Punch 1885-09-19: Vol 89 Iss 2306

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_— ——— “One of the most genuinely comic productions ever written.”—Daily Telegraph. & Robert is a character, and his Diary is a work of genius.”—Daily Telegraph. # Mr. Charles Keene is the illustrator of a book which in every line is pictorial.”"—Daily Telegraph. # All who read Punch know and admire the convivial Robert; while people who do not read Punch may now alleviate their misfortune with this amusing little book.”—Saturday Review. ILLUSTRATED BY C. KEENE. ROBERT, Fourth Edition. is. Brapeuay, Acnew, & Co., 8, 9, 10, Bouverie St. . i % > “. ID, need eime | ae Daan Hi Pi ey ie J ( Wid? ] v HUET inayat VOLUME EIGHTY - NINE. —_o— SEPTEMBER 19, SES [iil iijiisin ae S42 r) i Hi KK — Fe i s = yt \ ls C2 ea ’ IT | | i oe ‘ G32 | we % | Persea \ i Mh ! i qi, ue All* ceri af n Suuieme Ai) LL Ril ( 2 ONS sf SAAT ANI Ses) sll \ "4 NY U4) 4) i * a DU Ch OD ve eee PUNE VOL. Se —' o™ 28 819 3) aoe AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, IMPROVED PRODUCTIVE FARMING, 1. THE CHEMISTRY OF THE FARM. 2. THE SOIL OF THE FARM. 3. THE LIVE STOCK OF THE FARM. 7. THE DAIRY OF THE FARM, HANDBOOK OF THE FARM SERIES, in Volumes, price 2s. Gd. each. \ 4. THE CROPS OF THE FARM. 5. THE PLANT LIFE OF THE FARM. 6. THE EQUIPMENT OF THE FARM. (Presse tooth “SON3d S3SHYHL 201d \

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| Write as smoothly A PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Szprempzr 19, 1885. NEW AND POPULAR NOVELS. poroTHyY | DRAKE By CLUB EASY CHAIRS Pasornice H. WHAT'S HIS OFFENCE? By the Author of “The Two Miss Fiemings.” 3 vols THE VERGE OF NIGHT. By THE LAW FORBIDS. By 3 vols SNOW IN ‘HARVEST. By Ipa ENTANGLED. By Miss Farerax Braane 3 vols. HURST & BLACKETT, Publishers. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK (PATENT) Delicious flavour. No digestion needed, Highly nutritious, Always ready. A sUmulant without aleohol. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK Unriva led for nutrition Yor all whose digestion is weak, invalids, deli- cate children, &c CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK (PATENT) Always available asa Restorative and agree able beverage. SAVORY & MOORE, NEW BOND STREET, LONDON. Tins, 2s. 6d. each, obtainable everywhere. cous MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, 1884. “A Pe whet Prisette in Ten Minutes.’ HIN DE’ S Hair Curling Pins Propccs Cuakuine Riweo ters, &c. UBED COLD. Sure: and much more effective than curl papers. Cmte In visi ble— Simplicity itself. o- im 64. and | ~ LH - boxes by = 7 Fancy Dealers, — AN ?. Mh” - | “aS Londo aon nami Reom, la, uy Road, £.C. Wholesale of M ths ve, Hirmingham and London. BEWARE ‘ot knavish mw em which are abso jutely useless frauds, Vendors will be rigorously prosecuted. ‘ x a & a x so Well adapted for onl “CHILDRBY and Mil K" A INVALIDS. = Tas Oxtt PERFECT SUPPLEMENT axp SUBSTITUTE roa MOTHER'S MILK. FOOD. Kecommended by the Highest Medica! Authorities in England and ail parts of the World. Prepared at Vevey, Switzerland. Sold everywhere. C_BRANDAUER&C” IRCULAR POINTED PENS as neither | ecrateh nor spurt, the S Dotstie ns vinded by an ee ow Six Prize Medals ewarded ample Box, 64., of any Stationer, - “ign Fangs te ©. Bras wo auee & Co s Fen Wore, Semi 25 SOLD ANNUAL CONSUMPTION CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 32 PRIZE MEDALS, ,000,000 Ibs. RETAIL EVERYWHERE. FLEURS WHITE ROSE. « most delicate odour. FRANGIPANNI, an eternal perfume. MAGNOLIA, natural as the flower. The Flower King AMBERGRIS, more rare than gold j VIOLET and OK ANGE, for Weddings. / KI1SS-ME QUICK, always sweet. 2 Three Bottles in case,78.; cy “+> Stngle Samples, ep zs. 64. +* Fond siree“ respectfully invite applications for PATTERNS of their NEW MATE- RIALS for the Present Season These are for- warded post free, together with the ILLUSTRATED PRICE LIST, con- taining 250 En- gravings, illustra- | ting the becoming fashionable styles of Costume for the wear of Gentle men, Youths, Boys, and Ladies Ba EL._B ROTHERS, 65 & 67, Ludgate Hill, Lonpon, E.C. BUNTER’S NERVINE. THE CURE FOR TOOTHACHE le. gd. and 2s. Od i v SAMUEL BROTHERS most | and | The best Disinfectant known to Science.” The Times. CONDY’S FLUID Makes no Smell. CONDY'S FLUID is Not Poisonous. | CONDY’S FLUID, the Only Purifier for Cisterns. CONDY’'S FLUID, the Only Cheap and Agreeable Disinfectant. SWI8s 22 es PURE Used at the Nationa! Training MILK. School for Cookery. Parr rrom Svueaa,. * | Medical Authorities say this Milk is much more wholesome than the Sweetened Milk. Of Grocers, Chemists, &c., at 64. per Tin. Wuotrsate—16, ABCHURCH LANE, E.C. ‘DINNEFORD'S MAGNESIA. | For ACIDITY or rae STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION, At Cuemists. FIVE COLD MEDALS Borwicks BAKING POWDER FOR CAKES, PASTRY & PUDDINGS. FITM SITTING ROOMS ENTS. AND BED ROOMS TASTEFULLY AND INGENIOUSLY FITTED, So as to secure the maximum of conv space is capab COLLINSON & LOCK an enience and comfort which any given le of affording. d JACKSON & GRAHAM, 68 to 80, OXFORD STREET, Ww. Ochweppe’s GINGER — = ao oe ot EXCEEDS “You Sxoun Try The DIVANS. MANUFACTURED py HOWARD & soy 26, BERNERS STREET DESIGNS ON APPLICaTioy OXFORD.-MITRE HOTE ONE OF THE MOST ECONOMICay FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE King GOLD MEDAL, ANTWERP, ig: Myers Grove" er Ps't CRATEFUL—COMFORTINC COCOA SODA WATE POTASS WA SELTZER WATER, ALE MALVERN SELTZER, 4s. 6d. per Do (Exclusive of Bottles.) M°GALL'S PAYSANDU OX TONGUES. Ss. 6d. per Dez Carriage is paid on Full and Empties to and = any address in the United Kingdom. A list of leading Agents sent on application to co., 51, Berners Street, London. J. SCHWEPPE & | @able

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NS te SepremBer 19, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 133 SEA-SIDE STUDIES. By Dumb-Crambo Junior. —— _. Enjoying the Height of the Seas-on. / The Bell Buoy. THE WAY WE ADVERTISE THIS WEEK, (Modern Sporting Specimens—very choice.) Qt LEGER! ST. LEGER! h JILL BUSTER, the Old Jockey, who was suspended for foul riding, so far hack as 1874, and was warned off Newmarket Heath for life, in 1878, has now ready his final synopsis for the St. Leger. Has been snubbed by more Owners and thrown out of more Trainers’ stables than any other Turf Adviser of the Age. Follow Britt Buster and the Queen’s Tazes, not to mention the Water Rates may follow you with impunity. Send at once Five Shillings in stamps to Post Office, Ropeborongh-on-the-Hill. = RCHER! ARCHER!!! ARCHER!!!—Frep Arcuer boldly _ states that he has no connection with the Jockey of that name, but is prepared to advise Noblemen and Gentlemen over the St. Leger. Has several real certainties. Who sent 100 to 1 Chance for the Two Thousand Guineas’ Why ARCHER! ARCHER! ARCHER! Frep ArcHER sent Golden Ray, who started 100 to 1, and finished absolutely last. Who has sent Paradoz all the Summer for the St. Leger? Why ARCHER! ARCHER! ARCHER! Frep Arcuer has persistently, from what he has seen and from | what he has heard, written up the chances of Paradox for the St. Leger, disregarding the fact that the colt was never entered in | the race. F. A. challenges the world to produce a Tipster capable of a similar feat. Wispom 1. Boosres 2. ( LU MO., still in Portland, and not out, owing to lack of marks towards diminution of sentence, till next July, when he hopes to meet all his old pals at dear old glorious Goodwood, begs to state that his business is carried on during his absence by his nephews, Iker and Mo Junr., and Incivility, Bad Language, and a Fight over each race anteed. No connection with Cucumber Mo, who should be avoid ,ashecomesofabadlot. 2°; bee SPORT OF KINGS! THE SPORT OF KINGS! THE SPORT OF KINGS! THE OLD RED, GREEN AND YELLOW FIRM. ; Same Oxp Spor. Borrom or HorsEeponp. Cigarettes and Brandy, both British, for all British Backers! ! Hy Devnaae Daten, oe ected Weltber cede Wor Ory) \4 DRUNKEN DanTeL, the elsher (vi ar Cry), will be pleased to see those Sons of Mammon whom he knew in his unrighteous days, and will be the first to let bygones be bygones, and start afresh.— Address, Post Office, Doncaster. a a aie == ENJAMIN BOLTER has no need to dis the col Wikgo sof PL ing to the world how far superior he is to his fellow-men. facts. He simply says— That he is the Proprietor of the Whitechapel Vaticinator ; That his Newmarket Correspondent was a Hairdresser's Assistant ; That his Special Commissioner was a Clown in a Cirous ; That Mey Saye eee wee 0 Ween abithe ** Bpotted Dog,” W, le states . ep contents eee it to 2 he Fubite whether he and is Selented are not in possib ascertain facts Noblemen and Gintianen whe are the Turf’s leading - mont sang , GENTLEMAN, of great experience on the Turf, and ho i A A ‘ I ’ one who is . in all the really to meet with a Gentleman of similar tastes to accompany him to . No applicants unable to put down £50 cash in the Firm need apply.—Apply by letter to the Marker, the Burglars’ Rest, Skittle Alley, Berend. pacts, NOT WORDS. ' Thames Police Court, ’82—6 months for assault. Marylebone do. ‘°83—3 months do, do. ’83—6 months do, Aintree do. ‘'84—3months do, Epsom do. ‘°84—6months do, Croydon do. ’85—6months do, The above speak for themselves. Stocerne Samvet is now dis- e , and d to settle any accounts over which Bookmakers may have trouble with their clients. ‘‘ Remember the Slogger’s Right.” (Tom Brown's Schooldays.) Ww ’D HAVE HOCUSSED PARADOX ? WHO’D HAVE ROPED MELTON? WHO’D HAVE LAMED THE BARD? Why, old Jacx the Tout, honest old Jack, if he’d have had half a chance { Honest old Jack has had a bad time, but means going for the gloves now and winning. Such a chance for downright plucky sportsmen, with their hearts in the right place, has never occurred before. Follow honest old Jacx, and shout ** Break THE Rine!” CAROLINES AND PENNY-A-LINERS, THE news received from Berlin that King ALrnowso had written a short and pressing letter to the German Emperor has naturally excited public opinion as to its contents, and though the 7imes says that ‘** nothing has i as to its tenour,” and adds “ that it is affirmed that the Emperor has communicated it to the Empress and the Prince Imperial, and that all three are very much impressed by it,” the following may be regarded as the authentic text of the spirited document in question. Events move fast, and its interest even now is somewhat on the wane; yet, as a factor in the present complication, it is, no less than the prompt reply it elicited, and which is subjoined below, not without its weight. Manip, September 14, 1885, Dear Royat anp Imprnrat Cousin anp Uncie, Wuart on earth is to bedone ? Since my last the regrettable incident, to which I will not further refer, has, of course, accentuated the situation, and I fear, whether I will or not, I shall be forced now to assume an attitude that will fill me with lively regret. It is scarcely possible, in the face of the manifestation of popular feeling here, to escape the necessity of telegraphing to the authorities to make some demonstration on the spot. You see how I am placed. Could I not rely on your to order your own vessel to keep well out of the way, if only fora few days? This would seem sue a fortunate and desirable solution of the difficulty, which, believe me, at least here, is most acute and pressing. J am writing this in my Uhlan uniform, that I have put on, not with a view to appearing in it in the balcony before the populace, but as a compliment to you, through your Ambassador, whom I am about to receive in audience. You see, therefore, that whatever obstacles beset me, I am still and always shall be, Your devoted and anxious Cousin and natal PHONSO, Benin, September 16, 1885. Dear Royal LitrLe Brornern ayy Neruew, 1 am profoundly touched by your appeal, and po may assuredly count on my most excellent will, Explain your wishes fully to Sorms. Though our worthy Chancellor not 60 yurposed it, our vessel will not trouble your ships, but proceed to Bin . Never mind the roy incident. Diplomacy will cmireney the excrescences of the situation, and meanwhile keep up your ish pecker, and trust loyally to your old and devoted Grandfather and Cousin, WituiaM. VOL. LXYXXIx. N

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134 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Sepremper 19, 1885, A SCOTCH SKETCH. (GROWiNG POPULARITY OF THE HIGHLANDS ) Mrs. Smith (of Brixton). ‘‘ Lor’, Ma. Browx, I ’arpiy KNOO YER! THINK OF OUR MEETIN’ 'ERE, THI8 YEAR, INSTEAD OF DEAR OLD Margit! Aw’ I suppose THaT’s THE CosTUME YOU GO SALMON-STALKING IN?” LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL.* THE DIRGE OF THE DISAPPOINTED DINER. Atrn—“ Twickenham Ferry.”’ * At a meeting of the Twickenham Local Board, the Chair- man (Mr. C. J. Ve stated that the accumulations of mud in the river = their a were just a - now as last year. During the past wee Twicken had been unable to work from its usual place.””—Gilode. — Dear me, oh dear me, where is Twickenham Ferry ? (There’s plenty of mud, the stream running down !) I see not » bos oo I ma net Seeing soery, Though asked out to dinner in wickenham town: They dine at, I’m certain, = gumenr ze Com, So e on the mud-banks, bemoaning my fate ; For there is not a punt, or a skiff, or a wherry, Or chance of my dining in Twickenham town! Dear me, it is strange, where is Twickenham Ferry ? tiers "8 poate of mud, 4 stream ang down !) m getting an-hungered, sav very, They ’re punctual diners in Twickenham town ! I cannot get over, howe’er I may wish— They have finished the soup, they ’re beginning the fish, They have had a few glasses of excellent sherry— I would I were dining in Twick town! Dear me, it is odd, where is Twickenham Ferry ? (There’s plenty of mud, the stream running down !) I’d roast the Conservancy Board like a berry, For barring my progress to Twickenham town! I’m perfectly sober, but something is wrong— Does Twickenham Ferry exist but in song ? [’m as likely to-night to be dancing in Kerry As taking my dinner in Twickenham town | * Where on earth has he been all thistime? Lazy!! There never was such a Lazy Minstrel! But, after this contribution, we are pretty sure to receive a visit from him.—Ep. Answer TO A ConRESPONDENT.—‘‘ A Lover of Snax- SPEARE residing at Pegwell Bay” writes to know where the line— ** Ye potted shrimps with double tongue,”’ is to be found in the Works of the Divine Wrxt1as, and if the coincidence may be taken to refer to the Poet's peculiar fancy for two dishes at breakfast, the one being tted shrimps and the other double or “‘ rolled tongue” ? e line he quotes may probably be found in the first folio, but we have lent ours, and it has not yet been returned. OnLy LETTER TO ASHMEAD BARTLETT, ESQ. (Care of the Right Hon. Mr, Punch.) My Dear Dame Bartiett,—You ought to be more careful now you have asked yourself into office. You have been, so far, but a note of any wep pon ee yourself to a full stopnow. AnlI for an Eye has script warrant, but the maxim may be abused. These remarks, my dear Dame, are due to a report of a speech — you made somewhere the other day. This is a bit of what you said :— ** No language was strong enough to condemn the politician who under- rated the need for England of a paramount Navy. He (Eye, that is] would pass over the Imperial value of our maritime am —the glory, prestige, honour, these priceless attributes of a great and self-respecting nation. The sickly and pusillanimous cosmopolitanism and the flabby and featestic senti- mentalism of our day despised these noble heritages of an illustrious past, and laboured to supersede them by the cult of every worthless barbarism and every antagonistic interest, and by their universal and new-fangled Panjan- drum, ruinous scuttle, and shame.” Now I never myself heard of any politician who underrated the need of a paramount Navy. My dear Eye, I thought we were all agreed about it. But your English, Barrterr—your English ! I would charitably hope that you had taken too much of your hosts’ wine. But you had not. For if you had, you could not possibly have made such a sentence as ‘ the sickly and pusillanimous cos- mopolitanism and the flabby and fantastic sentimentalism ” clear to any human being, let alone a reporter. Try it when a little sprung. Then, dear Dame, what do you think you mean by ‘‘ a universal and new-fangled Panjandruam?” Whatisa Panjandrum? A prescrip- tion? a + ? Unless you were haunted with vague ideas of your- self in the character of a little round button at top, I am unable to arrive at the remotest conclusion as to what you thought you meant. A common Panjandrum is said to bea kind of Javanese Common- Coonctiman. A universal and new-fangled Panjaadrum becomes an unutterable nightmare. A ‘‘ruinous scuttle” is also a vile phrase, especially when suddenly wound up with such a common-place expression (so unworthy of you, BaRTLETr) as ‘‘ shame.” 8 are dear, but scuttles are much as they have been since Oscar improved them. Think of your parents! Mr. and Mrs. Barttert, 4 will be summoned and fined by the School Board of Eye for not enforcing your attendance, if you go on like this. We wil part on friendly terms this time, dear Dame, but do take care. Have you ever read the Ingoldshby Legends? Hardly, | should think. But consider this stanza with a variation :— Lord Satissury, Ranwpo.pn, and each Tory man May say what they please, and may do what they can ; But one thing seems remarkably clear— They may go out to-morrow, or stay in next year, Make his borough a “ district,” or anything try, They ’Il never get quit of the Member for Eye Warningly yours, Srratron STRAWLESS. A HATEFUL HABIT. CorowEt Sir Francis Botton, giving evidence at the inquest held on the poor lady who died from the effect of burns received at the Inventions Exhibition, deposed that it was a very common practice to throw lighted matches on the ground at the Exhibition, and that he had been looking out for an accident of this kind for some months. Inspector RowLanD stated that on the same night he counted twenty persons who perpetrated this act of callous imbecility. Twenty pos- sible homicides, and—alas!—one actual one, all from that unpardonable ‘‘ want of thought” which is almost as bad, and some- times quite as mischievous, as “want of heart.” The Coroner and the Jury agreed that the mischievous habit must be “‘ put down”; and Mr. Punch hopes that the cruel death of this poor victim of selfish folly may at least have the effect of hastening on that ‘‘ consum- mation most devoutly to be wished.”

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SerremBer 19, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 135 German Sausage, loquitur :— “ Owton is strength,” methinks I ’ye heard. a h of a sort, no doubt. be a little bit absurd For us to tumble out. | THE GERMAN SAUSAGE AND THE SPANISH ONION. “ The question as to which of the two Powers may be entitled to exercise sovereign rights in the Caroline Islands, to tempt the Imperial Government to seek a solution of it by departing from the conciliatory traditi i fiiendly to Spain.”’—Prince Bismarck’s Despatch to Count Solms. ap ee Se 1 cannot “‘ eat the leek,” of course— ’T were easier to eat you ; But is there nothing but sheer force To settle ’twixt us two? Cheer up, my odorous esculent ! 1 love you—like a brother. ds, is not sufficiently important policy, which have always been especiaily ee I’m sure that we were never meant os gobble up each other. ’t frown at me, you furious mite, you! You really do me wron | I’ve not the smallest wish to bite you, ON A CERTAIN RECALL. Some hint Sir CuaRies in wisdom was found lacking. That’s probably a case of Waxnen’s blacking. ’Anny THE ARIsTocrAT.— On the wall of what is called “‘ The Etablissement,” at Kamagate, is poste Balt EVERY Evenine. You are (winks) so awfully strong | ——_—_——— i d up this notice—‘* Szizocr Admission, 6d.”

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136 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Sepremner 19, 1885 _

A SHORT HOLIDAY CRUISE. | Over old Ground—On Board—The Mystic Umbrella— The Composer limited female trying to

in a New Character—Arrwal— Under Weigh. Owcer more going North from Euston, with my friend, Cutims the Composer, whose charming song ‘* The Past is but a Muddled Dream,” recently created such a furore in musical circles, both bound for the Yacht Aramintha. & by the Limited Mail, and find an un- e possession of our seats. She has had, - however, to argue with a sturdy Scotch ,» and is now confronted and put utterly to rout by the lawful owners. She disappears, and is heard no more. It is late in the season for a cruise, and we fear the weather is breaking. We hope for the best, and are more or less prepared for the worst. Uneventful journey. At Carlisle, hunger being a sharp thorn, we a cup of luke-warm and doubtful coffee and attempt a nibble at a slice of bread-and-butter, to which description of some fine ancient vintage would apply — ‘‘ curious, old, and jon dry.” It is nine minutes past 5 a.m., and the Guard did not inform us that, as we were bound for Stranraer, we had at least a a a _ quarter of an hour to spare, instead of being hurried off in five minutes. Why he kept this a secret? There

A Figure Head. | might have been something better at Carlisle, after all, than the above- mentioned fossil bread-and-butter, tepid coffee, and indifferent tea, which last considerably upset the poser’s equanimity. How- ever, he justified his professional claims by composing himself to sleep; and repose, not conversation, being our object, we were more or less somnolent, and perfectly silent. N.B.—North Britain. Sunrise very effective. I draw the Composer’s| board his attention to it, thinking he would like to compose something about a Sunrise,—say a Sunata,—but he only turns round and burrows into the cushion, muttering ‘Sunrise be blowed!” The Composer is evidently a trifle crusty. To adapt Dr. Warts’s Sluggard, ‘I have called him too soon, I shan’t call him again.” e pass the ** Irving Arms Hotel.” onder if : ee co | a theatrical district. there ’s an “‘ Irving Legs Hotel”? Nobody visible ; only geese and donkeys out at this time of the morning. is observation would not be a safe one to make in the presence of a man gifted with what in Shakspearian times was styled ‘‘ a pretty wit.” He would be sure to use it ou. In his mt sociable frame of mind, I fancy the Composer would if I gave him a chance. Dumfries.—The Composer murmurs, as he gazes wearily through the window at nothing in icular, ‘‘ Um! Castle of Dumfries. Let me see—what there? Siege—I think—subject for cantata—or opera.” he dives down again head-foremost, and disappears under a rug. At Lochmaben, or some euch name, which sounds to the initiated as if not — un with the mysteries of Freemasonry, we don’t stop, but only considerably speed, and the train passes as it were on tiptoe, so as not to di the sleeping inhabitants. Perhaps there’s a ial si up “‘ Please don’t wake the Station Master.” If not, it is remarkably htful of the driver, and let us include the stoker, who may have suggested this idea to the driver. Stranraer.—We both regard one another paeare The sea is, there is no concealing the fact, the sea is just a little less calm than we could have wished. Composer, pulling himself together, announces his intention of taking breakfast on board the steamer = is to convey us to Larne, in Ireland. I follow suit, with quaims, Weembark. We breakfast. I am bound to admit, an excellent breakfast, as this meal, in Scotland, universally is. Also cheap. It is ready for you immediately you come on board, and you sit down to it before the boat starts. Verbum sap. After it, I lie down in the saloon, being unwilling to trust myself on deck, a p: ing which would result in my arriving at the Yacht a mere wreck, a pale phan- tom of my usual self. But I know that the evil hour must come. I have a presentiment. SoI stay below. The Composer excitedly hurries down, to inform me that the Captain has got a powerful magnetic umbrella which will much interest me. It attracts the compass. Let it; it won’t attract me; and I remain where I am. Jy suis, j'yreste. When thesteamerstops at Larne, however, CULLINS, who is as brisk as if he had never done anything all his life but skip up and down a companion, insists upon my seeing the Captain go through his performance with the compass and the umbrella. CuLLIns acting as showman, having taken the Captain entirely under his patronage, as I will now explai In the Captain’s existence this episode of the etic umbrella marks an epoch. He is just now full of it. I believe that till CULLINS came on board he has been in the habit of delivering a series of seriously scientific lectures to detachments of passengers, con- sisting of as many as can at one time find standing-room in the little deck steerage-house, to whom he has at considerable length enlarged on the divergences of the compass as affected by a etised umbrella; and in this instructive exhibition he has generally been assisted by any amenable ger who would carry the umbrella and obey the Captain’s directions. But with the a ce of Cutis all this is changed. CuLLuns, in spite of his being an emi- nent composer, has a hard, sharp, and undeniable manner with him, which es a stranger by surprise, and compels him, on the first ——- to render blind obedience to the Composer’s dictates. hysically, the Captain of the steamboat would make three of Cutis, but the latter holds him with his glittering eye, and has much the same effect on the Captain, as the magnetised umbrella has upon the compass. The Captain is talking to a friend, and is on the point of quitting the ship. But CuLLiys won't allow anything of the sort. “Here, Captain! Hi! hi!” he erties. ‘‘ Come back! Here’s the gentleman to see the umbrella.” And back comes the burly Sea Captain, with a pales gait, like one of his own steamers in a ground swell, and submissively produces the umbrella, inviting me to follow him into the steerzge-house. ‘** Ye’ll just mark the compass,” he commences, very slowly, being evidently deeply impressed by the immense importance of this scien- tifie ae. when CuLiins cuts in— ‘The Captain means,” says CuLiuys, briskly interrupting, and acting asa lively showman and also interpreter, as though the Captain had been addressing me in some strange foreign langnage,—‘' The Captain means to say that he wants you to see the effect which that umbrella—its frame is made of magnetised steel—has upon the compass.” The Captain, who has not yet recovered his breath, he has been so completely gered by the words being taken out of his mouth, nods his head in token of assent, and is evidently beginning to ask himself whether he is in a dream, and i is still commanding on is own ship or not. But Cuiis, whose tone and action have drawn a certain number of idlers from the landing-stage, and caused some of the departing passengers to pause, having now got together something like a respectable audience, with me as a sort of chairman, to whom he can personally address his remarks, continues in his sprightliest style— Ea “You see,” he says, addressing me, in my aforesaid imaginary capacity, in the first instance, and then taking his audience into his confidence right and left, ‘‘ one night the Captain looked in here, and found the compass was indicating the wrong course——” Here he turns to the Captain for corroboration, and obtains it, the Captain bending his head slowly forward like a mechanical wax figure. From his puzzled expression I can see that CuLLins is not putting the case with nautical precision as concerns details, but that, on the whole, the narration is correct, and the Captain, listening to his own story as if he were hearing it still in a dream, cannot recover himself sufficiently to wake up, and tell it properly himself. . ** And,” continues CuLtins, looking round at his auditors, who, from their attitude of respectful attention, I ~p & 2 begin to think that he is either the Managing Director of the Company, or the sole proprietor of the steamers on the Stranraer and Larne route, ‘* when the Captain noticed this, he took charge of the steering him- self. The compass still varied, turning this way and that way ”— here, following the dramatic movement of CuLLIns’s hands, the audi- ence listen with breathless interest,—‘‘ the Captain, as a thoroughly experienced sailor,”’—here they all regard the Captain with admira- tion, and he himself looks modestly down, as though he were havin his health proposed by CuLLins, and were meditating what on eat he should say in reply,—‘‘ knew that there must be some counteracting influence. But no one was here with him, no one was, as far as he could see in the dark night, outside. But, not satisfied, he looked out again, and then he saw an elderly Gentleman.” The Captain nods, and intimates that CuLLins is now on the right tack. ’ I, in my temporary character of Chairman of a Scientific Associa- tion listening to instruction, give a dignified bow of encouragement to the lecturer, the audience draw breath and won't lose a word of it. CuLuuxs proceeds :—‘* The Captain asked him to step in. Directly he did so, the compass went right round at him.” Audience takes this literally, and show signs of alarm. They think CuLiins and the Captain are Spiritualists. ‘The Captain said, ‘ Sir, you have some- thing about you which interferes with the true action of the compass. The middle-aged Stranger indignantly denied it. The Captain re- quested that he would allow himself to be searched.” Great excite- ment among audience. All eyes on the Captain. Captain 4 bit bewildered, evidently doesn’t quite recognise himself in this part of the narrative. CULLINS goes on as if he were addressing a jury : ‘“‘The gentleman resented this. The insisted. He pointed out that he couldn’t allow his ship to be run out of her course, ond all their ives endangered becunse the sitaly passe nger -< it of steel in his pocket, or whatever it migh so powerf affected the com Well, h searched thoroughly, and

e was nothing was found.”

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SS Sepremper 19, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 137 ———— — hless interest. Everyone, myself included, expecting that P nea would turn out to be a sort of human electric-eel, a very attractive, and yet ashocking sort of person. The Captain having y recovered the use of his voice, is heard tp murmur something, but CuLLINs won’t have it, and means to go on as he has begun :— : “Tn order to be searched he had to take off his coat, and to do that he deposited his umbrella outside. The search being over, he went out at the left door, but this time the compass didn’t follow him, but pointed right. Out went the in,”—this sounds like the song and chorus of ‘‘ Down went the Captain, down went the Crew,” and I fancy from a note in the Composer’s voice, that a reminiscence of this is in his harmonious and retentive mind; it is at all events an opportunity for a chorus which everyone present has allowed to escape,—" Out went the Captain, and there was an umbrella.” Immense sensation. ing dramatic situation. ‘Is this yours ?’ he ealled out to the passenger. It was. ‘Then, look here,’ said the Captain, ‘this umbrella has been magnetised, and you might have wrecked us all with it.”” Audience thrilled with horror. CuLLins pints to the Captain, and says :-— ‘Captain, have the goodness to produce the umbrella, and show us how it acts upon the compass.” ‘ The Captain, as passively obedient as the mesmerised lady who carries out to the letter the conjuror’s orders, at once complies. He doesn’t say anything, but he moves the umbrella first to the right, then to the left, and we all crowd round the compass watching its extraordinary revolutions, a exclaims, ‘‘ Well, that is curious!” and generally regard Co~ims and the Captain with a jurking suspicion that they are confederates in a swindle, and that there will be something to pay for the show. “Now, Captain,” says Cvutiiws, authoritatively, “take the umbrella outside.” The Captain oa. He takes it outside, and looks at us witha curious sadness through the window. The compass persistently follows the movements of the Captain with the umbrella. ‘There ’s clearly no trick about it,” observes one of the audience, in an undertone, to a friend, who replies, ‘‘Oh, no; it’s quite genuine.” Then the little crowd breaks up and melts away gradu- lly, as they do from the front of a Punch and Judy Show when the man is preparing to go round with the hat, while I hear murmurs of “Oh, very eurious! most interesting!” as they disappear one by one, and two by two, in a surreptitious, shuffling sort of way, as if they were conscious of having encouraged a showman under false pretences, and were now sneaking off without paying for the enter- tainment. 1 am left standing by the compass. ‘It is most remarkable,” I sagely observe, and I don’t know whether to congratulate the Captain on the acquisition of the old umbrella, or to condole with him on the loss of his brand-new one, which, he informs me, he has given to the mysterious and dangerous passenger in exchange for the magnetic instrument. It is a second-hand kind of article, and, as a protection against rain, is, I see, utterly useless. Certainly the Mysterious Traveller got the best of the bargain. A voice from the quay here sings out, ‘‘ Hi! you fellows!” and, in another second, CuLLmns has caught the tone, forgotten all about the Captain and his umbrella, and, exclaiming to me, “‘ Hi! here! Come along! here’s MELLEVILLE,” he has hurried over the gangway, and is shaking hands heartily with our host and old friend MELiE- VILLE, owner of the Amarintha. I wish the Captain ‘‘ Good-bye!” and join our friends on the pier of Larne Harbour. ‘Blowing a bit fresh,” observes Metievitie. “ But I suppose you'd like to get under weigh at once ?” Certainly, if that suits him. It does. And so, directly we are on board the Amarintha—and to reach her we have a somewhat uneas experience in the gig, rowed by four of the stalwart crew—we shall start for—where ? ‘Well, we shall make for Oban, but we shan’t get there to-day,” my ; “though,” he adds, ‘it ought to be a very good g-day. CuLtins the Composer, no longer the Showman, Lecturer, and the deapetio Commander, seems, so to speak, to have retired within him- elf, and to be disinclined to come out again. Once more, traps and all, on board the Amarintha. The Ama- rntha evidently wants to get away; she is very restless, and is aap & ae as fresh asa an that has been three days shut up 8 e. Up she goes! Down she goes! Sideways she goes to the left! | Sideways she goes to the right ! Up she goes! Down she goes ! | ch ne? what would you both like to do!” asks MELLEVILLE, | CvLtmns and myself,—TI see the reply in his eye, and I feel it is in wea say, if we might out honestly, ‘‘ Please, Sir,— a ny pe bed beck cous.” But we are here for a holiday cruise, er, —_ | “Well—I think—I'll—in fact, I think I’d better”—(Up she goes! and down she goes! and sideways she goes! and roll she goes !) —‘*I think I'd better go below, and—lie down,—eh? Don’t you . Certainly,” returns MELLEvVILLE; “far the best way,—and get over | Cuttons has already vanished. I descend the companion. Up she goes again! Whop she goes! Yeo ho! One, two, three, pull! Round she goes! Sideways she goes! Can’t unpack. Down she goes! Where's berth? Sideways she goes! meets me half- way. Whop she goes! Over she goes! Flop she goes! Down she goes ! And down I go, flat on my back—and they don’t see me again till dinner-time. appy and , ht.— great Neison was always ill when he first came on board ship. Up she ] _ she goes! Rattle, rattle, rattle! Flop. Boom bang! Whop. One, two, three, pull! One, two, three, pull! 8-s-s-swish she goes through the water! Wz are under weigh. About she ees! Sideways she goes! Oh! And poor Leing Towed in. rer Rabbit lays low. (To be continued—I think.) A SONG FOR SKEGNESS, “Tt is just the place for a few hours at the sea-side, the Paradise of the ‘Cheap-tripper,’ with wide-spreading sands, whereupon children can disport themselves with perfect safety.”’—Standard. Do you like the North Wind with the roar of the seas, As the spray flies afar on the terous breeze ; Do you care for a pier that is terribly long, With a room at for the dance the song ; D0 70s See See Spats Seas Saves > copes € coeee In fine clothes, then away to the shores of Skegness. Are you fond of cheap trips, when our ’Anry’s about, And his rather cacophonous longteer rings out ; Do you go to the sea-side to rollick and joke, And to ride up and down on a poor little ‘‘ moke ;” If you care for a swin A pon San omnes To a love for Aunt y; go to Skegness. If you care by the far-sounding ocean to stand, And to watch little children build forts on the sand ; If you wish to be pho’ there by the sea, With a pipe in your mouth, ena agli (sa Why, go to the Li hire sea-coast, and b Your stars that you thought of a day at Skegness. If you like a plain tea, here are folks ‘‘ on the job,” ‘0 will do it for ninepence, with shrimps for a ‘ bob.” Hot water costs twopence, no great store of pelf While the wily excursionist brings grog himself. There ’s aw too on view—it were to express All the wonderful things you can see at Skegness. Are you fond of a neighbourhood perfectly flat, With never a hill that’s as high as your hat ; Do you care for a place where, you must understand, There is nought to be seen but the sea and the sand, With an atmosphere bracing ; you'll pack up, I guess, And go off for a trip to that breezy Skegness. Seasonable Munificence ? A Diewrrany of the Established Church, in « pastoral on Funeral Reform, reco the performance obsequies with decent economy, and suggests that such sa of expense might be devoted in some part to a charitable or useful object. Excellent advice ; but little, perhaps, likely to be followed by survivors who feel them- selves heavily enough burdened with Probate and Succession Duty. Cowper’s Task. (In the “ Nineteenth Century.’’) To show the Rad the merest of scares, : And prove that the ** Old Whigs” are not without Aeirs. Morro ror THe Norrs Caicxer Team.—' Saaw to win!” i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —_[Surrzwsmn 19, 1, ———— Vit tays atts {| cn Wie i J 4 \ Pa, | A / j seus - at it. Tain Wein iN} hil j iL | a X\\S | 4 eye WU Uy ™ Aye . : eb | ||| ) ee uy ‘ : MU iy bi A DAUGHTER OF EVée. Mamma, **‘ We.t, Eva, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING IN THE GLAss FoR? SMARTENING YOURSELF UP? EH?” Eva, ‘‘Om pear no! J poNn’r WANT TO LOOK YOUNGER THAN | REALLY AM!” . ' Each to out the other burns. Sublime, | THE POLITICAL POLO MATCH. 5 When in the Hobby-Tourney Patch meets Patch! ‘Ho! give the Hobby-Horse more room to play ia!” et some may feel, by furious feints unshaken, | Cries the old singer of *' The Morrice Dance.” Such fights may be too seriously taken | The Hobby Game, as played our modern day in, Lacks not for scope. Bee how they spur and prance, The rival Champions at the old-new sport, A PHILISTINE ON THE PRIMROSE. | Loved now as in the days of Hazsr’s Court! Is there any such Primrose as a September Primrose? Lord Tss- Modes shift, but motives change not. Fast and furivus Nrsow, according to an admirer of the noble Laureate, has Waxes the fray as in old tilting lists. the question in some lines in his In Memoriam, representing Lay on! lay on! Can such hot zeal be spurious ? * The primrose of the later year After the ball! What eager turns twists ! As not unlike to that of Spring.”’ What is the sphere that makes such toil and trouble 7 , , 7 : 7 Is it more firm than Folly’s flying bubble ? The Tennysonian, touching this testimony of Tznnrson’s, justly remarks that: ‘If he says that there is such a primrose, we msy Who, in mid-chase, asks what the quarry ’s worth ; rely upon it that he is right.” Nodoubt; but does Tznwrson sy Hot on the trail and fierce in emulation ? that there are an autumnal primresss other in thelr kind fe) Polo pour rire may move the Sage to mirth autumnal apple-blossoms, abnormal and uncommon wtital 7 Bat a een-liedien-tout 's on eosunction knows that primroses in September are nothing like so plentiful «| Ac eanlensen an af thandan-Shests blackberries, and that there is no proportion whatever between the In red and real Bai ilst it lasts ! Michaelmas Primrose and the Michaelmas Ts it quite impossible that the ‘ primrose” of In Memoriam mss | Thwack! Thwack! This way and that way flies the ball, | have been a slip of the pen, and that, by the flower so written dows, * smite.” As each bold rider deals his mighty ‘ : the Poet in his own mind really meant the that is to say the Which make hich fail or fall ? Autumn Crocus, identical to eye with the Spring Are ee aged, we in See cies. meadow-saffron (Colchicum autumnale), so celebrated as a cure for fan on rey musing, though, *midst ns & pother, gout and rheumatism ? Dryaspvst. ow like Champions are to one another - ™ ny oor camp po tog thought Mem. by M‘Calvity. o their excited backers, onder ! — “ - ine—is nothin bolisati iving Had they perchance under chan calouss fought, es Pnnned yr the any CW. Sleya'e 4 Song of pond What would have been the difference, we wonder ? duced of the Hereford Decticai, Would they have fought with less tremendous dash. — Or would the well bave come to utter smash? wor ee ? ae. sf Spring ? i ’s pleasant! a piece , e But each his mount has chosen, for the time, Were it but true, Z were ape And each seems bent on winning this one match ; For I—alas !—am Balder every day

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Serremnsr 19, 1885. THE POLITICAL POLO MATCH.

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ie hs ES S< BOE SOR a F & wt one _ EeeooE”-”*~- .. A ~ z ee Dt SS ae

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® | Water for dan

| Seermcoen 19, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 141

—_

————— SHOOTING DISTRICTS. (By Dumb-Crambo Junior.)

Killin.

| THE TOURIST IN TOWN. Tue * Figet” on THE THAMES. | How to get on Board.—By peying a small charge, rising from | one penny up to four shillings and sixpence. The Money-takers, as a rule, are either extremely melancholy or ultra-savage. The former generally sell in a plaintive sort of fashion cheap cigars and super- fluous hat-guards, the latter show a disposition to question your | right to a ticket by vacating their boxes when a steamboat hails in | sight. Having purchased your voucher, you get on to the pier, | which is usually undergoing certain mysterious repairs. Some of the | landing-stages are bright with flowers and substantially built, but others (notably that of Vauxhall Bridge) are gloomy and shaky. | A man who sits upon one of the benches at the pier just indicated is | worthy either of the Victoria Cross for bravery, or apartments at | Hanwell, Colney Hatch, or Hottoway’s In-Sanatorium at Virginia | Wate rous lunacy. The usual fashion of conducting em- | barking and disembarking, as adopted by the ‘‘Servants of the | Company,” is to allow the boat to approach the floating barge | within measurable distance, to make an abortive demonstration with | arope, and ultimately to huddle the passengers over a watery chasm with a long jump and the ery, ‘‘ Now then, look sharp, if you are | going!” Pier-masters of a jocular turn of mind, however, prefer the ar “Crushtoe Act,” which consists in bringing the end of the | ladder sharply and unexpectedly down upon the feet of people wait- | ing to come ashore close to the gangway. Impressions on Board.—That the River certainly might be cleaner, —you have your doubts whether it could be dirtier. If you happen | to have travelled in other steamers, you will be surprised that | Londoners can put up with such miserable accommodation. | If you take up your place in the bows, you will probably be half pon m by rank tobacco; if you keep in the stern, you will certainly | be sprinkled with “‘ blacks” yt the funnel. In either position you | will have to sit upon a hard bench fashioned after a very primitive pattern. Should the rain — you to take shelter in the ‘‘ cabin,” | you will enter a small, badly-lighted, wretchedly-ventilated apart- | ment, which in the course of a few minutes will, from excess of so- | Journers, become intolerable. At the entrance to some of the cabins | you will find ‘* Refreshment” counters (faintly reminding you of street | apple-stalls) furnished with sweetstuff, buns, bottled ale, and other luscions luxuries, Returning to the deck, you will notice that the funnel at high tide is a thing not to be disregarded, especially if ang ppen to be seated underneath it when the boat is shooting a bridge If you escape the funnel, it will be as well to look out for the atten- tions of the gamins who line the summits of the Westminster and Waterloo are es, because those attentions are more boisterous than pleasant. To sum up, if it is fine, you will get covered with soot ; and should it rain, you will have the choice of either being drenched on eck or stifled in the cabin. Under these circumstances, it is not astonishing that the Shareholders of some of these steamboats have aiden greatly troubled about receiving an embarrassingly heavy Pleasure Tripe.— There are several. If you are fond of running when you will have the you 3 take a cost —~ —o Coase ve the privilege of travelling by a vessel specially built i the voyage, which moves at the rate of at least two knots | | |

, | come **se

— an hour. If you are more ambitious, have learned to love ‘* Southend- on-Sea,” and have not Scotch views about the First Day of the week you can embark on board a “‘saloon steamer” on a Sunday, an travel down to that pleasant watering-place. Such an excursion will reveal to you that the golden rule of the vast majority of the passengers is ‘* When in bt drink a bottle of beer,” and that the vast majority of the passengers consequently and seemingly spend their entire time in a condition of chronic perplexity. You will also note that a “‘ saloon steamer” is conside incomplete unless it ay a band of aged musicians, who Jook like sailors who have n instructed in the elements of music by self-taught Mermaids, very late in life. You will also observe that a large per-centage of the ee oe have ey, at some time or ao from a smart attack o -pox, and a yet larger per-cen are addicted to the fine old English occupation known ha a it in the bowl.” If you have no objection to beer, music, con- valescence, and ay, you will find a water excursion to Southend- on-Sea alto charming, but if you are not particularly fond of sat Ns entals” why—why— you had better go by some other route. Besides the above-mentioned diversions, there are, occasionally, ‘* moonlight trips,” which are conducted with a certain, or rather uncertain, consumption of stimulants. Farther a-field—at one of the Kentish watering-places—this idea was adopted by the owner of a private steamboat, who was fad perhaps is) in the habit of carrying out of the local jurisdiction of licensing Magistrates a cargo of baccha- nalians bent u drinking spirits during land-prohibitive hours. It is reported that the captain of this mirth-provoking craft nearly became a second edition of the Flying Dutchman, by finding himself unable to see the pier (or rather he saw a great number too many piers), and, consequently, to enter the harbour! The legend relates that the strangely-steered vessel knocked about the bar until some hours after the store of alcohol had been exhausted. General Conclusion.—That the river flowing through London is one of the finest sights in the world, and the most convenient high- way imaginable, but that the fleet of steamboats is about as worthy of the Thames as the Fleet Ditch was worthy of Fleet Street. Cannot some patriotic descendant of the immortal Van Tromp, whose family has been long enough settled in London to love it, sweep the existing conveyances from water, in emulation of his great ancestor, and thus clear the road for vessels of better construction? Vaw Txom P, Van Tromp—bearer of the mystic broom—to the rescue |

SPEAKING “GENERALLY.” Nor very long , Lord Naprer oF Macpata’s suggestion that Retired Officers of the Army should be employed in civil occupations, was immortalised by one of Mr. Punch’s expertest Artists. A General was represented as having cooked a chop to a cinder, ruined a pair of boots in the vain attempt to polish them, and smashed the -lamp while feebly striving to clean it. In spite of this | ment, er warriors (both British-born and foreign) still seek for situations, as the following advertisements—cut from the Daily News of the 27th ult.—clearly demonstrate :— C= GENERAL, speaking little English, with good references, open to immediate engag t.—To be seen, &c. WO GENERALS. Together or separate, Good characters, £12. —Apply, &c. It seems almost cruel to sneer at the evident desire of these veterans to ‘‘ make themselves generally useful.” The appeal of the two Generals with “ characters” (no playing whist until 2 .™. at the Senior or putting into the Derby Sweep at the Junior United Service more than they can afford, but real ‘‘ good characters! ”’) is quite pathetic. The aged soldiers, who no doubt have fought and bled on many a well-contested field, are anxious to come “* together,” or should eruel fate otherwise decree (stout, brave hearts !) ‘‘ separate. No doubt they would like to serve shoulder to shoulder, side by side say as cook and house parlour-maid, or nurse and under-nurse But business is business, and should there be only one vacancy, they will dry their eyes, wipe the tears from their h moustaches, and te.” Btrange to say, theidea of Lord Narren of MaoDaLa is not entirely original, but merely an adaptation from Mr. Perrs In his Diary for the year 1665, just two hundred and thirty years ago (this calculation deserves a prize for arithmetic!) the then Secretary to the Admiralty wrote :— “Tt might have been better for the King to have his hands tied a little than have such a crew about him, and be liable to satisfy the demands of everyone about him. But what! You shall see the captain turned a shoemaker, the lieutenant a baker, this a brewer, that a haberdasher, the common soldier a porter, every man in his apron and frock, as if he ” never done anything else, Bo the statis of ae the General of the past turns waking future, the Dircotor <. arlike Stores of yester- ve

the shoeblack day the Manager of Co-operative Grocery of to-morrow |

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142 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |Serrempgr 19, 1885, I rt Ayal \) hii i, “Hf ep VESTMENTS! (Our New Incumbent was disposed to be ‘* High,”) Younger Countryman. “‘I zay, GEARGE, WHAT WUR THAT PARSON HAD ACROST HIS Suouppers "Sunpay! ’LOOKED LIKE sOME 0’ HIS WIFR’s THINGS,” Elder Countryman, “‘’Ca-anT ZAY 'M ZHEWER. I HEERED UN ZAY A WuR ‘Sro.ze”’” Younger Cowntryman, *“Srove! Na, na; I wouLpn’ TSInK THAT O’ Parson! More LIKE SOME 0’ THESE "ERE NEW *ARVEST ‘Dior’ RATIONS |!” A SHOT IN THE DARK. Iw his evidence given before the Committee on Building and Repairing Ships, the late Director of Naval Construction; has not much encouraging news for those who are looking hopefully to some signs of progress in the Ordnance Department :— “‘ We may,” (says this candid official) “ design a ship for what we call a 40-ton gun. Wedo not know what a 40-ton gun is; we do not —! its charge; we do not know its projectile; we do not know its length ; we do not know ae en of recoil, although we have to take it up. All our ships are - for an unknown gun. knowledge that it will weigh about 40 tons, we know nothing, have to wait for years ai we do know.” This confession of absolute ignorance is not encouraging, yet, at the same time, there is a —_—_—_—_——_. ken rng about i that ron i to have it o such excellent authority, = all a my one arm of and purposes, working Ee peuieall bees = sien the other, and © Woah turning out a “ wal, has not the punetees Sa idea w Hal Sites rently vaguely constructed is When the latter emporium ie that all its ships oe Gnlgnel fr on for “sp pon om cad in fost, fa the of the Laureate, roundly says, concerning its own tone, - ** Behold, we know not anything!” it is high time that some one looked into the matter, and such appears to be the opinion of the late Director of Naval Co- struction himself. That “‘ we shall have to was qyere, oa a melancholy vein, ‘ore we do a mar, heweve, be doubted, in the face of recen sat to be laid do Ce eee eae Timin particulars. of theis Inte Director, it is to be expected that their own energy of caine Go meee to the task not only of taking the new up, but also to - Se themselves j ously its length, the amount o its charge, and even with the character of its projectile. “READY, AY oe, Tue Stenting ise of the German and Spanish aiftoutty, been going oy he round of Berlin,” deserves, so says the Correspondent of the Times, “to be mentioned,” and he furnishes it accord- ingly. Here it is :— *** Avez-vous recu des nouvelles des Carolina!’ inquired a member of the Telegraphic Conference the other evening of the Postmaster-General ats social gathering. ‘ Du tout,’ replied his Excel- leney Herr von STEPHAN with ready wit, ‘ Dw tout ; mais bien de nouvelles Carolines. Voila! essayons !’ as he offered his interlocutor a bor of the best Havannah brand, amid the applause of the bystanders.” of course, excellent, and the “4 and the applause of must have beet wit see the poe ree wy w literally convulsed with laughter at this brilliant and remarkable outburst of His enone. But what a pity that the humour imited in the matter of quantity! Eviden tly, Fell such a any launched off-hand—and the a as shows poten 9 ae ee ns Sod of oon” New (Srawisn) Version oF A¥ + ProveRs.—"* may be a Hold-fast is a better. ” ee Os cea TET TY OL OL eee FO ee) Cee eat... = DA eee MSPs a Ry Pomozs

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ReaSe reece ees jj fF eo 'r &-nea-otiae cerer-e"=43 oS *' & & or = & soouUcOoellUlUF Con... ee rs @@--" 22s F- = Se ee aS | Sgpremper 19, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 1434 INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 19. ou may Foremost stands WittIaM GILBERT ” smitingly, Of whose long scores the aheertng’* ArrenpD, all ye who love to see our noble Cricket ‘‘ cracks,” at them, their faces and their backs, Fin se another member in his neighbour, genial “‘ Buns, ogger C. I. THornnron, save by Bownor never beaten, Here ta And these are tak and those are bright, for merry men of muscle | Zhe 8 | Who spanked o’er the Pavilion when, a lad, he played for Eton, Are they who on our British sward have met in many a tussle. ; d Grace, he of the raven beard, | And can hit to the next parish when he fairly ‘ How many an English lad, if asked who would he choose to be Met Aur worthios, like » shot would answer—W. GP And him to wh: i low bending, gaily chats, THE END OF THE CRICKETING SEASON. ring” have never quantum suff. Captain smart, A FEW OF THE GENTLEMEN PLAYERS CAUGHT BY Our ARTisT AT LonD’s. They do not “‘ drive” as once he drove—for sixes. Cam’s great sons By British bowlers dreaded much, by British boys revered. | Lord! how the ground chortle at his hitting clean and tall ! For twenty years our Champion unchallenged, still he stands Brilliant O’Brren, Oxford’s joy, comes next, then Surrey’s crack, With boyish zeal and nerves of steel, b oulders, mighty hands. | The slim and my ay: clean of limb, and straight of back, that “ and hands that never * muff,” Who runs like RGE, and throws like Thor. Next stands his The dashing J. C. SxurER, who right well has played his part. Far to the right site A. G. aged ts ee he _ Alike of bat and to none save onl W. G. Pray who ishe? The great 1. D., erst brilliantest of bats. Second, the of , in style, as skill, A 1. Sit at the Oval or at Lords, and many an ancient talker, Close at his with curl my et te Lyrrietor, Will tell you of the wondrous feats lang syne of I. D, WaLxze, Behind the stumps unbeatable, free bat slashing field. Ex-Captain he of Middlesex. Behold, too, at his side Without sits A. - Lucas ; he to none afoot need yield His smart successor, A. J. Wxsse, aforetime Oxford’s pride. In mingled fire and finish, so correct and clean play, Vhilst close behind him, Lancashire’s great hero of the bat, All hope upon the tented field to see him many a day. : ria, as the Cockneys know him well a-field “* without ’is ’at !” Se Funes ys Ras ae ee a unto the million, The dashing A.N. Horwsy. With his hand upon his hip That joy of every , & Peep at the Pavilion ! nn tants. He Kent commands, an seldom a chance let’s Above his shoulder peers the face of W. W. Reap A Dawoxr vor Drwamrrens.—Mr. Parwett, at a banquet lately in watt of Surrey, piler up of soores right few succeed iven him, is said to have told his hearers that “ he it might Abaering. To C. W. Wrient, ex-Cantab crack, chats he be" pos for them to have a platform with only one plank, and Late them both behold tHe Strupp, Cambridge’s t C. T., the plank of national oe.” Tt is to be hoped that ‘none gate brilliant bat and bowler to Cricket alas! of them will, by their acts and , be finally brought to a platform _Sinee he to “ where Chineses ve” as preacher pleased to pass com: of more planks than one.

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4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FITZDOTTEREL: OR, T’OTHER AND WHICH P (By the Earl oj L-tt-n.) ** Supposing I was you, Supposing you was me, And supposing we both was somebody else, I wanker obo we should be?” Cayto I1V.—MuppLEMENT. THERE is a legend—and a legend, told In verse, at length, fills up a lot of space.— Tis of a Little Went who, though old, Was active, and assiduous in the chase Of that great Magnet of Humanity—Gold. One Market Day she to the Market Place Set forth, at the best speed of her old legs, To sell,—and her commodity was eggs. But age, though active, is at times inclined To somnolence ino une. Our Dame, Half way to Market, felt she had a mind For forty winks. She was indeed to blame ; The King’s Highway was really not designed For ancient ‘‘ Happy Dossers.” All the same, Stretching herself upon the sloping sward, She slept ; some scholiasts even say she snored ! A passing Pedlar spied her prostrate form, As, covered by her long grey linsey gown, Beneath the hedge she slumbered snug and warm. The Pedlar’s name was Stour. An angry frown Showed his strict soul was stirred as with a storm Of indignation. Then he eat him down, Drew forth his scissors—— (Here we do the same, And snip out twenty stanzas trite and tame.) ‘* He cut her petticoats all round about Up to her knees.” So says the naive old story. ’Tis probable the Dame and Pedlar Stour A Sun Myth and a Mystic allegory Adumbrate. I can trace therein—— (No doubt ! But—snip!) A ballet-nymph in all her glory Shows skirts less brief than did our poor Dame Durden As home that Pedlar plodded with his burden. Knee-nipt by a North-Easter, she awoke, Knowing herself no whit. ‘‘ Jt is not I!” She shrieked. This strikes me as a subtle stroke Of poignant tragedy. Identity Must not be trifled with ; it is no joke To lose one’s self. That poor old Durden’s cry Sky-cleaving from beneath her cloak of camlet, Is awfuller than the wail of inky Hamlet. So found Firzporreret. He got mixed and jumbled, Like our old dame, beyond self-recognition, And, to mend matters, he and Hermann tumbled Down a crevasse together. Their position, When found, was puzzling. Doom’s dark voice had rumbled About them bodingly ; weird premonition Had dogged them close. And now the thing was ended, They found poor HeRMANN by a rope suspended. Brrvor had thrown it to his aid,—it coiled, Serpent-like, round his throat. The hand of Fate May not be dodged, nor Doom’s decrees be foiled ! Down, down they flew; FirzpoTrEeREL’s very weight His friend’s last slender chance of safety spoiled. Slang o’er a peak thev found them, all too late, Suspended, BrEvor by his waist, and Hermann By his snapt neck. Poor rash, rough-tempered German ! This for the local press was food most dear, And thus ’twas summed :—"* We hear, with deep regret, The dreadful death of a young English Peer, One Lord Frrzporrere.” (Full details, you bet, Here follow.) ‘“* His companion, mere small beer Of Teuton tap, it seems, is living yet : Though—having interviewed his De tire We fear no case of smash could well be worse,” Ah! poor Potonius-Epenwesiss! He read This ‘‘par.’’ some three months later. shouted, ** Wondrous is Fate— and Science! Brrvor dead, And by a sus. per col.’ And I half doubted Heredity, my life-long hobby, led By love, which theory and experience flouted ! Awful! Delightful!!” Here he tore his hair. A Savant’s triumph, and a Sire’s despair, ** Heavens!” he Mixed, make a queer emotional salad. Mized ? All Life, like Teas, is mixed, the black the green In varying proportions, which betwixt Kong-fu-tzee’s—( Scissors sharp through seventeen Stanzas on Souchong ') EpxLWEIss soon fixed To hunt up Hermann ; but Evangeline Had fewer rambles after her strayed lover Than EpeLwEiss in striving to recover Traces of PumpERNickeL. Souls are harried— In fiction—by Fatality ’s machination. Lost clues, long illnesses, missives miscarried, All sorts of cob-web fashioned complications, (Until of course they once get safely married) So few were else Romance’s “‘ situations ” ’T would puzzle e’en a poet, and a Tory, To fill two vols. octavo with this story. Those who have some experience in such things, Would be exceedingly surprised to hear, That the fortuitous angel without wings, Who nursed “‘ the comrade of the fated peer,” Was other than ‘‘ Lone Gretcnen.” Fate that brings Such miracles about, to our dull sphere, Would lend a charm beyond all contradiction, If it would not confine them all to fiction. Lone GretcHEN nursed him back—of course —to life, This—well the Little Woman, when she woke From wayside slumber, felt less mental strife As to her own identity. ’Tis no joke, Especially when one would woo a wife, To halt, like Burrpan’s oft-mentioned ‘* Moke,” Between two selves, as fogged as Lord Dundreary O’er finger-counting. Brxrvor grew quite weary Of asking ‘‘ Js it I?” and envied much The Little Woman her unerring dog, ‘Whose bark could put the question to the touch. So stumbled he in doubt’s Serbonian bog. Nosce teipsum? Nay, how could he clutch Comfort in that, as, lying like a log, He passed long weeks in a perpetual pother, Revolving Who is Which, and Which is T other ? **Oh, for some sweet, all-solving Strawberry mark!” He murmured, memories of Box and Cox Glimmering through his spirit’s mental dark. But no, the nigritude of Ancient Nox Environed still his spirit’s storm-tost bark. Meanwhile Lone Gretcuen, of the ochre locks, Watched, listened, and amidst his broken blether— *Cute Teuton maid !—*' put this and that together.” Lone GretcHEN was—well, lump all SHaxsprare’s ladies With Becky Sharp and a Mesmeric Medium, And you will have her. Proserprye in Hades, Or PsycaE in Beotia. (There is tedium In leagues of Lempriére, so—snip ') A maid is An oasis in Life’s flat, seedy, pal he, When she’s as fair, and what the calls ‘* fetchin’,” As that shrewd piece of saintliness, Lone GrETCHEN. At last her fever-phrenzied patient rallied, His wits still wandering, but his bones all whole ; Forth for a solitary stroll he sallied, And spied a huge pipe with a china bowl, . Behind which loomed some features vague, which tallied With some vague memories of his muddled soul. A rush—a cry—and on the sward lay scattered The smoker and his pipe to fragments shattered ! ** Donner und blitzen! Iam choked! Let go!” Sputtered a German voice as through a fog. ** FitzpoTrerReL, Keep your Pecker u Shrieked the Much Mazed One, falling like a log On Epetwetes’s shirt. “* At last I know Myself! You’re better than the Old Dame’s dog You dear old Sausage! Let me have a cry Heaven hath mercy on me! Iti I!!!” A Provers ror Piaycorrs (with Mr. Punch’s con Mr. Harris).—A vast amount of Human Nature can both before and behind the Curtain—at Drury Lane! ays be Worms.” @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders. rr7?" “Oh! Oh!” atulations to Morro ror Gaeenwicn. — ‘The early Boonp picks up D® ee be returned, unless sccompanie? [Seprempxr 19, 1885, | See es esos ee wenwmwee Sk _t —_— p~—

Page 15

— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Szrremese 19, 1885.

BEFORE HIS HONOUR Yn Equity.—(Before his Honour the PRIMARY JUDGE.) ENO v, HOGG. Another case of commercial piracy was disposed of by Sir WittiaM Manwive on Tuesday last. Mr. 8. P. Hoae, having been proved guilty of infringing the Trade-Mark of Mr. J. 0, Ewo, of Fruit Salt renown, was assessed in damages to the tune of £100. This is the third case of the kind that has been before the Court during the past few months. Ewo was the Plaintiff, and Davies & Co., of Goulburn, were the Defendants. The charge was that the Defendants had infringed the Trade-Mark of the Plaintiff in respect of his preparation known as Fruit Salt. The evidence disclosed the fact that the Plaintiff's bottles and labels had been closely imitated by the Defendants, and the Judge declared this imitation was the result of a deliberate intention to defraud. The defence was a practical admission of fraud, and the fact that it was set up is itself a sufficient justification for the sentence of the Judge. The Defendant pleaded that the term ‘‘ Fruit Salt” was applied to several other manufactures besides the one for which he was responsible, and that his commodity was so

THE ANTIPODES. SYDNEY, NEW SOUTH WALES. in the Court of Equity, THE PRIMARY JUDGE. dissimilar to that of the Plaintiff that there could have been no deception. Paraphrased, the former part of the plea says :—Other people do what I am accused of having done; therefore I ought not to be punished. Fortu- nately, that kind of reasoning has no weight in the Supreme Court. The latter part of the plea was contradicted by the production of packages of the Defendant's commodity. These did not exactly resemble the Plaintiff's preparations, but there were many points of similarity between the two. As the Judge remarked, ‘‘the imitation was not so palpable as in some other cases, yet it had gone as far as the imitator dared.” The suspicion is created that when the Defendant included the words “‘ Fruit Salt” in the name of the commodity which he manufactured for sale, his intention was to deceive. Frauds of the kind referred to are common, and the public of course suffer greatly thereby. The expressed determination of Sir WiLLUuM Mannine to severely punish every person who may be proved guilty before him of having committed such offences, will, however, have the effect of causing manufacturers whose Trade-Marks are being infringed to prosecute the pirates, and thus the evil, we may hope, will be made to cease,— Sydney Morning Herald, July 2.

HE SECRET OF SUCCESS.—“ A new invention is brought before by the unscrupulous, who, in copying the original closely enough to decei employed in an original channel, could not fail to secure reputation and profit.” imitation. Sold by all Chemists. » the Public, and commands success. A score of abominable imitations are immediately introduced ve the Public, and yet not so exactly as to infringe upon legal rights, exercise an ingenuity that, —ADAMS, CAUTION.—Examine each Bottle, and see the Capsule is marked “ ENO’S FRUIT SALT.” Without it, you have been imposed on by a worthless Directions in Siateen Languages, How to Prevent Disease, Prepared Only at ENO’S FRUIT SALT WORKS, HATCHAM, LONDON, S.E., by J. C. ENO’S PATENT,

PRIZE ‘MEDAL WHISKY of | the CORK DISTILLERIES CO,, LIMITED, §ix PRIZE MEDALS FOR First Prize Medal, bydney , 1879 ; Three Prise Medals, Cork, 188d. IRISH WHISKY. First Prize Medal, “VERY fine, full flavor and CARLTON HIGHLAND Ey WHISK ELEVEN YEARS bE Philadelphia, 1876 ; Gold Medal, Paris, 1676; Centennial exhib, wk | COLD MEA or ee te Don | “[JNQUESTIONABLY as fine | cussuor Pun aan tone ® specimen as one could wish to see.”— Jurors’ Award, Cork Exhibition, 1883. THIs FINE OLD IRISH = HI SKY may be had of the principal Wine and Spirit Dealers, and is supplied to whole- SILVER MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, LONDON, 18664. HEERING’S ONLY GENUINE COPENHAGEN RICHD. MATHEWS & CO., 92 and 94, Albany Street, London, N.W. BOTTLING 8STORES— Brooussunt Mawstow, Haar Sreerr, W.C Agents for Indla—CUTLER, PALMER, & & 0.

sale merchants in casks and cases by HE ‘CORK DISTILLERIES | i mr mos | LEA & PERRINS SAUCE. In consequence of Imitations of LEA & PERRINS' SAt which are calculated to deceive the Pub SeoOSeaters beg todraw attention to the fa etth ch bottle of the Original and ( WORCESTERSHIRE ee ur Signature, thus—

Est. 1818 Gold Medals, Paris, 1878. . $ Prize Medals Cc H ERRY London, 1884 2 LVF Ht PETER F. HEERING, Praveron ay Arrotnt- BRANDY. —<——? MENTS TO THe Rovat Damien ano Iurentat Ressiax * Bold Wholesale by the pe priatem, Wi — Counts, ax H.K.H. rue Parnce oF Wates. acess @ Bes cxwet, London ; and Exp hy general Retail by Dealers in Saux AT. * throughout the W«

\ Tikheel DOUBLE-AGT ACTION | cures emg Ny rt ammmeines ARMY REVOLVER, In oe to va i re Effect in we rt AL We ours SINGLE-ACTION ARMY REVOLVER, «* adopted by the United States Government COLTS “FRONTIER” PISTOL takes the Colt and Winchester Magazine Kifle cartridge, 44 cai | TIC, FACEACHE, NEURALGIA, } and TOOTHACHE. “Safe, Certain, Speedy, Pieasant—the paradise of

all Speeifics,""—Vide a grateful Journalist. COLT’s HOUSE ‘REVOLVER, POCKET REVOLVER, sar To bring this valuable remedy within | $9 ERINCES, Rh ew bat aealis the reach of all classes, Tixuex, ig now | coLTs DOUBLE BARRELLED SHOT GUNS and put up in bottles at ls. 14d, Of all Chemists, | MAGAZINE a ~~ tor India and the Colonies ae List free or post free for 14)d, from COLT’s PIRBARMS Co. M4, Pal! Mall, London,8. W. CLARKE, BLEASDALE, BELL & CO., YORE. The 2. 64, size as usual. | The Ouily Cold Medal, 1894 THEBESTFOOD aels | NFANTS SAVOR ORE. LONDO! & OF ee ke EVERYWHERE

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Page 16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Sepreuezr 19, 1885. ; REDNESS, ROUGHNESS AND CHAPPING PR roan Attn as we Peer TTT Terre a wer 7 VUVVVVVVT TTT TTT TTT Tee Te TTT eww (\OMP EXION FEV TTT TT eee eee eee eee TTT eee ee SS >= = oe ee soft skin. Without them the handsomest and most regular features are but coldly impressive, whilst with them the plainest become attractive; and yet there is no advantage so easily secured. The regular use of a properly prepared Soap is one of the chief means; but the Public have not the requisite knowledge of the manufacture of Soap to guide them to a proper selection, so a pretty box, a pretty colour, or an agreeable perfume too frequently outweighs the more important consideration, viz :— the composition of the Soap itself, and thus many a good complexion is marred which would be enhanced by proper care. [a adds so much to personal attractions as a bright, clear complexion, and a $$44646066664646446446464444464444 4444444444445 4555455+4 a i i i i i i hh i i hh i lhl Sl i hh il = y, . DAbbbbbhhbbbpbpbpbppphpppph : A MOST EMINENT AUTHORITY ON THE SKIN, 4 . | Prof: Erasmus Wilson: > Writes in the Fournal of Cutaneous Medicine : is es use of a good Soap is certainly calculated to preserve PUTT e FAAN SPA MEE AP ZABLET. Z z “the skin in health, to maintain its complexion “and tone, and prevent its falling into wrinkles $ “ ,... PEARS is a name engraven on the 3 “ memory of the ‘ oldest inhabitant’; and PEARS’ SOAP 3 “is an article of the nicest and most careful manufacture, and ‘ “one of the most refreshing and agreeable of balms for $ “the skin.” } 000000 « +04 soos sresecocesooos $0000000000000000006 soeseeeoeees + WT is absolutely pure, free from excess of alkali (soda) contains no colouring ; ; matter, is delightfully perfumed, exceedingly durable, has been in go repute nearly one hundred years, and obtained Prize Medals 1851, 1862, | 1867, 1875, 1876, 1878 and 1879. : hose skin is deli itive to chang ! . . , : Ps persons whose aki ie dlcter sensing octaves nthe |! Testimonial from TYadame Adelina Patt. eee were PEARS’ transparent SOAP ‘ is invaluable, as, Ss account be its emollient, non-irritant | HAVE found Pears’ Soap matchless for character, Redness, Roughness and Chapping are prevented, “th -o by aml a clear appearance and soft velvety condition ced and a good, the Hands and Comp lexion. healthful and attractive complexion ensured. Its agreeable and lasting perfume, beautiful appearance, and soothing properties, commend Adelina Patti. it as the greatest luxury and most elegant adjunct to the toilet. FOR THE TOILET AND NURSERY. PEARS 2 tuswat? SOAP ‘>, TABLETS and BALLS, 1s. Eacu. Larcer Sizes, 1g. Gd. and 2s. 6d. A. & R, PEARS, (The 2s. 6d. Tablet is perfumed with Otto of Roses). A smaller Tablet (unscented) is sold at 6d, ; Soy iy Soap pakers by Appointment to .iR.b. Che WPrince of Tiales. AAA pdb ie i ee ied PURE, FRAGRANT AND DURABLE—NO ARTIFICIAL‘ COLOURING. “HLSVAA ON—AAAVM V AO SSAUNNIHL BAHL OL Gasn ad AVW ~wwrrrtTtTTTT TT co = ;o > = co i. =) = i) aa — = x oo © a LONDON, W.C. Manufactory : |LEWORTH. ¢ : Pex SOAP is sold everywhere, but INSIST on having PEARS’ as vilely-injurious imitations are often substituted for extra in, even by dealers who would be thought “ respectable,” some of whom attract rede mg into their shops or stores by marking EARS’ SOAP az less than cost price, and recommend some rubbish on which they get a large profit. + Anat Ah fe Ch Samninn Band Weltamne te Cha este af ~=~ _Talimatnn tm th