Punch 1885-07-25: Vol 89 Iss 2298
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tll be Puilished on Fuly 31st, with several Illustrations by CHARLES KEENE & others, ® 10, SOUVERIE ST., EC R 0 3 E — T s Or, Notes from the Diary of a City Waiter, 3 From“ Puncu.” Price One Shilling. [Remsen ® 2 re = ) i wil . if ! tts ‘« ta Af 4 a ' t ' 8 ' 4h te NT 1 Te MLN / y 4 ith | fo ae /@ ON 3 | I ee | / Ags ey , Zz —= ; SA Sh \ . = > if), — VOLUME EIGHTY - NINE. ~~ — 8 eT) ee RS , ent PNG VOLS Ade eT) Deen Amenmeeetien 2. 2) AN ' . vl ere AG sm Wy % PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, Q ao nted, and copi b BIR VOSBPH PAXTON S |e pe cee eried ane cobs may be BOTANICAL DICTIONARY |25:" Pata ree cantons ge “SON3d S33YHL 30I14d
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jury 25, 1885. NEW AND POPULAR NOVELS. LAW FORBIDS. By bg sow In HARVEST. By Ipa Asewonra Tareas. 5 vols. ENTANGLED. By Miss Farmrax Brases. % vols. MADAME DE PRESNEL. By BE. Paaxces Porwren. 2 vols. THE SINS OF THE FATHERS. By Hewat Cursswets. 3 vols. LAZARUS IN LONDON. By W. Rostrson. 3 vols. THE RECOLLECTIONS OF A GOUNTRY DOCTOR. By Mre, Srzrpza. 3 vols. IN THE GOLDEN DAYS. By Eons Lait. Second Edition. 3 vols. HURST & BLACKETT, Pablishers. GTAMMERERS and TUTTERERS Bt a) read a little Ser ee B. Beastrr, “ "RED pe ge after anes for more the an ‘Th Ve Green nk House, Hall Geven, ne cam Kirwingham. vise ‘for 13 stamps. STERLING SILVER. ELECTRO SILVER. KNIVES. TABLE SPOONS AND FORKS. WHOLESALE PRICES. CATALOGUES FREE, ee: MAPPIN — & WEBB, MANUFACTURERS, MANSION HOUSE BUILDINGS, E.C.; and OXFORD ST., W.; LONDON. Manufactory—Sheffield. PEPPER'S QUININE ano IRON HEALTH. STRENGTH, ENERGY. Gives great "athe, oo Mental, and Eipeotive oyenem 7 Hot doses, sold every where. aotiee Parren’s Tonic. BotanleMedicine Co. Weiiu.we SEASONABLE DELICACY.—WITH STEWED FRUIT; BROWN & POLSON’S CORN FLOUR AS BLANO-MANGE, CUSTARD, OR BAKED PUDDING, Norz.—Unlike many other Corn Flours, this bears the name of its Manufacturers, who offer the guarantee of their long-established reputation for its uniformly superior quality. ANNUAL CONSUMPTION 25,000,000 lbs. SOLD RETAIL EVE RYWHERE. 1 CHOCOLAT MENIER. FOR BREAKFAST. AWARDED 32 PRIZE MEDALS. EXCEEDS WHITE NOSE. a most delicate odour. \ IGIPANN I, an eterna! perfume. GNOLLA, natural as the flower. OPOPONA x | The Flower King RIB, more rare than gold. and OK ANGE, for Weddings. Kiss-ae QUICK, always sweet. Heattay Ho "How to Avor In¥ECTIO ASES, SUCH AS SMALL-POX AND CHOLERA. “The best Disinfectant known to Science.” The Times. A Sixteen-page Pamphlet on these subjects free with every bottle of Compy’s Fiuip, which is the Deodoriser, the Best and Cheapest Puce te bot F is not LEA & LEA & PERRINS’ | SAUCE. In consequence of imitations LEA & PERRIN®S' L ual Pennie bes Se o draw attention to ae factinat each bo of the Original and WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE +s Signature, visenous, aad b and has no Smel I. * Bold Whole sale by the Proprietors, Worcester, ate & Bucewetr, — aT ~ and Exp: ort Oilmes i erally. Betail by Deale ughout the World. Sinfeetant. Conny “s| TADDY fe C0., Lo “You Sxounp Try THER gui Mvaree’Grove” | it CHUBB’S SA FES, Paice copenibe SENT rare. ae MCCALL'S PAYSANDU OX TONGUES. FITMENTS. space SITTING ROOMS AND BED ROOMS|— TASTEFULLY AND INGENIOUSLY FITTED, So as to secure the maximum of convenience and comfort which any given is capable of affording. COLLINSON & LOCK and JACKSON & GRAHAM, 68 to 80, OXFORD STREET, W. RODRICUES’ MONOC Henatvic Enonavine, Parrtine, & h A VISITING CARD PL Magantiy Eageevet ond 00 Guperiine Canty RODRIGUES, 42, Piccadilly CLUB EASY CHAIRS DIVANS. at — a is 3) Fat MANUFACTURED BY HOWARD & §0 26, BERNERS STREBT, ¥ DESIGNS ON APPLICATION OXFORD.-MITRE H0 ONE OF THE MOST BCONOM FIRST-CLASS HOTELS IN THE ki SAMUEL BROTH ie respectful _—— and Ladies ZL BROTH KS, OUTEITT Hill, Lonvo " PURE WATER. SPENCER'S PATENT MAGNETIC A (CHARGED WITH “ MAGNETIC GOLD MEDAL, Health Exhibition, 16. GOLD Palace hi Exhibitia, LY MEDAL, London Exhibition, 19nt HIGHEST MEDAL, Paris Exhfbition, i HIGHEST AWARD, Amsterdam Exh Iters have the following claim have paben the High oem These Fi riority :—1. T fone “SPECIAL TO LADIE SPRING FASHIONS One of the most useful and attractive @' Fashion Books is “ SPENCE’ FASHIONS,” which Mesars. James the well-known Sik , of 76, 77,08 St. Paul's Reggie ne | will forware g Aye. a CEs ILT TER CON &PENCE . 76, 77,78, and 79, 8t. Paul's Churchyard, ROWLAND eae 1) Coctp and votoeshes Bo Tees ccobere, Fea Phopkios, ~ ~
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Jury 25, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 37 WHICH IS WHICH P (By Our Bewildered Critic, who was in two places at once.) Tue Empress Théodora, when first seen in the play, is giving audience to a Parisian of the period and other bores, and soon becomes weary of her Court, and especially of one of its chief func- tionaries, who will wear a dress-improver, which it seems was known “Very like, very like.”’— Hamlet. in those days, though Mr. Gopwin cruelly left it out in Claudian. The Empress thinks it ‘‘ sich imperence,” and, scorning the luxury that caused the ruin of Roman Empire—e.g., a big drum, to play upon, all to herself—she goes off to the Hippodrome, to see her old friend Zamyris (Madame Marre Tuorné), to get a philtre for Justinian (M. SHELTON GARNIER). Arrived at the Byzantium Arcade, the Empress unbends, and we see her laughing and dancing with the Sorceress in truly affable fashion. In the first scene Madame Marre BERNHARDT was lithe and languorous, and in the second Madlle. Saran LINDEN was smart and sinuous; indeed, the dual character of the Empress was never better represented, and Justinian hardly recognised his better half when he saw her double. A conspiracy in Byzantium must have been a nice thing for the neighbours, as we discover when taken to the house of Andréas, a ‘* masher” and a politician, who, with his friends, is lotting against the Empire. or a merry chorus goes on all night, and each conspirator brings his particular instru- ment, that is, he is instru- mental in working out the lot. In this scene Mr. J. L. ARAIS acted with consider- able power, whacking his fellow-conspirators on their breasts with genuine force, while M. Toore, ‘“ De la Comédie Anglaise,” was really humorous, and his song had the true classic ring about it. His attire, too, was archzo- logically correct, being the xiTdv Bperxéros of the ancients, as represented in the mosaics of the Criterion. M. Toore’s singing was also much ad- mired, as being very like that of the Birds of AnIsToPHANES, The meeting, however, has to disperse, for the Empress, who is a regular Byzantine *“bad’un,” comes to see . Andréas, calling herself by a1 other name, while he calls her naughty names, not knowing she is Augusta. So the lady becomes very uneasy, and naturally squirms, and this is a great feature of the piece. Madame Maxie Bexwuanpr’s squirm is the true “ spasma Imperiale” of JUVENAL, while Mdlle. Saran Linpen has in it more of the juvenile. The Emperor twits his wife with being an Actress, which, seeing the admirable manner in which she plays the part, is, to say the least of it, bad manners. But she forgives him, and tells him all about the plot which the indisereet Andréas has let out. The Imperial Mons. Toole, du ThéAtre Anglais, as Andréas. perty hide, Marcellus, the chief conspirator, and Andréas come on, the ormer is captured but Théodora saves Andréas by shutting the door so suddenly in his face that poor Andréas must have got a one in the eye. Here the acting of Saran or Manre and M. Toorz or Maras, I forget which, was very fine. Then ensues a scene which baffles descri , and also the conspirators. Marcellus (M. Wann, of the Porte St. Martin, Traf Square) is brought in, knocked on the head, and stabbed by 7'héodora, just to prove what he had been as on for some time, that ‘his heart was in the right .”” So Marcellus doesn’t betray Andréas, and off they all go to the races, where we see Emperor and Empress putting on their denarii in Epsom style. Andréas turns up, and is promptly gagged, for he certainly says very rude things; and pre- sently we come to the last scene of all, where the Empress visits him in his hiding- , It seems that Tamyris has given Théodora not a philtre, but a poison, for the Witch desires to be revenged upon Justinian, whose have killed her son; and so when Andréas, in a most manner, will have nothing to say to the naughty Empress, The brew gives him Se pie to win back his love. of Tamyris is potent, for M. TooLE was so convulsed (as were his audience), that several medical men in the house were with difficulty restrained from flying to his assistance. His anguish was something really and at, the same time, y classic, the genuine Gastrodynia Byzantica, as described the famous Physician, GuLreLmus Lanrvs, A.D. 532. I fancy I’ve got the two pieces a little mixed, but haven't time to put it right again. Valete et plaudite, as the ancient Low Comedian used to say. A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER. _ Ar the Class-Day Dinner at Harvard College lately, we are — ~- faut Tab Ne Oy Hotmes, Author of ig Pg re of t rea . a complimentary poem to Mr. James eames LowkLL, one verse of aN runs (a trifle haltingly, if rightly reported) as follows :— “« By what deep magio, what alluring arts, Our truthful James led captive British hearts ; Whether his shrewdness made their Statesmen halt, Or if his learning found their dons at fault, Or if his virtue was a strange surprise, Like honest Yankees we can simply guess : England herself will be the first to claim Her only conqueror since the Norman came.”’ To which Mr. Punch begs amicably to reply :— Not halting Statesmen, and not dons outdone, Taught us to love this lord of sense and fun ; Nor did it come to us as a surprise To find a Yankee virtuous as wise. No Hormes, Sweet Hormes! Our pride it nothing shames, To own us conquered by your Truthful James. His “‘ sword and spear” in truth were cause of it, The sword of eloquence, the spear of wit ; For heart, not art, sage head, not iron hand, Made him the ‘‘ conqueror” of;our stubborn land. He us? Yes; and he’ll be hailed with rapture If he’ll come back among us to recapture ! Could you come too, tant mieux ! for what more pat Than to pair ‘‘ Conqueror” with ‘‘ Autocrat ?” Verb: sap: dear Ottver! It won’t be lost on One of the best and brightest, brains of Boston ! THE HANWELL FESTIVAL. Sir,—I got the prize. Alone I did it, with another fellow. It was fora Conundrum. And they sang ‘‘ See the conquering hero,” that’s me, “ Sound the trumpets, beat the conundrums!” And this is a con no one can _— My first is a Hi no matter where, London if you like. My second is De RoruscuHitp (with our best wishes and kin ). My third is what the lamb-cutlets and peas said to the Head Cook. My whole is what the biggest fool I know is. (Nothing personal in this last, and all rights reserved.) Now for the answer. Listen. Hold on. One, two, three, and away :— The answer is Inn-jew-dish-us. That got the prize, and there were bonfires in the dormitory all night long. Great rejoicings. ours ever, Nvuwevam Dromio (the other brother.) Tue gawky young fellows who can’t, or won't dance, and plant ‘themselves 7 the walls look less like Wall-flowers than members of the Orchid Squad. VOL, LXXXIX, E
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38 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jour 25, 1885, LHI) b/A/|\I. | IN A HAMMOCK. | On, sweet ’tis to swing in a Hammock ’neath trees, And feel the soft breath of the Summer’s light breeze, With a jug to dip into or not, as you please, Where claret and soda commingle; _ | Yon’ve got a cigar, how it soothes, ’twixt your lips, | And round you an angel in petticoats trips, | And pops in the lemon, omitting the pips, | Till you ’re sad at the thought you are single. When Horace, in old days, exclaimed to his boy, That linden-bound chaplets could give him no joy, I should think not, indeed, what a singular toy, And bid him look out for no roses ; He never had known of a Hammock, I'll swear, Or he’d surely have mentioned the fact, to declare How well he could swing in all luxury there, ’Mid pleasant Venusian posies. You feel quite at rest, though the world has been hard, And you know that you’re not such a wonderful As you thought in your youth, e’er your brow grown scarred By Time's irrepressible fingers ; ‘ And you idly reflect on some more foolish verse, Soft sentiment mingled with epigram terse, That may win you applause and put tin in your purse, Wherein it unfrequently lingers. Then here ’s to the Hammock, and peace that it brings, To him who in height of the summertime swings, _ While the bird on the branch that hangs over him, sings, And the river runs on to the ocean ; I think that it would be most pleasant, don’t you, Just to lie at your ease all the ong Summer ugh, And to swing in a Hammock, with nothing to do, Save rejoice in the exquisite motion. ——_— Earnest in Jest. “A Fow er is not of much use without a net,” b d Lord Sau ith a twinkle in his right CONSCIENTIOUSNESS. oo Sivimsiacé | ‘‘WELL, AND DID You GET THE Sramps, TOMMY, AND STICK THEM ON, AND - You!” exclaimed the Earl of IpsrzicH, waking) Post rue Lerrer, as I ToLp you!” “Yes, Mummy!” Th Fs ou saan a cod pad ng A ! ot fee | ‘AND COUNT THE CHANGE CAREFULLY, AND BRING IT BAOK ?” as he replied, —*" I shall pty Ne tne Thon “‘Yus, MoMMY, HERE IT Is—I’VE BROUGHT IT BACK IN Torrer!” the noble Earl saw the joke, and wept heartily. OH, THE JOY OF IT! ON A NAVAL COMMITTEE. Mr. Dresser Rocers, who, from his suggestive facility of expres- SHovutp Courtney, Jackson, Gray, and Bruce sion, might be in future very reasonably styled, Mr. ApDREssSER Not prove themselves of any use, Roeers, on congratulating the Lorp Mayor the other day on his And Rrtanps, coupled off with Goscnen reception of a Baronetey from the hands of Her Most Gracious But merely serve to rhyme with “ ocean,” — Masesty, expressed, together with many others, a hearty wish that ’Tis well, to help them at a halt, his Lae “‘might enjoy it.” The phrase is a happy one, for it That they can boast one real Saxr. seems to add quite an unexpected zest to the possession of the honour in quae. - a Enjoy a poy oe ? A.’ a that My few newly-create aronets can ever have asked themselves; and it - would be quite worth some en ising person’s while to give ita THE ROVAL WEDDING. practical answer in the shape of a little shilling volume. As dignities (From an Evidently Ignorant Correspondent. have been falling rather thick of late, ‘‘_.4 Hundred Ways of Enjoy- | ; ing a Baronetcy” at the price named could not fail tosell. Nor| Srm,—I see by the papers that the Wedding of Princess Brarnrice is would the Author's task be difficult. The subject is full of sugges-| not to be a State Ceremonial. There are to be “ three i tiveness. Indeed, there appears to be, when the matter is examined, | processions,” employing on the whole about eighteen carriages, T a vast amount of quiet enjoyment to be got out of the mere fact of | Master of the Horse—fancy only one horse, ‘‘ the Horse,” for the being a Baronet. There is the pleasure of suddenly springing the | whole lot !—will be much exercised, and, by the way, so will “ the title on an unprepared hotel-keeper, and watching his subsequent | horse.” But what bothers me, Sir, is these three carriage processions, obsequious ambles. It must be, too, an agreeable sensation to drop | at least eighteen carriages, and only one horse! I can’t get over it; a dozen or so of your visiting cards on a crowded railway platform, | no more will the horse. And suppose that horse, of which Lord and then have them all returned to you singly, accompanied by Braprorp is ‘‘the newly-appointed master,” is laid up! What a cringing bow or awe-struck and respectful stare. It must be|then? Will they all walk, or go in donkey-chaises, at so much at even a refreshing experience, when quite alone, to lie dreamily on| hour? They couldn’t fit into goat-chaises, or they’d get these at « your back on a lawn, and say to yourself, ‘‘ Hang it, this is jolly! | low figure. I have never visited the Royal Stables which, I believe, Why, bless me, if 1’m not a real live Baronet!” are well worth seeing, but if there’s only one horse, all the stal But there is no need to continue the list of the whole series| except one, must be empty, unless, like stalls in a theatre during of enjoyments that are to be got out of a Baronetcy adroitly held|arun of bad business, they are filled with dead-heads or dummies. in this fashion. Pleasures present themselves on all sides. Even} Will no one ask a question in Parliament as to the salary of the a street row, ending in a summons and a Police report the next | Master of the Horse—poor horse, I do pity him !—and whether the morning, has its agreeable points. Mr. Dresser Rogers deserves | country couldn't afford another, or i several more for this the thanks of every newly-honoured member of the community. ticular occasion? I shall be there to see and to cheer the He has put a —, Rosherville within the grasp of even the | Princess and her spouse, even though they be in a one-horse shay. gloomiest new Peer. Yours, A Lrrrtz Rypz in THe Istz or Wicxt.
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a | ~~ RAS s BRASS FF es Fe | SEErrrer Juty 25, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39, Ji MN wu t = AN EXTRA LIBERAL DOSE. Dr, Balfour (to Patient), ‘‘ You’. se so GRATEFUL FoR MY TREATMENT OF YOUR Caar.” Dr, Chamberlain, “‘ You's BE RADICALLY CURED,—BUT DON’T FORGET THAT IT WAS MF PRESCRIPTION.” PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY ; OK, SAWS FOR THE SEASON. A Sprercu in the Lords is worth two in the Commons. (For Lord Northbrook.)—'* Marinum est errare.” For Use in the Soudan.)—Nothing fails like failure. me Spouter can send an Elector to the polling-booth, but twenty can't make him think. Too many Cooks spoil the Excursion Season. propos of most Temperance Drinks.)—One Swallow spoils a whole Summer. One man’s meat is another man’s horse-flesh. Mobody knows what the Czaz’s up to except the Editor of the Pallski Maliski Gazettikoff. (For Cricketers:)—It’s a long score that gives no chances. A still match makes a wise Burglar. Wuar’s Wanrep.—New Ships, not new Peers. Not a Sucking Dove. ‘*M. pe Bitiine, though courteous in the language he employs in his letter to M. Hennt Rocuxzrort, roundly accuses the British Government of setting a price on the head of Ot1viurn Pain.””—Daily Paper. IF one is to listen to M. pz Brine, To make matters hotter he seems not unwilling ; And, since good understandings he ’s bent on undoing, It is clear that, though Briiine, he doesn’t mean coving. Disappointed. Kuxe Oxo Jumso has gone back to West Africa. He regretted muchly that he wasn’t able to visit Scotland, where he had expected to find heroes of his own colour and a number of his countrywomen : at least, so much he gathered from having been informed that in the Highlands he would see “‘ some fine Moors and several Bonny Lassies.”
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a ene we 40 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 25, 1885, PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT. I MAKE A BID FOR THE PARLIAMENTARY BAR. HAVE not come here to waste x time, which know to be of o= value,” said OUNCER, as he took the chair that Portineton had placed for him, **but to make a proposal which I trust will meet , with your ap- proval, nay, even \ approbation.” This address greatly perplexed me. As a rule, , Bouncer used to talk slightingly of my work in the Temple, and suggest that my briefs were few and far between. Under these circumstances thought it advisable to request Bouncer “‘ not to play the fool.” " f was never more serious in my life,” replied my visitor ; and then he told me allabout it. Ita that my friend had allowed himself to be put » as one of the Candidates for the representation of Coachington in the forthcoming Parliament. The matter had been managed for him by Liwser, of the firm of Snaprsnotr, LrmBeEr, anD Pocket, who had suggested that I should be asked to veneer gr them on their next visit to the borough in search of support an enthusiasm. I confess I felt flattered, the more ially as the name of the firm was not on the list of my clients. It was docidediy grattying to learn that I had been singled out by a distinguished body of Solicitors as an advocate whose oratory was likely to have weight with an enlightened constituency, such as, no ont, Cones happened to If I made a favourable impression, it might lead to work at the Parliamentary Bar, under the patronage of the vene- rable Mr. Syappsnort and his less elderly ers. **T wonder why Mr. Liwser should have thought of me!” I mur- mured, with a smile. ‘* No doubt I must have met him in consulta- tion when he was instructing Counsel representing parties having kindred interests to my own.’ ‘* Well, I rather fancy the idea originated with me,” said Bouncer. ‘*Loweer told me that our meetings required freshening up, and asked me if I knew anyone who would do. I mentioned you. He replied he had never heard of you.” “*Dear me!” I exclaimed, surprised and hurt—‘‘ he said that he had never heard of me?” ‘* Yes. Then I told him who you were, and he said all right, we would announce you as ‘ the distingui Barrister from London,’ and that perhaps that ‘ might wake them up a bit.’ So I hope you will come and help me.” I accepted the invitation, feeling that it was high time that Mr. Luvzer should, by practical experience, be able to judge of my — OUNCER was met at the station by his agent on the afternoon of the day we had arranged for our descent upon Coachington. Mr. Limper was sharp and smart, and about fifty. His face fell when he saw me, “Hallo!” he exclaimed. ‘“‘ Is this Mr. Brreriess ?” ‘“* Yes, Sir,” I replied, with dignity, looking him full in the face through my spectacles, ‘‘ my name ts BRreFiEss! ” ‘* No offence,” — Mr. Liwser. ‘‘ Dare say it will be all right. Only I know them better than you. They are a rough lot.” It appeared that, on this account, both Bouncer and his agent had supplied themselves with a thick overcoat apiece (utterly un- suitable to the time of year), to be assumed in case of need, which might be tersely interpreted as in case of brick-bats. During the journey down, my two ar compared notes about the details of the election. So far as I could make out from their conversation Bouncer was the unpopular Candidate, and found it very uphill work in opposing his political antagonist, Mr. CHEsTERFIELD Sparrow. When we reached our destination, Lixeer (who until this moment had been on the easiest terms of familiarity with his principal) got out of the train, and with exaggerated deference assisted Bouncer to alight. Bouncer smilingly walked down the platform, and shook hands with the collector who asked for his ticket. He also shook hands with the clerk in the booking-office ; also with the station -master. “Very sorry, Gentlemen,” said the last-named official, “but I have not been able to ft you anything better than Merton's waggonette. I suspect that Mr. Cuxsterrietp Sparrow has given them the tip to let you have nothing else. But such as it is—there it is.’ ** How about the band ?” asked Liwser. ‘The drum is still eC sober, Sir,” replied the Station-master cheerfully, ‘and he will pull the others through, you may depend upon it.” « Thus encouraged, Bouncer, Lowper, and I left the platform and walked into the street. Our appearance was greeted with yells of disapprobation from a body of roughs, who had evidently been look- ing out for us. Liwser, with much presence of mind, signalled to the drummer to play up» and the tumult was drowned in strains of music, which became louder and louder as the other performers emerged one by one from a neighbouring publichouse. Bouncer was bowed into a waggonette (which, as compared to other vehicles of the same class, was as a Herne Bay bathing-machine is to a Lord Mayor’s coach) with marked courtesy by Limper and myself. The remaining places were then immediately occupied by sons of toil in corduroys and shirt-sleeves. The unpopular Candidate immediately shook hands with them, and with ourselves on the box, drove off as rapidly as possible to the place of meeting—a field about a quarter of a mile from the railway station. The crowd followed us hooting. ** {t is all right,” exclaimed Limser, triumphantly, when we had pulled up ; ‘‘ he has come after all!” The person whose arrival had given the Solicitor so much satisfac- tion, was a short, stumpy-looking, red-faced little man in a pot hat. He climbed into the waggonette, and touching his hat respectfull to Bouncer, entered into explanations seemingly having to do wi his advent. The driver of the waggonette in the meanwhile descended, and was holding the head of the horse—an extremely venerable creature, quite a Montefiore of its species—and we were surrounded by some two hundred persons. Bouncer took off his hat, and was greeted with prolonged howling, tempered with the stentorian cheers of the still sober and always conscientious drummer. “I am much affected, Gentlemen, by this reception,” cried Bouncer, at the top of his voice, “‘ it is most gratifying, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.” . h was inaudible, and delivered From this point, Bouncer’s in dumb show. However, that ER explained to me) was of no moment, as a written copy of it had been brought down from town and — in the hands of the reporter of the local paper. ** Not a single egg this time, and scarcely a dozen cab stalks |” exclaimed Luwser, greatly pleased, when Bouncer had yelled back into his seat. ‘‘On my word, I do believe we are popular! And now, Sir, you will hear our pet speaker.” he stumpy red-faced little man held out his hand, as if aski for attention. Ina moment the crowd became silent, and liste intently—a few would-be noisy individuals being promptly subdued with an angry exclamation of ‘‘ Hold your row!” The orator (for he was a born orator) delivered one of the most eloquent s I have ever heard. He spoke to the people as one of themselves. He pictured his poor but happy home, with his good wife and loving children awaiting his return from his daily toil. ‘‘ I am one of your- selves, my lads,” he cried, “‘and I feel for you. Yes, my lads, I, like you, earn my bread by the sweat of my brow! I, like you, glory in the name—grander that of any Duke or Earl—of _an honest, fair-handed, warm-hearted, liberty-loving, foreigner-scorning English —yes, English, my lads—English working-man !”’ 4 his sentiment was received with thunders of applause, amidst which I asked Luwser for some account of the s er. ** He is called Welsher Dick,” shouted the Solicitor into my ear, “‘has been warned off nearly every race-course in the United King- dom, and is at present making a precarious livelihood by acting as assistant chucker-out in a low-class gambling-house. The first time I saw him he was in the dock of the Old Bailey, being tried for nearly killing his wife with a quart-pot.” Taken completely by surprise by this very unexpected answer, I could only stare in the depth of my astonishment. **Welsher Dick” finished his speech amidst t and general applause, and then it was LiuwseEr’s turn to to the audience. But no, they would not hear him ; and once more there was an exhi- bition in dumb show. “y thought so,” said Limper to me, with some bitterness, as he retired. ‘‘ They have heard me before! Besides, wy Ay~ to see what you are like! Mind, as they are a rough lot, that you don't offend them. You had better begin at once—nothing irritates them more than being kept waiting.” ; Thus urged, I put on my spectacles, took off my hat, and smiled. I was received with roars of laughter. I raised my hand, and the clamour increased threefold. was met with insulting cries reflecting on my personal appearance, gratuitous advice to go home, and ironical inquiries for my autobiography. Rhy et ‘* Friends,” interposed Welsher Dick, at the instigation of Lowser, “‘ you have been promised a distinguished Barrister from London—here he is. I ask you as one of youernves, 0 a working man like yourselves, as one of the e, to let him have a ps hearing.” The mob gave the speaker cheers. While this was a
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oh | BSea FATNESS eas Ses TT & SOM BE SHRAR Set ee Be = ES AT SS vo ees ~ SS87S - io ses Fee EBSBea SBES B Jour 25, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 41 going on I tried to pull myself together and collect my thoughts. It suddenly struck me that I , ye my add. ee rp ed recounting an ween an aris and an a in whi the temas, of course, would ultimately be worsted by the latter. I settled that the aristocrat should commence the dialogue by ex hag Sa eeee te Sa ciees to watch be cppenent belonged. So when cheers had subsided, and the audience were eagerly waiting for my first words, I was ready with my opening. “T hate,” said I, with much heartiness, in my assumed character used, and for the first time looked around. The sea of faces +] frightened me, and I lost my nerve. In a moment all I had arranged to os en one my mind became a blank. About what sppened next I have never been quite clear. I have a lively recollection of something hitting me on the head and smashing in my hat, and I distinetly remember that there was an angry yell. Then me | fancy th tte must have been taken by storm. All I know for certain is that I was conveyed to the police-station, after a very gallant rescue, executed by a picked body of county cons : “If you will wait a little, Sir,” said the Inspector, ‘we can smuggle you out the back way just before the train starts, and land you in a carriage before they can get at you.” This difficult and dangerous programme was successfully carried out. On reaching home I was upbraided by my wife, who was greatly put out because I had lost my watch other articles of value. This was hard to hear, but the ingratitude of Bouncer was harder—from that day to this he has never once thankell me for the support I gave him when he was unsuccessfully seeking election at Coachington. As for SwappsHorr, Liwper anp Pocket they do not seem to have any Parliamentary business, if I may judge rom he otherwise unaccountable omission of their names in my Fee- Book. A. Brrercess, Junior. “THE RING AND THE BOOK.” Norges rrom Our Own SprorrTsMan. (Specially Engaged for the Forthcoming Important Events.) Srr,—You are right. In these days Racing cannot be neglected. Not a Journal but has at least a column per diem devoted to the moble sport,—and you, Sir, must not be behindhand in the race. To-morrow is the Leicestershire Cup Day. Having exceptional means of knowledge at my command, your readers will do well to keep their eyes open, and, if they only read me aright, there will be ich men among them before to-morrow’s sun his course has run. Now to begin, and, as the Ghost in Hamlet says, ‘‘ Mark me.” If Royal Fern runs generously, and puts all his legs into it, I should not be inclined to look beyond him for the winner,—that is, I am bound to say, if he holds his own to the last, and does not allow himself to be collared by an antagonist,—though of this I have no fear whatever, as long as his Jockey keeps the others at a respectful distance, and puts on the spurt at the right moment. Should Prism realise m high opinion of what ought to be, as I was saying to his owner, ‘‘ his more than excellent qualities,” then there will not sit down a happier party to supper on Thursday night than the backers of the son of Uncas. He is ridden by Watts, who is a true artist, and refused a Baronetcy the other day—more power to his elbow— though, at the same time, he must not presume too much on the Bunbury Mile and Gosforth Park victories, which only demonstrate the necessity of still keeping him well ahead of all the others, if he is to fulfil the anticipations of his best friends. In the London Clubs, up to late last night, was heard a cry of Despair, which, as I remarked at the time, was very like a wail. For my part I, personally, put no faith in these obiter dicta, as I am sure that if the offspring of See-Saw can only once get the lead, no matter when, in the course of the race, and having once obtained it manage to retain it until he passes the Judge’s box, the chances of his opponents will be reduced to a minimissimum. The ‘‘ Cognoscenti,”’ who flatter themselveson knowing stable secrets, whisper in my ear that, should Reine Blanche come ing in two lengths ahead of the Duke of Richmond, and give the * go by: to.Prism, Despair, the Eastern mperor, and the she will then be as certain of taking the _— as if it were now in her owner’s hands. I confess I am more or ess of this opinion myself, and shall not be surprised if the result proves my surmise correct. Let those laugh last who win, say I, and if all the others are not in it at the finish with the fair scion of the at of RorHEREILL, she will have the chuckle all to her own eet self. ‘tld Thyme is a scenter of attraction to those who ‘‘ know a bank” and can draw on it to any amount; I fancy there be some of the friends of the Lowlander’s family who will have a “ wild time” of it should TomirNson come in at head of the poll, a not altogether impossible event, nor even improbable, under certain conditions, to which I can do no moré than allude, ‘‘ without prejudice,” as the lawyers say, The Duke of Richmond is « game and generous horse, so generous as to be able to give Sst. 2lbs. to almost any other in the field if he liked, but if they follow my advice in this matter, his owner will do nothing of the sort. Axcier rides him, and if, at the last moment, he does not allow him to yield his front to number two, be it Prism, Corunna, or any other runner” that ma happen be next him, but brings him in, as they say, oshuuedater geren™ mism will be useless, and to his crown, or, as I to then might say, if the horse’s colour permitted it, another bay to his of the prejudiced aristocrat, ‘I hate the working-man.” Here I|lanrels Corunna = ia nen op eugueach bo 0 containty as these is on the the right moment, as in such cases position is everything. t, for she wants pushing, at lama without Barnacles,—but me, with the exceptional Seowied * “oe Verbum the owledge say. “ Ver sap,” as t has it, for all ail 4 of ‘ Taking ’em_ , and giving one last look round, | still stick to my gy for the Leicestershire Cup, which cheers but does not inebriate true sportsman, and, bar l’imprévu, I think those of your readers who shall follow m advice wil! have ‘no canse to complain, or to be in the least dissatisfied i with the forecasts of The Old Hermitage. PEEPER THE HERMIT. WHY I DID NOT WIN THE QUEEN'S PRIZE. (By the Man with a Grievance at Wimbledon.) Becavse I did not allow enough for the wind in my first Because I allowed too much for the wind in my second. shot, pecans Se wink em ee er a race 6 Sie Siseainge, Because there was no wind at all in the last. Because someone spoke to me just as I was going to fire. Because the marker must have been dozing. Because, although carrying everything off at other meetings, I was not in form in Surrey. Because my rifle was out of order. Because one can never trust the Government ammunition. Because I had the worst position at the ; Heclital Were wes something wrong with Because, hadn’t it been in each case for : “ers in the world, I should in each stage have highest possible.” , finally, for the most conclusive reason imaginable,—some other fellow got it! Chant of Sir Thomas Thornhill, Bart. (Arn—“ Then farewell my trim-built Wherry.”’) Ten farewell my three-lined whippy, Three-lined whippy fare thee well ; Never more, while Ranpotrx’s hippy, Shall your Tuomas “‘ urgent” at A Short Farewell. Srr,—As I see that Mr. Cement Scorr has written some appro- priate lines for Mr. and Mrs. Bancnort’s farewell, that will have already taken place by the time this letter finds its way into print, I will not send you capital set of verses 1 had done for the occasion. Suffice it to say that I had brought in even the Conductor and Scene-shifters that flourished under opened thus :— ** How much did B. and Mrs. B. Improve the shining Ours !"’ able management, and There is a lot more, but perhaps, under the circumstances, that will do for the present, from your Obedient Servant, Warts-n1s-Name, Derby’s Diagnosis. Eant Dersy is not going to cry peceari ! Holding that to be cool is to be clever, He deems that all this fuss about the Navy Is nothing but Hay fever. ‘Sr J. E. Mrunais,” says the St. James's Gazette,‘ is another portrait of Mr. Guapstows. It will be smaller than on two Mr. Gaaperes b7 tho come Ante 4 How e su’ t would patvine wee ! after being Baronetted ppose that i tess if ade a Duke, Mr. G.’s portrai have bee sk panailioat dcansiane. to a mere sketch of the
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a 42 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. [Jury 25, 1886, " oe RST 7 ae 4 apa 8 Vin 4pe” as tu LAYING IT ON TOO THICK. ‘How LOVELY YouR WIFE Is LOOKING To-paAyY, Str Georazs! I’vVE BEEN ADMIRING HER ALL THE AFTERNOON!” “* A—A—SHE 'S ONLY JosT come!” Their Department being that one upon which our fate must hinge, “ALL AT SEA!” ot course ony spon. ne’er gives pd a twinge. ia , ey are game to spend our money, and investigation smother, ArrenD, all ye who love to hear how England is befooled ! And they answer awkward questions with that smasher, ‘ You're There was a time when ocean’s waves, it was supposed, she ruled ; Bane ny Ruled! Quite a farce, of course, although in issue somewhat solemn ; With a tow-row-row ! How may she hope to ry niaeees cannot rule a column ? An Admiralty Anser is a settler, you ’ll allow. ith a tow-row-row! Brrranwi4’s old monopoly of course is all bow-wow. Yet there were some artless innocents among the sons of men Who fancied e’en an Admiralty a could hold a pen ; Her memory dwells on gallant Netsow with affection fond, That though looking on the muddling of our Navy as a lark, But how about the Admiralty, that deep Slough of Despond ? He must have the common gumption of a thirty-shilling clerk. There pride must knuckle under, and there patriot hope must sink, With a tow-row-row ! And a chain, they say a) me stron ger than its very weakest link. A ridiculous delusion which is dissipated now. ith a tow-row-row ! To expect a Whitehall windbag to be very nigh as clever If that be so, how precious weak must be our Empire now ! As a common counter-jumper rf Oh! that wouldn't do, no, never ! Ho, for the chartered dunderheads who lord it at Whitehall ! b yd poy up a column a /a Cockgr or a u The ae Fools” had moves soe a y=" And it o—- uall ve to goa some om nove gun — so! t ts ’ -row- What, what is ike to he — = if that yon don’t get the sack ? A blunder of a Million will soon alter that, you know. a 2 tow-row-row | When they give free education, as the School Board want to do, To Davy Jones’s Locker ao will take us straight, I trow. An Admiralty buffer, with a snug four-figure “‘ screw,’ They never, never deviate into sense, these noble swells ; af ode te dee Any ; two and two make four ; : ae their | aad my == oS startled po quate. ‘th « tow-row-row | ‘ nglorious per anner of our shame ‘ : aoe ! (To modify Macavzay) i is the basis of their fame. What, a Swell be “‘ good at figures” ? That is playing it too low! a tow-row-row ! And a very pretty fi igure we, in consequence, eo cut! A garland of right thistles should invest each noble brow. Joun Butt, your Admiralty is a reg nut, But if you don’t soon ped it, you trust tyonr eee. P. Their business being meneging our Navy—save the mark |— That it is not Whitehall only ¢ will soon ~ o— een ships ne they ’re always in the dark. a a . oe a tow-roM-r0W got to . at stande’ unreason, and unreason is their guide, ways same erhaps so. But you’ve change it now! ~~“ note my strictly stuck to,’s “Shut your eyes, and let With a tow-row-row! Sre R. Lorp-Luvpsary takes the ite, st of ie Wantacr, Ass Hooray for ‘‘ Rule of Thumb,” lads, and the law of ‘‘ Anyhow” ! Tennis-player might say, ‘‘’ Wantage to him
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PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juy 25, 1885. »/ Ve Sy} h : emcee 2 Sant WA ~~ SS “NS Sys ‘Hy whe ALT WA, OF Z 7 -, 4 Dp A Vig li iy y Gy A, “ke Ld If te 4, 7 “ig P Ida LY fi jy ij (tA SLL a t i ie “ALL AT SEA!” Barrannia. “OF COURSE I WAS PREPARED FOR MY SHIPS BEING ALL WRONG, BUT I DID EXPECT YOU'D HAVE LEFT THE ACCOUNTS RIGHT.” N-nruee-x (late Purser). ‘BEG PARDON, MA’AM! HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME!!” IT WASN'T ANY FAULT OF MINE IN PARTICULAR,—IT
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wu ee ee Dh et ee ea ee ESE i ll e—“i<i“ ll ‘J
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Jury 25, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 45 LJ baad I Wa vlit LILY i] She Mh! | ih | t a Why y ly AMAT WINE i Na Nii Wa TTP | ‘ Hy HMR LA. ia 1] v] | ri i} NG &. - ‘a \ \" TA irr & — av » | ON AY AI | | /fiy)\ 1G, | | | i) eZee }) wy ““RUS IN URBE.” Fair Equestrian (from the Provinces, her first turn in the Row), ‘‘Goop oractous, SAM! You CAN'T RIDE OUT WITH Mz LIKE THAT! WHERE ARE YOUR Boots AND THINGS f” Country Groom. ‘* Lor’, Mum, I pipn’T BRING ’gm UP. Bor ir DON’T MATTER. NOBODY KNOWS ME HERE!” the change except the Bores of the House ; and, as it is well under- A NEW DEPARTURE. stood that no speech ever changes a vote, the result to the country . would always be the same as under the present dull and dreary Taat most amusing gentleman, the Secretary or Srare For Inp1a, system. shall look forward with great curiosity to see who the never showed a greater amount of audacity, tempered with common self. ing Member will be who will have the pluck and the good sense, than when he introduced an important matter to the House of | .onse to follow this excellent example of the SecreTARY oF StaTE Commons the other night, by saying that he should not occupy the} pop Invi. valuable time of the Members by explaining its various provisions, and the arguments by which they might be supported, as there was = — le ray - _ Times o the previous: woe. ame pat THE “SUPER’S” COMPLAINT. e whole case in far r language than he could hope to use, an , to which he would refer those industrious gentlemen opposite who, (By one soho dosen't ent chanes of sarrying'é a) penal in hand, were awaiting a lengthened statement. The noble| Tae dooce take them Inventions and such like bloomin’ shows, ord then resumed his seat, and, before his opponents could recover | The mischief that they does us all the summer no one knows. Inventions! ! one sees everywhere A type on their bills. re from their profound astonishment, the matter was agreed to. \ e _ This successful attempt opens up a wide field for saving valuable | Rubbish! Arf the things they ’ve time. We will imagine the Financial Member for the City bringing hills. — forward a motion in favour of so altering the incidence of the | To begin with, there’s the cove as takes your money at the door, abominable Income Tax as to discriminate between Income from | That trick ain’t so very new, we’ve seen that done afore ; Land or Consols, and Income from business or profession, or, in| A bun there costs a y like at any other shop, other words, between real and unreal property. The House is look- | They ain’t discov: a lower price for ale or ginger-po —= ing forward with dread to an interminable Essay upon the facts of | If ov found you a blow-out and likewise s the drink, the case, bristling with Statistics, and similar awful nuisances, when | Then hooray for the Inventions, would say all of us, I think. the Hon. Member, with that modesty that so well becomes the | Now, where Caneuiy suck. that gets me all ab , descendant of the ancient Mother, who so loved her dog, informs the | It’s a shameful -up Government job and a regular downright far ay House that the whole subject was treated so admirably fraud. F . ’ lately by the Paper that has the largest Liberal circulation in the | The way they praise them German Bands it nearly makes me sick, world, that he will rest his case on that convincing article, to which | The Guards is enough for me, and so to them I stick, are as ancient as the he refers the CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQUER, who at once replies | Why, the we always take down on oar annual Epping lark that, instead of wearying the House with a number of minute Would give the lot a big drum in and blow ’em bang out of the details, he begs to refer the Right Hon. Gentleman to a most splendid Park. Article that appeared on Monday in the columns of the Paper that | Boats are there, and printing too, are as inventions shown, has the largest circulation in the world, whether Liberal or other- | They prig old N oan and Caxton’s biz, and boss it as their own. wise, in which every statement or argument relied upon by his/| | can’t but think it’s rather hard, we do our best to Right Hon. friend is utterly denied, or ruthlessly annihilated ; upon| The whole year round; a game like this mops up our bread and which the House at once proceeds to a division, and the whole thing cheese. , is settled in about ten minutes ; and as no sane man ever thinks of | The Inventions dries our shows up, and the Guv’nor sore, mays be, reading the Parliamentary Debates in extenso, no one would regret! ‘I hope as this ‘ All Frisky’ Show’s the last as there be.
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Jury 25, 1885, Pure KAP rity 12 ‘7 bah cn 1s “OUR PRINCESS.” Old Lady (from the Country, at the ** Inventions’'), ‘‘Oa, Liza, wHat A SHAME! Tary 'VE BEEN AND TOOK HER AS A CHoRISTER- 3oY NOW ae — SS Loox ! -_- “ARM, ARM, YE BRAVE!” To arm our soldiers with bayonets that bend, and our policemen with truncheons that break, is certainly suggestive of a careful consistency in stupidity. But that is all that can be said for it. Poor Police-Constable Davis might have been inclined to say that, in such a case at least, “‘ consistency is the bugbear of small minds.” Davis had, in the usual way of business, to tackle a pom of armed burglars on a house-top at Kensington. He did it, too, though circumstances placed him at considerable disadvantage. His alarm-whistle, it appears, had been “* called in for cnaeing. or some such routine purpose. It was, therefore, of as little use to him as the ical Danish Whistle to the lover who hadn’t got it. In the second place, his truncheon—being “‘ contract trash ’’—broke in three pieces at the first blow he dealt at his enemy. The consequence was, that Davis got three bullets in his body, and the burglars—who are not, luckily for them, armed by the State—got off. This is highly enoouraging—to the burglars. Law, armed with a rotten truncheon, and minus even its alarm- whistle, can y be much of “a terror to evil-doers.” Is it not high time that the official duffers who suppl our military and civil defenders with ‘‘ contract trash” arms should themselves be ‘ in for stamping ”—with the brand of public disgrace ? BALLAD OF THE PHILAN- THROPIST. Pomona Road and Gardens, N., Were pure as they were fair. In other districts, much I fear. That vulgar shocks the ear, But brawling wives or noisy men Were never heard of there / No burglar fixed his dread abode In that secure retreat, d There were no publichouses nigh, But chapels low and churches high, You might have thought Pomona Road A quite ideal beat! Yet such was not at all the view Taken by B 13; That active and intelligent Policeman deemed that he was meant Profound detective deeds to do, And that repose was mean ' Now there was nothing to detect Pomona Road along,— None faked a cly, nor cracked a crib, Nor prigged a wipe, nor told a fib,— Minds cultivated and select Slip rarely into wrong! Thus, bored to desolation, went The Peeler on his beat, He knew not Love, he did not care lf Love be born on mountains bare ; Nay, Crime to punish or prevent Was more than dalliance sweet ! The weary wanderer, day by day, Was marked , Howarp Fry— A neighbouring Philanthropist, Who saw what that Policeman missed— A sympathetic ‘* Well-a-day!” He’d moan, and pipe his eye. ‘* What can I do,” asked Howarp Fry, ‘To soothe that brother’s pain ? His glance, when first we met, was keen, Most martial and erect his mien, (What ‘‘mien” may mean, I know not, I,) But he must joy again ! **T’ll start on a career of crime, I will,” said Howaxp Fry. He spake and acted! Deeds of bale (With which I do not stain my tale) He wrought like mad, time after time, Yet wrought them blushfally ! And now, when ’busses night by night Were stopped, conductors slain, When youths and men, and maids unwed, Were stabbed, or knocked upon the head, Then B 13 grew sternly bright, And was himself again! Pomona Road and Gardens, N., Are now a name of fear. Commercial travellers flee in haste, Revolvers girt about the waist Are worn by City gentlemen Who have their mansions near ! But B 13 elated goes, Detection in his eye ; While Howanrp Fry does deeds of bale (With which I do not stain my tale), To lighten that Policeman’s woes, Yet does them blushfully ! A rarer Correspondent, who signs herself “Jane Dark,” wants to know ‘“‘ whether it would be correct to describe any one of the Royal Acade: micians, as ‘a Man of Colour ?’” We will inguire.
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Jory 25, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 47 Ail "Ay THE NEW FOURTH PARTY. om iil i Py de ™— —= “a - ee Se \ W | ya ) / ‘ 4 \ hs ; S | by aS c Hi IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FLATTERY. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, July 13.—Grand triumphal entry of Gorst, taking his seat after re-election on becoming SoLictroR-GENERAL. All the forces of the late Fourth Party mus- tered to do honour to occasion. Gorst marched up between RanpoLrn and Wo rr, whilst AktHUR BaLrour beamed on the procession from Treasury Bench. ** Happiest moment of my life,” said Ranpotrn. ‘“‘ All my Party provided for. Little difficulty about Wo.rry, but that will be arranged. Nuisance is, that as we ’ll only be in five months, the dela in gazetting appointment is serious matter. Lost nearly a month’s salary now. ust frighten Beacn. Wish I’d got up, and de- nounced his Budget Scheme the other night ; but soon find another opportunity. Think I’ll take up the Crofters’ Bill, and abuse Beacu for dropping it. That’ll fetch ’em. Wotrr'’s appointment will be gazetted forthwith, and I ’ll stipulate that they s pay him six months’ sa’ in advance.” Questions growing again. Forty-two to-night, which is somethi like old times. CHaPLIN came out strong on Swine Fever. Pacer caked simple question. CHAPLIN produced prodigious roll of manuscript. * Surely, he’s not going to read that ! ” said Hicxs-Bracu, breath- lessly. But he was, and did, not omitting a word. House murmured, coughed, laughed, and y RanpDo.paH kicked him on the calf, and pretended it was AsHmEAD-BartLetTt. But Cuapvin went on wallowing in ae, finishing his oration amid hubbub that made him inaudible. ‘If Coapiun’s going to do this every night,” said Sir Pret, “‘ he must make his answer as Fitz-W yoramM makes his speech.” Fi1z-Wreram’s way certainly novel, and not unattractive. Comes down with speech prepared on matters relating to Army. Has good deal to say in fe mete manner. Knows House of Commons hates long speeches, so has hit upon charming device. On Vote for Men reads a portion of his manuscript, till he observes indications of impatience on part of audience, and feels a little tired himself. Then sits down, and Vote is disposed of. Next Vote on account of Volun- teers’ pay and allowance. Fitz-Wycram catches Chairman’s eye, begins exactly wh«re he left off, and goes on till he hears Members yawning, then pulls up. Even with all diligence couldn’t finish to-night on successive Votes. Found himself at eleven o’clock with five pages of manuscript, and Government consenting to report pr ess. But wasn’t christened FrEpERICK WELLINGTON for nothing. Jidn’t serve through Crimean War without picking up a wrinkle. Dashed in, and began to read. McCoaw jumped up, and insisted on reporting progress. General sat down. Up again when McCoan reseated, “* Often,” said the General, with one eye on the paper, and another on the enemy opposite, ‘‘in these circumstances, horses and camels ie, and become inefficient.” “Order! order!” cried the Chairman. ‘‘ Question is, that I report progress, and ask leave to sit again.” Fitz-Wyeram down like a shot when Chairman rose. Up again as soon as he resu’ is seat. ‘‘ In 1882——” he continued. “Order! order!” cried the Chairman. General now quite bewildered. Only thing to be done was to go on with his manuscript :— ** In 1882 the Infantry soldiers who were sent to Aldershot ’’—— ‘*Order! order!” roared the Chairman. ‘Order! order!” bellowed the Committee; and Firz-Wyoram, holding on to his manuscript as if it were a sword-hilt, sat down, and stared about him with mute request that some one would oblige him by explain- ing what was the matter. Finally, on understanding that Firz- Wreram hadn’t more than five es to read, Motion for progress withdrawn, and the General finished last instalment of speech. Business done.—V otes on Army Estimates. Tuesday Night.—In Lords to-night, Nortuprook very angry about Beacn, who’s been “‘ saying things ” about him in the Commons. The saying amounts to this, that, whereas CuiLpERs reported a saving of Two Millions on Vote of Credit, present Government, when they came into office, found little more than One Million in hand, rest having been disposed of by my Lords of the Admiralty. si very well for NortHsrook to protest and bluster,” says the bland Bramwe.t, “ but where’s the odd Million? Perhaps he’s not personally responsible for it. Accepted what was told him at the Admiralty. But he’d have done better to say he’s very sorry, victim of system and all that kind of thing, and then join Hamittow in vigorous effort to improve system. This blowing out of the cheek and querulous complaint about Bracu is nonsense. y Another cha by Bracn of preparing torpedo-boats without torpedo gear, Nortuproox hotly denounces as ‘one of the most extraordinary naval mares’-nests that had ever been found.” ‘* What’s a naval mares’-nest?” I asked Brassey, who’s just been caught and brought home. _ : ) ‘Don’t quite know. Suppose it’s—er—something to do with a— er—sea-horse, don’t you know.” : Sensible man, Brassey. Overwhelmed with labours at Admiralty. As soon as Ministry resigned went off on a yachting tour and forgot to leave address. Very angry at being brought back. ; ** Good ious, Topsy!” he cried, with unusual access of anima- tion. ‘‘There’s nobody such a—er—fool as to suppose J know anything about the Admiralty. Nice place. Appearance of some- thing todo, Makes one a Minister, and that sort of thing. If we were wrong, glad it was done respectably. None of your low fifty or—er—sixty thousand pounds, but a good Million.” In Commons the most agreeable and satisfactory debate heard for a Jong time. Stannore made statement on introducing Education Estimates, supplemented b ch from MUNDELLA, which shows enormous strides in natio ucation with corresponding beneficial results direct and indirect. ‘ Business done.—Education Estimates in Commons. Thursday Night.—A ch from Cuitpers on Budget; a drearier jm the Right Honourel le Jonw GetireeanD Hvusparp, commonly known as ‘‘ Old Mother Hubbard.” I “‘GELLIBRAND means well,” said the Sage of St. Anne's Gate, “‘ and his manner is impressive. But take him all in all, and putting
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48 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 25, 1885. the matter not without a certain degree of frankness, he is a per- nicious bore.” Nobody had anything particular to say. There is the Budget. We must take it or leave it. If we leave it, what are we going to do? First Appearance of Mr. Gorst as Solicitor-General. ‘One of Us.’’ Not a cheerful business, but saddened ‘sorely by long succession of supererogatory speeches. Only man who sat’all through it was Dicx- Peppre, (Know him well enough now to call him Dick, and a right good fellow he is. The House of Commons loses in him an honest, able, modest man, who does his | and doesn’t blether.) ‘‘ What are you stopping here for?” I ask , as I feebly crawled past, after three-quarters of an hour of CurLpERs and forty minutes of GeLur- BRAND. ‘‘ Is this a new form of committing suicide ?” ** No,” he said, with demoniac gleam of cheerfulness. ‘‘I like it. Suits me admirably. Last day in House. Don’t mean to sit again. Off to New Zealand. Want to get a thorough soaking before | go. Getting it now.” And he turned with unabated cheerfulness to listen to ScLaTER-Booru. Later matters got more lively. Medical Relief Disqualification Bill on. House suddenly filled. Important to get Second Reading stage to-night. Suspicion that ments of Bill would talk it out, strengthened by 1 h from Pert. Then Cottines, to amaze- ment of friends of Bill, turned up. His views on question pretty well known. Been stated half a dozen times already. “Surely not going to risk chances of what is practically his own measure for sake of making another speech ! ” said WiiLs, taking’a Bristol Birdseye view of the situation. Wuo ’s ‘“‘ Wer” now? re executes a savage dance on the Royal but prostrate form of Sir W. “We.”’ Harcourt. (Friday Night, July 17.) ‘Put it down a‘ We.’”’ —Mr. Weller Senior. Bat he was, and did, appropriating good half-hour of the limited time. Lots more to speak. Apparently no chance for Bill till Tatzor suggested that speeches could be made on going into Committee. ** Capital idea,” said Cottines. ‘One or two things I forgot to say just now. I’ll mention them at the next stage.” House so overcome at prospect that ition vanished, and Bill read Second Time. Business Tenant Bill read Second Time. Fri Night. — Parnellites impeach Earl Spencer. Have milena him for three years, without effect. ‘‘ Now,” says PaRneit, “‘new Government in. We brought them in. Don’t work for nothing. Let them give us SpenceR’s head on a charger.” Government in painful dilemma. Must meet the demands of Allies; but how can they, the Constitutional party, openly join with the Land-Leaguers, and strike blow at late ~~ of Queen in Ireland? Something must be done, so Beach promises that CaRNARVON shall try the Maamtrasna affair over again. J ** Pleasant evening you’ve had,” I said to Bracu, after it was over. Which was the most pleasant ponent, the bantering of Har- court, the reproach of Bropericx, the rebuke of Cuartes Lewis, the high scorn of Hartrneton, or the ae of Tim Heaty ?” ‘* Well, to tell you the truth, Tony,” he , with a wearied sigh, “it was when Tim Heaty was patting me on the back that I most bitterly wished I'd resisted the temptation to betray NorTHcorer.” Business done.—None. A CASE OF HEARTLESS CRUELTY! A PERFECTLY trifling error of about £850,000 in the accounts of the late Board of Admiralty was made so much of, as if such a thing had never happened before, and such a very unusual fass was made about it, that it was thought desirable that the late First Lord and the late Secretary should attend in Parliament and give some sort of explanation to those low fellows ‘“‘ who want to know, you know.” But neither of those illustrious ex-officials was in Town. The ex-First-Lord had a pleasant engagement in the ey which would probably detain him for about a week, when he would return and see all about it. But where was the ex-Secretary? and echo answered, where? Most men who know that pleasant and popular ntleman know full well what would be his course of action irectly he was released from the boredom of office. A telegram would fly with lightning speed to his trusty Captain, and he would follow the pleasant telegram on the wings of an express train to the haven of his beautiful Yacht ; he would at once rush on board, weigh anchor, spread the white sails to the fair breeze and though y remembering to forget to leave his address, Nag away anywhere, anywhere, so that it was direct from Whitehall. And so it turned out, but his heartless ex-colleagues with a refinement of cruelty seldom equalled, never surpassed, forwarded telegrams to every place at which he might possibly touch, urging his immediate return on most urgent public affairs. We may endeavour but in vain to fancy what his feelings were when he found awaiting him at the very first — he rashly entered an awful-looking telegram such as we have escribed, adding too, possibly, that there was a little matter of £850,000 deficiency in the accounts which it was desirable should be cleared up. His first thought, doubtless, was to write a little cheque for the amount, but as that would have been pleading guilty to some slight inadvertence, it was at once abandoned. We most of us know something of the aagunae used by our Jack Tars, and even by those who only occasionally go down to the seain ships of their own, when anything of a particularly annoying cha- racter ruffles their usually serene temper; so we would rather not have to record the nautical expressions that probably fell from Sir Tomas Brassey’s lips when he had fully fathomed the full meaning of that terrible telegram. Oh, the contrast of those two short runs! In the first we can imagine the rapture of the escaped Secretary, as his beautiful Yacht ran before the wind, and bore him swiftly away from boredom and anxiety. And then suddenly finding himself bound in honour to *bout ship and return, as the Judge says, to the place from whence he came, and enter upon a tedious and troublesome inquiry that cannot bring him honour and may bring blame. And in such weather too! The punishment seems awfully severe, and everyone who knows his genial nature will cordially wish him a speedy release, and a swift return to that summer sea that he loves so well. Our Annie, Ovr ANNIE was sorry and sad ; Alas, for her sweetheart she waited. He came, and she sighed, ‘* I’m so glad.” They married. She’s now ANNIE-mated. PRELATE AND PRIMROSE. Tue wind is in course of being raised for the formation of a Bishopric of Wakefield out of the Bishopric of Ripon. Wakefield has risen to importance suflicient for aSee. ‘‘ The Primrose ” ought to oppose any such design. Imagine a Bishop of Wake ! Impossible. The Vicar of Wakefield can have no superior. ** Lixe a Brap.”—“ Trauru,” said Mr. Foxcn-Harron, the other night, ‘“‘is one of the prime necessities of political life.” The Hon. Member should ‘surely be re-named Ca#4rr-Frxcu-Harron ! He must have been joking ! @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by @ Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless ascompanied Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders.
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Juux 25, 1885, QUEEN. = These Waters continue to be supplied to the |; | ) CAUTION.—The genuine are protected by Labels bearing “ Fountain” Trade Mark, and all |; Corks branded “J, SCHWEPPE & Co,” =, GOLD MEDAL. SODA WATER. POTASS and LITH GINGER ALE, DRY and MALVEEN SELTZER WATER LEMONADE, TA Wa BT. LIBERTY CHAMPAGNE. TISSOT FRERES’, Vuirtaex 1880, 57s. and 66s. per Dozen. SOLE AGENTS, LIBERTY & CO., Spring Gardens, Charing Cross. PRIZE MEDAL WHISKY of the CORK DISTILLERIES CO., LIMITED. gx PRIZE MEDALS FOR IRISH WHISKY Prize ~- -¥ “Gold Ja Medal, Paris, | dney , 1879 ; Three Prise Philadelphia, 1876 ; First Prize Medal, bydn Medals, Cork, 1 “VERY fine, fall flavor and ood Spirit.”—Jurors’ Award, Philadelphia Centennial Exhibition, 1876. “Us QUESTIONABLY as fine a specimen as one could wish to see.”’— Jurors’ Award, Cork Exhibition, 1683. THIS FINE OLD IRISH Ww HISKY wey be tad ole Bis wb ine 1 and Spirit [THE CORK Sebi tcares Te sale merch; CO., LIMITED, Morrison's Island, Cork. COLD MEDAL, PARIS } EXINSITION, 1878. KINAHAN’S «run crnax PURE. MILD, AND ae 2) Thus, peiiiove inp WHISKY. WHOL ESOMR. THE PRIZE MEDAL, DUBLIN EXHIBITION, 1865, 2, GREAT TITCHFIELD STREET,LONDON, W. LIQUEUR of the GRANDE CHARTREUSE. This excellent Liqueur, the great preventive of Choleraic Attacks and also for Indiges- tion, can now be obtained of all Wine Merchants, The late ad vance m the Customs duty not having been maintained, the Liqueur ocurable at prices which bring it within the reach of nearly all classes. Sole Consignee, zE, 2, New Lonpow Srazer, Marx Lane, B.C. SHERRY AND BITTERS.— _ Use KHOOSH BITTERS, the King o' —— diy superseding Orange and all Inether kinds. Can be taken with advantage in all liquids. Marvellous appe petizer. The only Bitters that really promote digestion. DINNER, wm. AND PASSENGER © LI FTS. CLARK, BUNNETT & CO., LIMITED Rathbone Place, W., and 30, King 8t., London, E.C PROSP sks FREE. REVOLVING STEEL SHUTTERS. HIGHEST ys ‘\\ \" co ong EXHIB" 1884) Eetablished 1801. HODGSON’S MINERAL WATERS. Famed for PURITY and EXCELLENCE for nearly a Century. SODA, POTASS, LITHIA, BRIGHTON SELTZER, LEMONADE, AERATED WATER. GINGER ALE, Peepers | with Pure Jamaica Ginger. A delicious verage, for all Seasons and Climates. 2%, BEDFORD STREET, = GARDEN, LONDON, PALATABLE NATURAL APERIENT WATER. THE ONLY A POSITIVE CURE FOR STOMACH, LIVER, AND KIDNEY AFFECTIONS. ‘The best household remedy and specific for CONSTIPATION. Descriptive Pamphiet, with Testimonials, post (ree. Sold by Chemists, }s. 64. and 2s. per bottle. Moecurar Birrenr Waren Comranr, Limited, 38, Snow Hill, London, E.C. TO BE OBTAINED EVERYWHERE. Manufactured by JOHN GOSNELL & CO, London, BOLD BY ALL LUNN’S “achat WORCESTER sc* COLLEGE SAUCE. ,,& “~. 9d, Tas Ricuest axp Ponest Conpiment. NO SALAD I8 PERFECT WITHOUT IT. Manufacturers: THOMAS LUNN & C0., Limited, WORCESTER. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK (PATENT). Delicious flavour. No digestion needed, Highly nutritious. Always ready. A stimulant without slcohol. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK (PATENT). Unrivalied for nutrition. For all whose digestion is weak, invalids, deli- cate children, &c. CONCENTRATED PEPTONIZED COCOA AND MILK (PATENT). Always available asa Restorative and agree- able beverage. SAVORY & MOORE, NEW BOND STREET, LONDON. Tins, 2s. 6d. each, obtainable everywhere. COLD MEDAL, HEALTH EXHIBITION, 1884. TO SMOKERS. BEWLAY’S CELEBRATED INDIAN TRICHINOPOLY CIGARS and CHEROOTS (with Straws “Of peculiarly delicious flavour and rance.”"— 4 Gaaruic, X44, loth, 164. Two Gold Medals. and 18s Bamples, four on five, ls. (1 a ouly by BEW LAY & ©O., 143, ‘Cmeapaide, and trand, London. Established over 100 Years. this testimonial, if it Pll not Trauite” yen, will at least exhibit my gratitude. Tikhe el cures TOOTHACHE, FACEACHE, NEURALGIA, TIC, : Neryous and Sick Headache. “ Safe, Certain, Speedy, t—th dise of all dpeciten hae a pik Jourpalis " i - “ Tikbeel,” price 2s. é¢., of all Chemist, GOLD 1 MEDALS DUBLIN SIR JAMES MORRAY'S FOR ACIDIT IN Dabmenses, HEARTBURN, GRAVEL, AND Gout. FLUID MAGNESIA. The Inventor's Pure Original Preparation ls. Hotties almost Double usual size. Sin Jaues Meusaat & Bon, Temple Street, Dubdlia, Barnctat & Bons, Farringdon Street, London , 1863; BOSTON, EXHIBITION rr Tea Untvensatty Parscarsep st tas Facoutr. TAMAR INDIEN CRILLON. A laxative and refreshing Fruit Lozenge for CONSTIPATION, Hemorrhoids, Bile, Headache, Loss of Appetite, Cerebral Oongestion. Pre @, QUEEN STREET, CITY, LONDON. and a % usual a. rein, LS nterferes wi th business or jw Sty - 2s. 6d, ebex eT DINNEFORD'S MACNESIA.| For ACIDITY or ras STOMACH, HEARTBURN, HEADACHE, GOUT, and INDIGESTION. Aut Cusuurts. Gold aS FORINFANTS SAVORY & MOORE. LON & OF CHEMISTS &c ie EVERYWHERE? fmt Fry’s Guaranteed perfectly pure Cocoa only. NINETEEN PRIZE MEDALS. Extract, Cocoa a; STEEL JOSEPH GILLOT' PENS “FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE.” CLARKE’S WORLD-FAMED BLOOD MIXTURE. Is warranted to cleanse the blood from ai! ~ rom whatever cause arising. For Serefula, Beurv Sores ofall kinds, Skin and Nigod Diseases ite eff are at ya Th = rs n bottles 2. $4 Tey ty / imes we uantity, Lis. t ofall Chemists. Sent for 3% or 132 stom y Tue Lincous ax Miptano Cc tH te Compawt, Lincoin. ed HAIR.—ROBARE’S AUREOLINE produces the beautiful Golden Cqlour so much admired. Warranted rfectly Rarinione Price ol pri Trey Perfumers and World. Agents, ~" es pew & Bons, 31 and rr erners treet, Lon , Ww. MORSON’S Preparations oF PEPSINE, 322% ne iar and INDICES l 10N. ., ® " ¢ be. 6d, and 4s. 64.; les, 2s., Se. 6d., and 6s, 6d,: and Powder, in los. Sotties, at de. cach, Bold by all Chemists. The poputests Pepsine has juired as otpeste gone rene “yerenae indigestion &c., ue to the fact that possible pr top duction of the active principle ike aff other ve of stomach. Unfortunately, ike other lahtly tions of a like nature, Pepsine AT been an ol discredited b spurious manufactures bathe been issued from time to time, it is Cuovetens neoee ain ot its efficacy, Ww ere that each THE NORMAL DIURETIC APERIENT Mineral VW ly / {\
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| NN RRR = nea PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jouty 25, 1885. HEAL & SON. BEDSTEADS. BEDDING. BED-ROOM FURNITURE. SUITES, from &3. EASY CHAIRS, from 35s. COUCHES, from | 70s. CATALOGUE FREE BY POST. 195 to 198, TOTTENHAM COURT ROAD, LONDON.