Punch 1885-08-01: Vol 89 Iss 2299

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —Aveusr 1, 1885.

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om Wt ita Pine S| co CO YF it i i Aveust 1, 1885.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49 TIPS! TIPS! TIPS! (More of “ the Ring and the Book.” By Our Specially-engaged Sportsman. ) Str,—* Odds, my life!” as the Book-makers used to say in the last century, but [ may refer your readers to my letter last week with the confidence of a man who knows what he is writing about, and who has by this time earned the gratitude of the astute Sportsmen who, seeing what I meant about the Leicestershire Cup, cleverly avoided the Duke of Richmond, and backed Corunna, The Jockey was Wati—a regular Brick Wall. Let the weakest go to the Wall for advice in the future, and if he’s up to his Thursday form, the Brick-layers may back him at long hods. HARTINGTON was immensely pleased. Well, ‘“‘’tis a Hart-rneron that never re- joices!” And now for Goodwood. “* Off, off! cried the Stranger ;” but I forget on what oe¢casion the Stranger cried off. It might have been applied to Goodwood this year, and would have meant that, as there were fewer than ten accept- ances for the Goodwood Stakes, the race became void, and all bets were off. This is the first time such a : thing has happened in the history of Goodwood, and is one of the greatest miss-stakes of modern racing times. It must not occur again. Ere this letter appears, the first. day’s racing will be over at Good- wood. How about the second day? I do not intend to be too minute about the second, but still have a word or two to say for the benefit not of those who run horses, but who read leaders. For the Stewards’ Cup 1 can only say that if Lord Hartrxerton doesn’t have it for his side- board, it will be because the horse which has so suddenly Bloss-omed into a winner may be full blown before he reaches the post, and will have yielded his place to those who shall have earned a right to occupy it. Sweetbread is one of the entrées, and Hermitage doesn’t go badly with this dish. If I am told that all the horses down in the list will come up to their several owners’ expectations, I reply, ‘‘ Sir, you are a romancer; but there is such a thing as winning by a Neck- romancer.” In some cases it’s neck or nothing. ‘‘ Brag’s a good dog,” and you will see whether this applies to him asa horse. Much depends on the weather, the state of the bellows, and the riding; so, a propos of Brag, let us sing, Shakspearianly, ‘‘ Hayhoe, the wind and the rein!” Talking of singing, Lord Capocan may strike up “‘ They ’ve none got a Mate but me!” and, as an Irish Friend of mine observed, “There ’s more than may mate the eye in that horse.” A good deal of fine work about Laceman. Honiton soit qui mal y pense, and I recommend my readers to keep a wary eye on his Hopperations. How easily Laceman may be turned into Placeman anyone who minds his *‘ p’s and q’s”’ (and, after this, no one can x q’s himself for not minding his p’s) will see. Many a true word ’s uttered in jest, and, if the jest is bad, why, as the man who would make a pun would ick a pocket, ‘‘jest send,” says my Irish Friend again, ‘for a "laceman.” Omens strike some people forcibly. When you are training to Goodwood, look out for a Porter, and, if he’s a half- and-half chap, be cautious how you deal with the Duke of Richmond (there’s only one Richmond in the field, mind), and, when you alight, ask about Luminary, and you may get a perfect Blaise. No Time like the Present Times, though, of course—that is, of race-course—it will be not unwise to make an exception in favour of Wild Thyme. Mind, Wild Thyme grows. When you want some- thing to suit, give a look round at the Tarrors’. If tired, go to Bed-ouin, which rhymes with WILLIE Epovurn, the eccentric Comedian, and this is but another way of spelling Ed-win. A cockney who may his money but retain his “ h’s,” might read this Hed-win. But this may or may not be. Whatever your luck may have been hitherto, let ‘‘ Nil Desperandum” be your motto when you’re near Despair. Look out! Two for her heels! But Nil Desp. would have been a fine motto for the seuttling policy in E ;."* Despairing of the Nile.” However, I am a sportsman first and a politician afterwards. For the rest of the field I can only say, and those who know me know that I mean what I say and say as much as I mean, that is, when I’ve said all I mean, keep your Bright Eye and your Dart- mouth open, think of Childhood’s happy days before a White-lock , and you went to school with a Satchel which you dis- Some features of a Race Meeting, and two remarkably straight tips. carded in the holidays, when you were taken to see a spectacle at the Theatre near old Hungerford Bridge, entitled Hobson's Choice ; or, The King of the Furies, the principal characters being Albert Melville, Adelina, who, a8 a Pearl Diva, sang a aay, hows Oyster Patti, & mysterious Domino, an Eastern Emperor, who was always after an Oriental irl, who, as she would have nothing to was mistaken for a Crosspatch, and repulsed him with an Energy which might have, in old times, di ished a Highland Chief, and in modern times would have distinguished the plucky Commander of the Condor. It will not do for me to pretend to absolute certainty as a tipster, or I might be inclined to be frank with you about Sir Francis. Do you know the river Stour? Well, you may not set the Thames on fire, but can you find a match for a Stour-wick ? To return to omens. Going into a reading-room, a friend of mine the other day tripped over some cocoa-fibre matting, but as he was out for a it didn’t matter. What did he im? “ Ha! matting !”’ Is this anything resembling Harmattan ? siising down to | he was disappointed in not seeing beef, and out, ‘Ha! mutton!” What does this portend? He kicked the black-and-tan terrier, accidentally, as he explained, because not on any account would he Harm-a-tan. may be coincidences: I give them for what they are worth. Hot weather! Do you wish you were on the Boulevard? or down on the Royal Fern, in the sh Glen Albyn, going in a bueket to the Lang-well, which is as on it’s lang, and I’m as deep as that is. Do I say leave well alone? Give me a quiet dinner at poze! Hampton, and let 8 provide the saddle for the party, and after the meal we shall all be Fud-men. Yours ever, The Cell, Bye Lane, Betfortowunshire. Peeper THE HeRmir. say to hi Where ’s Lindley Murray, M.P.? Amone the Clauses to be proposed in Committee on the Criminal Law Amendment Bill, appeared the following paragraph, the com- position of Mr. Samvxt Smiru, M.P. for Liverpool :— ‘* A justice of the if satisfied by information laid before him that there was no reasonable cause to believe in such unlawful detention of the girl, and that such persons acted wantonly and without bond interest in the girl, may be liable to be fined not more than forty ings, or im- prisoned for any term not exceeding fourteen days.”’ Poor Justice of the Peace! Rather hard on him. must have a spite against Magistrates. Sammy SmitTH GOODWOOD STAKES. (Cooked by Dumb-Crambo Junior.) Stew’ ards. “OL. LXXXIX,

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50 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. {Aveusr 1, 1885, , \l AN | { \' THE WHITE-BAIT SEASON. Rustical Maiden Aunt (who is unacquainted with this ‘‘ delicacy of the Season”). ‘*N-no, THANK You! No S8’Rimps, THANK you!!” QUITE NEW AND ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. Dgaz Ma. Nress, As I know you take an interest in theatrical matters, will you allow me to tell you of a curious coincidence I have recently discovered? Thank you. Then here goes. 1 remember seeing somewhere, very many years ago, a play the central idea of which was a fraud committed by two persons upon a Baronet who had left in their custody his son by a secret marriage. In this old piece the agent of the Baronet—his Solicitor—had jm the boy to school, receiving for his maintenance a large annual wance. d in this ancient comedy the Baronet suddenly turned up, to ask for his until-then-discarded child, to have palmed off upon him an im r substituted for the real Simon Pure by the agent, who had duly received the pay frem his principal, without informing that easy-going individual that the boy for whose support the money had been contributed had long since run away. ing Cousin Johnny the other evening at the Strand, I was reminded of this old comedy, as the plot of both pieces appeared to be the same. But I liked the original comedy at the Strand far better than the original comedy at the Haymarket,—I am almost sure the piece I recollect was played at the Haymarket,—because it was much simpler in construction. Instead of a solicitor and a schoolmaster imposing upon the Baronet as in the original, at the Strand it is a husband (a man who had been the Baronet’s servant) and his wife who commit the fraud. In the Old Haymarket the changeling was a lad picked out of the streets, who had been a doctor’s boy, a lawyer’s clerk, and an omnibus conductor ; at the New Strand the changeling is a barman, and the son of what I may _the Baronet’s fraudulent trustees. In both pieces the impostor hero is an innocent party, ignorant of the fraud cxmiibel upon the Baronet, whom he verily believes to be really and truly his parent. As I sat enjoying the quaint eccentricities of Mr. J. 8. Crarxe as Johnny, I could not hel oe meng Bj the different ing I had seen years ago, when a broad Comedian played Joe Wadd—ah, to be sure, Joe Wadd at the old Haymarket was the counterpart of the hero of the comedy (described in the bills™as ‘‘new and original ”)'at’the’Strand. | thought, too, how great an improvement had been effected at the Strand in making the true son of the Baronet (who is recognised in both pieces in Act ITI.) the Baro. net’s Private Secretary, instead of a Lieutenant of the ship that had brought the Baronet over from India with his niece, as he to be at the Haymarket. It a to me more natural that the rightful heir should fall in love with his unknown Cousin in that capacity than merely as a sailor. Besides, the Private Secretaryship accounted for the heir’s nee in attendance upon the Baronet ; while at the Haymarket the meetings between the cousins had to be of a more or less clandestine charac- ter. But the Strand version has this drawback, the young lady, Florence Courtney, requires a mother to chaperone her. At the Haymarket Alice Leslie, havi no avowed admirer, could be an orphan, without ma encumbrances. Yet it is only fair to say that, by the introduction of the General’s sister, the unpleasant idea ci the Baronet wishing to sacrifice his son’s and niece’s happiness by a forced the young lady’s Mamma (omitted at the a match at the Strand. who supports t disappears, and it is aymarket) As I looked on at the Strand, the dear old times came back to me, and I jotted down my memories side by side ‘| with the modern fancies. Here is a copy of the leaf f my note-book :— Haymarket ‘* Original.” Joe, avulgarian, is palmed /\ off upon Sir William Mel- , | ville (a Baronet who has been secretly married when a Captain in the Army) by the Baronet’s agent, who has lost the original, and who fears punishment for having petted the money sent to him by Sir Wiliam for that original’s mainten- ance, Sir William wishes his son to marry his niece. Joe refuses to marry Alice, because he is in love with Penelope, a servant in the house of Sir William’s agent. Alice is in love with Henry Melville, who is known as Jacob Brown. Sir William’s agent in Act ILI. repents and con- fesses the fraud, and Henry Melville is acknowledged and betrothed to his cousin, the girl of his heart. rom Strand ‘* New and Original,” Johnny, a vulgarian, is palmed off upon Sir Geor, Desmond (a Baronet, who has been secretly married when a Captain in the Army) by e Baronet’s agent, who has lost the original, and who _ fears punishment for having pocketed the money sent to him by Sir George for that original’s maintenance. Sir George wishes his son to his ni marry his niece. Johnny refuses to marry Florence, because he is in love with Tilly, a servant in the house of Sir George's agent. Florence is in love with John Desmond, who is known as Hugh Seymour. Sir George’s agent in Act III. repents and con- fesses the fraud, and John Desmond is acknowledged and betrothed to his cousin, the girl of his heart. Joe marries Penelope,and Johnny marries Tilly, and all ends happily. all ends happily. In both pieces the Baronet is disgusted at the vul- garity of Joe-Johnny. In both pieces Joe-Johnny is naturally a good-hearted fellow, who, from first to last, has the sympathies of the audience wi m. At the Haymarket there was an underplot, no doubt invented to introduce the various other members of the old com- pany. This under-plot dealt with female impostors, and an attempt to get up a breach of promise of marriage case—there is something of the sort, but very much shorter and less elaborate, at the Strand. The acting in the new and original comedy is very good all round. Mr. J. 8. CLARKE, as Joe-Johnny, could not be better ; he is ee oe the most original inci- dent of the piece ; and it is delightful to see Miss Burrox as Lady Courtney. Then as Florence, pretty, intelli- gent Miss Lucy Bucxstronse—— Stay—Bucxstone! Why, to be sure! Why did I not think of it before? And. I wonder if Mr. Crarke thought of it before! Did he suggest this excellent and novel idea to the new ‘and original collaborators? Well, Sir, any- how, Bucxstonz was the Joe of the original comedy. Mr. Rocers the Baronet, Mr. W. Fanren the rightful heir, Mrs. Frrzwiti1am Penelope, and Messrs. CHIPPEN- DALE and Compton the fraudulent trustees. To be sure! And, now I come to think of it, the old piece I have been describing was from the pen of Stertmne CorNE | . |

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Avaus 1, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 51 t = YY. yy Yi 4 “a \ eae oo “START” AND “ FINISH.” Lord Rosebery (the retiring), “‘ Just corse Raocrne, Siz, as I’m LEAVING oFF? WisH your Royat Hicuwess Luck!” H.R H, “‘Taanr’ys, Tae Nostz Racenors# was ALWAYS A LITTLE Hossy oy Ming. Runes in THE Fawmity,” —of course there used to be an old joke about Sterling Coin, and not| ‘* Tae Row across THE CHANNEL.”—Many persons who saw this imitation—it was called The Hope of the Family, and was first pees about last Saturday, thought the recent pan p* meso rerformed at the Theatre Royal, Haymarket, on Saturday, the 3rdof Park between two noble Sportsmen had ended in pisto re) two on Calais sands. Others imagined that it was another French de 9 a Faithfally yours, revolution. It was the news of the Oxford Eight having rowed across P.—The Ceit Tae Sort Man witt tae Lonc MEMORY. | the Channel, on a calm day, so there was nothing to make a row about, delighted e Critic of the Telegraph the Strand Management are so : elig with his opinion, that they give it daily advertisement)| Fancy our dear old Lady’s horror when she heard that last week, ciscests, that Cousin Johnny is a return to “honest English at Lord's, a Cricketer had bowled a Maiden over. ‘“* Poor thing! omedy.” Artful this of the canny Scorr. It isareturn! Deary exclaimed Mrs. R. ‘I hope she was picked up again quickly, and me, to thirty years ago! wasn’t much hurt.”

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| | | | moustache. | tearing up bits of paper, and in OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. fAvucust 1, 1885, e \ Pin irs . Vip | py) S iP ih Y Hy: We i A ie Uy ——_———_ , = i) ] *SACKLY LIKE! [The Zimes, in an article on the acoustic properties of the House of Commons, said :—‘‘ When crowded, it is like speaking in a barn full of sacks.’’) aS ectin (ey I\y ‘ Gy hfe | f 4, NY ALi, yyciieLamaala AYR) ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Lords, Monday, July 20.—AsHsovurnnr down to-day, intending to make maiden speech on moving Second Reading of Irish Land Purchase Bill. Spencer also with speech ready. is to be debate of the evening. But other matters intervene. Bill not reached till Quarter to Eight. Time to be off to dress for dinner. Bill urgent ; time short. People would say things if Lords adjourn without dealing with Bill; and yet if debate opened, what about dinner? Happy thought occurred to ASHBOURNE. ‘‘Let’s pass Second Reading without debate, and make our speeches on next stage. Then neither Bill nor dinner will be damaged.” House jumped at suggestion; Second Reading taken at a gallop, and all over by Quarter past Ei, ht. ‘* RANDOLPH ’S quite right,” said the Markiss. “ There’s nothing like the introduction of new blood. No one would have thought of this only for ASHBOURNE.” In the House of Commons, matters going a little awry. Ministers on Treasury Bench practically boyetied by supporters. Bracu tries to put bold face on affairs, but his moments of depression. ‘* Never was fellow so unlucky as I,” he says, after alternately trying what comfort there may be in Georcre Hamrzton’s habit of i LPH’s ferocious fondling of his ‘*Haven’t conquered the unpleasant feeling about my deserting Norrucore at a critical moment before J tumble into this business of the Land-Leaguers. Thought, after I’d thrown over Norrnoore, House wouldn’t mind my giving up Spencer. Seems it does, and what’s worse, it’s our own fellows who’re turning up rusty. Used to talk about late Government being ‘ humiliated!’ Good word, but isn’t strong enough for our fellows to apply to us after Friday night’s business. Do everything for the A but everything seems to go wrong. Wish I was back on bench opposite with Norracore by my side. Don’t mind the abuse of the enemy. | What's hard to bear is the contempt of your friends.” | so, Anruur O'Connor makes several speec Still there are consolations. Irish votes on to-night; postponed day after day in anticipation of a row. But Parnellites honourably keep their share of bargain. True, Windbag Sexton has an hour or , CoRBETT treats with | some detail of the history, prospects, and domestic economy of the | embarrassed by blandishments Drumdrum Criminal Lunatie Asylum, and the brothers Repmonp rave. But JosepH GrLxis opens his long arms to Her Majesty’s Government and clasps Hart Dyxe to his tender breast. (This in a parliamentary sense, of course.) Pleasing to Jory B. in this benevolent frame of mind: more striking even than Windbag Sexton’s beautiful allegory of the “‘ political sky in Ireland almost obscured with showers of white oar Harzt Dyxe a little Jory, but doggedly repeats his formula. ‘* Doesn't care what happens, whether his personal reputation grows or diminishes. All he thi of is welfare of Ireland!’ Business done.—Irish Estimates voted with both hands. Tuesday.—Always watch with interest the growth of practice of introducing dégiieens in House of Commons. Lyon PLayrar one of the first itioners, with his pots of oleomargarine, an his specimens of butterine. Then came FarquHarson, with a cal- cined cow, conveniently carried in waistcoat Next, Broap- HURST prod masons’ tool-chest, and described its contents to oe Se. = — night CAMERON, Sapouning — ce delinquencies, own a -gifted p, for which there was no oil, on which would not a candle. Now Onstow brings in a copy of illustrated broadsheet, and, as Truthful J 7 puts it, “‘ chucks hy: at — head of = Home Secretary.” ‘Have you seen it?” OnsLow grow immediately behind the hapless Home Secretary. No ahewers Then here you are!” and the champion of the Trade thrusts the paper in “Gases chenaiis'Uandiecing. Siusa Gib conte sliliate haking his ROSS 8 , shuddering, from the con ys head in deprecation of this treatment of Her Majesty’s principal Secretary of State. OnsLow’s manners —_ to occasion. the paper over Cross’s shoulder. Cross makes Sseaete attempt to look as if it wasn’t there. Bxzacu takes it up finger and thumb, and hands it back. Onstow returns it, and the CHaNncELLon oF THE ExcuEquer, amid manifest ons of interest on part of CAVENDISH BENTINCK, throws it under the table. ** Keep 5 A eye on CaverpisH Bentince,” Witrr~ip Lawson whispers—‘‘ be accidentally ing about the table presently ; will observe with surprise’a F wit! pictures init under the table, and will innocently walk off with it.’ A pretty scene this; fairly indicates present relations between Government and their supporters. Bzacn has a particularly bad time of it; chaffed by Members opposite, and ha illustrated pepers and worse things thrown at him from his friends behind. “It’s rather disheartening,” said Jonn Manwers, looking round the jeering crowd before him and the angry faces be . f° through weeks of the Session, and no one to ery ‘ God bless you!’ Wednesday Morning.—Things going from bad to worse. C. 8. Reap, Lewis, Lowruer, Pert, Tarsor, all stout Conservatives, bewailing discredit brought upon Party by action of Leaders. At Two o’Clock this morning Bracu, after gallant effort to keep his temper, momentarily lost it. Fell, tooth and nail, upon Members on Front Bench opposite, and snappishly announced that, whatever happened, the Bill (Medical Relief) should go through ittee. Haxcovurt, nothing loth, accepted this invitation to a row. Ran- DOLPH, with a joyous whoop, joins, and yegules slanging match begins ; finally ends with the Government, ai by the Parnellites, narrowly escaping defeat. Business done.—Medical Relief Bill passed through Committee. Wednesday Afternoon.—Came upon Grand Cross this afternoon, peeping in at the House from behind the SpgaKER’s chair. “Walk in! Walk in!” I said with that ready and unforced humour peculiar to me in the Dog Days. ‘‘ There’s nothing to pay. What are you looking so anxious about ?” ** Ah! is that you, Topsy?” said the Home Secreraky, starting. oa in an a

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Avoust 1, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53 ‘Thought it was Onstow. Seen him about anywhere to-day? Did he look as if he had an illustrated paper in his et ? “Really, very annoying to have a man going on es OnsLow does, leaning over Secretary of State, and ruhbing his rose with an obnoxious news- paper. Never had to put up with this kind of thing before. Don’t mean to stand it now.” “Then you’d better go in, put a bold face on it, and let Onstow know you’re not to be trifled with ” “You're right, Tosr; I'll do it.” And he did it as far as appearance went, putting on severe magisterial air, though shrinking a little when he discovered Ows- Low in his place, and eare- fully selecting seat out of arm’s length. ‘“* Let him rub somebody else’s nose with his news- papers,” he muttered de- fiantly. ‘*There’s Ran- potPH. Let him try him.” Onstow hadn’t brought another newspaper with him, but repeated his ques- tion of former day as to intention of Home SxcrE- TARY with respect to sale of certain prints in the street. Grand Cross, with wholesome apprehension of a possible newspaper, returned careful answer, which said nothing particular, but sounded well. OnsLow, after momentary hesitation, deferred further personal application of the newspaper, and Grand Cross took the earliest opportunity of leaving the | nage | Bench. Business done.—One or two Irish Votes agreed to. Thursday Night.—Letter from Captain Gosser announcing his retirement from office of Sergeant-at-Arms, held for fifty years. Sir THomas May could scarcely control his emotion as he read the letter. Harcourt openly wept, whilst JoszpH GrLwis, producing a bandana of vast proportions and mixed colours, suspiciously hid his face, _ ‘‘Many’s the time he’s walked me out,” said Jozy B., with snufile that did credit to his emotionable temperament. ‘‘ Couldn’t say at the moment how many times I’ve been suspended, but never Very Cross. = 2 ESTIMONIAL m Caer Gossel MM Ses 7 3 | . PU ne 4 ME T Mr. Punch, ‘‘1 feel that in losing Mr. Gosser we are losing not merely an invaluable pictorial servant and a rare model of a Sergeant-at-Arms, but also a val personal friend. Tony, let us drink to the health and a of the Sergeant-at-Arms with three times three.”’ oby. ** And a littleone in! The Sergeant's health! ’’ [ They drink. received anything but courtesy from Gosset. Fancy I can hear his voice now. ‘JosEPH GILLIS,’ says he, laying his hand on “y shoulder, ‘the SPEAKER ’s ordered you out, and out you go by croo: or by hook, by crop or by neck. Come along quietly, for the love of Heaven, or, as sure as you’re sitting there, 1’ll ran you through with my sword!’ h! there ’s w the niceness of the man came out. His way was so winning ; and his sword so handy, that I always went with him without maki any fuss.” PARNELL publicly bore testimony to the esteem in which the good Gosset is by Irish Members. So deeply moved, that he actuall attempted to make a joke with sly hit at the lack of amiability an almost entire absence of humour which distinguishes his following. Catan took the jibe seriously, and loudly cheered. Business done. rnment defeated on Medical Relief Bill by majority of 50. Friday.—An evening of mixed excitement, and varied interest. Supposed to have met to pass Supply. ‘ore reaching business, ©’ Barew danced upon an Irish landlord; Barciay of Procu- rators Fiscal; SamugL Smiru delivered entrancing lecture on Bi- metalism (* His great ather Apam’s remarks on the Wealth of Nations quite dull after this,” said Hanr Dyxx); Deasy on Earl Spencer’s criminal refusal to appoint Mr. Jouw 0’ Barren, T. C., Governor of the Cork Lunatic Asylum; Sexton on Perer O'Gara arrested for drunkenness, put in Sligo Police Barracks, and subse- quently found dead, while another man (who might have been Earl Spencer) was ‘‘ found sitting on the floor with his coat and waist- coat off ;” and Mottoy “ went for” Magistrates of King’s County. Business done.—Some Votes in Supply. A ROYAL WEDDING. Princess Beatrice married to Prince Henry of Battenburg, July 23, 1885. Happy the bride on whom so bright- ly shines Our English sun, with light from loyal lines Of honest En- glish faces, princely hus- band’s fond ex- ultant smile, Royal Mother's love,—all that our Isle Of best and bra- vest graces, Happy the bride! And happy may she be, The wife, whom Wight’s green isle, we trust, shall see For many and many a season ; England’s home-staying daughter, bride, yet bound As with silk ties, within the dear home-round By many a gentle reason. Reasons of heart, with which no rules of state Clash cruelly. Fair, filial, fond, elate Glad bride and daughter loyal, Where’er she flits may it be on love’s wing, mes | sure that in our hearts will ring welcoming right royal ! The Royal Ring-Doves. “THEY ’VE GOT NO WORK TO DO!” A Mr. Hacortan having written to Lord SALisnury, pressing on him the need of carrying out reforms in Armenia, ‘ in conformity with the 6lst Article of the Treaty of Berlin,” without being snubbed, other Correspondents will now jaca | feel encouraged to indite letters to the Prime Mryisren, setting forth the paramount and immediate necessity of, — 1. Devoting at least half a million of the Tax-payers’ money toa scientific investigation of the recent eruptions of Krakatoa. 2. Sending an Ultimatum to the Czax, reminding him of a sort of half-promise made twenty years aff not to attack Khiva. 3. Building twenty thousand of Railway to the Equator (also with Tax-payers’ money), to educate the illiterate Savage. 4. Erecting the largest telescope in the world (cost not to exceed that of one Ironclad) to discover the particular ‘‘ Manual of Political y” most in use in t Saturn. 5. Re-establishing “ Friendlies” all over the world in the “ status quo ante” —any amount of British promises and belief in the same. 6. Getting on in India without the Opium Revenue. 7. And finally— the fixed conviction of the Government that the time at arrived for (A) _— ; the Circle. (B) Suppressing Pauperism. (©) Abolishing ard Times, Over- crowding, Intemperance, and Crime and Misery generally.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 1, 1885. MUSIC AT HOME. (A Comic Song, in French, by Monsieur Patatras.) Mamma (sharply), “‘ Verna, WHY pon’r you Laven! CAN’T YOU SEE EVERYBODY ’s IN Fits?” Miss Vera. *‘He Stnes so Fast, Mamma! Mamma, ‘‘No more po I—NO MORE DOES ANYBODY. I DON’T UNDERSTAND A WORD HE sAys!” But YOU NEEDN'T SHOW IT, YOU SILLY CaILp!!” WITH THE STREAM. Bouncing “ Bow” loquitur:— Putt away! Yes! By Jove, it scarce needs pulling, So clear the course, so smoothly swift the stream. This is the loveliest bit of double-sculling. Obstruction? Adverse tide? All, all a dream! Aren't we just going it ? Boat slips along as though old Time were towing it. Knew we should do it, if we once got seated, And here we are at last, old boy, in clover. Perfectly lovely! Eh? What? Get defeated ? By whom? Why it’s a regular ‘‘ walk-over.” Croaking ’s blank folly. When everything ’s so wonderfully jolly. Those other fellows couldn’t pull together ; A regular scratch lot and stroked all wrong. Sir Luppocg’s ’Arries they, no ‘‘ time,” no ‘‘ feather.” But see how splendidly we slip along ! : * Row brothers, row!” Pile on, my Bracu, and put in all you know! Too fast already ? Well you are a duffer. ¥ Why, one — ines, Sastend wn it crack oar, ou were some a 0 er, Or novice who had ew yed we} before. Pull away, Hicks! We’re two young fliers, not two stiff old sticks ! What was the use of ‘‘ chucking” old Srarry, » 4 you, too, Gane chinker F Rogelar , Sir. 0 cking, cking spurty shan y- Holiday out! We'll give old Wee a teaser ‘ore we ’ve done ; But croaky carefulness will spoil our fun. Where are we going? With the stream, of course ! Eh? ‘Took our extra solemn double davy That we would stem it, whatsoe’er its force ? Pooh! We were then on shore. Why cry peccavi Before you have to? He’s a poor slave who conscience is a slave to. We ’ve dished them splendidly, the rival crew, ‘* Taken their water,” and got well ahead of them. Fouled them? Oh, do shut up, old croaker,do! Those declared winners need not mind what’s said of them By well-licked fellows, Who failed—as they did—from sheer lack of ‘‘ bellows.” It’s splendid going here, so swift, so easy. What’s that you’re muttering, facilis descensus ? Oh, hang old apophthegms, and don’t turn queasy ! unctiliousness in narrow sheepfolds pens us, And tame vm! Shelves us at last. Look at Lord Tiddyiddity ! IppesteIcn isit?. Ah! I’d quite forgotten. But Tweedledum or Tweedledee what matters it ? Mere ey as a stay proves rotten, The rough-and-tumble of the world soon shatters it. Don’t be a duffer, My dear Hicxs-Beacu, or Srarry’s fate you’ll suffer. What? A weir yonder? Oh! I’m a-weir of it. There! Better old Joe Millers than old saws. I do not stand especially in fear of it, Although they ’ve written ‘‘ Danger” near its jaws. From nettle ‘‘ Danger” We may pluck ‘‘ Safety.” Things have happened stranger. At any rate let ’s have our pull. It’s jolly To watch the bilious faces of our riv: Blow caution and consistency! Both folly! But if we have the luck to prove survivals, Yon rapids clearing, P We'll show ’em something new in stroke and steering.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Acersr 1, 1885. gh ett pat ‘ y: Foe label WITH THE STREAM.

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Aveost l, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 57

eI EP BP ae ee ddan a SP ew ww ae ae i » OVER-PRESSURE. “Dip you GO TO HEAR Mr. Groror’s LectrurE!” ‘‘No. Wao’s Mr. Grorce!” (Pause.) **Dip you GO TO HEAR JOACHIM !”’ . “No. Wuo's Joacatm?” (Pawse.) ‘*HAVE YOU HEARD S?, PAUL AT THE ALBERT HALL!” [Gives it up. . No. Wuo’s Sr. Pavi?”

General Alysses S. Grant. BORN, 27rm APRIL, 1822. DIED, 28mp JULY, 1886. Ger all the myriad leagues ef tae’ Nets Wer er e myriad leagues ew World Its desolating banner, when fierce hate And brother-sundering feud first shook the State, Two noble names shone chiefly, Lez and Gran. These twain, titanically militant, Shocked like conflicting avalanches. Now Peace, brooding o’er the land with placid brow, Sees the great fighters fallen. He at last, The calm, tenacious man, who seemed to cast i ks at Death, the stoic stern Whom long-drawn nee could not bend or turn, Lies prone, at , after such stress of grief As must have found the summons glad relief. An Iron Soldier! If, as foemen say Mixed with true metal much of earthly cloy Marred the heroic in him of full state, His land will not record him less than great, Who, in her hour of need, stood firm, and stayed The tide of dissolution. Unafraid The wae heart, the patriot muse, may vaunt The go service of ULysses Grant.

TO SOME DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS, Mar. Creswick, honourably associated so many years in theatrical —-) with Mr. SHerPHerp—they were the i ese twins, the inseparable “‘ Suxp- cx” —is going to take leave of the Stage. t he had retired altogether long ago, but are delighted to find the Cres-wick not snuffed out, but meg oy with all its former fire. But this is what we ave to suggest, and we suggest it to the Archiest of the CaMPBELLS, who will be only too to play in, or out of, Coombe Wood, and readily wood coombe to the assistance of the veteran tragedian. Are not ‘ The Pastoral Players” the very people to do their very, best for the man who, throughout his professional career, was always associated with a SuHerHeRD? Do this: help him by hook or by crook. What a beautiful real Snow Scene the Pastoral Players might have in the winter ! and why not a Snow Pantomime with a dance afterwards,—a Snow Ball to follow? But re 8 da nos tons, as CHARLES Lams said. N.B.—The Committee for the Creswick Benefit meets at the Lyceum Theatre, Thursday, July 30th, at 2°30 p.m.

QUITE ABOVE BOARD. Tue evidence elicited by the Select Committee appointed to inquire into the recent cies in the A ty Accounts, having very naturally created in the minds of the present officials some slight confusion as to the precise nature of the responsibility f alling u them each individually in the discharge of their respective duties, the ne See guidance of t at Whitehall : prelimi Secretary has Tue SECRETARY OF THE ADMIRALTY. ‘* Paper of Regulations” for the ady been issued by the Authorities _To obviste for the future any possible misconception as to the limits of the Secretary’s official right of interference either with the sanguine temperament of his Chief or the ive arithmetic of his Senate. be shal, in time of peace, endeavour to make things (1 ables ; (2) B tting locking Eatimates (3) B dinner +f game on your own responsibili me! ) By avoiding nasty questions that can only lead to disagree- a kieily and genial construction on suspicious- ; an pla saying to the First Lord, if ible, after a Eaytally ying irst Lo possi tant-General’s, ‘‘ You must play your own hit , youknow. Ha! ha! Don’t mind Bless you, I’m not watching you.” . e. time either of war, or of immediate preparation for it, then a more general latitude should mark the Secretary’s conduct and, to enable him efficiently to dispose of the, ve bably, em if ves to" him in the prob course of business, it comic Contractor, lems that will present themsel will be his duty to get hold of a thoroughly 0D | drop into the sly official humour it will be,

This personage, who should be able to imitate animals, and do amateur oe eins, the Secretary should at once button-hole, way of i 0 some to Government business, a few oat LS allael Cocina, Sarin, © with bs poing to Bt. Ives,” he uce the Aopeipaetel’ mater in hand, and above all things, neces- as, “If the Sosennans should gradually in maintain, with some such q two shillin As the for every hour a fad tm won't be able to answer this ore. not but as soon as his companion is fairly in Seated halfpenny and offer to toss him the at once

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58 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avcusr 1, 1885, A PROTEST. [A consignment of Cat-fish has been received here. } On, = not bring the Cat-fish ere : The Cat-fish is a name of fear, Oh, spare each stream and ng, The tat swift, the Wandle clear, The lake, the loch, the broad, the mere, From that detested thing! The Cat-fish is a hideous beast, A bottom-feeder that doth feast Upon unholy bait ; He’s no addition to your meal, He’srather richer than the ; And ranker than the Skate! His face is broad, and flat, and glum, He’s like some monstrous Miller’s-thumb, He ’s bearded like the pard ; Beholding him, the Grayling ee, TheTrout takerefugeinthesea, The Gudgeons go on guard ! He grows unto a startling size ; The British Matron ’twould surprise, And raise her Burning Blush, To see white Cat-fish, large as man, Through what the bards call “waters wan” Come with an ugly rush! They say the Cat-fish climbs the trees, And robs the roosts, and, down the breeze, Prolongs his caterwaul ; Ah, leave him in his Western Where Mississippi churns the mud, Don’t bring him here at all! ‘ He LEAVES ME OUT HERE IN THE COLD; By JINGO, IT ’s GOING TOO FAR. GiVEs NOTHING! O8, YES, A NICE OLD Sort or Liperat Party You arg!” NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC. WHeEnN our now world-re- nowned series of “ Exteriorsand with a key—with, in fact, a bunch of ke As, however, there may be some delay in their re-issue in book-form, we shall adopt on each occasion one of three courses,” i.¢., we may give the key with the pic- ture, or we may gi Pope in one number, and key subsequently in another; or we may choose to treat them from time to time as Pictorial Puzzles, and bestow a Prize Volume of the collected series on the competitor who scores the largest number of suc- cessful guesses. ‘TIS TRUE, ’TIS PATTI!” Last Saturday night Mme. Apetina Parti, after being complimented on her allowing nothing to fay a her from coming to fulfil her engage- ment at the Royal Italian Opera—(how very kind of her! ng oy Low A oH = at a pretty considerable figure too? or did she do it out of pure regard for Mr. MaPixEsoy and her love of singing ?)—was escorted to the Midland Hotel THE BITTER CRY OF THE PARLIAMENTARY CLARKE, | by 4 shouting mob, police, and torch-bearers. We are sorry to think that,’after giving and experiencing so much pleasure the gifted Songstress should have ‘‘ suffered torchers ! ” THE NEW SKOOL OF GILDHALL MUSIC, _Wett, the Copperashun’s a going it pretty well I thinks, con- sidring as its only jest from sudden death or a lingring consumtion from its resigned cy = Most Copperashuns and other Publick Bodies who had bilt the finest set of Markets in the hole world, and the finest day Skool in the hole world—were the boys carrys off all the biggest prizes in the hole world, that is to say they wood if they was strong enuff, but they gits so many on ’em as J ’re forced to have a cab to ’em ov to their appy omes— and the finest free Libery in the hole world—were they has such lots of Reeders that the werry Poplar Libraryun has to send lots on ’em away to the Brittish Mewsceum coz he ain’t got room enuff for ’em—wood have thort as they was now intitled to jest a little rest. But no, not them, for some bold Common Counselman having hinted at ~y ny ty of Music, sumboddy sed, ‘‘ Go to Bath!” and he went to , and then the {cen ee © 2 mie Se ror of a Alderman and says to him, “ let’s have a Skool of Music.” ‘‘ So we will,” says the rman, and so set to work. And now let us see how the littel idear growed to a werry big ’un. They fust took a house close by and opened it for a Skool of Musick and thort to have about 20 skollers. In about a year the Marster cums and says, “‘ this here Skool ain’t harf big enuff, for we’ve got 200 skollers insted of 20.” So they took another big house next to the other big house, and that went on for a littel time, and then the Hed Marster cums again and he says, says he, these two big houses 1 we ’ve got 2000 skollers insted of 200! Well, it a good deal to estonish the Copperashun, as I we well knos, but I’m told as this did estonish ’em jest a bit. An pl Ay TT OO Nags pg a plu Pp, a8 can a song like a Says, Says Want do? Why, bild a reglar Pallis as will hold the ” And they all sang in chorus, “‘ And when old Deputy Sxmuvriut said, ‘‘ How about } the expense ?” the imperial Alderman said, ‘‘ If there’s any bother ae, I’ll pay it myself.” So that little matter was soon settled. Then they made the plucky yung chap a Cheerman, and sent him to lay the fust stone of the new Skool on the Tems Imbankmeant, witch he did it last Wensday witha lovely reel silwer trowell as big as a spade, and tho the Lord Make coudn’t cum coz he was a bil a Horsepittle or summat of that sort elsewheres, he sent his love to the plueky Cheerman and lent him won of his Sherryffs and a Alderman or too and lots of ney and peeple to help him, so it must have bin quite a grand site on the Imbankment, witch I regrets as I didn’t see coz I wasn’t there, but was told by them as was, and then the all come back to dinner, and there I did see ’em in coarse, An werry good appytights their werry ard work seemed to have guv’em, pas Bs on em made speeches, and werry uns too considring as they was ony a Mewsical Committy. And the Hedhitter of the Times was there, and he said—as ony sitch a mitey swell coud say— ‘Tf the Copperashun spends about a hundred thousand in bilding up a Skool of Musick, it will shew as they are worthy of the Times!” It’s re large Py to pay for sitch a honner, but I spose as it carn’t well be done for less, and so Cheerman MorRison says, ‘‘ Right you are!” and so it’s as good as dun. The Cheerman made werry short speaches, witch for wunce we was werry sorry for, as he speaks werry well, but he made hup for it b ingi a grand song in his own grand style. But he quite us all by showing us wot a horful raddical he is! y, he sung a song about a x life being nuffin compared to a Common Coun- selman’s, witch although I dessay it’s trew enuff, for I don’t su: as there ’s any life as cums near a ne osenee a, Be us Waiters thort that as it ’ud be better, when so many Press Gents was present, jest to keep it a little dark, or there ll be such a rush for the ES ye 6 Eats cote the present occypents of comferel Cop- perashun Cheers. I noticed as a singler cohincidents, that wen he said in his , “The King can drink the best of wine, so can I!” every wun of

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' ee @ePrPases @i eae. BB hehe ren @ et Summ Der FP 1 PwmR = oe —wo2 | | -— — tt a ee i i ee ee ee [wee See ES le — poner Avevust 1, 1885.]. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 59 INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 15. IN ‘‘GLADSTONE’S ROOM,’’—LE., IN THE ROOM OF GLADSTONE. Press Gents filled his glass to the brim and tried the truth of his statement, and then drunk a second to show as he thort so two. So the day was wot I calls a purfect spessimen of a reel good ’un, for it with a good deed and ended with a good dinner. Ah, if most of our days was begun and ended in the same way as that ere day, what a different world it ’ud be! Goodness and Kindness and Charity and Silver Trowels and Music in the Morning, and Good Dinners and kind short speeches and capital Songs and Christian Horspitality in the evening. It may be ony a dream of the cumming Future, but wot a dream | RoBERT. TENNYSON’S TROUBLE. Very pai, no doubt, was the Laure- ate’s perfunctory Wedding Present to Prin- cess BraTrick, who it, as Her Royal Highaess took Prince y, for “ better and verse.” But what in Heaven’s name,— in the sidereal Heaven’s name,—did he mean by “A conjectured et in mid Heaven between two suns”? Polonius, who 80 highly approved of the expreision ‘‘ Mobled Qneen,” would certainly have observep, ** Conjectured planet’ is good.” But “‘ be- tween two suns”? Was the Poet Laureate thinking of the lines in the Critic, about “Two revolving suns”? Or was he y ** mooning,’”’ and not thinking of saytiog icular, except what a bore it was to bea oet Laureate, and compelled to turn out machine-cut couplets to order? However, his Lordship, the Laureate, may congratulate himself on the fact that, if there is a ‘‘ con- jectured planet” standing like a donkey between two bottles of hay, or like a noodle between two stools who comes to ground, —we don’t mind helping the troubadour to a simile or two gratis,—and ‘“‘two suns” left for his phenomenal planet, at least there are not two daughters left, whose weddings will force him to mount his willing, but weary, Pegasus. THE KEY OF “GLADSTONE’S ROOM.” Tosy Dog, Tony Dog, Where have you been ? ‘I’ve been to Giapstone’s Room.” What do you mean ? Tony Dog, Tony Dog, saw you there? “T saw a little man in GLapsTong’s se 9 c Here Saxissvry hollars, ‘Oh, Ranpoiru, what collars! ”’ But f It suits me to wear ’em.” NDOLPH says, ‘‘ SARUM, Says IpprsL_eicu to Grrrorp, ** We’ ve not often differed, CranBRoox is weighi HaMILton ’s sa) Duke o’ meyer P ‘find him him, With Grason behi Grand Cross is the man up, And StaNHore will stan’ up, While listening to each Sits Micuax. Hicks-Beacu, Smrru, s tall full asa -stall Of know! cheap, He’s . ’d all smoke Havannahs If ’twasn’t for id So here all met are, That “‘ Gusnemante Room ’s better Than his companee.”

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me Aa PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Avevst 1, 1885, ———~» HAYMARKETING. Tax interior of the Haymarket Theatre, Monday night, July 20, | on the occasion of the Bancrorrs’ Farewell, was a wonderful sight. —~ Ob = - span YY 605.0% py, ENGADINE.) 5* vA 4 Ye wy . $ — oh. Mr. and M.«. Bancroft (singing). Farewell to the spot where so happy we ’ve been, And now we are off to the Engadine. [Ezeunt dancing. | The heat was intense: notadry eye but wanted wetting, and the other eye also after that. : ** Warm, isn't it!” exclaimed the President of the Royal Academy, to Sir Ropert BrowninG —he isn’t Sir Ropert, but he ought to be; | he’s our Sir Ropert until our own Roserr gets knighted, than which there are more unlikely events that may happen in the Home of Turtle and Fine Linen. ““Warm!” replied Sir Ropert Brownrnc. ‘I wish I were at the sea-side ! ” ‘“What! Walmer!” cried the President. ** Yes, even that,” returned the Bard; ‘‘for I’d prefer to be Browne in the sun to be baking under the gaslights.’ ‘‘How about the Leger?” gasped Mr. Jonn Hane to Captain Haw ey Smaxt. ** Melton,” answered the noble Sportsman, fanning himself with a handkerchief. “* Ha! a hot favourite!” said Mr. J. H., booking the tip. ‘‘ Tre- mendous heat!” . ‘‘ Heat!” murmured the Captain. ‘It’s equal to three eats.” I don’t know what most people thought of the bill of fare pro- vided for our entertainment, Put, personally I would, ‘‘on sucha night,” to quote the Bard, rather have had selections from the Robertsonian pieces than the first Act of Butwer’s Money, and a scene from BovucicauLt's London Assurance. It was interesting and amusing enough to see Mr. Jonn CLaYTon as a Butler—very much “ out of place ””—and Mrs. Jonw Woop, asa Maidservant, chucked under the chin by Mr. Coantes WynpHaw, who played Sir Frederick Blount as if he were first cousin of Lord Dundreary. Funny, of course, was also Mr. Davin James, who seemed to have forgotten a considerable amount of whatever he might onee have known of this part. But what did it matter? We laughed, all of us. But criticism is out of the question on so excep- tional an evening, and therefore I will suppose that all did their best, and looked their best. I would rather have seen Mr. Hare as Lord Ptarmigan, or Beau Farintosh than as Sir Harcourt Courtly, aod Mrs. Kenpat as Dora, in Diplomacy, than as that very theatrical Amazon, Lady Gay Spanker. I should say that, where all were so successful, Mr. Kenpa.’s “*Yoicks! and who-hoop or Tallyho!”—or whatever the sporting cries were that he gave vent to,—might have, as the slang goes now- a-days, ‘taken the eake.” It thrilled through Captain Hawtry Smart, who, had it not been for the oppressive atmosphere, would with diffieulty have been restrained from joining in a shout so dear to the heart of every true sportsman. The only person who seemed to take it cool was Sir Henry Irvine, as he stepped lightly on to the stage and delivered himself of some most appropriate lines, written by Sir Crement Scorr—(in these days, when everyone is being Baronetted or Knighted, it is so difficult to refuse a title to those whose names seem to a een heme oar to have a handle fitted to them)—whereat all the house cheered, to be in return itself cheered by the entrance of Sir Jomw Lawrence TooLe, whose few words put everyone in a better humour than ever. Then the Curtain went down, and in a few seconds again arose, showing a stage covered with floral trophies, telling, not as mere flowers of speech, but in the very best language of flowers, of the tribute of affectionate regard which everyone present felt for the retiring Manageress. The Manager had to come forward alone, and speak for himself and partner. ; I felt inclined to say, ‘‘ Don’t be down-hearted, Sir! ‘don’t ery, Mr. Cooxe!’ This is not good-bye, but au revoir!” and, afterall there’s not much to tg about in orp finished work early, being able to retire in the very prime of life with a large fortune, good health, and the best wishes of a vast number of genuine friends, at a time when a majority of working men at the Bar, for example, who have toiled and toiled, and had to keep up appearances, are only just beginning to get out of difficulties, and to know the luxury of an.increasing reserve-fund on deposit. Bless my dear pockets, I only wish I had half the cause for tears that my friend, Ex-Manager Bancrort has, and I would weep for joy ? : The Bancrorts have done much for the Stage: in fact, the mise- en-scene at the houses where Comedy is ps ed, owes its present completeness entirely to them. They, and Mr. Hane with them, introduced the natural style of acting, thereby supplanting the theatrical tone and gestures of the old school, which Burlesques had done good service in laughing off our Stage for ever. I wish them health, happiness, ad mu/tos annos, and am theirs et A FT NIBBS, SELLING OFF!!! SALISBURY, CHURCHILL, & Co.'s GREAT SUMMER SALE!!! Now proceeding at the Conservative Stores, Westminster. In consequence of Change of Management, Premises must be cleared before November next, At any Cost, Preparatory to the introduction of the New Szason’s Goons, In the shape of an extensive and recherché assortment of Nxo-Tory-Democratic NOVELTIES, Selling Off, at an Alarming Sacrifice, all the immense 8 Stock, and vast quantities of Cheap Goods, specially purchased at Lowest Sale Prices. GREAT BARGAINS!!! A few of which are quoted below :— Fine Old Conservative Principles, going cheap (slightly out of fashion), A large assortment of Party Promises (slightly damaged). A Jos Lor Of Patriotic Bunkum, Fiscal Bow-wow, and Fair-Trade Fallacies to be disposed of in large or small parcels at prices absolutely WITHOUT RESERVE!!! BALANCE OF A Lance Bankrupt Stock oF PoriticaL PLEDGES (Unredeemed) offered at Prices unprecedentedly low. Astounding Changes and Absolutely Ruinous Reductions ! ! ! Over Two Hundred Party Cloaks (Reversible) at any Price you like! 80, One Superb and Unique ‘ Elijah’s Mantle ” To be Sold to the Highest Bidder. Large Stock of Hibernian Muzzles (extra strong), laid in by the late Management during a period of panic, at the urgent advice of the present Proprietors, GIVEN AWAY!!!!!! Russian Leather Goods and Egyptian Bric-a-brac ! Immense Bargains! ! Also a number of Political Reputations Panegem, Violent Party Speeches (disavowed), Promises (mostly broken), Long-tried Leaders (deserted), Alliances (abandoned), Statements (unfounded), Statistics (cooked), &c., &c., in one large MisceLLangous Lor, to be parted with at any price—or none—to any Parties promising to cart them away and say no more about it. REMEMBER! MUST BE SOLD!! For further particulars apply to the ‘‘ Boy wirm tHe Drum” (answering to the name of Ranpotpn), at the door of the Conserva- tive Stores, Westminster. [Apvt. THe Boy is Father to the Man. It is said, we believe, on most respectable medical authority, that Sergeant ButmeEr, 2 i the Crack Shot at Wimbledon this year, was passionately devoted to pa oe aoe his earliest childhood, and used to e scores of m himself. G@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. — Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. | F

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red | rty ers ‘ics em PUNOH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—aAvever 1, 1886. THE STOMACH GOVERNS THE WORLD.’—cenerat convo. Tae | DEPARTED ERRORS. STP SES - 7 \ ‘OUR PAST becomes the Mightiest S/S | ’ NY Teacher to our FUTURE. Looki back We Over the tombs of DEPARTED ERRORS, ’ | = we behold by the side of each the face of a _—— Sa) Ss WARNING ANGEL.” — Jord Lytton. t's pel A Ow TO AVO zat | | Ta] How 72 Avorn tam msunious ByrRors ; ||| partaking of too fich foods, as pastry, saccharine and faity | a , ru } “7\'f substances, alecholic drinks, oak on insufficient amount of it a ’ Giaccone nt deranges the liver. i would advise all cS le—unless they are careful to keep the liver acting | —— exercise great care in the use of alooholic drinks; a ee: ond abe, dilute largely with water. Experience shows porter, ales, port wine, dark sherries, sweet 2 ‘ tie* ne, rs, and brandy, are al vere ree; y onsen : while wines, and gin or whisky large. , P= ees. will be found the least objectionable. ENO'S RUIT SALT Mm peoulene adapted for any constitutional i; has been of the the power of reparation : isturbed or lost, and places the walid on the right track to health. A world of woes is avoided all who use ENO’S FRUIT SALT, therefore no family be without is. ‘* MODERATION is the silken strin yunning through the pearl chain of 4 \ ; virtues.””— Bishop Hail. D24¥1Ne 4% RAFT ON THE B. : OF LIFE.— hours, ged, unnatural excitement, b impure @ir, too rich , algoholic drink, gouty, : r i¢, and other blood poisons, feverish eoldg, biliousness, a. sick headache, skin eruptions, pimples on the face, want uf “ tsk: a a? i = SSS pee. sourness of stomach, &c.—Use BNO'S FRUIT SALT. d till the 4a . = =f It ant, cooling, health-giving, refreshing, and invigora- —_— 4 ne —— se tins. ou cannot overstate great value kee the - = em pure and free from disease. ULU WAR.— E R — RT Pt ALL LEA @ HOME FOR A CHANGE. “Winchester, July 14, 1884.—Sir,—I write to tell you what your FRUIT SALT has done for me. ring War, Consul ill and myself had occasion to survey the aputa River. We had great difficulties in sto sufficient fresh water for our need, and were on our to drink the river water—water you may cal) it, but I call it juid mud; mud banks both sides, a tropical gun all day, and a minamatic dew all night. We had the good fortune, , to have with us a couple of bottles of your invaluable RUIT SAL, and never took the ‘ water * without @ judicious na of it, and so did not suffer from the abominable concoction Now, when we arrived at Lorenzo Marquay, ere was no more FRUIT SALT to be obtained. I was sent on to ban, but poor Mr. O’ Neill was on the flat of his back with ague, At Durban I could only ges one . an y one was sold out, it being so much in demand. n I mention that we only went in a small boat with four ap by and that two expeditions from men-of-war, with fully pd boats, had tried the survey before, and only got forty miles (having lost the greater part of their crews through the malaria), while we got over cighty miles, I think I am ly doing justice in putting our suecess down to your excellent preparation.—I am, Sir, yours faithfully, A Lisutewant, R.N.,F.R.G.8, ToJ.C. Ewo, Bsq., Hateham, London, 8.E."' HE SECRET OF SUOCESS.—“ A new invention is brought before the Public, and commands success. A score of abominable imitations are immediately introduced y the unserupulous, who, in ing the original closely enough to deceive the Public, and yet not so exactly as to infringe upon legal rights, exercise an ingenuity that, ployed in an original channel, could not fail to seeure reputation and profit.” —Apaws, (AUTION,—Eawamine each Bottle, and see the Capeute is marked “ ENO’S FRUIT SALT.” Without you have been imposed on by a worthless imitation. Sold by all Chemists. Directions in Siateen Languages, How to nt Disease. REPARED ONLY AT ENO’S FRUIT SALT WORKS, HATCHAM, LONDON, SE.. BY J. ©. ENO’S PATENT. ‘* The National Table Waters.” | . 9 DRESS FABRICS AT FIRST GOST. The Lancer has subjected the M t Lime HIGHLAND MALT MANUFACTURING COMPANY, WHISKEY. ELLIS'S | rock nT, Seine | MANUEAGTURING, COMPAR “ Apsoturety Pore.” recommends the public te drink it im preference to any form,® ‘oehol Bee leTEeRED ELEVEN YEARS OLD. T ONTSERRAT vaans Ice )LD MEDAL, CALCUTTA EXHIBITION, 1884. RU HIN 26a, the Gall ; 50s. the Doz. Caaatace Paty Casn Ontr. LIME-FRUIT RICHD. MATHEWS & 6O., ncostenco. WATERS JUICE 2 and 94, Albany Ste indon, N.W Retsgeeraes WS, on Cochameree, ber. 1 wenn reat, Lon do J LW. Soda, Potass, Seltzer, Lemonade, Aromatic 4 CORDIALS foketea, are en Broowssury Manstow, Haat Srrerr, we. Ginger Ale. AKOMATIO CLOVE, STRAWBERRY, RAsP- ees kw gents for Indisa—CUTLER, PALMER, & C0. | For Gout: Lithia Water, and Lithia and | BERKY, PINEAPPLE, SARSAPARILLA, JAR- Kity” The Prom ade Potass Water. GONELLE, QUININE, PEPPERMINT. sprabe highty of ; } Retail from Grocers, Druggists, and Wine Merchants Xt oasapes - ASK FOR ELLIS’S. everywhere. reach of the ub ue = o O pe F be BSotp EverrYwaers. Carriage to ” e ie a a, SOLE ADDRESS—R. ELLIS & SON, RUTHIN, E Pp p gS ’ S Vales. "The ita Ca obtained the Highest Award ; FR ERES’ NORTH WALES. Write gt once, and mention “ Punch.” 2 London Agents: W. BEST & SONS, es T= Ss Henrietta Street, Cavendish Square. CRATEFUL COMFORTING. evereu } FIRST QUALITY mr) We cxancracaes, | '® CRITERION cArETIERE. QQ OG O A.|5 tam "Extracts by euply aaing oe - u rf part with sling a >) ah’ the PALATABLE AND WHOLESOME PROPERTIES OF COFFEE without EX- TRACTING THE INJURIOUS fa ; SUBSTANCES, CAFFEINE ax TANNIG L 0 T | 0 N fee CHEST med authorities Ma e e " “a Tatkedhe beommcngens ta the | in « few every Loy moe i tS A W A at ) : ‘ ‘ 4 4 A... 5 removes Kingdon | Blemish, cing the Skin cles hy. Sold everywhere. Im POLL ate Powder VINTAGE 1880. sehaes 8 Kinng eit Tea MOR A P ee. o Gorn sie—New isn, Caleutta, Boxes, } pert . Is., Be. O., Sizes—2 ‘ 6 4 2 large cups. | and hea z Block Tin 36 46 6 Cf Tf Rolled Nickel &- 12 15; a/- 25 } Agents for England, Ireland, and Colonies:— ,_ THOS. P. COOK & CO, 34, Sxow Hitt, Loxvom } FIVE COL MEL Al ¢ R. WYLIE Hii ix 0. Ane te 81 . ne | O RWI C at S BP ISHER'S | GLADSTONE B: 188 rRA BAKING POWDER EXHIB" 1884) -

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Aveusr 1, 1885. H. J. NICOLL, MERCHANT CLOTHIER TO THE QUEEN, THE ROYAL FAMILY, AND THE COURTS OF EUROPE. ARMY, NAVY, LONDON: 114, 116, 118, 120, Recent StReExt, W.; 22, CORNHILL, E.C. ; 41, 44, 45, 46, WARWICK SrREET, W. (WHOLESALE). PARIS: 29 & 31, RUE TRONCHET, 29 & 31. GENTLEMEN. Sptcialité Taavertine Buitines, from £3 3s., for Shooting, Fishing, and Travellin the New Heather, Mixed Cheviots, and Angolas; also in special makes wear, Und Homespun Cloths, BIRMINGHAM ot Spécralite Coatines for Morning, and Frocx Coats of the finest possible manufacture. Spéovalité Txouseeines in the newest and most recherché designs. Spécialité Lieut Ovsrooattnes, for Summer and Travelling wear. Special preparations are made for Young Gentlemen home for the Holidays. BOYS’ LADIES. Lapigs’ Travettine Costumes, in new Parisian designs and materials; als 2 and Travelling wear, at Four-and-a-hait finely braided. Invernese Cioaxs and Utsters, in showerproof yet light mater: Special attention is drawn to Messrs. Nicoxy’s new ComBinep Uuster-Cioax, Lapizs’ Ripive Hanis, with patent Foot-strap, in special makes for this eax, MIDSUMMER HOLIDAYS. Outfits from the finest and most durable materials at very moderate prices, epécialité make of Cioth-Serge, for Mornin, Lapies’ Jackets, in novel makes an Lapiss’ AND CIVIL OUTFITTER. PROVINCES: MANCHESTER—10, Mosiey STREET, LIVERPOOL—50, BoLp STREET. —39, NEW STREET, ee leevery Digest/ble—Nutritions—Pals table Satisf ying—Excellent in Quality--Per- |fectly free from Grit—Requires uires neither | boiling dy ey -yonyp eel HANBURYS’ Malted FOO D Farinaceous | For INFANTS and IN VALIDS. A highly-concentrated and self nutriment for young children ; supplying all that is required for the formation fir: n flesh and bone in a partially soluble and easily wm mel g It also fords a susta: try for Invalids, and a dyspeptic tendency. Tins, 6d., Is., 2s., Gs. & 10s. KROPP’S sm REAL GERMAN HOLLOW-GROUND NEVER REQUIRE RAZ 0 R S e GRINDING ALWAYS READY FORK UBE. The finest Razor ever man Mr. Hexey Inviwe writes—“I find your Rasore excellent.” The money will be returned if the Kasors are not as represen Black Handle. ouy en vate. In Leather Cave complete 5s. 64. .. Pair in Leather Case .. We. ° sie. 04. 4 Hasors.... .....s000-s000 32s. 6d. 40s. Od. Day Cases complete .... 50s. Od. ~. 68s. Od. ; m all Dealers, or direct from the Englich Depot, PRITH 8T., SOHO BQUARE, LONDON, W , RIMMEL S NEW ROYAL ERFUMES.— Princess ee, Bova Bridal, and Camas Blossom, in a neat box, him MirL’s TOILET “intoak. a tents and refreshing lotion for the Toilet an Bath, 2s , and bs.—E. RIMMEL, wanes to H R “. “the + Princess af Wales, 9, Kegent Street London. MELLOR'S ‘SAUCE. VIANU Strand; | KNOX’S “ECLIPSE” SPIRIT STOVE, PATENTED. per Post, 1s. 9d. each. ons for large quantities, 1s. 6d. each ; Special Quota Paatir Orzx, Bize across Outside Standards. 5 inches Height of Standards, 3 inches “THE VERY THING TH HAS WANTED FOR Y BA Rs.” This Stove possesses the great advantage of being able to regulate the heat, which is done by moving two crescent-shaped slides, which pess over the wire gauze, inwards or outwards, as required With the “ ECLIPSE” Stove you can cook a chop, steak, ham and eggs, fish, &c., &c With the “ ECLIPSE” Stove you can make tea coffee, cocoa, &c., while you are dressing, or at any other time wee the “ ECLIPSE” Stove you can boil your own having water in two minutes With the “ E * Btove ladies can heat their curling irons im one minute wie, i EZ” Stove you can boil the Dby's or invalid'’s food wie the “ ECLIPSE” bab ‘s food just warm. With the polirsE” Stove you can make hot water the last thing at night for your brandy, when ail the fires are put out and the servants | are not handy Always take an “ ECLIPSE” Stove with you when seaside, &c » Picnicis you go into apartments at the when yachting, fishing, shooting &c , &c. Use P TED SPIRIT, or you wil spoil the Stove. To be had of Lronmongers, Ollmen, and Chemists or sent direct, on receipt of price, by H A. KNOX & CO., Importers of American and German Hardware Novelties, &c BsaminomaM snp SuevrietD Meacuayrts 151, HOUNDSDITCH, LONDON, BEST HAVANA CIGARS. AT IMPORT PRICES. Also excellent Foreign Cigars, as supplied to the Leading Clubs. Army Messes, and Publi 16s and 22s. per 100. Samples, 5 for ls. (14 Stam ips | BENSON, 61, St. Paul's Churchyard. 20 BEEN Stove you can keep the ng, TADDY & ee” LONDON. mote ADOYS err mstm “You Sout Try THEIR, ares ore 1 ee TO BE OBTAINED EVERYWHERE. | Manufactured by JOHN GOSNELL & CO. London. The Only Gold 1884 Pr FORINFANTS SAVORY & MOORE. LONDON, & OF CHEMISTS &c EVERYWHERE CHUBB’S LOCKS. Paice Lists sent raez 68, St. James's Street, Pall Mall, London; Manchester, Liverpool, & Birmingham. imparted to Hair of any colour by using ZRINE. Solid only by W. WINTER, 472, Oxford St., London. Price 5s. 64., 10s. 6d.,21s. For tinting grey or laded 128, QUEEN VICTORIA STREET, E.C., The lovely nuance “ Chatain Foncée”’ can be Hair A.RINE is invaluabie —— | | ee S COMFORTABLE TEET jaable mouth ENTIRE. PREEDOM. FROM Toot TOOTHACHE as — Y OF ny a YELL Wonan 7 LLO EN, and Yr “ee gums, doce 4 offensive ——. for he dro in a little water to rinse the mouth ia they will not only NEVER SUFFER Porc reserve their TEETH SOUND and HE END. That with the RED . Bo a of soft Tooth- brush made of yi— and his ORANGE TOOTH- PASTE tr for the of tartar and whi . imitations, see that each “ Wileoz 4 Co., 239, Oxford ve STHMA.COUGH. BRONCHIT any ul Lhese eae = worst attack of A BRE. a fpves iamecnaay MA, COUGH, Hil ; 118, HAY YEVER, and’ SHORTNES ATH. P ho suffer igarettes, 2s. 6d., from Wi Xs aud all Chemists. Cavtionw.—To jainst imitations, see that each box bears the “ Wilcox 4 Co,, 239, Oxford Street, wype = man of business, weaken A our duties, avoid stimulants and take HOP BIT TERS. ou are a man of letters, toiling over Pre aie wt work, to restore brain and nerve HOP BIT TERS. Ifyou ~~ and eft of any too test, of ee suilering from amr ov HOP BITTERS. If you are married or i ptt‘ une, sa HOP BIT TERS Have you pysrereis, KIDNEY OF URINART disease of the sromacn, sow poe pieeatae weaves? You will be HOP BIT TERS These Waters continue to be supplied to the EEN. CAUTION.—The genuine are Labels bearing “ Fountain” Trade Q! Corks branded “J. Scpweprz & Co.” GOLD MEDAL. LEMONADE. SODA WATER. Pt a Bs SS rotected by , and all Holloway, in the Parish of 06 Masy, lolingten in the of Midd) , at the P Offices of Messrs. bradbury, of Lonéon, and published by him at No. 6, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of Londom--Batwapar, Au w, & Co., Lombard 1, 1686,