Punch 1885-07-18: Vol 89 Iss 2297

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NOW READY.— The HALF-YEARLY Volume of “PUNCH” /| (Volume 88), containing the Nos. from JANUARY to JUNE, 188s, in brown cloth, sprinkled edges. Price 8s. 6d. All the preceding Volumes, 1 to 87, are to be had in the same binding and at the same price. (PUNCH OFFICE, #5, FLEET ST., BC _ POSS, ~* 4H] Al! 7, A : py ad SS i WW hr : = al 4 =, SNe ‘ Y WV) 1 ' I Sy iat mn ie = Lt Mi if = . ha hes | ! PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. "SBONAd B3IHHL F3Oivd a ae a A UNTER anes s- — eet iT LAV! Se MA) See nT ie I pl: . x & Kine t Sn ‘ aU) . . | “i AG AN “ Fre x es PNY NN ATP NASON) Neca 4 ai)\ G3) rk Nb 1H\ Mm Sh mi Ailil\,, ay A /, , , HN 4) ~. ‘, c aan Ke ¥ c H ma, ATS. Ky Wage PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, . . @R AZ hoe: Ss ND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. COMPLETE SETS of “PUNCH,” from 1841 fo 1884, elegantly bound In blue cloth, giit edges. 44 Yearly Volumes. “Special Price, £26 4s. Also, the Library | Issue,” in 22 Double Yearly Volumes, strongly f bound in Leather; gilt edges, 1841 to 1884. £22 178. (PUNCH OFFICE, %, FLEET ST. RG Registered at the General Post Office as « Newspaper.)

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sw Ss ww IF ree Seas Jury 18, 1885.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 35 WIMBLEDON WHIMSICALITIES. (By Dumb-Crambo Junior.) A Member of the National Rifle Association. Firing Suspended. “ Wearing Ca s on the Elbows is not allowed.”” (Zztract, Regulations.) Sight Elevator. with use of Spirit Level. e.. NOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER. Iv there's wan thing as I likes more than another its wariety, and thinks [ am bound in honner to say as [ gits plenty on it. Ona unday I seed sitch a scene as I never seed afvre, and can scarcely ope Lever to see again. yen Royal Hiness the Prince of HALES, and her Royal and butiful Hiness the Princess of the same, nd amest all the Royal Famerly, cumming to Guildhall to see the oothful Prince—who ewery y calls by a different name, but ho I allus means to , oon it was King Enparp of memmery as foundered blooming Billinsgit, the pride of the on’s Art, but this buy the bay—go through what. will probberbly be the most importentest ewent of his long rain, wen it comes, which may it be a long wileoff! namely taking up his free- dom in the Grate City! Ah, was summut like a site, that was. I wunee did good Mr. Ho the Liberaryan, a little service in gittiog him a nice plate of clear turtel wen he was jest about dun up with ard work, so he t» eqneedge me into the batiful Libery jest before the royal party cum. So | seed it all. The fust thing as struck me was startlin fack, that as a King EpparD made fust and noblest of all Fish Markets, and the Prinee of W aaLes natrally took a in t in it, as his honnerd name wood suggest, so his yoothfal Son and Bair insisted on being made a herp atore he pm a - ei ag Bat bar, oe wanes all that was n+ to un, Pringe or no Prince. @ Loup Mare is that partickler fe all these most himyortant matters, that before Eppakp to swear loyelty to and titel of Fow.er the Sod, he as was wot he said he was? This must ha bin a awful ent in the life of the young Fish- munger! But he need not bia here was no less than four bloom’ Counselmen ail clothed in butiful blew dresses, as boldly stood jest a leetle pail with their awful responserbillyty, and they knowed him to be of good fame and was the reel son of his Father and Mother! Ah! to see the butiful quiet smile of that prowd and butiful mother was summat to ret , even after dinner, and as for the Prince of Watzs he larfed as if he thort it was a “*Iihen the a e same four bold counselmen, to show as how they was in reel ernest, ought to have shouted out ‘‘and so say all of us,” but they were that nervous that they all made a mistake and sed ‘‘ and oo wa say”! witch I shood call quite a new wersion of a werry old chorns. Well, then follered one of the werry commiclest seens as I hever seed. Whether the Lonp Maze knowd as I was in a grate urry and wanted to be off to Chingferd to wait on the Plummers company, of coarse I don’t no, but I don’t suppose as dy hever seed a mug- oiffisent for about 900 Princes and Princesses and other immi- ment swells, polished off at sitch express speed as that ere one was. Why, the hole copious Maynew and all the warious toasteses, and all the gratefool ansers to’em, was all got through in about a hour! Dida’t sum of the reglar old uns jest grumbel at wot won on ‘em called this most onnaturel aste, a reg’ lar waist of good wittles ¢ Some of the lady wisiters was grately disappinted, for d’recly the royal famerly left the All, about harf a duzzen pleacemen marched in and stood gard over the Royal Table. So there was no oppertunity for them to show their gushing Loyalty by warking off with the flours and the frute as Royalty bad left. 1 dessay the Copperashun knos best, but, tho’ I’m only a humbel Waiter, I caru’t help saying as that anythink in the natur of urry is quite out of sorts with reel peveley, ona no more agrees with it than Shampane agrees with ur p. So much for Munday, Royalty and urry and grumbling. But on Weosday, down at Inwentorys, I asisted at a werry diffrent scene. There wasn’t no Royalty to be sure, but there was Nobilerty and there was and there was Literytoor, and there was Beauty to give Phillips to the wits—one on ’em sed as the ladies was like the new Cabs, oll Mantes and no Growlers—and as helligant a maynu as the most fastidgeous Alderman could reqwire. warn't no there, quite the con , for the wit was so keen, and the fun and charf was so jolly, and eloomenated fountings and trees aud gardings was so evenly, that all the werry full drest and ansom and appy compenny lin and lingerd on till they was amost locked in. I couldn’t quite e out wot it was all about, bat I think it was « kind of hexperyment jest to see if a ekler nice set of peeple outs’ es together pretty cumferabel without no Tostes and no speaches It was, of course, a werry bold atempt to make. and required a man with the ordassity of a Nite Templer to do it, bat he did it, and it's sucksess may make a nearer in the istory of Diving. I'm oatrally myself werry mach awerse to all change iu this most important of all hearthly matters, wun never nose where it’s to stup. I wunce herd of a bawful idea to employ nun but dum waiters! so that they eouldn’t hear not nothink as was sed, but it never came to nothink. Bat most suttenly, to my simple natur, dinner without vo Toast seems abvut as unnateral as Tea without no Shrimps. witch [ suppose as all will allow, is a depth of diggeradation diffivult to conseeve. Rupext, **O Tempora!” Top fibs two years ago? Why, that’s no crime! ies Ranpoira, ** I shan’t think of an apology.” Consistency ’s a mere affair of time And Oonsvience just a question of Chronology ; But surely Truth, to meet new Obligation, Requires a new Statute of Limitations! "%. LXXXIx. D

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26 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Jury 18, 1885, NEVER SAY DIE! Ethel. *‘ Doesn’T IT MAKE YOU FEEL RATHER Sick?” Tommy. *‘ Yes—s-sBor I tics rae Frevine!” Wh, | AN INVITATION. ty vb | (Imitated from, and commended to, the “ St. James's Gazette.’) Og 4 ics | Come, then! and, if you can, Forget the Graud ol Man, His eraft, his cunning, and his casuist tricks, Which he calls polities ; Forego, if but awhile, the bonds and rules With which Dame Party fools The smartest scribes in Town, Making them play the clown. He, for the moment, does not stop the way, So let us have a little frank fair play. The Tories, glad and hale, In Office now prevail ; Young men as Ministers are bursting out ; Lies still are blown about By ragiug Rads inspired by Party spite, Aad Jingoes, fierce for tight. Rat, bless us! Summer's fair, Roses blush every where ; Why keep up a perp-tual fizz and frown ? Come! turn it up, and let the Old Man alone! Since Rawpoipa, smart and young, Rules, backed by Land and Bung, How can we come to any special harm P Has chivalry no charm Eternal nagging, like fool Bottom’s roar, Becomes an awful bore. A truce to shricks and squeals! Poor spirit it reveals To spout perpetual Party Fi-fo-fum. Leave that to duffers; try good temper! Come! Mr. Puncn’s hearty congratulations to Sir NATHANTEL ve KorascaiLp, who, last Tnursday, made his ap - ance as the first Jewish Peer of the Realm in the House of Lords. It is on record that he lo -ked particularly ueat, quite ‘‘ natty,’ in fact. As, according to the vene- rable ancient rite, he took the oath covered, his Lord- sbip might, had he cuo-en to change his name, have assumed the style and title of Lord Hatton, Most ApproprtaTe.—The real Member for Eye should be Mr. CuaitcHeT. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, July 6th.—Parliament met to-day after recess for Ministerial re-eke'i ns. Everybody but Witraw Lawsow in high humour. Wi.rFatip not been home very long, but long enough to diseover he cau’t trust the new Government. So gives notice of a Vute which, if carried, would turn them out. . You weren’t particularly fond of the last Government,” I said to him. “Precisely. But that only shows how entirely free I am from prejudice.” In the Lords, the Markiss deferential and conciliatory. Appeals, with tear in his eye, to Lord Kimpeatvy to bear witness that he never meant to postpone Dissolution. Kimpertey bears witness accordingly. Carnarvon, the new [rish Lor - Lieutenant, announees Government don't intend to renew Cvercion Bill. **] say, Asupovensr,” said Lord Casrieiows, addressing a gen- tleman with white hair, ruddy fase, and ready smile, * ixn’t this a little odd ? S-ems uncommonly like as if the Marki-s was going to adopt policy advocated by CaamBentaiw and Ditke aud found too —— for the Liberals. But that eam't be. Yuu'd never stand at * Why not?” said the new Peer, with look of bland inquiry. “ Why, I've heard you ia the other Huuse hint at awful things if Graperons let the Overeion Act lapse.” ; ** Pooh, ! dear boy, you are discussing two entirely diff-rent persons. That was Eowarp Gipson you are ing about, and yeu are talking to Lord Asmsovrss.” The MeCuipem Mors watched with sardonic smile interchange of courtesies between the two Front Benches. General disposition to slide over cireumstances attending change of Misistry; desire to make things comfortable all round. “ That’s all very well for to-night,” said The MoCurrem Mozrz, ‘‘but on Friday I’ll see if 1 can't make things more lively.” Accordingly, gave notice to *‘ call attention to circumstances attend- ing change uf Administration.” In Commons, BuaDLaven appeared, positively for the last time in the history of this Parliament. Affair eye > ‘*1f the House is comiog down to this,” said Sergeant-at-Arms pulling off pearl-grey gloves, ‘‘sooner it’s dead and buried the better. Here I have been practising the waltz step this morning with the thermometer at eighty in the shade, bought new gloves, put on best pumps, and BaapLaves walks up and down the House like ordinary Christian ! ” God deal of speech-making, interspersed with little promenading by Brapiaves. But whole affair very tame. ATTORNEY-GENERAL made maiden speech. Great hit was his allusion to Harpinee GiFrrarp as ‘‘ keeper of QueEN's conscience.” Pretty to see WxB- srex’s look of astonishment when House laughed. Hadn't meant to make a joke, and hasn t yet seen it. Business done.— Thirty-four Votes in Committee of Supply. One notice uf Vote of Censure. Tuesday.—Most affecting scene to-night; scarcely a dry eye on the crowded benches. GLapstTone heen talking in kind and gracious manner abont new Ministry; RixpoLpu, with voice trembling with emotion, throws himself on Oid Man's breast, and discluses his long- airs+m bled love. ‘* Most con-id-sid-siderate,” he says, through his sobs. ‘‘ Most mag-mag-magnumimous,” Sume people had hinted suspicion that Giapstowgz would act otherwise. But not Lord Ranno.pa. It was uot for him to obtrude his notions upon the House. He had, indeed, in times past, success- tully concealed them. But now the flood-gates had burst, natural emotion would have its flow, and Youth and Age were locked in fond embrace. Jxssz CoLiines didn’t get over the spectacle for long time. Three hours later, rising to speak on some other question, he addressed the astonished Sprakex as “‘ Mr. Mayor.” In course of speech Ranpotrx, mach against will, touched on contentious ma not close his eyes to historical fact that, in 1983, when Tory Party passed Coercion Bill, Grapsrowz was 8

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THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PUCK ‘* GENTLES, D? NOT REPREBEND ; If YOU PARION, WE WILL MEND. IN OFFICE. Anp, as I AM AN HONEST PCCk, lF WE HAVE UNEARNED LUCK Now To '#cars THE Sexrent's ToNove, WE WILL MAKE AMENDS ERE LONG,” Midswmmer Night's Dream, Act ¥. Be. 1. member of the Party. Overpowering argument this, as bearing on question at issue. LADSTONE obliged to note it; so, smiling benig- nantly on his young friend on other side of the table, he shusvel, : I was then twenty-three years of age.”’ . “Only twenty-three!” said Raxpotrn, with note of admiration in his voice at this fresh and striking testimony to GiapsTone's versatility. ‘‘ Yes, but so remarkable is the genius of the Right Honourable Gentleman, that it would not be extraordinary if, at the age of twenty-three, he had dominated the Tory Party.” Beautiful all this. Tempting to linger over. Almost as touching as the deprecation by Sir MicuaxL Baraca of desire on of Tories for Vvercion Bills in Ireland. ‘* We do not propose,” he said just now, ‘‘ to renew any of the provisions of the Crimes Act, because we object to exceptional legislation of this character ;” and he wondered oe he was so grave, the House should go into paroxysms ut aughter. Business done.—Government secure for public business remaining days of Sessivn. Wednesday.—Qaiet afternoon with Navy Estimates. The calm

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8 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Jory 18, 1886, eoa raffled once by lynx-eyed Lassy, who wanted to know why, when there is only one Queen, there should be five Reval Yachts, ** Woulda’t mind an additional yacht or so,” said the Sage of Queen Anne’s Gate, ‘if only they were used. But here’s a yacht cost £200,000 to begin with, £56,000 spent in repairs last year, £3 000 more wanted this year. Wages going on regularly, and yacht scarcely ever out of harbour.” Rather strong case this on face of it. But omagen it’s all right since Lassy got only thirty-seven Members to follow him, 128 supporting the Vote Another ripple about Hosart Pasma. “A — vern- agitator in this country on behalf of the Turkish | ment,’’ cried Sir George CaMPBELL. ‘“s . the half-pay list ?” Who pat him on ‘Not 1,” said Lord Grorex Hamittom, “ Only just come in. Must ask late Government.” Not [,” says Carne. ‘* Don’t know the party.” Nevertheless, here’s the Vote. Commiitee not with- | out suspicion that Hopart Pasa may have already pouched a quarter's salary or so. Evident bewilderment. Happy 1 pa oy GLaDsTonE not present, so inquiry re to Report stage. Business done.—Navy Estimates completed. Thursday.—No doubt about Gerorere Hamtiron’s courage. Has frequently faced Giapstons, and has now, at few moments’ notice, taken command of the British Fleet. ‘* Not that I would have done it without assistance,” he modestly says. “* for that with Markiss when appointment offered. ‘ Give me a thoroughly good man as Civil Lord, and I’ll go anywhere and do anything.’ ‘Who’ll you have?’ sa Markiss. ‘ AsumeaD-Bartwett,’ says I. ‘ H’m!’ says the Markiss. ‘| wanted AsuMeaD myself at the Foreign Office, or, if I could make up my mind to spare him, would have given | Th him to the Colonies, or the War Office, or the Home O In fact, he’s one of those men that will do equally well anywhere.’ ‘ AsHMEsD-Bautwertt, or I don’t go to the Admiralty,’ I insisted. ‘ Very well,’ said the Markiss, ‘if it must be, it must be.’ So it was settled.” ‘* Bat what’s the matter now,” I ask. ‘‘He’s not going to leave yon, is he?” ** No, it’s not that. It’s Lewwox,” said Lord Groner, nervously tearing a piece of paper off his copy of the Orders, and laboriously folding, refolding, measuring, and shaping it. ‘* Was to have been here ay to discuss Navy Estimates. Couldn’t come. to be here to-day. You know he the other day b-fore passionate public meeting at Pendieton-in-the- Pond, that as he had attacked Naval Administration of the late Government, he would not us, Means what he says too. Terrible fellow when he starts. Here he comes, and with trousers turned up! Bad sign that.” And Lord Groreg nervously tore up bit of paper he’d just formed into a square, ; : “Don't be too hard on them, Hawny,” I whispered in Lenwox'sear. ‘“‘They’re young in office yet.” ** Well, since you intercede, Tony,” he said, with little curtsey, “I'll let ‘em off easy. But must teach them my eye ’s upon them.” Pretty mild after all, but nothing to what he might have been. ‘‘1’m pledged to the English people, Tor,” he said afterwards, “ and I'll keep my bond at whatever cost to personal feeling. I told them at Pendleton-in- the-Pond to rely upon me to keep the Navy straight. They are relying, and they shall not be disappointed.” And Henry smote his mauly chest, took in another reef on his starboard trouser, and flashed on trembling First Lasd of Admiralty an eye that gleamed like a binnacle ight. Business done.—Bxacu brings in Budget. Friday Night.—“ What’s that ?” I ask the Markiss, | asa sound of melody floated through the Corridors lead- ing te the House of Lords. “Oh, it’s ay The McCottum More, coming down to make a speech. Old privilege of the AneYits, you koow, that they may enter Debate preceded by the Family Piper. Here he comes!” Sure enough he did, the ~ first playing “‘ The Campbells are Coming,” then MoCurtom More, with head thrown back, “‘ Pride in his port, and orange bitters in his sherry,” said Roszsgry, little Sisking what was in store for him. Three times they the Benches, the Piper finally halting at second Bench below the Gangway, where MoCuttum More deposited himself, and, after one tremendous whirl of Pipes, began. Prodigious speech. Everybody wrong, copesials Rosepery. Late Govern- ment hopeless; present Government doubtfal. Dismiss everybody, and leave everything to The McCottom Mors. After this magnificent oration, everybody struck dumb—everybody but Roszpery, who, young and audacious, actually chaff-d his High and Mightiness ! Business done.—Duke of Ancytt thoroughly enjoys himself for hour and quarter. IN THE TEMPLE GARDENS. Wuenre blossomed red roses and white on the shores of the swift-sliding Thames, Which no traffic of Trade had then stained, where the wrangling Lancastrian railed, And the cheeks of the choleric Yorkist flashed ruddy with hatred’s hot flames, On many a crimson-dyed battle-plain doomed to be death-blanched and paled ; Where revels and feastings and pageants of times when the Tudor sat high, Have long given place to the pacings and —e of students-at-law, There now, on a soft summer eve, under Babylon’s me Sanpet ay. For re driven clear of foul reek as the wind-winno heights o’er Loch we ; A sight may be seen which would startle the Tudor, and move with amaze The rose-badged Plantagenet ruffler. The roses, alas! are now rare ; Their red will not freely unfurl amidst London’s mephitie grey haze, — Their white cannot snowily spread in the City’s dull smoke-laden air. Yet green grows the grass as of old, and now, footing it featly, you’ ll find, Not dryads or nymphs, nay, nor even fine ladies from mansion or Court, _ Bat scantly shod street waifs of London, pale mites, frowsy-clad, but with mind Full set on the madness of frolic, absorbed in the rapture of sport. Scarce Lazarus stretched in the shade of Shedad’s eastern Eden might look Mach stranger than London’s small Arabs at play in this learned retreat, is cloister of secular black-robed recluses and slaves of the book, Whose verdurous hush is unbroken by sounds from the wheel-harassed street. The rap of the racquet here echoes, the flash of the fast-flying ball _ Gleams — o’er the green of the turf. With the sound and the sight there are blen’ The laugh of the ragged young romp, and the street-urchin’s cockneyish call, The fa of foot-weary slum-dwellers sprawling in restful content. Polished mock-Pastoral Players, who pose ’midst the woodlands of Coombe, Less gladly inhale the bland air than these frowsy-clad thralls of the Town, Who tumble and scamper and whoop where the spindly geraniums blvom, _ plane trees and limes of mid-London at mid-summer shrivel and rown. The town-children’s small rus in urbe! There toddlers impatiently wait, There ten-year-old nurses, o'erburdened with animate bundles, abide Bigedios the clock’s Open Sesame ! when through the big iron gate he band may break over the turf in an eager tumultuous tide. ‘* Please, Sir, what time is it now?” So the faint childish treble appeals, And out of a wan face the wide wistfal eyes look up into your own ; And, in spite of the tatters and grime, what a flush of warm pathy steals To the of the well-to-do watcher, if haply that heart is not stone. No Arcadian prim pletemsquenees’ the brush of a Catxor might find Fit theme in tatterdemalions, grubby, grotesque, and unkempt ; Yet here is far wholesomer stuff for the brooding prophetical mind, . Than oa the artist has pictured, than much which the bardling has dream Sir Josxva’s roseate cherubs, the muslin-clad modish child-swells : Of Mrivars and Sant are thin visions compared with yon pallid-faced mite ; Bat her soiled cotton-priat hangs in loops, in the purlieus of Drury she dwells, And to her the trim Temple parterres are an all-too-brief dream of delight. Shout, scamper, and squabble, poor waifs, though the eye of the dainty may turn, And the ear of the sensitive shrink, at the dust and the din of your sport. Let shallow-souled sentiment gush of child-dwellers by brvokjet or burn ; Thoughts deeper, if sterner, are stirred by these throngs from the grey City court. Red roses and white of old times did less grace to these gardens, be sure, a urchin-troop, towzled and loud, that now whoop by the waters of ames And T to-day do far better in giving glad hours to the a Than ‘ dood flashing 1 front of the fight for the making of pod ae * Loox Hzrr!”—A Book for the Rail is the second title of this am broch hich would certainly be abbreviated an Irishman into a Book. Full of good temper, although the Author admits to being SmaRLEr. —

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Juuy 18, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 29 THE EARLY GOOSEBERRY. Ince the Times, owing, no doubt, to the fact that the Session y gives de- cided indications of coming rapidly to a close, has freely opened up its pages to the peculiarities of ‘‘the Rat,” the following far- ther instalment of Dall Season poe ager which is entirely at its disposal, may be read with some interest :— The Vicarage, Thumpyng-on-the- Braine. July 21, 1885. Sir, — The remarkable and really wonderful dis- plays of instinct, as de- seribed in the entertaining * letters of your various Correspondents who have for the last fortnight des- canted at length on the more hidden life of the : : Common Domestic Blue- bottle, impel me, as an enthusiastic cultivator of strange pets, to relate my own most recent, and perhaps most curious, experience —namely, that of the habits of a full-grown Central African Hippo- potamus. One having been sent tome some years since when quite young, anony- mously in a horse-box, I had kept the creature in a substantial barn on my own premises, and —— it up, so to speak, ** in the house,” feeding it at intervals myself through a grating with @ pitehfork. till at length it grew so tame that it would take a sack of p from my hand. That these quiet but much maligned ¢ ve been set down as lacking in intelligence, is well known; but I can only testify from my own practical experience that the charge has no foundation. As a case in point, I can vouch for the fact that, on one oceasion, forgetting to let my knowing African friend out for his little matutinal scamper about my lawn—a privilege I always allowed him—he at once backed out bodily through the outer wall of his rustic, but strongly-built prison-house, carrying away with him fifteen square yards of solid masonry, with chains, bolts, bars, and half the roof in accomplishing his exploit, finally walking in at my study window covered with brick-dust, only to go through the floor instantly, with a heavy crash, into the wine-cellar beneath, much to my surprise. ” After this interesting occurrence, strangely enough we were in the habit of finding all our cucumber frames frequently destroyed as utterly as if some vindictive person had crushed them purposely with asteam-roller. At first I dismissed in turn several of my gardeners, but the strange annoyance continuing notwithstanding, f made up my mind—for the frames been repaired, indeed, 1 might say entirely renewed, thirteen times at a very great outlay—to watch for myself, I had not long to wait. Scarcely had the lights been put out, but I noticed my mischief-loving friend quietly walking round the corner, and a hing the frames. Taking a preliminary roll over a bed of varied geraniums as if to stretch his lest +1 saw him deliberately near the end frame, and then, as if enjoying the pastime, rull head-over-heels backwards and forwards vm times across the seventy-five feet of handsome glass, wood-work and prize vegetables, and atter the whole was little better than a flattened pulp, quietly retire as if refreshed by his experience. I am inclined to think that he regarded the glassy surface pre- sented to his view as the nearest h to the Nile to be found in the neighbourhood ; and though t have since parted with my old favourite to the proprietor of a travelling menagerie, who took him off my hands with a bonus, I am even now, when I think of them, strack with the various signs of really active intelligence he displayed before we parted company. My vicarage, on three sides, is still under repair, bat we have not yet, I can assure you, forgotten our playful Megatherium. I am, Sir, your obedient Servant, J. B. HompierHwalre. The Phenomenal Club, 171th July, 1885. Srr,—I can, in every confirm your Correspondent’s inte- resting account of the astuteness and intelligence of the much abused Hippopotamus. manner in which he will bring a grand piano rat we ze I hese ae is this. Ly eof agee gh ae oe men: ’ y wi hind ’ descen ing backwards, slides down each flight, carrying away a few banisters at each turn, the master of the house, who is generally holding his tail in an effort to stop him, acting as a useful , Lagbeds who has stayed several months in a coun where one of these clever and lively creatures is k most re- But it is when three or four markable results follow. Then I have known the whole contents of three + together with the staircase itself, brought oom- pletely down into the hall in a single afternoon. Though it is yet the month of July, and Parliament is still sitting, fee that no epology is due to your readers for supplying them with quaint and y information, I beg to subscribe myself, Atmost an Eye-Wrrvess. POETS CORNERED. Tne Annual Meeting of the ‘‘ Wordsworth Society,” held the other night at Rutland Gate under the indefa le presidency of Lord Hovemtow, though an evidence of much prevalent intellectual activity, at’ the same some curious facts about bli iz ud panes bog ew reported the poms) c. To judge from riefly - omg it wonbh S that for ques to have an enthusiastic fol- lowing is not a very enviable fate, afterall. After one or two playful all-round hits in his best style, the noble Chairman, proceed - ing to deal with the special idol of the evening, commences what a be fairly termed his masterly attack on him, by expressing his inability to understand why when he (the s er) was a Cambridge Undergraduate, WorpswortH excited, as he undoubtedly did for a brief season, any enthusiasm whatever. With this regular back- hander to set off with, the noble critic finds, cqeenty, no difficulty in following on with more in the same line. There was, he says, no reason, as far as he could see, why anybody should have laboured to elevate either the poet’s name or his works; and he adds, almost dolefully, further down, not only that ‘‘ the extreme familiarity ” of the Great Master's diction had in it something uncongenial to the literary minds of every period, but that that fatal artistic defect was, rn ovens * accompanied by something that looked like vulgarity of ought.’ After this regular pail of cold water delivered at his reputation, it would have been reasonable to suppose that the unoffending Author of ‘* We are Seven” might have been mercifally dismissed. But no,—Lord Hoventow had still something still more stinging in reserve to say about him. Once more harping subacidly on the Great Master’s ‘‘ extreme familiarity of diction,” he moreover maintains that the sentiments which it represented ‘‘ were of a very ordinary character” (sic), and “* unassociated with any of those stirring, deep and passionate emotions with which Burns was sat And looking back,” he continues, as if to give the selected idol of the evening a sort of finishing settler, ‘I think we feel that more strongly from that one great deficiency of the faculties of WorpswortH—total want of sense of humour. No man with a sense of humour could have exposed himself to those occasionally jast criticisms of the almost comic positions of some of his characters.’’ After this there really does not seem room for much more to be said, though it is only fair to the distinguished lecturer to add, that he conclu is severe and scathing criticiem with the candid anaes i cr tL. mms Chat if 1 to mage os seer's Album the it poem anguage, he should un- hesitatingly set down ‘‘ The Ode on the Intimations of Immortality.” Notwithstanding, however, this tardy compliment, it is evidently no joke for a poet to have an evening to himself at Rutland Gate. We do not clearly recall what its accompli owner made of Gray and CoLERiper, but we would Soe advise him, if he contemplates the immediate worship of any living genius, not to deliver his panegyric before submitting the rough draft to a respectable Solicitor well up in the law of libel. The Ban-Crofters’ Bill. Next Saturday Mr. and Mrs. Bancrorr bid farewell to manage- ment, As wise as they are clever. Most women have their one chance of marriage offered them in the course of their lives; and most mange avy their one chance offered them of retiring with a fortane. rupt or Bancrorr?,* that is the ne ”—and they have shown in this step, as in nearly every other, their good jadgment. Mr. Puncis throws the old shoe after them for luck, and ishes them a thorough enjoyment of their well-earned repose. aoe a . = Fy eatin’ at "ont Bod uy : s were n 5, aj crammers. nee Etonian Comino ponte yomnae a his name, made twenty-three, and so didn’t come out with a de ’s egg.” All Cricketers must be Con- servatives, as they would never vote for abolishing Lord's.

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(Jery "8, 1885, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. fn The , ‘ me, Man SEA BOIS ON . ‘ , fT) y. eS a Ze NY SSS RSS CARS is “we wy } } ANN OSS WN ~» N\ SONS } THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. She. “‘ Wovtp you MIND PUTTING my Lawn-Tennis Saogs in your Pockets, Mr. Green ?” He. “‘1'm avrarp Mv PocKETs ARE BARDLY BIG FNOVeH, Miss GLapys; BUT I SHAIL BE DELIGHTED TO CARRY THEM FoR you!” HOW BRER RABBIT LOST HIS FINE BUSHY TAIL, AND HOW BRER FOX COT INTO SERIOUS BUSINESS. (Uncle Remus up to Date.) Uncle Remus, and then he paused suggestively. ** How did he lose it?” asked just what the old man expected, and he responded readily. ** Wy some fukes sez one way en some fokes anudder. Dey ain’t sorter greed on dis yer pint Ole Man Rabbit fer years, des like it wuz his shadder. His enne- mies say he ain't nuthin t’all widout it, mor’n a pump widout a) handle. Dey sorter laff, en had a spell er de dry grins ‘bout Brer | Rabbit en his tail, dey did, en kinder bounce in on him ez he hatter g° whar his tail tuk him, dey did. Brer Rabbit ain’t say nuthin’, | put des wag dat tail ez Dignity oe Brer Squir!] at acorn time. But| Brer Rabbit he lose dat o’ his'n mighty sudden en onexpected at las’ be did. Some say Brer Alligator nibbled it off, udders dat Brer | Pig did de deed, udders dat Brer B’ar wuz at de bottom er de mis- chief, but de mos’ low’ ez he dune gone lost it er purpos’, caze he ooteh in a trap, like Brer Fox in de story, en coulda’ skaddle widout roppin’ en it.” he little boy looked sorrowful. ‘‘ Poor Brer Rabbit!” he began, whea the uld nigger interrupted him. “ Don't you grieve atter Brer Rabbit. He ain't smashed yit, en w'at’s mo’, honey, he ain’t But w’at I lay out fer ter tell er wuz, that atter Gran’ is tail he lay low, he did, en kinder leave de rule er de roost ter Brer Fox en Brer Bison, i w'at I tell you ’fore.” “* And did they do better than Brer Rabbit ?” asked the little boy. ** De place wharbouts you spill de grease Right dar youer boun’ ter slide, Brer Fox may set a Rabbit-trap Ro find hisself inside,”’ chaunted the old nigger, with a cunning smile on his ancient countenance, “I ” he continued, “dat dem fokes w'at makes a great ’miration "bout w’at dey fancies dey knows, is des de | “ : . i i il.” |Brer Bull. Brer Tarrypin, ‘cose fae Geek Oe ee See one Se Seng tacky toll,” Segue | Bison he kinder tired of his pardnership wid Ole Brer Hare, ez wuz the little boy, curiously. This was! w, dey ain't. Dat tail foller Gran’ | ineter. Ole Man Rabbit lose de tine bushyness en | }, fukes w'ich you can’t put no great ’pennunce in w'en de ’cashun come up. Brer Fox he des ¢z uppity +z little Jack Sparrer, en he ‘low he as swiff ¢z Brer Kabbit, en «z strong «ez Ole Man Tarrypin, €z wuz de out’ nes’ beas’ er de whole gang. Brer Fox, he kinder lay out fer ter imertate Brer Tarrypin, like Brer Frog w’en he imertate he rock ‘Jong en smile. Brer pow'ful weak en mighty skeersome, en lay low to be trompled on, en w'en Brer Fox he done put his foot down en ’fuse ter foller Brer Hare Brer Bison he foller Brer Fox, like he wuzn't lookin’, en wuz des a goin’ his own way. Brer Bison wuz ez big as an ilum, honey, ut taint allers de biggity heastes’ en de mos’ savvigus’ ¢z is out’nes’ atter all. Brer Wolff—him ez I tell yer wuz sot ter tek de measure er Brer Alligator, he allers holler wahee/ w’en Brer Fox holler wahoo! En Brer Coon, he sing :— Me Molly Har’ W’at you doin’ dar, Sittin’ on de fron’ bench Allers on de scar’ ? En he help ter turn out de Brer Hare en tuk his place.” wee that was rather mean, wasn’t it, Uncle Remus?” said the ittle boy. **C’ose, honey,” replied the old man. ‘‘ All de Buzzards in de settlement ’lLi come to de gray Mule’s funer’l. Wen dey spishun'd ez Ole Brer Rabbit his-elf wuz kinder stuck wid de ole contrapshun wut dey call de Tar-Baby, wut I tell you of, en wuz cotched fis’ en foot, dey kinder roun’ on Brer Rabbit, de udder beasteses did, twel imeby Brer Rabbit pull hisself loose, en den dey lay low, en call him Gran Ole Brer Rabbit, like he ain’t never got stuck ’tall. Pow’ful mean de teses is w’en dey see one on em sorter Ji "n’ twix’ a bauk ena break-doun. ’Fore Brer Rabbit Jef’ de head er de gang, like I tole yer, Brer Fox, en Brer Wolff, en Brer Bison, en de res’ er dat lot. dey say «z how dey’s des fokes ter kick de natal stuffin’ outer Brer B’ar, en ter skerblosh Brer Bull-Frog, en ter *strack ter toofies er Brer Alligator, en mos’ tickler ter keep der ring fas’ on der snout er Brer Pig, ez wuz allers bustin’ outen his stye, en er rootin’ ’roun’, en er cuttin’ drefile didos. Dey'd tie up Brer Pig, dey say, fas’ «z a mule at a fence, en dey des wouldn’ have

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jcty 18, 1885.

GOING

aeysree aw Ca TO THE

COUNTRY.” SMe, Lt am Ap 4 _—~s < ~ hn 4 LLIL i » XN Hy Bi A ‘Mine ¢

I DON’T MIND LENDING A HELPING HAND TO—GET YOU OFF!”

Mr. WittiaM, THe Ore Butter (to new ditto). ‘I’M OUT O’ PLACE JUST NOW; BUT

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Jouy 18, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 33 no truck wid none er dem ez’d unhitech even one er his behime legs. E’en w’en dey had der way, en wuz top er de fence, fus’ news you knowed wuz ez dey d tuck de ring clean out’n Brer Pig’s snout, en let him ez loose ez a colt in de barley-patch.” ‘And how about Brer B’ar and Brer Alligator?” asked the little Boy. “‘Chilluns is mighty curus,” said the old man, reflectively; “but dey can’t "speck ter know all "bout eve’thing ’fo’ eve’body. T’won’t do fer ter give out all de hide fer one p’ar boots. Big ’possum clime little tree, en ” ter me ez Brer Fox, tho’ he kinder bounce it out, en say he ain’t got nuthin ter ’pologize fer, en Brer Bison en Brer Coon dey swar ter grashus dey ain’t promised mos’ nuffin, dat ez dey’s done ‘long er Brer Pig, so dey’s like ter do “long er de udder beasteses. I tell yer, honey, Miss Meadows she don’t dis’member nuffin, en she keep her eye on de whole caboodle on em.” ‘*Who was Miss Meadows, Uncle Remus?” inquired the little boy. Wiss Meadows she de mistiss er de House,” replied the old darkey. ‘‘ Dem ez wuz sorter familious wid her called her Miss ’Tan'yer, dey did, wot wuz her chris’n name, but I call her Miss Meadows. She wuz allers en der tale, Miss Meadows wuz, en ef de beasteses dey cut up too many didos, Miss Meadows she done put her foot down she did, en say dat w’en dey come ter her place dey hatter hang up a flag er truce at de front gate en ‘bide by it. Miss Meadows she ain’t place much ’pennunce en Brer Bison, en Brer Fox, en Brer’Goon. But she mighty unrashful en unfluttersome, Miss Meadows, mos’ all de time, ’cep w'en she’s sorter sot up, en she des lay low en wait fer ter se w’at atter all dey’ll do erlong er Brer B'ar, en Brer Alligator, en Brer Bull-Frog, en de udder forrin beasteses, wut dey crack on dey’d f’arly wipe up der face er de earf wid, wen dey’d de pow’r en de place. En I’d ’vise yer to do de same, honey,” concluded the old man. ‘ Lay low en wait, honey, en you ’ll see how der pym’tums "II segashuate.’ NOTES BY NIBBS. (To see the Great Pink Pearl at the Prince's.) I HAD heard such a favourable report of the Great Pink Pearl after its first exhibition at some matinée, that I anticipated a real treat, as probably did the majority of the audience, at the Prines’s eatre last Monday week, It may be that the Pearl in question was, on the first occasion, placed before a jury of appreciative oysters and that, on this second occasion, it was thrown b- fore undiseriminating por- kers,—quorum pars magna fut,—as certainly there were a number of grunters present who expressed themselves dissatisticd with the evening performance of essrs. CaRTON and Rateien’s “‘ farcical play.” representation, I should have delayed any remarks upon it until I had seen it again; as, take what piece you will, whether speaking as Hard Nibbs. Soft Nibbs, or Medium Nibbs, I assert, for the hundredth time, that, . after only seeing its first representation, it is almost impossible for anyone to pronounce such & criticism upon it as shall be of any use to the Author, Actors, or the public. The primary end and aim of all true criticism should be the special benefit of the Artist, and the general improvement ot the Art, whatever it may be. To convert what should be a critical article into a mere journalistic paragraph of the day's news, or to turn it into a conyenient vehicle for airing personal opinions, is an abuse of criticism. Critics honestly found fault with Zhe Private Secretary, and when, in eonsequence, Author and Actors at once went to work to re-rehearse, to excise, and to make a piece, which had so much good stuff in it, what it ought to have been at first, they showed a just appreciation of criticism, and have largely oo Fyne Mon Sheen and Ma-chine. profited by their ity. if the Great Pink ’uns, Messrs. Canton, Rateion & Co., will do likewise, there may yet bea chance for what they have described e yw “ fareieal Play," ¥ as now pliret. just 0 — : as prevents from a serious play, and just so muc serious drama in it as Booty Lede being a farce. The Actors' Had this been ite first} talen appeared as if uncertain how to render it. Were they to be oon- scious of its extravagance, or ignore it? Were Fenianism, revolve detectives, Russian police-spies, and a box of dynamite to be impressed on the audience as terrible realities, or as mere farcical absurdities ? Such situations as are genuinely comic were thoroughly enjoyed b the audience who came to laugh, and who, on this account, resen the introduction of melodramatic intensity which considerably perplexed them. It is, therefore, a difficult matter to criticise the acting. It may be exactly what the Authors wished it. If so, the result is unfortunate. If it is not what the Authors intended, then the sooner the acting of the two principal pe is reformed altogether, the better for the chances of the . The key to what must puzzle any audience is to be found in tl ormance of Mr. Gaoves as the Fenian oon- spirator, Gormant. His acting is as y coloured as his face ; and if this is contrary to the Authors’ meaning, then his art is as false as his le wig and whiskers. Either the entire piece ought to be by e one conc ret ove to Mr. Groves’s Seeatly urlesque impersonation of t mi, ot played up to the true comedy level on which even M. Manus, excelient as he is in this, does not consistently remain. Sometimes it seemed to flash across M. Marrosin the midst of a most serious situation, that, after all on se “only purtendin’,” and that he was in a farcical sort of Criterion piece, and bound to raise a laugh. Were the réles of Sheen and Gormani played by Messrs. GakpEN GROVES as are all the other parts, with some intensity ad even to these, the piece, I think, would a distinct and peculiar success. As it is—that is, when I saw it—it was perplexing and irritating. If Mr. Groves has influenced the Authors and Act against their better jud to accept his view of the play, then must be the Groves of y personified ; but if his rendering of the character is according tothe Authors’ instructions, then on their heads be it. The party of the name of GaspEN—a most tion of the Garden Party—works painfully hard as Anthony t is en- tirely un-fumny. He does indeed merit the description applied to him - . Marrus, the calm Russian Diplomat,—we’ve had a small family of these characters since Baron Srery, in says several times, age people no repose,”’. from point of view the Garden Party touring in Parie—his royage en Sheen—may be taken ag correctly interpreting his A Meaning. M. Manrvs has the funniest line in the to say when he shouts out to a German Count, who has never uttered more than one syl- lable at a ti “ Bilenoe, Chat- | terbox!” which gpg down the house, and woke us up. This Dora,—when the latter German Count, cailed Ser, perhaps because he is in broadcloth —is wie yed by Mr. Denison; Mr, Ca Y, too, as the Russian. P. Agent, cannot be be bis actor may not have power to sustain & ending part, but he certainly has a speci captivated by an easy success in “‘a bit of character.” : As far as appearance , Miss Compton, whose acting has vast ‘ improved since last I saw her, is an ideal type of the Russian, or, if not Russian, at all events of the Polish—or highly Polish'd— Countess ; but she drops her voice when she should raise it, and, on this particular night, she so dropped it at the end of her best speech, as to risk the loss of the point which could have been legitimately made. This may have been an accident; but so it was. ; The mise-en-scene is very good, and attention to such details as the French Police episode in the Second Act, points to the hand of Monsieur Makivus as Stage Manager of the show. i The piece owes nothing to any foreign source, the Authors having got it all out of their own heads. Mr. Savire Cuakxe and the other Crarxe “ Jouw 8.” have had new pieces at theStrand Theatre, Sanau B. has appeared triumphantly as Theodora at the Gaiety, there is The O' Dora at Toole’s, and, in this hot weather, I am, yours traly, Tue Tran-quitt Nisss, M. Marius as the Russian Diplo- matist in Paris. Russ in Urbe. last week. The winner one. Taken, of course, in ueen's §, Mr. Jom» says he doesn’t know what NDAL’s future engagements are, but he thinks of backing him. From Newmarxet.—Jul Mapting ’ starting price was ight to =

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54 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Jory 18, 1885, a Sk HONOURS! First Alderman. “ Any News!” Second Ditto (Radical), *‘ Buresep 1F I AIN'T A’MOST AFRAID TO LOOK IN THE Parzrs! ‘Frnp MyskL¥ A Heart on A BakRERNITE OR SOMETHINE !!” — - — _ = A GENTLE REMINDER. ** We haven’t heard much about Mud-Salad Market bately, ” writes a Correspondent. No; because we haven't been much about Mud-Salad Market lately. We have sniffed it from afar, and powes a Oabman tried it as a short cut from Garrick Street to Fleet Street. It was 4 sultry day, and we only awoke to the fact that he was attempting the impossible when we found ourselves wedged in between carts and barrows at the corner of Southampton Street. And oh! for the beautiful scent, and * for the lovely lan of flowers! No; Mud-Salad Market does not seem to ~~ —_ live the Duke with the iron will, or rather the iron ‘‘ won't.” There’s no him be re-titled ‘‘ The Duke of Sror-m- Brp-Froxp.” Well, Mr. Punch has po ab he could ; but if the Covent-Gardeners themselves have learned to love the oe ane why they must be left * enjoy it, and to,write up over their gates the optimistic motto, is for the Pest ! THs a Setters Unit on bing iienabie, Much is heard of Neo-Platonism. To our | / = Electro-Platonism. thinking, much that tries to pass for philosophy is THE CONQUERING MACHINE. (After a Visit to the Inventions Exhibition.) You say that ‘‘ Evolution ’s blind, Her purpose unforeseen,” — Nay, for as types she leaves behind, She keeps for ever in her mind The Conquering Machine ! Even now,—oh future years of grace The pro fulfil! Our hearts the dawning influence trace, The “‘ nerve of steel” we try to brace, Or bend “ the iron will.” Now, to the eye of faith displayed The coming form is seen, In every office, every pe I watch, in human arrayed, The Conquering ! In the dim watches of the night 1 see the portent rise, A creature of unearthly might, Irradiate with electric light, And justly focussed eyes! By careful Evolution planned With many a gliding a a warn, to comfurt, to command, To fly to drive a four-in-h r dance a Highland reel ! Volition vain will fret no more The Automatic Soul, Emotion then will fail. to score While reflex action takes the floor, And dominates the whole ! Machines no conscience will neglect, No scruples will endure, For conscience, in that realm correct Of automatic intellect, ill be a sinecure ! Ay, driven no more by passion’s gale, Nor impulse unforeseen, Humanity shall faint and "fail, And on her ruins will on The Conquering M Responsibility begone ! Let Freedom’s fag be furled ; Oh, ccming ages, hasten on, And bring the true Automaton, The monarch of the world! RecREATION AND Rowpyism.—A party of athletes, assembled the other Sunday in the Abbey meadows at Leicester to play cricket, were prevented AAS a cr from pur suing their game. bt 0 of any who have the vy to yt servance of Sunday asa Sabbath, how i that authorise them to stop of cricket? (t surely stands to reason Ee pusees en- gaging themselves in pure play are dis- tinctively doing no manner of work. New Song of Sixpence. Sure a Song of Sixpence Telegrams awry ; Promise of cheap messages To set before Jonm B. ? Soro vor Wr«stepon (by one who ob-

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Jory 18, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL COMFORTING. Cabby (to Fare), ‘‘ Str weit Back, Srr. My ’Oss 1s sussecTr To Fits, AN’ ’E’S HAPT TO GET '1s "EELS OVER THE SriasH-noarp!!" , NO MEMORY FOR FACES, For mnemonic exercises I ’ve an inborn predilection, Being gifted with the faculty of vivid recollection. I remember fervid eulogies pronounced upon my charms As I sweetly crowed and gurgled, lying in my nurse’s arms ; I can quote the longest monologues e’er written by the Bard, And can reel you off hexameters and sapphics by the yard ; I’ve the liveliest remembrance of events and names and places And of dates, despite their dulness,—but I can't remember faces ! That T cannot keep in mind the diffrent shades of eyes and hair, Or distinguish grim old maids from merry scheol-girls, young and air ; That I never know my Father when I meet him in the street, Bat mistake him for some Alderman or Chaplain to the Fleet ; That my intimate acquaintances unre ised I pass, And am puzzled by my own face when I see it in the glass, Seems incredible, no doubt; but ’tis the gospel truth, I vow! It has got me, you may fancy, into many a fearful row. At a dinner-party once I had to sit, as chance befel, Twixt ese men who shook my hand and seemed to know me very well,— They were leasant, chatty fellows, and I soon found out, indeed, That on Politics, Religion, and the Drama they agreed. Dut imagine my confusion when they murmured, sweet and low, Introduce us! That’s a man I should extremely like to know.” For my answer in each case I had to blush, as it was this :— I should really be too happy,—but I don’t know who he is!” I was strolling down the Strand, and musing on the Missing Link, a rascal snatc my watch-chain, and was off, as quick as wink. I pursued him for some minutes at considerable speed, And had nearly caught him; but my nose began to bleed. When I met next (as I believed) he looked a perfect swell, And was lounging on the door-step of a mansion in Pall Mall I laid hold of him with promptitude—a course that cost me dear— For he proved, to my discomfiture, a pugilistic Peer ! I’m acquainted with a worthy old Colonial Bishop, whom I regret to say I’ve frequently mistaken for his groom. As they really don’t resemble one another in the least, [| feel sure that he considers me an idiotic beast. So, I have no douht at all, do many other friends of mine In the legal. or the naval, or the military line, Whom, alas! I have offended—quite unwittingly, I trow— By addressing them as people wheln they didu’t even know! I’ve mistaken pious Countesses for Ladies of the Ballet, Archeulogists for publicans, a Statesman for bis valet ; L’ve upset the equanimity of once unruffled lives By jast ‘‘mixiag up” my dearest friends, and, what was worse, their wives. I went up, the other day, to an intolerable bore, Whom I afterwards discovered I had never seen before, And insisted upon asking him to dinner, Need I say That he’s auk to me like putty ever since that dreadful day ! With keen agony, from week to week, I ask myself anew To remove this disability what is it I can do? I have studied physiognomy and every plastic art, And I’ve stared at people’s features till I’ve learnt them off by eart. Rat, confound it! my experiments have all been made in vain, For I ne’er can recoliect to whom the faces appertain ; Yet they haunt me, and I know them, in the visions of the night,— But throughout my waking hours I can never get them right ! I am gravitating fast towards a chasm of despair, My annoyaners are greater than | possibly can bear ;— ! would try the hermit dodge, and see my fellow-men no more, Were it not that life-long solitude is sach a horrid . If I thought it wouldn’t hurt, I would my own quietus make With a bodkin, or a bullet, or a slice of cake ; For my cup of life is brimming full of sorrows and disgraces, All resulting from the fact that—1’ve no memory for faces !

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36 {Jury 18, 1885. _ = PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT. I APPEAR IN A VOLUNTEER CASE. HE first time I met my friend BewDer was at a gathering of the members of his own corps, when he was intro- duced to those present by his then Commanding Officer as that C. O.’s suc- cessor. From the tone of the gunners (it was a Volunteer Artillery Regi- ment) I feared that he wonld experience some difficulty in maintaining discipline. It was not so much the solemn silence in which his name was received as the open deri- sion with which his speech of thanks was greeted that made me adopt this opi- nion. The retiring Com- mandant explained to me subsequently that he won- — dered ‘“‘they” (the men) ** stood it, as when all was said and done, Boyprr did not know his right band from his left.” This (from a military point of view) appeared to be a very grave misdemeanor. From the statement of the Commandant, it seemed that he himself had not found his proud | poritiun_as Officer Commanding an exact equivalent to u bed of ;. | roses. He had been put to very great expense, and ultimately resigned because the three batteries of which his corps was compored insisted upon marching abreast down Piccadilly, so that they might hear the band with equal distinctness. : ‘Captain Borper!” said my excellent and admirable Clerk. ushering in my warlike acquaintance. I was a little annoyed that Poutrreton had not given me notice of the soldier's approach, as at the moment I was eng in the not very professional practice of trying to teach my wife’s dog (a black poodle) how to balance a biscuit on his nose until he was told that it had been duly purchased This was all the more embarrassing as I had always given BonprE to understand that I devoted my entire time in Chambers to the consideration of intricate points of law. Left alone, on the retirement of Portrneton and the poodle, the Captain opened his heart to me freely, and told me that he had been worried out of his life by his gunners, headed by Sergeant SmitTH and Bombardier Brown. Instead of ‘falling in” at the word of command, hi« men, headed by the said subordinates, or rather insub- ordinates, had insisted upon holding meetings, at which he (their Captain) had been denounced in no measured terms; and that when he had mildly retaliated by dismissing the ringleaders individually in a regimental order published in a local paper, had been threatened with five distinct actions for libel. : ‘* So, seeing your name outside,” he concluded, “‘ and remembering that you said you were a Barrister or something, I thought I would just step in and ask you what I had better do.” 1 pondered for several moments, while I tried to remember as many provisions as I could of the Mutiny Act. ‘Were you before an enemy,” at length I answered, ‘‘I am of opinion that you might order them to suffer death or any less punish- ment that might be awarded by a general Court-Martial.” ‘** Well, we are not before an enemy,” retorted BonpERr, angrily, ‘‘and so far from my ordering them anything, I am hanged if they haven’t sammoned me / They have applied that I should be compelled to discover a certain dummy gun, when I have never even seen it!” ‘‘ Well, my dear friend,” I replied, with hesitation, ‘‘ you see I have had very little to do with criminal work, and therefore am rather out of my element.” This ionocent remark seemed to add fuel to the fire, and Bowper became angrier than ever. However my dulcet tones, and apologetic if not abject manner, at length had their effect, and my vi-itor at last told me his sorrows in detail, and I promised to appear for him in the police-court on the morrow. When I reached Bowlborongh Street the next day, I found the Captain seated in full regimentals (which, no doubt, had secured him the consideration from the Usher) on the Bench. I subsequently ascertained that he had “sported his uniform” with a view to favourably impressing the presiding Magistrate. If this were his object, he signally failed in attaining it, as Mr. Bane, the worthy official in question, when he arrived (as he did in a very great hurry, as if he had just five minutes to get throngh his work and catch an express train), immediately ordered him down. “*T see, Sir,” oried his Worship, angrily, ‘that you are here charged with concealing or making away with Her Majesty’s proverty. Your proper place is the Dock, Sir,—not the Bench!” Upon which the until-now-obsequious Usher suddenly changed his tone, and unceremoniously hustled my client into the space beyond the Clerk’s desk. **T protest-——” began poor BunDER. ‘‘Does anyone appear for you?” asked his Worship, enappishly. ae me! has the man lost his voice? Does anyone appear fur im ?’ ** 1 do,” I replied, firmly. : 4 “‘ Who are you, Sir?” snapped out the Magistrate, as if rehearsing BurwanD AND ScLitvan's excellent Operetta Coz and Boz. I felt very much inclined to continue the duet by saying, ‘‘ What's that to you, Sir?” when his Worship went on, excitedly, **Do you belong to a firm, or are you in practice on your own account?” **T am not a Solicitor, Sir, as you appear to imagine——” I “Then what have you to do here, Sir?” interrupted the Magis- trate, with increesed fury. ‘‘ Not a word, Sir, or I will have you turned out!” **T am a Barrister, Sir,” I exclaimed, in the tone adopted by the hero of the old melodramas, when, throwing off a k, he was wont to appear in a profusion of foreign decorations, as the long-lost and rightful heir. J , Instead of Mr. Bane going down upon his knee, and exclaiming, “My liege!” he merely requested me, with impatient courtesy, ‘‘ to get into my —— place then,” adding, sotto voce, ‘* that he supposed I was instructed by somebody.” I was then ushered into a long pew on the right of the Bench. ** And now that’s over,” continued his Worship, ‘‘ what is it?” Immediately two garrulons persons sprang to their feet. **One atatime. Put that man into the box, and swear him.” And one of the speakers was seized, hustled into a compartment, handed a book, and told to kiss it, whilst an official galloped through the form preseribed by law. ** And now what have you got to say?” asked Mr. Bane, leaning back in his armchair, and glaring at the witness through his spectacles with a ferocity which was perfectly appalling. Sergeant Smirn (for it was he) had a great dealtosay. Every now and again he was savagely interrupted by his Worship, who asked some question or other. 1 confess I was so upset by the hurry and scurry of the whole affair that I could hear nothing. The only thing that pleased me was the fact that Mr. Bane occasionally looked at me when I bowed graciously, feeling most grateful for his recognition. ‘ «Have you anything to ask the witness ?” asked Mr. Bane, when the Sergeant had come to a fall stop. I feebly shook my head and weakly smiled. ‘* Swear the next witness,” snapped out the Magistrate. * ou I want to ask him something,” began Captain Bunpzr, excitedly. 4 Can't,” cried his Worship. ‘‘ You’re represented by Counsel ! And now, Bombardier Brown, what do you know about it?” Again the examination of witnesses went on. Again I was too flurried to follow the thread of the testimony. again I gratefully bowed whenever the Magistrate looked at me. Once more I had no questions ready. **T will be heard!” shouted the infuriated Burpee at this point. ‘ ™ on repeated the Magistrate. ‘‘ You’re represented by ounsel, ** Bat I won’t be represented by Counsel or anyone else,” cried the angry soldier. ‘‘I prefer to appear in person. hy, whenever you appealed to him,” he continued, indignantly pointing at me, ** he decid-d against me!” ‘*He did!” returned the Magistrate, shortly; “‘ but that’s his business and not mine!” ‘* But it is mine!” almost yelled Bunper. ‘I repudiate him!” Mr. Bane looked at me. Of course there was only one thing for me te do. Full of mortification, and hurt to the very quick, I retired. 1 waited for Bunper until he emerged from the Court. ** Sir,” I said, “‘I never intended to appear for you in any other character than that of a friend. Asa friend, not a Counsel, I have avpeared for you. But from this moment your qualification asa friend ceases.” ** Appear for me as a Counsel!” he exclaimed, scornfully. ‘‘ More of the Sell than the other! Youw’ll never be Lord Chancellor!” . . 7 ° * * As I have hinted, this occurred many years ago. Calmly con- sidering the matter now, with an experience mellowed by time, I am of opinion that my client’s excitement was pardonable, as the pro- fessional assistance I was then able to afford him was not of as much value as I could have wished—earnestly, most earnestly could have { Lord Chancellor! wished! As for his prophecy, he was right—I never have been A. Bareriess, Jowior. G@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed by s Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless Copies of MB. should be kept by the Senders. —

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