Punch 1885-10-24: Vol 89 Iss 2311

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| NOTICE.—A4 NEW HUNTING STORY, by Wannverer, with Illustrations by G. Bowers, 2s in the Press, and will shortly be published. OTHER BOOKS | ACROSS COUNTRY. With 22 Coloured Illustrations and | FAIR DIANA. With 22 Coloured Illustrations and 70 By WANDERER. numerous Sketches. By G. Bowers. Price 12s. 6d, Sketches in the Text. By G. Bowers. Price 12s. 6¢, BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., & 9 1, BOUVERIE STREET, FLEET STREET, E.C. a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocropsr 24, 1885. NEW AND POPULAR NOVELS. THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD. Py A.J. Dorrrece. 3 vols. A PAIRE DAMZELL. By Esuz DOROTHY DRAKE. By entice H. Moons. 2 vols WHAT’ 's HIS OFFENCE? By The Two Miss ee THE ‘VERGE OF NIGHT. By THE LAW FORBIDS. By HURST & BLACKETT, Publishers ‘THACKERAY’S PARIS SKETCH BOOK. * ny is published a People’s Edition of the shove Work, with more than Fifty lliustrations, many of them from the original designs of the Author Price ONE SHILLING. Surrn, Ripea, & Co., 16, Waterloo Place. RUDDER GRANGE. STOCKTON. is sparkling with Javipn Doveras, and at ali Booksellers and Hookstalls ‘A delightfal wit and humour. Just Ready, the NOVEMBER Part of “THE SEASON” LADY'S ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE. Hawi 2 DEVOTED TO FASHIONS EXCLUSIVELY. 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Ssralr i PRSTRIS RR FPP eC! lll BRCASSSRE Qcroser 24, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL q TOPICS OF TO-DAY. Treated by Dumb-Crambo Junior. Stormy Meeting of the ServianS- kup-tebina. Macaid 0! near. Calling out the (P) reserves. Small All-’ot-ments. OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Royalty Restored, in Two Volumes, by Mr, Firzezracp Motor who professes to give us a social history of the Wits and Beauties of the Merry Monarch’s Court. The work is written in a pleasant style, tinged with an affectation of the mannerisms of the period he is describing, which assimilates fairly well with the quotations from EvityN, Pepys, and such well-known writers. But such a social history ought to have been @ chronique scandaleuse, otherwise it tells us very little with which we were not already acquainted. The horrors of the Plague, details of the Great Fire, the story of | he Popish Plot and of that scoundrel, Trrus Oarss, neither a Wit nor & “is of the Court, should have had no place in this social tory. the vie intime of RLES and his dissolute Court = throw into the shade the stories of the Regency, then in these ys of memoirs and revelations, we shall ually come to look upon the Second Caries and his friends as much maligned, and to mse whether, by some typogre error in History, the Merry is not a m nt for oral Monarch. From the expec- tions which Mr. F. Morzor in his preface had raised, we were dneppointed with this latest edition of the story of the Beauties As one volume of a most useful, and in ev I the Tog World's Workers, brought out by Messrs. Cassexi & Co., ot e 7" daughter of Cuantes Dickens has published a collection Saw ents in her father’s life ‘‘ most likely,” she thinks, “to ey and to appeal to young people.” The result, at all events, ie acceptable to the grown-up, old, and middle-aged, who know told veg pretty well by heart. and have read all that can be ‘Mie out him in the Life and Letters. Whether this present _ work—a labour of the affection—will lead children to honk SuARLES DICKENS'S works, or whether this is by any means the must ay to give them a Dickensian taste, is open to question, end bie & matter of individual opinion and experience. For a we should say decidedly not ; that the ordinary course being : erse of what ‘‘ Mamie Dickens” has attempted, that is to say, perusal of the books’ leads to an inquiry into the writer’s private sense, readable series andSpersonal’character,'while to mast eeeie, am ind , are to the external public entirely distinet, though we can under- of 80 doveted on elusions ogepoy Be whic of us, is CuakLes Dickens, wna’ Corel ee hepees to be his eae alt of ar Soar] sure our old friend Peter — to th Christmas The two things or whatever might to be one of the Christ- boys, while the Annual of went to the younger ones. Pleasant New silver coinage, fresh from the t —y with highly coloured the prospect of grand festivities in the os is given up to Harper. The t “Mrs.” or “ Miss” ?), and recommend one who, wanting to learn all about geet Somnense, time, and can only take a turn at for -an-hour, or so. It is amusing to be reminded that he wrote an Oratorio called Theodora, which the great ladies of the day would not go to hear, because the story was not sufficiently interesting to suit them. But the plot was evidently not the same as Sanpou’s Théodora, which Sanan BexwHarpt has e her own particular character, as Hampet calls his plot ‘‘a Christian story,” which the French dramatist’s certainly is not. We know very little of Hawpet from himself. He was not a man of letters—very few could be found; but he left a wealth of notes, with which the world has been thoroughly satisfied. Solomon’ s* Mines, te preseed ‘ Riper Hacearp. Whataweird name! It sounds like a sort of first cousin to Rogue Riderhood, only infinitely more tragic and grim. What awfully overpoweringly thrilling works ought to come from the brain of a man with such a name as I regret that Mr. Dums Cramno Juwion is not on the spot to furnish us with a fancy portrait of ‘‘ rue” River Hacoarp. Post his motto. However, what we have his latest book called Solomon's Mines. This worked up into as powerful a romance as Treasure Island. But the promise of its commencement is not fulfilled. There is a false ——— narrative, which deprives it of that absorbing interest which ought so to master the reader that he cannot put aside the book for a’moment until he has reached the end, and learnt how the heroes have escaped. The introduction of a low comedian into it (Oh, Riper Haceéarp! not up to your own name by any manner of means!)—a naval officer with an eye-glass and gutta-percha collars—is a mi as forced humour must always be. Then the almanack and the among savages, have done similar service on several previous occasions, while a parallel can be found for the use made of the Lieutenant’s false teeth, in somebody’s wig in an Indian tale (the name of which does not recur to us at the moment ; but, by the way, what a good title—Somebody’s Wig!) where the would-be scalper is terrified by all the hair coming off in his hand, while ins i best possible health and spirits. Solomon's Mines, all the same, is worth reading. It is clever; if anything, it is just a bit too clever. But in future please don’t forget that your name is Riper Haeeaxp, and “ write as sich.’’ Yes, Sir, if there is anything in a name, you ought to have been the Author of The Headless Horseman. A VERY SPOTLESS SPOT; Or, The Real Hygeia. “Dr. Trpy, the Medical Officer of Health for Islington, states in his Report that of the 113 specimens of food, submitted in the course of the year for analysis, not one was adulterated or contained anything injurious to health.’’—Daily Paper. O nappy Townlet, joined to Town! | The milky mother of the herd O Islington the Blest | Would be « tome Whose groceries have gamely stood | Her ill-used product quite devoid Me. nie test ; os Of all impurity ! at other district doth ex . - : ; Here e’en the goodies children suck Whereof it may be said Ase taetaiie No sweepings figure in its tea, No bone-dust in its bread ? You need not fear, in this retreat Of virtue which will wash, To lunch on sirloin that is horse, Or butter that is ** bosh.” And some undoctored brand of wine Seems specially created. An Officer of Health! Why, sure, This place can hardly need un, And Merry Islington henceforth Must change its name to Eden. Tue Reat “ Borrer Srare.”—Old Bachelordom. Tou. O% LXEXIE, 8

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DYNAMICS. ‘““Waat, Tre your Sasa Agaiy, Mout! Times. You must Tig IT yoursEtr !” “How can I, Aunty! J’ in Front!” 194 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Octopmr 24, 1885, I'VE TIED IT ALREADY FOUR] dre ==) KING THEEBAW. “The King [Tuezpaw], it is said, refuses to make any con. cession. If the refusal is not withdrawn, he must cease to bea King.”’—Standard. Kine Tuexesaw’s a shocking fellow, Far too long has had his fling, Drinks and gets extremely a He must cease to be a King. He has murdered his relations, On adjacent trees they swing ; That ’s the way with savage nations— He must cease to be a King. He is crueller than Nexo, Like a tiger he will spring ; Not by any means a — He must cease to be a King. Now he’d stop all British trading, Unto bankruptey would bring Folks who deal in bills of lading— He must cease to be a King. All his subjects gladly gather Underneath the British wing ; Off with THEeEBaw then—or, rather, He must cease to be a King! SHORT ANECDOTE BY BEN TROVATO, Tue other day, Mr. J. C. H-nst-y, R.A., entered music-shop. He is an excellent musician, and, a great admirer of the works of HanpEt and ARNE. **T want,” he said to the Shopman, ‘‘I want to s some old songs of abouta century ago. I cannot sing the = songs myself, but wish to make a selection fors riend.”’ The Shopman paused thoughtfully; then shook his head, and replied, , ‘* Very sorry, Sir, we haven’t any old songs in stock; but I can show you some of our new ditties, if you car But before he could finish the sentence, Mr. H-2s.-1 w back horrified, exclaiming, ‘‘ Nudities!” A darting such a look at the man as ought to have shri him up on the spot, he strode out of the shop. THE MARES AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE, Wet, I must «bays I feels werry sorry for the cumming Lord Mare, having to foller on such a dubble-barrelled steepel-chaser as his predesesser. He’ll have to put up one or two hextra Staples to keep him all right and tite. ot a gallacksy of glorious Bankwets have preceded each other without paws, month after month and weak after weak. Lords follers Commons, as is natral, and Judges follers Common Counselmen, which isn’t, and Bishops comes after Bankers, which they shouldn’t, and Gills follers up Her Madjesty’s Ministers, which they shood: and then, as a winder up, we has all the Mares and Maresses of the hole united Kingdom—as it ort to be, but isn’t—a commin hundreds of miles to a grand Ball, and all deck- orated with such massiv reel gold chanes as, I was told, if all linked together, wood have been strong enuff to have wayed the anker of a 70 pound three Master, and long enuff to have reeched from the Lor Courts in the Strand to Mr. ArremsuREow’s the Porn Brokers at the corner of Lane! Habsent Homen! And let me say this for them afore I goes any furder, that a finer or a bigger or a helthyer looking set of gentlemen I have never henter the onerd Manshun House since | fust waited in the Egipshun All of dazzling light. Sam of us well-seesoned ts, as we now calls ourselves, who has had a large experience of the effecs of enthousiastick dinners on enthousiastick gents as has been a travelling all day, was a leetle afeard as the gests mite have looked jest a leetle seedy and sleepy wen they marched in about eleven o'clock. But no, they wun and all looked as brite and as kean and as intellygent as if they had jest cum out of the conventual ban-box, tho they wood suttenly have wired a hextry big ’un. here was wun fine-looking Mare and his good-looking Maress, and | th their brite-looking Dorter, as looked capital spessimens of our northen countys, so I was of course surprised to hear as they come from South sheel The ey dramattick perfession was there to give ’em all a arty weloome. Mr. Oxcusrvs ARgkis worlst away with a charmin artner as if he quite bleeved it to be in accordance with Human atur, Mr. Jonw HoLirnesep was there two with his beautiful dorter, and Mr. Banecrorr was as conspickuous as usual. I was glad overhear him tell a delited Common Counsel Man that he had at given up the Stage, but only the handling of the rib witeh should have thort wood have been better left to his better harf, but praps upon the whole he’s right. The Lord Mare looked partickler fresh and brite at about harf-pat two, hay hem. Ashe had only had his magistrate’s work to do, and go to three or four meetings and attend a great public dinner as the t of the hevening, and then to receive about a thowsand wisiton ter on, of course t Apel re menage Kia him. There wu wun thing as struck all us ne wey ee, and that was the te call for Corffee, another bad sine of the progress of tea-total unacy we all thort, till we rememberd as all the gents had jest om from the dinner-tabel, witch consoled us. fare seine They all spoke werry well of the maynu wines, bu’ lanes I pbs one as was left on the tabel with my egsperienced e7¢, F shood searce look upon it as quite hup toour Manshun House mark. I think as I noticed a hutter habsence of foi grar. The wines tv might ha’ been holder without no fear of ay ol I was li amazed at disheovering that there was no less three reel Mares! My only wunder is that our own hollowed Coporashun hevet allowed it. They always was a libberal set, but I wunders as they ya Pigg Aan i oe Se Lage Seen Uae pe pe told me as there was only one are presen e Wot could have kept ’em away ? pL or mal der mn’ unsisterly disaffection, or was they | by Mr. Boycott’ nose? Of course there’s no aconating Sor taste, neboty eww Ste ee caer ake where and buy sell as an to be even the prowd Mare of Cork or yo the — su . = i. i is what they me x its quite ome rule enuff in this ’ere blessed country, the Land of rave and the fre, but we ain't allers being a follered about to se My houses we gos into for a drink, and then t ae serve us coz of Mr. Boycott. I hopes as we shan’t find Sir 3 = = B oo OQnzeBe wre, /

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Oorone 24, 1885, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 195 ~ t||| AZ fs Xie Z \ 5s. Ss syed Giz Ve SS U Zi co Ss SS tt ™ WY hei “> SC os SS EA : c! / = \ — ke \ f = A\\ 7 = == —. 7 —S/A —= a ~ load = : eta, | Yy Se = es 7 f Z / —S_ cana —<—SS=S Aa ‘ ani meal ~ a" ele i = | ee "ah, h Ral, oe | ~ THE MODEL “ BRITISH MATRON.” Mr. H-rsl-y, R.A. (as the M.B, Matron). ‘‘On pear! On pear! Wao covLp ma’ SAT FoR THAT!”

Lawson a trying of the same little i hii game, tho I rayther thinks as his | all ir Loo Hopshun must be a werry near naybour of Mr. wad & peep now and then into the Ball Room from our little corner, was pleased to see that the stately Mares confined theirselves to a. | wy re and left the rayther Lg affecsionate Counselmen Town Clerks and setterer. en 2 See

line at Wallses for a portly and dignifide and chained Mare, and so they most on ’em did. Of course there’s allways a few exseptions to all s, there was there, but they was mostly confined to little burrows and fishy Ports, so they was easily owerlooked and did not much interfere with the sarmbel as the emnann says, which was sertainly uneek. We broke up about 3, and I was to see from a glance at the Hat Plate whatever they were in Politics ver . | when at home, the Municipple gests wen at the Manshun House was I don’t no as I’m werry partickler, but I suttenly shood draw the | Libberal to a man, Ropgrt.

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es 196 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Octoper 24, 1886, IDAY CRUISE. heey ” sounds nee. oF for Tourists rs a show are. But MELLEVILLE, course, means “‘ ve " Dramatic rs 7 wl cn 9 ante na otel— Mi cs The that we shall have one to ourselves—not with other damp dtm Pess— The Dricer~Queriee— Loch Leven—Storm—Of’—Canna for visiting the Pass of Glencoe. — Bock Loloman—Dibdin Junior—Music— Awful sights —Night at Sea—Lamlash—End of Cruise. Dramatic change of scene. Last night murky, this morning bril- liant. We rise with the lark—or say the sea-gull—and leaving the yacht, Norseman, R.A., in the bay, we are off to the Scotch place with the Irish name—Ballachuish. Bae I,—Fine breeze, lovely weather. Now we sail with the gale, &e. Scene Il.—Weather beastly : gusts from the moun Loch Leven.— ouring. Ho use stopping on board. rt us land,” interview the prorietor of the hotel, and get Muli— MELLEVILLE proposes, ‘ a trap to take us to see the Pass of Glenove By all means. nem. con. Forp-BaMLy ont by the very day for seeing the Pass of Glencoe, as it ough one—he cpoaie of Uolag tho pose anit were a conjuring —in the mist. He tells us that this is uite the rainiest part of Seot- Does he think from his experience that there . -— gine a ag yy he doesn’t: in fact he is sure that the rain will get worse -_ worse. a what of that ? hat, 1 high fiching- coat, and hi ing- eae ~' is y for any- e land. The hotel may look lively in the finest weather, ret now its appearance is that respectable misery. A few -, E- and feeble tour- ists are in sitting-room, pane, sighing wearily, while two erly and a wag old 7 ceaet teed ame wra) up wed a sri a Sol a ane ora denne of ~~ Bes yen a in a dentist’s ante-room on a damp day compared with the aspect of these ey seem to be the remains of a once ty, which had gradually dwindled awa pee | without paying the eaving the feeblest, and probably the we wealthiest, as security for the amount. One or two, here and there, like flies at the end of autumn, are doddering about the sitting-room, to which not even a recently-lighted fire, struggling to look bright and cheerful in the pe Seen circumstances, can impart any idea of warmth or com one are also = young men in oka, sitting os vey mmo d aod and looking out with yearning gaze for ong-ex- —" ; peg cat tet . -— away forever. They are dressed on ectly tch Tourist Sui’ carrying waterproofs, um- brellas, and stout crooked-handled sticks for climbing. I expect to hear them say to one another, that is if have the heart to talk Sir William Waterproof, the Black Knight. altogether. Patients waiti present a cheering s miserable tourists. at all, with rain po down on all ides, and everything and everybody cold, damp, A Sanpre mon, but it’s jest a wee bit mois I am when more Seotch, if oo of the two says to his friend, in a subdued tone, = done, Eugene savez-vous d lle heure part-il, le—comment 8 ’ appelle-t-al ?” "Le Co-atch,” the other, which the first speaker osnate as correct, continues, *‘Oui—le Coatch pour—” * Le bateau?” says his friend mournfully, ‘* Owi—’” and then he gives him the required information. These two yo Frenchmen, what could home? Gay Parisians? What brought them here? The love of travel, or the wish to ascertain for themselves if all they had heard about the Seotch climate ty true? Sad ex ce. Nei Eveéne |i nor ANATOLE will eome here again. They looked wretched enough in my eyes when I thought them Seotchmen on their own native heath, and their name Macgregor ; but now I know to what nationality they belong, they seem to me to be doubly, nay trebly miserable. Never did I see two such unlively Gauls. MELLEVILLE informs us that the traps will return presently— they have been when at | these coach arrives. The two damp young Frenchmen show som signs of alacrity in . tans up on the roof. The other “dim Jemmies”’—I call the lot dismal Jemmies and Jemimas—come ox: slowly, as if suffering from cramp and rheumatism, and grumbling | all the time (no wonder!), are, some of them, hidden away inside, while the weakest of all, physically unable to secure inside place, are hoisted up aloft, where the rain will finish them, I may, Oh, the pleasures of ‘touring ! We can have one open trap with two horses and driver. It iss tte; and, wrapped up in capes, coats, and vithe waterproof rug over Our knees, we pack ourselves inside. ir we go. Whataday! Rain pelting on us, and driving at us! Gusts of wind which threaten to stop the horses with a facer and to knock the driver backwards on to the rug that’s over our knees. Fonp. | BaMLY repeats, more than ey Oy sane tly, that “ This j is the very sort of day for seeing the ut he buries himself in his cape and sou’-wester, von heyhey there is a lull of five minutes | does his head emerge. MeLteviLux is the only one who braves the | storm, in a yachting cap, a high waterproof collar touchi his ears, | and his pince-nez defying the elements. The Composer has disap- | peared, and admires as much as he can of the scenery through te | 0 | Fp buiton-hol of his mackintosh. | or my own protection I have a black waterproof D of the | same material, with a curtain all roun round if astentag ober | the chin. | When thus arrayed, I look like the B Knight (waterproofed) in | Ivanhoe. It is effective, y ; but though it the | ears, it strikes so intensely cold a-top, that I feel as if I were going | about with a wet sponge on the crown of my and as the win will blow up between the fastenings of the cape, I hind myself sitting in a system of thorough draughts; while the stuff being the most ive and of the very lightest texture, so as to allow it to be called 1 a “ pocket waterproof,” or some delusive name of that sort, has invariably gone with a rent—like a Lend-Langeing tenant—when- | ever the slightest opposition has been off by ay accidentally | treading on the skirt as I am eee or by my un situation—as I am on something a very ° say from ipo ee =a gig, and so there ar two ott mings not inc bargain, an aperture | just jast “below the wslddie of way beck which takes in as much water a | under-coat can conveniently carry. However, we are all ~\, - same boat—the only occasion when we are not in the are | same boat, by the way, but all in the same carriage, and we try to come out as Mark Tapleys, and be at our very best and jovialest. driver k ie bend down, as if he were butting at the purines = his at, and olunteer 0 no aeomatien. » = is the e, 80 being all pretty our Murray’s His of the Pass of Glencoe, we Mey rs = to obtain more precise details on the spot. The Composer, who thinks there is a fine subject here for a Dramatic Cantata, after carefully sheltering himeelf with his leit | arm holding a bit of —~y-! * 5 if he were oo _~ pet | was going to turn roun and hit im, looks up o uely, an “ Isn't this where the Mac Ian? &c.” To which the driver, alight turning his head towards Cutts, only replies, quietly, ‘ Aye, Sir MELLEVILLE sees a ruin, which must have some connection with the awful story of Glencoe. “ Is that,” he asks the driver, “Is thst where ow &o., &e.” And again the driver most civilly —_ “ Aye, Sir, yes.” He confirms all our guesses, which proves thoroughly we have mastered the history ae at the place and its awh AL Live on for some time: asking various questions ta poor the same unvarying answer. At last it occurs to me that either the driver wants to get the journey over, and is there- fore uncommunicative, or that he is not quite so well up in the subject | as weare. So, when we arrive at the most te, and most awe- part of the Glen, I ask him, noes seatior of fast 08, pirng P band pla here ony anor li He turns round sharply ee a me + and I repeat quite gravely. fe e answers, regarding me askance, ‘‘ No, there’s no lays here.” ‘* sre Yontinue, asi estniahed at hia rep y; -_ , they amuse themselves here, then P Aren’t there any concerts, or fireworks ?”’ He looks down at me over his shoulder, considers awhile as if try, ing to remember whether he had ever heard of the existence Ro. Thereare an Gheayters; o>” hn, evidently y haa slowly, ‘‘ No. There are no Seay toes ; no.” Then it to make a clean breast of turns quite round and says, T'm & stranger in these parts and mousy, You wt ya compassion ; he is only a servant: the hotel e our is only a proprietor sent him with us, as we wanted s a carriage to ourselves ELLEVILLE inquires, “ tell us whether we "ve seen the whole Pass, and ought to tarn bask?” sis heed “ yer on wt “No,” he sadly shakes

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oO ba > RAaES TES ii ~ | SY 4 ise PRSELES Octoser 24, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 197 he had been rather trusting to us, as we seemed to know all about it. Does he know where we are now? Not a bit; he is humbled and cast down, and so to speak, throws himself on our mercy, and hopes we won’t shoot him. “Has he never heard,” asks the Com : coming right up on end, as it were, like a Jack-in-the-box, suddenly, and displaying the most vigorous indignation, ‘‘ Has he never heard of the Massacre of Glencoe?” No, the driver hasn’t; this is, he abjectly repeats, most abjectly, the first time he’s ever been here ; | but if we like he ’ll ask where it is (meaning the Massacre, which he rrobably thinks is the name of a house of ack. call on the road) as we go o al . * . Storm increased. A heavy sea on in Loch Leven. The gig is pitched and tossed, so that we have to hold on tight when we get alongside the yacht, and the gig is shot up in the air high enough to bump against the other boat suspended on the davits, and then comes down again with a whop into the waves. We have each separately to choose our moment for being chucked up in turn on to the deck, where we are caught in the arms of the Captain and First Mate. Dinner compensates for all; and, full of Glencoe and its horrors, we drink confusion to the memory of Wittiam the Dutchman, and wish he had been the Flying Dutchman, and confusion generally to the memory of everyone who had a hand in that diabolical work. Next Morning.—Another dramatic change. It is still pouring. We purpose fishing. All are dressed as Dirk Hatteraicks, when suddenly out comes sun, up dries deck, a fair wind, a lovely day, off go vlan and we are once more in ordinary costume and under weigh. To Canna, to shoot the seals. Progressing beautifully. Suddenly the Composer comes below, and, with a disturbed expression of coun- tenance, reports that the Captain, in reply to a question about Canna, has said that “he canna go.” This is not a joke it appears, but a fact. There are nautical reasons which I am unable to comprehend ; but whatever they — | be, they do not quite satisfy MELLEVILLE, who is clearly annoyed ; Forp-Bamty looks solemn, the Composer bewails his ill-luck in being a second time done out of shooting seals—by which sport I rather fancy he entertained some vision hopes of making a large fortune, and retiring for life,—and I, taking it philosophically, begin to inspect my maps and see where I will go to instead of Canna for the remainder of a short holiday. The Yacht’s course is altered. We are going South. I elect to set down in Lamlash Bay, off Arran, thence by steamer to the main- land, then, ed Kilmarnock and Carlisle, up to London, and then by Dover and Calais to Mayence, to come down the Rhine and see how it looks immediately after a fortnight among the Scottish Isles. For one night we put ‘up in Lowlander’s Bay, pronounced Lolo- man’s Bay, which I well remember on aformer occasion. The Com- poser has not yet written that song about Loloman’s Bay, which was to have handed his name down to posterity, as Dispin Janior. He has chosen his beautiful subjects, ‘‘ Zoloman’s Bay,” and the ‘** Spinnaker Boom.” He says the sort of thing he wante—‘' Dispiw wrote his own words,” he reminds me—is this :— The Frenchmen (or any other people if this isn’t popular) came down in terrific array, To fight with the British in Loloman’s Bay—Loloman's Bay ; To fight with our sea-dogs in Loloman’s Bay. We none of us care about the introduction of ‘‘sea-dogs” and “ British,” but the Composer says it is only the idea of the sort of thing required, and that the finish should be :— “ The moon was full up when we got under weigh, And left all the Frenchmen in Loloman’s Bay.”’ He thinks it would do for Smus Reeves or Santiey. More chance as a Baritone for SanTLEY, as Sims Reeves seems to stick to ‘‘ The Bay of Biscay” and *‘ Tom Bowline.” The ‘* Spinnaker Boom” he would treat heroically, thus :— He—anybody—a pirate or buccaneer, the Composer explains—“‘ it doesn’t matter who ‘He’ is.” We agree that it doesn’t, and the Composer recommences :— ‘** He bounded on deck little knowipg his doom, So I knocked him fiat down with the Spinnaker Boom.” “Tt couldn’t be done,” objects Forp-Bamty, in a matter-of-fact way. “I don’t . it could,” retorts the Composer. ‘‘ I’m onl you the idea of the sort’of verses I want to compose for.” goes on :— ‘* They buried him sadly, and wrote on his tomb, ‘ Just killed by a blow from the Spinnaker Boom.’ ” CuLLINs then gives us several specimens of the kind of music he will write for the song when finished. We join in a chorus, and, having had a musical evening, all retire, hamming. Sailing all Night.—Beating about the Mull of Cantyre. At mid- deck to see giving hen he night I go on a tom ship in full sail passing us. Strange and weird sight. It looks like three fiendish giants sailing along on the back of a monster duck, which had been badly wounded in the middle of the body, where it exhibited a bright red mark that seemed to tinge"the era as it went by slowly end silently. Phantom Shapes at Sea. After this—and rather expecting the Sea Serpent to follow—I retire. But not to rest; oh dear, no. The Mall of Cantyre says sleep no more. Never was sucha Mull! No sooner am | dropping off Lan rs ~~ 4 = wed “**Bout!”—and ore we f° ~ flopping, rolling, then pitching, heaving, banging, whopping. am nearly out of m berth : I clutch at the side. Just beginning to think that I can at last get some sleep, when ’bout we go again, and I am rolled over on to the other side. After four turns, I get up, fall out some- how, and attempt to re-make the bed. It is astruggle: but I think I have made aslight improvement. I bide my time, and then in again, holding on. No distinct notion till to-night of what ‘' taking forty winks” meant. I never got more sleep than this graphically describes, for I never succeeded in being my eyes closed—the seconds of rest were li y ‘“‘ winks.” ‘‘ Wink,” I am aware, is the abbreviated form of “periwinkle,” and just time to take forty winks might have come to mean, nautically, the time occupied in extracting that number of winks out of their shells with a pin—a tedious operation, which I should say would rather represent a period of forty minutes. I only wish thatin this sense I could get forty winks. But it is im- ible. We are on ‘‘ short tacks” all night, and each short tack is like a nail driven into my coffin. I make up my bed five times to-night, and on each occasion it is rather worse than it was before. I remember the proverb, ‘‘ As ne make your bed, so you must lie on it,” and appreciate it thoroughly ** Lie on it” I may, and must—but to sleep on it is an impossibility. Mall of Can tire, indeed! It evidently can tire me! At last, about seven a.m., I fall asleep, and dream that | am in an old-fashioned four-post stead ; then, somehow, foins through no walls or doors, but merely ‘‘ somehow,” I am wafted through the air, still in night-attire, among branches of trees, at which I clutch occa- sionally, until I find myself Ratiesing apove the heads of some people on to an old-fashioned landing outside the room where I am supposed to be asleep in the old-fashioned four-poster. Then someone coming up-stairs, a chambermaid, I think, who holds her hands before her face, as if inexpressibly shocked, which quite astonishes me up in the air, exclaims, ‘‘ How can you, Sir! You ought to be ashamed of ourself!” and | am about to explain that it is no fault of mine that lon flying about in this costume, and that I wouldn’t of my own accord offend anyone’s feelings for worlds, when somebody else says, ** Half- seven, hot-water, Sir,” , opening my eyes, 1 see the Steward. He informs me that we are very much where we have been for the last five hours, but that breakfast will be as usual. It isn’t as usual, as we form acute angles to the table, and are in generally uncomfortable and absurd positions. However, wind and tide serve our turn at last, and, about ten hours or so later than we had expected, we come to an anchor in Lamlash Bay, and go on shore to inspect that lively watering-place. Scotch weather set in: more rain, more Mac- intoshes, and more Macmisery. The pier of Lamlash in the rain with luggage, damp passengers, cattle, cattle-drivers, boatmen, and baggage, isa delightfal plase— specially for Ladies. But, Farewell, Bonnie Scotland! Away to foreign shores! Parnell and his Plank. “My P. me has only one Plank,” says Paxwett, ** And that’s Independence.” Delightfully frank ! But in old Naval days,—some remember them well,— The Mutineer’s doom was called ** Walking the Plank’’!

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[Octroper 24, 1885,

" / ; pad) Mi H}

93 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \Eh \\ aih\\ rg aND / | \—=2 < Ks a ~ te Ica

WW, 4 U / N "y NTMI i] NY, ; UMN / aah Ot UA o ; AYA TRY ; i fir / AW YY / THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Deaf Old Gentleman, ‘‘Tax ConVERSATION SEEMS VERY AMUSING, MY Dzak. WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT!” Hostess (fortissimo). ‘‘ WHEN THEY SAY ANYTHING WORTH REPEATING, GRANDPAPA, I’LL TELL You!”

THE IRISH “ VAMPIRE.” “The Vampire Bat (V’. Spectrum), hovering over its victim with quiver- ing wings, descends and fans him gently as it breaks his skin and draws his life-bl »od.”’ Poor Erin! Ghoul-beset and -haunted Has been thy path, pale victim, from the first. Undying charms by many singers chaunted Are thine, but shadowed by some spell accurst. By foe beset, by friend betrayed for ever ; Deceived when trusting, and when hostile foiled ; In thy hot haste discriminating never, And through thy love despoiled ! Succubus stealth and vampire united, Now in new shape thy troubled drowse molest ; Sad semi-sleep by visions dire affrighted ; Pallid prostration not akin to rest. The fatal fanning of perfidious pinions Lull thee to opiate slumber, whilst beneath Sinister stupor’s deadliest of dominions Creeps on the eruel death. Wake, palsied sleeper, for that fiendish flutter Of harpy wings not repose, But subtle life-sap and exhaustion utter ! Those winnowing bat-wings are thy ruthless foes, Lulling but lethal. Wake, and banish quickly The hideous death that o’er thee ing hangs, Before there comes, through night-fears mustering thickly, The piercing of the fangs. ’T will suck thy strength’s last remnants; drain the sources Of beauty left thee after many tears ; Arrest the rallying of thy long-strained orces fi The crescent brightness coming years Those ghoulish wings eclipse; beneath them jenguich Late guituaing hopes they faint, they _ ey die. Rouse, Erin, rouse from this dream's dull anguish, And bid the Vampire fly !

A TIP TO STATISTICIANS, Iw the interest of the Public Health, Mr. Punch considers that we want a new sort of statistics. We are instructed as to the Death Rate, and the comparative prevalence of different diseases. But as regards the real origin of disease, and the actual cause of death, we are generally very much in the dark. The number of deaths from rheumatic affections there are means of di i But who can tell us what proportion of these are due—for example—to damp and draughty Hansoms? If this information could be made public, we might, perhaps, not have to wait until the Greek Kalends—as we seem likely to have to do in present circumstances—for that simple but long-delayed boon, a clean, comfortable, and non-homicidal Cab! This is only one instance. The wide and the practical advantage of such statistics must be immediately obvious. They would be an invaluable weapon in the hand of the practical re- poy hy FO ee RE ey EE week from ca’ ions,” or un or draug theatres, or ‘‘ doctored” drinks, or jerry-built houses, or milk, or any one of a hundred other remediable mischiefs! How it would set the public talking, the reformers investigating, the inventors scheming! Here’s a chance for the men of tables cod evens, and particularly for the “passionate statistician,’ . GoscHEN

*© Good Words!” ‘‘ Enexisu, I own, is the best of all ton “J Yat kp tative Jeux Dect, and hlocplion phere et ouw BULL, up- And all Ireland’s woes lays our phates Is it just in Justin, or e’en fairly using us, Our " best of all tongues” to use but in abusing us?

Conscience Mowry.—The Cuancettor of the Excuequer desires postage-stamp See

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Octoser 24, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 201 ~~ ~ MP Pri { Mm ti ; if It i | i "y Hy 4 "7 met © Hay / uy f ij " | AUD: i! | /, / ‘ YY; YU 4, YW aw -7 4 , Y) = i Gs = y - ~Fh ed! . 4 Ai: UZ RB's ww” af : (/ Stim Tn yey Ye. ’ Sa es 7 py 7% ups Moo ; i Re Be): oe W774 “YW pp) YY ” pe * | ‘ ‘ Yb 4 AeC by) \ init tiie BMY Gi Lon, CO guy Li ae VL 7 Ye a oe ede, Lh A “45 Cottager. ‘‘On, Dooror, I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE COME. Doctor. ‘*A Bap Nieut, en! 6 We we et . ee +, “f~ Zr rel, «ae * Ta. Oy oe VE _ 2 * x he MW roe, a Ste srk -se ts ly ‘ a - ‘ c ST egeriay, “—* “uy \ ‘ iets * e % tyra COMFORTING! Mes. HARKER HAS HAD sUCH A VeRY Bap Nicur!” HA, WELL, KEEP HER QUIET,—AND MIND SHE GETS SOME NICE SLEEP THIS AFTERNOON !” [ Rides off to the Meet with a clear conscience. NEITHER FOR CHOICE. In view of the approaching Election of School Board Candidates, the following correspondence, continued from a daily paper, will be read with interest :— Siz,—In reply to ‘‘ Aw Inqurnine CoLossus,” who would be “‘ glad to know that every child in need of education could be furnished, if necessary, with a couple of seats and an arm-chair, at every Board School in the three doms,” 1 have only to ask him whether he thinks the intelligent British Ratepayer will stand any oie for ad- dition to the already superabundant accommodation provided to meet all the educational necessities of the country. Why, Sir, what do statistics show? Take the Board School for this District. Here we have a magnificent Hall, luxuriously appointed, and supplied with, I am informed, a staff of eminent native and foreign professors, three- fourths of which is occupied daily by empty benches. And yet there is a clamour for still er accommodation. Now, if I had my way I would shut up and sell all this useless educational lumber, and tack the proceeds on to the credit side of the local rates. What is the meaning of it all? Task. Where are we drifting to? Mr. Cuam- BERLAIN wants all education free. Well, I would haveit free; free for the parents to leave it or let it alone, and until some move is made in this direction, and soon there must be, it is clear there will no peace for Yours indi tly. A Britisn RaTEePayer. a have read with some interest the correspondence that has already appeared on the subject of the London 1 Board Ex- penditure, and, as one who has taken an active part in the discussion of the various measures that have come up before that body from time to time for deliberation, I may perhaps be permitted to speak with some authority on the subject. It is not true, as your Corre- spondent “‘ Owg-aND-TENPENCE IN THE PouND,” asserts, that this sum is the limit which will be chargeable to the Ratepayer. On the contrary, the Board has a wide and sweeping scheme in hand that will materially raise the amount levied above that moderate figure. Nor is it true that we are satisfied with the existing accommodation, which is equal only to about 25 per cent. in excess of that absolutely required, We i au the erection of buildings sufficient to provide for the wants not only of the present, but of the coming generation, and we shall fearlessly appeal to the Ratepayers to find the sinews for this wholesome and important work. With regard to the a of a Persian Professor of double-back somersault- g, ata of £1200 a year, I certainly voted for that item, as I consider the physical and moral training of the youn intimately ; and, though it was not ultimately carried, returned, as, with programme, I confidently expect to be, at the forthcoming election, 1 am in hopes of being able to introduce it on some future, and more auspicious occasion, honour to be, Sir, your Obedient Servant, Ay Ovtcoine Memper oy THE Boarp. I have the Srr,—Is there no possible medium between blind cine on the one hand, and reckless expenditure on the other, have we no alternative but to choose between those who would let education go to the dogs rather than pay an extra halfpenny in =o pou, and those who would bring about the same result by making the financial yoke intolerable? Bigger issues, in a wider » i eereen just now to be at stake, but when in a day or two the tepayers are called on, as they will be, to select their Educational Representatives, let them keep their eye on the ‘‘ Moderates,” which is the advice of Yours faithfully, Tue Man wire THe Vore, A Wail in Wales. (By an Old True Blue Tory.) MowmovurH and Macedon! Oh, by St. Jingo, My Sarissvry, what a fearful falling short ! In of Beaxy’s hot Imperial Stingo, draught—with borrowed brand—of thin New Port!

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| | 202 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocroser 24, 1885, INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 22, ih, ! pare IZ Ys zee | a a} Ka |G A AT CHARING CROSS STATION. Marvellous realm! Rartwaypom ! centres ! Behold one of its knottiest | Abandon all hope—of calm ease—whosoever its labyrinth enters. Minos stands there, to the right,—Raapamanruus he rather resembles, — The pups supreme Great Panjandrum at whom even Parliament trembles With fear—or with laughter—the great Sir E. Warxix! Just look at his attitude. He’s monarch of all he surveys, and expects our unquestioning gratitude. | A little bit anxious, perchance, as he stands with his hands in his pockets, For —- in these very bad times are not quite all ascending like ts. rockets. Behind aan, the chaos of crowding and crushing poor creatures intent on, The smart Traffic Manager stands, which his name, as all know, is Mr es Fenton ; His Dep. at his side, M. D. Trrwurrr. In front, ‘‘ off again” to the Congo, The gun-armed Great Gun of Explorers, whose motto is, “‘ On, STANLEY, on go!” Before him a bowing to Punch is the Gallic Paul Pry—no offence meant !|— The Butt-sketching smart Max O’Rext, he has only just made a _ commencement, In right understanding of Jonn, who is not to be plumbed with e ger, Or summed in an epigram ; sketches are’chic, but an artist must linger. Behind, with the smile that is bland, appears Tsene, almond-eyed and astounded, , ‘ No doubt, at the wild charivari and' chaos by which he’s sur- rounded. teen ty Next, one whom aoa now can astound in this world from Bhag- rto ad to—say, Merton : : When Se full of marvels has been as Arabian Nights, the great URTON. Close by—can the artist mean satire by such’ a quaint juxtapoti- Ex-Liberal, lat KwatcHsuLt-Hvucrssen, soul of uncertain ™ And strangely fortuitous title, Lord Brasovane, who writes fairy an. by the Whigs, nor indeed, up to now, by the Tories, ‘ 2 s To fill his true réle, ruling England! Count Mitssrer is seen in the rear of him ; ‘ Then Brassey, as bright as the Sunbeam, the peaked yachting cap and the cheer of him , Speak of the Amateur Mariner, sweet on the asing: and wavy, Let’s hope he’ll find time, at odd moments, to keep a sharp eye our —y 4 ‘ ; 4 Next comes that mysterious nondescript Exnineroy, trim @ touristical, » ond Nothing crash. hie ‘suggestive of “ways that are dark sop , r Should wear a cloak and a cowl, but appears to be fairly contented We ape and, 9 -Seigenth 5 sight that must drive Irish Members ——

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{‘Ocropger 24, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 203 > . 7 yf, Sey UY, =, i > KNOW ‘GLEN Accaon’?” Driver, ‘‘ AYE, WEEL.” ‘ DESIRABLE!” Saxon Passenger (on Highland Coach), ‘‘O¥ coURsE YOU ’BE WELL ACQUAINTED WITH THE COUNTRY ROUND ABOUT HERE. Do you Saxon Passenger (who had just bought the Estate), ‘‘ Wuat sont ov A PLACE 18 171” Driver. ‘‘ WREL, IF YE SAW TBE D&IL TETHERED ON'T, YE'D JUST say ‘Porn Brutrs’!” Everyone’s favourite next, ‘‘ dear old Fartrn,” with his sketch-book. He should know, And does, Railway Stations as well as—say Bettws-y-Coed or THE RETURN_OF THE TOURIST. A Lilliputian Lyric. Llandudno. Last, . order, but least by no means in the Public's affection and Back to Town, Seen Berlin,— For just there, unch's, And, egad ! Rather slow,— Well-a-day ! The owner of medals in heaps, and the wearer of laurels in bunches, Iam t, oad | Unter Lin- News will a A Our gallant-souled General Roserts. The rest is a ‘‘ regular moodle.” AndI’m glad. — -den, you know Folks away. ‘No Porters!” the usual cry. The poor Frenchman, wife,daughter,| Here’sthe play, | Seen folks dine Thus | ’ve spent and ec, . And my “rub,” | Germans swill, All my tin, Are frantic. A Pelion on Ossa of luggage, and no one to take it! Every day, Blanked the wine, And the rent The tidal train just on the start! If Sir E. Aas a heart, this should At the Club. Paid my bill. Will come in. break it. I don’t miss Left the Spree, Welcome still For thus, luggage-cumbered and late, must the traveller oft be a The hotels, Went to France, Quarter-Day, __,__ barrier, And the Swiss, Tried Paree— With a will Unless, like yon Bobby-chased youth, he dares make a bold dash o'er And the smells. Just a glance. I can say. the barrier. E’en the views, Venice, too, For I’m back, Look to it, Olympian Watxry, and earn the sincere commendation Very nice, Overpraised, And I joke Of all who, Big Pots or Mere Nobodies, flock to the Charing Cross} 1’d refuse, | Nothing new, At the black Station ! At the price. Rusk on’s crazed, London smoke. Now I + ~{ | CX —, - ane all, Prenistoric Man.—At the request of the Lieutenant-Governor, a Hang my hat -nople shirk, ‘ en you roam, report has been drawn up b Ne ae Borp Dawxrns, F.R.8.,onthe| Where you can't Tourists fly All omg pall, Antiquities of the Isle of Man. They include Runic crosses, early Swing a cat. From the Turk. Saving home, tombs, habitations, camps, and places of assembly. ‘Tools and Though I ne’er, Then Jeru- A Gear, ' Weapons of flint, with other relics of the Stone Ages, and various Entre nous, | -8 see,— | Bet ro — wine, implements, likewise, of the Bronze Age, should also be numbered| Did that there, What fp wl be! Tha, th Rhine among the monuments of Prehistoric Man discovered by Professor Nor did you. Jews Wh ys And 7 os ’ Dawkins. Of course the learned Professor has pursued his researches| 1 have been | Rome? Pod wip” - — "end omenast the Manx remains in the spirit of a philosopher, impressed a be hynny | Pt. me fe t ees an € conviction that ‘‘ the proper study of Mankind is Man. All thines fair. Of New York. With the Strand. Co Scen the Alps ba in 8 re As} pace 4 VON. FOR THE Lawp Rerormenrs.—Can a young fellow, embracing Rising hi ou are bit _ Up and down, his swee be ex d that he is studying “‘the| With bare scalps, | Take the train You ’re the place, poste pod» ori om , _— To the sky. From Madrid. | London Town !

Page 14

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Octoper 24, 1885, THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. V.—From tHe Dertn or Desparr. EAR Tosy, ANXIETIES, annoyances, and troubles of various kinds have prevented my writing to you earlier. I suppose there are people who, knowing that I am Pr-me M-n-st-r, and (instead of the ordinary hat of civilisation) go about all day in a coronet, think I am happy! A coronet’s all very well in its way, airy, especially at the top, and to some _ of dark and striking visage coming. But you have to sleep in it at night as well as wear it by day, and that is quite another pair of sleeves, as we say at Chateau Cecil. These things are a parable, dear Tony, which your keen intelligence will unravel and apply. The fact is, I am not the happiest of men, and sometimes look back with tender longing to the time when I was still a cadet, and used to earn a little pocket-money as a gentleman of the Press. I am popularly regarded as a man of imperious manner, born to lead, and incapable of following. Yet, it has happened that of late years I have been in subjection to a will stronger than my own. There was Breaky for example. You remember how, in my young days, I “‘ went for” D-zzy, pouring out upon him all the bitter scorn I felt, partly patrician and partly moral. Then he came to the front, passed us all, took up an unassailable position, and I bowed my neck to his yoke. That was hard to bear. But there were substantial compensations. Besides, B-c-NsF-LD was my elder, a veteran Statesman who had slowly and laboriously won his way into a position of command. But look you, Tosy, at that youn {-wp-LPH, who has me in townow. He is young enough to be my son, an was in —_ and trousers when I was already a power in the State. D-zzy led me with a certain courteous gravity. But this young man hustles me along, first this way, then that, with an energy that leaves everything to be desired in the matters of comfort and courtesy. One never knows where to have him. press renirnne i “il mis af | If he doesn’t have his own way, he immediately sulks and throws out hints of | appearing upon the platform and denouncing us, of which he is quite capable. 1 live in a constant state of terror, arising from twofold conditions. In the first place I dread some new escapade or demand from R-np-LpxH ; beyond that is : he constant fear of something happening in Ireland, or a general revolt of the arty. The other day I had a consultation with Cr-ss and Sm-ru, and submitted to them a proposal which will show you how I have fallen. ‘‘ Let us, my friends,” I said, “‘ withdraw from this business, leave the country, and in some foreign land begin afresh. You, Sm-ru, are a man of business, and could turn your hand to many things. R-Nnp-LPH himself has suggested a particular commercial avocation for you in copartnership with Cr-ss. You might run a store in the Far West, or you’d make a capital clerk in a big hotel, or you might open a bookstall on the Rocky Mountains. There is the making of a capital school- master in you, my R-cu-xp; or, if wen could sing, you might lead a church choir, or you might do for a beadle, though a little slim in figure. As for me, I have no fear. Without preparation I am qualified to earn fair wages in a laboratory. I personally conducted the fixing of the Electric light at Hatfield. I can take photographs, and can do a little conjuring. These openings are modest, but they bi with them peace of mind, and we will never more see R-np-tpH. Let us fly!” They hesitated fora moment and seemed inclined to consent. It was a great price, but there was a «reat prize. After talking it over, however, the proposai was rejected. Cr-ss said : ‘‘ R-wp-Lpx will be sure to find us out, ~ us, seus at = su I got a anaiicn as , fire squids in M-TH'S bookstall, an the deuce with your laboratory.” ‘*There’s nothn Y that fellow isn’t capable of,” said Sm-rH, with a little shiver, here we still are, fighting on under difficulties of which the public have only the slightest notion. To me a crushing defeat at the polls would be the sign of deliverance from a situation becoming daily more insup- portable. I can only beg your sympathy. When you see me upon the public platform thundering forth anathema at the enemy, you will know that my defiant attitude hides a breaking heart, and will drop a tear for Your friend, and Markiss Yo ‘ To Tony, M.P., The Kennel, Barks. 8-L-sB-ry, HOW THEY SETTLED IT. “At the moment of the departure of the Varna mail it is rumoured that the SuuTan has issued an Iradé approving the resolution of the Council of Ministers a the proposals on the Egyptian Question presented by Sir H, D. Wotrr, and that His Majesty will promptly appoint a Commission in the sense reported in my previous telegrams.’’— Times’ Correspon- dent at Constantinople. Ir paging hows officially intimated 'that the Mission of Sir H. D. Wotrr to Constantinople has at length come to a favourable termination, there can be no reason why the following, the concluding telegraphic a sed between the British Commissioner Lord ALISBURY, should not be made public :— Sir H. D. W-lff, Constantinople, to Lord 8S-l-sb-ry, vreign Office, London. This Buigarian business has knocked the “‘ Commis- sion” into a cocked-hat. I can get no attention from anyone. It was bad enough before, but now it is simpl outrageous. They don’t even tell me to call again. All I can get from them is that ‘‘ they don’t know me.” This is very irritating, and renders negotiation quite im- ible. I am prepared to try an g, but what am todo? Please wire instructions. Lord S-l-sb-ry, Foreign Office, London, to Sir H. D. -lff, Constantinople. Your telegram to hand. Very confusing. Not being on the spot, cannot tell you what you are to do. Act within your own discretion. Meantime, hint that you have something to say about the Bulgarian business. Perhaps they will let you in on the strength of that. Anyhow try, but do not compromise Her Majesty’s Government. Sir H. D. W-lf, prep to Lord S-l-sb-ry, ‘foreign Office, A thousand thanks for — excellent suggestion. I have tried it with much effect. Tone altered at once. I am tosee Hatrm Pasha after luncheon. Certainly will not compromise Her Majesty’s Government. Suppose you will have no objection to my oe active support, as against Russia, Austria, and Germany, and advising opening of Eastern Question by an appeal to force with- out delay. Think of threatening Greece as well. See a fine crop of complications a-head if I follow up this line, but am confident of the result. Sure to be satisfac- tory. Better wire by return if you have anything to add to this. Lord S-l-sb-ry, Foreign Office, London, to Sir H. D. W-lff, Constantinople. Stop! Most unsatisfactory. You must do nothing of the kind.’ Hint what you like, but don’t commit Her Majesty’s Government to agg It must reserve to itself complete liberty of action. Pray understand this. Let me hear from you at once. Sir H. D. W-lff, Constant: , to Lord S-l-sb-ry, oreign Office, lon. Very sorry, but your reply turned up too late. Have settled everything on the li indicated in my last. Full particulars will reach you by despatch in ordinary course. Her nym fy Government only slightly compro- mised. Never mind. Worth the estilo. Three cheers for the Commission! I’m off to Cairo. — $# TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover.

Page 15

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocrosm 24, 1885.

UT: a PEN ona NEW usT Ot LE. The requirements of s FOUN- IN PEN without — ———- ING DUTCHMAN PEN” <== Wil write 00 to 400 words with one dip. A MEDAL AT INVENTIONS EXHIBITION. o Be x, by Post Is. 14. ;

WARDEL r Box, of all Stationers. yentees | yuo & CAMERON, 5 BLAIR S!., EDINBURGH (Estd. 1770). ors 9 Her Majesty's Government Offices. sy HRM. Parucess of Waves. SOVEREIGN RESS FABRICS AT WAREHOUSE a age a jes are res ean! invited to w atife e ( Patterns of sovEnuion pas PAL +t S fo r this season's wear, including Newest Me cuerialsin the Pashionable Shades pric eeoee sult every purse. MKETS & FLANNELS AT WAREHOUSE PRICES! stterns of all kinds and qualitiesof Plain and y Fiannels for warded free toany rice son application. All

: res , hing p Pi ease mention ‘ Powcm,” and 8 your lette er or post-card as follows : ‘0H CHAMBERLAIN, pees ND FLANNEL WAREHOUSE, RET TPO RD ROAD, MANCHESTER.

/ — — cor’s cc DOUBLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, as supplied to H.M. War Department. \ COLT’S SINGLE-ACTION ARMY awe REVOLVER, as adopted by the United States Government. rs’ imag pt PISTOL takes the Colt and azine Rifle Cartridge, -44 cal. vs nOvsE. HEVOLVER, POCKET REVOLVER, —s the Vest ket; best qualit

Oe sare ‘took a ll over the wor irs ova. ‘BARRELLED SHOT GUNS and @ MAGAZINE RIFLES, for Indiaaad the Price List free. ot +7 REARMS Co., 4, Pall Mall, London,8.W. D MEDALS—DUBLIN, 1882; BOSTON, LONDON INT. EXHIBITION), 1884. , aR JAMES MURRAY'S ‘NDIORSTION, HEARTBURN, GRAVEL, AND

GOUT. LUID MAGNESIA. an ne oe Original Preparation. ost | Sas usual size. , Te — Street, Dublin. ™s Pon ringdon Street, London. Godd seg S Plate Pow Pies MERCU UKIAL. The BEST and p..t for CLEANING SILVER, BLECTRO- %, de FOUR GOLD MEDALS a guarded. ty where,in Boxes, le., 2s. 6d., MMEFORD § MAGNESIA. ACIDITY op rue STOMACH, HEARTBURN, READACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION, Au Cun EMISTS. \\

THE NORMAL IURETIC PERIENT A Ws Ay

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SITTING ROOMS AND BED ROOMS TASTEFULLY AND INGENIOUSLY FITTED, So as to secure the maximum of convenience and comfort which any given space is capable of affording. COLLINSON & LOCK and JACKSON & GRAHAM, 76 to 80, OXFORD STREET, W.

STERLING SILVER. ELECTRO SILVER. KNIVES. TABLE mei: SPOONS AND FORKS. WHOLESALE PRICES. CATALOGUES FREE. MAPPIN & WEBB, MANUFACTURERS, POULTRY, CITY (Mansion-House Buildings) ; and OXFORD ST., W.; LONDON, BEST & SAFEST DENTIFRICE SOLD BY ALL CHEMIST ocpemaialiasi AND PERFUMERS, IN ELECANT CRYSTAL TOILET CASKET price 2/6. 4

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STOVES. TERRA-COTTA! PORTABLE. FOR COAL! Roszntss fe shat Pure and ample heat 24 hours Bodrocie,reen Id. without attention. For a&e., Pamphiet and In use da ally, at Setentee'es ROBERTS, 112, Vicronis 5.W. ecm fe Sea Aan &.,

Fry Co = Perfumers wn

BAKING POWDER DINGS

LIQUEUR of the GRANDE CHARTREUSE Bey “RY great preventive of cuetmels eae also the remedy for Indiges- yy w be of at! Wine Merchan(s The inte @ advance in in % Customs duty not having been maintained, Liqueur is again procurabie + prices which eh being it Tifnte tha'venedl or of nearly all classes. Sole Consignee Ww. DOYLE, 2, New Lowpow Srazer, Mins Lawn, ELC. What shall I Drink? The Lawerr has subjected the Montes Lime Juice to full analysis for quality and parity , and recommends the public to drink it in fm Dow any form of alcohol. ONTSERRAT LIME-FRUIT i %UICE CORDIALS AROMATIC CLOVE, STRAWBERRY, RASP- BERRY, PINEAPPLE, SARSAPARILLA, JAR- GONELLE, QUININE, PEPPERMINT. Retail from Grocers, Druggists, and Wine Merchants every where. ye ONLY \ PALATABLE NATURAL APERIENT WATER. A POSITIVE CURE FOR STOMACH, LIVER, AND KIDNEY AFFECTIONS. ‘The best household remedy and specific tur CONSTIPATION. Descriptive Pamphiet, with Testimonials, post ‘ree. fold by Chemists, ls. 6d. and 2s. per bottle. Mecvurar Brrren Wares Coxsamy, Limited, _%, Snow Hill, London, BC, EPPS’S CRATEFUL—COMFORTINC. COCOA

“FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. Jo warsented tocisnnce Ge Meatiam as tnpanttion, = whatever conse esting. St Sores of ail kinds, Skin and Li ' ite ‘Thousands of Testimonials ach, uantity, lls. each, Of all Chemists. Sent for 33 or i) stamps. oy Sas 3 Lincecs amp Miptaxe Counriss’ I Dave Courant, Lineoin. | GOLDER. BRONZE HAIR — The lovely nuance “

sola ony. iar eany coca» 473, as wiiMh ting grey or faded MRIN bos t-te ee & Mair AGRIND i tn . a SAUCE

— | For Gout: Lithia Water,

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FRERES’ FIRST QUALITY CHAMPAGNE. VINTAGE 1880. CARLTON HIGHLAND MALT WHISKEY. ELEVEN YEARS OLD. GOLD MEDAL, CALCUTIA EXHIBITION, lem 20a. the Gall ; GOs. the Doz. Canatson Pat. Casa Owvr. RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N.W. ROTTL ING groans _ Broomesvat Maxson, Agents for Indis—OUTLER, "PALMER, ‘i 00.

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WATERS EesTasLisngp 1826, Soda, Potass, Seltzer, Lemonade, Aromatic Ginger Ale. REGISTERED. and Lithia and Potaass W ater. ASK FOR ELLIS’S. Sotp Evesrwaras. SOLE ADDRESS—R. ELLIS & SON, RUTHIN, NORTH WALES. London Agents: W. BEST & BONS, Beoriette Sweet, Cavendish Square,

—- 4 | HIGHEST.“ AWARD ~ rv AWA yo 4)

HEALTH|

EXHIB" 1884,

Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Ooctosse 24, (1885.

it 18 A WELL-ESTABLISHED FACT THAT ALL WHO SUFFER FROM } _ Reeomatiow, Lowsaco, Sciatica, Inptenstion, Constiration, Nexvovus Desitiry, Eriversr, Paratysis, Stvecisa Lives, Loss oy Neaves Pownn, Danica at Eweeey, and all those distressing ail t

EVERY MAN AND WOMAN suffering from any of the above ailments should send at once for an ELECTROPATHIO BATTERY BELT, and obtain relief. It will cost yon 218 , and will afford you more satisfaction, more comfort, and more speedy relief than five times that amount expended in drugs. Stop physicking awhile, try this rationg treatment, and you will assuredly be numbered amongst the ever-increasing multitude who daily express their gratitade for the priceless its derived from the “ Elscus athic ” treatment. Don’t hesitate a moment, but sit down at once lest you forget it, and write for the Bel:, which will be rent you, free by post, on receipt of 91g, LADIES and GENTLEMEN, if you desire any confirmation of the claims we advance on behalf of our “ Electropathic”’ treatment, you should write to either of the Ladies ¢ emaen whose names appear lars of your symptoms, and Read what the Gentlemen say :— NERVOUS DEPRESSION, HEART DISEASE, AND PALSY. L. © Bouracter, Esq., B.A., Ph.D..Gorft gem HH Sussex, writes :— “* Aug. 77, 1965 ted to tender you my sincere and the benefit | have derived trom your advice. I wes only waiting alittle 'onger for my cure to be M sar Waa thought to be quite hopeless i to be «pared much longer to my family Since I have med your Eliectropathic appliances | « fee as wellasever. Knowing a8 a certainty the firne | could say the miraculous efficac shall continue to do so as long as 1

— low, and they will afford you ample encouragement. we will doubtless be able to send you the name and address of some one of our patients who suffered from a similar cause, and who foun ef from our treatment. We have thousands of testimonials, similar to those appearing in this advertisement, which the exigencies of space alone prevent us quoting,

quent on Impaizep Vitatrry or Derective Osaawic Action, may obtain speedy relief and u (HARNESS PATE!

——

cure by wearing te ltimate AZ by S ete ; (@ATTERy L P. . CYGON - %

If their cases, as described by themeven months ago I purchased one of ‘ ‘TROPATHIC BELTS. 1 need not describe

+: poeetinmemet aan ae ae eee eee Lyoe Me nneiatd. send at once’ for an ELECEROPATHIC BATTERY an untold comfort to me. t one, ant . . . * the cause of which you are acquainted, send at once for an ; a ELECTROPATHY: OR H “RNESS GUIDE BELT, ont obtain relief but ity “a have any reason to fear that your caacisseriousorcom- cannot say enough in favour of yone Belts,all I regret HEALTH. pleated, you are recommended to ca!).orsf youreside at adistance, to write fora“ Paivate they are not better known. I shall be giad to write tony IT WILL COST YOU NOTHING, Aovice Foun” and a copy of Testsemonials, which may be obtained, post-free, on lady who may wish to hear more particulars appliestion to

set

“DIRECT FROM

of their SEASONS 1885-6. The selection includes the “& Friesse Costume Cloth; the “ rincess,”’ and “ Lorne” Fancy onl Fancy Canvas '

~BRAD "= MANUFACTURING COMPANY, = BRADFORD, VELTIES in DRESS FABRICS the AUTUMN and WINTER and “Windsor” All-Wool iagonal Stripes; the “Rhampoor” \!\\.Wool Fabrics from 39d. to 4s, 4 JUALITY, ANY LENGTH CUT AT MILL PRICES. THE LARGEST STOCK IN THE KINGDOM. eading Dress Journals speak highly of the advantages of dealing (irect with the BM. Co, Cargatsen Pap TO aNY PART OF THE Kine@pom on all orders over £! in value, HIGHEST AWARD AT THE HEALTH EXHIBITION. Be sure and write at once, and mention Punch. MANIFESTO.-—The Baspromp Manvractvrine Company having won a world-wide reputetion, many imitators of its system and style, without either the means or ability to carry | 1. what they advertise, often succeed in misleading the Public, to the iatter’s loss and annoy- | ce. As an additional security to the Public, e M. Co. will bear their well-known Registe:

THE LOOM TO THE CONSUMER.” car- atten- erg” Fanoy Knicker Canvas Cloth, pure Mohair looped Yarn; the “ Victoria,” ripes, with Plains to match ; the “ St. nards ” New Fancy Check Tweed for ile Cloth in Art Shades; the New “ Brandon” ,ilor-made Costumes; the New “ Cairo”’ All-Wool lersey Costame Cloth; the “ Princess Ida” New snvas Homespun Novelty Mixtures; the *‘ Whip- gham” All- y Cloth Art Colour- the “ Mikado” Check Canvas pure Mohair Yarn, with Plains to match; and all the celebrated Standard Makes of Mixtnres and per yard. ALL UNEQUALLED FOR PRICE AND

THE MEDICAL BATTERY COMPANY, LIMITED, 52, OXFORD STREET, LONDON, W. tomy friends. PLEASE FORWARD Exact Size Rounp tas Waist wext THe SKIN WHEW ORDERING THE “ ELECTROPATHIC BATTERY BELT” In recelpt of Post-Office Order or Cheque, value 21s., crossed London and County Bank, and psyable to C. B. Haayzss, The Medical Battery Company, Limited, 62, Oxford rect, London, W., undertake to forward the “* Electropathic Battery Belt,” as described above, for either Lady or Gentleman, free by post to any part of the United Kingdom, A 132-page Treatise, entitled “ ELECTROPATHY; ox, HARNESS’ GUIDE TO HEALTH,” profusely illustrated, and containing numerous well-authenticated Testimonials, will be sent, post-free, on application to RESS | FORD here, but refer you to my let

my case, an all certainly recommend your

52, OXFORD STREET, LONDON, W.

u tins » 2

article and length of materia) sent from - _— st Trade Mark, a“ Gixt at rae Loom.” REMEMBER THIS—(REGISTERED TRADE MARK)

rrnated by WiLam ~_ guith. of No B, Loraine Rood. Holiowas, in the Parish of St. Mary, leineton. om the « ip . reciact of W

bifetriars, in the City of Londvo, and published by tam at No

bad ee ounty of Muidtvsey at the Piinting Offers of Messrs, Vradbury, Agnew, & Co., Le lect ctrcet, iu the Pasiow of Ot. Bede, City of Loudus.—Bascapat, October 26, 1,