string running oe a pearl chain of ali Lind yy a avARYRAT® 0 ON THE BANE D™*, OF writ hours ged, unnatural excitement, b too rich , algoholic drink, gouty, in gery ‘and Nahe blood poisons, a oy colde, biliousness, sick headache, skin eruptions, pimples on the face, want uf appetite, sourness of stomach, &c.—Use BNO’S FRUIT SA! # i it is pleasant, cooling, health- qving, refreshing, and invig: ng. You a ov great value keeping the pure and free from Z UL WAR. ’ A AR . 0 TR BAND ALL LEA @ HOME FOR A CHANGE. ‘Win chester aly 14, 1884.—Sir,—I write to tell you what your ¥u SALT has done for a During i by 2 Sy ope ¢ill and myself had occasion to surve) the apnta River. We had great difficulties in cient fresh water for our need, and were obliged on our revara to Grink the river water—water you may eal) it, but [ ca! juid mad ; mud banks both sides, @ tropical sun , and a mtiaematic dew all night. We had the good fortane , © have with us a couple of bottles of your iny alust le RUIT SAL, and never took the ‘ water ’ without aj icious — ture of it, and so did not suffer from the abominable concoction. Now, when we arrived at Lorenzo Marquay, ere was no more FRUIT SALT to be D be obtained, I Te on to ban, bat poor Mr. O’ Neill was on the flat of his back with ague, At Durban I could only one bottle, as ery one was sold out, it being so much in Coumret, n I mention that we only went in « small boat with four a , and that pa ly ayy from men-of-war, with fully d boats, had tried the survey before, only got forty miles (having lost the greater part of their crews throug the malaria en) ©. ran. eighty miles, I think I am doing justice in putting our suecess down to your excellent preparation.—I am, Sir, yours faithfully, A Lisvrewawt, B.N., F.R.G. Tes. o. Fate ham, London, 8.E HE SECRET OF SUOCESS.—“ A new invention is brought before the Public, and commands success. A score of abominable imitati diately introdneed - , the unserupulous, who, in g the original closely enough to deceive the Public, and yet not 60 exactly as to infringe upon legal right, em aneeelbe as ingenuity that, pple yed in an or iginal channel, eould not fail to seeure reputation and profit.”—Apaws, (AUTION.—Baamine each Bottle, and see the Capsule ia marked “ ENO’S FRUIT SALT.” Without it, you Bags boon an! imposed on by a worthicss imitation. Sold by all Chemists. Directions in Sixteen Languages, How to Prevent PREPARED ~ONLY AT ENO'S FRUIT SALT WORKS, HATOHAM, LONDON, SE.. 5. BY 3. Z. C. ENO’S PATENT.

a i ee ee ee a

‘* The National Table Waters.” DRESS FABRICS AT FIRST 008T ARL TON | "™ “a ™ [What shall t Drink? EBRADFORD ApsotuTaty Pure HIGHLAND MALT FLLIS’S | eo Pot ae MANUFACTURING COMPANY, any form+® “chal. BRADFORD, YORKSHIRE, WHISKEY. I a a ee” RUTHIN ONTSERRAT |; sau Canniscs Parp : Cas Onur. : LIME-FRUIT i / hel ‘ RICHD. MATHEWS & 6O., ncasverco. WATERS gaa JUICE A 925. Ce 4 mod pt A, hay Street, Lendom, LU. | 1. resan,ecios, Lomonets, Aromasis | CORDIALS Coomssvny Maxstow, Haat Sraeer, W.C. Ginger Ale. | AKOMATIO CLOVE, STRAWBERRY, BasP- e ‘ ree and qua K- fr Indis—CUTLER, PALMER, & 60. | For Gout: Lithia Water, and Lithia and | BERKY, PINEAPPLE, SARSAPARILLA, JAR- | Reagan ‘ fee ee gee Potass Water. GONELLE, QUININE, PEPPERMINT. > ee ee } Retail from Grocers, Druggiste, and Wine Merchants | the advantages ASK FOR ELLIS’S. | every where. now within the le. The B. M Co O Pp E Botp Everrwaens. | pay Carriage tx 5 part On the hingdom o all orders over £1 in ,jcmmmtie sce atoemn EP PS’ SRE FRERES London Agents: W. BEST & SONS, CRATEFUL—COMFORTING. = / FIRST QUALITY Henrietta Street, Cavendish Square. A. c ’ Py, - ea ee The ‘CRITERION’ CAFETIERE., C O C O A. | Pilate Powdet quis CHAMPAGNE ARNDT’S PATENT e ail io ‘ <* . Eatracts by simply filling the 1 BEST ise ae SS upper part with Cstling wete RS Bia at ane i VINTAGE 1880. ey w HOLEGOMH FuOF kutiEs H L | N E |: ey PRacHING ThE 'INIURIOUS | § U L BSTANCES, cH — © hopin THE Ms . UTI TFEINE AND TANNIG | we mE NORMAL \ F ace pomele one of Aroma | LOTION HIGHEST. ‘a4 JRETIC a" EVR) sa SPs". aL | Tho Cure for Skin Disenses) | HIEMY A RD if Z s I few @ ery Bruption, Spot, or A PE R j E N T King: ioms ae Blemish” re naering the Skin Clear, smooth, supple

12 large cups. | and healthy. Sold every where. 76 j—

Sizes—2 Block Tin .. 36 is Rolled Nickel &- 12/- 15 nd . a plontes:— \\ m) rHOS"F Coon a" 3, au Haut pom. | FIVE MEDAL iL \\ Wy i a BORWICKS A\ i ¢( a CHE/ ULF AD "ONE Bs : BAKING POWDER ay? EXHIB” 1884 Vj Viz /, y° : LAN BOR Ca,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avevsr 1, 1885. H. J. NICOLL, MERCHANT CLOTHIER TO THE QUEEN, THE ROYAL FAMILY, AND THE COURTS OF EUROPE. ARMY, NAVY, AND CIVIL OUTFITTER. LONDON: PROVINCES: 114, 116, 118, 120, Recent Street, W.; MANCHESTER—10, Mosiey STREET, 22, CORNHILL, E.C., ; LIVERPOOL—50, BoLpD STREET. eter ce ae 41, 44, 45, 46, WARWICK Srreet, W. (WHOLESALE), PARIS: 29 & 31, RUE TRONCHET, 29 & 31. GENTLEMEN. Spécialité Taavattine Burtines, from £3 3s., for Shooting, Fishing, and Travellin, wear, in the New Heather, Undyed Homespun Cloths, BIRMINGHAM—39, New STREET, Mixed Cheviots, and Angolas; also in special makes o Spéralite Coatines for Morning, and Frocx Coats of the finest possible manufacture. Sptovalsté Trovusenines in the newest and most recherché designs. Spéralté Ligut Ovsnoosztnes, for Summer and Travelling wear. LADIES. Lapiss’ Tgavettine Costumes, in new Parisian designs and materials; als a epécialite make of Cloth-Serge, for Morning and Travelling wear, at Four-and- a-baif Lapies’ Jacxets, in novel makes an finely braided. Lapiss’ Inverness Cioaxs and Utstrers, in showerproof yet light materny Special attention is drawn to Mesars. Nicoi,’s new Compinep Uusrer-Croax. Lapizs’ Ripive Hasits, with patent Foot-strap, in special makes for this sean, BOYS’ MIDSUMMER HOLIDAYS. Special preparations are made for Young Gentlemen home for the Holidays. Outfits from the finest and most durable materials at very moderate prices, fectly free from Grit— er neither boiling n strain Made in a minute.” vide Lancet, Dritieh Madieal Medscai Jowrnal, dc. HANBURYS’ xnaceous FOOD Farinaceous For INFANTS and IN VALID. A highly-concentrated and self autriment for young children; supplying all that is required for the formation of flesh and bone in a partially soluble and easily assimilable form. It also affords a and healthful diet of a dyspeptic Tins, 6d., Is., 2s.. 6s. & 10s. KROPP’S oem REAL GEXMAN HOLLOW-GROUND NEVER REQUIRE GRINDING o ALWAYS BEADY FORK USE. The finest Razor ever man Mr. Hewar Invine writes—“ I Gad your Razors excellent.” The money will be returned if the Razors are not as represented Black Handle. peed ong le In Leather Ca-e complete 5s ee bd 1 Pair in Leather Case Iie. Od. .... tie On 4 Kesors as. 6d. .... Wa Od 7-Day ( ases complete Ss. Od. 68s. Od. Prom all Dealers. or direct from the Englieh Depot, 61, PRITH 8T., SOHO SQUARE, LONDON, W RIMMEL'S NEW ROYAL | PERFUMES. + wre Roya Brids!, and Orange Hiossom 64 each; j a inameatbox,7* KIM wurits TOLLET VINROAH and refresh: betien for the Toilet an | KNOX’S “ECLIPSE” SPIRIT STOVE, PATENTED. at per Post, 1s. 9d. each. A for large q itn te Paatir Ores. mictan across Outside Standards. 5 inches Height of Standards, 3 inches “THE Mi! THING THAT HAS BEEN NTED FOR YEARS.” This ®t the advantage of being Seas great | able to soguinlp the heat, which is done by moving two crescent-shaped slides, which pess over the wire gauze, inwards or ye as required With the “ ECLIPSE” oe —_ cook a chop, steak, ham and sa’'’s tte h, With the “ ECLIPSE te can make tea coffee, cocoa, &c., wie you are dressing, or at any other With the “ ECLIPSE” Stove you can boil your own shaving water in two minutes With the “ ECLIPSE” Stove ladies can heat their eurting irons in one minute wea the * 8 baby's or invalid'’s food With the «5 Stove you can keep the baby's food just warm. With the “ Sclipen? stove Steve you can make hot water the last thing at night for your brandy, when ail the fires are put out and (he servants are not handy Always take an “ iE" Stove with you when you go into apartments at the seaside, &c., when yachting, fishing, shooting, picuicing, itove you can boll the ac , & Use PURE M TED SPIRIT, or you will spoil the Stove To be had of lronmongers, Oilmen, and Chemists, or sent direct, on receipt of price, by H. A. KNOX & CO. Importers of American and German Hardware Novelties, &c., Bramiwomam and Suerrizcy Meacuayrs, 151, HOUNDSDITCH, LONDON, BEST HAVANA CICARS. AT IMPORT PRICES. Also excellent Peccign Cigars, as supplied to the Leading Clubs, Army Messes, and Public. iés ‘ and 22s. per 100. Samples, 5 for ls. (14 Stamps). | BENSON, 61, St. Paul’s = Node mn | Foe RMacieo neat Pose, THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS SAVORY & MOORE. LON & OF CHEMISTS &c EVERYWHERE TADDY & CO., LONDou. eADOYS oF 175% TADOYS §ytrrs Ang ALL, TRE Oo 1 Day” Swerr or {884 AX! By jove pnp Tm oS ANE “You SHouto Try THEIR, Dies ore ae — —— TO BE OBTAINED EVERYWHERE. Manufactured by JOHN GOSNELL & CO. London. CHUBB’S LOCKS. Paice Lists sex? raze 12%, QUEEN VICTORIA STREET, E.C., 8, St. James's Street, Pall Mall, London; Manchester, Liverpool, & Birmingham. GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR.— The lovely nuance “ Chatain Foncée”’ can be imparted to Hair of any colour by using ARINE. | Bold only by W. WINTER, 472, Oxford 8t., London Price Ss. 6d., Ws. 6d., 2is Por tin ti: grey or faded Hair A RINE is invaluabi sont ’ | EAS ici COMFORTABLE TEET he aluable mow ENTIRE. FREEDOM PROM TOM TOOTHACHE DECAY OF 'i-y TEETH. There are thre 553 ap" YELLOW, GREEN, au THREAD attached to the botiia with the YELLOW stops inetaniiy toe | VIOLENT TOOTHACHE That with J is invaluable to eae , decay and offensive breath, for by few drope in a little water to rinse the mouth will not only NEVER SUFFER AGaAIS, reserve their TEETH SOUND and ¥il THE END. That with the RED’ children's use. Svxz aiso recommends a particularly of soft Tooth- brush, made of finest and his ORANGE TOOTHPASTE for the of tartar and whitening the teeth. on ee any Chemist, or direct from WI Free by Parcels Post. Green Threed, Fellow Thread, 2s. $d.; Red read, %.; Tooth-Paste,4s.64. Suez Tooth- Brushes, kM Cavution.—To guard imitations, see that each zahet be bears the “* Wileoz 4 Co., 239, Ozford Street, el ASTHMA.COUGH. BRONCHII Une of these Cigarettes gives lmmed the worst attack of As MA, COUGH, 18 LS Hi . Are +a. harmiess, and may be by ladies, children, and most delicate Boxes of 35 Cigarettes, 2s. 6d.,from WIL and al) Chemists. Cavtion.—To guard against imitations, see that each box bears the mm “ Wilcox & Co., 239, Oxford Street, Lexie If you are a man of business, weakened bythe of your duties, avoid stimulants and take HOP BITTERS. lf you are a man of letters, coins °F over Pa bight work, to restore brain and HOP BIT TERS Ifyou are young and too fast, or if pam suilering from the aote ant over tak HOP BITTERS If you are married or irom poor oe fulshing om yaa bold HOP BIT TERS Have you DysPereis, KIDNEY OF URINART disease of the stom acm, BOWELS, BLOOD, LIVE weaves? You will be eured if you take HOP BITTERS. - GOLD MEDAL. SODA WATER. POTASS and LITHIA WATER. GINGER ALE, DRY aerate SELTZER WATER. LEMONADE. and SWEET. These Waters continue to be supplied to the QUEEN. CAUTION.—The genuine are Labels bearing “ Fountain ” Trade rotected by rk, and all : Naters of Middlesex, at the Prin Offices of Messrs. brad w, & Co., Lombard the Parish of Bt. Bride, City of Londou-Aavenner, & august 1, 10s, " Corks branded “J, Sonwzrrz & Co.”

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Will be |THE NEW) With several RO p j od RT @ OR, NOTES Ready | SHILLING | Illustrations by ee Bee August 11.) BOOK. | CHARLES KEENE| “esrsroneny Glty Walter, —s Soa ¢ =? GBD. > tT) \ ~ = Lae 33ayu¥HL 301Nd vocab decd toe tv IUL “ZON3d VOLUME EIGHTY - NINE. 7 nee me — SCE) oe P = ee > ‘aaa han aE BT AUGUST 8, a Pare Tat A TV 4 = | = yh | we ie i ; NA x & ; | ci) {ill lee, > ae A ij PAG x 3 / CN ARS ‘ 2 a Ms £ PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, “ILMA Ss FU IRS AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, g 2 44 rv — NTAINING all the WAverLey Nove s, and a complete collection of Six Volumes can be TH E HAN DY-VO LU M E ( “ae Scorr’s PorTRY, making 32 elegant little volumes. The poetical \ had Parately . . ‘ . . = - volumes are adorned with frontispieces and illustrations representative of the best E Board . pres eal Bhillin > known Scottish scenery, or of places which the genius of the poet has made famous, oF In Extra Cloth, O PRICES IN ““ CASE.” PRICES IN “ CABINET.” Price One Shilling > Crimson Cloth, extra gilt . £3 3 0 | Enamelied Boards . aut . &2 and Sixpence. | (NOVELS, COMPLETE. (POEMS) | Torey morccon or Russia’ 9 10 0 | F — 2% at the General Post Office as a Newspaper.)

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nt ee a that their ADVERTISE “THE OBAN which has the largest and hea! ony Provincia: Newspaper in Ber dane POPULAR NEW AT All, THE PUNCH, OR THE | LONDON CHARIVARL —Aveust 8, 1885. ADVERTISERS should see MENTS appear in TIMES,” thiest © mate a NOVELS. LIBBARIES THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF CHRISTOPHER > pene Lowe Liwtow vo MY WIFE'S NIECE. By Mrs By the Auther of “ Dr. E4ith Romney 8 vols A SECOND LIFE. “The Wootng Ot.” Atezanpen, Author of 3 vole BERNA BOYLE. Kiooews. New and Chee Bvo, be THE EXECUTOR. By Mrs. By Mrs. J. H. per Edition. Tm cr. By Mrs, Attsawoer, Author of “ Her Dearest te oe,” &e, New and Cheaper Edition. In er. 60, 6 Riomsan Berrier & Sox, New Burlington ®t. MACMILLAN's 8 Por AUGUST on Cow?Terts or Tus MAGAZINE. One Shilling Noweee Chapters KXX.—AXIIL By Mrs. Dymond. © = ben © (Miss Thackeray The Riel Rebellicn in North KR Mackray West Canada. By The Thrush tn Pebruary By George Mere dith Bome C. on the © A Walking Tour in the Landes. Conclusion.) Rhodian Society. Hy /. Theodore Bent Popular Bong: of the Scottish Highlanders. hy Jotm Stuart Hiackie A Chapter of Political History. MACMILLAN & 0OO., LONDON CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 32 PRIZE MEDALS. ANNUAL CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS 25,000,000 Ibs. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. M°CALL’S PAYSANDU OX TONGUES. GOLDEN HAIR.—ROBARE’S AUREOLINE uces the beautiful Golden Colour so much from Q@ a a we 2 breathes a fragrance. ee SWEET SCENTS LIGN-ALOE. OPOPONAX FRANGIPANNI. PSIDIUM / 2 May be obtained / > Of any Chemist or &, Sp _ Perfumer. 2 *% admired Warranted perfectly harmiess. Price 0. 2 be. 6d. and 10s. 6d., of all principal Perfumers and nd sire” Chemists throaghe out the Wo rid. Agents, R. Hover- pew & Bons, 31 and 32, Berne rs Street, London, W. CLUB EASY CHAIRS DIVANS. -4 _} MANUFACTURED BY HOWARD & SOK 26, BERNERS STREET, ¥, DESIGNS ON APPLICATION, GTAMMERERS and STU PRP Should read a little book written by Mr B who CURED HIMSELF, after suffering i than Tararr Yeaas. Green Bank How, Green, near Birmingham. Free for |3 tagy Univensatty Paescrised sr tus Fung, TAMAR INDIEN CRILLO A laxative and refreshing Fruit Lorag& CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Headache, Loss of Cerebral Congestion. Prepared by E. GRILLOW, @, QUEEN STREET, CITY, Loxpa Tamar, unlike pills and the usual purgiw) agreeable to take, and never produce nor interferes with business or pleasure. Chemistsand Druggists. 2s. 6d. a box, stampineal SODA WATER, POTASS WATER, SELTZER WATER, GINGERADE MALVERN SELTZER, 4s. 64. per Da 3s. 6d. per Da (Exclusive of Bottles, ) "BEMIND THE SCENES XCHANGE. Price 2.; post free 2s TH STOCKBROKER'S WIFE. | BRACERRIDGOR HE idited by JOMN SHAW, MYNG, Middie Tem- Stock broker lentes: 7. & KR. Maxwets, Shoe Lane, B.C WON-FORFEITABLE POLICIES, Edinburgh (Head Otice) : Manchester 6 Spri Lewerpool: Cs Ex BONUS YEAR—1885. COMPLETE SECURITY, BONUS APPLIED TO MAKE POLICIES PAYABLE DURING LIFE London: 82 King William St. ec. and 9 Craig's Court s.w. Glasgew: 64 St. Vincent St. | Dudiin p Dome &. LOW PREMIUMS 19 Georce St Gardens. BEST « SAFEST D. GOLD BY ALL CHEMIST AND PERFUMERS, IN ELECANT CRYSTAL TOILET CASKET Price 2/6. 0 ALSO IN PATENT A . OC ST SAMPLE pos a price} /- Lf POST FREE 1/- ri Jarriage “Paid in full, and Empties te and from any address in the United Kingdom. A list of leading Agents sent on application to J. SCHWEPPE & CO., 51, Berners Street, London. tentes e ON THE #sTOCK Qe. 4d, le Wa [ers 7 “A Perfect Prisette in Ten Minutes.” HINDE’S Hair Curling Pins Propvcs Cuanuine Rive.ers, &c. USED COLD. Surerand much more effective than curl papers. Com fortabie— Invisible— Bimplicity itself. Sold im 64. and \\ ls. boxes by Fancy Dealers, Huateny Hovsss, asp How to Avorp Lyrectious Diseases, sUcH 4s SMALL-POX AND CHOLERA. “The best Disinfectant known to Science.” | The Times. a ee A Sixteen-page Pamphlet on these subjects free with every bottle of Cowpy’s Fivip, Room, ls, ¢ city Road, H.C. Wholesale of Messrs. Birmingham and London a Messrs. Hin pr’s London Sample which is the only perfect Deodoriser, the BEWARE « r ‘inaviah 3 aeathenn, wihiels are abeo- er ame © BRANDAUERGC SIR JAMES MURRAY'S . & i SeaSravan, fos | RCU LA R PEN \ riurp maGwesta, bela E al The Inventor’s Pure Original Preparation. Write as smoothly as a lead pencil, and neither ple Box, 64., of any Stationer, or send 7 stamps Banctat & Sons, Farringdon Street, London to C. Buanpavenr & Co.'s Pen Works, Birmingham. SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. Best and Cheapest Disinfectant. Conpy’s jute ely useless fraud Vendors will be rigorously FOR ACIDITY la. Bottles almost Double usual size. scratch nor spurt, the points being rounded pranew COLLINSON & LOCK and JACKSON & GRAHAM. Fivrp is not Poisonous, and bas no Smell. prosec uted. INDIGESTION Sin James Monnar & Son, Temple Street, Dublin. oes. Sik Prize Metals awards The UNITED FIRMS will produce FURNITURE AND DECORATIONS Of high artistic character and the soundest workmanship, such as the educated taste of the present day demands, and at prices that will meet the requirements cf all classes. The cheapest Furniture supplied will be as carefully finished and in as good taste as the higbest-class productions of their workshops 68 to 80, OXFORD STREET, W. OXFORD.-MITRE HOT ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMG FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE i aR ree TO BE OBTAINED EVERTWH Macufeetured by JOHN GOSNELL LEA & PERRINS’ SAUé consequence of Lmitations of LBA & PERRINS’ SAUct which are calculated to deceive the Po, le &P Et pane nn oS " each bottle of th: nal and Genus WORCESTERSHIRE. SAVE bears thew Signature, thur- Lea Nir * Bold Wholesale by the Proprietors, ¥ oan a ee London ; and Bxpett nerally. Retail by Dealers in | none es throughout the ROWLANDS KALYDOR ves the Face durin Het F be is and re‘re | eradicat:s saben, Tan, vreskee 2 ! & and praduces 4 beautiful sha dag pleaiow. Ask any Chemist for Row Av Wu- And

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Avovst 8, 1885.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. GAMP REDIVIVA; OR MUCH OVER-RATED.” Wa-sz-zw! where is my precious old pattens, and likewise my cotton umbrella ? jest let me get at him, that Rispeesn, that bragian fella! mage “f tiga Wich I’ve stood it quite long enough, drat him! a saucy, owdacious young scamp, And now I mean giving him toko, as sure as my name’s Sarney Gamp. Eh? keep on my hair? Don’t tellme! It is time the old woman spoke out, Or the monkey smash up our Party afore we know wot we’re about. Foller him, indeed ? Never! No, Sarrey is faithful to = men as is men, - ut no young whipper- snapper shan’t rule e the buzzum once to Bey. Ah, he—bless his curls !— ~ a bee = 5 | aaa the joy of m Wich tt makes the old woman feel sniffy to think of him, manly and smart ; But Ranpotrn, a hover- grown schoolboy, a cheeky young sparrer, him dare To stick hisself up as a Bensy? It’s more than a mortial can bear! They didn’t ought never have let him, dear Satty and darling old Starry, Shove nose to the front, like a pup, just acos he was cheeky and chaffy ; They om to have snubbed him and smacked him, and made him go smartly to ~ ue dit _ bero| ee , Taught him never to snap at his betters, nor play with strange puppies, nor steal. But they spoilt him with D yap and fussing ; old Sarrey herself was to blame, As did think him a sort of a new Bailey Junior, saucy, but game ; And now he has chucked us all over, and gone to the front like a shot, And if Sarrey don’t wallop him off, why, the Party will go straight to pot. But old Sarrey will do it, oh, trust her! her back and her pattens is up, As ain’t goin’ to be nor yet flummoxed by any sech amperent pup. Take on with them low Irish tykes like some Radical m ? No, no! Not while Sarrey can handle her gingham. It’s wus than that Brummagem Joxr! Wich there ain’t, arter all, so much difference, not down at bottom there ain’t, But to see sich a leadin’ our Party ’ud madden the soul of a Saint. yi Tory-demmycrat ” sounds nice and harmless, but if it means simply cold scran From the Rad’s broken-wittel bag, drat it! far better the Libs’ Grand Old Man! He’s a oe off arf our best men, wich his demygog trash they won’t swoller ; There’s Warrier and Hamruron shied, and a lot more good fellas will foller. Life and soul of the Party. Yah bah! If J let the young monkey alone, It’ll soon have no life left at all, nor no soul it can dare call its own. But no. I must come to the rescue. I see it, I know it—I will / He ain’t never yet had to face a Umbrella wot’s handled with skill. Wh-u-u-sh! Whack! If he don’t drop his tail, and find all his smart _ fireworks go damp, When old Sarey is once on the job in good earnest, my name isn’t Gaur! TALES OF HOPE. Lorp Satispury (according to his Mansion House deliverancs) hopes that Rassia and England may preserve the and mutual respect, that Egyot may progress, that the population of this country may advance socially, that struggles for class power may cease, “and, above all, that the City of London may retain, undiminished and unimpaired, its ancient magnificence.” Levia- than and little fishes! My Lord Marquis, there seems a little lack of “‘ moral per- spective” here. A finer example of anti-climax was surely never uced, even by a Peer, a Premier, or a Saturday Reviewer! Lord Joun Manners’ famous couplet is here outdone. ** Let nations fi ht, classes to contest stoop, But leave us Civic Show and Turtle Soup! ”’ one might imagine your saying, if, like Lord SueRpRooxr, you stooped to the Weg-like weakness of ‘ into verse.” Your “h , my do honour to your head and your heart, but their order seems 2 little inverted. Surely, surely that, “above all,” must have been a slip of your eloquent tongue—on the perilously greasy slopes of hyperbolical after-dinner enlogy. i FRIENDLY Morro vor THe CawpaHaR Rartwar Suum Sibi cuique.” —— (Russians and English).— A (GARDEN) PARTY QUESTION. Tue M.P.’s assembled on Parliament Hill, Atta swell Garden Party’conducted with skill. “Eh? Parliament, M.P,’ Sighs the reader. “I r. Punch That this Parli 8 again, And that men sick of that may extend their most hearty Approval to this—unpolitical—Party. For you see SHAW-LEFEvRE and BramMweELt, and Lioyp, Depa ose, Bopxuy, Husparp, and Bryce were employed, Not in Party slang-whanging, such bricks quite beneath, But in scheming extension to old tead Heath. The Parliament Fields and the Heath Park Estate, If saved from the Ogres of brick, tile, and slate, May be added thereto, if the we ’ll afford, And ean stir up that slow M litan Board. Mr. Punch thinks if this be not done, more’s the pity. He ’ll do what he can do to help the Committee, And holds that the people » d leave nothing undone To gain—whilst we can gain—a new lung for don. He pn in long streets close and weary to tramp, ’s 8 ’ More green bosky acres adorning old sompstent, All lovers of Nature and friends of ‘‘ the childer ” Should back Suaw-Lerevre in baffling the Builder! THE QUEEN’S ENGLISH. In the official Court Circular, describing the recent Royal Marriage festivities, an apo was made for call- ing Count Ersacn ScHornnpeRG (whoever he may be) VOL, LXXXrx, Count Ersacn of Erbach-Schoenberg, and announcing been takin that Her ,Masesty newest son-in-law instead of his b as these are unpardonable ; and to guard for thefuture, it is as well to hadowed forth by the “‘ fact” as s a drive with her . Buch mistakes t the Public on its lish a table showin Royal Record, wii the corresponding ‘‘ real truth of the matter” :— When the Court Circular says that The Queen rode on a pony. The Royal promenade was before luncheon. The QUEEN was accom- panied by two Equerries. The rincess LOovIsE called. Prince Crpristian of Schleswig-Holstein stayed to luncheon. The Grand Duke of Hesse has arrived at Osborne on a visit to Her Masesty. The Duke of Teck and the Marquis of Loryx have been created Princes of the Blood Royal. ae oe oy made in several o e newspapers that the length of the Arch- bishop of CANTERBURY’S c e to T.R.H. the Prince and Pri Hewny, ca t annoyance to Her asvesty, the Prince of Waxes, and the rest of the Royal Family, is incorrect. hat the ing the domestic trivialities of Court life does not render Royalty supremely _ridi- culous, It may be concluded that Her Masesty took a drive in-a Bath chair. It was after that meal. “On horseback” should have been added. The Princess Louise (Mar- chioness of Lonne) called. Prince CHRISTIAN Schleswig- Holstein stayed to breakfast, twelve o'clock snack, luncheon, five o’clock dinner, and enpeet. e Grand Duke of Hessx, his family, his suite his friends, his uncles an aunts, and cousins and cousins - german, have arrived at Osborneon a visit to Her Masesry. the Blood Royal, a dignity reserved solely for Prince Hewny of Battenberg. The statement made in sev of the newspapers Set the length of the —_ ishop’s charge gave grea offence to Hen Masgsry used and the mage, Family, is entirely accurate. That such reporting un- doubtedly does.

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—___ 2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON [Avousr 8, 1885. | CHARIVARIL. — OVER-PRESSURE. (Thermometer 85° in the Shade.) “Br rae way, Coox, I onperep TareErEnn’ORTH OF Icke FROM THE Fisx- mororn’s. Has IT come!” “Yes, Ma'am. Is tr vor To-pay, Ma'am?” CANVASSING IT. ( National Portrait Select Committee— Adjourned Meeting.) Tue final light of the adjacent Inventions Exhibition having at length been extinguished, the adjourned meeting of the above Committee was once more resumed, the portraits assembling, as on the previous occasion, in the upper lumber room attached to the Galleries. As soon as the hour of mid- mght had sounded on gy clock, the half-length of Sir Josnva ReYrnNoups, F cage i » was, as before, voted unanimously into the Chair, and ings commenced. The Cuaremay, who, on rising, was greet said that he was afraid that since their last meeting, when they had assembled hurriedly to disouss their narrow escape from destruction, owing to a con- flagration in the three-and-nine-penny dinner department, with which their destinies were so intimately associated—(/aughter)—he had no very encouraging information to submit to them. It was true that a “‘ Mr. Prowxer” (“ Sir Jonny Pornam, Lord Chief Justice, 1531—1607. Painter unknown,” with warmth, “Who's he?”) made some statement the other night, to the effect that ‘something was going to be done,” but he, the Speaker, thought that by this time they pretty well all of them knew what that meant. ((Groans.) Their immediate destination, he believed, was Bethnal Green. (Renewed groans.) He understood that manif ion of feeling. Every canvas in the room, how- ever indistinct, realised that it was one thing to get into Bethnal Green, but quite another to get out of it - ope He therefore trusted that some suggestion might be forthooming, from the present meeting, to guide them as to what steps they should collectively take, he would not say for their comfortable, but positively for their decent habitation in the future. (Subdued cheers. “ Kine Epwarp Tae Turep (tracing from a chapel fresco)” said, if he was to give his opinion, he should vote at once for their removal bodily to The Hall by the Sea. (Cries of “ Oh, oh !”’) “Carprwat Pot (dimensions, 1 ft. 6 in. by 1 ft. 2 in.)” observed, that though he was in “smaller than life,” and only ‘‘seen to the waist,” he could not listen to such an unseemly ition as that. (“‘ Hear / hear!” faintly, from Queen Joan or Navarre. e could not, of course, ed with some feeble and faded cheers. account for his traced Majesty’s taste (laughter), but, as far as he was personally concerned, he would just as soon be hung up in the Holborn Restaurant. (Sensation) | ** Dean Swrrt (1667—1745, by CuaRtes Jervas)” said that, though only represented in a blue silk dressing. gown, he did not care where they put him, as long as it 7 in = hall =o New Na i“ iberal Club. (Murmurs from “‘t un ‘onspirators, half- lengths, A.D. 1605.”) He had no intention of intro- ducing polities into the matter, but he would like to | ind the company that, as this was a purely artistic | remin question, they had very little hope, unless the “ spleen and spite of party” intervened, of getting any help | from any Government whatever. Their probable finale | would be a conflagration—perhaps even a mock auction! | —and, as there appeared to be a sort of perpetual | ** Ranelagh ’’—or something—going on next door, he voted that the Trustees be empowered to hang them up, wherever they could find room for them, among ft coloured lamps. (Cheers.) 8 ing for himself, he should like to see the fun. (ZLaughter.) Certainly he should prefer it to a return to Wardour Street. “Kine Purr II. (1527-1598. Painted by Alonso Sanchez Coello)” said that, many years ago, he had passed (though the fact was not generally known) a con- siderable time, in a shop-window in that locality, with 3s. 9d. in large chalk figures, marked boldly across him. (Roars of laughter.) He was usually taken for a bed likeness of Hianmast as Hamlet, still—the experience was by no means a pleasant one. Seeing that he wasa full-length portrait of some value, he ver he - to occupy some conspicuous ition, if it were only on the advertisement Recolor at Knightsbridge, (‘* Hear! hear!”’’) If his personal taste were con- sulted, he would like to be cut down, and end his artistic days as a swinging sign at some quiet and retired publice-house. (Much laughter.) ** Toe Ear or CHESTERFIELD (K.G.,3 ft. by 2 ft. 2 in.)” | remarked that he strongly resented the intrusion into | family life which had him, together with the| last speaker, from his ancestral Gallery to be damaged, | destroyed, and, finally, consigned to some East End| dust-bin by an unintelligent and parsimonious system | of government. If he had known how posterity would have treated him for his literary feat, his now famous Letters to his Son would in all probability have been| addressed, though in very different terms, to Mr. | Prionxet himeelf. ‘* The Five Children of King Charles the First, with a large Dog, after Van Dyck,” who had been for some time interrupting the proceedings with unseemly behaviour, were here turned out of the room amidst a good deal of general merriment. } Upon order being restored, the Chairman said he had just received from his noble friend, ‘* CHartes Branpoy, Duke of Norfolk (K.G. 1485. Painter unknown),” paper which he would read to the Committee. It was 1/ brief form of Advertisement fora suitable domicile to| accommodate them, that the noble Duke cnapeated should | be inserted in a couple of daily papers, and perhaps als | in one respectable weekly. It was as follows :— O THE BENEVOLENT AND ARTISTIC—RARE : OPPORTUNITY.—A Collection of National Por- traits, which is about to leave its present situation through no fault of its own, is anxious to meet with some intelligent and appreciative caretaker who would be willing to furnish it with a safe, convenient, and appropriate home, in consideration of the ige attach- ing to association with a priceless accumulation of bis- toric memorials. The site should, if ible, be central and generally accessible to the public; but a fitting, secure, and suitable domicile would meet the present re- quirements of the Advertisers. No objection to a airy County Lunatic Asylum where the pictures could be hung well out of reach of the patients. N.B.—No communications can be entertained either from Travel- ling Show Proprietors, Marine-Store Dealers, or existing Authorities at South Kensington. Would be glad to hear from a generous-minded Millionnaire a little off his head on the subject of Art. Apply, ly or by letter, to the Secretary of the Canvas Committee, the Back Kitchen and ery Department, 8.W. On the conelasion of the reading of the above adver- tisement, the Chairman having taken the sense of the! meeting, it was unanimously decided that three insertions a 4 Tur { T he ir That But n Into t Rathe

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Avoust 8, 18865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LORD DE ROTHSCHILD’S EGYPTIAN SOOTHING-SYRUP. FEEDING-TIME; A LITTLE TREAT ALL ROUKD of it should be sanctioned forthwith, when, after a vote of silent The channels which Town Councillors their scavengers bid flush, thanks, proposed by Sir Gopraky KnxLLER and seconded by a Dutch On Thames’s bosom disembogue large subsidies of slush. gentleman, supposed, according to his own account, to have been The Thames derives such tribute from the sluices and the drains, — ~ the a, on cotepoated fub-cog of = ~_ And riparian gasworks’ gutters, rich of Kingston and of Staines. LE, the assembled Portraits quietly separated, and, in the |pijtration frees the fluid of its odour and its hue ~ approaching daylight, noiselessly resumed their accustomed ()\.ar5 the coffee-coloured mixture, ere ye tea and coffee brew ; . |So the beverage that on Londoners each Company bestows \Gives the nostrils no offence, although ’tis paid for throngh the nose. THE THAMES AND ITS TRIBUTARIES. |The liquid er ry River with eos ye Tur. tributaries of the Thames w e pellucid rills Legg an eden ep bie And rivulets to the river ak doemmaline team te hills, Bat oh, to tipple how unfit for e’en Son ig hry , Their tribute paid in current coin so fair, of former days, Mush move Str any man to gulp ox saugye Wis Mie greg! That the “Silver Thames” in poesy was a stock and a standing |, for some able engineer the tribute to arrest phrase. | Which cian 5 other Thames, pour me upon thy breast! But now such ot . i : Oh, for an Act of Parliament to moderate the price Into the Foemen, ek eee nat suikeiiarien pos tows no more ; (Of water dear and nasty, and insure it cheap and nice! nether & copper currency its turbid water seems, “a vlluted for pellucid are its tributary streams. SurtaBie Scre vor a Poxice “ Court.”—The Area.

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64 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 8, 1885,

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. RXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Lords, Monday Night, July 27.—Serene atmosphere ruffled to-night from unex quarter. GranviLte mightily wrath. Considering what little public practice he has, does it exceedingly well. Ambled down to House to-day in most genial lL mood. Huicks-Beacn in other House woefully m business in connection with Medical Relief Bill. Bill now come up to Lords; GRANVILLE to move Second ing. When he arrives, learns that Mriutownw has been before him. Had come down at half-past three, sat on steps till doors were opsned, and then rushed in given notice. Mr.trown been in House some fourteen years now; never before disti himself. Name not known to public; now suddenly emerges from obscurity, and, as Duwkaven says, brings out Pussy’s claws. ; “Mriuroww? Miturows ?” says GRANVILLE, with apparent effort to recollect such a personage. “‘ Ah, Peer of Ireland. I know. Family motto, ‘ Clarior e Tenebris.’ Hitherto dwelt in the clouds, but emerged at last. See if I can’t exti ‘LD Effort in vain. Muurown curiously obtuse. Has as much right, he says, as anyone else to take —- « of the Bill. GrawviItxz, in despair, appeals to Ministers to say whether they ever heard of a case like this. The Markiss stared straight ahead. Wasn't going to commit himself. Couldn’t very well back up Mitirows, but not inclined to gratify Granwvitte. Cranproox rushed in where Markiss feared to tread ; but that not thought enough. CranwBRoox a hot-headed person, will say anything. : ‘ “Don’t you think you could say a word?” Markiss whispered to the latest Karl. “Oh, dear! oh, dear!” moaned our old friend, Starrorp Nortu- core. ‘‘ Thought there was an end of that. When in the Commons had always to be getting up to justify Ranpoirn, cover retreat of Cuartoy, or do something impossible. Came here for a rest, but find it’s the same old game. However —” So IppesLxIon got up, and endeavoured to show that MitLttown was quite right in adroitly forestalling GraNVILLE in taking of a Liberal measure forced upon the Government in the other House, ond etek abandoned by Son. ~_+y — neh ea-aeus, ouse y agreeing, upon Motion put, Town have pre- cedence. Business done.—In Commons, Army Estimates. Commons, Tuesday.—‘There’s one bi said Cattan to Cavenpisu-Benturck, “as I never can —that is, the use of strong lan. What I like is decency of behaviour in all rela- tions of life. If a man’s a gen’leman, him behave as such. In my humble way I ’ve tried to show public =e “Right youare, Part al Ca- VENDIsH- Ben- Tr. ” ES stood by me nobly the other night when, in the in- terests of public morals, I ike out in the House about those news- papers; and I’ll stand by you now ; especially as it’s Brien.’ Brientr been talking in his frank way about Muddled Moralists. the ~ Lea- ati guers. ‘Accused them of obstruction, of bringing hideous charges against Srencer, of yilifying the Judges, of, accusing law-officers of packing juries and < “exhibiting boundless sympathy with criminals an murderers.” “A breach of privilege!” cries Catan blushing’ with indigna- tion to the tip of his nose. * Very well,” said Barent, “ But is what I’ve said true?”

& Goes through*statements one by one; puts them to Parnellites, | who, after hesitation, decide to admit them, cheering every accusa- | tory sentence. This not quite what was locked for. Seems that | CaLLaN, animated by most friendly motives, has chiefly succeeded in finding opportunity for Brient to say over again with increased force, and with added publicity, what he had uttered at the Spencer Banquet. Hicxs-Bezacu, as usual, comes to grief. |; Tries to walk on both sides of the road at once. A to support Caray's Motion, but afraid of offending allies. Expresses regret at Bricur’s an This brings up Hartreton, who with unusual animation. Doubted whether Catan had brought motion forward with ‘general ‘assent of Parnellites. ‘I cannot believe,” he said, amid prolonged cheers, ‘‘ that men who habitually allow themselves such liberty—I may say licence—of speech, are the mea to come whining to the House to complain of ac\verse criticism.” **T assure the noble Lord,” Windbag Szxton shouted after Mem- bers, who hastily rose to leave when he a on the scene, “ that when we come to this House it will not be with a whine.” ‘* Begorra uo,” says W. H. O’Surxrvan, “it'll be wid a whiskey.” Rawpotpu and CHAMBERLAIN had a little set-to, House forming s igpne ring. Three hours and half wasted upon this, after which the majority of Members went to dinner, two or three remaining to work. Business done.—Some,V otes in Supply. ~'

*Tuat ’s How 17 ’s Donz.” The Secretary for India pulls the string, and exhibits his Working Model of a Commander-in-Chief of the Indian Army to Mr. John Bull. Wednesday.—*‘ Got an idea for the empty frame-work for frescoes in the Octagon Hall,” said Pruwxer. ‘* What do you think of 7 Temptation of Joseph Gillis? Fancy it would make a capital companion picture to St. George and the Dragon. Too late to get s| vote on the subject now; but next Session, as the humorist Bact | says, shall include Vote for it.” . ‘ aay ny striking incident. House in Committee of Supply. | Only four Votes to get, but must be agreed to before quarter to sit. If not, Supply carried over to to-morrow, and tion delayed. | Talk on Irish Education Vote carried on till Five o’Clock, Win - Sexton alone being inflated for nearly an hour. There remain vote for South Africa, inciting controversial subjects of Imperial licy. Only three-quarters of an hour to deal with this, and, Be ond, vote for Post Office and for Monument for General Goxpoy. en vote for Irish Education reached by process of exhaustion, and Chairman just putting the question, Jozy B. rose, and watched with gleaming eye unhappiness of Hart Dyxe as he prolonged discussion. Then came South African debate in progress at eighteen minutes to six. Only three minutes of time, and three Votes to yom ! Hicxs-Beacu urged that debate should close so as to get Supply through Committee, resuming it on report if necessary. JosePH GrLLis moved uneasily on his seat, and a thrill of appre- hension shook the frame of Henry Hortayp. If he got up spoke only for two minutes all’ was lost. He didn’t interpose, South African Vote » passed. Vote for Post Office put. Joszrx half rose, but didn’t speak, and Vote passed. Vote for Monument

ibeiie ) 2 Shhh Dla fy

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Avavust 8, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 65 AT THE SEASIDE. | THEIR OWN MIXTURE. lr was mixed in the Keenr’s Bath | Journal, Saturday, July 25, and here is the paragraph :— “Tue Arrars or Mn. ALBERT Gnrant.—The summary of the amended | Statement of Mr. ALnent GRant’s — a &e., &e ; the re- i at, roviding for prefe- aed dicen pony is an estimated jsurplus of £32,514. . . . Aldwick Place, Pagham, and the furniture and effects thereat are stated to be the subject of an ante-nuptial and “nuptial settlements. The President of the United States has sent a message of sympnthy to Mrs. Grant, and afterwards issued a | Pros ion ordering the s ion of business on the da the funeral. The | Governor of New York has also requested people to cease business on that day.” | The proprietors of the Bath Journal must have experienced a Keene sense | of enjoyment on reading the above. | ——— Watt’s Up Again. (On a recent Fracas.) Ler cads delight with fists to fight, |__ To them ’tis nothing new, | Which if our Swells consider right, | Why—let ’em do it, too. ba “=! well-bred Englishmen now let ir passions rise, The fables kes been lately set— They black each other’s eyes. CAUTION TO PEOPLE ABOUT TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED ON THE SANDS “Tus Great Losy Lanv.”—Egypt. put,[the last of the year’s Supply. Hand of the clock was on the quarter. A few words, charging 1 Spencer with being acces to the death of Gorpon would suffice. Chairman hurried throug the formula of putting the Vote, and had just declared it passed, when JosEPH was discovered on his feet, with one thumb in armhole of waistcoat, and the other si i irman. But it was too late, the last Vote was — and Jory B. resumed his seat. .“* You had a bad quarter of an hour,” I said, to my friend. *‘How did you manage to keep down so long ?” * Held on with my hands to the bench,” said Joszrn, with melan- choly smile. ‘‘Couldn’t have done it else. But am glad the thin got through. A ‘in’s a bargain. They ’ve behaved very we to us, and I wouldn’t like to be the man to spoil their sport. yl hope they won’t try me so sharp again.” usiness done.—Supply closed. wih) {IP HENGLERS CIRCUS & Lb i) TO-NIts PIRST —>? APPe AN ° mn ,;re eee Oy ? BAN OOLTO ——i=== CURCILLO Bee UNAVOIDAGLY NS Weaeeeiee a OS! . a Mr. Sims Reeves (to comparatively youthful Professional, Si Ara read gnor R. Curcille). “ Quite right to take a leaf out of my Upper-note Book. Don’t make noting yourself too cheap! ”” Thursday.—No one looking down upon the Treasury Bench and a Se ee es i ——— among his elders would what firebrand it i> tous Gnd ho youse man treats —— his moustache with unnecessary vigour, and that W. H. Smrrn, a man of peace though at the head of the War Office, shows a nervous disposition to induce Mr. Caapiin or Colonel Srantey (being moderately plump persons) to sit between him and the Secretary of State for India. These are, however, indications that must be sought for to be observed. To the average looker-on there is nothing in the a ce of Ranpotpa that suggests reason for the terror which fills the breast of Mr. Wurrtey as he looks in the direction of the Treasury Bench, or that makes Cravp Hamitton sit in the Gallery as offering means for speedy retreat in case of need. Fact is there’s been terrible row. RawpoLPu was to have gone down to Liverpool yesterday to address public meeting ; took it for ranted he was to be supported Local Conservative Members. iscovered at last moment they ’t mean to go; whereupon explosion, disaster, and general break up of everything. a ‘If they think they ’re going to a fool of me,” said Ran- “ «they ’re mistaken. They don’t come to much when they are put in one scale. I can get on without Sen, Dot they shan’t snub me. ’t go to Liverpool at all, that’s flat.” Nor did he. He ‘ll break us up, ll,” said Sir Micmaztr, “ after irretrievably ruining us before final stroke comes. Wouldn't have sold SrarronpD Norrucors if I’d foreseen this. All living in state of terror. Don’t know what a moment may bring forth. If we could only get him to go and govern the Congo, now——!” Business Medical Relief Bill passed in Lords, Post-Office Bill in Commons. Friday.—Wemrss had right digious speech drew attention to oe time of it to-night, In pro- good loos than ‘the socialletic tendency, character, and effects of the legislation of the last fifteen al Majority of noble Lords immediately fled. Pnriwe INIsTER, obliged to remain, forlornly said, didn’t know whether the speech was a funeral oration upon the late Government, or an expression of hope over the new one. GRANVILLE hinted that the speech had taken seven months in tion. “* They may guess what like, and think what they like, Tony,” said Wemyss, rubbing his hands, and smiling to himself “Tve had a high old time. t's the use of ay Hiase of Lords, if one can’t, from time to time, insist upon making speec' i Wotrr not errs. In private latter SvLTAN says,—"* Am tired of their erying ‘Worry! Wor!’ and none comes.” The Commissioner wandering in and out of House of Commons to-night, vaguely, full of business. Lawson tells me it was Wotrr who wrote to-day’s leader in Standard on Rawpotrn. But I really can't believe it. Business done.—Criminal Law Amendment Bill in Committee.

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI “Tats 1s Not 4 Smoxine Carpgiace, 18 iT?” ** MISUNDERSTOOD!” “No, Miss. You Lt rinp a Smoxkinc CARRIAGE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN!” THE “CLOTURE” AT LAST. Faxewst1 ! Shut up the well- worn portal ! There comes a closing-hour to all below, And Parliamente—thank Heaven!—are not immortal, The end is here ; let us arise and go. The end of five long years of sound and fa Whose true significance time must unfold, Fiery heroics worthy of old Drury, And broad buffooneries of farceurs bold. Long loud logomachy, eternal chatter, Prolix polemic prosily sustained, With a most plenteous paucity of matter, By = "Pantagracl-tongued and parrot- brain Farewell ! Now silence o’er the field _ battle Seliath. The how! is hushed, and is the cheer; heh echatedeainaoamnean ln laughter loud or jubilant ‘‘ Hear! Hear!” Lech wl Le “wie O wise time-honoured How ae day of fight have you louked on, How pany Om prt pam tn ap moh Leck up! great protagonists are gone. No more you'll hear the chilly chimes of morning Clang ont the charivari of debate, Hibernian talk-floods every barrier scorning, or “aged like a stream 1n spa Parnellian eloquence clear, cold, and steel No longer you wil bens tplep—er ah, The bray of Bicear or the how] of Hearty No , happy fate!—your ear will Should Baaptaven come or go, not you he’ll trouble, With rule evaded or with vesture torn, Waxton’s wind-bag or AsHMEAD-Bartcett’s bubble Will vex your soul no longer night or morn. For many-memoried and much-loved, you vanish For ever from the Stage you ’ve graced so Yet Punch opines you ’ll find it hard to banish Some soft regrets born of affection strong. So many years, 80 many scenes, so many Great names and mighty mouths you've seen and Not only zealot mad ‘and tasteless zany, Mannerless clown and posturer absurd. For you Diska£zti’s wit has coruscated, For you Bricut’s mellow periods have out- rolled, And Gtapstowz, matched with peers, by cur-crowds baited Has whelmed them all in floods of vocal gold. And lo! the old order changeth. Demos draweth Nearer and nearer to the place of power ; The enfranchised mob the imperial purple paweth. Is it dawn’s break, or do black night-clouds lower ? Shall all henceforth be leather and prunella ? Will huekster mind and cockney manners reign ? Or wil ‘the old cause, the old name, the old | mbre Mesa our British manhood once again ? | Who knows? But here begins the giaai, WwW a etenting t the parting of the e’re at the 0 ways ; Closing with custom old and old tradition, Names of the past, and lights of other days. We turn to face the future, steadfast, cheerful. Old England’s story is so full of change ; He hath ned its lessons who stands fearful Before the coming of the new and strange. Tis — a yet! May her new path bear Of fapstness and honour like the old. But here one volume of her history closes, One chapter of her chronicles is told. Many just passed from out these walls will never Set foot again upon St. Stephen’s floor. The Parliament of Eighty ’s fled for ever. i its ancient Warder! Close the r A Question =! THE Money Manrxet.— It was said lately a French Senator that France would be Lot “the Laughing-Stock of Europe.” There was immediate inquiry in all commercial and centres a8 to the price at which this stock would be issued. New jokes would be at a premium within half an hour, but the quotations would be more or less incorrect until a by the old-established firm of Jom Miter & Co., of the Funny Market.

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iRY NY A ME

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[Locks up the house, and exit.

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— —— — = ae ——e a ae ae ee = —-* ——_ —_, a —— —_ = SS el Ss a — ae -—F} ——e is -}—— ——— ————— ae = — 7 ne = = —— ————7 ————— ———— a — sd a — ———j — = a — wi ——a K” AT LAST. Dyn H\\N CLOTUR y 4 4; y . “ OB CIF ee rr ‘ Ot 4 1 - Vo ELEM OL a , LEELA BE 6 SLE AE Ta oad ; Ae gee de re FFE me ‘é Pia ~ A dae ALLO” yt SILLS dla 5g , , MAC OO ga Jd ae - é se re a y/ WN LA EE Dz Crs. | — - —— } . . AH!—THE PLACE ’LL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.... WELL, WELL!” ... PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— -_—— FLL” SAP DLE OL, rm” ne DAP x LOE ALAA ALAA PF ME i SS / SSS Se SS , 7

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Page 94

ed ee hee ie | rs SS SSS SN eS ee

Page 95

Avavst 8, 1885.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

=.

BN Siti) o = ov 4 INS, a + MAR aut NAAN 63 Wat WH shag) 4 ‘ Ws >? NG \ - ON

a A BANK HOLIDAY. ‘Writ, JARVIS, YOU'VE BEATEN YOUR WIFE, YOU 'VE HAD YOUR OWN HEAD BROKEN, AND YOUR EYES BLACKED, AND youR Front TEETH KNOOKED OUT, AND YOU SPENT THE NiGgHT IN A PoLice CELL!” ‘*Weit, Sim Joun, 1T’s A Poor "ART AS NEVER REJOICES |” i WZ \ i

SPORTING EVENTS. Smr,—Coming events may cast their shadows before them, but some events leave their gloomy shadows behind them; and this is what Goodwood has done for yours, truly. The Prince and the Duke of Eprvsunen retired within the Plantation with a certain chosen friend, who shall, - Ss. ry of modesty and senor, be nameless— t rom being really so, in fact—in order to eat their Goodwood and quaif the Goodwood Cup, in ition of ‘w brew some one I know, not a miles away from the present writer, is absolutely t O Solitude, where are thy charms!” Not in the Plantation at Goodwood; for scarcely had we—I should say his Royal Highness, and His Royal Highness’s Royal Brother—sat down to pick a bit, than we were oe by a —" > of swell snobs, watching mow hardly repressing a murmur of applause, when H.R.H. took a long deep pull at the Prize -% And when H.R.H. winked over the top of it at the Duke, and the Duke winked at their mutual friend, the Nameless One, and when, from the expression of the latter’s countenance, it was seen by the crowd that there was precious little—how little, yet how I—left for him, were almost frantic with delight. And this is what is ca privacy for the arty ! _ I am not in the humour to give public any special tips about the Leger, but let me tell them this, that if anyone can be found to give the following prices for the 8ST. LEGER— 300 to 1 agst Melton, 600 to2 ,, Xaintrailles, 200tol ,, Pe and Salt, 800 to4 ,, Child of the Mist, you don’t hesitate, but take ’em all, specially if you can get the odds in pounds to mee. Au revoir, or, as | shall oA the day before the Leger, d demain, or @ St. Leger-demain, and perhaps with a little Legerdemain the trick may yet be done by ours sportively, The Cell. the com h

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Zs Ni Peerer Tue Hermir.

‘Futures for this Month,” read out poor Hanpur from his sporting paper, and then observed sadly, ‘‘ I’m one of them. I can’t go out of town, and my wife won't,”

THE CONCERTS OF THE SEASON, (A Musical Reporter's Growl.) Ox! be eaten} For small mercies let us truly grateful be! With which sentiment I think my weary colleagues will agree. ~ distressi cntastalamnes eats they boyd poole ons a bore some mon i im on them no more. Ey’ry pianist, ev’ry vocalist Guedes his portmanteau To convey to other climes his ‘‘ execution” or “ bel canto,” (What a joy to think of tenors out at sea when there’s a breeze on!) And me heard the last, thank goodness! of the Concerts of the n. Wealthy idle dilettanti, who for lack of aught to do Lounge from concert-room to concert-room in quest of something new, Have no notion of the agonies that critics such as I Are compelled to suffer, year by year, from April to July ; Of the pangs that are inflicted by the merciless sonata, By the cruel old capriccio and the truculent toccata, ty the drivel set to music, void of poetry or reason, at are dinned into our ears throughout the Concerts of the Season. Then, a pianoforte solo full of scrambles, and of thumps, Long and wearisome enough to give an iron-clad the jumps ; And you loathe the Herr or Signor w:.o disports himself the keys on As the worst of your tormentors at the Concerts of the Season. There ’s the noisome fantasia, that ’s spun out extremely thin, By another gifted alien on a er ; And the vile duet that ends with ‘* Tra la la! we are so gay!" Which is always sung by sisters in a oa way ; The allegro and adagw and prestissimo con bri Of that dismal soporific, the interminable trio, _ In an interval of which your hat and stick you wildl And escape, invoking curses on the Concerts of the If ’twere possible that I could be a Judge, let us suppose, With the power to inflict whatever penalties I chose, I’d imprison Ballad-Vocalists in dark and slimy vaults, Instrumental Variations should be dealt with as assaults, And the sentence I would pass upon inveterate offenders Would be this—quite irrespective of their ages or their genders— As an extra-heavy punishment for burglary or treason, A compulsory attendance on the Concerts of the Season. seize on, nm.

Every matinée ’s ** natronised ”’ bs . In return for tern qistitens. is no Ry ey ee oe a Just A Few Loves.—Will there be « fusion of the London, Chat- For, themselves unknown, its givers on the fame of others trade, ham & Dover with the Brighton and South-Eastern Companies’ As And the Artists on whose talents they depend are never paid. ‘Two's Oumeeny and ’s none,” if the 8. E. is squared the But you hear them sing the same old songs—you see the same old faces | ideas @ Bright’un. All who love their Parisian aunt, and their Reproduce the same ofd smiles and leers—the stereotyped grimaces | luncheon at the Calais buffet en route, will thank Mr. J. 8. Foxnes That remind you of a popular buffoon who has a ‘‘ wheeze” on for the two daily services starting and arrivin at reasonably con- d enhance your detestation of the Concerts of the Season. venient hours. We devoutly hope that these * Daily Services ” will , ‘ be religiously attended, ay on holyders, Joun Staat Founes To m Dey a Concert in _ Lane or Eaton Square, ought nat te be isfi + the L. < do Se Mitanes, : entertainment have when you get there / iving t . a start and a beating. uth-Eastern does i Certain ballads of the day, yociferated ont of tune,» ” in about eight hours,—but there is no Calais buffet for the poor As, for instance, “‘ Yours to-morrow,” or “ It cannot be too soon ;” | sailor.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Aveusr 8, 1885, mt es 7". se CAUTION TO SCOTCH HOTEL-KEEPERS. the Scotch Hotel-keeper Tas Tovrists “ ree awa’,” anp THE McAvTocraT oF THE BREAKFAST-TAaBLE 18 LEFT TO A LAY OF LAWN TENNIS, (By a Lauwn-Tennysonienne.) Wits rackets poised against the foe We scorn the shining river ; ; Though other games may come and go, Lawn Tennis lives for ever. We roam the verdant lawn about, Our skill seems unavailing ; For, sometimes in and sometimes out, ’Gainst fortune we are o We chatter in cur eager ways, n gir : We such ioe many a ball that strays Across the pathway pebbles. We’ “upon the lots, The" Ccart” the garden eovers; We wear the blue forget-me-nots, Like Tennyson’s young lovers. We skip, we slide, with many a glance, As swift as T swallows ; And as the gay bound and dance, The ardent player follows. We murmur when the stern net bars The ball, we shake our tresses ; We've played beneath the moon and stars, As many a girl confesses. And how to “screw” and “twist” we know, The “‘ Service” too deliver: For other games may come and go, Lawn Tennis lives for ever. Apvice To Tovurists.— Where to in Scotland, — “* Bock agen.” If you’re a i ndent of arbi incivility, and DEVOUR HIS OWN PROVISIONS, ots in the Land of Cakes, to “‘ take the anc. eat it himself. [See recent complaints in Letters to the ‘* Times.” Enter Rearnap (her betrothed.) Reginald. What, DiapHenta, again in tears! allen us? Morning, noon, and Sir Moses Montefiore. What cruelty of ht my DisPHENi’s . sorrow perplexes this sad heart. What can I do to comfort you’ | I am no longer on speaking terms with any girl I ever met before I have presented all their photographs to the National where they are certain to be burned, on an early rest of the collection. What more, what more Died, July 28, 1885, in his Hundred-and-First Year. Is life worth living? To the querulous cry lately closed, reply ! ee to mankind ! Pessimist cold and cynic blandly blind, ’Tis fitter comment on that query stale and arguments that fail. | Portrait Gallery ean I do, DiapHenta ? Diaphenia, Oh, willow, willow ! { Wails. Mrs. Wilton (aside). She is distraught ! ys, whose heart and hand Reginald (kneeling). igh and human causes co’ By all the vows that lovers make, and break, favours, and by bridal cake, By all the honeymoons that wax and wane, y sree and the train, Long in the land his memory will abide His country’s treasure and his people’s pride. Reveal, announce, divuige the nature of your pain! Enter Page, bearing a parcel, THE BRIDE’S TRAGEDY. DRAMA OF MODERN LIFE, Scuenz 1.—TZhe Bride's Bower, in No. 3, Proserpine Gardens, W. | Page. Parcei for you, Miss. Diaphenia (opening parcel, a [Exit. nd discovering a Travelling Clock and a Silver Box). Again, again! The Curse! — | Tears her hair, and casts ashes on her head. Reginald (beating his breast). The Curse! What Curse? It’s 4 Dirapmenia (the Bride), on Sofa (k). Can you not disclose ce Silver Box and a capital Travelling Clock ! ha! ha! See how they come—see how they ints wildl te, a Parcels Delivery Cart and the Parcels ; treet. Mrs. Wilton (aside). Her reason totters ! your sorrow toa mother? Has Madame F£xisz not sent home your Does your body not fit? i japhenia. Away! Wilton. Dear Diapuenta! you love another? Tell your own mother, and all shall be arranged. Or are you jealous of anybody ? Diaphema. No, it isn’t that. ’ J Have you any secret care ? Diaphenia. Oh, don’t bother Does not your skirt Has he been unkind ? Dniaphenia (letting down her back hair, back drawing-room, where boxes for you, five score Here ’s ormolu for you ; that’s for bedroom here ’s BE ywesyse> | sexe

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uf Avovsr 8, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ormolu with a di must wear come, Sor me nl eos Go stands. I would give you some monkeys : ( Neevelf) Dear Diaphenia (recovering > » dear ReGrwaxD, this is something like! Dries her tears. embrace. Mrs. Wilton, Bless you, Reerarp! Bless you, my children t HARASSING THE HOVAS. Prrr the poor Malagasy, In his semi-tropic isl For the Frenchman still His old buccaneering style ! Yes, twelve million francs are asked for, And the Hova now must quail ; Up at Antananarivo Will be told the awesome tale. “These proud natives must not beard us!” Argues thus De Freycinet. “We have right—we ’re highly moral— Whatsoe’er the Saxon say ! “ And, you see, we ’ve got the men there, And food General Mior ; So for Tonkin sell we’ll make up By a glorious Hova-throw !” But, suppose the plucky native Be victorious, after all ; Or French voters turn out peaceful ; There ’d be wormwood for the Gaul ! “LO! AND BEHOLD!” It has been observed, with sincere that about Richmond and ‘Twickenham Old Father Thames is ing dreadfully low. Can it be through the company he has been keeping on River-Bank Holidays? Very mach afraid so. A French admirer of Richmond wrote to Old Father Thames :— *‘ They are unkind to you, mon pére, Jecause you are not what you were. You don’t hear us abuse the Seine Because there is a dearth of rain.” And Father Thames sent him this reply :— “I’m not surprised ; you ’re French, and so Water with you is always /’eau.” , There’s life in the Old Boy yet. But something ought to be done. Hyde Park. Norice.—To Noblemen and Gentlemen frequenting the Row, all Rows forbidden except Rows of Chairs. No Kowing in which a | 4 2 is ay oy will be rmi ough Rowing on the Serpentine is allowed, but the Rowers will have to pay for any ¢ done to the sculls. 0 objection to pistols and coffee, but fighting like coalheavers I will not have in my Park, | swear I won't, by GeorGE. Trorm told a story last week of a| Selecting old bachelor passengers. Wanted, a special provision to prohibit case of Faith-healing at Yeovil. The sab- | °f perambulators. ject was one Davey. Was the case substantiated by a body of evidence TROPICAL. Maid (to Trish Milkman). “Misstis *AYs SHE'’s SURE THERE'S BEEN A GREAT DEAL 0’ WATER IN THE MILK LATELY, AND THAT 1F——” Pat. *“‘Aw’ can Ye Wanper aT iT, MY Dean? Smart Brame TO THE Cows THIS Tavur-nsty WEATHER, Poor CraTurs!” PERILS OF THE PAVEMENT. Sre,—Can the rider of a bicycle be pulled up for driving furiously in the streets? He can; but, according to his Worship Mr. Busupr, he cannot be convicted of that offence in a Pulice Court, because in such case the Magistrate has no jurisdiction. If so, then, as sensibly sug- gested by Mr. Hicxs, the Home Secerrary clearly ought daring the recess to ‘* prepare a Jill tor the better re tion of street traffic with reference to vould of all descriptions.” Yves, all; and particularly those in which reckless nursemaids, not minding where they push them, are accustomed to wheel heavy babies over the toes and against the shins of gers, chiefly furious driving am, Sir, yours sweetly, A Loven or Basres, sworn on oath, or by only one “ Davey.” Ovr Awwvat”Avromy Pozzitz.—Where to Go!?

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ee ee a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 8, 1885, PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT. I ASSIST AT AN ARBITRATION. 8 the Long Vaca- tion approaches, néay of my — is larger even than my own, grow less zealous in the discharge of their forensic duties. This is certainly so in the case of PapPLECUT, one of the aforesaid acquaintances a J. ag work is on | largest pos- 6 . sible seale. A _ few days since my excellent and admirable Clerk ushered this individual into my humble Chambers with the extreme that Portine- TON always shows to those whose fee-book’s annual total is said to be written in more than three b ** The fact is,” said my visitor, ‘I am in a big Arbitration Case that costs roughly a sovereign a minute. We have had over a hundred days of it already, and shall have as many more. as there are sixty minutes in an hour, and we are supposed to be at it from 10 till 4, you will see that at the rate I have suggested, eac sitting costs about £360. That’s clear h, isn’t it ** Quite,” I replied, “‘ but what is the Arbitration all about, and what do you want me to do in it ?” ** As to what it’s about that’s more than I can tell you—I don’t think anyone knows—not even the Plaintiffs themselves. It’s some- thing about a building contract which failed or didn’t fail, or wasn’t paid for, or was interru before it became comple or something or other like that. nm matters were complicated use there was something wrong in the soil or specification, or preliminary investigation, or agreement, or i that kind. Now, as to yourself. All you will have to do is to take a note, and if the want you to do anything, why there’ll be heaps of e to you what todo. I have an important engagement at A Thus instructed, I arrived the next morning at the Royal Courts at ten sharp, reflecting that if the Arbitration cost a sovereign a minute, it was of much importance that no time should be wasted. | I found that one of the apartments usually occupied by a Judge with or without a Jury, had been most kindly placed at the disposal of those interested in Long and Underpin vy. The Improved Palace and People’s Country-Seat Building Society. The janitor at the glass-door allowed me to pass on my explaining who I was, and I entered. To my intense distress, on looking at the clock I noticed that it was ten minutes beyond the hour, so that if the Court had been waiting for me, I had y cost somebody two five-pound notes. I was relieved to discover that this was not the case, as, besides a | most genial old Gentleman occupying a chair immediately beneath the Bench (who apparently was ing to a friend seated beside him and a few Solicitors’ Clerks, I was the sole occupant of the Hall Justice. By degrees, however, the barristers’ benches received recruits—“‘ stuff” and “‘ silk,” but both in mu/fti. “IT donot wish to hurry you, Gentlemen,” said the amiable vete- ran seated beneath the Bench, who, it now appeared, was no less a person than the Arbitrator, ‘‘ but I think I should call your attention to the fact that it is nearly eleven, and we have not begun.” All the Counsel were most anxious to impress upon the Arbitrator that everything was being done with as much expedition as possible. “*That I do not doubt for a moment,” replied the veteran with extreme courtesy. “* And now, if you please, we will get to business.” Upon this a diligent search was made for the Witness who had been under examination on the previous day, and who now consequently was ready to be cross-examined. The Witness being found, the Counsel who was to question him was secured, and taken in hand by several legal advisers, who consulted with him as to the proper queries that should be put. The pile of exhibits finally having been ascer- tained to be in good working order, a start in earnest was made. This was satisfactory, remembering the pound-a-minute caleulation. ™" Let me see, you have told us so-and-so, and so-and-so,” began the Cross-examiner. The Witness nodded assent. ‘‘ Well, isn’t there an exhibit which shows the level ?” Pe Witness and the Arbitrator thought there was. So thought owners, ‘IT think it was marked 99,” said the Witness. “‘ITam under the impression it was 57,” observed a Counsel re- | motely connected with the case, in courteous correction. é@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no ease can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. The Witness (equally courteous) had no doubt but that “57” was the number. Then a search was made among the exhibits, and ‘ 57” was found. It was not the right number, so ‘99” was tried and | turned out to be correct. Upon this all parties smiled triumphantly | at one another, and paused for a few moments to recover from their |exertions. Again I thought of the pound-a-minute calculation. ** Now,” said the Cross-examiner, peering into the plan with savage is shown here,” and he pointed | earnestness, ‘‘ you say that the leve | to a spot in the plan. | No,” returned the Witness, “‘ it is here.” And then he added, politely, ** But, pardon me, you are looking at the chart upside down, | This is the top.’ | The mistake having been rectified, the cross-examination was | cautiously continued. ** Well, the level was below the mud ?” At this point the Arbitrator, who had been following the proceed- ings until now with rather perfunctory attention, became gently | excited, and seemed to take a personal interest in the mud. “I suppose it is shown here?” he said, to the Witness, adding something technical about the ‘‘ marsh level,” which tended to prove that he knew all about it, and was doles his duty nobly. “Has not this spot been photographed?” asked the Cross- examiner, after a few moments of consultation with his clients. Then the ‘‘ number game” recommenced, and guesses were made at the proper exhibit. On being ultimately found, it afforded some disappointment, as there was a difficulty in re ising in the picture the relative positions of mud, trees, water, and houses. Of course all this took some time, and no one was sorry when the usual adjournment for luncheon occurred. ~~ Ay the morn- ing’s work, I found, on referring to my notes, that just three questions had been asked and answered ; but this, of course, did not h | include the queries as to charts and plans, which were much more numerous. ** Quite a op to-day,” said one of the Solicitors, as we left the Court. ‘‘ If we can only keep this rate up, we shall break the neck of the case before Christmas!” After the refreshment interval (which I spent in the Bar dining- room, a sort of vault that might have served equally well for a workhouse kitehen or a military prison) I returned to my seat, and was soon followed by the other interested parties. Once more the cross-examination commenced with its accompani- ment of plans, photographs, and the like, and again the Counsel received further instructions before putting every new question. It reminded me of a game of chess played by one individual against a number of others acting in concert. After every answer of the uestioned the questioner and his assistants conferred as to what should be the next query. It was distinctly slow and monotonous, and, at a pound a minute, seemed rather expensive. With my left hand resting on a pile of legal authorities that I had brought into Court with me on the chance o uiring them, I some- what lazily jotted down a précis of the ings. Suddenly the Cross-examiner addressed the Arbitrator in quite a new tone. “Sir.” said he, ‘‘I cannot help feeling that all we have been doing this morning and for many days before this morning is a farce, and nothing but a farce. The general impression of the public is that arbitration is cheaper than law. It is nothing of the sort, Sir it is merely a dear and slovenly way of getting justice administered without a trained Judge and an intelligent Jury.” ** Really, this is very indecent!” exclaimed an opposing Barrister. ** Surely this inquiry has been conducted on the pleasantest possible terms. Weare alla happy family.” *“We are!” admitted the first speaker, ‘‘we are! But on public grounds I consider the system pernicious. But Ido not say this to cause strife. I merely mention it, as I can now see a way of bringing the suit to a highly satisfactory conclusion. I am in 4 — to state that the Plaintiffs, Messrs. Lona and UNDERPIN, ave proposed to and been accepted by the ladies representing the Defendant Company—two charming and accomplished Nieces. The cause, consequently, is at an end.” Hallo!” said a voice near me, which I immediately re ised as Pappiecut’s. ‘“‘ Just returned from Henley! You are making a nice row in your sleep! ” “In my sleep!” I exclaimed. ‘‘ What do you mean?” I looked round. Certainly the Court had resumed its usual calm, colourless appearance. The same Witness was still being cross- examined in the same leisurely fashion, the same Counsel was yet again consulting with the same clients before putting the same sort of query. Bae I exclaimed, ‘‘ there is to be a jage!” we Nonsense !” replied Pappiecut. ** Why, what are you thinking a i “Why, that Zong and Underpin y. The Improved Palace and People’s Comsiry Seat Building Society is settled.” “That settled!” exclaimed Pappiecur; ‘ why, it will last for years! You must have been dreaming!” And I had! A. Brreriess, JUNIOR. ‘MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless Guglen of A. cecil bo kage tat the Gente ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—<Avevsr 8, 1886.

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Page 100

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARL —Acovsr 8, 1885.

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, Holloway, in the Parish of 8t. Mary, Is!ington, in the County of Middicsex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Agnew, & Co., Lombard strest, Ae

Page 101

This ‘as R O BE RT: rom | THE NEW] With several * PUNCH.”) ‘ OR, NOTES FROM SHILLING | Illustrations by published _| THE DIARY OF A City Waiter| ———— CHARLES KEENE, Va ew LY v Po) 2) m + =z ps) m m “3ON3d VOLUME EIGHTY- NINE. § a TT amuse “OCDE ae AUGUST 15, a tee TOL ATV 4 a PU Che OL ee He mes MINES, = oan’ SS . rtd, ie " mes ex : = “e ae Ca 3 i ie; Fel Co Ee OS he yun ine Wi 8) Nien Ns . ue rar | Gy Ply y a e — OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY 4 ALL BOO KSELLERS, “ reigns alone among 1 At DO >] [4 1 na VY 1 Natoral Didtic Tae

Page 102

—— PUNCH, OR” THE LONDON CHARIVARI —Auausr 15, 1855. i. 2 ee ee ee

BLACK’S Guide Books. Isle of Man, 20. 6d Isle of Wight, le. 64 Jereey, le Kent, 9s 64 | Killarney Lakes, le Leansin gt « le | Leicedterehire, 2s @4. Leadon, 3. 64, Nottinghamabige, 3s 64 | Rearborou eh, te, | Seotiand, 4. 64. & le. | Surrey , 2+. 64. Susgen, 2s. 64, Wales, bs, & Is. Warwickshire, %. @& Yorkshire, 6s meh setehir Engiand * td BRagitsh Lakes, 3+ 64 tershire, 26 6d. Gecrnmecy, Glouces Marrogat Hampoh Hereford, % 64 Iretand, Ss Edinburgh: ADAM sawp CHARLES BLAOK. NEW AND POPULAR WNOVELA. THE VERGE OF NIGHT. By Peact Guse THE LAW FORBIDS By Katuaninen Kin SNOW IN HARVEST. By Ipa Asuwonrn Tarton. S9Giy. ENTANGLED. By Miss Farmrax By anare MADAME DE PRESNEL. By BK. Pageces Poys ren. < vols THE SINS OF THE FATHERS. Hy Henny Oaseewers. 8 vols HURST «@& BLACKETT, Publishers ~PERMIND - MOUNTS ON THE sTock EXCHANGER Price d.; post free ts. id TE STOCKBROKER’S WIFE. hy KRAORPRIVGR HEMYNG, Middie Tem- Ldited by JOHN *SHAW, Stock broker Lepte m: J. & R. Maxwett, Shoe Lane, B.C. GANGSTER & CO., Umbrella Makers te the Queen and Koyal Family, have prepared for thie sea ona ent of ~ Kou & CAS PARASOLS and BUN UMBRELI in new desig..« and egiours, compri-ing their —w admired‘ Princess “ Ba Tous Cus for Pétes, Flower Shows, and Races 140, Regent Street. . Pleet owen. » al jane

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Aveust 15, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, THE UA=~ RO-F ~ tAnaN KRY Ox a sweltering Au ee As the SPEAKER ifouniseen the House, A Native Oyster wept on the breast Of a sympathetic old Grouse. “Pity me, comrade,” he sobbed, “‘ for eep My mental anxieties are ; The dredging season commenced last week, Though this isn’t a month with an R.! “Tn deps less ernel and greedy than ese I was safe while the Dog-Star shone ; I could fatten in peace and dreamily gape My subaqueous bed upon. Ieould slumber, lulled by the lapping wave, Through the heat of an August day, Ur, whistling softly, the gambols watch Of my innocent spat at play. “ But a law, which I cannot hesitate _ To denounce as a licence to crime, Permits the vile dredger to hyke me up Jast a month before my time. his savage, indecent sletianows haste e is due To deprive me of li 0 the basest of human propensities, From the Oyster’s point of view.” ‘Be of good comfort!” the Grouse uypePlie My griefs are as great as thine ; he aoe that endangers thy precious e Is fatal to me and mine. or our enemy, Man, at this time of year, Is bent upon shooting me down, : aw devour my roasted re- At dinner with crumbs fried brown. ‘The summertide through’ he has chuckled with joy ns To hear | was hardy and strong ; OYSTER AND THE GROUSE. In pe as the deadly Twelfth Ww ’ The debates he has deemed too long ; And , ae that the Session’s chatter is one— A marvel of wasted breath— He is off with his dogs and gillies and gun To the moors, to compass my death. “ We are one in our perils, my molluse en We are one in our family woes, For our toothsome bodies are coveted now By greedy, unscrupulous foes Who gloat on our fatness in leaders and ‘ pars With outbursts of fiendish glee, And lick their lips at the hideous mene, Of swallowing thee and me!” ‘A ourse upon science!” the Oyster exclaimed, As the tears his cheeks ran down, “On the locomotive that brings us up fresh To the gormandising Town! On the popemeer ghouls,—when I think of them I can never choose but weep,— Who revel in gruesome forecasts that we Shall abound this year, and be cheap!” Thus sadly, that August afternoon, The Oyster did wail and whine i e brilliant eye of the Grouse was dimmed With unfamiliar brine. But he who heard them lament was lad, And a smile illumined his face, As he ied, “* Natives a penny apiece, — And Grouse at three shillings a brace!” Tue Ovrcorns GovERNMENT 10 TBE Speaxen.—‘' Mori-tories te salutant |” PAGES FROM A DIARY Kept by the Acting- Assistant, Deputy Sub-Editor of the Official Court Circular, Svypay.—There are so many impestent facts omitted from the daily record of Royal doings with which I have the honour to be connected, that I have determined to them public. For instance, although the Circu- lar gives the name of the y Divine selected for the distinction of. before Her Masesry Finer = i ns it + pg minutes q r of an hour ever occupant of the Pew was awake. It was oaly during the last five minutes that two Princes and a samaep (whose names are suppressed for obvious reasons) slum ’ Prince Curist1an of Schleswig-Holstein (who stayed to luncheon) expressed much satisfaction with ‘‘ vinegar- jam,” a new sort of which H.R.Hy has recently in vented. Monday.—The Circular, although announcing the fact that the Queen and Princess Bearuice took a drive in the morning, omitted to mention that Spot, favourite HP is Bene ett opt b coe Henny t a large portion of the morning in Merge, the tases of How to Sak Inglis in a Fortnight, by Professor SaveRKRavrt, i a P (who sta re remy age much aj val of a tenga ‘utes gras which had the honour of eu H.R. i ‘ Tucodey.— The Game ioe Beatrice '"~ a drive in a -carriage. ireular qmitted to mention that the! i of the Robes was asoommodated with a seat on the box. Prince Curist1an of Schleswig-Holstein (who stayed to luncheon) was graciously pleased to express his ap- proval of the soup, fish, roast beef, and rabbit. Wednesday.—The Prince and Princess of Watrs took a crnise in their yacht, the dine, accompanied by T.R.H. the Dukeand Duchess of Connavent, the Princess Louise, Prince and Princess Hewry of Battenberg, Prince Curistian of Schleswig- Holstein (who came on board in time for five o’clock tea), Prince and Princess of Barrey- bere, T.8.H. the Count and Countess Vow Pumrer- nickel, Baron RompetstirKry, Baron Sruutz, Connt Von Homnoas, Prince SpoonNickeL, Baron Proo, and the Marquis of Lonyge. A large number of Ladies and Gentlemen of the Court were also honoured with an invitation. Owing to a breeze springing up, some of the company were accommodated with places on an accom- panying Ryde and Portsmouth steamboat. The band of the Royal Marine Artillery were in attendance. Prince Curistian of Schleswig-Holstein (who stayed to luncheon), expressed his approval of a superb dish of liver and bacon, a plat ially for H.R. H. Thursday.—This being the forty-first birthday of the Duke of Eprvsunen, H.R.H. called upon the Prince and Princess of Waxes, the Duke and Duchess of Connavont, the Duchess of ALBANY, the Princess Louise, Marchioness of Lorne, the Prince CuntsTiay of Sehleswig- Holstein (who was not at home), and a large number of H.R.H.’s friends and acquaintances, The birthday presents ac- cepted by H.R.H. were more numerous than costly, with the exception of those offered by the Royal household, which were of the value sancti by precedent. Prince Cunistian of Schleswig-Holstein (who stayed to luncheon), was the only member of the Royal Family present at that meal. H.R.H. iously shared the viands prepared for the members +f the Ruyal Household. Friday.— Prince Curist1ay of Schleswig- Holstein (who stayed to lnpehoon}, inspeeted the Royal Kitchen, and spent a considerable time in examining the wine-cellars and larder, graciously testing their contents. Saturday.—Prince and Princess Hexay of Battenberg accompanied one another to-day (the first time this week), for a walk. Two ladies and three equerries (on horseback) were in attendance. In the afternoon His Royal se oe to London,while the Princess accom pani r Majesty in_a_ closed pony carriage, to make some purchases in Ryde, The weather was inclement. Prince Cunittian of Schleswig-Holstein (who stayed to lancheon), is suffering from todisposition. ’s entire meal. VoL, LXXXrx,

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74 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avousr 15, 1886, | —— —— THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION. “Now, JouN, YOU MUST DECIDE WHERE IT's TO BE! SHALL WE SAY Scarnporoven !” “No, THE JONESES ARE THERE!” “ Fotxsstons!” “No, THat'’s WHERE THE BRowws HAVE GONE TO!” “ ILFRACOMBE, THEN!” “No, HANG IT !—THINK OF THE ROBINSONS ALL OVER THE PLACE!” [And so, ad infinitum, through every Seaside Resort in the three kingdoms. attack upon Lord against adjectives such as those used by the noble Lord.”’) Anovr with Adjectives? No, my dear Hartrneroy, Harder than that of the besom-armed Partineton Fighting a locust-swarm ’s nothing at all to it, Ne one, without an im: Public life now is a sort Sweeter to lie with a “‘ weed” and dry Adjectives ! Thinks he ’s a Jove w Substantive statement, sound sense, and solidity. Insolent adjectives hurls with avidity ; Vulgar invective’s the test of ab Chivalry’s timid, and tame is civility, Nouns may need nous, verbs need handling with clarity, A fellow to chuck over | HARTINGTON yes, argument is mere vanity Only true ‘‘ counter % pro declare that civilisation is in question France must their will, there isa van, well known at which, were it possible, France ought to ride. A PLAGUE OF ADJECTIVES, “ Pudge!” said Mr. Burchell.—Vicar of Wakefield, [Lord Hartinorton, replying to Lord R. Cuvncunz; Rrron, said: “It is impossible to argy That is a task to drive common sense frantic, Sweeping away at the foaming Atlantic. Epithets now have such superfctation, ive calltoit, — t plague of the nation. | apillory, — stand to be pelted wis phrases ; ry, Eyes to the heavens and back to the daisies. Adjectives ! pom ~y sick es them, very young nincom on a platform ni py Sis hs caatiats ib pick of then. Billingsgate only his equal in ¢hat form. Cares to encounter Where one must All seem su Statesman? Dearno! but a — mud-spattere,, ity, With that crass mob who are sweet on denouncing, CLEon must now be eternally trouncing. Hooroo for adjectives! they will enable ic, taste, x] illingsgate-Ba Landing him safe in a ALLAN, a Bigcar, a CHURCHILL, for v insanity The expletive simple of Mr. Burchell ! Tried on a | | | P Conquest and ‘‘ Conveyance.” As touching an active Colonial policy, meaning th} sed conquest of Madagascar, the French Governmett, “ Civilisation requires it of them, and wha) be in the van"! Bow Str 2 If France will seize upon the territory of OUR BOOKING-OFFICE, Tere hasn’t been for some time a better number of Macmriian’s English Illustrated Magazine than this one for August. Some of the illustrations are c ing. Beneath the Dark 8. is the first instalment of a tale intended, | like the Fat Boy’s story, to make your flesh creep. Dropping into | verse, We may say,— The Enghsh Illustrated Magazine Is the ever Was seen ; Fed nape ye each month by the far-famed Macmr.an. It only costs sixpence, well worth a shillun’. J ightly there is an article which we have read with interest. It is on ‘ The New Naturalism,” and its Author is the Jersey Lily, but Mr. W. 8. Litty. Far as most will go with him in his estimate of Gorcon-Zora, yet ; t Surgeons, on the vivisectionist side, will of his general i to pass unchallenged. Mr. at the idea of injuring even a of Vivisection under certain stringen' If he were sure that he could confer on the whole human race, by vivisecting Joby, such an inestimable boon as pam pe dh ce of that painful operation a solemn and sacred duty, then, with Toby’s consent, but not without, he would sacrifice his own f offer up Toby at the shrine of humanity. “ What’s the next article?” Oh, a most interesting one on the N Press in Paris. In same magazine Dr. MoRREL Meenas inde Be. unfortunate name, so suggestive of, “i a Don- KIN what wouldn’t go”—is brilliant and instructive. It introduces us to a “ fabulat ist who has indicated the phy- lactic,” and who} gout “the refuge for the destitute diagnos- and liver! Tae foll ** At the looking man had the which ¢ im.”’ Bat who tician.” Then Dr. Macxenzte playfully terms the stomach and th) liver ‘‘seapegoats.” It is quite a happy thought. ‘*O my lug) “T’ve a pain in a acting properly,” and so forth. Dr. Donxuy, has our best thanks for having given the Rejoindering One sucht first-rate chance. its own simple, yet mysterious tale, in a manner which en exceptional powers of weighing evidence on the part of the that Mr. Punch would suggest that gentleman’s immediate prom tion to the Bench. He would, however, very much like to ko what passed while the strange man Bices was ‘‘ put back ?” How suggestive of a shilling story and title ! Mrs. Bices “‘ looking after Breas” especially, think of it! his wife. Medical and other evidence having been given, Mr. Lusn1so™ risoner put back, and in the afternoon his wife attended the 0” arte proved there was no foundation for his statement, and ® romising to look after her husband in future, Mr. Lusuiverown dischary™ was the Mrs. Biecs in question ? ever, if the Reporter was satisfied—he was there, that ’s everything—or nearly e O goroo, goroo!” Henceforth let the sufferer sy, scapegoat ;” or, ‘I think my scapegoat ia! Though in a frenzy | With Doctor Mackenzrz, PROOF VERY POSITIVE. owing extract from the Times of the 4th inst. tell With the present sequel tlemanly- gen death d Thames Police-court, Tuomas Biaos, an elderly, , was charged on his own confession with causing ¢ calling herself Mrs. B a her husband? and we werent gave evidence that the | “HARD LINES.”

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Page 106

76 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Avaeusr 15, 1888, | ———— ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. —~ “See EXTRACTED FROM 7s THE DIARY OF TOBY, MP, House of Commons, Monday, August 3.—* We are all enjoying our Bank Holiday,” said Bourke, just now, in explanation of reason why certain Papers were not |e we Quite true: only, like our forefathers Known to Frotssart, we are taking our pleasure sadly. House not very full, and everybody beat. ** Most curious thing,” said Cuatstopmer Syxes, worn almost toa shadow with unremitting attendance upon Parliamentary duties “that we should make Bank Holiday for all the world, only omitting our- selves. Why shouldn’t Hon. Members have their Bank Holi- day like other working-men ?” “Yes,” said the Sage of Queen Anne’ Gat SHERBROOKE calls ‘airy 1’ in ’A every public- house? Why shouldn’t they fill the streets with brawls when they reach Town, storm the public- houses at half-past twelve, beat their wives by way of greeting, wake in the morning with a headache that only more drink will cure, and resolve at least to make half a week of it? Why should there be one law for the poor and another for the rich? And why should both Houses of Parliament be debarred from the innocent joys and pleasures provided by Lussock for the great body of the toiling masses ?”’ However, it’s no use fighting against the law, and instead of taking a day in the country with the rest, here we are slaving away at the Criminal Law Amendment Bill. Go by Ten o'Clock ; took up Scotch Secretary Bill, upon which Lrow Piayrate delivered luminous speech, in course of which, he observed that duties of proposed new Secretary were “ like a Haggis.” ** Yes, but what’s a Haggis like ?” said Asomeap-Barrtcetz, still athirst for information. J. B., the Polite Letter Writer. PLayrarR very properly took no notice of interruption. A man | o¢ who didn’t know a Haggis when he met one, was not worth devoting attention to. Tuesday, 5'10 a.m.—Going home with the Milkman, havi t cheerful night with the Irish Labourer. Passed Bill through Com- mittee. Don’t know what it’s about. Understand it’s meant to help Parnellites in coming General Election. Anyhow, they insisted upon proceeding with it to-night, and of course we had to stay. Might have got home twenty minutes ago, only for Infants’ Bill. Don't know what this Bill was about, either. Josepu Guxis says he believes it’s a Bill to Put Down Infants, but isn’t sure. looking in in the early morning, as is his custom, found Haunt Drxe asleep on two chairs in library, exhausted with the Irieh Labourer. * What's the matter now?” Dyxe asked, waking when division- bell clanged. “ An infant crying for the light, An infant crying in the night, And with no language but a cry,” said Brioes. “Take it out of that,” said Dyxez, handing Brices a box of wax matches, and, turning over on his side, was fast asleep again. Business done.—Up all night, winding up business. Tuesday Night.—Ireland again, with small hours of the night given up to Scotland. PaRneLy back after mysterious disappearance of overa week. Understood he was away trying some fresh experi- t this through Committee | gn} ments with his hair. Quite expected to see him come in with crow, | and hair otherwise cropped close. But to earlier | of Oscan Wipe. i among the Boys that he’s takes | oath neither to shave or cut his hair till JoserH GrLwis is made y et. “Why,” he asks, “should Ranpotrn get something for all his| men, whilst Ehave nothing to bestow? JoserH GrIL.is shall bes B.B.K. Trot Heaty shall be Attorney-General for Ireland ; and for Szxton, he shall be ~~ Commissioner to Chili, or some cher dead | place where it will take him long time to go out and back. Not to have RaNDOLPH crowing over me !” Pala! head At midnight House in tee on Scotch Fisheries Bill. Dz Worms in oni. : : : “Oh!” said O’Suea, looking in, and preparing to leave imme- | diately. Worms and Fishing. How appropriate. Ground-buit, I su ? * No” said Ramsay, wondering how he could make such a mistake ; “ Sea-Fisheries.”’ , Business done.—Several Bills advanced. Wednesday.— priation Billon. On this Motion all kinds of| subjects may be Tocussed. O' Baten took opportunity of calling | attention to letter eel erg g to have been written by Exrineroy to GRaNviL_e on the subject of appointment of Archbishop of Dusun, @ToN capital and convincing reply. ‘*‘ How did the letter come into O'Brixw’s hands? It was either a forgery or wu) stolen.” More than this the new “ barnet,” as O'BRIEN calls him, | i to say. Josern GiLuis, with most judicial air, expressed his opinion that Exmmreron had given no answer ‘* because he relly | had none.” But, on the whole, O’Brien probably sorry he spoke, Not a nice thing to be fixed with alternative, however blandly put, endeavour to make use of a letter that is either forged or stolen. | debate-remained with Pat O’Brien. In very best mind full of glowing thoughts, after giving i affair, Sir Pat deviated into disquis- | | family. flexi Sir Pat was in- just. “Oneday,” he said, *‘thisdueal family were followers of W1- tum. Another day they were followers of Jamexs. * But,” he i » in a voice of thunder, ‘* we have had a woman in Eng- land—a Sanan—and I ask whether the Sapan of former days has fallen away, and whether there ought not to be in the t day a feminine escendant of the great edom of MARLBO- noven?” All this Sir Pat uttered, with his eye resting upon Ranpo.ps, whose presence had evi- dently inspired this flight uence, House langhter. Ramsay seriously puzzled. P “* What’s the man at?” he asked Sir Grorcz Batrour. ‘* What’s the Duke of Martzonoves to do with the letter from Erninerton t Grawvitxe, that O’Brren says he’s got; and who’s Saran? The man’s clean daft, and what people are laughing at I don’t know.” The flood of Sir Pat’s eloquence stopped by accidental dropping into bad } Gliding naturally from the Great Saran t question before the House, drew graphic picture of Attorney-General for Ireland kissing O’Brien on both cheeks, and asking him attack ‘those damned Whigs.” Srzaxker, trying to look as if he hadn’t been laughing, grave Aime sgn Sir Pat, knowing he'd put his foot in it, hastily withdrew the remark, and presently brought remarkable oration to a close. . “I do not,” said Ranpotrn, “ know a more delightful or interest- ing speaker than Sir Paraic O’Brien. When he rises to address the House he has no notion of what he is going to say ; and when he sits down his audience have not the least idea of what he has meant to say.” . ¥ Business done.—Appropriation Bill read Third Time. Thursday.—Couldn’t make out the other day what Rampotri wi at. * Tosy, old man,” says he, “wish you'd look up in Mangnall’s Questions, or somewhere else, how many Viceroys there are, I’a busy with these Indian figures, and don’t want to get mixed. — Sir P. O’Brien invokes the Divine Sarah.

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‘| “ Tur Emperor, determined to do fitti honour to his to t we one up already. However, must make the best of what only soles the celebrated old Decnion | ap tide aye Riess dessert plates to be brought hurriedly fi Berlin, but had ict This all dark to me at the time. Lag Hy it now. Ranpoirn excepting only those of the Austrian . Kaiser his ‘fair Reneuts sondh 6 m to-night with Indian B For first hour toiled along | the surprise of the attentive rietor of the F hloss, ruthless! t through mazes of figures, which “) listened to, and fewer from the walls of his temper 2 rawing-room.’”—Gastien Grvmeniont.” En suite.—From a Distingwished Invalid’s Diary. 9 A.M.—Took the waters. Feel as cm as ever. og onl calling this place Bad-Gast@in! I call it good and the more gas turned on the be mB. F B. I’ll ea that joke for the gala dinner this afternoon. ust receive him becoming! dl and see wine of quarters they have given a8 tee ubinger. 10 a.m.—Have had all the matting, , and oil-cloth taken up, and have telegraphed to Potsdam for Great Frepr- RICK’S mperial sheeting. Have also a = of Hotel to be painted Prussian blue, picked out with Ha les, and the Waiters and Beverietow 7 ons to go eP fast i, fall-drees uniform of Walt bok Jane Be Then aoe that’s neat. wearing a mn 4 “6 wraprascal, and am a cheered. 11 A.M. Don't half like the look of the entrance-hall and stair- case. Have telegraphed to Potedam for two dozen double-lounged dos-a-dos Imperial ottomans, and for the great chandelier from the Opera- rege 6 Raman. Dear me—here they are! and I've not yet picked out fp orm. I think a Silesian Grenadier Drum- major (drum and 1) will surprise them. Capital idea ! 1'll try it. P 2 P.M. They, hare, come, “but owing to kepey prenes being A Riron Curry A La Surprise. rane ncn’ Ow Own) in und te Toe Saecedees by aa 1 Jabberanwakab (the new Indian “ Chef,” addressing Lord | mistake. This h orlendid ae gvetien, but hope it won't =rt-ngt-n). “I think, b, I’ve made it hot enough for you f” ae the adhe. — ELjzaBeTH very gracious. ered her a complete set oft room curtains from Babelsberg. understood. ae thee his coat, care- : ' , fly folded it up, Dut it down ox rc wned on, Gr i . and surprised. Ha! jhere’s dinner. 2088 to let better 6 v.m.—Dinner t success. Com liment implied in family | mH turned, ralled up his me wy went ‘for or Lard soup-tureen siiedih osen without iglentiion. Desert over. Eee Nobody expected this, least of all Rrron, who at the moment was a 3 ar praby Ly ow my gy BS stil placidly dressing for dinner. charming. Promised her a dozen loo-tables and the whole of the “Ha! Ha!” cried Rawpotrn, dancin need round og figure of fourth-storey furniture at Stolzenfels, Francis-Josern unrecognis- ex-Viceroy. ‘Clamsy!” (and =s6 im’ up one Stupid!” | able as a North German Port Admiral. Haynes, directed by Tuuy, (and he fetched him one on the ). “* A crime!” the other eye | managed to embrace him this time. Off at Excitement quite closed) ; “and a blunder ” (inal. blo blow laid ex-Viceroy on his back). affecting. Have sent soup-tureen and two wetalo-diches after them All this of course in a Parli rer Ong by special courier on horseback. Everybody touched to hysterics. m, Tony,” | To the “T think that rather astonished he said, after it was allover, ‘Fan of it was, they never thoug ht what was comin Badeschioes again bye back way quietly. Interesting day. Worst of it is, I’m using them up so fast, fat, and on i supply strictly limi K Kast 6 over two Viceroys within a week. save up LonspaLz OFFICIUM CUM DIGNIBATE. Business done.—Indian Budget brought in. Tue open “foe ia and youthful Secre of iy and wi for India, the other Friday.—A quiet night. Very few here, and these in low spirits. | day in his in Parliament, — ith a serious sense of Criminal Law Amendment Bill being dis cussed, with one eye on the | his responsibility as a Minister of the described the necessity Housing of the Working Classes B Bil ‘If If Criminal Law Apendment he was under of introducing a Budget crown a sence of am and were disposed of before half-past twelve, t’other would come on.|a half, as “hard lines.” Here are some more handy aud elegant But if talk can be kept up till 12°30, must stand over. So opponents sheeene for him. of the Housing of Working Classes Bill talked at length on Th iminal| Reply to a late Indian Secretary, who Raw’ chargéd hin ivith im- Law Amendment Bill up to half-past twelve. When clock struck | perilling the destinies of the Empire by & jpn ernaanee of his half hour, talk suddenly collapsed. Colton Law Amendment Bill | present policy.—Yah! get out! You're tae ; Housing of the Working Classes Bill passed over. That’s} Peroration of stirring and patriotic s Davy Ar fi, pare- W we sometimes do work in the House of ame. mount value of India as ir ieee pire i BF, | —— Avovust 15, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL crown ie | “ three,” I told him later. “‘ There ’s Ireland, India, take "Can find aly Br: HIGH-SKY-HIGH COMPLIMENTS. — “Dear me,” says Ranpotra, “only three! And I’ve gone and t . ay SF I tell you w tho Conntmnes.got al pot of money on it = ppins ELow-Sraras t litical threat Members of A pny aes 2 te fo the woe. Soon by q Mss ~ = th Front Oppention ~~ who have f intention of Po oral “dpessers.” Very nice of the dressers; what | vay, mi Sasod 2 eee the yhole ws of aie eiives Da : ’m 1 won’ e Ww itl di he Wtchoeetable bend? Oh! Lo Late yaght Eres mL) ps to Lord Ripony ey: & blooming Viceroy, v Rewepy. an § *¢ Jarmot: eitttitio, done ” J vrest- asked last wok “40 stop the perpetti#lly she Homes’ Zou BR ego Sarath agiemes are Te taunt be obvious, from , Highgate Archway Certain] abov e specim ww a homely ven debates —_ ra y Take down the Archway, of the future if new Members will only take pon h leaf out of the — he for Woodstock’s latest Parliamentary Play-gre mye ge Boo Orr tHe Stace.—When an inimitable Actor has retired, enya wha he wes Faisid ta the Upper ict a Wires Did ron he Mr a han of he ear ‘bo dear as Grouse? When it’s a little Cheeper fay sbuse him, wewitteaess course, without fear of contradic-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA RIVARL ee) {Avevusr 15, 1886, MUSIC AT HOME. . LP i (IN THE COUNTRY HOUSE.) Herr Bémolski (by request), “‘ Aon, if YouR LATYSHIP SHALL CRACIOUSLY BERMIT, I SHALL BLAY FOR YOU MY RONTO ANTANTINO | GABRIOCCIOSO IN F moLL!” Noble Hostess “Om, THAT WILL BE VERY NICE! TUNER DIED A FEW YEARS AGO, AND WE'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO FIND ANOTHER!” I’m AFRAID THE PIANO IS NOT IN FIRST-RATE ORDER, BY THE BYE. Ook ONE WARNING MORE! Warnine?’ What wealthy citizen should need it ? True public spirit would anticipate The Censor’s cry, not stiffly scorn to heed it. How long must Bumble-palsied London wait, Despite plain decency and common sense, The crass caprice of callous opulence ¢ Zsthetic argument, of course, falls blunted On our true Babylonian Pachyderm. True, Little Pedlington might be affronted And Hole-cum-Corner squirm, At being thought oblivious of the duty Of paying civic reverence to Beauty. But your true Cockney Croesus smiles supe- rior Upon the sentimental claims of Taste ; What matters it if London’s grey exterior Be one huge sacrifice to greed— and paste, So gold in swollen coffers is piled quicker, ae & Stucco-fiend and the Bill- ticker No, no, our “‘ Citizen of no mean City” _ not the pride of Athens or old ome ; He does not care (Shame murmurs, ‘ More’s the pity !”’) To have a or decorative . What interest has he in dome or tower— Unless as conduit for a“ Danie shower ? hilistines might Fem Sot! Our London Millionnaires care ttle, Finding their City brick, to leave it stone. Who of them e’en contributes jot or tittle To make the huge Metropolis stand alone In splendour, as in spread of mile on mile ? Great Midas, no! That’s not at all their style. But cleanliness, and safety ? think Their stodgy slow Batavian souls might There you ’d ten : To have it made a midden or a sink You'd hope might sicken them, or, if not, Srighten. Bah "Would you know how greed can blind an en, Good Stranger, go and look at Covent Garden! Take civet with you, take carbolic acid, And then—nose-pinching—gaze upon the scene Batrovk can contemplate with patience lacid Noblesse oblige ? How very, very green He must be who conceives that lofty station— In London—brings a sense of obligation ! Stale almost as its smells the old old story Of foul Mud-Salad Market! Very like! Wrong, spite of stout attack, too oft grows Before ’tis felled; but Right must strike and strike. What are we waiting for, with rising gorge ? MuprForp’s souvenience the Giolers He will not shrink, or spare, or huckster slowly. What make you, Muckrake, with you fith-clogged broom ? for him? A task unholy! A garbage- If in this gathering One warning more! loom Mephitic, foul, he rise, grim shape of Fate, Vain Pleadings, Muckrake ; they will come too late. Fast or Breakfast ? | Do the various complainants equine’ the | despotism of the “‘ Autocrat of the Scotch | Breakfast-Table” really mean to say that) ithe extensive Licensed Victualler, so called, | will allow them no breakfast except at table d’ héte times, and refuses to allow them to be served with a mess of porridge, or a roll and | an egg, or a slice of ham and a cup of tea of coffee, at their own hours? Can the tourist in the Land of Cakes obtain no cake except just when that imperious and bloated Bung | pleases? If so, any traveller contemplating | a tour in Scotland had better be provided | with a portable spirit-stove and supply o| provisions, so as to constitute himself his owt * Cook’s Tourist.” QuEsTIONABLE ComPARATIVE.—The present PurMizR has credit for getting on_better Win? te Led Sacsssune a grenter pone y? Is URY a greater than the Grand Old One? Yes, they say be is a persona grata.

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BRERRRSRESTSESEEE | Feesge a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevsr 15, 1885. (a AQT —— ONE WARNING MORE! Scene—Mud-Salad Market. Mr. Poxcu (Inspector of Nuisances’. “‘ NOW, THEN, MY NOBLE STICK-IN-THE-MUD, 1’VE TOLD YOU TO CLEAR UP THIS PLACE LONG AGO. WAKE UP, OR IT WILL BE TOO LATE!”

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Re ee -— oa - Fe {

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Aveust 15, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AN “HONOURABLE ADJUSTMENT.? OLD STYLE, NEW STYLE. *,* A contribution towards the next illustrated work on English Manners and Customs by the the Author of John Bull et son Iie. a -BRER WOLFF TACKLES OLD MAN TURKEY-BUZZARD. “The Porte is likely to proceed with excessive caution in the negotia- tions with Sir H. D. Wotrr. '— Standard. “Uncite Remus,” oth, & Sci Wa boy, “how did Brer Wolff get on with Brer rer Wal “ Who? ? Dew Oat ” ala the old nigger vaguely, as though not ‘Tee the bearings of the question. ell, Uncle Remus, you know you said that Brer Bison and Brer Fox and old Brer and Brer Coon agreed to send Brer Wolff to take the measure of Brer s back and mouth, and——” fellers, kaze Brer Pig he say Brer Fox ain’t bin bodderin him like dem udder beas’s; en Brer Fox he ’low ez mos ev Brer Pig’s didos wuz all tok dom Gran’ Ole Man Rabbit en his gang. Pe yer raize u a lotter toof — e *m ain’t keer. ong de udder beasteses. Brer Fox he Bison, en Ole Man Hare, en Brer Coon feel sorter Ne, But Brer Fox he ain’t keer. En ez fer Miss Sally, ez useter back up Brer Fox, she let out like she’d knock de natal stuffin’ outer him der ole fambly. her ’bre cos’ he’d done nme en But Brer rt aint keer.” ‘i But about = bee ff and Brer Alligator, Uncle Remus?” asked the little boy, wi ** Dat’s des wit wor eraser tl yer ’bout!” said = 4 man, * Co’se I did, honey, = ype ioteevantih the old man. “ But calmly. ‘‘ All dis yer scumfishing wunner nudder tuk time, en bress grashus, "honey, gig atter gate don’t allers mean stattin’ fo’ | Brer Wolff Ae tuk time, en sorter ed hisself up, fore he sot out home.” ter see Brer Alligator en B key-Buzzard.” Didn’t Brer Wol after all, then ?” asked the little boy. ** Brer plete fpr | id a the little Tork “ Did’n’ say dat peas ay we responded Wnele Remus. “But| “ Co'se honey,” Remus, A. uzzard he dat sheep-skin wut I tell yer a Wolff wrop hisself up in sorter | mighty artful, en he ~ sorter hitch onter Brer igator’s tail. did’n’ quite cover him, en de udder heashente d de: look at him mighty | Gran’ Ole Man Rabbit he ain’t bin sorter nabersome wid Brer Turkey- suspectious like, dey did, en Brer Wolff he up'n sez ter Brer Fox, sezee, ‘Seems ter me dey sorter spishun sump'n,’ sezee. En kinder tarrify Brer Wolff. en he mma | knew w’at he gwinter do.” ‘ And was Brer Fox terrified, also asked the little boy. * Bress Wh pee eet wed. Who? Him? You dunno nuthin’ ’tall "bout Brer Fox ef dat’s de way you puttin’ him down. Seem like nuthin wouldn’ tarrify Brer Fox, he wuz jes’ as peart ez a circus pony all de time, he = But Brer Bison, en Old Brer are, en Brer Coon, ns A cay ta on ei saener nudder like dey ain’t quite see der wa pa der gone pe en Miss Meadows, she look on, en Gran’ “ica Rabi Beto pe ly low en watch, Gran’ Ole Man Rabbit he ins cag annie ly, kase he sorter nussin » Ay voice, ez wuz monstus weak — "neh palaversomeness. ut his eyes mighty still, en dey ain’t miss mos’ nuffin’. Bout dis yer time Brer Pig he cut up didos like he useter, en ae oer Oe eae spect ez Brer Bison, en Ole Man Hare, en Brer Fox, en come down on Brer Pig kerblam, en make him feel a oh like dey allers say dey 4 do if dey ony had own way way wid Brer Pig. Buzzard nohow, but yb Wolff ez wanted to tide Bs dis | like wat I tell yer afore, he ‘low he’d drop in en see ee Ber Tunkey Buzzard fust, en ax o eee, Me en puates see how de land la Brer Turkey-Buzzard he run fis’ en foot at no Tar his eye, lippity-clippity, en ter come round ** En now you “ 3 tter lay low too, too, honey, en you'll wun time ernudder,” . ails en he ain aA: wees trier smile en wink lay low en wait na Brer Wolff "i Remvs for this time. From the Saucy ‘‘ Sunbeam.” Comme on board, the Axe-Minister warmly aly hugeed the owner of the Sunbeam exclaiming, - Oi gs = Cranx said he'd heard recovering tone, bu at Election tine still. resder sp Sunbeam, cruising. about ”)— ep yoy d the = a ¢ tech shamed Merry ANDREW thie befoos. Me, Grapesens ie grednalis continues, wi him hoarse de combat. He is

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Avevsr 15, 1885. A REMINDER. Old Lady. *‘ Now, PorTar, YOU'RE QUITE SURE YOU ’vE PUT ALL my LvG- Gace In }—THE Bic PorTMANTLE AND——” Porter. “ Aut Rieut, Mom.” Old Lady, *‘ AND YOU'RE CERTAIN I1’VE NOT LEFT ANYTHING BEHIND——” Porter. *‘No, Mom, wor even A Coprrr!” MAJESTY AND MAGIC. Some interest, in the face of the present aspect of affairs in Eastern'Europe, h naturally enough attached itself to what, under usual circumstances, would been a very commonplace event. It appears that ‘‘ by special decree of the Sut- TaN,” a French charlatan who had appealed, ls his Embassy, against the prohibition of his public le ee by the Constantinople Police Authorities, was the other day appointed “ we gh juror in Ordinary to His Majesty,” with a salary, official dress, several orders in paste, and other perquisites, as befitting his important position. The report states that the Suttan, having expressed a wish to see the prestidi- itateur in question, and witness a specimen of his leger-de-main off-hand, the latter, appening to commence his oo ie Manat by the familiar appeal to his audience “to lend him half-a-crown,” a was not only so keenly touched with wuasty at this immediate chert to borrow, but was, moreover, put into ae excellent good-humour when it was discovered that not a notable in the a ment had a yp >: y in his pocket, that he ordered the Minister he Household to draw up the necessary form of investiture on the spot, and dis- patched the Financial Adviser to autograph- letter to the British Am asking for the loan of the required sum “on the usual terms. After a slight delay which, involving some awkward threatened to cause a little uneasiness in the di arrived with the kindly meant, but significant, message ‘‘ that it must really be the last,” and the f iar experiment was with. The trick is too well known to need any description, suffice it to say the accustomed feats of wrapping up the half-crown in a handkerchief, — FR a ean, and eventually cutting it out of a prepared ,_and gave infinite aes t to the attentive and | and highly cut cultivated a. at when the Minister inance, who, thinking be was The only hi of Fi holding up the half-crown in a box which really contained t fanery. 2 cup of Deb erties, and tho ano ot , by some lip down Lis hovve, tnd, ovidanily not ustheing whet'he kad dees, Nemes the + Treasury forthwith with a polite or, uses, at one time circle, the money, excused himself for leaving Gegeem, room dear on the plea that ‘‘he had just seen on the other side of the way,” through p oy — I, ‘window. At the conclusion, however, much to the surprise of everybod who had noted this little incident, the money was oe safe enough inside the fruit, from which it was cut by the Sutra himself, who instantly put it > _ own nid Keep f ~1¢ — =! time om ne great Weds 4 as a special memento o P. oy —_ no oe a : hott e making of a plum- ding inan mpue oe next followed, and Ke Nt he left, the versatile entertainer mised, at the special request * His ey uent occasion, to make the R Soma, and —ateene- my obj ui netinOwat functionaries, disappear permanen += er & canvas extingui The Suttan seemed hig hly gratified by this announce. ment, and after conversing cheerfully for some time with those about him as to the possibility of introducing /eger- de-main into the Naval and Military accounts, and of ** improving ” the Budget on the same mysterious lines, took his departure, privately, and unattended, for the Ra-hat-la-khoum quarter. (Ex-) ‘ Communicatep.”—Excommunication, in Nor- folk, at a place called Saham Toney (ever in possession of the Tony | pomeett r s family ’) is not ‘ ‘according to CockEr” by any means, but “‘ according to CoxEeR,”—’specially if om ‘ae finds himself out of his reckoning with his ishop. THE only Ecclesiastical Establishment in Mr. Cuam- BERLAIN’s New Republic would probably be the famous Order of *‘ The Monks of the Screw.” THE TWELFTH OF AUGUST. Tue mist is on the distant The presage of the noon- day heat, The murmur of the moun- tain rills On all the air is silver sweet. The — gorse-bush is - laze. “a = heather rolls a purple The glory of the August ios Is with us upon moor and lea, mar. The grouse are calling in the ling, Where yonder tufts of heather rise, Or, , wee ave wing, the clear blue skies. A shot ! The old a topples down, The first to rise and first to fall 5 Or, haply blazing at ‘‘ the brown,” The eager sportsman misses all No matter. Breast the coming hill, Next time take steady aim and true, And well we know the bag shall fill, Or ere there falls the evening dew. Far better this than Rotten Row, Or all the wrangles of the House, To walk where Norland breezes blow In August, and to slay the grouse. There ’s new life in the moorland air, Far dearer this than foreign lands, And wot we Cleveland hills are fair, Where Guisbrough’ 8 an- cient abbey stands. : No sight more beautiful {7% - we crave, Than this our eagereyes - desery ; , For lo! on yonder watchet ~ ’twixt sea and sky.

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het FES er- ant on- ver ple

Avovst 15, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 83

INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 16.

|

<S ?) dwaik te

A LIBERAL GARDEN PARTY IN A CONSERVATORY AT WOODEN DOLLIS HILL. Our Artist, having gone away for a holiday, has forgotten to send us either the Picture itself or the names of the persons in it, but has forwarded a “‘ Pictorial Key,’’ which we publish. We offer a Prize of one of Mr. Punch’s Half-Yearly Volumes to anyone who, within ten 6 from the date of publication, scores the largest number of correct guesses at the names of the Members of Parliament intended to be represented in the above Key.

IZAAK WALTON’S COMPLETE(LY) DONE ANGLER. |; Ghost of Viator. Viator. Whither away, Master? A good morning to you! I have) teh the train to Tottenham Ghost of Piscator. stretched my | to ca’ you with rod and basket, as of old. Nexo, in the lake of ham way, and see mine old Mavp.tw that hereabouts your heads !” thee tothe River Lea more got to Tottenham, and to the waterside. and would faiz take a chub, Totten- ts. ‘iator, Then have with you, Master; and I do mind me of pretty | clean] would sing us, “‘ Come, Shepherds, dec Piscator, Ay, Scholar, methinks Mavpi1x was the Siren that led | the dwellers on the Lea. They simply sow than all my wisdom. But here we are | thousands of helpless people, to save the expenditure of a certain sum of money. , and here I find Corydon. Ah, eth that it s Corydon. Sir, the condition of the River Lea is something really earful. From Tottenham downwards the water is a mere open sewer, |emitting the most noxious exhalations. Boating and bathing | ceased, and the River is now only a danger to the Piscator, Say youso? And what aster, the drainage of Tottenham is have hbourhood. be so ? turned bodily ’ ‘ __ | into the stream, and, in spite of Local Boards, the nuisance continues Piscator. Faith, Scholar, I have even been too long an angler with | unaltered. folk here will die, and a pes Piscator. And why right they not this wrong ; for, marry, the poor he og e* 9 tilence be bred, if ye live not more e ° r= Sir, no man knows this better than the Tottenham Authorities themselves, who cause a pay disgusting nuisance to Viator. Oh, oh, Master, what place is this, and what smell cometh; Piscator. to my nostrils Bee, see, Master, here one eparted Piscator. In sen. saan’ itee, this be the Lal neither, hard; by such an more. ither this blackness

| to blame but the chuckle-headed “* Authorities,” my Scholar, the country seemeth strange, and no away, Scholars open eA | Pp

Lisgrat Cry ror THe Comine Execrion.— Umbrellas to Mend!” broadcast among enny wise, and pound foolish—penny wise, and be no chub, but two dead dogs foolish ! Sion dell on have the Great Pls ae and none , come away. The silver Lea is bedraggled. ’Tis no lace for peaceful ghosts, that would be quiet, and go a-fishing. [They vanish. * Not being a ghost, Corydon does not talk in the style of 1670.

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| 84 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 15, 1885, -- PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT. MY LONG PROFESSIONAL SERVICES RECEIVE RECOGNITION. AvVING given the amount of work that pours into my chambers very careful con- , sideration, I re- =, neluson * e con that in spi its satisfactory vastness, I yet had some little leisure to devote to an appoint- ment of a quasi- judicial charac- ter. a ; first eligible post | that attracted my attention was a Deputy Coronership, which | was offered to me on the top of a drag at Epsom during the last race but one on the Derby Day. I had accompanied the party, ' of which the Coroner was one, to the meeting in question in the hope of settling the matter off-hand. As a rule i averse to the race-course, but consented to on this occa- sion for the purpose I have already avowed. The Coroner, who had been a little reserved during the earlier part of the day, became most friendly after lune and me, with tears in his eyes, to accept the appointment. ing that he was suffering under some excitement (he was wearing a false nose and had decorated his hat with small Dutch dolls), I thought it better to say I would send my reply on the following morning, by post, so that he might have a written of my approval. This seemed to please him deeply. Indeed, he wept like a child for five minutes, and then succum to a heavy slumber. However, the matter came to nought, as my emotional friend qualified shortly afterwards for Hanwell. Rather out of spirits at my failure re the Deputy Coronership, I entered one morning, just before the Long, the Court presided over by Mr. Justice DenpLexrns, and to my surprise, found my friend and quondam school-fellow, Hantman, seated on the Bench beside his Lordship. ‘*Conkey,” (so we used to call Hanrmaw at Win- minster) seemed as astonished to see me as I was to recognise him. He hurriedly joined me in the corridor. ‘‘ Hullo,” he cried, shak- ing me violently by the hand, ‘‘ what brings you here?” t4 ph at his recognition, as some of the juniors who had been doing nothing a en r all the morning in the Court, had fol- lowed me out, and having seen HazTman on the Bench were much impressed that I should be on familiar terms with a person of such evident distinction. So I explained that I had come over from another court, having a few minutes of leisure. I trusted that my friend would be taken for some great lawyer conversant with my marked forensic ability—say for, instanee, the Lord Chief Justice of the United States. ** Indeed!” said Conkey. ‘“‘ But what made you put on a wig and gown? Are you a Barrister ?” This question showed such lamentable ignorance on HarTMan’s pest that I thought it well to hurry him away. I was not sorry, ing en garcon (my wife and chi were enjoying a few weeks of ozone at Herne Bay) when he subsequently asked me to dine with him at his Club. During dinner I e: my position, and told him my hopes and fears about obtaining an appointment. “*T say,” he exclaimed suddenly, * eouldn’t old DewpLexuys help Yor replied that I had already made an appli th repli at a! y made an application, with accompany- ing testimonials, to his Lordship, and had been answered with a curt acknowledgment of receipt. Judging by reference totradition I did not expect much, consequently, from Mr. Justice DewpLEKrNs. ** Look here ; you come down to my box on the 12th, and I will see what I can do for you,” impulsively cried my friend, and although 1 that I was an indifferent epertesnan, Be would take mewhat to my trepidati first person that I ——~ = at Hig smapt yh Mr. Justice Dew to devote a portion is vacation to . Thanks to Hantrman’s kindness I w: Lordabip, who was most gracious, stories, until, by one of m ot erlentié rematne ier Se pada commend re y the Profession to which he hi ment, when Mr. Justice demeanour and answered all my further questions in When we had got to the coffee-and-cigars stage of our dinner, Hazt- MAN, seeing that the relations between his Lordship and myself were strained, called upon me to show how I could balance a cork on a wine- glass, with the assistance of two pendent fruit-forks. This I declined to do, thinking that it was rather beneath my dignity, until urged by Mr. Justice DenpLEexrns, who, it appeared, although extremely fond of sleight-of-hand tricks, was but an indifferent amateur con- juror. My feat was loudly applauded, especially by his Lordship, who practised it under my direction for some time, wishing, as said, to become proficient in the art himself. ** Oh, Judge,” cried Hantman, “‘ Sroct (that’s what we used to call Bareriess at Winminster) knows lots of games like that. Draw him out, and make him show you the whole bag o’ tricks.” After this his Lordship was more cordial, and before retiring to rest condescended to say that “he was pleased to have met me, the more especially as the imitation tallow-dip converted out of a section of an apple and a split almond was new to him and very ingenious.” I got up early, very early, the next morning, as I wished (being, as I have already said, an indifferent » ) to have a little private practice with 5 | gun before I joined the more experienced votaries of Diana. As I walked along I noticed that another member of the house-party seemed to have the same p He was appa- the | rently undersized and fat, but as his back was turned towards me, and I am rather short-sighted, I failed to recognise him. Suddenly he came to a wood, raised his gun, and fired. Then he hurried up to the spot where his quarry had fallen, and peered into the amen Seemingly much moved by the sight that met his view, without touching the victim of his skill, he quickly retraced his steps, and seated himself under a tree, evidently suffering from extreme agita- tion. Curious to learn what had so moved him, I approached the bushes. Horrified too at the sight, I gently raised the slaughtered creature in my arms, and approached the guilty one. We ised one another, and he turned pale. I was profoundly shocked. _ “Mr. Justice Dunpiexins,” I said at last, solemnly, “‘it_is “my painful duty to denounce you as a vulpicide!” “*My dear Mr. Brreriess, it was purely accidental, I can assure you,” explained the Judge, in a voice broken with emotion. **T do not require your assurance, my Lord,’ I returned, more in sorrow than in anger, and taking a sort of painful pleasure in sum- ming up, as it were, against his Lordship, continued gravely: “* but both you and I know that by the unwritten but traditional common law of this realm of England, one who shoots a fox is considered more guilty, more to be shunned and hated, than he who shoots a man.” ““Trne, very true,” admitted his Lordship, with a shudder. “Mr. Bureriess, this is a case both you and I, as members of a noble profession, must hush up. The Bench and the Bar have, from time immemorial, been on terms of the utmost cordiality, and you and I must keep up the tradition.” 1 was silent and unmoved. I looked out into the distance sternly. ‘Mr. Brreriess,” continued his Lordship, after a painful pause, “*T have been reading the testimonials you were good enough to forward to me, and——” ** My Lord,” I interrupted, “‘ no appeal from the Bench to the Bar has ever failed to meet with a response. For the honour of the profession this tragedy must be a secret between us.” I have nothing more to say, save that owing to the arduous pro- fessional duties additionally imposed upon me by my recent appointment by Mr. Justice DenpLek«uys to a Deputy-Assistant- Revising-Barristership, I may be unable, for a very considerable time to come (a period that will undoubtedly include the whole of the Long Vacation), to give any attention to literary composition. A. BRIeriess, Junior. A Little Change Wanted. Somxz Somebodies (no matter who, we read it in the Datly Tele- aph’s fashionable news) have left Town for on a visit to y Somebody Else. ‘‘Cadlands!” whataname! Cockneydom is nothing in comparison with it. Is the shubbery at Cadlands called “The Snobbery” ? Why not change it at onee, and, in order to break it gous, groviens to altering it en . call it | **’Arry-on-the-’I1l”? But “* Cadlands”! Lands of Cads! No, no; reform it altogether! CELIBACY OF THE ERMINE.— THE EGYPTIAN LOAN. = The Joint Guarantee—by the Powers! €@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless aneompanied Copies of MS, should be kept by the Benders.

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CHARLES KEENE & R. B. WALLACE, ts Now Ready, Price 1s. [pewter a 8, 9, 20, BOUVERIS fT., BC ROBERT; Taare: meee aaa | “BONSd S33YHL BOG VOLUME EIGHTY - NINE. —~ > AUGUST 22, pe as hy Tiere Ml jin - ee ie ti titty Mion hi » — ) . “tf hy : mD ¢ “ “ali OMY Hl LAC No t ily | ‘ At i Wy , \ Wii ' - i Nip wm “ , «i NH va \ | y }\ Dy i *\ ih PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND 8OLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, the ' 4 of Ge a8 ONTAINING all the Wavertey Novets, and a Each Volumes can be TH = - aS 's Po J , te spas nf | YE HANDY-VOLUME|(- wacres Scores Forrey, making clean tle volumes aqneleg—e f S C O 1 Yi Er men ne canary os oh are) Oa One Shiting . Crimson Oloth, extra gilt . @3 8 0 | Enametied Boards Y Sixpence. | (NOVELS.) COMPLETE. (POEMS) | Tursey Morocen, or Russie’ 9 10 0 ioe; id

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| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avevsr 22, 1885. POPULAR NEW NOVELS. AT ALL THE LIBRARIES, THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF CHRISTOPRER KIRKLAND. By Mra Leas Linros MY WIFE'S NIECE. By the Author of “ Dr. Edith Romney.” 3 vols. MRS. HOLLYER. By Geoncrawa M. Cassa, Author of “ Two Women.” 3 vols. TWO NEW @ NOVELS MRS. KEITH'S CRIME. A RBOORD. New and Cheaper Edition NEAR WEIGHBOURS. By Pesroms Maar Peano New and Cheaper Béition Ricmsan Baenrisry & Sox, New Burlington St. Just Ready, the SEPTEMBER Part of “THE SEASON” LADY’S ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE. A JOURNAL DEVOTED TO FASHIONS EXCLUSIVELY. Price SIXPENCE Monthiy Post Free, 64. Rach monthly Part con tains about 200 Idustra- ML and flat Paper Patterns, ac “THE SEASON,” Mshed in Thirteen Edition with Three Beautifally-Coloured Plates end Extra Supplement containing Novelties and New Needbework, ls. Monthiy ; Post Free, ls. 34. Published at 4, Bedford Street, Covent Garden, W.., London, and to be obtained from all Book- sellers, Newsvendors, &c. seuyD THe SCENES ON THE sTOCK CHANGE. Price 3«,; post free 2s. 44. THE STOCKBROKER’ 8 WIFE, RRACENRIDGER HEMYNG, Middle Tem- pie. Waited by JOMN BHAW, Stockbroker. London: J &@ KR. Maxwets, Shoe Lane, B.C. and GSTAMMERERS STUTTERERS a little book written by Mr. B. meest, ED HIMSELF, after suffering more than Turerrt Yeons. Green Bank , EY Hall Green, near Birmingham. Free for 13 stamps Hc ete ym) A “attention te fact tira: of the nal and Genuine each bottle WORCESTERSHIRE. SAUCE Lea Mhwene * Bold wiSta ae papa by the Proprietors, at @ Biccawsu:, London, and Pans Eapeet Giles CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 82 PRIZE MEDALS. ANNUAL CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS 25,000,000 lbs. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. WHITE ROSE, a most deticate odour. FRANGIPANNI, an eternal perfume. MAGNOLIA, natural as the flower. OPOPONAX) \ pam aaond rare =. gold. \ VIOLET and OR ANGE, for Weddings. \ KiSS-ME QUICK, always sweet. “You Syoup Try THEIR, Myris Grove.” LUNN’S BOLD BY ALL GROCERS. cara te “* GOLLEGE SAUCE. a & ‘= Ricuest axp Poaest Coxpiment NO BALAD 18 PERFECT WITHOUT IT. Manufacturers: THOMAS LUNN & CO., Limited, WORCESTER. SAMUEL BROTHERS respectfully invite applications for PATTERNS of their NEW MATE- RIALS for the Present Season, These are for- warded post free, together with the ILLUSTRATED PRICE LIST, con- taining 250 En- gravings, illustra- ting the most becoming and fashionable styles of Costume for the wear of Gentle men, Youths, Boys, “Eton” Suit. and Ladies. SAMUEL BROTHERS, MEKCHANT TAILOKS, OUTFITTERS, &c., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpon, E.C, Heattuy Hovses, ayy How to Avo Invectiovs Diszases, SUCH AS SMALL-POX AND Sees es A. CONDYS “The best Disinfectant known to Science.” The Times. | A Sixteen-page Pamphlet on these subjects | free with every bottle of Conpy’s Fiurp, which is the only perfect Deodoriser, the Best and Cheapest Disinfectant. Cowpr's Fivip is not Poisonous, and has no Smell. Univensatty Parscaiazsd st tus Facutrr. TAMAR INDIEN CRILLON. A laxative and refreshing Fruit Lozenge for CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Headache, Loss of Appetite, Cerebra! Congestion Prepared by E. GRILLON, @, QUEEN STREET, CITY, LONDON | Clremistsand Druggists. 2s. 6d. a box, stampinciuded Tamar, unlike ag and the usual purgatives, is agreeable to take, and never produces irritation bor interferes with business or pleasure. Sold by all generally. Retail dy Desens w rauces throughout the Wurtd. FITMENTS. SITTING ROOMS TASTEFULLY AND INGENIOUSLY FITTED, So as to secure the maximum of convenience and comfort which any given space is capable of affording. 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» BY | $Oy REET, ¥, CATION. E HOTE PCONOMICA, THE Kiy 177 Tz ’S )W -GKOUM at _ See raeer rs? z Avoust 22, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL oN YD Crp J | a —— eae x Z ; / Zip; CH), Y y Hi) | 4 > Uy, te yyy) ¢;/) Yd iff) /f , YY //7 AY 4 YW, / Uy / WANTED. PART OF THE MACHINE IN THE PictuRE!’ AND WE DON’T GIVE ONE WITH THE MACHINE!’ Customer. ‘‘ LAMP NOT INCLUDED IN THE Prick? Way, THE LAMP FORMS Bicycle-Maker, ‘‘ Yus, 81n; BUT A LADY 18 ALSO INCLUDED IN THE PicTURE, BEER! (After Calverley, by Churchill.) ‘Wx defeated the late Government in an attempt to place a heavy tax on Beer; and I hold that great national drink, wh sustains the powers, and reinvigorates, in times of | exhaustion, our labouring population, is quite as much the food | of the people as the bread which the Radicals accuse the Tory | Party of wishing to tax.'""—Lord Ranvotru CuvRcniLy at Wimborne. So, to proceed! To tax the people’s Malt Has always struck me as extremely curious. a ne mn mar pee og y= fault, ’s passion for is but spurious. Love you, yet tax your liquor! An assault Upon your pleasures that must make you furious | Increase the e of Beer? The mere suggestion Brings Bri Liberty at once in question. Believe me, they are scoundrels in a body, Who’d lay so vile an impost your backs on ; They do not touch the wine of Lord om Noppy, But your “* Four-half’’ would lay a heavy tax on. Not Claret, or Champagne, or Whisky-toddy, No, but the favourite swizzle of the Saxon, That blessed boon that all your woes can scatter, And make you happier, wiser, stronger, fatter! Does not the lone and labouring soul find Heaven, It’s only Heaven, in a pewter pot ? And shall that paradise from you be riven ? No by great King Gamprrnvs it shall not, Our legislative ppenimotawe are given To i * u ILFRID Lawente weshy rot ; Fanaticism their cold breasts has cankered, Thralls of the Tank who’d rob you of the Tankard. Beer is the People’s Food; (That’s mt, very.) Awake ye, Rustics; Londoners, pes we aad They 6 maha the Come Eee, the Turkish berry our only drink ; because you cannot take, Like the rich Radicals, to Port or Sherry. Arise! Jox’s bitter from you shake. Take the true Tory—that is Me !—for Tutor And find your true Palladium—the Pewter Borary ror Beorywens.—A (1) Member of the Umbel- liferous Order: Mr. GLapsTons, DEPRESSION. THERE was a little Earl, and he had a little And some paper bullets looking much like ead—lead—lead, And he said, “‘ I know a rig that shall dish each little Whig, And strike each noisy Rad upon the head—head—head.” And this funny little Earl had a funny little bag Which he labelled “‘ Commission upon Trade—Trade—Trade ; ” And he said, ** I'll away, and the people all will say, Why what a wond’rous Bag he has made—made—made! ” And eet d and popped and popped; but the birds in cover stop That is, except the young ones, who went cheep—cheep—cheep ! But the old petal +» seemed strange—kept most slily out of range, And at the puzzled sportsman took a peep—peep—peep ! Then that funny little Earl, he tried every little dodge He sprinkled chaff, he took a pinch of salt—salt— salt, Yet the sly old birds—how queer !—were not tempted to come near, But at respectful distance made a halt—halt—halt. Then that funny little Earl was exceedingly depressed ; But they who saw the s did laungh—laugh—laugh ; For the little Earl forgot paper pellets are not shot, And old birds cannot be caught with salt or chaff—chaff—chaff. NUGEE AND OLD HOBBY. , , Last Saturday the Rey. Mr. Nuezx crowned a Rosicre at Walworth. Anny heard of it, and was disgusted. “‘ What’s rosey ’air?” he asked. ‘Why not call her ‘carrots’ at once?” By the way, has Mr. Nvexe ever been interviewed? If anyone ought to be trotted out, it is a New Gee. * ANDTIS OLD DOUBLE DEAD?” CERTAINLY, as any door-nail. Mr, Josgra Harrow has killed him in John Needham’s Double, which we highly recommend. The “Shilling Dreadful” has beaten the old-fashioned three-volume novel out of the field of sensational literature. There is no room for tall writing, or mere padding, when a real good has to be told in two hundred s pages of print enough to defy twilight and railway-carriage lam This, to a r who can read in a train is a very great thing, specially if the novel itself is one calculated to keep him awake for a couple of hours on the stretch. John Needham’s Double achieves the fea‘ It ins with a slow movement, gradually it increases in intensity and the reader cannot turn over the pages quick enough to satisfy his curiosity. Whether there was | necessity for the author to bring in Jouw SapiErn’s story, and to found his novel upon it, is what we are un- able to decide, though the plan y gives such an air of reality to the romance, that you feel you are reading the true solution of the mystery of Jounw Sapiere’s supposed suicide told under fictitious names. The title, John Needham’s Double, does not sound sensa- tional, being suggestive of a story about Whist, with which, how- ever, it has nothing on earth to do.. The climax, given with true dramatic energy, brings down the curtain on a very strong situation. With a very little working up, for there is a “ love interest” ready to hand, it ought to be turned into a strong sensation drama, which, should the acting and dialogue be equal to the construction, t keep a theatre going for a year. We compliment Mr. Joseruus J ay Double, hope he ’ll make it a treble and the rub, and so we take our hat off to Mr. Hatton. From a TueatricaL Mayaozn’s Port or View.— ‘ Necessity the Mother of Invention’? My dear Sir, it’s nothing of the sort. soe is the Mother of Necessity—at any rate, as far as we are concerned.” vOL, LXXXIXx.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —— [Aveusr 22, 1886. ——__..., iii IM LM i 7° f wT BB ‘mig tes “1 DON’T CARE A RAP!” Sung by the Funny Little Rawpoirn, the Star Comique, at the Grand Féte, Canford Manor, Wimborne. On ain't lachap? Why, I don't care a rap For consistency, justice, or sense ; I go in for bunkum, and bounce, and clap-trap ; The effect of it's truly immense ! When out on the stump I belabour and thump, And seatter unlimited dirt. Cold reason may suit your pragmatical pump, But give me the de The critics may chide, Rebel at my rantipole I don’t care a rap for su e squirt ! my Party play ; people ; But what will the Governor say ? Lord Satispvury doubtless my game has an eye on, I put the old bloke in a fidget ; ‘ But now I’m the Monster Comique, the great Lion, Who late was a nondescript Midget. They can’t put me down since I’ve taken the Town, | _ My performance is now all the rage. | The fogies may fret and the big-wigs may frown, But I’m the Great Star of the Stage. The papers may slate, and my rivals Pitch into my style day by or : I don’t care a rap for such people ; But what will the Governor say ? It’s rare fun, by Jingo! | give ’em hot tings, | That’s just what the public | enjoy ; They don’t want your high- polite rational lingo, And Sweetness and Light’}] soon cloy. Not lo ical ; but smart \ ’ They Eke, and almost under- stand ; That ’s why with the Mob I'm the first of First Fiddles, And lead the Conservative Band! : True patriots may sigh, and sage ers Make moan at my mounte- bank play ; I don’t care a rap for such people ; But what will the Go- vernor say ? It’s nice, if it’s naughty! I’m regular rorty, And if the Mob should feel a oan H ey say, “‘ He’s so young!” —though I’m handy on forty— And scruples are put to the rout. And so I ean slang, tumble, trick, sing slap-bang, And play up high larks with the truth ; A cove may bid facts and good manners go hang If he only has smartness and youth. Grave Statesmen may mourn at my cantrips, Plain cits in hot shame turn away, I don't care a rap for such ple ; ut what will the Go- vernor say ? Yah! Booh! I can juggle, grimace, and sling muck ; And what if the critics should chide ? Rain runs not so fast off the back of a duck As honest reproach from my hide. A fig for the Papers! I'll still eut my capers, And slangy young Scorchers like Me Of Britain’s fair future are bound to be shapers, A prospect to fill you with glee! . Houp-la! Here be “‘ nuts” for Aunt “ Sally”! Old Tories distrust my new way; I don’t care a rap for such ple ; ut—what will the Go- vernor say ? aT: MINISTERIAL MATHEMATICS. Ir is whispered that, in order if possible to coneiliate the Parnellite Ring, one of the principal difficulties of which Government _to attempt the solation during the Recess, will be the pro- blem:—How to square the Irish Circle. feacecnm See Iebaet bi Eee ot @ bt EO © ee Pe & ob & 6 ee 4 MO eS oO. oem mee ee OA eee

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Avovust 22, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ROBERT ON THE RIVER. Havine found dear old Streetley such a reglar pairodice of a place last year, | natrally sort its cool seekwestwed stream for annother weak's rapshur this here year. Not as 1 ar oe oes s speck. Noing how ginerally is, vites down to a old frend of mine at the *“ Ball,” to no if there was room for us, his anser was, ‘‘ No, Ropert, not for no- boddy, for wen a littel Baby was born last week, Docter said as he didn’t no where they coud put it, the place was so full, and as bad luck wood have it, it was Twins! ” Howsumever, I mussent a for, as Brown — say®, a man shood see as much of the world as posserbel, it inlarges his high dears and rubs off his little prejew- dishes, so faling dear old Streetley we’ve ot to gentlemanly Marlow—Great Mar- be, please, not little Marlow—and a Hed Waiter as ain’t pleased with Marlow must be as ard to please as we find many a gent is as gets a grand dinner without peving nothink for it, and yet grumbels and growls at everythink. Marlow seems to have got everythink as any reesonabel olliday maker can want to make him appy. It’s gota Bridge, anda Church, and a Tea gardens, and a Abby, and a Shop where you can buy a Bottel of Wine for 1s. 3d.— witch altho it doesn’t suit me may posserbly suit others, there’s no telling wot sum peeple won’t drink if you give it a forren name and say as the Queen offen haves it—and a Lock, where the Tems Conservatifs only charges you 3d. for a return ticket, that’s cheap enuff I sposes, and a Wear, that ain’t of much use now, coz it’s Dangerous, but I dessay it was wunce—and ewen wears must wear out sum day or they woodn’t be called such names— and glorious Woods right up to the werry tops of the moun where, one of the jolly yang watermen told me, as they grows most of the timber for the British Navey, witch I can esily beleeve as I seed many trees amost as big round as I ham. He says it’s coz they grows so preshus slow as makes the Second Lord of the Hadmiralty so long a bilding the Ion Clads, and the reason why they don’t grow quicker is coz the soil is all Mari oh! but I don’t somhow phans as my young frend is strickly trewthful. Boatmen is like Marines, they is much more partickler in wot’s told to them in wot they tells'to hothers. Then we has lots of ety Swons, as gracefull as dubble skull yung ladys, but I ain’t yet seen none of them with 2 necks, so y keeps lower down at Bolter’s k, witch wood seem to be the nat’ral place for ’em. My yung frend told me as there is a mith I think he called it, tho’I think I shood call it even a shorter name, that formerly wen the monks at Bisham, close by, ki some swans, they sent a cupple of ’em to a of the Manner about 4 miles off, to Cook’em! but of coarse he didn’t know as he was a torking to a Hed Waiter; much & Lord wood know about cooking Swans ! He also had the imperance to say that, if I wanted a change nex year, he thort that Bray, or Monkey Iland, wood jest about suit me. No more of my munney does that jewwenile waterman git out of me, so he ’ll tind his charf rayther a xpensif article. We've got butiful rooms in the Hi Street, but we ain’t got no number to our womse Time age’ Titer banue ch Won 5 om t ago. ey o. 5 on — sides of the way and went on to No. 18, soon. hole place bai AMUN if “tot il to MI REBATEMENT. Old Lady (a little hard of hearing). “Etoureen Sartiues! It’s monsrrove! I know THE VALUE OF THESE ARTICLES, AND NEVER PAID MORE THAN SevENTEEN——” Shopman (shouting). **I sarp E1out Sarines, Ma’am—nor E1outzen.” Old Lady. ‘‘Ou—Etont Sariuincs—vor Taxsz! I COULDN'T THINK OF GIVING MORE | THAN Seven-anv-Sixrence !” they turns their kitchings into dining-rooms, and our one bed-room up stares and thea down stares, and has a jolly little winder in the slopin roof thats quite emusing, but theyre a goin to build 6 more nex year, in the back garding. We has one blessing at eny rate, we ain’t got not no Wapses, such as so teazed our werry lives out at Streetley larst a and yet I ain’t quite appy, for their plaice is taken by swarms of flys. Not the poor armless flys as we gits in Lundon, as is sattisfied with having a swim in the milk, and then committin suecide in the butter or the treecal. © no, but a nasty buzzing stingin tly as is allus a flying in your face and stickin on it and biting like a muskeeter as I’ve herd on in warious = wunders what use they is. Brow says as theyre ment to try your temper. If so, I’msure they ’ve tried mine enuff and can send in their report at wunce and dun with it. We’re werry lucky again as regards music, We has no less than four pianys in the ouse, and wen 2 or 3 on em is a goin at wunce it’s really werry emusin to try and make out the Toon. Wun thing surprises me a good deal. Idid think from what I had herd that this wasn’t a —e

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CAUTION. Hansom Cab Driver (to Fare, who has admired the Horse). ‘‘ Yus, Stn,’z 1s A Beavry! You sez my Wrirr’s Broruer ts CoaAcHMAN To Lonp Srerasmporp, My Lorp’s ovr 0’ Town, So I pays A sMALL CoNSIDERATION, AN’ TAKES HIS STABLE IN TURN !” [ Lord Splashbord was the Fare !!

werry strict place as regards Sunday. But how much I were de- ceived. Why they’re so werry partickler that nobody aint allowed to go and sit in a garden by e side of the River on that day, as they are on every other, becoz it’s Sunday. To be © to another wun across the way, but rink sumthink for the of the ouse, and werry good their hold Ale is too. The pore en and the pore Towing Men don’t find it mutch of a day of rest. I met wun of the latter a coming ome last Sunday, jolly hot and tired, but as merry as a gras- sopper. He told me he had had the best day’s work he e A sporting gent en him to tow him up the river, a matte miles, for eight shillings, and jest wen he was about a mile from the lace he was a goin to, he asked him if he thort he cond race a row- t that was aside of them, and he said yes he thort he coud, and he said if you beat him I'll give you ¢ saree and he beat him by 6 lengths and he gave him 30/- witch he was a going to take ome to his wife and fammerly after having evidently drunk the sporting Gent’s helth more than wunce. Wot a Sunday Tail! How butiful it armonizes with the shut up garden. But we is a rum set of peeple in some r . We stranes at lots of Nats—witch I don’t at all wunder at, as they carnt be werry nice things to swaller—and we swallers things as is as near a approach to Cammels as pore humane natur will allow of. Ropeat. sure you can you’re ex to

SwakepeaRiaN.—Motto for the Badminton Series on Sport.— ae it we a bed be oe 3S oat ci a a

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AveusT 22, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 89 BRADSHAW’S FUN. ’Tis many years since, in the Handy-volume Series, was published ee its sppennents in M. ty ato Ss oS to ee shaw with its specimen pages. Bradshaw's Gui grown r and of course older, but otherwise he is unchanged, and for real wit, humour, and genuine practical joking, it still remains without, as far as we can ascertain, a rival worthy of consideration. Un- changed, yes, in character, but there is in the Time-tables such a development of fun, that shows how our Guide, Philosopher, and Friend takes life, how he enjoys it, and how anxious he is that others should enjoy it too. All that was true when our Guide to Bradshaw first appeared is equally true now, ony pee that in some instances the humour is subtle, and its effect more imme- diately apparent. The notion of Bradshaw's Guide advertising himself on his own cover as ‘Officially every month,” and announcing that his Time-tables are from the official Time-tables of all the Railways throughout the | and breadth of Great Britain, is ially humorous when taken in conjunction with the fact that all the Railways in Great Britain do not acknowledge Bradshaw's Guide as in any way their Official tative. The Directors, may, if like, bind Bradshaw's Guide and keep the volumes ya elves, but they themselves refuse to be bound by radshaw. Bradshaw,—no matter who the may be,—there must the whole affair,— Bradshaw, to himself when he announced on the outside of the (uide, in sm capitals, that these Official Tables were “‘ sPEcIALLY ARRANGED” for mie be ” trains they indeed if ficial, and * Speci i i are, if unofficial, an unresnenised iriaiicay Authority in spite of what Bradshaw ma say. What is to prevent Bradshaw and his staff of Compilers—a ing any Time- arranging the trains on a Go-as-you-please them all together for the mere fun divilment, bedad ! ” ? lines, pick Ts you like :— always be an ideal Bradshaw who is the moving spirit, the Puck, of practical jokers, representing Joe Miller and his Men—from just they like, trusting to their imagination for the facts —and what is to stop them from not only specially, but — i sort of plan, names of places, routes, and time being no object, but simply putting of the thing, and out of pure being specially arranged, nothing guaranteed, and SCARBOROUGH, HEREFORD, EXETER, RICHMOND, BEAUMARIS, DOVER, NORWICH, CAMBRIDGE, EDINBURGH, DAWLISH, &c. a a ; aft. | aft. | morn. morn. |Strict| aft. | 125 London, Euston | 8 50 10 6 7 3 Fast. i 160 Bamborough .. . lL 0 635 1149 8 16 | 250 Victoria, L.C.&D.(dep.)| 7 5 | ge | Bee: | A gy Bee 170 , | ‘* B Ee and 171 | Clapham Junction 6 0 ., S| oo | of & = | Rei © s Ash Green ) | ™™ RSS| morn. Pa] | B © Ash White fj) °° wos) By g| 5 Brompton 3 Te 3) + ¢ Waterloo ../ 11 Oren Pass | 58 hoi ad Brighton 360/RE 765 | 915 \12 10 ga é | aft. | morn. | morn. | nft. | & | 270 Edinburgh ..| 6 33| .. . | «+ | 12 50) 6 16 oa = S| 404 Newcastle...) 7:17 SET 360| ¥ at 7 10 6 | eee? & Southampton | 6 2 zfs 2 49 F ls °% 8 46 resi fC ig [Bosie .. |P%%) 516) it #3 5. | Pogie’.” | +e Bentley be 1 22 i 2 73 | | Sg Chapman & Hall .. \Stop !! Est P| as | rr Every =F 3 23 [Bradbury & Agnew ..| 7 0) § @ other # 10 e a : cea y- | | Btop. | Sa —— & Elder ‘Month 4 4 — | | Peres. _ | | Fe 0'S | 10 Olsheepbr Ie | eepbridge .. .. ve] 10 36, ry .—~ La ge ’ Y on wanted, pu 3 6 6 3 Half-Past-Tenby.. ..|/10by5'¢ q| right-hand ‘bell. 50 7 0 5 Birmingham .. | 10 0 ii Evening Dress in- | 08}! 3 91York (See p. 60)| 813, q| “ispensable, — No | 10 0 | 100 6|Beverley., Stp. at g | ‘ |Drury) &! 106 | 26 Harris ., | Lane. | The above will serve as sngqestion for the next issue of Brad- pen, Jatt to keep the fun going in the Tourist Season. Vive la Joie / Vive Bradshaw! Hooray for Hanwell! yo ug = | | if} . lew, ai HOLIDAY TIME, Once more we give an ideal Joe Miller Bradshaw Time-Table, in which trains are specially arranged to run on the above-mentioned TriuMegAL TraM-CaR, DRAWN BY OVER-WORKED SLAVES.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Avausr 22, 1885, Affable Stranger, “ AND ARE YOU THE ONLY Oxzt” ALTRUISM. Small Boy. *‘Oa, no! Tarre’s Para AnD Mamma, you Kyow!” et - - —~ brew WAITING A WAR-CRY; OR, WHAT WILL HE SAY NEXT? The Eagle’s war-shriek and the All come alike and easy to his throttle, To whom the Mocking Bird and Whistling Crow Are as an Oxford don to ARIsToTLe. What will he say? The bird-world waits to know. All Nephelo- gia’s in a flurry, There is a whirr of worrying wings, As when a grouse-brood, scuttling hurry-scurry, Seuds through the rustling heather, or upsprings The plamy pnessent ee Se peeig Sa, Cackle clapperclaw go on all rou er will echo soak oo Ghalin intr daaben, Until the Bird-King’s fugle-fiutings sound. E is silent! Kites and Crows are scuffling, Jackdaw chatters, and the Raven croaks ; Pigeons and Doves their plumes are rufiling, And interchanging ineffective strokes. Wanton Woodcock and the Daring Duckling Wage 7 om But Epops silent sits. What is he doing? O’er the conflict chuckling, Or, like the Laureate’s owl, “‘ warming his wits?” Of what, they wonder, is the Old Bird thinking, Sitting in solemn si on his perch. Means he to lead them on and fight “ like winking,” Or cut the fray and leave them in the lurch ? They vente Oy! He who has raised so many, ill he shout forth one with vi fraught ? They ’d gi ch more than i q That Hiumed host, to read the Old Bird's thought. The Jackdaw prates. Who cares for Tharrelides ? The Raven croaks—unto the 7imes—who notes ? The quid nunc Magpies scandalise—quid rides f In ominous awe-awaking hissing ; All Cuckoo-Cloudland is astir with fuss ; But from the chorus one clear note is missing. Why sits the Oracle in silence thus ? Is he excogitating something novel ? A war-cry that shall rally, rouse, affright, At which the opposing hosts shall pale and grovel, When Cuckoo-Land goes rushing to the fight ? Whilst he is dumb the world of beaks and feathers With veering winds and voices vain is vext : His Cry has led it in all ways and weathers. Now they need rallying. What will he say next ? Raisinable Warning. not microbaceous. that newspapers shall not be hawked about by shouting the t in which they reside on Sun the Sabbath in those parts will be “‘ Seotcher” than ever. are warned, therefore, that if they expect to the daily news in Manchester between Sat will be trusting to a broken read. Casaz anv Commence.— Why do Free-Traders refuse Trade Commission ? be suspected. Mother Gamp’s goose-flock strain their outstretched throats “ Aw Otp Faurt-Imporrer” writes to the Times with t to Valencia Raisins. He says :—“‘ 1 know of nothing more likely than sun-dried raisins to have the microbes of cholera superinduced upon them, and thus import this dire disease.” The fruit of Valencia will probably, after this revelation, have no raisin d’étre at the British Grocer’s. But how about the Spanish Onion? How about ish Liquorice? It would be satisfactory to know what is and what is A Carre Sxame.—The Manchester City Council have decided vendors in y- So for the future Travellers themselves up in y and Monday, they to join the Free Trade, like Czsar’s wife, must not even it

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_—_—— Avoust 22, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

SEA-SIDE STUDIES.

A Sail over the Bay.

A MANIFEST CORRECTION. Srr,—In last week’s Number I saw your clever Artist’s | satirical, political, adaptation of Mr. ine Cox’s well | known picture, The ‘ug of War, and it struck me, as it | must have struck you, as an old Oppidan, that just now | the true reading, from an Etonian point of view, would be

if “ The ‘Tug’ of Warre,”’ which will be intelligible to e who has been brought up in the cool cloisters of ‘‘ Henry’s holy shade.” Yours, with my classic motto, Dum Crampo Cramno!

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY M.P. House of Lords, Monday Night, August 10th.—Mu1- TOWN coming rapidly to the front. Denman growing jealous ; threatens to be urged on to fresh endeavours to keep himself in view. Haven’t forgotten how the other day MitLtoww drove GRANVILLE nearly mad by assumin charge of Medical Relief Bill. Now discovers fresh Iris grievance, In State papers it s this realm is alluded to as Great Britain. 8) be ‘‘ United King- dom of Great Britain and Ireland.” This, it seems, is secret sorrow that consumes Ireland and keeps it in con- cant revolt, _ Bad harvests a mere trifle ; coercion a flea- ane grand jury laws a joy; and the day’s absence from uty without leave of a rural , to which Josrrx Grits called attention the day, is not worth men- The root of Ireland’s grief is this ignoring of Markiss much moved at the discovery. Glad to do anything to Would the Education Department su him with substantives suitable for the expression of his nob "3 ideas? Or ee ane the Covermmeess Ss Dis et caaeeee <— matical acquiremen ILLTOWN, much pleased at thi — oma be would think ap. ‘ ter this seems waste of time for Commons to go on with Land Purchase Bill, originally designed for amelioration of condition of Ireland. If Mr- sows's Sageeees be carried out, this and much else superfluous. Nevertheless Irish Purchase Bill ed with—in truth sat up all with. Tix Heavy back after too long absence. Quitea changed man. y affecting i his deference to Braca, his of Hart-Dyxg, and his politeness towards his “ Hon. and learned friend ” the Attorney-General for General for Ireland hearing Trm’s honeyed addressed to Hant-Dyxe lays his forefinger on side of his nose and ejaculates ‘‘ Walker!” TreveLyan looks on grimly, and CamPsEeLt-BaNNERMAN prophesies that the truce won't last into next Session. In the meantime it’s be ee a by com with what used to be. Business done.—Housing of Working Classes Bill read Seound Time. Irish Land Purchase Bill in Committee. _ Tuesday.—House gradually reaching stage at which final disappearance imminent. Not enough Members to form quorum when Speaker arrived to take Chair. Must be forty Members present, or British Constitution go to the dogs. SPeAKER cast eagle eye around empty benches. ‘‘ One—two—three——” he began to count, and got on admirably up to sixteen. Then, with a sweep of his cocked-hat in the direction of Strangers’ Gallery, beginning to fill, he 5 mr himself on the breast, and, in a voice that detied contradiction, said, “ forty ! ” Wanton jumped up, but remembering who was responsible for conduct of business, sharply sat down again, took a pinch of snuff, and occupied himself with the Orders. Pew Hxaty took short measures with Josepu GiLLIs. Before my og could quite grasp the situation, Tim had him by the elbow, and led him orth. ‘“* Bat—but—” Jory B. stuttered, ‘‘ there ain’t forty there!” ** No,” said Tru, severely. ‘* But there soon will be.” ‘* That ’s all very well,” said Joszpu, whose keen mental eye had pierced” the solecism ; “‘ and so are your hobnobbings with RanpoLru, your mee behind the Chair, and your confabulations on the Terrace. But if it means that I am to miss an opportunity of poe gy hee the House at Four o’Clock, it won’t do, Tr Heaty. Never had such a ce before ; all these I’ve waited for it. Faney how riled the Government would be losing a day just now, upsetting every body’s , and putting off Prorogation. Might be standing now in corner of Palace Wed tratehing pd ot hurry ay Fe their faces when the find the House is up. Treaties and that sort of thing all very well; but 1’ have my rights!” ; Never saw Jory B. s0 . Business, once started, went on steadily enough. A lot of Members who came down yesterday with speeches on Second Reeding of Housing of Working Classes Bill, and then bowled out, now produced their manuscript, and had good time of it. Didn’t much matter ; nobody listened. They might as well talk on this subject as any other to fill up time. Once, tow r on o’Clock, BouRKE — in, <g % moe + the Bar, looked round, nic! mposing w re is ket-handkerchief hanging rously tar out of his breast-pocket, and his ir wonderfully and fearf built up. : ** Burke and Hare,” Epwarp CrarKke whispered to Coartes Russet, his professional mind running on criminal cases. Business done.—Nearly all. Wednesday.—In both Houses Votes of Thanks moved to the Soldiers and Sailors who fought in the Soudan. Attendance necessarily small ; but proceed- ings most hearty. : **The campaign,” said Hartrveton, ‘‘ has proved that the ancient courage of our soldiers and sailors has in no degree deteriorated. I‘ has proved that the in- telligence, the resources, and the knowledge of their profession, alike of officers and men, have considerably increased. It has proved, also, how wide and varied are the military resources of the British Crown, and that for the purposes of war, as well as for the purposes of peace, the British Empire is not only a name, but a reality.” So say all of us, with one cheer more, ee i oy ers regret for those whose ears are stopped to praise or blame, and who lie, some in nameless graves, in the wastes of the sad Soudan. yg ee ‘ tied = a — in eo ee as BrYce. wy him = quiet corner of library this afternoon, with eyes red, weeping i b v4 com come,” I said. *‘ Cheer up. Can’t have you chortling in the library of the House of Commons. If you want to weep, you must hire a room some- where, paying rent in advance. Besides, what’s the matter with you’ You 're not crying, I suppose, because this Parliament is coming toan end? Whatis it?’ “ he Lafant Bill,” he sobbed. : ; — Infant a ? R / ‘s S motte 7 him fon de. ? Fn go croup, or chicken-pox £; ev , oF whooping-eoughing t I symnctias wie you jos a young father, but really, om know, you mustn’t your pri griefs . Come House now, hear Sexron. This is bis last chance, and he’s the most of it, Three speeches already, and evidently good for another half Turned out there was a mistake somewhere. The Bryce in extremis, but the measure with w! last up till Four o’Clock in the ing. It seems :

her name in State papers. uncle with legislative fledgling. Last night, Brrcx

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| 94 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Avavsr 22, 1886, |

House when the Bill was called on, Onstow took an ity of |I knew that broad visage in the middle, with three-cornered hat smothering the babe ; got further progress deferred till day of proro- | cocked ag opens / over the right ear. Just going up to him, | ation, which is equivalent to throwing it out. Hence these tears of meaning to give him a whack on the shoulder, and call “‘ Hulloa, | nyce. Ossiow judiciously keeps out of sight. | Jonwnre!” in his ear, when he moved jhis head. Good gracious! | Business done.—Final preparation for i | It wasn’t Toor at arliament pro- (all, but Grrrarp, rogued to-day. Notalively or Lord Chancellor. imposing business. Very few) Well, he ’s just like Members and feeling of \what JounniE depression. Hicks-Bracu on| would be under Treasury Bench, heartily glad | samecircumstances.

it’s all over, su’ by Ray- | DOLPH who presently has to an- one ie Indi _~ a i a little wigging for Gouger. “* What is it to him whether the Zulfikar business is finished or not?” Rawspotpn growls viciously, pulling his moustache as if it were a lock of Govr- Ley’s hair. ‘*‘ Haven’t there been questions enough without aman coming down just as we were qingneme, and wanting to raise the Russian Question ?” Gouger begins to wish he hadn't come down. But in for it now, and taking a step nearer the door, and gazing nervously towards the table to see if it was in its place between him and Kawpo.rn, asks whether “‘ the trivial difficulty about Zulfikar is — iw = himself up the House, an .. inviting Members to go an hear Commission read, bows “=. out 7 4)! Pl | out the Speech all had Py ~ ly heard and then—‘“‘ good bye!” Members form a queue, and, filing before the SpeaKek, shake hands and pass away, some of them never to return. **But you’ll come back with the snowdrops, Tony, old man,” said Ranpo.ra, reesing my paw. ‘* Barks foowe when it has a good Member, and is not inclined to change. You’ll find Gtapsronye and me here, too. He came to me before he set out Norwayging, and grasping my hand, said, ** I don’t say good bye, my Lord, but au revoir.’ Business done.—All. A CoLLARABLE IMITATION. “RS: (ie

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sal PFE | - PUNCH, OR Acoust 22, 1885.] THE LONDON CHARIVARL = LOG OF THE “SUNBEAM.” Here I am at Greenhithe. Feel like “‘ hardy Norse- man” whose “* house “ yore was on the foamin yall yDREW CLARK says | am “‘an ’oarse man, without m woe.” He means it well, as a joke, I think. Small crowd assembled to see me off. Humorous local Radical wishes me “sure profit and quick return” from voyage. Want to make short speech—ANDREW CLARK (why is he here ?) tells crowd that I’ve “entirely lost the use of my voice.” ANDREW takes me by arm, and hustles me into boat. ™'On " Sunbeam.” —Nice, but small. Wonder if I shall feel more sea-sick than on Pembroke Castle. ANDREW Crakk says, ‘‘ Very likely,” and reminds me of what an “ excessively bad sailor” i am. Wish he wouldn’t say so in presence of crew. Mouth of Thames.—BrassEy says it’s ‘‘ blowing half a gale outside.” Then don’t let’s go outside. Brassey says he won’t. Anchors off Nore for night. If vessel tosses like this when there ’s only half a gale and we ’re in Thames, singsnaly hope I shall be preserved from a whole in No Cabin. — Luxuriousl inted Cabin. Thoughtful of Lady Brassey to put i copy of Voyage of “ Sunbeam” on my table. In cing over it, see the yacht has been to Honolulu. y not go to Honolulu now? And escape General Election ! Speak to Steersman about it. How the ship does roll! Steersman never heard of Honolulu. ANDREW CLARK says I mustn’t speak to the man at the wheel, and takes me away. Axprew orders me below—says too much sea-air bad for my voice. They’ve put him (why on earth did Brassey invite him ?) in cabin next door to mine. Heard me last night denouncing SaLispury in my sleep, and came in and woke me up, and told me I should * lose my voice altogether if I went on in that way, and where would Liberal Party be then?” Argument cogent, but unpleasant. In North Sea.—Wish I were on dry land. How it does pitch! ° Oh, for an hour of Downing Street now! And to think of the “‘ Stopgaps”’ enjoying themselves in my vacant place | Ciark says “‘ must not pursue these thoughts.” Must try and ‘“‘ forget politics.” Well, then, why not go to Honolulu? Brassey says ‘‘ he doesn’t mind.” ANDREW very unpleasant—says “he’s ised at my indecision and vacillation””—(reminds me of the Soudan debates) — and “didn’t I know when I started that we were bound for coast of Norway ?” Try to soften AnprEw. Take him aside, and ask him, as a personal favour, when we get to Norway, to put me ashore on banks of some desolate Fiord, where I can wander away, and be never heard of more. ANDREW says I mustn’t talk any more, even to him, and shuts me up in my cabin. Hate being shut up by anyone. Very seldom h Second Day Out.—Wish Brassey wouldn’t always be trying to explain all about “‘ that little slip of the half- million,” as he calls it. Tells me it was NoxTHBROooK’s fault, really, and “it shan’t occur again.” Says, almost weeping, that he’s bought a Colenso’s Arithmetic, and hopes to be able to add up Admiralty accounts quite nicely by time our voyage ends. Evening.— hurricane. Wonder if Brassry knows how to make a raft? Might do me good to go and ask him, I will. Find Brassey sitting on companion hatchway (not uite sure of term, but sounds nautical), adding up some rea a feet. ry ed eg havi a good cry.” 0 cheer him w telling him a ” is just what is wanted for Werlenber Elections. foes glad to tee me, and says ‘* he doesn’t think he has quite explained the real way in which that little slip of the half-million ed.” Retire hastily to cabin, and lock myself in. n Port, Somewhere in Denmark.—Thank heaven, that’s over! Denmark, Forgot to bring a Hamlet with e Hope I shall have a lot of hamlets with me when pret back my voice, Feel more comfortable. Perhaps RASSEY was right in inviting ANDREW CLARK. Woulda’t have done it myself. to Brassey to call on Ponti Denmark, and coach him up on facts of Fenjdeh Arbitration Brassey suggests doing it coming back. Says, as it’s quite calm ee ys, quite A CANDID INQUIRER. ‘I say, JOHN, 18 THERE ANYTHING I HAVEN'T TasTED!” “No, Sin, | Taink Not—zxcertT Wats!” haps I would like to hear “‘ exact state of the case about that little slip of the half-million ? ” Make polite excuse, and hurry off to Awprew. Propose to him that we should pop up Baltic and meet Czar in Fi somewhere. ANDREW very cold about it. Says ‘‘ Czar won't care two straws about seeing us as, we haven't got Tennyson on board,” and gives me some new medicine to take. Nastier than ever! Yes,—why on earth did Brassey ask Crarx here ? Speak to Brassey privately. Ask him to put Anprew in irons for a short time. Brassey doesn’t like to. What’s the good of being a Sea-Lord, if you ’re afraid of a Doctor? AwprEw says, “‘ Rather be a Se-mon—an able Semon—than a Sea-Lord.” Must say Semon did my throat lot of good. ANDREW recommended him. Nice of Anpxew. Brassey, recurring to my remark shout Sea-Lord, says “‘ he’s nota Sea-Lord now,” and adds * he’s really afraid I haven’t yet quite grasped the principle upon which that little sli coos to masthead. Spend first happy time on over perusal of pocket edition of Gleanings. Near Norway.—Much better. Take opportunity (when Awprew CLaRx gone on shore) to sound Ship’s-Cook on how he intends v in November. Says he *“* hain’t made up his mind yet.” What will decide Iask? He replies ‘* It’s according as his Ski tells him to wote,” and s. Give him of Corrupt Practices Act, make short address to Sailors generally on duty of voting for Liberals. Steersman comes down to listen, and vessel nearly wrecked. Brassey very angry. Soothe him by saying that the error about the half-million “is of no consequence.” Brassey seems immensely relieved. _ AwNpREW come on board, ‘‘ Then comes my fit again!” Tell him I’ve made a speech to Sailors, and try to make him humorous view of the matter ing it a feat on the . — peter A Bhs Tory” if I “ sort of thing again, and says he won’t be responsible consequences, ell, he'll have greater freedom if he has less responsibility, I tell him. After a Week's Cruising.—Feel quite myself again! Hurrah! Asked Brassey why Tory Party is like an Irishman who takes farm of evicted tenant? “ use it wants P ion.” Riddle poor, but shows I’m better. Wire to Cuampentarn that my “vocal powers quite ” He wires back that in that case our Part soon “restored to power,” and “ will I give ’em another Midlothian campaign?” Think on the whole that I ; " [And let us hope his health will be equal to it.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SONG OF A SLOW MOVEMENT. By a Suburban Citizen. ) 8, waiting for my bus, I stand, About five-thirty, frequent, fast, The vehicles whirl westward, past The southern kerb- stone of the Strand. In matting-basket borne, I fetch Down home, per- chance, a bit of fish, And serve, mean- while, against my Some lively limner fora . A ’bus all red and ld comes on ! Mine likewise bears those co- lours bright. Cab following cab impedes my sight— I fail to read—the *bus is gone ! ’Twixt lazy craw- lers, and before The heads cf horses, risking But let blue Robert intervene, It suits the classes who can pay So far = fairness meet, — Cab-hire, to have—I envy not And bid the Crawlers on his © The millionnaires their happier beat Crawl on with gangways clear between. My omnibus ere I can check, I dash, at hazard, o’er and o’er. lot A cab at elbow all their way. CARDSTEPS JOTTINGS. De Mortuwis, Tue Cardsteps Chronicle was very badly in want of a smart Reporter when young Style appeared in the little town. Cardsteps is not a town w much interest is taken in anything; all England rang with the massacre of Berber before we learnt the news, end when it arrived there were so few of us aware of the locality of oy owe it 4 into nethins: before - ”s announcement of the discovery of a purse on sands the previous evening. But even in Cardsteps it was thought that the Chronicle was behind the times. Gakpxen, who was Editor, Reporter, and Adver- tising Canvassér, was universally allowed to be brilliant, but ecoentric. Strangers might ask in vain for fs of the former, but as & sign of his eccentricity he could be pointed out asleep under aleoholic influence on a bench on the e six afternoons of the week. On the Sunday he remained in bed all day, exposing him- self thereby to the awful penalties of an excommunication, that is if Norfolk Parson were his rector. Then the landlord of the “Gunboat” stopper his credit, alleging that his account had run quite long enough. Unluekily, he took this step on a publishing day, and GagpenN, smarting under his wrongs, and ——- an unquench- able thirst, denounced the “‘ Gunboat” as the home of smngglers, and spoke of the landlord as being the most dangerous foe tha Coast Guard had to contend with. It wae a spi 7g tery My Sy Mage journal up pe lane = ten copies, but if it t or proprietor ering three dozen bottles ef soda-water, a demand which a while utterly paralysed the resources of the ‘‘Gunboat,” an action for libel could not have been avoided. The climax came when the grocer’s daughter was married to a lawyer from London. Everybody put on their best clothes, and attended the ceremony; everybody yearned to see their names in print as having been present at smartest wedding known for years; and with this aim everybody treated Ganpen with such by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. liberal cordiality that he fell that night into the hands of an alien peices, and was ensconced in the lock-up, when he should have been at his desk. The paper appeared without a word as to the marriage. Public opinion then unmistakably said that Garpey must go. e went, and a complimentary banquet was given to him as a fellow-townsman, and a man of letters. The evening ended with four fights, and to this day the purveyor of the feast does not know whom to sue for the m Srrtex drifted into Cardsteps at the very nick of time. The Mayor of the adjacent town of Tugsdom was just dead, and Srv y, in humble way, had been a personal friend of the deceased official, and was necessarily well qualified to write his obituary. Moreover, his coat was singularly shiny, his linen was particularly frayed ; and although his boots were scarcely calculated to keep the water out, it was astonishing, on a wet day, what a quantity they retained. It was with a light heart that the proprietor left his young recruit to write a two-column article on the late Mayor, and to bring out the current number of the Cardsteps Chronicle. He was less cheer- ful when he read his own paper the next morni: Dubiousness changed to positive certainty, when he encountered his subscribers ; and when the Mayor’s relatives—the deceased was a wine-and-spirit merchant, ina large way of business, and always good for half column a week—sent over a letter brimful of rage, withdrawing the firm’s advertisement for ever, absolute wrath seized the proprietor, and he sent for his subordinate. Srrix apologetically said that what he +~ i ay 8 was ately yap tect . knowledge. . ** But you have said that ‘ to s is personal vanity it was necessary to allude to the wart on the left side of his nose.’” = ‘* Perfectly true ; it used to make him mad.” ** But you oughtn’t to have said so, And then you remark ‘his ostentatious liberality in public was only equalled by his private iggardliness.’ ” * That ’s also true ; he used to pretty nearly starve his family and servants.’ ” “ But such things should never be printed. What right have you to state that ‘though the ostensible cause of death is given as bron- chitis, it is an undoubted fact that it was in the main due to excessive consumption of his own — he 4 “What right? The doctor told me so himself. It is eighteen months since he said the old fool was drinking himself to death.” **Now, once and for all understand me, or else you’ll follow Garpen. Attack the living as much as you like, when they deserve it, when they don’t agree with our views, or don’t advertise in our «= Bat remember De mortuis nil nisi bonum.” YLE accordingly set to work on the de mortuis line, and his eulogy on the village idiot would |have been excessively fulsome if applied to a Burns ora Brrow. And he did not scruple to attack e living. His description of his proprietor’s foremost opponent on the Local Board as ‘‘ a verminiferous black-beetle wriggling on the point of a pin,” was considered a masterpiece of delicate humour by all saye the gentleman of whom it was written, who, meeting the peeemter of the Chronicle at the Railway Station, first knocked his at over his eyes, and then kicked him down the steps with such vigour that he was in bed for three weeks. During this period Srriz had full control over the paper, and upheld his master’s views with such loyal zeal, that on every publication day little crowds used to waylay the doctor, and shake thick sticks with a scornful air when they gathered that his patient would not be yet out and about. But it was kindness that caused Srrix’s downfall. The city which domineered over this part of the country, the City of St. Precincts, had, in addition to one of the noblest cathedrals in England, an elegant and commodious county gaol. Great had been the excite- ment, even the pulse of Cardsteps had fully throbbed, over a local murder, and when the doer of the deed had been sentenced to be hanged, great was the rivalry, and fierce the competition to obtain s view of the execution. By some means the Chronicle got a ticket, and Sry x naturally undertook the task of reporting the scene. His article was really admirable. His description of the gloomy fastness, of the doomed man’s walk to the scaffold, of his frightened eyes, of his blanched face, was a model of word-painting, Ably, too, had Srytx retold the story of the murder; the mad- dened ruffian’s beating his wife’s head in with the poker, his holding his infant baby on the fire, his cutting his three elder children’s throats from ear to ear, and his smothering his a; mother, were ms of crime-pictures. And then Sryte concluded—“ But let us row no stone at the man who this morning expiated for his crime with his life on the scaffold. Those who knew best will long miss his betty genial ways, his honest ringing laugh. An admirable son, a devoted husband, and a loving father has passed away from us. Let us remember his best qualities, and forget his little faults and weaknesses. De mortuis nil nisi donum,” That brought the proprietor from his bed, and sent Srrxx out of [Aveusr 22, 18865, the county. We hear nothing positive of him now at Cardsteps, but it is rumoured that he is either attached to the poetry staff of a great tooth-powder-making firm, or engaged on making the fortune of "| London newspaper. — @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. THE PRIZ , GKEA Ci - GOLD M) Cannia RICK 92 and OLE so LIE Spriny SILVE!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—<Avausr 22, 1885.

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put pu clo C8 fen er- v Oe ace. WH ISKY, ~ TE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865, rit © GREAT TITCHFIELD STREBT, LONDON, W. fa HIGHLAND MALT - BCARLTON ” WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. his GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, 104 | Sha. the Gall; 60a. the Doz. ate Canatace Pain. Casa Oxtr. 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N BOTTLING sTonke— m- Broowssvay Mansion, Haar Sracer, W.C. od RICHD. MATHEWS & cO., ve Agenta fer India—CUTLEB, PALMER, & CO.

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CHUBB’S LOCKS. Paice Liers sent reen. 128, QUEEN VICTORIA STREET, E.C., @, St. James's Street, Pall Mall, London; Manchester, Liverpool, & Birmingham. MELLOR’S SAUCE: EPH STEEL ‘i ” SPECIAL TO LADIES. SPRING FASHIONS, One of the most useful 48 Ssareative a He Fashion Books is ret FASHIONS,” which Mesars. the well-known bea | _; a ‘%s, aah, St. Paul's Churchyard, will forward erat usly to any lady on spp ation. bay would be sure to find somethin, hele Po perneins “SPENCE Ss “ate EST ASHIONS. " Pat are ses 7 this Firm post free. Directions are given we and the — et gn rita oan avings of the various st prove great pa venbige to ladies de pow} oh hating the newest styles at wholesale City prices.—Vide London Press. JAMES SPENCE @ CO, 76, 77,78, and 79, St. Paul's Churchyard, London, E,0, M°GALL’S PAYSANDU OX TONGUES.

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Page 132

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avevusr 22, 1885, ALL. Universally approved by the CONSTIPATION, PATENT). SS leading Physicians as the Best, Safest, and most Effectual Remedy for RHEUMATISM, SCIATIOA, EPILEPSY, LUMBAGO, DROPSY, PARALYSIS, NERVOUS DEBILITY, HYSTERIA, INDIGESTION, PALPITATIOn, IN SEARCH OF HEALTH GOUT, SPINAL Com) D and has cured some of the most obstinate and distressing cases after all other remedies (so-called) have failed. Dr. Awparw Wrisow writes as follows in Health, June 5, 1985 ; mended in Health as one of the very few genuine electrical appliances which the public may purchase with safety and satisfaction, bave m of electrical pam ay Oe is highly satisfactory to find that an enterprise for the development large sen gainers p./ such enterprise, inasmuch as the aims of a Company, conducted on the auspices of THE ME) skilled labour, the manufacture of electrical appliances as aids to health and the at 62, Oxford St., London, W. has been successfully pr ojected. The pa BATTERY CO., are those of Cheque, value Z21s., crossed London and County Bank, and pa a described above, for either aves Gentleman, free by Post to any part of the United Ki containing to forwari ‘the Electropathic Bel Battery it, rateY; On, Haswess’ Guips to Heautu,” profusely dlastrated, and In these s ic become necessaril perfecting and extending, by the aid of capital and Piesse poswase exact Giza Rovuwp tax Water wext rue Sain as -y onpegive tus “ ELECTROPATHIC BATTERY BEL HARNESS, Tas Mepicat Barreay Company, Lrurrzp, 52, ‘td Srazzt, Lorpox, W., to C. numerous and well-authenticated Testimonials, will be sent, ost Pree, on app —*“I observe that THE MEDICAL BATTERY COMPANY, LIMITED, whose Belt has been to new and electrical manufacture on a cure of On receipt of Post Office Orig Undertaiy om. A132 + = entitled, a Exteny THE MEDICAL BATTERY Co., Ltd, (Successors to the PALL MALL ELECTRIC AssOcUTION), 62, OXFORD “ST., ‘LONDON, ¥, IMPORTANT NOTICE. UNITED TELEPHONE COMPANY, LIMITED. Oxronp Covnt, Caxwow Sree, Lowpos, E.C., August 10th, 1688. STECIAL £13 RATE The Directors are now prepares te connect with the London Exchange System, for s rental of £12 per annum. the Privete Kesidence of any Subscriber who sireedy peys £20 for an Exchange Wire from his Office or piace of business TELEGRAMS DIRECT TO AND FROM THE GENERAL POST OFFICE The Dirretors have connected the Company's Fxchances with the Centra! Telegraph Office in Bt. Mastin e-le Grand fubecrib’rs can now, there fore, on arrancing with the Company tor the pay ment of the ordinary tari! charged by the Font — ¢ for the tranemission of Inland and Foreign cesages, transmit from, nd receive at, thr ir own Ome. 0 telegrams direct through &t. Martin 's-le Grand The Post Office. in addition to tctgybening mee ences to a Bubecriber's address, , if he should wish it, deliver the messages in writing by hand in the usual wey, aud without apy extra charge fubecribers who may with to avail themselves of these @pectal Berviers. will receive all requisite information and te Forms of Agreement for signa ture on application to the Secretary, at the Company's ( TELEPHONE CALL ROOMS. Call Kooms are now oper at— Cannon | The Eastern Hotel, Limehouse tr ; , High M&.. bray m, , teddoe Ss. The Ked Tower, v4, High | Road libura ; Lowes sani Chambers, 27, The Internation»! In- Chancery Lane; ventions Exhibit.on ; and Trlephones are also fitted up in the Hovsss of Pastiamert for the convenience embers, a6 well as of Counsel and others attending the Com- mi ttees. Rooms will very shortly be at Charing Cress, Notting Hill, Camden own, Ohiewick Sydenham, and elsewhere in Leadon and the pubur be. By order of the Board, THOS. HLAIKIE, Secretary SULPHOLINE LOTION (The Cure for Skin Diseases) in @ fow days removes every Eruption, Spot, or Miemiah, rendering the Skin Clear, smvoth, suppie, end healthy. sold every where FIVE COLD MEDALS Borwicks BAKING POWDER FOR STRY & PUDDINGS CAKES. Ph A PERFECT RESERVOIR PEN ‘ay ANY PEN OF ORDINARY SIZE AND ANY INK MAY BE USED.’ == FITTED WiTH GOLD PEN 5° a 7? 6? IT CANNOT CORRODE BEING MADE OF HARD VULCANITE OF ALL STATIONERS. “SwiFT” ‘WRITING INKS “SwiFT”. STEEL PENS Wholesale only of the Sole Manufacturers: THOS. DE LA RUE & CO. LONDON. MYOCOM FLY GUM. A SPEEDY DELIVERANCE FROM FLIES Admiral Bacuanez says of Myocom : ~~" The most perfect Viy Catcher he has eve: used.’ Mrs. Watton writes:— ‘Mer servants are de lighted with it." In Tins, 1s, 2s. 64, and Se. WIRE STRINGHOLDERS for MYCCOM, Id. each. Of all large Chemist. and Grocers, &c., or 8 Sample Tin, post tree, for ls id., of THOS. CHRISTY & CO., 6, FENCHUKCM STKEET, LONDON BRILL’S SEA 13d. per Bath, SA LT. Invigorating and Refreshing. KENOX’S “ECLIPSE” SPIRIT STOVE, PATENTED. ls. 6d. each ; per Post, 1s. 9d. each. Special Quotations ior large quantities, . Paatir Oren. Bize across Outside Standards. 6 inches. Height of Standards, 3 inches. “THE Meo 3 THING THAT NTED FOR YEARS This ooai pe the great advantage e of being abie to regulate the heat, which is done by moving two crescent-shaped slides, which pess over the wire gauze, inwards or out wards, as required. With the “ ECLIPSE” Stove jon ean cook a chop, steak, bam and eugs, fi-h, , &e. With the “ ECLIPSE” Stove nok can make tea, coffee, cocoa, &c., while you are dressing, or at any other time With the “ ECLIPSE" Stove you can boil your own shaving water in two minute With the “ ECLIPSE” Stove ladies can heat their curling irons im one minute wit ~ =e e "8 se or sey eees 8 food w in t E” Stove you can keep the baby's fond ust warm. With the “ PSE” Stove you can make hot water the last thing at night for your brandy, when al) the fires are put out and the servants are not handy *‘ ECLIPSE” Stove with you when Always tacean you go into apartments at the seaside, &c., be | yochting, fishing, shooting, piculeing, ba PURE METHYLATED SPIRIT, or you will To be h 4 py an BSE Ofimen, and Chemists, or sent direct, on receipt of price, by H. A. KNOX & CO., Importers of American and German Hardware Novelties, &c., Biaminomam axD Suerriztp Mencuarrts, 151, HOUNDSDITCH, LONDON, itove you can boil the | tne Use ENTIRE FREEDOM. PROM pa aS OF THE bs i. stinguished a SILK THREAD at with the ¥ Ww VIOLENT o> teed a. eae ao Paste, feo os AUTION.—Jo imitations, see fs pear agen “ Wileoz & Co bisgante , CAUTION, —Te guard agai that each po veel feore foo What shall I Drink? | The Lawcer has subjected the Montserrat Lime | Juice to full analysis for quality and purity, and recommends the public to drink it in preference to any form of alcohol. ONTSERRAT “ CORDIALS AROMATIC CLOVE, STRAWBERRY, RASP- BERRY, PINEAPPLE, SARSAPARILLA, JAR- GONELLE, QUININE, PEPPERMINT. Retail from Grocers, Druggists, and Wine Merchants every where |, eee “ Wileoz 4 Co., 239, Oxford Street, TO BE OBTAINED EVERYWHERE Macmtftetured by JOAN GOSNELL & CO SODA WATER POTASS WATER, SELTZER WATER, GINGER ALE MALVERN SELTZER, 4s. 64. per Dow Bottles.) Ss. 6d. per Dos. (Exclusive of id on Foil an a ‘Emptics to and on ’ ress in the United Kingdom. of leading Agents sent on application to J. SCHWEPPE , 289, Oxford Stroet, Lenin! : nin op rt Ce per ea A

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we Z Prig tat we la Up, , Les BEE] sie! : ie if ; | = ne see i : B = Hi . “« fo) i Sites y { / CS S| F ; j.—__HF * \fe i poll | ? ~ Thies . . if] ? t ipsa pe te Mi, ¢ NZ ff i : ‘ } A A) ( Ci coded ls " i | . } fi } | | ce ‘ = } ast : es | I ‘' a | ho poll I My Hi ~ Ss Hill i; " j et il Wan y N° 2303. VOLUME EIGHTY - NINE. —_—~— AUGUST 239, NAYVIS MMe syiuintlinn “Tits numerous competitors appear to have, one after another, fallen away.” te ct "BONSd SBSBYHL ABOINd a? ads ‘tf — SOE ee = See st are am 6 2) PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. le FOURTH EDITION of Uustrated by CHARLES KEENE, Sc. ROBERT; “ce Price One Shilling. 9 A City Waiter. From “ Puncu.” from the Diary BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO, 3, g 10, SOUVERIE ST., BG woe

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Se” | Avavsr 29, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 97 not without some slight protest, to ins: the bursting of obsolete YACHTING. massioteaaise by ew rea beovy ordnance charges the open ted baaier. practice-grounds at the of Whale Island. Having witnessed Tiust by Dumb-Crambe Junior these interesting experiments for some considerable time in a somno- lescent condition, it was now announced to their Lordships, who had to be awakened with a fog-signal, that the Enchantress was in sight, upon which, after they had expressed the greatest satisfaction at this intelligence, they made a hurried rally for the landing-stage, and, spite the almost active intervention of the Colonel, acting as Fe Nar of works, who obstinately insi their seeing some mortar practice, managed ultimately, after a prolonged altercation ending in a somewhat unseemly scuffle, to get once again safely on board their own yacht. Their Lordships attended the official dinner A by the Admiral Commander-in-Chief in the evening, but early, in several batches, for unknown destinations, without ing any addresses. vin: The pesed “* supplemen — t — for their special entertainment aftr the on usion the Beamen and Marines omy Sees Ball, will, it is rumoured, in consequence possibly g fire. A DISENCHANTED CASTLE. ‘To be Sold” an old Castle of feudal renown ; For its Lords, well-a-day! in the world have gone down ; And their latest descendant, who haply can’t let, a a concluded to sell it for what can get. VERY WELL OUT OF IT; > fy! It dates back to the dark days, on piace » Ay . ’ ‘ gy* page, Or, Finishing Up at Portsmouth, it ' OF Ge a and the bills, and Tue Lords of the Admiralty, whose recent heroic movements in j ‘ the battle-axe age. . the acighbaneneee of Portamouth have bong duly chronicled = be —| oe lala fy Fee stone-built, medi- lumns of t ily Press, again continued and finally conclu ‘ Va c o- their exciting tour of inspection Foiwies. under even still more »: ea Ls — 6 ae seat, and it’s now novel and interes ting ovnditions. It having been erran aged that in -_ “je to ition to their previous experiences more or less calculated to : familiarise then Lil the prastical details of their official work, they It bears belnarhe, and battle- should still farther be subjectec to the personal inconvenience atten- d. fast as li ks nnn es dps ers, dant on a night-attack by an enemy ‘‘supposed to be in full foroe, ae —A he 86 Live FOCKS, “ e storms = _ supported by a torpedo aq on sides ;” their Lordships, n its walls t oy ee cather and an no one Knows way, we NS TS 2 il apenatn dg en taper cen roused, and hurried off wi y comfo: y, in one * or two steam pinnaces, waiting to take them to the scene of action. = ° yore as, © chamber where mas This feat was courteously but efficiently accomplished by the con-| path’ left blood-stains, which won’t be troller, who, notwithstan¢.ng the apparent lack of interest shown by| washed out of the floor, some of the official part, who were at first huddled rather sleepily | 4.4 » room with a secret that ne’er must and unceremoniously i ito the stern, managed by the judicious use of known the electric-light and steam-whistle combined with the cold morning As *uenld carry a terrible curse were it air, and an occasions) wash of spray, to excite their flagging interest | ~ « Moun.” - So sees of Ss important manwuvre in which they found emselves en , 7 stair The attack eee been, after a good two hours’ heavy shrapnel a Raw x, — = grand yam, practice in the dark, ‘‘ repulsed,” their Lordships, who were now A spectral “ Gecen Lady ” walks, grue- fairly awake, expressed their entire satisfaction with the proceed- some and green ings, and were about to return to their respective hotels to finish} which betokens that somebody ’s going their mente sat, ye - Adaienl, who had prpenee @ pleasant | “ty die - surprise for them, in the shape of a morning cruise in the new patent |»: ve ee ort, “rocking” vessel, Tumbler, designed for the purpose of accustoming Tis 8 netics to quit—a memento sir Admirals on the Half-Pay List to recover, in any emergency, the use There’s a ban on the building; the tale of ome rH ey ay ge ny er — Get ter en ata rate some out and home again, their : i born The Castle 8 ; Keodahiga, who were thus enabled before spoalanest to experience a —_ Nn aid. walle will be = the sensations common toa severe Channel passage, on leaving t : broken ; and, sooth, it a ingeniously-contrived craft, again expressed their entire satisfaction, Rese bp = deny 2 ens. for five hundred years. and were looking anxiously for some conveyance to carry them in 4 , , De ginestion of the town, when they were met by poy Curveyer of a This ancostaph 8 Koon, with the yards, who at once suggested an in tion 0: proposed site f : er broad a for the Marine Bowling-Green about which there had been consider- ve , fs All around it, Sir Gorervs Minas able difference of opinion, and which happened to be not more than (a ant. may buy, we two miles and a half distant from the spot where they had been | cs Though he drop all his aitches, noni F MER, Lay wagers, lay wine do n their way to the site their Lordships had, moreover, | } “ yY wagers, lay wine down,— the opportunity of trytonr new Macpherson iron-clad fire-escape,| || hc will he lay the Ghost ? that in action is meant to facilitate the safety of combatants leaving| | . : sinking ship, and in time of peace can be utilised as a series of| | | Oh, the weeping-stone, then will douche baths, supplied with hot or cold water as inclination or neces- ba nef it weep any more uty Ren tienes ie mj Will esas , gerre to ‘ir ships having experienced the efficacy of this admirable; 9 come out 0 new invention 2 both capacities, the First Lord, who said he} ib Will the Green Lady warn the thought that he might possibly be recalled to town immediately, smug Millionnaire ,; Was about to signal by heliograph for a four-wheeler from Upnor, Tobacco and Spirit. And how about Gonerus Mipas’s official party were again taken off bodily, though this time heir ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Aveust 29, 1885, | BUMBLE TO THE BEEFEATER. I've been reading in the paper, Mr. Beefeater, as how The Loxp CHAMBERLAIN is having of a game with you jest now, And is doing of his best to make you look a rummy card, Much more like a prison-warder than a Yeoman of the Guard. ’T was the Liberale—or Bossy Lowe at least—as I’ve heard say, In a fit of public-spirited economy one day On the ’andsome silver badge upon your arm who made a pounce, And then sold it to a silversmith at four-and-two the hounce. Shortly arter, bit by bit, they took away your swagger clo’es, First your doublet, then your ruff, and then your plummy damask hose, Gave you bluchers for to wear, instead of brilliant buckle shoes, Put you into wulgar trousers and a pennytenshal blouse. Last of all, I’m told, the Chamberlain—a Tory, by the way— Has deprived you of your velvet cap, that used to look so gay, And bestowed on you a “ pattern-hat” some Army-tailor chose, Sech as farmers sticks up on a pole to scare away the crows. Wrongs like yours, my ill-used Yeoman, Bumsix’s sympathy may claim, And he pities you sincerely in your sorrow and your shame ; But you ain't the honly tiptop hinstitooshun in the land Upon which the low hiconoclask has laid his sordid hand. Look at Me! Why, bless your ’eart, it ain’t so wery long ago That my duds was jest as spiff as any London had to show ; I looked down with ’aughty scorn upon the Harmy and Perlice, And was quite as big a toff as what the Frenchies cal! a *‘ Sweess.” But them fellers in the Press, as always prates about Reform, For porochial hinstitooshuns made it most uncommon warm, And partiklerly for me and other Beadles, whom they classed With “ the useless, bloated relies of a quaint barbaric past.” I was wrote of as “ the stupidest anomaly e’er seen,” And a vile anakrinizzum—whatsoever that may mean— Till the Vestrymen got frightened, and decided it was best That the splendours of the Beadle should be totally suppressed. So they cruelly despiled me of my three-caped rockylore, Of the buckles and the “ shorts” that on my nether-man I wore, Of the hat, thrice-cocked and laced with gold, that wa my special pride, 4 ; And the iree-tenpes rattan with which the boys I used to hide. Thus transformed into the despicable hobjeck that you | see, I stand gazing on the picter of the swell I used to be ; And I feels conwinced Old England must be going to the O88, When her Beefeaters and Beadles has to wear sech common togs. “VILLANY TRIUMPHANT.” Iw the new melodrama, Hoodman Blind, at the Prin- cess’s Theatre, the Villain of the piece obtains the entire sympathy of the audience in consequence of the vengeance meted out to him by the hero. One of the Authors (Mr, Jowgs) some little while ago lectured and wrote about the Mission of the Dramatist, which seemed in his opinion to be closely allied to that of the preacher. So be i But surely this is a new departure? Villany is acous- tomed to be hissed through three Acts of a piece while employed in successful fraud, and in the fourth to die, defeated in the end, amidst the jeers of a scornful and exultant Gallery. But with Mr. Jonzs'’s Hoodman Blind as a model, the end of a play will be in future something like the following, which we publish as a guide for young dramatists in general, and Messrs. Bovcicavtr, Sis, and Merairt in particular :— Scenze— The Zoological Gardens. Enter Villain, exultingly. He looks at his Watch. Villain. In ten minutes’ time she will be here, and then away to Italy with Ais bride, and a fortune of ten thousand a year! How my plans have wy py ! The poison I provided disposed of my uncle, the fire I kindled burnt my mother, and the mine I exploded blew to atoms | my grandfather. It was a clever thought to scuttle the | ship, forge those wills, and destroy that marriage-regis- | ter! (Enter Hero in the dress of a Keeper.) Here she comes—at last ! : Hero (confronting Villain). Yes, at last! Face to face! Your hour has arrived, RatpH BLackHeEaRr, and | you eannot escape ! : Villain (trembling). What right have you to stop me? | Hero. Because I am—(throwing off false whiskers, §¢.) —Anrtuur Turniptor the Avenger! Villain (aghast). Anraur Toryipror ! Hero (repeating). The whey vi And now meet your | fate! | Opens cage containing Lions. Villain fights them. Villain (breathless after killing his last Lioness). Have you no mercy ? Hero. None. And now forthe serpents! _ 2 [ Opens glass-cases. Terrible encounter with poison- | ous Reptiles. Villain (wounded, weary, but still the conqueror). Once | more, mercy ! [Applause from audience. Hero. Never! Let me see how you like the wild Elephants ! [ Opens Wild Elephant-house. The infuriated animals | trample upon Villain. Sal 5. Villain (gasping). Have you no heart? See, I still live! Surely it is time tor forgiveness! [ Renewed aa audience. Hero. No! Lions, Cobras, Jumbos, powerless to kill you. Then but one course is open tome. Police! Enter Constable, who seizes Villain and takes him into custody. Villain (struggling). In the hands of the law! My name dishonoured, my rm a disgrace! Never! (Suddenly takes powson.) I can butdie! (Zurns up his eyes to the fies.) Forgiveness ! ; [ Dies. Immense applause from the audience. Hero (embracing Heroine, who has rushed in). My own. my love! Never to part again! ; [Dead silence from the audience. Curtain, Loud calls for the Villain, who is enthusiastically cheered on his appearance. Monat.—Doubtful ! Eu? —The representatives of the Shipping Interest speak of Mr. CHAMBERLALN as a “‘ rec politician.” this be because he is in favour of a “ wreck-less” policy? | —, seeps &e ost Oe 4 semen ea. S - oS

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te, 1885, | —) at wag | T used | at yon | be ; to the sech | Avovst 29, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 99 ‘THE ROWERS ON THE LEA. | (din—“* The Miller on the Dee.”) | Tae ta forth to lent ee They started off as blithe as larks, And sang most merrilee ; “We envy nobody in the world, But don’t they envy we!” |“You’re wrong, my friends!” the Boatman cried, | “As wrong as wrong can be ; | No boating now is to be had Upon the River The fishing too has gone to grief, The anglers sniff—and flee ; And why? Because the stream's a sewer, As you will shortly see.” | The party laughed in merry scorn, They took a boat so free ; “ We love to row,” they all deelared, ‘‘ Whate’er the water be, No noisome odours shall prevent Oar vespertinal spree ; It is the Londoner’s delight, This limpid River Lea!” Alas! Within a brief half-hour, They sang, but not in glee, “We envy folk upon the bank, But they don’t envy we! For why? We feel inclined to faint, We’re sick as sick can be; We've all got germs of Typhoid from This rowing on the Lea!” | THE 8S. A. MANCGEUVRES. | (From Our Own Correspondents. ) | A BRISK engagement has occurred | between the Derby Corps of the Sal- vation Army and a body of insurgents. There seems to have been serious fighting. pipasiihin 4 Army accused o: ing an undue _ use of their band in kicking up a row. | Sammonses issued against some of them for disturbing the peace; the | Authorities not recognising their claim | to belligerent rights. | Last night the Corps made another | demonstration. Were followed to the | market-place by tag-rag-and-bobtail, whose movement was, in the mean- while, confined to a reconnaissance. The Salvationeers, arriving on that Gennd, pay a ayo thook a stick at the police. Signal for meee = Rontilites, A immediate -_ y themob, ther drum mal ir infantry bonneted, their cavalry pulled to the ground, and their squad i racks, bombarded by crowd, flinging and dead cats, throwing stones and smashing windows, Tre- mendous u t The élite of the Salvation Arm constitute a crack regiment, entitled the “ Salvation Life Guards.” ,, Have the Salvationist forces any Seppersand Miners”? Weare not aware, but their silly and ridiculous demonstrations tend altogether to sap and undermine, if not to revolt, every idea of reverence. Their perform- ances in the streets with their ban- ners, drums, and tambourine girls are, in fact, only fit for a Booth. For, bird? Can he give me the lie, though he cry “‘ Cuckoo!” never so ? reason and love keep little company together nowadays. we should have been spared the spectacle of an eminent Cardinal, an Archbis ym all with their fingers in a mud-pie. “0 ye bs ig = song Societies for the Protection of Men to guard “man, poor man,” aga Scandal called Vi the Not-at-all-at- Vigilance — L. some very clear ¢ tions Well—save us from the Salvationists! | case afforded suffitent A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM. Modern (Irish) Version, Titania... H1BERNIA. Bottom...“ Tue Sturm Parry.” Puck...Lord Rawpotrn Cavrcntie. Bottom sings :— Snve in the Liberal nest! A lark The Cuckoo thus to play! With the Rad Sparrow, which doth mark But dares not say me nay. : indeed, what can his vaunted wit now avail against what he deems Lut, an it wera, a foolish Titania. 1 pray thee, gentle Party, sing again! Mine ear is much enamoured of thy note, So is my mind resolved with thee to vote, And thy fair promises perforce do move me To swear that—for awhile at least—I love thee. Bottom. Methinks, Mistress, you should have little reason for that; and yet, to say the truth, But I can gloze upon_occasion. ‘ Titania. Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful. { Winks. Puck. Ah! these two are now at one !— I foresee no end of fun! For those things do best please me That befall preposterously. VERB. SAP.! Ir Sir Ricuanp Cross, our new Not-at-all-at-Home Secretary, had s d it at the outeet , some Bishops, and Scareely a journal a) without some report, or para- about Societies for the Protection of Girls, while so-called “ reli papers” recommend the igi If this state of thing 8 continues, we o- — inst sue ing, slandering, and black-mailing, as will be engendered by these Schools for iilance Committees. But who is to watch these irresponsible spies’ Undoubtedly ome Secretary, with the Public Prosecutor, wide-awake for once, at his elbow. only exist where the Law is powerless. The FD sere has been favoured with the moral views of these self-elected Custodians, and the Armstrong t ground for the intervention of the Strong Arm of the Law. ce Committees. ittees can

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. mS ee POR oy, Saf wii a 2 ip . 7, ae NE PLUS ULTRA. “‘Onwty rancy, Granwprpapa, I mapgs Tamrzzn Mistakes 1x mY FRENCH Exrnrciss |” ‘On, I pang say I SHOULD HAVE MADE worz, my Dartinc!” pee sy | ‘‘Om wo, You wouLpn’r! THaerz were onty 7arrrezy Worps/" ——_—. ——_ MOCK HEROICS WITH A VENGEANCE! Poet ( piping)— Or Rocwerort’s wrath, to England direful spring Of woes unnumbered, Gutter-Goddess, sing! | That wrath nor sense nor justice can restrain, | Roused by the death of Par, untimely slain, | Whose limbs unburied on the Nile’s sad shore | Dog Krrcwewer and vulture WoLseLEy tore. Since hulking Ajax with Thersites strove, | There never was so great a row, by Jove! How rise the frenzied howls, the feline squalls | (Which euphemistic Temps “* polemic” | | The heaven-assaulting oaths (which none will heed) | That Sarissvry shall fall and Lrons bleed ; | The wailings womanish, the roe hysterical, | Moved by suspicions mad and hopes chimerical ! Declare, O Muse, in what ill-fated hour | aprang the fierce strife, commenced the foul mud-shower; | How rowdy Rocuerort foul contagion » | And half the Paris Press went off its head ! | Muse (interrupting) — Not if I know it, Bardling. Nay, not I! Excuse me! I have other fish to =+ What matter showers of undeserved abuse, Or the fierce hissings of a frantic goose ? Egregious Hewat, of the addled brain, May curse Britannia or myself in vain. We may be, like Aineas, ** forced by fate,” But not by baby-RocHEForT's babbling hate | A Short Way with Voters. | “©, 8, M.,” writing to the Times, says he would |‘ legalise bribery to the extent of making it lawful to | pay a Voter not to vote,” on the ground that ‘‘A man who is willing to accept such a bribe is unfit to haves vote.” This would “buying off the barbarians” with a vengeance, and suggests novel developments in legislation. ‘‘ Your money or your Vote—which will you have?” says the Candidate, in effect, to a possible elector, and the latter’s choice decides his electoral fi and, pay, the chance of the would-be M.P. Whether he who accepts such an offer should be paid for being unfit, or whether he who makes it is fit to “have the Vote,” of those who are not ht off, are questions which “C. 8, M.” does not tackle. Perhaps our new electoral Daniel will ‘‘ come to judgment” again. THE TALE OF A WHALE. I sroop by Waterloo Bridge the other afternoon, watching the argosies of British commerce passing swiftly to and fro on the water highway of the world, feeling pride in the spectacle, yet regret that a parsimonious and pusillanimous Government itted these vessels to venture afar without any protection. Here were trim, taut steamers, with low hulls and rakish funnels, bound with fifty or sixty human lives, and at least a dozen or two of bottled beer, for Senge Pier. There — \ Te. ay doh Ay me ay ines, were preparing for further and more journeys; the —_ = on which were fully prepared for the time and difficulties fore them, for while some, braving the fierce high winds which on the calmest day elsewhere for ever swirl and sway round the Cathe- dral of St. Paul, were purchasing boxes of dependent on the fickle match for their ignition of tobacco, others, mindful of the long and w delays that would inevitably ensue ere they bumped Blackwall Pier, ste on board with a perfect library in the shape of the day’s Datly Telegraph. A sight calcu- lated to arouse one’s pride, yet at the same time bitter t, when ene thought what havoc, in case of war, a few fast cruisers might inflict on this superb fleet. I stood not alone regarding this scene. Passionately fond of the sea as | am, ever since my people, calling a spade a e, called me a young rake, and had sent me to the Hoe of Plymouth, there to sink or swim, I yet do not monopolise for the ocean, and I soon became aware of a figure by my side contemplating the ‘pusy movements of the magnificent he be He was an old man, in a faded blue suit, with red half-closed eyes, a bulbous nose, and blotehy cheeks, which at once betrayed his calling. Show me such a man anywhere, and I would at once say that he was accustomed to an ocean—of liquor. * Purty, ain’t it?” he asked, com ing the conversation, and my heart at once warmed towards the familiar accents which betokened a man acquainted with the three seas. Yes, all the great , 80 as not to be | Ro seas—the C.C.C. I returned in the affirmative, and he went on:— ‘* But, lawks, what a deal of fuss is made about these ’ere tin kettles, for that they are nothing more or less! Ah, it was a bit different when we had sailing wessels, and didn’t know’ othing beet these ’ere craft. Steam, they says, was in its infancy then. ell, I only wishes that infant had been entrusted to the care of a baby farm. Such sentiments, so similar to those which I have ulgated s0 often in public and private, at once induced me to this son of the sea whether he had any objection to join me in a friendly glass. ‘* None whatever ; he would join me in several,” was his eminently sailorly reply, and then, with the keen true instinct of a mariner who knows upon what little chances his dangerous calling turns, added, ‘‘ and in smokes.” So saying, he led the way to a neighbour- ing hostelry frequented by seamen, the very name of which, “ The manocian,” smacked of the sea. And those who were refreshing themselves within spoke in nautical phrases, alluding to having been half seas over the night before, and of having had a storm with their wives, and of feeling perfect wrecks this day i their favourite hero and heroine were Captain Crosstree and Dolly Mayflower, but as! never once heard the command given, “ Starboard.” so did I never hear anyone order ‘‘ Port.” . Having placed refreshments before and within my friend, he commenced,— “‘ They scientific coves and folks up at the Admiralty talks about the superior rate of progression that is obtained nowadays by steam. But it makes one ill to hear them a going on. Now how long do you su it takes one of them vessels to get down to Southend Pier! answered—‘ Five, six, seven hours, as the case might be.” . ** Exaetly. There you have it in a moment with your caloulsting figure-head. Well, I have sailed it—sailed it in three-guartar an hour! You may well look surprised ; but what I am Gospel truth. It is some many years ago “ my mate, Joz BLocx.er, one of the smartest f e a tiller or a till—rather too smart, the Judge, a land-lubbing i a wig, said over the latter job as he give him two with,—and he {Aveust 29, 1885, Avovs —_— sailed fr ever glac and enou Pool. B Seein “ Poo ‘em up & four-and into the was to | eared, fe was eve! a marvel stanchio and thai through anxious a small and ask weather late gale and thin sailors t “ue W owe He mutual moment tearing | I had be railway miles ir were, fo carried i went th son! an i cut an € } it woulc folks he before ¢ known ‘ but we’ two hal then th narrow “ So ; out of J board. a slant shore,

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u li i et ee, ed Avover 29, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 101 sailed from London Bridge one day in one_of the liveliest craft that ever gladdened the eyes of @ real, genuine salt. (Certainly I will, and enough after that.) Well, we weren’t long in getting into the Pool. But the Pool ain’t what it was, is it, Sir?” . Seeing it was expected of me, I answered in the negative. Ppa!” he continued ; “ Pool! I remember when one could pick ‘em up at thirty shillings a time, and last night I had to divide one of four-and-six. But to get back to the voyage. As soon as we got into the Pool, we saw that for the hest of our voyage, which was to Barking Creek, we should have a head-wind. Not that we cared, for we were, a8 I said before, in one of the tautest crafts that was ever afloat. From her u stern-piece to her transom she was amarvel. When she had got moonraker, her lee-brails, and her stanchions all afloat, you couldn’t have imagined a prettier sight, and than her jib-halltards and her trysail no better lines ever cut through the water. But then we were almost a-calm. Jox cast anxious looks at the Goat and Compasses, for he owed a small score there, and was afeard that they might put off in a boat and ask for it, but we were spared that mary od by getting under the weather-bow of a coal-barge who had lost her spinnaker-boom in a late gale. Still we got no f . We was a-sitting idly there, and thinking maybe how foolish we had been to leave our homes, for sailors thinks at times, when suddenly we felt a shock. “* What’s that ?’ sang out I. “*How the devil should I know?’ sung out he; and with this mutual confidence I leant forward aft to see what it was, but ina moment afterwards I was in the bottom of the boat, and we were tearing down the river far quicker than even in my wildest dreams Ihad believed it possible to go. Talk of steamers—bah! Talk of railway trains—we beat one which was going down to Erith by ten miles in eleven. Lawks, I confess now how frightened we both were, for you see there was the wind dead agin us, and there were we going at a rate of 8 which I can’t think can have been less aj see _— an hour. head ie ahs tadisaiee “ Everything, of course, going agin a -wind at this rate was carried away, off flew our boom, away in the air went the , over went the companion. How things did fly past us. Say Jack Robin- son! and we was at Greenhithe, we had not time to yell when we cut an emigrant ship in two, and down she went with all hands. Eh, it would have been a pitiful sight could we have seen it, for the poor | folks had all their little worldly possessions on board, it being just | before quarter-day, and they a-moving all their ions unbe- | known to their Landlord, from Gravesend over to Tilbury in Essex, | but we was down Long Reach pretty nigh before we were through the two halves of the dinghy, for such was the rig of the emigrants’ ship, then the Chapman and the Mucking Lights, like the two posts of a narrow gate, and Southend Pier was right upon us. “So rapid had been our flight, that the breath was knocked right out of Jor, and he fell heavily on the tiller, shoving it hard a-star- board. That saved our lives. The boat slowly obeyed the helm, and a slant of air coming from the Medway drove us straight on to Leigh shore. It is not often that a sailor cares for a lee-shore ; but if ever two men did bless one, those two men were Jox and myself. We gazed at each other silently, and I could see Jor’s face was all white and strained as if with great pain, which, seeing as how he had hit the tiller with his omy deep was not to be wondered at. As for myself, I don’t know I looked. Certainly, one doesn’t get tipple like it every day, but I didn’t feel so comfortable as I do now. What water is there?’ I asked Jor, y. I know it was hoarsely, haying done little for a week before but spend the profits of our last cruise on gin. ‘Three foot,’ he answered. Thank Heavens!’ I could not help exclaiming, for I knew that we only drew six inches, were safe when we struck, but not hard, as one would on a beach, but soft, as on the mud. We both jumped overboard as we were, and examined the keel of our craft aye | vangs to the buntlines. And geet do you thio: it was, all » this ’ere sailing express against the wind, and striking when we had no business to strike?” I could give no guess, ent ed as I had been in this tale of the sea. Why, the weather had been a bit stormy for some time, which as ves birds =t fishes up the Fiver. é ad what we hit in the a whopping big porpoise. eel of our boat was a bi gn, and the iron had got entangled with that pee fins, and d had had to drag us the whole way down. Swims fast they always hie with the agony of the pain he swam doubly quick. e took m ashore easy enough, for he was spent now, and each of us had a pair of boots made out of his skin, which mine only went to be soled and heeled last Tuesday, or I show them to you as a proof of hae So when f talk of steam, I think of may ride on 8 por. fn » Which I have never told anyone before, and don’t fancy I id anybody likely to listen to me again. Good day, Sir.” Good day!” And I "pondering. over the’ strange weird sat adventures encountered by men of the sea, just as other guests didn’t sit, but stood up and about, profanely wondering why the the t) my git, wothiay al been simultaneous with ce of their umbrellas and walking-sticks ! THE AMATEUR YACHTSMAN. A Nautical Song of the Period, - But please understand I ne’er lose sight of land, Though hardier sailors are railing. If only the ship, that’s the Yacht, wouldn’t dip, And heel up and down and roll over, And wobble ebout till I want to get out, I’d think myself fairly in clover. ~~ you! my craft, though the wind is abaft, i stagger when meeting the ripple Until a men feels both his head and his heels , Revessed os if Sull.of Set . n vain my blue serge seas we emerge, 1 cate haep ten bean and Cel ge” bgi* can’t keep my le out for ** 4 Of rum, or of coun and brandy. A Yacht is a thing, they say, fit for a king, And still it is not to my anes My short pedigree does not smack of the Sea,— T can’t poso.a bit like a Vikin % It’s all very well when there isn’t a swell, But when that comes on I must le And go down below, for a bit of a blow Upsets my un-nautical noddle, Britannia may rule her own waves,—I’m a fool To try the same game, but, believe me, Though catching it hot, oy to give up my “ Yot” Would certainly terribly me. You see, it's the rage, Amateur Stage, Or Coaching, Lawn-Tennis, or Hunting ; So, though 1’m so queer, I go Yaehting each year, And hoist on the Solent my bunting. Strictly Impartial. A Casvat Correspondent sends us the following extract from the Gloucester Citizen :— “ Lovrsa SanpErs, of Mitre Street, was charged, &c., &c.—P.C. Cutrrs proved the case, and was sent to prison for seven days.’’ We omit the particulars against Louisa Sanpers, as, whatever it was, the unfortunate Policeman Carrps had to suffer for it. In fature he will think twice before proving a charge. Sucerstion For Covent Garpew Promenape Concent Paro- GRAMME.—Onut of compliment to the vicinity of Mud-Salad Market, play the Overture to Muck-beth. Pity that to conduct it you haven’t Signor Coster. got a second a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Avousr 29, 1995 Mi! { iW i i i } | \ i WHO WOULDN’T BE THE IRREPRESSIBLE TOURIST. ** On, where shall we go?” That's the annual cry Of your regular commonplace Tourist. Then why s oo — of Le mad oe raise it ? right thorough-going, untiring globe-trotter, No poor Paterfamilies he just to potter, No "Anny whose verdict is “‘ Margit’s my motter!” No Matron long balanced ’twixt colder and hutter. The world is hishome. He surveys it, Like Pistol of old, as his oyster, a thing To be opened up, prior to gulping. His fling aul tee aye ace Dee ttired, like a gentleman i air, In a suit of check dittos, the usual pair Of long-sighted lorgnons, perusing with care His guide-books and maps, take a look at him there As Autolycus sharp though—to doubt it who ’ll dare ?— _ With motives the highest and purest. Still, tf any small * unconsideréd trifles ” Of land lie about, which one’s rum and one’s rifles May help to “‘ snap up,”’ why, one’s scruples one stifles, Or how wi the wor In the race of land I The last in the field gst Ne prior possessor who lets his tongue wag, No “ harmless hidalgo” uplifting a flag, No friend of humanity—wanting a gag— Who prattles of right and ho A ey stop that ~~ goddess called * National Progress,” om prudes precisians regard as an ogress, Bat whose most majestical stride, = yo of ~ py s steady and sweeping as Hapnian's ** compasses.” Our Tourist looks forth far and wide, Like Little Billee from the main-top, and * spots” — ee sites, most ‘* desi ” lots, A harming “‘ sea-side resorts,” many snug “ building-plots, had boawe, with a confident sanile’ and G— ~ 4 ie i la li" ) i | | f} . v(; iif Hi Mn 4 | A} (\ i \ MSA 4 - por —- | ” A DRAWING-MASTER! A wink of the eye, ‘I’m prespestiog! I see There ’s still many a place will do nicely for me, Full many a land-nook as snug as can be, And many a tight little island. Where shall I go next? Well my excellent friends My reply to your query must be ‘ That depends!’ l have catholic tastes, and to further my ends I may have to be rather ubiquitous. I’m not at all greedy, you’ve all had your share. I come in for the scraps, what my neighbours can spare, Just a little bit here and a little bit there, Can anything be /ess iniquitous ?”’ Why no, to be sure, there is room for us all, To check the stout Teuton Jonn Bott has no call, But--those who are blindest are nearest a fall, And those who see sharpest securest. Trespass? A game he, of course, will not try on, And therefore won’t mind if the old British Lion Should keep a = friendly but vigilant eye on This most Irrepressible Tourist ! OUT OF THE WEY! Tur pretty little stream, the Wey, is, it appears, earning th name of ** the Styx of Surrey.” That isa pity. Many a disciple o old Izaax has many a happy hour watching the ‘‘ bobbing # | the ficat” in the bright river that meanders the Sarrey meadows—though sometimes that delightful **bob” is some epeilt by the neighbouring “‘ tanner,” with his ancient but not fsb ike (or fish-liked) savour. “ There were three jolly Anglers, they Went fisbing for the roach on the banks of the bys 6 And they went down to supper at the sign of the ‘ Parrot,’ And they had boiled beef without any carrot,” | pleasantly will there 54)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avovsr 29, 1885. \ . \ QA | cs NS | PAN Z/IBAR “—* i A | a | i YT ie pb Th, Fa ag THE “IRREPRESSIBLE” TOURIST. B-su-ncx. “‘ H'M!—HA!—WHERE SHALL I GO NEXT?”

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Avevst 29, 1885.] SEA-SIDE SEA COMING IN RAPIDLY. Onty Owe Horsz TO DRAG THEM ALL UP. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. PUZZLE. WHAT ARE YoU To po? “A ONE-GUNNER,” (By the Old Salt, Peter.) A boat with but a single gun Will be in a position To send a Minotaur, at one Long shot, to swift perdition. Right down she goes, all hands are lost, The waves abovethem whirling; And oh, my Lords, but count the cost ; Some half a million sterling! Oh, think of that, as you intend To strengthen ~~ N we Lest you build ships but todescen To Jones whom Jack names AVY. One im. e’en might test the act; Its f needs no haranguer ; Whether, as vouched for, ’tis exact, Or that bomb all a “ banger.” “Suiven my Timbers!” was, of J exer li ti AOK’s usual im on When wooden eulls taeet Eng- land’s shore ’Gainst every foreign nation. But heart-of-oak by 1ronclads Has since been su ; So now then, ‘‘ Pierce my Plates!” tight lads h , Sing out, when song is needed. For, with some poundsof dynamite, We're told, a shell, boys, loaded, When’ gainst a vessel fired aright, Is by the shock exploded. Slap, bang, the thickest armour- Coa’ A gap, through, crashes wide in. fore, if not ashore, afloat, May Jacx shout, “ Smash my Bide in!” JUST ANOTHER SNIFF, es, only *‘ strangers to the neighbourhood ” would be likely to visit wouldn’t come a second time inahurry. ‘On Sundays they would not know the place ”"—how could they, if they were * ?” But visit it during business hours, be there on any Friday night and Saturday morning, or on most mornings for the matter of that, and how the stranger will revel in the delights with which three out of his five senses will be regaled. How pleased he will be to be detained in this Garden of sweet odours by the tr f carts, specially if his Cabman has chosen this route as the shortest and quickest between anywhere and a Kailway Station. How full of charming excitement, too, is the attempt at landing at any of the Hotel-doors, and what a store of fun may be laid by for pantomime time from the presence of vegetableslides on the pavement. And on the ornaments of speech ! “The refuse of the market is swept up and carted away every evening,” says this same letter-writer to the Times. So it ought to be. But where is it carted to? Bedford Street ? Garrick Street ? and some of the other favoured streets round about, to await parochial action ? Mud-salad may be very nice for late breakfast or early lunch, but Mr. Punch, speaking from experience of having had it occasionally served up under his bold Roman nose, is inclined to fancy that a t liking for the es | must be quite an acquired taste. Luckily, Mr. Punch can “hold his own” anywhere, and he Lat regar his nose) on these occasions. Bet eons De Bett Bie yonse The Duke, we hear, is going to enlarge the —some of the old hotels are coming dowr. Good—but will the Garden diminish the nuisance? If fruit, flowers, les must be mixed, treble the space, and let the market be carried on under such conditions as will make one condition—its present one—im ble. There has been, we are glad to hear, some improvement. Fortunate indeed is it that thereis no ; but we can answer for one thing, in view of the letters we receive from “round and about that quarter,” that there are no end of * complaints.” it “ after business is over,” and Gnty A Cry from Kent.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 29, Nop | if WN TT hl B) i i! | HH Min Ni win | i \ J sili shalidhauitel' ti AH gt aa \" ] | ! : \ Bi an } ; { Oa ‘a a Me ew ibduueoda 4 4 2 oF, pony SIL LLL) LDP. FJ dubia a a NEW CAREER. [It would seem to be true, then, what we read in the Papers, about Lord Napier of Magdala and others concerting measures for the employment of Officers retired from the Army.] Visttor (at the Northsea Hotel’. “‘How 1s Tas, Warren! Can't I nave my Boors proreRty CLEANED HERE!” Waiter. ** Vaxy sonny, Srr, ‘Tax Boots’ BEING AWAY FoR His 'OLIDAY, THE Retizep GeneRAL OrFiceER——” Visitor (losing patience), ‘‘ ConFoUND THE GENERAL !—HE OVERCOOKED MY CHOP YESTERDAY—BEUT DOES HE CLEAN THE——” Waiter. ** Master says, Sin, as THE GENERAL 18 A RUININ’ OF Us !—He COMES "ERE WITH A FUS'-RATE RECCYMENDATION FROM Tee DookK—HE CAN'T WAIT AT TaBLE, ‘CAUSE BE WILL Talk '—Taen MasrTer Gives HIM THE PLATE TO CLEAN, BUT HE SCRATCHES THE Spoons an’ #POILs THE SILVER, AN’ NOW THERE'S YOUR Boors,”—(A crash is heard.)—‘‘ Tugrr, Siz! THe 'Aut-LamMp—I DO BELIEVE H&'s GONE AN’ BROKE——” | THE AGRICULTURAL QUESTION, Mz. Ponca, Sr, ; Severat of my friends and me has fost aot eaten Seo the fust time, and as we don’t know what on ab to do with ’em, we have all agreed to write to you, as the People’s true friend, to ask for your ' mapy pm anys ing round amon lite please ing of us that it ail depends eeath, andl sutbns on, whether we are uch better off than we was afore I LEFT HIM A SORUBBIN’ [ Rushes off ! | Kune has tried a experiment on a Farm in Wiltshire, which is some- | thing like this. He took a Farm of about 400 ‘acres, that was out of | cultivation, at about 18/s. per acre rent, and he let the Labourers choose two of their number to |} the Farm with his Bailiff, he stocked the Farm for them, and he told them that the first cha on the Farm should be their wages, and second charge should the rent, and the third charge should be a fair interest on the cost of stocking the Farm, and that anything left should be divided among them; and at the end of the year they each of them received seven den epvensiens, and each had his goose for Michaelmas Day! And has since taken another Farm to be managed on the same terms. And he says that the whole secret of his success lies in this one fact: that ‘‘no man will work for a master as he will work for himself. And we all says, one and all, that truer words was never spoke b mortal man! It’s common sense and it’s human nature. We believe that men don’t do it in any other condition of life, and why should Agricultural Labourers at say 14/s. a week be ex to set a sort of angelic example to all the rest of the world? We say at once that they don’t, and we may as well add that they won't. Now then, Sir, we wants you to tell us whether we can trust that what these two gentlemen tells us is true. ist. Whether if we votes for Squire he will, by getting a tax on Foreign corn and meat, get our wages raised higher than the increased price we shall have to pey oP cer haus ene sent ond bow. 1 a or stranger gent, we 6 ever have opportunity of so im- proving our tion, by getting, besides our a share of what the land will produce in consequence of our er and heartier and willinger labour, as our lives much more worth living than they are now, by the knowledge that we shall have something 10

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~ Avausr 29, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 17.

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THE INS AND OUTS AT THE SPEAKER’S LEVEE. A RETROSPECT.

look forward to at the end of every year, which would most likely | similar conditions, can do, the Stranger, if elected, will, it is to be enable us to put by a few pounds for a rainy day. hoped, imitate the example he has praised so highly, go and do We are told that though you devote yourself principally to fun | likewise. and good-natured chaff, that on serious matters you can be as| If, therefore, your inquiries lead you to place implicit trust in the serious as Parson himself, and this is a very serious question indeed | Stranger, then there can be no question as to which way your true for thousands of us poor fellows, which we ask you to be kind enough | interest should prompt you to vote. _ 7 to answer, Signed for self and friends, (Signed) PaNcH. A AGRICULTURAL LABOURER. 85, Fleet Street. Mr. Punch’s Reply. Fettow Lasourgrs! Mem. for Holiday Makers. _ Mer. Ponce is much pleased that you should have sought his Do you wish London waifs shall, for a season, advice under the peculiar eirsumstances in which you are placed. Pag bypeed med ny tm be sunned ? . Mr. Punch ese ws mere Party Politics. But your questions soar Lose no time then in dispatching —in reason— into a far higher region, namely, the consideration of the com Unto “‘ Tar Curtpren’s Country Hotrpay Fun.” tive prosperity and contentment of the millions of men who devote Mr. Samvet A. Bazyert, will 1 their lives to the cultivation of the soil of our beloved country. An Am persuaded take your with delight ; ar nary Jadgegencrally declines to give his reasons for his judgment, So to No. 1 in Adam Street, Adelphi, but as Mr. unch is one Judge from whose decisions there is no Let each kindly children-lover send his mite. al, he gives his unanswerable reasons for his irrevocable J ist. If not only your Squire, but all the Squires in the United Kingdom were to’ be A, Members of Perligueat, they would be , Oddo and Even. utterly unable to put a Tax upon the Food of the People without} Ir was wired from Christiania that Mr. Gtiaperone had arrived at creating a revolution. Odde, and visited the ‘Sjaggedalafors.” | What is the pronu or ire’ i is word in N. As She Is rv ; be our Squire’s statement is mere bunkum, and is not therefore to e this word in cotweges mo 5 Spoke ery soueanang. ere Dae tt ee reins ane expe G, reason believe in its truth. Bal ae dict be ies Gene, cee, ender ————

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—_—__ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Auousr 29, 1888, ———_ So thought old Epexiweiss, a learned Teuton, FITZOOTTEREL ; Who made heredity his favourite study. OR, TOTHER AND WHICH? — once eee moors to one = a is powers of miss, his visage round and ruddy, (By the Earl of L-tt-n.) His learning, worthy of Laptace or Newton “ Supposing I was you, And a sweet knack of brewing whiskey-toddy, Supposing you was me, Endeared him so to the then heir, Lord Romy, And supposi I wonder eve both was somebody else, That ever afterward the two loved chummily. J we chould be. Between his love for Romitty, and his yearning Cayto I.—Porssons D’Avrit. To see his philsosophic theories verified, . Bory on the first of April were they both, Epe.weiss halted. Strange that Love and Learning My—may I call them heroes ? tale’s threshold Antagonise. The Teuton was quite terrified Presents a stumbling-block. I should be loth To feel his curiosity keen and burning To seem invidious ! May one fiction’s mesh hold (By self-reproach’s flagellation scarified) Two heroes ' Is Romance + law of growth To learn if RoMILLY too would hang, contend Thus violated? Let me take a fresh hold With his affection for his ‘‘ noble friend.” i i And now that point was settled. Romitty’s throat . Caught by, a anes et een ! “ . a DELWEIss dropped a tear, an e a note ; wy ttt Sep A (Huinanity is made of mingled stvff.) Look ward usiness 1’ In that same hour the Lady Gi_paGRoaT ed a oe ea hy — Gave birth to a new heir. The Teuton tough Of that sort. I would emulate Byrén. Murmured ‘‘ Ach Himmel! Hope grim fate {mayn’t : Pres pother trouble ’em. _, , dmg 5 -E ° But Donnerwetter !—this renews the problem !”’ That masterpiece. Youll see it in the sequel. It did, and in a complicated form ; os For that same night, in the same Inn, was born ROS en Another boy! A frightful thunderstorm WHietLecraFr’s wit shall be eclipsed this time Broke o’er the town. The Nurses, who had torn Beppo, old Pouct’s Mirgante Maggiore : The infants from their cradles snug and warm, Will not be in it. The idea’s sublime Hid in a cellar! On the following morn But somehow in the course of a long story They sallied forth, cheeks pale and wild eyes fixed. The Muse is apt to get a little murky For in their fright the babies had got mized ! In meaning, and in measure somewhat jerky. “ Nag stock Saye the ++ a, : ; id scope y. yes; but a romance is like a a 2; —— — ———— Not in the ingredients the skilled art lies, 4 Tart epi and transcendental trene : But in the mixing. Novel, Play, Bab-Ballad Andi I sometimes get into a a : Of this most commonplace of mysteries With limping-lame line-endings, still I hope Have made their use; I felt that I a call had > eatin: a lene, aut a encom To show how Genius handled it. 1’m twitted Of novel-writing oa this seed ena, With——( Here two hundred stanzas are omitted ! As with the Government of Hindostan. True, they are full of fine mized lore ; they hop . Whe : From Civopatra’s cheek to ZoROASTER, i aioe Slip from Biology to learned Borr, (That’s new and striking) when death hovered low ut Genius, though 0° many things a master, Betwixt two cradles and a single bier. Seems ignorant of one thing—twhere to stop. Old Janua Vite had been huffed, and so For one small edifice of lath and plaster His mood was at the moment rather queer. Ten miles of scaffolding sense should not ask, He has a temper, Mors, and if you vex it So here the scissors ply their needful task.) He’s very apt to hurry on your exit. But to resume. FirzpoTreRret’s fated heir Ts: : : And an old German Socialist’s last son, ee =~ Nn , Both born in the same hour, a storm, a scare !— Politeness costs you little—'tis his whim, . Sure, here’s material for mystery, fan, , Ave, te salutamus Thanatos ! And high romance! Well, all shall have their share . ie ds As well I hope to prove ere I have done om a oe Ney om : Say, in six books and seven hundred pages, Know that—in verse—you can't get through a story (Cut down at times, like trees or workmen’s wages !) Without some Latin and much ere. Death is like Woman, wanton and capricious, In fact J think those artists medieval Gur O44 Waimbicdea. In making Mors a male were injudicious. Norice to Competrrors.—* Interiors and Exteriors, No. 16.” Mighty is Art, but one must not receive all The term for guessing the names of the figures in this “‘ pictorial Its types and figures, howsoe’er delicious, key,” expired on Saturday, the 22nd, inclusive. The result of the Without investigation. I believe all shooting will be duly announced, and the prize awarded for the most The naughty tricks rw the Human successtul shots. Confirm my theory—that ’sa Woman! One of the babes above referred to sprang A Hovr.—The Shipowners of all nationalities have made a repre- | From an old race with this peculiarity ; sentation to their several Ministers in Egypt with respect to the It was its changeless destiny to Hang '— light-dues at present levied by the Egyptian Government. Surely, A most unenviable racial rarity. ‘ , they ought to be satisfied with light dues, unless they can get them | It seemed a gallows shame—that sounds like slang !— et lighter. But better leave well » For one may say, with no great stretch of charity, Scarce more than half of them entirely merited The dismal destiny they all inherited. Ovr Jor Cuampertarin—Partner Joz—is still bent on saving life Many an old FrtzporrerkEt no doubt at sea. He must get his facts all right, or he’ll find himself at sea, to dance on nothing, and exhibit which we should much regret. To him will be applied that line about His struggling form, amidst the Mob’s mad shout, the sheer hulk, Zom Bowline, and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN will be On Tudor seaffold or on Georgian gibbet ; as ‘‘ The darling of his screw.” But caught like Apsotom? lassoed by a scout ? Choked by a necktie which had charmed Beau Trzner ? These—all endings—seemed to be Wat intimate connection is there between the Lungs of London f Exceedingly bad jokes of Destiny ! and the Lights of the Metropolis. ae _- ern ER Re te ty TE — fer ee @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—Is no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless sscsompanied by = Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS, should be kept by the Sendars.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Avovsr 29, 1885. CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT We Gall ; 60s. the Dos Cannison Pas. eer Ontr. RICKD. MATHEWS & ot 92 and 94, Albany Street, Londen, W. Ma ns Ha ey ns? spats to fadla—COTLER, PaLaes, & 08, CHAMPAGNE. TISSOT FRERES’, Virtaes 1890, 57s. and 66s. per Dosen. Le scorns, LIBERTY & CO., ee Gardens, Charing Cross. “VERY rao fall flavor 4 and Geos Spirit. "—Jarors’ A ward, Philadel ntennia!l Exhibition, 1876, “JNQUESTION ABLY as fine 4 specimen as one could wish to see.”— Jurors’ Award, Cork Exhibition, 1663. THIS FINE OLD IRISH tnt Begios and mpi Bho. , LIMITED, Morrison's Island “The National Table Waters.” ELLIS’S RUTHIN WATERS ‘Ansoturety Poss.” REGISTERED. EstaBLisHEep 1825, Soda, Potass, Seltzer, I ade, A ti Ginger Ale. For Gout: Lithia Water, and Lithia and Potass Water. ASK FOR ELLIS’S. Sotp EverywHenrs, SOLE ADDRESS—R. ELLIS & SON, RUTHIN, NORTH WALES. London Agents: W. BEST & SONS, Henrietta Street, Cavendish Square. GANGSTER & CO., Umbrella pie te —_ Queen ots Koya Family, pave this sea-on a fobs sce "PARASOLS and SUN UMBRELLAS, na and colours, compri- samira rincess” En Tous Cas for Fétes, Flower Races. eee and Regent . M4, Fleet Street. 7 , Cheapside. 1, Exchange. NB sel LY jas from 84. 64. ‘THE NORMAL DIURETIC APERIENT GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, 164. | I i; the IBERTY| E MEDAL mt WHISKY. ff Creed saa ai | HOP BiT TERS: THE CORK DISTILLERIES 9 1BRAREORD a ieisan, yor COMPANY, ORKSHIRE, azoisrznep | Will, om receipt of letter or card, ae yeas eer eshenea yi som H P BIT TERS. FROM SEAWEED AND CLYCERINE FIELD’S SAMPHIRE SOAP. A BSIXPENNY Lr ee BQUALS TWENTY A-B. Samphire Soap contains Kuc ssiyetel, and leaves & » | Glm of this delightfully refreshing and cooling balm _ | om the Skin after use. Miniature Tabiets can be Inventions Exhibition, Western Annexe. - | Of all Chemists, Grocers, and Italian Warehousemen throughout the world. J. C. & J. FIELDS GOLD MEDAL OZOKERIT CANDLE MANU- FACTORY, LAMBETH, 6.8. b- | Inventions Exhibition, Gold Medal, Highest Award, ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as ee to H.M. War Department. alted COLTS poste st sein fa and ors HOUSE pape rae he thease ao mel ition hort or Hop "BITTERS. i VASE Pe we t WW > TO BE OBTAINED EVERYWHERE. Manufectured by JOHN GOSNELL & CO. London. “A Perfect Frisette in Ten Minutes.” HINDE’S Hair Curling Pins InNGLETS ‘USED COLD. oy ore rr oti than « rari London Sample Room, 1, City Road, #.C whepeer ¢ of Messrs. Hime, Bi rmingha am and BEWARE "of knavish imitations, whi ch. are abso- lutely useless frauds, prosecuted. 8 hua G0 INEANTS THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS ihe NOG nT Vendors will be rigorously 1884 MELLOR’S SAUCE © and ER, for the V. onl TRINA, orth test packer aka tia ee SPE. eta COLTS FIREARMS Co. 4, Pall Mall, London,8.W. I DINNER, ‘soi, AND PASSENGER LIFTS, CLARK, BUNNETT —& 00, Rathbone Place, W aad Hy viking St , London, B.C. PRosPkctUsks FRER. REVOLVING STEEL SHUTTERS, ( BRANDAUFR&(" POINTEDPEND Write as smoothly as @ lead pencil, and neither scratch nor spurt, the points Solas cay oe rounded wens rocess. Six Prise edais awarded. mple Box, 64, of any Stationer, ramet a to C. Buanva ven & Co.'s Pen Works, Birmi Mono GOLD MEDALS—DUBLIN, 1883; BOSTON, 1863 ; LONDON (INT. EXHIBITION), 18 Sik JAMES MURRAY'S FOR ACIDITY, INDIGESTION, HEARTBURN, GRAVEL, AND GOUT. FLUID MAGNESIA. The Inventor’s Pure Original Preparation. ls, Hotties almost Double usual size. 61 rhe uve Monaat & Son, Temple Street, Dublin. y & Sons, Farringdon Street, London. x BRILL’S SEA tid. per Bath SALT, Invigorating and Refreshing. Borwicksi BAKING POWDER STERLING SILVER. ELECTRO SILVER. TABLE KNIVES. SPOONS AND FORKS. WHOLESALE PRICES. CATALOGUES FREE. MAPPIN & WEBB, MANUFACTURERS, MANSION HOUSE BUILDINGS, E.¢.; and OXFORD ST., W.; LONDON. Manufactory—Sheffield. Ip row Fue t be Wall, F4 Wru — bd Speed ao ~ ee earvhy BRAGG’ § ton, ae. tao ar tion, &¢. It destroys all diconas germs, and from VEGETABLE — ecFving all fmpuritinn CHARCOAL E2285: CHOLERA, syPECm, and all MALIGNANT FEVERS. ie, 4s., and 66. per bottic, of all Chemists EPPS’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTINC. COCOA. “FOR THE BLOOD 18 THES LiFe.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. Je warranted to cle ance the biog from s Hinge ritie from whetever cause arte _y ee Seren ef ot Made, hkin and hood Dassapes, nite « fe ks are par “Thousands of Testimonials from a1) _ ach, and in ca-es of cr we gua. vite, ‘each ta Chemis as for %3 or ue Lancotm ame Mine Cote bees Courant, Lincoln. | HIGHE ST. Sa AWARD } as Ait | "A Nas H EALTH| EXHIB" 1884) aa OS Seer ao Ce asad

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Avovser 29, 1885.

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PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. The FOURTH Iilustvated by CHARLES KEENE, Sc. ROBERT; % dirnter Oe." Price One Shilling. pee se? S 8, @ 10, BOUVERIE 5T., EC EDITION of eS ia me, EX EET. a WWI iM e - as ul ijivinln ammo) VOLUME EIGHTY - NINE. —se— SEPTEMBER 5, * T 7 i I SCC EL ae a i Tat AY of Cie Sy tf, 2 il { ia! Ry - \e I» PAI agit”, | ail Nh Se i PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. v NTAINING all the WaverLey Nove s, and a complete collection of Six \ . TH E HA N DY-VO LU M E tg oe Scotr’s Poetry, mee : oe volumes are adorned with frontispieces illustrations representative of the best known Scottish scenery, or of places which the genius of the poet hae made famous. IN “” (NOVELS. compete. (POEMS, Price One Shilling ; or in Extra Cloth, Price Shilling and A cada “3 Crimson extra gilt . £23 3 0 French . -. 6. aooe Turkey Morocco, or Russia 9 10 20 80 fo) 46 elegant little volumes, The 1 \ S33¥HL J390INd ‘“SON3d \

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Szpremsze 5, 1885. THE CORNHILL MAGAZINE for SEPTEMBER. Price Sixpence CowrTer rs »~ Royal. FP e thor “ion aprring, 4 weteah,” s iiooe 1xt to XXIV 0 trated by G da Meurier Impreestons of Holland Im the Pit of & Theatre Fireworks at Home an4 Abroeé@ The Automaton Chess-Player bristle Merray. Book London: Sur pen, & Co., 16, Waterioo Place. A NEW GIFT BOOK. The Volume for 1985 of THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE is now veady. A handsome Volume, consisting Oo 80 pages, and containing nearly (OO Woodeuts, price Right Shillings. PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED. Price SIXPENCE, by Post EIGHTPENCER. THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MACAZINE Por SEPTEMBER, 1885, contains— 1. The Birthday. Mngreved by ©. Streller, from = b eee by Mrs. Alma Taduma. Frontis A Family Afaic emniates _ By Hugh Conway (Aathe *Onlled Hack” Onine- Making at Secbe-ce treat By Bernard ker, With Liastration By 4 Senet the Desk Shadow pronstated). Andrée bio 5 Three Roundels Poems By W. F. B 6 The Great Fen ws femuel H. Miller, With Iilustrations by R. W. Meebeth, A. R.A 7 ba 5 Sirens, ‘Taree concluded By Walter ations, MACMILLAN & ©0., LONDON — and STUTTERERS Shout med o ae book wreiaen by Mr. B. Be whe CURED us ELF, aflec_sufferin tov mene than Tris « Green Bank Mouse, Hall Gusen, near Birmingham Free for 13 stamps MADDOCK’S OLD ENGLISH LAVENDER WATER. “No more desirable seent exists.” ONE 6GHILLING YER BOTTLE, OF DRAPLRS AND CHEMISTS. Whalesale only, DEBENHAM & FREEBODY, 7, GUTTER LANE, E.C. DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY or rae STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. ALL Curmierts. ALL ELEGANCE & « COMFORT, NOES DRES! fais TILE o © led 4 ANNUAL CONSUMPTION 25,000,000 Ibs. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 82 PRIZE MEDALS. SAMUEL BROTHERS respectfully invite applications for PATTERNS of their NEW MATE- RIALS for the Present Season. These are for- warded post free, together with the ILLUSTRATED PRICE LIST, con- taining 250 En- gravings, illustra- ting the most becoming and fashionable styles of Costume for the = e wear of Gentle men, Youths, Boys, and Ladies. SAMUEL BROTHERS, MEKCHANT TAILOKS, OUTFITTERS, &e., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpon, E.C. ADAMS’S FURNITURE POLISH. THE OLDEST AND BEST. “Tus Queex” (the as ey! psrerom “ feels no hesitation in a Bold by Grocers, Lronmongers, Oilmen, &c. Manufactory— VICTORIA PARK, SHEFFIELD. 1884 Fahy e Coy ey ees THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS SAVORY & MOORE, LONDON & OF CHEMISTS &e EVERYWHERE’ SE & he Q a Fe Co) ___ breathes a fragrance, SWEET SCENTS | LIGN-ALOE. OPOPONAX/ FRANGIPANNI. PSIDIUM 2 May be obtained y +, 1Y¥ any Chemist or “> Perfumer. CONDYS FLUID “The best Disinfectant known to Science.” The Times. CONDY’S FLUID Makes no Smell. CONDY’S FLUID is Not Poisonous, CONDY’S FLUID, the Only Purifier for Cisterns. CONDY’S FLUID, the Only Cheap and Agreeable Disinfectant. BRILL’S SEA 13d. per Bath SA a Invigorating and Refreshing. S 7 SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. COLLINSON & LOCK and JACKSON & GRAHAM. The UNITED FIRMS will produce FURNITURE AND DECORATIONS Of high artistic character and the soundest workmanship, such as the educated taste of the present day demands, and at prices that wil] meet the requirements of all classes. The cheapest Furniture supplied will be as carefully finished and in as good taste as the higbest-class productions of their workshops. 68 to 80, OXFORD STREET, W. EXCEEDS CLUB EASY CHAIRS ANj DIVANS. MANUFACTURED By HOWARD & SoKs 26, BERNERS STREET, W. | DESIGNS ON APPLICATION. OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMIC, FIRST-CLASS HOTEIS IN THE KINGDoy BROOCHES _BLACKCOCK CLAWS. Birds shot in the Highlands of Govt 4, I mounted as Krooches in Gold er « and sect with Scotch Cairngorms. In Gold, Me. a: in Silver, 12s. 64. Post Office Orders payabie : JAMES AITCHISON 8, PRINCES STREET, EDINBURGH CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILE (PATENT). Por all of weak digestion. Always available as a Restorative and delic- ous beverage. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILE (PATENT). For the Invalid. No digestion required. For Weakly Children and Convaiescents Delicious in coffee or tea. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILI (PATENT). By using exclusively this form of milk, risks of infection, inseparable from use of ordinary milk, are entirely svoidet. SAVORY & MOORE, NEW BOND STREET, LONDON. Tins, 2s. 6d. each, obtainable everywhere, COLD MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, 1384. M°CALL’S PAYSANDU OX TONGUES. FIVE COLD MEDALE Borwicks BAKING POWDER FOR CAKES, PASTRY & PUDDINGS 8 on any addreas in the United A list of leading Agents sent on J. & 51, gta SCHWEPPE Berners Street, Londoa We © e’s GINGE | @©AbIEe A SODA WA POTASS WA oy WATER, 8s. 6d. per Doz. MALVERN SELTZER, 4s. 64. per Dow (Exclusive of Bottles.) CPS a | | | | j |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 109

sersuper 5, 1885.)

LONG SHOTS. By Dumb Crambo Junior. es Ne Wow are 708 O18 Cock >>, _ tf = Young Birds are very forward.

vot ®t y os add Sor) ca tater e739 Ones >? LO Nee.

THE TOURIST IN TOWN. HE MYSTERIOUS PENINSULA IN THE ST. JAMES’S PARK. History of its Past. — From my childhood I had watched spot with awe. In maturer years I had heard that it was the ¢ of all sorts of wild animals—the am of the English matisation ty. A friend of mine told me (he was a ber of the Couneil, or some ) that the presents to the dis- uished Association to which he the honour to belong had ushed down and down until, at last, the wholeof the ‘“‘exhibits” in is that new blood , to speak, matey the bods ~ ‘the Ww 80 was into e t of Bongorpoor (I cannot vouch for the exact name) sud enl ating the Institution with a man-eating tiger. It at this point that my friend was wert ney aber Cavalry) thought it i resign. So I lost the thread ue peninsular » ll what of the Aculi- ion Society, or Rajah . an tiger. "4 mit of the Place.—It was ed by water, save where poy mus of lawn joined it to the mainland. I tried toenter They were locked and padlocked. I oonld see in the ' & pretty cottage covered with the most luxuriant creepers, tly by rails and gates. ow how was no it by land. Then I looked round rds withinee it was defended. the south was the Horse its two quaint pieves of ordnance and of Caval Foot. On the west, in support, I noticed Wellington Survedke, (he t to not became of Bongorpoor, or last, but not least,

As I passed that Home of the Soldier I had seen a gallant band of Volunteer Commanders going through a mimic battle, eh the assist- ance of about two dozen and a half of Second Coldstream Guardsm I had also watched a very energetic Captain of the Reserve Officers doing absolutely marvels in the of company drill with the aid of two ants, four privates, three i ’ Were the Bier wenn. in danger, the assistance ** military ” could be secured en. of ‘to discover the character ei tie a oS eo save a c w e P I had seen « similar chimney at the Woking Conetery, and the chimney there was attached to a Crematorium! Was the chimney in the Peninsula in the St. James’s Park used for a similar ? I thought of the full-sized man-eating tiger, and wondered any poeierepere had been sacrificed. The remains of the tiger's meals could not be buried without infri a statute dealing with London Churchyards, so perhaps the ium been utilised to cheat of his fees that useful functionary Coroner. Traces of the Acclimatised Animals,— Leaving the terribly sug- goctive cbimney for the moment, | carefully examined the lawn in tofthe peninsula. Tomy relief I found that the Storks had escaped. There were three of them looking very white and scared, but still alive. They seemed to have had some terrible experience that had turned their feathers from coal to snow in a single night. And it appeared to me (it might have been only the effect of my heated imagination) that they could if they wished ‘‘a tale unfold” of the fate of the luckless Elk. What had become of that animal? Had it fallen a victim to the man-eater ? On the Trace of the Tiger.—I seated myself on a bench beside a little who was reading a Feeling rather like Mr. Henry Irvine in the Dream of Eugene Aram, I asked him a question. ‘Have you heard,”—I said, pleasantly, for I wished to conciliate the Jad,—‘* have you heard that that enclosure con’ a tiger?” ... got dp terror, lees at me es g me ged et o doubt uestioned my sanit saeaees was a room in then Sanatorium ” at Virginia ater, and the business-like bounty of the late Professor Hottowary, of happy Pili and Ointment memory. I could not tell him I was merely an explorer g to clear up a very painful mystery. An Expedition on the Lake.—I determined upon sensing the peninsula by water. I noticed a deserted boat-house absolutely covered with heavy foliage. Ina few minutesI was paddling a canoe and moving to the south. Some vigorous strokes, and, leaving the many Arrays and ’Arerers disporting themselves on the water behind me, | prepared to shoot the Suspension Bridge. As usual, that scientific structure was lined with schoolboys ready to scoff and pelt those who passed beneath it, I set my teeth, ducked my head,—and was clear! A few pebbles fell plashing into the lake near me as I , but soon I was within measurable distance of the land of my search. Again I vi y my frail craft until, with ascranch, it was brought toa stop by an obstruc- tion in the water. The pent was Possible Solution of the My .—As I occurred to me that this place Ranger's shooting. Every Park has its St. James’s is no exception. Who was the who exult in ‘‘ big game.” Immediately I called to mind a most Exalted Personage who would be as destructive as a at a dozen yards with a pistol. Why should not this Exalted Personage have used the peninsula for dangerous sport? Armed with an air-gun and dressed in chain-armour, such a person would have been irresistible. [ put to myself a couple of questions, having the same answer, which answer, it will be seen, pointed directly to a solution of the mystery. 1. Who was the bravest of the brave, a General in the British Army, and one ever ready to do a deed of daring f <P 2. Who was the only man in England likely to engage a tiger in combat single-handed ? eat Those were the Questions, and the Answer (as everyone ve sed)—H.R.H. Prince Cunistiaw of Schleswig-Holstein! Could it be that the most pictureeque part of the Gardens dedicated to St. James was closed to the Public to afford « veteran sonof Hzx MaJesty a happy hunting- ? Or to fall from the Sublime to the Ridiculous, the Poetical to the Probable, was the Mysterious Peninsula “ railed off,” to give pleasant quarters to a meritorious park-keeper ? Rhyme by « Radical Anti-Woman’s Rightist. Give Spinsters a Vote? How the Tories will smile! A Miss—we are told—is as as a mile; But at least, as a focus of A Miss is as good as « (Primrose) ! The Chimney and its Uses.—ThenI rom afar off. The shrub

VOU. LXEXIx. L

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Szrremnzn 5, 18a, THE NEW ELYSIUM. yr Ms Yy Kiassame m Yj Wher, So said my Cicerone, slec “Is it not heavenly ?” But what is that strange smell in all y remark le look. What airs, what attitudes ! You ’re here as safe as Noau in his Ark. Hygeia is not ‘in it’ with these latitudes. There is not any ailment you can start, amazing place, seek with prompt velocity, whispered me—in “*Tt’s all a diddle!” There everybody rushed at | with cash, If it’should hap that you need to bc rrow, And if involved,by speculation rash ; In any species of financial sorrow, You only had to wave a postage-stamp As signal of distress, as an old party, May wave the bulky and ’Bus-hailing Gamp, And philanthropic folk, with zeal most hearty, Rushed to your rescue in a perfect crowd, And placed unbounded wealth at your disposal. ‘* Ah! here,” my Guide exclaimed—his voice was lout= ‘* Men are all friends who upon earth are foes Here Communism of the truest kind, The confidence of man in man as brother, (Upon his simple note of hand) you’ll find, - Which shows how much they must love one another: Yet over all there hung that smell of paste Which struck me as a sort of nasal riddle ; And still that whisper came——in diction ** It’s all a diddle!” There ovens Drama was a “‘ huge success,” A “ mighty masterpiece ” was each new Novel ; ay | - idle ook eae would press, Ci The pray all ous cael A of Was well Fulfilled, as public By free display of genius and bare beauty.

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Sarrausrn 5, 1886.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL lll » Singer trod the beast Bas had a voice wondrous sweetness astounding compass, ~ which the een a | would rejoice, penmen morn by morn raise a great rumpus. Ot there, whilst sweet as nightingales, Were every bit as plentiful as sparrows, Here,” said my Guide, ‘‘ no Writer ever fails, We're proof against ill Fortune’s slings and arrows. in everything attends our li Immense, un woh tps fm st there—’tis quite beyond al/ adjectives ! ” “tated | onl te ares eratitying |" — et over all there hung that smell of paste, Which struck me as a sort of nasal riddle ; ol oil that whigper comn—Se Sites “it’s all a diddle!” here houses were all high and rents all low ; Garments absurdly cheap and ever-durable ; here you could make a fortune at a blow ; There early baldness and bow-legs were curable ; here ultimate perfection was attained In everything, from bicycles to braces ; here cheapest aid might readily be gained To mend at once your fortunes or your faces. here you could drink cheap wines and not be ill, There you could smoke cheap “‘ weeds” that were not nasty. nd yet that land was eated still By that strange smell, stale, trating. ty. io this ultra-roseate seeim,” I eric, “ Of cheap perfection in Life, Love, Art, Liquor P hy is it redolent on every side of a a: — pe te | mee ? What does yon pic ing g' imply ? What by yon picture of & monster shirt is meant ?” Ha!!” shrieked my Guide, and rolled a frenzied eye, “ This is the new Elysium—of ADVERTISEMENT ! ” nd over all there hung that smell of paste, No longer to my nose a nasal riddle ; ad still that er came—in diction chaste— **Tt’s all a diddle! ” mm 5, 18a5 A WHOLESOME CORRECTIVE. “ Love me, love my dog,” is an injunction very difficult oobey when the master happens to be a selfish ‘‘man,” and the dog a dat s‘‘servant.” Constable Joun Nicaorson, ho had his a ee bull- t, belonging to an Ivy- publican, natural! xpected sympathy, and even compensation from the dog’s such by calling on the bumptious owner of the biting brute to pay the certainly not excessive of taanty-ave In street parlance, this bably made the jocular . to laugh on the other a see fhurls who too often consider Tt" first-rate fun” to see erocious or injure other le. Dogs ie delight to bork andl Ue ete monn excused on old 7 Sed fact nee gatare to." Bast that cannot mitted in extenuation of thei sometimes at least equaliy brutal owners. — * louc= l, To what Bass Uses! for a Atuvn Bass is said to consider that the best thing or country is a weak Conservative Government. inether authority has assured us that ‘‘ to be weak is to miserab — A state of in which the Conser- Jone ‘son the Treasury should be continually in in pulling chestnuts for the Liberal Monkevs Opposition, may seem @ sort of ideal Utopia to Sir a Bass. To Mr. Punch. and other patriots it meet yritden into intellectual and moral palsy, Fool's Parkins * Very contemptible and mischievous her!” | KEEPING ON THE SAFE SIDE. ‘*Awp so rr’s 4 Sonz Taroat ye 've cot, MADAM! AND HAVE YE EVER HAD ONE BEFORE!” “On yes, orrzn!” ‘* AND WHAT DID YE DO FOR IT, Now?” ‘‘Og, SOMETIMES ONE THING, AND SOMETIMES ANOTHER.” ** AND DID YE GET RID OF IT THAT Way!” “On ves!" “Tuen I'D JUST ADVISE YE TO DO WHAT YE’VE ALWAYS DONE, AND MAYBE . He ones, derision. Itis too often | YE ’LL GET RID OF IT AGAIN!” case that possessors of dogs consider 8 | ee om nc titled to allow them to become a public nuisance and danger, and even rudely, and sometimes violently, resent A SINGULAR SHOT. tapered "pete visti. — teh of me wee A Reminiscence of the Firet of September, assumption demands summary and severe disproof. | ‘I pow’r hanker much after gunning, but still I’ll go out on the First, 7. this petoaler case Mr. Punch is pleased to see Sir | If you'll warrant the seued cheer shan’t go off e, not burst. 1LLAM CHarLey did his share towards f | A sixteen-bore gun, or a twelve, do you sa’ F° What on earth do you mean ? As the former sounds bigger than twelve, why, my lad, you shall give me sixteen.” So he spoke, in the cheerfullest style; and I thought, ‘‘ He can’t shoot, but no 8: ? g But I wasn't prepared for the dangerous way that he showed me his wads! I hate your cantankerous man, who goes for a day’s sport and quarrels ; But, hang it, all day, Sir, I seemed to be looking down both of his barrels! Of the highest repute as a friend, he was hardly a champion shot, For he - ee contrived to disc his gun where the partridge was not : It is due to that man to say, for himself he had no craven fears, But I can’t state I cared for the manner his shot whistled close to our ears. It doesn’t increase your respect for a man when you find that he shoots Either just half an inch from your nose-end, or else in the earth round your boots ; And his gun had a trick which is common among inexperienced men, Of going off quite by itself in the friendliest way, now and then. He made a good bag, though, you bet, though his shooting was wayward and wild ; For he blew off the keeper’s coat-tails and he peppered a mother and child. Two dogs and three beaters he slew, which was rather too bad, you'll agree, And he ended by sending an ounce of his chilled No. 6 into me! That ended the day, for he seemed rather hurt at bis singular luck, And he helped me to pick out the shots from the part where his pellets had struck. And next time I'll go out by myself, as I’ve made my poor f Though he is not 6 dangerous man W he hasn’t a gun in his hand!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Sepremnre 5, al READINGS FOR THE RECESS. A MURMUR FROM ST. STEPHEN'S. Mz. Pouwca, Sie, 1 aprrat to you as ting not only civilisation in its best and widest sense, but also British Public. 1t is with the British Public that I am immediately concerned, - though civilisa- tion in its best and widest sense is indirectly affected. If you look at my card, Sir, you i notice that Iam a Member of Parliament— Sir, I am a ember of Par- Houend—weth a 'griev- "A iae to take up my . Speaker (I beg pardon: I should say Punch, but one 80 accustomed to to mak yn ea ex- planation. Sir, as ce rule, [am what ma called a “‘ Silent ber,” although in “the cause of justice I must admit that m hear!” has de- occupants ies’ Gallery have subsequently cntertniaed on the Ter- race) as ‘‘ very nice and — audible.” — me Ge “Hear! Declamation. sacred must add that I have reason for belief that ‘my my shout of “ “Order ! order!” is not without its terrors. , for of description, I may label myself “‘ A Silent Member.” And I wished to be a Silent Member, Mr. Spraxen,—I pl ie “yy the time arrived for electrifying the House b t speech on the Free Address Clause of the Parcels a, pS com Be = Bill. Sir, yas the end of the session my opportunity arose, and I was equal to it. The Parcels Post Amendment Bill was fixed for a Tuesday—seven days earlier I was down at the Constituency it is my pride and honour to represent, the Borough of Abe a my the-Brain. I sent for the Editor of the local to my interests. ““T have to apo , Sir,” he said, on his arrival at my hotel, “for being @ little late, but the fact is, I was arranging with an advertiser for a page in the Impartial. Ad- vertisers nowa- days are so ex- acting, and the prietor of the eversible Tooth - brush said he wouldn’t go into the jour- n unless we gave him a lead- ing article on the merits of his dition was im ible (as ted to a. Rio Dnenmnce Conpeny Lisoited as the commanding tion has been h a) ys ae igen ee miata pata ae was a perquisite of the Reporter.” “Quite so, but this is a matter of far Reversible Tooth-brushes.” And then 1 re t mas eve of making my great , and wanted it special] the Waterspout-on-the- Brain Impartia ** Couldn’t you give us a slip of it SSP ere the Lit ” we you did, you might correct it yo f in the ‘ We generally have a difficulty with the ‘ laughters’—we are ree devoid of humour at the office, and never give satisfaction wher anpertenes to find places for their proper insertion.” I agreed to send copy of the might have, so to speak, “‘ local co! bargained that the should visit Westminster, and on 3 delivery be present i ® Gallery. By special arrangement with a gentleman having entrée to the Press quarters, I had secured, for this occasion coeesian ap the admission of a personal representative. Having settled tig preliminaries, I will| set to work to peepee , ora- tion. had al- ready a vast amount of mate- rials—for years I had read nothing that had not assis me more or less in my task. Now it was an appro- priate sentence in & leading article, now a suggestive idea in a business circular, now a clever notion in a railway - table. The “stock” of my speech I found in the utterances of BuRKE Gratran, Prrt, and BEACONSFIELD, with here and there a word or two from PaLMER- stox. It was certainl a ver fine an thoughtful harangue, although I am bound to say that when | trd a portion of it on my wife, she seemed to consider it rather over th heads of the common herd; at least, I imagine that must have bea I} her opinion, as she told me “it might be very clever, only to het seemed simply gibberish.” The eventful evening came. I = early in the House to secuns ame es | Abandoning rato position on the extreme bed ches, I boldly left es t oa olen of vantage. Wha! started from the library (where to make a last reference), with “2 arms vai of books and authorities, I quite a sensation. Even the Speaker (who was on the point of wenens the chair) was startled, and the Serjeant-at- Arms unconscious! laid his hand upon the hilt of his sw I looked up anxiously to the Gallery, and been crowned with success, Representative of the Waterspout-on-the-~ Brain Impartial was in his place, or rather somebody else’s. The Minister in of the Bill performed his duty in a perfunc- tory manner. At length the moment arrived for me to move my amendment to the clause which was to hand down nal aes name » posterity as the patriot who the Parcels of the People ebeoleely 4 — addresses. My reception was complimen- tary vs not ms snare gratifying. instant to my feet there was a camped “No doubt it was generally Affectation. felt the foes to my proposal that my cleqnenee would be too much for them, and they fled that os might not be convinced st their will. T had, vo. to speak, whole House to myself the. - one fact—there was no one rg ee nye Piet Ke oy et I spoke for three-quarters of an hour, a almost w pathos, now my face wants with a aly fa ty lef he Hoan Ta a

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Serremper 5, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 113

, tomahawking, North American Indian lying in wait | w Borders. morrow the W the- Brain Impartial contained 0p 6 Miccisten flay teen sepa RT Pavan. ee, f P fe ¢ = \? N y, | Dit 8 \ . ti 1 y 4 G Wd, § Admiration. ¢ space, and was all that I could have desired. The Minister in of the Parcels Post Amendment Bill sank into in ce beak eme. I was the hero of the hour, the Naro.zon of the debate. I wish you could print it, but no Sir, if you did, it would occupy eg leased ¢ the report of my speech in the local journal, jry eae at the report of my s in the jo I hurriedly finished toilette and descended to the dining-room where I knew the the London dail Seay Dense was waiting for me. I took up the substantial 5 ym eagerly glan Ca at the Parlia. men Reports. I soon etre Post Amendment Bill. Yes, there it was, a lengthy transcript of the Minister’s re- marks, and then pee phe come a, Guttribetion to the debate. What! For a moment I pmmanke eyes! Even now my emotion, my indignation cannot * expre by words! Let the naked fact speak for itself! I subjoin The Report of my Speech in the ‘‘ Times,” “An Hon. Member moved an amendment, making addresses free, but found no seconder.” This happened cr bande? Justine I ag ae now as then! I leave myself in ee ty i Justice | “faeias Cicero Ports, M.P.

EASTEND-ON-MUD—*“ EDITION DE LUXE.” Tus favourite (Thames) quutering sess has recently been greatl enlarged and on The Local kg — other oon | body) have entrance yi which, if not exactly ‘a thing of beauty,” edtfioe,” ieasn ‘s joy for ever.” It is a most “i ey Sikely pve like a scientific a in ox ree it appears to be a calinetion of waiting-rooms. not very clear why this noble “building was ever erected. It seems too for a for the pier penny- ks sted that balng to as stables for the two Mazeppa- that belong to the tram-car. However, there it is, and permitting) no doubt there it will remain. It is a most ee addition to the sights of the place, being infinitely grander the town-pum j,But the more marked Peperanivers to ter tound in Sat push of bythe dosen Bede thse's grand Here new houses have risen e bp ree — these : —_ Yachting Club 7 pare one - conies windows sprang UP. as if U7 magic, ou < sat vinci high ground) is ime t um occu a cen’ = Thames Embankment. —— public-

then, in all sober seriousness, Southend-on-Sea must be a ver recleh by, leasant spot. The air at Eastend is simply d delightful tas a rose in June or a native o or i See. respectable, The grounds beside Fhe place is cheery and achting Club i open to the Dg on negment of various (ake

TENDER, IF TRUE. Tue excitement aroused through the ¥ B per of the Spenieh Peninsula by the ee yrs of the line Islands, has produced one obvious aM, If a oe caused Prince Bismakck ay ware, it has certainly made him handle this latest development of his Colonial policy with a little more care and consideration than he showed the Geamieeee lie tad tee the te =a ‘Seaniard, to be appeased wenn ge = + the ins not wi ‘erence to Books, or indeed to any books whatever, of rise to the German Chancellor ; as the subjoined extract from the close of a recent telegra omen ce will show, one that has not 5 1 vans its effect even on the comdiietion of the Man of Blood and Iron :— CONFIDENTIAL CORRESPONDENCE. I. Bismarck, Berlin, to Canovas del Castillo, Madrid. Your last note to hand. Also extracts from School Geogra' Goograghy describin —— Protectorate of Carolines, and extracts from French ical mm, e national braggadocio. Don’t affect me in the least. i yen ev apn tree, that’s not my business, Afraid you must manage to get os as best you can. we mean to stic the islands? Yes, we do. Il. Canovas del Castillo, Madrid, to Bismarck, Berlin. Your despatch, just received, has profoundly grieved and surprised me. Think of the proud Spanish Nation, with the traditions of cen- turies inspiring them, and reconsider favourably the evidence I have adduced to you. Believe me, the spirit of Ferprvanp and IsapeLia is a factor with which I have to reckon. I have no choice but to put the arsenals into defensive condition, and give instructions to the Admiral on the Station. Spain expects it of me. I may be up a tree, but Iam a Spaniard, and I cannot get down. Be generous. Be just. Obviate a catastrophe by at least a show of hesitation. It, Bismarck, Berlin, to Canovas del Castillo, Madrid. Well, you are cool, af ony 2 rate, ey , indeed! Talk to me of that when you have settled tar. You've no case, and no friends. Ergo, you ay 4 to the wall. However, I've no wish to force you there , A. at t moment. Send in in your t of eee statement in we mayn’t claim, after al). How would the ju suit you? ? Italy ? Monaco? — ‘od As to the “ spirit of Fenprvanp and Isaperra,” that is IV. Canovas del Castillo, Madrid, to Bismarck, Berlin. Spanish heart goes out towards you in gratitude. That you Res fi not press your claim is magnanimous. A mutual friend means arbitration. ‘This would be hazardous, Reflect. The proud Spanish Nation confident of emg ym of its claims, and deeply sensible of the duty imposed upon it by @ true for ite honour, would hesitate to submit the question of its te to the judgment of any Power whatever. This is our way of dealing with events. It is national, and I trust le. v. Bismarck, Berlin, to Canovas del Castillo, Madrid. Fiddlestick! However, you shall have your way. We are not oD a SO See piece of busi- ake your mind easy, and 8 beggarly picos of | Uhlan King.

Warer Bossies,—Wanted, in the fe oy Policemen to make Hoase-Boats, moored an unreasonable time opposite to Riparian Owners’ Lawns, ** move on.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ae f 3g “a ‘ : “HONOg “ay ‘ANO'IV WIH YAVAI,, *NHOor A HAPPY ENTANGLEMENT. Waeraer tr was sy Acorpent on DesicN, NOBODY CAN TELL, BUT HER LINES GOT INEXTRICABLY MIXED WITH HIS, WHILE ANGLING 1x A HicoiaNp STREAM—AND NOW THEY ARE ENGAGED TO BE Marrizep! aH 8. THE IRISH HORSE AND ITS MASTER (?) Win that fll-handled horse of gall aad fet, Movnrep and mastered, that hot mettled steed And that rash rider, sinister, That hath so many would-be riders thrown ? Will come a cropper yet. That , jibbing nag of aery breed, hough something high of bone ? OUR ODD WHIMBLEDON. ae fepity Gishn Costin. ' fieving sprung Notice to Comperrrors.—‘ Interiors and Exteriors, No. 16.” Out of a very number of shots, no one was right throughout Why should he dream of being foiled = flung ? ho tice Ht ist of the thirty-nine personages represented in that What though the creature chafe f “* Pictorial Key. ” The natn to a competi- Who has not seen some cool churl dominate tor at Hull, who made thirty-two correct guesses. Nearly everybody By dogged pluck where es mettle ‘failed ? went wrong over No. 9, which the Artist intended for Lord Ricnarp Not known i p= ey hardness su bjage > Grosvexror. Several people were positive that No. 17 must be either here ardour naught availed ag — or -_ J rey = a ey of A. i it yo r BOUCHERE. ost oF e s who tried their at 1 Beidied ont bitted, p besne Reeeiaias, ; were soon disqualified, and one whose surname begins with “‘ G,” pit bees me oy — its middle letter being “8,” and its final letter E,” was quite the a 8 26 wrengest of all! N.B.—The “ shots” were examined on oats 25th of ugust. «il AUAddOUO V ANWOO OL AAVS ould scarcely fall so low. ar rider, what =f piling sits ? worse than Atra Cure » black, Bismarck’s Song A ing curse ‘ clinging ous in tidowy phanton ma On, I’m leading all Europe a lively dance ! Now it is England, and now it is Ugeeen end tosuspetiel, seen by Geese And now it is Spain. But I’m first in the field. Who have the rare A fig for their anger! They grum ble—and yield. Corru friends are + Hocus- us, Fil Fo! Fum! ved by such as he ? Political honesty ’s all a big hum. Ruled like some common Cocktail with a rein At > = ui gust Soman aa 6 epost and \ ne DIVISION OF LABOUR. Wait! wenn ns 0 lI = new litical triad appears to be », Mending, Si aS If once the horse is to his hand subdued ? Candidates are 9 do the Standing,” th Wait! Is he quite so sure that mettled steed the” thiting,” ” and the “ L —according to Is all of yielding mood ? political Mentors—is to be le to the Voters! Happy Voters!

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HHL HST ¢ ‘ANOIV WIH BAVA», ASUOH *NHOor SIH UNV ‘C881 ‘¢ HRERELEIS—JYVAINVHD NOGNOI HHL YO ‘HONDA «1 WXddO0u9O V AWOO OL AAVS 8S. AH > ) UALS VA (d » Nivas

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “THE GLORIOUS FIRST.” _ Young Newstyle (justly indignant, to Squire Oldacres). ‘‘ Taxne !|— "KNEW HOW IT WOULD BE WHEN YOU WOULD BRING OUT THOSE BEASTLY DoGs. ALWAYS IN THE WAY, HANG EM!" THE SMELLS OF LEA. Am—“' The Maids of Lee.” THERE were Three bad Smells of Lea, Aad Geren entaoente the river’s foul hank, e as roved on the river’s fo pea Ay elie Ads rt we ei The Three bad Smells of Lea. But anon there came on the wings of the wind Seven evil Smells of an even worse kind, Which arose from a flood of vile sewage stuff, And everyone said, ‘* This is simply enough sicken and poison and coffin us all!” And they sickened and died, did the big and the small. ** Shall we go?” cried the Smells. ‘‘ Ah! no, not we! We will stay where we are,” said the Smells of Lea. There are Ten bad Smells of Lea, GOING TO THE DOGS, Edith (Mrs, Hicervsoruam, to her junior, met on the pier of e FoF pete ee el how do you dof I am so glad to have met you! How are friends ? Have you seen the Dovers lately ? How are Apa and her — —-. and a od teas ber Le: They = dreadfully, I hear, eat ayy. better? I only wish Varewrine would Ellen. How so ? Edith, He not only allows that without ever trying without it. But as for trying to point that out. dog. He it on back, and says, ‘ Pock fellow !” and ** Good Ellen. Psyche—what, Psyc Edith. No, not P. 8., but Se gsheeh tach acncenet am e mi it do all manner of things—go u nis open, stand on his hind-legs and beg, and perform reading. Ellen. Thought-reading, dear! Why, how nent Edith. Going and fetching something he letting him see. Oh yes! a great many other has made the mind him, and way to. Then he lets the dog hidden, without Tot ya so he might me e same : -— himself, eat Lary tot and sleep, without ever troubling him about money and business matters, so as to make uneasy ; and he never beats him Ellen, Why surely, dear, he never beats you ¢ Edith. No, not with his hands. But, as I told you, when there are thi I don’t want to know, or to hear, he tries to beat them into my head, and it hurts me so, 1 would as soon be beaten with a stick—and I call that cruel. Ellen. Well, well. He is bad enough, I daresay. But some men are worse. My husband not only tries to argue me down, and that when he is worn, Uap he scolds, and sometimes even swears. Edith, And what do you dof Ellen, Never mind him. Let him go on until he has done. And then I his whiskers, or poke him, or pinch his ear—in short, treat Aim like a dog—as you would like to be treated yourself. You do the same. Then that will be doing as you would be done by— won't it ? Edith (a little . Well, I sw it will. But here comes his host, { think Pritt chall be 30 a> ae him, of course; but he has got that dog with him, whieh I wish he had left behind him, or it hed got drowned—the nasty, odious, horrid, ugly thing ! ‘* We cannot Sing the Old Songs!” Ir is said there is a project afoot for draining the Zayder Zee. If ath celd thewe 9 wees Eres cette etd bane hoon acoomplished years ago. Though the reclamation of fend will be on exeellent thing for sentiment of one of our finest old glees. of the future will have to sing :— ‘* But a Dutehman’s throat will always be As dry as the well-drained Zuyder Zee !"” For when the Zayder Zee ceases to roll, and is no cannot possibly represent the magnitude of Mynheer’s Tux Hasrrvat Devuwxanvs Act.—That of habitually taking « drop too much,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Szpremper 5, 1885, 3. ' sultation over a Prince BisMakcE. M. pz Greres and Count Katyworr breaking their heads in a four-hours’ con- in cipher from | oom, ‘ on, 1 s\ ’ ) / ise a YA //, 4 ny, j 7 Street Sweeper Boy (from his point of view). ‘‘ ANOTHER O’ THESE Baeastiy Foye Days!” | ‘Raw a > i, } al = by OUR SUMMER, 1885. Museums of Commissions have already been lowing subjects, and it is intended WITH LOCAL COLOUR, to learn that the vivid description of the recent Imperial meeting at i i gentleman who represented the 7imes on the occa- . Vd} y+ 7-7 — being to canvas a expressed wish august ci emsel ves. given to several local artists for i eneaiiion of the fol- when the works are completed to present them to the pw will help to permanently Count KaLnoxy A which the former requests i to get him 4. Secret ing between the Czar and that still further influence may be German Chancellor to Kremsier his himself down” as brought to bear on the to receipt for — illiants, Taare, the Director of the Traffic Depart- ment, and Cardinal FivgsTznBERe. 6. The Czanewrrcnh and the Crown Prince of Avsrria crossing the market- place of Kremsier, so closely followed by the Times co: dent that they are over- heard by him distinctly talking of the state of the weather in indifferent French. 1. of the Russian Imperial Guests, and farewell at the Railway Sta- tion, showing the Czar and the EmPrnon in the act of embracing, and promising, in idiomatic French, to take an early oppor- tunity of seeing each other again, as the former is about to retire to his private desk upon which lie a few back numbers of Lloyd's Weekly News, a Bradshaw for June, and the Polish Punch. 4 8. The “ +7 of Apemeat, sete Se eparture of the Imperial train, stand- ing with his tongue in his cheek, and ex- pressing with a significant twinkle in his eye, to the Governor of Moravia his satis- faction that the affair ‘has gone off s0 very E peed to all the parties con- cern ” “THE TERRIBLE CHILD.” Scese—A Railway Carriage. Prrsonaces— The Mother ; the Child. The Child. What’s making this noise? The Mother. The carriages, dear. Child. Why ? Mother. Because they ’re moving. Child. How? Mother. It’s the engine drawing them. Child. What engine ? Mother, The one in front of the train. Child. Why ’s it in front of the train? Mother. To draw the train. Child. What train ? Mother, The one we’re in. Child. Why does the engine draw the ain | Mother. Because the driver makes it. Child, What driver ? Mother. The one on the locomotive. Child. What locomotive ? Mother. The one in front of the train! I’ve just told you. Child. Told me what ? Mother. Hold your tongue! me! Child. Why do I worry you? Mother. Because you too many ques- tions ! Child. What questions ? Mother. Oh, good Heavens!! No wonder so many men won’t marry ! You worry An Exrcart Arprarance.— The Glou- cestershire Cricket Champion, Mr. W. @. Grace, in batting for his County at Clifton in the match with Middlesex, is to have shown “rare form.” Just so. But of course his form is always a Form of Grace.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON | ; : iy" 1 fe i ey, Hui iad >» al Mart AD) GaN Wr (/ My +4 ». , Nes!) aN ‘ _ RIVER PUZZLE. How To Ger nto Moressy Lock? CHARIVARL THE LAST GROWLER. (After Thomas Campbell,—also after the Official | Report that there are one hundred and fifty- seven fewer Four-wheeled Cabs in London now than last year.) Fovr million souls without a Fly ! Shall we then realise Oar lack of common comforts, born From lack of enterprise ? I saw a vision in my sleep That caused me from my bed to leap, And ski room ; To see that Four-wheeled Monster bid To Fares a long farewell ! Yet, martyr-like, the Driver sat ; Le: Of over-charge, “What thongh upon my seats have| writhed The Great, perhaps the Good, Condemned in this — Capital To use my box of wood ? Yet now repentanee, all too late, Makes me confess that ne’er did Fate A vehicle provide, More maddening in each palsied sh Or where long-suffering Fares might take A more atrocious ride ! *’Tis done! Oblivion’s curtain falls Upon the myriad men Waa blown me up, and knocked me own, And ‘had me up’ again. Those frowsy cushions bring not back Nor stretch four souls upon the rack By Nature made for twain! Oh, let this crampéd roof-tree go, Also thy dirty straw below, Thou Vehicle of Pain! ‘* Even I am weary now of playing My customary p’ 8; Rank idiocy it was to place Such Cabs upon the ranks! How came it, else, that London’s sons To stable-owning Goths and Huns For aid in vain did ery, While every Gent, and every Cad, In Aberdeen and Glasgow had His reputable Fly ? = Kings of Cabland, and reflect On London's awful waste By not a single Four-wheeled Cab From Kew to Greenwich graced ! Go, tell the world how you beheld A Jehu, bowed with shame and eld, Guiding his Growler mean,— general universe defy, Tv mateh for sheer obliquity, That ramshackle machine!” | WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT? A DAILY paper gives an account of a man who furnished some information with regard to the Manpr and his successor. In the course of his story this person said :— * Now, there are three men who have sworn to resist to the death the dervishes taking South Dongola; and these three are Sala Walad Fadiala Salem Bey, the Kababeesh 8 asem -ol- Noos, and Tombal.”’ What may be the real names of the two last of these te we are unable to say. But we are astonished to find our own Groree Avoustus i) eer as the Kababeesh Sheikh and squabbling with der vichow, nee we Eines ot Se Se ame Prepiie letters for the Daily Telegraph. , “ cHacum A som Govt.” Speaxixe of the Holborn Theatre, the Daily News says :— “* Romatic drama is, we understand, to be the staple product of the new management.” is “ romatic Not “‘ rheu- There may be a dearth of but we hardly expect to see drama on crutches just yet.

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LI [Serremper 5, 1886, CH 120 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL FITZOOTTEREL; OR, T’OTHER AND WHICH. (By the Earl of L-tt-n.) “* Supposing I was you, upposin And sup somebody else, I won o we should be?” Canto II.—Mixep. THE more this metre one essays, the more One likes it. It flows on with ouch facility ; OF ee Scene ae = bears so ; fancy’s fragili Floats ois food nfratared What would bore mere versatility Stambling proliity, and smartness, Ideal h plus sham-cynic smartness ; Bald cemmonplace, bad grammar, Lae Semen OS Go SEPT OSU ; Letters, adverti accounts of crimes, Py ay rer , take the Town. ee 0S 8 cosy of he Zines this metre! Gentle Muse, not frown! Frown should come first, but there ’s the charm of rhyme. does not matter,—not a dime ! He seems a cross ’twixt Truow and a Lp an Scorning the petty world he proudly dominates ; A blend of a rf noe with a CricuTor, : Cramped by the paltry herd his soul abominates, And who hate him as minnows hate a Triton : (Save those whom to high posts and perks he nominates) A Gulliver by Lilliputians baffled, A Pegasus by blind Bootians snaffied ! Why here and thus Jay adulation on So thick and soft and slab, as with a trowel ? No Yankee lines my style is based bs rm The elegant restraint of James or LOWELL Ido not ape. Sanvm’s Sy Frankly, peaeaey, make avowal ! And lay my homage at his hanghty feet. I hope his pride may find the offering sweet. As for his first of foes, Gaanpotpuy, he The cackling conjuror, the financial wizard ? No more with Sauum he compared canbe Than Nile’s huge Saurian with a six-inch lizard. (Ripon he lauds, and dares disparage me, A fact which sticks in my poetic gizzard.) The sanguinary, subtle, harum-scarum, Babbling old sophist get the pull of Sanvm ? Forbid it, Heaven, and the Ballot Box ! Tl 67s. 2 LIBE Spring | Ql) MED TURE, MTL! MELLO DELICIOUS M08 WHOLES THE PRIZE @, GREAT 1 SILVER } HEEF Back to my babies! Young FrrzpoTrEREL And Hexmaww Pompernicxer both grew up The former was of course “ a reguiar swell ;”’ But big, flat-faced, wide-knee’d as a bull pup The stripling s! ; his voice was like a bell A little cracked ; to see him dine or sup Might make Valhalla envious ; he was waxen Of epidermal hue ; his hair was flaxen. Young Hermann on the contrary—’twas odd And bothered EpzLwz1ss—was a girl’s hero ; He had the willowy grace of a Greek God, ae curls like Oscan bp N —| ELWkIss watching him would gravely And murmur to himself, “‘ dum spiro, spero, But I should love him with yet more avidity Bothered the boy, like an ill-fitting glove. Did he confirm my theories of heredity.” . “Oh, hang it, PumpERNickEL, my dear boy!” 0 Youth! O Childhood !—Joys of vagrant hue Cried he, one day. ‘‘ Things seem all topsy-turvy! That nevermore return when once ye hook it! I like the very things you can’t enjoy, Fleeting as facial beauty in a Jew, ap Your pleasures bore me. Fate is vastly scurvy. Or « smelt’s charm that fades ere one may cook it! Can't we chop lots ?””—Like the Jap’s turtle-toy This with my tale has nothing much to do, The Teuton quivered ; though he ’d wondrous nerve, he But when you catch a bit of bathos book it. Was flabbergasted. Then he answered, ‘‘ Pooh! As sentiment profound and pure it passes, You dear old duffer, that would never do!” Eked out by several *‘ Oh’s!” and some ‘* Alases!” Sagi “Bosh!” cried Frrzporreret. ‘‘ Anyhow, let’s try, What should we do without our interjections For, say, a year or two. ’Twill be + fan. We modish metremongers? They are like _ Just fancy! I am you, and you are f Wings to the waddling tortoise. (Several sections Oh what a mix there ’ll be ere we have done ! Are here omitted, Phrases that don’t strike, Come! no refusal! You can now fly high,— Fade tropes, and philosophical reflections In Spring, the Park ; in Autumn, and , a yy as TUPPER, fone as a Dutch dyke, And I om r, you keow, ane you oe rah, move a man to yawns—or curses— Ow wi iety tell t’other from which ?’ When they extend thr several hundred verses. od vied ’ And so they settled it. Do you ask, ‘‘ Wherefore” ? “O England! O my country!” (Here’s a chance Why, what has Poesy to do with reason, To add to the attractions of my story More than those Penny Dreadfuls housemaids care for ? By flouts at Russia and a fling at — +" This swopping of identities for a season Proving once more that Providence is Tory ; Is an old dodge with them, to set a snare for ee eee ata glance, wm. a. venal oy or oe a apaye r Seoeaen. sais ; owing grace and gior ‘ at must be a good ‘' trick,” whose charm ete from Lord Sazum, who believes—I know it— Lures Lavrence OLrPHant and the London Journal, ‘ome Viewsey a0 your miner post They swore their interchange on the cross-bones O England! © my country! Sinks thy star Over a red-hot poker, like a blend ‘ In the Midlothian morass for ever ? Of Clown and Pirate ; in sepulchral tones, Cassanpra wailed thy doom at Candahar. Sach as quidnuncs, low-whispering, say attend A poet-governor as bold as cle mystic moment when a Mr. Jonzs Thrown over from a feeble fear of War ! , Is “‘ made a Mason.” Henmany and his friend pp - eee oe it? * as l Were one another ! ! ; _ This seems nonsense, some of it ! There ’s only one can do it—that . Lord Sarum. Ah, Reader, wait, and just see what will come of it! Look at him in the House! Frrzporrezet did, And vowed, compared with him, Jove was not in it. Tall as a tower, beued, 00 8 peseenet. . ly: Pandora's a a ome sitting plump upon ‘Like lie— (trope ua tease when you begin it)— Like a ona packed portmanteau. With praire of Sant I could cram a Canto! @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In ty 0 Seanpel and Danse Easdaee te Young PumPexNIcKEL, introspective German, Much marvelled how our new Beotian ox, Jou» Butt, could stand Ais driving. Master Hermann Found Life a huge o’ermastering paradox. He felt as one might fancy a strayed Merman Seeeneen At Margate on Whit Monda H full of grace, ovate, AND But conscious of his tail, and out of place. Queerly enough Frrzporreret felt the same Strange lack of sympathy with his ‘‘ environment,” As Darwinites describe it. All Life’s game Was open to him; each Society Siren meant Her smile a breeze to fan bim to a flame; But yet he found what ScHopENHAUVER and Brow meant By railing so at Life. Its Light, its Love ** Give it to the Bard!” Next to Mr. J. C. Panxnyson’s address at the Eisteddfod at Aberdare, the principal interest was taken in the prize £20 ise with a chair, value £10. The successful bard was Mr. ; Wr11uMs, the subject of the was “ Sent squinst the World.” It is not true that Mr. Y LaBoucHERE Mr. | Epuuwp Yates were among the seven unsuccessful competitors. “MS., Printed Matter, or Dra , be returned, unless Copies of MB. should ‘be bept be the Senders aaeeiesA

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Szrremezr 5, 1885. HEAL & SON. BEDSTEADS. 3 ft., from 10s. 6d. BEDDING. 3 ft. Mattresses, from LIs. BED-ROOM FURNITURE. Suites, from £3. EASY CHAIRS, from 35s. COUCHES, from 70s. CATALOGUE FREE BY POST. 195 to 198, TOTTENHAM COURT ROAD, LONDOK GOLD MEDAL, ANTWERP, TADDY & CO. Sweutor 756 | ; oa eS Ad) M it un lid ii “You Sxout.o Try Thiel Pee Mere Grovi ' 9 LIQUEUR of the . 4 for I sa tl of aka eal pet a SU no GS Be Eine Ooms of Megee, Benge Anew, ¢ o>.

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LUSTRATED BY C. KEENE. | “One of the most genuinely comic productions ever written.”—Daily Telegraph. B E R 1 “Robert is a character, and his Diary is a work of genius.”—Daily Telegraph. R 0) 4 “ Mr. Charles Keene is the illustrator of a book which in every line is pictorial."—Daily Telegraph. One Shilling. “All who read Punch know and admire the convivial Robert; while people who do not read a Acusw, & Cou, & @ 20, Bouverie St. Punch may now alleviate their misfortune with this amusing little boek.”—Saturday Review. : wn + ™ o hes Se SFOS, v D o m 4 =z a m m v m z © , my N° 2305. VOLUME EIGHTY- NINE. § —+*— SEPTEMBER 12, a ae eS ee PTT TE TIS os SEOs ';1)) Pte — “=a ~w ele siya eae Tall Nv e | Mh NA at. i alte ty ’ fe: DANN “a ~~ y me EO LN . AS Pl, v 4, { AS PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. “yveigns alone. among Y ollina V1 Laie! Dietetic’ Table

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— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 121 Sepremper 12, 1885.) _ MORE YACHTING JOTTINGS. By Dumb Crambo Junior. : (geavtéel fie /%, “ye iit A Capsize. , LECTVRE ’ jPuRenoLocy | y decided to ‘‘ Swing off” at eight o'clock. LATEST INTELLIGENCE A LA MODE, THE TRIPLE ALLIANCE. : Vienna, Sept. 9. Tue disquieting rumours set on foot here by the recent article in the Fremdenbiatt have, to judge from the reply furnished in to-day’s Cologne Gazette, no foundation in fact. It is pointed out that ao far from -_ hostile attitude towards the English Cabinet having been assumed at Kremsier, a distinctly complimentary message was dic- tated by the Czar himeelf, and forwarded, in the very middle of the State dinner, to Lord Satispury. The precise nature of the terms of this communication has not transpired, but it may be safely hazarded that it referred mainly to the character of the menu, which was con- sidered excellent, and that it was skilfully interlarded with inquiries as to his Lordship’s appetite and health. The Cologne journal more- over again asserts, what has been patent to all politicians here from the first, namely, that the recent meeting was in reality organised and carried out by the intrigues of several military tailors who have high authority and influence in circles at this capital. Similar assurances are given from Berlin. Commenting on the situation, the National mm remarks that the interchange of military uniforms may be regarded as the chief outcome of the meeting, and that the fact that the Czar gave an extensive order for several hussar suits on the spot, showed the genuine and spontaneous nature of the SIR H. D. WOLFF’S MISSION. . ‘ ConsTaNTINOPLE, Sept. 8. Affairs here continue to be much in the same condition. His Majesty, who has now on occasions seen the British Envoy, is se, arid on the last occasion but two rose and shook hand i him. Meanwhile Sir H. D. Wotrr is becom- acquainted with the back staircases of several of the leading the i and has expressed himself as ful of being able, with aid of an efficient in , to make the nature of his proposals ble to Sarp Pasua. The slight hitch in the negotiations, to which reference has already been made, still continues, but the belief here, in well-informed circles, is that it will not necessarily be TER : LATER. No material change has occurred in the condition of affairs. Sir tee H. D. Wotrr has, to-day, however, been closeted with Assym PasHa for several hours, and has, it is understood, intimated that he will call again to-morrow. Varna. Sept. 9. Apvices from Constantinople announce that Sir H. D. Worrr’s mission is for the mt con! to a series of interviews with the Dragoman of the British Embassy. There is no other news, THE PHARMACEUTICAL CONGRESS. Tue sub-sectional meetings of the afternoon, and consistently with the spirit of far-reaching and enlarged philan that has inspired their labo were unanimously adopted to the effect that an inte standing should be arrived at not only for the guaranteed potability of non-alcoholic beve: , and advertised mineral waters, but that butchers’ meat, vegetables, and bread and cheese should also be included in the corpus of the new Universal Pharmacopeia. The quleumee needed, as a minimum of | poopanabery study, were iscussed at some length, and it was finally agreed that a know- ledge of advanced trigonometry, calisthenics, not less than three foreign languages, history, biography, zoology, and a full acquaint- ance with applied sciences, should be regarded as necessary to the taking the new degree of “‘ Doctor of Pharmacy.” Perfect unanimity prevailed, though some éc/at and liveliness was added to the complimentary fétes held in the evening, owing to the expulsion of the ) eee of a well-known English popular patent medicine, who had attended the Congress apparently through a total miscon- ception of its liberal aim and objects. THE CAROLINE ISLANDS. Berwin, oe 10. Tue languid excitement over the seizure of the Islands shows no signs of being stirred into activity, it being fully understood that Prince Bismaxcx does not intend to force the hand of the Spanish Government. It seems, too, the Chancellor is much incensed with the Geographical Department for having misled him in the affair, and the appearance of a new map of ‘‘ Colonial Germany” will probably be the result of the mistaken ambition that ass the debatable territory to its new but unwilling The report that Canovas pet Castrxxo has, at the command of King Atrsonso, forwarded the latter’s Uhlan uniform to the German Emperor, together with a dignified letter of remonstrance, though looked on here as a probable canard, launched in the interests of the Franeo-Spanish Radical party, nevertheless gains ence in circles that should be well inf . If this should unfortunately turn out to be the case, it will only add a further proof of the deplorable want of tact and discretion that on all hands is admitted to have marked the conduct of this affair from beginning a. TER. War seems now certain, on account of the recent excesses in Madrid. The weather is very pleasant. A ‘* Burning Question” Indeed. Tue criminal fools who carelessly throw unextinguished fusees about, are perhaps even more mischievous than the criminal fools who do the same with orange-peel. A shocking accident seems to have occurred to a Lady at the Inventions Exhibition owing to the action of one of the former class of pestilent idiots. Anyone wilfully dropping a lighted fusee or vesta without thought of the place or the ible consequences, ought to be dealt with as a sort of minor dynamitard—a public danger to be surmarily punished wherever caught. “Miss Anperson my Jo!”— talented tly playing at the I recently at the Lyceum, | last week appeared in 4s You Like | It, before several representatives of the London Press, at Stratford- upon-Avon. Seemingly the per- on the . Bat what of the London P: ter neue of ite | representatives oing that | way, and in some cases telegraph- |ing their notices to their offices! | How expensive it all must have been to somebody ! SR Approrriate NAME YoR THE RETURN OF A “SUNBEAM.” | New Luwatic Asryiom at Vin- Warranted to Shine through the Fog’ ormsts Water. — Hortoway's of November. (Ln)-Sanatorium. VoL. LXXxrx, M

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ———$—__ ' |Sepramega 12, 1886, The Hon, Alcibiades Slagg, Esq., Silver-mining Mi/lionnaire from Nevada, U.S., Wife's Likeness took by the Boss Artis’ o' the Country,” and is recommended accordingly. Britisher (his Artistic Adviser, meeting him in the Park). “‘ Wait, AND HOW DOES THE PORTRAIT GET on?” The Hon. A. S. “Oa, 1'vVB HAD If LONE BY A DIFFERENT Paocrss ALtooETHER, Stn. PaSOTTERGRAPHED, ¥’ KNOW !—'S LARGE ‘ComEs A PRECIOUS siGHT CazarzR, You Ber!!” as Livre—ay’ THEN Srarnap! makes the Tour of Europe. In London wishes to have “his -————_—_ THE TOURIST IN TOWN, THE “IMPROVEMENTS” OF THE TEMPLE. How to Obtain Admission.—Select any day but the First of the Month, and you will find the doors open. If you use a hansom, it will be as well to avoid a nervous horse, as the entrances are s0 narrow and echoing (most of them are under dwarf archways) that only animals with the sangfroid of a vm yy wheeler can pass through them without agitation. On the First of the Month you will find your ingress stayed by not-too-civil lodge-keepers (by the way, the average Temple lodge-keeper combines with the abruptness of the military drill-sergeant the superciliousness of the Chancery Q.C.) posted behind locked gates or pelted doors. Your best mode of obtaining admittance on occasions is to take chambers on the spot subsequent to being called tothe Bar. This you will find a simpler process than convincing the custodians that pou pee a right to pass the portals over which they are mounting guard. First Impressions.—Having entered from the Thames Embank- ment, you will immediately be struck by the rich fund of humour evidently — by the Benchers, as sampled by their representa- tives the Treasurers. For some years past the Inner and Middle Temples have been aadeggeing what these worthies facetiously desig- nate “ improvement.” result is a gigantic architectural joke. All sorts of styles are jumbled together in the most mirth-provoking fashion —Gothic, Italian, and Tudor; stone, red brick, and stucco. But the various “ bits” are drawn together into one incongruous wae by the goto vate of the Treasurers, —— you news built anything particularly inappropriate to its ings, stick your name upon it, and, if, possible, your coat-of-arms.” Thus the glarin new erections u ively in quiet courts mellowed wi age, or spectre-knight-haunted open spaces, look like signed articles in a comic periodical. The Gardens.—Of course inaccessible to the Public. This is the rule, but during the evenings of certain of the summer weeks, the grounds of the Inner Temple are ‘‘ thrown open,” (through a small and inconvenient gate) to the children of the neighbourhood, who, once admitted, have the inestimable privilege of being allowed to watch, from afar off, a number of rather portly juniors plaving (not | exactly in *‘ Renshaw form”’) an evidently extremely exhausting | game of lawn tennis. September being one of the pleasantest months | of the year for enjoying the open air, is naturally selected by the | Benchers for repainting the railings, varnishing all the seats, and cutting up the lawns and flower-beds recklessly in the agreeable and apparently congenial pursuit of drain-making. ting’s Bench Watlk.—Left to itself, the open space with its broad spreading trees, old buildings and distant glimpse of the river would be too delightful. So, to “change all that” some mad wag of 8 | practical-jocular Treasurer has placed a couple of hideous lamp-posts | of different patterns in the very centre! For the sake of economy | no doubt (it is an open secret that the Inner Temple is too poor to | afford its Benchers a decent dinner!) one of these horrible objects (posts of course, not Benchers) combines the attributes of a water-tap with the duties of an illuminator. : | Pump Court.—Not to be confounded with the now classical regions of Pump-Handle Court, wherein dwells the learned and industrious Mr. Baiercess, Junior. Pump Court is of the plainest brick, Pam Handle Court of the most quaintly carved stone. The former is quietest spot imaginable, the latter is the scene of a suicide or some such horror about once a fortnight. Still, there is a tradition that even Pump Court has had its tragedy. On the North side is» kind of iron altar, surmoun by what appears to be a funereal urn. This dr monument was probably erected by a Treasurer to mark the spot where a murder was committed years, perchance centuries, ago. There is a legend above it, ‘‘ Nothing whatever is to be thrown on this sink or on any other part of this Court.” The Ben must have their joke, even at the expense of good taste! Sink! ——

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ne ee OS eee wee & SrrremBer 12, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ad JAMA gp — FAS A UP W/// /idddda ee “DOLLY” CHURCHILL AT SHEFFIELD, LECTURING BEFORE A VERY SHARP AUDIENCE. ,, Fountain Court.—Here, perhaps, will be found in perfection the improver’s” work. Only a little while ago there to rise beneath a canopy of trees a -1 jet of water, whose plash was music to the ears of Dickens and THackeRray, and pleased hundreds and thousands of their The Benchers could not leave the little fountain alone. They had spoilt many a picturesque spot, and many a memory-hallowed corner, so why should they not destroy the prettiest sight within a mile of Bow Bells? So they deliberately set to work to ruin the fountain. They built over the pretty little jet of water a hideous affair of rock and stone, with three melancholy storks standing back to back, and bowing down their heads (very properly) in bitter shame. Having done this, and set the jet, now conve into a squirt, a-playing, they enclosed the whole in a square of about a dozen feet, composed of four beds of invalid evergreens, and a stone path nine inches broad. Feeling that some lunatic (only a lunatic could want to make such a promenade) might wish to walk in this wilderness, they next closed the four entrances with wire network to keep him out. But somehow the squirt was a failure, and wouldn’t (no doubt out of compliment to the ) lost their heads. Thus y, and two of the storks | more ‘‘improvement” was needed. So the last addition to the hideous dripping pile is the most extraordinary ‘‘ arrangement in metal” that ever yet was seen. The Benchers have hammered on to the top of the fountain, close to the mutilated storks, a ‘* something” that looks like a mixture of a very vulgar nob of a brass bed-post, the nozzle of a fireman’s hose, and the cross on the top of St. Paul's! Finis.—After looking at ‘‘ the fountain,” you will have had enough of the Benchers and all their “‘ works!” Witp Sports wear THE Horse-Goanps.—Latest PARTICULARS. —Our “ Tourist in Town” conjectured last week that the tiger, said to have been left in the enclosure of St. James’s Park, was kept for the hunting of the Royal Ranger, whom he presumed to be H.R.H. Prince CHRistIay of Schleswig-Holstein. Our Contribator was half right in his supposition. There is a Royal Ranger of the St. James's Park, and he does hunt. But the Duke of Campnrpox, and not Prince Curistian, is the Ranger, and the sport is not driving from their jungles the wildest of tigers, but chivying from their milk-stalls a lot of poor old women !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LL (Serremper 12, 18865, THE AGE OF UNREST. By an Old Fogey. ty purer — I’ weary of this age of ‘‘ Fads.” Folks tell what babes call stories, Or why do Tories slang the Rads, And Whigs abuse the Tories ’ One vows that GLapsTonE ’s always right, And from his deeds ne’er blenches ; Another backs with all his might The Governmental benches. I turn to Letters; still I find All wrangle, and are frowning ; Lord Tennyson's to one man’s mind, Another swears by Browxrne. The fires of argument, bout which I never cared a pin burn, And here Rossetti has his niche, And there erotic SWINBURNE. Now hie we to the realms of Art. Those paths you can’t run | straight on, Enthusiasts have ta’en Fairn’s thy While others dote on Lz1enTon. Bourwe Jones's an angular some ic judges, And Jommy WHaISTLER seems a star To those who like strange smudges. Tig Satehins apne avow ey ’re terribly neglected, While modest aaldens meekly bow To fate, and are respected. Some wild, litigious women cause Each Judge to feel vexation ; And those who won’t obey the laws mad ’gainst Vaccination. Thus, wheresoe’er alights my gaze, I see the conflict burning ; My poor brain, in these modern ays, Is with new notions turning. Oh, give me back the good old times, Before this endless riot, ; When folks could hear the mid- night chimes, : And smoke their pipes in quiet. Coming Round. Tue Grand Young Man—Lord Raypotpn Cuvacuri—tells us that his superiority in youth excites the envy of his elder colleagues. The Standard, however, thinks that in “ cireuitousness of phrase” at Sheffield he rivalled the Grand Old Man himself. Another f that the Member for Woodstock has taken the Member for Mid- lothian as his model. Is he, like the old idolators, going to worship what he once did his best to burn? Extremes meet; but fancy RaNDOLPH going in for roundaboutation ! THE ‘ CROFTERS QUESTION” IN A NUTSHELL. Landlord (loq.) A man’s name may be Macergcor, but he shan’t put his foot;upon his native heath. te —_—___ ROBERT ON THE RIVER. Great Marlow, in spite of its name, is ginrelly considered to be one of the littlest and qwietest places on the hole River, but if any- body who was a labering under that deelushun had j have run down there for to spend a appy day on Wenaday the 19th hinstent of Orgust, he wood have thort as the stout Gintleman says in the Play, ‘‘ Lawk, how this world is given to Lyingin!” For on that day we had our Regatter, witch rowed on, with jest one our for needful refreshments, from about 12 in the morning to about 9 at night. Well, here have I bin a spending more than a hole week here, and didn’t ewen know as I was a living in the sillybrated County of the Dook of Buckisnam, witch I am told is as such su rier to every other County as Buckinham Pallis is to every Pallis, and the natives of witch is acshally as prowd of being born there as I am of being born in Lundon, and never should f have known it but for the Regatter, but at the hend of hevery race the Judge, for we had a reel Judge to pass sintence, made ’em write in big letters the countys of the winners, and in every one as | it was “‘ Bucks,” and wen I said to Mr. SHaw, the boat bilder, who’s quite the King of the plaice, how proud them Bucks must be at winnin so many races, ‘* Yes,” he said, **‘ they is, but they gine- rally does it, for in coarse we Bucks is as much souperior to other men as the Bucks of the Forest ic to the other wild beasts there,” witch seemed reesonable enuff. But wot most astonished me was the Judge, he was that partickler that he coudn’t hav been more so if it had bin ewen a case of Petty larseny, or ewen wus than that. Why at the hend of every race—or heats as they call’em, cos the rowers was all so preshus hot, I spose— he seemed to say to em, you did it so bad that I condems yon to go back to the plaice from whence you come, and doit all oweragain. And if they was pretty ot after the fust heat, wasn’t they Jo y ot arter the second! Why the prusperation run down’em like drippin. But little they cared for that, for there, close to the ing post, wasa large table all covered over with sich a display of reel silver prizes as woud have set up many a Pornbroker’s establishment. And they war all giv away at the hend by a Lady, jest asif she ’d have bin the Maress ! The sports in the water was, I thort, jest a little bit wulger, but the lower classes as was present seemed to enjoy them, and it’s quite rite te consider them a bit, pore devvels ! The eloomenated percession of Boats was jest a leetle than the scene at the Inwentions, and wen it cum a rowing one all i glory, the egsited Mob, witch by that time must have reached s a hunderd, acshally showted with rapshur. Two of the boats in soos Wes Shee Dopey Set tok Cay to row ” of mine at the “‘ Hanglers Retreat,” took me hover the Habb Dish’em, I think it is called, but it was all in sitch a hw Habbot was away that I coudn’t see much of it. It’s the old story, I spose, wen the Habbot’s away there ’s some nice play. My frend to git me out on the sealing of the Tower, but way in witch see’d one pore gent handled to get him back agane a remark erbly small winder, gave me warning at once, and respecfull declined. It doesn’t quite do to sacrifice all won’s dignerty character to meer hidal curiosity out of a werry small winder, however brite the prospect may be of gitting safe back agin. : The picturs was most remarkabel fine. Sum on ’em being about as old and as hugly as them I seed last year at Ampton Court, witch is saying a good deal. One of the reel curiositys of the hold place is an hornted Chamber, where a lady warks about at midnite, without no hed, witch is her punishmeant for beating her little boy to deth for blotting his Coppy book! It seems a rayther doatfool story at fust, but the sollem look of the most r ool female as told it at wunce conwinced us both. It didn’t seem to be treating the p ox hedless ghost quite farely to so cram the room with chairs that she’s sure to break either her legs or her arms the nex time she warks there. Her nek I spose is quite safe. I don’t think as I shood much care myself about sleepin in that ere pertain Somer. think, on a pinch, I shood prefer the cosy looking Kitching. No host wes never known to harnt a Kitching, unless he were drest in lew, and the shrunk condition of the cold Jint prooved as he had his hed on all rite. . Well, I’ve left gentelmanly Marlow all right, and as a few others has left two, if anyboddy wants a weak or 2 of bootifool river pay with bootifool soft rows, and drives, and warks, and with sitch a lacksy of lovely ladies all clothed in most lovely cream oo dresses, and rowing and skulling all day long in a way to drive you stark staring mad, set off at wunce before e place fills up again, and wen you 're injoying yourself to your art’s content in such river seenery as foolish peeple goes abroad to see and never finds it, 2 pe a kindly thort to your old waiter and say to the fare companion of your two pare of skulls, ‘‘ We hoes this to “* RopErt. Sore ror “ Avruonrrres” ow THe Banss or THE Lza.—‘ Flow on, thou Poisoned River |” ~s Ae Oo - iti tn iain: i. wai oe

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‘1 says it 9 at Fare Ps TOR. Fe B aaa ~*~ o RSPSATSS ES Sgrremper 12, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. => LONDON IN SEPTEMBER. (By a Country Farmer—New Style.) My Dean WIre, . : ' I am very glad I did not bring you up to this ‘‘awful big place” (as the man calls it in the play), as you wished. You see, m ‘angel, you could not be spared from home. How would the gir ye got on without you superintending their singing lessons, to say | —— of it being bad form to be away on your “ day” ? Then, as | Tam a Conservative, and love old customs, I like to think of you | following the tradition of my Grandmother, and pretending (she was | in earnest, the quaint old soul!) to take an interest in the pigs. Ah! | how I do envy you your quiet ogy be ! ; | Well, no doubt, you will want to know what I have been doing | while | have been here. Improving my mind, my dear girl,— | improving my mind. Would it cause you surprise if I were to tell | you that I had been to the Museum in Jermyn Street, the Diploma Gallery at the Royal Academy, and the Crypt of St. Paul’s Cathe- dral? Yes, it would. And if it i ou, my life, it would surprise me even more. No, Tory as I am, I still must march with the times, and so most of my cage Sexe been spent in selecting and purchasing “Esthetic furniture. drawing-room at the Farm is sadly Philistine. I have picked up too some very nice Japanese hangings for your boudoir. | And how have I — my evemaget And now I know my move- ments will meet with your approval. Instead of visiting the theatre and the music-hall, I have, country-fashion, passed the night in the open air, Certainly, I have seen the Great Pink Pearl at the Prince's, a capital bit of fooling, and the Silver Shield at the Comedy, a piece that deserved success if it did not obtain it; and once again | have assisted at a splendid spectacle at Her Majesty’s. But what of that? Although for an hour or two I might have trifled with the Drama, my heart has been true to Science and South Kensington. | have already told you of the very interesting contents of the Inter- national Inventions Exhibition. You will remember how I have explained » you the various exhibits—with the assistance of the Book. But although the Inventions are interesting, I felt that I must not neglect the ‘Second Division—Music,” and accordingly spent the Advance of the British Army at South Kensington. other evening in listening to the performance of the British Army Quadrille, It certainly was very grand, although I must say that the march of the Bands was rather impeded by the dense audience. You would really he astonished at the number of who use the grounds at South Kensington—I do verily believe the gardens there are nearly as as the eries | As I had enjoyed a specimen of English Music at South Kensington thought it only fair to go te Battersea Park to test the quality of + hal ners. You must know there isa place called the Albert lace which (like the Royal Westminster Aquarium) has been plans seman eine by rt A ina ‘ll th ES , ry. I am a ri e p area wr with the glorious name of “ ALBERT the Good,” sooner or . toi “ Ly Fred a aa a ee tersea Park is y respectable, no less a person than Alder- man Sir Ropzrt Carpen (who was, so I am told by the same London +a subaltern of infantry in his youth) being the Chair- par ie lant Alderman has got together an orchestra | i y artistes, from Vienna. It must have oa Sir ERT an enormous amount of trouble to have selected so clever and ——ees comely a troupe. But the result is most ing, the more ’ as the musicians are rather pattem ame mh They play nicely, but a great deal of the hard work (such as blowing the wind v edo \_ 14 | S5- ls eet. x ff eee NS We [ The Ladies’ Orchestra at Battersea. (Back View.) instruments, playing the biggest of the drums, &c.) is done in the background by men hidden behind a screen of skirts. I fancy this quaint idea originated in the fertile brain of that very old Soldier ** dear Sir Roper,” as I understand the veteran Alderman is called by the light-hearted female stall-keepers at Battersea. Finally, with a view to testing the amusements of our country, I accepted an invitation to dine with friends at the Crystal Palace on a Saturday, with Military Band and Illuminations “‘ to follow.”’ The a r i “ff , XS \\ | “LE he rT | \ sam Enjoying |lluminations at Sydenham. (Frout View.) dinner was so particularly good that I dispensed with the second part of the programme, and spent my time instead in smoking, *‘ dessert ”’- ing, and studying the menu. You know how bad our cook is—I think when I return I shall be able to give her a few wrinkles. I feel sure the Illuminations and Band must have been magnificent ! From this account of my days and nights you will see how dull my life is in town, and how I must miss you. ith very best love, and kisses to the children, Always your most affectionate husband, The Grand Hotel. (Signed) Jomn DE BaRLeyconne, (First Floor). The Two Voices. ’T1s the voice of our Witt1am,—“‘ I must not complain If my throat, after fifty long ests of such strain, Its former full power should fail to regain.” ’Tis the voice of his Punch,— -too! Be of cheer! We have need of that wonderful Vox strong and clear, As we all hope to hear it for many a year!’ ‘* MANY HAPPY RETURNS.” Most people have heard of ‘‘ Cuzvaxvt on Colour.” aoery will be happy to hear of colour on Cueveervt, in the shape cheeks and evergreen energy, the F savant is now a pemtenanien, Long may he continue to be a “‘ Man of Colour” in senses. body rosy ee Eis ni are)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Sepremsrn 12, 1885 a ite Vie : Sle rAd vat WN Ge SNe eR SWS u/ . *) x a. we saan aif il Z o 4 oi lds ~\) P'S Se m2 . rr, / a UAt BANG! BANG! *“* Coxrounp TRE Doe! PuTTING UP THE BIRDS LIKE rHAT!” “Oo AY, BUT IT WAS NA THE DoG THAT MISSED THEM, WHATAYVER!” Yours is not the sole Party that’s after this quarry, A LITTLE “DIFFERENCE ; ” Another one’s watching you over the hill ; To join them won’t pay, though they would not be sorry OR, A WORD IN SEASON. - - of you ao -7- his cool a . ee you ’d still shoot together don’t wrangle or lag, Mr. Keeper Punch loquitur :— Or ’tis they, and not you, who will make the Big Bag! Nor rivals, but comrades! LExceedingly well ! pont nye pte A A couple of _ which would certainly tell, THE PUBLIC AND THE “ PUBLICS.” In a well-beaten stretch or a corner that ’s hot. : : testi oe aie lated inter | Or panned Go Gost Elmo you Bove oe feet - a, re. Pern Sa apernlio bones opin —— - the vel t| “ ¥ ’ ’ | = gun & gun Ino sealy © ig Sot. make the Public-house what it originally was—a place for th) In style, just a little unlike to be sure, refreshment of man and beast.” Quiteso. Only it must be under- With dissimilar tastes in the matter of dogs; stood that “‘man and beast” are two, and not one, as is now to | Both eager a pretty day's sport to secure ; often the case, and that with the connivance, if not the encourage One dashingly tramples, one sturdily jogs ; ment, of the Publican. ‘‘The nation,” continues Brother Bung’) Fach has me | that his own style of shooting will pay, Oracle, “ neither wants the greasy sloppiness of the Coffee Palace, When you’ve counted the game at the close of the day. the illicit tendency of the Club, nor the glaring frivolity of Conti- nental café life.” Perhaps. But neither does it want the noisy Once more at the start of a Season, you find sottishness, the foul riot, nor the adulteration-bred phrenzy of the Your foot on the stubble, your hand on the stock, ordinary—too ordinary—Gin Palace. These things, indeed, demand And yon scarcely appear to be quite of a miod, not a little vigorous and summary “ interference,” and it is only Say sharp rival ists all eager to mock. ill-regulated houses which would consider that interference “ il- Is it so, Gentlemen? Better cut short regulated.” Any squabble at once if you really mean Sport ! be bento at the ie you ’re ope of that same, Comment by a Cockney. nd a pretty —-+ shooting together Bap-Gastein ! Sounds more fit than nice, and yet In every season, at all sorts of game, They say most healing waters there are had. And in every conceivable species of weather good Must have taught you at least it is no time to ‘ aarrel, rite > my hy people fancy to get When game’s on wing, and your hand on the barrel. True, one may prefer just to stick to old ground, And one have a farey for ing up new ; a Most probabl puree in both may be found, Lory Rawporrpn Cuvrcuitt first “ chafis” Lord Haare _ But wasting day in diseussion won’t do. unmercifully, and then winds up by saying, ‘‘ Come over. and help You'll get little more than your pains for your trouble us!” Can NDOLPE need reminding that “ Old (Whig) birds sr By fighting the point between turnips and stubble. not caught with (Tory) chaff” ?

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PUNCH, . anu tafe “AN SD th, WH ) “pe Cd, V/s Mp 107 t v) bie: f (eed, 4 , 7 fa Bid In F Vwi wiht #,, r*” \) ») \ \ / ~ 7 1 ?, ‘Wt Y ff 7 , i 4 i y Mt f " hi 77 \ A LITTLE H-rt-net-x. “* WE’LL TAKE THE STUBBLE, OF COURSE?” Cu-mn-ni-n. ‘‘OH, NO! IT’S NO USE GOING OVER THAT OLD GROUND! Puncu (Keeper). “* IF YOU QUARREL OVER THE LAND, GENTLEMEN, YOU ’LL NEVER MAKE A BAG.” ‘ DIFFERENCE OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Sepremser 12, Lip. My Ny) j ‘hh Mu i} 99 de yee ae jlo 4 1 . 2 f i} 4 1 ; AY se youll i} a0 i) (EM \ yon my yi ‘ iM 4 \4 A! ! at i, »' I n'y . fn, be: H, Ny | 1, { } ih WRN Wyn H Vy 4 Hf ! ' \ | yer th AY a pe KON Eo) rift" HH | I’M FOR THE TURNIPS!!”

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—_—_— Seprumper 12, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE ‘LONDON CHARIVARI. 129 HAR. a Ff . SiS is - VA. bay Eee ve re ee aa 4 a ea ND “hh AES, ‘Sh ° “es tT, * 43 ooh 4 . it Mie ae 4 eet Vig i iia Ts Mic ath Wis 7 = | 4 : a as 5} a % ll a AR a = — | i) : ' f gol n if “i pia tae c WOMAN’S LOGIC. Lady (who does not quite know the Rules of the Road), ‘‘ Let mz sex, Jonn—rto wuicn Sripz or THE Roav vo I xezp!” John, ‘‘To TH’ Lert, Mum.” Lady (feeling she is now clear on the subject), ‘‘On, yEs, Now I REMEMBER ; AND I KEEP TO THE RIGHT, COMING BACK!” THE MODEL WIFE. “ENGLAND AS HE IS TREATED” IN GERMANY, afer lm By Ly Br) ker Rie te oi ee ee eit y Ww TED.—A Splnster of of fay eae 0 they will own to under thirty. | arrested in a Frankfort me marched through a crowd, and Must be an Orphan—if all the better. No relatives | thrown into There were incarcerated for half a day at all for choice, if any, none i Fendi she would want to know if I didn’t yon there no abt fey pa ve remained much longer, had not wish. Positive clination to dances and evening parties. Absolute | a chance pecting wie London solicitor led to Lege restoration to abhorrence of the society of any but rational thinking people. liberty. Th y ahiege ok them was that one yy number Detestation of all customary and common amusements, such as cards| bore some supposed to the photograph of a man more and backgammon. Appreciation of excellence in Art, Literature, | than twenty rose ppoeed i senior. As nothing seemingly has been done and Music, but executive ability, in any line, no consequence ; except | to compensate th ese outraged recta it will be as — to pu cookery and practical needlework, domestic tailoring, and other| for the benefit of in intending tourists, the German answ industries. Preference for economy in ostentation tation rather than in into English, that the foreign police are likely to ed :"¥ seqpense to comfort, - particularly than in food and drink, and, rather the remonstrances made on similar future occasions, t may be ty Key fn B ne ‘itend public a a yerty compar or aie convenien (i) uce man’ les to at ublic ‘ meetings, and subscribe to bosh. No ietesest § in popular case, Yes, b iene you have not your eatlet, you must authors, or speakers, aaippe account of their popularity ; no admi- arms pinioned ration of any celebrities sim me se _ ne renung after ions, unless Quite so. a you hove your — — ° incidentally at the Z.G. Di bodily exercise—would usually yd ——~ not be told wh Seintell ttene. benend balan walk rather than ride. P, ; face plain in the proper ©; yn way you are » bey sano of the word—not ugly, out no rod fi to spoil. PNo care whahone rm soe yn Sy who wears a red tie might be ty of any any Chronicle Ofhos.. Pherae treat tt bs returned if uneatia- |, Certainly it is true that, your two male friends are lying in the factory —and please don't it “photo "Address, “* Co:txss.” ‘Yes, your ii can will certainly be tortured unl she py ou are not in supposing man you say is your brother will be sentenoed to penal servitude for life. From the Listeners to the Leaders. It is aguinet the Stas feral yee vA p pens, ink, and paper, to ena ou a OR Tks a stale mibtare of verjeiee and chatt ? *"You cannot be put ina cell by yourself, Yes; the felon chained If oa are 00 you can’t ive us a “Cry,” near you é accused of marder, ts Kt least ibuten esa keagh Jos may cay o Go Wak you Hiaaes, Wa, SR ee get no redress A M ; “draw,” but| W: Riours.—The Elective Franchise, nd, Female Voters doe nt Cenk Cae Manon.-~One thet begins with s W, Pn ¢ pln ofimy),

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Szrrempgr 12, 1886, —_——_—_—.. NORTH AND SOUTH. Tax yvouncrest Miss Brown PrRActisrs AccOMPANIMENTS, SONG AT SCARBOROUGH During the Match Gentlemen of England v. Players of England, September 3, 1885, Yz Gentlemen of England, Who smite for twos and threes, One bat has swiped for twenty years, That bat is W. G.’s. That wondrous willow waves again To match the old, old foe, And s s through their ranks Whilst the bow puff and blow, Though Tom Emmett sends them swift and straight, | And the “‘ field” do all they know. Barrrannta need not tremble Whilst he his ‘* block” can keep, And slog for sixes and for fours, Though the field stand close or a There ’s ‘‘ powder” yet in every stroke, His “ drives ”’ like lightning go, And men roar as the score Swells at every swashing blow, ; : Though Utrerr “ sends ’em down” like hail, And Peare his best doth show. The Cricket fame of England Shall yet in brightness burn, And we can wait without blue fank That Cornstalk Team’s return, Whilst W. G. can show such form After twenty years or so ; The fame of his name Sounds wherever Britons go, And the mighty score on Scarborough’s shore Should bring him “‘ one cheer mo’ !”’ “ Brrrer.”—It is announced that Sir Witt1am Har- court will visit Derby on October 17, to take in the | unveiling of the statue of the late Mr. Bass. of its subscribers, with a view to improve the inauguration of that memorial, are said to meditate a request for the attendance of Sir WiLratD Lawson. OUR NOTES AND QUERIES. Seasonably arranged in ‘* Queen’s”’ English. Svecrstion Wantep.—Having rented a small country the present month, I am about to give a ball, to which three hundred house for — have been invited, but the only available room I have for ancing is a roofless and weather-beaten barn sadly out of repair, that requires flooring. What can I do in the way of decoration to give it, at a small expense, the appearance of a light and elegant apartment suitable for the purpose. ANNETTE. TRAVELLING Iyqurry.—We are seven in family, three of us being invalids who cannot move comfortably or safely anywhere without Bath chairs. What would be the simplest most direct way of petting to Bordigherra, either by the Rhine and the Swiss Lakes, or any other equally familiar route? Would it be possible to get the chai rs over the Simplon, or, failing that and being obliged to with them on this side, could we secure a fair price for them? or would it be better to have them sent round by Marseilles and Nice to meet us in the Maritime Alps, relying in the meantime on offers of local assistance? Any ent who has had the experience and will communicate fully will oblige Hysrexicvs. Paesext ror Bany.—Perhaps “ God-Papa” wishes to offend the baby’s relations, otherwise the ophicleide case can scarcel be ied as an ble or appropriate gi i had better revert to his original . self in crewels. Unless ‘‘ God- . purchasing something for the baby, in whi a complete plated and silver dessert service as likely to give surprise satisfaction. Witp Rosry. _ Eriqverre.—‘‘ Anoztiwa” is wrong in supposing that a declara- tion of affection should necessarily be made 5 © guniemen on ene believe, is the custom in pgnest circles, is not now considered de rigueur in —decidedly, event I should suggest part | lace, or Aylesbury ducks. Inx-Srarvs.—The only method of removing the ink-stains from your blue satin boudoir furniture will be to rip off all the material, and wash it in hot tea and salts of lemon ; but as this will cause the stuff to shrink, you must be fully prepared to find that it will be impossible to re-cover with it the surface it formerly occupied. Under these circumstances, your best plan would be either to entirely ink your whole suite till it match, or, better still, order new frameworks of a smaller size for your sofa, chairs, and other occasional pieces. This is perhaps the simplest plan, though you must not be disap- pointed at finding your satin, even when replaced, a dull yellow- reen colour, and anything but attractive to the eye. It is extremely ifficult to remove ink-stains from blue satin. Fancuerte. Excuaner.—" Pewztopz” wishes to change one dozen jars of pickled cucumber and a white cockatoo, affable with children and very talkative and amusing, for jewellery of equal value, or novelties in needlework, wood-engraving, drawing-room ornaments, old point- Down, Dairy, Down! Tue milk of human kindness must be curdled When from the post it held for many a day, That broad Park walk tree-shadowed, iron-hurdled, Milk Fair remorselessly is driven away. ‘ . Needful ? Those new park plans may have their merit, But—well, Punch envies not the task of TyRWHITT. Look Out! Tue following alarming information is given in the papers :— “It is rumoured that both Covent Garden and Her Majesty’s Theatres will cease to exist next year. One is to be thrown into the area of Covent Garden Market, and the other is coveted by the postal authorities.” The postal authorities are 0 quite welcome to covet anything they y please, but we must earn protest any theatre thrown into the area of Covent Garden M ae See el dangerous. — ws has long been disagreeable: it new promises to

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FG || Prt Pp | PRRs “SSSR EE | BRS &@ Sepremeer 12, 18865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 131 INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 18. l ! Ou mT, ors p> iS eee ee ‘ I te — |, bet —— t, ae Ve V - =" } (* . SL j >) P - ~ % | ‘ 1 Y \ \ i \ ra —_ ‘ i‘ ‘ Y —t arr 2 CO 4 40 o, \ At \ Y yo “Sing” — ie » @ ry SV aw ek a F.2 J j _ i cal j wes } A a _ 4 > x INTERNATIONAL INVENTIONS EXHIBITION. EVERYONE ovT oF Town. Ir 1s LEFT TO THE Executive Council AND THEIR Country Cousins, to supply your machine with one of the Patent Galvanic Death- Dealing Backbones ? 8. Do you think the new rs my as Tricycle likely to be most peri- lous to the enemy or to its rider ? 9. In riding through a cenguepes country rY> | ay there ’s every “ HOOP-LA!” _ IN consequence of the possibility of Bicycles being used for i. ing nS Darposss in warfare, the following set of qunlicee has alread ion Bern ne ty Goliieey Authorities, for use at the next Sand. reason to fear ambushes, which do you thi safest seat on a 1. What course would you be inclined to regommend for practical | ‘** Tandem ”—in front or behind f Which My you offer to your adoption if, when the enemy’s covaley i is charging down on you, you | ommander-in-Chief if he nee pe _—- pieis quntd ourse. 10. In those numerous cases w: ind yourself suddenly and ae Ab pe om cape | pe the handle of require to be made through dense jungle and over perpendicular ntains before cycling scouts d to operate, what par- 2. State your method of arelf qualided ~ crank ‘ender a hot fire. ticular advantage do you think would result from their employment 3. consid sonelien age oer payne poly in the one! ? ag po ewe hy i in preference to a few light mounted skirmishers on horseback and circumstances, you propose making practical use of your field- g 4. What’s your way of treating an enemy that shouts ‘‘ Yah! At the Top of the (Willow) Tree. your back-wheel’s going round ! ” . 5. On arriving at the summit of a steep hill, and finding the enemy Ou, Yorkshire and Lancashire both are big pots, in full possession of the ditch half-way down, what sort of patent | But Cricket’s top honours again go to gag brake would you prefer to have attached to your eget Which | Surrey, who b with ite to would be best—to shoot shoot the hill, or shoot the enemy ? Found it one of those Notts few can cer ti. 6. At what precise moment in me decisive Battle of Coventry Well, Su Surrey cnowss mad, did the British Commander flash the thrilling signal (by heli iuck, mestiests of the field—* itil onl cis oe ol pb) And first place when next s last wickets are struck. that fifty aeniins comgen tay hanging on to your estas feel a of| Tue “Psatm or Lire” ov Tae SworpieR.—“* Let us then be up mee Fe eT oa dal "al

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132 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ee [Serremper 12, 1885, FITZDOTTEREL; OR, T’ OTHER AND WHICH P (By the Earl of L-tt-n.) . _ I was you, ry : you rat me, somebody else, An we was \ I wunles Uke we should be.”’ ’ Cawto I[L.—Love anp Lucas. “A German Friiulein, young, and fair, and fond With ochre hair and eyes of China-blue, . Yearns inerpressbly to ye ; ’ At once, with some y ‘euton, with a view To Matrimony. Wealth hath she beyond The dreams of avarice, quite enough for two. An early interview could be arranged. N.B.—If wished, Photos might be exchanged,” ** By Cupid, Pompserwicxe., here’s your chance!” Cried Bezvor, i above advertisement. *T see an ing here for True Romance. _ Nay, do not scowl, I tell you nothing pert is meant By my remark. I see, Pomp, at a glance, ‘ mn. at by this notice, naive though slightly curt, is meant uty phenomenal, a spirit clear, And something like ten thousand pounds a year.” * Bosh!” grunted Pumprrwicxet, bending over The Ramayana. “I must quite refuse To play the part of advertising lover, Or help support the Matrimonial News. Can you not see this hack rot must cover A coarse and cockney soul?” ‘‘ No, in your shoes,” Replied Frrzporrergt, ‘‘ I should answer her, man! Ah me! I only wish J were a German!” “ Why, so you are,” said Hermann, with a sneer, ** By our agreement.” ‘ Ah! of course,” cried Bezvor, **T never thought of that.” ‘‘ Your course is clear,” Pursued euton. ‘‘ Jf you’re a believer In such stale clap-trap, if you do not fear * Playing up’ to this scullion-souled deceiver, And want to get into a prety ickle, Answer, and sign yourself H. PERNICKEL.” Mighty is Instinct, mightier still is Doom ! is has no meaning, but it sounds like Omen.) That little joke in PumPperwicKEL’s room, That friendly frolic interchange of nomen, Auroral gladness or Cimmerian gloom Was t with. Firzporreret worshipped women, His soul was simple, sympathetic, wg His sense of humour glimmered rather faintly. All hail, Absurdity! Without thine aid Dulness would the world in hall and hovel. Where without thee were Satire’s pleasant trade ? Did not humanity in thy bathos grovel, There were no lure in Love for man or maid, No stuff for the third volume of a novel. No writer, then, can contemplate with levity Dual Control of Common-Sense and Brevity. That Condominium, though, is still remote. FirzporreRkL, spite of PumpgRwickEL’s mockery, Felt that this German Girl he madly loved ; His soul was rather Rousseauish than Cockery. Sentiment callow-brained and cheveril-gloved Leads to much breaking, both of hearts and crockery. Bervor—as Pumpernicxet—therefore wrote The following seductive little note. (He it in a wood, at the dictation Of anoldelm. Pray, don’t su I joke. Trees are “‘ fair cautions” at conlibubetien | Don’t you remember Tensrson’s ‘ Talking Oak ” ? Firzporreret always went for inspiration Into the Forest, penning what it spoke Unto his heart. His book, Whines from the Wood, The Morning Pump considered very good.) “ H. P., a Teuton twenty-two and wealthy, -_ nap Reae — sweet Adverts: ‘ And straightway through his soul Love's footsteps stealth —— gly Te wil be well coin a 4 o marry ; , just to prove healt Scorn for the Solider chive of ~~ TF He wishes her, before he corresponds, To invest one-half her wealth in Turkish Bonds.” TuxataicaL.—Mr. Parnecet has issued his ** some other ‘*‘ M formance, if ever attempted, will prove a very ex ve the curtain will have to be rung down before the end of the the company will be promptly disbanded, the Star Actor hissed off the stage, and the management become bankrupt. Love at first sight’s stale stuff for the Romancer, Love per Advertisement is far more fresh. Why should it not as excellently answer Twin souls space-sundered swiftly to enmesh ? Hermann, whose temper was as crabbed as Cancer, Said Love must make appearance in the flesh Ere o’er him he would exercise his spell. But ’twas not so with young FITzpOTTEREL. His love cared naught for flesh or photos. No! An Astral Body, vouched by Mr. Suvnerr. Would have sufficed his yearnings. (Here a flow Of Mystic Lore setsin. We'll not begin it. It runs through seven hundred lines or 80.) FrrzpoTTEREL pined for Gretcuen’s love. To win it He was prepared all measures to exhaust, To dote like Davin or to sin like Faust. But Beevor, rushing forth to post his note, His heart a-thump, his pulses in a flutter, Butted against Henk EpELweiss, and smote The poor old pedant plump into the gutter. O Destiny! how you must grin and gloat To see Lew Man, for all his fame and splutter, Is but thy Shuttlecock! There is a game By ladies loved, Badminton is its name, Which is a truer type of human life Than—( Scissors through siz pages ') EpELWEIss Soon wormed out Bervor’s secret. Like a knife Cut hiskeen scorn. ‘‘ Ach Himmel! this is nice!” He shouted. ‘“‘ A FitzpoTrrEeREt seek a wife, Like some erotic shop-boy!” Ina trice Brevor perceived that he had played the noodle, And fawned on Epe.weiss like a spanked poodle. ** FrrzpoTreRreL, Keep your Pecker up! Though humbled,” | Said EpeLweiss, ‘‘ respect your family motto. Give me the letter.” Poor Firzpotreret fumbled In all his pockets. Where could it have got to? Alas! when in the gutter those two tumbled, (O Fate, thou ’rt stern as Germany’s iron Orro!) The note had dropped. The sequel = ainted. Fitzporreret flopped upon the floor, an ted A sort of Operatic Rigmarole Is Life! (Here Pegasus is off again. But, though his pace is pretty on the whole, The flying steed requires a tightish rein And we shall never reach our distant goal If thus he keeps *‘ cavorting round,” — that’s plain. Smp! There go Ptolemy Euérgetes, Euclid, the Vedas, and the Dukes of Guise ') That letter went! Some good Samaritan Had from the pavement picked and posted it. Epetweiss, dear Polonius-like old man, Learned, but owlish as to mother-wit, Could hit upon no more sagacious plan, Than to advise the tangled twain to flit. ** One folly drives another out sometimes, So what say you to trying foreign climbs ?” One pun—an old one—makes the whole world kin. ’Tis as heart-opening as ram-punch or platitude. | Oh (Scissors!) Berxvor ‘‘ twigged”’ with a broad grin. ** Hoch!” cried he, striking an heroic attitude, ** Let’s join the Alpine Club, and strive to win Penny-a-liner fame and Gossip itude, By scaling some tall peak’s untrodden snow Like that Excelsior fellow, don’t you know {» They started, Beevorn as Herr PuMPERNICKEL, Heemann as Lord Frrzporrerkt, whilst that letter Flew on to cheat Lone Gretcuen. Here’s a pickle! Could CoLtuns or Gaporiav mix a better ? It promises sheer smash. But Fortune’s fickle, ses entwine Fatality’s iron fetter ; And when things seem in the most hopeless dead-lock, Romance strikes out a road to joy and wedlock ! me.” Like "he makes no charge for it. But the per- one, First Act. TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In uo case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Beowings by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. _ be returned, unless accompanied

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mrsts =| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Szrramuse 12, 1885. any A list of leading Agents sent on application to J. SCHWEPPE & CO., 51, Berners Street, London. POra Asa warin, 8s. 64. per Dos. ieee 4s. Gd. per Dos. “The National Tadle “assovetsnt Peas.” ELLIS’S REGISTERED. Eetastisnep 1685. Bory Everrwaens. NORTH WALES. Waters,” RUTHIN WATERS Soda, Potass, Seltzer, oe G For Gout: Lithia the, ‘and Lithia and Potass Water. ASK FOR ELLI#’S. SOLE ADDRESS—R. ELLIS & SON, RUTHIN, London Agents: W. BEST & SONS, Henrietta Street, Oavendish Square. HARNESS 33 COMPOSITION, JET BLACK OIL. SADDLE PASTE (WATERPROOF). ilton Street, E.C. CHAMPAGNE. TISSOT FRERES’, Virtaee 1880, 57s. and 66s. OLE .6ENTs, LIBERTY & CO., m 0 = 4 4 cee | eee Me Hassall, Dr, rT emesly per Dozen. Spring Gardens, Charing Cross. im rot. Write ate FROM SEAWEED AND CLYCERINE. FIELD'S SAMPHIRE SOAP. A SIXPENNY brew te P re TWENTY VEGETABLE rds =e iow We and all 6s. per bottle, of all Ch Dhara fie asst BRAGG’S fs *wkiaes ees all and from | Of all CHARCOAL ex:sve's3 set MALIGNANT emists. BRILL’S SEA lid, per Bath, SA ——. vigwrating and “tee THE NORMAL DIURETI( APERIENT \\ \X* 14 Sam ory Bacalyptet, and leaves a = ort this Soap conta refreshing and cooties balm in after use. plislatere ature Tabi can be fad at Messrs Estivtein,"W {RLD'S Stall at ‘the Inventions Exhibition tern Annexe. Groeers, and Ietten = Warehouemen J. C. hout the world & J. FIELD'S GOLD mt OZCKERIT Cano is MANU- FPACTORY, LAMBETH, 8.5 Taventicna Exhibition, Gold Medal, Highest Award. THE SPECIFIC FOR NEURALGIA. yt + tattered, sicnee iCongal Ki ie repate- Sevccecccccces tion in the oF Smad as a ncEr. facial Neursigia. Has proved effective in all those + _ which we have er it.” —Mepicat 2s, 9d., de. 64., aad tis Of ail Che mists. ADAMS’S FURNITURE POLISH. OLDEST AND BEST. THE S. & H. HARRIS’S ~BIABLE REQUISITES. tC OCOA. itu: |€. CONDY'S CRYSTAL SANITANT? and gua-/ ls hy Me, Od. ros Shs JAMES MURRAY'S WATERPAOGE SLACKING TAOk Laat Bh rOLPmna s POUCH BLACKING ATERPRO Geld by all Saddlers, Grocers, and Ironmongers. Manufactory: 57, Masente sraese, LONDON, B. BEPPS’S GRATEFUL—COMFORTING, Wat no? mage rown owe Diswerrcraxt witn Preventive against ouorsht’ raven, and INFECTION. Sold at all table Chemists, Grecers, Iron- ongers, Oilmen, Stationers, and Stores. in Is, and 4s. 64. Tins, or free by Post from THE 0, oom DY" ini = COMPANY, 16ESTION, MEAKTB URW, GRAVEL, AND FLUID MAGNESIA. The Inventer’s Pure Original Preparation. le, Hotties almost Double usual size. Sia Jauce Mvanar & Box, Temple Street, Dublin, Batciat & Bont, Parringdon Btreet, London. COLT’S DOUBLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, 06 supplied to H.M. War Department,” COLT’S SINGLE-ACTION ARMY REVOL as adopted by the United States Government. COLES & ‘PRONTIZER” takes the Colt ane Winchester Magazine Kifle cartridge, -4 cours HOUSE REVOL DERINGER and D GER, for the Vest pocket ; best qualit only. Colt’s Revolvers are used all over the w onze Le SHOT GUNS and Ss Rivhee tA oe See he Coeur ¢ CcOoLT’s PIRBARMS Co, M4, Pall Mall, London.8.W, “FOR THE BLOOD 18 THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. lows arranted tociea ace the blood from all impurities, from whatever ca For Serofala, ape ad canes =| poy ohio « and iOod Diseases ite Th Sy is from all In be ottles 2s. and in cares of six fac ol 1a ee tity, tha each "ota Chemis Bent rim xo Miptano “Tue Qv —— the Lady's = pwepaper) “ feels no hesitation in recommendi i. Sold by Groce ers, Iron ers, Oilmen, &c. Manufactory—V ICTORIA. PA RK, SHEFFIELD. PEPPER'S QUININE ano IRON. _ibsettoe, TONIC ar by T “ Dave Cc ouPaSt, L Lincoln. The On oo FOOD FOR INFANTS "| THOS, DE LA RUE & 00. LONDON. A PERFECT RESERVOIR PEN ‘@ ANY PEN OF ORDINARY SIZE AND ANY INK MAY BE USED,’ D8 E> FITTED WITH NON-CORRODIBLE IRIDIUM-POINTED PEN FITTED WITH GOLD PEN 5° a 7? 6? IT CANNOT CORRODE BEING MADE OF HARD VULCANITE OF ALL STATIONERS, “swirT” ‘WRITING INKS “SwiFT”. STEEL PENS Wholesale only of the Sole Manufacturers: BROOKS’ MACHINE COTTONS. pe BRONZE HAIR. — The lo te Bie ot an gaini only ww Aw bet a ata ‘74 cleat op eng be 1s. ais. For Gnting grey or haa valuable. MORSON’S Prerarations or PEPSINE, {252° a be Bl INDIGESTION. t (4: Gone "Bi tae. “Ted vy ei Chane” : i E 4\" (\v" iy wall FALTH! EXHIB" 1884

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL - —SEPTEMBER 12, 1885.

The “ NONPAREIL” is the richest, softest, and most becoming Fabric ever produced, and is minently suited for Ladies’ Indoor and Outdoor Costumes, Boys’ Suits, and Children’s Dress. AS does not exist whom this lovely Fabric will not become. It well merits the name “‘ NONPAREIL,” wee Pe me: \ The finer quatitics are equa) in appearance, and wear better than the very best Lyons Silk Velvet, and cost only a quarter of the price. Can be purchased of all leading Retailers, in all Qualities— Blacks, from @s. to Ge. per yard; Cotours, from 2s. 6d, to Gs, 6d; Fae yard. Bvery mn the back “ NONPAREIL,” to protect the blic from frau yard is stamped

WHAT SHALL I DRINK ? The LawceT my e have subjected the samples of the Lime Fruit Juice { - Monteerrat Company to full avalysis, with « view to test ite quality and purity. We have found it to ” n cownd condition. and EN IRELY FREER FROM ADUL TEKATION , and we counsel the public to dr.ak it ia preference IRI ONTSERRAT LIME-FPRUIT JUICE & CORDIALS. LIMETTA OR PURE LIME-JUICE CORDIAL Aromatic Clove, Strawberry, Raspberry, Pineapple Sarsaparilla, Jargonelle, Quinine, Peppermint. Retail from Grocers, Druggists, and Wine Merchants, everywhere Of the INTERNATIONAL Tue COLD MEDAL EALTH EXHIBITION,

“errr ~~ een ene HAS HEEN AWARDED = Benger’ .. warn Food A Dolicious and Highly Nutritive POOD, distinguished from all others by the ease with which it can be —, aad absorbed Tux Lospow Mepicat Keeomp says:—* Uncou edly s rest nee on any previous attempt in this dire e have RE SOap -

Ly Pu ct it im very many Cases With the most maz ked benefit. —lt e invaluabi » eporte by Tae Lancer and other leading Medical Journals . mpany each tin “}ENG ER 6 FOUD ts sald by Chemists, &c.. in TINS, et le. 6d 4. Gd. and be rmeay be had direct from the Manufacturers, MOTTERGHEAD & 09. (9. Paine 2 P. B. Booger), MANCHESTER. 4 PBL BPD PLD PAPA AA AAPA ll LL el ll

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#Qne of the most genuinely comic productions ever written.”—Daily Telegraph. ILLUSTRATED BY GC. KEENE. « Robert is a character, and his Diary is a work of genius.”—Daily Telegraph. 4 0 B E 4 T « Mr. Charles Keene is the illustrator of a book which in every line is pictorial.”—Daily Telegraph. P| # All who read Punch know and admire the convivial Robert; while people who do not read Fourth Edition. is. Punch may now alleviate their misfortune with this amusing little book.” —Saturday Review. Bravevay, Acxaw, & Co., &, 9, 10, Bouverie St. —— . — 33¥HL 301Nd “S9ON3d N° 2306. VOLUME EIGHTY- NINE. —— SEPTEMBER 19, {mealtts ote a Se eT) ees ie PUNO VOL. Ree ENE 4» P I) 4\ "5 ; Me is Va k | a >| ‘ey g 3 PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. HANDBOOK OF THE FARM SERIES, in Volumes, price 2s. 6d. each. | IMPROVED 1. THE CHEMISTRY OF THE FARM. 4. THE CROPS OF THE FARM. PROD U CTIVE 2. THE SOIL OF THE FARM. 5. THE PLANT LIFE OF THE FARM. | F ARMI 3. THE LIVE STOCK OF THE FARM. 6. THE EQUIPMENT OF THE FARM. NG. 7. THE DAIRY OF THE FARM, (trccats 8zz £2- vie 3 iy, —— FA | I

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Szrremuse 19, 1885.

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WHAT'S HIS OFFENCE? By | the Aathor of The Two 3 vols THE VERGE OF NIGHT. By THE LAW FORBIDS. By sow IN HARVEST. By Ipa ENTANGLED. By Miss Farerax Bras HURST & BLACKETT, Publishers OONCENTRATED pEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK PATENT Delicious favour. No digestion needed. Migh 7 eutettions Always ready. A s\imuiant without alcohol CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK Unriva ied for nutrition Vor all whose digestion is weak. invalids, deli- cate children, &e CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK Always available as a Restorative and agree able beverage Mise Fiemings.”

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NU JES, wr Dos. r Dow —————— Serremser 19, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 133 SEA-SIDE STUDIES. By Dumb-Crambo Junior, Enjoying the Height of the Seas-on. / The Bell Buoy. THE WAY WE ADVERTISE THIS WEEK, (Modern Sporting Specimens—very choice.) St LEGER! ST. LEGER! Buz BUSTER, the Old Jockey, who was suspended for foul riding, so far as 1874, and was warned off Newmarket Heath for life, in 1878, has now ready his final synopsis for the St. Leger. Has been snubbed by more Owners and thrown out of more Trainers’ stables than any other Turf Adviser of the Age. Follow Brrx Buster and ueen’s Tuzes, not to mention the Water Rates may follow you with impunity. Send at once Five Shillings in stamps to Post Office, Ropeborongh-on-the- Hill. RCOHER! ARCHER!! ARCHER!!!—Frep Ancuer boldly states that he has no connection with the Jockey of that name, but is prepared to advise Noblemen and Gentlemen over the St. Leger. Has several real certainties. Who sent 100 to 1 Chance for the Two Thousand Guineas? Why ARCHER! ARCHER! ARCHER! Frep ArcHEr sent Golden Ray, who started 100 to 1, and finished absolutely last. Who has sent Paradoz all the Summer for the St. Leger? Why ARCHER! ARCHER! ARCHER! Frep Arcuer has persistently, from what he has seen and from what he has heard, written up the chances of Paradox for the St. Leger, disregarding the fact that the colt was never entered in the ees R! A. challenges the world to produce a Tipster capable of & similar feat, Wispom 1. Boostes 2. LD MO., still in Portland, and not out, owing to lack of marks towards diminution of sentence, till next July, when he hopes to meet all his old pals at dear old glorious Goodwood, begs to state that his business is carried on during his absence by his nephews, Ixy and Mo Junr., and Incivility, Bad Language, and a Fight over each race nteed. No connection with Cucumber Mo, who should be avoided, as he comes of a bad lot. HE SPORT OF KINGS! THE SPORT OF KINGS! THE SPORT OF KINGS! THE OLD RED, GREEN AND YELLOW FIRM. Same Oxp Spor. Borrom or Horseponp. Cigarettes and Brandy, both British, for all British Backers! ! J XetER HALL. — GENERAL BOOTH’S PET LAMB. — (4 Drunken Danret, the Converted Welsher (vide War Cry), taighaow day, and will be te fst toler tyrone be bygones, and 8 da to let bygones ygones, an start afresh.— Addvecs, Post Office, Doncaster. WM: BENJAMIN BOLTER has no need to disfigure the columns F of the Press with loud and vulgar advertisements, proclaim- ing to the world how far superior he is to his fellow-men. facts. He simply says— That he is the Proprietor of the Whitechapel Vaticinator ; That his Newmarket Correspondent was a Hairdresser’s Assistant ; That his Special Commissioner was a Clown in a Circus ; That his Pall Mall Flaneur = a wae at the ‘ Spotted Dog,” W, And contidentiy hooves it to the Public whether he and his talented Staff are not in best position possible to ascertain facts from the Noblemen and Gentlemen who are the Turf’s leading supporters. GENTLEMAN, of great experience on the Turf, and one who i A in all the really good thi wishes to meet with a Gentleman of similar tastes to accompany to Doncaster. No applicants unable to put down £50 cash in the Firm need appl yn ply by letter to the Marker, the Burglars’ Rest, Skittle Alley, Berend ACTS, NOT WORDS. ¥ Thames Police Court, ’82—6 months for assault. do, ths do. e states Marylebone ’83—3 mon’ Thames do. ’83—6months do, Aintree ’84—3 months do. do. Epsom do. ’84—6months do, Croydon do. ’85—6months do. The above speak for themselves. Stocerne SamveEt is now dis- engaged, and prepared to settle any accounts over which Bookmakers may have trouble with their clients. ‘‘ Remember the Slogger’s Right.” (Tom Brown's Schooldayas.) W HO’D HAVE HOCUSSED PARADOX ? WHO’D HAVE ROPED MELTON? WHO’D HAVE LAMED THE BARD? Why, old Jack the Tout, honest old Jack, if he’d have had half a chance! Honest old Jack has had a bad time, but means going for the gloves now and winning. Such a chance for downright plucky sportsmen, with their hearts in the right place, has never ocourred before. Follow honest old Jacx, and shout * Break THE Rine!” CAROLINES AND PENNY-A-LINERS, Tue news received from Berlin that King Atrnowso had written a short and pressing letter to the German Emperor has naturally excited public opinion as to its contents, and though the Times says that “‘ nothing has transpired as to its tenour,” and adds “ that it is affirmed that the Emperor has communicated it to the Empress and the Prince Imperial, and that all three are very much impressed by it,” the following may be regarded as the authentic text of the spirited document in question. Events move fast, and its interest even now is somewhat on the wane; yet, as a factor in the present complication, it is, no less than the prompt reply it elicited, and which is subjoined below, not without its weight. Mannzip, September 14, 1885, Dear Royat anp Impenrat Cousin anp UNcze, Wuart on earth is to bedone ? Since my last the regrettable incident, to which I will not further refer, has, of course, accentuated the situation, and I fear, whether I will or not, I shall be forced now to assume an attitude that will fill me with lively regret. It is scarcely possible, in the face of the manifestation of popular feeling here, to escape the necessity of telegraphing to the authorities to make some demonstration on the spot. You see how I am placed. Could I not rely on your to o your own vessel to keep well out of the way, if only fora few days? This would seem suc a fortunate and desirable solution of the difficulty, which, believe me, at least here, is most acute and pressing. Jam writing this in my Uhlan uniform, that | have put on, not with a view to appearing in it in the baloony before the populace, but as a compliment to you, through your Ambassador, whom I am about to receive in audience. You see, therefore, that whatever obstacles beset me, I am still and always shall be, Your devoted and anxious Cousin and y patel PHONSO. Benin, September 16, 1885. Dear Royat LitrLe Brorner axp Neruew, 1 am profoundly touched by your appeal, and you may assuredly count on my most excellent will, Explain your wishes fully to Sorms. Though our worthy Chancellor not 80 Never mind the sgeaitelte in will smooth away the excrescences of the situation, and meanwhile keep up your Spanish pecker, and trust loyally to your old and devoted rposed it, our vessel will not trouble your ships, but proceed t me Ay incident. Di } Grandfather and Cousin, Wit. VOL. L¥XxIx,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. [Sepremper 19, 1885, A SCOTCH SKETCH. (GROWING POPULARITY OF THE HIGHLANDS ) Mrs, Smith (of Brizton), “ Lon’, Mz. Brows, I ’aRpL¥Y KNOO YER! THINK OF OUR MEETIN’ 'ZRE, THIS YEAR, INSTEAD OF DEAR OLD Manrgair! I surross THat's THE CostuME you co SALMON-STALKING IN?” LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL.* THE DIRGE OF THE DISAPPOINTED DINER. Arrn—“ Twickenham Ferry.”’ “ At a meeting of the Twickenham Local Board, the Chair- man (Mr. C. J. Tarvrr) stated that the accumulstions of mud in the river within their district were just as bad now as last | year. During the past week the Twickenham Ferry had been | unable to work from its usual place.’’—Gilode. Dear me, oh dear me, where is Twickenham Ferry ? (There’s plenty of mud, the stream running down !) I see not a so I’m not feeling merry, Though asked out to dinner in Twickenham town: They dine at, I’m certain, a quarter to eight, So I gaze on the mud-banks, bemoaning my fate ; For there is not a punt, or a skiff, or a wherry, Or chance of my dining in Twickenham town ! Dear me, it is strange, where is Twickenham Ferry ? (There’s plenty of mud, the stream running down /) I’m getting an-hungered, and savage feel very, They ’re punctual diners in Twickenham town ! I cannot get over, howe’er I may wish— They have finished the soup, they ’re beginning the fish, They have had a few glasses of excellent sherry— I would I were dining in Twickenham town! Dear me, it is odd, where is Twickenham Ferry ? (There’s plenty of mud, the stream running down !) I’d roast the Conservancy Board like a berry, For barring eo to Twickenham town! I’m perfectly sober, but something is wrong— Does Twickenham Ferry exist but in song ? [’m as likely to-night to be dancing in Kerry As taking my dinner in Twickenham town | * Where on earth has he been all thistime? Lazy!! There contribution, never was such a Lazy Minstrel! But, after this we are pretty sure to receive a visit from him.— Answer To A ConresponpEnT.—‘"‘ A Lover of Smax- SPEARE residing at Pegwell Bay” writes to know where the line— ** Ye potted shrimps with double tongue,”’ is to be found in the Works of the Divine Writ14ms, and if the coincidence may be taken to refer to the Poet's peculiar fancy for two dishes at breakfast, the one being tted shrimps and the other double or “‘ rolled tongue” ’ he line he quotes may probably be found in the first folio, but we have lent ours, and it has not yet been returned. ONLY An’ LETTER TO ASHMEAD BARTLETT, ESQ, (Care of the Right Hon. Mr, Punch.) My Dean Dame Bartierr,—You — to be more careful now you have asked yourself into office. You have been, so far, but a note of interrogation; promote yourself to a full stopnow. An I for an Eye has scriptural warrant, but the maxim may used. These remarks, my dear Dame, are due to a report of a speech — you made somewhere the other day. This is a bit of what you 8a) “ No language was strong enough to condemn the politician who under- rated the need for England of a paramount Navy. He [Eye, that is] would ass over the Imperial value of our maritime power—the glory, prestige, onour, these priceless attributes of a great and self-respecting nation. The sickly and pusillanimous cosmopolitanism and the flabby and fantastic senti- mentalism of our day despised these noble heritages of an illustrious past, and laboured to supersede them by the cult of every worthless barbarism and every antagonistic interest, and by their universal and new-fangled Panjan- drum, ruinous scuttle, and shame.” Now I never myself heard of any politician who underrated the need of a paramount Navy. My dear Eye, I thought we were all agreed about it. But your English, BarrLerr—your English ! I would charitably hope that you had taken too much of your hosts’ wine. But you had not. For if you had, you could not possibly have made such a sentence as ‘‘ the sickly and pusillanimous cos- mopolitanism and the flabby and fantastic sentimentalism ” clear to any human being, let alone a reporter. Try it when a little sprung. Then, dear Dame, what do you think you mean by “‘ a univ an new-fangled Panjandrum?” Whatisa Panjandrum? A prescrip- tion? ajoram? Unless you were haunted with vague ideas of your- self in the character of a little round button at top, I am unable to arrive at the remotest conclusion as to what you thought you meant. A common Panjandram is said to be akind of Javanese Common- d|sible homicides, and—alas!—one actual one, an unutterable nightmare. A “‘ruinous scuttle” is also a vile phrase, especially when suddenly wound up with such a common-place expression (so unworthy of you, Bartiert) as “shame.” Coals are dear, but scuttles are much as they have been since Oscar improved them. Think of your parents! Mr. and Mrs. Bartuert, Senior, will be summoned and fined by the School Board of Eye for not enforcing your attendance, if you go on like this. We will part on friendly terms this time, dear Dame, but do take care. Have you ever read the Ingoldsby Legends? Hardly, I should think. But consider this stanza with a variation :— Lord Satissuny, Ranwpoipn, and each Tory man May say what they please, and may do what they can ; But one thing seems remarkably clear— They may go out to-morrow, or stay in next year, Make his borough a “‘ district,” or anything try, They ’ll never get quit of the Member for Eye Warningly yours, Srratron STrRAWLESs. A HATEFUL HABIT. Cotowet Sir Francis Botton, giving evidence at the inquest held on the poor lady who died from the effect of burns received at the Inventions Exhibition, deposed that it was a very common practice to throw lighted matches on the ground at the Exhibition, and that he had been looking out for an accident of this kind for some months. Inspector RowLanD stated that on the same night he counted twenty persons who perpetrated this act of callous imbecility. Twenty pos- all from that unpardonable ‘* want of thought ” which is slmost as bad, and some- times quite as mischievous, as ‘‘ want of heart.” The Coroner and the Jury agreed that the mischievous habit must be ‘“‘ put down” ; and Mr. Punch hopes that the cruel death of this poor victim of selfish folly may at least have the effect of hastening on that ‘‘ consum- mation most devoutly to be wished.” —— Counctitman. A universal and new-fangled Panjaadrum becomes an

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al | mud 5 last been ere on, SepremBer 19, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 135 = THE GERMAN SAUSAGE AND THE SPANISH ONION. “ The question as to which of the two Powers may be entitled to exercise sovereign rights in the Caroline Islands rY\ WMI GY ky German Sausage, loquitur :-— | 1 cannot *‘ eat the leek,’”’ of course— : - . : is not sufficiently important to tempt the Imperial Government to seek a solution of it by departing from the conciliatory tradit i : fiiendly to Spain.”’—Prince Bismarck’s Despatch to Count Solms. , story traeeiiane of Ho peliey, whic Rave chwege beun expectany \\\ \\ \ \ y! \\\ NN)? f AIAN vi CN NA Mos Ss Wy es I’m sure that we were never meant ’T were easier to eat you ; | _ To gobble up each other. “ Owton is strength,” methinks I’ve heard. But is there nothing but sheer furce ’t frown at me, you furious mite, you! - of a sort, no doubt. To settle ’twixt us two ? | _ You really do me hee 4 Tw be a little bit absurd Cheer up, my odorous esculent! I’ve not the smallest wish to bite you. For us to tumble out. 1 love you—like a brother. | You are (winks) so awfully strong ! ON A CERTAIN RECALL. Some hint Sir CuaRuzs in wisdom was found lacking. That’s probably a case of Wanren’s blacking. Batt every Evenine. Admission, 6d, ’Arnry THE AxnisTocraT.—On the wall of what is called “‘ The Etablissement,” at Ramsgate, is posted up this notice —** Szizcr an

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —__—__ [Serrempen 19, 1885

A SHORT HOLIDAY CRUISE. Over old Ground—On Board—The Mystie Umbrella— The Composer in a New Character—Arriwal— Under Weigh. Oxce more going North from Euston, with my friend, Cutis the Composer, whose charming song ‘* The Past is but a Muddled Dream,” recently created such a furore in musical circles, both bound for the Yacht Aramintha. e go by the Limited Mail, and find an un- limited female trying to take possession of our seats. She has had, - however, to argue with a sturdy Scotch Guard, and is now confronted and Ee utterly to rout by the lawful owners. disappesrs, and is no more. It is late in the season for a cruise, and we fear the weather is breaking. We hope for the and are more or for the worst. Uneventful journey. At Carlisle, hunger being a sharp thorn, we < | a cup of luke-warm and doubtful coffee and attempt a nibble at a slice of bread-and-butter, to which the description of some fine ancient i ¢ : apply —‘“‘curious, old, and very dry. t is nine minutes past 5 a.M., and the Guard did not inform us that, as we were bound for Stranraer, we had at least a _ quarter of an hour to spare, instead of being hurried off in five minutes. Why has he kept this a secret ? ere might have been something better at Carlisle, after all, than the above- mentioned fossil bread-and-butter, tepid coffee, and indifferent tea, which last considerably upset the poser’s equanimity. How- ever, he justified his professional claims by composing himseif to sleep; and repose, not conversation, being our object, we were more or less somnolent, and perfectly silent. N.B.—North Britain. Sunrise effective. I draw the Composer’s attention to it, thinking he would like to compose something about a Sunrise,—say a Sunata,—but he only turns round and burrows into the cushion, muttering ‘Sunrise be blowed!” The Composer is evidently a trifle crusty. To Dr. Watts’s rad, “I have called him too soon, I shan’t call him again.” We the ** Irving Arms Hotel.” ey a theatrical district. onder if there's an ‘‘ Irving Legs Hotel”? Nobody visible; only geese and donkeys out at this time of the morning. This observation would not be a safe one to make in the presence of a man gifted with what in Shakspearian times was styled “a pretty wit.” He would be sure to use it somes xe. In his t sociable frame of mind, I fancy oe Ree r = ried I gave him a oe, Gy th b mfries.— poser murmurs, as he gazes wearily throug the window at nothing in particular, ‘‘ Um! Castle of Dumfries. Let me see—what magpend there? Siege—I think—subject for cantata—or opera.” he dives down again -foremost, and disappears under a rug. At Lochmaben, or some such name, which sounds to the initiated as if not ray | un with the mysteries of Freemasonry, we don’t stop, but only considerably sledeen speed, and the train poate as it were on tiptoe, so as not to disturb the sleeping inhabitants. ’erhaps there’s a ial si up “‘ Please don’t wake the Station Master.” If not, it is remarkably htful of the driver, and let us inelude the stoker, who may have suggested this idea to the driver. Stranraer.—We both regard one another dubiously. The sea is, there is no concealing the fact, the sea is just a little calm than we could have wished. Composer, i i announces his intention of taking which is to convey us to Larne, in qualms. We embark. We breakfast. I am bound to admit, an excellent breakfast, as this meal, in Scotland, universally is. Also cheap. It is ready for you immediately you come on board, and you sit down to it before the boat starts. Verbum sap. After it, I lie down in the saloon, being unwilling to trust myself on deck, a ing which would result in my arriving at the Yacht a mere wreck, a pale phan- tom of my usual self. But I know that the evil hour must come. 1 have a presentiment. So I stay below. The Composer excitedly hurries down, to inform me that the Captain ias got a powerful magnetic umbrella which will much interest me. It attracts the compass. Let it; it won’t attract me; and I remain where I am. J’y suis, j'yreste. When thesteamerstops at Larne, however, CULLINS, who is as brisk as if he had never done anything all his life but skip up and down a companion, insists upon my seeing the in go through his pestoemanes with the compass and the umbrella. CuLLuvs acting as showman, having taken the Captain entirely under his patronage, as I will now explain. In the Captain’s existence this episode of the ie umbrella marks an epoch. He is just now full of it. I believe that till CULLINS came on board he has been in the habit of delivering a series of seriously scientific lectures to detachments of passengers, con- A Figure Head.

sisting of as many as can at one time find standing-room in the little deck steerage-house, to whom he has at considerable length enlarged on the divergences of the compass as affec by a magnet: umbrella; and in this instructive exhibition he has generally been assisted by any amenable passenger who would earry the umbrella and obey the Captain’s directions. But with the a ce of Cuttuys all this is changed. CuLins, in spite of his being an emi- nent composer, has a hard, sharp, and undeniable manner with him, which takes a stranger by surprise, and compels him, on the first impulse, to render blind obedience to the Composer’s dictates. Physically, the Captain of the steamboat would make three of Cutiiss, but the latter holds him with his glittering eye, and has much the same effect on the Captain, as the magnetised umbrella has upon the compass. The Captain is talking to a friend, and is on the point of quitting the ship. But CvLiis won't allow anything of the sort. “Here, Captain! Hi! hi!” he eries. ‘‘ Come back! Here’s the gentleman to see the umbrella.” And back comes the burly Sea Captain, with a rolling gait, like one of his own steamers in a ground swell, and submissively produces the umbrella, inviting me to follow him into the steerzge-house. ** Ye’il just mark the compass,” he commences, very slowly, being evidently deeply impressed by the immense importance of this scien- tifie phenomenon, when CuLLins cuts in— “The Captain means,” says CuLiins, briskly interrupting, and | acting as a lively showman and also interpreter, as though the Captain | ed toon addressing me in some strange foreign language,—** The Captain means to say that he wants you to see the effect which that umbrella—its frame is made of magnetised steel—has upon the compass.” The Captain, who has not yet recovered his breath, he has been so completely staggered by the words being taken out of his mouth, nods his head in token of assent, and is evidently beginning to ask himself whether he is in a dream, and if he is still commanding on board his own ship or net. But Curtis, whose tone and action have drawn a certain number of idlers from the landing-stage, and caused some of the departing passengers to pause, having now got together something like a respectable audience, with me as a sort of chairman, to whom he can personaliy address his remarks, continues in his sprightliest style— i eh a “You see,” he says, addressing me, in my aforesaid imaginary capacity, in the first instance, and then taking his audience into his confidence right and left, ‘‘ one night the Captain looked in here, and found the compass was indicating the wrong course——” Here he turns to the Captain for corroboration, and obtains it, the Captain bending his head slowly forward like a mechanical wax figure. From his puzzled expression I can see that CuLiins is not putting the case with nautical precision as concerns details, but that, on the whole, the narration is correct, and the Captain, listening to his own story as if he were hearing it still in a dream, cannot recover himself sufficiently to wake Up, and tell it properly himself. " ** And,” continues Cuxtuns, looking round at his auditors, who, from their attitude of respectful attention, I fancy now begin to think that he is either the Managing Di of the Company, or the sole proprietor of the steamers on the Stranraer and Larne route, ‘‘ when the Captain noticed this, he took charge of the steering him- self. The compass still varied, turning this way and that way ”— here, following the dramatic movement of CuLLins’s hands, the audi- ence listen with breathless interest,—‘‘ the —— as a thoroughly experienced sailor,”—here they all regard the Captain with admira- tion, and he himself looks modestly down, as though he were havin his health proposed by CuLLuvs, and were meditating what on ear he should say in reply,—‘‘ knew that there must be some counteracting influence. But no one was here with him, no one was, as far as he could see in the dark night, outside. But, not satisfied, he looked out again, and then he saw an elderly Gentleman.” The Captain nods, and intimates that CuLLiys is now on the right tack. a I, in my temporary character of Chairman of a Scientific Associa- tion listening to instruction, give a dignified bow of encouragement to the lecturer, the audience draw breath and won't lose a word of it. CuLLins proceeds :—‘‘ The Captain asked him to step in. Directly he did so, the compass went right round at him.” Audience takes this literally, and show signs of alarm. They think CuLLins and the Captain are Spiritualists. ‘“*‘ The Captain said, ‘ Sir, you have some- thing about you which interferes with the true action of the compass. The middle-aged Stranger indignantly denied it. The Captain re- quested that he would allow himself to be searched.” Great excite- ment among audience. All eyes on the Captain. Captain a bit bewildered, evidently doesn’t quite recognise himself in this part of the narrative. CULLINS goes on as if he were : “The gentleman resented this. The pointed out that he couldn't allow his ship to be run out of her course, and all their lives endangered because the elderly passenger bad & bit of steel in his pocket, or whatever it might be that so povertally affected the compass. Well, he was searched thoroughly, nothing was found.”

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rged tised rella se of emi- him, e of | has rella ting Tre’s Sea and llow eing ien- Sepremper 19, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 137 thless interest. Everyone, myself included, expecting that Prag nom would turn out to be a sort of human e o-eel, a very attractive, and yet a shocking sortof person. = — The Captain having partially recovered the use of his voice, is heard tp murmur something, but CULLINS won’t have it, and means to go on as he has begun :— : “In order to be searched he had to take off his coat, and to do that he deposited his umbrella outside. The search being over, he went out at the left door, but this time the compass didn’t follow him, but pointed right. Out went the in,”’—this sounds like the son and chorus of ‘‘ Down went the Captain, down went the Crew,” an | fancy from a note in the Composer’s voice, that a reminiscence of this is in his harmonious and retentive mind; it is at all events an opportunity for a chorus which everyone present has allowed to escape,—" Out went the Captain, and there was an umbrella.” Immense sensation. g dramatic situation. ‘Is this yours ?’ he ealled out to the ger. It was. ‘Then, look here,’ said the Captain, ‘this umbrella has been magnetised, and you might have wrecked us all with it.’ Audience thrilled with horror. CuLirns ints to the Captain, and says :-— “Captain, have the goodness to produce the umbrella, and show us how it aets upon the compass.” The Captain, as passively obedient as the mesmerised lady who carries out to the letter the conjuror’s orders, at once complies. He doesn’t say anything, but he moves the umbrella first to the right, then to the left, and we all crowd round the compass watching its extraordinary revolutions. Everyone exclaims, ‘‘ Well, that is curious!” and generally regard Coxiis and the Captain with a lurking suspicion that they are confederates in a swindle, and that there will be something to pay for the show. “Now, Captain,” says Cutts, authoritatively, “take the umbrella outside.” The Captain obeys. He takes it outside, and looks at us witha enrious sadness through the window. The compass persistently follows the movements of the Captain with the umbrella. ‘“ There’s clearly no trick about it,” observes one of the audience, in an undertone, to a friend, who replies, “‘Oh, no; it’s quite genuine.” Then the little crowd breaks up and melts away gradu- ally, as they do from the front of a Punch and Judy Show when the man is preparing to go round with the hat, while I hear murmurs of “Oh, very eurious! most interesting!” as they disappear one by one, and two by two, in a surreptitious, shuffling sort of way, as if they were conscious of poe Ce ge a showman under false pretences, and were now ing off without paying for the enter- tainment. 1 am left standing by the compass. “Tt is most remarkable,” I sagely observe, and I don’t know whether to congratulate the Captain on the acquisition of the old umbrella, or to condole with him on the loss of his brand-new one, which, he informs me, he has given to the mysterious and dangerous passenger in exchange for the magnetic instrument. It is a second-hand kind of article, and, as a protection against rain, is, I see, utterly useless. Certainly the Mysterious Traveller got the best of the bargain. A voice from the quay here sings out, “‘ Hi! you fellows!” and, in another second, CoLLINns has caught the tone, forgotten all about the Captain and his umbrella, and, exclaiming to me, ‘‘ Hi! here! Come along! here’s MELLEVILLE,” he has hurried over the gangway, and is shaking hands heartily with our host and old friend MELLE- VILLE, owner of the Amari I wish the Captain ‘‘ Good-bye!” and ida our friends on the pier of Larne Harbour. ‘Blowing a bit fresh,” observes Metievitte. “ Bat I suppose you'd like to get under h at once ?”’ Certainly, if that suits him. It does. And so, directly we are on the Amarintha—and to reach her we have a somewhat wneuy experience in the gig, rowed by four of the stalwart crew—we shall start for—where ? ell, we 8 make for ut we shan’t get there to-day, * Well hall make for Oban, but han’t get there to-day,” jm Ry oe ; “though,” he adds, ‘it ought to be a very good -day. Couns the Composer, no longer the Showman, Lecturer, and the despotic Commander, seems, 80 to speak, to have retired within him- elf, and to be disinclined to come out again. Once more, traps and all, on board the Amarintha. The Ama- riitha evidently wants to pet sway she is very restless, and is eee shout as fresh as a that has been three days shut up 8 e. Up she goes! Down she ! Sideways she goes to the left! Sideways she goes to the right! Up she goes! Down she goes! le Now, what would you both like to do!” asks MELLEVILLE, heerily, CuLtmrs and myself,—I see the in his eye, and I feel it is in mine,—would say, if we might phe wate Ty “ Please, Sir,— |™ vy to go back again.” But we are here for a holiday cruise, answ | aaa er, boldly,— | “Well—I think—I'll—in fact, I think I’d better”—(Up she goes! and down she goes! and sideways she ! and roll she !) —* I think I'd better go below, and—lie doun,—o ? Don't you ? s Ps y,” returns MeLirvitie; “far the best way,—and get Cutts has already vanished. I descend the companion, U she goes again! Whop she goes! Yeo ho! One, two, three, pull’ Round she goes! Sideways she goes! Can’t ae. Down she goes! Where's berth ? Sideways she goes! Berth meets me half- way. Whop she goes! Over she goes! Flop she goes! Down she goes! And down I go, flat on my back—and they don’t see me again till dinner-time. appy and Consoling Thought.—The great Netson was always ill when he first came on board ship. Up she lo Down she goes! Rattle, rattle, rattle! Flop. Boom bang! Whop. One, two, three, pull! One, two, three, pull! 8S-s-s-swish she goes through. the water! Wz are under weigh. About she goes! Sideways she goes! Oh! And poor Teing Towed in. rer Rabbit lays low. (To be continued —I think.) A SONG FOR SKEGNESS, Py rh just the piace for a few hours at +o sea-side, ne pe of i ‘Cheap-tripper,’ with pe ee | sands, whereupon can disport themselves with perfect safety.””—Standard. Do you like the North Wind with the roar of the seas, As the spray flies afar on the boisterous breeze ; Do you care for a pier that is terribly long, With a room at the end for the dance and the song ; Do you sigh for a place where there ’s no need to dress In fine clothes, then away to the shores of Skegness. Are you fond of cheap trips, when our ’Axky’s about, And his rather cacophonous laughter rings out ; Do you go to the sea-side to ro and joke, And to ride up and down on a poor little ‘ moke ;” If you care for a swing, if you dare to confess To a love for Aunt Sally, go to Skegness. If you care by the far-sounding ocean to stand, And to watch little children b forts on the sand ; If you wish to be photographed there by the sea, With a pipe in your mouth, as if out on ne ; Why, go to the Lincolnshire sea-coast, and Your stars that you thought of a day at Skegness. If you like a plain tea, here are folks “ on the job,” o will do it for ninepence, with shrimps for a “* bob.” Hot water costs twopence, no great store of pelf While the wily excursionist brings grog himself. There ’s a whale too on view—it were to express All the wonderful things you can see at Skegness. Are you fond of a neighbourhood perfectly flat, With never a hill that’s as high as your hat ; Do you care for a place where, you must understand, There is nought to be seen but the sea and the sand, With an atmosphere bracing ; you’ll pack up, I guess, And go off for a trip to that breezy Skegness. Seasonable Munificence ? A Diowrrany of the Established Church, in a pastoral on Funeral Reform, recommends the performance of obsequies with decent economy, and suggests that such sa of expense might be devoted in some part to a charitable or useful object. Excellent advice ; but little, perhaps, likely to be followed by survivors who feel them- selves heavily enough burdened with Probate and Succession Duty. Cowper’s Task. (In the “ Nineteenth Century.’’) To show the Rad the merest of scares, , And prove that the ' Old Whigs” are not without /eirs. Morro ror rue Norrs Caicxer Team.—“ Saaw to win!” ————— Oi Tar Sia ante a

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—— _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Sepremesr 19, 1895, —_—_—... OTe a if = , > =/s NS ARUR ey » | Hi ii iad ‘ Ij. | iY MH ) N! 1 ATH | 11 | / A DAUGHTER OF EVée. Mamma, *“‘ Weir, Eva, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING IN THE GLAss FoR! SMARTENING YOURSELF UP?! EH?” Eva, ‘Om pear wo! J pon’r WANT TO LOOK YOUNGER THAN | REALLY au!” THE POLITICAL POLO MATCH, **Ho! give the Hobby-Horse more room to play ia!” Cries the old singer of *‘ The Morrice Dance.’ The Hobby Game, as played our modern day in, Lacks not for scope. how they spur and prance, The rival Champions at the old-new sport, Loved now as in the days of Haxry’s Court! Modes shift, but motives change not. Fast and furivus Waxes the fray as in old tilting lists. Lay on! lay on! Can such hot zeal be ious ? After the ball! eager turns twists ! What is the sphere that makes such toil and trouble 7 Is it more firm than Folly’s flying bubble ? Who, in mid-chase, asks wi:at the quarry ’s worth ; Hot on the trail and fierce in enalatied ? Polo pour rire may move Sage to mirth, Bat a pea-bladder-bout ’s an occupation As serious as exchange of thunder-blasts In red and real Bat: ilst it lasts! Thwack! Thwack! This way and that way flies the ball, As each bold rider deals his mighty ‘* smite.” Which one shall make a which fail or fall ? Are solemn questions in sheer night. Who can help musing, though, ’midst all the pother, How like the Champions are to one another ? Did they change Hobby-Horses—fearsome thought To their excited backers, howling yonder !— Had they perchance under changed colours fought, What would have been the difference, we wonder ? Would oa base fought with less Or would world have come to utter smash ? But each his mount has chosen, for the time, And each seems bent on winning this one match ; Each to outpace the other burns. Sublime, When in the Hobby-Tourney Patch meets Patch ! Yet some may feel, by furious feints unshaken, Such fights may be too seriously taken ! A PHILISTINE ON THE PRIMROSE. Is there any such Primrose as a September Primrose? Lord Tx- Nrsow, according to an admirer of the noble Laureate, has answered the question in some lines in his In Memoriam, representing * The primrose of the later year As not unlike to that of Spring.” The Tennysonian, touching this testimony of Tennyson's, justly remarks that: “If he says that there is such a primrose, we msy | rely upon it that he is right.” Nodoubt; but does Tznnrson sy | that there are any aut primroses other in their kind thas autumnal apple-b ms, abnormal and uncommon? Everybody | knows that primroses in September are nothing like so = us blackberries, and that there is no proportion whatever between the Michaelmas Primrose and the Michaelmas Daisy. ’ Is it quite impossible that the “‘ primrose” of In Memoriam may have been a slip of the pen, and that, by the flower so written down, | the Poet in his own mind really meant the croous, that is to say th | Autumn Crocus, identical to the eye with the Spring Crocus— meadow-saffron (Colchicum autumnale), so celebrated as a cure for gout and rheumatism ? Dryaspvst. —= Mem. by M'‘Calvity. | “ Balder—the Hope of Spring—is nothing but a symbolisation of reviving Nature.”’— Times’ Criticion pay 9 C. W. a's" Song of Balder,” pre duced at the Hereford Festival. Reviviwe Nature? Hope of Spring? That’s pleasant! Bat quite a piece of humbug, I should say. Were it but true, 7 were rejuvenescen For I—alas |—am Balder every day

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Seprremser 19, 1885. FS RO BRN S * \)

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Sapreuser 19, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 141 —— SHOOTING DISTRICTS. (By Dumb-Crambo Junior.) Bread all Bun. Killin. THE TOURIST IN TOWN. Tue ‘‘ Fixer” on THE THAMES. | How to get on Board.—By paying a small charge, rising from | one penny up to four shillings and sixpence. The Money-takers, as a —_, are either extremely melancholy or ultra-savage. The former generally sell in a plaintive sort of fashion cheap cigars and super- fluous hat-guards, the latter show a disposition to question your | right to a ticket by vacating their boxes when a steamboat hails in | sight. — purchased your voucher, you get on to the pier, | which is usually undergoing certain mysterious repairs. Some of the | landing-stages are bright with flowers and substantially built, but | others (notably that of Vauxhall Bridge) are gloomy and shaky. | A man who sits upon one of the benches at the pier just indicated is | worthy either of the Victoria Cross for bravery, or apartments at | Hanwell, Colney Hatch, or Hottoway’s In-Sanatorium at Virginia | Water for ne lunacy. The usual fashion of conducting em- | barking and disembarking, as adopted by the ‘‘Servants of the _ Company,” is to allow the boat to ———- the floating barge | within measurable distance, to make an abortive demonstration with | arope, and ultimately to huddle the passengers over a watery chasm _ with a long jump and the ery, “‘ Now then, look sharp, if you are | going!” Pier-masters of a j turn of mind, however, prefer the ee “‘Crushtoe Act,” which consists in bringing the end of the ladder sharply and unexpectedly down upon the feet of people wait- ing to come ashore close to the gangway. Impressions on Board.—That the River certainly might be cleaner, | —you have your doubts whether it could be dirtier. If you eo to have travelled in other steamers, you will be surprised that Londoners can put up with such miserable accommodation. If you take up your place in the bows, you will probably be half pen by rank tobaceo ; if you keep in the stern, you will certainly | de sprinkled with ‘ blacks” from the funnel. In either position you | Will have to sit upon a hard bench fashioned after a very primitive | pattern. Should the rain compel you to take shelter in the ‘‘cabin,” | you will enter a small, badly-lighted, wretchedly-ventilated apart- ment, which in the course of a few minutes will, from excess of s0- journers, become intolerable. At the entrance to some of the cabins you will find * Refreshment” counters (faintly reminding you of street apple-stalls) furnished with buns, bottled ale, and other luscious luxuries, Returning to the deck, you will notice that the funnel at high tide is a thing not to be di ed, especially if you to be seated underneath it when the boat is shooting a bridge. If you escape the funnel, it will be as well to look out for the atten- tions of the gamins who line the summits of the Westminster and Waterloo arches, because those attentions are more boisterous than t. To sum up, if it is fine, will get covered with soot ; and F it rain, you will have the choice of either being drenched on eck or stifled in the cabin. Under these circumstances, it is not astonishing that the Shareholders of some of these steamboats have Frit ee greatly troubled about receiving an embarrassingly heavy . several. If you are fond of running — near Twickenham you can take a ticket for Hampton Court, ail Seal have the of travelling by a vessel specially ut for the voyage, which moves at the rate of at least two knots an hour. If re are more ambitious, have learned to love ‘* Southend- on-Sea,”’ and have not Scotch views about the First Day of the week you can embark on board a “‘saloon steamer” on a Sunday, an travel down to that pleasant watering-place. Such an excursion will reveal to you that the golden rule of the vast majority of the passengers is ‘‘ When in doubt drink a bottle of beer,” and that the vast majority of the passengers consequently and seemingly spend their entire time in a condition of chronic perplexity. You will also note that a ‘‘ saloon steamer” is conside incomplete unless it ee a band of aged musicians, who Jook like sailors who have nm instructed in the elements of music by self-taught Mermaids, very late in life. You will also observe that a large per-cen of the excursionists seemingly have recovered at some time or — from a smart attack of small-pox, and a yet larger per-centage are addicted to the fine old English occupation known as ‘‘ drowning it in the bowl.” If you have no objection to beer, music, suggested con- valescence, and horseplay, you will find a water excursion to Southend- on-Sea altogether charming, but if you are not particularly fond of > i entals’”” why—why— you had better go by some other route. Besides the above-mentioned diversions, there are, occasionally, “moonlight trips,” which are conducted with a certain, or rather uncertain, consumption of stimulants. Farther a-field—at one of the Kentish watering-places—this idea was adopted by the owner of a private steamboat, who was fad perteee is) in the habit of carrying out of the local jurisdiction of licensing Magistrates a cargo of baccha- nalians bent u drinking spirits during land-prohibitive hours. It is reported that the captain of this mirth-provoking craft near| became a second edition of the Flying Dutchman, by finding himself unable to see the pier (or rather he saw a great number too many piers), and, consequently, to enter the harbour! The legend relates that the strangely-steered vessel knocked about the bar until some hours after the store of alcohol had been exhausted. General Conclusion.—That the river flowing through London is one of the finest sights in the world, and the most convenient high- way imaginable, but that the fleet of steamboats is about as worthy of the Thames as the Fleet Ditch was worthy of Fleet Street. Cannot some patriotic descendant of the im AN Tromp, whose family has been long enough settled in London to love it, sweep the existin conveyances from the water, in em of his great ancestor, an thus clear the road for vessels of better construction? Vaw Tromp, Van Tromp—bearer of the mystic broom—to the rescue ! SPEAKING “GENERALLY.” Nor very long ago, Lord Narrer or Macpata’s suggestion that Retired Officers of the Army should be employed in civil occupations, was immortalised by one of Mr. Punch’s expertest Artists. A General was represented as having cooked a chop to a cinder, ruined a pair of boots in the vain attempt to polish them, and smashed the -lamp while feebly striving to clean it. In spite of this discourage- ment, other warriors (both British-born and foreign) still seek for situations, as the following advertisements—cut from the Daily News of the 27th ult.—clearly demonstrate :— ERMAN GENERAL, speaking little English, with good references, open to immediate engagement.—To be seen, &c. WO GENERALS. Together or separate, Good characters, —Apply, &e. It seems almost eruel to sneer at the evident desire of these veterans to ‘‘ make themselves generally useful.” The appeal of the two Generals with ‘‘ good characters” (no playing whist until 2 a.m. at the Senior or putting into the Derby Sweep at the Junior United Service more than they can afford, but real *‘ good characters!) is quite pathetic. The aged soldiers, who no doubt have fought and bled on many a well-contested field, are anxious to come “ together,” or should cruel fate otherwise decree (stout, brave hearts !) ‘* te.’ No doubt they would like to serve shoulder to shoulder, side by side say as cook and house and parlour-maid, or nurse and under-nurse But business is business, and should there be only one vacancy, they will dry their eyes, wipe the tears from their neeey moustaches, and come ‘‘separate.” Strange to say, theidea of Lord Narien of MaoData is not entirely original, but merely an adaptation from Mr. Perys In his Diary for the year 1665, just two hundred and thirty years ago (this calculation deserves a prize for arithmetic!) the then Secretary to the Admiralty wrote :— “Tt might have been better for the King to have his hands tied a little than have such a crew about him, and be liable to satisfy the demands of everyone about him. But what! You shall see the captain turned a shoemaker, the lieutenant a baker, this a brewer, that a haberdasher, the common soldier a porter, and every man in his apron and frock, as if he had never done anything else,”’ General of the past So the whirligig of Time turns making the the shoeblack of the future, the Director of Warlike Stores of yester- day the Manager of Co-operative Grocery of to-morrow | £12, a, i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

v1 MBER 19, 1885, |

VESTMENTS! (Our New Incumbent was disposed to be ‘* High,”) Younger Countryman. “I zay, GRARGR, WHAT WUR THAT Parson HAD ACROST HIS Suouppers "Sunpay! ‘LOOKED LIKE somE Oo’ HIS WIFR’s THINGS,’ Elder Countryman. “’Ca-anT za¥Y 'M ZBEWER. I HEERED UN ZAY A WuR ‘Sroie.’” Younger Countryman, “Srore! Na, na; I wovtpy’ rarnk THAT o’ ‘Parson! More LIKE SOME 0’ THESE "ERE NEW ‘ARVEST Diox’ RATIONS ||" — A SHOT IN THE DARK. w his evidence given before the Committee on Building and Repairing Ships, the late pean of Naval Construction; has not much encouraging news for those who are looking hopefully to some signs of progress in the Ordnance Department :— “* We may,” (says this candid official) “ design a “oe for what we call a 40-ton gun. Wedo not know what a 40-ton gun is; we do not know its charge; we do not know its projectile; we do not know its length ; we do not know its my 4 of recoil, » although we have to take it up. All our ships are ee for an unknown gun. Beyond the knowledge that it will weigh about 40 tons, we know nothing, we have to wait for years before we do know.” This confession of absolute ignorance is not encouraging, yet, at the same time, there is a

ed plain-spoken about it that the future. ite as haw Ba such excellent authority, that for all intents | and purposes, one arm of the service js working without any relation t| the other, tO s0-ton gun,” (or is | turning out a ‘ ‘ortsmon’ a ae the oe sa what ies a rently vaguely = When the latter emporium bo! boldly cont that all its ships are ——~ unknown gun,” and i in fact, fut of the Laureate, Y says, concerning its own special business, ** Behold, we know not anything!” it is high time that yes 4 - the matter, and such appears to be opinion of the late Director of Naval On" struction That “‘ we shall have to wait years,” as he su ‘in a 7 vein, “* before we do w,” may, however, be doubted, in the face of recent The new Argete gat Oa © belition at Portsmouth will probably be designed to hold a gun sbout which the Cnastastan will have been furnished with some pre- liminary particulars. After the admission of their late Director, it is to be expected that their own energy ‘of recoil will be equal to the task not only of taking the new gu up, but also to making themselves j ously uainted with its length, the amount of its charge, and even with the p wan thy of its projectile.

“READY, AY READY!” Tue following bon mot, 2 propos of the and Spanish difficulty, that bu been going the round of Berlin,” deserves, s0 says the Correspondent of the Times, “to be mentioned,” and he furnishes it accord- ingly. Here it is:— “<* Avez-vous recu des nouvelles des Caroline!" inquired a member of the Telegraphic Conference the other evening of the Postmaster-General ats social gathering. ‘ Du tout,’ replied his Excel- lency Herr von StErHan with ready wit, ‘ Dw tout ; mais bien de nowvel, ~ 2 Carolines. Voila! essayons !’ as he offered his interlocutor s bor of the best Havannah brand, amid the applause of the bystanders.’’ The story i is, of phos my excellent, and the wit remarkably 1 and the applause of the bystanders, must have been literally con with laughter at this brilliant and remarkable outburst of | Excellency Herr Vow Srepuay, in y But what a pity that the hanes 80 age wn the matter of quan’ Evidentl . sion such @ ag. Ee laune off-hand—and the above show no signs of previous preparation—satire may La hat of eo hay at eee aw eap m been flying about the other evening at the Postmaster-General’s social gathering. Indeed one can only regret that the wary —_ oe is Seat partie for the blicit to this ae may did nok Loe od keep his ears They ought certainly to the next good thing that i enough food thing that i perl

New (SrantsH) Version oF A¥ Ow Paovers.—** Yap may be a Hold-fast is a better.

Dw Oe er Om Oe as se

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& | ‘xe tethiS ered Saprmuser 19, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 19. THE END OF THE CRICKETING SEASON. A FEW OF THE GENTLEMEN PLAYERS CAUGHT BY Our Artist AT Lorp’s. yt all ye who love ~ see our gotie Sit | \ ere you may get a them, their faces their backs, And thane are trond,’ aat those an bright for merry men of muscle Are they who on our British sward have met in many a tussle. Foremost stands Witt1am GrtBeRt Grace, he of the raven beard, By British bowlers dreaded much, by British boys revered. ta twenty years our Champion un: . , still he sands _ boyish steel, shoulders, ty bands, y, and hands that sever © muff,” “ring” have never quantum suff. if asked who would he choose to be i FSRYEST of W. W. Reap, scores right few They do not “‘ drive” as once he drove—for sixes. Cam’s preat sons Find yet another member in his neighbour, genial ‘‘ Buns,’ The Slogger C. I. Toorwron, save by Bownor never beaten, Who spanked o’er the Pavilion when, a lad, he played for Eton, And can hit to the next parish when he fairly “* lands” a ball. Lord! how the ——- chortle at his hitting clean and tall ! Brilliant O’Brren, Oxford’s joy, comes next, then Surrey’s crack, The slim and supple Drven, clean of limb, and straight of back, Who runs like Gzorex, and throws like Thor. Next stands his smart, dashing J. C. Suurer, who right well has played his part. Far to the right sits A. G. Srext, ex-Cantab ecarbe Alike of bat and ball, to none save only W. G. Second, the pride of Lancashire, in style, Close at his wpe bn | stands Behind the stumps unbeatable, bat Without sits A. P. Lucas; he to none afoot need yi In mingled fire and finish, so correct and clean psy, All hope upon the tented field to see him many a day. So Punch’s pen plays picture- , and gives unto the million, That joy of every Cricketer, a Peep at the Pavilion A Daxore vor Drwamrrens.—Mr. Parwett, at a net lately iven Se oe ee aan een aa it might a one 5 plank pationsl indegeneense, Tefots be boned thet’smne them will, by their acts and , be finally brought to a platform composed of more planks than one. 2 me BME Wp ok Sli ea lll nal a ea

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144 FITZDOTTEREL: OR, T’OTHER AND WHICH P ae Gg T0 CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, by = Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ———__ [Serremprr 19, 1885, (By the Earl a L-tt-n.) ** Supposing I was you, Supposing you was me, And supposing we both was somebody else, I wonder one we should be?” Cayto IV.—MvuppLEeMeEntT. Tene is a legend—and a legend, told In verse, at length, fills up a lot of space.— "Tis of a Little ee who, though old, Was active, and assiduous in the chase Of tnat great Magnet of Humanity—Gold. One Market Day she to the Market Place Set forth, at the best speed of her old legs, To sell,—and her commodity was eggs. Bat age, though active, is at times inclined To somnolence inopportune. Our Dame, Half way to Market, felt she had a mind For forty winks. She was indeed to blame ; The King’s Highway was really not designed For ancient ‘‘ Happy Dossers.” All the same, Stretching herself upon the sloping sward, She slept ; some scholiasts even say she snored ! A passing Pedlar spied her prostrate form, As, covered by her long grey linsey gown, Beneath the hedge she slumbered snug and warm. The Pedlar’s name was Strout. An angry frown Showed his strict soul was stirred as with a storm Of indignation. Then he eat him down, Drew forth his scissors (Here we do the same, And snip out twenty stanzas trite and tame.) ‘* He cut her petticoats all round about Up to her knees.” So says the naive old story. ’Tis probable the Dame and Pedlar Stour A Sun Myth and a Mystic allegory Adumbrate. I can trace therein—— (No doubt ! But—snip!) A ballet-nymph in all her glory Shows skirts less brief than did our poor Dame Durden As home that Pedlar plodded with his burden. Knee-nipt by a North-Easter, she awoke, Knowing herself no whit. ‘ Jt is not I!” She shrieked. This strikes me as a subtle stroke Of poignant tragedy. Identity Must not be trifled with ; it is no joke To lose one’s self. That poor old Durden’s ery Sky-cleaving from beneath her cloak of camlet, Is awfuller than the wail of inky Hamlet. So found Firzporrerrt. He got mixed and jumbled, Like our old dame, beyond self-recognition, And, to mend matters, he and Hermann tumbled Down a crevasse together. Their position, When found, was puzzling. Doom’s dark voice had rumbled About them bodingly ; weird premonition Had dogged them close. And now the thing was ended, They found poor HemMann by a rope suspended. Brrvor had thrown it to his aid,—it coiled, Serpent-like, round his throat. The hand of Fate May not be dodged, nor Doom’s decrees be foiled ! Down, down they flew; FirzporreRE.’s very weight His friend’s last slender chance of safety spoiled. Slung o’er a peak thev found them, all too late, Suspended, Brevor by his waist, and Hermann By his snapt neck. Poor rash, rough-tempered German ! This for the local press was food most dear, And thus ’twas summed :—“* We hear, with deep regret, The dreadful death of a young English Peer, One Lord Frrzporreret.” (Full details, you bet, Here follow.) “* His companion, mere small beer Of Teuton tap, it seems, is living yet : Though—having interviewed his lady-nurse— We fear no case of smash could well be worse,” Ah! poor Potonrus-Epenwxiss! He read This “par.” some three months later. shouted, ‘* Wondrous is Fate— and Science! Baervor dead, And by a sus. per col.’ And I half doubted Heredity, ng Mareas hobby, led By love, which theory and experience flouted ! Awful! Delightful!!” Here he tore his hair. A Savant’s triumph, and a Sire’s despair, ————$ _———— ** Heavens!” he A Provers ror Praycorrs (with Mr. Punch’s congratulations t Mr. Harris).—A vast amount of Human Nature can always be both before and behind the Curtain—at Drury Lane! Morro ror Gaeenwicn. — ‘‘The early Boorp picks up Ds Worms.” Mixed, make a queer emotional salad. Mized ? All Life, like Teas, is mixed, the black the green In varying proportions, which betwixt Kong-fu-tzee’s—( Scissors sharp through seventeen Stanzas on Souchong ') EpkLWEIs8 soon fixed To hunt up Hermann ; but Evangeline Had fewer rambles after her strayed lover Than EpeLweiss in striving to recover Traces of Pumprrnicket. Souls are harried— In fiction— by Fatality ’s machination. Lost clues, long illnesses, missives miscarried, All sorts of cob-web fashioned complications, (Until of course they once gct safely married) So few were else Romance’s “‘ situations ” ’T would puzzle e’en a poet, and a Tory, To fill two vols. octavo with this story. Those who have some experience in such things, Would be exceedingly surprised to hear, That the fortuitous angel without wings, Who nursed ‘‘ the comrade of the fated peer,” Was other than “‘ Lone Gretcnen.” Fate that brings Such miracles about, to our dull sphere, Would lend a charm beyond all contradiction, If it would not confine them all to fiction. Lone GRetcHEN nursed him back—of course —to life. This—well the Little Woman, when she woke From wayside slumber, felt less mental strife As to her own identity. ’Tis no joke, Especially when one would woo a wife, To halt, like Burrpan’s oft-mentioned ‘‘ Moke,” Between two selves, as fogged as Lord Dundreary O’er finger-counting. Brxvor grew quite weary Of asking ‘‘ Js it IT?” and envied much The Little Woman her unerring dog, Whose bark could put the question to the touch. So stumbled he in doubt’s Serbonian bog. Nosce teipsum? Nay, how could he clutch Comfort in that, as, lying like a log, He passed long weeks in a perpetual pother, Revolving Who is Which, and Which ts T ’other ? **Oh, for some sweet, all-solving Strawberry mark!” He murmured, memories of Bor and Cox Glimmering through his spirit’s mental dark. But no, the nigritude of Ancient Nox Environed still his spirit’s storm-tost bark. Meanwhile Lone Gretcuen, of the ochre locks, Watched, listened, and amidst his broken blether— ’Cute Teuton maid !—*' put this and that together.” Lone GreTcHEN was—well, lump all SHaxspEaRe’s ladies With Becky Sharp and a Mesmeric Medium, And you will have her. Proserpine in Hades, Or PsycuE in Beeotia. (There is tedium In leagues of Lempriére, so—snip '!) A maid is An oasis in Life's flat, seedy, greedy hum, When she’s as fair, and what the cad calls ‘‘ fetchin’,” As that shrewd piece of saintliness, Lone GreTCHEN. At last her fever-phrenzied patient rallied, His wits still wandering, but his bones all whole ; Forth for a solitary stroll he sallied, And spied a huge pipe with a china bowl, e Behind which loomed some features vague, which tallied With some vague memories of his muddled soul. A rush—a cry—and on the sward lay scattered The smoker and his pipe to fragments shattered ! ** Donner und blitzen! Iam choked! Let go!” Sputtered a German voice as through a fog. ~ “ Firzporreret, Keep your Pecker up!!!” “Oh! Ob! Shrieked the Much Mazed One, falling like a log On Epetwertes’s shirt. ‘ At last I know Myself! You’re better than the Old Dame’s dog You dear old Sausage! Let me have a cry! Heaven hath mercy on me! Itis I!!!” a d 5am i = whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless secompanie?

Page 195

dies Oh!” lations to be found aie PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Szrremezn 19, 1885. SYDNEY, NEW BEFORE HIS HONOUR Yn Equity.—(Before his Honour the PRIMARY JUDGE.) ENO v, HOGG. Another case of commercial piracy was disposed of by Sir WittmaM Maywrne on Tuesday last. Mr. 8. P. Hoaa, having been proved guilty of infringing the Trade-Mark of Mr. J. O, Ewo, of Fruit Salt renown, was assessed in damages to the tune of £100. This is the third case of the kind that has been before the Court during the past few months. Eno was the Plaintiff, and Davies & Co., of Goulburn, were the Defendants. The charge was that the Defendants had infringed the Trade-Mark of the disclosed the fact that the Plaintiff's bottles and labels had been closely imitated by the Defendants, and the Judge declared this imitation was the result of a deliberate intention to defraud. The defence was a practical admission of fraud, and the fact that it was set up is itself a sufficient justification for the sentence of the Judge. The Defendant pleaded that the term ‘‘ Fruit Salt” was applied to several other manufactures besides the one for which he was responsible, and that his commodity was so Plaintiff in respect of his preparation known as Fruit Salt. The evidence | THE ANTIPODES. SOUTH WALES. in the Court of Equity, THE PRIMARY JUDGE. dissimilar to that of the Plaintiff that there could have been no deception. Paraphrased, the former part of the plea says:—Other people do what I am accused of having done; therefore 1 ought not to be punished. Fortu- nately, that kind of reasoning has no weight in the Supreme Court. Th latter part of the plea was contradicted by the production of packages of the Defendant’s commodity. These did not exactly resemble the Plaintiff's preparations, but there were many points of similarity between the two. As the Judge remarked, “‘the imitation was not so palpable as in some other cases, yet it had gone as far as the imitator dared.” The suspicion is created that when the Defendant included the words “‘ Fruit Salt” in the name of the commodity which he manufactured for sale, his intention was to deceive. Frauds of the kind referred to are common, and the public of course suffer greatly thereby. The expressed determination of Sir WiLLiam MANNING to severely punish every person who may be proved guilty before him of having committed such offences, will, however, have the effect of causing manufacturers whose Trade-Marks are being infringed to prosecute the pirates, and thus the evil, we may hope, will be made to cease,— syed in an original channel, could not fail to secure reputation and profit.”—Apams. TX SECRET OF SUCCESS.—“ A new invention is brought before the Public, and commands success. by the unscrupulous, who, in copying the original closely enough to deceive the P ublie, and yet not so exactly as to infringe upon legal rights, exercise an ingenuity that, CA UTION.—Examine each Bottle, and see the Capsule is marked “ ENO’S FRUIT SALT.” imitation. Sold by all Chemists, Directions in Siateen Languages, How to Prevent Disease, Prepared Only at ENO’S FRUIT SALT WORKS, HATCHAM, LONDON, S.E, by J. C. ENO'S PATENT. | Sydney Morning Herald, July 2. A score of abominable imitations are immediate! y introduced Without it, you have been imposed on by a worthleas PRIZE MEDAL WHISKY of the CORK DIS TILLERIES CO,, LIMITED, gx PRIZE MEDALS FOR IRISH WHISKY. First Prize Medal, Philadelphia, 1876 ; Gold Medal, Paris, 1678 First Prize Medal, Sydney , 1879 ; Three Prise Medals, Cork, 1883. CARLTON THIS D KE ay “VERY fine, full flavor | and ELEVEN SK ib Ge aL. pirit."—Jurors’ Award, Philad GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, lem eatennial Exhibition, 1876. 25a, the Gall. ; 50s. the Doz. “TNQUESTIONABLY as fine Caen Onts. a specimen as one could wish to see.”— Jurors’ Award, Cork Exhibition, 1883. THIS FINE OLD IRISH WHISKY may be ha mA ped es me Wine and Spirit Dealers, and is supplied to whole- sale merchants in casks and cases by THE CORK DISTILLERIES CO., LIMITED, Morrison's Island, Cork. CanaiacE Pa. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N.W. BOTTLING STORES— Broomssvay Manwston, Haut Sracertr, W.-C. Agents for Indla—CUTLER, PALMER, & C0. LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. SILVER MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, LONDON, 1866. In consequence of Imitations , LEA & ERRINS' BA U ¢ HEERING Ss which are calculated to deceive the Public, Lea & Pennine beg todraw attention to the fae ttn u ONLY GENUINE each bottle of the Original and COPENHAGEN WORCESTERSHIRE oy ori, isis nian CHERRY ts. pe tare PETER ¥ HEERING, BRAN DY. Praveron sy Aprpotwr- — to tas Rovat Dawism awo Iurrntat Ressias vats, aso H.M.H. tee Parcs op Wates. Gee irvin * Bold Wholesale by the Proprietors, W orceste generaiy. Retail by Dealers in Sauces throughout the W« docu @ Maaeubens, London , and Export Oiir mas | Tikheel | cures SCIATICA, RHEUMATISM, LUMBAGO, In addition to its W onderful Effect in | TIC, FACEACHE, NEURALGIA, and TOOTHACHE. } ife, Certain, Speedy, Piensant—the paradise of all Specifics,""—Vide a grateful Journalist. COLT’s DOUBLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as supplied to H.M. War Depert COLTS SINGIE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, «* adopted by the Unite States Government L' “FRONTIER” PIBTOL takes the Colt and Winchester Magazine Rifle cartridge iy ai cones HOUSE REVOLVER, POCKET REVOLVER 4a To bring this valuable remedy within a DERINGER, Tor the Vase pocket; bax the reach of all classes, Tixnex. ia now p~ 4 Colt’s evo! an are used all « { COLT’s DOUBLE-BARRELLED sKOT GUNE and z RIF ad th put up in bottles at ls. 14d. Of all Chemists, | MAGAZIN {= me ty % e Colouies or post free for 14}d, from COLT’S FIREARMS Co. ,14,Paii Mall, Londons. W CLARKE, BLEASDALE, BELL & CO., YORK. The 2. 64, size as usual. Puerry Vrorran.n, Pe feetiy Harm- lene; Will re- Gold Medal, 188% faye TED INFANTS FOOD THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS SAVO & OF CHEMISTS &c EVERYWHERE in #tomac! ae Fe ame! ; sion into Pat 4 foe peeks all hemists | are Botanic uetidaeto, Sen ewxfordst,W.C. inten Fry’ AWARD ‘Ve y S | | Guaranteed perfectly pure Cocoa only. NINETEEN PRIZE MEDALS. THE NORMAL DIURETIC APERIENT ‘Cocoa \\ Extract. Ba \ Ww Vane / al With \\\ ,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Serremeer 19, 1885.

6 e 4 2) 1°) = oO Oo 4 ~ v = > % < e) 1 4 m < 4 =) Q Q Z < & Z < mx oO < 7 hy f m =) ou CHAPPING PREVENTED. a wer a

( MPLEXION AND : JYICE_FJANDS: PUTVTVTTTTT ST Stet tadattedttetnttatate? PIPE Vervevrrtrtrt(rtTT

|

soft skin. Without them the handsomest and most regular features are but coldly impressive, whilst with them the plainest become attractive; and yet there is no advantage so casily secured. The regular use of a properly prepared Soap is one of the chief means; but the Public have not the requisite knowledge of the manufacture of Soap to guide them to a proper selection, so a pretty box, @ pretty colour, or an agreeable perfume too frequently outweighs the more important consideration, viz :— the composition of the Soap itself, and thus many a good complexion is marred which would be enhanced by proper care. [a= adds so much to personal attractions as a bright, clear complexion, and a

a a i hh hh hh ne PyVVeTe TTT TTT eT Tere Tee

ver SKIN, Prof. Erasmus Wilson Writes in the Fournal of Cutaneous Medicine : ar HE use of a good Soapis certainly calculated to preserve “the skin in health, to maintain its complexion “and tone, and prevent its falling into wrinkles “ ,... PEARS is a name engraven on the “memory of the ‘ oldest inhabitant’; and PEARS’ SOAP “is an article of the nicest and most careful manufacture, and “one of the most refreshing and agreeable of balms for “the skin.”

T is absolutely pure, free from excess of al matter, is delightfully perfumed, exceedingly durable, has been in go repute nearly one hundred years, and obtained Prize Medals 1851, 1862, 1867, 1875, 1876, 1878 and 1879.

‘ ‘ 4 hose skin is deli itive to ch in th wine : ; . “8 persons wove ereather, winter orsunmet, {| Lestimonial from [Y)adame Adelina Patti. PEARS’ transparent SOAP . is invaluable, as, on account bi its emollient, non-irritant ¥ HAVE found Pears’ Soap matchless for character, Redness, Roughness and Chapping are prevented, bi 4 a . ” aml a clear appearance and soft velvety condition obtained, and a good, the Hands and Complexion. healthful and attractwe complexion ensured. Its agreeable and lasting fume, beautiful appearance, and soothing properties, commend li i it as the greatest luxury and most elegant adjunct to the toilet. Ade ina Patti.

FOR THE TOILET AND NURSERY. @ PEARS imniSOAP

TABLETS and BALLS, 1s. Eacu. Larcer Sizes, Is. Gd. and 2s, 6d ( The 2s. 6d. Tablet is perfumed with Otto of Reses). A smaller Tablet (unscented) is sold at 6d.

A. & BR. PEARS, L Soap apakers a SWE LONDON, W.C. by Appointment to .iR.b. _- Che jPrince of Tales. Manufactory : BLEWORTH. EARS’ SOAP is sold everywhere, but UNSIST on having PEARS’ as vilely-tnjurious imitations are often substituted for extra in, even by dealers who would be thought “ respectable,” some of whom attract the — into their shops or stores by marking EARS’ SOAP az less than cost price, and recommend some rubbish on which they get a large profit. 91, Great Russell Street,

“HISVM ON—AABAVM V AO SSHNNIHL BAHL. OL Gusn Aa AYN

_—— Ct Ot Ae OC ante Band Catnnnee te Ore

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IM PR OV E D HANDBOOK OF THE FARM SERIES, in | olumes,price 2s, 6d. each. RODUCTIYE 1. THE OMEMISTRY OF THE FARM. | 4. THE GROPS OF THE FARM. R 2. THE SOL OF THE FARM. | | 5. THE PLANT LIFE OF THE FARM, . | 6, THE EQUIPMENT OF THE FARM, FARMING. 7. THE DAIRY OF THE FARM, —__

BIvNHL BIOUd “ZSON3d

VOLUME EIGHTY- NINE. § a nN _— 0.) a « ml —_— — OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREE T, ___ 450 80 LD BY ALL BOOKSELL ERS.

SODA , WATER, ) POTASS WATER, SELTZER WATER, { 6s.06, gen Bes. } Excluston of Bottles, GINGER AL ck Wwe ey MALVEEN GLLTZER, 4s. 64. ver Doz. hide C alte mx the United Kingdom. A list of leadin et sent on a ay hg 3. SCHWEPPE & CO., 51, Berners St.,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Szrremezr 26, 1885.

NOW READY, PRICE SIXPENCE. LoOX¥GMAN's MAGAZINE. OCTOBER. Cowrenrs :— By William Black. Ry the Author of “Christina North,” a the Practical Effect of Palse Statements. By A. KR. HE Otto A Romance (Comtinaed ) Leadon LONGMANS, GREEN, & 00. Just Reedy, the OCTORER Part of “THE SEASON” LADY'S ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE. A JOURNAL DEVOTED TO FASHIONS BXCLUSIVELY. By RB. L. Stevenson. Price SIXPENCE Monthly. Post Free, 64. Bach monthly Part con- taire about Diastra- Dress and ties oof flat Paper Patterns, &c.

Edition with Three Beautifully-Coloured Plates and Patra fupplement containing Novelties and New Needlework, \s. Monthly; Post Free, ls. 34. Published at 13, Bedford Street, Covent Garden, W.C., London, and to be obtained from all Book- sellers, Newsvendors, &c. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 1825. BONUS YEAR —1885.

t 3 ‘Burjsejyg 4sSuciIW t¢ ‘papiaip Apeauje snuog EDINBURGH, 3, George St. (Head Office). LONDON, 8, King William Street, E.C. 3, Pall Mall East, 8.W. DUBLIN, 66, Upper Sackville Street. Baaxcu Orrices a¥p Aoencizs & Lents any THs CoLon iss.

y Epler y. Issurance as exceed, Light « ahayfHillions Sterli

SEASONABLE DELICACY.—WITH BROWN & wae CORN FLOUR AS BLANO-MANGE, OUSTARD, OR STEWED FRUIT; BAKED PUDDING,

Nors.—Unlike many other Corn Flours, this bears the name of its Manufacturers, who offer the guarantee of their long-established reputation fo its uniformly superior quality.

“THE RESILIENT” BRACE.

and STUTTERERS Should read a little book written by Mr. B. Beascer, who CURED HIMSELF, after suffering for more than Turert Yesns. Green Bank House, Hall Green, near Birmingham. Free for 13 stamps. §TAMMERERS

In consequence of complaints from persons victimised by having worth- less Colourable Imitations palmed off upon them, Messrs. CONDY & MITCHELL, Sole Makers of CONDY’S FLUID, beg to remind purchasers to look for the name of | their Firm on the labels.

KROPP’S REAL GERMAN HOLLOW-GROUND ss RAZORS. Require ALWAYS READY FOK USE,

Grinding. The finest Razor ever manufactured Mr, Hewat Iaviwe writes—“I find your Razors excellent.” The money will be returned if the Razors are not as represented Black Handle < am ae ie, In Leather Cae complete 6d. . ~ 1s. Od, 2 Ble. 6d.

1 Pair im Leather Case . 4 Rasors.. 7-Day ‘ ases complete .. ee . = oh Dealers, or direct fran the Englich Depét, , FRITH 8T., SOHO SQUARE, LONDON, Ww. FROM SEAWEED AND CLYCERINE. FIELD'S SAMPHIRE SOAP. A SIXPENNY TABLET EQUAIS TWENTY | SEA-BATHS. Samphire Soap contains Eucalyptol, and leaves a film of this velightfully refreshing and cooling balm on the Skin after use. Miniature Tablets can be had at Messrs. J.C. & J. FIELD'S Stall at the

Inventions Exhibition, Western Annexe Of all Chemists, Grocers, and I — Warehousemen throughout the world & J. FIELD'S GOLD MEDAL OZOKERIT CANDLE MANU- FACTORY, LAMBETH, 8.2. Inventions Exhibition, Geld Medal, Highest Award, GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR — The yy * nuance “ FPoncée™ can be colour of an Salt ony by W. 8 WINTE Price 6s. 64., 10s, 6d., 21s. » tinting grey or faded air AKIN E is invaluable.

| The quickest, surest, and most effective FIRE

|} and mention “ ch. EXTINGUISHER is the HARDEN “STAR” HAND GRENADE, which INSTANTLY. puts out UNEQUALLED FOR PRIVATE RESIDENCES, PUBLIC BUILDINGS, COUNTRY HOUSES, YACHTS, STEAMSHIPS, THEATRES, &c. Consists of a Blue Glass Globe or Bottle, filled with a chemical fluid eaane when broken over or into the Flames, INSTANTLY EXTINGUISHES THE PIR. Always re ~ for use, cannot get out of order, and, being hermetically sealed by a Patent Stopper, the exclusive property of this Company, will keep indefinitely. Can be hung round every floor of your Warehouse, Office, or Factory, and in every room of your Dwelling. Operates instantly. w not injure Clothing or Persons. Hundreds of Fires have been extinguished, and Thousands of Pounds Saved, by using the HARDEN “STAR” HAND GRENADE. 45s. per Dozen nett. BEWARE cof IMITATIONS, none of which are hermetically sealed, and are therefore worthless, The Blue Grenade alone is genuine, and its colour and form are regi istered. Exhibitions every Thursday, admission by Ticket, obtainable without charge a THE HARDEN “STAR” HAND CRENADE FIRE EXTINGUISHER CO. (LIMITED), » 1, HOLBORN VIADUCT.

a TO BE OBTAINED EVERYWHERE. Masufactured by JON GOSNELL & CO. London. DRESS FABRICS AT FIRST OOST! §—BRADFORD MANUFACTURING COMPANY, BRADFORD, YORKSHIRE, Will, on receipt of le tter or post — rer rward, POST I TREE, Sample Patterns of their Novelties in Dress Fabrics for the Autuma Season, includ- ing the “ Scar- boro” aa * Windsor” all-

RLGISTERED TRADE MARK, Wool Disgonal Stripes, and many others too numerous to mention ; al! un- equuiled for price and quality. Tus Lanonet Stocx ~ Tae Kewepom. Carriage paid to any part of the Kingdom on all 9 over £1 in value. Highest Awurd at the * h Exhibition. Write at once, Waaniwa.—As a security

to the Pubiie, aun article and length of material sent from the B. M. Co. will bear their well known Registered Trade Mark, a“ Giri at the Loom.’

S. & H. HARRIS’S HOUSEHOLD EBONITE WATERPROOF BLACKING. FOR BOOTS AND SHOES i Does not injure Gs jaan. Requires 20 brushing. | POLISHING PASTE. | SOLD EVERYWHERE. Manufactory ; UISITES. RE PLATE POWDER. ‘BRUNSWICK BLACK. oves or Iron W ork STEEL POWDER. r Bright Grates and Five Irons. FURNITURE POLISH. USE COMPLET&c WITHOUL THEM

57, * MANSELL STREET, LONDON, E. HOWARD’S PARQUE FLOOR COVERINGS

IMPERISHABLE AND ECONOMICAL 26, BERNERS STREET, W OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMIicay FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KivGngy Tikhee cures SCIATICA, RHEUMATISN LUMBAGO, In addition to its Wonderful Effect s TIC, FACEACHE, NEURALGL and TOOTHACHE, “ Bafe, Certain, Speedy, Pieasant—the panied all Specifics.’ *—Vide a grateful Journalist &@ To bring this valuable remedy withis the reach of all classes, Tixurr so put up in bottles at 1s. 14d. Of all Cheng or post free for 1444. from CLARKE, BLEASDALE, BELL & 0, YORE. The 2. 6d. size as usual

If you are a man of business, weakened by the su of your duties, avoid stimulants and tale HOP BIT TERS. ou are a man of letters, toiling over yow aig t work, to restore brain and hove cada = HOP BITTERS. Ifyou ~Ert and growing too fast, or {yam oullerin ma the om s ANT over-induigens, HOP BIT TERS If you are married or Je, old or young, seis from poor health or guishi ng on a bed f sickness, take HOP BITTERS. Have you Dysrersia, KIDNEY Or URINART com? of the _- BOWELS, BLOOD, rvs, } NERVES? iD be cured if you take HOP “BIT TERS. ey rus Faceut

Universality Paescaisep TAMAR INDIEN CRILLON. A laxative and refreshing Prait Lozenge CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, ame, — Loss of Appee™ bra) Congestion oremed by E. GRILLON, @, QUEEN STREET, ©! TY, LON — , Tamar, unlike pills and the usual poy arbi agreeable to take, and never roduces os ~| nor interferes with business or pleasure. "ol Chemistsand Druggists. 2s. 6d. a box, stampisclee® a na GOLDEN HAIR—ROBARE'S tiful Golde produces the beau oe Sermons

admived. Warranted Se 6d. and Chemists throughout the World psx & Sons, 31 and 32, Berners etree

o 10s. 64., of alt principal cate ome . ae

FEE. Bae = eB gaE? cries

Page 199

seal Nod a ee 3 l " a - \"“S REE RA) Fae

| “Es |

Sepremner 26, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 145

TOURING IN THE HIGHLANDS. “Hutto, Sanpy! WHY HAVEN’T YOU CLEANED MY CARRIAGE, 4s I roLp you Last Nieut?” “Heron, SiR, WHAT FOR WOULD IT NEED WAsHING! IT WILL BE JUST THE SAME WHEN YOU ’LL BE USING IT AGAIN!”

EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF AN EMINENT CITIZEN. am spending my month’s holiday in the Isle of Thanet. I select serie eee the land of my birth because I meet here a meee 5 number of acquaintances to whom fortune, or rather perhaps, I strict integrity, has not been s0 itious as to myse. = ve learned to treat me with that abundant respect at is w» enoditable to thems, a> center. On three several occasions have I trusted to their tr log experienc, and accepted their perfect! unbiassed opinion that we have a lovely afternoon, and on eac of these occasions have we all been bitterly disappointed, and the regret of the honest fellows that have so unwittingly deceived me has been so poignant, that I have felt it only reasonable to alleviate it in some small degree by paying them on each occasion double the sum I should hove old ad it been a nice bright ——— ? . Poor fellows! it was venite sad to see how wet their shiny es were One of them told me he was so afraid of what he called “ Rhu- matics,” that he was forced to drink a glass of hot rum-and-water whenever he got at all wet, so of course I felt bound in honour to pay for one for him, on these aren com occasions. I should not like to ave it on my conscience that I had been the cause of the poor fellow suffering all the tortures of rheumatism from _his desire to give me a pleasant sail on a sunny sea. Joszrn GREENHORY, ta LE, advancing tide. pone brow, and The fresh battlements to woo ag — me is the consummate ignorance

CONSOLATION FOR GLOUCESTER. Tuoven their wins have not earned them the — place, Their losses they ’v ve borne with a very good

LATEST YACHTING JOTTING. By Dumb Crambo Junior.

Page 200

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — SEPIEMBER 26, 1885, “ONCE HIT TWICE SHY.” Guest (taking Keeper aside’, ‘‘ Loox ners, Surragns ”—(gives half-a-sov.)—“ PUT ME OUT 0 GuysHor or Taz Squirg. He pors Ssoor s0 PRECIOUS WILD, AND MY NERVE ISN’? WHAT IT USED TO BE!” SOME MORE CONFESSIONS, To the Editor of the T-m-s. Srr,—What your Correspondent, Mr. Samvet Ropenrts, of Elmer Road, Woodside, 8.E., acknowledges that he used to do in concocting ‘‘ Special Correspondence” for a Paris news- paper, is absolutely nothing to what is done constantly in England. When I was on the Staff of the Hole Haven Daily Argus, we frequently forged and inserted letters bearing such well-known signatures as ‘‘ W. E. Giapsrong,” “ Sarissury,” &c., and was never once authoritatively contradicted! Perhaps the distinguished Statesmen I have named did not habitually peruse the Hole Haven Argus. _ Bat I think our real masterpiece was the forging of a bogus telegram from the Soudan, giving details of Abu Klea fifteen hours before the battle was fought! We only made a trifling error of a few hundreds in the numbers killed, and put the site of the battle a thousand miles nearer Khartoum than it really was. But what of that? It was considered a jour- nalistic triumph (by our ane and was due entirely to powerful imaginations and a perusal of Mr. Mvuray's valuable Guide- Book to Egypt. Seon afterwards we published a leading article, consisting simply of two whole pages |to my complete mastery of every existing | foreign lenguagsGanngees many that never stolen from Macavtay, and nobody found usout! A slight dispute with the Propris. tors as to the value of my services, termi. nated in my ——e ejection from the Argus premises; but I assure you I bes the paper no ill-will. Still, I was not sur. prised when I saw that the Editor had found change of air on the Continent imperatively necessary after the publication of that on dit about the Archbishop of Cayrexsray having been convicted, in earlier days, st the Central Criminal Court, for forging his own Ordination Certificate. I say I wa; not surprised—the Argus deserved what it got for having dispensed with the ingenious n of Yours obediently, Sept. 20th. Ex-Eprtor, To the Editor of the T-m-s. Srz,—At the present moment I am resid- ing in Camberwell, but a few months since { was in Paris, where I occupied a really im- portant journalistic position, It was owing existed at all) that I was appointed to the simultaneous offices of ‘* Special Correspon- lent with the Black Flags,” to the G-/-s, ‘Our Own Commissioner in the Cholera Districts” tothe “ Intr-ns-g-nt,” and “Special Correspondent in Madagascar” to the ‘* F-g-ro,” besides doing an occasional (bogus) ‘* Interview” with some prominent Politician or Social Star. You ask how this is worked? Nothing simpler. You (or rather I) collect all the | available newspapers published in the dif- | ferent countries where one is supposed to be, which is the case of Tonquin or Madagascar is not a protracted task. Then you read what the Encyclopedias havetosay about the climate, local customs, appearance of natives, and soon; if you ean get hold of a trust- worthy, and at the same time an unknows, | book of travels, so much the better. In this adroit manner one gets as much | local colour as is needed, and the total result | is a Literary Mosaic of a very rare and valu- | able quality. Its value to me (weekly) was | a couple of hundred franes. Yours unblushingly, JEnemy Sr. To the Editor of the T-m-s, Srr,—Your article on Gaols is one of the best things I’ve seen in print for a long time. You remark that “it may be ques tioned whether it is altogether wise to put high-class criminals, of the embezzling and financially fraudulent class, to herd with professional pick pocketsand housebreakers. ( don’t know about the wisdom of this ar- rangement, but I can bear personal testimony to its being most unpleasant. _ I feel sure that confirmation of your | Editorial remarks, from any quarter, will | be welcome. It will perhaps be enough for your readers if I say that I was “in” 4 | Dartmoor for a crime in which forgery, em- | bezzlement, the manslaughter of a partner | in a sham Stock Exchange Agency, and attempted arson, were the chief features of any public interest. Believe me, Sir, the brutal Governors of Gaols have no idea of what is due to social rank. I expected, of course, to be trea like what I was, and always shall continue to be, I hope, namely—a gentleman! But the whole body of warders treated me as 4 Common Convict! When I threatened to write to the 7-m-s, I was put in a punish- ment cell for twelve hours ; and I now take the earliest opportunity (on ~ by ey from confinement) to carry out thoee’ I enclose my Ticket-of-Leave (whic please return), and remain, “ Yours, &e. Iu1- Use.

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ot sur. ——— ["Serrewoen 26, 1886, PUNCH, OR THE LONDUN CHARIVARL — KEEPING THE WOLFF FROM THE DOOR. “Sir Hexray Drummond Wotrr has every reason to be gratified by the treatment accorded to covering that the compliments and civilities lavished upon him do not in the least affect the tenac ity with which the Turks cling to their ideas.”"— Times Se > a + > | = ™ Sse YY, TTT ey call. A ppp eer REC EERE os Uncle Remus sings :— Og «J Wolff he up’n he kinder sorter Brer Wolff he totes a bushy tail, santer De Turkey totes no ha’r, m., . To de Turkey-Buzzard’s door, But if Brer Wolff o'er de Turkey ‘ud per- _ Brer Wolff he sorter aay ya, es Sez he, “I spose I kin enter ef I wanter ?” wail dle—some da $ * You let me in, and I'll sk ' ! ae - Turkey-Buzzard say, “ Wha’ He ain’t got no time fer ter spar’. Brer Turkey-Buzzard he say,“ Wh-u-wsh!” or?” De Tarkey-Buzzard he | De Turkey-Buzzard he oy perlite, gy A we ng agente = Alligator, e Jurkey-Buzz ’sacu’ Brer Wolff h nstus sly ; ike de ole man yer afore; He never walk twel dark _— Bat dey saad s de door ‘it de day en de But he’s sorter boddered wile dey keep him s En nuthin’ never ’sturbs his night waiter Ez tight ez de gum-tree is plan, | ‘Till der folks is a askin’ why. Et de Turkey-Buzzard’s door ! ** When you be a-goin’ ?” de Turkey-Buzzard bim personally at Constantinople, but he is dis- © ENS Rae «

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148 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A SHORT HOLIDAY CRUISE. — Night— Morning — Real P. First Afternoon.—In m going through the process of ‘‘ getting it over.” The cure takes abou seven hours, A other,

but superfluous.

Form).— will be e tive.” Here we go up, up, here we go round yet round, oh! the future, founded’ upon some considerable experience in the past. They are comparatively quiet on deck ; the only a most irritating capboard-door which hasn’t been ae hes fastened, and so swings pom eee and forwards, creaking at every lurch coming —s a —— w stand. Creak, creak, whack, whack ! Creak, — <—. — ~ = ail nes creeee-ak, then sudeal and vivaciously, whack, whack, bony i and so on until we ‘ ut,” when it shuts itself with a Bang tha I hope has secured it Gor ever. But no, as the yacht pitches forwar taking a header ody pare there were somebod for hours, and ote lust gasp had forced the lock with one supreme aa te owe Fe the end of some sure there ane such Denes 90 eS Sees) imps the wir high spirits of jokers yet unborn, or practical jokers who bad ~ in the world for a few hours, or weeks, and then—quite in Keeping with 1 not caring what trouble and grief they caused their parents—departed this life without the slightest ex tion. te fy une porte soit ouverte ou fermée, and if I can only get off m to fix = without endangering my enfeebled constitution, I Lie I raise myself on my elbow, and LT it interrogatively, as much as to say, “‘ Now are you goin this the whole or will ou be quiet ?” And the mp in the cupboard comme t9 eatantenl @ hat is passing in my mind, for the door remains closed and appears to fit so neatly, that I can scarcely believe I haven't been dreaming. So I lie down again and close my eyes. In a few seconds I am conscious of the wardrobe-door being stealthily opened with pearealy an} noise. I look at it, wondering what its next move t mine will be too. It remains opeh at right angles, as it he which way to fo) ¥ when, without any warning, ~ poy rll, andthe —y + ett’ then slams angry creak and —— | left, then itself back, then the inoffensive stand, so savagely, hat _ oo See at scramble off my stagger up to the rescue, and with hands shove the door back to its eoger place. But the handle — eateh. Not in the habit o ve no carrying about patent door-fasteners in my pocket, I appliance ready. I am repulsed. I own my defeat, and stagger back to my berth. Then the Imp is in eostasies, creaking, whacking, , until I fear that great damage will be done to the furniture, I look in vain for some means of »# the Steward, or of i the attention of anyone on deck. ut impossible : I see no be calling—my vocal cords are in such a relaxed state that I can scarcely speak above a whisper. Fortunately at this jancture the Steward appears, and in the feeblest accents I tion to the outrageous conduct of the , as if it were a living thing, much in the same way as muons boxe complained to a keeper of a neighbouring that the monkey had got loose The Imp—The rt -Revind~ Triumph— Uj Me again— Dinner with fear as he approaches,—and then stu y own cabin: lying on my berth. I am —_ bly with nervous anxiety ; but no, the Imp is bottled up, and the paper ba one o'clock or half - past, the | seal did the Genie in the Arabian Nights’ tale. So, red | sleep, and at seven I am perfectly ready for a polite nega- | champagne. Here we go down, down, down! And | be off earl But I have a firm faith in make any further inquiries. disturbance is from | Composer, and a jovial ms, the doce bs owen ksi a nthe apberd|t berately ba ea again. Presently the rapid rippling of water the effort. I vt cant bes balan, it might be out. If anyone does| On deck. Delightful. I recognise old Jura and other # former | tumble ont, it oh; it a iets be a ghost. uaintances. Happy 3 Saasted Yacht. (1 reakfast.— We are all on in this scene, and it is, I am bound to say, hereby sit the ~ ia my own .) What might |* very air performance taken all round, h one out of it have this occurs to me sling dread not a burglar or a ghost ? number does not do sufficient justice to the ex mt materials dg A iceme. I C= dreaming of Stowaways, when slowly | Vided by the author. This one is myself. I explain that asa the performance —— —eree-ak—suddenly crik, | *™ not a breakfast-eater. CuLins explains that as a rule he is, but whack |! menses bees quite as a little ’ i, closes | is not quite in form this morning, so he only takes fish, poached with a startling w on the b drum at| and ham, a little tongue, some marmalade, and then hopes

The Keeper—I mean the Steward—is quite vexed at its mis | conduct, but deals with it at once; walking u g up to it in a masterfy) | manner—the door not daring to move now, an absolutely quivering ina couple of impro- viegd pope per wedges, which produce the desired effect ** There!” says the Steward, vindictively, as though this was not t | the first time the door of this ou pone had } played him these tricks, t| “ Ldon’t think it ’ll do it again, Sir.” For a few minutes after the Steward’ s departure I watch the door | wedges have imprisoned him in the wardrobe as closely as Solomon's thank pitching have ceased oval 4 : to doze. The lurching and the to ree doom dog fie affect me. I hear the Composer's voice above, and I hope ty | 14 cheon. Attentive, goodn ess that he won’t enter into an argument—he seldom talks without ar, a requiring any great exercise of voice just over my | e B I do not reply. skylight. too is evidently “piano.” The “‘ pitch” has been \ teed Thos At | too a forhim. I fancy that he either once more ppears below | (Advertisement | or subsides into a chair on deck. “Silence | _ 1 receive ‘a refresher” from Nature in the shape of a short sound | dinner and a glass of | We anchor in a quiet we 3 with a name something like | Mackracken, but as there is not much to see here, and as we shal! to-morrow morning, I am not sufficiently interested te Our party consists of four, MeLLEvitie, our host, CuLuns the | gentleman with adouble-barrelled name—Foxp- | BamLy, which only seems to me to require the addition of “and | e while, then | Co.” to constitute him a firm. First Night on Board.—Awoke early next morning. Usual noise | th —— = mock cone We wa ‘ of sorabbing and rubbing just overhead and within a few inches of | my nose, and the idea occurs to me that I am buried somewhere and Pe walked over ! tein Thought.—Racing notion. “ W: over a corse!”) = i palling and yeo-ho-ing. Not m movement, ex slow swing from one side to the - =. and then very and I know we are - ae ¢ weigh and ng on with a fair wind. “* when he gets quite acclimatised he will be able to play a good solo part, as well as join in the quartette.” For the last week of August, it is fairly warm on deck. Su g a me? for us to make some show with our books—which we never read—and qo and pencils which we never use. So we sit enjoying ¢ existence, far away from the madding crowd, no morning Bitty. , no afternoon second editions, no sensational news, no possi- ye of Fp aly or telegrams reaching us—unless postmen pursue us

ra, ua woarecaly iin — and no ‘little accounts,” nor intimations that “our Mr. Jones will call : to - morrow to —) receive the sum | of, &c., &c.” “A life on the Ocean wave, and a home on the v

as possible, of course— by all means, for these are the jo joys—no matter about the sorrows—of such an existence. * We’ f never come back no more, boys!” we feel inclined to sing; but at some time or other, unless we become Pirates and the Terror of the Northern Seas, we inevitably must go ashore for provisions.

Epitaph on a Popular Pet. Anas, pose J wate! ~ pad yt fruit aithless Bannum’s of gain. How sad that so well trained a brute Should owe his exit to a train!

again, and was causing us mi annoyance.

Tux Ant oy MiptoraiaN.—GLapDstTone’s Manifesto.

(S=PTEMBeR 2,1

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Sgepremper 26, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 149 THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. From A TEMPORARILY Retrrep STaTEsMAN. Wilderness Lodge, Near Boundless- Contiguity-of-Shade. b> EAR em ‘ er HANKS for your kind inquiry. I’m pretty well, that is as sala I ought to be in the circumstances. I Py ay very ill, but just ill enou; give up my engagements and frighten the Markiss and the rest of them. have noted a peculiarity about my present indisposition. Any ordinary man can ill to-day, and may even guess he won’t he quite spry to-morrow. But I don’t fancy you often come across a man, who, on the 10th of September, can an- nounce that he won’t be well enough on the 6th of October to deliver a speech. That’s what I eall fresh and original; but I’m nothing if not original. One other thing I am, and since correspondence with you has led a me into a mood of introspection, I may mention it. I am a man of a singularly retiring disposition. The Markiss once said that I reminded him of the peevish little boy, who, when he did not get his own way among his schoolmates, tucked the corner of his pinafore in his eye, whined ‘‘ I won’t play,” and sulked. But that was said along time ago. You don’t catch the Markiss saying d f ings of me now. I don’t accept the Markiss’s way of pains it, preferring my own. Iam, I say, of a ee ee and I don’t know anything that is so effective, at least with le I work with. You remember when there was that little row about the Chairmanship of the volu- minously named Association, more briefly known as the Conservative Caucus’ I became suddenly indi , threw up the whole business, and was brought back in triumph t h Arlington Street. That was the time I was to eo down to Birmingham. But | threw them over, and they were all the more pleased to see me next time. Then there came the Cabinet arrangements which did not please me. At first I was taken ill, and retired from all communication with the Markiss, But that, 1 saw, was a moment rather for advancing for retiring. So I eame down to the House, made a sudden assault on N-rtuc-rTe, and M-cu-1 B-cu, seeing how the game was going, forsook the good old Man and came over to me. _ After that I had my own way in everything. But now they’re at + conin ; andsoaml., They want me to denounce P-zn-L1 because e’s sketched out a plan that means separation. Well, I won’t, and why should? P-nw-1i put us into office. He may even keep us there. If he doesn’t, we ~ Bye together in opposition. y should I go out of my way to flout him ? The question of separation is me before us. When it let us consider it. Inthe meantime am not the man, for the sake of a bit of sentiment, to estrange a — ally. The Markiss says we’ll have the whole country, in- Suiing the Conservative Party, howling at us if we don’t put our ei down on this question. Let them howl. The question for us is, : ich course gives us more immediate advantage, to break with — now, or to hold on as longas wecan? I’m for the latter - +f see stand by the then, and 80. onddenly. in the twink »i’m down e@ very buoyancy of my you health and shall not be better before the 6th of October. prattling = — it, Zest, dear ,and you will excuse me a merge myself. t you know I am at least equally to By the way, 1 am sitting for my portrait, which is to be finished in You may perha PS! German Emperor, and that, omg time for next Academy. It’s rather a fancy notion. I am standing in my room at the India Office, with my lips to the telephone. At the other end of the telephone is India, patiently and submissively awaiting my instructions and decisions. The Markiss says picture *‘ wants balance.” But he’s always saying something. J think it’s rather a taking notion. Do you? Ever yours, a To Tony, M.P., The Kennel, Barks. pa 8, CH-RCH-LL. P.8.—Had a funny carseapenienes with H-rt-net-n about m Come-over-and-help-us speech the other day. Waited forty-sight hours apparently brooding over it. Then wrote :—" R-ND-LPH, Who’s Us? Yours faithfully, H-nr-wet-x.” I replied :—‘* Dear H-xt-net-N, Us is Me. Yours faithfully, R-np-trx.” Haven't heard from him since. Expect he’s thinking over proposition. “SIX OF ONE,” Latest Intelligence d la Mode, GERMANY AND SPAIN. . " Berwin, Sept. 22. Ir is officially announced that the Marquis de Benomak this ao mn postage: ae ag Bn ya my HERBERT hmm exact nature of the meeting D transpired, but enoug has leaked out to give rise to certain disquieting rumours, that acted unfavourably on closing prices at the . The , though lacking full confirmation, gains ground that the Minister has been entrusted with the return of the young King’s Uhlan uniform to the either to want of precedent or to any convenient place in which to keep it, the Count has courteous! but firmly declined to receive it. This line of conduct has, it is said, embarrassed the Spanish Re tative. The report that a fleet had left Kiel for Peninsular waters with ‘‘ sealed orders, requires confirmation. Mapnzip, Sept. 22. In semi-official circles here the report that Germany has, ing negotiations, hoisted her flag on several dozen of the smaller islands gains ready credence, and causes profound irritation. In the face of existing events the attitude of the Navy is attracting some notice in moderate political circles, all the Admirals, Post-Captains, and Senior Officers at the three naval Arsenals having expressed, through the Minister of Marine, their determination to see the honour of the Service vindicated, after the recent action at Yap, by an immediate rise of pay in all its branches. The ish Navy has always been liberally inclined, and Senor Cawovas DEL Castii10 will have to be very guarded in his conduct in dealing with its ruffled susceptibili- ties. The situation, however, does not give rise to any serious alarm. The journal E/ Correo hears, on good authority, that the Govern- ment are in negotiation with the General Steam Navigation Company for the purchase of their fleet of steamers plying between London and Rectaee. The report needs official confirmation. Bea, Sept. 23. It is stated in well-informed circles here, that the reply of the Spanish Government to the English Note, recommend rbitration in the Caroline Islands question, is couched in excessively warm and indignant language, and has been despatched to the Cabinet at St. James’s. It is argued that Lord Satispury will know well how to answer it, and that a fresh complication will arise that will give a decidedly favourable turn to events. Meantime, tranks full of returned German orders continue to arrive by parcels post from irri- than | table Spanish Generals, at the official residence of the Minister of War, but as that functionary declines to take them in, they are promptly returned again to the senders +r. ~ the Dead-letter Office. The Marquis de Bewoman had a further interview, this afternoon, with Count Hersert Bismancx, and it is understood that though the price to be paid for the repairs to the German Embassy at M > and for the purchase of the new shield and flag-staff, gave rise to a lengthy discussion, a general good accord was ed, The rumour that, with a view to coming eventualities, the Government have ordered the Mobilisation of the Pomeranian Horse Marines, is, at present, devoid of any foundation. Mapuin, Sept. 2. The tension of feeling in this Capital still continues to be very acute, and much anxiety is manifested in moderate circles as to the action of the Army, several Generals of exalted rank having expressed themselves loudly yesterday awe HL the Prado, in favour of tossing up with hil o-rewn fora - Itis not, however, Senet that a pronunciamiento will pay those most interested in it, and in that fact lies the security of the country. The that the King has secretly abdicated in favour of the Emperor Wi1L14M, and has taken a money payment down for to prone of Aragon and Castile, and the drawing-room furniture at unjust, though asastalonty reu- lated by the more Liberal portion the Press, has as yet failed to gain anything more than partial

Page 204

a Te | “EPI MBER 26

AMENITIES OF THE “GENTLE CRAFT.” “Bs 7evper wits um, Miss! Be Teyper/”

LOOKING AHEAD! A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNS. Arn—"* Of What is the Old Man thinking ?” Or what is the Old Man thinking, As he sits in his Study Chair, From the crowd’s hot tumult shrinking, And the platform’s brazen b] The eyes of the Old Man glow, As he thinks of the coming fray, Though his voice sounds faint and low, And his locks look seant and grey. The younger around are sinking Their tones with attentive care. Of what is the Old Man thinking, As he sits in his Study Chair ¢ r are f ’Tis not with a vain repinia That the Old Man Tin asia: ’Tis not o’er his strength declining He broods on the waning year. There's a spell in the clarion’s tray, And his eyes are far from dim ; And the near November da Means battle once more for him. From the field he’s not found shrinking. Bat a Leader's task brings care. Of what is the Old Man thinking, As he sits in his Study Chair ? Of his fifty years of fighting! Of his ancient foemen dead ! Of the wrongs that yet need righting ! Of the ills that still make head ! Of the ranks that wait his word ! Of the choice of battle- nd! Of the warring watehw heerd | Of the clashing cries that sound !

Of the ticklish task of linking rons in order fair ! Of this is the Old Man thinking As he sits in his Study Chair? His Captains young and eager, Like hounds in leash they strain The foes’ stronghold to ‘leaguer, The citadel to regrin. And some would charge Jike thunder, And some like Fanivs wait, And some would hotly blunder, Some coldly lag too late. Unhasting, yet unshrinking, The host must forward fare. Of that is the Old Man thinking As he sits in his Stady Chair ? See, see, his firm lips tighten! He holds the battle-plan. Behold his tired eyes brighten ! His place is in the van. To marshal that mixed host Demands his long-tried skill. Forward to the old post ! He must, and faith he will! No resting yet, no shrinking ; he war-map’s ready—there! Of this is the Old Man thinking As he sits in his Study Chair!

THE Manifesto.”

Morro ror Tae Scxeer Caicxer Teau.— “ Reap-y, aye Reap-y!”

Lone-Looxep-For LiseraL Cay.— “The Grand Old Man and the Grand Old

MORE LIGHT. Sr, Mr. Poncn, HAVE, in common with many others of your readers, been perusing lately—mucb, however, to my individual confusion—that correspondence that has appeared in the Times, dealing with the subject of ‘‘ The Standard of Light.” The question raised by “A. V. H.” as to the moral rectitude of Gas Companies on the one hand, and of Candle Makers on the other, no less than his definition of a ‘‘ stand- ard test-candle,” and ‘‘16-candle gas,” with all the ins and outs about curvature of wick, snuffisg, and what not, leaves me, for all its illuminating talk, practically in the dark. For what | find in the standard of light, the only standard I am acquainted with, is any- thing but illumination. I don’t know how to use a photometer, nor do I understand the | test of a pure spermaceti candle, but I do know that the gas that is supplied to me by a mono- | polising company not only falls short of any | respectable standard of light whatever, but fills my rooms with a stifling compoun smoke and sulphur, that blackens my wall- papers, ruins my furniture, and chokes me and my guests. t are the Electric Lighting Companies about? They alone can rescue us from a fame and Se gloom to — <r i monopoly at present consigns us. 0 standard of light, indeed! The true standard is not in 15 or 16-eandle gas, but in that incan- descent light which gives you the brightness almost of day. ours, inpatients, One In THE DARK.

“Josr or Tock ror THe Traty.”—Poor Jumbo!

Page 205

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Serremner 26, 1885. LOOKING AHEAD: “I AM TOO CLOSELY ASSOCIATED WITH THE PUBLIC PROCEEDINGS OF THE LAST SIX BESSIONS 70 | WITHDRAW MYSELF FROM THE ACQUITTAL OR CONDEMNATION WHICH IS ABOUT TO BE PRONOUNCED,”— | (Ma. Grapstowr’s “ Manifesto.”’)

Page 206

Page 207

Sepremper 26, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL *““ARCADES AMBO.” Hancovrr will twit Sir Micuaxt with “ Kilmainham,” Hicxs-Bracu, Sir W1L14M with ‘‘ Maamtrasma” twit: If trath from taradiddles won’t restrain ’em. Pe ATT. a ni e papers not r To shout—in many columns—“ You’re Another!” “A Goop SHILiiveswortn.”—Not a fing to find nowadays. For instance @ conple of of 0 the sum, save as assistance in practical jokes. Again, “A reall eT ee i i .» Once more, a in ry at the theatres is never worth twelve pence, save and except at Drury Lane, where the y successful Human Nature, the best of modern, melodzamas, is being played nightly to overflowing audiences. However, it ae just now that a ‘“ Good Shillingsworth ” can be foun not ane Drury Lane, but at every bookstall ix: the kingdom, in shape (the convenient-for-the-pocket shape) of The Dark House: a Knot Unravelled. This, the latest of Mr. Grorce Manvitte Fenn’s works, is also one of his best—high praise where all are ong: The exciting story is capi ing, at all times, for the slowly-departing “ open air” or the gradually-coming fireside. The name of its Author is ap iately tive of both seasons. It not only hints at summer in country, but carries us half-way to the fender ! The Fun of the Fair. Sianorna Free Trade and lauding Trade that’s Fair, The Economic Tories never wearies. The ** Unprotected Female,” they declare, Is English Ceres ! Grow By A Russopnose.—Mr. M. E. Benson pub- lish book called The Story of Russia, This is eith HOW WE WORK THE PARCEL POST IN THE COUNTRY. amen invidious, Whéeh © » hans rd & .. tna “4 (A Sketch from Nature—dedicated to the Postmaster-General.) she not always telling them ? i Lh . we t t, THE TOURIST IN TOWN. Senso tiing « sary > sceioneny Ton eemhzess mame THE INNER CIRCLE RAILWAY. Clerk looks at you superciliously, snaps out, “‘ Next window!” and On the Threshold.—You are struck by the appearance of the/| returns to his former employment. me ot length secured your Stations, which are, asa rule, one-third brick to two-thirds Adver-| ticket, you descend a flight of badly-lighted stairs, to find a door tisement-boards, arguing that the majority of the Directors are not, | flung in yom face the moment you arrive at the bottom. However, to say the least, quite as esthetic as Kusxoy. Taste is not consi you will have aneeee look at—the train you were striving to in the dividend, so “‘ blowholes” appear amongst the trees of the/ catch leisurely waiting before leaving the station. Fa Embankment Gardens, and the lines of many a graceful building are} The Carriage Accommodation.—Miserable. To begin with, the hidden beneath hideous posters telling of the triumphs of rapid loco- | handles to the doors are frequently dirt = spoil any kid motion. When the extension was from Westminster to the | glove of an alternative colour to black. If you happen to be. geing Mansion House, the line was facetiously described as the ‘‘ Daylight | to » wedding in lavender or pale straw, you will find the palm o Station Route,” on the strength of the Stations being either glazed | your right hand quaintly decorated, if you attempt to get in or out or open to the air at the top. Deceived by this announcement, many without assistance. To continue—at certain hours of the day or a careless pleasure-seeker (missing the previous word, ‘ Station ”’) | night the ~_ cruelly overcrowded. In each compartment descended into the bowels of the earth, promising himself a ride| you will find, ides the regulation number of seated occupants de riverian scenery of no uncommon excellence, to find that the | a crowd of people treading upon one another’s toes, who have rus homeopathic doses of daylight were lost in miles of sulphurous tun-| in, regardless of consequences,—it is to be that an accident neling. But although the Sects showed something of the nature | will not happen on one of these occasions, or assuredly somebody or of the wily serpent in describing the subterranean route in such a| other will be put on his trial for manslaughter. About half-a-minute way as to s soft summer breezes and gently-waving trees, | is the regulation time allowed for at each Station, so that they exhibited less artfulness in their posters relative to the advan-|if you happen to have taken a ticket for a carriage whose class is tages of their Stations. Whenever a new resting-place was opened | situated at the end of the yoy ee gee to that of your entrance, for the benefit of the Public, the Directors considered it advisable | you have to scamper along the amidst an unruly mob until, to point out the special advantages of the site. Thus rs| breathless from exertion, you reach your destination. The Guard, booking for Mark Lane were informed that they would have the seeing you coming, when you have completed about a third of your great privilege of being near enough to the Tower ‘of London “ to pay | way, raises his arm, and shouts, “All right!” This makes you It a visit,” and others going to Putney would find themselves, on|double your exertions, and, pale and exhausted, you are h in arriving at their destination, ripe for “Boating on the River.” with the demand, ‘* Now then, whe you going on?” Onee seated, At the Booking .—Every convenience for making mistakes. | you oh to sleep were it not at oven Station you are kept ore each pigeon-hole is a barrier that seems to say, ‘‘If you| awake by the reckless banging of the doors. I nag netiee, Oe Fe the portly, you will be crushed to death while taking | serve a balance, much time is consumed by pauses in the tunnels. i i , whic The Atmosphere.—Very indeed ; sometimes ( ally in the of Pick-| summer) it is intolerable. At Portland Road Station, for instance, a deovent to the platform means, to many poeple, a violent fit of cough- ing. The mist of sulphurous vapour often reminds November fog—and is twice as disagreeable. i i Conclusion.— Whenever it is more convenient to go another way, The continues i do not insist upon the Inner Circle Railway !

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[Szrprempea 26, 1885, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A DIFFICULTY. Captain de Vere Jones. ‘‘1 OFTEN WONDER, AS YOU AMERICANS SEEM JUST AS yorp or TITLES AS WE ARE, WHY YOU DON’T START AN ARISTOCRACY OF YOUR own?” Colonel van Tromp, U.S. ‘‘ Wit, YOU SEE, THEY ’D ALL HAVE To BE DuxKgs TO BEGIN WITH!” LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL, A SCIENTIFIC QUERY. Arn—“ Teetotal Family.”’ ‘‘The Teletopometer, an ingenious instrument, has been invented by Dr. Luror CerzroTant, a Professor of the Uni- | versity of Verona.”’—St. James's Gazette. Ir I ask, you can tell all about a pedometer ; You know, on the Nile, that they use a Nilometer ; Your views are correct on the haughty hygrometer ; | You feel quite at home when you bang a barometer! You lous grow on the giant gasometer, And look mighty wise when you scan a thermometer; | You ’re doubtless aware how to treat the hydrometer— | But tell me the use of a Teletopometer ! CHorvs. Oh, Teletop, Teletop, Teletop—ometer ! Pray tell me the use of a Teletopometer ! | | Prodigy and Poodle. Sir Joun Lussock, at the British Association, on the | Intelligence of the Canine Species, told a good dog-story. | He has a black poodle, Van, who, out of various cards im- | | printed with so many words, such as “‘ fuod,” ‘* water,” ** tea,” &o., picks out the one naming what he wants, and | brings it, by way of request, to his Master. Here is in- deed a clever dog. He has at least acquired the first k he can read, and with a little more instruction his power of reading may be capable of extension beyond English letters. Sir Jounw Luppocg, perhaps, will succeed in teach- ing Van a dead lan , and training him in classical a safiiciently to enable him to understand dog- | atin. i Woon-derful ! EXTREMELY pleasant news from far Rangoon ! The French they say secure from THancres Woon Railway concessions, and their own sweet way With Customs’ dues and banks at Mandalay. France has scarce found Tonquin a terra firma, And so she seeks a pied-d-terre in Burmah. Good! But if Mister Butt is not a noddy, He ’|l keep an eye upon the Irrawaddy ! THE WOLFF AND THE LAMBS, Ply-Leaf from a Stamboul Diary. 9 a.m.—Twenty-first day. Despatch from Foreign Office, urging me to be more expeditious. Will certainly try. round Samp Pasa to know whether he can see me at eleven. Messenger back. “‘He will be delighted.” Have to Downing Street that I am in “active communication” with them. This is literally true. I am sending backwards and forwards all day. Have been for three weeks. lL a.M.—Present myself to keep appointment with Sarp Pasna. Find that he is “out.” Really too bad of him. Same thing 7 pestentay sad the day before,—and the day before that. Is always ning. They do not know where he is gone to. ve “will look in again about one.” On my way, meet & note, to say an Envoy to the Suntan going to the Mosque. Very civil. ask “‘wholam.” Telegraph this to Downing Street. »! p.mM.— Have eee met MY ow some time, and then ragoman comes out, ex e inister is q but that he is engaged for two hours.” Asks me ahean + ness is very were “Could I name it?” ‘No, I could not.” Tell him I will again at three. Telegraph this to Downing Street. 3 v.«.—This is really too bad. Have just missed him. Dragoman full of ——. It seems there has been a misunderstanding. Thought five. “* Will I take a chair, and wait?” ‘“ Yes, I will’ Look over my notes of what I have got to say. Better begi with “ Joint Ocew of Rergts” end gs mand that wag to pos- oe offensive an a i ust be ony Seema, ope t , at ; : to telegraph it to them. Have. Trost five. fis i 5 p.w.—No, he isn’t. Itisa who to| and, after talking for five hours, propose general scheme of offensive merely reply that I want to talk business. Will I do it in French’ I will try. Is all attention. Explain whol am. Expresses lively satisfaction. I dash at the subject, and plunge im medias res, and begin about Egypt. Skilfully work round to joint occupation. ses livelier satisfaction. Finally, get on to important ground, and defensive alliance. Seems quite delighted. Expresses liveliest satisfaction. Will I come again to-morrow, and repeat all I have said to the Pasha? Hasn’t he understood? Can't say he has, quite. But the Pasha will—to-morrow. Point out that it is always “* to-morrow.” However, have no choice. Telegraph to Downing Street. Then to bed, sanguine but gloomy. Rhyme on the International Yacht Race. TuEre’s many a slip ’twixt the Op ont the lip, As Sir Ricuarp well knows, by the Puritan whopped. He won’t bring it back to Old England this trip From Yankee-Yacht-Land where so long it has stopped. That the saucy Genesta had not tried in vain Were what he—and we, too—would vastly prefer, But take the lick bravely, and try once again :— Why, Suttonly, Sir! Come with a Hoop! Commow Sense has—at last—deposed Queen Anwe from her “ bad (and broken-nosed) eminence in St. Paul’s Churchyard ;” but Fashion, says a Parisian journal, is about to bring back an even uglier monarch ich it calls, ** Queen Crinoline.” Against sach a ** Restoration the most loyal Briton will rebel. Rather Republicanism, or even * dash of mild and mitigated Nihilism, than such a hideous Astras Reduz as this. “* That way madness lies!” ———— aa

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aT ; ler— ) the ory. :im- | and s in- tk wer zlish ach- | sical | dog- 2.28 E Serremper 26, 18865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL IN THE PADDOCK AT DONCASTER. On! who’s for a peep at the Paddock ? Our scions of race love the Race. | Beams blandly above him? That back and that hat with the genial And here muster types of swell manhood and stars of patrician she- | rake, Say, can they be other than TarrensaLt’s? May one his neighbour grace. | Place aux dames! To the right shines the beautiful Countess of mistake Maxcu ; at her side For other than Rosstyn? Ah, no! any more than a Cockney wou'd The Honourable Mrs. Capoeay. Lord Roruscuitp, with natural doubt, pride, | As regarding that phiz to the left, but would cheerily, cheekily Confronts them near Newmarket Frepenicx. Beavrort and | shout, : WESTMORELAND stand |’ Apey ’Awxrns, by Jove!” Here stern Justice unbends, though The one with his hand on his breast, and the other with book in his | its visage looks grim. ._, hand, — | And who is that Jock just below? By that face, by that lank length Next Westminster's Duke, just behind, and, then hat-cocked, com- i of limb, placent and cool | All may know the superlative “‘ Faxp.” “ Ancnen up!” cries the Ineffable CuaPLin himself, to whom Statesmen must put them to| Cockne D, School, $i | And who “ upper” than he with his fellows this prince of the spur Economists bow, turfmen meekly defer, and the farmers kotow i : . | and the rein ? Below—in position, of course, not in merit, that none will allow!— | Still, if anyone may hope to match him, or melt his imperial mood, young Duke of PorTiLawp, ex-Guardsman, conversing with hom 7 ; the crowd loves to call It is surely smart vis-d-s W tia’s chief pride, Caarter Woop ; = deem Ton dem aage oe Bp on { stant s aside | These fet = ~ inferior Jocks are as all Lombard Street to a ps an - mourn him; but Giap- | shaddock. . stone's ‘‘ Primrose” is catered 'And so Mr. Punch has completed the round of the Doncaster or a race that is other than hippic, in which his ambition is centred, Paddock. And which the ’eute Earl “‘ stands to win,” if the omens the world . Betw reads aright. Voraruck.—Herr Scuteren, of Constance, we fare informed, een them you see Sir George WomBWELL, fox-hunter of ardour | invented an universal language, which he calls Vi / “ Minerva- and might, Volaptick,” says a Russian journal, “ has sprung the brains of Whom the flat may less charm "eros Is this that | J -Be fully armed to go out and conquer the world.” illustrious F wd at ve country. Is this A prety rompect and a euggeative name iin tb fered, how- Great CHILSEA t di t . hil ” R t . at ’ | . not, ‘ other ue) . a girdle Auctioneer, P , RAB sound the carth in forty minutes.”

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156 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Serreper 26, 1885, ———— — — ——— —_—___ ** Why, if you — i, ou ’d turn me up—bohoo !— FITZDOTTEREL; OR T’? OTHER AND WHICH P Jed ts denihtoo dog did 1?” * Fool Foolish elf !” (By the Earl of L-tt-n. Aw gurgled Gretcuen, “* was it not for “g sted ' mitted " I gave up Twenty Millions—all rad ot ‘Teeaiinn peo om _ oe No! 4, | BEEVOR, ‘ten J] Do! OE eg For GretcHen, GaeTcHEeN, I am not myse — ocing we both was somebody om But some one else! There, it’s allout! I'l show it—” a ne M ‘Shut up, you silly goose!” cried she. ‘* I know it!” oe ee Silence! You might have heard tradition ’s pin Attover? Nota bitofit! I guess Drop on the tear-soaked tarf. Then his Egeria A second volume must be filled somehow. Began again. He listened with a grin, That means a thousand stanzas, more or less. Which, half was happiness and half hysteria. Eight thousand lines! The knowing dog’s bow-wow Mystic as Coteniper’s Geraldine, Settled that Little Woman’s awful mess, And masterful as Batzac’s Belle Impéria. But this is no mere Nursery Tale, I trow. She looked, low-bending o’er that moon-struck ‘‘ swimmy” ‘an, | However, epic agitate « a - As chaste Drawa stooped o’er dazed EnpYxion. Come easy with the ai pompous platitude. “How did you find it out?” he marmured. “ Why,” The Art of Arts is that of Spinning Out, Said she, ** you ’ve given proofs in vast variety, And Genius is a Spider. Conversation _ ou are one Pie. yourself. Dotry Ad libitum all sorts of things about, less babyish ; it breeds satiety. Shows one’s encyclopedic information, pe reo I am a great Clairvoyante, 1, And covers paper. Epoar Por, no doubt, A member of the Psychical Society, Would have demurred, but my interpretation An Esoteric Buddhist, half a Yankee. Of a Great Poem that shall outlive Time, And—need you further proofs?” Cried he, ‘* No, thankee! Is—a Colossal Rigmarole in Rhyme. ** Yet, oh my Sibyl! tell me yet one other Bervorn was—Beevor, in his own regard Thing. Whoam I?” ‘Nay, there cocksureness shrinks And that of Epexweiss; but who was he Not e’en Koot-Hoomt, the great Thibet ‘ Brother,’ To Grercuen? There ’s the cruz ; ’tis there the Bard Could play, the CEdipus to such a Sphinx. Perceives the ise and the potency You may be ‘ Which,’ you may again be, “T’Other, 7 Of sentiment and small talk by the yard. She answered, with the pleasantest of winks. GreTcHEen was pledged as fast as fast could be But on the Vocative why 3— brood ? To Pumpgryicket. Would she BrEvor You’re just a psychical Subjunctive Mood— When she found out he was an Arch- iver ? “ ‘The incarnation of a mystic May-Be! ” Lone GretcaEn’s creed was Love Predestined ; her “‘ Hooray!” yelled Bezvor. “All at last is well! Faith was in Germany! (Line-endings jerky HEGEL was but a metaphysic baby Are not mellifiuous, but they will occur.) Compared with you. What matter, oh, ma belle, Some may regard the Teuton mind as murky, Whether I be a low-born German gaby, The Teuton manners prickly as a burr, Or Unfitzdotterelled FitzporrEREL The Teuton spirit less sublime than perky ; Being and Not-Being are all the same, But Grercuen looked upon the German soul And Metamorphic Muddle wins the game! ” As honour’s home, love’s nest, and wisdom’s goal. + . . . . With such a faith, how should she stoop to wed Thy Lived, they Loved, they Lucubrated on, A mere FrrzporreRet ? ¢ er this roblemn fumbling ese twain, with Epeiwerss for minor third. Bervor went very nearl is head. GRETCHEN ignored her Twenty Millions flown, His fix indeed was rm Bae and ledies kumbling. Beevor resigned his Earldom like a bird. * Frrzporreret, Keep your Pecker up!” 8o said Love’s the true Transcendental Polygon. Old Epetwetss. ‘ You’re wrong——” “ Oh, bother (This means a lot, though it may sound absurd.) grumbling!” As Tillers of the Soil they sought sweet offices, Broke in the youth. ** You know I’m not a German, Thus end—with a bad eayme—thele metamorphoses ! Whilst Grercen thinks I am, and calls me Hermann !” But oh to hear them perorate!!! Their lives “* Her man you are, her man of men indeed,” Were one long miscellaneous Disquisition. Chuckled pun-loving old Potontvs, winking. GretcHen, the most we nt of wives, * By Jove! chrickedé Bervor, ‘‘solam! I read Facile princeps, kept the first position Fate’s fiat in the fact!! Hoch! no more shrinking! As Twaddler-Gene Manacles and gree F That omen tells me I shall yet succeed. Would not hold guests there on the dread condition Bless you, my Epetwerss!!!” Here Brrvon, sinking Of listening whilst they prosed with flat facility Upon his knees, clasped the old pedant’s pants, On Love and Territorial § ‘obility. And wept all over them. (A Muse that cants, Just as a specimen I’ll here append A Man that blubbers, and a Maid that gushes, Some fifty staggering stanzas—(No you don’t ! Form the old popular Bulwiggian triad.) It’s high time this long rigmarole should end.) Lone GretcHEN was all babblement and pushes ; What more, 0 Muse? (It is the Singer’s wont Pensive and pale at times as a lost Pleiad. To wind up thus.) Ere I lay down my pen Her talk was lavish as Lodore’s wild rushes. The Reader may demand—I ’ve not yet shown’t— Brxrvor discovered her, like a fair Dryad, The clue to this long labyrinth Anglo-German, Lolling beneath the statue of a Faun, FrrzDOTTEREL- PUMPERNICKEL-BEEVOR-HERMANYN ! Midst clumps of boskage and soft slopes of lawn. be cone Frrzporreret then? Ah! there’s the cruz, She saw that he was troubled, his nose even GRETCHEN’S powers of divination Still pink with meeting. —auch w was her capacity Faia thereupon to throw their fiat Juz ! For Sympathetic Intuition ! She vaguely talked of ‘‘ Nature’s Usurpation,” Who have this my My we fine sagacity ie sychosis and Perpetual Flux, Alone may understand the marvel. Close And Transcendental Idealisation, She clung to him, and strove, with sweet tenacity, Ending her hints—no soul cou!d understand ’ em— To cheer him up. Whatever was the matter With a serene Quod erat demonstrandum ! She knew he could be comforted with chatter. T eannot say ! ] erhaps ’ twas all a dream, She talked,—oh! how she talked! A treatise long Perhaps ’twas Fate, perhaps those frightened nurses. On Transcendental Love (we ’li leave out that), I only know that it has formed a theme A Mystic Legend let that slide '), a Song, For (save for scissors) several thousand verses ; (No matter!) Several reams of Roundabout, Which, sweetly bound in silver-grey and cream, She plied him with. ‘‘ Hermann,” she cried, ‘‘ you ’re wrong Should surely open all your hearts—and purses. My powers of consolation stil! to doubt. I therefore leave it to the Public Voice. 7 I know you,—even better than I love!” ‘You pay your money, and you take your choice! “Oh, murder!” Beevor moaned ; “‘ do you, by Jove ? THE END. —— ee 10 CORRESPONDENTS.—In 0 case can Contributions, whether us., Printed Matter, or Renuings, be wtmnel, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders.

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_ s : PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Surrexsse 26, 1885. Tut Out! The Wonder of the Age.” THE FLYING DUTCHMAN PEN!! Wil write from 300 to 400 words with one dip. » Editor wrote 400 words with one dip.”— Dewsse ay ReroetTer DED A MEDAL AT THE INVENTIONS EXHIBITION. ae by post, ls. ld. 6d, and le. per Tha its x, at ail stationers. Pasectons, VACIVEM & CAMEROM, Réiaburgh. Eerp. 1770 AWARE COLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878, KINAHAN’S -tnzcnsax OLD IRISH WHISKIES.” PURE, MILD, AND | | MELLOW DELICIOUS AND WHISKY. THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865, #, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET, LONDON, W. CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS LD. GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA a 1884. 25s, the Gall ; 50s. the Doz. Canatacn 7 Alp. Casu Owtr. v HOLESOMR, RICHD. MATHEWS & CO. 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N. LW. BOTTLING STORES— Broomsavny Mansion, Haar Stagger, W.C. Agents for Indis—CUTLER, P. & 60. LIBERTY CHAMPAGNE. TISSOT FRERES’, Virtiacs 1880, 57s. and 66s. per Dozen. LE Loerrs, | LIBERTY & CO., | Spring Gardens, Charing Cross. OPER FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. VINTACE 1880. Imported direct ve the Planta- tions of thatname. best and most wholesome or a ir. ye Aww A HEALTH 3 EXHIR® 1224 , _ Z What shall I Drink? The Laxcer has subj Suing 00 Gh Cauiges tar enetin and purity, .— recommends the public to drink it in preference to any form of alcohol. ONTSERRAT LIME-FRUIT _. JUICE CORDIALS AROMATIC CLOVE, STRAWBERRY RASP- BERRY, PINEAPPLE, SARSAPARILLA, JAR- GONELLE, QUININE, PEPPERMINT. Retail from Grocers, Druggists, and Wine Merchants every where PALATABLE NATURAL APERIENT WATER. THE ONLY A POSITIVE CURE FOR STOMACH, LIVER, AND KIDNEY AFFECTIONS. The best household remedy and specific for CONSTIPATION, Descriptive phiet, with Testimonials, post free. Sold by Chemists, Is. 64. and 2. per bottte, Mecurar Birren Warte Company, Limited, 38, Snow Hill, London, E.C. “The National Table Waters.” ELLIS’S RUTHIN necisrenco. 4 WATERS EstaBlisuep 1825, Soda, Potass, Seltzer, Lemonade, Aromatic Ginger Ale. Lithia Water, and Lithia and Potass Water. ASK FOR ELLIS’S. Sotp Everywuene, SOLE ADDRESS—R. ELLIS & SON, RUTHIN, NORTH WALES. London Agents: W. BEST & SONS, Henrietta Street, Cavendish Square. “Apsoturetr Pvas.” For Gout: JO TOOTH BLOCK BRI LL’s SEA tid. per Bath SALT. Invigorating and Refreshing. FIV MEUVALS Borwicks BAKING POWDER SWISS pecan commences “2 PURE Used at the Nationa! Sateing School for Cookery . Medical Authorities say this Milk is much more wholes ome than the @ Sweetened Milk. Of Grocers, Chemists, &e., at 64. per Tia. Whotrtts—15, ABCHU RCH LANE, B.C. Pasvextion or i ARIS 0 Fae. ALL NC FROM BAD SMELLS ware “ DESTROYED! ute INVICTA Automatic Sintec ek 18 SIMPLICITY ITSELP—CANNOT GET OU OF ORDER—LASTS FOR YEARS —TRIPLING COST. It sets with each flush of water, literally destroying all foul odours and dead) gases, main- taining pans, pipes, and traps in a shake of J. Where this is used the y_* from which of perity. Blood Pois soning, —y be , cannot exist. The “ Invieta” afector oy A, Nickel-Plated charged sufficiently to’ disinfect '6,000 gaiene Water, price 20., through Ly Plumber, or post free 64. extra. “"Snould be ied to r-Clovets an@ Urinals. Style C should be used for Inf: maries, Slaughter Houses, Cattle Pens, Public Maraets, rh Sole Manufacturers, RIMINCTON BROS. & CO. 4, PICTON PLACE, NEW CASTLE-on. TYNE. Agents Wanted —Co: orrespondence Invited. Lilustrated Circulars Post Free. nad aga FOR SEMI OR PERFECT IMITATIONS OF Weight! +x ra ems, ho Ww Instructions for self: Disnass ance. for self measurement on application, CHAS. SON, BOND & 8, OXFORD STREET, Specialists also for’ Ladies’ Partial or Complete Coverings. Iy rou wun to be WEptedt 4 cere Wee, va BRAGG’S ses" Flotel Be Hegrbure, VECETABLE CHARGOA It destroys ‘ail SEL ERA, TYPHOID, and be &e. absorbing in the stomach and bowels, gives @ healthy wei to he hyn? system. ‘ttacks of = rt # TALIONANT 6s. per bottie, of all Chemists. HOW TO AVOID FINCER MAI veenion FUR 64. Sample Bottle FU by t for 6d. in stamps. Sold y ( — wy “ey lron- CREAM. m ee Bole Pre > ue ~4 . Baos., Bradford, Yorks BROOKS’ MACHINE COTT ONS. ee epurlying” act fA, “in ay FEVERS. 2., 4s., IN-MERCURIAL. The BEST = Bhd NO ARTICLE for OLEANING SILVER, ECTRO PI ATE, &c. FOUR GOLD MEDALS ‘aweried. Bold every where, in Koxes, ls , and ds. 6d. SULPHOLINE LOTION (The Cure for Skin Diseases) ag rene the Shin tear, tmnt, tappla and healthy. Sold every where. FOR Ihe Ontty Cold Medial, 1394 THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS A PERFECT RESERVOIR PEN ‘“@ ANY PEN OF ORDINARY SIZE AND ANY INK MAY BE USED. a 6” FITTED WITH NON-CORRODIBLE IRIDIUM-POINTED PEN FITTED WITH GOLD PEN 5° a 7? 6? 1T CANNOT CORRODE BEING MADE OF HARD VULCANITE OF ALL STATIONERS, “swift” ‘WRITING INKS “SWIFT” STEEL PENS Wholesale only of the Sole Manufacturers: ‘TWOS, DE LA RUE & C0. LONDON. LUNN’S 3 ““Ghoonna. _MORGESTER i COLLEGE SAUGE. a & Tus Ricurer axp Puneet Conviment BALAD I8 PERFECT WITHOUT IT Manufacturers: No wos THOMAS LUNN & CO., Limited, WORCESTER. THE SPRCIFIO FOR NEL HALOIA. B0000000000008 | '*/ ite re puta. tion is t t t Ongar: seca "Lawone. 80000e00eeeee — “Invaluable in facial Neuralgia Has proved eflective in all those cases in which we have pocsertnes } it."—Mrpreat Paras 2s. 9d , de, 64., and Lie Of all Che mists ADAMS'S cs) FURNITURE POLISH. OLDEST AND BEST. (the Lady's pewanen feels THE . “Tae Se “ Bold ty Grocers Troninongers, Olimen, &ec Manufactory— V1¢ TORIA PARK, SHEVFIELD “FOR THE BLOOD 18 THE: LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. Ie warranted to cleanse the bon f rpm a i noes th from whatever cause arising For ofula Fores of a!) kinds, Skin and Iiiood Iatewsoes, ite oft cle of Testimoniaia from ali each, and in cares of six are marvellows, rts. In bottles 2, 6d. imes the quantity, lls. each, of ali Chemists, Sent for 23 oF 132 stempe by Tus Lincoum seo Mivtane ontize Dave Comra»t, Lincoln. THE NORMAL DIURETIC APERIENT

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Szrrzusen 26, 1585,

a A NEW HUNTING STORY, by Wanverer, with Illustrations by G. Bowers, ts 7” the Press, and will be published during the Autumn, Orner Booxs sy WANDERER, vunirorm witrn tue “HANDLEY CROSS” SERIES:— ACROSS COUNTRY. With 22 Coloured Illustrations and numerous | FAIR DIANA. With 22 Coloured [Illustrations Sketches. By G. Bowens. Price 12s. 60. the Text. By G. Bowexs. Price 12s. 6d. ont 70 Sketches © “HANDLEY CROSS” SERIES OF SPORTING NOVELS This inimitable series of volumes is absolutely unique, there being nothing approaching to them in all the wide range of modern or ancient |; Written by Mr. Surtees, a well-known country gentleman, who was passionately devoted to the healthy sport of fox-hunting, and gifted with a heen ¢ manly humour of a Rabelaisian tinge, they abound with incidents redolent of mirth and jollity. The artist, Mr. Leech, was himself also an enthusiast in then S and has reflected in his illustrations, with instinctive appreciation, the rollicking abandon of the author’s stories. Spam, Embellished with nearly 1000 of Joun Leecn’s best Sketches on Wood, and 100 Hand-coloured Steel Engravings. By JoHn Leecu and H. K. Browy: 6 medium 8vo volumes, large margin, cloth extra, price £4 4s,; and in half morocco, with panelled hunting adornments, gilt and finished, price £5 12s. 64, " These Volumes can be had separately as wnder:— HANDLEY CROSS; or, Mr. Jorrocks’s Hunt.; SPONGE’S SPORTING TOUR. Many|MR. FACEY ROMFORD'S HOUNDS, eng Sketches on Wood, and 17 Steel Engravings. Sketches on Wood, and 13 Steel Engravings. Price 14s. Steel Engravings. Price ids. ~ ruses BAe. PLAIN OR RINGLETS? Many Sketches on} HAWBUCK GRAN . , ASK MAMMA; or, The Richest Commoner | Wood, and 13 Steel Engravings. Price l4s. Adventures of rome oie Fee, Seen in Engiand, Many Sketches on Wood, and 13 Steel | — Steel En : : ; Eagetiage thine tea | BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., Bouvenie Srreer, E.C. Tae 6d, eines by H. K. Browne (Phis) Pi

STERLING | (I CHOCOLAT E Aiea eueoTRO | MENIER. SILVER. ENTIRE FREEDOM FROM TOOTHACHE OD POR BREAKFAST. distinguisned by a YELLOW, Ok attached to tie

TABLE ' KNIVES. | Be AWARDED 82 PRIZE MEDALS.

ANNUAL CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS | #"sar Ss "a: 25,000,000 Ibs. | saaseteeeces

teeth. SPOONS AND FORKS. WHOLESALE SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. Con Pies te Fane Peo Green Thresd, & ; Yellow Thread, 2s, 9d.; Red Thread, t.; PRICES. Tooth-Pasie, 4s. 6d. Suez Tooth- Brushes, omnes GOLD MEDAL, ANTWERP, 1885. nes guard inst pales CATALOGUES SAMUEL BROTHERS TADDY & GO., LONDON, | “Mitoc's"G. | taining 250 En- Gutris, HAY FEV and vings, illustra- = . Persons who suffer MANUFACTURERS, = Pals ? aen mac coughing, phiegm, ‘and short becom! d P 0 U L T R C | T Y fochionobto per ‘ ey f Costume for th (Mansion-House Buildings) ; wages fhm d men, Youths, Boys, an “Eton” Suit, and Ladies. OXFORD ST., W.; LONDON,| SAMUEL BROTHERS, MEKMCHANT TAILOMS, OUTFITTERS, &c., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpow, E.C. MADDOCK’S soup ‘xpars—pwutme. saat poston. 1483; /“Youy SyouD TRY THEIR,

LONDON (INT. EXHIBITION), 1864. OLD ENGLISH ura 7 ». SIR JAMES MURRAY'S LAVENDER WATER, |" *"clinnon, SRT GROVE, = onarets “cour. | MORSON’S 1LLING YER BOTTLE, OF a “DRAFERS AND CHEMISTS. GOUT OR PREPARATIONS OF 4. ¢. FLUID MAGNESIA. beni commended DEBENHAM & FREEBODY, | Papaain _PEPSINE, 2 = . As Wi 7, GUTTER LANE, E.C. Sin James Moenat & Son, Temple Street, Dublin. | at %., ond Sj INDIGESTION. 41 — > 4s. 64.;, Globuules, 2s., Se. 6d., and 6s. 64., and Powder, ib emists

jos. Bottles, stds. each. Sold by all C DINNER Ts |E P PS’ S\zvesomess= | DINNEFORDS . duction of the active pri TY CRATEFUL—COMFORTINC. taps ofe like nature Rosie has been not lightly M AC CLARE, BUNNETT & CO.,, gacredited by the spe

opurnocus manufactures that have ashame of Londen, B.C. C C O A. siibeseeanees ot its oleae, to sow that each For saababus, cour, et x

ORSON & A STEEL SHUTTERS, Seuthamptcn how. Ressell Lenten. — _ — a Sok Bevetnet ol Wratdohtnm, bo tho City of London. and pobtiones by Py ny ty ng FO] tf tee Evinting Often of Meum. Bender Agnew S. Lombard

SATURDAY. EVERY PUBLISHED

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The Eighth and concluding Volume in the“HANDBOOK OF THE FARM” SERIES, entitled the “ ANIMAL LIFE ON THE FARM,’ éy Pror. Brown, Agricultural Department, Privy Council Office, is in the press, and will be published in November, Price 2s. 6d. BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., 8, 9, 10, Bouvenis Sraesr, E.C.

—_oo —s ~~ . _ ee SWS) a a G7

S33SY¥HL 301d 7c dfwedab till atti (UI “SON3d > xz = - > ~ Q - I o = & 4 = ») a VOLUME EIGHTY - NINE. Pit Ty —e SOC E) a A= ci : 3 4 & OCTOBER 3, a Pate ent aT SS aS os PTC MA TTS. £ es ‘ih YY = js in y [=X , A : = “is “ay | i (te f i) uasil mn 3 ; | NS (ay os eae OS Oe ie SS’ ) i 4 | & by) = mt So | ) ! 3 EN } + 1, f | | 4 Alga

Ps SS am ja } inert Y HL NK AS ' il” Mm Treg : @) Legs A NA 4 Dy) 3 UI A , - ey yo ; ) RY VN PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL SOOKSELLERS,

[ts numerous competitors A O [ } 1 Na VY 1 S ahtest to have, oat afies another, fallen away.”

Registered at the General Post Office as s Newspaper.)

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PUNCH, OR THE BRITANNICA. Vols. I. to XIX. (A to Phy) ENCYCLOPADIA BRITANNICA. A DETAILED PROSPECTUS of the Work, with Specimen Paes, will be forwarded on application to the Publishers Edinb urgh ADAM & C HARL ES BL AC K AN EXQUISITE EDITIC iN OF = re ETS FOR EVERY HOUSEHOLI Now Resor, Tar Finer Mowrnty ' ut Price ts. (post free ls, 1¢d.), of CASSELL’ 8 MINIATURE POETS. « tin beantifully el ar type printed om fine paper, and elegantly bounce th with marbled sides *,” Prospectuses at all Booksellers _ cae Le Limited Ludgate ue or post free from H London now 1s THE TIME TO SUBSCRIBE. The October Number of THE ENGLISH ILLUS TRATED MAGAZINE begins « New Volume | Single Numbers, 64, by post, 84. Yearly Subscription, including Double Number and Postage, Ss. Subscriptions received by all | Booksellers and Newsagents. THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MACAZINE Por OCTOBER, ! SIXPENCE nt i. Rye. From « Drawing by J. R. Wells. Fr piece a The Suterpretens. Charles > wind a5. Price na— nus A Poew By Algernon 3. Lendon Commons. ‘Part I. By Robert Hunter With [Lustration «& Saucy Kitty Clive. 6. Decayed Sea-Ports. With lilustra tions. 6. Singing and Loving. By WF 2B 1. The Incomplete Angier. Broken Memories of Peaceful Days To yitinued.) By Bas i} Pieid. With Lilustrations | a Adventures on Ge Eqnater. Ky Joseph Hatton ith Liluetr yo nag Rachel. Mu "by 2 Fitzgerald Molloy By Bernar 4 H. Hecker 7 A mtinued Ry D. Christi MACMILLAN & ©CO., Li THE CORNHILL MAGAZINE t yal. By the A Jobn Herr ‘ Chaps. XXV. to XXVIII u Maurier IN DON, Court Ro Lear's Fool My Pirs: Deer-stalk Fifine s Funeral The Recipe for Genius Reiabeow Goia iy David Christie iv —vV¥ Lande he b _ 15, Murray. Book Waterloo FP Just Me the OCT‘ “THE SEASON” LADY’S ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE. A JOURNAL DEVOTED TO FASHIONS EXCLUSIVELY JBER Part of Price SIXPENCE Monthly Post Free, 6d. Rach monthly Part con- Dhustra- tains about k, humerous t Paper Patterns, &c , | COLT’S FIREARMS Co., excellent Fi » Three Beautifully-Coloured Plates containing Novelties and Monthly ; Post Free, lv. 4 Published at 15, Be | Street, Covent Garden wa bh, and ¢ ¢ obtained from all Book Fadition wit and Fatra Supplemer New Needlework. |: | Bristol: J. W. Annowsemirn rs, Newsvendors, @c LONDON C CHARIV ARL —Octoper 3, 1885. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 32 PRIZE MEDALS. ANNUAL CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS 25,000,000 lbs. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. HUGH (ONWAY. pugseenss, J UST THE LAST COMPLETED NOVELETTE by HUGH CONWAY, ENTITLED “SLINGS AND ARROWS,” BEING breathes a fragrance. SWEET SCENTS LIGN-ALOE. OPOPONAX ARROWSMITH'S CHRISTMAS ANNUAL | FRANGIPANNI. PSIDIUM for 1885. It has never before been Published, f ONE CONTINTI OUS STC And consists ONE 8#HILLING | | RY | | London: Siurxr, | And at Railway Bookstalis CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILK digestion. as a Restorative and delici- Mansmatte & Co. CONDYS FLUID Imitation is the sincerest flattery, but when questions of life or death arise, imitators should be — d. ‘|p EPTO N I Z ED MILK To prevent dangerous fraud, the put ENT are cautioned that genuine CONDY’ 8| ad ve Bry ta iv & be - a - FLUID bears the name CONDY & use entirely avoided. MITCHELL, and the address, 67, | SAVORY & MOORE, Turnmill 8t., E.C., at foot of label. NEW BOND STREET, LONDON. Tina, 2s. 6d. each, obtainabie everywhere. vA ,) 3 & 4 =) a -* | COLD MEDAL, maT CunerTien, 1884, Ter Oxty PERFECT SUPPLEMENT awn SUBSTITUTE ron MOTHERS MILK. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILE PATEN For the Invalid. No estion required. For Weakly Children and Convaiescents Delicious in coffee or tea CONCENTRATED lige of ordinary milk, are well adapted for CHILDREN and INVALIDS Kecommended by the Highest Medical Authoritic in England and al! parts of the World. P:epared at Vevey, Switzerland. Sold everywhere coLT’s DOUBLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, | s supplied to H.M. War Department COLT’S SINGLE-ACTION ARMY REVULVES, as adopted by the United | tates Government A ee a TO BE OBTAINED EVERYWHERE. Mamseetures by JOAN GOSNELL & CO. London, DAIRY COMPANY'S ‘SWIS S LUCERNE CONDENSED vase yacu PURE ted MILK. Medical Authorities say this Milk is much more wholesome than the Sweetened Mik emists, &c., at 6d. per Tin ABCHURCH LANE E.C COLT’ « FRONTIER * PISTOL takes the Colt and ie Mavazine Rifle Cartridge, 44 COLTS powes REVOLVER, POCKET REVOLVER, .d DERING jor the Vent pocket ; best quaiit Coit's rr volvers are used a)l over the world. | OOLT’s DOUBLE-BA: BARRELLED SHOT GUNS end MAGAZINE RIFLES, tor India and the Coionies Price List tree M4, Pall Mall London 8.W Of Grocers, Ch W rotesate GILLOTT’S PENS TOSEPH STEEL CLUB EASY CHAIRS Ay MANUFACTURED By HOWARD & SONS 26, BERNERS STREET, W. DESIGNS ON APPLICATION LIFTONVILLE HOT, near MARGATE. On the High Clits fem and close to the Sea-Crescent. Terms for m ment of New Season, ye or including a 3s. Bed-room, Atte ce, and F Board. JEWIs serra Resident Managi OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICAL FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGDoy STERLING SILVER, ELECTRO SILVER KNIVES. SPOONS AND FORKS, WHOLESALE PRICES. CATALOGUES FREE. MAPPIN & WEBB, MANUFACTURERS, POULTRY, CITY (Mansion-House Buildings); and OXFORD ST., W.; LONDON. wher Day, TABLE EPPS’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTINC. COCOA The Gold Med 13 FORAM TED INFANTS FOOD THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS SAVORY & MOORE. LO & OF CHEMISTS &c EL

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t SONS REET, W. ICATION ECONOMICAL THE KINGDo ILVER, ILVER, NIVES. ORKS. RICES. S REE. = BB, CITY sildings) ; LONDON. det ) RTINC. DA ———_ Octossr 3, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —-_ acy , som af Prantl Ve 4 ” hg wD A WARM CORNER. “We had capital sport on the First... . . I was one of a party of four guns posted at the south-west corner of Deadman’s Spinney, and in a quarter of an hour we were up to our knees in birds. It positively rained Pheasants! ”—Eztract from a Private Letter. SORROWS OF A METROPOLITAN CANDIDATE, os aus Onty a month, a ris little month, has since I the distinguished honour of being se- lected by the Liberal and Radical Associa- tion of my Parlia- mentary District as their Candidate at the a hing General ection, and yet the enormous amount of absurd, and imperti- nent, and wearying, and worrying corre- spondence I have had to endure, and not , , only to endure, but to endure without a murmur, and even with an appearance of thankful- ness, is simply incredible. My table groans with awful piles of letters, and such letters! Ni is too t or too small for m merciless persecutors. Am I in favour of a Republic? ‘* Shoul not the Poor-Law Guardians have power to raise the Beadle’s mace without asking permission of an ’aughty Aristocracy?” Should the pe House of Lords be abolished? If not, why not? and if so, how?| and How was I to answer this puzzle satisfactorily ? It took me nearly two hours to concoct an answer, and even then the only reply I got was that my opinions on this crucial question were very unsound, and would require much re-consideration. As to Disestablishment and Disendowment, was I opposed to one, or both, or neither? If to one, which? If to neither, why? If to both, what would I say to dividing the proceeds among poor trades- men, ruined by the wi , in proportion to the number of the ae he being the proud parent of eight ? As to Emigration, which particular Colony would I recommend for 4 fine strapping son aged two-and-twenty, and why, and the pro- bable cost, and the means of supporting him until something eligible up? Could I ibly have any objection to stand godfather ss blooming b, only six weeks old, who was to be named Was I aware of the startling fact that while one shilling’s-worth of - Poor Man’s tea paid a tax of eightpence, that a shilling’s-worth the Bloated Aristocrat’s cham paid a tax of only one half- penny? If so, what did I think of it, and how should I r remedy BS ees iniquity when returned to Parliament? Had fully considered the question of Fair Trade, and with what result as regarded a diseased neighbour’s cattle ? An Irish Elector who says that he represents nearly four hundred of [the same class, asks me to state in plain and unmistakeable language whether T will su that eminent Patriot, Mr. Panwen., in his endeavour to obtain Justice for his down-trodden country, and better wages for his oppressed countrymen ; while a Member of the local Vestry would like to know my views upon the future Govern- ment of the Metropolis. These are but a sample of the various matters I am expected to expound, in lengthy epistles, and to the accomplishment of which task I have devoted every hour of my usual August holiday, and with, I fear, but very moderate success, judging by the unsatisfied tone of the various comments I receive from my numerous correspondents, I am worn out with my incessant work—to me, too, of an especially disagreeable, because an unusual character—I am ill and dispirited and very doubtful of ultimate success, and o— the cheery tones in which my guide, philosopher, and agent, still addresses me, I am fain to confess that Pook back with bitter. regret to the day when I madly allowed myself to be announced as a Candi- date for Parliamentary , \ | honours, and nothing but the fear of the biting sar- — iT casm of my foes, and the ‘ - still more terrible sympa~ / thising pity of mynume- / rous friends, prevent me from at once announcing my retirement from a position that has been, still is, a most un- mitigated nuisance and f almost unbearable bore, and then flying igremty away on the wings of an express train and express Boat to Venice or Egypt or Jericho, —anywhere, anywhere, out of the world ‘‘ of Politics. The Strict J. P. Tose who are apt to sneer at the uselessness of the Great Unpaid, = read the following extract from the Daily Telegraph with great pleasure :— “Two lads under ten years of age were ordered to be flogged by the Barnsley Magistrates yesterday, for stealing a horse value £40.” Whether a chastisement by Justices of the Peace would be more effective than the birch-rod well laid on by an experienced gaoler, we are unable to say. Possibly the Barnsley Magistrates are peculiarly skilful in this kind of punishment; but, if there are many naughty boys in Barnsley, it strikes us that the life of J. P. in that busy town will be anything but a happy one. Bismarck on BarLirrs.— Beats possidentes, ees VOL. LXXXIxX.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocronmr 3, 1886, THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. Il.—From aw AMATEUR AMBASSADOR. Stamboul, Monday. How is London looking justnow? Have youa blue sky overhead? do you breathe soft summer airs? and can you from your windows look out upon the Bosphorus. I! trow not, and, thinking of you and your gloom - autumnal surroundings, , am the more pleased : with the decision I took. Of course, I might have had some office at home, and it was naturally ex- pected that I should take one. But I thought better of it, and have never since regretted the decision. Supposing I had been Under Secretary for Foreign Affairs, or something at the al Government Board, what would have happened ? 1’d have had all the drudgery of the office, and just when I had begun to master the details, and another quarter’s salary came due, we would be all bundled out. But see what I get now. A trip to the East with the pleasantest time of the year coming on; am styled his Excellency ; am received with more or less distinction at the various Courts; have the newspapers chronicling my movements and making all kinds of guesses of things that never happen. Then I arrive here and a high old time I am having of it J can tell you. The only drawback to the pleasure of the excursion hitherto has been B-sM-RCK’s grumpiness. “If it suits S-1-sp-Ry’s game, or is one of his neces- sities, to find a little excursion for you, that’s his affair,” said the Chancellor when I called on him. “ But really you must excuse me. I’m a man of business, with enough serious work on hand to oceupy me, and can’t join you in playing at diplomacy.” That’s his way, and we must put up with it. For the rest, Gy beret nobly. Not a wink or a smile that I have seen, but everyone making-believe that the Mission has serious bearings upon international politics. Bat the crowning delight of the excursion, so far as it has gone, is the conduct of the S-.r-y. He’s really nice. To external view things are conducted with most impressive ceremony. are preliminary meetings with Ministers, audiences fixed, and, when the time comes, we sit yt | the hour, smoking and drinking sherbet (which I detest), and only now then, as it were, breaking the silence by a wink. The other day, to make the thing look more real, the 8-L1-N a me a I confess I ht that was carrying the actuality a little too far. It was particularly awk for me, for, if you remember, | kicked up an awful shine in the House, when, during the negotia- tions with Russia on the Afghan business, Sir Epwarp THornron was kept twenty minutes in the ante-room of the Russian Minister. Some fellow’s sure to remember that, and it would be awkward if my h on the occasion should be quoted. However, the 8-.7-n is such a capital fellow that it is impossible to be angry with him for many minutes. He says he won’t do it again, and thought it would keep up appearances. You'll read in newspapers, from time to time, accounts of my interviews with the 8-.1-y. But I see ine great deal oftener than that. At the second interview he asked me if I ever heard of the Cairn who used to go out at night to,as one may say. I said] had. He says, ‘“‘ Will you come with me?” I said, “ Yes, your Majesty, if i really mean it.” “ Inshallah!” says he. is English Blow me tight, if I don’t !” is singularly idiomatic.) So it was arranged, and after dinner the other night we went off, carefully disguised, and spent a very pleasant evening. I send you a little sketch of our appearance. I had a letter the other day from the Markiss, in which he says that we must sealy besten wp, Gnsies as if we were doing something. I showed to the 8-:1-y, But he won’t hear of it. “‘ No, Lord W-.rr,” his Majesty was pleased to say. ‘‘ For the first time in my life | an enjoying the Eastern Question. If you get this business concluded, you ’ll go, and I will be desolate. We will go on as before, and you shall send for the Lord Corkum, and we’ll show him round.” rh: It’s all very pleasant, and I’m certainly in no haste to leave. But I am bound to go on to Cairo, where it wil] be a little flat after this, and then I must at home in time for my electoral campaign. Pleasure ’s all very well, and, with a jolly ~~ fellow like the S-17-n, one makes | the most of it. But business must also be attended to, So you’ll have me back again shortly, dear Tony; and, e meantime, I remain, Yours, faithfally, To Tony, M.P., The Kennel, Barks. in H. D. W-zrr, TO THE, DARING DUCKLING. (By a Moderate Liberal.) Joz CHAMBERLAIN, my Jox, Sir, You seemed but lately bent On preaching Liberal Unity, To our extreme content. But now you say you will not play, Unless your pace we go. How about Liberal Unity, now, Joe CHAMBERLAIN, my JoE? Joz CHAMBERLAIN, my Jog, Sir, We’re facing roughish weather ; Our only chance of victory, Jor, Seems pulling all together. Though slow the pace, why should you stop? Up hill we all would go, And we’ll meet together at the, top, Joz CHAMBERLAIN, my JoE! | Tue Same Tutxc.—The Daily News publishes the | following :— “Tus SHooTine OvTRacE AT THE Paris Bounse.—By a | telegraphic error in our Paris Correspondent’s ge yesterday, | it was made to appear that the revolver was fired by a Russian. | The word should have been ‘ ruffian.’”’ Mr. Asumeap-Bartiett thinks this correction was entirely supererogatory. Tuat a College Don should in any case be disqualified for the Franchise, is ‘‘ what no Fellow can understand.” TOPICS OF THE DAY. By Dumb-Crambo Junior. -* - _—— The Rising in the (Y)east.

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p ? ps the | —Bya| terday, | ussian. | 1 was ~ , p= Ocroner 3, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 159 A WARNING TO LAWSONITES. First Scotch Boatman, ‘* Wert, GEORDIE, HOO GOT YE ON THE DAY!” _ Second Ditto (drouthy, he had been out with a Free Kirk Mimister, a strict abstainer), ‘Naw ava. TSB AULD CARLE HAD NAR Wauskey, saz I TOOK HIM WHAUR THERE WAS NAE Fousn!” . " " youngest boy) help me in family bed-making yesterday. Tommy “FREE” EVERYTHING. refused. He said Mr. CaimpLrstaty's Act of Parliament dida’t = : : : allow it, and he’d run me in if I didn’t take care!” Query—Is this July 1.—Off to Scarborough. Delightful plan this, Parliament one of the “‘ infant liberties” that I’ve read about? ‘This spread of | establishing ‘‘ State-aided Holiday Trips,” and forbidding Employers - - , , a6 tA | to keep their servants in town during summer months. Quite wath ae trod only, I think, be remedied by a “ Free | having CH-MB-RL-N as Prime Minister when he gives us an ‘* Emanci- ” i $88 ag Mnsecusse, a if dof eo Rey ek eet eon San. gg a A Sy July 3.— , RK ; ” rates ollec s eing ) , « Free Holiday Trine” Sorumptions f Lewdlading Pere dant wem | b¥ Hact of Parlymint.” Somehow I thought I was “free” from | quite to like the * Free Lodging ” lan. it’s true: and in fact, most | ‘°=° altogether. Glad to say Tommy was taken up yesterday for | af'em hewe teen cutee ane hy it tho sinc, Chnevenenes fa stealing a bucket and spade belonging to another boy on the beach. | visitors have to make their own beds. and cook theirown food. as it’s Tommy said “‘ he thought Mr. Cu1mBiyBiarn’s Act had made spades illegal to bring one’s own servants with one in July. Vide “‘ Emanci- and buckles free.” Not a bit of it. Magistrate ordered him a birch- pation of Toilers’ Act,” as before =v . ing—really pleased. Tommy says “it’s a jolly shame;” only he | noily 5—Jolly yachting excursion arranged for to-day. Wonder ie t quite understand the principles of recent democratic legis- ow ; “ - ~ ‘ + y i i i A ps . > . . Yachts ” oes ied = - —- = ay oe ve — A ugust.—TomMyY unbearable—packed him off to Eton—which is like. But then it also giveseverybody else same right, so I have to| 20™° of course, a “ Free School” under the recently passed “* Free get up uncommonly early to be first down at the beach. Since the | ‘Seeondary) Education Act. Holid ie onto Act, too, owners of yachts have generally anchored out at sea, and September.— Back in Town. oliday over, thank heaven: one fired on any boats that come within a hundred yards of th Don’t | U also hard up. Hurrah !—salary-day near. Must go down and | want to be fired at, but do want a yacht yardsof them, Son’! draw my salary, md: wane those sea-side rates and taxes quite as July 6.—N 4 "ov , | stiff as old lodging-house charges. — , lecke ——— hay ag ore sane © oe oe by ee) At Office.—Horrors! Polite intimation from my employer that as about an hour from, chee found it sinking | ’ Shontod 4 Mo... | « ey = of Toilers’ Act a ppeser eo giving me el “ ’ ” By - ‘ 3 | employment during summer months, he feels it would be quite con- hoe - Aa cme eens es, Tae anne ay trary to the spirit of the enactment if he were to offer me any ealary employ him in July! Finally, had to give him five LF. end pro- for the same periees _ that he hopes in October that I may resume i } bs Wa, | my duties, and &c., &e.” ; ’ this com to eh envaeey yt -_ phe ah may | oe Only question now is, Shall I go in for taking advantage of tion of Toller? Act ” lot in jae ccnmiicast’ Made baste anat “ Free Emigrants’ Passages Act,” or “ Free Bankruptey ( vertificate me of Yacht, and don’t care. : Act?” Do latter, and rather concur in Tommy’s depreciatory view July 15.—Rather tired of Holidays. Not well. Arises partly, I of ‘' Free” Eton, Yachts, Tobacco, Holidays, and all the rest of it. ’ — “ Free nay gel Fobacsaniate, now paid a fixed = » and su cigars, &c. tis to an who wants ’em. . it is that yk ing Ges coament thang and stalest weeds.| Lrivyrxc vronw Lawp.—Given to the Agutoutinest Labourer, Land no servants” system fatiguing. Tried to make Tommy (my' to cultivate without any Capital, what he have tocat? Dirt. ‘ay Sper y=

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Ocrozsgr 3, 1885, | A LITTLE HOLIDAY CRUISE. time — Dinner — Sea- Cook — Query — Sea-quacks— Walking — Reminiscence— The Tar — Isla — What course—Councll— Suggestions— Cautsions— Decision. Nezt Day.—No date icular. One loses all idea of time at sea, except breakfast-time, luncheon-time, and dinner-time—especially dinner-time. My rule of sailing is, go where you like all day, from as early an No hour as you can, but put in somewhere, that is, as it were, turn out of the main thoroughfare, and go down some quiet street for dinner. This, I am glad to say, is also our host’s view. He has an excellent *** Oracking a Bottle’ together.”’ cook on board, who, I believe, is considered as lends a hand in that capacit i cordon bleu, or a Captain Coo nautical phraseology, ‘‘ the son of a sea-cook” ever came term of opprobrium. It may ‘not be so nowadays, but it certainly was so in the days of Captain Marryatt, whose Novels are, I see being re-issued at cheap prices. In this author’s time, when one nav gentleman wished to insult another naval gentleman, he spoke of him as ‘‘ the son of a sea-cook.” Now, the more I have seen of sea-cooks, the more inexplicable has this term seemed to me. Take our present admirable artist, for any, His appearance on deck—where his visits are as those of angels, few, and tar between—the simile being rendered all the more forcible from his being clothed from head to foot in white,—strikes me with a sort of awe, that is, when you see him legs and all, for, as a rule, when he ordinarily comes to the surface—for air, I sup he rises from a sort of open trap-door, and shows merely his head and shoulders, like one of the apparitions in the witches’ cauldron, and then, after taking in a suppiy of ozone, he descends once more to his work in his rather limited kitchen, where, as it appears to me, the stove is not half the size of the joint which has to be served. The sea-cook is evidently looked up to by the crew, and is treated, as I can note, with profound — Ex uno disce omnes sea-cooks, or is this one the exception? In fact if, after the Captain, there is one person who is more deferentially treated than another it is the sea-cook. And if sea-cook pére is so eminently supestant, why should it be a reproach to anyone to be the son of such spuat’ Is it ible that the sea-cook is, after all, only a whited sepulchre? No, never! tell that, among other absurdities, to the marines. _It is lovely weather, and Coituvs the Composer is full of inspira- tion. Fresh inspirations are brought by every breeze; we can almost see them coming, and the Composer catching them. The proximity of the Irish coast suggests to him a cantata on the Union of the three countries, to include a selection of the most popular national melodies. Mackracken Bay, or whatever was the name of the tran- quil apt where we anchored for dinner last night, and which we quitted early this morning ere we were out of our comfortable berths, has also suggested a romantic ballad to him. He says it ought to begin with something mysterious, and some words like— ** "Twas in Mackracken Bay All night the (something) lay.’’ And what next? Being in a lazy mood ‘after breakfast, our host supplies a line— ** And in the morn we were under weigh,” which has the merit of being strictly true, though the Composer scorns it. Then, from its not having seized at the moment, the inspiration evaporates, and the Com sits listlessly in his easy- chair, gazing at the islands and the islets, until he hears the quacking of a sea-bird, when he wants to shoot at it, wherever it is. The sea-birds are perfectly indifferent to being shot at by us. They know as well as we do that we only wish to show how near we can go without hitting them. We sho be most unhap: should anyone of the party hurt a sea-bird, as we can’t stop to nak it up, and if we could it would be of no use to us either for eating, stuffing, or selling. On the whole, when we feel that we must shoot—for there are moments on a yacht when you do in to be absolutely fatigued with the exertion of sitting still doing nothi we preter bottles to birds by way of targets; and as ing is apt to result in headache, the necessity for d thing ing strong upon us, we put down the rifle pace the deck s up and down, jocosely at first, saluting one another with d natured nods, just as people meeting on the same promenade at a sea- side resort are accustomed to do, until, in default of not knowing exactly what etiquette requires of you on passing a person for the tenth time in the course of three-quarters of an hour, each looks another way directly they spy each other coming, and at last they cut one another dead, with a glassy snd even contemptuous stare, which says as plainly as words could, ‘‘ Confound the fellow! what’s he doing here still? Why on earth can’t he go away, and let me walk up and down without meeting him ?” [And the mention of this recalls to my mind a very comic scene, su to take place at Brighton. which was given years ago by Messrs. Epmunp Yares and Haroip Power at the Egyptian Hall. Weare repeating that episode on deck now, only without an audience. So we invent dodgy walks, in and out round the skylights, and avoid one another until we feel sociable, then we make as many varia- tions of companionship in promenading as our number will permit. Forp-Bamty prefers sitting down until the Captain gives some word of command, when, being a thorough sailor and up in all the mysterious workings of the ship, he suddenly james up, es at a rope, and is seen hauling at it hand over hand, as if his life, and the lives of all on board depended sclely on his dexterity ae ee of mind at op beam Ley a, and he goes on sternly and y grappling with it long after the crew have done their work, whatever it was, until a quiet old sailor comes up, nods to him p tly in a humouring, patronising sort of way, taking the rope out of his hand, fixes it somewhere with a twist, and retires to the fo’csle, whereupon Bamy, with the modest air of a man who is conscious of having deserved of his country, but is disinclined to urge his claims, resumes his seat without a word, and betakes himself to examining the coast, through his race-glasses as if nothin extraordinary had happened ; but all the time seeming to say to us land-lubbers, “ Look here! it is of stuff like this that the British Tar is made.”’ We are poms more islands. Noone ap tly on any of them. Occasionally a small house. Who lives there? How did he get there? How will he ever get away from there? Do they ever see the papers? I can observe no signs of cultivation. I see no boats, Now and then during the day we catch a glimpse of a large house, most picturesquely situated, evidently belonging to some very rich person ; for only two classes could possibly reside here, the very rich who can get away, and the very poor who can’t, Revolutions might happen in England, or in Scotland for the matter of that, and the residents in these out-of-the-way islands—if there are any residents—would never be any the wiser, as, probably, they would be none the better, for communication with the inner world. Iam not speaking of course of places evidently near such centres of civilisation as Oban, Tobermory, and so forth, but of the wild islands which have names (who gave them ?) and local habita- tions (who live in them ?—Robinson Crusoes and M‘Fridays ?), and which, when carefully searched for, can be found in the sea-c and are known only by sight to mariners, who, however, have never had the curiosity to land and make further inquiries. a> All this is old to us; and Cuxtiins, who has had no inspi- ration since lunch at 1°30, confides to me at 4 P.M. that he yearns for something new. He + to sail away, somewhere, where hasn’t been, to see something he has never seen, and do lots of things he has never done. These are, as I recqgaae, the aspirations of Genius. He repeats these hints to Forp-Bamiy. But Bay has been everywhere, and seen ig beg To him mere sailing is the purest enjoyment. He loves the he loves sailing for sailing® sake ; he loves ships and shipping, he all nautical p at fingers’ ends, and can splice a main-brace, or make taut whatever has to be made taut—for here my powers of description fail me—and ean twist ropes into all sorte of clegant shapes, 8 y priding himself on some peculiar sort of sailor’s knot, and on trimming and plaiting a rope’s end in a decorative fashion, somewhat similar to the manner in which farmers do up the horses’ tails when they are taken toa show. So Forp-Bamuy doesn’t care where he goes a8 long as the ship sails, and he’s in it. Por my , when, after dinner, the subject is broached, and our host politely inquires, ‘‘ Where we fellows would like to go?” I am ready to leave the matter in his hands, and so is CuLiuws the Com- poser, on the understanding, which constitutes a sort of clause in the ment made and provided, that we go somewhere fresh to us, and where he (CvLinvs) has not been before.

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cOReRRAES ER AG re Fee

OcTOBER 3, 1885.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 161

“ How about Staffa and Iona?” asks our host. e | Of all places the ones I, personally, should have selected. Yes, the | Composer, too, brightens up at the mention of Staffa and Iona. He | adds, looking round at our host inquiringly, ‘‘ And Fingal’s Cave, ‘eh?” Whereupon our host replies, ‘‘ Of course.” —_ Already the Composer sees a cantata, or an Oratorio, on Staffa and Iona; though it suddenly occurs to him that “‘ Fingal’s Cave” has | already been done. é ‘ | However, we are unanimous for Staffa and Iona, and, indeed, we all | become enthusiastic on the subject—all, that is, except Foup-Bamty, who is never visibly enthusiastic about wg here | _ He has been out yachting and voyaging about for the greater part s life, is as hardy as an ancient Norseman, as as a veteran mariner ought to be and, as he is ted with possessing an inexhaustible fund of nautical experi- ence, we listen to him with that defer- ence to his — which the authority of such a navigating “Nestor ought to command. For my part, now that we = Tom, ’Aznret, and ’Arky—specially ’AnRY,—at so much a-head, to ;*‘do’ Staffa and Iona, However, it is settled, and to-morrow we start. I take it philosophically ; any change is a little holiday for, me. But the Composer is depressed.

AN UNWELCOME GUEST. | dt 1 Aly | i\d | | | anh a > . >. \ | <i!

SS sl Y (irs, A SerremBer 24. This week Messrs.—but no, we will not give their names—actually sent us Christmas Cards with the usual wishes for a Happy Kew Year! Mr. Punch will have nothing to say to anything of the sort until November, which, Heaven knows, is quite soon enough.

AN AMENDMENT A LA MODE. Some of Mr. Cuampentary’s hearers at the “Vic,” we are in- formed, objected to the old-fashioned t- strains of ** Rule Britannia.” Perhaps the Many- like the refrain better if modified thus :— Fool Britany, Britain never, never, never BRITANNIA fool the State! | Shall be Great !

Tue Gotpen Rote wirn a Dirvenence.—Free Trade, doing as you would be done by. Fair Trade, doing as you are done to.

An ean Be, et

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Octoper 3, 1885,

=

> Tw S i 4 - ‘“ A a , jena j 4S lense ngels

= al ‘ ca = >, Ss ORIGIN OF THE HIGHLAND SCHOTTISCHE. “Tas Is THE WAY THEY TREAD THE Hay, Treap tHe Hay, Treap THe Har; THis 18 THE WAY THEY TREAD THE Hay, Tazap rue Hay in Scor.tanp!”’

THE CHEEKY CHICK. ‘ — DE LUNATICO INQUIRENDO. From an egg as colossal as that of the Roc nd - os rrespo . ’ Which astonished poor Sindbad, ’tis doubtless a shock menting — x lante p - the een me Sen nelle an that, To see such a Chick make his exit. among other absurdities, “lunatics have been put on, and thei sut nous diplomatic seems ill-fated, very keepers have been strack off.” Sir, I protest. This is too hard And facts will combine o'er its fate to make merry, upon lunatics, whether in an asylum, like myself, or out, like the To baffle and bother and vex it. majority of party politicians. The latter class of lunatics are 9 O wonderful wisdom at Berlin so busy! numerous that if they were struck off the Register the electorate O shrewdness united of Bizzy and Dizzy! would be small indeed. We, the small minority in the Asylums, Is this your remarkable issue ? cannot, of course, pretend to compete in inconsequence of thought, 0 mesiadied Sages, whose joy is to weave or fury of speech, with the vast horde of political and literary lunatics The web of the future, how is it you leave such as spout on party platforms or pen party philippics for the Fortuitous holes in its tissue ? Event owler or the St. Jingo Gazette. f don’t think our claims ought to be entirely ignored, much Could a congress of ostriches scheme to combi But : ; One huge joint-stock egg, it might look mighty fine, lees openly derided. I myself possess pronounced politieal opinions Bat, laid in the and neglected though I have no opportunity of pronouncing them. old, If, in fulness of time, the egg-mountain gave birth instance, that Mr. GLapstowe is the Antichrist, that Lord Saissvzt To a mouse-like t, moving gazers to mirth, yearns to bring about an European Armageddon, that Mr. CHAMBER- What more could be fairly expected ? LAIN is a mixture of Autolycus, Rob Roy, and Jeremy Didier : Os Our protocol-spinners, what are they at best aoa a re cal sober Bhatenman of the Peels bode reat —e But ostriches — with Fate’s sands for their nest ? Mr. Asuweap-Bantterr. I also believe that the full establishment Their eggs how abortive and addled ! of Protection, the abolition of the House of Commons, the Munici- Is ran by a sted That ip eeldom content | End Tree Clothing-—wil bring. back the Aveadian ge of Gad Y 2 ree s—w Ting e ge 0 ; rd — to be bridled and saddled. leaps and aw ~~ you, if these eenee ene oa views Ac oung Chick to have broken the shell are to incapacitate me for ssing a vote, where, in the name Of so mensiooes on ng poomatundia | Well, well! that rampant rabies called Party Spirit, are you to find your pro wig structures are sometimes most brittle. perly qualified voters? I pause hee. =< t seems to t with its of fate, ours indignantly, Will ise, ce, a new Csar the Great, Poor Tom. yield—ALEXANDER the Little !

BRAVO, “ GenzsTa”! ApmreaLty Amusement. — Playing at ducks and drakes with Sre Ricwarp’s trip will not be vain or vauntless, Supplies. The dauntless Britisher has licked the Dauntless !

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tT it > a FaAaRe I} SRPASFE FREES + age So | | PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroper 3, 1885. ee yt hs ys ! ay Mee ; e%, 4 \\\ /n My \\Wj “\ j y) THE CHEEKY CHICK. ALEXANDER THE Lirrie. “ MY! WHAT A ROW I’M MAKING!!”

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Page 223

Ocroszr 3, 1885.)

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4 i- SHOOTING PUZZLE. Given A MAN WHO HAS NEVER USED A GUN BEFORE—WHAT WILL BE HIS Bac? N.B,—S&VERAL OF THE PARTY ARE ALREADY BEHIND THE HeEpec

HOW BRER TURKEY-BUZZARD BOTHERS BRER WOLFF, AND RER WOLFF HAS TO LAY LOW, AND WAIT. “While the Turkish Authorities are in a condition of anxiety and per- lexity, it cannot be expected that progress should be made with Sir H. D. oL¥r’s negotiations, and several days must elapse before they can be resumed.’’— Times Constantinople Correspondent. “Uncte Remus,” said the little boy, ‘I want to know how Brer Wolff got on with Brer Turkey-Buzzard, after all.” Natchul, honey,” said the old man, chuckling. ‘‘ You ain’t de ony one, nudder, wat wanter know dat same. Lots er *quiries ’bout Brer Wolff en Brer Turkey-Buzzard, I can ’sure yer. But wa’t I tell yer, honey? Did’n I tell yer ter des hole yo breff’n wait, cose | nex time you hear from ’m he’d be in trouble ?’ : You did, Unele Remus,” said the little boy, gravely. = V oy well, den!” said old man, with much self-complacency. Des like w’at I tell yer des so it ’appen. Brer Wolff he go lippity- pepity doun de road to meet up wid Brer Turkey-Buzzard. Brer ; urkey-Buzzard, he sorter d ’ at his doorway like de nigger in e cool er de evening. Brer Wolff he mighty frenly. Brer Turkey- Buzzard he monstus perlite. \, , Howdy, Brer Turkey-Buzzard ?’ sez Brer Wolff, sezee. 7 Lounjun ’roun, Brer Wolff, = ’roun en suffer’n,’ sez Brer urkey-Buzzard, not makin’ like he ‘low Brer Wolff fer ter enter. Den Brer Wolff he git sorter palaversome. Brer Turkey-Buzzard ant sayin nuthin’ ’t He des ruck off, he did, en kep his mouf : et, en Brer Wolff know’d der wuz bizness cookin’ up fer him, en e - mighty fretsome. Brer Wolff he monstus smart, but Brer urkey-Buzzard he des de same ole one-en-sixpence wut der ain’t much change outer. us yew ad et ny ad Alligator ?’ sez Brer Wolff, sezce. Tr - Buzzard, eo mad seein’ er you, I ’spees,’ ’spons Brer Turkey W’at you laffin’ at, Brer Turkey-Buzzard?’ sez Brer Wolff, ‘ “At yo’ er askin’ me ’bout Brer Alligator wat you en Brer Bull- we kinder toted outer my charge coze you say he not er doin’ well. ar © ae dovtor bleedzed ter come en ask de ole doctor ’ow de

sym’tums seem ter segashuate. Ho! ho! ho!’ En Brer Turkey- Buzzard stood a smokin’ er his long pipe, wid mo’ proudness w’at you mos’ ever see. ** Brer Wolff he look kinder conflobusted like. Den he say, ‘ Lookye yar, Brer Turkey-Buzzard. Brer Alligator he mighty bad cordin’ to all tellins! Brer Bull-Frog he kinder give up der case some time ago. Gran’ Old Man Rabbit wut scrouged you outer der cump’ney he lay low, en can’t say nuthin’ des now cose he out’n de cole en los’ his voice. ’Spose you en me des lay our heads tergedder en see ef we can’t kinder patch up Brer Alligator en be frens in all roun’ ’fo’ Brer Rabbit he sorter rampage roun’ en spile de ole bizness like he done afore.’ ‘* Brer Buzzard, he aint sayin nuthin’, but he keep up & monstus |thinkin’. Bimeby he ’mark sorter yi like, ‘I wunner wen | Brer Wolff reckon to ev done wid Brer Alligator en to tote hisself | outer der house en leave ’fairs cumf’ble like ’tween me en my tenant Brer Alligator, des like dey wuz ’afore he en de udder doctor Brer | Bull-Frog interfered wid de case.’ | Oh wun er deze days, one er dese fine days,’ Brer Buzzard, |’spons Brer Wolff, kinder keerless like. ** « Some day’s des one day atter never,’ sez Brer Turkey-Buzzard, sezee, kinder caboodling roun’ wid his fedders spead, so 's ter keep Brer Wolff frum der door ’thout er seemun to. “Des et dis yer time der wuz a monstus ter-do in Brer Turkey- Buzzard’s ’stablishment erlong er wunner his chilluns, Miss "Melia, wut had ran away wid * youne naber ez had long bin er castin sheep’s eyes onter her. All de animils en de beasteses wuz drefile discommodated, en Brer Turkey-Buzzard he ty angry. Dey holler wahoo ! here, en deyfho wahoo ! dere, but dey aint done ketch up wid de runaway couple ’twel dey wuz safely mayyied en done fer. Coze, honey, dis + ig contumblement upset all de palar- verments, tween Brer Wolff en Brer Turkey-B Brer Wolff he des scratch his head en lay low twel der storm blow over. **So you see, chile,” concluded the Old — Brer Wolff, fo’ all his cunnin’, ain’t done got no forrerder, not yet he ain’t, in de bizness wot he wuz sent out by Brer Bison en Ole Har’ en Grav’ Young Man Fox fer ter segashuate. En ’pears to me, honey, ez he's

got + long row to hoe ‘fo’ he gits ter de end er dat tater- patch |”

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166 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Octonzr 3, 1 IL EARLY ANGLO-FRENCH. Willie, “ ASK HER WHAT sHE’s THINKING oF, GzoncrE.” Georgie, “ Qu’EsT-cB qve vous Pznsrz pg!” [ New French Maid smiles. Willie. *‘ Ask HER WHAT sHE’s LAUGHING aT, GroroIE.” Georgie, **Qu'EsT-cR Que vous Riez A?” SONG OF AN OUTSIDER. Facit indignatio versus, ts pipe sweetly de omnibus rebus, Would some one in search of a subject could see Bus As theme for indignant apostrophe. Here I A tuppeny outsider wet, and so Sit huddled in horrid discomfort e You are not worth living, upon a damp “‘ knifeboari,” The seat has no cushions, ’tis reekingly damp, The East wind is playing wild tricks with my Gamp, f apron at all is provided, petition for one is derided, : By him, the warm-muffied Conductor, whose mind Seems entirely at ease whilst it’s all ‘‘ right behind.” I sit in a stream with my feet in a flood, A rill down my spine is congealing my blood. No comfort, no shelter. When it comes frou a Clerk on a Tuppeny ’Bus! Tam not a poet, but oh, that some bard case, which is certainly hard; Would take up m Would wake up t Dry cushions and Mackintos I feel sure, is the right of a constant Though but a poor Clerk and a “ regular Outsi apron. No less, Pretty Picxryes.— One day last week the Hop- pickers on the Duke of Eprysuren’s grounds refused tp take a shilling a basket for their pickings up in a body to interview His Ro |much are my neighbours giving ? and threepence a basket,” reply the pickers. says H.R.H., ** I’ll give you one-and-sixpence a basket!” Whereat there was great cheering and Save the Queen.” Now this was very sively generous, on the But was it quite doing to his neighbours what he would wish his neighbours to do tohim ? Won’t his neigh- | bours have to give one-and-si who are his neighbours? Can too? or areSthey dependent on a good hop-year to recoup them for previous losses? These questions they ’ll settle among themselves in that part of the count as the generous impulse goes, ‘* Bravo Dook |” QUID PRO QUO; Or, the Coming Railway Report—according to Mr, Sutherst. Tue half-yearly Meeting of the General British Railway Company was held yesterday, the Chairman presiding. He said that in moving the adoption of the Report he had, in the first place, to congratulate the Shareholders on the rigid economy that had been } in the working department, an economy that did credit to concerned in the management of the line, from the General Traffic Manager down to the most subordinate official. _ He was proud to say that they had got, on an average, a good working week of 115 hours out of their men all round, and th h there had been some complaining, and a break-down here and the whole result had eminently satisfactory. The system of keeping one driver on his engine for twenty-five hours at a stretch, and of sending a guard back straight | d off on a fifteen hours’ return journey, had been found to work effi- ciently ; and though some si men had protested on not being relieved for nineteen hours and a half, and in one or two instances had alleged that they were not able to totter to their posts and con- tinue their labours, yet their prompt and instant dismissal had had a salutary effect, and no more insubordination of this kind was likely to be encountered in future. The saving in expenditure under this need had been therefore a matter for decided congratulation. e ; ted, however, that the rest of the Report could hardly be described as couleur de rose. The serious accidents that had marked the half-year’s proceedings, and he wished it to be understood that he used that word “‘ serious” in reference to the damaging effect on the Company’s receipts, had had, he regretted to own it, a depressing effect on their financial interests. It had been — in some a that these accidents had been entirely due tothe failure of Company’s servants, who had broken down under undue pressure and over-strain. He thought not, and he might add that his brother | P Directors were of the same cheerful opinion. Bti paid away in compensation for life and limb bpm needy Nae oy and the fact that the whole of the dividend, not only on the inary, but also on the preference and the debenture stock of the Compan | had been totally absorbed in meeting the claims against them, must | He, however, recommended the adop- | ight have ‘better This announcement, together wi of no dividend, appeared fairly to stun the meeting, and was received with indescribable uproar, which, owing to the fact that the Chair- man and the Directors were chased several times round the platform | _— gang of Shareholders, had not subsided when our be regarded as unsatisfactory. tion of the Report, and only trusted that they luck next time.” COOLING DOWN ; OR, FOUR PAGES OF A PRINCE'S JOURNAL. Thursday.—Awoke at four a.m. out of a sweet sleep by m Announces to me through the keyhole that Roumelia has risen, and wants to know whether I won’t get up and Jump out of bed and think it over. to toss up for it with a Russian rouble. Do so the best out of three. I am in for it! all Tell the Aide-de-cam ; Hurry on a Field-Marshal’s uniform, | get down as quickly as possible. Rather like the whole thing. Quite a “‘ little surprise for ’em” at Constantinople—and elsewhere. Wonder how it will go down at St. Petersburg. Anyhow, Houp-l4. Off we go! Enthusiasm indescribable. Pas , Friday.—Arrived at Philippopolis. Enthusiasm still indescribable. Wonder what I had better do next. Write and explain to the Powers all round? Iwill. Point out how entirely spontaneous and surprising was the movement. faction on six sides of foolscap Powers. M. KaRavELorr says He says ‘‘ Nonsense.” ushes me on to the bal endous. ight, and that I must “think of the movement.” the movement.” Had interviews with Foreign Representatives, one after the other, in the Have proved this to my 0 and sent it off to the s “* mustn’t mind” Russia. | to 1’m * to think of the movement. cony. Cheering trem:

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‘Ooroumn 3, 1888. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL BesowaTrs la > ‘Rea na TA ii OCTOBER Ist. “BANG WENT SAXPENCE!” wih, Mf almost disagreeably, reserved;, Went on to the balcony Feel gloomy, though am still cheered to the echo whenever I am for with each of them in turn, to let them see the popular appreciation a moment caught sight of. Manage to meen oP my pecker by taking The Still wish I back at of my conduct. Cheering still tremendous. were obliged to | an occasional turn in the balcony. was admit that the enthusiasm seemed quite indescribable. Still couldn’t Sofia. Hint this to Karavetorr. Says there is no “‘ going back,” Leite md definite out of any of them. Very different, however, | only ‘going forward.” Afraid he is right. Wonder how far I oa ‘“ Your} F mal Hy and T E the two Englishmen Called shall have to go! Bother United Bulgaria! sheers and one cheer more” for “‘the Prince of United Bulgaria.” ‘aken, up bythe crowd with a roar, Evidently I have done the ON A RECENT TRIAL. pene . Volunteer, in a moment of excitement, ‘‘ to march to the In future, if he has or hasn’t any cash, deli s with wild tions of frenzied Until the Verdict’s given, he’s to “cut a Dash.” Worn, Can't help it. Forward. Houp ia! Off we go again! - paw ged all end! “ Tue Good Old pe [? ~ “ Old —_ ed ae tal 7% headache. Occupied all day in reading nasty lately arranged for Leo Tue THIRTEENTH, King PAIN, comments in the Continental, Press on the upen e events here. | Prince BismaRck. .

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ENCE WE? AN “INTERIOR AND EXTERIOR.” Scenzr—New Building in course of erection in view of Government Offices, SONG IN A SMOCK-FROCK, Prope calls me a clodhopper, bumpkin, and clown, And a chawbacon—some on ’um up there in Town: Also Hope, in their newspapers sometimes they styles Or as commonly crissens me otherwise GILEs, . Gee-ho, Dobbin! Here be I in a new sart o’ carickter quite, As they tells me, come into an Englishman’s right, And their wonder is how I s act wi’ my vote, A good deal, they expects like a bear in a boat. Gee-ho, Dobbin ! Will the Radical chap be the man o’ my choice, Or the Tory persuade me to gie un a voice ? Shall the Free or Fair Trader my Candidate be, Or the Friend o’ the Farmer the jockey for me ? Gee-ho, Dobbin! There be some, what, if they gets the mepounect hand, Says they ’ll gie every ottilon a good bit o’ land For to farm his own self, keep a pig and a cow, That’s your sort, if they ’ll help you to find the means hoy, Gee-ho, Dobbin! Them ’s the fellers I’d vote for, beyond e’er a doubt, If I thought they could carry their promises out, Knowun best what my wants be, of sitch I should say Let them there ——_ me ; the fittest be they. -ho, Dobbin ! If I know’d who'd be like so to vote or to” q As to bring me a shillun moor Ss & week, ’Tis for he that I’d poll, the plain truth to declare, But there ’s no beun sartun consarnun that are. Gee-ho, Dobbin! I knows ’t ’ood be shameful my suffridge to sell, And bribery, so penial, se me as well. . But what good is a Member to me, a poor man, Any moor nor to got by un all that I can ? -ho, Dobbin ! And your gentlefolks, too, the’same purpose pursues ; They han’t nothun to gain, but got summat to lose; _ And their hopes, whosomdever their votes they med gie, e Government Clerk (to Fellow Clerk), “’Say, Frep, I'vm agen watoutxe Txt | /8 of losun the least as can possible be. BRICKLAYER FOR THE Last TWENTY MINUTES, AND HE HAS NOT DONE A STROKE Gee-ho, Dobbin! OF WORK ALL THE TIME! Tae COUNTRY MAY WELL BE GoING TO THE Dos!” | What although I be called Jomnny Raw and Jon Txor, Easy-going Bricklayer (to Fellow Artisan). ‘‘’Say, Brit, I’vz BEEN WATCHING | Full as well as my betters I knows what is what; THAT ‘skeE CLERK FOR THE LAST HALF-HOUR, AND, BLOW ME! HE’s poNE|I shall goo for the main chance as well as I may, NUTHIN’ ALL THE TIME! HE GETS FOR THAT!” TAXES MAY WELL BE HIGH! WONDER wsHaT Pay| And no doubt vote no wus, if no better, than they. Gee-ho, Dobbin ! THE BLACK BOARD. A Fragment of Unexplained Metropolitan Romance. “The matters at issue are of a kind which no public body can venture to leave unnoticed. The Board is charged with wilful complicity in a disregard of its own sanitary rules, and with a downright fraud besides, or, in the alter- native, with conducting ite business in so muddled a fashion as to deprive it of all claim to confidence.’’— Times. Tue two figures emerged from the gloom, and sped on their way down the newly-constructed thoro are. They paused opposite a large but dilapidated public-house that stood alone, as if insolently defying the levelling process that had destroyed all the neighbouring buildings. The foremost spoke. ‘And this is one?” he asked of his companion. A hoarse laugh of assent was his reply, but he understood its meaning, and, after a pause, approached the flarin side-door of the premises. ere was a low ley in a smothe undertone with the landlord, broken only by the chink of gold, and then the two moved on again. ‘“ It is something to be a member of the Metropolitan Board of Works,” contin the first speaker. “Ha! ha! These foul rookeries pay handsomely for their footing |” And he fingered the loose coin in his great-coat pockets till its ring rattled across the deserted site of the new street. They were superintending the laying of obsolete granite pavement now. The younger er a sinister look in his eye as he watched the costly futile . Then he broke silence— “* Broomasury’ has asked in the 7imes,” he cried, *‘ whether an large contract for granite,in which any member of the Board is direetly or indirectly interested, has any to do with this vexa- tious and wasteful procedure. How can we answer that? Ha! ha! right merrily, enough I warrant me!” There was a malicious subacid tone in his voice. His companion responded by a long, low, wicked laugh, and the too moved moodily away towards Marylebone. . * * * * * They have reached a black alley now. A noisome stench hangs heavily upon the oppressive atmosphere, but they push on. A house mdemned as uninhabitable by the local Vestry is rotting in the co isoned precincts with a padlock on its door. A second has been con- emnedl and is partially destroyed, but the third still stands. This they approach. They halt on the threshold. ‘‘ A pretty bit of pro- perty this,” remarks the foremost, with grim humour, “ but itis sweeter work, I can tell you, fingering your money than collecting it. Bah! but [ must in and face it!” And so saying, at the same time muffling himself up with a huge comforter as a protection against the putrid miasma that meets him on the door-step, he staggers through the portal and enters the house. The other looks fter him, and then casts an inquiring glance up at the tottering premises. ‘‘ Hum, he growls, “‘ and that rotten place holds fifty inmates does it ? Well I’m blest! However, he knows what he’s about - he does, and 50, and here he gives an ugly chuckle, “I flatter myself does the Board!” Then with an oath he turned towards Spring Gardens. * > * * * Nor For Exoven.—It is being said that if we wear fur all the ear round, we shall be cooler in summer and warmer in winter. ho suggests this? A Gentleman with the furner interest ? But has he ever been due North in furrin’ parts? How- ever, the new teaching won’t obtain many adherents; and as for ourselves, we'll have our flannels and silks in summer; and as to winter By a Rural Elector, to a very old Air—‘* Gee-ho, Dobbin 1”) | —well, our mode of dress, then, may be in-furr’d. ——ao @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. This Written by manly hum and has ret Emb HANDLE Man I a l ASK MA in Eng Engra\ “The N “ ApsourT! AEGIS Soria, Potas For Gout: EL GOLD MEDs 251 Canauace I RICHD. 92 and 94, Bioowsev Agents fer BU Is admitted b fo be the be It gives perm the nerve j ping, an Busts

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Oocrosmn 8, 1885.

Embellished with nearly 1000 of 6 medium 8vo volumes, large margin, el HANDLEY CROSS; Jorro uny Sketches on Price 16s. in England, Many Sketches Engravings. Price 14s. pANOL EY pross or, Mr. Wood, and 17 Steel Engravings. | ASK MAMMA ; or, The ) Michest ¢ Pemmoner and 13 Stee ERIES OF i-coloured Steel Engravings. PORTING Novets. This inimitable series of volumes is absolutely unique, there being nothing appocaching to them in all the wide range of modern or ancient literature - ten by Mr. Surtees, a well-known country gentleman, who was passionately devoted t humour of a Rabelaisian tinge, they abound with incidents redolent of mirth and jc li ty. ~" a reflected in his illustrations, with instinctive appreciation, the rollicking abandon of the author's stories. OHN LEECH’s best Sketches on Wood, and 100 Han o the healthy sport of fox-hunting, and gifted with a keen spirit of The artist, Mr. Leech, was himself also an enthusiast in the sport, By Joun Leecu and H. K. Browne th extra, price £4 4s. ; and in half morocco, with panelled hunting adornments, gilt and finished, price £5 12r. 6, These Volumes can be cks’s Hunt.; SPONGE'S SPOR Sketches on Wood, and 13 Steel Engravings. PLAIN OR RINGLETS? Many Sketches on Wood, and 13 Steel Engravings. Price l4s. had separately as under :— TING TOUR. Many Price lds,

BRADBURY, AGNEW, &

co., Bouvariz Srreer, E.C. 12s, MR. FACEY ROMPORD'S HOUNDS. Steel Engravings. HAWBUCK GRANGE; or, Adventures of Thomas _ P ingravings by H. K. 24 Price lés The Sporting Esquire. Wi Bro wwe (Phiz). ry

“The National Table Waters,” ELLIS'S

“,peotorett Pos.”

WATERS REGISTERED. EstaBLisHEep 1825, Soiia, Potass, Seltzer, Lemonade, Aromatic Ginger Ale, For Gout: Lithia Water, and Lithia and Potass Water.

ASK FOR ELLIS’S So_p Evarrwuens. SOLE ADDRESS—R. ELLIS & SOM, RUTHIN, NORTH WALES. London Agents: W. BEST & SONS, Hen rietta Street, C Cavendish lish Square, SCARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, 1684. 25e. the Gall; 608. the Doz. Canntace Parp So Ontr. RICHD. MATHEWS & C0., 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N.W. ‘ROTTL: ING 8STORES— Buoowssvay Manstox, Haar Srarer, W.C. Agets fer India—CUTLER, PALMER, & CO. SBUNTER’S Is admitted by Dentists and the Medical pretesson j be the best known CURE for TOOTHA It gives permanent relief by calplass ounaielotl ; ‘ot tee nerve in decayed teeth, forms a complete stop- ping, an nd renders extraction unnecessary. BUNTER'S NERVINE. man from bristol writes:—“ After * of suffering and many sleepless othe a | + he decay ed tooth, I wes induced to use Bunter s taviwe, Which gave me instant relief,and enabled me to use the tc soth without the a htest incon- renienee.""—Sole everywhere. ls. - and | BUSTER'S NERVINE. ommercial Traveller writes:—‘ I have used ommended Busten's Nexvinx for the last * 45 a sure cure for toothache. Should no think of starting on a journey without itthan } should a wine as may De ree. IE. HIGHE st. ¢ N E RVI ee (or

and re Sy

Ta thi EXHIB" 1884.

A Combination of all that is Invigor In SUMMER.—Samphire The OCEAN and the ANIMAL and VEGETABLE WORLDS laid under CONTRIBUTION to furnish forth an ELIXIR of HEALTH. SAMPHIRE ATING, REFRESHING, COOLING, and DELIGHTFUL, drawn from the most Warrantable Sources. SOAP. Soap keeps the body delightfully cool, checks excessive perspiration, and maintains the normal action of t In WINTER.—Samphire Soap prevents chaps and roughness, and renders the skin soft and lissome, in a manner no other agent can do, he skin,

Ten-Shillingsworth (20 Tablets) of Sam phire Soap provides a perennial Sea-Bath.

OF ALL CHEMISTS, GROCERS, ITALIAN WAREHOUSEMEN, &c. J.C. & J. FIELD, Cou Meoat Ozoxenit Canove Works, Lamseru,$.E.

SILVER MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, LONDON, 1884. HEERING’S ONLY GENUINE COPENHAGEN oii. CHERRY feta PETER F. HEERING, BRANDY. Puaveron sr Arromt- MENTS TO THE Rorat Dawiem avo Iurrarst Rossin Covars, awp H.R.H. tus Paince or Wates. LIQUEUR of the GRANDE CHARTREUSE. This excellent Liqueur, the Choleraic Attacks and also the er for Indiges- tion, can now be obtained of all Wine Mere hants. The late advance in the Customs duty not having been maintained, the Liqueur is again procurable at prices which bring it within the reach of nearly all classes. Bole ee. w. OYLE, 2, New Lonpon Rien Mian Lane,

E.C.

CHAMPAGNE. TISSOT FRERES’, Vintace 1590, 57s. and 66s. per Dozen. SOLE AGENTS, LIBERTY & CO,, MELLORS SAUCE great prev: ntive of LIBERTY Spring Gardens, Charing Cross. | PatTronised BY Hen Masserr. THE NAUTILUS GRATE. Hiouser Awa Tus HEAL THERIES,

per- warms the ye ~* throughout, with PETTER, TROVIE Write for a Catalogue. MADDOCK’S OLD ENGLISH LAVENDER WATER, “No more desirable scent exists.” SHILLING PER BOTTLE, OF ALL DRAPERS AND CHEMISTS Wholesale only, |\DEBENHAM & FREEBODY, 7, GUTTER LANE, E.C. PEPPER'S QUININE ax IRON aheey TONIC STRENGTH, ENERGY. Gives grect Bodily, Nerve, Mental, and Digestive Strength. Hotties, #2 doses, sold every w Ingist on having Psrrea’s Tonic.

ONE

a iVez iBorwicKs BAKING POWDER ut

FOR CAKES PASTRY & PUDDING

Guaranteed perfectly pure Cocoa only.

Cocoa

9 Perfected” COD LIVER OIL “Is as ngarly ) testelene as Cod-Liver Od) ean be.” — “No nauseons ¢ - "ee follow after it is ewallowed.""— Medica! Press It can be borne and digested by the most delicate ; is the only oil which does not “ ;” and for these reasons the mnet odheacl ous kind in use, In eap- guled bottles only, 1/4, 2/6, 4/9, & 9/-, Allen & Hanburys’ Malt Extract forms a valuable adjunct to Cod-Liver Oil, being a powerful aid to digestion Bottles, 2s. and 3s. Gd.

MEDAL WHISKY of the CORK DISTILLERIES CO _, LIMIT PRIZE GIX PRIZE MEDALS FOR IRISH WHISK Firet Prise Medal, Philadelphia, 1#76 , y os 4 Medal, Paris, #78 First Prize Medal, Bydney , 1879; Three I’riee Medals, Cork, Isnt “WERY fine, full flavor and Good Spirit "—Jurors’ Award, Philadelphia Centennial Exhibition, 1876 4 YP NQUESTIONABLY as fine a specimen as one could wish to Jurors’ Award, Cork Exhibition, -— [HIS FINE OLD IRISH WHISKY may be had of the principal Win end Spirit Dealers, and is supplied to whole sale merchants in casks and cases by THE EO DISTILLERIES CORK Morrison's Island, Cork ADAMS’S FURNITURE

POLISH. THE OLDEST AND BEST, “Tun Queen” (the Lady's Newspaper) “ feels no hesitation in recommending it.”

Bold by Grocers, Lronmongers, Oilmen, &c Manufactory—VICTORIA PARK, SHEFFIELD E Invaluable in the severest forms of wearelet » Heo P| LL S. yous and They will f a Headache, excellent nerve tonle _ where there ia nervous irritability and exh by a ens. In bottles, <r d., "et Gh Chemist Wholesale at Bancust & Kons, London THE NORMAL | . DIURETI¢ APERIENT

Extract.

Page 228

es

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ooctonzr 3, 1885.

»pical Climates, water, has established its r Salt lence the material for Nautical, Seaside, and Outdoor Wear, and for T: sh secures an absolutely fast colour, unaffected alike by Sun and the character as par excel Its superior dye, whic ‘ =o Patronage of the Re a New Patterns Post Free, including other Fashionable Fabrics, Carriage Paid to any Railway Station in the United Kingdom on Orders over 20s. GOODS PACKED FOR EXPORTATION. AND FASHION OF THE WORLD. ANY LENGTH CUT. Eton SAMUEL BROTHERS, MEKCHANT TAILOKS, OUTFITTERS 4

"GOLD MEDAL, ANTWERP, ims, TADDY & a Lovoon, awed

Ditto for Gentlemer. and Boys, 54 in., from 2s. 11d. per Yard, . 48. 6d. to 7s. Gd. per Yard. Serges for Tropical Climates, 54 in “You Sxoutp Try THein Myers Grove” The F aldaaae CAFETION <$

Prices for Ladies, 1s. to 4s. 6d. per Yard. Recomm medical authorities. May © obtained at all the pisces P furnishing lronmongers & » large om ae Nickel &- 12/- 16/- 16/- Pn

ADDRESS: ECERTON ail Ms B, EE ene SOMERSET. | nantri ff LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. Lea e Pennine Shor which are calculated to deceive the Public, Dae 6 Funes ee eee aoe tothe factthat h bottle of the Original and Genuine WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE lew these

*,* Bold Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester, Ce a. | wd Lenéon , and Export Olmes Retall by Dealers in Gecces a throughout the Worid. Send stamp Soe

& Botanic Medicine Co.,3

UBEBS CANNABIS IND. SAVARS aad Relief in Asthma, CUBEB CIGARETTES. Throat Affections, Coug Bronchitis » EaBecnse. A Specific against Fo One Cigarette the last ti lag ensures a good night's rest Box of 12, ls ~ directions. hem ists. STRAMONIUM Box of 36. éd zents for jand, Ireland, and Colonies — THOS T COOK & CO., 36, Sxow Hitt, Lemme nts for Scotia R. WYLIE HILL & CO., Anorit Or, Guasere Gaseot *|M°CALL'S

prt Fieabiiae., WC.

OF Grocers, &c., and C ‘MRISTIE'S, Milton Street, E.C. SODA WATER & Imported from the Pilanta- tions of that name

any address in the United A list of leading Agents sent on application to J. SCHWEPPE & CO., 51, Berners Street, London. Carriage is paid on F ull and Empties to and from Kingdom.

—— = ow oe PAYSANDU OX TONGUES. direct

POTASS WA SELTZER WATER, GINGER ALE MALVERN SELTZER, 4s. 64. per Doe (Exclusive of Bottles. ) 3s. 6d. per Dos

Walers

Pa wa eS PT PAE NS Ta ST SE a Se a BS ot hondoe—Batwaset, veg ri aed 7 SAMUEL BROTHER 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lospos, Ee |

SATURDATY. EVERY

PUBLISHED

Page 229

FPRTRERS PC SPAS TP Pease aol

PUBLISHED

> ) - “« 7) > = uw > al

‘ANIMAL LIFE on THE FARM,’ “pricniturat Dopacomene Privy Council Office, —bveing the Eighth & concluding Volume in the “HANDBOOK OF THE FARM SERIES,” #5 at press, and will be i be publishe ain Nove mober. 2/6. (eset teorte

VOLUME EIGHTY- NINE. —~—— OCTOBER 10, i= tere woe. a EDU RL PA Or 2 Un KAS => oi ’ \yud Pe Hibs ils

” PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL» BOOKSELLERS, BODA Lg ASS WA SELTSeR WATER, Gn, 04. pes Dos. f Baciustee y ltt, GINGER ALE, Yo > WZ e ae MALVESN SELTZER, 40. 64. por Doz. Carriage is paid on Full and Empties to and from any address in Sh | eC Wa ” P the United Kingdom. WEben oh GL, Decheee Bh. Lenten. ; PPE & CO.

BSY¥HL 30l8d “3ON3d

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—______ W. mM THACKERAY'S HITHERTO UNCOLLECTED WRITINGS Volumes % and & of the Stascsan EBovrson of the COMPLETE | WORKS OF W. CKERAY Now ready. Volume @ With [lastrations by the Author Large Svo lO: 64 MISCELLANIOUS ESSAYS, SKETCHES, AND REVIEWS. * Thee nmtent« thie Voleme heve not therto « Mr Thackeray's collecto works They ” ‘ iefly of contrilvutions to Magazines, written when he was between twenty ea and t ty Ove years of age, oa Ther pert hatew ate mattered papers t « . to 5 fe it . ’ that lame, and « Volu yet “oe tam all Mer. Thackeray's carly writings which have not from their slight ond | ephemera nature st all interest from the mere ayer me Voi. %, completing the Staxpane Vprrien,” will ey shed in November London: Surra, Evoen, & ( 6, Waterloo Piace NEW VOLUME OF THE DICTIONARY OF NATIONAL BIOGRAPHY Now ready, price ide 64. in cloth; or in half moroces, marbled edges, its, Volame IV. (Beal to Hide yal #vo, of the Deerenarnt as OF NATIONAL BI —~ Vdited by Leecis Steraen be published on January |, 1686 and tae ‘bubs equent V omnes at Interval sof Three onthe Lone yo: Surre, Rcoen, & Co., 6, Waterioo Piece. NEW NOVEL BY W. B. NOKKIS At all the Librarics, im 3 vols, post fro A. Noe Author of “ No New Thing,’ “ Mademots rene Matrimony ,"’ 4 Bonde: Surre, Ropen, & Co, 16, Waterloo Pisce. POPULAR NEW NOVELS. AT ALL THE LIBRARIES A GIRTON GIRL. By Mrs. Asnie Low.sapes FOR LILIAS. By R. N. Carey. ANDROMEDA. By Geonce Fiemme. 2 vols SISTERS- IN. LAW. By Lady | Mancaae steve. 3 vols MRS. HOLLYER. By G. M. Ricsaen BRextver & Bon, New Burlington 8t yrscurcs. LAN’ s MAGAZINE ocTevl yo tains A Prince of Court tom By wens er Pats Hotes in a Swiss Village. ''y Murrough O il Macaulay and Sir Elujab Impey Was Gierdanc Branco Really Burned? By KR (hee Continenta! Trouting The Extension of Local Government in Ireland | by Piio-Ceit Mrs. Dymond. Chapters XXVII—XXXI. By Mra Ritente (Mise lhackeray Tarentem MACMILLAN & ©O., LONDON GTAMMERERS ‘and STUTTERERS written by Mr B. Bea-cer who CURED Hi mai LF. after suffering tor more than Tasert Year Green Bank Hous Mall Green, near Kirm — am. Pree for is stam . Showld read a little t DRESS FABRICS AT FIRST COST! —BRADFORD MANUFACTURING COMPANY, BRADFORD, YORKSHIRE, Wool Disgomal Stripes, and many others too num to mention , all un- + qu lied for price and quality. Tas Laaouer Sroce » rer Kixceom Carricge paid to any part of the Kivgdom on all orders over £1 in value. Highest Awerd ot the Health Exhibition. Write at once, sad mention “ Punch.” Wansiwe.—As a security to the Public, every article and Wwegth of material sent trom the B. M. Co. will bear ther wee eee Regie ered Trade Mark. a“ Giri at the L MELLOR'S SAUCE °. VIDAL PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocroper 10, 1885. The “ Sweet when the Morn is grey, “Four Seasons,” cjmeugny” Lunch; and at close of Day Possibiy sweetest.”” A sweet Tobacco of the highest class, excellent either in Pipe or Cigarette. Manufactured In Bond by W. D. & H. O. WILLS. (Calverley) BONUS YEAR—1885. WON-FORFEITABLE POLICKS. LOW PREMIUMS COMPLETE SECURITY, BONUS APPLIED TO MAKE HOWARD'S PARQY FLOOR COVERINGS IMPERISHABLE AND _ ECONOMICAL 26, BERNERS STREET ¥W OXFORD.-MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST & FIRST-CLASS HOTELS ONOMICAL IN THE KINGDy LIFTONVILLE Horm ar ae eee te he Bea-( escent. Te nea pe re The Assets exceed ff POLICIES PAYABLE DURING LIFE | =e Edinburgh (Head Office 19 Georce Sr. Light % ahayMillions) a London: 82 King William St. Ec. and € Pa » Craig's Court w. : rlasgew: 64 St Vio ent St ublin: 3 Dame St. or j me , a J 7 ~ E x — LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY, |: emt x Densints on oe setion! Profan BUNTER’ S 2 atees permanent relief by painless constricti n of ESTABLISHED 1825. | the ne on in decayed teeth, forms a compete stop- BONUS YEAR 1885 ping, and renders extraction unnecessary. B From Kev. Acsarr C. Paice, B.A, late Fellow of New College, Oxford, Minister of Immanuel Church >" West Brixton, 5.W., August 2), 16% | Owing to extensive decay in two double teeth, | | suffered for days excruciating 7 I was recom mended te try KUNTER'S NEKVINE. I did so T n joy, the pai quickly and aay ceased 5 have see eopeass ay Coats ed the greate>t po sible relief, in seve ura adache ~ om four to f ropes BUNTER'B NERVINE, taken upon | a lump of white sugar.” Of ali Chemists. ls. 14. and 2s NERVINE. “A Pe rheet Fi sette in Ten Minutes EDINBURGH, 3, George St. (Head Office) HINDE’ S Hair Curling Pins LONDON, =, King William Street, E.C. | Paovt ~ 7 ’ Pall Mall East, 8. W. a DUBLIN, - U pper Sackville Street. Daasce Oorvess a®D Acenctes 1 Inpisa and THE CoLon tgs. Accumulated Fund, ‘papiaip Apeauje snuog 6: Millions Sterling. ‘SUG SUOITTTW 1¢ Sure: and much more effective than curl direct Mesers. Hixon's London Sample | Room, ls. City Road, #1 Wholesale of Messrs. Hixps, Birmingham and London BEWARE of knavish :mitations, which are abso- lutely useless frauds. Vendors will be rigorously prosecute GOLD MEDALS—DUBLIN, 1882; BOSTON, 1883; LONDON (INT. EXHIBITION), 1884 ’ SIR JAMES MURRAY'S FOR ACIDITY INDIGESTION HEAKTBURN | GRAVEL, AND GOUT FLUID MAGNESIA. The Saeenter’y Pure Original | le. Hotties alm sos Geuiae wand daa. Bre James cnt & Sox, Temple Street, Dubiia ASSURANCE Compan Head OrFices LONDON « ABERDEEN Ss. per doz., 60s. per 100, Packing and Carriage Free & THESE WORLD - FAMED PAIL ro GIVE tax GREATEST SATIS? DESCHIE TEV! LISTS of above an In consequence of complaints! persons victimised by having less Colourable Imitations upon them, Messrs. ROSES Well rooted, many shooted, tru vigorous growth, and of the best kinds Dutq rhea. mo ie. be ROSES CASS six@udaz & RICHARD SMITH & Ct WORCESTER MADDOCK’S OLD ENGLISH men WATER ral DEBENHAM & FREEBOOL 3 fro palm 2 MEDALS ORWICKS BAKING POWDER TRY & PUDL a vo CONDY é 1 Makers CONDY’S FLUID, bez ' purchasers to k ok for the their Firm on the labels Sre.— ( yn my Metropolitan, ] nearer three, ] | | for th ye mode: eat + to find, iz | off wd me the 5 from the first by ld relief a | tt the top of | fami har to Li commissioned ' | 9 View (that is, as ing his ga at Drury Lane cessful Huma played nightls been quite suf —as to “* over: So, after s which was for theatres,—nar and, of all pla across anythi “the best of 1 I had not + Voices” of A. voices, and s¢ not seen The Excelswr at I Lamb, wants when the ever Parson Hes 80, will the G A Shoot Toole’s, is nh piece and its Mr. Comy I must defer paragraphs, sf be —— bro t fis thing a ti ee Tot. tar

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seein Octoser 10, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 169 — SUPER-HUMAN NATURE. Sra, On my return to town, not having been inside a theatre, Metropolitan, Provineial, or Continental, for the last two months— nearer three, I fancy—I carefully searched the newspaper columns for those modest Theatrical Advertisements, which are always so diffi- ealt to find, in order to ascertain what entertainment was likely to afford me the greatest amount of intellectual recreation. thered from the first announcement which stood at the top of a column, in | stu! bold relief against the white background as the figure of Neisow © the om of his column stands out against the clear blue sky so familiar to Londoners, that one of your own young men had been commissioned to report on Messrs, Hanats and Perrirr’s melodrama - View (that is, as much as anyone will obtain) of Mr. Neville modestly mount- ing his gallant steed in the presence of the Military Mushrooms. at Drury Lane, and was quoted as saying that ‘‘ The deservedly suc- cessful Human Nature, the best of modern melodramas, is being played nightly to overflowing audiences.” This opinion would have been quite sufficient to decide my choice, but the statement of fact —as to “ overflowing audiences ’—made me hesitate. 80, after sliding down this column, and arriving at its base, which was formed of four solid Advertisements from four different theatres,—namely, the Grand at Islington, the Surrey, the Standard, and, of all places, the Theatre Royal, Brighton,—I had not yet come across anything which could divert me from my purpose of seeing “the best of modern melodramas.” I had not visited the Covent Garden Concerts to hear the “‘ Fusrie Vowes” of A. Crowe—Crows are not generally associated with fairy voices, and so this would be a novelty; a propos of Novelty, I had not seen The Japs; nor, in Rostend. had I seen the great ballet Excelsior at Her Majesty’s, which the Rev. Mr. Heaptam, or Head lamb, wants his Head Shepherd, the Bishop of London, to witness, when the event might be thus poetically recorded :— The shades of night were falling fast, When out from beth Palace passed A Bishop. looking clean and nice, Who cried, I’m off where there ’s no vice, “* Excelsior!” Parson HeapLam wants his Bishop to visit also the Alhambra. If %, will the Great Macpermorrt sing that jovial ditty, the chorus of which ends with, ‘* Out of the Gladstone bag?” Perhaps, if it has n recently withdrawn, he might consent to do so, at the Rev. Mr. Heap- Lam’s special request. The Vicar of Wakefield at the Lyceum I[ saw when it first came out, so for The Mikado at the Savoy, The Private Sec- retary at the Globe, and The Magistrate in his own Court, four theatres doing so well as to able to dispense, to a cer- ' tain extent, with the aid A Shooting Party at Drury Lane. of newspaper advertise- Toole’s. j \ ments. On ’Change, at a 2 4 not quite unknown to me, as I remember the German ~~ and its American r. Comyxs Caxr’s new play at the Haymarket, Dark Days, 1 must defer till November, as being som te keeping with that month, and then, below this advertisement, I came upon eight * about Hoodman Blind at the Princess's Theatre. is brought out in my absence (which sounds as if my permis- be|I have my doubts as to which the Manager thinks it worth his while to publish, and the critics worth theirs to write. ** As a picturesque and romantic Actor, Mr. Wirtsow Barrett has now no rival,” says the autocrat ‘‘C. S.” in the Jiustrated London News. How pleased Mr. W. B. must be to read this, and how nice of “C. 8.” to put aside all comparison! “ His acting rose to the altitude of genius,” shouts the critic of the Observer, and then falls | back in his chair and faints, overcome by the bare recollection of the genius of Mr. Wutson Barrett. ‘ And equally notable,” insists the critic of the Standard, not to be outdone force which sends im a way ahead of all his fellow critics,“ the infinite pathos of his treatment of the erippled child.” ‘“*‘ Infinite pathos!” of genius,” which was as high as the writer in manage to place him. Hamlet speaks of Yorick as “ a fellow of infinite jest ;” but this is quite another matter. What does this Standard writer mean ? Does he think that “infinite” means no more n * utmost,” and that “pathos” is a synonym for “‘tenderness”? I would not suppose for an instant that he could be guilty of using “* pathos” for ‘‘ passion,” in the sense of “ suffering” coupled with the epithet “infinite,” but will take it as, if he means anything at all, he wishes the Public to that in this scene Mr. Wiis0n Baxxett is a man of infinite ‘‘ vehemence,” or of infinite ‘* warmth,” or of infinite ‘ passion,” or of infinite “ affection of mind,” or of infinite ‘energy,’ or of infinite ‘‘ capability for exciting the passions,” —my authority for these interpretations being Dr. Jonnson. Were Mr. Witsow Barrett, as a matter of fact not by hyperbole, any one of these, he would then be what Jeames de la Pluche wasin Mary Hann’s opinion when she saw him “ drest in full uniform on the day of the levy,” and exclaimed, ‘‘ Ho, Jeames! you are no longer mor- tial, you are diwine!” So Mary Hann, witnessing Mr. WiLson Baxketr’s performance in this particular scexe, and writing “ subsquintly” to the Standard, would have said, “ Mortial man never hacted so bewtifle as he did., Ho! wot hinfinnit paythus! He were no longer mortial he were diwine.” No! I felt I was not worthy to contemplate the perform- ance of the object of the Standard critic’s adora- tion, the Transcendental Being, capable of ‘‘ infinite pathos!” So, Sir, I joined the overflowers at Drury e, and am much of your young man’s opinion with regard to the piece called Human Nature. I am bound, however, to say that I think the hero a prig, a swaggerer, and a cad,—butthenit is Human Nature to be inconsistent. Miss Emmeline Ormsby, emancipated from the Roman- tie Drama at the Princess's, enjoys herself immensely. This is to raise Witsow Barnett far above *‘ the altitude the Observer could — the = , but who : on 7 oe oo —- No one could possibly imagine from their “make up ” that these are two villains. | Thank ness, Human “P - Nature to care for Law occasionally, and obey it. | I consider the virtuous husband Mardyke very hardly used by the Authors Messrs. Hannis and Perritt,as he must be hung for shouting | his wife, “‘ extenuating circumstances” not being admissible in this | country. The Trafalgar Square crowd is & masterpiece «f stage- management, the scenic changes are highly ingenious and « ffective, the First Act is cepitally constructed, and the acting of the two children, Frank oa" Dick (Miss Macp Fisnen and Mies Karix ton first to have been obtained), and not having heard any- thing about it, I thought I would read the “ Opinions of the Press,” Banrey), is about as good as itcan be. It was during their perform- Tot. tara: LA? & Qa

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a OcTOBER ] ———— am aptichge eC m r i PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. Seceien caer ee | Mine, the true Old Original Gingham, the Giant (y Lettuce, the ’ Brella. | Not Grapstine hisself, nor that “ Primrose,” nor ay | sich bragian young fella, | Can match it in shape, size, or colour, in power of thump or of thrust, Its ferrule, which never gits blunted, its ribs, whic ’ave never gone bust. aes Woorroo! How I long for the momenk when Ginghwy to Gingham we meet ; When, ribless, and pintless, ard knobless, I see it lay flop at my feet, Asprawl like a bust-up balloon, all bedraggled and dirty and damp, That Lord Rosgsery’s ‘‘ Grand Old Umbrella” smashej up by the true Sarngy Gamp ! THE COST OF A SIXPENNY TELEGRAM. £44 To sending a Telegram of twelve words. . 0 0 § tepeating same (half price) ° ° >. 10 68 Messenger to inquire at Local Office . . 0) 2 Return Message, necessitating Cab . 04 Commissionnaire to St. Martin’s-le-Grand . 0 1 9 4 f Cab fare (with waits) . ‘ ° ‘ >. = Cab toa Solicitor . ; : ; é a Consultation . ‘ : : F ; - O11 Cab to General Post Office . . ° Messenger to Stock Exchange Cab to Solicitor ‘ é . ° Consultation . ‘ ° . ° Counsel’s Opinion . ° ‘ ° ° Incidental Expenses ‘ Cab to Station. ° ° ° Special Train . ° ° : Return Train (ordinary). ° ° , Estimated loss by misunderstanding of ori- ginal Message . . ‘ ‘ a Postage, Messengers, &c. ° ° e“"5 AN INQUIRING MIND. Total . 1387 11 1! “Is Tats ovr Trarx, Auxry!” **Waose TRAIN 1s IT!” ance that I saw what your young man meant by “‘ overflowing audiences.” The SONG OF THE SIGNALMAN. audience overflowed again when little Dick died, and even I wiped away a tear m : : from my opera-glass and blew my nose loudly. I had a warm heart and a bad Atrn— The Young May Moon. cold that night, and when a scene of almost “* infinite pathos” presents itself, | Tue rain through the night is streaming, love, am but Yours truly, Sorr Nrsss. The signal lamps are gleaming, love, —————— Maes keep = the move, am . , ' ' . . Or this somnolent cove THE RIVAL UMBRELLAS. Would soon be asleep and a-dreaming, love! Mas. Gamp’s Counrer-Maniresto. Sarrey loquitur :— So awake !—the Express is in sight, my dear, ' “ae ctiieae a 4 1’ve been at it since dawning of light, my dear, Dat that Rosepery’s imperence, I says—a intriguing, Paul-Prying young fella, For ene of the ware With his rubbidge and roundaboutation consarnin’ the Grand Old Umbrella! By which Railwaydom pays, Wich there ain’t ony one, and that’s Sarrey’s, did ought to be called by that name, Is to keep us at work day and night, my dear! And to take it in wain, like he’s doin’, ’s a sin and a scandaludge shame ! , ('mbrella indeed! Why old Sarrey, for many and manya year, _ You, and most people, now are sleeping, ~ Has borne hern aloft, and its flouridge has filled England’s foemen with fear. But my watch, in my box, I am keeping, love, And now they would set up a rival, a bage imitashun no doubt, For the red or green star ong 0’ } : q I must note from afar, Along o’ that GLapsrine, whose gingham we all on us hoped was wore out Though the sleep ’neath my eyelids is creeping, love But it seems as he’s got it re-covered, patched up, I persume, once again. I’ve been working since rise of sun, my dear, ‘Cos his lot is all out in the cold, and a chelter require from the rain. Fourteen hours, and I’m not yet done, my dear. And so the ramshackle old brolly is histed above ’em once more, Oh. to watch day and night — _ And they ’re runnin’ like rats to a ’aystack away from the pelt and the pour. For the signal light remmariond Yah! ’Brellas is ’Brellas, and Sarrey’s is puffick from ferrule to knob, Is—Directors think—capital fun, my dear! Walks Abr Wich its ribs is as good for a “‘ whack” as its pint for a “‘ prod” or a “‘ job ;” Oh, many ’s the heads it has walloped, and many’s the ribs it has dug ! Whilst as shelter for me and my Party, wot can be more ’andy and snug ? SOMETHING TO READ. As a sword or a buckler for Beney it flamed in the front of the fight. _ iis pnoune its true Se his curls Thr ery ee Sy Sa set a cole. And now, even now—you arsk CaurcHiLt!—that ’Brella is well to the front, ; / , A refuge in momenks of peril, a wepping in battle’s wust brunt. eer cousin Hawest a men 2 a otis ie ese, And yet is young RoseBery wenters—a nasty, howdashus young Earl !— anand “he essed a hose and a garden-roller after 8 The ed A newfangled rival to Sarrey'’s Great Gingham to raige and unfurl. broiling summer-time—and The London Stock Exchangs up Princip Gr-r-r! next he will borrer my pattens, claim them for GLapstiNG, no doubt! by Henry Mar—his “quotations” being specially im | the delectat But the Country won't be so deceived, as knows fur too well wot it’s about. resting—are views From Three Platforms, by Hoo. BY That Umbrella will be a Big Failure! Old Sarrey is cocksure of that, B. Baerr, M.P., Epwanp Dicey, and Henk Le | Though Rosesery cling to its ’andle, and Harcovrr’s new Radical hat, cuere, M.P., which are well worth reading, especially, All shiny, seek shelter beneath it; though Goscew and CHamBeRLine jine as may be imagined, the last. , ; be | To praise it, the thing ’s a Sham-Abram, and simply not in it with Mine! Mr. Lasovcnerr’s ideal foreign policy Aone several pleasantly written and instructin articles in the Fortnightly for the month, such as Ch#? Mr. Lap

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‘ummarised in the following parapl rase of “ title, though rather misleadi Whene’er I talk of things abroad, This is my policee, If I don’t interfere with them, they won't with me. ts and cognate questions. Mr. Lanovcarne calls his article The Promised Land—a good ng title for those who expected it would Peearvellous dressing with which Cardinal Newman has served ap fincipal FarkearRw on toast in this month's Contemporary, for delectation of the Public, is as perfect as was t he sauce which against him by Princi Review, that hencefort principled UnFarrparey.” NEwMayN. (2)—Lorp Ippesteren promises a “‘ Policy of Inquiry.” He will probably find that a policy which is all question will not answer. Whene'’er I take my His Eminence used for cooking Mr. GLapstonr’s goose, Vaticanism, and, years ago, for dishing Canon Kinosiey. So unjust and so reck- less has the Cardinal proved the charges to be which were brought yal Farnparen in the May Number of thir the latter had better be re-entitled * Un- All the same, the Contemporary ought to be very grateful to ‘‘ Unprincipled UnFarmnarnn” for having succeeded, quand méme, in “drawing” Jouw Hewny, Cardina)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ee {Ocrosmr 10, 1885,

—_——

A SHORT HOLIDAY CRUISE. Excursion to Staffa and Tona—The Breakfast—The Islands—The Care—The Process—Sufferings —-The Return—General Satis- faction Prospects. Arrea hearing Forp-Bamty's statement of all the dangers atten- | dant upon landing at Staffa and Iona—([if F.-B. had been one of Witttam the Conqueror’s advisers, latter would never have at- tempted to invade England|]—on retiring to my berth, I consult Vurray's Guide, and after a little time, so fall of horrors is this work, with special reference to the Atlantic Ocean where we shal! be in. | weruracisr Stuffer and I own ’er. | to-morrow, that I close the book under the impression that the traveller who did this journey for Muxray must have been | a grim humorist. However, we are ing, and to-morrow morning we shall be ranked among the Excursionists. While trying to re- member whether Woxpswortn'’s Ezcursion was an account of a cheap trip to the Lake District or not, I fall asleep. The Day.—Up early. Steward uncommonly sprightly at 6 a.m. Evidently the prospect of getting rid of us for a a day’s Excur- sion is a pleasing one. Shakepearian Mem.—* Alarums and Excursions.” Ah! he was | not for an age, but for all time, including 6 a.m. | Everybody takes a -< something that cheers, but does not inebriate, which would awkward at the commencement of our “outing.” We embark in the gig. Why called “‘ gig” I have never yet been informed. Which the name first, the boat, or the one- horse vehicle? Nobody in the gig can me. MELLEVILLE is steering for some which he can't see, and has what the novelists call ‘’ a strange far-off look in his eyes.”” He may pussibly be conscious of my question, but he doesn’t reply to . I remember that I must not speak to the man at the wheel. Com: , CULLING, is cold, and in a “‘don’t-care” sortof humour ; while Forp-Bamty tries to look as if he knew all about the origin of the term “‘ gig,” but I am convineed he doesn’t, and, from the expression of his countenance I teel sure he is making a mental note to look up the subject, and add to his stock of nautical information on the very first available opportanity. Ve are rowed ashore and land ; and then we step along the mucky road way —this part at Oban is invariably mucky—and go on board the Chervaher. Though it is the close of the excursionist season, the steamboat is fairly crowded. With horror I see a German band on the quay approaching us. They are ing their instruments of torture ; but, thank Heaven! they give preference to another excursionist steamer, going in quite a different direction from ours. It says much for the liberality, or the indifference, of the High- landers, that they, who have their own beloved pi and their own beautifal melodies (how were these ever emnender tes pipes only f) should tolerate the presence of Musicians. Forp-BaMLY comes up oa. * Fine day,” he observes, ‘‘ but blowing outside.” Where did expect it to blow? “I doubt whether landing at Fingal’s Cave will be safe to-day. Pity,” he adds, if we can’t get in, as you've never seen it—and it is worth seeing.” * Beastly hungry!” exclaims Cuiiiws, shrugging his shoulders, and stamping, to get warm. Itis an interesting psychological study to note how the lower nature tyrannises even over genius. Would an inspiration be of any possible use to the Composer at this present moment 1 will try the experiment. I tell him what great things I expect fom Staffa eae! tom pens fe Se Semitiene caves, to the home of the wild sea-bi to melod mighty ocean, and | ask him if he mam L beautiful ipti and when suddenly a bell rings—** Breakfast, by Jove!” shouts the Composer, and in another second he is inextricably mixed up with a crowd of famishing Excursionists, al) struggling to be first down the com- panion and in at the commencement of the Scotch breakfast, for — i ies the Chevalier is celebrated, and, I may here add, justly oele bra too.

It is simply astonishing what early rising, Scotch marine, quite ultra-marine, at for a man who ‘as a rule never takes breakfast.” The Composer and Forp-Bawzy are, so to speak, professional breakfast-eaters, and therefore, give, such exhilarating and stimulating circumstances, there is ; wonderful in their feats of appetite, though there is in it s ; of the awful and alarming. But when our host Metreviriz ~ myself, whose ordinary breakfast in town is a cup of something—tea or cocoa-nibs—and a piece of dry toast, at an early hour—say cight— and then nothing until twelve, when comes the dijebner a la four. chette which will stand a fair comparison with an English lune [ say when a couple of middle-aged gentlemen, whose regular rule of quiet morning life is as just stated, find themselves at 8°30 a.m. on board a Seotch steamer, sitting down with a crowd of ravenous Exeur- sionists, and enjoying a meal consisting of two kinds of fish, broiled ham and eggs, chops and Worcester sauce, muffine, hot buttered cakes, oat-cakes and marmalade, taking all these in the order as I have set them down, and as they were set down before us by the waiters, with the accompaniments of tea and coffee, and not subsequent} suffering any inconvenience, but, on the contrary, experiencing such | a feeling of tranquil satisfaction as makes the enjoyment of a pipe in | the open air the temporary realisation of a sort of natural beatitude | which knows no regrets for the past, and only hopes, according to the | trade formula, ‘‘ for a continuance of the present esteemed favours,” then it is evident that a new existence has opened out for these two men, who up to that moment may not have considered life so very | much worth living, or at all events could have anticipated that this sort | of living was worth remaining alive for. Now, after this marvellous | breakfast, where all but the tea and coffee is excellent, there is, as | the Composer justly and sensibly puts it, something yet left to live | for, and that is—luncheon ! So we sit on deck, and placidly examine the scenery which is all | familiar to us from point to point. The day continues fine, the breeze | is light; the Chevalier, actuated by the cow associated | with the title, stops for a minute at every desolate-looking landing | place, in case there should be any solitaries, who, tired of their seclu- | sion, might like to avail themselves of this unexampled opportunity of getting away from themselves, and joining the society of their | fellow men and women. But there are none; the desolate landing- | places look more and more desolate as we approach them, and in one or two instances, assume an aspect so dreary and forbidding, that the few ngers who had got their luggage ready packed | and » Saal grog some invisible Inn in these outlandish parts, | think better of their intention of disembarking, and prevent their boxes being taken on shore, preferring to throw in their lot with the happy Excursionists on board the Chevaher and the 8 which | the Chevalier has provided, to encountering the awfu — which must evidently overcome the friendless stranger landing on | that sad shore. There is one exception: a very young man, in 4| tourist suit, with a Tam O'Shanter cap, a thick stick, two big port- | manteaus, a hat-box (why a tall hat 7), overcoat, waterproof, and rugs. | He steps on to the landing-stage—I forget its name—his luggage | is beside him; there is no one to receive him, there is n0 hotel in sight, no human being, nor living creature, visible for miles, except the aged weather-beaten old man in charge of the landing- | stage. The youthful exile casts a curious glance around. We se him, as the Chevalier casts off and hurries away, regarding wu wistfully ; we see him (now through glasses) address the old man, but the old man only shakes his head sal disappears into his hut on that desolate landing-stage. Thenthe last glimpse we get of this young man —a much sadder, a much wiser, and a much older young man within the last few minutes—is that he sits down on one of his portmanteaus in a hopeless attitude, and so remains until he fades away and becomes part of the ol distance. Perhaps when we are out of sight he will put on his tall hat by way of something to do. Poor young man ! Tobermory passed, and now, to the Composer and myself, the scene is very soon quite new. In another five minutes we shall have turned the corner, and be in the broad Atlantic, with nothing between us and America. CuLLins, quoting Murray's information, informs me that here the traveller will “probably experience, for the first time, the Atlantic swell ’’—or words to that effect. Forp-Bamty explains that | an Atlantic swell is a sort of a peculiar roll of the big ocean wave— | but that to-day it is his opinion, as an old salt, that it won't be much. | Although I am not quite certain as to what he means by “ much, yet this opinion, coming from Forp-BamLy, so far reassures me, i can contemplate turning round the corner and coming on to the broad Atlantic suddenly, with comparative equanimity. Here we are. Atlantic swellimperceptible. Beautiful September summer day. Sun comes out uncommonly . Excursionists beg pointing out to one another Staffa and Iona in the far distance. As® rule, the person who has been there before, and knows all about it, oints out Staffa as Iona, and Iona as Staffa, finally admitting that 1e is not certain, and that, on the whole, he does not think thst those two islands, which we can just see with the naked eye in the eae oe om, Northern can

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Bos eo Ss I @ 7 aS F a ’ — SS SE se6igs*. Fee se & ASE se Te SSB See aS ee sere rr eeree GS ts S&S Se FF a Ooroser 10, 1886.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 173 offing, are Staffa and Iona at all. Then, in spite of all the pictures. photographs, histories, and guide-books on board, the Well-inf Person tinds himself beset by the fo questions :— @Are Staffa and lona together? If not, how far apart? To whom do they belong ? Where is Fingal’s Cave? Who was Fingal? Was he a poet ? or agiant ? or a hermit? orasaint? ora robber? Didn't | he write prophecies in ancient Gaelic? If not, whodid? Hadn’t Fingal something to do'with Ossian? The Well-informed Person—there is always one of these ior beings on board—shows a disposition to answer the first few interrogatories in such a manner as to ins confidence, and at once finds himself lecturing a small crowd of | earnest inquirers, until, on the arrival of the at the promised land, he is suddenly superseded and snuffed out Oy the Professional Guide, to whom is intrusted the task of personally conducting the visitors. From the moment of his abandonment by the fickle crowd, the Well-informed Person stands apart, with an expression of super- cilious scorn for the Guide, and of pity for the people, who are evidently, in his opinion, being misled and mis-instructed. , Staffz.—Landing in boats: on the basaltic rocks. Rocks chipped ap into neatly eut black blocks, as if the Val de Travers Co. had taken a contract for laying down an asphalte pavement, and had already ent a heap of material, and left it there. Here we go, all the Excursionists in a line, young men and maidens, children, fat old women, thin old women, with the Chevalier’s Guides, dressed like stewards, to direct our steps, doing the whole distance under a broiling sun and against time, with the oppressive consciousness that the Chevalier, in spite of all his politeness, won’t wait luncheon for anybody, but will sit down one o'clock punctually. Hurry along—push on—keep your eyes on the rocks to prevent stumbling— a few falls—up again—on we go—everybody very hot—no rest to | stop and admire—for fear of being left behind—here, round to the | right, Fingal’s Cave—“Isthis.. 7”... Yes—— | The Composer pauses at the entrance—he is enraptured—“ Is this | indeed Fingal’s ?”—but the voice of the Guide interrupts. ** Pass | on, please—pass on!” And then voices from behind, ** Now, then, | Sir, get on,sdo, or let them come as wants to,”—and the Composer, | just on the verge of a glorious inspiration, is hustled along, and lost | to my view as I am shoved aside by one of the stout, sweltering old | ladies, carrying a basket and a big umbrella, who, after nearly | knocking me off the rocks and sending me anyhow into the deep sea at the entrance of Fingal’s Cave, begs m on, and bustles on. | Yes. Fingal’s Cave is b & pic up the Composer a little | further on, and we have a few seconds’ quiet to admire the view of the | Ocean as seen from the Cave. Yes, it is grand—but—“ Pass along, | please—time’s up!’? We’re the last. Where’s Forp-Bamiy?’ | Where’s Metievrtre? Gone back? Yes, very beautiful—should like to see it quietly—but get on—up here—down there—round corner—look, the boats are going— how they crowd them—’tisn’t safe— | “Now then, Gentlemen, come on! ”—and blundering over the rocks, | stumbling into small pools, clutching at sharp edges, and stepping | cleverly down into deceptive hollows which are only receptacles for | sea-water, we fall at last into stalwart sailors’ arms, are stowed away in the broad-beamed boats anyhow, packed closely shoulder to shoulder, umbrellas and legs and sticks all mixed up painfully together, and so we remain tightly wetget in, and hopelessly pro- testing against eve ing and everybody, until we are ually ae again, and able to stretch our limbs on the deck of the evaler, |. Then we draw a long breath, and the Composer looks at me and I | look at the Composer, and we both exclaim, “‘ Well, anyhow we’ve | seen Staffa and Fingal’s Cave.” And we agree that, in consequence | of high anticipations on the strength of photographs, we are decidedly | disappointed, and consider that Fingal, whoever he was, might have | done much better. Forp-Bamiy and MELLEVILLE, to whom the | show is familiar, haye merely strolled about the rocks for the sake | of improving their appetites. Luncheon, which is not quite up to the breakfast mark, and then we arrive at lona. Jona.—Much the same performance again. Boats crowded with Exeursionists, as if we were being taken in batches to be sold for slaves. We are assisted out, and with difficulty recover the use of | our legs on the slippery stepping-stones. Guides ready to receive us. Little ragged children selling necklaces of shells, and shells of all sorts and sizes; also flowers and ferns. One Guide leads the way, another acts as whipper-in, and brings up the stragglers sharply. Here is the Nannery of St. Columba (who was she ? - an ancestress of VoLomBvs ?)— ruins —last of the Prioresses, or last of the Priors of a monastery in 1400, Then the Excursionists, ’specially some of the wacdling Exeursionists who can’t keep pace with the Guide but want to have all they can for their money, interrogate one another anxiously—‘‘ Indeed ? Very curious?” ‘ What's he say?” ‘Last of the who?” Priors—ah! we’re the pryers now—and as I do not want to be hurried, and have quite lost echt of the rest of my party, [ am quite ** the last of the pryers” myself. Animated, or rather sooth by mixed feelings of sentiment, reverence, and indigestion after lunch, I am li over the Prior’s grave; but the Whip- “and keep up with the Guide.” I obey him sullenly, as slave moves on under the lash of the driver. Then we round the Graves of the Kings, as if for a funeral service, while the Chief Guide tells us, as fast as he can, how many Kings of Scotland and Chieftains occupy the small enclosure of thirty eight, which we are now examining. An American Young Lady is very much interested. She stops the Guide as he is moving o rapidly, and says, ‘* See here! if all the Kings and Chieftains were buried in this place, what was WaLLAce about all the time?” She evidently thinks that WaLtace ought to have prevented this. The Guide, rather staggered, repeats her question, but is unable to give any answer to satisfy the fair American. And he can’t shake her off, though he walks on faster than ever; and after each description, which he gives as rapidly as possible, he bolts to another part of the ruin, in order to avoid her questioning. ‘See here——” she commences again, but the Guide is not to be caught. There is a Runic Cross with an inscription, and something built by St. Martin of Tours,—prophetically appropriate, for surely he, ‘‘ St. Martin of Jours,” must be the patron Saint of Messrs. Coox & Co. and of all personally well-conducted Tourists. Now the show is over, and it is time for us to stream back again, stumbling over the ruins, picking our way acroes the fields, and once more on the dusty road leading to the shore, where the children, becoming desperate at having done but a pn day’s work in shells ferns, and flowers, waylay us furiously with their commodities, an vainly attempt to extort coppers. Then once more we are huddled into the boats, squeezed in shapelessly anyhow, and delivered com- pressed, but safe and sound, to our old friend the Cheralier. Steam a off again. Lovely afternoon: perfect evening. Back to Oban. Boat’s crew waiting. Once more in the gig hy ig f) and at 7.30 we are enjoying an excellent dinner, on board. ankful to get back once more to our comfortable floating home, we dedicate our first glass of Pommery '74 to the health of Staffa, Iona, and Fingal. After dioner we discuss our next move, which is to go far oe the home of the Sea Lions, and beard them, like oysters, in their dens. IN MEMORIAM. Anthony Ashley Cooper, Earl of Shaftesbury. Born, Apnit 28, 1801. Diep, Ocroner 1, 1885. Is life worth living? Who will dare to ask, Remembering thy nobly rounded task Large-hearted Earl, whose lengthened track of years, Death-shadowed now amidst a — tears, : a smiles like pees setts dark ways? ¢aven’s approval an people’s praise, Poverty’s este , and the joy sublime Of ministry that lifts the curse of crime, If these avail to dower our days with worth, How happy was thy life, who wealth and birth Mad’st not a perch for pleasure, pride, pretence, But vantage ground for high beneficence ! Friend of the fallen, helper of the poor, The poor shall see, the fallen hear no more That kindly presence, that inspiring voice. As in thy life their thousands did rejoice, So at thy death they grieve. Those toilers grey, Who find so little sun on life’s hard way, Those helpless thralls of trade, whese spirits feel The long relentless grinding of the wheel, Those all unchildlike children, victims smal! Of modern Molochs, all who creep or fall On poverty’s rough road, or crime’s steep slope, Will miss the presence of incarnate hope, In the Good Earl. Yet has their champion left Bequests of which they shall not be bereft, And legacies of help, in softened law, And guardian edict ; so that Mammon’s maw Crushes them not quite we as of old. There be his monuments! His heart is cold Who reads unmoved the roll of that long life, With nought but suffering and wrong at strife, Or marks without a touch of tearfal mist, The passing of the great Philanthropist. Scmmary or Mr. Coampertarn’s Views ow Lawn Mowicirati- sation, UP To Date.—Allotment—and little explained. per-in won't have it. “You’d better go on,” he says, sternly, | and Tue Reat “ Brrrer” Cuy or Lonpon.—The demand for Bass Allsopp. Ne renee EE me ng

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octoser 10, 1886, Fiows ALonG THe Eastern Coast GOLF-STREAM (Vide Report of British Assoc'ation— Section V.) oF SCOTLAND DURING Tak SuMMER AND AUTUMN, THE OPEN DOOR! Tarver, stern restraint on Freedom jars ; We have no fondness, even at need, For those stone walls and iron bars Which form no part of freemen’s creed. But that’s a creed that’s shaped for men, Not human-vi beasts of prey ; For these the and the den, Not mastery of the public way. Who rails at bonds? The vicious brute Whose yearning is to tear and rend! Free teeth, free claws shall doubtless suit The wolf who’d as Freedom’s friend. Grim cruelty must bide the cage Though loud its thousand throats may roar, For tigerish hate and wolfish rage There cannot be an open door. The bolt is loosed, the bar is dropped, For sullen silence reigned within, Daunted by chains the brute had stopp-d Its ramping fierce, its furious din. Throw wide the gate! And what avails ? The captive is unchanged of mood, And its first step beyond the pales Means angry menace, thirst of blood. No ; sweet is freedom, and to bind, For freemen, an unwelcome task ; But what is it that hides behind The shelter of that cunning mask ” Red savagery, whose cruel glee Gloats o'er the evil power it craves. When Tyranny alone is free Where is there safety—save for slaves ? SHOWING THEIR HANDS. Dr. Pooat, in the Paris Figaro, undertakes | the divination of the characters, peclitical and otherwise, of the French Candidates, from their hand-writing. Why this is worse than thought-reading. How would | some of our Candidates, such as Sir J. C. | Lawrence in North Lambeth, who haughtily | decline to submit their claims to avy other | arbitrament than that of the poll, like this preliminary test applied to them? If the| ery were ‘’ Hands round,” in this sense, | —se es y Seger might, perhaps, get rid ** (money and baggage,” of uninvited | Candidates, who, like the Old Man of the | Sea, are more tenacious than welc»me, more bumptious than well-beloved. | A Questionable Convert. | Jowes, staying where the country beer is bad, | Deelares he has been driven to adoption Of Wicrer Lawson's last teetotal fad, That is, the principle of Local Hop-shun ! | “waPpPy THOUGHT!” Mr. Gladstone (on the Sirpenny Telegram). ‘Only twelve words, includiny address. That’s really very cheap. I'll send sll my Midlo- thian Addresses by telegram!” (Chuckles, and sits down to write fresh Address.) | Messrs. Nisper & Co. announce, among their new works, ‘‘ Four Centuries of Silence, hy the Rev. R. A. Reprorp.” Yes, but why break it now f | CANZONET BY THE CHANCELLOR. (Arn—‘“' A Landlady in France.”) Now I think I’ve done the trick, As the Yankees say, right slick, Done it quite pretty considerable tar- nation 0! Tn our small affair with Spain, By contriving to obtain . His good Holiness the Popr’s kind me- diation 0! Should his Holiness decide In our favour, Spanish pride Will have not the slightest cause to be offended 0! If his voice the Spaniards gain, __ — then shake — with 8 ~ ' our trumpery dispute wi well- ended 0! For the Carolines I care Not a fig, a straw, a hair; oe oe ’Tis no question of a valuable dominion 0! Fit to make a fuss about ; I shall quietly back out, ne Without prejudice in popular opinion 0 ' Then I compliment the Pore; And the Catholics, [hope, _ Will accept the timely olive-branch | tender 0! So that Wurprnorst and the rest Will be favourably imprest, ; And their services politically render 0! To Canossa I should go, People prophesied ; but no! a I have travelled in a different direction 0! I have only gone to Yap, Which I care for not a rap, _—" And I calculate my policy ’s perfection 0!

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— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroner 10, 1885. THE OPEN DOOR!

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} | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL 177 Ocrosger 10, 1885.) YOLIGHTLY BROTHERS, Srocx ( I BROKERS, UY OR SELL with an inclusive Com- B mission of 1—26th, and open any Stock, no matter how shaky, on receipt of | | per cent. cover. | ¢¥ OLIGHTLY BROTHERS have just ( inaugurated their new West Ead and City Offices, that have been arranged so that they will be found replete with every | convenience and allurement for the Intend- ing ¢ oy Forty a rooms _ nished with Superior Lounges, approache by Lifts, and supplied with all the leadin Stock and Share Journals in the Uni Kingdom. A staff of polished and experi- | enced Clerks, who have special facilities for acquiring information as to the fluctuation |of the Money Market from a Cabinet Minister kept permanently on the premises for the purpose, are in continual attendance to give advice to Speculators. Champagne on the premises for the convenience of Country Customers. Tape laid on to any distance, in any quantity. rs ( YOLIGHTLY BROTHERS will be pleased to forward, gratis, their Opinion on the probable movements of the Mexican Market to anyone who will read it. TTVHERE IS NOW A STOCK that should be utilised for the purpose of taking immediate advantage of the public, who will be induced to hope to get out of it handsome profits. Messrs. GoLicHTLy have been studying this stock, and the more they look at it the more they like it, and so they suggest that the sooner intending subscri- bers forward their cheques, the sooner will they be able to operate to their advantage. That enormous fortunes have been made by simply watching the movements of one Stock is testified to by the fact that a real live Nobleman, who has retired in conse- eee of a successful operation in this | | irection, is to be seen any day at their | offices, happy to furnish chapter and verse, to vouch for the truth of his experiences. ‘OLIGHTLY BROTHERS advised | " posthese of New Granada Cents at | 694, ‘ hey have since been as low as 32, coming a loss of £296, including a cover of £15, YOLIGHTLY BROTHERS advised \A purchase of South Pacifics at 724. They are now quoted at 16, involving a loss of £427, together with acover of £20. ( 1OLIGHTLY BROTHERS, Srockx a Brokers, > PACKWELUS SYNDICATES, ']\HESE MENTS, worked on an entirely new plan, continue to give unbounded satisfac- tion and surprise to hopeful subscribers. T IS CALCULATED that not less than A 475 per cent. invested will be realised, so that £5 will command £700 Se 1400 | Fate Ae 7000 ee te 14,000 T],HESE FIGURES, which will soon be verified by a reference to our books, *peak for themselves, and serve to show In- tending Customers how carefully their inte- rests will be guarded by Messrs. PackweLt. Shares must be paid for in full on application. PACKWELL'S SYNDICATES. REMARKABLE INVEST- | t upon the capital | j OUR ADVERTISERS. Srocx-Jossmne, Specutative, Frvanorar, &c. Qouanum SHARPE, w ——— AND SHARE BROKER, og Uae SHARPE’S hw W EST BROMPTON AND MILE END EXCHANGES. ppt SHARPE is prepared to hk) open accounts, with or without cover, with everybody and anybody, on the slight- est provocation. _- CLERGYMEN, | ‘etemeieneriis ORPHANS, ( YONFIDING WIDOWS, and J ‘PECULATIVE HALF-PAY OFFI- N CERS, are invited to inspect ‘QUARUM SHARPE'S SELF -SUP- K) PORTING INVESTMENT CIRCU- LAR, which will show them at a glance how, with a little ready money, they can, with unbounded confidence, dispose of it irrevocably to somebody’s immediate advan- tage, and in fact enable a more fortunate ** Operator” to realise 4" VEN IN ONE AFTERNOON all the As advantages of A COLOSSAL FORTUNE. ‘QUARUM SHARPE, Srockproxenr. His system. The Lothbury Gazette says :—‘‘ We have recently had experience of Mr. Suanpe’s method of proceeding, and can only describe it as marvellously inge- nious. By a judicious insertion of adver- tisement he attracts a certain number of confiding country and other clients, who, greedy of realising fictitious profits them- selves, hand over to him their cheques for a one or two per cent. ‘cover,’ as the case may be. There is a fall in the special Stock or Stocks ‘ operated upon,’ and the result is that the cover at once disappears, and in a short time, though their places are soon filled by other eager votaries, Mr. Suarpe’s confiding country clients as well.” WV ONACOS.—Sqvarum Sarre has con- Pp fidently recommended a plunge into these elastic securities for the fall with the best results. His clients have been fairly warned off them for good. QUARUM SHARPE points out that his system of operating on his clients has been pursued by him with the greatest suc- cess, a success which dozens of threatening letters received by him daily, and that can be seen at his office, corroborate and establish. YQUARUM SHARPE does not recom- }) mend caution. YQUARUM SHARPE does not advise circumspection. Sl rae SHARPE counsels all his clients to treat Investment as if it were nothing more or less than A GAME OF BLIND HOOKEY. Y OUNDER ADVICE than this was never given to fluttering operators. Squak- uM SHarpe does not nneee , yap a surprise in € transaction, but we ma safely ict that a strict adherence to hip methods and advice will, in the long run, lead the speculator to experience astonish- ment even amazement. | J ERRYWEATHER & Co., large-hearted : i, philanthropic Steck and Share rokers. ERRY WEATHER & Co., though they e ave never operated with a less profit on the month’s transactions than 195 per cent., have no wish to keep the benefit of their successful negotiations for themselves, but are anxious, on the contrary, to secure this handsome profit solely for the good of their clients. ERRYWEATHER & Co. are contented e therefore to pocket a mere nominal commission, together with the amount of cover on each operation. ERRYWEATHER & Co., Large- ey hearted and Philanthropic Stock and Share Brokers. ERRYWEATHER & Co, have hun- e dreds of testimonials from Peers of the Realm, Archbishops, Members of Par- liament, and Professional Celebrities, hear- tily thanking them for their disinterested financial aid and assistance, and they strongly advise their intending clients not to wait, but to forward their cheques for cover from £10 to £500 without delay, when they will forthwith commence operations on their behalf. ERRYWEATHER & Co. submit ex- e tract from Civil Service Chronicle :— ** Those who wish to part quietly with their money cannot do better than entrust it to the judicious manipulation of Messrs, Jzn- RYWEATHER.”’ | peepee GRABBINGTON, YRANK GRABBINGTON’S New and Unique System of rapidly acquiring a Large Fortune. | oe = GRABBINGTON’S _Discre- tionary Investment Circular should be read by hesitating Operators. He says: ( WING TO EXCEPTIONAL ADVAN- TAGES I enjoy of being behind the Ministerial scenes, and having direct tele- — communication with the leading tatesmen of Europe, I am in a position to advise my clients in the selection of such Central American Stocks, the slightest move- ment of which will fairly startle them. ( PTIONS. I do not recommend these. Experience has proved that when Clients have nooption whatever in the matter of; Investment, the highest and most sur- prising results are invariably achieved. I EALISING.—Clients should not allow themselves to be deterred from fur- jelly cag om by realising thoroughly how they have been already done. I strongly advise against this. — ; 8, . upons ques, Ready Money, a Postage Stamps or anything negotiable, and is prepared to deal with them, or with any of his country Clients by telegraph, or attend them at their own residences at tape prices. 4 RANK GRABBINGTON’S _Discre- et ey lerca achange says it: —** We can conceive no readier method of enabling nervous een ors to divest themselves of their li savings, than by taking the Discretionary ange recom - mended by this artful paper. Mr. Frawx Grapsinoton is evidently determined not to be outdone by his compeers.” receives sta Sie ll RNR ih»

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Octoser 10, 1886, INTERIORS AND ER No. 21. wat \\ no—4) \f{ \ ¥ | a Rae yy ‘ We AN THE Granvitte Express! A rallying ery to “ Stars” the whole town over, For which of the host knows not that boast of the‘ London, Chatham and Dover” ? And which of the (human) Wandering Stars that peregrinate our planet Bat nom one again by that rattling train seeks health, and a host, in anet Thanet and THwatos are sworn foes. (No, Baron, that does not signify A Thanet ‘oss, of the “‘ Cat’s-meat” strain. Your perfect ‘ seat might dignify Even that withng-chaffed old steed. The superflux residual Of Mutter (Joe) forms the stock, you know, of many a dull individual. ) Where ae | they ‘off to, all these “Stars” on Victoria's platform crus hing ? Oh, some are in search of old Thanet’s health-flash, and some of the route by Flushing. Little cs on recks Chairman Forpes; you see him midmost the piatiorm, Comming a i all the Company’s friends will quite readily recognise that form There ’s Captain Goppotp at his sinister elbow—no sinister meaning in ** sinister ” !— As Continental Traffic Manager, the Public’s assiduous minister. To Gopson’s left, and the gazer’s right Our Editor is meeting From Samsourye, of Townley le,a right baronial cresting. “ Follow the Baron!” A ‘old tip which he seems to be end And which, in sooth, to tle guests will scarce need m enforcing ; But if it did, close behind his gracious (hdtelaine standeth, And who is the churl of so crusty soul as demur when she com- mandeth ? GRANVILLE EXPRESS. ’Twixt Baron and Editor Canrvuar stands. Is the good Archbishop | musing That sometimes policy and good sense combine in calm refusing Of ad captandum hot appeals from sentiment plus sensation ? Behind, ineffable Harcourt beams, complacency’s consummation. Mowtacu WILtraMs, barrister, of the dulcet vocal organ, Laan renee and GopBOLD ‘stands, next that affable Sec. JonN | Behind them wi Cuartre” WrnpHAM swells the ranks of holiday- lanners, | With Ex. Chief-Constructor Sir E. J. Reep, and Postmaster, [cr | Joun Manners, Next Forses’s hat whose nose is that ? verily, Chief Magistrate of Bow Street, he. Behind him lounges cheerily Board of Works “ Bertie,” A. B. Mirror. Striding along ut- swerving , Ploes-ges on nose comes Stagedom’s pride, much-worshipped HENRY RVING, ; Usheaes “‘Jounny’s” shout; ’tis Toore who from the window eth Tis Sir James Iyonam’s His famous but myopic chum, and to arrest him faileth. |“ Lat” Broven stands gazing at the “Star,” Mrs. Joun Woop, whose laugh is | Infectious, near, whilst Eowarp Lawson, of the Daily Telegraph, i Forth from the carriage-window, close behind them, keenly glancing = s a porter, laden with some canvasses, advancing W. Q. Oncnarpson, R.A., of Rag my me ! ren rather How many ‘‘ Stars” seek Thanet’s of circling farther. And where may healthier air be feet, iiee s fever to diminish, | Its fag to lessen or——but here this doggerel guide must finish ! ———

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Octosen 10, 1885.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 179 PROPHETIC! The “* Rolling Grounds” off Harwich, Passenger (testily, but faintly). “‘Ta’ ’em ’way. Be ory! Tet ver ’po’ wan’ su!” Kindly Steward (soothingly). ‘‘ Ayz-8, ayE, Bo’, BUT YEAOU WILL DEW B'M-BYE!” “* Go, live, poor wanderer of the wood and field ! SENTIMENTAL HUMANITY. Zhe Litter little thet of raed =p the t verdant plains Tue St, James's Gazette, last Wednesday, quoted ‘‘ Humanirr's” To theo chal hee pt ae guste yield. P letter to the Zimes, telling how its writer had seen the bird-and-cage Seek, mangled wretch, some place of wonted rest, trick at a Music Hall, and that it involved the death of a bird every No more of rest, but now thy dying bed !”’ time it was performed. Sothe St. James’s thought that the Society | When Mr. ‘‘ Homanrry” has dealt with the “ Sport” provided by for Prevention, &e., ought to look in occasionally at the Music Halls. | the owners of large preserves, and with the selfish amusement of the Now, in the same column of the same number, a little higher up, Wanton Waltonian, then it will be time enough to consider whether was a paragraph about M. Emrie Zora, in his early struggling days, | the instantaneous annihilation of a bird, as a trick which forms part living near a house-top, where he caught sparrows in a trap and lived | of » Con juror's stock-in-trade whereby he earns his livelihood, is an onthem. Further, the St. James’s Gazette remarked that the sparrow, | act of wanton cruelty, or indeed cruelty at all. | ‘carefully cooked, is a delicate morsel, and probably quite as nutri-/ By the way, there is just the bare possibility that the author of the tious as the lark or the quail.” _ . . |letter to the Times signing himself ** Humayiry,” might have been _ Good! But as it was no crime in M. Zoxa to live on sparrows, why | an opposition Professional Conjuror, who had been outdone in this is ita crime in the Conjuror to live on canaries, especially if the | yery hird-and- trick. the ve canary, carefully cooked, be little inferior to sparrow, lark, or quail’) Since writin above, we have just seen the answers to “‘ Huma- Perhaps the Conjuror does’ eat them’ for supper: and if, as ** Hv-| wiry,” and we also been informed on unexceptionable authority, mayitY ” reckoned, he performs the trick four times a night, then he that any bird used for this trick, properly and skilfully performed, has four canaries for supper. Where’s the harm? Except to those ji, neither killed nor injured, nor any more alarmed than a canary who are of opinion that no singing-bird ought to be killed for food; | when its cage is cleaned, or when a covering is drawn over it at in which case how about the larks that at Heaven's gate sing ? | roosting-time. But we should much like to know, as to Mr. Humanrry who wrote that letter about the Conjuror’s bird to the Times last Wednesday, dows he ever eat fi fish ? Is he fond of lobsters f oes he ike crimped | By « Blandford Blue. salmon ? Does he know that the salmon is sliced while alive? and is rat, at Blandford, blandly tries to butter it not probable that the desth-struggles of the big salmon, which Ne ee ies Gait may be protracted for a considerable time, are a fitter subject for As“ bosh,” aside, and, Middlewich-like, mutter the interference of the Society for the Prevention, &c. (if this Society ? ior Dossit !” pl puteree in such matters as these) than the instantaneous Inferior s eath of a sparrow or canary P _ The bird is not butehered to make a Roman holiday, but killed} “ Srzence 1s Gotpen.”—Mr. Rican Proctor has written a Paper instantaneously to make a Showman’s livelihood. Ut this is no|on the “ Language of Whist.” Surely, according to Mrs. Barrie excuse for causing the death of a sparrow or canary, how much less | and ‘‘ the rigour of the game,” the only language of Whist should excuse is there for the Angler who exposes the salmon to lengthened | be—‘* Whist !’ : ; torture nag draws out, and for the Sportaman who wounds his birds; “Srzecu 1s Sirvern.”—No, it is copper: being a halfpenny a or mangles his ground game. word by telegram.

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Octoper 10, 1885, IlIl.—FROM A RECLUSE. Huwarden Castile, Monday. EAR Topsy, Havine accomplished the public duty of setting forth, I hope not too briefly, my views on the political questions of the day, I feel myself at liberty to turn to the more attractive duty— or shail I say pleasure ?—of acknowledging the receipt of your kind note. I.—My Heatra. I am thankful to say that the general state of my health is more satisfactory than it was before I set out on a recent sea-voyage. At the same time there remains the inconvenience and discomfort attendant upon the absence of ease in the movement of the vocal organs, which makes publie speaking a little more diffi- cult than, I own, I have found it in times past. Just before leaving the Sunbeam I took an opportunity of testing the advances made towards restoration of this important “an. Br-ss-y secured the attendance of the mariners on what is, | believe, called the quarter-deck, though, as far as I could see, no partition had taken place in this part of the ship. Il.—A Drrricutry Overcome. There was a little difficulty at first, for it appears that there is a growing disposition among the crews of yachts to resent participation in services on deck, unless it be regarded from a financial point of view as overtime. Bxr-ss-y, who I must say spares no expense to secure the comfort of his guests, said that would be all right. So I made my speech, and the sailors got their overtime allowance, a combination of cireumstances which suffused a glow of geniality over the proceedings, and we parted mutually pleased. IIl.—I xeer my Eve open. In obedience to instructions from my medical men, I occupy myself down here with as little labour as I find possible. I read up, as =f every morning « certain portion of my speeches, so as to be ready to correct any misrepresenta- tions, wilful or undesigned. I apply the axe to the root of an occasional tree. I write a good many letters, and read any Blue Books that may have escaped my attention during the stress of the Session. But, above all, I keep my eye open and watch with interest events as they develop themselves and progress in the political world. I observe that my young friend—if I may call him so—R-yp-Lru is still in Scotland, and I am pleased to observe that though the state of his health is not such as is absolutely satisfactory to his friends, he has roused him- self to receive Sir Fr-p-k-ck R-s-RTs in order to talk matters over with him vious to the General’s departure to assume the direction of military affairs in India. This must be a great advantage to Sir Fr-p-k-cx, who will doubtless receive with the respect due to them any hints that Lord R-wp-Lpu may give | him upon the disposition of our military forces in India. H-rt-xert-y, I note, | has gratefully retired into private life after contributing to political discussion n weighty speech. H-xc-rt, too, has momentarily withdrawn from the scene. I’mafraid, as compared with his successes in the former campaiga, his speech has fallen a little flat. IV.—Mr. Cu-MB-RL-N. This brings me to Ca-mB-RL-x, whose course I have watched with keenest interest. He seems to have made up his mind to outstrip me on a course I had marked as my own. I went to Scotland to deliver a series of speeches, and thither Cu-mp-ri-nw has repaired, as Sir P-r-, L-msp-y did to London. He is hailed with enthusiasm | by the population, as I was, and, as happened to me, he finds opportunity of keeping up the excitement along the railway line by delivering political speeches in matter- of-fact railway stations. V.—ReErFLections upon THE Last Paracrapn. This is a very bold game played with courage, direct- ness of p se, fertility of resource, and hitherto with success. question whether, when he first set forth on his campaign, he intended, or was prepared to go the length which now seems to him easily reached. But en- couraged by the evident approval of the ace, he has set before his eyes a definite goal, and will I believe reach it. He will not supersede me, but he will succeed me, VI.—Nor Gone Yer. It would, however, be a fatal error to su that | am yet out of the way. I am comparatively young in | years. Iam positively strong in y and mind, and | daresay you will understand me if I say that the spectacle | of CH-MB-RL-N going about the country drawing crowds | after him and concentrating on himself the attention of the political world has revived in me a strong hankering to be at it again. VII.—A Secret Pray. Of course any proposal for another Midlothian Cam- paign would be opposed by home influences. These I am prepared, if necessary, to circumvent. I shall leave the Castle disguised as a delegate from a Liberal Association, shall keep up my incognito as far as Carlisle, shall there address the station-master, and porters, and thence work my way to Midlothian, where I shall make the welkin ring, and let whomsoever it may concern know that they cannot yet reckon without me. But this is for the resent a secret which I commend to your faithful Gente, and remain, Yours faithfully. W. E. Gt-pst-ye, To Tosy, M.P., The Kennel, Barks. VIII.— Postscript. How do you like this division of a letter into what might be called particles or paragraphs ? I invented it for my Manifesto, so that for small appetites it might be taken in moderate doses. PRovERBIAL PHiLosopHy FoR LORD CARNARVON.— | “* Fine words butter no Parnells.” TOPICS OF THE DAY. By Dumb Crambo Junior. The Mussulman Party and The Caroline Difficulty. the Balance of Power. Attitude of ‘‘ Serve yer!" Movement in Greece @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. —€ T Fitted Water fe Tempera of Da. I Sea Wat Electric, Reading, of a Fire —— PALATABI A POSIT LIVER, | ‘lhe bes ive told by Bacvcas nf

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Ocrozzr 10, 1885. Temperate Baths and Douches sa of = EMOND, Principal Physician at Mont Dore, Auvergne. Sea Water pumped up from the Sea, including luxurious Turkish Baths, Needle, Wave, Spine, and other Douches ; Electric, and other Medicinal Baths. Visitors not requiring Medicinal treatment received as Residents. Reading, Billiard, Smoking, and Ball Rooms. For Tariff and Full Particulars, apply to the Manager, 4 First-class Continental Hotel. Hydraulic Lifts. THE MONT DORE, BOURNEMOUTH. RESIDENTIAL AND BATH ESTABLISHMENT. Fitted with every convenience and luxury, and complete with all the necessaries requisite for “THE MONT DORE CURE.” Comprising Mont Dore Water for Drinking, Halls for Inhalation of Vapour and Pulverised Water, and for Nasal and Throat Irrigations. Vapour Baths, Jouches. Hot and plied with Mont Dore Water imported from the Springs at Auvergne, France, and under the personal supervision Also extensive arrangement of both for general and Medical treatment, supplied with Vapour, Hot, Temperate, Pine 120 Bedrooms, Sitting Rooms, Dining, Drawi Table d’Héte, Lawn Tennis Courts, Gardens, and every convenience and advantag: THOS. TUCKER, Mont Dore, Bournemouth. THE Mont DorE OMNIBUS MEETS ALL TRAINS AT THE East AND WeEsT STATIONS, —_—_——— THE ONLY PALATABLE NATURAL APERIENT WATER. A POSITIVE CURE FOR STOMACH, LIVER, AND KIDNEY AFFECTIONS. lie best household remedy and specific for CONSTIPATION. t. with Testimonials, post free. told by Chemists, ls. 6d. and 2s. per bottle. Mecvtar Birren Waren Company, Limited, %, Snow Hill, London, E.C, rect Pion ‘he piste i name. and — wholesome BV fs ‘by Dr. Hassall, Dr. t” i Of Urocers, && WS! uristiz’s, Milton Street, E.C. aie EMULSION OF PURE COD LIVER OIL lod Bypophesphites of Lime and Soda 8 AS PALATABLE AS MILK. we 6 ane ee oe Liver Oil, in addition to the excellent tonio tod strengthening properties of the Hypo- phosphites, it is THE BEST REMKOY IN EXISTENCE roR THE CUBE OF sy ion, Scrofula and Scrofa- sie Sa — b+ a bs Colds, Bronchitis and Bheumatism. SEMI OR COMPLETE BALDNESS. mall Invisible Additions fo r thin Partings, to brush in with wearer's own Hair. Covertxes ror Bato Patcuss on Gary Heaps send for [ilustrated Cata- logue, post ~— on appli- ane CHAS. B “ND & SON, 546, OXPOKD stiReetT LONDON, W. Specialists also for Cover- ings for Gentiemen’s Bald jead-. ginen mR —ROBARE'S AUREOLINE ¢ beautiful Golden Colour so much vee ; Warran ted perteetiz harmiess. Price tothe K | principal Perfumers and —_ mot bre gh Jat the World. Agents, KR. Hovew- wo fons, 21 and 32 i, Kerners Street, London, W. THE NORMAL DIURETIC APERIENT S. & H. HARRIS’S STABLE REQUISITES. WATERPROOF HARNESS COMPOSITION. JET BLACK OIL. _ FOR HARE HARNESS. SADDLE PASTE (WATERPROOP). WATERPROOF BI BLACKING. HARNESS, AND AL *eL Ae © LEATHER ARTICLES POLISHING PASTE. FOR CLEANING METALS POUCH BLACKING Geld by ali Gaddlers, Grocers, and Ironmongers. Manefactery 57, MANGELL STREET, LONDON, &. NEAVE'S (“:::") FOOD. “Very Digestible—Nutritious—Palatable —Batisf ying— Excellent in Quality — Per- fectly free | from Grit—Requires neither oly my Made in a minute.” Vide Medical Jowrnal, 4 HAN NBURYS’ malate FOOD For INFANTS and INVALIDS. A highly-concentrated and self-digesting nutriment for young children; supplying all that is reqnired for the formation of flesh bone in a partially soluble easily assimilable form, It also affords a sustaining and healthful dict for Invalids, and those of a dyspeptix |"THE RESILIENT” BRACE GOLD MEDAL, ANTWERP, 1685. TADDY & CO., Lonpon. * WELL OF IPS TADS oe PS THE “You SHouip Try THEIR, vere Grove,” DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY or rae STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. Act Cwenmists GOLDEN BRONZE HAIR— By page sf nuance hatain Foneee air of any pan by uang ARINE. eres only . * WINTER, 672, 0xford St., London. Price 5s. 64., Ws. 6d.,2is. For tinting grey or faded Hair BRINE | is invaluable. CBRANIAUERIE SPONTEDPENG the points being tn bya ow Parnowmep ay H.R.H. Parcess oF Waces. SOVEREIGN DRESS FABRICS AT WAREHOUSE PRICES! Ladies are respectfully invited to write fo beautiful Collection of Patterns of SOVEREION DRESS FABRICS for this season's wear, including all the Newest Materials in the Fashionable Shades and Mixtures, at roe Se sult every purse. PAT- TERNS POST- BLANKETS & FLANNELS AT WAREHOUSE PRICES! Patterns of all kinds and qualities of Plain and Fancy Fiannels forwarded free toany address. Price Lists of Blankets on application. All parcels car riage paid to = address in Great Brita: n and Ire- land. When writing please mention ‘ Puwcu,”’ and be sure to address your ic tter or post-card as follows: JOHN CHAMBERLAIN, DRESS AND FLANNEL WAREHOUSE, STRETFORD HOAD, MANCHESTER. TAMAR INDIEN CRILLON. A laxative and refreshing Fruit Lozenge ror CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Headache, Loews of Appetite, Cerebral Congestion Prepared by E. GRILLON, ©, QUEEN STREET, CITY, LONDON Tamar is agreeable to take, and never produces irritation, nor interferes with business or pleasure, Sold by all Chemists and Druggists. 2s. 64. a box, stamp inciuded DINNER, va. AND PASSENGER L| CLARK, BUNNETT & CO., ITED, Rathbone Piece, W., a ®, King St., London, B.C, PRosr ECTUSES FREE REVOLVING STEEL SHUTTERS, z paeei |t OR A MALTED INFANTS FOOD THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS process Yrize Medals award. 4 . — ox, 64, of any Stationcr, oF sem ps to C. baawvaven & Co.'s Pen W orks, Birmingham. 7. Tins, 6d., Is., 28., 6s, & 10s. S.TO.V.E S. TERRA-OOTTA! PORTABLE. FOR COAL! Rosertss Parert. Pure and am aple heat 24 hours or longer { r about Id. without attention Pr Kedrooms, Greenho eave, &c., &@c. VPamphiet and Suthenticnted testimoniais rent, In use dally, at Patentee’s, T HOMAS ROBERTS 112, Vreronsa Or Iy row vue to be Well, ano uncer Wer yeedily cures A idity Flatulence, He burn BRACC’ S Impure Breath Indie os thon, Ac It destroys « Gisease germs, and from VEGETABLE ite purifying action ix absorbing al) impurities in the stomach and CHARCOAL bowels, gives a healthy tone to the whole syste Wards off all attacks of CHOLERA, TYPHOID, and all MALIGNANT FEVERS. 2s., 4s., and 6s. per bottle, of all Chemists EPPS’S CRATEFUL— COMFORTING. COCOA. “FOR THE BLOOD 18 THE LIFS.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. Is warranted to cleanse the blood from ali impurities from whatever cause arising. Por Scrofula, scurvy Fores of ai] kinds, Bkin and biiood Diseases, its effects are marvellous, Thousands of Testimonials from « rts. In bottles 2. Od. cach, and in ca-es of ox mes the quantity, lls. each, of ali Chemists, Bent for 23 or 198 stomps, by Tux Livcoum any Miptas Countizs’ Dave Courant, Lincoln HIGHEST, AWARD as HEALTH| EXHIB" 1884,

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocrosmn 10, 1885. ‘h

=

99 Fs: The ROMP ASSIS 2. is ae ee. oe mae om a, 500, tyes becoming a c ever eee Gove helen, and Ona Ladies’ Indo Socn neh enietieieoes tele touchy Pubete wil nes beam: hewn T 088 t wel! - the name “ NONPARELL,” for it has no equal im grace and bessiy & i FAST PILE-—FAST DYE at The finer qualitics are equal in appearance, and wor betser a> than the very best Lyons Silk Velvetrend cos cost onl uarter ‘ of the price. Can be purchased of all leadin, ——, in all Quali ae lacks, 28 from 2s. to Gs. per yard; Coiours, from 6d, to Ga, 6d o. yard, Every 22 yard is stamped on the back “ NONPAREIL,” to protect the blic from frau 4 ne ‘ 7 v deeuruaA™T CGITATY YY NDOINY 4 an r 1} WHAT SHALL I DRINK 2a ; 4 The Lawce?t sore We have subjected the samples of tre OB 5 ‘ Lime Fruit Jaice’ of the Monteerrat Company to full avaiysis, » ( with « view te test its quality and purity, We have found itto 915 in sound condi tion, and ENIIRELY FREE FROM ADUL- 9/6 TERATION, and we counsel the public to dr.nk it in preierence 9/5 \ te amy form of aleohol 42 Qo ; ; z 4 } if LIME-PRUIT ij _ , 4 it JUICE & i we » if CORDIALS. jf vor of ut that 2 ever ultere man others by the cnae With whieh Ws ean be digested and absorbed. 3 , must be fastidious indeed who is not 2 janes an + vious ‘attempt ta thie disection. We on ; i satisfied ww3th it, 4 given it in very many cases with the most marked benefit.—it $ a> - 7 “Reports by tus Lawcer and other leading Medical Journals : (4 ; ed m pany each tim 4? a a a pr . Fou 1D ts sold by Chemists, &c.. in TINS, at ls. 6d., CD : f } By Special Royal Appointment. > ¢ z ; SPEARMAN'S PURE WOOL Pa oO 4 ’ 4 } -) is oer: A SPECIALTY FOR THE SKIN & COMPLEXION, x a ew Autumn ‘§ ror THE ‘J 5 D VO Noe tent } ivan | aroun Li- 3 mar cM Oe EXION. = eames 2 e = ow y 4 _—_S = 7) ; es bdelz — QW) Wave =1 Pro. SIR ERASMUS WILSON, R.S, Be ; , According to the Queen, S E RG ES ‘ , Late Pres. of the Royal Col. of Surgeors, London. & 7 “It has no rival.” Nothing udds * to personal appearance as a BRIGHT, CLEAR COM- fics 4 y 1 i P 4 Thousands of Customers testify that no other article woven : PLEXION ANDO = "SOFT SKI With these the piainest features become #Re*) > equals this in general utility. For Ladies’ Dresses, beautiful quali ' attractive. W ut them the handsomest are but coldly impressive. joke ties, ls. 6d. to 4s. Od. the yard. For Childrens wear, capitaily Many a complexion is marred by impure alkaline ana Colored Toilet Soap ap ; etre . « Vs a = a the 2 avd. i. ov | any . wen r double ; $ ‘ e 4 lacks om nat » Hing On secnips of inetonetions Seeaphis rill be 4 & P oont POST FREE N.M.—Ans length cut, and Carriage Paid to 4 P Le A R S S O A P © ‘ 4 tinew atau alhons pe or & aie wove eyuau us 4 pe a Se my Stat No oth ke o eg u Is specially prepared for the de “tt skin of a and pamee and other sensitive to 2 the weather, winter or mmer t is pre eminently the complexi Soap, and is recom } GPEARMAN & GPEARMAN, Plymouth. ; mended by ‘all the best authorities, as on account of ite emollient, nom-irritant character, Mis Only Ad4reas NO AGENTS 7 REoncss, ROUGHNESS. AND CHAPPING ARE PREVENTED, a PLLPAAAL ALLL LLLP Pad 9 AND A LEAR AND BRIGHT APPEARANCE AND A SOFT, = va Unie Work conta ning Pr vactionl meeps Sxigtan Recipes 4 for Tasty lates fo the in on" thd Sapper > od eam ‘ : J ‘ :

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PEARS #S0OAR SOAP SARS: S PUBLISHED ‘ANIMAL LIFE on THE FARM, [ericuitural Department, Privy Council Office, —being the Eighth & concluding Volume in the “HANDBOOK OF THE FARM SERIES,” ts at press, and will be heeatante so in arcana 2/6. (secs: teax:t& Aen 4 ES VOLUME EIGHTY - NINE. —s— z o : - OCTOBER 17, a wee TSA Ty oY 1885 PU LS bY OL eh A . Ne PUNE MH VOL. Ri rays Ny Oy, Sil) tie “ee i sy" Cait PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AFD SOLD BY ALL SOOKSELLERS. Natural Dietetu Table A bo pints ara “SONSd SB3SYARL BOI “vegns alone among \

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Ocronzr 17, 1885. ‘HUCH GONWAY. Feap. tre. One ®hil ine Post, ls 24 THE LAST COMPLETED NOVELETTE no. com CONWAY, NEVER BEFORE PUBLISH Con. SISTING OF OnE Ley atatad STOR “ SLINGS AND ARROWS,” ARROWSMITH'S OQHRISTMAS ANNUAL for 1885. 100 00 iesued “ DARK DAYS.” The Novelette by Hoon Conwar from which the Drama now being performed at the Haymarket Theetre, is taker One Shilling The first 6 Vols of AKKOWSMITH 'S BRISTOL LIBRARY are: Called Back. Py Huon Cowwar Brown Eyes. By Mav Caomwetee Derk Days. By Hoon Cowwar nster, MP. hy Bir B. J. Reno, MP. ort The Red Cardinal. Ky Feawors Ecciot The Tinted Veaus. Hy PF. Awerer Hristo 1 W. Ansoweurre London: Srmram, Manenace & ( And Kaeilway Kooksta le WwW. M. THACKERAY'S HITHERTO UNCOLLECTED WRITINGS. Volumes 25 and 3% of the Stanoane Eorrion of the COMPLETE WORKS OF W. THACKERAY. Now ready. Volame @. With Iustrations by the Author Large 8vo, le. 6d. MISCELLANEOUS ESSAYS, SKETCHES, AND REVIEWS. * * The oe mtents of thie Volume have not hitherto ted ben included among Mr. Thackeray's coll works They consist chiefly of contributions to itnes written when he was between twenty ex and t ty five years of age, together with a few ecattered pa * belonging to « later period of his ie Itie? eved that the Volume, and a Volume yet to be issued, contain all Mr Thackeray's early writings which have not from their slight and ephemeral nature lost all Interest from the mere lapse of time Vol. %, completing the “@raxvaac Porrion,” will be published in November London: Surrn, Evoen, & Co., 6, Waterioo Place NEW VOLUME OF THE DICTIONARY OF NATIONAL BIOGRAPHY Now read price Ife 64. in cloth; or in half morocco, marbled edges, its., Volume IV. (Beal to Biber), royal §vo, of the Piction ARY OF NATIONAL BI ERATE. Edited by Lastis Sreraen ** Volume V. w be published on January |, 1488, and the Bubs sequent Volumes at Intervals of Three Months London: furre, F ® & Co., 15, Waterioo Place. NEW NOVEL BY W. BE. NORRIS At all the Libraries, in 3 vols, post Svo, 4 DRIAWN VIDAL Hy W. B. Nonam, Author of “ No New Thing,” “ Mademoiselle de Mersac,” “ Matrimony,” & andon: Sucrn, Buoen, & Co, 16, Waterloo Place RUDDER GRANGE. Ry F BR. STOCKTON. ls “A delightfu! story, sparkling with wit and humour.” BKdin.: Dave Dovetas, and at all Booksellers and Bookstalis Pornensess aT THE Hen Maseery NAUTILUS GRATE. oneer Aw ‘Tes MEALTHERIES The NAUTILUS per fectiy warms the Apart t throughout, with minimam of Fuel aad te Always cheer ful and ciean vm Write for a Catalogue ’ MORSON F PREPARATIONS OF Highly recommended PEPSINE. } M4 the | a Pro- and be) INDIGESTION, oy Learners be ta —— ; Globules, 2s., Se. G¢., and Ge, 64. and Powder, Chemists $ ten Hetties, atés. each. Sold by pecine toe Pepsine bas acquired as almost a chronic dys in indigestion, &c., is to the Mict that it io the nearest possi bie pro pm tion of the active principle of the af tho geatete juice of the stomach. Unfo donately, like al ail other mven tions of » like nature, hepsine has been not slightly Giscredited by the spurious manufactures that have — issued from time to tume, it is therefore neces sary, a6 © guarantee of ite efficacy, to see that each bottle bears the pokes sname, KSON « SON, bouthampton Row, Russell Square, London. MELLOR’S SAUCE CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 82 PRIZE MEDALS. ANNUAL CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS 25,000,000 lbs. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. SEASONABLE DELICACY.—WITH STEWED FRUIT; BROWN & sya CORN FLOUR AS BLAN ICBANGE, CUSTARD, OR BAKED PUDDING, Nors.—Unlike many other Corn Flours, this bears the name of ite Manufacturers, who offer the guarantee of their long-established reputation for its uniformly superior quality. ‘SAMUEL BROTHERS respectfully invite = applications for > PATTERNS of their NEW MATE- RIALS for the Present Season. These are for- warded post free, together with the ILLUSTRATED PRICE LIST, con- taining 250 En- gravings, illustra- ting the most becoming and fashionable styles of Costume for the wear of Gentle- men, Youths, Boys, “Eton” Suit, and Ladies, SAMUEL BROTHERS, MEKCHANT TAILORS, OUTFITTERS, 4&c., | 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpon, E.C. | ‘No more Sore or Poisoned Fingers. SEWING AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE WITH A, A.'s New Patent Rubber-Lined Thimbles. Ladies will welcome in these Thimbies a much-needed inven- tion, and recognise in them an indispensabie ally. They give complete and unfailing satisfac- tion to all who have purchased re and very bumerous unso cited testimonials and opinions ek, & Ly Ca “ pe a WHITE ROSE. a most delicate odour. FRANGIPANN 1, an eternal perfume. MAGNOLIA, natural as the Bower. OPOPONAX a more ~—- se gold. VIOLET and ORANGE, for Weddings. / K158-ME- QUICK, always sweet. ee 2 GOLD MEDAL, ANTWERP, 1885. TADDY & CO., Lonoon. oo. or 175% TADOYS grirrs Ang All, THe, Por.» 0% er Jove pnp Tg re of leading fashion journals show that they meet with unqualified approval. They do away with the discolouring and poisoning of the finger caused by common meta! Thimbies, the pinching of the latter and also | iver ones, and the ep oy oe necessity of con- tnua!ly wetting the to keep themon. Price each, Post Free. Very best quality Silver | Thimbies, rudber- lined (suitable for presentation) — (J | 20 id each, Post Free. Ask your Draper, Ha | d@asher, or Jeweller to procure them for you, or write direct, inclosing stamps, to “You SxHouLp TR Th El R | P. A. Ansews, 107, 108, Gt. Charles St. Birmingham yee = STOVES. TERRA-COTTA! PORTABLE. FOR COAL! Ropeats's Parsst. Pure and ample heat 24 hours CRATEFUL—COMFORTINC. . 5 = or longer for about id. without attention. For | Hedrooms, Greenhouses, &c., &c. Pamphiet and | patented testimonials sent. In use daily, at Patentee’s, T. ROBERTS, 112, Vicronsta Sr., 5.W. mpor = the Plenta tions of that name most wholesome of spirits.”"—Vide Reports by Dr ° Hassall, Dr. Please Of Grocers, &c., and Cuntwwriz's, Milton Street, B.C CLUB EASY CHAIRS DIVANS. MANUFACTURED By HOWARD & Sony 26, BERNERS STREET, W DESIGNS ON APPLIC ATION OXFORD.—MITRE HOTEL ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMIc4: FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE KINGdog CLIFTONVILLE Hot HOTHL, near MARGATE. On the High ( and close to the Bea-Crescent. Terms {or a ment of New Season, Half-a-Gai Dag, including a 3s. Bed-room, Attends Board. LEWIS5 Jerr | Resident Managing Directer ROSES Well rooted, many shooted, truly named, of matunt vigorous growth, and of the best kinds Buta Ss. per doz., 60s, per 100, Standards, iss. per dx, 106s. per 100. Packing and Carriage Pree for (aa with Order THESE WORLD-FAMED ROSES CANNOT PAIL ro GIVE raz GREATEST SATISPACTION, DESCRIPTIVE LISTS of above and following te on —- t—Fruit Trees, Evergreens, Flowe- ing Shrubs (8s. per dos.), Clematis (12s. to Ms pr . osesin Pots (18s. to Ms. per don), Hee eosun, and Ai Al 7 Piants (a good selection, & pr doz., 268. per » Vines (30. 6d. to 10s. 6d. Stoveand Greenhouse Pie ante, Forest Trees, Seeds, Bully, de RICHARD SMITH & C0. WORCESTER. wong a man of business, weakened Dy the stras our duties, avoid stimulants and tase HOP BIT TERS. ou are a man of letters, toiling over you mt aig it work, to restore brain and nerve waste, ais HOP BITTERS. Me ea ee at St rs HOP BITTERS. If ven ab emit or single, old or young, suftenag from poor health or ishing om a bed of sickness, take HOP BITTERS. Hove YOU DYSPEPSIA, KIDHEY OF URINART ComrLas, STOMACH, BOWELS, BLOOD Lives, @ xenves? You will be cured if you tate HOP BITTERS. ONDYS FLUID ‘*The Times”’ says :—" Condy's Fluid is the best disinfectant kno to science.” To prevent dangerous fraud, # that CONDY’S FLUID bess & name of CONDY & MITCHELL, Sole Makers of the genuine. ROWLANDS ODONTO te Is the chen Tooth Powder, because a s the Teeth, prevents decay i ” 4 , —_ & : ce to the breeth J . a frova ai iy bree. S cheap T ry ‘only genaiat rulh the ename!, an‘ is the and which ru Buy bo ODONIO execpt w TAND rs, the original and only _— s ‘ ; So, Sign ee | rs >>

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az 3 gs tenant th a —_—- OctoseR 17, 1885. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 181 “EXCELSIOR! EXCELSIOR!” So, Sir, I felt inclined to cry, when I saw the agile and graceful Signor Enrico Ceccuerti proceeding by leaps and bounds, in the Tue Bishor oF LoNBON TAKING STEPS AS REGARDS THE BALLET. Lord Chamberlain (severely). I must insist on your Lordship lengthening your skirts, ballet at Her Majesty’s own Theatre, which his Lordship, the Bishop of Lonvon, is expected to visit in state. On this joyous occasion the orchestra will strike up one of Bisuop’s Glees. The honoured name of Hawrrey, as Lessee and Manager of Her Majesty’s Show, ought to be good enough for the Bishop, who doubtless remembers the well-known ead Master, subsequently Provost of Eton, with whom, to some of us at least, the name of Hawrrey must always be associated. If the Bishop does he ’ll have a real treat, and if he doesn’t he'll lose one; for Excelsior, as being not only amusing, but highly instructive, ought to satify most of the requirements of those ve superior persons who delight to gus about ‘‘the true mission of the Stage”; and though here they will grieve for the absence of the long-winded speeches crammed with fine words, which they consider the expression of true poetry, yet they will see long-winded dancers, who could go on for ever, apparently ; and they will also see posing with a real meaning and pu in it, instead of the vain attitudinising which they laud as ‘‘ so picturesque.’ In Paris, I went to see Messalina at the Eden Theatre, another historically mer a we ey TD plot e ie ; . c as that o a. strikingly dramatic ballet is the charpente of a drama. Action a was ever the stage rule, and it would, I think, be true Bs vice versa, any really good melodrama mi caily serve for « firstcrate ballot borg ta Silver King would have been much better as a ballet, without a nons delivered by the hero, who would then have had i: ce of legitimately showing us how “‘ romantic and picturesque ” could be on one leg (this would have been quite leg-itimate), to Excelsior! Going up nightly ! genius’’ he could rise in a pirouette, and of what le in the grand pantomimic situations d ‘are, and in the wharf store-house, where and his friends into fits, and then, as would be permissible in a ballet of action, he might escape by leapin through an open window, or by bounding off a ca Jean a disappearing through the skylight. If Ercelsiop—which is now attracting, and certainly its fame is spreading—is to achieve a sub- stantial successful career, additions must be made to the numbers, and the costumes must be renewed from time to time. Its brightness must be pre- served at any cost, and this outlay will ultimately re- pay. A ballet in Acts, no less than a drama, requires comic relief. Such a trou as the MarTrvertris, or the Hanton-Lees, would be well ere as part and parcel of its plot. It should commence as early as a Drury Lane pantomime, and end about the same time. Our people do not want long entr’ actes, as our theatres are suffici- ently comfortable for the ange a to remain in them, instead of rushing out, as in Paris, where the audience is only too glad to breathe the fresh air for caaate minutes, take refreshments and cigar- ettes outside, or promenade about the foyer with the windows open. One very noticeable fea- \ 5 is { This is part of an All-leg-orical Tableau, in ture in Ezcelswor is the which, the Bishop may think, there's a good dancing and graceful —steat deal of ’arm. posturing of the men. Are they all Italians from Italian Ballet Dancing-schools, or are they largely recruited from our ranks of Supers? If so, it speaks immense things for ‘‘ Super”-human nature, and ought to give an impetus to all Dancing-Masters, Asa rule, men-dancers, when not absolutely of first-class talent and per- fect training, are either repulsive or ludicrous, or both. Here it is not so. I wish every success to this venture, and hope that Her Majesty’s will establish a reputation for this class of entertainment alone, and then the title of the next ballet will be E/ Dorado. So mote it be. Yours, Mepium Nisps, P.8.—Since writing the above I see that Miss Kare VAvuouan is now dancing in Excelsior. Delighted to welcome her again: just vot vos vaughanted. Excellent notion. But I question whether giving a lever du rideau, with Mr. Henman Vezin and talented assistants in it, is not a mistake, unless they dance PLancuf’s two- act Secret Service as a comic ballet. This might possibly add to the attraction. Ruminations of a Radical On Mr. Chamberlain's Visit to Mr. Gladstone at Hawarden Castle, Our Jox at Hawarden! What may that portend / Leaves he it less, or more, the People’s Friend ? To the four points of subtle W. G. Will he, or will he not, postpone his three ? Hugging his ultimatum does he go Feeling that office—yet—is not for Jox ? Or leaves he yielding, reconciled, and oned, Softened at heart, in fact, by being Z/awardened ? Tux Casting Vote, lately produced, or, rather, earlily produced, as it is a lever du rideau, at the Prince’s, is by its Author a ‘* Musical Electioneering Squib.” It seems, judging only by the libretto, a very damp squib, let off by a small ‘backward boy in the lower fourth form of the Gilbertian Bab-Ballad-Opera School. Perhaps if played after the ingenious Pink Pearl, which we have seen—once, we may have a chance of hearing the music. Lut this sort of thing is of very little use unless signed by the firm of Messrs. GILBERT AND SULLIVAN, which this equib can’t say it is, without lending itself to a cracker. Tue Beagine any Tae AppLication.— Lord Duykaven is reported to have said that ** that the only thing the Tories have to fear isi - ance.” Yes, but in that case some of them, who, if is bliss, ought to be very happy, would seem to have more to fear than to hope. K

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Ocronmn 17, 1885, | THE LITTLE BULGAR BOY. A WOFUL BALLAD OF THE BALKANS. ( With acknowledgments to Mr. Simpkinson of the ‘‘ Ingoldsby Legends.”) fA WY ay Wrenn od, aw ow AA py QQ © ) LAPS Sorrowful Suzerain loquitur :— It was at Phili is, in August of this year | The mockery in his little eye began again to spring ; I saw a little Bulgar Boy.—I said, “* What do you here?” His bosom - with giggli ys ver 3 fea | like anything! The gor — his youthfal cheek bespake exceeding §°7: iI stooped, and, ’midst = chortling low, I heard him murmur, I said, “* t is your little game, you little Bulgar Boy ?” * Bosh ! | I haven’t got no Suzerain, so that kibosh will not wash ! ASS) He sniffed, that little Bulgar Boy, he seemed inclined to scoff ; My heart aap ban op p often braiond, a little _ it off. ° If a ve Resphenns, to yous engeeding joy, Bulgar Boy’) e is finger — » my ha y bosom rose, an me right, then blow me tight!” vulgar Bulgar boy, And I applied my—hem !|—my handk unto my nose. | ** And now I ’m here, old Pint o’ Beer, it is my fixed intent To raise to diplomatic rot a lasting monument.” “Tut! tut! my little man—tut! tat!” I genially said. | You are a nanghty boy to take such things into your head. ing Treaties thus, as though they were but eggs, | ll have to stretch your neck, or you to stretch your legs ' “Hark! don't you hear, my little man, your Suzerain speaks!” I | “* How would you like a sack, a cord, the Bosphorus for a bed ? Ran home to your Bulgarian home, or I shall scold. Oh, fie! | Ee zoe oe beeak | er we’ This is a most improper game for Bulgar Boys to try.”

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~ Ocroume 17, 1886.) PUNCH, OR THE ‘LONDON 'CHARIVARL 183 —— pyttyqwn hy fe ee Oe Ue) mals yt .. e F : ~ * ar eS yetee Sot ane Find : ¥ ~~ f Wilecl, am 2 ve. A » ty — 7a FORWARDS! = Follower (at the Tail of the Procession), ‘‘E—u, D'yE 8kz YON wee TaM M‘Gowxkre THE-R-RE! Hz MAUN BEI’ TH’ Feont, YB MIND, WHATEVER'S GAUN ON!” His Companion, ‘I’ tHe Front! Ars, Mon "—(viciously)—‘‘ue'p Bet’ THe HeA-ARSE IF HE COULD!” “‘ Go home at once, my little man, or scimetar and Krupp Will have to take a turn at you—and won’t they keep it up? Don’t pull the chestnuts from the fire for Mister Romaworr. Cut home, you little Bulgar Boy! Skedaddle, slope, be off!” “Home?” chuckled he. ‘Oh, certainly, with willingness and joy ! This ts my home, old Bubblyjock |!” —a vulgar Bulgar Boy ! I said, ‘‘ Remem Butt, the kindest of her sex ! Will you snarl up her Berlin wool, and her kind bosom vex ?” But Mrs. Burt did not seem cross, she made but little noise. She said she didn’t care to “sit on” little Bulgar Boys. She said, ** Old a ’tis time you were upon the shelf. Spank him? Go to—Roumelia, and spank the Boy yourself!” I went not to Roumelia—I didn’t like the job. My purse was low; I scarce could raise what Cockneys call ‘‘ a Bob.” The Powers that be looked shy at me, they saw that I was riled, But said, ‘‘ We can’t have rows all round, so please to draw it mild!” When I went back I gazed about—I hunted everywhere, I could not see my little foe—because he was not there : I peeped of Pailipporalis, and at Sofia too, I cried, ** You little Bulgar Boy, what Aas become of you?” I could not see my Tribute, no !—I looked, but could not see The little fiddle-faddle sham they call my Suzeraintee. I could not see my Treaty-rights—my Balkan-range—oh, dear! The whole great Bizzy-Dizzy game was a great fraud, I fear! I could not see m platen quot was not to be seen !— Nor yet my Pan-Islamic Flag, that flag—like me—so green. My Bag, that held them my sole remaining joy, Is gone, for ever gone !—and so’s little Bulgar Boy ! I ran to Mrs. Butt—her SaLisBuRY once admired me so!— Oh, Mrs. Butt! what do you think P—ain’t this a pretty go?— That horrid little Bulgar Boy you thought we'd tied so tight,— He’s stolen my things and run away!!! ”—Says she, ‘‘ And sarve you right //!/” “TWELVE WORDS ONLY.” (By Lightning Wire.) To Gladstone, Hawarden Castle, Cheshire. Delightfal visit. Manifesto and Mutton Cutlets excellent. CHAMBERLAIN, To Salisbury, Foreign Office, Downing Street, 8.W. Send next speech for revision.—CHURCHILL. To Chamberlain, Birmingham. Send best man’s expenses, Will explain Royal Grant bats. ILKE, To Dilke, Chelsea. How about Royal Grants? Am writing to mutual friends. Haxtinertor, To Hartington, Devonshire House, Piccadilly. Hope my young friend has convinced you.—IpDLESLEIGH. To Worms, London. Your assistance invaluable. Will you canvass borough fur me ? Boorp. To Boord, Greenwich. Nothing give me greater pleasure—but am too busy.— Worms. To Lord Chancellor, Westminster. Sorry must decline Indian Judgeship. Absorbing Parliamentary duties.— CLARKE. To Churchill, India Office. Bar-practice quiet. Send me to help Woirr.— Gonsr. To Harcourt, late Home Office. Hope you are disengaged for the winter.—Srar.es. To Lord Chamberlain, London, Yes. Powsonsy can have Gaiety Matinée, Ash Wednesday. HouLiiwesa rap. ST eneallaiae i neentmemeni nay:

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocrosmn 17, 1885, _ A SHORT HOLIDAY CRUISE. Spor ting Prospects—Seals— Nautical Terms—Irish Names— Por- poses Herrings — Classic — The Sea-Serpent — Theories — Jelly-fisth — Lotos-eaters —Calm — Fresh Arrival — Disap pear- ance — Dinner — Nights — Row— Anchored. Srarra and Iona done. What next? Anything—on one condi- tion that we don’t go as tourists on an excursion steamer. We take our time to consider. Our host"has made up his mind. Our ultimate destiny is to some Northern Is where the seals make their home, where young whales are om g~ by old and ex- perien a and Senge sea-birds congregate. Here we shall stalk the seals, gun in hand; perhaps secure several, which we can bring home sell for immense sums, their skins being pecu- liarly valuable, when , to ladies (also when dressed), ~— affect, seal-skin ae. ‘orpoi too, we may obtain ; their hides make boots and cigar-cases, that is if confided to persons who know how to convert hides ‘into boots and cigar-cases, a mess should make of it were I to try ! What a very poor helpless sort of Robinson Crusoe I should have been! I forget the name of the island where we are to lead this wild kind of life, subsisting on what we may shoot or catch (except in the way of drink—as we cannot very easily catch Pommery or Lanson, or another nice light cham- pagne with which our host varies the entertainment, and which I think is called Gourlay or something like it), but the Composer, who has been once before disappointed in seal-shooting and big fishing, is delighted at the prospect, and so am I. Forp-Bamiy knows the island well. ‘“‘If it’s fine when we ’re up there, it ll be difficult work getting at the seals,” he says,‘‘ and if it’s bad, we shan’t get a sight of one. As to fetching it at it's a question of time, and, if the wind’s unfavourable, we be days doing the distance.” He speaks nautically of “ fete i the Island. This expression takes, so to s wind out of the sails of the old verb about Manomet and the Mountain. Sub- stitute “‘ Island” for ‘‘ Mountain,” and then the proverb nautically stands, “‘If the Island won’t come to Admiral Manower, R.N., then san Manomert, R.N. can tell Captain Sanwpattat, R.N. to ** ‘ fetch it.’” However, we are not to be discouraged, and, above all, our host MELLEVILLE is not—and he has determined on the expedition. First, though, we are to go, he says, to a place that sounds to me like ‘‘Bally- huish.”’ This certainly ought to be in Ireland. Ballyhuish is decidedly Irish ; and there's a joyous, jiggy kind of air about the name, sug- gesting knee-breeches, shoes and buckles, red waistcoats, open collars, blue stockings, loose tie, mis-shaped hat, shillelaghs, short pettionats, bodioes, and bare arme aki akimbo, which are all « associnted with Irish peasantry at a fair,— ps more on t in real life, as should be from a name beginning with Bally or Ballet- huish,—the “‘ huish” representing the shout that Pat gives in the excitement of the national dance. I t to find on map that it is spelt Ballachuish, and that it is on Loch Leven. As we go along with, on the whole, a fair wind and, for the time of year, a really wonderful supply of sun, the objects of interest are more remarkable for their scarcity than any great variety. First, at intervals of half an hour between each are porpoises, whose life qqpeens to consist in turning head-over- like the dirty little boys “‘ two wheels a y” in streets—only that these latter do it for money, while porpoises go on at it hour after hour, aimlessly rolling over and over, in a Jazy lolloping sort of manner, as if they were monotonously humming over to themselves the tune of the old oy = yy a —— ey yy ; : a oe ting-ton!” and soon a y: so, having got in the habit of rolling over an over, they must still continue it unconsciously “ e’en in their sweetest dreams.” Then we watch a number of youthful i shining like silver, as they jerk themselves up with a great m effort an inch above the surface, and then snk back in ¢ Very weak- minded of them to show how shining they are, as for this act of vanity they are punished by the gulls and the uackers, who show a short and easy way of doing small ° itaing little fish attract the birds, but even will swallow four or five of them down at a gulp out of his way in time, and then he’ll take two or three extra turns The Origin of Fin Gal's Cave. my I| below, carried away by an inspiration, to the piano. them | when he last looked at either of them, he too gives after his meal, for the sake of digestion, as if he were chuckling to himself and saying, ‘‘ Capital eating, those young ings ; capital | Over Mt ob There ’s more where they came ! Over we again’ Always take two or three rolls with my dinner! Flop, , over again! Here’s a lark!” Occasionally we shoot at a por- poise. But he only turns over once more head-over-heels, and rolls out of the way with a sort of ‘‘ Oh, don’t bother me!” movement, and disappears for a few seconds, to reappear, still doing turnovers some distance off and well out of shot. The -—— is a living illustration of ‘‘ multa revolvens,” which might porpoisely translated, ‘‘ Turning head-over-heels lots of times.” I do not believe that any line of porpoises, no matter how numerous, nor of whales either, whatever their size, could ever have been mis- taken for the Great Sea-Serpent. If I feel certain of anything, specially while in this listless state out yachting, it is of the exist- ence of the Sea-Serpent. ** Or of a Sea-Serpent,” says the Composer. “* Yes,” observes MELLEVILLE, who has lately been reading Frawx Bucxtann’s Memoirs, “it is impossible to imagine that only one Sea- Serpent exists. Unless,” he adds, correcting hi , ‘it is the last of its race.” “You ean’t suppose,” says Forp-Bamty, waking spent joining in, ‘‘ that captains of position, crews, and rs e alt been lying for years?” Then he places his book on his knees, and is off to sleep again. We consider this proposition silently. The Composer is presently heard to murmur to himself that “‘ the Sea-Serpent wouldn’t be a bad idea for a Cantata,” and he disappears But the divine afflatus doesn’t take him further than the sofa, and when, on not hearing the sounds of music, I look through the skylight, I see him stretched oat fast asleep, with, I rather think, a brandy-and-soda, half emptied, by his side. Thus with him ends the possibilities of “* The Sea-Serpent, a Cantata by CunistopHer CuLiins, R.C.M.” But with regard to this marine monster, we have arrived at this conclusion, that either there is somewhere a family of Sea-Serpents— there is plenty of room for them in the Atlantic—or the one occasion- ally seen is the last of its race gradually expiring, and coming up to the surface now and then to give a last look round before di ar- ing for ever. There is something inexpressibly sad in this theory about the Sea-Serpent. ‘Oh, please, Serpent, don’t speak to the Man at the Wheel!” Second objects of interest are the jelly-fish. It oceurs to me that we must have come to the very extreme of idleness when we are sensible of the smallest excitement from watching jelly-fish. We try to read papers, whose news is now the ancient history of a week ago: we try to write letters; begin them and leave off at the bottom of the first page. We try to read books: futile. Forp-Bamiy is the best at this sort of thing, as he takes up a book, places it on his knees where he can’t we bey to read it, folds his arms, and goes fast asleep. When wakes up, if he feels more than usually lively, he sets to work to plait ropes’-ends, and as this involves a good deal of plucking and pulling to pieces, the employment at first 8 ts oakum-picking as a fine art. ELLEVILLE has by his side all his charts, maps, and a couple of novels. After a while the charts knows the route by heart, the glasses discover n novels he has tried on the system of ‘‘ one down t’other come on ; ” as most of the time is occupied in finding out where he left = up listlessness and tonpid enjoyment of the mere fact of existence, with - > consciousness of becoming gradually hungry without the necessity of exercise. Occasionally, as in the instance above recorded, the Composer |

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Ocroser 17, 1886.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 185 retires below, and plays the piano. This is soothing. I tell him so through the skylight, and ask him to continue. Whereupon he immediately leaves off. Evidently I have interfered with an in- spiration, and stemmed,—I was going to have said “‘damm’d,” but it does not sound polite ; so, on consideration, I will say “‘ sont - —the flow of genius. I betake myself to watching the jelly-fish. We a little bottle-shooting, but everyone has dead shot that there is no variety in developing into satan cares, Bee suddenly we are aware of a dead calm, and we are not yet within measurable distance of Ballachuish. There is nothing for it but to put into a bay—nice quiet little siding where we can dine—but to get there we must be towed by our cutter. To be towed by a cutter sounds like being kicked by a tailor. Present this to Mr. Dump Crapo Junior. Daring the day one exceptional object of interest to us has been from time to time the approach of a a schooner yacht, evidently bent on the same journey as ourselyes. Through glass MELLE- vitue has made her out to be the Norseman, belonging to Mr. Brusu, k.A., who, the Captain happens to know, is on board, and, being very fond of it, probably sailing her himself. This will give the artist some trouble now, as the wind has We are well ahead of the Norseman, and in fact have lost sight of him. We are moaing — Pe some gape like a + on a ve slow pace, the men in the eu rowing and singing. y enoug their selection of songs is not at all nautical. This present one is about “ Bill was a hackney coachman rare,” which is a peculiar favourite with the crew, on account of its offering rare opportunities for shouting out a rough and ready chorus at the end apparently of nearly every line, with an increased fortissimo chorus to mark the conclusion of each verse. The sails are of no use. We are being towed by the musical mariners towards the bay. What dramatic changes there are at sea ! Scene Il. (Afternoon up to Four.) Warm—sun—calm. Scene II, (Four and after.) Dark—cold—gusts of wind. We are in the darkness of Kintallen Bay. One light ashore ; pro- bably rary We descend to dinner; always a pleasant time. Dinner just hed ; noise on deck ; holloaing; shouting ; up we go. The Norseman, forty tons than our yacht, has arrived late, and is trying to crowd into small bay, where we have settled for the night. Plenty of room without interfering with us or two other vessels whose lights are visible. Altercation between the = of ours and the Captain of theirs: Norseman rude, we polite. Norseman “ - round, and ae ae us in the most unmannerly fashion. e Norseman is not behaving well, and if it hits anything, ought to select a craft of its own size and weight, and not;"‘ A weaker vessel” like the Creusa, If Mr. Brusa, R.A., is sailing it himself, as I was informed, then I say, ‘ Better throw the painter overboard,” an old jest exactl suited to the occasion. But surely an artist ought to ‘know about canvas. Why doesn’t he adorn his own sails with his own works? On second thoughts he leaves that to the picture-dealers, who adorn their sales wi his works. The difficulties and dangers are overcome : it was an exciting moment; and now we return to the saloon and, oddly enough, talk about anything except nautical sub- jects. We discuss chiefly city matters, and affairs. We burst out into stories; Forp-Bamty tells some remarkable ones about America and Foreign travel; the Composer tells his unique expe- riences of the Stock Exchange; I narrate little anecdotes of half- hours with the best Brokers; and E enlightens us as to what it is to be a trustee, So we go on until I utterly and entirely forget that I am on board @ yacht in a small bay thousands of miles away from Piccadilly, and am only recalled to the fact that we are not in a club smoking-room by MELLEVILLE putting the end of his - one 5 ash-tray and saying, ‘‘ Suppose we go on deck before Go on deck from club smoking-room? | No—surely—why, of course, So we go on deck and have a last look at the Norseman, and wonder if Mr. Bausn, R.A.,, is taking it easel-y in his berth, and if e will get out before us to-morrow morning, and sincerely hope, as appears to be rather a gale springing up, that neither of us will get loose come whack one against the other. gt loose, drag our anchors, and in my reading—I listen—is it the become such a or Night.” Terrific noises" T Night. Terrific noises. I pause anchor dragging ?—if so—again—a ag f use—I listen intently—the noise oy 2} is - the ener ing—it is only Foup-BAMLY outting late an in to me, and he has gone to sleep immediately on “ APPLAUSE In Covrt.”—The onl Magistrate who never makes Se slightest attempt to pon oa in Court is Mr. ARTHUR *cIL in his own must be seen to. igh In . this form of amusement. We are| W THE ENGLISH ABROAD. (By One of Them.) In these - of Cheap Excursions, when the summer-time comes round, Many thousands of my countrymen repair to foreign ground, here their manners, as a rule,—although exceptions are not few,— Leave a deal to be desired from a local point of view. I have watched them on the Continent ugh many a season past With profound humiliation ; and the time is come at last When I feel that I no longer can refrain, at any price, From endowing British Tourists with a little advice. Lend your ears, esteemed compatriots,—ye Ronrysons and Browns, Who frequent Italian lakes, Helvetian peaks, and German towns, Who recur upon the Righi, and are annually seen Huddled up in plaids, and shiv’ring, in the chilly Engadine ; Ye, whose is familiar to P. Viennese, Neapolitans, Venetians, Gen ese, ; Let me give an useful hint or two to each and ev’ry one, As to what the Briton, whilst abroad, should do—and leave undone. Take no notice of the persons whom you meet in boat or train, For civility to strangers goes against the lish grain ; If they venture to address you, look them y up and down With a smile of scornful pity, or a supercilious frown. Your expression will to them the destiny forlorn Which created them mere foreigners, whilst you are British-born ; Thus incisively brought home to them, no longer will they shirk The conviction that an Englishman is Nature's noblest work ! Never raise your hats on entering a or restaurant Where, enthroned behind the counter of the smart établissement, Sits a lady, whom the natives all salute as they come in ; Such politeness, in a thoroughgoing Briton, were a sin. peek in English to the shopmen and the waiters, by the way, ey will listen with deep interest to me Hoye you say ;— Should they =P seize your meaning, shout and swear, and “‘ give them fits,”— A few hearty British expletives will stimulate their wits ! Always carve your name, in characters indelible and bold, Upon statues of renown, reputed worth their weight in gold, And on palaces and churches, which are manifestly meant To record the patronymic of an Anglo-Saxon gent. On the very oldest Masters ’tis a truly British lark, With the point of an umbrella or a stick, to make your mark ; Or to chip off, here and there, a little finger or a toe From a marble god or hero, fashioned centuries ago. When you enter a cathedral duri At the mummeries of ignorant idolatry to rail And you need not be too careful not to jostle those who pray, As you stride about the building in your stalwart British way. — Whilst conversing with your Guide, too, never moderate your voice, But address him in a louder tone than usual, for choice ; Thus the superstitious natives will be made to understand Why we Britons are so popular in ev’ry foreign land. Whilst at meals, attract the notice of your sisters and your wives — To the gobbling French and Germans, as they juggle with their nives, F And be sure that you revile the “* beastly cooking,” ‘sour wine,” And “ ame ny Baytey iho at d’ héte you Sine Pray remember that, on principle, such observations shou Be be ms audible to foreigners—they ought to do them good ! And su they prove offensive, you, at are none the worse— For the feelings of a Parleyvoo what Briton cares a curse / i all regulations wheresoever you may go ; Foreign edicts were not made for freeborn Englishmen, you know. In the station and the custom-house be blustering and bold, And on no account demean yourselves by as you’re told. Thrust your noble nationality in everybody’s face, Show the Continent fine —- the Anglo-Saxon race, Whose innate superiority to Teuton, Gaul, Is a fact that cannot fail to be acknowledged by them all ! service, never fail Too Mucu or a Goon Tu1xe.—On Licensing Day, permission was given, in almost every case, to Restaurants to have their dinners accompanied by music. This fashion was all very well when quite a novelty at the Holborn Dotene, but the Restaurant frequenter has no desire to become like the Old Lady of Banbury Cross, and be told that ‘he shall have music he goes.” A quiet dinner the musicians t a Locic.— Premises, Slums and Cesspools. Conclusion, wherever will be a rarity; and the real “dinners” will be specially the Big Drum. ees

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a Rustic, to judge of their performance and award _PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Ocropen 17, 1885, | ; eee —— ~~ iy Gs j | ’ i Kit 6 THE LAST BALL OF THE SEASON. (Soznz— Grand Hotel, Launtennisville-super-Mare.) He, “1 se@ YOUR PARDON, BUT—ER—I DID NOT QUITE CaTOR THE Nauz——” She *‘ Miss Frtz-MowtmMorexcy.” He,“ Taanxs, THanks! Waat a partry Name! anp 50 UscoMMON !” He (feebly). “* A—Panpon—suT—zr—awy Name is Joves! ’ She (haughtily). ‘‘Dio vou THInKk I was OALLED Jones!” THE CONTENDING SWAINS. A POLITICAL PASTORAL. (Some Way after Virgil's Third Eclogue.) ARGUMENT. Dama@tas and Manatcas, two Shepherds, after some smart strokes of country raiilery, and having tried their skill in a one refer it to Pacamon, e crown. PaLeMon, uzzled to decide so after a full caring of both partics, declares bimself victory undeter- weighty a controversy, and—for the moment—leaves GL-DsT-NE. Dametas . . 8-L-sB-kRY. Palemon . New Rastic Voter. Damon (referred to by Dametaa) . . CH-MB-RI-¥. Menaleas. Ho, Swain, what Shepherd owns yon straggling shee 5 No matter : eye P y as. Unhapp 5 tay o'er er the lain, Whilst you t their istrees a mah in Lam And fear that I her favours retain. Dame‘as. Bah! blonderer, is’t not known, and to all men That you have muffed her business, how, and when? Never again you ’ll win the premier Your flounderings have been gee per th mpming eyes, soorn your condemnation lies Menalcas, Pooh, Sir, your pipe a borrowed music plays ; : My Muse you rail at, but you steal my lays. Danae Oh, you — : all Music for your own! mined. Menalcas A solemn — ju ae ye ‘him, poor mimic ? Never pipe Vain thine attempts, as soon shall be allowed, To tickle on thy straw the rustic crowd ! Dametas. To bring it to the trial, will you dare Oar pipes, our skill, our verses to compare ? Menalcas. Talk not of daring, boaster, but begin! I prophesy beforehand I shall win. a mow shall be judge how LL. a ree ~~ I'll teach you how to mn me Dametas. Dallard, come ate do nd An you can ! I fear you not, nor er, older man. Silence, ye Swains, and crane attention wait, For we have business here of high debate. Palemon. Sing then; these fields afford a proper. place. This and shall the happy victor grace ; The challenge to Mzwatcas shall belong, Dameceras shall sustain the under-song : Each in his turn your tuneful numbers bring’; By turns the tuneful Muses love to sing Menalcas. From the on! Sire of all the pm 4 above My Muse begins : the Liberal Jove! To him the care of ‘lyr right belongs, My flock he blesses, admires my songs. Dametas. Me all-conserving Phebus more inspires ; He lights = courses and he tunes our lyres. Y our god and 4. your charge } have failed to keep, M P. ~ Wi th palting ot phn peraatentl oe enaleas, With pelting y you p My flock, in pleasant wide, And now my careful s "s i Denctes Hy — ~ mph you claimed bas some unaaked ble folly to be free. ior sancioy ape ts mien, cohen eet be Menalcas. Not so. she ’ll seek my eonstant arms ; Loyal to the old love, yield me her charms. ———— aes

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a —— —— BR? SQ: f , ‘i TUNIFESTO le

aitihin h i's yy Mi (hit AHI tiyin)yhy ~ —= . S SS Who * 1} ; - a ut Yee NI ve f Rui i

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THE CONTENDING SWAINS. a . ' . » &-L-6n-RY. Menalcas . . Gi-Det-Xe. Palemon . . New Rustic Voter (called in to award the Crown). ea Third Rologue.

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—_ OcTOBER ——_— iF. Sh amta Dam st Yi A! Menalca Li Dameta Yi Yi Menalca T ( T A | Dameeta ‘ Palemo E B A ¥ The Trt interesting | memoirs, | | be unpalat bored witl | middle-ag of this anc | the writer | Manager, | been a y | is “ Corn | seems to s | he thinks | Mr. Vici | Now we | that, havi | we have n he did one slonally ix imagine) 1 ey In hints f | Benefit | | list with o of the wit treat whic MLES pla Mr. “uf Siders wor b ¢ to selves anc * with th cerned, p! quite see. the publi ——

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Ocroser 17, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 189 Let her once more my honeyed accen ys, and so long as he honourably, and in a businesslike manner, theif sbrink fom your havah notes with loathing fear discharges his part of, his contract with the public, why should the Dametas. Pooh! What avails your ‘‘ long and dreary ” flight ? —, wish to go outside that contract, in order to pry into his She knows you now, and shudders at 7 Tp sight. omestic life, which is no business of theirs at all ? You opesed your net, but I the prey, We do not refuse our guinea for a stall to hear Signor Uraorn1,

And ¢ you to lure ph awa because that unrivalled artist ran awa with another Menaleas. Election-day ’s at hand, oot Gan she'll come, nor do we shut our eyes and stop pa when Mme i Like a strayed dryad, to = Woodman home. enters upon the stage, because we happen to know, what all the Damates. Nay, with her now I’m more in grace than you ; world knows as well as ourselves, where her diamonds come from, on ’d fell her trees, her sylvan altars hew. and how two gentlemen of family and pees ruined y mel Y ou Abad ‘Nght ea Y mes ote’ pa utterly for even Syren. No; we thank our stars Menalcas. ws mine is the ratic Stars—for voices and execution, and listen en- > _ her Treasure and pennore Ses Land, chanted. —- P ie - o lop the growths ber Wer, e are far from denying that, accidentally, the knowledge of a And teach feck rt Me thy ota covers of In a Grass Country, ' Who make your artful championship their boast ; by Mrs. Loverr AMERON, It begins in a fishing village, and pro- Wolves by the Shepherd tempted near the fold, ceeds to hunting-quarters,” ater on, quite seasonably. It commences Thieves by the Watchman warned of hoarded gold, with a ‘‘smac ee country, and goes to a “crack” country. The ' Whose hands the faithless priest dares _ restrain three heroines are charming each in her own way. It is well sketched, i From ruthless pillage of the hallowed fan full of character, with si observations on men and women— : Menaleas. Who loathed ar Nymph might say, a - her be, not too hard on anybody—a clear story carefully written, and there- ' Damaeras, doomed to test thy works and thee fore easily read. Recsmmend ded. But no, one might as well decide to join Here = is delightful reading! The Pytchley Book of Refined Dog-foxes in the yoke, or shear the swine, Cookery and Bills of Fare—the only bills we care to see, though we As link her fate with thine, or from thy rule, won't say we are not sometimes a little afraid of them. It is com- For all thy sounding cry, expect much wool. piled by ‘“‘ Major L * * *.” What loudliest you denounce, your friends and you, But Major L.'s arrangement of menus is not, on “7 wists 80 good That, = the chance, most readily you do; as Sir Hewny Houtann’s in his admirable work on Food and What tliest, out of power, you advocate, Feeding, because the idea is not based on the Puce Bey principle of That longest, | when you sway, the N ymph ’ may wait. getting at your pice de résistance as soon as possible, and then going Woe to her, if she trust to care of thine a for your palate-ticklers and high art dishes if you will. Not that Her Land, her AY = her Harvest, or her Shrine ! pats tel is always for the wit first and the substantiality last, Palemon (puzzled). So nice a difference in your singing lies, ” is his motto, and his receipts seem to be excellent. A

I hardly know which most deserves the prize. weal. book this,—bills ~ y= the ene to follow. Also Each of you pipes a — than en igdien lay. recommended for the use of English Students, and, of course, Irish Both of pa ore Ay What can I say? Stew-dents. ¢ — - oe al ose. aad a ami © my VT Laft considering. TOPICS OF THE DAY.

By Dumb-Crambo Junior. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. The Truth About the vp Sams by “‘ Comm.” BR ne A y ain, ap un- interesting, omens i ieee toa Hmited 37. ae most memoirs, uncommon! i walins reading. Truth is generally ph nen be unpalatable ; bat in this form itis nauseous Who wants to be bored with the personal experiences and opinions of a, Pian? fos middle-aged provincial actor bly a Bli oe of this and nothing more valuable does the boo the writer, whoever he may be, Bipa2 about a pe — A Provined Manager, who, it appears, like tm, “i Rn Caste, has always a) a very clever man, if he had s chance.” 8o high | This represents the status quo ante—“ Stay, tusk ! Whoa, Aunty 1” (Police !!) Maret Ag.- an er M sea t aes to say have not apprecia In e s, tha’ he thinks, if there were a cabventiensd National Theatre, this Mr. Vincent Npreepate wh BF edt Now we shall that, having bes ove a very limited ex ial theatricals, wehave never seen this performer act. We believe that he did onee, perhaps twice, it may have been oftener, profes- tially in Landon. but in what character (something »we imagine) we are not aware, and (how we now reg! oppor fear !) rr ~~ tons - 3 while pty _ ay * pre y ve a Benefit ! ynot? Wh Should Looon wait? e will head the list with one guinea down— unable to afford more in consequence of the withdrawal of Paradox—in order to insure for ourselves the

, (qpert's GR GONE Cot Por V6 Img , ,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Ooromme 17, 1888, | SUGG ESTIONS FOR PICTURES OF THE PRINCE’S NEXT TOUR-ANYWHERE. (With Mr, Punch's compliments to the Illustrated Papers. ) = ‘ a 2 \lo| PIE EASES TEESE. iss yet ats FeSSE 5 nvr, seg ck ESSERE RSE a Bin &! Ege Me cas 7 f @ |@° * . The Prinee puts one foot before the other; 2. The Prince takes his Hat off; 3. The Prince puts it on again ; 4. The Prince hase Donkey-ride ; 6. The Prince goes to Church ; 6. The Prince goes Yachting ; 7. H.R.H. the Prince of Wales feels Sleepy ; 8. The Prince snores ; 9. The Fries blows his Nose; 10. The Prince in a Lift ; 11. The Prince lays a Stone; 12. The Prince emokes another Cigarette; 13. Ceremony of Opening Oyster by the Prince of Wales; 14. H.R.H. inspects Our Special Artist's Sketches; 16. H.R.H. kindly dispensing with Our Artist’s attendance. — aa | EGESFEP. 2FS22. 78

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i T Ocrosmn 17, 1886.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL 191 NOTES FROM THE CHURCH CONGRESS. (Three Days’ Report.) J. C, Honstey, R.A., is the right man, the rightest Bt, but for in the wrong place at a Church ‘aire dans Fillet irl, similarly reared, coming of theatrical fami lieve, obsolete. But, if names are to be appropri fitting it would have been if the Chaplain of old days, had been Dean Swirt ? The Rev. Canon G. VewaBLzs insisted that what was general] the Clergy was ‘‘ heartiness.” ” might come in usefull the Ballet. Put it under the ; RAN Jonzs of the Oxford Street Circuit, Author of The Rev. Mr. Claudian and other light and leading plays, might The Rey. Coartes BuLiocx on the Church and the Press, but drew in his horns. After thishe talked about i HH H : | to defer their remarks until the discussion on the ‘‘ Native Raves came on. It was rumoured that a Arch- deacon had said he wished he were ARcuER. But this Teport, like children under twelve, has not been confirmed. A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT. “Aun, Str, WE DON’T OFTEN GET A LeG LIKE YouRS TO FIT! THERE 's SOME CREDIT IN FITTING A LEG LIKE yours, I CAN TELL You!” —— AFTER-THOUGHTS, (From Lord Gr-nv-lle’s Note-book. ) Mem, on retiring to rest Friday night, October 10th.—Jubilee of Municipal Corporations over The Provincial Mayors oughtn’t to have dined at the Free- masons’ Tavern, they ’re all such *‘ Odd Fellows.” Think I made a real hit this evening. Cross aND BLackwELL—I mean Cross and Batrour—(Mem. Wish I’d pretended Japsus lingua, and spoken of them as Cross anp BLackweLi— pretty pickle they ’d have been in—think out this notion for next opportunity) — spesking first, made it all the better for me. Happy hit of mine about my “not being able to go anywhere out yachting without meeting a Cabinet Minister.” It told immensely. Regret I didn’t im- mediately add, ‘‘and I need hardly say they were ‘all at sea.’” If that had been given in my usual quietly humorous way, with a sly glance right and left, it would have been enormous. Note it for next chance. ; Then when I said that Batrovr and Cross had “taken the wind out of m >| sails,” which the Mayors of the sea-side places specially enjoyed,—in fact t the Mayor of Hull would have had a fit, he langhed so y,—I ought to have added that ‘‘ next month they won’t be troubling themselves about my sails, as they ’ll be busy about their own canvass.” This sort of thing tells immensely at the moment, and precisely the same good ing, once missed, seldom occurs again. But, Ha oe joke t *‘ canvass” will come into my next speech at the {oval A Banquet. It will go even better there. Wish that years ago I had begun writing for Punch. Just getting into proper form for it now. ... Let me see—did I wind up my watch ?. . . Wonder how my speech will look to-morrow morning in the papers ? ... Think it’s all right. ... Wish I’d always been wri for Punch, . . « Might have been Editor now. . . . However, what’s not done can’t be helped... (Mem. to say this of « joint un peu saignant)... Je vais me coucher ... bonne nuit. . THE MUSICAL PITCH. TaR-WaTER i lent thing for the throat. Mr. Sims Rezvnzs, the Incomparable, @ says that, a to the present time, he has always contrived to preserve his voice by y pitching his notes.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SS {Ocroper 17, 1885, THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. IV.—From THe Unsteerine Partyen. Birmingham, Monday. I GLADLY seize the oppor- tunity of a quiet day to write a few lines to you, hoping they will find you well, as they leave me at present. | ed you have observed that I have of late been on the wing. My colleagues may go fishing, or shooting, or achting; but I] am a man of usiness, and accustomed to attend to business. H-n- T-NeT-w and H-wry J-m-s may have made good bags since the Twelfth. But I fancy that since I went out on the tramp at the beginning of August, I have brought down more birds. By the way, what has be- come of H-nry J-m-s? We were accustomed at this period of the year to hear him twit- tering at Taunton, or some other place, settling imperial affairs. He has not appeared upon the scene as yet, and is, I think, on the whole well advised. He is a pretty young man, out not strong enough to swim in the troubled waters of politics. Now, J like it, Tony. I do not care about your spells of fair weather such as we had immediately on going out of office. There was for me too muc bowing and seraping between the two Front Benches. It was a very thin crust, I know, and would have broken through in a twinkling if the Tories had gone wrong on any point. But, artificial as it was, it did not suit my taste, and 80 I broke away, beginning at Hall, and going, as J-m-s L-wru-k humorously puts it, to a place that differs only by a vowel. I have enjoyed myself immensely during the past six weeks. There is only one thing necessary to complete my satisfaction. I should like to know what Gi-pet-ne, H-nt-Net-y, and H-nxo-vrt think of my goings on. I don’t believe G.-pst-NxE cares very much. He means to be out of it scon, and in the meantime is very much of my opinion on the points I have raised, only declines to take any fresh departures. H-n1-ner-n is, I fancy, chiefly bored. He does not bear me any malice, but would be exceedingly obliged if TY wouldn't be bringing up new things. He will come along slowly, with one hand in his et and a scowl on his face, like a man who has got up too early in the morning. But he’il come. and if the Tories are looking to Fim to put a spoke in my wheel, they ’ll fi their mistake. But H-n-c-n-r? Ah! that would be funny if it were not too pathetic. I remember, as it were but yesterday, how he came down to Birmingham, and tronised me. That was some half-a-dozen years ago, and his prospects were ooking very brilliant. He was, next to Giapstowe, the crack speaker on the Liberal side. He had his triumphal progress, in the course of which he visited Birmingham, and all the papers were full of what he said, and what they had to say thereupon. He was running straight for the reversion of the Leadership of the Liberal party, and though I don’t believe that, in any circumstances, he would have won the prize, he at had the satisfaction of contemplating it as within his reach. But where is he now? Though I say it what shouldn’t, Gup's a comet in the sky, and the ordinary constellations are singing very small. 1 was much amused the other day to read his warm tribute of admiration of myself. Some might think he was jealous. On the contrary, he was delighted, and not say too much in praise of “ my right hon. friend.” And there is C-nrn-y, too, not usually regarded as a humorist. But what could exceed the humour of his appearance in Somersetshire, making a speech in @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Con h | That Count AstHETIcs—no, we beg his —— Yoon say, re support of a resolution advocating ‘‘ Union among the ship of Mr. Gu-pet-we?” Yet even amid the menta anxiety attendant upon the unwonted exertion of m a joke, C-nry-y did not fail to pay a tribute to me. These are little things, but they show how the wind is blowing. I shall get my own way in the end, a success largely attributable to the fact that I have unmistakeably indicated and resolutely followed. Amid a company of shifting politicians anxiously looking out different sections of the Liberal Party under the leader. | for a sign, a man capable of making the sign himself and dauntlessly construing it, is certain to have a following, | Ponder on these things, my young friend, apply them to | the direction of your own affairs, and may Heaven bless | you. I generally conclude my addresses with a verse ot | poetry. But I have during my tour used up a large | stock, and you will probably excuse me, and believe me to be Yours faithfully, J. CH-MB-RI-y, To Tony, M.P., The Kennel, Barks. P.S.—I have just grown a new orchid. Mean to call it after F-nzst-k, for whom, as I mentioned at Bradford, | have a great esteem. Besides F-nst-k always had an orchid manner. A SCARE FOR SPORTSMEN, From the Globe of October 6th we extracted the following item of news, which we knew! would rejoice the heart of | every true English Sports- man :— ** A telegram from Vienna states that the Prince of WALEs preserves the strict- est incognito. He has paid several visits to the Exhibi- tion, and has taken walks through Pesth unattended. While staying with Count Fesretics he went a good deal about the country, visiting the peasants’ cottages, and performing many kind acts of charity. The sport in the preserves of Count Fxs- | TETICS was very good. Among the ‘game’ shot were forty- two foxes, of which eleven fell to the Prince’s gun. The fox is not held to be free in Hungary.’”’ His acts of charity included relieving the in the Hungary districts. Excellent. But now as to the sporting extraordinary. The Prince may, according to the tele- m, ‘‘ preserve the strictest incognito,” but, evidently rom this, he was not inclined to strictly preserve foxes. “ Fox et preterea nil’*—but it was a Stag, after all! ATHLETICS—no, dear us, wrong again—we sho Count Fresretics—should be a Vulpecidist, is what wo naturally be ex of a “‘furriner.” But that some elever foxes should have fallen victims to H.R.H.’s deadly aim! Heavens!—when, as we were preparing to justify the conduct of H.R.H. in the eyes of English sportsmen, up-stairs rushed a boy with some other evening’s Globe, containing this correction of the above information :— “His Royal Highness, it seems, shot seven stags the other day, not foxes, as was incorrectly stated at the time.” Ah! the world of sport breathes again. Home Securities have gone up with a bound. Stags are very like Foxes in Hungary, hence the mistake. But what if H.R. had indeed shot foxes in H , he would only have been acting in accordance with his rule which has made him everywhere so popular; that is, of doing in furrin parts as furrin jes do. However, he “ did not shoot that fox, brave boys!” and he can sing, with the sailor in Pinafore, that, ** in spite of all temptations” (to shoot foxes) “ he remained an Englishman,” an English sporte- man, and let Brer Fox go free. News vor THe Sawpwicn-Mzn 1 Lonpon. —The old town of Sandwich is once again to have a port and harbour. Sir WarTkrn is said to be taking consid interest in the movement. If it succeeds, he will ts more later on. This is now one of, the many burning Fastern questions—a South-Eastern question, of course. New Species or “Grounp Game” (for Radical Sportsmen).—Ground Landlords. an tributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless secompanied by © Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. Est 181f $ Prize Med PETER F Pravevon erste To 71 Couats, a” pziz! | THs WH § TRI Phi Firs Mec “VEE Goo Cen Lae Jur and sale a y z El GOLD MEL 2 Cannison RICHD 92 and 94 Buoomss' THE PRIZE ®, GREAT 1 su (The Cr Ra tw d& , Tem

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"aired S| & PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocrosgr 17, 1885. ——— SILVER MEDAL, “HRALTH EXHIBITION, | LONDON, 1684. HEERING’S ONLY GENUINE COPENHAGEN | itt. CHERRY sisistis, rem ® weenrso” BRANDY. yeeteto raz Rovat Dansem ano luremiat Rossian Covers, any H..H. tax Parcs or Wates. pRIZE MEDAL WHISKY of the CORK DISTILLERIES CO. , LIMITED. gix PRIZE MEDALS FOR TRISH WHISKY. First Prise Medal, Philadelphia, 1876 , Gold Medal, Paris, 1878 ; Firet Prize Medal, bydney, 1879; Prise Medals, Cork, 1883. “VERY fine, full flavor and Good Spirit.”—Jurors’ Award Centennial Exhibition, 1876. “TNQUESTION ABLY as fine specimen as one could wish Jurors’ Award, Cork Exhibition, ia” THIS FINE OLD IRISH WHISKY may be had of the Le ney | Wine and Spirit Dealers, and is supplied to whole- sale merchants in casks and cases by THE CORK DISTILLERIES CO., LIMITED, Morrison's Island, Cork. CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD, GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, 1884. 25s. the Gall. ; 50s. the Doz. Canatacn Patp. Casu On tr. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N.W. BOTTLING sTORES— Buoomssvny Mansion, Haat Starer, W.C. Agents for India—CUTLER, PALMER, & 00. COLD a, PARIS Omens, 1878, KINAHAN’S OTHE gpuas roe MTD aD ft | wiz TTS, baie mi “= voor = WHISKY. THE PRIZE MEDA L, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865, ®, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET, LONDON, W. SULPHOLINE LOTION (The Cure for Skin Diseases) & few days re , federing the Skin Clear, mmooth, eappie, and healthy. Sold everywhere. CHESS EXHIB" 1884 SODA WA POTASS “ere SELTZER 8s. 64. per Dos. —r Carriage is paid on Full and E Empties to and from any address in the United Kingdom. A list of leading Agents sent on application to J. SCHWEPPE & CO., 61, _Berners s Street, London. GINGER aun, MALVERN SELTZER, tas. 04. per Dos. (Exclusive of le Waters. Paovewsien or Dessss mw Tue Wovesnena, ALL INC LIBER T Y jpap Sites vate cba, DESTROYED! sewer INVICTA Automatic DISINFE 18 SIMPLICITY ITSELP—CANNOT GE CHAMPAGNE. TISSOT FRERES’, OF ORDER— FROM 7] “Perfected” UT Wee an et ean, | eee ee ee COD LIVER OIL Where this is used COLE AGENTS, Ble vod Poisoning, &c used for Infirmaries, Slaug Public Markets, &c. OONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK (PATENT). ans, pipes, and traps in « i germs co “— »P exist, The ‘Invicta Disinfeeter, Style A, Ticks! tne LIBERTY & CO., | cet ateae 2 coast’ 8 ‘. G d Ch . Cc Plumber “ph ved Urinals . | all Water-Closets an inals. Style C should be pring Gardens, aring Uross. ~ oe bev eaten, Cattle Pens, mont delicate; is the only oil which does Bole Manufacturers, RIMINCTON BROS. & CO 4, PICTON_PLACE, NEWCASTLE-O Agente Wanted.—Correspondence Invited. Illustrated Circulars Pest Pree charged sufficiently to disin , “Is as nearly tasteless as Cod-Liver Oil can be.” — Lancet, “No nauseous eructations follow after romssong er or | | it is swallowed,”"— Medica! Press ould be fixed to It can be borne and dige: ested by the la ae and for these reasons the cacious kind in use. In cap- Nryneg. Suit botlien only, 1/4, 2/6, 49, & 9/-. Delicious flavour. No digestion needed. Highly nutritious. Always ready. A stimulant without alcohol. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK (PATENT). Unrivalled for nutrition. Fer all whose digestion is weak . invalids, deli- cate children, &c. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK (PATENT) Always available as a Restorative and agree. | Block Tin able beverage. Sizes—2 4 NEW BOND STREET, LONDON, PROPERTI Lz) EX- TRACTING THE: ing ‘IOUS BUBBTAN CES, BUC AS CAFFEINE AND TANNIC . No possible loss of Aroma. M C 6 A L L S Recommended by the highest medical authorities be ay obtained at all the princi furnishing Lronmongers in m. 12 large cups. 76 ACIDS ingdo: ‘“s Of Rolied Nickel e- 12/- /- - Agents for England, Ireland, and Colonies :— SAVORY & MOORE THOS. P. aay & CO., &, Snow Hitt, Lompon, ’ ents for Scotian Rk. WYLIE it LL & CO., Asevit ‘Se, Gtaseow. Allen & Hanburys’ Malt Extract The ‘CRITERION’ CAFETIERE, forms a valuable adjugct to Cod-Liver ARNDT'S PATENT. Extracts by simply filling the upper part with bollin, all the WHOLESOME OF COFFEE Oil, being a powerful aid to digestion Bottles, 2s. and 3s. 6d. water AND PAYSANDU OX TONGUES. Tins, 20. 64. each, obtainable everywhere. THE SPECIFIC FOR NEURALGIA, Tonga COLD MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, 1884. oe an ee Sie sauce. © ONGAL = reatmen LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE. gies cours BALM MATS SEL ‘Sav secccccccecoes “einem DOUBLE-ACTION calculated deceive u a bi Les 6 Fussene beg tedenw attention to the facttnat eftallte le oP Ee ok cases in Sele as proved ARMY REVOLVER, each bottle of the Original and Gen prescribed it.” Oyo ye , Pee as supplied to H.M. War Depertment 2s. Od. , de a iy om: N WORCESTERSHIRE 8 SAUCE ey i ho a olesaie by the Proprietors, Worcester, Bch« sol for Cookery Caosex pony! lasenenee’ London ; and Export Ollmen Medical Authorities say this Milk is much more wholesume than the Sweetened Milk, Of Grocers, Chemists, &c., at 6d. per Tin. generally. Retail by Dealers in Sauces throughout the World. SWISS bcenne‘conoenseo | cours -rxo Lea erry | "2" PURE MILK. | orn ser aie Wotrsate—i6, ABCHL RC H LANE, EC. States Government NTIER Winchester Magazine Kifle Cartridge, 44 cn! D ealy Coit's Kevolvers are Price List free. ” PISTOL takes the Colt and ore HOUSE REVOLVER, POCKET REVOLVER, for the Vest ket, beat qualit all over the work SHOT GUNB and for India and the Colonies COLT’S FIREARMS Co., |4, Pall Mall, London 5.W BROOKS’ ADAMs’s MACHINE THE OLDEST FURNITURE |“= =~ POLISH. | =" MIILK “Tur Queen” (the Lady's Newspaper) “ NESTLE’S or 6 F INFANTS. fects no | T#® Once PERFECT hesitation in recommending it.” SUPPLEMENT ano Sold by Grecers, lLronmongers, Oilmen, &c. SUBSTITUTE roa e Manufactory—VICTORIA PARK, SHEFFIELD. MOTHER'S MILK. Borwicks BAKING POWDER YR PUD NV Gold 1304 a Bes TO EOD FOR INFANTS ) & OF CHEMISTS &c EVERY i meee and all parts of the World. by the Highest Medical Authorities Prepared at Vevey, Switzerland. Hold everywhere. THE NORMAL \\ DIURETIC (VY IENT Wa FRY’S PURE CONCENTRATED SOLUBLE COCOA Prepared by a new and special scientific process. \\ a \" A VEAL \V Vitex

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocroper 17, 1885. yee r . a" , Lombant 5% = SE vee ee Marr bara i See gs ose tine Gen of Mega, Hang, Bane BSATURDA'Y EVERY PUBLISHED

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} NOTICE.—A NEW HUNTING STORY, by Wannverer, with Illustrations by G. Bowers, zs in the Press, and will shortly be published. OTHER BOOKS bar= zx wu > a fe) w Tt 7) 4 a | Q EIGHTY- NINE. _———— OCTOBER 24, Sp a SE Swe) Tee PUNCH VOLS Riad wet wh MEN AO,» ma ici — om ie 5 eI Ws 7

Ni 1 wa * x My he vi NL . on ‘4s OFFICE 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELL ERS,

SODA WATER, POTASS WATER, Se. 64. per Doz. , SeLtunn WATER | — Cc MA) Cc SRLVERN CELTERR, 40 64. por Dos Wore Gable Waters \ 4. SCHWEP at the General Post Office as a Newspaper.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Ocrozssr 24, 1885. Yt

EW AND POPULAR NOVELS. THE BEAUTY OF THE By A.J. Derrrece. 4 vols A FAIRE DAMZELL. By Eeuz DOROTHY DRAKE By Peepearce HM. Moone 2 vols WHAT'S HIS OFFENCE? By the Author o ad Mise Viemings.” ' vole THE VERGE OF NIGHT. By Peact Gate THE LAW FORBIDS. By Karwsnres Kino HURST & BI THACKERAY’'S PARIS SKETCH BOOK. Thies any is published « People's Edition of the ahove ork, with more than Fifty llustrations, many of them from the original designe of the Author Price ONE #HILLING 3 Om ra, Rupea, & Oe , 16, Waterioo Place ACK ETT, Pubjlishers.

London RUDDER GRANGE. By F BR. STOCKTON. ie ory, sparkiing with Ed4in.: Davin Doveras, ar end Kookata is “A delightfal Wwitand humour tall Booksellers Just Ready, the NOVEMBER Part of “THE SEASON” LADY'S ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE. A DEVOTED TO FASHIONS EXCLUSIVELY JOURNAI Price SIXPENCE Monthly Post Free Bach monthly Part con taing about $00 Lilustra- tions = of os and KN numerous flat Pape: Vatterns. &c ‘THE SEASON,” in ne ad fenens achieved fieeraliy a * nM werid: wide “ reputation as the cheap- ot, most «i excellent Pashlon Papert Edition with Three Beautifully-Coloured Plates end Fatra Supplement containing Novelties and Rew Needlework, \+. Monthly, Post Pree, is 34, Publiaped at 13, Hedlord Street, Covent Garden, W.C., London, and te be obtained from all Book- sellers, Newsvendors, &c. GTAMMERERS Bhowild read a | whe CURED than Turerr Years Green, near Kirmingham THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 1825. BONUS YEAR—1885

and STUTTERERS ttle book written by Mr B. Braster, HIMSELS. after suffering for more Green Bank House, Hall Free for 13 stamps. Accumulated Fund, Millions Sterling ‘pepiaip Apeauje snuog ‘Suyjs9yg suo | Hd 6i EDINBURGH, 3, George St. (Head Office), LONDON, 83, King William Street, E.C. 3, Pall Mall Bast, 8.W. DU BL IN, 66, Upper Sackville Street. Basron Orrvces ae” Aoeweres Iepte aww res Colon tas The Only Gold FOR A MALTED INFANTS THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS SAVORY & MOORE, L & OF CHEMISTS &c EVERY WORE”

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PeSAaaeas UCU j best way to give them a Dickensian taste, is open to question, and Octonen 24, 1885,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — — TOPICS OF TO-DAY. Treated by Dwmb-Crambo Junior. Stormy Meeting of the ServianS- Masaid 0! near. Calling out the kup-tchina. (P)reserves. Small All-’ot-ments. Dis e OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Royalty Restored, in Two Volumes, by Mr, Firzezracp Mottoy. who professes to give us a social history of the Wits and Beauties o the Merry Monarch’s Court. The work is written in a pleasant style, | ‘teed with an affectation of the mannerisms of the period he is } describing, which assimilates fairly well with the quotations from Evstrx, Pepys, and such well-known writers. But i ought to have been a chronique scan , otherwise it } ‘ells us very little with which we were not already acquainted. The the P y letalla of, the Groat Fire, the s of scoundrel, Trrus Oarss, neit a Wit had no place in this social] . t of Cuartzs and his dissolute Court fut throw into the shade the stories of the Regency, then in these ys of memoirs and revelations, we shall pve ore come to look upon the Second Cuances and his friends as much maligned, and to consider whether, by some ty error in History, the Merry Monarch is not a misprint for Monarch. From the expec- ‘ations which Mr. F. Mottor in his preface had raised, we were disappointed with this latest edition of the story of the Beauties As one volume of a most usefal, and in readable series anid The World's Workers, brought out by Messrs. Cassi & Co., a Si¢est daughter of CuaRtes Dickens has published a collection ter per Pog ae father’s life ** most ‘katy, she rY¥- “to : a young people.” e result, at events, their pecceptab e to the grown-up, old, and middle-aged, who know told Be pretty well by heart. and have read all that can be t him in the Life and Letters. Whether this present _ work—a labour of the affection—will lead children to Cuaxtes Dickens's works, or whether this is by any means the } i] | i oni matter of individual ry Oe pee experience. For Id say decidedly not ; course being se revere of what “ Mamie Dickawe”” has attempted, that is to say, such a social | +} Whose groceries have gamely stood What other district doth exist No sweepings figure in its tea, You need not fear, in this retreat To lunch on sirloin that is horse, andSperson -character,*while a knowledge of the | ple, an pe open Ao] read his c stand how natural! ‘a oma to be of so devoted an irer as his own resonate gra recei which red some of us, i y oo are | ‘with or Chimes, or are to ex 0 ones. Pleasant iver coinage, fresh from the ] onder i , with highly coloured illustrations inside, and then the prospect grand festivities in the evening ! Anpiiee vibamead the same series is given up to Harper. The KE (is it ‘“*Mrs.” or “ Miss” ?), and we recommend te one who, wanting to learn all about Composer, is preseed for time, and can only take a turn at 1 for half-an-hour, or so. It is amusing to be reminded that he wrote an Oratorio called Theodora, which the great ladies of the day would not go to hear, story was not sufficiently interesting to suit them. But the plot was evidently not the same as Sanpovu’s Théodora, which Saran BerwHanpt has made her own character, as Haxpet calls his plot ‘a Christian story,” w the French dramatist’s certainly is not. We know very little of Hawpet from himself. He was not a man of letters—very few ; wealth of notes, with which the world satisfied, Solomon's Mines, by Riper Hacoarp. What a weird name! It sounds like a sort of first cousin to Rogue Riderhood, only infinitely more tragic and grim. What awfully overpoweringly thrilling works ought to come from the brsin of a man with such a name as this. I regret that Mr. Dums Cramno Junior is not on the spot to furnish us with a faney portrait of rue” Riper Hacoarp. Post equitem sedet atra cura must be his motto, However, what we have to do with, just now, is his latest book called Solomon's Mines. This cught to have been worked up into as powerful a romance as Treasure Island, But the promise of its commencement is not fulfilled. There is a false ring about the narrative, which deprives it of that absorbing interest which ought £0 to master the reader that he cannot put aside the book for a°moment until he has reached the end, and learnt how the heroes have escaped. The introduction of a low comedian into it (Oh, Rimer Hacearp! not up to your own name by any manner of means!)—a naval officer with an eye-glass and gutta-percha collars—is a mistake, as forced humour must always be. Then the almanack and the eclipse, among savages, have done similar service on several previous occasions, while a parallel can be found for the use made of the Lieutenant’s false teeth, in somebody’s wig in an Indian tale (the name of which does not recur to us at the moment ; but, by the way, what a good title—Somebody’s Wig!) where the would-be sealper is terrified by all the hair coming off in his hand, while the soalped one remains in the best possible health and spirits Solomon's Mines, all the same, is worth reading. It is clever; if anything, it is just a bit too clever. But in future please don’t forget at your name is Rrpen Hacearp, and “ write as sich.’”’ Yes, Sir, if there is anything in a name, you ought to have been the Author of The Headless Horseman. A VERY SPOTLESS SPOT; Or, The Real Hygeia, “Dr. Trpy, the Medical Officer of Health for Islington, states in his Report that of the 113 specimens of food, submitted in the course of the year for analysis, not one was adulterated or contained anything injurious to health.””— Daily Paper. O nappy Townlet, oy to Town! em mother of Re herd 8 Bee Her ill-used product quite devoid Of all impurity ! Here e’en the goodies children suck Are unadulte And some undoctored brand of wine Seems specially created. An Officer of Health! Why, sure, This place can hardly need ’un, And Merry Islington henceforth Must change its name to Eden, O Islington the The analytic test ; Whereof it may be said No bone-dust in its bread ? Of virtue which will wash, Or butter that is “* bosh.” * perusal of the books: leadsto an inquiry into the writer’s private Tue Reat “ Borrer Srate.’”’—Old Bachelordom. hed O% LXExry, 8

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DYNAMICS. “Waat, Tre your Sasa Acaiy, Mouty! Times. You must Tig if yoursstr!” “How can I, Aunty! J’ iv Frowr!” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL I'vB TIED IT ALREADY Four {Octopmr 24, 1885, ——, , KING THEEBAW. “The King [Tueenaw), it is said, refuses to make any on, | cession. If the refusal is not withdrawn, he must cease i, bes King.””—Standard. Kine Tuexnaw’s a shocking fellow, Far too long has had his fling, Drinks and gets extremely maliow— He must cease to be a King. He has murdered his relations, On adjacent trees they swing ; That ’s the way with savage nations— He must cease to be a King, He is crueller than Nero, Like a tiger he will spring ; Not by any means a hero— He must cease to be a King. Now he’d stop all British trading, Unto bankruptcy would bring Folks who deal in bills of lading— He must cease to be a King. All his subjects gladly gather Underneath the British wing ; Off with TueEBaw then—or, rather, He must cease to be a King! | | SHORT ANECDOTE BY BEN TROVATO. Tue other day, Mr. J. C. H-nst-y, R.A., entered «| music-shop. He is an excellent musician, and a great| admirer of the works of Hanpet and AzENE. “T want,” he said to the Shopman, “I want to se| some old songs of aboutacentury ago. I cannot sing the | old —- myself, but wish to make a selection for | friend.” The Shopman paused thoughtfully; then shook his) head, and replied, ‘* Very sorry, Sir, we haven’t any old songs in stock; | but I can show you some of our new ditties, if you car But before he could finish the sentence, Mr. H-2s.-r drew back horrified, exclaiming, ‘‘ Nudities!” And, darting‘such a look at the man as ought to have shriveled him up on the spot, he strode out of the shop. THE MARES AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE, Wett, I must say as I feels werry sorry for the cumming Lord Mare, having to foller on such a dubble-barrelled steepel-chaser as his predesesser. He'll have to put up one or two hextra Staples to keep him all right and tite. Wota of glorious Bankwets have preceded each other without paws, month after month and weak after weak. Lords follers Commons, as is natral, and Jad follers Common Counselmen, which ien’t, and Bi comes after Bankers, which they shouldn’t, and Gills follers up Her ays Ministers, which they shood: and then, as a winder up, we all the Mares and Maresses of the hole united Kingdom—as it ort to be, but isn’t—a commin hundreds of miles to a grand Ball, and all deck- orated with such massiy reel gold chanes as, I was told, if all linked together, wood have been strong enuff to have wayed the anker of a 70 pound three Master, and long enuff to have from the Lor Courts in the Strand to Mr. Arremsurrow’s the Porn Brokers at the corner of Chancery Lane! Habsent Homen! And let me say this for them afore I goes any furder, that a finer or a bigger or a helthyer locking set of gentlemen I have never seed henter the onerd Manshun | ouse since Sam of us well-seesoned atendents, as we now calls ourselves, who | has had a large experience of the effecs of en iastick dinners on enthousiastick gents as has been a travelling all day, was a leetle afeard as the gests mite have looked jest a leetle y and sleepy wen they marched in about eleven o'clock. But no, they wun and all looked as brite and as kean and as intellygent as if they had jest cum out of the conventual ban-box, tho they wood suttenly have ~ —— a hextry big ‘un. ‘here was wun fine-looking Mare and his good-looking Maress, and their brite-looking Dorter, as looked capital spessimens of our northen countys, so I was of course surprised to hear as they come from South sh The Gy dramattick perfession was there to give ’em all a arty welcome. Mr. Onousrvs Agkis worlst away with a charmin er as if he quite bleeved it to be in accordance with Human fust waited in the Egipshun All of dazzling light. M ‘atur, Mr. Jomw HoLirnesep was there two with his beautiful dorter, and Mr. Banecrort was as conspickuous as usual. I was glad ts) overhear him tell a delited Common Counsel Man that he had net | given up the Stage, but only the handling of the ribbons, witeh | should have thort wood have been better left to his better harf, but praps upon the whole he’s right. The Lord Mare looked partickler fresh and brite at about harf-pat two, hay hem. Ashe had only had his istrate’s work to do, and go to three or four meetings and attend a great public dinner as the st of the hevening, and then to receive about a thowsand wiser ter on, of course that was rayther a slack day for him. There wu wun thing as struck all us Waiters w strong, and that was the te call for Corffee, another bad sine of the progress of tea- unacy we all thort, till we rememberd as all the gents had jest om from the dinner-tabel, witch consoled us. They all spoke werry well of the maynu and the wines, but froms lance I got of one as was left on the tabel with my egsperienced eyt, on searce look upon it as quite hup to our | un House I think as I noticed a hutter habsence of foi grar. The wines‘# might ha’ been holder without no fear of dotage. I wasii amazed at dishcovering that there was no less three reel ares! My only wunder is that our own hollowed Coporashun heve allowed it. They always was a libberal set, but I wunders as they didn’t draw the line at One Lord Mare, One and indiwizabel. bot told me as there was only one Irish Mare present and he was Wot could have kept em away? Was it gelosy, or mal der eons unsisterly disaffection, or was they persuaded by Mr. Boycott’ nose? Of course there’s no acounting for taste, nobody ae but I thinks of the too, I ’d rayther be a umbel hed Waiter where I liked, and buy and sell as I liked, and ginerally does IE than to be even the prowd Mare of Cork or of ygal, but the constant su hun of prying Mr. Boycott. And this I a is what they calls Ome Rule. I sumtimes thinks as we de gits quite ome rule enuff in this ’ere blessed country, the land ot brave and the fre, but we ain't allers being a follered about to s * houses we gos into for a drink, and then to be told 0 oe serve us coz of Mr. Boyoott. I hopes as we shan’t find Sir if

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fans ace ying of the same little game, tho I rayther thinks as his | line at Wallses for a portly and dignifide and chained Mare, and so frend Mr Hopshun must be a we ’em di ’ . rry near naybour of Mr. | they most on’em did. Of course there’s allways a few exseptions to Boreott, \all good rules, and there was there, but they was mostly confined to eT od now and then into the Ball Room from our little corner, little burrows and fishy Ports, so was easily owerlooked and did was to see that the stately Mares confined theirselves to not much interfere with the ong sarmbel as the says, which ¢ and such-like dances, and the rayther too affecsionate | was sertainly uneek. We broke w qhont 2, en 1 ens gieapal to Gio allses to the and lees’ dignified ofishals, such as Common from a glance at the Hat Plate whatever they were in Politics : Town Clerks and setterer. when at home, the Municipple gests wen at the I don’t no as I’m werry partickler, but I suttenly shood draw the Libberal to a man, vole Manshun House was Rosert.

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LL PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Ocropen 24, 1885. (“* Traps” sounds unpleasant. ‘‘ Traps for Tourists ”"—as most show | A SHORT HOLIDAY CRUISE. places are. But MELLEVILLE, of course, yuetne “ vehicles ””}—an4 | Dramatic changes—Weather—Ballachwish—Hotel—Misery— The | goat we shall have one te oursslves—not with other damp tourist 1 ry te 1 ore ge a The coach arrives. The two damp young Frenchmen show som Avfal Val A at Le End of Crui signs of alacrity in climbing up on the roof. The other “ dismal wy ong 4 Sea mias of Cruise. Jemmies”"—I call the lot dismal Jemmies and Jemimas—come out Dramatic change of scene. Last night murky, this morning bril- | slowly, as if suffering from cramp and rheumatism, and grumbling liant. We rise with the lark—or’ say the sea- ii—and leaving the | all the time (no wonder!), are, some of them, hidden away inside yacht, Norseman, R.A., in the bay, we are off to the Scotch place | while the weakest of all, physically unable to secure inside places, with the Irish name—Ballachuish. are hoisted up aloft, where the rain will finish them, I should say. Scene I.—Fine breeze, lovely weather. Now we sail with the/ Oh, the pleasures of touring! __ gale, &c. We ean have one open trap with two horses and driver. It is, Scene [l.—Weather beastly : gusts from the mountains. wi tte; and, wrapped up in waterproof capes, coats, and caps, - Loch Leven.— ouring. No use stopping on oe Let pa witha Slerpeet rug over ome Bnet we na Sprenees inside, Of ELLEVILLE proposes, “ interview prorietor hotel, get | we go. ataday! Rain pelting on us, and driving at us! Gusts a trap to take us to see the Pass of Glencoe.” of wind which threaten to stop the horses with a facer and to knock By all means. Carried nem. con. Forp-Bamity says it is just the | the driver backwards on to the rug that’s over our knees. Fox. very day for seeing the Pass of Glencoe, as i+ to be oho BaMLyY repeats, more than once, and quite tly, that “ This is speaks of the as if it} the very sort of day for seeing the Pass.” But he buries himself ix —in the | his cape and sou’-wester, and not until there is a lull of five minutes | is is} does his head emerge. MeLtEvitie is the only one who braves the | storm, in a yachting cap, a high waterproof collar touching his ears, | and his pince-nez defying the elements. The Composer has diss peared, and admires as much as he can of the scenery through oy page of his 7 5 oy niece ; or my own protection ve a waterproof, a cap of the same material, with a curtain all round it, fastening under the chin. | When thus arrayed, I look like the B Knight (waterproofed) in Ivanhoe. It is effective, theoretically ; but though it protects the ears, it strikes so intensely cold a-top, that I feel as if I were going about with a wet sponge on the crown of my head ; and as the wind will blow up between the fastenings of the cape, I find myself sitting | im a system of thorough draughts; while the stuff being the most expensive and of the very lightest texture, so as to allow it to be called a ‘‘ pocket waterproof,” or some delusive name of that sort, has invariably gone with a rent—like a ya my tenant—when- | ever the slightest opposition has been off by my accidentally treading on the skirt as I am mounting anywhere, or by my catching on something sharp—a very unpleasant situation—as I am descend- | ing, say from the pont oe sig, and 80 ge pobre fancy openings not inc in original bargain, an ure just below the middle of my back which takes in as much water u a portion of my under-coat can conveniently carry. However, ve are all in the same boat—the only occasion when we are not in the | same boat, og Oe way, but all in the same carriage, and we try to come out as Mark Tapleys, and be at our very best and jovialest. The driver k is head down, as if he were butting at the weather with his hat, and volunteers no information. Presumably, | he is the guide, so being all pretty well up in our Munnay’s History of the Pass of Glencoe, we determine to obtain more precise details on the spot. The Composer, who thinks there is a fine subject here for , a Dramatic Cantata, after carefully sheltering himself with his leit arm holding a bit of his big cape as if he were afraid that the drivr (1 ; i ladies man, a party of wra) 4 x rE § 3 Pt Bir William Waterproof, the Black Knight. f E altogether. Patients waiting in present a cheering s miserable tourists. ey seem ty, which had gradually dwindled away wi paying ill, | was going to turn round and hit him, looks up obliquely, and asks, eaving the feeblest, and probably the wealthiest, as security for “ Isn't this where the Mac Ian? &c.” To which the driver, slightly amount. One or two, here and there, like flies at the turning his head towards CuLiins, only replies, quietly, ‘* Aye, Sir. are doddering about the large sitting-room, to which not even MELLEVILLE sees a ruin, which must have some connection with | recently-lighted fire, struggling to look bright and cheerful in the | the awful story of Glencoe. “ Is that,” he asks the driver, “ Is thst mest depressing circumstances, can impart any idea of warmth or| where Hamitton, &., &o.” And again the driver most civilly comfort. ; a —, Aye, Sir, yes.” He confirms all our guesses, which proves There are also two young men in the hall, sitting immo to us how thoroughly we have mastered the history of the place and | their luggage, and ae ont with yearning gaze for the long-ex- | its phy. e drive on for some time: asking various questions | pected coach that is to take them away forever. They are dressed and reseiving the same unvarying answer. At last it occurs to me | in perfectly Scotch Tourist Suits, carrying waterproofs, um-| that either the driver wants to get the journey over, and is the brellas, and stout crooked-handled sticks for climbing. I — to | fore uncommunicative, or that he is not quite so well up in the subject hens hom ong to one ancien, that io a De heart = as We are, an Fae wo exsive eGo most desolate, ae om a , with rain po own on everything inspiring part of t > im, in quite a matter-of- everybody cold, dam . dreary, “ Sawpre mon, but it’s jest tt Does the band play here ev evening P” He turns round sharply a wee bit moist. I am ly surprised when the more | with a suspicious ‘‘ Eh?” and [ repeat the question gravely. No, Sootch, if possible, of the two says to his friend, in a subdued tone, | he answers, hesitatingly, regarding me askance, ‘‘ No, there’s no band : Dis done, ugene, saver-vous d quelle heure part-il, le—comment plays here.” ‘“‘ But,” I continue, as if astonished at his reply, “ how sappelle-t-l?” “ Le Co-atch,” suggests the other, which the first | do they amuse themselves here, then ? Aren’t there any theatres, speaker coments as correct, and continues, ‘‘Ouwi—le Coatch —’’ | concerts, or fireworks ?” eal * Le bateau?” says his friend mournfully, ** Ou—” He looks down at me over his shoulder, considers awhile as if try: gives him the required information. hether he had ever heard of the existence of These two young Frenchmen, what could they have been when at i i he replies, home? Gay Parisians? What brought them here? The love of ; identl travel, or the wish to ascertain for themselves if all had heard | i meg tt | dap ag t, = hee I'me - Siem wand this is foo frat Cm as ever A eome again. i _l’ma r in , and thi e my eyes when I thought them Scotchmen on their own native heath, here at all.” and their name Macgregor; but now I know to what nationality they belong, they seem to me to be doubly, nay trebly miserable. Never did I see two such unlively Gauls. MELLEVILLE informs us that the traps will return presently— i tt

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iat | @ TEs | "FFRAE ee a eT eoRe SS Svs rs se date ee en ae Octoser 24, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL 197 he had been rather trusting to us, as we seemed to know all about it. Does be know sup we amet Not a bit; he is a and cast down, so to speak ws himself on our mercy, hopes we won't shoot him. “Has he never heard,” asks the Com 7 | coming right up on end, as it were, like a Jack-in-the-box, suddenly, | and dheheving ames Vows indignation, ‘‘ Has he never heard | of the Massacre of Glencoe?” No, the driver hasn’t; this is, he abjectly repeats, most abjectly, the first time he’s ever been here ; but if we like he ’ll ask where it is (meaning the Massacre, which he pebelly Cle eae ee call on the road) as we go * . ° * * * Storm increased. A heavy sea on in Loch Leven. The gig is pitched and tossed, so that we have to hold on tight when we get alongside the yacht, and the gig is shot up in the air high enough to bump against the other boat suspended on the davits, and then comes down again with a 2 into the waves. We have each separately to choose our moment for being chucked up in turn on to the deck, where we are caught in the arms of the Captain and First Mate. Dinner compensates for all; and, full of Glencoe and its horrors, we drink confusion to the memory of Witt1am the Dutchman, and wish he had been the Flying Dutchman, and confusion generally to the memory of everyone who had a hand in that diabolical work. Next Morning.—Another dramatic change. It is still pouring. We purpose fishing. All are dressed as Dirk Hatteraicks, when suddenly out comes sun, up dries deck, a fair wind, a lovely day, off go wan we are once more in ordinary costume and under weigh. To Canna, to shoot the seals. Progressing beautifully. Suddenly the Composer comes below, and, with a disturbed expression of coun- tenance rts that the Captain in reply to a question about Canna, has said “he canna go.” This is not a joke it appears, but a fact. There are nautical reasons which I am unable to comprehend ; who is clearly annoy: ORD-BaMLY looks solemn, the Composer bewails his ill-luck being a second time done out of shooting seals—by which sport I rather fancy he entertained some visio’ hopes of making a large fortune, and retiring for life,—and I, taking it philosophically, begin to inspect my maps and see where I will go to instead of Canna for the inder of a short holiday. The Yacht’s course is altered. We are going South. I elect to set down in Lamlash Bay, off Arran, thence by steamer to the main- land, then, v4 Kilmarnock and Carlisle, up to London, and then by Dover and Calais to Mayence, to come down the Rhine and see how it looks immediately after a fortnight among the Scottish Isles. For one night we put {up in Lowlander’s Bay, pronounced Lolo- man’s Bay, which I well remember on aformer occasion. The Com- poser has not yet written that song about Loloman’s Bay, which was to have handed his name down to posterity, as Disprn Janior. He has chosen his beautiful subjects, ‘‘ Loloman’s Bay,” and the ‘“‘ Spinnaker Boom.” He says the sort of thing he wante—‘' Dispiw wrote his own words,” he reminds me—is this :— The Frenchmen (or any other people if this isn’t popular) came down in terrific array, To fight with the British in Loloman'’s Bay—Loloman's Bay ; To fight with our sea-dogs in Loloman’s Bay. We none of us care about the introduction of ‘‘sea-dogs” and “ British,” but the Composer says it is only the idea of the sort of thing required, and that the finish should be :— “ The moon was full up when we got under weigh, And left all the Frenchmen in Loloman’s Bay.”’ He thinks it would do for Srus Reeves or Santiey. More chance as a Baritone for SanTLEy, as Sims Reeves seems to stick to ‘‘ The Bay of Biscay” and *‘ Tom Bowline.” The ‘‘ Spinnaker Boom” he would treat heroically, thus :— - He—anybody—a pirate or buccaneer, the Composer explains—‘“ it doesn’t matter who ‘He’ is.” We agree that it doesn’t, and Composer recommences :— ‘* He bounded on deck little knowipg his doom, So I knocked him flat down with the Spinnaker Boom.” “Tt couldn’t be done,” objects Forp-Bamy, in a matter-of-fact wa y. “I don’t say it could,” retorts the Composer. you the idea of the sort’of verses I want to compose for.” goes on :— ‘* They buried him sadly, and wrote on his tomb, ‘ Just killed by a blow from the Spinnaker Boom.’ ” CULLINS then gives us several i of the kind of music he will write for the song when fini We join in a chorus, and, having had a musical evening, all retire, hamming. | ; ight. Mull of tyre. At mid- Spots pasate te te Sat ing us. like fiendish giants sailing **T’m only giving en he & g 5 Sf | i F but whatever they — | bs they do not quite satisfy MELLEvILLy, | | in the | Stew along on the back of a monster duck, which had been badly wounded in the middle of the body, where it exhibited a bright red mark that seemed to tinge"the era as it went by slowly and silently. LN Phantom Shapes at Sea. After this—and rather expecting the Sea Serpent to follow—I retire. But not to rest; oh dear, no. The Mall of Cantyre says sleep no more. Never was such a Mull! No sooner am I dropping off than I hear the word “’Bout!”—and about we go~ flopping, rolling, then pitching, heaving, banging, whopping. T um Am out of my berth: I clutch at the side. Just beginning to think that can at last get some sleep, when bout we go again, and I am rolled over on to the other side. After four turns, I get up, fall out some- how, and attempt to re-make the bed. It isa struggle: but I think I have made aslight improvement. I bide my time, and then in again, holding on. No distinct notion till to-night of what “ taking forty winks” meant. I never got more sleep than this graphically describes, for I never succeeded in beeing my eyes —the seconds of rest were literally ‘‘ winks.” ‘‘ Wink,’ I am aware, is the abbreviated form of ‘ periwinkle,” and just time to take forty winks might have come to mean, nautically, the time occupied in extracting that number of winks out of their shells with a pin—a tedious operation, which I should say would rather represent a period of forty minutes. I only wish that in this sense I could get forty winks. But it is im- sible. We are on ‘‘ short tacks” all night, and each short tack is like a nail driven into my coffin. I make up my bed five times to-night, and on each occasion it is rather worse than it was before. I remember the proverb, ‘‘ As you make your bed, so you must lie on it,” and appreciate it thoroug ly. ** Lie on it” I may, and must—but to sleep on it is an impossibility. Mall of Can tire, indeed! It evidently can tire me! At last, about seven a.m., I fall asleep, and dream that I am in an old-fashioned four-post bedstead ; then, somehow, going through no walls or doors, but merely ‘‘ somehow,” I am wafte through the air, still in night-attire, among branches of trees, at which I clutch occa- sionally, until I find myself Rutieneg Gove the heads of some people on to an old-fashioned landing outside the room where I am supposed to be asleep in the old-fashioned four-poster. Then someone coming up-stairs, a chambermaid, I think, who holds her hands before her face, as if inexpressibly shocked, which quite astonishes me up in the air, exclaims, ‘‘ How can you, Sir! You ought to be ashamed of ourself!” and 1 am about to explain that it is no fault of mine that am flying about in this costume, and that I wouldn’t of my own accord offend anyone’s feelings for worlds, when somebody else says, ** Half-past seven, hot-water, Sir,” and, opening my eyes, 1 see the . He informs me that we are much where we have been for the last five hours, but that breakfast will be as usual. It isn’t as usual, as we form acute les to the table, and are in generally uncomfortable and absurd ions. However, wind and serve our turn at last, and, about ten hours or so later than we had expected, we come to an anchor in Lamlash Bay, and go on shore to inspect that lively watering-place. Scotch weather set in: more rain, more Mac- intoshes, and more Macmisery. The pier of Lamlash in the rain with luggage, damp passengers, cattle, cattle-drivers, boatmen, an baggage, is a delightful place— y for Ladies, But, Farewell, Bonnie Scotland! Away to foreign shores! Parnell and his Plank. “My P me has only one Plank,” says Paxwett, ** And that’s Independence.” Delightfully frank! But in old Naval days,—some remember them well,— The Mutineer’s doom was galled ** Walking the Plank”’!

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“ The Vampire Bat (V'. Spectrum), hovering over its victim with quiver- ing vin. descends and fans him gently as it breaks his skin and draws his yod."” life- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octoser 24, 1885,

Bi r? a ¥ , a va + wig Ni MN = athe

\ ¥ ul ih | aA ia yo ik | \¥ Y Ni \ ! < =i) THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Deaf Old Gentleman, ‘‘Tax ConVERSATION SEEMS VERY AmusING, MY Dean. WHAT IS IT ALL ABouT?” Hostess (fortissimo). ‘‘ WHEN THEY SAY ANYTHING WORTH REPEATING, Granprapa, J’LL reLL you!”

THE IRISH “VAMPIRE.” Poor Erin! Ghoul-beset and -haunted Has been thy path, pale victim, from the first. Undying charms by many singers chaunted Are thine, but shadowed by some spell accurst. By foe beset, by friend betrayed for ever ; Deceived when trusting, and when hostile foiled ; In thy hot haste discriminating never, And through thy love despoiled ! Succubus stealth and vampire united, Now in new shape thy troubled drowse molest ; Sad semi-sleep by visions dire ted ; The fatal fanning of perfidious e fatal fanni ious pinions Lall thee to oplate slumber, whilst beneath Sinister stupor’s deadliest of dominions Creeps on the eruel death. Va palsied jo, for fas fiendish flutter Jt harpy wings udeth repose, Bat subtle life-sap and exhaustion utter ! Those winnowing bat-wings are thy ruthless foes, Lulling but lethal. Wake, and banish quickly The hideous death that o'er thee hovering hangs, Before there comes, through night-fears mustering thickly, The piercing of the fangs. Twill suck thy strength’s last remnants; drain the sources Of beauty left thee after many tears ; Arrest the rallying of thy long-strained forces. The crescent brightness of the coming years Those ghoulish wings eclipse; beneath them Late okening hopes they Sey Rouse, Brin, ronse frem this ~yi-t -\-1.4 And bid the Vampire fly ! A TIP TO STATISTICIANS, Iw the interest of the Public Health, Mr. Punch considers that we want a new sort of statistics. We are instructed as to the Death Rate, and the comparative prevalence of different diseases. But as regards the real origin of disease, and the actual cause of death, we are generally very much in the dark. The number of deaths from rheumatic affections there are means of di ing. But who can tell us what proportion of these are due—for muuie-te damp and draughty Hansoms? If this information could be made public, we might, perhaps, not have to wait until the Greek Kalends—as we seem likely to have to do in t circumstances—for that simple bat long-delayed boon, a clean, comfortable, and non-homicidal Cab! is is only one instance. The wide range and the practical advantage of such statistics must be immediately obvious. They would be an invaluable weapon in the hand of the practical re- former. Fancy such an announcement as this, ‘‘ Forty deaths in week from damp cab-cushions,” or untrapped drains, or conngity theatres, or “‘ doctored” drinks, or jerry-built houses, or milk, or any one of a hundred other remediable mischiefs! How it would set the public talking, the reformers investigating, and the inventors scheming'! Here ’s a chance for the men of tables ond evesnges, and particularly for the “passionate statistician,’

** Good Words!” ** Exexisn, I own, is the best of all ton id Says Justox M‘Canruy, that stout Anti on ; Yet he bullies Jouw Butt, and his optics up-bungs And all Ireland’s woes lays our countrymen’s on. Is it just in you, Justin, or e’en fairly using us, best of all tongues” to use but in abusing us?

a ~ - eens es Cae of the Excueqver desires acknowledge one-~ a halfpenny postage-stamp

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mi | z >. <2) a= —_ = ——— —_ = —_ } 4 IRISH “V THE PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocronsr 24, 1885.

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PF BR oO 6 BANS ee Be eee ee save ee Ser

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Ocrose 24, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

’ er 4 7 17, p Vi f My y foal if ) ign: i Cottager. *‘On, Doororn, I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE COME. SA m POS Tl had J. <_S Wy yj, G { A, Yi f, ,, , 1 Wf YUH, Ui, UY \ GY} : Cy Vif hj Yf WY & f y “pag J) /// f yf y COMFORTING! Mars. HARKER HAS HAD svCH A VERY Bap Niout!” Doctor. ‘*A Bap Nicut, ra? Ha, WELL, KEEP HER QUIET,—AND MIND SHE GRTS SOME NICE SLERP THIS AFTERNOON !” [ Rides off to the Meet with a clear conscience.

NEITHER FOR CHOICE, Iy view of the approaching Election of School Board Candidates, the following correspondence, continued from a daily paper, will be read with interest :— Siz,—In reply to ‘‘ Aw Inqurrine Corossus,” who would be “ glad to know that every child in need of education could be furni if necessary, with a couple of seats and an arm-chair, at every Board School in the three ms,” 1 have only to ask him whether he thinks the intelligent British Ratepayer will stand any outlay for ad- dition to the already superabundant accommodation vided : to meet all the educational necessities of the country. Why, Sir, what do statistics show? Take the Board School for this District. Here we have a magnificent Hall, luxuriously appointed, and supplied with, 1 am informed, a of eminent native and foreign professors, three- fourths of which is oceupied daily by empty benches. And yet there is a clamour for still further accommodation. Now, if I had my wa I would shut up and sell all this useless educational lumber, ps | tac the proceeds on to the credit side of the local rates. What is the meaning of it all? I ask. Where are we drifting to? Mr. Cuam- BERLAIN wants all education free. Well, I would haveit free; free for the parents to leave it or let it alone, and until some move is made in this and soon there must be, it is clear there will Yours indignantly. A Barris RaTepayer. Six,—I have read with some interest the cumrenpendencs thet bes dy appeared on the subject of the London 1 Board Ex- penditure, and, as one who has taken an active part in the discussion of the various measures that have come up before that body from time to time for deliberation, I may perhaps be permitted to speak with some authority on the subject. It is not true, as your Corre- spondent “ Owg-aND-TENPENCE IN THE PounD,” asserts, that this sum is the limit which will be chargeable to the Ratepayer. On the contrary, the Board has a wide and sweeping scheme in hand that will materially raise the amount levied moderate figure.

Nor is it true that we are satisfied with the existing accommodation, which is equal only to about 25 per cent. in excess of that absolutely required. We propose authori the erection of buildings sufficient to provide for the wants not only of the present, but of the coming generation, and we shall fearlessly appeal to the Ratepayers to find the sinews for this wholesome and important work. With regard to the ae me of a Persian Professor double- somersault- throwing, at a of £1200 a year, I certainly voted for that item, as I consider the physical and moral training of the youn intimately connected ; and, though it was not ultimately im i returned, as, with this programme, I eqamaentiy cape to be, at the forthcoming election, I am in hopes of being able to introduce it on some future, and more auspicious occasion, ; I have the honour to be, Sir, your Obedient Servan Ay Ovrcoine Member OY THE Srn,—Is there no possible medium between blind nig, the one hand, and reckless expenditure on the other, alternative but to choose between those who would let to the dogs rather than pay an extra halfpenny in = po. and those who would bring about the same result making the financial ARD, on have we no education go b oke intolerable? Bi issues, in a wider , ha ust now . be at stake, but ag ms day or two the =. are called on, as they will be, to select their Educational tatives, let them keep their eye on the ‘ Moderates,” which is the advice of Yours faithfully, Tue Man witn tue Vore,

A Wail in Wales. (By an Old True Blue Tory.) Mowmovrn and Macedon! Oh, by St. Jingo, Mi: Saissury, what a heath falling short ! In mt tae of Beaxy’s hot Imperial Stingo, A draught—with borrowed brand—of thin New Port!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 22. eet (OE ” a cal j dry ~> ware } ay Oo Ate — | =a nL Tt V/A i wy swan se (SF AT CHARING CROSS STATION. RarLwaypom ! Marvellous realm! Behold one of its knottiest centres ! Abandon all hope—of calm ease—whosoever its labyrinth enters. Minos — there, to the right,—Raapamanruus he rather resem The pompene 6 supreme Great Panjandrum at whom’even Parliament With fear—or with laughter—the great Sir E. Warxm! Just look at his attitude. He's > of all he surveys, and expects our unquestioning gratitude. A little bit anxious, perchance, as he stands with ,his hands in his pockets, For shares in these very bad times are not quite all ascending like rockets. Behind him, the chaos of crowding and crushing poor creatures intent on, The smart Traffic Manager stands, which his name, as all know, is Mries Fewron ; His Dep. dd his side, M. D. Trrwarrr. t The anc Great Gan of Explorers, whose motto is, ‘‘ On, STANLEY, on go! Before ae low w bowing to Punch is the Gallic Paul Pry—no offence The Butt sketching ‘nae Max O’Rett, he has only just made a commencement, In Vf ae of Jomx, who is not to be plumbed with a Or summed inan epigram; sketches axe’chie, but an artist must linger. In front, “‘ off again” to Behind, we | ao ig that is bland, appears Tsene, almond-eyed an No oe, ~ | the wild charivari and' chaos by which he’s sur- Next, = whom nought now can astound in this world from Bhag- ad to—say, Merton, Whoo lif full of marvels has been as Arabian Nights, the great URTON. Close a the artist mean satire by such’ a quaint juxtaposi- Ex- ‘Libera, late Kwarcusvtt-Hvorssen, soul of uncertain con- And 7 fortuitous title, Lord Brasovrye, who writes fairy mead an allowed by the Whigs, nor indeed, up to now, by the To fill his tre rile, ruling England! Count Mttssrer is seen in the Then Brassey, as bright as the Sunbeam, the peaked yachting cap Speak apd the cheer of him sweet on the brin vy; Let's hope hi he’ll find time, at odd moments, to ew sharp eye 00 Next a ~~ mysterious nondescript ERRineToy, trim and touristical » onl Nothing about him ‘suggestive of “ways that are dark sop " Should wear « cloak and a cowl, but appears to be fairly contented With cape and . billyoock ; sight that must drive Irish Members wd

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—_—_— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Ocroser 24, 1885.) ‘ DESIRABLE!” KNow ‘GLEN Accson’? Driver. ‘‘ AYE, WEBL.” Saxon Passenger (who had just bought the Estate), ‘‘ Waat sont ov A PLACE 18 171” Driver. ‘‘ WREL, IF YE SAW TBE D&IL TETHERED ON'T, YE'D JUST sA¥ ‘PuIR Bavre’!” Saxon Passenger (on Highland Coach), ‘‘O¥ couRsE YOU ’BE WELL ACQUAINTED WITH THE COUNTRY ROUND ABOUT HERE. Do you ” Everyone’s favourite next, ‘‘ dear old Farrn,” with his sketch-book. He should know, And does, Railway Stations as well as—say Bettws-y-Coed or Llandudno, Last, in order, but least by no means in the Public's affection and unch’s, The owner of medals in heaps, and the wearer of laurels in bunches, Our gallant-souled General Roperts. The rest is a ‘‘ regular moodle.” “No _ !” the usualcry. The poor Frenchman, wife, daughter, an Back to Town, And, egad ! I am brown, And I’m glad. Here ’s the play, . my . ivery day, At the Club. I don’t miss The hotels, And the Swiss, And the smells, E’en the views, Very nice, I'd refuse, At the price. Now I shan’t Hang my hat Where you can’t Swing a cat. Though I ne’er, Entre nous, Did that there, Nor did you. I have been Everywhere, And have seen | All things fair. Scen the Alps Rising high, With bare scalps, To the sky. e, Are frantic. A Pelion on Ossa of luggage, and no one to take it! The a train just on the start! If Sir E. Aas a heart, this should reak it. For thus, luggage-cumbered and late, must the traveller oft be a tarrier, Unless, like yon Bobby-chased youth, he dares make a bold dash o'er the barrier. Look to it, Olympian Watxry, and earn the sincere commendation Of all — Big ots or Mere Nobodies, flock to the Charing Cross ation ! Paenistoric Man.—At the request of the Lieutenant-Governor, a report has been drawn up by Professor Borp Dawxcxs, F.R.S., on the Antiquities of the Isle of Man. They include Runic crosses, early tombs, habitations, camps, and p of assembly. ‘Tools and weapons of flint, with other relics of the Stone Ages, and various implements, likewise, of the Bronze Age, should also be numbered among the monuments of Prehistoric Man discovered by Professor Dawkins. Of course the learned Professor has pursued his researches amongst the Manx remains in the spirit of a philosopher, impressed with the conviction that ‘‘ the proper study of Mankind is Man.” Coy. Pork THE Lawp Reronmers.—Can a young fellow, embracing his sweetheart, be excused on the ground that he is studying ‘‘ the enclosure of waist spaces” ? rub,” THE RETURN_OF THE TOURIST. A Lilliputian Lyric, Seen Berlin,— Rather slow,— Unter Lin- Blanked the wine, Paid my bill. Left the Spree, Went to France, Tried Paree— Just a glance. Venice, too, Overpraised, Nothing new, Rusk cun’s crazed, | Constanti- -nople shirk, Tourists fly From the Turk. Then Jeru- -salem see,— What a few Jews there be! Rome? Why, it, From tal , Seems a bit Of New York. When in Spat, You are bid Take the train From Madrid. For jast there, Well-a-day ! News will scare Folks away. Thus I’ve spent All my tin, And the rent Will come in. Welcome still Quarter-Day, With a will I can say. For |’m back, And I joke At the black London smoke. After all, When you roam, "All things pall, Saving home, Acigar, My own wine, Better far Than the Rhine. And I swear, No strange land an compare With the Strand.

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THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. V.—From tHe Dertn or Desparn. Hatfield, Monday. EAR Tosy, ANXIRTIES, annoyances, and troubles of various kinds have prevented my writing to Ten. I suppose — are people who, knowing that I am Pr-me M-n-st-r, and (instead of the ordinary hat of civilisation) go about al! day in a coronet, think I am happy! A coronet’s all very well in its way, airy, especially at the top, and to some ple of dark and striking visage coming. But you have to sleep in it at night as well as wear it by day, and that is quite another pair of sleeves, as we say at Chateau Cecil. These things are a parable, dear Topsy, which your keen intelligence will unravel and apply. The fact is, I am not the happiest of men, and sometimes look back with tender longing to the time when I was still a cadet, and used to earn a little pocket-money as a gentleman of the Press. I am popularly regarded as a man of imperious manner, born to lead, and incapable of following. Yet, it has happened that of late years I have been in subjection to a will stronger than my own. There was Breaky for example. You remember how, in my young days, I “went for” D-zzy, pouring out upon him all the bitter scorn I felt, partly patrician and partly moral. Then he came to the front, passed us all, took up an unassailable position, and I bowed my neck to his yoke. That was hard to bear. But there were substantial compensations. Besides, B-c-Ns¥-LD was my elder, a veteran Statesman who had slowly and laboriously won his way into a position of command. But look you, Tosy, at that young R-np-trn, who has me in townow. He is young enough to be my son, and was in jacket and trousers when I was already a power in the State. D-zzy led me with a certain courteous gravity. But this young man hustles me along, first this way, then that, with an energy that leaves everything to be desired in the matters of comfort and courtesy. One never knows where to have him. If he doesn’t have his own way, he immediately sulks and throws out hints of ‘9 =y upon the platform and denouncing us, of which he is quite capable. I live in a constant state of terror, arising from twofold conditions. In the first place I dread some new escapade or demand from R-np-LpH ; beyond that is the constant fear of something happening in Ireland, or a general revolt of the Party. The other day I had a consultation with Cx-ss and Sm-ru, and submitted to them a proposal which will show you how I have fallen. ‘‘ Let us, my friends,” I said, *‘ withdraw from this business, leave the country, and in some foreign land begin afresh. You, Sm-rH, are a man of business, and could turn your hand to many things. R-np-Lpu himself has suggested a pees commercial avocation for you in copartnership with Cx-ss. You might run a store in the Far West, or you’d make a capital clerk in a big hotel, or you might open a bookstall on the Rocky Mountains. There is the making of a capital sehool- master in you, my R-cu-kp; or, if you could sing, you might lead a church choir, or you might do for a beadle, though a little slim in figure. As for me, I have no fear. Without further preparation I am qualified to earn fair wages in a laboratory. I personally conducted the fixing of the Electric light at Hatfield. I can take photographs, and can do a little conjuring. These openings are modest, but they will bring with them peace of mind, and we will never more see R-np-tpn. Let us fly!” 204 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Octoser 24, 1885, They hesitated fora moment and seemed inclined to consent. It was a great price, but there was a «reat prize. After talking it over, however, the proposai was rejected. Cr-ss said: ‘‘ R-wp-Lpx will be sure to find us out, follow us, jeer at me, suppose I got a situation as beadle, fire squibs in Sm-rTH's bookstall, and play the deuce with your eee. **There’s nothing that fellow isn’t eapable of,” said Su-ru, with a little shiver. So here we still are, fighting on under difficulties of which the public have only the slightest notion. To me a crushing defeat at the polls would be the sign of deliverance from a situation becoming daily more insup- portable. I can only beg your sympathy. When you see me upon the public platform thundering forth anathema at the enemy, you will know that my defiant attitude hides a breaking heart, and will drop a tear for Your friend, and Markiss To Tony, M.P., The Kennel, Barks. 8-1-sB-ry, HOW THEY SETTLED IT, “ At the moment of the departure of the Varna mail it is rumoured that the SuxTAn has issued an Iradé approving the resolution of the Council of Ministers regarding the proposals on the Egyptian Question presented by Sir H. b. Wo rr, and that His Majesty will promptly appoint a Commission in the sense reported in my previous telegrams.’”’— Times’ Correspon- dent at Constantinople. Ir having been officially intimated 'that the Mission of Sir H. D. Woxrr to Constantinople has at length come to a favourable termination, there can be no reason why the following, the concluding telegraphic despatches sed between the British Commissioner and Lord ALISBURY, should not be made public :— Sir H. D,. W-iff, Constantinople, to Lord S-l-sb-ry, Foreign Office, London. This Bulgarian business has knocked the ‘‘ Commis- sion” into a cocked-hat. I can get no attention from anyone. It was bad enough before, but now it is simpl outrageous. They don’t even tell me to call again. All I can get from them is that ‘“‘ they don’t know me.” This is very irritating, and renders negotiation quite im- ible. Iam prepared to try anything, but what am todo? Please wire instructions. Lord S-l-sb-ry, Foreign Office, London, to Sir H. D. W-lff, Constantinople. Your telegram to hand. Very confusing. Not being on the spot, cannot tell you what you are to do. Act within your own discretion. Meantime, hint that you have something to say about the Bulgarian business. Perhaps they will let you in on the strength of that. Anyhow try, but do not compromise Her Majesty's Government. Sir H. D. W-liff, Constantinople, to Lord S-l-sb-ry, Foreign Office, 7 \. A thousand thanks for your excellent suggestion. I have tried it with much effect. Tone altered at once. I am tosee Hatrm Pasha after luncheon. Certainly will not compromise Her Majesty’s Government. Suppose you will have no objection to my promising active support as against Russia, Austria, and Germany, and advising opening of Eastern Question by an appeal to force with- out delay. Think of threatening Greece as well. See a fine crop of complications a-head if I follow up this line, but am confident of the result. Sure to be satisfac- tory. Better wire by return if you have anything to add to this. Lord S-l-sb-ry, Foreign Office, London, to Sir H. D. W-iff, Constantinople. Stop! Most unsatisfactory. You must do nothing of the kind.’ Hint what you like, but don’t commit Her Majesty’s Government to anything. It must reserve to itself complete liberty of action. Pray understand this. Let me hear from you at once. Sir H. D. W-iff, Constantineple, to Lord §-l-sb-ry, ‘oreign Office, lon. Very sorry, but your reply turned uptoo late. Have settled everything on the lines indicated in my last. Full particulars will reach you by despatch in ordinary course. Her Majesty’s Government only slightly compro- mised. Never mind. Worth the fore’ Ay Three cheers for the Commission! I’m off to Cairo. ——— €# TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders ST 0 pRINcl] os PEN © an Wl writ WARDED “am 4. and g, BLAIR PursonserD RES aT are re 1 Coll te jp Me [RNS POST- AT Y :t fs y Filanne’s o! Hlanke: to ap hen Wr ware to addres JOHN ESS AN sTRETPO j Od i REVO Ts “PROM: Winchester » § HOUSE DERINGER ; y oils Ke 3 DOUBL ING MA “ T's FIRBA) D MEDALS. LONDON every wher NNEF ACIDITY op Ba DACHE, THE Ni IURI PERIE

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocrosme 24, 1885. 0ST ouT: a PEN ona NEW PRINCI PL The requirements of a FOUN- is PEN Tost = —— ” FLYING DUTCHMAN PEN WL write 300 to 400 words with one dip. wigDED A MEDAL AT INVENTIONS EXHIBITION. je Box, by Post le. id. ; “ oa pe’ er Hox, of all Stationers. sentees: MACNIVEN & CAMERON, 6 BLAIR S’., BDINBURGH (Estd. 1770). to Her Majesty's Government come st MRM. Parncess or Wacus. SOVEREIGN RESS FABRIGS AT WAREHOUSE ———, tfully invited to wi ails “Collection of Patterns of SOVEREIGN pas PA sRIC > for this season's wear, inc. the Newest Materiais in the Pashionable 1 Shades L ee oe paste suit every purse. PAT- LANKETS & FLANNELS AT WAREHOUSE PRIC f all kinds ar 4 enditionah ‘Plala and y Flannels forwarded free toany otevone. P of Blankets on application. ear- aid to a7 addre ese in Great Brishin and fre. ‘When writing please mention “ Powcm,”’ re to addre ape ar letter or p + ty "JOHN CHAMBERLAIN, pes AND ANNEL WAREHOUSE, TRETP ORD ap MANCHESTER. / - ~ coLr’s Oo DOUBLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as supplied to H.M. War Department. COLT’S SINGLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as adopted by the United States Government. Ae FRONTIER PISTOL takes the Colt and t Mazazine Rifle Cartridge, -44 cal. RE , 7 ket; best qualit all over the world. « s ‘ee. 8 FIREARMS Co., 4, Pall Mall, London, 8. W. MEDALS—DUBLIN, 1882; BOSTON, 1883; LONDON (INT. EXHIBITION), 1884, SR JAMES MURRAY'S ‘INDIGESTION, HEARTBURN, GRAVEL, AnD LUID MAGNESIA. , Temple Street, Dublin, s, Pa manatee Street. London. Goddard's By) | sowo Plate Powder | | MERO URIAL. The BEST y : “LE for CLEANING SILVER. 6O Te, 4c. FOUR GOLD MEDALS & awarded. everywhere, in Boxes, ls., 28. 6. 4s. 64. NNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. ACIDITY op rue STOMACH, HEARTBURN, 2ADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. Act Cuswists. \ THE NORMAL IURETIC PERIENT FITMENTS. SITTING ROOMS AND BED ROOMS TASTEFULLY AND INGENIOUSLY FITTED, So as to secure the maximum of convenience and comfort which any given space is capable of affording. COLLINSON & LOCK and JACKSON & GRAHAM, 76 to 80, OXFORD STREET, W. STERLING SILVER. ELECTRO SILVER. TABLE KNIVES. SPOONS AND FORKS. WHOLESALE PRICES. CATALOGUES FREE. MAPPIN & WEBB, MANUFACTURERS, POULTRY, CITY (Mansion-House Buildings) ; and OXFORD ST., W.; LONDON, fi 572078 (a aay: ES. PORTABLE. FOR COAL! s fe es ge itneat attention Por an eet In use ay o , 112, Vicronts Sr. AuneOU ”o LINE ST princioa Perfumers vulee Aaraiere Horas Bo wits BAKING POWDER LIQUEUR of the GRANDE CHARTREUSE || This excellent Liqueur, great ventive of fevale Attnke oft alco eke Semsett for ladles: tion, can now be obtained of at! Wine Merchan(s The late advance in the Customs duty not having toes maintained, the ijeugee is again proeurable of Seteas which bring it within the of nearly all classes. Sole Consignee, ad DOYLE, 2, New Lowpow Srazer, Mana Lawn, ILC. What shall I Drink? The Lawcet has subjected the Montserrat Lime Juice to full analysis for quality and parity, and recommends the public to drink ay preference to any form of alcoh ONTSERRAT LIME-FRUIT _. JUICE CORDIALS AROMATIC CLOVE, STRAWBERRY, RASP- BERRY, PINEAPPLE, 8ARSAPARILLA, JAR- GONELLE, QUININE, PEPPERMINT. Retail from Grocers, Druggists, and Wine Merchants everywihees, THE ONLY PALATABLE NATURAL APERIENT WATER, A POSITIVE CURE FOR STOMACH, LIVER, AND KIDNEY AFFECTIONS. The best household remedy and specific fur CONSTIPATION. Descriptive Pamphiet, with Testimonials, post (ree. fold by Chemists, ls. 6d. and 2s. per bottle. Mecurar Birren Waren Coxramy, Limited, 3%, Snow mill, , & C. EPPS’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTINC. COCOA. ~ “FOR THE BLOOD 18 THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. Srensegneet cocistnse Go egitemee seuesee, from whateve ouce anteeng For Serofula, Seurv Soreeof al tind, Skin and Hiood Diseases, its Sonera’ ousands of Testimonials from all n be stiles 2s Od. cach, and in cares of six ‘| Eas ¢ quantity, lis. each, of ali Chemists. Sent for 33 or 122 & tam pe. by Tax Lise COLe aBD 1 nm «nD Countiss’ Dave Comrant, Lineot GOLDEN BRONZE - The jovely nuance tain Yonete' can be Mair of an oaamr t 7 ARNE felony ty WINTER, 43, ‘Ontond ot, London. be. 64., Wa, Od. 2h For tinting grey of laded Har MEINE is invaluable. MELLOR'S SAUCE — | For Gout; Lithia Water, tate eign ay Te Se ALLEN HANBURYS’ incor FOOD For INFANTS and INVALID8. ye ae and self. is required Yor the 4a bone in a partially soluble amimilable form. It also and healthful diet Invatiig, and thow of a dyapept Tins, 6d., Is., 28., 6a. & 10s. FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTIA EXHIBITION, 20a, the Gall; GOs, the Doz. Canatson Paty. Casa Ontr. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N.W. BOTTLING OKES— Broomesvat Maxssonw, Hanr Sraner, W.C Agents for India—CUTLER, PALMER, & (0. “The National Table ELLIS’S RUTHIN REGISTERED. WATERS EstTancisnep 1826. Soda, Potass, Seltzer, Lemonade, Aromatic Ginger Ale. a) Waters.” “ Apsotorsty Poss.” and Lithia and Potass Water, ASK FOR ELLIS’S. Soin Evexrwuens. SOLE ADDRESS—R. ELLIS & SON, RUTHIN, WORTH WALES. London Agents: W. BEST & BONS, Beoriette Sweet, Cavendish B&« quare, | HIGHEST AWARD CANNY A .p EXHIB" 1884,

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rx

Tf 18 A WELIL-ESTABLISHED FACT THAT ALL WHO SUFFER FROW a eee —— 7) Inpterstios, Cowertratios, Nexvous Desitrry, Ericersr, EPTROPATHIC: art EVERY MAN AND WOMAN suffering from any of the above ailments should send at once for an ELECTROPATHIC BATTERY BELT, and obtain relief. It will cost ym 218 , and will afford you more satisfaction, more comfort, and more speedy relief than five times that amount expended in drugs. Stop physicking awhile, try this ration reatment, and you will assuredly be numbered amongst the ever-increasing multitude who daily express their gratitude for the priceless benefits derived from the “ pathic’ treatment. Don’t hesitate a moment, but sit down at once lest you forget it, aod write for the Bel, which will be sent you, free by post, on receipt of Zig LADIES and GENTLEMEN, if you desire any confirmation of the claims we advance on behalf of our ‘‘ Electropathic ’’ treatment, you should write to either of the Ladies » yentlemmen whose names appear below, and they will afford you ample encouragement. particulars of your symptoma, and we will doubtless be able to sen t ( gees Hi), Sussex, writes :— “ Aug. 27, 185 fo Waiting a littie ‘onger for my cure to be quite compicte. My case was thought to be quite hopeless and | neverex Dp ected to be «pared much longer to my family Bince I have aed | shall continue to do eo aslong as iiive. I shall be «lad to reply to any questions from these requiring further biectrop. thie appliances

»

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Octopsr 24, 1555.

EE

GHARNESS’ PATENT. ~— Pararrsis, Stvuceisa Lives, Loss oy Neave Powss, Dericiry, iments consequent on Impainep Vitatrrr or Derectivs Oxessic Actions, may obtain speedy relief and ultimate cure by wearing the (QATTERy + ‘ 37 Ct “ = 72> If their cases,as described by them«<eives. do aot coincide with your own, send * ‘ou the name and address of some one of our patients who suffered from a similar cause, and who foun ‘elief from our treatment. We have thousands of testimonials, similar to those appearing in this advertisement, which the exigencies of space alone prevent us quoting,

OY mh

$ ‘

Read what the Gentlemen say :— NERVOUS DEPRESSION, HEART DISEASE, AND PALSY. Ph.D... Gorfield House, Bur 7 Ihave alwares ntended to tender you my sincere and heartfelt thanks the benefit | have derived trom your advice. I wus only weed your Kl-ctropathic appliances | am not the same men: I fee as wellasever. Knowing as a certainty the ficecy, | could say the miraculous efficacy, of your treat- ment, | recommend it to all the sufferers I come across,

particulars The Rev. G. W. Johnson, M.A., Crockham Vicarege, den } ae, Kent, writes “Apri 4, 6) —That be « © ead willing to testify to the curative efficacy of the

DO NOT FAIL to write for the 132 page ite pamphict, entitled

WEALTH.” It Will OST YOU NOTHING, Sore. ~ applic tion THE MEDICAL BATTERY COMPANY, LIMITED, 52, OXFORD STREET, LONDON, W. tomy friends.” sod © be sent post free

PLease FORWARD exact Stze Rovusp tas Watst wext THe Skin WHEW O8DERING THE On receipt of Post-Office Order or Cheque, value 31s., crossed Léndon and County Bank, and psyable to C S.reet, London, W., undertake to forward the “* Electro A 133-page Treatise, entitied “ ELECTROPATH oS NO ACID REQUIRED waorte eect ees Cis fy 7 “ECTROpATHIC

GALVANIC BELT EXTANT a SDULERT IMITATIONS WORTHLESS GRAINS. ac Misc M Hudson, Twyford, Derby, writes:— Mamet Read what the Ladies say ;—

Mrs. J. Hawk: 7 Me, Matilde Strest, Baracbe: well for years as = have since wearing under the care of a physician forsix m suffering fra the usual } i I to debility and bed a culation. I wae despairing of ever feeling well again, whee I was recommended your ELECTROPATHIC BELT | cannot say qpough in favour of it,rut I shall be ged comm: unicat® with any lady who would like further pe ticulars of my case.” INTERNAL WEAKNESS,

985 —reven months ago I purchased one of your ELC.

here, but refer you to my letter of June 17, i,

“ IMPORTANT TO INVALIVS.—if you are suffering from TL slight der om " ATEEEY 4 nt od bet be oie . ‘ ’ the cause of which you are acquainted, send at once for an ELECTROPATHIC B an untold comfort to me would not without one, and ELECTROPATHY: OR H°RNESS CUIDE BELT, and obtain relief, but if you have any reason to fear that your case is serivus pleated, you are recommended to call.orsf you reside at a distance, to write fora e Foun” and a copy of Testimonials, which may be obtained, post-free, on lady who may wish to hear more particulars respetig 52, OXFORD “ELECTROPATHIC BATTERY BELT” B. Haangss, The Medical Battery Company, Limited, 62, Oxted hic Battery Belt,” as described above, for either Lady or Gentleman, free by post to any part of the United Kingdon zs, HARNESS’ GUIDE TO HEALTH,” profusely illustrated, and containing numerous well-authenticated Testimonials, will be sent, post-free, on application to THE MEDICAL BATTERY CO.. Ltd. 1 TROVATHIC BELTS. 1 need not janet ee

I have worn the Kelt every day since that date, it hes bem com- cannot say enough in favour of your Belts,all | reget Paivate they are not better known. I shall be giad to Write to say my case, and shall certainly recommend your «

STREET, LONDON, W.

7 «BRADFORD == MANUFACTURING On receipt of terns of their NOVELTIES in DRESS FABRICS for the AUTUMN and WINTER SEASONS 1885-6 The selection includes the “ &car- bero’” end “Windsor” All-Wool 5 Diagonal Stripes; the “ Rhampoor” Friesee Costume Cloth; the “ Hatten- berg” Fanoy Knicker Canvas Cloth, pure Mohair looped Yarn; the “ Victoria,” * Princess,”’ and “ Lorne” Fancy Plush Stripes, with Plains to match ; the “ St. 5 Leonards " New Fancy Check Tweed for Tailor-made Costumes; the New ‘‘ Cairo” All-Wool Foule Cloth in Art Shades; the New “ Brandon” Jersey Costame Cloth; the “ Princess Ida” New Canvas Homespun Novelty Mixtures; the ‘‘ Whip- pingham " All-Wool Faney Canvas Cloth Art Colour- the “ Mikado” Check Canvas pure Mohair »pe ! Yarn, with Plains to match; and all the celebrated Standard Makes of Mixtures and All-Wool Fabrics from 37d. to 4c. per yard. ALL UNEQUALLED FOR PRICE AND QUALITY, ANY LENGTH CUT AT MILL PRICES. THE LARGEST STOCK IN THE KINGDOM. The leading Dress Journals speak highly of the advantages of dealing direct with the BM. Co, Casetcen Patp TO a¥Y¥ Paat oF Tae Kiwepom on all orders over £1 in value, HIGHEST AWARD AT THE HEALTH EXHIBITION. Be sure and write at once, and mention Punch. MANIFESTO.- The Basprosp Marcracrvsine Company having won a world-wide reputetion, many imitators of its system and style, without either the means or ability to carry ou: what they advertise, often succeed in misleading the Public, to the latter’s loss and annoy- very article and length of material sent from vod Mark, a “Griat at tae Loom.” ence. As an additional security to the Public, e

the BM. Co. will bear their well-known Registered Trade a

REMEMBER THIS—(REGISTERED TRADE MARK.)

rated by WULaw — Smith, of No M, Loraine Rood. Holiowags, ia the Parish of St. Mary, leineten im the (County o Midl ses vy ‘ Precinct of Whitelsiars, w the Vity of Lomdus, and published by tam at No &, t

Lembad

e Piinting Offices of Meaere, Vradbury, Ague, * ‘ ! Loudum.—Sas canst, Ortober 24, 1s.

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HANDBOOK OF THE FARM SERIES, in Volumes, price 2s, Gd. each, {, THE CHEMISTRY OF THE FARM. | The Yotumes are part of a series cisoussing | 5, THE PLANT LIFE OF THE FARM, » THE SOIL OF THE FARM. ite Cultivated Plants, the Farm and cote | 6 THE EQUIPMENT OF THE FARM, 4 THE LIVE STOCK OF THE FARM, Equipment, the Chemistry of Agriculture, and 7. THE DAIRY OF THE FARM, the processes of Animal and Vegetabie Life. 4, THE CROPS OF THE FARM. Bravsvry, Acwew & Co, Boovene Sr, ec. | 8 ANIMAL LIFE ON THE FARM, - a [ Ae — Fe a ee as Me , ? > cebeg hea BERE EHD in “SONSd SBSSIYHL B30INd VOLUME EIGHTY - NINE. —~e-— OCTOBER 31, ix row mea. use WY ae\ omy =: PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, i Tg AND SOLD BY ALL SOOKSELLERS. “Its numerous competitors e ry DOL Mars wii

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocroszr 31, 1885. FIVE NEW NOVELS. AT ALL THE LIBRARIES. ROBERT BUCHANAN'S “THE MASTER OF TEE MINE.” 3 vols. Mrs. MAYO'S “THE MYSTERY OF ALLAB GRALA” 34 vols. Miss CAREY'S “ FOR LILIAS.” 3 vols. GEORGE FLEMING'S “ ANDROMEDA.” 2 vols. Mrs, ANNIE EDWABDES' “A Recusan Berrisy & Box, ‘Mew Burlington Street. THE CORNHILL MAGAZINE for NOVEMBER. Price Sixpence Conrsarts :— as H ~ ont tity PaS* Ge Sai ts SRR, Titwstrated by GO. da Maurier With some Librettists My Deserter [liustrated by M. Pitsgeraid. Barrows. Ogbury Fish cut of Water. Gold. Hy Devid Christie Murrey. Book Vi. Chaps L—IIl. London: Surra, Evown, & Co., 14, Waterioe Place. THE ENGLISH ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE for NOVEMBER, 1934, price SIXPENCE, r con taine— 1 lay Sarah Bunbury. From the Picture by Sir oshua Key nolds s. 4a, Aéventave im Afghanistan. By M. Laing fason &. Heweastico-cn-Tyne, Od Bite in & New City. By K. J. Charieton. Dlustrated by R. Jobiing. 4 Leadon Commons. Part II. By Robert Hunter liiustrated by Clough Bromiley 6. Alcombe’s Chance. Hy Frederick Boyle. & Checee Farming ot Chester. Illustrated by A. Kimmer 7. Leve ané Fantasy. By ©. Milne. & Aunt Rachel (Continued) By D. Christie Murray MACMILLAN @ C©CO., LONDON BOW READY, PRICE SIXPENCE LoONGMAN's MAGAZINE, Namber XXXVII.— NOVEMBER Con tserts)— White Heather: A Novel. By William Biack. Chapters XLI.—XLIV Waiting By D. J. Robertson. The Wesieys at Epworth. By the Rev J. H. Overton The Gtene Dog. By Charlies G. D. Roberts. Mill; or, the Post's Wedding. by William Uingham Wilsce Barrett and bis Work. By John Coleman. “That Very Mab.” Hy Grant Allen Aimee. By the Author of “Christina North.” (Concluded) London: LONGMANS, GREEN, @ CO. RUDDER GRANGE. By F BR. STOCKTON. ls. “A Gelightfal story, sparkling with wit and humour.” Béin.: Davi Doverss, ond at ali Booksellers and Kookstalls Third Edition, just ready. price One Shilling THE TRUTH ABOUT THE STACE. COKIN *‘ Nowlee exaggerated... pa those ange: struck to read the in. Readabie and entertaining “—QGraphic Leadon: Wruax & Sons, and all Booksellers. ae or Dussse anismec ic Feo BAD SMELLS — TER GLOBES, ESTROYED! —_ 3 INVICTA hutomati DISET destroying \avaiog ns, = and traps in a te of | ity. here (hie is used, the am frem which Cholera, , Canaot exist. * lnview” PL abeev, Style A, Nickel-Piated 6 gallons of charged Se Eee Mh Borwicks BAKING POWDER ANNUAL CONSUMPTION 28, SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 32 PRIZE MEDALS. EXCEEDS 000,000 lbs. ROSES Well rooted, many shooted, truly named, of matured vigorous growth, and of the best kinds. Bushes, fe. per doz., 60s. per 100. Standards, iés. per doz., 106s. per 100. Packing and Cazriage Free for Cash with Order. THESE WORLD-FAMED ROSES CANNOT FAIL ro GIVE rut GREATEST SATISFACTION DESCRIPTIVE LISTS of aboveand following free on application :—Fruit Trees, Ever Flower ing Shrubs (6. per doz.), Clematis (12s to 24s c doz.), Roses in Pots 18s. to Ms. per éoz.), H ceous and Alpine Piants (a good selection, és. per dos., per 100), Vines (3s. 6d. to 10s. 64.) Stove and Greenhouse Plants, Forest Trees, , Bulbs, &c RICHARD SMITH & C0.,. WORCESTER. ‘A Perfect Prisette in Ten Minutes.” HINDE’ 5 Hair Curling Pins Paopecs Cusamine Rinocers, &e. papers. ( Com fortable— Bvisible— a Ns teelf. pas ‘- 64. and le. bonds by \ Y jy =~ 4 Dealers, or sample box for r7 stamps, direct om Hixps’s London Sample Koom, la, City Road, E.0. Also proprietors of the famous “ ELLEN TERRY * o mark PIN, which cannot possibly fall out when placed in the hair. Sample Hoxes:—Very thin | bs woh S stamps; solid aluminium gol:, 14 stamps. Wholesale of Messrs. Hive, Birmingham and Lendon. BEWARE of knavish imitations. which } are absolutely useless frauds, Vendors will be rigorousiy prosecuted a a Fg “2 | breathes a fragrance, SWEET SCENTS LIGN - ALOE. OPOPONAX. FRANGIPANNI, PSIDIUM | INDIEN CRILLON. A laxative and refreshing Fruit Lozenge ron CONSTIPATION, Bile, Headache, Loss of tite, Cerebral Seve Prepared by E. GRILLON, @, QUEEN STREET, CITY, LONDON. H roid Tamar reeable te take, and never produces irritation, nor interferes with business or pieasure. Bold by and 2s. a box, stamp PATENT OF COFPEL, without EX- Speer ates eyetoee C CAVPRINE AND TANMIC Block Tin “ bs Rolied Nickel &- if 4 Az 25y- mor a ae ts x, “or Huu, Lompon. Scotiand :— n wri ffits co. Anorit St, Graseow. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILE PATENT). For all of weak digestion Always available as a Restorative and delici- ous beverage. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILK (PATENT). Yor the Invalid. No digestion required. For Weakly Children and Convaiescents, Deiicious in coffee or tea. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILE (PATENT). By using exclusively this form of milk, the risks of infection, inseparable from the use of ordinary milk, are entirely avoided. SAVORY & MOORE, NEW BOND STREET, LONDON. Tina, 2s. 6d. each, obtainable everywhere. COLD MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, 1884, C. BRANDAUER&C” iL eowreo PENS Write as smoothly as & lead pencil, and neither seratch ner spurt, ‘he points being rounded ~ new . Sin Prize Medals awarded. ssorted mple Box, 6d., of any Stationer, or send ; stamps to C. Basmvacen & Co.'s Pen W orks, Birmingham. The Only Gold. 1834 FOR A MALTED INFANTS FOOD THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS SAVORY & MOORE. LONDON, & OF CHEMISTS &c EVERYWHERE EASY CHAIRS & Diy MANUFACTURED By HOWARD & Sox 26, BERNERS STREET, W DESIGNS ON APPLICATION CLIFTONVILLE HOTEy near MARGATE. On the H ‘ — wy 5 ty Present Terme torn — Season, Walf-a-Guines h ineling a Bed-roem. Attendance ~ LEWIs JEFFERIs Resident Managing Divvctar OXFORD.-MITRE HOT ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMIca, FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE Kixoy No more Sore or Poisoned Fingg SEWING AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE Wire ALA. ‘olen w Patent Rubber-Lined Thimble Ladies will welcome Thimbies a much- heeced ins tion, and } ree and va nw lie: ted testimonials and o of leading fashic that they meet . ng n 4 discolouring and the finger caused by com metal Thimbiles, the pinching of the latter an silver ones, and the disagreeable necessity » br gg? wetting the Son to keep — on ery t ity Thimbies, rubber- lined guste for o eB tate 2s id each, Post Free. Ask your Draper, i bs ne or Jeweller to procure them for jos, te direct, inclosing stamps, to My A. Ansenz, 107, 108, Gt. Charles 8t. Birm! wyne area man of business, weakened bythe w your duties, avoid stimulants and take HOP BITTERS. If you are a man oF letters, toiling over your night work, to restore brain and nerve waste, "HOP BITTERS. Ifyou are young and growing too fast, or if yon culesing fom tne edicts of ax overs a HOP BITTERS. If you are married or single, old or young, wfen from poor —_. e' languishing on a bed f HOP BITTERS. Have you DyYsrereis, KIDNEY OF U RIN ART COMPLAIT, disense of the srom ach , BOW ELS, BLOOD, LITE, © mzaves? You will be cured if you tase HOP BITTERS. CONDYS FLUID ‘(The Times” says :—“ Condy’s Fluid is the best disinfectant know to science.” To prevent dangerous fraud, # that CONDY’S FLUID bean & name of CONDY & MITCHELL, Sole Makers of the genuive. ROWLANDS for te Te a healing and refeeshing paragion Pace and Arms. ts ocndicates Bree les, Rough Reaness, Cutaneous Erupti the Skin soft, smooth, and w te i @ free from any lead or oxide of zinc,» the cheap cosmetics are and is composed, KALY and only gepuine Kk Kayaor made a fe | seep secocerrs?

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——— Ocrosen 31, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 5 pl TOPICS OF TO-DAY. Treated by Dwmb-Crambo Junior. Proposed ” Conference. ** Dis-establishment ! ”’ fel» wusnts a r —— IMAPLE “ CoM SS TOTTENHAM Couw- Helen Taylor, her name and a-dress which be camb-er-well. Ns Mr. Maple, if elected for St. Pancras, will always be in the Van!! POLITICS AND POLITENESS ; OR, WHY NOT IN THIS STYLE? Lorp Rawvotpn CuvurcHILt, addressing an Agricultural Meeting in 4 large marquée at og Lynn ere bs began by deprecating the ieenretive style of eloquence which had become so common in Eng polities. (Loud and nged cheering.) He had himself ee aware, said some things of his opponents, but he the satisfaction of kno that he had not really meant one of them. Laughter.) Personally, he did not consider that the fabric of our institution would be instantly dissolved if we agreed to abandon i Dresent oratorical presumpticn, which was that e Politician who differed from you was an Adventurer actuated the meanest oe who had only been saved by good luck from heing tried for , arson, and forgery, while every body on your own side [ Wat an Angel of Ligh cxamgie Ned | fe sure that in advocating the Be mye Low ye of land for allot- ments, Mr. CHaMBeRLarn h y believed that the scheme was a racticable one, and that it involved no injustice to the owners of and, but, on both _—- he extremely regretted that he was unable to agree with Mr. Cuampertarn. (Cheers.) It was of course open to him to say that the Radicals were only shamming sympathy with the labourer, and that gentlemen with top-hats and black coats were by nature de d from knowing anything about the wants of the rural population. (Laughter.) The first statement, however, would be grossly uncharitable, and the second utterly ridiculous. (Cheers.) No, he believed the motives of his opponents to be at least as pure and good as his own; but he could not help thinking that some of their pro were mistaken. He was inclined to fancy that they were, unintentionally of course ig false hopes all over the country, but that did not seem to a lusive reason why he should brand them as hypocrites, thie and liars. (Loud cheers, and expressions of surprise, amid which noble Lord resumed his seat.) Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, last night, addressed a large gathering of his constituents, at Birmingham. He said :— ** I think I ought at once to put myself right with you, by saying that probably a great many of my views are incorrect, and most of my facts utterly wrong. (Cries of ‘‘ Oh! oh !” followed by cheers.) I confess I do not pretend to infallibility in polities, You must take my views for what they are really worth, which may very likely be precious little. (‘‘ Oh! oh!” and laughter.) Now, having made that admission, I think we shall get alongmuch more comfortably. I trust that Lord Satispuky, when he next makes one of his cleyer and in- teresting speeches, will i my — (Cheers.) We must, I think, acknowledge the great ability which Lord Saiesury brings to the service of his Queen and country. (Dissent.) Nay, let us try and give the Prime Minister his due. (La He is, I repeat, a man of great ability, mistaken in many things, and certainly too dogmatic ; but we must give him credit, as fair-minded men, for having settled the Burmeh Question, half-settled the Afghan and Egyptian difficulties, in a satisfactory manner. (‘‘ Hear, hear !’’) owever, you will have to decide in November is whether you are willing to intrust the destinies of the nation to him for five or six years, am f do not think I am going beyond the limits of courtesy and impartiality when I say that the record of the Tory Party in the past is not such as to ins us with confidence in their reforming zeal in the future.” (Cheers.) The Right Hon. Gentleman con- cluded by saying, that if Lord SaLtspuny would adopt free education local councils, and compulsory sale of mts, he, for one, woul cordially welcome the accession of a Conservative Ministry to Office and to Power. The meeting separated shortly afterwards in some confusion. The Marquis of Satissvry, in the course of a h delivered yes- terday before the Brighton and South-Coast ‘‘ Habitation” of the Primrose League, remarked that there had been some dispute as to who ought to have the credit of the passing of the Franchise Bill. ‘It would be easy for me,” said the noble Marquis, ‘‘ to maintain that the Tories, and the Tories alone, passed that measure through Parliament. But then that statement would have the slight disad- vantege of being untrue. (Laughter.) Ido not understand why I should not at once admit that we formerl the extension of the Franchise to labourers, honestly believing them to be unfitted for a yote, but that we subsequently were reass on this point. If the merit of proposing the measure belongs, as I quite admit it does, to the Liberals, the merit of not it—nay, of helping it on—belongs to the Tories. (Cheers.) I notice that Lord Dexsy has stated that the Seep Fession Policy would be one of ‘swagger and bloodshed.’ Now, Lord Deasry is a relative of my own, as such I might be expected to do what is vulgarly ‘ giving it him hot.’ (Laughter.) I might say that I wondered such a statement did not choke in his throat, but then the remark would, I fear, be exceedingly rude on my part. What I do say is that, acting, no doubt, from the best intentions, Mr. Giapstowe in his Egypti policy was not very successful, and that, therefore, it does not lie in the mouths of Liberals to taunt us with our Foreign Poliey. (Cheers.) At the same time I willingly acknowledge that Mr. Giapstonx’s action in Egypt was gui > iotic motives, and that he met with immense difficulties. (‘‘ r! hear!” and “Oh! Oh!”) Why should we not be honest and fair in these matters? We may depend upon it that, although a great deal is said about reform of ure in Parliament, the ure which most needs reforming Party Plathorms.” (Leughtor and. loud chosring, dastep whch the a ’ 6 ing, ing which t noble Marquis entered hie Special,” and returned to Town.) Srraner, put Tave.—Fair-play pugilists are like safety matches, they strike only ‘‘ on the hox.” _— ix. A New Eprrion.—The Baccha of Euripides. His Smoking Mixture, (Sensation.) For 2he was quite Yor, LXXXIx. T

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——— >_> EXPERIENTIA DOCETP Wife of Two Years’ Standing. “On yxa! Me As AT FIRST. so Cross WHEN HE OOMES HOME. Widow, “ Faxp tuz Brute!” Waat s#AL_ I pot” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. I'M SURE HE'S NOT 8O FOND OF He's AWAY 80 MUCH, NEGLECTS ME DREADFULLY, AND HE'S {Ocroper 31, 1885. HORSLEYANA. Lady (interested in Mr. Horsley’s model speech at the | Church Congress, to artist friend). What are Mr. Hons. | LEY'S initials ? Artist. J.C. Honstry. “J” is Jonny. Lady. And “C,” what’s that ? Artut. Evidently, Crornes-Horstey. [ Exit, The other evening Mr. H-nst-y was dining at the “ Ath-n-m” with the Archb-sh-p of C-n1-R8-ry, and the B-sh-p of L-»p-, when the following incident took | lace : 7 Mr. H-rsl-y (as they were — down to the soup, addressing the Archb-sh-p). My Lord—— B-sh-p of I-nd-n (whispering Mr. H-rsl-y, aside), You should say ‘* Your Grace.” Mr. H-rsl-y (annoyed). I did. I always do, before dinner and after dinner. (Resuming to Archb-sh-p. Shall we order a salad ? Archb-sh-p (sweetly). Certainly. Bat do tell them that I prefer it not dressed. Mr. H-rsi-y (horrified). Undressed ! [ Exit, indignantly, and considers whether he won't vote for Disestablishment. Mr. H-nst-y has teken to spectacles. He has con- | scientious scruples against the use of the naked eye in painting. (To be discontinued in our nezt.) WAIST NOT, WANT NOT. ** Many a poor girl hurt her health very materially by trying | to rival the reigning beauty of the day, the Duchess of Kvr- | LAND, who was said to squeeze herself to the size of an orange and a half.’"—Mary Frampton'’s Journal, 1779-1846, Our Ladies still are débonnaire ; Olivia bonnets many wear, With figured silks so rich and rare From ALLENBY’s or GoRRINGE'S ; But is there one who can compare Whose waist, we read, Did not exceed In size two China oranges? Crime ror THE Cavutious.—Sars-Robbery ! ———_____ —— BOARD TO DEATH! Tae following published stipulations, drawn up by a “ very moderate voter,” in St. Pancras, show how keen the School Board contest promises to be in certain quarters. It will be seen that a spirit of compromise has inspired their drawing up, and that the do something more than meet the aggressive Educational party half- way. They will at least be per with interest, if not patience, b distracted Ratepayers, who, at the present moment, are at a loss whic way to turn and what to vote. 1. The -—> - of any additional School Board buildings shall, in future, only be half-dressed with Portland Stone, and the interior accommodation provided shall not be more than 25 per cent. in excess of that +=} for the district, as shown by the published statistics. 2. The Head Master and Mistress shall not enjoy an income of more, yay ony than seven and six hundred ds per annum, nor 8 their attendance hours be less than hours a day for four days in each week. 3. The Assistant Staff of Professors shall pe limited to a dozen, and no permanent provision shall be made for the teaching of the rudi- ments of ese, advanced trigonometry, or Persian Calisthenics without a special vote of the Board for the purpose. 4. No infants under three will be expected to present themselves for education, but on attaining that age their attendance will be counted on at all the junior classes of Ph siology, Apolies Science, and Political Eeonomy, and rigorously cnlesed y local agents of the Board. 5. The pr Masts of tho nate to bo lot shall be fixed as low as seven and sixpencoe in pound ; being found necessary to exceed this sum to an be com t for the members to vote for and pass the amount required without any further discussion whatever. Such are the “‘ stipulations” referred to; and it is calculated a reference to their g isions will be likely to wake the Rate- payer to a sense cf his responsibility in the fortheoming Elections. GOOD LAWES! Ware the Radicals are talking—rather loosely—about Allotments, | and the Tories joking—just as loosely—about ‘three acres and | cow,” Sir Joumw Lawes has signified his intention to let out to labour- | ers and others in the Luton district portions of land varying from twenty poles to an acre, for the growth of vegetables or farm produce. | For the first year he will charge only the amount of the tithe and rates, and afterwards the allotments wil] be let at £2 per acre, com- _ for improvements being given to tenants upon quitting. is prompt practical experimenting—very much the reverse of the Lawes’ delay—sounds more earnest, and therefore more hopeful, than opus many windy promises on one side and spiteful gibes on the r. With Rutland’s Dachess, all so fair, | | | A Crewe-cial Question. Tue London and North-Western Railway, perchance, May prove Mettor, Honeson, and Lara romance ; But if what Date reports of their tyranny ’s true, The Liberal Ship must look after its Crewe ! Provrrciat News.—Off the Suffolk coast some fishermen caught an enormous conger-eel, so big that it was taken for a shark, whereat the shark of course must have been much pleased. On the arrival of the gallant fisherman at his native town, local band received him, playing ‘‘ See the C ing Hero comes!” The fish was after- wards sent to the Bishop of Exy, who, the next Sunday, made a appeal on behalf of the Suffolk Fishermen to his Conger-regation. OUR OWN TOMFOOL AGAIN! THE n whose conversation can throw a light upon any subject. | —The Kan with's Lantern Jaw! Ha! ha!

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Ocroser 31, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

hem |

) in

ip ff es P YI POG (/ |S / vt t {/ vs -- \ a INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 23.

LUN ~~ Mifi fny J. 8 OO VY yee | =-=—=:= —_ ‘i aces! = . - SS —————~S

| VIEW OF THE CORN EXCHANGE. HARD TIMES.

| BOGEY! Lorp Ranwpotpn CHoRcHILt says that ‘if the Radical Party of | the present day were only like Mr. nyo feel little fear about the future of the country.” To those who remember how - Mr. ow was peqenee a He gone Radical Bugbear, this passing ut so seared Reaction its round — anathema to Mn boned coat ST neo drone. In a reformer’s active state he is held up as a Bogey of violence, to frighten the timid; in his less voleanie old ego he held up up o a Bogey of virtue, to darken by eee ot yay = 4 » 16 is all Begoy from beginning to ve set forty years rth t is end. And, “oy hence, the CuurcHILL of the day will’ be saying that, if the advanced of that period were like Mr. Cuamennscom, he should have no fear, &c., &c., &c. If only that much-talked-of ‘‘ future of the cnn, Sir,” w on buckets-full of black paint—‘‘ hues of darkness ae» eclipse ”’—which Bogeydom has from generation to onneion, pr for its be- daubment, what a tenebrific time we should all be having, to be sure! Butit won’t. The —_ X ——s h, according to the searemongers, ** built in the ec with curses dark,” persists in pointing prow Fgh dawn, and steadily on into the sunlight.

“Our Reapers.”—Mr. Giapstowz and Lord Ippestzien. We hope they study their ‘‘ Lessons.” over-night. This lay assistance fle bombly be considered as lesson-ing the difficulties of Disestab-

| | iction, with the monotonous regularity of a Hed

“WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO?” —~ lane aag Epwarps, how can | Vex’her mother and rile her dad, Drive her lovers all nearly mad. | Ask % us, “<" What is a Girl to do?” | That is the answer some think true That is the ai now wee” Given to “* What is a Girl todo?” e by a novel by ares ask, in the public view, Wetie Ge fo do! To teach lessons entle speech ; Boldly, ‘* What is a Girl to do?” Haat sal the troubles t at ous to vex What is a Girl todo? Why, sing, | All the souls of the sterner sex ; Dress, and chatter, and have her | Life with feminine charms endue ; fling ; Answers, ‘* What is a Girl todo py

Show Off. Waar Colonel Frasen, of the Police, said to the Lorp Maron elect) Stapies was, ‘‘ Turn some, Lord Mayor of London.” And so e has arranged to turn agen, ond won't be the old show along Holborn and down Chancery The Loxp Mayor is the only Show-man allowed to pare lh with at traffic. But how illogical to talk of doing away with this Show, while permitting the act Demensiationtats of all sorts, and of the noisy, howling ons tam- 8 | bourine-playing Salvationists on any day, Sundays not pte -7)

“ 'T1s like, very like,” —SHAKSPEARE. And he would have repeated himself, and it of Miss Mary Rery’s Portrait of Colonel Faxp BugwaBy exhibited fant Bet iy at the Mansion House, Miss Anm sTRONG’s etching done from is admirable. Lifelike, and. ene» Sehing, ase Seem Se eke died in antien, steiking. ,

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| Criterion.

208 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. a (Ocronme 31, 1885,

WHAT SHALL IT BEP Tue question is, what is to be the central ornament of the new “ Place” between the Criterion and the Pavilion Music Hall. Dear Str, 7° the First Commissioner of Works. Way nota statue of myself as ‘The Candidate?” Nota bad idea. You know the statue of What’s-his-name defying the Thing- ummy—correct me if 1am wrong. Well, I might be grey as defying the Proprietor of the Pavilion Music ? Eh? Ask Sir Frepenicx Lerontor, he nit like the subject. It would be a companion to his, what wasit? I f ling the Parson—no not the Parson—but something like it. Haven't time to write more. Off to rehearsal. Yours Criterion Theatre. y. CHARLES Wrwpnam. To the First Commissioner. Sirx,— With the utmost respect I would that a statue of my- self, pointing towards the Pavilion Music Hall, would be a fitting ornament for the site. Of course, my back will be turned on the Yours obediently, F, Vrcirers. Dear PLuyKy, To the Same. Reyes with funky, and Monkey. But don’t be funky, | and do the thing well while you are about it; that is, you know, if you

are about it. Send Box, or Brock, or Taornycrorr—no Kose without a Thorneycroft—and let one of ’em cateh the writer’s eye, mine I mean. But seriously, why not a colossal equestrian statue of—can you guess of whom he I don’t mean Hewry Invive—but of Yours very truly, J. L. Toor ? P.S.—I don’t ride—except in a cab—but that’s of no consequence. SancerR would lend me something quiet for the sitting. By the way, I don’t mind sitting to Horstey—but let me see, he’s not a sculptor, is he ?—as}I want to be represented Horsily. See? A colossal figure, like the Duke of WettuserTon’s, that — to be over the archway, is better than a mere “ bust up.” Dear" PLowxert, To the Same. Or course you have made up your mind as to whose Statue should grace the finest site in Europe. All that remains is to decide in which character. Iam, yourstraly, Hewny Irvine. To the Same. Sre,—A really good classical Statue, a true work of Art, in Roman toga—or, as my friend Mr. Perrirr says, in an toggery—is a want which the Metropolis feels, and with which this vast don should be at once supplied. Sir, the love of Art is implanted in our Human Nature,—every evening 7°45—big success. The Statue should be heroic ; a scroll should be in the right hand, labelled MS. ; in the left should be the Lease of the National Theatre ; and on the pedestal should be inseribed, with date, &c., the magic name of Aveustus DRURIOLANUS. ours bly, Gus Hazris. To the Same, Dear Frest ComMIsIONER, I pow’r like putting myself forward, but I really think you couldn’t do better than commemorate the Inventories in the apace between the Criterion and the Pavilion, and put me up there— I mean my efigy in marble—as being so friendly, both ,to theatres and Music Halls. If you want two figures in the p, you might tell whoever does the statue, to make it me and the Prince of WaALes. Somers Vine says he’d like to be in this, but he must make his own application. Yours Inventorily, Cunuirre OwEn. Dean Comamisstonen, 7° the Same. Por me up on a pedestal, I’m the ive sort of Manager. (Quite typical, a statue of me between the Criterion and the Music Hall. Might be facing towards Alhambra—Leicester Square way. Show me as keeping alight the sacred lamp of Burlesque, while among the ashes of ex ranny lies WwW y: The figures supporting the Ara Bur } might be Miss Nettie Fanren, Miss Kare Vavonan, Messrs. Rorce and Terry. I leave it to you—and the nation. Yours, Jomw Hotirmesmxap.

New Colours. In the account in the Datly News of oussea Princess Maxie of Oxteans, we read :— mam oe wet te scloct Talking dree is also prey, being made of velvet, in the shade of that This & fine field for a series of ‘ eurprised to hear after this of garments «in the thade of that colour known as” —" reproachful ra’ ” den } ted ” 66 tortoise,” —$—<—<—_= SORROWS OF A METROPOLITAN CANDIDATE, I wave, at different times, been holding a small series of meetings of a somewhat private and confidential character, in different parts of the Parliamentary District which I hope some day to represent, and as they consist entirely of the members of my Committee, or of their personal friends and acquaintances, I had but little difficulty in ting resolutions highly approving of my Candidature, which were, of course, immediately advertised in the local journals, En- couraged A my brilliant success on these occasions, I at length — to the repeated requests of my friends, and consented to the olding of a Public Meeting of the free and independent Electors, that they might listen respectfully to my opinions upon the various topiesof the day, and then pass such an unanimous resolution of approval as would strike terror and confusion into the ranks of my hapless opponent. : e meeting was spaotiogy held last week, and while I and my Committee were awaiting, in the ante-room, the striking of the hour of eight, we were gratified by the pleasing information that the large Hall was crowded with an eager, and somewhat impatient, audience, Our entry was greeted by a most vociferous shout, but not altogether of an unanimous character, and our Chairman, a local Churchwarden, had some difficulty in obtaining silence, calls of turn-coat, and trim- mer, and even traitor, greeting him on his rising to speak. Whether he lost his presence of mind at this unexpected reception, I know not, but he caused a roar of laughter by at once informing the meeting that his presence in the Chair was no indication of change of politics, but was merely an act of friendship to me personally, as he quite in- tended to vote for my opponent! He ended his very brief speech by upon me to oe, for a patient hearing for all, and then c My reception was certainly astaggerer. The whole meeting seemed to take an active pert in it. Cheers, Groans, Shouts, and roars of laughter vied with each other for predominance, but I think the last won it hollow. They certainly were the best-natured crowd I ever saw collected together, and almost eve ing that I said was cheered so vociferously that I had some slight doubts of its since: but of the "7 _ ess of be en aay = Ly ha Ra : poin at my guide, philosopher, and agen pre ‘or me, and which I hed taken such immense pains to learn by mixed up so pom f omny I found myself denouncing Hereditary Vaccination, and Home Rule for,Women, and g myself un- reservedly to support Local Option'in Land, and E chisement of Freeholds. How they did roar! I should doubt if a public speech was ever more thoroughly enjoyed, and I am not at all sure that ifa vote of confidence had been of the peroration of m roel es = which, by some strange of ideas, I compa Lord RaypotPH CHAMBERLAIN to the Lord Mayor of ancient days sitting amid the ruins of exploded cartridges —it would not have been carried unanimously with the shouts of laughter amid which I resumed my seat. t But, unfortanately, no sooner had the laughter and noise subsided than the questioning began, and for some three-quarters of an hour I was subjected to such a severe cross-examination as I was by no means prepared for. I think I should have broken down altogether and retired ignominiously from the platform, but my experienced agent had placed some of my strongest supporters—among them my butcher and my grocer—in a places, and who, when was unduly pressed, changed the subject by shouting out some ques- tion on which I was quite sound, which enabled me to recover myself. I think that, without any exception, this was the longest three- quarters of an hour I ever passed. The hands of the great clock opposite to me seemed almost motionless. i questions were, so to speak, hurled at me from all of the ae ee oe in replying drew forth shouts of “ No shuffling!” “ out like a man!” “ ’s your back- bone ? ” till I was fairly bewildered, and doubtless gave some curious answers, which again drew forth shouts of laughter, but a good deal mixed with shouts of dissent. ‘ Disendowment was a yan difficult question to deal with. immediately on the conclusion “Will you disendow the Church?” After a ~~ pause, “* Yes, certainly.” ary “Will you disendow the Livery of the City?” As I have the i honour of a Warden of the Worshipful Company of Bellowsmenders, which gives me a revenue of about £300 a year and in privileges of a enjoyable character, I naturally hesitated, amid screams of derision, and then said, * Yes, I think so.” ‘‘ How long have you ight so?’ shouted a stentorian voice. ‘I cannot e say. Possibly not very long,” I replied ; ‘‘ but Rome was not built in a day.” This ery idea, as I then thought it, failed lamentably, and was received further taken, my with another roar. I draw a veil over ex to announce that, u a show of hands by © majority of about two one. was condemned

cat,” “ surprised stoat,” “alarmed antelope,” “ tis * reflective rabbit,” or ‘‘ contemplative canary.” Tux Rear “ Goipen Oprvions.”—The “Opinions” of crack Counsel.

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BRRRSG © || = | es rer 8s OTSA TP RES 8&8 Ocrosen 31, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. BOULONACO-SUR-CHEMIN-DE-FER. (By a Remorseful Loser of Seven Francs.) WueEN Roctend-en- tae i ag Soy these columns ae ed that the place was impression was a any ters as the French town—a thousand pardons, city—under ut consideration, has the same foundation as the plucky little } Bad isseX watering lace, em tries so hard to es from the river to the sea. d and Boulonaco, especially at low tide, are famous f ud. Yous it was almost impossible to live in the ” rm the imperfect drainage and now and again a : penchant te bravely cozened the . (in more senses than one) were wont to swagger down the — rte Protection of law f bidding their saan on land, under a law for Dagan Near the sea was a little “ Etablissement,” built of wood, Lye: balls A. be ty “tage vest (the 7, piven oe Fridays being Darton y —s cony being | by a red and white awning to the dancing ce, ae ‘earté and whist permitted at points not exceeding half The place was paved with pointed 1 and visitors, “instead of living at hotels, resided at g-house Thirty years pass, and what a change! First of all—about the mud? New harbour works have nearly concealed it. Nowadays the terrible spectze of enna invariably pone : ig tide is completely once open sewer is closed, it is noel, = Next, as to the streets, gas has taken the place of oil, uphalte of jagged stones, and oon of broken-down diligences. An omnibus, started by the “‘enterprise” of somebody or other who proudly gave the conveyance his name), used to run ten years much effect. The visitors stake their money (sometimes * Cercle” coun proving that the two institutions, the Club Londeoe d * Laskoube and St. A E Te pri : 2. “ , vi- lege of f holding the bank with as much facility as ever,” com- ting at Baden-Baden Bea bade vand Hombourg mubourg and bodes Lace, The “fair-haired io the brunette, the Maltese segs s a repre- peepee a, fy $e al re is f = cluding “this article has nei te the Repu al sipalit rr —— By oe rein selepboustaod of the soft Mediterranean and the equally phen its of Dover, Monte Carlo are very much J ikee-eapecially Boulonaco ! “A SHORT HOLIDAY CRUISE.” I arr corrected, Ap fn Bee esti ty ack hy T cuelt Ballachulish ‘‘ Ballach i Friends at a ee ee ee o— it ‘* Ballachuish, th tienda my i newih anos tee was foolish i aa " Ballachulish,” I’d like to have—the wish is coolish— More than three ells in ‘‘ Ballachulish,” Tue SHort Yorrer. A Substantial Grievance, Dear Mr. Poncn, ago between the fish-market and “the Etabbasement,” but now this I vrwp tradesmen send bills to me enclosed in a halfpenn has been replaced by carriages on rails of the familiar ot pl wrapper! What is the Post-Office ‘about in e premium tn, which perambulate the town in all for the circulation of most offensive matter, eh ? bills directions. The seer pas from the “‘ N ar —s the + may ra & mpire (when greatly, consequently ever since been intensely Republican), down or up to the ‘ Fm Mouton,” with its glazed fron looking like a shopless Burli Arcade, turned into a number of extra-sized inhabitable do houses, with transparent ‘*‘ fronts,” for the benefit of summer iclaowe. And, last of all, about the Etablissement ? Alas! the Etablissement exists no er! The old wooden build- ing has long since been swept away, with it the red and white cartains and the open balcony. In its place has arisen a majestic building of the true Parisian | exterior, — and Siste-enee- interior, red velvet, gold and glitterin small piece of pe in the olden days was full of sea-side into “‘ park-like ” with a om gy has been enlarged for the band in the centre. Between the ne o ean the sea was established a ** Sckating Rink,” and a “hidirere lene and as an annexe, an exceedingly Aquarium. us the Etablissement, until a few months ow a greater, and probably final, alteration has been effected — name is changed— it is no longe the ‘ * Etablissement,” it is now the ‘* Casino. Jardin d’hiver” has the Aquarium—the children’s leat rround has vanished into space—the once splendid saloons pong ow | Sapitle) wh whieh areeopristely identifies she et When the city was in its “ in, Rgds seme er rene a a game” played at a nine [are een Patan” crveneunert ao won prizes. arrangemen - etree ne oe Ite Wee thaws ” when imprisonment . past season a secresy was made about the Cercle” or inner centre and red games were ar ea ea that October has come and the Visi the wah el reer" Choma rooms. less en It is said that the TD i. sccsesten to wen the ah oe rare ee himself, on condition that in carne pemsaee rsepeina Dive ote | ought to be tazed, Sir, yes, heavily taxed, There’s a for the CHance.tor of the Excu Sredecemn aee of the cireu lation of tradesmen’s bills, let them all bear a stamp in proportion to m}their amount, before they are No one vill support this movement more heartily your sincere admirer, Cashless Court. Unegapruoney Navoutipoy. Mem. on Some Memoirs. O Lrrrie-eReat ones of the courtly seene, mT TE So oe —————_ position lies between REVILLE and (Oblivion’s) deep sea ? Grounds for Alarm. Tue St. James's Gazette says :— “* Coffee has, for some unknown reason, of late years lost ground in publie estimation.” Should it not have been “lost grounds”? But does not coffee always lose grounds in public estimation? "We should say that the more it was esteemed by the public the more grounds it But possibly we know nothing at all about the matter. Why, Indeed ? Mosrc at Execriows.—M. Bizer’s on account of its lead- ing melody, is the favourite with the and it is likely that the *‘ Dames and Knights”—it used to be “* and this celebrated air as chant. their war. ore LIsTENING TO.—Mr. Cuopwicx gt 1% Aoth boun” plained in open Court—which sounds airy, would be truer— » nes Lape y 3 (row if + Pe. in in whieh = witnesses were ting. He k them the wothacke.” Now, coming from a dentist, dente ie bled, and circular cenenning SO gamblin | this official ficial “* recommendation Saar ae one sapear to have had most disinterested. SAR Rem te a P

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Ocropen 31, 1885, a “yp =p UsDER PRETENCE OF THROWING A Reyizorgp L'cur on THE Facog, THAT RIstnNG younc PorrsatrT Patnter, Fisson, ALwars \ PROVIDES HIs SIFTER WITH SOMETHING 80 PLEASANT TO LOOK AT, THAT SHE NEVER GETS TIRED OF SITTING (/.Z. STANDING). Tus ALSO FXPLALNS WHY HI8 PORTRAITS ALWAYS HAVE THAT SYMPATHETIC AND THOUGHTFUL EXYRESSION OF CONTEMPLATIVE SERENITY, HAPPY THOUGHT. A FALSE ALARM. Toocrrner, wild and scant of wit, The seared Owls in the belfry sit ; Four feathery flustered flapping things, With rounding eyes and rustling wings. Charch Owls, that in that lon Have heard the big bell’s loud di ~ a Unmoved, unm , by day or night But now are filled with sore t, And seem to hear in its dull boom Sounds of alarm and knells of doom. Tuwhit tuwhoo! Tuwhit tuwhoo!! Was ever heard such hullaballoo ? Tuwhoo tuwhit! Tuwhoo tuwhit!! Those orbs with frantic fire are lit. The belfry ’s firm, the belfry ’s high, Pinnacled safe in the sombre sky, And there, in defiance of wind and weather, These Owls, and fowls of a similar feather, For generations have flocked r. What availeth it, what doth it boot, In clamorous chorus to shriek and hoot ? Find they, fear they, these feathered people, Imminent peril to Church or steeple ? Church in danger! Foolishest ery! O feathery creatures of fearsome eye, Minerva’s self, were the goddess by, Her favourite fowls would mock and chide, Their fuss contemn and their fears deri Hornéd Owl, with the throat of black, You should know better! The bird at your G patttled 1] ed rey- e-eyed, easily scared, Is , me friphted if ight is flared Fall in his optics, that love the dark, Bat you? belfry has been an ark For many a flight of your fellew fowls. What generations of cozy Owls Have nested there, and hooted shrilly, Ia fright as unprovoked as silly As Seneies peerpeds of Cut sates tower prostrate spire ow! bat filling the night with yoor hootings sbrill a night with your hootings shrill. Tuwhit tuwhoo! What a to-do! Tuwhoo tuwhit! Flutter and flit! Shriek and scuffle, scurry and squall, As h the belfry shook to its fall ! - 7 on yous Tony perch, eo though an earthquake menaced the Church ! An old, old story! A stale, stale scare! The countryfolk, lifting an eye in air, Say, as they pass with a smile of disdain, ” Those — old birds, they are at it again A false alarm! There are some who suspect That a very sly plan in the shine they That the shrill tuwhits and the hollow tuwhoos Aas & Deas up Sts Steals ont te tote their oes ; That Ss gogglesome birds in their belfry Are awake to the worth of a capital cry ; That, in spite of their scream, Those Owls are not half s0 alarmed as they seem | ir chorus of scufile and | the A SANITARY SAGE. Tue Mayor of Southwold is a bold man. The water supply of that pleasant seaside resort is notoriously bad, and some of the wells are dangerously near cess-pools. It was proposed, then, at a recent meeting of the Corporation, to sanction the erection of water-works, and it was suggested that the water should be analysed. Thereupon the Mayor said that “‘he had not the slightest confidence in any analysis because they might send samples of the same water to two ant lysts, an t different opinions.” He als added, with reference to the wells being injured by their close proximity to cess-pools, that it might be the case or not. Truly # cour: man this, though possibly a little er eed alhgaleet toad ioe © century, and epi 08 0 oid fever not unknown, while we have been trying teach even children the rudiments of sanitary science. And yet the Mayor of Southwold expresses a rooted distrust of analysts, and NIVIMSERVPO “A } \ 1 191, ,, JVYI WOTPOTAUOOD SIY PerE[Sep evy o[}1e8 [UY 89t @aleoes peyw JeujeuUM *eUuOo OU s SI qo pUueULBTLeY eqa ul juem sean *tQ%tracers? 10 UBound ‘L101 20 1Be0I 9[QUlessB OF OGL = an . aha [ somes —,,"°

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocroser 31, 1885.

\° {| Ar \\ Mt) v \! \) Wn \ \\ iy Ny i ANN gi

Cuoavs or Constrvative Owns. ** TOO-WHIT—TOO-WHOO! A FALSE ALARM. CHURCH IN DANGER—CHURCH IN DANGER! sabe Z ) ‘ 3S \ vv 4 * +) ,

TOO-WHIT—TOO-WHIT—TOO-WH-0-0-0-00!!” fr. Caame«<RvLatn has declared his conviction that ‘‘ There is no one, whether Radical or Tory, Churchman or Dissenter, who believes that there is any chance whatever that this great question wil receive its final settlement in the Parliament which is about to assemble.”’"— Zimes. ]

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platfors spector, and tak careful have be found it Wishes t Termin 8tr,—

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 213 | Oorommn 31, 1885.] ‘ | that his THE BATTLE OF THE BAGGAGE. Tat “ L attention in ioined further wishes to secure his luggage He must travel up to Town either in the society of a prize-fighter, or a by several roughs who will tostand by him, der to , when he enters the general mélée on the —. and the moment the train stops he must dash of it in the neighbourhood of the lu -van, and z lf ggage : into the thic make for his individual Scramble ” that has been latterly occupyin columns of a contemporary, has provoked the sub- ce :— Srz,—There is only one course open to a ‘“‘ Trurp Inquirer,” if he on his arrival at a London Terminus. prepared are numerous, he find it hot work, and may require to have recourse to a deal of hitting- out, but it is the only way. [ama and can speak with seme experience; and only last Tuesday, on frequent passenger up to Town, eriving at Paddington, I managed to point out and carry off to my four-w than a couple of black eyes and a fared worse had it not train, and lent me a lit Yours self-help: welcHT,’ who arrived at a Cen for the eeler seven boxes in as many minutes, with no more damage shoulder. I might have presence of a ing Baronet and a Colonel of Dragoons, who happened to be travelling in the same d tle kindly assistance in getting my things clear of the barrier. ‘* Looking on expectantly,” which appears to bea Trwrp Inqureer’s” recipe, though it does not seem to have procured him his Inggage will not inly suit fully, Tue Man wHo won’r Wart. S12,—Your Cormepensens, ‘A Dispersep Toree Honprep- London Terminus on last Thursday week, and has not yet succeeded in collecting his thirteen packages should take a leat out of my book. I have been in the habit of travelling with a considerable quently of luggage, and a om and for some time have run up to Town by the Flying ustman, counted myself fortunate if I have man loss of merely one or two little worse last Chris perl rush and scramble, 1 evised a plan which I portmanteaus. ve the journey with the ings, however, getting a tmas, when on one occasion, owing to the was unable to secure any of my effects, out with every success. I have had my boxes labelled conspicuously, ‘‘ Dynamite—With Great Care.” The result has crowd has cleared off, my 1 platform. The label has attracted 5 any a that after the struggling remained untouched upon the the attention of the In- sector, and I have been given, as a matter of course, into custody ind taken, with my luggage, to the nearest Police Station, where a careful examination has soon have been some slight delay in the found it successful, and can confidently recommend it to anyone who wishes to make sure of receiving his } Terminus without personal injury. discovered my ruse. Though there may , yet I have invariably ugenge on arrival at a London ours, &c., A Txoventrot TRAVELLER. Str,—The only safe method of being able to secure your luggage at the end of a journey is to take it ali into the carriage with you. This I invariably do, and the way I effect it is by things in egg-boxes. Four of these, six feet long in breadth and height, are easily crammed into sixteen respectively in ing all my ten inches by = alien] eompertenes and as cover the whole fi tnd entirely monopolise af fil both ‘the ee nets, some of the other passengers may possi in, alittle good-humoured badi- bly com nage, spiced with firmness, reveraly stioc to overcome all objection. Care should be taken that ond fixed aloft do not, as pom rt mae wil happen, come down on the heads of the other occupants of the carriage, but even with this drawback, the’advan’ things immediately under is effected with Yenience, I have the honour to be your obedient servant, of having your a journey, is 80 matter of comparatively 1 — dankeneeudy with a little pushing the sand con- PRacticaL, Sz,—I have read the Correspondence on the so-called ‘‘ Scramble” for Luggage at the London and other tt a loss to understand the difficulty of which the writers ———_. ore They have only to follow m they start let them have Pn wear a light overcoat ey porters, h platf the ‘he attention of be particular railway termini, and am which is simplicity itself. boxes painted, straps and all, some t primary colour, say pose Fang or let the whe can at the same time ace and purse la oT Cait in cab with’ all bio Lffects «few minutes he will thout him, At least such has been Yours hopefully is allowed owner of this the same hue. On alighting on the of his dress instantly will attract to whom he can announce the fact y ured, and while d with a well-filled od experience of ly and civilly transferred to his cab for public fessional him on the instant of arrival, there is only one course open to a British traveller, and that is, to take no luggage with him at all. At least that is the conclusion to which I have come ; and | can only advise all those who value the avoidance of a street-row to follow my example, and have their things transmitted after them, as I do mine, by Parcels Post. Twenty seven-pound packages will be found ample for — pane and berg —s may be some, Seosepenanse in pos' an ivery, 1 ‘or a moment to be we against the annoyance and aNpnation © by one “he tas been in, but is now, he trusts, for ever Out oF THE ScRAMBLE. THE PICTURE PAPERS. eee end rd the i “ Fife Hoyal Highness the Prince of Wale taking’ his bat too httie boy blue mounted on a curious sort of animal, presumably a pony, with the object apparently of how beautifully his hair been arranged this m in and quite an advertise- ment for H.R.H.’s coiffeur. H.R.H. is ted as having gone h a severe course of ‘‘ Ban —80 t has the artist made his'figure—and wearing such ously fitting breeches, with- out a sign of any button or other fastening above the boot ; so that the appearance of these immaculate and creaseless hunting breeches reminds us of the chorus of the song popular two years ago—in the crutch and toothpick period,— ** How did you get your trousers on ? And did they hurt you much ?” which is exactly what would occur to any right-minded an on seeing this picture of His Royal Highness in the Ilustrated London News. lf the picture be correct in il, then the sooner the whole party are engaged at Sanger's or at Hengler’s (where they used to play at’ Foxhunting) the better for either of these entertain- ments and for the hunt. What torture they must suffer in that Royal hunting get-up! ‘Get up,”—but how do they ever get up” on to their horses = on ight fits? They must be lifted by cranes and into their es. A propos of Illustrated Papers, the fun of the original photos is entirely lost, without an explanation underneath, in the reproduction of ‘* Reading a Tragedy ” and ‘‘ The Elopement ”’ in the yey and Dramatic. How * Rapier” must envy the coloured al Stag Hounds in the Illustrated! His frontispiece of Miss Paris Broventon is very nearly as charming as the original; one of the best reproductions of a photograph we’ve seen for some time. The Illustrated Papers, as a rule, ought to give His Royal Highness a handsome salary. Can't they let poor Royalty have a little rest just for one week? Let’s seea few numbers without any of ‘em in. The English people won’t forget their existence. WHAT WE HOPE WILL BE Ma. Winans’ MAXIM BEFORE LONG.— The ‘‘ game” is not worth the “‘ scandal.” Extract From A New Work sy aw Exiuep Si A MAN OF BROAD VIEWS. oit’s fit snd vilined 20. Lord Roszssry at Sheffield said, *T like to look all round myself.” i i GAO aN ES

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocropzr 31, 1885, —_—_—_——— —— Vi i nh vi . y i] Ht { S4 ) | hi itil Wi MI | G | i | re Wf ‘ “* DEPRESSION.” Tourist (tipping the old Gravedigger, who had shown him over the Cathedral). “| supross, NOW sO MANY VISITORS ARE IN THE TOWN, YOU'LL BE DOING WELL!” Gravedigger, “OU AYR, THERE'S A WHEEN FowkK GAUN ABOOT, BUT ”— (gloomily)—‘* THERE 'S TERR’BLE LITTLE DERIN’ IN THE Diaorn’ wayE!” PAPER-KNIFE POEMS. (By Our Special Book-marker.) “HOW TO BE HAPPY THOUGH MARRIED.” Ir wholesome advice you can brook, — When single too long you have tarried ; If comfort you’d gain from a book, When very muc d No doubt you should speedily look, In How to be Happy though Married ! “NUMBER NINETY-NINE.” Ir you’re willing, for a shilling, To receive a thorough thrilling— Read a tale by Antuur Gruirrirus, of most excellent | design ; it is cunning in invention, And will rivet your attention, Till you reach the final chapter of this Number Ninety. Nine ! .'‘ UNDER WHICH KING, BEZONIAN?” | Iw the last number but one, Mr. Punch’s Irregular Reviewer attributed that excellent work, entitled Food and Feeding, to Sir Henny HoLianp. Roseemy including the Irregular Reviewer himself, Sir Henny THompson. The Cry of the Unemployed. Tue Parties, with loud rival rub-a-dub-dub, __ th swear that they pity our work-less condition. When it comes to assistance Jox gives us a snub, And SaLissury—grants a Commission Ah! a stone is no substitute, surely, for bread, ss Whether dropped in one’s pocket or shied at one’s head! wedded and harried ; body knows, ie book is by We at once reminded our young man of the lapsus calami, and he said he regretted the calami-ty, and supposed that, if Sir Henny Hottayp had written it, the book would have been called The Dutch ** And,” we added, in the publishing interest, “published by Warne & Co.” young Reviewer retorted, ‘‘ Who said it Warne't?” However, as he has since ex sauce Hollandaise, we have forgiven him, and he hu ordered a Thompsonian Octagonian dinner at the Caié Royal, with some Pape Clement pour arroser le perdreau, To which that flippant ssed contrition for his REVISED VERSIONS ! (A propos of some “ Second Notices,” with an entirely New and Original Suggestion.) Srr,—While absent on my holiday tour round the world in a month—that is, as far as I could travel on the road in that amount of time and back again—and here I may mention that [ have frequently started for my great tour round the world, and seldom got further than Boulogne,—well, Sir, while away from London, no matter where I was, several pieces were produced, and I read what were intended to be first-night criticisms upon them in some of the pepers. Now, a short while ago, a certain writer was taken to task by un- certain writers for expressing his opinion that it was a most difficult thing, if not almost an impossible one, for a theatrical critic to pro- nounce a final verdict on any piece from merely seeing it on one of the usual unsatisfactory first nights. A first-night audience is not an audience which represents the public, nor is a first-night’s per- formance of a piece, let the rehearsals have been as perfect as can be, at all the same thing as the sixth or seventh representation of it. So, when I gathered from these criticisms that there was not much in the Sameaee of The Vicar of Wideawakefield, that caricatures of Lxvove had been overdone, and that the parody, which some senti- mentalists considered equivalent to —y- = ue GoLDsMITH’s Vicar of Wakefield torsooth |—was only saved % Miss Lavra Luvper’s dangerous talent of closely imitating Miss Ertew Txaxr, I said to myself, this is merely the utterance of a critic on seeing an imperfect first-night’s performance ; nous verrons, a wes Bone = ay i oo same pa ’ pro y same hands ’ t the parody is delicately done, that Mr. Anruur Roperts as the Vicar is very y, and praise given to Miss LinpEN is repeated, and considerably strengthened. ving recently seen this burlesque, I should say that as a parodied plot it is unintelligible; but as an Miss Lavea Luypen for the critics: it is, 1 am inform ving will perhaps be “‘ second notices” of this piece. The critics, again, seeing Mr. Comrws Carr's Dark Days on the ook their heads over it, admitted the cleverness of Mr. Bezrsonme Tree's acting, but generally damned it with faint praise. Now “‘second notices” have appeared. graph critic says, in his notice, first-night’s first ni ee ge taste at all, then entertainment offering ates to Mr. Anruur Ropenrs and owing how droll they can be when carics- turing Invixe and Eten Terry, itis very funny ; but there is to much of a good thing, and this joke is about half an hour too long. The Japs, at the Novelty Theatre, was pronounced a disaster by ed, drawing crowded houses, There The Daily Tele October 22nd, laying it down a8 ral rule, “‘on’a first night there is invariably a tendency to drag. Ominous pauses and inevitable hesitations stop with- out which no play can be wholly interesting.” Let his own dictum, and be guided by it when : ormance. I hope the next play he witnesses 0 § performed by “‘ electric actors,” but he must also in mind that the less electricity in the House, the gas is required—specially in the criticisms or notices, or W the article may be, rightly or wrongfully, styled. ft The pressure put by the public on \ouraslists to supply the & news is fatal to the few chances there are of the critic ‘nt a just verdict on the real merits of a picoe which he sees, for te i i then imperfectly played. writes about another criticisms are to direct pu e critics should be considered as Grand Juryme, etre either Seow Ct iy of the play, - send it to be tried, it is not their province I remem s danas tele damaol’ cn tas ian woe tation, all the talents who sat in the seat of the scornful—I mean pied by the critics—and yet in 3 i town.” Then came *E || | Sak ei mE ae

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es ~ 3 BRERGESAEE ita PeSFEae Fa" sFB || & = BRERESSREBEBZEA ASECE Ocroper 31, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | AMI elt . Ul Mei will thiif | it alii Fl WI | il == Nn A mM b w - inte, * — Ly j eal my | Hy 171. Ren. THE BURMESE TOAD. been touched, not one line of it, nor any alteration whatever made in its chance audience just like any other night. 3. Let the public it. But the Scornful -Ones had to justify themselves{in their own A Author told me of a recent case in point, but I forget the name of the piece, For my own part, as an Unprofessional Critic, I have entered into a solemn and covenant with myself never again to write about 8 performance, and only on very exceptional occasions to t at a premiére. ions :—1. Let there be no first-night come out, and let the first night take es. I dare say it is much’ the same in the present instances. f express its opinion by going or staying away. sional critics, who declare tt | boldly, as I sign this, and am, Sir, your own Church in Danger ! ”—Charch-ill! 4. Let the profes- write out of pure love of the | Drama, see a piece several times, and, after its withdrawal, let their | well-considered and then probably valuable criticisms appear, signed Fiexiste Nipps, Rattyine Cay vor THE Tory Democerats.—Instad of “ The

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216 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Ocroper 31, 1885, THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. VI.--From tae Unstzerrne Partwer. Birmingham, Tuesday. is — ie seers, ww ST ARVANA pone -0 | \ Nala aera ana? Nh ‘ % ++ ae wt AR aly way i ‘ x a8 La " & Pe : ? ( 4 O85 inn: vii as Ne Zari: Oni -. ED oni ih ’ #2 * - \ SS . RAR Topsy, You will doubtless’ have seen some- thing in the newspapers about my visitors. But perhaps it would be well if you had an authoritative account of what passed. Just now vhe newspapers (or some of them) are pursuing me with a malignancy that occasionally disregards truth. I am, I su , about the best-abused man in the three kingdoms. All the ani- mosity that used to be directed against Gi-pset-NE and Br-eurt is now con- centrated upon me. G. and B., to the Tory mind, have become respectable members of society, a respectability which brings into fuller light my vileness. I don’t care very much for this. I’m a hard hitter myself, and, as the poet says, those who play at bowls must expect rubbers. Still, where one has the sogertuaity of giving a matter-of-fact account of a particular event it is just as well to do so. Well, I was on Friday morning sitting in my room at Highbury, enjoying a peaceful moment and a large cigar. I had been hard at work for some weeks, as you know. Here was a quiet day intervening, and I was in the mood to enjoy it. had got a new French novel, and was deep in its perusal, when I was startled by the sound of heavy footfalls, and the murmur of many voices. ** Adown the glen March armed men,” I observed to myself, for I have of late, in the course of much speech-making, acquired the habit of dropping into poetry,—other people's, of course. What could it be? Had a revolution broken out, was a Republic proclaimed, and were these the people coming in search of their first President? Or was it some device of the enemy? Were they about to surround the house, kidnap me, and keep me out of the way till the General Elections were over? That course of procedure, though a little unusual, would not be out of keeping with some remarks of the Conservatives. The other day, one of them expressed a burning desire to see me hung, which is going a step f than seeing me kidnapped. It might be necessary for me to fly. But how, and whither ? Whilst I was debating these questions, the door opened, and a servant, pale as death, with chattering teeth and hair uprisen, said, ‘ Please, Sir, the house is surrounded. There’s tens of thousands of ’em, and they want to see you.” I will not say 1 was entirely unmoved, but I would not show my discomposure before a servant. Fixing my eye-glass firmly in my right eye, I said, ‘‘ Whe are the gentlemen? Rather inconvenient calling thus early in the day, and in what appears to be considerable numbers. Did they mention their names?” “No, Sir,” said the man, ‘there 's too many of ’em for that.” ‘ Well, ask them to send in a few of their cards—a hundred or so. Take a hat-box with you to put them in, and be very civil.” he man did not seem to relish the mission. But he went off, and I was left alone with perturbed thoughts, as you may imagine. If it was a Republican demonstration I would send them to D-txz. It would be just as well to see how he got on with the Presidency before undertaking it myself. If, on the other hand, kidnapping was meant, time was everything, and half-an-hour or so spent in parley would affurd opportunity for reseue. Again the door opened and three men ared on the threshold. They were in the attire of the British workman, and a difficulty with their caps, which turned round and round in their hands as if they were making something. They cm.’ tainly were not very truculent in appearance. “* Wel, | my friends, and what do you want?” I said, pleasantly | Their caps revolved at i 8 They looked x! each other, each waiting for the other to speak, at la! one said: ** We want work.” I saw it all now, It was the Unemployed of Birming. ham who in this extremely inconvenient manne come to ap to me, the Champion of the labouring’ classes, to do something for them in the concrete. Then! was no danger of kidnapping or embarrassment of hono | thrust upon me. Still it was well todissemble. “ A» are you alone ?”’ I asked, in gentlest tones. ‘' No,” said one of the men, ‘‘ there ’s a few more’n us outside,” “4 matter of five or six hundred,” said another. Then I changed my tone, and the position of my eye. glass. ‘ What!” I cried to the trembliog deputatin, ‘do you mean to say that, because you cannot get work, you march five or six hundred strong, Een i residence of a gentleman, disturb his st pursued for the national good, cut np his lawn with hob-nail and ruffle the surface of his gravel-walks. What have done that 1 should suffer thus? I have, it is true, eas, west, north, and south, ied the doctrine of the natural - of the poor. But it is not one of them that you should arise in your thousands and invest my private house,” Much more of the same kind I said. The men edge nearer and nearer the door, finally disappearing through it, leaving me still declaiming. After a while I heard again the tramp of many feet. But instead of advanci the sound was retiring. The mobhad dispersed as suddenly and swiftly as it had come up. There, Tony, that’s the simple truth of this remarkable episode, of which there are many di versions current. I have no proof of it yet, and therefore only hint at a very strong suspicion that the whole thing was one of R-np-tpn’s pranks, and that he, through his agents here, secretly incited these men to pay mes morning Of this you may hear more when the affidavits are complete. In the meantime, I remain, yours truly, To Tony, M.P., The Kennel, Barks, 4+ CH-MB-uL-¥. TUPPER RETUPPER’D. [Under the head of ‘‘ The Voter’s Motto,” our Ancient Guide, Proverbial Philosopher and Friend burst out into poetry in last | Thursday’s Globe. We have set part of it to our own notes. *** For Church and State!’ our fathers’ honoured toast.” [But was it so, when Rs ruled the roast ? : ** Roast” meaning martyrs,—as to take we ’re loth sides, We mean, dear Tupper, martyrs ‘‘ done on both sides.” ‘“* Shall Atheistic scorn and Jesuit guile Make Negemiau quit his work awhile?” [That ’s stirring ; but permit us to inquire, ived Jesuits in the time of Nenemian ? That Atheists did, we know; at least their school Was typified by Davin as “‘ The Fool.” A calm succeeds to this poetic storm,— ] ‘“* Let no man shrink from wise and just reform. But, with a firm and faithful yet kind hand Prune cankers and corruptions from the land.” [Prune them! That treatment we ’re inclined to doubt For ** cankers and corruptions,’”’—burn them out ; | Destroy them utterly, as you’d a pest, Or they ll corrupt and canker allthe rest. Then, after you have told us who’s ‘‘ your friend,” A loving couplet doth your verses end. b ; ** So shall both Church and State survive this strife, And dwell at pense with all, as man and wife.” [At peace wit hough, f Lt. weet oo ther Though, for a ce sake, thei Ww. smother. Respectable alliance! You’ve snlenee Heard of a “‘ Mariage de Convenance” ? That ’s modern Church and State. ’Twould better be, If this is so, that each one should be free. We offer no opinion, though sure There ’s something in the words of Count Cavovn.] ‘To jadge by his foreign policy,” observed « member of the eal ‘Lord SaLisBURY seems quite at home abroad, and—rice versa,” —ao @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In ip aduengel cal Dane ens eee whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. be returned, unless sccompanied REG Soda, Pot Por Gout

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocronsg 31, 1885. ‘THE STOMACH GOVERNS THE WORLD,’-coem como

TT — Wy \ al HO YF sy A DEPARTED ERRORS. = Be; “OUR PAST becomes the Mightiest PY oer. | La ae 3 ! Teacher to our FUTURE. Looking back an fae he yi i over the tombs of DEPARTED ERRORS, sk aa aie ~> iY V4 we behold by the side of each the face of at led + pak | a WABNING ANGEL.” —Lord Lytion. > ers ni . - t+20° ‘B)\ i | \j!! oF a FS AVOID te INJURIOUS EFFECTS rmUng- | , ‘ Mi ij TIMULANTS.—The present system of living— Manner | NN) Wy condi of too rich -s as pastry, saccharine and fatty ourine | { 1) substances, alcoholic drinks, and an insufficient amount of uring | 4 | a ay Ae aren deranges the liver. I would advise all There at c bilious people~-unless they are careful to k the liver acting honou = > or exercise great care in the use tlouholic drinks ; ; “ And : avoi ay =e and always dilute largely with water. Experience Weal % B\. oon co mild ales, port wine, dark sherrics, sweet H sud N jueurs, and brand , ere all very apt to di lenge: e Al | = = ieee "white wines, and gin’ or whiskey largely dilued with a +, will be found the least objectionable, ENO'S y \ FRUIT SALT is peculiarly adapted for any constitutional oe weakness of the Missy C it possesses the power of reps ration atin, hen digestion has been disturbed or lost, and places the : invalid on the right t track to health, A world of woes is rivate avoided by all who use ENO'S FRUIT SALT, therefore 1ed for family should be without it. \ FIFALTHY ACTION OF THE LIVER.— bile, ha’ = = or Yellow Tinge of the Skin, Bick Headache, Fevers ve > = — = success of ENO’B FRUIT SALT throughout the world has —— — inks —F S = firmly established the fact that it promotes the se paraiion of st my 4 0— . -_—= the bile from the blood (by natural means), which is then 0 Wa 2 mm rom stem, thus preventing and curing Fevers, Wo poenet f the ay bh d kK edged = “Lino sete St lood Poisons, and other dangerous diseases. rough ULU WAR.—SURVEYINGT MAPUTA RIVER.—IMPORTANT TO TRAVELLERS AND ALL LEAVING HOME FOR A CHANGE. heard “Winchester, July 18, 1884.—Sir,—I write to tell you what your FRUIT SALT has done for me. During the Zulu War, Consul O'Neil and myself bad occasion to survey the nei: puta River. e had great difficulties in stowing sufficient fresh water for our need, and were obliged on our return to drink the river water—water you may call it, but I cal) it | y id mad; mud banks both sides, a tropical sun all day, and a miasmatic dew all night. We had the good fortune, however, to have with us a couple of bottles of your invalual y UIT SALT, and never took the * water’ without a ju icious admixture of it, and so did not suffer from the abominable concoction. Now, when we arrived at Lorenzo Mar: yuay, - was no more FRUIT SALT to be obtained. I was sent on to Durban, but poor Mr, O'Neil was on the flat of his back with agne. At Durban I could only get one bottle, ns rkable every one was sold ont, it being so much in demand. When I mention that we only went in a small boat with four niggers, and that two expeditions from men-of-war, with fu rsions | pped boats, had t the survey before, and only got forty miles (baying lost the greater part of their crews through the malaria), while we got over eighty miles, I think I : : cele aly doing justice in putting our eyecess down to your excellent preparation.—I am, Sir, yours faithfully, A Lizvrewawt, R.N., F.R.G.8. ToJ. 0. Ewo, Esq., Hatcham London, 8 i ay) Ts SECRET OF da —* A new invention is brought before the Public, and commands success. A acore of abominable imitations are immediately int:o iu g was by the yay ay be the original closely enough to deceive the Publie, and yet not so exactly as to infringe upon legal rights, exercise an ingenuity tha h his} employed in an original channel, fail to s.cure reputation and profit.”—Apams. me 4 (AUTION,—Eg@amine each Ste and see the Capsule is marked “ ENO’S FRUIT SALT.” Without it, you i been imposed on @ worthless n the imitation. Sold by all Chemists. Directions in Sixteen Languages, How to Prevent D isease, v PREPARED ONLY AT ZNO's FRUIT SALT WORKS, SATCHAM, LONDON, SE.. BY J. C. ENO’S PATENT. ERY GARDEN and eve AL WHISKY eo Ls. | ire KARDENER ied wih a sap cet PRIZE, MEDAI ., WHISKY of | cou wevat, paris EXMIBITION, 1878, prices ranging from &flany a ! cked, an 7 f wae) port in the British Isles. Por full pa ; §IX PRIZE MEDALS FOR | ‘KINAHAN’S ot ply © ERVING & CO., Havant, Hampesnire. Pat ee 1876 oes Medal, Paris, 2 ae: “TuE gpaan f. iret Prize _ ydmey , 1879 ; ’ Three P ed” aie “The National Table Waters.” | ,, RY 4, PURE MED AMD ff Shas "Perfect see | — VERY fin i » fall flavor end and | vuittidte’ kup 5) | — et : Good tie ar 4p WuOLeooME, WHISKY. LIVER Ol L ast” ELLIS’S “TJNQUESTIONABLY as fine | te prize MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1905, | | ‘Ts as nearly tasteless ax Cod-Liver | Jurors’ Award, Cork Exhibition, ssa: 20, GREAT TITCHFIELD 6TREBT,LONDON, W. Oil can be.”—Lancet, id r . “ No nauseous eructations follow after st es, | RUTHIN THIS FINE OLD IRISH it is swallowed."’— Medica! Preas | van feiss 24 ~ 4S A Ce pion — It can be borne and digested by the = pm te in casks end Geass bg nated vv most delicate ; bby only ol which does , “repeat ;” or reasons the CORK DISTILLERIES lous kind in use. Io cap- REGISTERED. WATERS THE LIMITED, Morrison bottles only, 1/4, 2/6, 4/9, & 9/- sone SETS CHAMPAGNE, ||mnia Sole, Potass, Seltzer, Lemonade, Aromatic A R oF y I ’ TISSOT FRERES’, Allen & Hanburys’ Malt Extract Te Gout; Lithig Water, end Lithie and ae GA bole e powestel ath to digestion” ithia Water, and 4 a pow aid to digestion Potass Water. HIGHLAND MALT 57s. and 66s. per Dozen. ASK FOR ELLIS’S. WHISKEY. |= ibt Sop Everrwaene. ELEVEN YEARS OLD LI B E RTY & CO., ADKIEL MANAC for bed GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, a 5 d KIEL or MLE ADDRESS—R. ELUS & SOM, RUTHIM, 250. the Gall; 60s. the Doz. Spring Gardens, Charing Cross. Z 5 ALM Cireuletion over NORTH WALES. Canaisoe Pas. Casu Once. soo 4 140,00. Contains Voie of the Bars, Weather Pre lentes b bree dicttone, - phic. Zadkiel fhe Sapien gents: W. BEST & SONS = Scns tie ation, | Henrietia Street, Cavendish Square. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., M C AL ’ be “Londo: Covmms 8 be, 5, York Bereel, Covent es 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N.W. : ae . BOTTLING STORES— ¢ | Bioomseusy Mansion, Haar Sraeer, W.C. | BRIDES eae | ete ere | | DAY SANDU : ; AWARDL LEA & PERRING’ SAUCE. In consequence of Imitations of y LEA & PERRINS’ SAUCE, 0X TONGUES which are calculated to deceive the Public, . wae =< beg todraw tion to the factthat h bottle of the al and Genuine WORGESTERSHIRE SAUGE * f Moree | Dees rs eee nee SAUCE Proprietors, Worcester sidiiadl yt. -y @ Buscewsu, Lowden und Export Oilmes : : ot Retail by Dealers in

seas he alae una Gne—

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON COHARIVARL —Oocrossr 31, 1885. THE MONT DORE, BOURNEMOUTH, RESIDENTIAL AND BATH ESTABLISHMENT. Fitted with every convenience and | , and complete with all the necessaries requisite for THE MONT DORE OURE. Comprising Mont Dore Waie im from the Springs at Auvergne, France, for —s Inhalation of Vapour and Pulverised Water, and for Nasal and Throat ; Halls for Inhalation. Vapour Baths, Hot and Temperate Baths Douches supplied with Mont Dore Water, under the personal supervision of Dr, EMOND, Principal Physician at Mont Dore, Auvergne, Also extensive arrangement of both for general and Medical treatment, supplied with Sea Water a froaahe Sea, including luxurious Turkish Baths, Needle, Wave, Spine, and other Douches ; Vapour, Hot, Temperate, Pine, and other Medioal Naat Visitors not requiring Medicinal treatment received as Residents. 120 Bed-rooms, Sitting-rooms, Dining, Drawing, Reading, Billiard, Smoking, and Balj. Rooms. Hydraulic Lifte, Table d’HOte, Lawn Tennis Courts, Gardens, and every convenience and advantage of a First-class Continental Hotel. For Tarig and Full Particulars, apply to Mr. and Mrs. TUCKER, Manager and Manageress, Mont Dore, Bournemouth Tae Mont Dore OMNIBUS MEETS ALL TRAINS AT THE EAST AND WEST STATIONS. STERLING FRY’S PURE nao oe vonesMouste COCOA Prepared by a new and special scientific process. SILVER. The OCEAN and the ANIMAL and VEGETABLE WORLDS laid under TABLE CONTRIBUTION to furnish forth an ELIXIR of HEALTH, ss0ons ok ee A Combination of all that is INVIGORATING, AND FORKS. REFRESHING, CooLING, and DELIGHTFUL, drawn from the most Warrantable Sources, * WHOLESALE In SUMMER.—Semphire Soap keeps the body delightfully cool, checks - excessive perspiration, and maintains the normal action of the skin, ; PRICES. In WINTER.—Samphire Soap prevents chaps and roughness, and renders | the skin soft and lissome, in a manner no other agent can do, CATALOGU ES Ten-Shillingsworth (20 Tablets) of Samphire Soap provides a perennial Sea-Bath. FREE. OF ALL CHEMISTS, GROCERS, ITALIAN WAREHOUSEMEN, &c. J.C. & J. FIELD, Coun Meat Ozoxenit Canove Wonks, Lameeru, $.E. GOLD MEDAL, ANTWERP, 1885. MAPPIN ay So tee ar tay ASTHMA. COUGH. BRING & WEBB, sn ¥ : PATTERNS ot | Ove ot hae Grog tena at MANUFACTURERS, POULTRY, CITY AY FEVER, and SHOR RIALS for the | ® Persons who est, Present Season, velustle, as ‘they instantly check’ the (Mansion-House Buildings) ; and These are for- | promote sleep, and allow the patient to pas OXFORD ST., W.; LONDON, rfectly harmless, and may be warded post free, most ne poe 2 together with the » 26. 64., frome W SILVER MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, LONDON, 1964 ILLUSTRATED Cavtion.—To guard against frondulet PRICE LIST, con- | imitatigne, see that each bor bears the nemed taining 250 En- | “ Wilepr 4 Co., 23%, Oxford Street, Londen gravings, illustra- ting the most j becoming and ; fashionable styles 5 K | of Costame for the INFANTS. £ Gentle | 4isowell adapted for HEERING’S Ten youna dope, | oaaoaeeee IVIL ONLY GENUINS “Bion” Suit, and Ladies. Ta Oxty PERFECT COPENHAGEN | auch idols, wuprirain at, | ‘Sumnnvra re FO 0D, Moda.s, & 67, ill, w, E.C, 8 MI sitittie CHERRY Bi Jay a mene ER | nomen yh ee Mc ae ° Y i in Engiand and roan remo, BRANDY. ne Grove” MORTLOCE’S _ | Pemntst tary trun. sorte manwte To res Rorat Dawwe ano lureaiat Rossman MYRTLE G le Cowers, a=p H.A.M. ras Pauce or Wats. ’ a —|CHINA AND CLASS | PEPPER'S , LUCERNE CONDENSED K Y N S SERVICES, QUININE AND IRON t" PURE ; NEUF RALGIC EM. THE ques at & oovars of EUROPE, Seed @ - Invaluable in sev LTH. —_— | = — ra MILK. Pee LR P| LLS. LARGEST COLLECTION IN LONDON. BESTRENGTH. NIC ne ES nie Me ig mach more taccicnt, ere tesle, where tnere ie nervous | Patterns Carriage Paid. Discount i6per Cent. | 9 Deas, ars Mental, and Digws wins aochicnct ida ao. | Sy, decent toot Sytyeria.geenne | OXFORD ST. & ORCHARD ST., W. abn inet te SODA, 3s. 6d. per Dozen, cDweppre’ 6 ssh Sate Rw CPPS Sicie Waters = SE

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HANDBOOK OF THE FARM SERIES, in Volumes, price 2s. 6d. each. Pie Volumes are part of a series discussing | 1, THE GHEMISTRY OF THE FARM. | 5, THE PLANT LIFE OF THE FARM, tw Culivated Plants, the Farm and Estate | 2. THE SOIL OF THE FARM, 6. THE EQUIPMENT OF THE FARM, esoment, the Chomictry of Agriouiture and | 3, THE LIVE STOGK OF THE FARM, | 7, THE DAIRY OF THE. FARM. seer Aone & Cen Bowen Se. ec. | 4. THE GROPS OF THE FARM. | 8, ANIMAL LIFE ON THE FARM, — la * “~A ~~ ~a™_ 2 Greta “UD a, WV ~ » ° fr + » m m “3ON3d VOLUME EIGHTY- NINE. —— , NOVEMBER, 7, PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, " Is AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, SODA, 3s. 6d. per Dozen, g eDpDwe euch. exclusive of Bottles ebweppe "ES iole Waters

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON. CHARIVARL—Novemser 7, 1885; THE MACAZINE o: ART For NOVEMBER, PRICE ONE SHILLING, Forms the FIRST PART of a NEW VOLUME, and contains a beautiful PHOTOGRAVURE. ‘The st written and best Illus- trated of the Art periodicals.” Grophie. CASSELL & OOMPANY, Laureep. Now Ready, crown $v0, 7s. 64. NGLISH LIFE IN CHINA. 7 ae w HENRY KNOLLYS, Royal Arti- y r of “From Sedan t Bal tor of * 5~ idents im the Bepoy War,’ in the China War. &&e Lente on _Surva, Pvowa, & Co., 14. Waterloo Place hans b tick,” * Tacisents NEw NOVEL BY D. CHRISTIE MU K RAY. At all the Libraries, in 3 vols., post 6ro AINBOW GOLD. Ky D CUMISTIE MU REST, Author of “ Joseph's Coat,” * Coaleef Fire, Lendon Suirn Scoen, &Ce:, 19, Wabelion Place. A NEW POEM BY LORD TENNYSON. See MACMILLAN'S MAGA for Novensza MACMILLAN’ S MAGAZINE | for Novenncn, price One Shilling, contalas:— Vastness. Hy | ord Tepnysom Culture aad Science. A. FE. Sommenscheia. Austria s Policy in the East. On Classic Ground The Depression of “English” By W Bome American Notes. Gouverneur M the Prench Revolution. Mra Dymenty Citeterse MAXIL—EXZARV. By Mr iichie¢ Aline Thackeray). As Indian Village. MACMI ILLAN & ©0., Baptiste LONDON. RUDDER GRANGE. Hy F KR. STOCKTON. is story, sparkling with Wit and hamour bdin.: Davi Dovecaas, and at ali Booksellers and Nookstalls GTAMMERERS and 8TU Bhould read. little book writien by Mr. B. Beaster, who CURED HIMSELF. after suffering tor than Tasery Yesee Green Bavk House Green, near Mirmingham. Free for 13 stamps. “A delightful ZADKIEL'S ALMANAC for) 1886, the Year of Change. Circulation over 140,000. Containe Volce of the Stars, W+ atuer Pre- dictions, Hieroglyphic. Zadhkvel f retold the — Advance In Alghani-tan, the BSoadan Ex ac —Londen Covuns & Lo, 3, Yosk Stree ‘Covent Garten. Price td, scales Cp OMPANY HEAD OrFices LONDON & ABERDEEN ACCUMULA FUND t 2,993,000. | Published at 13, Bedford Street, Covent Garden, RODRIGUES’ MONO The ARMS, CREST AND ADDREss “ Sweet when the Mforn is grey, A sweet Tobacco of the highest class, excellent either in Pipe or Cigarette. Manufactured In Bond by W. D. & H. O. WILLS. =~. |IROSES Well rooted, many shooted, truly named, of matured LADY'S ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE. All the Mew and Fashionstis yy, | Heaatorw Enxonavine, Fainting & | ~ A VISITING CARD pry Elegantly bograved, and 10 supertas ag RODRIGUES, 42, Piccadilly HOWARD'S PARQU FLOOR COVERING ( Calverley.) vigorous giowth, and of the best kinds. Bushes, yy “Uf | win a 6s. per doz., 60s, per 100. Standards, ise. per dos., A JOURNAL DEVOTED TO FASHIONS ee ner tek Sedtiine ond Goatit fens ter tens }: TALS EXCLUSIVELY. with Order | Fe i Price THESE WORLD-FAMED ROSES CANKOT aS SIXPENCE FAIL ro GIVE rae GREATEST SATISFACTION. ; mae ake DESCRIPTIVE LISTS of aboveand following free 1 Monthly on application :—FP, uit Trees, Evergreens, Flower | Post Free, 6¢ ing Shrule (Ss. per cox.), Clematis 12s. to 24s. per | Bash menthiy Part cen doz.), Kosesin Pots 18s. to Ms. per doz.), Herba tains about 900 Iestra- | °”™* #™4 Aipine Piants (a good selection, 4¢. per do abe )00), V 3s. 6d. to 108 oe BR a Need | og = Goocuhotee Pianta, Forest Trees, Beods, Bulbs, £0. | fiat Paper Patterns, &c wear stascx.” p> | RIGHARD SMITH & CO lished pInirtece I Tae. "~~ fa arta WORCESTER. epotalion | ~ a op. IMPERISHABLE AND ECONOM! 26, BERNERS STREE, OXFORD.-MITRE HOTE ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMIC FIRST-CLASS HOTEHIS IN THE Kite CLIFTONVILLE HOTE near MAKGATE. Un the High it and lose tothe Sea. Present Terms fore ment of New beason, Halt-a-Guince including @ 3s. Bed-room. Atter dance. mm board. LEWI> JePFERe, Resident Mana: ing Dw SMITHS cows LIVE-LO NG DIGESTIVE cea PSA a GOLD MEDAL, ANTWERP, 1885. -Coloured castes | Bastion with Taree ‘TADDY & CO., LONDON. | and Extra Supplement containing Novelties and | GVELL or 175% New Needlework, is. Monthly; Post Free, ls. 3d j | TA0GYS S SHU FS ARE ALL, TRE we WD w.c , Lenton, and to be obtained from all Book Sellers, Newsvendors, & “You SHouno TRy THEIR, Jivatis GROVE” | § ’ SCOTT'S EMULSION OF PURE COD LIVER OIL | With Hypophosphites of Lime & Soda. PALATABLE AS MILK. LARGEST COLLECTION IN LONDON The only preparation of COD LIVER OIL that can be taken readiy and tole- Be ° Dp Euiss rour Con Fie ie roma whan Re wae tin 1984.) *1 4 am An oY ‘ 46. ; Post, Wis ab a ald, to buy only that prepares 4 SHENSTONE (late Surra & Sasyeton Ma.ufaecturing ‘ hemist, COLCHFSTER CONDYS FLUID Disinfectants are most neces] Cold Weather. When doo windows are closed, the air = becomes impure. A dish conte CON DY’S FLUID should bep in all inhabited rooms. CAUTION.—Genuine Condy's bears the name of CONDY MITCHELL at foot of late ROWLANDS MORTLOCK’ S CHINA AND GLASS: SERVICES, as supplied to B.M. THE QUIEN and the COURTS of EUROPE. FrECTIONS, ANEMIA, Gewurat Desitiry, | Avepens and Tuz0a? Arpxcrioys, and all Prescribed and endorsed by the best Physicians Sold by all Chemists at 2s, 6d. and 4. 6d, BAKING POWDER G°LSRE BRONZE HAIR.— oniy by W WINTER. 47 sforu 8t., London Price bs. 6e id..tis. For datung grey or taded Patterns Carriage Paid. Discount 15 per Cent ated for a long time. As a remedy for | Wastina Dtsompers of Cuitpeew or Lhe lovely Buance “ Chatain Foucee FOR CAKES / ion. Hair ERIN E ts invaluable - «é Four Seasons 99 Sweet matt el ee y--—}~ ee — ’ Lunch ; and at close of Day NOTE PAPER AND ENXvVi; Nov Stamped in Coior Kelief and Iam» nates | Possibly sweetest.” Geld, Sliver, Bronze. and ( ot —— OXFORD ST. & ORCHARD ST., W. | | Coxsearrios, sONCHITIs, ScrorvLovus FIVE MEL ALS | ApuLts, it is marvellous in its results. sted to Hair of any cx vur or unng zRINE 5 FOR INFANTS, INVALIDS, AND THE AGED.

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CHESTER V Novemser 7, 1885,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 217 TOPICS OF TO-DAY. Treated by. Dumb-Crambo Junior. The Ran-goon powder Plot.* “i “The time allowed for the Burmese answer to the English Ultimatum ill expire on the Fifi: h of November.’’—Giobe, Oct. 27.) tasr > RoUMets. | THE DISAPPOINTED SUITOR. (Not improbable.) Prince Alex, Kicked out, by the Powers! Then I must console myself with Sophia ! King Milan. Boo-hoo! No Widdin, after all! THE SILLY COMMANDER, (A Story of the Next War according to the precedent.) Covowet RazsrrnotcH had been sent out by the Government of theday, with the cordial consent of the Field-Marshal Commanding- , to suppress an expected rising of the Muffs, a number of emigrants who had settled in British South Africa. On his wry to his command the gallant officer, nye learned by heart all hewspapers he had brought with him, and re-read several times the Mess Library, found himself with absolutely nothing to do. 8o, oelog a teetotaller, and therefore unable to conscientiously indulge in the customary distraction of an idle soldier, he took to thinking. And he thought about every subject under the sun, and at last by ~ process of exhaustion came to the consideration of his own pro- n, “Tarcish my seabhard!” he exclaimed one day—he was far too tod « mau to swear, but of course as a warrior was obliged ocea- tionally to use a little stropg langusge—‘‘ tarni-h my scabbard! I ane a new idea! I will conduct this campaign on a novel Soon after this the Colonel arrived at the “seat of war” (he Healthily smiled when he heard the place thus described), and was ptf his subordinates. He immediately filled up the appointments ve bis Steff, batin such a way that murmurs were heard on all sides, Piarearding the claims of seniority, he. in defiance of all precedent, potd the tight men to the t places. When remonstrances himeclf his ears, he turned upon his heel, smiled, and repeated to Tani,“ My new idea—oconducting this campaign on a novel plan ! done wich fcusbbard | butt will surprise more before I have And he was as good (or as bad) as his word. There was never so strange a leader! Over and over again he set at nought the tra- ditions of the Service. He marched along with his whole foree with- out firing a shot, thus causing the ammunition to be practically a = in x - the Quarter-Masters were mpensted, and the Sur orget their gfescri iptions in their unwel- come and enforted idleness. 4 _ “ Please, boy said the Chief of the @taff, one m , carry- ing a map into the f his superior, ‘may we make a détour to the right of about five miles on our line of march ?” “* What for?” asked Ranar i a manilla cheroot. ‘To attack the fort which is ) , by the Muffs in some Major the 1 where he thought ed RaBBITHUICH. much in it,” "s Fa e whether we take “ True,” res the “but by not taking*the fort we shall miss pended brash with eed our aa ee nition embarrassingly h . eavy.” ‘ * Can't help that—they must earry it,—we mustn't swaste public property. And this little incident was @ sample of many others. Over and over again the Colonel refased to burn powder. It was true enough that there was no absolute need for fighting, yet as soldiers are fond of their profession, this absence of human slaughter was not exactly popular. Indeed, the expedition did not regret its return to its original head-quarters. for Raperruvrcu, he burried back to England, and soon presented before the Duke to report. “Well, Colonel,” said H.R. when they were together in the Horse Guards portion of the War Office, “and how have things gone?”’ ‘* Capital, your Royal Hig’ the men behaved admirably.” * Did they ?” exclaimed the Duke, heartily, although as a matter- of-fact he did not much relish hearing the rank and file spoken of hefore allusion had been made to the officers. ‘‘ Did they, indeed ! Well, if you have got some old Sergeant-mejor quite past work, he might be promoted to the rank of Janior Subaitern.” _ Thank you, your Royal Highness, but if I eould find such a man (and I can’t, for all my non. coms. are most efficient) I really think he would prefer to remain respected in the Sergeants’ Mess rather than appear as a fish-out-of-water in the ante-room of the officers,” he Duke stared in astonishment, and bowed, ** As for my colleagues, Tommy SaBRETACHE and——” ‘Tommy Sapsetacue!” exclaimed H.R.H., in tones of pained reproach. ‘‘My dear Colonel, calling an officer by his Christian name! I really cannot permit it—you know how I dislike familiarity |” ‘I beg your pardon, Sir, but the fact is my colleagues were such good friends, that I looked upon every one of them as a relative. Tarnish my ecabbard ! an were capital fellows!” we ‘** Tarnish your scabbard |” repeated the Royal Duke, indignantly, **Colone] RaspitHutcn, I must request you to put a guard over your tongue—you know how strongly—how very strongly, Ll object to the use of violent expressions of that kind.” cio ; The visitor again apologised, and then informed the illustrious Field-Marsbal that the ubject of the wey had been accomplished, —the Muffs had completely submit **Glad to hear it,” returned H.R.H., shortly, ‘‘ and now for the list of killed and wounded.” - For the first time the Colonel hesitated. ** The fact is, your Royal Highness, I have conducted the cam- paign on a new plan.” ** Hate ong ing new,” returned the illustrious Duke. ‘* However, it may be all right. And now for the list of killed and wounded.” Again the Colonel hesitated. ‘* The fact is, your Royal Highness the Muffs when they saw I was in earnest, submitted.. As I have told you, 1 have carried out all your instructions, and been most euccess- ful. On the other hand, I have no list of killed and wounded.” mt list of killed and wounded |” exc His Royal Highness, aghast, *No; because there was no fighting.” ; **No fighting!” And the illustrious Duke | fainted, The poor Colonel, seeing bis Chief sv deeply moved, tried to explain that really aod truly blood-hed bad bern entirely unnedessery, ‘No fighting! Ob, dear me!” The Field-Marshal blushed at finding himself using +o strong and so unusual an expression. “| never heard of such athwg! A campaign, end no fighting!” After a very painful pause, the ag F to o-ntrol hie emotion. } * Colonel] Rassrrutcn,” at length he commenced, “* I suppose, as you have attained the object of your appointment, we must express satisfaction with your ex+rtions. But, sir,” he added with severity, “* as you were good enough to adopt a new plan of your own inven- tion, and carry ont your instructions without any peeines-t gracious! dear me! oh, fie! without any bloéddshed! Oh dear!)—of course you won't get any promotion!” YOR. txxrry,

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218 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemazr 7, 1885, ——-— SOCIAL AGONIES. “By rae way, arg rou Divine wir THE MonTmMorENcy Browns To-NIGHT ?” = hee aboot yma geen Gee Lp pry vad Pe ¢ os 7 gricultural interest, which ended in mac On, Heavens! Now I REMEMBER, THEY DID ASK ME TO DINE THERE TO- and s money-box wi’ the bottom knocked oot. Niout |” ‘* WHAT—AND YOU FORGOT TO ANSWER!” ‘Ou, | ANSWERED FAST ENOVGH ; BUT I'VE CLEAN FORGOTTEN WHETHER | AcoxmrTzep on Deo.inep !” THE PEASANT PROPRIETOR, Or, The Future of Hodge, from his own Diary, A COUPLE OF EXTRACTS. Sprine (edited by Mr. Chamberlain).—Well, this be summat loike. This cuttin up of t’ould Squoire’s pro has given oi a good fairish six acre plot to myself, to try a bit o’ farmin on my own account. Oi can reckon on startin wi’ three cows, and stock, for oi out o’ the rates, and what be wanting to oi after that,—well, that ’ll coome out o’ t ould Squoire’s furniture, Who says luck h’ant coome to Hopes, who has his roights now along with the foinest in the land any day. No more workin for wages for oi. Noo! Oi be goin to grow m own crops, rear my own cattle, and clean my own land, and get along wi’out farmer LEATHERGAITERS a hectorin and a lordin ont over oi. Eighteen shillin a week! Bless my eyes, to think that oi should ever ha’ stooped to that! And now oim a holdin property myself, and have got the vote, and know how to give it straight for improvement and progress, and the advance of the Agricultural in- | terest. It’s a foine time I’m havin of it, and no| mistake. Pe Wuyter (supervised by the” Marquis of Salisbury), Ah! who would ha’ thought it had ha’all turned out s bad loike! It all coome of listenin to that chap Caum- BERLAIN as told oi a pack o’ lies aboot oi and tother chaps loike oi who didn’t know when we was well off. What good come to oi out o’ the bit o’t’? ould Squoire’s land? None, that oi can tell’ee. First, the soil was poor stuff, and oi had naught to put into it, and now here’s fresh farm stock wanted, and oi haven't a blessed halfpenny not even for bread, so oi be fairly beat and things be coome to a dead standstill. And there be no help to coome from t’ould Squoire because he be clean gone when they took his land and cut it up and give oi and tother chaps a bit each all round. Ah! Well, things can’t go on in this fashion loike, so oi be goin up to farmer LeaTurn- Garrers to see if oi can get a bit of a job o’ work. What wi’ the Missus and five young mouths to feed, bless me, if I doan’t reckon eighteen shillin a week would be just a godsend. Anyhow it would mean food and clothin and such loike, which is more than coome of all that foine ‘*Morper In Irisu.”—Boycotting. THE VERY NEW RULES OF BILLIARDS, By A. Lze, Esa. Tue Billiard Association of Great Britain and Ireland has just issued some new Rules of Billiards, but as = | are ridiculously incom- plete, we hasten to supplement them with some of our own, as hints to players :-— 1. If playing without a Marker, always keep your opponent’s score, and let him keep yours. He will probably score you correctly, and you can do as you please with Ais score. 2. Always stand opposite a pocket your antagonist is aiming at, and move about while he plays; a judicious sneeze just as he strikes has a good effect. 3. Use chalk to your own cue, but keep a little soap or pomatum in your pocket for the tip of Spey’ adversary’s should put it down during the game. This will be found especially useful at Pool. 4. Should your adversary turn away from the table while you are playing, and a ball goes near, but not into a pocket, it is good play to convert it into a hazard with your hand; at the same time callin g out the score at the top of your voice. This useful stroke must be done firmly and quickly. 5. Never own to a fluke yourself, but never let your o ent make a good shot without muttering “ Fluke!” or “ What luck ! ” 6. Pot the white whenever possible, especially if it irritates your antagonist. He should learn to keep his temper. 7. Get the Marker out of the room, and then put your score on even | when you have made nothing. This must bedone very quietly. If it is discovered, blame the Marker. He is there for the purpose. 8. When playing Pool, always pick up any money put down for | ** lives,” whether it is yours or not. You can return it, if found out ; | but the le who put it down will often pay again to avoid a wrangle, and if they don’t, the proper owners ought to look better after their money. 9. When playing Pyramids, frequently accuse your adversary of making foul strokes. He will be obliged to give in sometimes ; and even when you are £0 ay my wrong that he won’t stand it, the | charge will very likely put him off his play. : 10. Rule No. 4 is very useful also at Pyramids, but must be modified for that game. In Pyramids, put any ball that you can | manage into a pocket unobserved, and a few minutes afterwards attention to the score, which of course will be wrong. Then affirm that you had forgotten to score that ball to yourself, which will be quite true, and immediately do it. é 11. Procure a few bad half-crowns, florins, &c., for Pool, and pay your pool to the Marker, i.¢., do not put it in the box, or it may noticed. Then, when the oy is distributed, and the bad money | appears at the end, blame the Marker, as in Rule 7. ‘ 12. If you lose a “ life” early in a pool, it is comparatively easy | to get it back again by a persistent statement that the game ] been wrongly scored, and the others will often give in for the sake ‘ fase ond quietness. As in Rules 7 and 11, lay the blame on the | arker. By adhering to these Rules you are sure to make money at . game, but they will possibly not add to your P pegereny in the Billiard-room. People are so jealous of exceptional skill. Hair'and Rabbit. In a r lately read to the Academy of Sciences at Paris b M. Pasenon, that Mustrious savant announced that he has at forth diseovered a real cure for hydrophobia. This remedy consists be i medium of inoculation extracted from the marrow of rabbits = have been made hydrophobic. Now then, the antidote to hydro | phobia, instead of aes as formerly ime , a Hair of the do that bit you,” is a Rabbit which dog-poison has made a than ever. In future we shall be cautious about Welsh-rabbi eed eed FID bed ne beet FO) ed ed bd

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—_ > &F. || —_ 2 erree & eNO Novemagr 7, 1885.] 219 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 24. THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL=COURT. “Comrort? Comfort scorned of ’—Judges! This is truth the Poet | 510g, That at the Old Bailey comfort ’s the most mythical of things. There Discomfort holds high revel, makes the Jurymen his sport ; Hope abandon, ye who enter—well, the Central Criminal Court. Hope of ease for mind or body. Purgatory here behold, See its hapless victims tortured ’twixt extremes of heat and cold ; Driven —_ oe ~ alae to fainting, packed like sardines, pushed and prodded, Hustled by imposing Ushers, and by Bobbies able-bodied. Travelling by a py Lage ny waiting in the mob at Drury, Is not so bad as being called on an Old Bailey Jury. See the Judges. To the left, above the gas that all aslope is, Peer the fine judicial features owned by Mr. Justice Lores ; Hawxrys next, and Fry; then Sheriffs sitting to the right; between them Eagle beak and lion brush—who can forget them who has seen m — Show of stout Sir Ropert Canpen. Sr. Jouw Wontner down below, Just above that poor old boy, whose hat they ve bashed in at a blow, Fiercely flames, from piles of ‘‘ Papers” ; _ _ next him, Glaring hard at placid Potawp much as though something had vext That f proboscis he appears inclined to snap at ; phenomenal — Elly She pose eitases a nea Se have a rap at. above beams busy BEASLEY. a. == calmly classic features of SSELL. ity with bustle ; 1Lu1aMs (Mowracv) is great Q.C., CHARLES Left of him comes Kiscu the keen-faeed, Wavpy, Q.C., glares above im, And, noon young Forrest Fuiton,—don’t the criminals just love m ” im } That sharp eye-glass underneath? Oh, that most commonly on view 18. Ask men who’s the dapper wearer, and they ’ll answer “‘ That's Grorce Lewis!” Close pews med Epwarp Crarxe, the small, but smart Conser- vative Q.C, He won Southwark, shone, got shelved—pro tem. of course. His case in nuce / To the left, the Under-Sheriffs hold an animatad chatter. The wig-hidden Barrister below is ‘‘ baked,” that’s what’s the matter. No one offers him the “ salts” though ; maybe he is less attractive Than the Lady in whose aid the burly myrmidon is active, In the opposite corner. One may shirk this Court, though not a craven. Just above that flopping wig, with face ascetic and clean shaven, the ’cute City Inspector, and, less lantern-jawed and wizen, Bearded like a polished pard, behold the Chaplain to the Prison ! There, my curious British Public! Mr. Punch has cantered gaily On his doggerel Pegasus, among the Toffs at the Old Bailey. Rh Pteeene~ eset like that cramped Court’s atmosphere— might well be s weeter, Even Homer found ’twas hard to put a Catalogue in metre.

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220 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemeum 7, 1885, | t , i \\y YW ) as “LA Te ~ A FACT. Salvation Army Black Man (to Farmer in opposite corner of Third-class Carriage’. “ Haven] nce 2% pat Farmer. “‘ Don’t xuow. Have you!” you peew Boxsw acars, my Frimxp!” Black Man. *‘Yus, I nave.” Farmer. “‘ Wait, THEx, 1F I'D Brn you, I'p ’a BIN BoRN A Wars 'vn/” a — BOMBASTES. Wuenrr’sr we turn, in every place, We “‘ meet Bombastes face to tace,” He hangs his boots on every ‘“‘ stump,” Piatforms resound with his loud thump, Now—climax of his noisy capers— He’s taken to the penny papers. As bumptious scribe he flouts and trounces, And so thrasonically bounces, That patient sense can barely brook The journalistic Pumblechook, O Evening Oracles, your shindy Is very wild and very windy : And yet, for all your blatant blast, It is but peas you shoot at last. The row may shock one’s tympanum, | But for the rest, tis all a hom— | Bombastes thundering forth as ‘‘ We,” | Is but the bladder and the pes i | And, like an India-rubber ball, | Though full of bounce, his force is smal). | Who’ll bid him cease to gas and blow so? | Who'll sack Bombastes Furioso ? | He in the farce may mirth assist, | But sickens as a journalist ! | Aw Eoosampre.—Talking of the Upper House, Lord Rosepexy recommen ** reformation,” not ** abolition,” and asked whether it was not the rule in most countries to have two governing Chambers (on the piece, we suppose, that two heads are tter than one—but if so, why not two Kings, &c., &c., which opens up a large subject)—and he observed that wise people all their eggs in one basket.” This was not quite apposite perhaps, but accepting the ble of two baskets of eggs, we may consider that we put our best into the House of Commons basket, and addled ones into the other. [Collapse of Black Man. THE CROCUS LEAGUE, I’ve jest received a application of so egstrornary a charakter that at faust | couldo’t make hed nor tale of it. I am acshally arkst to jine the Committee of a new League, to be called ‘* the Crocus i Of coarse [ thort as how it meant the Brummagem Crocus as Mr. Coam- BEKLING is so werry fond of oultiwating and of trarnsplantiog wherever he thinks as the sile and haspect suits, but that I finds is a mere llytickle hemblem, tho how true lovers of Nature can use butiful owers for sitch low pupperses as that I can’t understand. But my Crocus League is quite another pair of shoes, as the Cobbler said. It is to consist of one representatif of ewery rank and ewery perfes- sion, and ewery trade in the hole Moteatyyan, and its one grate object is to preserve to all time the immo memmory of Sir Ropeat Watrotz! | natrally asks my Wisitor why I am slected for this grate honner, and the estonishing reply is, because of my name and fame! It seems that the fast rule of “‘ The Crocus League” is, that each member must bear the onered name of Rosenr, so [ nat'rally represents the important perfession of Waiters. Inside the envelope as wy the inwitation is enclosed a — of anne 8 is expected tojine at wunce, as any unnecessary y ensures Xp un, a dingrace as wood — | = wery ee turn pail. ; I gives the names of a few pro’ representatives, as far as remembers ’em, as a fair sample of the bulk, as they says in the com- mershal World. Principle representative of the Government, Roper, Markis of SaLsBury, who will most probbably he elected President of Abbytation number wun. Representative of the House of Lords, Ropert Matce sox, Wicount Saesproox; of the Court of Halder- men, Sir Rosgat Carnpen, Night; of the ion, Sir Ropert Fow er, Barrownite ; of Poets, Ropexrt Duownine ; of the Post Office, Ropextthe Hunter; of the Bakers, Majer-Gen. Sir Ropext Baker; of the Surveyors, Ropgeut the Driver; of the Metropolitan Bored of Works, Ropent Fxexmaw, as did most on ’em; of the Stock Exchange, Ropext Pixuer, the Ballionaire, so on, Aad hin- Senttum, as the French says, through such a list of heminent men as bears my onered name, as amost made me blush asI red it. To show how sternly pertickler they is as to the name, I learns that the slected representativ of the great Livery Companys was rejected on account of his name being Rosegts, which so wexed his haspiring that he is said to have amost cried-his eyes out on account of his extra hess, which he at wunce offerd to sacrifice but his prayer was rejected, as a hinsult to his Godfathers and Godmothers who guv it him. Upon wenturing with becumming umility to ask w was the principle hobject of the ** Crocus e” in wishing to preserve to all time the memory of a gent of whom I had never heerd afore, I was informed that he was formerly a great Statesman, who had a wunder- feol nollidge of “*‘ Human Nature,” greater even than Mr. Oxevsrvs Hannis himself, and that he biled down all his long egsperience into the noble maxim, that ‘‘ Every Man has his Price!” Upon again arsking what might have been the Price of the defunct gentleman aforesaid, | was told as it was a Earldom, a goodish lot of money and a Garter. Wen I asked why only one, I was told as the werry ‘ighest swells of the hole Country never wore but one, and that was given to ‘em by the Queen's own hand, and was all covered with dimans, and worn so as ewerybody could see it. I looked pretty closely at my in- formant to see it he was in earnest, but he never even much less smyled. So as he bore my gaze I bleeved him. He then said that in acordance with the rules of the Crocus League, I should have to state what would be about my price, before I was elected, when I at wunce replied that I thort as should be satisfied with about five pound a week, a Wictoria Cross, and the permanent Wine Wardenship of the Washupfool Company of Wintners. He was kind enuff to commend my moderashun, as he called it, and to make a note of it, which made me rayther regret as I er poh) ap better price on myself, but Such is Life! If we gets wot we arsks we allers wishes as we had arsked for more, like the boys who sells oranges of the Ebrew purswayshun. He further explaned to me that as the ate Statesman afoursaid was remarkable fond of Crocusses, the Craaes had adopted it as their cymbal, and as they flowrished io early Spring. the Committee had selected the tust of Avril as their erpro- priate Festival Day, on which ocasion | should meet such an ass-el- blage of th: leading sperrits of London as wuod estovish me. My brother Croeus Leaguer, befure going, said as how he had for- gotten to mention that the entrance fee to the fust 500 members was limmeted to a paltry guinny, but wood be enormusly ip to them as follerd, so if 1 wood cash up that insign eant amount, be wood send me a receet in, dew course, is | acordingly ra tho’ it didn’t leave many behind, and I shall I expex shortly be of blown Committee Man of ‘‘ The Crocus with all the rites and priveleges thereunto belonging, inel free atendance st Noblemen’s Park Fates and Pick Nicks, and the right to weer « fell blown Crocus on my manly buzzom on our Festive Day! Rosxst. like thi

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“ FP ll Fes reg SaFee PSSssb> ETESREEBE ''see68e = FAWKES—-ET PRACTERGA NIHIL. A Monologue on the Fifth. Wowpzr who the dickens I am, and what I’m being taken about like this for? A Guy, am I? Well, and what’s Saat? Seem ( = A Nearly Exploded Idea. popular too—odd that I shouldn’t know why—but I don’t... To be sure, 1 remember now! I’ma Patriot—foiled in a plot, or some- thing of that sort, that ’s why they’re all shouting! * See no reason why Gun ler Treason should ever be forgot,” do they? They ’re quite right—no moredol... Hooray! Keep itup! gratifying, very. Attendants, or retainers, or whoever they are, seem rather a shabby that. If I had any nasty pride in me I shouldn’t go about with them like this. Still they are faithful, and have wn me in om rity, a, : , at’s this great ugly beast of a thing coming along? Dear, dear, disgraceful—why do they allow it? He’s fe a cowd of his = too—looks to me like a deliberate insult, that’s what it looks e) Our crowds are parleying; I and the Insult left alongside. Good mind to ask him what he means by his tomfvolery. Iwi/too. Says it isn't his fault, he’s in the same line himself, there are dozens of us about; he tells me he just met one driving adonkey. He’s in a barrow, and I’m in a kitehen-chair! I do think they might have given me the donkey— you get more dignity with a donkey. Don't think this pitiable object had any intention of annoying me, so [’ll just give hima friendiy hint: another time he might turn out decently dreseed—more respectful to the public and—ah—to Us. He nearly falls out of his barrow! this dilapidated ass be laughing P When his attendants have ayes him on the back, and he 's got his breath again, he tells me to ‘‘ look at home.” I look at 4 plate-glass window _—— H'm—well. Might have come out in a better hat, perhaps, and yes, my tailor does want looking after a little. Rather more round- shouldered than I fancied, and that is an awkward trick I’ve got of turning my feet in. Bat that’s all—and, confound a Gree nothing ridiculous about me! Now, you couldn't say that of the other fellow—he ’s grotesque, that’s what he is, poor devil! He ean’t help it, but he is. If he’s going on grinning and ling like that, I’ve done with him. He says I’m “the funniest he’s seen yet.” And to think that this idiot isa Guy / ff again. Lovely creature in aap-wiglew standing between bottles! Ha! she turns slowly and looks at me! . . She doesn’t see anything fanny in my appearance .. . Quite an odd thrill her eyes giveme. Really, 1’ve a good mind tostop and follow this up! Bat to—better not—ean’t be too carefal in a position like mine, Ah well! [ threw her a smile—she won’t forget me ! How fickle and ungratefal are the populace ! Just heard an old tratlomen call me a “ public nuisance.” And thistome! A man v — Itis annoying not to remember what the dooce it was I did do. ” ish I was at home—wherever that is—they do joggle this chair This is home, I sup Ww 2 i i i ’ pose, ell, they ’ve put me upina nice high place where I can see the scenery. Darkness Ae the es commence, It there’s much more of this banging and fizzing I shall , to go away—I''ve had a trying day, and | can’t stand it. fre tt tell thom this ; if they ’re not more careful, they ’ll be setting ' to something presently ! —_ so—just 5 Fe 8 eee FS eee ; ’t come down now if Ast ples Bopha f I’ : now ‘as i #0t a big fire all to myself. Wish that nil in the wiadow catia lot, undersized, too, and—well, plain. But there—they can’t help dail Novemser 7, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 221 menow! Think I look rather wellin flames . . . Face getting quite barnt—so becoming, when you don’t freckle. " I’ve dro one of my boots—awkward thing to do in public. Might I you to return that boot? Nobody seems to notice, and, after all—who cares ? What's this—crowd retiring respectfully? Heard someone say I was “as full of squibs and crackers as I could hold.” Is that what makes this fizzing un- derneath my waistcoat ? I do feel so pe- culiar. . . Some- shin jing te appen, | know! Well . . » There now... Think of that! Didn't know I had it in me! cue one bi more burst, # ite Exploded Idea I’ve done! Ha! 4 oes “1 it’s coming, it’s—— Bang! ! [ Breaks up in much confusion. CONCERNING CRITICS. Dear Ma. Purcu, des : , WOULD go even er than admirable correspondent, Me. Paxaims Bien I would abolish the Dramatic Critic altogether. his ne as long or as short as he pleased, and this should be inserted in the ily papers as an advertisement. The public would then read this, go to the theatre, and judge for themsel I should be inclined to do the same kind of thing with regard to and picture-shows. The British Public does not require a critie to tell it where to op chase its game, its wine, or its clothing, and I take it, the B.P. is quite as good a judge of a play, a picture, ora book, as it is of a pheasant, a glass of claret, or a coat. Yours partial! i Tae Cxiric on THE Heantu. “LIFE IN LONDON HYGIENICALLY CONSIDERED.” Mrz. Cantire, who delivered a lecture bearing the above title, the other night at Exeter Hall, must tell the truth—don't you see, ‘* Can't lie,” ha! ha!—or we should be inclined to consider, notwith- standing it may have been “‘a peng eed omy since the Strand had a breath of fresh air,” in spite of our breathing “ sixty tons of carbon” daily, finding bacteria ia our wood pavements, and being liable to curvature of the spine on account of the sloping footways—that London is the healthiest city in the world. e have not yet ob- served a violent exodus of the inbabitants on account of these startling disclosures, nor have we heard of any striking diminution in house- rents. Joke by Jeremy Diddler. over - it’s own task,” ohh my that ’s found n (sharp) practice a mere im ; For the best way to chise/—your creditors round— Is often to file—a petition. Lorp Cuartrs BeresrorD made a seamanlike, if not a statesman- like speech on Thursday last at St. Andrew's Hall, after he had finished with a Tennysonian quotation, he was “ y ques- tioned.” No donbt he also “ sharpl answered ;” but was not recorded in the Daily Telegraph. it the questions were puzzling, and Lord CuHaries got thuroughly * ep by had only to send for “the Man who Mended the Boiler,” would have assisted him to steam away triumphantly. Cavettry To Anrmats.—Sir, here’s a ease for interference. Almost every day may be seen a paragraph in the papers, headed ** Horses struck out of their engagements.”” Now, “in” or “ out of engage- ments”’ can be no excuse for writing horses, unless they are vicious, which is not alleged. Where's the 8.P.C.A. ? Yours indignantly, NN. Ovpr. AvroumyalL Maxyacvers.—The Election addresses and harangues of political opponents, trying to circumvent one anvther.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

eee <a veaneaanl

A MODEL REPARTEE. Distinguished (but irritable) Amateur, ‘‘ Conrounp rT, Patrrs! wuy, your Face 1s ALL out oF Drawixe!” Model (irritable also). ‘‘It musT INDEED BE OUT OF Daawine, Sin, If YOU CAN PERCEIVE IT, Sin!”

Is there any kind of character I’m not extremely good in? REAPPEARANCE OF THE POPULAR Is there ‘nything that Macxney or Maccane or Love or Woopiy FAVOURITE. Was au fart at I can’t rival? Rootle-tootle! Tral-lal-la! : Tram-trum and t le-twangle! Lur-li-e-ty! La-di-da! Star Performer loquitur :— With Unsworrn on the stump, or Arruur Roserts on the patter, Yes, I rather think it’s time that I should tread the boards once | I can hold my own as ever, spite of envious chaff and chatter. ee ho! then. It is there my greatest triumphs have been And =the full houses, arouse I nd soars looeiah ** easy,’ * ot perlormer of pe ag And this: time must be a finisher, to fail I can’t afford. With exaggerated action and much straining of the throat, But do I look like failing? From the fray I shall not shrink. Have been bidding for top honours very palpably of late, The old Star in a new Programme! That will fetch them, | should And the Publie’s getting dubious and shakes a puzzled pete. think ! It's becoming very obvious that the Stage reqn ny mame So the Favourite no longer mast delay his Reeppearance THE “ DAWN OF CREATION” AND PRACTICAL Let me see! 7ra-lal-la-lal-la! Yes, I think my voice will do. POLITICS. Then my repertoire’s extensive, though it’s not entirely new ; Oun versatile Axe-Premier has been dabbling in Theology - But I think 4 wd my — and can gauge the general taste, hes ond @ anate. Science in the Nineteenth Century. This is mt de — t preparr tt i. gan too Programme heey that later | Still some Novelties I *ve got, Edintarsh: where he might revive the popula ditty, * Says Aaron Aga Vicaks if Sel bees wil pen peck catpeoter bt to Moses.” Judging only by the quotations from article in the The four chief items in themselves make ups Show, | yi y.onth Century, Mr. GLADSTONE seems, in the finish, to b And if anyone can beat it, he’s a man I’'d like to know ; semaminah tn assenl wink Gad gentleman who, on visiting the ruin _ ¢ ume oe aa entvat ee i's m too old « hand for or that. | of Jupiter's Temple, politely took his hat off, ex to his friend, I y tonal tortainmen — at, that “‘ he considered it politic to keep in with t is bound to bring the heuse down, and a big one, or I’m done, never knew what turn of the he wheal might bring For this is my Lact Appearance, and the Show mast heve o run. ® Ie it intended for senders between Ce ote athe ex to Mr. Giapsronr’s exact views W!

eertain from this as — to “ Disestablishment ” P

“* Mavv4isz Plaisanterie,” market last week, after backing vat ale fmat notes lost their that the distingui ed cetlema selling hi ve m rmin tone ? yi Turf, We pe ais i I'm as versatile as ever, I can fill the stage alone. over the value of the studs.

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BE all, ron st age cad | Beaks PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemser 7, 1885. MCLADSTONE MUSIC HALL EDIN BRO NOVEMBER UI" \| WEST CALDER IT*.WALKEITH 21% Nl FIRSTRATE REPERTOIRE .\) |}| ME AND 7 01.0 UMBRELLA VE \ lz i ‘ ¥ . AY ‘ WOODMAN SPARE, NAY YS \ EVE RYTHKS TO BE HAD O! HE AMEANG ING yal | THREE COURSES. o Ne RA KO LIBERAL OFRERS REFUSER \ 1 PHM TR NY ioe i \ WO . WAXY PS ~~ SE SSS — - SOA: REAPPEARANCE OF THE POPULAR FAVOURITE. (‘* Mr, GLapstonz at the Music Hall, Edinburgh, Nov. 11th ; West Calder, 17th ; Dalkeith, 21st.”—See Advertisement in Daily Papers.)

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November 7, 1885,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AT ett oes beet AGL 114 f°y | rae aa |, qeerr => Mill ‘Oss, Sm?” >| ite . ==) Tue Comino Lonponzr. Prom a Sketch by Mr. James Cantus. M.B., FRG.8., who thinks we are unable to go straight in London! children afflicted with epilepsy. OUR LONDON LAZAR-HOUSE. (After Dr, Cantlie.) 1. Exsza, have ‘you turned on the “ Bottled Bournemouth” or the “Fine Old Crusted Madeira ” air this morn- ing ? 2. The trail of the Gas Companies seems still to be painfully present in the atmosphere which comes to us through our old family gas-pipes. 3. How many people = ye say were 0- ca yesterday on at- tempting to turn on their ‘* Margate Mixture” at- mosphere, owing to a residuum of gas being left in the meter ? 4. This plan of being able to take one’s sea-side holiday by simply going into a room in one's Lon- don house, has cer- tainly the advantage of ec momy. 5. If, as Dr. Cantiie says, no fresh ozone has come to the Strand for one hundred and twenty years past, can a local esman without a trad family be said to be in want of a little “ sun and air” ? 6. How fortunate Mrs. X. is in only having five out of her six esbieaile lanacr and + pe owing to their living in their Town Mansion in Park Lane 7. This plan of farsing Byte Park into a large cemetery for the victims of our “‘ lop-side hygienic triamphs of the age. pavements, is really one of the greatest Having made my Will (in favour of my robust cousin who lives at Drearitown-in-the-Swamp), put on my “ patent charcoal and and tied the kitehen-poker securely to my its being twisted by the pavements), I think taken an insurance-ticket on my life, felt respirator and lung-protector,” spinal column (to prevent I may now run the risk of going down to Bond Street to see my tailor. 9. The noise we heard last night in the kitchen arose, I find, from the “ bacteria” out of the -pavement having got into our house, and engaging in a conflict with black-beetles. 10. The “‘ oldest inhabitant” of Fetter Lane, who is actually still alive at the age of thirty-six, and yng a to intermittent attacks of catalepsy and quartan given a congratulatory ague banguet, and made a prominent featare of the next South Kensing- ital Exhibition of M ton and St. Thomas’s pital etropolitan Marvels. A FIRST-RATE CHANCE. At Lambeth, a few days since, a handicrafteman was convicted on the evidence of an Officer of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, of having committed that offence by stabbing a donkey with abradawl. Whilst driving a donkey and barrow, he was seen to thrust a bradawl in to the donkey’s back. Mr. Cuance sentenced the man to six weeks’ imprisonment without the option of a tine. The donkey is said to have been seriously injured, and doubtless felt the bradawl Sentence of imprisonment and h man right. Butif thus it shall stuck into him a very great bore. ard labour served the handicrafts- be done to a driver for prodding a donkey, how much more to a roffian for the greater cruelty of a brutal assault, to the iofliction of injury and paio, upon man, woman, or child? His punishment will be a certainty, when it is a matter for Cuance to decide. “* Prarrorms AND Prawxs.”— Platform and Mr. CHaMBERLAIN’ must come in as Consul PLancvs. We hear so much about the Liberal 6 plank,” that when re-elected he &%

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL “SOLD!” —= Middleman Meat Saiesman (to New-fashioned Farmer), ‘Hato! Sg.LuIne rr Direct TO THE BUTCHER, OR HIS CUSTOMER THE ‘Postic! Waat’s TO BecomE oF Mz!” “ Burcurr, butcher, kill the ox, run away with the money-box ! ”’ | does that mean but that the Producer is to get a fair profit, the Con +s : i 5 inet : sumer a cheap article, and the Middleman— Agent, Salesman, Factor, aye the old The Kilt le, surely with prophetic insight. But times |or what not—that truly ‘‘ happy medium ” who comes between t are changing. er of the Ox, it seems, is not in future to run - 4 . - away with the money-box—in other words, with the biggest slice of and “taps” the purse of both without any particular reason, poe the profits. The Stock-farmer is putting in his claim to a somewhat | &°t— nothing f Mercury, who lay in wait for the Sun-god’s ¢ larger share than markets and moneyed Middlemen have hitherto | 24 killed them to his own advantage, should surely be the tatelary aliowed him. As the Echo puts it, “ he kills his own divinity of the Middleman :— Shocking |" What ws to become of our old friend the Middleman, if ee eae | What is to become of our old friend the Middleman, if Who swindle, house-break, sheep-steal, and shop-lift,” this new-fangled notion of “direct supply” is—as likely— P to be widely disseminated? Direct y, indeed? Why, what | said the irate Apollo. He might have added, of those who build »

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November 7, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. I\}i{! a) a) I) HI i | i STRICTLY IMPARTIAL. Policeman (to Giovanni and Giuseppe, who had fallen out, and were slanging each other in more or less pure Tuscan), ‘‘Now THEN, you TWO, MAKE USE 0’ Barrer Lanevacs, on I'LL RUN YER BOTH IN!” opolies, and make “‘rings.”’ The superfluous intermediary, who, ping in between producer and consumer, manages to get heavy sepa out of both for nothing in particular, would have commended himself to the ‘* er-stealing schemer” who, in his very cradle, the better of sun-bright Apollo himself. "But he seems to have his day. Trade appears at last to be awaking to active and co-operative antagonism against him. ‘‘ One day,” says the Echo, “it is the colliery owner “eho D builds his fleet, carries his own coal to the great towns, and retails in his own name.” Then it is, the Kentish Nee zag r ee a of lining the pockets of the pally + is having , and selling it from sevenpence to ato Now a ‘yallon. nd now the Stock-grower es td swashin t his long-time tyrant. Punch wipers a of other co-operative schemes for his dis- ent resently, taking one consideration with another, his life will hardly be so happy or profitable a one as heretofore. "And rm a —e mg about his ea f ss his eae cratic bumptiousness, unscrupulous greed, will perhaps “ pi the poor Mildleman ” very much indeed. But they only ! For, when between the field of Going consumer, there are fewer Jack-Horner-like fingers in the ne trade profits, when fewer filched ‘‘ plums” have to into . se packote sd yr pa or i = ey it a —_ at the m of securing & t to the farmer and a cheap feiat to the yng ph is rp a. ae Sesto ena, after all. And then the find himself “A Kiss awp Somernine ms !”—Last week, at Salford, an impulsive furni pay thirty pounds, and be bound ay in a yo more to be of ¢ od behaviour for twelve months, young lady in a railway carriage. The furniture-dealer ought to ae acquired a little more French polish by this time. The ancient maxis for men i is a ie fall” but when sn opeh extraordinary ve are a e y's must on Kissed, tell immediately.” However, thirty pounds wasn’t bak CanoxsiaL Bxiss,—Being paddled by your wife in a double canoe. the grower and the dish of the SUNDAY CLOSING, (Latest from St, Albans, ) ce on the subject of the Senter Visiting being made by vie the require- THE of St. iteens +p following the local Authorities, which, it is hoped, will meet ments of the case. nas, va to the Abbey will not be meee Se its recincts before cock-crow on y un y pro- vided with a card authorising their entrance om the Dean. The same regulation will apply to those desirous of visiting the ght tall either in the middle the services or after night- © permission, however, will be deemed requisite in the case of those who have successfull dodged eal dean, © under the eye of — Verger in el at any y ; but those who ha leaving the edition t mun wade of taking his in the ‘event of his eaving the edifice for or ie nee — 4° return. ‘tn in the and it n the event o appening in afternoon, it appear- ing likely that those who are thus detained may have to make a night of it within the Abbey walls, assistance ma y be sought by ienting out through the West window for ‘ the D Dean,” who, if he pens to be within ion Bay ~~ Pattemp inquire into the matter, tate Se it his athentien, - ¢ on the of those wet Mill be pent emeenee oe sesbyes own by torn Visitors unwittingly ~~ - in the by the Authorities. enclosure while the exterior, will be at liberty td & i ee the iron railings "and for this they will not require the written per- mission of the Dean. Tip to our Talkers. Amrpst your verbal fog and mist, one if you please : liberties. es

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228 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —<—<$—<$—< [Novemser 7, 1885.

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. VIL—Farom tae Heart or H-nt-wot-x, Devonshire House. Monday.

EAR Toy, I nave just been think- ing whether life is more endurable while Parlia- ment is sitting, or in the recess on the eve of a General Election. ] haven't decided yet, and really feel too to continue the debate. I! fancy, to s off-hand, that I would rather have the Session —that is, when G.-peT-Ne's all right and I haven’t to take charge of the ship. Whilst we are in Opposition I could “ex / y come and go when I liked and between you and me, teil I like going best. But ‘Lhe now one never knows where he is, gallivanting about the country, making speeches in hot and crowded rooms to excited electors. Then the next morning there's those newspapers at you; something you've done that you ought to have left undone, or something omitted that spoils the whole effect of an otherwise fairly good speech. Did you see how they went for me the other day because, speaking on a Friday night, I did not reply to a speech made by the Markiss on the night before? It’s all very well for fellows like Cu-mB-R1i-» to do things of the kind. But I’m not going to be hurried Besides, before the Markiss spoke I had my speech all ready, and if they thought I was going to chuck it away and make another at an hour’s notice they made a mistake. I trust, dear Topsy, you will take warning by my dreadful example, and keep out of politics. Since the day, now twenty-six years gone, when I moved a Voteof No Confidence in Lord D-xBy'’s Government, I have scarcely had a happy hour. There have been brief gleams of joy when we have gone into Opposition. But they have been speedily = ey ed by fresh responsibilities and duties. I don’t know what I am ving in the galley at all. I have been impressed, chained tothe oar, and there I slave. But how sore at heart it is only in moments of confidence like this that I disclose. I would get out of it, but there would be the bore of explanations, struggling with entreaties and al] that sort of thing. So I drift on, stolidly doiog what work is appointed for me. quitting the shop as early as possible, and staying away as long as they ")l let me. 1 suppose a crixis will arise some day, and there will be nted the spectacle of what I hope Gt-pst-we will allude to as * H-xv-wer-w rightly struggling to be free.” I have gone a long way with Cu-MB-BL-N, but there seems no end of his journey, and we must in-vitahly come to the parting of the ways. hat shail | do then? G-scm-y and [ could work very well together, and F-xst-R would be elai enough to get into any respeetable company that would look like fivhtiog Cu-mp-gi-y. But F-xst-x's out of the hunt now. He played his cards so badly after leaving us as to destroy any chance of reinstatement with the Liberal Party. either in the House or the country. G-scy-w and J. stauding shoulder to shoulder on a back seat. would play havoe with the strongest Redieal Government that could be formed. But what’s the good? That means more work, even harder and more engrossing work. Better stop where | am than undertake a business of that kind. I was rather struck with that notion of the Markiss's to cut the whole business and go out and earn his own livin If they really went, and the Markiss was to say ‘‘ Come over and ie us,” I would be much more inclined to accept the invitation than the one from |R-np-Lteu. I have rather a hankering for the ranch business, | | think it would suit me, and besides, we could not have Grand Cr-ss with us. There would plainly be no place for a beadle on a ranch, I own the prospeet of spending a succession of long evenings with Grand Ca-ss rather warns me off. In truth, Tosy, all things are vanity. But most of all this goin to and fro and making of long speeches. It’s the very d-y-l, i sometimes sit under my tilted hat in the House of Commons, and meditate with wonder upon Gi-pst-NE. How can he take such keen interest in all kinds of divers matters as they present themselves to him? He worries me with his restless activity, and tires me with his tireless energy. I want te get away from it all and do as I like, come and go when I like, say what I like, and be silent when I please, [ fancy (though it is a worry to fancy) that I will make a passably good Duke. Very little is expected from a duke, and once emanci- pated very little they ‘ll get from me. This is a serious letter, but life is a serious thing, especially to Yours faithfully, H-RT-NGT-¥, To Tony, M.P., The Kennel, Barks. P.8.—Did you ever hear of an American politician they call “ Sun- set Cox?” He got this name because he once said, in reference to his position in the political world, ‘‘ lam becoming rather a memory than a hope.” { apes by-and-by those confoundedly frank newspapers will be writing of me as Sunset H-nt-Net-N!

“WHY AM I A LIBERAL?” 1. ‘“* Way ama Liberal?” Because I am: (Dr. Jonwson) “ not mean ; nor low in birth,” or, if so, still my conduct and manners are “becoming a gentleman.” Because I am “ munificent, generous, bountifal ’— always entirely at my own expense. 2. ‘* Why am 1a Liberal?” Because I am (later dictionary defi- nition) ‘‘ one who advocates greater freedom, especially in politics.” { am opposed to intimidation, dictation, and every kind of restric- tion upon personal liberty, whether autweratic or democratic. 3 “Why am I a Liberal?” Because I intend, politically and socially, to do as I would be done by. Because I am not a pseudo- Liberal. I do not envy those who are better off, or better educated than myself. I donot hate them. I advocate reform and retrench- ment from a sincere sense of justice, and not from a covert desire to reduce the circumstances, and diminish the incomes of people in a social position superior te my own. Because, although anxious for peace and economy, I uphold the maintenance of our national defences on an amply Liberal seale. Because I really wish to ameliorate the condition of the poorer classes, from a feeling of true benevolence, and don’t offer to support their demands, reasonable or unreasonable, merely in order to catch their votes, and induce them to gratify my propensities of self-esteem, and love of approbation, by returning me to ee and enabling me to obtain place and power. 4. ** Why am la Liberal?” Because my Mother-in-law’s a Con- servative. So’s my Wife. 5. “* Why am I @ Liberal?” Because I like the dinners at the Reform Club; and if you ask me why I’m a Reformer, I answer because I never yet saw anything good but what it could be better. 7" vor am la Liberal?” Because I choose, So shut up, and get out

GOING FOR GOSCHEN. Ste Cuantes Drixe objects to Mr. Goscuzw that “his critical faculty is too strongly p sth Perhaps so. Bat then. Sir Cuaxtes, there are other Members of the Liberal Party whose critical faculty does not seem to be developed at all. For indiscriminate endemnation uf one’s opponents is not eritici-m, apy more that indiscriminate self-eulogy is. So Mr. GoscHen's single superflax may be an advantageous set-off sgainst their maltitudinous defi- ciency. Yon can hardly say of bim that “be is mothing if net critical.” He is that and a goed deal more, Yet sou fr. CBAMBERLAIN seem much disposed to try and Boyett him. Very foolish, very unfair, and, after all the loud talk of Lib-ral unity, comprehensivences, end tolerance, very inconsistent. Criticiem has been ealled the Gay Science. Leaden naturally joves it not. But what a dolorous deadlock of mindless monotony, of fatuous uniformity, of goos+-flvck gregeriousness, will Liberalism dribble down to, if, leaving in all She yu-here and formula-grinders, you F ont of its ranks every critical eye and every coolly ulness

judgment! Nonsense, Sir Cuanies!

Gy TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whethgr by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

—_—— “They are a treasure

PALAT)

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ici PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Novemser 7, 1885. — “ They “They are a treasure Zoentgs AND CAMERONS| \VENS 7 come as a boon and a blessing to men, The PICKWICK, the OWL, and the WAVERLEY PEN.” ‘ereqymAroagq prog SNH —,, IY Ps asdryQe AOU], » They are recommended by 1,995 Newspapers. ey Ask yotr Btationer for a Sample | Box. —s." GRANT’S MORBLLA CHERRY BRAN DY. The delicious product of the famed Sapplied to Her Majesty at all the foyal GRANT’S ontttA CHERRY BRANDY. Excellent w th water, hot or cold. Beware of @d- whulesome imitations. Ask persistently for GRANT’S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. Inquire for it atall Bars and Refreshment Rooms. T GRANT & SONS. Distillery, Matperows. 9 mported direct from the Plan- Ltfons of that name. known to -oduce tue Onest Rum in the West Indivs. This attained @ world-wide reputation for its fine aroma. excelient bouquet, and ex(eme age. squiie bottles with cu psules. brend has Sold only i» red Of Grocers and Wine Merchants every where, and CHRISTIE’S, 265, Milton 8t., B.C Ne ONLY PALATABLE NATURAL APERIENT WATER, A POSITIVE CURE FOR STOMACH, LIVER, AND KIDNEY AFFECTIONS. The a Se household remedy and speciite (or CONSTIPATION, Descriptive . with Testimonials, post free. Sold by Chemists, ls. 64. and 2s. per bottle. Sexier Birren Waren Company, Limited, %, Brow Hili, London, ae. THE NORMAL DIURI at APERIEN} “The National Table Waters.” “Apsotutety Poas.” ELLIS’S RUTHIN WATERS REGISTERED. Estaptisuep 1825, Boda, Potass, Seltzer, Lemonade, Aromatic Ginger Ale. For Gout: Lithia Woter, and Lithia and Potass Water. ASK FOR ELLIS’S. Bory Evexyrwuree. SOLE ADDRESS—R. ELLIS & SON, RUTHIN, WORTH WALES. London Agents: W. BEST & BONS, Henrietia Street, Cavendish Square. PUNCH AND JUDY BANK, (Por tize, 7) inches hign . rey (nehes wide, Made Irom, Str and Durable. Highly fini«ned in Mant Colours, Very attractive. 4s. 64 ench. Piaperione 3 9 rreeives the coin in the plate; thumb-plece at the side is preserd upon, ad forers mg & club wi kis amd ite the coin In the be an. Li eres a] wae Ware how-es, Ao bi tion o Pie r Mechanical 0 ¢ Wr Sent free on applic» Chee, | ENOX @ CO hs nh Ma 4nare Me America i huvk pay rr H, LONDO rope of the American Meehanteal Toy omey Kank Manufactu:ing Company. MELLOR'S SAUCE ‘ware e ene wm o> S. & H. HARRIS’S STABLE REQUISITES. WATERPROOF HARNESS COMPOSITION. WATERPROOF “BLACKING. JET BLACK OIL. FuR HAKN Bas. TS. SHORS. HARN EAA, agv ALL OLA CK LEATHER ARTICLE POLISHING PASTE. 1K CLBANISU MPTALS SADDLE PASTE POUCH BLACKING (WAT: MPROOP). bKY RYU), Scld by all Saddlerg, Orocerp, and Treg nen pets, Mebabetier 67, aston, oTzEet, LOMDOM, 8. DINNER AND PASSENGER L| CLARK, BUNNETT & CO., LIMITE Rathboné Place, W., and 30, King 8t., London, B.C, FROSPECRUSES FREE. REVOLVING STEEL SHUTTERS. GOLD ae ae 1882; BOSTON, 1883; LONDON EXHIBITION , 180k wd SiR ames MURRAY'S TNpibxerigtt MBARTBURN, GRAVEL, AND 6o UT. FLUID MAGNESIA. The Inventor’s Pure Original Preparatios. le. Hotties almost Dowble usual vise. Sra Janes Montay & Son, Temple street, Dublin. Banetay & Bons, Farringdon Street, London. At wae! eer COLT’s DOUBLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, #6 supplied to 11M. War Department. youve as GLE-ACTION REVOLV as aduptea by the United orb os. yenemk” os the Colt and inchester Mavazine Ri eee eit “ae eal. REVOL ove dinoeh io? the Vete ponk of beat are | Only. Co.t's Revolvers are Lover the w COLTS DOUBLE-BARRELLED SHOT GUNS and LIGHTNING MAGAZINE RIFLES, lor Ind.aand the Colonies, Price List free. COLT’S FIRFARMR Co., 4, Pall Mall. London,8.W. EVERY GARDEN and every GARDENER suited with a superb collection 6d. to 120. of BOB.8. ac prices :anging bey hy Carefully parked and sent post f to any port io the British Isles, For full partie apply to ERVING & CO., Havant. Hampshire. THE SPECIFIC FOR NEURALGIA, or * tpn stuns maint Songayee Lane. Secosecceesee I hua ble al ee i. five in ail. thes cases "tat watch f'n ADAMS'S - FURNITURE POLISH. THE OLDEST iad BEST. “Tae Queen” (the Lady’ pers” fects no hesitation in recommend! Bd by Grocers, a - bem O'lmen, £6. Manufietory—VICTORIA PARK, SHEFFIELD, SULPHOLINE LOTION (The Cure for Skin Diseases) in a few Gaye removes every Eruption, Spot, ér Blemish, rend ring the Skin Cleor, em oth, sapple, ‘and healthy Bold every where. fhe The Only Cold Nodal aay THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS ORY & MOORE. as eee te ee fh 7 ps Balloat in Gta Qaalit fos fectly free from Grit— boiling por graiain pg te imute," ALLEN HANBURYS’ xaet., FOOD Farinaceous For INFANTS and INVAL ad Lin ment young ct cone sy op A Bu all that is of a dyspeptic Tins, Gd., Is., 2s., 6s. & 10s. MORSON’S pnerarations oF PEPSINE, [ts Sacre EEE Ei INDIGESTION. i ied. itis en’ “Bond thy Wi Ghemisu.” &s almosta rahe’ as ipestion, a ”L i jo ‘ «of Brier oe etre that a Se co thee it Is therefore neces tery a ruarantee ot ite sate, fo 608 that each oie a \ «80 Southampton Kow Reset oe Siiee, London. GOLDEN HAIR—ROBARE’S AUREOLINE 1 Wamgoted speieiiy Rattan in cue eae eae prere and scot it tna ha cea = DINNEFORD § MAGNESIA. For ACIDITY of rae STOMACH, MBARTHULN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. Act Curnrers, BROOKS’ MACHINE COTTONS. HIGHEST ‘a AWARD iv Fs Zi HEALTH| EXHIB" 1884) a\\ j

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novewszr 7, 1885. W H. J. NICOLL, i cenutieeaee aa Mos_ey STREET ; LIVERPOOL—80, BoLp STREsr ; BIRMINGHAM—89, New STReExr. LADIES.—NOVELTIES for the WINTER, COSTUMES, INVERNESS CLOAKS, J ACERTS, and CLOAK-ULSTERS, in Parisian designs and spéialy materials. \ HUNTING HABITS, with Patent Safety Foot-Strap, of Treble-milled Meltons,

114, 116, 118, ah supe STREET, W. ; 22, CORNHILL, E.C. PARIS: 29 awp 31, RUE TRONCHET. GENTLEMEN.—NOVELTIES for the WINTER, COATINGS, OVERCOATINGS, SUITINGS, and TROUSERINGS of the finest manufacture in original patterns, FUR-LINED COATS trom Kigit-and-a-Half Guineas. OVERCOATS and WING CAPES of all descriptions always in Stock.

JUustrations, Patterns, and Sel/-Measurement Forms forwarded Illustrations, Patterns, and Self-Measwrement Forms forwarded on appiication. Unlined, fi Sis. 6d. on application. f SEASONABLE DELICACY.—WITH STEWED FRUIT; 4 O W 3 EP pod S BROWN & POLSON’S GORN FLOUR ARD GRATEFUL ORTING. AS BLANC-MANGE, CUSTARD, OR BAKED PUDDING, BEDFORD co O C 1°) A. | Nors.—Unlike many other Corn Flours, this a the name of its Manufacturers, who p a O U G i S a offer the guarantee of their long-established reputation fo for its nif: nifo rmly superior quality.

GRATIS AND POST FREE. A SERIES OF ILLUSTRATIONS, SHOWING THE MANNER IN WHICH COCO-NUT FIBRE IS COLLECTED AND PREPARED IX COCHIN, WILL BE FORWARDED, TOGETHER WITH A COLOURED REPRESENTATION OF THE INFLORESCENCE OF THE C000.) < NUT PALM, GRATIS AND POST FREE TO ANY ADDRESS, UPON APPLICATION TO THE UNDERSIGNED, WHO USE THE} v MATERIAL FOR MANUFACTURING THEIR WELL-KNOWN MATS AND MATTING,—

SeVERY PUBLISHED

BUNDLING THE YARN. TRELOAR & SONS, FLOOR DECORATORS AND CARPET WAREHOUSEMEN, 68, 69, and 70, LUDGATE HILL, LONDON, EC. . ESTABLISHED 1882. TEN PRIZE MEDALS.

Less 5, Lombard soe “s —Sare! Fé e’ fas.

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Will be published on “ ANIMAL LIFE ON THE FARM,” —— Friday, November 20, | by PROFESSOR Brown, of the Agricultural Department, Privy Counucil,—being the | \ Eighth Volume in the ““ HANDBOOK OF THE Farm Series.” Price 2s. 6a. ("sn izert& special t sat | C3 w > a 0 u z 6 J} Py =) a EIGHTY - NINE. neeetern eee —~—— . UNTET —s NOVEMBER 14, 4 sommmbatigd anuprenamans Se i SL be VOL Ye ‘¢ 4 —_ yh ih |) lid eae nell — i) i it * ~ tiie ii + yd es ieee “dlihromt, Cun rf % ) V3 lt HY} 'f fi i) ) i e 4i hl ar MN : 4 LON) . | ay eos ote . a na ss — < aes , PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET ‘STREET, A ; l l PETIT choy: etetic Table po 1 Na V1 a: : Dietetic Ta . } ; t : STN gon A)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Novemner 14, 1885. RICHARD BENTLEY & SON'S NEW WORKS NOW READY AT ALL. BOOKSELLERS AND LIBRARIES. Now Ready, Price ONE SHILLING, THE TEMPLE BAR MACAZINE for NOVEMBER. Cowrertre>— HOW SHALL I VOTER? THER ATHEISTS MASS “THE TRYAL OF WITS.” THE CAMPAION OF LEIPSIC. A FORGOTTEN GODDESS, &c., &c. LANDSCAPES BY THE AUTHOR. DRIVE THROUGH ENG- A Thousand Miles of Road Travel. Sans JOUN HISSEY. In 1 vol, with ® fail page lliustrations engraved by Guones Peansow. it ILLUSTRATED BY STURGESS. THE COACHING AGE STANLEY MARRIS. In 1 vol., demy Sro, with s sotatat full-page Hustiotions on heone A A ~~ IN THE MALAY NATIVE STATES. THE CHERSONESE with the eae OFr?. By EMILY INNES. In 2 vols, Frontispleces. le. A BNEW AND CHEAPER EDITION OF THE at AUTOBIOGRAPHY of ATES. To which i» added an = Tae 4 , Ex Holloway H In 1 vol., with riences in “ Portrait. 6G. Ricuaan Bewtiry & fon, New Burlington Street. THE STANDARD LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. ESTABLISHED 1825. BONUS YEAR—1885. be = ; f Fs ES m > =. z ° 33 ce é = 2 se 3 : & =. = s a EDINBURGH, 5, George St. (Head Office). LONDON, 83, King William Street, E.C. 3, Pall Mall Bast, 8.W. DUBLIN, 64, Upper Sackville Street. Baswon Orrvees and Acenctzs 1» Lxota anv rus Coven res. BONUS YHAR—1885, WON-FORFEITABLE POLICHES. LOW PREMIUMS COMPLETE SECURITY. BONUS APPLIED TO MAKE POLICIES PAYABLE DURING LIFE Batnburgh (Head Office): 19 Georce Sr. Londen : $2 King William St. &.c. and 9 Craig’s Court s.w. Glasgow: 64 St. Vincent St. | Dublin: 4: Dame St Manchester Gardens. Liverpeo! "C3 hsteange. FoR A Mao PMR THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS AWARDED CHOCOLAT] * MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. 32 PRIZE MEDALS. ANNUAL CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS 25,000,000 lbs. SOLD RETAIL EVERYWHERE. NEW NOVEL BY PD. CHRISTIE MUKRAY. At ali the Lib aries, in 3 vols., post #vo R AINBOW GOLD. cane >. BS ht mvapar, Author of Coals of Fire,” santa ‘aon, Exoen, &Co., 15, Satates Place Mme. 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SONS ET, W. 10N. HOTE ing Duecte, HOT SOMICAL E KINGDO )Wi— INK > WRITD RE. opere. square, BE : Dubli IR0 ONG and Dige pvery Where Pome. bs . and elsewhere under canvass. — Novempgr 14, 1885,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL > 229 7ARRY ON SONG AND SENTIMENT. CHARLIE, Your buthday, old bandbox, I’ve got it marked down “ orl kerrect,” And some sort of a little momento is wot a old pal might expect. _ = Well, I know you’re a mark upon Sing-song, and nuts on comical lay, So I send you a rorty collection of Popular Songs of the Day. Reglar rousers, my pippin, I tell yer, the pick of the ’Alls took all round. And the lot, sentimental or soele ni oul wae right down to the ground. : I fancy I ear your fine barrytone piping out ** Mother's Old Mug ‘“ Or “' Doin’ the Toff for a Tanner,” or “*’ Arry, dear, put on the Ug Some old bloke, I forget who exsackly, although he gits quoted a lot, And the D. 7. jest trots him out regi whenever it puts on the pot, — Remarks, ‘‘ Let the Bigwigs make Laws for the People so I makes their Songs!” And the hodds on that chap being right are St. Paul's to a pair of old tongs. He knowed English hearts, did that joker; he jest took my weight to a hounve. Legislaters, my pippin, ain’t in it along o’ my pal, “ The Big Bounce.” He’s top-row, if yer like, and no tarnups, smart brougham, sealskin coat, all Yet he tips ‘me the haffable flipper as though I was fair on his lay. Ah! to sit, mate, and listen to him, cigars round, and a bottle of fizz, _ While he rattles out ‘‘ Mashed on a Muggins,” is wot I call real good biz. Monday Pops are all kibosh and catgut, and even the Promenard palls ; If yer want Song and Sentiment, Cuar.iz, fust chop, you must go to the ’Alls. That ’s Life and no bow-wow, my biffin! The mugs who write poetry rot All skim-milk and die-away ms, they simply ain’t up to wot’s wot. We want something spicy and sparklin’. Jest take wot a feller likes most, Pop it into smart verse with a , and there you are, served upon toast. Wot would you and me do, my dear Cuanrtre, if we ’ad a thousand a year? That’s larks, that’s true , ain’t it? Not sawdust and snivel, no fear! To cut a fair dash, dress uppieh, ’ave fourpenny smokes and good drink, With a touch of the azure for fun, and for yam-yum a patch of the pink! That ’s Life, mate, I say once agin, and put into a Song that’s our mark, And the bokos who try other oeers are bossing about in the dark. The “* Big Bounce” hits the “‘ bull” every time, mate, ’cos why? he ’as bin in the swim, And it’s jolly few games on the board as don’t open like hysters to ’im. Don't he touch up our patriot feelings with ‘‘ Britons shall bang’em all round !” ? That ’s wot we can ali understand, mate, and my! ’ow the ‘obnaile do sound ! Let the Tory lot give us a Leader as takes the ‘* Big Bounce” for his model, And Brummagem Joz and his gang may jest pick up their trotters and toddle. As to Sentiment, CuaRtre, you know as J ain’t of the snivelling sort, But “ Mother's Last Spank” is a fetcher, while ‘‘ Angels have called for Jim ort,” Or “‘ Don’t put Father’s Watch up the Spout” are both very fair biz in their way, Anda jae times better than ‘‘ Kathleen Mavourneen” or ‘* Auld Robin ray.’ Deak ‘* Spoons ’’—sweetheart or nursery, CHARLIE, go down with the women, old chap ; For wot they call “* pathos,” my pippin, is wed a spechies of pap Aprypo of the kids or the petticoats. Latter, of course, is my lay, But I do like the rosy put rorty, and love-making done on the gay. aa we pel, the ‘‘ Big Bounce,” is a hot ’un. What can be more lammy, ear boy, Than “ Dasher the Masher,” page ten? turn it up, it’s a song to enjoy. You should hear the B. B. roll it out, you should see his light kids and his wink! If there is any party I envy, it’shim, Cuartie. Wot do you think ? Well, well, we can’t all be Big Bounces—wus luck! but 1’m sure you’ll agree That the Music ’All Song paints a picter of wot we should all hike to be ; And that’s where it nails us, dear Cuarig, and that’s what I meant when I said That that Josser, whose name I’ve forgotten, ’ad ’it the right nail on the ed. These Songs make the People, my pippin. We build ourselves up on their an,— We mle ‘uns, I mean, and the others ain’t really wuth recknin’, old man. y, if we came into a fortune, in Dress or in Drink, Love or Larks, Wot could we do better than take the B. B. as our primest of marks ? 0, it x4 a chap’s mouth water, CuaRrtiz; I’m blowed if it don't. Just you in Of being a ‘‘ Dasher the Masher,” of ’aving his togs and his chink ! The als at your feet, fun and frolie and fizz jest as much as you'll carry! That’s Life, and that’s Musie All Song, mate, and that’s the True Ticket for * ARRY. Amy Socrrracr.—Are Soldiers, as such, entitled to vote for Members of Parliament? They ought to be, so many of them as there are at Aldershot Pa FORGED CRITICISMS. (A Letter, genwine, to our Mr. Nibbds.) Dear Nipss, I pow’t very much care if you are hard or soft, or even medium, At any rate, you are a ‘* Magnum lo Bonum,” my boy. But when next you go to Ballacht lish, and want to read about a new play in that outlandish “ Waiting for the Verdiot.”” region, don’t put more faith in Newspaper Advertisements than in Dramatic Critios. You any to judes the condemn y. T latter by the former, and to ake a leaf out of the book of Jay-Bucuanay, and distrust both. For, not to mince ay theatrical Adver- tisements are “‘ cooked” in the interest of theatres. I will give you an example. The other evening, at the Club, I read as follows in the Evening Standard :— HE DAILY TELEGRAPH says :—‘‘A play that is vigorous, * d, and never dull. It is full of clear ideas. All are good. There is plenty of excitement, and material for a dozen dramas. Mrs. Conover has an Olympic success.”’ ** Great Scott!” said I to myself, ‘‘can this be true ? Holy St. Clement, what does the fellow mean? He is ‘ Lost in London,’ not ‘ Alone in London,’ surely.’ So L went to the original text, and what do you think [ found? An absolute mis-statement in every line. ‘ It is full of clear ideas” was originally printed in the D. T. as follows: ‘‘ It is full of clever i ; but, as a rule, the are wasted,” ‘* A)l are good” refers to a few trivial inci- dents that are quoted as as compared to several more pronoun to be ! As to the Mrs, Conover paragraph, it is pure bunkum. What the “‘ Autocrat” said was, “‘ Meanwhile, Mrs. Conover has a chance of an Olympic success yet, if a few judicious alterations are speedily made.” Which is surely a very different thing ! I wonder if Mr. Ropert Boucuawan is Mrs. Conoven’s Advertisement Editor as well as her Olympian Author; or can it be his literary partner, Miss Hannierr Jay, who so ingeniously quotes a pithy sentence without its quali- fying sting? Dramatic Critics may be all you say about them—they may be far too — to flourish *‘ the pen of a ready writer” on first nights ; they may, as Bucuanwan elegantly expressed it when he was rash enough to attack one of them in 1883, ‘* combine the individualities of Mr. Puff and Mr. Sneer, sending round the hat with one hand, and brandishing the bludgeon with the other, alternating between the epilepsy of savage abuse and the hysteria of sycophantie praise,’ &«., &c. ; but they don’t all talk such nonsense as Mrs. Conover or Mr. Stoxm Beaten Bucnanan or Miss Wair Jay represent them to talk, and their utterances are deliberately misrepre- sented in the advertising columns. Now that Avevsrus DevatoLancs has done away with picture posters, for goodness sake let us have truthfal advertisements. Eh, Nias, my boy, what do you say ? Yours, A Pir Bercu, Ropert Bucwaway, @ word in your ear! Do you remember abusing the Pit and the Critics for not liking your *' Sailor and his Lass” at Drury Lane? Do you remember writing a letter so violent that your partner, the Emprror Avevusrvs, publicly apologised for it? Don't do it again, my canny Sovtchman. ‘The Pit and the Critics never forget! Tue Reat Coxx-Tax,—-A tight boot. VOL, LXYXrx. AOE 0 Oa cole

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemsser 14, as HIGHLAND STUDIES. *“‘A MONARCH OF THE GLEN.” I exe Tores Excursionists/ Senp 'su To H Exciszmuen !" T. M. *‘1 pon’r CARE WHO THEY ARE! G. G. “Yas, Ma. Dotiers.” Ssxp 'geu To H——!” Transatlantic Millionnaire (surveying one of his deer-forests), “Ha! Look THERE ! —— ! ” Gigantic Gillie (and Chucker-out). ‘‘Iv vou rizasz, Mr. Dotiers, THEY RE [ Proceeds to carry out order. WAITING TO FOLLOW. The Archbishops of Yorx and CarTERsvry, to pie a series of politieal platform duets, with comic interlude and -talk accompaniment. pple Colintaiiaton, cxtinal UF naaenizommnin ¢ en y exercise, in which he will we oan bys introduce his famous after. dinner speech “‘ Returning thanks for the Army.” Prince Hewny of Barransenc, to furnish his “ first mg A BB ES m jacen , su ya land fling and Sword dance, and finish with a = rendering of ** Charlie is my my in high German. Mr. CaaMBERLals, to give his ‘‘ Humorous skits on the Cathedrals of Great Britain,” accompanied . Ae moving anorama, portraying Mr. Brapiaven preaching at &, aul’s, and Westminster Abbey opened as a Sunday Music Hall. Mr. E. N. Boxton, to deliver his Lecture, “‘ Splendour: of the old School Board,” illustrated by portraits of ousted Members and Statistics of Educational Luxury, in the course of which a Professur of Persian Calisthenics will exemplify in action what he intended to teach the pupils of the Board fr £1 600 a year. e Dake of Evrxsvneau, to give a Solo on his own fiddle, specially arranged fur him by the forty-one Pr- fessors of the Royal College of Music, in whuse interest he will aleo, by desire, render the secompaniment of the two stirring ballads, ‘‘ When the Hat Goes Round,” and “* What has become of the Money, Grove?” Sir H_D. Wourr, to supply bis hamorous Entertain- ment ** Up and down a Back-Staircase at Constantinople,” into which he will introduce the Evyptian Chromatr and his famous buffo song,‘ Said I to the Khedive, said I.” TRYING IT ON. CarprwaL Mawnrye has written a pamphlet, entitled, Huw shall Catholics vote? How? The usual way, we suppose, just as their fellow-citizens do, obedient to the dictates of their own Supreme Pontiff Conscience, and no other, be he who he may. This must be a Cardinal point in their political action. “ Every dog has his day,”—but not the mad ones, if Dr. Pasteur can prevent it. BABES ON THE WOOD. Mr. Powcu , Str, As the Model of Mankind, I a that worthy Doctor of Divinity, Bis °P ALForD, wrote to the Times, complaining that, as a traveller by the Underground Rail- way, he had a grievance against the District Railway for permitting to be exhibited at the South Kensi rd containing ‘‘a most objectionable figure.” eovlesiastic having piqued the curiosity, and no duubt excited the anger of the civilised world, cruelly added to you. Quite recently to be witnessed at a certain place of entertainment.” As I found, after completing the reading of the Bi-hop's epistle, that this ‘‘ shame- less advertisement” was a “‘ constant incentive to immorality,” and that his Lordship “‘ never remembered sceing anything more gross and suggestive paraded before the public eye.” I considered it my duty to go te Suth Kensington Station myself, and inquire into the matter, on behalf of “ young persoas” in general, and “ British Ma'roas” in particular. Arriving at the platform reserved for those who desire to avail themselves of the subway leading to the “ Inventories,” I looked around me. walls were ovvered with “‘ posters,” but I confess on the first blash (I blushed out of compliment to the Bishop) I could see nothing that was an ‘incentive to immorality.” I make a note of the pictures I saw before me, and have seen on other hoardings belonging to the advertising contractors. pater-Salad in the Desert.—An Officer under the influence of electricity (his revolver is flying away from him, as if by Company, | Station, a | 24gneuse, of a more he indignant | *ppareot comfort on a bell-rope | e cit that “he would not attempt to | ** ‘40 : . describe it,” further than to say that “it was descriptive of what is | the conclusion that it was no some power known only to the most scientific) standing in cut-up | green stuff, and regarding a figure from the collection of Madame | Tossaup’s. In the distance, section of the most meaty part of 4) |lobster. This was very appropriately entitled ‘‘ Poor Humanity,” | | but I could see nothing objectionable from the point of view of |moralist, although perhaps Professor Rusxtw might have taken | exception to it artistically for its ‘“* want of truth.” The Economical Sufa.—A Lady in the onstume of a Boulogne | than usually modest character, recliniog with For a moment I thought that per- | haps this figare might have proved the one singled out by a Bishop incentive to immorality,” but really, on consideration, came ** more coarse or suggestive” (say) the Venus of Mao. The Idiot Brothers. —Two foreigners, in an ecstasy of terror, re- | garding a small cardboard box. This I understood, from the legend, | represented a scene out of the Great Pink Pearl. Nothing wrong, so far as | could see. And with this entry my list was exhausted. True, there was fancy (a very fancy) portraiture of the Albert Palace at Batterses, but this was a lan , and not an “ objectionable figure.” Again— on another hoarding—I have seen a comic man-oook (seemingly out of an East-end Pantomime) whacking a gong, and a su us aod | fashionably-attired mother wheeling @ perambulator, but neither of | these were advertised to be witnessed “at a certain place of entertainment.” Once more, there was certainly a placard advertis- ing “* Excelsior,” in which a lady, dressed chiefly in electric light and bangles, was literally jumping upon a gentleman who seeming! had retarned in a bad temper from a costume ball, where be > appeared, with the assistance of a coatumier, oe ¢ in daggers, % Mephistophiles—but here there were two figures, not one. od

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Novempsr 14, 1885.) _PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——! / | | A 4 ‘ \ ‘ Al Ve A. GA ; Lj WY, h I, ff a -\ A Aven MADAME INVENTORIES. y ; / a TAL \\y HER LAST APPEARANCE THIS SEASON. “ FAREWELL, AND IF FoR Ever, THEN For Even FARE THER WELL! "—and ** Hooray !"’ say the Theatrical and Music-hall Managers, . At last I came upon a half-length portrait of a weak-looking individaal who had elected to be * taken” with a pockethandker- ief or a dinner-napkin before his eyes, but even in this quaint composition I could find nothing coarse nor objectionable. Dis- tened, I gave up my search, and for the life of me cannot even now imagine what caused the worthy Bishop to protest so angrily. However, my quest being fruitless, I am still able to sign myself Yours purely, INNOCENCE. The Infants’ Infirmary, Baby-Combe. ‘*The Peasant to his Pig.” Grunt! thee bist always gruntun ; I myself, at times, grunts, too: Grumble and grunt for what we wants ’tis the natur’ on us to. I s’pose thee grunts for barley-meal, or wash thee hasn't got, The same as me when | feels discontented wi’ m But now, as I be told, since I ha’ got a vote to gie, Henoeforrard I shan’t ha’ no cause no moor to grunt like thee. Now I can vote; thee ca’stn’t: thee bist in the scale too low. And so was I thought not much moor nor about a year ago.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

NICK”? OR NOTHING. (At the St. James's Theatre.) Mayraim is an adaptation, from Sanpov's Maison Neuve, by Mr.

ya yank will pobehiy “fthoua with fen, It is a matter of business, be of his opinion. But in this| End of Piece. Final Tableau. “ Baved ! per Sg —to borrow Mr 8. Grtaxet's description is own 1 with which the original French was built w there, the finish of the Viet Act wee weak. As te the Povero, who has long since got over his Hay-fever, and has scent the ha ay over the foot-lights”’ thistime. The play, in five Acta, has, up nence an Mr. ARR’s ‘ormance of Nicholas Bar- rable. But for him Wri this mat, , May- ‘air wou ve gone to Old Nick; it is, however, saved in the nick of time; Scenes in the Life of a Wicked Mobleman. An Arise and Mr. and Mrs. tocratic Party going along on the Drag. Kewpat and Mr. ~<a the-foot- lights Povero have had a Hare~- breadth escape The piece must have been chosen, one would Id euppone, for the sake of the powerful situation in the Fourth Act, w is in the English version. I know how difficult it is to judge of a piece on hearing it read, yet so carefal and experienced a as that of the St. James’s must surely have had some -O-.-- to its ultimate success, even when, after due study, they chose it, voul these misgivings must have been serious when they Bow- dlerised it; they must have grown into stron — when they heard | tation ; and, after they, hed carefully rehearsed it, what could have decided them to | risk its production? Was

it the chance for Mr. Hans, whose acting goes far to- wards yay by piece? ° or was it that they foresaw a triumph for Mr. Carr- wrienTt asthe Aristocratic Lover?’ When the time comes for the Managersand Onward sourse of Wieked Nobleman, but Manageress of the &t. as this takes place during the entr Jacte, James's to write their re- the Audience “ don’t see the pull of it.” miniscences, we shall learn the Secret History of a Failure, but not till then; end till then playgoers will be content to wait. I cannot see that Mr. Prvgro is much to blame So he was commissioned to write this pieee in this 0 ee way; and sagem, Saieinel vlan’ fe io - — ya - ry but to purchase the original y, for w go CHETTE, in order to see how the ae fon ha it” beweclf,

| From “My Lady’s Chamber.” “ Take him by the — right leg, take him by the left leg,” &e. by to adapt at all. ink, personal) of P of his rtation with TexNYson’s phe Ce ed is not a trace of the skill brought an but “the t| when the absconding Clerk does go

- Mrs. Kendal (egonised, and striking her forchead violently). QO Heaven, give me strength to drag on through another Act! overdraws Geoffery’s account, an as | off, it is only with fifteen hundred pounds-worth of Egyptian Unified, which, however, is enough to utterl ly ruin the unhapp i, ery. I don't understand it: en I am nota business man. Only if this is a true picture, it makes me nervous, and I shall have an interview with my Broker,— Stock-Broker, I mean,—as soon as possible. I do, however, = understand M. Sarpov’s atson Neuve, where the plot is worked out in a natural and sensible manner. There can be but one opinion as to the excellence of Mr. Hane’s Nicholas call him. Bat most of the other parts are quite un-barrable. What- Three sheers for the Long Lost Hare!” admit it was, when seen, four nights afterwards, by

ag of the Wicked Nobleman shows many a touch of Mr. Prvuns sly humour, and in the hands of Mr. Carrwaienr, who represents the gay Lothario of our Hered itary Legislating caste, not a point of the fun is lost, and his great scene where he opens the thousand pounds, and has to send to his Solicitor to get him four tirely spoilt | thousand more. Apparently, one hundred and ninety-two —

Barrabie, or ‘* Uncle Nick,” as they Colley Cibber Brookfield as the ever kudos is to be got out of the piece is simply—Nick’s. Mr. BRooxFizLp’s make-up is overdone; if he be intended for a sporting

[Novemper 14, 1885, § W suffers & from a strong vag draught, and then goes jus so-fa and no farther, bk. cause he tumbles dow ~ behind that piece of furni. ture, is replete with ths spirit of true Comedy, and, on Thursday night last, his performance, had the play ended here, was calculate ”. to have sent the audience 5 away in the very — (A humour. The part of : domes, or Ag’nies, played | by Mrs. Kewpat, who wastes her tak, on ona amy is consistently mal *ible from first :4 at | One way, I wouldn’t give | me a for the stock- at eae | wit business of the weal tha Barrable, when he — a hat difficulty’ of finding eight 90 rey ] an ha tri hi of to he re tu dy bi | Or | m h 0 | n £ i

Sperting Pantaloon. Pantaloon, I have no more to say; but if not, then I haven't the slightest ides what sort of creature he is meant to imper- sonate. The ori- Poni of this part, ontarmé, 8 & forty. “Ts Critios seem to have been pretty well right this time in their first-night’s ver- dict ; but then it was not exact! @ new piece, aD * * — ought ve ms ef —— What "= did see must ve \ Dv te a little in

them, as !

Yours truly, Cocoa Nrsss.

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S65 S3&&e. =

Novemagr 14, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SORROWS OF A METROPOLITAN CANDIDATE. Wirn an amount of ignorance upon such matters of which I reall ought to be heartily pee bh concluded that the lie I mi ; f my first pub was fatal to any hopes ht have fas previous] entertained of devoting my- the Commons House of Parliament ; but, to my great astonishment, m Agent came up to me smiling, saying that upon the whole we had done very well, as the Hall was packed with all the tap-seg ond bob-tail of neighbourhood, as curiously desig- = nated them, and that he had just heard news which, if true—as he would ascer- tain before seeing me again—would so largely improve my chance of success as to make it almost a certainty. Some- what reassured by his cheerful tone and manner, I sought my quiet home, and the ) pu ae the hopeful. One thing : a. quite ‘ey sone om ° aoe c meetings for me—no, not if my election depended upon it. That grinning crowd, with their shouts of hter and derision at every little blunder that I made, that awful-looking Clock with its almost immovable hands, and the fierce questioning to which I was subjected, were all so impressed upon ry Rwy nervous temperament that I felt a repetition of it would be too terrible to endure. My Agent kindly gave me two or three days to recover myself,

Khan-did-eight. had previously alluded. It appears that before even the most pa- his country as an M.P., he must deposit with the | Officer of the district he desires to represent the sum of two hundred pounds towards the necessary expenses of the election. [ had not myself heard of this little matter previously, it having probably pet the recollection of my friend and Agent. It appeared then that, for- tunately for me, my qprenent, although a Patriot of the deepest dye, — y, none 0 |own. When, therefore, Ti hundred pounds was | made upon him, he, to use his own impassioned language, threw | himself on his country, or, in other words, consented to the opening of a public subscription in the local paper, which, after being an- | nounced for a fortnight, had produced the totally inadequate sum of £16 18s, 4$d., together with nine postage-stamps from warm but | impecunious admirers. he result of a long discussion between us was, that I should at | once seize upon every available opportunity of enabling - possible | constituents to contrast my su) abundant wealth with my op- | ponent’s palpable want of it. P’ a cheque for a very con- | siderable amount in his hands, I left its 7 to his sole discretion. During the following week I had the gratification of seeing my humble name annou as subscribing very handsomely all sorts and conditions of public subscriptions, with the most un- expected result that while every Treasurer in my District called on me to solicit a handsome donation, I found myself denounced in the sition Local Press as trying to buy with money what I could not obtain by merit, and the Independent Electors were asked if they were going to bow down before the Golden Calf! and allow them- selves to be sold like Cattle! I never was so shocked in all my life. I was actually afraid to walk through the streets by day for fear of peing recognised and I sent to my t to cease from further operations of the same kind, but he replied that he had gone 80 far that it would be useless to di inue now, more y as — heard my liberality spoken of very highly in several influential uarters, Sitting in what I call my Study, perplexed and bewildered, and heartily regretting that I had allowed my ambition to overpower m discretion, who should rush in but the companion of my youth an the friend of my manhood, with whom I was formerly in the habit of taking sweet counsel, who, dashing his hatdown on the table, shouted out at the top of his voice, “‘ Well, if you haven’t been and gone and done it now, it’sa pity!” Astonished and alarmed at his unusual energy, I him to explain himseif, which he did by proving to my entire satisfaction, if I can use such a word to denote horrible conviction—that my so-called liberality was in the eye of the Law, fiv.ng something valuable to influence the voting at an E . which under the 3rd Part of the 3rd Schedule of the 3rd Section of Corrupt and Illegal Practices Act, was punishable by a fine of £200, ene One Year ! at, he supposed, the option of the

Hrrugeto UnPuntisHEep.—A Cutting Reply from Mr, Gladstone. —Sir, I am responsible for my own Ane.” fi

self to service of my country in| be the | land that gives him his title, “THE DUCAL CREATURE.” Tue next time the Duke oy at Brighton Pavilion, will play ‘ Dulce Dome- um,” is will hencef known as Brighton.” But the Duke of EprysvreH ht not to play only on the violin. He should be a proficient on the national instrument of the roamed yy e bag- . Siglaes = wha, if he be always as nerveus as he was violins, and of En — Dukes, yet we s of Edinbro’,” and we would

2 Hang up de fiddle and de bo-o-o! attendance. For ourselves, Hang up de fiddle and de bow! rapturously fond as we are He must take to de pipes must de Duke and then brought me the very satisfactory information to which he | of Must de Duke of Ep-rw-nno’-0-0! triotic of mankind is allowed to aspire to assist in the government of|the air, “ Within a Mile Must de Duke of Euiwnno’. ter ‘“‘a mile” to “five miles,” at which convenient distance we would be content to remain during the Ducal to make room for those to whom even a greater delight than it be to us.

the course of his nominated two obscurities, who were At the end of the proceedings it is “Mr. Joun Ditton congratulated those and say that such a gathering with such a st my mit to this absolute abrogation also a wonder country carrying his nominees with him, and and so have done with it.

“IN FOR A DIG.” Ma. Hersert GARDNER, writing Mr. Srrvurr, his opponent, about ‘‘ Farmyard “The Labourers are Liberal, the would be more chance of be an authority on times. A G per mast evidently Love 0, seateanenst any war of words, as he can too mach time in having 6 dig ot Sie sppebent, Det

a fetish in Disestablishment. Their

perhaps less fetish than defeat-ish ! Conservative.” Now, probably, were the Masters truly Liberal Beers their Labourers being Conservative. Gard’ner may be trusted to know something about labourers, and he evidently does. The gone SS See oes 0, ot ards, though more of a Bantam too Vitory efofe iets won, haa, tarm-inboue, A Srxvrr would but, at the same time, we should advise Se Shae 3a pet be Ex !—Lord R. Grosvenor says the Toy vety have performance, in order ty to the player may be FREE AND INDEPENDENT ELECTORS. . Tuere is, after all, a kind of grim humour among the Land- , though in the House of a they are a oe regrinations, out Candidates as were cabbages, op. Paaenuz arrived tt Cork the other day, and ‘ners controversy. ull lot. In t on the extraordina success of the meeting. Its result was to refute the statement that the I people were unable to govern themselves, and for his own part he considered that such a gathering would have been impossible in England.’’ Mr. Punch heartily agrees with this view. He would go farther, would be impos- Tete Righecritid ond ietiligent thee, like the Iriah, should sub- - in race su t to this of electoral rights ts a marvel. It is that Mr. Panwert takes the trouble to go round the uci , producing them as if they were marionettes. He might just as well iroue « list setting forth the various constituencies, appointing members (o each, to the Standard to clad a By —detur dig-niori—walk on sharp, and leave the rest to—Sravrr.

”

ee ae

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemser 14, 1885, Mamma, “ Don'r STAND IDLING THERE, TumwrY! SANCTA SIMPLICITAS! War pon’r you geap Fasyca sowktimes! Loox at DBAR PaPA, AB Hass’! MTCH Time FOR READING ; BUT WHENEVER HE'S GOT A SPARE MOMENT OR TWO, HE TAKes A Fresca Book ovt or nis PooKkEr avn READS If—JUsT To KexP UP ais Frevca, you xwow!” Dear Papa is much tickled, but keeps his amusement to himsel/ (An “pn Cane > oe A Whip of long experi Bat as regards the “NOT FOR JOE!” Old Song by a New Singer.) I am the Boy from Brummagem, J know a thing or two; Rut if at anything I'm good, ’tis putting on the sorew. For Josxra is my Christian name, and wheresoe’er I go they won't get over Jox I’m wide awake, make no m As all the world shall know ; And if they try it on with me, I tell them—Not for Joz! I'm up behind the Liberal 'Bus, the driver's name is Bri, , 2 Jehu of some toes 2 my coneern you know, or Joz! If doubtful fares will t on, I tell them—Not Chorue—O% no, not for Jox! Not for Joszrn, O dear no! Hi! Allthe way! Stepin! Stepin! That is my usual ery, But a curious-looking Customer I notice standing by, I know him well, as a Fare, I’ve found him not to pay, For he's always grumbling at the pace, and won't go «RTT the way.” Chorus—I'm wide awake, &o. No friend of mine, this ticklish fare, a fidget, full of frigh When in his seat, at the first “s bale nasioes te thebt He hailsmenow. “ An inside this time,” says he, “‘ you know.” Says I, ‘I’m truly grateful, but excuse me-—Not for Jox! Chorus—O dear no, not for Jon! &o, I like to put the pace on, and to pick my Fars. He’s slow, And a jolly sight too critical, so he'll never do for Joz! Chorus—O dear no, not for Jon! &e. I don’t qaite know what Butt will say. He’s far too easy, Butt. Wish I was Whip, I'd faster tool, aud yet with equal skill. But if he takes too mixed a lot, Ill cut the ’Bus, and go. Other Conductors he may try ; the place won’t do for Joz! Chorus—O dear no, not for Joz! &c. Bang! Right behind! What’s that But says? I hope I’ve not done wrong. A Some say I’m ruining the Bus. That’s coming it too strong ; At any rate, I’ll chance it. “‘Cutalong, Brit! Domino!” _ If he wili take such Fares, he must ; but he’ll have to with_Jox. Chorus—I’m wide awake, make no mistake, At least I fancy so. Must the ’Bus crawl for G-scu-n’s sake ? My answer ’s—‘' Not for Joz!” WHAT WILL THEY DO WITH. IT? Is the centre of that triangular in the new “ Place,”—where now the Metropolitan Beet of Works is represented by « Black Board, which, at present, a board of words, and not of works, might be utilised from time to time for displaying diagrams, drawing pre in Euclid, for sketches of models (By J. CLorues- Hos* Ler, A.), and sums in arithmetic, in fact, put generally to such al fresco all-freeschool uses that those who don’t ran may stop and learn some- thing gratis,— Mr. Punch, as The Very First Commissioner of Public He does not pay at any price; he makes no end of fuss, Chief ; ropoli gests that the statue And only very recently almost upect the 'Bus. of General Gonvom ahould be erected.” The site is unique : 0 Wat e obivied Witt and me, yet, on us 80, the Hero of Khartoum. What is the opinion of our Roval Academi- He hails us for another ride. That will not do for Jos! cians? Is there any just cause or impediment? What do our Cherus—O dear no, not for Jon | &e. First Commissioner cad the * Busy B.” mp say? There will Go it, young Rawpotra! Tout away! He doesn’t like your line, | be no ition on the of the crofters. 7, there any 00 But on the whole I fancy it will suit more than mine. the part of the tan Board of Works?

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roe ae ae a | ' PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemngr 14, 1885. “NOT FOR JOE!” Jory C. (to Mr. G-scu-x). “NO ROOM FOR YOU, SIR!” Rivat Cowpucron. “‘ HERE YOU ARE, SIR! JUMP IN HERE, SIR! COME ALONG OF US !! en

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Novemser 14, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL SOMETHING LIKE A HECKLE. Specimen of an Examination Paper intended for Parliamentary Candidates, 1, Are you prepared, in addressing Public Meetings, to make use of language towards your political opponents which you would never dream of applying to your worst enemy in private life ? 2. If you have a general sort of ida that Free Trade has brought unnum- bered blessings to the ce yet that there is a good deal to said in favour of Protection, how would you express that opinion in a form which would not subject you to the charge of being a muddle-headed donkey %. ** Verbosity covers a multitude of inconsistencies.” Explain this maxim, ° it relly ?”? and state how many contradictory De you mene Bi seeny? opinions you think can be true at one and the same time. | 4. Give specimens of the Billingsgate which just succeeds in escap- | ing the incidence of the law against slander. 5. Do you consider hobnailed-boots or a pocket-revolver the handiest weapon when your opponents are throwing the chairs about at one of your own Party meetings ? 6. Explain the following words and expressions :—‘‘ Chuckers- out,” ‘‘ Jerrymandering,” ** Carpet-baggers,” ‘' Strict’ Party Disci- pline,” and ‘* Arbitration declined with thanks.” 7. At what period of Party history did it first become the custom | for Cabinet and ex-Cabinet Ministers to go round the country agita- | ting against the ideas of their ‘* distinguished Leader.” | 8 ‘* Magna est impudentia et prevalebit.” Examine this phrase, | and give a list of third-rate politicians who have raised themselves to | the rank of ‘‘ Statesmen” by language and conduct of which any | gentleman would be heartily ashamed. It has been rumoured in not too well-informed Circles— That a very August Personage, indeed, has telegraphed to Prince | ALeXanDER “‘ not to mind being snubbed, but to keep his spirits up.” That, in the event of the Czar insisting on the return of Prince | ALRXaNDER'S uniform, a Commission in a Highland Regiment of | Volunteers will be forthwith offered him through the Authorities at the War Office. That, Lord Satissury has had a communication from Balmoral that has obliged him to telegraph information to Constantinople which 1 turned the hair of the British Representative white in half-an- our. And lastly, that, events will show that the most important interests of the Empire have been made subservient to a high and exalted Family Connection, with results that will be as startling to, as they will have been unexpected by, the British Public. | CUM GRANO. Those Forty Years. | [Some of the papers complain that Mr. Bricut's long-looked-for Speech | ~ “iat was disappointing, retrospective, and even semi-Toryish in ne **’Trs forty years ago, friend Jouy.” Ah, yes! | Yet zealots grumble that your gaze seems less Upon the future, than on that brave past Of strenuous struggle, and of fighting fast. Turned Toryish, my valiant veteran? Bah, no! But, such « forty played, one plays piano. Time will steal on, and though much good it leaves, Age finds those forty years just Forty Thieves! * Make your Games!” Tue idea of Poor Children’s Play-Rooms it seems has been i- cally experimented upon in the parish of St. Martin’s-in-the-Fields, with what “A Curate,” writing to the St. James's Gazette, plain- tively calls “‘ almost formidable success.” If, with five —— worth of toys, and a big room, hosts of children can be supplied with hours of healthy and happy recreation as often as they are permitted to assemble, there seems no reason why the little Jacks and Jills of the —_ should be ne — over any more, or why poverty, over-pressure ve own way. Bravo Gentlemen of St. Martin’s-in-the-Fields! Mr. Punch will “MILK BELOW!” In a recent number of the Lancet, we read :—‘' There is room for the exercise of philanthropy in procuring and distributing Milk to the poor of our cities.” According to that Journal an abund- ance of Milk could be supplied at two-pence per quart, and yet leave a fair profit for the ucer, were the excessive cost of distribution lessened, as it could », by a proper organisation. Sir James Carrp says that for £100 received for Milk in don, the producer receives but £40, whilst the distributors receive £60. This looks like the handiwork of our old friend the Middleman again! The Lancet goes on to say :— ** The collection and distribution of Milk to the poor of our cities, towns, and villages, at the least possible cost, would open up a sphere for energy, and at the same time afford some promise of relief to the depressed condition of Agriculture, whilst it would be a boon to many an ill-nourished and im- poverished constitution, now deprived of this valuable article of diet.”’ Now then, practical as py me here’s your chance! The milk of human kindness is plentiful; how can it work better than to make the other kind of Milk equally abundant ? CHEAP, DRIPPERS. Mr. Roperts, of Bertram anp Roperts, proposes the utilisation of Dripping for the benefit of the starvin , instead of selling it as a Cook’s perquisite. Hear! Hear! Why hasn’t anyone turned their attention to the subject before? The good Sisters of Nazareth House, Hammersmith, and members of other similar charitable institutions, must have used it for years, and well brought up children have considered it as rather a luxury, yet it has been generally neglected, just as the Waters of Barnet, the Wells of Sadler, and the Mineral Springs of Stanmore in the Harrow district have been allowed to flow unnoticed. Why does not Mr. Ropexts turn his attention to the numerous “‘ Dripping Wells” of England Why, there ’s a natural supply ready at hand. Dripping, according to the old-established proverb, possesses also wonderful solvent pro- perties. There is evidently a great future before Dripping. ‘* Guerdon,—Recompense, Reward.”’ [The Rev. Mr. Gunpon, in the Tubict, says that ‘‘ What we are suffering from in these evil days is general unwhippedness.’’} For universal virtue, health, and sanity Man long has sought a recipe: ’tis found ! The only thing to perfect poor Humanity Is Charity’s solatium—a ‘* Whip Round” |! In future, associating the Reverend Gentleman’s name with the punishment, a whipped boy may speak of his flogging as ** the Guer- don of my guile;” and, if he wants another quotation, he can allude to it as ‘* the just Guerdon of all his villanies.” ** Ropert v. Roperts.”—Our esteemed friend and contributor is justly angry with the Aquarium Caterer, and withthe Pai/ Mali Inter- viewer who headed a paragraph ‘* Rosert drinks the Halt-bottles,” last Saturday. ‘I’m waitin,” says Kopenrt, * and rer the pigs as there’s such a talk about just now, 1’ll give ’em a bit of my mind, avin lots to spare on the subjick. I ain't,” he adds, ‘‘ quit shure as I sharnt go to my Loryers fust and bring a hakshun,” ‘‘ KING OF ALBION, MY LORD "—MAYOR, “ Tuey met; ’t was in the crowd,”—and says one, ‘‘ Has Lord Mayor SraPies anything to do with Staples Inn?” Replies the other, ‘‘ Yes, of course, ‘ Staples’ Inn is the Albion.” Wuar’s tae “Use or Sanum?”—Something, if this item of news is true, that the Great Chapter of Salisbury is to be re-opened, for the first time for centuries, by the new Bishop, who proposes turning over a new leaf, and adding another page to the Sarum history. The Chapter, for having omitted the ceremony so long, will do penance in sheets, the number of sheets necessary for the occasion being twenty-four to the choir. At rue Garery.—We dare say it has already occurred to the Management that ‘‘ Al on account of Eliza” will be a popular chorus for some time to come. Me. Grapstowr’s Favovrtre Pray Jat Ececrion Tuxe.— My watch your further proceedings with much interest and sympathy. * Poll’ and my Partner Joe.” Deana eas FMS ts

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 26. THE ELECTION OF THE LORD MAYOR AT THE GUILDHALL. On, what a glorious Civic crash! How faces glow, how optics glisten! | Sir Henny Kwiont, Trvuscorrt (Sir F.), and then, hirsute and still Why, evea Gog and Magog have descended to look on and listen. undaunted, - The Aldermen in ranks crowd close, the Liverymen all hotly hurtle Sir Rosext Carvey rears his plume that’s always to the front whea To see this mighty Function in the sanctum sacred tothe Turtle. | wanted. How disentangle this thick throng and how identify and localise, Sir AnpRrew Lvusx comes next, and then Cowan and Owpen. Sroxt From Mayor who dons the golden chain, to Liverymen who wildly then finishes : ae vocalise, The great line; but with the next civic importance scarce Its individual units? Lord Mayor Srapies stands (the happy | diminishes, ‘ wearer is placed near Magog’s hand, and next in curly splendour Of this year's chain of office, o’er his shoulders cast by the Mace- a ’ Bearer) | Brisk Sir Joew Bewwett, whose brave show the Mob's half-chaffy The glittering centre of the show. Around him Aldermanic notables | cheer commandeth. And — pee Councillors are ranged, all potent souls among the Then fommnen-Seeennt CuaRLEY comes, the GLapstonx-smasber. pota ust above him ss ‘ Take the top rank from left to right, an Aldermanic lot completely, T. Ropericx, City Secondary, looking as though vain Shows won't First Hawsox, WaTERLOW behind, then H. A. Isaacs. ye : move him. P As at cme wasting at the “ Horns” at i when “ ” | n-Shees Waren next appears, then, to the right of the Mace- wi r, . By Lambeth lambs, McArruve stands. "Tis thus Sir Witt | Sir Taomas Caamerns, gentle Knight, of Civic honours worthy ameth mildly wearer. : At civic feast, at Mission “ spout,” or on an angry Deputation ; Behind him stands the Crier, then H. Homewoop Crawrorp, City Au Six's own smile is not more fixed, childlike, and bland. Stand Solicitor, next in station Grer, ALTman, Pirman (spectacled). Then to the left once mores De Kersex, Excis, Corroy, Daxuy; then that Tory, stout True- visitor, . : _ Towler, The City Marshal we espy, stout, epauletted, and just over him " Poetic, eclassic-quoting Chief known to all men as Lord Mayor — — and Gooprner. If you seek for Sheriff Evans you Fow esr, ver him Last in the Chair, and twioe elect, great of Civic glories, | Below the Loxp Maron's dexter elbow. Cross again ; just wher Whose boldness and whose bits enchant the cheering the Mace orien. Righty Five's Sheriff to the world presents the loftiest of faces. ecm -@ swe ore Feo ed

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WIRES ee Novemazr 14, 1885.) cor a Vote, Let’s "ave War, I say PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |! Mi 1 +. h | ANOTHER CRISIS! Cabman (who has lost heavily). “’Exe'’s a Go, BILt, wiTH THIs ’BRE 'Onse ‘ PLAY-SANTERER’/ MADDY-GARSOAR AIN'T NOTHINK TO U8, NO MORE AIN’r CHAavYNY, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO OUR 'ANDICAPS THESE FRENOH ARS COMIN’ IT TOO sTRONG! AN’ NOW WE'VE Sympathisers (who have been “‘ let in” too). ‘‘Riaut you arg, Grorcs!!” The Mace’s right sees SanosteR, TomKLNS, one above and one below it, Just beneath Prruan, Caisp2 appears, then Woopsriper, Brown,— and now you know it, The bee a Civic galaxy. Broad Beadles in the foreground cluster The rae takes notes, Our Artist limns, the Liverymen fret, fume, and floster. The outside Public, thanks to Punch, thus takes a calm and clear inspection Of that majestic mystic rite that’s known as the Lord Mayor’s Election ! TRUTH IN EARNEST. A Paracrapn, or, to write it in abbreviated form, a ‘‘ Par,” in Truth last week says :— “Tyter and his gang intend, I hear, to send out Lord Dowovenmors on & private mission.” Historically we would ask, ‘‘ What Tyten” ? The answer is “Sir Heyny,” and the object of the ae mission” in question a to be care for the interests of the Peruvian Bondholders in the Chilian out We one like to - ln b may npn 5 in ie qoamegt rivate Missionary.’ a Te be au a name, this Lord can ‘Do no more” than he can do, = is Mediandh because probably he ** Dan know more” than anybody else, and not so much as evidently does the author of this inspired “ Par.” pan motto, which is a warning —f oP, Sages —Y and speculators, is * Keep your eye on your ‘ Par’ in our ‘ our Par’ will pull you through.” , wae . New Tirtz.—Mr. Punch stands Godfather to and pene Exhibition to be opened in December, and names it “‘ The “OLD TIMES COME AGAIN NO MORE!” “FP. R. 8.,” writing to the Times, last Thursday, @ propos of prizes for Natural Science, said, ‘Since Fellows of Colleges have been allowed to marry, the mercenary spirit in the administration of such matters has distinctly increased.” Of course Fellows’ wives are md strict economists ; even dining in Hall would be considered y them as something to be indulged in only on state occasions and at stated times; and probably the after-dinner sittings in Common Room would be tabooed entirely. The old ballad of ** The Monks of Old” needs very little adapting to the present case. Here it is:— Oh, many have told But a time came when Of the Fellows of old, What a jovial jot they were ; And ‘tis most true That a merrier crew Could not be found elsewhere. For they laughed and chaffed, And the good wine quaffed. And told some stories queer. They laughed Ha! na! And quaffed Ha! ha! They quaffed Ha! ha! And lived on the daintiest cheer. ’T was the diemalest thing to hear. Then “ F. R. 8.” says, “ An Oxford College which for years gave annually a Scholarship and sometimes an Exhibition as weil in Natural Svience’’——well, not to quote at length, the Exhibition is not given now. How can it be Hen ew 1 Doesn’t a Feliow’s wife want to come up to London to see the Exhibition in South K-nsington ? Isn’t that Natural Science? And if the Fellow, excellent good Fellow that he is, should still shut his eyes to the fact, then the sooner he opens them the better for his of mind and for his et, as will find his wife a pract: Professor of D.mestic oom and the most erudite teacher of Natural Science. But alas for the Colleges! and alas for the Universities! Their ruin is These jovial men To marry were allowed. With Cupid’s wings They flew for rings, And to Hy men's yoke they bowed. Then they laughed and chaffed, And the good wine quaffed, or twice or thrice in the year. hey laughed Ha! ha! imminent—brought about by the Ladies (bless ’em !) and our South Kensington series of Electrio-lighted Exhibitions. eee

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en | H-nv-net-», who has always snubbed me, once said he ‘‘ wished I’d stopped.” 240 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —_— = eo ——— THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. VIIL—Farom “A Pourrican Ropest.” I DARESAY you wil)Jhave seen in the public prints descriptions of the treatment I have met with at the hands of my fellow countrymen in various parts of the Kingdom. At the present crisis, with a General Election pending, and the possibility of a new Cris) EY , Government coming in or the P old one being strengthened = either case involving the isposition of places and fits), I hold it to be the aty of every patriot Eng- lishman to appear on the scene. I, it is well-known, am above all things a pat- riot Englishman, and I have accordingly appeared on the platform—upon several plat- forms in fact. The result has been identical in every instance. Whether I have spoken in the West of England, or in my own county of Kent, I have heen received with a contumely that has drawn the line only at dead cats. Iam not a man easily put down. I have a due sense of my own value, and of the value of the views | desire to communicate to the public. When I have prepared expositions of these, and get on a platform with intent to deliver them, I mean todo so. But only the other day, a well-dressed mob and I wrestled for three-quarters of an hour, I attempt- ing to speak, and they determined not to hear, keeping up an accursed chorus of “ Yah, Turncoat!” Now, Tony, why is this, and why should this be? I have been before the public for many years, and have earnestly and disinterestedly sought to serve them. I was a Lord of the Treasury for seven years, receiving a mere trifle of £1000 a year. At a slightly advanced remuneration I became Under-Secretary of State for the Home Department, and then went to the Colonies, where When G.-pst-we formed his Government in 1880, I was there, quite ready to serve my country again, and did not seruple to let Gi-pst-nz know this. Bat humbly as I think of myself, I was not inclined to go on at the Under- Secretary rate of pay, and suggested that it was about time I received a pro- motion which I knew would be gratifying to my countrymen, and contributory to the Imperial interests. G. did not see things in that light. There was a new class of men coming on, who claimed the top places at the table, and G. weakly yielded tothem. As for me, he could hardly find words to express his regret that he could not make me Home S:cretary or Secretary for the Colonies. But he hoped I would accept a Peerage. At first I declined, not seeing at the moment how I could serve my country in that position. But he was so persistent, and is so persuasive, that at length I yielded, really rather to oblige him than to gratify myself. Yet people say that I importuned him, and represent him as tossing me a Patent of Peerage partly to get rid of me, and partly to hasten the decomposition of the House of Lords by lowering its standard. There is, of course, the little difficulty about my turning round immediately afterwards and making advances towards the Conservative Party, advances which I am bound to say have not been received with that alacrity I had expected, and, as I may say, had a right to expect. I own that I was a little precipitate. If I had todo it over again I would act differently. Perhaps it would have been as well to allow a year, or say two years, to elapse before I became what my friend Lord R-np-Lpag, very properly applying the phrase to Lord D-xey, calls a “ politieal Redent.” To the gross mind, not accustomed to with G., and failing that having got a Peerage out of him, the autumn was a little early to turn and bite the hand that favoured me, But it was all for the sake of my country. I could not see my late colleagues hurrying the country to the d withoat uplifting a voice, which though a little harsh is humble. Besides itis not quite the thing in the House of Lords to be Liberal in politics, It’s all very well for 4 young fellow like R-s-s-ny, long established and wealthy or fora man like Gr-Nv-LLE, of far-reaching family asso. ciations. But your parrenu, whether peer or commoner nearly always hoists the Tory colours. It may be the Stupid Party; but it is also the Respectable Party. oreover, it was clear there was nothing more to be got out of the Liberals, while the Conservatives are not so well off for talent that they could ignore the genius that wrote Crackers for Christmas, Tales at Tea-Time, and Snoring for Supper. Then there is my country~ but I forgot, | mentioned that before. Now, Tosy, when you have reviewed this state of | things, and considered this plain unvarnished tale, I am sure you will agree with me that my reception at public meetings is inexplicable. The whole thing is strange to me. don’t seem to have hit the public taste, and if you could kindly point out where I have me wrong, except in that little matter of precipitancy have noted, I shall be much obliged. Uriah Heep liked to be despised. I don’t find it altogether comfort- | able. Besides, it interferes with one’s profit and promo- tion. Write soon to Yours despondently, To Tony, M.P., The Kennel, Barks. BR-B-RYE. IN “ NORTHERN LATITUDES,” Ir is not given to all mortals to evince so Christian a disposition as did Mr. Pecksniff, on the memorable occa- sion of his saying to his daughter, ‘‘ Cuanrry, my dear, when I take my chamber-candlestick to-night, remind me to be more than usually particular in praying for Mr. Anrnony CuvzzLEwit, who has done me an injus- tice.” Nor does the temperament of Mark Tapley—a highly improbable person, by the way, whose like we shall never look upon again, the patent for such a crea- tion having died with CuarLes Dickens—fall to the lot of very many persons, especially in Northern Latitudes, and | so it is not surprising that Mr. Eomunp Yates, Proprietor | and Editor of the World,—*t Edmundus, Ed. Mundi,” | —having decided to give us some accounts of his deten- tion for seven weeks in Holloway Gaol, should have | honestly endeavoured to avoid the appearance of being | Pecksniffian in his forgiveness on the one hand, and of | being absurdly Tapleyian on the other. The via media | is the course he has chosen, and, as usual, it is the safest for himself and the pleasantest for his readers. it That the narrative of his sojourn in ‘‘ Northern Lati- tudes” should occasionally suggest the idea of ** reserved force” and strained gaiety is only natural, but being intended as an additional chapter to his cheery Recol- lections, and to be bound up with the new and popular | edition, it was essential that its tone should be in keep- ing with that of those two very readable and gossipy volumes. That he should tell us the story of the trial as an unprejudiced ** bystander,” and of his experience of the interior of the prison quite as an outsider, was neither to be expected nor wished. , Lookers-on may see most of the game, but it does not follow by any means that they know most about the moves, nor that they can give more than a very super- | ficial account of what they have seen. | may see most, but they don’t see it all, We should regret if | Mr. Yates had quite succeeded in the character of 4 | ‘“* Bystander” or Outsider, but he may most certainly | congratulate himself on having so gilded and flavoured | this particular Holloway pill as to make it thoroughly | acceptable to the public. ‘“‘Parapise Reoaivep.”—It is stated that the Rev. Mr. Epen, Vicar of Ticchurst, in Sussex, lately seized some thirty thousand hop-poles for the non-payment of that rural opprobrium known, and hated, as ‘‘extraor- dinary tithe;” Ticehburst must now understand more clearly the depth and subtlety of the poet’s meaning when he spoke of “the happy Eden state.” Lord Salts purY, and other enthusiasts casting about for crushing fairy lore, 1 admit that having in the early spring been anxious to take office arguments against Disestablishment, please take notice! —— a HF TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by @ Stamped and Directed Euvelope or Cover. Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders. {Novemser 14, 1885, COF Est. 181 OPrize Me PETER |} Pravsros EETS TO | Covars, a

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‘ wa month, and then iy will fly to another home. ‘Follow our Dax” — November 21, 1885.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 24 A GOOD PIECE OF BUSINESS. Sexine that this piece, at Toole’s Theatre, is chiefly about invest- ments. prices, buyi shares, and City business generally, On’ Change ought to be as ‘‘ a stock piece.” On’ Change, in spite of ita name, remains, as the Scotch Professor would pea ially ‘‘ on-changed ” from what it was when I read it years ago in MS., its success very uncertain on the English stage unless re-modelled, and considerably re-written. The scenes hang together eon” The first two Acts would be vastly im- ved by compression ; also by toning down the “ business,” the quarrel- foe, > | the strained laughter, which soon becomes wearisome. The piece reminded me of RoneRtson’s earliest work, and the love-making scene in the last Act is first cousin, or cousin-german, to the milk-jug scene in School. But, by the way, wasn’t School also derived from a German source ? 7 : ; ‘ Having said this I have nothing but praise for the details of busi- ness, the laugh- able situations, and the excellent sketch of the Scotch Professor given by Mr. Fevix Mornzis. A Scotchman with his broad dialect is always more or less a nuisance on the stage: the truer to nature the imitation, the worse for the success of the piece. But in On ’ Change, Mr. Morzis is Pe The Poetic aspect of the Play is represented by a exception, and a deal of Scot ants little Moore. sitesi seleichal @ one, : : ¢ tothe rule. There is not too much of him, and in what there is, though on the very border-land—as would be expected from a canny Seot—of caricature, yet Mr. Morris never crosses it, his only tendency being to ex- aggerate the restlessness in his anxiety to cupinsion the old Professor’s intensely nervous irritability. He is a wiry Scotch terrier, very Sve and very wiry. Mr. Gzratp Moorp’s idiotic but very third-rate Masher, though first-rate thorough-going little cad, is a very funny bit of eccentricity, but most danger- ously near the humour of the corner-man in nigger minstrelsy. There is a Mr, Frank Evans playing Tiffin, a servant in the J. 8. CLARKE piece, who, if Mr. ever revived The Comedy of Errors, _— Pls Dromw of Ephesus to his Dromio of Syra- ~. a his tone, — expression were J. 8, CLaRke to the life. Than Mr. Farrew as James Burnett, the kindly, genial, straightforward man of business, » one uae os age ——— It is not much of a part by the side of such a strongly-marked eccentric character as the Pro- fessor, and the over-coloured De Haas, but Mr. Farren gives it an importance and a bright- ness which make it, in its way, quite a little triumph of “ee i fi the, very pos seatepit at his command. The Ladies—bless ’em !—are.all nice ; the part of Iris; played by Miss Eweretta Lawkence, being apparently intendéd for something between Minwie Patmer’s Sweetheart and a ing Lydia Lan- gush. I do not quite understand Mise Iris, but per she is a style of young lady, whether or German I eannot say, new to me, and so it may be that I am not competent to pronounce judg- wh dian of the oabior eax. a. . , 400le’s Theatre, durin absence of its spirit roprietor, who is on ‘ quasi-public businese,’” like Sir Hewny Joes, in'the North, is under the direction of Mr. W. Duck and Miss° Ewenerra Lawrence. A Pair of Ducks! This Duck of a Manager takes the Company to the Strand Theatre,—a Duck having a natural attraction and riverwards,—where they will remain for a a) An Actor who is quite at home in Farren parts. is the Company’s motto. The Ducks may plume themselves on having got a success, and their bills will be’ much the same fora year, if they rearrange the piece, rewrite it here and there, settle down in some convenient spot, and not be scurrying off like Wild Ducks. But Duck is not a goose: he knows what he’s about, for is he not the sole proprietor of Our Boys ? and hasn't he scored off it to any . amount? At all events, without mentioning the ise sum, his score is not represented by “a Duck's egg;” very much the reverse, There’s no reason why On Change, with a little touching up, not run a year or more. The Scotch Professor is already a po character in Iris and her Beau ;°r, The Love Match. a There is one great chance he misses : perhegs he knows what it is, and in his hands, if he avails imself of it, Professor Seneca Peaiee Peck would become a second Dundreary. public, in the bosom of THE WORKING MAN’S FRIEND. {At a large open-air Meeting of Workmen $m Wandsworth Road lately, a lution was carried to the effect ** That this Meeting of Workmen repudiates with indignation the impudent p ion of Mr. Genr-Davis to be, as he styles himself, the Working Man’s Friend.’’} But this remains locked, from the Yours truly, Unspiit Nias, : yg Bill Brown's view off it :-— Awt it’s all mi uitée to hear, And the Muffs ane a the Jugginses‘cheer ; But to chaps as have heard it so often before, This *‘ Friend” business is getting a bit of a bore. When Election time comes, and they ’re after our Votes, All the Candidates pipe te such popular notes ; They make much of our wives, and they love us no end, For each Swell on the stump is a Working,Man’s Friend. When some dapper young Toff, with a twirly moustache, Of mixed figgers and fibs makes a horrible hash ; When, pote = crammed like a poor Strasbourg goose, Cooked statistics and cant on our heads he lets loose ; When he twaddles of Tariffs that Labour shall aid, And remove the ‘*appalling Depression of Trade” ; You may bet your last brown, ere he comes to an end, He will spread himself out as the Working Man’s Friend, When a chap to whose party the Labourer’s Vote Was as hard to get down as a bone in your throat, Comes to beg mine of me, who some few years ago He libelled and sniffed at along o” Bon Lows ;~ When he calls at my diggings, or sends round a lot Of fine ladies to flatter, and fuse, and talk rot ; Then the man as would tse us to serve bis own end, Tells the Missis and me hé’s the Working Man’s Friend! Ah! but me and the new Count Voter just now— The chap with the hammer tad at plough— Have a rare lot of “ Friends ;” and it gut sport To watch ’em all playing at. Codiin and’ t, But gents like Gewr-Davis will patter in vain ; We hold them as help’d us before will again. ng M He who tells us straight truth, and’ aare to the end, Will have the best chance as an’s Friend! Ar tHe Inpraw Viztace.—Pictares of Indian Social Life on view. Evenings with some Indian Clubs. Indian rubber in the card-room every evening. The village cobbler exhibits “* The Last of the Mohi- cans,” showing how the exaet length of the Mohican’s foot had been taken: he also exhibits easy boots made to suit the pecnliar Indian Corn. An Indian File ison yiew at the aba All the Nose Ring tribes are present with their chiefs, the one exeeption being the a whieh has never had afy ‘Anea Chief, and has done very well without one. VoL, LXXXIx, Y

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[Novemper 21, 1885, ———— ———= A RETROSPECT. “Waar a Ltovety New Borner you ‘vz cot, Crissy !” ** Noo Bonner ! Way, I’ve map ir Ysars awp Years!” “STOCK A BUY-BABY!” A rew days since a naughty child called Siyzy | Cronmire, trading as “‘ Herpert Harrison and Com. pany, Stock and Share Brokers,” was sued for d |for the non-delivery of certain Stocks for which a Mr. Montoomery had paid him. The defence of the defanit. ing Baby was that he was “an infant,” and therefory irresponsible—a plea which the | er and a Jury were forced to admit was good in law. So the dea child got a verdict, but without costs, and the unhappy Plaintiff, a butcher at Peebles, Scotland, must put y with the absence of the profit he might have by purchasing Shares that suddenly rose from 1s. 3d, to £6,—and the loss he will no doubt sustain in squaring up with his Sclicitors. It is to be feared, consequently, that r Mr. MontcomeEny will have to complain, before it is all over, of the “‘ banging” of considerably more than ‘*saxpence.” But how comes it that Master Sipyey Cronmire, or ‘* Messrs. Herpert Harrison and Com- pany,” or whatever his name may be, is permitted to pose as a Stockbroker? Surely, the ‘‘ House” should not allow the admission of infants in arms. Is there in the ** House”’’ a nursery for enfants terribles? Doctors and other professional men have to be of full age. (One never hears of a country Practitioner going his rounds to see his patients trundling a hoop, or receives from a toddling Solicitor a bill of costs bearing traces of a half- consumed sugar-stick. In like manner, mere lads are excluded from the Church ; and the spectacle of a baby Parson trying ineffectually to peep over the . of a pulpit is a picture of the imagination only. That a child of tender years should be permitted to become a Sworn Broker, is a disgrace to the City of London, inas- much as strong language is obviously most unsuitable to the lips of sucklings. However, the case under review, if it proves nothing else, establishes the fact to every- body’s satisfaction (Mr. Montcomery’s perhaps excepted) that the announcement in the omnibuses that “‘ infants must be paid for,” is legally defensible. PRESERVATION OF Epprna Forrst.—A’ Correspondent writes to say :—‘‘If something is not done to prevent the wilful destruction of thorn bramble and trees, and to put an end to the reckless sport of Cockney shootists, the sooner a Bill to deal with the matter is brought in, the better.” Yes—if the Bill will keep out the Axe. But this is a matter for the Corporation of London, which holds the property in trust for the people. A BRITISH DRAMATIC MUSEUM. Ore good" idea leads to another, and the “Soudan Museum” essay of Mr. Aveusrvs Harris should not be without ite fruit. Indeed it is already in contemplation to cap the Dru doubt, and the idea has only to be developed, and efficiently carried out, to render the show one of the most interesting and entertaining of ite kind. A commencement, ome well for what is to follow, has already been made, as the subjoined li objects for the proposed Museum will serve to show. “Early Poster,” indicating the re-ap of the Kemsxzs, headed with the announcement of ‘‘ The KzmsLxs are coming.” * A Curious Case of Flies” used under the Management of Davip Garrick. Also a pair of Mr. Bevertey’s Win “‘ Several Strong Expressions” dropped by Mir. Macreapvy while playing Macbeth insufficiently rehearsed. *" The Identical Gin-Bottle ” supplied at the wing to the Elder Kaw prior to his fight with Richmond in Richard the Phird. “‘ Orange” supposed to have been in the original basket carried by Neti Gwynne. ** Portion of the Pound of Butter” used in part of the Pantomime by GrimaLpt. | “* Fragment of the Original Marble Halls,” in which the Bohemian | Girl{dreamt she dwelt, contributed from the effects of the late Mr. ALFRED Burn. h. Spasoenal +— 2 pe use in the Theatre, with which indi- | vidu anagers have contrived, in turns, to make ‘‘ Shakspeare,” spell “‘ Bankruptey.” | ry Lane display | by another, and even more appropriate one, in the shape of a collec- | tion of historic memorials connected with the annals the Theatre itself. That there is a rich fund here to draw u there is no ttle preliminary nucleus of | po making the butter-slide, . together with the original Red-Hot Poker introduced into the after-.| Governmental department * Full-length or Portrait of Mr. E. T. Sucrrn.” ** Rare Shilling Edition” of Watrer Scort’s Tales, presented to Mr. Hatiyay by Mr. Cuatterton. at ro “Bold and Handsome Set of Cartoons,” comprising pictorial Posters utilised by Mr. Avevstus Haggis prior to the production of Human Nature. ‘“‘ The First Big-head with highly Intellectual Countenance.” ** Portrait of a Renter,” name unknown. ** Real Sausage,” left by the German Company. *“‘ A Free List Entirely suspended,” during the run of a popular Melodrama. ‘ ee There are other “‘lots”’ of various descriptions, including “ Fossil xkeepers,” ‘Orders not admitted after Seven,” and the identical letter addressed by the Duke of Campriperto Mr. Aveustus Hanks on the production of Youth. The whole affair promises well. | The present Soudan Collection Mr. Harris must announce al “* The Soudaneries.” | |_ Aworner Not-at-att-at-Home Secrerary.—When Sir W. V. | Haxcovrt read how Mr. VaRtey and his deputation fared at the | Home Office, and how there were hisses and groans, and cries of | | “* Shame!” raised outside by the excited crowd, how the LateSeldom- at-Home Secretary must have chuckled. The temper of a Not-at-all- | at-Home Secretary, who is always Cross, evidently rules in this Patraste Omrssion.—Mr. Goscuen, lecturing “On Figures, never said one word as to the probable return of Crinolines or the advan s of Dress-Improvers. The absence of any illustration from a * Lay-Aigure ” was also much commented upon, and generally attributed by the Scotch Athenians to Mr. GoscHEn’s desire not to say anything on the Disestablishment question. a \\ x | —_- -

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—_— November 21, 1885.] ——_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

—— <= ————— A A = “@ Z \ AS i: ; AGREEMENT BETWEEN TWO GREAT PARTIES. Lord S-l-sb-ry. “ Let’s Tax SueRry,” Sir W. V. H-re- rt, **1’ve wo 'Bugcrion. It’s A MOST 'TRSHTABLE Liquip !” [Illustration of Sir W. V. H.’s Speech at Chester, November 10.

WANTED, A REVISED VERSION, Wnuo translated Pope Leo THe TuiaTeentn’s Encyclical for The Tablet? Here’s a specimen :— “ The defence of the Catholic name, indeed of necessity, demands that in the profession of doctrines which are handed down by the Church, the opinion of all shall be one, and the most perfect constancy, and from this point of view take care that no one connives in any degree at false opinions, or resists with greater gentleness than truth will allow. Concerning those things which are | Matters of opinion, it will be lawful, with moderation and with a desire of inves- | gating the truth, without injurious suspicions and mutual recriminations.”’ | Surely, the translator must have modelled his style on English as | the is Spoke, unless it be the work of the talented Author of that | popular book. Perhaps it is by way of concession to our prejudice in favour of the vernacular, that it is put into a language supposed to be understanded of the people.” If so, the effort, however commend- able, is hardly successful. Papa LRo is too classic and elegant a writer to be treated in this fashion, even by the most scrupulous adapter. ne | THE SHERIFF’S OFFICE, AND THE SHERIFF'S OFFICER. | Last week the Sheriffs for the coming year were nominated, and the report of the proceedings published in the Zimes, of November 13th, is a most instractive article. Petitions to be excused from serving were presented by the score. One gentleman explained that he had had the greatest difficulty in meeting his present expenses, and that entertaining the Judges would probably land him in the Bank- ruptcy Court; another urged that he had had to let his Manor-house and live in furnished apartments, a third, that he had lost all his money in a Chancery suit; a fourth, that he had a small income and a large family ; a fifth, that he had an estate in the county which did not pay, and that he hoped soon to sell it, and so on, and so on. On all sides came stories of real genuine aristocratic distress, even painful in their miserable details. In fact, the general impression seemed to be, that x the inability to pay for the rope prevented some of the proposed Sheriffs from un ing their office, solely with an economical view of becoming their own executioners.

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244 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [November 21, 1889. z = the Music-Hall Jingo sickens all men of sense wd MR. PUNCH’S POLITICAL ADDRESS. feeling. ; ae | TO THE ELRCTORS (AND NON-ELECTORS, MALE AND FEMALE) OF THE|_ Whilst Peace, applied by the pragmatical Non-inter. UNITED KINGDOM, AND TO THE WORLD AT LARGE. Lapres AND GENTLEMEN, _ Rooey- / You will all understand that to begin with. Which is something in an Address, I assure you. "Tis an old cry, and a hearty one, suggestive of sincere greeting and honest intent. the exordium of many a Parliamen Candidate is much like the melancholy Jaques’s ‘‘ Duc- dame,” namely, ‘* an invocation to call fools into a circle.” Mr. Punch is the only real Independent Candidate. He is the nominee of no party, or section, or sect. Wire-pullers come not between him and his huge con- stituency. He is not to be Caucussed into conformity with any ** Platform ” whatsoever, save his own, of which all the ‘‘ planks” himself. As the accepted Counsellor and of all, he cannot to Party give up what was meant—and is used—for Mankind. _ As to loyally following his Leader, a man cannot correctly be said to follow himself. And Mr. Punch has no other Leader. He invites the Leaders of all parties to follow him. Then they will be all right. As to Manifestoes, Programmes, and Points, Official or Extra-Official, Four, or Six, or Sixty, Blue or Buff, or flaming Red, Grand Old, or Mild Middle-aged, or Friskily Adolescent, Mr. Punch binds himself to none of them. His Mani- festo is his weekly Journal, and that is always before the Public. His Programme is continuously unfolded in its pages, and they are in everybody's hands. He makes his own Points and they are Soeependin He is not a Political Savage, and does not therefore daub his whole person Blue, Buff, Red or Polychrome. He combines in himself the ripe wisdom of age with the bright vigour of youth. ae _—— nocd no tips from Harwarden or Hatfield, from Birmingham or rom oodstock. With “Cries” Mr. Punch has nothing to do. laugh—wisely, but well. Rovey-Tooey ! Mr. Punch, in polities, is all for the Four P’s—Principle, Progress, Patriotism and Peace. But these have, in the interest of the Public, to be interpreted and applied by a fifth P,— Punch himself, to wit. For behold the bearings even of these super-excellent things lie in their application. Prineiple, as applied by the Doctrinaires, means dogmatic Dead-lock in national action, fiscal fetish-worship, and the palsying dictatorship of the Political Procustes. Progress, as applied by the fanatic Soci means not the speed that wins, of the trained racer, but the that kills, of runaway colt. ied by cock-a-doodling His business is to make men ) ventionist, is the policy of the Sloth to be followed by the fate of the treed Coon Lone ; For the clear interpretation, sparkling illumination, and yroper limitation of the Four P’s, Mr. Punch refers the ublic to his own pages, passim. Mr. Punch advocates all the Liberty that each man can have without —— the freedom of another, all the Peace that is possible without forfeiting the right to wa against insolent aggression and grinding iniquity, all the Economy that is consistent. with keeping our powder dry, But he would come down like a Thor hammer on lust and licenee, fight, as sturdy Tom Huones has it, while he could stand and see, for right, independence, and honour, and kick to unlimited Limbo any Government whatsoever that for one day would endanger Britain’s fleet-guarded safety for the sake of a Budget. Rooey- Tovey ' Mr. Punch would cherish ‘‘ Our Boys ”’ of British blood in our world-sprinkling Colonies as the very apple of the national eye, the very core of the na’ heart. Any political Squeers who pomgeets to stint or snub these Boys of ours may expect from Mr. Punch’s baton a larrupping to which the flagellation administered by the indignant Nicholas was a mere trifle. $ &o He would, in fact, allow the’Empire to be disintegrated as little by flouting the faithful as by knuckling under to the disloyal. é These be the main outlines of a National Policy, com- pores with which such things; as naughtily obstructive rds, Retaliatory Tariffs, Land Allotments, From Option, and Disestablishment to-day or to-morrow, are if not exactly leather and prun at least matters of minor importance and urgency. . r. Punch may be trusted to deal with that Jack-in- the-box Bogey Protection, wheresoever and whensoever it pops J its foolish head, in his own decisive way. But e will also recognise the fact, sometimes forgotten b Doctrinaires that starving] stomachs can’t be fed wi formulas. He will take due ‘care that the reasonable freedom of the enpenaie date er shall not be sacrificed to the doubt- ful needs of the drunkard. ; q As to the Lords—well, they had better mind their eyes tad rather, their ayes and noes—for Mr. Punch’s is on em. Concerning that troublesome trio, Lord LanpaRasset, Alderman Pockerem, and Mr. BumBiz, pt eugh! there’s a bad time coming, boys, for them, which, however, will be a good time for prada Shenay Monopolies, Rings, and P, porochial” potterers have notice to quit and must go, caleulated for the latitude of Hole-cum-Corner. it is delivered urd: et orbi, to all Nationsand toall Nationalities. Let Princes heed it and Peoples will be happy ! Let Peoples observe it, and Parties will beat t For him who unites the Votes of all, Crowned H as well as others, must ive their Voices. The European shall become @ armonious reality, whose ensemble might move Sraavs to envy and Goprrey to emulation, when its various per- formers obey the baton, and play up to the Pan-pipes of the great International Conductor, Mr. Bandmaster Punch. ae d Ladies and Gentlemen, there you are! I do not hope shortly to have the honour of spouting to you from every platform in the country. See you all dep ticated first’ Mr. Punch only speaks from his own platform, and that he does not only at Election time, but every week all the year round. So that youall have ever at hand an unfail- ing fount of political wisdom, and a certain antidote to the countless columns of blather, and blarney, and bunkum, and blare and bounce you are constrained to read—or best —in your several localities. And a good thing for you that it is so, or surely you get speechified into ® litical calenture, an :plunging blindly and despairingly. rown fathom deep in the ocean of vain verbosity As to “* hoping I may enjoy the high privilege of repre- senting you’’—risum teneatis amici hy affect to age late on a foregone conclusion? Only this remember, tha' whichever Party be returned to office, Mr. Punch, the non-partisan Member for Everywhere, will be in power’ For therein lies the chief hope of Brerybedy | axe Patriotism — sweet and ourable name! — Chauvinism, comes to signify the selfish, s ted swagger with which Signed The Sanctum, Fleet pony November, 1885, This Address is not directed to Little Pedlington, nor | | | Pee ee atinti>n Qteats Ga ai> Gh

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Novempgr 21, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 245 VERB. SAP. (A Remonstrance and an Explanation, for the benefit of some kind Friends—and others—at a distance.) Havine received several letters from well-meaning readers on the subject of a srvehalt of in the last number but two, headed “A Fact,” we, on be of the ever charitably-disposed Mr. Punch, beg to say that og Po P.is at any of, his friends for one moment supposin, le of selecting a sacred theme as a suit- able ly)? Prior jes jesting et did such correspondents, if Liberals, think of Lord ANDOLPH’S comparing Mr. GLADSTONE’s manifesto tothe Authorised Version, or, if Conservatives, of Lord Rosxsery, at Edinburgh, adapting a question from the Sorrel — a to hisfown particular case, which quotation is reported to have been received a aera part of Af Punch’ s recognised tirist, to But it being a r.Punch’s mission, as a satiri' come down hecsly upon all exhibitions of cant, and therefore from time to time, as occasion may arise, on those smug, ignorant, self- elected teachers who vulgarise Scriptural texts by using them as their stock-in-trade phrases, he was not sorry to record i an instance, respectably vouched for as ‘‘a fact,” of one of these obtru- sively sanctimonious oe receiving a smart and telling rebuff from an honestly indignant English yeoman. Honi soit gut ae a y mt and Mr. P. wishes us to say thus much, and no more, on this subject, though for ourselves, and for our own part, we will add one word on another matter, and that is d propos of @ ‘legend "toa os a where undue prominence was given to “* poor letter ‘ Now, in the “‘ proof-slip,” we —_ ‘*H——” into “‘to we ” thus ee ye me. ——_ an owner’s strong expression to ‘something w w tter for ears and eyes polite, But this “‘slip” by the merest accident,—by another “‘ slip,”—did not reach the Printer’s hands. Perhaps the Printer’s Devil—‘‘ intervening” like the Queen’s Proctor—laid an embargo on it. Anyhow, that slip only reappeared too late to be rod any use; for the ter, as an educated man, unaccustomed to omitting "his a naturally — this one in its place, where it was discovered when past prayin ag Sincerely, at that moment, we feel for the trouble of mind which a sin of omission, a want of sufficient care in revision, as he has since explained, caused Mr. Epmunp Yates, when a certain para- graph from a trusted contributor, after it had been marked by him for condemnation, suddenly appeared in his journal, ‘ unbeknown” to himself. Heavy was his punishment for this ; very heavy, as it appears to us now, compared with a sentence recent! pronounced i in a case preg- nant with far more serious co’ uences. Fancy, we said to ourselves, if instead of only an aspirate which is ‘‘ whispered in Heaven,” but ‘‘ muttered” elsewhere, it had been a libel! Well, well, we are all human,—with a capital ‘“‘H,” and a ~~ ay" of Havavsros Human-nature Hanris,—and having erred, we hasten, proprio motu, to do penance in this sheet, and hold a candle to—no, that’s wrong again— Qui s’excuse accuse, et nous nous en accusons. We prefer this course. We like to be ’umble ommotngt and don’t often get the chance of apologising for a ‘‘ bi big D, ” which we might have been pardoned or uttering, when the big big H” anaes ‘our observant eye, ere we, in our misplaced confidence thought that it had Sous ittosend of once and for ever. , A MODEST FLOWER. Wrrn the rattling there something alm Se Sbod Freed Soctice fll loud in our sf unpret ost soothing in turning to a little volume of un hid rhyme th that has mt si it is stated on its ttle per The little volume in quation, Fem row a toe Stories in Verse, adapted to the ideas f childres ) four to eight years old, ex- plains ite ¢ appearance by stating that “‘with the recent revival of interest in the earlier pA nar Be for children, there have arisen born little ix demand’ Mt te mot, perhaye? ee ing to find thet ein dem there has been no very pressing salicton Dennall tes Dai absence of any acute a, for - republication speaks well for the dominant sense of uring which its reputation has been suffered to lapse ; Carel boat es to understand the nature of that recent “revival of interest in earlier publications for children” that has provoked its reappearance. That in the year 1806, when it was wohtea its “ cautionary ” verses may have * adapted to the ideas of from four to eight years old”’ need not now be questioned; but it must be confessed that for the chil- cet ge accustomed » Tae A Folks’ aa. 2 eee te uestion, appear offer somewhat fare. there ee ceeataee Pt. forward sim- — about the “ ” that - not without ttt obs its charm. What, or instance, can be more direct and atic than—we quote at random—the following, entitled, Frroht 'y Sam” ? $ Tom and CHARLES once took a walk hy ~ bre as Rie ounger brother, WILL, To see a pretty lamb, m in the dirt ; And, as they went, began to talk aa Shen hi his poor Mamma was ill Of little naughty Sam, He teased her for a squirt. ** And I,” said Tom, “ won't Play with Sam, Although he hasa But here the pretty little lamb To talking put a stop. As, however, two-and-thirty “ cautionary stories,” of which the above may be regarded as an average Tks and which h are accom- “pom by woodcuts of the period, comprise . it may = conceived that those who have been Pag in about it wil when their inquisitiveness is satisfied by a of its pages, mill something a little stronger in backbone, more in harmony with the thoughts and ideas of the ph For instance, the naughty boy of = Poe in an Pt ‘ cautionary ” sense needs a much more robust han at awarded to Naughty — The mere idea of ram ms nb - brother in the mud, and bo hating | ate mother for a squirt, would be quite insufficient to su ments of the modern sensational en tie Ho evel nevete te deeais eae Tee as SPITEFUL PETER. Young Peter was ll of spite, That he, without remorse, ) em a ton of ynamite, And blew up Cha- ring Cross, And when Police- man A. discerned The upshot of his vice, To Purmn’s Nurse he sadly turned, And said, “This isn’t nice. o bey gentlemen who life begin By giving folks a shock, May someday find My 3 within A common ond 8 doc Then again, the typical ‘ cas much greater breadth of treatment than ct by the 1 pages of The Daisy. In these days of over-pressure the ity should not be missed of investing the picture with dramatic force in this obvious direction. What, for instance, could be more to the purpose than the subjoined little “‘ cautionary ” poem :— TINY JEM, ’Tis pleasing to see Tiny Jem, Whose age is un- der two, Floor the Binomial Theorem And Hydrostatics too. For him Papa has lofty views, And loves to see him gr srope a About, and try his best to use , The Solar Spec- troscope. And says Papa, ** Although he looks, I own, atrifle wild, He will, if kept well to his Turn "out a clever child.” There are, of course, a host of other subjects that suggest them- selves, but the above will serve to show what could be done direction indicated. A ha combination of strict rag of paien und Viguen af Sines is all that is needed to follow up The Daisy oe Ee Se & certainly be far more yee vad the eas of modern of from four to eight years old than the mild pabulum which apparently satisfied our arene ny We make Messrs. Guirrrru, Fanran & Co., the enterprising Publishers, a present of the Bas fo wan aaah Sian Ee ee

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——— [Novemper 21, 1885, WK Cousin Sophia (talented and accomplished). ‘‘ Yes; I Like Mr. Freson, ne’s so Sensisie. He TOLD ME HE DIDN'T CARE A Rap FOR UNINTELLECTUAL WOMEN, HOWEVER BEAUTIFUL THEY MIGHT BE!’ Cousin Bella (only pretty). ‘‘Dip HR, REALLY! WHY, HE TOLD ME HE COULDN'T B84R INTELLECTUAL WomeN! He saip WomaAn’s Mission was TO be Beavriro.!” (TALKING OVER THE BALL.) ““MEN WERE DECEIVERS EVER.” = Same am - oe Re. oe ES ra ——_= th AO a i wm eee = CALLING THEM HOME, Hono! Hoeho! The call resounds Afar o’er rock and heather ; ’Tis time from pasture’s farthest bounds To call the flock together. They ’ve rambled wide since morning’s prime, Unchecked by crook or collie ; To let them stray beyond their time Would show the Shepherd’s folly. Hoho! Hoeho! With call and crook He shouts and signals, ily a tumble up from byre and nook, The old ones trotting steadily, Home to his feet as oft of old, That well-known voice obeying ; To find within the ancient fold An end to frolic straying. And if of youngsters one or two Seem yet inclined to gambol, The call, the crook, will check them too In their too venturous ramble. That Shepherd knows his art too well To let them wildly wander, Or far from the bell-wether’s bell To stray from here to yonder. He all day through hath still reclined, And let them feed at leisure ; And one would rove at his sweet mind, And one would leap at pleasure. But now that folding-hour’s at hand, He rises from the heather And summonses the woolly band Though one or two be wild of wil), To seek fresh ures loving, They ’ll follow the Old Shepherd still, For all their taste for roving. He knows, however far they roam, His rallying call will find them ; Like Bo-Peep’s sheep, they ’ll all come home, And bring their tails behind them ! THE VOTE OF THE RED AND THE BLUE. (A Tragic Sequel to a recent Legal Decision.) CotongEL Prpectay asked for the Adjutant. ** Please, Sir,” returned the Sergeant- Major, ‘‘Mr. Awpiey-Roome’s gone can- vassing. He won't be here until after the Election.” The Colonel bit two inches off his mous- tache, but kept his temper. ‘‘ Where’s the Majors ?” was his next inquiry. * Please, Sir, standing for the Division,” was the prompt reply. ‘‘ Mr. AwpLey-Roome told me, Sir, that you had struck them off duty, so that they might attend to their political affairs.” ** Ah! to be sure—so I did, soIdid! Bless the Election!” And another inch of the Colonel’s moustache was bitten off. Then seeing that the non-commissioned officer still linge: the asked, “* Well, Ser- geant-Major, do you want anything ?” * Please, Sir, after I have sounded for the parade, may I have leave? I have promised to take the chair this afternoon at a meeting i Senior Major is to address his Back home to bond and tether. ** Very well,” replied Colonel Piprctay. And the Sergeant-Major saluted, and retired. Five minutes later, the Commander of the Battalion appeared in the barrack-square. ‘** Hallo!” he exclaimed, in astonishment, ** Where ’s the Regiment ?”’ ** Please, Sir, they ’re all away at the Elec- tion,” replied a voice, apparently proceeding from the guardhouse. ‘‘Who’s that addressing me?” asked Colonel Prrzctay, looking round, and dis- covering no one. ** Please, Sir, the Prisoner.” And the solitary occupant of the guardhouse brought himself to ‘‘ attention ” in his cell. ‘* Well, Prisoner, you and I seem to be the only people on parade. What’s the meaning of if this ?” asked the Colonel through the bars of the small window. ** Please, Sir, I heard that Major Buack, commanding the Right Half-Battalion, had given leave to his companies A, B, C, and D to hear him lecture on Conservatism, while Major Wurre had ordered his Half-Battalion to hear him speak on the Radical programme. Another two inches of the Colonel's mous- tache were sacrificed. Then he called out angrily for a bugler. . “ Verry sorry, Sir,” replied a Police-con- stable, he happened to be passing, ‘‘ but the whole of the Drums and Fifes have been run in by the School Board. As for your Officers, they, like the Adjutant, are The officers of Major Biacx’s Half-Battalion for Major White, and the officers of Major constituents, subject to your permission.” Wuure’s Wing for Major Brack.” “Good Gracious!” exclai Colonel

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemzer 21, 1885. CALLING THEM HOME.

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anot of ¥ = pol this ewe} futu diff batt got | my | of m — uw beg that com wou

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Novemser 21, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 249 | PrPECLAY. - All voting against one another! What will become of discipline !’ . p . } by the new Act, Sir,” replied the Police-constable, ‘‘ discipline | js suspended till after the Election.” { Before the Colonel had time to make an angry but suitable reply | a telegram from the Horse-Guards signed ‘‘ Campriper”’ was handed ‘to him for perusal. The despatch ran as follows :— | “General Order. Soldiers’ vote sending Service to custumary | destination ; only, as I hate strong language, don’t swear !” And Colonel Preectay being a good soldier (and knowing that | obedience to a superior is a . good soldier’sfirst duty) didn't! But the | effort to repress utterance of his vigorous thoughts was too much for | him, and he died of spontaneous combustion. And he was buried | with military honours—after the Election ! LORD MARE’S DAY. Hearne from my old frend the Gildhall Beedle, who told it me with allmost a tear in his two eyes, as how as the old onered shun, tired out with their constant worry fust with one Ome Seck- retary who wonted to reduse ’em to a meer Westry, and then with | p \\ ‘wl ly \ another Ome Seckretary who wonts to 4 the quite common Bored of Works—who ain’t not got ewen no ——_ wnds and no Field Marshall, let alone a pair of Sherryffs and a Sword Bearer—over their old and ancient heds, had, to — the powerful langwidge of the Sportin World, “ thrown hup Spunge,” and fearing thereforefthat this here Lord Mare’s hallowed Show might be the werry last, I con- seeved sitch a idea as ony cums to us in our extremitys. “Yes, Roper,” I sed to myself, “if this is to be the hend of ewerythink in the Show line, jine in it, and form a part of it, so as future ages of all kinds may say wen speaking sorrowfully of it, I’m Ca oo eee was tans & was fitting as he shoud be.” I had no ‘iffyeulty in gaining my hobject. I nose seweral of the Eppin Forest Keepers, so 1 marched wietoryously along with them as far as the butiful Gri and then quietly slipping down in Chancery Lane got back to m without not never being mist. Having taken my last final farewell, probberbly, of the werry grandist specktackle of moddern times, if we exceps the Drury Lane Pantomine, I felt just a leetle down on my luck, as the Bishop said when the Larndress scorched his lorn sleeves, but a glass or too of my faverit Myd yet mo all ight, ~- Fp om my arduous ae + nergy. washu y m was present in rayther greater force than nt grumbled because the horses that drawed the four City Company's hemblems was only werry common Cart Horses! Of coarse they expected as RorHSscHILD woud have lent about 20 of his race horses for the hinteresting cerry- mony! Then at the Bankwet they grumbled at the Turtel soup becoz the thin was too thin and the thick was too thick, and’at the piggeon _ becoz there weet not eT in em. Jn - wunders sum e . expectin n Maraskino in the Jelly nex, insted of we nose what. Most of us Waiters and Common Counslers being starnch Con- serwatifs has been a looking forward for some time to see our old frends cum amongst us again and cheer us hup a little, as we sadly wants it, so Her Madjesty’s Ministers was receeved with plenty of chairs as they marched up to be presented with arts and smilin faces. And didn’t bran new unyforms look fovel why in freshness and shinyness they was amost ekwal to the Lord Vare ~ own footmen’s livverys, and that’s about as big a com t as even , Hed Waiter could pay ae to a ‘a my og istry. _ mpany was a werry brilliant one, speshally 8, and as for the Dimons they was that numerus and that dazzli 7 that the gas all seemed wasted. Brown, who was wunce in the Pornbro g line, and so ort to know sumthink about their wally, said as how as he thort he shoud put it down at jest about a million, if they was all recl. But there’s no imperance as Brown isn’t le of. We was all a good deal disapinted with the Prime Minister’s . He torked a long while about a lot of forren things as nobody t seem to care much about, for they was as silent as the Toom, or three on ’em was acshally fast But he rowsed ’em up a bit towards the hend wen he sed as he to see lots more Lord Mares with all their ushul splender with nobody to hinterfere with their goings on. If I mite without ce put in jest a word, it wood be, them ’s my sentiments toa Tea. _ The Lord Mare looked splendid, as us and ‘so did the Rite Honnerabel the Lady Maress with her nice t of Pink Pearls. It’s estonishing how all Lord Mares cuts out their Four Fathers. He didn’t care about speaking Greek all nite, as he mite easily have done, of coarse, so he spoke French, jest like a Native, witch of coarse estonished ’em, jest as Natives easily is. Brown as if the French Embassador had bin there he would have him as a Man and a Brother, and have called him Mar Mare The Judges maid us all larf with their fun, to which their q EE apearance gave a hextra relish. The Lord Chanceseller—who that rude and wulger Brown said reminded him of Mr. Tooie when in his prime—made ’em all rore by sain as they might as well expek oo tears from a flint stone as good law from him, and that he did no intend to erbolish primeoginytur. The Master of the Rolle—who Browx tried to perewade me was Master of the B Com: but I know’d better—told ’em that if > nobody woudn’t beleeve him. His brother Judges was all different from one another excep in one ais and that was, they was all as clever as the cleverest man as ever lived ?—Tork about cheek! said Brown—and though Gor differed they never made use of bad lang- widge, like some people he coud name, nor called each other ooty names. One or two of the gents at the table tried to larf, but sumhow thinks it was ony to hide their tell-tail blushes. The Turne General said as how it was the duty of the Bar to the Judges Straight, but they was sitch a rampagious lot that it it a werry difficult thing to do, but they meant on a they knowed as it was amost a hopeless task ! ter these jolly ers had finished with their capital charff, the rest of the Speakers seemed a werry sollem lot, so amost everybod got up and went away. I got thro my ofishal duties as quick as possible and got into the Libery to see the Judges’ qu as Brown told me was about to be dansed by the Lord ceseller, the Master of the Mr. Judge Lopes, and Mr. Sargent Rosrrsow, with the four t coe of the Lady Maress’s sweet, but I was two late for wunce witch I was werry sorry for, as I shoud think it must have bin about the best part of the hole Show. Ropert, P.S.—" Rosert v. Roserts.” Who drinks the arf bottels, I shall rite on this pint in my nex. AN ARCHIDIACONAL FUNCTION. Dors each night Archdeacon Dewison Ask on Giapstone’s head a benison ? No. Yet if he’s still perverse, _ GLapsTone’s not a whit the worse, ** Because,” retorts Archdeacon D., ‘*Gtapstone ’s bad as bad can be ; And I'd as soon—such ie my whim— Pray for Old Nick as pray for him.” Pray for Old Nick wi’ Rospre Buns, And then for Giapstows, both by turns. If thus Origen-al you be. Which willy thong int, ie’ . amoun Be credited to your accoun GLADSTONIAN, BUT RATHER IN THE Sryte oF THE Late Mz. ManrTA.in1.—Disestablishment is a question of the dim future. er Petatpnan tr Po OEE SO ACR ON te

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemper 21, 1885,

. “paste = —T own aoa a A Sader 4

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Wednesday, Nov. 18.—Dissolution day. Here when Parliament opened ; come down to see the last of it. A very different scene. en a crowd coming and going, talking and laughing, shaking hands and wagging heads. Now an empty Chamber, ghostly looking in holland covers, an empty Chair, silent benches, and a damp Novem- her atmosphere. Also, hes are ghosts—any number of ghosts, though not all of dead men. There’s Giapstone walking up to be sworn in, advancing with long strides, making Jow obeisance to the Chair amid the rapturous cheering of the host of his supporters. Fall of hope and life and energy; going to do greater things than ever ; an invincible majority at his back ; no fear of dissensions ; all united under the epee leader of modern times, not yet known as the Grand Old Man. Behind, standing at the Bar with hands outstretched, is a burly figure, which asks with plaintive voice, ‘‘ What are you going to do withme?” This is Braptaven, destined presently to test the unity of the majority. On his right, in the corner seat, on the Front Bench below the Gangway, sits a youth, whose pallid face betokens much burning of the midnight oil. He sits and truculently twirls his moustache. Next to him, seated on the extreme edge of the bench, with arms folded across his chest, hat tilted over his forehead, ® pomanage of diplomatic mien the scene through his les. articularly watches effect upon the Premier. Sir SrarrorD Nortucorg, physically making as little of himself as possible, sits with a hand up either sleeve, and head bowed down on the chest. After a while the ghost at the Bar walks towards the table : another, slighter in form dressed in black shorts and pointed-tail coat, with frills at his wrists and a sword at his side, glides on to the scene. He and BrapLaveH pirouette up and down floor before an amazed and excited legislature. Hartivetow lounges in with one hand in his posit, ant hat swinging in the other. Behind him, steadily overtaking him with rapid pace, comes Lord Faepericx CavenDIsH with something that, through the ghostly atmosphere, looks like a stain of blood on his chest. Bricut takes his old seat on the Treasury Bench. CHAMBER- Lain and Diixg, with characteristic modesty, seat themselves at the remote obscurer end, waiting for the voice (voz popult) that shall say, ‘* Friends, go up higher.” Hancovrt sits and smiles softly to himself. Fonrsrer s himself half over the bench, shouldering even tL: Looe yet, thesmeek and unaggressive President of the 0 . Nearly six years ago these figures and others came and went full of bustle and life. Now they have all vanished, and nothing is left but the silent Chamber, the flitting ghosts, and the ghastly brown holland covering that looks as if it hid whole rows of Corpses. i

- me <4 £4

)42E4SE45S8E AESRESSIRSEP SSE SESE

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Novemper 21, 1885.) | had a temporary success, it was “‘ meddle | and mudd err | deprecating all attempts to give his mean- |ing any other colouring hm ¥ Artist md eRe, yet thinks Meddle pede LF. fa regard for its‘encouragement in the dim - LADSTONE with the high-minded, but PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 251 AT THE “ ALBION,” “The ‘ Albion,’ in Drury Lane, has of late years lost much of its old renown asa theatrical tavern and favourite haunt of first-nighters. Messrs. SprERs AND Ponp have just purchased the lease, and promise to restore its faded glories.”’— The World. Ho! Waiter at the ‘* Albion,” Before you bustle out, TOTS grid. and bring the stout For well you know me I'll be sworn, Not one of your chance comers, I’ve used the house both night and morn, For five-and-forty summers. How often in this room I’ve sat, On many an afternoon, And played ’mid histrionic chat, With meditative spoon. And oft at night I’ve talked and laugh’d And scorned the winter's * And haply modest beakers quaff’d With actors from old Drury. The shadows of a by-gone age, My dreaming eyes behold The mighty men who trod the stage In all the days of old. I see MacrEapy and the KEans, Here presently assembles, Each hero of a thousand scenes, Your GaRRicks and your KemBLEs. And coming down to later times, I see amid the smoke, How Sorneen heard the midnight chimes, And Bucxston®e cracked his joke. While actors of the modern school Are here, of fame deserving ; Our Baycrort, and our lively Tooter, And Hare, and Hewry Irvine. And here, on many future nights, When some new play is o’er Will critics gather ‘neath the lights, And actors yay J the floor. May each piece in those days beyond Our ken, find firm defender : And well we know, O Sprexs anp Ponn, Your chops and steaks are tender. THE G. 0. M. ON ARTISTS’ MODELS. We are entirely unauthorised to state that Mr. Honstey, R.A., has received a letter from Mr. Giapstowg, ‘‘ werry much applauding what he’d done,” or rather what he had said about unclothed models in Art Schools. The Right Honourable Gentle- man says he has no rooted antipathy to the Naked Truth, and sees no objection to Truth, when in a state of nudity, remaining in the Well, which well he would leave slone. But Truth out of the Well is evi- aly another matter, and should be, as Mr. Horstey would have the models, well wrapped up. The G. O. M. quite under- stands how painful it must be to Mr. Hors- LeY’s feelings to travel about the country at this time of year, as he is doing, in Fhin of Oita oy xhibition o: in uence of the trees being stript. There was once a political phrase, which and Mr. Giapstong, while were just now remembered it ture. Mr. G f — —— ACCOMMODATION. Needy Friend (to Prosperous Speculator). ‘‘Now, 1¥ YOU COULD MAKE IT Firry !—AND YOU 'RE 1x svcm Luvox THAT IT's JusT possisLe I May Pay You BACK IN——” gise beforehand and wit © himself convinced that the humble possessor Grapstoye than ‘‘ speaking Horstery.” highest motives, though we may condemn their conduct. hen article in the Daily Telegraph of last Friday on projects for establishi y remonstrates somewhat too wife” (i.e. some wife, any wife), he had substituted the verb ‘‘to_marry. severe, Artist for having, as he had been informed,—and if wrongly informed he would apolo- hdraw the observation,—dismissed a country servant, who, on being asked if he recognised a landscape of Mr. Horsiey’s, replied that ‘‘ He knew’d it at once, The sound of “‘knew’d” was, of course, objectionable, but the Right Honourable Gentleman of the Service-franchise erred ignorantly, not wilfully, and, therefore, if it had so happened, he begged he might be reinstated. Finally, Mr. Guapstone observes that his recent huskiness suggested his addressing the eminent Artist, as the sound of his own voice had reminded him that he was less like speaking A Correction.—We are bound by Christian quateny, sire Fang A one te in - when e é of a lively ** hostels ” for Cit Clerks, we read that ‘‘ there is but one radically effective remedy for bachelor loneliness, that, unfortunately, many members of the useful and honourable guild of City Clerks are from financial reasons, unable to secure—a wife,”—we may suggest that the writer would have made his real meaning clearer, if, instead of the vague recommendation to take ‘‘a wae dt ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. [Novemser 21, 1886,

—$—» S lightful Eesayist in posses- sing a practical knowledge of the modern Stage, and a further advantage in being alive to write about it. A student of SHax- SPEARE gifted with keen dramatic instinct, whether he be a player or no, wiil not only meditate upon the poetry, try to think out every line, and gain an insight into every charac- ter, but will also attempt to realise, in his mind’s eye, the scenes in action. SHAxKsPEARE's Dramas, to be thoroughly appreciated, must be Studied with the heart of a Poet and the eye of a Stage-Manager. An intelligent and ex- perienced Actor may throw great light upon some otherwise unintelligible passage by the invention of appropriate stage-business which, it will be at once felt, was the one g wanting to complete the Scene. But this is equally true of all plays of which we do not possess the “* prompt copies,” or where the details of the action have not been most carefully provided and written down. Mr. Invoye in his study can put down all the business for all the characters in Hamlet from beginning to end, and how few comparatively would take the trouble to read the laborious compilation when published! But in three hours they can be impressed with a clearer view of how Mr. Invixe thinks the play of Hamlet ought to be represented, by visiting the Lyceum Theatre, than ever they could by studyi after day such an “ acting edition” as we have just imeninal ey may or may not agree with Mr. Invina’s views, but, on the whole, the majority of those who are fairly well up in the play will enjoy the performance more for that very reason ; and the fact of their having seen the play. intelligently performed, will add a zest to their next perusal of it in the privacy of their own study. If we had no theatres, and suddenly discovered the plays of Suax- SPEARE, there would be a national subscription, or, in days, & Limited Liability Company immediately formed, for the pu building a theatre for their special production. We should not be content merely to read them: we should want to see them in action. What Cartes Lams, who was not much of a dramatist himself, does not seem to value sufficiently is, the undeniable fact that these plays were written to be performed, not to be read, and the characters were in many cases, notably that of Hamlet, written to suit certain members of SHaxsPEare’s Company. We fancy Mr. Fitz@ERALD has missed this point—or we have overlooked it, in reading his com- mentary, which, by the way, is written in + oa chatty style, and if it does no more than promote a ge re-reading of Eha’s Essays, it will have served a good purpose. ? A Christmas Angel.—We protest against Mr. Farszon getting us to take him into our houses with his Christmas 1, and then in return taking ws in, and making us weep and and blow our noses, and giving us red eyes and violent coldsin our heads. It isn’t kind, Mr. Farsgon. Such Angels’ visits are fortunately few and Far(jeon) between, so it will be another twelve months before he to do it again. There is yet another month to Christmas. soour advice is, read this book—a beautiful little book it is, though s bit cloudy and mysterious at first,—before Christmas comes, and then t something to make you laugh, for Mr. Farsgon’s Angel will not o this. Very much to the contrary. Most of the illustrations, by Gorpow Browy, are full of character, but here and there lit ** frenchy ” in style for truthful representations of low Cockney types | First of a Series of Unrecognisable Portraits of Celebrities. This is “* Pursy Fitzgerald.”

@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompamed Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Novemnrr 21, 1885. “Wee eather, pereet, ced meet effective FIRE EXTIPOUISHER ww the HARDEN “STAR” HAND GRENADE, which ~ INSTANTLY, a> ALLED FOR PRIVATE RESIDENCES, PU Ri BUILDINGS, COUNTRY HOUSES, YA “HTS STEAMSHIPS, THEATRES, &c omsiets of a Biwe Glass Globe or Bottle, filled with ® chrmical Gald, which when broken over or into the Flames STANTLY EXTINGUISHES THE Always ready for use, cannot get cut of order, and. being hermetically sealed by a Patent Svopper the exclusive property of this Company whl keep indefinitely. Can be hung round every floor of your Warehouse, (Office, or Factory, and in every room of your Dwelling Operates instantly. Will not injure Clothing or Persons Hundreds of Fires have been extinguished, end Thousends of Pounds Saved, by using the “ ” HARDEN “STAR” HAND GRENADE. 480. per Dozen nett. Ob>tainabic from all respect- able lronmongers, House Decorators, & Furnishers, BEWARE of IMITATIONS, none of which are hermetically sealed, and are therefore worthless The Kiue Grenade alone is genuine, and its colour and form are registered Exhibitions every Thursday, admission by Ticket obtainabls without charge at THE HARDEN “STAR” HAND CRENADE FIRE EXTINGUISHER CO. (LIMITED), l, HOLBORN VIADUCT. KROPP'S« > PATTERNS ‘a their NEW MATE- RIALS for the together with the ILLUSTRATED PRICE LIST, con- taining 260 En- gravings, ilustra- ting the most becoming and fashionable styles of Costume for the wear of Gentle men, Youths, Boys, and Ladies. “Eten” Suit, SAMUEL BROTHERS, MEKCHANT TAILOKS, OUTFITTERS, &e., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hili, Lonpon, E.C, CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTIA EXHIBITION, 1am. 25s. the Gall ; 50s. the Doz. Canatson Paip Casa Ontr. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N.W. REAL GERMAN HOULLOW-GROUND BOTTLING STORES— Fae Bicomesvey Maxsrow, Haar Sraeerr, W.C. Pn m | Agents for India—CUTLER, PALMER, & 00. ain on 7 ene ALWAYS READY FOR US! The finest Kazor ever manufectured Mr. Heway Lavine writes I find your Razors excellent The money will be returned if the Razors are not as represented Bieck Handle. Ivory Bene $5 Easting: Caro cometete he Ge } Pair in Leather Case Red 21 a. Od, 4 Kesors tls td a Od 7. Dey ( eases complete Kae vd 636 Ord. From all Dealers, or direct from the Englich Depét, 61, FRITH S&T, SOHO BQUARE, LONDON, W The ‘CRITERION’ CAFETIERE, ARNDT'S PATENT Extre “tte Dy aimp’y Gilling the upper part with Solling water . th 4 j pete AND WHOLESOME rhe ERTIES OF COFFERS nae Ex THACTIAG THE Sons Us BUNSTAS CES BUF Al PEINE AnD TAND hizes—2 ‘ 6 . 2 large cups Block Tin a 6 6468 6K OK Rolled Nickel l 16 14, Agents for Pngland, Ireland. and Colonies :— THUS FP. LOOK @ CO H Lox pom Agents for Scotland R. WYLIE HILL & ©O., Anoriut Sr , Graseow DINNER, wo AND PASSENCER LIFTS. CLARK, BUNNETT & CO., IMITED, Rathbone Piece, W 1 King St., London, E.( PROSPECTUSES FREE _ REVOLVING STEEL SHI TTERS SULPHOLINE LOTION (The Cure for Skin Diseases) Spot im a few days removes every Eruption MORTLOCK’S CHINA AND GLASS SERVICES, as supplied to B.M. THE QUEEN and the COURTS of EUROPE. LARGEST COLLECTION IN LONDON. Patterns Carriage Paid Discount 15 per Cent. OXFORD ST. & ORCHARD ST., W. “OLD 18 THE NEW COLOUR IN GOLD: EMBOSSED LEATHER JAPANESE PAPERHANGINGS. Untarnishable end washable. No after painting or colouring required. To be had through: all Deco rators avd Furnishers, and Wholesa'e only of the Manufacturers ROTTMANN, STROME, & CO. #9 £51, ST. MARY AXE, LONDON, E.C. TAMAR INDIEN CRILLON. A laxative and refreshing Fruit Lozenge ror CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Headache, Loss of Appetite, Cerebral Congestion. Prepared by E. GRILLON, @, QUEEN STREET, CITY, LONDON Blemish, rendering the Skin cheer, smeoth, su, ale, 4 Temar is agreeable to take, and never produces and healthy a every where AA u ¥ FIVE COLL LS Borwicks BAKING POWDER rritation, nor interferes with business or pieasure Sold by all Chemists and Drugg sts. 2s. 64. a box, stamp inciuded MELLOR’S SAUCE SAMUEL BROTHERS| pa GOLD MEDAL, ANTWERP, 1885. TADDY & CO., Lonpon. PW oF 75% “You Syour.p Try THEIR, Myris GROVE.” CHOICE ROSE TREES.— COOLING’S GUINEA BUNDLE, ‘or Autemn lanting. cont«ins #0 of the most beautiful varieties of BUrH KOSES in cultivation. A very choice selection of hybrid perpetual, tea-scented, moss, and climbing kinds, carefully packeu and torwarded carriage free to any railway station on rece Post Office Order or Cheque. Half the number, equally choice, free for Ils Descriptive Catalogue of Ko esand fruit T:ees post free GEO. COOLING & SONS, Tar Nonewares, Bata OPER FRERES' FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. VINTAGE 1880. a Te ATTRACT PUBLIC ATTENTION and create an immediate and widespread de- mand, we have made such arrangements wi h the | Waterbury Watch Coulpan as enabie us to supply | one of their Cetepnateo Wareravay Watches, Keyless,in Nickel silver Case, with Chain attache - = smokers OLD HONESTY CIGAR their sending us 100 Coupons Fach sabe contains a ¢ m Particulars of your Toba mist W holesa Depot—55. HOLBOKN IADUCT, LONDON THE BEST BLACK INK KNOWN— -DRAPER’S INK (DICHROIC). WHEN THIS INK Is USED WRITING BECOMES A PLEA*>URI May be had from all Stationers. Lom ion Depét HAYDEN & CO., 10, Warwick Square, 2.6. Sore Mancractureas | BEWLEY & DRAPER, Dublin. HOWARD BEDFORD PLOUGHS BEST & SAFEST D NTLERICE SOLD BY y byte AND PERFUMERS, IN ELECANT CRYSTAL TOILET CASKET OSS COMFORTABLE * disti: SILK THREAD attec with the YELLOW stops ~—_ mal ng oy HE nvaiua to persons w from toothac’ ms, decay and offensive w drops in a little water to rin they will not only NEVER 2 THE END. That w children 's use. Suez aino recommendsa of soft Tooth-brush, made of ith of tartar and whitening the teeth Through any Chemist, or direct ©O., Free by Parcels Post. Yellow Th Tooth-Paste, 4s. 6d. Suez Teoth- _ Cavtion.—To guard imitations, see that each “ Wileoz & Co., a PROM None EET Thee ae HE ~~: the x with ho suffer sensitiveness of my f 8U PER reserve their TEETH SOUN AGais fee teen ole ted b and his ORANGE TOOTH-PASTE or en : Green Thres read, 2, $4.; Red Thread, te ainst fra 1 bears the 239, Oxford Street, Loni” BAe — TEET} the G: the teen ot D ond Win the RED y from WILooy ~ Brushes, le @ A GAN One of these Cigarettes the worst attack of AST Ag CHITIS, HAY FEVER, cnt ” SHORTNESS & BREATI Persons who suffer at sight coughing, phiegm, and short breath, tod ¢ invaluable, as they instantly check the promote sieep, and allow the pati Are perfectly harm by ladies, children, and most deli Hoxes of 35 Cigarettes, 2s. 6d., from and al) Chemists. ASTHMA.COUGH. BRONCHITIS Cavtion.—To guard against fn imitations, see that each box bears the nam “* Wileoz & Co., 230, Oxford Street, Lenin: mediate , COUGH, ent to passa cate a WILL may be ests LOX 6 @, P ‘HE finest prevention agains NE es introouced to the changeable cli Everyone should use them and jud; None and Signature. To be obtained of all respec Chemists, Hosiers, and Drapers. Write tr intormation, Medical Te timonials, &c., to E. GUTMANN, 13, BASINGHALL STREET, RALGIA, SCIATICA, and TOOTHACHE genuine unless stamped with Trade Mar t COLDS, NED mate of Eng! ge for themes LONDON, E° NESTLE’: MILK ® FOOD Also well adapted for CHILDREN and LN VALIDS. Teas Oxty PERFECT SUPPLEMENT ann SUBSTITUTE ron MOTHER'S MILK. Recommended by the Highest M in Engiand and ail parts of Prepared at Vevey, Switzerland. edical Author the World Sold C.BRANDAUER«I IRCULAR POINTED rite as smoothly as a jead pe scratch on Roints being soundest a edals awa: , of any Stationer, or to C. ee & Co,"s Pen Works, acu, ded. Printed by William Stuart an Une in the bity of Lotion, and published by hiss'at et to, Vlowt Street. Ya the of Middlesex, “ the Printing Offices of the Parish of St. Bride, City of Messrs. bradbu Lendon.—Satvunpir, November 2 ¥. a” ry, Agne kong Lombard suet

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ate patients Wilcox 0 nat fo are the name reet, Londen,” oi , x . : es r vw m z @ , N\ : ¥ COLDS, Ee , ie F a VOLUME dig y ~ eigenen al ce Me EIGHTY - NINE. ——-_———————e ee he NTT —_——— NOVEMBER 28, — Se se are ak Oe) i Weare: RS Site PUNE HV OLS aie tT Ww, | iy Hi 1G | Ay) \ Vn yd f | : SA. a NN} ip Wie. ; i iH eo Ning Ne \: hl? Nile “Nas 4" sill ae Waie (ye uae 2 PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, \ ‘[is numerous ie ddaeihddione \ A pol lunaris: gyn mor |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novemser 28, 1585.

Wetts’s DIARIES for 1886 a rewent the CH FAPEST, "Sa ant WOOT PRACTICAL kind to use Teese WELL KNOWN end O DPD. ESTA HLISHED Dearie ARE PUBLISHED OBLY by LETTS, SON, & CO. (Limited), 83, Bing William Strest, London Bridge, B.6., Prem whem Price Liste and Catelogues can be had; Bord by «!)) Sletiow ers amd hootss'ale THE WEW ELECTORAL DIVISIONS. , haif Persian Morocco, ‘ ce Me

Jest Published » Bye STANFORD: 8 PARLIAMEN- YY COUNTY ATLAS AND AND HANDBOOK OF = cunteaim to County Statistics Loca) Administraiiow. and ew Par y Constituenct The Maps tmelude, in addition to Ma "“ on « Uniform seaie of ail the Counties, Plant of Towne oe = Br two Members. coloured to show 2% B 3 36é “= oo ii PE | 2 & |S © 8 EDINDURGH, 9; George &. (Head Office). LONDON, 83, i Ta E.O. 3, i East, 8.W. DUBLIN, 66, Upper Back ville Street. Basnce Orriwcet and Adtecies Uf ledis ane tas Cotes ins.

POWELL S

Por Covems, if Chemists throughout the ro “i, fam ah shou a be without a eral, Mow, 2," Bates: years Prepared on * THOMAS POWERL, ly i Biack friars Road; London Bonwi CKS

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oat doubt, ‘a 3 prem —- 2 May be obtained Corestiere of the presen ¢ time, esther in England or +, Of any Chemist or s Abroad, and her success is &» Perfumer. ¥ unequalled.”—Vide Press. ong sire®’ 4 CORSETS edapted to : every fixure (em on point, i,

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M°CALL’S PAYSANDU OX TONGUES. H _ In consequence of I mitations of IRA & FERRINS SAUCER, which are caleulated to deceive the Public Les & Pueeins beg todraw attention tothe factthat each bette of the Original and Genuine WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE Lea rte Bold Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester, dan @ Biscaw ei, London ; and Export Oilmen generally. Retail by Dealers in sauces throughout the W orid.

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CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILX (PATENT). For all of weak digestion. Always available as a Kestorative and delid ous beverage. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILE For the Invatid. For Weakly Children and Conva.escenta Deticious in coffee or tea. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILI (PATENT). By using exclusively this form of milk, the risks of infection, inseparable from mse of ordinary milk, are entirely avoided. No digestion required. SAVORY & MOORE, NEW BOND STREET, LONDON. Tina, 28. 64, each, obtainable everywhere. COLD MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, 1884. E KY N's NEU Vaal c PeaSe PILLS, = = cS Sick Sick Sendache They will prove exeelient nerve tonic Ce there is oe ir: itability — mention accompanied by com lessness rice 2s. 9d., of ail Chemists Whotrsale at Hanctsy & Sons, London BEST HAVANA CICARS. AT IMPORT PRICES. The greatest Connoisseurs, the keenest Burr’ the bes: Judges of value now purchase their © BENSON’S, 61, St. Paul's Churchyard 16s... 108,, & 228 Fer 100, Samples 5 ‘or ls. (14 Stamp al HOWARD BEDFORD PLOUGHS en ROWLANDS ODONTO.

-—

Is the Tooth Powde a ew re whitens the Teeth. prevents decay c s fragrance to tlie breath + se rom al or substances, of whic chéwp Ti Powders and Washes on compen pM eh e ename!. an‘ is the only Oe to made. PJ no UDON ot LAN D'S, the original and only 6°*

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Novemsge 28, 188%. ] PONCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 253 Smith ’and ’eld ’er. TRADE-MAREKS FOR WELL-KNOWN PUBLISHERS. ( Designed by Dumb-Crambo Junior.) Chat 0! and Windows. there Clear-drawn treacle, in addition, Simple syrup—that is all, Husbee, thet ak There you get the composition thesimpl, ie, soft, ieee raes prees, _, impostors ‘* honey” Cr oh mili Sold, besides, wi range of Epping Forest. When hers, we were here. HUM OF BEE. “Spurntous Honzy.—The adulteration and falsification of honey is car- ually barefaced manner.”—Medical Press and Circular. “‘ Best New Honey.” middle ou of your money test dodge beware, ‘ogg bogus honey, Of a4 jara nmdors have you raeer meant your eye to Allthat stom ha bamming Ba, A CRY FROM EPPING FOREST. I want to thank you, good Mr. Punch, for what Things pare lately gone very hard wi were really be For hundreds an handrede of years, we fallow Deer have had free Ancient Britons were mere begin- Since time was, the Forest has been “ fallow” What is happening to us now no Fallow can eg Dear Mr. Punch we are not being killed—that would be and we are but venison. At the Civic ‘‘ hunts” about we are literally tortured to death. tion callous to agony inflicted in its name, it will stop, once ever, the | ghastly ‘‘ sport” of the past season. My Sire lies rottia morning last Sep- tember before a band. of yelling beaters, one of his legs was smashed below the knee by a Cockney ‘ * sportsman’s”’ ae shot. in be Forest. Flying one you have a Does the thing your City bowels of compassion ? If it is not 1“ ever, what is done is done, and sad thing to think those B in all probabili the fae Such a futare noe dia but, fear, not distant ! Vicar’s stu: y- window, just to foretaste of to-morrow’s news. Contechchig cay wil hott the best way of appropriating of the two hundred and fifty millions y- “The National and Educational Halls eople ” mga + pepy ey seems not half- ought to work well.” t tbe amended, THE DISESTABLISHER’S DIARY. . Coming Extracts from— According to the Prophets. Vorep last night for the readin the ‘‘ Church of land pincpaar igh rte Git ding of to Char of Began’ ye ion bees yk Foy Being a looked in this Mecnadh into Wostaninster Abbey, to see how the old place strikes one under its new conditions. Effect curious at first. Little tea and coffee-tables in rows the nave strike one as quaint and almost out soon grows familiar with them. Building fairl Has been leased A Ee iy Sunday Improvement ” and t tentative and not oe eee looked in, some AL a the habits of the whole thing, within the General stitade of the pubic apthe g round his hat for half-pence. of i T General attitude home. Heard a bit o not seem to go down. Wepckes gestty al — ustrated by front of the sereen. Foeess not much interested. eee a when recognised, being out, found the Dean, surrounded b one or two Minor Canons, forth to a large but decently-behaved mob on the iniquity of ud railings of the enclosure. He appeared to bees way t aid ht I saw Lippow behind a column takin, em 0 caren he will ina Times. look ou vi oa letter to to-morrow'e . Disturbances of dispousesed Country Clergy Meeting of several thousand at Stoke Pogis, Le i appear to continue. have vanished everywhere with the country vicars and their wives. They don’t seem to accept the National Country Inquiry Committee's Agent as an equivalent, although, on investigation, he is empowered to render temporary extreme cases of necessity, when assistance in he meets with them. The abolishing of the Country Clergy has undoubtedly opened up a perplexing problem for eolution. | Thin ee ae Church dignitaries Was much shocked this morning eh oe types A we ay. Toe wm out aprons and battered shovel-hate, parading the street, and join in the chorus, “* We’ ng no work todo.” I sent them out a of bread and a Suge , and they seemed, poor fellows! quite grate- ful. Really, fully taken in all the should there’s no help for it. Bat it is a ty, come on to Disestablishsnent, I do not por gh. I Some Fruits. [The St. James's Gazette says that noth that there should be a thorough overhauling more is now demanded than the fruits of Free Trade.’’) “ Faurrs” P These of Postestion would speedily come, And their nature all men in advance may di The Capitalist might make sure of a “ Bat the fruit for the Poor would be * VoL. LX3Xrz.

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254 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemnzr 28, 1885, | GENUINE ENTHUSIASM. PAPER-KNIFE POEMS, | By Our Special Book-Marker, | | ‘A Journnat Kept sy Dick Dory | in 1840,” ’Tis more than forty years ago, The world was not so old, you knov, And we were yo I fancy so— life was and vernal : Years, years before one used to see, In Punch, the monogram “ R.)),,” Or, Mr. Pips his Diarie— Was written Dick Doyle’s Journal’ Here cunning youthful fingers trace, | A scene, a show, a well-known place, A character, a form, a face, With quaint remark diurnal: | What graceful fancy and what heart! oe what humour, and what And all that Genius can impart, We find in Dick Doyle’s Journal! Shrewd is the Artist andexact: | It would appear he could extract | From passing folly, fashion, fac The essence and the kernel : " | | And, as you linger o’er the page, That chronicles a byegone ome, You'll leave no picture, I'll engage, | Unseanned in Dick Doyle's Jour- | nal! ’Mid ‘‘ Journals,” I have ne’er found one Throughout so admirably done; | So full of honest, boyish fun, =| And spirits sempiternal ! There’s not a page that’s dull or dry— | A book you ought at once to buy— | So quick to Smitn & Exvper fly, And order Dick Doyle’s Journal. | “KIND INQUIRIES.” A CorresponpDENT having called Lord Harrryerton’s attention to aspeech by the Tory Candidate for West Cramtown, in which his Lordship was stated to be a ‘‘ Communist in disguise, and a secret friend of all the most desperate of the Continental Nihilists,” Lord Haxtineton’s Secretary writes that his Lordship is glad to supple- ment the information given. Not only is he a munist and Nihilist, but Ae was the person who set fire to the Tuileries, murdered the late Czan, and materially assisted Guy Fawxes in his spirited bat premature attempt to introduce the C/éture into Parliament. A Gentleman in Essex has written the following letter to Mr. Baieut :— Sra,—lIs it or is it not a fact that a prisoner at Portland in the years 1843-6 had exactly the same Christian and surname as yourself? Is it also a fact that on one occasion when Mr. CoppEen and yourself were both to address a meeting on Free Trade, you purposely elbowed that gentleman, pretending that it was a pure piven ? wor over the edge of the platform, whereby he sustained a Sostaes of the knee-cap, all in order that you might occupy first place in the attention of your audience? As my uncle's father-in-law knew a man who was at the meeting, you see my information is indisputably correct. Yours indi tly, A Brewryenam ELEcror. Mr. Buicut has forwarded the following reply :— 4 Rochdale, Nov. Srz,—You are evidently some new form of jackass. Mr. CospEn never had a fracture of the knee-cap in his life. Jouw Bricur. A Correspondent, having invited Mr. Grapstong “to explain, if he can, the fact that he is at the present moment the -owner of valuable Gold Mines, in the neighbourhood of Widdin, which accounts for his disapproval of the Servian invasion of that province,” has received a reply to this effect :— “Mr. Grapstowe begs to acknowledge the letter from a Gentle- man 6 himself, ‘ Nor ro st Humsvueerp Easity.’ He has made it a rule never to answer silly calumnies of any sort, and only does so now because he finds it impossible to adhere to his rule for more than five consecutive minutes. Mr. Giapstone is surprised at the state- ments of his Correspondent. At this period of the electoral contest | he will not allow himself to be dragged into a discussion on Gold | Mines, or any other mines. He may, however, adduce one or two| reasons why his Correspondent’s assertion is d priors improbable. In | Mr. Giapstonr’s belief, Bulgarian Law does not admit of part-owner- | ship of any kind ; he, moreover, is not aware that there are Gold | Mines in the vicinity of Widdin, bat on this point expresses no decided | opinion. If all these arguments are inconclusive, he finally says, what perhaps might have been placed at the beginning of this com- munication, that as a matter-of-fact he does not own, or part-own, Gold Mines near Widdin, or anywhere else, and the statement thst he does so, is false.” The subjoined correspondence has also been sent to us for publi- cation :— | To the Right Hon. the Marquis of Salisbury, K.G. My Lorgp, I wisn to address to you a pertinent inquiry. One who knows, because he was there, tells me that at the recent banquet a Guildhall, you were distinctly heard to say, when the toast of Hz Masesty’s health was being drunk,—*‘ That ’s one cheer too many. | Sach a disloyal remark from the professed Champion of the Consti- tution needs no comment from, Yours threateningly, AVENGER. | The Marquis of Satissury has replied as follows :— Hatfield, Nov. 18. | Sre,—The incident was this. Three hearty cheers were given 10) the usual way, and some unauthorised person attempted 4 fourth. | This gave rise to a jocose observation from myself, in which | am unable to see anything approaching disloyalty, and I regard your inquiry as rather impertinent than pertinent. Yours obediently, SALISBURY. | To this the same Correspondent has seplied that “he isn’t at all satisfied with the explanations given, and as soon as he can get lesv | from the authorities of the establishment where he resides, he wi | come and personally explain to the Marquis his reasons.” The Secretary of the noble Marquis has forwarded this latter oom- manication to the Governor of Colney Hatch, with a request that be will exercise greater supervision in future over the cpistalary vagaries of the lunatics under his care. ——— id

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| Novemper 28, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 255 | WAITING FOR THE VERDICT. a —d \ hy i ie a) u | rt-own, nt that r publi. | ne who quet at | of Hee many.” | Consti- Wartrexc! What will it be, the iesue ’ Amsteia, too, with an eye 7 Onto, How will the new threads interweave Wonders and watches. The Turk humbly hangs; Into the old diplomatical tissue ? “ Dog may eat dog” is his time-honoured motto, Will it, as optimist Tories believe, His only task ’s to keep clear of their fangs. Bring back their Bensamrn’s ‘ spirited ” policy ? Moody the Muscovite, furtive as Bruin Or must they reckon with Wii114M again ? for honey, but dreading the sting ; Will British Voters the Radicals’ folly see ? B ing o’er schemes which the Verdict may ru‘n, Or will they flock in Midlothian’s train ? Hopes that the issue may shoot on the wing. . at all Is the old glamour exhausted and impotent, Lithe Lady France looketh vigilant. Verily t leave | Or does its wielder retain the old spell Much, for them all, on this case may depend ; he will | F’en over ‘‘ vistas most distant and dim ” poter t? If it goes one way some schemes will run merrily, None may divine—yet a short time will tel’. If in the other, some plans will find end. So then they wait all expectant. The Iron Oue Had they their way they would settle it readily, Grimly inquisitive, firm in his faith Then were the Verdict conclusion foregone ; That, of all perils and plagues that environ one, But British Judges = te and steadily, Weak vacillation brings surest of scathe. ‘And British Jaries have ways of their own!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ee, |Novemper 28, 1885, =x A REMARKABLE series of volumes on ‘‘ Sports and P Srrott’s, obsolete—has be the standard English on the sub undeniably competent authorities, and alone will be a sufficient guarantee for the correctness title of this series, The Badminton mere iret ineplration, Detmiaten, the Toe Migh in Grace the Duke of Beavrom a a Three volumes have of assisted by Atraxp 2. T. Warsor,” who to to the rank of a Baronet for the occasion, as from the Dake of Baavront, K.G., to plain Atragpy E. T. Watson is rather a drop, though it would have looked better if the name of the untitled, but talented assistant, had been printed as “ Atyrep Watson, E. T.,” which wonld have balanced the “ K.G.” However, ALFRED the Little prefers to be ’umble and to “ assist” His Grace. The Hanting volume is an- AON [¥' \ a i\N) a \) nounced as written by the LE Dake of Bracrort, K.G.,and (4772 Mowsray Mounts. Itisen- Bea riched by contributions from the Earl of Surrotk snp i BERKSHIRE, two single gentle- men rolled into one, the Rev. E. Davies {gled to see that a Sporting Parson sti remains. Is it to this Contri- butor we owe the on his prototypes, the hunting Abbots and sporting Bi of the thirteenth century Driesr Conaamygnd the ubiqui- tous Atraep Watson, E. T. Of course this volume, as one of the series, must also have been edited by the Duke and , wy panes. The uke is a deservedly popular M.F.H., and the type of a on Dramatic News, and author of Hunting Sketches, knowing equally as much of Sport as he does of the Drama ; and or a five-barred gate (with crotchets r well be ii How he would take an Oratorio in his in and out of a Fantasia, and follow every note of music in maniike style! We ay ane Coumatio ene apts you whether a musical piece was well mounted or not ; ailseund, womeycny Get, foarte couldn't be a fitter man for the post. terly Reviewer, Editor compilation of poetic extr journalists. he therefcre, as this work on Hunting, Mownmay and i been long by a trio whose Bravrozt, K. have been $Q e.)\ Ne \S | P.\YES a muine English Sportsman. and Contributor, Atraxp, is Editor of the Sporting and > THE BOOK OF BADMINTON. . The! not have been shelves sufficient for the ANY \ ile Wg Ss also, or having been till recently, the Musical Critic on the Standard, a bet amt i and quavers in it) could not is stride, jump true work- eye he would tell of his being on the Standard, there His Grace's collaborateur in this volume on Hunting is Mowsray Morris, an Oxonian whose undergraduate experiences ify him to get through what he can’t Oo ove j n the and champagne criticisms,” which so annoyed some actors and astimes”"—rice asked to contribute, as he could recount some stirring experiences oy | oon been commenced. It is intended to and off his charger curing. i! run of 7 an rie fe being written by | than any recoun in this work, or any other on Hunting | An nese, every distinguished contributor couldn’t have had a rom} of its information, and for tes leh eoecuee te Ge at detail The and Pastimes, Hanter, His | first on Hunting, the of his own The dedication i second on Fishing, and the same partrid to HERE. the Prince of ae wes * Beavrort,” and the viyle,” in @ hard-blowing wind; in Preface, signed by “the Rites, | beieg repeated at the ment of each volume, on Princinle, we that good thing. The series, is Duke ought t thing about the hard-blowing wind in this case ; in — net pote roa it of muy and in his attendance at Cricket | asa eae Matchen in tine, in fact, ** raised A\\\\ \ THREE JOLLY BADMINTON BOYS. \\’ | Ducrow’s, Batty’s, or Astley’s in the first volume, or at least, jp | | that chapter of it which is mainly—and tail-ly—devoted to “The | Horse.” It is a thousand pities that Mr. Hewry Nevitiz was not | in the series, or even in the Library of Ducal ton there would The Dedication is to ‘‘ one of the best and keenest sportsmen of ox; | time,” H.R.H., who excels, it appears, in “‘extricating himself from | a crowd,” —of course, the crowd never will get out of H.R H.'s way; | \in “taking a line of his own,”—why did he not write several “ lines ” in this book ?—in ‘* knoc over driven groute, and | and high-rocketing pheasants, in first-rate workmanlike | being “‘ a good yachtsman,”—it | ** like “—~ _—- aes. fond of | all manly sports.” And a great compliment this from his Grace, | Then comes “The Preface” signed by the Editor, K.G., presum- | ably assisted by ALFRED War- son, E. T. There’s some | roughish ground to get over here. For instance :— “Tt is to point the way to su- | cess to those who are ignorant of the sciences they aspire to master, and who have no friend to help | or coach them, that these volumes are written.”’ | Where was the talented | friend *‘to help and coach” the Editor K.G. in the above instance? Here’s a little easier going :— “To those who have worked hard to place simply and clearly before the reader t which he will find within.” The noble Editor then grace- of the Publisher,”—what on earth did he do? Come down to Badminton himeelf, and wait “ ” in for the ‘‘ copy”! Did he hold the Duke’ sstirrup, or, when saw His Grace mounted, did he courteously refrain from making any as to .’—that is ALFRED ‘ Watson, E.T. But from whst might be have “‘ flinched”? s fence, tt and rails, a stone- : de yols ' — MS. score of an or the liquor after a hard day’s hunti ut it’s very nice and affe le of His Grace, whether he is His Grace before or after meals, and the “indefatigable” and “‘ un ” Arynep E. T. must be highly delighted. That he will end his indefatigable and introduced to H.R H. the made Lord Chamberlain, Master of the Plays, and President of the Royal College of Music, may be as little less than a certainty. The Duke and Mowsrary Morris are responsible for the first volume ; and, of course, in a general way, so is always the Indefati- gable and Unflinching One. The i transition from ‘‘ We” to “ar” gives a unflinching career by being Watxs, sued to a Peerage Buckhounds, Licenser of reality to the narrative; and the explanation as to why has been substituted for the plural comes late, but is naive as it is satisfac ,€ ially to the uninitiated reader, who is ignorant as to which “1” o; the many cxntribating Egee is sire ing him. The ‘‘ unflinching and indefatigable ” no doubt, had plenty todo. The pace was too good for him now then ; and here w evidently something that compen the wery Aisa So “Now any sporteman, of average intelligence, who thi is, dare say, come to the conctusion that an hour after hounds have left « cover any hounds left, if they were hunting a fox, will have rattled him out 0 covert, and no longer be there,—”’ : | And just above this, on the same page, is another variety of _ 3 — ee

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worked clearly lich he | Novemper 28, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 257 classic Badminton mixture. The Indefatigable One had had a hard day of it, he was nodding on his Pegasus, and this passed him with- out his seeing it :— “In the first place, it was as regards going away that which I have above written as the prevailing system now.”’ But besides these gems in a Ducal Coronet, this first volume is fall of good things, racy old sporting anecdotes, valuable information, amusing remarks on Sportsemen’s troubles, and some interesting chapters on Stag and Otter hunting. we eee. Srvurezss and J. Cuartron have done some spirited illustrations, and there are two or three by an Artist whose signature is A. B.,” which, for ‘‘ go,” are equal to anything in the book ; bat, oddly enough, in the picture of huntsman leaping, there is a signal instance of ‘thrusting the feet forward,” which is singled out for reprobation by the Ducal writer at page 203. His Grace, like H. R. H., can evidently take a line of his own; not easy to follow him here. The illustrations outside suggest good sport for the readers, as the covers are not drawn blank, Un the whole, a very promising series. We shall next take a dip into Vole. II. and III, among the Anglers. The Three Jolly Badminton Boys ought to have begun with the Fish, and then gone to the Meets, But they haven’t, and so we take the goods the Duke & Co. provide. ROBERT VERSUS ROBERTS. H, well, things is coming to a pretty pass with some on us, things is. There seems for to be a newrace of in- quiring minds a springing up, as goes about a finding out all the most secret- est of secrets, and the most delycatest of fax, and the most honner- ablest of hun- derstandings, and then re- weals ’em all to a grinni ereverent lie for the small charge of a nny! Where fs to stop I’m sure as 1 don’t no, tho I don’t see as how it can go much farder than it has jest gone. How our and kind em- ployer Mr. Ro- BERTS — please notice the hex- tra hess—could Suttenly not, for, as the Poet says, ‘‘ It isn’t his nature to.” As regards the question of waste of Wittels, I’ve nothink to say to such rubbish. It isn’t in my line, and [leaves it to themashasstrongerstum- mocks, than an Hed Waiter. if toy are a going to make Dainty Dishes out of Refuse, a blo will be struck at Igh Living at which the werry poofouncent Chef may well tremble. But | now turns with a si to my own speshal greevances. There appears in the Article which 1 am noticing both in sorrow and in anger, the following liebellyous line, all in cappital letters by itself : “Rosert Deivxs THE HALr-BoTTiEs.” As | call Gio ofhes de p han 1 ee ie Ole font ees, | Get would go tomy Loryer a haction, an wen r. onsré near the Old Baley, who told me that haction woodn’t lie. » but to speak the onest truth, when he larfed and said, my good i lenty of customers, not so werry bad _ sdiee te wen he’s quite past work. Mr. KR. winds up his rayther dear Ropert you are too good for this world, and he sent me away much ~~) pee But how satisfactory it is to be thoroly aprecihated Well now then, let any gent who nose what an Hed Waiter is, how by slow degrees he rises from po rearey o 2 mse to the dubble refined lucksury of a , let such a Gent try and poe such a Waiter condysending to drink ptishusly a stale harf bottle of meer common Beer! Why the thing s not only a hinsult but a hartless one, and | feels it deeply. An ocasional glassortooof one of my favrit brands of Champane is of coarse quite Hotrer Shows, as the French says, and I am pleased to hobserve as how as that Mr. Roperts rek the fareness of the erangement. myself anes omate® ome hawful omg for oo hey y of refin’d tastes and delly ite, than for to i hevenin amid the most Seas Otihycasaye thet Hart or Natur a duce, and to be xpected to be content with meer wu Mutton and Beer! Brown, who's a bit of a Skoller, says that life of Tan- taylus would be nothink to it. I bleeves as he was —_ Waiter who was allus a longing for what he couldn’t get, pore ellar ! Having disposed of one matter to my own entire sattisfacshun, I now turns with summat of a tremble to another werry dellycate subject. The rude and cross Questioner calls it tipping, me Mr. Nenente—o ee as regards egsperience, Ropert and Rosexts! —calls it ginerosity. But when m pertner pean Sate detales he gits jest a little mixt. For instance, he says if a waiter serves a dinner for 12, thorowly well, five sh isn’t too much for him. Well I shoud think not indeed, five s fippence a peace. Why I nose a sillyb looks for a shilling a head ond ones alias it was amost too bad of Mr. R. to menshun this little infurmity of pore human natur—but the fact is so; them as ain’t ginerous is ner- wous and wunders what we shall think of ’em, and awoides our eye like a gilty thing as they goes n their unholy pockets. But wot a ecly orful state of gs he reweals in the low Choppouses in condescending to receeve a Chop or Stake for the himpeeuneous It seams however as the Cooks has struck and run the price hup to Segpenes. Mr. R. says this is like the tite increesing by wot it feeds on. I never seed one of these bel fine imens my- self. Wota werry welcome gest he wood be at the shilling Ordinary neer Newgate! There is one house tho’ as is quite after my own Art as described by him, where ewery customer is xpected to 3d. to the carver as wheels round the jints, 3d. to the waiter as brings the dishes, 3d. to the hed waiter as brings the Bill, and 3d. for the table money. That’s reely sumthink amost subblime, and if t has a plaice for a Hed Waiter to mere a expressin the bold opinion that there will always be what he vagther indelltoately calls “ tipps,” until the Millenium cums, witch I umbly is a long ways off, witch I takes the libberty of adding, and I speaks with a long and waried experience, no, not even then, unless you so changes human natur as to do away with grattitood, and to do away with ginerosity, and to do away with hungry waiters and with stingy masters. GREEK MEETS GREEK. ** Wovrp you have shut up Socrates?” asked Lord Corznrpex of Dr. Rurwerrorp, one of the witnesses in the Weldon case, last week who cautiously answered ‘‘Idon’t know.” But would, or could Lord Cotrriper, himself, have *‘ shut We ed We venture to think that he could not, evenif he thoroughly mastered the So- oat method. m4 some yy : E oe yr - a one striking instance RATES ut up by only person who out shut him up thoroughly well, and that was his wile. It is recorded in the idiomatic “Apyo dialect which characterises the celebrated Aiadeyot KopSarlo. K. 3. ‘© M) Bnp,”” ved Zwxpdrns, “ wats Acre Tame Ohun Tovrre.” “Toye tobn KAvBay xupoue oxpevd!” «pide RavOlwre, “ Noribwarr, Badu |'' Zo ZavOinwn 136 Boirs dv drop Awnpdrys. “Hber Beyarre dpyv, Bur fpotvd luced@ fores OruwBi ZavOlren. Lo h Berinys cedord Bidar Ope BiBpeuaiv. ZAcixls Zwxpdrns. The expression ‘ fo:Aes brvef:”’ will recall the to most of our readers. No doubt Lord Cotgniper had this in his mind, when he asked Dr. Rormexronrp if he would have “ shut up Socuzares,” A Horrible Idea! (To the Clerk of the. Works at the British Museum.) Writ! pison the pi ! O shame! hear the cries on ’em ! Poor pison’d pigeons! suppose they ’d made pies on ’em! le i Ss la ia aaa ss CR OTT eT ey Fe ae incl eee

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me (The eminent Publishers, Grabham and Sharpe, call on their favourite Novelist, Netherclift, about a new Serial.) Grabham, *‘Uvioa, Saarnrz! I say! wHat Luxvrgiovs Rooms! anp a Maw Servant in Livery, sy Jingo! WarlI waven’t Sharpe. ‘‘ Yas, convounp 1T! So rH/s 18 WHERE ALL ovR Prorits co To!” GOT BETTER wYssLr/” SIC VOS NON NOBIS. THE BATTLE OF THE FROGS AND MICE. Tue strenuous toils of mimic Mars I write, The springs of contest and the fields of fight; How Liberal Mice advanced with warlike And battled with the crosking Tory race. No louder shindy shook Olympus’ towers, When earth-born Titans smote the i powers. Their mighty deeds demand a mighty song, So wake, recording Muse, and cut along ! —_ ~ o’er the flats that crown the reedy shore The embattled hosts contend, as oft before, For right of rule supreme o'er field and marsh. Now to the champions of the croakers harsh, Now to the nibbling race’s heroes tall, The fight inelineth and the honours fall. The Mice most often, such are Jove’s decrees, Win in the wars, and dominate with ease Pelusia’s far-reaching flats and fens. But ~ a! the ways of Mice are much like en's— High confidence inspired by long success Oft in its turn engenders carelessness, Division prompts, indiscipline instils, ~~, croppers dire, and ends in nasty s. So with the furry phalanxes arrayed By great Percuarrax ; broken and betrayed By i ronee ; cross and vacillating ° In vain their valour and in vain his skill. Great i a om of the froggy host, High-swollen chief, and Frogdom’s youthful Pert Putypnonvs, bactrian renowned For boastful speech and turbulence of sound, These, ’vantaged by wide yariance ’midst their f Contrived thete fall, and to their places rose. Boaes universal Mousedom at the sleight, roused its hosts and ranged its ranks for ht. Not long, they ewore, the crouking rac should Dneeinitedin ad denet dei ru: "s ‘ 4 o e House, ery Mars in combat a Mouse, His actions brisk, robust his well-knit frame, Ty 3. singled frees the fe Eerewes, is warrior ting crow Boasts the dire honours of his arms = tee Then strutting near the lake with looks elate, Threats all its nations with im ing fate. Him Potyrnoyovs marks and loud defies, The fire of t in his uberant eyes. Well these a of the reedy This one the nimbler, and the stouter that. Seater a ’ and brie!l, With tender CaLamInrutvs counters blows = keen than ponderous, CaLaMINTHIUS nows meer rules, and views with scornfal Protagonists of the ‘‘ big and bouncing” style. The goggle-eyed Caaveasipes croaks out Defiance at AnrorHacvus the stout, Bland burly chief whose bludgeon-blows beat down The a proddings of the Frog whose rown, Glassy and grim, Medusa’s horror apes, Yet wakens laughter and gives birth to japes. ‘ The brave Licuenor, of the impassive face, Fronts loud Hrrstsoas, he who pushed from ace Mild Cataminrutvs, and usurped his post As honoured Captain of the hopping host. Nor these alone, but many a hundred more Of Frogs and Mice throng to the rushy shore, Intent on crowning onset. Even he, Hole-seeking TroeLopyrTes, ever free At flouting his Mouse-fellows, follows now Their lifted standard with unfaltering brow. But now the t PstcHarpax shone afar, A venerable chief well versed in war. Long time the warrior in his tent abode, Like great Achilles, silent. Now he strode Swift to the front of battle, and upbore The banner oft to victory borne before. The lesser chiefs may babble, and may boast, He, A ome may lead the whole Mouse- The black-furr’d hero, Menrpanrax, shakes A Gontuing spear, but second place he es - To proud Fsrcuarrax, whose prodigious stroke (aaROR 403/P") No froggy champion ever foiled or broke.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—NovempBer 2 \ ‘ No | YQ ‘ TULL hi had CL ~ THE BATTLE OF THE FROGS AND MICE. (After Homer.) | ra) || SO eee Oe ea ne eee ea

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Novempgr 28, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. This saw Petonares, and from the flood | Raised with both hands a monstrous mass of mud ; The cloud obscene o’er all the warrior flies, Dishonours his pale face and clouds his eyes. Indignant, fiercely sputtering, from the shore A stone, immense of size, the warrior bore, A load for labouring earth, whose bulk to raise, Asks ten degenerate Mice of lesser days ; Fall on the leg descends the crashing wound, The Frog, supportless, writhes upon the ground, Face-cleared Pstcnarpax holds his conquering course, And takes the headship of the furry force ; Whilst in the vanguard of the froggy bands, Haughty, high-shouldered PuysicnatTuvs stands. Now front to front the serried armies frown. Shall Frogdom perish, or shall Mousedom drown ? The Chiefs, conspicuous seen and heard afar, | Give the loud sign to loose the rushing war. Here halt, O Muse, nor venture to divine | Which way Jove’s golden balance shall incline! | ALL MY EYE ART. | Waat shall he do who cometh after the Rus-Kin ? Something novel | and original, and Professor HerkOmer is evidently going to do it. In his first Oxford lecture, last week, he said :—‘* Art is the result of seeing with a privileged mind through the trained eye.” He alludes Professor Henkémenr, A.R.A., giving a practical illustration of Local louring. to Eye Art. Had Hamlet a“ privileged mind ” when he saw with its eye his father’s ghost? What is a ‘privileged mind”? How is an eye ‘trained’ ? Byrunning it alongaline? By always — ~ the pupils under the lash, and by invariably ‘‘ letting the Eyes have it?” The New Comer, the Herkomer, answer these queries in his next lecture. He announced his intention of ‘‘ painting heads in the presence of his audience.” Whose heads? The Heads of the Colleges? This will be most amusing. And what capital fun about Pantomime time! There will be a great rush to see the various heads of his lecture being painted. Of course he will draw them first with a Slade Pencil ? SONG AND SUGGESTION. Sienor Tosti’s new Song, advertised with the title, ‘‘ The Love that eame too Late,” suggests the question, “ Tco late—for what ? Dinner Y—Supper ? ” “The soup is gone, the fish is cold, | At least this at the door was told Alas! we could not wait!” The Love that came too late! Just the very name for a song-poet. ss THE RIGHTS OF IT. Interior of a Suburban Railway Carriage. Various Well- Informed Persons discovered deep in the ‘‘ Continental Intelligence” of their respective daily papers. First Well- Informed Person (putti affair, this Servian and Bulgarian knows which side to take. Second Well-Informed Person (with ite be oe *s just it. I’ll be hanged if one can make out what it’s all a eee.) I suppose though the Serbs have a case against this fellow, Prince ALEXANDER ? Third Well-Informed Person (emphatically). Not @ bit of it. That ’s just what they haven't got. It’s all the other way No; it’s King Mrtaw who is the aggressor. He has started the whole business for dynastic purposes, and as for the people, they don't care twopenee ee? about the quarrel. First Well-Informed Person, That’s just what strikes me. But what are they ting for, then ? Second Well-Informed Person. Oh, it’s clear enough why they are fighting. It’s because the Conference took such a time interfering, and let the tension get too great, They were bound, you know, to fight if nobody intervened. Third Well-Informed Person. No, that’s not it. Who, I should like to know, could have intervened ? Not the Three Emperors : nor France, nor Italy, nor could we. The Conference, too, didn’t meet to take cognizance of this business. Their concern was simply with the Roumelian Question. Turkey is the proper Power to intervene,— that is to say, if it ean. First Well- Informed Person, That's just what I think. But why can’t Turkey intervene ? Second Well-Informed Person. Surely that’s obvious enoug! . Why, it’s afraid of Russia, of course. The Bulgarian Question is the Russian Question. Everybody knows that. Third Well-Informed Person, No, | beg your pardon. Austria is the Power that is most interested in what is going on at the nt moment in the Balkans. The Bulgarian Question is really the Austrian Question. That’s quite clear. Why, it is Austria that has egged on King Mray, That’s why he attacked Bulgaria. First Well-Informed Person. Exactly. That is what Il say. He attacked it to restore the status quo ante. Second Weill-Informed Person. Just so. But why does Servia want to restore it? That’s what I can’t make out. Third Well-Informed Person, Plain enough. Servia wants to restore the status quo ante, because she means to go in for fighting at any price. That’s what all the row is about. First Well-Informed Person, 80 I thought. But still I can’t make out why she should want to fight. Second Well-Informed Person. Well, yes. It is a very: puzzling question. I suppose, though, SaLispury knows the ins and outs of it. Third Well-Informed Person, Satispuxy? No—not he—no, nor anybody else! [ Left, together with First and Second Well-Informed Persons, groping about in a fog. down ). Ham—puzzling cee a really scarcely THE UNAUTHORISED VERSION, (From Lord R, Churchill to Messrs, Routledge.) My Speeches in one vol, for publication ! “TIT! Knew!” Never! You hadn’t got my approbation, You’ll rue it! RovtLeper, you’re under some Hal- Lucy-nation | Don’t do it! (From Messrs. Routledge to Lord Randolph.) The publication was a risk, a bold ’un. Your speeches, silvern; but your silence, golden. It is, you will admit, your special glory To be the type of Democratic Tory. Now—absit omen for your future We break the type up. Lo! it disappears. = ¢ ‘ie Mr. Routledge, in a Luey’d interyal, smashes the type of the Democratic ‘Tory Leader. This is tive ; and we make Mr. WeaTHERLY a t of it. What ble disposition i sugrested by the name of A Wortny Parm.—Mr. Cmawpertarn says that Mr. Bontno, of Wearnentr, Like the iemortal Mr. ‘RTER Mianvs, he must Walthamstow, who tried to make him out 4 vist and a contri- afford his friends considerable amusement--his songs give them a|butor to the Fortnightly Review before it existed, is over-bearing, gat oon of pee coming oat at different one as Bad ast that fs Re is pest wen a Ag Rae ea! Good eather! eatherly, Strange Weather! 'urnabou trying screw old Weatherly, Horrible Weatherly—but there's no end to it.| ‘kick up hind and afore”—and let’ Mr. W. T, Manntorr have it

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemsen 28, 1885. ns A BALLAD IN POSSE. (As Sung by Hodge, and Dedicated to Mr. Jesse Collings, ) Tuer ’ve raised my wages half-a-crown,— But what’s the use of that ? Here’s twice the price for Pecey’s gown, The same for my new hat. Then cheese and butter risen too And bread gone up as well. Come, what ’s a chap like me to do? Ah! who on earth can tell ? I only knows [’ ve got it hot !— 5 Fair Trade, Fair Trade,—I love thee not ! Protective tariffs, so they said, Would see my troubles o’er. But all they ’ve done’s to bring instead The wolf inside my door. ** Protective tariffs’ won't go down With empty plate and cup. What good’s a rise of half-a-crown When prices all go up? ** Protective tariffs?’? No,—they’re rot! Fair Trade, Fair Trade,—I love thee not! | THE MAN FOR THE PLACE. aT -G oa | Amone the various questions asked in the House of il }| Yh, Commons—that’s the place for ‘‘ heckling” during the ‘uyi){ ae | Session—arose from time to time inquiries, put to the aad te a’ | late ATrorwEY-GENERAL, as to the distinction between f Bi | “* contentious” and “‘ non-contentious business” in con- | | ‘| | nection with his office. } i} The mt ATTORNEY-GENERAL seems desirous to | HH) #1 unde e the *‘ contentious business” department ; for at Burton-on-Trent, on being rudely interrupted at a i | a Conservative Meeting, Sir Ricaaxp Wesster informed one of them i pha i] ee ee the unmannerly persons that, if an —— would come outside the Hall, ‘* he would accommodate ) = al | ot, him” for ten minutes. ‘“‘The First Law Officer of the + eel Crown” is an excellent title for a gentleman so ready to eal punchanob. Dash his wig, but he is clearly the very man for “‘ contentious business,” and knows how to take the law, literally, into hisewn hands. We shouldn’t like to oppose the Attorney. What! fight Wensrer! No! “ on Walker! Get our heads in Chancery? No thank you RIDICULOUS! —we prefer ‘* Crown Cases Reserved.” Ethel (who really thinks she must clean some of her old Gloves this Winter, times are so bad). *‘Do vou sett Kiw-Revivers!” ““ Hatr-Hovurs wira a Naturazist.” — Good book. Chemist, ‘‘ Ya—ves, M'm. I THINK You 'LL Finp ‘Mas. Gommipor’s IsvANT/ Reasonable time. Title to match. Half-minutes witha CornpisL’ A MOST EXCEL——”" (Confusion. | M etaphysician. " . . tering hi istent for ith ki tive, he, we are HECKLING A HECKLER. told, “amid much excitement, admitted this was trae.” Which Tat @ fool may ask more questions than a wise man can answer | *™0unts, at most, to “taking his punishment like a man. we already pe old, a excellent authority. But it seems | Smasher No. 3! The three rounds on this merry mill, Labourer that, when the foolish questioner is himself questioned by a wiser | /{ rman, Wet Ally ter tne an tayo ely ckcwead”” No wonder! a armeeee pe cout ways, as the Americans sey, ‘make much | If this is the way in which the New Raral Voter sets to work, A Cencervative farmer et Shrewston, we are told, lately put Sir long-despised Hope will ‘‘ make some of them sit up,” before long. Tuomas Gnoves, the Candidate for the Wilton, Division ot Wilt, . igh his facings with a series of questions. one urn §=©Communicatep.—A School-bored Boy writes, indignantly, to know another ; so, when he had finished his catechism, up jumps | why h lucked f Examination, when he answered every a labourer—like his newly-enfranchised impudence !—and asks to be onodin right, -- - fally this —" abont the Heres, which he was asked allowed to question the farmer. This is something like the flock | to describe. ‘‘ This is the way I did it, and showed ’em I knew what 4 preaching to the pastor, the pews reading homilies to the pulpit. | Cow was as well,” says our School-bored Boy :— And the labourer’s questions seem to have n smashers. |_ “The Horse is 2 noble creature, and so is the Cow: he gives us milk and The farmer had expressed an nion that ‘the labourer would | has four legs, one at each corner, and a tail in the middle, and horns at the be better paid if corn were " Cuaptix, Lowrnen, & Co., | other end; but not the Horse. If you hit him he won’t do it again. He e with him, and ae inspired him. | only kicks at the back. The End.” —e ay rot did em anit it six | And the School-bored Boy was plucked for this!! Too bad. ’ ving| ‘Stock 4 Bur Basr.”—See an article, with this heading in last week’s number. .. “> Moe ae i number of — protesting against ‘the infant,” 5S. Cronmire’s, being member of ‘‘ The House.” No children are admitted: and no member of the Stock Exchange is permitted, by the rules, to advertise. Mrz. Powcn has received “a Presentation Cartoon from nage It is drawn by Pur May, and certainly May has e to fill with some excellent likenesses, though Mr. P joean’t “to have come out very well.” H promise y” has been most satisfactorily

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eA a se aAeae a ePoa = —_—— Novemper 28, 1885.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 263 INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 26. — : = —— — “a — 2 A At) i, m4 AIN 30 THE REFORM CLUB. it out ? 4. Have Tue subjoined list of a to be asked of Lodgers and Persons claiming to vote under (or onal to be) found in the very latest ‘‘ Manual for the use of Revising Barristers ” :— 1. In your present situation are you allowed a whole latch-key all to yourself, or do you go shares with somebody else? said to ‘‘ hold the key of the situation ?” 2. Does your employer invariably know you’re out, when you are 3. Have you, as occupant of your room, power to wipe your feet on | When seeki Rabe ngs bre | ll? tear tack Seen pone te “ employer’s gentleman down several fli : 5 ‘ what maker’s blacking you use. the bolt of your bedroom on the inside or outside of the door? | the lover, and the poet, Are of AN UN-SERVICE-ABLE FRANCHISE. “ Service Clauses” of the Reform Act, is lowing :— Who may be t, or merely to make use of the outside scraper? ou ever any washing, and if so, who pays for it? nie our rights, as tenant of a “‘top-| his sta usiness premises, to throw ights of stairs if he objected to your keep- yeerine in your apartment ? wed one inch, or two inches, of candle boots in your employ, or your and yee tech your Is t Is your employer in the constant habit of putting total strangers imagination bed without asking your consent, or giving you the slightest him" compact way what is your your | fine frenzy rolling.” Strange perhaps to when you selliath aumeseeh ot ondedant F | supply no confirmation | tower,” to which, it a in the Roy that | certainly thoughtful of the Co yourself, state | Lunacy, it appears | ably apt to go out FREE AS AIR. Borough. admittance, do you give a loud and lordly rap at the | right of crossing over the grass? Or it may yp oyhent ‘relief from undue detention within the Cases for Colney-Hatch. From returns in a recently-published Blue-Book on the subject of of thee male ne Goll Engineers," The lunatio, mind are : 2 all compact ; wo ” with the sock, tend 0 an sp ny the statistics of insanity to the saying, ‘‘ As mad as a hatter.” , that among prof: overwrought by the oay, Amone the Court announcements the other day appeared the ful- ‘The freedom of Windsor will, it is understood, be presented to Prince Hznry by the Corporation.” The question naturally arises, in what does the ‘‘ freedom” of Windsor consist, and how will Prince Hewny be able to enjoy it? Does it mean a gift of Windsor soap, or the Windsor uniform? Or does it merely imply that the Prince will have the privilege of walking about Windsor where he li kind of isolated ** Windsor stroller” ? Perhaps his ‘‘ freedom” may pass him to the State Apartments on closed days, or give him the bly involve some s of the “ Augusta his Highness has been consigned during | this is the case, it has been presentation of a ikes, as a rendering

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Novemper 28, 1885, ESSENCE OF MIDLOTHIANISM. Exrractep rrom THe Diary or W. E. Grapstonz, M P. Aven’ had time to write my Diary up from day to Must jot recollec- tions of the fort- night. A pleas- ant journey up. Made a_e few speeches at the stations, but did it in moderation. Made up the ave- rage on arriving at Edinburgh. Last time drove straight off to Dalmeny. But now got in pretty long speech im- mediately upon arrival at Edin- burgh. Rather nervous at first. Couldn’t get figure of Grand Cross cut of mind. Exceed- ingly thoughtless of him to say what he did at the particular epoch he uttered it. “I wonder,” said he, ** what Mr. GLApstoNnE is going to say in Midlothian, be- cause I am ready | to answer him.” That would have been enough to upset altogether | a speaker lees practised than myself. In mind's eye all the time I was speaking, | there was Grand Cxuoss's spectacled face, with his head cocked a little on one side | like contemplative sparrow listening to every word and ready to answer it. | Shook me a bit, I own, especially at first speech. Partly got over it, with practice ; but trust Cross won’t do it again. Wednesday, 11th.—Spoke in Free Assembly Hall this afternoon. Discourse on Disestablishment. Hall crowded partly with grim Dissenters wanting to hear me declare for Disestablishment, ly with determined Churchmen prepared to go over to the enemy if I did, and then Grand Cxoss always at my elbow ready to answer me, whatever I say. What cana man do? Necessary that I should speak for an hour. Equally necessary that I should say nothing. Can I do that? I'll try. . . . . Have tried, and think 1 succeeded pretty well. Audience cheered all through. A little hitch once when I spoke of Church Question not being at the door, but at the end of along vista. Disestablishment men growled. But if I’d said the reverse—question at doors not at the end of a long vista—Churchmen would have growled. So it comes to the same thing. Explained that when I said question at the end of long vista, meant it only in a Pickwickian sense and immediately changed the subject. This seemed satis- factory, for they cheered again, and things amicably arran themselves. Faney | took the right line, walking exactly in the middle of the road, leaning neither towards Establishment or Disestablishment. Thursday, 12th.—Here’s the papers. Let’s see what they say. Fancy they ’ll descant on the skill and dexterity with which I avoided difficulties. | know how it will run :—‘' Mr. Grapstowsr had a most diflicult task to perform at Edinburgh yesterday. Hurried, on the one hand, into a precipitate declaration in favour of Disestablishment ; held back, on the other, by an influential party who threaten to throw their vote into the Conservative Ballot-box if he encourages the hopes of the Free Churchmen ; the Right Hon. Gentleman steered a middle course, happily escaping alike the Scylla of Disestablishment and the Charybdis of the Church.” That’s the sort of thing, especially Scylla and Charybdis. I have known them in all circumstances more than fifty years of newspaper reading. [ Opens batch of newspapers and reads.| Halloa! What ’s this? Both sides down upon me. “ Mr. Gtaperown has put a heav strain upon the fidelity of the Liberal Party in Seotland,”’ oor the Free Chure “It is all well for Mr. Guapstone,” say the Church papers, ** to te that Disestablishment is not a question for the new Parliament. How can he guerantee that. and what pledge does he give that the new Parliament may not be dissolved in twelve months’, a new Parliament summoned, and Disestablishment carried with a rush?” [Throws down papers.| Pretty hard lines these. Thought I would please everybody, and instead seem to have riled every- body. Grand Cross will make a nice thing out of this, Shall go out and cut down one of Roseseny’s trees. Sunday Morning, 22nd.—Here endeth the Fourth Campaign. Spoke on Tuesday and again last night. Enthusiastic audiences. Seem to have got over difficulty about Disestablishment. Are quarrelling among them- selves and leave me alone, which is pleasant. It’s hard work this battling with prejudices. onder how Satis- pury likes it. Ranpotpm doesn’t mind. There’s a lightheartedness about that youth that enables him to meet successive days and varying circumstances with an entirely new manner. What he said yesterday has no controlling influences over what he may say to-day, sti'l less to-morrow. But the Markiss is a serious man and must feel the peculiar circumstances of his situation. Wonder if he really believes he has any chance of being kept in Office. Suppose he hardly can. Within a month I shall be Prime Minister again, and all the old familiar toil will weigh me down once more. How long will it last? Well, a year at least, and then I'll think it over again. Sometimes not quite sure that I shall not exceed PaLmErstTon’s record, and I’m a good many years off that. In the meantime here’s the Fourth Midlothian Campaign over, and I am feeling as jolly as a sandboy— though what are the precise pursuits of a sandboy, and why they should conduce to excessive jollity of manner, I cannot conceive. Must inquire into that. Knowledge might be useful some day. Now’s Grand Cxross’s chance. He hasn’t answered me yet, but he’s been listening attentively, and I suppose before the weck’s out I shall be erushed. A FLYING VISIT. Tue Cavendish Rooms. If names go for anything, this ought to be the place for a smoking-concert—an idea we suggest to Mr. Broce Wip- BROOK, whose entertainment here last Wed- nesday delight- ed a crowded audience. Imi- tations of In- VING are over- done, and are better left un- done, but Mr. WILDBROOK's was so well done that it was one of the dishes most relished by his patrons. He ought to suc- ceed with Ma- tinées about Christmas- time. There are not many popular entertainment com- petitors in the field; and if they are in the field at winter-time, they will be ‘‘ out in the cold,” which won't affect a Wild Brook, unless there’s a tremendous frost. We wish him piping times in the Cavendish and this must be taken, of course, as a puff. 4s Lv f ee el SS PR's CAVENDISH AND Brrp's-Eyrrz. Piping Bullfinch. ‘‘ Wonder if smoking ’s he allowed?” Rovutixeper's Pocket Lisrary.— We ’ve only just come across one of these volumes, and seeing it was intend for carrying in the pocket, we at onee pocketed it. Any- one calling at the establishment of Groner RovuTLEDer aND Sons can become possessed of a similar volume in one of three ways: (1) by asking for it, and it being given him as a present; (2) by adapting it to his own et whes neit ne Cannes Revriaies or any pe Daed ~ — ooking ; (3) by simply—very y—paying fori third volume, just out, is Toots Comie Poon We have not seen preceding volumes, but if like this in and binding, they can’t be bettered. We hope the frm has sent a Christmas Copy to Lord Rawpotru. His Lord- ship might select, for recital, ‘ I’m going to Bombay. €@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by @ Stamved and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novemazr 28, 1885. sauy & NAVY SCOTCH en” rue Finest OF ALL scoTcu ED, «is per Doggn Case ; 214. per Gallon ; Carriage paid go Any Railway Suen onder through gour Wine Merchant, or ARCHD. oo EDINKURGH. EerascisneD € Cheques crossed Roya! Bank of Scotland, PRIZE MEDAL WHISKY of the CORK Dio TILLERLES CO., LIMITED. QiX PRIZE MEDALS FOR IRISH WHISKY. Fiest Prise Medul, Philadelphia, 1876 , Gold Medal, Paris, 1873; First Prize Medat, bydney, 1879 ; Medais, Cork, 1603. “VERY f fine, full flavor 2 and ood Spirit. "—Jurors’ Saeed, 5S Centen +r Exhibition, } “YNQUESTION ABLY as as Ane imen as one could wish Jur ae Award, Cork Exhibition, 1883. THis FINE tart ete we einis Dealers, ama i ppl wholes ole sale merchants in A... 1, COR Buse Imported direet from the Plaa- tations ; 4 that name, know p.oduce Son wea ha repetation is world-wide fine aroma. bouquet and extreme age. Bold only ts in m sonaee bottles with od cupsules. 01 Grocers and, Wine Merchants ery where, Sond CHRISTIE'S, 25, Milto# Bt.; B.C. ROSES Wellrooted, many shooted, truly named, of matured Vgoreus growth, and of the best kinds. Bushes, S| %.per doz., 60s. per 100, Standards, 15s. per doz., is, per 100. Packing and Carriage Free for Cash with Order. TEESE WORLD- FAMED ROSES. CANNOT FAIL. 1o GIVE rue GREATEST SATISFACTION, DESCRIPTIVE Liege’ bosses free repplication —_ Pd > po Fert ee to See por doa), nik Fie ire angie ed RICHARD SMITH & CO, WORCESTER. THE BEST BLACK INK KNOWN— ORAPER’S INK RofC). VEEN THIS INK. 18 USED WRITING dag lf ay PLEASUR May be | from all prt fo my PATDES & £8, 28 pF pai, Sqrare, 2.0. BEWLEY & DRAPER, | Dublin. HICUE AWART) IQR ivy EXHIB" nate = ot foe sf ‘the FROM ENGLAND TO SYDNEY ON BOARD THE “SAMUEL PLIMSOLL.” “DEAR Srx,—I have just received a letter from my suche, Assistant-Ma she says :-—‘ I winter has, tried come out here. don’t forget to bring some ‘Who sailed for Sydney last April, as tron of the Samitel Plimsoll, in which am sorry itideed, dad, to hear how the — Make up your mind, and ou will N O's FRUiT BALT. It was the only cure on board for sef-sickness, I rave it nearly all away to those who were ill, Which seemed to revive them, and they soon =| under its 800 Se? faithfully, Tr MwA ~ S.E, RARIIOR. rxamine such Bottle, and on by aw n to rally thing influence.’—I am, dear Bir, yours UTH, 6, Asylum Road, Old Kent Road, Mr. J. C. Exo.” the Cap: imita How to is marked “ENO'S FRUIT BAL.” Without ~g by. all Chemists. Directions in Sixteen event Disease vis | Prepared only at Eno’s Fruit Salt Works, Hatcham, London, S.E., by J. C, End's Patent, Possesting All the Propertiés of the Finest Arrowrbot, BROWN & POLSON'S CORN FLOUR Is & Household Requisite of Constant Utility. Beer ears er 4 aeist os nda, ng fictitious claims, being cupetiod with Brows & Potson’s Cony Fioge. ing offered for the sake of extra profit, STERLING SILVER. ELECTRO SILVER. TABLE KNIVES. SPOONS AND FORKS. WHOLESALE PRICES. CATALOGUES FREE. MAPPIN & WEBB, MANUFACTURERS, POULTRY, CITY (Mansion-House Buildings) ; and OXFORD ST, W.; LONDON. | a Mua BAMUEL BROTHERS respectfally invite @pplications 4 PATTERNS their NEW ate. ILLUSTRATED PRICE LIST, con- taining 250 En- gravings, illustra- ting the most becoming and fashionable style of Costume for th wear of Gentls men, Youths, Boy “Eton” Suit, and jadies. SAMUEL BROTHERS, MEKCHANT JAILOMKS, OUTFITIEKS, re 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, LonpDon, E.G, Food. SMITHS eevee LIVE: ‘LONG at CAN The Soni 3 i , Be careful to buy only in ane | SHENSTONE (late Suite & Saepstow®), Ma.ufacturing ( hemist, bade tee M E L Lo RS VIANUFACT FRY'S P SOLUBLE Prepared by a new and URE. on special scientific process. : (CHRISTMAS gat, COD LIVER OIL “Is as asteless as Cod-Liver Oi) can be.” ee “No nauseous tions follow after it 8 swallowed,” — Medica’ Press. a be home, BAA digested y the te ; oi which does mys ” ene reasons the Bie oscove ti in use, In cap- 4, 246, 4/9, & 9/-. pv as Walt Extract to Cod-Liver Grrteny powerful aia aid to digestion. ; as MORTLOOK's GHINA ANd GLASS SERVICES, as supplied to 2.2. THE QUIEN sod the COURTS of EvRorz. LARGEST COLLECTION IN LONDON Patterns Carriage Paid. Discount 15 per Cont OXFORD ST. & ORCHARD ST., W. PRESENTS. H. MILWARD & 8008 WEST-END NEEDLE CASES, and NEW HOUSEHOLD NEEDLE CASE. May be purchased from all Vrapers. A rated: fr celebrated INDIA Y CIGARS and with . ne seaoue and fra rance, Vide G i ask Sam ples, 1 for is. "(id blame), BEWLAY & ©0., @, Graaxp, and 143, Cuxarsivs. Bet, 17%. COLD MEDALS DUBLIN, 1882. Sih JAMES: MURRAY'S FoR ACipI blisters, HEALTBURN, GRAVEL, AND ooUuT FLUID MAGNESIA peed 1682 ; goatee 1883 ; 1684, J pang on usual size. eat fon, Temple dtrect, Dublin s, ebeeee BU RBALGIA.

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Page 357

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Hydraulic Lifts, and al) modern fittings. Rooms, besides the general Dining, Drawing, Reading, Billiard, and Smoking Rooms. a fine Music Room, Lawn Tennis Cour's, La Carte or Pension Terms. The comforts of home with the freedom ‘and advantages of a first A Sumnsteill Turkish Bath. Hot, pT —= Sea-water Baths. Vapour, Shower, Needle, Wave, Sitz, Electric, and all See Gaovling to x Pulmonary, Rhenmatic, and many other har oh ing ng; Inhalation, &t. of Dr, EMOND, principal Physicion at Mont Dore, Auver@n&, Both Visitors and sa -class Coptinental Hotel. Halls for Inhalation of

Medicated Bae

consisting of Water, and i

apouy and

Mr. and Mrs. TUCKER, Manager and Manageres*

wPews SLE eLS tare Pee Fee 2S”

le oe G8 bc HO a & chee

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HOTE ONOMICAr HE KINGDd9 ROD D ILWA LITATION TURE IONS > Wigg tions Pe di i . OB application — H. 1 roughos. Yourts, Ke. Baths. 4 of Mont rr, and ior 1 Patients yeress. —_—_— December 5, 1885,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 265 TRADE-MARKS FOR WELL-KNOWN PUBLISHERS. (Designed by Dumb-Crambo Junior.) I ROBERT DECIDES HOW TO WOTE. AM a woter of the h t¢ Burrow of Sum Pancras, who, independen Baowy tells me, was the inwenter of Pancakes—wence his name. In that onerable capacity I have, for the larst three munee, been the hobjec of the constant atention of two of the most onerablest gents in all sanitory W.C. district. The numbers of the fuite deckorated wot I calls my Studdy, tho’ it’s y sik Oe Eas ee eee and kerroyet Tilteite J catts ey Fret tro —s if E f | 1 : . our distinguished werry long letters and phlets, and bils and edresses, has k all i waste aad laneroent ermusement for the hol ee wile the time, wile the and their goi on, has ony my and picters two Gents I bleeve, from his welthy name, a Ebrew, and, lsum man, xcep for a we' witch gives him the look of a man with a bootifal o.oo fo, in Eted cae. a reg ~~ un, wich is a pint as hold mutch for me; but he cums out like a reel uAidenen $0 gos in a buster for impruvin their omes, and trying to e ’em jest a little more comfur- appy, pore fellers, speshelly pore women, and, speshallest of we’ve had plenty of tork and plenty of on em, oshans on em; but a pore umbel ‘ adwice, and only one—let all lives of the werry Pore, or they ’Il all jine gether one these days to wusser the lives of the werry Rich. ut this Date is sumthink like a Swell! He sent me a ope Picter with his own face in the middle a smilin ooae es B B : : F é at urrow of Sum Pancras in pertickler, Lordable way in witch he passes his time and spends his money. Fust you sees him a pattin may of his bootiful Race Orse as is a going for to win the nex Dar i : lin | his last Tuesday. Some The nex thing es I hed from bin little book*in which I asdhaliy ood real letters trom ane . THE NEW HOUSE OF COMMONS, Una Batition. f Awrzopy, Viscount. Eldest of the Earl of Pocxernorovea. Lieutenan i Born 1864. Educated at Eton.) end Donte che Welsh Guards. Cnsareetiad Pa Sits for Pocketborough : usysoy, Benyamin. Edu Foundling Hospital. Born 1815. At the age of tens of Mesers. Money, Botuiow & Co i m uen ——_ essenger -Law to the Marquis o 1884) le oe eat Yor ren ,. a m ‘oor, and the Sch for . counties. Born 1860. Christ Church, Oxford. Author of “A Trip Round the and other Poems,” and the libretto of * Whack-de-fol the Weteran,” Comic Opera, in Three Acts. Member of the Garrick, and Junior Scribblers’ Club. Objects to the House of 8, Primogeni- ture, and the union of Church and State. Sat for Feudalborough in the last Parliament as a Now represents the same Constituency, in the Radical interest. Kosts, Cottarp. A son of the late — Kosrs, Esq., an Officer in the service of the Sheriffsof Middlesex. Born about 1836. Educated at the Bethnal Green Grammar Sehool. A Solicitor. Author of Bank- ruptcy ood 7. my torre a let (read as a pew berg the neorpora w Society) enti flections on a Proposed Pawn- brokers’ Act, Prcchout and its Uses, and the article upon “ Sixty per Cent.” in the Encyclopedia Britannica, Liberal. Objects to Vivisection, Vaccination, and the increased Licensing of Public- houses. Founder of the Paupers’ Bank and Infante’ Save-all Asso- ciation. Managing Director of the Widows’ Mite Collection Com- pany, Limited. Is unmarried. Represents Cloddington. Tunrtie, Alderman Sir Gresnrat. Born about 1820. Isamember of the firm of Tcoxtrs, Gaeenrat, Sox. and Tuntie, Importers. Has served as Sheriff and Lord — Knighted on the occasion of the Queew driving h the Victoria Park on her way to the East pa yoy ed Liberal Conservative. Is - Zz peter bey Fa 9th Administrative Battalion of pohie Ride Volunteers. Founder of the Middleshire Infirmary, the Middleshire County Hospital, and the Middleshire W: ~man’s Club. Sits for the North-by-Eastern Division of Zutirvan, Patrick, commonly called ‘‘ The Shangraun.” Born in Dublin of Irish parents, but is an Englishman. Descended from all the Irish Kings. Educated in various Government Office, owing his tment to the late Mr. Dan. OCowwztt. Is a ouppertes of Mr. Panwert. Is in favour of making Ball the Post Town Mails, subsidising the Town Couneil to enable i municipal improvements. Tried in his uncle in a duel, but acquitted on the score of extenuating cireum- stances. In favour of the Repeal of the Union. Composer of the song “‘ Here’s to the Queen!” Bits for Ballyragg. Poor Mr. Osnorwe Morcan!—We sincerely congratulate him on escape scoundrels had to linch-pin out of his carriage, but they were in time and so he wasn’t linch-pinned. The account of his Mr. Money tells to the people of ae ny oy Ruabon. ious, us! Why the name of such a place is enough to ht gracious upset a coach without 4 An out a linch-pin. AA ape Cn ll

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a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decemprr 5, 18865, ee, OUR COUNTRYWOMEN IN PARIS. (The extra Half-franc.) Aunt Jemima (Blue Ribbon’. ‘*Taxzne, Cosmay. SANKONT SONTEEMS ! porns! /" Tals Is POUR VooMAYM— Bor it’s A PoOURMANGER, YOU KNOW—NoT A Povur- THE BEMUSED VOTER. Wuat? To give you my wote and my interest ? Oh, that is what you ’ve come to get. Bless the man! why I only just got it— I ain’t going to part with it yet. ; About here they ’ve gone mad on Elections, The pub of a night is just like a fair! Half on ’em don’t know what they want, And the other half don’t really care, Daft Jzemay has now got a wote, And he went off the very first day Te sell it for three of cold gin At the “‘ Blue Anchor” over the way. Old Bueerns, who can’t or write, He’s the blacksmith just round by the store, Was given two rival " So stuck ’em both over the door ; He wants to keep in with the pair, And act fairly to Jongs and to Brown: The one he ’s hung right out of sight, The other he shows upside down. We don’t want our Church disestablished ; We’re agreed that must not come about ; For we like to go there of a Sunday, Lay our legs up and then think o’ nout. But I don’t mean to part with my wote, For my mind ain’t made up very clear. If I see you do well through the Winter, Werry like you shall have it next year! ‘On Lerrs’!”—Well, not owe Lerrs, but pay Lers —Cuartes Letts, that is—when you purchase one of his most useful annual Diaries, or account-books.— Letrs’s Books form quite an entertaining series :—The Buteher’s Book, The Baker’s Book, The Washing Book, &c. As we said, quite an entertaining series, as no one | could entertain without assistance from the above-men- | tioned tradesmen. Then the Poultry-yard Account Book, with the record of when eggs is eggs and when eggs isn't eggs eggsactly ; and a separate division headed, “ Par- ticulars of Sittings,” which at first sight looks like the account kept with the Clergyman for seats in Church. However, it has no Ecclesiastical signification, but has only to do with Hens, which may be called the Lay-ity. Toe Asanponment oF ALL aA Fam Lrricayt’s | Acrions.— Well done! | THREE SIDES OF IT, Fragments of Agricultural Evidence, I Mrs. Temple Courteney, Dame of the Primrose Le ,» writes in her Diary.—S8topped the iage on our way home to-day at Joszrn Hoper’s cottage and found him in. Gave the playthings to the children and the clothing and coal-tickets to his wife, and then began the conversation. Found him very attentive and willing to listen, and when I described the dreadful things that would follow upon the Disestablishment of the Church if the Radicals got into power, I could see that what I said went straight home to him. Then I pointed out how the dear old relations existing for centuries between the holders of the land and those who laboured it would be and I am sure he was much impressed. | ' that he might at the present moment become pport the State, and preserve society from outrage and overthrow by charlatans and adventurers. He ae E Sanat, pleasantly at this, and took it in quite intelligently was, a ces, gratified at the importance of the ré he 01 and expected to fill. 5 ee ee er lene bes several other cottages to canvass before we reached home, but I know I left him in excellent dispositions. Indeed, with confidence I we may be quite sure of counting on Josepn Hopex. may say, Il, Extract from the Note-book of Mr. John Tall-talk, Radical Agent. —Waited about a bit and finally collared that fellow, Joserx Hopes, in the tap-room of the “ Rising Sun.” Stood beer and went at him — = Gave him the history of the Landlords’ Iniquitous Rale from Magna Charta downwards in a nutshell. Explained whole coming scheme. He took to o the idea of six acres and a couple of cows, and when I promised him a new house as well he fai fairly the | if he thinks he’ll opened his eyes, Went into the Disestablishment Question, and | showed how the whole thing was rotten to the core, and how the | Parson was mixed up with the Squire in keeping things as they were | and dead against bettering his condition, and how they were both bound | to go. Then I laid it on thick about his we Ee to the country at the crisis, and I could see he liked the idea of his being of importance, for he smiled pleasantly, and took a fresh pull that pretty well emptied his mug of aie, and I ordered some more went through the points of the Birmingham catechism till I know he must have taken them in and got them all pretty well fairly by heart. So I may safely set down in my day’s work Josep Hopet as ** secured.” 111. Reflections of Joseph Hodge, Farm Labourer.—W ell, sure enough, it be coming to this, that o1 be somebody, and no mistake. Fort Squire’s Lady she be mighty civil to oi, a in’ her carriage to step in and talk foine to oi aboot the value oi be t’ State, and a whole kit more aboot votin’ agin them Radical chaps, as she says are for pullin’ Parson and Squire aboot our ears, and destroyin’ th’ old relations existin’ betwixt we and they for ever so long a time. Well, as to that, oi doan’t know that there’s much to be destroyed as 0 2 | should fret over, though oi’m not to be flummoxed wi’ the big talk of the Brummagem chap as oi meets at the tap o’ the “ Rising Sus. Six acres and a couple o’ cows and a foine new house for oi—that be all weil enough, says oi, but who’s going to foind t’ money for’t “Oot o’ Church property, sure enough, that ’ll come,” says B magem chap. ‘Tell that to your grandmother,” says 01 ; promise big enough, but when it comes to ormin’, you'll sing another tune.” So, who’s to have my vote? ‘’ Squire’s Lady, Brummagem chap’ They were both cock-sure of it, oi could se that much with half aneye. Fact is, Josepn Hope, he doan’t care much for t’ Squire’s Lady or for Brummagem chap, and he’s blessed ive his vote for either one or t’other of them. They both be foolin’ oi ; it would only serve ’em fair if oi be afte foolin’ them back again—and that ’s flat.

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— 5 — FERS Fee Qarsss : VERT = FAMILIAR FACES. Mr. Punch (Cartoonist-in-Chief). ‘‘Oa, 1 kNow atu you OLp Mopgs. I want some New ‘Caaractzer’!” FILLING UP AT PHILIPPOPOLIS. Tue difficulties that encountered the Porte in its endeavour to appoint a fitting Commissioner to represent it at Philippopolis, seem likely to have been overcome by the selection of Assim Pasna. As he appears to be so noted for his taciturnity, that it is reported that, when he was Minister for Foreign Affairs, not even an Ambassador could get more than a nod or monosyliable from him,” it may be conjectured that he will be well suited to the © post, which is one of which it could be fairly advertised that ** ing” was ‘no object.” Indeed, the less said now about the Servo-Bulgarisa busi- oe better, and Assru Pasna will be entirely in his element. appointing Rusrzem Paswa to the post, though momen- tarily entertained, has been wisely dropped, it being doubtless felt that, with such a name, too little of that diplomatic polish necessary to the effectual smoothing down of the situation, might naturally have been expected from its owner. False Notes, Youne Jox, baking up behind and before, In despite of his Old Leader, does not appear to score. What at present do you think of your plan, Jox ? You tried to lead the concert, bat you struck the chord too soon, And the voters have responded with an in ndent tune, On an instrument suggestive of the Ban-Joe ! Mem.—Mr. Grapstown’s Political Pilgrimage to Scotland may be regarded as the latest ‘‘ Expedition in search of the North Poll!’ Apvice Gratis To a Goon Harter (proffered a trifle too late).— Don't go to Bath. Comes “Wotrr” Once too Orrex.—Patting him up for Ports- mouth ! 4 eee ee hee? ee i |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decemszr 5, 1885, | —$—__ THE WIZARD’S CURSE. In the days when I was young, and very foolish, "Twas my peinfal lot lotto afer from a pimple on nose ; So I went to a Magician, who was noted at that Fer Geo ckilt walls which bo centered euch oneneesuaece oweg. He ang eee oe Api quand aeted would be a week ; Then he caught me to brashed away a starting tear And dem twenty guineas; which I thought a trifle dear. But m ia ny found Gant nay, I knows | Tht tt grew until it :Teached a quite un- reasonable size. But, whenever you most want them to retain their borrowed hues, They shall instantly revert to the tints that I’ve decreed, The effect of which, I may say, willbe curious indeed ! “ There's a mi the dread tad pent Whilst I Abracadabra Jarnibleu ! Maranatha look into it well, that constitute my spell : Mis rey ay wily oad with his rules, L 1 ceneel o my dismay that ~~ » & moustache was turning while’ my. whiskers twain, which th had some- what foxy been, Changed before my eyes azure—that is, bright ltra- marine. Panioc-stricken, as I realised the horrors of my doom, I entreated him to but he bade me room. “Take, oh, take curse away!” I sob answered, ‘* No! You must dree your weird as best you may. Good morn- ing! You may go.” When I left the wicked Sorcerer distraction tore And wped away a Txonrrs with fy ewiton the nd y, mimi exclaimed, ‘‘ what m 0 To get rid of this Maguste and this awful Prussian-Blue ?” o a ” he replied, Om extravagant delight. rae Dg promptly set you right ; . And I started at the double off to Txvxvrrv’s once again. To your beard the precious Mignid ou must thrice a day ‘ Ten-and~six is all we charge for this inestimable dye 1 Poly Kio sat I pall as meaner, octons bottle, and was . All da steeped my beard in Kallianthesistikon. eg The An! changed to or oe green became the blue— But at last moustache and whiskers re-assumed their normal hue, The relief that I experienced was thrillingly rae And I went on dyeing lavishly, re From my memory the details of the Curse kept. fading fast, And the hope that I had dodged it grew to certainty at last. Months went on, until I lost my heart to Atexawpra Brown, ’| Who had beanty and securities, besides a house in town. As one day she smiled upon me with a tenderness divine, In a spasm of affection I resolved to make her mine. I was kneeling at her feet and gazing fondly on her eyes With a comfortable feeling that I’d gained my lovely prize, When a look of ghastl on her countenance And screamed, “* ood gracious heavens! what happened to your beard ?’” ‘Tis the Wizard’s Curse!’ I stammered, ‘I am saiaeey then m. Pass it over, beauteous angel— if yes love me, do not go! But she left me with a shudder, and I pr cng be to rin feet, Breathing hideous execrations which I Then I wandered down her street, and as the corner I eae by, On a hoarding near the public-house a picture caught my eye. "Twas a ed and moustachioed face, hr whis awave, And a legend underneath, in ten-inch capitals, ‘‘ Why Shave ’” “Why nor ove ?” Ah, happy thought! It flashed like lightning through my brain, There arrived, [ shouted, ‘‘ Hither bri our razor, afro a hone, Gifted Artist, shave me ilesel—-chave tin to the very bone as Wicked Wizard, I defy you ! a anathema is n ” a yelled ** Hooroosh ! ” and ered like a High- lander distraught.) ** Let my beard and whiskers engl You forgot to y Aair!” And Tl laughed as I sank back into the operating-chair. With a face as smooth and hairless as a billiard-ball or glove I returned to ALEXANDRA— to my tender, startled dove. “They are gone!” I softly whispered. ‘‘ Wilt sowand my sacrifice ? Kiss my cheek, no longer hirsute, but , extremely sleek and nice.’ Then she tearful embraced me,fsobbing, ‘“ Thine, for ever thine! And I knew that I had won her—that her scrip would soon be mine. We were wed ; a thanks to shaving and an amply furnished purse, For the Wizard’s Malediction neither of us care a curse! ‘“ Where are you driving to?” Tue following startling advertisement appears ‘in’ the Daily Telegraph : ¥ THE CABMAN who drove a Gentleman to Redcliffe Gardens, a04 | afterwards to Warwick Place, will CALL at ——— before twelve o'clock any day, he will be REWARDED. Most assuredly we live in a brutal age. What had the Gentleman done that he ald be dri driven from pillar to post in this heartless fashion. And then some person, if possible more heartless, offers 0 sonal ths Gibaben fer bis tendinahs Surely this after the fact, and be and the Cabman indited ay Where is Beoretary.of the Bociety for the Prevents to Animals, and why does he not look into these matters oe @ oe ct eR SO Se Reaprwe Savce.—The rejection of the Ex-Postmaster-General. is

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pened to | uken so, ine!” e purse, December 5, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 269 TWO OLD FRIENDS. A rew nights ago at the Comedy Theatre I saw Erminie. It is described in the bill as a ‘* New Comic written by CLaxsow BettaMy” (in small type) ‘‘ and Harry Pavtron” (in large type) the music being ‘“* by Epwarp,Jakopowsk1,’’—whose name is printed as big as that of the second collaborateur. If size of type is a measure of importance, evidently the person, or persons, who arranged this bill did not entertain.so high an opi of Craxson BeLttamy as of Harry Pavtron. Berheps the Tonpeser himself might have observed that CLaxson was ‘‘ no great shakes.” I sincerely con, y Pavuton on being linked toa collaborateur with su t mame as CLaxson BELLAMY and, at all events, it is pronounce than that of his talented musical in the work, JakosowsxI, If this Composer be a genuine Pole Star, I trust he may have —s chance of i brighter than he does on this occasion, when he only twinkles, that without any very striking brilliancy. - I do not know from what ‘source the conspirators obtained their plot, but of course their two principal characters triends Robert Macaire and Jacques Strop, here called Ravannes and Cadeau. In the novel Robert Macaire in England, this gentle- manly thief does, if I remember right , personate a Vicomte whom he and his companions have of his papers and 2 left for dead on the road, This was a capital starting point, and the story is well worked by though the subtle deli touches of the rascally Macaire’s ¢ are omitted, and he is represented as a mere foil to the comic ruffian,—a foil, it may be added, without much point and not highly polished. To those who do not know what Macatre ought to be—a thorough Devil- with dandified airs and an occasional touch of —_——. which he immediately represses, the part as represented by Mr, Frawx Wrart, will be sufficiently amusing, considered as a ** feeder” for the comicalities of Cadeau, “ Bure such a Pair!” Mr. Paviton would make, as no doubt he often has made, an excellent Jacques Strop, in the real play, but the ‘‘ business ” indulged in by the two thieves more to a burlesque version of the story, than to Comie Opera. utter impossibility of these two gro- tesque blackguards ever being accepted by the “‘ nobility and gentry of as os ¥") preg Be Sy Comedy, hich, T belfeve, though once al whie' ve, perhaps erroneously, should be the characteristic of 6 ate Vee and relegates the See to the list of Opéras Bouffes, where it w in excellent company. In the music there is so little to carry away, that there would be i another evening but for the song in the Second Act—all the best things are in the Second Act— for Miss Frornence St, Joun with a refrain, “Ah me! Ah woo!” which she gives, as she alone can give a song when it suits her, with such vivacity and real fun as to warrant any number of encores, and to make it prectes, ee ee eee It struck me as the best truly comic rendering of Pug Sboe heard since ScuwEIDER's celebrated address to Venus in jhe Act of La Belle Hine @ which must be very trying and irri toa lady of her qit a tape. Why baguage ? Tithe dither valle be baggage, uld have a righ him a hat-box or portmanteau. Miss ow M. A. Victor is worthy of her name, the Victor Unvanquished. She and Mr. Paviron may be said to themselves. Miss Me~worre, who Cerise, the quietly and nicely, has shown taste and judgment in the HELEN OF CAMBERWELL. I woutp that very worthy maid, | I felt inclined to stab the wight Miss Here Tar tor, I could aid, | Whothusdebarred herofherright, For she, deserted and betrayed, | The Liberal cause to disunite Sits not for Camberwell ! In dismal Camberwell. Oh! let that craven wretch| Yet, though St. Stephen’s she aver,— would grace, The base Returning Officer,— Its Lobby £ a horrid place Why be Cm 13 choose ’twixt| And p’raps it’s best she did not “him” and her” That stands for Camberwell ! . The poll in Camberwell ! Oh! think ye not my heart was | O Hexen, most unjustly spurned ! sore, Is this the When Hetzw swood outside the oor, That And did most mightily d * returned,” The sins of Camberwell And not for Camberwell ! Ovor Representative Youth went to the Aquarium to view Tiacrais burlesue with wetty top-boots; @a-—end Little R in burleeque with natty - OBINSON, ** the Boy.”—and we’ve seen lots of bare boys, too, in the bathing season—but on presenting his card of admission the officials began to doubt the wisdom of ad our envoy to see the Bear Boy, our own boy being named in ticket as “‘the Bearer.” Evidently the ‘‘ Bear Boy” woukl be nowhere beside the *’ Boy,” and so up to now we ’ve not heard his report-on the two subjects. Sznonrra Anita is, of course, a Hairess, [ ExratvM.—In last week’s Number, for “‘ Acixls Zwxpdrys” read ZAcixus Xoxpdrns, which makes all the difference to the sense, and + will satisfy the classical scholar. Tue Reat Eiemeyrary Epvcation.—Chemiecal Attraction. ee alll dilethiian a icp al Pipi

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DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.——THE BARITONE. *“ OMNIBUS HOC VITIUM EST CANTORIBUS!”’—Horace. ‘*] WILL, IF YOU WILL PgoMIsE TO ASK HIM TO LEAVE Orr!” ** Do ask Youn HusBanp To Sixo, Lizzie!” “HOW SHALL WE THREE MEET AGAIN?” (Adapted—distantly—from ‘‘ Machbeth.”’) Scene—An Open Place. Thunder, Light- ning, and Fog. Enter Three Witches. First Witch P-RN-LL. Second Witch. . . §8-1-sB-RY. Third Witch . GL-DsT-NE. First W. How shall we three meet again, In wonder, terror, joy, or om ? Second W. When the hurly urly ’s done ; When the Election ’s lost and won. Third W. (aside). How in shadow sets the sun ! Was ’t for this, for this it rose ? First W. Where the place ? Second W. Why, in the House, Third W. There to meet, with bated breath, On matters grave of life and death. First W. I come, Grey Ancient ! Third W. Yes, ah! yes! Swift to the tryst flies glad success. Pncmd 5 ame P, eco fA Of your spells and charms, Oh, close contriver of all harms ? Too late you have essayed your part, And shown the magie of your art ; And, which is worse, all you have done Is thwarted by a wayward son, Q’er-bumptious, who, as others do, Plays for his own not for you. Third W. Too true, too bitterly o’er-true ! He doth spurn prudence, and doth bear Big hopes 'bove wisdom, grace, and fear. And all do know, security Is mortal’s chiefest enemy. Second W. Wisdom late-learned ! been thy fate To learn, plan, act, too late, too late! First W. Ha! ha! Second W. Ho! ho! Third W. But now the strife doth but begin. ow 8 we meet anon, anon ; When what is promised must be done, Or banded friends break hands? Beware! First W. (aside). To balance both shall be my care. Second W. (aside). How shall we meet? I 0 espy Herein much doubtful augury. Who breaks shall pay,—yet oft one finds That he must also pay who binds, And the bond’s price? When claimed that cost, Our bark may yet be tempest-tost. ; First yf ey Triumphant Captain, pilot umb, Wrecked as homeward he did come, Both shall be mine ere all is done. All, Our Mistress calls. Anon, anon! Third W. (aside). Fair seems foul, and foul In Party Sarchl pelestied le air! ” - | They vanish. THE GENERAL ELECTION. “Tus People’s Favourite,” ‘ Accepted Universally but never Returned.” Punch’s Almanack for 1886. Polling Day, Decem- ber 7. Politics—incorruptible. Price 3d. Has’t | | has refu They laugh who win! | ALLEGED CRUELTY TO A COLLIE. Cay it be that the Local Government Board to rescind the sentence of suspen- sion by the M ers of the Eastern Hospitals on Dr. Cortre—by their own admis- sion a most able and efficient Medical Officer, and unequal only to the exercise of a2 adequate supervision over the dietetic expen- diture of subordinates in his department? , but, for this business, knowing it to be too much for him, he, it seems, had requested clerkly assist- ance, and they refused it. What, then, did they really expect him to do doctor’s work clerk’s work as well? Talk of working 4 willing Noble Animal to death, what is to so preposterously overworking a Coxiz? Their suspension of their CotLre seems fully as unreasonable as the treatment awarded to the little dog in the nursery poem, who, because he had lost his tail to-day, was, to-morrow to be sus. per coll, Besides, Dr. Corre had no tail to lose, nor can he fairly be charged with having lost his head ; because he could not be expected to perform an excess of brain-work, quite enough to turn his brain. Suspend Dr. Coitre! Did ng Gy consider their servant, Corti, a dog, that they shoal! do that thing to him? Well, Dr. Corz’s case is in the hands of the Medical Defence iati of which, let us hope that the professional members will succeed in bringing that case, as well as other cases of their owt, to a successful conclusion. Tue Reat “Tie”-r1xTep Noss. — The Waiters when offered a penny. a

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E. ard en- ern 1is- Se aaTgeF eS “ -o —weee ee eae oe a L PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Drcemsgr 5, 1885, “HOW SHALL WE THREE MEET AGAIN”? (Macbeth adapted.)

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Decemagr 5, 1886.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 373 the and th b on this F ‘ We've recently heard something about Reforms at Eton. The School is divided into “* Forms”—of which the sixth is the and inel form, buat there are some forms these are Re-forms. Reform, by all actory, regulations, think several ti block, let us call it, at which man’s us ich so many “‘ merry have knelt and protests And Upper School should Eton Worthies, and substantial paid your -gui to the your names showld be indelibly earved on the old oak panels, which, on every fourth of June, vane int out with pride to your sons dson What! lose this ten-and-sixpenny immortality ! Perish the thought! Have your names hidd arouse ye, my M time, against all reforms as will destroy the rors BR for the hands that would pull down this bloek of will es gage to demolish the Chape from a the cloisters will have disappeared, as sites for cockney villas ! have to be translated, May Eton be floored! And, if there’s any rebuilding, floored the to have been in is educational i and the Oldest Boys observe any very great difference between the work of their time, no matter how long ago, and the record of to-day, which we put before them—the Monday.—I take up my pen this week to make the first entry in Diary in a state of indignation. I’ve had awful fat Tack all day. I did my Sunday Questions don’t see what right my Division Master had to complain to Tutor because I didn’t happen to know my Greek Testament. And besides, if I was late, it wasn’t m fault—I can’t help oversleeping myself. I told him I hadn’t been ; I must have tried it too often. 12° next time I’m late. Besides, it was such rot my being te, because I meant to learn my Testament before school; but of I SRS Th Fa a verses, ve, my Tu me in till two. Thats more than an hour and a half’s continuous work, without stopping—and that tells upon @ fellow, J om Ce At least, it was almost without stopping, for my Tutor was ed away by the Butler—on business, he said—for half an hour. I dare say he only went to have a good feed— ’s @ very hungry man is my Tutor We had a good rag when he was away ; but he came ack in the middle, and found meon the desk, shying one of his cribs at Scroceixs, and that made him rather angry ; so I swore I had been working awfully hard until just before he came in ; ut he couldn’t quite swallow that. However, I got nine verses one, and, with seven that I did om Saturday, and three that Swrrr did for me, and one of ScroeaiEs’s, and two m Tutor gave me, it mate eer two ; Tutor Se ot the rest when that I 5 tne E E ; : E a ‘0 ‘T As SF 2 & “IMPROVEMENT” AT ETON. sof the sixth form ought always to be in the not included in the School Division, is while reforming Masters and morals, rules are yed first fault. against contemplated destruction. then it has been absolutely audaciously be converted into a Library! Shades of oll Etonians yet all-alive 0! who have Head Master’s servant in order that hters and daughters-in-law! en by bookshelves! Never! ‘“‘ Arouse ye, Swish’d Boys!” and protest, while there be the historic Upper School into a Li A , and let out the 4 additional Masters’ Houses. Floreat Etona! will soon houses will have to be. So much, for once subject. But there is another Improvement at Eton supposed troduced within the last ten or fifteen years, t. We should like to know if the Old DIARY OF A PRESENT ETONIAN. in time, all except the last ; and so I ; but he ’t take the excuse— I think I shall lose m aldn’t ; and wees T tried to eee it from my in , aD me a punishm Then eastreng for half-past nine at break- with my minor, who messes with me, and really must say that my minor is a pig; i hen he’s in it, he wi with smaller to compare,” I smell quite understand me. socked it; but a shilling I couldn’t play football after four, because I I got for being late. I thought 1’ better do it, as I’ve shirked so many ; and if my Division Waray thay the Laver Ms learn — belong to him, so he wouldn’t and another ; and so, when the gee. n’t looked at the erib. However, I was not put on, so got through that all right. ha) at tea, except that my minor upset the — he made me it—he’s a clu At seven we had evening I ly hate; and after that, as I had no work to do for y, L played -foot- classes, and interests in the Ncw Because the Local Caucus swore I should. the Local Publicans swore I shouldn’t, y Because the Publicans were the it came to the pinch. Because, thou the Publicans— ‘aucus, vidually—supported the by presence at Caucusite than a Working Man Because the Local Caucus spout and would not work. to come to my meetings. the meetings of opponent, “Piecwuse all'the people w think him, but I rather I got my allowance after dinner, and went down town at doesn’t go far, and they sas ay tick of me ; and the Head lays. ‘m told. When I had done the pena, I went in search of my Virgil with; but a6 pe bat should have learnt the lesson, only we got THE REASONS OF MY NON-RETURN. By an Unsuccessful Candidate, a convert a Publican. Because « Publican is more likely to sonvert “ Working Man” mainly of men who would * Beca time ted spoiled Votes. Because fo many st aay eleatane Canvas used the Canvass- hts. who did canvass made converts for the other side. iority of the Constituency could never be induced Because my Caucus supporters would. persist in trying to break attendi i ho aol ~ min 6. heads broken, and didn’t like it, yoted against me. . Because I am a less confident and graceful liar than my opponent. Beeause I am not an Adonis. Because my t is. Because the ladies went for him to a woman. Because a lot of lady-canvaseers enli in his cause. Because female blandishments and the promise of blankets are sometimes more with -men, or at least with their wives, than blue posters and " use - ecelesiastic”” has been pounded merrily people easily persuaded—by -holders reous, and pretty. women that Reformer means a “ blend” of Tom Pane. i i -holders and Beeause the members of this Triple Control identi ee and consequently ‘' go for me” with uncompromising unanimity. Because —in their local organ and otherwise—they paint me as ® pleasant combination of liar, thief, born idiot, artful dodger, adventurer, wealthy onet’ Seoee , slave, party-hack, renegade, ski 4 duffer. Because Cobbler Bos, the blatant local Bredisughite, supported mo. Last—and, of course, least—because the majority Consti- aoe made up their minds to have nothing whatever to do with me Suatt Prorirs axp Quick Rervuns.—The recent Elections. oe erent AIRES

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decumpzn 5, 1886, “*SDEPENDS ON * “Awp wHice Sipz 1s your "Usnanp now, Mrs, Manoizs!” CIRCUMSTANCES.” “‘ SOMETIMES ONR, AND SOMETIMES ANOTHER, M'vw. Wuen I pon’r want any ~~ wong He's A ‘ LIBERAL,’ BUT WHEN I’m SHORT, BE ' ‘8 Z REQ’LAR CONSERVATIVE !” A DISCLAIMER. Wrrn a view to silencing any further misrepresentation, Mr. rotested that he has not udging from the way in which Party com rs will not need to be reminding that he has not at aoa comand the Nit wing CHAMBERLAIN has most emphatically promised Three Acres and a Cow to every potent are flyin add to the list. Tho eo opponents mer yet bat measures, That the fu fasnitese and wy of Country Gontiomes be ay eivided gues the local as it be disestablished, be ahipped off to New afternoon Atheistical ~~ yp and Canterbury Cathedral be cmebamente of the Church be applied: to the to subsidising the Screw Trade. "Vealand That et Pal’ be tame for Santey ing estminster ” And that the a ~ of the Hthe National Industries, notably POLITICAL KISSES, “ A judicious — of Rte was formerly inseparable from the an Election contest, and was considered to ha to have an appreciable influence upon the result of it. The kiss political is, in fact, a time-honoured institution.”—{y, James's Gasette. In other days the Candidate, As old Election tales relate, Of our staid English nation, Kissed all the women; babies too Got many a “ buss,” as was their due; Folks won by osculation. Bat now we *ve come to colder times, And ne’er can our Election rhymes Recount such pleasant stories : The kissing of the days gone by Is o’er, like wine and bribery, And old Election glories. No more fine ladies give a kiss, To help a husband up to this The height of his ambition, To represent a town or shire ; ’T would set committee-rooms on fire, Such aid to requisition. And yet when ladies vow that they Should go to Parliament to-day, Most useful they would find it; Who could refuse to give a vote, When asked for in a iuleet note, And with a kiss behind it. That women are advanced, no doubt Exists, but Punch would fain point out To these ambitious Misses,— They ’d find the path to Parliament Much easier, if time were spent In bribing men with kisses | ALL OF A PIECE. Mr. Harris, the spirited Lessee of the Theatre Royal, ‘Drury Lane, daring the Elee- tions has been announcing the results of the pollings between the Acts. Surely this might be improved upon. Why should not this important intelligence be interpolated into the dialogue of the play? To explain our meaning, we dash off the end of an Act, of which, with our customary generosity, we do not reserve the copyright. Scene—The Battle-field. Realistic details. Captain Nevitte Henny, mortally wounded, reclines in the arms of his Wife. Soft: music. Groups of Soldiers in distance. Captain. Ah, my darling! It is pleasant to die thus—in your arms, with your loving lips pales me you forgive me. Mrs. N. H. 1 have nothing to forgive, loved one. (Offering him flask.) ake this, it will revive you. (He drinks.) Bat see who comes yonder. See how he dashes t the enemy’s outposts! Heis lost! Oh, T csonst bear the sight! Poor fellow! Poor fellow! [Messenger staggers in, and gives the Captain a despatch. He then reels, and falls down dead. Captanm N. H. fopening. oe age Ab, this is news, indeed ! It keeps me No—I am not dying ! Listen, dear Mrs. N. H. another time, Eurling. You excite yourself ! Captain N. H. I must tell you the news, even if it kills me! Ah, my w30e are grow- dim! I cannot see you. ~ id The Mudborough Election is decided, an yas — Porrs—(gasp)—has been elected | (Gasp) You hear—Ports has been elected! [ Dies. Tableau and Curtain.

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Decemper 5, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ELECTION INTELLIGENCE. urine yesterday forenoon in Buckingham alace, specially lent by Her Masesty for the purpose, Tony, late M.P., was nominated as Candidate for the repre- sentation of the County of Barks. He was proposed by Joun Butt, Esq., of Great Britain, India, Australasia, Canada, and the Isle of Man. The nomination was seconded by Mr. Punch, of Europe, Asia, Africa, and America. The Lord Chancellor, who presided asked whether there was any other N fa F Z% 4 / : } % Y y yj} WE Vj LLL : wv Y yp - Candidate. Mr. Punch (sotto roce) : SEY Yj “I should think not.” Usher: Mind A ' YY by (so-called because he is always making ee 4 a noise) ‘‘ Silence!” There being no “\ : further remark, Tony, once more M.P., he. My Luzmaas crowd had assembled round Bucking- ham Palace, and the new Member, his was declared duly elected. An immense Proposer and Seconder, were received with loud and continued cheering. Topsy, M.P., the newly elected Member for Barks, was born in the spring of 1841, of poor but honest parents. He was not the only member of the family, which was, indeed, inconveniently large. It would be idle to deny the fact that at this time the subject of our memoir suffered much privation, though it was a life of luxury compared with an epoch Wy fe follow. One day his father told him that he must “look after himself.” Tony, always obedient, immediately began to do so. He turned round and round in the effort till he was almost dizzy. and then he had caught only a fleeting gim of the end of his tail. On stop- ping through pure exhaustion he found his father had fled. He was alone in the world ! Lace § ; What was more, he was h If there was anywhere a dog with sixpence in his pocket determined some day to manage a theatre, that dog was not Tony. He thought first of breaking a window, and so getting sent to prison. He stood before a butcher’s , and thought he would steal. But he was too honest. Besides, the meat was hanging far above his reach. As he stood marvelling what he should do or whither he s go, he observed a portly Gentleman walking down the street with a stick and a benevolent smile. The wild thought entered Tosy’s head that he would bite him. The stranger’s legs were a little slim in comparison with hisfigure. ‘‘ But,” as Tony cheerfully said to himself, x mustn’t be choosers.” The mere thought of getting something between his teeth made his mouth water. ; ’ The stranger came humming a tune, beaming with good-nature, and swinging his stick. Tony hesitated a moment. What had the stranger done to him? There might be for him at home a fond wife awaiting his presence, a cluster of happy children to lisp his name. Why should Tony send him into their ce with a man ? ‘ . ; “Sentiment be blowed!” said Tony to himself. ‘“‘I must bite something —so here = He ne dash forward, and what he did bite was—the dust. _ “Ha! ha! would you?” cried the Benevolent Gentleman, his smile suddenly changing into a stern frown whilst he brought the stick down on Tony’s scunce. Topsy was at this time a mere child, a circumstance difficult to realise by those now accustomed to listen to the words of wit and wisdom which fall from his lips. He lay yelping on the ground. Gradually the stern look faded from the face of the Seaovelent Gentleman, and there beamed once more the smile. ** Poor dog!” he said—‘‘ methinks I have wounded thee. Accompany me to my home, and no more of your larks.”’ Tosy lim a\, the heels of him home, Pedioted” es to the ki before him. Topsy, M.P., has been heard to say in prosperous times, when dining with M D and a’ that, that he never ng the flavour of that sausage, nor the remorse whi afterwards at the ht that he had snapped it up in two bites, when he t have lingered through six. In 1841, lo! a strange thing . The Benevo- lent Gentleman (who was none than Mr. Punch) started a wae show, and invited Tony, not then M.P., to join him in the undertaking. Later on he said— _* Come, we will change our course of life. I will sit in a chair with a pen in one hand, and the forefinger of the other at my well-developed nose. You shall sit on a pile of many volumes, with a frill round your neck, and a feather in your hat, whilst the merry world goes round.” Tony accepted the offer, and there they sit to this day. In 1881 Topy was elected M.P. for Barks, after a severe struggle, in which he came out triumphantly, at the head of the poll. As from the above announce- mn Hon. Member now been returned without a contes Sir Ralph Allen Gosset, SERGEANT-AT-ARMS. For nearly Fifty Years in the Service of the ITouse of Commons. Disp November 27, 1885. Gonz, genial Gosser? Death, who smites so blindly, Ne’er struck a heart more courteous or more kindly ; Never stern Law more pleasant guise took on, Than in the House’s common friend, now flown From friends and House alike, but still to live In all that many memories may give Of immortality. The frolic whim Of Punch’s pencil oft his friend would limn, In humorous masquerade, that might not hide The pleasant , the port of honest pride. Farewell, Gosset! In this pictured page Shbrined for the pleasure of the coming age Live on! Great ones might covet the green bays Sprung from St. Stephen's love and Punch’s praise ! PROFESSORS OF POETRY. Dear Paoresson Poncu, In writing concerning the Professorship of Poetry at Oxford, the Daily News asks, ‘‘ How should a Pro- feseor of Poetry lecture?” Jiow? Why, he shouldn't lecture at all. He should sing. Ona fine day, when it happened to suit him, he should loll in a well-cushioned punt, beneath some leaf-shaded spot on the Thames or the Cherwell, with a silver tankard of something-and-ice, and plenty of cigarettes handy. And then he should sing whatevcr he might have to say, sccoupenras himself on the banjo, Now, I would ask, can Mr. Francis Tvurener Parorave, M.A., of Exeter College, sing and play the banjo? If not, why is he appointed Professor of Poetry * to the University of Oxford. I only wish I had been up in time, and then I would have had the ap- priatment myself, I would have shown them how to sing and how to play.t Yours banjocosely, The Lazeries, Tue Lazy MinsteRet, * The L.M. és a professor of poetry—but henever practises what he professes —Ep. + He has done nothing but play ever since we have known him. When he comes for his screw he will sing—sing very small, too.—Ep. Nocturne in North Lambeth. (By an Indignant Radical.) An, yes, we'll remember this night of November, The trick of Sir James Cranke Lawnence ; Who swelled with vain glory, and—let in the Tory! A treason to hold in abhorrence ! Our own plucky Wares the case strove to alter, So let all true in the nation, — With tongue and with pen, give ovation to Warn, For North Lambeth requires (W)renovation ! pe eee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemezr 5, 1885, PAPER-KNIFE POEMS. (By our Special Book-marker.) CHRISTMAS BOOKS. IL Jou puust know ot Go tea ae 7, aie sat Sun,” well purveyors books, stories, and And their nemes?— cheard forall god children know— iw _ Gairrirn and rans and Le ery vy Co! ve sent us & parcel Quick, quick, cu string— An eunetine tes bose oo t latir Gar! The Village Blacksmith here behold, ’tis illustrated well, a: S Gannett, Tucker, CopgLann, by SHEPHERD, and by Semel, hild Pictures, sweet, from Dickens, and Tam o’ Shanter, too, both - Cones illustrations must per to view. ow boys ove Briny Deep—it savours spray— The tale is told 7 Captain Tom, with euts by Captain Mar, the Theseus "ll 3 with pure deli y Forrer, eons whe oy Axtave Kwienurt. While Baawaun's Master of his ey ond aver tae ’Tis translated from the Swedish, + ppeame by Be by Huenes. A Soldier Born, a record is of ne isk an tis written well by Pexcr Groves, pictures are by re by Pahace. The girls will ne’er miss Girlhood’s Days, and, mid the many tomes Omit Through a Refiner's Fire—’tis written by Miss Hotmes. A Generous Friendship, they ll peruse ; they likewise will I wot, Enjoy The Bunch of Berries, for it’s told by Leaper Scorr. Miss Caza 8 Fearless Frank, you know, and Miss Wavaen’s Little Will suit all bonny babies of the age of five or six. In Queer Pets, by Miss Miter, no doubt each will look. And in Rose-buds, will discover a most dainty little book. The Children’s Christmas Carols, too, will gladly sean, With Repwen's music, and the ane by Mrs. Herwaman: Hughes’ Sacrifice —this no A, Miss Nonuts, is well told, And the drawings, done b delightful to to behold ! Il. Here’s more dainty apc *re second to none— For they hail from the mansion of Biacxre awp Son! Four stirring books Georer Hewry writes, well worthy of his name— There’s The Dragon and the Raven, likewise, For Name and Fame ; Each book is full of incident, and ev'ry will say The Lion of the North is prime, and so is Through “he Fray! z= teem with illustrations of country life and town, Pacer and by Srawriann, by Scaéwnere and hag Browne. The latter aptly illustrates the aie of skilful In i: —4 Wins and Brownsmith’s Boy, ENN Professor Cavaoa and deft Marte, with pen and pencil show The wand'riags of a Roman boy Two Thousand Years Ago. The Searching for the Talisman, to like, you'll hardly fail, So good are Scuisnene's drawings to Fatru’s exciting tale! Bat here’s The Penang Pirate, writ by Hurcaxson, and he Tells with graphic force and spirit a story of the sea. Little Tottse, by Tom Ancaer, you'll not omit to read, With pictures done by Procror, which are - good indeed. And last, not least, dear Gulliver, in isguise— With Browne's delightful tethins isa veritable prize! Itt. Babes’ books by the bushel, light reading in tons! Let’s look at the parcel from Rovrieper anp Sons! All children most delighted are—pray where ’s the child who’s not ?— With all the clever fancies drawn by Ranpotrn Catpecort! The Great Panjandrum Picture Book, —~4 likewise, +4 Blaize, Will give them food for “sy on many merry day With Romps in Town and By the Sea, they ‘il pas pass delightful times, As F = pictures paints for thom, and LENNARD writes their rhymes. And po Girl's, and EB Boy's, are Annuals to buy— Sach volumes as all boys row girls must annually try! Kate Greewaway’s new Almanack, you scarcely will forget, And A. B. C.’sa — with her dainty Alphabet. If little ones sh py get, pe Se Ny them to take, A‘dose of Mrs. oan 4 Wide-awake ! Gr'mm’s Fairy Tales, with Wrseea! ard you'll love to linger o'er, And the Fuiry Tales of ANDERSEN are ! prey =~ Srom Siberia, In the Brave does Miss Epwarps most p> pictures draw— y dover Mawensnl® To a pretty little story, well written by Miss Saaw. —_—— Iv. Another batch! A goodly show! It comes from Freperick Warne & Co. You must read—if modern heroes to worship you incline— On Honour’s Roll, tis edited by Mrs. Valentine. Masterman charms to-day as it charmed years ago, Bat E. Jy Waeecen’s clever cuts an extra charm bestow | , a story is, by Lewss, . £3 Cricket doth a tale of h Syleia’s Daughters your attention earnestly i For Eorrm Scaxsu illustrates what FLonence Scaxwatt writes: The former 's Gover hendinest Conger books abounds— New Honours, Lena Graham—both Two volumes of St. Nicholas —most } of pictures and a treasury of fun of striking stories and a lot of ; children all will revel in through many A MUGWUMP’S APPBA Dear Mz. Poncn, Taxine up my Daily News the other day I upon a little poem called the ** Ballade of the Mugwump.” Now I adore Ballades, a and I dote on quaintness. Mugwump sounds pe De So spesting thet superior treat which springs from the aie titillation of the subtler mapete y payehromstig re-arranged myself in _ easy chair, pointed saregets pantou/fles towards the pleasant blaze and sal of this ry, named Sir, | was disappointed, : may = ted. The * from which I expected so muc hb, thinkiog it must Ngppesthies Villon-ous or Baudelaire-ish, turns out to be, in American politica parlance, the superior person who holds aloof from polities. The refrain of the Ballade, intended, I , to be satirical, is, “The Mugwump does not vote.” The amp is pictured as a con- temptible being, who discovers . satisfaction in standing = poyy bm politi that is what a eranp seen Bat, Sir, Jam a Mugwump, I never vote. Good gracious, no! The very thi Of tarning 0 ont ny of on such a morning as this to plod down to the po! my cross to a scrap of paper ina dreary place fustian and fresh cut planks makea me. shudder. i gpa Sg They are so troublesome, so noisy, so uncomfortably warm. They involve 3 Public Meetings. What isa Tablio meeting ? A distressingly crowded mass of perspi' humanity where the few talk loud nonsense, and the many make horrid noises to show their a ciation of it. They whirl their arms about and shout ooray!” Tosee a grown man poe ~ iy Hooray!” is, to me, an amazing sight. - guy-boys and fi at a boat-race should shout “* Hooray!” I could not do it to save my life. clapping one’s hands—as all the listening idiots do at every other —_— sentence of the painfully emphatic speaker—why it absolutely urts ! To me the country npptente | to be comfortable enough, without all this troublesome fuss about Reform. If any agricultural labourer is so singularly constituted as to be happier with a vote, he is quite welcome to mine, am sure. J do not want acres and a cow— what could I do with them? And as to Disestablishment, so long as they do not disestablish Clubs, I do not care. I rather fancy, from what excited friends tell me, that that singularly sqnamens, and distressingly earnest person called GLapsToNE is disposed to 10 be down upon them as haunts of idleness and luxury, forsooth! Well, if Reform means the abolition of i uxury, Reformers must be madder even than I have taken them to be, What else is worth living for ? Besides, I do not care for any Party. I dislike the Radicals be- cause they are so dreadfully destitute of repose, and wear such shock- ing bad hats, whilst, as to the Primrose Leaguers, well J should say, some way after Peter Bell :— A Primrose loved by old Earl B. A yellow Primrose is to me, And it is nothing more ! To the numerous ‘‘ Dames” of my acquaintance it appears to be « sort of sacred vriflamme. They pester me worse than & lot of im- unate widows, and if they , on’t bring some of their pet Candi- ates to grief before they’ve done, the Corrupt Practices Act iss farce and a f pet os a and am almost falling I declare I have written into the unpardonable sia of “emphasis.” Well the Parties may do as they do not disturb me. what Ser yoy with the country so long That I hold be philesophy tok geod Stet nd because I do so I A Muewour! — And as to am to be held. e to the ridicule of angry Philistines as €@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Beewiies, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decememe 5, 1885. TAILORS FOR GENTLEMEN BOYS LADIES. — 65 & 67, LUDGATE HILL, LONDON, E.C. “Jeou Tan.” eee wu” Rot Co ar, Velvet or Pur). “Loane” or Yur) _— (Trimmed Par), SAMUEL BROTHERS. Bie eam “ Parsee” (Wing Cape and Siceves). “ Brox.” 8HO EN'S CLOTHING. LEADY-MADE 0 READY Mabe m TO OkDin OF EVERY DESCRIPrK BICYCLING, TRICYCLING, Sr » JACKETS DIES’ oy dL ES’ COATS. a4 M . Ba AMUEL Baoraras rn 3 invite Caate “Reentione for for the t et — Graw especial ettention to their ear Resi Fabrics, of which they ar the inventors and sole manufacture, These are forwarded Post Pree Yo ag with the Illustrated Pree Ulustrating the most ae for, CeNTLEM i, BOT ” OG ¥5, LADIES —_ Special Notice. The MAGAZINE OF MUSIC XMAS NUMBER sent post free Jor 1% stamps until January 15th 1886. A/ler this date, owing to Music being copyright, price will be 2/6, post free 32 stamps. Address envelope, MA (AZINE OF MUSIC XMAS NUMBE R. a3 PATER- NOSTER ROW, LONDON, BL. Eac purchaser will receive with — re- production of the famous pictur WAGNER AT BAYREU TH. Published for Proprietor by W. KENT & Co., London. To be obtained of ail Booksellers, and at Smith's R atlway Stad/s. A New Departure! Literary Contents—24 Pages bright and piquant reading. PRIZES for COMPETITION. 70 ‘BELL’ AMERICAN ORGAN. 14 Verint Vielin ané Violin and Case, Romance for Piano, Sheet Music. 36 pp. given with Christmas Number. The Botschafter Waltz, By HENRY KLEIN, * Both original and striky “— Truth. “A Breaking Heart.” By ~~ NE ARTOT, Words by EDWARD OXENFO By HELEN MOPEKIRK. ‘ “ The Evening Prayer.” Composition for Who’ § Who’ Prize Con Prize Competition. By CARL REINECKE (with Portrait). Song, “ Ahe 1 for the South and Ahgyl for Everyone guessing 2 20 of the 37 Musicians S.No By W. A. COLLISSON. in the “Who's Who?” Picture Com will receive Song “ Princess of Thule” Waltz “ Dream of Delight.” The the agures tition " and “ Atalanta,” Gavotte, By MABEL BOURNE, Which would you be, Dear? By H KLEIN, New Portrau “THE MUSIC OF THE WAVES * By W. IMustrated. With Autograph. A. COL LISSON, Mus. Bac GOUNOD. agazine of Music CHRISTMAS YUMBER A UNIQUE XMAS GIFT “A Wonderful Shilling’s Worth.” Containing 36 pages Sheet Music, full size, and Illustrations, produced in the best style, nounced by the Press the BEAU IDEAL pubili- cation, for purposes of the delightful Art. Jn Handsome Cover. o GOLD MEDAL, ANTWERP, 1885. TADDY & CO., Lonpon. ere L or I7S% MADOYS 6 QF FEAR ALL, TRE Yo ® Day’ Swat o /884- Aas er Jove amp Thm | | “You Syouio Try THEIR | JMyrte Grove” BEST HAVANA CICARS. AT IMPORT PRICES. greatest Connoisseurs, the k eaest Kuyers, and The the bee: judges of value gow purchase their Cigars at BENSON'S, 61, St. Paul's Churchyard. 10s, & We. per 100, Samples 5 tor le (14 Stamps). Borwi MEL ALS S CKS BAKING POWDER STRY & PUDDING we THE INTERNATIONAL FUR STORE, 163, F 163, SABLE, FUR-LINED COATS for Prize Medallists, International Health Exhibition, REGENT STREET. SEAL, MINK, MARTEN MANTLES for and LADIES. GENTLEMEN, from £10 each. UR CAPES for COACHMEN, FUR RUGS in Great Variety, Wholesale Prices for Cash, ONE ADDRESS ONLY— REGENT STREET, W.|* EVERY GARDEN and every) GARDENER suited with a superb collection | | of ROBES. at prices ranging from 2s. 6d. to 120 | Carefully packed, Paid. and Carriage For tull | particulars, apply to EWING aa co., Havant, _ Hawremias. D. F. TAYLER “& 60'S 89, Newgate St. London, E.C. COLT’s DOUBLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as supplied to H.M. War Department. oe . SINGLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as adopted by the United , YO Government. COLT’S ‘FRONTIER PISTOL takes the Colt and Winchester Mavazine Kitle Cartridge, 44 cal COLTS HOUSE REVOLVER, POCKET REVOLVER, aud DERINGER twor the Vest pocket; best quality only Coit's Revolvers are used all over the world | COLTS DOUBLE-BAKRELLED SHOT GUNS snd | LIGHTNING MAGAZINE RIFLES, ior [nd.a and the Colonies Price List free. | COLT’s FIREARMS Co., 4, Noll Malt Lenten, S.W. w. SHCHOPSSTEAKS MELLOR'S SAUCE '." + Mme. WORTH, ARTISTE EN CORSETS. “When Mature Pails, then Art steps in.” Ladies in poe and Country are invited to call o pend for Mavame Woarn’s Descrip tive Cire ' Each figure is specially attended ro, and every Comet made from measurements. “ Madame W orth is, with- CORSETS adapted every sgure (em bonpoint, deform ities, curvature, spinal complaints, &.), from uineas. Mxue. WORTH’S BaADY. maps GUINEA CORSETS in white or 25s. in black, from able Outhitters and Dressmakers. MAgents apposed *WoRTH” ped on inside Corsets. 134, NEW BOND ) STREET, , LONDON, W. (Adjoining the Grosvener Gallery) ) BROOKS’ MACHINE COTTONS. The Ouby Gold Medal 184 THEBEST FOOD FOR INFANTS Panted by Wiliam Gees pete ot I of No. © Whigetsinm, in the Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington of Louden, and published by him'at No. 8, tm the County of Flees Bireet, ta the Parish of St. Bride, City Middlesex, at the Priaging Ottew of par wd Bateey. amen & Co., Lombard 5%

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decemesr 12, 1885. FOUR NEW | NOVELS. tT LUCK of te DARRELLS. y Proay,” &e Po . ov THE RADICAL’ 's DAUGHTER. Py o Peers Son eo ‘YBOROl GH. ty Mrs. A. f “ The Gayworthys,” 2 vais wn Sve, ie JOHN MAIDMENT. By JULIAN wh v0, le Landon } VOM*NS, GREPN @ co PU ACMILLAN S MAGAZINE & D mace, price One Shilling, contaias:— i. Poetry end Politice, Ny Andrew Lang B Om Love's Labour's Lest. By Walter Pater 3 lrish Sho-tings 4 A Translator of Shakespeare 8 Chavet, Authority | ite Meaping and Value. hy t ivew JM. Wilson 6. A Walk in the Puroes 7. The Death of Amy Robeart 6. Mrs. Dymond Chacters XXXVI —XXXE& By Mre. Mitchie Mire Thackersy o Ol4 Florence and Modern Tuscany. Py Janet Koss MACMILLAN & CO LONDON “THE GUN.” Ry W. W. GREFNER MOST interesting Hook on lire ares, Hestoricai and Desc: ip ive; mation required by the users of Guns, Ged is not merely reaia but entertaining. 780 paces, 65° lliustrations, 10s. 6d., of all Book CASSELL'S, LD., seeSee, Or the Author, W W.G , Haymark Londen LMSLIE STEPHEN'S LIFE OF PROFESSOR FAWCETT Now Ready. With 2 Steel Pertentte. Large Crown Sve, 12s LIFE OF HENRY FAWCETT. Hy Leetie Srerees, Author of “ A History of English Thought in the Eighteenth Century,” “ Hours in « Library Londos Surra, Picea, & Co., 6, Waterloo Place. OF SPECIAL INTE kK EST ro ADMIRERS OF RICHARD DOYLE Now Ready. With on Introduction by J. Hexona- rorp loiter, aoda Portrait. Demy éto, tis A JOURNAL KEPT BY DICK with ka > BY = a. *.* The J nal has been reproduced in facsimile, er is printed on ne paper It is ha somely bound in cloth, and fo ms « very ¢.egant «ift-boo«, Londos Surte Eup a. &C 5, Waterloo Piace NEW } NOVEL BY THE AUTHOR OF MOLLY BAWN, & At all the Libraries, in 3 vols. , post v0 GREEN PLEASURE AND x3 enter My the Author of “ Molly Hawn, offrvey,” &e Leadon Serre, 2 en, & Co., 15, Waterloo Place THE NEW ELECTORAL DIVISIONS. Just Published, in #vo, »alf Persian Morocco, TANFORD ry PARLIAMEN- § TARY COUNTY ATLAS AND HANDBOOK OF ENGLAND AnD WALES. Righty nine Maps with ruatvion relating ~~ mand tue ar The Maps inciude, in addition to Maps on a —— scace of ell the Counties. Plense of lowns reterning more than two Membem, coloured to show the New Divisions, and twenty-three Physical and Statis- tical Maps “ Ite wtility to all who have any interest in public affairs is evident hole get-up of the volume, binding. letterpress maps, is worthy of all praise.'—Tas Times October 6, 1885 For completeness and compactness lraves nothing te be desired A giance at ite contents shows that it is fur more than a mere cuunty atias.” —Tus Stanpaan. October 21, 16) Lendos: Kowaanp Stasronn,55, Charing Cross,8 W. SULPHOLINE LOTION (The Cure for Skin Diseases) in a few days removes every Eruption, Spot, or Blemish, rendering the Skin clear, smvoth, suppie, and healthy. Suid every where | BENSON’S, 61, St. Paul's Churchy The “ Seveet when the Morn is grey, “ ” Sweet when they've cleared away Four Seasons, A sweet Tobacco of the highest class, Lunch ; and at close of Day Possibly sweetest.” ( Calverley.) excellent either in Pipe or Cigarette. Manufactured In Bond by W. D. & H. 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LEA & PERRINS SAUCE which are calculated to deceive the Pabile, The greatest Connoisseurs, the keenest Huyers, and | 1*4 4 Pes ain» beg todraw attention tothe factthat the bes: judges of value now purchare their Ciga:s i each bottle of the Original and Genuine WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE Jo weal Diguature, thus— “A Perfect Frisette in Ten Minutes.’ HINDE’S Hair Curling Pins Laer ———> Rinoters. &c *,” Sold Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester UBED COLD. Caosss & biscewer:, London ; and Export Vilmen i6s., 0s., & 22a. per 100, Samples. tor is. (1 aes generally, more cffective than curt papers. Com iortable— In + isi vle— \ Bimplicity it-elf. Sold im 6d. and le boxes b&b \) Faney eaters DHINTER or aap box for 7 stamps, diree’ from Messrs. Hixve's London Sample Koom, la, City Road, &.C Also th jetors of the famous” ELLEN TERRY ” HA th which cannot possiviy fall out when once pia - n the hair. 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IND -CONOMiI¢ TREET, RE HO ECONOMIC ¥ THE Kin TS 10 IVER 0 F Lime & iS MI of COD L readiy and As a remet is, Scrore wert Desq PECTIONS, CHILDRE n ite resus bd by the be | Deormnan 12, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——— =—_— TRADE MARKS FOR WELL-KNOWN FIRMS. Designed by Dumb-Crambo Junior, - _ Swears and Wells. A Corker for the Member for Cork. (By a Sanguine Liberal.) PARNELL says our Party he’|l throttle; But, when the Poll comes to its “‘ tottle,” He may possibly fear It is not quite so clear That the Cork has the best of the bottle! “ Hi Diecte Diecte!”—On Thursday last, the new London School Board rejected Mr. E. N. Boxton for and instead, elected the Rev. J. R. Dicerx, an “ unattached * Clergyman, with Sir Ricuarp Tempre for Viee. The ‘* Temple for Vice” does not sound well in connection with the School Board. But Sir Ricnarp will give efficient aid, and as to the Rev. J. R. Dicere “unattached .”” he will have nity of proving whether the Board ’s choice is, or is not ri-diggle-ous. 7ARRY ON THE ELECTIONS. Dear CHARLIE, Ow foes it, my Joskin? Asouse that remark, dear old bloke, But the chawbaocon life wot you 're leading ain't fit for a ’Amstead ’Kath moke. Kural parts, mate, are all tommy rot, and it gives me the needle, dear boy, Co see.you still buried down there, where there ’s ink to see or enjoy. We’ve bin goin’ it proper in London. Elections all over the shop, And them Rads 'aven't ad a look in, Sir. We've landed 'em fair on the op. {ave cheered myself ‘orse, I essare yer, bin at it for weeks, day and night, And when ’AxkY is straight on the job, things is bound to come out about right. { am Tory right down to my bluchers, and straight up my back, as you know, And I think | ’ve give Giapstone his gruel, and bunnicked up Brammagem Jox. Leastways, if the town was all Annies and Aristos, Rads and their rot —— to that orful extent they would wish theirselves jolly well 'f there ’s any dashed thing I do hate wus than work and stale swiz, it’s a Rad ; He is mostly a white-feathered Muggins, and always a clod or a cad. 3o I pal’d on the Tory Committee, stuck red silk rosettes in eoat, And went canvassing round a rare buster in search of the working man's vote. Sech no my dear Cuantis, sech shindies, sech row-de-dow meetings all ro and | Sech turns at the chucker-out bizness, wich suits me right down to the ground ! ‘Most as funny as ’unting a Welsher. Chap ’isses, that puts up yer blood, 3o you go for him, six on yer, thump him, and leave him to cool in the mud. ’Fen brickbats, though, Cuantre, old bloater! we ’ad ’em ‘one night, and no Stoppea une with my Sunday best ’at—a bran’ new un as cost arf a quid; 3o I drew the line sharp, and skedaddled. Won’t run to it, Caartix, dear boy! ind that dashed Corrup Practices Hact leaves us jolly few perks to enjoy. Sarma seeaense all that! I’ve been working six weeks for our man, Marx RUMP, And there ’s jest nothink hangs to it, Coantre! It gives one the fair blooming ump. There’s some chat about blankets and soup-tickets, most on it kibosh, of course ; But bedclothes and skilly won't pay me for ’owling until I git 'orse! 't’s the qunpeny Coee it, old hoyster, the cumpany! Lor it’s A.1 Co be took in a Long Acre Lando to poll. Then the girls are good fun. Wy a Primrose League Dame—a fair scorcher—as pinned a rosette on my collar, 3ez, “‘ Do your best, dear Mister 'Anzy!”—lI did, too, you bet your last dollar! { pelted the Radical posters, I guyed all the Radical te ; { cockcrow’d their Candidate crazy, in spite of their wild. pe Turn-im-houts,” Chey talk of a Citizen’s dooty ; I think, dear old pal, you'll admit Chat wot with his vote, voice, and mud-shying, ’Azky done his little bit. We returned him, McCrump, by three figgers. Great Scott! When the poll was declared ' thought we ’d ’ooray'd all the roofs off. The Rads all looked sulky or scared ; (nd as for the pets of the Primrose, one snappy young beauty in pink— Well, I thought she ’d’a wept on my shirt-front! Yum-yum, CHax.ie; wot do you think ? That’s Tory R-haction, my pippin! It warms un a Patriot's ’art. Wot we want in Old England's Protection, and Plack for to take our Own Pert. Co give them dashed furriners toko with tarriffs tremenjously hot ind if they rough up and cut didos, to jolly well lick the whole lot! Chem,’s ay politics, Cuantiz, packed ’andy; and that’s wy I’m Tory right through. Lord Ragouen® my mark; there’s a Statesman! As ’ot as they,’re made, and rue Blue. He's worth ten Old Midlothian Muddlers, and twenty Brum Jors packed in one. Vake Aim boss of the Show, and by Jingo he’ll show the old Jokers some fan ; And now I’ve jest heard, my dear Caanr.ie, that down in your chawbacon part, You have chucked out the Tories. Oh scissors! it cuts a cove slap to the ‘art! Wot’s the good of hus starting the game hup in Town in so proper a way, (f them turnip-fed jolterheads muck in, and give Jox the best of the play ? (f that Cow and Three Acres does fetch him, Hoper must ’ave a puddeny chump. Wy, I thought we wos winning ’ands down, mate. Are me and sech swells as cCrumP To be sold by a Juggins like Gives? Are our Dames to shed tears and go sad ? Must the Primrose be licked by the Buttercup? Curie, old chap, it’s too bad! Can’t ang it, dear boy, can’t, believe it. You give ’em the straight tip from own. If you think my snide patter will help you, wire up, and Ill jest toddle down. This Election, old pal. is a Crisis, and one as we must carry. Che Pink Primrose girl told me that— it’s the gospel aecordin’ to ’ AMRY. VOL. LXXXIx. BB

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278 : PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decempzr 12, 1885, THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Visitor. “How 1s rt, I wowpeR, THAT YOU ALWAYS GET BETTER TEA AT oruEeR Proriz’s Hovses THAN YouR own?” THEEBAW’S DIARY. Monday.—Glad it's allover. Cost me a pang giving up Mandalay and the entire army, especially as I had settled a grand mili execution for next week. This invasion has put out all my arrangements. e Cabinet Torture | had fixed for the 15th postponed indefinitely. These Barbarians don’t know how to govern. Why, they have been in the capital for the last four-and-twenty hours nod haven’t yet killed anybody—not even impaled a Prime Minister ! Tuesday.—They are beginning to understand me and my little ways. A dish of live snakes at breakfast this morning, capital! Had an interview with the Chief Barbarian. He was very civil, but refused to seald my late Privy Council to death in boiling oil! When asked if I wanted anything else, sulked, and said ‘‘ No.” Suddenly remembered that my European tailor Ee before I left Mandalay had sent in his account. Requested that his head might be removed and forwarded to me by Parcels Post. Chief Barbarian said he was afraid that the regulations would not allow of the transfer, but he would “‘ see what could be done.” Told him that I did not want to cause inconvenience to anyone, and that if they buried the tailor alive it would do just as well. Wednesday.—Very dull indeed. Nothing todo. Asked the Chief Barbarian if I might have a dozen or so of my cousins to slay. Told me that ‘‘ Murder was prohibited.” Couldn’t see what that had to do with it. Surely the head of a family may thin it occasionally? Was extremely annoyed because the Chief Barbarian refused to allow the steamer that brought me from ~~ ors | to be blown up, with its om, for m | The Chief Barbarian takes advantage of my weak- ness. ewa duly: Thursday.—Chief Barbarian tells me that deputation from the Burmese Branch of the Anti- National Leagueand Destruction of British Interests Association desired toseeme. When they were admitted they told me that they would use their best endeavours to get me to the throne of my ancestors. Very good of them, but they bored me. Before retiring they thanked me for the patience with which I had listened to them. They wouldn't have had the opportunity if I only had had my nine-bladed sword ready to hand before they entered ! Seengeenty the Chief Barbarian refused to have them all bitten to death by parpente, althoug I begged him to give the order asa persona! favour to myself. The Chief Bar- barian is very unkind to me! Friday.—Reeceived a number of letters from British sympathisers, condoling on hearing of Sir Wriratp Lawson's defeat. The event with me on ~\4 dethronement. Answered them on my pet “ note-paper. The only real bit of en oyment I have had since leaving y- How surprised may be chronicled as the Great Waterfall ! their executors will be! Saw Prenpercast chuckling’in a corner. What at? Something he was reading, he said. What? I asked. Then he told me it was the cur. rent number of Punch. I informed him that I knew of Mr. Punch perfectly well, and I said that I wished the people of England to be told how deeply I regretted not having studied the wise words of Mr. Punch all my life, and then I should not now be in my present pickle, Prenpereast replied that he would write the Query that effect, and then continued reading and chuckling, Should like to take his head off. I hear that Mr. Punch’, Artists take off 4° heads; even the heads of the greatest Ministers. love Mr. Punch’s Artists for this, There is a sympathy between us. We shall meet. Saturday.—l am to be liberated, and goto England, I am tw have a benefit at a place called M Tussavp's where (with a double-headed war-club) I am to run a- muck for five minutes amongst the Early Norman Kings, I am to be lodged at the Albert Palace, because it is more lively than Buckingham Palace. Also I shall meet Mr. Punch’s Artists, who take off people’s heads, LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL. MY COUNTRY COUSIN. To Town, about the close of dull November, Up comes the Country Cousin, pray remember,— The Cattle Show to visit in December ! She ’s bonny and bewitching in her sealskin, Her pretty gloves fit tight as any eel-skin, And roses bloom—not rouge—upon her real skin ! Her winsome, watchet eyes, they are the eweetest Her bottines and her ankles are the neatest, Her toilette you’ll consider the completest. She ’s pretty, piquante, ge and capricious ; So dainty, dimpled, daring, and delicious : She ’s jeyful, and she’s jaunty and judicious. She loves to hear the latest tittle-tattle ; Ono manners, music, crinoline, and cattle, And pictures, peers and poets will she prattle ! She often goes out shopping with her Mother The Park she sometimes visits with her Brother— She ’d much prefer to stroll there with Another! The bright Mikado music sets her hamming— And how she likes the Temple kettle-drumming, With those who love to go chrysanthemumming ! She has no views on “‘ rights”’ or vivisection, Finds politics a bore, upon reflection— __ But dotes on Conny Grain and his Election ! She dearly loves a pleasant lunch chez VERREY, And — { prefers dry Pommery to sherry ; She’s ** gone” on Mr. Invine and Miss Terry! She goes to Took’s, and there she roars with laughter ; To Human Nature off next night you waft her— She sees the Colleen Bawn the evening after! She music leves—from dances unto dirges— And when she from the Albert Hall emerges, You'll have to take her off to Moore anp Bureess! She can’t e’en rest ’twixt Saturday and Monday, But in a hansom—despite Mrs. GaunDY— She drives down to the Abbey on a Sunday ! She ’s bright each morn—as fresh as any daisy— And when with seeing sights I’m nearly crazy, She says I am “‘ incorrigibly lazy!” But when one day from Euston she has started, (Those eyelids drooped a wee bit when we parted !) I certainly felt dismal and down-hearted. That merry whirling time at last is ended |— a And as for hearts? Pooh! peek ! I’m feeling splendid’! ** Least said,” the proverb hints, “‘ is soonest me , Postuicays vy. Repustican.—Joy of the Tavernkeeper# oO oe = a6 ee eo. ao aS «1s oO ip tai a a

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d! ” ‘ Ts nt December 12, 1885.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SWAIN $6 T-by, M.P. Gentlemen, Gentlemen, what’sall this about? Why stand here in the cold ? Mr. G-rge R-ss-li. We're obliged to stand, because we’ve lost our seats. T-by, M.P. Ah, very good. But, you know, you'll have to move | on. It’s — the Act of Parliament to have anything like a mob | in Palace Yard. Probably you don’t mean anything, but there’s | a ferocious look about H-yt-x that bodes ill for the public peace. | You haven’t got pikes up your back now, have you’ Yeu don’t mean | to have a scuffle with the Sergeant-at-Arms? You'd better disperse quietly before I read the Riot Act. How’s H. C. E. to-day? He doesn’t look so like H-ere C-omes E-verybody as he did six months ago. Mr. H. C. E. Ch-id-rs. No, T-sy. I confess it’s broken me down a little. After all I have done for the country, to be treated thus. I strengthened its Navy, reformed its Dockyards, made - Daten, and now in my old age Pomfret deserts me. If I had rved-———— Mr. Sh-we L-f-vre. Pom, pom; don’t fret. Look at me, and think what J’ve done, and what the country loses inme. And yet I heave me h, and sh ne. {Mr. C-ne. eed one the coutny.}, pve us mning to reach my proper sphere. was in the Cabinet, ead of a Department, by my friends, feared by my énemies—— T-by, M.P. And rejected by Reading. Well, never mind, we | must try and get on without you for a bit. And how does my friend | H-tms take it? H-ums, sweet H-uus, there’s no place like the Bench. Eh? Mr. H-ims. 1 own I was and think I did well enough at the Board of Trade. “OUT IN THE COLD.” T-by, M.P. 80 you did, and Hackney hasn’t behaved Hansom And you, my J. K., are you Cross? Mr. J. K. Cr-ss. Nota bit. Glad to be out of it. Bad enough before R-np-LPH went to the India Office; but he takes my breath away when he talks about India—and that ’s awkward. Ev-lyn Ashl-y. So it is, especially if you have to make such long speeches as those with which [ pleased the House of Commons in dealing with matters relating to the Colonial Office. But I don’t mind—I never did care for office. gp ay 4 aE fr. W-ik-r. g your pardon. you me T-by, M.P. Well, i didn't mean to. But now you've walked out of office, perhaps you ’ll say how you like it. Mr. W-ik-r. Immensely. Never a minute's peace— especially when the House was sitting. T-m H-1y always jumpin at me. Windbag 8-xt-n interminally pumping out the tepid tui of his talk; J-s-pu G-L1-s grinning at me, and moving his fingers convulsively, as if he were Mr. Quilp, and I Mrs. Jinniwen, 1’m really glad to be out of it. Mr. R-ss-ll and Mr. C-ne (together). 80 am I! T-by, M.P. And you, Sir AnTuuR? 5 Sir Arth-r H-yt-r. Oh! 1 hate ter think of it! Ladyship says I’ll have more time to look up nice people for her Saturday evenings. But that’s poor consolation. Lord K-ns-ngt-n. They will miss me at the door. The way those fellows will sneak away from a Division now will be awful ! T-by, M.P. Well, well, it’s all very sad. You must have com- pensation for disturbance. Call on me in the morning. Shall leave i I worked hard for Hackney, | orders with my man to give you each Three Acres and a Cow. The deputation then withdrew.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemezr 12, 1885, —_—_——___ FURY AND JURY AT CAMBRIDGE. Tar premiére of the Eumenides (by Messrs Vernatt and Ascrry- | 10s), was one of the most curious spectacles ever placed before a | nineteenth-century audience. The originality of the plot is unques- | tioned, except by the pedants who object that it is partially adapted | from the Greek of Lemrariax. The First Act opens on the Terrace before the Temple (an unassumi edifice) of Apollo, at Delphi. The Prophetess comes on alone, obliges us with a brief précu of local history. She then goes off to enter the Temple, but comes back in great dismay, remarking that she has “had suchaturn.” In the Temple she has discovered a number of women, sound adece Gheagh no Select Preacher is in the University pulpit), and, as 5 coarsely pute it, “‘ their snoring nostrils blew fearsome rheum.” She says she left the Temple on all fours, but she does not ‘ come on” in that original fashion. She appeals to Apollo, who (like John Wel- lington Wells) is “‘ master of epells” to “expel” them. Apparently a pun is intended. Then the curtain rose on the interior of the Temple. Orestes, an | interesting orphan, who has jast killed his mother for killing his father (Agamemnon), is sitting at the base of the sacred stone, sup- posed by the authors “‘ to represent the centre of the earth.” Orestes | is not, as one might have expected, iu mourning. Behind him is Apollo, a8 handsome a god as you could wish to see, and Hermes, who having no words to speak, is naturally sulky. About a dozen elderly ladies in gauze veils appear to have from some Con- tinental pension, and are asleep in various odd attitudes all over the stage. These are Furies. They have come to catch Orestes. He | has killed a relation (a mother, in fact), and it is the peculiar busi- ness of the Furies to punish people who kill their relations. There | is no one else to do it, because what is everybody’s business, in the family circle, is nobody’s business. Apollo directs Orestes to ran oe to Delphi, and the hero jumps off with a lead, which he gradually increases, the Furies being left snoring at their post. Then, in a mist of violet smoke arises the — of Orestes’ mother, Clytaemnestra, It is not “‘ Mrs. Rawdon Crawley,” (as in another version of the piece in Vanity Fair) but Mr. Piatrs, of Trinity. Clytaemnestra, under the discomforts of a ghostly existence, has ‘* gone off” dreadfully, in her looks, since her appearance in Balliol Hall, some four years ago, when Mr. Franx Benson took the part. She wakens the Furies, (who snore quite audibly) and they leap to their feet, a fearsome spectacle, gauze veils, sn and all complete. It is impossible to over-praise the Furies, who are the life and sonl of the piece. As there is not much room for them on the stage, the less eminent Furies chiefly shake their fists from platforms which take the place of stage-boxes. Their singing is excellent, better than their argument, which is that murder ‘‘ does not count,” unless the slain person is, like Clytaemnestra, a relation of the murderer’s. Now a man’s wife is not a relation (unless he marries his cousin) so when Clytaemnestra killed her husband, it did not matter much. **When J killed Aim, it was nothing,” is the position of Clytem- meats, backed by the Furies; “but when you kill me, it’s murder!” We now had a wait of twenty-five minutes, and then the curtain rose on the Temple of Athene, in Athens. The statue of the goddess, with a broad grin on her good-humoured features, was reckon very archaic. Orestes entered, and prayed, and then the Furies were athim. Here a was adapted from ‘*‘ Jack the Giant Killer "’—*' Fee fa, fo fam,—I smell the blood of an Englishman!” says the Giant in that old favourite. ‘‘ Now somewhere hereabouts he is lurking, for a pleasant savour of human blood doth salute me,” our Authors make the Furies ery aloud. After “‘ a long song and a strong” from the Furies, Athéne comes in, a very tall and fair goddess, in a brass helmet. She hears the case, and goes off to summon a Special Jury. In the last Act the Jury, exceedingly old undergraduates, with a Roman soldier in a brass helmet, come on the scene. The Furies, as counsel for - tion, freqaently deserve to be committed for contempt Court. They oven the case noisily, and cross-examine the prisoner at the Bar. He admits the murder, but calls Apollo as a witness to character, and to “ the very best motives.” Apollo not only speaks to character, but denies the jurisdiction of the Furies. They can only punish a man who has killed a relation. Now, Apollo argues, a man's mother is no relation to him at all. The Furies ridicule this plea, when Apollo brings off a great coup de thédtre— ** Here is a witness,” he says, pointi any mother at all, but was born out of the head of her father. There- forea man’s mother is a mere accident, and Clytemnestra was no relation of the accused! ” Athéne then sums up, ing in favour of the Jury vote by ballot. white ball, and the lots being equal, Orestes leaves the Court without a stain on his character. e rest of the piece consists of a pueed cons, Ss the J persuade the Furies to stop, in a friendly way, at Athens, and conducted to their rooms by a torch-lit procession. to Athéne, “‘ who never had 8 While the Authors can hardly be congratulated on their plot, or on the character of their law, and their ideas generally, the Actors, one and all, were warmly and deservedly applauded. They s ke Greek * with an English accent,” (as Mr. Howeiis complains that we al] speak English) but thev spoke it very distinctly. The comic aspect of the Furies was redeemed by their excellent singing, and Dr, STANFORD'’s music was rather more than worthy of the occasion, Perhaps, next time, a little more common sense and allowance for modern feeling in the play itself may be recommended to Aiscuriys and his very clever collaborator, Mr. VERRALL. PAPER-KNIFE POEMS. (By Our Special Book-Marker.) CHRISTMAS BOOKS. (IN OUR WHEEL OF FORTUNE) Iw our Special Wheel—to Dame Fortune, deep thanks !— They ’re all of em prizes, and none of ’em blanks! Let’s pick then a few from the long catalogue, From Loyemay, Warp-Dowwer, from Frecp and Jonn Hoac; From Hopper anv Sroventon, likewise Sampson Low, From Remiveton, Rovrieper, from Cassatt & Co. There ’s Sxerrineton, Unwin, and Coapman & Hatt, Hrpesneimer, and Hatcnarp, and then Kean Patt; With Marcos Warp, Maxwe tt, and Marion too, Send plenty of prizes to pass in review | In Friends or Foes from Fairyland, Lord Brasourne’s charming tome— Lister SamsBounne’s cunning pencil is pu at home: What a quaint and fertile fancy throughout the pictures lurk, Sure brownies, too, and pixies must have helped him in his work! Davenport Apams boys will like—true tales he has to tell, In Perils Oft, he tells them, and no doubt he tells them well. At Hope's Young Days of Authors, they ’ll scarcely fail to look, ’Tis full of illustrations, and a most delightful book. Miss Coxon, Mrs. Dovetas, Madame Cotomse, and Miss Gaezr, In pleasant Proverb Stories to all children will be dear ; And the pictures by Miss Craxton, Miss Bennett, and CHAsEMonE, By CorBovtn and by Coorrn, they will joyfully con o’er! Should e’er you the intricacies of Commerce wish to learn, To Blakley's Dictionary I would counsel you to turn. But at the ‘‘ festive season ” I guess you'll most resort To Toothsome Dishes, well compiled, by Cannre DavenPort! In Quest of Gold 8t. Jomnson writes, and little ones will read The Little Silver Trumpet tale, so deftly told by Meapz. i Fables and Fancies—book for babes—and one they ’Il love to view, Within ite covers stories six, and pictures seventy-two! What Girls can Do, by Puttits Baowne, is full of useful lore, And charming is Miss Hurton’s tale sie Fennimore. Girls, When I was a Child, will love, so clearly does it show The quaint old-fashioned girldom of some thirty years ago. Miss VrtLari the story tells—you ll much enjoy its fun, ed | And The Queen of the Arena, told by Stewart Haxrison. Follow my Leader, boys will find, a tale that’s good indeed— ’Tis pictured well by Stacey, and ’tis smartly penned by Rexp. You'll find Three Fairy Princesses as dainty as can be, The drawings by Miss Paterson are very fair to see: For Fortune and for Glory rings with fighting fierce and tough, While Watrer Pacer illustrates the tale by Lewis Hoven. In Frits and Erie Hutcueson his facile my ay With Crusoe-like adventures of two plucky German boys: The Lion Battalion—Miss Huttan here relates The tiny tales for little folk Miss CoamBens decorates. P In Major Monk his Motto ne’er does Frepericx Lanosrives fail To point a useful moral and adorn a pleasant tale ! The White Swans, by Hans ANDERSEN, we would commend to you, For the pictures by Miss Havers are delicate andtrue: In Through the Meadows WesTHERLY most joyously doth sing, While Miss Epwarps and Jon Srapxes aid pictorially bring ! The Owl of Ohwynn Belfry isa — li quickly spot, ’Tis full of dainty drawings done by Ranpotpu CaLpEcort: hooting Niagara you'll read, and you'll be sure to look Within Miss Brtiixeron’s good work, Gordon Birthday Book. Great Battles of the Army, and of the Navy, too, Both aon, by Lieutenant Low—you’re bound to read them ug Of pleasant books for babyland you'll find there is no lack, There ’s Freddie's Letter, Father's Boat, and Clever Master Jack ; A Day's Pleasure unto children will no doubt give joy enough, And se will Mrs. Barxgn’s tale of Pomeranian Puff ; ee - eo woe @ oe ee’ SS

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Hoas ; rk! k, Ry MORE, 'y you, ook.

Decummmn 13, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 281

<__— The Vee-Boers in South Africa will no commending need, For in the main ’tis readable—'tis written by Marwz Rerp! The Squires you, doubtless, will peruse in these Election times, ‘Tis brimming with a humour quaint and sparkles with new rhymes! Comedies from a Country Side, by TxistaM, you'll admire His sketches of the ‘* Parvenu,” ** Parson,” and the * Squire.” Here 's the weird Outlaw of Iceland, by Vicrox Hueco writ— You will find Sir Gitsext Campsext has well translated it ; And Fubles from the Sanskrit, too—to read well worth your while— ‘Tis Englished by Cuaxtes WILKUNs in most admirable style ! In Sunny Switzerland you'll and possibly survey The pleasant Lindenbliimen ‘re both by Rowitanp Grey. And WeaTHERLY’s Punch and Judy it is plain enough to me, With Miss TownsEND’s merry eae, by all will welcomed be. Youll soon discover that Miss Yonex, to charm she will not fail, With other elever pens that write, in Please tell me a Tale. The British Navy Album, it is bound in crocodile— a ad popes oft one oe Battle of the Nile ; Tis full of naval pictures, appropriate is quite For Admiral, or Bo’sun, or a merry Midshipmite !

“IMPROVEMENT ” AT ETON. DIARY OF A PRESENT ETONIAN. Tuesday.—This has indeed been an eventful day. All sorts of things have happened, and one sort of thing that I particularly dis- like, in fact I can hardly sit down, it hurts so. But before I write down how that happened, I must say how it was I came to keep a Diary—I don’t always show my work up—in time, you know, and occasionally I am late for school : and so Tutor, who very often jum to conclusions, J think, says that I’m i , and ought to do something to make m : so he suggested that I should keep a Diary—I said if he liked, but 1 wasn’t going to do it for nothing. He took the hint, and promised that if I kept my Diary to the end of the half, he’d give mea prize, and as there’s only about a month more I can do that, of course. I should rather like to have a prize, because I haven't one since my first half, when I sapped. The governor cut up rather rough last holidays because | didn’t get a good report: so if I bring him a prize and tell him it’s for good conduct, he’ll be awfully pleased. He need never know. And be- sides, I’m sure it’s conduct to keep a Diary. ScroceLes is my best friend, but he doesn't board in this house, I am sorry to ~* Lxs’s pater is an M.F.H., and I believe he’s an M.P. also, but of course there aren’t as many M.P.’s as Masters of Fox-Hounds. Scrocexes is awfully fond of hunting and sport, and soam I: and when we get to talking horse, we rally go on for a long time. ScroceiEs is rather clever, too, and helps me with my work sometimes: but as he doesn’t here, I can't always get it from him, and then I go to Surrr, who isn’t a bad sort of a sni » As for my Fag Master Morte, he’s an awfal rammy sort of fellow. He doesn’t seem to care much for games, and doesn’t even play for the house: but draws and reads poetry, and Dickens, and all that sort of thing, when other fellows are watching a match, and altogether I can’t make much of him. He hasn’t got any colours ‘is and I don’t think he will, especially as he is leaving this half, so he’ll a f as colourless as came. As everybody hasn’t seen OTTLE, Pere fe = y that he’s a pale complexion. He’s got a fri CowAkD, w ys piano very well, which isn’t such a bad sort of thing to do, only he will play such rotten stuff—classi :j if we hadn’t enough classics in school, without having Greek or Latin music out of school, he plays an awful tune called “ Low and Green.” * i it’s not very funny. However, when he it, the fellows generally beg his music, and make him play < hon at nine: I got our division had drawing the first hour, and mathematics the second. I draw rather well, I eS — have some idea of illustrating my , like Dick Doze. cx Dore wasn't at Eton I should say, but don’t know. I sawa copy of his Diary in my Tutor's study. He must have been an awful sap. It wasn’t bad up to mathematics. F : i coats, ond * Our Etonian probably means “‘ Lé see what he can mean. ly educa’ We had a good merge fa after four: I was Captain of = can have to form an Administration, he will find as | like to, for ing is ‘‘ o’ershadowed”’ (as we say when iti i thei haary tomy gi ut which I still y position of the Last Rose of Summer, as, in consequence of their ht a couple of squirts to-day, and we agreed to have a pandons are faded and gone.” No matter! swathed ves should hide and Suxrr come and look forme. Just as I was wonder- at Eton is considerably im- ing where to go I noticed that the trap-door in the roof was open, and I got some fellows to help me up and give me a tumbler of water. Before long, Sair¥ came up for me, and just as he got near I let drive: but he caught sight of me and d so all the water = 7 y ay ell, all the fellows were laughing, and Sautrr and I were going to set to, when up comes the Captain of the house with his cane, and seeing Smir¥ wrapped up in towels, with a squirt, and the water on the floor, guessed what was up. He must have caught sight of me, for he yelled out to * you fellow up there” to come down. I didn’t intend to answer him, soI crept away, and I think I should have got off, only I tripped over some wires, and set every bell in the house ringing, and what was worse, I put my foot through the ceiling : and after that I didn’t think it was much goad trying pretend I wasn’t there, so I came down, and a jolly ass I looked all bandaged up with towels, and my face covered with dust. The Captain told me to take that foolery off, and sent me to my room : and shortly afterwards he had an interview with me. He brought his cane with him.* It rather — me, and I to pa my French for to-morrow, and I daresay I should have nished it, ny Surrr, who had also seen the Captain and his cane, came in to talk. It is after prayers, and I am writing my Diary, and I hear the boy’s-maid coming to take my candle. In she comes. Oh, I say, leave ita minute. No, Out goes the candle. Blow it! I must go to bed now and get up early to-morrow, I suppose. * Is this among the Eton improvements? A Captain of a house chastising with a cane may, or | not, be an improvement. But it is certainly « novelty. Cave canem !—Ep (To be continued.)

A PLEA FOR THE PILOTS. Ir does not need any knowledge of a seafaring life to understand how arduous and important are the duties of the Pilots of the United Kingdom. And most people know also if they don’t, Admiral Punch begs hereby to inform them—that those duties are performed cheerfully and courageously, in all weathers, for what is certainly not magnificent pay. It seems, then, that the Pilots have grievances of various kinds, and hence the United Kingdom Pilots’ Association has issued a modest address, asking Electors to poe upon Candi- dates the need of an inquiry into Pilotage, and the laws affecting it, before a Royal Commission, with, it is to be hoped, remedial legisla- tion afterwards. In the Merchant Shipping Act of last year a cruel attempt was made to abolish compulsory pilotage, without a penny of compenration to the Pilots, while the direct consequence would have been infinite danger to life and property at sea. It is feared that this clause, which is a favourite “ fad” of the Board of Trade’s, may appear again is some other Bill: and even now the Swansea Harbour Trustees are trying to obtain powers to do away with com- pulsory pilotage as regards that There are other grievances which need not be detailed; but Admiral Punch trusts he has said enough to back up the petition of his good friends the Pilots, and o commend their views to the best attention of a Parliamentary Committee.

How to Do It. Ir you want to earn some siller, | Paint ~~, getting ill and iller, Sit and write a Shilling Thriller! | Midnight black than Hades stiller! Introduce a secret killer, Sea! A boat without a tiller! And a strange eccentric Will—er, Stab! Plunge! Reseue! Artful Pretty girl, a true heart-filler, * biller 1” Brawny beau, a regular “* miller.” Bookstalls! Bobs! And there’s Hunt the lot from post to pillar. your Thriller!

“ Nor ow ALL Fours.”—Was it “ Trathful James” who suggested that Mr. Caampentary should be known as “ Bob Acres ?” But where does “the cow” come in, unless it is understood in the i- fication that Bob Acres was a eow-herd? This won't do: the ioal leader has the courage of his opinions ; he isn’t at all Bob Acres, and he won’t be cowed. Atmosr Atowr.—If the Grand Old Ex-Prime Minister should himself almost in the

so many of his ‘ blooming com~- rejection by their Constituencie More where they came

Wu it still be ‘‘ Gosset’s Room, in the House of Commons? Room,” and over the

proved.— Ep. + Our Etonian is alluding to football.—Eb.

in.” If he doesn’t, we don’t | Lo it might have been called * Gossi ¥ t Saaelly te poral shoul have been orbed All polities abandoo, ye who enter ”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL |Decemszr 12, 1885, THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD. i M4 BR) j | ABST }} } | | a i " } Jew Governess, *‘ Way ane vou Tzarine rHat Pracarp, Evsiz! I raovent your Para was A LiperaL!” Elsie, *“‘S0 HE I8—AND THE ONLY ONE IN THE Famity!” THE TURN OF THE TIDE; OR, THE MAID OF MIDLOTHIAN AND THE PRIVILEGED PEASANT. Scene from the enormously successful Great Sensational Drama, recently produced in the Provinces. Jamima (the Maid of Midlothian) Giles (the Privileged Peasant,—" with a V Scenze—Sands on the Sea Shore near Point Premier. Enter Jamia, walking slowly towards it. Jamima. Who-o-0-f! (fans herself). I feel tired, and beaten— no, not beaten, perish the thought!—but tired—yes, and these yellow sands—I would they were not yellow, for ‘tis not a colour I admire—I walk securely. But where is Guxs? I do not see him. Perchance he is still in the fields. have forgotten that he has to meet me on the shere, and show me the nearest way to Premier Point. yet. How the waves roar! W. E. Gt-pst-ne. He cannot surely o sign of him as ulls, have so strong a watch the waters, I must reach it ere dark. It d hour or two before me. o love a good North Wind. just as I round Point Premier. b above her. She looks up at them. x cries these weird birds utter! Methinks I hear out “* Disestablishment!” And hark again. i pressi ! and what is their ory ? ! men (Meditates.) Joz! I name as GILES, they not be bitter enemies So headstrong. Ah! he would have run away with me, but I dared not consent. Kun away ? To where? He would have gone too far, and I should never have been able to return. Ah, me! (sadly) it is better as it is. At our last interview he quitted me in an angry mood, because he thought I spoke unkindly to him. Yet what was Ido? For the sake of those I love, for my own good name, I was bound to speak out plainly, and tell him he was too bold, too daring, too venturesome. Had I yiclded to him, could we have ever got on well together? Impossible! When I look back to the time I had with him in Egypt, how headstrong he was, how obstinate! (During the above soliloquy while she been lost in meditation the stage darkens, ominous gusts of wind are heard, the waves gradually increase). What do I see! The sea is siting fast! Heavens! Itisa Conservative tidal wave ... . I had he it icted .... But I didn’t believe it... . (Starts up, and looks about wildly.) .... The Waves! More awful than those I remember in ‘74... . (The sea rises quickly.) Ha! I am being lifted off my feet—I can use the camp-stool as a life-buoy ... . lt will still support me. If Ican but gain the point....No! It has disappeared! (Despairingly.) Iam lost! lost! (Waves her hand- kerchief frantically above zs head. The water has now risen nearly to her shoulders.) Help! Help! If only Grigs could see me... . « Ah! .... (Sinks, battling with the waves. At the same instant Giles appears on the County shore. He carries a leaping- pole.) Giles. Oi heerd a ery for help! Can it be Jammma ihe catches sight of her as she rises a se time, clinging to the camp-stool.) Tis she! Howtoreach her! Ha! this leoping- pole which she herself gave me—Jamrma! Jamrma! Oi coome! (i'll save thee, lass, or perish in the attempt! (Springs across from Conservative County|Shore, a alights en Laberal Rock, as Jamia rises struggling for the third time. Calling to her.) Howd on to this! Quick! (Extends leaping-pole. She clutches it eagerly. Howdon! Oi were just in the nick o’ time. Jamima (gasping). Ha! At last! Gres, my own! m jloved one! I knew—I—could—trust—you! Saved! Saved! Saved! ! ! [Guxs drags Jamia on to the rock, and out of danger. She Saints in his arms. Curtain. !| Cay vor rue ApvocatTes or ANNUAL Partiaments.—Short Commons. ms

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NYO GAL ‘UdIL HHL AO ' ih ‘i Hii my) | H i YO HONDd IYVAIYVHO NOUNO)] AHL da NSO

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Decempgr 12, 1885,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL GLADSTONIUS. (Extract from a Classic Poem.) 2 as BAL ORG »\( \ And the Zimes’ Leader-writers * * . > Bot with a crash like thunder pause Fel] many a loosened ‘* plank,” To trim their well worn quills. a a dam,* the Grand Old ® ° , an Made for the County Bank. **O Voter, Rural Voter, Buthislimbs were borne up bravely By the brave heart within, And the Good Raral Voter Bore bravely up his chin. To whom we Liberals pray, . . . ° A Liberal’s life and policy And now he feels the bottom, Take thou in charge this| Now on dry earth he stands, ay!” ‘ Now round him throng the So he spake, and speaking, fas- Lib’rals, tened | To press his muddy hands. The well-worn mackintosh, . rs ° - And, with Welsh flannel on his | They gave him an umbrella-stand ack, In record of the fight, Plunged Hodgewards in the And twelve stout stand-up collars slosh. o wear from morn till night. ° ° They gave him gay enias And when above the turmuts | For buttonholes, I vow, They see his drooping gills; | And CHaMBERLAINUS promised From the Reform came him applause, | “Three Acres and a Cow!” © There is something like this in MacavLAy’s Lays :— * And, like a dam, the mighty wreck,” &c. The Two Obadiahs. Mr. Isaac Horpen, in his seventy-eighth year, has won a splendid victory for the Liberals in Yorkshire. His son, Mr. A. HoLpEN, has won a seat in Bradford. It is pleasant to think that, in this par- ticular case, the difficulty anticipated in distinguishing Members by the nomenclature of their Constituencies will notexist. The Members for the Keighley Division of the West Riding of Yorkshire and for the Eastern Division of Bradford will, of course, be known respec- tively as the ’Olden and the Young ’un. That Cow Again! Our Jox thinks that Wealth is too Tory by half. How can one account for it, how, That the hot devotees of the Golden Calf Turn their backs on the Brummagem ‘‘ Cow” ? A Harry Rervrn or tHe Day.—When the excellent Justice of that name recovered from his indisposition. THE GRAND OLD MINSTREL. Morning.—News of my singing ‘Home Sweet Home,” at the Orphanage, seems to have caused intense interest in the country. Fifty-six letters on subject to-day. Perhaps, after all, it was a mis- take vs to hardy Scots have sung ’em national ditties instead, Hennent suggests, “ with bagpipes accompaniment.” Yes, certainly, bagpipes! Capital idea. a mind to write to Edinburgh Committee, and offer to give em a new (Musical) Midlo- thian Campaign—shall practise ** Scots Wha Hae” to-night. Enterprising American Theatre Manager writes to ask if I’m open to an engagement to sing ‘‘ The Last Rose of Summer,” at ten guineas a night, between first and second Acts of Othello. Says it would be sure to bring down house. He could, if I preferred it, in- troduce “‘ Hush-a-Bye, Baby” into Ii Trovatore, only it would be best with a few alterations, topical allusions, &o. ; he sends two lines for a specimen :— ** Hush-a-bye, CHAMBERLAIN, just for a bit ! When the Rads rant, the Party will split,” &c. Don't see my way to this, somehow. Flattering note from organiser of Ballad Concerts, Says he’s going to have an “ Irish Night” soon, and recommends me to tise Moore's Melodies, and the ‘‘ Exile of Erin,” with what he calls its “* beautiful refrain of Erin-go-Bragh.” Erin hang! I say. And this after Parwett’s atrocious ingratitude ! dhall write to sa (ve had enough Irish Melodies for some time—my next ‘ Iris Night” will came Be in the House, and then won't the ‘‘ Exiles from Erin” repent that Circular! Mid-Day.—Found a voice a trifle husky, so went to Village School to practise it. Schoolmaster seemed surprised to see me. Had to interrupt his lesson in Animal Biology, but said it ‘‘ didn’t matter at all.” Got his class to take up chorus while I sang Dr. Warrs’s charming Ballad of the “ s / ee,” which Steruen's Organist has just set to music for me. Noticed some of the children a little in- attentive—others put their fingers in their ears and made faces— afraid my voice must have been very —~ § However, after sing- ing ‘* Busy Bee” for a couple of hours, I left amid enthusiastic cheers from little girls and boys. Curious they should cheer more when I go than when I arrive. Shows magic of personal influence, I suppose. After Lunch.—Deputation of Cheshire Liberals just called. Seemed despondent. Wanted to know what I thought of Elections. Also wanted some ‘cheerful message from Hawarden” to carry back with them. Reminds me of a “ Pretty Present from Scarborough.” Co-morrow’s polling-day, it seems, in Western Division of county. Told Cheshire Liberals I had exhausted politics up in Midlothian, but if they liked I’d sing them ‘‘ Pop go the Counties !”’ to the tune of ‘‘ Pop goes the Weasel!” asa duet with Mrs. Guapstone. Cheshire Liberals didn’t seem to take to idea, Asked, doubtfully, if my son had any reference to Disestablishment, or Three Acres and a Cow None whatever, I told them, but there’s a nice little song I was practising, about how a Cow jumped, or tried to jump, over the Moon, which I should be happy to sing to them on the spot. Cheshire ee suddenly found they had to catch a train, and went off urriedly. ; Later.—Maust really interrupt little boys and girls at e school again. Can’t practise songs with choruses anywhere else, and Hersert’s done such a screaming parody of “ Mary had a little Lamb.” The first verse goes like — Lowrner told a little cram, How Trade was sure to go ; But everywhere where LowrueER went The Voters all said ‘“‘No.” &c. Rosenery (who’s staying here) says he thinks a breakdown dance introduced into song would improve it. omy | surprised at Rosxr- peRY. Ask him to accompany me to village school. Says he’s got such a pes toothache he doesn’t like to. Query.—Is a mere excuse Evening.—Enjoyed myself at school tremendously just now. Don’t know if children did, however. Message brought from Village schoolmaster. Says there’s a mutiny in school. It seems his pupils have locked him into a coal-cellar, and won’t let him out, unless he promises “not to have any more choruses.” Says ‘‘ he himeelf admires my voice immensely, and thinks it beats Sims Rexves hollow but his scholars don’t.” en why doesn’t he whip his scholars, i want toknow? Orphans the best, afterall. ' End up day with practising Lady Girranp's charming song of “ I’m sitting on a Stile, Mary,” and go to bed hoarser than ever. New Spretiinc.—Mr. Cuoampertarn’s Radical Programme is not to the taste of the Moderate Liberals, who, with a view to a coalition and his utter discomfiture, proclaim their hope of being “* Whig- Our or Prace.—CurpEks, ex-M.P. for Pontefract. Tory-ous in the future!” Ol i ea et ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decempzr 12, 1885 Sp al Wore, — by N am. \\ “ i om yt), Hy " A\ , ‘ ~ wh /; / —— (@ a= Ala ” “ \\v P ay GAN “ HARD HIT.” (Adapted from the well-known Picture by W. Q. Crehardson, R.A.) ( fi NN _

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ets | Decemper 12, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VMUs/ / ib rs a ‘é DIRECTIONS,” Scotch Village Practitioner (to Northern Farmer’, ‘‘Eey tax Luxnow Doacrer”—(His Patient had been South to consult a great Specialist )—** Li NO ALLOW YE WHUSKEY, AN’ YE CAN TAK’ NOwT BUT Reep WINE, THEER JUST TWA LL DAB YE ONY GUID—AN’ YELL MIND 0’ THEM, FOR THEY 'RE BAITH MoNosEELAWBIO !—Poor-R-T AN’ CLAIR-R-T!!” OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Glamour (published by Swawn, Sonnenscuetw & Co.), a Novel, by Wanpberer.—As this is a fairly interesting plot, but too much spun out, the Author may be congratulated on the non de plume of “ WanpEkER” which he has selected. To those who remember the old-fashioned saying, ‘“‘ Well, wanders will never cease,” the fact that in this instance they are limited to three volumes, is as great a consolation as was given by one of Frank TaLrourp’s characters in some burlesque, who, on being informed that ° ** The King, alas! is wandering in his mind,” replies— ** He can’t go far, the space is too confined.”’ Eminent Doctors, 2 Vols. (Joun Hoae, Pablisher), by G. T. Ber- TANY, and we may bet any money that a more interesting book on the subject will not easily be found. It is to be specially recom- mended to obstinate and unreasonable Anti-vivisectionists. The whole book is generally instructive, and that about Jenner specially 80. What a Chamberlainite Jenner would have been if Josepnus the Radical had been his contemporary, and in Jenwen’s struggling days, during his first enthusiasm for vaccination, had offered him ‘the Three Acres and a Cow.” How delighted Jenner would have been, and how celebrated the cow would have become in history ! A Crristuas CAroL by Cuantes Dickens has been published by Rovriepers’ in the very convenient, well got up, and most readable form which we praised in mentioning the volume of Hoon’s Comic Poems of this same series. The only fault is that the pages not only require cutting, a sufficient nuisance at any time—but most careful cutting too, as the seem folded sometimes one way, sometimes another, so that unless the reader has plenty of leisure and a good stock of patience, he will make a nice mess of a very pretty book. “* Cassell’s Red Libraty,” containing, up to now, works of Leven, Lytrox, Dickens, Irvine, Scort, and selections from American Humorists, is ano Cae cor ger Excellent type, handy size, but not intended to be pocketable, unless for a pocket. Good name “‘ The fo, oo book being bound in red, and, what is more, bound to be THE PHILOSOPHER OUT. Reflections of a Defeated Candidate, Or course I shall look small for a time at the Club, and shan’t be able to swagger quite so much before acquaintances and relatives. But shall I really care ? i Shan’t I be precious glad to escape that penal servitude down at the House every night f—and rejoice to know that I haven't got to pass hours on hours in those confounded Committee Rooms / After all, was I ever likely to make a figure in the House ? Had I, in fact, ever opened my mouth in it? And do I think I ever should have opened my mouth in it ? Do I really then envy my political opponent his seat ? ‘ Won't be have to be slaving about the constituency when I’ma ree man Won't he have to be sitting up to the small hours in the morning, when |’m in bed and fast asleep Won’t he be tied officially by the leg when I’m off for the Moors ? Shall I then be down in the mouth because I have come in at the bottom of the Poll ? : No, certainly not. But still, while I philosophise, shan’t I look forward to getting in next time ? Rhyme by a Newcastle Radical. Ovr Cowen rebels at the Caucus’s yoke And declares his resolve to weigh anchor ; Well, Joz’s a good sort, but it’s rather a joke To hear Aim complaining of rancour / Wuew Mr. Grapsrowe next officiates as Reader in Hawarden Established Chureh, he will bably gre a sigh of relief when he says, “ Hore endeth the first Lesson.” t has been a pretty severe one.

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288 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decemamn 12, 1885, SORROWS OF A METROPOLITAN CANDIDATE, Tue Fovare. Tue agonies of the awful night that followed my friend's fearful revelation I shall never forget. I dreamt that I was imprisoned in Her Majesty’s gaol of Newgate as, I was informed, a first-class Miscreant, which necessitated my wearing the prison uniform, and submitting to the most unnecessary degradation of having my hair eut. My locks being rather sparse, than superabundant, I naturally resisted, when the clock from the neighbouring Church of St. Sepulchre announced the arrival of the two Sheriff's, in full state- dress, to witness the execution of the solemn ceremony, and I made such a final desperate effort to save my favourite front curl—which I cultivate in memory of a celebrated deceased Earl—that I awoke in a profase perspiration, to find my alarmed attendant ing me violently, u the impression that I was in a fit! myself hurriedly, told my man to pack my trunk for a somewhat lengthy run abroad, and then sent off a note to my Agent informing him of my awful discovery, and of my determination to at once go away,on the ground of my health having suddenly broken down under the unwonted excitement of the last months. Having made certain necessary arrangements, of a n character, I was busily engaged in consulting a Continental Bradshaw when my Agent hurried breathlessly in. He brought with hima copy of the awfal Act that is such a terror to all Candidates and Agents alike, and proved conclusively, to my supreme satisfaction, that the clause that had caused me such a night of agony did not apply to me, but merely to any of my friends who might, out of — to me, have as I had done! e also brought me the somewhat startling intelligence that our litical opponents, trusting to the division in our ranks, etermined to start a Candidate of their own wrong way of thinking. Seeing that I had looked rather downcast at this serious intimation, he hastened to demonstrate to me that this y improved my chance of success, somewhat in this fashion. There were some 6000 Electors duly enrolled on the Parliamentary Register of my District, as qualified to vote at the ensuing Election. Deducting from that number the customary ten per cent. for Prisoners, Invalids, Lunatics, Absconding Debtors, and the like, remained 5400 free and independent Electors, whose sweet voices I had been soliciting for the last three months. While there were but two Candidates it would necessarily y— 2701 votes to ensure a majority, while with three Candidates, of course 1801 would suffice for the obtaining of that end and object of my laudable ambition, constituting a saving of no less than 900 in the number of votes necessary to obtain the same result. With this cheering news ringing in my ears | at once countermanded all my instructions n to a contemplated prolonged absence, and = 7 busied my in that mass of correspondence, con- nected with inquiries concerning my political opinions, which I had spent weeks in a vain endeavour to overtake, and retired early to rest fatigued, but radiant with hope. Nothing particular occurred during the next week. We were making, I was assured, slow but steady progress, and in about another fortnight I should, in all human proba- ility, be entitled to be addressed with the ic letters M.P. after my humble name. But on the following Monday I received a very fomidable-looking epistle addressed from the —— Club, which I rused with the profoundest astonishment. It informed me that the olitical Committee of the Club were taking quite an absorbing interest in my Election, and that one of the Whips of the party would give me a call on the following day just to talk mattersover. It was marked—see no one in the meantime, I read the letter over and over again with mingled feelings of gratification and doubt, great gratifi- cation at the honour conferred upon me, slight doubt as to the result. The next day I was visited by, | think, without any exception, the pleasantest, the jolliest, in every respect the most agreeable and gentlemanly man [ ever saw. He began bya i i parent intrasion, for which, orders from head-q excuse, then rattled on about what a jolly thing it was to be an M.P. provided you get into the right set. How pleasures and palaces tempted one to roam, what jolly parties the Prince gave, asked what I thought of the Mikado, had I seen graceful Kare in Excelsior, the grandest Ballet of modern times, and finally, was he in time for Lanch ? He rattled on all lunch-time, and then rose to leave, and actuall his hat with a joke about our meeting again in an- other p ventured to remind him that he had not mentioned the object of his visit, when he laughed and said that was just like him, though after all i that as it was most desirable to make my Candidates for it, it was, of course, retire, and he had therefore come to ponent, who were both on the right side, Of course there was no doubt, from what he had path 5 peeks y hed" iy it was acme orm, would just si agreement, whi him to save trouble, would doubtless be all or expressed my surprise at this sudden suggestion and the absolute necessity of consulting my Agent, when he laughed again, and said, **T suppose he’s a Lawyer, and presume you know name of the god of a Lawyer's idolatry—Costs, so that would be a mere waste of time and a large addition to his little Bill.” Seeing that | still hesitated, he said that there could not possibly be a better introduction to public life than to oblige your Party, nor a& worse one than to refuse them a favour, and thatif I were the stronger Candidate, I should win in any case, and if the weaker, lose. I need oniy add that [ at length si the agreement, and we parted with mutual professions of good-will, and gratifying anticipations of many a pleasant meeting in store. I draw a veil over my interview with my astounded Agent, who used language that both surprised and pained me. Suffice it to say, that I named my referees, and so did my opponent, and after four days of mental anxiety, and foar nights of almost sleepless misery, I received the decision which, to my unspeakable astonishment, was against —_ I * * >. . * * I soaght the sunny shores of the Mediterranean a wiser, a sadder, and a poorer man, but I have this consolation, here at any rate | am at peace, there is no Postman’s knock to send a shudder through iary | every nerve, and the Sorrows of the Ex-Metropolitan Candidate are at an end! A STEEL PEGASUS. [* Poets take to tricycling in the intervals of inspiration.’’—Daily Tele- graph, December 3rd | Sreance things I’ve witnessed in | And one who’s a churchwarden, re time an ee , In all kinds of society— A popular parishioner ! ’Twould puzzle me to put in| Philanthropists regarding folks rhyme, With just a grain of charity; Their infinite variety ! A wit who laughed at others’ I’ve seen a Beadle, underfed, jokes, ‘ or Devoid of all pomposity ; ith some sign of hilarity ! A Magistrate quite off his head, | And once I saw a cleverold By reason of jocosity ; Good Bishop on a bieycle— A gentleman—delightfal, bland, But never yet did I behold, An Income-tax Commissioner, A Poet ona Tricycle! ABBEY THOUGHT—AT ST. ALBAN’S, Str E. Becxetr has been pulling down a Norman turret at St. Alban’s, and apparently alarming Mr. James Neatz, F.S.A. That gentleman, writing to the Times, referring to the conduct of the worthy Baronet in question, observes, ‘‘ that as he is the only person who has any authority at St. Alban’s, there being no Com- mittee, and the Bishop and Clergy having no power, where will the destruction end if he does not interfere?” It is impossible, of course, to answer this question. It appears, from Mr. Neae's re- rt, that “‘the springer beneath” the turret shows the original orman design at the end of the transept, and that as they had stood for eight hundred years, there is no reason why they should not have stood eight hundred years more. The “ springer” beneath the turret being in such , and evidently active condition, cer- tainly suggests “life in the old stone yet,” and does not seem to warrant demolition. Still, there are springers and springers, and in this case Sir E. Becker appears to have sprung a mine on the de- fenceless Bishop and Clergy ; and Mr. Neve concludes his oommuni- cation by stating, appealingly, ‘* Other ions of the building are being pulled down as I write this.” This is quite pathetic, but it is difficult to see who is to help him; and it is only to be hoped that Sir E. Becxerr’s restoring zeal will be satisfied when the offending springer is secured and removed. Lorp Raxpours the other day quoted Bos locutus est, and added that he meant Boss spelt with double s, to be taken as an Ameri- canism for Chief or Master, in allusion to Mr. GLapstone. Bos locutus est recently, and that Bos is the Raral Voter. Trvra is disposed to think that the rejection of Earl Percy for the Berwick Division of Northumberland, was due to the personal un- popularity of the Duke and of “his Agent, Mr, Swowsatt.” The case is clear; black ball against Snowball. Summary or wHat THe New AecriccrtvraL VoTeR DID FOR THE LineraL Pantry.—‘‘ Honer’s Best.” Tur New Commanver-tw-Curer.—The General Election. €@ TO OORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the

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AIKMAN & CO, EDIN/URGH. Estasissnrp 1611 Cheques crossed Roya! Bank of Scotland. COLD MEDAL, PARTS EXHIBITION, 1878. KINAHAN’S «sr cxn« PURE Rie AND WHISK1ES” penieaat ve LL ss WHISKY. M Ww HOLESOMR. THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865. 20, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET, LONDON, W. CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTIA EXHIBITION, lem. 8s. the Gall ; 50s. the Doz Cannisce Paw. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N.W. BOTTLING 8TORES— Bioomesury Manstow, Haar Sraerr, W.C. Agents for Indisa—CUTLER, PALMER, & CO. CORK DISTILLERIES COMPANY GIX PRIZE MEDALS FOR ISH WHISKY. First Prise Medal, Philadelphia, tie; Oo 4 Medal, Paris, is74 First Prize Medal, Sydney, 1879; Three !’size Medals, Cork , 1683 “WERY fine, full flavor and Good Spirit “—Jurors’ A ward, Philadciphia Centennia! Exhibition, 1876 “PNQUESTION ABLY as fine specimen as one could wish to see.”— Jurors’ Award, Cork Exhibition, 1883. 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at 3 wre aa abbbbbiiiiinde Twrrry ve weve PUBLISHED every SATURDA'Y. English Society at Home. G. eee Pictures of Our People. CHARLES KEENE, 4 Section of Four Hundred, | Pictures of Life and Character. Joun Leecu. Thousand Sketches, » wl we: 2 Vols., Half Morocco. £4 4 0 Brown, Jones, and Robinson, Ricuarp Dovie. 7% Ferien Zour, ) Filates on India Taser Du Maurier. ly v - 4110 12) HU i A ne ep i . sas Si Mh ‘ il SiN | Hirt mes nis f i Wi Wy) NN ae ex et Sh aS) ce Fy ft a fe ar EIGHTY- NINE. “ ss OE eee DECEMBER 19, P= ate = eel gi ~~ an 2.9) at > taba (rr A A i \ : "a. “2 x | lk m" n NI anid seks. & Ce, Wan RTA %: PUNCH as 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. « | Manners & Customs of YeEnglyshe. Ricuarp Dovie. “ips Diary” 0 sag Comic History of England. A’BEckettT. 7" 2006) tustrationn . . £019 0 Comic History of Rome. A’Bacuart: Ft Ee stems. -o 00-90 Handley Cross Series of Sporting Works. 7" “wks Colwed sie tomens 6 “SONSd 334NHL BOI oe es x — = ss

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decewsen 19, 1885. ”—«ighth: Thomennd ” Now ready, price 6s. CER ST KING SOLOMON’s MINES. ISTMAS S PRESENTS legend’ by RIDER HaceakD. — Those 2 eB, frie 4 Silver Fittings, The Saturday Review says:—“We would ve many novels say eight hundred (that about the yearly harvest), for such a book as ‘ King Solomon's Mines.’” ‘ ASSELL a comr ANY, Leo " GHRISTMAS AND WEW YEAR'S CIFTS. (CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE of GIFT BOOKS contains parti culere of « large variety of NEW and STANDARD WORKS euitable for Presentation, published at vices ranging from One ®hilling to Guineas mt Post Pree on application CASSELL & ©O., 1 Ludgate

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Vide Press, adapted (em bon poi curvatu: nts, &.), iro H's READ be. or ie Dressmak ' stamped EST, er) * feels men, &e. LEFFIELD UREOL our so my less. Pr rfumers 4, R. Hore: Londen, W, cetive FO AR” ADE TANTLY sIDENCEL ver or in iJ et out ; a Pate + Compan ound ev ory, and » instant! | Deckwsan 19, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 289 OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. THERE is an interesting article, in The Fortnightly Magazine of this month, by{Lady Drxxg, entitled ‘‘ France under Richelieu.” It is amusing to be reminded how the Great Cardinal dealt with the Academicians, and made them vote exactly as he wished, just at this moment when Baron ALPHONSE DE RoruscHiLp has been elected a member of the French Academy, on account of the use he has made of his vast wealth for encouragement of Art. What view would Ricwetrev have taken of the candidature of the Semitic Millionnaire? Perhaps the Cardinal would have recommended the Olympians to provide a seat among the Wits and Liferati for the Plutocrat as a Jew d’esprit. This would at once have given him the necessary qualification. opos of the Fortnightly, we are very glad to know that its able Editor, Mr. Escort, has recovered from his recent severe illness, and is now only in need of some few weeks’ rest and change, ia order to complete his cure. _ In the Nineteenth Century, Professor Huxtey deals with Mr. Giap- stonr’s Dawn of Creation, and bowls over its eminent author as easily as if he were a rickety nine-pin. The Professor does it so pleasantly, too, and yet most effect , genially lecturing the Ex-Premier on the absurdity of dealing with subjects on which other people are as well, and indeed better, informed than himself. It is a warning to the Wersatile Woodman not to trespass on the ground at present held by the Professor and his scientific allies, where they are quite at home, but where even such a universal ius as the Wersatile Woodman of Hawarden is only a rashintruder. Professor Hvx.ey’s rebuke of such temerity is the more valuable, as it comes with all the special authority which Pe experience of having done exactly the same thing himeelf, and having been floored by Mr. St. Gzorer Mrvart—Bravo St. Georer v. Dragon!—can give. Of course, Mr. Giapstone’s article in the Nineteenth, was on a matter as entirely out of his line as Theology and Patristic learning are out of Professor Hox ey’s; and while not claiming to speak with the authority of ‘‘one who knows,” Mr. GLapsTone inconsistently assumed the tone of a writer whose opinions on any subject must be worthy of all attention. Mr. Huxtey comes in between Mr. Giapstrone and M. Rf£vIexg, not as an impartial referee, but asa Mephistopheles running in under Révriie-Faust’s arm, and piercing the very weak case of GiapstonE- Valentine. The Wersatile Woodman had better leave Genesis alone, and confine himself to an exegesis on the authenticity and genuineness of the story of JosepH with his ‘‘ Three Acres and Cow ;”’ or, if he will drop into poetry, let him sing ** Homer, Homer Sweet, Sweet Homer,” and stick to the works of that distinguished Greek Poet,—who has always been the Early Bard that cate the Wersatile Woodman. There is an amusing article in Zhe Cornhill, on ‘“‘ Sua e English,” in which the Editor—evidently the Editor, Author of Payn- ful Literary Reminiscences, Low Spirits, Buy a Prory and a few other novels, to the extent of twenty dozen or so,—gives it warm to modern pedants who say and write ‘‘ Camella” instead of Camelia, and with “‘ in the circumstances” for ‘‘ under the circumstances,” and soforth. Then he instances the old difficulty about ‘‘ The two first Chapters,” which is very common, and “ the two first Norman Kings,” which is very uncommon, as who ordinarily talks about Nor- man Kings at all ? pedant objects, says Mr. Parn, that “‘ there cannot conceivably be two first,” and then he retorts ‘* Nonsense! we can have fifty firsts, if the eo people so wills it.” We don’t quite Fo with Mr. Payn here. There can be “‘ fifty first persons,”’ all equal, in the first line of battle, or in the first row of the stalls. But how can the ign will of the people make fifty first Kings? The sovereign will of the people can do a great many idiotic things, and this may be one of them. Mr. Payw does not confute his pedant with an Academic example, which ought to have come to his hand at once; for, he could have asked, if there can’t be aa fam," how is it that a University man can take “‘ a double- rs In a race there can be a dead heat of two first horses, and so, if there are three volumes, cannot the pedant have the lot thrown at hi ead, and the couple that hit the mark together will be the two first volumes? Then, as to the ‘‘ Infant Phenomenon,” which, Mr. Payw considers, has made its mark on the literature of the country, clearly because CoaRLEs Dickens created her in Nicholas Nickleby. Mr. Parw says that the pedants object to the ‘‘ Infant Phenomenon.” But it is not the pedant alone who will question the propriety of applying the “‘ Infant Phenomenon” to a girl, for didn’t Mrs. Rams- Bottom Junr., observe, when she heard her niece use the term, ‘‘ My dear, you must remember that a girl is the feminine gender, there- fore, what you ought to have said is, that she is an ‘‘ Infant Pheno- mena.” Superfine English as she is ‘‘ spoke” and written would bear further illustration at the hands of the Cornhill Magazinist, How To piscoveR THE Rea Masority rn THE Hovse or Com- muons.—(By a Rejected Cynic).— Count the Duffers ! A BALLAD OF THE GREAT ELECTION BATTLE. Decemper, 1885. (Some way after Drayton's Ballad of Agincourt.) Farr stood the wind (we thought), Ere the great fight was fought, Much hoping, fearing nought, n marched our heroes. But when, whilst banners flew, First Orange closed with Blue, Our hopes soon tumbled to Chillest of zeros ! When in his height of pride, Jon did the foe deride, _ And ‘*‘ Ransom ”’ loudly cried, Many offending; _ When he forgot the while Rob Roy's not English style, Crcrt did darkly smile, Mischief portending. And, tarning to his men, Quoth our sage WILLIAM ‘* Bearded in our own den ? I am amazéd ! But battles ill began By pluck are often won. Cloxe ranks, and fight like fun! Jor has gone crazéd, ‘* But for myself,” quoth he, This my last fight may be. England will mock at me, No more esteem me, If vanquished I remain In this great fray fall slain : Close up, and charge i Loss to redeem me! ‘* * Righty’ our foes may tell, When most their pride did swell, Under our swords they fell, Not less our skill is when great Ben we beat ; That conquest we ’ll repeat If you but follow fleet One standard—Wir1t1r’s!” Jox, sulking, hung his head, WILLIAM to vanward spe And the whole phalanx led, Flushed with past glories, Hartrvarton had the rear No braver man was there, Oh, Lord! how hot they were On the proud Tories! Well it thine age beam, waa, of warlike fame, Who did the signal aim To our thinned forces ; Whilst, from a meadow by, With a low bovine cry, County Democracy Swelled our resources. Down hurled the rustic crew. Then soon the foeman knew, These new recruits were true, If they were tardy. Upwards Blue polls went, Down were the Orange sent, And the foe’s host was rent, Though late so hardy. This while the Uncrown’d King, His Erse axe brandishing, Down on our rear did ding As to o’erwhelm it. Forward still WiL1e went, Though with much blood besprent, Whilst many a cruel dent Bruised his old helmet. Jor to his standard stood Cow or, field vert. hol gee ia Cried he, in swelling mood, “ Where's another ?”’ Though bat « youmaish Keight ugh but a youn ght, Yet in that furious fight Raised a rare r. Drvxe held a stubborn pike, Haxcovrt as Thor did strike, Smiting down smashers like mer on anvil ; Moruzr his axe did ply, a and young -- a re them right doughtily, Dersy and Granvit_e! All in December grey Fought was this wondrous fray. Brave Britons, as when they Lopped the French lilies! Acts these to fill a pen! Must not all Englishmen Hope we may breed again Hearts like Auld WiLtte’s ? WRITE AND WRONG. Tue onslaught of the Advanced Economists on expenditure has not been long in making itself felt. Meeting, on Wednesday last the School Board At the General r. Barnes proposed, and the Reverend CHARLes Lawrence seconded, a motion to cut off at one fell swoop the salary of £300 paid to the Seer the suggestion the proposition wi of the Chairman, couplin that official could Veer well manage all his correspondence himself. To this the Reverend Joszrn Dicote, the Chairman in q , demurred, and was — e ported in his objection by Mr. Buxton, who said he considered t whole business, to call a spade a spade, a regular dig at the authority of the Chair, and that it was an attempt to subject Mr. Dicote to infra dig. conditions. The motion was lore event lost, there being a majority of thirty against it; it being no doubt the rd that £300 opinion of the a-year for r. Diaoie’s could not be regarded in the light of prodiggle expenditure. Too Bad! Tue Election, itself, was a hideous bore. Which moved us to wrath, yet we strove to restrain it. But what makes a fellow with anger boil o’er, Are the fellows, with figures, who want to explain it ! “Tar Newpecate Paize,”—A Peerage, VOL, 1XXz31x

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220 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —————_ |Decemeze 19, 18865, OUR WHEEL OF FORTUNE. (By our Sperial Book marker.) | t | \ Dame Fortune, exhausted, has gone off to lunch, In charge of her Wheel she has left Mr. Punch. So all you good children in want of a Prize, To souly to that worthy, I’d ly advise ; And if you want Bonbons, or The pictures of painters, the ballads of bards, To merry old Punch you must make an appeal,— In short, you must speak to the Man at the Wheel ! I. To Kuxestey’s Water Babies must we give a foremost place, Where Samsounne plies the pencil with indisputable grace ! ————____ > i ep — mae Np) iis Rh / mm Yliode A hundred illustrations, all most admirably done, So wondrous in variety, so brimming o’er with fun: The artist loved his author well—I’m willing to engage— So exuberant the fancy is that frolics o’er the page ! A rare sea-story Sranwes tells, ’tis called from Pole to Pole ; Btill Peter Parley’s Annual—at Forty-six—is droll ! Stirring Stories, by MacavLay, are odaiedi ly told, Thrown on the World, by Hopper, does a touching tale unfold. From Tanyard to the White House is a book you ought to The Tuaren's story of the life of Grant is excellent indeed.

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Decemszn 19, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. The New River, by Frrzerszon, no doubt is bound to And Coxn’s’ Life, Love, and Legend, too, amid the Japanese. For — and George, by ApAms writ, a tale of ’Forty- ve— The interest of the reader to the end is kept alive : And — _~ Folk and Fairy Tales—you’re sorry when it’s done, So quaintly are ‘the stories told by Mrs, Hartson. Pym's A B C’s delightfa), and therein will .children see The bitter pill of Kaowledge gilt anes as thickly as can be! And in a pa how they ’il listen to the easy-flowing song Mrs. Panton sweetly sings to cheer the children's hour alon, They will ‘carly love Dame Marjorie—with Mesdamee Buane and Mices, They vad haunt her chimney-corner, and gaze upon its Miss Pivsxert will be welcomed, and her book be voted prime— There’s a fand of rare amusement in her Merry Games in Rhyme. Dean’s picture-books for tiny mites will ever welcome how There ’s yom Life, Domestic Life, The Soldier's IT. Can wr , eens of Bards tell us what's ‘‘on the Twould. thon the craftiest rhymer To e’en tell you a part of the rare works of Art That come from the famed HitpEsneiIMeEs ! Exxe AND Sporriswoope send good designs without en With calendars, mottoes, and others ; Twill deligh t you, I know, to see the rare show m3 ~ brought out by Davipson Brotuers! “y yon high — accord to the great Maxcvs Waxzp, ‘0 ings” you’ll give an ovation! And “3 i think you’re in luck, when receiving from His holes mirrors and plush decoration ! BERNHARD OLLENDORFF, too, you must _ in review, With his mistletoe, Christmas, and holl Those from Sockt, you know, and WrrtH Broruers & Co., You will find are uncommonly jolly ! I fain would harangue of the wonders from Parana, And Ackermawnn’s dainty devices ; And Brenner's “* Visette,” which you i'll never forget, Or Natuan, who always 80 nice is At Misco marvels you il look, and the beauties from CooxE, Pariiipp, Barep, and the rest of the legion ; Who, —_ picture and rhyme, at this bright Christmas- Help to hens up our Card-iae Region ! ~ how gladly » yon wil will prize Diaries from De ta Rog! Br Dora a a ow gladly you prize ! All the lore that in them lies— Mighty useful ’tis to you! > how aon ey — 7 will prize £ 1a Rue! IV. But Christmas is coming, and with it Come marvellous ues from SransonA1 PANE! Tom Suiru he comes , and brings, I Se pe —_ quaintest of Crackers of varied desi 80 ay en to all _ — | boys, With Ces, an charm erful Toys.— My Banjo io brokes ts rather a bare-— Imagine the rest,—I can’t sing any more! re = jouw Ynsan said Yo Pek 28 Mall Gazette, N | its yl rt No o ve ures on his easel at the ea If big pltare, what a DIG AND GROW SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE. Dick. ‘‘1'’ve cucse wy Tarez AckEs—nexr TO THE Parson's, I MEAN TO Waree AVE YOU CHOSE yours!” I sHAN’T GROW NO 'TaTERS. *TaTERS, Harry. “1 aw’t CHOSE XO Lanr. I sHALL TAKE YOUR “Tareas | 1’ Grann punetili that the information would — to this sort of large easel ! Yes, Gas then, whes a quack Acti NEVER! “On thing, at least, this election has proved—that the Tory Party can never, under any conceivable circumstances, have a majority in the House of Commons.”"—Sir W. Harcourt, in the “‘Times”’ of December 11. O Sir WILLIAM, you are cocksure, and so very, ore clever | That one hardly likes to doubt you, but a long, | ong day is ‘‘ Never!” How the T: ost must tremble, when they hear, on your authority, Henceforth they may abandon every hope of a msjorit, What a gimlet-eye is yours, Sir—w at a grindstone-piercing goggle | Won't you tell us, while you’re at it, some few things at — wo boggle ? Cast your eye into the future, and inform us, if you P Whether Hones, three centuries hence, me bag Jozu—or C mar ? Whether after—say a thousand—years of Radical | ame That long-lived ghoul, Reaction, m ay not visit the Democracy : If when—after Armageddon—in Millennial bliss we — us, The Primrose League will be entirely banished by the Caucus. Tell us this, my ee Sir Witu1aM, and a few more little matters, Sach as what will be Rad action when our earth some comet batters ? When the Glacial Epoch comes back, and the Nile to ice is frozen, Will the Liberal Foreign Policy be one—or ome dozen ? And when this Earth, a cinder or an icicle, goes spinning, Will the Liberals or the Tories have the fairer chance wioning ? Tell us this—of course you can, Sir, for you are so clever ! And we’ll trust our great Sir Oracle and his * Never!” In Questiowaste Suape.—From the Court Circular, Times, Deo. 11th:— “The Hon. Lady Bropvtru and Colonel the Hon. W. 8. Home, Commanding Ist. of the Battalion Grenadier Guards, had the honour of being invited, &., ke.” What military rank then, has the Hon. Lady who shares the command --dear Guards ny Colonel aos Sweet Home? We don’t stand , as Mrs Mi ye and we may be wrong in igible had there bee been a stop put thing,—say a comma at ye Teak when the reader gets to Home, he ought not to find one at Home.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. a [DecemBer 19, 1885,

“GOING IT”—RATHER! (Prom Toole's Theatre to the Pavilion.) ‘‘ Jonn~wre comes marching home again, hooroar!” which means that Mr. Jonw Lawrence Toore has marched and arrived at his little Theatre in King William Street, whither he has brought a new Farcical Play in Three Acts, by one Joun Manpprson Mortow, author of Box and Coz, two characters who have superseded Balbus and Caius in classical education, and whose duologue is now taught in our schools, as used to be the scene between Brutus and Cassius. The Farce which is », founded on the Greek , of Democritus, Bofos «al Kofos, a fragment of which may be seen ll in the Bouncerian Museum, has been translated into all known and unknown languages, and has enjoy K. popularity rare accorded to the wor of an ae dur- in, i ifetime. Whether the new _ _ Place in Piccadilly, between the Criterion and the Pavilion, will be decorated with two statues of the Great Twin Brethren, Coz and Boz, embracing after the discovery of the non-existence of the strawberry mark on the left arm, has not yet been decided by competent authority, but it is no breach of confidence to hint that the notion would not be received with disfavour in the very highest quarters. addison would be a good name, and our Sculpists could go to work with designs for wut when will the day of farees, good roaring ing, langh ut when e day of farces. , screaming, langh- able farces, return? Something that you coul p into,—and that critics would drop into nowadays probably,—about nine, and enjoy, without troubling oneself beforehand to know any more than that certain actors were safe to be seen at certain theatres, and that a hearty laugh could be insured. Cuartes Marnews used, at one time, to play in two or three farces a night, Waieut and Bep- FORD always in one, if not two, and so did Buckstons, at the Hay- market, and the Keetrrs, wherever they happened to be. A good farce is the essence of what it is a modern fashion to term a farcical play, and had it pleased Mr. Mappison Mortow to do Going Jt in one Act and one scene, he co have got as much fun into it, and Mr. Toots would have got as much fun out of it, as they both do now in double the time and treble the Acts. However, it is better to leave well alone, so Going It will go it in three Acts—and a lot of the dialogue does really ‘' go” with roars ; only if Mr. Jouw L. Toote will take a humble friend's advice, it is, —cut out the burlesque Zhe O' Dora,—for who in December recol- lects anything about the week of 7’A¢odora with the French Compan this summer '—play Going Jt at 8°30, and wind up the evening with the shortest and funniest farce in the repertoire of the only actor to whom the interpretation of food broad farce legitimate] belongs. If that last farce were like The Wandering Minstrel, ‘with a song,” it would give additional zest to the finish. What has become of The Blighted Being? Why shouldn’t Mr, Toorz revive that ’—or Jacob Earwig in Boots at the Swan? Mr. Toorr could go in for a run of the old farces, and then have some new ones ready, and these, with a short domestic drama on the model of The Postboy, and a little brushin , a: ornyineg and everybody generally, would give this little theatre a speciality, which would mean constant change and continual success. _Mr. Vittrers of the New Pavilion, Piccadilly, or, to put it in sixpenny telegram style, Mr. Pavitiers, ought to do a rare business in this richly and commodious

Mr. Toole introduces a promising Young Dramatist. hall. seating arrangements are here retained for audience and Chairman. As to the latter, would not his proper place be in the centre of the hall facing the stage, so that he may catch the singer's eye, | the e waiters, welcome the coming, and pat Re poate guest—all th guests have to ‘' part,” and quicker they do it the better,— keep the game alive, and preserve order with his hammer and stentorian The" old Sig

voice? Certainly these are among the principal duties of a Chairman. But then how could he keep an eye on the galle end were behind him? In case of any disturbance there, he could not quell it with a look, nor diminish the storm with his hammer, nor single out the offender for instant removal, with an ‘‘ Off-with-his- head,-and-so-much-for-chucking-’em ” kind of air. No, we admit that the Chairman of a Music Hall must be so placed‘as to have his eyes everywhere. ‘‘ We met, "twas in a crowd, and his'eye was upon me,” ought to be the feel- ing of every individual in that assemblage. But it seems to me a mistake to have the seats and tables at right angles to the stage, so that everyone wishing to see the perfor- mers must sit with a twisted neck a)l the even- ing, except in those few intervals when there is nothing going on, and when the muscles can be relaxed, and refreshment taken gratefully. Sucha position in a Music Hall for three hours is enough to turn anyone’s head. As for the entertain- ment, Mr. ARTHUR Lxoyn’s *‘ Encore” polka song is nearly as fresh as when it first came out. Mr. James Fawn is one of the Fawniest men on the Music

Hall stage ; and Mr. . . - Hunter, hunting for a <4 i | a. artner for his dance, ex- onns mt 7 oe ibits a good bit of genuine Mr. Pavilliers, “More Soe place “‘ Fora pantomime. To me a source of peculiar enjoyment at a Music Hall is the scenery, which is usually so singularly appropriate to the character of the singer and the song. At the Oxford there was—and perhaps it still exists—an interior, representing some pete, apparently,’ of the Library at Lincoln’s Inn or the Inner Temple; and here, in- variably, the comic singer, arrayed in that quiet kind of costume which, being of the essence of good taste, is never calculated to attract any special attention, used to come in, and, ing advan- tage of the unusual circumstance of there being no one in the reading-room, at once commenced a series of highly amusing songs, which, though demanding considerable vocal and physical exertion, failed to arouse even an under-librarian. Then there was a Baronial Hall, where a dashing young lady appeared, and walked about the stage in a white hat and light dust-coat, singing some- thing about ‘‘ Dear boy, don’t jer know,” and ‘“‘ doing the la-di- da,”—and all this, of course, by the kind permission of the feudal proprietor, who might be supposed, like Christopher Sly in the Taming of the Shrew, to be witnessing the performance from 4 tribune, or private box. Most of the songs at the Pavilion are given in what is apparently one of the Gardens of the Vatican, in front of an archway ornamented with classic statues. Here the Prvavps, pro- bably favourites with His Holiness Lxo rox THreTEENTH, perform. The Prvavps are a remarkable trio. I beg the spectators to follow their plot closely ; it may appear at first sight a Jittle intricate, but further acquaintance with it will prove for neatness of con- struction, dramatic effect, and sustained perspicui' ially where the third Poraup enters disguised with a tremen alse nose and movable moustachios—it may be pronounced as absolutely unrivalled. That the Cytherean Venus with her doves—which is a very poetical way of expressing Madame Garetta with her playful pigeons— should give her performance in the Manes of an edifice whose architectural characteristics are suggestive of some confusion in the painter’s mind between the Alhambra in Leicester Square and the Cathedral of St. Mark’s, Venice, is exactly what one would have expected from the mixed nature of the associations. But, to be quite up to date, the scene should represent the exterior of the British Museum, where a sort of Dovecot Drama might be enacted, called, The | Mystery of the Museum, or the Pitiless Pigeon Poisoner. Of course, the birds should ap to their Queen, and Madame Garetra—by the way, for the sake of antithesis, the villain should be nted by ignor BasemeNTO—should then appear, and rescue her birds ; Bast- MENTO sinks to the coal-hole, and after the Queen and her pigeons have enjoyed themselves, up should ascend Madame GareTTA. The tem week, Mr. time of it. skating-rinks went out. rature having been down to about freezing-point last AVILLIERS’ Patent Sliding Noof must have had a capital A sliding roof, I fancy, came in about the time that he Pavilion is well worth a visit,

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after Chris’ lel fond enla; ad, ns to the een eigen there will be a ty to find <7y pockets sufficiently rit cite be mado to hold out, I a muddled y te mada the Pavi wasn’t once at Brighton?” Then immediately he cor- rected himself, and said, rane remember, that was the Hall by | Re the Sea at have supper.’ oa peared towards land of Seott—and Shelley. Sorr Nrsss.

LOOKING AHEAD. (A Dream of the Dim Future.) February 9.—Queen’s Speech. Mr. Brapiaven tries to take the as gs, t to Speech moved by Mr. Ancu. e , ment to y Mr. , expressing “the regret of the House that no mention is to be found in it_of the Three Acres and Cow, and the hope that Her Majesty’s Government will at least see its way to giving Half an Aore and a a Calf.” Feb. 12.—Amendment carried by majority of two, uence of three Parnellite Members detained rand ang — I en roy ek ork <5) of “ Patriotic Feb, 20 ng bt A. Prime ore Mr. BrapLavex suc- ceeds in takin oath, and is at once ejected. Feb. 26.— GapsTone sends out list of his new Cabinet. Motion of Want of owing to defection of three “ aw Ere ore red rried TY, af th the mis sing I Parnellites from Ireland. March 1.— Sauispory, Prime Minister. Mr. Brapiaven, t-at-Arms, on floor of House, takes latter’s wind and his own March 2.—Lord SaLispury "ie in House of Lords that his | gi mgd abroad, and unparalleled fairness at home.” =~." to explain still further, and refuses. March 3,—M ak op wr i Want of Confidence postponed, owing to serious B: h riot. March 4.—Lord Sattspory still Prime Minister. Says that if he had not bad attack of neuralgic gumboil, would at once explain Government ’s ord B,C regard to I Ireland. March 8.— introduces Government Bill for Local Parliaments. ve that “‘ he is unable to express his profound veneration for genius of Irish people, and its patriotic leader, but at the same time the Government does not propose to give them control over the Police, or leave to form Volunteer Regiments.” Vote of Want of Confidence moved at once by Mr. Panwert. Carried by majority of 160. Je re Ae Wty ay ' ‘are - resigns, owing concussion 0 spinal column in personal encounter with Mr. BrapLavueH, sup- ported by nine “ “Re tatives of Labour” in House. March 12.— ARNELL wants to learn what policy of new Government with regard to Ireland will be Mr. GLapstong replies—‘ One of unbounded conciliation and portentous generosity to every class.” Fifteen Irish Mem at once suspended for remar “ Hum- bug!” and ‘‘ Walker!” in loud tones, after this statement. House adjo' in confusion. Mareh 13- 13—16.—Irish nights. Mr. Giapstonsx still Prime Minister. Spends a few days at Hawarden. March Me a tapers a ore “ Bill for ‘‘ Imperial Local Boards” in Sco March ise aan asm -¥ 4 Want of Confidence carried by majority of March 29, Lord Satispury, Prime Minister. March 24.—Mr. Biecar that “fittest and properest son for Chief Secretary for is Mr. Parwett.” Su by whole Liberal Party, and carried by majority of 150, Lord Saxis- BURY resigns. ' March 27.—Mr. Gtapstone, Prime Minister, March 28.—Mr. Giapstoye is asked if he intends to “‘ carry out tho socented WEE Oe ema ey ammans wale to t- | minds ment of Mr. Panwert as Chief Secretary for Ire ies **No.” Motion of Want of Confidence carried without a division. Mr. GLapsTowe that “‘ to end this disgraceful vernment should be formed on the ciple of putting into places regardless of P — beat "men tural Voter, now Ministry sball pet (hm pete C pe culate Bb. Sharhatt soem if Punch for Ever! Hurr00 for Mr. Punch!” pete Non-Partisan Government at once —

Prime Minister.—Mr. GLapstong. Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs.—Lord Satisnvury. : President of Local Government d (charged with introduction of a Bill for Local Councils). —Mr. BERLAIN. — t of Board of Trade (with powers to introduce a system of er Duties, which shall not conflict with principles of Free Trade, if he can).—Mr. Stannorx. Minister for or Agriculture.—Mr. Ar General Moderator (a hint, su ay Member for Midlothian, from Scotch Churches) and =e Lord Hartrneton. Lord “yt Umpires (with seats in Cabinet),—Mr. Forster, Mr. April 3.— General approval of new Cabinet. The Right Hon. JosepH ARCH “that a Perpetual Pension of £5,000 a-year be given to Mr. amen e enels on — that he never stands for Parliament at oe 4, eisaeste — oe with gratitude, purchases phan at Comes, oe the Church Defence Society. Burnt in e A to July.— Parliament peaceable. E perous. Maerate Delores carried. Parnellites sulky. fand onhewel.

LETTER TO THE RIGHT HON. J. CHAMBERLAIN. (Care of the Rt. Hon, Mr, Punch.) My dear Joseru (the Lesser I fear I must call you, remembering somes ge Bice Ps sincerely regret e, from your recent not appear, ’ elections, to have vtetat in ‘the that you do not-appear, since th self-esteem which is so remarkable a feature of your conformation. I really think that you, and my excellent friend Jouw | gen ghee always writes to the Times to tell us what he thinks, when a; body is in doubt about hatever the merits of in an g, run a bump-race in that respect. ee famous difference about Light” nai neither of you has any mis- about his own. "Bat JP ce tothing clever Joszru, now that all the shillaloo has particular has to anybody,—and ory a "auch as as it was —the world has the time to take, so oes of you; and and it is to do it. You have introduced into English publie life methods of your own, which - ay hn a own! diff a ‘ you have trum your own! differences of opinion from oar ena bout the place. I don’t think free discussion oes any harm, so I won't you that. But, secondly, you have amused yourself by calling them all the bad names you can think of, because they don’t agree with you about As far as I can see, only Drrxz and Mortxy do. You don’t make friends by that, my dear Josern, for, in this imperfect world, manners go for as much as measures, Thirdly, you martes taken u aa 3 to star yourself everywhere as a kind of extra Prime mentee the Queen or from the Party, or from the Se ee none of whom appears to have had the slightest desire to give it you. The mandate, my excellent JoserH, was entirely your own. And lastly, you have made the i and most those name of Radical objectionable, even, af to who used to be most proud of it, by faxing over about ‘‘ We Radicals,” and‘*‘ We Radical Chiefs”—wherein Drxz and Mortry have too much helped you. The name of Liberal should be good enough for anybody, nor need it shame the English Radical to have been of company of the lost Fawcert, or to take part with MunpEL1a, Bryce, or DILLwYn, yy ~ tenets do not seem, my dear Josern, the least like theirs : the electors once take it into their heads that these same tenets of yours are Armd Dea of sor Ty Poche Jacobin—that they are the lish Radical ideas— and that not onl Pg Sag pide yt ttle States within a State, are. tha Raglan for everybody, whether he li it or not, sw life becomes ‘s kind of com then, m thet my dear Jour they will have very little to say to you. You ORLEY will form nice little Lele Sky, oll ta vechadinen maless, Ghick 1s net whelly improbable, you ean get Rawpoirn to join you. let 4 Gorton Wye Care pen Dexet 5 bet a ve . Bu A. , st bound to give you their mat bn van he ou have 4 oe tees 10a he week knee’d, but the ane who object to you most — that is, ae racked, ho sel to say it seems to me - —-¥ opi T, Tik lemustciens, oat poe ou hae = fond you may ce not a Hadial name; and if Bewsamin’s mess, in 1880, seemed to some big, it is an unscriptural fact that, in 18865, JoserH’s mess is—look at those into whose hands you have worked so hard to throw balance of power—well, Biecar.

Confidentially Yours, SrRATION SrRaw Less.

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ee er _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 19, 1885, THE ART OF CONVERSATION. Professor Proseworthy (to Lucy, who wants to finish her letters for the Indian Mail). ‘‘1 CAN FORGIVE A—A—A MAN WHO DROPS BIS Arrouss! I I—I caw ForGIVE A Man WHO BEARS FAL#E WITNESS AGAINST BIs Neicusoun ! so on for about twenty minutes) —*‘ puT—1 can'r Frorcivgs a Bors!” I—I CaN FoRGIVE A—A——” (and T H ALL OVER! Att over! The songs and the shoutings, Fair hopes and lugubrious fears, Fierce angers and furious floutings, Hot jibes and elaborate jeers : The Winners sit snugly in clover, The Losers are pointing their quills ; he wild tohu-boha is over, So pull down the Bills! Huge posters and polychromatic, How weary is Punch of your sight! Which makes Party zealots ecstatic, And Bill-stickers fills with delight. is tastes have a leaden and low range, His zeal, geyser-like, must boil o’er, To whom your pale blue and deep orange Become not a bore. The plaintive appeal, ‘ Vote for Buecins! ” Has stared us six months in the face. “The Working-Man’s Candidate, Mueeins,” Is sprawling all over the place. Down, down with them! veGins polled thirty, And Bueerns was ten score behind. Their Bills, mud-bespattered, torn, dirty, Still wave in the wind. In charity rend them instant: r From window, and wainseot, and wall ! For Jueers has won in a canter ; Ve victis! 8o down with them all! Let us hope he’s a capital fellow ; But posters no more need he use. We turn bilious at bills that are Yellow ; The Blue gives us blues! A truce to Unlimited Shindy !|— Alas! it is only a truce !— To orators washy and windy, Mud-flinging, and mutual abuse ! You've sai the rude things you're able, Your slang-whanging ——— y palls ; So shut up Billingsgate Babel. And wash down your walls! Party bets now no longer find takers, The battle is won and is lost. He who prates of that Cow and Three Acres Upon the Cow’s horns should be tost. The Voters, or cockney or rustic, — Have spoken. If, in their despite, The future still seem nubibustic, Why—wait for more light ! Hooray! The last heckler has heckled. Bravo! The last voter has polled. Each Candidate, blue, buff, or speckled, = seated, — h — o more trumpet-blowing or drumming, Dear Primrose Dames, smooth down your frills, And, Gentlemen, Christmas is coming ! 8» down with the Bills! APPROPRIATE FoR THE Recent Faosty Weartuer.—At the Ballad Concert, Battersea Park, last Saturday, among the artists ap- peared Mr. Cuagtes Cuitizy. He sang “* Shiver my Timbers,” and obtained a warm reception. Poor Cumier! He wanted it. Unless, by the way, like some of his un- esampediy’ tat relations, i he is a regular session of something belongin anything of the way in w Potting Prizes. G. H. Boueuron, A.R.A. ls a lucky man, they say; Of earthenware he r ¥ They turn out rare old ¢ who doesn’t Dance), ‘something belonging to some y in the shape of land—has often an been obtained in this country. And then it is so simple, so unqualified, and saves such a lot of that trouble which a respect for facts and fairness necessarily involves. Tue Batance or Pantres.—( Bythe Greedy —Supper | “FINAL, CONCLUSIVE, AND BINDING.” Says the St. James's Gazette: —‘‘ The Radical majorities in many of the English Counties are composed of new voters; and these men simply gave their votes in return for a promise that they should be put in pos- to somebody else.” There is a sweet simplicity about this way of settling matters which inspires emu- lation. For example, suppose we say that the Tory majorities—and minorities—in the Counties gave their votes as they did in order to retain possession of something belongi somebody else. It is equally true—or false— and at least as much might be reasonably said in defence of it by any one who knows i sion of else ee for long p lots— chea) hina pots. He a picture shop to view, o Sa e finds -* + oe ne this great prize that he has He'll make—*' he’ll make enethes pot.” ging to

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decempsr 19, 1885, Ne ih INS FOR EVER, th lin ! \ he. | VOTE Sees | PONG Ray KOT ii i \ FORY yn | ar (, yy ¥ i “HOORAY! ALL OVER!!”

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Decemper 19, 1885,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 297 NON TAILI AUXILIO. A PROTEST AGAINST THE MvzziE-Men. HE adjourned meeting of the Metropolitan Dogs’ Defence Asso- ciation was held at the premises of the Kennel Club yestens day, and was largely attended. For some time prior to the com- mencementof the pro- ceedings every avail- able portion of the yard was by an orderly well- behaved canine crowd, who followed the course of events with the greatest interest. A Prize St. Ber- nard, being voted unanimously into the Chair, he rose and said: That, in open- ing the subject he need not, he felt, do more than chronicle the cause of their : i og 4 = ay. ey, the dogs of the ro of all sorts and condi- tions, were assembled in that yard to protest against the unjust. intemperate, an frivolous interference “The little Dog laughed to see such fun! ”’ with their ate just recently carried out, apparently at the sole fiat of the Chief Commissioner of Police. (Howls.) He was glad to see that the mention of that official elicited that expression of their opinion. A more vexatious and troublesome measure it was impos- sible to conceive, and he was determined, for one, to protest to his utmost against it. (Marked and prolonged wagging of tails.) But he w leave other ers to have their say on the subject, and suggest what remedy they could. (Loud barking.) A Scotch Collie said that he considered the treatment he had been personally subjected to, quite disgraceful. He had had his licence properly paid for, and wore a collar bearing his owner’s name and address, and yet he could not leave the house, for a run with one of the family, without having his head thrust into a horrid wire muzzle, which bothered him to that extent, that it took all the pleasure out of his outing. (Yelps.) In fact, he so disliked it, that he would sooner not g° out at all, and what, he should like to know, would become of a dog of his size pegged up in the house all day? Why, it was enough to give him rabies, if he hadn’t gotit. ( bark- ing, and wagging of tails.) A Bull Terrier said he thoroughly concurred with the last speaker. For his part, he could only say, that muzzled or unmuzzled, he would like to see the Policeman who would lassoo him. (Prolonged wag- ing of tails.) i Lae Pug, who appeared to be in a very plethoric condition, and addressed the meeting with some difficulty, rose to protest. did not see what his canine brethren had. being muzzled, they should go in for wing-room life, as he did. He got his exercise in the Park, in an open barouche. (Howls.) They mie . pow but he did, and a precious good time he of it. narling. A French Poodle replied to the last speaker with much warmth. He said that it was very well for carriage pets to ignore the nuisance, but it was a most real and tangible one. Look at his own ease. Here was he, Lighly educated and trimmed, and frequently taken on the back seat self, yet he felt obliged, for the sake of his health, to maintain his running exercise. Yet how did he get it? Only by thrusting his head into Colonel HewpEnson’s metal | > cage (howls), and spoiling his moustache, and making himself look generally miserable and ridiculous. It was a great hardship to thus afflict respectably supported dogs; because a lot of ownerless curs and mongrels were Sevag, Sere, Nd c! bringing — on ke canine species generally. He ho @ peremptory order wou soon be rescinded. (Loud barking.) astiff said, all he could say was, that if it wasn’t, the first time he could get a chance he should go out without amuzzle. (Wagging of tails.) The Policeman who tried to collar e If they disliked | hi him with a three-foot iron rod had better look out for himself. (Renewed wagging of tails.) That was all he had to say about it. A Toy Terrier said that he got on very well with a bit of atm and didn’t mind being led. If dogs didn’t wish to be kept muzzled, they shouldn’t be so big. (Prolonged howling.) A large Newfoundland said: he treated that remark with the oon- tempt it deserved ; and though he did not wish to introduce any personality into the discussion, he could not forbear saying that it was greatly owing to the sna’ ties indulged in by that class of abnormally undersized dogs to which the last speaker belonged that all this vexatious agitation had arisen. (Great wagging of tails.) He should conclude by moving Resolution :—‘* That this meeting s the recent order enforcing the indiscriminate appli- cation of muzzle to all , of whatever kind or degree, at large as a useless, meddlesome, vexatious exercise of authority, an is of opinion that steps should be taken to get it modified or repealed at the very earliest opportunity possible.” Upon this Motion, which was seconded by a White Pomeranian, a4 apy fie aaa = 4! — oe a otis ~ wagging of tails, accom x meetin was about to be adjourned, when aceneion was cause by a report that a Dachs-hund had suddenly gone off its head and bitten several dogs in its immediate vicinity on the back benches. The Police interfering in the matter, a general stampede followed, and the assembly broke up hurriedly in much TOTAL OF THE ELECTION, Garn, Liberal. Loss. A Majority in Great Britain. The help of the Boycotters. HARTINGTON’s support. CHAMBERLAIN’S moderation. The Grand Old Man. The Grand Old Umbrella. Conservative. CuvRrcuiILi’s Tory Democracy. Theatrical ‘* Reaction.” Parnellite, ae spigieene of ‘‘Captain Moon- The respect of Joun Butt. ght.’ nN Satispory’s Foreign Luck. Music-hall Advocacy. “THE SWORD IS MIGHTIER THAN THE PEN.” (Old Proverb Improved.) Tue Times Correspondent having been ordered to Rangoon by the General Commanding the Burmese Expeditionary Force (it is to be hoped because he would make jokes about the Capital turning upon ‘*Man-delay,” as no other excusefor the conduct of General Prenper- east, K.C.B., can be as entirely satisfactory), we have immediately supplied his with a ‘‘special” of our own. We submit his first despatch (By Private and Confidential Wire.) The bravery of the troops, in storming the ancient stronghold of THEEBAW was admirable. Every soldier proved himself a hero, but the greatest of them all, the most heroic of the heroes, was unques- tionably Prenpercast, who is known as ‘‘ Bull-ee,” which, bein translated from the neve pene into English, means, “‘ The Wil Lion of the Fierce Battle Wagers.” Nevers I forget the courage displayed by this grand young soldier as he fought single-handed no less than twelve dozen Burmans. admiration and enthusiasm caused by his gallantry was simply indescribable. Even the wives of his fallen enemies cried with joy. His administration of the — country, after t combat which delivered the place into is hands, equalled his martial prowess. In twenty minutes he had introduced into the ‘“‘.Land of the Shi Moon” Magna Charta, the Habeas Corpus Act, the sixpenny loaf at twopence-halfpenny, the coon, pores post and the self-acting sewing machine. With all this he is as merciful as he is clever, good-natured as he is clear-headed, beautiful as he is well-read. Never has the world seen so magnificent a celebrity, and the sight of such an Admirable Crichton can not be repeated. Major-General PrenpeRoast is a mixture of that was and is best in Napoteon, SHAKsPRARe, Bottoy, M.P., Sir Ronzxt WattER Caxpen, and the cleyerest per- formers (inclusive of the damsel who plays with equal facility the ig drum and the German flute), of the Ladies’ Viennese Urchestra, The conduct of PrenpERGast is magnificent, and yet may be called, with pone truth, ‘‘ the war.” P.S.— Please, Sir, I hope you will likethe above. If not adequately complimentary, kindly supply the required epithets, &c. [ Editor’s Note.—From internal evidence, it would seem that our Corre- ndentin petentas was addressed to the General Commanding, rather than | the General Public. It is more likely to be appreciated by the former than the latter. But we wait with calm indifference (following the lead of the Times) for further and better particulars. }

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}! 298 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decmusmn 19, 1886. AFTER THE ELECTION, (By a Rejected Candidate.) / >, I’m weary of all the Election, My) | And though I have suffered rejection, + URN ae I’m glad that I didn’t get in. If Parliament ’s half as un t As all the wild shindies I see, I’m really quite pleased that at present I’m not to become an M.P. The Whigs they fall foul of the Tories ; The latter serenely avow The former tell terrible stories About the Three Acres and Cow.’ Both sides were of course on their mettle, And Candidates all on the rack ; It’s just both the pot and the kettle Declaring the o is black. I’ve shouted of course till my pharynx Has grown most consumedly red, And doctors declare that my larynx And I would be better in bed. But, bless you, I made no impression On ignorant voters arrayed ; They ’ve left me one 37 possession, And that is—a bill to be paid. No matter, the conflict is over, And I shall be off in a trice, A free indeterminate rover— I think Monte Carlo sounds nice. Let Parliament meet, and be jigger'd ! I’m off toa sunnier clime, Quite glad, on the whole, that I figured IS IT POSSIBLE! Among the rejected this time. First City Man. “But you DON’T MEAN TO TELL ME YOU'RE THE SECRETARY OF ALL ruHese Companies!” _ Second Ditto, **Ixpexp 1 po, MY DEAR FELLOW, AND THEY ARE GENUINE Compantigs, Too!/ Tae Mixture wor as Berors.—The next Why, BLEss your Sour, Sin! some or ’em vay Divipenps!!” Parliament will be—Honex-podge. “IMPROVEMENT” AT ETON. Diary or A Present Etontan. Watnesing~Bp-dog is a ben ~~ began — and didn’ well. managed up early my French but I had not quite finished it when the clock strack, and so I went on a little | r, because my Beak is generally late, but when I got into school 1 found he had been up nearly ten minutes ; so I got a punishment, and, what ’s more, he put me on just the very place where I had Jeft off learning. Now, I’ve often noticed, that if you don’t learn the last few lines of a lesson, the Beak is sure to put you on just where you left off, and it seems such a remarkable a that he ay believe you ; but sti v-" generally the case, I assure you. 4 to go got on pretty till we came to the wot A lrmeeend” and that stum me com ly ; so I just took a shot and said “ brass-case,” every- one out langhing. Fellows do laugh when you a blunder like that, though they don’t properly know what it is themselves. The Beak gave me a yellow ticket after school. I give it as a speci- men of what a master can do. ‘“‘ Late always; most lar : doesn’t know his lesson ; translates ‘ bras-cass¢’ ‘ brass-case:’ write out notes of lesson twice by lock-up.” The pona was bad enough ; bat, to put down the mistake for my Tutor to see, was adding insult injury. Well, when I went to fagging, that brute Morrie sent me down town for an omelette ([ suppose he thinks an omelette is more artistic than sausages), and I didn’t get back till nearly nine; and then, just as I sat down to breakfast, in poder fo Pom pupils to ~ | that Tutor was going to have construing directly after chapel: and so, instead of getting m ey Sl lesson: because I was afrai that if 1 got m at construing, gave Tutor the ticket to sign as well, he would give me’ - tude. So I went without breakfast.t and all that went on till nearly half-past eleven : and after absence I went in search of breakfast with Scroeetes. I had something at Larton’s: it wasn’t much like breakfast, but helped to fill the corners up. It consisted of a glass of cider, a sausage-roll, a chicken and ham pdté, three buns, and a cup of chocolate. I hada’t any money, so I borrowed * An early French lesson sounds like an improvement, but the manner of getting it up, will probably occur to some old boys, is not entirely new and original, and has been found to answer, more than once, with Ovip, VinetL, Homea, and Seriptores Greci—Ep. + This seems an improvement.—Ep. some from Scroeey.* After that I did the pona, and took it to the Master just before two: much to his disgust. He was expecting— hoping, I should say—that I should be late once more. After four we a pretty apd omy and after tea I meant to have done my extra work, only somehow I put it off. I always had a special objection to composing on a whole holiday—I didn’t stay to supper, but came up and began my Diary—I have now a clear 20 minutes before I need have my bath, it’s bath night, and so I think I shall be able to patch up an extra work. Thursday.—A rather unfortunate event occurred last night. I found my extra work pretty easy, soI did it all: but it took me some time, so the maid took away my candle, just as I was beginning to un- dress. I hadn’t another to light, but I was determined not to go with- out my bath, so I undressed in the dark, and stepped in. I think my dame must have heard me splashing about, and wondered what I was doing, for he + came in to see what was the matter. He saw, and retired promptly. In consideration of the unfortunate occurrence, he let me off my ishment: at least, he only gave me a pe about sitting up late, both in my bath and in general: and that doesn’t count. I now had a fair field, and determined to take a fresh start. I was guing have learnt my saying lesson for 11°15, after 9°45, but I remembered I hadn’t copied over my verses, and had to do that instead. So, when I got into school, I had to’go back to the old dodge. The Beak I'm up to, sets us about 20 lines of Virgil, has four fellows to say at a time, and divides the lesson into four bits of about five lines Aw § more or less, as the stops go. Not so many Beaks do that now as used to: I think the new Head Master has shaken them up. But mine does. Well, as I hadn’t time to learn the whole, I only learnt the bit that would come to me, but he reversed the order of esying, as he occasionally does, and there was I, dumb as a fish, while the other fellows knew theirs. So I was kept in till last. To-day was a half-holiday once more, so that we’ve only had one whole school-day this week, as yet, which isn’t bad.t Nothing much else happened to-day. ® More improvements.—Ep. + It may be necessary to explain that the “Dame” at Eton, is not neces- sarily a “She.” The Drawing Master, if he has a house for boys, is a Dame. t Only by reckoning a whole holiday on Wednesday, preceded by a half on Tuesday, followed by a half on Thursday, a whole on Friday, and ahalf on Satur- day, can we make out that the Present Etonian had but one whole schoolday in the seven days. If this is not an exceptional week, certainly there is a great « a aptery at Eton, as ar and * & ve pa get h oe a specimen week, t can en , though, perhaps, Present Etenian might enlighten us thee the “ Dies non"’ is spent.—Ep.

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Decemagr 19, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 299 ————— OUR OWN COURT CIRCULAR. aR The Rev. Dean of Old Brown The Hon. Sumbody arrived | Windsor had the honour of The Hon. Sum at the Castle yesterday. dining with Her Majesty. The men may But the Primrose So the Knights and NEW WORI WORDS AND OLD SONGS. Taree Acres seemed to Countryman Hones ; With Coun DGE, the Cow went down ; The Acres and ayes canuiealiaien For fees eho endl mean tah to io town. ba ee the comfort they ’ve got ; go cadging | ‘ay iu tle pumps where the Cow went do village- where went down ; And they all end Ar Kept talking on ior a week horny and brown. The men did ou Soa te. 4 did not— didn’t, they canvassed a lot ; -PP ts and Dames went cadging | anes yo were body left the| . Left out in the cold when the Cow went down ; Castle this morning. And the women sate cussing at Countryman Hoper, 5 Se von ee aot. F and © rng and and women should not! Bat if twill for Members be ‘Bo, ver they do “wil fr and tholt esdeive! Ira that Mr. Roperr Mar has been inted one of tt coomnstion with Ser Uaaeeneaned o> A the Navy, in t of the em ge or tho direction of im financial control of that Department. This is should be - +L may be the tthe Authorities at sc Whitehall, this selection at least determination on their part to be right in the Mein. A Blessed Boon. To lay out our shillings and on. Ti: bf. an from Lord Fr ; Dose bese, for your 4 = Mr. Punch had the benew, of submitting his celebrated Almanack Cartoon for 1836, Falling Which is sweet aa ts Pha y of ‘. mad Party throng, for Her Majesty’s inspection. Punch gives you his heartiest benison ! AFTER THE WESTMINSTER PLAY. Paterfamilias (who has sent his youngster, aged sixteen, to see the Andria of —— “ my boy, so you went to the Westminster Play the other night, eh was it? uous Youth \ieettatinnly) Well, pretty good. (With alac- rity.) It was very crowded. I came in soon after eight, and it was cram Pater. Did you get a good place ? Ingenuous Yi outh pers a sure means of escaping questioning pay nem yen 0, I co uldn’t get a seat, and where | was it wasn't ie sake. I couldn’t hear much that was said —(with an injured air)—they talked so indistinctly. Pater. (severely). You should have been in time, (With mis- giving.) I suppose you understood it, eh ? Ingenuous — (trying to fence the question as long as possible). hundred a-year not having been quite thrown away.) Was that line in it? (Wishes he hadn’t asked the question Ingenuous Youth (considering). No, I don’ t think s0—(recurs to old complaint)—but they spoke so low, I couldn’t hear half they said. Pater (reassured on his own account by his son’s ignorance, but beginning to have serious doubts as to the value of an expensive Clas- education). What other were there ? enuous Youth. Well (considering) there were two old men— oa idiots ; and then there was Davus—{remembers having deg mentioned this eee, Se but thinks the repetition will please his Sather)—he was Bi A meg j and was @ woman (con- sidering)—they called her “* Missis,” I think. Pater (in all the pride of superior knowledge—derived from the morning paper). me. ou mean Mysis, the slave. Ingenuous Youth. ow Y ; but not a bit like a woman. And then there aad g Rat ores otly ; pry they talked about Gly- Water (thinking of the two hundred he has been spendi ater (thinking of the two hundred a-year 8 been 8 on education). Did you understand any of it ? a | Ingenuous Youth. Well—(thinking it best to break rel t ay }—not a (Recollects the song, and feels inclined to But it’s better than nothing at all! Pte oe himself, however, in the paternal presence, and wishes he could get away, or that the Guv'nor | would walk off, or that he’d never been given a holiday to be treated to hear the Westminster fin 2 ) Pater (disa peated, Lon e you know what it was all about ? Ingenuous Fouth ing, and then, in a tone sugges- tive of having been Be oy injured by the want of attention on the part of the Authorities)—I couldn’t get a bill. Pater. Um! (Begins to sconder if the boy has been there at all, and if 0, how Long he ata xed.) Didn’t ou catch any of the names? Ingenuous Youth. Well. eo complain ining)—you see—they didn’t een ap_-and they ware ype ). N. Di dn’t hear the ? a ore idn’t you hear names (Has j read the account in the morning paper, ety he oe Classics.) Wasn't there—for example—(this is to give his son some ~ barman his father’s scholarship is like. went there a Tagennous Youth (who up to now had thought t had said “ Davis” A ge , and it was the name of a ). Oh, of course. O'yet Bapus I remember (fami quotation sud- snl iri dhe ”-T recollect. . Yes. Exactly, (¢ (Congratulates himself on the two cerine, or something like that. Seeing his father about to interrupt, and ae something wrong uh Glycerine,” he returns to the old excuse.) But they spoke so sine I really couldn’t hear half cnderstand sh said. Pater (sharply). And the other half you didn’t (Pauses for a reply. Still more sharply.) Is that so—e Ingenuous Youth (giving it “os in eee and _~nan G all idea of any extra tip at Christmas) Pater. Ah! (Suppressing is toe | Exit Boy. Pater wonders what “ft a is the good of spen ing two hundred a-year on learning Latin an Ofek, Left wondering. Scene closes. How’s That ? To a Prince, who in a shindy, a weleae « or fi foe, naive Che dug doughty Semen, 8 Are you right to ~ Noble Durreriy, Viceroy of India ? _, Mamoeneas MovemEnt.—The Police Authorities having objected the Constables with to arming Revolvers, have now given them Muzzle-loaders. é will — ~ a my ae esta drama, by b a new Mr. J. Cu-MB-n1-¥, called New Cows and Old , a eee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

(Ducmmner 19, 1885.

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. 1X.—From an Uncnownep (Manionerre) Kino. ‘Avondale, Mon day.

Gti-pst-Ne of twenty-five. But the Counties were too much for us, and have rather spoiled my little game. But we stand pretty well, and I find myself an object of respectful attention from the Leaders of both parties, I am afraid that, after all, something will come of it, and we shall have to go back to Dublin and enjoy our- a

|

EAR Tosy, Hi! hi various n with one ranted to to speak in adorned description of the actual state of things, and though may sneer, and make believe to be shocked, I know very wi apprehension. Till R-np-trn began to dominate the scene, the hed their men in hand pretty much in the same way. They grumbled some- times, but Gay voted ome me. wane woe GL-DsT-NE wo ev . have a Busty oo Dost a0 ape) O otee e a ites Tien a Relicch, "We the cure of warts, and the rules of a new game of his way. We have nothing answering to your Whigs, Li are nota Party. We are One Man and eighty-five counters, and when a division is coming on that’s something to reckon with, I can tell you. How do I like my companions? Well, perhaps not much—but that’s neither here nor there. I’m not bound to say too much to them, or to talk to them at | bottles (empty). all, and never have been notable for my geniality. I may qualities of J-s-rpa G-.1-s, without insisting upon sitting up all night wit him. I may admire the tepid fluency of 8-x1-y, without remaining to listen to rais ue ; eo him; and 1 may enjoy the high breeding and gentle manners of T. P. 0'C-ww-z | Treatise upon ‘* Ye Dyfficuities of ye English Tongue, at a distance. You don’t suppose that any other proprietor of a Marionette translated from the Dutch. Show spends his leisure moments in company with his wooden-headed, loose-|,. : jointed properties? We understand each other, au fond, as Jory B. says, birth of Saran, first Duchess of Marlborough, showin that her Grace was many years older than she pretend never forgetful of his famous journey to Paris. They are their position, and I with mine. Moreover than which, o ships are nothing to nobody. You hear quite a —~ — RSy-- Well, end how are things quing i, ~ prove peenapoury bese See of the death of Queen Anne, his Majest I've hardly had time to read foreign intelligence. Pa-z C- of trouble. Pu-t isa nice boy, so reposeful manners. As I am not in the House much mysel on, I had no objection to his turning up with the rest. But up against my mandate it was a matter of importance to crush him. So I did. i in a Marionette show. If he went on the rampage he might break up the whole of the machinery. O’Suea was another difficulty. I like O’Suea. He once did me a good turn, expect it’s all for the best. He means well, but is and | was sorry to him in Liverpool. I gave way, i oppose too late, and the only thing I could do by way of compensation was to put in O’ Hea for Donegal West. Since the House can’t have O’Snxa, they must put up with O’Hea ; it’s only a matter of sex. How will all this end, do you think? Things have not well as I expected. We did our best in the British \} YN Wr up! the greatest Marionette | Kighty-five of the most delightful, com show of the season. Eighty-/|licent Marionettes ever shown in either Hemisphere. five of ’em, all sizes and| Walk up! walk up! Eighty-five, and dency towards O'Connor, war- ranted to work ther in har- mony. IfI up my right hand, all fall flat on their RICH AND RARE, —_ Hi ie at hs —%. - Ir is well known that many of the presents sent to the ae 5 Ae aay Suita of Turkzy, never found their way into the Imperial tinger, they raise the left leg. I istle, j ath : ao 2 Be cellent descriptive article of the contents of that wonderful icceases. Hi! hi! Eighty- Ie, ? ; : ep Geabuemntatiees of fre mh to supply the missing links, we beg to give a list of a few of independent electors, all war- | the most interesting, historical curiosities stiil remaining when so ordered, not to leave the premises without permis- sion, in short, to do just what they are tol : - tions,’and be thankful for | °D¢e belonged to Aww Borery, who used it for propping their weekly wages. Hi! 2 Eighty-five of ’em. AY. up, walk up! What do you think of that, Tony, for patter? It comes pretty near an un- Majesty, set in diamonds (paste). The picture depicts an and industrious in habit, and with most

selves there. Fancy, after the comfortable b at Westminster, with its asant and its varied interests, to be shut up in a hall on Green with one or two hundred of my fellow-countrymen! Iama little uneasy at the prospect. After all it may be post- poned. R-np-LPH, in his happy-go-h manner, will ask us to take what we want and go. Gt-pst-Nz, with his serious way of looking at things, will spend weeks in elaborating a scheme which he would press upon our acceptance. If it comes to the worst, of course the worst must come. Buta wordin your ear, my Tony. When the day arrives that sees Home Rule granted to Ireland, and it is proposed that I shall sit in Dublin as the President of a National Council, or whatever you like to call it, on that day C. 8. P. writes P. P. C. on his political visiting- card, and passes it round. In the meanwhile walk up! walk up! ‘Hi! hi! ionable, intel- PE) (one ! Walk up, walk Yours truly, C, 8, P-Rn-L1, ames, with a ten- To Tony, M.P., The Kennel, Barks.

Treasury, and therefore were unable to appear in the ex- storehouse, published a few days since in the columns of a + yng be morning paper.” Asitis the duty ofall civilised persons bid ’em, | uncatalogued, in Constantinople :— by the A Se) he King Henry the Eighth of England — Pamphlet ae written by His Majesty against Lurner, and for whic o, to yemain silent | the burly. Monarch received from the Porm of the period the title of ‘* Defender of the Faith.” Handsomely bound in calf; it bears the inscription, ‘‘ Prynted forre Pryvatte ask no ques- | Syreulation,” in old English. This is said to have up the leg of a wheel-chair that had lost its castor. From Queen Elizabeth of England.—Portrait of Her it’s 2< c oe exceedingly beautiful maiden, in the first blush of youth nservatives | —it was painted when the QugEN was sixty-four. Also the model of a potatoe presented to Her Majesty by Sir Watrer RaLzicu. From Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector.—Recipe for own invention called ‘‘ Leape-frogge.’ From King Charles the Second of England.—A col- lection (numbering many thousands) of old English wine- From King William the Third and Queen Mary the Second of England. — Portrait of the King from the Queen, and portrait of the Queen from the King. Also respect the sterlin From Queen Anne of England.—Certificate of the a Sea to be, with a spiteful letter from her Majesty, asserting this fact. From King George the First of England.—Intelligence "s ecessor. aS Goel aed Sane From King George the Fourth o Eng and.—A col- f when the Session’s | lection of ol wigs, and the complete works of R. B. i SHERIDAN, uncut. hy lg = rig From Napoleon, sometime Emperor of France.—Pietare of the Battle of Waterloo, by a French Artist (inaccurate). And from Mr. Punch, Guide of the Universe.—The gem of the collection. First Number of the Charivari (1841), set in its own sparkling coruscations of tis true; but it was| ©/ i wit and humour.

A Conservative Benerrr (from their own point of turned out quite so | view).—Of what epidemic have the Conservatives reliev , and rooked| Reading? Surely Fever.

€@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

Page 403

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Dzsoempsr 19, 1885. ARMY & NAVY SCOTCH WHISKY, “MONS MEG.” THE FINEST OF ALL SCOTCH WHISKIES. 42. per Dozen Case ; Mis. per Gallon ; Cash. Carriage Paid to any Railway Staties in Englend. Order through your Wine Merchant, of from The Proprietom, ARCHD. AIKMAN & CO,, EDINBURGH. Eervas.ismep 1611. Cheques crossed Royal Bank of Scotland. CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTIA EXHIBITION, 1684. 25s. the Gall ; 60s. the Doz Canatses Paw. Casm Ont. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N.W. BOTTLING STORES— Of Grocers and Wine Merchants every where, and CHRISTIE’S, 25, Milton 8t., E.C. wea) nN THE ONLY PALATABLE NATURAL APERIENT WATER. A POSITIVE CURE FOR STOMACH, LIVER, AND KIDNEY AFFECTIONS. ‘Lhe best household remedy and specific (uc CONSTIPATION. +, with Testimonials, post ree. told by Chemists, ls. 64. and 2s. per bottie. Mecvtar Brrrea Waren Company, Limited, 38, Snow Hill, London, E.C, OPER FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. 4—E NORMAL \\ DIURETIC Ay APERIENT S. & H. HARRIS’S HOUSEHOLD EBONITE WATERPROOF BLACKING. FOR ROOTS AND SHOES. Does not injure the | Requires no brushing. ASK FOR IT. POLISHING PASTE. For Metals and Glass of all De-criptions. SOLD EVERYWHERE. Manufactory: REQUISITES. PLATE POWDER. BRUNSWIOK. ‘BLACK. STEEL. “POWDER. Por Bright Grates and Pi OL: FURNITURE LISH. || NO HOUSE COMPLETE wiht TH 57, MANSELL STREET, LONDON, E. SILVER MEDAL, HEALTH BXMIBITION, LONDON, 188% HEERING’S ONLY GENUINE COPENHAGEN | ote Bhan CHERRY ses. sis, Pemvoven et, Assure: BRANDY. MENTS TO THE Rovat Dawten avy leprae Ressian Counts, axp H.K.M. rue Pace of Waces. “The National Table Waters.” “Apsoterery Pune.” ELLIS’S RUTHIN WATERS REGISTERED. Estasiisusp 1825. Soda, Potass, Seltzer, Lemonade, Aromatic Ginger Ale. For Gout: Lithia Water, and Lithia and Potass Water. ASK FOR ELLIS’S. Soitp Everywnuers, SOLE ADDRESS—R. ELLIS & SON, RUTHIN, NORTH WALES. London Agents: W. BEST & SONS, Henrietta Street, Cavendish Square. LIQUEUR of the GRANDE CHARTREUSE. This exeelient Liqueur, the | nae preventive of Choleraic Attacks and also the remedy for Indiges- tion, can now be obtained of all Wine Merchants. The late advance in the Customs duty not having been maintained, the Liqueur is again procurable at prices which bring it within the reach of nearly all classes. Sole Consignee, DOYLE, 2, New Lowpow Staret, Mann Laws, F.C. en POWELL’ S BALSAM ANISEED, | For Covous, Aeruma, Baowcurr ses &ec. Bold by Shomiot ) throughout the world. No family should Paris, Hevral, Bm om ne ess acie Delecra; ranma Santen Koltf satabiiek or ae "hs | years. Prepared only by THOMAS POW ackfriars Road, London MELLOR’S MELLOR D. F. TAYLER & CO.'S| =. The most useful and eeonomicel form in which Ping SOLD HY RTL DUAPERS. Baurce (Poser Fass), 6d. Stamps. 89, Newgate 8t., London, E.C. ROSES | Well rooted, many shooted, truly named, of matured | vigorous growth, and of the best kinds. Bushes, fe. per doz.,@0s, per 100, Standards, lbs. per doz., 106s. per 100. Packing and Carriage Free for Cash with Order. THESE WORLD-FAMED ROSES CANNOT FAIL ro GIVE tux GREATEST SATISFACTION, DESCRIPTIVE LIDED of aboveand following free on application :—Fruit Trees, Evergreens, Fiower- ing Shrubs (8s. per doz.), Clematie (12s. to 24. r doz.), Kosesin Pots (18s. = i. can , ceous and Al ipine Plantes food telect per doz., 25s. per 100), Vines ( to lds 64.) 8 Stoveand Greenhouse Plante, Forest Trees, Seeds, Bulbe, &c. RICHARD SMITH & C0., WORCESTER. The’ CRITERION CAFETIERE, ARNDT'S PATENT Bxpenete by simply filling the per part with boiling water alt the PALATABLE ASD WHOLESOME he pag OF COFFER, withow BX- TRACTING THE FLY ae SUBSTANCES, 8UC CAFVEINE AND TANNIC ACIDS No possible loss of Aroma. Recommended by the prgnest medical authorities. May obtained at all the eatgek furnibhing Ironmongers in the Kingdc =. Sizes—2 4 ” Block Tin .. 6 48 ie 6/6 Kolied Nickel S/- I2/- 16/- yj 25;- Agents for England, Ireland, and Colonies :— | THUS. P. —= & CO., HU, Sxow Mitt, Lompon, nts for Scotiand :— 12 large cups. 76 R. WYLIE HLL & co. Anorwt Br, » Gtascow. — Best & SAFEST I D om PERFUMERS, IN | ELECANT CRYSTAL | TOILET CASKET price 2/6. ALSO IN PATENT ‘METALLIC BOX | price /- ¢ MS ‘DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA. | For ACIDITY or raz STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION, Act Cusmuets. | lend soo Perfected’ “3” CoD LIVER OIL tasteless as Cod- Liver oit aa te. "— Lancet, “ No nauseous eructations follow after | it is swallowed.”’— Medical Press. | Itean be borne and digested by the most delicate; is the only oil which do« not “ t; 4 and for these reasons the cacious kind in use. In cap- BE bot, 1/4, 2/6, 4/9, & 9/-. LIQUID MALT, formes « valuable adjunct to Cod j Liver Oil. Highly-con centrated and nutritious. A powerful ~ to digestion. ay Neer! remedy Jonsuraption an asting Diseases. | In bottles at 1/9 each. a CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. PARISIAN BONBONNIERES. 8. BAINSBURY invites an early inepection of his Annual Selection of the Latest Novelties |r PARISIAN FANCY BOX ES , Filled with the Choicest Fondants, Chocolats S. SAINSBURY, 176, 177, STRAND, London M°CALL’S PAYSANDU OX TONGUES. CENTLEMEN’S WICS. PERFECT IMITATIONS 0} ATURI Weightloss, no Wiggy op; ance Instructions for measurement on appiicatio CHAS. BOND & SON, 644, OXFORD S#TREKI LONDON, W Bpeciniiste also for Ladies igs and Kealpettcs EPP s$’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTING. COCOA. BROOKS’ MACHINE COTTONS. | HIGHEST “s AWARD. "v? it - [KL A Kee iin ZA v pv HEALTH _// EXHIB" 1884 a te wh

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Decemezr 19, 1885. PRICE PRICE 21/- 7 ELT: 21/- POST FREE POST FREE. ~S GIARNESS PATENT). It is a well-established fact that all who suffer from GOUT, RHEUMATISM, LUMBAGO, SCIATICA, INDIGESTION Mc pe tes L NERVOUS DEBILITY, EPILEPSY, PARALYSIS SLUGGISH LIVER, LOSS OF NERVE POWE , DEFICIENT VITAL ENERGY. and all those distressing ailments consequent on IMPAIR ED VITALITY or DEFECTIVE ORGANIC ACTION, may obtain speedy relief and ultimate cure by mach the ELECTROPATHIC BELT. EVERY MAN AND WOMAN euffering from any of the above ailments, should send at once for an ELECTROPATHIC BATTERY BELT, and obtain relief. Lh cost you 21s., and will afford you more satisfaction, more comfort, and more speedy relief than five times that amount expended in drugs. Stop physicking awhile, try this treatment, and you wil! assuredly be numbered amongst the ever-increasing multitude who daily express their gratitude for the priceless benefits derived from the ‘‘ Electro- pathic” treatment. Don’t hesitate a moment, but sit down at once lest you forget it, and write for the Belt, which will be sent you, Free by Post, on receipt of 21s. READ THE MEDICAL BATTERY GO, 62, OXFORD ST, LONDON, W. READ What the Gentlemen say :— What the Ladies say -— The Attention of Ladies is directed to the follow- NERVOUS DEPRESSION, HEART ing HIGHLY SATISFACTORY CASE,» which DISEASE ALSY. is worthy of the closest iavestigation who L. ©. Bouracter, Esq By ~ Bur ad pes Sa ae ae G auLa ges Hill, Sussex, writes > ug. 27, 1986.—1 have alwa RITIE 8 peculiar to the sex :— intended to tender you my sincere and heartfelt thanas Footer is, » London the benefit I have derived from your advice. I was only writes :—* April h, 1866.—I have received great, beneaé | walting a little longer for my cure to be quite complete. since wearing ELECTROPATHIC BEL’ coring My case was thou = to be quite hopeless, and I never ex- it has improv health every ihe f te pected to be « ach tomger to my family. Since I huve words the satisfaction tt gives me. 1 have not felt so well « ed your EL CTROPATHT applierces I am not the same for years as I have since y I was under man: I feel as well as ever Neowleg os a certainty the the care of a Ph as months, the eMicacy, 1 could say the miraculous effiency, of ) our treat- usua! trregu! ari pict ‘and bad mont, I recommend it to all the sufferers I come across, and I wes contd sie CS ever fee’ when I was 1 shall continue to do so as long as I live. I shall be giad to L THIC T. I cannot reply te to any questions from those requiring further parti- say enoug —— dvearet it, y ey with any lady who ho would lik ¢ further particulars of my anon a case.” DO NOT FAIL to write for the 132 page 4to Pamphlet, entitled, ELECTROPATHY ; OR, HARNESS’ CUIDE TO HEALTH. IT WILL COST YOU NOTHING, and will be sent Post Fres. Important to Invalids.—If you are suf- fering from any slight derangement, with the cause of which you are acquainted, send 21s, at once for an Electropathic Bat want, and obtain relief; and write fora “ ‘Apvies Forx,” which, together with copies ef Testimonials, may be ‘obtained ipattery Free, on lication to the Medical ttery Go., Limited, 52, Oxford St., Rettery PLEASE rorwaxp Exact Size Rounp tae Waist Next raz Sxiy waew oxprsine tax “ ELECTROPATHIO BATTERY BELT.” On receipt of Post Office oo or Cheque, value 21s., crossed London and County Bank, and payable to C. B. HARNESS, The MEDICAL BATTERY COMPANY, Lrurrzp, 62, Oxfo d Street, London , undertake to forward the ELEC TROPATHIC BATIERY BELT. as described above, for either Lady or oe Free oe Post to any part of the United Kingdom. > 132-page Treatise, entitled, “ELECTROPATHY; on, HARNESS’ GUIDE TO HEALTH,” profusely illustrated, and containing numerous well-authenticated Testimonials, will be sent, Post Free, on application to THE MEDICAL BATTERY COMPANY, LIMITED. 52, OXFORD STREET, LONDON, W. "CUBES *s STH AMONIUM THE SPECIFIC FOR NEURALGIA. L 1B ER TY) SAVARS sascntinittnaint, ge@eeoooosooos (iin: TAMAR voat Aficctions, (ough, CHAMPAGNE, | WBE ohh RE Tong ne "Gm tole | Box TISSOT FRERES’, CIGARETTES. — Socccccccccoes =" A laxative and refreshing Fruit Lozenge Virtacz 1980, All mint preserved 25 See we a which we have CONSTIPATION 64., and lls. Of all Chemists, te 57s. and 66s. per Dozen. (BEST HAVANA CIGARS. patdhesni ches ms Hemorrkoids, Bile, Headache, Lowe of Appetite corn sane, AT IMPORT PRICES. {VERY GARDEN and every Prepared by E. GRILLON, y 9 ne AT, IMPO *, the keenest Kuye s, and GARDENER «suited with a superb collection @, QUEEN STREET, CITY, LONDON. *, tie bee: Juie sof valuenow purcha-e theirCiga.sat of ROSES. at prices :anging from 2s. 6d. to 420 Tamar is agreeable to Ly and never produces aretull ached, an a. Paid. F¥ full | j interferes busin alti a ay Cross. BENSON'S, 61, St. Paul’s Churchyard. paste’ angle ae mate cet 9 = bold by al G Chemists and Drug — a box, & “2s. por 10), Sawples,6 for ls. (14 ttamps EWING & CO., Havant, Hamrsuraz. stamp includ NWOTICEH.— The EXORBITANT PRICES charged by West End Tradesmen have induced HUDSON BROS. of LUDGATE HILL, to open Premises at 160, BOND STREET, where PROVISIONS of the HIGHEST CLASS are now sold at reasonable prices. Wiltshire Bacon ("i") 724. perlb. 2. “This is the Finest Bacon the Country produces.” P. (eS Printed by Willem Btuart Amith, oe %, Loraine Rood, ear gy Dod fo tne Farias oo St Merz ot jw thé Precinct of Whutefriars, w the ( Tounty of Mi =, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, w. & Co., Lombard Street, Potish of St. bride, Cit} of Londou-Barvasat, December P by bins ‘ot Ber On, lect Street, in the 19, 06s,

Page 405

Ilustratio nS English Society at Home. pu MAuRIER. Plates om India Pater. 82 2 0——Pictures ‘ , | of Our People. KEENE. 4 Selection of Four Hundred, £111 6 Pictures of Life and from Punch. Character. LEECH. Half vole Py er Brown, Jones, and Robinson. tates a ierscne ™ | Dove. GY "s°—— Manners & —— of Ye Englyshe, Dovze. 4019 6 EIGHTY- NINE. § ouiah S000 8) eae — — a DECEMBER 26, Pune TSA TY penn SSIS AMS. y hl fy z , =i Si 7 ——__ a AS he : XS . 5% : 7 j; | we Xe "i » tty es 1" th St me il 54] (tt 4 Fee’ oan PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL SOOKSELLERS, 3s. 6d. per Dozen, LE DWwe ©” Ss am 5,04, 7a Dosen, ( Dw CPPS Rite falers “S9NS3d S3RYHL! 301d

Page 406

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Decemezr 26, 1885.

THE WEW ELECTORAL DIVISIONS. Just Published, = bait Dantas Sieseesn, GTANFORD'S 1 $. PARLI AMEN- AND HANDBOOK ¥ COUNTY A gperanD AND walas hig iene nine Maps S 4 letterpress containing very ful! in pation relating we Colney Atatistics Loca! Administration, and the Rew Parliamentary Constituencies Maps include, in addition to Maps on a uniform scaie of all the Counties, Plans of Towns reterning more than two Members, coloured to show the New , and twenty-three Physical and Statis- ties! Mapes “~ Ite etility to all who heve any interest In = affairs is evident he whole get-up of the volu nei —- ree and ma is worthy of aise” a — October 86 i? ’ oP oF completeness and compactness iraves nothing to be desired A giance at ite contents shows that ft le far more than a mere county atlas.” —Tuse Sranpann, October 71, 166) Londen: Bow.nn Sraxvonn, 6, Charing Cros, 5. W THE CORNHILL MAGAZINE for JANUARY. Price Sixpence. Conrer ts :— and fae Mra. O\lphant. Chaps a md A Bovelist's aaaaie Aas Bamanaia and {te Shadow Hobie.

In the Rekha Grey Wethers Royal. B the Author of “John Herrine.” “ Mehaish,” "Gn. ape Sxxvn te XL Ilustrated by G. du Watters Lenédom: Surra, Ecpen, & Co., 16, Waterion Place. NOW READY, PRICE SIXPENCE. LONGMAN’S MAGAZINE.

JANUARY —Oowrverte:— of Gideon. Py Walter Besant. Prologue hbeok |. Chapters T., If Suns and Meteors. By Richard A. Proctor Sea-Spella. By D. J. Robertson. A Rustic Comedy. Py P. Anderson Graham. “La Peche Aux Goujons.” Py R. E Prothero. The Third Time. By J. Arbuthmot Wilson. How Actors fared in the Reign of Terror. By Charies Hervey At the Sign of the Ship. By Andrew Lang The “Donna.” 1.—ly the Bditer. 1I1.—RBy Miss Trench London: LONGMANS, GREEN, &@ ©O. FOUR NEW NOVELS. THE LUCK of the DARRELLS. By James Pare, Author of “ By Proxy,” &c. 3 vols., crown 60, Zs. THE RADICAL’S DAUGHTER. By a Peer'sSon. Crown 6yo, BONNYBOROUGH. "By Mrs, A. DT key Aatuer of “ The Gayworthys,” &o. 2 vols., crown 8¥®, lés JOHN MAIDMENT. By Juttay Bronem. 2 Vole, Crown Bro, lds London : LONG MANS, GREEN, & CO. “THE GUW,”’ By W. W. GREENER. MOST interesting hook = arms, H storical aad + ~ all information — ty tne 1S, ans oviertatning. PORE ba , but en n e Illustrations, i0s. 6, .- Si ‘ait eee CASSEL L's, LD., LONDON, Or thé Author, W W. Gueeres, 08, Haymarket, London D. F. TAYLER & C0.’S

ern be ®OLD HY ALL Samrcea (Poser vo Gd. Seams. 89, Newgate St., London, EC. HOPING cout G couGH — 'S evlebra ted effvetual cure Li ,- Crom Wholesale Agents, W. Row nase & Bow. Vietoria Street (formeriy of @, & a, : ch bold by most Chemists. rice @&. per boi tic | MELLOR'S SAUCE

Ww. Wills’® ** Best

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Antwerp International Exhibition, 1885. Geaxo Dirious oF Howovn (Hirouser Awanp). Pauses Mepite—London 1862; New Zealand, 1682 ; Amsterdam, 1883 , London eh Bird’s-Eye.”’

ye 2S // 1. er ar gy @ Comey ee ase B ‘SWEET SCENTS \LIGN=ALOE. OPOPONAX \ FRANGIPANNI. PSIDIUM / May be obtained &, &. Of any Chemist or Sy _ Perfumer.

LAIRITZ’S

PINE - WOOL MEDICAL PREPARATIONS, LADIES’ AND GENT'S UNDERCLOTHING. CREAT ANTI-COUT RHEUMATIC REMEDIES. Awanpep I) Paws EDaLs. Established 1853. against COLDS, NEU- RALGIA, fame. TOOTHACHE ever pecuses 5 the a Sam < — weryone uld use emsel ves. None uine unless eet wife ee Trade Signature. To be respectable Chemists, Hosters, and Dropese. Write for all information, Medica! Te.timoninis, &e., to

Is admitted by Dentists and the Medica! Profession to be the best known CURE for TOOTHACHE. It gives permanent relief constriction of Load. in decayed Beer eee s complete step- ping and renders extraction unnecessary.

From Rev. A « C. late Fellow New oe: Immanuel Charch :—“ West 8.W., 1685. Owing to decay in two double teeth, I suffered for fags rreeom mended to try i. ae i I Se To m th- pain cen I have i, diy derived ad possible ce A from four to five drops of BUNTE z, taken upon a “ad sugar.” NERVINE. PEPPER'S QUININE ano IRON TONIC

BR STRENGTH. EN ERGY. Gi great Bodily, Nerve, Menta!. and Digesti ber _Bottien, 38 aie ad overywheca. bewang Perrea’s Tonic.

Mme. WORTH, ARTISTE EN CORSETS. “Whes Nature Falls, then Art steps ix.” Ladies in and Country are respectfully invited to call or send for Mavame Wonrnu'’s Deserip- tive Clreular. Each figure is specially attended to, and every Corset made from measurements. “ Madame W orth is, with- out doubt, the premiere Corsetizre of the present time, either in England or Abroad, and her success is unequalled.”— Vide Press. CORSETS S adapted to every figure (embonpoint, defurmities, curvature, spinal ec — eae &c.), from 2 nw w *ORTH’ 8 READY- MADE GUINEA CORSETS in white, or 25s, in black, from respectabie — and Dressmakers. Agents appointed. Ser “ WORTH” stamped on busk tastenings and inside C Mado 134, NEW BOND STREET, Lenses, WwW. (Adjoining the Gre evencr G dal j Telephone No 3668 Negistered Telegraphic address, “ Unequalied, London.’ DINNER, “=. ww passencer | | TS, CLARK, BUNNETT & CO,, LIMITED, Rathbone Place, London, W. REVOLVING sm SHUTTERS. ESTIMATES AND PROSPECTUSES FREE. GOLD MEDALS—DUBLIN, 1882; BOSTON, 1883; LONDON (NT. EXHIBITION), 1884. SIR JAMES MURRAY'S FOR ACIDITY, INDIGESTION, HEARTBURN, GRAVEL, AND FLUID MAGNESIA. The Inventor's Pure Original Preparation. ls. Bottles almost Double usual size. Sin Jauus Moanar & Son, Temple Street, Dublin, Baacisar & Sons, Farringdon Street, London.

Town

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INVALUABLE FOR INVALIDS. Mageng cnapented Mfe for weeks when no other Food uld Dr. Hazpwiexs writes:— “ By pep ‘our Jelly will be hailed as a great boon. Sola —a, io le. re: ageoed from the Nesubainey part of the British Tales), or pa Yeu At bie Chemist. London, W. SUTTON & CO., 10.Bow Church Yard. Pam ‘am phiet and Testimoni' post free. EL TEB CO., SHEFFIELD. EVERY GARDEN and every GARDENER suited with a superb collection of ROSES, at prices ran; 6d, to £0. Carefully packed, and For fall ‘ulars, to EWING & CO., Havart, Hamrenie. “FOR THE BLOOD I8 THE LIFE.” C LARKE'S BLOOD MIXTURE. Is warranted te cleanse the b!ood from all impurities, from whatever cause oy Bs Serofula, lane CE ave marvellous, ‘Thousands Mt are of Testimonials from 4 ae guantity ie Ls, each stan for 33 or | {2 stamps, by Tus La ‘Tux Laxcoum awn Miniuse ) ena THEBESTFOOD FORINFANTS Rates Benmore ROWLAND'S KALYDOR om for the

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Mma @ oie ew eo

Page 407

Decempzr 26, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

CROWDED OUT! OR, PUNCH’S HARDY ANNUAL. with his fair burden into the empty saddle of a | runaway horse, perc fg the Park. The infuriated steed dashed down Piccadilly. Pant I.—Janvary JEALovsy. Tux Serpentine was frozen over. The usual motley crowd were disporting themselves on the ice. Chestnuts were in season, and oranges could ~>2 <—eoo . capella 3 wre | Tue Nortu-East Winp—A GENUINE Caristmas NUMB-ER, be obtained very cheaply at Covent Garden. The Pantomime was in full swing at Drury Lane. In fact, it was thoroughly seasonable weather. Epwin pg Boors and ANGELINA DE SLIPPERS were gaily py | vows of constancy as they glided along on the Club Skates, when there was a crash, an ejaculation of horror, and a disappearance. In another moment the loving pair were under water, and alone. But not for . Suddenly they were joined by an Italian, d in a slouch hat and a disguise-cloak. ‘‘ Discovered!’ exclaimed Anoritmna. “My hated rival!” murmured Epwin. It was an embarrassing situation. Parr Il.—Fsgervary Fripetiry. Ir was Valentine’s Day. The limited space at our command will not allow of our explaining how Epwarp and ANGELINA escaped from the Serpentine, but escape = did. And now Anor- LINA, by some mischance, found herself in the Ser- pents’ at the Zoological Gardens. ‘‘ What shall I do?” cried the unfortunate girl, as the Cobras, the Pythons, and the Boas began to devour her. “ Trust in me ! ’’ exclaimed Epwry, suddenly entering the glass-case. Part IIl.—Marcu Moratiry. Ir was very seasonable weather. An easterly wind blew everything into the middle of the fol- lowing week. Hares were at their maddest. Epwin ~ ae (the any of whose a from the of the ts, only exigencesof space prevent us unfolding) were walking down Piccadilly. The young man entered a tobnceonist! ’s alone! When he returned ANGELINA had gone! Seized and abducted by Count Jacko wR Boorzo, she was reclining in a storm on board his yacht in the Bay of Biseay. The frail bark bogan to sink! Part IV.—Aprit AMIABILITY. Tux Row was ing to be fashionable. The man with the "Ean Sos demanding ies. ANGELINA (whose adventures after shipwreck So suite. of seen Aaa, So teed onde e of » was seated under the fast SMasentiog trees listening to the Horse- Guards’ Band. “ me tell you your = ig m lady,” said a individ side 4 But.’ in Fite _ recognised him. “ Epwi disguise. “My own darling!” Then she fainted. He lifted her up gently tate his arms, and vaulting Part V.—May Mapwess. Ir was the Private View at the Royal Academy. All London was there. A crowd had gathered round Epwin as he attempted to lead fair lunatic from the Refreshment-room. ‘‘ AnGE- urna,” he whispered, “do you not recognise me?’’ Her only answer was, with a wild laugh, to attempt to stab him with a carving-knife. Then she rushed into the Powder Magazine, near the Serpentine, and seized a matchbox. The Sentry (who had not observed her entrance) stood aghast ! Her next movement was to light a match ! Part VI.—Juns Junres. Tue Central Criminal Court was crowded. The Counsel for the Crown had summed up the evidence which substantiated the Prisoner’s guilt. There had been told, in detail, the whole story that would have appeared in these columns had only space per- mitted of the narration. The Judge had done his duty dispassionately. Epwrw and ANGELINA, sup- porting one another in each other's arms, with pale

| lips, colourless cheeks, and weary eyes, anxiously |; awaited their doom. The Jury consulted; then they retired to their own room. On their return, in answer to the question, “‘ Are you decided upon your verdict ?”’ the Foreman replied, “ We are!”’ Part VII.—Juty Jewsiiery. Ir is to be regretted that space will not permit of a recital of the escape of Epwiw and ANGELINA from Newgate and the condemned cell. They en- gaged a yacht, and were cruising in the Mediter-

ranean. On account of the hurried manner in which they had to collect a crew, their employéds | were not of very good character. Perhaps the most respectable of them was their mate, a Greek Pirate, | known as Kuturotos. Following the plan given | them by the old Abbé, they soon discovered the | Island of Monte Carlo. Here, on entering the | eave, they found it filled with the most magnificent diamonds. The next moment they heard a voice, and felt the barrel of a revolver grazing their fore- heads. ‘‘ Move an inch, and I fire!” It was Kvururoros, the Greek Pirate. Part VIII.—Avoust AMUSEMENTS, Lucerne was crowded. The table d’héte at) the Sweitzeroff had never numbered so many guests. The story of Epwiw and ANGBELINA’s escape from the pirates (which we are forced to suppress, to make room for other articles) had constituted | them the hero and heroine of the locality. Epwn | and ANGELINA had ascended one of the loftiest | mountains in Switzerland, and from the summit | were admiring the delightful view. Suddenly Epwrn turned white. There wasa slight tremble, and then earth began to move. “ Hold me firmly, darling,”” whispered Epwin in ANGELINA’s ear. ** We are going back on an avalanche!’’ And he told the truth ! Part IX.—Szpremper SPLENDOUR. Count Jacxo pg Boorzo, who, it would have been remembered, had taken a very active part in the Servo-Bulgarian War, had we had space to re- count his adventures, was once again in England He was mounting his horse to go out with his pack of visiting cards, when a telegram was placed in his | hands, ‘’Pristi!’’ he exclaimed, beneath his | breath, and immediately returned to town. He | hastened to his magnificent chambers in St. James's Street. All his papers had been taken! The will | was gone! For a moment he lost his reason. Then | he became more calm, and rowed his eight-oar (he | was thoroughly English in his tastes) to Scotland | Yard. ‘‘ I was expecting to see you,”’ said Inspector | BooxeR, of the Criminal Investigation Department, with a smile. ‘I have traced the whole compli- | cated affair to a man and a woman. It isa long, | but deeply interesting story. Take a seat, and) will tell it to you,’’ Thusinvitedall eager to hear the trath [hee teh into a ehair. The

ed hismemory with a draught from his note-book, and then began. Part X.—Ocronze Oratory. It was the Polling Day of the General Election. Epwiw and ANGELINA (whose extraordinary ad- ventures Inspector Booker told the Court, in confidence, and which we should have reported but for the very small space devoted to fiction in these columns) were, of course, the observed of all ob- servers. After mutual ex it is needless to relate that they had become fast friends with the last of the De Boorzo’s. Consequently th were deeply interested in his success. Natu an , he had contested the county, or rather, one of its divisions. ‘Mia Cara,’ he murmured to ANGELINA, “the two o’clock train will bring a thousand voters to vote inst me.”’ * never arrive! ’’ exclai the lovely and strong-minded girl. Then she entered the signal-box and uettishly chloroformed the signal-man. The « pointed to one minute to two—in another sixty seconds the train (which being on the South-Eastern Railway was never a moment behind time) would be due. With a whirl the en approached. ANGELINA turned the a a white scared face. Suddenly she fai On the engine she had recognised Epwix, who, all unconscious of his danger, was laughing heartily! Pant XI.—Novemper Necromancy. Epwin was inconsolable. After learning the harrowing incidents that would have been related in our last ch had there been room for them, it is obvious he was forced to feel consider- able apprehension as to the safety of ANGELINA. She was with the Greek Kalends in their own mountains, a “T will help you,” ex- eiaimed Dz Boorzo, and dragging him outside the aren pve opened a po pre discovered ~ ights of steps, passed through a stone passage, an found themselves in a hall, where a Masonic Lodge was being beld. Epwrn remembered the stories of the Mysterious Brotherhood that had reached him from time to time, in the shape rather of hints than assertions. Now it was one of his friends who had saved himself from scalping North American Indians by raising his right thumb; now it was another who had been the constant gurst at the dining-table of the King of a third-rate Conti- nental Power by merely jerking his left fore-finger. He perfectly trembled with curiosity. ‘‘ Before you are initiated,’ said the Worshiphul Master, ‘ will tell you all the secrets of our Craft.” And then he divulged all the secrets of Freemasonry, in the following words. Pant XII.—Decemper Detvsrons. Curistmas once more! The mistletoe and the holly! All good things in season. Bills coming in by the dozen. Never was there so much doing at the dear old County Court! A mournfully old- fashioned Christmas! It need scarcely be hinted that, after the many adventures our hero and heroine passed through since the first entered the Masonic Lodge, and the last fell among the Brigands (adventures that only the exigences of space prevent us from publishing at full length), that they were wy to meet again in the large Reception Room of Haunted Hall, Ghost- shire. They were holding high revel. All the neighbours were invited for forty miles round for ten o’elock, when they were regaled with weak tea, Abernethy biscuits, and quartered oranges. After a while Erwin recited to them. The host was in the middle of one of his most unsuccessful “ humorous ** when midnight began to strike on the old hall clock. Gradually the hghts burned blue, and went out. The guests shrieked, and some jof them fainted. There were many there who would have gladly listened to Epw1n’s recitation in preference to this. A ghastly light, and the Count de Boorzo into the room. ANGELINA shrieked, threw up her arms, and swooned. “* Why do you come here?” asked Epwin angrily, for he was annoyed at being interrupted. * I come,” replied the ghost of the Count, “ to tell you all—I know everything.”” And then, having assisted the ladies and ANGELINA to resume their seats, he began his narrative. And that narrative (a will be seen in due course) supplied all the missing links of the present story. (To be concluded next year.)

ise, she !” she exclaimed. VOL, LXXXIx. DD

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[Decumeer 26, 1885, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL PAPER-KNIFE POEMS. “* How can I e’er forget,”—if I’m provided with The diaries, tablets, pocket-books of Messrs. T. J. Sucrrn ? Grorez Fatxwer’s cards we praise. Yes, oo CRA, Too early they appeared, ’twas last September You ll delighted be with the So Scent Fountains of Surrsz, They "ll draw lots of Christmas attackers ! And each girl and each 4 will find infinite j joy— But the hand-painted plase ‘would be hard to ut t! -pain ass ’two surpass— The work of the skilled SpaGnwo.ertrt. While famed Scurrrer & Co. have a ~ foc show, Of Christmas Cards dainty and pretty! There is ALnERT Marx, too, you’ll be glad to look through His choice and his varied collection : You ’ll be puzzled to choose from the studies and views That Hanne sends for yoar inspection. Architectural tricks taught by neat Model Bricks— Young builders, I’m certain that they would s Ne’er one moment forget that they owe a deep debt — og me ee. —- J ‘aby Herwoop ! ere is ing Hood— 8 opera good, By dnsed—commend by De loos ’Tis well suited, I ween, for each small pre queen, Named Wovnre, or Datsy, or Dotta! A DIRECTORIAL HORNPIPE. Arn—“ Jack Robinson.” Tae worries and the flurries of a search are past, When two rubicund volumes arrive at last ! You ’ll find anything you like when your eyes are cast O’er the Post Office London Directoree ! There are streets, there are suburbs, and shops and squares, There are magistrates masons 8,— There are sellers of salt fish, of soap, and shares, In the Post Office London Directoree ! There are scavengers, salesmen, and stevedores, There are bead-stringers, barbers, and eneys haa bores, And keepers of cows, an a Co-operative Stores, ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. It ie printed sad Ooitsied by eae & Go. ba lle. ** ’Tis full of information, and so you know Buburban Belle How DELIGHTFUL IT MUST BE TO SPEND CHRISTMAS IN A To them 0 debt of quiliade we oll mat Rae @reat Country Hovuss—.ike SritTtow GRANGE, FOR INSTANCE.” Delightful Stranger (from London), “‘Yaas. By THe sBrx, Hex Grace or For their Post Office London whepatregeds ! STILTON HAS JUST WRITTEN TO SAY SHE EXPECTS Mz THERE FoR CanisTmas | YOu may take up this book, but you can’t put it down— Wer, S8’posz I sHALL HAVE TO Go!” ryt 4 ——_ guide our on —, “ , ” s us of Smira, of Jones, Ropryson, and Brown Suburban Belle. Wes T YOU FIND IT RATHER Lonsyy! Does the Post Office London Direc Saas F ’ Delightful Stranger. ‘“‘ Lonzty! A—wurt It is bound in red, as you soon may see, Suburban Belle. “‘Becaves I saw 1x To-pay’s Morning Post THAT THE| As works of ready reference are bound to be, Doxs axp Docness anp FAMILY ARE NOT EXPECTED BACK FROM AUSTRALIA | And bound to be well read ’tis clear enough to me, perone Fesrvarr !” [Collapse of Delightful Stranger. Is the Post Office London Directoree ! Mr. Howorth.—Explanatory key to his recent Fair Trade Puzzles IN THE CHRISTMAS HAMPER. contributed to the 7imes newspaper. Colonel Henderson.—A Metropolitan Retriever, un-muzzled, pur- For the Three Emperors.—The Three-Card Trick, neatly packed | chased at the Dogs’ Home, and presented by a Committee of Angry in a box, with directions for performing the same. Correspondents. King Milan of Servia.—A brand new Field-Marshal’s Uniform, tne illing ndboo t. apo oo oe “ss par > Lowe sition “of ‘A Short THE REVERIE OF A POOR SQUEEZED ’UN. Way with the Powers, an air of ar Epaulettes in case (See Wordsworth’s ‘* Reverie of Poor Susan, Y returned through post from > Bt. etersburg At the Esst end of Paul’s, there’s a plot that ’s for sale ; M. Grévy.—Box of Bonbons, labelled “ Presidential Majority.” sy A Mr. Gladstone.—Copy, embellished with illuminated revelations And the I'ress sings out, “ Buy it!”—the ery’s somewhat stale. of Secret Agreement made with Mr. Paxwext. The a and crowded, can tell ll. Mr. Parnell ~ Great Be Seal of the Irish Republic (plated), in case How narrow the roadway, the pavement as we complete, from New York. ’ q ‘Lord Salisbury.— Bottle of “‘ Holdfast” Glue. eee all shaded by trees _ mS. Randolph Churchill.—Sack of Burmah rice, with receipt for With ease and with comfort the busses now glide coming the same la minute. From Cannon Street corner to busy Cheapside ! Hartington.— Box containing pipe and gees of Radical Soap, for blowing bubbles, labelled ‘‘ a present from Birmingham.” A road, ‘‘ wide as Holborn,” allows him to view Sir Wiliam Harcourt.—“* ——— de in its own Juice,” popular air The Cathedral uprising in dignity new; arranged as solo for his own trumpe And a fine open space lets the oxygen roam Sir Charles Dilke.—Round Robin of Thanks from Members of the Where school-boys and merchants once boasted a home. t G t fi of kind] val and ~ uggrageenaecetercn x rr sa iistadl He looks, and his joy grows intense! But they fade— Mr. Chamberlain.—Children’s T geteated, The visions of elbow- som F Bo and shade ; Ny thew’ Acres may Py a Cow, gae the space will be speedily built on, unless containing The Humorous His What Came of Them. wid To the ery fa, “Oh, buy it!” the City’ says, ‘‘ Yes.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDONCHARIVARI, | A adaiie— \ % nied xe , VON ON aoe MR. PUNCH CONCEDES HOME RULE TO THE ONLY TRUE HOME-RULERS AT CHRISTMAS-TIME. through whose want of judgment his bad verses are published to the UN PEU DE SHOWS. world. There is this comfort. however, that, evenif ion Brovenand Epourn were bound by the strictest taskmaster of an Author to produce i pieces at the Gaiety and the Empire, for Christmas. Also Kenilworth, at the Avenue, writ- ten by Mr. Reece and an eminent Librettist, whose name is not unlike Varwey. On the Lyceum Faust I shall take the earliest oppor- tunity of making some learned remarks. This week, alas, there is culprits Boxing Day; but there is also Boning Bigs when ’Ooray for Aladdin urlesquist for his bad verses, by and Horevsros Davriotanus !|——New Lights Harbour Lights— finally hang the Manager-Actors, for old ones, at the Adelphi, will shine ere appears. Nise,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Decemszr 26, 1885. A CHRISTMAS CAROL Being a few scattered staves, from a familiar Composition, rearranged Sor performance, by a Distingwished Musical Amateur, during the Holiday Season, at H-rw-rd-n. Stave 1.—Bewpizzy’s Gmoer. Scrooexston® closed his door, and locked himself in. Thus secured against interruption, he took off his collar. It required of one of Sat oe, mae On Pao entity s good dea en he put on ressing-gown, hi night-cap, and sat ‘jona before the much to take, and he determined to take The ‘ire-place was paved all round There there history, sacred and ‘ane. and Josern and his ren, Plagues of Egypt, and Indian hundreds of figures to attract his had been a blank at first, with power surface from the disjcinted fragments of old Bewnizzy's —_ on have been a copy ** Hambag 1 said Scrooerstowe. hain, the sound of feet upon the » “es humbug, ill!” he though, when, without a through the heavy door, and stood before him—B The same face—the very same. Benpizzy, with his frontal cur his chin-tuft, his usual buck-like vesture, and varnished boots. sBendizzy’s Ghost. chain he drew was about his middle. It was’ made |(for Scrvocestone observed it closely) of despatch-boxes and diplomatic protocols, of blue-books and secret agreements, of many keys of quaint workmanship, Indian and otherwise. ScrooersTone was still incredulous, and fought against his senses. “How now!” said he, ** What do you want with me?” “Much! Many things have since we met.” Bewpizzr’s voice, no doubt about it. ** Who are you ?” “Tn life I was your rival, Benyamrw Dizzy.” “Can you—can you sit down?” asked ScrooczsTowz, looking doubtfully at him. “* Do you think that, like some of your living friends, I have lost my seat?” chuckled Bewpizzr, depositing himself in a chair, as though it were as easy as sitting on a Treasury Bench. ** You don’t believe in me,” o the G “I don’t,” said Scroogzstons. “* Neyer did,” he added, sotto voce “* More's the pity,” said the Ghost, overhearing him. “It might have saved you some rare messes if you had.” “‘ Humbug! I tell you—humbug!” cried ScroogEstonz. _At this the Spirit raised a ery, and shook its chain with a and dep noise. “You are fet »” said Scroogestowe, trembling. “Tell me .| unavailing blood! ;| to heart. Farewell, Witt1am!”’ long as this five Christmas Eves ago. You have laboured on it since. It is a ponderous chain.” Scrooerstone glanced about him ‘on the floor. But he could seenothing. ‘‘ Hear me!” cried the Ghost. “‘ My time is nearly gone.” “TI will,” said Scroocrsrows. ‘‘ But don’t be hard upon me, Don’t be flowery, Bewsamin! Pray!” “*T have sat opposite to you, W1114M, invisible, this many a-day.” It was not an agreeable idea. ScrooGEsTONE shivered, and wiped the piration from his brow. : “That is no light part of my task,” pursued the Ghost, with a touch of his ancient irony. ‘I am here to-night to warn and advise ou.” . “ Thank ee,” said ScroogEsTonE, iy. ** You will be haunted,” resumed the Ghost, “‘ by Three Spirits.” ** |—I think, I'd rather not,” said ScroocestonE. _ ’ ** Without their visits,” said the Ghost, “* you will not'take my tips The apparition walked backward to the slowly opening window, and floated out upon the bleak dark night. ScroogEsToneE follo to the window, desperate in his curiosity. He closed the window and examined the door by which the Ghost had entered. It was double-locked. He tried to say ‘“‘ Humbug!” but stopped at the first syllable. *. ° * * * * Srave Il.—Tue Frest or toe Torex Sprairts. It was a strange figure—like a child in some things, like a stalwart resolute man in others, x like time-worn, hair- ——~ : blanched age, in not a S few. This was not its strangest quality. The figure fluctuated in its distinctness, and shifted in its shape, and vacillated in its apparent pur- pose, being now clear as day, now shadowy and vague as night, now a head without a body, now a_ body without a head, now vigorously advancing, now swiftly retreating, now aimlessly drift- i And in the very wonder of this, it would be itself again; distinct and clear as ever. From _ the crown of its head, however, there sprun a bright clear jet o light, which was doubtless the occasion of its using, in its duller moments, a great extinguisher for a cap, which it now held under its arm. ** Who are you ?” ScrooegEstone demanded. **T am the Ghost of Christmas Past.” **Long past ?” inquired ScroocEsTone. “No. Your past.” The First Ghost is rather put out. The Spirit carried him far and wide, and showed him many things. A studious boy at a big School, a grave eloquent youth at a great , asinger of comic songs rising hope of one Party, the ardent champion of another, the half-reluctant leader of a third. A shifting panorama of réles long abandoned, of scenes half-forgotten. A Senate charmed into delighted absorption by fancy-illuminated finance, a multitude witched into eager enthusiasm by mellifluous moonshine. And the scenes! Snow-spread wastes, a beleaguered Citadel, an ill-led, ill-equipped, but ever victorious army. A sea of faces hotly applauding hotter denunciations of war and waste ! A battered town, a broken square, sand-wastes stained crimson with A belated expedition crawling up an ancient stream! A lonely, heroic, vainly-expectant figure, in a desert-city ! A shriek of treachery, a ery of despair, a wide-sounding wail of bitter, bitter di intment ! **I wish—I wish,” Scroocesrone muttered, putting his hand to his eyes—"* but it is too late now ! “Leave me! Take me back! Haunt me no longer!” cried why ?” “I wear the chain I f in life,” replied the Ghost. ‘Is its would op Kpow the enens ant lng as pattern strange to you f - of the strong coil you bear y ? It was full as heavy ScROOGESTONE, struggling with the Spirit. Scroogestowe observed that its light was burning high and bright. He snatched the | extinguisher-cap, and by a en action pressed it down upon its |

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art Pee et Se rhe eer Pe oe J ee ee Decempzr 26, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 305 head.’ The Spirit beneath it, but, h ScRooeEsTonE pressed it down with all his force, he could not hide the light which streamed from under it in an unbroken, food upon the ground. Srave IlL.—Tae Szconp or roe Tureer Srrarrs. winnie Ghost of Christmas Present,” said the Spirit. ‘‘ Look Sckooezstonwe respectfully did so. It was a pleasant enough spectacle. Broad, Conniney of substantial bulk—nothing vague or : € Hy NA a \) HH Tad 1 NIL lu t! r wali le —,. —— — a), , 4 vaporous about it. A jolly giant, with a bare chest, a blazing a page ad bowl, a ruddy face, an “This is better,” thought Scroocrstore—“ less shivery and yenial and Spirit,” said he, submissively, ** conduct me where you will. I went forth last night on compulsion, and I learnt a lesson which is workin , now. To-night, if you have ESTONE. The Spirit answered not, bu forward with its hand. _3s on one abent haw me things which have not What this Spirit showed him, af Soneht Kies Sepocanerennccnided oysters? Ihav A Merry Christmas to You ! ” Wtt1aM Scrooeestore and Mr. Punch—as you may in the picture —hobnobbing over a Christmas bow! of the latter’s eee yen ’d have conel that the Three oe had not wholl their labours, that the recollections of friendly visita lent a zest to ScrooeesToNE’s enjoyment of a fourth t—that in the Bowl, and that Mr. Punch hoped the best from the influence of the warnings of Bznpizzy’s Ghost upon the future of WriL1am ScroocEstonz, PUGNACIOUS PENMEN. Two French newspa editors fought a duel a few days , and M. a the dramatist, tind M. Lasevuaes a Communist ‘ournalist, alse went out together.} We are told that ti things better in France, But the journalists = hee ta other a dance ; If one man ‘‘ slates” another for what he has done, It is pistols for two, and then coffee for one : Or the small-sword ’s called in to decide which is right, By a dig in the arm, that’s the end of the fight. How too funny ’twould be could we tell in our rhymes, How the Telegraph boldly assaulted the Times, When Arwotp and Bucxte fell out; how Faanx Hrit, Of the stern Daily News, should try Muproxp to kill, Who holds rale o'er the Standard ; or ina Frepericx GrezNwoop, who rules tee Bt Yamede Danette. ’T would be fun if a ¢ were savagely hurled ee ores ae E. Yares of the World ; UTTON OWNSEND agentes yale Of S renown, should it Vanity Fair ; i Seen TG Bowes world bio werk hart todo With Saturday Pottocx and pistols for two. We mag waite on eupeneate oak i Bites bend games, in for these duelling : But we do not go i If an needs to be baoked up by auch i overmuch Foolish then be sure it’s : Let the heme weary Av your to Brother journalists, — t with goose-quill and ink. A propos. Distiapesies Naturalist. Haye you ever known « dog fond of e. an oyster ; but, the other day, wise warner, Mr. Punch. Save that it showed him dark danger | don’t think I’ve ever seen « sandy East, | I saw one trying to eat a muzz Person (who can’t be serious a4 a moment). Really? Well, I ee ute aie ag Note aah Se IP abn Se “Saag

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ioe “OR “THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decemezr 26, 1885. rl Mi i In | ‘ i ir oe! i | ill win ce vd ' iil mM ial DAY. DECEMBER 10! ca il , th || i H | ae “uh A 1 Will — dill ny hi "Wh il 1885. “Iv’s aw Itt Woep THat sows Nozopy coop”! So aT LEAST THE CATS THINK, WHO ARE HAVING IT ALL THEIR Own War! THE WAITS! A Meenry Christmas! Ah! no doubt; And those within seem vastly merry: Meanwhile, ’tis precious cold without | Chilled , nose-tips like the cherry, They find, who ’re trying the experiment, Are scarce conducive to much merriment. Music hath charms! Of course, of course ! But when the instruments all jangle, ven this seems cracked, and oarse, And tune and time are in a tangle. Soothing the savage warming — Seems quite beyond its powers of charming. Whew ! what awind! Leader, play up! Let ’s give ’em so telah dad goaing Perha yA "ll ask us in to sup, Ors while their carousing. Something with less of e and run in it! This wait-ing game has little fun in it. How they are going it inside ! There ’s little RanpoLtpn ing Sotty,! Their very shadows swell with pride, Their laughter ri: ont t and jolly. How different it mig ve been |— Tip ’em “‘ The Wearing of the Green!” If that won’t fetch ’em, will ; And if we cap but play Well, well, we'll try it. Tune up, E Bru! An outside berth in this cold weather Suits none of us. Let’s hope the fates Won't keep us waiting long as Waits! “Tae Srory or maz Heavens.” — The Upper Story. that sounds ON UNIMPEACHABLE AUTHORITY. To the recent authentic revelations afforded by certain well-informed portions of the Press as to Mr. Giapsrone’s attitude and d soley Nationalist It is now no longer a secret that Mr. Pan- WELL and Mr. GLapstonz have met. The which was not intended to come to vested land interests,” and as it iscaleu- may lead to some protests a noisy minority dispossessed of their of the removed Mili ary, ab e -y removed Military, prominent feature in the new Government. n the event of England going to war with es pee ae oe "i es of St. George’s ; | Channel, any European’ Power or ay neutrality is not necessarily imposed on or expected from the Irish Republic, the con- duct of which will be guided by the ciroum- stances of the case as the — but a foreign army will not be allow use Irish soil as a basis for its operations, witheas twenty-four hours’ notice of the fact being given yo Republic to Her Majesty’s Government. It is calculated that this will provide for ny eventualities likely to occur. With regard to minor provisions, it is satisfactory to learn that, though immediately on the "assembling of the Irish Parliament for its first session, the Authorities of Trinity Co . Dublin, will have to look out for themse ves, Mr. Grap- stone has stipulated that Lord Carnarvon shall, either in disguise, or in any other con- venient way that shall seem fit b "the Repub- lican Authorities, have a safe-conducton board the mail packet for Holyhead. Indeed, all that the far- prevision of a cautious and circumspect Statesman can provide against has been eee nd thought wy epee in the f agree —— of which me looked for by ON A POETASTER. (By @ Rabid Reviewer.) from | ‘‘ Nzw Poem, by Sir Bow pz Wow,” I read That old announcement with a thrill of dread. A Critic spake and lo! my fears diminished. “These,” says the Scribe, “are finished poems.” Oh! These blessed tidings mitigate my woe. Thank Heaven, they are finished !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemssr 26, 1885. pel ee ee ee THE WAITS.

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Deceunen 26, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL i eS. re

‘‘Now THEN, CAPTAIN, NEVER MIND THE CHILDREN. I'LL Race you To THE Gate FoR A Parr or Groves!”

THE HUMANE “ HOLBORN.” PROMISING, In the Advertisement of an old friend, the Holborn Restaurant, anata a A ts wie y= ll put forward everywhere, and with stri effect in the outer sheet to carry into effect the details of the recommendations of Admiral of Mr, Punch's Almanack, the Public is formed that this cele-| Gp,uim’s Committee upon Dockyard Ex iture ;” and, as far as brated place of entertainment provides in its * beautiful dining | oan be judged from the selected names, it promises to work well. a the cuisine and the finest wines,” and that the| The presence of Mr. J. Wniaut, C.B. -in-Chief, is in itself famous table Whéte (price three-and-sixpence) from 5°30 till|, guarantee that the Committee will not, in its decisions, go far 9 o’clock”—three hours and a half eating, at a shilling an hour, is| wrong, while that of Captain CHATFIELD argues well e the cheap enough, in all conscience—is accompanied by a full Orchestra, | thorough talking out of all the tions Gn the course of under a distinguished Conductor. ee . j business, will come under its i ion. Mr. McHaxpy, Director of This announcement is most gratifying to charitably disposed and | Stores, moreover, is not likely to prove a soft in giving his opinion ; sym: diners, who, while they are ny yy with the | while Mr. Gorpow Mrices, | of Dockyard Accounts, will, cheer, will no longer be distressed b thought that the | in his capacity of Secretary, be able, while watching which way the usicians may be empty, hungry, end y eyeing the feeders at | wind blews, to eliminate superfluous chaff from his record of the ; o The A ee Sogeeny sare that proceedings, and give all extsensons matter the sack. With such a the dinners are a” ‘a full Orchestra,” and this infor- | nucleus of workers, the Committee certainly starts with everything

mation is really “fall Orchestra” can afford to/| in its favour. SOS Oe a eee ey caesarean Milne 6 bitter- ness or envy. Orchestra is fall have dined ; they have —not to quote it profanely—‘‘ eaten and and risen up (i.e., A Good Opening. mounted to the near Soe to play,” and can contemplate; Tux following appears in the Atheneum :— pn bey wanting little or much below, with the) +. 7ANTED, by an educated Young Man, aged 22,0 PLACE. Can Ai a ty engendered by @ satisfactory =p anil W Paint, snd talk Roskinesque. Address, &e. ” _| This man—he seems to be but he will probably ¢ their Orchestre ty become to fall or, ta epite of tas efforts of tho| st over this in time, and itis after all not his fault~ doce not say ’ Conduetor,” they may doze, and take a few bars’ rest, | What sort of « place he wants. Nor does he say what he can paint. By. the way, who i te But inthe advertisement | Dos be eve i lento to house, pictures park plies! Nor Ww nameless, uctor? Is he so of such exalted rank th ? Of the thing—he

Lieurmartion on Cuanox.—Break up of Frost.

Page 416

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemezr 26, 1885. ey > LITTLE (?) MISS HOUSE OF COMMONS AND Mr. Vice-Caancetton Puycu has received a r which was, he is informed, recently issued by the Authorities of Trinity College, | Dablin. Here it is :— “Trinity Cottzcr, Dusti~.—Norics.—Owing to the disorder which has prevailed of late in the Dining-Hall during Commons, the following Rules will, in future, be strictly enforced :—- _“* 1. There shall be no cheering, beating of the tables, &c., when a Stranger dines at Commons, or under any circumstances. “2. There shall be perfect silence during Grace. “3. No Student shall move from his table towards the door while the Second Grace is being said, but shall remain standing at his place till the Grace is ended. “4. No Student shall walk over the Dinner-table. “6. There shall be no throwing of bread, either during or after Commons. “The above Rules merely contain some of the first elements of the manners of a Gentleman ; and any violation of them, or any act unbecoming a Gentle- man, will be severely dealt with. Tuomas T. Guay, Junior Dean. * December 14, 1885.”" cheer |# brand-new Island has HER SURPRISE BOX OF CHRISTMAS TOYS.’ Scie ae he Le See ** Times” List, Dec. 14th. of course, ‘‘ while Grace is being said,” as, otherwise, the Chaplain, or whoever officiates, himself would have to hold his tongue. Rale 3. Quite right. Observe ‘Second Grace’”’—not “‘ Grace after dinner.” To make it classical and complete, there should be a | Third Grace. But what with these Graces in Hall, and the Graces of the Senate, the Graduates and Undergraduates of Trinity can’t be called a Graceless set. Rale 5. Of course not. The Undergraduates will show them- selves thoroughly well-bred, and not make the Dons crusty. The summing up is oe | correct. Mr. Vice-Chancellor Puncu hopes the Junior Dean will have no further trouble with the Students who would bring down his Gray hairs with sorrow, &e. ; in which case Mr. V.-C. P. would have to com a “ Gray's Elegy.” Be aisy, Boys, will ye now? Anda Merry Christmas to alljof you that can’t get away, or who have, to quote Mrs, RamMsBoTHaM’s Shakspeare, *‘ to labour in their vacation.’ Just in Time! Taz United States Consul at Samoa Saturday's Zimes, that on the direct so said a paragraph in of the Californian steamers risen quite unexpectedly out of the sea. Let Mr. PaxwELt at once annex it, take his friends out, with plenty of provisions, andScommence Home Rule on a small e New Daama, rv SevenattAxe, Br W. E. G.— Woodman Bland ; or, The Dim Future. @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by « Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover, MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, utless accompanied Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders.

Page 417

DecemBer 26, 1885.} PUNCH, OR THE

Azsty Thought at .. Taos 6,288 Alter the Election, 29 “ After the Sotamnater Play, 299 After-Thoughts, 191 Age of Unrest (The), 124 Agricultural i (The), 106 “ all at Bea!” Collie, #70 Alleged Crasity, te aC All my Eye Art, 261 All of a Piece, 274 All Over 5 294 Amateur Yachtsman (The), 101 “ and is Old Double dead?” 85 Archidiaconal Function (An), 249 “arm, Arm, ye Brave!” 46 *Arry on oy Cove —1 229 " on the t , 277 is hearing Cross Station, 202 At the Albion, 251 Babes on the Wood, 230 Ballad in Posse (A), 262 Ballad of the Great 289 Ballad of the peentheet, 4 Battle of the Baggage (The), —_—<s Frogs and Mice (The), 258 Bemused Voter (The), 266 Black Board (The), 168 Board =, 206 Bom! 220 Book of Badminton (The), 256 co-sur-Chemin- de-Fer, 209 Bradshaw's Fun, 89 Brer Wolff tackles Old Man Turkey- Buzzard, 81 Sry Tragedy (The), 7 By « Blandford Biue, 179 Ca.iixo them Home, 246 Can vassio + 62 Canzonet by the Chancellor, 174 ——- ottings, 96 Carolines and Penny-a-liners, 188 Case of Heartless Cruelty (A), 48 Cases for Colney Hateh, 263 Cooling Down, 166 Corker for the Member for Cork (A), 277 Correction (A), 251 Cost of a Sixpenny Telegram, 170 Crocus League (The), 220 Crowded = ! | ad s08 Cry from Epping Forest ( Ory of the Unemployed a 214 Cum Grano, 287 Cyclomania, ll —_— of Creation” and Practical Poli- jes, 222 a in the Country ” (A), 11 De Lunatico Inquirendo, 162 re 85 Disclaimer (A), 274 Disenchanted Castle (A), 97 Disestablisher’s Diary (The), 298 ** Ducal Creature ” (Tbe), 283

Election Battle (A), | Ear of Shaftesbury—In Memoriam, 173 | Early Gooseberry (The), 29 | Eastend-on-Mud—“ Edition de Luxe,” 118 Ego and Non-Ego, 24 | Election Intelligence, 275 Election of the Lord Mayor at the Guild- hall (The), 238 End of the Cricketing Season, 143 ” ee as be is treated ” in Germany,

1 Eoglish Abroad (The), 185 Essence of Midlothianism, 264 E-sence of 9 10, 52, 64, &c. Eton v. Harrow, 29 “Excelsior! Excelsior |” 181 Extracts from the Diary cf an Eminent Citizen, 145 7 Fawkee—et Prasterea Nibil, 291 Filling up at Philippopolis, ‘267 * Final, Conclusive, aod Binding,” 294 First-rate Obance (A), 225 Fitzdotterel, 108, a“, 183, &e.

“ Good Words |” 198 Grand Old Minstrel (The), 285 Granville Express (The), 178 Greek meets Greek, 757 Grounds for Alarm, 209 Hare and Rabbit, 218 Hanwell Festival (The), 87 Harassing the Hovas, 71 “” Hard Lines,” 75 Hateful Habit (A), 184 Haymarketing, 60 Heckling a Heckler, 262 Helen of Camberwell, 269 High Sk y-High Compliments, 77 * Hoop-lak 1” 181 Horsleyana, 206 How Brer Rabbit lost his Bushy Tail, 80 How Brer Turkey-Buzzard bothers Brer Wolff, 1¢5 *“* How Shall we Three meet again?” 270 | How they Settled it, 204 Ho to Do it. 281 Humane “* Holborn” (The), 809 Hum of Bee, 258 “I pow’r Care a Rap!” 86 “ Improvement” at Eton, 273, 281, 298 In a Hammock, 88 “In for a Dig,” 238 In ‘‘ Northern Latitudes,” 240 In the Christmas Hamper, 302 In the Paddock at Doncaster, 155 In the Temple — 1 Invitation (An), 26 Irish Horse and bis Master (2) (The), 115 | Irish “ Vampire” | Irrepressible Tourlet ( a hes Izaak Walvon’s(completely) Done Angler, 83 Jake by Jeremy Diddler, 221 Just Another Sniff, 105 | Keertxe the Wolff from the Door, 147 Key of “ Gladstone s Door” (The), 59 “ Kind Inquiries,” 254 | King Theebaw, 104 | Last Growler (The), 119 | Latest Iatelligence & la Mode, 121 | Lay of Lawn Tennis (A), 70 Lays of a Lazy Minstrel, 134, 154, 279 Letter-Bag of Toby, M.P., 149, 158, 180, | &. Letter to Ashmead Bartlett, Esq., 184 Letter to the Right Hon. J. Chamberiain, 298 | **Life im London Hygienically Con- sidered,” 221 Lightly Handeling, 4 Little Holiday Cruise (4), 160 Little Music (A), 252 | \ 71 us tie, ; \ : insnnll id oe ge Yen | Lo! and Behold!” 71 Log of the “ me ine an 96 London in September, 1 London “uy Board and 4 the “ Saturdey sombeing head, 150, 298 x A . Lord Mare’s Day, 249 Masesty and Magic, ** Make your Games!” Making the Best of it, e | Man for the Place (The), 262 Manifest Correction (A), 98 Mummers Maligned, 15 | Mares at the Manshun House (The), 194 | Mero. on Some ah 209 “Milk Below |” 28 Mock Heroica with a Vengeance, 100 Model Wife (The), 129 Modest Flower (A), 245 agg it, 150 Mr. Punsh's 6 Political Address, 244 | ey 8 Appeal sr 276 | Natrmer for Choice, ol — 1 291 New Captain (The), 18 | New Colours, 208 New Departure ( A), 465 New Elysinm tres, 110 New House of Commons (The), 255 | New Reading, | New Skool of Gildball Musto (T. ©}, 58 | New Words and Old we toy e ” or Nothiag, 23: oy en in North Lambeth, 275 No Memory _ Notes by Nibbs, 83 otes from the Church Congress, 191 prong from the fav of a City Waiter, 25 “* Not for Joe!” Oh, the Joy of it! 28 * Old Times come again no more |” 209 “ One-Gunner ” (A), Da One Warning More ! 7: Oa Unimpeachable Anthortty, 806 Open Door (The), ng Our Advertisers, 21, 177 Our Booking Oflce ”, 189, 193, &e. Our London Lazar- bouse 225

Page 418

312

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARi. [Dzcememr 26, 1885,

Paper-Knife Poews, 214, 154, 276, &c. Papers from Pumphandie Court, 18, 72 Parnell and bis Pinnk, 197 Parrot Ories, 14 Pastoral Piayers (The), 18 Peasant Proprietor se ey “ Peasant to his Pig” (The), 281 Perils of ag ee yf Philosopher Out hy Picture Papers (The), 2138 Piague of Adjectives (A), 74 Plea for the 1s (A), 281 Poeta Cornered, 29 Politioal Kisses, 274 Political Polo Match (The), 188 Philistine on the Primrose, 128 Politics and Politeness, 205 Potting Prizes, 204 Prehistoric Man, 203 Premier's Primer (The), 5 Professors of Poetry, 275 Proof very Positive, 74 Protest (A), 58 Proverbial Pepys 4 19 Public and the “ Publics ” (The), 116 Puguecious Penmen, 205 Punch’s Oceasiossl Febles, 17 Queen's Bnglieh (The), 61 Questiovabie Ccnvert (A), 174 vaid Quo, 166 Sates cove Board, 57 Quite New aod Entirely Original, 50 Kaimnarce Warning, 90 Readings for the Recess, 112 ** Ready, aye Ready!” 142 Real Watts (The), 14 Reappearance of the Popular Favourite, bey Reasons of my non-Return (The), 278 Recreation avd Rowdyism, 84 Rectification (A), 16 Return of the Tourist (The), 208 Reverie of a Poor Squeezed ‘Un, 302 Revised Versions, 4/4 Revolutionary Squadron (The), 1 Rboyme by a Newcastle Radical, 287 Rich and Rare, 500 Righta of it (The), 261 an Ring and the Book ” (The), 41 Rival Umbrelias (The), 170 Robert decides how to Wote, 265 Robert on the River, 87, 124 Robert versus Roberts, 257 Rowers on the Lea (The), 99 Rowland for an Oliver (4), 87 Royal Wedding (4), 38, 58 Sarery on the Sea-shore, 88 8.A. Macceuvres (The), 99 Sanitary Sage (A), 210 Beare for Sportemen (A), 192 Belling Off, 60 Sentimental Humanity, 179 Sheriffs’ Day ia the City, 3 Bheriff's Office and the Sheriff's Officer (The), 243 Bhort Anecdote by Ben Trovato, 194 Bhort Holidsy Cruise (A), 196, 148, 172, &c Shot in the Dark (A), 142 Bbowing their Hands, 174 Bhow Off, 207 Billy Commander (The), 217 Bingular Shot (A), 111 Sir Moses Montefiore, 70 Bir Ralpb Allen Gosset, 275 “ Bix of One,” 149 Smells of Lea (The), 117 Soap-and- Waterless July (A), 9 “Bold!” 226

|

Thames and ite Tributaries (The), 63 New Captain (The), 19 That Cow Again ! 285 “ Not for Joe!" 285 Theebaw s , 278 One Warning More! 79 Thetr Own Mixture, 65 Open Door (The), 175 to do!” 58 Political Polo Match (The), 189 Reappearance of the Popular Favourite, 273

ork Those Forty Years, 287 a Sides Something like a Heckle, 287 Bomething to Read, 170 Bong and Suggestion, 261 Bong at Scarborough, 120 Bong for Skegness (A), 157 Bong in a Smock Frock, 168 Boug of an Oatsider, 166 Bong of a Slow Movement, 96 Bong of the Signalman, 170 | Sorrows of a Metropolitan Candi- | date, 157, 206, 285, &e. Speaking Geverally, 141 Bporting Events, 69 | Beeb! 15 | * Steady, Bir, Steady |” 17 Btee! Pegasus (A) 268 * Stock-a-Buy-Baby !” 242 Substantial Grievance (A), 209 | Bundasy Closing. 227 Buper-human Nature, 109 *“ Buper’s” Complaint (The), 45 | Surprisal of the Pittest, 16 | “Sword is Mightier than the Pen " (The), 207 Tauz of a Whale (The), 1/0 Tales of Hope, 61 Tender, if True, 115 Tennyson's Trouble. 59 *Terrible Child ” (The), 116

| Needy Friend and Lucky Speculator, 251 | New Fourth Party (The), 47 New Ministry in Old Attitudes, 10 Objections to Seaside Resorts, 74 Old and New Styles of Duelling, 81 Old Lady aad Draper's & Old Lady and Railway Porter, 82 Only True Home-Rulers (The), 308 Our Own Court Circular, 299 Over-praising Sir George’s Wife, 42 |

| Shooting Distelets 1 Shooting the Dog, 117 Small Boy and Stranger at Sea-side, 90 Steward and Sea-sick Passenger, 179 Street-Boy and Tricyciist, 225

t | Lady hooking a Fish, 150 Pauper’s Medical Dose (The), 89 Piano at the Country House (The), 78 Playing Lawn-Tennis in the Rain, 254 | Policeman and Two Organ-grinders, 227 Portrait Painter's Looking-glass (A), 210 Powers waiting for the Verdict, 255 Prince's Next Tour (The), 190 Princess of Wales's Picture (The), 46 Publishers in Novelist’s Rooms, :58 Publishers’ Trade-Merks, 265 Punch addressing Electors, 244 Punch and the Ignis Fatuus, 110 Punch's Wheel of Fortune, 290 | Purchasing a Tricycle, 85 Railway Station on Regatta Morning, 3 Raining Pheasanta, 157 Randolph as Puck in Office, 27 a Ge an &6 Reason for Buying Champagne, 11 Reform Club (The), 268 Remedy for a Sore Throat, 111 Robert's Turtle Banner, 249 | Rothechild’s Sootb: -Syrup, 68 | Sacks in the House of Commons, 52 | Salisbury and Harcourt on Sherry, 743 Salvation Black Man and Farmer, 220 Scoteh Professor on Jokes (A), 14 Sea-side Studies, 98, 133

Rosebery and Prince of Wales, 51 Rosebery’s Broad a rown accompanies Bagpi 180 Miss Gladys’s Lawn-Tennis Shoe, £0 Miss House of Commons’ Toys, 310 Mistakes in French Exercise, 100 | Model British Matron and Statue, 195 | Molly's Sach, 194

baard's Horse in a Cab, 88 Telegram, 167 the W: Fan eeting at Institution, 15 of Several Companies (A), 298 41 Suburban Belle aud Stranger, 302 Sultan and the — Boy, 182 Sweeper-Boy and Fine Days, 118 Tailor and Customer's , 1 Tasting ey but Water, 95 Tommy brings his’ Chang ommy 3 his © in Toffe 6, 38 ° — y's Feeling after Smoking, Topics of the Day,158, 180, 189, do. Tourist and the Gravedigger, 214 Trade-Marks for Publishers, 253 Trade-Marks for Well-known Firms, 277 Treading the Hay in Scotland, 162 Turkey and Wolff (The), 147 View of the Corn Exchatge, 207 Visitor and the Cup of Tea, 278 Wimbledon Whims' 26 Whose Train is it? 170 “Who 's St. Paul?” 67

t BRADBURY, sGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WSITEF® ARs,

wa ae | Ci ttl—xXx--=: everodowsg FH Oe t8 Jn Podge arare sou w4qd FrPrEBesco PNAIGLETEVR SPrertvoere see

=

Page 419

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Dzoumssr 26, 1885.

Dr, T. Wanaxen, LL.D., Intercollegiate Law Lecturer at Cambridge University, writes: ‘‘I have used St. Jacobs Oil in tk family for rheumatism and a Se wit. the most astonishing and sand gretifying sesule. . < RIcmARD Oneauarnpzn, Ztpsie, Ger- Museum ; Pe. sie theo AM.G.8.; @ of Fremde asi), writes: “I was permanently iy aurea ot rheumatism by 8t. acobs Oil. It is a marvellous remedial discovery, sad I will never be withous i.” Gen. tw Lweatu Quartermaster- General, U.S. Army : * St, Jacobs Oil is the best pain-cure we ever used.” Joun Rotrz, champion bicyclist of Aus- writes; ‘‘In my six _— contest in Melbourne for £500 and the cham LF the Australian Gotonies, St. Jacobs was my on. The = = use simply me. No matter stiff and sore I was from over-exertio: pr well rubbed with the Oil, al vanis I shall never enter another contest without it.” Laverroot “ Darty Post.” The Liv Daily Post says: “ St. Jacobs Of! marks a most decided advance in the science of cure. powers seem truly magical.” Epwiarp Hiwtay, America’s champion oarsman, of Toronto, Canada, writes: “1 have found 8t. Jacobs Oil invaluable for ness and soreness of muscles, and for a. No athlete should be y Avsraatiay Orrwroy, The Sy yaney ( (New South Wales) Evening News says: “* Never in the history of Aus- waha bene motions ae accepted with such general ap; as 8t. Jacobs Oil, Eminent divines, indges, merchants and athletes have given their approval with marvellous unanimity to this remarkable remedy.” Catcurta’s Exposition. At the Calcutta International Exhibition of 1884, the judges and jury, after exhaus- tive practical tests, awarded a Gold Medal to St. Jacons Ort for being the best pain cure. No such award has ever before or since been given to a proprietary medicine. In addition to this, St. Jacons Or received five other Gold Medals at and local Expositions. Mr. R. Buriex, Master of Arts, Cambridge University: “I was permanently cured of rheumatism by St. Jacobs Oil, Its curative powers are marvellous.” Mr. Writ1am Bucnawan, for 24 years engineer in the Cunard Steamship Com- sr y be igen | o St. John’s Road, kdale, verpool, writes: ‘‘ I suffered two years of from an affection in the which six atx phy sic’ 2s pronounced incurable, They be | divide a in —- as to whether it was 0 door, St. Jacobs Oil was oieiad tome Treat It acted like magic. It saved my I am well and hearty, and have had he return of the trouble.”’ ST. JACOBS Pieveaigse is the only ae ae for Ee ee aoe ae em 2s. 64.; Chemists per every pla amy

ARMY & NAVY SCOTCH WHISKY, “MONS MEC.” THE FINEST OF ALL SCOTCH WHISKIES. 42s. per Dozen Case ; 2is. per Gallon ; Cash. Carriage Paid to any Railway Station in England. Order through your Wine Merchant, or from The Proprietors, ARCHD. AIKMAN & CO, EDINBURGH. Estrascisuep 1811, Cheques crossed Roya! Bank of Scotland. CORK DISTILLERIES COMPANY GIX PRIZE MEDALS FOR HISKY. First Prise Medal, Philadelphia, 1876 ; Gold Medal, Paris, 1878; First Prize Medal, yaney , 1879; Three Prize Medals k, 1883, » full flavor a and j a -yree: as fine one could wish to ses."— Seer bows Awan, Cork Exhibition, 1883, THIS FINE OLD IRISH WHISKY pert be had of the epiled to whole. Wine and Spirit Dealers, and is su sale merchants in casks toate cases by CORK DISTILLERIES COMPANY LIMITED), MORRISON'S ISLAND, CORK. LIBERTY CHAMPAGNE. TISSOT FRERES’, Viwtaesx 1980, 57s. and 66s. per Dozen. SOLE AGENTS, LIBERTY & CO., Spring Gardens, Charing Cross.

COLD MEDAL, PARIS EXHIBITION, 1878. KINAHAN’S «rx cxnx mapas LL aii WHISKY. WHOLESOME, THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865. 20, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET,LONDON, W.

|

Imported direct from the Pian- tations of that name, known to produce the finest Rum in the est Indies. This brand has attained a world-wide reputation for its fine aroma, excellent bouquet, and extreme age. Bold only in square bottles with red capsules, Of Grocers and Wine Merchants every where, and CHRISTIE'S, 25, Milton 8t., E.C.

7 AL etl EXHIB" 1884) he 7%

“The National Table Waters.” "SGP . ELLIS'S RUTHIN REGISTERED. WATERS EstaBlisuep 1886, “it

Soda, Potass, Seltzer, L de, A Ginger Ale, For Gout: Lithia Water, and Lithia and Potass Water, ASK FOR ,ELLIS’S. Soup EverYwusne. SOLE ADDRESS—R. ELLIS & SON, RUTHIN, NORTH WALES. London Agents: W. BEST & SONS, Henrietta Street, Cavendish Square. GRANT’S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. The delicious product of the famed Kent Morellas. Supplied to Her Majesty at all the Royal Palaces. GRANT’S MORELLA CHERRY BRANDY. ~~ with water, hot or cold. Beware rf un- holesome imitations. Ask persistently for GRANT’S MOR CHERRY BRANDY. Inquire for it at a Bars and Refreshment Rooms. T. GRANT & 6ONS, Distillery, Marpsrons. CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD, GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, les. 20s, the Gall; 60s, the Doz Canarsoe Pain, RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N.W. BOTTLING sTORES— Broomesuay Mansion, Haar Srarrtr, W.C. Agents for Indisa—CUTLER, PALMER, & 60,

Casa Onxr.

HOWARD BEDFORD PORTABLE RAILWAY. SMITHS cotcuester LIVE: LONG nists CAN DY Pika bone th, ie Miwa. rae = CY San. po) a SHENSTONE (late Suita & Suxystown), Manufacturing Chemist, COLCHESTER, _

DOUB 10N ARMY REVOLVER, os eupplied to HM. War Department. wap Binet. ~ pe Ph Uaited

PUNCH AND JUDY BANK. Full size, 74 inches high; 6) inches wid i Paty me barby ow Str 4 ‘Durable. High!) nis he 4 jant Colours. attractive. 4s. 6d cach Diazorions.— First ail oat the bolt at the sid Judy is Span te 2 peat receive the coin; th lever under so sreseed down, when Punch rushes ot “= ishing a club, Judy turns quickly, and its the coin in the Henk To be had of Ironmongers avd Fancy Warehouses or will be sent direct on veey of price “an IDustrated List of other Mechanical Toy Money Bank we yp} m by— HA KNOX@ American Hardware Merchant, 11 oUNDaDIT H, LONDON Agents for Burope of the Ame: {oan Mechanical Toy Money Bank Manufacturing Company

POWE L'S BALSAM ANISEED. For Covens, Asruma, Baowcurris, &c. & Chemists throughout the world. No fanilly should be without it. Paris, Heal, Roberts, Hogs Brussels, Pharmacie Delacra; Geneva, lak Ko Kolff, atablished over 6 by 7 THOMAS POWELL, Blackfriars Rosé, Lond LEA & PERRINS'’ SAUCE. LEA a Pee i ye which are caleula to deceive the Pubiic, Lash Pas nina beg to dru attention to the factina h bottle of the Original and Genuine WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE Law dhirrie *,° Bold Wholesale by the Proprietors, Worcester Geom th Biscaw sir, London , and Export Olimen

Savon generally, Retail by Dealers in Sauces throughout the W orld EPPS’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTING.

THE NORMAL DIURETIC APERIENT

Page 420

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Decemsen 26, 1885. COLLINSON & LOCK, - LATE JACKSON & GRAHAM. ARTISTIC FURNITURE, of the Soundest Construction and Finest Workmanship, at prices to suit all requirements. HAND-MADE SILKS, BROCADES, AND TAPESTRIES. Their large premises contain examples of COMPLETELY-FURNISHED ROOMS, and the largest stock of really HIGH-CLASS FURNITURE in the Country. ORD STREET. 69 to 80, OXF GOLD MEDAL, ANTWERP, 1885. TADDY & GO., LONDON. | L. oF [75% Gren or SAMUEL BROTHERS se ole invite PATTERNS an their NEW MATE- RIALS for the Present Season, These are for- warded post free, with the ILLUSTRATED PRICE LIST, con- taining 250 En- gravings, illustra- | ting the most becoming and fashionable styles of Costame for the wear of Gentle men, Youths, Boys, Eten” Suit, and Ladies. SAMUEL BROTHERS, MEKCHANT TAILOKS, OUTFITTERS, 4c., 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpon, E.C, = + “You Syouip Try THEIR, Meare Grove.” eer man of bust eakened br the strain 7 duties, ovoid climulants and take HOP BITTERS. ow are a man of letters, tolling over your mid t work, to restere brain and nerve waste, take ‘HOP BITTERS. Ifyou ere eng Se Seer teen are take ee |i mo GERMAN HOLLOW-GROUND RAZORS. erase. J WAYS READY FOK a. The finest Mazor ever manufectu Mr. Hexay Iavine writes— “1 Gnd your —_—— excellent.” The money i be returned if the ors are hot as represen Black eote. + rad Fone. In ther Ca: o complete P 7. 1 Pair im Leather Case . ine oa see aie. 04 . 4 Re Bis. Gd. .... We * 7-Day Cases complete . Boe. Od. 63s. Od. 7 all Dealers, or direct from the Englieh Depot, , FRITH ST., 8OHO SQUARE, LONDON, W. | sufering trom ant vver-induigence, HOP BITTERS. If you are married or le, old or you, suffering eee ~ a bed uf HOP BIT TERS. Have you prarersts, RIDRET OF Unt ons CoMrLaln®, disease of STOMACH, BOW BLe 7 rv ea, oF weaves? You will be cured i een take HOP BITTERS. NEURALGIA, An Eminent Physician writes :—“I know of no remedy so efficacious as EKYN’S NEURALCIC PILLS. Their value, to those subject to Neur pahaio, and Nervous Headache cannot be overestimated Sold every where, 2s. O¢. per Hox FIVE COLA ME Al ORWICKS BAKING POWDER FOR CAKES. PAS B |PEPTONIZED MILK (PATENT Wholesale Agents: BARCLAY & SONS, London. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILK| Por all of weak digestion. Always available as a Hestorative and delici- ous beverage. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED MILE For the Invalid No digestion required. For Weakly Children and Convaiescents. Deiicious in coffee or tea. CONCENTRATED EASuel F COMFORT AB TEETH he use of this valuable mouth wash ENTIRE FREEDOM FROM TOOTHACHE 20 TEET Gistinguished b — i th Tops in a little will not onl will pre-erve ti TILL THE END. Tha’ children's use. M. Surz also rec: By using exclusively this form of milk, the Fisks of infection, inseparable from the use of ordinary milk, are entirely avcided. SAVORY & MOORE, y z of tartar nd whiten the teeth. NEW BOND STREET, LONDON. tt y--y WILCOx & Tine, 20. 6d. each, obtainable everywhere, )., Free by Parcels” Green Thread, 4s. ; ’ ’ Yellow Thread, 2s. 9d.; Red Thread, 3s. ; Orange Tooth-Paste, 4s. 64. Sues Tooth- Brushes, ls. 64. COLD MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, 1884. ROSES’ Well rooted, many shooted, truly named, of matured vigorous growth, and of the best kinds. Bushes, Gs. per doz., 60s, per 100. Standards, lés. per doz., 106s. per 100. Packing and Carriage Free for Cash with Order. Cavtion.—To guard imitations, see that each name, “ Wileoz + Co., 239, Oxford Street, ig et = py ey the worst attack of 4g ima, CHITIS, HAY FEVER, and sm BREATH. Persons THESE WORLD-FAMED ROSES CANNOT FAIL to GIVE rar GREATEST SATISFACTION, DESCRIPTIVE LISTS of ahoyoana following free =r Fruit I: ress, Evergreens, Plower- tn mg Shrubs (6. per doz.!, Clematis (12s. to 24s. per doz.), Koses in Pots 18s. to Ss. per doz), Herba- ceous and Alpine Piants (a good selection, 4s. per doz., whe. per 100), Vines (3s. 6d. to 10s. 6d.), Stoveand y_and short breath, Greenhouse Plants, Forest Trees, Seeds, Buibs, £c. in instantly cheek @ RICHARD SMITH & C0., promote olcep, a the poten to pe coughing, pea =. vaiuah jess, and may be most delicate .,from W. aunt Are perfect by ladies, children, ca moet =» Kes of ‘igarettes, 2s. 64. WORCESTER. Chevion.— 76 guard apa fraudulent . imitations, see t box bears name of THE fret tered BROUGHAM | ° * Wileoz + Co., 239, Oxford Street, London.” ud gained the Medal. Forms an Open | or Close Carri pane | ie the lightest and most ele- | ant Hansom allt. r Private use only, New o | ale, and Drawings } ata —Apyly, JNO. MARSTO aco, 24, Maavronp Brazer, Kin RMINGHAM. TO SMOKERS .- | SERVICES, BEWLAY'S ce lebrated INDIAN ah anid celebrate Se, aoe | HLM. THE QUEEN and the COURTS of EUROPE. LARGEST COLLECTION IN LONDON. Inventions MORTLOCK’S , CHINA AND GLASS Straws), of peculiarly delicious flavour and = Patterns Carriage Paid. Discount 15 per Cent. BEWLAY & CO., grance. Vide Guaruic @, Graaxn, and 143, Cuzaremps. Est. OXFORD ST. & ORCHARD ST., W. 1780. “THE MONT DORE OF BOURNEMOUTH.” RESIDENTIAL AND BATH ESTABLISHMENT. South aspect, in large Grounds, facing the Public Gardens. aN? 87 TT ne ond Sanne Sa ae Pry Y—* Deve Wait riparia he rng at Anveren Saale erudion tt een, and pn For fall partionlons, tari, he , apply to Furnished by Messrs. James Shoolbred & Co. Warmed and Ventilated throughout. oepitend ond Ski iard, and Rooms, a fine Music Room, Lawn Tennis Courts, &c. ’ _N W and all Baths. ee eam Rew eedle, td many othe Medicated p Hoaslntion ee Halls for Inhalation of apour and cod Wataru fo principal Physician at Mont Dore, Auvergne. Both and =f

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