Punch 1883: Vol 84

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FLEET STREET,

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LONDON : BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WIHITEFRIARS,

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aay Ie Jone 30, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. iit Y J 4 “ A -H-0.0-0-Y!!!” sounded a mighty but mellow voice, over a broad reach of billowy brine, as divinely hyacinthine-hued as the wave-sweeps on a canvas of Mr. Brett's, and leaping as merrily as Worpswortn’s daffodils in the welcome sunshine of a genuine British June. Mr. Ponca was paddling in his own improved “ Boyton” about the stretches of the Silver Streak. Tony, in a reduced copy of his Master’s wave-prcof, was dutifully dittoing in the rear. “ Methinks ‘I hear old Triton blow his wreathéd horn,’” said the sea-disporting Sage, pausing in mid-stroke. But it was the voice of Nepruye himself, summoning the All-Accomplished One to a friendly conference, and Mr. Punow was coon in the presence of the Trident-bearer and his Court, at a sort of nautical “ At Home.” “ Well, you're an odd-looking fish!” said the Sea-God, genially. ‘ Hardly knew you at first in that get-up.” ‘There are odder in your own deeps, if ScuitLeR’s Diver reported correctly,” responded the Sage, with a pleasant wink, “ScHitteR,” said Neprunz, “ got decidedly out of his depth in the poem you refer to. Don’t you think it would be more practical to make the best use of my abounding and palpable wealth, than to brood over my hidden and quite conjectural horrors ?” “ Just what we ’re trying to do,” returned the Sage, promptly. ‘‘ You've heard, of course, of our Great International Fisheries Exhibition, of the Piscicultural Conferences, of the combination thereat of the science of learned Professors and the sense of Royal Princes ?” “ Rather!” said Nepruns. “ But the brine seems to have parched your eloquent lips. What do you say to a liquor up ?’ “Do you see any Blue—in my button-hole?” queried the Sage, significantly. Neptune nodded to a juvenile Triton, a sort of briny “ Buttons,” who, turning suddenly tail upwards, like a duck, dived and brought up—a bottle ! “ Message from the sea,” suggested Ampuirrirs, archly. Tueris, with her own shell-pink fingers filled a conch-shell with the sparkling contents, and commended the sea-chalice to Punon’s willing lips. **Sure, nothing on earth half co sweet is, So hard for mere mortal to beat is, As a beaker of wine From the depths of the brine, And the hand—may I kiss it?—of Taetis!” improvised the Sweet Singer of Fleet Street, taking the Nymph’s consent—quite justifiably—for granted. ‘See you have been reading Huxtry’s Address,” said Mr. Poxcn, presently. “Yes,” said Neptune. ‘“ He’s an A.B. among land-lubbers, if you like. But what lubbers you most of youare! I envy Ceres. You do make better use of her land than of my water. And yet, as the Professor proves, the yield of a well- farmed sea-acre is much larger, and might be indefinitely greater than that of the finest and fattest of land-acres. How is it?” “There are qucerer fish on land than in sea,” said Mr. Poncu, reflectively. ‘A piscatorial guide to humanity would be a curious volume. The Monopolist Land-shark is greedier than the ‘ Tiger of the Sea,’ and the flat fish of ocean’s depths are not comparable—in stupidity—with the ‘ flats’ who allow Monopoly to feed and batten on them. Your eels are \ ‘ LN

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iv PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jone 30, 1883. not such wrigglers as are Vested Interests when the hand of Honesty closes on them; and your oyster is about as easy a creature to stir into self-defensive activity as the ordinary British Citizen, who sits still for the gluttons of Trade to gobble hin up.” Me Think of my inexhaustible herring shoals and my ‘cod mountains,’ one hundred ani twenty million fish to the square mile!” said Neprune. “ Can't you teach men to make a little better use of the Harvest of the Sea?” “It is my business and pleasure to teach everything,” replicd the Sage. ‘And I teach, as THomas of Chelsca wrote history, by flashes of lightning; only mine is the harmless, lambent, summer lightning of unvenomed humour.” ‘How nice!” sighed AMPHITRITE. ' “Tremendous creature, your Master!” whispered Tuetis to Tony, of whom the silver-footed Nymph was making a prodigious pet. Tosy wagged his tail and winked significantly. “ His bark is on the sea,” said the old Sea-God, with the shame-faced smile of the unpractiscd puneter. “ Bit behind the age—in the matter of jokes, eh?” suggested the Suge, cheerily. “Why, ye-e-s,” admitted the Trident-wielder. ‘ Fact is—don’t let Aupuirrite hear!—we’re a bit dull since the days of Tuetis’s great son and those delightful Greeks. Electric Cables and ugly Iron-clads ‘ molest our ancient solitary reign,’ and make things precious slow and stupid into the bargain. I like Bruirannra, there’s a dash of the sea-nymph about her. I like Fishermen, they 're not quite Cockneyfied into commonplace. I like you; you've the depth of my seas and the sparkle of my billows. That’s why I hailed you with such energy.” “Couldn't have done anything better or more opportune,” responded the Sparkler. ‘I have here what instructs and illumines the World of Men, and will keep you and your Court amused for six months to come.’ * You don’t say so!” cried Neprune. “ How awfully nice of you!” murmured AMPHITRITE. “I could kiss him!” whispered Tuxrts in the archly-cocked ear of Tonras. The younger Tritons, like veritable sea-urchins, turned brine-splashing ‘ catherine-wheels” of riotous rapture which caused AmpuitriTE to call them sharply to order. “Tl tell the world, Farser Nep, what you wisely say about their folly, in the matter of Fish and Fisheries,” said Mr, Puxcu. “In return, this will tell you what J say upon that and every cther subject.” And the joy-disseminating Sage presented to the delighted Sea-God his Cighty-Fourth Volume!

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é 2 * anuarY 6, 1883.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SW N SN RM WWQAA ‘ey WS RUN WSS AS SSN SSS Wir UY, Y \ \ Wa \ Hi) A Mt \ wm F A= Ut \ 2: Sa Sa Lace \ NS — > \ N } RY } 1, MEMS. OF A DISTINGUISHED AMATEUR, (Extracted from his Diaries.) Christmas, 1849.—A most important year. Early in the Sprin made my first appearance as Itichard the Third. Told by the loca reporter of the Mudstone Mercury that it reminded him of the elder Kran. No doubt it did. Badly supported by the other Amateurs taking part in the Dashover Hall Amateur Theatricals. Midsummer, 1852.—Have certainly matured my style since I made my first appearance as Richard the Third. Then decidedly crude, although told, by persons who certainly ought to have known, that I was far better than the elder Kean. Have added to my repertotre, Hamlet, Claude Melnotte, Othello, Belphegor, Dazzle, and Macbeth. Have seen Macreapy, Caartes MAatHews, PHELPs, WensstEr, G. V. Brooke in these parts—well, I don’t want to be hard upon them, but they certainly don’t play them quite in my manner ! Christmas, 1854.—Have recently turned my attention a good deal to Low Comedy. Played in some garrison theatricals, Tony Lumpkin, and Box in Box and Cox. Local reporter of the Cabbageville Courier insists that ‘‘ BucksToneE is not a bit like me!” Well, although I say it who shouldn’t, but frankly—he isn’t! _ Midsummer, 1856.—Got back to the ‘‘ legitimate” again. Played Wolsey, in selection from Henry the Eighth at Mrs. Trevor Taunton’s Theatricals, at 142, St. Augustine Villas, Kensington New Town. Stage rather small, as Mrs, T. T.’s back drawing-room is only nine feet by twelve. However, was magnificent. At least, so said an Oxford Undergraduate who insisted that I was better than CHartes Kean. Well, well, Cuantey is not bad. Christmas, 1860.—Still hard at work at my acting. I really do believe I have played everything in my time. I have got sixteen large scrap-books full of favourable provincial notices. Rather annoying | cannot obtain recognition at the hands of the London Press. However, to quote a well-known line, ‘‘ A time will come!” Have recently added Ruy Blas to my repertoire. My creation is considered by the best judges to be infinitely grander than FecHTeEr’s. But then allowances ought to be made for FEcHTER’s shortcomings. It must be remembered that he is a foreigner ! Midsummer, 1865.—S8till delighting the provinces. The Gushington Gazette insists that my reading of Lord Dundreary is infinitely pre- ferable to SorHERN’s. Well, I daresay to some people it is, although it is only fair to SorHERN to say, that he is a very promising Comedian who one day will turn out an Actor ! Christmas, 1868.—Taken recently to Irish character. Have played with “startling success” (I quote from the intelligent columns of the Colney Hatch and Hanwell Sentinel) Shaun, Myles na ome and other parts of a similar nature. I am told that Dion BovcicavLT came to see me one evening. They say that I made him cry! Midsummer, 1872.—During the last six months have been appear- ing in a round of CHARLEY MartHews’s characters. Everybody delighted. Representative of Humborough Herald told me at supper that my reading was ‘‘ replete with humour. pathos, sentiment, fun, and deep and almost painful feeling.” Representative of Hum- borough Herald is a most sensible person, and I[ set an especial value upon his opinion. Of course I have an awful respect for CHARLEY MatHews, but Ais reading is not always mine / Christmas, 1880.—Still playing. Really may call myself ‘‘the Grand Old Man of the Amateur Stage.” More than thirty years ago since I first made my appearance, with something actually approaching nervousness, as Richard the Third. But even in those days it was unive y conceded that I was immeasurably greater than the elder Kean. Well, well, perhaps I was, perhaps I was. My favourite characters at the present moment are Romeo, Bob Brierly, Sir Peter Teazle, and — They say I could not be better in any of them! Well, well, perhaps not, perhaps not! I only want one thing to complete my satisfaction—a notice in a London paper. i Christmas, 1882.—At last! The other evening, when J was play- ing at Lady Loarsr’s, I saw SLATER of the Proscenium taking notes. There is sure to be anotice! And here itis! Silly I did not see the Proscenitum before. Let us read :—‘‘ Mr. ——, as ——, has yet to learn how to act. He is the worst amateur that we have ever seen.’ 11!!1! Diary breaks off abruptly. *‘Sweetness and—White.”’ THE Daily News says—‘‘ With all these blue, yellow, and scarlet ribbons for temperance in drink, will no one start a white ribbon for temperance in costume?” We find that since these lines have been — there is not half a yard of white ribbon to be bought in ondon, and the dyers have been busier than ever. VOL. LXXXIV. arty

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 6, 1883. S NS . S : ~ . \ FLO i> By yy We Ce >) te pe cy =o ” “o. y sy S =X a A - ae us v = = Eres i ’ t Z| | ii My a \ (( ( \ : a ( ti, KE YAM | eS Wf ) ) aT XN © A — = ww Lies ah / “a } “\ Whi \ f I Mp | “ZY 7a & » I SOx ar Zo, inks Se yy eizy Py Aas gi We & ‘PlLey. a hwo’ a ate ~ Er. DEL R- Queen of Hearts, Her M-s-sry ; King of Arts, Mr. P-ncu ; Prince Charming, Prince of W-L-s ; The Warrior Bold, Lord W-us-i-y ; Will Watch, Mr. Gu-pst-Nz; Hop-o’-my-Thumb, Lord R-ND-LPH CH-RCH-LL. Other Characters by Sir Cu-Ru-s D-LkE, Mr. CH-MB-RL-N, Mr. T-NN-8-Nn, King C-1-w-yo, Mrs. L-notry, &c., &c.

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Rea

January 6, 1883, ]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

THE CITY OF DREADFUL DIRT. A STORY TOLD TO THE MARINES. (ABouT THE YEAR 3000 A.D.) THERE stood a City in the Western Isle, (This is a tale of Eighteen Eighty-Three, Sirs, ) A City basking broad in Fortune’s smile, With wealth like Crasus, power as wide as CEsAR’s: A City populous, where forum, mart, And fane all flowered in tower and florid pinnacle ; Where common souls talked gushingly of Art, here taste was fine, and even Faith was finical, A Sybaritic City, whose élite he crumpled rose-leaf held abomination ; A oy of two gods, the ‘‘ Light”’ and ‘‘ Sweet,” And one great rite, the ‘‘ Tub,” which meant Salvation. ** An enviable City!”? Ah! rush not Precipitately to a rash conclusion. That City had one Malebolge-blot, One foul fatality there wrought confusion, An Incubus inchoate, palsying, there held sway, Whose mind—they called it so !—was crass, chaotic ; With this result : that City proud and gay Was half the year submerged ’neath mud Nilotic ; Nilotic! Nay, much nastier ; for the slime ’Midst which their civic Dragon ramped and straddled, Outstank, outstuck the stuff where in earth’s prime Its saurian prototypes wallowed or paddled. It clasped that City like a clammy shroud, It lay, a common curse, on road and pavement, Stirred by the tramplings of the stumbling crowd, But slab, adhesive, unrelieved by lavement ; As though some mud-voleano had spumed forth Its spreading spout of foulness o’er it wholly, Whelming it East, and West, and South, and North, In one vast muck-pall black and melancholy. The citizens went forth, with smoke-red eyes, And through the stodgy slime-slough feebly floundered, And now they slipped o’er sheets of icetid size, And now in guifs of mire they splashed or foundered. It stuck, oh, how it stuck! to heels and soles, lt splashed and sputtered over coats and trousers ; It lay in pools, and dark insidious holes, Fit wallowing-pits for Circe’s witched carousers. It stank, oh, how it stank! scarce Tophet’s reek Were more unsavoury unto dainty nostrils. Rain fell anew, and then it ran to seek Confluent floods in wheel-whirled, wind-betost rills. Or slab or sloppy, it was simply Muck, Miry, malodorous, unmitigated, In which, o’er that strange City, splashed or stuck The matutinal cit or clerk belated. They bore it, ah! they bore it. It was strange ! A mystic spell was on them, that seemed certain. They Aad had vision of Elysian change, Loss of mire-sheet and lifting of fog-curtain, Vain, vain! That Incubus huge, formless, void, As the Miltonic Death held empire steady. Squeegees abounded, and the unemployed In hosts to handle them stood ever ready. Taxation’s yoke was heavy on that land, Laws had they, and life’s servitors, the Sciences. Alert and eager ever stood at hand To champion Cleanliness with ’cute appliances, And yet—Oh! ultra-classic tragic doom That might have moved Eumenides to pity— Nought, down from Science to the simple broom, Availed to lift the curse from that great City. “—s and spacious, but slime-fouled, it spread, Mighty, yet a morass of slush and puddle ; == unscraped, unpurged, uncomforted, A he pless, hopeless prey to Mud and Muddle. So that for all its splendour and its fame, Its miles of streets, its piles of bullion ruddy, It passed, and earned a pitiable name in History’s page as—‘‘ Babylon the Muddy! ” [ Whereupon, adds the Scholiast, the Audience of the Myth-Singer dispersed, some with looks of com- passion, but the most with smiles of derisive incredulity.

Mas, RamsporHam has a great difficulty in finding a en to suit her. She thinks she will try some of the new coa Nibs, that she sees so extensively advertised.

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FUTILITY OF Q. E. D. Mamma (who has been vainly struggling to help Tommy with his Euclid), ‘* WHat RvuesBisH IT IS, TO BE SURE! ALL THIS BOTHER TO PROVE THAT A B C Is KQUAL T0 C B D! As IF ANYBODY IN THEIR SENSES WOULD EVER SAY IT WAsNn'T!/”

TRIAL BY JUDGE. (Second and Concluding Portion.) On the Court reassembling after the Holidays, Mr. Baron MupDLEsoME, who presided on the Bench, supported by quite a bevy of Duchesses, proceeded to sum up in the great case of Strap v. Ru/es, which, it will be remembered, turns upon the question whether the Plaintiff, a professed cook, was libelled by the Defendant for insisting that he, the Plaintiff, could not make his own pastry. Befure the formal commencement of the hearing, Mr. BrsstEr, Q.C., asked his Lordship whether he thought he would be very long in concluding his address to the Jury. The trial had now lasted about six months, and as he (Mr. Brssrer), with the greatest possible respect to his Lordship, thought that he (the Judge) might cut it short. Mr. Baron MuDDLESOME was pained at the suggestion. If Mr. BrastEr, who was certainly one of the brightest ornaments at the Bar—— (Applause in which Mr. SLAVEY joined heartily.) His Lordship was greatly surprised at this demonstration ; did not Mr. SLAVEY (who was a stuti-gownsman cer- tainly, but yet a member of the Bar) know that the Court was not a theatre ? Mr. Bissrer rose to explain. His friend and Junior in this case, Mr. SLAVEY, had been of the greatest possible service to him in this action, and he seized the opportunity of personally thanking him for his exertions. (enewed applause, which was immediately suppressed.) Mr. Baron Mupp1LEsomE, who regarded Mr. Brsster as one of the brightest ornaments of the British Bar, was delighted to find that he (Mr. Brsster) had a feeling heart even for an inferior. ; Mr. Brsster had nothing further to add, except that he trusted that his Lordship would make his concluding remarks as brief as possible. His Lord- ship would notice that, for a reason it was unnecessary to mention, his learned friend, Mr. Bustier, Q.C., had already left the Court. He trusted, earnestly trusted, with the utmost respect to the Judge, that his Lordship would not so prolong his remarks that other counsel might be forced, reluctantly forced, to es ~ ae which had been set so excusably by his learned friend, Mr. USTLE, Q.C. Mr. Baron MupDLESOME was most anxious to render himself agreeable to all persons of distinction. He trusted that he had been amusing and instructive

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4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Janoary 6, 1883.

to the Ladies of :Title who had done him the great honour of sharing the Bench with him ? : . A Duchess was here understood to murmur that his Lordship had carried personal courtesy to its utmost limit. ‘ Mr. Baron MuppLEsoME was believed to return his heartfelt thanks, but as the remarks of his Lordship, although offered with gratified gesticulation, were uttered sotto voce, their exact meaning did not reach the box reserved for the reporters of the Public Press. Mr. Brester, with the greatest possible respect, would be glad to learn whether his Lordship thought that he would be able to offer his concluding observations by Easter ? ioe Mr. Baron MuppiEsome had no doubt that he would finish his remarks at that very sitting. (Applause, which was with difficulty suppressed.) He was pained, deep dig wes at that demonstration. It must be remembered that it was his duty to address the Jury on many points of interest. He might here mention that he trusted that the twelve Gentlemen who had so patiently followed this case in this Court, had enjoyed themselves at a recent ceremonial. The Foreman of the Jury, on behalf, of his colleagues, acknow- ledged gratefully the courtesy extended to them by his Lordship in obtaining for them tickets of admission. He wished to add that the summing-up of his Lordship so far had been quite up to the mark. Mr. Baron MupDLESOME was much gratified at this observation. As to the tickets, it would be obvious to the Gentlemen of the Jury that his position in Society enabled him to exert some influence in obtaining favours of a pleasing character. , Mr. Brsster, with the greatest deference to his Lordship, would suggest that, after all this interesting but desultory conversation, a fitting opportunity might now be offering itself for an adjournment for luncheon. ‘ Mr. Baron MuppiEsomg, after consultation with those associated with him on the Bench, ventured, with their Graces’ permission, to differ with Mr. Brssrrr. He would now continue his observa- tions on the case. (Applause, which was immediately suppressed.) It would be remembered that he had already expended some time in explaining the French of some of the maynoos that had been put in. And here he might remark that it was to be hoped that, if any of the Gentlemen of the Jury had dined out during the trial, they would preserve their maynoos, as, considering the deeply interesting Semates of the proceedings which had been honoured by the attention of so many persons of distinction, those cards would be of great historical value. (Zaughter.) He would now turn his attention to the evidence of the experts. It would be remembered that the Defendant had called several professed cooks, who, on account of their great ability in the culinary calling, had been awarded the title of Cordongs Blues. These Cordongs Blues had declared that the dishes said to have been made by the Plaintiff could not possibly have emanated from his hands. Now he (his Lordship) regarded this testimony with much suspicion. It was no doubt true that they had devoted their lives to the pursuit of cookery, but for all that he regarded their testimony with the gravest suspicion. In this case many persons of the highest distinction and the noblest birth had been present in the kitchen while the Plaintiff was actually employed in putting artistic merit, in the shape of sauce and other ingredients, into the various dishes that had occu- ied their attention for so longa time. He had no doubt that Her [asEsTy and the Princess BEATRICE were perfectly competent to give an opinion upon a plar. He might whisper, with the greatest — respect to the Throne, that he had been in a position to earn ocularly that the Queen herself occasionally condescends to visit the palatial koosine, to stir the Christmas pudding! (Enthu- stastic a a Under these circumstances, he could but come to one conclusion—that however competent Cordongs Blues might be to make a maynoo, their evidence could be of no sort of value when weighed in the scales with the evidence of the general Public. (Renewed enthusiastic applause.) Why, it was quite possible that a Cordong Bleu might be called SNooxs! Asa peroration, he would only quote the opinion of the greatest literary man of the present day, who had written—‘“‘ Physicians can tell best the merits of other a, and scientific men can best judge of scientific matters ; ut the public, if fairly educated, are seldom wrong in their verdicts.” So with the intimation that he (the learned Judge) intended, for the future, to listen only to the voice of the Public when he felt out of sorts and required a doctor’s prescription, he dismissed them to consider their decision. Almost immediately the Jury found for the Plaintiff, and the distinguished audience dispersed, after exchanging congratulations with the utmost cordiality.

PISCICULTURAL PROGRESS, _ WE wuualioaee that the Union Steamship Company were send- ing out from Southampton, by their steamer African, to the Govern- ment of Natal, ‘‘ a further supply of trout ova.” So the Government of Natal would receive a regular ovation.

DRURY LANE AND ELSEWHERE. Sinned-badly, and my Pretty Jane—Eyre. The Imperial and Gaiety. Wuat has become of our Pantomimists? Wherever they may be, they do not come to the front at ap | Lane. Even Mr. and Mrs. D’AvuBan do more in the speaking and singing than in the genuine pantomimic line, and young Lavnr is rather a clever acrobat than a pantomimist. Mr. Harry Payne is the last of the Pantomimists, and so very much the last, that, even when four Scenes had been omi' on Boxing Night, he did not make his appearance as Clown until a quarter past eleven. We sincerely sympathised with Mr. Aveustus Harris on that terrible first night, when the Pit was angry, the Gallery tired, and nothing would go right on the e. No doubt by this time everything wor. smoothly, and the Pantomime, including the ‘*comic business’’—as if the first were the ‘serious business”’ of the evening until the Clown comes on and says, in effect, ‘‘ Now we’ll play the fool !””—is probably all over at a reasonable hour. But to what was this first night’s failure attributable? It began well enough—indeed brilliantly ; but it went, as far as acting and singing were concerned, from indifferent to bad, and from bad to worst, until the climax came in an utterly idiotic scene, where comic music-hall talent, represented by ARTHUR RoBERTS, JAMES Fawn, Hersert CaMPBELL, NELLIE Power, VEsTA TILLEY, associated with one ordinarily good comedian, Harry NIcHoLLs, appeared to be doing anything that came into their heads at the moment, with- out rhyme or reason, until it resembled rather the impromptu

Arthur Roberts. Retired from Music-Hall, and he's ‘‘ Never done any- thing Since.” But he will. °— _. Gare 2 , ) Be ENS a AC @) » ‘Ra

Katti Lanner’s Little Kittens. charade got up at Christmas-time by a party of young children, one of whom starts up, and putting a pocket-handkerchief over his head, oo ‘*Look here! Let’s play at being a Judge!” and the others echo, ‘‘ Oh, let’s!’’ than any pantomimic or burlesque scene per- formed by well-known professionals. The loudly expressed disapprobation warned the music-hall Favourites, that, off their wTQ pes , own liar — yee it eb) ||| AGS was dangerous to presume Cie ok! Avy <x on their exceptional popu- ie larity. We are quite wh certain that could we have he ar: the Payne Family back ; again in such a Pantomime as was The Forty Thieves, or if the Voxres Family could be once more what they were in Aladdin, the vast London Public, which dearly loves this form of hi ess tmas enter- tainment, would throng to Old Drury in their tens of thousands, and the Manager would reap a far greater harvest with far less outlay, than he will even now, with the one scene of gorgeous spectacle which leavened the almost intolerable amount of stupidity exhibited on the Boxing Night performance of Sindbad. at became of the story after the first Scene we haven’t the slightest idea. We saw the Old Man of the Sea, who, however, did not get on Sindbad’s shoulders, as he — have done had his representative been a boy “‘ got up”’ as an old man; and then, after

Lauri in his game of Four-feet.

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January 6, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 5 an interval, we saw the Gigantic Roc, with a deal of fumbling, fly off with Sindbad, who then and there disappeared from the story, as we next recognised him dressed up as Britannia, singing a patriotic song, and subsequently in the wig and gown of a barrister, doing nothing particular in an Egyptian police-court. Occasionally we heard a line or two, and occasionally somebody mentioned the name of Sindbad, but on the whole, so to speaks ‘it was ybody’s pan- tomime.” What was everybody’s comic business was nobody’s comic business. // But no doubt |i! this first night’s experiment, rashly tried on the much endur- : ing public, will Manager Harris driven wild by the ‘“* Waits’’ between the have produced Acts. A Christmas Subject. beneficial results, and perhaps, too, the Author may have been called in to suggest the wit and humour suitable for pantomime, which the unassisted music-hall intellect evidently cannot invent for itself. Much better another time to engage Mr. ArTHUR RosERTs, who is really funny, alone, as one of a regular pantomimic troupe. The music lacked spirit, specially the performance of ‘‘ God Save the Queen” in the Overture. Former Conductors, like Mr. Levey or Mr. Kart Meyper, have turned round, faced the audience, and led the National Anthem with a Jullien-like enthusiasm that carried the audience a quarter through the Pantomime; but this ‘‘ go” was lacking on Boxing-Night. Again, whenever there is a “‘ stick” on the stage—(and how many “ regular sticks’ there were !')—a sharp Conductor should be ready to fill up the Aiatus, and drown delay with a storm of wind, and sink disapprobation by a display of brass ; but, unfortunately, when there was a hitch in the scenery or in the action, there was a corresponding stoppage in the Orchestra, which made the deficiency all the more noticeable. And now for the brilliant side of the Show. The Grand Scene of the Procession of the Kings of England, which — ersonages, to judge from their masks, were all of them closely allied to the ancient Hebrew race, and the review of the little soldiers, played by children, and therefore all infantry, is one of the most complete spectacular effects ever seen at Old Drury. It is magnificent — c’est magnifique, mats ce nest pas le ntomime—it is sufficient of itself, owever, to draw all London, and delight all the children. The prettiest and at the same time funniest thing, specially for children, and children are the raison d’étre of all our pantomimes—is the dance of Katrr their dolls, which they alternately fondle and smack. Young Lavri’s four-footed feat of ing round the house is the acro- tic hit of the piece. The transfor- mation scene, by H. Empen, is very effective, and, if less splendid than heretofore, it has the advantage of depending less on mere mechanism. As is usual in Pantomimes, all sorts of advertisements are intro- duced on the stage; but it was a curious kind of compliment—whether suggested as ‘‘ business” by Author, Manager, or Actor—to the Proprie- tors of the journal with the Largest Circulation in the World, for ARTHUR Roserts to haul up the Daily Telegraph for avery small sail!! What did Mr. E. L. Buancnarp mean? It doesn’t, on the face of it, seem very complimentary, does it P _As a Giant and four scenes were deliberately omitted on the first night, and, as we couldn’t stay for Mr. Harry Parnr’s Harlequinade, we may fairly say that we have not as yet seen the Pantomime as a whole. After a second visit we hope to be able to give a far more favourable report of the e Annual than we could ‘con- scientiously do, judging from what we saw of it on Boxing Night. Still, whatever ma: be the present result, we are sure that all, aking for the children, for themselves, and for the Art asso- The real Old Man of the Sea; or, Sindbad overweighted by the Music-Hall Singer. ANNER’S pupils, carrying | T us in asking Mr. Harris to give us another time more of the genuine old Pantomime and less of the modern Music-Hall, _ My Pretty Jane—Eyre, at the Globe, is not a pleasant piece. It is confusing to those who have not read the novel from which it is avowedly taken, and to those who have, the ‘‘ confusion becomes worse confounded,” as Mr. Rochester would no doubt say, did he not generally use an even stronger expletive in con- veying his meaning. Following e directions of Mrs. Guasse, Mr. Writs has ‘‘ first caught his Eyre’ in the person of Mrs. Berwarp Beene, who is no more like the plain, undersized little creature in the novel than Juno of Olympus is like the female Midget lately exhibiting at the Westminster Aquarium. Mr. Cuartes Ketiy on the other hand, no doubt has the personal peculiarity inseparable from Mr. Rochester, still on this occasion his face is not sufficient in itself to constitute his fortune. Of the other characters little need be said. Miss Cantorra LEcLERQ, as - Lady Ingram, obtains a good deal of fun out of ‘a an eccentric bonnet; and Mr. A. M. Dentsoy, ™- merry —— as Lord Desmond, gives quite a Christmassy Ya. Napoleon flavour to the production by treating his part fyit _— a la mode de pantalon. Mr. H. E. RussEtt, as ; the Rev. Mr. Prior, looks and acts like a Wesleyan Archbishop gone wrong. For the rest, the piece leaves an impression on the mind of aimless exits and entrances, feeble dialogues, old—very old—Joe Millers, diluted sermons, and stale sentimentalities. But there is one pon iors ene y to all these amiable little weaknesses. At the end of the Second Act the scream and appearance of Miss D’ALMAINE as Rochester's maniac wife, are simply terrifying. The effect of the fearful peal of laughter, with the + gow awful apparition, upon _the house is electrifying. So powerful is the sensation pro- duced, that when the cry is repeated in Act III. pur et simple, the Curtain falls amidst thunders of surprised applause. With the exception of the scream just mentioned, there is abso- utely nothing remarkable in the new play. Consequently, Mr. Wits might choose, as an oe second title to his drama (as there is already a play bearing the same first name in existence) the well- worn line—Vor et preterea nthil! Or why not have big heads, and play it as a Panto- mimé ? Imperial.—The_ special at- traction here is the Ballet of Equestriennes. ——_ Several capital songs. e story of Valentine and Orson somewhat muddled. : Dresses charming. Dance Miss ELLEN FarRen and CATHERINE VauGHAN delightful. Mr. oA ERRY and his mother, the bear, funny. Imperial.—Ballet of Equestriennes. antomime well mounted. CHARITY BALLS AND CONCERTS. From a letter addressed by the Local Government Board to the City of London Union, it appears that ‘‘ at some of the Metropolitan pauper infirmaries and asylums for the sick it is the practice at certain seasons of the year to permit entertainments to which the friends of the officers are invited, and at which music and dancing are allowed.” This practice is discommended by the L. G. B., as like ty to produce a ‘* prejudicial effect” on the sick poor. Possibly so, if the Matron, Master, and Beadle, with their guests, are accustomed to dance over =. — heads or oars cd poo Sate Oe , ut newspaper paragraph above qui ars the heading o: ‘Music and Dancing in Workhouses.” Now, to these relaxations in those institutions at certain seasons of the year there can be not the least grave objection. For instance, at the present festive season might not even paupers be _—— to enjoy the festivities of music — dancing if they have heart to e idea of a Workhouse Ball at least once a year—a Workhouse Annual Ball—might even seem to any benevolent Board of Guardians a happy thought. Sets of Workhouse Quadrilles and Workhouse Waltzes might be composed expressly for such entertainments, and the dance-music might include a Menuet de la Maison d’ Industrie. It might do the hearts of some of the parishioners good to and see the more youthful attend, of the gallant inmates of a Workhouse salute their partners in a ciated with the Christmas traditions of Old Drury’ Lane, will join | Ball country- dance under the mistletoe-bough, at a bond fide Charity

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[January 6, 1883, THE FESTIVE SEASON.—A PROUD MOMENT. UP A FAMILY TREE! Mr. G. A. Hate, of Pen Ithon, Radnorshire, has been supplying the papers with some strikingly interesting facts relating to the pedigree of Lord WotsE.LEy ; but, as he only connects the illustrious soldier directly with Wiit1am the Conqueror, CHartzs the Bold, CHaRrLEMAGNE, Her Most Gracious Masxsty, and a few dozen other distinguished historical personages, it must be obvious that his account is as sadly garbled as it is meagre and a Turning, however, to Burke’s Stranded Gentry, Chap. XXIX., p. 371, Section 5, we find a good deal more to the purpose, in the graphic account there given of how the first notable WoLsELEY, a twenty-fifth cousin in the third degree to the present Baron, saw the Ark off, and was curiously enough never heard of again. But so remarkable, even in those remote times, seems to have been the recuperative powers possessed by the family, that a WoLsELEY is referred. to by profane historians as having appeared suddenly among the plagues of Egypt. And this is probably the same LuysEY WoLsELEY, who, according. to the Chairman of the Arundel pense f is known to have beaten ConFuctus at Backgammon, settled in the Isle of Wight, and, after looking on at the Battle of Blenheim, founded the fifth Merovingian Dynasty in conjunction with an Irish gentleman of distinction, whose name has, by some mischance, not been handed down to posterity. Indeed, the here- ditary record of the family at this stirring period of its history is most interesting, and no apology is needed for quoting it bodily as it stands in SrancEr’s excellently re quarto edition of MILLER’s Genealogia Jocosa, which furnishes the following significant table :— Trrovr the Tartar (forty-first Baronet) 4 HENRY THE NintH Cartes the » OLIVER CRoMWELL = MARGARET of Bald Wapping Mr. O’Brren (Waterford Branch) Madame Tussavp = PHILip of Sweden Admiral Hows | Mr. D’OrLy CaRTE HELIOGABALUS=JANE EYRE | The Deputy Chairman of the North-Eastern Railway Company, Re NapoLron from whom, by different branch lines, ARABI PacHa and the present Baron WotsELEy are both respectively descended. From the above it will be seen at a giance how profoundly inte- resting and historically important is the nature of the information collected by Mr. G. A. Hatc—information which these few addi- tional but most material facts, it ;is to be hoped, will not only am- plify but elucidate. Mr. G. A. Hare deserves the appreciative thanks of all reasonable men. We hope to hear from him on this subject again. THE NEW PASSENGER. Guard Punch, loguitur :— Come, up with you, youngster! The box-seat at night Seems a little exposed for so youthful a traveller ; However, your Jehu will see you all right. Whither bound? That’s a cruz of which he’ll be unraveller. Old Edax is certain to tool you right through, 5 He’ll not spill the coach, boy, nor leave you the lurch in ; But, as for the weather that’s waiting for you, Who knows, my poor urchin ? Most probably mixed. That old gentleman there, : Like a ghost through the darkness phantasmally hooking it, Would tell you Ais stage had its shifts, foul and fair. .- | Could he take a fresh seat, he’d scarce hurry at booking it. But you, boy! to youth on a box-seat there’s bliss ; Tchick ! tletetoot! Tally ho! and all that is A rapture whose capture what youngster would miss ? is Age says ‘‘ Jam satis.” Up! Edax won’t wait, and his tits won’t stand still. ou’ve a long spin before you,—I hope you’ll enjoy yourself. The world sees your start with a world of “ will, With wonder, hope, fear, as to how youll employ yourself. Bon voyage! be sure, is the general wish. | Edax gathers the ribbons, and calls to his cattle,— One mellow ‘‘ root-tootle,”’ one dexterous ‘‘ swish,”’ And we’re off with a rattle! Sone oF THE AnTI-TRamstTERS.—‘‘ We never use a Big, Big T!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 6, 1883. Ulta | w mrt Uh \ Hi mie My i | Hi | 4 ry Wi | sill uy i INS \N N y \ /| AN if Ky) LUf/ . ~ © ask Me Qe. RM Y ANN \ Vass = NR RN NY < . SS THE NEW PASSENGER.

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VoL ‘ AMA P S ODS ze |

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January 6, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR AGREEABLE BIRTHDAY-BOOK SERIES.—No. 1. SHAKSPEARE. [ Method of using this :—The Motto to face page with dates where your Friends will inscribe their names. The Motto not to be shown till the signature is complete. | JANUARY 1. ; JANUARY 3. How now, you wanton calf! ! We are merely cheat- JANUARY 5. BS 4 ed of our lives by : Not a more cowardly rogue in B JANUARY 2. aS drunkards. all Bohemia. I have great comfort from | Gar this fellow: methinks he hath | | ‘ers pn ea no drowning mark upon him; |; -I do despise a liar as , 2 1 | PEL og I do despise one Ha! a fat woman! sl ener is perfect ga Ve ; eB oy a Ye JANUARY 11. ee — This ancient ruf- JANUARY 7. ' Myke JAN, 10. Pre fi L ih LE ian, Sir, whose Averydishonest .—-% O you beast! (Wo) That, sad . Mares life Lhave spar'd, altry boy. Ss ; % crafty dev i 0 grey penny aN a as his mo- ‘; beard. . 3 ther a -saampaai 0, dishonest Should yield JANUARY 12. wretch ! the world I swore as many this ass ! oaths as I spake A words, JanvaRy 13. w 5) Januaky 15, This man has marr'd KF f, ©, most false Z. Janvary 17, r love! “y his fortune. I’m worse than mad. {-)=|- i B\ Gay January 16, JANUARY 14. Na. , Tis inferr’d to iI) ; Janvary 18. _, Thou hast never in thy A drayman, a porter, ) . P : a Show’'d thy dear mother ul, and h vain a very camel. JANUARY 21. ‘ Sey)!" 2 I hate ingrati- om JANUARY 24, JANUARY 19, 4 se : } ‘ tude more in a : ie i” A woman im- = you stones, Ths ble vain- of >. z JANUARY 23. eda Where ‘wilt ive padent and Bam, rere) RS 3s, mbbling URE a | So young and o “my, And scorer mannish ‘ less things ! F Es Zz untender ! #808 To mask thy O you , hard = JANUARY 22. , Y “oes ). monstrous vis- _— Take the fool ~ aa away ! sco JANUARY 27. Now, what a thing it is to be an ass! JANUARY 25. January 28. Janvary 30. My wife, Sir, whom I detest . a T will go seek before Heaven and your honour. ; va Some ditch wherein to die ; Ly the foul’st best fits tistide te My latter part of life. Thou shouldst be whipp'’d with | Her life was beastly,and devoid of JANUARY 31. wire, and stew’d in brine, pity, I i Smarting in ling’ring pickle. | And, being so, shall have like want por aaa v7 of pity. JANUARY 29. A fool in good clothes. MIDWINTER ANNUALS. DIES NON. ‘CHARITABLE Appeals,” so-called—really, appeals to charity— | : : i : In an occasional leader, the other day, a morning contemporary in smonable dear of news serve ol mace in, the Mmering | ad the pamingobueration that behalf of the “‘ North Pole Mission District Sunday Schoo eek very| ‘The Puritans, who first imported into the weekly anniversary of the useful charity, perhaps ; but has missionary enterprise, then, suc- Resurrection, the austerity and gloom of the Pharisaic Sabbath, did their ceeded in making the discoveries in the polar regions which may be | best at one time to suppress the annual commemoration of the Nativity.” conceived to constitute a reason for the existence of a Mission and a | Sunday School operating in a sphere of usefulness corresponding to| A substantially just remark, no doubt ; but how can Sunday or any the Arctic Circle ? Of course, t the northern ice-fields are not too | other day be aie out a ‘weekly anniversary?” The journal in far North to afford Missionaries a field, there may be some people | which Sunday is so denominated is evidently one whose staff has sufficiently blest with money, and not too far North themselves to | been selected entirely without heed to the principle of the illiberal subscribe some of it to North Pole Missions. intimation that ‘‘ No Irish need Apply.”

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10 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 6, 1883. A GLAD NEW YEAR! \ (By Our Own Dyspeptic.) ‘A Grap New Year!” ahun- dred bards are shrieking, But since I feel intolerably gous, : While doors and windows are insanely creaking In the East wind, is this a Glad New Year ? A Glad New Year! I grow still more dyspeptic, The doctor’s presence seems _ extremely near ; Tis only in a trance that’s cataleptic That I can summon up a Glad New Year. A Glad New Year! I’m very, very bilious ; Blue pill is imminent. Ex- cuse a tear. Is life worth living? Mat- LOCK, supercilious, Would answer No, and scorn a Glad New Year! A Glad New Year! Ah, no! a time of sadness Looms o'er me, for the doctor says, ‘* No beer.” Fain would I get up surrep- titious gladness, But he denies me any Glad Bs New Year. rae A Glad New Year! Those words of mock’ry find me With rates and taxes sadly in arrear ; I can’t be cheerful, but pray do not mind me, ~S And welcome, if you can—a ad New Year! Wuen Mrs. RamspoTHamM heard that her daughter re- sembled Lady JanE GREY, PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 117. THE RIGHT REV. EDWARD WHITE BENSON, D.D., LORD BISHOP OF TRURO. A DISHCLAIMER ! Mr. Ponca, Sur, 5 I REKWESTS as you will kindly inform the Publick as 1 am not the ‘‘ RoBert” so unkyindly eluded to in your last Number of all, page 310, as having become ‘* Defunkt’ and walked off with every- think I could lay my too ands on, but on the contrary that I am as much alive as ever I was, and has as fine a nappy- tight as ever I had, and as to walking off with everythink as I could lay my ands on, tho’ Goodness nose it.wouldn’t be much, and ardly worth the trubble, I trusts as my Cha- rackter not only from my last plaice but from every plaice as I have had and kep ’till kyind fortune offered me a betterer, is suffishint to pre- serve me from any such rib- bled slarnder. 1 am, Sur, Yours respectably, Your own ‘“ Ropert.” Harp Lines.—The lines that would have to be described y in schools if the plan proposed VIS at the late Head Masters’ Y] hippy: 7 Conference were adopted, of Wp, Yr teaching ‘‘exactly what places A oriepek in: sak! a straight line drawn be- 2 ese tween London and Exeter, or pe Uy PSS 0 “UN Ly 1 4 IAS, 4, ee London and Carlisle would “Ww, er ass through.” Very hard Af | oss indeed for the schoolboys required to draw them. Ir the Proprietor of the Holborn Restaurant were to start for the Derby, why is it more than probable that he she immediately searched a|TaE NEW ARCHBISHOP. He sarp “‘ Noo EpiscoPaRi ;” BUI THEY NAMED | would win it ? modern Peerage for the pedi- gree of that Lady. was— To OpticE Benson.” THE PiEcE IN WHICH HE WAS TO TAKE A PRINCIPAL PART, AND IT Why? Because he always gets so much a-head. i secure office of ‘‘ Inspector-General of Arson NOTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR. (By a Gentleman on the look-out for something to turn up.) JANUARY.—Twelfth Day on the 6th. Why not apply to leading | Stationers to be made ‘‘ Designer-in-chief for Twelfth Night charac- ters” ? 9th, Fire Insurance expires. Surely, ought to be able to ” to some of the Com- panies? 13th, Cambridge Lent Term begins. Post of ‘‘ Backer of Bills (for a consideration in ready money down) to impecunious Cantabs”’ should be lucrative. Failing all these schemes, write to my Mother for an advance. February.—1st, Pheasant and Partridge Shooting ends. Idea for a army J (of which I am to be ey bg el, ‘* The Country Squires’ Game Protection Society.” If the Squires don’t bite, try the other interest with ‘‘ The Association for the Encouragement of Poaching in all its Branches.” If the above doesn’t turn up trumps, apply to my Father for a remittance. March.—2\st, Hilary Law Sittings commence. Why not ask the Lorp CHANCELLOR to make me “‘ Repairer in Ordinary to the Wool- sack” ? Duties: See that somebody keeps it nice and tidy, and receive myself five hundred a-year for the trouble. Surely, there are lots ot snug little posts of this sort flying about. If this idea fails, apply to my Sister for a little money to go on with. April.—5th, Dividends due at Bank. Organise a ‘‘ Personally- conducted tour to Italy and back for £5.” Distribute Coupons franking my party (per long sea-route) as far as Boulogne, an see them comfortably on board. Devote some of the remainder of the proceeds of my enterprise to a ticket taking me safely out of reach of my constituents—on their return to look after me! Should this capital notion come to nothing lucrative, apply to my Brother for a small loan, to be returned at two days’ date, bearing sixty per cent. interest. , ; May.—9th, Half-Quarter Day. This suggests an eight—aquatic. Get up a Champion Contest for International Crews from all parts of the world. Magnificent Cup (supplied by advertising jeweller) to be given to the Eight that wins the race (an annual one) sixteen times in succession. Until the Contest is decided, keep the Cup (valued at one thousand guineas) myself. For fear of accidents, deposit it (on loan) with Mr. ATTENBoRoUGH. 13th, Whit Sunday. On _the Monday apply to Mr. Gtapstonr, or Mr. Spurgeon, or Lord SmarresBory, or Lord Chief Justice CoLertnGe, for funds with which to start a comic paper. If none of these celebrities quite ‘‘ see their way” to adopting my idea, utilise my introduction to them by obtaining orders for a wine merchant on commission. If these capital notions come to nought, write an earnest letter to my Aunt, begging her to save me from starvation. : June.—18th, Battle of Waterloo. Something to be done in the Military Line. Why not start a ‘Staff College for Officers of Volunteers ?” Easily obtain applicants by designing a smart uniform for the students—gold epaulettes, scarlet tunics, and plumed cocked hats. Students to be allowed to wear their uniforms at Fancy Balls. In event of failure, write a letter to my Uncle, threatening to commit suicide on his doorstep, when he will have all the pain and discomfort of an inquest on his premises, unless he immediately d| forwards to me a letter, post paid, containing a Five Pound Note. July.—13th, The Berlin Treaty signed, 1878, Write to BisMaRcx, offering services as a spy. If accepted, obtain employment at the

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January 6, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ll ny \ ie { rn ! 5 i u wa ee ee a ( i} —T “ PERDU.” HERE You ARE! Waat Recluse (chuckling). ‘‘ YEs, HERE I AM, WITH MY PicTUREs AND MY BooKs; AND HERE I CAN SIT AND READ ALL DAY LONG, AND NosoDy A BIT THE WISER!” Visitor, *‘Oa, HO! FounD you our! fy nti Hit i} { | ly | }} THOUGHTS ON THE NEW PRIMATE. W. E. G. Should have liked Cuurcn or Lippon. But what’s the use of thinking of it? Brnson safe, and respectable. Any Bishop. Benson? Really, I think there been a slight want of discrimina- tion. . Several Deans. Shows poverty of inven- tion always to select Primate from the Episcopal Bench. The High Church School. Now we shall have the Church ‘‘ as by Lavup established.” The Low Church Party. We feel Rytep. The Broad Church Ditto. Wonder if he’s ever read TYNDALL or HuxtEy ? Spurgeon. Ah, well, what’s the odds so long as they ’re happy ? ean of St. Paul's. If those newspapers hadn’t said I had been appointed, 1 do believe I should have been offered it. Old Wellington Boys. Won’t the Curates catch it now? Oh, no! 1} a | FOG ON THE BRAIN. Fos, that have lately smirched the sky, And turned, ofttimes, our day to night, Ye London Fogs, inform us why You’re yellow, some, and others white. The Fogs are deaf, the Fogs are dumb, But each Professor, prompt, replies, ‘* Fogs, white, of Nature simply come j But London smoke Fog yellow dyes.” What makes the Fog, then, white one day, But turns it yellow on the next, Smoke equal, either? Sages say, And clear the mind by Fog perplext. Tue Civic FestrvE Szason.—Dinner at the Mansion House :—A substantial repast of real turtle-soup, fish, flesh, fowl, and innumerable other delicacies, besides the good old English Christmas fare, roast- beef and plum-pudding. A SNUG LITTLE Den!” Financial Rerorm.—Begins at home with every financier not a fool. Foreign Office at tenpence an hour, and supply His Highness with copies of any secret despatch that may be given to me to be copied. Should my proposal be ‘‘ declined with thanks,” take a top-floor in St. James’s Street, and start a new institution to be called ‘‘ The Senior Whites and Boodles Club.” Collect Entrance Fees and First Years’ Subscriptions, and wind up the affair as speedily as possible. If I find these ideas a blank, write to my Cousins a circular letter commencing, ‘‘ You are the only person in the world from whom I would ask a favour,” soliciting pecuniary contributions. August.—11th, Dog Days end. Get up a Canine Show, not under the patronage of the Kennel Club. This should obtain the hearty support of hundreds of unsuccessful dog-breeders. Sell all the exhibits to fanciers living abroad, and depart with the proceeds to South America. 24th, St. Bartholomew. Suggests a hospital. Obtain admission to one of these institutions, and, after I have been there a fortnight, threaten the resident staff with exposure unless I am fed with al/ the game presented to the patients by illustrious sportsmen. If neither of these plans yield anything, write to the richest Mr. Sarru I can find, claiming relationship with him through a recently deceased nobleman. September.—9th, Sebastopol taken, 1855. Appeal to the public to rovide funds for a good dinner to be given to Crimean heroes. ‘hen I have collected the contributions, dine with myself, having failed to discover the warriors in question. Anything that may be over, devote to a ‘* benevolent object,’’ remembering that ‘‘ charity gins at home.” again find my ideas unproductive, write to my dearest friend asking for my passage-money to Aus- tralia—and promising on my arrival at that distant colony to stay ere. October.—10th, Oxford Michaelmas Term begins. Go shares with the President of any South American Republic to establish a new University to be called by the same title as the Dark Blue School of Learning. Then sell Degrees freely to anyone who will purchase them. ‘'M.D.’s” and ‘‘ D.D.’s” should find a good market amongst the ambitious but unlearned. If my coffers are still unfilled, write to the best-known philanthropist I can remember, asking for a donation, and promising to spend half of his contribution in advertising his bounty. November.—9th, Lord Mayor’s Day. Make a grand effort to obtain something from the City. Offer to teach Aldermen when and how to use the aspirate, in return for election to the post of Remem- brancer. If I promise to regard the post as ornamental rather than useful, I should have no difficulty in securing their suffrages. 26th, Prince Teck born. ‘‘ Teck” suggests ‘*‘ tick.” Start a Co-operative Store on the credit system. Send circulars to the inmates of Colney Hatch and Hanwell—from whom I may expect cordial support. If I fail once more, write a letter (as a very last resource) to the Secre- tary of the Charity Organisation Society. : : December.—21st, Shortest Day. Devote it to making up my gains for the past year. No doubt I shall find plenty of time for this probably purely honorary occupation. Lastly, to show that my hopeful impudence has no bounds, enclose in a letter a contribution to Mr. Punch—for his waste-paper basket—and ask to be paid for it! SHELTER FOR THE STEED. AccorpIne to Galignani, one Herr THEopoR BuHLMANN, has invented an umbrella for carriage-horses, called the Pferde- parapluie. This parapluie also serves as a parasol, so as to protect the horse from the sun, as well as to shield him from the showers, and render him comfortable under the rein.

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12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Janvary 6, 1883. ROBERT’S CHRISTMAS STORY, WHICH IS A FACT. Tuts being rather a slack time with Gents of my perfesshun, I was a-setting alone in our cosy little dining-room afore the fire, a-reading of your emusing Publycashun, when a Gentleman rushes in and he says to me, says he, ‘‘ Waiter, can I make you my friend?” **Why, suttenly, Sir,” says I, a-glancing naterally at his wens poo but he didn’t seem to understand the delicate elusion. ‘‘ Well, then,” says he, ‘* wats the best veer, oe a bad cold—starving or feeding ?” I natrally, without the slitest hesitashun, says ‘‘ Feeding.” ‘* What food?” says he. ‘* Why,” says I, “a i bason of hot thick Turtel soup and half a pint of punch.” ‘‘ Then, bring it,” says he, and I brort it. ‘‘ What’s to foller?” says he. ‘‘ Leave that to me, Sir,” saysI. ‘‘SoI will,’’ says he. : So I gos and gives the orders, I then cums back, and, while he ate his boiling hot soup, took the opportunity of having a good look at him. He was a fine tall handsome fellow about 35 years old, quite the gentleman in every way, with the whitest hands as I ever seed on a man’s arms, but with such a fearful cold on him as beat all I ever heard. Lawks how he did sneeze and corf and blow, and then blow and corf and sneeze! It was summat a’most awful to witness and lissen to. Presently, wile I was handing him his ecutlette o tomart, he says, ‘*What’s your name?” ‘‘ Ropert, Sir,” says I. Then says he, ‘* Roper, can I have a bed here?” ‘‘ Certainly,” says I; ‘‘ about as cosy a one asin all London! ‘‘ Then let me have the best you’ve got,” says he; “‘and make a roaring fire in the room, and take off the sheets and put on 2 extra blankits.” ‘‘ All right, Sir, says I,” and I orders it. I then gave him a salmy of woodcock, which he said was the best he had ever tasted, and which he finished off to the werry last, together with a pint of our dry monopoly. I followed this up with a lovely cut of mutton, and that again with a Fezzant and a pint of our werry finest Burgundy, and he didn’t leave much of either. I then gave him a nice little plum pudding about the size of a cannon ball, with brandy sauce, and a pint of our ’31 port with his cheese. By this time such a change had cum over my poor patient as one could ardly credit if ‘you didn’t see it. His sneezin and his coffin and his blowing was amost stopt, and his cheeks was as rosy red as a peech, and his eyes was as bright as dimens, and he larft as he eat, and he larft as he drunk, and acshally made me take a glass of wine with him! Drecly he had finished his dinner, without aye another minnit, I sees him up to bed, when, first telling me to cal him percisely at 8, he littorally tears his close off, and then jumps in between the blankits and is fast asleep, as I could werry distincly hear, afore I could have said Tom Robinson, if I had wanted to say it, which of course I didn’t. I tucked him up comfortable, took his candle away for fear of accidence, and so left him. The nex mornin, at 8 o’clock punkshal, I knocks at his door, but gitting no anser, I gently opens it, when as the Poet says, “Oh ye Gods and little Fishes, what a site met my view!” for there was nobody there! To rush down stares was the work of only a few minutes, though I has a great dislike to hurried stares, but nobody could give me any noose of my runaway with the bad cold. Of course when I began to think, when it was two late as usual, nothink is easier than for a reel Gentleman to walk out of his hotel of a morn- ing without paying his Bill. If anybody seed him would they like to stop him and say, hi! where are you a-going to? Of course not, specshally if the said Gentleman stands 6 feet 1 in his 2 stockings. Need I say as how as the Guv’nor was that angry that he used langwidge to me that in his carmer moments I dessay he repented on, tho’ somehow he has forgotten to menshun it. ell, as may be supposed, what with the ’noyance of being swindled, let alone losing my own little fee, and the chaff and sarkasm of my fellow men, that day was the longest to me, altho one of the werry shortest to all other people, that I efer spent. a But what says our great Philosefer, ‘“‘ When things are got to there wust they’re allus sure to get mended.” And so it was with me, for the following morning I received a letter to this remarkable | 3 effec :— **My coop DEAR RoBERTO, . ——, Herts. ‘* Your wise counsel and your judicious and fatherly treat- ment of me yesterday, enabled me to keep the most important engagement of my life with the most perfect satisfaction to all con- cerned. I awoke thoroughly well and in excellent spirits just in time to catch my train, but much regret that in my necessary haste I forgot to pay my little bill. I enclose a £10 note with which please settle it, and accept the balance as a small recompense for a most important service. bec | most — ” Something in the ring of the tone of the letter awoke my suspicions, and looking in a certain collum of the Times for 2 or 3 days suck- sessively I ewentually read the following enouncement :— “On the —— inst. at ——, Hertfordshire, by the Right Rev. the Bishop of Buttock Smrruy, assisted by the Reverend J. Cuap- BAND, M.A., and the Reverend E. Sricerns, A.M.; C—— B—— ae Esq., younger aS oa va Gan Fede» of tae —shire, 0 aughter of Sir Gorarus Mmas, i —— Place, Herts.” oo —* Of course my natteral dellicassy suggests the consealing of the reel names, but in every other respec I can say with the sillybrated Prestodigyertatos, ‘‘ There is no decepshun ! ’ Ropert P.S.—Should any one of your many hundreds of thowsens of readers be a sufferer from the same calammity as Mr. C. B. M., Esq. was a-sufferin from, weather in the same hintristing condishuns or not don’t matter, and will communekate with me at the old edress Fleet Street, I shall be happy to treat him on the same liberal terrums, which he will find nicer, effectiver, cumfertabler, and cheaper in the long run than taking all the nasty Doctor’s stuff in Herpothecarry’s Hall. R THE BIOGRAPHICAL BOGIE ; On, WHAT IT MAY SOON COME TO. ScenE—An Enterprising Publisher’s Sanctum. Enter a Spirited Literary Executor. Enterprising Publisher (with caution). Hal Good morning, Mr. SprasHumM. Well, since I wrote to you yesterday, I’ve been thinking the matter well over, and I want you to understand, before we go farther into it, that though your late distinguished Unele was unquestionably a striking and notable public figure,—that alone, in these days, is not enough to warrant us in anticipating a marked success. To put a plain business-like question in plain business- like language,—Are you sure that your materials, valuable and interesting as they doubtless are, are also sufficiently spicy to tickle the market ? Spirited Literary Executor (with confidence). There is not a repu- tation in London, my dear Sir, that is not more or less smirched— badly smirched ; . ile several—believe me, I am not putting it too — —are fairly blasted out of Court. It will be one of the mos' put out. : Enterprising Publisher. Well, you give an encouraging account of it, certainly ; and, if it’s all > we say, it’s just the sort of thing IT should like to get hold of. uld you give us a specimen now ? How, for instance, does the Pendulum Controversy come out ? There ought to be some rare pickings on that ? Spirited Literary Executor (with enthusiasm). There are! Shall I read you a page or two? I have the MS. with me. [Produces it, Enterprising Publisher (much interested). Do. I amall attention. [And 13, while Spirited Literary Executor gives several racy extracts from a journal which, after detailing how a well- known Cabinet Minister, now living, was met on one occasion being carried on a stretcher by four policemen to Bow Street, relates the manner in which a very exalted foreign Per- sonage was found picking pockets in the hat-and-cloak- _ room at a memorable Admiralty Reception. Spirited Literary Executor (continuing and finishing a neat and naive narrative, compromising the honour of several illustrious and noble families). ‘‘ And, with the Aquarium ticket in her pocket, the Duchess was found under his table; and though the Cabinet entirel: condoned the matter, B—— told me that the Duke would be satisfi with nothing short of a run down to Windsor with the whole par- ticulars, and was only pacified, on getting J——’s place and £1500 hush-money, from X—— into the bargain.” _ Enterprising Publisher (with enthusiasm), Capital! Just the style! “ Pointed, pithy, and pungent.” But you’ll do better to drop initials. They ’re weak. (Warming.) Stick in names, my boy. The Public like ’em. So do I. Spirited Literary Executor. Quite so: and -_ shall have them. propos, when this is placed,—I’ve got something better to follow! _ Enterprising “Publ cher ( d Gad, Sir! b n { ublisher (quite carried away). , Sir! bring it to me when this is floated, and whatever it is, he me! if we won’t have it out, and, if need be, face a thundering good action for libel, and get heavily cast together ! (But, fortunately for the dignity of letters, and the sacredness of private social life, to the a of all right-minded people, they wait a bit first—and think tt over. g and widely-read biographical high-class memoirs ever A Serious Sert.—Title of a new book lately published :—Amuse- ment and Instruction ona New Plan, Happy Sunday Afternoons. A promising announcement. But 0, it doesn’t imply either the ap- proaching repeal of Sunday Closin tion, or the pros of an Act for the Opening of Museums 8 Exhibitions on Sundays! ee suck anti exp tone shar ip org He! @ > TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders. by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover.

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January 13, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 13 A TRAITOR. Fare (noticing the decoration). ‘‘OH! so YOU BELONG TO THE BLUE RiBBoNn Army!” Cabby. ‘‘ Yes, Str, I wear THE RiBson. IT 1nDoocES GEN’LEMEN TO TEMP’ ME WIIH A DRINK, WHICH I GENERALLY ACOEP’s, Sir!” THE MODERN KING PEST. ‘*T had a dream which was not all a dream.” How I got there I cannot precisely tell. But it was a eingular scene, and strange was the companionship into which I had fallen ; fallen unawares, and, as yet, it appeared unheard and unnoticed. A convivial gathering it seemed. Convivial! So is HoLBErn’s grim mas- querade of Mors called a Dance. Yet merry enough the oddly assorted convives appeared, merry with sardonic mirth and metallic cachinnation. They sat, or rather sprawled, around what seemed a trestled-board. The place reeked with a miasmatic mist, through which their grotesque forms gleamed fitfully, shiftingly, indefinably. And what was that odour, that sense-searching and stomach-stirring odour, so peculiar and yet so indescribable? Why was it vaguely associated in my mind with mire-clogged streets and many baskets, with sudden whiffs over shabby hedges in inchoate suburbs, with staggering notice-boards, and shouting cart-tenders, with six in the morning in City squares, with new bricks and cracked stucco, with a mysterious mixture of crude spick-and-spanness and incipient decay? Why “Civilisation!” cried one of the guests, catching up the last word of his neighbour’s speech, ‘‘Ha! ha! ha! Civilisation is your only joke! ’Tis a dull world, but he who can mouth that word without laughter, might defy Momvs’ self to move his leathern midriff.”’ The laugh of this gentleman was like the “‘ clucking” of a half-dry pump- sucker. His face was hard, saffron-hued, and of a singular metallic sheen, as of an embodiment of jaundice cast in bronze. Whether he looked more cruel | ™ or more comic it were hard to say. A personage with the facial hardness of an antique knocker, and the set grin of a mediwval gargoyle is likely to wear an expression too equivocal for summary analysis. “* Ah, Mam., old man,” hissed his ris-d-vis, in a curiously stealthy and snaky tone which made me creep. ‘‘ Civilisation is a blundering general, a sort of sham Cesar, thrasonic enough in all conscience, who’d fight a locust-swarm with Armstrongs. Fancy planting a battery of field-guns against a phalanx : — F ancy barring mere solidities like doors and windows against me / e! he! he! The laugh of this creature was like the jerky hissing of steam from an escape-valve. I preferred that of the previous speaker. Facially he was as phantasmal as the other was stolid,—grey, agape, aghast, with shadowy hands which writhed hither and thither like the arms of an octopus, but soundlessly and as it seemed aimlessly. ‘““Typhy, Typhy,” creaked his next-door neighbour, harshly, ‘‘ you are getting an intolerable egotist. You’ve been so much talked about by our loquacious minatory modern Augurs, that you begin to think you are everybody and everywhere. Where and what would you be without our honoured President ? ” Here, as with one accord, a7 all turned toward a figure at the head of the board, with a sort of co-operative chuckle of inarticulate gratulation, and, lifting high their goblets, clinked, and drank in his honour and to his health. Though I noticed that at the word ‘‘health”’ a singular spasm, whether of mockery or of pain I could not tell, seemed to writhe their vaporous forms and wrinkle their weird faces. This figure was cloaked and masked like a transpontine villain, so that i could not distinguish his features. Portly he was, that his garments could not disguise ; complacent too, that his attitude abundantly indicated. A buge diamond ring flamed on his fat hand. Like the odour, that ring and that hand seemed strangely familiar to me. And, when he spoke, that oily, throaty, thra- sonic voice awoke strangely mingled memories of swag- gering wealth and creeping squalor, of wind-shaken chimneys and rain-pierced roofs, of sweating walls and sodden pathways, of swampy exhalations and of sepul- chral smells. Why? **Gentlemen all, I thank you,” said he, nodding right and left, with what seemed a specially marked salutation to the saffron-faced gentleman at his right hand. ‘In fact, I don’t know what you would do without me. My good friend Mam. and I are a sort of conjoint special providence for you Typhy, for you, Rheumy,—don’t quarrel, you are both excellent fellows, 1’m sure,—and tor all you other honourable members of the great Pest family. Bless you, but for me and a friend or two of mine, you might have been improved off the face of the civilised earth ere now.” ‘Hear! Hear! Hear!” chuckled, croaked, creaked, hissed, gasped, gurgled, groaned and gibbered the ghastly guests in ghostly chorus. ‘Thanks once more,” continued the Masked One. ‘* And now, as we are all thoroughly primed for it, I’ll call upon Mam. for a song.” Nothing loth, the Saffron-visaged One arose, and, in a voice as metallic as the chinking of coins in a miser’s wallet, quavered forth the following ditty :— “Oho! and oho! for a good ‘ Free Shoot,’ The home of disease’s germs! The deadly composts that force to fruit The Tree of Death. To our League rich ‘ loot ;’ Fair food for our friends the worms! Oho! for the damp and the broken drain, The floors that are laid on slush ; The rotten roof that lets in the rain, The untrapped pipe and the muck-choked main ; The gases that reek and rush! And hurrah! for the man who the forces of Health Can baffle, break, bewilder ; For the friend of Disease and of plague-spreading stealth, Our Chief, the ——’’ But here I could not refrain from a cry of horror. It was echoed by a louder one from the gathering of ghostly guests ; and with a sort of strange soft shock, as of cloud- masses crashing together, the whole grim poquatey dis- appeared, and I found myself in a damp, dirty suburban waste, gazing across a low level swamp of ‘‘ Land to be Let for Building Purposes ’’ into an evil-smelling hollow, hard by which s a staggering board bearing the familiar legend :—‘‘ Rubbish may be shot here.” ‘* Hillo, old fellow, how are you?” sounded a voice in y ear. Horror! It was the voice—the same fat, complacent voice ; and its owner, the paunchy, pompous, long-pursed personage with the swaggering air, the diamond ring, and the rakish hat, was none other than my old acquaintance, Juason, THE JERRY-BUILDER! !! SHAKSPEARTAW Messact FROM Mr. D’Oyty Carte To His Pir DookKEEPER.—‘“‘ Whenthe Queue comes, call me /” VOL. LXXXIV, Cc

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 13, 1883, A MARRIED ‘“ MASHER.” ‘*AND PRAY, ALGERNON, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY COMING Home AT THIS TIME OF Nicat ?” Festive Husband, ‘‘ Every OTHER P-P-PLACE WAS SHUT, MY LOovE!” Indignant Wife. FAREWELL TO THE “FESTIVE SEASON.” Merry Christmas is over, and so’s New Year's Day, And one more “‘ festive season” has faded away ; Barnt are holly and mistletoe, stopped is the swill, And the gorge, and the press-gush ’bout peace and good-wi . Come, take we the physic we most of us need,’ Brave boys, after surfeits when surfeits succeed ; The doses and — which repletion demands To lighten our brains and to steady our hands. We pause after turkey, plum-pudding, roast beef, Mince-pie, and the rest, with a sense of relief. Something rather too much of too many good things ! It is well for us Old Father Christmas hath wings. }| Farewell Father Christmas, and Christmas Appeals "| On behalf of the Poor that need clothing and meals ; Appeals once a year that at Christmas ‘abound : But the Poor we have still with us all the year round. To Christmas farewell with a light heart we say, When we’ve paid all the bills we were then bound to pay ; With a still lighter heart if our bills came to nought, And we paid o’er the counter for all that we bought. That Christmas is gone glad is many a one, Whose means being slender, whom divers cads dun ; Christmas-boxes on various pretences beseech : British *‘ fellahs” accustomed to beg for backsheesh, Go, Christmas! ’tis well thou but com’st once a year ; For thou com’st, whensoever thou dost come, severe. For the greenest of Yules brings diseases and ills, And demands for donations plus payment of bills. Where is the Difference ? Tue Daily Telegraph thinks the conversion into a dry goods store of Booth’s Theatre in New York, originally erected as a permanent home for the ‘ Legitimate Drama,” is a ‘‘ Curious Theatrical Metamorphosis.” We cannot see it, for the reason that dry goods and legitimate drama are almost synonymous terms. New Notice sy Mr. Fartni at THE AQUARIUM.— ‘Krao,” the “strange hairy little creature,” will receive company. N.B.—Entrance without knocking. Ask for the Hairy Belle. THE CHILDREN’S FANCY COTTON-DRESS BALL AT THE MANSION HOUSE. WELL, I thinks that upon the hole I have seen perhaps more mag- niffisent sites, and more egstrownery sites, than must people, be they Princes or Dooks or even Aldermen, cos why? Why becos the lookers on sees more of the site, as the other lookers on sees more of the game, than the swells in the one case or the players in the other Bat on Fursday last I suttenly seed the sweetest and the prettyest and the most intrestingest site as ever I seed since I fust opened my eyes. The Lorp Make and the Lapy Maress, bless their kind loving arts! giving up for wunce, without a sy or a tear, the com- pany of the hiest and the mityest of the land, asked about a thousand of the lovelyest children as ever was borne to dress themselves up in the most butiful and tastyfulest clos as money or good taste could buy or could borrow, and to come and dance at the Manshun House before them and their elustreous friends ! Ah! that wasasite! Why I was in that wirl of egsitement that I ardly knowed what I was about at fust, and acshally kept a helpiog myself to claret cup and common things of that sort and drinkin good elths with the dear Children. There was one brite little Chap in partickler who was dre like a Baker, all in white with cherry ribbons, like a Baker I spose on his birth-day or his weddin-day, who made quite frends with me, and acshally asked me what they calls | think a Commun-drum! A Gent had drunk some wine out of a glass and then left it, so the little chap says to me, says he, *‘ Why ought that glass of wine to be ashamed of itself? Give it up?” “Yes.” ‘Coz it’s half drunk,” says he, and away he runs. _ Well, { larfed to that extent that I spilt three or four glasses of Negus afore I could get my and steddy. Then there wastwo lovely little deersdrest just likefairys with wands in their little ands, and | really shouldo’t have been at all surprized if they conjured us all into meer angels or animals or sumthing of that dredful sort, they did look so real like. Then there was prin- cesses and shepherdesses with their crooks, and little Red Ridin Hoods, and Robbing Hoods and Archers, I means Jockeys, an Agiptians with their pretty little faces half covered up with muz- zling, and then there was some nice little girls a imitatin their elders by dressing theirselves up like the other sects, and there was some werry short Highlanders, and all kinds of Forreners and other strange people. But lor how kind it was of the Lorp Manx to ask about a duzzen of the werry poorest children to come and mix with the rest, just for wunce in thar poor lives, such as a poor little fishing-boy, and a butcher-boy with his tray, and a poor little labourer in a sm frock, and one or two common sailor boys and pilot’s boys in sow- westers and grate sea-boots, and really after a little while they seemed just as much at home as the rest. Ah, what stories these poor little chaps will have to tell when they go back to their poor umble homes! In the midst of all the fan who should wark in, quite carm and cool, but Mr. Caan, the Chinese Giant and his little midge of a son. Well, they two contrasts caused such a excitement that all us Waiters couldn’t wait no longer, but rushed out with one accordeon into the Lobby and had as good a look as the rest. Soon after this, all the little deers was ordered to set down on the floor all round in a cercle to hear the sillybrated Conjuror a i in several places at once and a teaching his little boy ‘‘ How du the little bizzy B,” and they made about the biggest as well as the loveliest Bookay as ever I seed. And, bless their dear little arts, how they did larf—aye, and so did sum of the big ones too, when they thort as nobody wasn’t a looking.

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Janvaby 13, 1883,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Y) SSS A mw “1 HOPE 1 DO ANNAN wan wy N Agel y ~ a - RAL Sedan esas Yeo N’T INTRUDE!” Why, even the Lonp Mark larfed to that extent at Mr. Punch, that the tears a most run down his rite honnerable cheeks. Ah, that’s one of the wanders of the world, that is; igh and low, rich | and poor, learned like ourselves, or hignorant like the lower orders, all enjoys their Punch, tho I must say as his morality is that ques- tionable that I should not hold his Mirror up to Nature for my own family cercle. ere was one thing as was forgotten to be purwided amid all the other luxuries and dellycasies of a waricd Menu. There was no Ginger Beer, and I had to enounce the sad fact to a Page of the time of Brityserious, I think he was, to a Marqueeze of the time of Lovgry Catrorze and to two Normandy Pheasants, and grately dis- — they all seemed, os the Page. By way of contrast, the Son of a Common Counselman, I should th about 13 years old, found fault with the Shampagne and asked for a dryer brand! Ah, he’s his Father’s own son, he is, and ill make a blooming Common Counselman one of these days a few years hence, when the Corporation, so to speak, has got a little enlarged. The prettyest dance of the evening was the Highland Skottish, danced to the tune of ‘* The Camels are coming,” the same | tune I spose as they played in Egyp. | And my final remark at the close is, strange tu say, in regard to | the close, for 1 never should have thort it possibel, if I hadn't seen | it with my own too eyes, that such butiful dresses as was worn then could all have been made out of Cotton, no, not if Alderman Corton, who I saw a-marching about looking like a Prince or a Duke, had himself a-superintended all the Dress Makers. One delekasy woulder bin in keepin with the okayshun. I mean a Cottonum cheese on table. But praps it is still ‘‘in keepin” —for the nex entainment, as I dident see nothin of it myself. jronepr, Poor Mr. BEtt, in spite of the verdict in his favour, has been so overcome that it is probable he will give up the ghost. Tue Reat Covent GarpEN PantomrmmE.—The game of Spill anc | Pelt performed daily in Mud-Salad Market.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 13, 1883. A PAIR OF SPECTACLES AND DIFFERENT SIGHTS. Recrrg, or, in this instance, ALF.- THompson-and-’alf-RoBERT-REECE-ipe, for making a ‘“‘Grand Spectacular Ex- travaganza’’:—Take a familiar Fairy Legend. Cut off its head, dock its tail, and carefully, dislocate, all its articulations, till its story is as incohe- rent as Foorsr’s and as null as the Needy Knifegrinder’s. Distribute its disjecta membra over four mortal: hours of jumbled spectacle, ballet, nigger non- sense, step-dancing, circus tricks, sen- - gational effects, and acrobatic evolutions. Mix and season throughout with Music- Hall spice of the strongest savour. Serve up hastily and half- cooked in crude indigestible gobbets. The above we deduced from witnessing the first night’s representation of The Yellow Dwarf, at Her Majesty’s. As to Queen Kokottina, she was all the Great VANCE panies her, and must have “Great Attraction for the Holidays !! en a Vision of Delight, | indeed, to innocent children and their careful Mammas. None but himself could be his parallel,—unless one can conceive a Cockney Caliban playing the part of a Whitechapel Penthesilea. ** Why was I born so beautiful > And why was I born so young ?’’ queries the Inimitable. Why, indeed? Or with such a modest front ? or with such a mellifluous voice ? or with such piquantly pea- cocky jerkiness of song, or with such ravishing facility of gesture and wink? Or, for the matter of that, why at all—save, perhaps, to accentuate the victory of the Music-Hall over the Theatre, and charm our ladies, and enchant our little ones with the blatancies and brutalities heretofore unfairly reserved for the apraent of —a and shop-girls, of howling cads and ow boys- about-town Yet, in this yretigions, ill-made Datos yeiting, there were plenty of plums, to extracted by any critical Jack Horner who could keep his stall and his temper for four hours at a stretch. The spectacular part of the business was capital, when it would work,— which, as a rule, on the first_night, it wouldn’t. The Ballet of, Fans was very pretty. Another dance, the quaint and comical ‘ Dolls’ Quadrille,” was simply delicious. The Lowther-Arcade-like et-up of the dolls— lle. Rosa and the three (by no means sham) Abrahams— their stiff wooden poses, their jerky movements, their wide vacuous stares, their mechanical bounds, and helpless final flops, when their works ran down, were worthy of Alice’s own Wonderland. This ‘was, indeed, panto- mimic - fun of the best, brightest, and most blameless sort. The Baby Elephants, J my oy Jock, did some wonderful things with barrels and bottles and bells, but took rather a long time about it. The ‘‘ Veil of Vapour, or Steam Curtain” wouldn’t rise for a long time ; and, when it did, presented the “startling and novel effect” of a locomotive jerkily blowing off in a drawing-room, with the view, apparently, of covering—only it didn’t—the retreat of a couple of burglars who were running away with the chimney-piece. After this the Deluge. Eve ing stuck or went wrong. “‘ The Underground Line to the Golden Mines”—a picture of something between a runaway engine and the City Dragon turned fire-swal- lower—palled upon the audience after half-an-hour’s undisturbed inspection, and as the orchestra couldn’t make up its mind as to how many tunes it should play at once, the Gallery relieved it of further responsibility 7 singing ‘* We won’t go Home till Morning” —which Sweetness and Light at Drury Lane. indeed we didn There is plenty of ill-digested “‘ stuff” and of real cleverness and rettiness in the piece ; and when it works smoothly, is a little less ong, and, it may be added, a little less broad, it may ong ed go wellenough. But the Countess D’AULNoY, interpreted by Mr. ALFRED VANCE in petticoats, a few clever acrobats and dancers, and a number of voiceless sticks, could never be “‘ nice” in any sense, though it went as smoothly as Atnxa’s aérial flight, and as pat as Prextotpi’s feathery footfall. We’re afraid Pandora’s Box has been opened too soon. -The second 4 oo omg is Drury Lane, of which we hear better accounts. The Kings of England scene is still the attraction. One good novelty here is the trick-book of the Pantomime with coloured plates. Off one of these coloured plates the Giant (who was cut out on the first night) is eating. The fact of his having |been eliminated proves that the monster must have been ‘‘cut out for a Giant.” The notion of this picture-book, as well as of the Drury Lane Annual—a highly- coloured Christmas Number of nothing—is due, we believe, to the energetic Mr. AUGustus MoorE—Aveustus THE SECOND at this estab- lishment, where the other AvGustos (Mr. Harris) is the Cesar—who, a year ago, undertook the duties of Acting Manager, in Ea ; which was included the post of Literary Adviser, originally held, in the Chattertonian days, by CHarteEs Lamp Kenny. The Sub Augustus the Second ; or, One Moore in front. iu — Augustus is Drury Lane Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer, and represents the Grand Young Man. By the way, @ propos of CHARLES Lams Kenny, a performance will be given by Mr. J. L. Tootz, Mr. Henry NevIxtxe, and others, on the 25th inst., for the benefit of Mrs. Kenny, when her daughter Rosa will, we believe, appear as Maria in the School for Scandal, _Cuartes Kenny helped to confer many benefits upon others in his time, and very few on himself. He was always to everybody “*CHartes—his friend,” but never ‘‘Cuartes his own friend,” and continual ill-health necessitated a falling-off in work and in pay. We are all sorry to hear that a Benefit is sneer but we are all glad to give a helping hand. Would that Krnny’s 0 d friend ARTHUR SKETCHLEY, were still with us to play Falstaff! Alas | ‘* we could have better spared a better man! ””—but there were very few better or truer than the inventor of the celebrated Mrs. Brown at the Play. At the Opéra Comique, in Mr, Savitz CrarKr’s Adamless Eden, the Postman’s Ballet is well worth seeing. The knocking is well in we 4s ~ =f pe ees aC OW " t) ; Wak N AW Wc aA Nay ue) WAC \ \Z SS a: mS | x Fe we The Postman’s Knock Bullet; or, Seasonable Raps. time, and goes rap-idly. If it didn’t, we should be bound to havea rap at it. A children’s Pantomime for children, at the Avenue, aven’ you seen it? Miss FirorEnce St. Joun—it was St. John’s Avenue, a few weeks ago—is, we suppose, taking a holiday. Where are the Man- teaux Noirs? Rip Van Winkie has it all his own way now at the Comedy—or rather, Miss VioLeT Cameron has it all hers with that charming Letter-Song in the last Act, which goes like Winkle, and will always be a favourite in her Rip-ertoire. After this—‘‘ My native Land”—no, I mean Oyster—‘‘ Good night!” The Meteing of the Waters. ‘** Let the Law say that all Water Companies must charge by meter, when required, and we shall hear no more of the ‘ water question.’ ”’—Mr. JoHN MoxkLuzEY, in his Letter to the Times. THanks, lucid Mortey, for a word in season ! e case, in nuce, cannot be completer. The Companies will charge sans rhyme or reason, Until they are compelled to charge by Meter.

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January 13, 1883.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i7 | REPORTS OF OUR OWN CITY COMMISSIONER. No. Iil.—Livery ComMPaNrEs. Mr. Ponca, Sr, ; r I nave kept to the last certainly the most important Reform that I have to recommend, and in this case at any rate reso- lutely shutting my mind’s-eye to the glorious scenes I have witnessed in their more than Princely Halls, and steadfastly refusing to remember the sumptuous repasts of which I have of late so freely partaken, and passing with a deep sigh of regret from the pleasant recollection of such brands and special cuvées of exquisite wines as memory would fain linger over, I sternly pass on to the painful subject of what I sh designate ‘‘ Peculiar Trusts.” : I refer to the notes of my examination of the Master before mentioned, and what dol find? A > small estate was left to his Company some three hundred years ago, in trust, the income from which, then about £20 a year, was ordered to be distributed as fullows :—£5 each to three different Charities, and the remainder to the Company for their trouble. Years roll on, and the little Estate now produces about £2,000 per annum, and the Company continue to pay the same original amount of £15 to the three Charities, and keep the rest, that is, about £1,985, for them- selves; all, as the Master said, in strict accordance with the literal words of the Will of the Pious Founder ! Mr. Punch, Sir. No recollections of unnumbered kindnesses received from Masters and Wardens, no thought of what I risk in giving utterance to my honest feelings, no cowardly fear of per- petual banishment trom their Halls of dazzling light, shall prevent me from expressing, in language as unmeasured as the hospitality of which I have so often partaken, and the philanthropy of which I have so often heard, the pas regret I feel that anyone of these noble Institutions should so far forget the solemn obligations imposed upon all Trustees, particularly upon Trustees for the Poor and the Sick and the Ignorant, as to act in the way described, and then con- descend to defend such conduct by such flimsy and discreditable arguments. find, on referring to my Notes, that when the Master of the Bellows Menders’ Company attempted to justify what had been done, by a reference to the Will of the Pious Founder, that, acting on that natural impulse that fills a generous spirit at any miserable attempt to impose upon his common sense, I exclaimed, ‘‘ Pious Fiddlestick !”’ a strange combination you will say, Sir, that nothing but towering indignation could justify, and which, upon calm reflection, might be substituted by ‘‘ Mellifluous Cant.” However that may be, in this case at any rate I can have no hesi- tation in recommending instant compliance with the evident inten- tions of the generous Testator, and a restitution of the unhallowed spoil of the last six years. But, Sir, after holding up this and similar cases (few, I believe, in number) to your wrathfal indignation, there my anger ceases, and I can allow my thoughts again to revert calmly and philosophically to those two great attributes by which these Institutions have been so nobly distinguished during the last half-century, and which may fairly be designated as the Guild Virtues of poo mee iy Gd and Hospi- tality ; and, in the genial spirit therein engendered, 1 conclude my difficult task by enumerating the Reforms that my stern sense of duty, uninfiuenced, I trust, by thankfulness for the past or by gratitude for favours to come, compels me to submit to your wise consideration :— First—The Members of the Courts of the various Guilds must be more intimately connected with the Trades they were originally founded to govern, and must dedicate themselves earnestly to the re-establishing of the good old English principle that a Manufac- turer’s word is his bond. They must become the terror of evil-doers, and we should not then have reels of silk falsel ing 50 yards, really containing only 25, or other “‘ little articles” warranted to measure 100 yards, actually measuring from 20 to 30 per cent. less, according to the Market for which they are intended, and there would then also be such an entire abolition of Devil’s Dust as would restore the old character to English Cottons, even to the farthest confines of China or Peru. Secondly—Sham Apprenticeships must be exchanged for real Travelling Scholarships, for the acquirement of technical knowledge in manufacture and design. The first three voluntary Missionaries in this delicate and difficult task I have already indicated. _ Thirdly—The powers of the Livery must be extended to the elec- tion of the Court, the auditing of the accounts, and the ordering of the dinners, so that the knowledge of this important art and mystery ay | be preserved intact. 0 and lastly—All Trusts, whether peculiar or otherwise, must be rigorously carried out in accordance with the will of the marked as contain-| Q testator, but modified in accordance with the requirements of justice } and cgmmon sense. While therefore, in the case above alluded to, ' justice would sages a new scheme of distribution, in the case of the | £20,000 left to the Jolly Butchers ‘“‘to enjoy themselves,”’ common | sense would naturally say, continue so to do. These necessary reforms being accomplished, there will be nothin, left that the ribald jester, or that terrible nuisance, the logical ' reformer, can reasonably complain of; and from a careful and/| liberal calculation I have made, I find, to my extreme satisfaction, | that these various matters can all be thoroughly accomplished out of : the wasted portion of the enormous sum now expended on Manage- | ment, namely £297,218 6s. 8d., leaving intact the noble sum of £337,801 13s. 4d. to be still dedicated to that grandest of all Civic virtues—Hospitality. Your Own Crry Commissioner. Temple, December, 1882. HOW TO AMUSE THE CHILDREN. No doubt, encouraged by “‘ the great success” which has attended the production of the ‘‘ seasonable Christmas pieces ” this year at the leading London Theatres, the following scenario of ‘‘an annual for 1883-4’ has already been prepared by a “‘ practised hand,” and for- warded to the proper quarters. Tittr—Ak Baba, or Gulliver, or Blue Beard. This is really immaterial, as the story is of the slightest materials, and can be easily adapted to suit the exigencies of the Scene-painter, the Ballet- master, and the Stage-manager. But say Blue-Beard, as it looks well in the bills, and has not been done for a long time. 1.—Front grooves. Demon house of the Giant Advertiserus. Good opportunity for introducing cases of champagne, boxes of cough-lozenges, and tailors’ vans. Serio-comic Lady with the song, ‘* There isn’t much to look at when I’ve got’em on!” ScreneE 2.—Glade in the Realms of Eternal Rose-buds. Tinsel and colour laid on by ‘‘ the talented assistants” of menor Dance of the Brougham Brigade with seal-skin jackets. Final tableau of bouquets left at the stage-door, and real gold and jewelled bracelets. Scene 3.—Blue Beard’s kitchen. Introduction of characters of the story. Blue Beard, by Dotty TinxueR of the Marquee Music- Hall, the Young Nabob, Pd the Great WuxExEzE, The Squire, by the Great Huitasatoo, the Performing Donkey, by Tommy TUMBLER, Junr., &c. Songs introduced—‘‘ So did you!” ** I’ve been up to my Larks ever Since!” “‘ The County-Court Family,” ‘‘ Oh, Mummy, dear, my Father’s run in,” and twenty-seven breakdowns. Sceng 4.—Anywhere. Topical songs by the Great Ones. Tommy TuMBLER, Junr. climbs up the chandelier, and makes faces at the children. The Young Nabob has never heard of Stationers’ Hall— Blue Beard conveys him thither. ScenE 5.—Exterior of Stationers’ Hall where SHAKSPEARE’s Plays, had they been written nowadays, would have been registered. Distant view of St. Paul’s Cathedral. Grand procession of all the characters in the Swan of Avon’s masterpieces. Correct costumes. An incident thrown in here and there. Eight hundred supers employed. Magnificent appointments. Most instructive to the little ones. The whole concluding with a grand review of all the London and Provincial Box-keepers (represented by children) under the command of the ee, who will announce the amount of the receipts of the Theatre per night, give some notion of the items in his butcher’s book, and afford other interesting details of domestic expenditure to satisfy the curiosity of a sympathising Public. This should be the scene of the whole show. Scenks 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11.—The place is immaterial. The selection can be safely left to the Scene-painters. However, it might help the story a little to work in a Panorama of the Overland Route to India; but this is not absolutely necessary. Interlude of per- forming camels, lasting two hours and a half. More comic songs for the Great Ones, “‘ Have you seen my reach-me-downs 80 golop- shous and gummy?” ‘* This is the Way to the Gaiety Bar!” and the | great patriotic ditty, ‘‘’Ere’s ’Ooray for ’er Majesty the uine !” ScEeneE 12.—Transformation. Interlude of the New Year bringing in Disease, Death, and Bankruptcy (this to please and instruct the little ones), clearing off to show the Bright Birthplace of the Electric Light (opportunity for good-paying Advertisement), with Ladies of the Ballet, in Anti-Lord-Chamberlain costumes, lolling about in all directions. Red, blue, and green fire, closed in “4 SHort Comic ScENE, consisting of seven-eighths Bounding Brothers of Bohemia to one-eighth Christmas Clown. N.B.—The Pantomime of which the above is a scenario, will be held together by about fifty lines of doggerel, which, however, need not be used unless desired. Mrs. RamspotHam tells us she has just been to see her Uncle’s new house. She says the hall, which is beautifully painted in Fiasco, has a most composing effect.

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[January 13, 1883, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ii Ii AN Ni wayyy Wk : y \ Ny so gm WK vA ui es | KI gid PANDA ff \ AVA ay y yi ANA V A VAN 4 a / iE = rr ne YN ‘ = ~ || een aN ANN Wy Y; THE FESTIVE SEASON. Tommy (criticising the menu of the coming Feast), ‘Vary coop! Tray BoNe! AND LOOK HERE, OLD Man! MIND you pur PLENTY OF Rum 1nTO THE BABA—DOLLY AND MOLLY LIKE IT, YOU KNOW—AND s0 Do [!” Monsieur Cordonblew (retained for the occasion). ‘‘ CERTAINEMENT, MON P’TIT AMI? BoT ARE YOU AND CES D&MOISELLES GOING TO Dine viz DE ComPaGnizE ?” Tommy. “On None! Bor JUsT AIN'T WE GOING TO SIT ON THE SrAIRS OUTSIDF, THAT'S ALL!” To guide his Country on her doubtful way GAMBETTA AND CHANZY—STATESMAN AND SOLDIER. Too Soon! So pride will plead, so love will say, When towering crests stoop midmost of the fray, When great swords shiver ere the close of day. Too Soon! Searce breathed in an unfinished fight, Dead wielders of an unexhausted might, Who at full noontide find unbidden night. Trees smitten in full leaf by storm’s red beam, F lood-breasting swimmers sunken in mid-stream, Stars quenched before their time. ’Tis so we dream. How may we know, or with what measure mark The perfect compass of the soul’s frail bark That fleets o’er life’s bright gleam from dark to dark ? Yet fallen strength and frustrate purpose move Regret ; ’tis scarce for mortals to reprove Mortal misjudgment born of pride and love. GambBetta—Cuanzy! The Republic’s yoke Of sudden grief must jp oped provoke. The Brain, the Sword, both snatched as at one stroke ! What labour yet, what benison or bane For France lay hidden in that strenuous brain, Now still, for ever hidden must remain. Had his wild strength crested its highest wave ? Would it have worked to shatter or to save ? There comes no answer from GAMBETTA’s grave. He had the power to stir a nation’s heart, In hopeless strife to play a Titan part, And he died young, leaving no clear-lined chart O'er a dark course, whence one keen lurid ray Dies out with him. What further may one say ? At least in grief the France he loved may’‘sit, Folding her lowered Flag, as is most fit, Across his breast who ne’er despaired of it. At least a sister nation soft may tread In silent sympathy, with grief-bowed head, Where a great People mourn its great Sons dead. HYSTERICAL RELIGION. Tuts new, and not altogether healthy, mania of the day, appears to be starting badly with the new year. ‘The ‘‘ Converted Clown,” who was known by the somewhat effeminate name of EveEnrg, and who left the depths of Blue Ruin to scale the heights of Blue Ribbonism, has fallen once more irretrievably. He has misappro- priated money, which ought never to have been entrusted to him, has been found helplessly drunk when his presence was wanted at a charitable meeting, and es attempted suicide. General Boorn has been sued for Parochial Rates for the Converted Grecian Theatre. ‘‘ Things isn’t as they used to was” in the good old days of the Conquest. But those were historical, not hysterical times, Ove oF Invine’s Tates.—When Mr. Puetps, the Tragedian, was very thirsty, so Mr. Lrvine recently informed a Temperance Society, he used to bite his tongue. Mr. Irvine got this anecdote, he says, from Mr. Puetps himself, who certainly was one of the driest Actors ever seen: and we suspect that the ‘‘ good old man” must have had his tongue in his cheek when he said he bit it.

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rr gee Be . SS err Sw aE oe a = es gp a XE a FZFEEES a ee PS Adewiw“wsZe = . 4 THI se 4 a Ss IE I ae ne ee = SSS . oumnes ee ——— ee —— = ae =, —— SS SE 5 = = -

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January 13, 1883. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

THE PANTOMIM by: <0) aE SS = ii | x ae’ =I \ Hi Nive Wren ‘ny Nb Ly SM oh TO PANTOMIME IN 1883. Atr—Refrain of ** Caroline! Caroline J” PANTOMIME ! PANTOMIME | PANTOMIME ! PANTOMIME ! Ske od i \ from the Music-Hall Repertoire, of course, THOUGH YOU ’VE Fays THE TRIMMEST, Yer your Foun’s THE DIMMEST. OVERDONE WITH SLANG AND CHAF?, NoTHING TO MAKE THE CHILDREN LAUGH, WHERE ’S YOUR CLEVER, FUNNY PANTOMIMIST ? [Chorus taken up heartily by old and young Children.

THE MARRIED WOMAN’S PROPERTY ACT. (From Two Points of View.) FIRST POINT OF VIEW.—HOW IT IS EXPECTED TO WORK. ScenE—ANGELINA’S Boudoir. Epwin and his Wife discovered. . Edwin. And so, love, you quite understand the new Sout) measure ? zi Angelina. Entirely, darling. But you may as well run over the chief provisions. Edwin. You have a perfect right to deal with all your real and personal property. Angelina, As if I were a feme sole—which, in effect, am Edwin. Quite so. You take the rents and profits of all real property, and dispose of personalty ab- solutely. Angelina. And I think, dear, that it is unnecessary to get your consent to any of myinvestments? That I can : keep a separate banking-account, and so forth ? Edwin. Exactly. the eyes of the law we are two persons. Angelina. So 1 imagined. And I rather fancy, darling, that any moneys you receive from me you must account for? Am I not right, sweetest Edwin. Unquestionably. Angelina, Correct me if I am wrong—but, my own, I always have my remedy at Civil Law? Edwin. Certainly. Angelina. Even when we are sharing the same dear home I can conduct a suit aqoiess you? Edwin. Yes, darling—but you would not ? ,Angelina. Well, love, business is business. And, @ propos, what did you do with the five pounds I gave you (and which came to me as next of kin to my uncle) to convey to my dressmaker ? Edwin (confused). Well, dear, as my tailor was rather pressing, I thought you would not mind my paying him before—— Angelina (severely). What! You haye misappropriated my money ? win (nervously). I do not like this tone, ANGELINA! And, to a my leasure, I shall go to Brighton by myself for a fort- night. Angelina, A step I was about to suggest, Epwin, as you know I cannot take criminal proceedings against you while we are living together ! [Eat Epwin, tremblingly, to consult his Solicitor.

SECOND POINT OF VIEW.—HOW IT IS SURE TO WORK. ScenE—Epwin’s Study. AnGELiNA and her Husband discovered, Angelina. And so, love, you quite understand the new measure ? —- Yes, darling. It’s all right. Now we can do anything we like. Angelina. Oh, how delightful! And no more stupid restrictions. I shan’t be obliged to go before a musty old Judge when you want to get rid of any of our a ? Edwin. Oh, dear, no, angel. That sort of thing is quite out of date. The Jaw regards us, in later days, as two distinct persons. You can do just what you like with your own money. Angelina. That is just what you like, darling, for my money is yours. Oh, Ilamso pleased! And you will promise never to bother me any more about business? You will do just what you want with all the rents and profits and things ? Edwin (laughing). Well, it’s rather a heavy responsibility. You know the law gives youa remedy. Wives can proceed against their husbands. Angelina (ironically). Oh, can they ? Edwin. Yes; not only in civil suits, but even in criminal actions. Angelina (indignantly). The Law allow a wife to send her husband rison! The Law should be ashamed of itself ! dwin. But, then, husbands in like manner can incarcerate their wives ! Angelina (agitated). But you wouldn’t, dear! You wouldn’t be There—don’t cry. I was so cruel ! Edwin. Well, business is business! 1 only joking. And that reminds me that the eening thousand, which you took as next-of-kin to your Aunt, had better be invested. I think I shall put it into Turkish Sixties. Angelina (nervously). But haven’t you lost rather a lot, dear, before, by putting things into Turkish Sixties ? Edwin (angrily). I do not like this tone, ANeELINA! What! you interfere with my disposition of your money ! gelina (pit ly). Oh, no, darling! , Edwin (severely). Well, 1 shall mark my displeasure by going to Paris by myself for a month ! Angelina (crying). Oh, Epwin! (Wiping her eyes.) Well erhaps it will do you good, darling—it will do you good! An would suffer psec me or your sake! But, to show you are not angry with me, do, do—(sobs)—put the money into Turk—(sob)— Turkish—(sob)—Six—ix—ties. (Sob. ‘ [Exit Epwix triumphantly, to direct his Stockbroker’. to

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22 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jancary 13, 1883,

“SEASONABLE WEATHER.” Catt this seasonable weather ? Pooh! Where are your frost and snow ? Fogs and fever come together, And the winds decline to blow. There’s a pastime known as ‘ skating, ’Twas in days of ice and frost ; Now the bard is safe in stating, ’Tis an art that’s nearly lost. There’s a mist upon the river, Swollen with incessant rain, And the black drops glide and quiver Down the greasy window-pane. Doctors rave of sanitation, But the puzzled patient “e uirm ” 8q 8 At the thought of ventilation, Since it lets in typhoid germs. You’ve no need your throat to mufile, At all overcoats you smile ; But, instead of sneeze and snuffle, There’s a surplusage of bile. You may be a cheerful fellow, But you turn a perfect Scrooge When the universe looks yellow, And you feel a bad gamboge. ooCC_———_——_ NEW EDITION OF “‘ SELF-HELP,” STRONGLY BOUND. WE read in the daily papers— ‘A ‘lady-help,” named FRASER, describing herself as respectably con- nected in Belfast, was yesterday sen- tenced to four months’ hard labour for a robbery committed at the Brighton Convalescent Home.’’ Is this lady a member of the Help Myself Society? Or can she be the “‘ Little Help” which is proverbially worth a deal of pity ?

PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 118. A, 4 mon Rhewetnng Sacmtamenomen 2 FRANCIS KNOLLYS, ESQ., C.B. ** Francis !” ** ANON, ANON, Sir!” Henry the Fourth, Part I., Act ii, Sc. 4. THE GOOD FAIRY COMPE- TITION. Waat the City Corporation pan gee re to do with re- gard to Billingsgate Market, and the Duke of Muprorp showed few signs of doing with regard to Covent Garden (or Mud-Salad) Market, is being done without their aid, and probably in spite of their counter-influence, by the Fairy Competition. The af agp ey a P sapere . apping has open e eyes 0 the ey i to the she stow of their position as Lords of the Kingdom of Muck; and the Par- liamentary Notices of a new great General Market at Paddington, and another at South Kensington, have —— had something to do with the Duke of Muprorn’s offer of Covent Garden and neighbourhood to the Metropoli- tan Board of Works. South Ken- sington threatening to mix Art with Artichokes, and Horticul- ture with Summer Cabbages, must be as at a blow to the Kmperor of Turnip-Tops as Fat Henry’s ingratitude was to Car- dinal Wotsry. , N ~ LANA Si wan is floor to ** who! “IW th carpet.” The rather stagger tf ————— .* but obliging upholsterer sent at \ | once to pt, but being unable to procure the article in question, he persuaded his customer to use Turkish rugs and matting. ~——

‘““THines Not GENERALLY Kwown.”—For further particulars see the next Bishop’s Biography.

THE NEW DEPARTURE IN CRITICISM. — The Fairy Criticiam. ‘“* Experto crede!” ex- claimed the Last of the Barons, ** Credat Judeus, nonego!” We thank thee, Judge, for teaching us this truly liberal theory. Also we are much obliged for the moral support given to it by “Oneof the Jury,” inthe Times. Why have any more Masters of any Artsatall? Let the Re- public of Art and Letters be in an all-round equality Republic without a President —and without a head! Why a head ? a brains ? a the Academy doors wide. t in everybody. First come, first served; let everyone with a picture rush in with a ladder and hammer and cord, and nails, and let him hang up his icture where he best can, and let the strongest go to the wall, and the weakest on the floor and out of doors. The Acade- micians may still sing— Let Lawes and Lawsuit, Judge, Beit, Jury die, But give us still our old Academy ! but who will listen to them? Who will agree with them? Will they agree among themselves? How can men who have devoted

their lives to the study of Art, working at it from sixteen to sixty, be expected to speak without prejudice and evident bias on the one subject to which they have given their undivided attention and the best years of their life? Absurd! Would not the Last of the Barons himself, according to his own reasoning, warn anyone against trusting his opinion on a knotty point of Law? Of course. We wanted a notice of the Old Masters. Should we send a pro- fessed Art-Critic? Certainly not. So, as we couldn’t catch the Last of the Barons to do it for us, and didn’t know where to find ‘One of the Jury,” we engaged a ‘‘ Masher” who, being entirely ignorant of the subject, was evidently the very man to write a critique on the Rosetti Collection and the Old Masters at Burlington House. Here is what he spoke of, indistinctly, afterwards, as * Young Masher among the Old Mash’rs : ”— Academy. Offered to toss beadle at door two bob or nothing. Wouldn’t. Saw another boss in uniform: probably chucker-out. Found shilling: paid it: wish I could find another. Had written down, ‘* Where Old Masters?” ‘‘ Where Rosert1?” Inquired : informed. Turned to the left, and made up my mind to go to Number Five first, and see how I liked it. Like going into a Turkish Bath. Just popped into Number Five—the Rosetti Room. Too hot. Staggered back into Old Masters Number Three. Capital chappies, Old Masters. Take No. 201 in the books. My! freshas paint. Sportsmanindarkarmour. Affected-looking sort of Johnnie. Without his armour he’d be a “‘ Masher.” Dare say he was in his time. Don’t quite know when “his time” was; but some time when they wore armour. s name is the Marquis of Sprvota. Sounds sporting. Van Dyck did it. Sounds like Devil’s Dyke at Brighton: trippers go there in a van. Evidently some connection. Capital chap, Van Dycx—did a lot of ’em. first- rate Johnnies. Garnsporoven got his young women rather too made up, white and pinky. But they must have been like that, and > ttn beet bt owe. mae ah ft ry,

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January 13, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. / Diliifj':'| 44 Wf) SUPEREROGATION. Humanitarian. *‘ Coutpn’T YOU MANAGE TO PUT A LITTLE MORE FLESH ON YOUR POOR Horsz's Bones? He&’s FRIGHTFULLY THIN!” Car-driver. ‘‘ Bepap, SURR, WHAT ’S THE U+E 0’ THAT? THE POOR BASTE CAN HARDLY CARRY WHAT HE’S GOT A’READY !” = must have liked being taken as the ‘‘ Professional Beauties” of their time, or he’d never have done it—would he? Recollect some one of the name of |GarnsBorovuGH on the stage. Forget where; but think she set the fashion of Gainsborough hats. I like to see ‘the Old Masters’ portraits of the ancient Mistresses. Here’s 265, by Sir Jos. ReyNo.ps; and 274, by Sir JosH. again. He didn’t paint ’em half a bit more than they painted themselves. I was told to look at ** The Little Archer,” and thought they meant Frep, the Jockey. Disappointed. Sir JosHva again (269), portrait of a silly ass of a young chap who ought to have a sound kicking. But here are the ittle ’uns that I like—No. 281 in the books—a pair of kids, clean, fresh, healthy, and hearty, and the boy in his grandfather's coat and breeches. Now then for the Rosetti warm room. No. 293. Sea-sickly person. I call the picture ‘‘ Half Seas over ! Steward !” No. 296. How soon will Davin’s sandals come off? Poor Davm! And what are these in gowns cf red cardboard and wings of dyed feathers? Angels, indeed! Red-faced, dyspeptic-looking creatures. They couldn’t fly very far. And as for colour, they ’re about as warm as they make ’em. No. 299. No use looking at the Catalogue to see what this is. Evidently, it’s ‘‘ Taking Medicine in the Middle Ages.” She is making a horrid face, and saying, ‘It smells nasty.” Probably intended as a present to a Hospital. No. 304, Auburn-wigged lunatic loose in an orchard. Quite too- too-too-tootle tum too ! N.B.—Nearly all the women here have got auburn wigs, appa- rently misfits from a theatrical perruquier, bought second-hand. And nearly all are more or less sea-sickly, ‘‘ greenery-yallery” young women, natives of one of the States of Indigestion. Never saw such lackadaisical floppers as the sea-sickly women; but take the lot, they ’re all either unwholesome or unhealthy. No. 313. Well,I never! ‘‘ The Blessed Damozel.” What does he mean? The usual unwholesome-looking young woman and ten couples, very mixed, up in the air, kissing away like anything. I don't pretend to be particularly strict myself—but—well—pass on, entlemen, if you please, to Nos. 314, 315. Wigs again. And;}317—what has the poor thin taken to disagree with her so? And_323—another female victim o biliousness turning her back on’a winged Lord Mayor, or a sheriff ? Don’t both these Johnnies-in-Office wear red gowns? And it can’t surely be an angel, as he is violently embracing a young woman. Art, indeed! Undefeated bosh! Give me Nature; and as it’s dry work, give me a B.-and-S.!_ Look here, old Chappie, if I was the Academy Sportsmen I should charge sixpence extra for this Rosetti Exhibition, and call it the Chamber of Horrors. Note to Editor.—Whenever you want a real straight critical tip on Music, Drama, or anything generally (bar Turf and Gaiety Bur- lesque), you employ your own Undefeated Masher, and he’ll do it to-rights, you bet. COMPANION TO THE WEATHER FORECASTS. (By One who has watched the Promise and its Fulfilment.) Get out ‘© Fine Summer sunshine.” your strongest umbrella. ** Hot and sultry.” Order in your winter stock of coals at once. ‘* Very fine.” Get into the wine-cellar |) to avoid the effects of the hurricane. . ** Warm and dry.” Don’t venture half a dozen yards from home without an ~ - Ulster and asou’-wester. ‘* Cold.’ Summer clothing may be assumed with impunity. ** Very rough and windy.” Good time for smoking al fresco, or playing lawn-tennis, as not a breath of air need be expected. ‘“* Hurricane.” Safe of a calm passage across the Channel. ‘“‘ Prolonged wet and boisterous weather.” The best season for a nice trip into the country, as blue sky and gentle zephyrs may be confidently expected. ‘* Exceedingly changeable.” Fixed weather one way or the other.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 13, 1883.

TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders.

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January 29, 1883. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. Groom (to Visitor). ‘*PtEasE, SiR, MASTER WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOU ’D LIKE ME TO MEET YOU WITH FREsH ’Oss, Sir?” Judkins (who wishes he were comfortably at home). ‘‘Fresa Horse! Tuts 1s FRESH ENOUGH FOR ME—UGH !—DON’T WANT ANOTHER —UGH !—SraND STILL, WILL YER! !” .

FOOLISH FORTY. THE GHOSTS’ BENEVOLENT ASSOCIATION, (Written after reading Thackeray's “ Age of Wisdom,”) Smvce a certain trial has been concluded, everybody has been Ho, witty sage with the bearded chin, afraid to employ Ghosts. Hence a number of talented and merito- Pisas water mandate the harbeli cheat rious gentlemen have been thrown out of employment. Among Your sapient calm it were well to win, ° them may be mentioned the accomplished Ghost who does Mr. But my Age of Wisdom hath yet to begin, TonEMDOWN’s portraits, the clever Ghost who does Mr. QuisBy’s Though I have come to Forty Year. criticisms, the versatile Ghost who polishes up Mr. TwitTERLY's poems, : ; : the epigrammatic Ghost who wrote all the good things in Mr. Dop- Grizzled locks cover my foolish brains, DIMORE’S new play, the erudite Ghost who looked after the grammar Should I sing to BonnyBext she ’d scarce hear ; in Mr. PincHsBeEck’s essays, and the musical Ghost who wrote all ~~ . sana: gern yet yeaa P 2 hg jee in ot, Cn OLLER’S new opera. e moonlight’s gleam on her window-panes, e above-name ciety is wor Though I have come to Forty Year. all charitable people. ee a ee en Forty goose-seasons have I seen pass, —— particulars may be found in the Ghosts’ Gazette. / Grissling hair the brain may clear, t is rumoured that, if subscriptions are not forthcoming, a Ghosts Strike may be the result. This, it need scarcely be said, would be a But I’m not so sure that a boy ¢s an ass, - : da 8c Or that one best measures the worth of a lass most serious thing for some professors in literature and art. When one has come to Forty Year. And I think, do you know, did they truth declare, The right good fellows whose beards are grey, A WORD WITH BISMARCK. ye t = — sock | where Phe the Coromee < Seeman deniers withont the consent at many—are said to ankering after another war, we may be Was fixed, though long summers have passed away. pardoned for offering a suggestion ie German Premier. Ideteed The red red lips that of old I kissed, of disturbing the whole resident and non-resident industrial popu- The bright sweet eyes that on me once shone, lation of the Fatherland, and losing the productive labour of half a Are dumb, are sightless ; but oft I list million of the best citizens, it might be well to drill an army of For that gentle whisper, yet mourned and missed, rogues and vagabonds. Germany is said to possess at least two Though twenty winters have come and gone. hundred thousand beggars, who draw between seven and eight . te deal eh te - millions sterling a-year from those who work, and deducting the — 7 ws ha memery SGear usual proportion of women, children, and idiots, this will leave a w s be a 4 - 7 years eyne ! large and able-bodied crowd to be made useful. More generalship phere - _ : ave) 8 ov scarce sit here, may be shown by fighting—if fighting is necessary—with an aru.y = and lonely at Forty Year, like this, than in pauperising a whole kingdom by leading its picked ipping my nose in a bachelor’s wine. men to glory.

VOL. LXXXTV.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 20, 1883, “UPROUSE YE, THEN! MY MERRY, MERRY MEN! IT IS OUR OPENING DAY.” hy 7; of A PEN eye " Ir is a good omen that the New Courts of Justice commenced with | naturally, of Mr. Justice Fry, who is accompanied by Dr. ARTHUR their Hilary Sittings. Any sittings under the auspices of so genial a | SULLIVAN playing on the accordion the appropriate air from the patron Saint as is suggested by the name of Hilarius ought to_be of immortal Triumviretta Cor and Box :— the most cheerful character. Sleep, gentle Bacon, smoke amid ; From this point of view our Inimitable Artist has designed an | Which, circling up, smiles on the Fry. allegorical subject which he will be happy to enlarge for fresco or| The imperious figure in a cocked hat represents ‘‘ General Busi- tapestry, or to arrange as a painted window in the New Hall. | ness,” who is ordering the Judges about, while the Griffin from Vice-Chancellor Bacon, evidently Piggy-Wiggy, is represented | Temple Bar is offering sixpence for a seat in the Gallery to the as ‘‘sitting in Bankruptey,” and getting out of the way, very | Superintendent, who indignantly refuses the bribe as he remembers

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January 20, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. the noble device and motto, which dates back from Hot- LINGSHEAD’s Chronicles (Gaiety edition) of ‘‘ No Fees!” ** Smoking and Dogs,” not in the building (it is as yet uncertain whether they may be ye apart), are here depicted as having been expelled y a Policeman. The Judge who is amusing two Peeresses and a Belted Earl in his robes, is, we need hardly say, the Last of the Barons. Finally, the Judge who is directing a choir of Jurymen is Mr. Justice Day, and they are singing an adaptation of BrsHor’s well-known glee, ‘“‘ Uprouse ye then, my Jury, Jury men! It’s my opinion! Day!” THE PLAINT OF THE PLUMBER AND BUILDER. “THE judgment just given in the Croydon County Court, in the case of Dee v. Dalgairns, will, unless reversed in a | - Superior Court, strike terror into the hearts of > gees and | “ will cause unmitigated satisfaction among the Public generally. In this case, the Plaintiff, a plumber, sued the Defendant, a civil engineer, for the sum of thirty pounds for the erection of a lavatory. The Defendant made a counter claim of one hundred and twenty pounds, on the ground that the work, being improperly done, sewer gas escaped into the house, and caused the illness of six members of the household, and the death of hisson. He, therefore, claimed the doctor's bill and other expenses. The Judge struck out the Plaintiff’s claim, and gave judgment for the Defendant.””—Daily Paper. Solo by the Plumber, I scamp the joints, I scamp the drains, I am an artful Plumber ; : You’ll feel my hand in winter’s rains, You’ll sniff it in the summer. I dig, I delve, 1 patch, I pry, And lay the pipes so badly, That even bland Surveyors sigh, And tenants chatter madly. Here the Jerry Builder breaks in with his Jeremiad :— I build my floors on rags and bones, Or lush organic matter ; Or where the grass in swampy zones Grows greener and grows fatter. My doors are sure to warp in time, y slates let in the water ; Take equal parts of dust and slime, And there you have my mortar. I build my walls with many a trick shrewd as to astound one ; With here and there a rotten brick, And here and there a sound one. The Artful Plumber resumes his plaint : — The sewer-pipe I love to lay Connecting with the cistern ; And where ’s the law that dares to say The tenant should have Ais turn ? Finale by the pair :— Why, here’s a Judge who would restrain Our right to scatter fever ! Should this decision stand, ’tis plain We can’t scamp on for ever ! His Latest.—Lord CotrermpGE complained of the draughts in his New Law Court. ‘‘ Z/ faut qu’une porte soit ouverte ou fermée,”’ observed the Last of the Barons in his most excellent French. ‘‘ But of course the Equity ay agen > ger be delighted.” Lord CoLEeRInDGE replied that he would give it his best consideration, and was leaving the Hall rather a when the Last One laid his hand on the Chief’s arm, ‘‘I am Baron,” whispered the Last One with a merry twinkle in his baronial eye, **but Iam alsoa retainer.” ‘‘ You’ve had plenty of ’em in your time,” rejoined the Chief, courteously. The Baron bowed with that grace for which he is remarkable, and continued, ‘‘I wish to ask your Lordship one question, which is, what game——” “The game of draughts,” interrupted the ne panel, and taking advantage of the momentary asto: ent of the Last One, he quitted the building. ing permitted together NZ PROVINCIAL. Fair Customer. *‘HAv® you A SHeittey BrrtnpAy-Boox ?” Evangelical Stationer. ‘*No, MapamM. Ws—a—DO NOT PATRONISE SHELLEY!" “A DICTIONARY OF COMMON WANTS.” A 300K is announced with the above title. Wehave not seen it, and have no idea where it is published, but this ignorance will no more prevent us giving —— of its contents than it would prevent us reviewing it for a Cocksure ournal. The things most eommonly wanted are :— r 1 hon 9 ead Commissioner who can believe that all men are not thieves and liars. A Theatrical Advertisement that tells you the hour of each performance and the prices of admission. A Barrister who can ignore his profession when dining out. A Co-operative Store where civility is as conspicuous as cheapness. A Thoroughfare not rendered impassable by omnibuses and tram-cars. A Newspaper which has no pretensions to infallibility. A Statue which speaks for itself without a superscription. A Company that has the courage not to pay a dividend. A Hotel that pays its servants after charging for them in the bill. A Bath-room that can do without a plumber always in attendance. A Cabman who believes that Charing Cross is only a mile from the Bank. A Railway that spends its money on things more useful than architecture. A Frenchman who will admit that civilisation may exist outside Paris. A Scotchman who has some traces of prudence and sobriety. An Irishman who is occasionally hurried into impulsive generosity. A Drama that is not announced as the ‘‘talk of London,” or the *‘ great success of the season.” A Pill that will not cure all the afflictions of humanity. An Aérated (or overrated) Water, with a German name, that is not the most agreeable drink in existence. ‘Tar Lives of Illustrious Shoemakers” is announced. Sounds rather like an édition de luxe of ‘‘ The Book of Snobs.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [January 20, 1883. GAIETY GOSSIP. VALENTINE and Orson is drawing crowded houses. The history of any Gaiety Burlesque-drama—which is about as good a name for this style of entertainment as any other—is curious and unique. Oa the first night an audience assembles which for that occasion only has ousted the regular Gaiety audience from every part of the house. This audience welcomes the popular favourites, and then sets itself deliberately to criticise the piece with se- verity, to call out rude things from the Gallery, to chaff from the Pit, to laugh at and not with the Actors in the Boxes, and to look glum in the Balcony. The Critics, as they jostle one another in the lobby, say to one another, ‘‘ Bur- lesque is dead; and now we’ll go to supper.” But when they sit down to write their notices, it sud- denly strikes them, indi- vidually, that the last piece they saw was just like this on its first night, and yet it ran for nearly a year, and that the piece before this they had looked upon as hopeless, and it went on and on until the tunes and sayings were in everybody’s mouth, and people were known to go again and again to see it; and so, in their process of pitching-in they pause, and say ‘* But they will probably set all this to-rights in a night or two, an then it will be num amongst the great Gaiety successes.” And so it turnsout. The ‘‘ popular favourites” work their hardest, the Author does something, there is a re-arrangement, more ‘‘ busi- ness,” any amount of “‘ gags” thrown in, and the regular audiences having returned, the exceptional first-nighters are heard of no more, their noisy protests are forgotten, and the piece goes briskly with its jokes, songs, dances, and shouts of the heartiest laughter. If it is not exactly the story of Valentine and Orson intelligibly told, at least, here is Miss FarRen in the brilliant ‘* family plate,” which is evidently Valentine—‘‘ she will be our Valentine ’—and here is Mr. TERRY as a savage with a club and followed by a Bear, who, clearly, is Orson. Consequently, there you are, Valen- tine and Orson, and what can any one want more ? The costumes are rich and effective. The duet between NELLIE Farren and Kate Vauenan, ‘* I won't play with you any more,” with dance to follow, is very taking. Mr. TERRY is immense in the ** The Moonlighters.”’ Orson, backed by a Bare Majority, makes himself unpopular , with his Clab. - statuesque combat, and gets a good deal of fun out of ‘‘ chiveying his mother,” while as to solos NELLIE FaRrreEn scores with her song ** She told me to go to Jericho,” and Kare VavueHan with her charmingly graceful dance. Except Mr. Wyatt, whose fun whether dancing, singing, or acting, is in his real earnestness, the rest of the —— have either just as much as they can do, or oj par- ticular to do, and we are bound to say in strict justice to all con- cerned, that in both instances they do it beautifully. PATERFAMILIAS’S PARADOX, Hoogay! The Christmas tip-time’s o’er at last ! The *‘ present” now’s a matter of the past! THE MODERN GOTHS. (An Extract from a Realistic Romance of the Immediate Future.) ** Waar is Art, Grandpapa ?” The question was put by a little boy to a white-headed old man who, seated at a high desk, was pausing over the figures of a ledger. The room was furnished in the style of the Twentieth Century. It contained neither pictures nor piano, and was generally colourless. *** Art,’”? echoed the veteran, ‘‘ why that is a word, Bossy, which has been obsolete for twenty years.” The child stared at him. ‘‘ Look at me, my lad. Am I not as commonplace and unin- teresting an old fellow as ever you met?” ‘* Indeed you are,” returned the urchin, affectionately. ** And yet at one time I was an Actor, a Musician, and a Painter. Long, long ago, before I exchanged Art for Cheesemongering ! ” ** But what 7s Art, Grandpapa ?”’ repeated the little one. The old man closed his ledger, threw off his long white apron, and took his grandchild upon his knee. ‘*You must know, Bossy, that once upon a time there were places called Theatres, and Concert-Rooms, and Picture-Galleries.”’ ‘* What strange names !”’ ‘* Yes,” admitted the aged one with a sigh, ‘they seem strange enough now, but once they were as familiar in our mouths as house- hold words. Hem!—SHaxspEare!” ** Who was SHAKSPEARE ?” The old man shook his head (he had forgotten), and continued :— ‘Theatres were places where you went to = amused. Clever people represented interesting stories—holding up the mirror to nature— before beautiful pictures and to the sounds of lovely music.” ‘* Pictures! music! ’? repeated the child, with wondering eyes. ‘*T will tell you about them presently. And so all the world went to the Theatres. There was a Mr. Took, and a Mr. Vxzin, and a Mr. Irvine, and a Mr. Davip James, and three Ladies who seemed to me endowed with perpetual youth, called Bancrort, ‘'zrRy, and Kenpat. Ah! those were happy days!” ‘** But what have become of the Theatres? "We have none now.” ‘** Alas, no! Then the world took up Actors and Actresses, the ‘Profession’ (as it was called) rubbed shoulders with Dukes and Duchesses, and no ball was complete without an Ophelia or a Lady Teazle in private clothes. Then the world went farther. A New Class sprung up. Almost everybody became an Actor or an Author. The New Class seized the Stage. ld Ladies took to playing Juliet to the prompting of their own grandchildren, and Lord Mayors and Earls wrote the afterparts to all the Christmas Pantomimes.”’ ** And did any one go to see the Judiets and the afterparts ?”’ ‘©The world would go to see nothing else! So by degrees the real Actors and Authors retired, and took to mercantile pursuits, leaving the Stage to their successors. Then the world grew tired of the elderly Juliets and the inane Pantomimes. Something more was wanted, but — not now be found, so the Theatres were closed, and in due time orgotten.” i _ didn’t you say something about Concert Rooms? What were ey ‘* Places where you went to hear music. But they too were seized by the New Class. Feeble young men and portly matrons mono- polised the pianos. Again the world rushed to hear them, and even composed songs for them to sing. The Professionals retired in favour of their weak-voiced successors. The world grew weary of bad singing and asked for good. There was then none to be found. So the Concert Rooms shared the fate of the Theatres.” ** And the Picture Galleries ? ” ‘* Were also seized by the New Class. The professional Painters, after making a last stand by supplying all the designs for the advertisement hoardings, retired into private life. The very last to yield was a Royal Academician called, I think, TrapzE Marks. The world, as usual, rushed to see the imitations which had supplanted the real, grew ton sought in vain for better work, and the Galleries were closed like the Concert Kooms and the Theatres.” ‘* And who were these people who seized everything?” ‘* Conceited idlers,”’ returned the veteran, with honest indignation ‘‘with more money than brains. They aired their vanity and pleaded charity. They debased the public taste, and drove the professionals from their own callings,” ‘** And what were all these silly people called ?”’ ‘They were called Amateurs,’ answered the old ex-Professional, as he turned away from his grandchild, and resumed once more his duties as a Cheesemonger ! ‘“*He’s a most tiresome man,” said Mrs. Ramsporuam ; “he’s always hunting everybody about. He seems to be of SHAKSPEARE’S opinion that ‘ All the world’s a Stag.’” Tae Dramace Question.—This year’s Drink Bill ?

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January 20, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 29 Married Lady. Oh, don’t trouble him! He has nothing whatever to do with the business. Obsequious Tradesman (smiling still more unctuously). Well, Madam, I suppose—ahem !—we must look to Mr. TopsawYER for— ahem !|—for fm ogo 4 Married ly (decidedly). Not at all. I pay for my own require- ments. But poe you are not aware that the new Act of Parlia- ment enables a wife to dispose of her own property without her husband’s knowledge or consent ? Obsequious Tradesman (toi whom the most interesting point is whether or not Mrs. TopsawYER has any sey of her own to dispose of, but who would rather perish than ask the question). Oh, yes, Madam ; but you see that as the goods can hardly be termed neces- saries, if Mr. TopsawYEk should not feel disposed to pay for them, he is not obliged to do so by the law. (Brings out a copy of the Law Reports, and ‘reads copious extracts from the judgment of the House of Lords in the case of Debenham v. Mellon.) Married Lady (interrupting). Ah! but the law has been quite altered. (Takes out a small volume, containing the new Married Woman’s Property Act, bound in Russia leathet, and reads)—‘‘ A married woman shall be capable of acquiring, holding, and disposing by will or otherwise of any property as if she were unmarried. She may enter into any contracts, and sue and be sued without the al ticipation of her husband,” &c., &c. (Goes on vivaciously.) You see, Mr. TopsawyYEnr’s legal position is this, and it ’s not a satisfactory one—for Mr. TopsawyER. He ‘‘ endowed” me, of course, at our marriage, ‘*‘ with all his worldly goods” ; now I have not endowed him with all my worldly goods, or any of them, and this new law says I can do whatever I like with my own property. And I choose to buy these bracelets and things. So you will kindly send them to me this afternoon, and on delivery I will give you a cheque on my bankers. Does that satisfy you ? Obsequious Tradesman (overcome with conflicting emotions). Oh— entirely, Madam. (Hesitating, and trying to be polite.) Possibly, you would have no objection to our yo man, when he calls with the articles, seeing Mr. TopsawYkR, and receiving his assurance, just as a matter of form—— Married Lady (with dignity). Is not my assurance enough ? Besides, you can’t possibly see Mr. TopsawYEn, as the new law gives a wife power to institute criminal proceedings against her husband, and mine is at present, I regret to say, in custody on a charge of a off ee my pon —— i be unp. =~ - isn : = P BRAND-NEW EXHIBITION! THE GRAND Oxp GIANT, ‘‘ STILL &, 2 ae ae, ve to be at Bow Street at twelve o'clock, Growine” IN Posiic EsTIMATION, AND THE Mitgy Mrpcsrt. WO" aaecnitinaces caaiee tubs “ar mateo * Ge me-up”’ in his private sanctum, and sends out for a copy of the Married Woman’s Property Act, when he finds that a REAL DOMESTIC BLISS ; wife can only institute criminal proceedings against her husband in respect of her property WHEN SHE NO LONGER Or, New Form or Magriace-LicEnce. Nl Sg Fe Remembers also thet what he had heard Scenz—Fashionable Jeweller’s Shop in Bond Street. Trws—Early avout Mrs. LOPSAWTER was that 8 ven through a her in 1883, soon after the peor: into operation of the Married own property and most of her husband's, and then made the Woman's Property Act, passed in 1882. Enter a Married Lady. house unbearable to him. Obsequious Tradesman decides To her approaches Obsequious Tradesman. nor to send the jewellery, and to have as little as possible to : / do with Mrs. ToPsawYER in the future. Obsequious Tradesman. What may I have the honour of showing ih ne I wish f b hir arrte . I wish to see some of your best sapphire rings; C C 3 th The adul also some gold Neieiihe set with rubies and diamonds ; wavtae ahs ockNEY CoruxpEUM.— Why is the maker of o Will like an . you may show me some diamond tiaras. terating Publican? Because he is a test-’ater! Obsequious Tradesman (delighted, and bowing very low). With pleasure, Madam. (Returns with an assortment of the most expen- sive jewellery in his establishment.) This bracelet, Madam, is an exceptionally beautiful object. Observe the blending of colours produced by the alternate rubies, opals, and brilliants. [Shows it. Married Lady. What is the price of this ? Obsequious Tradesman. The price is two hundred and fifty guineas, Madam, [Rubs his hands, and smiles in an oily manner, which is in- tended to propitiate his customers should they venture to deprecate his charges—a not uncommon event. Married Lady (carelessly). Then I will take the bracelet. Now show me some rings—sapphires, Mind, I don’t want to go above a hundred guineas. [At the end of her purchases has managed to lay in about £1000 worth of first-class jewellery, the real cost of which to the jeweller 1s probably £700 at most, Obsequious Tradesman begins to wonder who she ts. Obsequious Tradesman (towards end of interview). To whom shall I put it down, Madam ? an ret L coy. Oh, put it down to Mrs, ToroporE TopsawYER, ar’ e. Obsequious Tradesman (who thinks he remembers having heard LITTLE DUCKS GOING TO MARKET. something about the TopsawYERs, but can’t exactly recollect what it| « Ornithological toilettes are the latest novelties of the Parisian winter ay Then a tay man will call with the articles this afternoon, | season—dresses smothered in feathers of different kinds to suit all com- ; and no doubt Mr. TuroporE ToPsAawYER—— plexions.”— Queen.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [January 20, 1883. LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF THE FESTIVE SEASON. perry HIS OWN PRESCRIPTION. Scenre—The Library at Hawarden. Present— | The Premier and Dr. Poxcu. Dr. Punch (with the correct professional collo- | quialism, somewhat qualified by an almost imper- | ceptible clin d’ cil). Wall, and how are we today ‘4 Premier. Why, Sir, a little unaccustomed ] if | nN 4 be! | 4H) 14 I iW } wi! 4 || i H iL a N\theg | in Ji) fe Hien i men My, i dit i a] a | al 2) | ae 3 Le fi x 5 : \ Premier (gravely). It had not been my inten- tion to deal with the subject in a spirit of pleasantry or of persiflage. Dr. Punch. ‘* Ca va sans dire.” §o, believe me, will your ‘‘ explanation.” Premier. But my generous constituents are entitled to this courtesy at my hands. Dr. Punch. But not at your lips—just now. "Tis your lips which, like the pied-piper’s lassitude has somewhat troubled—my friends. — CONSOLATION. Friends, you know, are so easily troubled. (Astde.) And so dread- fully troublesome ! Dr. Punch (with prompt divination). A very “‘ useful trouble”— as the Laureate says of the rain. Your friends (like your enemies) charge you with over-taxation. Premier (with energy). Over-taxation—— ? Dr. Punch. Of your own resources—not the country’s. The charge is too true ; and, as Chancellor of your own spiritual Exche- quer, you should practise a more rigid economy. Premier (eagerly). Economy, Sir? Alas! that goddess, ‘‘ sober, a and demure,” has now but few devout worshippers. Were r. Humz-—. Dr. Punch, Pardon me. The large general question of Economy = — if you please, for the present banish—shall we say to a f Premier. Ah! that much misunderstood remark, with other equally misunderstood or misrepresented points of speech and policy, ——= is—my fervent desire to explain, to justify to Mid. othian. Dr. Punch. Humph! May I ask what is that book you were reading when I entered ? Premier, Oh, a very interesting work, kindly sent me by Pro- fessor GruLtantI, an? entitled ‘‘ Dante Sprigato con Dante.” Dr. Punch. pen And a voluminous ‘‘ GLapsTonE explained by Giapstonr” would doubtless be of surpassing interest to Mid- lothian, and the World. A fine subject, by the way, for some of the **dormant talent” in Conservative Party, and which, for the present, you can very well afford to leave to any budding Disraeli or callow Canning on that side. ‘ pipes, would draw all the country, friends and foes, after you. But, in this case, the piper is more than the piping— to Midlothian, as to all men. You gave them a rare good skirling awhile ago. Then it was dignus vindice nodus. Now there is no need for wasting your splendid ‘‘ wind” on a prolonged pibroch or a startling slogan. Hang up the war-pipes awhile, my WILLIAM, and take a quiet pull at the pipe of peace. Y ; Premier. Perhaps you are right. Possibly, it were better to postpone my northward pilgrimage. Dr. Punch. And if you could take a short swallow flight south- wards, so much the better. At any rate ‘* Spare the tree””—and the Woodman. Atlas should not play the Milo also—especially in winter. Ten minutes’ east wind may work more mischief than ten years’ Eastern Question. In fine, you won’t mind, will you ? ees for once, in the character of ‘‘ le Médecin malgré lui.” remier. I,—ah! perhaps you will Pye explain. Dr. Punch, Certainly. May I ask to look at —_ tongue? Ah! quite so! Fons et origo mali. You can really doctor yourself with your - latest prescription. Shall we say just a /eetle dose of dture By a ‘‘ Liberal’? Waiter. Way will you, Wit, in winter fell nd bee ? More care, beloved ‘Woodman, prithee take. Forget not, whilst you take your mid-day “‘ chop,” How much you put at stake ! Morro oF THE Frencu Facrions,—Divide and don’t govern.

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So SO ———— | . | es ——— Ha Le H4s0L7) y! y {i Wil Ll! Uap } i % y a “Y! a DOSE OF CLOTURE?” 'Z, Con pone — Qu pen ce © 2 =) am ra a = © HIS IN THIS CASE WE THINK THE BEST REMEDY IS YOUR OWN. SHALL WE SAY—A SMALL i) iit tn { A PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Janvary 20, 1883. Ij WW Hf i A Vf yiry - Nit) ! | f ' f iH / i= SS Dr, Ponca. ** AH!

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Fong | = BF il EdsapAeS ASSESS AR Bases sh QSAR |

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January 20, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. eee S | 1 i a SA wa —_— > * SSS ART INTELLIGENCE. TORS Now IN RomE—— WE COULDN’T GET THAT SCULLERY WHITEWASHED !” She (reads), ‘‘ THERE ARE UPWARDS OF FIFTY ENGLISH PAINTERS AND SOULP- ” He (British Philistine—served on a late celebrated Jury!), ‘** AH! NO WONDER | THE LAY OF THE ARMED BURGLAR. Arr—* The Muleteer.” I am a Burglar—armed of course— Far-known, in Suburbdom renowned ; I treat the Public and the Force As targets for my ‘“‘ pills’ all round. For “‘ pot” and shot all round. When on my bold nocturnal task, ric, crack ! my course is clear. At sight of me with ‘‘ glim” and mask, Householders shrink with fear. For if on me they chance to drop, Before my game is done, I outs with my revolver—pop ! And riddle them like fun. Crick, crack ! my course is clear, A Burglar void of fear. Oh yes, I am a Burglar—armed— Not too particular to rules ; With the Law’s treatment I am charmed, The Public are such blesséd fools, Such confounded fools ! Do they attempt to change their laws, With me to interfere ? Not they ; and while they only jaws, Cric crack ! my course is clear. - As for poor Bobby, should he try With truncheon me to stop, “Drop that, my lad, or oaled your eye! You won’t? Then take it! Pop!” Cric crack ! my course is clear, A Burglar void of fear. EpiscopaL UTTERANCE.—The Ghost in Hamlet— * Do not forget: This visitation Is but to whet thy almost blunted purpose.” A concise visitation charge. Spoken like the spirit of the Bishop as well as a King. ‘*] REALLY was puzzled what to do for the best,” said our own Mrs. RamspotHamM. ‘1 was quite ‘on the corns of a duenna,’ as the saying is.”’ ON THE HIGHEST AUTHORITY. Arter the complete collapse of the extremely circumstantial rumour, so persistently circulated of late, to the effect that Prince Apert Victor was about to commence his career as an Oxford undergraduate at Christ Church, under the tutelage of Dean LmbELL, the following on dits that have been recently floating freely about Society, are at length being received with a little more caution. It is understood that Sir Srarrorp Nortucore has derived such remarkable benefit from his recent Mediterranean cruise, that he will after the first of April next, take permanent charge of one of the a of the Peninsular and Oriental Company’s steamers, and run backwards and forwards between Shanghai and Gravesend, carrying the mails, until further notice. It is interesting to note that among the roll of those who have most recently been entered as students of the Royal Academy, there figures conspicuously the name of Baron HupDLESTONE. The Dake of Camsrrnex will, on the 5th of next month, take up residence in the handsome suite of apartments that have been specially provided for him inside the crater of Vesuvius. As it is e intention of his Royal Highness to spend the early Spring in studying professionally the action of dynamite when shovelled in large ewer down the mouths of active volcanoes, much interest as to the result of the expedition has been already manifested in military circles. Lord Brazovrne is about to take up his quarters at the Dramatic School of Art, with a view to learning dancing and elocution in the regular curriculum afforded by the Institution. No reason has been assigned for this step, which has excited a good deal of frely ~ ‘eomee in political circles ata certain prominent West- art ° It is stated that Lord Wotsetry has concluded an arrangement with the proprietors of Madame Tussaup’s Exhibition to sit as motionless as he can in the place of his own effigy, now being dis- played at Baker Street, until the termination of the Christmas holi- days. Over-sensitiveness as to certain points about the model that represents him, and which the noble Lord regards as “‘ a caricature that does not do him anything like full justice,” is said to have led to his resolve to take the matter, at any sacrifice, into his own hands, THE ROMANCE OF JOURNALISM. In the foreign intelligence daily published in the newspapers, there frequently occurs a sort of paragraph which, mutatis mutandis that is to say change of names merely, everybody seems to have rea over and over again. This is one of them:— ‘* Cardinal M‘Case has telegraphed that the statement made ‘ respecting the despatches said to have passed between me and Cardinal JacoBInI, con- cerning diplomatic relations between England and the Holy See, is utterly destitute of foundation.’ ’’ Here is a specimen of a sort of story (as young Ladies ounbeniet- cally say) which somebody is continually telling, and somebody else contradicting. The latter usually avows himself; but who is the former? If a caterer of fictitious news is kept by some of our con- temporaries to fill up space, he may perhaps be describable as a penny-a-liar. An Old Buffer on a New Bill. Atas! how Matrimony has miscarried ! Alas! that Law and Rads against it thus band ! The only proper tie for Woman, married, Hymen’s knot—which ties her to her husband.

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34 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [January 20, 1883, THE SOCIAL REVOLUTION. {[A_Mr. OtpHam, calling himself President of the English National Revolutionary League, writes to the St. James’s Gazette that murder is sometimes no crime, and that “‘ Kings and priests, altars and thrones, crowns and mitres, we regard as the emblems of tyranny and force and fraud in every land and every clime; and we look forward to the time when they shall be swept away never more to torment and tyrannise over human kind.”’] Ho! for the poisonous bowl, Up with the bludgeon and dagger ! Tn floods of gore we shall roll, Making old monarchies stagger. Kings shall be all swept away, Priests shall immediately vanish ; All who have wealth, from to-day, Socialist leaders shall banish. Woe to the Mitre and Crown! We shall take stern retribution ; Altar and throne shall come down, Smashed by the red revolution. All institutions are " Mankind, we know, doesn't ’em; Here’s to the men who don’t wash, Dirt is the emblem of Freedom ! Murder we hold is no crime, We’re game for assassination ; This is the teaching sublime, Blood is the base of a nation. So pot-house Pane scream, ving at families royal ; But we disdain the vile dream, England ’s contented ‘and loyal. Tmt, Mrs. RamssotHam’s Cousin, the Archdeacon, is very particu- lar about his fish, so, as he was coming to dinner, that dear old lady ordered a pair of Acme Skates to besentin. She thought it would be such a pleasant sur- = for the good man. It pro- ably was. PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 119. Sammtopasence + Ta—y 1433 DR. ANDREW CLARKE. (At present the Premier’s Body-Guard.) THERE WAS A SHARP DocrorR, AND WHAT DO YOU THINK ? His sImMPLE PRESCRIPTION was ‘‘ WITTLES AND DRINK.” ** WITTLES AND DRINK—MOST IMPORTANT 18 Digt— AND MIND, GRAND OLD Man, YOU MUST KEEP YOURSELF QUIET.” SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE AND THE GANDER. We all know who the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN po ees the Exa- miner of § lays, and the Metropolitan of Works, and the Under-Secretary of State at the Home-Office, and the Public Prosecutor, for have they not combined to carry out the orders of an Act of Parliament that for many years they have ignored. Mr. Baum, of the Alca- zar, will in all probability have to shut his doors for not o ying the 7th Section of the 6 & 7 Vict. Cap. 68, which forbids the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN or the Justices to grant a licence to “any person except the actual and responsible Manager for the time being of the Theatre in respect of which the Licence shall be granted.” Then why is Mrs. BegnarD BEERE managing a house licensed to Mr. F. Marrtanp of 264, Newcastle Street, Strand? and why, when the Act of Parliament demands that the name and place of abode of each Ses ehall be printed on every Playbill announcing any representation at each Theatre, may we not gratify our curiosity by knowing where Miss GENE- vitve Wakp lives, and where Mr. ALFRED THomPson, of the Yellow Dwarf, resides? The ‘serious uestion of the — of the ublic” may be involved in these things, £0 let us have an Inspector of Playbills as well as an Exa- miner of Plays. Will Mr. WILLING accept the post, or Mr. StinesBy BETHELL ? The Harbertonian Garment. A Threnody. First, divided ! Then derided ! ! Fate decided ! !! A NEW TRIAL. Scenr—A Court in the Royal Palace of Justice. Lord Chief Justice Ponca discovered on the Bench preparing to sum up. Enter Mr. Baron MuDDLESOME. Baron Muddlesome (bowing to the Lord Chief Justice). Before he commences his summing-up, I shall be glad of my learned Brother’s permission to introduce a few of my perzonal friends. Lord Chief Justice Punch (smiling). I can refuse you nothing, Brother ; but I must remind you that the Bench has its limits. Baron Muddlesome (hastening to explain). Yes, I know; and, therefore, I have refused tickets of admission to all my friends, except to those of the highest nobility. I have my learned Brother’s permission to introduce them? (Zhe Lord Chief ‘Justice bows good-naturedly, and the Baron ushers in—with extreme courtesy—a number of Ladies.) And, now, your Graces, as you are all seated, will stand over here and explain. Lord Chief Justice Punch (severely). Silence, Brother! You forget yourself. emember you are in a Court of Justice ! Baron Muddlesome sed wounded). I beg your pardon! (Lord Chief Justice bows gravely.) But I would not have ventured to address even a Stuff-gownsman with so much harshness. Lord Chief Justice Punch (with dignity). Then, Brother, you do not know how to maintain decorum! Not a word, please, or I shall have to commit you for contempt. (Zhe Baron looks aghast, and explains in dumb-show his sorrowful annoyance.) And now, Gentlemen of the Jury, we will get to work. You will remember that we are trying a case of ‘‘ waste.” The Plaintiff is owner of a fee simple subject to the life interest of a tenant for life. Defendant is that tenant for life, and the Plaintiff says that the Defendant has committed ‘‘ waste” by cutting down a large quantity of ornamental timber. : Foreman of the Jury. As the nephew of a Solicitor, m’Lord, will you allow me to express my admiration at your Lordship’s—— __ Lord Chief Justice Punch (interrupting). Certainly not! And if you are the nephew of a Solicitor, Sir, 1 am surprised that your relative has not informed you that a high judicial dignitary does not — the praise of oneee to encourage him to perform a purely public duty! Enough, Sir! To return. Now, there is no doubt about the cutting down of the trees. That is admitted. The question is, what is ‘‘waste?”’? And to explain this matter several witnesses have been called. The first was Mr. Baron MUDDLESOME, who gave us his definition with much legal pomposity. (Laughter. } He said something about ‘* waste” being voluntary or permissive, and hurting the legatee, or devisee, or somebody. Renewed laughter. Mr. Baron Muddlesome (interposing). With all respect to my learned Brother, I merely defined ‘‘ waste” as any permanent depreciation of the inheritance. rd Chief Justice Punch. What adefinition! (Roars ef laughter.) Perhaps, Brother, you can tell us something more about it? — Mr. Baron Muddlesome. Certainly. Except when permitted by statute, a tenant for life, will, or sufferance, a Bishop, or other eccle- siastical person, and a copyholder cannot commit any ‘‘ waste.” Lord Chief Justice Punch. Oh! can’t they ? i LShrieks of merriment. Mr. Baron Muddlesome (blushing). If I am to be subjected to ridicule, of course, I have done; but I think some respect is due to a head of one of the learned professions ! Brother—as much respect Lord Chief Justice Punch. ss as you yourself would pay to a General, an Archbishop, or a Royal

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January 20, 1883, ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ——_— | Weft S —" Wn Officer. ‘* VERY GOOD. RC QB S : ce READY, AYE READY!” Officer (‘‘ Royal Irish”). ‘* WHY WERE YOU LATE IN BARRACKS LAST NIGHT, PaivaTE ATKINS?” Private Atkins, ‘‘TRAIN FROM LONDON WAS VERY LATE, SrR.” > NEXT THIME THE THRAIN’S LATE, TAKE CARE ¥’ COME BY AN EARLIER OnE!” Academician. I am annoyed, but not surprised at this unseemly demonstration. (Silence immediately restored in Court.) You were saying, Brother ?. Mr. Baron Muddlesome. I was merely, as a Lawyer, giving an opinion upon a matter of purely legal technicality. Lord Chief Justice Punch. No doubt you were—but do we want this? I would remind the Jury that we have good authority for believing that direct evidence is‘ preferable to expert evidence in matters of fact. Well, we have a matter of fact. The Defendant, a tenant for life, cuts down some timber. Does he commit “waste?” ‘* Yes,” says Mr. Baron MuppLEsomg, and he proceeds to confuse your minds with a lot of legal technicalities. To oat from the summing-up in a recent very interesting trial, “ the ublic in their verdicts are generally right.” And by the Public, of course, are meant the Juries who represent them. (Cheers.) Now, what is the common-sense view of ‘‘ waste ?’? Why, not'to receive the fall value of a thing by some action on the part of the possessor. Did the Defendant ‘“‘waste” the timber? It was ornamental—he preferred that it should be useful. So he sold some.of it and made a ship out of some of it, and gave some of it away to a thrifty meahew, by whom it was used to the best advantage. Now, was this was Mr. Baron Muddlesome (excitedly), Certainly it was, from a legal point of view. Lord Chief Justice Punch. But we don’t want to look at the matter from what you call a legal point of view. (Zhunders of applause.) No doubt there is much in what you say, and were we discussing the affair over a bottle of port at the Bench table of Gray’s, you would have a good case, but this is a Court of Justice. Mr. Baron Muddlesome. And surely of Law,—surely of Law! , Lord Chief Justice Punch. By which, I suppose, you mean to imply that there is a distinction between Law and Justice! Laughter.) I am afraid, Brother, you take a very narrow view of gs when your judgment is warped by your professional partiality. ow, Gentlemen, I have little more to say. It is for you to decide whether the Defendant committed ‘‘waste.” On the one and, we hear that he used the timber to the best advantage, and certainly did 1 ot ‘* waste’? (in the ordinary qanaptetian: of the term) a single stick of it. On the other hand, experts—Judges and Queen’s Counsel, and s0 forth—have been called before you who have, in spite of the direct evidence that has been adduced, sworn that there has been ‘‘ waste.” No doubt they are stating exactly what they believe to be the case, but I must remind you once more that the evidence of experts must be received with the gravest suspicion. Gentlemen, you will now consider your decision. [Exeunt the Jury to return immediately with a thoroughly common-sense verdict. THE SONG OF THE SHEEP-FARMER. Arn—“ The Maid of Llangollen.” THE wet may be constant, the ewes may ‘‘ run down,” But there is some comfort ’gainst Fortune’s dark frown ; The saddest of farmers I never can be, Whilst the Earl of Carnarvon thinks kindly of me. The Earl of CARNARVON pass scornfully by ? No! He writes to the Standard, and all about I! Ah! deaf to loud Arcu’s sly charmings I'll be, Whilst the Earl of Canwarvon thinks kindly of me. At Her Majesty’s, the Yellow Dwarf is at last assuming better proportions. Spite an inferior ‘‘ book,” the entertainment, by some judicious chopping and changing, has been got at length into a fairly presentable condition. Indeed, thanks to the inventive grace of Mr. THompson, to whom it owes all the “‘ artistic merit” it possesses, the play contains perhaps as brilliant and elegant a bit of spectacular effect as is just now to be seen on any stage, either in London or out of it. If there is not much to listen to, there is certainly something that is literally well worth seeing.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {January 20, 1883, THE DOCTOR’S DREAM. I am sitting alone, by the sur, fire, with my pipe alight, now the day is done: The ‘aon is quiet, fe wife pte the child Ts hush'd, and the clock strikes One! And I think to myself, as I read the news, and bless my life for the peace upstairs, That the burden’s sore for the best of men, but few can dream what a Doctor bears ; For here I sit at the close of a day, whilst others have counted their profit and gain, And I’ve tried as much as a man can do, in my humble manner, to soften pain : I’ve warned them all, in a learned way, of careful diet, and talked of tone, And when I have preached of regular meals, I’ve scarcely had time to swallow my own. I was waked last night in my first long sleep, when I crawled to bed from my rounds dead it beat. ‘* Ah, the Doctor’s called!” and they turned and snored, as my trap went rattling down the street! ~ ; I sowed my oats, pretty wild they were, in the regular manner when life was free, For a Medical Student isn’t a Saint, any more than your orthodox Pharisee ! I suppose I did what others have done, since the whirligig round of folly began, And the ignorant pleasures I loved as a boy—I have pretty well cursed since I came to be man. But still I recall through the mist of years and through the portals of memory steal The kindly voice of a dear old man who talked to us lads of the men who heal, Of the splendid mission in life for those who study the science that comes from God, Who buckle the armour of Nature on, who bare their breasts and who kiss the rod. - So the boy disappeared in the faith of the man, and the oats were sowed but I never forgot There were few better things in the world to do than to lose all self in the Doctor's lot, So I left the life that had seemed so dear, to earn a crust that isn’t so cheap, And I bought a share of a practice here, to win my way, and to lose my sleep ; To be day and night at the beck and call of men who ail, and women who lie ; To know how often the rascals live, and see with sorrow the dear ones die ; To be laughed to scorn as a man who fails, when Nature pays her terrible debt ; To give a mother her first-born’s smile, and leave the eyes of the husband wet ; To face and brave the gossip and stuff that travels about through a county town ; To be thrown in the way of hysterical girls, and live all terrible scandals down ; To study at night in the papers here of new disease and of human ills ; 3 To work like a slave for a weary year, and then to be cursed when I sent my bills! Upon my honour, we ’re not too hard on those who cannot afford to pay, For nothing I’ve cured the widow and child: for nothing I’ve watched till the night turned ay ; I’ve earned the prayers of the poor, thank God, and I’ve borne the sneers of the pampered beast, I’ve heard confessions and kept them safe as a sacred trust like a righteous priest, To do my duty I never have sworn, as others must do in this world of woe, But I’ve driven away to the bed of pain, through days of rain and through nights of snow. * * * * * - * . As here I sit and I smoke my pipe, when the day is done and the wife’s asleep, I think of that brother-in-arms who’s gone, and utter—well, something loud and deep! And I read the news and I fling it down, and I fancy I hear in the night that scream Of a ween who ’s crying for vengeance! Hark! No, the house is still! It’s a Doctor’s ream ! GETTING OUT OF A SCRAPE. Mr. Coartes Reanve has, in the advertising columns of several contemporaries, made the agreeable announcement that two of his ‘‘ masterpieces’? may be now enjoyed every evening without the painful accompaniment of the “* Tune the Old Cow died of.” That this infliction was necessarily involved in any attempt to sit out the two masterpieces in question, was, fortunately, not widely known to all the classes of Society invited by Mr. REapr’s seductive advertisements to witness them. However, it is just as well to realise that the danger is past; though, apparently, it has not been disposed of without what may be regarded as a regrettable incident or two. ‘* This pest,”’ says the spirited dramatist, ‘‘ under which the visitors of theatres have groaned so long, has been banished, after a severe struggle, from the orchestra of the Adelphi.” It is to be presumed that the encounter here referred to, which evidently must have been of a most violent and personal character, occurred at some morning rehearsal. And it may be noted, by the way, that during the Christmas holidays this seems almost a mistake. A free fight—and there obviously must have been some very lively approach to something of the kind—between the late Conductor and his band on one side, and Messrs. CHARLES Reape and J. E. MaLianpatne, backed up by the interpreters of the new music, on the other, could scarcely have failed to have drawn large houses every evening if properly billed and prominently put forward as an attractive feature of the programme. However, if this point has been missed, there has at least been something left in the shape of a counter poise. ‘* All the music of the evening,” continues the Adelphi Wagner, ‘is selected by me, and I venture to think that visitors will find themselves consoled and cheered between the Acts— not tormented as if it were a crime to come to a Theatre.” Considering the risk that the modern Playgoer has for some time been running of getting tormented, not only between the Acts, but during the progress of the whole performance at more than one ‘West-End Theatre that could be named, Mr. READE indeed deserves to be reckoned as a public benefactor. If all he says about it be true, and there is no ground for questioning his facts, an evening spent at the Adelphi, especially if commenced before seven in the upper boxes, must be not only a very curious, but a very delightful human experience. Fink Svssect FoR THE PsycuicaL Socrety.—The Sculptor’s Ghost. _ Tue elasticity of langua in the hands of those who it, and never before has asweeter name been found for murder and assassination than tne one discovered by LovisE MicuetL, the Republican lad ruin and discredit the Republic. She calls ‘* suppression.” to stop her orations at Belleville, Paris, or the Steinway Hall, probably call that particular form of sup- pression, murder. sination she would doubtless apply to any official ¢ slightly, with her power of talking. A SWEET SYNONYM. has no limits ow how to use who does all she can to If any steps were taken London, she would The longer word assas- however act that interfere MY TELESCOPE. So, I shut it up Never, als fo- cussed, never To apply it to my eye. Prize, delight, as I, that thought it, Find but so ful- filled my hope, That I wish I ne’er had bought it— My too truthful Telescope ! It was lndiy at all hours To be told the time of day By the most remote church-towers, Prettier still to watch the play Of their faces when my cousins Clinging, clustered, to a rope, Braved the waves that came in dozens— Through my tell-tale Telescope! Ah! the meaning winks of Science! ere was One whose eyes divine Flashed a gay and straight defiance _ Through that trembling tube, to mine! Can it be that now we’re parted ? Is it true that to elope She has even schemed—false-hearted, Hollow, as my Telescope ? Turned to search the starry pattern Of the skies where learned Love Showed the wedding-rings of Saturn And the honeymoons of Jove, Night by night the space between us Was, while we were wont to grope For the silver smile of Venus, Lessened by my Telescope ! Simple !—Science is the sister Of true Poesy, is said, By the souls that, bold, have kissed her, And I know that when we, wed, Flew to spoon in Alpine passes, Lodged where loveless lives the Porg, There was glamour in the glasses Of my ten-lensed Telescope ! Yet I guessed not when we petted That young man we met abr I should view him, well—vignetted With my own, my modest Mavp, In the way I did, this saeening. Miles up yonder mountain-slope !— After one such awful warning Who would use a Telescope ? A Srern Duty.—The Steersman’s. ee > TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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January 27, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i LITERAL. Visitor (to Disconsolate One). ‘‘ REJECTED YOU, DID SHE ? TRY HER AGAIN. ” ‘OFTEN DO AT FIRST. You SHOULD HAVE PRESSED HER—— Dejected One, ** YES, BUT—CONFOUND HER !—SHE WOULDN'T LET ME COME ? NEAR HER OH, WHAT 0’ THAT? You ’RE NOT PERTINAOCIOUS ENOUGH. THE HAPPY HYDROPOT! [A Correspondent seriously suggests in the Times that the members of the great army of total abstainers in the kingdom shali be called for the future Hydropots. He does not see the joke, and only innocently fears they will be called Waterpots !] Wuat shall I call thee? Think I can’t! Thou loyal one, with cheeks so pale, Who execrates all stimulant, And revels in old Apam’s ale! Each neophyte the movement helps, Abstainer or Blue Ribbonite ; And maybe, like Converted PHELpPs, You have a juicy tongue to bite! I’ll call thee then—why should I not >— My Greek-derived—My Hydropot! For thee no more the gay champagne Shall sparkle round the glassy rim ; I’)l broach no Burgundy again To make thy precious vision dim: No horrid “‘ nips” of sherry wine Thy ante-dinner hours mp rm “ On toast-and-water we will dine, My own, my all-abstaining boy. Thus I will call thee—who would not ?— My classical—My Hydropot ! SELLE = IAA Unrecognised the demon Thirst Attends at supper, dinner, lunch : Thou hast proclaimed the man accurst Who brews the festive bowl of Punch! The merry season passes by Without a stave, without a toast ; You never ‘* wet the other eye”’ With any bacchanalian host. Thy prize must be, thy precious lot, To be proclaimed My Hydropot! You will bewail no more, I think, The ~e hot, the aching head ; But though you may not over-drink, You still may over-eat instead. There is no order in the world, No bloated preacher ever tries To bellow down, with flags unfurled, Man’s gluttonous propensities. But let this never be forgot— I’ve named thee now My Hydropot! PLON-PLON IN CHAINS. (Brief Extract from the coming ‘* Mia Prigione,’’) It was a vast venture to dare, but then when you have young Grorce Lacnaup—the Grorer Lewis of France—and young GavTIER, son of THfOPHILE, and therefore necessarily a neat stylist, turning out a proclamation isn’t half such a difficult thing as por eo people think. It is a good deal easier than keeping calm atthe Alma, and remaining to share the shame of Sedan. Great coup that of mine, keeping out of Sedan ; the only Napoleon they can’t connect with that. And then the bill-sticking business was well- imagined. First time anyone has attempted a coup d'état by bill- sticking. Afterwards, one generally does a good deal in the way of bills, and as much as one can inthe endeavour to stick where one is. But when it comes to incarceration, one hesitates. One is prudent, even though a Napoleon; and when Jerome in addition, one is additionally prudent. But Lacwaup said they wouldn't hurt me; and as a lawyer he ought to know. If the Party did want to do anything desperate, anything violent, and likely to bring a man into the ridicalous predicament of being shot, or stabbed, or any- thing nasty of that kind, why it would only come and liberate me when everything was successful and assured. (Communication from Dr Cassaenac, asking me to go to London with him in order to land together at Boulogne the day after. He will provide eagle if I provide the hat. Refuse. Am abominably sea-sick; and Pavt is such a desperately compromising fellow— might get me into a serious quarrel with the military. lad it’s the Conciergerie. Has a good historical sound. ‘‘ Napo- LEON Bonaparte at the Conciergerie””—why, the phrase is almost enough to land me at the Elysée. Besides, MARTE ANTOINETTE was there, and—and lots of celebrated people among whom I must now ike _ I’m afraid I shouldn’t have been at Madame Tussavp’s without this. But they might have made the arrest a little more picturesque, the prosaic Republicans! Merely police-agents and a Commissary! Not even a battery of artillery! But after all, though, perhaps it was all for the best. Guns have an unaccount- able way of going off unaccountably sometimes. E ‘ Two days passed in chains, and the People have not yet risen. Didn’t count much on the ribald Parisians, but after all those circu- lars distributed in the Departments (rather dear for an economical Pretender like myself), I really expected the Province would descend to the rescue alittle. Half anticipated hearing ‘‘ O Richard, O mon Rot !”—only it would have been ‘‘Empereur !’’—under my window, the first morning ; but Brenorr the Judge was the only thing in the shape of a BLonpEL—and he doesn’t sing. Nor do I—but I swear. Horrid prison-dinner from Vorsrn’s: the mauviettes weren’t two days old: ; and as for the Chambertin, why, it wouldn’t even have suited GAMBETTA. *~ - * * ” . Five days here and no ovation. Change my restaurant for a change, and get a good langue truffée from Brisant. But the cap- tive’s Chateau Yquem is awfully inferior for twelve francs the bottle. Have my idea the Government means to poison me. A fortnight after incarceration, and Lacnaup everyday? Have an idea the Government intends to reduce me by ennuz. Still no demonstrations. Where "s CassaGnac P = ; Three weeks of prison fare at a hundred francs a day, and I find out that CassaGnac is just the man who is naking me more ridiculousthan I can make myselt i, and people say I can doa good deal in that way. After I forget how many weeks, am let out with results of high prison feeding, and the base Soe me as to inquire audibly, ‘‘ Who’s that fat fellow?” ut and other so forgotten How To cet Out or A ScraPe.—Let your beard grow. Sang. TOR. LESETV. : E

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UNEXPROTED CHANGE IN THE WEATHER DURING THE AFTERNOON HAS MADE LonTGOMERY-JON \ Tae }

January 27, 1883.] ane PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39

THE PSALM OF DEATH. % Gentlemen, I am a soldier, and war is the soldier’s element ; and well I should like again to experience the elevated feeling of commanding ina pitched battle, knowing that the balls of the enemy are every instant sum- ing men before the judgment- seat of God.’”’—Marshal Von Man- teuffel to the Provincial Committee of Alsace- Lorraine. What the heart of the young Teuton said to the old Marshai :— TELL me not in mournful numbers Death is shocking. Not at all! Death clears off the scum that cumbers This o’er-populated ball. Dat - stirring, Death is splen- (Death of other men, not mine) d its ing is attended By a feeling great—divine. Art is bosh, and Science fleeting, But purveying for the grave, To sword- g and drum- beating, This is business brisk and brave. Let us urge the herd to battle ; They perhaps prefer dull life, ving quills, or carts, or cattle, Knowing not the joys of strife. \ Lives of conquerors all remind us PR fp cae Bon rom b ~ sive, e eave behind us— Well, now, ‘what should you suppose P Broken heartsand crippled bodies: Statues, stars, great families : Those for proletariat noddies, Forourselvesand children these. Let us then be up and fightin (4 la Marshal Vor Man - rel) Set the Mob to mutual smiting, While we sing Death’s 0 be joyful !

PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 120. JAMES NASMYTH. ‘*T saw NAsMyYTH stand with his hammer thus!” King John, Act 1V., Sc. ii.i—(Mr. Punch's Edition.) | with ? EPITAPH BY A FELLOW. “The old female hippopotamus (Adhela), presented to the Zoological Society in 1853 by the then Vicerty of Egypt, recently died.’’—Nature. In Urbe, in the Regent’s Rus, Once lived our eenenenns : For thirty years she was to us A useful mpepereees! The Press and people made a fuss About our Hippopotamus : Ang ene came up by cab and us, To see our Hippopotamus; And paid their shillings to discuss Our noble Hippopotamus. Of coin she brought us overplus, Our darling Hippopotamus. ~~ gone, let’s shed a tear, and us Lament our Hippopotamus ! Hie jacet, neath a tumulus, Adhela Hippopotamus ! OUR GLUT OF GREAT MEN. Ow1ne to the crowded state of Westminster Abbey, which build- ing promises, or threatens, ver shortly to become overcrowde with monuments to, and statues of, departed worthies, attention has been called to a proposal put forth by the late Dean SranLey “to enlarge the place of national burial by the erection of a Campo Santo, or mortuary cloister, on the space now occupied by secu- lar buildings on the south-east side of the Abbey.” What other country on earth is there, besides meng Old England, that can rag of having more great men —goldiers, statesmen, divines, philosophers, poets, painters sculptors, musicians, political economists, comic novelists, and TEUF- |Tat Man wHO KNOWS HOW TO KNOCK METAL ON THE Heap witH| other geniuses of every descrip- THE RIGHT HAMMER! tion—than, as represented in their respective images and memorial sculptures, it knows what to do

AN INVALID’S NOTES. Drpr’r feel up to the mark! Didn’t know exactly what was the matter with me, but had a strong disinclination to get up in the morning, and an overpowering desire to go to sleep in the afternoon. Was generally depressed, and suffered from forebodings of immediate evil which were never fulfilled. Had an idea that the world was against me in general, and that no one would mourn over my approaching death, but would dismiss the subject summarily, not to say with a light heart. Consulted my Doctor. He sounded me, and said there was a harshness of breat: ing, and there was somethin not quite right at the bottom of my left lung. I thoughtso. I ha felt it coming on for along time. I have always known that my life Wo! shortened by lung-disease, and I proceeded to relate several anecdotes of bronchial affections in our family, to which truth compels me to state my Doctor did not even pay that attention which common politeness demands. He said there was no ground for uneasiness. Of course, not for him; but if he was suffering my complaint he wouldn’t take such a cheery view of the case. He advised me to lay — a bit, to keep warm, and avoid night- air. It is very easy to be a Doctor. Laid up for a week, kept warm, and avoided night-air. Didn’t feel any . Grew more depressed. Found myself spending hours before the looking-glass, gazing at my tongue. Couldn’t slee except at wrong times, such as between breakfast and lunch, an was seized with a wild passion to go to bed at five in the afternoon. insomnia leads to madness, and I told my doctor of several cases of raying insanity which adorn our family history. He has prekeniy never had any lunatics, except himself, in his family, as he pooh- poohed the notion, and said that want of sleep arose solely from

biliousness. A coarse, common train of thought. The drop from incipient insanity, about which there is something heroic, somethin connected with old red-brick mansions and wainscotted parlours an clanking of chains, to biliousness, which is nothing more or less than over-eating and drinking, is as from murder to petty larceny. Pro- bably if convicted of both I should prefer to be sentenced for the latter; but I had hugged my insanity—my picture of an over- wrought brain—to my breast, and was sorry to part with him. The doctor ay on declaring that there was really nothing the matter with me, but that I was low, and oe much nursing ; and it’s a wonder he didn’t add petting. He gave me tonics, which, for complete removal of appetite, were, I should think, unequalled. Making no progress one way or the other. Got tired of laying up and oa warm and avoiding night air. Went out for the first time to a Theatre. Smoked cigarettes, which I am strictly forbidden to do, in draughty passages, which I am expressly ordered to avoid, and drank brandies and sodas, which I am commanded to shun like ison, between the Acts. Pouring wet night, and no cabs to be got. alked from Theatre to Club in thin clothes and shoes. Got soaked. Drank more B. and §.’s, and smoked more cigarettes, at Club, and came home, wringing wet, in a very slow, stray hansom. Felt chilled to the bone. Did this with variations for a week, then sent for my Doctor again. He said I was a little below par, but that my lungs were all sound and well. Laid up for a month. Put myself on a strict diet. Kept ina room with a constant temperature. Tonicked myself vigorously. My appetite returned. felt bay oma | Ww Sent for my Doctor. Said there was no absolute danger, but both my lungs were congested. I felt delighted that I had really got something tangible the matter with me at last.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Janvary 27, 1883. ROUND ABOUT THE LAW COURTS. A PRETENCE of privacy. At the large Gothic gateway several attendants wearing a costume which might have been designed for ° the Postal Brigade to Madame Tussaup’s Wax Works, bar the entrance. Are you a Witness, or a Counsel, or a Juror? If you are neither of these three, then must you enter the building by a different door—a door which, jealously guarded, permits to pass but a tithe of those who seek admission. But once they hear you are a Witness, or a Counsel, or a Juror, and although you may be accompanied by scores of your cousins, your sisters, and your aunts, you are] }, allowed to enter amidst “much rejoicing. And some of those who pass for and as ‘‘ Counsel,” pronounced ‘‘ Council,” are—as a Bayswater wag would observe—“ scarcely bar-gains.”’ You find the Central Hall deserted, so you dash up a staircase which leads to the Courts. You have been told that the Bar “Not Admitted except on Business.”’ Corridor is to be sacred to those who have a right to wear horse-hair | } wigs and stuff or silk gowns. To your surprise you stumble over a most miscellaneous set of persons. Here is a loafer you last saw marching with the Guards’ Band from Wellington Barracks to the St. James’s Palace, there a club-window man, who has not the remotest connection with the gentlemen of the long robe, yonder a country parson, who, accompanied by his wife’s father, is showing his bride all ‘the sights o’ London.” Of one thing you feel certain—that these persons are neither Witnesses nor Jurymen. As you walk rapidly along, you see a chamber labelled ‘‘ Consultation Room.” You peep , and find two telegraph boys playing at pitch-and-toss. Again in oo advance, and on your left you notice some recesses suggestive of xes in an old-fashioned cook-shop, which are supposed to be for the convenience of a Solicitor and Clients. They are evidently intended for the argument of yng cases of intricate law. On this occasion they have been put to other purposes. As you pass, you perceive that the mother of a family has secured the table of one of ae recesses for the discussion of the noonday meal of a numerous offspring. But these are details. Here are the Courts themselves. You push open a spring-door, which immediately closes behind you with a bang. There isa general and rs ery of ‘‘Hush!” A Judge is perched up on a sort of stage, which seemingly has been arranged ‘Now Theatre Royal Law Courts. First appearance of Mr. Justice Chitty in a New Character. for amateur theatricals. He has a door on either side of him, and doors to the left and right. Before him is a mahogany desk, under which you expect him to sink and to reappear as someone else—like a forensic Mr. Wooprn. And this suggests a notion. Until things settle down a little, a great deal of the time of the Court is sure to be wasted. Might not some of that time be employed in a theatrical entertainment? Mr. Justice , for instance, would be seen to infinite advantage in Number One Round the Corner, were he supported by the most promising of his colleagues. To return to **the real,” the narration of which may be treated for a moment in dramatic form :— ScenE—A Court in the Royal Palace of Justice. Registrar pre- ong at a Shop Counter stocked with rolls of. papers. Junior Bar huddled together in a corner, the seats reserved for their use having been carried triumphantly by the Public: Counsel (rising with a brief). My Lord, I have,to suply {ener mous bang)—for an injunction—— % _[ Bang, non! Judge (shouting). I really cannot hear you, Mr. Jenxins. The noise Is—— Bang, bang, crash! Counsel. I suppose I may take a rule, my Lord ? Judge. A what? (Crash, bang, crash! Counsel. A rule. 1 would observe—— ‘ (Bang. bang, crash ! and murmur of conversation from without. Judge. Really, this is intolerable—(bang, crash, bang !)—and I have got such an awful cold from the draughts, that-——- : [Bang, bang, crash, bang! Scene closes in upon general confusion. But it is only fair to say that some of the Judges were well satisfied with their new quarters. For instance, Sir JaMES was under- stood to intimate (by those who could hear him) that he considered F the acoustic qua- lities of his Court next door to per- fection. But even e was a victim to discomfort, as he had to spend his time in about equal ortions between hearing divorce motions, % granting probate 4% applications, ooking into disputed _ship- wrecks, and ote mn wie he Suggested Improvement for the Bench and the Bar. his arm-chair. However, he was patient, and assured the Bar he could hear them very well. Could they hear him? This was a great opportunity for a gentleman In a very, very new wig, who until now had had little or nothing to do with the roceedings. He jumped up, bowed to the Judge, and assured his ) pre that his Lordship’s syllables were as clear as crystal. Then he smiled, and sat down rejoicing in the success of what was evi- dently his maiden speech. This was received most graciously by Sir James, and the banging and the crashing went on as before. No doubt the Judge was contented, but to e him quite happy the assistance of an ear-trumpet and a voice-magnifier, such as those that are used during a storm at sea, seemed absolutely. necessary. In the Court of Appeal the Master of the Rolls was found consult- ing with his colleagues, seemingly quite unconscious of the fact that an Equity man was prosing away, pleased but unheard, amidst the reverberations of closing portals and the laughs of private conversa- tions. Fortunately, most of the Barristers much to say about the law before the date of the Judi- pee SALT |) wee reBeE | i ne A Call P. eature Act, which they seemed _ to know a great deal better than the law which has been introduced by the passing of that interesting _ little measure. So, if their arguments failed to reach the Bench, not much was lost, after all, to anyone. But as thedecisionsofsuch ==}, important authori- - as Sir ee { Lf ESSEL an r A F ICS i " A little Musie,in the Court of A . or tea —_ Glee Wa eome Tudgment.” are of great value, they at least should: not be;lost by being imagen. fectly heard. So, were they arranged as-glées; and sung with deep feeling by the eminent lawyers tae they would have a fair chance of producing a profound dasting imipreaeim. But now the time had arrived for a . [heb Eee SP agake toon dak onan ee aaa ae urri er down dar: : comy uni they had alk, seemingly, many scores of féet beneath the level of the street. Then, when they had reached the lowest level, they found themselves before a door leading to what would have been called in

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ee JanuaRYy 27, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 41 years gone by, ‘‘the deepest dungeon beneath the castle moat,” but which, in these more modern days, would have passed for a very dark kitchen. All entered with a shudder or a sigh. The place was Bar Refreshers. so cold, comfortless, and dismal. And to. what use was this gloomy apartment put? Was it retained for the detention of condemned assassins P No; it was merely the Refreshment Room reserved for the Bar! During the luncheon hour (to quote the Bayswater wag once again) ‘‘ the calls to the Bar”’ were fast and furious. Those at the tables, however, were less demonstrative—preferring “‘ shop” to eating. Of a verity may it be said, ‘‘ When Silk meets Stuff, then comes the tug of bore.”’ THE FANCY DRESS-BALL AT THE MANSION HOUSE. THe Lorp Marx and the Lapy Maress seems to be going it, they do. There ain’t no fear of the grass growing under their feet, how- ever it mite wish to do so in such a werry plezzant place as the Manshun House. Not content with the butiful Children’s finer Calico Ball as they abt about a fortnight ago, and which as I said at the time was the 0 velyest and most beautyfulest site as even I ever seed, they last Fursday asked about a thousand growed up Sk, includin some of i the most distingwished people in the whole City of London and else- wheres, with no restrickshun to Calico, but with no admission unless in Fancy Costume, excep for us Gentlemen in atendance, to come to a grown-up Ball. Ah, that was summat like a Ball that was, and quite a study of carackter to us lookerson. You see when you asks a Gent to dress hisself up in the disguys of some great man of past times, you at ad once finds out who he most admires and riverences and would ha liked to have been. For instance, if you sees a Gent who when he’s at tome is only a Common Tradesman, and when he’s out only a Common Councilman, dress hisself up like some great Ero of old, you knows at once as that man is not a =e his propper destiny, and that he no dout wastes his life a pining and a longing to be a Nero instead of a mere tradesman ora C.C. Then again, if he gos in for looking like one of the lower orders, you at once sees as Nature intended him for sumthink of that low hignorant sort, and for a nydle hour or two he feels quite at his ease, and much more at home than when freckwenting the sosiety of the Bo Mond, such as Sherryfis and Aldermen. And to us Waiters who knows amost all on ’em werry well indeed, and had sumtimes seen ’em in their weaker moments, it was great fun to see ’em strutting about in what was littorally their borrowed plumes, and a trying to look like Statesmen or Poets or Gentlemen of other days, or great Captings, or old For- reners of Distincshun, or even as Feelosophers. But still, for all that, it was a butiful site, plenty of colour, plenty of wariety, plenty of wittles, and plenty of light, the Electric Light, tho’ I hates it with a mortal hatred perfeshonally, making everythink look brighter ever. One thing as struck me and all my Brotheren werry strongly, was the fact that having to support a ¢ ackter as one isn’t used to, and to wear close as one isn’t used to, does seem to have the most extrorniary effect of making everybody dreadful thirsty. I’m sure the constant stream of eros and statesmen and solgers and nobble- men, mingled with some of the rather lower orders, as kept a-comin into my refreshment room, was sumthink wunderful, and one an all, igh and low, seemed all as thirsty as soles. , The Lozp Maze with that nateral desire to add dignerty to the igh office he adorns, surjested to the Lapy Marerss the King and ueen of Dimonds as crackters apropriate to the occashun. But the Lapy Manzss, as I were told by one of her own maids, she says to her loving spowse, says she, “* No, my Lord, there’s somethink as we prizes more than “y | Dimans, and them’s loving Arts, and 80 we’ll be drest up as the King and Queen of Arts.” And so they was, and never yet since fancy Dress Balls was first inwented in Fairy Land was such a magnificent couple seen as they was on last Fursday evening, and Brown acshally said, and it warn’t bad for Brown, that they had made Arts trumps and held all the honours. The sillybrated Mr. Terry the tragedian was there, with his butiful dark brown Squaw as he saved from the tiger in Wirginnia. He had bin a-playing his grate charakter of the Wild Man of the Woods, and hadn’t time to exchange his custumes, so the kind Lapy MARESS} ymeé as you are, and he come. y one Sherryff, which was rayther-a damper on sum but, the principal under Sheryff, Fiel Iooking flaming me sy pel ogo a asual man to get in when no y king rayther shocked sum of us, till we was told as he was a sillybrated Dook in di and then of course we all admired him immensely. He played his to the life and looked as tho’ he had bin born ina Workhus and bread in a Casual Ward. Enews, Waa his rano#., spread, the — that one of = e was a-coming, just is onee, as Mr. wooD, under the ‘semua name of Mr. Mirwoop Tycx’EmupP, but of course it warn’t true. One.or two of the Aldermen was reall rot up splendid, quite like Old Masters, as sumboddy said, tho’ as I didn’t know him myself, I of course couldn’t see the likeness. One in particklar looked so family picture like, that even Sir F. Layton hisself would have allowed to have sum ** Hartistic Merrit.’ I’m afraid as I cannot say quite so much truthfully for all the numerous Common Counselmen, tho’ some of em did look so grand that I reelly ardly knowed ’em. ink sum of ’em might have come more in reel carackters. For instance, I should ha’ liked to have seen the 1st Commisshuner of Sewers as a reel live Scavenger of the time of EpparD THE 3D, the founderer of Butiful Billingsgate. That I should think would have been a reel picture. Then the ener- gettick Chairman of the New City School might have come as JoHN the bag oa of the Founders Company, who preceeded him and Sir JoHN MuNETUN in the same rain, and his Reverence JosErH Hanis might have come as JosrpH Rrenzy, “‘ the last of the Latins.” _ ese would have py a local flavour to the whole thing, just like the introduckshun of a little Turtil Soup at Supper. Brown said as one Gent was meant for WILLIAM TELL, tho’ how he could tell that I’m sure I don’t know, excep that he carried a big Bow and looked werry cross coz sumbody stole his Appel. Another was OLIVER CROMWELL, tho’ praps, judging from his marvellus per- formance at supper, OLIVER CRAMWELL or OLIVER Twist would ha’ been a better name for him. : : There ’s no accounting for taste as the Waiter said when he tasted Zeedont, you never can, but the guys as some on ’em made of their- selves was acaution. Sum of the werry thinnest legged People, with lims like Mr. Invine, seemed to find quite a plezzure in exposing them as much as possible to — gaze, tho’ certainly not to public myrashun. Sir Water Ratty reminded us a good deal of the Grand Old Man, for he kept a gitting of his collar up all the evening and it did make him so wild. But lor bless all their arts it does seem rayther a funny thing for a lot of respectabel grown-up — to 0.60 and dress theirselves up in other peoples’ clothes and try to look like sumbody else. : But it’s all werry emusing, and sends the money a flying about, and serves for a lot of armless gossup for long ears arter its all over, and all on ’em has recovered from the intoxication of the evening and has rewerted with a sy to the sober rayment and the sober enjoy- ments of their ordinary dumdrum life. R OBERT. BOBS AND BADGES. To a correspondence on the important subject of ‘‘ Medals in Evening Dress,”—a combination of the Mili- tary uniform with the Civilian costume— which some Retired Officers have been carry- ing on in the Morning Post, a veteran survivor of the Crimean War contributes the sug- gestion that such officers “‘should wear miniature medals, and those on full pay their original ones.” The propounder of this PPY thought signs himself ‘“‘ An Oxp Licut Bos.” It seems ectly feasible ; though a minia- ture duplicate of a war medal might bear too much the aspect of a medal ; precisely as the denomination of a “Light Bob” suggests the idea of a bad suiting. falking of “ An Old Light Bob,” somebody may say, what Officer would it now be proper New Light Bob 7? Of course the answer is obvious: ‘* A Mounted Bobby.” Cavent Nap-rne.—Pron-Pron has played his cards and showed his hand. It was clearly not one to ‘‘ go Nap” on.

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pe 2 ee ara ge PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 27, 1883, DEPRESSING ! Griggles, ‘‘Hu1tto, Dumptey! WHAT ARE YOU READING? NuMBER OF THE LANcET? PuT IT DOWN, AND COME AND HAVE A GAME 0’ PyRamips !” THE LAY OF THE ICHTHYOPHAGIST. @ (The first of a series of Meetings, which it is proposed to hold throughout the Metropolis for the puree of calling attention to the operations of the “ Billingsgate Ring,”’ took place last week in Clerkenwell. ] ’Tis surely too bad there’s no fish to be had, or in delicate slices, F In all London town though you roam up and down, That’s not sold at terrible prices. _ We know fish is good, ’tis most exquisite food, Assisting the brains of bread-winners And yet it’s so dear it’s too painfully clear, The poor can’t afford it at dinners. You wish for the whole of a freshly fried sole, Red mullet we know is inviting, There’s joy in crimp’d skate, as all gourmets can state, And excellent flesh on a whiting. We’d feel very odd if deprived of our cod, Spring dinners would surel mon Without the sweet fish, that is pink as the-dish, The grand, unapproachable salmon. I’ve oft in a dream seen the pleasant sea-bream, The lobster is gay in apparel, I honour the crab, and the prawn, and the dab, And apne that come in a barrel. The haddock and plaice bring a smile to my face, And whitebait a careful cook sprinkles With flour ; e’en the eel a fresh jwy will reveal ; And oh! Iam ‘‘nuts” upon winkles! Then ** Down,” let us sing, “‘with the Billingsgate ing! That con ll fish too dear to be eaten. Let markets abound, so one day ’twill be found These rascally salesmen are beaten. Hold meetings and spout till reform comes about, Keep up a ne’er-ending commotion, Till many cheap fish shine one day on the dish— The harvest that comes from the ocean ! *CHRISTMAS NAPOLEON POUR RIRE!! La République loquitur :— Ha, ha! Imposing pose! Travesty quaint! Pron-Pion, mon p'’tit, whatever are you after ? Ho, ho! La France languit! If France feels faint, Tis with the effort of , ag meer laughter. But come, you must not play heroic pranks, Like a tragedian with the blade and cup. A nuisance, worthy, not of bonds, but—spanks. Shut up! Your masquing as the Corsican is queer As that of a political Tom Thumb. You are but a NaPoLEon pour rire ; What do you, Pron-Pion, in this galley? Come! Your ‘* Manifesto” will not raise a scare ; Tis a mere popgun, Pton-Pton, not a Krupp. And as for that cocked hat of yours, why—there ! [ Bonnets him. Shut up! SHORT COMMONS. WE have very little Common-Sense, and equally little Common Honesty, and this year will probably see the last of our Common- Lands, The few yards of unappropriated e: which have been left to us in the heart or in the ou of our great towns are all marked, tabulated, and deposited in the shape of railway, building, or sea- ewe in the pigeon-holes of Parliamentary Agents. The chance of getting som for nothing—something which, belonging to everybody, is often defended by nobody—is too tempt- ing for the Macaires, Diddlers, Turpins, and Sheppards of the architectural and engineering profession, — ‘* Rattle your bones over your stones, We’ve taken your Commons which nobody owns.” Tramways and railways to Hampstead Heath, railways through Wimbledon, like the sweet things through Wandsworth, Sdienee to High Beach ;—these, and a hundred similar schemes, are hatching to complete the work begun years ago by the aristocratic squatter. The Lords of Bad Manners sometimes congratulate themselves that Parliament throws no obstacle in the way of public robbery, by having no Standing Orders to prevent the promoters of Private (and Confidential) Bills from compulsorily uiring Common-Lands, which ‘‘ are much cheaper than enclosed land.” We refer all persons who are interested in these questions—that is, nearly the whole population—to the Commons Preservation Society, 6, Lincoln’s Inn Fields, and we ask its energetic Secretary, Mr. Percival Birkett, to — his eye on the Ecclesiastical Commis- sioners. These gentlemen have been asked to give up nine out of twenty acres of Lambeth Palace Grounds for the benefit of a = and crowded neighbourhood, and it remains to be seen whether they will comply with this reasonable and proper pec ee This governing y is large and mixed, comprising two Archbishops, twenty-eight Bishops, five Cabinet Ministers, ee Judges, three Deans, and twelve Laymen, but when it is a question of giving to the poor, and consequently doing what is manifestly right, even such an unwieldy Committee as this ought to be prompt and unanimous. ‘‘The True Position of Parties.’ By a Troubled Tory. Tur Standard and the Quarterly contend Upon this subject, but to what clear end ? My own position is a giddy-valse one, Vertigo seizes me, my brain’s confusion. And I can only come to one conclusi Our Party’s ‘‘ true position” is—a false one! Mrs. RamsporHam finds the two Mewses at the back of her house in Bloomsbury a great nuisance, and how the Ancients to endure Nine of them she cannot imagine ! a upeenzes TrrLE FoR AN Eminent TEETOTALLER.—Party per av.

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1 | “ull li i Ht ) i | P| | WN SSS fon ae “SWAIN Se NAPOLEON POUR RIRE!! France. “AH! HOW YOU ARE STUPID! VOILA!!” (Bonnets him.) Hy I) IY tI ?

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le ea! amnesia

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January 27, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MUCH BETTER! Dr. Dufferin (to his Egyptian Patient). ‘*‘ Here, My ‘ INTERESTING’ CoNVALES- CENT, YOU WILL FIND THIS SMALL STAFF MORE SERVIOCEABLE TO THOSE OLD CrauToHEs!” JOHN TO JOHN. Arr—‘“ My Old Friend John.” “Mr, Joun Rusktn has been again elected Slade Professor at Oxford.”’ Tis forty years, our old friend Joux, Since your first work we read ; Foraging midst your noble tomes What ppy, happy hours have sped ! With you we ’ve scaled the mountain side, And pulled the purple heather ; Methinks it seems but yesterday Since we first met together. Since we as boys First knew the joys Of Ruskinese together. Methinks it seems but yesterday Since we first met together. There ’s pleasure in remembrance, JoHN, As eloquent, as true Are j' uu as in the spring of life, When first you wrote and drew. We miss some glowing rhetoric, You ’ve tightened trope’s gay tether ; But fancy decks your periods still, As when we met together. When we, as boys, First tried the joys Of Ruskinese together. Methinks you seem as golden-tongued As when we met together. Farewell not yet we ll bid you, Jonn ; You say your prime is o’er ; But he who Modern Painters penned, Will write, and charm, much more. Art owes you more than to the herd Of prigs who cant and blether ; We honour you as in the days When we first met together. hen we as boys First tried the joys, Of Ruskinese together. Through many sunny years, friend Joxn, YOU THAN : May we yet live together ! HINTS FROM THE HINDOO. Tue ‘‘ Indian Contingent” which visited England last year seem to have enjoyed themselves thoroughly, judging from the letter published in a “local journal” from one of the Officers, whose simple surprise at all that he saw is quite touching. As the Contingent considered the Crystal Palace to be ‘‘the finest building in London,” and “ better than Windsor Castle or Westminster Abbey,” and as they remark that the Franco-German War Panorama at Sydenham, is ‘‘ the finest — in London,” we are bound to conclude that somebody must ve been playing practical jokes on these decidedly childlike guests from India’s coral strand, when they were sojourning in our midst. Will the next batch of distinguished foreign visitors report to their “local journals ” as follows ?— ., We Redskin braves were delighted to visit England. Were told it was the home of Freedom and Fire- Water, and we all like Fire- Water. Immediately on landing at Dover we found such a nice Gentleman waiting to conduct us everywhere. He asked us how much money we had about us, and said he would take care of it for us, and took us to a hotel in London, which he said was the largest in the World. But we did not think it so very large, and the rain came through the roof into the little room, and the floor on which we all slept was rather hard. The Nice Gentleman said he was the Representative of the ‘‘ Universal Grand Press and Telegraphic Bureau,” and we should see the QuEEN, and the Prime MInIsTER, and Newgate, and all the finest buildings in London. One day we visited the Houses of Parliament. We wondered why ere were so many people lying in little beds arranged all along the walls. The Nice Gentleman said that there been an “‘ all-night sitting,” and Members were always ill after that. In one room which we noticed was called the ‘‘ Accidents’ Ward,” the House of was assembled. At least so the Nice Gentleman said ; but we were surprised to find so many with their arms bandaged, or their legs slung by bands from the ceiling. The Nice Gentleman told us t there had been a “‘ slight disagreement between the Two Houses, | him taken, and other trifling juries among their Lordships.” We asked why a man with a case of instruments made one of the noblemen wince so, and we were told that it was “‘ only the Cléture being — for the first time.” We had heard of the Cléture, but did not know it was like this. We should not like to have the Cléture applied to us. After leaving the House, we were introduced to Mr. GLADSTONE and Lord GRANVILLE, who seemed quite pleased to take us into a ron little house, where we all had a good deal of fire-water together. When we went down to Windsor to see the QuEEN, Her Majesty was indisposed, and could not receive us, at which we wept bitterly. However, we admired the Castle very much. The Nice Gentleman told us it had been the home of the Kings and Queens of England ever since the Flood, and we believed him, because we saw the Flood quite plainly from the top of the ‘‘ Round Tower.” Another day the Nice Gentleman told us he would take us to the Maze at Hampton Court. None of us knew about Hampton Court, or what a Maze meant. We were pleased to see such a fine new building in the Strand, and to know that this was Hampton Court Palace. There were men with red_and blue bags, and curious white things on their heads, which the Nice Gentleman said were called barristers’ wigs; he said that the reason why the hair was white was because it was the hair of their rent uncles, which these men had “‘ raised,” and were punished by being obliged to wear it always afterwards. But we should not think an of scalping a a uncle. The itself was very clever. The Nice Gentleman z us in one corner of the building, called ‘the Chancery Offices,” and there left us to find the way out. He said this was always what was done with visitors, and we tried it; but it took us three hours to get out, so we did not enjoy ourselves, we were taken up several times by Policemen, who did not seem to understand the occupation we were en in. Still, we consider it to be Number One Maze in the World. Subsequently the Nice Gentleman telegraphed ‘‘ he thought we should be amazed,”’ and so we were. We have not seen im since—nor our money ! and then there were always a few +"

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me PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 27, 1883, “LES MALADES MALGRE EUX.” (On the Shores of the Mediterranean.) es ‘a ao." Pee ‘ \ . if YO: ~~ ‘ way 7 2D | >\\ LL ¢ Fri! a hh eae — Js a iw) ~ Te —AN “VEN &. j PRESENT— Two Political Exiles of Importance. |yes. By this time I hoped to have fared once more due North, First Exile. Well, 1 little thought to meet you here. ’Tis a far | and there to have smashed, pounded, pulverised——(Pauses.) Ah! ery from Midlothian to—Monaco. well—there are compensations. Second Exile (with a sigh half sorrowful, half sybaritic), Indeed, [Draws a deep breath of Southern air with great gusto. ‘aN Sax -

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January 27, 1883.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —_—— First Exile. Yos,— “ Doth not a meeting like this make amends” for—losing the chance of carrying the fiery cross through the frosts of a Scotch winter ? Second Exile (meditatively). Ah !— “ Dark and true and tender is the North.” And but for Crarx’s tyranny and the gentle urgings of—ahem! Still ‘‘ the palms and temples of the South” come pleasantly after Parliament Street in mid-winter. First Exile. The emancipated slaves of St. Stephens’ seem all like the swallow to be “‘ flying, flying South.” I, CurtpERs, CHURCHILL, and now even you, the steel- nerved Titan, fire-proof, water-proof, weather-proof, and sword-proof—— : Second Exile (blandly.) By the way, is that Lord RaNDOLPH yonder ? . First Exile (starting and upsetting his glass). By all the gnats ef AnistopHanEs, I hope no—ah!—— (Greatly relieved.) He does not see us—he—I—ah—— [Refills his glass. Second Exile. Poor fellow! Like ourselves, he is malade malgré lui! Here’s his health—and yours, Sir Srar- FORD ! Glug-glug-glug ad. lib. First Exile. Regular Lotos-land this, eh ? Second Ezile. Quite so. A place where,— ‘* Propt on beds of amaranth and moly,” the “dormant talent” of Neo-Conservatism might have a good time of it—till the new monthly Magazine chall = them to the virile and vigilant labours of 8808. irst Exile. Humph! Perhaps the crimson amaranth beds might have less charm for them than the board of green cloth yonder. : Second Exile. Yes. ‘‘ An Eden of bland repose” is not eed the ideal of the modern golden youth— political or otherwise. Pigg? . First Ezile (slily). Astonishing is it not when their Nestor-like seniors set them so fine an example of obedi- ence to the “‘rest and be thankful” doctrine ? Second Exile. Well, we are resting now, and I at least am thankful. Although if ANDREW and my—— First Exile. Hush! Who shall decide when Doctors don’t disagree? Perhaps, in the grim grind of modern political life, the Grantully Castle and the Pandora, the stimulating seas of the North and the sunny shores of the South may play as important a part as—Fort- nightly homilies or Quarterly jeremiads. Besides, here you will be able to brush up that Italian of which you ‘have lost the use.” Ha! ha! Second Exile (gravely). Ah! I wonder what the great Florentine would have thought of the scene over yonder ? First Exile. Well, ’tis scarcely characterised by Dantesque severity, though Dantr’s illustrator—Dori— might make something of it. Astonishing sight! Shall we take a turn round the tables ? Second Exile. If you please—as spectators purely. First Exile, Oh, of course, of course. A PROCLAMATION. Ou yes! oh yes! Lost, stolen, or strayed. A Sun! Like a schoolboy the wag he played, t r= the rain. Anyhow, we have im, For several weeks from the chilled Solar System. No one can be sure how or when he sloped from it, Some think he is off on the spree with the Comet, But no one can certainly tell us at all, What has become of our mighty red ball; Whether a ‘‘ spot ’-stroke has left him in pocket, Or whether he’s just busted up like a rocket. Anyone who will the truant restore Unto this disconsolate planet once more, Shall receive—well, a glad invitation to lunch At 85, Fleet Street!!! By Order (Signed) PUNCH. “* Arter all,” said Mrs. ee gg ‘there ’s nothing like Sir Water Scort for novels. I ink his Tallyman one of the best romances I ever read.” * INGRATITUDE AND HYPOCRISY. Jones (brightening up in spite of himself). ‘‘ConrounD THE Bett Cask ! WE NEVER TO HAVE AN END OF IT?” Brown (ditto), ‘‘UeH! 1r’s POSITIVELY SICKENING !"’ [Both read all about it, however, to the caclusion of everything else, and talk about nothing else all day. ARE MORE LIGHT! Str,—In reply to the carefully considered letter of your correspondent» ‘“‘A GropeR IN THE Dark,” dealing with the respective merits of Gas and Electricity for pur of domestic illumination, and strongly advocating the employment of the latter wherever practicable, I can only say that my experience has led me to a very different conclusion. My country-house is a large one, and I was recently induced by a scientific friend, who is largely interested in the success of a recent patent, but whose judgment in the matter I had no reason to doubt, to ge the new agent a fair trial. Contracts were speedily entered into with the Dynamo-rotating Duplex Incandescent Electric Insulator Company (PottikorF System), with the result that, at a cost of £7314 16s. 5d., my pre- mises were soon supplied with the requisite number of lights, of 190 candle- power each, the whole being fed by sixteen powerful dynamo-machines, situated in various parts of the building, and driven by a three-hundred-horse-power central-engine, attended day and night by a couple of stokers, and placed in a conspicuous position in the entrance-hall. But here our comforts may be said to have ended. Though I have BrxEr’s patent Life Saving Switch attached to every burner, and a capital appliance by which the current can be diverted at a moment’s notice, no less than three friends who were spending the Christmas with us, received such appalling shocks and other severe injuries, when incautiously admiring the extreme in —- of the apparatus as they were dressing for dinner, that I have since heard from their Solicitors that they can never recover. Add to this, that the continuous shaking of the engine is rapidly bringing the staircase down, and that, owing to the red-heating of the wires, carefully cased by ZERINGER’s process in thc wood-work of the floors, we are obliged to telegraph to Bolsover for the entire fire brigade whenever we sit down more than six to dinner, and you can picture the sort of life the new agent is leading us. Only the other a country gentleman, calling to wis mistake on a small Groove batte pouee moment I am being charg my wife’s uncle, a cheery and hale old us the compliments of the season, sat by , and went out of his mind; while at the with the maintenance of a coachman, three utlers, and a local piano-tuner, all ——— paralysed, in the General and County Incurable Asylum. Under the circumstances I have no hesitation in giving my preference to gas. I am, Sir, your obedient Servant, Shockwell Hall, Hants. W. T. Stomserr.

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48 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 27, 1883, Sre,—Your Correspondent, ‘‘A Wapprine Rector,’ may soon assure himself of the purity of the gas supplied to him by the Com- any to which he refers. Let him take five pounds of acetate of arytes, a peck of common tar-ash, three ounces of hyperphosphate of dynamite (Boxt’s isthe best), and mix the whole in a twenty- gallon copper over @ brisk coke-fire, taking care not to stir too rapidly for fear of an explosion. When the mixture, which has a peculiarly pungent and unpleasant smell, comes to the boil, let all the furniture of the room to be tested, which has previously had the door fastened securely with cobbler’s-wax, be thoroughly saturated : window-curtains, blinds, and anti-macassars being hung in dripping condition. Now let him light his gas. If in a few moments the whole of his drawing-room suite becomes a rich streaky mottled brown-black, he may rest assured that the gasis pure. This is an infallible test. I am, Sir, yours, &e. AESCULAPIUS. Str,—I have the misfortune to rent a house in a suburb, the supply of gas to which is a eoteey in the hands of the South-Northern District Light and Coal Company. I have not been in residence three months, but every ceiling in my house is coal-black, while the apology for light, for which I am paying at the rate of seven shil- lings and ninepence per thousand cubic feet, is furnished me in the shape of a dull, yellow, flickering, mephitic vapour that I am assured by experts is slowly poisoning my entire household. No sooner do we let the Company’s deadly compound loose on us through the meter than I am invariably seized with acute syupteme of apo- plectic coma, terminating in a fit, that is only relieved when I am placed horizontally outside my own drawing-room balcony, and left there for hours in the dark. In this uncertain weather, such an alternative is almost intolerable, and I appeal to your powerfal pen to help me. I am, Sir, your obedient servant, Aw Etecrric SHAREHOLDER. Sir,—‘' A SurrERER” is quite in error in attributing the “‘ beat- ing sensation as of red-hot hammers on the temples” as experienced by himself and the ‘‘ few friends’’ who dined with him on the 10th inst., to the quality of the gas. Any scientific acquaintance could have informed him that common coal-gas in combustion, giving off freely(bi-sulphuret of carbon and the volatile acids in high solution, would naturally produce the sudden copper-coloured hue he noticed in the complexion of his guests. Such a phenomenon is perfectly compatible with an illumi- nating medium that may be regarded, from a sanitary point of view, as quite innocuous, and to direct public attention to the fact merely shows that he is ignorant of the very first principles of sound Chemical Science. The alleged violent nightly choking of the baby on the nursery-floor I really cannot seriously discuss. The merest novice knows that hydro-carbonate of sulphur, liberated in excess, will induce all the symptoms of violent strangulation, accompanied by acute asphyxia. I have the honour to be, Sir, your obedient servant, THe CHAIRMAN OF THE ImpLicaTED CoMPANY. Sre,—If£ any of your readers has still a doubt as to the immense superiority of electricity over gas as a lighting and heating agent he has only to visit my premises to satisfy himself once and for all on the subject. For years I have been trying to read by gaslight, in a deadly stupor; dull, morose, disheartened, a burthen to myself, and an intolerable cause of discomfort to my friends. Last month, however, I was persuaded to give the new light a trial. The chan has been wonderful. I am now all over the place. I skip up the stairs. I play practical jokes on the tradesmen who call for orders at the adjacent houses; and I find myself sitting up the whole night in the wildest spirits, singing comic songs out of the first-floor window till the police positively interfere. Several summonses have already been taken out against me. In fact, [ am an altered man. You are at liberty to make any use you like of this letter. Yours, &c., An Honest Entuvsrast. Sm,—Having used gas for many years with the result that I have for some time past been practically without lungs, I last month, at the advice of a friend, fell back upon electricity. I now have no eyes, and am confined by my Doctor to reading theatrical posters through red spectacles, and these only by moonlight. As far, there- fore, as the merits of the respective illuminating media are concerned, my attitude is at present that of A Parrent Inquirer. RIFLE AND BORE. By accounts from Vienna we learn that a certain Herr MANNLICHER has invented a new repeating-rifle which he calls a ‘‘ Magazine Gun.” The repetition in that Magazine appears to be quite a terrible kind of tautology. VINDICATING THE LAW. Tur far too numerous Licensing Authorities who are entrusted with the Government of London Amusements, are playing a not very dignified game of shuttlecock with Theatrical property. ‘Their object appears to be to toss official responsibility from one to the other, so that, in the event of any catastrophe, it will be diffi- cult to hang the Lorp CaamBerLarn, the Chief of the Police, or the Chairman of the Board of Works. The Alcazar Theatre, after a fight of several weeks, has been closed by a Bow-Street Magis- trate, who has been set in motion by the Home-Office. The Board of Works have deliberated, as only a Board can deliberate, the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN has hesitated, as only a Lord Cham- berlain, without funds to prosecute, ean hesitate, and the Police have —- declined to use the authority given to them by an Act of Parliament. The “‘ disorderly house ” has at last been closed, but not before a public scandal has been created ; and a number of people are thrown out of employment who ought never to have been omenaees, and a quantity of capital is wasted that ought never to have been cxnendel. How long are we to wait for a Licensing System that is short, sharp, and well- defined, and that is in the hands of one man who knows his own mind, respects public-requirements, and has some knowledge of Theatrical business? For the moment Justice is asleep! BACK TO THE PLAY. WHEN no longer you’re a rover o’er those horrid Straits of Dover, When you ’ve settled all the business that’s gone wrong while you re away On your wanderings Continental, when you’ve paid the quarter’s rental, You bethink yourself of seeing what they ’re doing at the Play. The Lyceum has a Benedick that draws a pretty penny, The accessories are splendid as accessories can be ; While, as Beatrice, Miss Terry we call fascinating very, And Miss Mrztwarp as young Hero is a pleasant sight to see. At the Haymarket a comedy shows Bancrort as a “‘ gommy,” They have given one more revival of the Robertsonian plays. Mrs. B. again is Polly, so hilarious and jolly, And with Davin James and BrooxFieLp, Caste should run for many days. There’s : HARLES READE and Henry Pettitt bid for cheap applause, and get it, For the ‘‘ Gods” have loved sensation since the Drama’s earliest age; Or you visit the Princess’s, where the pleased spectator blesses Jones and Herman for a sound play that’s a credit to the Stage. There ’s a Pantomime at Drury Lane, late full of sound and fury, And ’tis pleasant to see children think the Play so sweet a boon; At the Standard, too, and Surrey there is Pantomimic hurry, With the old Pantaloon. At the Globe we’ll hope Jane Eyre a most decided avis rara, They have given up Great ALFRED and have gone to Mister WILLS ; And since all folks knew the Poet was in ne’er a sense a ‘‘ go,” it Seems they ’ve made a resolution just in time to change their bills. time-honoured ‘‘wheezes” for the Clown and We have Impulse at St. James’s; where, amid the playbill names, is That of Hare, one asks in wonder, but the piece is very fair, While in Comrades Cocatan’s utter firm repose sets in a flutter, Many hearts within the theatre that borders on Sloane Square. At the Gaiety each stanza of the new Extravaganza, = Wins much laughter and folks crowd in to Joun’s histrioniec shop ; At the Vaudeville Zhe Rivals seems the best of all revivals, And you see in Mrs. CarpPpENDALE an able Malaprop. The Criterion Miss ere deserves the cheers she gets ; I Can advise the Op’ra Comique and the troupe of Lina Cray ; So the list might be extended, but ’tis time our verse was ended, Choose your piece and call a Hansom, and then roll off to the Play! Mem. on ‘* Memonrats.””—They who have done anything that will perpetuate their memories don’t want any; and they that have done nothing oughtn’t to have any. € > TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS8., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders.

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Frsruary 3, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL.

OUR AGREEABLE BIRTHDAY-BOOK SERIES.—No. 2. THACKERAY. [Method of using this :—The Motto to face page with dates where your Friends will inscribe their names. The Motto not to be shown till the signature is complete. }

FEsprvary 1, | Having a good — genius, and a heart not unkindly, he had FEBRUARY 2, these quali-| A Scotch snob— ties in such an| thanwhich the world irable man-| contains no more ner as to be at, offensive creature. twenty utterly; Pesavarr 27. ruined in purse and principle— an idler, a spendthrift, and a glutton. FEBRUARY 28. FEBRUARY 4, left after more than seventy years of cun- ning, and struggling, and ing, andscheming, and sin and ess— a whim: FEBRUARY 3. He is wild and unsettled, and I fear he is going to the bad a little, FEBRUARY 26, - ing old idiot put in and out of bed, and cleaned and fed like a baby. FEBRUARY 25.

FEBRUARY 5. About your most common piece < hypo- crisy, how men will blush and ¢4/ bungle : —how | easil gracefully,how eee women will perform it. FEBRUARY 24, FEBRUARY 6, Somewhat of a and not a || wearisome with FEBRUARY 23,

A wy Fitts pompous and | A FEBRUARY 8, That selfish humbug, that low-br cock- ney dandy, that panied by, who had neither wit, nor man- ners, nor heart. FEBRUARY 7. Dashder fool never lived! ed old salm - singin a plundering old i woman, Le FEBRUARY 22.

Fes. 10. She had her x» faults, and | many of ’em. FEBRUARY 9, He was a coarse man from the Stock Exchange, where they love all sorts of practical jokes. FEBRUARY 20, FEBRUARY 19.

Fes, 11. A good fel- a ~ = el- coat aad his wife — his wife exactly suits him. Fesrvary 18, FEBRUARY 12. What will a man not do when frantic with love ? To what base- ness will he not demean himself ? Fesrvary 17.

Fresrvaky 13. It is manifest that brown eyes will remain brown eyes to the end, and that, having no = other interest but music or geology, her conversation on pe those points may grow more than sufiicient. your dotage.

FEBRUARY 14, You silly old creature; you are good-natured, but you are in Feprvary 15. Oh, for shame! Oh, for shame! (a Go home, thou idle tippler! ih FEBRUARY 29. Leap Year. Fesrvary 16, Her figure was rather of the fattest, and her BA ae ae 4 the Th, Wore Widest; she was y\ Wns freckled over like MAY *partridge’s egg, [\t 7 iy and her hair was ™ the colour of a Seen wastes Ww we eat with boiled beef, to use the mildest term. . ie BSK

The French Claim to ‘‘ Control.” FRrenca journalists and politicians express great indignation at the refusal of the British Government to re-establish the Dual Control in Egypt. In the meanwhile it seems likely to become an European question, with regard to a country existing with a Govern- ment and a Legislature at sixes-and-sevens, in a condition of continu- ally recurring revolution, what sort of control—dual, single, or plural—it may be possible to place France under ?

ScrenTiFIc AND LiTERARY.—Can a treatise on optics be considered “light reading ?”

APPROPRIATE.—It is waguented that the electric pen should be called ‘‘ The pen of the ready Reuter!”

I, I, Sir! (A New Adaptation of Very Old Doggerel.) THERE was a Social Journalist who thought that he’d be wise, He went Rt 3 his “smart article,” and scratched out all his 8 But when he saw his ‘“‘I’s” were out, this egotist so vain, Went straight through that ‘‘ smart article,” and scratched them in again.

_ WHEN Mrs. RamsnorHam was told about the frightful increase of intemperance amongst the lower orders (no one told her anything about the upper classes), she said it reminded her of the old proverb, ‘* Distilled waters run deep.”

VOL, LXXXIv.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL TWO QUEENS OF BEAUTY.—APHRODITE—ALEXANDRA. « As3d OR AWW eave MAL. YasMrd Venus loguitur :— As Queen to Queen—of Beauty, I am come, Heart-Sovereign of your northern island home, Lipped, like my Paphos, by the whitening foam. Thanks-bearer to that io royal heart, Which knows right well that Beauty’s better part Is still to deal the balm, not wing the dart. Thanks-bearer! ’Tis an office gladly borne By her who ruled in the earth’s radiant morn, ich she who ruleth now need scarcely scorn. Lady, you ’ve bettered Lespra. All her crying ‘0 not again set one dead sparrow fi , Your word shall save a pro tg birds dela ying. The ‘* Tournaments of Doves” have shamed pent isle, And isle-born Venus thanks you without guile, Who will not crown such lists with your bright smile. Let them their Queen of Beauty rather seek Mid such hard dames as sat, with unblanched cheek, What time Rome’s lists with guiltless blood would reek. My favourite birds in red-flecked heaps they lay,— Your English chivalry! Brave quarry, they,— ‘* Butchered to make a British holiday.” Not in your sight! The grave rebuke is just. Let Sport—and lucre—sway them, if they must, To wanton slaughter. Yet not long, I trust. [Fesruary 3, 1883.

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Fesruary 3, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL The Queen of Beauty’s frown must thin their ranks, Check Sport’s hard greed, and Fashion’s heartless pranks ; And Venus—and her doves—tender you thanks. EXPELLED PRETENDERS. The Orleans at Twickenham. Back again, but it isn’t exile to us; and, at % | rate, we have those restored millions in our pockets. It was rather a nuisance to give up Paris in the winter season, and not see an Opera ball, and the Princesses would have liked to have had the imeur of the Spring bonnets. But, after ull, Twicken- foes in winter mud is not unutterably worse than Chantilly, and there are beginning to really pre- sentable bonnets even in London. Besides, as my faithful BoscHET points out, we are far better situated here for conspiring, since they will have it that we are conspira- tors. No more military duties to occupy us; no more worldly duties and pleasures to divert us from politics ; no more idea of duty to the Government we serve (and there are Princes who have the idea, whatever RocHE- FORT, who was once Orleanist, may say); we shall have all our time and all our money to spend in undermining the Republic. And having sent them into safety, that clever Republic can’t catch the underminers. The Legitimists at Gratz, or Frohsdorff. The idea of exiling us! Why, we have never been anything else save exiles ough our illustrious lives! But now, thanks to the aureola of martyrdom officially bestowed, there is really a chance of our going back. For the beautiful new law doesn’t exile the servants—it only expels the responsible heads; and the further the respon- sible heads are from the centre of operations, the less likely they are to lose them, and the more likely to have them crowned. Have sent orders, in consequence, to CuakeTTE. He can go a-head as soon as he likes now. We are out of danger, and the Breton loyalists can’t complain that we are id to come amongst them. The Republic has denied us that sovereign glory; and if it would only prohibit us sending cheques an Post-Office orders to devoted but impecunious supporters in France, we might manage one of the cheapest and safest Restora- tions yet on record. HEARD IN MiD-ATLANTIC. The Bishop (severely). ‘‘ WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, MY YOUNG FRIEND, IT WAS The Bonapartes at Montaclieri. Out of prison, at any | NOT constpERED Goop Manners FoR LITTLE Boys TO JOIN IN THE CONVERSA- rate, and now we can employ our native Italian cunning | TION or GrowN-UP PROPLE, UNLESS THEY WERE INVITED 10 DO 80.” in our native Italian clime. It was difficult to keep a Small American, ‘“‘GuEss THAT WAS SEVENTY oR Ercuty YEARS AGO. salon about us in France, what with that horrid CassaGNac| We ’vz CHANGED ALL THAT, YOU BET!” and Victor, who won’t rush into the paternal arms with anything like enthusiasm. Now, we can conquer an ally —and an ally who wouldn’t at all mind doing something disagreeable to France ; and I begin to think that bring- ing a Bonaparte back would strike France as rather disagreeable. Don’t seem to be rising at all to the Légende Napoléonienne as annotated by JEnomE. So, am beginning to sound brother-in-law Humbert with regard to a loan and army, and if he makes it a condition that we are reconciled with CLoTrILDE—well, we’ll even go that far— until we can get as far as Paris. A LETTER TO THE EDITOR. (More Real than Ideal.) My pgEar Sr, WE intend holding a Fancy Bazaar here on March 19th, for the pores of obtaining funds towards the restoration of the church-tower. 1 am not aware whether you have ever visited our town, but if so, you must remember the church. It is a square building, of brick, with large and spacious galleries, and is reve- rently whitewashed every year—indeed, it is a perfect specimen of Georgian architecture. Now, success would assured if you would send down a Reporter and an Artist to describe and sketch our meritorious efforts. Would that my husband’s house were capable of enter- taining them, but it is very small. However, I am told there is very fair accommodation for those who do not mind roughing it, at the ‘‘Railway Arms.” Please say “Yes.” And any subscriptions you would like to forward, will be thankfully received by a Yours Loong Vicarage, Ponty-Clumchw, TITIA BEGIN, North Wales. NOT DEAD YET! Hooray! English cricket is still ‘‘all alive oh!” We thank you for proving that same, Captain Ivo! Played out? Many prigs to that tune, I confess, lie; But, faith, youd convict ’em of ** bangs,” dashing Lestre. Or, if you should want eng gy why I’ll trouble you, A clearer to read than Reap, W. W. The opposite gute will be shown, ‘‘clear as mud,” If you'll study the deeds of the two brothers Strupp. And what jolly duffers the croakers will feel, When they tot up your tidy analysis, Srret, Ah, bah! They will turn, in a very short while, coat, At sight of the right slashing scoring of TyLrcorr, And drop the ass-hoof that old England would spurn, on Perusing the record of resolute VERNON. Not init? Get out with your ne ary yarns, There’s lots of sound ‘‘ thrashing” yet left in our BaRnzs ; And though he mayn’t slog ’em from Cookham to Marlow, Like Bonnok or THoRNTON, there’s “stay” in our BanLow; Whilst better than casual sixes or eights Are the steadily-piled threes and fours of smart Barzs ; And though, like his Captain, he ’s been a bit poorly, Australians will oft cut their ‘‘ sticks” before MorLEy. Here’s his jolly good health! health and luck to the lot of ’em! And as for the croakers who talked so much “‘ rot” of ’em When down on their luck, but are now mute as fishes, The team can dispense with their doubtful good wishes. The Captain might boast, Ivo Brien, “I’ve obliged ’em To ‘ shut,’ and, as Satrey would say, have ‘ surpriged’ em.” You have, Sir, and we to your pluck, grace, and skill owe That we o’er ‘‘ the Willow” no more need sing ‘‘ Willow!” How to Treat Roven Dramonps.—Cut them!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fzprvary 3, 1883, Wn AMT | iit Psa Mm A RISING JUNIOR. Old Lady (at the Law Courts). *‘ CouLD you KINDLY Direct ms, Sir, TO——” Young Briefless. ‘* My DEAR Mapam, I’M A PEPYEcT STRANGER MYSELF— DON’T THINK I ’VE BEEN IN A COURT FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS!” GUSTAVE DORE. A wortp of wild invention onlinly Struck from the golden galaxy of Art! There Titan phantasy toiled at tasks to try, 2 - apne pt dreams. b — and chart, ose gultfs of vision grandiose grim, Were work beyond the timid souls who coast Safe shores of commonplace, whom wizard WHIM, Lured never to wild water-wastes ; whose boast, Is est loyalty to the dull round f their pedestrian plodder, misnamed Truth,— The meagre marionette in whom is found, Nor manhood’s fiery force nor grace of youth. Dorf is dead! Scarce early, for the days Of the creator are not measured quite By custom’s clock ; yet all too soon the rays _ Fade from his world, where almost every light, Save the slow-growing gleam of Beauty, shone. Duller at least our world that his wild world is gone. ‘*O Freedom, what Strange Things are done in thy Name!”’ Tue Needlemakers’ Gueey have presented the free- dom of their Guild to the Duke of Trcx, in recognition of “‘the important services he rendered during the Egyptian War.” Very nice of the Needlemakers, of course, but—where is the connection? It is to be hoped the Company’s needles have more point than their com- liments. If they had presented the Duke with a LEOPATRA’S Needle, now, fancy might have found some meaning in the gift. As it is, it seems about as appro- priate—and doubtless as weleome—as presenting a de- serving postman with a packet of pins. Cold Comfort. Waar! Outinthe cold? CleverGoscnzen? Not he! He’s simply ‘‘ dissembling his love” is J. G. But W. G., plagued ’twixt Tewrrk and Ditioy, | Would like something warmer than love with the chill on. He 4 aed ies ’em down-stairs, his dear friends, yet they oubt ; a pe ‘out in the cold,’ he appears ‘‘ cold with- out. ART TOO MUCH AT HOME. “Tf friends and visitors are not entitled to the diversion of tracing the cha- racter of their hosts in the tables and sofas they have lived up to and beyond, at least to themselves nothing can be more instructive than the sermons which discarded goods mutter from their melancholy lumber-room.”— Morning Paper. ScenE—Intertor of Mr. and Mrs. PLANTAGENET DE SMYTHE’S pala- tial drawing-room in their magnificent Mansion at South Ken- sington. A party of Visitors have been just ushered in by a = Sootman, and are waiting the appearance of their , Be and hostess. Lady de Snookyns (seating herself in an arm-chair). Quite new people these, but your father insisted that we should call upon them, my dears, Papa said that he believed Mr. De SmytHeE had some property in our part of the country, and that it was best to conciliate all possible constituents. So, let us take stock of them before they come down. So begin, dears, at once, your tour of inspection. an ide Snookyns, Oh, Mamma, here is a photograph of Eton ege ! Lady de Snookyns. Evidently sent a son there ! Miss Mary. And a coat-of-arms of Lincoln’s-Inn. Lady de Snookyns. Got a boy at the Bar. _Miss Blanche. And, oh, Mamma, dear, here is such a sweet picture of the late Archbishop. Lady de Snookyns. Another son in the Church. Miss Emily. And look, Mamma, here is a picture of a charge of cavalry. Lady de Snookyns. Aladin the Army. Dearme! Th t be — to the goatee ! A bad pole ! my Seren a de Snookyns. And, Mamma, such a beautiful Japanese Lady de Snookyns, Rather new! Hem! Must have taken the house ready furnished for them ! Miss Emily, And look at this strange-shaped sofa ! “your fath Lady de Snookyns. New in Oxford Street, but old in Spain! They have evidently never travelled abroad ! Miss Blanche. And oh, Mamma, isn’t this sweet? Such a lovely hot-house rose ! Lady de Snookyns. In an inappropriate flower-pot! Don’t know any clever people! An Artist would have pointed out the mistake ! Dear me, they must be absolutely out of any sort of society! I think er might have spared us this infliction. Miss Emily. And here is a menu of their last dinner. Lady de Snookyns (glancing at it). Three brown entrées one after the other! The husband (who ae a ae been accustomed in early. life to Irish stew) evidently thinks he knows how to order a dinner, _) has } peer rem oe French cook ! yore, rh wae! 4 iss de Snookyns (opening a cupboard). , oh, Mamma, dear, what ts this strange thing ? . . __Lady de Snookyns. A scoop used for tasting cheese. (Aside.) Just like one my poor genateiee used to have in Ais shop! (Aloud. Oh, my dears, my dears, we must get away as quickly as possible The parent of either Mr. or Mrs. DE SMyTHE must have been a retail butter-man ! [General exclamation of horror and hurried preparation for departure. Powdered Footman (throwing open doors). Mr. and Mrs. PLan- TAGENET DE SMYTHE! [Cordial greetings and Curtain. Mrs. RamszorHam has written to her nephew at Trinity Hall to ask him to send her some of the Cambri ipos, which she understands is quite as good in its way as the Cambridge sausages. New Reapine.—(By one whose hair has gone prematurely grey).— Whom the gods ‘ont ove dye young! New Name For A WrattHy Hussanv.—A cheque-mate.

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Frsruaky 3, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53 HOW BULL-APIS WENT UP AGAINST TEL-EL-KEBIR. FRAGMENTS OF AN Epic or Moprern Eeypr. Communicated by the Shade of the Poet PENTAOUR, aforetime Epicist, Poet-Lawreate, Lyric Chronicler, and Rhythmical War Correspondent to Rawesss II, Kine Burz-Apis marched to the eastward, to the borders of Nilus he came ; He marched with his six-foot sword-wielders, his tubes that could thunder forth flame, With the troops of his pocket-Srsostr1s, which same was a friendly nickname. But ere he was come to the river, the Sty One of Egypt arose, From the wilds, and the slums, and the prisons he summoned Bur1-Apis’s foes ; They gathered as frogs in the marshes, they all at Tel-el-Kebir lay, In anticipation of looting, in prospect of increase of pay. King Burt-Aris heard, and he armed him, like Mentv he rose in his might, He buckled his belt for the battle, he buttoned his boots for the fight, And swift from the stalls in the rearward, from the stables of BuLi-APis came, His steeds that were mighty to bear him, the stout Sixteen-Stunners their name; The Pad-hes, the Sand-hes, the Jon-hes, he gathered them all for the war, With the Azure-Shirts, sons of the sea-god, the guns, and the iron-sheathed car. But the guns of A-Ra-BI by hundreds were ranged in his road, and there lay The hordes of the Sty Onz of Egypt as a bar in Buti-APis’s way. : Of the tribes of the Franks none appeared, and the rest of the nations stood far; But the teg-regey troops of the Sty One stood there ready ranged for the war. Was Soe one . the battle-ranks with him? Of the Captains and hosts was ere one Nay, but they held far from the battle; King Butx-Aris stood there alone. Then Butx-Aris cried to GRanpotMAN, “‘ Look here! Shall I, solus, go on? Wherein have I erred, O Granpotman? This deed at thy word have I done. The laws of thy mouth I transgressed not, nor went from thy counsels astray. The straight-tip from thee have I waited, 1’ve patiently walked in thy way. And now underfoot by these Fellahs shall sturdy Burx-Apis be trod ? Thy tongue, O GRANDOLMAN, can square it, or it were remarkably odd. Behold, it is thou that hast done it. I blame not thy counsels, I ery,— Give the word, and I’m game for the tussle.” GranpoLman he winked with _ his eye. e He cried, ‘‘ I’m GRaNDOLMAN, as ever, & peace-loving party, my son ; But at present I’m right on the war-path, like Ra, the Victorious One, My heart is afire @ Ja Jin-go, I stretch forth my hands to the fray. Your warriors, Buit-Apis, are ready, I’m ditto. Sogo it! I say.” He spake, and his word was accomplished, Butu-Aris shot forth to the fight ‘ore you could say ‘‘ periwinkle,” he charged, and the foe was in flight, And there stood the Sty Onz of Egypt, but not very long there stood he, Beholding the rush of BuLt-Aris right promptly he turned him to flee. And the King was alone. Then he halted his bravest, and cried, ‘* That is done! It was hot while it lasted, my heroes, but this is the end of the fun.” * * * Then the boss of that show, even Tooru-Pick, he plucked up his courage and , Aald, “ This is what I call real good ‘biz.’ For A-RA-st, O, off with his head!” But Bux1-Arts cried to him, “‘ Steady, O, steady, my loud Chanticleer ! I must have my trade-ways maniecses, ts good Fe from me need not fear. Butt-Aris fights not for booty ; he means only kindness and good ; And—well, you just ask my Granpotman if I have a thirsting for Flood, The nations who left me to do it, now seem in no end of a state ; But—I mean to'clear out, I assure you,—as soon as I’ve set things all straight.” * a. * . * * * And now when the horsemen and footmen, the stout Sixteen-Stunners, and he, The pocket-Sxsostais, right hand of Buri-Apis, had come o’er the se they were praised e’en as Menrv the Mighty, e sword unresi of Ra With banquet, and bunting, and buncombe, great honour, and sounding Huzza! The nations seemed flummoxed and doubtful; they said, ‘Tis Buti-Apis’s 4 4 : He marches to ro with a hymn-book, he collars a land with a p”? GRANDOLMAN, the tongue-swift protested, and Pusst, the silken-pawed, purred, “Buii-Apis was great in the battle, but peace and plain-dealing preferred.’ Sware they, ‘“‘He means making things pleasant all round, now he’s crumpled his foes.” And, . ideographical Coptic, the nations responded, with ose Of dextral orbicular muscle, and digits pressed close to e nose. PRIVATE BILLS AND PROJECTS. Tue Society for the Preservation of Commons and Open Spaces is doubtless awake to the fact that the Railway Bills of the imminent Session threaten to lead to the absorption of more than 420 acres of forest and common -land. In par- ticular, the New Forest is menaced by competing lines to urnemouth, each of which, perhaps, may, however, happily suc in defeating the . Epping Forest is also endangered by the es Brag, line from Ching- ord to High Beach. A plague of both your lines! And surely the latter scheme should be opposed by the Corporation of — Or > 2 a pro route is e made to please some silly ve The suburbs of London, already spoiled by Railways, are destined, if certain Private Bills pass, to worse despoilment by Tramways. It is actua yeropesed to force a Tramway through Kensington! That effected, the next progressive improvement probably will be a Tramway to traverse Kensington dens. ‘* Facility of access” is a valuable consideration cer- tainly; but what if the means of access to any given paw make that place not worth going to? What will the good of getting easily and cheaply to the New Forest and Epping Forest, if Epping Forest and the New Forest shall have been cut up and ruined? And will not inereased ‘‘ facilities of access”? to the suburbs convert such suburbs into slums still worse than those or have been turned into as it is, and render them still less worth ar Moorea to for refreshment and recreation than they have now become ? hr to ae i . and aptrntientte on peace and quie uty and repose, is sco at as P sentimental.” As if the promotion of sordid and barbarous joint-stock speculations were prompted by any wiser motive. As though a sentiment were something less rational than a propensity, and, in particular, Ideality were more stupid than Acquisitiveness. _ Utility must always, of course, be the first considera- tion—for speculators who simply want to invest money to advantage. But shouldn’t it be considered that the end of unlimited utilisation for the sake of profit must necessarily be that everything that is lovely and makes life worth living will, at the pace utilisation is proceed- ing, be ultimately used up ? A Silly Liveryman. Taking Another Glass. “To see ourselves as others see us,” there is nothing like looking into the criticisms of thi telligent foreigner. Such an one, Dr. J. ScHERE been criticising English literature. us, amongst other remarkable things, that Brron’s Myrrha is “not inferior to any female character of SHax- sPEARE”! Dr. ScuERR himself is manifestly not only “not inferior,’ he actually rises superies to Nature’s favourite child. SHAKSPEARE held the Mirror up to Nature; but Dr. Scuerr holds the Myrrha up to SHAKSPEARE.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fssruary 3, 1883, AWKWARD STYLE ==— fh er AN WN NYS Nea, BANK) i iy} Wy) Wnt) yay MI NRW) ; STG OF COMPLIMENT. Jones, ** JUST SEEN YOUR CHILDREN, Mrs. QotvERFUL, WaaT LITTLE DARLINGS THEY ARE! QuiITE A Nest oF GoLpEN Eags!” [Mrs. Q. is wondering whether Jones means to insinuate that she’s a Goose | DIARY OF THE PREMIER ABROAD. Chateau Scott, Cannes, Saturday.—Here I am at last, and rather tired after journey. ‘*Complete mental and physical repose,” ANDREW CLARKE said. Well, it’s a blessing to coddled some- times. Feel as if I should like to live here for ever. Delightful surroundings. Olive-groves, es, aloes, myrtles, and palms. If I felt stronger, should wire to son that here I am among the ‘* palms an temples of the South,” but perhaps had better keep quiet. Hope I shan’t be bothered by seeing people. Hope Carp- WELL and CaripErs won’t call. If RanpotPH CHURCHILL comes down here for Ais health, I have to leave for mine. Monday.—Better already. Air like nectar. Who is it who says that “blue isles and snowy mountains wear The purple noon’s transparent light” ? Think it’s SHetiEy. Don’t approve of SHEL- LEY, but description not bad, except that no ‘‘ snowy mountains ’”’ anywhere near Cannes. uwesday.—Trip to the Ile Ste. Marguérite to-day. Jolly! Had pic-nic near house where BazaIne was confined. I cut down boughs of trees, and WoLvERTON boiled the kettle. Proprietor of land objected to cutting down trees, in French. Couldn’t quite make out what he said, but gave him copy of Blue Book on Egypt and py and he went away. Glorious sunset! one of Lord Satis- BuRY’s speeches before going to bed, and slept for twelve hours onend. RanpouipH has arrived at Nice. Don’t care! Wednesday.—Caught by family translating Irish Land Act into Greek in corner of the grounds, under an orange-bush. They threaten to telegraph for ANDREW CLARKE, and e me promise not to do it again. I do so willingly, as I don’t want ANDREW CraRrke here. Feel in position of much greater freedom and less a when my Doctor’s five hundred miles ef Good = ov CraRkKE, but likes coddling me, and I don’t like being ed. Thursday.—Slip out of grounds, and wire to Harrtineron, con- gratulating him on his recent speech, which I managed to read under the bed-clothes, this morning ! Capital speech ! wire to CLaRKE to ask him if he reall ; ly meant complete repose, or onl ‘* sufficient repose.” He wires back, ‘‘ complete, otherwise Leguaiied epidermitis is sure to supervene.” Don’t want to get laryngital epidermitis ; wish Doctors wouldn’t frighten one so. Don’t mind seeing visitors a bit now; in: ney Barge like it. Find myself wandering about grounds, repeating best parts of undelivered Mid- lothian speeches to the oranges, and denouncing NorTHcorTE in an undertone. CARDWELL came in and caught me just at a splendid peroration ; provoking; couldn’t finish it. Shall try in bed, to-night. Friday.—Touch of the Mistral, to-day. Why ‘‘ Mistral?” Look it up. CiarKe told me to ‘‘ beware of the Mi .” Can’t hel it; must do a good ten-mile walk, and climb a mountain. A CHILDERS to come with me. Says he’d rather not; never climbed a hill in his life. Go up by myself, and feel like the youth in Excelsior. Back, and draft rough sketch of London Municipal Reform Bill. Slink out after dinner, and telegraph chief clauses to Fiatu. Crowd of French peasants at gates of villa, wai! to catch a sight of me. This devotion deserves a reward. I explain to them prin- cipal provisions of Irish Arrears Act, at which they seem surprised. Query’:—Do they understand my French, I wonder ? Saturday.—Feel glorious! Never knew such health in my life! Air like cham e. Upearly, and cut down all Lord WotvErTon’s favourite trees before breakfast. Then, as I can’t stand being coddled any longer, effect exchange of dress with passing ouvrier, and go off to Esterel Mountains with axe, hunch of bread and cheese, and copy of Homer and new County Franchise Bill. Spend a delicious day. Come back, and find family have been scouring country for me, as there was a report I had been carried off b: Irish-American Fenian corsairs! Family have realy telegrep for ANDREW CLARKE. Don’t care if he comes! Hang ANDREW Crarxke! Hang the Mistral! Feel brimful of spirits. As ANDREW CraRke is coming, shall take little trip to Genoa—why not Monaco? —and do asI like. Sanispury is at Nice, and I am sure I can get him to join me. No doubt he knows a “system” or two. fun! Quite pleasant to think we can join hands about anything! —_ dearer — Tam! Meet py —at cards! a _ wi quite the game. But still it is a very good joke for a con- valescent! Must be off before CLaRxke arrives.. Catch the train, wire to SaLIsBURY en route to join me, and there we are! Now to furtively obtain the Continental Bradshaw ! ‘MON, ‘d “3H ‘NOH 4 Q - = i ) q tes] > a e az ra : S) P ty :

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 3, 1883. OUR “VIGILANCE COMMITTEE.” Mr. P. ‘* NOW, THEN, MISTER PUBLIC PROSECUTOR, WAKE UP!!!”

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Fesrvuary 3, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 57 DUCATION.—SureErior.—Mrs, PRanGtE, of Hornblean House, Patch- Hants, is prepared to receive in her over. finishing establishment one or two young ladies who are desirous of acquiring the polish of a first-class Parisian education combined with the social comforts and adornments proper to a thorough sound English training. Overlooks the Solent. Tinned meat unrestricted. Owing to Mr. PRANGLE having, on his return from the Bognor Races, twice thrown the French Professor ace the drawing-room window at the close of the recent Advent Term, Mrs. PRANGLE has, at the present moment, one or two vacancies for pupils, at a some- what reduced price. nexceptionable References. Harp extra. c DUCATION.—LITTLE BOYS.— An extremely uncomfortable home of- fered the above by two maiden ladies of uncertain temper, who, having tried their hands in turns at leather work, letting lodgings, keeping a sea-side boarding-house for gentlemen, and telling fortunes for four- teen stamps by Post, but without success, have at length decided that something might be made out of a few little boys. They are, therefore, prepared to receive in their six- roomed villa five-and-twenty. Terms in- clusive, Forty Guineas. — Address, for testimonials (home-made), The Misses Stay, The Aviary, West Skinton, sy DUCATION.—Warrinenam Roap Hiex Scuoor For Lapres.—Splendid Recreation Grounds, Four-in-hand Club, Aquarium, and Military Band on Premises, Ninety Selec Professors. Seales : Waener. Theology: Archbishop of Can- TERBURY. Recitation: the Poet-Laureate. Domestic Medicine: Sir W. Gutz. Ele- mentary History: Professor FREEMAN. Pose: Srpney Cotvin. Calisthenics : Lord WotsELky. Elocution: Sir WILLIAM Harcourt. Turkish Bath: Resident Chief Justice. Salmon-fishing at parent’s option. Wedding - breakfast daily. — Fees (inclu- sive) for In-pensioners, Two Guineas per term. Reference to Duchesses. ~~ oF The an | Principal, Backgammon Hall Wappingham Road. DUCATION.— WOOLWICH ARMY Examinations.—Mr. Roper Cram re- ceives a limited number of candidates whom he “‘prepares” for the above at an _unli- mited figure. Mr. Roper Cram failed to pass at the recent autumn examination— No. 237, G@. Dz Vezzy. . 1012 Marks. » 310,A.Monurms ... 613 ,, » 419,F.RrprneR .. . bails the last-named of whom was turned out of the hall by the Examiners. As, during their eo period of study, Mr. Roper Cram’s Pupils enjoy unrestricted licence in the shape of bill iar and card playing, toge- ther with the run of all the low and dis- reputable society in the neighbourhood, parents are requested to make early appli- cation as vacancies in the Establishment are rapidly filled 4 All particulars can be had from the Principal, Squeezim House, Holloway Rise. DUCATION.—Gerrmany. Neuhausen- on-the-Spree.—A Fraudulent Bank- rupt who has found Mexico, at last, too hot to hold him, is, as a last resource, now prepared to offer a sound religious and moral education to several young Gentle- Men of position. — Terms (payable in advance) £100 per annum. +» Post inte, as above. a OUR ADVERTISERS. DUCATION. —CHIPSTER COLLE- GIATE SCHOOL.—The Rev. Hat- Bot Frynex (late B.B. of Durham), having recently, with a view to the creation of a well- paying ‘‘ Home for the Poor,” taken an inconveniently large house ia the immediate neighbourhood of Chipster, which by some miscalculation he now finds empty, with twenty-two spare bed-rooms on his hands, is prepared to receive, at the shortest notice, any number of boys he can possibly get together to cram into it. Age, size, parentage, or antecedents no object. The course of instruction, which will include Latin, Greek, German, French, the higher Mathematics, Military Sur- veying, Dancing, and Astronomy, and any- thing else inquired for by applicants, will be under the sole direction of the Rev Hatzot Faynee himself, who is rubbing up his acquaintance with the above and other subjects as fast as he can in the Christmas holidays, in order that he may be in a fair position to receive his young friends with some confidence at the opening of the February term, which com- mences on the 10th inst. Music, Drilling, Fencing, Part-Singing, and preparation for the East Indian Civil Service, will be pro- visionally undertaken by the Gardener. For full a er apply to The Rey. the Rector, University House, Chipster. DUCATION. — BACKWARD AND Incorrigible Boys pushed further back and rendered still more incorrigible on an entirely new system ; the Advertiser, whose principle is mainly one of gentle ar ent, mingled with mild persuasion, having, through the recent blowing up of a neigh- bouring barn, had to part with four of his — to a Reformatory, while one has een removed to an Insitution for Idiots, has now a few vacancies.—Address, REVE- REND, Post-Office, Limpley Stoke. DUCATION. —HIGHER CULTURE FoR Lapres.—At the West Camber- well University (affiliated by Private Char- ter to the sister Universities of Cambridge and Oxford). The following are some of the selected subjects for the Public Lectures to be delivered in the ensuing Lent Term :— Applied Dynamics, Differential Hypotheses Statics, Diffused po ay Integral Principia, and Economic Ethies. There is also a class forming for Girls under the age of fourteen in ee ee Hydrostatics. A qualified Medical Practitioner, accus- tomed to all the earlier stages of dementia is in attendance to watch the classes.— Apply to the Lady Chancellor. DUCATION. —HIGH-CLASS Scuoot ror Satz.—The remarkably valuable educational property, known as Eton University College Academy, to be disposed of at once, without references or inquiry. Commanding position, overlooking the back of the Ws gga | Soap Works. System of education sound, useful, and commercial. As the present number of pupils amounts to three (all unclaimed by parents), supplemented by the man in pos- session of the premises, the annual turnover, with management, might be regarded as considerable. The Vice-Warden would, however, part with the goodwill of the whole as it stands (including the services of a French Master with delirium tremens, who can do conjuring tricks) for his railway and steamboat fare (lo sea passage) to Boulogne.—Address, 0- Dotus, Post-Office, Sloper’s End, 8. (What they don’t tell us—Educational, Literary, Domestic, dc.) HE MILE END MAGAZINE for Fesruary Now Ready. HE MILE END MAGAZINE.—To be _had bythe bushel anywhere. —=s__ HE MILE END MAGAZINE—Order the back numbers of your Butterman. bas - MILE BaD MAGAzIN =, is eavy, disma ary, iriting: dead-alive readin g. : ‘ . HE MILE END MAGAZINE, enjoy- ing an established circulation between the Sub-Editor and the Office Boy, offers —_ and exceptional advantages to Adver- sers, HE MILE END MAGAZINE is full of unoriginal Articles by untried and unpaid Authors. HE MILE END MAGAZINE ‘‘is among the very worst things of the kind we have ever come across. To ask twopence for it is not only to insult but to swindle the public.” —Literary Helpmate. HE MILE END MAGAZINE “should be kicked off every bookstall in the three Kingdoms.”’— Daily Reflector. HE MILE END MAGAZINE.—‘ We should like to punch the Editor’s head.” — Cross- Examiner. HE MILE END MAGAZINE,—‘ Mrs. Norton Cuiprine’s terrible piece of serial trash, The Fothirminguys, goes from bad to worse. There is, from first to last, no plot, no character, no incident, and no grammar. Why does not some one lock the woman up ?””— Worcester Sentinel. HE MILE END MAGAZINE,—“ Mr, Baker Bryant's drivelling and con- temptible m, Phlegethon among_ the Hamadryads, watrants the hearty breaking of every window in the office.” — Herne Bay Atheneum. BUEeeRs DYNAMIC COMB. w® HAVE ANY HAIR AT ALL? é of an entirely new adamantine mate- rial, highly charged, and of rasping pene- tration. INKER’S DYNAMIC COMB, if used daily, will in time remove not only the head-ache but the head. INKER’S DYNAMIC COMB instantly turns the Hair all the colours of the rainbow. INKER’S DYNAMIC COMB can be utilised as a powerful potato-rake. INKER’S DYNAMIC COMB may be cut up into cavalry spurs. _ INKER’S DYNAMIC COMB is an excellent substitute for bottle-glass on garden walls, INKER’S DYNAMIC COMB should be tried on the baby. INKER’S DYNAMIC COMB breaks | up with facility into tenpenny nails, INKER’S DYNAMIC COMB.—‘“ A Mrptanp Nosreman’”’ writes :— ‘*My hair had been falling off slowly for some time, when I was induced to purchase one of your dynamic combs. The moment I used it, the hair I had left came off i icin INKER’S DYNAMIC COMB.—To be had everywhere, in an Wagant case, or sent free by post for £1 17s, 6d.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON l’vz cot HIM!” Jarvis, ‘* An, Sir, IT’s ONLY AN OLD Fryin’-Pan ! ZA ANTICIPATION. Piscator (short-sighted ; he had been troliing all day for a big Pike that lay in a hole about here), ‘* Quiox, JARVIS—THE LANDING-Net— But THAT WILL BE USEFUL, Y'KNOW, SIR, WHEN WE DO CATCH HIM!” LAWN-TENNIS IN WINTER. By a Wilful Lawnt * . sJeonienne O Brine me, O bring me, my stout mackintosh. I care not a feather for slime or for slosh ! The sky it is leaden, the lawn sopping wet, And sodden the balls are, and slack is the net ! I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again,— _ Ill play at Lawn-Tennis in spite of the rain ! I’ll don re sou’-weater, 0 then what do I care f weather be foul or if weather be fair ? I’ll put on my furs, and I’ll shorten my frocks, Wear thick woollen stock- ings, and red knickerbocks: I care not a pin for the storm or the flood,— I’ll play at Lawn-Tennis in spite of the mud ! I laugh as the hailstones come pattering down; I’m spattered all over from sole unto crown ! In thunder and lightning I'll play all the same— I won’t be debarred from my favourite game ! Though weak-hearted lasses may quiver and gut, -Tennis in spite of the hail I’ll play at La In summer ’tis pleasant, but you ought to know ’Tis capital fun in the winter also; When nets are all frozen, and balls can’t rebound, When chilly the air is, and snow’s on the ground ! a lazy folks shiver, and say ’tis ‘‘ no go,” I’ll play at Lawn-Tennis in spite of the snow! What pleasure can equal, what exercise vies With winter Lawn-Tennis, with snow in your eyes? You trip and you tumble, you glance and you glide, You totter and stumble, you slip and you slide With two ancient racquets strapped fast to my feet, I’ll play at Lawn-Tennis in spite of the sleet! In autumn, as well as in summer or spring, In praise of Lawn-Tennis I heartily sing! Though good at each season, and better each time, I’m certain in winter the game’s in its prime ! You doubt it? No matter! Whate’er may befall, I’ll play at Lawn-Tennis in spite of you all! ROUND ABOUT THE CITY COURTS. Suanp-looking Lawyers and pigeons. On the whole, the latter stouter and sleeker than the former. Rather curious this, as when @ pigeon gets into the hands of a certain kind of Solicitor, the poor bird gets effectually plucked. But these pigeons are knowing little creatures, flying p. Car the yard of the §icidhall, and under the immediate patronage of the Lonp Mayor and the Court of Aldermen. It is strange that the City Corporation should have chosen pigeons for wards—it would have been more appropriate had they selected doves—turtle-doves. However, there are the pi ‘and they rch at the door of ‘‘ the Commissioner’s Court.’ Th e pigeons are eft behind, and this is the interior of the hall of Justice over which that good Scotch watch-dog, Commissioner Kzxk, presides whenever it happens to be open. The great man is seated on a stuffed chair i A i i i a ee PD (East of Temple Bar, stuffing is de rigueur) under the City Arms. On Pen Ee

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—_——— Fesrvary 3, 1883, ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 59 A HOWL FROM THE HANSOM. A correspondence has been going on in a daily paper regard- ing the murderous rate at which hansoms are driven in London. ] Hvereadu, hurrah for the Han- som Cab, That rattles ane the street! The Growler crawls like the sluggish crab, But a are like lightning flee Unheeding the crowd we roll eee night as well as by day, Pe | women and children a the throng Fly wildly out of our way. But ; > alert for hapless 0 Who cannot escape our whee And, wot ye well, ’tis a scream- ing joke When somebody ’neath us reels. By broken bones a lesson is taught That people who walk should ride ; The Hansom’s the Car of Juggernaut, a My Death is the fare inside! EavrivocaL ADVERTISE- MENT.—Ticket posted in the window of a Civic Teadealer’s shop: ‘‘Choice 2s. 6d. Tea. Wonderful Value.” How wonderful? For the under or over-valuation of the tea valued at two-and-sixpence ? The announcement of an ar- ticle on sale at a value styled “wonderful,” may be meant by its vendor for a recom- PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.--No. 121. ALGERNON BERTRAM MITFORD, C.B., Secretary to H. M.’s Office of Works. TOKENS UP THERE! Frres, Deaths, Collisions, Floods, Explosions, Plots, Succeed a blazing star, attend spots Which speckle the Sun’s disk, in that bright place, Like moles or patches on Apollo’s face. x Oh, ghost of Panrrinex, in this earth] scene, Sage, chaffed so sorely by St. atrick’s Dean. Now, if that too satiric Spirit knows, What says the shade of Swirt to facts like those ? And thou, late Zapxret of the Spheres now free, a Thou, too, the still surviving Tao-8zE, Sing songs of triumph, and rejoice, and cry, ‘Are such coincidences all my ove P Ye Huxtrys and ye Tyrn- DALLS, who deride Wonders and signs, your heads diminished hide ; Your stubborn necks to faith in omens bend : See what disasters solar spots portend. O’er incredulity let Facts pre- vail, And own the teaching of a Comet’s tail. SEASONABLE COSTUMES. THE most popular dresses been "The Spattered Hearty” nm * e Spa “The Mudlark,” “A Sym- phony in Splashes,” ‘‘The Crossing-Sweeper,” ‘‘ The Scavenger,” and ‘‘ Mudd Gentlemen of the Nineteen Century.” od is very strangely gone.” . mendation of that commodity, The Duke & Pw. Bow poy Fone Act I., Sc. v. THE SEVEN AGES OF GIRL. but would equally answer the ; dee CryacE, Rompage, Tartage, — of an opposition shop- Fabian (Punch). Did I not say he would work it out ? eeper to run it down. Twelfth Night, Act ll, Sc. v. a Flirtage, Jiltage, and Marriage. either side of him is a wainscoting, semi-circular in form, suggesting that behind the boards is plenty of accommodation for the brooms, brushes, and other impedimenta of the old lady who does the charing. No doubt, to remind the Commissioner that he should keep cool and not lose his temper, there is an enormous barometer, which seems to have been borrowed from a scene in the after-part of a Christmas Pantomime. The general impression on entering the Court is that everybody is talking at one and the same time. And the impression is not altogether erroneous. The Plaintiff and the Defendant, in spite of their representatives being present, are hard at work contra- dicting one another. Principals in other cases are loudly discussing their chances of success, while two Solicitors in ye toe -gowns are loudly contending for vocal-mastery. A half-hearte effort to preserve order is made by placing a couple of placards on the walls uesting ** Plaintiffs” to keep on one side of the room, and ‘ Defendants ”* on the other. r “Why are those Solicitors wearing gowns?” asks a newly-called and inexperienced Barrister, who has looked in, possibly with a view to gw g some ‘‘ soup ”—a nickname for chance briefs. _ “Out of respect to the Commissioner, I think, Sir,” replies the of City Policemen, ing a barrier. ‘‘ His Honour seems to like it. The Commissioner appears to glory in the noise. He waits until he catches something with which he disagrees, and then pounces down upon the speaker like a cat upon a mouse. He reminds one of an agile performer playing upon half-a-dozen kettle- drums, Now he gives a tap to the Defendant, now to the Plaintiff's Advocate, now to the mild-looking Gentleman in a ter’s-wig, who, seemingly, is the Court’s Registrar, now to| four Witnesses who will speak together. Then he keeps quite silent until the two Advocates are once more fighting hammer and tongs, when, after a few minutes’ pause, he suddenly brings the case to a hurried conclusion, by abruptly announcing his decirivn. I. \ BY ‘ ‘ \ PALL Hr NS q | DANA I aes?! oh POT Commissioner Kerr’ Court.—A Friend at a Pinch. The noise does not cease. On the contrary, another pair of suitors are impatient to be heard, and the chatter recommences with renewed energy. Age the Commissioner deals out his knock- down blows right and left with the strictest impartiality, until once

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Fasauary 3, 1883, ‘ial PUNCH’S PREMIE = *¥ bps, —— a — PUZZLE. HERE 1s CANNES/ FINE PLACE TO PLAY AT ‘* CaTcH-As-CATCH-CAN,” TRY IT THEN, TURN ROUND THREE TIMES, AND OATCH THE GRAND OLD Man! again the time arrives for him to stop the proceedings in the usual manner. The title of the Court might be ‘‘ Rough and Ready,” in recognition of the hearty agaty with which it is conducted. It is only fair to add that, in spite of the noise and confusion, the best feeling seems to prevail everywhere, so much so, that it is no unusual thin P. Ce a Police-Janitor offering a pinch of snuff to a poun-guetlial icitor. Two minutes’ walk, and the realm of the Commissioner is replaced by the Guildhall Police-Court. Here is a decided change. Decorum is the order of the day. The room is well-arranged. The officials Guildhall.—Police Caught Swearing ! wear a bright and neat costume, looking as if they wished to be taken for the ideal heroes of that onmitel tale, Dandy. They are, moreover, most careful in” their diction, whispering ‘‘ bad language’ whenever they have to make use of it in giving their evidence. In fact, it is a most painful duty to a Policeman when- ever he has to swear himself before entering the witness-box. A case of assault is heard, when the greatest possible interest is taken in the condition of the prisoner, so far as his sobriety is concerned, by everyone in Court. One Witness considers he was “‘ intoxi- cated,” another ‘‘ perfectly sober,” a third “‘ not drunk, but a little in liquor.” Each of those called upon to testify seems to have a different standard of ‘‘ alcoholic deportment.’’ However, the Alder- man decides og the luckless defendant, and finally addresses him very much as follows, evidently framing his style upon a hegre udge presiding at the Old Bailey :— ** You have been guilty of three most serious offences. You have been proved to have been drunk, to have committed an assault, and to have refused to give up a ticket.” At this point the prisoner plucks up his courage. ‘‘ This is a yor grave matter, indeed— so grave that I must deal with it with the utmost severity. Had you struck the Plaintiff in a fatal part, you might have been guilty of murder; had you, in a state of intoxication, burned down a house, you would have committed arson; and, by refusing to deliver up your ticket, you might have caused, by the delay arising out of your refusal, an accident entailing the loss of scores, if not hundreds of valuable lives.”” Here the Alderman pauses, and the prisoner turns pale with apprehension. ‘‘ Under these circum- stances,” continues his Worship, in solemn tones, ‘‘in spite of the — it gives me, I must deal with you with the utmost severity. he sentence of this Court is, that you shall be taken from hence to the office of the Clerk from whence you came,”—the prisoner by this time is in a fainting condition, and scarcely hears the followin words—‘‘ where you sh pay sixty shillings and costs, an may——” But here the Alderman pauses oreaey. and the con- clusion of the Death Doom remains unspoken. And so the matter ends. If the Guildhall Police Court is “‘ respectable,” the Justice Room at the Mansion House is even “‘ more so.” Here the work is done— nearly entirely—by Mr. Martin, the Chief Clerk, who seems to tolerate with cheerful kindliness the presence of the Lorp Mayor or the presiding Alderman. When Sir Ropert CaRpEN is in the Chair, geniality, not to say boundless and innocent hilarity, is the watch- word of the day—dashed only by a latent dread on the part of the officials that the huge Sword of State which hangs over the magiste- rial bench may descend unexpectedly upon the devoted head of the nominal Dispenser of Law and the actual Preserver rder. } However, when it is remembered that the worthy Alderman seems to possess a charmed life, good-humour is instantly restored, as_it is felt that any inconvenience to which his Worship might be put by such an awkward contretemps would certainly be of a wey tran- sitory character. To sum up—Justice east of Temple does not appear to differ materially from Justice east of anywhere else. @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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” FRsRUARY 10, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 61 ““WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS,” &c. NEVER BEITER IN MY LIFE! TrovsLes! MusT BE SOME MISTAKE.” Friend, ‘‘ WEtu—I HEARD YOU HAD BEEN SERIOUSLY EMBARRASSE THAT YOU'D BEEN THROUGH THE CouRT.” YES, POOR FELLOWS! THEY HAVE HAD A BAD TIME OF IT!!” Wagstaff (enlightened), ‘*‘OuH!—I see! You MEAN My CreEprTors! Lor, [EZxeunt, laughing. THE SOLITARY WEEPER. (Not by Wordsworth.) “T have tried cases in which the evidence showed a whole family not only living in one room, but occupying the same bed, and that a bed on the floor. We can hardly suppose that children brought up under these circumstances can have any feeling of decency, chastity, or morality left in them.” Mr. Justice Kay at Manchester. “The Coroner’s Inquest in the case of the fire in Windsor Street, held up to view once more the shockingly crowded and squalid condition of the homes of the poor in London. In that house in Windsor Street there were thirty-two persons in nine rooms; people who did not belong to the house often slept on the staircase. . . . The MurpHys, who were also heard of during the Coroner’s inquiry, had to pay three shillings a week for the one room in which they lived, nine in family.” St. James’s Gazette. Beno xp her, in her native slum, Yon dirty, draggled London lass ! _ Enter, but be prepared to hold Your noses as you pass! Mid filth, in rags, she sits and sighs, And stares with large lack-lustre eyes ; Oh, watch her, for no sadder sight Shall greet your gaze this livelong night! No “‘ Officer of Health ”’ condemns The single grewsome little room Wherein nine human beings, with souls, Fulfil their awful doom. Up crowded stairs, through rotted floors, The fever and the drain-smell pours ; Yet seventy pounds a year seems high As rental for a rookery ! Will no one tell us why she sighed, This London child, the nation’s care ? Perchance of purer life she dreams, And breathes a visionary air. Or is it some more simple grief ? Perhaps her hunger needs relief ? Or natural tears may idly flow For lack of joys that others know. Whate’er the cause, the maiden seemed au co SF 7224 A LP a TF 7 Friend (pulling long face). ‘‘HuLLo, WAGSTAFF, HOW ARE you, OLD Man! As if her woe could havé no mending ; ‘So GRIEVED TO HEAR OF youR TROUBLES! I HOPE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT AGAIN, I saw her crouching at the hearth, I assuRE you I FULLY symp——” And o’er the embers bending. Wagstaff (with surprise), ‘“‘En? THANKS—BUT I’VE BEEN ALL RIGHT— I watched her till my heart was spent ; And in my nostrils, as I went, D—'N FAOT The odour of the place I bore, Long after it was seen no more. Sone FoR THE CONSERVATIVE ComMMONERS. — ‘‘ Oh, Excno, how Wemyss you!” FLOTOW. Srtent! the tuneful and ear-catching bringer Of Melody’s simple magic to the crowd ; Whose work has won from many a throng-cheered singer The praise by scornful critics disallowed. Perchance, were we all fully-fledged Immortals, Our only laurels were for WAGNER’s brow ; But, wingless, on this side the shadowy portals, illions will sigh for Martha and FLotow. STEP BY STEP. (A Chronological Table for France for the next Ten Years.) 1883. Expulsion of Pretenders from Paris. Abolition of the Tegimental colours. Removal of all the monuments of the capital connected with the history of the reigning families. 1884, Abolition of the title of ‘* Monsieur.”’ Expulsion of the Judges. Decree forbidding Bishops to wear their mitres. The exposition of watch-chains declared illegal and against the policy of equality ordained by the Republic. 1885. The names of Narotxon and Louis pronounced illegal. Abolition of the grade of Drum-Major. All social distinctions strictly forbidden. Servants to treat their employers on a footing of yon uality. ‘‘One man is as good as another—and better,” es the National motto. 1886. The name of every town in France changed eight times. |M. Hveo is deprived of his prefix, ‘‘ Vicror,” as the title is con- |sidered suggestive of the hero of the First Empire. Servants ‘once employed by Pretenders and their descendants or relatives | expelled from France. | 1887. Equality on the Stage introduced. Pieces cast from the | stock companies by lot. Expulsion of all the dramatic Authors on | their protesting against this regulation. Decree authorising cab- Preeti to sit inside their vehicles while their fares drive their | horses, 1888. Installation of the ninety-first Premier elected within three ears. Creation of a universal Parliament, to which everyone at his irth belongs, in substitution of the two Houses. Banishment of all the Doctors on the score of their giving their services nearly exclu- sively to the rich. M. Huo exiled because allusion is made to him as ‘* the Prince of Poets.” 1889. Dogs and cats presented with the Franchise. Expulsion of wearers of more than one shirt a week. Decree forbidding the use of any letters of the alphabet which can be employed in making such words as ‘* King,” Prince,” or ‘‘ Emperor.” 1890. Withdrawal of ‘‘ Louis” and ‘‘Napoléons” from the | currency. Abolition of all grades in the Church, the Civil Service, | and the Bar. 1891. Law and order prohibited. The Army declared to consist entirely of privates. All the letters of the alphabet reduced to the same significance. The Republic declared eternal. 1892. Return of a “‘ Pretender” at the head of the Army. Over- whelming enthusiasm, and political and social slavery for the neat twenty years! VOL. LXXXIV. G

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 10, 1883. READY! A BUSINESS-LIKE BALLAD, co a / ron es Sa re ws — aN ~ \\ \ , ND) in Oy ew ~ SS “yp Min ae lO. ila MY a ear! There’s a yarn to spin on an old but honest xt. When around our cliffs and our headlands hoar our winter seas are vext, When the waves are lashed by the wind-flouts wild that come with the condor sweep Of a hurrying wings like harpy-flights that prey on the troubled eep: When the brine that through soft summer days with its slow soft breaking curls Has laved the slopes of the brown ribbed sands and the limbs of the ereid girls. Beats clamorous, cliff-high, mad assault all round our island shores, And Titan-handed shocks and rends, and tiger-throated roars : When the seaman shades spray-blinded eyes with an eager tremulous hand, And looks vg a long and an anxious look to the lights that gleam on :

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" Fasavanr 10, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON a CHARIVARI.

Ra bet aA wilds f | a hy FP > <A) ; IN} 4 tay Oh ANA Mik) (TH |: fl i awn ee || 1 H aa | BLASE! The Rector, *‘AND 80 You'vE BEEN TO Paris, Mr, Brown. Granp City, Isn’r iT?” Parishioner. ‘‘ Weit—yr-ks! Bot I’p sren MarpsTonzE, you KNow !”

Whilst the wave-shock’d timbers creak and cleave beneath his frost-numb feet, And = wail of women sounds now and anon through the hiss of the driving sleet : And the hero-lessening cynic smirks o’er his flask, and bowl, and book ;— Then the cry is—not for the Sage or Bard,—wild eyes that search and scan The shore-line seek not Wealth or Wit, but the face of the Life-Boat Man! We have all our uses after all, from the dtlettanti down, Will the fine contemner of foolish gush for once forbear to frown ? The Life-Boat Man may be scarce the stuff to inspire heroic rhymes, But he who stands ready to venture life is—a handy fellow at times. Ready! The manliest word of words that make up mortal speech, Ready !—to lead the thundering charge or face the perilous breach ; To strike or stand, to dare or bear, small odds, ’tis much the same, But when the stake is the trifle, life, he is game who will play the game. Play it right out with a steady hand and an uneffusive force, In an everyday cool sort of way, as a matter much of course ; The style in brief of the Life-Boat Man, no Saint pahines, nor Crichton, ut a man low pay won’t check or stay, and the chance of death won’t frighten. Then, whilst the sybarite couches snug in a cozy curtain’d nook, Ready ! All round our sea-scourged coasts, you will find him, prompt at call, When the winds are out, and the waves are up, and the black sky frowns o’er all ; en the rock-reef’s teeth or the quicksand’s suck imperil the helpless ship, And it means grim fight with the mad sea’s might to slacken the storm-fiend’s grip. Ready! The cot may be warm and snug, whilst the sea is wild and chill ; ‘The wife may look wistful, and ill at ease, as wives of the humblest will. I y yes, he may win some pounds, if he dares the wave’s mad strife; But tisn’t a Peerage that lures Aim on to the hazard of life for life | Yet forth he ! Now, the cynic knows of worldly lore good store, Perhaps he wil say if it may not pay, round our rock-bound British shore,

To have such men as the Life-Boat Man, men simply, cheaply brave, Aye y to enter the lists with Death, and not to slay, but save. And perchance some souls of a softer strain may feel some tenderer thrill. : ; Well, Gentlemen, neither cheers nor sneers will the Life- t coffers fill. : The time of tempest is on us now, ’tis the hour for succour steady ; The Life-Boat Man at Ais post is found—British Public are you ‘‘ Ready” ?

HONOURS UNDIVIDED. Mr. Ponca, ever ready to note and do homage to heroism—(witness his appeal on another page for the work of the gallant Lifeboat Men)—makes here his admiring and respectful bow to Miss Jessrz Acr, who, when a heavy sea was running at the Mumbles one day last week, finding a rope improvised from her own and her sister’s shawls useless to rescue a struggling sailor drowning amidst the wreckage breaking on the rock, boldly ong Sone into the water, and saved the man’s life. So Mr. Punch is proud to chronicle in his own page the courageous act of this Miss JEsstz, who is clearly not only an Ace, but a very Ace of Trumps.

LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL. IN MY EASY CHAIR. Tis simply detestable weather ! At home I’m determined to me ; A fortune I’ve spent in shoe-leather, And ruined three hats ev'ry day ! Umbrellas I’ve borrowed and broken, And angered their owners no doubt : These things I consider a token, Tis not the least use to go out! But let the weather be foul or fair, I’ll sit and smile in my Easy Chair ! The morning ’s uncertain and hazy— I can’t be quite sure of the time— I’m feeling exhausted and lazy, Not equal to reason or rhyme! Let editors clamour for copy, And printers persistently tease ! I’ll maunder and nod like a poppy, And take forty winks at mine ease! The are pleasant, 20 J don’t care. I’ ll sit and snooze in my Easy Chair! There’s nothing of note in the papers, There’s nothing to do or to say: We suffer extremely from ‘‘ vapours ””— The fog and the damp of each day. Though streets may be frozen or flooded, Tis useless to fume or to fret ; — friends are be-spattered and mudded— I’ll smoke a serene cigarette! And all the burdens I have to bear, I’ll smoke away in my Easy Chair! Within it is snug and quiescent, Without it persistently pours ; My chair is well-cushioned and pleasant, Though life’s full of angles and bores | My room is deliciously torrid, y frost or by rain 1’m unvext; The world is decidedly horrid— So call me the month after next! , The world may roll and may tear its hair, I’ll roll and laugh in my Easy Chair!

‘I vE often heard,” remarked Mrs. RamsporHay, “‘ of Mr. Ruskin being cut up by those vicious Critics ; and I’m not a bit surpri t at last he’s come to be the Slayed Professor !”

Ar the Adelphi Mr. Cuantes Reape advertises ‘* Two Great Mine Scenes.” He might just as well have written ** Two Great Scenes of Mine.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Feprvary 10, 1883, A LITTLE ABROAD. (A few Notes of a Return Visit to Paris vid Monte Carlo.) Iw consequence of a tr dous success at Monte Carlo—of which, more anon, for] am sure my “‘system” will be useful to all my readers, and to thousands yet unborn—I was able to stay a few days and nights—I prefer the nights—in Paris. I seized this opportunity because Paris itself may not be able to offer it me again this year. Foreigners don’t like to go for pleasure to a place where a reign of terror may commence at any moment, and where you may be awoke, the morning after your arrival, by the Chambermaid who ** Very Like! Very Like! ’’—ZHamlet. become a Pétroleuse, entering your room, accompanied by the Boots and gigantic porters with tri-coloured cockades in their hats, swords in their hands, and i gi in their belts, ferociously insisting on taking you off to be shot as a spy, simply because your Conversation Book in three lan es, your Illustrated Guide to Paris, and your Ollendorff’s Easy Method of Learning French in Sixty-four Lessons, all lying by your bedside, have been considered as pieces de conviction quite sufficient to seal your fate with the Communist Committee, which has been pronounced the Government de facto since 4 A.M., while you were in your first sleep. a oe Pp Paris is in a deuce of a state that’s evident : the Garcons wait on| d as anxiously, as if they would like their pourboires in advance, not nowing but that the next minute they will have to hide in the cellars to avoid service at the barricades. The Half-World is havin a pretty good time of it, on the short-and-merry-life principle, a the Three-quarters-World flock in crowds to the numerous gambling Clubs for all classes which have gradually sprung into existence,—to the Cafés, to the Bals Masqués, the Restaurants and the ill- ventilated and uncomfortable Theatres, which, when there is any attraction at all, have never been more crowded than they are now, or, from a fire-panic point of view, more dangerous. JuDIc appeared in a new musical piece, M’mzelle Nitouche, which, some of the Critics said, was remarkable neither for wit nor tune, and is now a great success, so that a queue of people is seen all day at the box-office anxiously waiting to get seats whenever and wherever they can. It was the same at the Eden-Thédtre, where there was, on the morning of my Visit to the bureau de location, some considerable delay, on account of the clerk having, as far as I could make out, uarrelled with the lady who assisted him in letting seats for the extra matinées, which made him very short with the public generally, on whom he tried to revenge himself by attempting to seat everyone as near the big drum and cymbals as possible. If you wouldn’t have this, he selected a good draughty place, and gave you, defiantly, a ticket for that. I was very polite to him, but it wouldn’t do, and, yielding to his nasty temper and to pressure from the single file behind me—in these painful circumstances anyone would move on,—I accepted the position he offered, and in the evening sat in a most refreshing draught. But it is the “‘ Victorien Era” of the Drama in Paris, and it is at the Vaudeville, where the Great Saran herself is playing the heroine of Sarpovu’s Fédora, that the demand for seats is beyond the supply for three nights a-head. Here, outside all day are those pests of Parisian theatres, the ‘‘ touts,’ to be seen hanging about, pane to sell what they haven’t got, and worrying the weak and the simple. Their continual presence suggested a brilliant Anglo- Parisian jew-de-mot, which I let off on a friend, to whom, as I inted out one of these fellows as a specimen of the rest, I exclaimed, ‘ Noscitur a socits, et voila Tout !”? [N.B. The directions for making this joke successfully are, first: that ‘* Tout”? must be pronounced as in English ; secondly, that your friend be an Englishman, who under- stands French and his own language. The right of reproducing this side-splitter I have secured by International Copyright. ] At last the police have determined to come down upon these touting gentry pretty sharp, and it is just as well the police of Paris sh do something to show they have still some of their old power in the streets, where, with a policeman calmly looking on, you can be knocked down and run over without any official interference, and then be fined twenty franes for obstructing the thorough- fare. Yes, this is one of the things which we manage better in London. In two or three parts I like Saran muchly—L’ Ftran- gére, for example—but ‘I know her tricks and her manners,” and, as a rule, am not her devoted admirer ; bat I am forced to acknowledge that her Fédora is a triumph of dramatic Art. In the Third Act I forgot that it was Saran, and saw only Fédora. In the Fourth Act, in ee of my being compelled to ask myself why on earth when everything was supposed to be going on as happily as a honeymoon ought to do, she should still affect towzled hair, and look as if the previous night’s supper had thoroughly di with her, I was soon fixed by her “‘ glittering eye,” became oblivious of her affectations, and again, when she was once in action, I followed her every movement right through that terrible bit of realism where her lover turns on her like a raging lunatic, and seems almost to shake her head off in his attempt to throttle her, until, having escaped from him, she takes poison, and rolls off the sofa—a corpse ! Pavut Berton acts up to her, and acts really well when with her; but, when left to himself, plunging about on a soft sofa, and diving his head into the sofa cushions, with his heels uppermost, like a porpoise at play, sobbing, ‘‘ Ma Mére! ma Mere !” he is eminently unmanly and peculiarly ridiculous. The Parisians, however, applauded him, though here I fancy the claque led it; but a Parisian audience are always to applaud anyone, in any situation, who sobs, and shouts, ‘“‘ Ma Mere! ma Mére!” if he only sobs and shouts loud ——e. __ There is no reality, no touch of nature in such an hysterical exhibition of grief. ; But as to Saran, she is Fédora. The piece may be, and will be easily adapted for the English Stage, will attract, and will be a success with all who have not seen SaraH, but I am unable to name any English Actress who can really Py! this part. And this is no isparagement to our Actresses, as the Play is, in effect, a one-part piece, and that one part was written for SaraH. As the song says, **Tt’s all done for the sake of SanaH!’’ Mr. Bancrort has pur- chased it for the Haymarket, but unless he secures Mr. IRvine, between whom and Saran there is a remarkable resemblance, and att Excelsior! Ballet Costumes at the Eden-Théatre. induces him to—— but this is an improbability which it would be only Lae of time to discuss, though the notion can be suggested, as above, pic y: na r the Theatres, at some of the Cafés the Parisian ‘‘ Masher” is in great force. He is not so much en évidence in the theatre itself, though he is dotted about here and there. He is just the same as his London brother of the same order. He wears a white waistcoat, a white tie (fancy that!) round a stiff white collar, an immaculate shirt-front, but not always with one stud in the centre,

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ee ee S oe ee? Ee Se aN Ores FP @re@rys crews "F F l g a t y mom P~ i~ +O DF @ | ill Fesrvary 10, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 65 —usually two or three,—a shining hat with very much curled-up brim, and he carries a stick with a gold knob to suck, which, when applied to his lips, seemed to produce on him a soothing effect simi- lar to that of the india-rubber mouth-piece of the pap-bottle on a Messieurs les ‘‘ Mashers” Parisiens. baby in the cradle. In this respect the ‘* Masher” of to-day is an exact repetition of the ‘‘Gent” studied by ALBERT SmITH some twenty-five years ago. If the night is cold, the Parisian Masher, evidently a weak creature, comes out strong in an elaborately fur- trimmed overcoat. Just now he specially affects the Eden-Thédtre, where there is such a ballet as I have never yet seen, and of which, in our time, the Alhambra has not approached within even measurable distance. It is called Excelsior, and is divided into a Prologue and two Acts, illustrating the triumph of the Genius of Civilisation over the Spirit of Obscurantism. The Prologue is the best. There are men-dancers as well as women-dancers, all equally good. The pre- cision of the ensembie is admirable, and the effect—I speak of the Prologue—marvellous, The scenery and costumes can be done as well here, or better; and if the entire troupe could be brought over for the re-opening of the Alhambra, it would be a fortune straight off to the Management. They are all evidently trained dancers, and have been drilled and disciplined by a stern autocrat; while the varied tableaux and the constant kaleidoscopic combinations and permutations are triumphs of nuity. The theatre itself, called Eden- Thédtre,—on the lucus a non lucendo principle, as there is no Paradis in it,—is an extraordinary place, with refr ent-saloons, bars, corridors, and foyers, where, during the entr’actes, the crowd try to circulate while listening to music by the Hungarian band, and some monotonous performances on the cors de chasse. Stout ladies in Tyrolean costumes invite the Masher to refresh himself with liquor at the bars, for the heat is intense, and the crush greater than I ever remember to have seen anywhere except on some very special occasion at the Promenade Concerts. The entrance to the Ambulacrum portion is three franes, and to the Stalls nine. There are about five or six hundred Stalls, besides strapontins and portable seats which, thank the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN, would not be permitted in any London Theatre. There is a great deal made of Lesszps and the Suez Canal in one scene, but no reference to England in Egypt. The ‘‘ Marsetilaise” once heralds the triumphant arrival of the French Engineers in the St. Gothard Tunnel, when they rush in and embrace the Italian Engineers, and kiss them on both cheeks, after which they all dance together. The ‘‘ Marseillaise” awakened no response among the audience, and was subsequently played as a polka—and, in fact, pet to as arrangement of the National Anthem that the Engineers off. Parigi o cara! au plaisir! ‘‘Confound their politics! frustrate all their knavish tricks!” Why can’t Paris be managed by an Inter- national Company Limited as ‘‘The Holiday City of the World” ? A Game at Dominoes ; or, a Scene during the Carnival at Nice. Here is a suggestion thrown out well worth the consideration of Europe. Now—lI return to my Notes on Nice and Monaco, of which, as I have already said, ‘‘ More anon!”’ THE SPORTSMAN’S EXHIBITION. By Our Special Johnnie, Loox here, old Chappie. Very glad to oblige, don’t you know. But why want me to go up there so early in the morning? And such a mornin’, too, as it was on Friday, to go splashing about Islington! Drizzlington would be a better name for that extra- ordinary suburb. Haven’t been there since La Fille de Madame Angot. See they’re buildin’ a new Theatre. Hope it’ll be as amusin’ as the old one. Wish you wouldn’t ask me to go out on muddy mornin’s. Got so splashed in hansom cab that my own tailor wouldn’t know me. As for my boots—they were quite unfit for ublication. Row with driver about fare. No one seems to know are to Drizzlington—Islington I mean—every one has his own idea on the subject, which never seems to coincide with mine. Coincide ? Go inside? Very good! Ofcourse 1 went inside. Being a Sports- man’s Exhibition, I became quite the sportsman at once. said “ Yoicks ! ” to the man at the wicket, but he did not respond with enthusiasm. So I looked cheery, and enjoined hi forrard!”? With that he became very angry, and pointed me out toa policeman. By the way, what is the meaning of ‘‘ Yoicks!” and “‘ Hark fo: 41” TI possibly swore at the good man in choice Islingtonese, without knowing anything about it. Oh, yes, I was vy much pleased when I got inside, It reminded me of a mixture of the old Polytechnic, the Hill at Epsom on Derby Day, a bit of the beach at Brighton, and a touch of Madame Tussaup’s. There were a lot of coaches and cabs, and carts and him to “‘ Hark |f carriages ; horses all taken out, and drivers gone to dinner. Man people seemed so have come in boats, and a very good way of comin’, too, this beastly weather. I saw a heap of wonderful things. There were some curious brogues which the Irish Fishermen wear to acquire their accent in Donegal, and there were gafis which they blow when they want to give information. I also saw some very curious corn- crushers, which, I understand, are highly. recommended by some of our leading chiropodists; there was dubbing, always used by the QuEEN when conferring the dignity of knighthood upon one of her subjects; there were dumb jockeys—excellent on a quarrelsome race-course ; and there was saddle-soap, a capital thing to prevent your falling off, don’t you know. 7 Let me see, old Chappie, was there anything else? Oh dear, yes! There were cross-ey: uns for shootin’ round the corner 1 sup- pose—the ejector which they must find very useful in freland just now, and a lot of smart, gay-looking boats, called, I know not why, dingies. I also noted some chaff-cutters, most invaluable for using at finn cogent on race-courses and in the House of Commons. a few live things there were some clay pigeons, and some decoy ducks. There were a lot of , which you know are us or huntin’, and some ladies’ spurs, which are supposed to incite them to all kinds of good deeds. Oh, and a lotof other things! You must go yourself, and have a look. Can’t expect me to tell you all about it when I’ve been so splashed. They ought to have a lot of 9 in red coats theme, ~~. - 7 a with a ee — a ox, or course a partridge. Plenty of girls in country costumes to sin sportin’ songs, would be an excellent notion. Tred the man wi ‘*Tantivy |”? as I went out, but it was of nouse. I’m splashed if I have anything more to do with sporting matters !

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aaa os PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesr vary 10, 1883, CAVE CANEM! Effie. ‘‘ AREN'T YOU AFRAID MY BIG Dog 'LL EAT you?” Stranger. ‘‘ HR WOULDN'T MAKE MUCH OF A MEAL OFF Mz, MY DEAR!” Efe. ‘My sia Doo tres Bonzs/” A MYSTIC RITE. Mr. Macsern and Mr. Grecory were, last week, elected as worthy to be Associates of the Royal Academicians. The ceremony of Mr. MacsetnH’s initiation was peculiarly striking, as the official Repre- sentative Artists could not lose the opportunity afforded them by the new Associate’s Shakspearian name. The Council Chamber was fitted up as The Witches’ Cavern, a Calderon was in the centre, and the dramatis persone were as follows :— Macbeth oe ‘s+ ‘By Himself. 1st Witch ° . Sir F. Lerenton, P.R.A. 2nd Witch ° - J.C. Horstey, R.A. 3rd Witch ‘ . ‘WoP. Barn, R.A. After an incantation, arranged for three voices, which was very finely sung, The Second Witch announced that, ** By the pricking of thumbs, something clever this way comes. nm locks whoever knocks |” upon which Mr. MacBera entered, and was presented by the Weird Sisters with ‘a deed without a name,” which the new Associate had to pow Then, joining hands, they danced to mysterious music, played by Mr. Sant, R.A., on a concealed harmonium, and while throwing into the Cauldron old paint- brushes, broken palettes, bits of easels, chips of mahlsticks, dry leaves from Ruskin on Art, BLAcKBURNE’s Illustrated Academy Guide, and an old Catalogue of the Grosvenor Gallery, they sang— ** Come high or low, Thyself and office deftly show !’? when the thunder was splendidly shaken by Mr. Henrzent, R.A., and in a vivid flash of lightning, also contrived by the same talented Artist, arose a Head, wearing a Judge’s wig, whose features were at as recognised by everyone present as those of The Last of the arons. Macbeth, Tell me, thou unknown power ! First Witch. He knows thy thought. Second Witch. Hear his speech, but say thou nought. Third Witch. Or be committed for contempt of Court. The Last of the Barons then made a few learned observations on Art in general and experts in particular, and after making a few learned observations on Art and experts, the Baron was courteously dismissed, cigars and liquors were produced, and dancing round the Cauldron was kept up to a late hour. THE FRENCH ANDROMEDA. Wantep a Perseus! There she stands, poor France, Helpless and faction-shackled, with wild eyes Watching the red-gorged monster’s slow advance, Oh, issue sad of warring vanities ! ’T was Cassiopea’s boastings brought black fate On snowy-limbed Andromeda of old. Where’s he, who in the interest of the State Will make, with resolution calm and bold, A holocaust of self, of all the small Hot-raging egoisms that enmesh What else were great? Where’s he, not Who the clean Souarghe blade of Tru Fast in the common foe? Must every man Of modern Frenchmen, valorously vain, Play Cepheus to his country, blindly plan | To forge fresh links for her disab. chain, What time the monster nearer nearer creeps, And the Gods laugh, and the deliverer sleeps ? assion’s thrall, will flesh Qurry aND Expiawation.—At an entertainment given by Mr. Bass at the Brewery, Burton-on-Trent, to his merry men and many others, the Opera of Lucrezia Borgia was performed. But why have played Lucrezia Borgia? Why, asks our friend Wace, didn’t Mr. Bass or Sir ARTHUR select something from M&YER-BEER? The answer is evident. The satirical M.P. for Burton-on-Melancholy —no, on Trent,—chose Lucrezia Borgia] because, at the the Opera, all the guests are poisoned by wine, are staggering to their bier. Oh, Basso Profondo ! out Tse Morro or THE Demon Driver.—‘ Hurrah for the—Wrong side of the—Road !”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 10, 1883.

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THE FRENCH ANDROMEDA; OR, WANTED, A PERSEUS.

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Frsruary 10, 1883,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ‘pes OWE MEETING, | | H a | | PAY‘ Here | IROVALCCue.menic. | SVB ICRI PIONS | on FING i \ Ve ‘4x yA) a LY ~ Al ———— . “> TS la J wa =~ 2 HE COW JUMPED OVER THE. MOON ROYAL MUSICAL COLLEGIATE NURSERY RHYME. In THE CALDECOTTIAN STYLE. TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA. ‘* For myself I am never satisfied that I have handled a subject properly till I have contradicted myself at least three times.’—Mr. Ruskin at Oxford. Three Notes on above from an Undergraduate’s Diary. ReTuRNED from lecture stumped and thoughtful. Wonderful things the old boy says about colour. Odd idea that, now, of his to have a fresh bit of rock-opal on the table, and dip it into a bucket of water, to test one’s sensibility to prismatic beauty. Mem.—To try it. Order a pound or two in from Sprers. Can't quite believe, though, it will show anything that will be a patch upon our Boating- Club colours. What does he mean, too, by this ? ‘‘Entirely common and vulgar compared with these, yet to be noticed as completing the crystalline or vitreous system, we have the colours of gems. The green of the emerald is the best of these; but, at its best, is as vulgar as house-painting beside the green of birds’ plumage, or of clear water.” Don’t fancy FLorEnceE will see this, and give up sporting her engage- ment-ring. ‘ ing of that dusty weather-beaten old parrot in the High? And as to Birds’ plumage,”—that must be bosh. He'can’t be think- bo clear water,—come, [’ll back an average emerald a well any day. Perhaps, though, he had Sandford L gainst the Cher- asher in his eye ? Shouldn’t wonder :—still, than can be seen in the world, except in clouds.” been walking on Sunday afternoon to the to take it at its best,—it’s not what I should call a “‘killing’’ sort of green. However, I’ll turn it all over as soon as Spres sends in the opal. ‘‘It presents more lovely colours Evidently, he has | stag of Shotover to see the sun over Carfax in a fog. No accounting for taste, but—well— if it comes to clouds—give me a three-vol. novel, and a pipe full of bird’s-eye. 7 - + * * Quite converted by that last lecture, and no mistake. Am so glad. I went through the whole course. Mind quite changed again now. Break off engagement with FiorEncr, because she won’t give up wearin _ that staring, vulgar, gimcrack, emerald hoop, and take to a little natural ring of freshly-picked chick- weed. Very nasty of her, I think, and really vile taste! Never mind—J can keep it up. Go into chapel crowned with moist cabbage-leaves. Fined; but no matter. Hide my Uncle’s carbuncle signet-ring, explaining to him that ‘‘ unless set in tinfoil,” it is not prettier than the ‘‘seed of a pomegranate,” and that he must live up to a higher standard of Art. Calls me an “upstart jackanapes,” and strikes me out of his will. Console myself by emptying a jug of clear crystal water on the head of the Regius Professor o Divinity. When he sends for the Proctor, — to him that the omnes irer of colour can see less glory in the priceless iamond than in the simple dewdrop, and that as he is drip ing from head to foot, he awakens in me a feeling of unbound mi- ration. He says, that ‘ may or mayn’t be,” but that he suffers badly from rheumatism, and he’ll have’me “sent down for a term or two.” Celebrate my departure by an oyster-shell supper. When some of the men want to throw me out of window, try to make them understand that the real beauty of the oyster is not the miserable fish one eats, but the glorious corruscating oreciousness of the nacre of the shells one looks at. Ducked. Hit out right and left. Give the Senior Censor, who intervenes, ‘‘ one for him- self” by mistake. Says, for the moment he sees ‘‘the purest rain- w-tints, as glistening in meridian sunshine on a butterfly’s wing,” all at once in his right eye. Quite believe him. Rusticated. Never mind. Take rock-opal with me ina carpet-bag. ‘ Changed my mind again. Must be right this time. Made it up with Fiorence. Just read in my lecture-notes, ‘‘ The ruby is like an ill-dyed and half-washed-out print compared to the dianthus.” ! Mem.—Give FLorEnce a complete set on the spot. Married to-morrow. Don’t talk to me of “‘ the delicate harmony of shade in the sea-washed tracery of virgin coral.” I mean to be married ina blue coat with brass buttons, and a red tie,—and then live in a stucco- fronted house, with cheap cast-iron raili and a pea-green door. It isn’t exactly what I meant to do when I first went in for the StavE Professor’s lectures, but as I have contradicted myself and everybody else at least three times, I ought to feel tolerably satisfied that I’m right at last. Mem on final note.—‘ In reverence is the chief power and joy of life.”” Now, what does the old boy meen by ~~ P———I have it! Of course,—Zhrow the rock-opal at my father- in-law,

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70 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 10, 1883. THE GAIETY NOVICE. ** FarquHak” is a name in connection with the Stage. —. the end of a Seven- teen mtury young F'arquHaR, who was subsequently to make a brilliant reputation as a dra- matic author, offered himself to a a as - Fr nace and = accepted, “probably,” says his biographer, R asa godsend being a young gentleman from College, 4 and he came out as Othello. Fortunately for his future-author- ship, FarquHar had every quali- fication for the Stage, except that he couldn’t act. He had no voice, no confidence in himself, and never got over “stage fright.” He probably murdered several characters before he acci- dentally stabbed a brother Actor when playing in DrypEn’s Indian Emperor, after which, having made this one hit, he quitted the Stage for ever. His namesake, who appeared at a matinée some ten days ago, does not suffer from want of con- fidence or from lack of voice. He made a very creditable be- ing as an amateur, and, as = chose this method of intro- ducing himself to the notice of London Managers anxious to en- gage a young man of fashion, we may look upon ‘Gillie’s” first appearance at the Gaiety as a modern version of FaRQUHAR’S Beaux’ Stratagem. =——=———_ Shakspeare Adapted. (For the Use of the Conservative Leaders.) You cannot hold the Tories well in hand By railing at the Liberal Cau- cuses | PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 122. s«& LIEUT.-COLONEL JAMES R. FARQUHARSON, ‘* My foot 's upon my native heath— My name, MoMas#erR!” WHY BRIGHTON IS CHOSEN For THE Easter REVIEW. Because the Committee of the Commanding Officers are fond of special trains. a Because the town authorities have not forgotten the attacks of the Lancet. Because Colonels of Volunteers are greater men on the South Coast than at Aldershot. Because a a deal may be learned by military men on the West Pier and at the Aquarium. Because Portsmouth has enough of *‘ Citizen Soldiers” for the present. Because ‘‘our great standing camp’”’ is not exactly the place for amateurs. Because Prince Epwarp thinks it within —_ railway distance of his Command. Because the Corporation of “‘ the Queen of Watering-places” find trade bad. Because no one expects the “Sham Fight” to be of an military service to anyone, an therefore, that one place will do as well as any other. Finally,—because ‘‘ the Duke” has no objection. Now that the enly Frenchman pape Sh pn lhe Bm epa we mus y become accustomed to regard the world-renowned ductor, Mr. Coox, as the ‘‘ Dic- tator of Tours.” THE nearest approach to Mid- lothian the Premise could make when forced to go abroad for his well-earned rest, was ‘* The Cha- teau Scott.” Rob Roy. “THE SILVER THAMES.” Mr. Ponca’s great motto, as all the world knows, is ‘‘ Justice to all!” Bearing this in mind, although he has had many a good hearty laugh, and trusts to have many more at some of the funny and old-fashioned and cumbersome doings of the old City Corporation, he has always borne willing testimony to their many good deeds for the benefit of the whole Metropolis. For instance, he hears nothing but good accounts on all hands of the admirable school they have just opened on the Thames Embankment, on which they have lavished their wealth with an hand, thanks, in no small degree, to the exertions of the energetic Chairman of the hool Committee. He also hears from his numerous staff of young men who are constantly employed, at enormous salaries, in yew , eg oe and other important literary work, that the Guild ree Library is as near perfec- tion as a Free Lib can well be. Free admission to all, early and late, a priceless collection of books, a most courteous Librarian, and caref ready attendants. Then, in, Mr. Punch can speak from his own Fires experience of the magnificence of their latest gift, for, fearless of risk, or even of the probable subsequent discomfort, he rode lately, accompanied by two of his trusty lieutenants, for hours through Epping Forest, and although his critical eye saw many things that might be easily improved, he bears willing testimony to the priceless value of this ; acquisition. And now, again, when not only public gratifica- tion and public recreation, but even public health is imperilled by the polluted condition of our noble river, the old Corporation is again to the fore, not as in the olden time, struggling and battling for the rights and liberties of the people, but for their comfort, their enjoyment, and their health. For a long time past reports have been rife as to the simply dis- gusting state of the Thames in the neighbourhood of the outfalls of the Main Drainage System at ess and Barking. Complaints by the Corporation to the Metropolitan Board of Works being of no avail, they applied to the Seldom-at-Home Secretary, who has at length woke up and procured the appointment of a Royal Commission to inquire into this most important matter. Strange to say, the Commissioners have resolved to sit with closed doors. No one except the officers and witnesses of the Corporation, who are the Plaintiffs, and of the Metropolitan Board of Works, who are the Defendants, is allowed to enter the sacred chamber, or to reveal one word of the important evidence given. This being the case, Mr. Punch, as usual, comes to the rescue, and sympathising with the natural impatience of the Public to know the facts of the case without that delay that seems inseparable from Royal Commissions, he has again summoned to his aid his Own City Commissioner, whose Reports upon the Livery yey of the City, lately published, have so exhausted the subject that the Royal Commissioners are said to have adjourned sine die. This Gen eman, with that alacrity that is as praiseworthy in a Commissioner as it is unusual, has held several sittings, and has now forwarded a copy of a portion of the evidence taken :— No. I.—CAPTAIN CROSSTREE. Our Own Commissioner. Well, Captain, you know the importance of the inquiry I am now commencing. What can you tell me of the state of the River ? Captain Crosstree. Well, Sir, I have been on it almost daily for the last ten years, as master of one of the river steamers, and it seems to me to get worse and worse every year.

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Fesrvary 10, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. *“FOR EXAMPLE.” Miss Netherblew, ‘‘ WILL YOU ADVISE ME AS TO PRINTING AND POBLISHING, Mz. SreRREoGH? I HAVE A LITTLE WORK READY FOR THE PRESS, BUT HAVE HAD NO EXPERIENCE——” Gallant Publisher. *‘My DEAR MapAM, PaINTING AND POBLISHING ARE VERY DIFFERENT THINGS. FoR INSTANCE, IF I Print A Kiss on your Rosy CHEEK, IT IS NOT AT ALL NECESSARY TO POBLISH IT!” Miss Netherblew. **Sm1” [Tableau ! Our Own C. Have you any doubt of the cause of this terrible state of things ? C. C. None at all. It all arises from the fearful blunder of emptying all the sewage of the Metropolis into the River instead of into the Sea. F _ Our Own C. Can you tell me anything like the quantity pumped into the River ? . C. C. Yes. I have a nephew employed at Abbey Mills as a stoker, and he told me once that they reckoned it at about a hundred millions of gallons a ~ Our Own C. A hundred million gallons a day! Surely there must be some mistake ! ; C. C. No, Sir, there is no mistake. And I believe it’s much worse than even that. Our Own C. Why? . _ C. C, Because the receptacles at the pumping stations are so insufficient in size, that they are sometimes obligated to turn the sewage into the River at least two hours before high water. ; Our Own C. And what is the effect of that outrageous proceeding? C. C. Why, that instead of the ebb tide carrying the sewage towards the Sea, the flood tide carries it towards London. Our Own C. Really, Captain, this is hardly credible. C. C. It’s quite true, Sir, and they are now about to enlarge the receptacles in consequence. Our Own C. How does all this affect you and your men ? _ C. C. Well, you see, Sir, we are pretty well used to it by this time, but it’s cruel work when the weather ’s at all warm or close. *ve sometimes known every man of the crew to be as sick as so many land-lubbers on their fest sea-voyage. Own C. Thanks, Captain, that vin do for to-day, and I am Our much obliged for your very interesting and important evidence. Cc. Cc, yee quite welcome, Sir. And if anything can be done to improve matters, it will be a real blessing to the thousands of poor men and women and dear little children who take a run down the River on their rare holidays. [He retires. No. IL—JAMES BOSHER. Our Own Commissioner. Well, Mr. BosnEn, I am informed that you can give me some information of a peculiarly interesting charac- ter as to the condition of the River. _ James Bosher. Well, yes, Sir, I think I knows a thing or two. P’raps as much as most people. ‘ Our Own C. Are you often on the River ? J. - Yes, Sir; almost every day when the water’s pretty smooth. Our Own C. I suppose you avoid the neighbourhood of Crossness as much as possible ? ; J. B. (smsling). Oh, no, quite the contrary. I spends hours and hours within a very short distance of it. I shouldn’t go on the River at all if it wasn’t for blooming Crossness. Our Own C. You really quite surprise me. object in going there ? J. B. Business. : ; Our Own C. Business! Why, what business, in the name of all that’s wonderful ? . J. B. (smiling again). Why, the fact is, Sir, I’m one of them true atriots who objects to anything in the shape of waste, and so I evotes my ao ee time to skimming the River near Crossness of a very valuable oil, which I afterwards, by the aid of certain chemi- cals, convert into a certain article of daily consumption, which is sold by the pound under the name of butt—— Our Own C. (hurriedly). That will do—that will do for to-day. [He departs abruptly. (To be continued.) Pray what is your Mrs. RamssotHaM, thinking that she was quoting the proverb correctly, said, ‘‘ hi! aman with a large family has indeed ‘ given ostriches to fortune.’ Nothing can be truer, my dear, for just think of the appetite of an ostrich.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesruary 10, 1883. JUSTICE OUT IN THE COLD. (Or, what may be expected before Easter.) ail Ih, Wy hall { ive Ce a li | re y Scense—JInterior of one of the Royal Courts just opened, during the trial of a Civil Action. General Chorus of sneezing and cough- ing. Sounds of hammering, and occasional alarms, alarums and excursions, to which the Bench and Bar pay no attention, having become acclimatised to their occurrence. The Judge (speaking through a storm-trumpet, and interrupting a ovete-cama fore we p with the further hearing of this matter, I must really restore the circulation to my feet by a little more exercise. Rises, and walks rapidly up and down the bench. Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. (also through a storm-trumpet). If I might make a suggestion, my Lord, I would suggest that your Lordship would get considerable relief by adopting the course pursued by my learned friends and myself. We are standing in foot-baths filled with hot water. The Judge (doubtfully). Have you any authority for that ? Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. (handing up report). Yes, my Lord, the Master of the Rolls, in a recent case, permitted a Counsel to appear before him with his feet encased in a brief-bag. The Judge. Well, then, I think I may go so far myself as to rest my legs on a hot-bottle. Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. As your Lordship pleases. Foreman of the Jury (shouting in chorus). The Jury wish to say, my Lord, that they have been much more comfortable since they have been supplied with a stock of warming-pans. _ The Judge (bowing). I am very glad to hear it. (After consulta- tion with sundry grog? I may take this ——s of men- tioning that I find the hot-bottle extremely valuable, and that I have no doubt I shall be able to sit to-morrow continuously, as my chairs and tables are to be fitted with gas-stoves. Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. With your Lordship’s permission, I will now continue the cross-examination of the witness in the box. (Turning to his Junior.) Kindly hold my respirator. The Judge. I don’t want to interfere with your mode of conduct- ing this case, Mr. WieBLock, but I notice that you have taken off the woollen comforter you have been wearing since the commence- ment of the proceedings. Now I would put it to you—is this wise ? Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. I would submit to your Lordship that my woollen comforter rather detracts from the dignity of my appear- ance, and, as I feel the necessity of impressing this Witness with the majesty of the Law, I have thought it advisable to discard it. I may add that I have not ventured to pursue this course until after consultation with my learned friends associated with me in this case. The Judge. Just so. But I may remind you, as I have no wish to take you by surprise, that you have already confessed to a foot-bath. Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. Which is out of sight, my Lord. The Judge. No doubt,—no doubt. But any reasonable person will form his own deduction when he sees the Solicitor by whom you are instructed continually handing you over cans of hot water. Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. Certainly, my Lord, although there is no direct evidence of what becomes of the cans, or, indeed, the hot water. The Judge. Except your own admission. Well, I say no more. My only wish is to assist. I have no desire to dictate to Counsel. But I presume no objection will be raised to my wearing my cap. I admit that it is customary only to assume it when passing a sentence of death, but the draughts up here are so unbearable that a head- covering of some sort is most comforting—nay, absolutely necessary. Mr. Wigblock, Q.C, As your Lordship observes, it is not a usual course. The Judge. But as you say that the Witness requires impressing with the majesty of the Law, it has occurred to me that my black cap may possibly help you in creating the desired impression. I merely throw out the suggestion. Mr. Wigblock, Q.C. I have no wish to raise a issue, and, co uently, I bow to your Lordship’s wishes. (Turning to Witness-Bozx.) And now, Sir, attend tome. During our conver- sation you have had plenty of time to collect your thoughts. Now then, Sir, on your oath, did you or did you not poke the fire in the Plaintiff's presence on the occasion to which I have just referred ? Now, Sir,—yes or no. (4 pause.) Yes or no, Sir? (4 pause.) Out with it! We must have your answer. Now then, Sir, your answer ! Usher (after a long pause). Please, Sir, the Witness can’t answer. He’s frozen to death ! . The Judge. Indeed! (Briskly.) Gentlemen of the Jury, having, I regret to say, had many cases of this kind, we have decided upon a mode of procedure. The Court will stand adjourned until after the inquest ! { Curtain. int on a side HYGIEA VICTRIX. **Tt not unfrequently turns out that if the dwelling on which the learning and skill of the Sanitarian have been expended had been left to Nature, or to the primitive appliances which were almost on a level with it, the inmates could not have been worse situated.’’—Standard. I’ve built a house, and, at a glance, You see it’s not an ancient plan, For it has all that can enhance The comfort of the modern man. I’ve dozens of electric lights, — A — in this murky wea- ther,— And yet they give me awful frights By going out, and all together. I have a wondrous kitchen-range, hereon with scorn my serv- ants look,— A patent,— but I soon must change ; ’Tis patent that it will not cook. A network of strange pipes is spre Around me—most expensive toys: q I searcely sleep when I’m in The Sanitary Engineer ‘ ’ Comes in to see me thrice a| My ventilators make such noise. week ; I stand in most exceeding fear We’re warmed by every sort of Of any words that he may stove : = ay And yet Toften think, by Jove! know they mean more open et I often think, by Jove . ains, oj I d rather have a cheerful And tons of pipes before us carted ; And still, in spite of these my pains, Bad odours have not all de- parted. I try each Richardsonian craze, And Sanitarian’s idea, And feel I’m shortening my days In this wild worship of Hygiea. NOTE FROM CANNES. DELIGHT OF FRENCH BLANCHISSEUSES WHEN WASHING THE G. O. M.’s CoLLaRs, — € TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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—_— Fesruary 17, 1883,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 73 A NOVELTY. Tue new ‘‘ Photo-filigrane ”’ note-paper and visiting-cards, vars os Mr. W. H. Woop- BURY, and published by Messrs. Brown, BaRNEs AND B&LL, Photographers. You can write over your own portrait, art- fully concealed within the sheet, and only discoverable by the uninitiated reader, when after vainly endeavour- ing to brush something off the paper—he can’t tell what— ed feeling that he must either send for a doctor, or give up everything he has been in the habit of taking freely at once, he holds the letter up to the light, and finds the photograph of the writer. It is pro to develope this new inven- tio in cheque-books, pro- missory-notes, bills, scrip, and debentures, which last will always have the portrait of the holder, and those of the two signing Directors. It is likely to lead to a good deal of heartburnings and jea- lousies, and rows generally in private families, and may safely recommended to disappointed lovers. When you don’t recognise the name on a Photofiligrane yn A card, you have only to hold it up to the light. “Oh, that fellow, is it? All right, Joun: mind I’m not at home when that gentleman calls!” It has its advantages, un- doubtedly. “Caprrat place for luncheon is the Criterion,” said Mrs. RamsporHam, “‘after a long morning’s shopping. As my Uncle the Dean says, ‘ Dum Spiro Pondo !’” PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 123. JAMES STAATS FORBES, ESQ., L.C.D, AND D.R. ‘* Keep your eye on your Chairman, and your Chairman will pull you through.” A DRAMATIC TONIC. Amonest all the fashionable Drama-olatory—Actor-olatory, and even Theatre-olatory, it is as refreshing as a tonic to find one body of men, however mistaken, who boldly oppose tic entertainments in any -— and give, as a reason, young men are better. without them. The Vice- or and the Heads * — se the pp oe 0 m . are perfectly within their legal right in holding these opinions and acting upon them, and the townspeople are perfectly thi right in opposing Colle os the . Our own inion is, that the Drama, form, for Undergrad: ieeny or uates many time-honoured dissipations that are found in every Uni- versity City. Verbum sap. A SONG OF SOUTH LONDON. Arn.—* Mary had a little Lamb.” Lonpon had a demon Tram, , lumbering, — noisy, * Ww > And everywhere that London wen That Tram was sure to go. An Ogre-pet, a Frankenstein ; Where’er man’s footsteps fe Was heard the thunder of its tramp, The tinkling of its bell. Oh, Nature! your so vaunted course Is surely but a sham, You “bring not back the Mastodon,” But will you take the Tram ? Toole's Trite Sayings. “ Stay” not! Trust Lady HagBeRton, Try the divided skirt. Most parlous is your state, Your only hope of cure Lies—try it ere too late— In dual garmenture. “Stay” not! not ! Sung by Dr. r No longer don Tight cincture to your hurt, “ Stay ” “STAY” NOT! THE SURGEON’S SONG TO THE SEX, Richardson. ‘Stay’ not! The torturing steel, The rib-compressing lace, Will mar the human weal, Will wreck the human race. What profits waist of wasp, Shape on the hour-glass model, When you don’t breathe, but gasp, en you don’t walk, but waddle ? “Stay” not! “Stay” not! [And they stay not—to listen, BerHEtL, who, if Within Was it ever ex former, then— THE case against the Sir Per se Shelley Theatre is adjourned for an entr’acte of a fortnight. The talented Baronet is probably now con- sidering Shelley or Shelley not come to terms with Mr. Suinessy there is anything in a name, evidently resides a stone’s throw of Sir Per-se’s House of Entertainment. But ted that there could be anything but a difficulty when a small Theatre and a little Bethel were in the same street ? If peace be restored to the -latter, and piece be permitted in the All’s welly that ends welly, In the House of Percy SHELLEY. — Tae Biack-Lxas or THE Tur¥.—Girlettes on the Tennis-Lawn. BUMBLEDOM AGAIN. THE longer Bumbledom exists, the more wonderfal it becomes, especially at Christmas time. Its finest qualities are always brought out by contact with ‘‘ entertainments.”? When a liberal Theatrical Manager offers a few hours free amusement to people who are com- pelled to live upon the charity of ratepayers, it is not uncommon to tind the Poor-Law Guardians refusing such a gift on behalf of the wretched creatures under their on and priding themselves on their self-denial. It is so easy to refuse something which is given by somebody to somebody else,—something which deprives the Stoic of no appreciable pleasure. Much as Bumbledom has distingui itself in connection with firmness of this order, it has been left for the Guardians of a somewhat unsavoury Eastern Parish to go sti further. The Shoreditch Guardians have suddenly discovered that all children unfortunate enough to be what is ** illegitimate ” are not entitled to witness an exhibition of dissolving views. What lawfully-begotten idiot first hit upon this new development of Bum- bledom, it is impossible to say, but the decision, we believe, was approved ‘of and acted upon. In this neighbourhood of fried fish an ae a a Lady has been striving for years, at great cost and trouble, to show the world what practical ty is, and it appears that she has taught the world, but has not taught Shore- ditch. Shoreditch has perhaps never heard of Lady Burpsrt- Courts, or the good Samaritan, and may regard the cloak of Charity as merely a specimen of ‘‘old clothes.” Experientia Docet.—Proverb for the First Commissioner of Works to mutter as he surveys the dismounted Duke.—“‘ Put a statue on horseback, and it’s the very deuce to get him down again. VOL, LXxxIv.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruany 17, 1883. | - ma ma Way “fot \ s Weta \ \) VV AA : , RA a Nats vs LORY RY LAR AN Hdlih livid THE MAIDEN’S POINT OF VIEW. Mamma (to Maud, who has been with her Brother to the Play, and is full of it), ‘‘Bur WAS THERE NO LOVE IN THE PIECE, THEN?” Maud. ‘‘Love? Of DEAR NO, Mamma. you KNow!” How COULD THERE BE? THE PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS WERE HUSBAND AND WéHFs, THE POOR DUKE. (A Legend of Hyde Park and Piccadilly.) ‘** ForwaxzD, my brave charger!” cried the Iron Horseman, as he ponderously rode away from the site of St. George’s Hospital towards the south side of the Thames. ‘‘At least I know where to finda home. I shall be honoured there!” As he passed by the Houses of Parliament he was greeted with moans. ** Do not stay here!’ cried a number of statues in chorus. ‘‘ We are 80 triste, and no one takes the trouble to read our inscriptions! ”’ “Certainly not,” replied his Grace. ‘‘I never intended to abide with ye. My place is on the roof of that temple dedicated to my grandest victory,” and he continued his way across the bridge, and reached the Amphitheatre. . “*Mustn’t loiter here, Sir,” observed a policeman, as he noticed the grimy horseman taking up a commanding position in the centre of the road. ‘‘ The trams have stopped running for the night, but they will be beginning again presently.” ‘*Tell me,” replied the Iron One, ‘* Is not this Astley’s ?”’ **That’s what it used to be called; but now it’s Sanger’s.”’ “Sancer! Sanecer!” murm his Grace. ‘‘ Never heard of him! Well, and how did the Battle fo last night ?” ** What Battle, Sir?” asked the policeman. “Why, the Battle of Waterloo. Surely they played it P?” ‘Played it!’ replied the custodian of the law. ‘‘ Why, Sir, they haven’t played that for the last twenty years or more! Why, it’s almost forgotten.” The Iron Duke uttered a moan, and galloped away. ** And this is fame!” he cried, as he crossed Blackfriars Bridge, and cantered down the Embankment. ‘‘This is fame! Even Astley’s knows me not!” m ** You, surely, are not going to join us!’ exclaimed Jonw SrvaRt who seemed to be seated on a chair charged with ee. ~~ oe how dull Brunet and I find it watching the ** You cannot And, pardon me, your horse would frighten the peony steamboa' soms,”’ The Iron Duke shook his head sorrowfully, and hurried to Charing TOSS. ‘Ah, your Grace, you have come here at last!” exclaimed the First Gentleman of Europe. ‘‘ Very pleased to see you. We wanted another equestrian statue to balance mine. Gad, Sir, what could make a better pair than the King and the Duke—the two Heroes of Waterloo!” : ‘* You are very good, Sire,” replied the Iron One. ‘‘ But if I stay anywhere, it will be with Havetock and Naprer—not with you. You want a contrast as great as poison and antidote. I resign my claim in favour of THACKERAY.” — y is Grace penee on, leaving GzoRGE THE FourtH in his obesity puffing wit jas (acre , : ** What—what—what!” piped a squeaking voice at the corner of the Haymarket. ‘‘Ah, WreLtrneton! Yes—yes—yes! Distin- guished himself in India and other places. Stay—stay—stay! Eh—eh—eh! What—what—what!” “‘ Sorry I must bid adieu to your Majesty. I am weary, and am anxious to get to rest. One hideous monument is sufficient, without the addition of another!” And with this the Statue once more entered Piccadilly, and sor- rowfully rode to Hyde Park. ‘* There is no fit resting-place for me anywhere!” he murmured mournfully. ‘‘ Where shall I hide myself? When shall I shake off the ridioule I deprecated in my letter to the Duke of RurLanp more than half a century P Ah, a happy thought strikes me! Pie it shall be done! And atonce! Good night, Apsley House! ight, Achilles’ Statue! Good night, ym Ge night!” "Tavten this, the Duke took a plunge, and sank to rest for ever— in the bed of the Serpentine! And there—with the profoundest respect—it is best to leave him ! HULLABALLOO ! SoMEONE, we observe, is advertised as ‘‘ the celebrated Bellewesque elocutionist.” If he overdid it, he would probably be known 38 ‘* the Bellowesque contortionist.”

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> ee @D ws tt sored Ferrvaky 17, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL - = Mm o> \\ “ Ir (Oy DB, M ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, MP. House of Commons, Thursday (anticipatory).— Members all back as delighted as if they were going away. Everybody shaking hands with everybody else. Prter RyianDs doing the honours of the place, as it were ; quite in boisterous spirits. “* Another good Under-Secretaryship gone wrong,” Drummonp-WOLFF slily whispers in his ear. ‘* You’d better come over and join us.” “Thanks ; but I'll wait a bit longer,” Peter says. ‘* CuripErs was all very well at the War Office ; it’s different at the ag oy ol I give him six months there, then there may be a call for a man who finance at his finger's ends, is trusted by the country, and is a pretty fair speaker.” BrapiaveH in high spirits. Tells me he’s been round spending half an hour with Gosser practising the steps. Sergeant-at-Arms, it seems, who has not forgotten his old skull, wants to reverse when they waltz backward from the Mace. After the practice of three Sessions, BkapLaven can do the forward step well enough, but finds it hard to reverse. Still means to try. tain The = of the country are upon us,” he says, ‘‘and we must do the ng well. Black Rod arrived shortly after two o'clock. Door shut in his face as he

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76 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Fesrvary 17, 1883,

walked across lobby. Sir Writ1am Kwottys too much of a gentleman to take notice of this. They let him in after he'd given three raps that shook the door. W: up, bowing to the Mace with ease and sy ing back was the difficulty. . BRADLAUGH, from under the Gallery, looked on with inte- rest. Thought at one time he was going to offer to accompany Black Rod to the door. Capital opportunity of practising the reverse step. But gave up notion, and, amid breathless attention, Black Rod bowed himself out backwards. Everybody relieved when crisis passed. No precedent for dealing with Black Rod when prone on his back on floor of House of Commons. Sure to do the wrong thing. The House of Lords would raise question of privilege, and on very threshold of Session there’d be conflict between two Houses. Allrushed off after SPEAKER to other House, where Lorp CHANCELLOR e . : . up like an old butterwoman in red cloak gotchas with white rabbit-skin, lugubriously read the Queen’s peech. Not liking to push and scramble like some Hon. Members, I got a little behind, where couldn’t hear very well. But, as far as could gather, Speech ran thusly :— “* My Lorps anp GENTLEMEN, : “Ir is with more than usual satisfaction I again invite your advice and assistance in the conduct of public affairs. Not but what in your absence things have been going along pretty smoothly. Indeed, I sometimes think of recurring to the example of some of my ancestors of the Plantagenet line, and giving you a few years’ recess right off, = GENTLEMEN OF THE HovsE or Commons, You, in particular, are inclined to be meddlesome, poking your honourable nose into all kinds of things, worrying our trust and well-beloved counsellor, Sir Coartes DitKe, and unduly an bere | Gants — 3 rs —_ seers any <n hg A pretty mess you wo ve e e tian Question, supposing ou’d been permitted to revel in the ssiesiios of the negotiation! A ull in a china shop, an elephant in an egg-store, would have been harmless and adroit as compared with you. Now, we’ve managed it nicely and quietly, got our own way in ome shown Europe that we are Diplomatists as well as soldiers, an raised the prestige of England to a point at which it has not stood since the days of Prrr. * You are all very in your way, especially when money is wanted—and, by the way, I may here mention that the Estimates for the service of the year are in an advanced state of preparation, and rill be promptly submitted to you—but what with your inconve- nient questions, your party mancuvres, your intervention, and your non-intervention, your sentimentality and impracticability, your habit, in short, of playing to the ry, you are sometimes best away. As 1 BEACONSFIELD used to say, ‘ Parliamentary Govern- ment would he impossible but for the Recess.’ ‘* My Lorps aNnD GENTLEMEN, _. ‘I trust we shall not have any time wasted this Session by conflicts between your two Hon. Houses. There was a good deal too much of this last year. We all mean business this Session, and I look forward to the opportunity, early in August, of congratulating = upon the amount of useful work accomplished. Both at ome and abroad affairs are in a condition which leave you time to mind your own business, Whilst we were prancing abroad, getting up wars, little and big, and at home were misgoverning Ire- land, my people in England, Scotland, and Wales have been woefully neglected. Now that all the running accounts of our spirited Foreign Policy in Europe, Asia, and Africa are yy wd closed, and when Ireland is in a more settled condition than it has been for six years, let us give the other parts of my Empire a turn: Bend your — souls to the Bankruptcy Bill. Curb your boundless aspirations to the level of the ee of London Bill, the Con- solidation of the ion of Corrupt Practices

Commencement of Lent. Peter refusing a Little Party. r Criminal Code, at Elections, the <p | of Rivers, and the Prevention of Floods. In brief, talk less do more, and so shall your wisdom —~ = prove equal to the varied and increasing needs of this exten . Thought Lord Sz~sorne’s emotion would have choked him. cely a dry eye in the assembly when he finis Then all away to come back at four o’clock, and see the revival of the favourite Westminster piece, Pas de ; or, The Mace, the Speaker, and the Bounding Brothers.

PECULIAR Illustration of the ‘Canny Scot ’—The Chateau Scott, annes.

WAITING AN ANSWER. A “Justice of THE PEAcE” complained the other day in the columns of a contemporary that the use of the honoured affix, “J. P.,” was not solely restricted, as it ought to be, to the magnates of his own order, to wit, the County Magistrates *‘ chosen from the chief landowners and men of position in the county,” but was borne equally by “‘ Brown, Jonzs, and RoBInson, small shopkeepers, with jurisdiction in their own small borough only.” Let such small fry adds the indignant County Justice, ‘‘be satisfied by being called = of x on — h, 4 . ag tty Mr. Fag ea not in oe it of troubling himself with the petty squabbles of puny people but as the rather too often repeated phrase “‘ Justices’ Sustice” occurs to him, he confesses to being struck with a certain stolid robustness about the intelligence of this particular J.P. He had always been under the impression that some of the worst decisions in the three kingdoms invariably emanated from provincial benches graced not by Brown, JonEs, and Rosrnson, the small shopkeepers of the borough, but by the very bigwigs, “‘ the chief landowners and men of position in the County,” to whom the J.P. in question (who might also sign himself 8.N.0.B.) so proudly refers. By the way, did not the unhappy woman sent up only last week, in a dying condition, from Guildford to Westminster,—and of whose case—for it was a terrible and sorry one—Mr. Punch hopes he has rend gx heard the last,—receive her gentle sentence of three months’ hard labour for the heinous offence of sleeping in an outhouse, one of these same rural Solomons? If so, the less for the moment the — hear about such worthies in a vaunting key, the better. Anyhow, Mr. Punch puts the question; and, in the interests not only of peace and justice, but of common humanity, if there is any satisfactory reply to it forthcoming that will clear the fair fame of a J.P. or of anybody else, he will be mightily glad to hear it. Mr. Punch waits an answer.

POETICAL LICENCES, WE understand that a new feature will shortly be added to the Inland Revenue by the introduction of a Poetical Licence tax. By a curious coincidence, which is only an additional proof of the great- ness of our nation and the readiness with which the people of these islands resent any interference with their liberties, attention of the Government has been drawn simultaneously from all quarters of Britain to the extraordinary extravagance and waste which has been permitted in the human mind by the reproduction, annually, of what is known as the ‘rhetoric of the recess,” and the increasing exuberance of volumes of poetry and sermons by budding poets and country clergymen. The new licence, unlike those for dogs and guns, will vary according to the requirements of the applicant. untry residents will be supplied at the local post-offices ; the post- master to decide whether the application shall be granted or not. It is expected that the new measure will be oad taken advantage of by the Editors of the leading London journals.

‘*Reapy, AYE Reapy!’’—Mr. Punch begs to acknowledge the receipt of a Five-pound Note from ‘‘ A Constant SuBSscRIBER,” * in enerous response to the Life-Boat verses in last week’s number. he donation has been forwarded to the National Life-Boat Fund. * What does this signature mean? ‘A Constant Subscriber” of Five- pound Notes? How nice!

“WHAT WILL HE DO WITH HIM?” Tue First Commissioner wants to know where on earth, or under the earth, he’s to put him? He can’t go dragging this thing about with him all over London,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDoypqARIV! \ SON y. \ = ~ INS - \ = \ A yy S ’ ’ S ~~ \\ \ Y \ - \\ AV Wa (\i\ ] NN \ \\\y; A ; . \ \ OUR OPENID : (FIRST TABLEAU AS ARRANGED BY

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(DOWEHARIVARL—Fesevary 17, 1883. ENING DAY. GED BY THE G. 0. M. AT CANNES.) ——— ————

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Fesrvary 17, 1883,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81 = eee WONDERS OF NATURAL HISTORY. Intelligent Child, ‘‘ WHAT A STRANGE THING IT IS THAT THE ANIMAL WHICH FURNISHES OUR COMBS SHOULD HAVE 8O REMARKABLY LITTLE Harr!” AN ADVERTISING SUGGESTION. THE ingenuity of most Theatrical Managers in discovering new ways of recommending their productions to the Public being nearly exhausted, it has occurred to us that the good old form first used, we believe, by Professor Hotio- way, might be revived with advantage. The clerical certificate has been tried with success, and there is no reason why a form of approval such as used to be signed by the “‘ Earl of AtpBoroveH ” should not help to fill the overgorged advertising columns of the daily press. We give a fewskeleton forms which can be filled up according to the taste and enterprise of the Managers :— For a Buriesquve-HovseE. “‘T have now witnessed your invaluable Burlesques for several years, and I fearlessly pronounce them to be the best life-regenerators ever produced. My wife, who witn them with me on several occasions, joins me in testimony.” For a Drama-Hovse. ‘Your powerful and moral Dramas have converted me from a drunkard and a thief into a respectable member of Society. I have left off kicking my e, and I have not assaulted the Police, or pawned anything end for four years. This is written for me bya member of the School as unfortunately my education has been neglected.”’ For a Comepy-Hovse. “T cannot find words to express my gratitude for your refined and refining entertainment.” Before I attended your Theatre regularly, I suffered very much from nervousness and neuralgia, but both these afilictions are now thoroughly cured. You can make any use you like of this testimonial.” For a Pantomime-Hovse. , “* Remarkable Case of Longevity.—MattHew SLuRR (supposed to be a corrup- tion of METHUSELAH) now a resident of the Asylum for Decayed Cheesemongers, completed his one hundred and tenth year, last Thursday. He remembers the original production of Mother Goose with GrimaLpI. Has no hesitation in saying that the old Pantomimes were not a patch upon the new ones.” Tae Doxr’ . : uit em nee Morro (to be inscribed on the Arch opposite Apsley House) Mapame Saran BeRnuarnt has not yet joined the Sal-vation Army. a OUR OPENING DAY. Trio AND CHoRUS FOR THE PottTicaL HunTSsMEN AT St. STEPHEN’s. Arr—‘‘ The Chough and Crow to roost are gone,” Tue Ins and Outs from rest are back, The SpEaxKER’s in his chair. The talk-mill now resumes its clack, As birds begin to pair. The wild-fire quickens tongue and pen, Wit’s bow is strung to slay. Uprouse ye then, my merry, merry men, It is our op’ning day! ‘horus—U prouse ye then, &c. Both Whigs and Rads are wide awake, Unolosed are Tory’s eyes ; The morning papers now will make Less room for fads and lies. Bewilder’d Cits through columns ten Once more will plod their way ; vee ye then, my merry, merry men, t is our op’ning day. Chorus—Uprouse ye then, &c. The Cléture’s power own we now To silence faction’s jaw ; Par shall not raise eternal row, In spite of taste and law. Home-legislation looms in ken, England shall have her day. Uprouse ye then, my merry, merry men, And use it as ye may! Chorus :— Uprouse ye then, my merry, merry men! Uprouse ye then, I say! ill up your horns, and let the glen Resound with echoes gay ! The hunt is up, Brim high the cup, Big game we ’ll bring to bay. Uprouse ye then, My merry, merry men, It is our op’ning day ! HigHty REcoMMENDED BY THE Facutty.—The vete- ran dramatist, Joun Mappison Morton, Author of the immortal Box and Cox, which is now an English classic —[ Happy Thought.—Test for Low Comedy Degree at the New matic College :—To pass an examination in Box and Cox|—has just published a small volume of plays, which, being all as full of his fun as ever, wi invalu- able to amateurs and drawing-room theatricalists. They are to be had at the Dramatic Authors’ Society, 28, King Street, Covent Garden. THE NORTHAMPTON VALENTINE. Mr. Br-dl-gh sings— Miss PaRLtIaMENT, I LOVE YOU TRUE ; OH, SHORTEN MY PROBATION ! I CANNOT TAKE My OATH, WILL YoU Accrrr My DECLARATION ? S¢ Or, if wear at swear by your ious self,” gn a DN ek Tee,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Feprvary 17, 1883, JS xz a SSS YZ at - oa Ez ~* rs — M/, \\i wy YA) \ On AN A\\\\ \ \} NY NS \\ \\\ «© i i, \ Mn fhe Wey a \\\\ \\\\ ’ - Uy: iP Hf MN AV || Ke My i \\ \ ") \ \ Y My ii i \ \ WY AY AA a ‘ \\ i }] | j ) ) } MMA if WLLL y Lolli, MN ic = | ibaa yh 5 a! Il > ||!) N en | a ||| ai TR tive 0 ite ekae s at MUNICIPALITY REFORM - JST A LORD NIGHT-MAYORISH DREAM OF THE FUTURE. Tue Corporation of the City of London having resolved, a rently, so long have at of the whole Metropolis, but wi has visited of Persta, have appointed a Special Committee to whom they have referred the whole di doubtless after due deliberation, have select doughty champion of true CoTT, “ will be opened, contemporaneously with the opening of Parliament, THE NOTE OF BUSY PREPARATION.” Z with se cris o thee ria , y ith Bett rel fs the Genius o to make a good fight for those priceless privileges the have them to send aa their bitterest foes softened and subdned. a enjored, ona gor ee _ their credit be it said, they ‘* Wit and good-humour sparkled like the wine, times been y = we etn chet wl —_o And Rads who came to scoff remained to dine.”’ car dhomsa, tush oh tes Welbon off Tonunr and the fhah| ‘There being peobably bat one Institation in the whole eivilised world that delights in bringing together all that is high and noble ‘ul subject of Reform, and the Committee, | by birth, station, or intellect, or all who have been successful in Art, in ed as their chief, that | Arms, or in Wealth, in that grand spirit of hospitality that animates the Conservatism, Sir Francis Wratr Trvs-| City Fathers, many a generous = will wish th ht and Alderman. We understand that the campaign them success in their battle against the cold logical deductions of their hungry assailante.

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Fesruary 17, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL a | | } { Mt Ga | Ni Aili ih alti ne ih * aD, - \ ae ») WL |) | Tiey } | yor beet " ~S SHADES, VARIOUS. Mrs, M. (on being complimented on the charms of her Daughters), ‘‘Yss, Sm, THEY ’RE WELL ENOUGH LOOKING GIRLS, SOME ADMIRES THE ‘ Bronze’ AND SOME THE ‘ BLUENETTES !’” F GAMMON OF BACON. “Mrs. Henry Port—-a name which we must confess to not having pre- viously met with in the world of letters —has published an edition of Bacon’s Promus of Formularies and Elegancies (LoNGMANS & Co.), in order to prove that Bacon, and not SHAKSPEARE, was the real author of the plays that pass current under the latter's name.””—Saturday Review. Scenz—Lord Bacon’s Library. Bacon recumbent and meditating, as usual, (“* Sic Sedebat,”) in his arm-chair. Bacon. The proof of the pudding lieth in the eating and experi- ment, and not in the supposition or imagination thereof. (4 gentle 4 at the door.) Come in! (Enter SHaxksPEARE.) What, WitL! Thou art right weleoome. Sit thee down, Witt. (SHAKSPEARE sits.) And now, how doth business at the Globe ? How goeth our Hamlet ? hakspeare. Indifferent well, my Lord. , Bacon. Why, so. Playest thou the Ghost still ? Shakspeare. Ay, my good Lord, even yet, at times, so please you. Bacon. It pleases me well. Talk of your Ghost, doth the Ghost at the G. continue to walk as he ought ? _Shakspeare. Punctually, my Lord, in good sooth, every Saturday night. _ Good. I will therefore thank thee to hand me over the balance of our little account. speare. I shall, my Lord, incontinently. Meanwhile, so re your Lordship, I must become = further your Lordship’s ebtor for the wealth, I mean the workmanship, of your wit. My Lord, Her Majesty the Queen did last night come to see Henry the Fourth. After the play she called me to her presence, and did e her pleasure that I should produce her a piece with a part for Falstaff, and therein present Falstaff in love. Bacon. How didst thou answer her ? I Shakspeare. a own words—‘‘I shall in all my am. best obey yous M mame: tena cand your % Lord, sayi re. ca your line, m rd, saying, * Why, tis a loving and a fair reply.” . sas Bacon. Long live the Ganat But, Falstaff in love! A most inconceivable suggestion and unimaginable fancy of Her Most Gracious Majesty’s, in respect both of love and of Falstaff. Shakspeare. But how, then, my Lord, may we in anywise manage to perform her Royal command ? acon, About my brains! Methinks I seem to spy some glimmer of u way. A gross fat man fallen into the conceit that some fair dame is enamoured of him, lured on to make love to her after his own fashion. Falstaff in love c’y prés, as we say at Westminster. Shakspeare. That would serve, my Lord. , Bacon. Falstaff thereto befooled, moreover, by the contrivance of some merry women. Merry? Ha! So! Why, certainly it seems to myself that all this hath passed through my mind before—as we do sometimes feel. I must have dreamt of writing such a play. Methinks I even recollect the name on’t. Merry! Yea, marry, quotha,—Merry Wives of Windsor. Shakspeare. A title passing good, my Lord, and a taking. Truly, a happy thought—Let me pray your Lordship about it presently. Bacon. Marry and shall, with all the expedition I may. As soon as ible, Ill send it to thy playhouse. hakspeare. A thousand thanks, my Lord. Bacon. In the meanwhile, I prithee forget not that small balance. Shakspeare. Trust me, my Lord. Bacon. Needs mvst I until thou render me the needful. Shakspeare. Your Lordship be straightway satisfied. I humbly take my leave. [Exit SHAKSPEARE. Bacon. There goeth honest Witt, the reputed Author of the greatest works in their kind the world hath ever seen. But to acknowledge myself a writer of stage-plays would not now sort with my dignity, nor exactly serve my turn. ‘Their excellences are, for the time being, too far above popular valuation to make it worth while. And what doth it signify ? For Posterity will sooner or later be sure to discover that my plays could not possibly have been written by any of my contemporaries, or anybody else whomsoever in any age or country, of abilities inferior to my own. Suffice it for the present that I do make a little money of them, by means of my factor, WiLL SHAKSPEARE. Curtain, Gore to tHE Doas.—The National Canine Club.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepavary 17, 1883, THE COMMENTATORS. First Quidnune (in an ecstasy). ‘‘I’VE JUsT BEEN WRITING TO THE ‘New Smaxspsare Society.’ ‘BELIgvVE I’VE MADE A DISCOVERY—THAT Hor4sTIO was Hamuigr’s FatuHer !” Second Quidnune (enchanted), ‘‘ You pon’r say so!” First Quidnune. ‘‘My pear Sir, porsn’r HAMLET, WHEN HE HANDLES Yorick’s Sout, aDDREss HorAT10, ‘AND sMELT sO, Pa’? I THINK THAT’S CONCLUSIVE !!” SARAH’S SALE. (Extracts from Her Own Private Catalogue, which that Salle, which is called Salle des Ventes, declined to Print.) My Indian bracelet, in enamelled gold, representing a two-headed serpent, and enriched with rose-diamonds and rubies, given by the Prince—our Prince—the only Monseigneur of all our many seigneurs who appremetes Genius, Art, and Beauty. All necessity for printing this Catalogue at all would have been obviated if I had addressed myself directly to the donor of this interesting lot. But Art has its pride as well as its little presents, and Damaxa’s dignity would never have survived it. My Gold Comb, representing a toby of Comedy and Tragedy, and bearing my own proud device— Quand Méme—which I shall now write: Quand m'aimes, ag des cadeaux. This lot really represents for anybody with a soul under is waistcoat an allegorical souvenir of Art and Literature united more or less fraternally, given to me by EMILE DE GrraRDIN in return for my bust of him— there’s a historical memento for you! With a decent auctioneer possessing the slightest sense of the picturesque it ought to go like Fédora. Picture the great Emixe, who sat upon everybody else, sitting ¢o the sublime Sanan! Why, there ’s not a playgoer or newspaper-reader worth a wretched million who would not be proud to spend half-a-million of it on a relic of such extraordinary interest. I will throw in, if they like, a few recollections of how EmrLe would say—but I mustn’t put them in the Catalogue, because they wouldn’t fetch anything if already published. : My set of Mormon Spoons and Forks. This ought to be regarded as a kind of half-humorons. half-serio-theological memory 0 e. I remember the dis- reputable old Elder who gave them Me after that famous performance at Brigham Youne’s theatre of the evergreen (particularly in the dying scene) Dame aux Camélias. How all the wives cried! You could not see a husband for the clouds of pocket-handkerchiefs. They had been weeping over our wicked Parisian polyandry, the Elder said, entertaining Marre CoLomBrer and Me at supper afterwards—in order to étrenner the forks and spoons. It need not be added that the forks were found to be in perfidious Bohemia metal, and that the only real spoons were those evinced by the perfidious Elder. My Italian tributes from Queen MarcHarrira and the Duke p’Aosta: This lot should be considered in the light of a peace offering from Italy to France. Italy hadn’t been behaving very well to France for some years, and I went there purely on a patriotic mis- sion. Therefore I think this tribute of amicable feeling ought to be bought up (as high as possible) by the State, and kept in the Louvre alongside the Marie Antoinette and Napoleon relics. The Duke gon | told me, after the Second Act of Hernani, that they no intentions with regard to Nice; and the Queen was quite civil in her inquiries about Monsieur Griévy. And I could throw a ‘Treaty offensive and defensive in, if it were worth my while. My Service of Gold Plate for Crowned Heads: This would admirably suit a Lord Mayor, low comedian, or successful pawnbroker. The sovereigns who have deigned to eat off it all left their marks—in the shape of pre- sents which would defray its cost three times over. My Silver Service for every day, I think we shall buy in. Damata says he can’t resign himself to pottery ; and, as for Maurice, he is like Louis THE FouRTEENTH, when he pawned the Crown ape e says our only poventfan is Sévres for the table, and old Rouen for the itchen. My Talisman, given by my godmother, whose name I forget. This lot I have decided to withdraw. People wouldn’t understand. It is of no great use to anyone save the owner. It is a very small amulet, in the shape . a — My other amulet, chic, isn’t worth as much. THE HAT THAT BRAVED! (A Carnival Echo.) Mr. GLapstong has presented the tall hat and high collars which he wore at the Carnival (Feb. 6) to the Museum of Curiosities at Nice. The Treasures, slightly damaged, will be placed under a glass case for the veneration of the Public. Tuovu Grand Old Man from England, Enjoying mirthful ease ‘ Whose hat has braved a thousand jeers— And endless pints of peas : Above those ample linen gi Thy classic features show, And meet the shower of sugar’d flour That greets thee from below; The drenching dust of sweetmeat hail That floors thee from below! Thy meteor hat—thy topper, It like a beacon burns ; And cartloads of confetti For thee, its owner, earns! _ ’Tis riddled through :—to wear it now Would not be comme tl faut. Let it, in peace, rest here at Nice, And grace the local Show. By Jove! throw in the collar too— You’ll make the local Show! ‘* ANoTHER Littte Hotrpay.’—The continuation of ** Rather Abroad,” commenced last week, is unavoidably crowded out of this Number. It will, to use an entirely new and original form of notification, be ‘‘ Continued in our next.” @ TO CURRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by s Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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Fesrvary 24, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 85 OF COURSE, ON THE 28TH. ———— SS We Hy 4 Wy IW, SSS — SS | Wg Na ‘all NORTH AND SOUTH. Miss Smith (from Bayswater). ‘* 1 SUPPOSE YOU RE GOING TO LOTS OF DANOEs ?” Miss de Smythe (from Belgravia). ‘‘1’m correc TO Mrs. Mowspray MasHam’s, I ’VE—A—NOT HEARD THERE’S ANY OTHER.” [Miss Smith, who has Cards for a dozen Dances at least, but has never even heard of Mrs. Mowbray Masham’s, feels rather out of it. John Bull (hotly). Jupiter Pluvius. WANTED A WATER-LEAGUE., (A Colloquy worth Consideration.) Interlocutors—JvuPitERk Piuvivs, Joun Butt, and Sir WitFRm Lawson. John Bull ( plaintively). Really, great Jupiter Piouvrvs, this is becoming most serious ! Jupiter Pluvius (impassively). What ? John Bull, Your perpetual downpour, Sir! Anything more deleterious, Dismal, depressing, detestable, cannot, I’m sure, be conceivable. . Beastly! Besides, there ’s the loss, which will very soon be irretrievable. og pee Yes—if you do not look out. ohn Bull, You speak drily, and that is the sole thing That is dry about you. Perhaps you’ll explain; Zam sick of the whole : ing. , ‘ , Jupiter Pluvius. Pooh! I provide you with rain. h, you do! There is no one disputes it. Just look at the state of the country! Why, whether for grain, grass, or roots, i Is awful. Can’t sow in a pool, or grow grain in a swamp, and, by Jingo, . To ve we must soon be like frogs, or stilt-legged like a stork or flamingo. Pluvius. Have you done your best ? nm Bull. In what way P : Why, ‘‘ Self-Help ” and Mechanical Science, For those are the things—you ask SmitEs—in which gumption will place chief reliance. Look after your rivers. What’s that that I see sticking under your arm there ! John Bull, A Bill for Prevention of Floods. Jupiter Pluvius. Why, then, pass it. There may be no charm there ze or you fine weather, but Science and Capital banded together, worked, may do wonderful things towards making you careless of wea ther. You try it, and don’t bother me. It’s no end of a question, is Water. ee Sir he Lawson (eagerly). It is; oh, itts! Local ption—— Jupiter Pluvius (to John Bull). You won’t get much help in that quarter. ' He’d turn on the main at full flood; like your pestilent Parliament spouters, Who talk out good practical measures. You shut up the hobby-borne spouters. , And—what do you think of a Water-League? Land’s had it’s turn, and I warrant There ’s more in this question of Water than dreamt by the nincompoops arrant Who see but one tree in a forest. brains on the question, : And next time you ’ll not worry me, but give thanks for my friendly suggestion. Exit. You set your best LEGAL DELIGHTS. THE man who has never been a Defendant in an action- at-law has never tasted one of the chief pleasures of existence. He is probably served with a writ, and his servants, and perhaps his wife, begin to suspect that he is connected in some mysterious way with the Dynamite Brotherhood. He goes to a Solicitor, and, after several days of patient teaching, he will have taught that Solicitor something about his case. In due time the Solicitor will take the same trouble, second-hand, to teach a Barrister ; after which the Barrister—if the case goes into Court—will take the trouble, third-hand, if he is not called into another Court, to teach the Judge; and the Judge, fourth-hand, will take the trouble to teach the Jury. , The man, now called a Client, will be asked, in writing, the most insulting questions called ‘‘ interroga- tories,”’ and these he will be expected to answer, without losing his temper. Various legal messengers will now wait upon him at various hours of the day to swear various affidavits. He will be asked to step out and find a Commissioner empowered to take Oaths, and after trying two ground-fioors and three first-floors, will dis- cover one of these — persons in an airy garret. He will now learn the meaning and beauty of the word venue. He may be sued in Yokelshire, or he may be sued in Clogshire. In the latter case he will be marched down to Mudchester with his Solicitor and a small party of witnesses—the majority of whom will never be wanted. He will be fed with reports that he is Number Four on the list, and may come on at any moment. After waiting a week, he will find that Mudchester has more cases than it can try, and he is marched off with his party to the my open d town of Livelypool. Here he is comforted with the assurance that he will ‘‘ come on” at the open- ing of the Assizes, and, in consequence, he has only to wait four days for his long-expected trial. His case is sure to be one that can only be properly judged without favour or prejudice by a London Jury, ut, if the venue is laid in Clogshire, he must be tried by the natives. He finds his Solicitor and Barristers sitting in cramped pews, with huge bundles of papers before them the size of hotel-pillows. These papers seem to make them very unhappy, but still they cling to them. Being about the longest documents in existence they are called ‘‘ briefs,” and do not appear necessary to any person who can write the history of England on a shirt- cuff. The Barristers get tired of these unwieldy docu- ments before the trial is half over, and are thankful to a ng to the ‘‘Client”—who will give them information that can be put upon a railway-ticket. — The case will probably be ably argued on both sides, without temper or bad taste—for the Northern Circuit is served by leading lawyers and Judges—but the Jury will doubtless take their own view in spite of evidence and i The Client will have the pleasure of obtainin a new trial in London, if he likes to apply for it, and i not, he will have learnt something for his money. “Tue best thing for breakfast,” says Mrs. Rams- ee ‘Sig a nice Fenian Hammock ora Skipper on oast. New Sone (Dedicated to Mr. Biecar, M.P,).—‘' OA where, and oh where is my Hyland Lassie come ?” VOL. LXXXIV. I

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fssruary 24, 1883, “BUMBLEDOM AGAIN ” ONCE MORE. Last week under this head we remarked that ‘‘the Shoreditch Guardians had suddenly dis- covered that all children unfor- tunate enough to be what is called ‘ illegitimate’ are not en- titled to witness an exhibition of Dissolving Views,” and, we added, **the decision, we believe, was approved of and acted upon.” We have since been ‘officially informed by Mr. Cray—we do not mention his name for the sake of “* puffing our clay ’—the Clerk to the Guardians in ques- tion, that our belief as to the decision was erroneous, and that the decision itself was that “‘ the able-bodied male inmates and the mothers of illegitimate chil- dren were to be excluded” from the entertainment of Dissolving Views, and so concerning the whole matter we are glad to say that our own views have been entirely dissolved. It only re- mains to suggest that the next time the Shoreditch Guardians give an entertainment it should be a good play belonging to the Legitimate Drama. New Sort or Frorr— Cur- rents of Air in the Law Courts. A propos of this subject, the Last of the Barons observed that ““The Architects of the new buildings, having distributed the cold air pretty fairly all round, would be remembered hereafter as Equity Draughtsmen.” The Lord Chief Justice said he’d = gg laughed so much in all his e. PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 124. Wi: | = i ict pA ee | DR. RICHARDSON RETORTING. HOTEL ME WHEN, HOTEL ME WHERE? THe Proprietor of an Hotel advertises in the Zimes that— “With the opening of the New Law Courts this old-established hotel will take a new departure, it is so admirably placed for witnesses, &c.’’ If this establishment is ‘‘s0 admirably placed for witnesses, &e.,” why does it. not remain where itis? If a witness went to sleep there under the impression that it was close to the New Law Courts, and woke up the next morning and found himself at Bayswater, it would be a “ new departure” that he would by no means relish, Song of the Fourth Party. THERE’s nae fun about the ouse, There ’s nae fun at a’; There’s no one to rate, and to 13+ bait, and to slate, When our Grand Old Man’s awa’! Puiz-1caL Force.—The Exhi- bition of the Works of the late Hastot Kniexut Browne at the Liverpool Art Club. THE TWO TERRORS. Aas, poor France, thy spectres now are twain ! A Reign of Terror, and a Terror of Kain. HAMLET AT THE Money- T.enpERs.—‘‘ To what base I. 0. Uses may we come at last!” ‘““THE PLAY’S THE THING.” Tae excellent suggestion thrown out the other day by the French Minister of Public Instruction, that deserving scholars should rewarded by free admission to the Paris Theatres, will, no doubt, be rapidly adopted by reflective Head Masters on this side of the Channel. As the various Metropolitan entertainments will, of course, be appropriately apportioned, the following scheme will probably be the — in hand; and it will be highly interesting to watch how it works, For Proficiency in— Theology.—Lyceum. Church Scene in Much Ado About Nothing. Dynamics.—St. James’s. Impulse. Constitutional History.—Drury Lane. Queens. Zoology.—Comedy. Rip Van Winkle. Latin Prose.—Strand. Comedy of Errors. Metallurgy.—Princess’s. The Silver King. Book-keeping.—Savoy. JI.O.Ulanthe. Medicine.—Toole’s. Dearer than Life. Drilling.— Ha ket. The Little Sentinel. Botany.—St. George’s Hall. Mr. Connzy Gratn’s On root. The use of the Globe would also be elegantly explained at the house at present under Mrs. BERNARD BEERE’s management ; while Pneumatics would receive ample and interesting illustration in the final exhaustion of Jane Eyre. Altogether, the Metropolitan and rnd Schools ought to have a very agreeable and instructive time of i Procession of Kings and Wary is tightly tying up a ay horse, sure to be a cure for his pace ?—Because you make him fast. (N.B.—So you do if you don’t give _ anything to eat. There are more remedies than one for a slug. A WAIL FROM THE CITY. FAREWELL to big dinners and soup of the turtle, Which shows how we feed in Brrrannia’s clime ; The enemy’s arrows around us now hurtle, —_— Then why not reform when perchance there is time. We’ve revelled too long upon port and madeira, Too often have sipped the insidious punch ; But now comes the dawn of a terrible era, When we mayn’t get even gratuitous lunch. How nobly we ’ve struggled through excellent dinners, Involving, perchance, the persuasive blue pill ; Why single us out then as specially sinners, _ ’ When crowned heads have dined with us, eating their fill ? But certain it is that the whole British nation Must fall—if we fall—that the City will swear ; Pull down if you like then the great Corporation, And England will vanish like bubbles in air ! A Srationer’s Clerk had doubts about a fiver proffered by a Chance Customer, who thereupon became very abusive. Says the Clerk, ‘‘ I won’t be bullied, Sir, and I tell you that if you take it to the Bank of England you’ll find the fiver’s a bad ’un, and then you’ll alter your tone.” ‘ ‘*T shall only alter my tone,” was the reply, ‘‘if I change my note.” [Exit Chance Customer delighted at having “led up to it’? so well. “Spring Hanprcars.”—Mrs. RamspoTHamM, on hearing these mentioned, immediately asked where they could be purchased, as they sounded like a most useful invention. Sincine Braps’ SHow.—Go to Bond Street, and see the Whistler’s Exhibition.

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ree oe at, Fesruary 24, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ESSENCE OF EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. PARLIAMENT. Howsz of Commons, Thursday, February 15.—“‘ If there’s one thing in this world that’s worse BraDLaveH it’s mock-turtle.”’ It was the voice of the Alderman whom I heard thus complain. He was standing near me at Bar in House of Lords; temper a little soured, having been elbowed out of the front row by some Radical Members who have no oo ag for Corporations, whether they be of the City of London or merely of Aldermen. Turtle’s something like,” the Alderman continued, and_ the expression of his face softened, his eye lost its glamour, and his oe gently caressed his lips. ‘* But, if we can’t have it, let’s do without soup.’’ Found out presently that this Aldermanic parable was intended to express tisfaction with the performance of opening Parliament by Royal Commission. Rather Radical sentiments for the Alderman. erwise seems to be right. Funny to see for the first time the five Pomel Commissioners in their butterwoman’s cloaks, with cocked hats which, at a si from another Gentleman in black wig and gown who bobs up and down before them, they lift and replace. Eat nef the sort of — yng fo . often. P eee get ol run on any other stage. Mr. HotpEn, the young Member for the West Riding, is full of new idea as to how it might be done. —_—_—_—_—— ° PARLIAMENTARY CHESS TOURNAMENT WITH LIVING FIGURES. the sewing-machine, or something of ** Why not,” says he, ‘‘ have Marionettes done up like Lords Com- |missioners? Could easily work in the Clerks at the Table; havea barrel-organ to play ‘Should auld ny nyowe oy be forgot,’ and there you are. Nothing like machinery for saving time and labour.” Seems good idea; worth thinking of when House of Lords come to reform their procedure. House looked a little better at four o’clock when Peers came down, and the battle of the Address commenced. Princess of WaLks in the Gallery looking a little pale in her mourning. Prince of WaLEs on the Cross Benches, looking jollier than ever. Brought back some ae stories about the Grand Old Man at the Carnival, and other ee of the Riviera. Told a few to GranvILLE and myself in the Robing Room. Lord Wo.setry took the Oath and his seat for Cairo. Afterwards sat on Cross Benches between Prince of Waxes and the great soldier who planned Egyptian Campaign. Looked critically on first Parliamentary encounter. ‘* Not much to you after Tel-el-Kebir,” H.R.H. said, pleasantly. ‘ az 0, Sir,” replied our only General. ‘‘I’m getting tired of sham ghts. In House of Commons at four o’clock great crowd, and sup- ressed excitement. Outside, people risen in their thousands, and ving games with the police. First they fill up one part of the | Great mechanical genius, HotpEN. Invented the stocking-loom, or the kind. roadway, and policeman on curvetting white s backs into them.

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88 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesruary 24, 1883, Space cleared here filled up in another p= ten yards higher up. Another policeman on bounding bay backs into them. They return Fig —~ — —— white steed has — walk ey s is what the police = ing away.” It passes away the time pleasantly enough, till Mr. BraDLAvGH appears in Hansom cab. Murmurs of disappointment among the throng. B. had intro- dueed himself as “‘ your General for the day.” Thought he would appear ina chariot, in scarlet coat, sash, and plumed hat, like the City Marshal. Hansom cab, chimney-pot hat, black coat, and no other weapon about him than probably a stylographic pen concealed in breast pocket, naturally lowered enthusiasm of mob. Fortunately white steed and bounding bay began again, and arrested deep depression stealing o’er nside, much same sort of thing. Sergeant-at-arms drawn on pair of white kid gloves (two buttons), also new pumps. Floor waxed, and everything ready for the giddy dance. But after Lord HakTINeTon, in sng Ag question, said Parliamentary Oaths Bill would be brought in, Mr. BrapLaven went out. ; After this Irish Members fell quite flat. ‘‘ Never knew anything like the luck of those fellows,” Mr. CoaisropHER Syxes drawled, surveying them through his eye-glass, as if they were occupants of a —— ‘* Always got one of their number in prison. Believe they draw lots who’s to be put in gaol, so that the others may come down here ea row.” It’s Heary hap to be out of luck this time. Yet should have thought there ni ’t have been all this bother. Remember when Heaty declared he “‘ didn’t care two rows of pins whether he was in prison or the House of Commons.” House Aas a preference on the subject. If it can be gratified without individual suffering, why not? Put it this way to ParNweELt, who says that may be all very well in social life, but in polities things are different. . sa 7s you ’t to be so desperately fond of Tm when he was ere,” I urge. “No,” says Pamwext, in his soft sad voice; ‘“‘but you know — makes the — grow pyre a 4 tary tread, elank of a sword, smell of gunpowder. ‘* Adown the glen march arméd men.” Look round and behold a terrible figure at the end of the corridor near the ante-room where peaceful Members enter to secure places for mothers and wives in the Ladies’ Gallery. Thought at first it was the Duke of WELLING- TON coming to enter against his disestablishment. Like him about the plumed cap, but figure not quite so tall. As it came nearer by forced marches, discovered it was only Dyke AcLanp. = in Heaven’s name, ’s the matter?” I asked, when breath came ‘“‘Are the Reserves called out? Have the French landed? Or is it the mob that’s broken through Palace Yard?” ** No,” said the Colonel. ‘‘ Don’t you know I’m going to move the Address ? ”’ “* Now, General, look here!” I said, my blood boiling. “‘I’ma general su is Ministry. I think Giapsrowe the Grandest Old Man But I’m sick of this matic Coer- cion. Outside you the British Public ‘pass away’ at the horses’ hoof, and inside you move the Address at the point of the sword. I’ll join Witreip Lawson, LasovcHErg, Hewry RIcHAgD, and you see if the Fifth Party won’t be worse than the Fourth.” “* Nonsense,” said the Commander-in-Chief ; ‘‘ you don’t under- stand. It’s merely a matter of form ; horribly uncomfortable for us ; but if Address not moved by Gentleman in Military Uniform what would become of British Constitution ?” “ That ’s all right, aes Fe s I don’t understand. There ’s many things I don’t in this House. But what do you mean by marching and counter-marching in remote corridors, start- ling Hon. Members ?” “ Fact is, Topy,” said the Quartermaster-General, lowering his voice, “it’s a little hard to walk in these things, when you’re not used tothem. If this leather reticule at the end of the strap doesn’t get between your legs, the sword will. Between the two my life’sa urden. General Buawazy was good enough to give me half-an- hour's drill. But you can’t learn to walk like a turkey-cock in half- an-hour. Quite sure I’ll come to grief with the sword going into the House, and with the reticule going out, or the other way about. C The gallant Major Soon tiene ll when the time . ever very we en the came. Walk a little stiff, and face a little But got safely to his seat, and back again. Altogether, sitting very dull. Same thing here as WoLseLry’s eagle eye discovered in another place. Only sham fight, and not very bri 7: one on. House further a pew by dej appearance of Mr. Biccak. Whatever may have wieiinnen his mind is evidently growing more epenenses the light faded from his eye, the bloom from his eheek, geiety from his heart. “Come, come, Josepu!” I said to him, “this will never do. Things don’t mend by knocking under. Besides, they mayn’t be so bad. Cane tells me he means to push forward his Bill. If your fellows don’t obstruct, it might easily be got through by Easter. Couldn’t you manage it with them 7” —_ of this mu make the **No,’”’ Jozy B. answered in husky voice, and with manner no noe sly, “‘ I saw what could be done as soon as CAINE gave notice of his Bill. Went on my knees to PaRnety. Says he can’t inter- fere. Dick Power told me, confidentially, Warton means to block the Bill. Too late, Topy, too late!” And JosEPH wi away a tear with the cuff of his coat-sleeve. Business done.—Address moved. “Saturday Morning.—Peter burned his boats and crossed the Rubicon, as PARNELL once said the Government had done. More convenient to cross first, and burn boats afterwards. But that’s a trifle. CHrmpErs has come back, looking quite ruddy ; evidently good for the Chancellorship of the Exchequer as long as this Parlia- ment lasts. But if the Ministry won’t have Perse one way, they shall another. So last night gave notice that ‘‘on early occasion will call attention to the present state of the National Expenditure, and move a Resolution.’”’ Uproarious cheering from Conservative benches. Odds rapidly falling against Peter some day joining Fourth Party. This morning Bradlaugh conflagration unexpectedly broke out on Motion to bring in Bill. Struggle lasted two hours—a ‘‘ small and early.” Nodancing. Business done.—Address moved. KNOW YE THE LAND? (A City Song.) ‘From facts just published, it appears that New York furnishes the chief market for that Aldermanic luxury, the turtle. The City reteives every year from 150,000 to 180,001b. Turtles are most plentiful during the summer, and when the supply is larger than the demand, the turtles are kept afloat, and given cabbages, lettuce, celery tops, and water-melon rinds, the last-named article of diet being the most highly prized.” Know ye the land where the high price of turtle Tacks on to your dinner as much as the wine ; Where you big Civic swells would with cyprus and myrtle Sit crowned in despair—asked without it to dine ? The land, where to- simple oysters and porter Are counted fit lunch for a millionnaire ; Where, stock of the real run shorter and shorter, The mock takes its place with a confident air ? Ah, know ye the land where, when “ green fat” abounded, Three helpings you held nothing out of the way ; Where now, by the calf that deceives quite dumbfounded, Untasted you send your one portion away ? Ah, well! if ye know such a land, and are frantic To think that it boasts scarce an honest tureen ; Take courage: there’s hope yet beyond the Atlantic On shores where the fat that you love is still green! Where the cook whom ye trust doesn’t prove but a traitor, And the turtle is kept in condition that’s fine ; F — than demand being delightfully greater, all but the spirit of man is divine! _ So pluck up your courage ; your turtle awaits you, m cabbage and lettuce enjoying his ease ; And if fierce Reform with economy baits you, Pack up: seek three helpings beyond the green seas ! ‘Hane it!” exclaimed Mr. Jeremy Drop provisions of Mr. CuamBertarn’s Bankrup’ going to make Bankruptcy easy—to creditors!’ on reading the ill, ‘* They’re Warten: a Sire yor THe Duxe’s Sratue.—No; keep it out of sight,—say in Hide Park. Mashionable Intelligence. CHEZ NOEL PETERS. WHEN a young man joins the Mashers, he is said to become emashiated, The Mashers r. re about to /4 7) start a journal v’), of their own, ito defend - themselves HH ainst the violent at- tacks to which they have been subjected in other news- PD ss ody It will be called the Morning Mash- tub and Chappies’ Chronicle, _An important question for visitors to Paris who are fre- uenters of the above-mentioned Rictentvent is, how will the Expulsion Bill affect the Passage des Princes ? Mz. Sureip has been deputed to take charge of the Cambridge Corporation Bill in the House of y . This is as it should be, ‘* Defence—not Defiance.” Waar is the distinction be- tween Mr, Pauwert and Sir Witrrip Lawson ? One’s a Land Leaguer, the other ’s a Water Leaguer.

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SO 1 F ae ® RY Fesrvary 24, 1883,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL FIENDISH REVENGE. *$Ou, GrorcE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BEAUTIFUL T&RRA-COTTA PLATES?” ‘*ONLY PRACTISING FOR THE TERRA-COTTA Picgon, my Love!” PLON-PLON IN ENGLAND. (A Fragment from an Autobiography. ) 9 a.M.—Reached Charing Cross more dead than alive. Gave Louis his breakfast, who has consented to accompany me on condition of receiving a week’s holiday, a youth’s chemical chest, and a popgun. He insisted upon having breakfast. The passage seems to have agreed with him. He apparently spent his time on board in attempt- ing to drop my luggage into the engines. Was too ill to look after him. Made for Leicester Square. 10 a.m.—Have finished my déjeiiner at the Hétel de Paris et les deux Mondes. Absinthe wretched! Took a sardine with my rosdif, biftek, and cotelettes in honour of Lent. Shall mention this to Eveén1e when I see her later. Lovrs finished the cognac when I was not looking, and consequently is as incapable as his brother Victor to oust me, or to do anything else. 11 a.m.—Having dropped Louis into the Leicester Square foun- tains, he has revived. Visited Madame Tussavp’s Wax- Works, Much annoyed at finding no ‘‘ Portrait Model” of myself. Pointed out_that as my Uncle was represented as reclining on a tent bed- stead, his duplicate effigy in the centre of the Imperial group might do for me—with a fair amount of sti g. Louis suggested that I might be put in the Chamber of Horrors. Very much annoyed, and would have publicly thrashed him had he not threatened me with his Uncle Humspert in Rome. The boys (ungrateful little mites! are always trying to get up a family quarrel. Half a mind to sen them back to CLormzpE. They are not a bit of use to me—rather reverse, 12 Noon.—Called at Marlborough House, The family out of town. Gave my name at the gate, and was informed that the Prince had left word if I called that ‘‘he was indisposed.” ‘‘To see you!” shouted Lovis, who is a vulgar little fellow for a king’s grandson. Much annoyed. Took an omnibus to the Waterloo Station, and q ed about the fare. Having to wait for a train, looked up a local bill-poster, and find that I can get a Manifesto issued much cheaper in London than in Paris, Madea note of this. Advertise- ment Agent wary intelligent. On learning my name and pene suggested that I should use some old posters of the “ Battle of Waterloo” he had in stock. He said I could have the block altered 80 as to appear myself as the Duke, whose nose had disap in the course of wear and tear. Thought that if I could secure the services of a dozen regiments just to back him up, he might ‘‘ make & good job of it.” Was obliged to refuse, as his terms are ‘‘ fixed prices—payment in advance.’ ’ _1p.m.—Took a train to Farnborough. Very pleased with the military lay. Quite reminded me of my old Crimean days. Much nicer, too—no danger. Sentry saluted me. Delighted. Lous roared with laughter, and told the man that he had made a mistake—‘' That I Was not a soldier.’”’ Chased the young rascal with my umbrella until I was forced to desist from want of breath. Iam not so slim as I used to be. Never mind! When I get back to the throne and my relatives, xr Louis have a couple of years or so in the Conciergerie! I will teach him to be rude to his father! _ 2 p.m.—EveEnte has very —— a carriage for me. Hurried to see her. She says she does not know why I have come. Explain it’s a return visit. ‘*So kind of her to have looked me up in Paris.” She says that she did nothing of the sort—she came to see MaTHILpE, not me! She is generally nasty, and says she won’t have her name yi into my ridiculous fiascos.”” Grieved, as I hoped to have induced her to pay at least a part of the Manifesto printing-bill. 3 p.M.—Found that the carriage in which I came had returned to the stables. Suppose the coachman wouldn’t wait because I hadn’t tipped him. Very well! I will pay off old scores when I get back! Had to carry Louis all the way back to the station, as the teful little wretch threatened to give me into custody if I didn’t. He says that two of the umbrellas I have now in my ion came from the house I have just visited! Told him that he was too young to understand these matters, and that I had a perfect right to ‘‘ requi- sition”? anything I liked. 4 p.a.—Back in London. Called at the Zoological Gardens, and visited the Eagles. Asked the price of one of the smallest, with a view to making a descent upon Boulogne. Found them much too dear. Said they would let me have a vulture cheap, which would do just as well if I concealed the bird’s neck with a large tricolor rosette. Said I would think it over. If I came at night, an old fowl with a Roman-nosed beak would answer all my purposes. Obliged to be economical. Borrowed, privately, a Napolen Lovrs had received from his mother. He was very much annoyed on discovering his doss. Must, however, be busin e and economical. __ 5. p.M.—Lovls, pont ty Peete that I had annexed his money, set up a yell. To quiet him, promised to show him all “the monu- ments” of London. Visited consequently the South Kensington Museum, the National Gallery, and the Albert Memorial. Really very interesting, and not expensive. Mislaid my son in Kensington Gardens, and dined at the Holborn Restaurant irably. , 6 p.M.—Feel very much better. Saw my name in large letters in the contents bills of the ‘evening papers. Nerved myself for to- morrow’s Channel martyrdom with ted absinthe. Everything couleur de rose ! 5 , 7 P.M.—Can’t find Louis anywhere! Made acquaintance with a lamp-post! Don’t care! Beast of a boy! Can’t say French Con- stitution! Never could! . : 8 p.M.—Just assured a couple of policemen that “it’s all right!” 9 p.M.—Have been accommodated with a cell. Going to bed—in my Uncle’s boots! Anv Quire Rieut Too !—After all, the Municipality of Geneva is only following the principle of many of our country towns— namely, not to allow Booths in the street save in fair time. But the Salvationists say it evidently isn’t a fair time at Geneva.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fasrvary 24, 1883. aa a ae EZ Sir Gorgius Midas, ‘‘Roppep, My Lorp ! A THING!” = SES Sh aa ESS PSs === = -yaR — a = PIS RSS 4 PLEASANT ! Lord Reginald Sansdenier (in answer to confidential remark of his Host), ‘‘TwENTY THOUSAND POUNDS’ WORTH OF PLATE ON THE TaBir, Scr Goratus? I WONDER YOU AIN'T AFRAID OF BEING RosseD!” Goop ‘Evens! I’m sure yER LogpsHIP’s TOO HONNERABLE HEVEN TO THINK OF SICH ON THE TRAIL. At last! ’Tis hard to check the glow f gladness, or to still the bound Of burdened spirits, which have found The patient steps of Justice slow Upon the track of Crime, whose stain Burns heavily on heart and brain. Not hate’s exultant thrill, and not The savage thirst of vengeance. Nay. But he who Law’s stern step would stay On ruthless Murder’s tiger-slot, Plays pander, in the name of good, To Violence’s vampire brood. Pace forward, therefore, figure stern, Yet even-pulsed and steadfast-poised ! Whatever warring cries are noised About her way, she will not turn One step aside, nor faint nor fail, ‘When once the sleuth-hound strikes the trail. And Erin, following in the wake Of that unsheathed but stainless steel, For all her woes and fears, may feel A fire and force to burn and bre The hideous toils of murderous lust, Typed by that red track in the dust. ENCROACHMENT OF THE COCKROACH. AccorDiIxé to the Times, ‘A solution, prepared by soaking fat female cockroaches in whiskey,” has eoniarttew introduced into medicine. We may probably live to see the day when a Black-beetle Draught will be reckoned among our most popular cures. THE BEAUTIFUL DANUBE! ScenE—Interior of the Conference Chamber. Present—Mr. Puncu, and the Delegates of the Great Powers, under the Presidency of the British Minister of State for Foreign Affairs. Lord Granville (rising gracefully). Messieurs—— Mr. Punch (interrupting). Pardon me, my Lord.* Before we commence business in earnest we not better speak in plain ——o and discard diplomatic French? ‘The former is easier understood. (Turning to Ambassadors.) Are you aware, Gentle- men, that the Danube is practically valueless from a commercial point of view ? Ambassadors. Well— . Mr. Punch. That a company without a competitor for through traffic, running a fleet of steamers and other vessels on the 1000 miles nearest the mouth of the largest river in Europe, with a limitless supply of coal on the very banks, can hardly keep its head above water Ambassadors. Yes, that may be, but—— : M. Punch. That any officials that may be appointed to look after the river will have absolutely nothing to do ? Ambassadors. So we understand, yet-—— Paes Mr. Punch. And that ny attempt to improve the navigation over 450 miles of sh*!..og river- will be utterly absurd and fraitless ? Ambassadors, It looks like it, still—— . 3 Mr. Punch. Well, now that you have heard the plain English of it, you may return to your diplomatic French. [And they do. Mas. RamspotHaM intends to subscribe to the ‘* Homiletical Library ”’—which she sees is just announced. She has long been in want of a good Cookery-Book that can give her full partic with regard to Omelettes.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 24, 1883. Sa = =~ TS SS SS ~ SS Ss Sa ~ ~~ - ~~ SSS = ON THI: TRAIL.

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— Feprvary 24, 1883. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ot! | cf ir ub a { F \ (fea \ ' a VI 4? i = Si FORCIBLE. PLUTAR-RCH !” **SHuRE, Sik, HE OUGHT TO BE HUNG, IF HE'D AS MANNY LIVES AS Richard TWaguer. Born, May 22, 1813. Drep, Fesrvuary 13, 1883. In Music- World arch-revolutionist, Titan-assailant of its elder gods, For him the menace of the Jovian nods, The thunders and the rock-storm. Yet he kist With climbing crest the empyrean’s crown, Out-nodding old Olympus in his mood Of most aggressive mastery. Of the brood Of Demiurgus militant, whose fro Like that of mailéd Mars amidst the boys, on away Convention’s chirrupers, And to wild cackle as of goose-flights stirs ’ Pale Peace’s pretty fluters of small joys And fine factitious sorrows. Then what wonder He brought the sword into mild Music’s sphere, And in the clangour of the hurtling spear, The clashing mail, and the loud hatiie Thunder, issed, sometime, of the finer harmony The still small voice, known of the subtler ear, Which outlives all War's clarions? Year on year] May pass ere he is measured. Yet we see The work of a strong shaper, one whose part Was with new light to show a newer way. He stripped the gewgaw’d shams of Opera, Lord of two spheres, he wedded Art with Art, And Music, sunned in brighter, larger fame, May date its nobler dawn from WaAGNER’s mighty name. Purse-onal Attractions. WE cull the following from the Susser Daily News :— PG be’ ser (Widower) seeks a CuRIsTIAN PARTNER (domesticated) willing to invest capital in profitable business, and property under her own control, with a view to matrimony. —Address, by letter only. The Advertiser evidently wishes to, to quote the Fra, “combine leading business with general utility.”’ He wants a Christian, a commercial, and a matrimonial er all in one. ‘‘ Domesticated,” however, sounds ike the attribute of a cat. 2 ANOTHER LITTLE HOLIDAY. Introductory Preface, showing how it was done—Digression on Johnnies— Inspiration— Extract from Pocket-Boek Notes— Of, off ! My Doctor is always telling me to ‘‘ Go away!” Though undoubt- edly excellent advice, yet when it comes to be written down in, literally, the two words, ‘‘ Go away,” it looks like the pettish ex- pression of a schoolboy who is being teased, or of a girl who doesn’t want to be bothered. Perhaps my Doctor is being teased, and doesn’t want to be bothered, and that is why he says, **O go away!” Curiously enough, I have often noticed that whenever he has told me to *‘ go away ”’ he has mpg | ** gone away” himself. ‘* Gone away” is suggestive of a fox; but Heaven forbid I should, for one moment, insist on such a comparison. All I wish to record is that my Doctor told me to ‘‘goaway;”’ that he enforced his precept by tice,—he has an excellent practice,—and that, while in doubt, I ppened to fall in with young WILLIE WapD, who was introduced to me as one of the set of ‘‘ Johnnies” whose acquaintance I had the great pleasure of making last autumn in Wales. By the way, before continuing the main subject of these Notes, I cannot resist this opportunity of remarking on the universally growing tendency to speak of everyone by a Christian name,—it may or may not be his own Christian name as given him by his god- fathers and godmothers, but whether it is or isn’t depends entirely upon the fact of the sponsors having selected a good one for conver- sational purposes. . There are, as I remarked on a former occasion, a number of ‘Hueures” about,—quite a run on Huentes,—which starts the curious question as to unconscious nomenclature ; that is, was there asort of general inspiration going about some time ago to call every boy Hueure, so that people utterly unknown to one another, living hundreds of miles apart at the extreme points of the United King- dom, when requested, as sponsors, to ‘‘think of a name” —(this sounds e @ game or a puzzle—‘‘add ten to it—halve it—subtract fifty from it ”’)—all suddenly shouted ‘‘ Huenrz! ” and positively refused te think of any other. By this time, besides the preponderating ‘*Hueure,” a fair crop of ArcHres, JOHNNIES, WILLIES, REGIEs, Ateres, and has sprung up, showing either that there were several inspirations within a few months of one another, or that a universal conspiracy to name every one ‘“‘ Hucure” has been broken up through the insubordination of some of its members, who had rebelled against the arbitrary decree, and had gone in for other names on their own individual responsibility. Occasionally,we come across a Bos, now and then a Harry, sometimes a Tommy, and ver rarelya Ngppy. They all come under the heading of ‘‘ Jounnizs,” and are we a Bef to save trouble, as “this Jounny, that JoHNNY, the other Jonnny,” and so forth. Again, stopping on my »—I’ve not “gone away” yet—I notice the den familiarity characteristic of the most modern manners. This tendency to call — by a Christian name, to which I have just alluded, has reached such a pitch, that no one, no matter to what respect his age, character, or social position may entitle him, is safe, nowadays, from being addressed by his Christian name by the most recent and casually introduced acquaintance, who establishes himself, within five minutes, on the footing of an intimac of half a lifetime, dating from your earliest schooldays, thoug ten minutes ago you were utterly unconscious of your new acquaint- ance’s existence. : The age of universal brotherhood may be approaching, that happy time when everybody shall call everybody else by any tian name, or petit nom that may occur to him, when everybody shall dine with everybody else at anybody’s expense, an shall be Jounnizs. There may be just the faintest Gonmont prospect of some such Paradise of Jounnizs looming in the future; but, at present. it is a very long way off, and just now we are ina state of general familiarity which is as likely as not—in fact, more likely than not— to lead to a row all round. There are, of course, JOHNNIES and ‘JoHnnizs. They’re not all friendly, though they are familiar ; they don’t all love one another, or think hi hly of each other, and are, in fact, generally very wide awake when they meet; and, while adopting an air of reckless candour, have still ‘‘ got a little bit up their sleeve,” and are uncommonly suspicious of eyen their dearest and most intimate friends; though, of course, it immediately occurs to any logical

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 24, 1883,

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ATTN, \ ae Ait | \} OR, WANTED A WATER ACT.

mind that if you are not suspicious of your most intimate friends, of whose very smallest ways you know most, of whom would you be suspicious? As a rule, when two or more JOHNNIES meet, no matter how friendly they may be, they are, for the first five minutes, mutually distrustful. For instance, when Huenie BrEcuam is in a room with WitLie Wanp, Arcure DyksTERsHaAN and a few other “‘ Jounntgs,” the first assertion, or piece of information tendered by any one of the party is met in a spirit of determined incredulity b the others, who immediately throw out feelers, so to speak, an cautiously inquire whether ‘* there is a sell on” or not; and, if not, does he really mean it, and so forth. The next anxiety on the part of everybody, individually, is to be quite sure that he | has not been singled out to be the victim of a practical joke play: on by a combination company of all the others, and for the first quarter of an hour or so each man keeps his eye on the looking- piss, so as to command the general situation, and furtively puts is hand behind his back, to feel if there’s a piece of paper or a bit of string, or a long straw stuck under his coat- . After ascertaining, each one to his own satisfaction, that none of these contingencies have occurred, mutual confidence is gradually restored

until the time of departure arrives, when it becomes the one object of = man to get out of the room as quickly, and as safely, as possible. = As a rule, in spite of all this brotherly affection and calling of Christian names, the JoHNNIE keeps his hat on when in a room with other JoHNNIES, as, were it once off his head, it would be safe to be tampered with. For this reason among others, the JounNrE seldom carries an umbrella, usually preferring a hansom hired by the day following at his heels, in which he can take refuge at the first sign of rain. But he clings to his stick as to a talisman, and any ‘*nonsense ” with this he deeply resents. No, the Jounwnte’s stick is sacred,—at least, so long as he keeps it in his own hands: once out of them, and the other Jounnres will hide it and forget where they put it, or present it as a testimonial of r and attachment to some unsuspecting person, who accepts it in the most perfect good faith. This digression has arisen from the mention of WILLIE WDD, whose conversation chiefly consists of the catchy titles of the latest music-hall songs, who suspects everybody of selling him, who meets any piece of information with a sly wink, a shake of the head, and a thrust in the ribs or a hit on the shoulder, and the observation, ‘* Oh,

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e434 PsSPOorm a & || a Fesrvany 24, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. go along! ”—meaning thereby that he is not to be taken in, and that unless you take your oath of it (he is evidently a man of religious convictions), he will not believe you. I happened to remark to WILLIE Wapp that I was afraid I had a touch of gout, and was not, in a general way, “‘quite the thing,” when he at once hit me on the shoulder (a dangerous place for an invalid to be struck), said, ‘* You got the gout! Oh, Gos! , and insisted that I was “‘ selling him.” “Oh, yes,” he says, slily, ‘‘ there’s some sell on,—it won’t do, you know.’ vain argue reasonably wi in I try to bly with him. What possible object, I put it to him earnestly, could I have in pretending that I had the = when I hadn’t ? How could I sell him? Where was the sell ? “Oh yes,” he replies, shaking his head knowingly ; “it won’t do—go along!” And then he sings the refrain of a popular song, of which the burden is, ‘‘ I couldn’t tell a lie If I were to try, For I’m vere gay and hearty ”—which, being a decided reflection on me, both in my character of a strictly truthful man and an invalid, I cannot help resenting. I speak more in sorrow than in anger, like Hamlet's father’s ghost, and beg him to be serious for one moment, and to oblige me by believing what I say. Not that, as it occurred to me on after-consideration when alone, it could possibly matter to me whether WILLIE Wanp disbelieved me or not. And yet, on second thoughts, it might : for might he not tell his friends that I had been trying to sell him, and add, ‘*‘ Oh, he’s always doing it;” so that henceforth—for such a report would spread—any assertion‘of mine, no matter in what company it might be made, would be immediately met with winks of incredulity, would be treated as a stupid joke, and I should betold by everybody to“ Goalong!’? No—I feel I was quite right in assuming an earnest and serious tone, and thus impressing the flighty WmL1e Wapp, who, but for this, might have seriously damaged my character. When he found I meant what I said, and that I really had atouch of the gout, and was not altogether well, he evinced a deep sympathy, which, in my turn, I began to distrust ; and when he put his hand on my shoulder compassionately, I was obliged to stop the conversation, and ask him if he bad stuck a bit of paper on to my back, or under my coat-collar, or hung anything on my coat-tail buttons. He seemed hurt by my suspicions, and assured me he had done nothing of the sort. When, with a view of making a deeper impression on him, I —_ my Doctor’s advice to go away, ILLIE, who I do not think had been giving me his undivided attention up to this part, suddenly broke out with another comic song which seemed to him appropriate to the occasion. It was: ‘‘ She told me to go To Jericho: I said that I would do it” —when, by one of those inexplicable inspi- rations which occur when least expected, and which can only be called a ‘‘ Happy Thought,” the words seemed to take this form :— He told me to go To Monaco! I said that I would do it, And starting up, like WuIttrncTow when he heard the bells calling him back again to London (another Happy Thought this), I to Wri, “Yes, thanks; I will— much obliged for the suggestion,” — and then I left him, red, and still, I am con- vinced, under the impression that I had been “selling him”—though how he had be extremely difficult to say. But the been sold, or “‘ where the sell was,” it would | this — = eS s See .- — SSS VERS SSSRCOS SAIS NSS AL SN \ 2 ee ee SS Sass ko ~~ AS “MOPS AND BR—” (She left him to wait outside while she went into her Silk-Mercer’s in Oxford Street, But she did not see him again till he was brought home in a cab, in this disgraceful condition, at 1 a.m.) Wife (indignant), ‘*‘ You HAD BETTER NOT HAVE COME HOME AT ALL, GEORGE, THAN ARRIVE AFTER MIDNIGHT, AND IN THIS STATE!” Husband. “ NonsH'NsH, MARIA—MY DEAR GAL, HOW WASH’T Wx MISssH’D &’ SHOTHER ? _|I warrep F’you TILL SHrxsH—atT Bak SwisH-Fam’t 'Ros’sH—I MBEAN Pe’ Rop’nsn’N CRUSHO—’DON’T B'LIEVE ME, ASHK O’MMISH'NARE-MAN FRIDAY—8TANDSH AT DooR—iF I——” Wife (loftily), ‘‘I sau ao TO Bev, WHEN YOU SEE THE BILL, Siz, YOU'LL KNOW WHERE YOU LEFT ME!” quotation settled me—‘“‘ He told me to go to Monaco,”—and as I had for years been longing to go there—‘‘ I said that I would do it.”’ ; e Note for Pocket-Book Diary.—Called on Doctor. He said, ‘‘ Not gone away, eh?” I asked him what he thought of Monaco? By all means. Goto Nice and Monaco.” That quite determines me. Off to Monaco, vid Nice. Odd that the suggestion should have come from a comparative stranger. ‘Off, off!” said the stranger, “‘ off, off, and away !”—Have quoted is for years. What is it from? N.B.—Consult Quotation-Book, Notes and Queries,— and ‘‘G.A.S.’’ in the Illustrated London News.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 24, 1883. PICTURES FOR POSTERITY. POLICEMAN OF THE PERIOD, EQUIPPED FOR ENCOUNTER WITH ARMED BURGLAR, LAKES AND LOCOMOTIVES. (By Our Own Philistine.) [Proposals are under consideration to run railways round the head of Der- wentwater and round the shores of Loch Lomond.] Wuart ho! my merry Philistines, here’s news and no mistake ; They ’re going to run a railway round and spoil each pretty lake ; And near the famous cataract that SourHey sang of yore, The locomotive’s noise shall drown the murmur of Lodore. Loch Lomond, too, shall have her train, and I would ask, why not— There ’s ‘‘ naething like gude dividends,” is there, my canny Scot ? It’s very well in poetry to talk of ‘‘ banks and braes,” But we prefer another that punctually pays. Don’t rave about your scenery, what’s all such trash to me ? I only care for any view that brings in £ s. d. : And if you’d know the kind of scene that I regard with pride, A good coal-pit’s the fairest thing upon the country-side. A lake’s a very useless thing, and only serves to drown The lunatics who boat thereon ; but ta’en in pipes to town, As reservoir for waterworks, some little good it yields ; If not, it should be drained and made remunerative fields. Then a the merry trains run on until each echo wakes, And let the locomotives scream by Scotch and English lakes ; And as commercial travellers are whirled by streams and hills, They ’ll sigh to think the scenery is charged for in the bills! ARE ARTISTIC OPPORTUNITY.—Pvustic Sratve ror Dis- © posat.—Messrs. MrtForp, Borum, Leieuton, Fereusson & Co., having received instructions from the trustees of that peculiar and valuable artistic moperty, commonly known as the ‘‘ Duke of Wel- lington’s Statue,’ sometime prominently situate at Hyde-Park Corner, to dispose of the same as soon as possible to the greatest advantage, are prepared to receive tenders for the immediate recep- tion either of the whole as it stands, or of various selected portions by private arrangement. The attention of intending purchasers in dinmeee me pens line is yy . directed to ~ ee see possessed by grotesque lot for the purposes of provincial adver- tisement. Horse ered te had se .- Duke no object. N.B.— The latter would make a bold and graceful figure-head to a steam- launch requiring a little weighting in the bows, or could, covered with luminous paint, and seated on a en wall, be utilised as a handsome and effective scare to burg Might, in combination with quinine, form the basis of a popular patent medicine. No reasonable offer refused. Would be glad to hear from a County Lunatic Asylum"in want of a new sensation. For further particulars apply at the Committee Rooms as above. ‘*Reapy, AYE Reapy’’-Mongy FoR THE Nationa Lire-Boat Fourv.—Mr. Punch begs to acknowledge one guinea from Miss E. Eras, and ten pounds from ‘‘ AvE Reapy,” Glasgow. THAT KIRBY GREEN! (As frequently sung at F. 0.) “On receipt of the disquieting rumour, Mr. Kirpy GR&EN instantly started for Cettinje.”—Datly Paper. Ou, an active chap is that Krrpy Green, And we’ve heard his name of old! All over the place he’s sure to be seen, If a Bosnian gets too bold. __ Bless you, of a row he’s not afraid ;— Why, a fight all round’s his whim: And though at the news we’re all dismayed, It’s the wildest fun for him. In a row down East he’s sure to be seen : Oh, an active chap is that Krrpy Green ! A JEROMIAD. (Supplementary.) THE official ‘‘ confidential communication ” as to his future policy and proceedings, that somehow or other a distinguished Pretender managed to slip, the other day, into the leading columns of a con- temporary, though encouraging and explicit, omitted to make the following gratifying announcements :— 1) His relations with his tradesmen and the other Great Powers of Europe are ve ap so ~ (2) attitude towards the nation in face of recent events, will still be one of comic fatherly interest. i (3) It is his intention, pending the development of further great political problems, to fit himself for the responsibilities of a national crisis, by accepting a temporary engagement as Clown in a travelling cus. (4) He will not, therefore, after mature deliberation, demand a plébiscite of the nation—just at present. A FORLORN HOPE. At a meeting of the London Diocesan Con- ference, Mr. BrrEsrorD Hope, speaking ver much against the Deceased Wife’s Sister Bill, is reported by the Morning Post to have said, “*Change the law, and could the sister-in-law enter the house? (‘‘No/’’) Yes; if there were a little private arrangement between them, she could—(Zaughter.)—but if she were a pure and holy woman, who meant to continue a sister-in- law, she could not.” Mister BErEsFoRD Horg Took plenty of rope When he spoke with misplaced hilari Upon the Deceased Wife’s Sister Bill, But of women and men he thinks 0 ill, That he ’s Hors without any charity. For ourselves, with faith in the ultimate jer of common sense, we venture to hope against Horr that this act of justice may speedily become law. AVIS IN TERRIS. (A Long Way after Vincent Bourne.) THERE is a new—political—bird, With the croakiest croak that ever was heard, In a state of alarm that is most absurd, With fright every feather on end is stirred, And into despair he ’d us. He views the State’s great roundabout, With the Liberals in and the Tories out, And he hasn’t the tiniest bit of a doubt That we’re going wrong, and shall end in rout; And he knows the reason, and croaks it about, And whenever he goes on the stump to spout, He cries—what cries he P— Caucus ! ! ! ‘Speak gently to the——Meerschaum ! ” AccorDiIné toa local paper, the Mayor of Hastings and his brother Magistrates, the other day, fined a young man five gs for swear- ing at his pipe, when he oo it, on a Sunday. The Mayor pro- bably had never had the ortune to drop a utifully-coloured meerschaum in the street. However, this decision be a warning to visitors. A great many are now compelled to remain indoors. @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings. by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. , be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders.

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@ So es Secor _— Marca 3, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, —— OUR AGREEABLE BIRTHDAY-BOCK SERIES.—No. 3. DICKENS—POPE—GOLDSMITH. - [Method of using this :—The Motto to face page with dates where your Friends will inscribe their names, The Motto not to be shown till the signature is complete. | Makcu 15. A prowling prying hound; a hypocrite; a double-faced, white- livered, sneaking spy ; a crouch- ing eur to those that feed and coax him, and a barking yelping dog to all besides. A fat-faced puss she is, as ever I came across. Makrcs 31. He furthermore took occasion to apologise for any negligence that might be perceptible in his dress, on the ground that last night he had had “‘the sun very strong in his eyes.” And drinking largely Sandia Renta ignorantly read, With loads of learned lum-| 4 ber in his head. wretched Ch oh eS bani Ny é em tr | ; The bookful blockhead, | g),, glares at balls, front-| A fool, ¥ vs boxes and the ri the ring, | than half , vain, unquiet, glitt’ring,|Too rash for thought, for refined. Aa a : i Most women have no character at all. thing. action too In wild excess the vulgar | __ breast takes fire Till buried in debauch the bliss expire. Hence ostentation here, with tawdry art, Pants for the vulgar praise which fools impart. Remote, unfriended, ’ . —_ melancholy, slow. Eo sive, See 2 ah} to charming maid, I’ll give thee —to the d——{ Ahem !) = CORPORATIONS AND QUITTANCES. Onty think of the privilege a parchment expresses, As pertaining to Queensborough's loyal burgesses. There is no Corporation old; English more thorough Than the jolly burgesses of this ancient borough. hey are quit, in the whole Of this kingdom, of toll; Of pannage and murage and hagage and pickage ; Of groundage and lastage they likewise are free ; Of stallage and tidage in this sharp and quick age: Moreover of rivage and wreck of the sea. Then Okehampton e’en yet (’tis a fact and no fiction), By a Charter that CoarLey Secunpus conferred, Enjoys, only fancy, its own jurisdiction meerning all manner—don’t deem it absurd— Of felonies, witchcrafts, withal incantations And sorceries, magic arts also, the same, Forestallings, tings, extortions—vexations regra Of that sort whatsoever a lawyer may name. a VENTILATING QUESTIONS ; OR, THE STRANGER ON THE EMBANKMENT, 1. Cay this dirty-looking place where the boards and bricks are scattered about, and where workmen are trampling on flower-beds, and-wheeling barrows of rubbish to and from an immense pit, be really what the Guide-book describes as “‘ the lovely Public Gardens by the side of the Thames,” or is it a privet brick-field P 2. I had always heard that the Embankment was ‘‘the finest Boulevard in Europe.” Is it possible that the selfishness of private enterprise, or the supineness of public authority, should allow the only unequalled and unrivalled thoroughfare which London possesses to be utterly ruined ? * 3. This third-rate shed, seventy feet long, and twenty high, and built-in the plainest style of Neo-Gothic red-brick-and-slate archi- tecture, must be either an experimental design for a cheaper kind of | workhouse, or one of the ventilators of the Underground Railway. 4. I wonder if it is really true that the Underground Railway Company are about to obtain powers to open a ventilating shaft in the nave of Westminster Abbey ? vo . LXXXIV.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Marcu 3, 1883, AN ENCORE VERSE. (From THE RocupaLzE Sone-Boox.) “Tt is quite impossible, therefore, for me to accept your invitation for the coming month, and I cannot hope to take part in the interesting proceedings to which you have invited me. . . . But I may say some- thing more. I never liked the sea.””—Reply of Mr. Bricut to the New York Union League Club. JOLLY JOHN BRIGHT IN HIS FAMOUS SONG, “I NEVER WAS MEANT FOR THE SEA.” I but reply, ‘‘ You plead in vain, Because, to tell the truth, There ’s a queer up-and-down on the ocean, : An un-parliamentary motion, say, “* Then, why not cross the main P— | Which suggests, ualik e CHILDERSand GoscHEN, the dreams of youth ?” I never was meant for the Sea!” I’vx faced an Opposition gale, I trust, in ect form: I’ve never known my courage fail In any Party storm. ve CoMMERCIAL PatHos.—A NEw and original advertising attraction in the window of a mercer's shop, beside the main street of a Western suburb, appeals to the desiderated pur- chaser in the form of a ticket posted on a peculiar style of lady’s fur bonnet, and bearing the —- legend—" DesPERATE. 1s. 2$d.” This is probably meant to imply that, in the article so labelled, utility and elegance are combined in so great a measure with such extreme economy as to constitute an instance of commercial enterprise courageous even to the daring of desperation. The single word thus significant has poetry as well as pith in it. BANK NOTES. EXTRACT FROM THE Diary OF A FLOODED RipaRIAN, Sunday.—“ Riverside.” Charming name I thought this when I took the place last summer. Never thought the river would put on so much side as it does now, ax All over the lawn, and still rising. ad to FS to church in a punt. Great fun. Children a Se and ar ~ came in a pair oar, steered by Or . Organist fell Tito the water on alien: had to be dried instead of playing the organ. On return, butler reports water very high in cellar. Fear the bin of Thirty-four port may get diluted. Youngest baby carried away in perambulator by stream. Had to pay five shillings for rescue. ee nearly up to front door. Dist: swans tap with their beaks at the drawing-room windows. Wonder how the foundations of the house are. Fancy the tall chimney over the billiard-room looks out of the upright. Water in cellar rising. Butler says wine must be moved at once. Tuesday.—A dying cow landed in front of the drawing-room window; groans awful! Why couldn’t it die in the stream instead of coming here? Bellows! Expires! What am I to do with it? Shove it off! I see it go whirling down the stream, and it will probably block up the lock. ~ 1 it will. Water trickling through the hall. Butler nearly drowned in gallant efforts to rescue Thirty-four port. ‘ Wednesday.—Arrival of butcher in punt with a lot of nice joints he is anxious to sell o-. Think of my old friend the cow. on’t have anything. Butcher comes back and wants to know if I have noticed the tall chimney over the billiard- room. Says he fancies it’s ‘‘ settling a bit.” Wonder whether he is in earnest, or whether it is only because I would not have anything to say to the joints. Wonder whether it ts “settling a bit.” If it does, it will settle us all a bit, limagine. Butler with acute rheumatism in both knees, in con- mence of wading for the wine. Capital subject forsong,‘‘ The Wading forthe Wine.” ursday.—Water still rising. Slime three inches deep over the drawing-room carpet. Postman dropped letters out of his boat in delivery. All of great im- pemene. They are ee at London ridge by this time. The Governess’s ankle severely bitten by a large ferocious and hungry = which swam into the schovl- room. Governess has to go to bed. Great joy of girls. Boy reports water three feet in the knife-house. Sixteen pairs of boots washed away altogether. Four ducks swim in at the front-door, and round the dining- room. Cook washed out of the kitchen along with a milky rice-pudding for the nursery dinner. Only cold meat for dinner, and most of it very damp. Friday.—Fowl-house carried away by flood, the fowls drowned. No letters. No newspapers. No milk. Gardener says he thinks he saw long chimney over the illiard-room rock. Fancy I observe two large cracks in dining-room ceiling. A shoal of eels caught inside the grand piano. Paper beginning to peel off the walls. The whole wee smells like the pound of a lock when the water is drawn down. Governess still laid up. Girls uproarious. Mamma sends them all to bed. Bread-and-cheese and bottled-stout strongly flavoured with mud, for dinner. ; Saturday.—Water much higher. Furni- ture floating about generally on the ground- floor, and proof-engravings falling out of

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+ ad t ) :) r 8 ) r 8 r 7 i Phar © @PtirPaetctt Orit a” Marce 3, 1883,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL their frames. A big uprooted elm-tree and a dead pig are jammed in the porch, and the flower-beds on the lawn have all been carried into the shrubbery. I see my wife’s new brougham float past the window when Iam dressing. Nothing for breakfast but wet captain’s biscuits and a bottle of Thirty- four the fai butler has rescned from the general smash. Windows won’t open, doors won’t shut. I do really believe the house is “‘settling.”” Waterrunning through the hall like a mill-stream, breakers on the door-step, weeds on the umbrella-stand. The babies are crying, the girls are getting frightened, and their Mamma alarmed. There is a boat at the front-door, and an official tells me the Thames Conservanc steamer is lying off the lawn, and I’ better put all my people aboard without delay, as he thinks the house may be washed away altogether. TO AQUARIUS. Look here, you old hydropot, can’t you just vary us Weather a little? This is not hilarious ! Slop has its limits. Come, don’t be con- trarious ! Man’s occupations are most multifarious, Can’t all be played in a pool, and vicarious Ducks, frogs, or fishes can’t help, ah! no “nary” us, So that you place in a precious quandary us. Weare worse off than contemplative Marius. His were dry ruins, his seat was calcareous. We should just squat in a swamp like gre- garious Frogs. Once our weather was—well, at east east various, Now it would liquify Saint Januarius’ Self, in the body. Give old Sagittarius Sol and his arrows, dear Aquarius! LETTER TO THE EDITOR. Deak Mr. Ponca, I wisH to put my case before you. I am twenty-two years of age, strong, active, and willing to work, but I cannot stand the drudgery of an office. Would the Colonies suit me? I incline myself to Manitoba. What is the climate like there? Is there any shooting there? Can you tell me about the fishing ? What sort of work is a gentleman expected todo? Is there a good opening for a young fellow who would ride about on a horse all day? If you will answer these questions by return of post, and also use your great influence to get me a free passage, you will greatly oblige ours sincerely, TrmoTHy CouNTER. Messrs. Baggs § Bunns, 13, Brandy Lane, E.C. New Reading. (Commended to the attention of Supporters of the Salvation and Skeleton Armies.) cer reese eace sho e street. Where business drives and Fashion crawls, ** Armies” should never meet ! “Way can’t they speak out direct?” exclaimed Mrs. RamssorHam. ‘‘I do hate amphibious phrases.” “ Cross Purposss ”—To oppose the Affir- mation Bill, es GENEALOGICAL. The Rector. ‘‘ A VERY NICE-LOOKING Youna WomAN, Gitson. Dip I HEAR RIGHTLY THAT SHE WAS YOUR DavuGHTER?” Rustic, ‘‘Yxs, Srr, SHE WAR—Susy wak!”’ The Rector. ‘*‘ How DO YOU MEAN—Was ?” Rustic, ‘‘ WkLL, you sRF, Sir, FAITHER, HE MARRIED AGAIN, AND IN COURSE I CALLED HIS Missus ‘ MoTHER,’ AND WHEN HE DIED SHE MARRIED BILL ToMKINS, SON 0’ Jack Tom- KINS, AND I’M BLESSED IF MY SUSY DIDN'T SET UP AND MARRY JACK, WHO WAR A FRESHISH OLD Caap. Now, wHat I WANT TO KNOW I8, AIN’T Susy My GRANDMOTHER ?” ‘*Dancer’s Lanp Scanpat.”—(Vide Daily Telegraph last Saturday.)—Quite appro- priately, ‘‘ Dancer’s Land” is associated with the doings of Vestries. THERE ’s going to be a Tramway up to the highest point of Hampstead Heath. The Hamp- Pin aed am a that ‘‘ this will = a great aaa.” ” Weagehennes will be in demand. ‘‘ InpEPENDENT of his title, he is a great and good man,” said Mrs. RamsporHaM. ‘‘ As the Poet says, ‘The rank is but a penny stamp, the man’s the gold for a’ that.’”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Marcu 3, 1883, VERY LIKELY. Effie (to pretty Nursemaid). *‘On, Mantua, DID you skrE? THAT POLICEMAN WINKED His Eve at ME!” A “CASTE” IN OUR EYE. UnpovustTepty the best of RospEeRrtson’s comedies. From first to last it is amusing, and always more or less interesting, according to the capability of the performers. The parts are all true to Nature, —allowing here and there for a certain exaggeration necessary to Drama,—and the Actors have only to be true to art. How well this is done may be seen in . BANCROFT’S admirableimpersonation of Polly Eccles, Mr. Ban- crorr’s Captain Hawtree, and Mr. Davy JamEs’s Eccles,—though, in the last instance, this clever artist is too much in- clined to be gentle to the old villain’s vices, and to tone down the character into a weak, besotted old fool,—to “‘ draw it mild,” in fact,—instead of in- sisting on the more re- pulsive features of the character. A Hit. An umrehearsed effect. “Don’t Eccles has grown old in make a noise, or else you’ll wake the Baby!’” wickedness: he is a de- praved Captain Costigan ; a brute whose cruelty killed his wife, who made his weaker daughter his drudge, who beat and bullied her (we know all this from her own account), who would have sold his girls to the highest bidder, «| dramatis persone all round, without | his boots, that he | to be linked for or committed any crime, had the onnertentiy, offered and the reward sufficient. It is a mistake, thongh probably not so from a Low Comedian’s point of view, to give undue prominence to the temporary maudlin or convivial aspect of this irreclaimable old scoundrel. RoBERTSON was inspired by THACKERAY in many of his pieces: in ag emer * Seeeeet 20-98 Macles said, on Costigan; Hawtree is a fashionable Dobbin ; Polly Eccles is a Nery, Fanny Bolton: and Sam Cerrtdge te tesinded ot Bans Hate hn distinc, Pendennis as cordially as Gerridge does Hawitree, and who. marries Fanny Bolton. I 4 The dialogue is not brilliant,—that is, if by ‘! brilliant ’’ is meant a lot of sharp epigrammatic sentences dealt out at hap-hazard to the : x reference to their indiyidu- ality, and worked up into dialogue,—but it_is thoroughly,matural. Polly talks as such a Polly would talk, and her mul Bake shout Hawtree looking as if he were ‘‘ superior to 1. andup to tongne glazed,” is thoroughly enjoyed by, the audience as being; ca “for her”’—due credit being given, of, course, for the; inimitable way in which it is given by Mrs.- Bancrorrt. wits errtdge too brutal. He looks like Mr. BRooxFIELD makes Sam Gi a ruffianly costermonger, lurching and sulking about, as if he’d got a knife in his iter et_to stick — P t ps ee | nO se ie Ee ae ¢ Mi fo} st im. qf \ > ea into Hawitree ; and so evident is it. that he only wants just a more pro- vocation from Polly in order to give her a con- vincing proof of the thickness of excites A — passion of the a for ~ sprightly gir whose fate it is life to this ruf- _ Fearful Scene between Sulky Sam and Polly in the fian,and who will Borough Road. ‘Who gave you those rings?” come out of her honeymoon with a black eye, aching bones, and a broken heart. So ** nasty’ appears to be his temper, that worst suspicions must have been oa the glitter of the numerous gold rings which ornament Polly Lccles’ fingers, Polly is only a et-girl, reéeiving a pound a week, and, of course, it must speak very high! for her thrift if, after subscribing to the household expenses an giving father his sixpence on Saturday, she can have saved up pabinw to buy rings representing, we should say, a matter of about a few hundr } an eye to those ornaments, a his manner, we should surmise that he intends to marry her first, beat her next, rob her after- wards, and realise as much as he can on the jewellery. We don’t think RopertTson ever meant Polly Eccles to wear these rings,—at all events, not without some explanation as to their being honestly come by. Sam is instinctively jealous of Hawtree, and we fancy that if he had caught them in that back kitchen, to which they retire for a considerable time, in the First Act, there would either have been a big row, or Sam would have accepted the situation, and looked forward to a further instalment of diamond rings. - The Honourable George D’ Alroy is made rather too hard by Mr. Conway; he does not impress us as being really in love with his wife, or caring a scrap for his mother. Whether Miss Grranp, as Esther, is too theatrical when she ought to be natural, as in her grief in the Second Act, and in her burst of passion in the ird, and too natural when she might well theatrical—that is, when at ; home, in the First Act, where, we may say, the ‘‘ scent of the foot- lights is a them a diffic 4 to decide; but in neither instance did she appear to win sympathy. - Mrs. LING, as the eve Dae perfect. Had the Author been living now, we fancy he would not have brought on pounds or so. Sam A Man who strikes us with ri “Aw!” Eccles and Sam in the Second Act, and would have cut out all the

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sw Sv _— at Maron 3, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 101 lines which from time to time are lugged in to attract the attention of the audience to the word ‘‘ Caste,” as if he himself was doubtful as to the congruity of the title with the story, and was anxious to lose no occasion of connecting it with the action, as if the whole thing were a charade. Perhaps we may be hypercritical, if so, it must be set down to obli- quity of vision from the fact of having a “Caste” in our eye when we went to the Haymarket. But, be this as it may, the performance is well worth seeing, the play is charming, and the evening . passes only too \\ quickly ; laugh- ter and tears alternate, and in view of its being shelved for Fedora, we ad- vise everyone to see it while they can, or hereafter those who have missed the chance will regretfully own that ‘‘ they have lost Caste.” As we were leaving the theatre, a friend, deepl interested in the play, observed thoughtfully to us—‘‘ wonder what the future of all these people would be in a Fourth Act.” He has since thought it out, and the following is the result :— ACT IV. The Scene represents the drawing-room of a nine-roomed Villa at Brixton Rise. EstTHER discovered sewing together little — pieces of brightly-coloured satin, and embroidering them with spangles. Enter Potty, quietly but handsomely dressed. Polly (announcing herself). ‘‘Mrs. SamuEL GeEr- RipGk.’”’ Where’s your butler ? Esther. Ah, Potty, it isn’t always a butler that makes the true happiness of married life. Polly. No; it’s his livery. Happy? Why, you haven’t even got your title on the door-plate ! Esther. No, indeed not. For my brave and reflective GxrorGE is so good. He says that as he has discovered it is quite impossible that 1 can ever live up to his rank, he do his best and try and live down to mine. He is going on the Stage. See—(holding up her work)— Iam making him his first Harlequin’s dress! Polly. I hope it’s loose. Esther. It is, dear. But now tell me about Sam. Polly, SAMUEL, if you please. Don’t cut him in half e an over-sized orange. You forget that I’m in Society, and that he’s up for the Junior Carlton. Enter D’Atroy. He ts carrying a baby in his arms, and ts followed by five other children, ranging respectively in age from six downwards, and all more or less bruised, and covered with mud. D' Alroy. Ah, my darling ; we’ve had such a glorious morning in Kennington Park! I’ve been lying on my back and kicking all the children into the air. Look at them! I should have balanced the baby, only the Police interfered. Esther. My brave, dear, clumsy, but daring Gzorex! My husband! Who would have thought that when I married you I should ever have lived to be the mother of the talented D’ Alroy ie > \s D’Alroy (kissing her). My own dear, true, little vulgar-minded wife (taking down his regimental sword). By the bye, this may as well find its way to Atten- borough’s—eh ? Esther. No, darling. Keep it, and swallow it—for my sake ! [ They embrace, Enter Hawrere. He has on a mechanic's brown-paper cap and soiled brown holland apron. aes ft Good gracious! What is the matter with the or The Ma-quizzy-ing them. Hawitree. Gas. Fact. Gone in for trade, you know. Couldn’t pull along with that good fellow, GerBipG#, in any other way. Aw—no! D’ Alroy. But I thought you had been trying to do the Park with him ? Hawitree. Aw—yaas. D’ Alroy. And got cut by every fellow you met? Hawtree. Aw—yaas. D’ Alroy. And so then you put him up at the Club? Eh? Hawtree. Aw—yaas. D Alroy. And he has been thunderingly pilled ? Hawtree. Aw—yaas. Polly. Well, then, the firm is henceforth Gzrripez, Hawrere & Co.? I rather like the sound of it. How odd, that you should finish up with gas! D’you know now you always did look to me something like a lamp-post. Hawtree. Aw—firm-footed—I suppose ? Polly. No. Light-headed. [ They go up the stage. Enter GERRIDGE with the Marquise DE St. Maur on his arm. Marquise (releasing him). Thanks! Ah, Grorez, my dear boy, you know that I have long been endeavouring to accommodate myself to the unique circumstances and surroundings of your new connections, with all the hereditar tact and determination of our race. Hitherto I have only partially succeeded. To-day, it is true, on my way here, at the earnest solicitation of this charmingly original young man, I stopped and partook of a recherché little déjetiner sans fourchette of whelks at a stall in the Borough Road. Gerridge. 1 stood ’em. Marquise (smiling). And no Bayard could have done more. But I am now going, to crown my efforts by a supreme act the like of which even my old riend Frotssart has not yet had to chronicle. I owe you all restitution and apology for feelings cruelly wounded in the past. I can think of no reparation so fitting and complete as this. (She opens door, and leads in Ecctxs. He is perfectly sober, respectably dressed, and decorated with the badge of the Blue Ribbon Army.) Once, in a fit of foolish pride, I said there was ‘‘ no Eccrzs.”’ I know there is an Eccixs now. GkrorGeE, behold your future stepfather ! George. This is indeed, dear mother, a pleasure and a surprise! Can it really be true P Eccles. Yes, my boy! Sings) ‘They have married me to a Marquizzy.” Marquise. And you see he is already voué au Ruban bleu ! Eccles. Just so. And as I don’t happen to have a friend awaiting round the corner, I shouldn’t mind a gallon or two of tea, if there’s any going. Re Of course. Come along all of you. This ismyday. Five o’clock— shrimps. All. With pleasure. [They prepare to adjourn, Hawiree. By Jove! And after this people talk of— Caste ! Curtain, Sorprers on ‘‘ Frencn Leave.”’—The Orleans Dukes have scored a victory. Although “‘ in retreat,” they have gained ground. New Eprrion oF an Otp Leeat Pozzie.—Sir Percy ‘‘ SHELLEY’s Case.”’ CRUISE OF THE CREWS. By Dumb-Crambo Junior. A Short Spell, ‘¢ The Crew were more lively on the Journey.”

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—_—s <4 Ss . aS ~ v iN 1) HEAPING ON THE HORRORS! Lady Midas. ** AND WE WERE BUSTLED INTO THE TRAIN ANYHOW, MY DEAR Mrs. pt TOMPKYNS; AND ONLY IMAGINE OUR HORROR, WH&N THE TRAIN HAD STARTED, AT DISCOVERING THAT WE WERE ACTUALLY IN A SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGE! //” Grigsby (innocently). ‘Dean mz! Yus! Very AWKWARD INDEED! You’p TAKEN THIRD-cLass TickETs, I suPPosE?” (Horror of Lady and Miss Midas, who generally take a Saloon Carriage all to themselves / Z <LoF SS _ ror Se.

“THE HIDDEN HAND.” As the coiled snake strikes from the jungle’s shade, In the wood’s dim shimm ering unbetrayed ; As the lightning flames from the sable cloud, And leaves no track on the night’s black shroud, So comes—the curse of a troubled land— Out from the dark! The Hidden Hand. Must the sleuth-hound fail Of seent at foot of the dusky veil ? Follow close the ensanguined Of skulking Murd track er, and then fall back Baffled, missing the Hand, that slays, That prompts, and pays ? Hired assassins, who slay for hire, May fill the toils till the trackers tire ; Vile are their venal hands, yet worse The hidden fingers that clutch the purse ; Curst gold that s ms and points the knife At Erin’s life. Secret, sinister, unrevealed, Ruthless ever ; though still concealed. Quivers it not with a late-born fear ? Shivers it not as the hour draws near : The hour that shall yet drag forth and brand di and P

An ARRANGEMENT In ConDIMENTS.—Rude people call Mr. WHIst- LER’S new geleey however, they the etchings. the ‘‘ Mustard Pot.” If they look on the wall ill find plenty of the real Salt of Art, in many of

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, Feb. 19.—‘‘ I’m not much up in Agriculture,” said Mr. Barkan, surveying the house critically, as if measuring it for a new suit; ‘‘ but I hear it’s in a very depressed state. Certainly depression is admirably reflected in the debate. Think I’ll go and spend the evening with my friend GRANVILLE.” Happy man, BARRAN, to be so fertile in acquaintance and opportunity! I stop here all night; feel a strong tendency to howl. Agriculture certainly not more depressed than my spirits. BakTreLor amusing for a few minutes. Quite an interesting game to check off how often he says, ‘‘ I am one of those,” and how often, ‘**T am not one of those.” In the first quarter of an hour of speech to-night had said one seven times, and the other eight. Del t him ‘Wot one of those,” but expect should have heard ‘him balance it in the course of next five minutes, if I could have stopped. But life is sweet, and if one must die young, let it not be of vertigo ensuing on attempt to follow a trail of Se one of Sir WaLtER Bartretor’s sentences. Worst of him is, he really seems to be saying something. So emphatic, so impressive, so self-convinced. Emphasis always falls in wrong place; gets attentive hearer off on wrong scent as to secret meaning of a preposition, and fiercely indi- cates that there’s more in a conjunction than meets the eye. I believe the Alderman is the only living being who understands him. Cheers him vigorously, and nods his he a Sir Water says, “ I am not one of those,” and startles the House with terrific cheer when, little later, the worthy Baronet, uplifting his voice, and indi tly shaking his forefinger at the quivering Treasury Bench, slowly thunders forth, ‘1 am one of those.” | Quite a relief when, at half-past twelve, the Bradlaugh business came on again. The Burly B. under the Gallery ready for —- thing that might turn up. But nothing did turn up, except Mr. Newpreate. Sackeloth and ashes out of fashion now; but Good

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Manrcu 3, 1883. | i) || \\] \ | all \ | | | | | | (at \ \ yi | m \ ‘ Wit i i | | iP A \ | (Ua V\\ \ } | \ iy \- ‘i | | | AN, RASS WSs SS “THE HIDDEN HAND.”

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Marcu 3, 1883, ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 105 Old Man had ruffled his hair, mangled his shirt collar, pulled his scarf awry, rubbed his hat on the wrong side of the nap, and thus arrayed (“like JEREMIAH in a dull moment,” as Sir CaakLes DILKE said), announced that he’d made up his mind not to vote against Bill at this stage. Sepulchral tones, mournful inflection, woebegone countenance. Then, holding the ruffled hat well out so that it might have due effect, he solemnly strode forth shaking off dust of House from his feet. A sight to make angels weep; but ribald House only ughed. "ion done.—Rambled round Address. Tuesday Night.—Still thinking of forming a Fifth Party. Engaged in studying the Fourth. ; ** Always attend to details,” as NAPOLEON THE FIRST said, when crossing the Alps. ‘‘ Trifles are the seed of great accomplishments.” Fancy there must be something in the oratorical attitude of the Fourth Party that has led totheir success. Each has distinct wa of standing whilst addressing the House. Sir Henry Wo trr, wit AYN) Divas. aya . | rg SY ae 4 Toby on Guard. arms akimbo, legs slighty astride, chest expanded, and a pleasant smile lurkin ut his massive countenance, stands well out in view of the House. If he os stood there and said nothing, the — would be eloquent. ‘‘ Here I am, a buttress of Church and tate, the censor of diplomatic jobs, a guardian of British Honour, custodian of the Mediterranean from Gibraltar to Alexandria.” RanDotrH makes all his points with his left toe. If the SPEAKER were to rule it out of order that Members addressing the House should stand on their right leg, with the left heel downwards, and the tip of shoe pointing to the ceiling, RanpoLPH would be dumb. Wish we’d thought of that when Rules of Procedure oing through. Fancy could have worked in an Amendment by large majority. his pedal movement more remarkable, since Mr. Gorst, watchful of his great leader, frequently imitates it,"in variation of an earlier manner of balancing his body from foot to foot, as if the iron floor of the House were uncomforta (4 hot. Mr. Batrovr bends his tall figure over the House as if he loved it, certain that all would be well it it would yield to his guidance and throw out Mr. GLapsTonE. ~ ll an my party together, and drill them in these various a es, To-night, full opportunity of studying the Lord Chancellor Gorsr, who moves Amendment on Address, and trots out old stories about ainham. Rapturous cheering from Mr. Wanton, Mr. Alder- man Fow1er, and Lord Ranpotps, himself, who has lent his seat to the Lonp CHANCELLOR, and hands him up his extracts. “A six-and-eightpenny sort of young man, Gorst,” said Har- court. ‘A great light lost to Police-Court practice. Would have shone in dark recesses of County Courts, or even made a name on the blazing roll of Quarter-Sessions fame. A little acid for the House of Commons.” , But then Mr, Gorsr had just referred to the Home SzcRETaRyY as incompetent.” Business done.—Strolling through Address. Wednesday Night.—Very dull afternoon in House of Commons. ForstEr one hanging back, waiting for ParnEeLt. PARNELL Waiting for ForstER. Meantime, hours must be occupied, and various speeches delivered. At eight o’clock Liberal Party adjourned to Devonshire Club. ected Mr. Carne Speaker. Very interesting gene yen. oa Mr. 8. SurrH took the oath and his seat for Liverpool, and subsequently | made short speech. Speech of evening, Lord Richarp GRosVENOR’s. Summed up whole duty of Liberal Member under three heads :— (1) Always vote with the Government ; (2) Always dine in the House of Commons ; (3) Never speak unless you are intimately acquainted with the subject. This last might well be emblazoned over Speaker’s chair. Would do more to shorten Parliamentary proceedings than any other form of cléture. ‘ ’ Wonderful dormant talent for oratory among the Whips! Sir Witt1am Dyke now becoming one of chief orators on Front Bench. Lord RicHarp never speaks in the House, but evidently not because he can’t. Lord Kenstneron a model speaker. Occasionally, in capacity of Vice-Chamberlain, brings in messages from high lati- tudes. Does he, by way of introduction, glance at the Heptarchy, trace the gro of Royalty, touch upon the interruption of the Commonwealth, dilate upon the domestic felicity of the Gronczs, summarise the principal events of the Victorian Era, and then arrive at his speech? Hedoes not. He says, ‘‘ A Message from the QueEEN,” walks up to the table, reads it, and then goes his way. We want a little more of that kind of oratory in the House. Business done.— Afternoon wasted. Thursday Night.—At exactly seventeen minutes to eight The O'Ketxy exploded. Saw it coming for some time. Steam up within ten minutes of ForsTER’s rising. At first seemed likely that Mr. O’Brien, the latest messenger of peace from Ireland, would go off first. Fortunately, had O’DonnELL to look after him, who suc- ceeded in keeping him noe ‘* Never do anything violent,” Mr. O’DonNELL whispered in ear of neophyte. ‘‘ Violence doesn’t do here. Always puts you at dis- advantage. Be calm. Carefully select your words, and you will prosper. But never throw your boot at the head of the SPEaKER, or tear up the Bench to obtain an additional argument wherewith to convince a Minister.” This counsel prevailed with O’Brrzn, still young to the place. eel poo O’ Kz1ty too old a steam-engine to be cooled down by jets of sort. ‘* When the O’Ketty begins to simmer, be sure he’l bust,” JosEPH GILLIs said, in that sententious way recently adopted ; and ‘* bust ” he did, throwing off his balance for a moment, ForsTER, who had been sitting on safety-valve. ‘Dear me!” said Sir Coartes Forster, when the fragments of The O’Ketty were picked up, and carried out in two baskets. ‘* Place begins to have quite a home-feeling. Been sitting here a week now, and this is the first Irish Member expelled.” ForstER walked home to late dinner in highest spirits. , ** My dear Toy,” he said, stretching his mighty limbs, and putting his coat on upside down for a few minutes to refresh himeelf. (Wouldn’t have noticed the change, only saw him doit.) ‘‘ This is the best night I have had since I made statement in the House on resignation, and gave my old colleagues a dig here and there. I have suffered a good deal from Parnett and his friends. Have sat night after night, and been pelted with mud and stones by them. Had to bear it patiently, and you knowldid. But I don’t forget, and to-night rather think I paid off old scores. Am a man of peace, as befits my Quaker parentage. But I own I like a fight, especially when I choose my time, get a man in a corner, and can pound him at leisure.” Business done.—Mr. PaRnE tt indicted. Saturday.— PARNELL came up to time to-night, and the great wrestling-match over. Betting up to last moment fifty to one on the heavy weight. Seemed to have everything in his favour, espe- cially facts. But light weight made up in skill for what he elsewhere “Time!” lacked. Instead of getting out of Forsrer’s way, ran straight at him, gri him tightly, and if one had not been so heavy and other ripped might have thrown him. House amazed. In sooth, regarded as play, very pretty. But only play. Business done.—Mr. Gorst’s Amendment rejected by 250 votes against 176,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mance 3, 1883, a UN A \ \\\ \\\ \Y A \\ BN, \ ‘ \// AMBIGUOUS! His Own, *‘T LIKE TO LEAN AGAINST youR Heap, JouHN. Y { We 4: / Privat [Gh = | f WV, 2 aS hs iil (CH Si Se ATS pest Ir 's so Sorr!” — THE MAGNATE AND THE SILVER STREAK. Arr—"‘ The Magnet and the Silver Churn.” A Maewarte sat in a big board-room, Bat on his brow was a cloud of gloom ; And as he sits in the Chairman’s chair, He talks to the bold Directors there. He rolls his eye around and he scans The railwa ee and the foreshore plans: Says he, ‘‘ Now listen, and, while I speak, I’ll quite demolish the Silver Streak ! The Silver Streak! The Silver Streak! ** Don’t think 1’m funning, But I’ve a cunning Plan that is quite unique: A I’ll sink a funnel, > And drive a Tunnel Beneath the Silver Streak !” The Army, Navy, and Royal Marines, And Dukes, and Bishops, and Rural Deans ; The Volunteers and the Coastguard too, Said, ‘‘ Oh dear me, this will never do!” And all declared they should be much vext If Dover to France were thus annext : They howled and yelled at the railway clique, Who sought to tunnel the Silver Streak ! The Silver Streak! The Silver Streak! While this emphatic And autocratic Magnate began so seek, As much as ever, By bold endeavour— To pierce the Silver Streak ! [And matters have progressed no further at present. di) = Tue O’Mottiean, who is loyal to the last drop in the handiest whiskey-bottle, found great difficulty atter his seventeenth tumbler (he had been on the floor of the House several times in the course of the argument) in denouncing ‘*th’ Ashshoshiashun for Ashshashinashun.”’ A MINISTERIAL STATEMENT. ScrnE—The Palais Bourbon, if either of the two objectionable terms be allowed. Ministers, prospective, departed, and some even present mounting the Tribune tn rapid succession. _ President Brisson, Now, then, hutssier, who’s the next Premier inscribed? And tell that crowd of Prime Ministers in the corridor to keep quiet. One can’t hear the simple Deputies for the noise the Premiers are making. M. Ferry, you have the parole. Ferry (confidently). I generally have. I am used to it. But, huissier, change the glass of sugar-and-water. It has already been used by three Ministers; and if they weren’t pemiemecty thirsty, I am. I have just been having three hours with Grivy; and if you knew how dry the Elysée is—je ne vous dis que ca! I demand the first interpellation. President Brisson. Il n’en manque pas: we are only at the hundred-and-seventh as yet. M. Cassacnac has one which may —, ba Chamber a little more than the others, and perhaps he oblige. [Cassa@nac obliges, goes through his usual little entertainment of insulting a colleague or two, calling the President a black- guard, being censured three times, and is received into the arms of CUNEO D’ORLEANS as he descends from the Tribune. After TM a shaking of fists, the President of the Council re-ascends, President of Council. Gentlemen, after the esteemed speech of our honourable yo whom your legitimate — [Cris @ Gauche: ‘‘ Legitimate! Legitimate! Pas de Légiti- misme ! Nous sommes vendus ! The Government conspires ! Finis Reipublice !” They rise in the attitude of Daviv’s Picture of the Girondins, and unitedly protrude their tongues at the Ministerial bench. _ Ferry (clinging hard to Tribune). Luckily, the Ministerial bench is em a, Meaney otherwise the blood of legislators must have flow evening, or, at least, to-morrow morning before breakfast. It is always done before breakfast, but I don’t know why, although I am an Advocate, and have been three times Premier. You want to know our policy. Well, Messieurs, our policy is, to begin with, to have a Government. [Eestatic cheering on Government benches, wherever they may nto be. FERRY comes down, and ts carried in triumph, and remarkably uncomfortable arms, by four Gentlemen who have been promised bureaux de tabac for to-morrow. : President Brisson. The interpellation of M. CLrovis Huevss is about due. He can come 2 Clovis Hugues. I am a Poet and come from Marseilles, therefore ou can’t expect any oppressive amount of coherence from me, and beg, as a Socialist—(shrieks and scent-bottles on the Right)— to repudiate the opprobrious oe of Monsieur. (Groans of Centre.) As simple Citoyen, I want to know what the Government are going to do with the Princes? I can reconcile duty with mercy; and I do not demand the guillotine. [Falls into the arms of enthusiastic Left, and Citoyennes in caps throw flowers—red—from the gallertes. Premier Ferry. The Government—(aside)—I wish the Government would come; it must have lost the omnibus—(aloud)—the Government has every intention of treating the Princes with every due to their rank, together with every respect due tothe Republic. Chamber (almost united), Bravo! Something like a Ministerial statement, that. Ferry (flattered, but anxious). Awfully nice, of course; but I do wish that Cabinet would come. I’ll pay them fiacres next time—and even then, perhaps, they wouldn’t. Sprcran Mertinec or THE Brive Rmson Army.—Thursday. ar Pg On the Banks of the Thames, between Putney and ortlake. Wuar the English Public would like to be sure of. is, not that all the Assassins will informers, but that of the ‘* Murder-in- Irish” conspiracy none of the Parnellites are approvers. Notice. —In consequence of extra go-to-press-ure of work, ** Another Little Holiday ”’ is wanvelithi puchpened.

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Marcu 3, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 107 - WILL IT ALL END IN SMOKE ? CeaTaIn Music-Halls wish to become Theatres, and nightly break the law, more or less, to gratify their wishes. Being prosecuted, they intend to apply to Parliament for a special Cen- sorship and 8 privileges. Certain Theatres, hearing of this, will want to become Music-Halls, or, in other words, will want that liberty, which the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN refuses them, to allow smoking in the auditorium. The question of drinking hardly enters into the discussion, as the facilities for drinking in Theatres are hardly more restricted than they are in Music-Halls. The int is really one of tobacco :— Shall the Public smoke or not in the face of the British Drama? The Public, if consulted, which they never have been, would pro- bably answer, Yes, leaving the Managers to settle what Theatres should be smoking-Theatres, and what Theatres should remain as they are. In London, forty years ago, smoking-Theatres were per- mitted without any visible injury to the Public, to Art (with the capital A), or to the British Drama, and in nearly every other European city, at the present day, they are a reco and popular institution. Whether the two most Con- servative and Protectionist Bodies in England—the Theatre Proprie- tors and the Music-Hall Pro- rietors—will face this free-trade dificalty in the only way in which it can faced, remains to be seen, but our own impression is that they will not have the ne- cessary courage. The Public— never consulted or thought of— may have to wait for the New Municipal Government Bill, and even this may be mangled and worried by Vested Interests. PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. ' 125. s + 4 7; i Sag ee Nee 4 N i] gh" WZ . Gc NG ( (( parental ((.(\ ALFRED AUSTIN, ESQ. HOLDING HIS NATIONAL REVIEW, 2 ake *¢ Limpid no more I rush to court assoil,” ‘¢ Proud of the stains of decorating toil,” ** Soul soaring upwards far” above my ‘ leaders,’ I cry ‘* No Programme !”"—and I get no readers, (From ‘‘ My Satire and its Censors” — adapted.) WHISTLER IN VENICE. A GavorTe In GAMBOGE. Go to the Fine Art Society, Truly a marvellous show, See, in a wondrous variety, Etchings and dry points a-row. Here we can note all the genesis Of the Whistlerian art ; This is what WuHrstLeR thinks Venice is, Jimmy is certainly “‘ smart.” Strangely adorned is the Gallery, Done up a poabene and white, Even the flunkey is “‘ yallery,” e a most — rig. We may be Gone t supercilious, But, if the truth must be told, It looks consumedly bilious, This new ‘‘arrangement in gold.” Then there’s the Catalogue criti- In which the versatile James Sneers at the pens analytical, Calling them all by their names. Each annotation is peppery, Full of American ; WHISTLER is such a high stepper, e Prances at will o’er them all. It must be said too with ented, There was the Artist himself, Airy and artful in attitude, y a curious elf, WHIsTLeEr is ‘‘ Niminy-Piminy,” Funny, fantastic, and quaint, Yet he’s so clever that Jmmy nig. Makes men believe he can paint. What of his works? why, each etching is Only at present half done, And on the copper the sketching is Simply a wild piece of fun. Vainly the Critics will sit on him, Why such a butterfly yO No one can e’er put the bit on WHISTLER’s the wag of the day. THE SILVER WEDDING. (By our Extra Special at Pigglezwhistlezhof, Berlin.) Here I am in the capital of Prussia, enjoying thensaghly the festivities inaugurating the second quarter of a century of the married life of the Princess Royal of Enetanp and the Prince Imperial of Germany. All the way to this beautiful city I noticed the natives waiting for the floods to subside before commencing the sowing of wheat, rye, oats, barley, peas, millet, rape-seed, and the other grain mentioned by good old WuiTakeR in his amusing Almanack. I could see by the expression of their faces that they were taking a great interest in the celebration, and were, no doubt, lamenting that the water kept them locked in the Provinces when they would have preferred to bein Town. And what is Berlin like? Well, the question is not an easy one answer. It resembles Rome and Wandsworth equally, but, perhaps, is more like Gravesend than either. The finest building in a city of fine buildings is a large edifice not unlike St. Paul’s, Hampton Court, and the Crystal Palace, called Unter den Linden. It was in this magnificent edifice that most of the ceremonies took Place. It was here that the venerable Emperor danced the old saraband (dear to every Teutonic heart) with Prince Von BisMakckK, faltering steps were superintended by the State Doctor. It was here also that the wedding breakfast (eaten off silver plate, in of the day) was held. ere, again, a certain noble Englishman (whose name I suppress for obvious reasons) won a wager that he would ride a mule forty Without turning a hair, before breakfast. Here once more were the review of 100,000 troops and the afternoon tea given a by the a gg (two days since) to half-a-dozen of her more inti- mate friends. Unter den Linden is indeed a marvellous building, and seems a suitable place for any and every kind of innocent dissipation. All the world is here. You meet Royalties at every street-corner, and the contingent, ‘* personally conducted ”’ by the first of English tour-organisers, are not only numerous but even respectable. The city is covered with bunting. Flags float from every window ; and the masses of colour of the Ladies resemble a parterre of flowers. Of course ihe gress attraction are the presents. In honour of the event they are all of silver. Perhaps the prettiest article is a gold workbox made entirely of the whiter me Then there are silver boots, silver handkerchiefs, silver gloves, and silver sealing-wax. The only thing that is not of silver is a silver thimble, which is made of gold. This curious little article was presented by the Padishah, who, as everyone knows, is proud of his Irish extraction. Last night there was a grand torchlight procession. A thousand flares, a thousand shadows, dots of colour here and there, relieved by dark stone masonry. The joy-bells of cathedrals, and the sad tinklin of the sounding brass of many military bands. In the Sadionend the stern mountains tipped with snow, and, over all, a glorious moon floating through scores of purple clouds, gorgeous with the hues of a hundred sunset tinges. And here I pause, as I have just been summoned to join in the Elizabethan Quadrille, which is now about to be danced in the Winter Palace. {It is only just to ourselves and the Public to say that the envelope con- taining the above communication bears the Chelsea post-mark. We print the article, however, as it seems to be the kind of thing published in the columns of our contemporaries.—EDITOR. ]

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [Marcu 3, 1883, ““ROBERT” INTERVIEWED. Tua | it} | tt oe TEL I was a setting quietly at home one day last Autum,,in our slack season, when a ring cum to our bell and then a nock come at my door, and I says, ‘‘ Come in,” says I, and in come a Gent as I never seed afore and have never seed sence, and he says to me, says he, ** Are you Mr. Ropert, tho’ I needn’t ask, for I nose you at once by your likeness,” and he pulls out a copPy of the emusin publikashun in which I sumtimes appears, need I say Punch, scarcely, praps. Well, he then tells me as how he was interwooing all the horthers and hartists of Punch, at the request of the P——e of W——-+, for his privet collecshun of the sillybraties of the Age, and will I mind ansering him a few questions. Well, I was natrally ighly flattered and not a little pleesed at sitch an igh honner, and sed yes, I thort I would if they wasn’t not hobjectionabel as regards pecoonary matters. So out he takes a longish littel book and off he starts with such a list of questions as amost made my air stand on end with trying toanser. Wen he had quite dun he shook ands with me wery frendly, and he says, says he, ** Mr. Ropert, I am that obligated to you for your kyindness, that I shall report werry favorably to His Royal Ighness, and I calclate as you’ll be sure to reseeve at the Pers a time the customerry dimond snuff-box.””? I bleeve I axshally terned pail with surpress estonishment. He added as he thort as how his work would be finished and all complete by about nex April, cn in April, perhaps the werry erliest day in April, on which day he thort I might safely calklate on receving my dimond box. I wentured to hint as I hoped he would say as many good words for me as he could consienshusly, when he said, ‘‘ Why, cert’nly,”’ and away he went. I leave my reeders to judge of my state of mind after my Miss Terryhus friend’s departure, and I draws a whale over Mrs. RoseErt’s emotion wen I told her all about it, and how she nat’rally regretted as she was out a-shoppin at the Grosers wen it all apened, or she would suttenly have surgested a Broche or a Brayslet instead of the snuff-box. Well, munse ‘rolls by, and April seems still a werry long ways off, when ony yesterday I receeves a noosepaper and a letter from Ameriky to the following stronery effec :— ** Boston Journal Office, U.S. ‘Dear Mr. Ropent, March, 1883. ‘© RecaLLine to your recollection our very pleasant inter- view in October last, and apologising for some slight variation from the actual facts of the case in which I indulged on that interesting occasion, I now beg to inform you that although it was not strictly true that I was collecting valuable information for H.R.H. the P—e of W——-+, yet that, as my Editor is the Prince of Good Fellows, it comes to much the same thing, and although he has, unfortunately, no diamond snuff-box that he can conveniently spare at the present time, I send you, at his request, a copy of his priceless Journal. in which you will find our interview almost literally reported, for the instruction and amusement of some thirty millions of the smartest people in all creation. ‘** Yours, with all due respect, WasHineton Jones.” I dare not trubbel you with the whole account, so I sends you a few extrax :— **T found Mr. Rosert in a very decent sort of room, nice and clean and comfortable, and he answered my questions with the greatest readiness and affability, and our interview was, upon the whole, one of the most amusing [ ever had with any literary celebrity. “When were you born, Mr. Ropert?—I don’t exacly know. Most likely in the middle of the night,—most peo le is, I think. ‘But what year were you born? I haven’t the least idea, but I knows as I’m just fifty-eight. ‘ Where were you born ?—In Whetstone Park. ‘Oh, indeed! Pray in what County is the Park situate P—I don’t know what County, but I think it’s in the Parish of St. Giles’s, the same as the Seven Dials. “*'Where were you educated ?—Well, I can’t say as I was reg’ lar eddicated anywheres in partickler. My werry erliest recklections being connected with carrying home o ms and taturs for my Father, who was a Green Grocer, and used to go out a waiting at dinners and heavning parties, dressed just like a Parson, to the admirashun of all on us, and it was that as kindled the burning desire in my manly buzzum to become some day a real Waiter ! ‘* And Fortune has smiled upon your efforts ?—Well, Fortune has guv me about three pound a week, which ’ud make most people _ “Why aa What first induced you to turn your attention to literature —Weell, Sir, it apened in this most remarkabel way. The Punch Staff was a dining at the onnered Albion, one night. and the well-known Hediter appened to say ‘There’s no man living as couldn’t find sumthink emusin to say if he only knew how to say it. Why, this werry respectable Waiter,’ says he, ‘who is atending to us so admirably, could tell ns many a good story if he chose.’ And turning round. he says to me, with his merry blue eyes a twinklin with fun, ‘What’s your name, Waiter?’ ‘ Ropert,’ says I. ‘ Well,’ says he, ‘ain’t I right, Ropenr?’ ‘ Well, praps you are, and —_ you ain’t, Sir,’ says I. ‘ Will you try?’ says he, with a merry augh. ‘I don’t much care if I do,’ says I. ‘Then write down sumthink,’ says he, ‘ and bring it to mein a day or two.’ And so I did, and I’ve writ him enuff since then to about fill a littel wollume. ‘“Would it be an impertinent question to ask what amount of remuneration you receive for your priceless contribution P—Yes, it would be a werry imperant question, and wot’s wuss, a werry use- less one. But you can judge for yourself of its fabbulous amount wen I tells you as it ennables me to send my boy WILLIAM to the Uniwersity of Cambridge. “*The University !|—Yes ; the Uniwersity. I remember one of my plessant paytrons once asking me weather he went as a Sizer, or as a Pensioner, or as a Fellow Commoner P—and I said as I thought he might be said to be all three. “ How so, Mr. Ropert ?— Well, as he stands 6-foot-2 in his stock- ings, let alone his boots, he may fairly be called a good Sizer, and as I allows him no less than 10s. a week, he must suttenly be a Pensioner, and as he allus has his commons with his fellow Waiters, he may propperly be called a Fellow Commoner. ‘* Bravo, Mr. Ropert! that’s one to you, as we say at the Club, but what made you send him to the University —Well, you see as he aspires to be sum day a Head Waiter, like his Father, I thort as I’d give him just 12 months’ Wr 49: at Trinity, where I was told as how they could give even the old Copperation one course as & start, and yet win in a canter. ‘ ‘* And does your son find it so P—He does, and speaks of ’em with that amount of enthoosiasm as amost draws tears from my eyes. “*T suppose you sometimes hear things said that would very much astonish the public if known ?—Ah, yon’re abont right thare, Sir. You see when men are full of wittles and full of wine, whether they’re Princes or Statesmen or even Lord Mares, they’re a good deal off their gard, and they all seems to think as us Waiters is def, which we ain’t. Why sumtimes wen I’m just a little short ot money, about this time of the year, I has thorts of offering to some emmenent Publisher my ‘‘ Rewelations of an Head Waiter,” but then comes my 2nd thorts, which in this case is allus the best, coz they ’re the most honnerablest, and I says to myself, No, RoBERT, endure eral honnerabel poverty and enjoy your self-respec, and never tray the confidens reposed in your honnerabel profession for the sake of filthy luker. And so the mean thort wanishes away, and prec abel to look all my Paytrons in the face without the blush of Sham. We had a good deal more tork afore he went away, all of which he has bin and gone and writ down, but I dessay my readers has had about enuff of his American imperance, as I have of his shameful desepshun. RoBeERt. , | smile, I should think. Gz TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directcd Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders Pm - Sesto She ws As

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Manon 10, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [\I{/ | | | Win MI ~~ \ > | hs N | Se mp. ij i : i \ nil | i in Ty j IN) y Al a > bs AS gi (Bea Th 4 } \ THE LATEST FROM THE STOCK EXCHANGE. “Hr! Brown! WaHy ARE YOU LIKE AN [RIsH Dertecrive? Give IT UP? BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS LOOKING AFrER ‘No. 1’!” THEATRE ROYAL, WESTMINSTER. Under the Management of Sir Verdant Harcourt, the Seldom-at-Home Secretary. THE Manager begs to announce that the Old English Comedy of The Government of London, in Two Acts, which has had a successful run of nearly thirty years, to the entire satisfaction of an enlightened Public, will be shortly replaced by a Screaming Farce, in One Act, entitled The Brand New Municipality ; or, A — an the Dark. He is also happy to be enabled to announce that the characters of ‘The Three Solemn Leaguers” will be played by ‘‘ The Bounding Brothers of Chelsea,” and that fabulous terms have been offered to His Grace the Duke of Prarico, to induce him to take the part of New Lord Mayor,—that arrangement failing, the part will be offered to Mr. Too. The Manager submits the first two Scenes, as a sample of what the Public may expect :— Scrnz—A blasted Heath. Thunder, lightning, and drenching rain. Enter The Three Solemn Leaguers, with umbrellas up. First Leaguer. When shall we three meet again ? When there ain’t quite so much rain? Second Leaguer. When the Corporation ’s done, . _When we have our good berths won. Third Leaguer. Then we’ll have some jolly fun! First Leaguer. Where the place ? Third Leaguer. Oh, in some dark Court, There to meet with rash McHaxrcovrt. Two drums! two drums! McHaxrcounrt comes! All Three. The Three Leaguers, hand in hand, Sick at sea and mocked on land, Thus do go about, about, hree good lies, and three of thine, And three of thine to make up nine, Peace! the charm’s wound up ! a = Enter McHaxcovrt and McDixxk, tn tourist sutts, followed by Ltwo Detectives‘disguised as Keepers. McHarcourt. Nor fowl nor hare to-day I have not seen. Mc Dilke. How far is ’t called to Chelsea ? McHarcourt. Who are you? You should be gentlemen, And yet your sale looks do make me doubt That you are so. Speak, if youcan! What are you? First Leaguer. All hail, McHarcovrr! Hail to thee, great M.P.! Second Leaguer. All hail, McHarcourt! Hail to thee, Home- Secretary ! Third Le ; al hail, McHarcovrt! That shalt the Premier ‘ ! [They vanish. McDilke. This heath hath humbugs e’en as Chelsea hath, d these are of them. McHarcourt.. Would we had never seen them ! Scenz II.—A Printing Office in the Strand. Enter the Three Solemn Leaguers. First Leaguer. Thrice the gin punch have we brewed ! Second Leaguer. Thrice ; and once on pig we ’ve dined ! Third Leaguer. Hanrcovrt cries, ’Tis time! ’tis time ! First Leaguer. Now about our task we ’ll go; In the poisoned slanders throw. Lies that in the month that’s come— Days and nights just thirty-one— Fools and dolts for truth have took, Put we first in our lying All, Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble, hs = and ee: and ove we seme. rs aguer. Here’s a sting like a gnat. Third Leaguer. Put in that, put in that. Second Leaguer. Here’s BapLAWw’s brain. Third Leaguer. Put in a grain. First Leaguer. Here’s mud from cads, and slime that’s badder. Third Le . That will make our foes much madder. All. Hubble, bubble, &c., &c. Third Leaguer. Oh, well done! He’ll commend our pains, And everyone shall share the gains. All goes right, and nought goes wrong, So let us sing our jolly song. SONG (WITH CHORUS). Armn—“ If I had a Thousand a Year.” First Leaguer. I once was a Member of Parliament, And had two thousand a year, But I couldn’t control my unruly tongue, So now I find myself bare. But in the New Municipalitee Ia something shall find that will just suit me, So that is why I am here, my Boys, | Reveat in So that is why I am here. Chorus. Second Leaguer. Though I am a Member of Parliament, I have not two thousand a year ; But I soon got a little, and hope to get more, ——— I shall have to wait long, | fear : But in the New Municipalitee, &c. Third Leaguer. I ne’er was a Member of Parliament, And never shall be one, I fear ; . But the be-all and end-all of my public life Is to get just two thousand a year. And in the New Municipalitee, &c. [At the end of the Chorus they join hands and dance to the tune of ‘* We are a Merry Family, we are, we are!” and vanish — till they reappear in their next Scene. [Ezeunt, Tue “ RoyaL’? AMUSEMENTS. — There are a wonderful - of Clowns—no not Pantaloons—styling themselves ‘‘The Two Macs,” now performing at the Royal Music-Hall. Their fight is one of the most astonishing and amusing things we’ve seen for a long time. They ought to call their entertainment ‘‘ The Two Macs and the Fifty Smacks, which, being successful, they’ll stick to like wax.” And they really seem to like whacks.. The per must be doing un- commonly well, as there’s a considerable amount of CornzE—no duffer, but the genuine article every evening. But when we have the part-songs and the glees, ancient and modern, back again, as in the good old days, Consule ‘“‘Pappy” at Evans’s? Just a sprinkling of these, sung by well-trained choristers, would be highty acceptable to a considerable portion of the public, ‘which is at pres ut prejudiced, and not altogether unreasonably, against the usual ki:d of Music- Entertainment. VOL. LXXXIv.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marco 10, 1883, Ma a) “ BEWARE !”? He (poetical), ‘On, AMANDA! WHY DO YOU SHRINK FROM MY EMBRACE AS THE STARTLED FAWN TREMBLES AT THE RUSTLING OF THE AUTUMN LEAVES? WHy—— She. **’Cause I’vE Just BEEN VACOINATED !” POPULAR SUPERSTITIONS EXPLAINED. 1. It ts unlucky to spill salt. Of course, for it shows that you are either naturally clumsy, or that a hand is ty from over-indulgence in tobacco, and anyhow it is certain to raise the wrath of your host. 2. It is unlucky to pass under a ladder. This is when the Gentes: on the ladder is con- versing with a fellow enet, and lets fall a hod of mortar, or a pot of red paint on your head. 3. It is unlucky to pass outside a ladder, This is when the ladder projects to the curb- stone, the road is very muddy, and a runaway van is in your immediate es 4. It’s lucky to have a black cat in the house. Its presence accounts for the disappearance of ray cold “ae and other viands notoriously detrimental to the health. It ts unlue yee dream of a black dog. Of course, as it shows that your present habit of inte suppers shortly be stopped by your medical attendant. 6. It is — to meet a woman with a squint. It is a great misfortune to encounter an ugly woman anywhere. —- 1. It is unlucky to sneeze ona Friday. It is not particularly fortunate on any other day of the week, as it probably shows you are in for a severe cold. 8. It is lucky to hop up-stairs as the New Year comes in. It ameliorates ~ od at the follies of last year, as it We ever capable of idiccy you were eg you - still more capable this year. It is unlucky to see a single magpie. It indicates that there are more in the neigh- bourhood; and for discordant noises the magpie is pre-eminently gifted among birds. 10. It is lucky to see the first lamb of the year with its face towards you. It any rate shows that age =? your visage nor your apparel is so absolutely repulsive as to frighten a beast of the field. ll. It ts unlucky to sit down to table thirteen in number. It is equally ualucky to sit down twelve if there is only elbow- room for eight. 12. There is luck in odd numbers. This entirely depends _ the game you are playing, and what the other man has up his sleeves PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. Atr—‘‘ Moses and Aaron.” As Jommy and ’ARry were talking about Art, Says J ae to’Arry, “Oh, on that lay I’m art. I dade _~ way to fetch the Mob, The Swells’ applause to carry. And pouch the proletariat * bob. i» “Lor! ’Ow’s it dune?” says ’ARRY. Says sone ’Arry, ‘‘ The art of Art’s to raw. No, not like MicHaet ANGELO, buf Barnum. hat ’s the law. You play on fashionable fad, And your re won't tarry. Society on Art is mad.” “Oh, right you are!” says ’ARRY, Says Jimmy to ’Arry, ‘‘ You do a lot of scrawls, And frame them vey gotely, and stick them on buff wal You deck the place — saffron silk, And pots the hue of | p= am A harmony in eg Says ’ARRY, ‘ Fines ike a Saas: i Says Jimmy to ’Arry, “Now that’s a Cockn ney joke, Fit for a ‘ead, : Philistine,’ a ‘ buffer,’ ora “bloke, The only paying jest—a sell— With gravity you carry ; Laugh in Te sleeve—does justas well!” I’m fly!” says ’Agry. Says JIMMY to ’ArRy, ‘‘ Society ’s a sham ; Whene’er ’tis py = with new fad, to fit it m Is work x for the smart charlatan, Who brain and bounce can marry ; And—do you know the sort of man? ‘» ** You bet [ do!” says ’ARRY. Says ’Arry to Jimmy, ‘‘ It seems a rummy start ; But if you stick’ up Smudge or Scrawl, and e world it’s Art, You draw the dollars of the i The werdicts of the w Yer fist ! We match like two p ft jngel” ** Oh, hang your cheek !”’ int New Boor.— Shorty will be publi New Pullman Nights. By the Author Old Coaching Days.

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“LIBERTY, EQUALITY, FRATERNITY! ” Interesting Discovery. In ossil remains of an enormons Mashtod . Jon H Society of Antiquaries, entitled ‘‘ The Solitaire of the Mashtodon discovered in making Recent Excavations at the Gaiety Theatre.” a solitaire is uo Jess than three feet in diameter—about the size an ordinary school-room globe—so it would appear the race has of late years greatly degenerated. the peeking some alterations at the Gaiety Theatre the other day, | on were discovered. | OLLINGSHEAD will shortly read a paper before the } Echo on the Situation. Wuat appears to give our wranglers satisfaction ? Echo. Faction ! e i What is hopeless made by wrangling, jangling faction ? Echo. Action ! Should men share or shun this palsying of action ? Echo. Shun! Beut’s Ben¥FDiction.— Zaz voubiscum !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manon 10, 1883, ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Mowvay Night, February 26.—Great joy in House of Lords to- night. A Bill is brought in, and prospect of some work. Rather hard on Noble Lords of late. Come down regularly at four o’clock ; see Lonp CHANCELLOR enter with bag and baggage ; hear youngest Bishop say prayers ; sit and look at each other for a few minutes ; then somebody asks question, somebody else answers it ; and they walk wearily away. ** Lords — as well be abolished at once,’ says Our Only General and Latest Peer. ‘‘ Ev ight I come down here I feel like ScHacaBac going to dine with BaRMECIDE.” **Scuacapac ?” said Our Only Commander-in-Chief. ‘‘ ScHaca- Bac? Don’t seem to remember him? What’s his regiment ?” ‘* He was not in the Army, Sir,’”” WoLsELEY explained. ‘‘ He was a Scotchman travelling in the East.” Wotsgtey’s picked up a good deal of information since he went to Cairo. Quite pathetic interest round Our Only Bill, which is for electing Scotch Representative Peers. Marquis of Huntiy dread- fully afraid we shall gobble it up at one meal, and begs Lorp CHANCELLOR not to hurry pes, Fa Second Reading. Lorp CHan- CELLOR promises, and Peers go home pleased. ’ In House of Commons another dull night. Still harping on the Address. Had Ireland with us through most of last week, on one Amendment or other. Now Ireland has an Amendment all to her unhappy self. Begin afresh, and go through the old familiar story. ‘* Quite a mistake,’? Mr. CouRTENEY complains, ‘‘ to say you can’t eat your cake and have it. Irish Members ate their cake last week on Gorst’s Amendment, and now here it comes served up again full- size, and they munch it all night.” y In distress of body and soul, under this wearisome wet blanket of words, House spasmodically attempts to be merry. Determines to laugh ‘‘ whateffer’? as Mr. MacFARLANE says since he has been to Styornaway. ———_ for example, Mr. CALLAN up; referring to some statement he doesn’t believe says, ‘‘ Well, I can swallow a ood deal, but——” Here the House breaks in with roar of aughter. Laughs oe for space of three or four minutes. Suppose there’s a joke somewhere. Talk it over with Sir GzorGE Batrour and Mr. Ramsay. We give it up. Business done.—None. Tuesday Night.—Peers terrible fellows to work when once begin. poe yesterday Bill a in dealing with election of Scotch Peers: to-day Lord Gattoway brings in another. ay. \! . — 2 “The Chamberlain Light.” “2 ae | go on at this rate,” I say to Lord RepEspatx, ‘‘ your Lordship have to retire to Cannes for a week or two.” ‘No, Tosy,” says Chairman of Committees, ‘‘I’ll die at my post. There ’s a good many, including SatispuRy, who would like > ber I was off to Cannes or anywhere else out of the way. Some of the young Peers, too, are inclined to be fractious, and sneer at my little ways. But I know what I owe my country, and I’ll pay it to the uttermost snarl. The country’s going to the dogs, (no offence to you, Tosy) ; but as long as I can hold it back I’ll hang on.” House of Commons, Mr. Jonw Mortey, Elect of Newcastle -on- Le ey enters amid thunderous applause. House knows a good man when it sees him, and here, take him all in all, is the best that has arrived since bye-elections . Took an opportunity, when the crowd had departed, of giving him a little advice. “* There’s a good deal expected of you here, my Jo-John, which is a bad thing to start with. A man might as conveniently walk up to table to take the oath with a millstone round his neck, as with special reputation earned outside. Youll have to fight hard agai your own reputation. There is one help to victory, simple and effi- cacious. Whatever happens, under any provocation, don't open your lips to speak this Session. By next year the House will have got used to your presence. You will be Jonn Morey, M.P. If you make good speech, you will be one of us, and that will be all right, If you speak in first Session, you are still outsider, and will be dealt with as such. Deal of human nature here, JoHn, including preva- lence of the ’arf-a-brick principle when we see a stranger, especially ‘* Who cares for the Government of London ?’’ Lord Randolph Churchill’s Speech at Woodstock. if he’s made a name outside and thinks he’s coming here to crow over us.” J. M. made note of these remarks. Promised to think them over. Business done.—Still roaming round the Address, with little inter- ludes touching Kilmainham Treaty. Odd word ‘‘ Kilmainham.” RicHaRD Power says so called because inconvenient questions con- nected with it Can’t be Killed. Wednesday Afternoon.—Still on the Address. More than a little tired of it. Irish Members not managed with the old success in giving it appearance of reality. Got a shock last Monday that settled me for week. Didn’t mention it at the time, being ashamed of my own weakness; but may as well make clean breast. Came in whilst Mr. O’Brien, the latest messenger of peace from Ireland, was on his legs. Much struck with manifest earnestness of the man. With hands clenched, teeth set, and eyes flashing under overhanging brow, he literally wrestled with his thoughts. Words well chosen, carefully enunciated; seemed as if he had other things to say, but recognised his position and the place, and after infinite Sage, Sa back phrases that would bring down on him reproof m : Still, words sufficiently burning and not without reason. Was talking about the memorable massacre at Maamstresna. A helpless family butchered in the night by cowardly ruffians, who deliberately set forth to accomplish the infamy. Neither grey hairs nor infant cries regarded. All butchered in their beds, the skulkin ing murderers making off in dead of night, and long eluding justice. O’Baren’s frame trembled with honest indignation as he spoke of it. A little uzzled to hear him denouncing the Irish Executive and the present Chief Secretary. Butthat, I suppose, is the way of Irishmen. Only just came in whilst O’Brren hissing forth through clenched teeth his onest indignation. Dare say he was commenting on length of time that elapsed between murder and conviction. LowTHER standing by me at the Bar listening. ‘There, JAMES, you see,” I said to him, ‘these fellows aren’t all hardened. Here’s O’Brien, who gece strongly enough on political questions, comes out like a man when murder’s the matter. pore denunciation of the murderers of the Joycz family will surely ave good effect in Ireland.” , “Bah! Young Innocence,” said James, turning on his heel. “a 7 not the murders he’s lamenting, but the hanging of the murderers.’ And so it was, as I learned on fuller inquiry. These clenched hands, this quivering body, these ing eyes, and this passionate voice all for the men who skulked by night, and, in fancied security, slew the helpless family! Not a word of regret for the victims. ny bitter denunciation for Judge, Jury, and Executive that hanged the murderers. This seems to give one enough of Members for one week. Business done.—Put another spoke in wheel of the Address. Thursday.— Quite affecting scene at witching hour of midnight Lyon Piayrair resigned Chairmanship of Committees. Did it 2

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Manos 10, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ook of excellent feeling and taste. Lord Harrieron said some things both pleasing and true, and Sir SrarrorD Norrucore having one home, not knowing affair coming off, ScLarER-Booru spoke on Fehalf of Opposition. So, amid salvos of cheering, Lyon retired from the Treasury Bench, and went to lie down with the lambs be- hind. Sir CHaRtes Forster affected to tears. Fancy conscience of some of the gentlemen on the Opposition benches must have been ruffled as they cheered. Have always said, and will always stick to it, that Puayrair hadn’t Fair-play. He held Chair in exceptionally troublesome times, and a dead set was made —— him from below the Gangway opposite. Got ugh debate at last, after luminous speech from ASHMEAD- BaRtTLett, from which I gather that things are looking bad abroad and rather shaky at home. “ Wonderful man, A.-B.,” I say to Sir C. Dixxz. ‘“‘ Such a grasp of the situation. Sees everything whether at home or abroad.” ‘* So he ought,’’ said Sir Coantes. ‘‘ He’s Member for Eye.” i DILke was sneering. But A.-B. had just mentioned that sm a Secretary, Ditxe had ‘‘ succeeded in failing in everything. Business done.— Address disposed of. Friday Night.—Ireland again, of course, though Address is passed through all stages. But this time Ireland usefully. Mr. O'Snaven- nessy brings in Resolution pledging House to agree to compulsory education for Ireland. TREVELYAN accepts on part of the Govern- ment. This isto be the Coercion Bill for next year. The best of long series. More post-mortem examinations. ‘‘I thank thee, MacraRLang, for teaching me that word.” Wutrrrm Lawson on Egyptian War. Funereal aspect of House. Ghosts of jokes. Difficulty in getting a Jury. Verdict—‘‘ Now, for goodness’ sake, WILFRID, don’t let’s have any more of this.’ Business done.—Supply. NAME! NAME! An item of really important Parliamentary news in the Daily Telegraph, last week, was this :— ‘Mr. CROPPER is to take the place of Mr. GuzsT as a member of the Commons’ Kitchen Committee.”’ CropreR would find his place : gegen d in names on ee in the kitchen department as a Hare-dresser; and a Guest clearly A Caught Haredresser. ought to be at table. By the way, why is a huntsman who doesn't come off when his horse unexpectedly refuses a fence like the Member for Kendal? Answer: Because he’s just missed a Cropper! “TI Guest it!” exclaimed the Member for Wareham. Mister Cropper. Programme and Progress. As Mrs. RamsBotHaM would put it, ‘‘ Modesty is always the best policy,” and Mr. LEapER, who seems conscious that his self-elected position as agp ol of red Lm pops ga is one a no slight responsibility, seems determine act up to the spirit of the good old familiar proverb. ¥ “We shall,” (he says), “I trust, be diverting, but not irreverent; grand, but not gaudy ; mirthful, but not meretricious; decorous, but never depres- ang, A band of tried talent, conducted by a director of acknowledged skill and experience—a ballet of beauty aiaplayed with costliness and magni- ficence—a ‘stage set with all the grace and fancy that modern scenic art can supply— will be but the guiding force of a company specially selected for its pungency of humour, its love of art, and its power of song.” * Pollo Mr. ae can only advise every Manager in London, New Boox.—“t A Nicht wi’ Burns’’—dedicated to Captain Saaw. PROSPECTS OF THE BRIGHTON REVIEW. By Dums-Crampo. \ Undue Opening Out on the March is to be avoided. "i a Hey STATA LUL A smali Body has succeeded The Troops are to move over the in Landing. Ground as rapidly as possible. “ TRISH IDEAS.” “TRELAND should be managed according to Irish ideas.”’— Home-Rule Axiom. Molloy, Ould Oireland is sick. The best rimidy, bar none, Is simply migration to waste lands. The O’ Donoghue. There are none. Migration ’s all bosh, for our o’ercrowded nation The proper specific is just emigration. ; Parnell, What! expatriation for Pat? Simply villanous! Blake. With mere pertaties we can’t go on ? us. Cannot eat more than some five pounds per diem, Fourteen required to support one. You try ’em! Give us a more satisfactory edible, ¢ Or a newo Sun! You may deem it incredible, But I asshure ye our Sun’s got a chill on; Cooling down fast, though of old hot as Ditton. Soon, like the Moon, will die out toa cindher. — Cure these two ills, and there ’s nought else to hindher. Nolan. Public Works! Ci No, Public Workhouses ! Query, all! My nee Se Oireland’s in—drainage arterial. Conflicting C om” of Voices. Fisheries! Narrow-gauge Rail- ways More factories ! !! ‘ =. out the Castle!!!! Sack Rads and bring back ories iy John Bull (deafened and disheartened). Well, to receive good vice one rejoices, i But by St. Patrick the “‘ Isle’s full of voices.” hance gain the victory— Trish ideas may When their mad chaos is less contradictory. A FresH Distrisution oF Seats.—A lively political meeting, when all the benches are shied at the Chairman. Demand and Supply. “‘Suppty and Demand,” once held equal, of late The House’s economists greatly must try ; The supply of demands on its time is so | a As to dock the time due to demands of Supply. EXHIBITION oF Dry Pornts.—The Fens of Mr. WHIsTLER’s future Critics. New Srars cx THE Sracx.—Electric lights at the Savoy, where each girl appears with her own spark. Dretomatic “ FoturE 1x Rvs.’’—Mosvurvs.

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[Marci 10, 1883, “SPEED THE PARTING GUEST.” (THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.) **‘ We've HAD 8UCH A PLEASANT Eveninc, Mr. Jones! May I BEG OF YOU TO ASK ONE OF YOUR SERVANTS TO OALL A Hansom?” ‘* With PLEASURE, Mrs. SmirH!” THE OLD “STROKE.” Locum Tenens. Hillo! Here you are! This is really A 1, And by Jingo, old man, you look thundering ‘‘ fit” ! Old Stroke (peeling). Oh, yes! I was right out of form, Sir, clean done, But I’m glad to believe I have pulled up a bit. The Sawbones would have it, you know—couldn’t shirk, And I really did feel most tremendously stale, But | think I’m now game for a good bit of work. Locum Tenens. We want it, old fellow. How much do you scale ? Old Stroke. Oh, the old “‘ fighting weight.” You appear ‘‘ cherry ripe, And ‘‘the Rhodian’s”’ back looms as broad as of old. Locum Tenens (aside). Lots of go, but will splash. Wants a quiet tongue-wipe. Old Stroke. And young Brum ? Locum Tenens, Pulls his ounces, and gets a fair ‘‘ hold,” But some tendency has to—well, pull the boat round. Old Stroke. You’ve been doing good work ? Locum Tenens. Bit behind in our practice, Two weeks cut to waste, more or less. I’ll be bound Old Stroke, That it wasn’t your fault. Locum Tenens. : May be not ; but the fact is I haven’t your weight or trained style. Old Stroke. You ’re too modest, Your long steady stroke will win many a race. The rival lot, e Locum Tenens. Well, their style ’s of the oddest— All over the shop. Though some of them show pace, They are like a scratch crew—very seldom together, And as for their cox., he’s the cheekiest lad ; Too m4 ‘*patter” on board. Then we've had beastly weather, And floods—oh, great Swithin! what drenches we ’ve had! Van Dunk’s draught or the Castlereagh-pump flow not in it. Old Stroke. Well, well, well make up for lost time, never fear. With the work we’ve to do we should not lose a minute. Locum Tenens, Jolly glad to see you back, old fellow ! Boat’s Crew (in chorus). Hear! hear ! An Irish Initiative. Mr. T. D. Suturvay, on his legs the other night in the House, ‘* declared that the only remedy for Irish evils was for England to adopt the policy of ‘hands off’ Yes, indeed, only let the Gentle- men of the Irish Assassination Society begin it. A New ‘‘ Whip.”’ ‘¢ Specimens of the kourbash and the bastinado, just brought from Egypt, have been examined with much curiosity and interest by a number of Mem- bers of Parliament.” —Daily News. Tus opens up a vista! Could one use The Turk’s sole argument, the bastinado, Upon each Parliamentary desperado Who England’s long, long patience doth abuse, The heeling measure, to a sore time suiting, — Perchance might place things on a fairer footing. Ax ambitious Actor confided to a friend that he intended to strike out a line for himself, ‘‘ Not one in the part I’ve written for you, shouted a tyrannical Author. ‘‘ THE Goose with the Golden Eggs?” said Mrs, RaMsBOTHAM. “Ah, I suppose that was one of the Geese that saved the Capital— a thing very few Geese do in the present day.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Marcu 10, 1883. THE OLD “STROKE.” No. 7 (Jog.). “‘ JOLLY GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK AGAIN, OLD MAN!!”

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- Maro 10, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 117 FIRST-RATE CARDS. THE QuEEN OF HEARTS AND THE ACE, [Her Masesty has stated that she is greatly pleased with the photograph of Miss Jesstz Ace, both as a work of Art and as a memento of a noble act.] AMATEUR ACTORS OFF THE LINE, (To the Editor.) Very DEAR Sir, In the course of the correspondence about Sir PErcy SHEttEy’s Theatre, Mr. Horace Wiaean declared that the Hon. SLinesBy BRTHELL made no objection to the performances so long as he was taking a personal part in them. To this Mr. BetHext replied he had only played once, and then had been fitted with ‘‘a very humble part without lines.”” The Hon. Gentleman seemed to think that a non-speaking ré/e was beneath his dignity as a distinguished non-professional Actor of many years’ standing. Surely the Hon. Gentleman was wrong, as a thoughtful Amateur can take the smallest possible character, and with a little earnest attention ‘“‘ invest it with considerable artistic merit.”” As I have spent the greater part of a long life in considering the ‘‘ very humble parts” of the recognised Amateur Drama, a few extracts from my note-book may prove acceptable as illustrating my meaning, and serving as a collection of useful examples to the persevering student in the same line. Lady of Lyons.—Part of Third Officer. Object of Introduction.— To talk with enthusiasm of the rapid promotion of Claude Melnotte. Conventional Rendering.—To dress him as a very young man, and to make him speak with enthusiasm. Recommended Improved Rendering.—To cause him to utter the words, ‘‘ Promotion _is very rapid in the French Army—I was made a lieutenant yesterday,” in a quavering voice, tremulous from extreme old age. Dress him as an ancient officer, with long white hair and sunken cheeks. He should support himself with a long staff, be troubled with rheumatism, and be subject to a ‘‘churchyard cough.” Rip Van Winkle, after his long sleep, will serve as an excellent type upon which the Third Officer may be modelled. Played with careful attention to detail, he is sure to prove effective. A Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing.—Part of John Zoyland the Black- smith. Object of Introduction.—To break open a door in a cup- board in which a proscribed cavalier is supposed to be concealed, in the presence of his heart-broken wife and household and his tary pursuers. Conventional Rendering.—To come in dressed as an ordinary workman, and, after breaking open the cupboard, retire quietly. Recommeded Improved Rendering.—To enter in holiday costume. It is his birthday, and consequently he has been ‘keeping it up” in the usual manner. He tries to kiss the maid- servant, and salutes Colonel Percy Kirk, who is present to arrest the proscribed traitor, with comic obsequiousness. Next he can’t find the cupboard, and begins to nail up a wrong door. Set right, he does his work in the leisurely and inaccurate fashion common amongst the inebriated. Ultimately he insists in dumb show upon a paid, and pantomimically expresses his contempt at the smallness of his remuneration to all the characters in succession, giving special attention to the heart-broken wife. Played with spirit, this little part should be one of the “‘ features” of the performance. Plot and Passion.—Part of officer in charge of troops. Object of Introduction.—To arrest M. Fouché at the instigation of Berthier, Prince of Neufchdtel, and in the presence of Marie (heroine of the piece), her lover, and Desmarets, a police spy, at the end of the Third Act. Conventional Rendering.—To stand at the back of the stage in one position until the fall of the Curtain. Recommended Improved Rendering.—To remember that, as an officer of a crack regiment stationed at Paris, he would certainly have met all the characters present in general society. Consequently, he should = pre Marie and gallantly kiss her hand, offer snuff to her lover, and strike Des- marets pla y, but scornfully, with the flat of his sword. Should he have time before the fall of the Curtain to do more, he may use- fully employ his leisure in whispering to the Prince de ‘Neujehdtel a ‘‘ good story” with gesticulation suggestive of limitless merriment. Played in this fashion, this very subordinate part will not be easily forgotten. he Bengal a of one of the Indian attendants upon Sir Paul Pagoda. Object of Introduction.—To bring in a snuff-box. Conventional Rendering.—To wait in complete repose for the orders of his master, and then to obey them without attrac attention. Recommended Improved Rendering.—To bear in mind that as pro- bably the Indian attendant was a prince in his own country, he should wear the most gorgeous costume, jewelled turban, robe of old, diamond-hilted scimitar, &c. Sir Paul would permit this ess, as, having the supreme contempt of old-fashioned Anglo- Indians for “‘ niggers,” he would regard the apparel of his servant with cold indifference. If the attendant had royal blood in his ve he would at every command of his master draw his sword, ani then, by a mighty act of self-repression, control himself. He would, no doubt, be a Buddhist, and consequently, when he had no better employment, he would usefully fill ve ae time in worshipping a small idol he would carry about with him. Finally, at the end of the piece, finding the drudgery of having to hand a snuff-box about to an irritable old gentleman too much for him, he would commit sensational suicide with a knife or a pistol. Thus played, the little part would stand out from other little parts in bold relief. And now I think I have written enough to show that Mr. BerHeti was Ke: to write disparagingly of a very humble part ‘‘ without lines.” All that is wanted in improving such a character is bold- ness and the courage of your opinions. Your innovations are not likely to be very popular with your fellow-actors. But what of that? Professional jealousy is, as everyone knows, the rule, and not the exception. And remember if the worst comes to the worst, you can always run for your life, and the police are bound to protect you. : Apologising for monopolising so much of your space, I remain, Sincerely yours, (Signed) AN EXTINGUISHED AMATEUR. March Hare’s Day. Junior Shakspeare Club. Pope Adapted. (By a Birmingham Conservative.) True Toryism marks off man from fella’, And all the rest is—CHAMBERLAIN and MUNDELBA. By KIND PgrMission oF THE VestRY.—The Mudlarkyological Society will hold its meetings in London until further notice. Dustin County.— Mr. McManon, a Par- nellite, beaten by a malay of 1086. **The High Sheriff,” says the D. T. report, “* havin declared the state o the poll, there were enthusiastic and pro- longed cheers and cries for ‘The Colonel.’” ** Why, cert’nly ”—and as there was no true Liberal candidate, we | congratulate Colonel Kine-Harman on his victory, as his senti- ments are in Harman-y with Law and Order. WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH IT? In last week’s World ..| appeared an eccentric «| letter with a still more \eccentric signature, strom Mr. WHISTLER, ted from Tite Street. ery suggestive, but, let us hope, not true. At all events, ‘‘ Tite” Street. jwouldn’t be at all the sort of place for Sir WIL- FRID Lawson to live in. | A suGGEsTION to the First Commissioner : —Invest it with artistic merit ; t.e., slightly alter the nose, give it a pair of collars, and it will appear as an admirable Equestrian Statue of the Grand Old Man, mounted on — hobby or other,—say Cléture for choice,

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118 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Maron 10, 1883, LAW AND EQUITY UNDER ONE ROOF. (From the Diary of a Q.C.) 9°30 a.m.—At chambers. At- tended half-a-dozen consultations, and signed twenty-three opinions. 10 a.mu.—Opened in a breach of — of mar case. Gota ot of fun out of the love-letters. Had to cut it rather short, how- ever, as I soon found myself due in another Court next door. 11 a.m.—Examined in chief the Defendant in an accident case. When I came to a critical point, had to turn it over to my Junior. Due elsewhere over the way. 12 Noon.—Argued a matter in Chancery. Rather loose in my reasoning, in consequence of hav- ing to think over a speech I had to deliver later. _ 1 p.m.—Opposed an application in bankruptcy upstairs, took some lunch downstairs, and attended consultations, and signed opinions until it was time to reappear in Court. 2 P.M.—Made a speech in de- fence of a libel action. Inter- rapted once or twice by the Judge, being a little imperfect in my facts, having been elsewhere when es case was opened for the Plain- tilt. 3 p.m.—Before the Lords Jus- tices. in an appeal case—third door to the right. Again rather shaky, but was cleverly — up and prompted by a bright young Junior. 4p.mM.—In the Divorce Court (second turning to the left), summed up in defence of a co- respondent. Afraid I must have gone wrong somewhere, as I heard enerey, that the Jury a ed £6,000 damages. 4°30 p.M.—Just put the finish- ing touch to a railway accident case (court at the end of corri- dor), and, through a misconcep- tion, nonsuited my client. 5P.m.—Hurriedly discovered by my Clerk. All my cases gone wrong, and held mally re- sponsible for the lot. Indigna- tion meeting in the Great Hall of disappointed suitors. Ran back to my chambers to save my life! but Iam not. I am Number One, Bravo, your LorpDsHIP ! PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 126. MR. JUSTICE FIELD; Or, THE Leeat ‘No, 1.” *¢*¢Nomper Ong,’—Mr. Justice Fretp : This Court is Number Two, Law Report—Morning Post—Feb. 27, May YOU LONG REMAIN 80, AND BE A “ Farz Fre~tp anpD no Favour.” THE CORRECT CHORD. Arrn—Svuturvan’s “ Lost Chord.” ~~: for Lg phone 0! a. e stops e And mt how the “ Might be got to work with ease: By ear, — my notes in my Performing—as few men can I struck such a chord that the organ : Burst out ‘‘ You’re a Grand Old Man.” It flooded the daily papers, Like the name of a comic song, And I felt several inches taller AsI per bowled along. I think that it nettled NorTucore, Polite as he can be in strife, | Though it seemed a sensible echo '_ From the din of my Public life. But it brought down chaff by the cartload That ibly may increase ;— | For till Uneneaiit's in with his arty, I never Thal know any peace. | But I take the whole thing calmly, _ | For the chord has aswell that’s fine ; : And I’m glad the popular organ | Has a touch ae mine. ' And whether I stick to the Com- mons,— | And I certainly will if I can,— Or go to the Peers,—no matter, | I shall still hear *‘ that Grand Old Man!” A cLAvsE in the Act for Regu- lating Theatres says, ‘‘ In every case where any money 8 taken or charged, &c., every Actor shall be deemed to be acting for hire.” But in most Ama- teur performances theré are no ** Actors,”—only Sticks. Would this be a sufficient defence in the Shelley-Theatre case ? ** NumBer Ove" —and How to Take Care of Him.—This book, by Dr. JoserH Porsg, we strongly recommend to every ‘“‘ worthy soul” interested in age Rages of everybody. Useful also to Detectives just now. It is likely to be very Pope-ular. (Great laughter )’ POETRY OF THE SCOTTISH PEERAGE, Sanpig, strike up! A flourish on the Bagpipes! It seems that there are, or till lately were, two Earldoms of Mar, a senior and junior Earldom; the Earldom of Mar pure and simple, and the Earidom of Mar and Kellie, The latter was created by Mary Queen of Scots; the creation of the former prehistoric ; its date ‘‘lost in antiquity,” perhaps but a little subsequent to the general creation—if that may be alluded to without offence to evolutionists. The two Earldoms are said to have been contemplated by one claimant, who claimed both of them, as forming a sort of compound Earldom. He contended that the junior Earldom, with its limita- tion to the male line, is superim: upon, but does not destroy or supersede the senior, and that whilst the heir male is at liberty to call himself Earl of and he, as heir general, inherits from his mother the original title of Earl of Mar. Thus regarded— “The peerage is conceived as consisting of two layers, to the upper part of which the Earldom of Kellie has been joined, but the lower and more ancient of which remains unaffected by chance and change, and follows the laws inherent in its nature.’’ According to this view of its twofold composition, how remarkably does the Earldom of Mar (Scotch) resemble the Black Grouse (Scotch also) whose flesh (as we all know, don’t we?) is divided into two layers, dark meat one of them and theother white. What a pleasing analogy, thinks the epicure and the Scotchman—for there are now- mw a least Scotch as well as ‘‘ English epicures,” by your leave, ‘acheth, Here allow a countryman of Burns to observe, with all due defer- ence to Swirt, Pork, and ARBUTHNOT, that every genuine Scot must decidedly object to Martinus ScrrsLeRvs’s celebrated illustration of an anticlimax :— “ And theu, Datuovusy, the t god of war, Lieutenant-Colonel to the Earl of Mar.” However great the god of war may have been in the ages of mythology, a greater must be acknowledged in an Earl the creation of whose Earldom had long preceded them. No, very Reverend Sir. No, Gentlemen. There is no drop, there is no lunge, there is no bathos whatever, in putting ‘‘ Mars” after ‘‘Mar.” Eh, Sirs, no anticlimax at all; but just the reverse. The Earl of Maz was a Generalissimo undeniably fit and proper to be the commanding officer of even Mars himsel’, New Siens ror THE Bistiopurisr’s Zoprac—Libri and Scorpio.

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<P SSS BSS SS ASS ~ Le SRS OOM WSs SORES SESS SSS REN SESSOSBESASS Qe ee _ —— “ENFANT TERRIBLE.” Grandmamma (maternal). ‘‘ WHat A Fipckt you ARE, GEORGE ! Grandson, ‘*GRAN’MA, WHERE'S THAT——I WAS LOOKING FOR THAT ‘MISERABLE TABLE,’ Pa’ favs YOU KEEP!” WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING ABOUT FOR Now?”

BUMBLE AND THE TROGLODYTE. (‘‘ Extremes meet.” —Old Adage.) [See case ‘‘ Goodacre v. Watson.”? Mr. Watson had been utilising “soft core,”’ consisting of animal and vegetable refuse, as a substitute for the gravel he had dug out, in preparing a place called Dancer's Land as a ‘‘site for houses.” ‘‘The Fulham Local Board perceived no impropriety in his proceedings.” — Times. | Bumble. River-drift Man, garmentless Cave-dweller, Primitive party, early ichthyophagist, Poor flint-chipping, troglodytish varlet, ow I pity you! Troglodyte. Verily, Gorgeous Portent, that seems kind of you. Yet, without ingratitude cold or querulous, I would ask precisely wh ty my destiny You commiserate ? Bumble. Why? Good gracious! Need you thus interrogate ? O Cave-dweller! Fancy your existence now— Mouldy, tenebrous, smoky, subterranean Toad-in-the-holish ! Chimneys none, no windows, no front-door at all, Lightless, drainless, paintless, fireless possibly, Stairless, cold, unventilate, void of furniture— What a residence ! Troglodyte. Oh! I see. Well, *twasn’t all sheer luxury ; Grub ran short sometimes, and caves were stuffyish ; But, concerning my abode, the question is, Have you bettered it ? Bumble, Bettered it ? Why, bless your unsophisticate Savage soul, our houses now are gorgeous | Even our restaurants are marble palaces, Fit for Doges.

Humph! I’ve been perusing certain Law-reports, rev. Watson”—that was one of them. Dancers’-Land ! do you know that locality, Gorgeous Being ? Bumble. I—oh—come now !—that is, really, Troglodyte, Can you read, who antedated Capmus By as many years as the tail of a comet of inches ? Troglodyte. That’s irrelevant! Strikes me, Fulham’s dustbins, And road-scrapings swept from wheel-worn Kensington, Seem suggestive of more utter nastiness Than my Cave was. Cinders, ashpit refuse, brick-kiln rubbish, Midden-muck and vegetable rottenness, Are ‘‘ foundations ” I should not have cared about For my domicile. Karth and fish-bones make a concrete passable, But your compost, nasty and malodorous, : The * soft-core’? of Dancers’-Land !—no, verily. ’T were too horrible ! Therefore doubt I, Man of garb astonishing, If, with all your Boards an Jerry Builders, you Have improved so much upon the Troglodyte ! Bumble (disgustedly). Oh! get out with you! Troglodyte. ** Goodac:

‘“‘ Tae Bishop of MancuEster presented an extraordinary appear- ance at his ordination.” If he had presented an ‘‘ Ordinary” appearance it would have been appropriate ; but he wore, says 7ruth, ‘*a black-sleeved Cope.” This must be a wonderful garment. Quite a new thing in Copes, which, since they were first invented as Pagan waterproofs, never had sleeves at all. The Bishop will be known as ‘** Johnny Cope.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron 10, 1883, BOX AND COX. Duke of C-mbr-dge (as Sergeant Bouncer)— ¥ So claet Rataplan ! I’m a military man! Bless you, my boys! Lieut.-Col. B-rn-by (as Box). And if our friends in front are only satisfied, then Box—— Major-Gen. O. W-li-ms (as Cor), And Corx—— Both. Are satisfied. ENSEMBLE. Rataplan! Rataplen! We are military men ! (Curtain. Great applause.) PRATTLE FROM THE PROVINCES. LLANDONTNO. A wEEK ago a party of five Spring tourists set out from this place, intending to make the ascent of Snowdon by a devious, dangerous, and inaccessible route. They were described as Londoners, who were utterly unacquainted with mountaineering. Nothing has since been heard of them, and the worst fears are consequently entertained. Two young men, accompanied by two young women, hired a boat yesterday, in spite of the warnings of the boatman that it was only constructed to carry two persons with safety. The party—none of whom could swim—was observed through telescopes to be ‘‘ skylark- ing” in the frail craft. Their bodies have not yet been recovered. Weather generally bright and clear when not pouring with rain and violently stormy. LITTLE PEDDLINGTON. Sir Pursry NumsKvutt, M.P., yesterday addressed his constituents on the Local Option question. Temperance, he remarked, was an excellent thing in its way, if not carried toofar. Education, also, was an excellent thing. If our population did not drink so much, it was probable they would be more sober, while there could be little doubt, from statistics recently published, that one great cause of the ignorance which so largely prevailed, was the lack of education among the masses. A vote of confidence in the Hon. Baronet was carried by acclamation. Weather variable. HANWELL. A local Gentleman, who wrote to every Cabinet and ex-Cabinet Minister, asking what steps the Government pro sed to take to put down the propagation of Mormonism in England, has received some interesting replies. Mr. GLapsTonr’s Secretary says, ‘‘ The PREMIER begs to acknowledge the receipt of your letter, and wishes me to say, in answer, t, in opinion, the Floods Prevention Bill should become law before anything can be done.” Mr. Brieut writes—‘* Your letter has remained some time unanswered, because I fail to see any reason why such a question should be addressed tome. I may say, however, that I hope the people of this country will use the remedy of force—though force, as a rule, is no ‘remedy—against any Mormon aah ps who may attempt to gain {a public hearing.” Weather y: a] ovely at night, and moon out all SWILLINGTON. Six colliers were sentenced to terms of penal servitude, at the Assizes here, for savage assaults on their wives. The new Bishopric Fund is making rapid progress. Canon SILVERTONGUE preached an eloquent sermon, yesterday, to a crowded congregation, on Chaldaic Weights and Measures. To-day, several leading grocers of the town were fined small sums, for selling flour largely adulterated with Plaster of Paris, and chalk from some disused pits in the neighbour- hood. Weather boisterous and rough. Glass going up. Several lasses going up. . oo MUFFBOROUGH. Two cases of English cholera are repented here, and the Salvation Army are reported to be coming shortly. Three men, with jemmies and skeleton keys were discovered, last night, on the premises of a rovision merchant. Their pockets were filled with tea, coffee, and t Indian pickles, while a couple of carts and a wheel-barrow were waiting outside, half-filled with tinned meats and bottles of GiusEy’s sherry. It is suspected that the men intended to commit a burglary. The Local Police are making inquiries, previous to apprehending the suspected individuals. Atmosphere dull and hazy, Land fogs. NEGLECTED MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS. My pear P., Ports—very silly people are poets, generally speaking— lavish all their pwn os on cor eee, e pipe, the lute, the harp, and the guitar. There are plenty of other instruments quite and fully as poetical. See enclosed specimens. Yours accordionly, THe Lazy MINsTREL, I.—ORPHEUS TO HIS OPHICLEIDE. My bold Ophicleide is as good as it’s beld, It gleams in the sun with the glitter of gold! » ¢ Twill grumble like thunder, ’twill coo like a SS dove, And frighten my foes, or will sing to my love! ’Tis soothing and sweet, and it can’t be denied, No tone is so fine as my bold Ophicleide ! Tis a and commanding, ’tis gleesome and and, Superb as a solo, divine in a band: hen windows are open in sweet summer night, How blithely I blow, to the neighbours’ delight! And, if I feel weary, I just step inside, And drop off to sleep in my bold Ophicleide ! II.—TOLDEROLDIUS TO HIS TROMBONE. Don’t babble to me of the tootlesome flute, The petulant pipe and the languishing lute! Don’t hint at the harp, or the twanging guitar, But give me sweet music that’s better by far! Search the orchestra through, there is nothing I own, That is fit to compare with my trusty Trombone ! Let other folks go out to dance or to dine, i And talk too much nonsense and take too much wine; But let me sit down, give my arms enough room, I’ll drive away care and I’ll banish all gloom ! With a cup of strong tea and a fresh buttered scone, I will cheer you all up with my trusty Trombone ! IIIL.—KALLIVANTOCUS TO HIS KETTLEDRUM. Horkad for the rattle! Hurrah for the din! Hurrah for the sticks and the resonant skin ! I’ve drummed well before and Ill drum well again, It quickens the pulses, it brightens the brain. Though folks may revile me and Fortune look glum, I’ll comfort myself with my crisp Kettledrum What sweet modulation on drums may be made, From wild battle-crash to the love serenade : When evenings are long and' there ’s nothing to do, Tis soothing, most soothing, to beat a tattoo. When troubles assail me and creditors come, I’ll scare them away with my crisp Kettledrum ! SW ‘“‘ AnorHER LitrtE Hormay.”—We’re so busy we can’t take it yet. No matter—a time will come. €@ TO COURRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether M8., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders

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Marcu 17, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ~- a ae INO ADMITTANCE) — EXCEPT .% ey. a Ly aps LY 4 Lil LA a na Mh ‘2 1a a ; ate ae - Mt _ Hi rs 5 - y ~e A ] OW BUSINESS | sliil THE UNIVERSITIES’ BOAT-RACE. AS IT MIGHT, COULD, SHOULD, OR OUGHT TO BE. OUR FUTURE LORD MAYOR. November 9th, 1883.—So I am the first Lord Mayor of the grand new Municipality of London! Proud position. ‘‘ Westminster, Lord Mayor of London!” Populace seem pleased at my appearance. Wonder what the ‘‘ City Magnates”’ will think of a Duke as their Chief Magistrate. Must try and be very affable. At Mansion House.—Curious, City Magnates all seem dreadfully afraid of me. Wonder if I ought to send for Loving Cup at once. Wonder what old Lord Mayors did to make themselves popular. Must get FretH to coach me up in this. Procession to-day, at all events, shall be a tremendous success. Determined to show London the difference between a Mayor who’s only a ‘‘ City snob,”’ to use a vulgar expression which Friar is constantly using, and a real live Duke. My new State-coach, with sixteen performing elephants harnessed to it, will take the bopaiet, I rather fancy. Thoughtful of me to have secured services of all Madame Tussaub’s wax-work figures to sit in carriages, dressed like Sheriffs. Twelve o’ Clock.—Time for Procession to start. Feel nervous. Why should a Lord Mayor wear these ridiculous ‘‘ robes of office” ? Wish GtapsToNE had inserted a clause in his Act, allowing me to appear in ordinary morning-coat on all State occasions. Also find the Ducal Coronet troublesome ; shouldn’t have put it on, only Frets insisted that populace would smash windows of new State Coach, if I didn’t. Five o’ Clock.—Show not quite as great a success as I expected. Elephants turned out rather refractory somewhere up in Canonbury. Was obliged to extend old route, to please ratepayers of ‘‘ Larger London”; made it include Hammersmith, Croydon, Hampstead, Greenwich, and back down Edgeware Road. Rather tiring. Men in armour mutinied in Shadwell, and refused to goon without an hour’s rest and money for refreshments. Took opportunity to put robes and coronet on one of Madame Tussavn’s figures, stuck him in the State Coach, and had a quiet snooze at the bottom of the carriage. At Hampstead, band struck. Provoking! Attitude of populace on the whole satisfactory. Don’t, however, quite know if they were cheering Alderman and Sheriff BrapLaven, or myself. Street-boys also don’t seem to understand new order of things. Stopped ~ | coach several times, and explained to them t I was not an ordinary Lord Mayor, and that the new Munici- pality was entirely distinct from the old City. Evening.—Dinner to Her Majesty’s Ministers. Thank Heaven, this will be an occasion on which they can’t help feeling difference tween a nobleman and a “City nob” (as Frarm says). Wonder who all those peculiarly-dressed females are ? Am just giving orders to have them turned out as intruders, when FintTH whispers to me that they are the relatives of thenew Aldermen. Heavens! Forgot t new Aldermen were elected by ratepayers. They have come Irom a “new social stratum,” too. y should Wapping have insisted on returning BrapLaveH at head of the poll? There he is! Im’t there an oath for an Alderman and Sheriff, I wonder ? If so, might manage to exclude him. After a Week.—Find duties of the office simply overwhelming. Everybody who’s got a grievance comes tome. Have received in two days deputations from Society for Spread of Sensational Literature Society for Suppression of Smoking, the League for the Total an Unconditional Conversion of Mahometan Costermongers, the Skeleton Army, the Salvation Ditto, the Timbuctoo Famine Relief Committee, the tepayers’ rome | Committee, and the Council of the ** Working-men’s Channel Tunnel and Proletariat Balloon Society.” ‘* Nationalisation of Land Society ” just sent a deputation to ask me to lend Egyptian Chamber of Mansion House for a meeting to denounce rents! Very insulting, Refused sonay Deputation seemed annoyed. Said the ‘‘ new Municipality was democratic, and Mansion House belonged to the =. Really this sort of thing very irritating. Some people don’t seem to know the difference between a Duke and a spectacle-maker. ” After a Fortnight.—Felt that the new order of things meant cessa- tion of old extravagant style of Aldermanic banquets. So rose to occasion, and gave strict orders to limit the wine to one bottle of our fine new brand of ‘‘ Municipality Champagne,” at five-and-sixpence adozen. Also have had turtle-soup diluted with half-and-half best Thames water, from which ‘‘ animal organisms” have been pretty well excluded by filtration. Waiters strike ‘‘ en masse’’ just before bengast to Serene Highness Emperor of Saskatchewan! Awkward. ust dissemble. Am extremely affable to waiters, and get them to promise to come back ‘* for one night certain’ on promise that I won’t keep what’s left from to-night’s banquet till next one a week hence. __ Fancy Dress Ball last night. Aldermanic representative of Seven Dials brought a whole host of relatives. Obliged to retire at an early period of evening to cellars, where I enjoyed quiet glass of splendid Madeira, laid down by dear old Corporation, in company with Fiera. Frets says he thinks new oe is not ‘* going” quite as well as he expected. I reply, that 1 wish it were gone altogether. He rather agrees with me. We both slip out by back-door, and off to Grosvenor House, where I have a regular jolly evening, the first since I was elected Lord Mayor. February.—Hurrah! Shower of snow at last. Now will show pulace what they gain by a grand Municipality. Been waiting for this opportunity all the winter. Had men in readiness night and day, to sweep every thoroughfare perfectly clean in two hours ! Result disappointing. Men thought winter was over, and have, it appears, deserted posts. Got in amateur sweepers, at extra cost. About twenty thousand men, and five thousand waggons. Expense, Iam afraid, enormous. Snow all into Thames, and causes disastrous flood. An deputation from inhabitants of flooded houses waits on me at Mansion House. Refuse tosee them. Amateur sweepers run away with the Municipality’s brooms and carts. Just got snow well cleared away at cost of some thousands to ratepayers, when down it comes again, worse than ever ! Neat Day.—Resign post. Tell GuapsTonE to ine it to a soap- boiler. Old “social stratum” much the best for this sort of thing. Go off to Cannes with Firtu, to recuperate, and try and forget the most disagreeable half-year I ever spent in my life. VOL, LXXXIv. M

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CHARIVARI. [Marcu 17, 1883, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON \ First Stranger. “‘1 BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO MARLBOROUGH STREET?” Second Ditto. ** AuGH! vE’y sowwy "—(ponders)—“ WEALLY 'FWAID I cAN’T, THEY—AH —GEN’ WALLY TAKE ME 'Bow Stweet!” [Hats and apologies. Exewnt, OUR MUSIC OF THE FUTURE. Tux friends of popular education have, of course, been highly gratified by the announce- ment touching the Education Code, and specifically the ‘‘ Music Schedule,” that :—‘* The finishing touch has just been put to the New Education Code by the issue of * Instructions as to Examinations in Singing.’”» What delightful results may be expected from the populari- sation of Music! When even the rustics have received a musical education, the ploughman. who now, as in Mrzton’s time, still, if he be not too melancholy, ‘‘ whistles o’er the furrowed land,” will soon, having been taught to sing by note, whistle a tune, perhaps the dramatic or devotional inspiration of a classical composer, and whistle it according to knowledge. “And the milkmaid singing blithe,” will also sing ‘‘ beautiful,” as those classes for the say, who, when they shall have been taught grammar as well as music, will then sa ** beau y.” That is, if by that time milkmaids will not have been altogether supersed by milkmen, or steam or electric machinery. Servants—any accustomed to sing at their work —will sing as well and correctly as young Ladies in general do now. Operatives and art will lighten their labours with song scientifically sung. The ‘‘ Harmonious Blacksmi ” ? BOTHAM’S pearing, artisans | dogs should be led. will be everywhere, and we shall be all speaking in recitative, carrying about with us pocket-trombones with which to do the finishing chords. In due time, let us hope, we shall shortly realise the advantage enjoyed of old by the venerable old Lady of Banbury Cross, and ‘shall have music wherever we go.” round our hats we shall wear hat-bands of music ; and, at last, none of us will go about unaccompanied—by a keeper supplied by the Harmonious Hanwell Hassociation. “A STARVING DOCTOR.” ‘*Many valuable lives might be preserved if we had the courage to face the accusation of being, as I am, astarving doctor.””—Dr. ANDREW CuaRK in The British Medical Journal. Now list we all to ANDREW CLARK, And what he says on eating, Though haply each severe remark, Will set some pulses beating. He raves, in his peculiar style, inst gormandising sinners, And bids us eat plain teas the while, And purely phantom dinners. Farewell to every neat entrée, To sweet and subtle sauces ; No piquant ragout from to-day ust titivate your fauces, In what then can you seek relief, Although you’re not a glutton ? Here ’s Doctor Ciark forbids you beef, And scorns the thought of mutton. He says at breakfast take, I beg, Some tea and bread- d-butter ; He ’ll just allow one single egg. A mercy that, you mutter. At midday he would have you dine, On fish, on wings of chickens, A plain milk bese aug and no wine— And that’s the very ‘‘ dickens!” At five or six o’clock you’ve tea, ‘he breakfast fare repeated, A tiny bit of fish maybe, hen, lo! your meals completed. And if to all his rules you bow, Each invitation scornin One glass of water he ’ll allow, At night and in the morning. Such is the fare—no longer can The gastronome run riot. Oh, ANDREW CLARK! cries hapless man, Is that my proper diet ? I’ll feast, and you shall patch me up; Of physic you’re concocter : What’s life, unless we dine and sup? So hang the Starving Doctor ! GARTER QUEENS OF CHARMS, A number of young Ladies have worried the Heralds’ College into holding a special Chapter for the purpose of considering the propriety of allowing them to wear Crests in their bonnets, and granting them special Petticoats of Arms. Nore sy A Preasant Bankrupt (One of the few he had by him—in his “‘ New ules for dealing with Duns’’).—When you can’t pay cash, pay attention. SomEsopy said, Pig a in the “Yes | she exclaimed, ‘and all pigeons should be clay.” —————

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Marcy 17, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Wy ae . dal N , YY / l | If / / ff SS TRIUMPH OF Last ScenE OF THE TOURNAMENT OF DOVES IN THE PRESENCE oF H.R.H. THE Princess oF WALES. 4 >, 6) Diy Mh, M44 Witt), SIR PIGEON! GLEE FOR THE UNIVERSITY CREWS. Row, Brothers, row; can’t row too fast. While steamboats are near does our danger last. “A Porr 1s Born, not Mapr.”—Oh, indeed! Then have not sunflowers, knee-breeches, long hair, white waistcoats, and general pness nothing to do with Poet-manufacture in the present day ? fi ech” in True Freepom.—Some say there is no “freedom of s 8 parole France. Absurd, when a French General is free to break Phonneur ! ‘SWEATHER—’TIS BETTER.’’—HAMLET, Wuen Warning Wicerns storms doth prophesy, We wear new hats and put our gingham by. Exact Postrion or tHE NortH Pore.—Under Mr. Justice Nortn’s wig. Sone T Hylands, New Nawz.—The Metropolitan Board of ‘“‘ Shirks.” ‘© BE AVOIDED BY Mr. Bicear.—‘' My Heart’s with the

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. [Maron 17, 1883.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE ‘DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. JO DISS Nh Y AS ANS PARLIAMENTARY AND THEATRICAL —<—= Pan one ~ cae a “AT HOME” IN DOWNING STREET. ‘* Sure such pairs were never seen, so justly formed to meet by Nature.” House of Commons, Monday Night, March 5.— Grand Old Man came up smiling, having given knock-down blow to Father Time, who has been reminding him he is seyenty-four. Drove from Downing Street through crowd of admirers. anted to put on his mask, to show them how he did it at Nice. Mrs. GLADSTONE wouldn’t hear of it. Would look frivolous, she said. Besides there was no need of it out-of-doors. When he got inside, RanpoipxH and the rest would doubtless be throwing mud at him, when he might put it on if he liked. Meantime, if he’d only give his collar an extra hitch up, it would answer all p of a mask, G. O, M. assented, put on his fur pelisse, shook an extra reef out of the mainsail on either side of his face, and looked quite picturesque. “* Still under pelisse protection,” I said, touching the coat lest he shouldn’t see the joke. (Tiresome to have to explain jokes, _ “‘ Ah, Tony, there you are!” hecried. ‘And if it’sa tion, How have you been?” This comes of sitting on a knife-board, as Mr. Rarkes puts it. Sharper than ever. I could hardly keep up with him as he walked along the passage, across the lobby, and so into House, where received with great cheering. Immense brightening up on Conservative side. RANDOLPH radiant. ‘* Most miserable fortnight ever ‘* Might as well try to draw a quarter’s salary in advance or the line between ASHMEAD-BaRrtTLett and CHAPLIN as try to draw Hartine- TON. But here’s this Grand yet Childish Old Man back amongst us, and 1 ’ll have him out before we are forty minutes older.” So he did, though Barrretor caught him first, and got out a speech on Egypt. RanDoLPH, little later, drew him on Transvaal my with one or two minor speeches, was pretty well for first night. om display of tive force just before GLADSTONE arrived. Conservative minority increased by six -feet-four-and-a- half. Mr. Brewster, who owns these inches, took his seat for Portarlington. Walked up to Table between Torrennam and Kine-HanMan, mere striplings of six-feet-three. _** Let’s see ’em beating that!” said Sir Witt1am Dyxg, rubbing his hands. ‘‘If they lick us in length of figures in the Division Lobby, they shan’t on the floor of the House.” Liberals _ to hide their discomfiture under sneers. ‘“*The smaller the Borough, the bigger the Member,” says Mr. Woopatt. “* BrEwsTER should be the Constituency, and Portarlington should represent him here,” says Mr, Branb, me talk of Mr. Cores accepting the Chiltern Hundreds, going down for re-election, coming back, and being introduced by Mr. WHITBREAD and ARTHUR GUEST. “*That’d_ make ’em look blue,” says Lord Ricuarp GRosvENOR cheerily. Business done.—Votes in Supply. Tuesday.—House of Commons properly jealous of interference of Peers with their procedure, whether at election time or otherwise. Lord Carryeton threatened with dire displeasure, because he is ques- spent in Parliament,” he says.

reported to have invited ‘‘the notables” of Wycombe to a little entertainment at Wycombe Abbey, after writ had been issued for new election of Borough Member. Contrast with this the indifference, or, rather, pleasure, with which the House permits interference of another member of the Peerage with its procedure. When a certain Count (said to be of Polish extraction) visits the House, and autocratically upsets its pro- cedure, we don’t hear any high talk about interference of other House. N go | proposes to raise a Constitutional question about Count Out. He looked in to-night about half-past eight. Bundled SpzaxKep out of Chair, drove Members forth, ordered Captain Gosset to ‘‘take away the bauble” from the table, and had the whole place es shut up. Pride’s Purge nothing to peremptory action of the Count. RanpDotrH riled because he Motion down about Endowed Schools in Ireland. Wanted to show how interests of these had suffered whilst Grapstone frittering his time away at Cannes. But Ranpotru helpless before the <4 Count who promises to be the last of the Peers. Only pity is he didn’t ap-peer earlier on the scene. No one would have suffered, and many patient persons would have benefited if the noble Lord had turned up with regu- larity at half-past seven on every night Address was debated. Business done.—House Counted Out at half-past Eight. Wednesday Afternoon.—Quite a lively debate on Mr. ANDER- son’s Bill to put down Pa aine. At one time seemed to touch the domain of i = 4 r. ForsTeR, supportin Bill, said he’d ‘‘never shot a fellow-creature but once.” Thrill o horror ran through the House at expected disclosures. Parnellites ricked up their ears. JosEPH GILLIS, momentarily awaking from Ganka, cried ‘‘ Hear! hear!” b ** Always thought there was some great mystery about ForstTER, JosEPH remarked to Captain O’Suea, the confidential adviser and Father Confessor of the party. ‘‘ Why does he never brush his hair? Can you tell me that, O’SHay? Is it remorse, or a vow of penance?” ‘Never shot a fellow-creature but once,” Mr, Forster continued, ‘* and that was a cat.” : Trish Members <uppeinied. and House generally relieved. But Forster mustn’t recklessly and without notice make jokes of this kind. House not used to it. Pleasant to see Sir HerBERT MaxwELt ask Mr. ANDERSON to con- sider the question from the point of view of the Pigeon. ‘‘ Suppose you were a Blue Rock, now,” says the Hon. Baronet, re ng Mr. ANDERSON with head suggestively ononeside. Ordinary ee could not fly so high. Member for Glasgow too massive for the Sir Watrer BartreLot monstrous mysterious, and more ever emphatic. “Tf you pass Bills like these,” says he, “ Country Gentlemen will be driven to live in London ; and a more mischievous thing I cannot ; e.” x oo to make yer flesh creep,” said the Fat Boy to the Deaf Lady who lived at Dingley Dell. Miz t have added, had he known

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Marcu 17, 1883,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 125 the House of Commons, ‘‘Go and hear Sir WattEE BarrrEtor.” Nobody knows exactly what would happen if Country Gentlemen driven to live in London. But Sir WALTER, who knows, says, in most mysterious flesh - creepiest way, it would be most mischievous. House trembles, and secretly re- solves to withstand incursion- Business done.—4 to 1 (in Divi- sion Lobby) inst Pigeon- shooting taken and wanted. Lord Randolph Churchill pities the Pigeons at Monte Carlo. Thursday.—JosEPH GILLIS came down about ten o’clock. Thought he’d be crushed, and, like a timid fawn, undesirous of human society. Would have passed him by pretending not to see him. But J. B was not at all like that. Came along with his accustomed lithe step and with the familiar smile on his too seductive countenance. “Didn’t see you in Court to-day, Tony,’ says he, as if it was Mr. ForstER who had been on trial. ‘* Great crush, a little hot, ary you were as well out of it.” “Ah! JoszPH, whata man you are,” I said. ‘* When we were speculating on your visit to Paris, wondering what it would lead to, how far the Constitution would be shattered, and whether the Throne was safe, you were philandering in the mazes of the Bon Marché, buying boots and things, and casting golden chains around coy maidenhood.”’ “Coy, is it?” said JoszPH, with his serene smile. ‘‘ Bedad, she was always renewing her application, I know I’m a little powerful with the female sex. I warned her at first, but it was no use. She was always after proposing to me.” “‘Tt has from remote ages been the fate of JoszpH to be thus pur- sued. You must be careful in future. A man of your fascinations should be generous.” _“ Begorra,” said JosEPH, and an expression of pain flitted over his countenance. ‘I have to be generous whether I will or no. There ’s four hundred pounds to pay, besides costs. Tell you what, Tony, I’ll go intoa monastery, unless I get a new trial,” and he walked away with something of the old lightsomeness fallen from his step. Lively night in House. Irish Mems. on parade. The genial O’Brien put in forefront. Holds Mr. Trevetyan up to “*execration of Ireland.” TREVELYAN recalls how O’Brien, in his Paper, has similarly held up to execration four men, Mr. ForstEr, Mr. Burxez, Mr. Justice Lawson, and Mr. Fretp. House listens and reflects, not without thrill of emotion. Srxron loudly indignant at Mr. Trevetyan’s remarks about his ‘‘ honourable friend.’ Nothing more astonishing about Land- Leaguers than their sensitiveness to punish- ment. O’Brien holds up Corer SecRETARY to execration of Ireland amid approving cheers from Land-Leaguers. Mr. TREVELYAN knocks aside bludgeon, touches O’Brien with rapier, and Mr. Sexton can scarcely Hon. C. Spencer, MP. restrain tears of burning indignation at : outrage. (Masher of Parliament.) “Business done.—V oting Supply. 29 Saterday Morning.—Met at rt four yesterday afternoon, do a little various thin wildly broug t necessary business sai : to be imperative. Talked on till half-past Eleven. ‘*The Man from Shropshire” S -_ , When at last in Committee, agreeably spent an hour Sh Personal discussion between O’Brren and Home Secrerary. to ortly after One this morning got one vote. For place of business apprentice promising youth, 1 recommend House of Commons. in again that burning question about Dormant Funds | Lord RECKLESS WRITING AND CARELESS PUFFING. Tux art of Theatrical Advertising is progressing. The Public has now for some time grown familiar with the famous ‘‘ Couple of master- pieces in one ape yi rt forward as an attraction to wheedle it within the walls of the Adelphi. It has, moreover, had the privilege of dwelling on the sanitary considerations urged upon it with so much ey and force by the Barnumian genius who presides at the Savoy. hen there has been the splendid tone of confidence suggested by a reference to the Drury e ‘‘takings,”—to say nothing of the latest effort in the puffing line made 7 gentleman who appears to have approached the Management of Her Majesty's, not only ani- mated with excellent intentions, but gi with complete-letter- writing powers of really a high order. And all these signs of the times are encouraging. But an Actor and M: r of Mr. Toox’s reputation should be more cautious in the selection of his cuttings from newspaper criticisms than to quote the following lines from a notice which purports to have appeared in the Daily Chronicle, which, in mentioning H. J. Brron’s Uncle Dick’s Darling, says :— ** Humorous and lively to the last, these comedies offend no taste; but, pure in tone, thought, and expression, stand, and will stand, as mementos of one English playwright who was content to find his effects away from the dangerous ground of immoral intrigue, blasphemy, and swearing.’ There is no occasion to remark on the above brief commentary further than to point out that, if itself pure in tone, thought, and expression, and humorous and lively to the last, unlike the comedies to which it referred, it was scarcely so fortunate on the score of good taste. The inference, undoubtedly, is that there are Dramatic Authors, whv, unlike the Author of Uncle Dick’s Darling, are accustomed to ‘‘find their effects” in ‘‘immoral intrigue blasphemy, and swearing.” Surely Mr. Toorx himself woul be the last person to corroborate such a sweeping assertion, for it would be as bad as saying that many of the pieces he had appeared in, have been essentially immoral, blasphemous, and profane. Were this indictment true, the several guilty members of the Dramatic Authors’ Society should have their dramatic piéces de con- viction brought against them as ing evidence, and be sentenced to the same punishment as the Editor of the Freethinker is now undergoing. The quotation, whatever may have been the context in the original, is an aspersion on the fair fame of English Dramatists who, as a rule, have been so careful to avoid everythin approaching immoral intrigue, that when any one of them has ha to adapt a risky French piece, he has chosen rather to incur blame and the chance of failure, by toning down and removing whatever immoral motive there might be, to achieving success by closely adhering to the original. Moreover, such a very ‘‘ nasty one” levelled at contemporary literature was also extremely hard upon that worthy and most > oe functionary, the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN. | However, Mr. Tootz has already struck it out of his advertise- ment, and it speaks well for his judgment that he has done so. But the paragraph in question has naturally suggested on all sides loud cries of ** Name ?’ LOVE AND LAW. Dear Mr. Pounce I PERCEIVE by the papers that a person named CaINE pro- ses the Abolition of Actions for Breach of Promise of Marriage ! roposes, indeed! ‘The wretech!! Are we poor women to be rob of one of our few protections against the flattering falseness of the “ Proposing" sex? Not that men “‘ propose” too much. On the contrary. I maintain that, as by social convention, if not by law, they have a mono- poly of the right of “‘ proposing,” they should be compelled, by law, to exercise that right more fully than theydo. An exclusive privilege inadequately used is at once an insult and an injury to the unprivileged. That's logic, I hope, and enough for Girton or The Nineteenth Century. Carxr’s proposal—fancy being proposed to by a man with that name! —is preposterous, of course. Jf men propose, they must—well, take the consequences in the fullest sense. Matrimony, or money down! But can nothing be done with those who won’t : propose, who won’t even woo? Marriage they shun, and courting they seem to despise. Could they not be prosecuted for ‘* Contempt of Court”? That, I maintain, would—as the Daily News says the Chancellor’s New Bill does not—“‘ go very far towards putting Contempt of Court upon a proper basis.” Do see to it, there’sa dear Grand Old Man, and you will confer a real favour—a wedding fayour—on Yours devotedly, Betrnpa BiissLEss.

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ee [Marcy 17, 1883, —— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. n | valid Bl i is A FAIR RETORT. Mrs. Mountjoy Belassis (after several collisions), ‘‘Ir stTRIKES ME, Mz, RUDDERFORD, YOU'RE MUCH MORE AT HOME IN A Boat THAN IN A BaLL-RooM!” Little Bobby Rudderford (the famous Oxbridge coxswain). ‘Yas, BY JovE! AND I’D sOONER STEER EighT MgN THAN ONE WoMAN ANY pay!” THE ROUGH AND THE RAIL. Butt built himself a spacious esplanade, Whereon at ease to stroll, or drive, or dwell ; . ‘*Shake hands, Jonny, with yourself, for once,” he said, ‘* For this looks wondrous well.” ‘** A thing of beauty #s a joy for ever,” Quoth Joun. ‘I see a bard may be believed.” Mistaken Minstrel! Man exceeding clever, But parlously deceived ! For ever? Scarce five years, five months, five weeks, At least in London, where the thralls of toil Unwatchful, plod, whilst Greed spies on and seeks, Spoiling, to snatch its spoil. Greed in all guises, from the Rough, whose hand To grab some coppers would beat out your brains, To Railway-men, a ruthless, lynx-eyed band, Intent on greater gains. Poor JoHN! Policedom’s prowess failed to cope With bold Brut Srezs by night, but sadder still The dreary failure of his joy, hi ho * rought by the Private Bill, Slipped through in dull St. Stephen’s drowsied hour, hen tale dese Members dine or slumber fast, The charter of the selfish stintless pow’r Of the iconoclast. This still the chuckling churl of commerce arms With right to wrong, with privilege to deface, To rob the country of its choicest charms, The town of its last grace. Or Buttermere, or the Embankment, nought Is sacred to these “ sappers”’ of to-day: And where were they who should the ghouls have fought And baulked them of their prey ? Where Westminster’s two Members, men of pith ? Pooh! spiteful puerility quite absorbs St. Stephen’s wranglers ; there’s no time for SmirH To fight it out with Forsgs, The Spoilers have their will; they dig, they fell, Fresh verdure vanishes, and, in its room, Huge Vomitoria void unpleasant smell And spread lugubrious gloom. ‘* Hullo!” cries Jonn, aghast. ‘‘ What does this mean ? What hideous shapes obstruct my finest view ? What blight malodorous blasts the budding green ? 6b, come, this will not do!” ‘Too late!” lisped sleek Officialism. ‘‘ Sad, Unjustifiable, but fatal—now!” And sly Monopoly raised its chortle glad, And reared its brazen brow. Then Jonn waxed wroth, and Punchius in his ear ispered the counsel never heard in vain,— _ ‘Put down your foot! Roughdom your roads will clear, And Railwaydom refrain. ‘* Spite of unwatchful Senators, and spite Of watchful Greed, put down your foot, I say, On your Embankment-spoilers, birds of night, Or harpies of the day. ‘* Against King Log, whose vigilance may fail, _ Against King Stork, armed with his Private Bill, There is one power that must and should prevail,— The power of Public Will!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Manrcx 17, 1883. lh) an { RAIMI YEN WL] ff} “iit “ a) " uh f yy OY i A ( ee _.stsiiilll), THE ROUGH AND THE RAIL; OR, THE EMBANKMENT IN DANGER. Loxpon Roven. ‘I MAKES IT DELIGHTFUL BY NIGHT!” District Ramway Drecror. ‘* AND I’M MAKING IT BE-UTIFUL BY DAY!” Mr. Puncn. “‘ YES—AND THE SOONER YOU’RE BOTH CLEARED OFF THE BETTER!!!”

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Maron 17, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Fohn Richard Green. Author of “ A Short History of the English People,” §c. Died at Mentone, March 8, 1883, at the age of 45. EnoveH for one brief life the toil, the glory, So to have told our stirring English story That ears of English men most gladly listen, That eyes of English youth will glow and glisten. Yet all must grieve, gay stripling or grave sage, Robbed by o’er-hasty Death of many a noble page. THE EMPIRE IN DANGER AGAIN! “Tt is impossible to overstate the indignation existing in India on the subject of Lord Rrpon’s Criminal Amendment Bill.” —Daily Paper. Waar the Indians or Anglo-Indians really think about the matter is possibly something like this :— Lord “- Must really try and recollect that I’m a Liberal Viceroy. hy not introduce some reforms before I retire? Here’s KrsErzey telegraphing that English Radicals are very discontented, and ‘‘ can’t I do something to please them?”’ So I must adapt ‘‘ the theories of the Magazines and er of the Caucus ”’ to India, I suppose. Hope GLapsTonE will be satisfied, I’m sure; there’ll bea perfect Aowl out here! Here goes with a Bill allowing Native Magistrates to try Europeans in country districts. ILBERT says it’s all right. ItBERT is a lawyer, and he ought to know. If there’s a tremendous row, I can call it an experiment, and withdraw it quietly. The Anglo-Indian Captain Sahib.—Gave RamMcHUNDER, my Bheesty, one on the side of his head this morning for bringing several disgusting frogs, alive, from the pond in the water for my bath. Didn’t hurt RamcHunpErR a bit. What does the fellow do but rush out of my bungalow, and take out a summons against me for assault! Never heard such impudence in my life. Am told the reason is that they ’ve got a ‘‘ Native Magistrate” appointed, who is severe on Sahibs who ‘‘ knock their servants about.’’ What ts the country coming to, I should like to know? It’ll be awkward if I’m fined by the brute. Hope they won’t mention in Court about Jem- SETJEE, that ‘‘ Punkah-Wallah’”’ whom I touched up with a gentle kick, and who was so inconsiderate as to go out into the Compound and expire soon afterwards. When old Smrru, of the I.C.S., was our Beak, he never took any notice of those little things. Times have indeed changed. Must remember only to kick the niggers in future when I have my slippers on. Our Vakeel (or Native Advocate). Lord Ripon is a resplendent Viceroy! He knows what is justice for the poor despised Hindoo. Old Bazoo will be an ever so much better Magistrate than SmirH ahib. Never could produce much effect on SmirH Sahib. Only time I ever offered him a bribe—it was a Lac of Rupees, too—he actually threatened to kick me out of his tent! Such oppression is unbearable. Now we shall have some of the good old corrupt days back again. Glad that I am so much richer than that CHowRINGHEE the rival Vakeel. Where will CoowRINGHEE be now, I wonder ? Surru Sahib used to like CHOowWRINGHEE. That was because the dog never offered SmitH Sahib a bribe. CHowniNeHEE hasn’t the money todoit with! ButIhave. Let us then beg the QuEEN to permit us to have Lord Ripon just five years longer! Who knows whether we shan’t in that time be locking up all the Sahibs in gaol, without the option of a fine, for eating Cow ? The Anglo-Tory Politician. Here’s another abominable blow at our glorious Empire! CHAMBERLAIN ’s at the bottom of it, I’ll be bound. He always is, if there ’s any mischief to be done anywhere. Hear that Ripon receives daily telegrams from the Radical Caucus at Birmingham ! Hear also (Tommy told me this at the Club as perfectly authentic”) that the Government is seriously contem- ting proclaiming total independence of India at once, also of all our other Colonies, and ting unlimited Home Rule to Ireland! Gtapstone (Tommy said) feels he’s ‘‘ breaking up,” and wants to break up something else first, and so is trying his hand at the British Empire, Evidently Riron’s measure about Native Magistrates is thin end of the wedge. Don’t quite know details of the Bill, but suppose it’s to abolish all English Judges in India, and put ndoos in their place. At least, so Tommy said, and he is sure to sow, because his uncle’s father had a cousin who was Governor or something at Madras, or Seringapatam, or somewhere out there, THE PEN AND THE PETTICOAT. geinr Paget has written an Article in the current number of the tneteenth Century, entitled ‘‘ Common Sense in Dress and Fashion.” Common Sense under those circumstances is generally in masquerade, and usually disguised as Folly. STANDING ON CEREMONY. ‘*Taat w4s A Funny Story Mr. Dixon Totp, Aunt JEsste— THE ONE THAT MADE YoU LAUGH sO MUCH, YOU KNOW!” ‘*Yxes. WuHy DIDN’T You LAUGH, Ipa?” ‘On, I pon’T KNow Mr. Dixon WELL ENOUGH !” REYNARD’S DIARY FOR 1898. 6 A.M.—Up early to have a look at these new-fangled sportsmen. What a change from my grandfather’s time! What a falling-off! Ah! indeed! Feel quite melancholy. Console myself with a good old-fashioned breakfast on somebody else’s goose. Better. _8 a.m.—Correspondence. Grumbling letter from a performing tiger travelling with his menagerie. Wants to know why the dickens I’ve got an Act of Parliament to make me comfortable, while he’s obliged to stand up on his hind legs, like a fool, before the keeper and a set of gaping shilling places, because he’s afraid of red-hot pincers ; says the hyzna takes exactly the same view of it. Poor devils! Why don’t they, both of them, write to the papers? Hulloah! here comes the mechanical fox! Oh! isn’t this funny! 10 a.M.—Well, I never! Call this a Meet? And what a pack! Well, they do look a miserable lot! ’Pon my word, if it wasn’t for fear of legal | encary my I would just show, and give ?em a good run myself. It would do ’em all the good in the world. , Noon.—Off at last! Mechanical fox no go. Burst his spring and went over a brick wall into a conservatory. So the Master of the Hunt said the field might chivey him instead. Yoicks! Tally- ho! Away they go, the whole lot of ’em! By Joye, I can’t stand this: I must cut in, if it’s only to come in at the tail of ’em. I will. Here goes! Forrard! 2 P.M.—Well. That’s the best run I’ve ever had in my life. But, oh! didn’t the Master puzzle us, rather! But we run him to earth at last. Ha! ha! Theslyold vermin! Dearme,—what am I talking about? Why, here I am, in the very midst of the whole lot of ’em. And, no!—yes! It’s a fact—cut by the whole pack! Not a dog will speak tome! Nasty of ’em, ony Home much depressed. 8 p.M.—Turned it all over, and think perhaps I’m as well out of the fun, after all. Wrote rather a nice letter to the tiger. Told him there was no reason he shouldn’t be protected as well as the poor little victims who used to suffer at Hurlingham. By Jove! . That reminds me ;—Supper! Turn in at the ‘‘ Dove Cot.’ Service—all that could be desired. Pigeons excellent! To bed, thoughtful.

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130 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _ [Maron 17, 1883, — WANTS TO KNOW. Srm,—In last week’s Illus- trated London News there is a picture of the Confirmation of the New Archbishop of CANTERBURY in Bow Church. We thought he had been con- firmed ee when a boy; however tter late than never. | But what we want to know is, what is that bird =| there, perched on a ball? H as it any reference to Mr. AnpERson’s Pigeon Bill? Is it a Rook? and are the Gentlemen in forensic cos- tume hearing its caws? Some well-informed person has told us that it is the Eagle. From where—the City Road? The Angel from Islington would have been =" appropriate. A Little too Late. UnveEr the Chapel of the old Scotch College, now a boarding-school, near the Pan- theon at Paris, some workmen are reported, in sinking a drain, to have discovered a leaden case containing the brains of JamEs THE SECOND, who had bequeathed them to the Seminary which he re- garded with a national in- terest. Whata pity the King didn’t make the discovery himself in time to save his crown, ‘*SHE’s so touchy, I can’t say a word,” said Raxs- BOTHAM ; ‘* her temper is ‘like frills upon the frightful Phi- listine,’ as the saying is.” PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 127. —— MARCH MADRIGAL, (By a Hater of East Winds.) A PECK of March dust may be worth a King’s ransom, But blown in one’s eye by this pitiless wind, ck of it plagues, s0 ’d give something hand- some To ‘‘down with the dust,” which has made me half blind. Br-r-r! Chilled to the mar- row, I shrink from all movement, My skin is like parchment, my palate a-parch. Science talks very big of the March of Improvement, I wish she’d effect the im- provement of March ! A No Law can touch a Free- thinker, which is a most in- ee name for any publication; but it can and ought to restrain the free speaker and the too free-and- easy writer who offends against good taste, and who seems to consider that freedom of opinion should only be con- strued to mean an obligation on everybody to agree with the Frosthinker's own pecu- MR. JUSTICE CHITTY. Aut Har, “Jor Carrry!” A Srroxe oF GENIUS, AND A SrrokE OF Luck! In Boat, aT Bak, ON BENCH, YOU ARE, AND WERE, By ALL ACKNOWLEDGED ‘‘ FAIREST OF THE Farr,” liar ideas. Pity there are not a few more Mr. Justices NortH further South, where even the Freethinker’s Christ- mas Number is outdone by the style of paper recently hawked about the streets of some Continental cities. The wor- ship of Respectability in Eng- land is something better than merely the homage paid by Vice to Virtue. FoRTUNE FAVOURS Pitck, “FRATER ALFRED ATQUE VALE.” [See the Poet Laureate’s lines in the Nineteenth Century for this March. The Young Man who does our poetry says he is quite y to sign himself “A. T.” ( Appy ee if the Editor of the abovementioned Review will only make it worth his while. Inspired by the Laureate’s contribution of nine lines to the Nineteenth Century (there’s luck in odd numbers), our Young Man sends us the following, only premising that they are supposed to be spoken by the Editor of the NV. C., the firat line being pe by him to the P. L.] ‘** Wire us lines for our Magazine 0, sold in Paternoster Row!” So he wrote, and so they printed, Kraan, Paut, anD Trencu, & Co. And it made the present number of the Nineteenth Century go Like the wildest wild-fire, for the pages otherwise were slow, With its articles by Lurrorp, Srantey, Date, and Warts (THEO0), Who are not a great attraction, though himself each may think so, But when following our Poet are just worth Horatio When upon the scene with Hamlet in 9 great Lyceum show,— Such at least is the opinion of Paut, Kraan, Trencu, & Co. ALFRED TWENTYSTONE. Wat was probably considered at first to be the obstacle to Mr. Bieear’s marriage? It was said he was afraid of committing Biggar-my. Tax Wooden Leg. A new Novel by the Author of The Golden Calf. A HANDBOOK OF KNOWLEDGE. No. IX.—Ratitways. Part IV., and Last.—Concerning the Qualifications and Require- ments of Railway Travellers. Q. What do you consider to be the essential qualifications of successful Railway Traveller under existing railway regulations ? A, It is difficult to summarise them. Chief among them, how- ever, may be mentioned :— 1, Unusual physical strength and endurance. — 2. Absolute indifference to comfort and convenience. 3. Stolid and indomitable patience. _ Q. But are not these the powers and qualities of a Spartan Athlete rather than of an ordinary British Citizen ? A, Precisely. But the British Citizen who does not possess them must necessarily suffer most severely in travelling by rail. : . Will you give me some explanation or illustration of this startling position of yours ? ‘A. It cannot be startling to the person who has travelled and thought. But we generally travel, as we do most customary things, without thi . In this public habitude of unconsideriag acceptance of the uncomfortable as the inevitable, lie the safety the a of the corporate ghouls who prey upon us. Q. But to details. 2 - ‘ AA — are, one heme bey paiet - trength agility are imperatively deman or the mounting interminable flights of stairs, and climbing into almost inaccessible carriages, especially when the traveller has been detained by a sullen ticket-clerk, or is vociferously urged on by furious platform-porter. Lungs of un strength are requisite in order to shout from one end of the platform to another for access to, or liberation from, needlessly locked carriages. Hearing should ee

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Marcu 17, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 131 Mrs, M, ‘“‘Ou, YOU MUST SEE MY CABINET OF CuR’osITIEs. I'M PARTIAL TO Baio-sBats !!” A SHAKSPEARIAN MEDITATION. A Room at the Home Office. Tables covered with piles of books, papers, letters, telegrams, reports, §c., Sc. SeLpDom-atT-HomeE SECRETARY discovered, looking ore and anxious, preparing his Speech for Second Reading of his Government of London Bill. Home Secretary soliloquises— Ir it were done, when I’ve done, then ’twere well It were done quickly. If but the Second Reading Could trammel up all consequence, and catch. When I shall cease, success; if but my speech Could be the be-all and the end-all there. But there, within the babbling House of Commons, I’d jump the House of Lords. But, in these cases, We still have ju t there; that we but teach Senseless obstructions, which, being Songs. return To plague the inventor: This even-handed justice Commends the nuisance of our lengthy speeches To our own ears, The Corporation have a double claim: First, as I was their guide and leading Counsel In their grand Epping Forest Preservation. I gave them counsel, and they gave me gold, Strong both against the deed; then, as their guest (es many a eee banquet at py ey 0 ungry Leaguers shut the door, Not bear the knife myself, unless of course Accompanied with fork. Besides, the Corporation Have spent their wealth so nobly, and have been So ey hospitable, that their virtues e Will plead like angels, trumpet-tongued, against The sheer starvation of their taking off : And Satissury, with tongue like rapier-blade, Sounding a blast, or Cherub CHURCHILL, horsed Upon his insolent courses, beating the air, Shall blow the horrid truth to every heart, “* Ingratitude, thy name is VERNON Harcourt!” I have no spur to prick the sides of my intent, No sym th from all my chaffing colleagues, No word of kindness from the Grand Old Man, No public on and no cry for change ; But vaulting ambition only, which o’erleaps AWFUL Itself, and, like a headstrong acroba’ [Left sitting. t, Falls on the other side! -—— > combine the opposite qualities of abnormal quickness and indifferent ulness, the one to enable the traveller to catch the muffled mutter- ings of —— a to —— a to endure the deafenin —_ of jangling s, shrieking whistles, clanging carriages, rumblin trucks, and shrieking porters. Most especially his eyesight heal be Simneeet sharpest, and quickest imaginable description. : y 80 _4. To give him the slightest chance of distinguishing such essen- tial notifications as the destinations of trains and the names of Sta- tions. The position of a somewhat short-sighted traveller when the train stops at an unknown Station on a darkish night, is extremely pitiable. He projects his head from the window. The — is very long, and indifferently lighted. The name of the tation is posted up in small letters in a dark nook some fifty yards it, and is absolutely indistinguishable. He shouts wild inquiry forth into the darkness. If any reply come at all—which is by no means certain—it probably comes in the form of an inarticulate and unintelligible howl, leaving the traveller the choice of plunging out, and probably being left at a wrong Station, or remaining — he is, and quite as probably being carried on miles past the right one. Q. But might not this be readily avoided ? A. Most certainly. The name of a station should be easily visible every —— to any passenger not absolutely blind. This is 80 obvious as hardly to require assertion, much less proof. It might be managed with the most consummate ease. The neglect of it ues either imbecility, or insolent indifference to the Public's most inary convenience. Q. Are there any other ways in which Railway Companies need- y tax the physical resources of travellers ? A, Very many. The ordinary Railway Station is not to be sur- passed by any known device of sinister mee whether in dreary Weary discomfort, or in facilities for catching cold. Its platform is oppressively gloomy in the finest weather; in bad weather it is exposed to every meteorological unpleasantness that blows, or drives, or falls, or whistles, or soaks, or parches, or numbs, or blinds, or freezes, or palsies. Q. But does it not furnish any sort of shelter against the subtly assaults of our genial climate ? A. Very commonly none whatever. Sometimes, however, there are things called Waiting Rooms ? Q. t are these ? A. Dens of dismalness and discomfort, as depressing to the spirit as trying to the body. In these Waiting Rooms the would-be traveller may—wait. He can do nothing else, save suffer. The typical Waiting Room is, in fact, a public penitentiary. Its dis- ciplinary powers, if fairly tested, would probably be found to com- pare favourably with those of Milbank or the Tombs. vee Q. Is no other sort of retreat furnished for the waiting and weather-tormented traveller? A. Yes; there are places called—in a spirit of sardonic mockery— Refreshment Rooms. At the most important Stations these, in some sort, answer to their name; but at lesser Stations, where often what they promise to our ear is more urgently needed, the success with which they “* break it to our hope” is pyramidally complete. Q. How is this effected ? A, By providing, at exorbitant prices, an extremely limited but carefully selected supply of f warranted not to feed, and ‘“‘refreshments”’ guaranteed never to refresh. The consumption of these articles—as an alternative to starvation—under conditions of the greatest attainable discomfort, severely taxes the strongest digestion and the most perfect temper. To travellers dyspeptic or choleric it is productive of the most serious and lasting mischief. Q. Does oes tendency to wantonly tax the energies of the traveller pervade all departments of Railway Management ? A. Itdoes. The regulations and adjustments of Railwaydom are calculated not for persons of ordinary physique, still less for the feeble or valetudinarian, but for hardy, porfestly-irained Athletes of keen senses, superb Bs gay powers, and indomitable patience. They can only be praised in the same spirit as that in which CHARLES Kinestey lauded the British North-Easter. Combining all the tedium of solitary confinement with the trials of campaigning they might make invulnerable veterans of the few who surviv: their hideous ordeal. Q. Finally, why should the arbitrarily exacting and A. To this i conceivable. Pale put up with arrangements so uous question no satisfactory answer is possible or even

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 17, 1883,

THE KHEDIVE’S POCKET-BOOK. (A Leaf anticipatory of the Immediate Future.) Mowpay.—Sir AUCKLAND Coxvin called upon me, and explained what he called ‘‘ Lord Durrertn’s Constitution.” Sounded excellent. I was tocommand the Army. Then I was to be assisted by a Council wag of Ministers having a sole right to initiate legislation. Further, there was to be a Second Council of Fourteen, partly nominated by my- self and partly nominated by someone else. Besides these, there was to be an Elective Assembly of Forty-four Members, to be con- vened occasionally for purposes of discussion only. And, finally, I was to have the services of Sir AUCKLAND as a Financial Councillor. Asked for further information—‘* What did he mean by a Financial Councillor?” Sir Auck- LAND replied, ‘‘ Lots of things—he would make himself generally useful.” Saw my way toa small loan—‘‘ Could he (Sir AuckLanD) help me in that?” ‘*No, he couldn’t; he was my servant—absolutely— and it would not be dignified for the man to lend money to the master.” Saw my way to a pleasant arrangement. ‘‘ As Sir AucK- LAND was my servant,” I said, ‘‘ I would dismiss him on the spot.” Sir AUCKLAND was very angry, and told me “not to play the fool.” He explained that as he was my servant absolutely, I could do nothing without his advice. ery much frightened; and to conciliate him made him Knight Grand Cross of an Order I have recently created for Europeans—the White Elephant. He refused the gift, and retired in a passion. Tuesday.—Had a capital thought in the night, but did not like to do anything without Sir AuckLanp’s advice. My Financial Coun- cillor is so very irritable. When he camel asked him. ‘‘if I unders him to say that I was head of the Army?” He replied, ‘‘ Certainly—all the troops were at my command.” Ob- served ‘‘that I thought so, and I would not trouble him any further, as I had some business to attend to.” Sir AucKLAND wanted to know ‘*‘ What business ?”’ ‘‘ Oh,” I replied airily, ‘‘ I am only going to send off the Army to loot Constantinople.” Sir Auck- LAND again very angry, and told me “not to talk nonsense.” Explained to him (as my Financial Councillor) that Constantinople was well worth the trouble, and would pay capitally. Sir AUCKLAND replied, that if he heard anything more about it he would have me arrested by a company of the English Line, and confined in a British guard-room. ed him ‘‘ What was the good of being head of the Army unless I could have a shot at somebody?” Sir AucKLAND replied, ‘‘ that it was impossible to explain anything to an Oriental, but that a European would understand the situation perfectly.” Rather puzzled. Asked him then, ‘‘ What should I do with the Army, as it was a pity to waste them.” Str AUCKLAND admitted thatit wasa pity, and suggested (as my Financial Councillor) that I might let the soldiers out as ‘‘ supers” at so much the night to a local hippo- drome or theatre. Fell in with the idea, which pleased Sir Auck- LAND immensely. Wednesday.—Evidently must leave the Army alone, so turned my attention to domestic matters. In the course of the morning Sir AvckLanp looked in, and asked ‘‘ How I was going on?”’ Replied, ** Capitally—that my Council of Ministers had just decreed that the Fellahs were to pay me sixpence a head an hour for the privilege of escaping the bowstring.”’ Sir AUCKLAND ina furious rage. He wanted to know ‘*‘ What they meant by doing that? ’’ Replied, that ‘‘ by the Constitution they surely had the right of initiating legislation ?” Sir AucKLAND answered, ‘‘ Not that sort of legislation. ’Twas like their something impudence to think of such a thing!” Sir Aucx- LAND advised me to dismiss them. Asked what I should do ‘‘if they refused to be dismissed? ’’ ‘‘ Why,’ he replied, ‘‘ appeal to your Second Council of Fourteen, whose special duty it is to curb the action of the First Council.” Sir AucKLAND looked so savage that I agreed to do anything to please him. He replied, ‘‘I had better, or he would write to Lord GRANVILLE about me.” Begged him to for- bear, and asked him ‘‘if he thought Lord GranvitLx would like to be'a Grand Cordon of the White Elephant?” He said ‘‘ that I had better try, if I particularly wanted to be deposed by telegraph.” hursday.—Sir AUCKLAND came to see me at my urgent summons. Told him that the First Council had punched the heads of the Second Council, and that there had been a free fight all night in consequence. He didn’t seem displeased ; on the contrary, expressed his opinion that ‘‘the Constitution was working capitally,” Asked him ‘‘ Whether I should summon the Elective Assembly of Forty-Four Members?” He replied, ‘‘ Certainly, but that I must remember that they were to be convened for purposes of discussion only.” Asked him “‘ What I should do if Council Number One killed the members of Council Number T He said that, ‘WO, OF vice versa ?”

** speaking purely as my Financial Councillor, he should recommend me to refuse to pay for their funerals.” Then, saying that ‘‘he could not waste all his time in chatting with me,’ he went back to his office in high humour. Friday.—I have had such a time of it! I convened the Forty- Four, and thought they would never leave me. They followed me all over the place, asking for ‘‘ backsheesh.” Got rid of them at last by telling them ‘‘ that Sir AucKLAND was my Financial Councillor, and would give them what they wanted.” Ten minutes later the dreaded ay ge rushed into my palace in a furious rage, and “‘ wanted to know what I meant by sending a pack of muffins to him?” Explained that they were not ‘‘ragamuffins, but Notables.” He said he hated practical jokes, and it was lucky for me that there was a dearth of crossing-sweepers in Cairo. It seems that Sir AucKLAND has got rid of the entire Egyptian Parliament by supplying them with brooms. Asked him ‘if he thought they should collect the alms of the Faithfal for their own benefit?” He replied, ‘Of course not,” and that, acting as my Financial Councillor, ‘‘ he had ordered them to pay in their earnings to <4 onic 4 purse.” Very pleased at this, and told Sir AuckLanp that I thought “‘ the Consti- tution not half bad.’? He said *‘ I would like it very much when I really understood it.” Parted excellent friends. Saturday.—Sent for Sir Auckianp, to tell him that the two Councils had killed one another, and that the Forty-Four Notables had refused to leave their crossings, saying that they preferred their resent employment to any other. Added that the Army, having load engaged by a perambulating circus manager to go a tour round the world, had consequently quitted Egypt. Sir AucKLAND con- gratulated me upon RE go | got rid of all my troubles;” and finally observed ‘‘ that he had told me that the Constitution would act beautifully when it had once got into really proper trim!”

PIGEON-ENGLISH. (By a Proletariat Supporter of British Sport.) Anperson? Oh, jigger Wy a bit o’ bustle, That pertikler Scot ! ith the Margit ’Arriers! Never touched a trigger, Would old Nap ’ave seen Never fired a shot. Sech bold British front, Give ’im cane and gingham, If it ’adn’t been Let ’im stick to twirling ’em, For the Eppin’ ’unt ? Leaving hus to wing ’em,— Sawnies ain’t no good, Stray Blue-Rocks from ’ Urling- Raisin’ their Scotch blether At a bit o’ blood, Or a broken feather. Bah! they’d make us mugs, Snivellers pale and pappy ; Then the old ’umbugs Doubtless would be ’appy. ’Ang the Rad rampagers, I’m for ’igh hauthority : I am with the Majors, Found in the minority. I am with the Swells; No, not little Ranpom ! Pooty tale he tells, Wot’s called madcap tan- am. Lor! it has bin fun, Real jam and good, Potterin’ with a gun Round some neighbourhood Where the Swells is at it ; Potting each stray bird. — Stop our game? Oh, drat it! Too right down absurd ! Cruel? All bow-wow! Birds must die ; death’s cruel. Wot’s it matter how They receives their gruel ? Tell yer this soft rot Wich hus Sportsman chivvies, Sends the race to pot, Makes us all old Mivvies. Sport ’s old England’s crown, Bless yer, the old bunting Soon would be pulled down If it weren’t for ’unting | Wot gives Britons muscle To chuck down all barriers ? m. Sneers at ’Arries. Yus! But there ain’t no blinking That the Nobs and hus Are one way o’ thinking. Wive ler Sport! I say. Take my tip, Lord Rusee, England ’s ’ad ’er day, If she follers Sanpy. 9 J

BOAT-RACE SKETCHES. By Dumb-Crambo Junior. A Stern Coach.

@@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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Cer 7 oe” ~ ai Sereno r ww ae

— Manca 24, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

—— = waipyse _ —m

NOTES FROM A WHISTLER. THE idea of printing a Catalogue full of adverse and satirical criticisms on his own works is not new. Mr. HotiinesHEaD began it a long time ago, and perhaps te idea did not originate with him; but he, we believe, was the first to develope it. Mr. WHIsTLER has

shut up for *‘ Jester James.” “No more CoucHs AND Coutps !’?—— Humane Attendant (log.). “ He’s got his feet in hot water, I7ll just if damp this sheet, and finish him that No. 34. : =t pre e burrows in paper-bags in foraging for lunch ; And cups of milk at stations, too, how eagerly he ’ll drain, With sighs of satisfaction, will the Baby in the Train | fit it up with cots and cribs and rocking bassinettes,

ey) Benches, bul a car to take such household pets! he crumples up my Punch ;

And lillabies and picture-books and bon-bons, cakes, and toys, To soothe the savage bosoms of these little girls and boys. O brim the cup with caudle high! Let Soothing Syrup flow! Let roasted mutton deck the board, and milky rice also! And let all Railway Companies immediately sustain A Separate Compartment for the Baby in the Train!

MOLLY-CODDLING LEGISLATION. THovueH the Session has been consumed up to Easter with ve little practical work, and more than the usual amount of Iris nagging, time has been found, in spite of Curtain-Lecture nights, and the irrepressible jawing powers of the great O'Caudle Party, to commence a piece of fussy- Togislation which is a disgrace to the country. No one will deny that one-third of our national income is drawn from national drunkenness; that we see no way to meet our ever-increasing, and probably immoral, expenditure by raising taxes in a less objectionable manner ; no one will deny that public- houses of all kinds are necessary creators of Revenue for a prodigal Exchequer, and yet public-houses are to be subjected to another outburst of hypocritical State virtue. It has long been illegal to play a piano in a tap-room—to mix the pure gin of commerce with the harmless adulteration of Art; it has long mn illegal to temper drunkenness with certain games of chance. The infamy of shove-halfpenny has long been as patent to the legislative eye as the beauty of unmitigated swilling. Another divine inspiration has descended upon the law-mongers. They have discovered that the habit of payin in public-houses is wrong, injurious, and ought to be made illegal, and they proceed to make it illegal to the best of their ability. If they had the courage to close all pothouses, and to arrange their expenditure so as to live without the aid of drink and drinkers, it would be possible to admire their consistency, even with the knowledge that a great inconvenience was being inflicted upon the public. But these pettifogging attacks upon a class of elieuen who appear absolutely necessary to the State, can bring neither honour nor profit to any Government.

Jopeme by the profusion of Mr. LEapEr’s—the new Lessee of od —_ Theatre—Adyvyertisements, he is certainly not Lieder ohne Warte.

Rrieut is Might, and Wrong is Dyna-mite.

VOL, LXXXIv. =

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL cael [Maron 24, 1883, OR, THE FRIGHTFUL DEMON, THE FALSE WARDER, AND THE FAITHFUL CHAMPION. A RoMANCE OF THE ForEstT. —— ——__—— ScenE—LEpping Forest, in the Vicinity_of High Beech. Enter CatrpasH. Calipash (striking an attitude), I am the guardian of these sylvan es, These velvet sward-sweeps, and these verdant glades, Oh, rather! Did not I announce last Autumn That I in perpetuity had bought ’em, Secured them for the Peoprze? I’m the man To play the pleasant part of Modern Pan. Let trespassers bewar-r-re! Hollo! Who’s this? & NS AR SAM ORS \\ =~ Enter Steam Demon, flourishing wildly. Steam Peae nes! , Sauiggle! Squeal! Puff! Puff! Roar! iss ! ttle Calipash. Indeed! Your voice is really very pleasant, ut I don’t understand you quite—at present. Steam Demon. I want free passage through these woods ! ‘ Calipash (mincingly). Proh pudor: y duty ’s to be down on each intruder. Steam Demon. I’m no intruder, I’m a boon-bestower, Friend of the proletariat Forest-goer. I’ve only thirteen Stations ; want another.

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“Manon 24, 1883.] rr ey ah | GAS Ole RAY oes Nt) —— i PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. My \ | | | Keeaetny rh Y b i | aT hint )| ii ( i Mh i atl a Ww YX Ss iy WQIRSSSSSSSS A PROMISING SON-IN-LAW. Eldest Daughter (just out). ‘*'Ma, I THINK Mr. WIGGINS Is GOING TO ProposE! ’'T LEAST HE ASKED ME IF I WASN'T TIRED OF LIVING IN 8UCH A MENAGERIE AS WE’VE GOT HERE! !” I’ll make it worth your while. ( Winks.) Calipash (effusively). My friend! My brother! ut how about your—well, communications ? Steam Demon. 1’1l make them just like ‘‘ gentle undulations.” Ask CHAMBERS, he’s a regular Cockney dryad. Calipash. Well, many have misgivings ; even./ had ntil you came and squared ’em so completely. FOR ROYAL MUSICAL COLLEGIANS. Let the College buildings havea large central triangle, and round this let the Students’ rooms be arranged in five flats. Economy being the order of the day, washing might be done on the premises and hung out to dry on a suspended chord ortwo. With a view to cheerful en- tertainment, a kettledrum might always be kept on the boil for five o'clock tea ; —— it ought to be understood, that while social crherinigs should be fostered, no female candidate for the Violin cholarship should be allowed to have more than two strings to her bow atatime. Finally, debt ought to be discouraged—even to the extent of allowing the matriculation of Oweboys. 0 as you like. 7 Steam Demon (chuckling). We’ve settled it most sweetly. Enter Brycets, Woodnymphs, Fauns, &c. Bryceis. Oh, have you? Stopabit. I know you, Demon. A boon? We’ll have two words that pleasant theme on. Fine fellow you to talk about improvement ! Can’t let you practise your ‘* extension movement.” You mend the Forest? Ogre, I’ll ‘‘amend” you! Take that, and that! F Buffets him with ** Amendment.” Steam Demon. Help, CatrpasxH ! ! | THE JOLLY YOUNG RIFLEMAN. (A ROUNDELAY FOR RANELAGH.) Atr— The Jolly Young Waterman.’”’ ipash king it). ( funking it) Day - ever hear tell of a jolly young Rifleman, hat help I can, but—— Bryceis. Traitor ! I’ll lend you You’re a beauty o as Adonis his charms used to try ? To pose as Forest-Warder. Do your duty, Or clear out, with the Cacodemon yonder ! i. re I—oh, I love the People,—no one fonder, —— —_—_ ed a a pleasant talker, ou e meant the People’s good. Chorus of Nymphs and Fauns. O, Walker!!! Bryceis. The mighty name these forest-folk invoke Is most suggestive. Fauns ( fortissimo). Walk your chalks, old bloke ! [Brycers, Nymphs, Fauns, be., unite to drive CaLtPpasH and Steam Demon off. They retire grunting and shrieking. Chorus of Nymphs and Fauns ( Air obvious). Brrcris, a jolly good fe-el-low, With a hip, hip, hip, hooray! Has made the Steam Demon ye-el- | The Forest has gained the day, low; And old Carr1pasu has been sent to And slope with a shriek and a be-el- ow, To the joy of all of us. smash, Hooray! Hooray!! Hooray!!! [Scene closes in. He curled his side-locks with such skill and dexterity, Winning each heart and enchanting each eye. He stood so straight, he marched so steadily, The Volunteers came at his call so readily, And he pranced at their head with so princely an air, That he had the good word of the Brave and the Fair. This Rifleman young never seemed to grow older, So trim was his mien, and so chirpy withal ; He was always A 1 to each beauteous beholder, And youths mustered proudly at Ranztacu’s call. And though some folk might be chaffing or jeering, ’T was all one to him their flouting and fleering, For how should our Rifleman ever know eare, f While he wins the good word of the Brave and the Fair? ApvVIce TO THE PosTMASTER-GENERAL (on his proposed new Irish Mail Service scheme).—Don’t Force it.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a [Maron 24, 1883, A GOOD ‘‘ IMPULSE.” Iupvisz is a stupid name; but the play written on Impulse is good, and the acting leaves little to be desired. Mr. C. SrzPHENSON took an unsuccessful French piece, and thereupon founded a fairl strong English play. The five Acts are so constructed that, thoug the audience is perfectly certain how the piece must end, the means whereby the happy dénoiment is to be brought about being adroitly kept secret, curiosity is never once allo to flag. é The dialogue is not brilliant, but to the purpose. There is no waste of words; and, with one glaring exception, in the First Act, every speech is perfectly consistent with the character who utters it. The exception mentioned is, when the haw-haw Swell, Captain Crichton, describes the accident which has happened to Sir Hen oT ty Mt ten, oak played by Mr. AL, thoug’ showing here and there a tendency to over accentuate | Oe ae 8 a ical Eng’ * ag He og straightfor- ward, honest, sharp on occasion, good that is when his slow wits are sort of bird, don’t you know.’— Stimulated by the woman to whom Mr. Kendal, in Act IV. he is chi usly devoted, but x wearers, and incapable of uttering the sentimental description which characterises the speech in question. Beyond this, and the fact that the old Father, Sir Henry Auck- land, is a bore,—as old fathers on the Stage almost always are, unless they are ridiculous,—and that the character is played in too mincing and namby-pamby a style by its representative Mr. Beaumont, who ought to have his back air cut as quickly as possible, there is abso- lutely no fault to be found with the piece—if we allow the initial improbability of the father, sister, and friend having kept from Mrs. Macdonald the truth about her husband, who is on duty with his regiment in India, having wounded in the arm; a wound that prevents his writing a letter to her, yet which is so slight that he is able to return suddenly, ready to take his wife to both arms, including the dam one, which is not even inasling. Grant this, and the piece is ponpenelinge faultless till the finish, when the sudden collapse of the determined villain, the would-be seducer, Victor de Riel, at the request—for the appeal to him is scarcely more than this—of Mrs. Beresford, who has never had the slightest influence over him till this minute (when of course it’s getting late, wart the sharper comes the better), is weak and unsatis- factory. How it might have been ended, how Victor de Riel might have been hipaa of without resort to melodramatic action, must have been a puzzle to Author and manage- ment. Don’t tel us that that scoun- drel, Victor de Riel— cleverly played by Mr. Arntaur Dacre, who takes rather a one-sided view of the character,—his angle of inclination being invariably however to the right,—don’t tell us, We say, man, growing rapidl grey in villany, an more and more crab- like—we mean jutting > more and more ‘‘side on—as his passion is ' intensified, on being discovered with the woman whom he has A Rielistic Scene in Act V., when Mrs. Beresford pursued with an un- requests the Lop-sided One to go straight quenchable ion for for the future, years, could be sud- : enly abashed, cowed, and converted from the error of; his way, by 2 goody-goody appeal to his better nature from somebody about whom he doesn’t care a brass farthing. Absurd. Up with the Curtain, and give us Act VI., when he id return more lop-sided than ever, and be ultimately collared by two kee and conducted to the nearest lunatic asylum. Or he might have been a French “‘ Pre- “The Parrot’s a doosid that this} d tender,” or a Russian Nihilist, to be captured at last by the Czar’s secret police, when he could take poison, or ae om the balcony of the hotel, and his funeral be Cm ae in the bill to the account of that old idiot Sir Henry Auckland. Mrs. Gaston Murray, as a kind of Miss Yellowleaf, a Pauline Pry losing her voice from cold, and trying to talk to a partially- leaf man, is immensely funny—and not in the least overdone. This situation between Mr. Beaumont, Mrs. Gaston Murray, and Mrs, KENDAL, as interpreter, is one of the best of the lighter scenes in the piece, and is excellent na’ Comedy. _ Miss Luxpa Dretz, as the hopelessly weak, ill-dressed, and most irritating idiot of a woman, Mrs. Macdonald, ‘‘invested the character with artistic merit,” and created for it an interest, and even a sympathy which the character itself would fail to arouse, if it appeared only in the pages of a three-volume novel. A sickly motiveless heroine, who has absolutely done — except indulge in a flirtation which appears to have been only desperate on the man’s side, and who trembles at the prospect of meeting her husband as much as if she ep ay all the pay og en bloc, can only evoke from any right-thinking man or sensible woman a very plain expres- sion of opinion, which would probably take this form, My dear don’t be sueh a stupid fool.” It is difficult to. make anything of such a character, but Miss Dretz makes the most of it, 80 far it is an artistic triumph for her. Mrs. Kgnpat is as good as she can be as Mrs. Beresford, but there is not much sepettanity for emotional display. Her acting is never strained, an she makes the charac- ter serve its p as a part of a whole,— never once forcing herself upon the au- dience. There is one call upon her energy in the last Act, when she a to De Riel, and it is not her fault that this little bit of Sunday School- teacher’s lecturing is unna and out of ye but, being so, er rendering makes it. as na and as consistent as it pos- sat can be. > e part o e iece is, of course, Mr. ENDAL’S ‘ Admirable : Crichton,’ which might have grown into a Dundreary, had the interest of the story been sacrificed to the idiosyncrasies of this character. His playing in the Second Act, where he is as delighted as a boy with his own sharpness, and is so utterly nonplussed when he has come literally to his wits’ end—which is not far to go—iss performance which SorHern hi , or Rosson in A r Fiz, could not have beaten; and, if he keeps it at that, and does not repeat the catch-word of “* You are—you know you are”’ too often, it will never degenerate into the broad farce of a low comedian’s Tony Lumpkin, ie will remain a sort of Vanity Fair caricature of a type of our time, and a ormance on which hereafter the artist himself will be able to look back with pleasurable pride as a land- mark in his histrionic career. - Mr. T. N. Wzenman’s Colonel Macdonald is very good, though, for a hard self-controlled man, he is somewhat too demonstrative, not in the scene in De Riel’s room, where nothing could be better than his sudden passion, but we mean in the scene with that poor ummy, Sir Henry, who might as well be a broken-down Guy Fawkes in a chi -corner a fatiguing round of the streets on the fifth of November. Why should Colonel Macdonald strike his forehead, and appeal to Heaven? Wasted force. We hope that when a new piece is required, the Management will get a Impulse, and go on better than ever. _ On Thursday last, Zhe Silver King reached its one-hundredth night, and Mr. Wrtson Barrett, in an affecting s , told us how pl he was, how pleased everybody all over the world was, and ow grateful we ought all to be to himself and the Authors, Messrs. Jowzs and Herman, as a trio of moral teachers and public bene- factors. He gave an estimate, ata rough and ready calculation, of how many people would be undergoing improvement on any one given night when this piece was being played in Europe, Africa, and America, and gave us all to understand that his aim object was to elevate M into the region of romance postry, which the Silver King so far achieves by giving us some oe id pee a first-rate ey eh ae ( me comet in some rather wearisome speeches for the princi ormer, Wed Denver, te utter whenever there is ashies particular te de. How IT OUGHT TO HAVE ENDED. Foreign Hotel Servant removes his wig, ex- claiming, “Aha! I am the Russian Detective Hankuff Takimoff, and you are the notorious Nihilist Bloem Uptotheski!”’ They shoot each other. Curtain.

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eRe Tee eee PMNS ae Maron 24, 1833.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 137 Hooray for Romance, Poetry, and a Reality of a hundred pounds profit per night! Well goin for Romance on these terms. Mr. Bar~- RETT, in the First Act, as the drunken man, is excellent. Mr. GzorcE BaRkETT is inimitable as the doddering old Butler, Jaikes, and the audience heartily recognise the fact that there isn’t a better villain in all London than Mr. Writarp, whose performance of the Spider ~ The Silver King, the Princess’s, and the Hundred Knights. isadmirable. By the way, wasn’t it in Jonathan Bradford that the intending murderer finds himself in the same room with the corpse of the man whom he came to kill,—the same idea having occurred to some one else previously and been acted upon ? We are curious to see how Mr. RosE has managed to dramatise Mr. AustEy’s eccentric story, Vice Versa. If everybody feels the same curiosity on the subject as we do, the Gaiety Theatre, on the occasion of Mr. W. H. Guirrrrn’s matinée, when Vice Versa is to be played, will be pretty closely packed. We don’t see how it can be done, because, when one person has to become another person while that other person takes the other person’s place, and yet is still before you unchanged, the situation is apt to become a little — We hope to be present at the successful solution of the problem. “THE SILVER THAMES.” Ovr Own Commissioner was seized with so severe a bilious attack immediately after the conclusion of Mr. BosHEr’s evidence, (reported in our number dated February 10), that he was unable to continue his duties until last week. He then resumed his arduous labours. WITNESS No, III.—TOM TUG. Our Own Commissioner. Well, Mr. Tue, what do you know about the state of the River ? T. T. Why, that it’s something so disgusting as nobody would believe as hadn’t seen it and smelt it. Our Own C. Indeed! That’s rather strong language, Mr. Tue. T. T. Well, Sir, I can hardly expect you to believe me when I says that even us Watermen can hardly stand it. But, if you’ve any doubt about it, I’ll willingly row you about for an-hour or two just in the worst parts, and then you’ll be able to judge for yourself, — Our Own C. (hurriedly). No, thank you. Now I understand that you are employed in some way by the Corporation in their patriotic inquiry. hat have you to do? I. T. Well, you see, Sir, the Corporation—bless their liberal souls!—wanted to find out how far the sewage that the Board of Works pours into the river at Crossness and Barking, flowed up the river with the tide. So they had a lot of floats made, that was put into the river where the sewage was pumped into it, and it was my duty to be ready in my boat, and row quietly along by the side of one of the floats just to see how far the tide would carry it. Our Own C. Not a very laborious duty, Mr. Tue. T. T. No, Sir, not particular so; but sometimes it did get that monotonous that I would willingly have exchanged for an hour or two’s hard spell agin a flood tide. Our Own C. I can easily believe that, especially in clear water. And what was the result of your interesting experiments ? T. T. Why, that on many and many a time the floats went up to Chelsea, and, on one occasion, with a good swinging tide, one of them Went up as high as Chiswick. Our Own C. Up to-Chiswick! You really astonish me. But what does that prove? x bets that all the mess that is:so carefully taken down to Crossness and poured into the river, and thought to be got rid of, is all brought back again, and carried backwards and forwards with the tide, till it makes our noble river like a great cesspool. Our Own C. I hope the Corporation ou handsomely for your disagreeable work ? e _ _s Atha T. T. Why, yes, Sir; I ain’t got no cause to complain. But if your Honour would just stand a—— Our Own C. (with dignity). You may retire. [Exit Tom Tue. No. IV.—CAPTAIN M‘STINGER, _ Our o- Commissioner. Well, Captain, what evidence can you give me : Captain M‘Stinger. Rather startling, Sir, I think. You'd scarcely believe it possible, but it’s a weel established fact that the filthy sewage is gradually silting up the river. Our Own C. Surely, Captain, you can’t be serious ? Capt. M. Serious! (Amnnoyed.) Look here, I can’t bring up ay splendid steamer with a except upon the varra top of the tide ; if you will give me the P easure of your a to-morrow, I will take you to places on the banks of the river where you can stand in nearly four feet of pure sewage-mud. [Steam up, and exit. No. V.—MR. ROBERT. Our Own Commissioner, Well, Mr. Ropzrt, and what have you to tell me on this sad subject ? t. Well, Sir, I thinks as mine is the most seriousest ewidence of all as you’ve heard. Our Own C. If 80, it must be serious indeed. ~~ R. I leaves you to judge for yerself, Sir, when I tells you that the river is that that we can’t get no Wite Bait nearer than Gravesend, and preshus little even there! r Own C. Dear me, that is something terrible indeed ! R. Yes; and even there they ’re gitting scarcerer and scarcerer. Our Own C. Indeed! Then how do you manage? - an — does as the Millishyer used todo. We has to find a sub- stitoot. 2 ctrungling wih hee festa) te psapente | . (struggling 18 feelings). [Faints, and is coal out to t woe Refreshment-Bar. Commission closed pro tem. ** RicHarpson’s” Revivep—not the famous Show, but quite autre chose, the Works of Richarpson the Novelist, which are now being re-published by Messrs. SorHERAN & Co. in a most readable form. Our Novel Reader had often heard of Pamela, but never dared to attempt reading it until he came across the new Edition with Mr. Lestiz SrePHENs’s interesting Preface, and then—he couldn’t put the book down, but went bang through it, as if it had been so many paper-hoops and he a bare-backed-s rider, at a single sitting, from 10 P.M. to 3 a.M., the only variation in the exercise being skip- ping the last half of the Second Volume, which, as the story meally ends with Pamela’s marriage, might have been altogether omitted, since the reader would have been perfectly satisfied with the Author’s assurance that his hero (such a hero! !) and heroine (also, what a heroine !!) lived happy ever afterwards. Clarissa Harlowe has now appeared, and our Novel Reader is in training for the task. = PROSPECTS OF THE BRIGHTON REVIEW. (By Dums-CramBo JUNIOR.) The Troops are allowed to use Barns and Lofts for Sleep. each Column. A Water-cart will accompany How goes “The Enemy?’’ Push him back!

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DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.—THE PAINTER AGAIN. Lord Isidor. **Ir’s—A—JUST A LITTLE INCIDENT IN MopERN Lirk, Ducness! A Youna Lapy, YOU KNOW, WALKING INTO A PaInrEr’s SruDI0, AND DUMBSTRUCK AT THE SIGHT OF THE LAY FiaurE!” The Duchess, **CuaRMinac! CaARMING! So NATURAL! AND TELL vs, Lorp IstpoR, WHICH OF THE TWO IS THE LAY FiaurE, Now?” AN EASTER REVIEW. Revrew! O lords of Chaos and Old Night, | ’Tis a Review that ye might well take part in, Set rocks and clouds and thunderbolts at fight In the wild regions limned by grandiose Martin. Let Titans play at loggats with smashed stars, Cloud Anarchs change mad buffets wild and windy, And then review the mist-veiled shocks and j ars Of realms of everlasting Smash-cum-Shindy ! What is there to review? Loud Nothingness, Mere blustering, flustering, floundering, crass Negation. Fighting ? So clowns, so urchins fight, with less esire for conquest than for aggravation. Yah-booh-dom itn excelsis, round-armed blows That forceless fall, below the belt, but harmless, Bellicose posing that is nought but pose, Clamorous war-cries, terrorless as charmless. A fight where all, save spite, is sham indeed, Purposeless as poor Patch with his pea-bladder. How long, my Joun, shall squabbling boys succeed In squandering public time, in making madder An all too quickly maddened veteran, When fight they cannot, fouling and so foiling, Deft at upsetting, if they cannot plan, And though ey to shape, most po at spoiling ? You’re fooled by fribbles, Joun. The nation’s time Is given to railin g and Thersites junior ; Scaramouch blocks your boards ; he’s not sublime, No Tappertit of politics more puny or Presumptuously perverse. Puck has your ear And mocks the hours away, hours unreturning ; Caliban’s self exults in brutal jeers, Whose echoes set the ears of good men burning. Beotian Stentor, crass, stultiloquent, The stumbling-block of business, bars all exit From the absurd impasse. -Are-you content ? Is patience proof ’gainst all assaults that vex it, Whether of mimes or midges? The Review Is hollower than some pageant of old Drury. Smoke, smoke, mere buncombe, and wild hullaballoo, And “ like an idiot’s tale, all sound and fury, And signifying—nothing!”’ Wake up, Joun ! How long shall this preposterous farce go on ? A LORD MAYOR’S NEST. Tue suggestion that the Duke of WEsTmInsTER should be the first Lord Mayor of London under the ae Act, has given so much satisfaction that it is more than probable that the other Offices of the Corporation will be filled by the following individuals :— Chaplain to the Lord my pt Archbishop of CanTERBURY. Sword Bearer—General Lord Wotsgxer of Cairo. Common Crier—The Speaker of the House of Commons, City Marshal—F¥ .-M. H.R.H. the Duke of CamBriper. Collector of Wine Duties—Sir WILFRID Lawson. Solicitor—The ATTORNEY-GENERAL. Clerk to Sitting Justices (Guildhall)—Lord CoLERmer. Principal Clerk to the Chamberlain—Lord CaRRINGTON. Registrar Smali Debts Court—The Master oF THE ROLLS. Recorder—The Lorp CHANCELLOR. Auditor of City Accounts—The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER. Architect and Surveyor—Sir Freperick Lerenton, P.R.A. Keeper of the Guildhall—H.8.H. the Duke of Tzcx. Itbrarian—The Earl of Lytron. Registrar of the Coal Market—The Duke of NorFotx. Custodian of the Griffin (Temple Bar)—Sir Courts LinpsayY. Remembrancer (to keep all in order)—Mr. Ponca.

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Marcu 24, 1883. Lill | A yp Wily ~ é ' , MILE tj Zt ae ja AN EASTER REVIEW. Master Jounny Bott (a practica? kittle boy). ‘‘IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, WHAT DOES THE CONTEST MEAN, UP TO NOW?” F.-M. Purcu. “SMOKE, MY LAD—ALL SMOKE!!”

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Marcu 24, 1883.] .PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL SS £BN “IT’S AN ILL WIND,” &c. (MARCH, 1883.) “GLAD WE'VE GOT SOME NICE SEASONABLE WEATHER’’—(sleety breezes from the PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND MY NosE now!” £.N.£.)—‘' aT Last ! THE BRITISH M.P. A SONG OF 8ST. STEPHEN'S. Arn—“ The Village Blacksmith.” Unver St. Stephen’s high roof-tree The British M.P. sits : M.P. a mighty man is he, With sharp and seasoned wits, And an eloquence that, once set free, Would give opponents fits. Week in, week out, from noon to night, He must sit in silent woe Whilst Wanton vents his dullard spite, With measured boom and slow, Or Sexton soars in furious flight When the morning lights burn low. And someone ever plays the fool, And someone else the bore ; They love to cheek with rudeness cool, To howl with caddish roar. For churlish Folly has set its school Up on St. Stephen’s floor. He goes, poor victim, to his seat, And sits in painful coe : He hears Obstruction bray and bleat, He hears tart Braear’s voice Sounding with saw-like shriek and fleet, Which his every nerve annoys. It sounds to him like Cerberus Yelping at Charon’s boat ; He needs must think ‘‘ This fiendish fuss Postpones a Party vote.” And he finds it fan | to choke the ‘‘ cuss” That rises in his throat. Boiling and bored, no fight, no fun, Onward the M.P. goes. Each day sees aimless jaw begun, No night beholds its close. Little attempted, nothing done— No work and no repose ! Tae Most UnpopuLaR MEMBER OF THE PARLIAMEN- TARY ARMY.—Private Bill. THE MAKING OF A MAGAZINE. Dear Mz. Puncu,—As Editor of the Review with which I have the honour to be connected, I wish to reveal to the world ‘‘the method by which one of its monthly numbers is manufactured.” I have no hesita- tion whatever in placing before the whole cultivated world the secret of the management of a ‘‘ High-Class Philosophical Magazine.” Various principles lie at the bottom of my editorial system. In the first place, you will perceive that my Review is nothing it it is not ‘‘ High-Class.” How, I ask you, can I better preserve this characteristic than by getting high-class personages—or, in other words, members of the aristocracy—to write in it? In fact, to put it plainly, a Magazine of any pretensions to philosophical excellence geeky possible, contain at least one article written bya Lord. If a Duke is willing, and 1 may add able, to write a passable paper, so much the better. Of course a nobleman of real literary or political eminence should be selected; but, failing such, anybody with a “handle to his name’’ (to use a vulgar expression) willdo. This is the element of Rank, which is indispensable. _ Then the next principle in the manufacture is to obtain somebody to write about something on which he, or she, knows more than a” body else living. This is the element of Special Knowledge. It does not matter two straws what the subject may be. For instance, if a person has given the whole of his mind to the cultivation of a particular sort of turnip, or has embarked his entire intellectual capital in the effort to prove the identity of the writer of some (probably spurious) poetry with some other person who probably hever existed at or if he has been buried in the Dead-Letter Office all his days, and can write a few pages of arrant ‘‘ Shop” about defunct epistles—such an individual should, at all costs, be secured. He is sure to say something which is new, however unin- and unimportant, and cannot possibly be contradicted, use in his own line he is the highest living authority. So much ent of Special Knowledge. t, and least important, element needed, is Literary Ability and Philosophical Profundity. It is well, now and then, to have an article which, besides being written by somebody whose name is known, does really contain in it something which the competent critic can conscientiously commend. But, should the writer be un- known, the extremest caution should be in admitting his con- tribution, whatever may be its excellence. You must try and make each particular paper, by reason of the eminence of the writer, an advertisement of the whole Magazine. So, if by any chance you do insert the outpourings of an unrecognised genius, make his article anonymous! This adds the element of mystery. It may only be poor old Professor Fitz-Boop x, of Stoke-Pogis University ; but, if no name is mentioned, rumour will ascribe the article, supposing it to be judiciously sandwiched between an obscure nobleman and an eminent specialist, to the Marquis of SaLisbury, or Mr. GLapstonE, or Professor Huxtry. Thus the end is obtained, and with the additional advantage of saving we C bos Just toshow you the way in which these principles are worked, I send you a list of the articles in the forthcoming number of our Review, for April, 1883, and hope you will now consider your questions as to the methods of Magazine-making satisfactorily answered :— ** On the Differentiation of Protozoads.”” By the Right Hon. the Lord Temas Noppy. ’ eed ** The Defects of Dynamite as an Engine of Assassination.” By the late Herr OBERDANK. ‘ ‘*On the present position of the Skeleton Army.” By his Grace the Archbishop of the Canary IsLawnps. ee ‘* The Limits of Belief: with an Excursus on the Diet in our Con- vict Prisons.” By the ex-Editor of The Freethinker. ‘* London Municipal Reform.” By his Grace the Duke of Wzst- ey K.G. : . ‘Ought the Action for Breach of Promise to be abolished ?” A bong xo Interlocutors, JosepH Biecar, Esq., M.P., Fanny Hyzanp, and the Lord Chief Justice of England. Truthfully yours, Tux Eprroz or ‘‘ Tue NTEMPORARY CzentvurrY.”

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142 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 24, 1883, STAVE FOR EASTER MONDAY. Arn—“ The British Grenadiers.”’ Somz prate of WaAGNER’s chorus, And some on KrF are poz, With RusrinstErn some bore us, And some with Brrtroz. But there’s very little music now Joun Butt so gladly hears Asthetow-row-row-row-tow- row! Of the British Volunteers ! A Diz-tinction. Some youthful Conserva- tive enthusiasts are fond of comparing Lord RaNnDOoLPH CHURCHILL to the young Disrakxr. But although the chartered libertine of debate, it does not appear that the noble Lord, however feather- headed, is otherwise Dizzy- pated. A Nursery Rhyme. (Anderson's Revised Edition.) Basy, baby Bunting, Father ’s gone a-hunting. Prison-van upon the spin To clap a father hunting in. A GENTLEMAN with a bad cold ‘‘id his ed,” wishing to describe the appearance of the Charterhouse Brethren, ob- served that, like Colonel New- adsum men.” come, they were all “‘ very 5 = \ii Ne — \ +f = =e h : — —f =) By OrnpER oF THE CLERK OF THE WEATHER.—In con- sequence of the continued pre- sence of the prevailing wind, the qunng, season will known as North-Easter. PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. —_—_ — = \ A= J SAWN Te. FERS wy —S~ MN VISCOUNT RANELAGH AND BARON JONES. Tae Victorious VOLUNTEER. THREEFOLD SECURITY. “They were willing to accept loans on a three-fold security, viz., first, revenue; second, pro- perty purchased ; third, charitable emotion; so that if people put their money into the Salvation Army, and lost it, they would have at least the satisfaction of the latter.’’ Mr. Boot at Exeter Hall. Ou, if I lose my propertee, Like rain-drops in the ocean, Then what a comfort is to me This ‘‘ charitable emotion ” ! I may not see my Five per cent., But then—delightful no- tion !— I’m more than happy and content With “charitable emotion’! 128. A Dost From Morrson.— In one of the latest additions to the generally useful and interesting series of English Men of Letters, edited by Mr. JoHn Mortey, and published by Macmrizan, Mr. J. Cor- TER Mokgison, in what appears to us an unfairly prejudiced biographical notice of Lord MacavLay, says—and on this occasion says truly—that in his History he was ‘‘ neither a Whig nor a Tory, but a Williamite.” In this Glad- stonian era there are eg | of Williamites about, but they are William-mites, and not ulays. THe Port LAvREATE AP- PLIED (Epitaph for Prince Gortschakoff).—"* A man and a fooler of men.” \ Pe Yi } balla ‘*SHarts oF MISFORTUNE.” —The Ventilating Shafts. THE MODEST SPREAD-EAGLE. [The art of Fiction,” says Mr. Howeuuxs, an American novelist, ‘‘ has in fact become a finer art in our day than it was with Dickens and THack- BRAY;’’ and another American says they cannot understand “the English dialect.” Hank! The gallant Yankee Eagle screams across Atlantic seas, Sneering at our Old World fiction. Look, it cries at works like these ! What are Toackeray and Dickens P—worn-out, miserable names. For good novels go to HowE.ts and our wondrous Henry JaMEs. Fiction is an art far finer in the hands of our great men, Than in days when vulgar Dickens held the swiftly-flying pen ; Does not blatant Bartley Hubbard from a Pickwick bear the bell, And unmaidenly Miss Daisy Miller banish Little Nell ? THACKERAY ’s a played-out writer, not a man of any mind; Go and read our Helen’s Babies for a humour more refined: Scarce a gentleman was Esmond, though you brag of him a bit ; In Democracy’s fair pages you will find the “‘ real grit.” Then we use much better English—not your wretched dialect ; All our heroines are “* stylish,” that ’s a word we much affect ; You may stick to SHAKSPEARE’S language, ’tis improved by us, for we alk the genuine ‘‘ Amur’can” as we write it, ‘* Yes, Sir-ree!” Ma’am Brirannta, you’re beaten, and it is in vain you plead, Pleaeant English tales by Troxtopx, or the vigour of CHARLES DE: We write all the spryest novels, all the greatest works, you bet ; We have sworn to Ship creation, and be sure we ’ll do it yet! THE INDUSTRIOUS AND IDLE WARRIORS. (A Story told, in Six Pictures, to the Marines.) Pictur I.—Entering the Army.—Here we have the two young men making their first start in life. They have both received com- missions. Rosin Stoweo the Industrious has prepared himself by a long and careful course of study for the profession he is about to embrace. He has passed any number of examinations, and his extreme pallor has been caused by excessive study. EDWARD ScaTreRcasH the Idle, assisted by his father’s gold-bags, has crept to the Line from the Militia with the help of a cram. The two oung men exchange congratulations. Robin cannot help envying Romane good fortune as he points out that he has been gazetted to a crack Regiment of Rifles. Epwanrp, on the other hand, expresses his Be athy at his friend’s bad fortaune—Rosrn has been appointed to the Marines. Picture IIl.—Work and Play.—Here we see Rosrn the Indus- trious devoting his best energies to a score of arduous duties. He has spent the earliest part of his professional life in garrison, on ship, as a soldier, a sailor, and sometimes even as a civilian. He has been always at work. KEpwanp Scatrercass the Idle has had very little todo. He has enjoyed long furloughs and ae leaves, with the assistance of his gun, , and hunter. He has scarcely ever been in uniform, and half the men in his compet hardly know him ed sight. It is needless to say that Epwarp sti belongs to the crack Regiment of the Line, while Rosin remains 0 the Marines. dint of hard work and unpre- Picrvns III.— Advancement.—B cedented luck, Rosin has caren. | his Company. He has grown

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Marco 24, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI.

quite grey in the Service, and he is as old as and more experien: nm some young Generals. He has never left his Regiment, keeping either at headquarters, or being detailed for detachment duty. Epwarp the Tile has had altogether a pleasant time of it. Having exchanged into the Cavalry on oe, he has been seconded for service as an Adjutant of Yeomanry. The chief duties of this appointment has consisted in dining with the Colonel (the Swell of the County) half- a-dozen times a year, and turning out for six days in the Autumn to perform the usual training. As Rosin becomes a Captain, Epwarp receives a ey at and a Brevet-Lieutenant Colonelcy. The latter has all the prizes of the profession at his feet, while the former— remains in the Marines. PicrurE 1V.—After the Battle—A war has broken out, and the two young men have been sent to the front. Rosin is lost in the obscurity of his battalion. He fights bravely, and shows great power of organisa- tion, but completely escapes recognition. Epwarp the Idle is attached as an extra Aide-de-Camp to the best Advertising General of the day. Consequently, he is “‘well taken care of.”? His name appears constantly in despatches, and at the end of the war his breast is covered with decorations. He receives promotion and £500 for carrying home despatches, telling how the Advertising General has beaten the worst army in the world with the assistance of the best. As this startling eaeigence has already been conveyed to the Sovereign by telegraph, the reward is not quite in proportion with the service rendered. However, scruplesof conscience do not trouble Epwarp very much as he marches down Pall-Mall to a snug little berth that has been made for him at the War-Office. As for Rosin, he returns to his drudgery with the Marines. Picture V.— Middle Life.—The two Soldiers have now served for many years. Rosin the Industrious has married a wife as poor as himself, and with his miserable pay has found it difficult to keep the wolf from the door, much less defray the expense of children’s schooling. He has at length risen to field rank, and is entitled to spurs and a brass scabbard. Epwanrp the Idle has come in for all sorts of good things. He has always been on the Staff, and, as Military eg 7 to a Viceroy, has wedded an heiress with a title. His new family connections have been most advantageous to him in furthering his interests in his profession. When he is scarcely forty he has become a General and a K.C.B. However, in spite of his grandeur he still experiences a friendly feeling for Ropin when he sees the name of his old associate included in the list of the Marines. Picture VI., anv Last.— The Reward of Idleness and Industry.—Here we have the exterior of St. James’s Palace on a Levée day. A mass of brilliant uniforms are seen in the background. Room is being made for the carriage of Lord ScatrercasH, who wears a Field- Marshal's uniform covered with decorations. His Lord- ship has sauntered through life taking all the plums of the profession that have been offered to him, with lazy indifference. He is seen talking to a white-headed old officer wearing the faded uniform of a Lieutenant- Colonel. ‘*‘ Yes, SLoweo, my man,’ he is saying, with lofty condescension. ‘‘ With my interest I ought to have been able to ne you. I ought to have been able to have got ber a berth over and over again. But you see I couldn’t, my dear fellow—you had to stick to your Regiment and field rank. Your advancement was barred by your position.” ‘* Yes, I know, my Lord,” replies the broken-down, poverty-stricken old officer, with a sigh, ‘‘ I belonged to the Marines !”

A Question of Wind. Sueer strength, steady science once more see behind! But “‘a bit of a breeze” might have altered the test. Poor ower, Ee hopes in a rousing East wind, But Oxford faith in a West!

Bieean’s ‘‘ AppEat.”—"‘ Once more unto the breach, dear friends! Once more!” This quotation is from EARE’S Henry the Fifth, not from the Brecar’s Opera, from which the gallant MP. might sing ‘‘ How happy shall I be with neither!” But he appealed vain, _———

| aan Ni AN \ \ AN \\S \) ) ) NN] \\ in a‘ =A aN

RSSe s ss Ss —— =< == = = *“*SURELY you ’VE NoT WasHED THIS MoRNING, Tommy?” ‘*No, Mamma! I was In BED 80 LATE LAST NIGHT THAT | DIDN'T THINK I REQUIRED 1T!"

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday ~y March 12.— Interesting debate on proposal of Great Eastern Railwa pany to extend line to High Beech. Great array of vindicators of coven rights. ‘‘ House been sold once about blowholes on the Embankment, not to be taken in again,” says Mr. PuLEston. General state of virtuous indignation hostile to all railway projects. Curious effect among the Aldermen. Alderman Lawrence for Bill, Alderman FowLEr against, derman Sir ANDREW Lusk plaintively urges claims of his Consti- tuents. They are, it seems, all “‘married men with wives and families ;” pn paeraongnias not altogether unprecedented when men are married,’”’ Mr. IRTH says. _ “They want to go to High Beech by rail,” Sir ANDREW says, with tears in his eyes. Apparently this the sole object of their lives. Sympathetic portion of House pictures to itself the father of the family sitting disconsolate, his wife in chronic state of tearfulness, children wasting away. A whole family— married man, wife, and children—pining for opportunity to go to High Beech by Great Eastern Railway ! ““My Constituents,” Sir ANDREW whined, ‘‘ want to pet there, and the House seems inclined to say, ‘No; we won’t let you get there.’ ” Believe this affecting scene would have carried the Bill. Unfortunately, one of Sir ANDREW’s Constituents present. It was Mr. Wappy, who admit to being a married man, also to a wife and children, and he bluntly declared that “he did not want to get there.”” House began to look with suspicion on Sir ANDREW. Was it possible he had been deceiving them? Had he been working on their feelings, picturing a state of things that was not? If he could have arranged counter-demonstration, might have been different. A few married men from Finsbury (having wives and children) appearing at the Bar, and protesting that they ‘‘ wanted to get there,” would have settled the matter. As it was, House obliged to accept sole testimony offered. Mr. Wappy, a married man, ready to depose on oath that he, his wife, and family, did not ** want to get there.” Accordingly, Bill thrown out. 334! appeal against this,’’ Sir ANDREW sobbed. ‘‘ We’ll have the case

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144 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manca 24, 1883, re-heard, or four thousand married men in Finsbury, their wives, and families, will know the reason why.” “I'd advise you not to appeal,” said Joszpa Gris. ‘‘ Costs more money, and it’s no use.” Business done.—Voting Army Estimates. Tuesday Night.—Great incursion of Boers in both Houses. No reference to Lord StranLey of ALDERLEY, or Lord DEnmaN, Mr. Stan- LEY LEIGHTON, or Sir GzorGE Batrour. Sharp short work in the Lords, and some pretty ee. Lord Cranbrook led attack. Full of fire and fury. Lorp Dexsy replied. — ; ‘ ‘* Discusses affair as if were arbitrating on difference in School Board or Young Men’s Literary Society,” says Lord DuNRAVEN. Lord Carens as frigid as Lord DERBY, but little more polish. Lord KimBER ky dull and prolix. : ‘* Thinks he’s going to — of the Boer question on the homeo- athic principle,” says Lord RosesEry. ‘‘ Similia similibus curantur. Butbers on Boer, if not exactly false heraldry, isunattractive oratory.” Lord SranHoPE dissatisfied. BRaBOURNE condemnatory. More than ever regrets he accepted the Peerage when forced on him by Grapstons. Lord Satissury delightful, as he always is when discussing his noble friend and connection. ‘ 1 ‘** Could hardly keep his hands off the ye china when on his own shelf,” says the a CHANCELLOR, with that solemn face which lends point to the worst jokes ; ‘‘ but now he’s Worcester than ever.” Some little hits immensely enjoyed by the House, Lord Densy sitting all the while looking straight before him with stonewall countenance, as if some one else was being discussed. “The Duke of WELLINGTOX,” says Our Only General, ‘‘ when being lowered from the arch, did not keep his countenance better amid surprising circumstances than does my Lord Drrsy.” ; Perhaps prettiest speech of excellent Debate was Lord GRANVILLE’S few welll spoken with smiling face and courteous gestures. Resolved the whole matter, and fully two hours’ talk, in a sentence, when he pointed out that re of Transvaal affairs could not stop exactly two years back. ‘I think,” said he, ‘‘ the country will consider the position we were put in by the policy of the late Government, which made this most unfortunate annexation of the Transvaal.” Moreover, the smiling Earl pointed out that whilst Lords Cran- BROOK, Carrys, and Sarispuky looked daggers, they did not recom- mend their use by the Government. > ‘*These, my Lords,” continued Earl GranviLiF, with little nod and smile, as if dismissing a deputation, ‘‘are sufficient results to obtain from this Debate.” . . i So Lords thought, and went home in good time for dinner, leaving House of Commons to take two days in saying same thing over again in form much less neat. Business done.—Invasion of the Boers. Wednesday.—Mr. Giapstone put his foot down in New but Grandly Manly way. Says we’ve had enough of Sessions given up to Trish legislation. Time other and not immaterial parts of the Britis Islands should have a turn. So no more Land Bills for at least six months. “What d’ye think of that for a speech?” asked Mr. La- BOUCHERE, when i\' it was over, and ** House empty again. **T think,” said the philosophical Radical, ‘“ that GLADSTONE never made a_ speech ~— ” igri Mr. P re br eased all sec- Never again with you, Robin!’ Seas of House of an Explosion in the House.] Commons. It gratified the Tories, who were in terror of new concessions to tenants. On the same ground it pleased what I call the Whigs— that is, any Liberal who doesn’t a with me.” “But what about the Parnellites and the Liberals below the a ty Pp? ‘*My dear, but too simple-minded, Tony, there is no one in the House better pleased. Puts both under positive personal obligations. Gives us advantage of cheaply posing as friends of the National Party in Ireland, which means votes in English boroughs, and at same time does no harm. If our vote would turn scale, and compel Grap- STONE to bring in Irish Land Bill, that would be different—not to me personally, but to some others in this part of the House. But he’s and we pose with advantage to ourselves without hurting anybody else. As for Parwerz, Grapstorr’s a is worth twenty thousand pounds, three years’ sustentation fund for his k we off! [Effect of young men. Heof course expected refusal, led up to it by presenting impossible Bill. But didn’t dare to hope for refusal in this tone.” Heard yesterday Captain Gosser ill. Learn to-day he’s better. Everybody tells everybody else so with congratulation. The House of Commons wouldn’t be the same without the portly presence, the shapely legs, and the friendly face of our dear old Sergeant-at-Arms, Thursday.—Mr. GLapstorE put his foot down yesterday, and to- day the Fenians have blown it up. Thought we were in for a quiet oo ‘ie Be Saja KO Effect of an Explosion out of the House. Mr. Gourley addresses a crowded Audience on Thursday Night, March 15. evening. At question time, Mr. Reeryatp Yorke had brought down his own private bombshell, which he had intended to explode to the smashing, pulverising, and utter destruction of Son HERBERT. But it turned out that the fuse was damp. Didn’t go off, and left REGINALD with a beautiful speech, illustrated with long extracts, undelivered. Much sympathy with him on neighbouring Benches, where Hon. Gentlemen had speeches of their own ready to fire off after his explosion. Sank their sorrow in his more poignant grief. ‘*Never mind,” said Warton, handing consolatory snutf-box. ‘‘Don’t tear up your manuscript or lose sight of the two chapters in Home’s History of England you meant to quote at length. You can move in Committee of Supply to reduce the Premrenr’s salary by a thousand pounds, and then fire off at Herpert. J mean to bring on my Patent Medicines Motion in that way.” House had settled down into deadliest dulness. Mr. Gourtey had undertaken to answer Big BEen’s question, pe any time during last fifteen years. ‘‘ Where’s your Reserves P pened subject on Duke of EpinpurGH’s Report. Hadn’t got far when interrupted by another report. Duke of EpixspureH in Gallery waiting to hear speech. Drawn off by greater attraction. Members generally hurried offto Parliament Street. Several arrested by strange Policemen on sus- picion. Sir Wiit1am Harcovrt after first shock calm and resolute. ‘* What I don’t like,” says he, ‘‘is their sending boxes to me. DeEnnine refuses to open them unless his salary isdoubled. Clerks in Home Office get out of the way, and busily en all day when [| one arrives. But this blowing ~ - public buildings when we’re all out can be grappled with, and s Confess I don’t like it myself. Still trembling with shock. Meet Policeman in the Lobby. Like to talk to a Policeman in these times. Feel safe there at least. ‘‘ A shocking thing this,’ I say toone (A 1). ‘‘ They will be trying this place next.’’ ‘*No, Sir,” says A 1, lowering his voice confidentially, and point- ing with thumb over his shoulder to House. ‘* There’s too many of them there, and they’re regler sitters.” Don’t know what he means. Dursn’t ask. Might be arrested on suspicion. Think 1’ll go and take a walk on Hampstead Heath, or Clapham Common. Business done.—Report—of Supply in the House of Commons, of dynamite in office of Local Government Board. Friday.—Debate on Transvaal continued. Forster came out splendidly. Insists we shall go to war to reinstate CHUMSIZANIE, or some other black Gentleman in South Africa who’s been having | hen-roost robbed. Never mind talking about cost in life or coin. Go to war first and talk of that afterwards. Know now why a man’s called a Quaker. ‘*’Cause he makes you quake.” Haven't got over the explosion yesterday, and here’s Forster on the war- path! Business done.— None. To Bossres and Burciars.—‘‘The Ministry,” says the Datly Telegraph, ‘‘ will probably introduce a short measure ”’—don’t like ‘short measures,” as a rule—‘‘for the purpose of dealing at once with the urgent question of the simplification of areas, and adjust- ment of boundaries of local authorities.” This seems to be good news for the burglar, or the Policeman on: his beat,—or for both. “* Simplification of areas” certainly affects them equally. @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS8., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders.

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Marco 31, 1883, ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 145 NEW LAMPS FOR OLD. Even Practical Joun Hoitinesnean’s “sacred lamp of Bur- lesque ” occasionally requires refilling with oil, or most assuredly it ill sputter, flare, smoke, “— eventually go out, leaving nothing sbehind but a disagreeable vapour. &,More nonsense has probably been t ewritten about Burlesque than about any amusement ostensibly patron- ised by the people. It is too often assumed that the difficult art—nay more, the wholesome and necessary art of courteous caricature—is one of no literary pretension, and may be safely flung as a sop to the silliest and vainest member of the profes- sion devoted to acting. The fallacy of this proposition has been proved, notwithstanding Practical JoHN’s periodical spars with sensitive Critics, by a degraded estimate of the possibilities of Burlesque, and a growing carelessness and indiffer- ence on the o of its interpreters. A Gaiety play has, by inattention to the simplest rules of dramatic political economy, come to Z considered embodied childishness ; a ‘ the Gaiety performers have too : Si- frequently mistaken petting for Wonderful get-up. ‘Terry popularity. : Incognita.”” Blue Beard in form and in colour, in aim and in opportunity appears to be the kind of oil that the sacred lamp required. The flickerin flame greedily swallowed it, up it started into brilliancy, and behol the Critics and the Cynics are shaking hands, forced laughter is exchanged for honest merriment, and the Gaiety company plumes out its feathers, and the individual members of it have no longer to study themselves, but the characters entrusted to them. So long as they put earnest purpose into their work, they need never be ashamed of their calling. Why should they be? As their pre- decessors in the best English school of Burlesque, they have had Rosson—clarum et venerabile nomen—a genius although a Burlesque Actor—Marre WILTON and Miss Herspert—Comedians although Burlesque Actresses ; engaged in the very same occupation have been Ava CavenpisH, Joun L. Tootz, Henry Irvine, W. H. Kenpa —one of the most favourite Burlesque Actors Glasgew ever had— Davin James, Thomas THorNeE, Joun Hare—he might have been seen in petticoats at the Prince of Wales’s Theatre—and indeed all the best Comedy Actors and Actresses of our time. For Burlesque properly considered is not a hasty pudding of jingle and music-hall songs, or an opportunity for smart clothes and breakdowns, but a \ AAS The Hulla-baloo Chamber. Arrival of the Detective. funny play with point and circumstance, containing a legitimate opening for parody and caricature. What indeed are the GrpERT and SuLLIvan’s Operas but Burlesques dressed up in the fine and fashionable feathers of Comic Opera? Are these Sorcerers and Pinafores, these Pirates and Jolanthes, with their Policemen and Soldiers, their Curates and Lord Chancellors, their love-sick Maidens be | 207 her si of to music by an aecomplished musician who is himself a humorist in music, instead of being decorated with the best existing and popular music that comes to hand. Mr. Groner GrossMITH sings patter- songs, and so does Mr. Epwarp Terry, the latter having the better of it as far.as voice goes. The lyrics awarded to Miss FarREn are no less laughable than such as are entrusted to Mr. BarRineTon. Kats VauGHan might be as usefully employed as a shepherdess or fairy as Miss LkeonokaA Brawam or Miss Manion Hoop, the Savoyards having the advantage in vocalisation, and the Gaiety in the ‘* poetry of motion.” Miss E, Farren, deservedly one of the most popular Actresses on the Stage, who, in other days, might have been—with discipline—a Mrs. ABINGTON or Mrs. JoRDAN, needs no lime-light now to empha- sise the fact that she is an Artist. Her singing of ‘‘ My Boy,” in variation, ong, and Cockney whimsicality, is a masterpiece. With no etic touch to assist her, as in Mr. Rexcr's capital street-Arab’s song, the humour of the thing is just as bright and keen. Her performance of Blue Beard is not a confidential com- mentary between Miss Farren and her audience, but a clever bit of skilful burlesque acting. Nor need Miss Vauenan lean upon her milliner for distinction in an Art in which she is evidently proficient. Hitherto her fanciful attire and her grace- ful steps have con- stituted her claims as an Actress; but a broken - French song, and her swift and short imitation of Sara BEgn- HARDT, —- a charming fund of - caricature. hat excellent comedian, Mr. E, TrRry, has hitherto been § forced to squirm and twist and exaggerate his own style for lack of literary or comic suggestion ; but now, as the broken- > : down, impecunious father of Mrs. Blue Beard, he is as genuinely funny as JeEmMyY RoGERs ever was in the palmy days of the Strand. Miss Connie GItcHRIst is “‘ getting a big girl now,’ but has lost none of the artlessness of her childhood; necessarily a subordinate figure, she is always a pleasant companion to her associates on the stage. But the spirit of Blue Beard is otherwise infectious. How often, under other and more depressing cireumstances, the assistants and extras have gone through their work wearily and miserably. Now they start into life and action ; they are aroused to intelligence, and try, at any rate, to do their best. Even Mr. Irvine could not be offended, or Mr. Kyrie BeLiEew outraged at the caricature by Mr. Hen zy, who cleverly, and in a few touches shows how uncon- sciously Mr. BELLEw imitates Mr. Irvine; and there is not a ‘* Masher” in the famous front row who would break his crutch with rage, or disturb the symmetry of his shirt-front on account of the reflected affectation and mirrored apathy of the pretty Pw Ladies who so serenely satirise the youthful follies of an effeminate and unrobust age. If Blue Beard sets the example, never neglected in the days of Rosson, Witton, Roerrs & Co., of making the company act up to the play, the reaction will not have been in vain. Itisa step in the right direction, and though much more remains to be — as matters stand all are satisfied, Company, Comedians and Critics. Additional Verse to an Old Song. “‘ Tey will spoil the Embankment,” says Hoce unto Surru, ‘* But of course it’s no business of mine! ” ; Says Smiru, ‘*’Twould look better without them than with, But of course it’s no business of mine!” Says Percy to both, a young Percy quite per se, ‘** Won’t enter the lists against Westminster’s Circe. If Buxt doesn’t kick up a shine, it’s a mercy,— But of course it’s no business of mine! ”’ Chorus—O8 course, &c. Ovr own Mrs. R. says they seem to be making a great fuss about the Exhibition of Messrs. Loaner and Byrgnex, but why thy and love-struck Guardsmen, any less Burlesque because they are set ——___ should, when you can see all the celebrities at Madame Tussau.’s any day for a shilling, she finds it hard to understand. VOL. LXXXIV. rt)

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[Marc 31, 1883, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE MAYOR’S NEST. AR AA NN ASK Type fy Let Fretu delight to ban and blight, Denouncing is his trade ; Let angry Harcourt vent his spite Because his Bill ’s delayed : But Civic Magnates need not let Their loud alarums rise ; Tis clear Sir W1L11aM will not yet Crow over our demise. We in our little nest agree, And ’twere a frightful thing WAN = Aas Old Bird (chirping in the Easter Recess). ‘* ALL Riaut ur To Now! A\\ — aaa Yn — 4 SS ™ J If their Municipalitee Should make us all take wing. Whatever brawls disturb their House, Ours ahenid be free from storm ; Where Mayors and Aldermen carouse, What need we of Reform ? Let the League howl, Frrtx fret and fume, And Harcourt knit his brow! Not yet we dread the threatened doom. e’re all right—up to now! ‘Tr is a strange world,” said Mrs. RamspotHam ; “‘ one officer breaks his leg, and everyone is ¢ ling on him ; another breaks his y will go near him. Mr. Breear is advised not to appeal any more, and to let his to agree to this, as he Hy1anp Lassie gang awa’. He is unders already shows signs of Hyland lassitude. ca parole, and no

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Maron 31, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 147 TO “HUBERT” FROM TOBY. Deak HvseErt, Let me congratulate you on your pluck, which is ever the characteristic of your noble race. You have indeed proved yourself worthy of your illustrious descent. And surely the two great Saints, whose names you bear must have had you under their special protection,—I mean SS. Hubert and Bernard, for whom, (the latter especially, as I confess to being a trifle ignorant about the former, though I am a Protestant dog myself), I have always the most profound admiration,—as your escape from the knives of the cowardly assassins or at least from the knife of the one scoundrel whom hear you co and dragged to the ground was simply miraculous. Brayo, Hubert! Do write and give me particulars, there’s a good old boy! Confirm the story by your own ‘' Ipse Dizie.” Do tell me exactly how you escaped. Go into details, with- out any waggery, you old rascal you! and let me know how you seized that man in woman’s clothes. Did you tear & ae piece out of his dress? Or out of his leg? Didn’t he use his knife at all? Why did you let him go when you’d once got him down? And when poor Lady FrorENCE was stunned, and with a handful of dirt in her mouth, didn’t the other assassin, who thought that, after three stabbings, he had settled her, make for you ? And hadn’t you to struggle with them both? Did they cram dirt down your throat, old man, to prevent you from barking ? Was one about to stick you, and did the other, with some touch of humanity left in him, intercept his murderous design ? Did you, in your frantic rage, tear the female dresses worn by these two disguised men all to shreds,—for, up to the present moment of my writing this, I have not heard that any trace of those gowns has been discovered ? Now do comply with my request, which is the request of all England, for full information from you, and do not simply-wag your tail and say, ‘“‘ Bow. wow, wow!” tell you, Hubert, I will not be put off with ‘‘ Bow, wow, wow!” Iam informed that after these deeds of daring you did not “reappear till the following morning.” This isthe real modesty of a genuine hero. In this “‘ dog trait” I recog- nise my own noble St. Bernard. But, old fellow, don't think me impertinent if I ask, where were you? The noble deeds of your great ancestors were for a time partially discredited by impertinent visitors to Mount St. Bernard’s, who said that the Grand Old Dogs never did carry half-frozen children to the Monastery. Many, in this sceptical age, don’t. believe half they hear about the doings of the Great St. Bernard Dogs, and it is for you, my Hubert, to take this opportunity of coming forward, and telling the scoffers how you saved a Lady’s life, at the risk of your own, and miraculously escaped from the ruffians armed with knives, without a scratch on peur muzzle, or even a rumpled coat. peak out in your own defence, my boy, as, already, there are some—but I have set them down, and warmly defended your reputation—who insinuate that your name thould be changed from Hubert to Falstaff—but they will never make me believe that you are a ‘‘ false staff” to trust to in a difficulty, or that the scoundrel you pinned the ground was one of the notorious gang of “‘ men in .’ May you live long and as ye Write ours ever, OBY. P.8.—There was another Florence who had a faithful dog whose name was “ Diogenes.”” Do you remember taid “it was of no consequence,” eh? I don’t think that whom you took by the calf would have been of Mr, Toots’s opinion. Speak up! A Modern Mud-rigal. Hvureran! for the rain and the slosh! Hurrah! for the gallant galosh ! Hurrah for the damp, And the “‘ brolly ” of Gamp ! Hurrah for the brave mackintosh ! he made for Mr. Toots, and how that Gentleman Ch as, Y 4 Yj if of 4, * EES CR Vi 44, Z Z GG } +? ty ~ & Youthful Customer. ‘‘SHouLD A MAN SHAVE UP OR DOWN, Me. Strop?”’ Barber. ‘*’Dg&PENDS 80 MUCH ON THE—AH—GROWTH OF THE ‘AIR, SIR, YOUR CASE, I SHOULD SAY DECIDEDLY Down, Sir—Down !” In CACKLE. As served up daily to a patient Public by its Sapient Party Scribes, Tux victory of the Bluebuff Candidate in Central Clodshire yesterday, by a largely increased majority of Seven—at the General Election in 1880 it was onl Siz—is one of those events whose importance can hardly be overestimated an whose significance can never be exhausted. We pointed out some days since, that whilst no sort of meaning and no kind of credit would attach to the victory of the Buffblue Candidate, the defeat of that ill-advised intruder upon a con- stituency whose loyalty to Bluebuff principles has so long been conspicuous, would cover our party with glory and inspire it with hope. The event has proved that we, and we alone, were entirely right, The machinations of our opponents have failed ignominiously, their Candidate has suffered a crushing defeat. Nor, ingenious as Ser ever are at inventing hollow excuses and fudging up factitious consolation, will they in this case find a single circumstance te lessen their profound disappointment or mitigate their deep disgrace. The battle was fought upon broad Party Principles, the Buffblues had every advantage in their favour; buttered up to the ears by their Candidate, and caucussed up to the chins by the local wire-pullers, they polled their very last man, and—ere beaten by Seven ! ! ! Ah, that Seven! ‘* We are Seven,” sang the poet’s simple interlocutor. The odshire Seven, more glorious than the “Seven against Thebes” —may make those words the refrain of a patriotic pean that shall ring down the ages and sound on into the Bluebuff ennium. It may Dep be said that after all they were only Seven, and that they only secured a seat which before had been saved by Six! But this would not be a just estimate of the result. Would the Romans have rejoiced less in the savin of the Capitol if they had found that the -flock which saved it numbe not more than Seven? The true measure of the magnitude of our triumph may be found—in the efforts we must have made to minimise it had the saving Seven been on the other side. Dr. Benson once wrote an Essay on the Relation of the ye gf to the Bishop. Now His Grace might supplement it with another, entitled Its Asm ; or, The End of the Chapter. i ees FoR THE CorPoRaTiIon.—" Threatened men A CrumpceD Rosetear.—A Corn on the tip-toe of expectation.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Marc 31, 1883, ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, March 19.—Cuantes LEwIs is back after serving the constituency of Derry in the Far West. | ‘* Yes,” says Mr. Carnz, to whom I make the observation; ‘‘ but ou needn’t mention it. Lewis won’t be in the House half-an-hour fore he’ll advertise the interesting fact through what are called the usual channels of information.” CatnE right as Can’t exactly recall how often Lewis was up in course of sitting, but know it was on every possible stage. First on notices, next on questions, thirdly in debate. This is making up for lost time. | Whitsuntide he’ll be straight with Members who ’ve been here since February. Sir R. Cross wants to know how it was House was Counted Out on Friday. ‘“‘Very proper quarter for inquiry to come from,” says Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, ‘‘seeing he wasn’t there himself to help to make a House.” Mr. Cxuiipers volunteers to reply. Interesting narrative of how he met Lord RicHarp GRosvVENOR when going out to dinner; how Lord RicwarpD asked him to ‘‘ be down at nine o'clock, and bring as many Members with him as he could ‘* This,” says General Burna- BY, ‘‘ comes of old associations. Grosvenor forgets CHILDERS no longer Minister for War. Sends him out on picket duty.” leased vision dawns before The Easter Lily. House of Mr. CHILDERS eating , hasty dinner, then running out to patrol St. James’s and Parliament Street, picking up stray Mem- bers, arresting them, and marching them down to make House. _ Mr. Yorke, momentarily withdrawing his mind from Kilmainham, inquires about the mystery at Windsor—“‘ That terrible struggle for life in the lonely plantation near the Willows,” as Standard beauti- fully calls it. House laughs. Why should House laugh? Laughs —_ when GLADSTONE says, with great gravity, ‘‘I don’t think oME SECRETARY isin a position to give any information which would be of value to the House.” _ CAMPBELL-BaNNERMAN, like practical Scotchman and enthusiast in office, inclined to take business view of the matter. Seems to me,” he says to Sir Epwarp Reep, ‘that here we have the problem solved of the protection of the Navy. We have been hammering away at it for i and spent millions, and all the time have close at hand, within domestic circle, the true armour-plat of the future.” * Oh. . says , hastily, ‘if you’re going through your speech again, 1’ll see you by-and-by.” No; I’m only sorry this didn’t happen a day or two before I made my speech. ‘Would have been a great point. Thing is, get corsets made on principle of Lady Ftorence Drxre’s; plate ships with them, and there you are. Nothing would hney sg them. At once cheap and effectual. Suppose you don’t know the address of the corset-maker P ” “* Of corse ’ets ne business of mine now,” said the former Chief Constructor, looking a little vexed I thought at the idea having first occurred to C.B. ‘* But suppose the thing will be advertised. When there ’s great» fire, and papers are preserved in a safe, always see advertisement’ af rwards. Expect when Lady Frorence’s hand is better, she ite to the corset-maker something after this style :— Dga® Mapam,—I am happy to inform you that your knife-and- dagger-resisting corsets have sa my life. alking in my grounds, on Saturday evening last, I was attacked by two men in female attire. It was a fearful time, and I stro sled bard. Thrice & man smote me with a dagger. His eyes were dark, and so was his hair. His features were vid, his white teeth firmly clenched, and he wore a green dress, Thrice he struck, and thrice the faithful corset foiled his blow. In short, but for your corset I should now be acorse. You are at li to make what use you please of this letter. I remain, yours fai y and gratefully, &c., &c.’ , That 8 the sort of thing you may look for.” Thank you,” said C.B., “ never thought of that.” Business done.— Bankruptcy Bill read a Second Time. By| by P Tuesday.—Things rather an off to-day. Sir R. Cross was to have brought on question of Cuban Refugees. But it seems Spanish Government are coming round to right view of matter, and Spaniards mi Gen ie t d to anything,” Sir Arr ‘*Generally long time coming roun anything,” Sir HUR Orway says, “‘ especially to right view.” RanpourH furious. Had meant to put things straight after little weakness last Friday when he agreed with GLiapstoNE on Amendment to Transvaal Debate. Only did it, he explains apologetically, in order to get rap at Hicxs-Bracu. Still, to ave asked Gorst to withdraw Amendment in favour of one suggested y Premier, makes him feel uncom- fortable. Meant to have put it right to-day on Cuban Refugee business, and here ’s Cross positively drawing back. RANDOLPH glares upon uncon- scious Sir RicHarD as if it was his hat he sat upon on resuming his seat. Whereas it was only ScLATER- Boorn’s. Debate on Grand Old Committees not precisely entertaining. Mr. Rakes makes a melancholy speech. Gather generally that with Grand Committees the country will hurry with hastened steps to destruction. House takes matter very quietly, considering, and finally agrees to refer Bankruptcy Bill. More about Lady Frorence Dixie. Mr. O’SaxEa wants public inquiry. Impenetrable gravity of Sir WiL1sm Haxcovrt when he answers that inquiry going on, but he’s ‘‘ not in position to make any statement on the subject.” More laughter when Mr. Lazov- CHERE asks whether reward will be offered for discovery of guilty ties? Sir Wirt1am Haxrcourt graver than ever. Like = oesn’t see the joke. No joke at all for people with dark hair an eyes, pale face, and white teeth, especially if they Jook as if they occasionally wore a green gown. At seven o’clock House up for Easter Holidays. Business done.—Go home till Thursday week. Lord R. Churchill doesn’t put his foot down. A VENETIAN DINNER SONG. [A “ New Venetian Salon,’’ at the Holborn Restaurant, has been recently opened. ‘*Grand Marble Staircase”— and “ Marble Halls” in which you don’t ‘‘dream that you dwelt,’ but where you realistically dine. For the original of this song vide Mr. H. C. MERIVALE’s “ Boat Song,” p. 152, in his White Pilgrim and other Poems.] Tue People are dining The band plays some Nation- Free-lee, free-lee ; -al toon, -al toon, The marble is shining Which stops conversation, PR deed ag : A boon! A boon! some folks are growing , . So gay, 80 gay, The dinner is good, not While others are going Cost-lee, cost-lee, To pay, to pay. If ’twere, do it would not For me, for me. And some guests are calling Tis lit by electri- “*Wai-ter! Wai-ter!” -citee, -citee And waiters are bawling You can the effect try, “Yes, Sir! Yes, Sir!” And see, and see. Th give us a filling e-nu, Me-nu. The waiters are willing, ** And boo’—and boo’.” In Venice—no, Holborn, To dine, to dine The high and the low-born Com-bine, com-bine. The fittings are splendid To see, to see, You dine (I know ten did) Cheap-lee, cheap-lee ! But here comes the Doge in— Noise cease, noise cease ! We’re at, I’m “ Ve-nice, Ve-nice. Here’s Shylock! Note soundof **Oh yesh! Oh yesh!” He’s cutting a pound of Cook’d flesh, cook’d flesh. And here is Childe Harold, Tis he! ’tis he! Of whom Brzon caroll’d Sweet-lee, sweet-lee. And here comes Othello, Tie white, tie white—— Now, wake up! old fellow. Good night! Good night! We eat to repletion Too soon, too soon, In this New Venetian Sa-loon, Sa-loon, Opp CoNnTRADICTION AT THE ADMIRALTY CoURT.—PHILLIMOBE isn’t, Butt is!

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Maron 31, 1883, ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 149 THE BOILING POT OR, HOW TO KEEP IT UP. (N.B.—It is done by a ‘** Contents Bill” and a ‘*‘ Special” Edition— Vide below. ) THE EVENING STAGGERER. (SPECIAL EDITION.) THREATENING TO BLOW UP THE TOWER. HORRIBLE OUTRAGE AT THE HOME OFFICE. GREAT DISCOVERY OF ARMS IN THE REGENT’S CANAL. ALLEGED DISAPPEARANCE OF AN ARCHBISHOP, EARTHQUAKE AT WINDSOR CASTLE. MYSTERIOUS EXPLOSION IN THE CITY. FRIGHTFUL RAILWAY COLLISION. ANARCHISTS AT CAMBERWELL. NARROW ESCAPE OF THE EMPEROR OF GERMANY, Latest BErrine, THREAT TO BLOW UP THE TOWER. A LITTLE boy, who gave his age as eleven, was discovered in Thames Street this morning with a halfpenny squib and box of matches. On the explosives being en away from him, he admitted, on cross-examination, that his intention was to blow up the Tower. The investigation was still proceeding when our reporter left. OUTRAGE AT THE HOME OFFICE. BetwEEN half-past eleven and a quarter to twelve this waning = stranger, wearing a large woollen comforter and ordinary black kid gloves, but who, the messenger on duty happened to note, was eating an orange in rather an excited manner, deliberately entered the Home Office, and asked the way to the Stamp Department. Shortly afterwards, Sir Wri1t1am Haxcovrt having occasion to leave his official room, slipped down on a piece of the peel that had been evidently left designedly on the stairs. The worthy Baronet, though not much shaken, said he angnenes that the outrage was political, and might not be unconnected with the New Bankruptcy Bill. The affair is in the hands of the police. DISCOVERY OF ARMS IN THE REGENT’S CANAL. Tuts afternoon a dredging-machine, while clearing a portion of the Junction basin, brought up from the bed of mud at the bottom a couple of old kitchen knives and a carving-fork. The weapons evidently been in the water for some time, and the circumstance —_—— caused much excitement in the immediate neighbour- ALLEGED DISAPPEARANCE OF AN ARCHBISHOP. _An Archbishop, who has been staying at Buxton for the waters, disappeared mysteriously from his hotel yesterday evening, and, as snow was falling at the time, it was feared that he had been buried alive in one or more of the drifts on the hills, for which the locality is famous. Great relief was therefore experienced when it was discovered that the worthy Prelate had been merely spending a few hours quietly at the house of a friend. REPORTED EARTHQUAKE AT WINDSOR CASTLE. A CoRRESPONDENT from Egham writes to us:—‘‘I was visiting the State Apartments at Windsor in the usual manner yesterday, when it struck me that I noted a decided oscillation of the stone bannisters on the grand staircase. ad not long lunched, I could not possibly have been mistaken, and I called the attention of the Cicerone to the fact. I have not the slightest doubt but that the phenomenon was due to a severe shock of earthquake.”’, MYSTERIOUS EXPLOSION IN THE CITY. THs morning, between half-past-six and seven, a rather loud ort was heard in the neighbourhood of Milk Street, and on the Policeman on duty making ~~ it was discovered that a slight accident had occurred to a kite: en-boiler that had not been properl repaired. Several arrests have already been made in connection wi the affair, and some startling revelations are expected. FRIGHTFUL RAILWAY COLLISION. . YESTERDAY evening, a coal-truck on one of the Great Northern sidings at King’s Cross, having been shunted by mistake on to the up line, ran against a stationary break-van, with sufficient force to damage a pane of glass in the window of the latter, and almost throw the Guard off his feet. The noise occasioned by the shock of the meeting trucks is said to have been heard distinctly at ae three yards’ distance. The line was speedily cleared. There will be a they are very house, without kely a turn in the SUSPECTED ANARCHISTS AT CAMBERWELL. Some strangers have lately been seen in the mene of Camberwell; and yesterday they lunched at a well- apparent object. It is thought, therefore, that Anarchists, a thr trated letter of a scurrilous characte own public- eatening, coloured, and illus- r having been received by the Vicar on the morning of the 14th February last. NARROW ESCAPE OF THE EMPEROR OF GERMANY. Tue Emperor of GERMANY was Garden Platz, at esterday morning about to take e rear of the Palace, when-an extremely heavy and drenching shower of rain came suddenly down, the American girl... and determined His Majesty to abandon his stroll. a most narrow one, and has excited lively comment and congratula- tion in Court circles. The escape was DIX’S LAND. (‘* Tuw Rev. Dr. Morncan Drx has been delivering some ferocious Lenten lectures at Trinity Chapel, New York, concerning the shocking depravity of - It has pleased Dr. Drx to denounce the higher education of wemen as if it were certain to result in the ruin of the sex.’’— Pall-Mali Gazette.) Ou, Dr. Drx, oh, Reverend Dix! So hot at denounci Your mind must be You are right off the rails, ’Tis wrong-headed ‘‘ goodi the sex and its tricks, — of queer ricks and cricks, oh, my Reverend Drx ; es , like you who would fix The yoke on the woman, and then if she kicks You “‘ slate” her as tho Like Bardolph. The sex like ourselves—is a ‘* mix,”’ There are some who are bad, there are some who are “ bricks,” them in darkness to cure them? O, Dix! The whitest wax-candles, without any wicks, But k h she had stolen a Pyx, Would be little use in this world. The fierce flicks Of your heavy flagellum fall wildly ; some pricks Of sharp ridicule’s goad you deserve, for it licks Common sense to perceive what you’re at. Budding quicks Need light, nor do women need darkness, my Drx. If you’d nurture their morals by teaching em nix Be sure that you ’d not make them seraphs, but “ sticks,” In your dull ** Drx’s Land But a soulless Boeotia, sombre as Styx. Scunze—A Common, of which, by defacing it with a Cuttin not A Drx, A Common Complaint. a Railway Company have sacrificed the Scenery to.their Commercial p Pom ting Falstaf’). Company, villanous Company, Genius Loct ( hath been the spoil of me. ** OnE Volunteer is worth six Pressed Men,” as a flattened Gentle- man remarked in an overcrowded first- Brighton on Easter Monday. carriage, going down to ** RESTRICTION OF OutPut.”—The Affirmation Bill. Tuts represents pictorially Mr. Dums-Crampo’s view of what we’ve heard a good deal about recently, t.e.— searching investigation into the affair. Ballad on a Bouquet. Just as, by any other name, As sweet would smell a Rose, So would an Onion, all the same, Offend a dainty nose. Plain fact, in periphrase conveyed, From naming short we shrink ; ’T were coarse to 0 spade a spade And use the word we think. Reformed Reviewing. Reviews all too long, and too awe ae They should short, ani to the p " For example, “ How to ees Mushrooms, by WILLIAM EARLY. There is mush room for a little book of this description. It is evident the early Bri picks up the mushroom.” This is the kind of thing we want to see intro- duced in our critical journals,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 31, 1883, (A CAUTION TO MOTHERS.) Mrs. Tomlinson (to extremely eligible Young Lady), ‘‘1'm surz YOU'LL LIKE MY Son RICHARD, MY DEAR Miss GotpMoRE! Nor THAT HE'S EXACTLY BRILLIANT, YOU KNOW, BUT HE’S 80 STEADY AND Goop. SPENDS ALL HIS EvgNINGS AT HoME, AND ALWAYS In Bep sy Eceven! He ’s NEVER GIVEN ME AN Hovur’s UNEASINESS IN HIS Lire!” **Goop gracious !"’ ExcLAIMs Miss GOLDMORE, AND INSTANTLY CONORIVES FOR RICHARD A FRANTIO AVERSION, [ Which is not lessened when she discovers that he's that Modest Youth in the background, pulling on his glove. «* DISTRIBUTION.” Jeremy Diddler (reading new Bankruptcy Bill), Oh, this is per- fectly disgusting, you know ! Professional Adviser. Not exactly pierent reading, is it ? Jeremy Diddler, Mark my words, Sir, this we eee legis- lation will ruin the country, send liberty to—well, to chokee, and drive cleverness to—in point of fact, to the dogs ! Professional Adviser, Your sentiments, Sir, do you honour. You should be in Parliament. Your ardent love of freedom would gladden the heart of Cowen, and rouse the enthusiasm of CLARKE. Jeremy Diddler, Oh, liberty for ever! I say. Every man should be free to ‘‘ do” as he likes—and can. Professional Adviser. A Golden Rule, indeed! ‘‘ Honest distri- bution of Assets,” the ee talks about. Honest distri- bution, I ie means distribution among what are called honest . They are mostly idiots. Then what is to become of brains? = Jeremy Didiller. Oh! (Sings.)— : We’re going to do without ’em, n’t want ’em any more ; _AMfe’re going to do without ’em, (eis lots have done before. » Te with Commerce ‘‘ on the square ” a a very moral p. And every noodle will declare, ** Tam an honest man!” Bah! makes a feller sick, such humbug does! Professional Adviser. tly. e must remember, however, our Lp pe maxim—not found in our legal handbooks—that fools make elaborate laws, and wise men wriggle out of them.” They thought they ’d tied us up pretty tight in 1869. Jeremy Diddler. Yes ; but how about those ‘‘ Official Receivers ”— Officious Receivers I should call ’em ? Professional Adviser. Officialism is the curse of the country! Sixty of them, at a salary of about £1000 a ear I suppose, and paid out of the Assets! It’s scandalous. hese ‘‘ Sixty Thieves” who’ve to be paid well for taking the bread out of poor men’s mouths, must be the greatest scoundrels—— Jeremy Diddler. By Jove! A bright idea! J’ apply for the post myself!!! Professional Adviser. Few could be better fitted for it. But what do we want with ’em at all, when we can settle it all so comfortably among ourselves, and save the a Thousand a year ? come Diddler. Just so. Public inquiry be blowed! What’s the Public got to do with a fellow’s private affairs? Our blessed legislators seem to think we’re like confounded cucumbers—can’t go straight unless we ’re grown under glass. a a Professional Adviser. Samp ** Strangle our individuality, as Cowen says, by officialism an —e > : Jeremy Diddler. Oh, look here, I say. Don’t talk about strangling. It’s uncomfortable. ce of practical renewal of imprisonment for debt is bad enough without hinting at the hemp business. Professional Adviser. Centralisation and Caucus are driving us into reactionary courses, Sir. I’m all for ‘‘ freedom of contract” and the doctrine of ‘‘ settle it ‘among yourselves |” _By-and-by a man won’t be able to sneeze without official supervision, or borrow half-a-crown without the consent of the Board of Trade. Jeremy Diddler (aghast at the latter notion). By Jove!!! Just fancy what a lively time the Board of Trade, and Yours Truly would have; but no matter. Not quite so bad as that yet, old man. Haven’t got such a thing as—— : Professional Adviser (hastily). I agree, with Cowzn, that no Bankruptcy Law at all is necessary. how, Lord HaTHERLEY Ss opinion that ‘‘ The principle on which all wat chewrenl laws ought to

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Manrcu 31, 1883, SPOILING THE SPOILERS. Jeremy Dipper (a Fraudulent Bankrupt). “ WHAT !—-HAND THE MONEY OVER TO THE CREDITORS :—PREPOS- TEROUS IDEA!!!” His ‘‘ Proressionat Assistant.” ‘‘ WHY—WE SHALL BOTH BE RUINED!” a aT

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Marca 31, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 153 be framed was to leave everybody to manage their own affairs”— with the friendly assistance of their own legal advisers, of course— is a sensible one. But this poking and prying, and public inquiry. and army of Official Receivers—— Spit Jeremy Diddler. And all to save the ridiculously small sum of half-a-crown—— Professional Adviser. In the pound—— Jeremy Diddler. Is 4 coe Professional Adviser. Monstrous! ! ; Jeremy Diddler. A public scandal!!! A national disgrace!!! Professional Adviser. Well, cheer ‘up, Jeremy! It isn’t passed yet; and when it is, why perhaps even then, ‘‘ Bankruptey Made Easy” may be not quite a lost art. But as to ‘‘ the quick distribution of a bankrupt’s assets among his creditors,” Jenny |—— Jeremy Di . His creditors, mark you ! !—— Together. Why what would become of us? TWO LIGHTS. The Right Hon. Sir George Fessel, MAsTER OF THE Rous, Diep THE 21st or Marcu, 1883. The Right Hon. Sic Robert Foseph Phillimore, Justice OF THE Prosats, Divorce, AND ADMIRALTY DIVISION, TOOK HIS LEAVE OF THE BAR ON THE SAME DAY. A Lieut of Law, none stronger or more keen, Quenched in Death’s sudden shadow, to be seen, A steadfast beacon of clear Right no more ; Lost memes eam oy lost unrivalled lore, The sharp, swiit insight, the unerring skill, The strength unbending and unshaken will That lifted to high fame and pride of place The virile scion of a virile race. And even as men mourn their cold eclipse, Another Light, extinguished not, yet slips From the full gaze of countryman and friend. Though one great life yet brightens to the end, Sad seem the lines that, on one morning, tell Of JEssrx’s death, and PHriiim™ore’s farewell. “THE HAPPY FAMILY.” Te Cabinet are not a happy family, in the literal sense of the words, as regards the question of Municipal Reform. However thoroughly united they may be in regard to other and more important matters, although even this has been questioned, on the difficult matter that Sir W1LL1am Haxcovrt, in an evil hour for his own peace of mind, undertook to arrange to the satisfaction of all men, they are ——_ not as one man. First and foremost stands their great leader with his inborn love and reverence for all institutions hallowed by age and historical associations, who takes every possible oppertunity of declaring emphatically, that the reform of the old Corporation when it comes, “if ever it come,” shall only tend to increase its power, and its prestige, and its influence for good, and enable it to continue more teely its great and useful work. Sir Wii11aM is said to find in him my but enthusiastic sapnert. The Lorp CHANCELLOR, with his intimate knowledge of the good deeds of the Livery Companies, gained by his position as Master of the Mercers, the premier Guild of London, betrays no great longing for any radical change in the Corporation or its asséciated Companies. Lord GRANVILLE has that inborn dislike to all unnecessary change that it is reasonable to expect in a prosperous and popular Peer who to conduct all the foreign affairs of this great Empire. Denby is, we learn, so utterly disgusted with the unusual conduct, to use the Ye eg phrase in our vocabulary, of the dent of the semi-defunct League, in regard to the proceedings of the City Guilds Commission, that he never hears of his name or his acts or of anything that is his, without indulging in unparliamentary . ERS is so constantly absorbed in mental calculations of a most abstruse character, as to how to meet the enormous deficiency anticipated from the brilliant suocess of the Blue Ribbon Army, that whenever the subject of Municipal Reform is persuasively intro- to him by Sir Wiir1m, his sole reply is, ‘‘ Oh, bother ! ” Lord Hartrneton, as is well known, votes the whole thing a bore, and tells everybody that, as Harcourt voluntarily got himself into the mess, he must get out of it again the best way he cam, and he hopes it will be a lesson to him in future to take Mr. Punch’s age 3 and stay more at Home, and attend‘to the necessary duties of is office. Mr. Donson is ef course nobody, and he’s never yet got over the look ef amazement with which he first found himself really and truly a Cabinet Minister. rd SPENCER, with his experienceof Dublin, naturally shudders at the idea of largely increasing the power of any Municipality, and has a very strong conviction in his secret soul that a very consider- able majority of his fellow Peers will prove to be of the same opinion when the question is submitted to them. : Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, it is well known, has etpeeant himself very strongly against one Municipality for the whole Metropolis, and is in favour of separate Municipalities for the several Parliamen Boroughs ; and as he has had more municipal ——— than a the = of his colleagues put together, his opinion should have great wei The nly init, in fact, on whom Sir WILLIAM can rely is Sir Cuartes Ditxe; but as the very well understood and very freely expressed opinions of Sir CHaRLEs, on nearly all political questions of importance, are far and away in advance of those of aristocratic Sir WILLY, his new colleague’s over-zeal troubles him almost as much as the calm indifference, or worse, of his older friends. The one point, however, on which they both cordially agree is in their deter- mination to shake off all further connection with the moribund League ; and if its astonished President could but know who forms the subject of some of the best mots of these equally celebrated wits, it might teach him a lesson that would prove worth the learning. The last rumour at ‘‘ The Reform” is that the returns just sent into the Home Office, as to the probable number and character of the constituency of the contemplated New Municipality, are of so strikingly democratic a character, that the introduction of the pro- posed measure, put off until after Easter, may even be postponed until after Whitsuntide, so as to afford more time for a thorough study of the returns in question. CRINOLETTE. Tre was when a hideous fashion Moved mankind to ire and spleen, Till the Ladies took compassion On us, scorning Orinoline. Now a horrible successor Comes to make men fume and fret, And a wild outrageous dresser Dares to wear a Crinolette. Crinoline was bad, but surely, © dangling in the dirt, Wobbling very insecurely, Don’t improve a lady’s skirt ; But no matter how this practice, Inartistic, first began, . It, we ’re thankful, as a fact, is Chiefly loved by y Ann! IN THE PRESS. Cat, a-musing. By the Author of Kit ; a Memory. ‘ — Lieut ts C By the Author of Zhe Captain’s om. Merely a Curse. By the Author of Only a Word. The Witch's Moon. By the Author of The Wizard’s Son. A Durham B.A. By the Author Of High Degree. Not to be taken on Credit. By the Author of For Cash Only. The Tittlebat Angry. By the Author of The Gentle Savage. The Old, Old Story. By the Author of No New Thing. Merely a Crimson Stall, By the Author of Only a Black Boz. = ed A Snap at Somnus. (By a Stupified Victim of the late spell of cheerless Weather.) ‘* Ou, Sleep it is a blessed thing, Beloved from pole to pole.” ; Oh! yes, Mr. Cotenrper, sweetly you sing, And are probably right, on the whole. ‘ But not this dull drowsing that comes, day and night, From presence of “‘ liver”? and absence of light. ‘* Easter Ecos.”—Here ‘‘ Tom Surrn & Co.” set the best egg- sample. Of course this Firm doesn’t ‘put all their eggs in one basket,” but Mr. Punch has seen nothing prettier for this season of the year than one of T. 8. & Co.’s paniers. They’re on the right ** lay,” and not one of ’em addled.

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154 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Manor 31, 1883,

SONG OF A CENTRE. As Sung at a Festival of Fenian Conspirators. Wuen the hand-bomb that’s aan by the high-minded ero Explodes underneath the dark despot’s doomed car, Or when patriots pine in the prisons of NERro the wder-keg blows up the walls where they are, Oh, those are the deeds that en- noble the martyrs Who the frolicsome dictates of Freedom obey : Though destruction’s, maybe, dealt around in all quarters, ’Mongst the peoplethat couldn’t get out of the way. But bad luck to the baste, in his infatuation, From revenge inconsiderate, or vanity blind, That commits an unpopular ass- assination, And against true tyrannicides turns all mankind ! For that places ourselves in an awkward position ; If Republics and Kingdoms together agree That all sorts of assassins deserve extradition, We’ll have dynamite dashed from the fist of the Free!

For Ladies Only. WE are told that— “The bridle which was formerly used at Reading to stop the mouths of scolding women, has been deposited in the Museum of that town.”’ _ This is satisfactory. In Read- ing now Ladies bridle their own tongues ; and if not, never think of going near the Museum. PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No, 129. JOHN MORLEY, ESQ, M.P., Tae NorTHERN LicHt- WEIGHT. SHOWING HOW HE WENT IN PELL-MELL, AND FOUGHT KNIGHTLY.

‘“* THE TWO ROSES.” A New & on English Operatic ¢ grease ct Beary Late, nt te very old tune.) Lusty Rosa back you come, Won't I hear your string and brass and drum, drum, drum. O Rozg, Marte Rozz, You’re singing for Cart Rosa, **So the story goes.” Chorus. O rows of seats, whole rows, Will, we hope, be filled each night, ‘or all your shows.

A Parotoaist who had been much exercised by the American- isms ‘‘ Masher” and ‘* Mashed,” recently imported into the English language, was in an ecstasy of delight at finding in an old copy of one of VaANBRUGH’s plays thi Stage direction: “‘ Enter BELINDA, mashed.” He at once sat down to write a treatise, when, after having set forth a learned theory on derivations and the recurrence of terms in the course of centuries, it occurred to him to compare his edition with several others of the same play, when gradually the conviction was borne in upon him ** mashed,” and which was unde- niably ‘‘mashed” in his copy, was a misprint for ‘‘ masked,’ the Stage direction being ‘* Enter BELinpAa, masked.’’— Moral. It doesn’t do for a Philologist to be too impetuous.

SCIENTIFIC JOTTINGS, Da. Sremens is reported to have grown strawberries by means of electricity—very nice, he says, although slightly savouring of the current. Latest fruits of Science.

IN THE NORTH COUNTREE. (NEWCASTLE VERSION.) With thanks to Mr. Theo. Marzials, THERE’s many a famous Member in the North Countree, Many favourites of the Caucus, many speakers of renown ; oh! among the smartest that ever you did see, 8 Radical Joun Morte, who came down from London town. We all sat around our Association Board, When the Tories had a fancy that their man might win ; ame, 0 square and fair and broad, Uncompromising rectitude about his solid chin. to us there a Pall Mail song, must needs sing too; Of Wixt1am, grand old Leader, and of JoserH smart and strong, Canute frank and true. Bat [ And then he came, And he san, Till we all Witty Vernon, Chelsea And we said, ‘* Our town will A comfortable seat for you ! Ay, a comfortable seat for you!” There is many a famous Member in the North Countree A-taking i sun shall not go down. care the Li But Mortey . ur an Light it <a, that fuent an lit a candle that you all might see, Kling Montz from far pat to logic’s dance, A-breaking of his ** Oh, Liberals s Bruce is really a "Tis I that make, unless we much mistake, And says we, ‘‘ Our town will make, unless we much mistake, A comfortable seat for Ay, a comfortable seat for you!” ou! There ’s many a ae veer in the North Countree eart as the Bruce goes down. And Joz stood a-sighing ; but he a he, ** After all, it’s very little use to fume or frown.” And the Tories own a ‘‘ beat.” __ Liberal cheers then rent the skies. At the sound of their defeat _ Our Joun Mortey did uprise, And his manly voice sounded ight and true, fellow, for all that I can hear, But for Newcastle he’ll hardly do. | will make, unless I much mistake, The very sort of Member, friends, for you ! Ay, the very sort of Member, friends, for you!” so clear on our ear—

of Mr. Cuantes S. PARNELL, Tussaun’s Exhibition. Surely, can have entitled him toa ORLEY from far London town. A Warning in Waxwork. Sonpry posters in divers places announce that a ‘‘ Portrait Model a v” MLP., has been added to Madame Mr. Parwett has done nothing that ition amongst celebrities a certain special Chamber of the establishment associated in in Baker Street—as S Only Joz Cowen his grand head h pf auld in «corner, and glared takanco, came to win, and he had his heckled” him, and searched him through, | et? To do him an honour so very peculiar as that of placin Lim th in effigy, seems, at least, premature. The Waxwor ob et ro my As ; but this does seem like casting Mr. ParnEty’s Chamber-of-Horrorscope.

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 155 | ' *t) arin MYA Wereet ~~ NEW IDEAS. not FoR Mzy, I THINK IT AN UNMANLY KIND OF Sport!” “\ Uy-MAN-LY /"” “WELL, YES, you KNOW. WomMEN cAN Hunt. AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN IN AT THE D&ATH, I'M ASHAMED TO say!” ‘‘THEN WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU CONSIDER MANLY?” Divivgp Skirts /” — - fh “Tar FAcT 18s, StR Roger, I pon’r APPROVE OF FOXHUNTING; AT LEAST, I HAVE, LOTS OF TIMES ; ‘“WELL—BicrcLing. WOMEN OAN’T DO THAT, YOU KNOW, NOT EVEN WITH MR. GREENHORN’S EXPERIENCES. AtrnoveH months have elapsed since the events occurred to which the cooompenying letter refers, I think it may be found of sufficient interest to all my bachelor friends who are blessed with female relatives, to justify its insertion. é A few oe ote I had given my instructions to the Liberal Haberdashers I sometime since alluded to, I received, to my intense astonishment, a letter from my Aunt, of which the following is a copy :— **My pEAR JOSEPH, Laweu. a ieed iin shih, Gon tahon to tee WSON & 0 ey inform me, the -have forwarded by your — I have examin: the worthless rubbish with an amount of astonishment that I really find it quite impossible to express. I can quite understand, my dear Nephew, the kindness that im you to e@ me, as you fondly thought, a very handsome — for my approaching birthday; but the shameful way in which you have been swindled and induced to insult me in a way that I never could have believed possible, worries and annoys me more than I can express. **Tt’sa long way, of course, from Truro to London, and you know how T hate those nasty Railways, espe- ially since I have been so lame, but I shall start by the early train to-mcrrow morning, and we will go together to those shameful swindlers, accompanied by a Policeman, and let them see that we are not quite such idiots in Cornwall as to be taken in by such an impudent attempt at deception. I hope the journey, will not prove too much for my strength; but I shall be able to stay with you three or four days to recover myself. I shall bring my maid with me, so we shall require two bed-rooms. It is, of course, a great effort for me to make, but nothing shall prevent my assisting you in punishing those in- famous swindlers who have « so to impose upon your utter ignorance of these important matters. ** Your affectionate Aunt, ‘‘ TanrrHa TREVELYAN.” My poor dear Aunt stayed with me a full week before she was able to return home. It was poy! the longest and the most expensive, and I fear I must add, the most untruthful week I ever experienced, and the worst of it is that I also fear, from her somewhat severe manner at leaving, that my long week’s sacrifice of comfort and convenience, of boundless extravagance, and of ima- ginative explanations was all thrown away. I am going to Herne Bay for a few days’ absolute quiet and repose, and to recover my wonted serenit; after the fearful trial to which I have been subjected, from which I draw this moral for my future guidance :— Never buy a ba in Silk; never make a present to a distant Relation; and never have a spare bed-room in a small establishm JosEPH GREENHORN, ! ent. THE WAY THE MONEY GOES. A creat deal has been said and written about the funds of the Land League. It has been suggested several times that these mys- terious accounts should be audited. With a view to making a start in that direction, the following fi are interrogatively subjoined, as, from their nature, they seem likely to pass unquestioned by any- one :— List of Disbursements. Tickets to Parisand America «86. 2. Sw Sw ws «1,000 0 Cost of flirtin Overcoat with pend-hagping Pockets . 10 0 Lessons from Dancing-Master in Irish Jig . . . . oot 10 e . . 7 > . . . . . ’ 0 Entertarament of the Fair Sex (no true Irishman, would object to that) . ° . . ° 4 7 EGER 5 0 eo tg | ws Contributions to the Poor-Boxes in Paris Churches . The er Suit” as advertised P and Hair-Curling . Expenses of various Gentlemen—say Other Dis oments . . * .. 8. d. : . BY e . . 0 3 . - 19,979 13 £25,000 0 0 0 0 0 9 6 3 0 6 0 3 9 0 Sunflowers, and shabby Peacocks’ Feathers, several | Wigs, a collection of impossible Pictures. Also, a val ] V Instruction to ZEsthetes, containing a list of wsthetic catch 8, drawings of sesthetic attitudes, and many choice secrets of the craft. Also, a num and white anxious to embark in a but impudence, and involves no So The Rival Blues. (From the Home Secretary’s point of view.) Bossy in Blue, put your truncheon in play, The rough ’s on the loose, and the “*lag’s” on the lay. Where is the Blue, who that truncheon should use ? Off to the Boat Race, to guard other Blues! O BE SOLD, the whole of the Stock-in-Trade, Appliances, and Inventions of a Successful Austhete, who is retiring from busi- is will include a large Stock of faded Lilies, dilapidated ong-haired le Poems, and a number of ipt Work, entitled well-used Dadoes, sad-coloured Draperies, blue China, and brass Fenders. . : To shallow-pated, Sabby yous Men with no education, who are table business which requires no capital ious know! of an: , this resents an ul’ opportunity. No reasonable offer ply in the first instance to Messrs. JUCKLEMORE AND JALLIWACK, citors, Chancery Lane.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — [Marcu 31, 1883, —_ oft om rl ty || agian } Hi pall PRIA Mtn rh ty i dun! i] =) » h jill o a i pris ! | | "hy, i i toniitong ER were ACT Vier yy " yp = LEE 7 “I Wane lO MUSE Foti) | mn) Hi) | Wy 4 ul ON fii) we en! y Gilt Sor s us| iy Ys 4 STAM) YW Y V/. 4 y ‘“ A REMONSTRANCE. Retiring Old Gent (who had evaded the Income-tax for years, and been ‘* brought to book” at last). ‘* Wein, I CAN JUST MANAGE IT THIS TIME; BUT, LOOK HERE, YoU MUST INFORM HER Magesty THAT IN FouTuURE, 'PO'’ MY WORD, SBE REALLY | British Sport. They are pene not ‘* Blue Rocks.” MUSTN’T COUNT UPON ME AS A Source oF INcomE!” SAGE GREEN. (By a Fading-out isthete.) My love is as fair as a lily flower. (The Peacock blue has a sacred sheen ') Oh, bright are the blooms in her maiden bower. (Sing Hey! Sing Ho! for the sweet Sage Green!) Her face is as wan as the water white. (The Peacock blue has a sacred sheen !) Her eyes are as stars on a moonlit night. (Sing Hey ! Sing Ho! for the sweet Sage Green !) The China plate it is pure on the wall. (The Peacock blue has a sacred sheen !) Alack! she heedeth it never at all. (Sing Hey! Sing Ho! for the sweet Sage Green !) The heart of the damozel is full fain, (The Peacock blue has a sacred sheen !) With languorous loving and purple pain. (Sing Hey! Sing Ho! for the sweet Sage Green !) And woe is me that I never may win ; (The Peacock blue has a sacred sheen /), For the Bard’s hard BP and she’s got no tin. (Sing Hey ! Sing Ho! for the sweet Sage Green !) A Board-School Accomplishment. Waar a remarkable omission in the New Education Code has been unaccountably overlooked by its framers! They have made careful and ample provision for the instruction of the juvenile masses in music. Should they not also have taken the necessary order to cause the children of the Million to be taught dancing ? ‘A lively measure ”’ of this sort will evidently be necessary for their proper elevation to the level of polite Society, which, of course, will —— in being supplied with footmen and other servants all really capable of elegantly ——— attendance. For that purpose steps must be en. COLOURABLE, A Sportine Paper says it sees ‘‘ rocks ahead” for Or was it a misprint for ‘* rooks AN EASTER HOLIDAY IN PARIS. (Mems. from the Diary of « Home-Ruler.) Monday.—Commencement of the Easter recess. Arrived in Paris safe and sound. Precious glad to be here, as my blundering fellow countrymen are always making awkward mistakes. As it was, during the passage between Dover and Calais, I found one of these donkeys taking aim at me with a revolver from under cover of the paddle-box. hen I remonstrated with him, he apologised, and said he took me for quite a different Gentleman. Of course, we know nothing about these mysterious bands, or rather we know they do not exist, but still I do wish they would be more careful! It’s false economy to employ illiterate avengers because their services can be procured cheaply. Tuesday.—Took a walk in the Rue de Rivoli, and was accosted by two men, who asked me “Sif I happened to be Mr. Grapsrone P” Replied, ‘‘ Certainly not.” They told me that they were delighted to hear it, as they had received instructions to stab the PREMIER to the heart, and were unwilling to make mistakes. Can’t understand the matter at all. Called upon M. Hener pe Rocuzrort, and repeated to him a speech I had composed to be delivered after the recess. He expressed. himself delighted with it. This was ver gratifying and flattering. The more so as the speech was idiculll in English, and Hewnret only speaks French. em home to m hotel, found a string of men standing in a row. They all had r flags. One of them asked me if I happened to be Sir Wimt1am Haxcovat, as if I were he and his companions were to signal to one another my approach by waving their banners. Assured him I was not Sir Witi1am Harcourt, but can’t make out what it all means. Wednesday.—Met a few of my colleagues, and determined to doa little business: ‘Talked over the wrongs of Ireland for five minutes, and then practised the national jig. Adjourned to pay a call upon certain of the fair sex. Behaved in the most elegant manner. As we were dancing the jig we had practised in the morning, and just as we and the Ladies were warming to the work, half the house Was blown down by dynamite. Hurried into the street to see what was the matter. Very angry. Fellow countryman most apologetic. Said that he and his mates had mistaken one of our number for a Cabinet Minister. Well, what if he did? Most extraordinary! Why blow up the house on that account? Fairly puzzled! Thursday.—Another meeting with my colleagues. Put to the vote—politics or beauty? Decided unanimously in favour of the latter. Had a fine time of it entirely. Accompanied distinguished members of the fair sex to Versailles. Vastly polite to the member eculiarly hypothecated to me. Was careful, however, to draw the ine. Did not wish to have the pain of refusing her. Coming back to Paris, train left the line. y is terribly frightened, but not hurt. Individual in a disguise-cloak apologised. He said he thought that our fair companions were English Ladies. Hence the mistake. He wouldn’t have murdered an Irishwoman to save his life. What could he mean ? Friday.—When we were breakfasting quietly at the Grand Hotel, the entire floor mounted en masse like a balloon, and carried us into the Champs Elysées. Gentleman in a black mask profuse in his apologies. Some mistake. They had been tempted to do it by seeing a large family party of English children entering the saloon. Were unaware of our presence. Very angry. Man in mask reto They hadn’t had an advance for a long time! What did he mean? He said that he and his mates were not going to do all the dirty work, while we—— Left him at this point, as he was evidently becoming offensive. However, thought it advisable to leave Paris immediately. i Saturday.—Back in London. Ready for the next Parliamentary campaign. Outrages going on right and left. Don’t, of course, know in the least who the “‘ misereants” are. .But they must be sharp fellows to think of such clever things. Funds of the in satisfactory condition. But still these outrages are terrible. so wonder who are the organisers. —— @ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders / SPER eee €=baebres ebeseseeseeu

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Arai 7, 1883.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 157

a] Mur, Wn, " N “\he Vie \" y~ t/ / nH, ‘ VY y / ™ th % Y / Moen “yy Y)) ! (UK <a), BS) NVILIAN ‘ i : Te nN f y - * wy, ESAS \ SY \ — AN) 5°. Sh ~ Pe a4 PUAN / : J ¥, POLS, Mr I gn ~ NT El Mag Au IAs i HA 11 ee a ee NATURE’S PUZZLES. **Hark, Tommy! Do you HEAR THE Cuckoo?” **Yxs; BuT I DON’T SEE THE CLOCK ANYWHERE !”’

A REAL EASTER HOLIDAY. I was enabled on Friday, through the great kindness of two of the sons of friendly Councillor of whom I have had so often to speak, to enjoy on our noble river, distinguished by our poets for ages past as the ‘‘ Silver Thames,” aday of the simplest and purest enjoyment. We started at about ten o'clock, after a copious breakfast, and boldly walked to Mortlake. It is many years since I accomplished so herculean a feat—ex pede Herculem is, I think, the correct quotation here—and proud enough I felt at its accomplishment, and truth compels me to add, tired enough too. However, a capital but economical dinner at a neighbouring inn, the closed doors of which flew open like magic at the word ‘‘ Travellers,” soon set me to-rights, and we sauntered down to the river, and chartered a boat. I believe ‘‘ chartered” is the correct phrase, and We were, consequently, the charter-parties ; and it being my first appearance meee cetecter, I of course endeavoured to look as much like a charter-party ible. We started in a blaze of hot sunshine, which was, however, prevented from ing too oppressive by about the sharpest and keenest North-Easter that I lever experienced. My two youthful companions rowed, of course, and for the first time in all my chequered existence, undertook to steer. So gas our course was quite clear, this did not seem a very difficult or com- operation. I had only to keep her nose straight, I was told, and I was sire to be right. I, of course, had not the remotest idea whose nose was to be i srsight, or how:I was to accomplish this necessary operation; but I found if I pulle both the strings as hard as I could, ,all seemed right, and so I continued doing till my arms ached again. when we got further up the river, what with the sun, and the East wind, ind the other boats that would keep getting in our way, and would keep shout- ing out, Where are you coming to, stupid?” ‘‘ Does your mother know you’re out?” and other similar domestic inquiries, I got quite confused, and er the wrong string by mistake, nearly got under the ‘‘ bough,” I think they it of what seemed to me quite a gigantic steamer ; however, with that presence of _ that rarely forsakes me for long, by pulling violently at the other string, lenmased to run our boat right ashore, when, of course, we were safe. ad Noticing for some time past that the water was rising rather rapidly in our boat, and I now called my companions’ attention to the strange fact, and to the rather singular effect thereof, that my boots were pecan gd wet through. Upon examination it was discovered that the boat was leaking badly, but this seemed but a very trifling matter to my young friends, for, jumping on to the adjacent mud- and calling to me to follow, we soon hauled our outrigger ashore, cleared her out, turned her over, launched her , and there we were, “‘as right as ninepence,” as [ was informed by our bough oar. My utter inexperience of nautical phraseology prevents me from thoroughly understanding how right ninepence is generally considered to be, but as I was at that particular moment sitting with a blazing sun right in my eyes, and a cutting North-Easter right in my left ear, and a wet steering-rope in each cold d, with my boots full of muddy water, and my best trousers coated with black mud nearly up to the knees, I think I would rather not learn from a bitter experience what it is to be as right as a shilling, _ Our four hours’ row, which, under my somewhat trying circumstances might have ay “a just a trifle monoto- nous, was agreeably varied by the necessity under which we found ourselves of running ashore on two other occa- sions for the purpose of again smatying, our leaky boat. On remonstrating somewhat severely with the eminent boat-builder from whom we had chartered our treacherous craft, he coolly informed us that ‘‘as it was the werry first time she had been out since she was laid up for the jg was half afeard as she might just weep a little. _ We left him and his weeping outrigger, looking as indignant as it is well ible to look with one’s boots and trousers smothered, so to speak, with Thames mud, and again sought refuge in our friendly inn, where a liberal tea warmed and refreshed us, and enabled us to make light of our threefold escape. My young friends seemed to think it gare the one touch of adventure neces- sary to a perfect day’s amusement, and I have but little doubt that repeated experiences of the same kind might at len succeed in convincing me that, to walk seven or eight miles on a stretch, and then to sit for four mortsi hours in a small, leaky boat, without even the ordinary luxury of a cushion, in a bitter Easterly wind, pulling with unaccustomed hands at two small ro e8, with your boots filled with muddy water, and your best trousers plastered with Thames mud, and with all the anxiety necessarily resulting from the responsibility of knowing that you are the only one on d who knows which way you are going, or by what dangers you are surrounded, at once satisfactorily answer the oft-repeated question, ‘‘ How to spend a Happy Day.” Aw OUTSIDER.

THE DUTCHMAN’S BIG DOG. (Eant Gper’s VERSION.) Boer sings— Ox where and oh where is my big Bulldog ? Oh where and oh where can he With his Su-ze-rain-ty and his Con-ven-ti-on, Oh where and oh where is he ? They set him to watch me, my tricks for to stop ; Oh where and oh where can he be ? But I guess he will never catch me on the hop, And his bark is all fiddlededee. I call him my dog, he would scare me, but can’t ; I whistle, he’ll come, you will see, With his tail ’twixt his legs, and his ears on the slant, As docile a dog as can be. My big Bulldog cannot know what he’s about, e seems in a bit of a fog. If the dog were the stronger, he’d rule me, no doubt. As it is, I shall just rule the dog. Oh where and oh where, &c.

A Lrrrzz Game or Croxe, Eo ?—The Archbishop of Cas Dr. Croke, has subscribed handsomely to the ** Parnell Testimonial.” His Grace’s title should be, Archbishop of Cash-ill applied. The Thirteenth Lro

will roar; but not with laughter.

VOL. LXXxIv. 4

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aram 7, 1883, _ —_—__. —— Distinguished Statesman (nervously). Oh, please, Sir, I don’t want| D. S. (crossing out suggestion). Then a emall duty on Cartes de Visue, to disturb you, but the Grand Old—I should say the Premrer—said| Mr. P. Now that Professional Beauties are out of fashion, won't I was to read you the rough draft of my financial statement, and—— roductive. Out with it! be aoe ry t P Mr. P. Ah, to be sure—the Budget! Fire away, then—as you| JD. &. (erasing). Then I thought a small impost upon Theatrical =e to say at the War Tickets—— Office. ‘ 8. Ah! I liked Pall Mall so much better than Whitehall! I| Mr. P. Certainly not, Sir! The Public pay enough for their do so miss the armour I used to borrow from the Tower. places already. Away with it!

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oe Arai. 7, 1883,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. D. S. (erasing). Then it seemed to me that, perhaps, if Aérated Waters—— r. h, leave ‘“‘the Mashers”’ alone for the present. I have dealt with them. D. 8. (erasing). Then I thought if we taxed the Advertisements, especially those on the hoardings. Mr. P. You wouldn’t do much harm ? Well, it was tried years ago, in the papers, and wasn’t popular. Cross it out. D. S. (erasing). then it seemed to me that, as there were such a lot of them, if we taxed the Volunteers—— Mr. P. Why, you would set the country in a blaze! Out with it, Sir; out with it! I sup you couldn’t fet the War Office out ar head ! ell, go on. D.S. bpm I can’t go on. I have crossed out everything. Mr. P. Well, Guapstonr Junior, you have made a nice mess of it! However, as I have a spare ten minutes, I will set it right for you. : : D. S. ( ae on his knees). If the grati- tude of a life !—— [Scene closes in upon Mr. Puncu good- humouredly altering the Budget to the form in which it w to be presented to the House of Commons. PLIMSOLL’S PAN. Sine Ventilators! popular sell To put down spouting-shaft ! Conspiracy of the lounging Swell ! Nobdom’s cant and craft! The working-man they do not love, They ’d stop the holes that blow, That they may idly lounge above Whilst labour chokes below. Infernal stink? Infernal rot! A mere occasional puff Of sulphur-fume and steam-spray hot ! Out on esthetic stuff ! They ’d Prig **the people’s pleasure- ground, In which to stroll and trifle, And whilst at ease cavorting round, Care not that thousands stifle. The Railway is the People’s friend, The Swell the People’s foe ; So long as blow-holes he can end He does not care a blow. Tf Railways cannot breath-room give Without sane, why, Better that labouring men”should live, Though trees and flowers should die. And if you say that on that ‘*‘ If” sorts of questions hinge ; Not logic plus a sulphur-whiff Can make a zealot cringe. HOME COMFORTS. _ THE following is a puzzle which appears in the Daily Telegraph (March 26th) :— Bo4kD and RESIDENCE, South Kensing- ton. Near park, museum, rail, and omni- bus. Bath room. Home comforts. Terms for partial from 18s. ; full from 21s.; married couple, two guineas. Carpet dances. Now, partial home comforts at eighteen appears reasonable, but full home comforts at a guinea is decidedly cheap. The final sentence puzzles us altogether, Carpet dances.” “Does it, indeed? Is this one of the “‘home comforts”? Possibly e tables turn, the chairs chevy one an- tec oad on 2 ap ——. : thaps be somewhat perplexing, all this frivolite of furniture, after a time. Possibly we have ‘made a mistake, and that t dances” is a misprint for Carpe ° at binnagees lili bi Picavicawine Wi OWL HE tee toe wa noe SKINTICHTOUR SOW Tt AM tap Wa Gnd. fie “SERVICE GOING TO THE—” Customer. ‘‘Drp You sEE THE New Re&GIMENT MARCH IN YESTERDAY ? o’ Men ” (Barber sniffs depreciatingly.) SPOKEN OF AS ONE OF THE CrackK——” Barber. ‘*’Poor Lot, I raney, Sir! COLONEL SHAVES HISSELF !!” A FINE BODY ‘*En? Way, I'vz ALWAYS HEARD THE 150TH [Js lathered. ALL GROW THEIR BEARDS; AND I’VE HEARD THE THeEaTRicaL Mems.—The Rector at the Court got it hot all round from the Critics. Mr, Prxzro has, we hear, seen the error of his way, and has rectorfied his mistake. The acting is said to be very good. We shall see.——Among the numerous Matinées at the Gaiety are two of considerable interest ; one when Vice Versd is to be played, and the other is Miss Lixpiey’s Matinée, when this Lady is to appear as Countess d’ Autreval in T. W. RoBeRtson’s Ladies’ Battle, and a yonte Irish Gentleman, Mr. H. F11z-Parrick, is to essay the part of Pat McNoggerty in That Rascal Pat. A new delineator of Irish character is a rarity, and will be a great attraction for this entertainment, which should be called a Matinée and a Patinée. It is on the Thirteenth. Opera Comique. Bondage, last Saturday, proved to be a dull translation from the French by a ‘‘ well-known London Author,” whose name did not appear. This was wise; had none of the Actors appeared, and the piece itself not been pro- duced, it would have been still wiser.

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* PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arrm 7, 1883, SKETCHES FROM “BOZ.” (Adapted to Well-known Characters. ) Ep ic — DomsBEY AND Son. — THE SOCIETY DRAMATIST. THE rpm | Dramatist has an enormous advantage over his pro- fessional brethren. He is so thoroughly conversant with the manners and customs of the haut ton, that he can represent polite society as it really is, Mr. Sonzetan Typre has forwarded to us the following specimen of refined Comedy which, he says, was played with enormous success at the Duke of Brickwatt’s Theatre last week :— LOVE AND WAR. A Comepy in THREE AcTS, DRAMATIS PERSONZ. Lord ARDoURY. Colonel ReernaLp Durnine Loveron (retired). Captain ALGERNON STAsELY. Captain CHartxs STARCHLEY. Lady Arpoury. Mrs. Racksworts Jongs (of Pillmoney, a rich Widow). Act) I.—July. The landing and entrance to the ball-room at Princes’ Gate, the town residence of Mrs. RackswoRtH JonEs. To the right ts a Footman, who is announcing the guests, Mrs. R. J. is standing right-centre with a magnificent bouquet. In the centre are two large candelabra, with flowers, §c. To the left ts another entrance, through which can be seen portion of t suite of rooms 4 la Renaissance. The band is playing, in the distance, one of WALDTEUFEL’S waltzes, and the dancers can be seen. The faint cries of the linkmen heard without :—‘‘ Coming in!” ** Coming out !” “‘ Lord RiaHttann’s Servant !” §c., §e. Enter, from left, Captains SrancHLEY and STasEty. Starchley. Do you know what time the supper-room will be open ? Stasely. One o’clock, I think. It now wants ten minutes to. Star. I say, those are awfully good collars of yours! They are much higher than mine, _ Stas. They are good. I got them in the Burlington. They have little slots at the side to keep the tie down. Shows collar. Star. An a dodge. Here comes Lady Arpoury. No mistake about her bei be beautiful woman. Stas. She only made her débé¢ last season. Star. Yes. Ma: his Lordship six months ago, and was the centre of attraction at the Queen’s last ball. Enter Lady Arpoury with Partner (1.). She stops to speak to STARCHLEY and SrasExy, and the Partner returns to ball-room. Footman (R.) announces “Colonel Loveron.” Enter Colonel Re@inatp Dunnine Loveton. Mrs. Racksworth Jones (shaking hands with him). How late you are | Col. Loveton. So Couldn’t get away from the Dress- sorry. BoroueHs’ before. The Royalties stayed so late. What a pretty ball you have ! Mrs. R. J. Yes. It is pretty. Col, Z. Who is the beautiful woman talking to SraRncHiEy ? = Mrs. R. J. Lady ARDOoURY. Col. L. Wife of *“‘ Trssy” Anpoury. Iknowhim. He used to shoot with us at my uncle’s place at Mac! is. Do introduce me to her, : [Mrs. R. J. crosses the Stage, and introduces him to Lady Arpoury. She bows. Col. I. I know Lord Anpoury well. Lady A. Oh, yes! I’ve heard him speak of you. Col. Z. The supper-room is open. May I take you down P [Lady Arnpoury bows, and exit, with Col. L. (B.), followed by Captains STaARCHLEY and SrasELy. Mrs. R. J. (in despair). He does not love me. I am resolved! As he will not Jove me, he shall fight me! (Curtain. End of Act I. (Interesting so far, isn’t it ?) Act II.—October. Conservatory and entrance-hali at Deery Park, Lord Arpoury’s Country seat. Through the door at back is seen a barouche. Coachman on box talking to Groom. Footmen with rugs, sunshades, Sc. Enter Lady Anpoury and Mrs, RackswortH JongEs, equipped Sor driving. Lady A. (to Footman), Kent—fetch Connus. (Ezit Servant.) Will you get into the carriage first P—I must wait for Connus. (Mrs. R. J. exit through door at back, and gets into carriage, Re-enter Kent, the Footman, with Connus, a pug-dog. Lady A, Kent, put the dog in carriage. [Exit Footman through door at back, Col. LovEeton, in shooting costume, suddenly appears from behind a palm-tree, Col L. (to Lady A.). Make some excuse not to go. I must see you —and alone. Hush! Here comes SrarcHiry and Srasety. Send them for the drive. I will explain all! [ Disappears behind palm-tree, Enter Captains SrancHLEy and SraseEty. Lady A. Will you oblige me by driving with Mrs. Racksworta Jones. I cannot go. Iam not well. Make my best excuses to her. [She sits on blue-china stool, (u.). Exeunt STARCHLEY and SrasEty at back. They are explaining, then get into car- riage, which drives off. Lady A. What can he mean ? Re-enter Col. LovEton. Col. I. Lady Anpoury—F repErica—I love you! Lady A. Love me! Oh, Colonel Loveron, is this honour ? Col. Z, All is fair in Love and War, and thts is Love ! [ Curtain. End of Act II. (Exciting, isn’t it?) Act IIl.—The same day. Night. Scunz—The colonnade and lawn outside Deery Park. Easy chairs, Scinde rugs, §c. carefully arranged, To the left are Captains StaRcHLEY and SrasELy at small table, playing ‘‘ Spilitkins.” To the right are Lord Axpoury and firs. RacxswortH Jones at another table with coffee. Lord ARrpouRy 1s smoking a cigar, and Mrs. R. J. a cigarette. Through the French windows under colonnade in centre can be seen the interior wv the drawing-room. lety Anpovry ts at piano, playing ‘‘ My Queen” waltz softly. LoveTon leaning over piano talking to her. Mrs. R. J. (to Lord _A.). I don’t think I ever thanked you for that charming box of Egyptians. : Lord A, Oh! Rs you did, indeed. I feared you would not like them, as wi had no mouthpiece. . Mrs. R. J. Indeed! I don’t like the as. Well, as I was saying, Col. LoveTon is no fit guest for you. He has been compelled to resign from the Turf, and mark—even now—his attentions to Lady Arpoury. J¢ will end when the clock strikes eleven ! ! Col, L. (to Lady A., who has stopped playing). Oh! play that again. I could listen to you for ever. Lady A, What! when you think of Rusmstzms? ; Col. L. But I don’t! (Sentimentally.) What is his studied manipulation to your inspired feeling? He works hard—you play soft. He fancies he plays—you play his fancies. Oh, FREpERICcA! he may be a learned Do enn you are — perfection. Capt. Starchley. You moved three or four of the spillikins then. Capt. Stasely. No; I didn’t! Capt. Starchley. Yes; you did! Capt. prem I don’t think I did. Capt. Starchley. I fancied you did; but I may be weet. , Mrs. R. J. Hark! (The clock strikes eleven.) The end has come: Enter Detective, hurriedly. He goes to SraRcHLEY, and takes him by the s In shaking off the Detective, the table is upset. Detective. Colonel Loveton, I believe ? Starch. Wrong again, old Sportsman ! rr Stasely. Confound you! You’ve upset our spillikins, our game. : Starch, Perhaps you’ll pick ’em up. and spoiled

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i le, it el “= oa ft « Aprit 7, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Detective. Very sorry, Gentlemen. But I see my man. [Exit into drawing-room, and arrests Colonel Loveton. All come forward. ; 4 Detective. It’s all over, Colonel MatcueER, alias Captain TenTER, alias Colonel Reamnatp Dunnine Loveton. Col. Loveton. FrepErica—I can explain all! Lord Ardoury. Lady Arpoury, if you please. Lady Ardoury. My husband, I never knew how much I loved you tillnow! [SraRcHiEy and SrasEty retire, and pick up the spillikins, Col. Loveton (to Mrs. R. J.). This is your doing. You promised never to betray me. ow Mrs. R. J. All is fair in Love and War, and this is War! Curtain, Extract from Next Morning Paper’s Criticism, or from some remarks by an ‘‘Old Playgoer.”’—‘' That Mr. SongETan TyprIe, the Author of this clever Comedy, Love and War, can write brilliant dia- logue is evident from the witty: passages with which this play abounds ; but his aim has been to give us true pictures of the fashion- able society of the day, and in this Mr. SonzETan TyDIg, being an acute observer, and himself a notable figure in the beau monde which he delineates, has been exceptionally successful.” THE NEW COLOUR FOR THE ARMY. (Extracts from the Note-Book of our Extra Special Experimentalist,) 12 Noon.—Well, here we are at Flatfoot Flats, with telescopes, spectacles, and measures complete. Obeyed our orders in every detail. The Professor and myself are determined to sift the matter yy and not to accept evidence at second- hand. We have got a Metropolitan Policeman in blue, a Volunteer in grey, and a Militiaman in scarlet. Easily find out for ourselves which is the best colour. Soon see which is most con- spicuous at a distance. The Professor not only scientific but thoughtful. As it is blowing hard, and feels bitterly cold, he has brought with him a large stone jar of whiskey. We have just Dy had a mug of it each, and are all the better for it. The Policeman, Volunteer, and Militiaman are waiting for our orders. 1P.mM.—So far we have not obtained any very valuable result, We started our three colour-wearers from our post of observation, and told them to walk slowly away. To our great surprise they became invisible almost immediately. By the aid of a telescope we made out what we believed to be the Policeman at about a thousand yards’ distance. Subsequently, it turned out that what we had taken for the constable was a windmill. In like manner, a goose passed for the Militiaman, and a donkey for the Volunteer. How- ever, the test was scarcely a fair one. It appears that immediately after leaving us, our three assistants, instead of following out our instructions, adjourned to a public-house, where we found them a little ter. We were very much annoyed, and would have been seriously angry had not the whiskey proved an excellent protector from the severity of the weather. itis wonderful what a lot of ardent spirit you can consume in a strong rarefied shnophes when you have the chance—I should say when Science demands the sacrifice. 2 p.M.—Really very much annoyed. Policeman and Militia- man had to take Volunteer to station-house. This disgraceful, as Scientists should keep sober. Policeman and Militiaman came back. Both of them were more than one. Brought other people—somehow. Don’t quite know why—but that’s idea. Pro- essor and I had more whiskey. Keeps out cold. Colour of Police- man, blue—Militiaman don’t quite know what to say. Looked for them all over the place, then found them fast asleep out of sight. his playing fool—don’t know ? : 2°30 P.M.—Lost Policeman. Don’t know what become him. Militiaman (good fellow, Militiaman) awfully sorry. He weeps like child. So does Professor; sodoI. Saddest thing in life ! had whiskey, Keep cold out. So unhappy! © ; 3 P.M.—Dishided! -Meantersay—de-ci-ded! Decided! Know what about! Shouldshayso! Likersee man say don’t! Won’t be inshulted! Going home! What’s staying? Finished whiskey ! -out! But say, oldf'la! Old f'la—wan’t dishision? Red’s est colour! Can’t shee Milishman two yards’ distance! Dish- — Hang it all! Can’t shee him’t all! Best colour! Course! Very ’tigued! Going home! Bed in boots !—— [At this point the MS. breaks off. Morro ror THE MumBiEs.—More foresight, and less “* forsite.’’ reduced to sixpence. ] A Srxrennry Tele It passed in the And be any me And cut in THE SIXPENNY “WIRE.” [Dr. Cameron carried a resolution in the House on Thursday night to the effect that the minimum charge for Inland Postal Telegrams should be ! CaMERON won; : mmons, and now the trick ’s done ; of weal or of woe, No shilling ’s required, for a “‘ tizzy”’ twill go ; And all but the Post-Office clerks will admire That boon to the public—a Sixpenny ‘‘ Wire.” So now, when you think that you'll dine at the Club, J perchance at the casual ‘‘ rub,” A sixpence is all that in future you’!1 spend To make known to your wife that you ’re ‘‘ kept by a friend,” But she needn’t sit up, for that nurses her ire ; And you’ll soon say it all with a Sixpenny ‘‘ Wire.” So cheap will the ms be, that in time The lover will send off sixpenn’orths of rhyme: Oh pet at each long hour of absence I groan Send but twenty dear words just to comfort your own Thus the poet, you see, sweeps the Post-Office lyre, And he’ll get it all in to a Sixpenny ‘‘ Wire.” The rise and the fall of the Stocks and the Shares, The Bank-rate, the tricks of the Bulls and the Bears, The orders for dinners, for boxes and stalls For coals and for claret, for dresses, for balls, In short all tha: t woman or man can desire, Will soon be obtained by a Sixpenny “‘ Wire.’’ THe New Senteres.—The Sentries at the New Law Courts are meee every morning regularly. On inquiry at St. Martin’s-le- d, Our Reporter was unable to ascertain at what hour a Sentry, — in the Strand, would be delivered in the City, One of the uties of the Sentries at the New Law Courts is to assist any Judge, when called are exonerated from Sentry duty. upon to do so, in charging a Jury. He will urge upon them the legal point of the bayonet. The few remaining Serjeants ENGLAND’S INVISIBLE ARMY. \? rt = => + ate, British GRENADIER. (After a design by Professors Abel and Stokes. ) A WILL AND A WAY. Ir cannot, be denied t there is some justice in a portion of the plea he put forward at your Exeter |: mi s. You said that “no doubt they were nuisances ; but until a better mode of ven- tilating the District Railwa could ‘“*they should not be removed. Very well; but has not such a mode of ventilating a Railway much more difficult to ventilate than the District Railway been already found? Couldn’t Sir E. Watkin point it out to you? The.p Railway under the Channel, if made, will have to be ventilated somehow without chimneys, and can’t he tell how P If he can, let that method of ven- ses fe Dee te 0} with, an en the chimneys on the Thames En- bankment closed immediately. Osrrvuary Norice.—The Month | of March expired peacefully last |; Saturday, the 31st, notin the least | regre by anyone who had known him. After a stormy career, his end was lamblike. Sic transit, March past. Mr. PLIMsoLt, |: found,” you contended,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Appin 7, 1883, THE ANGLO-SAXON COMPLEXION. Frau von Schmeiligrath, “Ach! Hiaue.! Mister Caonzs! Vat PEavrTiFUL Hipzs THEY HAF, THE YOUNG ENKLISH Misszs ?” ST. STEPHEN’S FERRY. Am—‘‘ Twickenham Ferry.” O-HoI-yE-H0, Ho-ye-ho! Who’s for the Ferry ? (The Almond’s in blossom, and Eastertide’s o'er.) And I’ll row ye so quick in my craft new and steady, And ’tisn’t a mile to St. Stephen’s shore. The Ferryman’s stout if he’s not very young, And a mill-race at flood is a fool to his tongue ; He hasn’t an equal at handling a wherry, And well he is known on St. Stephen’s shore. O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho!!! O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho! ‘* We’re for the Ferry.” Hw Almond’s in blossom, and Eastertide’s o'er.) **1t’s late for a start, and you see we are many; And all of us bound for St. Stephen’s shore. They are some of ’em little, and some of ’em big, Enough to o’erburden a long eight-oared gig, And they ’re all in a hurry and anxious—oh, very!” ** And sure and ye’re welcome,—J’Il take ye all o’er.” O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho! ! ! O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho! They are late for the Ferry. (The Almond’s in blossom, and Eastertide’s o'er.) He pulls pretty quick, and he pulls pretty steady But waiting their turn seems slow work and a bore. O-hoi, and O-ho! he —- A pull with a will, The craft is a new one, the sculler has skill, Yet with room for but two in the stern of his wherry, ’Twill take him some time ere they ’re all safe ashore. O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho! ! ! Br a Westminster ScHOLAR WHO KNOWS SOMETHING ‘““ KNIGHTS AT THE PLAY.” Tus is not a propos of Mr. Durron Coox’s latest work on the Drama, but of the onion: recently made in 7ruth that Mr. Henry Irvine should be knighted, as “‘a compliment to the entire Theatrical Profession.’’ This is, ina — ways true,—as coming from Truth it should be; but were a leader of the Chancery Bar to be made a Baronet, it would directly be a compliment to that branch of the legal profession ; and so a Knighthood for Mr. Irvine would be a direct compliment to the Tragic and Melodramatic branches of the Theatrical Profession with which he is more inti- mately associated. At all events, to knight Mr. Irvine would be no direct compliment to Mr. J. L. Tootz, whom we must take as repre- senting the Low Comedy vay orem nor would it be, directly, a compliment to Mr. Harry Payne, who now represents the Panto- mimic Art, which, indeed, may well claim to the very Dag stem of all Theatrical Art. Arise then, Sir Henry Invine; arise, Sir Joun LAWRENCE TOOLE ; and arise, Sir Harry Payne, the last to wear the order of the noble House of Grimatpi. Sir Juirus, we believe, still has his ‘* Benefit Concert,’’ so in the Theatrical Profession it will not be derogatory to the new titles to advertise “‘The Benefit Knights.” But how about the Ladies? ‘‘ The spindle-side’’ must be i Is it to be Baroness ELLEN TERRY and Baroness NELLIE FaARREN? We submit the question to Garter King of Arms, and the Authorities of the Heralds’ College. not a branch but At the Archbishop of Canrersury’s Enthronisation, there were some few of the Clergy “‘ indulging,” said the Daily —_ report, ‘*in vestments of a more or less pronounced character.” What on earth does this mean? We are looking forward with interest to some pic- torial — ation of these strange garments in the Illustrated papers this week. In the same account we read how ‘‘ some brass instru- ments, in the hands of liced musicians, added greatly to the musical effect””—but probably not to the picturesqueness. A man In a surplice blowing an ophicleide or working at a trombone must have ABOUT THE SracEr.—Mightn’t Epea pteroenta, Wh > a words,” be fairly | had translated, or adapted, as ‘* Prompter’s cues ” rather a comic appearance, but the artful Reporter takes care not to mention this. *(*bor)\) MVEA KUMS \t | alAALVI AO AANOOS—(4P2"*7)—O04K AO IOT AHL AUUNVO TI.I “NOLLVDIHIGC. NW .NOIENTIOANC. WITLI WY TTWO KWW NOX IWUA UIITA..

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PUNCH,.OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aprit 7, 1883. W Was TUG ALWa toy a ST. STEPHEN’S FERRY. Ferrrman (log.). ‘‘ WITH WHAT YOU MAY CALL A LITTLE ‘ DEVOLUTION’ AND ‘ DIRIGATION,’ I’LL CARRY THE LOT OF YOU—(aside)—SOONER OR LATER!”

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Apri 7, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ) thd Juris House of Commons, Thursday, March 29.—Members met again to-day after Easter Holidays. Don’t look so pleased as they should. At first, little gleam of joy at discovery that Head- Master wasn’t present. But he came in towards six o’clock, and made a little speech on debate that happened to be to fore at the moment ; then, like a wise man, went off home. : . “ Just let people know I’m here, you see, ToBy,” said he. ‘‘ Curious it should have happened that debate on Woods and Forests going on when I looked in. Rather expected it would be something else. But doesn’t matter much, you know. Give me five minutes’ notice, and you may choose your own topic.” : Met General FreLpEn in Library, looking more woebegone than er people. : ve What ’s the matter, General ?”’ I asked, cheerily. ‘‘ Has some- one been republishing your speeches during electoral campaign ?” “No,” said the gallant General. ‘‘ Worse than that. I’ve gone out of the oratorical line. Haven’t opened my mouth since I came into the House. But energies must find some outlet. So I’ve gone intoliterature. Written an article for the April Nineteenth Century, called ‘‘ What Shall I Do With My Son?” By He “Capital subject. Specially interesting in domestic circles.” “Yes,” said the General, ruefully, ‘* that’s just where it’s created astir. The young dog says, if I don’t withdraw it, he’ll send one to the Fortnightly entitled, ‘ What Shall I Do With My Father.’ ” Only cheerful man about is the lighthearted O’SHza. Kilmainham mystery beginning to pall. Has taken up the Romance at the Fisheries. Insists upon knowing Home Szcrerary’s candid opinion of affair. “Home Secretaries never give candid opinions,” says Harcourt. ereupon O’SHEA pulls out pistol of Adjournment of House holds it at Hancourt’s head, and threatens to fire unless he replies. Sir Witi1am’s answer very neat. ‘‘ Account of the case rests,” he tays, “‘on statement of Lady Frorence Drxre. Investigations of the police have not resulted in discovering any further circumstance tion. “Very neat,” said Sir R. Cross, ‘'‘ Any further circumstance in rmation’ is good.” O'SHxA satisfied. Withdraws pistol, and exit Lady FLorEnce, tty joke in its way. But some jokes, like every dog, have their day, and this has had a week. : , Mr, ScHREIBER wants to fill up vacant panels in Centre Hall with Mosaic pictures of patron Saints of Ireland, Scotland, and Wales. George already there trampling down Dragon, whose silver gleam in the gaslight, House doubtful. Who would Mr. ER propose to represent the three countries? Mr S, thinks Morgan Lioyp done up in coat of mail might represent Wales. Gzorer BaLrour with claymore in hand and shield on arm would Tepresent Scotland. Whilst, of course, JoszPH GILLIs would repre- sent Ireland. Mr, CavENDISH BENTINCK opposes scheme altogether. ¢-work not true Art. ‘It’s rococo.” ammo (703) i022) om ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. a 1 St aS | ~——e. lied ; Si ——— UI SS i , \ H] f) HAT ETUDE OF THE HOUSE. (Before Prayers.) “Yah, yah, yah!” cries Alderman FowrEr. ‘‘ What is rococo?” he subsequently and confidentially asked Sir W. Lawson. _. “Capital beverage,” said the Hon. Bart. ‘‘ Strongly recommend it to you, Alderman. Absolutely pure, made only from the nibs, don’t you know.” ~- Alderman faintly said ‘‘ Yes.” But really distressed at his own rashness. ‘‘ Must be careful in future,” he said, smiting himself on the chest. ‘* Must restrain this too-ready cheer when Gentleman a from Front Bench. Rococoa, quotha! I suppose that’s what theyll fill the loving-cup with when the new Government of London comesin. Ho! ho!” House feared another explosion in Parliament Street. Only the Alderman scornfully smiling. Business done.— Discussed Civil Service Estimates. Prrer great at expenses in connection with Royal Palaces. LanoucHERE wants to know what becomes of the yearlings of the Royal stud-house. Ran- DOLPH inquisitive about eg in maintaining and repairing Marlborough House. Pounding away from Eight till Twelve. Alto- gether SHaw-LEFEVRE, in charge of votes, spent a bad quatre heures, Friday.—Mr. AnxtTHUR ARNOLD disclosed particulars of his Parlia- mentary Reform Bill to a listenmg Senate. Part of listening Senate undertaken, at short notice,, by eleven Gentlemen on the Liberal side, and thirteen on the other, including JoszrpH GixLIs, who remains in state of deep despondency. ‘** Rouse up, JosepH!’’Isaid. ‘* Get thee away to some place where the company is light-hearted, and the merry jest goes round.” “No, no!” said Jozy B. ‘‘ This suits me best. “Tis soothing and quiet, and, I dare say, instructive.” So JoserH sat through it all, and when, at twenty minutes to eight, the dreary performance came to an inevitable close, he was one of those whom the SPEAKER counted. **Did you see that?” he said, with something of old slyness. ‘* Speaker began to count from the Treasury Bench, and Harcourt only man there. Now we know who’s Number One,” Business done.—Night wasted. The Uniform of the Officer of the Future. | (With acknowledgments to Lord Wolseley’s Committee.) Full Dress for Service at Home.—Scarlet tunic, richly laced with gold braid seven inches deep. Bullion epaulettes, encrusted with gems. Overalls of cloth of silver. Cocked hats, with ostrich plumes of red, white and bluefeathers. Real ous belts, with silver seabbarded sword. Diamond spurs. White kid gloves, with hand-painted backs. Patent leather pumps and white silk stockings. Dress stick, with tur on eam 8 handle, and gold and enamelled toothpick. Full Dress for Service Abroad.—Sword, revolver, wideawake, grey tweed suit (as advertised), and regulation gingham umbrella.

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166 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arai 7, 1883,

PLIMSOLL’S PETITION In favour of the Underground Blow-Holes ! THosk Passengers who have hitherto signed this Petition to Parliament have been— 1. Epileptic Monomaniacs. 2. Confirmed thropes, who don’t want to use the Embankment Gardens them- selves, and don’t see why any- body else should. 8. Credulous individuals who really believe that the Metropolitan Railway Com- pany is spending its money in order to Senefit the public by better ventilation, instead of to get rid of the steam which interferes with the working of the signals. 4, ors out for a spree. 5. The workmen employed by the ventilating contractors. _ 6. The second cousins five times removed of the work- men 80 employed. 7. Infants in arms, 8. Their nurses. 9. Infants in intellect. 10. Their keepers. 11, Young females who have nothing better to do, and who would petition for a railway to the moon if requested. 12. Males who ought to have something better todo. _ 13. Persons to whom being asked to sign a Petition to Parliament addsabout fifty per cent. of personal importance. 14, Readers of s mny evening paper, who are con- vinoed that to be suffocated in a public garden, in order to save a Railway Company ex- pense, is one of the proudest rights of the down-trodden working-man, and 15. Persons who, being un- able to write, affix their (PLIMsoxLy’s) mark ! y N S S SS LY ** Hott-0, Boys, Hot.-o !

PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 130. FRANK HOLL, ESQ., R.A. (Elected Thursday, 29th March.) WATT’S THIS? How doth the little busy House Improve the Session’s hours, And Jon Bux1’s hopes betray ouse, Till Joun Butx’s forehead lours! How gkilfaly they plan their How neatly GLapDstone oe wax,” And labour hard, with groans and yells, And “bloc ” with stubborn backs. For works of labour and of 8 Each takes his seat or ™ ** screw,” hg But Jonw cannot help think- ing still His i ado.” < RRA

Black and White. Mr. Leieo Hont WaALzace, lecturing on ‘‘The Martyr- doms of Modern Dress,’ came to the conclusion that the colour of our dress should at all times be white! One feels disposed to exclaim, like Scott (with a difference)— *¢Q for one hour of WALLAcE white!” And of genuine British black fog also,—just to prove the exquisite compatibility of the two! Dames who have with WALLACE dressed, Dames by London smut-falls messed, Let your judgment be confessed. Chorus of Soiled Ones—Theory won't wash!!! HERE’s ANOTHER R.A!” But the garments would have to, or they would not Jong be whi

THE GOOD NEW TIMES, (A Cover-side Forecast for 1889.) Ir certainly promised to be the best meet of the season. _ Nota cloud in the sky; the as a flat-iron, and three inches and a half of rock-ice on every bit of water within twenty miles—it was just the sort of oye sporting weather to gladden the heart of a thorough-going old hedge-row Nimrod, like Sir Jonam Tantivvy. And as hecame quietly jogging up on his familiar white clock-work cob, wound up within an ace of bursting his spring, an involuntary shout of ‘‘ Yoicks, ye ho! Forrard!” went up from the assembled field. The old Baronet drew his blankets and hot bottles closer around him, and gave a friendly nod of recognition right and left with a sly twinkle in his eye. He was answered with a well- roar of laughter. “* Ready, as usual, for a snap wheel, and a five-hours’ stick on my side in a freezing turnip-field,” he said, with a cheery wink ; “‘and how are you, Lady Jxssre?” A neat little horsewoman waltzed up on a beautiful mechanical creature. F'RropsHaM’s well-known name was stamped over its eye, and as the fair Diana, dexterously screwed round its off ear, it gave a pretty wheeling stagger to the right, with a natural up-and-down steamboat motion that instantly elicited the admiration of the hunt. But at this moment all eyes were turned in another direction. With an uncontrolled rush a splendid electric bay had bowled in among the ri and knocking several over so that they lay on their sides, running down, with their legs = in the air, landed its owner with a sudden thud, thro e walls of a barn, into the midst of a haystack that fortunately happened to be standing on the other side.

*‘Confound it!’ said the latest comer, who was no other than Lord Spavin on his brand-new thorough-bred, Accumulator, ‘* the beast is always playing me that trick; and I thought I turned his tail the right way! By Jove, this comes of tooling out without the printed directions.” The Noble Sportsman wrenched with some uncertainty at the animal’s switch as he spoke. But he was again at fault. In another minute it had backed, with a shower of sparks, in a direct line straight right in among the dogs, and was only brought to a standstill inst the stump of a gigantic oak, between which and itself it sharply jammed the Vicar, who had been placidly watching the lively scene on his old-fashioned steam-mare, Boiler. There was a smart shock or two, an upset of red-hot cinders, an oath, and some burnt fingers and calves; but the field soon settled down to business, for the Master of the Hunt now joined the party with his mahogany box. “The new musical fox from Paris!” everybody shouted, as the welcome official _—_ produced the wonderful mechanical crea- ture, winding it up slowly as he advanced. ‘Tt plays three overtures, two sets of quadrilles, a polka, a waltz, and the ‘ ‘Dead March in Saul,’” he observed with some pride, as he set the carefully brushed but life-like brute in their midst, ‘* and s0, if by some mischance it runs to earth, we shall at least know where it is. Besides, it has a little fountain of superior Jockey-Club Bouquet in its forehead,” he added, at the same time turning on ® small silver stop-cock, cleverly placed near the creature's ¢l “Tally Ho! I fancy we can’t quite lose the Scent.” A delicious Bond-Street perfume ey ed the crisp cover-side air, as | overture to Zannhduser merrily tinkled out with pleasing precisian, Some of the pack howled, but another rapturous responsive — “* Yoicks!” showed with what a keen spor -like relish the appreciated these arrangements for a gloriousrun. It was a mo

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Apri 7, 1883.) L. SAY NOTHIN’—BUT—LOoR’ HOW THEY DID Lave!” Wy it hil Hn iN a 4 ha ST | al PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i ( {| AN | ‘ . a S i s oan. — ! |, BS Hy “a H fwruwn 90 WY }) } | iihh id Te Th } HH h Hh) 1) Wiel I | it | tH GRATIFYING ! Amateur Artist (to the Carrier), ‘‘ Dip You SEE MY PICTURE SAFELY DELIVERED AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY ?” Carrier. ‘‘ Yessir, AND MIGHTY PLEASED THEY SEEMED TO BE WITH IT—LEASTWAYS, IF ONE MAY JEDGE, Siz. THEY DIDN'T of thrilling excitement, and all, as if by a common instinct, gave their mechanical hacks a final screw. And now the pack and their medical adviser hurried to the front. They were a miscellaneous, but talented and highly-trained family, and were of all kinds and sizes. This was a natural result of the new condition of things. The old-fashioned foxhound was extinct. Declining, when the famous Bill passed, tofollowacross country a red- herring on a tricycle, the first roughly-suggested substitute for Reynard, he even showed greater someones to the more perfect and perfumed modern contrivance. So the Circus-monger had to take the matter in hand, and soon every hunting county was once more alive with the old hue and cry, though pitched in a somewhat different key. But the Skipley Poodles were famous from Warwick- shire to SANGER’s. And they were in full force to-day. Not that they all were of the famous moustachio’d and trimmed-tail breed. Among them were huge heavy-witted St. Bernards, over-fed Maltese, aged Sleuth Hounds, a retired Newfoundland or two, toothless Mastiffs, and a good average sprinkling of the common street-dog, ready to pick up a at anyhow from hand to month, and not above chasing a scent- bottle for a mile or two in the open, for the price of a pound of tripe at the finish. But the Skipley were popular. There were few of them that couldn’t shoulder a musket or walk on a barrel at a pinch. The Master of the Hunt gave them their tongue. They had it in the pe of sandwiches, and now they were ready. The Doctor took a last look at them. ‘A run this morning will not injure their health or affect their any oo he said, cheerily, ‘‘and I can sign the requi- site certificate or the officers of the Protection Society. -Houp-la! you go! In another second the mechanical fox had dashed forward with a sant springy whizz that set every sporting heart in the field ting twenty to the dozen. ‘‘ Forrard! Yoicks! Tally! tally-ho! e he goes!” and the pack, some curvetting, some jumping h imaginary hoops in the hedges, some even walking on their forelegs, but all rolling along in well-fed and highly-trained indif- ference at a comfortable pace, followed the ingenious toy with all the intelligent regularity of a three-hundredth-night’s performance. Not so the t sporting assemblage who hurried after them. Headed by the hard Sir Joram, these showed that, in them at least, the spirit of the ood New Days was not yet dead. At every fence, at every ditch, at every slight inequality of the ground, some county champion had come to grief. Here a burst spring, there an exploded boiler had done their work; while further afield some un- manageable bit of mechanism had carried its helpless rider across the lawn and into the breakfast-room of a country mansion, from which he could only retire with a hearty laugh, to be followed up however, by a threat of heavy damages from the exasperated owner. Still the fox, true to the prospectus of the inventor and patentee, kept on his way, and turning down a aqinnay. and still playing 1%e Lancers, headed away bravely for Combe Hanger Junction ; finally running to earth in the signal-switch, and by sticking between the points, stopping the 4°50 down express for a good three-quarters of an hour. The pack meantime, not caring much about the scent, had cleverly lost it at Friars-Minton, and ing for a cat’s-meat cart at Di gley Bottom, were only recovered in the course of the following week at the Dogs’ Home; while Lord Spaviy, who had a up with them by running Accumulator bac 8 with the safety-valve down, was ultimately blown through the roof of the Town-Hall at Little Pendleton, and coming down on the head of the Clerk, had a narrow escape with his collar-bone. And so ended a day of most enjoyable and delightful sport. . a * * a . THE INNS (AND OUTS) OF COURT. Ir has been arranged that the great Equity society will shortly migrate from its present quarters to Lincoln, while the two Temples ill return to Jerusalem. These moves will take place after es + _ to up its grand old site, and comes down to the Strand. But no’ ore !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Apri 7, 1883, Hohn Brotn, PERSONAL ATTENDANT TO HER MAJESTY QUEEN VICTORIA. Born December 8, 1826.° Diep Marca 27, 1883. “ How well in thee appears The constant service of the antique world! ’’ As You Like It, ActIlI.s. 3, Service of Kings not always in earth’s story Has been a badge of honour; gilded glory Of silken favourite dulls down to dust ; Devotion “neg ee sober, just, Lifts lowliest tendance to ennobling state. A good Queen’s faithful follower! His the fate To wear the honours of the antique school, Right Service, nobler than unrighteous rule. THE DOWAGER DUCHESS’S CAPRICE. An Uncommon ‘* Queer Story.” Lorp Haron held open the carriage-door for his Mother-in-law. ‘* Your boxes will be sent after you,” he said in a cold, formal way. Then the barouche rattled down the street, and he returned to the house, twirling his moustache with a sinister smile. His noble relative, however, as she was borne swiftly along by the family bays to a back street in Soho, had a different expression on her well-chiselled features. Her life in Belgrave Square had not been a pleasant one. There had been scenes. Rare china had been thrown about. Even the family diamonds had more than once been torn in half in an unseemly scuffle, and only last week, Mr. Purptz, the trusted and confidential business adviser of the ancient house, had been thrown, together with a draft copy of his own marriage-settlement, by Lord OLD, into the cistern. His Mother-in-law, who looked on, took it quietly. She merely said, ‘‘ You have degraded me; but I will pay you out.” Then she drove off to the back street in Soho. Her interview with Mr. Macriaeer, the celebrated Stage-trainer, was in every way satisfactory. ‘‘I understand your Grace thoroughly,” he said; ‘‘ you wish to show Society that you can not — lead but amuse it?” ‘‘Precisely.”” ‘‘ After three months’ study with me, you will be in a position to play Juliet—at a Matinée. You will probably be hooted. i ill guarantee you a six days’ engagement somewhere as Mrs. Bouncer. After that the matter really rests in your own hands; but. unless I am much mistaken in my tutorial powers, you will finish up as a Second Chambermaid in the Provinces. I presume that your Grace will play under your own name?” The Dowager-Duchess smiled sweetly. Mr. Macticcrr bowed. ‘** That will pull twenty pounds into the house once,’’ he said, ‘‘ and prove an agreeable and permanent surprise to your family.” From that moment the ‘‘ study ’’ went on unceasingly, and at the end of the appointed period, the eventful Matinée arrived. As the sagacious Mr. Mactiecer had predicted, though she was supported by the Romeo of Mr. Brixton Sxrats, his fair but portly pupil was hooted well back into her chamber in the Balcony Scene. Nor did better success attend her Mrs. Bouncer. On the fifth night, as she was delivering her last speech to Coz, a huge green missile was hurled at her with telling effect by a critical patron in the Gallery. Some sympathisers who had come‘with paper to the Stalls cried, ‘‘ Shame!” But she took the hint. The name of ‘‘ Hononta, Dowager-Duchess of Boxburgh,” appeared no more in the bills of the Vulgarity. : Some years after this little episode in her life, she was seated in her own private boudoir at Ballchamps, and idly turning over the treasured contents of a secret drawer. She had just taken from its recesses a large withered cabbage, and was looking at it with a curious pout, when her son-in-law (they had halved the family diamonds now, and the solicitor, Mr. PuRDLE, was nearly dry)— entered quite suddenly. It was too late to conceal the tell-tale vegetable, and the quick well-bred eye of the young Peer rapidly noted. the embarrassment his entry had occasioned. He gave his Mother-in-law a gentle kiss. ** Let us burn it,’”he said, softly, trying to lift it; “‘that is,” he added, as he felt its weight, ‘‘if it does not put the fire out.”’ The Dowager Duchess — a restraining finger on his arm. **No—no,” she said, with a well-studied calm. ‘No, no, Hanow. I would keep it as a good friend—would that others like me could meet with many such!—that first reminded me not to meddle in business with which I had no possible concern. Heavy as it was, and it was heavy, it was but the meet reward——” ‘© Of your laudable ambition ?”’ ‘*No—of my vulgar caprice !” ‘A REGULAR OWD AN’ OWD ’UN.” Accorpinne to a Police report, a speech of the good ol Aldermanic sort was lately spoken at he Mansion House by Sir Tomas Ownen in sentencing a disorderly open-air preacher to a month’s imprisonment for “creating 9 disturbance in the area in front of St. Paul’s Cathedral during divine service, and refus- ing to leave when required.” The excellent lderman informed the Prisoner that :—“ It was very foolish of him to preach outside of St. Paul’s Cathedral, as there was plenty of preaching going on inside.” This happy observation recalls the sallies, of late some- : what fallen into desuetude, by which Civic Magistrates were commonly accustomed to excite mirth in other and merrier days. The fine of a fiver, for disturbing the congre- gation and doing a considerable amount of damage, was another Aldermanic joke. Take care. The Seldom-at-Home Secretary has his eye on Municipal Magistracy. MEDALS AND MUFTI. [It has been finally decided that officers may wear all their medals in miniature in evening dress.] Save of great Dizzy, if he could make shade, Who to all shine and shimmer was so partial, Descend, and see what vast advance we ’ve made In matters martial ! Gone, CASTLEREAGH’S ‘‘ 80 distingué”’ black ; When next Ambassadors are named to fib on Their country’s service, neck, and breast, and back Shall be all ribbon. No more we may contrast our nice and neat Costume with that in vogue across our borders ; Disorder ’s coming fast when the élite toop to low orders ; When Britons’ staid sobriety of dress Shall give place unto variegated acres Of spangles, and our wicked sons look less Like undertakers, The waltz, however, may acquire new charms For frisky matrons and for flirters single, When, twirling in the arms of men of arms, The Jingoes jingle ; And just below, the bright eyes thus are bound, If they ’re polite, to seek a looking-glass in Their own, where there’s a brightness just as round, And marked: Kassassin, Let no brave use a bushel for his light, Be it but rush-light; there is no true rising Without, for men who trade like men who fight, Self-advertising. “AP-PY THOUGHT. A prize is to be given at their next Eisteddfod by the Cardiff Committee for the best Welsh Pantomime Libretto. Our Own Panto- mimist, Ap-JonEs, is in this, though he says he will not compete against Mr. OssorNE Moraan, or Sir Lewis Morris if they are going in for it, so as to give them a chance. Ap-Jones’s first notes are sounded, and as an instalment he sends us the following sugges- | tions, on which he is going to work his libretto :— Bad Spirits—The Welshers, Welsh Sharpers, and Flying Welsh Harpies. Good Spirits—the usual ones, but not to be summoned |) from vasty deep cellars on Sunday. Mortals—Ap-Tnomas, AP- | Morean, Ap-Davin, with chorus, ‘* We are an Appy Family; we are, we are, we are!” Grand Procession of The March of the Men of Garlick. Sensation Scene—The Shipwreck: Springing a Leek. The King of the Bigheads will be Sir WaTKIN Pupprne, and the female interest will be centred in the Maid of Llangollen. The }, Pantomime will be rome | submitted to Ap-Harris, and, if he Ap- proves, it will be produced with new scenery, dresses, and Ap-point- ments. Clown by an Ap-Rhryl Fool. ONE OF THE LicHtT-FincERED Ciass,—A Lady with small taper | fingers. This would account for cases of Kleptomania. ' @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS8., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of M8, should be kept by the Senders.

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Aprit 14, 1883, | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — YE MIX MUCH IN Society, MurpHy ?” Mr. Pat Murphy. ‘‘ Mix 1s 17? Irish Landlord (to his Agent, who has been to London as a Witness), ‘* AND DID Fartx I DID THAT, EVERY NIGHT OF THE WHOLE TIME, AND THEY SAID THEY ’D NIVER TASTED ANYTHING LIKE IT!” HOME-TRUTHS FROM ABROAD, (A Long Way after Browning.) I. ‘Ou, to be in England Now that April’s there, And whoever wakes in England Sees some morning,” in despair, There ’s a horrible fog i’ the heart o’ the town, And the greasy b mango a is damp and brown ; While the rain-drop falls from the laden bough, In England—now ! It. ** And after April when May follows,” How foolish seem the returning swallows. Hark how the East wind sweeps along the street, And how we give one universal sneeze ! The hapless lambs at thoughts of mint-sauce bleat, And ducks are conscious of the coming peas. Lest you should think the Spring is really present, A biting frost will come to make things pleasant, And though the reckless flowers begin to blow, They ’d better far have nestled down below ; An English Spring sets men and women frowning, Despite the rhapsodies of RoBERT BrownineG! Not GENERALLY Known.— Unprecedented precautions were taken at the Enthronisation of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY. It was at first proposed by an Extreme Church Party that His Grace should wear full medieval pontifical ‘‘ ornaments,’’ but the possibility that a dyna- mitre might be meres them caused the proposition to be immediately rejected. Among other interesting disco- veries connected with this ceremony, it has been ascer- tained with tolerable certainty that about the period of the Reformation the title of the See was slightly altered, and CRANMER, at the time when his reputation was at stake, where, by the way, it was made, was called the Archbishop of Recanterbury. This is among things not at all generally known. Tue Kine AND QUEEN OF THE NETHERLANDS.—Pluto and Proserpine. LITTLE SARAH AND HER YOUTHFUL SALLIES. (One or Two more of Them.) Tue highly entertaining extracts from the renowned SaRran's forthcoming *‘ Ma Vie de Thédtre,” furnished last week by a daily Contemporary, giving, as they do, a brief insight into the extra- ordinary precocity of her early years, have, as was to be expected, only whetted the public appetite for some further acquaintance with that interesting period of her life. Indeed, if the publishers now and then allow a favoured corre- = or two to have a judicious peep at these very advanced sheets, e is no saying what the first week’s sale of the book may not realise, Here, for instance, is a bit, dealing with a still more remote epoch in the career of the remarkable genius whose slightest doings are soon to be matters of European interest. M. Joes CHARETIE merely began his fragmentary excerpta in the atmosphere of the schoolroom. The following little passage goes even further, and takes the reader straight to the nursery. The incidents are, of course, commonplace enough, and such as might have been expected under the circumstances; still, they are cteristic, “The moment,” says SARAH BERNHARDT, ‘‘I was installed in my adie, my character underwent another complete and radical change. Hitherto I had merely stared at a magnificent fresco of ‘ Nero Playing at Skittles with Jehoiakim in the Areopagus,’ that used to g suspended from the ceiling of my mother’s bedroom, in a reamy state of passive disgust. Now, 1 seemed to require aggres- sive action. I began by eating my coral, whistle, bells, and all. Then I clutched at everything. I had torn a few sheets and blankets tos but my first regular onset. was made at-my nurse’s front hair. Every particle of this I pulled out in firm tiny handfuls the roots. My Great-great-grand-uncle, who was always walking ton all fours and imitating the screech of a cockatoo, with a broom down his neck, to amuse me, tried feebly to intervene. I beat him about the head with a couple of feeding-bottles, and he got quietly under the sofa. This made M. Z—— laugh. ** “What shall we do with her?’ he said, holding his sides, in his brutally vulgar manner, ‘ she can’t keep on her legs. What do you say to making her a Stewardess on a Boulogne Steamboat?’ At that moment my mother’s five maiden Aunts, pretty, airy, curly- headed, nimble-kneed little sowbrettes, danced in, and struck an atti- tude round the foot of my cradle. But the Doctor (he was the oldest friend of the family) had given me the kitchen-poker to play with, and I soon made a pass or two among them that sent them capering off to the other end of the room. So sped my babyhood away. All my happiness was in that poker, and I was always hitting somebody over the head with it, and I hit hard.” There is a further little story of how the youthful Saran, while cutting her second front tooth, carved a colossal group of ‘‘ Hercules strangling the Infant Hydrants” out of a simple block of Aberdeen granite with a blunt razor; and also some further details of her well- known feat of paving the Rue Rivoli with asphalte one hot summer’s evening when no one was looking. Most amusing, too, is the account of the witty practical joke she at last managed to play on her would- be tormentor, M. ,,with two quarts of boiling lead, on his eighty-third birthday. This should be read to be enjoyed. Altogether the volume promises to be a most delightful one, and by anticipation we already take off our hat to its spirited Editor, M. DERENBoURG. Paradoxical. SoMETHING ’s wrong with the ‘‘ rule of the road” out at sea, Or else our ship-steerers are foolish and feckless. More wreckless, perhaps, the great ocean might be, Were those who sail on it Jess reckless. New Reapine.—Joun Butt reading Conservative oratory, complains that ‘“‘ rather too much. repeats hii the tual iteration of his oe mself ”’ ory Hien Sprrrrs.—When are Spirits like Axioms ?— When they are ‘above proof,” to be sure. VOL. LXXXIV. Q

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apart 14, 1888, a \2 pg oo TU QUOQUE. Army Candidate. ‘*AND I ONLY MUFFED ONE THING IN TBE GEOGRAPHY PapER. OASSAR WERE!” Fond Father, ‘‘Ou, I say, YOU OUGHT TO HAVE KNOWN THAT. Srrairs oF Macassar!” Army Candidate. ‘‘Weut, I DIDN’r, ANYHOW. BY THE WAY, WHERE ARE THEY, Dap?” Fond Father. ‘‘OH—WHERE ARE THEY? OH—ER—THEY RE —WELL, THEY 'RE ——BUT DON’T YOU THINK WE'D BEITER GO TO LuNcH?” CovLDN’T FOR THE LIFE OF ME THINK WHERE THE STRAITS OF Ma- FANCY—THE | KING MOB! Kixe Mob as ever on mischief bent, In a land of freedom pitched his tent, In every capital round the world, His blood-stained banner King Mob unfurl’d. As a cowardly cur and a secret spy: With a treacherous hand and a devilish eye, He stalked unseen and with bated breath, He marked the Monarchs of earth for death. King Mob in civilisation’s sight, Proclaimed his gospel of dynamite, For one or other he laid his snare, ‘* Invincible” here and ** Nihilist ” there. In reckless fashion he flung his net That was proof against sword and the bayonet: What matter, he said, if the innocent fall, Be they women or children, murder all! He came at last over land and sea, To the home of peace and the island free. A spirit of discontent he cast, And tore the page from a nation’s og : He spread the terror of force and fist, And flattered the impudent Atheist ; Having preached —— as his soul thought best, He was treated by law as an idle jest ! Wherever he came and whenever he spoke, They took King Mob for an idle joke ; When he entered a church, and add to swear, He was only considered a harmless bear ; And a Magistrate ready with courteous whine, Let His Majesty off with a simple fine. Red-handed caught at the dynamite store, The House of Commons began to roar! Beware, King Mob! for the time has come For Britons to strike—and to strike right home. The days are over for empty sneers When houses tumble about our ears; It’s a little too late to hold our breath, Witha mighty Metropolis mined with death. But rebels will tremble and laughter cease When the Hangman’s knot—is the Bond of Peace! ——t —— Mrs. RamsnoTHAm is delighted to hear of the establish- ment of the Vine Club, which she thinks is evidence of a strong Anti-Blue Ribbon Army Association. Now, she says, she begins to understand what has lately been alluded to in the papers as ‘‘ The Tipple Alliance.” THERE is a small rush on to the Stage just now of talented Amateurs. Not vanity, but a praiseworthy desire to realise a modest competency is their motive. That they deserve to attain their object is evidenced by the public display of their incompetency. A WORD FOR THE DOCTORS. Tue Vivisection Abolition Bill was talked out the other day, and, as we do not wish to see the progress of medical science checked, we cannot regret that the proposal was lost. The whole question lies in a nutshell. Vivisection, as the law stands, can only be practised under very stringent regulations and the authority of a licence granted 4 a Home-Office, which in very rare cases allows experi- ments to be made without anesthetics. Only one per cent. of the investigations made equals the pain of an ordinary oy opera- tion. And what does the world owe to Vivisection? The discovery of the circulation of the blood, the monte Surgery of the present day, the famous operation by which Mr. Spencer WELLs and others have saved the lives of many hun of women ; all these, and a thousand other benefits we owe to the experiments which it is now proposed to abolish. As Mr. CanTwhicHT said during the debate— we prefer to quote him instead of a medical man like Dr. PLayFrarn— ‘* Professor LisTER’s discoveries had revolutionised surgical science, and it was said he had reduced the mortality of man by 7 or 8 per cent., and yet on account of the restrictions surrounding the provisions of the present Act, he had been obliged to go abroad in order to prosecute his invaluable researches. In the Lamson case the clinching evidence which brought about a conviction was derived from an experiment on a living animal... . If this Bill were passed into law, experiments would be made on human frames and in the rudest form. In the nineteenth century the hon. and learned Member asked them to poe investigation, to annihilate inquiry, and to say science was a thing that must be curbed.’’ No cases of cruelty under the existing Acts can be eited as occurring in this country, all the horrors of which we read taking place in Conti- nental cities where there are no restrictions. As Sir Witt1aM Har- court said, the question is, ‘‘ Whether man as the superior had a right to use animals for his benefit?” Of course that can only be answered in one way, but the Anti-Vivisectionists rush off into shameless abuse of a noble profession, and do their cause no good by it. Sir Wrz1t1am Harcourt well summed up the debate when he said— “They must bring a little common sense to bear on this question. They must look at it in the light of experience, and he ventured to say that true humanity was on the side of these eminent men, many of whom were among the most tender-hearted members of society. He was satisfied that under the administration of the existing law very little pain was inflicted, and that what pain was inflicted was under such securities and tees that it was not only in the course of experiment, but was abundantly justified.” Mr. Punch yields to no one in his detestation of cruelty. But crimes must not remain undiscovered, our children must not die of zymotic diseases, and our wives and sisters perish for the want of the skill and the knowledge that have been obtained by humane operators from Vivisection—conducted, be it remembered, in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred with the administration of anzsthetics.

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—- ~ apne 14, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Yy UM, y ae Wy? 4 4 Z bh boda A 7 AM Aid: Y bie hs | YY THE TEMPERANCE BUDGET; OR, VIRTUE REWARDED. John Bull, ** Torez-HatFegncgk! Tue Paice or A Cop or Cocoa AND A SLIce OF BREAD-AND-ButTEeR! I’vE BEEN TOO SOBER. I SHALL HAVE TO TAKE TO DRINKING AGAIN, Nunc gst Bipenpvu/" Ovrrack BY A VoLunTEER.—They were marching down to| Tux Channel Tunnel, if made, will be known as a portion of the Brighton through Horley. ey ways the gay holiday aspect of the | Infunnel Regions. This notion struck Sir WarTxrn, 8.E.R., but e, said the Old Volunteer to the Young Volunteer, ‘* What is | funnelly enough it had previously occurred to Mr. Staar Fores, the difference between this place and our most popular Sporting L. C. & D. Novelist?” Before the Young Volunteer had time to think. his #8 companion shouted out, ‘‘ The one is smart Horley, and the other is Hawixy Smart!” The matter is now inthe hands ofthe| New Name For a THEATRE WHERE THE ACTORS ARE MORE OR War Office. But the Authorities are “‘ At Fault.” LEss UNINTELLIGIBLE.—'‘ The Muiibles.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 14, 1883, 4 1ex4 dt) yee ee” SSS A LITTLE MISTAKE. The New Rector's Wife. *‘CAN YOU RECOMMEND THIS SEA-KALE?” Greengrocer. ‘IF IT’S FOR THE PEOPLE ABOVE-STAIRS, YES; BUT IF IT’S FOR YOURSELVES, I wouLD say, Don’r TAKE IT/” ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, April 2.—Very curious how Sir R. Cross objects to people smiling, much less laughing. Whenever he addresses the House always keeps his Hy fixed upon Right Honour- able Gentlemen on Treasury Bench. anyone smiles he’s sure to hear of it. Dopson always safe, but Harcourt constantly offending, and Mr. Grapstone has been specially reprimanded. Last night Sir RicHarp on his legs making disjointed remarks on Criminal Appeal Bill. Stopping suddenly, with head on one side and gather- ing clouds darkening his brow, he exclaimed, ‘‘I hear someone smile.” Terrible moment of suspense. Expected some trembling man to be given wy by his Se companions, and soundly birched before the whole school. But danger passed over. After listening intently for a second and hearing no more smiles, Sir RicHARD went on, not quite satisfied, but baffled. “‘A strangely chequered career ’s,’’? Mr. CHARLES RussELL mused. ‘“* Heaven intended him for a schoolmaster, his neighbours made him Chairman of Quarter Sessions, and Dizzy projected him into the Home Office. But scratch the ex-Home Secretary and you find the schoolmaster.” Very ey, talk with Ranpotex. He’s been issuing another manifesto. The Count DE CaamBorD nothing to him in this kind of literature. Prince NaPotxon not a patch on him. ** Yes,” said Baron DE Worms, ruefully eyeing my young friend as he sits below the Gangway, carefully dressed for dinner; ‘‘ but Prince NAPOLEON was straightway cast into prison.” “* Of course NortHcorTE’s done for now,” I said to Lord Ranpotru, ‘and the bourgeois placemen, the honourable tadpoles, the Irish lawyers, and the rest, are out of the question. Seems to me choice grown exceedingly limited. But would Batrour do to succeed Sir StaFrorp ?” ** Afraid not,” said Lord RanpotpH. ‘‘ He’s rather young, and what you may call pretty. Wants backbone.”’ ** WOLFF ?’ ‘Ah! Wotrr’sa good fellow. Speaks very good French, and knows the mouths of the Danube. But I am not sure that the Party would follow him. He’d make an excellent Under-Secretary for — him that when I—in adership.” Foreign Affairs. In fact, I have short, WoLFF isn’t thinking of the ‘* Well, there’s Gorst. Do you think he’s capable of ‘agitating Scotland and arresting the attention of the Midlands’?” “*T do not,” said DOLPH, with firmness. ‘‘ Gorst is a little lacking in imagination, and his humour isatrifle musty. I remember him once saying to me he couldn’t understand what Bourke meant 4 impossibility of drawing up indictment against a whole people. ‘Entirely a matter of fee,’ the dear old Chappie said, quite seriously.” f ‘* Then choice becomes quite too utterly narrowed.” ‘I say nothing about that, Topsy. But a Leader is a man who can lead, and if there is a Party in this House well disciplined, it may be the one I have had something to do with.” , Business done.—Read Criminal Appeal Bill a Second Time. Tuesday.—‘' Cave Caine-m!” Sir Srarrorp NorTHcorTE whis- ae in Mr. LowrHeEn’s ear, as that gay young Knight rode forth, ike young What’s his name, to make a speech or two in the Easter recess. But it wasnouse. ‘‘I never posed as a cautious person,” JAMES a goin observed to the audience at Kirby Moorside, After which confession he ran a-muck at Grand Committees. Declared they were packed by Birmingham Caucus (of whom it seems Sir JoHN Mowsray is Chairman) and more than hinted that when Bills came back they must be gone through over again in the House, CAINE going to put question on subject. ‘** Most unfortunate tendency this of JEmmy’s to blurt out things,” says Mr. W. H. Smirn. ‘‘ What the fighting section of the Carlton think to-day, he’s sure to tell every body to-morrow.” Quite pathetic to see Truthful Jamxs waiting to be dragged up for his Caineing. ‘‘ Don’t know anybody of his experience and habits more fully capable of putting on air of ingenuous simplicity,” says Harcourt, eyeing him admiringly as he sits with head bent, toying with the paper on which his answer was written. ‘* But when he looks mildest he’s most dangerous. We'll see his heels fly out ina moment,” But we didn’t. The Speaker, doubtless touched by James's helplessness and pretty childish ways, interposed, and on point of order ruled question inadmissible. Afterwards spent an agreeable evening in ee re under guidance of Jacos Bricut and Sir JosepH Pease. J. B. interested on account of the Congo River. ‘‘ Must remain a territory,”. he says, ‘‘ where Missionaries and Manchester men Con-go and come as they please, without interference from Portugal.” ’ Curious mixing-up of long-cloth and Missionary labour both in this and the even more Peasefull debate on Opium which followed. Mr. Samvet Smiru, in course of brief lecture, put the case for sup- ression of Opium Traffic with irresistible force. ‘‘ Abolish Opium raffic,” says he, ‘‘and you shall make ten thousand miles of railwa: in China, besides giving a chance to Christianity.” That fetch the House ; and the Government, instead of, as usual, meeting the _ with a direct negative, wriggled out by moving the Previous uestion. Wednesday Afternoon.—Lyon Ptayratr’s foot is on his native heath, and his style Professor. Question is, that Vivisection be abolished. Lyon Prarvare says “No!” and tells the House why in most charming lecture. Members been yawning all afternoon, and mooning round corridors, library, and terrace ; now flock in, and listen with growing interest. JosEPH GILLIs sat spell-bound as the Professor traced the links between Man and Animal, glancing aside for a moment to express the hope that missing one may some day be found. : *Man,”’ said the Professor, ‘‘ is only the King of Animals.” This disappointing, but might be worse. s i “Let me tell the House how I killed two rabbits,” continues the Professor. ; ** Knocked them on the back of the neck, I suppose,” the irre- pressible RANDOLPH murmurs. But the rest of House thrilled with sutislontory barren. Seems that late Professor SIMPSON | called one morni ng on PLAyFarr in Edinburgh, and asked him for ‘* some liquor.” Thought a Scotchman would instantly have produced a bottle of whiskey, and one of those little wooden cups that grow mm the Highlands, and treated his friend handsomely. the contrary, Prayrarre took him to laboratory, and brought out some home-made stuff. Professor, evidently mad with thirst, about to gulp it down. ‘* No,” says Prayrarr ; “‘let’s try it ona rabbit.” . Gave a noggin to one rabbit; dies on the spot. Half a noggin to another ; lived two years a hopeless idiot. Professor Smmpson left the House hale and hearty. ** Ah! ah!” cries WitFatp Lawson, triumphantly, “that comes of total abstention.” B Not sure I’ve got the rabbit story quite right. Fancy it was some other liquor made somebody else hopeless idiot. But there certainly

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Aprit. 14, 1883.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 173 was a hopeless idiot in the case. Proposal on foot to engage Lyon PraYFAtR for the Session, one lecture a week. Find him with black- poard and chalk, and, if necessary, white cloth and magic lantern. Business done.—Discussed Married Fellows and Vivisected Dogs. Thursday.—Mr. CuiipErs introduced Budget to-night. Li good speech and very good Budget. Speech particularly artf Conservatives been preparing all week to come out to-morrow as champions of Economy in National Expenditure. Ready to show, with tears in eyes, how recklessly present Government been going on, Meant to make it clear to tax-payer that, if he wanted to save remnant of pocket-money, must get back Conservatives with or without a Leader. To-night, Cur~pERs, with most innocent ex- pression, mentioned, @ propos des bottes, a few figures showing how things stood during six years of Conservative Administration, and how in three years of Liberal. Conservatives shocked, Sir SrarrorD NorTHCOTE quite pained. Lord Grorez Hamizton furious. Sir Ricuarp Cross indignant. 4 “So rude of Car~pErs,”’ says Grand Cross, “going mentionin these things in a Budget Speech. Especially just now, when we ha all got our speeches ready for to-morrow night. Would never have thought it of Cu1~pErs.” : Mr. Guapstone had very pleasant evening. Luxuriously listened to Budget Statement, went off leisurely to dinner, returned at eleven o’clock in evening dress, with a rose in his coat. . “Haw! Anything going on, Tony?” he said, slightly yawning. “Oh, of course, Budget ight. I remember; CHILDERS made speech ; riled other side. Must be awful bore, don’t you know, to have to make Budget Speech, and then to listen to other fellows ; tting no dinner. Had very pleasant evening myself. Sorry for HILDERS.”” And the Gay Old Man, with a toothpick projecting from his eloquent lips, strolled away. usiness done.—Budget introduced. Friday.—Great day this for Peter. Government have accepted his Amendment on Reduction of Expenditure. P. positively pervades the place. Linking arms with everyone. Twoata time preferred, as that makes the corridors more impassable. Got hold of me just now. * All very well for you fellows to laugh at me, Tosy,” he shouted in my ear. ‘‘ But l’ve beaten the strongest Ministry of modern times. Forced GuapsTone to his knees. United both parties under my banner. Nunc dimittis, ToBy, nunc dimittis.” “Why, cert’nly,” I said. Perer means well, but he’s a little boisterous for constant companionship. Business done.—Decided to be more economical, A BROKEN REID. (A possible Episode from the Life of a Practical Philanthropist.) THE red-coated sportsmen were eager for the hunt. The hounds could scarcely restrain their impatience, and the horses were restive from inaction. It was a lovely morning—just the very day fora grand run. The Master, the Huntsman, and the Whipper-in were ready to start, when the report of a gun was heard. Then there was a rust- ling of branches, and Mr. Rerp, M.P., appeared. Mounting on a tub, he called the equestrians around him. “Ladies and Gentlemen,” he said, ‘‘you know I am an Anti- Vivisectionist. You know I object to cruelty to dogs and other dumb animals,’ “We know you are very feeble about your facts,” replied the Master, who found Mr. RerD tedious, and was anxious to be off. “But although I am an Anti-Vivisectionist,” continued Mr. Rem, M.P., quietly ignoring the interruption, ‘‘I have still a hearty sympathy with sport.” Here some of the Members of the Hunt audibly suggested that, although Mr. ReEt’s words were of an excitingly interesting cha- acter, they might yet be kept for some future occasion. “ I see that you are growing impatient,” continued the good man ; and I am not surprised. Although no sportsman myself, I can quite understand the keen pleasure—the intense satisfaction—of a Capae burst over a ploughed field, or a leisurely saunter through a c - “Yes, yes!” said the Master, impatiently ; ‘* but the fox is await- g we must say good-bye! ” You can surely stay a few minutes longer,” continued Mr. Rxrp. MP. “The other evening, in the House of Commons, I insisted , = was to kill a noxious animal.” es, yes “That you did it as quickly as you could. That the first who tame upon the —— 3 the right to despatch him,” cer “And that’ . being the case, as I was ng along the road I hap- | in The field were wild with excitement. ‘' Which way did he go?” ‘* Where was he?” ** Knowing that you wished to kill him expeditiously, I did my best to accommodate you. I was perfectly successful. I closed my eyes, pulled the trigger, and shot the fox as dead as a door-nail!” There was a shout of anger, a cry of hate, and—a Murder ! THAT THREE HA’PENCE! By a non-political Tax-payer. Hooray! Let rival Chancellors war, CuitpErs and NorTHcore snap and spar ; One thing I mark—it brings me paz, Three ha’ pence off the Income-taz ! What matters whether old or new The hand that doth relax the screw ? At least the screw it doth relax, Three ha’ pence off the Income-taz ! A Surplus! True, ’tis rather small, But better that than none at all. And there ’s one burden leaves our backs, Three ha’ pence off the Income-taz ! Egyptian War! Its cost is paid, And there’s a little left in 2; The Revenue doth slowly wax. Three ha’ pence off the Income-taz ! A Business Budget! full of sense Though void of the sweet eloquence Of him, the wielder of the axe, Three ha’ pence off the Income-taz ! A Temperance Budget? Yes, from Drink The Revenue may and shrink, Yet in remission all go snacks; Three ha’ pence off the Income-taz ! Ah! that three ha’pence in the pound! Covers a lot of faults all round. They take, called financial Three ha’ pence off our Income-tax Financial fight my mind bewilders, here’s a — bs Mr. Cuixprrs! nnouncing, spite of party snacks, Three Rdtanes off the Income-taz ! quacks, COLLOQUY ON ARMY ECONOMY. SaAFECARD and ScrEw. Safecard. More work for the British Officer—Lord WotsELxEy’s work, ae rom a paper.) ‘* Each company in a battalion is to be struck off ordinary duties for about six months in the year, and in its turn, in order that it may be passed through a complete course of drill and instruction under its own officers, instead of being exercised and taught by specialists such as musketry instructors.” Screw. Delightful task for the British Officer—‘‘to teach the young idea how to shoot.” Give them more work. = Safecard. More work, but no more pay. Expenses of living increasing too, and allowance stationary—for your Subaltern at five-shillings-and-six-pence a day. she id Screw. Quite right. Competition for Commissions continuing all the same, and supply exceeding demand. Wages of military labour regulated by the rate of the labour market. Safecard, Allvery well; but the employments go to those who can afford to take them. The purse gains the day. Money still makes the (mili man. Screw. What then ? : Safecard, What was the use of abolishing Purchase in the Army ? New Version of the Old Adage. (By One who had his Throat cut by the East Wind at Easter, Wuen Easter falls in My Lady’s lap, Then Easter deserves a good sound slap! Panty Emsrems.—If Conservatives keep up the custom of wear- g Primroses in honour of Lord BEraconsFizLD, Liberals will have Pened to come across Mr. Reynard, and—— to display button-holes of ‘‘ Sweet William.”

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nee = pe PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Apri 14, 1883, HN A Ei 1 NG aif (| i] ish bit H Lf ah i) met et Hale's iF piu | i Be ly Ke) ae mA if yon. i vq 4 f SF. : " F a r TT | Tre — eee DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. —THE PAINTER IN WATER-COLOURS. Distinguished. Amateur, ‘¢T—a—RUB OUT A GREAT DEAL. le, ** AH, CAPITAL .PRooESS! ONLY YOU DON'T CARRY IT QUITE FAR ENOUGH!” Old Snar Most oF MY EFFECTS ARE GOT BY THAT,” THE BUMPTIOUS BOY. Amr—“ The Truthful Boy.” Ones b gene was a bum nates youth, ety hair and fishy eye, A oa who loved historic truth, And never, never sold ae And everyone admired him so, © was so rude, so void of ruth ; They cried, ‘‘ The lad has dash and gol” They ,, **He’ll rise, this bumptious you This bumptious poy, i in boyish ride, Observed the hunters in full flight, And said, “‘ Could I not better ride I’d hide my head in night-cap white !” He sought a mount, a schoolboy’s scrub x... most it seemed, and casall at that. He stood a-tiptoe on "a tub, And scram led to his seat, and sat. — Bae, ‘They make a jolly fuss, hese huntsmen old; the pace looks hot ; Bat Iand my Bue ephalus Will lead the field and lick the lot!” And when he trotted, smart and cool, Off to the field, the people cried, so ag boy though howmntions i is no fool, He like enough knows how to ride.” But when in spite of warning shouts Of “Hi! ’ware wheat] steaitht on he pounded, Like any *ARRY, serious doubts About his horsemanship abounded. The leading huntsman, wary, steady, He tas = was cheek, indeed. ** Get out, you ancient Neddy, ny give the lot of you a lead!”’ That skilful horseman, with a wink, Said, “* Sa right, youngster, take your I know the Country, and I think, If you don’t mind, I’ll keep to mine.” — = the peo! people lang laughed and said, ll-moun bumptious mite, You’ "ll come a ns argh 4h o’er head, The general verdict, ‘ Serve you right! as “WHERE ARE THE PoLice?”—Why, as far as the Detectives go, and they seem ‘ast now to be going everywhere, the more fre- quently this question is asked and remains unanswered the better for the interests of justice and the safety of the community. The less the public knows of the whereabouts of the Police the better will they be able to do their work. i mie — one of their movements is dogged rters, and the — made ao pub c by by Any ailies which are ay for the Earliest News or _ sie ateligence,” Ses pe oa Tre- ceive timely warning and the well-arranged ae s of the Police are frustrated. To the telligence Departments of the Dublin, London, and Birmingham Police the greatest raise is due. And—another g—we are elighted to hear that in Birmingham the Detectives who made the dynamite captures were armed with revolvers. We trust it is the same in London. Cave Felem! Ir has been lately pointed out that, under existing statutes, offenders convicted of damaging, or attempting to damage, persons and property by the explosion of substances such as dynamite, are liable, in certain cases, not only to ayn ig or = peoel servitude, sua 1 50 ee ype. d not this in- formation be published _ dh posted about in the proper places? It might save some of us the pain of seeing a degrading punishment inflicted on on (Fenian) fellow- man. For the protection ublic buildin there is probably no ant that wo equal the Cat. ‘‘ THE PEER AND THE PERI.” Ir I had a Daughter what would go . On to the Stage when I’d said “ FX, 9 Wouldn’t I stop her? Yes. Just so. Woa, there! Steady! Mas. RaMsBoTHaM says two of her Kiews are going toa Fancy Ball as Carmen. does not like the idea of the Bes beat, smock frocks, and corduroys, an they might have selected a more 1a ie costume. As an evidence of extraordinary warmth of the first week in April, the penny ice-carts are yout in = most aristocratic partsof the Metropolis, and doing a thriving business. In view of the Divided Skirts and Fan- tail Dresses, can 1883 be termed, as far as it has gone at present, ‘this Year of Grace”? ait Ae) ee ae 2... whan AAS Sere... .cerenmwmnce tou. =...

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aprit 14, 1883. 4S ds A, rN THE BUMPTIOUS BOY. Lrrrie Lory R-np-iex (to M.F.H.) ‘OUT O’ THE WAY, GUV’NOR—I’LL GIVE ’EM A LEAD OVER!” Sire Sr-rr-zvp. *“* ALL RIGHT, YOUNGSTER—TAKE YOUR OWN LINE—Z KNOW THE COUNTRY!”

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eee Lessa taneoesitienithee tiation tence ee ee ee

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Apri 14, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. rushed about with her, first to the left, then to the right, as though ESMERALDA; he were on the platform of some puzzling junction, vainly endeavour- on, ‘Meer ae av ‘THe Lang’ wHEN THE Crock sterkes Exon.” ing to obtain information from anyone as to the whereabouts of his ConsipERine that Mr. Cart Rosa has only got Drury Lane for an Opera Season of one month’s duration—just sufficient time to let people know that he is there—the performance of pee vag cy in most creditable to the management. The mise-en-scéne is very good, the grouping and the “business” evince careful stage - manage- ment, and the effects obtained by the simultane- ous impulse of arms and hands— in the end of the Second Act, where the united Harris- stocracy go wild —will remind playgoers of the German Com- ; pany, and those i who have seen] train and the time of its starting. The heroine had about as hard a “ All Hands” for the end of Act II. the new Eden-/| time of it as any prima donna we ever saw. iM , : Théatre in Paris,} The Pao | Claude Frollo (Mr. Lupwia), whose taste for theatri- of the striking action of the crowd in the Prologue to the Great| cals led him into the commission of some very unclerical acts, was Ballet. The only sign of anything like hurry or incompleteness was apparently suffering either from a cold, in which case we sincerely pity to be found in the costume of the ‘‘ men in armour,” pares | to | him, or from a mistaken notion that, to convey the idea -of concen- the brave corps commanded by Captain Phebus, who, intended to| trated passion, the singer should be as confidential as possible, and be armed cap-d-pied, were periect as far as the ankles, where the|so, though no doubt he was very good and sang perfectly, we were wong modern walking-boot was distinctly visible—and even this | unable to give any opinion on the subject, as to us he was almost might be set down to the indomitable energy and enthusiasm | inaudible. of the chorus-men, who would rather be on the scene with seven-| Mr. Lxstre Crorry’s Quasimodo is a very clever performance, teenth century armour on their backs and nineteenth century boots| seeing what a difficult character it is, on their feet, than sacrifice one of the grand effects of the Opera. and : completely the librettists have Mr. Gorine THomas’s music is throughout graceful and melodious, | washed all the colour out of it. Occa- but it lacks character, as, for example, in Lsmeralda’s first song, | sionally Mr. Crorry, by the production of his voice and his pronunciation of certain words, vividly recalled Mr. Sant- - LEY. He has to sing the best and most telling air in the whole Opera; and had the situation been more favourable, the audience would have enthusiasticall insisted on his taking their encore of ‘‘ cursed of gods and men.” Why gods” ? Quasimodo wasn’t a heathen. The librettists have damaged the story, and the finish is ineffective. Fancy missing the grand effect ef Quasimodo chucking A Claude over the top of Notre Dame Quasimodo; or, Bent on tower! What a splendid Wagnerian sen- Mischief. sation this would have been, musically , illustrated by a chromatic scale descent, from the topmost note in the treble down to the lowest note in the bass,—then one solemn whack on the drum, and “‘ the rest is silence.” Could Esmeralda have had one such song as falls to Poe lot of any one = her panels rela- . . ret é ives, Arline, Maritana, Carmen—co or Which rather reminds us of a sea-nymph gliding through the calm ‘Genéaals have had something as mi tanec ie Water, and singing to the accompaniment of her; harp, than of a catching as the “ Piff-paff” of Marcel,—could dancing Gipsy Girl with her tambourine and her performing goat, Phebus have walked to the “ flote,” and come e Gzoreina Burns is better suited to the part as a vocalist out with something as stirring as the Toreador, than asan Actress, She is always on the scene, and, when not engaged | Two of the Leading or Miss Perry, as Fleur-de- Lys, have had a in being fondly, or insanely, hugged by her lover, or threatened by | Features in the Opera. song like the Queen’s in The Huguenots, the get at . ser] ree a is oa a set upon by aries —— lasting popularity of Esmeralda would at once er, hauled and lugged about the stage, and generally le _ i ic has to make its acquaint- inthe most cruel manner. Like Mr. W. 8. Gitzert’s Policeman— have heen upcited. Bus us $6 i, Sie pale he When operatic duty ’s to be done, poor Esmeralda’s life is not a Esmeralda, evidently one of the Romany or Roman nez tribe, interviewed by the Rev. Claude Frollo, of the Medieval Church and Stage Guild. “ Goring Thomas.”’ ane, to get # know Ly ecgg ge Fe ky **learn to love” bevy — s count 0: 3 y one!” At the end of the Second Act, Mr. MoGuckrr—a| fen ne hee ree a EN be Iteerally hes . - Rosa’s very brief London season, the public literally has not the time. at pee con +N of the dashing Phwbus—takes the poor Colomba is the new Opera, of which, as at present advised, we can under his protection in such a manner that he appears only say that the music is by A. C. Mackenztg, and the libretto seems ve got her, as the pugilists say, ‘‘in Chancery,” in which try- it— d correctly— position she is dragged hither and thither, singing all the time. fo he samt, ee eee Pn ee a z y he lugs her desperately, and still in Chancery, up the steps, such vigour that we wondered she had any breath left in her : body, ionally, when Mr. McGuckin gave her a second’s rest,|_Correcr Trrtz For THE New Livz.—The Charing Cross-the- we her voice making a plaintive 7 in a high key from | River-and-under- Water-loo Electric Railway. No ventilation tomewhere under Mr. McGuckrn’s arm; but directly he became | ne . This scheme can’t end in smoke. ere’s a first-rate aware of there being any life left in her, he set to work to hug her| Board of Electric Directors, and no chance of any Elec-tricks upon head more closely than ever to him, and in this helpless position he! travellers.

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17g PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Arar 14, 1888, —— TOILERS AND SPINNERS. | PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 131. MBS. GENIUS. Tue Ministerial Member for Bir- mingham pitches into Lord Satis- BURY as a member of a class that *‘toil not, neither do they > al This is not one of the many clever gs, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, Which you are noted for saying. A leading politician, of whichever party, being also a Peer, whether in Opposition or Office, must necessarily toil, more or less, but can_ hardly spin,—unless he ‘‘ spins round’ with a fair partner in the — waltz. Or he may out on horseback for a spin on the downs. But these are two instances where “‘ spinning” isa pleasure, not a toil—or at least it ought to be so. For ourselves—but no matter. The only sort of lord who spins and toils at the same time, toiling as he spins is a Cotton Lord—and he doesn’t a gga always toil or spin very much. ‘‘THe Macazines For APRIL” — have all heen carefully guarded. Sentries are posted at all the chief publishing offices. Some explosive material was detected in the Nine- teenth Century Magazine, but its effect has been carefully neutralised. . . « In spite of all precautions, the Magazines have all gone off, but for- tunately without doing any injury. Most people have only been able to judge of their contents by the various reports. Tre Premier, while in London, being hos) omg to leave off cutting trees, has been advised by his medi- cal man to take to cutting jokes. (Song of a Sorrowyul Hero- Worshipper.) Arrn—" Mrs. Johnson.” Great Mr, Gentvs takes a bride Through life to struggle at his side, By law, and herown heart-strings, tied To oy Mr. GEntrvs, Her task to his spirit’s flame, Tomend his breeks, and mark his fame, To meet all bother, bear all blame, Oh, happy Mrs. Genius! He to his desk devotes the day; Shall he be plagued with bills to pay, Costers or cats to scare away ? Leave that to Mrs. Genrvs! His duty is big books to write, Which give Society delight ; To tend the house from morn till night Is task for Mrs. Gentvs, To halls of light he may repair, His name is famous everywhere ; She stays at home and suffers there, ‘oor jealous Mrs. Genius! Shall he stint ease or pleasure? No! She cannot soar, then let her sew, And sup on porridge; ’twill keep low ‘he pulse of Mrs, Genius! He’s of an atrabilious mood, At bearing pain he is not good, But given to grumble and to brood And worry Mrs. Gents, He growls much likea hee-stung bear, Denouncing all in earth and air. Sheloves—and listens ; that’stheshare Of lucky Mrs. Genius. Among earth’s stars he’ll deign to roam, Sirens his shaggy locks will comb. Dames pet him. She can patch, at home, The dressing-gown of GEn1vs, Of letting her make friends he’s shy. MorteEy’s VERDICT ON THE OPpPo- LORD HENRY LENNOX, M.P., No, let her feeble fingers try sition Tactics.—‘‘ The trail of the To wring wet sheets(with wetter eye) Woodcock is over them all,” As ‘* MAsTeR SLENDER,” Poor, lonesome Mrs. Genius SHOW SUNDAY; OR, QUITE A LITTLE OILYDAY. (By Our Own Mr. lee to visit all the ios, Tue President of the Republic of Painters told me confidentially: while expressing, through the half-opened door, his regret at bein unable to admit me into his studio, that his principal Picture woul not be ready, or, if ready, only just in time, for the Academy. ** Then,” I exclaimed, *‘ you are keeping up your name, and you ’ll be known this year as Sir Freperick Late’un.” A shriek of laughter, and a heavy fall in the Passage as the door slammed-to, proclaimed that my side-splitter had had its effect. I ascertained in the neighbourhood that Mr. Pornrsr’s ‘‘ Queen of Sheba,” called ‘* Barxts is willing,” will not be exhibited at the Academy. ‘‘A disap-poynter,” as the funny Author of Jocoseria observed. At Mr. Aanew’s Gallery [always Bag news At the Acyews’] in Bond Street I was unable to get near Mr. Briron RrviéRR’s chef-d’ euvre—(why ‘ Briton”’ when he ’s a foreigner ?) ; but as far as I could gather from the Policeman who was _ ing the crowd off, it is something about a farmyard from which all the fowls have been taken, except one old rooster who is giving a final “* Cock-a-doodle-doo!” before being carried off by the cook. So much I made out from the title, ers. is ‘* The Last of the Crew.” While taking some slight but necessary refreshment at the soda- and-milk shop next to the Gallery, I was able to pick up a good deal about the Pictures on view from the remarkably well-informed and a oung milk-and-water colourist who serves the customers. From her I understood that Mr. B. Rrvrine’s other Picture—or one of his other Pictures—illustrates a scene where the Leviathan of the * From internal evidence, of which the reader will be able to judge, we have our doubts as to whether he visited any one of them. We were not — — Refreshment-places and Picture Galleries were open on Show junday.—Ep, P Turf (whoever he may be) and a few millionnaires are seated round one of the roulette-tables at Monaco: it is called ‘* Giants at Play. I then inquired about Mr. MacWureter’s works, and was told h his great Picture was something about a young Lady at Brnca’s; being treated to a turtle luncheon, I presume. ‘ From here I went to Mr. Hort’s. He has painted a couple of subjects,—the Queen’s subjects, and both very distinguished,— which, if placed together, will, of course, be called “‘ Peace and ‘ War”—the first being Mr. Jouw Bricut, and the second H.R.H. the Duke of Camsrrer in full uniform. The same talented Academician has also done a first-rate portrait of ‘‘ Our Mr. TENNIEL,” which, however, is going to the Grosvenor Gallery. the latter work was not completed, it was hidden from this visitor's inquiring gaze by a curtain. ** Ars est celare artem,” I observed to the recently elected Acade- mician, as I tried to raise a corner of the drapery and obtain a peep But Mr. Hott was Holltogether too quick for me, and being in & hurry I left without seeing the Hidden Gem. Mr. Bovexton has chosen an historical parallel, and has found out a resemblance between the Prime Minister of Holland and the same official in France ; he calls it ‘‘ 4 Dutch Ferry.” If this is a success, he will follow it up with ‘‘.4 Russian Gladstone,” ‘‘ An Itahan Bismarck,” ‘An American Salisbury,” and so on. He has also the fancy portrait of a modern playwright, called ‘“‘ The Piece-:»aker. Mr. Keety Hatsweir’s was the last I inquired about on my return visit to where the Pictures are kept in Bond Street, ands very polite Gentle: in a velvet skull-cap, told me that Mr. K. H.’s subject is intended as an opposition to the well-known u trated advertisement for Pzans’s soap, and is called plain! Windsor.” ‘‘So Hals-welle that a be ; informant, which rib-tickler was too much for cramming his skull-cap into his mouth to prevent aD which might have been mistaken for dynamite and caused a panic. . . ’ icture Mr. ToorH has a great draw in Sir Jonn GILBERTS P' Ce 64) gGaate ast oe bet a ae (C64 le Cl Ce Ce | pre. 8 scesw a2—mEeesaoun.

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Le 5 Baht Ses “eee ert

Aram, 14, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

—_—— aa £) kg vyY <

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lik ul ibs “THE THIN RED LINE.” (Horse Guards Duo.) “His Royal Highness did not welcome the change. He thought it a good thing for a soldier that, when in action, he should be visible.””—Datly Paper. Pro. ; Who says a soldier ’s a thing ready made Of a suit of grey and a service-spade P— That there ’s pluck in picking a ’vantage ground, Then digging a hole and heaping a mound ? The notion ’s preposterous, laughable, quizzible ! By Jove, Sir, a soldier—he ought to be visible ! Con, I grant you all that ; but when Six-foot Guards Like ninepins go down at a thousand yards, Tis time to note that, if work ’s to be done, A field to be saved, a day to be won, It won’t be by speeches as firework as fizzible, But by getting well home with movement invisible. Pro. Pooh! Stuff, Sir! What served us at Waterloo? — a or 2 he eae blue ? igging an ging f—I rather opine A rush with a cheer of a ‘‘ thin red line,” In the midst of a hailstorm of all things whizzible! Don’t talk, Sir, to me of a coat that’s not visible ! Con. No use, my good friend ; for though you may bless The days that departed with old Brown Bess, If you make that ‘‘ red line,” that never will yield, A target for every shot in the field, Of your foemen you’ll stir the faculties risible— For neither your troops nor your brains will be visible!

‘THE FisHertes Exutsitron.”’—Among the wonders of the deep will probably be included The ** Fishery” on the Thames, or a working model of it, contributed by Sir “ Mr. Jorley our Butlar as joined us when we fust come to Eaton Square is quite % a Artis and paints Oil Pictures that butiful his Pantry is a regilar Stewdeo he send paarenee sat Lat Fiennes Tees them framed lovely to the Royal Acadimy Exibishon which they generilly gets ung on the line Mr. Carver our Ed Footman is orfle jelous of him and says its all along of the Adress he writes on the back” ! !—{Letter from Jane the Upper Scullery-maid.)

Now ready, Block on the Understanding. Member for Bridport. By the

representing a fraudulent écarté-player at the very moment of detection, swallowing the king of trumps to prevent exposure. It is called ‘* The Trump Eater.” The crowd was so great I was com- pelled to take my information from the Dentist in uniform who guards the ToorH exhibition. Mr. J. C. Horstxy’s ‘‘ Wedding Rings” appeals to various circles, but as the distinguished Artist only shook his head and frowned on me from a first-floor window, ca ing out angrily, ‘‘ Not to-day ; don’t want you to-day,” I rather imagine he mistook me for a model, and so I was obliged to obtain information secondhand ; that is, for the moment. No doubt he will write to me and explain. Pushing through the crowd in St. John’s Wood, I met Mr. Marxs on hisowndoorstep. I knew him immediately from his having been Pointed out to me on the First of April, and it was impos- sible for anyone who has once seen him not to recognise at a veg that tall ascetic nervous figure, that thin, pale, thoughtful those coal-black locks, finely chiselled aquiline nose (which a Cesar might have envied), those dark heavy eyebrows, and sweet, tad, melancholy smile. ‘You needn’t come in,” he whispered, in low, musical voice, ‘‘I will tell you that na best picture is that of a Modern Masher, who is dressing for a ball, and at the last moment is unable to find the link for one of his wrist-bands. Need I say Ioall it ‘The Missing Link’? Good-bye!” And bowing y he turned to speak to a couple of Bishops, with whom he Was soon engaged in some abstruse theological argument. I just caught Mr. Mitrals as he was mounting one of his own Pictures preparatory to going into the Park. ‘ What is it my dear — asked the great Painter whose resemblance to the whe 1 Russert in height and general manner is remarkable. up names of your Pictures!” I shouted as he was just moving off. Il tell you one of them,” he returned blandly, “it illustrates a seene in a Sculptor’s studio. I call it ‘ The Ghost Chamber.” And, bowing to his saddle-bow and to me, he ambled gaily away. was fortunate in gaining admission to the exterior of Mr. Cat- the | studio just as the shutters were being put up for the day, boy on duty told me that ¢he Picture would be a figure of a fishmonger’s lad carrying a fish in a small piece of the Daily Telegraph a

newspaper. ‘‘It is called,” said the honest youth, as he pocketed my handsome largesse, while tears of gratitude stood in his eyes, ‘‘it is called ‘ The Wrapt Sole.’ And if you want to know anything fur- ther ”—but I didn’t, and, jumping into my cab, I urged him on at the rate of two shillings an hour to Mr. Wartrs’s, who, ever-mindful of his great ancestor, the ‘‘ How-doth-the-little-busy-bee ”-Doctor, has simply painted a boy, and called it ‘‘ One of Doctor Watts’s Little Hims.” I had yet many others to see, but the shades of night were falling fast, an my Excelsior cab—[title my own and patented— Why ‘* Excelsior? ? Because he is always on hire and hire]—was becom- ing weary of waiting half-hours at the doors of the best Artists, and I was anxious and hungry. ‘‘ Home!” I cried, when suddenly Mrs. Seymour Lucas drove up in her well-appointed Victoria and pair. Standing on the step with the grace of an Apollo and the lightness of an Ariel, I begged to know the name of her picture, as ‘‘ I can’t go and see it,” I said, “for I am quite——.” “* Tired Out,” she said. “Tam,” I returned. ‘‘ And as to-day I can’t see more, look as close as I may,”—but ere I had finished —— carambole on the fair Artist’s name, one of her thoroughbreds gave a start and in another moment I was in the arms of the Crossing-sweeper with a little piece of paper in my hand, on which was written, “‘ Tired Out, by R Srymovr Lucas.” Then it broke in upon me, and after rewarding the Sweeper, I was driven home, had a row with the Cabman (of which you will hear more if there is justice left in the land), and went wearily in to dinner. The first thing they placed before me was a hors-d’ cuvre began to hate the name, I had heard so much of chef-d’cuvre all ay) of sardines done in oil. ‘‘A perfect picture,” said my wife. “Take ’em away!” I oried ; “‘I cannot bear anything more in oil, specially if it’s a perfect picture.” She explained that she thought the dish would suit my palate. ‘‘Oh, don’t!” Igroaned. I felt I had been all among the Oils all day—quite a little Oilyday—and had worked like a man on the huile. __ Friends a in to discuss the Pictures. We sat up late that night. And when they left me, at 3°30, after a pees artistic argu- ment, we were all, more or less, colour-blind. So ended the Show Day.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Apri 14, 1889, *ARRY ON HIS CRITICS AND CHAMPIONS. DEAR CHARLIE, ree 7 I ’ap yours O. K., and the noosepaper cutting inside, Appariently writ by a party as puts up his dooks on my side, Wich thank ’im for nothink ’s my arnser. The ink-slinger’s plainly a flat, And as for defending me—Walker! I larfed, Cuantie, all round my ’at. Nice sort of old mivvy he makes me. I’m “ poor and ill-dressed,’’ CHARLIE—me / When Bhino-cum-Kuro ’s my motter! It’s all blessed fiddlededee. ‘* A ill-used ”—2ot is it PR—oh, ‘‘ Citizen ””—sounds like a steamer, I know— As if I was old Sir Jounw BENNETT, or Alderman “ out in the snow.” He’s a ‘*don’t-nail-his-ears-to-the-pump ”-er, this party, dear boy, and no kid. He says Hoscar WILDE doesn’t like me!!! Who'd care half-a-buil if he did ? But he’s maybe a bit orf the rails, Mister Hoscar’s no muggins, you bet, And {we snide’uns are birds of a feather, and widé-oh at spotting the net. I am not quite so out of it, CHARLIE, as wot this pn Jorkins may think; | I’ve seen Hoscak WILDE, yus, and WIsTLER, and tipped ’em the haffable wink ; And though I’m*not nuts on their notions in culler and coat-sleeves, and that, He’sa tidy bit out in his reck’ning who sets either down as a flat. Lor’, CHarutiz, they’re fair on the job! They are like me in one thing, old pal ; They do know their book, and no error. The World is arf fad and fal-lal ; I’ve mine, and you’ve yourn, and the caper is jest to play on ’em all round, And if I’d long ’air ond the skriggles, ’twould suit me right down to the ground. Their lay would, I mean. As to WistxER, I went to his Show. Sech a spree! Not the Picters—they didn’t count much, but the pick o’ the fun was to see The Swells gawping round at his scratches, like lunatics puzzled and flustered, In a room like a big padded cell as they ’d used for the stowage of mustard. I carn’t say I like Hoscar’s hair, and a kink in the waist ain’t my style, I’m more ah lar militare, CHARLIE, close cropping and plenty of ile ; But if fluffing and flopping was fetching in suckles in wich I might spin, Wy I’d flop with the best of ’em, CHAR Liz, so long as it pulled in the tin. As to young Oxford nobs and the Mashers, that’s jest where this chap shows the een, tinea Got aap very wust eye for a likeness, my pippin, as ever I’ve seen. He says I am “‘ fond of a lark ;” right he is, though it’s jolly stale news ; And so are the Gaiety Johnnies, and ditto the ’Varsity Blues. You see larks are larks. They’re the “relish” as life ain’t worth living without, To any young fellow of sperrit who knows his meander about. Wot elie if it’s chivvying swells with red ties, doing spon at the ‘‘ Gai,” Or leading a rush along Fleet Street, as we did that last Lord Mare’s Day ? It’s only the jugginses grumbles at me and the Mashers, dear boy, Young pidgins too funky to flatter, old roosters too stale to enjoy. We smart ’uns must put on the pace, that’s a moral, and if in the run, We bump or bowl over the stodgies, wy, that’s more than arf of the fun. You git yerselves up,—that ’s the fust thing,—it may be in Krxo’s “‘Two-two’s,” Or ‘‘ claws” and a acre of shirt-front, accordin’, o’ course, to yer ‘‘ screws.” Then go it! For ’Arry or Jounny, the only safe rule or receipt Is make fun for yerself and of others. That tottles it ’andy and neat. Noise? Noosance? My eye anda bandbox! What nidditty-nodditty rot! Row-de-dow is the mark of true dashers, all game ’uns who’re fly to wot ’s wot! Can’t say as to Mohocks and sech like, but Undergrads, Mashers, or me, We all likes a turn at the bellows when properly out on the spree. Wot’s life? Wy, Love, Lotion, and Larks,—the three L’s,—and the mark of aman Is to take ’em unwinking, like ’urdles. Yoihoicks! let them foller as can! If we heey = of fils ’arts, our own ’eads, public taste, or the popular ear, We might be gilded toffs or two-quidders, but Jounnres or Anrtes? No fear! Tin does it, my pippin, not taste. J carn’t run to the Gaiety Stalls, Cig’rettes, petty soopers, and so on; but then I’ve the run of the ’Alls. Penny plain, bore cullered, my boy. Let me land all the luck I can carry, And the most undefeated of Jounnigs shan’t knock many starsout of ’ARRY. * Our young friend has evidently been reading an article in Life, in which he is com- pared—to his advantage in some respects—with our modern “‘ Mashers,’? Asthetes, and University “ roaring boys.’’ J. M. Mottoy’s new song, well tuned by the Composer and well timed by the publishers, MrztER & Co., for the opening of the Royal Academy, is entitled s vn in the Fire.” Intending Burlington House Exhibitors, please take notice. As all the Bills can’t be passed tration of the Survival of the Fittest. this Session, we shall see a practical illus- | And WHAT THEY WILL COME TO! (Advertisements extracted from ** The New Era,”) WV ATED. to open at the Variety Theatre, Li Peddlington, a Juvenile Lautinn Gentl _ Must have ward The Dake Bete one to share the Business. and sobriety indispensable. may write. WN. through disappointment, a combinati ' Walking = Chambortigid = can ae piano when required. Must be a quick study, and able to work the limelight. The daughter of an Earl pre. ferred, and none under Baronesses in their own right need apply,.~ AN , to join at once, a steady Viscount o \ \ middle age Tearried preferred), to augment ie Champion Marionettes’ Company as a figure-worker, Must have a good voice and know his business. No novice required. Will be expected to sell the programme of the entertainment when not otherwise occupied. 5 \ J ANTED, a few Dukes and a Marchioness to take round the world an established, successful, and high-class entertainment. Moneyless Members ef the House of Peers don’t write. MAKING A MOUNTAIN OF MONTE CARLO. (To the Editor of Punch.) Sre,—I write to you as I feel that yours is the proper paper in which to ventilate my grievance—a terrible one. The Bishop of GrpRaLTaR has called attention to the horrors of Monte Carlo, and warned doctors not to send their patients to so health-destroying a spot. Of course he is right, as gambling must be injurious to people suffering from bronchitis. Bat, Sir, I know of a place infinitely worse than Mo- naco. In this place tyrants, robbers—aye, and murderers, too—can be found by the score, not to say the hundred, In this place the most abandoned of both sexes hold a levée by day and by night—men as brutal as a First NapoLeon, as false as a JAMES THE SECOND, as cruel as a RoBESPIERRE, are always there. Nay, more—men and women whose names have been rendered infamous in the pages of the Newgate Calendar, smile and smirk again. And amongst this awful company move young men, women, and children. Iam told that the place in which the /evée is held is particularly popular amongst the agricultural classes. During Cattle-Show week the rooms are crowded from morning until night. At other times the London public throng the salons, and seem never weary of gazing, with open-mouthed wonder, at the notorious characters assembled there to receive them with a hearty welcome. ‘ What makes the matter more disgraceful is the shame- less fact that the gatherings take place in apartments exactly situated over an innocent-looking bazaar! What can be more prejudicial to the best interests of the yo and inexperienced ? I can assure you I have shudderer when I have passed the detested portals of this pesti- lent Pandemonium. I ask you, Sir, then, in the name of decency to do your best to remove the scandal. Paint the place in its true character. Tell of the criminality of a vast propor- tion of those who go there. Use your pages to point out the pitfalls in the way of those who run the risk of keeping certain company. It is impossible to touch pitch and to remain undefiled. In like manner, it is not practicable to go to Monte Carlo, or the spot I have attempted to describe, without sinking—sinking—per- haps never to rise again. And protesting from the very bottom of my heart, I remain yours most sincerely, 1st April, 1883. _ (Signed) A NoopiE. The Mare’s Nest, Donkey Town. P.S.—I have just been told by a friend that the aban- doned creatures of whom I complain are made of wax. Need I say I cannot, do not, believe him? It is nite true I have never been inside the place of which complain. But what of that? As a matter of fact, the Bishop of GrsrattaR has never been to Monte Carlo. d see what a my Woy a very great—deal he can write about that p ! ——— @S TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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Apri 21, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 181 A ROUND OF AMUSEMENTS. Uw Voyage dans la Lune, at Her Majesty’s, adapted from the French of JULES VERNE into the English Verne-acular by H.S. LzreH. | §¢ A prettier effect than the Snow-Storm Ballet which concludes the Voyage dans la Lune is not to be found at any other Theatre in London. The scene between that excellent Pantomimist, Mlle. THEODORA DE GILLERT, and Mile. Ainza, as the Flying Dove, is rming in every way. othe Swallows are still the characteristic feature of the Snow Ballet Scene. Though one Swallow doesn’t make a . Summer, yet * these four Swal- lows ought to far towards mak- ing a Summer Season profitable to Mr. LEapER. Mile. ApELINA Rossr has a coquettish, self- abnegating, re- tiring way of refusing an encore, which encourages the audience to insist ‘ : on her repeating her dance. Miss Fanny Lustre is a valuable acquisition as Prince Caprice. Miss ANNIE ALBv has vastly improved since she attempted Princess Toto. But, let her beware of certain Americanisms in action, which though supposed to denote ease and freedom, soon degenerate into vulgarity. Miss Marre Wit1ams has little to do, but that little is so well and artistically done, that we began to think that Queen Popette was somehow or other, we couldn’t exactly say how, the life and soul of the piece. OFFEN- BACH’S music is light, spark- ling, and catchy; an Jacosr’s ballet-music is still just about the best dramatic dance-music that can be com- posed for this purpose. You may shut your eyes, listen to M. Jacosr’s ballet-music, and tell exactly what the em must be. The scenery might be improved, and the next piece should have an intelli- gible and interesting plot, some funny dialogue, and, at all events, one thoroughly good Low Comedian. All show -~ no laugh a — : ong run,—and, in fact, there Miles. Gillert and Znea— wouldn’t be the chance of a > th of Winter, Height long run for it to pay in. Of ——— course, after Mlle, ALBU, Miss Fanny Lest1e, and Miss Marre WILt1Ams, the main success of A Trip to the Moon must be the Trippers. Vice Versa; or, a Lesson to Fathers. All who are acquainted with Mr. AnstEY’s original and eccentric story must have felt that its dramatisation was a difficulty, and its satisfactory repre- sentation on the Stage almost an impossibility. Mr. Epwarp Ross, himself plays Dick Buititude, has, however, triumphed over all obstacles, and the piece, in three short Acts, playing barely an hour and twenty minutes, at Mr. Grirritn’s Matinée at the lety, was thoroughly successful, very y, and well played all round. Mr. WaRD Rose thoroughly looked Dick Bultitude the boy, though his tendency to overdo facial expression, and his one mono- tonous action with his hands, considerably the merit of his performance. Mr. C. H. Hawtrey, in the difficult part ot Mr. Bultitude, was amusing, and very Soft Rose; or, Vice Versd. little fault could be found with his change manner when his son’s mind has transferred itself to his body h the agency of the Ston Leader and the Swallows. Garuda e. Anything better than Mr. W. F. Hawrrey as the Schoolmaster, | host overdone,—let us hope it never will be,—and the character, in make- up and in acting, was true to the life. It belonged to genuine Comedy. Theboys, too, from the biggest to the smallest, played so naturally, that they could have given any performance of the School ene in Parents and Guardians any number of lengths and won easily. Clegg (Mr. F. Woop), Zipping (Mr. F. Hamitron Betr), and Chawner (Mr. T. Cannam) were simply the boys they repre- sented. We haven’t the remotest idea what their ages may be individu- ally, but they Fj meanag to be Comedians of sixteen and downwards. Miss Lavra LinpEN made a decided hit in the part of Dulcie, in whose hands Mr. Ross has cleverly mee the dénotiment. We sup Mr, Epear Bruce will produce it at the Imperial. If he does so, we strongly advise Mr. Rosx to eliminate the comic Cabman, and sub- stitute the Butler. Short as the piece is, it will still bear cutting, and ought to be reduced to exactly an hour. The Curtain should never be down for more than a minute. The German ReeEps have got a very amusing piece in the Mountain Heiress. Mr. ALFRED REED, as a Cockney Brigand, and ee GRAIN, =. per compe appear in a brigand’s cos- tume, are both very funny. Mr. BEnson’s music is pretty, but nothing more. We don’t forgive Miss Hottanp for making up plain, and giving herself such a sun- burnt complexion that she would be set down at once as Brown Hortanp. She sings and acts as well as ever. ** Our Mess,” Mr. Conney GRAIN’s new song, has this fault, that there isn’t enough of it, and it is so far from exhausting its subject, that it might be taken as Part the First of a series ‘‘to be Cornet Grain, of ‘* Our Mess.”’ — Alf-Reed the Great (disguised as a Mutton Pi-rate of the Sandwich Isles). continued in our next.” The best thing in it is the imitation of the military band, which goes with shouts of laughter. There is a very pretty lever du rideau now being played at the Savoy, entitled 4 Private Wire. Music by Percy Reeve, and libretto by ARNOLD Fetix and Frank Desprez. There is not a bad “number” in the score, which is none the worse for preserving a reminiscence of ARTHUR SULLIVAN in the Lullaby. The mise-en- scene is most praiseworthy, such care being, we regret to say, seldom bestowed on a lever du rideau, The music of Jolanthe improves on acquaintance: ‘‘ Don’t go,” and ‘‘O, Captain Shaw !” aredelightful. Mr. GzoreE GrossMITH is very droll as the Chancellor; but plot and dialogue are not up to the mark of Patience and Pinafore. The whole Company act with the greatest possible care, and the Chorus go through their work like carefully wound-up pieces of mechanism, which is exactly what they ought todo. All the Principals wear the electric spark in their hair, are clearly light-headed. is i nsely funny in Artful Cards, and the Brown Holland; or, The Merry Dutchess. Mr. J. L. Toore is imme precision with which the change of the ee into a couple of semi-grand pianos is managed, is most table to the Stage- Management. Maxre LINpEN is a most attractive Countess Asteriski, and Mr. Warp a capital Sir Haircut Shortleigh. . We are bound to finish our round with an ‘‘ Obituary Notice.” On Friday night last, at the Haymarket Theatre, surrounded by a Dr. Grimstone, it is impossible to imagine. a It was never once of srapetaicing friends, and deeply regretted by every.1e connected with the Management of this mpany, capil. in he VOL, LXXxrv, R

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arriy 21, 1883,

—<—<———n, —— o——a\ | ——— Wh SS vy i? NS ey Wy. Wh Nyt fniec ney, Nii bet ia. | SrPaWrage we pte SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE MECHANISM. Mr, Georce LEWIS TRYING TO WIND-UP THE PUBLIC PROSECUTOR.

sixteenth year of his age, the Acting Right of Caste, hitherto exclu- | view of the audience, and who has never once uttered a cry, or evel sively the property of Mr. and Mrs. Bancrorr. Dr. Joun Hare, | hada measle, has been handsomely _—— for by Mr. and Mrs. the original of Sam Gerridge, was called in at the last moment, but | Bancrort. The Canary in the cage that adorned the window of the his invaluable assistance only galvanised into brief but brilliant life little house in Stangate, that never moved off its perch, never sang, the last moments of the rapidly sinking invalid; and, despite the and whose keep was absolutely inexpensive, will, we hear, be pre- able parsing, of Mrs. SrigLine as the Marquise, the devoted | sented to the Aviary department of the Zacloqieal Gardens. Sad attention of Mrs. Bancrort inimitable as Polly, the tender care of | for the Bancrorrs—to have “‘ lost Caste,” and, like Mr. Bultitude, Bancrorr also inimitable as Hawtree, and the solicitude of | to have to go to School again. Mr..D. Jamus, great as old Eccles, all was over at ten minutes past eleven, when invisible music a * Auld Lang Syne,” and the c i mourners strewed the stage with wreaths and bouquets. We are| Prorzsson Apet and Dr. Sremens are the new Knights. Scien- ad to hear that the jsilent baby, the infant phenomenon of the | tific men are delighted and electric-lighted. ‘De Navy,” a Nigge d Act, whose face for sixteen years has been hidden from the | Sea-Cook says, ‘“‘ take it as a compliment to Abel Siemens.”

Page 187

—— Apart 21, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE THEATRE OF THE FUTURE. [Speaking at the Annual Festival of the Lyceum Theatre Provident and Benevolent Fund, Mr. Invine said that “‘ the extraordinarily e number of Amateurs coming upon the Stage seemed to him to threaten to sweep away professional Actors altogether.’’] "TWILL be a success, that is certain, Reflecting the taste of the age, A Viscount will pull up the Curtain, And Dukes will appear on the Stage. No p! plebeians before us 8 ake their auricomous curls, But here will the Ballet and Chorus Be culled from the daughters of Earls. A Marquis, in trunk-hose and camlet, Will surely attract quite a host; A Baren shall figure as Hamlet, An Earl will stalk in as the Ghost. And who dare predict that we sell not Our Stalls, where there is to be seen A live Lord come on as Claude Melnotte, A Duchess appear as Pauline. Though haply the acting be “‘ shady,” As slang-loving critics may say, Methinks that My Lord and My Lady Should draw just as much as the Play. Though Art be not here, why what matters _Its absence, for snobs will not fret, Since those who tear passion to tatters Have all of their names in Debrett. DOING THE GRAND! EvgryTHine’s Grand nowadays—Grand Concerts,Grand Hotels, Grand Old Men, and Grand New Committees. These last have begun well, at least the G. C. on Trade did, but there was a bit of a hitch in the Grand Law Committee. The room is stated to be ‘‘ more richly fur- nished” than that of the Grand Committee on Trade. This doesn’t look well—at least the furniture looks well enough, but it sounds as if the Grand Committees were oeeeny Decceaine too grand. A ‘“‘G. C.” is just like a sedan-chair. Whether it goes along easily or not, depends, even in a high wind, on the steadiness and perseverance of the Chairmen. If they get through a Grand lot of work, the G. O. M, will be complimented on his G. C.’s, and will receive the Louis-Quatorzian title of Grand Old Mon-arque. Mars. RamssorHam’s Cooxery-Boox.—She is making & collection of receipts. Hashed mutton and_ varicose when in season, she says, is an excellent dish. N\\ing, WW WANN eee ——— ~~ A CAPITAL REASON. **Ir’s THE DoKE AND DvoHEss OF MARLBOROUGH, JUST BEFORE THE BATTLE oF BLENHEIM, You KNow!’ ** Waar a Soussgor! DocHEssEs, WHY THE DEUCE DON’T You PAINT MopgRrNn Onzgs?” **MopgeRn Ongs! DUKE IN MY LIFE, NOR A MopERN DvuocHEss EITHER !—AND, WHAT ’s MORE, I DON’T WANT TO!” My DEAR Fetian, IF You MUST PAINT DUKES AND WHy, DASH IT ALL, MAN, I NEVER sAW A MopERN BOMBASTES BOBADIL AT HOME. (From Our Own Correspondent. ) : Yew York, Monday. I HAVE just had the privilege of a personal interview with O’D-x-v-n R-ssa, on the subject of the Dynamite Conspiracy in ] d. I found him in a luxuriously-furnished set of apartments in the Broadway, which wocterg re =, r; a oo I saw was in a grimy garret at the top of a third-class tenement in one of the lowest parts of New York. ering me a icularly fine Hayanna cigar, and ringing the bell for a couple of bottles of champagne, he sank back in his luxu- rious cushions, and requested to know what I wanted. Any infor- mation, he obligingly added, which he had it in his power to afford, he should take care to keep to himself. I succeeded, however, in restoring him to something like good-humour by reading aloud to him from this morning’s yor an account of Sir Wittiam Har- couRt’s new Explosives Bill. , 0 D-x-v- R-sea thinks it'will do ‘“‘the cause,” as he called it, 4 power o’ good, bedad.” I should mention that all the time was speaking he kept toying with a large dynamite bomb which lay on the table, and which, as he boasted, if loaded, would blow a of Broad thereens. loaded,” he ouiingly vemeced, and added roadway to smi' er, it is not onally was rather timid about firearms and explosives bed ‘ that he and : His language with regard to ‘‘the craven Cabinet of London”’ was far too strong to be respectable. He seemed annoyed at the stupidity of WHITEHEAD and the others in allowing themselves to be caught so easily. ‘*They don’t know the A. B. C. of the es apron profession,” he said; but added that they were intimately acquainted with its L. 8. D. Gulping down a huge jorum of champagne, and stroking his moustache with heavily-jewelled fingers, he remarked that he sincerely hoped that his self-sacrificing example would produce an excellent impression among the starving peasantry of the West of Ireland. The agitation, he remarked in a spirit of singular candour, which is perhaps attributable to the champagne, keeps England in ante pa \ eal in plenty,—and what better arrangement could e desir As for the inhabitants of London, they deserve, according to R-ssa, all that they get, for their treatment of Ireland. He did not hesitate to say that the spirit of strict equity, and even the law of mercy itself, demanded that those terrible tyrants, the women and children who happened to live near Government Offices in London, should be slain in thousands by explosions of nitro-glycerine. The dreadful ruffians who might be passing by when one of his infernal machines exploded also deserved no pity. f As for the American Government, they certainly would not sur- render him to British justice. Did I think they wanted, he asked me, the whole voting strength of the Irish thrown into the scale against them? I replied that I did not know, but thought it highly improbable. Winking his small eyes, and knitting his particularly low forehead, he said he thought so too.

Page 188

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apain 21, 1883, ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Hovse of Commons, Monday “Night, April 9.—Dynamite Bill went through both Houses to-night like streak of greased lightning. Sir Witt1am Haxcovrzt, in charge of it in the Commons, attempted to create diversion of delay by ‘‘drawing” Irish Members. But they not to be drawn, though Grandiose Old Man frowned upon them, shook a warning forefinger in their direction, and sunk | voice to lowest tones of Tragedy when referring to the clause dealing with the British subject ‘‘who goes to France or America, and is party in any way, directly or indi » by word or by speech, to any of these transactions.” Justin McCartuy wanted to know what was the difference between ‘‘ by word or by speech,” but restrained critical faculty. _Sir Ricuarp Cross, in his sparrow-like fashion, showed disposi- tion to chirrup and hop around the Fourth Clause with intent to show how much better a superior kind of sparrow would have done it. But Gentlemen behind him howled. Sir RicHarp aghast. Was it possible that loyal Members of Conservative Farty were — ing him with impatient cries? Couldn’t believe it. Tried another chirrup. Howls again. Sat down abruptly and aghast. In the House of Lords the Marquis unexpectedly broke out. pe ag the Bill as Party manceuvre cower of Parliamentary raditions, **Good Heavens, my Lord! What do you mean?” Lord Cargns asked, when the Marquis sat down highly refreshed. ‘*?Pon my honour, don’t know,” said the Marquis. ‘‘ Fancy I mean nothing. Fact is, been hanging about here all night to pass this Bill, having meanwhile to sit through speeches by Lyrron, Kru- BERLEY, and NortHBROOK. So depressed; felt I must have a fling; though, to tell the truth, when I rose meant to cordially approve the Bill, and say that it ought to have been brought in long ago.”’ Business done.—Explosives Bill went off like a shot. Tuesday.—Lord Mayor of Dublin arrived at four o'clock, in scarlet robes and chain of gold. Magnificent spectacle as he walked up the floor of the House, and took his accustomed seat below the Coa . Many aman in his position would have ordered SPEAKER out 0 Sir Wizr1am Haxcovrt out of Premier’s 1, CHARLES Dawson is better bread. Great excitement in House. Members uncer- tain whether they ought to rise, and remain standing, as his Lord- ship strode to his place. Some for it, some against. Before discussion was over, the Lord Mayor was seated, and had carelessly thrown back the folds of his gown, so that the massive proportions of the shapel limb might be seen from the Ladies’ Gallery. “Splendid!” said Lord Dunraven, who witnessed the spectacle from Peers’ Gallery. ‘‘ As compared with this, Sotomon in all his glory was a poor white.” Subsequently, Lord Mayor entertained Patriotic party at dinner, over which he presided with mingled grace and ae. “We're all proud, of him,” said Mr. SHaw, with a glow of warmth on his honest countenance. ‘‘ Sim Ta tit was nothing to him.” Met JosePpH GILLIs coming from the banquet, evidently in high spirits. Quite a contrast from ordinary manner of late. Afraid he ’d been dazzled by the presence of the Lord Mayor. But it was something else that had cheered his sensitive mind. ‘**D’ye think, now,” says he, “Lappy will reely be sent to gaol about this ere libel case P” “*You’d better go and ask him,” I said, a little tartly. Can’t bear spiteful men, though they re thick as leaves in Vallambrosa. How different the kindly heart of Captain O’SHxa beats at this crisis ! Think,” he says, brushing away a tear, ‘‘of Epmunp and Henry in at the same time. Perhaps in adjoining cells. But the companionship would be some comfort. Maybe they ’ll sing to each other, and correct each other’s little inaccuracies through & crevice in the wall. Epmunp will probably rear a fragile plant, and Henry will cherish in his bosom a lonely mouse.” Good-hearted fellow, O’SHEa! Voice choked with emotion, as he drew this picture of the Member for Northampton making closer acquaintance with those ‘* vertebrate ani ” in whose interest he proposes to move an Amendment on Cruelty to Animals Bill. “Cheer up, O’SHea! If they’re ‘quodded’—which I’ll lay a trifle against—you’ll be able to go and see them. You know how to open prison-doors.” Treaty-maker slightly revived at this prospect of ioe a ‘usiness .—Discussed New Scheme, propounded by O’Cornor Power, for Re-settlement of Ireland. Government couldn’t see it. Wednesda —Smell of whiskey in House to-day. Looked about for W. - O'Surtrvan. Thought he might have a few samples in his pocket. But he’s not here. Very rarely is now. Become, in short, a “‘silent spirit.” Noticed perfume was wafted from ir, and seated himself therein, or eae shouldered | Readin, lace a direction of Galleries. Found them packed with Gentlemen, who, Lawson tells me, are of the public-house persuasion, come down to hear debate on Sunday Closing Bill, Members chiefly arrived in four-wheelers, carrying great bundles, petitions for and against the Bill. Mr. Cowen es man of impartial mind, presents two from Newcastle, one for the Bill, one against. Sir Wu. McArruor still smiles supreme. Noone beat his roll of yesterday with over half a million signatures. A whisper about this afternoon that a proportion are those of Aborigines from the East End, the Aquarium, and other resorts of those interesting people. Debate on Sunday Closing not reached, and Gentlemen in the Gallery treated to discussion on an ag in Ireland. They listened mage, staring at Sir W. Lawson, pointing out to each other . Onstow, Mr. Warton, and Mr. Catan, secretly taking nips, which accounts for pervading odour. Business done.—Debate on Sunday Closing Bill circumvented. Thursday Night.—Great men ever subject to aspersion. Lord Mayor Dawson no exception torule. It is said, and by a country- man, that Petition he presented the other night as an accesory to the red gown and gold chain, and a oma pt to the dinner, was a by vate, of a majority of Gentlemen “actually engaged in the Ww. ey trade. ** And why not?” says W. H. O’Suritvan, who has come back to-day, with his whiskers another shade darker. ‘‘If there’s any persons concerned to stop Sunday Closing, it’s thim engaged in the whiskey trade. No one better right to sign Petition.” Turns out that Mr. Biaxe, who is responsible for the statement, is misinformed. **Only Ten of the majority of Twenty-five of the Dublin Town Council who signed the Petition,” says Lord Mayor Dawson, draw- ing himself up to full height, and casting a withering glance on the ordinarily blameless Brake,—‘‘ only Ten were engaged in the whiskey trade.” Mr. Brake crushed. House expected he would rise and apologise to Corporation of Dublin and its Lord Mayor. Told me afterwards he would have done so, only so overcome that he couldn’t trust him- self on his lege. ‘* They told me there were Thirteen,” he said, ‘‘and it turns ont there were only Ten. Iam astonished at their moderation.” Innocence and ingenuousness of Irish Members cruelly traded upon by ATroRNEY-GENERAL, Crimi Code Bill down for S ing. Lawyers on both sides agreejthat it’s an admirable measure. Wanting, of course, a li trimming in Committee. Been hard at work all afternoon in Grand Committee on Criminal Ap Bill, and so disinclined to talk. At a quarter-past eight, Debate, after dribbling along for the [last hour, finally stoppe Irish Members away —s secret meeting. “ English Members present all agreed for Second Reading. Atto GENERAL would have to entrap Irish Members. RNEY- t up, spoken for five minutes, and sat down, Bill pessed. but Sir Henny James had devised dee » ocheme (At least so O’DonnELt tells me.) If he spoke long enough, they would come back, plunge into the debate, would waste remainder of night, and then Cléture be brought into play, Irish Members shut up, and Bill Second Readi g ound to say, seems to me Second Reading might as well have been taken at half-past eight, and rest of sitting used to get on with business. But ATrorNEY-GENERAL’s sure to know best. Things fell out as he planned. Spread over half an hour what he might have said in five minutes. Irish Members came back took up the debate, and kept it going till two in the morning. Cloture threatened, Debate collapsed, and Bill triumphantly passed Second Reading. Wonderful success! But business,ways in the House of Commons more than ever —— . Business done.—Criminal Code Bill read a Second Time. Hg Mi morning in discussing Transvaal. At Evening Sitting, Mr. Mowx came down, very nicely dressed, to move Resolu- tion on the re ws. Full bench of Ministers, and things looking all right. But Monx had not taken JoszrH GILLIs into account. : . “We've had enough of Marriage Laws for one’ year,” said Jory B., grimly. So he lay in wait, and Counted the House Out long before Mr. Monk, as representing the happy Bridegroom, reached the Altar. ‘Tae Doom of the ‘ Invalides’ is pronounced,” said Mrs. Raus- BOTHAM’s Nephew, ing an e from the Parisian news in & daily paper. “Of course itis, my dear,” rejoined his Aunt. ‘“ Ever since I can remember Paris, the ions of the Invalides always was most pronounced, specially when the sun shone on it, when it was magnificent.” Tas Land of Misfortune. By Lady Frorence Drxre, Is this where ‘‘ The one is situated: P —

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- Apri 21, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL a THE COMING RIBBON. Prize Reaction Tale for the Year 1933, Carrer XXX. * * * . THE ceremony at the Church had ; ag and now the notable event of the day, a * off with the greatest éclat, the wedding breakfast, was over. re There had not been a hitch, The cake was a masterpiece. The viands were perfect. But the feature of the entertainment was digestive beverages with which the te repast had been washed down. There was but one opinion about them. They were unique. So, at least, thought Sir Gorman Wosu, the Slopshire Baronet. “Try another tumbler of that Hydrophosphorated Gingerine,” whi the id, swollen, and portly old toper to his neighbour. “T drink nothing else at the cover-side. It won’t hurt you. There aren’t a dozen —_ fits in a pailful,” and as he —— like a true votary of er & emptied a decanter of the apparently innocent fluid at a draught. “He’s drinking himself to death,” whispered the spiteful Lad Treris, with a malicious little twinkle in her eye. ‘‘ It’s a wick age. What do you say, Marquis?” She tapped a thin, wan, bloodless-looking Aristocrat, who had acted as her escort to table, playfully on the shoulder with her fan. He looked at her with cold, white, watery eyes, and feebly raised a of sparkling su/phuro-carbonetta to his lips ** Tf, in the old days, wine and innocence went out together,” said, gallantly, | “wecan at least boast that, in the new, we are not without water and beauty.” It was a natty compliment ; and, as suiting the action to the word, with a limp but frigid bow to his fair interrogator, he drained quite a gallon and a half of the highly-recommended nerve, brain, and lung tonic with evident effort, a momentary blush suffused her fea- tures. And she would have essayed some naive and appropriate reply, but at this moment all eyes were turned in the direction of Lord FrornineHam, the old friend of the family, who had at last, after several unsuccessful efforts, been propped up on his legs to do honour to the toast of the hour. There was a hush of expectation— then silence. ‘‘I am asked by my dear friend, our honoured host,” he commenced in a thin, wheezing, washed-out squeak, that told only too plainly of many a wild orgy with the water-butt, ‘“‘ to bid a] charge your flagons with a choice and special beverage that he down himself, with a view to this great and happy occasion, some fiye-and-twenty years ago.” e was an attempt at a cheer, but the effervescents had already gone round freely, and a were damped. It died out like the echo ina catacomb. Still, every direction with large white china jugs; and there was a buzz of something like consternation as glasses were rapidly drained and held out paseo for that ‘‘ new brand.’’ The company guessed treat t was probably in store for them. One or two of the more moderate and thoughtful made instinctively for the door. But the majority, in a state of flaccid dilution, and unequal to any active protest, py kept their seats, and simpered sadly with the reserve of ge yspepsia. The noble speaker continued :— ‘I will not,” he went on, in a painfully whining treble, ‘‘ refer further to the event of the day. It is wiser to let it alone. Weak, knock-kneed, blighted, broken as we all feel on occasions such as these, we would yet avoid the scandal of unrestrained hysterics. And after such cheer as we have had beneath this roof,—the less we try to say the better. So, Gentlemen and Ladies, charge your tumblers with the famous old family toast-and-water.”’ * * * * . ao There had been a terrible scene, and it had taken seven stalwart footmen and the French chef to carry the kicking old Nobleman into the open air, and deposit him on the pavement in the midst of the sympathetic crowd. But the happy pair had driven off, and he was better now. They had seated him in a corner of the drawing-room, with a mustard-plaster on his head, and he began dimly to reeall the events of the morning. He was still whimpering, but a kindly voice was yprewor a him earnestly now. The Keverend Branpuve » the respected Vicar of the aristocratic parish, had taken a seat by his side. Give it up, my dear Lord Frornmncnam,” he said, with a rich round rubicund laugh that shook a statuette off the mantelpiece. Give it up. Look at me! I never touch a in» of water. I see the destruction that is being wrought in this appy country by that terrible, that pernicious, that deadly fluid, and I avoid it asa subtle and poisonous snare.” And the reverend Apostle continued usual course of vehement appeal with telling effect and illustra- tion for quite three-quarters of an hour. The poor old Nobleman ae unquestionably the high-class character of the cheap non-alcoholic | f the red-plushed attendants were busy in f - up water?” he asked. ‘‘ Then of what do you make your ** Of gin,” was the cheery reply. ** And it is not nasty ?” Se 5 “Try it!” There was a converting and pleasant wink in the earnest speaker’s eye now. : ** And do you mean to tell me you drink nothing but alcohol ?” ‘* Nothing but alcohol.” ** And {* ever in good spirits ?”’ “Ever! Listen!” and the kindly devotee sang the weak, trembling, but now hesitating disciple several comic songs, dancing chorus and in rapid succession, The old Nobleman bent “ And the secret of your perseverance P” he asked, earnestly. _ There was a moment's pause, as the good Vicar unbuttoned his ing proudly to ithe silken little emblem, overcoat. Tam,” he said, poin “ a of the Yellow Ribbon Army ! * * * * * ” PASSENGER-DUTIES, At, or about Budget time, the Cuancettor of the ExcHEQUER is P empiee “interviewed” on the subject of Passenger-Duties, and is year he has taken off an impost which weighed upon third-class travellers, There are many Lage peony, owever, that are not wholly connected with finance, which it may do the public good to be reminded of. The first duty of a passenger is to have his money ready, and not to expect change for a fifty-pound note when he takes a three-and- apa ticket one minute and a quarter before the train starts. next duty is not to insist upon having a compartment to him- self when the carriages are besieged by passengers, and not to threaten to write to his personal friend, the Chairman of the Com- y, or to his other friend, the Editor of the Times, when his emand is not instantly complied with. His next duty is, when he has entered a carriage, not to lock the door with a private key, not to plaster an ‘“‘ Engaged ” placard upon the window, or to pretend that he is an escaped lunatic in order to keep the a : d en comfortably seated, it is his duty not to place his luggage in nearly every available seat, not to carry game in an advanced state of decomposition, Normandy cheese, loaded — or knives of sinister aspect. He has a right to read, if he li es, but his duty is not to works of ostentatious immorality or equally ostentatious piety. He may use a ing- if necessary, but it is his duty not to let the candle gutter down while he is robably asleep, to the infinite annoyance of his fellow passengers. He may take snuff, but it is his duty not to sneeze with the roar of a lion five minutes before eeding-time. He may smoke, if he gets the permission of his fellow passe’ , but it is his duty not to smoke rank tobacco. He may sup or lunch in the carriage, but it is his duty to draw the line at garlic, onions, or fried fish. It is needless to say that he ought not to pick his teeth with a corkscrew. If he feeds at a railway refresh- ment-room, he ought to take anything the Directors or the Con- tractors give him, and it is his duty to be thankful both before and after the meal. Let him think of the hardships his grandfathers endured as travellers, and not make rude jokes about ‘‘ horsenail soup,” concrete pies, and meat supplied by GrisszL anD Peto, Masheric Intelligence. Tuy have a Club now. It is called the ‘‘Masherium.” All the tables are made very high so as they shall not cut their throats with their co! more than is absolutely necessary. ey wear inafores at dinner to prevent their spoiling their shirts. At this lub, Cham: e is no onger called the ‘‘ Boy.” It is denominated ‘*Masherade.” Potatoes, ‘‘ mashed,” ready at all hours, A CoRRESPONDENT sends us the following genuine extract from the Wiesbaden Tagblatt of April 3rd :— “ A lady wish give German or French lessons towards English Conversation, from a very fine lady or from a fine Mr. Englishman.” Any of our readers visiting Wiesbaden might avail themselves of the above offer. Frrenps ok Foxs.—The Bishops, as a from the recent records of Convocation, are Par ym to incline to the opinion that the Salvation Army is a hostile force. Very long time in Sotins this out. Indeed, somé of our Spiritual Peers—or, as we shoul prefer to write it, were it true, Pairs Spirituels—seem to think that there is less of the Army than the Knayey about these Salvationists.

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Daughter of the House (having tried her Partner, and not finding him up to the mark), ‘* Stor ! Miss BuINKINsoP IsnN’T DANCING. HAPPY THOUGHT! Do you KNow, I sEE 1HAr I REALLY MUST GIV& you UP TO HeRr/” OUR DARK BLUE LINE. ‘The first line of defence that we have is the Police, and I hope I may pay my tribute to the splendid services which the Police, not only in the Metropolis, but also in the provinces, and above all in Ireland, have rendered to the cause of Society.” Sir Wittiam Harcourt. Punch to the Peelers, WE have heard of our ‘‘ Thin Red Line,” OF its battle-front steadfast and fine, Now lyrists must raise A new pan of praise, To which England’s ear will incline, I opine, Or wrongly the Sage doth divine. The name and the fame of our Red Have stirred admiration and dread n friend and in foe, ‘When the battle-blasts blow, And the death-flights of pitiless lead Are sped, Firm stretches the fine scarlet thread ! Yet ’tis not the sole colour that’s true. That as brave hearts may beat beneath Blue, Had we doubted before, ‘ We have proofs by the score, Since the Dynamite Demon’s foul crew _, First threw O’er our cities chill Death’s ghastly hue. Splendid service! Sir W1x11AM, you’re right, Those breasts beneath Blue buttoned tight, Standing firmly and still Between England and ill, Are heroie as ever in fight, To flight Put the foes of our land by their might. Civic servants in plain woollen stuff, Civic badge upon collar and cuff, Yet cynics must own Simple ‘* Bobbies”’ have shown Something more of true soldiership tough an enough For mere dealing with burglar and rough. The sleuth-hound and bull-dog in one Is a guardian indeed. They have done, These men in plain Blue, What to dare and to do Is as much as face steel-stroke or gun, or run When the death-shells are flying ‘‘ like fun.” There is hell in our midst, its black band Threats the cities and homes of our land. These have struck on the trail Of the Terror, with pale Set faces, cool head, and firm hand. So grand State service cael guerdon command. Here’s ‘‘ Our Dark Blue Line’’—our Police ! May their work so well started not cease, heir resolute grip Never falter or slip From the Anarchs who lengthen hate’s lease, crease Tophet’s borders, and murder sweet Peace ! LEGAL QUERIES AND ANSWERS. Wut the Director of Public Prosecutions take notice of — case of assault P—Yes,—if you get sufficiently Mauled. Then what answer would he make ?—He would at once say, ‘‘ I’m Mave there!” HARCOURT’S “RAPID ACT.” Srerne how rapidly an ‘‘ Explosives Bill” can become law—how both sides in Parlia- ment agree to bury the war-hatchet, how the House of Lords agrees to sit after the aristocratic dinner-hour, and how the Sove- reign is kept out of bed, or knocked up early in the morning—it is impossible not to regret that the same dynamite influence could not be brought to bear upon our ordi- nary legislation. Destructive forces, when properly governed, become the most useful agents of civilisation; and it long been notorious that the only way to carry any useful reform is to establish a state of panic. Perhaps the Sunday Closing fanatics will create such a tempest of pop wrath, that we shall get free-trade in drink, drama, music, and dancing, while the draughtsmen are pottering over the clauses of the Municipal Reform Bill. (?) Unrequited Advance. Old Flame (in a tone of tender melancholy to Otp Focry, whom she regrets having re- jected when he once made her an offer). Do you think, Mr. BuckrHorNn, we meet those we love in the next world P Old Fogey. Perhaps, Ma’am. And, let us hope, in that part of it where they neither marry ner are given in marriage. Mas. Raw says she likes pure unadulterated coffee, no chicanery in it.

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SQ ||| QS || ||| |, SW RAW Ni Wis \ a | Ame Zz 5 _— eee « ARMSA MLESOTS Ay pa Wiiithe LF og Wat ¥ \\\ y “S ‘ LAT AA LT a LES ha a I] iZ — 7 x = i n= tee ZZ AEA 7 , M“ if Lt waz ty) PF Nee Ks LpAAZ- 2 om LL AL * 73'2a \\ = \ ANN = “POLICE INTELLIGENCE.” Mz. Puxcu (to Home Secretary), “IN THE NAME OF THE PUBLIC, SIR WILLIAM, I CONGRATULATE YOU ON OUR—AHEM—‘ BOBBIES’!—OUR DARK BLUE LINE OF DEFENCE!” eee

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~ Apar, 21, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 189 ——— = THE FISHERIES EXHIBITION. Case of Exhibits, respectfully offered for the consideration of H.R.H. the Prince of Whales by Dumb-Crambo Junior. Fishing for Place. A Merry Old Soul. ITALIANO IN COVENT GARDEN. the uction of a real Italian Opera. It is called La Gioconda, libretto by AnRIGO Borro—no relation, we believe, to M. ARRIGO Brano—and the music by Signer AmitcaRE PoncHIELLI, whom aed PuncHietti of Eighty-fivo, Fleeti Streetti, is delighted to come to England as his long-lost cousin several times removed. 1¢ Patri is to give us a treat in La Gazza Ladra; Madame ALBANT is to be the Senta of attraction in the Italianised Flying Dutchman, The Land of Song must be hard-up for prime donne, as, though the names, just for the look of the thing, are Italianised, isn’t a genuine native of Italy among the lot. Is there & wotice over the Stage-door of the Italian Opera in London headed, “‘ No Italians need apply ”? As to the tenors, Mr. Maas s them, : sing in his usually Maasterly style. Will he talianise his name? If so, there ’s an operatic one ready to hand— ee rospects are good, if not brilliant. Mr. H. ; Yoven en p are . if no . Mr. Hatt is at his post, as usual, in the Box-office: open the front door of Covent Garden Theatre, and you come at once to the Hall. Appear- oft, generally with a gardenia in his evening dress coat, this worthy is sometimes confounded with the Floral Hall. Todo soisa mistake, F, Hall is lower down: this is KE. Hatt, and—that’s h-all, at presen on this subject. at what does this mean in the Prospectus ?—‘* Companies of A with Accompanists and Conductors complete,” may be had at prices varying from 80 to 200 guineas.” How are her sent out? Packed in Private Boxes ? e, of course, is guaranteed, oe novelty of the ensuing Italian Opera Season will be P bre but time is a we Are they warranted to keep in any climate? It so like one of Professor BLann’s advertisements of a Box of Tricks, or of somebody who provides an entire evening’s entertainment; and Mr. Gre might have added, “Samples sent post-free to any part of the ap es on receipt of thirteen stamps.” The energetic ay ay already oe fy (through us) of the applications of which the following, incl for publication, are, we suppose, fair specimens :— (Zo The Manager of the I. O. C.,*Zimited.) Deak Sr, SEEING your advertisement, I ey request that you will forward a company of Artists to play the Huguenots, with Accompa- nist and Conductor complete. We'll do it in our back drawing-room, as a little surprise to my wife on her birthday. Eighty guineas being your lowest figure, I don’t mind going to eighty-two if you’ll throw in Sir Junius. Song, but no supper. Handel House (No 32, corner of Brown Street), Kensington, W. (To Mr. Gye, Covent Garden Opera House, London.) Sir, WE are opening the new wing of St. Florida’s Church, next Thursday. Having seen your representation of The Cathedral Scene in_ the Prophéte, should like to know if we can arrange for an ‘Entire Company” (according to the advertisement in your Pro- spectus) with costumes complete, including the Bishops who, if I remember rightly, are always on in this Scene, and the Choristers who sing that ing Chorus while swinging the incense. Your minimum, I see, is eighty guineas, ‘‘ with Accompanist and Con- ductor complete ;” but, in a geen cause, surely, Sir, you would make some reduction, and we can dispense with the services of the Con- ductor and the Accompanist, as our own Organist will do all that’s necessary on our full-toned American harmonium. I think we can manage fifty pounds, but we are only a poor flock, and cannot bear much shearing. Temper then the wind instruments to us, and oblige Yours truly, Cope Rectory. Cas, YEUBEL. Deak Sr, I’m givin JoHNNIES, a bachelor -p of your Companies down ‘* Companies of Artists, wi Accompanist and Conductor, complete, from eighty to two hundred guineas.”” We should like a Comic Opera —aae g light and funny, with lots of ‘‘ go” in it, good Singers, and Chorus. Chuck in a Ballet, and I’ll go to ninety quid. The Accompanist and Conductor included, of course. Send BEVIGNANI. Yours, truly, Beaness Lodge. Titus A. DrumM, P.8.—On second thoughts, I don’t think we’ll have the Chorus. It will be after dinner, and we can do that part of the business ourselves. 2nd P.S.—I reopen this letter to say that, on consideration, we can do without a lot of eee Lee. One good ’un will do.;|A real Comic cove, with a set of first-rate songs. _ 3rd, PS.—Haven’t time to re-write foregoing; but on carefully thinking over what will most amuse the Chappies, I have come to the conclusion that you’d better make the entire Company Ballet. We can do without old Bevienani, and prefer Bevy of Gals. The Accompanist nme ye | send anyone who doesn’t go in for liquor, and who is strong in the wrists (deaf chap preferred), as we 8 only want him to turn the dle of my mechanical piano, which plays a hundred tunes, with all the latest Burlesque novelties. Perhaps I'd better come up, and choose the troupe myselt, or you send photos. The hall of Beaness Lodge is plenty bi enough for a first- rate Ballet. By the way, supper afterwards, me down yourself, and Gye-ne the party. Larks | a little festivity Entertainment to a few eety and think it will be jolly to have one for the night. Your advertisement says, THE GHOULISH RAILWAY. THERE was a time when we Directors, for the purpose of Railway extension, were content with the homes of the living; but latterly they have tcoveted the a of the dead. The Churchyard of old St. Pancras was the first annexation, and now the Burial-ground of St. James’s, in the Hampstead Road, is threatened. No ground in London is probably more wanted as an ‘‘ open eo for the recreation of the poor creatures who are chained by work toa crowded neighbourhood, but as those who have the purchase- money for it once are willing to sell it again, with the bones of the helpless tenants for whom it was bought, the chances are that the Ghoulish Railway Company will getit. Is the money to be used for the decoration of a fashionable Church in Piccadilly ? Wuene are the Solomon Islands? Well—we should say they are exactly the antipodes of the Scilly Isles.

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190 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arar 21, 1883, THE TWO HUNDRED. (A little after a famous Original.) CueErs to the right of him, Cheers to the left of him, Cheers from the front of him Volleyed and thundered ! That wasn’t half enough, Rude Ranpry to rebuff, ey pen per pu Tory Two Ei ded’! ; ‘Pooh! let young puppies ye We know you lead us well Scorn’faction’s low bray | ’Gainst jeers to mock you meant, Letters to shock you meant, Just put this document,’ Says Sir Joun MowBray. Quite so! Your health, Sir 8.! Woopcock has made a mess, Finds he has blundered ; Long may you lead your lot, Give it — foemen hot, Cut by Lord R., but not Not your Two Hundred ! i | In Earnest. THE portrait of Mr. Ernest Hant was presented to Mrs. Hart ag Oe leading members of a — ; see, 2 recognition o great public services, particularly in con- AW nection with the British Medi- } ws eal Association. The names .: of Sir Henry THompson, Mr. i] if wi a NS -_ wi Spencee WELLs, Dr. Quarn, i / il and others of the same emi- / | nence, show that it was a genuine tribute to the work of one a. Hart —_ many Earnest Hearts, ai b Cool Heads and Steady ds. The address itself was read by the Gentleman who bears the appropriate name of NoBLE SMITH. ni PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 132. CHIEF-SUPERINTENDENT WILLIAMSON, At THE HEAD oF THE DYNAMITE-DETFE3TION AND FENIAN FERRETING-OUT DgPpaRTMENT. * Palmam qui m2ruit —FERRRT,” RATHER CRAFTY. Wut taking our “re- freshment” after ‘“‘ labour,” we read the following :— “ His Royal Highness the Duke of CoNNAUGHT yesterday after. noon laid the foundation-stone of St. Ann’s Church, at Bagshot, with Masonic rites... . The Bishop of WINCHESTER officiated during a portion of the service.” Odd this. Is St. Ann in the Freemasonic Calendar? We can understand “‘ Masonic rites” at the foundation of a Temple dedicated to Hrram of e, of which Hrzam Masons must be a little tired. The Bishop of WINCHESTER seems to have struck. Perhaps it occurred to his Lordship that ‘*Masonic rites” on such an occasion were not quite in his line, so he would ‘‘ either letter it or halve it”—and_ he halved it. By the way, Past Grand Master Punch has it on record that the last ecclesi- astical Grand Master in Eng- was Cardinal Wotsey, It is commonly said that it is so useful for a tradesman to be a member of the Craft; but, we ask, what well-known partner of an old-established firm is decidedly not a Mason? The immediate answer must be “‘ Fortnum.” ** Counts Out.’’—The place par excellence for ‘‘ Counts Out” is Italy. Any number of Counts out there, being often Counts out at elbows, Counts out of employment, and Counts out of luck gene- rally. Tae Rartway PassEncers’ Duty.—To see that the Direc- tors are up to their work. NOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER. We’vE bin a-jogging on wery comfortably at the Manshua House for the last two or three munse. We ginrally has a Royal Prinse or a Dook or a couple of Markisses every week. Nothink keeps ’em away for long. If they ain’t asked to dinner to eat and drink, they cums to a to talk, and to recommend other, and of course commoner peeple to subscribe their money, which is, [ think, werry kind on ’em. That’s wot I calls a werry fair diwision of labour. The swells does the talking and the snobs finds the money, | M ~~ both ie - pa ee their 5 gates. . ~—_ gits a peep at ’em can possibly manage it. I likes to see the fon and almost revverenshal look with which the middling orders gazes upon a reel live Prinse, and how 5 Amgaeg with perfect rapshur on every word as falls from his Ro ips. e have had all our reglar Bankwets as usual, and they ’ve all been yay! enjoyed as l, but there was nothink speshal about ‘em to call for remark, until last Wensday, and then I’m enclined to think as our nobel Egipshun All saw such a sight as must have eae and estonished its werry eyes if it had happened to have any. Fancy the subblime idear of asking All the Egipshun Officers to come to the Egipshun All and have some dinner! And not only the Commanders and the Kernels and the Captings, but even the werry lowest of the low, even the deputy Surgeons wasn’t left out in the cold, bat had reel turtle and Cham- Ea earn mare het C) ing as me was the gratifying fact that the members of the old a reper wasn’t a-going for to let theirselves be out out by their scarlet gests, so every one of ’em, as it seemed to me, who could either borrow or higher a red coat, put it on for this speshal millitary occasion. I herd one on’em who had got a red coat on that was quite big enuff for two, explain that he came in that wanderfool garment coz the ticket of inwitation said Uneform. The Lorp Mare set the egsampel, and looked like a reel Majar- General, nearly all the Court of Aldermen followed sute, and then came the Deputy Leftenant Common Counsilmen, and a werry striking display they made, you may be sure, speshally two or three remarkably stout Deputys who seemed to have been getting reddy for an enlarged Copperashun. Then again, to match the two field arshalls as came with the other gests, we had our own City Field Marshall, Major Campse ct, looking as ig as the best on om and the Sheriff's Field Marshall, Pontrrex, looking the appiest o the lot, because he had his own Field Marshalless with him looking as bright as a sun " The trubbel I had to explane to the reel solgers all the unyforms of the sham solgers was sumthink quite strawnery, and I am in sum cases I had to shoot the long bow. Of course I may be sum- wot predjudished, but to my mind, of all the splendid rey in that noble All, commend me to those of the 4 Royal Waiters atendance on the 2 Reval Princes, and in atendance on nobody else, with their butiful scarlet coats, and their golden oupericts with their real solid gold fringe, and their stately and horty demeaner! I had quite a frendly chat with one of them after the Bankwet, of course paying him propper r t, and he told me, quite in oni While ho la idly puffed his Siggare teh ae cal Ris ows Ro employer—they never use the word Master—but his Elustrus Brother the P——e of W——=s have exprest theirselves werry strongly indeed against the abberlishun of the Grand Old Copperashun, not only so, but their equally Elustrus Unkel the D——e of pepe expressed the decided opinion that it would be a dashed shame to

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Arai 21, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. -—-— eo ————_ a te te) =Ssa—= = mm Bn rare i INDICATIONS, BUT HEEDED NOT THEIR PORTENT ! VERY MIDST OF A SPRING CLEANING !! HE MIGHT HAVE FORESEEN IT FROM CERTAIN SIGNS, HAD HIS DULL BRAIN BUT RECOGNISED THEIR SIGNIFICANCE, "TWAS BUT THE THRIFTY MAID BIDDING TIME TO PASS AND LEAVE HIS CLEANLY FOOTSTEPS OVER ALL, AND NOT TILL ITS SCATTERED GERMS WERE GATHERED IN FULL FORCE, AND WITH A WILD FURY LET LOOSE UPON HIS BED-ROOM—AND FINDING ALL THAT WAS, WAS NOT!—DID HE REALISE THAT HE WAS IN THE PSA me i ) HE THOUGHT ANON HE OBSERVED FURTHER so, as to his thinking the only place in which to get a reelly great er was the Manshun House. Of course I don’t pretend to know much about how importent matters like these is managed in the ae World, but I should think that such rewelashuns as these would settle the matter at wunse, and shut up the Firth of Forth like a werry hard frost. Iwish sum of our bitter foes could have herd the Lorp Marr's speech. Didn't he tell ’em just all about the Egypshun Champain ! y there was sum things as he told ’em as even I hadn’t heard on afore. And what did Lord Garnet WoLsEY say in reply, and this ought to be writ in gold inthe memory of every friend of the old Copperashun, ‘‘I ask for no greater reward, however long I may live, than that I have received to-day.” It’s the custom of many unthinking people to laugh at the old Copperashun because they indulges theirselves and their frends pretty offen in all the dellycases of horspitality, but the nex time as any such ungenerous thort comes across what they calls their minds, let them remember the grand old history of the grand old Coppera- thun, and let them also remember, that one of the coolest as well as one of the bravest ree go this great country ever produced not only said the words quoted ‘above, but also said at Gildhall that werry same morning, as I herd with my own ears, that the receet of the Telegram from the Lorp Maze and Copperashun immediately after his great wictory gave him the greatest and most intense pleasure. And why, because for ages and ages, no great man who has dun country good serwice thinks he’s had his full reward till he’s a honnerray freeman of the oldest the richest the charitablest and the horsepitablest City as is to be found in Urop in Asia in Africka or in Ameriker. RoBEgT. Tue Proprietors of the Illustrated Weekly Papers must have trembled last Saturday morning when the Daily Telegraph came out with a couple of Pictures of ‘‘No. 1.” If ‘ Your likeness in A CAST-IRON EDITOR. 'y Journal, devoted to the cotton, wool, and iron trades, asks if ‘‘ someone = 1 only i up a patent, automatic, self-adjusting, double-backed, cast-iron ditor !” WAnTED, a double-backed, cast-iron Editor, One who’s as strong as a full-armoured ship, Who, like a spendthrift when greeting his creditor, Faces the world with a sneer on his lip. He must have works like a patent automaton, Grinding out leaders in regular way, Tackling all dry correspondence, say from a ton Up to a truck-load of letters a day. Then, when the public is terribly down on him, He can preserve a mechanical grin. Little he ll care if opponents should frown on him ; Wind him up well and he’s certain to win. Folks too may always be sure of his attitude ; Springs of cast-steel never vary an inch ; He ’ll reel off epigram, h, platitude— itor peal et 6 plea ! Such is an Hope for All. ** Law bless us!” avery natural exclamation when we read in the Morning Post— “Mr. R. S8. Wricut has been appointed to the post of ‘Devil’ to the ATTORNEY-GENERAL.” The deuce he is! Had Ontexn lived to see this day, how delighted he would have been; so‘also the Poet Burns, who s his Origenal opinions. Eh, mon! just to think that the Devil should come to be Wright at last! Poor Sir Henny James! A forensic Faust with a Mephistopheles always at his elbow! Is Sir Henny nop tes s eeaeaaily repeated, it will be fatal to the existence ‘*The Devil’s Advocate”? How, in view of this fact, can Mr. BRADLAUGH remain an Adiabolist ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Apri 21, 1883, THE WHITEY-BROWNING SOCIETY. (C icated—by our own very serious Joker.) April 1, 1883. Tue Annual Meeting of the above Society was held this month on the aforesaid usual inaugural date, and was in every respect a most successful gathering. z : After recapitulating the delightful waste of time, temper, and intelligence that the Society, through its efforts to further involve and confuse the obscurities of Mr. WarrEy-Brown1ne’s capital con- nundrums, had effected during the course of the pest ear, the Chairman proceeded forthwith to read the following list of subjects selected by the Vice-Presidents for the present discussion :— - 1. Whitey-Browning as a substitute for cheap Champagne. 2. His Narcotic Teaching. 3. Ready-made Clothing and its Psychological Disadvantages, as gathered from the Philosophy of Whitey-Browning. 4, His Estimate of Concrete Clog- Dancing. 5. The Inductive value of his after-dinner Adjectives. 7. Whitey-Browning regarded as an Omnibus Conductor. 8. His subjective love of Marmalade. 9. The Secret of his Abstract Influence at Colney Hatch. On the applause that followed the reading out of this capitally- selected list having somewhat subsided, the Chairman proceeded. He said: ‘‘ He thought that the time had now come when, from a sufficient acquaintance with the foggy—he might say—the inex- plicable phraseology of their illustrious Master, they might them- selves, in their own humble discussion, freely indulge in an obscurity that would render their remarks quite as unintelligible to themselves as they had, he was proud to believe, hitherto proved to the outer world. (Applause.) That manifestation encouraged him. It would be his endeavour, in future, not only not to cultivate the art of expressing himself in ordinary English, but he would go further,— he would do his very best to get along without any grammar. (Applause.) There was, as their press exemplar had well taught them, a wonderful profundity of thought associated with a brick- wall sentence ; and the illustrious thinker, who was able to command an army of interpreting disciples, all of whom knew a good deal better than he did himself what on earth he meant when defying Linptey Murray, became the unconscious Author of a side-splitter so rich, 80 racy, so rare, that they could hardly hope to follow in his killing footsteps. Still they would —. The Chairman then proposed, as subject-matter in illustration of their first thesis, ‘ itey-Browning as a Substitute for cheap Champagne,” to read and examine what he described as one of the illustrious master-singer’s “‘ stiffest little posers,” and proceeded to declaim the following, amid a hushed and respectful merriment :— BROWNING IS——WHAT? Brownine is——what ? Riddle redundant, Baldness abundant, _ Sense—who can spot ? Playing with wisdom, yet fiddle-de-dee, Telescope waiting an eye that can see ; What of the cow that peemaes over the moon ? Dishes enspooning with naught to enspoon ! Come, then, unstrung strangulation, O fiddle, Scrape through the baldness, shy at the riddle! Guess it again Over your grog, ° And aught that was plain Grows thick, grows fog, Grows fog ! The discussion of the above was then commenced, and led, as usual, to the customary displays of irritability and ill-temper on the part of the withered and worn-out disputants, the Deputy- Secretary being specially aggressive in his attitude as to the exact on significance of the expression, ‘‘ fiddle-de-dee.” atters, moreover, were brought somewhat to a crisis by the propo- sition of a new member that the meeting should close its proceedings eagueptiataly with a game of blind man’s buff. pon the Chairman, who seemed to take to the task cheerfully, — the Resolution to the vote, though there was a good deal of asty feeling manifested by a small minority, who insisted that ** they still had th eir heads tolerably clear,” it was carried at once, and the further discussion of the rest of the programme was adjourned almost unanimously,‘amidst cheers of evident relief. _After a little desultory and nagging conversation as to the advisa- bility of entering into a contract with some respectable local butter- man to the surplus numbers of the Society’s Papers by the proceedings terminated. N.B.—M being ‘conscious of the existence of a Society nevertheless appears to him to have certain vague, yet kindred points of resemblance to the institution with an account of the roceedings, of which his seriously jocose correspondent has here Firnished him, wishes, while passing little judgment on either, to do full justice to both. No one has a greater regard and respect for a great name than Mr. Punch. But knowing that the injudicious and exaggerating adulation of over assiduous disciples will often not only make genius itself look ridiculous, but sometimes even flatter and delude it till it wander unconsciously from the pathway of its own loftiest purpose, he publishes the above for what it is cn I to be taken, cum grano, no doubt, but still he thinks eae e en. PROSECUTING—A SEARCH ! (Extract from the Note-Book of Mr. Punch's sharpest Detective, ) 9 a.M.—Got my instructions. Thought the task a most difficult one, but determined to succeed. Laid in compressed provisions, and chartered a fire-engine, so as to get from p to place with the greatest possible celerity. Started. 10 a.M.—Have been to all the Police Courts, Many interesting cases. Brutal assaults, successfal attempts at fraud, &c., &c. How- ever, in spite of all my efforts, could hear nothing of him. He didn’t seem to be known anywhere. lr 12 Noon.—Attended all the County Courts now sitting. Again found lots of work which he might have undertaken. But no, the hadn’t even heard his name. Officials ewes > I was joking when et Se him. General impression was t he had never been appo . 2 P.m.—Been to all the Private Inquiry Offices. Plenty of matters there ripe for his manipulation. Was informed that he never inter- fered. Could get no question about him answered. msus of opinion that he was a — 4 p.M.—Have spent the last two hours in the Royal Courts of Justice. Seemed for a moment to be upon the scent. His name had been mentioned recently in a case which had come before the Lord Chief Justice. Apparently he had been “inquired after” (like things in the City), but had not been found. Many trials were going on in which he might reasonably have taken a part. But not a vestige of him to be seen. ed everywhere. Think, after he must be a ‘“‘ legal fiction.”? However, will not give up. 8 run him to earth if my life is long enough. 6 p.M.—Tried at all the Police Stations. Nearly got ‘trun in” myself in consequence. Inspectors on duty thought my inquiries were ‘‘a lark.” Assured them that 1 was in earnest. Inspectors convinced, but told me that ‘‘information had not been received” about him by them, nor by anyone else. 8 p.M.—Attended by a Constable, visited all the Pawnbrokers’ Shops in shady neighbourhoods, and offices of receivers of stolen generally. None of their proprietors had ever heard of him. hey said, however, that if he been appointed, they did not object to him if he did nothing more in the future than he had done in the past. Constable, in taking leave, advised me to give up my a Bagg = that ae was ——e oT ee dis- eartened. But courage! courage! courage nce more yoicks !— hark away !—I will have him yet! . 10 p.M.—Looked in at all the Vestry Meetings. Labour spent in vain. Asked the Clergy of all denominations ‘‘if they had ever come across him?” ‘They answered, “ ta had plenty of work for him, but, as a matter of fact, they not seen him.” Galloped in my fire-engine to all the Gaols. Governors very and obliging. But one reply, ‘‘ Did not know him.” None of the naa seemed to have any recollection of him. Utterly defeated! eary and sorrowful, returned home. . 12 MipwieHt.—Hooray! Eureka! Have discovered him at last! Took down an “‘ Almanack for 1883,” and spotted him at once! Here he is, accompanied by an ‘Assistant (£1000),” a “ Clerk (£380),”? and costing with the rest of his staff, £3821 (pre- sumably) a year! Behold him, ‘* Director of Public Prosecutions— Sir Joun Brosset Mave, Q.C.—£2000.” I have found him m Whitaker, but out everywhere else ! Biessines oF THE BupeEt.—Nobody much the worse for it. Some few rather the better. Sixpenny Telegrams, and (preparation for repeal of Silver Plate Duty) slight boon to Silversmiths. Reduc- tion of Passenger Duty for poor Railway Directors. towards redemption of National Debt, with some advantage perhaps to posterity at large, and without much present injury to individua onate gun-licences for accommodation of occasional men. Remission to Income-tax payer of partial impost by halfpence in the pound—for the t. 1 .—Mr. Punch, established by some very well meaning and worthy people, that wish you may get it? Thanks due for small mercies. No new burdens and curses. Any longer—don’t you: @ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders. |) Serre 6k bee Seer ws ee ea aaa

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par 28, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL MUSICAL NOTES. Adapted for the Use of the Royal College of Music, by Dumb-Crambo Junior. et icd../ A eh D / - pony i's ie Press Toe. Portamento. P (if il f v] | . > a ZZ ' ‘a J, pr} ul en Ten-oary Row-bust-o! oo Cantab ill, eh! ARRIVING AT AMATEURITY. Mr. Puxcu, having been informed on good authority that the unfettered enthusiasts who hold that a special training is by no means necessary to professional competency, and have, as a conse- quence, latterly been taking the Stage, if not the Public, by storm, are 80 angry with Mr. Irvine, that they are about to emigrate en masse, for the purpose of founding a Colony where their own fresh and airy ideas can have free and fair play, desires to recommend the following to their notice. It is merely a chance page taken at random from a little useful handbook (A Complete Letter- Writer) Mr. Punch is compiling, that will, he thinks, be found invaluable to the neophyte in any such Society as his young friends have in contemplation. There are, of course, in Mr. Punch’s collection, models provided for ‘‘ Amateur ” Soldiers, Sailors, Doctors, R.A.’s, Lord Chancellors, and others, but the one he has selected from a distinguished Ecclesiastic will serve very well as a specimen of the rest. letter from an Amateur Archbishop to his Maternal Aunt, announcing his Elevation, and asking Counsel and Advice, My pear AvnTIE, The Palace, April 1. Knowine that only a week since it was finally settled that I should go into the ironmongery business, I dare say it will to some extent surprise you to hear that I am now an Archbishop, having been consecrated, with great pomp, only yesterday afterncon. Ithink I may venture to say that the ceremony went off fairly, and considering that I am so fresh tothe work, I am glad to tell you that I really pet on remarkably well. Beyond holding my pastoral staff upside down, forgetting my apron, leaving out a collect or two, ig on my lawn-sleeves inside out, and bestowing an apostolic ediction on the Verger by mistake for the Sub-dean, there was, me, nothing to distinguish my discharge of my functions the bearing of a veritable St. Anselm. By the way, when Pa write, will you just tell me who St. Anselm was? Also Dunstan? Is not one of them referred to in the Ingoldsby Legends? Of course, it isn’t very important, but still I think it will be as well, now I’m an Archbishop, to be a little up in Church ? And that reminds me of a small commission I have for ha want = to try and get me a good, nice, showy, second- mitre. I am told there may be some technical difficulty raised to my wearing it in the Cathedral itself. But this is clearly absurd. Totell you the truth, my chief reason for entering the Episcopate at was a conviction that I should look uncommo y well in a mitre. untie dear, do go to Nathan’s, and see what you cando. Re- member, an Archbishop’s one. And I should think it so kind of you if you could come round some day next week and have a little eccle- sisstioal chat over a cup of tea. 1 feel I rather want it. The fact is, [have a hea of my own Catec first. You see I have taken to the Church at tuch a regular rush, that I hardly know whereI am. The salary is ji-rate, and I find the gaiters comfortable—still, I should like to ave something to say when I charge my Clergy. You can under- and te that sort of feeling, can’t you, Auntie dear? I shouldn’t like ve to back out of it now, and take to a crossing. a So mind you confirmation on soon, and I should like to be sure | k come early, and give a helping hand to your always affectionate nephew and spiritual father, W. J. New Sanvum. It will be seen readily, from a glance at the above, how very useful a carefully compiled little volume might prove; for it is to be pre- sumed that other Amateurs, like the Amateur Actor, or Arch- bishop, may sometimes find that they have overrated their powers. But a sober word in conclusion. Mr. Punch takes off his hat to Mr. Invine for the highly sensible rebuke he has had the courage to administer to a very foolish, but, it is to be hoped, an equally ephemeral fashion. Yet the cultivated Mentor and Manager himself, makes one mistake. His calling, except in a certain modified sense, cannot be regarded as a ‘‘ profession.’”? A man whu has been called to the Bar,—and is acknowledged, tpso facto, as having gone through all the drudgery of preparation— becomes, at once, a Barrister. The same process holds good if Medicine, the Army and Navy, and the Church. It is this process of preparation that distin- guishes a ‘* profession” properly socalled. Foran Amateur to rush into a prominent position on the Stage is much the same thing as if a mere Law Student were to force his way into Court in the outward trappings of a Queen’s Counsel, brief in hand, having literally taken Silk, without anybody having offered it to him. But in dismissing the matter, Mr. Punch would move an Amend- ment on his friend Mr. Invine’s Motion. He would not scatter the Amateurs like chaff. On the contrary, he would welcome as man of them as felt the histrionic call to the stage-door. But he would let them pass it only with this proviso—that they should go through a regular apprenticeship. They should have only a word or two—or perhaps a walk on—and off. But no ca ey of three months’ private study should be permitted to appear in the leading ré/e of any piece. Professors of their Art like Mr. RyprR .or Mr. NEVILLE should not lend their names to such inartistic attempts, which can do neither themselves nor their pupils any sort of good. The public is becoming weary of these exhibitions of amateur incompetency, and of what use is it to the neophyte to appear as Juliet or Julia, and then be engaged, if at all, as a ‘‘ walking lady ”’ or third-rate chambermaid ? Mr. Punch fancies that his counsel, as given above, would solve and settle the matter once for all, and speedily too. So there is Mr. Punch’s advice. And now let some enterprising Manager try it. ‘* SUPPLY.” Two hundred dozen of Pommery, the World informed us last week, is ordered for the National Liberal Club at the Aquarium, which, the Conservatives would naturally remark, sounds like rather a fishy place for a banquet. It is sincerely ho by all lovers of Pommery, whether Liberal or Conservative, that this large order will not exhaust the greens stock. We should be deeply grieved if Pommery ran dry,—though, in another sense, provided that it only eeps on “‘running,” it may run as ‘‘dry” as it likes. There will be two thousand convives erst so that this gives one bottle and one-fifth to each person. If the Waiters are all selected from the Blue Ribbonmen, and if a fair proportion of the company is te:- totally inclined, the liberal drinkers may get a couple oi botti s e a-piece. After dinner the Banquettists will feel - oe the proper humour to “ inshpeck what’ ver ’s to b’ sheen at Quar’um.”’ VOL, LXxxtv. 8

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Aprit 28, 1883, ————— —S—_ EEE ZZ j PAWS “4 py) Nk a ! iti ff NN 4) mh | IMUMAIDIIOA\\ NY NNN Dia ~~ A SW My AG (ii ae Uitt ; : ‘ ui 1 i) | ie RO i ue MAKING SURE. **ComE INTO THE CLUB, OLD MAN. IF I win, I’Lu sTaND A BoTtLe oF PirEer!” ‘* Bur IF YoU LOsE?” ‘* BuT WE MAY BE TOO EARLY TO KNOW, YOU KNOW.” ** On, WELL, WE’LL HAVE ONE TO PASS THE TIME!” I’ve gor A Ber oN THE RAceE, AND ‘¢On, WE'LL HAVE ONE TO KEEP OUR SPIRITS UP,” *¢ ALL RIGHT!” $$ STRAY SUNBEAMS. (A Lay of Our Lazy Minstrel.) aus = great-coats ogee eaeppetion ! a urry garments awa Let glossiest hats—all you fellas— Gleam bright in the light of to-day ! The air it is balmy and vernal, We feel a new life has begun : For gone is the weather hibernal— And here is the Sun! The genial sunbeams, in-streaming, Flash bright on my pen as I write! The paper is glowing and gleaming— My eyes are quite dazed with the light! No longer I _ or I shiver, Nor each fellow-creature I shun: I dream of the joys of the River— For here is the Sun ! For England, the ya pa ’s splendid, We live and we breathe now again ! We fancy our trouble is ended, For gone is the fog and the rain : I Jaugh and I sing and I chuckle, I rhyme and I go pe ee I knock on the pane with my knuckle— For here is the Sun! What portents of pleasure I fancy Return with these a sunny rays! What visions of lazing 1 can see, Of languorous, sweet Summer days ; Of yachting and sea-side diversions, And getting as brown as a bun: Of rambles and Alpine excursions— For here is the Sun! I think of long days at lawn-tennis, Of dreams in my bass-wood canoe, Of gondola-lounging at Venice, And skies sempi' blue! I muse o’er the pleasures of playtime, Of laziness, laughter, and fun ; Of lime-sceuted zephyrs and haytime—— But where is the Sun ? [Sun retires behind clouds, rain patters on the pane, and the Lazy One goes to bed. PARLIAMENTARY Parapox.—A Standing Committee formed of Sitting Members. MORE WAX THAN HONEY. As midnight struck in the Bazaar below, the figures at Madame Tussaup’s began to move towards the great hall in which their Anti-Moscow- Wax-works demonstration had been arranged to take a, By universal consent the Russian Giant (holding General ‘Tom Txoms in the palm of his hand) was called upon to preside. The Chairman said he felt the honour conferred upon him very deeply. No doubt the distinction had been bestowed upon him from a sentiment of generosity. (‘‘ Hear, Hear!” from General Tom Tuums.) The grievance they complained of had been forced upon them by Russians, and so they had selected a Russian to take the Chair on this occasion—although it was personally difficult for him to find a seat large and strong enough to support him. (4 laugh JSrom General Tom Tums.) At this point considerable confusion was created by an excited deputation from the Chamber of Horrors insisting on takin in the proceedings. King Ricoarp THE TurRpD objec presence of these figures. He said that they must keep the meeting select, and a line must be drawn somewhere. He would draw the line before the Room of Comparative Physiognomy. King Joun and the effigy of an Anonymous Policeman were under- stood to be of the same opinion. A member of the deputation (whose name was suppressed by uni- versal consent) said that the opposition was absurd. As a matter of fact, they were one of the chief attractions of the Exhibition— (‘* No, no!” from the effigy of an Irish Home-Ruler)—and to exclude them was an insult to the Public to whose amusement it was their aim to minister. (Cheers.) The Chairman suggested that the deputation should be allowed to remain on the eggs ye they took no part in the proceed- ings, &@ proposition to which the meeting ultimately consented to agree. The speaker then continued. They all knew the purpose for which they were gathered together. They were there to protest against the establishment of the Wax Works of Madame Navwaip of Moscow at the Westminster Aquarium. (Cheers.) They had no objection to competition, as their collection was the best an a in the world. (‘‘ Hear, hear!” from General Tom Tuums.) But they did object to the degradation of the Profession. (Loud cheers.) It was said that Madame Navwatp’s Collection of Odd Fishes— (Laughter.) He begged pardon, he should say effigies ; but really, when Wax Works got into an Aquarium, it was not 4 to - uish them from the sojourners in the tanks. (Renewe lengli) hen he heard that the largest group was to consist of one h and ten figures, representing the recent massacre of Jews at Balta before a background formed by an enormous canvas presenting a vivid panorama of the scene, he could not sufficiently ex his indignation. (Loud cheers.) lt was ultra-sensational. (‘‘ Hear, hear !” from the effigy of a Gentleman seated in a bath.) Mr. Copper declared very forcibly that the new-comers would have no chance against the present company. Those around him had the honour of being men of and, considering their wi rivals came from Russia, no doubt—he said it without meaning pa disrespect to the nationality of the great man—(a laugh from Tom 3)—who was acting as their Chairman—no doubt, he repeated, the “eon would be merely things of tallow. ( and laughter. : j Mr. CoppEN said he liked to be o_o and, as a sign of their disapproval of Madame Nauwaxp’s Show, would propose that * this Meeting protests against the holding of the approaching Exhibition, and, as a mark of their easure, declines to patronise it even a8 visitors on the free list.” This Resolution (which was seconded by Sir Francis Burpert) was carried by acclamation. i When our Reporter left, the figures had resumed their normal expressions and positions, and seemed to be giving unlimited sali faction to a highly appreciative Public. ee ew

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PBESeeE SESTAZ2FS | ¥ \ FE sePEe 8 Apri 28, 1883. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Mac. *‘Tais 13 NAE SUNDAY, Mun !—1T’s WEDNESDAY——” Mac, *‘ Awreu! Tarnk 0’ THAT, NOO! THE Hoosk, AN’ WE'VE GOTTEN JUMMELT UP A’ TH’ GETHER! !” THE COLONIES. Traveller (to Squatter), ‘*‘ Hutto, McDonatp! I DIDN’T EXPECT THIS OF you! ALL youR MEN WORKING ON A Sonpay !” Traveller. *‘ Not A BIT OF IT! TuHIs 1s SUNDAY, I ASSURE YOU-—” WE HINNA SEEN A SOWL FOR THREE MoNTHS, AN’ THERE'S NAR AN ALMANACK I’ AN EXTRAORDINARY PLAY-BILL. Tue Earl of Onstow’s Play-bill, thanks to common sense in the Upper House, will not become a Dramatic Act. The scope of the Bill seems to include the encouragement of Amateur Vanity, the dis- couragement of genuine Dramatic Art, and the defrauding Dramatic Authors of their fees. The idea of an attempt to ty 2 Stage Plays from the usual restrictions where the performance, by Amateurs, is for a Charity! Monstrous! Why, the excuse of a Charity is a perfect boon to theatrical Amateurs for airing their vanity, and precious little do “" give beyond their pricelessly valuable time. Amateurs and Professionals do not have to pay Authors’ fees for performance when playing for a Charity, then Charity would be made tocover a multitude of sins, and Charitable performances, in which the only sufferers would be the Authors, would be given daily all over the country. The Amateurs who play for a Charity cannot get their costumes, their nage € their gas, their theatre, hall, or their music gratis; why then should the Author, to whom they probably do the grossest injustice by their ridiculous attempts at acting his piece, be the only one unpaid? The Author, if the case be a deserving one, can hand back his fees, or can pay them into the Charity’s account as a donation, but he must not be forced to surrender his dues on every occasion when the Charitable Amateurs choose to gratify their yey his expense. t Dramatic Authors’ Society has fought very hard to enforce the rights of its members, and has succeeded. All this labour would ply thrown away, and several A-.thors whose plays, written » now, brin em, or their heirs, a small annuity, woul themsel elves have had to appeal to a Charitable performance, should this Bill, by any unha BY chance, have become an Act. 4 e performance, a most deserving case is that af ade a charita » EDWARD Royce, whose drollery has amused us so many times at the Gaiety. Illness has suddenly deprived him of the means of earning his livelihood by the exercise of his profession, and, besides a handsome subscription which has been already started by his brother professionals, a Benefit is to be given for him at the Gaiety Theatre on the Fifteenth of May. Everyone will give their services, the Authors will give their pieces, and Mr. Punch strongly recom- mends this case to the charitable pla going Public. y Mr. Penninerton, the Gladstonian Shakspearian Actor, is to appear next Friday at a Gaiety Matinée in the play of Ingomar. The following week he should balance it by Ceca | something called Outgopa’. The pictorial wall advertisements could represent the old barometrical toy, with In-go-mar and Out-go-pa’ for the wet weather. signal, SEASONABLE THEORY.—The original of all such really strong expressions as have since been the cause of innumerable tears to the ‘* Recording Angel,” must have been something uttered by the pro- genitor of the human race when, after his expulsion from Eden, he encountered, for the first time in his life, just as he turned a corner, a. blast of the bitter North-East Wind. Pastors OF THE Pantry.—A certain Reverend Footman has written a book on Modern Unbelief. If for this work he is now putes to the go Bench, will he take the title of the cele- rated Bishop Butler ? ‘* Mr. WILLING’s QurrE.’”’—This doesn’t sound so much like music, d | but like twenty-four big sheets of advertisement over the Metro- politan hoardings. MarTeRtats For Exprosions (from the List of a Female Home- Ruler.) —Club-Dinnerites and the glistening of Latch-Keys.

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196 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arar 28, 1883, ————_ COLOMBA; OR, SOMETHING LIKE A LIBRETTO. Wuewn this notice appears, energetic Mr. Cart Rosa and his capital Opera troupe will have disappeared from London, to fulfil their numerous and hitherto deservedly successful Provincial engagements, which will in all probability occupy the remainder of the year. So full of promise (and of performance) has been this short, far too short, season at Drury Lane, so ready has the musical and theatre-going public been to recognise the merits of the Operatic Company, that, if a committee of distinguished and wealthy amateurs of music, with the support of H.R.H. the Prince of Wars, were now to take in hand the institution of a subsidised English Opera House in London, under the thoroughly practical and experienced direction of Mr. Cart Rosa, the present year would not come to an end without seeing the commencement, and, we will venture to assert, the satisfactory commencement, of such an undertaking. The materials are ready to hand, and a scheme,—by the kind per- mission of Mr. GrorcE GrovE,—carefully matured and judiciously developed, without fear, favour, or fanaticism, would serve ali the —— for which the new Royal College of Music has been set on foot. The latest novelty produced by the Carl Rosa troupe was Colomba, an Opera in Four Acts, music by Mr. A. C. Mackenzrg, and book by Dr. Franz Hogrrer. The latter we will consider presently. The undeniable success of this ‘‘ Lyrical Drama’’ (as it is styled in the published book) in Four Acts must have been most grati- fying to the Composer, who, not to be beaten by Dr. HuEFFER’s won- derful words,—and he has given him some _ twisters.—has tri- umphed over all difficulties of language and plot, and has given to the world a work of which Waerer, in his best Flying Dutchman time, might have been justly proud. The Overture is charming. There is not a dull scene (music- ally) in the whole Opera, of which, as far as melody goes, the gem is rea op Boe a . orn poceny 4 ” ’ 74 in the Third Act, prettily sun Miss Perry as Chilina, to whom, though hers is comqpaiieal : small part, fall the two airs to which the Opera will owe its popula- rity, and through which it will become widely known to the Concert- going and outside public. Dr. HvgFFeR has written a modest preface to his libretto, in which he fairly acknowledges his inability to surpass the poetry of ALFrEp Bunn, or to rival the dramatic force and knowledge of stage-effect possessed by the late Mr. FitzBpaLtt. As to the first-named, Dr. Franz Huerrer has done himself an injustice. In some instances he has beaten Poet Bunn on his own lines; but, on the other hand, he has still much to learn from the works of E. Firzpati. _ The “‘ accompanied” speeches are a de- cided improvement on the old Italian recitative and the English spoken dialogue, singers being rarely as elocutionists. When we saw Colomba, an apology had to be made for Mr. Popz, who, although suffering from absolute extinction of voice, yet, with commendable pluck, came on and played the part of Count de Nevers in dumb show. Mr. Pops proved himself to be an able pantomimist, accurately conveying Dr. Hoxrreer’s meaning to his companions on the Stage and to a sympathetic audi- ence, by the simplest but most expressive gestures. We missed his valuable assist- ance in concerted pieces, but we fancy we did not lose very much by not hearing him say, for instance, ‘* While I attend to the affairs of State, And vainly try with oy, epg affability To win the King some hearts; I grieve that your ability Of public speech has left me to my fate, Being, it seems, engrossed by some grave subject Of philosophic import.”’ Which lines, spoken in a Gilbert-Sullivan eccentric Opera at the Savoy, by Mr. GrossmirH, who would at once proceed to tell us in a song how he became an affable diplomatist, would have been received with a shout of laughter, and welcomed as real genuine humour. Design for the Two Barracini Extinguishers. Count de No-I-Nevers- did-you-evers ? But Dr. Huerrer, who is, of course, a humorist in disguise, simply means to convey that the Count’s daughter and a Captain Orso have been talking together, and not taking him into their confidence ; a slight that has somewhat nettled him, though he restrains his feelings of just annoyance, and expresses himself with a * diplomatic Hueffer-bility,” Chilina says, * T’ll sing you the song, in spite of the law And all the gendarmes of Corsica.” Dr. Huerrer, it is rumoured, has been already engaged to write the next Gaiety Burlesque. Then :— ‘* Where the shadiest seat of your choice is, ~ . * * . Ae Master Mc(uckin as Orso-and-so. Fools- cap extinguisher pat- tern. Shall we whisper with mingled voices.” Here is quite a Shakspearian couplet, with a kind of Two Dromios’ smack about it:— T will conduct you where no one will find us, Lean on my arm ; they will walk behind us.” Then there is a stage-direction—most of the stage-directions are worth reading—“' Exit rapidly, with a smile on her lips.” ere on earth would the subtle humorist, Dr. Hurrrer, have her smile? On her nose? Orso, addressing Lydia “‘ distantly,” and yet calling her ‘‘ dearest lady.” explains that for ‘‘ your father’s child” (which is the Hibernian- Huefferian-puzzle-poetic-expression for “* you”) it is ‘not seemly To meet in this wild place a friend of brigands, Whose head is threatened by the law.” Here the secret-punster hints that an attempt is on foot to get Orso’s head into Chancery, On one occasion Lydia exclaims, ‘‘ passionately” :— *¢ Let not the fire I saw in your glance Be kindled to flames of passion wild By the idle words of a reckless child.’’ The “Reckless Child” in question being Madame VaALiEria as Colomba. Quite a suggestion for a subject for a song by Mr. GEORGE - GrossmMITH, with Madame VaLLERIA on the title-page, ‘* She was such a Reckless Child.” Colomba is killed at the finish, and very badly killed too. Her death is ineffective, but the final hymn—the hymn which is ‘‘all for her’’—is clelahie, and we forgive HUEFFER and bless Mackenziz. But this murder of Colomba—which sounds like pigeon- shooting in Italy—is wanton cruelty on the part of Doctor Franz HvEFFER, who ought to have done his best as a Doctor to keep his patient alive. How- ever—beg pardon—HuveEFrer, Colomba will live by the aid of Dr. MACKENZIE. Colomba will not be relegated to the Co-lumber room of forgotten music. Who killed Colomba? I, said Franz HvueErrer. And why did she die? This way, says Chilina :— “ This precious life fell a sacrifice To her brother’s satety. We could not withhold her. i “ ° ‘ - Until she was struck By a bullet, and lifeless sank on my shoulder.” Bravo, Poet Huzrrer! And how did shedie? Thus— “ Colomba. I die contented. My task is done!” —Like Tom Moorr’s Peri—“ Joy! joy! my task is done! ”— *¢ My father is revenged, my brother free. When you are happy, remember me!’ Wi em Colomba the Corsican Sister; or, Hueffer’s ‘“ Reckless Child.” There ’s a reminiscence of Bunn about this couplet in the ‘‘ reme ber me” which we regret, as suggesting a comparison prejudicial to the fame of the Author of Colomba. k We quit the book with regret. There are so many Huefferian — to which we should so much’ like to draw public attention. ere is a couplet :— ‘* Have I not watched, and wept, and waited by night and day For the coming of thee who to me of all is the dearest ?” Isn’t ‘‘the coming of thee” beautiful? Any ordinary bard would have written ‘‘ For your coming,” and made up his metre in some other commonplace manner. But not so our Humorous HUEFFER. And now farewell, Dr. Hvzrrer! and “if for Hueffer, fare thee well!” Success to Colomba / which we hear is to be done in Germany, where, no doubt, the libretto will be intensely appreciated.

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Apri 28, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 197 MORE REMARKABLE STATEMENTS. From Mr. Berty Phibber, of Somerset House, to his Official Superior. Srz,—My absence from work for five and a half days may, I fear, have appeared to you somewhat irregular, but I feel sure that when explain the fearful, and indeed appalling, events through which I have passed, you will ascribe my non-at- tendance to its right cause. 1 have been the victim of Dynamite Conspirators! Like Mr. (Guy, of the Telegraph Department, I have been waylaid by Fenian emis- saries. On Saturday afternoon last I was walking down Piccadilly (on my way home to Brix- ton) when I was accosted by a person who seemed to be quite a Gentleman. He asked me if I had recently heard any news from my second cousin in Australia. This ap- peared to me so remarkable a knowledge of my private affairs, as I have no second cousins at all, and therefore none in Aus- tralia, that I was induced to accompany the tlemanly stranger into a rather low public-house close to icester Square. After treating me to one or two glasses of wine, which 1 am convinced were drugged, he expressed a desire to see the view from the top of the house. He therefore led me up several flights of stairs, then up a ladder, and into a dark garret, where I was immediately gagged, rendered insensible with a chloroformed handkerchief and several terrible blows on the head, and heavily manacled and strapped to the floor. In this situation I was left for four days and nights; and I can assure you that I felt the position a really trying one. On the evening of Wednesday my inhuman captors returned. I assured them that you would be getting quite impatient at my pro- longed absence. They merely laughed, but allowed me to sit up a little. Then placing several dynamite bombs to my head, they ordered me, on pain of instant death, to reveal the whereabouts of the sentries, the thickness of the walls, the locality where the cash-box was kept, and other details relative to Somerset House. I threw them off the scent as much as possible, and I invented a secret passage —. under the Embankment to Westminster, which I fancy they inten to blow up when they find it. I ought to have said that the men had most remarkably livid faces, half green and half orange in hue! The miscreants then bandaged my eyes, knocked me on the head, and must have taken me in an insensible condition down to Brighton, because, curiously enough, I found myself lying just outside the Aquarium there, tn the gutter, on Thursday night, with no money at in my pocket. My medical adviser says there can be no doubt at all that I have been in some unusual situation, and advises me not to return to duty for a few days longer. From Mr. Augustus Flighty to Miss Jones, London. My own Amanpa,—Can you ever forgive me? You will, I know, my love, when you hear my romantic tale. It must, indeed, have an unexpected surprise to you to arrive at the church-door on our wedding day, and for me not to appear after all! I hope your dear father has not been put to much expense about the wedding breakfast. Tell him that the tradesman can send the bill in to me, if they think it worth their while to do so. The cause of my absence, my love, was, I need hardly say, simply an overpowering necessity. Nothing else could have kept me from the Hymeneal Altar. Shortly after that conversation with your , just before our marriage day, in which he told me that an unfortunate speculation of his on the Stock Exchange would prevent his settling anything whatever upon you, I was returning home, buried in pleasing dreams of our future bliss, when no fewer than JSifteen determined-looking Fenians rushed upon me, each brandish- ing five-hundredweight of nitro-glycerine in his right hand. A : explosion at once occurred, which actually blew me into the middle of next week, this, of course, rendering it impossible for me to be present at the nuptial ceremony. You will doubtless notice, = love, that I date this letter from New York. “ How I came here I really have no recollection what- ever, I attribute it solely to the one «ge which is some- times very peculiar in its operation, and I shall, of course, return as soon as possible. However, as the Fenians took my purse, I am quite destitute, and should therefore be glad if your dear father send me £50 at once. Yours, with unalterable affection, though in a rather shattered condition, AvaustTus. From Master Bobby Larker, at Dr. Grimshaw’s Academy, to his Parents. Dar Para any Mamua,—On my way back to school yesterday, I met with a terrible adventure, whish De. Grimshaw is can pare? tosay is alla sham! All the fellows here say I must have been hocussed, but Dr. GrrwsHaw says it is nota question of hocussin but of hoazing. Iknow you will believe me when I say that I fe in with a lot of Fenians in the railway-carriage, who cleared me out of all that money you so kindly gave me. Can I have some more, dear Papa and Mamma? I think it is dreadful that boys cannot go in carriages without being blown up. J have not been blown up, except by Dr. Grimsuaw ; but I am sure I should have been, as well as being robbed and half murdered, and I know that ‘‘ No. 1”? was there, because the man looked just like him! I will not trouble ou, dear Mamma and Papa, by describing how I was attacked, but should be glad of some more money, and the Fenians, I was for- getting to say, also took ewer that jolly hamper you gave me with the tarts and things. ay I have another? Your ever affectionate Bossy, FOR JOE! (Nonsense Verses on some Nonsense in Prose.) Tre Junior Member for Birmingham Flouts Earls, Dukes, and Marquises, terming ’em Mere increment-winners, Not toilers and spinners,— Smart facers—were facts found confirming ’em. Not toilers and spinners! Come, J. C., A Lord has no call to be lazy. Although Pussy GRANVILLE Mayn’t toil at the anvil, His labours are many and mazy. Were all ‘‘ unearned increment ”’ taken From Trade’s little perks, Trade might waken To find that her hoard Had half gone by the board,— Nay, even your own might be shaken. To rashly and blindly abuse, Jor, Is foolishness. Men win and lose, Jor, By toil not their own, And by spinning unknown To the hands that own Acres—or Screws, Joxr. You consider political lilies To cumber the earth, and your will is To put in the sickle ! That’s trash, Jog, to tickle The ears of crude Radical sillies. You Radicals often are crude, Jor, Too boyishly cocky and rude, Jor, The “‘ root of the matter” Is yours, but pert chatter Suggests that the judgment is ‘‘ screwed,’’ Jox. Even Trade has its cankers—so terming ’em— Into other folks’ blossoms sly worming ’em, Its ‘‘ corners” and ‘“‘ rings.’ You have heard of such things, = Though not—oh! of course not—in Birmingham ! Take more ‘‘ liberal”? views, Joz, and wider. The réle of a cocky derider Is much wnfradig. He who markets will ri Is a spinner—and so is a Spider Mr. Jay Goutp, the Mammoth Millionnaire, with his hundreds of thousands of Goulden sovereigns, can throw away a couple of thou- sands a month, says the Spectator, and be all the richer for it. Poor man! We wish we were somewhere near when the money is flying about. Yet when he goes yachting round the world, this man made of money will often find himself in some Straits. Farmers who have anticipated making a good thing out of their lambs, will now advertise to exchange them for sheep. The adver- —— will be headed, ‘‘ New bs for Old Ones.” Vivat gina ! Mr. Brapiaven has been successful in keeping himself out of prison; but hasn’t he somehow managed to put his Foors in it ? ““Tae Rott or THE Aazs.””—The Penny Roll at Railway Refreshment-Rooms,

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ee ee ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Apri 28, 1883, rif | onan inl ARCADES OMNES. “SIR GORGIUS MIDAS IN THE CHAIR.” Tvast Master, ‘* PRay sILENOE, GENTLEMEN, FOR Sim Pomery BepEiu!” Sir Pompey Bedell. *‘ Sin Gor@IUS—AND—GENTLEMEN——" Grigsby (aside to Ponsonby de Tompkyns). ‘‘ AHEM, A VERY PROPER DISTINCTION !” SOME DAY. Wooncock’s VERSION OF WELLING’s Sona. Small Boy sings— I know not what you think of Me, I know not as our glances meet, Whether yours gleam with mockery, Or with approval warm and sweet. It may not be till years have passed, Till this moustache is touched with grey, The world’s a lottery, but at last, As statues we shall meet—some day ! Some day I shall meet you. I don’t quite know when or how, Only this, I°‘m game to beat you, ough our leaders flout me now! I know not what of them you think, Of Satispury hot and Srarrorp cold ; I know not whether that’s a wink Of aympethy with Woopcock buld. But when we meet, some day, some day— As statues (I'll have one, you ’ll see)— I rather think the world will say That I’ve the pull—’twixt you and me. Some day I shall meet you, I don’t quite know when or how, bar Daa I’m ome to beat yon, Though your followers flout me now! Certain Liberals are already discussing the floral tribute which shall adorn their buttonholes in honour of the G. O. M., and as we have recently sug} “* Sweet William,” which was not jumped at, we will now give another, which will recall the features and the characteristics of the Great Premier—and everyone will acknowledge its appositeness when we name “ The Collar-flower,”’ or as it may be called, the Shirt-Collar-flower. NEW PICCADILLY WATERWORKS. On Friday the 27th the new Galleries pay os to the Institute of Painters in Water Colours, will be opened by the Prince and Princess of Watzs. The “‘ New Departures,” instituted by the Institute are first that the Exhibition is thrown open to all water-colour painters without exception; and secondly, that a School is started where instruction in this particular branch of Art is given free. Anybody with a taste for water-colours, and having a spare half- hour may look in, en passant, and ask for instruction. It is not yet decided whether brushes and paints will be found for the beginner, or whether the applicant must come provided with his own materials. The supply of water will be ted, and for those who are only brandy-and-water or wine-and-water colourists, there will be, we believe, an excellent buffet. The music on the opening night will consist of appropriate selec- tions from the works of Composers who have chosen such water- colour subjects as ‘* Lurline,” ** The Natads,” ** The Waterwitches,” ‘* The Ancient Mariner,” and so forth. Fireworks being quite out of character, the Entertainment will conclude with a splendid displa: of Waterworks, the fountains of Trafalgar Square and the ea having kindly offered for the occasion. Most o Pictures are said to be of the very first water. Nous verrons, and in the meantime Mr. Punch wishes every possible success to the Institute in its new home in Piccadilly. Tue Bancrofters, who have no sympathy with the Skye-Crofters, and when they strike ‘‘ strike ile,” ask, ‘ + can the public want with a Dramatic School of Art, as 1 they have K sh eir School at the Haymarket?” Quite so; and even after their School has been shut up, we still don’t see, and never shall, the necessity for 4 School of Dramatic Art. A good all-round education as a basis, & talent for acting, perseverance, and, as Sam Gerridge says, ‘‘ strict attention to business,” will turn a promising Amateur into a per- forming Professional. Tue Invincibles can quote Sointens selection is, ‘‘ Love the Brother must be a trifle impaired. ‘to their purpose. Their single ood.” By this time their affection

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Apnit 28, 1883. i. hi , i? ecm ole ‘al val ‘ f | ' \ “| piu aana it a { ih , l AUN | fs iit uf a “ i } awit He I if , + fh wi wie I is is a ad — — Mth Aaa SSS >> = > = ——— A DREAM OF THE FUTURE. Lrrmtz Lory R. “AH! THEY'LL HAVE TO GIVE ME A STATUE—SOME DAY!!”

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Apart 28, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 201 AT BOW STREET. (Among the Dynamitists, April 19th.) I par the Cabman his exact fare, and he drove off quite cheer- fully. I knew that for once I had had the best of him, that the locality and the local colouring,—chiefly blue, with silver buttons for it was Bow Street, and he had de- posited me at the Police-Court door, within view of the Police, within imme- diate hearing of a Magistrate. On such an occasion I boldly paid that Cabman his exact fare, with such a sense of confidence as I have never previously experienced. VA But this feeling was to be of brief dura- tion. Once within the precincts of the Court, though armed with a card to the Chief Magistrate, I became suspicious of everybody ; but, strange to say, chiefly of myself. I presented my card to the Policeman at the door. Only one Policeman visible, and yet there was a crowd of ragamuffins outside, and the Dyna- mitists were within! I knew that extra precautions had been taken, et every moment I expected to hear an explosion. The Constable id not eye me suspiciously, he did station, when last vaccinated, why I wanted to come in on that par- ticular day, and so forth, but merely let me pass in, and told me to to the third room on the left. Just as if this were an ordinary y, and as if no extra-ordinary scrutiny was requisite | : Then it oceurred to me that everyone about, whether bustling or apparently doing pation: in a listless way, in the passages, was a Detective in disguise. I re to suspect myself of treason, of com- plicity in something or other, I didn’t know what; I felt a dread of myself, and somehow began to keep an eye on myself, and watch my own movements closely. If anyone in plain clothes had suddenly walked up and arrested me, I should not have been in the least ustonished, but should have said, ‘‘ marge 4 don’t know what it’s about—but probably you’re right—I it I oughtn’t to be here—I acknowledge I have no business here, I dare say I am in disguise—take me away, search me”—and if they had found nitro- glycerine, done up as pills, in one pocket, and a revolver disguised as an anti-stylograph pen in another, I simply should not have been surprised. In such a place, it is exactly what I should have } wemeg Outside, I should have protested ; inside, it was quite a ifferent matter. The atmosphere of the place did it; it was m first visit to the chief Police-Court. I was in a sort of dream, an seemed to be Criminal, Magistrate, Counsel for Prosecution, Solicitor for the Defence, and Prisoner at the Bar (guilty, of course) all in one. If I had been left long alone in that passage, I should have given myself up in sheer despair, and requested anybody to make some sort of charge against me and have done with it. Nervyously I entered room Number Three, which at once suggested to me that I was only separated by a couple of walls from ‘‘ Number One.” Here I had expected to see the Gaoler of the Jack Sheppard era, illustrated by GzorcEr CRUIKsHANK, with jangling keys at his waist (for 1 had got the scene mixed up with Newgate of the past), and several beetle-browed, lynx-eyed Inspectors in full uniform, armed, standing with folded arms, watching every new-comer. To my intense surprise, there was no one there except a small boy avery small boy in knickerbockers—who was apparently doing sums on a slate, as this a Detective’s boy in disguise ? as he & young Detective in training? Was he put there to engage the unwary in conversation, and then run out suddenly and denounce him? I viewed him with distrust. If he had looked up from his Geprant, or amusement, I was prepared to have given him a civil by way of salutation, in a mean spirit (I admit it) of currying favour with even the smallest representative of the Executive. But, like the “‘ Good St. Anthony” in the old song, he ‘‘ never took his eyes off the old black book,”—I mean, in this instance, the slate. Keeping my glance fixed sideways on the boy, I sat down and my game, too, of pretending to be interested in the adver- tisement sheet of the Datly Telegraph, which was lying on the table. scarcely settled myself into the assumption of an easy attitude when a ae nee | peee.? ene (Usher, I believe) came in, took my » examined it carefully, then looked at me as though failing to associate me with some description he had had of the individual to whom the card really belonged. (I shouldn’t have been in the least ata indeed I should have taken it as quite a matter of course, had he ded the card back, shaken his head knowingly, and observed, Jt won't do—this has been tried on before here, you know—you ain’t the —— you represent yourself to be”—and I should have aequi » bowed politely, and ‘gone away, only to wake up when onee more in the open air, and alive to the fact of my own . After remarking that the case would not begin for another quarter-of-an-hour or so, he retired with my card, returning and stripes,—would be too much for him, | h not ask me my name, age, | th in a few minutes to inform me that he would show me into a seat as soon as I likedto goin. Inthe meantime the calculating boy had pom ae yao mysterious bell had sounded somewhere, and the y ad vanished. As I went down the I caught a glimpse of him laughing and talking to a black-bearded Inspector, with an intelligence and a free-and-easy manner far in advance of his years. I have no shadow of doubt about it,—that boy is the future English Lecoce, and he is ere in training for the Detective Department. If I had been taken up and charged there on any count, no matter what, the evidence of that boy, I am convinced, would have been damning. I was, as the papers say, ‘“‘ accommodated with a seat on the Bench.” IT was painfully wide awake to everything that went on, but for all that Iwas inadream. I seemed to recognise all the prisoners: I seemed to be familiar with every face in Court, no matter where he was, or who he might be, or what he was there for. _ People annoyed me by sneezing and coughing at the most interest- ing moments. A Police Court should be the quietest place ible, so that the attention of all may not be distracted by any “‘irrele- vant issues.” But to begin with, there are as many doors in the Bow Street Court as there are in a bustling scene in a Criterion Farce, where everybody hides all at once, and each person comes out at the wrong moment. All the doors being perpetually opened and shut—until even the patient Sir Jamzs IncHam could stand it no longer, and had, at all events, one of them locked,—constituted of emselvyes s0 many irrelevant and distracting issues. Then the wh = sagen Heavens! it seemed as if everyone had come in here for the express purpose of whispering to everybody else,—not neces- sarily about the case, but about anything. The sneezing, too, was most distressing, causing the Usher to rise up, and call out ** Silence!” in his per voice, while looking daggers in the direction of the sneezes, which seemed to come from somebody in the crowd near the door in the furthest corner. The sneezer —a most irritating person, who broke out spasmodically at quite irregular intervals—remained invisible; and, in spite of the pre- sence in Court of a select body of Detectives, the sneezer remained undetected. The only man in the Court who had reduced sneezing, coughing, and the use of the pocket-handkerchief to a perfect art was the Usher, who, when afflicted in this manner, aren Commune below the edge of his box, buried his face in his handkerchief, as if overcome by a burst of irrepressible emotion, and, so, to speak, kept his spasm to himself without annoying any- one, recovering 80 ov as to be up again with the rapidity of a spring-toy figure, fresh as ever, a trifle red in the face, perhaps, after the struggle, but ready to attend to the Chief Clerk, and to shout ** Silence!” once more to the invisible sneezer, to whom he had just been setting so excellent an example. Of the Preliminary Examination itself, of the links in the chain of evidence slowly and surely forged by Mr. Potanp in his cool, unim- passioned manner, of Sir James INGHAM, ready to listen to and to answer courteously and wisely any objection, of the marvellous pre- cision of the Clerk of the Court in taking down, and, more wonderful still, subsequently deciphering his own handwriting when reading over the evidence to a Witness, of the fainting of the Witness, of the demeanour of the Prisoners, of the faces of the Prisoners themselves individually, of their Counsel, of all this I can only say that it was a very vivid night-mareish dream from which I awoke once, partially for luncheon, and to which I went back immediately afterwards, and took up the dream where it had left off. k ee When it was all over for the day, and I was quite awake again, it was with the greatest difficulty that I could tear myself away from Bow Street. I tried to shake it off—I went for a walk—but, as in SHELLEY’s poem, there seemed to be ‘‘a spirit in my feet,’ which insisted on taking me back again—no matter in what direction I had started, or how far I had got on the road away from the place—to Bow Street. I walked about with assumed boldness, with a sort of vague feel- ing that I was either a Criminal escaping from justice, or a Detective in disguise. On the whole I think the latter sensation predominated. In everyone I met I fancied I ised either a Prisoner or a Policeman. The lineaments of three of the Prisoners I couldn’t get out of my head. They seemed to be photographed on my eyes, and were perpetually mixing themselves up with the features of friends and acquaintances. erever I went I was a haunted man, and saw Prisoners everywhere. They seemed to have got into the Club; they lurked about the street ; I came upon them unexpected] round corners. The Police appeared to regard me slily, as much as to say, “‘ All right, I know Aim: he’s just come from Bow Street. Pass, friend, and all’s well.” With the hurry of dressing for dinner, and after the first glass of Cham e— had gone. But I can recall it all,—and ——e a Cony forget my first Bresmite Day at Bow Street Police Tar Onrersat Cas Ravrus.—A Spoke of Phobus’s Chariot-wheel.

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202 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 28, 1883, ——. THE FISHERIES EXHIBITION. 1. Portrarr of ‘the Gentleman who came here last Tuesday week and caught four dozen.” 2. Autograph of a civil mes fisherman. 3. Fancy model of ‘‘ the biggest I got hold of the day, and played for two hours, and then the line broke.” 4, Sketch of a truthful Irish keeper. 5. Case of flies con- structed by an Amateur— the Bedlam, the Colne Hatch, the Earlswood, a the Broadmoor. war- ranted not to kill in any water whatsoever. 6. Bust of a watering- place boatman who once informed a visitor that the weather was not perfectly — for a ae a 7. Biography of a punts- man who refused beer and tobacco. Declaration and *Davy. A TRUE man, of exactness fon As good his word as is his nd. The ee of a knave, i Is also worth his affidavit He on his conscience that an oath Affirms to be no obliga- tion, Should we, my Luds, be nowise loth To trust that fellow’s affirmation ? Es Trrpitex.—A Three- penny Bit. PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 133. vil (IN UWS ZZ , mf SIR WATKIN WILLIAMS-WYNN, *¢ Tae PrRInck ivy WALEs.” **T am monarch of all I survey, My right there is none to dispute,” PRIMROSE DAY, (April 19, 1883.) A YELLow Primrose on the river brim Touched not the heart of stolid Perer Brett, A river of Primroses in full swell Through London’s streets perchance, had moy waite ty heat nd, it par eat or modish whim, Or ae homage to the great departed, That moves the most, some few, frank; simple-hearted, Gavia. upon the dainty, delicate, dim Pale gold of the Earl’s blossom, e away Question of policy, me- mory of fray. Cynics or rivals may re- buke ; ’tis sweeter To greet the flower not in the spirit of Perrr, ‘Spring’s Delights.” A Person named Spring publicly avows his opinion that the Embankment Blowholes are things of beauty! Enviable Srrine! His cesthetic susceptibility must be of the subtlest sort, and his life in London one long rapture. But Sprine’s delight will hardly banish the Winter of the public discontent. Though, by the way, if ae can reconcile Public to them, it is Mr. Sraat ForseEs, who eoeay styled them the “* Asthetic Blowholes,” and has shown himself not averse to ventilating the subject. Will this cannie conciliator teach us in time ** to learn to love ’em?” CHAT ————— (7 WANTED A TEST ACT? (Private Communication from Our Own School boy.) Dear Mr. Puncn, a HAVE read a letter from a Dr. DupcEon, advising poe to taste—(oh! what a lark!)—Nitro-Glycerine. He calls t * testing” for it. But here’s a cutting from his letter :— ‘*Tf we put on our tongue not more than one-tenth of a drop, we observe, after one minute, more or less throbbing in the head, especially the temples, aggravated to pain on shaking the head, a feeling of constriction in the neck, as though a band were tied tightly round it, and a quickened action of the heart, the pulse rising to 100 and even 120 per minute.”’ You see this is evidently meant for a bit of fun, but not much comes of it, does it? Pulse at 120, witha band round your neck? Why, a tables of common Cayenne pepper put in the +5 at a dinner-party, do as much as that for a dozen pone ou try it. But as to having a game with Nitro-Glycerine, I’ve been emerge: g out a dodge or two after reading the papers. Look here, now: if you want some real good “‘ tests,”’ and no mistake, here you are. Here’s three to start with 1, Make a quart of the regular stuff, from a ‘ receipt, then when you’ve let it stand long enough, give the ba ya tea-spoonful. If the first time he falls down he blows n= it’s all right. _ 2. Take a tumbler full and do it up with fuller’s earth and black- ingtill ya *ve made a bit of dynamite of it. Now look out for a house ina onable square (an uncle’s does best) having in coals. Then pitch your lump into a sack and watch. in about five minutes the pavement is shot clean into the drawing-room windows and the roof comes offi—then you know it’s all right. 8. Take all you’ve got left of the stuff loose in a carpet bag, and get into an omnibus where the road is in bad condition. Bet all the people they ’ll get out without paying their fares. Now wait for @ jerk—and they ’ll do it. If there is nothing left of the omnibus but you and the conductor’s badge—well, then, a know it’s all right. I could give you some more, Mr. Punch, but I dare say this will do for you to start with. Suppose you just try them. An ae there’s more fun to be got out of them than out of that stale ok plant of taking your breath away. No, Dr. Dupaxon may think it prime, but I can tell him it isn’t a patch on the conclusive settlers of yours scientifically, Tommy. *Ware Heroes! Ox! no, we never ion them, Our warriors our tars; Our game’s to use and then contemn The men who fight our wars. Oh, would-be heroes pause on Your careers, the times are shabby ; You’ll be jawed against by Lawson, And be joked against by Lassy! THE Official chiefly affected by Her Majesty’s command as to not eating Lamb this season, is, of course, the Master of the Mint.

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ee eee ee See eS ae @® ® aaa E’ Seor © il ¢ Apart 28, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \ 3% ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Hovss of Commons, Monday, April 16, Midnight.—W. E. G. still here, though it’s time he was home in bed. In high — too, at progress of business. Criminal Code Bill referred to Gran Committee; Patents Bill read a Second Time, and will be referred Ts Committee — Sper — the Chair. pur st muove, ToBy,” he said, pla y pulling my ear. .. “Yes, my gay old GatriKo (if you me Ae me to you 80), it does. But at oo cost tous. I have been on Grand Com- | mittee on Cri Appeal Bill to-day. Met at noon; ground awa: at work till quarter to four; had a couple of meat biscuits an saucer of milk, then into House to be at prayers, and secure seat. Since then helped to pass two big Bills. Now it’s midnight, and daresay it’ll be two in the morning before I get home. That’s fourteen hours’ work, which is pretty well to be foing on with. Tell you what,—I shall bring in a Ten Hours’ Bill for applica- tion to House of Commons. ill get Inspectors appointed, as in other factories, and have work = on proper footing. It’s all very well to goon at this rate fora bit. Butlook at cost. You lose some of your best men, Bossy Spencer already laid up, with merely hearing how hard CavEnDIsH BenTINcK works. Constitu- tion, it is true, a little weakened by intense mental strain in connection with visit to Ireland. But others will go, and average of bye-Elections will be quadrupled.” ** Nonsense, ToBy, nonsense. You young dogs are a degenerate >. I worked fourteen hours a day for fifty years, and loo at me Hadn’t prolonged opportunity. Off like an antelope down the Corridor, in behind the Speaker’s Chair, and so back to his seat. Terribly afraid he’d lost something during brief absence. Wonder- ful Old Man! But he’s killing us all the same. Business done.—Criminal Code [Bill referred to Grand Com- mittee. Patents Bill read a Second Time, and sent on to Grand Committee. Grand Committees working capitally. Wednesday, 2 A.M.—PELL just brought Lord Henry Lennox 7 on charge of voting in, wens Lobby. Noble Lord blushes an simpers, as if he were being led to the altar. ** How’s this, young man?” says SPEAKER, sternly. ** Please, Sir,” simpered Lord Henry, “‘I fell asleep, and didn’t hear you put the question. Wynn told me to be sure to be down and vote. Saw alot of Members going into Lobby. Went with them. Horrified to find myself in such company. Tried to get out. Doors locked, so had to go and vote against PEti’s Motion. But didn’t do it on purpose.” Evidently mistake, so let Lord Henry off. Don’t wonder he fell asleep. Wonder is that anybody’s awake, though just before LONG PARLIAMENTARIANS AND SHORT COMMONS.

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* 204 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Apri 28, 1883, Division had a good rousing shout at M‘Kenna. Sir JosEPH, who is sure he’d makea Chancellor of the Exchequer, been popping up since ten o’elock last night, when he came in from dinner. But Front Bench men had then taken up the running, and no chance for men below the Gangway. But the blood of the M‘Kzenna’s up, as anyone might see by looking at Sir Josepu’s face. AS ‘*Go on! goon!” he murmured, when, rising for the third time, the SPEAKER gave the preference to Mr. GoscHen; ‘‘ you may delay me, but you Kenna stop me.” _ e So, when GLapsTone sat down a little before two o'clock this morning, Sir Joz rose once more. So did cries from the House. Such howling, roaring, and hooting not been heard for many days. Quite refreshing and inspiriting after level flow of night’s debate. lt was then Lord Henry Lennox was disturbed in his sleep. Dreaming he was at last First Lord of the eg semary in strong Conservative Government, and thought this was shout of the Dock- yard men, whose wages he had been reducing. r ‘Must do it!’ Lord Henry murmurs, ‘* Must do it! Awfully fine fellows Conservative working-men, and that sort of thing. But Radicals looking closer than ever after demnition coppers. Must save them!” And Lord Henry, turning over, went to sleep again. Sir Joszpa continued his speech for ten minutes. Deeply in- teresting. Full of facts, crammed with figures, pellucid in style, convincing in argument, charming in eloquence ; only not a single syllable audible above the uproar. Sir JosEPH’s peroration delivered with fine effect, he sat down. House cleared for a Division, and Lord Henry Lennox rubbing his eyes, and pleased with hazy recol- lection of having ‘‘ been firm with the Dockyard men,” went out to vote against his own party. YS : Business done.—Mer. Pxtt’s Resolution in favour of Immediate Settlement of Local Taxation Question defeated by 229 Liberals and rd Henry Lennox, 216 voting for Motion. Wednesday Afternoon.—Business of this House not well regu- lated. After recent prolonged sittings, with the Division on Local Taxation taken at two o’clock this morning, the conflict with Irish Obstruction, and Affirmation Bill coming on, it is cruel to impose on what should be the peace of Wednesday afternoon the breathless excitement of debate on Scotch Parochial Boards. Even the hardened constitution of Josepa Gittis could not stand it. At four o’clock tried to Count Out House, and nearly did it. ‘* Why did you interfere, Mr. Biacar ?” the Lord Advocate asked, with blandest manner. ‘‘ Doesn’t the Bill meet your views?” **T don’t know whats in the Bill,” JoszpH answered with his fine simplicity. ‘* But if there’s one thing I hate more than an English- man, it’s a Scotchman ; and when I found you enjoying yourselves, making speeches as long and as dry as half a mile of oatcake, I thought I’d stop you. That’s all.” , Am afraid JosEpH’s naturally genial temper has been soured of ate. Lyon Puayrrare hovering round the debate as became Scotch Member, but took no part in it. “*T like something that leads to samples, Tony,’ he said, ‘‘ or lends itself to diagrams on a black board. Then I’m yourman. But you can’t produce a portion of a Parochial Board in a pot like Oleomargarine, nor dissect a Poor Law pauper as if he were a rabbit. So I left it to them.” Prayrarr tells me that now he’s K.C.B. he’s more than ever glad to be out of the Chair of Committees. ‘‘ Those Irish Members,’ he says, ‘* would of course have called me ‘Sir Lory,’ and from that to ‘SrRLorn’ is a very short step.” Business done.—Two hundred and ten Gentlemen voted on Scotch Parochial Boards Bill. Estimated that the odd ten (average of attendance during afternoon) know what it was about. Everybody, including the Division-bell, brought to ultimate state of exhaustion by five hours’ Scotch speeches. Bell, when called upon to announce Division, feebly tinkled out a single call, instead of four as usual, Speaker led into open air; Sir Erskine May leaning feebly on shoulder of Mr. Mrtman, got as far as corridor, and there fairly broke down. Scotch Members quite cheery. ‘*A braw afternoon,” says Mr. SAY. “* Pity they couldna’ suspend Standin’ Orders, an’ let’s mak’ a nicht o’t!” Thursday Night.—Questions to-night whether Our Only General and Our Single Admiral shall be made hereditary. Mr. LasoucHERrE puts the case with great clearness. Lord Atcesrer, he says, has, let us admit it, deserved well of his country. Make him a Peer, and give him a pension. But, whatever may be the merits of the father, the son certainly has not done anything. Then why give him a pension? That is the point. But House having eight hours to talk in, wandered over many subjects, including Sir FrepERIck RosERts and Battle of ees f Late at night, Lord Evsrace Cecrm presented himself, and, holding on to box with his elbows, delivered a speech. Profoundest distress of noble Lord lest he should say anything to hurt anybody’s feelings. What he did 7 was, that GLADSTONE behaved meanly to Sir F. Ropgrts. That, grateful to WotsELey and Seymour for having saved his peliey in Egypt, had overpaid them at the expense of country. idn’t say this out in so many words, but, with hints innuendoes, and statements of what he’d heard or what other people lieved, managed to make it clear. ‘Did you ever,” said Lyon Piayrarr to Mr, Forster, “‘ make vinegar out of the plant ?”’ ee. !” growled the Right Hon. Gentleman, who was just going eep. ‘* Most interesting,” the Professor airily proceeded. ‘‘ Must show yousome day. You put plant in jar, pour water over it, seal it up, and there you are. Excellent vinegar. If you take the same plant afterwards, do it over again, you get some acidulated wash. | reminds me of this experiment. The style of his brother, the Marquis, is the real vinegar, and his resembles it just as second brewing from plant resembles original liquor. Must get you a plant and ——- my meaning. Sorry haven’t one in my pocket at the moment. Business done.—Passed Second Reading of Pension Bills. Friday Night.—In House of Lords, Lord Carnarvon asks can Colonial Secretary tell supmning about annexation of New Guinea by Queensland ? Certainly, Lord Dersy would tell everything. Quite interesting narrative, conveying vivid ee of Queensland pas- sionately pleading for acquisition, and Lord Desy coldly pointin out absolute inability of forming opinion till he had. receiv: despatches. ‘* Haven’t formed an opinion now, one way or other,” he says, and House thoroughly believes him. hat a mind it is! Business done.—Congregation in other House, after listening to STANSFELD’s sermon, declare against C. D. Acts by 182 against 110, A FOOTMAN’S GRIEVANCE. THe Zimes of Wensday contained a appeal from a West End Footman which I thinks is one of the most affecting things as ever read. It seems scarcely possabel but it no dout is the fact, that Gentlemen as fills the werry highest posi- tions in West End Families as Footmen, and even Butlers, has to go with their employers to dinners to wait at Table without no perquisets, just to save the shabby hosts and hostesses the werry trifling expense of perfeshnal waiters. As he so pathetercally says, after being confined in-doors so many hours a-doing of nothink, he natrally wants a little fresh air and a little reckreation, insted of which he acshally has to wait at table peraps for ours! Poor Feller! better be a mere Ewer of wood like pore Mr. Giap- STUN or a drawer of water like Mr. Hooxey, R. A. And how unjust to me and my perfeshun! Why should Nubble- men and Nobblewomen take the bred out of our mouths by making unfare use of their own gentlemen? Many and many a time have I ofishyated at swell dinners at the West End. They all nose where to send to when they wants anythink A wun or rs Class, whether for a dinner or for a Waiter, and that’s in the ity. My engagements at the West End has fallen off very much of late, which I naterally set down to poverty, little thinking it was meer meanness, however, as the per Footman werry wisely says, now a8 the Times—of which he po dreag says he is a grate admirer—has bin kind enuff to put his letter in, his shabby employers will be shamed out of their meanness. The one thing in which he makes a fearful mistake is in speaking of the duties of a Waiter as most unplessant and even mean. How so highly respectable a member of one highly honnorable perfeshun can condesend to speak so spectably of another equally honorable perfeshun, does estonish me, and I can only account for it by thinking that the recellecshun of his own serious trubbles made him for once somewhat unjust to those whose important duties he is so improperly called upon to Le OBERT, United Service. Free Trade for Farmers. ‘* ARE you considering any Measure for permitting the Agricul- turists of the United Kingdom to grow tobacco for sale?” No impertinent — this, which Lord Joun Mannens the other evening asked the Government. On every principle of Free Trade which the farmers suffer by, surely they ought to he free to grow whatever they profitably can. If it doesn’t pay them to 2 cea —_ they are in effect sine Cerere. Not being allowed the alternative cultivating Nicotian crops, they are also sine Baccho. No wonder, then, that friget Agricultura. @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders.

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¥ ———— Mar 5, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 205 : House, and inquire what names there are that look foreign on th PREPARATIONS FOR THE ACADEMY) BANQUET. Academy list, re ask on what kind of understanding the pe te -Gto- Rounder, who interviewed ’em. is with the Paris Salon. Shan’t speak for more than a quarter of an a ee : : ) hour—less, probably—short and very sweet. Must practise smile for Sir Frederick Leighton, P.R.A. Chez lui. Think 1’ve got some | the occasion. [Exit to dressing-room, first-rate speeches for this occasion. Better than anything l’veever| Mr. R.B, Browning. They ’ve got me instead of Matruew ARNOLD done before. Looked up a splendid selection of new words all of at this year. He prosed, so I must poetise; not too much; light and least three syllables, and have still power to add to their number. semi-humorous vein, in the Jucoseria style. Shall explain the word Have been studying the best models,—I mean my own speeches and | ‘‘ jocoserta” to the guests: good advertisement for self and book. those of other great orators of the past. I am sure H.R.H. the/ Shall touch, of course, on the sister Arts, Poetry and Paintiag, and Prince of Watts likes listening to a real flow of eloquence. I know} show how one inspired the other, and how Painting owes every- he does by his rapt attention, and the graceful bowing of the|thing to Poetry,—or, if that isn’t exactly polite, I'll put it t’other head with which he greets my points, when His Royal Highness’s| way, and wait till we have a Poetry Dinner, with myself in the Chair eyes are slightly closed in deep thought, and the cigar is at his| and the Painters as guests, to put the matter in its right and true ips. Regret much that several Kings, Foreign Princes, and Here-| light before the world. Jocoseria wants a little lift. Shall allude ditary Dakes will not be present, as I shall not have an opportunity | gracefully to the President. Ahem! Think they’ll like my speech. of showing how perfectly I can master their styles and titles, and| President mayn’t care about it (in spite of pee pe too much give them several times over, without the slightest hesitation, or the|in the same line. Knowing I’m there, he’ll probably quote some- very smallest mistake. It is quite a lesson to some of my Academi-| thing from me. Excuse me leaving you, I must go and get inspired cians in foreign pronunciation. Should like to hear my dear old|and shaved. Hairdresser’s waiting. Matas trying anything of the sort. I can’t help—you’ll excuse} Lord Mayor. Let me see—ah—yes—Discount—no—I mean De- me, caro mio,—but I really cannot help smiling when I think of it. | cant—no—discant or descant (tell Harker to look out word in Ishall speak for half-an-hour, or so, at a time, and though every | Dictionary for me) on the Liberal Arts and the City. Must get a sentence will have been well considered, yet most of my hearers} Latin quotation about Liberal Arts. City always Patron of Arts. would be ready toswear that itisallimpromptu. Ars est celare, you| Lorenzo the Magnificent. Look him out, and see what he did. know. Excuse me. I must now leave you, to try on my new suit| Fancy he was a big City Magnate. If Hanrcovarr’s there, opportu- which has this moment arrived. So very, very glad to have seen | nity for me to ‘‘ magnify my office.” It wants magnifying. Might you. 4 bientét. _ | point to Lord Mayor’s Show, the Coach, the costumes, &c., &. The H.R.H. the Prince of Wales (at Marlborough House—just going | only thing like Venice in England. Never perform out of London. out), Oh—tell Mr. Francis Knoxtys to look up some of my other} Got half my speech done. Forget if they always drink Lord Mayor's speeches. Shape out something neat and complimentary in a gene-| health, or not. Must go on asking the Artists to Mansion House. ral way. Shan’t speak for more than five minutes, tosettheexample| Mr. Lecky. Shall give them something solid. People like listening of brevity. Drop a line to Sir Farperick, and say they can all talk | to something solid. hat will my name be proposed in connection as much as they like—(though there ’s no necessity to tell ’em that /)| with? Literature? Or will Brownine answer for that? Must get —when once the cigars have commenced. But we must come to| up something—The Rise of Painting. cigars sharp after dinner. Time and Tobacco wait for no man. If| Mr. Hucley. Amgetting up my speech. Idea that Painters were I see Epinsvrcu this morning out riding,—(why does he ride?) born, not made. Flattering, this. Shan’t include Poets. Don’t Sailors ought only to ride at anchor)—I’ll tell him not to make a| know whether TyNDALL won't have to reply. If he does, will keep long speech about the Navy. By the way, I’ll take the opportunity | this notion back for another time. Hope Sr. George Mrvarr will of mentioning the Royal College of Music, and Eprnpuren might| be there. If he is, hove he won't be asked to speak—after me. allude to it too. Just work it in quietly. Suppose Mr. Gzorce| Sir John Lubbock. Yes. See my way. Artists, busy bees, Bank _. will be there. He might respond to ‘‘ Music.” Now —— Can work ’em all in. Hope my turn won’t come too I’m off. ate. H.R.H. the Duke of Cambridge. Hum—ha—confound it! Yes—| Lord Chief Justice Coleridge. I shall have to reply for the Law. of course. Hang these painter fellows !—(Had to sit to that chap| I wish the Last of the Barons were to be there. But, anyhow, he’ll Hot for hours—got awfully tired—but deuced clever fellow, and | read the report of my speech in the Observer. Might bring in a few capital portrait: very like. Suppose I must say something about it. | subtle allusions to the Belt case. Of course, the Last of the Barons Say how tired I was. Hate sitting: if I were a hen might like it. | gave up all his chance of being asked to the Royal Academy Dinner Ha! ha!)—or hang their pictures! That’s what they do, by the]on that celebrated—too celebrated—occasion. I can let in a few way. Might bring that in, only they don’t relish a joke. Must} quiethints about Experts. Do it very nicelv, of course, as I wouldn’t say something about the change of uniform, and the “‘thin red| hurt anybody’s feelings on any account. Might also comment upon line.” Dash it, that’s a good idea—‘‘ thin red line.” Must compli- | the distinction between Free Thinking and Free Speaking. ment Sir Freperick as Colonel of Volunteers. Ought to bring in} Lord Chancellor. In the absence of the Parmrer, I can say a good joke about ‘‘no man better able to draw a sword.”’ Anyhow, will] deal, and mean very little. Speak about the Artistic Decorations of stick to ‘‘ thin red line ’’—sure to tell on such an occasion. the Upper House, of which the Peers are the ornaments, Will just H.R.H, Duke of Edinburgh. Let me see; I shall have to reply | give a look round at the frescoes in the House of Lords; see how they for the Navy or Music, or the Navy and Music. Probably the Navy | are getting on, and ask who did them. only. (Zo Private Secretary.) Just make out the statistics of the . * past ten years, with historical references to last century,—general Our Merry-Go-Rounder was unable to interview any other : ‘ : : celebrities, as they were all hard at work composing their speeches a ig owed st pe Rises, _from the = Bare § THE | for the occasion, and could not be disturbed. He wishes to add that, Thought and detatls of our latest improvements. h om mA Y | should this meet the eyes of the distinguished persons named above, jhought—will say something about the Marines. e. cy re popular he is afraid that they will alter their subjects, or the treatment of just yaw and that will do to wind up with. Shan kg for more them, and that some who are down on the President's list for a tise vial, ——. Pos et bay os say Pe ee ie any = Prac-| speech will be cut out in consequence of this anticipatory notice. » Some _ BUSS Er, Sates Ee ee unes up na, me hy = last moment os eee ao ey we may . *! send home the collars extra-starched by mistake, and he’ll be com- ee re we — ations lonprhaers by = gon pelled to go. In case of any little contretemps of this sort, our » Shanse asherwoman shan} want these eXtra~ | Merry-Go-Rounder says, it is no fault of his, and the Public mustn’t starched collars home for Saturday night, as I’m not going to the Steen bie Academy Banquet. Don’t fancy I come out as brilliantly as I ought , toon — pe aren Sah speck a calls the ‘‘ oniee, \ or this sort of after-dinner cake. BEACONSFIELD enjoye it; don’t think I do. However, not got to bother my head about shock aud Game. it, 80 perhaps shall have a quiet evening at home with Hersert| Grumphy. No young Ladies now any longer blush. In my young who can tell me all about the Dynamiters he saw at Bow Street), | days they did. . J. L. Toots (with a song about the Speaker’s N ose which Ihave} Goodchild. . Yes, but wasn’t that only because you used to say not yet heard), Mr. Pennineton, who might recite—or—no, he things that made them ? t sing, and let J. L. T. recite—or—no—J ’J/ sing and recite,| Grumphy. Hrumnck! they shall listen. Foresee a pleasant evening. Grog. i anville, Yes—let me think—what did I saylast year? Must . ‘void that little anecdote about myself as a Painter and some eminent| A Vaveunrne Vorce.—Miss Kare Vavewaw on Thursday after- hand ee oped the sketch. I made’em laugh in a quiet sort of way, | noon Benefit, May 3rd, is to essay the part of Amy Robsart. We Fash the wind out of Lowz11’s sails. I’ve got something neat, | hope that she is not yet going to give up her “ poetry-of-motion” think—something to do with the Foreign Policy of the Academy, | line of Art; otherwise, though by her Amy Robsart she may add and graceful allusion to ALMA TapEMA, and—let me see—(7o Private | to Art in one direction, she, unfortunately, robs Art of a burlesque .)—kindly send round with my compliments to Burlington ' Actress. VOL, LXXXIV,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 5, 1883, | BS r \} WN rv) h ri \ WAS yy, y, HY ANAS Gi) } S\N SZ ASS 7. Bur I'LL PAY YOUR THE METROPOLITAN Mistress, **‘ Weut, I’M AFRAID YOU WON’T QUITE SUIT ; Fars, Let ME 8SEE—DID YOU COME BY OMNIBUS OR BY Raritway ?” Cook. ‘‘OH NO, Ma’am, I DROVE Up IN A HAnsoM wits My Youne Man, As I’M ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO, THERE AND BACK IT WILL BE Five SHILLINGS, Ma'am!” ODE TO SPRING. (By Landeau.) Miss Sprtne, I will sing ee a welcome in quite an original strain, Which I am sure you will find a relief, dear, because it is rather more sane Than the annual drivel that’s written to herald the primrose and swallows, The hyacinth blue, and the snowdrop—the sure stock-in-trade of Apollos. In my way I’m as true an admirer of you as the poets who sing Of the flowers at a shilling a-piece, and the bees that most painfully sting. Sweet Spring, I admit I don’t love you because ‘‘ the wan Winter is dead,” Or the violet and primrose and crocus are flaunting a flare in each bed,— Nor because every bird in the country is pairing and building its nest,— For when nightingales keep one from sleeping, I admit they are rather a pest, Nor because the black hawthorn as usual bursts forth into white bridal blossom, Nor because some poor moulting cock-robin gets a gaudy new crest on his bosom. But I = you, sweet time of the Roses, ’cause you bring back the beau monde o town, When each matron, each maid, and each widow will flaunt in diaphanous gown, When the Grosvenor is something to talk of, and the season of racing’s com- menced, When it’s jolly to shave with cold water, and not even prudes are incensed If you hint they look cool as cucumbers as they sit in the Row ’neath the trees, All watching intently the walkers, the riders, the drivers, the ‘‘ gees.” Ere Eton and Harrow is over, and the Derby blue-ribbon is won, When Gardenias are common as daisies, and peaches are sold by the ton, When one lunches off strawberries and cream at GuNTER’s, rte dines off an ice, And sups off a cut of pine-apple—my mouth waters now for a slice. When one “stg down a coach to the Orleans, or purloins someone’s sweetheart or glove, When my Nora comes back from the country to play at lawn-tennis and love, When one’s mornings and evenings are spent in cob-riding, cab-driving, or m4 ie When one’s nights are some spent at the Opera, ang lounging, and supping, and dances, Making love at Botanical night fétes, or watching young lovers’ romances. - When on Saturdays Hurlingham’s crowded, and Sun- days are piously spent Up the River at Richmond or Taaa’s, or lying in ham. mock or tent, With an iced lemon-squash at one’s elbow, and a hand- kerchief over one’s face That’s scented with Eau de Cologne that came from one’s lady-love’s case, Or puffing a cigarette punctured with ‘“‘P. M. and Co,” at one’s ease, A Ouida-like hero, that nothing but midges and girls dare to tease. ‘ It’s not that I bear any malice to flowers—I rather admire them, . I believe that they grow in the country—I know that from WILLIs we hire them But you see I’m not much in the country, except in the Winter for shooting, i And London’s the best place in Summer, beyond any kind of disputing. I’m always unhappy in Winter, and Autumn’s deplor- ably slow, grite: But in Springtime and Summer, while sitting in my pretty green chair in the Row, I own I am happy, and therefore I love you, sweet mother of flowers, . In spite of your Leonine March winds, and your treacherous April showers. i. : And the cause of my loving—I know it is horribly weak when admitted ; ; But Truth, like Murder, will out, and it’s awfully nice to be pitied ! een hes Is simply and solely, sweet Spring-time—don’t Lynch me, ye Poets, for treason— Not because fields are in flower—it may be bad taste— Sten yaa nee iit thet sly herald ove you, sweet Spring-time, is really ’cause you the London “‘ Bese.” A DUTY ON DOCTORS. - Tax Council of the College of Surgeons in Lincoln's Inn Fields, dear Mr. Punch, has issued a circular, addressed to Fellows and Members, pointing out certain provisions of the Medical Amendment Bill of which they suggest that so many Amendments should be made. The clauses they denounce are four in number, Sir, and the fourth clause threatens those Fellows and those Members with a penalty so unmerited that the menace of it ought really to enlist on their behalf the sympathy of every other fellow endowed with any fellow-feeling. Vivacious friends will, therefore, excuse a = which is indeed no joke. The Council object, fourthly, to the Bill above named :— “That power would be taken by Clause 38 of the Bill to levy on every Practitioner already wainent a vexatious annual tax, the non-payment of which would involve the liability to removal of his name from the Register.”’ Consequently, Mr. Punch, disqualification to practise his profession. effect, ion of his diploma. Professional ruin, Sir. Wouldn’t that be rather too heavy a forfeiture for a Practitioner’s failure to Riche fine on a practice whence the income may be all “in supposition”? Would it not be a y vexatious superaddition to a poor Practitioner’s Income-tax? Can the Legislature ibly mean to saddle = Pilgarlic with a Profession-tax as well, Mr. Punch? he Medical Profession altogether, as you know, Sir, has long discarded the practice of bl ing, except m ae | exceptional cases. Have the “‘ es” no friends in the House of Commons who will preserve them from as Sees bled at such a rate and in sucha Ti as that in which the framers of the new Medical Bi propose to stick it into them? Talk of barbarity, what's vivisection to such venesection as that ? Excuse, dear Sir, this too, too arid appeal for sympathy When iavitations to dinner are rife, and it’s even too sultry for talking ; and succour in the name of SawBONEs. —

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aes SO OB eee NS Ee GS -_ seo SBbBesh? Ss > ~ weRSBeBS &

May 5, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

\ Tuna. \ Ny s SESS a.< { t

7 t eee \\ ) \\\ N\\\ SraTEMENTs ?”

\ hd Pupil. ‘‘Is IT KNOWN, SiR, WHETHER EUCLID PERSONALLY BORE THE OMARACIER OF A TRUSTWORTHY MAN—OAREFUL OF HIS “Coach,” ‘WELL, I CANNOT SAY THAT HIS PaivaTe Lirgz 18 A MATTER OF HisToRY, BUT——” Pupil. ‘‘ Bor From His Writings, SiR, WOULD YOU SAY HE WAS TO BE DEPENDED UPON ?” “Coach.” ** AH—YES—OERTAINLY—I sHOULD——-BUT wuHy DO You asK?” Pupil, ‘*WEuL, IN THAT CASE, SIR, DON’T YOU THINK WE MIGHT ACCEPF THIS PROPOSITION WITHOUT FURTHER Discussion ?”

ANNEXATION MADE EASY. (4 Page from the Future Journal of the House of Lords.) Lorn C-RN-Rv-N wished to know if there was any truth in the conrad report that the whole interior of Equatorial Africa, inclu the Great Sahara and the sources of the Nile, the Niger, and the Congo, had just been annexed to the British Empire by the uty-Governor of Heligoland. ‘ D-zBy assuréd the Noble Lord that the Foreign Office was in its usual convenient state of utter official ignorance, and complete actual knowledge, of the circumstances alluded to by the Noble Lord. It was true that a telegram had been received from the Deputy- Governor of Heligoland, in which that official stated that, in the temporary absence of the Governor from his post, through toothache, it had been decided by the Executive Government of the island to annex all Africa, or as much of it as remained to annex. The ecutive Government, consisting of himself and an Office Boy, had arrived—so the Deputy-Governor telegraphed—at the above resolu- tion unanimously, and the Office Boy had consented to head an expe- dition to Africa for the purpose of taking formal possession of the regions which were now an integral portion of the British Empire. was every reason to believe, the telegram added, that the expedition would be successful, as the Office Boy was provided with & tolerably seaworthy boat, some antique fire-arms, and twenty-five gs and sixpence, heey, tery the Heligoland revenue for the current year ; but nothin f rd D-RBY said) had yet been heard of arrival in Africa. D-2BY) was not prepared at once to state whether he eye or disapproved of the annexation. no doubt, was a large country, and Heligoland was a small one. He would wait and see exactly how much opposition the annexation occasioned, both at home and abroad, before deciding whether it was a grossly immoral or a highly patriotic step for the d Government to take. He was sure his noble friend would

Sa

not expect him to give a definite opinion one way or the other just at present. The House would agree with him that they must await the further development of events, and that until the arrival of the Office = in some part of the annexed dominions it would be premature to discuss the matter, and such discussion might even tend to em- barrass the action of the Government. He believed that the calcu- lation made - the noble Lord was tolerably accurate, and that it was true that the population of the annexed province might be put at somewhere about ten or twenty millions, while the population of Heligoland was under one thousand. The climate of Central Africa was not so bad as it had been represented. However, the House would of course understand that he was not attempting to defend the annexation at present, though he could not tell what view he might not adopt after the proper amount of Papers had been laid on the Table, and if it were really ascertained that no serious opposition would be made to the annexation. At present the Deputy-Governor had acted entirely on his own responsibility, as also had the Office- Boy, and both could be thrown over and dismissed if the thing turned out a failure. He might add that the Deputy-Governor had telegraphed that Despatches, explaining the whole occurrence, were on their way to England, but that—in order that the Foreign Office might not have an opportunity of meddling in its usual idiotic manner before the annexation was complete,—he had taken the pre- caution to send the Despatches round by the North Pole, so that they would not reach England for three months or so. This, Lord D-rBy said, was extremely thoughtful of the Deputy-Governor, as it saved the necessity of coming to any immediate decision, and three months was ample time for the Office Boy either to found a new Empire in Africa, or to get comfortably drowned on his way out there,

Tux Bishop of Monaco—no, we mean GrBRaLTAR—objects to his art co-religionists ‘‘ serving tables.”” This is rather unprimitive, isn’t i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — [May 5, 1883,

MISTAKEN

| ran! IMPRESSIONS.

—. , ——— = wh TT) TI)

ES

ession.

No. 14.—The Limpressionist, or a Plea for the Channel

\\ f ; , ‘\ i | id ws Ii! | U | a ' me pk No. 61.—‘‘If you’re wak- ing, call me early,” or the Bed Impressionist.

No. 58.—Impression in a Jockeylar Vein.

No. 56.—Depression. I rotnxk I may fairly say that the generally-mistaken ‘‘ Impression- ists’? have come to the right place at last. They ought to leave an in- delible mark on New Bond Street—at least, for the rest of the season. I had been induced to look in at their Collection by an artistic friend who advised me to go and see it, because he was told it was ‘‘ horrid funny.” So I looked in. been posted up in the principles of the School. ‘‘ The idea is, the first impression the picture produces on you, you know. They don’t care how they get the effect as long as they get it,” I heard somebody say, as I was creeping along a narrow posmage that gave me my first egerunen--thes of havin: my head in the way in arifle-gallery. Still, I was quite pe to be further ‘‘ impressed” when I got into the room. And I was. I was impressed by the impressive manner of the self-contained attendant, a melancholy young man, who seemed so anxious that the pictures should produce a favourable impression on intending pur- chasers, or, indeed, on anybody, that he moved about quite sadly, evidently much pained by the og geome jeers they somehow pro- yoked. Then I took a hurried look round, and received another impression. It was that I had wasted a shilling. At first I thought I had got into the ‘‘ Children’s” Gallery by mistake, and that they had been getting up alittle Exhibition of their own for my amusement. However, I turned to the Catalogue to see what it was all about, and found I had really got among the Impressionists, and that it was all right, and that ‘* the connoisseur would recognise in the wonderful effects of light, the complete com- mand of colour, and the faculty of delineating the more fleeting aspects to which landscape and the human figure are susceptible, a ver interesting and distinctive factor in the Art-work of modern times.” Certainly, some of the effects of light were most wonderful. I never saw anything like them before—anywhere. d as to the ** complete command of colour,” several of the Artists seem, unques- tionably, to have had an unlimited run on “‘ Reckitt’s Blue.” The ** Art-work of modern times,” however, afforded me one pleasing ienqanoian<d noticed that there was not much of it. But as queuybedy ought to see what there is, here are a few rough ‘* impressions,” illustrated above by our extremely impressionable Artist, and jotted down ‘‘ hot”’—just as they were received—that will help out a reference to the Catalogue :— No. 13. “‘ Femme au Piano.” Renore. “Cottage” landscape. Distant view of flats. Woman playing a Trip-to-the- Moonlight Sonata. No. 14. Another ‘‘ Femme,” this time “‘ dans un jardin.” Might be No. 59.—Fly-paper Impressions.

ealled ** Folkestone to Boulogne.” Impression produced. She has got No. 46.—Nihilists Trapped, or Imp-russianists in Prison. the Artist to sketch the whole of her in three colours, because she has, very unwisely, eaten all the rest of his box—paints, palette, and all, before he began. w: No. 45. ‘‘ Le Bac de L’ Isle de La Loge.” Ststxy. First impression produced. ‘If this is the back, perhaps it’s a trifle better in front.” Second impression. ‘* Arrangement for drying clothes. Artist determined to be hung on his own line?” Precisely. No. 46. ‘;Thirteen Bars’ Rest,” or, ‘‘ Victims instdea Cage at Feeding-time?” or what? Can’t make it out. Sole impression pro- duced (by style of dress)—that it has been on the Artist’s hands about three-and-twenty years. Yet M. Manet only asks £400 for it! Won't go off. Manet. Too bad of it, a great deal! : No. 56. ‘‘ Chapeaux.” Dxeas. No mistake here. Ingeentee, this time, clearly on the Hats—that have been sat =n Poetry, the idea evident. Felt as soon as seen. Might have had a quotation in Degas Metre? 4 ald No. 58. ‘* French Polo.” M.Dxeas. (A regular illumination of gas on this wall)—calls it ‘‘ Ze Départ Jockey’s.” Why? Because e has taken more than half a horse off his canvas? Why didn't he content himself with cutting it off at the Mane ? No. 59. ‘* Femmes Appuyées sur une Rampe.” Further supply of Dreas! Better though if this Degas had been turned out. More like a symphony of backs. Or are they moths? Melancholy colour- ing. Only three of them. 0. 61. ‘*‘ Femme dans une Loge.” Final flare-up of Daas. But not much light here—should be called, ‘‘ Before Seven ; or, an Order for One to the Upper Bozes.” . j With No. 65 the Catalogue ends, but if the “Connoisseur” is anxious to be still further impressed, and also a little puzzled, he can push on into a dark room at the back, and be requested to put his name down for an Artist's proof of Mr. J. Fores Robertson s Picture of the Church Scene in Much Ado About Nothing, ‘ painted,” as the Catalogue informs him, ‘‘ expressly for Henny Ievine, Esq. The point ot this interesting work appears to be the subtle and ingenious art with which the identity of everybody concerned been carefully concealed. No room for jealousy. Even the legs 0 all the Gentlemen are much alike. Why not call it either ‘‘ Who's Who?”—or “A Prize Puzzle—Find the Manager” ?

*Arny’s Largest ConunDRuM.—Why isa title-page like Charity? —Becos it always begins atome. (Begins at ’ome, don’tcher see

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| May 5, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ESSENCE’ OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, April 23.—Affirmation Bill on ne SS Second Reading. Everything dreadfully dull. “Nothing like the old times, Tosy,’’ Captain Gossrt said, mourn- fully regarding BrapLaveH as he sat under the Gallery. ‘‘ Once ow to come up like a man, and have it out on the floor of the House, regardless of his stylographic pen. Now sits there like an ordinary Member, and I’ve got no work to do. Fancy I rather cowed him last time. Gave him enough for the duration of this Parliament. IfI’d thought of it, would have dissembled a bit.” ATTORNEY-GENERAL made nice Nisi Prius speech. Sir R, Cross chirruped round the question more than ever like a Magisterial sparrow. But coulda’t get up excitement. Once, indeed, House barst into a roar of laughter when Grand Cross caught another smile. It was the ATTORNEY-GENERAL who was this time detected. G. C. was reading a long extract from paper. Right Hon. Gentle- men on the Treasury Bench relapsed from the condition of ostenta- tious good behaviour preserved when he fixes a small but glittering eye upon them. But old schoolmaster instincts not to be overcome. Lalled them into security for a few moments ; then suddenly looked up, and caught Sir Henry James ‘‘ flagrante de smilo,” as Mr. Barzan, who knows a little Latin, says. . 7 “The ATTORNEY-GENERAL smiles!” Sir R. Cross cried in severe warning tones ; — the House went off into fit of laughter that lasted for several seconds, Sir RicHarp angrily regarding Members, and wondering what he had said to amuse them. Business done.—Second Reading Affirmation Bill moved. Tuesday Night.—Mr. Wicetn down early to-day, moving busily about House and by. ; “Look out for a storm, ToBy, my boy,” said Mr. Poteston. “Wiaern’s Last was not a great success. But he’s not likely to make another mistake.” Storm sure enough. Question of the Blowholes on, and the House trembling with excitement. Dramatic meteorological effect arranged by the Wary Wicein. Wind turned on at the East blows down Embankment sending fumes into Palace Yard. Smells as if it were washing day in the City. Members hastily cross yard with hand- kerchief to nose, determined to vote early and vote often against Blowholes. Funny part of business is, that the Waggish WiceIn turns out to have been engaged on other side. Speaks in favour of decision of Committee. “What is the meaning of this?” Sir Epwanp WAtTKIN says, coming up with evident intention to give the Member for East Staf- ford a Wiggin. hat do you mean by turning on the storm so as it blows the smell right into the House. You’ve spoiled the whole case—ruined us.” “Very sorry,” says the Worried Wieern. ‘‘ Not my fault. As ‘oet says— I did think at least, With the wind in the East, The smell would not travel due West. Nothing can be clearer than that; can it, Sir Epwarp? But there’s no accounting for storms and winds, and I mean to go out of the business.” ARTHUR BaLFour, who was on the Committee which sanctioned the Blowholes, very wrath at demonstration against them. Speaks ly of taste in the City, and heaps words of contumely on the Metropolitan Board of Works as represented by Sir James Hoac. Sir Georce Extior, caressing his waistcoat with open palms as if he were cautiously searching for a pin, takes House into his con- fidence. Sir GroxeE so exceedingly confidential that there is great difficulty in hearing him at a distance of ten feet. Members near throng round to catch his words. Right Honourable Gentlemen on ront Opposition Bench crane their necks. Excited Members out earing angrily cry, ‘“‘Speak up!” But Sir Groreg, still gently rubbing his waistcoat, with look of profound wisdom on his shinin countenance, goes on in confidential whisper. Creep close up, and fin GrorcE re ating how when Blowholes first projected he ‘‘told ’°em they wouldn’t do.” Should put up ‘‘a tall chimbley,” somewhere, — an unobtrusive chimbley,” Sir Grorcx adds, in lower whisper, and with a confidential nod tothe SpgakeR. “A chimbley as tall as the Shot-tower, that would have made a draught and taken all the away.” House doesn’t seem to be enchanted with the chimbley It is, moreover, plainly too late to build it this afternoon, so Ae a Diriaion, and the Blowholes clean blown out by a majority of .— Fresh claimant for Leadership of Conservative from an unexpected quarter. Henny RicHarp urial Bill. Grand Cross, having considered it eard Harcourt on behalf of Plaintiff, gives judgment for und in New Second Reading, Mr, Saxr put upto announce this, Faithful Con-

servatives accept instruction. Bill about to pass when BERESFORD Hops appears on scene, and moves rejection of the Bill. At first sign of revolt, the Party leaves Grand Cross, to whom ewes sae | life is growing aga | pasuiee- Did not the = only the other day, impatiently howl him down when he pro- posed to make a prosy patronising speech on Explosives Bill? Time was when all his es were considered wise, and all his words beautiful. Getting a little frightened at turn events are taking. Wishes he hadn’t interfered. Fortunately did not make a speech. Only put up Sat. Rises now; says Bill might pass Second Read- ing only for the 7th Clause. But, with the 7th Clause, wild horses shall not tear from him consent. Implacable and inconvenient Lord RanpotpH wants to know whether 7th Clause has been added within last twenty minutes? Wasn’t it in the Bill when Satz, on part of Front Opposition Bench- assented to Second Reading ? ° Fine opportunity this for Ranpotpx, and he makes most of it, chaffing two Front Benches, making Sir Ricnarp very Cross indeed, and quaintly commenting upon various absences. Maddens Grandiose Old Man, terrifies OssoRNE Morcan, amuses the House, and has a high old time. Having pursued the joke for a quarter of an hour, gave time to Gorst to see it, and presently ‘‘Old Six-and-Eight- a as JosePH GILLIs, with characteristic levity, calls the learned Member for Chatham, rises and goes through it all over again, with a ‘* Where’s this Member ?”’ and ‘‘ Where’s that Minister ?” ‘* Where are the Law Officers of the Crown? Can you produce a Law Officer of the Crown?” he says to Haxcovrt, as if the Home- — in the habit of keeping an assortment in his waist- coat-pocket, Business done.—Cemetery Bill talked out, in spite of —— of Front Opposition Bench. RanDoLPH showed once more who is the real Conservative Leader. Thursday Night.—House crowded from floor to ceiling. Giap- STONE expected to speak on Affirmation Bill, General impulse when anyone else announced to speak on subject to get away as quickly as possible and remain away as long as convenient. Everyone sick to death of it. Only interesting portion of Debate at any time was that in which Sergeant-at-Arms took part. Cut out of the play now, and leaves it wearisome beyond description. Supposed to be Debate on question of Abolishing Parliamentary Oath. Really, Debate on BRaDLAUGH. ‘** Like the Forest of Arden, in Orlando’s time, had ‘ Rosalind’ carved on every tree, s0,”’ says ARTHUR BaLrour, “‘ we’ve ‘ Brad- laugh’ staring us in the face at every turn of the debate.” . Still believed Grand Old Man equal to infusing the debate with fresh life and vigour. So he does. < ‘*Magnificent!”? Mr. Gipson says, as the Old Man Eloquent sits down after a spin of an hour andahalf. ‘‘ Magnificent, but not votes. Every man has made up his mind how he’ll vote. Might as well have divided on Monday.’ ‘*Then why didn’t you P”’ I asked. * Ah! g away, now, Tony,” said Grsson, in his mellifluous tones. ‘‘ You’re too young and too innocent altogether for this place. This is your first Parliament. I daresay you’ll improve, if you live long enough. How’re things down in Berks now? Got a Caucus your way f”’ When the Grand Old Man sat down there was a pause. No one seemed quite to like to suggest comparisons by immediately follow- ing him. Presently pair of arms seen waving from below the Gang- way on Conservative side, and a familiar voice heard. “Tt’s Srantey LeicHton,” murmured Starrorp NortrHcore, feeling for his hat behind Lord Joun Manners’ legs. ‘‘ Truly there ’s only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous ;” and Sir SrarrorD, falling in with the stream of Members pouring out, left ‘*The Man ‘from Shropshire” gesticulating and bawling as if he’d discovered some fresh evidence about his property in Chancery, and believed the time had come when the Lorp CHANCELLOR should hear him. Business done.—Customs and Inland Revenue Bill read a Second Time. Friday.—Another open question closed bet oe Local Option Resolution adopted by Government and carried by large majority. Grand Old Man advanced by three courses. First (three years ago), voted against Resolution ; Secondly, abstained from voting ; Lastly, voted for it. Grand Cross wild and a little incoherent. Wants to read to House a few columns of Premrer’s speech on the subject. House politely but firmly declines, ‘‘ Everything an open question now,” said Starrorp Norrucors, with unwonted bitterness. ‘* They ’ll leave us nothing to yield upon when we come in,”

‘*GreaT fuss being made about this Prince CrackPorxiN,”’ says Mrs. RamsBoTHaM. She had heard one of her Nephews on the Stock Exchange singing “‘ Zhe Crackpot in the City,” and thought that this had something to do with it.

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re rr — ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 5, 1883, ——— ee es SSS oS — »; N Y ge ‘TN ‘ wa Wai i oe | fait \y\\ ee a “y \\\ PA'| es FN \\ ys HOW FRIENDSHIPS ARE KEPT WARM! Mrs, Jones, ‘‘Oun, I'VE LEFT OUT THE Browns! Musr we| Mrs. Brown, *‘ AN INVITATION FROM THE JONESES, Love! Musr INVITE THEM?” WE AccEPT?” Jones. ‘HANG IT ALL, IT’S A BEASTLY Borg, But I suPPOsE! Brown, ‘‘Conrounp 1T! It’s A GHASTLY NuisaNcE—sor | WE MusT/” | SUPPOSE WE MusT/” “ DOUBTFUL.” RATHER IRREGULAR. ; : : Wirnovr our Morning Postal ‘‘ Arrangements for To-day” Chief of Council loquitur— regulaciy every mara ‘ we sheald be nowhere—not in ae or, to put ! : poe , we should be all a —‘‘anywhere, anywhere out 0 Hw aatly | Gaitomo! | Baypr——ar Avaunt! 1 the worl,” and, certainly, not at home all day” But apology Colour good, fine light! So! Hideously doth haunt to the Editor in the most Lord-Chief-Justician style, we would a Sct cet: sound humbly suggest, that for the sake of the fashionable but unintelligent Is 80 crowded reall: Rarthauake and eclines foreigner who is not au courant with our times and seasons, the That so large a a ao neana t0 oo Pe mF wy re ” might be set in chronological order. Thus, why Treated s0 ideally ' Daffers’ farthing dips should the Catalogue be as we give it below, observing the order, but Not that that means stricture—| So much wall-space cover slightly altering the names :— Fogs us to find room for it ; Which to Light and Sweetness : _ _ARRANGEMENTS FoR To-paY. on’t reject it cmaney We would see assigned, Mrs. Bunnion’s First Dance. That were sorry doom for it. Vigour, taste, completeness Races— eect Gees’: Currah. — ' Very melancholy rowded out we find Chuckingham Club—Collars and final ties, April Foolscap last day. Is our present duty ; It is this constricture— — wy reer bg tte omen 2; Royal Society, Café Royal, ‘ 4 eis . mn! 3 ers’ Lecture, 6. Pe nechpr 7-5 Saem regia ’ nn hae -— a May Mee ings or May not—Buddhist and Bloomsbury Missionary Meeting. Ah! task is ti ae Tie ms “GA § ee ar eetings, Associations, &c.—Jo-Millerites Meeting at Asylum Seman on aiealiie ame In hia bite diction, .” would, he Idiots, Matweed, for diomoning ‘¢8hall India have a comic song ; oF, ’ 14 ais who’s going er yer ‘ Prabal ' ea oa maaieierial, The details are unimportant. But why commence the day with ae eee —_ " ail dance? Of course, to a great many Belgravians the first thing to be ioe fet a alabe y We'd not rite ER ‘acet” thought of when they wake in the morning is, where are we going Winress's eater-eceer— py ee oo, o to-night ? But the Foreigner above-mentioned would form, from Harshness plus grimace— If we can naw il sg these published arrangements, a curious idea of our English customs. Fills our souls with dolour. | Yes, Sir, and the Line on! —_| H® would write, “ They begin the day with a dance, which, being STANSFELD too. Ah me! ’Twere a task most pleasant. regularly affiché in the papers, is, of course, open to all eee Not the great Sea-scaper ! But, as we ‘re about full, - far more truly Republican are they here, under a Monarchy, C._D. painter, he. It must Sor the present : _ = se — to — a oe the — 4 f de oe : a ‘ot “ ? ’ Races. en wn to see etic Sports, in the 5 Praised in shrieking paper. Stand aside as ‘* Doubtful.” noon they tranquillise themselves with some Science, some Ch meetings, &c., &c. Such is life in London, without mentioning the : theatres and public-houses.” Mrs, Bunnion—who certainly deserves Txx Blue Ribbon Army must, of course, be in favour of the Aboli- | her ‘first dance ”—poor thing !—might have it down for the usual tion of Capital Punishment (or Encouragement of apni Bill, as | time at night instead of making it the commencement of the Arrange- they probably consider that an Execution is a drop too much. ments for the Day.

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tt hea@a@erriorrven-. euNver PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—May 5, 1883, \Y ‘i UAT WW AMANO jj SS —— — TS —S = { { |! " ne Hl ui il Saad ‘af wi ' ayy \hs | aS \ {| ‘ Ze ME Ry NN TT a OS CLIDSA ADO Pron ‘“ DOUBTFUL.” WA 44(\ Ih \\ Ait} N i NAN Th SLAP ME Tih —— G OMS hag ha mt, Stet LL ort, arg = LF EZ Parstpent or Couxciz. “ ‘ MUNICIPALITY REFORM.’ AH!—GOOD SUBJECT! YES—WE’LL PLACE IT—IF WE CAN FIND ROOM FOR IT!!!”

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Mar 5, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A VERY PRIVATE VIEW OF THE GROSVENOR. (By Ollendorff Junior.) Have you seen the Pictures? I have not seen the Pictures. I have not seen the Pictures, but I have seen the People. I shall lunch. Shall youlunch? I will lunch with you (at your expense). Thank you! (merci!) Has the Aisthete cut his hair? The Hair- dresser has cut the ANsthete’s hair (¢.¢., the hair of the Asthete). Llike (j’aime) the Picture by (par) Kretey Hatswex1e, but I will not urchase (acheter) the Nocturne by WuHISTLER (siffleur). WHISTLER be Prowed ! (sifflé). Kertey Hatswetur’s Picture is called (s’appelle) “Royal Windsor.” Is it true (est-ce vrai que) the Soap-man (/’homme aux savons), PEARS. has purchased ‘‘ Royal Windsor” for an adver- tisement (affiche)? Vat Painsep has painted something like an Artist, but (mais) Mr. Hott has painted somebody who is something like an Artist. Whatishisname? His name is (¢ s’appelle) Joun TENNIEL. Itis very hot. It is crowded. When itis crowded it is hot. How many ple are there here? , I do not know: I will count them. I should fike some lunch. You can lunch at the Restaurant below. Will ou lunch there also (aussi)? With pleasure, if you will pay for Poth of us (tous les deux). I havea hat, a stick, an umbrella, a catalogue, a ticket of admission, and an appetite, but I have no money. Iam afraid (ye crains) that no one will give me luncheon. I will (je vats) go down (descendre) into the Restaurant. Waiter! (garcon) have you some bread, some cutlets, some beef, some preserved strawberry a (confiture aux fraises), and some good wine (du bon vin)? Yes, Sir; here they are (voi/d), Ah! my dear friend (mon cher amt), sit opposite (vis-d-vis) me. Call the Waiter, and tell him we lunch together (ensemble). The wine is good, the bread is excellent, the beef is appetising. Excuse me one moment (wn moment) I see Madame X—— going up (monter) to the Gallery. I must (/ faut) speak to her. She has asked me to show (tndtquer) her Mrs.’ JopLine’s pictures and Miss MontatBa’s (ceux de Mile. MontarzBa), You are coming back (de retour), are you not (n’est-ce pas)? Yes; I shall come back. Waiter! the Gentleman who was with me will come back and pay for his own share. No, Sir (Non, Monsieur), you must pay for thetwo. It is too bad; I will speak to (sm’addresser) Mr. Comyns Cana, or to Sir Courrs. All that is nothing to me (tout ca ne me regarde pas); you have (tl faut absolument) to pay for two soups, two fish, two beefs, two vegetables (Jegumes), one bottle of the best (le meilleur) wine, two breads, two butters. There is the money. Iam angry. I will not give anything (me-rien) tothe waiter. The pictures are in the Gallery above, but his friend isno longer to be seen (visible). Where is that gentleman (ce mon- sieur)? Heis gone (t/ est partt). Did he say when he would return? No; he did not say when he would return. He has taken my over- coat (par-dessus), my catalogue, and my new umbrella (parapluie). I will hasten (me presser) to seek (chercher) him. Another day I will look at the pictures. LAW VERSUS HONEY. How to make Things pleasant to the Defendant, Prace—The High Court of Justice. |Trme—The Present Day. Tae Lory Carer Justice, after an exhaustive history of carica- ture in all its branches, from the time of the Flood up to the Nine- teenth Century, then addressed himself to the subject-matter of the ease. He said—Mr. Leoe I am sure will forgive me if I misrepre- sent him, but I certainly understood him to observe, ‘‘Some of my work is admirably artistic, but the remainder is certainly crude, not to say coarse,” This he has put forth in an extremely able manner, and what he says is well worthy of your attention. He adds, with much cleverness, that some of the caricaturists of the past century Were equally severe and coarse. Now, I am sure he will forgive me if I say that I should not have made any difference between these caricaturists of the past century and himself. Had those carica- turists been brought before me (as I am heartily glad they were not) Ishould have sentenced them (I ask Mr. Lzce’s art min, ot I may have to sentence him. Mr. Lrae says that many people pay a very arge price for caricatures. I do not doubt it, and I cannot suffi- ciently compliment Mr. Lzae upon the great research he has shown in gy the facts he has so exhaustively and clearly set before i. But I can only say that the Artists ot these works will find at I will punish them, although the first to admit their talent and wit. Mr. Lece must forgive me if I say that in the event of a et being found against him, he will find me the reverse of : nt. It will pain me excessively to have to cause inconvenience +a Lxee, who is an admirable scholar and a most accomplished wi but business is business, and a misdemeanor (Mr. Lrae Bai) ees me) can only be atoned for by fine and imprisonment. . Luce’s arguments are deserving of every consideration, and I assure him that shouid he, unfortunately, be compelled to retire for awhile into seclusion, that he should be.able to add to their force by mature and astute and uninterrupted reconsideration. But Mr. Leee must forgive me for saying that it is not an argument in his favour to urge that other caricaturists have escaped punishment. Supposing that a Duke were to steal a mantelpiece (Mr. Luce will excuse the analogy), it will be no argument in the burglarious Duke's favour to declare that other Peers of equa! rank have estaped dis- covery, and consequent punishment. In conclusion, the matter must be left to the Jury. ey would decide wisely. The issue was a simple one. Mr. Lecce would either be permitted to continue his truly admirable work in peace and comfort, or he would be forced eg Lxee would forgive him the suggestion) to spend all his leisure or many weeks in the cell of a prison. The Lorp Cuter Justice, after bowing for several minutes to the Prisoner in the most courteous and respectful manner, then dis- missed the Jury to consider their verdict. THE ROYAL SOCIETY OF PAINTERS IN WATER- COLOURS. Tue Water-cure in Pall-Mall seems to be as popular and successful as heretofore. The bright, vigorous, healthy character of the pro- ductions of the inmates of this establishment is steadfastly main- tained. Sir WitFrip Lawson should certainly be elected an honorary Member, seeing the brilliant and extraordinary effects that water seems to be capable of producing. Sir JoHN GILBERT is as versatile and Rubenesque as ever, Mr. T. J. Watson has some truthful landscapes, Mr. H. M. MarsHAtt some wonderful transcripts of life in our London streets, ‘‘Our’’ Mr. Du Maurier a piquante picture of Society, and Mr. Brexerr Foster some pleasant country scenes. There is a charming drawing by Mr. JoHn Rusk1n, truthful studies by Mr. G. P. Boyce, and delicately rendered figure-subjects by Mr. E. K. Jonnson. There are also contributions by Mrs. ALLINGHAM and Mr. Hotman Hont, with drawings by Messrs. 8. P. Jackson, E. Bucwanan, A. P. Newton, H. 8S. Marks, E. J. Poynrer, A. W. Hunt, Cant Haae, A. D. Farr, and others which call for especial attention. A capital collection in all of over three hundred pictures, So successful is this hydropathic establishment, that its Members might well sing an adaptation of an old Temperance Song, **O, water for me! Bright water for me! Give ot! to the tremulous debauchee |!’ On a Certain Debate. ToRNADOES of rancorous nothingnéss showered, ’Midst which a great name—ah! irreverence—tosses | Debate at St. Stephen’s seems hopelessly lowered To a game of ** Noughts” and (Sir RicHarp) Crossxs ! Stk Joun BENNETT lost his watch last week. He says that in future, for the benefit of those who would “‘ take away the means by which he lives,” he will keep a better watch over his pocket, and a worse one inside it.” ‘J. B. is sly, Sir, devilish sly ’—but the prigs = Se s aed of him. Why, they'll be taking the Clockmaker’s at next ! ‘*ConvERSION oF Rewyrss.’”?—Mrs, RamspoTHamM has seen this heading every day for a fortnight past in.all the papers. She wants to know who “ Rentes” is, and to what, and from what, he is con- verted? Was the conversion effected by a Church Missionary Society, or is it a Salvation Army affair ? T’OTHER AND WHICH. Drp “‘ Local Option ”’ find unfeigned voice, ’T would prove another name for ‘* Hobson’s Choice.’’ Tue AFFIRMATION PrincrptEs.—A Constable, ordered to search the cellars of the Houses of Parliament for explosive material, on being poet with a safety-lamp, refused to carry it, saying that ne hai a conscientious objection to taking his Dayy—or anybody else’s. Mrs. RamssotHam’s New Cookery Book is progressing. She says i a brouslion.” the best French soup in ordinary use is ‘'a good ‘Rove’? Praces.—Our Parks and pleasure-grounds—as at pre- sent managed.

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au bh —— 214 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. ——_. [May 5 1883, FLORA’S PROTEST. O pays of ty-heat, Art- f triolets, All hollow artifice in heart SI, in ray leave my primroses, may- buds, and violets To play their unsophisti- cated 6 As Nature’s commoners, catho- lic of blessing, Not badges of mere party, clique, or cult. | n To pose my flowers as parti- sans, professing , Allegiance, save to me, is to insult Impartial Beauty, freest of all dowers. ZEsthetic Noodledom has layed its tricks With lilies and the golden- rayed sunflowers, __ Now Noodledom political would fix Upon my blossom-world its foolish fingers, Make Perdita’s catalogue a party-list. Bat whilst some love of Flora with you lingers, Let gentle heart and fancy warm resist The cold intrusion. Word- world is your own, For badge and battle; leave my flowers alone ! ‘Tre Origin of Figures” has hitherto been hidden in impenetrable obscurity, though the secret is known in many cases to Ladies’- maids and Corset-makers. The other day, however, it was stated that ‘‘ The Mother of Number One” had been found and interviewed. Here is evidently the long - sought elucidation. The Lady in question must be of a very advanced age. Is PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 134. ANI ' SIR GEORGE B. AIRY, K.C.B., F.B.S., THE ASTRONOMER-ROYAL WHO DESERVES THE GRATITUDE OF HIS COUNTRY FOR HAVING ‘‘ CORRECTED THE ATMOSPHERIO CHROMATIC DISPERSION,” “TWO TO ONE ON THE FIELD!” WE wish more cases were ended as Mr. Justice Fierp polished off one Mr. Hrno, in an appeal case, Hind y, Brand, a trouble of some ten years’ standing. Mr. Hmp commenced with an unfor- tunate remark, for which he was justly rebuked by the Jadge, and then the case went along rapidly until— ‘* Mr. Justice Frexp said no cause for action was shown, and if, notwithstanding that statement, the plaintiff continued to waste the public time, he should exer. cise the power vested in him, and cause his removal from the court. “ Mr. Hinp said he had not been heard, but he would submit to the application being dismissed without costs, and he could go to the Court of Appeal. “Mr. Justice FreLD—We shall dismiss it with costs, and you can go where you like. ‘* Appeal dismissed, with costs.” Isn’t that magnificent? “I shall go to the Court of Ap- peal,” cries Mr. Hinp. ‘“ You can go——” replies Mr. Justice Fretp, ‘‘where you like,” Which suggests rather a court below than one of the courts above. But, anyhow, exit Mr. Hin, and a saving of public time is effected. Song of the Youthful Rideist. Trt tat toe, _.. My first go With the Equestrians All in ‘‘ the Row.” Canter up, Canter down, ; That’s the way we ride in town. iy Ly HALF-SEAS UNDER. (Impression created by reading the Evidence given before the Channel Tunnel Committee.) _ THat the project is the one thing that can’save England from invasion, starvation, and ruin. That it is an idea that will, if carried out, destroy the British | pire. That it will be a great financial success, having about eight hun- trains a day, with some couple of dozen million passengers. That it will entail bankruptcy upon all who touch it, and will have not more than two trains per diem, with about twenty passengers. _That it will cost three millions. That it will also cost twenty- eight millions. That it will also cost nothing. That it can be constructed in two months. That it will take twenty years in excavation. That with ‘vigour it ought to be finished in a fortnight. That it should belong to Sir E. WaTK1n. That it should be bought by the Government. That it should be open to everybody. That nobody should use it. That it could be one Stated by a fort built by Sir E. WaTxmn, whose knowledge of Military Engineering would thus be put to the test for the first time. A Sergeant’s guard would be an ample garrison for this earthwork. That it would take the whole of the Fleet and the entire Army, Militia, and Volunteers to man a series of absolutely necessary ee for its defence, which would extend from Folkestone to indsor. | That commerce would increase a hundredfold, as goods from the | Continent would be brought at a third of the price to England from abroad. | That no goods could be sent by the submarine route, as the expense | would be too great for such a means of transport. In fact, it would be cheaper to send a package two thousand miles by sea than one hundred yards by rail. 7 That all the world would go by it to escape the sea-passage. That nobody would give up the steamers, preferring them to the dangers of a tunnel. : , That the scheme is a triumph of civilisation, and should be carried out immediately. " That the plan is as pernicious as it is idiotic, and should be knocked on the head once and for ever. J. 8 FORBES TO HIS ‘* ASTHETIC BLOWHOLES.” ‘* Brow, blow, thou sulphuretted wind ! Thou art not more pestiferous Than Parliamentary ingratitude.” Potmonary Osstruction.—Result of excessive em | Exten- sion and consequent inroad of Speculative Builder on Subur an Open Spaces, producing deposit of bricks-and-mortar, and congestion the Lungs of London. “Tue Cap of Marntenance.” — Awarded by the Lonp Cal? Justice (as a N-wd-g-te Prize) :—A Fool’s Cap. ———

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*

, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

4 — 1s vw | CN) Gos 4 2 —+ A LT ~ N =) i — badd bs LOANS pe a ‘2 A — rg \% d bo ¢ ot Ay j ZL ) 4 ty ANS a \ ZZ we y “ZAZA < iat | \% —_ i ao ~ A BAD FIVE MINUTES. AWEWARD PosITION OF AN EQuESsTRIAN AT MID-DAY MAKING FOR THE MARBLE ARCH, WHEN THE POLIOE HAVE TEMPORARILY DISAPPEARED, THE WooD PAVEMENT BEEN RECENTLY WATERED, AND EVERYBODY IS IN A HUREY GENERALLY,

A NEW THEATRICAL REGULATION BILL. Ir the Earl of Onstow wants to bring in a really useful Bill for regulating Theatrical matters, we beg to present him with a few suggestions :— That it shall be made an offence at Common Law, or indictable for any person to continue practice as a Theatrical Amateur in any line after he or she shall have passed the age of twenty-five, without a special licence having been previously obtained from a Committee constituted, according to the terms of the present Act, of Dramatic Authors, Professional Actors, and one Common-Law Judge. That the cost of obtaining such an aforesaid special licence shall be not less than £50 and not more than £300, according to the con- dition of the applicant, which sums shall go to such charitable pur- poses as the Committee may appoint. That all Amateurs professing to play for any Charity shall only be permitted to do so on payment of ten guineas to the Treasurer of such Charity. That the Dramatic Authors, or Authors and Composers whose pieces are represented by.Amateurs shall be compelled by Law to demand exactly three times the amount of their ordinary fees for each representation, whether such representation be for charity or for no specified object. That no licence be granted to any Lady Amateur over forty, nor to any Gentleman Amateur over forty-five. { no licence be granted for more than a year. That all such licences expire finally, for Ladies, at the age of forty, and for Gentlemen at forty-five. And any Lady or Gentleman, over the above-mentioned ages, playing in any performance whatever, except as a properly engaged an ed member of a regular Professional Company, shall be fined for the first offence £50, for the second £100, and for the third imprisonment for not more than two years. t or Professional Actor bringing out a novice to play Juliet, or any | g part in any piece whatever, shall be fined £100 for the first offence, & be imprisoned for the second, and banished the country for the third.

That any Amateur, Lady or Gentleman, whether acting under advice, as a pupil, or otherwise playing any leading part in any piece whatever at an evening performance, or at a Matinée, shall be in- dicted by the Director of Public Prosecutions for the murder of such Stage-character, and shall be proceeded against as the Act directs. — That designs for new Theatres be forthwith laid before a Council of Professional men, including the principal Metropolitan and Pro- vincial Managers (but no architects or builders) under the presidency of Captain Saw. ; That all existing Theatres be gradually pulled down and rebuilt on the places agreed to by the Council above-named. That every Theatre having existed under one and the same Management for over three years shall be taken to possess a réper- toire of its own, from which it shall select two pieces to alternate with the nights of any new production, so that there shall be a variety of performances every week, the new piece being played for four nights and one Matinée, and the old pieces for two nights. This will keep the Actors in good working order, will induce a number of — to revisit the Theatre, and generally advance the interests of ramatic Art. f Dramatic Authors’ fees shall be fixed at a certain scale of per- centage for all pieces whether new or old, and four tickets for the stalls, {and two dress-circle tickets or one box be at their disposal on the nights when these pieces are played. That no Actor or Actressjin receipt of a salary at the rate of £1000 per annum shall take a benefit. ; That any Actor or Actress introducing any words, phrases, speeches, commonly called ‘‘ gags,” of their own into any piece what- soever shall, on the case being clearly proved against them before the nearest sitting Magistrate, be fined two weeks’ salary for the first offence, four for the second, and so on. ‘eF Should the Actor plead that he or she has the Author’s permission for such “‘ gag,” the permission in = must be in writing, duly witnessed, stamped, and produced in Court. That anybody proved to be a member of any Church-and-S Guild shall be detained during Her Majesty’s pleasure in Hanwe: St. Luke’s, or Colney Hatch.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ey [May 5, 1883, “THE SILVER STREAK.” “It seemed to him that if we had no way into or out of the country except by sea, our position was a most dangerous one. We ought not to be content to go on living in this fools’ paradise, dependent for everything on the sea.” Sir Eowarp Wartkin’s Evidence on the Channel Tunnel. WE have sung very oft Britons ne’er shall be slaves, And boasted Barrannra rules o’er the waves, But now, if we trust Epwarp WarTEI, it seems We've all been indulging in dangerous dreams: That Railway Colossus declares it to be Quite akin England ’s surrounded by sea. We had thought we were nirong, but he swears we are weak, And it’s all-on account of the Sea’s Silver Streak. We had fancied this tight little island of ours Was better untouched 7 all neighbouring Powers, That, as an observer could note at a glance, The sea made us safer than Spain or than France ; That while on the Continent all flew to arms, The Ocean preserved us from foreign alarms ; But it’s quite a mistake, we are shockingly weak, And it’s all on account of that Sad Silver Streak. ’Tis of course just your game, good Sir Epwarp, we know, To back up the Tunnel and fight for your Co. ; To vow that we shall be more prosperous far, When close-linked to France, than as just as we are. The Sea’s not a danger, Sir Epwakp, that’s flat, And England can’t swallow such twaddle as that ; Tis the Tunnel will make us most Sa weak, And there’s safety we’ll swear in the Sea’s Silver Streak ! GRAND OPENING OF THE NEW PICCADILLY WATERWORKS. (Two First Visits, Thursday and Friday, April 26 and 27.) Ou, didn’t I hear of these jolly Young Watermen! and didn’t I determine to be in my place and at theirs for the opening ceremony ! Rather! The idea haunted me. I had restless nights, and thought at last that I should be prostrated with Water-colour on the brain. But Thursday morning came at last. An uncertain day—a water- coloury sort of day, which—may the omen be propitious !—turned out remarkably fine. I was determined to be the first on the scene. My cabman, with a watery-coloury eye, but gin-and-watery voice, took advantage of my being deeply immersed in an article on the Impressionists by one of the Morning Postmen to drive me to Holborn, because he said he had understood me to say the ‘‘ New Buildings,’”’ which he took to mean the First Avenue Hotel with the scaffolding up, and, on my explaining to him his mistake, he was for driving me to the Aquarium (a nearer ‘approach to the Water- Colours), had I not risked my neck by putting my head out of the window—it was a fourwheeler—and shouting at him the exact direction, which at length brought him up at the entrance to the New Galleries of the Institute in Piccadilly. Here everything showed me I was among the Painters. They were hard at work, brushes in their hands, and paint-pots by their side, at the doors. A warning with regard to ‘‘ Wet Paint’ was the first thing that caught my eye at the foot of the staircase, and made me at once distrustful and uncomfortable. Whatever it might be up above in the Galleries, below it was ‘‘ Varnishing Day,” and the Painters at work were all ‘‘ Artists in oil,””—very much in oil. This was an odd beginning,—English work, and Italian oil. The Galleries had a bright, fresh, and wholesome look, and were well open to the daylight. Pictures with loftiest aims did not appear to me to be “‘skied,’’ but were well placed, and the general appearance decidedly attractive. ‘‘The Press,” at that early hour, was represented by two Gentlemen who were doubtful as to where to place their great-coats and umbrellas, and who apparently experi- enced some difficulty in keeping clear of the upholstering men engaged in laying down new carpets by the aid of a sort of miniature pitchfork, and a small edition of a Nasmyth hammer, and over whom the Critics, shading their eyes and making lorgnettes with their hands, as they backed to focus their ‘‘ private views,” were perpetu- ally stumbling, and not distinctly apologising. It didn’t take long, however, for the Busy Bees to select the flowers where the best honey was to be found, and which would prove most attractive to pam Public, with whom, during the Season, these saloons e a favourite resort. ZEstheticism is but scantil ee Here and there some unhealthy group of stiffly-outline » like Jonn LEEcuH’s ‘*Gent a-blowin’ of his baccy” on the drag, “‘spile the lot.” But this is quite exceptional. Life and health are fully represented ; and the visitor is not depressed by sickly tints and unwholesome effeminate beings, first cousins of ghouls, and closely connected with vampires and churchyards, nor by the effeminate creations of a spasmodic, Colney-Hatchney sentimentality, where all is Mystery, Melancholy, and hopeless Muddle. Brightness, lightness, a pervading healthy tone and truth to Nature, and somehow a feeling of English Home. steadiness, seem to pervade the atmosphere of the New Galleries of the Institute of Waterworks in Piccadilly. Then came the opening ceremony on Friday night. We were all in the Prince’s Hall or Concert Koom—a good place for sound, and fitted up with the most perfect taste, except the balcony at the back, which can only be admired by those with whom open jam-tart is a passion,—at the appointed time, and then punctnally arrived Their Royal Highnesses The Prince and Princess of WaLEs, delighted to take part in anything tending to promote the cause of Art, with their distinguished party, whom all rose to receive as Mr. AntnuR CaaPPELt ‘ushered them to their seats, with musical honours (he hummed the accompaniment to the National Anthem in an under. tone), performed by some respectable full-grown cherubs, of a serious turn, packed up aloft,—they were members of the London Vocal Union, and, this ceremony being over, the Harmonists in black and white commenced a melodious invitation to somebody to ‘‘ Strike the Lyre,” which challenge not being accepted by anybody in particular, the Respectable Warblers retired in excellent order, there being clearly no Lyre present to be struck. Then Mr. Frep Cowen played an accompaniment for Miss SanTLEY, who sang a couple of songs charmingly and unaffectedly, Then Signor Pratt played on his violoncello a Fantasia on airs from Sonnambula, with Mr. Cowen still at the piano, who, however, had quite a little holiday of it when the Signor came to the inevitable variations. A simple tune has no chance with Signor Piartr; he won't let it alone. He hunts it into corners: he moves up and down stairs over it, dances on it, but up it comes again fresh as ever, in spite of his attempts to crush it. Then he has a game of pursuing his bow with his left hand up and down the instrument, the bow only narrowly escaping being caught each time and getting off with a frightened squeak (like.a mouse), when the left hand, evidently very nervous, rushes up to the top of the instrument, scuttling away like a spider from a stinging fly, and doesn’t venture down again for at least another twenty seconds or so. Finally the Signor is led off exhausted by Mr. Cowen. The absence of all water-colour from the programme was remark- able, considering the occasion. We ought to have had ‘* The Jolly Young Waterman” in praise of the New Departure, ‘‘ The Buttle of Trafalgar,” ‘‘ Hearts of Oak” by Mr. Santxey, and a fountain or two might have been engaged to play. However, so it wasn’t, and on we went. Madame Parry then’ sang Scuusert’s ‘‘ Ave Maria,” giving a version considerably at variance with the printed words in the pro- gramme, so that, after the first four lines, those who were following the book found it better to close it at once, and listen to the singer, which was a real treat. Then came a M. VuapiMik DE PAcHMANN, who, in consequence of his long hair, and a bulkiness about his waist and coat-tails suggestive of concealed fish-bowls, to be presently produced from under a handkerchief, I at first set down as a Con- juror. He wasn’t however, being a Pianist of considerable skill, with an overpowering propensity for getting the most out of every note, and listening in rapt admiration to its dying away in the distance, and then slowly raising his left hand as if pronouncinga blessing on the instrument as he went along, which I am bound to say was by no means so rapidly as some of us would have wished. However, he | gps himself out at last, didn’t do the fish-bowls or the eggs and cannon-ball in somebody's hat, and retired to make way for Signor Fott, who burst upon us with a bravura, in which he asserted that he ‘‘ was a Roamer ’’—which though a musical name, is nowadays more associated with a Queen’s Counsel than with ‘* four-eight ”’ in a bar. The Roamer having wandered away, the first part was brought to a conclusion, the Stewards, with red rosettes, disappeared, and_pre- sently the Chappell of Ease returned, and begged their Royal High- nesses to ascend to the Galleries, declare the New Building open, see the Pictures, take some refreshment, and enjoy themselves. With which request their Royal Highnesses complied, and then pro- ceeded to inspect the Pictures. So did everybody else. Space will not ports of our giving extracts just now from the Catalogue which, @ la mode Parisienne, is illustrated, and is a most useful souvenir of the visit. Sir FrepEerick, P.R.A., kindly looked in int to give a touch of Oil to the Waters, in case they should be troubled. The opening of the New Piccadilly Waterworks was a brilliant success, on which the Council of Ten, including the President, Mr. Louis Haeue, the indefatigable Secretary, the Curator EvERILL (may he be Always Well!), Mr. Linton, and the Members who have stuck manfully to the work, are to be heartily congratulated. N.B.—Look in at Nos. 825, 817, 771, 491, 500, 380, 352, 864, and Mr. J. D. Linton’s 484—‘‘ The Admonition; or, a Regular Cuss. The Princess Beatrice is an Honorary Member, and contributes 838 and 840. Catalogue later on. Admission on Opening Night was by illustrated cards as tickets. These are the Institute’s Water- Cartes de Visite. § TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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May 12, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. var \\ i. HN AFTER THE PRIVATE VIEW AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY LAST FRIDAY. First Lady. Oh, it was delightful! so amusing! Second Lady. Such a crush! the heat something too awful; but iy ad there. ; Third Lady. 1 was in the Academy from eleven till six. We lunched there. Mr. X-—— pointed out all the celebrities to us. First Lady. Yes. wonderful costumes ! Second Lady. Weren’t they! I saw Miss ELLen TERRY and Mr. Gtapstong, and Mr. Hares, and Sir FREDERICK LEIGHTON. But I couldn’t see Mr. Ievine. I was told he was there. ‘ Third Lady. I just caught a glimpse of him as he was leaving. Second Lady. No! did you? I wish I had. never seen him off the stage. Tooxe to us. Fourth Lady. Yes, dear; but I found out afterwards that I had made a mistake. 1t wasn’t Toon, it was Sir Vernon Harcourt; but they ’re both so much alike. Second Lady. And then the Artists, you know! Mr. It was-most interesting ; and what I’ve JENNY pointed out Mr. Forts Hoop was with us- most of the time, and he pointed them all out to us. There was Mr. CaALDERON, PicturE/! NNO!!! WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH! Old Friend (with unnecessary surprise and effusion). ‘*WHAT/ Souv YouR You DON’T man TO say 80!!!!” you know, who always paints Chateaux d’ Espagne, look- ing anything but a Spaniard with his long curly flaxen hair and youthfal face of true Saxon type. Third Lady. Yes, and Mr. Mittats! Why, he looks quite a small boy. Fourth Lady. But, Mr. Storry, who was the archi- tect of Story’s Gate! He might be, as Mr. Hoop said, a Life-Guardsman. First Lady. They were all there. We were badly off for lunch, but we made up for it with cake and lemonade. Second Lady. Ah! there’s nothing in the whole Season I like so much as a Private View Day at the Royal emy. Enter Gentleman. Gentleman. Royal Academy! So, you’ve been to the Show. What did you think of the Pictures ? All (surprised), The Pictures! Oh, we hadn’t time to see any Pictures, ( Curtain.) AN AMATEUR PLAY-BILL. (Turned from ‘‘ the Conventional” into ‘the Plain Truth,”) Ox such and such a date, to suit the convenience of the Chief Performers, who are usually lazy Clerks in disorganised Government ces A GRAND EXHIBITION OF INCOMPETENCY — held, nominally for the Benefit of some obscure Charity, but ay IN GLORIFICATION OF THEIR OWN SELF-CONCEIT, admittedly by a band of ‘‘ Amateur Actors” (Actors, eave the mark !) calling themselves by a high-sounding title, but really By a Body of Fraudulent Donkeys, who, by announcing that they can “‘ act” some popular piece, induce the Public to pay their money to come and see them. The perform- ances will commence with THE BUNGLING OF A FARCE, in which some brainless idiot, brimming over with mistaken eelf- DRAMATIC NOTES. Mr. Avaustus Harris has revived his Youth, which will now have its fling for some considerable time. e shall have a word or two to say later on about the new Battle Scene, which occurs—as battles will occasion- ally—in the middle of what still promises to be a lasting piece. At Toole’s theatre, Mr. J. L. TooLz tells a wonderful story—an ’orrible tale —about his being set upon by ans with gleaming teeth, wild eyes, and fearful weapons, on his way home one night—when his wife didn’t know he was out—in Piccadilly. A Sly Dog was there to corroborate the tale; bat the little dog laughed to see such fun, and r. J. L. Toore went off with the trombone. The Merry Duchess, by Messrs. Sims and Cray, has, it seems—or it Sims— An Artful Card. confidence will have the UNBOUNDED IMPUDENCE, displayed in get-up, business, and other details picked up with the assistance of a professional Coach, of Fexsiy Imirating Mr. J. L. TOOLE!! The Programme will end with a second attempt at damaging the Dramatic Authors’ Society, by MURDERING A MODERN COMEDY. This dark deed will be accomplished by a number of numskulls of both sexes, with the organs of self-esteem and Jove of approbation abnormally developed. The whole will conclude (as it has com- menced) with a grand display of Vantry, FRIVOLITY, JEALOUSY, AND ALL SORTS OF UNCHARITABLENESS. _— VOL, LXXXxIv, made a hit at the Royalty. All about this in our next after next. As to the tunes, somebody said that ‘‘the music of Ciay is werry putty.” Fedora, at the Haymarket last Saturday, was a success for the Management. Mrs, Sakan BERNHARDT-BEEBE astonished everyone by her cleverly-managed line-upon-line tracing of the original por- trait. Mr. CoaHian, being unable to make a ile copy of PrerrE Bgrton’s Loris,—and Art forbid he should ever dream of trying it, —could only mechanically obey stage-directions and move with the other principal figure. Full notice deferred. THE QuEEN’s prohibition ‘‘as to lamb” having been removed, 4 following will be the new Royal motto — ‘* Revenons a nes outons, U

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__ af wh a Seer AFR E ] LP LUN aS beastie ak tees “Zeek [May 13, 1883, ‘Ayes ern Sah, ROYAL ACADEMY MAY-POLE DANCE. a 4 A \ ge PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \ nt SN

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May 12, 1883,] —— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL _ = MUSICAL NOTE. We regret having been unable to assist at Mr. Sims ReEves’s Concert, last week. Oar Musical Man went, and reported that the Concert was a first-rate one, and that Mr. Invuve’s song, accompanied by Mr. J. L, TooLE on the trombone, was the gem of the entertainment. Mr. Santixy has never been in better voice than at the Concert —not Sims’s, but another’s—and he was cheered to the echo, and by the Echo (there is avery objectionable one in St. James's and the Police, assisted by Mr. Ar- 7aUR CHAPPELL, ought to find her out, and bring her up with her sister at the Albert Hall before the nearest Magistrate, charged with disturbing the audience)—in his splen- did rendering of Oh, many have told Of the Monks of old What a glorious race they were ; But ’tis not true, As told to you, That I’m off to a Monastére. That is a sort Of false report, At which when it I hear, laugh ‘“‘ ha! ha!” Tis chaff, *‘ha! ha!” What I asa Monk! No fear! Some folk would be shocked To see me frocked With — and shaven crown ; My tailor would sigh, My shoemaker cry, And my hairdresser go out of town. I may, you know, To CHAPPELL go With Terry of Gaietee. We chaff and quaff, He makes us laugh ; Never knew such a mon-as-TERREE, After this musical and vocal explanation, the truthful person who took the trouble to set the canard flying about, may now at once beg pardon, and for ever after- wards hold his tongue. THE CONSPIRATORS’ CHORUS, —— Sine asong of Dynamite, pack it up in bags, Rattle it in railway » trains, drop it on the Let it « in | it go in luggage vans ’midall harmiessloads; Never mind the conse- quences if the stuff ex- plodes. Here’s to Nitro-glycerine! store’ it in a cask, Making it, says Chemistry, is an easy task ; Though it’s reckoned dangerous, let it flood the floors, — g the detective coves prying at the ors, Fulminating Mercury goes off with a noise, for little Fenians like a baby’s toys ; Chlorate of Potassium ’s not exactly placid, When it’s mixed with sugar, Sir, and sul- phuric acid. This a merry business is, but your cruel Ws Say we shan’t use Dynamite to advance the use 7 Yet we'll ‘mix our fulminates underneath eyes, Maile te gay Conspirator blows you to the ‘A SOFT ANSWER,” &c. Stout Lady Passenger (wincing—he had trod on her best corn), ‘‘ Phew !—cLUMsy——” Polite Old Gent. ‘‘ Vary SORRY, MY DEAR MADAM, BUT IF YOU HAD A Foor LARGE ENOUGH TO BE SEEN, 8U0H AN ACCIDENT COULDN'T ocouR!” Pocket Booxs.— A propos of Royal Academy subjects, the most useful little books and most appropriate presents just about this time are those forming the series of Zhe Great Artists, published by Messrs. Sampson Low—which always seems to suggest a gentle pub- lisher’s name, to be fitted to the air of ‘‘ Soft and Low” —and, with this hint, he that hums may hum it, and if he hums it wrong, he can comfort himself with the reflection that— * To err in humming is a gift divine.” But to return to our books: they are excellent for reference, usefully illustrated, and adapted to an ordinary pocket, being half-a-crown or three-and-sixpence a-piece. A Novergents Czntury Mrnactz.—But twelve months since to have suggested the possibility of causing a statue to feel emotion, would have been treated as the utterance of a lunatic who had seen Don Giovanni. And now—what has happened? The Duke of ee WELLINeTON’s Statue has been both touched and moved!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [May 12, 1883,

OUR ACADEMY GUIDE.

“No. 1.” en: taken No. 28.—Catching a Mermaid; or, the a 3 Judicious Hooker. BOOTH wy al i \ \ Ay ; \ ee VQ

—$<—_= No. 58.—Gone Wrong. (See description below.) No. 37.—Une Grande Dame ; or, A Little Big-wig.

Or course the Academy Exhibition must begin with the celebrated **No. 1,” as shown above. No. 3. ‘* Baby on the Rock.” Antuur Stocks. Buyers recom- mended to invest capital in the Stocks. — mee: No. 5. ‘‘ The Double Entendre.” Evident situation: Old Gentle- man has just said something which brings a blush to the cheek of ‘the Young Person.” Fancy what the “* cheek” of the old person must be! Marcus Sronx, A. Not, perhaps, quite the gem of the collection, but still a precious Stone. No. 13. Memories. By AntHuR Hugues. Treated above, so no — es | it here. 0.28. The Judictous Hooker. Vide supra. No. 29. On entering Gallery No. I., the eye—anybody’s eye—will be immediately caught by Mr. Mrrzats’ Hook. It is without excep- tion the finest picture in the entire Show. It is saying a great deal, but all will 7— that this is the picture of the year, and that a finer portrait Mr. Mruzats has never painted. There is just one disap- pointment in this picture: the nose is almost Grecian. Now, how-| C ever exact the likeness in other respects, it must be clear to everyone that Mr. Mruzats’ brother Academician must have a Hook nose. No. 30. Apples. By Mr. Macarecor. We regret to say we have to ‘‘ crab” Apples. No. 37. Une Grande Dame; or, A Little Big-wig. J. E. Mut- LaIs, R.A. She can bas. | “Pa” and ‘‘ Ma,” and should be labelled, ‘* A guinea, dressed complete.” No. 58. Gone Wrong; or, a Mysterious omnes in the Life of Lady Jane Grey. J.E.Mittass. The picture tells its own story. Lady Grey was staying at a hostelrie, and returning late from an evening party she forgot the number of her room, couldn’t find the candle, and lost her way in the corridor, The unfortunate Lady is represented at a critical moment, when, afraid of meeting a stranger’s gaze, she shuts her eyes, so as not to confront the stairs. No. 60. 4 Real Centenarian. E, Anmrracz, R.A. Intended as as companion picture to a portrait of ‘‘ Old Parr,” to be called ‘‘ Old @. Nos. 91 and 97. Enwin Lone, R.A. Twin Sisters. ‘“ Linkéd sweetness,—Long drawn out.” Go on—can’t stop Long. No, 163.—PrivaTs Friru’s Vizw.—Members of the Salvation Army, led by General Oscar Wilde, joining in a hymn.

No. 87. Taking the Chair. Nervous elderly Gentleman, “| frightened at being in somebody ’s seat, from which he wi ape be ejected. C. GRENVILLE Manton. Couldn’t have made is mark more distinctly if he ’d been a ‘‘ Jo Manton.” We will return to Gallery No. I. another day. At present, on our first visit, we must i skim the cream of the Show, and so, on entering Gallery No. II., we walk straight up to— No. 163, Mr. Frith’s Private View. The Artist is, of course, as much entitled to his private view as is Mr. BrapLavau, or General BoorH, or as we are ourselves. Like Daniel in the celebrated Newdigate poem— And when we saw the picture on the wall, At first we couldn’t e it out at all. But a few moments’ reflection will help the spectator to the Artist’s meaning. It is clearly this :—A number of celebrities have joined the Salvation Army, and, wate Fee a room in the Academy fora Sunday amp Meeting, have brought their hymn books, and the majority of them are joining heart and soul in a hymn, which is fry ge by the wsthetic Mr. Oscan Witpz, while Mr. Saxa, having lost his place in the book, is = echoes in the ground. . Mrxxals, only half converted, feels uneasy, and is rubbing himself sideways against the corner of a frame. Mr. Marks is anxiously waiting for the hymn to be finished, in order to preach on his own conversion, and point to himself as a Frightful Example. Mr. Henny Irvine looks pale and nervous ; he is probably about to yield to inspiration, and to address them in the unknown tongues. The prominent members are of course Generals, Captains, and Lieutenants, while ‘ Private View himself is modestly at the back taking notes. _ : The distinctive mark of this Corps of the Salvation Army is the shape of their hats; they have all been compelled to observe unifor- mity in this respect, and have, no doubt, all dealt with the same hatter. The President’s, Sir F. Lerenton’s, clothes will give his tailor fits. May the tailor do the same for Sir FrepERick! On the old system adopted by the stage-managers of the Elizabe- than era, who called a spade a spade, and wrote up ‘‘ This is & House,” ‘‘ This is a Tree,’ and so forth, Mr. FratH most con-

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May 12, 1883,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 221 siderately placed the names of the celebrities represented underneath, sothat, after the first ten minutes, there is no possibility of mistaking Sir FREDERICK for Mr. Irvine, Erten Terry for Netty Far- REN, Mr. Guapstong for Mr. TENNIEL, orSir W. V. Harcourt for Mr. W. AcnzEw, M.P., and so on. It will be a most valuable picture long after the Salvation Army craze is forgotten, and most interesting when all pho- tographs of the persons here represented shall have faded away, and their likenesses everywhere been destroyed,— excepting always those in Mr. Punch’s unique collection, which will ever exist to answer doubts, decide bets, restore certainty, and correctly teach history. After this we have not time or space for much. Just look at— No. 191. Psyche. E. J. Poynter, R.A. ‘* The property of the Corporation of Liverpool.” A portrait, of course. Ahem! An old Subject frequently “ Treated.” Naughty Corporation. Fie! GOLDEN WORDS FROM A MAN OF METAL. (From a MS. preserved in the Office of Works.) Tue Chief Commissioner and the Secretary stood still and looked at one another in wonder. It was just before daybreak and exactly opposite Apsley House. ; ** Thank you again, Gentlemen,”’ repeated the sharp metallic voice. “Where does it come from?” asked the Chief Commissioner, in a frightened whisper. : ” was the immediate answer. ‘‘ From F.M. the Duke “The strangest sight I have seen since I left the Legation in Japan,” murmured the Secretary, regarding the statue with awe. ** A very good site, indeed,” observed the Iron Duke, with a smile, as he glanced around him at the new roads. ‘‘I am sure I have to thank you both for the trouble you have taken in getting me down. When I make my acknowledgments, I must not forget Mr. R. J. CaLLENDER, who, before he went to the Office of Works, did capital service at the Admiralty and in Ceylon in positions of the greatest responsibility.” _ “The Assistant Secretary is, and has been for many years simply invaluable,” said the Chief Commissioner. “* Hear,{hear !” heartily echoed Mirrorp, C.B. “Quite so. And now that I have come to land safely, the sooner I get to the Horse Guards the better.” ‘You will find the place rather changed, your Grace,” observed the Chief Commissioner, who was now regaining his composure. **No doubt,”’ returned WELLINGTON. ‘I know perfect y well that G@zor¢E—the other Duke—was marched off to Pall-Mall with head- say pling It was a forced march, and GzorcE liked it no better he liked the anti-scarlet grey.” ‘Oh, you know about that controversy ?”’ observed the Secretary. “My good friend, I know everything. From my elevated position I have seen much, but, until you were kind enough to lower me, I no opportunity of airing my opinions. A trifle too much air, perhaps; but anything I — have said would have been over the heads of the peopl . was saying,’ continued the Iron Duke, unbending a little, ‘‘ although I saw a great deal up there, I had no opportunity of getting at anybody until you let me down. However, my experience has been serviceable. I have had this advantage over other people in exalted positions—that I have been allowed to see matters for myself. My view has been perfectly clear a in a London fog), and I am able to give you good advice now that am pen you on a footing of equality.” ., You are very kind,” said the Chief Commissioner. I will address myself, if you please, more particularly to your colleague,” replied the Duke. ‘‘To Mr. Mirrorp—to whom is “ due the present alteration.” ;, NO; 00,” interrupted the oo greg of the Bath, modestly. But I say ‘ Yes, yes,’” replied the Great Commander ; “ and I am not accustomed to make a statement without due consideration. To you, Sir, then, I address myself, and ask—You have moved me, why, don’t you move t’other one ?” ‘co other one ?” echoed the Secretary. Yes, other one. T’other one who now is as Iwas, Who hadn’t the excuse that I had. the cause of an eyesore when I couldn’t. eat a nuisance as 0 can help being In short the Duke of-——’ ‘* MupForD ! ” cried the two officials, thrilling with horror. “That is the person,” said the Statue. ‘‘ You have pulled me down, pull Aim up. You are making room on my site for hosts of flowers. Make room on his site for battalions of vegetables!” ‘‘ But surely, Duke, it would be slightly disrespectful,” ventured the Chief Commissioner, timidly, ‘‘ to take a sight——” ‘*No flippaney, Sir!” thundered the Iron Duke, who seemed to regard Mr. SHaw Lerevee as rather an interloper in the presence of Mr. Mitrorp. ‘* Why not go to Covent Garden and ask t’other one to do something. Insist upon it, Sir; insist uponit. Make a clean sweep of Srvaesute peel, cabbage-stalks, market garden baskets, slush, mud and ! Clear it out, Sir, clear it out! Nowadays sentiment goes for nothing, and there is not much sentiment in that neighbourhood. Pull down ee. Cause a market to be built on a site bounded on the North by Long Acre, and on the South by the Strand. Carry it East to Drury Lane, and leave the West alone —only on account of Sir CuristopHEr and his barn. Then, Sir, open the new building with an International Vegetable Exhibition. Splendid advertisement, which should give the improved market a grand start, and throw into the shade the fishy show at South Ken- sington! Come, Gentlemen, do your duty! Down with Muprorp and his market! Up, Guards of London, and at them !” The man of metal perfectly glowed with excitement. ‘** We will do our best,” returned the Chief Commissioner. met iy Grace, is there — g more we can do for you?” ** Well, yes,” replied the Duke, gazing at the coming dawn. must be brief with my remarks, as at daybreak I lose my voice. You can do for me an act of justice. But first shake hands.’ The officials respectfully clasped in turn the iron palm. “* Again I you. And now for my act of justice. When I am placed in my final site opposite the Horse Guards—which I hope will be soon P——”? “* Tt shall be soon,” assented the Chief Commissioner. , ‘*T should like to have another statue to balance me, as a vis-d-vis. This should be a statue of one of the greatest Warriors of the age.” ‘*To be sure,” murmured Mr.SHaw LeFevre; ‘‘ Lord WoLsELEY?” ‘*No, Sir, not Lord Wotsetey. Not only is this hero a great Warrior, but a great Judge, a great Artist, an eloquent Advocate.” ** He must mean FREDERICK LEIGHTON,” whispered MiTFoRD, en “ay You know the P.R.A. commands a battalion of Volun- ers. “*T do not mean Sir FrepERIcK, who has yet to learn what to do with a brush—with the enemy,” replied the Iron Duke. ‘‘ No, ** And “Ty The Statue at Large. Gentlemen, the illustrious individual to whom I allude is a personal friend of my own. It is to his exertions, extending over a long series of years, that I owe my present position. He insisted that I should be permitted to descend. He is the greatest man of this or mf other century. He is the hero of not a hundred but a thousand ghts. vag hg began to break, and the voice of the great Commander grew faint. ‘**He is the grandest Roman of them all. Need I say that I mean—I mean——” ; And then came daybreak, and the Duke was silent. The two officials looked at one another, and repeated, ‘‘‘ The —— man of this or any other century.’ Why, the Duke must ve meant”—— And they whispered the name of the most renowned a the world has ever known. And they were right— the Duke did mean Mr. Punch ! In last Saturday’s P. M. Gazette there is an account of how, oo ago, Mr. Dion Bovcicautr wrote and produced a Passion Play, self playing Pontius Pilate, bedad, Sorr! This sounds as if the Irish Dramatist had out-heroded Hérodiade.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (May 12, 1883, RVAIIVO “HO-Id-ud "AK THE NEW CRAZE. Provincial Manager (to Scion of Aristocracy, who has come to commence). ‘‘So, My LoRD, YOU'RE HERE AT LAST! WE'VE HAD THRE& REHEARSALS WITHOUT YOU, AND IT’S PRODUCED TO-MORROW. I SUPPOSE YOU'VE BEEN SIUDYING SINCE YOU'VE BEEN HERE?” Lord Plantagenet (pleasantly), *‘O#—aH—No, I'VE NOT BEGUN YET, THE Fact 1s”—(still more pleasantly)—‘‘I'’D NO IDEA THAT PLUMBOROUGH WAS SUCH A JOLLY Piace!” There are Clocks of all sorts and all sizes we know, “LOOK AT THE CLOCK!” And some are too fast, and some are too slow, And some go too quickly, and others won’t go. A Lay or THE Natiowat Liperat Crus. They licked Coantes THE Frrru, the great Monarch ; but oh! A little @ la Ingol The Political Clocks are the wildest of all, a AEP aa Aan eee Ont Mane the Grader New Club rT 1» or the Grandest an or the Grandest New Club. feet ee) eee a in a block) The Conservative Clock is too slow. But the rub pe, See ge me: ee aa is that Liberal Clocks will not go all together, “You sloweoach Reactionists, look at the Clock !”” Two Thousand co-feeders may seem well in tether. usand Rads : But just cast before them Contention’s big bone, Sow a the d Re of scp hy ge And you ’ll find that each clock keeps a dene of its own. Eta _— > heer Ah, me! the Great Orator’s self must now know Seashidnennmneten I oe 0 oe he = a drab The Conservative Clock’s not the only one slow. _ Till they looked like a Salis ont Plain of mat pam « a ot —— - re a ae om Fm + = gaa - . er, and all going right, There —_ Rads from the North, there were Rads from the Bat-the 9 rer} et 1°30, Bt. Stephen’s chime. 8 sat Fa All united and strong—in the matter of mouth. a rom ee eee oe son Soo Who were allof oe mingvas goncering he fou | A a eee eek Northcountryman ‘‘ jannock ’ from Tyne or from Humber ee ee re i C 17 Or Southron, as cool as fresh cut cucu: : memmmamenr es ner ria er SS So me ae rn st t ; yer ° ied oot hat + ar the anim “f P A ah ope og P nong lanes yt ye Sot ie, Sevag be Ane . : : Stung 10nao me Ladies, aloft, ey ane be veey, bry Drprr pam ios he Senet te po: nnylyorbige ye of ‘the es Toon of the Yet not in such cage as their sisters are eribb’d in Court,” which he presumed were hostelries patronised by Royalty. At stuck-up St. Stephen’s, ; _ But hold! “‘ Odds B and ‘* Evens,” os Deserting their tables, and leaving their grub, Exrracr from Mrs. Ramsbotham’s New Cookery Book :—‘‘I Crowd, cluster, and clamber en chair, stool, and tub. cannot too strongly recommend for household use the common The exuberant collar, the sparse silyer shock, Potiphar, without which, always on the fire, no French family Areup! Cries the Orator, “Loox at THe Crock!” exists.” [ “lI-HOU-HO HdI-GN-a TAOT TOS AIT PF) |

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* RYVAIIVO ‘HO-Id-ud "HK * "(cg 98adumay eys7 ,, 47/7) ‘$881 ‘SI AYA—IUVAINVHO NOGNOT AHL YO ‘HONOd “IT-HOU-HO Hd TI-aGN-a @ao0T °* 4 :; —Diapepes “y } Ninn ZN WN I Sabu | Nt TOS AT PF]

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— May 12, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 225 ———— ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, MP. House of Commons, Monday, April 30.—Think we know a man when we’ve had him with us daily through three Sessions. There’s RanDOLPH, for example. Anyone asked what sort of a man he was, would probably answer, ‘‘ Amusing, interesting, audacious, pert, but shallow.”” That shows danger of hasty judgment. To- night RanpoLpa presented himself in new character. Exceeded Arrogney-GENERAL in legal lore, Mr. GLapsrone in philosophical research, and Mr. Brerxsrorp Hope in ecclesiastical knowledge. Late Lord Macavutay nothing to him for world-wide erudition. Showed himself intimately acquainted with all Fathers known to scholars, and one over. This was OrY-GEN. d “Thought I knew ’em all,” the Premrer murmured, fixin admiring gaze on youth opposite; ‘‘ but who is this? Unearthe him from some ory-ginal source. Must look him up.” RanDOLPH’s triumph eclipsed, later, by that of JoszpH GILLIs, equally remarkable in its way. At midnight proposed to adjourn debate on Affirmation Bill. Conservatives objected. This makes refreshing change. Ordinary custom is to object to prolongation of Adjournment when Government want to goon for another hour or so. Now, under necessity of proceeding with Customs Bill, Minis- ters agree to adjourn early. J. B. asleep when fun commences. Generally gets an hour or two’s snooze about this time. ‘The question is, that debate be now adjourned.” The Conservatives, having had their little fling, desist from Opposition. Then JosEPH comes to the front, and takes natural position of Leader. Shouts out, “No!” Friends and countrymen near him attempt to stop him. Shake him, punch him in the ribs, shout expostulation in his ear. But Josepx only the more loudly cries ‘‘ No!” Sir ArTHuUR Orway thinks in circumstances he may declare Adjournment carried, and does so, simultaneously vanishing from Speaker's chair, where he has sat in the absence of Sir Henry Branp. Then storm bursts forth. Deputy-Speaker evidently made amistake. JosEPH GILLIS radiant, ARTHUR O’ConnoR argumenta- tive, Mr. O’DonNNELL sarcastic. Orway coming back, and doing penance. Either that or his head on a charger. After long wrangling, first alternative accepted. Deputy-Chairman explains mistake, expresses regret, and JosEPH @rixis soothed and triumphant, the more so as by this time it is too late to do any business. Business done.—None. Tuesday.—‘‘ I have been in this House, man and boy, for forty years, Topy,” Mr. NEWDEGATE said to me in the Library just now, where I found him looking up Lucretius; ‘‘and, though I say it what shouldn’t, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I’ve opposed most things that are now a part of the daily life of our constitu- tional system. One thing I have noticed is, that whenever a distinguished Member makes Latin quotations, there is for next fortnight or three weeks a run upon the Latin poets. Greek’s different. There’s only Grapstonz, and was Lowz, who could manage that. But if it’s a Latin tag, we’re sure to have a shower ofthem. Fact is, I was just looking up one myself.” This Pe med from Our Own JeremianH abundantly verified. Young Dawnay dawned upon the House this evening with quite a ection of Latin exercises, more or less well done. Mr. O’Don- NELL inspired new feeling of respect in bosom of JosrpH GrILuIs by trotting out a one lines. But the great success of the evening was Dr. Lyons. This eminent person, who combines prescription for the State with advice to private patients, bestowed much care 989 upon oration. * You needn’t mention it, Tony,” he said to me (and of course I won't), “* but I’ve spent three hours among old prescriptions looking up a few lines suitable for occasion. Rather think I shall fetch the House.” Unfortunately, no House to fetch. Members properly horrified at suggestion of curtailing the debate, but they won’t remain to ear it. Only five Members present when the Lyons’ oration delivered. Fine effect. The extracts from the prescriptions judi- ciously dropped in here and there. But plum saved for the last, and sympathetic cheers came from the five Members as Dr. Lyons with outstretched hand and voice tremulous with emotion, declaimed these magnificent lines— ‘* Magna est vis consuetudinis! Naturam expellas Furca, tamen usque recurret. Labor omnia vincit, Et litera scripta manet. In totidem verbis— Lex loci; lex scripta ; lex talionis; lex terra !’’ Pity Giapsrowe not present to hear this. Been away most part of night, like ordinary people. Towards midnight, ote pe a eertul evening, DkumMoND WoLFF came in. Very angry to find| be ters absent, Irishmen insist upon Sir ArTHUR| T “‘They ought,” he says, in voice that made Deputy Chairman tremble, ‘to be in their places to hear the arguments of Honour- able Members.” Feeble laugh from Radicals below Gangway. But probably no laughing matter. Drummoxp means to look up precedents, and see if he can’t impeach Ministers on this indictment. Business done.—None. Wednesday.—House of Commons continues to be model of busi- ness assembly. On Monday night debate on Affirmation Bill stopped at twelve o’clock in order to make progress with Customs Bill and other Orders. From twelve till two occupied in considering whether Bill should or should not be considered. At two o’clock thought it time to go home, and went. To-day, House should have met at twelve. Forty Members not forthcoming till ten minutes past one. Then Motion made that Committees sit to-morrow at two instead - twelve. Argument thereupon, and division, which took up an our. Shall get on nicely at this rate. Mr. Baicut says, in his leasant way, it’s all the Conservatives. ‘‘ Set of men, ToBy,” says e, 3 who profess to worship God, and desire to worry the Govern- ment, Business done.—London Parochial Charities Bill read a Second Time, and referred to Select Committee on distinct understanding that there shall be no hurry about considering it. Friday, 2 a.m.—Met Lord Henny Lennox crossing Lobby after Division, holding right hand out as if it didn’t belong to him, and was omens it off to drop it over the Terrace into the river, or in other safe place. ‘* What’s the matter, my dear Henry? Cut your finger?” ‘No demmit,” said Lord Henry, looking at offending member with comicalest expression. ‘‘It’s that fellow Cazzan, doncha. Happened to be standing near him at Bar when figures announced. Most extro’nary man. First of all jumped up into air as if dyna- mite had exploded in unintended quarter, then seized hold of me, and insisted upon shaking hands. Not pleasant, doncha, especially as didn’t happen to have a glove on. Shall be more careful in future. Always wear gloves when any chance of Government being defeated with help of Irish vote. Never know what’ll happen. Ta al ad ust going over to lavatory, doncha. Suppose it isn’t closed. yet And Lord Henry still holding out his hand as if he’d vege it up somewhere, and wasn’t quite sure it wouldn’t go off, ambled off. Glad this Debate is finished on any terms. Been deadly dull, but epression. flare-up in last moments made al, for fortnight of e Biggest House in my time, and maddest. Kensuveron in first. Been telling in Ministerial Lobby. Plain to see from his face that Government had lost. 2 oever scores three hundred will win,” RicHarp Power said before dinner, and I find no man who takes sounder view of chances than Ricwarp. Resigned office of Whip fortnight ago, but is himself again to-night in prospect of big Division. : Tellers from other lobby still tarried. Every minute should mean half-a-dozen votes, and for nearly three minutes Mr. Mirman stand- ing at the end of table with figures of the Opposition waiting for night or Lord Ricoarp Grosvenor. The last arrived first, handed in his ehecks, and bore away slowly to the right. Then the Con- servatives and the Irish knew they’d won. Fell on each other’s necks; bellowed in each other’s ears; waved hats and handker- chiefs ; and seemed on the whole gone mad. It was then Mr. CaLLan leaped into the air, and coming safely down, insisted upon shaking hands with Lord Henry Lennox, whose responsive smile was some- thing memorable. . , Business done.—Affirmation Bill thrown out by 292 votes against Friday Night.—Never saw — 4 Arms in such low spirits. Generally the cheeriest of men. To-night, met him walking slowly off to dinner. ‘Nice state of things this, Tosy, dear boy,” he said, in hollow tones. ‘‘ Here’s BRaDLAUGH comes up, stops at the Bar, delivers a speech, walks away quietly, no hands across, and up the middle to the Mace. No struggle on the floor of the House, no battering of hats, tearing of coats, and breakage of stylographic pens. No more good old times. Don’t care how soon I go now, if things are to be sneaked through in this way ;” and, with a profound sigh, that once Gay Old Warrior marched on. ’ . 5p enh done.—Mr, BRapLavGH provided with splendid oppor- tunity of advertising himself and his works. Poor Brother BrusH! His pieture was hung right away up at the top. On Varnishing Day he thought it had seated entirely. Bu having ‘mounted loftiest ladder in the room, he found it, s gan touching it up. He said that the “ile * he used on this ' occasion was the “‘ile of Skye.”

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226 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [May 12, 1883, THE AFFIRMATION DEBATE| pyNcH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 135. IN A NUTSHELL. F rast to rise is “Truthful Jams,” Stating Ministerial aims. Next the House with dulness drenches One who speaks from the ‘‘ Cross benches.” Then emphatic Mr. IntmsewortH Adds of reasoning a poor shilling- worth, And by jibes that scathe and burn Shows that even a Worms will turn! : Soon the veteran G. O. M. Tries the twaddle-tide to stem, Quoting—to make matters wuss— VoutarrE and Lucretius. Then the doughty Mr. Grsson Showers buffets BrapLavucH’s ribs on ; And Lord R., without apology, Joins bad law to worse theology ; Proving, by his modest merits, That the ‘* mantle” he inherits Of the boys who, so to speak, Gave the bald-head Prophet ** cheek.” Follows next the scranneling f Northampton’s “second string.” STANHOPE wiles an hour away Saying, pe Here’s nothing left to 82 y: CHAPLIN airs his erudition, And O'Brien talks sedition. Nortucors fires his parting gun, Answered by Lord Hartrneton. End is—Cabinet is beat, BraDLAveH cannot take his seat. Mrs. RamspoTHaM understands the Bradlaugh business perfectly. She says that she herself has some Fg | with him, as she always SIR JAMES T. INGHAM, ds a difficulty in saying the — Creed in the Prayer Tae Eacte Beak oF Bow Srreer. TION.—The Tipple Alliance. DUTIES TO DUMB ANIMALS, Dr. Lyon Puayrarr, in the House of Commons, once pro- claimed that ‘‘Man’s Daty to Man is greater than his duty to beasts.” Certainly, says every carnivorous (if rational) human creature. my duty towards my beast were equal to my duty towards my neighbour, I could eat no beef, or any other butcher’s meat, or poulterer’s meat, or tish- monger’s meat either. I could not a party to the slaughter of any kind of animal for my food. I should have a duty towards my pig, and be bound to do to him as I would be done by ; but sometimes, in playful earnest, I give my neighbour “‘a regular roasting.” So would I treat my pig. LOCAL OPTION. ‘* Locat Option,” yes, its meaning Is indubitably clear ; If a man has any leaning For a tankard of cool beer, After any arduous labours, He ’ll be rudely told to drop it By his sour Teetotal neighbours : Local Option’s sure to stop it. You may wish in moderation, Claret, sherry, or champagne. If the folks in your “‘ location” Choose it, why you must abstain. With Teetotal ‘‘ fads” we’re bitten, , This tyrannic law’s adoption Would make slaves of every Briton, That’s what’s meant by Local Option. NAME FOR THE LICENSED VicTuALLERS’ Derence Associa- THE NIGHT OF WATERLOO (PLACE). (Extract from ‘* Childe Masher’s Pilgrimage.”) THERE is a sound of devilry by night And England’s capital has gathered then _ Her weakness and her wantonness, and bright The lamps shine o’er rouged women and pale men ; A thousand hearts beat feverishly, and when There saunters by the slim stiff-collar’d ‘‘ Swell,” Hard eyes look venal love on him whose brain Is dry and void as an old walnut-shell. But hush! hark! a big boom sounds like a sudden knell. Did you not hear it ? No, ’twas but the wind, Or the swift Hansom rattling down the street. On with the orgie! Late? Oh, never mind. ** We won’t ome till morning.” Life is fleet, And happy rhymes with ‘‘ Chappie.” Ah, that’s neat! But hark! that booming sound breaks in once more, And the colossal ‘‘ chuckers-out ” repeat ‘* All out! all out!” and point towards the door. All out! Twelve-thirty. Yes. By Jove, a beastly bore! -_ = 7 — pubes to and fro, satyr laughter, harpy eagerness ; And cheeks are coo! which one short year before Had blushed at -_ of loud lasciviousness. And there are sudden whispers in the press, Sinister signs, and laug ing low replies Which may not be re ; all may guess The evil meaning of those mutual eyes. Upon so curst a night what hideous morn shall rise ? And there is mounting in hot haste, the steed, The obsequious driver, and the ‘‘ two-wheel-ar gt Go sre Sears with impetuous speed ; And cads -drunken close in wordy war, And the deep-throated ‘‘ Peeler” sends afar His “‘ Pass along, please!” and the hiss and hum Die slowly out, till the last Swell’s cigar Trails off, and home to den in square or slum, Low cursing through red lips, slink Babylon’s Kahab scum. Authority looks on, and calmly leaves e open orgie, the nocturnal mass Of flaunted profligacy. VIVIEN weaves Her spells right well or MERLIN is—an ass ; Butt the most patient ox that e’er munched grass. Such shameless scenes what other cities show ? Would Dogberry and Verges have let pass Such saturnalia of the social foe Whose breath so many hopes hath blasted and laid low? . * * * * * SeNor SarasaTg, the violinist, has been a brilliant success— thanks to his relations with his musical Cusins—the Eng- lish Cusins, not Cusins German. At firat great interest was aroused from the pronunciation of the name. People heard that Sara Sarry was going to play the violin, and got their ideas mixed up on the subject, confusing Sana BERNHARDT and CaRLYLE’s Sartor Resartus, which ae for aught most of them knew, might have been an oratorio, a fiddler, or the Latin for Hashed Venison. Wuen does a Musician go in for a game of chance ?—When he plays Bacu. | EP FRED. Fe... 8s a BS.,8 Fe

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————— May 12, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VARNISHING DAY. The First Man I met on the Stairs— * How ’p0? ‘'PoN MY WORD IT's THE BésT EXaiBITION I FVER —Yor LL BE DRLIGHTED! OH8—MINE ARE ALL ON THE LINE IN THE Fisst Room!” ROYAL ACADEMY. The Second Man I met on the Stairs— ‘Of ALL THE COLLECTIONS OF MiseRraB_E (&0., &c ) Davss THAT EVER—— Hune ?—ConFounp !—(ko., &c,)—THEY VE SKYED Mg, Sm!” A HANDBOOK OF KNOWLEDGE. No. X.—THE HAIRDRESSER. Q. What is a Hairdresser ? A, A compendious proof of the imperfection of Nature and of the inadequacy of Art. Q. Is not that answer more oracular than intelligible ? A, Possibly. A reply at once clear and concise cannot, in the nature of things, be given. The subject is one to be approached rather by description than by definition ; to be dealt with, like a heavy dinner or a large army, rather in detail than en dloc. _ Q. Why, then, do you consider Hairdressers to be evidence of the imperfection of Nature ? A, Were Nature, in the human sphere, perfect, our hair would not require cutting any more than the coat of adog. On the other d, were Art equal to supplying the deficiencies of Nature, it would long since have devised some means of divesting us of our superfluous hirsute growth other than that ordeal of hideously unpleasant processes suggested by the wary name of Hairdresser. Q. Is there not some exaggeration here A, The tortures of tonsure are incapable of exaggeration. _Q. Perhaps you will proceed to justify these sweeping assertions a little in detail. A, The processes of the Hairdresser’s art are, from beginning to end, necessarily destructive of those two things which alone render life endurable. Q. What are these ? A, First, the feeling of Comfort ; secondly, the sense of Dignity. The profoundly sensible ideal ‘‘otium cum dignitate” is abso- ly incompatible with the actuality of being shaven or shorn—at as men from time immemorial have submitted to be shorn or ven. he - the sense of dignity departs from the victim on the ve threshold of the Melaisennn’s entry. Human courage—nay, pom far stronger thing, human assurance in its highest flight—is not equal to the task of walking into a Hairdresser’s “saloon” with the calm and unfeigned confidence with which a man may— for example— approach a battery, or pass through a pest-house. Q. Why should this be so? A. The sense of impending humiliation is so strong upon him. It springs into birth at the first disquieting thought ‘*‘ My hair wants cutting!’’ It doubles in force when—after long delay—he is forced to the conviction, ‘‘I must have my hair cut!” It is at its crisis when, with furtive slink or self-betraying swagger, he enters the tonsorial torture-chamber. After crossing that Rubicon of ignominy, it continues, but it cannot increase. It is perhaps even lessened by the dull callousness that comes of self-surrender to shame. Q. How is this sense of humiliation engendered ? A. By experience of two things :— 1. The character of the Hairdresser. 2. The nature of the professional ‘‘ processes.” Q. What are the characteristics of the Hairdresser ? A. Those naturally produced in a man who has your personal comfort and dignity at his mercy, and your ear, as a channel to your pocket, absolutely at his command. Q. Absolutely, did you say ? ( A. Practically so. You may leave a theatre, or even, in emer- ency a church. You may tear yourself away from a button-holding ore, or a nagging woman. But you cannot escape from a barber’s chair. Once seated and swathed therein, once snipped by shears or scraped by pete are committed to endurance of all the personal indignities, and all the mental tortures that the most blandly im- pertinent, ignorantly loquacious, and intrusively ‘‘ pushing’’ Hair- dresser can inflict. And these are many and sore, (To be continued, ) More Judges required. We don’t want to hear so much of Chancery Division as of Chancery Multiplication. Morro FoR THE NationaL LiseRat Cius.—* Pommery soit qui mal y pense.” ‘*Rrepon’s DECLINE AND Fatt.”’—A tipsy Teetotaller.

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228 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 12, 1883,

———____

CHESS; OR, ALL ON THE SQUARE. “There ’s many a true word said in chess.”"— The Merry Dutch-Chess. At this moment, when the Chess Tournament is tournamenting so many minds, we publish our Prize Problem, involving a Romance of Chess,—in fact ‘‘the same old game ” :— UY, | yp Cilla

Ws 7 Won F 2 @ Mie i fe 7 77 Te Brack To Mats WHITE IN ONE Move, IF WHITE LETS HIM. K’s first move. K pawns (five pieces). K with K T move from B. sq. (No. 29). K with K T at Q. K takes B and S. K T with K to Castle. Forced-mate ; White-mate; Black-mate, K executes a Steinway Gambit with K T, to a Giuco Piano, K offers to mate K T. K T takes K. K T mated by White Bishop to K at ch., and K is kept in perpetual check ever afterwards,

RESEARCH WITH HUMANITY. Waar could the excellent Earl of SHarrespury, speaking ex cathedré at the last Anti-Vivisection Meeting, have meant when he told his hearers that ‘‘ they did not find in the Bible any authority whatever for that hideous curiosity which prevailed so widely in Germany, and, he believed, to a very great extent in this country ” ; and what did they understand the noble and venerable Earl to mean when they received that declaration with shouts of ‘‘ hear! hear!” ? They could hardly have wanted to be told that the Bible contains no authority for any curiosity at all, as such, to say nothing about curiosity of a hideous nature. What sort of curiosity is it that go Lord SHAFTESBURY detests so extremely that he calls it hideous? Is it the sort of curiosity which yrouated JoHN Hunter to make those experiments and observations that led to so many improvements an advances not only in Anatomy and Physiology but in practical Surgery ; the curiosity which likewise moved Sir CHartEs BELL to investigate the nervous system, and, for example, to discover the distinct origins and connections of the sensory and motor nerves? Is the curiosity of wanting to know the secrets of animal life, with a view to the promotion of medical and surgical practice, ‘‘ hideous ”’ in the sight of a Nobleman who, celebrated as a friend of his species, may be presumed to be a friend of his own species first, and the lower creatures after ? Somebody tell the Earl of SHarrespury, as to Sir CoaRtes BELL’s great discovery respecting the nerves, that it ‘‘ required an extensive series of experiments on living animals which long deterred him from wane them into execution.” This, however, he was at length enabled to do through having invented ‘‘ humane methods of wage eT for the gratification of a curiosity which surely no one ut someone with such a very fixed idea, or fad, as Vivisection on the Brain can possibly account hideous. Given humane methods of p: ure, and is scientific Vivisection any more cruel than Vivisection as ised in killing a pig? We do, as a nation, kill a good many pigs daily; but the Doctors may really say :—‘* We don’t kill a guinea-pig every oy ;. or, if we do, we kill him by a comparatively very humane method of procedure.”

New Boorporish ror MasHErs.—‘' Mashtic Varnish.” od | harm—in —<—<—<—_—_—_ THE MUSICIAN OF THE FUTURE, (Zittle Tragi-Comedy, now in Active Rehearsal.) “The Royal College, in developing the musical genius of the country, will do a great work ; but its establishment at once directs public attention to a supplementary and wy less pressing need, and that is the foundation of a permanent lestospeliten ome for National Opera.”—Daily Paper. ACT I. A Public Street in the neighbourhood of the Royal College of Music, Enter Victorious Composition Scholarship Candidate, accompa- nied by Fond Parent and enthusiastic Friends. Fond Parent (embracing him). Heaven be praised, my dear boy, for this successful issue! Strange that a Bathing-Machine Driver's child should suddenly have lighted on such a glorious future ! Victorious Candidate. It is, my good father, most strange. But, thanks to your discrimination, and to your noticing the peculiar fact that, even at the tender a of three, 1 could pick out one of Bacn’s fugues on the kitchen tumblers with a coal-hammer, I was despatched in good time to this glorious Institution, where now £150 per annum, ’ ing, a suit of clothes, and instruction, stimulate my =. and make me worthy to bear the promising name of Wagner oNIzETTI SmitH with which you, in my infancy, so judiciously and appropriately christened me. Fond Parent. True, my clever modern Orpheus! However, now you may indeed, as you say, be worthy of your modest name. And I shall live to see not oon P ey first but your twentieth Opera take this vast Metropolis literally by storm. Enthusiastic Friends, And so shall we! Heaven bless you! Only send us plenty of paper for the Upper Boxes, and we will rally to — you, we geen you, right heartily. Three cheers for the College and for the triumphant genius it is about to foster. Hip! hip! hip! hurrah! [They chair the Successful Candidate, making way for five-and- Sorty others, equally successful, who also emerge in triumph From the College as the Act-drop falls. ACT II. An interval of seventy-five years ts supposed to have elapsed since Act I, The Scene represents the Interior of a Police-Court., As the Act- drop rises, an Aged Offender is helped into the Dock. Magistrate (angrily). What! here again! And on the old charge, I suppose, Mr.—what’s your name ? . Aged Offender (breaking down). SmiTH, your Worship! Wacyer Donizetti SMITH. Chief Clerk. The usual thing—begging. He has been up over and over again. And he’s not the only one. We have had twenty-seven of them this last week. x 7 Magistrate. Yes, I know the nuisance is getting intolerable: and I must make anexample. Fortunately, the ‘‘ Indigent Com- posers Act,”’ passed last Session, enables me to do it with effect. [Refers to tt. Aged Offender (in tears). Have pity. Sir, on a poor, worn-out, deluded, disappointed, despairing old Musician. I didn’t mean any deed, I didn’t. was only trying to sell a few of these about the streets, and singing some of my own scenas to help ’em off. (Produces nineteen original English operas, with orchestra scores q| complete.) But nobody will have ’em! Magistrate (irritated), Certainly not, Sir. Who do you think is going to take an English opera when there’s no house at which to produce it? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Sir, at your time of life, for writing them. Aged Offender. At my time of life! Why, I’m only two-and- ninety. 1 may still have my chance !—still have my chance! The Clerk, That’s what they allsay. The College turns out a lot of them, every blessed year, able to do nothing e but music; and as there’s nothing but the Chinese Opera House on the Em- bankment for them, they’reno good; so they wander about in shoals and starve. Why, there were three hundred of ’em off by the Emigration Commissioners only last month. agistrate. Well. It is avery bad case. Really the College ——* to do this. However, Society must be protected. Six months. ; Aged Offender. Thank your Worship. Thank you. But it isn’t the fault of the College. And many years ago there was one praiseworthy effort, I know, to help us. But if the Government or somebody had only started a proper National — in the heart of London ona sound and permanent basis, an English dramatic composer need never have come to this. No, he never need. istrate (more kindly). Very likely not. But, as I said just now, Society maust be protected. And now, I’ll take tho next case. [Aged der #8 7 d, to be brought up again on a

g' 5 charge that day six months as Curtain falls. —

és TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by a Etamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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May 19, 1883.] CHARIVARL 229 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON AN IMPRESSIONIST. BINKS ALWAYS WEARS BLACK GLOVES FOR THE SAKE OF Economy, MRS. GAMP ON THE “ROYAL RED CROSS.” Deary me, Bersy Pata, times ts altered ; as alter times will, in a wale, Which sich ‘*‘ projiss ” is too much for me, as am old though still ’arty and ’ale, As I says to my friend Mrs. Harris, we used, you and me, dear, to nuss Long afore that Miss NigHTINGALr’s days, but no Queens didn’t decorage us. The Royal Red Cross! Goodnidge gragious! it took all my breath away, slap. As is all very well for a sojer or ’igh milingtarial chap. Bat Nusses! Lor’ bless us and save us, our buzzums I’m sure should expand To see our profegion so honoured along o’ the fust in the land. Wich I read it last night in the Standard, a paper to wich I am partial, ross, my dear soul, and a ribbing. as grand as some dook or field-marshal, Enamelled in gold and in crimsing, Her Majesty’s portrick, you know, With cipher and crown all permiskus, and tied on the breast with a bow. Ah, Betsy, it’s plain we was born, you and me, arf a centry too soon ; If we two ’ad bin nussing to-day we ’d ’a piped to a different toon. Wich the worrits of monthlying, Betsy, was wus than the wust that’s beknown To the ’orty young orspittle chits as ’ll claim this ’ere cross as their own. Wich ‘‘ Faith, Hope, and Charity” ’s writ on the arms, so they say. Ah, my ear, We needed the three on ’em constant, and suthing chucked in, in our speer. ot with wile aggerawacious pashents and mississes given to scold, @ two ’ad our crosses, ah, yes! though they wasn’t in crimsing and gold. Then Nusses toas Nusses ;. not bragi im, tidi its.o’ thi 8 28 5 gian, trim, tidied-up young bits.o’ things. We took to it nateral-like, as the young sparrers takes to their wings ; e ’adn’t no “training”? nor “stifficates,’ Betsy; we knowed what we owed, And the rest wasn’t nothink to nobody. ‘“‘ Projiss,”” my dear? that be blowed! It’s drattedness, that’s wot it is. Wot with skience and sanitry stuff, eir soaps, Conpy’s fluiges, Cloryform, ‘orror of darknige and fluff, There can’t be no cumfort in nussing ; sech ways I could never abear, : ; So it’s well we are out of it, Betsy; it’s well we’re clean out of it, dear. Nussing Sisters, forsooth! Nussing fiddlesticks! Stuck- uppy, slim-waisted gals, id POE As a cotting umbrella would shock, with their natty print gownds and fal-lals. No snuff, and no snacks, and no snugness! Jest fancy, my dear, me or you With a chit o’ that sort for a pardner! ereetur, wot should we do? And they ’re to’ave crosses, and ribbings, and bows, and gragious knows wot, _ Wich we never get none of no sich, my Bersy, oh, suttingly not. My sweet || The profegion seems turned topsyturvey, and every- think ’s going contrairey, 2) v\| As —* called ‘* projiss,”? my dear, but seems all stuff NOCTES AMBROSIAN 2. Fottowine the example set by some of our contem- poraries last week, we hasten in their own style to give the itersiies historical particulars of the latest Knights on record :— Mr. Groner Grove, D.C.L., was born at a place com- monly known as Clapham. He constructed the Chester and Holyhead Railway with the assistance of Mr. StEPHENSON, directed the entertainments at the Crystal Palace, hence his degree of D.C.L.—‘‘L.” standing for Palace,—wrote a dictionary of Musicians from A to Z,. and while exploring ae and inventing the soup which still bears t name, he occupied his leisure in editing Macmillan’s Magazine and revising the Old Testament. He sings three songs in excellent style, and, in order to encom him to add to their number, he been made President of the Royal College of Music, where his various crotehets will comein usefully, and is now Sir Groner Grove the Good Knight. Mr. GreorcE ALEXANDER MacraRReEn, chosen for the honour of Knighthood, selected London for the place of is birth, and was reared on Macfarrenacious food. He was educated at the Royal Academy of Music, com- Fox ad __ excellent work. He may prefer to be a Knight Out. Dr. AntHUR SULLIVAN (according to the D. 7.) was not born at all to begin with, but returned to England about nineteen years after. He has written the oratorios of Box and Cox, Trial by Jury, Patience, Pinafore, &c., but it is with compositions of a loftier character that his name will be linked. He played Poker with the Vice- Chancellor of Cambridge, and com The Silver Trumpington Street March, for which he was made D.C.L. and M.D. His hymn to the Trustees of the Doughty Estates, commencing ‘ If hty Deeds,” was highly popular with the ‘‘Gentlemen of the long robe”? who used to sing it as a catch, three in a (Chancery) Bar. He is still a Bachelor of Music, though wedded to his Art. Rise, Sir AnTHUR! MAY-DAY. (A Dirge for any Number of Voices.) Sprine’s delights are now reviving, Hoar-frost hangs on each green spray ; Horrid fogs are late arriving, Welcome fires, ’tis nip-nose May! Out-door pastimes need op Bs Hail is falling chill and drear, Cricketers their woes siecle ‘* Maiden overs’’ view with fear. Chorus—Cricketers, &c. These delights that mark the season Make a man of poets tire ; These chill hours, if spent with reason, Should be spent beside the fire. _ Come, then, watery ‘‘ creases” leaving, From the damp grass turn away ; For East winds our hopes deceiving, Make us curse this beastly May ! Chorus—Come, then, &c. x

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 19, 1883, Wily il TI il a ul (SHAM MOST ASSURING. Brown (who is nervous about sanitary matters, and detects something). ‘* Hum ”—(sniffs)— SURELY—THIS SYSTEM OF YOURS—THESE PIPES NOW—DO THEY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUB Marin Drain?” Hairdresser (with cheery gusto). **‘ Dinzot, Sm!” [ Tableau, OPENING OF THE NEW FISH-MARKET. I rHovent how much the old Corperation was in ernest in pretending to build a new Fish Market in Smithfield in —- to blooming Billingsgate. As I said to Jim, the Whitechapel Coster, was it likely as they would go for to oppose their own old Tennants who was a-paying on ’em pence a foot a week, in order to ge a lot of new ’uns who was only to pay tuppence? Why, of course the thing was absurd, and I quite agrees with the Lorp Mayor that nobody but a stupid could believe it, so I s as he saw through it from the beginning. But I did think as they ’d have done a little summat more than they did, just to set the pot a-boiling, if they didn’t mean to keep it going for long. But lor bless us, it was just a lark! About eleven o’Clock in drives the Lonp Mayor in Coach and 4 and the 2 Shereffs with him, and one Under Shereff, as a Policeman told me, tho’ they all looked much alike, except as the Under-un had the biggest Coach, with 2 policemen and the City Field Marshall in front of him, and with the 2 swells in the Coach with him to carry his sword and his septer, and there he finds a lot of common counsellers all a-waiting for him to open the New Fish Market, which had been opened ever since 4 o'clock! And how many shops full of fish and how many stands fall of fish did he find there? Why, of course I hardly expects to be beleeved, but I’m gormed if there was more than six of one and half-a-dozen of the other. I think as I’ve heard that at dirty, scrowged, swearing and tearing, but yet jolly old Billingsgate, that we generally gets between four and five hundred tons of fish a day. Well, I think I can give about as good a guess at the weight of a lot of fish as many people, and if there was a nounce more than Five Tons, blowed if [ wouldn’t bind myself to live on fish for a Ag ge a = "sa ee of food as on’t much patronise, preferring cho; and steaks and such like. - The poor Lorp Mayor looked I thought rather ashamed of the whole affair. He didn’t = | much, how could he after he had called all the Committee a lot of stupids, and they all looked grumpy and down in the mouth, and all got away as quick as they could, not one of ’em as I believe even so much as buying a bit of fish just to give the new Market a bit of a start. There was several of our jolly old Billingsgate boys a grinning away like mad to see what a reglar Sham the whole thing was. Old JACK BENNETT, as we calls him, was there of course, he’s always everywhere I’m told wherever two or three hundred ple are gathered together. My friend the Police- man told me as he lost a beautiful watch last week at some meeting, while he was chatting with the Archbishop of Can- TERBURY, and that he has offered 20 Guineas reward for it, and Bobby added with a grin as it would be about the best advertisement as he had ever sent out. Of course I don’t know what he means. Well, presently the Lorp Mayor and the Sheriffs and the Under Sheriff and the Common Councillors they all stands in a row and Sir Joun Bennett he goes and puts himself right in front of ’em all, and sure enough they was all photograffed and then away they all went. But lor to think of the difference of what it was when they opened blooming Billings- gate after rebuilding it some few years ago! There wasn’t even a flag or a band of music or a blue silk Common Counsellor there on Thursday, and if it hadn’t been for jolly Sir Joun who was all over the place, there wouldn’t have been a single bit of fun in the whole dreary business. Ah! I always said as they ’d find our Billingsgate boys rather a hard nut to crack, ‘‘They’ve got the Men, they ’ve got the Fish, they’ve got the Money too!” Our only fear is that the public are not uite such fools as some people think they are; and if once they find that they can come to this nice, clean, tidy-looking Market, without getting all their clothes spoilt, and without hearing any of our powerful, but rather fishy lan , without being shoved about all over the place, and can buy their fish pretty rea- sonable, praps things won't be quite 80 comfortable like as they have been for many years re for the Billingsgate Salesmen, the Billingsgate Bummaree, or for such as me and my palls, Joz Mucarns, Stewormna Tua, a charming and most graceful violinist, has made a su début this Season. Sir AntHur SULLI- VAN at once pronounced his opinion that StenwoRrNa Tua was a wunner; but Madame N antes NERUDA o— indlined te — pare the young y's style wi own, and observed that there was ‘all the difference between Mea and Tva.” .

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Ny { HW a\\ ( \ ah 2 bis . ‘ Ss) H ) } ViAY = h » A vay ENS i S H.R.H,. ARION PLAYING THE SCALES TO THE FISHES. wt | 6 <_ a = i Ss) Z ) 2 S 4 fa = -a ° a3] Oo 5 Ay OUR ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC AND INTERNATIONAL FISHERIES COMBINATION CARTOON.

May 19, 1883.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 19, 1883, FEDORA ON THE “ TAPPY.” A BernHArpt-BrERE oR HALF-AND-HatF CHRONICLE. M. Sarpov’s Fedora, carefully transferred from French to English by Mr. Hermann Merrvate, has been produced, as all the London Theatre-going world knows, at the Haymarket Theatre. Mr.and Mrs. Bancrort, having confidence in the Victorious Sarpov, purchased the acting-right of Fedora, and had then to discover an English equivalent for SARA BERNHARDT, Fedora’s original representative, for whom, and for whose eccentric idiosyncrasies the part was written. The Haymarket Management pitched on Mrs. Bernard Beene for their Fedora, and we are bound to say that, judging from her first night’s performance, this Lady has thoroughly justified the confidence laced in her by the Bancrofters, who in the Rrst instance may have selected her on account of a certain vague facial resemblance to Sara, mainly due to the touzled fashion of hair, so that they may be said to have been taken by that refreshing mug of Beere. Fedora is a translatable, but unadaptable play, for Fedora adapted would cease to be the Fedora created by Saxpov, and vivified by Sara BERNHARDT, in whose hands Sarpov’s creation became a living, moving—very moving —creature, endowed with all the Sara-Bern- hardtian gifts, graces, tricks, and manners. Whether Fedora had to be transferred to the American, English, Dutch, or German Stage, it was absolutely necessary, in order to insure the’ same success already achieved at Paris, to procure an Actress who was willing to allow herself to be prepared, as is the photographer’s plate, to receive an exact impression, and reproduce a true portrait of the great original. An Actress so constituted was found in Mrs. BreRNARD BEErz, henceforward to be known as Mrs, Sara-Bern- HARDT-BEkERE, who, as Sara cannot learn sufficient English to play Fedora herself in London, becomes her substitute at the Haymarket, where we had the pleasure of applauding every pint of Beere, and “chalaking ”’ it up to her account, Those who have never seen Sara will nay be quite satisfied with the excellent imitation which Mrs. Sana-BrRNHARDT-BEERE, by close study, thorough appreciation, and earnest work has been able to give. Appearance, to a certain extent, is in her favour: voice, style, and want of experience are against her. Had we our- selves never seen SaRa’s ‘performance in this or in anything at all, we fancy we should have recognised in Mrs. 8. B. Bernn’s renderin of Fedora a struggle between Nature and Art, which had resulte in a temporary compromise. A deep-toned masculine voice is not ** an excellent thing in — and inability to modulate it or to infuse into it the true tone of pathos, must produce a monotonous effect ; while pupetnet restlessness, unreasonable and inexplicable changes of attitude (for which the audience has not been prepared by any description of the Princess Fedora’s characteristics previous to the Second Act) weary the spectator, and distract his attention from whatever the real serious interest of the situation may be at the moment. Sara can do all this perfectly : like the dogs that “delight to bark and bite,”’ it is “‘ her nature to.” But though Beer is associated with hops, Mrs. BEERE ie not at home in skips and jumps, which seem rather the re- sult of unoiled mechanism than of natural impulse. Act IV. Beere rather Flat. Were we seeing Mrs. Sana-BERNHARDT-BEERE for the first time in our lives when she was —— we should have said this Lady is fashioned by Nature to an exceptionally powerful Lady Macbeth : she is masculine, commanding, deep-toned, tall, hard; she has not any of the tenderness occasionally evinced in the purring manner of the feline Fedora, but she has all the charac- teristics of the Thane of Cawdor’s wife. 3 Revenge is the key-note of the play, which is unrelieved by any display of passionate love, or strong motive of generous self-sacrifice. There is in it no honest, wholesome love-interest ; for though Zorts and Fedora become lovers, yet, as presented by Mrs. Sana Bern- HARDT-BEERE, and Mr, CoGHLaN, we may well exclaim, sure such a pair were never seen so totally unfit to meet by Nature, except they come together for a jolly row. is, a8 played, or walked through, by Mr. Cocuiay, on the first night—(he has ‘‘not been the same man since,” but has considerably improved the perf rather Beere drawn with a Head. ‘ormance)— appeared to be bored, and, we own, very naturally so, by the gushing Russian Lady who so flops, and falls, and bumps, and bounces, and clin and pulls, and hauls; and who, regardless of the proper uses 9; furniture, perches herself on the sofa- back, tucks herself up on a chair, and is so badly brought up—(she is a Prin- cess, don’t you know, poor thing!) —as to be perpetu- ally putting her elbows on the table, and appa- rently sitting on one leg and show- ing one foot, that we wonder poor bewildered, quiet \, Loris does not ex- claim, ‘*My dear creature, do sit still for one min- oe ute! Do remem- Army Evolutions (Mrs. B. B.) and Reserved Force ber that you are (Mr. C. Coghlan). not the diapha- ‘ _ nous, lithe, electric belle, Sana, and it doesn’t suit you, you know—it really doesn’t!” Though Mr. CoGHian is worth two of Pierre Berton, yet, as Fedora’s lover, who has to make it, as Mr. JoHN CLayTon would say, ‘* All for her,” a copy of PrerrE Berton was really required as a companion picture to the copy of SaraH BERNHARDT. Now, take Mrs. Bancrorr as Countess Olga. Was it possible for this inimitable Actress to be anything but original? Her originality is herself; and she would have refused point blank to copy the French Actress who was the lively original of Countess Olga. She plays, as she dresses the part, in a wonderful manner, and is an amusing but really use- less personage. Again, Mr. Ban- crorr did not thinkit necessary to reproduce the individualities of the French Actor who played Jean de Sirtex, Fedo- ra’s confidential friend and chorus, but quite unre- cognisable in his wonderful‘ make- up,’ he seemed to be somebody else giving a clever | imitation of Mr, BaxcroFr. Miss JULIA GwyrxnzE, late of the Electric Sa- voy Light-headed Corps, shone as Dmitri, the pic- turesque Page-boy, or Russian Buttons. ; Mr. BRrooKFIRLD seemed to be speaking excellent Russian as the Comic Detective Gretch, whose appearance would attract a crowd of little boys in any thoroughfare ; Mr. Frrzparrick—bedad, Sorr—was quite at home as a guest, and Mr. SmepLEy as M. Rouvel appeared as a Haymarket pe Oo playing with ease and elegance. The iece altogether is placed on the stage in such a style as leaves the arisian mise-en-scéne nowhere. It has beena plucky venture on the part of Jean pr Strrex BAnxKRoFF to invest in) Russians; 10 expense, trouble, or pains has been spared; and as a great curiosity has been aroused by its Parisian reputation, all London will go and see it; and that will be a good enough result for some time to come. As for;the play itself, the First Act is a long way the best, depending on the melodramatic interest of the situations and the general excel- lence of the ensemble. Here too Mrs. BrERE is at her best when she exclaims, ‘“ Take him then, you are bound to doso!” There is not another line in the piece suits her so well as this. The plot will not ‘ten minutes’ calm consideration: probability has been recklessly sacrificed to the necessity of inventing situationsfor Sana BERNHARDT. The situations, consequently, are effective, the piece ineffective. New Boox.—Black Draught in Books, By the Author of Physics in Pictures, JN dir I. X. imitating Mr. Bancroft. Countess Olga (Mrs. Ban- croft), a most engaging person.

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Mar 19, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 233 GLEANINGS FROM THE PAPERS. Scene—Intertor of a First-Class Railway Carriage on a Suburban Tine. Dramatis Prrsona—Brown and Jones, who have hurriedly glanced through their respective journals. Brown. Not very much to interest one in to-day’s papers, Sir! Jones. No, Sir, you are right; but one or two items seemed to strike me. I see that in the World case they have obtained a decree nisi. Brown. Solsaw. And Cartes Russert showed cause why it should not be made absolute. Now what effect will that have ? Jones. Well, that is a difficult question to answer: and I may mention, as a matter of fact, that they report these law cases in such an extraordinary manner, that it always puzzles me to know which side has gained the day. Now, what is a decree nisi ? Brown. Wasn't it a rule nisi ? Jones. A decree and a rule are the same, I think. Are they not? Brown, I do not know. But it doesn’t matter. A rule or decree nisi is a rule or decree nist until it is made a rule or decree absolute. Jones. Exactly. Then a rule or decree absolute is a rule or decree absolute after it has been a rule or decree nisi. Brown. Preeisely so. [ Silence. Brown. Bad business this about the Becuanhas. Jones. Shocking. But what can one do? Brown. The very question I have asked myself. Does the ques- tion lie in a nutshell ? Jones. Of course not, my dear Sir, or you and I would not be puzzling ourselves over its solution. Brown. Admirably argued. What will the Government say ? Jones. BISMARCK. Brown, Ab, if he puts his foot down it is all right, but will he? Jones. There it is. If he does, there is peace in Egypt. Brown. Egypt? I had an idea that the Becuanhas were the natives of Madagascar. Jones. I won’t be certain. Brown. More will I. At any rate, we must wait and hope. Jones. That is my motto too. [ Silence. Jones. Good speeches those at the Royal College of Music. — First-rate. Mrttars and Lrienton and Faira in great orm. Jones. One moment. View of the Academy. Brown. Of course, of course. But Iwas confused between the Royal Academy and the Royal College of Surgeons—— ‘ones. Music. Brown, Ah yes, of Music. How carefully you do study your papers, and what a ponent Oy have! Iam no use at all. ones. Don’t run yourself down. I certainly try and master the — of my daily, but I gather from your conversation you do e same, Brown. But unsuccessfully.; What do you, now, consider the aims of this Musical School ? Jones. To encourage Music. Brown, And a very good object too! How will it be worked out ? Jones. The details are hardly to hand,but the general idea is good. Brown. None could be better. I was very much struck with it, speaking for myself. Jones, I too was highly pleased at its originality. [ Silence. Brown, Are you much of a theatre-goer ? Jones. Not very much. Are you? Brown, Moderately so. Is there anything else worth seeing ? Jones, I believe that that fellow—what’s his name, I always for- get it—is extremely ews Brown. 80 I have been told. And I hear that the piece at the— se tut, I shall not remember my own address next—is very funny. ones, So I read. Silence. Jones, So they have got another of these Irishmen. Brown. So I am glad to read. It serves the scoundrel—'see, it is OTHY, isn’t it P Jones. I think so. No; isn’t it Jon? Brown. ’Pon my soul, I think you are right; but these Irish names are very troublesome, being all so much alike. ones. They are; and the trials are so very long. Anyhow, I am glad to know that justice has been done. Brown. So am I, heartily. [ Silence. Jones. There has been horse-racing at Newmarket this week. Brown, Yes. It is astonishing how these meetings spring up. ere you there ? ones. No. I only care for the great races of the year. © speeey That reminds me the “ Derby” is at hand. Next week, 0 ',Jones. Or the one after. Ah! a grand race! I must have m five pounds on my fancy ! ¥ Those were the speeches at the Private _ Brown. Well, once a year I do the same. Do you think any horse is certain to win Jones. It is hard to say. And you? Brown. I haven't quite made up my mind. Hullo! here’s town! Good morning ! [ They separate. Brown. A remarkably well-read man! I shall cultivate him! Jones. An admirably-informed and close-thinking person! I shall try and travel with him always in future! é THE COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER ON THE NILE. My pear TEwFIikx, I HAVE now the pleasure of forwarding you my General Report on the present condition and future prospects of Egypt. might have communicated it to you, accompanied simply by one of those Official Despatches, of which I fancy you have received a good many since my arrival in the country. Our friendly intimacy, however, enables me to address you through the medium of a private letter, which has the great advantage of not actually binding Her Majesty’s Government to the views expressed in it, while if every- thing turns out satisfactorily, they can then claim the full credit of the pelicy which I am about to expound. I cannot, of course, expect that your Highness will endorse every sentiment in my Report ; but as I have no desire to be held personally responsible for the recommendations which it contains, I am anxious that people should think that the projected reforms men- tioned in it are exclusively the outcome of your own generous and enlightened nature, although I dare say that many of them will occasion you and CHEriF PasHa just a little surprise It is, of course, a source of deep regret to me that I should be obliged to run off to Constantinople, and spend a week or so in London en route, instead of remaining to witness the intense grati- tude of the Egyptian ‘‘Fellaheen” for the unexampled blessin which they now enjoy, which include the payment of the Bond- holders and of an indemnity of somewhere about a million sterling. I confidently a that in a short time your Highness will be enabled to drive ugh the streets without much fear of instant a - - tulate th hich has b re ve te congra ‘ou on the progress which has been made. It is true that gross offical corruption, the misuse of arbi- trary power, and a thousand injustices prevail. What of that? Your Highness must have noticed before now, the cheering fact that this is the best of all possible worlds, and that everything is for the best in it. The material tranquillity of the country is absolute from one end to the other, if we a the rather dangerous tumults which have recently occurred at Port Said, the consequent excite- ment at Cairo, and the open rebellion of the False Prophet in the Soudan. This tranquillity is entirely due to your Highness’s benefi- cent measures, and not in the smallest degree to the presence of a British garrison capable of crushing a revolt at its very outset. As for those Fellaheen, who are still inconsiderate enough to com- _ of oppression, the knowledge that the use of the ‘‘ kourbash ” as been declared illegal, should surely console them for any actual Should they still have the convinced that the floggings they may have undergone. bad taste to continue complaining, then I feel the announcement that in a few weeks the elaboration of a New Civil and Criminal Code will be completed, ought to draw tears of heartfelt joy and penitence from their eyes. . our Highness’s generous bestowal of free and Representative Institutions is just what I should have expected, considering the very strong hints I have frequently dropped _— the subject, and the fact that it will be perfectly easy for your Highness to disregard any recommendations which your Representative Assembly may take upon themselves to make. The solution of most of the other roblems in Egyptian reorganisation will rest with the distinguished uro’ 8, whom you have so kindly—again at my suggestion— attached to the various Departments of State. It is impossible to suppose that with such powerful coadjutors, your Highness should ever for a moment feel a doubt as to the perfectly independent position that you so ably fill. , Finally, I do not hesitate to assure your Highness—but, as I remarked before, quite in an unofficial sort of way—that the present arrangements are intended by Her Majesty’s Government both to succeed, and, what is still more important, to endure, an intimation which I am sure your Highness is quite acute enough to comprehend in all its significance. D-Fr-R-x. THE LIVING CHESS TOURNAMENT AT HENGLER’S. Torn about and walk about, a rare fine Show, Make your figures stalk about and play Chess so! Quatity anp QuantTity.—The three new Musical Knights are quite equal to a Score.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {May 19, 1883,

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rs Be HIN ih Ya ‘ a a pers | wll 5 TY). yas

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A FELT WANT. Eligible Young Aspirant, ‘‘AND DO YOU REALLY APPROVE OF GrMNasTics FoR Youna Lapier, Mrs, PaENDeRGast?” Proud Mother. **1 po, InpeepD, Mr. MrpMAY, AND ALWAYS HAVE. I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THERE 18 NOf ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS THAT COULDN'T KNOCK DOWN HER OWN FATHER!”

THE HARVEST OF THE SEA; I’ve bounty for all, but your Rings intercept it PP ses ah - ne ery \ ss whe need it ee ya a — ,, Mj ines “oh y’ve the rule of the sea, when you oug ve kept it. OS ree » to te Plab-cnters. A thought that should check my Brrrannia’s proud boast. NeptoneE log. : Here’s largess! Just look atit! O is teemin WueEn worthy Saint Anthony preached to the fishes With oaite tnenheantiae watvaih of fish, ? (Of course | was present to hear the discourse), In number past counting, in worth beyond dreaming, They listened intent to his words and his wishes, And free to the world ; such at least is my wish. Expressed with such unetion, applied with such force. But the ies of Commerce are ever beforehand But alas! as we’re told by his poet-reporter, With poverty helpless, with dulness inert. Although so impressed, so delighted were they, They take triple tithe e’er the wealth reaches your hand. The fish did not follow their saintly exhorter, You’ve now a fresh start. Shall it be a mere spurt ? Because, after all, ‘‘ they preferred the old way!” Th ah! ule, how I pity th tandin And men are like fishes. Verb. sap. ’Twere irrational Tc chatter PR gene Mea ; the. anes a ppt ” Much to expect from a sermon alone. _ When the pick of my hoard they might all be commanding, But there is a text ia your great International Snatched from them by Capital’s sinister stealth. Fisheries Show that a Sea-god must own. The harvest is bountiful, opulent, stintless, A Show 80 colossal, so grand, so complete, is And none need be gleaners—there ’s plenty for all ; : Quite worthy — = — rl her 3 , Miraculous draughts fess my sea wide and or ould very well like to step over wi etis, i ull, And one or two Tritons, and take a look round. eae tarinabvibassics thi : St. Anthony's eloquent sermon was bootless ; But I am not a shore-going fellow; my function Will men be as dull as the stock-fish or cod ? Is wholesale purveyor. I leave it to you Shall Neptune’s well-meaning remonstrance be fruitless ? ——e — queen y ' a — compunction Will Sense shut its ears to the ancient Sea-god ? ou make a poor job of it—save for a few. houting in migh Great hopes are aroused by your great Exhibition, Remon pone shouting = mighty applause ust open y: They ’ll utterance find on the opening day ; You have one other task—'tis to shut the huge jaws of But some thrive on things in their present condition *s bi “ a And they, like the fishes, “ poe An the old way.” ; a oe It’s a very bad way, marked by greed and stupidity, _ Wicked monopoly, prodigal waste. ‘Tae Davey Case,” recently brought before the sitting Magis- You want common-sense to contend with eupidity.— trate at Bow Street, has nothing to do with Mr. BaapLaveH and Isn’t it time that you gave ’em a taste P the Oaths Bill.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—May 19, 1883. -—_ ‘= ae ye) * “xo f EAN Ta A Ny i Ny / oe = EE a S\\ YY THE HARVEST OF THE SEA. a =~ —— WN WIN \. Va RNS FWA i/ Se Farner Nerivung, ‘‘ THERE’S PLENTY FOR EVERYBODY !—HUMPH !—IF YOU COULD ONLY GATHER IT'!” a

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Mar 19, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. No. 341.—School of Dramatic Art. Pupils rehearsing. Chief Pupil on Stage right. y 4 John Pettis, R.A. No. 170.—Fiddle-de-dee. We area Merry Family. Private Parties attended. Arthur Hughes. No. 842.—Singing Tiger at a Monster Concert. Herbert Johnson. No. 156. An Election subject, which might be called ‘* 4 Blank Canvas. H. Fanrtin. *,* It may have been intended by the Artist as a hint to one of the Acade- micians, whose work is in the same line, suggesting how much better it would have been had he left the canvas on his easel as he first found it. No. 240. Lord Wotsetey regretting that he had not been cast for a part in Mr. Harnis’s Youth at Drury Lane. Franx Hott, R.A. No. 249. Performing out of St. James’s Hall; or, Half Hours with the best Lunatics. J. B. Buraxss, A. No. 250. .A Stout ‘*‘ Red Line.” Frank Hott, R.A. No. 299. .A Collarable Imitation. Portrait of. Mr. GLADSTONE on the morning after the rejection of the Affirmation Bill. He looks Affirmationly Billious. J. R. Hersert, R.A. No. 302. ‘‘ The Haunt of the Moor-Hen.” Suggests that the Artist, Mr. W. W. Carryn, should paint a companion-picture to this, and call it ‘‘ The Hunele of the Spring Chicken.” No. 324. The use of the rod to children. J.C. Hoox, R.A. No, 330, Early Days. Child after her first glass of wine regards the kitten, and determining to be a member of the Blue Ribbon Army, whose decoration is round Kitty’s neck. Sir F. Lzrenron, P.R.A. No. 334. Eminent Amateur rehearsing Hamlet, with property- Skull, Jonn Cortrer. No. 344, Feeble old party in his second childhood has been per- mitted to play battledore and shuttlecock by the hour. Having exceeded his time, he is putting grandfather’s clock back. H. 8. Marks, R.A. No. 370. Nymphs and Fauns. P. R. Morrts, A. No. 390, ‘‘ Jol sor 0’ chap. Shall take pledge morrow ; join blue rib—all ri?” J. Hanson WALKER. No, 391. A Beater. P. R. Morzts, A. No. 436. My First Toothache. CaTurxca Amyor. . No. 476. Reverend Gentleman preparing for extempore preach- De}; clones the book and says, ‘* How can I recollect that verbatim?” edicated to Stokes on Memory. W. W. Ovxrss, R.A. Pan 484, What’s the least I can give without being considered cd ?” H. T. ScuArer. 0. 748, Disturbing a pic-nic. A, W. BAyEs. No. 883, An Awful Bore! R, AnspELL, R.A, No. 342.— Guy Fawkes’ Day in the Mountains. ‘* Holloa, Boys. here’s another Guy!”’ No. 13.— A Booty-ful Person. a Waukenphast Advertisement. (4 OM NYT TY? el a Ht) 4! | 1, ny NY, W. I. Frith,R.A. A, a iN! } a To be Hugkes’d as Arthur Hughes. No. 267.—Mlle. nea practising a Leap-Frog Ballet. James Clark. NO BALL! Lorp Harris, the most energetic of men, Desires the enforcement of Rule Number Ten In Cricket ; Insisting—a thing our Obstructives might stare at— That they who bowl straight and bowl swift shall bowl fair at The wicket ! Oh, pride of the emerald swards of green Kent, Could you bring the “fair play” of the field and the tent To St. Stephen’s, Perhaps it might lead to a pleasant revival, And parties might battle as fairly as rival Elevens ! The difference there betwixt ‘‘ bowling’ and ‘‘ throwing ’”’ Appears clean forgotten, the mischief is growing palling. Of manly fair-play there " scarcely a tittle. It’s oh for a Rule Number Ten, and a little o-Balling | Mrs. RamMspotHam is astonished to hear that the Count de CHam- BORD is suffering from Fleabites. Her Nephew showed her the paragraph in the paper, but she only told him that ‘‘ Phlebitis” was the French way of spelling it. Fancy at the Great Fish Show. Twat fish increases our supply of brain . We’ve oft been told by Sages. Well, we wish The Sages’ schemes may show the converse gain,— That brain increases our supply of fish. Mem. at Burtiineron Hovsz.—A picture may be Pane | executed”’ without of necessity being ‘‘ well hung.” And vice versa,

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238 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [May 19, 1883, _ THE NEW BARONET. THERE are those who win their laurels victors in the d ly y; Those whom all the people welcome with the pans of to-day ; There are those too who win triumphs in the piping times of peace, law-givers, or as scholars in the lore of Rome and Greece ; : But who now has gained the Red Hand, what may be his style, and claim To a place upon the roll of Honour, whence can come his fame ? Not upon the field of battle, nor amid our human strife, Did this man gain fame and honour, though his right hand bears the knife ; Yet ’tis his to dare a combat while spectators_hold their _ breath, His a never-ending warfare | . with the forces of King _ Death ; His the Surgeon’s wondrous science which that grisly | , tyrant quells ; \ Fitting is it that we hail him henceforth as Sir SPENCER | - WELIs! Mrs. RamspotHaM says that the first time they play Gov- nop’s March of the Marie An- toinettes at the Monday Pops, she will be there. She says she has only heard it once, but it struck her that the style was so exactly suited to the subject. PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 136. SIR SPENCER WELLS, BART. ; Or, Sin Dispenser WELLS, —— VENUS AND MARS. “The planets Venus and Mars are now very near each other.”— Astronomical Notes in the Athe. neum,” You’re right, my most Atheneum, peas @u For surely to every man it’s Quite plain that whenever we see em, They always are near, those two planets. When soldiers come home from campaigning, With ey from Egyptian aars, Old sweethearts with ease they ’re regaining, For Venus is true to her Mars, No matter though loves Ori- en Have beckon’d the warrior to rest, He sails back to England, con- tent all His faith to repose in one breast. No other can e’er come between us, He cries, as he wins in the wars, For Mars is still constant to Venus, And Venus is true to her Mars. As tothe right of persons to hold public meetings on the open common of Peckham Rye, it has been decided that no Peckham Kye-oting can be permitted, UnpoPpuLaR GAME AT THE Roya AcapEemy. — “‘ High- sky-high!” ATTRACTIVE BAIT AT THE INTERNATIONAL FISHERIES, Last Saturdaysaw—though not very clearly—the Offishial Opening of the International Fisheries Exhibition. 1t poured till nearly ten, and then the streets were filthy. But inside the building the arrangements were as perfect as possible. Uniforms—the naval pre- dominating, of course—stars and garters, ribbons—very few blue ones—and decorations everywhere. The leading points of the ceremony were a well-delivered speech by the Prince of WHates—(Ten Thousandth and last appearance of this absolutely necessary joke this week,)—with a hearty finish about an English welcome, which elicited some real English cheers. The esthetic Archbishop, looking as if his long locks were still damp after coming out of his own See of Canterbury, then read a prayer con- taining some appropriate Scriptural allusions—not a very difficult matter on such an occasion, though his Quite Too-Too Grace forgot to ke mention of JonaH and the Whale. The orisons being ended, the choir struck up the Ancient Hundredth, ‘‘ All people that on earth do dwell,” which isn’t at first sight suggestive of anything to do with the sea, specially as most people who on earth do dwell are | a indifferent sailors, and would rather remain where they are. hey should have sung ‘‘ The Sea, the Sea, the Open Sea,” which would have been a fine Free-trading Canticle, and as for the religious ‘t of the ceremony, they should have engaged a few Sar-deans to oit. However, his Too-Too Grace is to be congratulated on not having seized the opportunity for a punning discourse on the Value of Soles, Shellfishness, 80 . Then the Prince declared the building open; then more music; and then the Procession returned as it came; and the spectators returned, gradually, not as they came, ess, which was with a deal of scrooging and pushing, but quietly wandering about in the different Courts, mapesinn the Chinese models’in what seemed to be one of the most complete and interesting of all the depart- ments, and being, in another place, much exerci as to whether a black sailor standing with an oar in hi d was a model, or real flesh and blood. Personally, it struck me that he was both, as, in spite of a crowd round him, half afraid to touch him or to ask questions, he never moved a muscle, and even when it occurred to me to test him with a silver coin, which I held at some little distance from him, but distinctly visible, he did not budge an inch; though this _— have been accounted for by the thought having flashed across his mind that if he moved to take the coin, and s0 spoil the illusion, I should have moved, too, at a rapid pace, and in an — direction. I will not affirm that I should not have done so; but I can testify that he remained statuesque to the last, and that I left him the centre of attraction to an admiring crowd. Visitors being hungry and ver thronged the fish dinner, at sixpence a head, which I[ could smell at a distance (there is a deal of flayour about the Fisheries), but into which I could not squeeze, as it was ‘full up.” The refreshment-rooms and the bars were crowded. The Fish-Market was an object of interest to many, who thought they were going to take home the best fish a bargain, but who found that as a rule they were selling at West-end prices, and only offered an inferior article ata less figure. This was a great disappoint- ment to all who had anticipated pointing a moral from a fish’s When in working order, the place ought to be a big success, if Greenwich dinners can be done for a shilling a head, the Traf and the other hotels may shut up for the season. A The Scotch Fisher-girls were in form, and doing a good trade in photographs. There were Norwegian Fisher-girls, and ® dummy fisher-girl from Boulogne, watching over a dummy fisher- man lying helplessly on his back. Plenty of amusement, including Picture Gallery, Aquarium, culinary apparatus, and:working machi- nery. In the Picture Gallery the portrait of the celebrated ANN Cuovy in oil is well worth seeing. Further detail on the earliest opportunity. Wirth two Cartoons about the Fisheries, with Verses on the subject, and an account of the Opening of the Exhibition, this is & Fishy number of Punch. Quite an exception, of course. and

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Mar 19, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ——®!_ S— eG ivab wile meas a) te oat mt 7" SE aa al Dp ae sie eee md, a, iN pm MI) me ah \4 ih of wg ft rm tar Ry Vf HH | MA Wy CONSCIENCE. U. P. Elder. **THe MEENISTER NEEDNA’ 'BEEN THAT HAURD EN HES Discoorsk. THEER 'PLANTY 0’ LEEARS I’ PEEBLES FORBYE ME! ” TRYING IT ON. “If Lord BEACONSFIELD’S spirit could for a moment animate his Statue! ”— Lord R. Churchill, in his Article, “Elijah’s Mantle,” in Fortnightly Review. ScrnE—.A Public Place. Time—The small hours after the House's rising. Present—A Bronze Statue and a Small Personage in a big Cloak, Small Personage. Ha! There’s nobody looking! No! House dark! G.O. M. just turned the corner of Downing Street. Give him a corner he won’t be able to turn one of these days, or my name’s not—— But no matter. Peeler’s footstep dies away in the distance. Nothing about but shadows and sleepy Cabmen. I will! (Carefully arranges cloak around him, and strikes an attitude at foot of Statue.) Ah! Judging by my shadow on the ground, it’s like—very like. A little Jong, perhaps, but that’s only a question of draping, after all. If only this Statue were like the Vocal Memnon, now, = could—— What’s that? Sounded like a metallic chuckle, or as if one of DSEER’s lions were trying to roar, and couldn’t — uite manage it. Voice. A thing that —— happens we — Smali Personage (aside). By Jove, it is! Well, I anit t be taken aback. Shall one who stands the braying of so many live donkeys be ken by the voice even of the Pigwent of dead lions? No; brass st bronze. a. — a My Lord, as I have said where, ‘* Your p bear. ®. amount of microscopic examination ” ; the ae of this particular one—— Voice. Apply the microscope at your leisure. What is that you are—may I say smothered up in? Personage. Ahem !—it is—a—well, in point of fact, a cloak. Voice. Your own? Small Personage. Well—a—yes. Voice. Then I ar my tailor. Small Personage, Thanks. But I—ah—like the cut, and—I may es # to it a 7 otce. beer ent, very! Second-hand, perhaps, and bought cheap? Small P. . No; had it madefor me, after a favourite pattern. bet oe, Iti is one which, like Charity, would cover a multitude of — t you’re hardly asin, perhaps. More of a peceadillo, eh ? | though Tere aise (awelkaglyy ‘Anyhow, some of ’em hate me as Votce (softly). Not ees sin, at any rate! Small Personage (aside). Confound him! Can’t cheek him—like Cross, or sit upon him—as though he were Srarry. (Aloud.) Well, my Lord—if that is your title in your—ahem !— present sphere,— ou know imitation is the sincerest form of —— Voice. mpudence, Davsrron, R.A., tmitates Nature—at least, he says so—as Hamlet's players imitated humanity. I need not quote ; you are doubtless as well versed in poetic as in patristic lore, and know your SHAKSPEABE as thoroughly as your—how do you put it,— ORIGEN ? Small Personage. Ah! my Lord, your life inspires even whilst your lips deride. Voice (gentally). Better! That life you say—elsewhere—‘‘ may be painted in a sentence.” Small Personage. Ah! you have read my article in the Bi- Monthly Review Voice. I will not say read. But there is a sentence therein which paints you. Small Personage. Which ? Voice. ‘* Whenever, by an unfortunate concurrence of circum- stances, an oo 3 is compelled to support the Government, the support should be given with a kick, and not with a caress.’ a Personage. And what do you say to that ? Yoice. Only that borrowed garments seldom fit well, and that Ps is not courage. Small Personage. Will you explain ? Voice. No. You are not dull, and oe ncrmmaoege f are. Small Personage. Since your departure, the party — election affairs, organisation, pe me Pe m going to the dogs. Voice. Will that be remedied by re’ logsting it to the puppies ? Small Personage. But you yourself, were vigilant, bellicose, tenacious, unsparing ! Voice. I fought with lions. But not by snapping and snarling at their heels. To imitate Launce’s ill-conditioned Crab, is not to imitate me. In politics there isa wide difference between youn Ishmael and a gamin of the gutter, between the sling-and-stone an mud-flinging. The Mantle of Ex1Jax is too big for you—at present, but youthful cleverness may fight a good fight under the ‘* Mantle of Fideiity.”’ You know your Percy’s Reliques? Verb.sap. [ Silence.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ——— [Mar 19, 1883, ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, May 7.—Had a chat with SraveLtey Hut to-night about the Far West. Hon. and learned Gentleman one time thought might be made Soxicrror-Generat. Bat a grateful Government stopped short at making him Judge- Advocate of the Fleet. , ‘** Tf it had been Lord High Admiral,” he says, ‘‘I wouldn’t have minded. But other thing a little obscure. So turned my atten- tion to ranching, and now own flocksand herds innumerable. Rough lot of men out there; hard to deal with. Threatened outbreak sometimes. Always quelled it in one way. Put on my wig and gown, carry in right hand patent as Judge-Advocate of the Fleet, and go among them. Effect instantaneous. Roughest among them quelled. No more trouble for weeks.” What I want to know from the learned Rancheman is as to pros- pects out there of useful Dog not afraid of work. Early riser; washing put out, and children not objected to. Seems to me the sooner we ’re out of this country the better. Did believe our Fleet was pretty well, considering. Learn to-night this is quite a mistake. Lord Henry Lennox ambling round the subject for an hour, “like Mr. Mantalini in the bonnet-shop,” Sir THomas Brassey growls, in that sea-dog voice learned on board the Sunbeam. Couldn’t make much out of Lord Hevry, except ‘‘ how very kind— nothing could be kinder—than everybody had been to him.” This, pa | with little reminiscences of the time, nearly two years all told, when he was Secretary to the Admiralty, together with what he said _to his noble friend on a particular occasion, and what the Right Hon. Gentleman said to him at some other time, made up an agreeable hour and a half, Quite at sea with Lord Henry. But afterwards a chorus of dismal foreboding from Sir Joun Hay, Sir Eowarp Reep, Mr. W. H. Smrrn. and other great sea Captains. All pointed to one con- clusion. We have no ships worth speaking of. Too fast, or too slow, armour too heavy, too light, or in the wrong place. Guns burst. Coal won’t burn. Steam won't ‘“‘get up” in the morning. Dockyards inadequate. In short, we shall be knocked into a cocked hat, if Switzerland, Portugal, or any other Naval Power declared war against us. Before that day dawns I mean to be settled down on my own ranche. Business done.—None. Tuesday.—House of Lords debating question of Opening Museums and Picture Galleries on Sundays. Lord Dungaven pleaded cause of intelligent working-man in moderate and lively speech. But majority of House shocked at notion, and Motion rejected by three to two. The Bishops turned out in great force, making a fine show of lawn on the Bench below Ministers. ‘** Looks as if it was washing-day, and they had got the clothes out early.” RanpoLpH says, gazing upon the scene from the Gallery. New Archbishop present. Looks Aisthetic. Got his speech ready. Intended when he came down to deliver it, but so nervous couldn’t get it off. ‘*Pity your Grace should have had all this trouble,” I say (always like to be polite to an Archbishop) ; .‘‘sure great loss to the world so much eloquence, argument, and common sense.” ‘Don’t think it will be lost,’’ said his Grace, sweetly. ‘‘ Preaching shortly on the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah; shall be able to use up a good many of the ‘erg awl His Grace ought to carry a lily or a sunflower. Notice his Grace wears his hair parted down the middle, like his predecessor. Suppose this is part {of Archiepis- copal full-dress. Ask Lord RosEBery. ** Yes,” he says; ‘“‘ you see it would not do to have in the Primate a man of strong ideas and masterful ways. When you find a man who has reached middle life and has never been able to decide on which side he shall part his hair, he is in the ranning for the Primacy. ‘ Au juste miieu’ is the motto for CANTERBURY.” Lord Cargns much pleased at result of Division. “It’s not, Tosy,” says he. ‘‘as if I asked working-man to do what I wouldn’t do myself. Never go into my own picture gallery ona Sanday. Lock it up on Saturday night. Also, after midnight every Saturday, turn round pictures oa diaing-room walls, in pas- sages, library, drawing-room, or wherever they might catch the eye on the Sabbath.” Business done in the Commons.—None. Wednesday,— I knew what would happen, when I let PLayrarr bring in those pots of Oleo-Margarine,” the SpzaKer said this evening, as Lady BranD gave us a cup of tea. ‘‘They’re only little ones,’ Prayrark urged. ‘ Yes,’ I said, ‘that’s true enough. If they were the size of a sponge-bath, of course you wouldn’t bring m in.’ Bat I weakly yielded; and now here’s BroapHuRsT brought in a nail-making machine, which he calls an Oliver, and works away, to illustrate the Motion for the Second Reading of a Bill to amend the Workshops’ Act.” **Couldn’t you have got WINN to have given him a Rowland for his Oliver?” I said, seeing the SPzAKE@ was really distressed. “No,” he answered, sadly, ‘that Winn-ado. The thing must be met by an Order of the House. It ’ll grow, till place becomes sort of workshop, and we ’ll have to build a shed on the site of the old Law Courts to keep the materials for illustrating speeches. We shall have LapoucHEaeE next ‘bringing in a cobbler’s stall, and showing how they make boots in Northampton, whilst he pleads the right of the constituency to have two representatives.” House a little startled when Broapuursr first produced hig machinery. eae it might have something to do with explosions, Bat only made nails. Most iateresting process. You put a piece of iron-piping in at one end, tura a handle, and tenpenny nails flow in abundance from other end. ‘*Dear me!’ said Boppy Spencer, who over the ring-fence of his collar watched process with childish delight. (Subsequently, in cloak- room, tried his hand with the machine, and made a few nails for private circulation only.) ‘‘ Really charmiog: but should have thought it would have brought down the price of nails. Tenpence apiece seems a good deal, don’t you know. Thing sure to spread. Daresay, ia moving Agricultural Holdings Bill to-morrow night, Dopson will have a collection of spades, mowing-machines, steam-ploughs, and a few drain-pipes. Interest- ing in its way. Makes the House a sort of superior Polytechnic ; but likely to become inconvenient as custom grows. SPEAKER’S quite right. He ought to have put down his foot on PLAYFatrr’s pots. Business done.—Miscellaneous. Threw out BsoapHurst’s Bill, Oliver and all, by swingeing majority. Thursday Night.—Grand Old Man in grand old passion to-night. Came upon him after Division on Clause 13 in Customs and Inland Revenue Bill, thrown out by a majority of seven. Tried to get out of his way. Thought it would be pleasanter to have a chat with him some other time. But he ‘‘ was not to be denied,” as they say ia prize-ring literature when one Gentleman succeeds in planting his fist in particularly uncomfortable relation to the other one’s face. ‘*T want to know, Tosy,’’ says he, his shirt-collars flapping in the emotion of subdued rage like the mainsail of a yacht when you’re luffiag, or tacking, or doing something that makes the sail wobble, ‘““what I want to know is, who is to conduct the business of this country? Is it me and my colleagues, or is it a few Gentlemen below the Gangway, who are what they call Independent. Here’sa case affecting detail of administration in Tax-gathering Department, CaILpErs, on his responsibility, says it will work well, and save £30,000 a year. Objection taken on score of vested interests. Objec- tion fully met by modification of scheme. The Conservative Oppo- sition looking on, prick up their ears. They can’t defeat us out of their own ranks, but count on Land-Leaguers, and if they can geta dozen or so of our men, they’re safe to run us close, or even defeat us. That’s all very well for them, but not for us, or for me. I can’t carry on Government on those terms, and, what’s more, I won’r;” and the Grand Old Man, with his head very high in the air, and a red spot on either pale cheek, strode off before I could explain that it.wasn’t my fault. Glad to be safe out of it on any terms. Business done.—Another Government defeat. Early to-morrow morning, Dopson, looming dimly out of the Fog, explained details of Agricultural Holdings Bill. Friday.—Spent afternoon more or less agreeably in foreign parts. Grand Cross on first about Cuban Refugees; then Witraip Lawson on Egypt. Finally, and appropriately, ASHMEAD BARTLETT on India. AsHMEAD would have undertaken either of the other parts with equal readiness, but the others getting in first, took what was left. Grand Cross got on pretty well, no one daring to smile. In fact, scarcely anyone present either to smile or weep. Gen impression House might as well have adjourned yesterday. But let us go now. Business done.—Adjourned till Monday, 21st. Derby Day the 23rd. So whats the use of meeting, except at Epsom, till the 24th? A BRACING ATMOSPHERE. Speaxrne of Mr. Guapsronz at the dinner of the National Liberal Club, the London Correspondent of the Susser Daily News, says— “A storm of cheering swept through the hall, and then the pale face and the leonine front, which have been seen in the van of Liberal progress for 80 many years, were hailed with thunderous acclamation. The tossing sea-of table napkius visibly braced Mr. GLADSTONE’S spirits.’’ Why all this praise of the “‘leonine front,” and no word about the leonine collars? The ‘‘leonine front” ia the van, savours, too, @ little of the menagerie. We have heard of the bracing effects of sea- air, but possibly a ‘‘ tossing sea of table-napkins” may brace even more tightly. The cheers, the shouts, the hearty rapkins, The tossing sea of table-napkins ! But where was the Poet Laureate ? @ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders. | Bsssezusrecces Ses Bs e seep mw em Se ee

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—_—_— May 26, 1883, ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. a Juvenile Selling Stakes. = Maiden Plait. 8 4p a Delcyhted Pulling up at the Bend. Archer called upon his Horse. Beaten at the Distance. THE TURF GUY’C. Racy Sxetcues By Dums-Crampo Junior. A Sweep’s Takes. SO MUCH IMPROVED! Little Vehicular Farce now being performed with immense success every afternoon not a hundred miles from Hyde Park Corner. Mr, and Mrs. Burtineton Brown, who have taken a four-wheeled cab near the Marble Arch, in order to be in plenty of time to attend a Conversazione in Gr Place, disevvered enjoying the fresh- nessof Park Lané as they proceed leisurelv towards Piccadilly. Time—A little before 4 P.M. at the height of the Season. Mr. Burlington Brown (continuing discursive and_ enthusiastic panegyric on the local improvements). The change is positively wonderful. You wouldn’t know the place; and coming up from Knightsbridge, [’ll really defy you to tell where youare. (Warming with the subject.) You seem to be entering a lovely well-wooded garden, winding deliciously away right to Westminster Abbey. And then if you ’re going West, BLoccam—and he knows a lot of Artists and fellows of that sort, you know—says there’s not a finer bit of architectural landscape in Europe than the corner there. You have the Hospital facing you, and those blocks, scaling—or whatever they call it—right away down to the left. You should see it, as I do, coming home from the Club at night! Why, BLoccam says it beats the Piazza della Signoria at Bologna, or Venice, or somewhere, all to vers, And he’s right. Mrs. Burlington Brown (pleasantly impressed). Dear me, how very clever of the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN to have managed it 80 nicely ! (Ne a sudden alteration in the pace of the cab.) But what a number of carriages there seem to be out this afternoon! I we shan’t be late for the GurGoyLes ? r. B. B. Oh, no! lots of time. (Zooks at his Watch.) Why, We’ve seven minutes yet. Yon’re thinking of the old state of g8, you know, when there always used to be that beastly jam at the corner of Grosvenor Place, that made you late for everything. hanged now. That’s the point of all this improvement: carting off the Old Duke and all the rest of it. (Again warming with his subject.) Oh, it’s capitally managed! You’ll see presently. hey’ve cut one road somehow clean across, you know; taken a Piece off the Corner, with a nice slope, and a curve right down to the top of Thingummy Street that goes into Belgrave Square, don’t you know? and then they ’ve made another that curls the other way, to take all the back traffic; and then there ’s one to relieve the Park ee,—awfully well dodged, that! And so you see it doesn’t matter where you’re coming from or where you're going, there’s no waiting, and jamming, and letting you through a turnstile, and all the rest of it, as there used to be; but there’s Jots of room for everybody, and you just fall into your proper stream, and there ’s no more hitch than there is if you were onthe Embankment. (Cab comes to a dead halt.) Hum! I don’t ever remember to have seen it_so crowded. [Lovks out, and watches seven-and-thirty omnibuses, carriages, coal-waggons, cabs, drays, and tradesmen’s carts pass from somewhere to somewhere else at right angles, while a Police- man, who is superintending the procession with a sense of proprietorship, puts the back of a white Berlin glove at intervals deprecatingly into the cab-horse’s eye. Mrs. B. B. (after three minu‘es and a half of it). My dear, I’m sure we shall be late. Why, it seems as bad as ever it was. (Coming to the point.) Worse, I think. Mr. B. B. oh no,—it isn’t worse. It’s all right. It’s only temporary, whatever it is. There must be some Volunteers, or something. (Nettled; with suppressed anger to Cabman.) Cunfound it; why can’t you get on ? . Cabman (not unreasonably), Get on? I should like to see anyone get on in this here jam. ? [Advances his horse by way of experiment into neck of Proprie- tary Policeman. Proprietary Policeman. Now then. Back, will yer! What are youup to? Where are youa drivin’ to? [ Was about to let him move on, but, on rapid reflection, again places the back of a white Berlin glove at intervals depreca- tingly into cab-horse’s eye, and allows another procession of thirty-seven more omnibuses, carriages, cabs, cvual-waggons, carts and drays to pass on from somewhere to somewhere else at right angles tn obstructive ease. Mr. B. B. (after anuther six minutes of it, in which he has taken with more or less inaccuracy the numbers of three separate Proprie- tary Policemen, an Omntb ductor, a couple of Cabmen, together with the addresses of the owners of seven private carriages and of a butcher boy,—recanting with warmth). It’s scandalous, infamous ! D—d bad management, that’s what it is! [ Glares at a landau. Mrs. B. B. Well, it’s no use exciting yourself now, whatever it is—for we’re late for the Conversazione,—as I said we should be ! (And she’s right, for spite the descent of the Iron Duke, the disap- pearance of his familiar arch, a perennial smell of pitch, and the wonderful relief of the traffic at the ‘‘ Corner,” there’s something , et wrong at Hamilton Place, and the sooner tt 1s set right—the bette ~.) VOL, LXXXrv. =

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 26, 1883, a ie) at ili net ~—e i, Ed | ! “ll SOPHISTICAL. Reveller, ‘*’TisauL’t TH’ WH(SHKY 8’MUSH—ISSH TH’ ILLABILITY T’ CALLY IT MAKESH A Maat ’pPEAR——” [Sits down! OUR OFFISHIAL GUIDE. Part I,—PRELIMINARY AND ARTISTIC. Frest catch your Catalogue, which, containing, as it does, only about eight hundred pages of printed matter, is admirably — for the pocket of any waistcoat large enough to admit it. Having secur that you are in search of fish. Produce the excellent plan you will find at the commencement of the tiny little volume, and, if with a companion inclined to punning, beg him to let off all his side-splitters about the names of fish, such as **sole ideas,” ‘‘ getting a comfortable plaice,” ‘‘ taking to his eels,” ‘* herring and straying,’ at once, and have done with them. Oo your to the land which was once known as Brompton, but which now boasts an infinitely ‘‘ genteeler” title. you will discover that the local colouring is unquestionably nautical. You will meet boatmen by the score; and whenever you get to a cab-stand, there you will find an attentive waterman. On the pavement you will notice that a fair proportion of the engers are **half-seas over,” and further observe that the houses have all their blinds down, no doubt to keep out the gaze of the public, ‘‘ gaze’ being used here as an alter- native word to avoid a tautological repetition of the noun substantive “‘ see.” Finally, to generally suggest ships, there is not a single shop on the line of route without its sales. So much for side-splitters, and now to business. You pass the turnstile, and fiod yourself in the department devoted to **Fioe Arts.” Fora moment you are lostin wonder. On both hands you see the most beautiful designs in fresco, which you are told, in bold gold letters, are all painted on ‘* Willesden paper.” Here is a charming view of the Sewage Works of the Native Guano Company, in which two contented cows are intro- duced with pertectly startling effect. Close A is specimen of Fine Art are some exquisitely gilded roasting-jacks, or hooks. They are so — inted and so very much like screws, that you come to the conclusion that they would have been more appropriate in a horse-show than where they are—a hall devo toPisciculture in aliits branches. Next to this great painting is an announcement your Catalogue, remember | d about somebody's Marmalade (a quaint sort of fish found in Spain and Scotland), which faces a spiri rawing of a Lady in a long cloak dancing a friendly jig with a Bear. But there are not only frescoes in this depart- ment, but framed paintings. Strange to say, these are not water-colours. However, as some of the exhibits come from a long distance, no doubt the Artists elected to preserve their works in oil. Amongst the best are several specimens from the Fishmongers’ Company. But private individuals have also been generous in their con- tributions. Amongst the rest is a Mr. Tarcet, who rather lays himself open as a mark for a joke by dub- bing himself, in large letters, a ‘* Piscatorial Artist.” He has sent a picture of a fish, which is infinitely better than some of the rougher chalk drawings so frequently discovered on the London pavements. As he modestly asks £52 10s. for this specimen of ‘“‘ piscatorial”’ art, no doubt there will be a rush of bank-note holders to the office. By the way, it is amusing to note how some of the pictures have ‘been valued by their owners. Two Mr. Danny Santer, of nearly the same size, are valued respectively at £800 and £120. The con- trast in price is very marked, as the two panine hang close together. However, as in the higher-valued desi a number of monks are represented fishing, per the = of this work of Art may be connected wi a cell. At present the pictures are not very well numbered, A label attached to the frame gives the only informa- tion, and in some cases the label is wanting, 80 that you have to fish for the subject, which, by the way, io such a place, is a very appropriate occupation. This omis- sion is noticeable in a very fine work on the wall facing the British Sea Department. Fortunately, the subject explains itself. The Artist has commemorated an occasion of no small historical interest which, hitherto, has alto- gether escaped the attention of our modern chroniclers, After a hard and not very successful day’s angling, three fishers have come to take their rest in their Inn, and to while away the time with some strange game of cards before the appearance of dinner. The three compavions are no lesser persons than the late Cuanies Dickens, Canon Oaktey, and Mr. BrapLaveu —all admirable likenesses. The Canon and the junior Member for North- ampton have been drinking some compound, to the character of which a glass, containing the shreds of alemon and some melted sugar, humorously furnishes the clue, All three are smoking long clay pipes, but Mr. Castes Dickens has been taking snuff instead of whiskey. The Artist has seized the moment when the Maid of the Inn waggishly produces some bread, cheese, beer, and a lettuce with which to frugally regale her three hung visitors. Mr. BrapLaveH denounces this outrage wit! much animation, while the celebrated Novelist regards the author of the mauvatse plaisanterie with vigorous indignation. Even the white-headed Canon seems annoyed at the unseasonable drollery. Altogether this is one of the most interesting pictures in the Exhibition, and should be purchased for presentation to the National Portrait Gallery, which is conveniently situated next oor. Another little work, also unlabelled, in this depart- ment is assuredly a perfect gem in its way. The Artist has depicted, on a small canvas, a glass nearly full of wine, which has been sipped and left hurriedly, some shell-fish of a weird character, and a dyspeptic-lookin lemon. In a few vigorous touches he has thus suggest atragedy. Need it be said after this that the missing title must be, ‘‘.4 Bad Oyster?” And now, having cast a first glance at the wonders of Art in the Exhibition, a pause can be appropriately made ae considering, on a future occasion, the beauties of ature. productions b A Bold Roman Hand. (From the Pope, who has shown himself ‘ the noblest Roman of them all,” to the Archbishop of Cashel.) Dr. Croxg, upon reflection, Make no Parnellite collection. What you’ve done you ’ve not done well, Robbing Peter to pay PARNELL. Said Leo rae TurergentH, “I am inclined to adopt a hopeful tone about Ireland, as at all events there is 20 necessity for a CRoKE.”

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May 26, 1882.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI MORE. diminished THE NEW CRAZE. Her Grace (to the Heiress, with pardonable pride). ‘‘ YoU MUST LET ME PRESENT My Son, LorD ALGERNON, TO you, Miss GoLp- He OABRIES THE BANNER IN THE SECOND ACT OF THE KING AND THE COCKCHAFER, AT THE PakTHENON, YOU KNOW!” [Defeat of the Army, the Church, the Bar, Diplomacy, Literature, Science, and Art—even young Gorgius Midas will have to hide his head | BOUND FOR MOSCOW. (From a Nervous Special.) Sknt for by the Editor of the Boomerang. Not always a delect- able experience to be sent for by the Editor of the B. The reason is generally that you omitted two epigrams of Lord RanpoLPn’s in = Parliamentary Report, or wasn’t quite up in the subject of errings (having put them all down as red) in that Leader on the Fisheries Exhibition. This time, however, I wasn’t conscious of a comma left out, and so faced the Chief without a tremor. There was no doubt about the honour conferred. Our Own Special at a Czar’s Coronation is a somebody in journalism. You can’t come down to describing living Chess Tournaments after that; and the chances are that Printing-House Square may receive you when you aresomewhere about sixty, and are an authority on statistics con- nected with the Dutch dull-trade. The Chief is amiable, too amiable, for there is a certain tender 1¢ of commiseration in his explanations that is not encouraging. It is Moscow—it is the Coronation; my foot is in the stirrup, and the Fourth Estate is my own. There is a certain diffidence though, about the Chief, which is rather disquieting. Iam not used to the Chief being diffident with me. Asarule he is rather the contrary. He asked after my wife and family in a way that, while it touched me, was a little disturbing. And I couldn’t quite see why he emphasised the fact that the Life Insurance Company, the Phenix, was a safe and accommodating one, and had advertised in the news- pepers for the last fifteen years. Still, I am to have the place nearest Czar ; and the Chief wants to know if I shall be satisfied with at a ee am satisfied ; but I didn’t know that the preparations were s0 geatly. I find that it costs ten thousand pounds to insure my life & hi ; I must make my will; my wife insists upon two er ame ® ma wyy (in case ¢ Siberia) F _there is : _— ar pro- Ceasio id me good-bye in a disgustingly affectionate manner ; and my bomb-proof breastplate has just come home with a iters bill for three thousand pounds. When it comes to the steel 2 a -. boots, I don’t think there will be much left of the on. Almost wish I hadn’t accepted the Half Million. I have just dis- covered that all the staff of the Boomerang declined the post, except an office-boy, who is too consistently beaten by a brother addicted to rum hot ; he was tired of his life, he raid. The Railway Companies want to know whether I will indulge in an iron-clad carriage. I will. It appears to be the thing, but ironclad railway carriages aren’t cheap; and the Half Million is going down rapidly. The Half Million is gone. The last protection, a body-guard of Detectives and Prize-fighters finally exhausted the subsidy; and now if anybody will give me anice quiet County Court reporter’s vee, Muscovy knows me not, and the Buomerang may send its office-boy. ‘©O Tempora!” To malign the Equator was held a bold action, | St. Stephen’s can show a more mischievous crime ; He, surely, has fathomed the depths of detraction Who’s ready to talk against Time ! CueckmatE !—The Guantio Plaids that Ladies are now wearing for dresses are said to last for a long while. Let us hope the extra- vagance of the check may prove a check upon extravagance. Roz, BroruErs, Roz !—The Fishermen who are up for the Exhi- bition, seem to be having a jovial time of it. They have been all day and every day driving about tewn in vans like a jolly set of Van Trumps. The thirteen vehicles pulled up in line at the entrance of the Ride, and the Fishermen gave three hearty cheers when they saw our Kotten Row. Odd thing for Fishermen to be pleased with. They might as well have hurrah’d on seeing a bit of bad fish.

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—— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 26, 1883, No. 440.—The Enthusiastic Chiro- podist in the East. Lady, whose bare foot is about to be operated THE ACADEMY GUY’D. upon, is nervously turning (away No.232.—A Plea forthe Channel Tunnel. After and looking out of the window. & severe crossing, Maidens arrived at Dover, Walter U. Horsley. have missed the Boat-Express. F. Dicksee, A. : No. 523.—Portrait of Sir Cross. Losing his head. By Arthur Hughes, Hubert Herkomer, A. No. 238.* Selling her Chickens. By J. Crayton Apams, The Artist has not carried out the idea suggested by his title. The Henwite should have called her chickens to her, and then not given them anything toeat. Thiswouldreally {jj ll 5\\ Coufal } have been ‘‘ selling her chickens.”’ No. 296. The Way to the Temple. \i' L. Auma-Tapema, R.A. A work of i= pure imagination. Where’s the Grif- fin? Where are the New Law Courts ? Of course some excuse may be made for a foreigner strange to London, but there can be none for the Hanging Committee, who permitted the picture to bear this title. No. 460, A Fleet Marriage. CHARLES Green. ‘A marriage made in haste aM Wa Su (AR! \ HESZ YSZ and repented at lei-ure was called a Here we pause to recommend to all which might be called the Komance of the Pictures. Take the titles and connect them by two or three verbal inks. Here is a specimen :—Take p. 6, No. 20 and following numbers; out of these cae 8 constructed Stories of the Academy, thus:— _ Don Quixote and Sancho at the Castle of the Duke break The Studio Mirror, and, with the Tide on the Turn, they board The Vessels leay- ing Harbour, and reach a spot On the Thames below Medmenham. Again, begin with No. 44, &c. Coast Scene, Brittany, Penelope at A Lobster Supper is having A Row on the East Coast with A Spanish Duellist, after which they went to her Father’s Dinner at The Entrance to a Villa near Carrara, Italy, where Storm and Flood swamped A Queen’s Scholar, Westminster, who, after catching A Turtle Dove was taking a little Rest with An Old Fatalist, painting the Portrait of a Lady. Ls Again, starting with No. 58. The Grey Lady was thinking of Crossing the Desert with a A Keal Centenarian, When the Summer Leaves are flown, while Our Eldest, Tired Out, was Going Home to St. Sebastian, Brages, to pay a Morning Visit and play A Quiet Pool with Bebelle. Begin again with No. 86. Once, on A Quiet Noon, John Collins, Esq., Senior Past Master of ath = > A OL No. 271.—Meeting of Magistrates; or, Dinner of the Fleet Marriage.” — WALKER. Beaks. Stoxy.—The Comic Bird of the party has - volunteered a recitation, and the indifference of his who keep their Cataloguesanewgame, brother Beaks angers him. W. Q. Orcbardson, R.A. Same Gallery. Story in Nos. from 250 to 258. H.R.H. The Duke of Cambridge, with his Companions, sat Under the Greenwood Tree, waiting for Jim, Grandson of Sir James Anderson, who was staying in one of the Roadside Cottages near Jedburgh Abbey, where the Still Waters run Deep, during the Evening on the Hills in North Nos. 270 to 280, The Marquis of Salisbury and Voltaire were the Stalkers in a Lonely Country at Low Tide, while Pickersgill in the Fading Light of a Sunbeam was asking The Fear Hon. John Bright, M.P., to assist him in Gathering the the Worshipful Company of Butchers, got into The Merry-go-round with i Mrs. Rodolph Hankey, Far from the busy Hum of Man. Taking No. 205, &c. An Arab Girl asked What of the War? of someone in A French Kitchen Garden, which she left to carry on a Flirtation with Topsham-on-Exe, at A Spanish Mill, In the Strictest Confidence. Here, in Gallery No. III., is a simple story in six numbers, from No. 229 to No. 234. Joey was in the Woodland with A Trumpeter, Too Late After Sundown for Wild-Duck Shooting. No. 809. The Menagerie Afloat. John Brett, A. No. 392.—The Dainty Dog; or, Where shall I take a little bit out of him first, just to begin with? Briton Riviére, R.A. _No. 294, and sequence. It was Moonrise on a Teesdale Moor when two Sisters on their Way to the Temple at Windsor on Returning from the Pasture presented the Right i et culled from The Gull Rock, Cornwall, which is e Moor-Hen, when they had parted with The Hon. Rev. E. Cank Giynw and some Daughters of Eve in a Brook in the Meadows, from which they could clearly see The Vega of Granada, The Alhambra on. W. E. Guapstong, M.P., with in the Distance, and the Countess of DALHOUSIE. ; Nos. 311 to 319. A Stranger m the; Monastery saw Count Fexpi- NAND DE LessEps eating Muflins, which suggested ‘Tender Thoughts to a Mortally- Wounded Bandit Chief exhorting his Comrades to return to an honest living in the Morning, when they could take a Love-Token and go in for Measuring Hops in & Kentish Garden with My Great Grandmother. Of course this New Game of Cata- logues is endless, and can be play by any number. The best story to win the prize.

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May 26, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL \ \\ YY \\\ — \ SEANA\\N \ \ Sa ee a GRIGSBY GIVES UP LAW AND BECOMES A WINE-MERCHANT. Scene—His West End Office. Grigsby. ‘‘ WHERE DO you Dink To-NIGHT, Pompgy ?” Pompey Bedell Junior. ‘‘ Wira Ta& Governor,” Grigsby. ‘*Don’r ToucH His CHAMPAGNE, OLD Man ! Pompey Bedeli Junior, ‘How asout THE CLarREr ?” Grigsby. ‘‘ CAN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HIS CLARET. you KNow !”” } NY NN} \ Ni I WARN you!” Doxksn’T GET IT HERE, THREE FISHMONGERS, \ THREE Fishmongers looked for a sale down West, X\\h \ In the heart of the West, when the world’s in town, Each thought of the neighbourhood paying him best Where the prices go up but never come down ; For fools will pay when they can’t buy cheap, back to the sea every day goes a heap, While the Public look on groaning. Three Stores were set up some miles from the Tower, And the fish got West all over the town, And the Middlemen cried, ‘‘ We’re in for a shower, If this goes on! Why, the price will come down! For men will dine, and—if they can—cheap, And the Public seems waking at last from its sleep— It’s so precious tired of groaning! ” Three Bankrupts are showing their empty hands, And all that they get for their pains is a frown, And a ‘‘ Serve oa right—why, ’twas your demands That for years have plundered and starved the town!” But fools grow wise, and fish can get cheap, Three halfpence a pound anywhere in the heap, And the Public has done with its groaning |! Porrry anD PatHotocy.—Mr. James RussELL LowELL says, ‘* There is no such tonic as Dants.” This opens up @ new field for Art-hobbyists. ‘*‘ The Poetic Treat- ment of Disease’? would be a taking title for a paper in the ‘‘ Transactions of the Omnivagant Society.”’ “‘ DanTE as a tonic” is sweetly suggestive. Equally so would be ‘* TUPPER as a sedative,” ‘‘ BROWNING as an irritant,” ‘TENNYSON as a demulcent,’’ or ‘‘ Oscak WILDE as an em——” Well, Mrs. RamspotHam might use the word by mistake for esthetic. EPSOM EPIGRAMS. THE STRAIGHT TIP, ‘* Here’s the straight tip,” he cried, and raised his head, ‘The Winner could be spotted by a babby. I never lose.” ‘‘ Why then, my friend,” I said, ‘** Do you look so unconscionably shabby ? ” THE LOSER. He’s sick, so he says, of the Season, And longs to be off, that is queer: I think I could tell him the reason— He’s not backed a winner this year ! NEXT MORNING, Oh, my poor head feels a load a can’t carry! Bring the soda! If result is this dyspep—— some Other chap may go to Epsom. A SHY AT THE STICKS; OR, POLITICAL KNOCK’EMDOWNS. Proprietor (ironically), Play up, Gents! Play up, Gents! Small Boy (cockily). Oh, never you fear! ‘We mean having the lot. Assistant (aside). You may find ’em come dear. Proprietor. All serene, noble Sportsmen, lots more in the sack ! First Noble Sportsman (tv Second ditto). StarF, you do not play hard enough. Lookatme! Whack!!! [ Shies big stick furiously, and misses. Second Noble Sportsman (blundly), Ah! you see those hot shots are so likely to miss ; Just a delicate tip in my style. Look at this! : [Sends in a gentle underhander, and misses. First Noble Sportsman (sardonically), Your curly ones don’t always pay, my dear chap. Small Boy (scornfully). What a pair of old crones! Ah! Z’ll show ’em. Ker-slap! [Shies smartly, and knocks over a cocoa-nut. Hooray! That’s your style! Had their eye on that one For no end of a time, and I’ve copped it. hat fun! Small Boys in Chorus. Brayvo, little Ranpy! You’ve got one at last. Second Noble Sportsman (tartly). I say, my dear Cxcit, that youngster ’s too fast. First Noble Sportsman (smilingly), Ah! think so? [eisee again orously.) Oh, hang it! It’s dropped in the bag. Assistant (replacing nut), Aha! my fine swell, Won't add that to your swag. Lor! what duffers they are. Only toilers and spinners Have strength and sure sight at this game to be winners, That a mye long run. - dieict te tetor (coolly). ay up, Gen ay up alll (Astde.) Shies like a hey are sound and milky ones! Krupp, . : That black-a-vised fellow. I know him of old. Not much of an eye though he’s dashing and bold. That tittuppy chap with the pantaloon beard, Straighter aims, but falls short. Oh. play up! Who’s afeard ? Small Boy (vociferously), Play up! Have ’em down!! Shy at everything ! ! ! ¥ es. First Noble Sportsman. If we pelt iy Hort h we shall break him, I guess. umph! The Guy’nor ts taking it easy! Assistant (aside). right ! Only,—well, we should show a good balance at night, Or the game may be crabbed, tetor (confidently). _ Don’t you kick up a fuss, he more they shy—wildly—the better for us ! Pro All Pro Sone rok THE StaBLE.—Horse Chaunting. Would equally apply to a Vocalist with a cold.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 26, 1583, SIGNS OF THE SEASON. In the Spring the Sporting Prophet once again begins to smile, In the Spring the Junior Clerk procures himself another ‘ tile.” In the Spring the Willow- wielder thinks again of Grace and SHaw, In the Sprin fancy lightly turns to thoughts of ‘jaw.’ In the Spring the pail domestic haunts the hall and blocks the stair, In the Spring the serubbing- brush is worn down to its latest hair. In the Spring the chivied Briton finds his house a damp Gehenna, In the Spring the mind mater- nal dwells on thoughts of salts and senna, In the Spring the blushful maiden sits in sentimental dreams, Tn the Spring the impecunious is aware uf shiny seams. In the Spring the callow poet tempts again the soft iambic, Inthe Spring e’en the “ Times” leader drops into the dithy- rambic ! \\ \ \\ Sensible Advice. ‘* But I am anxious to have a Stake in the a >” said a pompous young Politician. “Phen go P san to the Red Lion at Henley, and order it at once, with broiled Mush- rooms and Pommery See,” said Mr. Punch, “‘and let me know when it’s ready! ”’ *AyA Raat. © PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. the Spouter’s} = a A\\ \\\ f YY } THE WINNER OF THE DERBY, As BAoKED By OUR SpoRTING ARTIST, SORTES DERBYANA, Procure a Correct Card or list of the horses. Write the name of each hore on a paper billet. Fold the billets up singly, and put them into 4 hat, as for an ordinary sweep, Shake the hat, shut your eyes, and take out two billets at anton. with your left hand, m your peepers; write “heads” on one of the billets and ‘‘tails’” on the other, Now sky a copper, and if it comes down heads, back horse named in the billet marked ‘“‘tails’’; but should the coin turn up tails, then put your money on the quad- ruped indicated by the lot with ‘‘ heads” inscribed on it. Before extracting the billets from the hat (some advise you to) throw three pinches of salt over the left shoulder. The foregoing formula for infallibly spotting the right steed is said to have been de- rived by tradition from the betting-ring of the Isthmian Games. 137. WE are sorry to hear our old friend Mrs. RamsBorHaM has been suffering from a bad a es — it is to = 0 tha’ e * contingen' gargoyle to be taken fre- quently, and the imprecation to be rubbed well in night and morning,” as J pre oy by her Medical Attendant, will have a beneticial effect. Moprern Travet Eprto- MIsED.—Hurry, Worry, and Murray. HOLIDAY PLOTS. Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-li. Think I see my way to inflicting anoth g defeat on Government after Whitsuntide. That decision of House with regard to Income Tax Collectors was a regular knock-down blow for GLADSTONE. Quite wonder he’s able to be so cheerful at Hawarden after it. Speaking personally, I should call it not merely a defeat, but a disaster. Strange that Capers doesn’t see it in that light and resign at once. However, the next blow of this sort must finish the Ministry. Have arranged with Gorst that he is to move artful amendment to Tenants’ Com- pensation Bill—‘* House considers that Law of Distraint, if treated at all, should be dealt with in a separate measure.” This will gain votes of Radicals, who are wild with Government for not abolishing Distress altogether ; Whigs, who are glad of any decent excuse for shelving the subject ; and Home-Rulers, of course. Don’t quite like mixing with latter. Haven’t yet subscribed to Parnell Testimonial Fund. Still, they are useful sometimes, and I can chuck ’em over easily when our Party in power. With help of ordinary Opposition, led by their very ordinary leader, Starry, who’ll follow me into Lobby like a lamb, as he always does after little speech to show my motion not in the least ne oy believe I can easily beat GrapstonE! However, if that dodge fails, WotFe’s got another. In Supply, — a sa dager means >. — * ia mane Deput + nace eeper’s salary by yearly. -Gangwa icals be with rt to a Professor. eo, I can finesse a tram h, and then a glorious future opens before me! Impossible for any inistry to carry on prnes of a country when defeated on question of salary for a Deputy-Doorkeeper. Mr. Boanerges Ti Cobden Smith, M.P. Don’t care what Grapstone thinks of me. Principle before Party, Isay. If WoLFe does really propose reduction of uty-Doorkeeper’s salary, shall certainly vote with him. “* Fiat y, Ruat GuapstonE!” Don’t relish voting inst Government, but what on earth is the good of having principles, if one doesn’t assert em at most inconve- nient time? Then there’s Gorst proposing to deal with Law of Distress in separate Bill. Cordially approve of the idea, though not of Gorst. Let’s abolish Distress altogether! Distressing, of course, to vote with Fourth Party, but can’t be helped. The Parnellite Member. Down with the Tyrants of the Treasury Bench! CHURCHILL is really quite polite to us, occasionally. Can’t we get up debate on recent executions? Don’t approve of murder— oh dear, no! Still, should like to worry old Marwoop a little. Harcourt bound to defend him. There’s Wotrr’s Motion about Deputy-Doorkeeper. Rather a nice fellow, I fancy. Found him quite tender when he’s been conducting me out of the House on the trequent occasions of my suspension for insulting language. Sorry to do anything to injure Deputy-Doorkeeper’s feelings, but principle first, of course! It we can only defeat Government on this point, perhaps the hated Saxon will give us a Parliament of our own, and come and spend his money among us, too. The Hon Trevor Fitztrevor. Told to-day by Caantie at our Club (the ‘* Exclusive’) that GrapsTor® was really intriguing to sur- render Egypt to Transvaal Boers! This is dreadful, if true. — thought GLapstonz—but no, must really try and remember that was returned as a good Liberal, or at all events as a good Whig. CHABLIE says Government is foing to dish all great estates, by abolishin lor of Distress. Don’t know what Law of Distress means. Suppose some of my Constituents do. Wonder what they think about Law of Distress? All I know is that some of eg awfully angry at my vote against Affirmation Bill. Wonder CHaRie’s right when he says Birmingham fellows will have all our estates if I don’t vote ‘‘the straight ticket”—meaning, for eg Amendment. Why not stay te See Division? CHARLIES arranged an ental jolly week— Epsom, yacht to Cherbourg, I days at Paris, and back. Whips will be at me like “es go away. Hang the Whips! Hang Grapstonz too! 3 > Nags oom thoughts, must try and recollect how good a Liberal I r - just one vote can’t matter much to Government, can it? No, 8 s with CHagtig, and explain things to my Constituents if Governmen' is defeated. [And, tf this sort of thing goes on, tt possibly may be.

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—_—_—--—7"-— May 26, 188 3.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. 251 \y vit Ne ’ . a\ \\ a Ss SSN wh ANNE MNOS AN Wy ey Na . » \ aS as \\ \\ \ | AWA x Ws \ iN \ x ~w\ Ns a RNR EN WS \ EXACERBATION. She (they had quarrelled, and were exchanging back their Love-letters). ‘‘1 suppose I NEEDN'T TROUBLE TO RETURN THE Locas oF Halk YOU'VE SENT ME!”’ _[But he'd no ** sense of humour" | THE PRINCES AMONG THE FISHMONGERS. Tue dream of my erly youth, the one fond ope of my blooming manhood, and the principle hobject of my full blown wigerous egsistence is acomplisht, and I have had the crowning glory of waiting upon all the Royal Princes of the British Crown at one time ! Ah! that was a Bankwet that was! I have offen and offen had the question pas to me by elustreous forreners and strangers of distinkshun, which was the principle Guild in the hole City of London ? and I have declined to anser the question for fear of giving a fence, but after Satterday’s show up in the way of Princes and Dooks and Markisses and Embassaders and setterer, I hessitates no longer but at wunce gives the Parm Tree to the honest Fishmongers. The Prince of WHaLEs is sumbody I suppose, speshally among Fishmongers, and his al Brothers is somebody I suppose, let alone his Uncle and his Nevvy and his Cousin, and they was all there. And then comes the pint as fills me with wunder and admirashun. ‘Who was it as presided over the whole Royal and distingwished compny, a Royal Prince, a nobel Dook, a honerary Markis? no, but plane Mr. HamMpEN. And who is plane Mr. Hampgn ? Y, & meer umbel Citizen, like myself, who has to get his own living, like myself, and ! Se who is proud of the fac, like myself. The Lorp CHAMBERLAIN can’t say, with his Brummagem sneer, that he toils not neither does he spin, for he does both, if not acshally yet allegollically. And yet he has to play the host to such a lot of Royal Princes as ’ud make a lot of hungry raddikles go down on their knees even to look at. And then to hear the honest pride with which the Prince of Wass and his Royal Brethren boasted of being Fishmongers. And I declare it amost ow tears to my eyes when the poor Dook of CamBrrpGe asked so perthetically why he had been left like a fish out of water, and not honoured like his Royal Cuz- zens. I think I may wentur to prosefy that his Royal Ighness won’t have to wait long, I don’t suppose as nobody never thought asthe Fishy Exhebishun could possibly fail, but when H.R.H. drunk success to it ina glass of 1820 Bees of course that success was insured. I took care to have a glass out of H.R.H.’s bottle after he left, and it suttenly was as fine a glass of Sherry as even I ever tasted, though it was growed before ever H.R.H. or me was borne. I have offen noticed as Revrend Gentlemen injoys a dinner and likes a bit of fun as well as a Common Councilman himeelf. Why even a Bishop has his little joke sum- times on these intresting ocashuns. But I couldn’t help thinking as Mr. LowELt was rather a drawing the arrow wen he said as how he wunce caught a fish in Ameriky as cost three dollars a inch! I should like to be a patient angler in that River mvself, H.R.H. the Duke of Epnvsoro would of course as a Royal Prince scorn to say nothink as wasn’t strickly true, but he suttenly took the breath away from a good many of us Waiters, as well as from a good many other of the principle guests, when he told us that in Horsetria, insted of the farmers having the same rowtation of crops as they has here, they acshally grows one year Oats, and the nex year Tummets, and the nex year Fish. Ah that must be summut like a Crop that must; speshally as sum of the Fish is 6 foot long. I think of the two this rayther beat the Story of the Revrend Minister from Ameriky. H.R.H. the Duke of Connovent gave the toast of the evening namely the Logp Mane and Copperashun, and the Lorp Mark made the German Ambassider quite start on his chair, tho he is 6 foot 3 high, by telling em all as he and the Copperashun together had spent three millions of golden suvereigns in build ing Markets, and yet people wasn’t sattisfied. Brown said as his hart was in his mouth for fear as any of the Royal Princes should drop a nint about the rayther scrowged con- dishun of triumfant Billinsgate, but I had no such fear. If our Princes ain’t Gentle- men, I should like to know who is, and if a Waiter don’t know a gentleman when he sees him, 1 should like to know who does, and one trew Gentleman never makes an- other trew gentleman uncumfertable. For picturesk effect and hartistic merit, I never seed anythink like the gorgeous row of Royal Gentlemen behind the Princes’ cheers. It was reelly sumthink amost sub- blime. I don’t mind confessing that for wunce I was jest a little bit enwious, but it was only for a moment. o nose what awful responserbility rests on their broad eppauletted shoulders ! RoBERT, Tue Svurtan has not got a bet this year on the Derby, as the only information he can get is from the False Prophet, who has Soudanly turned up again for the Racing ason.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 26, 1883, HEARD ON THE HILL. Dick. What’ll win? Why, it is all hover, bar the shouting. ?Arry. Lor, now! and how do you know that? Dick. ’Ow do I know that?—why, from reliable information ; that’s ’ow I knows that. A cove wot’s in the swim, and ought to know his way about, seeing he has been fined at Bow Street for assaulting the Police, ’e ’eard Lord Fatmoura say to Harcuer, **T’ll stand you the best dinner that money can procure, if you gets his ’ead in front.” So’ere goes my money on Gallihard. ' *Arry. And mine. Lor, what a lot you know! You weren’t born yesterday! First Sporting Prophet. What have you gone for, old man ? Second Sporting Prophet. Beau Brummel and Ladislas, And you? First Sporting Prophet. Galliard and The Prince. Second Sporting Prophet. Ah! And backed them ? First Sporting Prophet. Me! No; I have got apile on Splendor. What do you fancy yourself ? : Second Sporting Prophet. Hamako carries my money. Our Cheerful Punter. What have ev done, CHARLIE? Charles his Friend. Backed every beast in the race. Our Cheerful Punter. What will do you most good ? Charles his Friend. Nothing will do me any good. Whatever horse wins, I must lose. Green. Here is my ticket. I want £7 10s. Brown of Sheffield. You want £7 10s.! Vell, I’opes as’ow you'll git it. Bat you have no chance ’ere; so cut. Green. Bat I made the bet with you. Brown of Sheffield. I loathes a thief, but I’ate a liar. Let ’s see your ticket. There it is, in nice small pieces. Now, you ’ook, before I send for the Police. Look ’ere, this hinnocent cove has been trying a ramp on! Crowd. Welsher! Killhim! Welsher! Green. Gentlemen, Gentlemen, you are pulling me to pieces! I must really protest. Please do not knock my hat over my head like that. I do wish you would not tear my clothes to ribands. The are the best suit I have. Oh! who has been ungentlemanly enoug to break my nose and front teeth? Help! Murder! Police! Confidential Friend. Is it all right ? Upright and Honest Jockey. We ain’t trying a yard to-day. Sportsman. How did rm come down, old Chappie ? Masher. Don’ know, don’ care! Sportsman. But you must know whether you came down by the road or rail. Masher. Bat Tdon’t. ? Ave drink ? stage-door! Introduced. Oh, I say, you know that capital fellow you intro- duced me to. I have backed The Prince with him. Introducer. I don’t think you were wire to do that. Introduced. But you said he was all right. Introducer. Well, as all right as anybody is nowadays. Introduced. How do you mean? Introducer. Well, he’ll worry you like mad for the money if you lose, and he is certain not to settle if you win. First Unknown. What, you here? Second Unknown. Hush! Iam in London, on business connected with the parish. First Unknown, Ah, I am at a May meeting. But what’s the matter ? Second Unknown, I thought I saw my Curate over there. First Gilded Youth. What are you standing ? Second Gilded Youth. Ladislas. First Gilded Youth. What price ? Second Gilded Youth. Don’t know. First Gilded Youth. What, didn’t you go in the Ring yourself ? Second Gilded Youth, I go inthe Ring! Do you think I would goin the Ring? Why, I took the knock last Houghton. Simple-minded Individual. There, you fellows, while you’ve been gadding about, I have arranged the sweep beautifully. You’ve got a blank, Jones; so you have, Brown; you’ve got Prince Maurice, Smith; you’ve got Hamako, Rostnson; you’ve got Tyndrum, JACKSON; you’ve got Newfield, THompson. I have drawn The en Ladislas, Galliard, and the Field. Hadn’t we better have mune Disconsolate Plunger. Hang the horses! Well, it’s got to come out of somebody’s pocket, if a church has got to be robbed. I don’t care. Heapsh of Boy, cap’al party. go and see horshes come out of Awful jolly. Where are we ? Leteh —_——..., “THE BELLS.” A Reminiscence of the Revival of May 12, 1883. ACT I. THE snow lies on the hill-side, and the travellers are few. ** This very night, long years ago,” quoth Huns, *‘ the Polish Jew Was murdered.”’ So the gossips talk, and Mathias sits there— What is it stops the hand that lifts the glass? What makes him glare? It is because he hears the sound, his endless horror tells, : Unheard by other ears than his, the jangling of the Bells! ACT II. Annette shall marry Christian, a brave and gallant lad ; We’ll count the girl her dowry out—i’faith it’s not so bad; Here’s one old coin among the rest—my eyes are glazed and dim— No! No! There ’s blood upon that piece—the gold that came from m: Then comes the gay betrothal feast, but mid the music swells, Unheard by other ears than his, the jangling of the Bells! ACT III. Sleep soundly, Mathias, to-night, in that thou sleep’st alone, And not a soul can hear thy cry, or agonising groan ; But oh! the horror of that dream !—the Judges sit for doom, And thou must act in broad daylight the murder done in gloom. They burst the door! What fearsome fate the dying man compels To hear, unheard by other ears, the jangling of the Bells! 7 * * * = * And when the Curtain has rung down, and all the play is o’er, The memory of that night, methinks, will live for evermore ; We see the Actor’s earnest face, his agony supreme, That — us through and through, and holds us breathless in the ream. While in our ears for many a day thereafter certes dwells The tintinnabulation of those well-remembered Bells ! HOLIDAY HAUNTS. By Jingle Junior on the Jaunt. Tue Dersy. J.J. retired from business? Nothing of the sort! Laid up in lavender all the Winter—turns out in lavender kids in the Spring. Here he is—slim and trim—light and bright—down to any move you please—up to any time of day you like! Wonderful sight—crowds of people—superb horses—tine carriages—gipsy sing+rs—nigger minstrels—blue veils—false noses—Dutch dolls and knovk’emdowns! Shrieking bookmakers — steam roundabouts —three-card trick— thimble-rig—swings —shows —rifle-galleries—free fights and photo- graphers! J.J. all here—all there—all everywhere! Betting in the Riog—Jounging in the Padduck—laughing on the Lawn—lunch- ing on the Hill! Lay against the Favourite—back the Favourite— put the pot on outsiders—stand crackers on insiders—Jay on the field—roll on the field—dance on the field—bar everything! Lounging and lunching—musing and munching — state of the odds—exhausting, very! What’s the odds as long as you’re lunching? Lunectamo! Cold salmon—cold lamb —superb salad—plovers’ eggs— mayonnatse— champagne! State of the odds unsatisfactory—odds not behavi well—odds pretending to be evens—don’t know whether they ’re od evens or even odds—can’t tell till the numbers are up—can’t see numbers when they are up—someone lend me a ylass—nonsense, can’t drink champagne out of a race-glass—can’t focus a tumbler— hooray! Told you so—won ina decanter! Send postage-stamps for ‘* Jingle’s Finals,” and your fortune ’s made! From Our REsERVED-FORCE-STALLER AT THE HAYMARKET.—An enthusiastic admirer of Mrs. BeRNHARDT-BEERE says, that the original Sara who played the part was so thin she ought to have been styled Ji/-Fedora. Certainly our English Artiste has the advantage over Saka in this respect, though of course being always Beere she can never be Stout. Noa is the name of one of the Chess Champions. He is a lineal descendant from the great Patriot — no, we mean Patriark who invented Chess to wile away the diluvian evenings in the Noa Lightship. He taught his family to play on the square, and to be above-board in all their moves, Mrs. RamsBoTHaM says she takes a Pint of Stout everv day to keep up her Stammerer. @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether by s Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, he returned, unless sccompanisd Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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—_—_— Jone 2, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. GROSVENOR GALLERY GEMS. WOOSS a! 7 Vira AA \ y \Y Y ‘\ \\ AY ” = No. 140. The Undecided Bather. “ Shall I undress and go in? ”’ David Carr. D-carrative Art. No. 156. Stung by Wasps: all of them, except the young Lady who kept her head covered. Mra. K. Name evidently suggested the subject :—‘* Has stings.” No. 179. “Drunk again!”” By Haynes Willi G. Hastings. Artist’s lYou Ane | REQUESTED | ' NOT TO TOK) me Figures [A No. 14. Enjoying a Quiet Pipe. E. Burne-Jones—or She Burn Tobacco. work Figure out of Doors. No. 9. Youth and Age. C. E. Hatr&. Needn’t stop long at this. Hallé vous en to— No. 22. The Postpran- dial Venus; or, Fair, Fat, and decidedly Forté. No. 35. Young Lady in her Velveteens. W. B. RICHMOND, Handsome, but slightly bilious: yet ‘* T’d crowns resign To call her mine This Lass of Ricumonp ill.”’ No. 39. Portrait of Miss Ellen Terry as Portia. We compliment Mrs. LovtsE JOPLING on a capital likeness. But did Miss E. Terry dress it in scarlet? In black, if we remember aright: so we apostrophise this picture with— *O ruddier than the Terry!” No. 52. ‘“*‘ Late May.” We were not aware the Is our Mister C. C.,”— well-known theatrical cos- So we bowed to our broad-backed Carr. tumier of Bow Street had ‘e changed his name. What isitnow? Natwan late May? Ask the Artist, Mrs. Jou CoLzizr. No. 67. Puzzle Picture by Mr. E. Burne-Jonzs. Giantess and melancholy, small, corpse-like people at a wheel. Apparently sym- bolical of “* Weal and Woe.” No. 89. Congestion. Probably intended as a companion to Sir Josnva’s Resignation. The Artist has evidently “done a bit of No. A.1. ‘Carr and Gee Gee’’—our own contribution to the collection, dedicated to Mr. Comyns Carr, of the Grosvenor Gallery. When first we had twelve pennies, *Twas on a holiday, We went to see the Grosv’nor G., Intending for to pay. But when we had a Meduide pass, We walked with lightsome spring, We said we’ll raise A hymn of praise— To Comyns Carr we’ll sing. When we asked where’s our broad-backed Carr, The Man at the turnstile bar Said, “ The Boes of the G. No. 42. Deception ; or, Trying the Effect of a Moving Wax- Tread on his toes, and the old Gentleman will move his arm and head. E.F. Brewtnall. No. 143. Either the jealous Artist going to cut out his rival’s work, or the fierce Critic about to cut up somebody’s picture. Mrs, John Collier. A aes SONS 5 ee TTR AAAG 5 UTM dis has Wctesonnaaidivh cma A No. 184. Female Christys rehearsing in the daytime. Corner Women rather sulky. E. Burne-Jones. stiff.”” We can’t help being Frank with Hort, when we say it’s Holl wrong. ‘* When Holl (O Art!) shall wear a mask, It breaks our own to see ””—this by Frank Hott, R.A. : No. 139. ‘* Spring in Brittany.” We see the river. Where’s the spring? H. H. LarHanevr. ni No. 151. Dressed for an nar Burlesque. Waiting for the Lord Chamberlain’s approval. JoHN CoLLIER. No. 154. Old t teaching the young idea how to smoke. J. R. Rew. No. 174. George Henry Lewis, Esq. Done brown for the first time in his life. By W. B. Ricumonp. ips No. 180. Ernest Hart, Esq. Painted by Subscription, and Sub- scription has done it very well. The subscribers won’t feel inclined to say to Mr. Hott, ‘‘ Take back the Hart that thou gav’st me!” ScutprurE.—No. 365. A Portrait Bust! Did it? Pick up the pieces. This is our advice to W. B. Ricnmonp. VoL. LXXXIV.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. << [June 2, 1883,

THE WISH 10 PLEASE! ‘“‘On! How DO You DO, MY DEAR Miss ROBINSON, 80 GLAD TO SEE YOU LOOKING 80 WzELL/ BY THE WAY, HOW LOVELY YOU LOOKED AT MY DANCE EVERYBODY WAS ASKING WHO YOU WERE, I AssURE you!” I wap A Bap Cotp anv SorE THROAT, YoU LAST WEDNEsSDayY ! ee TI? Know !” I—I—I wasn’T THERE ! THE RATIONAL DRESS SHOW,

(By Our Fair Correspondent.) In the Hall of the Prince is a Show—stufis and chintzes— (O Maidens of England, pray list to my song!) For all there displayed is a warning that Ladies, In matters of dressing, are terribly wrong! I thought my new bonnet, with roses upon it And tasteful costume, was complete, I confess ; But now I’m reminded my eyes have been blinded To all the requirements of Rational Dress! We look at the models—they puzzle our noddles— Regarding them all with alarm and surprise! Each artful costumer revives Mrs. BLooMER, And often produces an army of guys.

The costume elastic, the dresses gymnastic, The wonderful suits for the tricycle-ess— Though skirts be divided, I’m clearly decided, It isn’t my notion of Rational Dress ! See gowns hygienic, and frocks calisthenic, And dresses quite worthy a modern burlesque ; With garments for walking, and tennis, and talking, All terribly manful and too trouseresque ! And habits for riding, for skating, or sliding, With ‘‘ rational” features they claim to possess ; The thought I can’t banish, they ’re somewhat too mannish,

And not quite the thing for a Rational Dress ! Note robes there for rinking, and gowns for tea-drinking, For yachting, for climbing, for cricketing too ; The dresses for boating, the new petticoating, The tunics in brown and the trousers in blue. The fabrics for frockings, the shoes and the stockings, And corsets that ne’er will the figure compress: But in the whole placeful there’s little that ’s graceful And girlish enough for a Rational Dress ! Tis hardy and boyish, not girlful and coyish— We think, as we stroll round the gaily-dight room— A masculine coldness, a brusqueness, a boldness, Appears to pervade all this novel costume ! In ribbons and laces, and feminine graces, And soft flowing robes, there ’s a charm more or less— I don’t think I’ll venture on dual garmenture, I fancy my own is the Rational Dress !

Fisnine For A Repty.—(From a Correspondent).— Please, Sir, will the Lorn CHancettor take the oppor- tunity offered by the present Fisheries Exhibition to show the Great Seal ?

NOTES BY PLEASMAN X. AT CUMBERLAND GATE. Gxap to come here on dooty, ’cos, bein’ a pote, I can pass the dreemy ours away cumposn songs to Mary Hanne. T’other Constabel come later. ’Ad chat with him, but he ain’t nosole for potry. an ’as ’is hone Mary Hanns to look out for. ’Is comes from Oxfut Street: mine I xpex from Kumblan Plaice. Lots of omnibuses, carts, and cabs. Most of the female sex in a ’urry ’ere, and wants to go on by ’bus. Lots of elderlies as gets frightened and loses theirselves, but that ain’t nuthin’ tome. Nuthin’ to do, and t’other Constabel bein’ some distance off, can’t get no emusin conversation. No nuts worth speakin’ of at this time o’ year. Keep a look out for Mary Hanne. If you’ve a heye for the pickcheresk, Oxfut Street’s a pretty sight, and Bays- water’s another, while the Edgware Road and Kumblan Plaice and the Marbel Arch is things of booty as is a joy for ever, but I’d rather see Mary Hanne. Hallo! while I’ve been jottin’ down these reflekshuns there’s a difficulty. A cart’s been run into by a’bus, somebody’s been knocked down, there ’s a ram-jam block in the middle of the road, korsd I xpex by some carelessnss on the part of those as is all comin’ out o’ five differing thurrughfares at once. What’s a Please- man todo? Run somebody in, or take somebody’s number? Don’t know— if they get theirselves in a scrape they’d best get out of it. Ican’t’elp’em. Evins ’elps them as ’elps theirselyes, and you can’t ’ave better ’elp than that. _Jest as I’ad got the fust line of a werse to Many HANNE, sumwun hintrups my hinsperashun, cuss im. It’s a Inkwestrine on ’Orse- back got stuck up and just bein’ run into by a Ansom o’ one side, a cart 0 t’other, a ’bus at his back, and a barrow in front. ‘ Pleas- man!” he cries; ‘‘’ere, why don’t you keep the rode clear when you

see a Gentleman anorseback comin’ ?’’ I says nothin’ but looks the other way as if peering into the distint fushur. Let the old Gent cuss and swear, can’t stop orl traffick for him. Who’she? He ain’t a Pote. He don’t come up and say, ‘‘ Look here, you’re a werry hard worked and zellus offiser, and here’s five bob for you,” as the real Swells do at night down in Waterloo Place. No, no—my bisniss is to tell foax to ‘move on,” and not to keep a stoppin’ traflick because a’orsman arx me. If he’s nervus what’s he out ridin’ for? Why can’t he wait till the rode ’s clear ? : Hallo! blessed if there ain’t a ’orse down and a Lady Inkwestrine ’avin’ a fit and her groom a callin’ out to me and swearink. ‘‘ Pleas- man, here—stop the cart—take up this man—stop this ’bus—he’s a runnin’ over us!” No—ow can one poor offiser attend to a ’underd things at the same time? Impausible. I’ve ’eerd of Masterly inakshun. That’s me. I looks the other way : I sees nothink: I do nothink : I let my mind wander on to potry and sublime subjicks 0 that sort while I’m a waitin’ for MARY HANNE as ought to ha’ been ’ere a our ago, but she isent. Which way will she come? 1’ma lookin’ out for Many Hanne, and I says to myself in the words of the Pote which 1 adaps for the okashun— T let ’em all mix, In a regular fix, They ’ll get out as best they can, For the Peeler on guard Is a wanderin’ Bard, Who’s dreamin’ of Mary Hanne. I let the crowd wait Near Kumblan Gate, | And no one can get through it, I’m sent to prevent An accident, . And this is the way I do it :

New Harness For THE Ecyprran Donxey.—A Baring-rein.

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Pe Joxz 2, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. oo f Foe-~ Lor . “ ekelen wruleg Fe Crete gacte & 44,/; fa amv tire «/- Y 40 ML far-Z 4 QQ, “se err I’ the party that they know, Tiddy fol lol, Tiddy fol lol, Too well at the W.O., Tiddy fol lol, Tiddy fol lol ; And though no one says I’m vain, I’m in hopes I’ve made it plain, That I’ve been to Drury Lane, Tiddy fol lol, Tiddy fol lol! “TIDDY FOL LOL.” (Encore Verse and Chorus, as sung with immense success by Lord W-ls-l-y, accompanied by General Sir Favourite R-b-rts.) .— Lue [filerts ee Chorus. I’ve got some thousands a year, Tiddy fol lol, Tiddy fol lol ; I made them at Tel-el-Kebir, Tiddy fol lol, Tiddy fol lol. I was always in the van, and so many risks I ran,— That I’m now a Sandwich Man, Tiddy fol lol, Tiddy fol lol! WILLIAM CHAMBERS. Berors the well-earned Knighthood came death’s night. But honoured names, though with no title dight, Live on in Public love’s unclouded light. Gee”—or Grosvenor Gallery Exhibition. TuE Horse Show Exhibition is not another name for the “ Gee- | ATHLETICS FOR THE EAST. A.THouGH Orientals are not generally conspicuous as athletes, it is hoped that, thanks to the initiative of the Prince of Watxs and Lord NortTHBROOK, they will henceforth go in freely for the use of the Indian Club. Mrs. RamsporHam says she thinks that a good effect in a London garden is some Stuffy-nuses treined on a wall.

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— a CHARIVARIL. [Jonz 2, 1883, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON A SOLUTION. Visitor ( frequent—Scientific Young Man—he was now trying to explain the Philo- sophy of Positivism). ‘*1 ADMIT THE QUESTION IS ABSTRUSE AND COMPLIO——’’ She, *‘ Way not ‘Pop’ iT!?” [ Tableau, OUR OFFISHIAL GUIDE, Part Il1,—GastRonomic. Berore the South Kensington Building was opened, the general impression on the mind of the British Public was that, with the unbarring of the portals, would commence a new era for the fish consumer. It was assumed that the Exhibition was to ‘‘ bring down” the price of salmon, soles, eels, and turbot. The masses were to be regaled for next to nothing on “‘ the harvest of the sea,” and epicures were to revel economically on all sorts of rare and expensive piscatorial entrées. Unhappily, the pleasant vision was merely a dream, for it is now certain that the typical cheap fishmonger is a delusion, if not a snare. The seeker for an uncostly Greenwich dinner can at any rate soon find the dining saloons. These are to his left as, after passing the principal entrance, he walks through the ery devoted to British Sea Fisheries. He must be careful though which department he selects, or he will be maddened with the suggestion of a waiter that he should partake of ‘the half-crown cold-meat dinner,” or enjoy ‘‘the unlimited supply of cake,” which is the principle feature of the eighteenpenny tea. Say that he finds himself in the proper room, and cheerily asks for the fish dinner. ‘Fish dinner, Sir!” exclaims a waiter, in a tone which proves that the suggestion comes upon him with the force of perfect novelty. ‘* Yes, Sir, if you like— but there’s ox tail and mock turtle soup, and the beef is in first-rate condition.” ‘**] want neither meat nor soup,” replies the greedy and hungry one. ‘‘I am here to eat fish—I want a fish dinner.” ‘** Yes, Sir?” interrogatively suggests the waiter, and then, apparently pulling himself together to formulate the required but novel meal, he adds, confidentially, ‘Tell you what, Sir,—take the ‘ Maynoo’ and choose three ‘follers’ ; that’s what you can do, Sir,—choose three ‘ follers.’ ”’ Thus urged, the would-be diner glances at the bill of fare, and finds that the refreshments are under the direction of a well-known firm of contractors, and that the viands, &c., set down, are those usually found in the programme of a City or West-End Restaurant. The three ‘ follers’ are small dishes of fish —such as brill, salmon, whitebait, and cod. It has been known for a waiter (either under orders, or on his own responsibility) to offer to furnish a fourth **foller.” The entertainment (as they say at the Theatre) to conclude with Gruyére cheese, and. pulled bread. Price three shillings —waiter not included. But if. the fish dinner—so far as its cheapness is con- cerned —is disappointing, a thousand times more irritatin, isthe Fish Market. At any rate, here the British Public had aright to expect something extremely economical, On entering the Annexe, devoted to the furtherance of piscatorial reform, the visitor is struck with the names of the salesmen. Familiar titles from Cheapside, Bond Street, and the Strand appear on every hand, Seemingly, the Managers of the Exhibition let out the stands in ‘the Cheap Fish-Market” to the highest bidders. Be this as it may, a very small reduction is effected in West-End prices, and, on the whole, quota- tions average lower at the Army and Navy Auxiliary Stores. And yet the Public, fondly fancying that they are purchasing fish on exceedingly advantageous terms, flock to the counters and tender their gold and silver in exchange for baskets of the regulation pattern. To- wards the evening some of the salesmen shout out such bargains as “‘six bloaters going for sixpence,” much to the interest of an excited crowd of sightseers. The market is strongly suggestive of an ordinary English- man, in fancy dress, trying to enter into the “‘ spirit of the thing” at a Parisian opera masked ball. In fact, the whole affair is theatrical and unreal. There is alsoa Foreign Fish Market situated in an out-of-the-way corner in rear of the Aquarium. However, the site of this insti- tution is of no very great importance, for the simple reason that at present the building is used as a lumber room. Altogether, the Committee may be congratulated on performing a miracle. Their market is square in shape, and yet it strongly resembles a ring. Lastly, before leaving the Exhibition, it is necessary for the sake of completeness, to refer to the School of Cookery. This excellent institution is situated just beyond the hall devoted to the sixpenny luncheon (said to be very good, but, as a rule, inaccessible without a hand-to-hand fight with thousands of would-be sixpenny- lunchers), and is under the charge of a fatherly- ooking individual, who puts you into a place where “‘ you can get a good view of the demonstration” with all the solemnity of a gastronomic pew-opener. The Lady Superintendent wears a neat costume, garnished with a good deal of white muslin, and illustrates her lecture practically. She is very deliberate with her statements, and as she makes a long pause between each of her sen- tences, the effect is that of extreme jerkiness. The lecture is something like the following :— Lady Superintendent (smiling). I am now going to fry a slip. (Greedy Man in the audience puts on his spectacles, and stands up.) I take the slip and cover it with some beaten-up eggs. Lady ona front bench seems much surprised.) I beatuptheeggsthus. (Beats them up—long pause, Masher makes a mental note of the welltn.s Gon I paste the slips like this. (Pastes them—long pause—little girl yawns, and is reproved by her mother.) With a paste-brush is the best. (Longer use—Greedy Man deeply interested.) And I have some end-crente in this bag. They should be sifted freely —(Long pause)—or else they become mouldy. I dip the slips into the bread-crumbs—(Ezciting operation—Greed Man all attention.) —and then I put them into this clarified fat. (Greedy Man becomes so interested that he approaches the table and smells the compound.) It seems a great deal but it is more economical in the end. (Severai Ladies in the audience make notes in their pocket-books.) And when the slips are cooked—(Long pause)—I garnish them with fried parsley. (Zong pause.) Here it is. (The Slips are finished, and the Greedy Man gloats over the picture.) And now I we will grill a mackerel with maitre d’hétel sauce. I take the fish, cut it open, and remove the backbone. [And the lecture is continued with longer pauses than ever, and to the ever-increasing excitement of the Greedy Gentleman in spectacles, And now, having turned aside in the Exhibition fora moment to discuss the material provisions for the body, it is most desirable to return as speedily as ible to a consideration of the ethereal food for the mind ; emphati- cally ‘the mind,” as we are not going to be induced to make the sole joke which is usually served up on such al occasion. By an Intenprine BacHELor oF NaTuRAL ScrENCE.— Lots of people will go in for the ‘ B.N.8,” (‘ B. an’ 8.”) degree, if this warm weather developes in June.

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Juns 2, 1883,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 257 A CRY FROM THE SHOP! Waar is this they are saying of Commons in Kent as free as the air to the poor we pity ? With thousands of acres of golden gorse given up at the will of an opulent city ? Is it true in the blue of the Caterham Vale they have settled a mighty estate for ever On the heirs to come of the toiling town, that tyrant force cannot change or sever ? Have they driven away, with his trowel and hod, the builder of houses they call “‘ genteel,” And granted a gift of the tields of God to the women and men who in gratitude kneel At the foot of the throne of the great King Lud, who, in regal fashion, without set speeches, Has purchased peace for the Epping glades, and solitude given to Burnham Beeches ? It is well, “e Brothers—these things are done, with the aid of wealth, for the good of the — top Just listen! For high above chorus of praise is heard a complaint—’tis a cry from the Shop! We hear very much of the rich and the poor, of vonflict of capital, class against class, Of Fashion that saunters in parks at the West, whilst the East may not treasure an acre of grass. When a holiday comes, be it ‘‘ Derby” or not, just a feast of St. Lubbock when energies sink The — puts on his sanctified tone, and declares we do nothing but guzzle and Ink, It is kindly assumed that the sea and the sky, the woods and the fields with their emerald green. Do not gladden men’s eyes at the days as they are, or recall the delights of the days that have en. But . never do hear when the summer-time comes of the women and men who are fettered 0 SOrrOW At the tyrannous heels of a bullying trade that is all to-day and has no to-morrow ; Of the luckless slaves in a land that is free, where the terrible traders never say ‘‘Stop!” _ For nee may shine, and the trees may wave, but hearts they must break with despair in e Shop We see you pass, when the sultry day has changed to an exquisite afternoon, Away from town to pleasure and play, through blossoming May and flowering June ; We follow your steps as the fancy leads, and hear your merriment down the street,— You take our thoughts to the breezes pure, and leave us here in the blinding heat. When the traffic outside has a lazy air, and the glaring pavement ’s hard and gritty, When business fades like the goods we sell, and we’re left to groan in the lonely City, Do you never once think, you women and men who jauntily speed to your parks and pleasure, Of the weary souls you have left behind with their tedious tape and tiresome measure ? Does it never strike any for Charity’s sake one coin of thought in our tills to drop, That py | be free as our brothers are free, of the toil and the town, of the street and the op It is nothing to us that the gorse is gold, that Epping is free and the Burnham Beeches, We care so little that woods are cool, or the river has rest on its dreamy reaches ; It is only in dreams that the cricketers shout in far-off meadow-lands miles away, It is only hope that brings to an end the terrible close of a pitiless day, We seize the blinds and we dra them down, to darken the cheat of the blinding sun, We face despair when the day begins, and sigh our thanks when the day is done. It were better for us if the heaven grew black, and the blue of the sky were clouded o’er, feel the hush of the silent streets, and see the Sun at the open door ; Oh! hear us, Brothers and Sisters, too! You have hearts like ours; so in mercy stop, And listen a little to those who plead, in suppliant tone, this cry from the Shop! HARLEQUIN SACRED JACKASS ; OR, THE SLEEPING BUMBLES IN THE WOOD. Tus = but_not very popular Pantomime, has been revived at the Strand, in the height of the London Season, with the success that usually attends the Parochial Drama. The audiences have been numerous, if not very select, and the language used occasionally has been decidedly unfit for publication. The Opening Scene, called ‘‘ Caos 1s Come AqaIn,” is a marvel of realistic arrangement, and quite worthy of being studied by those Stage Managers who are rapidly replacing the scene-painter with the stage-carpenter and bricklayer. The et of Slumbering Navigators is one of the most dreamy things ever seen out of the Land of Lotos-eating, and the calm of the reclining workmen, who lie on their backs, with their pipes in their mouths, and their caps half-drawu over their eyes, while the howling traflic nirugles past them on either side, is perfectly statuesque and supernatural. e Chairman of the District Board of Works, who fills the arduous ré/e of Clown, has eelly never ay —t —_ ™ ays of ae, and _ part X. ao is admirably another Member of the Board—a sho r shop is luckily in another ot les My ee ee i th The way the water was suddenly cut off from restaurants and theatres—especially from eatres, which are supposed to want water to put out incessant fires—was one of the funniest ae we have seen in the whole range of pantomime. the : is impossible to grasp all the manifold beauties of this performance at one visit, but road and reckless humour is obvious at a glance. The gentleman who plays the Demon ~~ Net ena ge sen ig Sore is not eemeged - the > —- in his Part, nd th of Condemn payers is a very forcible an amatic production. e Plece is sure to run to the end of the Season. , . of pine. Y secimegerag says so denn's eo 3 M paises, best she must read that Article : HURCHILL’ 9 : f Q Rational Dress Improvement Show. antle of Eliza, which she supposes is about the ee A LAY OF MODERN RUSSIA. Czar ALEXANDER RoMANOFF, By all his Saints he swore His Gala Day at Moscow Should be ae no more; By all his Saints he swore it, And settled it for May, And sent his invitations forth, To East and West, to South and North,— But didn’t name the day. To every Court in Europe The invitation comes, And thoughtfully is scanned throughout With frequent ‘‘ Hahs!’ and ‘‘ Hums!” Shame on the doubting Monarchs o fear the Kremlin’s dome, And rather than be blown to bits Prefer to stay at home. But well the courtly footmen ; Have worked with might and main, While flags and incandescent lamps Pour in by every train: Till for the meanest attic The richest Noble strives, As just before the Czar turns up, reat G.A.S. arrives. And now the splendid pageant Bursts on the gaping crowd, And in a million savage throats Barbaric cheers are loud; ’ While through their midst, upon his steed, Their Czar comes prancing by, And gives the Nihilistic boast For once, at least, the lie! Then up speaks, at a distance, Great London’s mighty Mayor : ‘* Well, really now, upon my word, I hardly call this fair ; Here’s Kalmucs, and ali sorts of chaps; Flags, banners, and gold lace! Which things,—except at one big show, I count most out of place! ‘* Yet seeing all this blaze and blare, Makes one reflect on fate ! To institutions, worse the luck, A smash comes soon or late ;— If so, can one die better, Than crying, ‘ What’s the odds?’ While dining ike his fathers, And yelled at by the gods! ** Upon my word, this Russian Czar Must feel a bit like me; r And wonder when the smash will come, And when the end will be. Perhaps we shouldn’t quarrel If both our tales were told ; Our little game is just the same, To go on as of old. ‘So let him have his Tartars, His flankeys,—ride his horse ! I’ll have my men in armour, My Mace, my Tartar Sauce ! Three cheers then for his Russian show ;— Be hanged if I will scold ! The Czar,—Lorp Mayor, we’re just the pair To go on as of old . But when the question ’s opened, And men have got the wit To calmly solve all problems, To see that all things fit ; When the nations of the future All their nobler instincts rouse, And the peoples have grown civil As the despots make their bows ; When the gimcrack of mere pageant, And the deeper moral gloom _ Have, with rotten things that perish, Gone for ever to their doom ; Half in scorn and half in laughter Will the story still be told How a Czar was crowned at Moscow Like his ancestors of old! -

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Se ee Sa PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. PARKINSON, WILKINSON. TOMLINSON N) Hh ] / ) A INMN ! A CAUTION TO SPECIMENS OF THE KIND OF Max A Farr MAIDEN IS TIPTILT HER NOsE AT WHEN 8HE'S EIGHTEEN, APT TO | SCROCES CunAins!! GILES!!! = ¥ , Ny YOUNG LADIES. SPECIMENS OF THE KIND OF MAN SHE WILL PERHAPS BE ONLY TOO DELIGHTED TO MARRY, WHEN SHE’s THIRTY, BeTweEn THE TWO MAY BE SEEN A LIKENESS OF THE IDEAL OF HER DREAMS, WHO, YOUNG AS HE IS, HAS ALREADY SURPASSED Mr, Giapstoxg, Mr, Tennyson, Lorp Wo.sELry, Mr. Mutais, Mr. SANTLEY, Mr, Irvine, Mr. Grace, EpwaRD HANLON, AND EVERYBODY ELSE IN ALL THEIR RESPEOTIVE ACHIEVEMENTS, —AND WE HAVE NEVER MET HIM, His Name 1s Ta.sot Crecit STANLEY DE MONTMORENOCY LE VAVASSRUR THE ENRAGED MUSICIAN. ScenE—The Parliamentary ‘‘ Quiet Street.’ Grand Old Musician at Window with Score of ** Liberal Policy.”’ Outside, a chari- vart of conflicting Noises. Enraged Musician loquitur— Atas! for my beautiful Symphony, ‘‘ Liberal Policy” ! Hoped to have finished it. Now, of such hopes I the folly see. Harmony? Bah! It evades all my efforts, p/us GRANVILLE’s. HanvDEL might symphonise clanging cacophonous anvils, WaenEr find motif for tone-poems e’en in tornadoes, But to blend Phidian friezes and stiff High-Art dados Were but the simplest of tasks as compared with the labour Of working out harmony here! Just as well be the neighbour Of stithy-swart Vulcan, as live midst this loud charivart And try to make music; noctivagant howlings of ’ARRY Are sweet to the gr-r-r-r of that vile monkey-organ of Ranpy’s! By Jove, how he grinds! Oh! of all duodecimo dandies That ever played gamin and grinder, he is the most teasing, And look at his monkey—how like him !—it’s jumping and seizing The hair—what there is—of that broad, burly, blatant big-drummer. Bang! Bang! Oh, myears! Ah, that horrible noisy new-comer From Leatherdom’s city has wrought me more harm than my foes have ; IT like, I defend him? If ever my eyes, ears, and nose have Sustained keen offence, ’tis from BrapLavex there bumping and booming As though he delighted my score to destruction in dooming. And then that huge organ, like some mad piano-fiend thumping, With which Starr and Cxcrt the country are scouring and stumping! The shine of it! Rum-te-tum-rantara!! Forte!!! Crescendo!!! ! With never a p.p. or delicate deminuendo No sweetness of phrasing, no fineness of touch! It’s just maddening! CxciL would slay St. Cecilia’s self; but it’s saddening Starry to see at such work ; he does look half ashamed of it, Tired of the row and the rowdiness scarce to be named of it. Then look at Lawson there, thumbing his “‘ musical glasses.” Musical! Shrieky as brayings of ae asses, out of tune, out of time, like cracked bells in a steeple, Swears he’s my friend and admirer, too—he, of all people | Hasn’t a notion of harmony; will play a solo Always in crotchets. Good gracious! Can’t even play Polo Without some ensemble. Political Symphonies? Bless us! While this row goes on? Ah! I feel that the garment of Nessus, Spite-poisoned, enwraps me. And yet whata programme I gave them! My choir! If they won’t follow me, who from chaos shall save thom Noise! Noise! From the foe we expect it, they think it their duty ; But shindy on our side means smash, Tutti, Gentlemen! tutti! Wuat was our Tip last week for the Derby? ‘Those who rightly interpreted our Fancy Portrait, drawn by the Artist who backed the horse and gave us the correct tip of his tail, must have made @ fortune. Wasn’t he represented as “‘ going like blazes” ?—and who, accustomed to interpret oracles, wouldn’t at once have read it ** Going like St. Blaise is,” eh ? We don’t charge commission, but, when Gentlemen have made a considerable profit, we expect them to remember the prophet who made them the millionnaires they now are. Nod and a wink to Dark Horse. Loyatty Sarrty Tr1ep.—Her Gracious Masxsty kept her own birthday very much to herself by going “‘ bock agen” to Scotland, which was not one of the Happy Returns of the Day, especially as— The Provost and Baillies of Aberdeen Were not permitted to see the QUEEN. Oxrp Tries Revrvep.—The punishment for the thoroughfare obstructionists who caused the block in the Strand should be the Block on Tower Hill. a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jtne 2, 1883. SWAIN be A MOMENTOUS QUESTION! WHICH WILL HE CHOOSE ?

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June 2, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 261

ERE EPEEESAIRESLNSS ae +. oo AOAH 3 DgsiIGN FOR NEW WALL DecoraTIVE PAPER, TO BE CALLED THE ** PaPIER MASHER.”

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, May 21.—Business resumed to-day after Whitsun recess. Many of our young men, including our Grand Old One, absent. Telegram from RanpoipH, dated ‘‘Clonnabally, Co. Antrim, Monday. Sha’n’t be in House till Thursday. Here making inqui- ries into case mentioned by JosEPH GILLIS as to Adjutant who drew forage allowance for imaginary horse. Most important. JoserH not accurate in details, but quite enough to damage Government. Fancy we shall turn them out this time. Could have been back to-day, but since GLADSTONE stays till Thursday, think Gorsr will be able to manage, and keep in order Starry and H. W. Smrra—or is it‘W. H.’?” Indefatigable young man, RanpotpH. Always at his country’s call. Spent drowsy evening on Civil Service Estimates. Goxsr did his best to make up for RanpoLPH; buta little heavy and monotonous. His tactics consist chiefly of going out for an hour or so, coming , noting who is absent from pyog 7 | Bench, then, when culprit returns, dropping down upon him; or if he prolongs absence, gets up and wants to know how votes for furniture in Law Courts are to be taken in absence of Secretary of State for War, or why the President of the Board of Trade should be absent at a time when Committee are asked to vote salary for the Charwoman at the Admiralty ? Little of this goes a long way, and we had a good deal of it a fort- night back when Goxsr protested against discussing the Transvaal irs in absence of Attorney-General for Ireland. “Worst of man with a flux of speech and dearth of ideas is that when he gets hold of what he thinks is a point he bores people to death with it.”? So Harcourt says, and don’t know anyone of more judicial mind. JosePH GILLIS in Patents Bill will get “ When I was in Parry,” he says, unflinchingly facing recollections that some might think painful, “I my dejernay occasionally ally poor in the Boy. But there you got something to eat and . These here freskies for a wall I don’t hold with, and if Sir Freprrick LeigHton wants to do’em, let him do ’em at his own expense.” Business done.—Voted Supply. Tuesday.—House in pretty cheerful mood to-night. Arranged for Count Out before dinner, and whole holiday for to-morrow. Gloom of Sir HerperT MaxwetL, Bart. in strong contrast to general eat form. Doubts very much whether the ough this Session, and is highly sarcastic on ty. _ “Toy,” said the unfortunate Nobleman, whom I found languish- ing in arm-chair in Library, ‘‘ what makes me seneegy is that now, as I sit here, I recall quite easily all the good things | was going to sayin moving the Adjournment. CHaPLin would have been nowhere. LowrHER would have been lost, and Dick Power not init. Meant show them that if a Scotchman can’t readily take in joke, he can turn’em out without apparent effort. But got into such a terrible when found — on my legs. All the jokes got mixed up. Afraid that would happen when took ArTHuR BaLrour’s advice. my own place, and spoke from Ranpoiru’s, ‘Elijah’s mantle | know,’ ALFOUR said. ‘You stand there, and you won’t feel - But think strange place even made me worse. Had weomfortable sense that House could see my boots. Nothing matter with them, doncha know, but when I speak from usual place, have a before me. Hides a bit of you, and you can lean on back if - og x Sveczing fom og yer ALS | ge < : . es fellow feel queer. is nothing to do wi it, Must get a Welshman next time.”

‘* Yes,” I say, touched by unhappy Nobleman’s despair; ‘‘ we’ll get Moreaw Lioyp next year, then your failure will be forgotten.” = On the whole, not a very lively business. Oddest men appeared in what was expec iment. ‘Like tragedy-men coming forward when the call-boy summons the comedians,” said Mr. LasoucHERE, who knows something about theatres. When Sir Epwarp CoLEBrooxk rose, House positively , then con- tumeliously roared. The storm grew higher when red face and round body of Jamzs Howakrp discovered below the Gangway. “Highly irregular this,” said Srvant-WortiEY. “‘ It’s like the sun rising in the middle of the night.” HowakpD not at all unlike comic pictures of the sun, as he stands below the Gangway with full broad face shining on uproarious crowd. Lopenaty nothing particular to say, and after struggling with clouds of displeasure, finally suffered eclipse, and solar system resumes ordinary conditions. Business done.—House decided by 185 votes against 85 to go to the Derby. Thursday.—Great eruption of white hats and light clothing to-day. Mr. Monx a little out of it. For many Sessions, so Mr. Dintwyn tells me, he used to be the harbinger of summer. Possessed suit of clothes of dusty miller order with white hat to match. One day whilst House was engaged on Questions or Notices, Monx would enter arrayed in these garments. Then House knew summer was at hand, and Members going home hunted up their white hats and light clothing. ‘‘ Just like Gentlemen who live in the country write to the Times when they see first swallow or hear the cuckoo, so,”” Dittwyn says, ‘* we knew when summer was at hand by seeing Monx come in as though he had passed through a flour-mill on the way.” To-day summer burst upon us without re-appearance of swallow or warning note of cuckoo. Troubled with approaching disfran- chisement of Gloucester, or from some other cause—‘* Perhaps,” Mr. Barraw says, ‘‘the suit’s worn out. Can’t have come from first-class firm ’””—Monxk manque, and here we are in midsummer. ** Yes, Tosy, dear boy,’ says Ranpoxpu, ‘‘and the dog-days are at hand when some people are muzzled.” One or two men laugh, sure I don’t know what at. Warlike night in Committee of Supply. Militia out, and the Yeomanry Cavalry paraded. Earl Percy on the war-path. Imposing appearance. ‘*Must admit,” says Mr. Lapoucuere, “‘ that blood tells. ‘The Persé owt of Northumbarlande’ is the same in the Victorian age as in the time of Henry THE SrxtH. Never see Percy without think- ing of Chevy Chase.” And he certainly looked warlike as he squared his shoulders, set his feet firmly on the floor, waved his muscular arm, and in those deep, stentorian tones so familiar on the parade-ground of the Alnwick Artillery Volunteers, instructed Lord Harrrnerton on his duties in relation to the Militia. “Yes. I’ve fot my eye on Percy,” Ranpo.pH said, when I described the thrill his martial bearing and tones always send through me. ‘* When I come in, can’t do better than put him in at the War Office. With Gorsr Lord Chancellor, Wotrr Minister for Forei Affairs, and Batrour Secretary of State for India, I shall have the nucleus of a pretty strong Ministry.” Business done.—Four votes on Army Estimates agreed to. Friday Night.—Another Count Out. Professor Bryce delivered interesting lecture on Armenia ; chiefly useful as giving ASHMEAD BARTLETT opportunity for gett: rid of remnant of one of old speeches on Central Asia. Then Dr. Lyons proposed to set forth scheme for regeneration of Ireland “‘ by utilising her abundant but dormant natural resources.” Keen eye of Jory B. saw through it in instant. ‘If Ireland,” says he, ‘* begins to depend upon her- self, and to work like Scotland and England do, WHAT ’s TO BECOME oF us?” So JosEpH laid in wait, and counted out Dr. Lyons, Business done.—None.

THAT DREADFUL DOCTOR! (Ingoldsby applied. ) He warns us in eating, he warns us in drinking, He warns us in pore | and writing and thinking ; | He warns us in football, footrace, eight-oar ‘‘ stroking,” He warns us in dancing and cigarette-smoking ; He warns us in taking champagne, and canoeing ; He warns us in wearing red socks, and shampooing ; He warns us—of drains—in our snug country quarters ; He warns us—of fever—in mineral waters. _ He warns us in—everything mortal may mention. But—what gives rise To but little surprise— _ Nobody pays him the slightest attention!

amen OF GREENLAND.—Fine opportunity for Residential ts.

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262 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 2, 1883, MY UNEARNED IN- CREMENT. (Ballad by a Betting-Man.) 4 A tivine by exertion hardly won. ee it could be done. I wish that I was thriving In clover upon rent, And from estate deriving The “‘ unearned increment.” No increment, not any, Sack I of such a kind. Whene’er I pay a penny, A decrement I find. What means to raise a sum by? No go more money lent, Must either work, or come by Some ‘‘ unearned increment.” By toiling and by spinning, No good care I to get; Brads I go in for winning. My business is to bet. True, one must study betting, To count upon the event ; Bat that’s next best to netting An ‘‘ unearned increment.” Why, though I don’t like labour, Commit a folly, still, By grabbing from my neighbour His grey against his will ? Tis safe as well as pleasant To be a sporting gent, And play, like me at present, For ‘** unearned increment.” ANOTHER subject — loyal, of course—for the Prince of WaLrEs to takeup—though this does sound as if we were speaking of His Royal Highness asa Policeman,— would be in connection with the Royal College of Music,—‘' Open Spaces” —for the people. [We can supply a few others when H.R.H. has an hour to spare. | PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 138. Is ve itty: it : It euniie my aversion ZA mi LORD LANSDOWNE, IN HIS NEW CANADIAN CosTUME, SPHCIALLY ADAPIRD TO REMAINING FOR sOME TiME OUr IN THE CoLD. TO LORD COLERIDGE, My dear Chief Justice, you made a mistake last week which Iam bound to correct. For once you forgot the rule absolute which should ever be obeyed, of “‘never giving your reasons for your decisions.” You actually anions, and at some consider. able length, to Sir H. Girrarp, what considerations had weighed with you in deciding to grant a rule. This, my dear Chief, was a big mistake. While addressing your Lordship on this subject, | will just add that there has re- cently been too much ‘‘talk” from the Bench, too much of that bid- ding for that popularity which is the very breath of an Actor's life {t believe your Lordship takes the hair at the dinner to be given to Mr. Henry Irvine) but which is incompatible with the dignity of the Bench. Yours truly, PUNCR, Her Majesty’s Inspector of Chief Justices, §c., §c. REVISED VERSION OF SHAKSPEARE. ‘A poor player, Who struts and frets his hour on the stage, And then—goes into Society.” *“Reat Jam.’’—The traffic at Hamilton Place Improvement Corner ; at Cumberland Gate; in Covent Garden ; and in the Strand by the Gaiety. Wellington Statue (log.). “J’y suis, J’y reste !” Mr. Punch (with riding-whip). No. J’yup! Move on! THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT WAR. PRELIMINARY CHAPTER. THE Energetic Veteran hurried from Pall Mall, passed through Leicester Square, skirted Covent Garden Market, and stopped at a door under the portico near Drury Lane. It was asmall door, and a number of persons of both sexes were hanging listlessly about in its close proximity. The Energetic Veteran pushed his way in, and was stopped by a Polite Official. ‘*You cannot pass here, Sir,’’ said the doorkeeper, firmly but respectfully. ** But I tell you I must,” replied the Energetic Veteran, briskly. “*T want to see Mr.——” And he mentioned one of the best-known names in Europe. “*I have no doubt you do, Sir,” returned the Official; ‘* but the Governor is extremely busy, and you had better write to him.” “‘T have written to him,” cried the Energetic Veteran; “‘ and see, there is a copy of my letter.” And he pointed to a placard, about eighteen feet square, which was adorning an adjacent wall. ** Indeed, Sir!” replied the Polite Official, with increased respect. “Then, if you will give me your card, Sir, possibly the Governor will make an exception in your case. I can but take it to him.” The Energetic Veteran haughtily tossed over a small square of pasteboard, and retired. When the Official returned, he found his visitor contemplating, with the greatest possible admiration, a gantic poster ae a hand-to-hand encounter between gyptians and English soldiers, of the most sanguinary description. ** Ah! it does so bring it back to me!”’ murmured the Energetic Veteran, overcome with emotion. ‘* That officer waving the British flag, and slaughtering half-a-dozen white-coats, might have been meant for myself. Just the sort of thing I used to do, in a leisure moment, when I wasn’t wanted to work on the Staff!” The Polite Official respectfully beckoned the speaker to enter the building, and together they passed through the door. Lom | tra- versed dark passages dimly illuminated by wire-globed gas-lights, and ascended narrow staircases overlooking a huge open space with a boarded floor. Then they came to a second door, but this was made of the most costly marquetry, studded with the rarest marbles. The Polite Official ushered in the Energetic Veteran, and retired. ‘* Pardon me,” said a gracefully-rounded figure resting in a tissue- of-gold dressing-gown tastefully trimmed with brilliants, on a sofa whose bullion-cloth and pure golden legs were half hidden by a huge rug made entirely of sable-tails. ‘‘ Pardon me a moment, until I have given my final instructions to a dozen and a half of my Secre- taries. é The Energetic Veteran nodded amiably, and looked round him. The chamber in which he was now seated was certainly gorgeous im the extreme, and strongly reminded him of the most luxurious pas- sages of the Arabian Nights. The walls were hung with a materis composed of silver thread and precious gems, and all the farni- ture, except the sofa already mentioned. was made of the rarest porcelain. He himself was resting on a Dresden china chair. Pio- tures by RAFFAELLE, and Masters nearly as celebrated, were scattered about the apartment in great profusion, waiting to be hung. There was an indescribable air of wealth about the place, whic had its effect upon the visitor, although that visitor was not a man easily impressed. And now.” said the figure on the sofa, who had been called by the Polite Official “‘the Governor,” turning round and makin a cigarette out of some Turkish tobacco and a ten-pound note, What can I do for you?” ‘*T have an idea!” was the short sharp response. h “Not in the least surprised,” smilingly continued the other, as he toyed with a huge pine-apple, and filled a liqueur-glass from & magnum of Chartreuse Verte. ‘‘ Won’t you join me f tak ‘*No, thanks,” returned the cong’ Veteran ; I never © “t anything except at meals, and get all I want from the Vine Club,

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Joxe 2, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL My, H avtiale if fi | i \ th NSF AWE ~*~ } > a | it Wi ANY) SS of ( ( AL Ni, \ fle DETRACTION. The Younger Lady. ‘‘Ou, AUNT, DID YOU OBSERVE WHAT A BADLY-MADE Dress Mas. Brown HAD ON ?” Aunt (who couldn't bear ‘* that woman”). *‘ AH, THAT'S HOW IT WAS IT FITTED HER 80 WELL, DeaR—yeEs !” which, by the bye, I should like to see you a member,” and he handed over a number of circulars. “T am sure I should be very pleased,” replied the Governor, hastily, ‘‘ but, to tell the truth, I don’t think it would be of any use tome. You see, when I want to dine quietly, I generally accept an invitation to a State banquet with the Lorp Mayor. But, you were saying you had an idea? ”’ “T have got something more for you.” “What, another letter!” returned the other. ‘‘ Well, thanks, very much; but I think that game is played out. Besides, my Vicar in South Kensington is getting jealous. Not that you don’t write capitally. No; when I sawthat first despatch of yours—the one you knocked off, you know, just after your arrival in Egypt—I said to myself, ‘ He shall be on my staff,’ and you are!” - And WILLING approves of me ?”’ He is delighted with you, and says that you should join his Profession—that with your talent, in his line you would coin — , Well, I find my own profession not unlucrative.” So I told him; but he said you ought to sacrifice Arms to Art. But there, no doubt he will write to you on the subject. And, now, what is your idea?” " What do you say to a war with the Esquimaux ?” Nut bad,” said the Governor, reflectively, ‘‘the North Pole, though, has been touched at the Adelphi.” Not as I should touch it!” cried the Energetic Veteran, with enthusiasm. **T would have real bears and a battle by night, illu- minated with the Aurora Borealis.” Not bad,” murmured the Governor. ‘I don’t think that has been done.” , Then Beavcuamp Szymovur—tut, tut!—I should say ALcEsTER, ut I never can remember the titles of these newly-made Peers— ian Copenhagen, as I promised to put him into my next 1g ,, bombard Copenhagen !—surely that has been done before ?” Vete erything has been done before,” replied the Energetic eleran, irritably. ‘‘ But, there, 1 have taken a great deal of trouble about it, and if you don’t like it, you can leave it. Possibly, by-and-by, they may want something of the sort at the Princesses’, and, if the worst comes to the worst, I can always take it to Astley’s.” ‘** Don’t be so impulsive,” said the Governor. your way to a ballet ?” ‘“Of course. I get that by the capture of Russian maidens. Circassians, if you like.” ‘** Yes; that wouldn’t be bad.” ‘‘Then I shall work in BismMarcK somehow—just to give Harry JACKSON a new character.” ‘* Yes, he would like that. He is fond of representing historical personages. And couldn’t you get in the Coronation of the Czar? [ always try to have something connected with current events.” ‘* Yes, yes,” replied the Energetic Veteran, reflectively, ‘‘ that might do for a Prologue. Well, Iam glad that you like the notion. The Duke was rather in favour of an invasion of the Crimea.” ‘* Done years and years ago! ” ‘*So I tuld him, and suggested, instead, complications with the North-Western Powers and a descent upon Greenland. You see I had you in my eye.” ‘*T will do it!” cried the Governor, suddenly. ‘‘I see my way to something really big, and I will do it. I will bill your first despatch all over the place, and the scenery shall be put in hand at once ! Within six months of the above conversation the world was startled by two great events,—the first, a fresh war in Europe, the second, @ new piece at Drury Lane! **But do you see Fair New Version. (Which suggested itself to the Special Dithyrambist of the ‘‘ Times”’ on the Night of the Derby.) As when a mighty peuple rejoice With the penny trumpet and the tootling horn, And the tumult of their shindy is borne From Kennington Gate, where there ’s crush and jar, To the Special waiting at the ‘‘ Horns” snug bar.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (June 2, 1883, — MY DERBY DAY. I atways have a book on the Derby. The amounts are not large, but it enables me to join with an — of grave anxiety in the orsey conversation appropriate toMay. It once, however, nearly got me into trouble when in the itness Box, my naive confes- sion encouraging a facetious cross- examiner to denounce me as a Black Leg, until the assurance that I never went beyond a few shillings overwhelmed him with as much confusion as a sane man can well feel when dressed up in black stuff and horse-hair. owever, upon discovering on Wednesday morning, on making up my book, that, if fortunate, I should only lose a rifle, but under no circumstances could I possibly win, I determined to avoid the Saturnalia of Epsom, and to spend a quiet day in beautiful Epping Forest. Iwas induced to adopt this wise resolution from reading Lord SHERBROOKE’s quotation from MILTON, commencing, ‘‘ As one who long in populous city pent,” which was evidently intended for me who have been pent in a very populous city for about fifty years. I strolled through the People’s beautiful Forest for about four hours in a perfect rapture of enjoyment, but I should venture to make to the Authorities the modest suggestion, to clear away the dirty paper instead of clearing away so many trees. Exhausted by my long stroll, I sought refreshment at a cleanly-looking booth, the property of JoHn SmirH, a name I think [ have seen before, and who supplied me with the cup that cheers but not inebriates, with a sufficiency of milk and This, with a remarkably sticky Bath bun, constituted my refreshing and economical repast. Returning into the Forest 1 heard the notes of a cuckoo. Always ready to contribute my share, however small to the constantly increasing store of human knowledge, I noticed that my cuckoo never called more than eighteen times without wee © take breath, and that his notes are separated by a fourth. ile li stening intently to discover these important facts in Natural History, my cuckoo suddenly flew past me, making as much noise as Mr. Batees’s first pheasant. Finding — now on the bank of the pleasant-looking lake, I was asked if I would have a boat, but as from my earliest days I have always liked to see which way I was going, and as I saw a kindly intimation written up, that all eo F must be paid for, I bargained for a boatman as well as a boat, and spent an hour of calm delicious enjoyment. On landing I discovered a long line of Cocoa-Nuts in tempting array, and their youthful guardian slumbering peacefully. Awaking at my approach, he besought my patronage so earnestly, that I yielded to the extent of one penny, and bringing into play the old yorkers with which in days of yore I used to spread-eagle the wickets of my opponents at cricket, I, quite as much to my own astonishment as the boy’s, landed a remarkably fine cocoa-nut, which we ascertained, by violently shaking it, contained a consider- able quantity of the peculiar milk which is accounted for in such a variety of ways. Scorning to take advantage of my unexpected success, I nobly returned the fruit to the youthful attendant, who, when he had recovered from his surprise, expressed his gratitude for my unexampled liberality by at once standing on his head. I strolled away with head erect, and with the consciousness of having at one and the same time evinced remarkable skill and great self-denial. I had previously learned from the young recipient of my bounty, that the average number of ‘‘ chucks” at Cocoa-Nuts before achieving success is six, and of ‘‘ shies” at Aunt Sally, four ; the form of our female relative’s effigy presenting, apparently, a better mark than the nobbly nut that contains the fluid. In the train from the City I found myself in company with a an gree of remarkably healthy, if not flushed, appearance, who ad just returned from Epsom. He was very communicative, but many of his expressions were peculiar, if not unintelligible. He told me, for instance, that he was down upon his luck, and should have to trouble his Uncle. Upon my venturing to express the opinion that he was fortunate in aving so generous a relation to appeal to, he laughed, and said that wasn’t at all bad. As the train was about stopping, he shook hands with me very heartily, and made use of these very remarkable words:—‘‘I’ve enjoyed your society very much ; there’s a greenness about you that is quite refreshing, so I’ll give you just two bits of advice. Never have anything to do with the Turf. They are all scamps alike, and would sell their own fathers to gain their ends. But if you can’t resist it, like me, there ’s only one chance for you, and that is, to Nobble the Jockey | ” An OvTSIDER. sugar, for the small charge of one penny. | b ee SCENE IN THE COURT OF QUEEN’S BENCH, May 21st, 1883. (How it should have occurred.) Usher. Mr. Justice Hawxrns will oblige again! Mr. Justice Hawkins (sings)— Excuse me, Gents! Iam ina flutter, I’ve been detained in that gruesome gutter Called the Strand! Called the Strand! Called the Strand! Search Europe through you’ll find no _— full Of sheer neglect and control disgracef Like the Strand! Like the Strand! Like the Strand! Its state is ag | awful! Heigho! Heigho! ’Tis little short Contempt of Court— In fact it’s most unlawful ! [The entire Court dance round to Symphony, and, much re. Freshed, proceed to business with renewed energy, A VICEROY FOR AFRICA. ‘‘Suppose Her Maszsry were represented in South Africa by a Viceroy carefully selected, to whom the Governors would report, with whom the Boer Presidents would negotiate, and who would, as regards natives, possess all the authority the Crown and Parliament could give him. Wielding such powers, * * * he would, we conceive, be able to remove, and frequently even to anticipate, difficulties which press severely on the Colonial Office.” Spectator. As I’ve just been appointed first Viceroy and Governor-General of the Cape Colony, Natal, Pondoland, Basutoland, Griqualand West, Bechuanaland, and as much of Zululand as we haven’t yet given ack to CETEWAYO, must buy good map of South Africa at once, and study the numerous interesting (geographical) problems connected with that country. Must also discover, if possible, before starting, who LANGALIBALELE is. Is it the African native appellation for Bishop Cotenso? Wonder if Forster would put me up to this, He seems to know all about the Bechuanas, and might help a ‘* carefully-selected Viceroy” in acquiring information. Here I am at — Town! Find furious letter from Mayor and chief residents at Durban, asking me why on earth I haven’t settled in their Colony instead of here. They say their city has quite five — inhabitants, and is nearly as large as any in South rica. Make my first’speech. Tell people I already feel ‘‘ an Africander to the backbone.” People cheer. Don’t like the word ‘‘ Africander”’; too obviously rhymes with ‘‘gander.” But ought I to make public speeches? Shall telegraph to Ripon, I think, and ask advice. Dutchman in crowd wants to know “‘ my opinion on the Transvaal uestion.” Tell him I haven’t formed one yet, but hope to do so in the course of a day or two. Dutchman seems surprised. Another person,—looks like an English clergyman in disguise—says he’s a reat friend of Jozi and JONATHAN, and would be glad to know if ’m going to let ’em be ‘‘eaten up” by Lersre and MasupHa? Natural for clergyman in disguise to feel hurt about men called JoEL, or JONATHAN; but why these scriptural names out here? Confuses my geography utterly. . Well, this is really quite aggravating! After several days spent in trying to induce Boers, by diplomatic efforts, to ag the Be- chuanas, I now hear that they ’ve taken all their cattle and wives, and added their territory to what they choose to call the ‘‘ Dutch South African Republic.” A Evidently, must follow ‘‘ consistent policy.” For a “supreme referee, on the spot, placed above the strife of parties, is always necessary in such circumstances.” Quite feel that I’m necessary. Wonder why poor BARTLE FRERE didn’t succeed. But then he was only Governor of the Cape. Now, J am also Governor of Natal, Zululand, Bechuanaland, &c., and also Vice-Suzerain of the Trans- vaal. So that, of course, makes my position ever so much easier than poor old BaARTLE FRERE’S. c : Cape Parliament has developed a spirit of its own! Refuses to vote supplies if I send army into Transvaal. Threatening telegrams from Natal, ange that if I don’t, they will declare themselves independent of England altogether, and of me, too! This is an undeniably awkward situation. Must temporise. Happy Thought. Get dear old Cerewayo to attack Boers. Do so. After a week, hear that he’s been completely defeated by the Dutch brutes, and, in consequence, has accepted position of their Suzerain. Cape Parliament is becoming unbearable, Natal hasr declared its independence, and the united. Dutchmen of Trans and Orange Free State are marching on Cape Town! Resign my sition, and perform my own “ happy despatch ” to England, where can, at all events, give Colonial Office some of the “‘ local know- ledge”? which it so much needs. “cc @ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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Sone 9, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. v Mii Lf i= 7 | see, \ Ki (( \\h AN ANN AAA: \\ \ 2K COMPENSATION. Snobley. ‘‘ AW—AW—IT MUST BE VERY UNPLEASANT FOR YOU AMERICANS TO BE GOVERNED BY PEOPLE—AW—WAHOM YOU WOULDN'T ASK TO DinneR!” American Belle. ‘‘WeEuL—NOT MORE 80, PERHAPS, THAN FOR YOU IN ENG- LAND TO B¢ GOVERNED BY PEOPLE WHO WOULDN'T ASK You TO DINNER!” THE MAGIC SPECTACLES. A Peep into a possible Future. “The Home Secretary sees democracy only as distorted by Whig spectacles, one of the most powerfully refracting media of the day Mr. TayLor is the true democrat, holding that democracy is the government of the whole people by the whole people, while Sir Wint1am Harcourt would condemn democracy to the disintegration and disunion which inevitably pave the way for wire-pullers, and at last for tyrants.’’— Times. PouxcH pops the spectacles across his nose, As through each magic lens his keen eyes twinkle, Shadows of eld upon him crowd and close, He feels a spiritual Rip Van Winkle. Is this the England of the Sage’s youth, This crotchet-ridden realm of topsy-turvy ? That parti-coloured Patch—can it be Truth ? That Liberty, in vesture strait and scurvy ? The very air ’s asphyxia to the lungs Used to the rapture of free inspiration. This chaos of cramped wills and clanging tongues Can it be worthy of the name of nation ? Men’s mien hath changed, each hath a Janus look, Each seems to be half tyrant and half truckler. He’ll swell and swagger here, there crouch and crook, But Freedom, with still eye and steady buckler, Watching and warding all,— where is she shrined ? Pooh—pooh! The old Palladium stands no longer Midmost the city’s citadel. The whine Of philanthropic cant has proved far stronger Than manly-fronted and frank-hearted sense. The one and indivisible birthright, Freedom, Has been exchanged by babblers dull and dense For pottage-doles, and every little Edom Has its own local spoon. The old large, divine “Thou shalt not” has been narrowed down"and whittled, At hest of every crotchet-monger’s whine, Until Morality itself ’s belittled Into pure priggishness, the sour and tame Subservience of small souls to little shackles. No stalwart champion, with soul of flame The many-handed ogre, Humbug, tackles. Restriction, arbitrary, local, stiff . Cobwebs capriciously man’s every action, __ Vetoes his draught, and bounds or bans his whiff, And every little fad-ring, clique, or faction Has its own happy hunting-ground where it May harry its opponents, who may harry | Others in turn elsewhere ; check-rein and bit Are on us everywhere. The man who’d marry, Or buy or sell, or sport, or drink or smoke, . Must choose for each some nook where Local Option Has not in that regard imposed its yoke Of noodle-born negation, whose adoption Jugglers with words and human rightsdefend _ freak-formed, chance-gendered, blind jority,” Which, all oblivious of its righteous end, Spreads an usurped preposterous authority O’er the whole field of individual will, Taste, impulse, fancy, yearning, need, conviction So that as sequel of some prig-pushed ‘’ Bill,” Blameless desire shall feel the dull constriction Of Cant’s snake foldings everywhere. ‘‘ This life? i ony ?” sighs the Sage. Have smart but a0Dy Round Rhodian rhetoricians thus made rife The rule of this new tyrant small and shabby ? Have Grand—but oft Grandmotherly— Old Men Nervelessly yielded to the newest fashion Of mobcap tyranny? The Punchian pen Must lay effectively a scathing lash on The backs invertebrate that bend and bow To the first gush-rush of fanatic folly As the Vor popult. Good faith! I trow Life will be breezy, rational, most jolly, When England is a Heptarchy of fads, A chaos of crass crotchets—when the noodles, Tories, or Liberals, or roaring Rads, Change men from freemen into chain-led poodles ; When one may spread a pestilence, but not . Unchallenged make the best of Nature's bounties, When cm che ’d drink or smoke must scheme and plot, And travel into different towns and counties To dodge the local despot ; when the Law Piecemeal is parcelled out with petty pother, So that ’tis no high Mentor striking awe, But a Dame Partlet, full of fuss and bother, Hanging at each man’s heels until he doubt If he may smile or sneeze without authority, Or yield to any wish or want without ; Special permission from some one ‘* Majority ” Out of a hundred such. Punch dashes off The Magic Spectacles with mighty vigour. But is it matter for mere careless scoff Y This dream of Crotchetdom’s capricious rigour ? Is life’s large freedom to become the prey Of zealous zanies, shallow, sour, ascetic ? The Glasses may not show the truth to-day, : But there ’s one question yet,—are they prophetic ? The Ministry and the Mint. It is rumoured that the Cabinet, on consideration, have determined to convert the southern portion of New Guinea into a Crown ey It may be hoped that this concession may satisfy the Party of Change, although the New Guinea Crown Colony will be still something under the Old Sovereign. LireRaRY ANNOUNCEMENT.—It is understood that the Member for Bridport contemplates bringing out a new work on ‘‘ Modern Parliamentary Procedure.” It is to be called Warton’s Complete Wrangler, VOL, LXXXIv.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 9, 1883, —<—= OUR PLEA FOR OPEN SPACES. The Rhymester, musing in City Slums, indulges in Elegiacs concerning possible Elysia for the City Children. = “The value of small open spaces in densely-populated districts, near the homes of working people, is increasingly recognised year by year.””

Mrs. Octavia Hill, in t Soo Aan heyyy Y WV ae ify “ Times? a 4 443 G \ ial ; AN wy \ \y’ )) Td € WA Ha ) DN SS SS SN R Ki S SS ) y ty) a i \\ <A \\Y \\\\e AN iM TY) iff **REcogNIsED!” Ay, but by whom? The wise of heart and the Then, whilst the Springtide burst of rejuvenescent beauty kindly! Breaks upon holt and hedgerow, quickens the p Scarce by the Kings of Gold, the Lords of the Rail and Mart. wine, a ots at Little by Bumtle the bumptious, blundering coldly, blindly, Where are the souls will list to the bidding of citizen duty, On in the olden ways, stolid and tough of heart. To claims of the City children considerate ear incline

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mal Junz 9, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. tf f yy Ad b he ( ‘il 2 ‘il K Ma Ti, Qty Wa ML Tye wll SF = On a yp ff prea| 7, 1 Junz. NEAR THE MARBLE ARogs. METROPOLITAN PRIZE PUZZLES. No. 1. Puzzle—To FIND THE POLICEMAN, Spring in the City Slums! A dim and dolorous season Breathing nothing of Nature, dead and grey as a ghost, Chill, and dingy, and dank ; what need any nearer reason To urge our hearts and hands to help of the childish host ? Picture them, pinched and pallid, ae yet hopeless, straining Eyes to the barrier’d nook where there ’s room for ball and rope, Where the plague of brick and stucco, on Nature eternally gaining, Leaves, for awhile, some corner, object of huckster hope. Maybe a burial plot, where the dead no more seek resting, Lit with a touch of green, else sombre and void and waste ; Maybe a grassless patch which Trade in its eager questing Leaves for a little time unsnatched by its greedy haste, Dull, and dirty, and damp, shard-strewn and rubbish-cumbered ; Yet there is room to breathe, even to romp and run. Few, and growingly few, are these City waste nooks numbered ; Shall they be all greed-swallowed, or rescued for health and fun ? Health and joy of the children! What if they, sadly staring Saw a vision of Spring break through the grey of the nook, A figure of grace and gladness, vesture of verdure wearing, Bringing in voice vague echoes of music of bird and brook ! What if a bright Spring shower of buds and blooms she sprinkled Down on the waste before them, there as they cluster and cower, Signs of the sunny meadows with core reg | ew-blobs sprinkled, Whitt of the nutty hawthorn, scent of the lilae-flower ! Fancy? Verily, yes. Yet that waste might win as verily Touch of the soft Spring fingers, sound of the sweet Spring voice. ere where the py ta sigh might their laughter echo merrily, There in some show of Summer the waifs of the town rejoice. Room for such Rus in urbe daily hourly narrows, Nature nooked into neatness is better than none at all. Trim straight walks, smug grass-plots, shrubs, and the chirrupping sparrows | Yes; but space for scampering, scope for the flying ball. Look to it, Sages, Senators! See to it, souls unsordid, —. A t there’s aught to snatch ungulped by the gorge of e, Ere each scanty plot is paled, and each little waste patch hoarded, And Railways rattleand choke where the children might have played. MR. PUNCH’S METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENT ACTS. To clear away the Holywell Street block. To make a clean sweep of Seven Dials. To demolish the block opposite the Criterion, and make a clear way to Leicester Square. ’ ‘o open out Leicester Square, leaving the Alhambra and the Pandora (when opened) Theatres. To enlarge the area of Covent Garden Market, and restrict the sale. To establish several Flower Markets. To establish Fruit and Vegetable Markets. To build Restaurants on the Thames Embankment, which could be turned into Winter Garden dining-places. | To open Kensington Gardens to Equestrians, making rides after | the manner of those in the Bois de Boulogne. To erect a central Sea- Water Bathing Establishment. To make as many open spaces as possible in the Eastern suburbs. To compel all dust-carts, &c., to work between 4 and 7 a.m., and then disappear. Coal-carts the same. Sub-Tramways everywhere ‘or all heavy waggons. Dynamite might be legitimately and safely used to clear the atmosvhere of fog. On every lamp-glass the number of the house facing it. The name of each street to be legibly ne at the corner of every block, at a certain height, and not sky’d. These will do to begin with. A Sportsman on Rational Dress. Tey may talk as they like about health, warmth, and grace, But he with plain reason is ean A a player Who solemnly talks of improving the race, By making the sex a non-stayer ! Tae Enriyeton Arrare.—Lord Hoventon explained last week that ‘‘once upon a time” he had = on an Erring-and-straying- ton Hoary Mission. Yes, but that Mission was a regular h’out- an’-h’out ’un.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 9, 1883, ESSENCE OF EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. ° ¢ { tem of order for Uy tlt werk , and. trey lt “y ethan Ore Cuuliaren. Comes THE WESTMINSTER WAX-WORKS. Monday Night, May 28.—Pleasant to hear Scotch accent again. Since the Herring Brand Question was settled, and the Hypothec Bill passed, don’t have fair proportion of it. Began the evening, of course, with Ireland, and threatened to conclude with it. Mr. HaRrRineron, one of the latest gifts from that fruitful isle, has in usual way secured ey of making himself a personage, and, naturally, not inclined to let it sleep. Has done everything to qualify himself for prominence. Has been in prison, owns a newspaper, and is always ready to challenge Government to do its worst. Since a paper that no one ever heard of before has been seized by local police in connection with printing of seditious matter, Harrineton has been constantly popping up, and demand- ing to be led out to instant execution. ‘‘1 am ready for any course the Chief Secretary will take,” he says, gloomily, in imitation, longo intervallo, of Joun DIL1on. The course TREVELYAN obviously inclined to take is severely to let him alone, which greatly grieves the dauntless Harrineton. Will no one behead him on Tower Hill, hang him from the Clocktower, or at least send him to prison somewhere in the neighbourhood of a good eating-house ? ‘* No one, I regret to say,’? Mr. LasoucHEn: replies in his incisive tones. ‘* You’re a decidedly uninteresting person. Though you have the fluency of an Irishman, you’re as dull as a Scotchman, as commonplace as a Welshman, and as unpicturesque as an English- man.” : It was Mr. Ramsay’s voice that was heard at midnight, complain- ing about subvention of disturnpiked roads. ‘* Not enough!” he cries; so moves rejection of the lot. Consternation on part of Scotch Members. ‘A people,” says Mr. James Lowrae, ‘‘ who are so economical — go about in kilts to save the cost of trouser-cloth, won’t stand it.’ Nor did they. Quite a storm burst around the placid head of Mr. Ramsay. With many a ‘“‘ Hoot, mon!” and ‘‘ Hech, Sanpy!” he was reminded that half a loaf is better than no bread. Ramsay some time in seeing it; when finally grasped the idea, proposed with great stolidity to withdraw his Motion. But JosepH ate had to be reckoned with. Here was a fine chance of harrying the Scots, and wasting a quarter of an hour. So when question put that leave a ty to withdraw Motion, J. B. said ‘‘ No!’ and Committee ivided, Pretty to see Mr. Ramsay walking out to iy ap the Vote he had earlier moved the rejection of, weighed down by consciousness that he had nearly lost £20,000 for Scotland. Business done.— A few Votes in Supply. Tuesday.—*‘ Didn’t see you at our May Meeting at the Foreign Office this morning, Cowrn,” Sir W. Lawson said to the gentle JosEPH of Newcastle. ‘*May Meeting, do you call it?” said J. C., carefully brushing ———— ——— PARLIAMENT. the nap of his new silk hat, and adjusting his lavender silk necktie, ‘* Must Meeting is a better name for a gathering where GLapsTonE talks to you Liberals. I’m an Independent Member, who hates Caucuses of any kind, whether at Newcastle or the Foreign Office. I own no compulsion but that of opposing whatever GLADSTONE may recommend.” And, flicking with odour-laden cambric handkerchief a speck of dust from his patent-leather shoes, the Northumbrian daintily picked his way through the throng. A ‘* Most extraordinary man, Joz CowrEn,” said Sir WILFLD, pen- sively regarding his retreating figure. ‘‘ Knows every conspirator in Europe. Has lent money to them all, and regularly pensions thirty-three seedy-looking fellows who, at various times, have knocked him up in the dead of the peng ere cautiously removing their crape masks, whispered in his ear that they had spoken disre- spectfully of the Czar, are fleeing for their lives, and have not got a kopec. Strongly suspect they chiefly come from the East-End, w the Hairy Man, the Sioux Chief, and the Tameless Savage of the Mid-African Jungle are cultivated.’”’ Truly JosEPH has a gentle heart, and an ear always open to human distress. : May Meeting went off very well this morning. Party more united than ever. Everything going to be carried except the Government of London Bill. Thereupon, the brothers LAWRENCE publicly fall into each other’s arms. Alderman :Fow Ler and Sir ANDREW Lusk perform a breakdown. FietTH fumes. Sir GaBRIEL GoLDNEY, whose a is something in the City, tells me Lord Mayor Knicur is woe- y cut up. “Thought I was going to be the Last of the Lord Mayors,” he gloomily confided to the Baronet GaBrren. ‘Fact is, had given orders to be painted in act of leaving Mansion House for last time. Great historical picture to be presentéd to the nation. ‘* The Last of the Lord Mayors saying Good Knight to his Office.’ portrait off Artist’s hands; must alter inscription.” it CavVENDISH BentINcK in high spirits. Seems he holds brief in the Belt Case, and had great triumph to-day. ‘ ‘“‘They went on reading the Judge’s summing-up for days, says he. ‘‘L.C.J. took a turn, Denman read himself hoarse, Manisrty lost his voice. Still they went on. Prospect intolerable. Thing might last for a fortnight. Then I volunteered to read. Hadn’t been at it half-an-hour when L.C.J. lays his head on the Bench; MAnisty moans; DENMAN a. Ten minutes, later, L.C.J. desperately interposes. Can’t stand any more of it. Agree to take rest as read, and I go off in triumph. Pity I was born to be a Minister, Topy. Would have made my fortune at the Bar.” Business done.—Agricultural Holdings Bill read a Second Time. Thursday Night.—The remarkable number of recent resigna- tions by Irish Members explained to-night. Been oy my before by persons who know everything. Said Land League funds stopped, o more expenses forthcoming; gentlemen resident at West- minster Palace Hotel expected to pay their own bills. But Irish

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Junz 9, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 269 Members very proud. Rather than do that, give up their seats. That explanation generally accepted. fact only now come out. It’s The O’Ketty. Very last time Gazatt ByRNE was in the House he made mysterious communication to me. “Did ye ever live in a house with a Tiger, Toby?” says he. Confess I never had. t was it like? Was it agreeable, or was the excitement too strained, and apprehension of accident too absorbing ? ‘Well, I have,” Mr. ByRnxz con- tinued, in pursuit of his own question “since 1880 that’s been my state. All yery well for PARNELL to keep a watch- dog; but to have a fellow going about with pistols glaring upon you, so that you tremble every time you get up to k, and never go home without expect- ing to find ‘a friend’ waiting for you, is more than I can stand.” a little mixed, Mr. Byrne's lan but evidently disturbed with something, and has since resigned, like half-a-dozen others of the stouter and more peaceful members of the Party. Now The O’Kztty has fixed upon McCoan, and O’Brien has acted the part of afriend. JoszPH Grttis, when he heard of the event, called on Mr. McCoan, and generously laying aside all differences (J. G. once publicly called him a carpet-bagger) offered to conduct negotiations with 0’Ketty’s friend. But McCoan, to the infinite disgust of JosEpH GILLIs, refused overtures. ‘* When I levanted, I came here for a peaceful life,” he said. ‘A — : man who might have been bepeny Wy instructions of the Sutan, won't stand to be shot at by an Irish Member.” F Decided to tell House all about it. House roared with laughter. Only The O’Gorman Manon sat stern and silent, with a dark cloud on his massive brow. aA “T have lived too long to see this day,” the amphibious old warrior murmured. ‘“‘ But, thank Heaven, he’s half a Scotchman. The O’Ketty ’s an honour to us. I’ll go and take a drink wi out!” says Dick PowEnr. “It’s a pity they didn’t fight it ont gualh tan hekeded in the dark. Ever heard o one that happened somewhere in the States? Room pitch- dark. Each man clutching a brace of oe One, terrible fellow like O’Ketty; other, kind - hearted fellow like McCoan. Long pause. Each man afraid to make noise lest other fire. Kind-hearted man chiefly afraid of committing murder. At last determines to fire up the chimney, the safest place. Fires. A loud wish to see him, “‘ with less choler and a more decided front.’’ rs O’Killy, Esq., M.P., in his Great aues: Eatertednasent, adapted frem shriek, and down comes the Fr 4 . . macnn : terrible fire-eater. Pity to lose 0’Ketty, but duel in dark room would have been very interesting.” Sad news to-night. Tragedy comes treading on skirts of broadest Fatce. Genéral Burwany is dead—dead just past his prime. Kine- LAKE has a glowing page, telling how at Inkermann Burnasy, then a papling, charged through the serried masses of the Russians at the head of a han of the Grenadier Guards, and did much to retrieve the fortunes of the day. In him the Army loses one of its bravest Captains, and the House of Commons the companionship of a loyal simple-hearted Gentleman. Business done.—Passed eighteen Votes in Committee of Supply. Friday Night.—The O'Kelly fizzle went out very mildly. Fire- Eater explains that clauses of Duello Act unfortunately not made compulsory. He offered to shoot McCoan. McCoawn didn’t seem to tare about it, and there was end of matter. The O’Gorman Manon affected to tears. Sends his ‘‘ cyard” all round the benches. ‘“ Pity the House should be' disappointed. Will no one oblige?” No one will, and the Andon 3 Warrior by Sea and Land stalks forth, making Passes at versary. Business done.— of Supply. ate Saxive,—Tulking of the International Chess Tourna- &h acute spectator observed :—‘'Take care of the Pieces, and awns will take care of themselves.” eee the W. E. G. as the Radicals would Loo d| get any more. f | slang of the present day, I suppose. I am so ON A DRAG; OR, HOW THEY LIVE NOW. Miss Crowndale. Why is it always called ‘‘ Royal Ascot” ? Mr. Masher (brightly). Because the Royal Family are eet. Miss Crowndale (unanswered). But they go to other Races, and they are not called ‘* Royal.” r. Masher (perplexed). No; but then, don’t you know, they are not near Windsor Castle. (Zriumphantly.) Ascot is; that’s why. Miss Crowndale. I see. How appropriate! other Races near Windsor Castle P Mr. Masher. Not one. 3 the Ray Mead, and Suardy collapses. [ Remember: Lady Salford. Do look at that girl on that drag there . Viscount Gardenia (gazing in the wrong direction). I don’t think much of her. Lady Salford (abruptly). Not there. That’s Lady Juzia Her- RICK, who be the ugliest woman in when her mother dies, to the left. Mrs. Wennam told me that that’s a they ‘* Baby ” at the Shakspeare Theatre ? wcount Gardenia (evasively). I dare say. I have hardly ever seen her, and, besides, they are so very different off the stage. Lady Salford (spitefully). Of course, when they have taken all their coatings of paint and powder off their faces. Viscount Gardenia ( forgetfully). But, I assure you, she uses hardly make-up at all. ly Salford _— lightning). How do you know ? Viscount Gardenia (coming round to the wind with commendable promptitude). Oh—I havye—er—read it in the theatrical papers. Lady Salford (emphatically). I never study that class of literature. k at her dress; it is —7 wonderfully handsome. Viscount Gardenia (uneasily). These theatrical people have great taste. Lady Salford (rudely), Rubbish! All the taste in the world won’t pay eh — as expensive as that. I suppose it is the gift of some young idiot. women Gardenia (with perfect sangfroid). More probably some old one. Passing Johnnie. Garvy ! Viscount Gardenia. Hullo, old Chappie! Passing + I took you seven monkeys off Srzztx. Couldn’t ‘a Lady Salford. What does that boy mean byseven ee of steel ? Viscount Gardenia(wishing himself well -* 4 it). Oh, only his chaff. Lady Salford. It seems to me very foolish. It is some of the lad, Harry, you do not indulge in slang, though you do read the Fneatrical papers. I could not bear to look forward to a son-in-law who was slangy. And you have a character for steadiness which any young man might be proud of. You’re far above that sort of thing, I know— (pointing to the ‘‘ that sort of thing,” who, at the moment, is being assisted to champagne, and is pleasantly inquiring “‘ who the antique Sossil is, sitting next to our poor old Garpy?”) And since you pro- mised my VIOLET to give up betting, don’t you feel much happier ? [Viscount GarpENIA wavers between the murder of his future mother-in-law and throwing himself off the top of the coach. Mr. Pass. I’m as chippy as can be. ’ : Mr. Encarte. I’d give all Ganpy’s prospects of married bliss for an honest brandy-and-soda. But that confounded old woman glares af you on every time you get a glass in your hand, that I nearly fall off wi ght. Mr. Pass, Capital idea, having a cottage down here to be quiet, if we had only gone to bed early, and made a breakfast. Then we could have battled with the swine. As it is, I feel too » ye ~ to go near the Ring. I must have a drink, or I shall die. r. Encore. Split then ! ho, I should like to know, kept us till six this morning ? Mr. Pass. Look at the cards I held, baccarat every time ; and, as nobody wanted to go to bed, I thought I might try and get a bit back. Here’s luck! F Drinks, (The Royal Hunt Cup is run.) Miss Crowndale. Oh, how fast the dear pretty horses run ! Miss Masher. I love Ascot ; and a pic-nic lunch is such fun ! Young Chappie. Just what he told me in the Stalls the other ht. It is always my luck at Ascot. ady Salford. Very interesting to jockeys and betting-men, but to my idea very dull. A most overrated place is Ascot. Vi t Gardenia. There’s that mo 2 0 and (wistfully) how say Ge: enjoying themselves over there. I wish I had never come to misera e Ascot. Mr. Pass. Now I see Goodwood looming brightly in the distance. Bless Ascot ! Mr. Encarte. This looks like Queer Street on Monday. Hang Ascot! ae !— She told me to go to Jericho ;” and thinks it probable Then there are no an erte. "ll have to pay a visit to that neighbourhood before settling.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jone 9, 1883, | | bees Soh, ‘i Ue ‘Wh i & WY / THE NEW CRAZE. SornE—The Green-Room of the Parthenon, before rehearsal. Hard-working Baronet, *‘Henk’s THE DUKE, CONFOUND HIM! ONLY BEEN SiX MoNTHS ON THE STAGE, AND GETTING TWENTY GuiInzEas A WEEK!” Conscientious Viscount. **Yzs! AND US ONLY GETTING Six AFTER TEN YEARS OF IT, I HATE THESE BEASTLY DUKES, COMING AND SPOILING THE PRoFsssion !” Ambitious Karl, ‘‘UcH! I HATE ALL AMATEURS, HANG 'EM, TAKING THE BREAD OUT OF ONE'S MovuTH!” “SCRATCHED!” CITY INTELLIGENCE, Trainer loquitur — ‘ I oe mega Fac roe of cotnea was mney r1 os ‘ ‘ xchange on Wednesday last on its becoming known e mi oy oe a verte eo ’ Government had decided to postpone the London Government Bill. G. ood f oe te ms ° What must 4 he'd ; ! The very valuable Stock issued by the important State of Honduras, St oo inch? aoe a aie hi eal whose principal export consists of fine lively Turtle, had fluctuated Lik ed et p ‘Tinne 1Ke Dis sire. considerably during the uncertainty that existed in regard to the "But —is he fit? ‘ena ¢ Cit above Bill, but when it was known that the old Corporation would Looks a bit rough. Well, lot’s o’ time ; remain unreformed and unmolested, the price of this valuable secu- Bottom and grit Best wait a bit! He Boy g 9 Reign ory after some slight fluctuations, closed at Mayn’t pull him throu Win a big race : Ié he runs green. gh, Yet, tines "3 no doubt; The demand for the fine lively Turtle above alluded to, became so : : lively at the Leadenhall Dépét during the course of the day, that it Ba Arye —. been ws ae was rumoured that some of the taverns had to resort to the shameful Useless to st But think =e ree practice of substituting Irish Conger-Eel until a fresh arrival of the Not worth explaining Nother this race genuine article restored peace and comfort to many a corporation. W hat our big bay Hell go like fun,— Perhaps even Sir WitL1amM Haxcovrt, with all his Statesmanlike Stopped in his training. Safe for a place. grasp of his subject, little thought how his rash project of reform But he does look At the next Meeting would affect the price of so valuable an investment as that of On the big side. Bring out the Bay. Honduras Bonds. ee 4 = "5 0’ beating, om, See, en it’s his day. H.R.H. rae Parnce of Waxes dined with his Brother Benchers at ee ee Webs abl the Middie Temple last Wednesday. ‘The Festive Night Templars were Doubtful thouch, Hum! Ba to th tab ee ever celebrated for their Hospitality. On reading the list of names, Pit indeed! - N A * Che . Ri 1” Sir ARTHUR SvLLIvax, who made his first appearance here on this Ys ; - _— occasion, remarked that there were so many ‘* Masters” present, it sounded like a juvenile party without any Misses. For omnes, we back the Middle Temple against Hampton Court or the Na _ Excoance or Comprrments.—Lord Mayor to Czar. Congratula-| Gallery for possessing the finest Collection of Old Masters in the tions! Czar to Lord Mayor. Ditto! Wish I were you! world. And young ’uns, too.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jovne 9, 1883. OLMIS YA! FLL, MAPA D OM ME) Z Ma 24 Gg Wr. & \ SUTIRIR EES (my. \ A WY NOT } Nv 1) it IAW ‘ SCRATCHED.” W. E. G. (Trainer), “TAKE HIM BACK. WE MAY GET HIM ‘FIT’ BY NEXT MEETING, PR’APS; BUT HE AIN’T IN IT THIS TIME!!”

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Jone 9, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 273 = LE CHEMIN DU PARODY POUR TOOLE MONDE. Tae Haymarket Fedora could not have a better advertisement than the Stage-Dora at Toole’s Theatre. Tothoroughly agueeesets thelatter, it is absolutely necessary to have seen the former. The odd part of it— there are several odd parts, but this is the one par excellence—is that a comparatively unknown poung Actress, Miss INDEN, by _ closely studying Mrs. BrnnarD BEgRE’s performance of Fedora, has given us an imitation which recalls Sana Bernuarpt far more vividly than it does Mrs. B. BEERE at the Haymarket. Of course, this only shows what comparatively easy work copying an original is to a painstaking in- telligent Artist; and it also shows how cleverly close must have been Mrs, BEERE’S reproduction. The faculty of imitation is more or less common, but to give the imitation that subtle touch of humour which turns a it into a caricature is a rare gift. As to whether a piece like Fedora should be an object of travesty, and whether one Actor should give a laughable presentment of another, the Orientals have one perfect word in answer to all such considerations urged by a few ‘“‘ very superior. persons,” and that is the monosyllable, ‘‘ Bosh!” Of course, the object o caricature must be very well known to the public, and even generally popular, to give any relish to the humour. Don’t we all chuckle at seein comically imitated ? It does not detract from our estimate of a friend's worth to see absurd prominence given to his peculiarities. There is no malice in it, though the mischief-maker of course insinuates that there is. Judicious admirers of Mr. Invine, for example, will be amused by a genuinely good imitation of their favourite Actor’s mannerisms; and it will even add a zest to their enjoyment when they see him again in the part. It is only one step from the Sublime to the Ridiculous; and were the Sublime to exagge- rate, he would at once render himself Ridiculous. Against the danger of exaggeration the really humorous caricature is a warning. As to the weak points of the original play, as we have already said in our notice of it, Fedora will not stand ten minutes’ serious consideration ; but it isa proof of Sarpov’s genius that he risked everything for the sake of Sara: he kept his eye on Sana, and Sana pulled him through. _ That Loris Ipanoff should have been totally ignorant of the rela- tions between Fedora and Vladimir is absurd; but without this improbable hypothesis the play could not go on. Then SaRpov’s device is so evident, as to be even clumsy, when at the end of Act II. Loris defers his information until the evening; for other- wise we should not have had the situation of danger made by Gretch and is police waiting for him in the back garden. Again, in Act III., when Fedora finds she has made a mistake, and that is innocent, why can she not step out, or run to Marka her maid (who was one of those charged to obey Gretch ro pero , and to remain dressed on her bed all night, to be “‘ left called for ’’), and tell her to summon Gretch, explain the matter to him, send the police away, and let Loris go quietly and respect- ably home to his own lodgings ? And again, as Fedora is in confidential communication with the ussian Government, why, when she finds Zoris is innocent, does she not send a wire to announce the fact, adding “* letter to follow” ? , Jn the sixth week of the French Plays at the Gaiety, Sana herself nounced to appear as Fedora. Two Richmonds in the field ;— pay a is only real July weather, an extra Richmond will be os Wanve made a hit as Jean Bancroft de Siriex, and Mr. TooLz looked like the sort of Vanity Fair caricature that Signor CaRzo RINI would make of Mr. CoeHtan. When Loris spoke, how- ke there Ln no doubt about his identity, and he was J. L. Toots one else. As he leaves London for his provincial tour at the end of this month, Stage-Dora, or, Who Killed Cock Robin—(a better title, if I> Getiing in.o the Swing of it. the tricks and manners of our best friends|be th Miss LINDEN were as diaphanous as Sara of former days, might have been Iil-Fed Dora—will have a short}life but’a merry one in Town. Mr. Tooxx will give her a run in the Country, and bring her up to London again if t’other Fedora is still going on at the i, Haymarket, of which there seems at present , to be every chance. The New Opera at Covent Garden.—We must defer our illustrated notes of this new work till next week, as our Artist was so upset wr im - poe oa + ome os line where e people play at being at sea, and swing forwards and backwards in such an unpleasantly suggestive manner, that, being of a delicate organisation, he rose from his seat, smapeced along Fop’s Alley to the door, nearly fell down the companion, addressed the Stall-keeper as ‘Steward!’ yelled for brandy immediately, and didnot turn up again—we use the phrase advisedly —the whole evening. So we were left alone in our glory, to be nearly stunned by the shouting on the stage, and the fortissimo orchestra. oe The Opera—in which we ought to take a family interest, as the music is by Signor PoNcHINELLO, or PoncHIELLO, to a libretto by one “* Topra GorRIo ”—clearly a sly dog, and a connection of Zoby— is emphatically a stunner. e fancy it will be By ular. The —~ reminds us of VERDI, and the translation of the Abretto is decidedly Wordy. There is plenty of melody in the Opera, but whether it is our PoNnCHINELLO’s, or not, we, who are perfectly impar- tial, cannot at a first hearing decide. , The music, generally, struck us as being so far like the name of ‘Smita ” that we had a sort of recollection of having heard jit somewhere before. The plot is slightly idiotic, and the situations are hackneyed and stagey. Madame Duranp can act as well as sing. The translator of the libretto, instead of giving us a commonplace English prose equivalent, has attempted a little operatic poetry on his own account, to which anyone, when oppressed by the Opera, can gratefully turn. We have only time and space for one extract this week, which shall e finish; and we ask our readers, who have not yet seen La Gioconda, to tell us what kind of an Opera they fancy it is from the specimen which winds up the entire work :— Graconpa “ stabs herself with the dagger that she had furtively secreted while adorning herself, and falls dead, as vf lightning-struck.” ‘* Furtively secreted” is good. If she didn’t secrete it furtively, how could she have secreted it allP Openly P : ** As tf lightning-struck”’ is terrific as a stage-direction. Then Barnaba, the villain of the Opera, says, or sings— ‘* Ah, stay thee! ’tis a jest! Well, Then, thou shalt hear this, And die ever damned !’’ Why ‘“‘thee” and “thou” should be used passes our compre- hension, as Barnaba most decidedly is not a member of the Society of Friends. But the Translator-Poet loves quakerisms ‘throughout. Then Barnaba,—very bad man, Barnaba,— Warde is it ? “ Bending over the corpse of GIACONDA, and screaming furiously into her ear”? — [‘‘ Screaming furiously” is quite in accordance with the previous style of the Opera|—gives her, dead or not, the following startling information by way of finale :— *¢ Last night thy mother did offend me: I have strangled her! She hears me not ! [With a cry of half-choked rage, rushes down the street.” Where, let us hope, the Bad Barnaba is collared by a Policeman, and taken before the sitting Doge, or one of the Council of Ten, next morning. But what an endi g to a Grand Opera—‘‘ Thy mother did offend me.” This is a grander way of putting it than merely ‘* offended me,” which any ordinary proser wo have written. And ‘*I have strangled her.” How simple! how natural! | then off he goes down the street to take a gondola to his lodgings. More of this anon. THE gs Company have left London for a one of months, and ‘* The er’s Occupation’s gone!” Late last Saturday night one dejected Masher asked another what town Mr. HoLiinesHRAD’s Company was going to first. The ‘‘Jomnniz,” who had been at- tempting to drown care in copious libations, replied, ‘‘ Den’t know which town firsht: rather think Masherster.’

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274 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —$$—_ [Juxe 9, 1883, A FESTIVE SALE. Ir is not often that such a chance occurs of os a really miscellaneous assemblage of property as that afforded by an individual at Newton Abbot, in Devonshire, who advertises this unique collection in the Western Times. Do you want twelve fireproof safes,—here you are, though one, or at most two, would be enough for the majority of people. 0 you desire a wrought-iron six- panelled door with bolts and jambs all complete, to put before the safes, we suppose,— here you are. Do you wish for sixty copper furnaces, they are ready for you. Do you long for thirty new and secondhand kitchen-stoves, this generous man will sell them to you. Do you hanker after iron- work for an oven, it is ready for you. Do you look with envy on the possessor of market-traps— here are two, doubtless cheap. Have you long wished for a hand- some carriage and two sets of harness, this benefactor of his race has them on sale. Above all, does your soul yearn for a set of false teeth, as all sympathetic souls do sometimes, here they are advertised by this genuine Philanthropist, and such a great and good man will, we feel. certain, be at the trifling expense of making them fit for you. But that is not all. A bonne bouche remains, concerning which we can say nothing, for it speaks for itself. After using the safes, fastening the door, roasting in the furnaces and stoves, driving the traps and carriages, fitting the harness on, and putting in the set of false teeth, the adver- tiser offers you a secondhand saw-pit / Don’t all go to Newton Abbot at once. the PREMIER. PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 139. SIR ARCHIBALD LEVIN SMITH. Nor Levin’ Smirn, sur Takinc SMITH AND A,L-EVATING HIM TO THE BENCH, WHERE HE’LL REST ON HIS OARS. Anecdote,—** Is there room for another Judge on the Bench?” asked ‘Plenty !” replied the Lornp CaaNcELLoR, me an inch, and I’ll take A. L,—Smirg.” And he did. A QUESTION OF COLOUR, (By @ Bewildered Bachelor.) How may one describe the tint Of adress? The lady in’t Doubtless knows it, but what male adventure and not fail ? Strike the lyre with thumb or @) — f th n the colours of the spectrum. Violet, Indigo, and —_— Green, Red, Yellow. Nonsense! Pooh ! Obsolete, you ’re within no range; But one tint—and that is orange— Lives from the old scale chromatic. Now Pomona’s autocratic, Tints are named from ripe or raw berry, Called *‘ Mashed Raspberry” or ** Crushed Strawberry.” Damsels’ lips delight to dwell on ze Plum” or ‘ Withered tele n y you may court Will display a fruity port ; And, from bonnets down to boots, Dames are now ‘‘ known by their fruits.” ““WYE is a very small Race Meeting,’ observed a mild Sportsman, the other day. ‘* We —goon with the riddle. I haven't heard it,’? said an impatient person in the carriage. ‘‘ Why is a very small meeting—like— like what? eh?” And the mild young Sportsman had to explain. The Tale of Troy. Success the Greeks, At Lady Freaxr’s, Did one and all obtain. The Tale of Troy So good, that oi P Do hope they ’1l ‘‘ Troy again.” Torr AntTiciPations.—Order- ing your own tombstone, with a neat epitaph on it. ** Give OUR OFFISHIAL GUIDE. Part I[I.—Great Brirarn. THOosE who peruse the excellent introduction to the bulky shilling catalogue of the great show, by Mr. Herpert TRENDELL, cannot but be struck by the lofty object the promoters of the Exhibition seem to have had in view from the incubation of their praiseworthy enter- prise. We are told that they wished ‘‘ to defend the natural wealth of our rivers and seas from the rapacity of greed and the reckless- ness of pollution, to provide improved harbour accommodation and greater facilities for transport and commerce, to render the meals of the million more palatable, more wholesome, and, at the same time, more economical.” ‘* But all these things,” they observe, through their eloquent spokesman, ‘‘sink into insignificance when compared with the safe-guarding of our fishermen’s lives and the improvement of our fishermen’s homes.” anes thus with what philanthropic aspirations the promoters commenced their labours, it is a little dis- smpeatin _to find the principal and unquestionably most popular exhibit which attracts attention on leaving the grand entrance hall is a case full of salad bowls, fish knives and forks, and cruet stands, made chiefly from the claw of the boiled lobster. It is also a trifle unsatisfactory to discover that, in a meey 4 so firmly intended to benefit the human race, a box containing a feather cloak, gratefully presented to Lady Brassxy by some semi-cannibal potentate, has more interest in the eyes of the Public than ‘‘ Division I., No. 1. = herring-net, made by machinery.” Still the British Sea hing, which monopolises no less than eighty of the Guide, a certain sort of attractiveness which y finds vent in the exclamation of a more than y in’ visitor of ‘‘ not half bad, but which is the way to the band?” Of course, it would be impossible to notice all the many useful little articles displayed in the fifty divisions devoted to Great Britain. However, a few may be picked out for special mention :— No. 87. ‘* Steam Life-boat. Constructed not only to save life, but, from its great buoyancy (obtained by many revolving air-tight rollers acting as propellers), will help to support a ship from sinking, and tow same into port. The life-boat contains a large space for salvage, §c., also, when at anchor, would serve as a revolving light- ship.” 'Uhus far the official catalogue. However, to the thoughtful it must be obvious that this excellent vessel may be applied to many other purposes. With its carriage it could be used as an admirable Brompton and Islington omnibus. Turned upside down, it would make a pleasant hut for a pic-nic pay in astorm. Standing on its stern, it could easily be altered into a Punch and Judy Show. An at all times the boiler might be employed in cooking eggs. ’ No. 111. ‘* Portable India-rubber Boats.” Most useful in & sketching expedition. When not employed in assisting at the paint- ing of a water-colour, might be used for rubbing out superfluous pencil-marks, A y ical _ No. 114. “* Patent Collapsible Boat.” Capital thing for a practi oke. : No. 169. ‘‘ Model of a Well Vessel.” No doubt, in some future exhibition, a model of the same boat will be shown when not 80 A —#ay, when sickening for the measles, or in for the whooping- cough. it 0. 186. “Norfolk Crab Boats.” Admirably adapted, te youngsters learning to row. In these vessels they may catch a8 many crabs as they please. ———

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| Jose 9, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 275 ay ee a ee

\\\\ | | | | | fee a i | “CROSS OLD THING!” Wife. “*I’m Gorna INTO Town Now, Dear. Saauu I Book PLaces FOR Casts OR MucH Apo ABour Noruine?” Husband, ‘‘On, PLEASE YOURSELF, MY Deaz; BUT I SHOULD SAY WE’VE ENOUGH ‘ADO ABOUT NoTHING’ aT Home!”

No. 201. ‘* White Manilla Boat-Tie.” Very pretty. Sure to| worthy whitebait when they are honestly entitled to be called ‘‘ Small attract considerable attention at an evening party. and Early.’ : ‘ No. 2 “Collection of Rope suitable for Fishing Vessels.”| No. 644. ‘* Medical Cod-Liver Oil.” Excellent for curing con- Deeply interesting, but not quite so exciting as a collection of | sumptive herrings. ‘ . unsuitable rope would have been. No. 648. ‘* Common Salt.” Useful for putting on the tails of 0. 276. ‘* Fog Horns, to be seen in action in the Machinery | whales when you want to catch them. Division.” Great improvement. Much better than being heard!) No. 698. ‘* Printing Machinery.” Very handy on board a fish-

These silent fog-horns might be safely used in a nursery. ing smack where a daily paper is published. 9 =. Model of ——. i — Nets by Steam.” A very different process to biting nets by electricity. . : . No. 364. ‘** Raba,’ the Fish Preserver.” Sounds like a novel «ae } jan sy gives his soe Cont oie Spet feb by Captain Mayne Rem, but isn’t. Gran d Old Mo Rave as t St pore a iF dew next No. 374. “A Life-preserving Atmospheric Helmet and Atmos-|\2™8™ orning Concert) at St. James's Hall, Friday next.

pheric Belt (with safety rae ‘and prot oct the | Among the genuinely great attractions named for this occasion, Mr. 7 = to Rie “ i i < h Head from the overwhelming effect of the Wind, Foam, and Waves of Hew yo men sous Sieeemne La pa seg oe = Spends pede ad ows Sea.” Nice birthday gift toa Maiden Aunt fond of yachting. a recitation.”? Of course, very kind; but will the attraction be in- a ay hos ya eee ae e me —— a tensified by its being this Actress’s “ first appearance at a Concert ? ” not be injured by Torpedoes. ear and satisfactory—on paper ! It is suggestive either of an apology for condescending to a Music No. 390. ‘* Paddle Steamboat, earthenware, with a dark-brown ; . q laze, . ” all,—we mean a Hall of Music,—or of her being so bewildered tee Jrom Chana Klan, Dardaneln” Come, come, Lady Baise, |y he fet appearance at Conor,” asf require al the supper “ . ” F her friends can give her. We wish our first Cusins every success, Bo Bago a builders ~—- a. Fae ir and trust that Mrs. Kenpat (who, we believe, is Professoress of frighten the poor infants into fits ! : Elocution at the R.C.M.) will get over the severe trial which this No. 470. fT of Fly Vices for Fly Making.” Decidedly ‘first appearance at a Concert” will evidently be to her nervous —. We have always inculeated ‘‘ Fly Vice ae ut we haven't | System. much further. As to ‘‘ Fly-making”—we co as soon go in ; . for Cab-making or Coach-building. As a fish always takes a fly to| , TH Butr Case.—Miss R. was reading the Law Report to her save itself the trouble of swimming, fly-making must be profitable. Aunt :—‘‘ The Learned Counsel was proceeding with his argument .No. 477. ‘* Umbrellas for Fishing and other purposes.” The Exhi- when the Court rose.” ‘‘ What manners!’ exclaimed Mrs. Rams- bition would not have been complete without them. ‘* Fishing—and | BOTHAM. “The Judges ought to know better. And how very = ape oe Why not shooting? Capital sport on the Moors | #0noying for the Learned Counsel. an umbrella! No. 533. ‘ Condensed Swiss Milk.” Excellent food for very| Compete LetrerR- Writmne Papers — recently invented by young salmon. “J. W. & Co.” :—Crocodile Paper.—Spécialité for humbugs, on No. 542, “* Paysandu Ox Tongues.” The favourite breakfast | which to write sympathetic gushers. Morocco Paper.—For sending plat of the middle-aged Thames gudgeon. - | invitations to the Moors. August. Leather Paper.—The envelopes No. 549. “‘ Gold Medals.” Intended for presentation to praise-! are excellent: warranted to excite and defy impertinent curiosity.

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276 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. $$. [June 9, 1883, ASCOT—AS CUT BY DUMB-CRAMBO JUNIOR. Betting on the Lawn. as Weighed In. UNHAPPY BY ACT OF PARLIAMENT ; OR, SAUCE FOR THE GANDER. (A couple of Extracts from a coming Social Novel.) FROM VOL. I. * * * * * * Tue distinguished Parliamentary Philanthropist laughed heartily. “Tf our little Bill, my dear Lord Bishop,” he continued, still shaking with the —_ humour that visibly infected him, ** only mes law, Sunday may ibly prove even a trifle less festive and exhilarating an institution to our self-selected friend— the Working Man—than it does at present! Still,” he added, with a cheery guffaw, ‘‘ there will be at least the streets to fall back upon ; and, failing those, the free seat! All you will have to do, my Lord, will be to get your Clergy to put alittle more go and spice into their excellent sermons.” The good Ecclesiastic smiled pleasantly. He had received reports 'from his energetic lieutenants of a hopeful character, and he “was jsanguine. The honest sons of toil under their charge had for some \time been having the doors of Museums and Picture Galleries merrily ‘slammed in their f ; and though, on their one day of recreation, ithey had perversel declined as yet to rush at leaps and bounds into bees -_ places of a suburban chapel of ease, still things looked i bright. | The Philanthropist continued, ‘‘ Leave them nothing but their ‘grim, dirty, and wretched homes,” he said, “‘and then, out of sheer conpen and ill-temper they surely must come! And they ought to | Ne ee oe d by a Country Baron |. At this moment 8 ers were joined by a Country et, g champagne from a soda-water glass. : “‘ They ask for spirituous excess,”said the new-comer, with a sly twinkle in his eye; ‘‘ they might try a little spiritual refreshment,” The joke was new, pithy, and profoundly philosophical, and the witty trio gras it at once wi j j a facility that sent them into paroxysms of the wildest merriment. But, as they stood at the Club window, shaken with laughter, and holding the very balustrade for support, WILLIAM Syxzs, the Mile- nd cynic, was passing by on his way East,to his hovel in Shoreditch ! ‘* What are them three coves a-larking their ’eads off about?” he asked himself, reflectively. Then he one it out, and replied to his own question—‘‘ About nothink, I should say.’’ But he was wrong. He did not know that, that very afternoon, another Sunday Bill had been smothered through the Third Reading when the unsuspect- ing House was at tea ! A “ . FROM VOL, III. * + * * * * ‘* Well, I think we’ve carried this ’ere measure, anyways; and I hear it’s a working right down ’andsomely. Only yesterday a real live West End Nob got three months for being found drinkin; bottle of Soturn by himself in a — carriage.” roar of satisfaction from the earnest multitude. The speaker saw his advantage, and continued :—‘* And what’s our duty I should like to ask yer, but to look after the morals of the Nob? For can the Nob take care of hisself ? Look at ’im in all these past years agoin’ from bad to wuss in-them there Clubs of his, till the honest Workin’ Man felt that as the ’elpless Nob could do nothink for hisself, he must bestir hisself and do somethink for ’im! And what ’as the Workin’ Man done for’im? I say it with pride—the Workin’ Man has rescued ’im. Caucus legislation has come to his aid, and he ’as fought valiantly for that there Nob, and conquered,—though I say it.” The speaker paused 2 moment to take breath. Another deafening cat-call told of the deep-rooted enthusiasm that held his audience, A cool refreshing draught of gin from a pewter tankard on the com- mittee-table seemed to give him new energy. And he proceeded— ‘* And what haven’t we done for the Nob?” he asked, rising to a high pitch of eloquence, as he warmed with his subject. ‘* Haven’t we shut his Club for him every blessed night at half-past nine?” ‘““We’ave! Hooray, Mr. Sykes! Go it, Wirtt1am!” and other responsive cries of fervid Parliamentary support echoed again and again through the densely-packed building. __ ‘* Haven’t we,’’ the speaker went on, ‘‘ made it criminal for him to lay down more than half-a-dozen of anythink in his house at a time; shut up his Club for ’im on Saturdays at three right up to ten on Monday mornings ; took away his Sunday bit of Park, and got a new Bill that’s to put a settler on his se ye pee to death at ublic dinners through a ‘Second Reading’ ? a word, ain’t we a ookin’ after his morals like a father ?” ; The thunder of a thousand throats would have answered this noble interrogatory, but at that moment the gas was suddenly turned out, and, amidst a free fight and some thoughtful, but vigorous, head- breaking, the great philanthropic meeting was hastily adjourned. The Sunday afternoon so profitably spent was over at length, and as the shades of evening drew slowly in, the solitary Policeman in Pall Mall found a pinched and hungry figure crouched at the top of the kitchen-steps of the Reform Club. ‘Tryin’ to get in that way?” he said. ‘‘ You ought to be = ape of yourself: and youan M.P. But you’ll just come along with me.’ The officer seized the trembling creature by the collar as he spoke. It only looked up at him beseechingly. ‘“‘ Don’t be hard on me, good Mr. Policeman!’ it whined sadly, ‘I’m doing no harm. I’ve only been made very unhappy by Act of Parliament ! ” _ hte But in another minute officer and culprit were marching silently towards Bow Street, * * * An Official Answer. (On any Subject.) THE Member for Blank is exceedingly right: | We sympathise quite with his object—yes, quite. Our warmest desire is to carry it out, But really ——(two columns of smug ‘‘ roundabout ”)— The Member for Blank will perceive that the case Is merely a question of time and of place ; He will also perceive—for his judgment’s so clear !— ; That the time is—not now, and the place is—not here! ADAPTING FROM THE ENGLIsH.—France is going in for Old China. @= TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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Jone 16, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 277 CHARIVARI. CANDOUR. Pastor (who was preparing his Pupils for Confirmation), ‘*Now, My Boy, TELL ME, WHO IS YOUR SPIRITUAL AND GHOSTLY ENEMY ?” Pupil (after painful hesitation). ‘‘ Pirasr, Sr, you ARE, Sm!” A HANDBOOK OF KNOWLEDGE. No. X.—THE HAIRDRESSER (CONTINUED FROM P. 227), Will you describe some of the tortures and indignities experienced ? First there is the Ordeal of the Shroud. Q. What is that ? A, A huge swathing of white linen or cotton print. It is ‘“‘ whipped” around you with a twirl which fills your eyes and nose with irritating snippets of hair. It is vigorously ‘‘ tucked in,” at the back of your neck inside your shirt-collar. It compresses your throat till your face reddens and your nose itches. You cannot rub it with your hands, because they are confined. If you fumblingly attempt to chafe it through the shroud, you get more bits of hair into your mouth and nostrils. You sneeze violently, your helplessness is aniiest, your degradation complete. You gaze at your reflection in the mirror in front of you. A shining —- face, hair spiked ludicrously on end like a burlesque scalp-lock, a head helplessly punched and turned, and kneaded hither and thither, as though it were potter’s clay, or an ‘‘ universal joint,” now cranked to the right, now crooked to the left, now with chin hoisted in the air, now with nose buried in your shirt-front! You avert your glance; te feel that resolution, and judgment, and self-respect are yours no more ever. Q. Is not the worst now over ? A. By no means. Having reduced you to the weakness of’ self-contempt, irdresser seizes his desired opportunity. Q. Todowhat? 4. To patter and tout. » What are these processes ? A, To patter is to prate aimlessly, unintelligently, obtrusively about the topies of the time and the state of the weather. Patter has two chief forms :— 1, Emphatic assertion of the obvious. 2. Vague questioning concerning the trivial. For example, your tormentor, stooping with an oily smirk, will whisper, Co Y; into your ear—which he looks, as reflected in the glass, as though Were about to bite—confident assertions that It is a’ot mornin’, Sir, that the ye are a-gettin’ hout nicely, that there’s lots o’ people about to-day, ain’t Ly that we shall be ’avin’ some fallin’ weather before we’ve done with (he doesn’t say done with what), Q. A, winter now, and that we shall ’ave Crismus (he always calls it Crismus) upon us before we know where we har. Or he will ask you—as though you were a Meteoro- logical Office, or a Political Oracle—wot sort of a day you think we shall ’ave to-morrer ; are we going to get a bit o? summer this year? "Wot you think of these ’ere Salvation Army chaps. Whether they ’re a-goin’ to “ketch”? that there ‘‘ No. 1” after all, and wot’s to be Mr. Guapstine’s nezt little game. The helpless auditor of this sort of thing is either reduced to abject imbecility, or roused to boiling wrath. Happy is he upon whom it only produces the former effect. _ Q. What next? A. Patter is only preliminary to puff ; talking leads up—through personal rudeness—to touting. Q. Explain this. A, The Hairdresser pointedly calls your attention to your personal defects or disfigurements, with a view to puff and push off upon you the high-priced mucks and messes which he proudly refers to as ‘‘ hour Spesshallitys, Sir!” Patter is exasperating, but Touting is little short of criminal. It begins in rudeness to end—if you permit it—in extortion. Q. Is it not permissible for a Hairdresser, like any other person, to push the sale of his wares in a respectful and legitimate way ? A. Certainly. But the Hairdresser pushes them in a fashion that is not respectful and is not legitimate. Q. How is that ? A. In the first place, from your helpless position as subject of his craft, he has you at an unfair advantage. You cannot get away from his oily fingers, his greasy whispers, his fatuous cackle, his personal criticisms, his unblushing puffs. If he tells you in a tone of confident candour, that your hair is ‘‘offly dry,” ‘‘ going off colour,” or ‘‘ gettin’ terrible thin a-top,’’ the imperti- nence which in another case would earn kicks from your boots is regarded in his as a natural means of extorting halfpence from your pockets. If he assures you that his wretched unguents and stimulants and dyes will repair the ravages of time, the brazen and dishonest falsehood with which he insults your intelligence and assaults your purse is not recognised or resented as a fraudulent attempt at ‘‘ obtaining money under false pretences,” but as being ‘‘ all in the way of business.” Q. Is the Hairdresser’s system more unfair and offen- sive than that of many other trades ? A. It is; for several reasons :— 1. His facilities for impertinence and importunity are, from the necessity of the case, exceptional. 2. His mode of puffing his nasty nostrums is par- ticularly unpleasant and unscrupulous. 3. The nasty nostrums themselves are peculiarly worthless and deleterious. Q. Can you suggest any amelioration of the unplea- sant state of things which you describe ? A, Art may perhaps, some day, devise something which will make us independent of the manual manipulations of the degenerate modern Figaro. Pending that most desirable consummation, the annoyances actually attend- ing the necessarily unpleasant coon of shearing and shaving might be indefinitely diminished. The Hair- dresser should be strictly, if need be legally, limited to the deft exercise of his legitimate functions. You wish him to cut your hair or shave your beard. You do not wish him to discuss politics with you. More emphati- cally still, you do not wish him to puff and push his particular wares.* Were patter rigorously limited, and touting inexorably prohibited, hair-cutting need not be, what at present it is, the most agonising and exacer- bating of social ordeals. * There are a few brilliantine exceptions to the rule, but where they are to be found must remain a secret known only to the initiated few.— Headitorial Note by the Author of the Hair and Many Friends. An Anson Apotocy.—When Mr. Wraxty Coprins’s ill-constructed and badly-written Play was steadily laughed at, scene by scene, last Saturday night, Mr. Anson told the audience that they ought to pay respect- ful attention to the piece because it was the work of ‘‘a ary Novelist.” Funny argument. The Great Novelist ad better remember Ne Sutor, &c. (no connection with that we must be lookin’ forward to the! R. Sourar of the Gaiety), and if he can’t write a better play, let this be his last. It was capitally acted. But who is responsible for choosing it ? VOL, LXXXIV. BB

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——e [Jone 16, 1883, $$, EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES. Prodigal Son (who has gone to the bad). ‘‘AH, IT’S ALL VERY WELL FOR YOU Ir’s PRECIOUS EASY TO KEEP STRAIGHT ON NOTHING A YEAR, AND YOU WERE THROWN PENNILESS ON THE WORLD AT FouriEEN! I SHOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEEN YOU IN MY OIRCUMSTANOES, AFTER A PUBLIC SoHOOL AND COLLEGE EDUCATION, AND AN ALLOWANCE OF FIVE HUNDRED PER TO TALK, FATHER. ANNUM EVER SINCE!” [Stern but just Father has to admit the force of this argument, and caves in. LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL, Away with all sorrow, ome with all gloom, Now may is in blossom, and lilac in bloom ; * The golden laburnum, in gardens, is gay, The windows are bright with their rh. display ; The air is delightful and warm is the sun, The chestnuts are snowy, the Derby is won. Piccadilly is pleasant from daylight to dark, And Bond Street is crowded and gay is the Park— So now is the time that you all ought to go And sit on a Chair, ’neath the trees in the Row! For only a penny I sit in the shade, And gaze with delight on the gay cavalcade! While countless romances I read, if I please, In the people I see from my Chair ’neath the trees, Tis better by far than an Opera-stall, A crowded ‘‘ at-home ” or a smart fancy ball ; Or gazing at pictures, or playing at pool, Or playing the banjo, or playing the fool— When soft summer breezes from Kensington blow, Tis pleasant to sit on a Chair in the Row! What studies of man and of woman and horse, Here pass up and down on the tan-trodden course! The Earl and the Duke and the Doctor are there, The author, the actor, the great millionnaire ; The first-season beauties whose roses are red, The third-season beauties whose roses have fled ! M.P.s, upon cobs, fully weighted with care, And pets, upon ponies, with long sunny hair— I note them all down, as they pass to and fro, And muse in my Chair, ’neath the trees in the Row! What countless fair pictures around may be seen, How colours flash bright on their background of green! A bouquet of figure, of fashion, of face, And dainty devices in linen and lace! The triumphs of Wort and of Madame E isz, You see as you ponder and moon ’neath the trees, *Tislunch-time. I’ll drive to the Club—fare one bob— For here comes my Editor — a cob. He thinks I am working ; he little does know I’m smiling on him from my Chair in the Row! t * “Tilacin bloom” mow! When Our Minstrel next applies to the Magistrates for a renewal of his Poetic Licence, he had better not refer to this poem.—Eb. + Smiling on us! Bosh! He was nervously watching the chair. man who collects the pennies, and just as the latter moved towards him, the Lazy One rose to the occasion and walked off.—Ep. HanpeEt Festrvat.—Every one will go to a Festival with a Handel.to its name. It begins on the 18th and ends on the 22nd. The Company has an energetic Secre- tary in Mr. Garprngr, and the grounds are looking lovely, as they ought to do, with an experienced Gaz- DINER to attend to them. OUR OFFISHIAL GUIDE. Part IV.—CoLonrat. Havine disposed of Great Britain, we next turn our attention to its dependencies. In the First Exhibition it is said that the people inhabiting a Cannibal island, having nothing better to send, dis- patched a primitive kind of birch-broom and the wooden idol they were in the habit of worshipping, to represent them. Some of our Colonies seem to have acted in a similar spirit on the present occa- sion. We find numbers of flags and mottoes, but very little fish. A rapid run through the Courts may not be uninstructive. Heligoland.—In the Official Catalogue the Governor of this poverty-stricken spot has written an introduction, which is nothing more nor less than an urgent appeal to the charitable. In 1878 the fleet of one hundred flat-bottomed sloops were reduced to twenty- seven. A Benefit Society has been organised, which at present has only £8 in hand. The 307 fishermen, and their families, on the island scarcely ever taste meat, and chiefly feed upon haddock. There are only five exhibits in this py The first is ‘‘a fishing-line in tray complete,” the second ‘‘ a lobster-pot,”’ the third **a model,” and the fourth ‘‘a buoy invented by the Exhibitor.” In the summer months fishing is almost entirely abandoned, as the hardy boatmen employ their time in connection with the bathing- machine interest, which flourishes at this season of the year. In conclusion, the Governor pathetically explains that, although * yielding to none as aa mf they are precluded from going far to sea to earn their daily » ‘because they have no harbour.’ Perhaps this little display from Heligoland is the most pai feature in the Exhibition—even more heart-rendin, the Economical Fish-Market, which was to reduce harvest of the sea,” but hasn’t! — , Bahamas.— Again disappointing. The ‘‘ Central Committee, Nassau,” seem to have done their best to make the Show attractive by exhibiting, amongst a few other articles, ‘‘a pair of Palmetto shoes” and “two kegs of pickled goggle-eyes.” But as pearls are found in the fisheries of this country, the opportunity is seized by a West-End tradesman to have a branch establishment for the dis- play of his jewellery—in which, of course, pearls are introduced. British Columbia. — Chiefly remarkable for a jovial exhibit, which would have brought tears to the eyes of Sir WiLFRID Lawson—“ A number of fishes in alcohol.” It is only just, however, to . that, in spite of this piscatorial display of intemperance, the deport- ment of the tipsy denizens of the boundless ocean is inoffensive— nay, even di ed. . ; Ceylon.—This interesting land is represented by a few nets and some models. One of the latter—No. 4—is indeed remarkable. We are told by the Catalogue that as prawns are used as bait fr boat, it is called ‘‘ the prawn boat.” It is difficult to conceive how they come to think of such clever things in Ceylon. ; i Newfoundland.—Ignored in our edition of their Official Guide. imens of “‘ strong chiefly ani However, it is worth seeing if only for some om copper-ore”—an odd fish. Remaining exhibits Model‘of a seal-hunt, also interesting. Seals said to be very ierce creatures, and capturing them a hazardous employment. In fact, if you want to get a seal, you must keep on the watch. e price of “the

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Canada.—Also contemptuously omitted in the Catalogue. The most striking object in this Court is a magnificent ‘‘ trophy,” hap- pily recalling the glories of the Exhibition of 1862, which, it will be remembered, culminated in a gorgeous case of pickles. Nothing finer than this “‘ trophy” can be seen out of the Civil Service Stores. However, there is a slight omission—the prices of the various potted material which, as everybody knows, is found in huge quantities in the primeval forests of the Canadian backwoods ! Besides‘the above, es are some models of fish-breeding establishments and a few tins th Preserved salmon.” Large map of the country cumbers one of bed walls; the _ should have been appropriately spared for advertisements rom this it must not be supposed that everything 1s sacrificed On the contrary, the col- lection also ’s head ! to “‘ commercial purposes.” contains a very well prepared skeleton of a

Australia.—Also ignored by ‘the other Guide.” The principal | exhibit is a large coat-of-arms of the Colony, which, perhaps, may be accepted as a specimen of fishy heraldry. ‘ Having run through “‘ The Dependencies of the British Throne,” it | will be as well to turn our attention next to the Foreign Courts, of | which that claimed by the United States seems to be the chief. 3 | the way, there is a so-called ‘‘ American Bar,’”’ which, apparently, —_ &c., should have been given. The Dominion is further repre- | sented by an ice-house made of layers of ‘* Willesden paper re, | By has as little to do with our transatlantic cousins as with the bar of the ocean. And the sustenance obtained at this bar is not to be compared with the nourishment obtained by the harvest of the sea, upon which, it is to be hoped, Sir Henry THompson, the eminent surgeon, will shortly be induced to deliver a lecture. For, after all, the end of the Exhibition should be an increased activity in dealing with ‘the denizens of the mighty deep.” It must be remembered that fish is not only excellent as food for the body, but is also a capital medicine (containing as it does phosphorus) for what the late Dr. Forses WInsLow used appropriately to call ‘‘the obscure diseases of the brain.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (June 16, 1883, LA! GIOCONDA! OR, PONCHIELLI AND TOBIA’S OPERA. WE have heard La Gioconda twice, and like it. There are in it elements of popularity,—in fact, the elements are so familiar that its popularity is a foregone conclusion. It belongs to the Verdi school, and is just the sort of thing that a clever musical imitator with a certain humorous talent for composition, might produce, if left alone with a grand piano, a big drum, and a pair of cymbals. At Covent Garden, the Opera is capitally put on the Stage, and the success of Madame Duranp as La Gioconda, of Mile. Tremetir as La Cieca, of Madame Staut as Laura, and of Signor Corognr as Barnaba is indisputable. The Artistes above- named can act as well as sing. The Chorus is admirable ; and the pitched— the high-pitched battle they have with the orchestra, which vainly endeavours by the aid of brass, drum, and cymbals, and, we fancy, an airly brought in gong, to drown their voices, is won by the Chorus in the most gallant style. The Opera, as far as the acting goes, is remarkable for the reckless disregard of the stage-directions contained in the published book. In the First Scene— ‘the Grand Courtyard of the Ducal Palace ’—where all the celebrated sights of Venice are so cleverly brought together, that a Coox’s Tourist with a Murray's Handbook would see the whole place in half-an-hour, and be off by the next train somewhere’else—"* The Stage,” says the stage-direction, ‘‘ is filled with holiday folks’? — Coox’s r ¢ Tourists of the period—"* Monks, Sailors, ] } Shipwrights, Masquers, §c., and amidst the busy crowd are seen some Dalmatians and Moors.’ Now, we won’t swear to knowing ‘‘some Dalmatians’? when we see them,—except Dalmatian Dogs which run behind carriages,—but we will take our oath to a Moor anywhere,—from Scotland to Venice,—and we deliberately assert that we couldn’t see a Moor on that Stage. There wasn’t a Moor there; no Moor there was. Was Othello a Moor or not? Yes. Was he black? Yes. Very well, then—if there was a black man in that crowd, we tell ‘‘a white one,” that’s all. We looked for the ‘* Monks,” but the were conspicuous by their absence. Mind, we praise the Stage-Manager for this, as ; he evidently rightly said, ‘‘ What should Providence which shapes Monks be doing here when they ought our Ends” so. to be in Church, where we shall want them presently to sing a hymn.”’—Right: but why leave them in the printed stage-directions, and so waste the precious time of the audience, and distract our attention from the music? We are not sure whether the audience couldn’t insist legally on having their money re- turned: as, if someone who likes to see Monks and Moors on the Stage, purchases a guinea ticket because he has read in the officially guaranteed Opera book that Monks and oors are to be seen on that Stage in the First Act, and, when he goes, there are none, hasn’t he his legal remedy against Mr. Gyr and his co- Directors for breach of con- tract, or for obtaining money under false pretences ? We concede the ‘‘ some Dal- matians”—they might have been there; but Monks and Moors we conscientiously affirm were not on that seene as they undoubtedly ought to have been. A fez or a turban doesn’t make a Moor ; and we want a Moor propre—i.e., a proper Moor, or even a property Moor. Passons! Barnaba, the The Man who lost the Boat-race. Enzo the Fiver; or, Only Half aTenor. “There is a The ‘*Moth”’ and her ‘*Mother.” The latter is a specimen of a Venetian Blind. bad _man of the piece, ought, on the entrance of La Gioconda and her Blind Mother, to ‘‘ hide behind a column.” He doesn’t do any- thing of the sort: first, because there is no column handy for the _ ; and, secondly, because he has to join in a trio, for which, if e is to be heard at all, he must come down to the footlights and stand in a line, en évidence, with La Gtoconda, whom Barnaba calls the ‘‘Moth”—(but he is always alluding to people as ‘‘Gadflies” and ** Moths ” and ‘‘ Lions”’ —funny bad man, Bar- naba)—and La Cieca. This position of his is all right for Cieca, who is blind as a bat (why didn’t Barnaba allude to her as ‘‘ the bat” P— oversight of Librettist), but not for Za Gioconda, | who has to make believe | very much that she | \/ doesn’t see him when he / is within a few feet of her in the open court- yard, shouting his asides to the effect that at the sight of Gioconda, ‘‘the Al-vise and Half-Vizor. wildest ecstasies within ie me waken! Beware, thee, Moth, if in my net thou ’rt taken!” They all use “thee” and “thou” in the translation, as if they were Venetian Quakers. For this reason, it might be styled a Bright Opera. Then Barnabda tries to stop Gioconda, who, being only an pp street-singer, comes out pretty strongly with go ia = - ee ig ’ ‘¢ Go thou to the devil, thou and thy guitar, too!’’ And after this display of temper, which has still something of the Quaker in it, Barnaba exclaims, ‘Ah, no; thou shalt not fly me” —whereupon she immediately does fly him, and makes a precipitate exit. ‘‘So!” says Barnaba, ‘‘the Moth has escaped me.” Only because the idiot didn’t run after her. The Moth, who must walk quite fourteen stone, couldn’t have got far in two minutes ; though, having a fine and powerful arm, she might have given him a nasty one on his ear, had he attempted to come up with her. Then everybody returns, singing Seley and gaily one of the best numbers in the Opera. Here the Librettist becomes tired of details, and simply writes, ‘‘Enter— Chorus People, §c., bringing in triumph the Victor in the Regatta.” This summary of ‘* Chorus — ee looks like the result of a row with the Stage-Manager, resulting ina compromise. No Moors, no ‘‘some Dalmatians,” no Shipwrights, simply any of them brought in, en bloc, as ‘‘ Chorus People, &c.” The boat-race has, apparently, been between a very fat man and a very slight one, with the inevitable result. Zuane, the fat man, who required at least another twelve months’ training, is very angry, objects to Bad Barnaba’s chaff, but honestly admits ‘“‘ My boat was sadly over-weighted.” Barnaba incites Zuane and the ‘‘ Chorus People, &c.”’ to murder La Cieca as a Witch > ts a stupid story), and they are just going to haul her off when La Gioconda rushes in; then Gioconda’s lover, Enzo, comes to the rescue, and addresses the ‘* Chorus People, &c.,”’ thus: ‘‘ These locks, grey and scattered, Harm no longer! My sword shall protect them!” from which sentiment the inference would naturally be, that Enzo was a Venetian Hairdresser, whose trade was liable to suffer from the ‘‘ Chorus People, &c.’s,” violence towards the old Lady with the very apparent gauze over her eyes, meant to indicate blindness, —which it doesn’t a bit, and only looks exactly like what it is, t.e., gauze, which is most useful when going - road to the Derby, but point- ess an pon ogg | for La Cieca. Then enter, down the staircase, Alvise and Laura his wife, followed by a — of pages, carrying two sofa - cushions, and keeping near Alvise and Laura, as if the contracted a habit of sitting down : F suddenly anywhere, or of going to sleep in the middle of the , and so requiring a cushion for comfort at any minute, without the slightest warning. Zaura wears a half-mask, for no reason, except for the sake of the plot, so that she may not be recognised by La Gioconda, in the Second Act. ‘* Why art thou Barnaba asks Enzo to take his Number.

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Jone 16, 1888.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ASSISTANCE WHATEVER, Sport Curt By Mup-SALAD MARKET TO THE NEAREST RAILWAY STATION. N.B.—Witt THE Nosirt LANDLORD OBLIGE WITH A SOLUTION TO THIS PUZZLE, Any ie | we gave last week. Bad Barnaba declares that he has strangled La Cieca because she annoyed him, and then he rushes down the street. The Operais successful, though not to be mentioned in the same breath with Brzer’s brilliant Carmen, and as Mr. WacestAFF says, “* fortunately for us, Carmen arrived when we had had too much of the Waa’NER.”’ Madame Lucca, as the heroine, is better than ever.

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[June 16, 1883, SS SS ne ee oe ew a aN he Nt Wi ! ANA Ss — > ng Ss —— oe > cS THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Hostess. ‘‘ WHAT FUN YOU SEEM TO BE HAVING OVER 1HERE, CAPTAIN SMILEY! I WISH YOU ALL SAT AT THIS END OF THE TABLE!” } UVYAN yayhit RAN XY DY XN ah AY i} AK MAN AAR \y Ws ay, I WN PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL WY NN FRIEND JOHN. (4 Song at a Silver Wedding.) Henre’s a health to you, Friend Joun! Here’s a health with all our heart ! Five-and-twenty years have gone Since you played the bridegroom’s part To the buxom Midland maid, Hanging now your arm upon In a matron’s pride arrayed. Here’s a health to you, Friend Joun! A health to one whose soul Has shown healthy to the core ; To a nature sound and whole, With no humbug sicklied o’er. To a strenuous heart and strong hat in many a fight has won, Striking hard against the wrong. Here’s a health to you, Friend Joun ! Mellower voice has never rung Round the lists of Party fray ; Sharper scorn has seldom stung. Yet your Silver Wedding Day Wakes good wishes near and far, E’en from fighters who have gone Dead against you in the war. Here’s a health to you, Friend Jounn ! For the silver trump of Peace, In whose sound you so delight, Blows to-day, and bids to cease All the brazen blasts of fight. True to-morrow may bring blows, And Bellona’s clarion ; But to-day at least we close Hand on hand, as friends, not foes— Here’s a health to you, Friend Jonn ! JUSTICE TO THE DOCTORS. ‘* Our only General” has not done justice to the Doctors, that is to say, if we are to believe his latest utterances, for his opinions on the Medical Department in the late campaign in Egypt are strangely contradic- tory of each other. We all know that before Lord MortEy’s Committee Lord WoLsELEY gave evidence in no measured language, saying that he found great fault with the hospitals at Ismailia and Cairo, and, among other things, censuring the medical officers for not going out themselves and buying bread and bedsteads, though he does not say where the money was to come from, and while he must have known that it was the duty of the Ordnance Department to supply them. The fact is, that if matters were in the condition Lord WoLsELEY describes, he was himself more to blame than anyone else, for he ought to have seen that the Commissary-General of Ordnance did his duty, and there can be no doubt but that the head of the Medical Depart- ment should have been informed of the change of base from Alexandria to Ismailia. But what is still more strange, Lord WoOtskEtey has only just discovered all these things. He said, at Ismailia, hewas “highly satisfied with everything in the hospital,” he complimented various medical men, and he telegraphed home that the Medical De- east was working to his entire satis- action; again repeating, after Tel-el- Kebir, that everything was done that possibly could be done or the care of the sick and wounded. The same evidence, it may be noted incidentally, was given by Sir Jonn ApyzE; and it is abundantly evident that while no one, least of all the medical officers, ever contended that the arrangements were perfect, everything seems to have been done that was possible with the means at their command. Now, the plain fact of the matter is, that there must be a mistake in one or other of Lord Wotsetry’s statements. If things were as bad as he now makes them out to be, why didn’t he say so at the time? and why did he telegraph home that he was satisfied with the Medical Department? Which account is the correct one? Upon the horns of that lively dilemma Lord WoLsELEy sits impaled; and Surgeon- General PuncH demands justice for his friends the Doctors. Tue ScHoot Boarp summoned a mother for not sending her son, aged thirteen, to school, The boy was earning his own liveli- hood and helping his mother, and, said Mr. Pager, ‘*I think it was an indiscreet act on the part of the School Board to interfere with the boy.” He fined the Defendant six- pence, which was immediately paid by 2 sympathetic stranger. The School Board is getting itself disliked. Does the rising ag 2 ape seem to be so very much better or this compulsory education ? To learn to read and write is well enough, but what do they read ? and do they ri ht? We should like to hear the evidence of the Magistrates yo In the meantime, thanks to Mr. -aGET for his sensible decision and judi- ciously expressed opinion. Caicxet-Matcu To Come Orr.—The Tee- totallers’ Eleven v.The Licensed Victuallers’.

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= GALLI oy li OLY og Lipa CGE Y BAB! GrZA OxLp Sone. LI Y 4 Zz — fa) - — = ~~ Sen ~ SS Ss NS sMhibes WZ fat SILVER (This week Birmingham festively commemorates her twenty-fifth year of ‘‘ political union” with Mr. Juhn Bright ) y P ‘““MERRILY DANCED THE QUAKER’S WIFE, AND MERRILY DANCED THE QUAKER.” A PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Joune 16, 1883, SSSA SS SSS SSS SSS SESS Y SS SSS N SSSSsSssss

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June 16, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL GUIDE TO SELECT JUVENILE PARTIES AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY. "7 vy as Zz, Ki hy \ No. 57. Market. picture. ——— ae | No. 397._ A Staruer; or, Seeing her first Beetle. P. R. Morris, A. Early days of Mud-Salad No. 897. A Dealy-icious idealy Jane M. Dealy. : E. Hicks WwW \N DY. XS RASS Rehearsing for Children’s Pantomime. Hickstra-ordinary! G. ——-———"_ | No. 391. Playing at Police ; or, On the Beat. P, R. Morris, A. No. 887. “I won't be No. 132. The oe sep Good; —that ’s our Gander’d op James Guthrie. inion. Washed” ; or, the origi- nal **Dirty Boy.” One of twins,—or one of a Pears’ advertisement. F, B. No. 742. ‘* We ought to have been in the Grosvenor Gal- lery, but we must ‘green’ = bear it.”” James Sant, A. phony. W. No. 640. Jack’s Sister and the Beanstalk. A - leg - grow Galpin. (See the Gal pinning the stalk.) sym- Dixon No. 413. Intents; or, Three to One. Joseph Clark. No. 463. Tailor’s Dummy. J Watson. Why, clothes. No. 277. Three Bells: A Model for a D two of ’em ones. J. Walker. ** What’s on ? ” ea 293. Miss - Terry-ous Picture. Probably rtrait of Mies E. erry, when not more than seven. No. 436. Living up to it; or, The sthetic Miss Gamp. Cathinca Amyot. [** Am-I-’ot? ” She oughtn’t to be in Edgar Hanley. such light clothing. ] WITTY MAGEE. Atrn—“ Widow Machree.” “ Every abuse is a weakness to the Establishment, and that is why the Church’s enemies desire to perpetuate abuses in the Church. . . . The cham- pions of the abuses are not Churchmen, but the _ earnest members of Nonconformity in the ouse of Commons, .. . Her Majesty’s Govern- ment certainly dare not support this measure, be- Cause they dare not irritate their great backbone (the Dissenters)... . Those who are opposed to the reform of the Church are not the Churchmen, but the Political Dissenters.”’—The Bishop of Peterborough on the Cathedrals Statutes Bill. Wirry Magege, on the Commons you frown; Och hone! Witty Macze. — On your Church all its dirthy Dissenters are down ; 4 Och hone! Witty Macze. How altered your air, When that black phiz you wear, E’en your wit ’s sour and spare, Which should be flowing free. A shillelagh why twirl, Like a commonplace churl ? Och hone! Witty Maceg. Witty Maerr, sunny Summer is come, Och hone! Witty Maczg. When ovary thing —, should a Bishop ook glum Och hone! Witty Macrr. Soon the season of ‘‘ pairs” Will bring halcyon airs E’en St. Stephen’s rough bears Seem inclined to agree. The Fourth Party’s small fish Can’t ‘‘ raise Cain,’’ though they wish. Och hone! Witty Maexr. Witty Maczx, when mild Peace would step in, Och hone! Witty Maczsg. To be poking strife’s fire all alone seems a sin, Och hone! Witty Maczx, Sure, we’re sick of Church wrongs, Endless er and tongs ; Pot and Kettle sing songs Full of family glee ; Yet alone, with keen tongue, You have flouted and stung, Och hone!. Witty Macxr. And do you not know, with your eloquent pother. Och hone |! Witty Maczr, You hinder, not help, each right reverend brother ? Och hone! Witty Maerr. Whose satirical tone Irritates like your own That ‘‘ Dissenting back-bone ”’ Named by W. G.? Till, with heartier wills, __ Rads will strangle Church Bills, Och hone! Witty Maczz. Take Punch’s advice, witty Bishop Macrr, Och hone! Witty Maczg, It’s very much best to let sleeping dogs be, Och hone! Witty Maer. Suppress the desire To be poking the fire Of Sectarian ire, And you’ll probably see All the ‘* bogies” depart From the Church of your heart, Och hone! Witty Maczx.

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286 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ———__ [June 16, 1883, DICKY-BIRDS AT DINNER. *¢ The appetite of the bird (says the Rev. J. G. Woop in the cur- rent number of Good Words) is wonderful. A thrush will eat at a meal the largest snail that Eng- land produces, If a man could eat as much in proportion, he would consume a whole round of beef for his dinner. The redbreast, again, is a most voracious bird.” You pass the- blooming haw- thorn hedge in Spring, And hear thereout a very cheery gush music, and, as then you hear it sing, You recognise the sweet voice of the thrush ; No wonder that such power it should reveal, It eats the largest snail up at a meal, If Man ate like a thrush, it’s Woon’s belief— And surely such a naturalist should know— He ’d eat at one meal a whole round of beef. Oh, how can pretty little birds do so? For here’s the robin redbreast too, they say, Eats fourteen feet of earth- worms in a day. Oh, City gormandisers, when we smite, You can retort that if you _. tried to eat Like robins, in one single day and night, Of nine-inch sausage sixty- seven feet Would be your portion; it’s nite too absurd, To find our gluttons beaten by a bird. LitTTERY AND SCIENTIFIC.— The St. John Ambulance Asso- ciation. PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. SIR R. CUNLIFFE OWEN. Tae MgRMAN OF THE FISHERIES EXHIBITION. OWEN’ EVERYTHING TO HIs OWEN ENERGY, A SONG OF SIXPENCE, Says the Sixpence to the Shil- “ ling, ; ‘ Bumptious ‘ Bob’ you've had your day and & Public is a willing onger you to pa For 2M azine or Novel. I am bringing knowledge down To the “‘- and the hovel— ! 140. Silver Shilling you ’re done brown ‘* Literature’s choicest pickins I distribute to the mob ; Watter Scort, Carrs Lams, and Dickens! What d’ye think o’ that, Lord ‘ Bob’? Will wit sparkle with a slacker ray — the Working Man has go JERROLD, SHIRLEY Brooks, or THACKERAY For the price of just a pot? “Now the Cornhill'’s cover orange Is to bear my conquering name ; As in price it sinks to low range May it rise in force and ‘ame. Clearly Literature’s banner Will henceforth the sign display Of the proletariat ‘ tanner.’ Bumptious ‘Bob’ you’ve had your day!” DISCRETION AND VALOUR. Tue Duke of Camprinee, in the House of Lords, “expressed the opinion that the raising the standard of age to nine- teen would decrease the num- ber of enlistments.” Do youth generally begin to get indis- ed to become food for pos powder at that approach to years of discretion ? ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of C , Monday, June 4.—Left House at eight o’clock with prospect of Corrupt Practices Bill most satisfactory. Nearly everyone = mn ing. Fortune of Bill completed by opposition of Warton and CuaRtxEs Lewis. Thought of saying a few — for it myself, but in circumstances unnecessary. So went off inner. Coming back at eleven found ATrornry-GENERAL apparently delivering funeral oration, or addressing a Common Jury in a murder case. Solemnity appalling. Cadence of voice a little monotonous, but still capable of moving Jury to tears. “* What’s happened ?” I asked Hagcovrr, who was strolling out, gently stroking his chin, and softly smiling to himself. ‘‘ Going to withdraw the Bill or be beaten on a Division ?’ “Neither, my dear Tony,” said Grandiose Old Man. ‘It’s only Jamgs’s Oxford-Circuit way. Thinks he’s defending a man for sheep-stealing : that funereal manner, and that voice with a tear in it are preparatory to calling witnesses to show that the prisoner either had a dying mother at the time of the act charged, or that owing to a long series of undeserved misfortunes, his mind become affected, and that when he took the sheep he thought it was a favourite poodle he had lost in infancy. Fact is, it’s most difficult for lawyers to forget that House is not a Jury, and that Speaker and Clerks at Table are not Judges sitting in banco. Have heard it said that I’m the only great lawyer who is also effective House of Commons speaker. A little kindly exaggerated, but perhaps something in it.” ; Bill all right, after all, Second Reading agreed to without Division. Tuesday.—House of Lords to-night scene of tremendous dissension on eww oad Bench. Bishop of CartIsLE moved Second g of Cathedral Statutes Bill. Josep Gris in Gallery scented the row from afar. Came to see how Bishops quarrelled. From very first his keen intelligence went with Opposition. ‘* What do they want with more statutes in Cathedrals?” says he. ‘‘Thought you English would have had enough of statutes. Just after moving the Duke of WELLINeTon, and don’t know what to do with him. tter leave statutes alone, and go on grinding the poor Irish.” a. of PererBoroveH opposed Bill on quite other grounds. Managed with great dexterity, in discussing it, to give Govern- ment several digs in the ribs. rd Satispury hugely delighted. “Pity PereRBoRovUGH took Orders,” says he. ‘* His lawn sleeves tie his hands. If he’d been a layman, and got in for some borough; he would have changed affairs in House of Commons. He wo have joined the Fourth Party, or perhaps created it, and made things hot for everybody all round, especially the Government.” ‘* Yes,” Lord GRANVILLE sweetly pas ‘* PrereRBOROUGH 8 & Tittle jlost here; we can’t do with a Randolph, more especially in awn. _ PerEeRBorovex stood alone, with back to the wall, having dropped tin bonnet-box of dynamite on Bishops’ Bench. Pretty to see

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——— Juxz 16, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. EEAAn AD —— =A Z = ————— OUT OF ALMS WAY! Benevolent Old Gent, ‘‘ HERE'S LOVELY WEATHER, Mrs, Woppuss! Unthrifty Mrs. W, ‘‘Ou, I'm ONLY VERY MIDDLIN’, Sir, AND” —(whining)—“‘ you sEE, SiR, IT’S A’ THIS WAY——” [But he didn't—he saw it (clearly) in quite another way, went off that other way hastily, and escaped this time ! AND HOW——” Bishops smiling upon him with brotherly love, though in act rather plainly showing their teeth. im amusing, but too ingenious,” said the Primate, smilingly nodding his head towards his Right Reverend brother, who didn’t seem to know that anybody was twittering. ‘My Right Reverend brother asks me to withdraw the Bill,” said the Bishop of CarLisLz, holding both hands out as if about to pro- nounce the benediction. ‘‘ I wish my Right Reverend brother could withdraw his speech.” Right Reverend brother no such intention. Had had his fling, had fluttered the House, was conscious of great yearning of heart towards him by Lord Satispury, and didn’t seem to care so much for opinion of Archbishop, as was expected from one who had just been extolling institutions and discipline of the Church. _ “Not so sure as GRANVILLE is about impossibility of Fourth Party in Lords,” said RanpoteH. ‘‘ Must have some talk with Perer- BOROUGH, and see if he’ll take it up. Perhaps couldn’t be expected to find in Lords equal of Gorst for profound legal knowledge touched with subtle humour, of Wotrr for intimate acquaintance with Foreign Affairs, or for BaLFour for ways that are childlike and bland. But something might be done. Would be an immense lift for us to have a Bishop playing our game in the Lords.” In Commons spent cheerful Morning Sitting discussing Scotch Agricultural Holdings Bill. In the evening Sunday Closing people desperately tried to make a House. But nouse. Members who had sat through Scotch debate all in bed, with wet cloths round their heads. Sunday Closing all very well,” says Mr. Cores, ‘ but I’m not sure that Tuesday Closing isn’t better.” Tuesday Closing Bill accordingly brought in by Mr. Wanton, Standing Orders suspended, passed through all its stages, and at ten minutes a nine lights out. Business done.—Scotch Agricul- tural Holdings Bill read a Second Time. i [edneeday.— Another case of gross injustice to Ireland. By udicious balloting, day had been secured for Second Reading of rish Municipal Elections Bill. Then comes Chairman of Commit- tees with some inconsiderable proposal about British Railways, and appropriates Sitting. Irish Members aghast with indignation at this obstruction. Captain Mottoy-Anoy hit upon happy thought. Move the Adjournment at half-past five. Then be too late to take division on Orway’s proposals. : : ‘Tf they won’t let us get on,” said the gallant Captain, “‘ they shall do nothing.” ; Pointed out to him that this excellent plan had disadvantages. If House didn’t divide now, question come on again on another Wed- nesday, and Irish Members finally bowled out. So Mottoy-Anoy did not press Motion, and Orway carried his Resolution. Further grievance behind this. Caine had second place for Biggar Relief Bill, which newspapers stiffly call Bill to agent Breach of Promise of Marriage Act. It was too late to be useful to JosgPH GitLis. But J. G. has a heart that feels for others, and had determined to second the Motion for Second Reading. Bill not reached. Carnrk and Dick Power going about Lobby gloomily, charged with jokes intended to make on moving and opposing Bill. ‘Ill work mine off on the Criminal Code Procedure Bill when it comes down,”’ says CAINE. ‘*T’ll work mine off on Army Estimates,’’ says Dick Power. ** Question of breechloaders, you know, and work it round to Breach of Promise. A little difficult, but if Chairman oe, can argue the matter. That will get in a bit more of the speech, and can finish it on Motion to Report Progress.”’ f a Business done.—Repealed prohibition against paying interest on Railway Lines in course of construction. Thursday.—T1m Heaty back with us again after fresh experiences of prison life. Hair more than ever like severely twisted mop. “Do they—er—crop your hair, doncha ?” murmured Mr. Caris- TOPHER SyKEs, regarding Tru with air of profound, yet nervous curiosity, as if he were animal newly imported for the Aquarium, with no ntee that he wouldn’t bite. 2 ‘*No,” says Tr. ‘ Fact is always keep it like that ready for emergencies. Never know when you’re going in, and hardly ever when you’re coming out. If I let my hair grow in ordinary way. people would notice when I came out. But keeping it crop

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288 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 16, 1883, pretty close you see, always look as if I’d just come out, and as that can’t be, le thrown off scent. All ery well for English Member to let his hair grow. For unhappy Ireland the close crop is our only resource.” “* Very interesting. Very interesting, indeed,” says Mr. Syxezs, re-fixing his eyes s, and vainly endeavouring to edge round Tm so as to get back view. Tr tells me he’s busy founding new order of merit in Ireland. Only persons whe _haye m in prison are eligible for election. Members of Parliament to be Knights of the Order, Members of which qualified to write B.I.P., and to be so addressed. Those who have been in prison more than once will be B.I.P.P. Affecting scene at Question Time. Somebody been saying that Lord RosEsery retired from Home Office because he couldn’t get on with Grandiose Old Man. Hancourt almost affected to tears. ‘*Not only were we on terms of {political friendship,” says he, ‘* but we loved each other as brothers.” By mighty effort controlled him- self; but there were sobs in various parts of the House. JosEPH GILLIs ostentatiously wiped his eyes with a white pocket-handker- chief borrowed for the purpose from Mr. SHEIL. Business done.—Got into Committee on the Corrupt Practices Bill. Friday.—Ran down to Ascot this afternoon. Long chat with Prince of WaxEs, who regrets duty calls him down to Ascot when he would so much rather be in House of Lords, listening to Lord STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL. ‘*Shall be there on Monday, Tony, you bet,” says H.R.H. ‘* Mean to vote for Marriage with Deceased Wife's Sister—E Lien, Mary, or whatever she be. We are winning slowly, but surely.” Observe delicacy of H.R.H.’s 2 Avoids vulgarity and absurdity of referring to ‘‘ Sister Bill.” , a alternating between fits of liveliness and long stretches of ulness. Wrangling over it all morning. At night tried again to get it settled. ——s went off on fresh tack. No business done. Might as well have stopped at Ascot, and better, too. ’ CRICKET PROSPECTS. (From Dumb-Crambo Junior’s Point of View.) oe 1) ee Marrow-bone Club. 7 iN A Rising Player. Trial Matches. Batter and Bawl. Telegram. “* Big John,” Chief of the Red Skin La Crosse Players, to Pother Big John, of Birmingham.—‘‘ Let us smoke the, pipe of Bill come in on account of glorious victory in Egypt. ke eace. J. B. to B. J.—“ Friend, dost thou mean this as a puff?” THE PLAYBILL OF THE FUTURE, THEATRE ROYAL, PARK LANE. (Sole Lessees and Managers —a Select Committee of the House of Peers.) This Evening, at a quarter to Eleven, d peu prés, Her Majesty's Friends will perform Mr. Mappison Morton’s celebrated Farce o BOX AND COX. Box (his original character) . - The Marquis of Sattspury, Cox (ris original character) . Earl GRANVILLE, . Mrs. Bouncer (her first appearance) = After which, at about half-past One (cold supper being se Midnight precisely), SuAxernauy’é Teas of - oe MACBETH, With the following powerful and exceptional Cast :— By kind and special constitutional } His MAsesty tHe authorisation of the Folksthing, Kine OF THE on this occasion only . a ‘ f NETHERLANDS, The Duke of RicHmMonpD AND Gorpon, The Master of the Horse. H.R.H. the Duke of Campriner. s The SPEAKER of the House of Commons, Banquo ae Sp Banquo’s Ghost 1 By bg artery ot Baron HoppieEstone. By kind permission of | His Excellency the Austrian Macduff | his Government Ambassador. Fleance (Son of Banquo) Lord Ranpotex CavURcHILt, mnor of New- Duncan . Malcolm . Donalbain Macbeth “| his Sons .| Ross . Menteith Angus. Caithness An English Doctor ‘| By the living Representatives of their respective Families. His Eminence the Car- dinal Archbishop of WESTMINSTER, Wounded Soldier Lord WoLsELEyY. Lady Macbeth ‘. The Duchess of PARKMINSTER, Lady Macduff . Her Serene Highness the Princess Von Sro.tsBere. A Gentlewoman (by desire) Her Majesty the Queen of Mapacascar, Hecate The Dowager Duchess of WoRcESTER. First Witch The Lorp CHANCELLOR. Second Witch The Hereditary Earl Marshal. Third Witch The First Lord of the ADMIRALTY. His Grace the Archbisho Armed Head . of CANTERBURY. 7 By special Dispensa- tionof His Holiness the Pope , By special fiat of both Houses of Convocation AND THE {2% distinguished Members of the Privy Apparition Kings ouncil, MY KATE. (AFTER BROWNING.) (On Miss Kate Vaughan's quitting the Gaiety Company in order to come out in a New and Serious Line.) Her air has a meaning, her movements a grace, You turn from the fairest to gaze at her face ; And when you have once seen her dance, ’tis a treat That you may encore, but which she won’t repeat— My Kare! Renouncing burlesque, she’s about to enact The fair Amy Robsart—I hope ’twill attract. And when thou art gone, who will here take oe part, While you ’re starring the country as Amy Robsart, My Kate? We praise you as charming, and ask if you mean To give up burlesque and play Tragedy Queen ? The Mashers will cry, o’er this doleful event ‘‘The charm of her presence was felt when she went ! — Our Kate! Arter a Champagne-Cup Day at Ascot, it was decided that the oy as & pe an should in future be known as ‘‘ the Tristan place ?’ ‘* Bricut Chandelier proclaims the dawn,” said Mrs. RaMsBOTHAM, when she heard a cock crowing in the back garden, as it was getting towards the small hours, after her evening party. Ga TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case cau Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, anless accompanied Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.

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June 23, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE “‘ TERRITORIAL SYSTEM!” OR, NOTHING LIKE ACCURACY. Officer (at Head-quarters). ‘‘ AND WHO MAY YOU BE?” Recruit. ‘‘Pieask, Sin, I’M Tue SEVENTH BatTALIoN Prinok Consort's Own RiFLE BRIGADE, BETTER KNOWN AS THE Fost Tower ’AMLETS MitisHy !" I PURITANI. Grand Unpopular Opera—once more in active Rehearsal. ARGUMENT.—VERNON-ARCOURT, an amiable political philanthropist, having in an unguarded moment been induced by the Puritani, a dyspeptic but powerful band of social conspirators, to make Sunday as uncomfortable as possible, has suddenly, by a subtle and arbitrary Act, deprived the populace for twenty-four hours of its beer. Growing thirsty as the summer advances, and maddened by this and other pieces of grandmotherly legisla- tion, it at length rises in rebellion against the restrictions with which its tastes and —s have been hampered, and seeking aid of the Caucus, by a terrible retaliation obliges VeRNON-ARCOURT and his order quite unexpectedly to restore to it many of its cherished enjoyments, and among others, amidst indescribable enthusiasm, its ancient and valued privilege of occasionally getting drunk on some one else’s premises. CHARACTERS, Vernon-Ancourt (surnamed ‘‘ It Pacrrico”). Wuirripo (a Jester—creature of I Purirani). GuUGLIELMO DI WHITECHAPEL (known as the ‘‘ Thirsty One”), In AvvisaTorE Marrutino (a Daily Spirit). Chorus of Puritani, Licensed Victuallers, Philanthropists, Costermongers, Archdeacons, Total Abstainers, Sweeps, Sabbatarians, §c. The Scene represents a Secret Official Chamber in the recesses of the Palace of the Home ce. As the Curtain rises, VERNON-AKCOURT, surrounded by Witrrivo and the Chiefs of the Paritani, and standing up to his knees in Petitions from Sunday School Children with which they have presented him, is discovered listening attentively to the following subterranean chorus. CHORUS. Gall, provoke,—exasperate them. Art and Science might have shocked Hatt! 0, social legislation Brought onee more to bear on _ Sunday Eighteen-nineteenths of the Nation, Seeking rest and recreation, Find it but on this—their one day ! Yet, we own, that we would tamper her with such joys as wait them, And, with best intentions, hamper, them, So we fixed the Sunday shutter, Barred the door, and kindlylockedthem Out—to contemplate the gutter. Yet! O, Heav’n! though they ’ve the street, Still they seek some fresh retreat! Vernon-Arcourt (thoughtfully)— ’Tis strange, perhaps, —yet not surprising. The gutter is a dreary place! (Con molto animo.) I somewhat doubt what they ’re advising :-— Ha! hark again ! | He listens. Chorus— In Axcourt’s face We read a wondrous penetration To value truly recreation ! The sons of toil to further cheer, Inspire him, Heaven, to stop their beer! V.-A. (recit.) These remarks of a nature complimentary, Are, without doubt, to the Pacific One, Extraordinarily agreeable. _ But to speak, from the experience, That is purely personal, Of a Sunday made horrible By the absence of modest refreshment, Is, to the unutterable delight Of the joyous child of the Reform Club At present—and, with rapture unbounded, I dwell on the circumstance, A’ physical impossibility. [He is about to depart quietly, when WitFRiD0 and the Leaders of the Puritani bar his further progress. Wilfrido and the Puritant (advancing on him)— Nay! you must back the Bill at sight! Vernon- Arcourt (con fuoco). I’m only anxious to do right. Chorus. What’s right for you—for them is wrong ! Vernon-Arcourt (maestoso). Ill think that out. Puritani( falling back). Asong! A song! Vernon-Arcourt. I have done showy work in my time, My views are expansive and large, And I shouldn’t like now, in my prime, To face an unpopular charge. Yet my friends Tho entangle me here, Should, I feel, by concession be bought: ba f would mulct the poor man of his beer ; ell—I’m still doubting whether they ought. For I cannot quite see why a measure so strong Should in one case be right, in another be wrong! Puritani (in triumph)— The great VERNON-ARCcoURT is getting along! He’s now muddled up ’twixt what’s right and what’s wrong Vernon-Arcourt. I’m compelled to look out how I tread, A stray vote to pick up here and there ; As this Bill has been flung at my head, P’raps a trial to give it were fair P So I’ll prove to the classes I snub That they ’re saved from a beer-drinking shoal. And that Sunday and wine at a Club Are things that their betters control. I think, on the whole, that that argument’s strong, ‘*What for me may be right,—well, for them may be wrong!” Puritani— He thinks, on the whole, that that argument’s strong ; And he’ll probably find that it is before long! ([WILFRIDo and the Puritani prepare for a wild pas de satisfaction, and VERNON-ARCOURT 1s about to watch their gambols, when the wall splits asunder and dis- closes GUGLIELMO DI WHITECHAPEL, surrounded by myrmidons of the Advanced Party, convening a Monster Meeting for the discusston of the Club and Private Cellar Sunday Closing Scheme. Guglielmo di Whitechapel (con delicatezza). You West-End blokes who thinks yer can Play nine-pins with the Working Man— We’ll show yer it’s a game for two— We'll cut you off your liquor ! Wilfrido (with a gesture of ecstasy). Do! Chorus (approvingly). Hail! O, social legislation, Prompting rest and recreation ! Thus, midst unexpected smiles, Pall Mall mates with Seven Dials! __ [VeRnon-Ancourt trys to escape from the situation, and ts about to turn when the Spirit of the Licensed Vic- tualling Interest, In AVVISATORE MATTUTINO, appears hovering in the air, holding out a draft of the newest Prohititive Measure in vindictive triumph. epee (shuddering). Oh, Good gracious! Oh, orror [He falls into the arms of an Under-Secretary, and all cower as the Curtain descends. VOL, LXXXIv. cc

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 23, 1883,

bf ( \> 4 4 u fy . i NS IN ae” Wil WN > rw , NON THE NEW CRAZE. Manager of the Parthenon, ‘‘ AND WHAT EXPERIENCE HAVE YOU HAD, MY Lorp?” Young Viscount Saltimbank, ‘‘OuH—I PLAYED Romeo, AT THE JOLLITY, LAST I was CALLED BEFORE 1HE CukTAIN SEVEN TIMES! Manager, *“*Exaorty. THEN] 1HINK your LoRDSHIP MAY STUDY 1HE First He cOMEs IN IN TBE LasT Aor, YOU KNOW, THURSDAY MORNING. SERVANT IN OUR NEXT PiEos. AND says ‘DINNER ’S READY!’” Ea, A) ——— $< LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL. A MARLOW MADRIGAL. Ou, Bisham banks are fresh and fair, And Quarry Woods are green, And pure and sparkling is the air, Enchanting is the scene! I love the music of the weir, As swift the stream runs down, For, oh, the water ’s deep and clear That flows by Marlow Town! When London’s getting hot and dry, And half the Season ’s done, To Marlow you should quickly fly, And bask there in the sun. There pleasant quarters you may find— The ** Angler” or the ** Crown” Will suit you well, if you ’re inclined To stay in Marlow ‘Town. I paddle down to Harleyford, And sometimes I incline To cushions take with lunch aboard, And play with rod and line. For in a punt I love to laze, And let my face get brown; Le And dream away the sunny days iN y By dear old Marlow Town! ANY i Bb g° to luncheon at the Lawn, Wy | muse, I sketch, I rhyme; I headers take at early dawn, I list to All Saints’ chime. And in the River, flashing bright, Dull Care I strive to drown— And get a famous appetite At pleasant Marlow Town! So when, no longer, London life You feel you can endure ; Just quit its noise, its whirl, its strife, And try the ‘* Marlow-cure ”’! You ’ll smooth each wrinkle on your brow And scare away each frown— Feel young again once more, I vow, At quaint old Marlow Town! Here SHELLEY dreamed and thought and wrote, And wandered o’er the leas ; And sang and drifted in his boat Beneath the Bisham trees, So let me sing, although I’m no Great poet of renown— Of hours that much two quickly go, At good old Marlow Town!

THE ADJUTANT’S HOSS AGAIN! A sHorT time since quite a passage of arms took place in the House of Commons because the Commanding Officer of a Militia Regiment had sanctioned the drawing of some money in payment for the phantom forage of an imaginary charger. It was advanced that, although this particular or rather not very particular Adjutant did not usually possess a horse, he produced one once, on a special occa- sion, for his Colonel’s inspection. It may be said generally that the typical Adjutant’s horse has puzzled thousands. So, as par- ticulars about this mysterious beast have been for many years more than vague, it would be as well in future that some form containing questions requiring answers should be filled up by the parties interested, before dealings with public money received Government sanction. The following will serve as a guide to the mode of furnishing the required document :— Forage FoR ApJutants’ Horses (MILITIA). (To be filled up, and returned to the War Office.) Question. Do you hire your horse for the training? If so, state what are his occupations during the non-training period. __ Answer. I do hire my horse for the training. 1 believe his occu- tions during the non-training period are drawing a night cab, ier in fourth-class funerals, and making himself generally useful at a bathing establishment on the Margate sands. ‘ Q. Is your horse perfectly sound ?_ Do you known of any ailment from which he suffers, or has suffered ? aaa : A. My horse is not perfectly sound. He is a little touched in the wind, is stone-blind, and quite deaf. I believe that the knees of all his legs have been broken on various occasions, and that he con-

stantly suffers from embarrassing attacks of glanders, meagrims, and aggravated staggers. Has your horse had any military training ? A. Yes, at Astley’s tive-and-twenty years ago, when he was employed as ‘‘an extra ’’—his duty was to pretend to be dead ina corner—in the Spectacular Drama of The Battle of the Alma. Q. Do you pe retaining your horse for the next training ? A. No; asl understand that he has been penmonee by a purveyor of cats’-meat (the sale to take effect the day after the regimental training, by agreement with the ey OES of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals), I shall have to discover his successor. (Signed) Apotpxuus Otpsoy Dorrer, Captain and Adjutant 12th Battalion The Town and Country Regiment. (Countersigned) Montmorency Syooks, Ineut.-Culonel, Officer Commanding.

Somzsopy asked Mrs. Ramszoruam if she had heard Mile. MEnTER. “Oh! I suppose—” said Mrs. Ram., ready to show her thorough acquaintance with classic literature, ‘* I suppose you mean a daughter of the Old Menter one heard so much about at school that we used to speak of him as Tor-menter ;—you recollect, don’t you? He was a sort of tutor and travelling companion to Young Telephone.”

Harp-workinc Memsers oF “THE Coacuine Civs.”—Mr. Wren, Mr. Scoowxzs, and other Coaches for the 1.C.S. competitive examinations.

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Jone 23, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 714 OW 4 Yyfy SS “WS = ZY N ZN WN aE —— SLOWL + INNS \ ee \' w \ XN Uy, ! Rat Ni hy Z (| 1 J / 4 Ve ; y \ ( h, SAW USDs mee ‘OF WHAT IS THE OLD MAN THINKING ? ” Punch. *‘ THAT ’8 WHAT YOU 'RE THINEING OF,” Or what is the Old Man thinking As he sits on the Treasury Bench, From the worrying wasp-swarm shrinking ? His battle-fire nought may quench, But the brows of the Old Man knit, As he looks on the vulgar fray, And he dreams of the grace and wit Of an older, manlier day. Now bunkum is loud, unblinking, Now impudence doth not blench! Oh! of ,what is the Old Man thinking As he sits on the Treasury Bench ? Gladstone. *‘ PRECISELY, WoNDERFUL!!” ’Tis not of his strength declining, ’Tis not of young RanDy’s jeer ; Tis not of the hour of dining, Or Lawson on battles and beer. No spell these squabbles will stay, And the Old Man’s eyes grow dim, For he thinks of his Bill-blocked way, And the hours that are lost to him. From the scene before him shrioking, He sighs, and his stern jaws clench. Of the Session ’s waste he is thinking, As he sits on the Treasury Bench. Ma. J. tion only is necessary. and that is he must have a hand from some —ae reon. ‘‘ Give me your hands,” he says to his audience, L. Took says he is a great Thought-Reader. One con- Il tell you what you’re thinking about.” After one hearty can be perfectly certain. Should it ever happen that he doesn’t get a hand, he “— he can equally well tell them what they ’re thinking about. Mr. Anson ought to try this before he attempts another oration to the Public. FasuionaBie ‘* At Homg.””—Charity. a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a [Jone 23, 1883, 43 Oe Ay NG = Y tin 7 a Ya ' NA) [ISG METROPOLITAN PRIZE PUZZLES. No. 3. Near HamILton Pxacr, PiccaDILry, Puzzle (the same as in the previous one on the other side of the Park)—To Finp Tak PoLIcEMAN, P ) S| = GML: OUR OFFISHIAL GUIDE. Part V.—VERY MUCH ABROAD. Havine now exhausted England and the Colonies, we turn our attention to foreign affairs. Many of our neighbours seem to have had the greatest possible difficulty in getting anything of a piscatorial character for exhibition. Under these cir- = cumstances, they have done their best, with much bunting and gilding, to hide the nakedness of the land, or rather the sea. Following the plan we have hitherto pur- sued, we run through the Courts, bestowing a few notes upon each. Austro-Hungary.—A magnificent dis- play of heraldry and flags surrounding a shelf, upon which are placed half-a-dozen small bottles containing the sole Austro- Hungarian exhibits—some specimens of the ocean parasite, or sea-flea ! France.—Most disappointing. A few = boxes of sardines and some old oyster-shells. Bels "Bad For so large a country, a perfectly miser- pignadlancciag able display. However, the collection is rendered interesting by two remarkable exhibits: the first, a ‘‘ pro- visional map of the world,” subject, of course, to the Author’s subsequent alterations; and the last, ‘‘tiles furnished with oyster- spat of different sizes, dead, but can be had alive if required.” Gressy is the name of the oyster revivifier. With so marvellous a gift he ought to be promptly engaged for the “‘ variety entertain- ment” at the Royal Westminster Aquarium. United States of America.—A very respectable display, in which, however, the commercial element is in noways neglected. or instance, Mr. CHaRLES ALDEN, of Randolph, Massachusetts, sends an ‘exhibit of goods prepared by the Alden evaporating process.” Again, Mr. Lorp sends an “‘ ny op ice-crusher.” Of course, no Fishery Exhibition could have been complete without these articles. The hall in which they are laid out is profusely decorated with the Regimental Flags of the American Army, and here and there a “* portrait model,” in wax, of a fisherman in full costume. The latter exhibits suggest the idea that tailor’s dummies are as much used in the States as in London. Altogether, the collection reminds one of the varied fortune of the ocean, inasmuch as the Directors have given the main chance their most earnest and undivided attention. Belgium.—The usual jumble of flags, maps, nets, and fishing-rods. The strangest exhibit is sent by the Messrs. FLORENVILLE of Liége. It is described in the Official Catalogue as a ‘‘ Certificate suitable tor Corporations and Public Bodies in water-marked paper, to be repro- duced on stone.” No doubt the ‘* water-marked paper” rendered it sufficiently nautical to find a resting-place in South Kensington. China.—Keally worth seeing, well arranged, and artistically deco- rated. The chief attraction is to be found in the grounds rather than in the building, in the shape of an aged Chinaman in huge spectacles, This remarkable personage generally walks about fol- lowed by a large and critical throng who examine carefully his every gesture. On Wednesday last (a half-crown day) a numerous crowd assembled near the Chinese pagoda, and it was at first suppose that the spot had been the scene of some dreadtul accident. Whenit transpired that the gathering were collected together to watch the old Chinaman while he smoked a pipe, the crowd grew infinitely larger. Germany and Greece.—These two nations may be taken together as, combined, their list of exhibits is a very poorone. ‘The princi object of interest contributed by Germany is a bundle of whalebone. while the kingdom of the Hellenes is chiefly represented by some **lobster-tails from the Island of Scopelos.’’ Japan.—Extremely interesting, and the Court nearly as well ar- ranged as that of the Chinese Department. On examining the Official Catalogue, however, it will be found that in spite of the brave array, the ** leading articles” of the coliection are a tinned oyster, a stuffed crab, and some cod-liver oil. The Japanese salesman in attendance, who is intensely European and businesslike, merits—but does not obtain—as much observation as the Chinese smoker. Netherlands.—More nets, and tinned fishes. The Dutch seem to have devoted most of their time to curing herrings and catching on. Norway and Sweden.—Remarkable for several fine sardine trophies. As these pyramids of saleable articles may look too tempting to ® casual visitor with a turn for petty larceny, the Authorities have secured their safety by covering them over with fishing-nets.

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Juve 23, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 293 Spain.—A well-arranged Court. Seemingly, the National Naval Museum has been dispatched bodily from the Peninsula to South Kensington. ‘The exhibits come exclusively from this collection, which includes ‘‘ six pieces of cork” and ‘‘ two bolsters.” Russia.—Ignored by the Official Guide, but, for all that, meri- torious. The usual ‘‘ pleasant little gathering” of nets, preserved- fish tins, and implements of piscatorial torture. The Foreign Fish-Market.—Quite as disappointing as the British ditto. The ‘* Market,’’ which is held in a small room, contains a few specimens of richly-scented dried fish and some sardine-cases. Motto to be placed over the door: ‘‘ A rose would swell as sweet— and sweeter!” : % So much for the Foreigners, who certainly cannot compare with our British exhibitors. The Courts are rendered more attractive than they would be au naturel by the introduction of a very choice collection of church organs. It is not easy, however, to see what these instruments have to do with Pisciculture, the more especially as the talented individuals who at intervals perform upon them are far too advanced to have anything to do with scales. Having now visited the chief objects of interest in South Kensing- ton, Home, Colonial, and Foreign, a rapid run through “ the Machinery in Motion,”’ and a necessarily hurried visit to ‘‘ the Six- penny Fish Dinner,” will bring our ‘‘Offishial Guide” to a mechani- cal plus gastronomic termination. A “WARHAM CORNER” IN THE STRAND. Sitver Guilt, at the Strand, intended for a travesty of The Silver King, at the Princess’s, is first-rate fun at the commencement, but it becomes rather wearisome when it wanders into other melodramatic sub- jects, such as Drink and the Lights of London. Mr. Rieuron is more like Mr. Joun Crayton than Mr. Witson Bar- RETT, but Mr. Broveu’s imitation of Mr, GrorGE BarreEtT is simply perfect. It is for the most part very smartly written, and, up to a certain point, Mr. WaRkHAM has lane his work capitally. The ‘‘ business,”’ as long as the original play is being fairly burlesqued, is genu- inely funny. Miss Lavra LInpDEN gives a clever caricature of Miss EastLaKE’s manner- isms; but, occasionally, her tone far more closely resembles Miss ELLEn TrRRy’s than that of the person she is burlesquing. The duet and dance between Miss Lixpen and Mr. Riguton is very neatly executed, and obtains a F . hearty encore. The songs and choruses, having very little and occasionally nothing to do with the piece, only delay the action, and mystify the audience. Mr. Hawrrey’s make-up for Old Father Christmas is also very good, and the idea of the Detective, who says nothing, but only comes on to look puzzled, to scratch his head, and to change the scene with a stroke of a har- lequin’s wand, it should have m a prompter’s whistle, was immense at first, but it ed on frequent repetition. e fact is, if Silver Guilt were cut down to forty-five minutes, instead of playing over an hour and a half, as it now does, and if the action and dialogue were strictly confined to the travesty of The ver King, its success would a8 lasting as that of its original, The mechanical changes of scene are really marvels of ingenuity, and the music is so well selected that it is a pity there are not better Yolces to sing it, and better cers to dance to it,—the duet, already mentioned, being the one bright exception. On the first night the Actors were called before the curtain, ~ —— 2 Little All Right ’un. Miss Laura Linden as Miss Eastlake,— as also was the Author, Mr. . ve ge am, but not a Jenny i iene 3 who must have been ag woe Pag Panga probably term it—the very Warham Of Vice-Versd we have spoken some time ago. The Messrs. HawrTkey are excellent in it, and so is Mies Lavra LINDEN. The other Burlesque, produced on the same night at the Adelphi, and, as fac of the joke, called ‘‘a Drama,” by Mr. WILKIE CoLtins, will probably have come to an end ere this appears, so let us shed a passing tear over the unfortunate Rank and Riches, which thoroughly 2 deserved all the pep- - pering it got from the Critics, and the jeers with which the Public received it on its first representation. We rather fancy that Mr. Wirxre 38 CoLiors— first-rate, in his own peculiar line, as a Novelist, though even there not up to the Frenchman Gazo- RIAU in plots,—ex- cepting always Zhe Woman in White,—has never been successful as a Dramatist, except when he has had the assistance of some practical Stage-Manager or Actor to —s what was required for stage-effect. We may be wrong, but it seems to us that, left to himself, he fails, as Poet Wits fails when he is left to himself; but, with Mr. Irvine, or Mr. Hare at his elbow, what better acting plays, on the whole, have we seen in our time than Charles the First and Olivia? Mr. Witkr Cottins was successful at the Prince of Wales’s under the direction of Mr. and Mrs. Bancrort, and with Mr. CocHLan asthe repulsive hero. Mr. CHanLEs Reaves also will be remembered by his novels, not by his plays, and we feel sure that for a Novelist to be a successful Dramatist, he must have the aid— — or less—of some practical collaborateur experienced in stage- craft. Anson defying the Critics. A LILLYPUT LYRIST. Lines in a Newdigate Calendar. THERE was a little poet In a little lyric way, Who scribbled most industriously For very little pay. He was tall, but not good-looking, With a most romantic name, And the Ladies dearly loved him, And he took their praise for fame. In days gone by at Oxford He’d gained the Newdigate, And his career was settled From that auspicious date. For Oxford’s got the contract To supply one Bard a year Even though divine afflatus May be flatter than their beer. And he read his little lyrics, As they circled him about, And they sighed and softly asked him, Would hekindly writethem out. And they flattered him past measure, Till this little bard began, To consider RopERT BRowNING Was an overrated man. Andhetrilled and twittered feebly, In a tiny tender treble, Though at times the sense grew vague, And the rhythm would turn rebel. So he scribbled hour by hour, d he toiled on day by day, Piping onwards towards Par- nassus, On his little lyric way. But the path is rough and bitter To the Muses’ high abode, | And such little wand’ring min- strels Get few coppers on the road. So he left Parnassus’ Muses For the muses of Mayfair, Turned lecturer and grew to be A Knight and mllhonnaire. And he writes for weekly papers Where his inspiration makes Verse as mild as Martin Toup- PER’S, Or as mad as Bitty Brakr’s, And his fame became so world- wide That fair Liry Lanertry smiled No more upon the sonnets of His rival, Oscak WILDE. And Asupy STERRY sings no more Of frills, and in despair Poor Oscak WILDE has cut his ‘0a No; not his throat !—his hair. And our iittle Poet munches His daintiest Gallic ga/eau, — While his little ‘‘ Tea-Tray Trio- lets ’’ 7 Is the last success with Caarro, Take warning, then, ye Bardlings, By the career of boys Who think that they are Mittons If they only make a noise. It’s better to be butchers, And not to sing at all ; But if you must be Poets, It’s better not to Bart.

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[June 23, 1883, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘hs c el 4 x Wy 2,7 ie; ) ‘ { "| Siig PN NR acre Maal J); Ligon yay Wi WAND Wi Wiad R \\ N YO AN: TODESON TO THE RESCUE! On HIS way NorkTH, WHERE HE WAS GOING TO sUPPORT Mr, BRADLAUGH, TODESON SUCCEEDS IN PRESSING HIS SERVICES AND COMPANY ON THE DowaGER CounrEss OF MULLINGAR (WHO VAGUELY REMEMBERS HAVING SEEN HIM SOMEWHEFE), AND HER DAUGHTER THE Lapy Nora Creina. Tak NosBie Counrsss, WHOM RECENT EVENTS IN IRELAND HAVE SADLY IMPOVERISHED, LEARNS THAT TODESON HAS GREAT EXPECTATIONS FROM HIS AUNT IN MARGATE; AND LADY Nora CreINnA, WHO HAS JUST BEEN BASELY JiLTED BY YounG Goreivs Mripas (FOR WHOSE SAKE SHE HAD JILTED POOR SoPELY, THE PORTRAIT-PAINTER), THINKS THAT EVEN TODESON MIGHT BE LICKED INTO SHAPE. AT ALL EVENTS, DURING THE JOURNEY, THE FASOINATIONS OF THESE TWO LADIES INDUCE HIM TO GIVE UP Mr. BRADLAUGH FOR THE PRESENT, AND HE SECRETLY RESOLVES TO JOIN THE ROMAN CATHOLIO CHURCH, OF WHIOH THEY ARE DEVOUT MEMBERS, iN \ i ‘ Vik CLEAR THE WAY! Punch, to certain Obstructive Old Persons :— Stawp aside, if you please! Very worthy old souls, But indulging to-day in obstruction vexatious. he world, struggling onward to common-sense goals, Must give hearing to counsels more cool and sagacious. A singular pair, in chance company thrown ; Both hotly and blindly intent on imposing For ever the shackles that Man has outgrown, Keeping open old wounds which sound sense would be closing. Stand aside, if you please! Though you eye with chagrin, And with fussy affright, what you deem an intruder, Mere uninspired Man’s manufacture of sin Breeds a tyranny neither the Turk nor the Tudor, In essence, e’er equalled; and Law that would lay On our lives a whim-bred artificial restriction, Is the law of an ancient and bitter-bad day, Built on private caprice, not on common conviction. Why, Manyine, turn back on the sense of your prime ? Why, Besson, turn face trom the dawning of daylight ? Why brand honest need as unnatural crime ? Why block blameless gleams that humanity’s way light ? These Bogies of Bigotry weaken the guard Of the Kight’s truer sentinels all would fain strengthen. Each vain [aggre pure heart may discard Forms a link in the chain only tyrants would lengthen. Stand aside, if you please! Here Society’s sense Than mere clerical cant speaketh clearer and stronger. Kept back over-long by sophictical fence, Plain instincts of Nature should truckle no longer To vetoes non-natural, working sore pain, Or impurity sore. Though your skirts you upscramble In peevish disgust, your resentment is vain, Vain anathemas fervent and wild skimble-skamble. “THovcut-Reapine.”—It is the simplest thing in ‘the world. Anyone with the command of a shilling can acquire the power, and outdo Mr. Irvine Bisnop. The latest edition of Happy Thoughts, illuminated by the glow of a Foxrniss, may be purchased for the ludicrously absurd sum of one shilling, and so any possessor of coin may become at once a Happy-Thought Reader. IN THE SEASON. “Rest!” cries the Business Man, mid toil and strife ; ‘* Rest!” mid her balls and parties, cries his Wife ; But neither gains it mid the whirl of life. Tue Fish Exchange (Blackfriars) Bill was thrown out by the Select Committee on Wednesday last. What prospect could there be for any Bill at this Season, which, in consequence of its locality being Black-fryers, was understood to exclude Whitebait ? Tur Harr-Hotmay Gurpr-Boox.—Advice: buy two, and make it a whole holiday at once. Much better.

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Joxe 23, 1883. 7 yy” Pray, Ly Lh TEI UE EVITEL AMAL "aU maT), Vitae Meal, ae oa ee me j} ; fi fj f /; hj YY S SS Be 2 iy i Zs -_ . “BY YOUR LEAVE!” Boy mx Cuaree (Lorp D-1H-s-z). ‘‘ NOW, THEN, OLD LADIES—OUT 0’ THE WAY!!”

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” Joxe 23, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

GROSVENOR GALLERY GEMS.

{7

No. 56. Setting the Thames on No. 65. ‘*Shan’t play any more,” Fire near Windsor. A Dyna- on the wrong way,” and Old or, a new version of ‘* The En- No. 165, ‘Good morrow to your miter in Boat. Two Detectives, Gentleman trying to alter it. raged Musician.’’? Herr Joachim Nightcap!’’ or, the Gay Old disguised as Swans, considering Haynes Williams. interrupted in a solo, tries to see Dog Baffled for Once. ‘‘ Three the effect of the first explosion. who the deuce is making that such pretty girls,’’ said the Old Notice the smoke on the water. De ot aan le a noise at the back of the Shil- Boy to himself. ‘‘I’d speak to Where there’s smoke there’s : ; ling Gallery. H. Herkomer, ’em if I hadn’t come out in this fire. Keeley Halswelle, A.R.S.A. A.R.A. confoundedly absurd nightcap.” a z Quite a little ‘* Holiday.”

ee ee No. 32. The Exhausted Laugher after a real side-splitter. “The best thing I ever heard in my

“oy FP. Wiz No. 60. ‘* Her First Very youthful re of the Royal College of Music learning to become a Concert-singer. J. E No. 237. Dress Our own Portrait Millais, R.A. Rehearsal for of theArtisthim- Amateur Thea- self who painted tricals with the No. 237— Properties,—two Grossmith—not the fans and a pro- yom age in ‘ ‘ : : No. 59. Cakes on the top of a green oS Z : LA — a nee, = all apple. “ When this you see, Re- 4 Mpc 4 Y. Lad 48 LE, b * Dootor Ws . oung Lady is APR A member me. octor Watts. 2 Gtalk dhe. bon { * This Picture is called “ Stud — ‘“‘made up her arms too white, eh ?” - on Brighton jw “But a The Lyons Mail. Better_ask the Artist who painted No. 49. How Long? or, tobe cons on earth would build a study on Nemo me in punning lacessit. "em. Weedon Grossmith. tinued in our next. Brighton Downs 2? Wycliffe Taylor.

A

ania!

BS a 1, “The “hi? cemacanper tl R. holds out her hand— ae Meee or eh Pe Oeil wo wopence more, an play you another tune.” Murrat, “ ” No. 82. Without a Bet; or, The Eve of the Derby, and“ No- CORRUPT PRACTICES. thing On!” [In the debate on the Corrupt Practices Bill, Mr. WicGrn said he was a No. 87. ‘‘ Up a Tree”—like a Bird. nervous man, and he should like to know whether, under a certain clause, he No. 111. “‘ Till all’s Blue!” ‘* Nothing left but one colour!” | could meet old political friends in a social way.] . an ee C oe. 3 peheper ArGet, 80, like Mr. Eccles, in Caste, I'll Ox, how hard ’twill be for Members, if, before election time, ; _ _ Puzzle Picture. Puzzle—To find its artistic merit. pr py ng jade se gece he aan age ges . acne con a . M. WHIstLeER. : : No. 119. Practice makes Perfect. Young Lady learning how to If you ask your friends to breakfast, or to lancheon, or to dinner. — ~ of — on the tips of her fingers. So no wonder Henny Wicarn, of East Staffordshire, declares No. 175 AW onfession. : , That he’s nervous when intent upon all hospitable cares ; : . 175. arning. The greedy sickly girl. Already very| And he asks, in piteous accents, if he gives his friends good eating, unwell, but she «ll take anoth tf: the wicked old Boat- i ; i nS Semecan lng er sweet from the wicked old Boat- | Will the Judges frown upon him and declare that he ’s been treating ? No. ,204. “* Oh, Scissors!” Probably a portrait of ‘‘ Scissor | May you give a friend a sandwich, but not ask him in to dine ? Anne, rm | you treat him to cold water, but deny him any wine ? = ere as ey of ry 2 post pr ogg <% a ass of sherry and a seltzer, or a brandy and a soda & At Oxrorp.—‘ Aunt,” said Lavrnt, reading the Daily Telegraph, | __ iad , é i what does this mean—‘ The Duke of ALBANY in his D).C.L. robes’? | You can’t ask the little children of constituents to tea, What does ‘D.C.L.’ stand for?” Mrs, RamssorHam thought awhile, | Without feeling a petition the direct result would be ; . and then replied, ‘* Why, of course, my dear, London, Chatham & Buns and muffins—now, ’tis painful, but we fear it quite the fact is— ver. Depend upon it, the Duke is one of the Directors, and on| Will be looked upon by Judges as corrupt and evil practice. tate occasions ; ” * ° satisfied. wears the official robes.”” Miss Lavvy was quite

; Mr. ForsTeR says that ‘‘ Every man can leave the world better France’s Morro.— Mistress of Tonquin though China squall.” | than he finds it,’ 5 ey but te cases only dy leaving it.

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298 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 23, 1883, | A WORD IN THE SEASON TO THE NEW PICCADILLY WATER-COLOUR WORKS. Everyone is delighted with the New Water-Colour Exhibition when they get there; but as, to arrive at the Galleries, necessi- tates a terrific ascent of no end of a staircase. such of the visitors as resemble Hamlet in being fat and scant of breath, or who are like Mariana in the Moated Grange, ‘* aweary,’—in which case we strongly recommend strawber- ries and cream at the Moated Grange’s, not many doors off, before attempting the climb— bitterly complain of the extra exertion in search of High Art. The Art shouldn’t be so high, eee as the ratson d’étre of this new Society was to bring Art within reach of all. The advantage of course is that scarcely any one of the Public can visit the Piccadilly Water- Works without puffing violently, and of course a young Institu- tion requires an occasional puff. For ourselves, we shall always be delighted to ‘“‘give them a lift,” as long as they deserve it. But, in this instance, the Man- aging Committee would do well to set the example by giving them- selves a lift, or a double lift—no charge for carriage—which should take the visitors up to the Gal- leries on the second floor, and deposit them safely. Depend upon it, this is sound advice, though it may seem to be rather a long- winded—but therefore impartial and disinterested—way of putting it. One great advantage of being able to marry your Deceased Wife’s Sister is, that you only have one Mother-in-law. PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. PRINCE GEORGE OF WALES. Bot IN SPITE OF ALL TEMPTATIONS To A LOT oF OccuUPATIONS, HE BECAME A MIDSHIPMAN, $$, NOTES AT COMMEMORATION, An Oversight. — When the Public Orator, the Rey. W. W, MeEgRY, commenced his Com- memoration Oration, the Under. uates who, in the G: , were Over-Graduates, forgot to sing out— ‘* We are a Merry family ; We are! weare! we are!” An opportunity for a chorus lost for ever, or, at all events, for some time to come, unless they serenade the P. O. before the end of term. That was a neat mot of the ‘*Merry Professor’s’’ when the march from me was played, and he remarked that this illus- trious Roman was noted for bein a very temperate drinker o ee rar Pe mtr his sobri- uet, Sippy-o’ Africanus, . Mr. aen, of Balliol, won the Newdigate with a poem about ‘*Inez DE Castro,” who, it was understood, was a relation of the notorious Claimant. ‘‘ But,” as the ‘‘Merry Professor” said, letting off a real side-splitter, ‘“Ought’un to choose such a subject ?’? When his audience remembered that the Claimant’s name is Orton, they were con- vulsed with laughter, and it was some minutes before they reco- vered their equanimity. 141. “THe Srar Rovre Fravps.” —In reply to numerous Corre- spondents, wanting to know whether these frauds have any- thing to do with the Transit of Venus, or with the provincial tour of some Operatic or Dramatic Celebrity, we can only refer them to the Astronomer-Royal and Mr. JoHn HoLiinesHEaD, Gaiety Theatre. A BUMPER AT PARTING. Princk GrorGE OF WALEs to sea is gone, On the Canada’s deck you’! find him ; Before him fun and hard work well done, And loving hearts behind him. Here ’s the Royal Middy’s jolly good health, As he travels the big world round again ! May he lay up good store of professional wealth Ere the Canada’s homeward-bound again ! ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. Monday Night, June 11.—House of Lords crowded to-night. Question is, ‘‘May we marry our Deceased Wife’s Sister?’ Lord Datnoos!z says ‘*‘ Yes.” Lord Cargns says ‘‘ No.’ House appa- rently pretty equally divided ; that is, if we take in the Bishops who crowd their benches. Prince of WALEs on cross-benches, so is Duke of Connavuent and Duke of AtBany. Princess of WaLkEs from Gallery above smiles impartially upon the just and unjust. Prince Gerorer and Prince Vicror by her side. Both thoroughly convinced in favour of Bill. ‘‘Tell you what, Tony,” said Prince Victor, ‘* When I’m King I’ll make those Bishops sit up. If I catch ’em interfering with legislation in this style, blocking the way when majority of House of Commons, and od of Lay Peers in favour of a Bill, it won’t be Seven I'll send to the Tower, but Twenty-Two.” _ Nice straightforward, outspoken young man, Prince Victor. So is GzoreE. Wanted to swap knives with me. Quite surprised to hear I never carried one. Pressed on me bit of twine, two alley taws, an old thimble, and bit of cobbler’s wax. Said there was awful fun to be got out of the latter., Mentioned ibility of secretly approach- ing Speaker’s Chair and accidentally leaving compound there. Told him I would look up precedents. . t : Young Princes, like everyone else, chiefly delighted with speech of Lord BRAMWELL. . ‘* Most remarkable person,” said the Primate, turning round to gaze upon him. ‘ Likea bull inachina shop. Not my ideaof a judge at all. CoLEeripGE nearer the ideal.” ; Lord Corermce himself deeply shocked at his learned brother making jokes on sucha subject. Didn’t quite go the length of reproving him, but with halt-closed eyes, tone of melancholy in his voice, and head gently oscillating, lamented his levity. ® ‘* Remember old Pecksniff shaking his head over John Westlock? young Vicror whispered tobrother GEoRGE. _ . Great cheering when figures announced, showing Second _ carried by 165 votes against 158. Barring Bishops, this is working majority of twenty-seven. ; Lively night in Commons, Ranpotrg broke loose again. Accuses Government of complicity in judicial murder of SuLEIMAN SaMI. ‘Managed that pretty well, Toy, doncha think ?” he asked me later. ‘A little bothered at the outset. At one time thought the Government would interfere to save this infamous Pasha, who smo: his cigarette whilst Alexan is burning, and goes whining fainting to the scaffold. Meant to make it hot for GLADSTONE con- niving at escape after full trial. Then they hang him, and I hed on short notice to reoast speech. But would do anything for my country and my party. Batis done.—Annuity Bills for ALcesTER and WOLSsELEY wrangled through. Tuesday.—Not having had anything relating to Ireland more

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SOS ee eee lw lw Tat Pace el 1 eS | \ i t Jone 23, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. £99 A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY. Old Gentleman (returning from City festivity). ‘‘ PLEASHM’N, WHERE ’SH M’sHr’R Brown LIVE?” Constable (recognising him), ‘‘ WHY, DEAR MBE, SIR, yOU ARE Mr. Browz!” Bu’—wHERE Do I tive?” |} Mr. B. **Aw RIGHT ! recently than yesterday, to-day been chiefly devoted to that inter- esting country. “Treland,” says Sir Cuartes Ditke, ‘‘ was clearly foreseen in JostrpH's dream—not JosEPH GiLLIs, but the earlier Statesman. Ireland is the lean kine which swallows up all business in the House of Commons, and is no better after the meal.” To-day began with Belfast. Private Bill on, to do something to harbour. JosepH GiLLIs complained of constitution of present Harbour Board as being too aristocratic. Seems they wash their hands and face more than once a week, put on clean linen on Sunday, go home sober, issue no threatening notices, and were never known to shoot a landlord or stab a juryman. J. G. would hurl these haughty placemen from power, and make general qualification of constituency similar to that which recently elected Mr. Jamus Caney on Dublin Corporation. Discussion continued for two hours. All eyes fixed on SPEAKER. Momentary expectation that he would discover evident sense of the House, and put stopper on JosEPH. “Tf cléture ever to be used, we shall see it now,” Sir StrarrorD Nokrucore whispered to Grand Caoss, whom I always forget to call Sir Richaxp, But Srzaker made no sign. Ventured to hint to Right Hon. Gentleman as we were smoking a cigar together after half-past seven dinner what had been expected of him. All very well for you fellows, Tosy,” says he, “to fret and fume. But there is something due to me. I am here day after day, hour after hour far into the night, and must have my recrea- tion sometimes. Nothing more soothing to me than voive of JosEPH Guus. Feel invigorated and wound up for night’s work after couple of hours’ conversation by JosgrH and his Brethren on such subject as Belfast Harbour. Of course, it’s little awkward for public business ; but we must average that. I must live; and if I Test and recreation in this way, what does that matter to you?” SPEAKER a little cross, I thought, but day hot, and House sure to made at nine o'clock. He’s quite right; and, though we can’t understand source of enjoyment, too much to grudge it to best er known to this generation. Business done.—Three lines of Corrupt Practices Bill passed ugh Committee. Wednesday.—Quite a quiet afternoon, although first Bill was an Trish one. McCoan moved the Second Reading from bench below Gangway on Liberal side. Used to settle national affairs from front bench below Gangway opposite, but thought it judicious to move. ‘*Don’t care to have a fellow like O’KeLLy behind me,” he says. ‘* Never know what may happen. Sitting here, can keep my eye on 0 wif I see him feeling for a pistol, can at once rise on point of order. Mr. Ramsay took advantage of absence of interesting topics in House to devote hour or so to Home-SecreTary. Remarkable sight to see Grandiose Old Man button-holed, or led about by Ram- say. ’Twas not alwaysthus. Was a time when the Member for Falkirk was treated as ordinary Members, particularly Scotch Members. But Mr. Ramsay not to be easilv shaken off. One after- noon Grandiose Old Man, strolling out of House, stroking his chin, and giving other evidence of being sunk in profound thought. Ramsay, just entering, accosted him. G.O.M. passed on as if he were bodily in the clouds. But Ramsay not a man to be trifled with. Old Covenanter blood up. Seized Hancourr by sleeve, and, forcibly pulling him up, said— . i Ay e, aye! surely a Scotch Member may speak to a Secretary of tate. And he did. Since then, pretty to see Grandiose Old Man, when entering Lobby, anxiously looking round to see if Ramsay’s about. Will take any bye-way to escape him ; but, once those shaggy eye- brows bent upon him, and those well-known accents in his ear, becomes docile as a child, and yields without a struggle. Ramsay, having conquered, is merciful. Kept him only an hour this afternoon, whilst sketched plan for new Scotch Ministry. Thursday.—At work on the Corrupt Practices Bill. Soothed and inspired by presence of Mr. Coartes Luwis. Not seen much of him of late Sessions. Been usefully employed in United States, Mr. Macartney tells me, in interests of his constituency. Back again now, and buckling to work with old energy. Has always come out strong on question of purity of election. His famous White Waistcoat first dazzled House of Commons nine years ago on question of issue of writ for some peccant borough. Now, when Bill is pro- posed for enforcing purity of Election, Mr. Lewis naturally to,the fore, though the White Waistcoat is a thing of the past. ** Gone away in the Ewigkeit,” Captain O’SHEA says. Don’t know what Ewigkett is. Suppose it’s Celtic for washer-

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300 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | [June 23, 1883, woman. But though White Waistcoat flames no more, all the grace and culture of which (taken in conjunction with the square-cut black coat and trousers to match) it was the emblem, remain. very well for ATTORNEY-GENERAL, who is in charge of Bill, and resents delay, to state pe in the House that Mr. Lewis is repre- sentative of Solicitors who are threatened with diminution of bills of costs by operation of the proposed Act. Everyone knows that Member for Derry is influenced by no other motive than the desire for purity of Election, and the prevalence generally of the Good and the True. Sir Trevor Lawrence tells pretty story in support of his Amend- ment. Parson writes to him on behalf of congregation, intimating that they.think Liberals and Conservatives much the same thing, specially Liberals. What they regard as of much more importance, is to free their chapel from debt. ‘* Those who give most,” writes this model Pastor, ‘‘are regarded as our best friends, and thereby will be influenced about two hundred votes.” : . ‘* Now, that,” said Mr. Grsson, ‘‘is a style I like. No beating about the bush, but comes direct to the point. Two hundred votes going to the highest bidder. Boxes will be held at the door, and voluntary played on the harmonium whilst competition goes forward.” ’ ' Committee inclined to take matter seriously, and Sir Trevor Lawrence’s Amendment, designed to check Pastors with evenly- balanced minds, likely to be accepted. " : Business done.—Carried Clause One of Corrupt Practices Bill. Friday.—Corrupt Practices all afternoon. Question of what is undue spiritual influence. Have valuable ruling on the subject from JosErH Grits. Mr. Catan also contributes to general infor- mation. Began on page 1, line 26. Left off at 26th line of first page. ‘* This Committee,” mused The O’GormaNn Manon, “‘is like the farmer and the claret. You get no forrader with it.” Rip Van Winkle. A CHARITABLE THOUGHT-READER. Axout three thousand ge were assembled last week in the Great St. James’s Hall to benefit, by their guineas, five-shilling-pieces, and half-crowns, that excellent Charity, the Victoria Hospital for Sick Children. These three thousand would-be benefitters of the afflicted infants had also another aim in view—they had come to see a really genuine stand-up ‘“‘row”’ between Mr. BisHor, an American, and the Senior Member for Northampton. Mr. Bisnop, when he appeared, was self-possessed, but indistinct. Finding this, the half-crown benefitters of afflicted childhood seated injthe back gallery shouted savagely to him to ‘speak up.” Mr. Bisnop did ‘‘speak up,”’ and proceeded to form what he called ‘‘a Committee.” He nominated Mr. GzorcE Avcustus Sata and the Bishop of NEwcast Le to belong to this indefinite body, but neither of the ‘‘inseparables” just mentioned condescended to put in an appear- ance. owever, a Volunteer Colonel, an ex-Chief Constable, an innocent-looking old Clergyman, and last, but unquestionably not least, Mr. Wavpy, Q.C., M.P., did step up, and take their seats on the chairs which Mr. BisHop said he had reserved for them. Then the ‘‘Thought-Reader” had a good deal to say about Messrs. LasoucHERkE and Frrtu, of an uncomplimentary character, and the charitably-disposed towards suffering babyhood yelled with delight. But when he proceeded to expose some well known ‘‘spiritualistic tricks” the audience were less satisfied. “We have paid our money to see the Thought-Reading!” shrieked an infant-soother, ‘‘ and we don’t want anything else.” Then what the newspapers usually call a ‘‘ scene of indescribable confusion ” ensued, until oil was poured upon the troubled waters by the election of Mr. Wappy, Q.C., M.P.. to be Chairman. From this point the talking was incessant. The Chairman, having once broken the ice, seemed to be never tired of taking the audience into his con- fidence. He walked from side to side of the platform, smiling through his spectacles, and holding up his hand to the now very noisy and very angry friends of the children, to demand their attention. At length Mr. Bisnop said he would find a pin, and Mr. Lane Fox was deputed by the rage-maddened audience to hide it. He did conceal it—in an opera hat. All| nity, hurried him hither and thither about the hall. Mr. Bisnop, after being blindfolded, seized upon the ‘‘ Eminent Electrician,” and, casting aside all considerations of personal dig. At last ‘Thought - Reader” stopped, and, after declaring he could do nothing with his companion, slapped his (Mr. BisHor’s) forehead, dived down under a chair (accompanied by Mr. Lane Fox), and returned (accompanied by Mr. Lank Fox) holding the opera-hat in which was sticking the now safely-recovered pin. The fickle friends of invalided childhood roared with applause, For the moment Mr. BisHop was the popular hero, and everyone regarded Mr. Lane Fox (again, only for the moment) as a personal enemy of several years’ standing. The ‘‘ Thought-Reader ” returned to the platform, and again Mr. Wappy, Q.C., M.P., resumed his harangue. But an earnest sympathiser with the exalted objects of the Victoria Hospital in the body of the hall objected to anything further being done until Mr. BrsHor had discovered the number of a ‘*fiver” of which he (the earnest sympathiser) proudly declared himself to be the owner. His suggestion was received with howls of execration. _ Then Mr. Wanpy, Q.C., M.P. (whose flow of talk seemed to be interminable), with uplifted hand and eyes smiling through spec- tacles, suggested that Mr. BisHop should guess the number of a bank-note which, although belonging aageenty to Mr. Russetz, Q.C., had, somehow or other, got into the possession of Professor Ray Lancaster. Mr. Bishop wavered. Upon this, the not-to-be- too-greatly- trusted - alleviators -of-the-pains-of- infancy turned upon him like one man, and savagely jeered at him. Then Mr, RussELL, Q.C., angrily left the Hall. This proceeding caused fresh shouts of hate, which only subsided when it was found that he had left his note behind him. Professor LANCASTER explained that he was the happy possessor of the valuable tissue-paper in question, and refused, on any consideration whatever, to part with it. And as this bold and determined announcement seemed to cause the Entertainer much annoyance, the audience applauded the Professor to the echo. I heard subsequently that Mr. Brsor did tell the number of a note belonging to a Gentleman who was rather coldly received as ‘*the friend of Mr. Strannops, M.P.,” after a great deal of bickering and arrangement. But let that pass. For, in or about the time of the ‘‘ Lancaster incident,’’ our Entertainer announced that any of afflicted childhood’s wealth-bestowing friends who wanted their money returned might have it back on applying at the Office, Acting upon this suggestion, I rose stealthily and left the Hall. And now a most remarkable specimen of ‘Thought Reading” occurred. Just as I imagined I had a guinea (the price of a stall) well within my reach, the attendant at the door discovered that I was turning it over in my own mind that I, personally, had not paid for admission. Well, well, I didnot get the money. What of that—the Victoria Hospital is an excellent Charity ! APPROPRIATE REWARD OF MERIT. On vir that Sir Pump CuntirrE Owen and the energetic managers of the Fisheries Exhibition are to be made Honorary Fellows of All Soles College, Oxford. Tue IntsH Jurozn BoycorreD.—Poor Mr. Fretp! His is a very hard case, and we trust the subscriptions will come in handsomely to start him ina newcountry. Asa Juror he showed himself “a fair Fretp,” and unfortunately he gets ‘‘no favour.” Tue Dvz or Ben Nevis.—An Observatory. University Matches. As the old-established Colleges at the two great Universities have produced the College Don, why shouldn’t the new feminine foundations of Newnham an Girton develo the College Donna? And then, barring sta- tutes in special cases imposing celibacy, what cause or just Im- pediment will there be why those z|two personages should not be joined together in holy matri- mony ? A CarprnaL Pornt.—When at Ecclesiastical Depess tries to be all things to all men, he gene- rally ends by being ‘‘ Nothing to Nobody.” — Ashmead Bartlett, M.P., as Horatio Sparkins. @4y TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders

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X Jose 30, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 301 t ° ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. P EXTRACTED FROM q THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. ' , C.BRADLAVCH, (N THE SAME CLOTHE s AS WORN BY Him 2° avg . isas e 1 d s f g a d if e = a Ly or = T.M.HEALY . BM in parson oaess|).1,0 Kelly h ae oe 18 oy id Aint : ! TERY iy HTT TAT i UJ Wi: TTT! : THE WESTMINSTER WAX-WORKS.—THE CHAMBER OF, HORRORS. Fs House of Commons, Monday Night, June 18.—Mr. Bricur “‘ been | whether I ought to call Sir Lyon) delivered another interesting ag 4 saying things” down at Birmingham. Mr. James Lowruer shocked. | lecture. Subject not attractive. Small-pox, in fact, which, on the of Lord RaxpotpH horrified. Mr. CHaptin indignant. Agree that| whole, is a little worse than vivisection. But the lecture so of Sir StarForD must do something. Sir Srarrorp not quite sure about | fascinating that unpleasantness of subject lost sight of. Lecture ir wisdom or safety of course suggested. __ lasted Professorial hour. Benches rapidly filled up. Students 4 ; “People living in glass-houses throwing stones, and that sort of| most orderly. No shuffling of feet, coughing, or other noises, il. a | you know,” he murmured. But Truthful James insistent. though plenty of applause. Prrer Taytor sat on back bench, ” J “Tf there ’s one thing I can’t bear,” he says, ‘‘ it’s strong lan-| shaking his head, and taking voluminous notes. Pretty to see the il) ; guage. Let us, above all things, be moderate. We differ from pitying smile of Mr. Horwoop, as he regarded the applausive crowd. tT i ntlemen opposite on matters of opinion; but don’t let us there-| ‘* Wonderful simplicity about this House, Tony,” he said to ot fore accuse them of maltreating their mothers-in-law. Bricur’s|me, afterwards. ‘A little learning goes a far way with them. of 5 example might be followed by younger Members like Rytanps and} Will believe anything, if figures are quoted, and scientific illus- Duwyy, if left unrebuked. Practice might spread. Might reach] trations introduced. could have rolled up PiLayrarr in ten even our side, and then think of disgrace to our cause! ” minutes. But wasn’t worth while; and perhaps House wouldn’t Sir StarrorD NortucoreE still doubtful, but yields to argument, | have heard me. They don’t like real erudition.” and here’s Mr. Brieut to-night dragged up for judgment. Great hue and cry after Mr. Mayne. Gone off with Sir ARTHUR his “ Brought a sheet with you, Joun?” the waggish Witrerp said| Hayrer’s hat. Sir ArTHUR, worn out with departmental work, ry as the Birmingham Heavy Weight appeared. ‘‘Got a candle in|and attendance on House, falls asleep in Library. Puts his your pocket ? You'll look well standing at the Bar doing penance.” | hat on table; new one last week. Cost guinea-and-half. Rather Turns out to bea mistakesomewhere. Penance last idea in Jonn’s proud of it. Division-bell rings; wakes up; seizes hat; fancies mind. “Seems,” as Sir CHaRLEs ForsTER says, “‘leg’s on other boot.” | it’s limp. Looks again, and discovers it’s positively decrepit, and TY The Conservative Party are had up for punishment, whilst the Irish| hung round with habiliments of woe, in shape of crape band. ely - tebel” Party get a slogging, under which they shout and toss in| Police inquiry. Howakp Vixcent comes down. ‘‘ Who was in a ae pain. Even the blameless RanpotpH is seized by collar, | room when you fell asleep?” ‘Only Mr. Maynx.” Examine hat. nd roughly shaken. Grand Cross in terrible trepidation. Almost] Find A. M. written inside lining. Cordon of Police thrown round Piteously begged for ‘‘ something the House could accept asapology.” |the House. Police boat off the terrace reinforced. Search for I thought we’d better have left him alone,” says Sir SrarrorpD|Maynz, Can’t be found. Look out for him next day. Dvesn’t im Nokrucore, wishing it were over. turn up. Suspicions deepen. RicHarp Power, threatened with oe: In excitement of moment no one answered Mr. Marvum’s conun-| arrest as accomplice, confesses he’s gone to Monaghan on Electoral Mr. Marum a gentleman with red face and inoffensive| business. This looks serious. Question whether to canvas votes manners. When he suddenly sprang up in interruption of PREmrE, | in new hat of Minister of the Crown is not corrupt practice. . ges House painfully surprised. Didn’t expect such a t ing of him. But} ‘ Anyhow,” says Mr. O’Sutzrvan, “it’s a very Mayne trick. tles UM once aroused not easily quelled. Insisted on right to speak. | I Hayter thing of that sort.” a on, House aoe ““Order!”? Mr. Marum defiantly shook his head.| Sir CoarnLes Forster, soon as he heard of it, called to pay visit ine Irish Members cheered madly. SPEAKER rose. PREMIER resumed | of condolence to Sir AnTHUR. ‘I know what it is to lose a hat,” and seat, Marv still on legs sternly facing uproar. A lull. Then| said the Hon. Baronet, with tears in his eyes. lege ARUM speaks. Pet : ; Business done.—Anti-Vaccination craze received death-blow. sta Is it in order,” he says, amid silence appalling by contrast with| Wednesday.—More conundrums from Irish Members. Mr. SHIEL re, oa that the Prime Minister should assume that no| wants to know what section of Irish Party O’DonnEL1 belongs to. This os m ould speak from these benches when they have not got the| worse than Makxum’s. House gives it up on the spot. O'DonweLt re Pportunity of speaking as they are prepared—or not?” himself quite taken aback. Thinks Sure should have given notice Pac i ans moment, trying to master this remarkable pro-|of question. Answering off-hand, he should say he represents ; coveeal iving it up, burst into a roar of laughter, that lasted| Franx Huen O'Donng11; in brief, he’s the Fifth Party. “ ange by gad!” said Lord E r Terrible young man when once roused, is young Saret. ‘‘ Looks “The beari f Ys , Said Lord EDMOND FITZMAURICE. /as if butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth,” says JosEPH GILLIs, 1 an mang gb this observation lay in the application on it. admiringly, ‘‘ and yet he goes for O'DonNELL. Neat hit that about 3 to len Legislature might laugh; but Mr. Marum had posed | using the stationery of the Irish Parliamentary Party to write letters ene- m . Let them answer his conundrum, or honestly give it up. to newspapers, Must cultivate SHIEL’s acquaintance. Wonder if g to tices Bill, done.—Agreed to one Amendment on the Corrupt Prac-| he’s partial to mild breakfast-bacon. Looks asif he was. Shall T, ; send him half aside.” Business done.—Irish. at wesday Night—Lyon Prayrarr (whom really don’t know| Zhursday.—Criminal Code Bill dropped. Been dropping for some ni — VOL, LXXXxry, DD

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —— (Jung 30, 1883 ii { ailil er 1 ll ms SOME PEOPLE HAVE SUCH A PLEASANT WAY OF PUTTING THINGS. **Now DO LET ME PROPOSE YOU AS A MEMBER.” **Bur suPPOSE THEY BLACKBALL ME?” **Poon! AssurD! Way, MY DEAR FELLOW, THERE'S NOT A MAN IN THE CLUB THAT KNOWS YOU, EVEN!” time. Fall precipitated by strategic action on part of Mr. Warton. Got up early this morning. At door of Committee before twelve. Whenever Conservative Member approached with intent to enter room, Warton offered him pinch of snuff. Member took it. Curious effects follow. Great drowsiness came over him. Began to yawn. Showed strong disposition to sit down on floor. Mr. Warton offered arm. Gratefully accepted. Led Member off to neighbouring Committee-Room not in use. Helped him toa chair, and left him there. Turned key in door. Went off to watch for another Member. Snuff-box again, with same result, till he’d got from fifteen to] p twenty Hon. Gentlemen sitting on chairs fast asleep. Meanwhile, Sir Matraew Rotey (no relation to elderly Ropert) sitting in chair waiting for quorum. ATTORNEY-GENERAL’s usually sweet temper ruffled by mysterious delay on part of Members accus- tomed to put in appearance. Went to door to look out. Nothing to be seen but Mr. WaRTON pensively surveying the ceiling of the corridor. ‘*Late in coming, ain’t they? Take a pinch of snuff, Mr. ATTORNEY-GENERAL.” James glared at him. Went back. Half-past Twelve ; no quorum. Twenty minutes to One; twenty Members just made up. WaARTON softly unlocked Committee-Room Door. Honourable Members began to stretch their arms and yawn. Wakrron sitting in seat and listen- ing with interest to Mr. Lasovcnerr’s calculation of how long it would take Committee to finish Bill. Presently Members began to stroll in. Come in twos and threes, ey | horribly sleepy, com- plaining of closeness of day. Exhausting labours in House; up late at night. Quite sleepy at middle of day ; must have Committee- Room better ventilated. Too late to save Bill. If Members won’t come in to make a quorum, what’s the use of struggling with it? So Bill abandoned, and Mr. Warton, carefully emptying snuff-box in grate, fills it from another packet, and helps himself to congratulatory pinch. Business done.—Passed Clause 3 of Corrupt Practices Bill. Friday.—Some mistake about Sir AkTHUR HayTer’s hat. MAYNE back from Ireland, indignantly denies accusation. Produces his own hat, which, as JosEPa GILLIS says, is quite “ on roygle,” ‘* That ’s all very well,” says Sir ARTHUR HayTER, a little crossly; * but who’s got the hat ?” , . ; Horrible suspicion seizes the mind. Can it be Sir Cuantes Forster? Happy thought. Try his hat on, and see how it wil] fit. Sir Cartes Forsrer tracked. Seen to deposit his hat in locker accidentally left open in corridor. Goes away and forgets where he put it. When out of sight, Sir ArrHour tries it on, Comes down to his ears. Plainly, Sir CHaR Es is innocent. But who isthe culprit? In white band-box, hanging on hook in cloak- room, is the venerable deposit with its covering of rusty craps, But where’s Sir AkTHUR HayTER’s hat ? y All afternoon at Corrupt Practices Bill. Made precious little pro. gress. At night biter bit. Wanton delivering interesting speech, when JosEPH GILLis counted him out. J. G. says only his fun, but Wanton wrath. Prospect of coolness between these eminent men, THE BRITISH ARMY—PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE, (In three short Essays.) Essay No. I.—On tHe Enatiisn SoLpIer IN THE Past, Every Regiment was filled with the outcome of the gaols, and the country depended for a second line of defence — @ compulsory Militia. The men spent their whole lives with the colours. The were either kidnapped, or decoyed into the Army. They join wearing bonds of drink, or chains of penal servitude. For ail this they won Blenheim, Plassey, Alexandria, and Waterloo. Essay No. IIl.—On tHe EnenisH Somprer IN THE PREsENT, The constitution of the Army, nowadays, is changed annually, For the moment the recruit is enlisted for short service, then passed into the Reserve, then recalled by a large bounty to the colours to fill up vacancies. By this simple means the Reserve is turned into a farce, and long service is re-established at a con- siderable additional outlay. ntly, all esprit-de-corps has been destroyed by giving the Regiments new titles, and thus crossing out with a stroke of the pen the memories of a long list of British victories. But the names have not only been altered. The colour of the uniform is to be changed from red to drab, and the standards, once proudly borne aloft, are to be permanently abolished. More- over, the Militia are neglected, the Yeomanry ignored, and the Volunteers laughed at. The men of the Regular Army are treated like slaves—they are passed from the Regiment they prefer to the Regiment they dislike, without the smallest re to their feelings, and everywhere the Queen’s livery is accep as a badge of dis- grace. i het, the British troops of the present day are mis- managed, overworked, and insulted. In spite of this they were defeated in South Africa. Essay No. I[].—Os tae Enauish Sotprer IN THE FUTURE. There will be no English soldier in the future! OUR OFFISHIAL GUIDE. Part V1.—Concrusion. Berort leaving the great Fisheries Exhibition, it is the duty of every visitor to partake of the celebrated Sixpenny Dinner. This obligation is generally admitted, as the crowd standing before the arrier in front of the economical refreshment room amply proves. All that is required by the would-be diner is patience. However, as a guide should be, if not ‘‘a philosopher,” at least ‘‘a friend,” it may be as well to describe the process, pour encourager les autres, who, on this occasion, may be said to be represented by the luxurious, the impatient, and the wasteful. : : Golden rule —“‘ First get your sixpence.” Have it ready in yout right hand, so that it may be tendered at exactly the proper moment. Armed with your coin of admission, you can join the struggling throng of miscellaneous humanity who continually press onwa towards the door leading to the plates of cheap fish and boiled potatoes. You will have ample leisure to study that grandest of subjects (according to Pope), your fellow-man. By degrees you will get nearer to the long-looked-for portal, and then the rumour Ww reach you that the Public are being admitted in batches of twenties and thirties. By-and-by you will work your way to the spot sacred to the presence of a conversational Policeman. Then you will obtain your first glance of the banquet which is the object of — z 8 aspirations. How you will hate the dawdlers who } ay with their bread, or trifle with their beer! Unless you are qualified by natural sweetness of disposition for canonisation, you will mutter a curse # you watch old women taking five-and-twenty minutes to discuss fried slip, and twice as long to tell a seemingly uninteresting se to their kith and kin. You will find the presence of the conversati Policeman quite an acquisition. With a little encouragement, he ———

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Joxe 30, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

Battie oF WATERLOO SraTION, S. SS WN tT METROPOLITAN PRIZE PUZZLES. Puzzle—To FIND THE TRAIN YOU WANT, OR ANYONE ABLE TO GIVE YOU ANY INFORMATION. 7 | ii

‘ | %, me \ | | “ 1 pe {HiIl a NVA | A ‘if! <4

will tell you all his sorrows ; how long he has to stand at the door, how hot it is, or how cold, until at last you will almost be compelled to force a shilling into his honest hand. Restraining yourself witha mighty effort, you will not tip the blue-coated representative of the Law. In spite of your virtue thus honourably exhibited, the Police- man will not become more reticent. Nay, it is possible that, on the contrary, he may even describe to you the terrors of the pangs of thirst. But all things must come to an end—even a wait before the doors of the Sixpenny Dinner, and the sorrows of a conversational Policeman. Of a sudden a Gentleman will appear at a turnstile, and, with the permission of the perspiring representative of the Law, you will enter with a rush, after hurriedly exchanging your sixpence for a refreshment-ticket. You will sit down at a table with a dirty cloth, and, after several attempts to claim attention, at length catch the eyes of an overworked young person in a cap. “Boiled or fried?” the overworked young person in a cap will as she hurriedly passes you. You will reply, and if then you answer ‘* Boiled,” you will be supplied with a mass of fish covered with melted butter ; if ‘‘ Fried,’”’ you will receive a gigantic helping of something brown. But not at once! Oh, dear, no! You must wait your turn; and, when the smoking dish is set with a jerk on the dirty cloth in front of you, you may rest and be thankful! How- ever, while ae are still dinnerless, an occasional glance at the weary faces outside the barrier will cause you to thank your lucky stars that you have at least ‘got in.” But, when you have eaten your sixpennyworth of fish, bread, and potatoes, it may possibly occur to ou that the game may not have been exactly worth the candle. On leaving, you will be possibly told that the dinners are supplied ata loss, borne by the Baroness Burpett-Courts. Of course, this 18 satisfactory, so far as it goes—but, emphatically, no further. Six- pence for a hot wait, a dirty cloth, and a plate of fish is extremely cheap. It will be as well to bear in mind, however, @ propos de rien, some things which are cheap are also nasty ! And now our task is done. Among the miscellaneous articles of in- terest in the Exhibition may be enumerated some stuffed fish in cases and a very ae sort of custard-powder. ‘There is also a pleasant bookstall, where you can buy paper-covered novels. Besides these exhibits there is an Aquarium, which has but one fault. To quotea

Lady’s opinion anent it, ‘‘ The tanks would be charming if they didn’t contain fish ! ”’ One word of advice in conclusion. Don’t try to see everything, but be satisfied with what seem (in the eyes of the Public) to be the principal objects of interest. And here is a model programme, which if followed, will secure the desired result :— 10 a.m.—Entering the Exhibi- tion. Sit down and rest. 1015 a.m.—Looking at Lady BrassEy’s feather-cloak. 10 30 a.m.—Examining the fish knives and forks made out of lobster shells, 1045 a.m.— Glimpse at the Prince of WatLks’s Pavilion. 11a.M.—Waiting for admission to the Sixpenny Diming-room. 12 noon.—Ditto. In conclusio 1 p.m.—Ditto. 2 P.M.—First mouthful of Six- penny Dinner. 25 p.m.—Last ditto of ditto. 210 p.m.— En route for the Bandstand. 2'15 p.m.—Arrival in the Hor- ticultural Gardens. 3 p.M.—Still waiting for the Band. 4 30 p.M.—Enjoying the Band. 7 p.M.—Home,

asa general rule you should avoid nets, shun life-

boats, ignore fishing-rods, and give a wide berth to tinned provisions. If, however, you are perverse, and will try to master thoroughly the various entries in the Official Catalogue, why then, unless your brain be bother-proof, you will run a good chance of qualifying for admit- tance to the excellent establishment so honourably associated with the name of Dr. Newrneron. Briefly, if you wil/ attempt too much, you will commence with ‘‘ sunny ocean,’’ and end with ‘‘ lu-na-cy!”’

H.R.H. the Duke of Campnringe and Lord WotseLry have pro- nounced decidedly against the Channel Tunnel. They consider it dangerous. Both are excellent soldiers— Cela va sans dire ; and the above expression of opinion goes to prove that they must be also first-rate sailors; as, if they were not, but are still fond of a run over to Paris for a little holiday, they would probably be all in favour of the Tunnel, and dead against the short (!) sea passage— coool is such a sad passage in the life of most of us lubberly ers,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Joe 30, 1883, A TURN AT THE HANDEL. A MARVELLOUS sight! Four thousand singers, and an Orchestra of four hundred and forty-one performers ! hy forty-one? Why couldn’t he have left it at a round number, and —— away? But some people never know when they are not wanted. I fancy that forty- first man—the ‘‘odd man out”— must have been the performer on a side-drum who broke loose (quite enthusiastically) twice on the first day, getting well away from_ the chorus, and motging two bars ahead till pulled up by Mr. Manns. Mr. Manns had had another con- ducting-rod by him, that forty-first man would have known it. What could have induced this extra per- former to present himself when the round number of four hundred and forty had been arrived at? There are some people who never know when they are in the way, and here was an instance in point. While all the approaches to the Palace by road and rail are thronged, the Palace gardens are deserted. At a side-door an idle waiter is smoking : a quiet pipe. On the approach of our party he tries to look as if the pipe had got into his mouth much against his will, and turns away from us as if to admire the view. He, at all events, does not seem in the least excited by the grandeur of the occasion. Our party of three enters by a way leading into the Aquarium, up a damp and melancholy staircase, where are some old ragged and half-faded advertisements on the walls, and some mouldy-looking submarine rocks in a glass case,—suggesting the idea of neglected fish having lived and died there, in sheer despair of ever being noticed by anybody. Evidently this staircase is not much used. On the landing there are the usual turnstiles, and a man in authority who appears pr at seeing us. He nar- rowly scrutinises our party, and carefully examines our tickets before committing himself to the assertion that it is ‘all right.” Having obtained permission, which, by the way, is grudg- ingly conceded, we enter the building by the Conservatory, — and suddenly find ourselves = = between ase a - people drawn up in military fashion to receive somebody of hesedinnen. There like deuce” Tae Se ae was a murmur of ‘Here they come!’ as we strolled in, followed by a dissatisfied antistrophe ef ‘‘ No, they don’t !’’ accompanied by such looks of resentment and such expressions of disappointment as convinced me at once that it wasn’t our party which had been anxiously expected. In the distance I catch a glimpse of some persons, not, apparently from this point, many, and I begin to wonder what has become of the Handel Festival, when my ear catches the last notes of ** God Save the Queen,” which, from the Conservato’ door by which I am sti standing, sounds as if it were being sung by one person to a weak violin accompaniment. The Royal Party, expected to arrive here (or, if not, why these two rows of spectators marshalled by occasional police ?), have, as a kind of practical joke, entered by another way, and have taken their seats, where I subsequently get a good view of them, in a sort of magnificent Doll’s House, beautifully furnished, with the front _ open and no staircases inside. Here they sit, looking in the istance (everything from where my central seat is, isin the distance, more or less, to me) like the dolls themselves, elegantly dressed; the Prince of TEcK being very much en évidence as a very round, com- ‘*A Manns a man for a’ that ’’— and so he has proved himself. di “A sweet little Cherub sits perched The Hand-all Festival. fortable, fresh-coloured doll in morning costume, such as may be seen in any model gathering in the window of a big toy-shop in Regent Street, or at the corner of the Rue de Rivoli. The first part has commen as I pass in and am searching for my chair. turn round and take in everything at a coup d’cil, There is Mr. Manns conducting, with his face to the Chorus, and his back to a bust, presumably of HanpEt. The Sculptor had evident] taken the great Composer unawares just as he had got out of bed, ey after a hard night of it, for the bust looks dread- fully bilious, and the nightcap has a rakish, devil-may-care sort of air—suggestive, in fact, of anything but the sort of air we are accustomed to associate with the name of HanpEt. On Mr. Manns’s right sits Madame TREBELLI in a morn- ing dress, without a bonnet, looking as if she were quite at home, and intended making a day of it. Next to her is Signor Fort, who, when not vocalis- ing, appears to be amusing himself by making faces at no one in particular. On Mr. Manns’s left sits Mr. Maas, looking as much at his ease as a gentleman at a banquet who, unaccustomed to public speak- ing, has been informed that, in the absence of some popular indi- vidual, he may be called upon by the Chairman, at any moment, to return thanks for the Ladies. A polite official whispers something in my ear as to the position of my chair. He repeats it. I cannot catch it. Once more he repeats his information louder. ‘‘ My dear Sir,” I reply to him, “if you will only stop that Chorus ’—which at this moment is singing a jovial sort of air, the words of which sound to me something like * Bos merrily ” repeated over and over again—‘‘ if you will only get that Chorus to be quiet for one prone yx = be able to hear what you are saying.” The Polite Official smiles, shrugs his shouldere, bows, points to block B, and, referring to my ticket, I pass’ on, and arrive at my destination. , Signor Fort rises in his place, and sings “‘ And I will shake”— which he does to any extent. The effect conveyed to me by this basso profondo shake is the notion of a convivial Gentleman who having come away, in a very happy state, from a late supper, and —- somehow lost his way in an underground passage, is trying to make the best of the situation by attempting as much as he can remember of a jovial chorus in which he had recently been joining. It occurs to me that Mr. Manns is considerably annoyed by a screen, placed between himself and the elevated Organ-man who is perched up aloft like ‘‘ the sweet little cherub who keeps watch for the life of poor Jack”—(Happy Thought—suggestion for a Kate Greenaway Fishery picture)—over the top of which appears from time to time the head of a Policeman in a helmet, reminding me of the scene in Macbeth when ‘the apparition of an armed head rises.’ t e Policeman peers about cautiously, his movements as far as I can judge from the he and shoulders, being very much like those of a Punch doll worked from below, or of one of those dummy figures employed, also behind a screen, in Lieut. Cotx’s Ventriloquial Enter- tainment. Once I think he catches Mr. Manws’ eye, and so energetic is -_ eminent —— —, _ the probability evidently occurs to the a Policeman of his catching something On the Beat, or bat vo for else—Mr. Manns’ baton—at his head, if the Conductor’s Baton. he doesn’t disappear ; and so, discretion being the better part of valour, he does disappear accordingly. He comes up again, however; only the head and shoulders, of eee but being invariably detected, and immediately baffled by Mr. Manns’ energy in any attempt at giving an entertainment on his own account (iust to lighten the Festival), he instantly makes a sort of =e getic bow towards the Conductor—who is not to be softened by this—and vanishes. : Between the parts there is a tremendous run on the buns, an teas, coffees, ont sandwiches. Waiters do marvels in the wa carrying heavily-laden trays through obstructive crowds. remember that ‘‘ Who breaks, pays,”—and I don’t hear @ —— “ When lovely woman stoops to Foli.”

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! i- to of mu al 1B at yu 8, ve 18 d Bom SE's Cuaiabaeaeoneneete OTR SENTF EA TOO TNT tom Jonze 30, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 305 anywhere. After a few refreshment-bars’ rest, the second part com- mences, and we are ‘‘all in to begin.” eo : Icome to the conclusion that the repetitions in an Oratorio are tedious. After a grand Chorus, enter on to the platform Madame Arpant. Applause from audience, chorus, and orchestra. She wears a bonnet and elegant walking dress, and has quite the surprised and pleased air of a ~.: who, happening to be passing by the rystal Palace at the moment, heard some music going on, and has just looked in to see if she could be of any use. Finding a few thousand persons here, she has kindly consented to give them a song, but steadily refuses to join in a chorus. Mr. SANTLEY uproariously greeted— that is, uproariously for a Handelian audience—sings magnificently, and then we all rise for the ‘' Hallelujah Chorus,” and, I think, most of us, carried away by the “‘ go” of it, join in festively—Handel- festively, of course—with all the old spiritual and physical fervour which Eton boys used to throw into their rendering of a popular psalm-chaunt in their College Chapel,—a custom which, as I hear, is nowadays more honoured in the breach than in the observance. Which quota- tion sounds suggestive of the punishment of Cane—I mean Swish. tho" "Hallehjuk Chorus that, Reding “ Charley is ou ing.”? e ** 1a uja - orus” at, inding : 7 Jeena myself in the train, I don’t return, but, escaping the crush, come up comfortably to Town. Glad I’ve heard it. Don’t think I shall trouble an Oratorio again. Prefer taking it in selections. But, thanks to everybody generally, and Mr. Manns particularly, it has been a big success. x THE SONG OF THE STATUE. For many long years I confess I’ve been out of it, Atop of my Arch in the smoke of the town ; . But now I’ve descended, there ’s not the least doubt of it, Twas really high time that at last I came down! nd there ’s a riot, No order nor quiet, A tangle of traffic that’s quite a disgrace! I’m not a believer, My dear SHaw-LEFEVRE, In all your arrangements at Hamilton Place! Policemen are scarce, and their movements are blunderful, And all is confusion, one hardly knows why ; The perils of passengers, frequent and wonderful, If crossing the roadway they venture to try. They get in a muddle, And stand in a puddle, They ’re vee, | frightened when drivers shout ‘‘ Hi!” nd lucky ’s the rover, x o sometimes gets over— Without a smashed hat or a shaft in his eye! See broughams and Victorias, O, it is pitiful, And horsemen jammed in as they go to the Row; And busses packed tight on their way to the City full, With pole upon panel and wheel upon woe! If you’re in a hurry, ’ It’s no use to worry And if you grow frantic, you ’ll find it in vain ; You’ve this consolation, On reaching the station, You'll find youve succeeded in missing the train ! When hopelessly blocked in the traffic vehicular, And coachmen each other begin to abuse ; And blatant ’bus-drivers are scarcely particular In choice of the language they frequently use ! When horses are sliding, : And drags are colliding, And carriages crawling at searce a foot pace— My dear SHaw-LEFEVRE, You’re scarce an achiever, Of glory and order round Hamilton Place ! ae, = How,happy could I be with one of those lovely Miss Buttocks!” ? ; “ * A her for heifer! enthusiastic juryman, “I could live happily with FASHIONABLE FIXTURES. By Dumb-Crambo Junior. One hears a good deal just now about Regi- mental Dinners. This is clearly a misno- mer, for the real Regimental Dinner is only a Kettle-drum in the Cavalry. Four in Hand Club. NnK- ff v “£ Fancy Fare. Crick-it. A Putty Good Entertainment. THE War Office Authorities propose to fire the mi oe ton guns on the turret of the Admiralty Pier at Dover on July 2nd. It is oe that the inhabitants will take a holiday and go far ome into the country on this occasion. On sh ange trains ' run to Dover laden with crates of window-glass, an army of glaziers, and casks of putty, ‘‘’Tis true, ’tis putty, putty, tis, ’tis true.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Juxz 30, 1883, ROY pe LT \ an “WWW NUR j bE hg . ue BOWLED FIRST. BALL! Algy (just home from School, and about to escort his Sister to a dance.) *‘ BY THE BYE, MoraeR, I’VE QUITE DECIDED TO GO IN FoR SANDHURST!” Mamma, “‘Tae ARMY IS SUCH A POOR LOOK-OUT, ALGY, POSE YOU SHOULD WANT TO Marky soME Day!” Algy. ‘Pooh! MARRIAGE 18 AWFOL ROT! Marry!” Sor- I sHALL NEVER Algy (next morning, after breakfast), ‘*I say, MoTHER, WHAT AN AWFULLY JOLLY GikL Miss Batzs 18! I DANOED 81X TIMES WITH HER!” Mamma. *‘ Poor Cissy Bares ! VERY BADLY OFF, I FEAR!” Algy. ‘*Look HERE, MorHER, I'VE QUITE DECIDED TO GIVE UP THE ARMY, AND GO INTO THE GOVERNOR'S BUSINESS !” Ygs—A VERY NICE GIRL, BUT THE DARING DUCKLING. Ou, where is he going, and what will he do? And will he to warning give ear and turn back ? Or will he prove deaf to the hullabaloo, And make his own choice between cackle and quack ? Cluckitty-cluck ! Audacious young duck! Is he off, prematurely, to try his own luck ? He seemed pretty docile, whilst callow, but, lo! He has fledged very fast, his wing-feathers are strong ; And look at him! Chicks are not apt to do so, True chicks that to genuine Partletts belong. Floppitty-flop ! Hi! paddler, stop! What a broad bill! What a precious plump crop! And then such an appetite! Vants,—oh! no end. A true Oliver Twist, always ‘‘ asking for more.” Not content with the food that the farmyard can lend, He is off on the forage afar from the shore. Splashitty-splash ! : Terribly rash ! Looks quite suicidal this desperate dash. A web-footed enfant terrible like him Is likely to flutter the best-managed brood ; He might cackle and strut at his pleasure, but swim ? An unnatural freak that can end in no good. Wobblety-wobble ! Oh, what a gobble! Better return, or you’ll get in a hobble. ‘ Won’t? What a wrong-headed youngster it is! Leads the old hen, oh! no end of a life. Something not right in his feathers and phiz | thers the brood, and keeps stirring up strife. Quackitty-quack |! Off! Ah, good lack, That we could stand, but—how will he come back ? A CRUEL FASHION. How is it that Fashion and Cruelty so often go hand in hand? We are not speaking of the Cruelty with which fashionable women treat themselves by screwing up their waists and displacing many of their internal organs, but of the manner in which they wear birds and the plumage of birds, and thus cause wholesale slaughter of the fairest denizens of the air. The latest horror in this way, according to a fashion article in a recent number of the Daily Telegraph, is ‘* white doves’ wings,” of which the writer says, “* Fashion has pro- duced nothing so chaste [Faugh!] for some time” : and considerately adds, that it would be better taste only to wear two or three, a8 ‘*half-a-dozen is the average number now chosen!” Wes ak of the ‘‘ gentle sex” when we mean the fairer portion of humanity, but Ladies will not deserve the epithet if they cling to these cruel fashions, and despoil the pretty doves for their adornment. A Sty Doe’s Maxim (from Toby’s collection, entitled ‘‘ Forty Winks”’).—Don’t let somebody else’s right eye know what your lett is doing. (N.B.—This may be also applied pugilistically.) Norges rroM THE Divorce Court.—(1) There are two sides to ost all questions, and there is a Burr in every case. (2) Anew moon every month. But this does not apply to Honeymoons.

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June 30, 1883.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. “MUSIC HATH CHARMS;” OR, SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT. — ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC, Ym EXALTED PATRONAGE, © HE LORD MAYOR, assisted and sup- ported by ta HE ENTIRE CORPORATION OF THE CITY OF LONDON, will give GRAND MEDLEY ENTERTAIN- MENT, introducing clog-dancing, double back somersault throwing, daring feats on the inverted trapéze, ditch-dredg- ing, the African high jump, deep-sea diving, and other miscellaneous feats of skill and strength, the whole concluding with a mid- night steeple-chase in Epping Forest, for the purpose of raising a fund to provide ‘A PERMANENT UMBRELLA-STAND for the use of Students frequenting HE ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC. Tickets, seven Guineas, five Guineas, and a few places still vacant on the Mansion House roof at £1 15s. 6d. HE MUSICAL OMNIBUS COM- PANY Limited. HE MUSICAL OMNIBUS COM- PANY. Extract from abridged Pro- spectus :—‘* This Company, formed for the purpose of supplying suitable means of communication between the outlying sub- urbs and the Royal College of Mussc, has entered into a contract with a well-known firm of mechanical piano-makers, for the construction of twenty of their new recrea- tive vehicles. As they will all at each revolution of the wheel rapidly repeat an elegant and original melody arranged for not less than three strings, and as a distin- guished European Conductor will accom- pany each journey, it is confidently believed a recourse to their use will materially stimulate the musical taste of both inside and outside passengers. N.B.—The atten- tion of investors is specially directed to the fact that as the hind wheels of the Com- pany’s Omnibuses have, with a view to the practical illustration of an occasional perfect cadence and inversion at intervals, been left urposely loose, there is every reason to lieve that when the scheme is in f operation, the annual turn-over will be con- siderable. For further particulars apply to the Secretary.” INGING IN THE EARS.—Persons desirous of contracting this elegant and melodious malady in a perfectly in- curable shape, can communicate with A. B., College Flats facing the College, where a few vacant sets of apartments may still be on early application. iw en MEDLAVAL AND ECCEN- GENUINE MINSTREL, who has _ for seventy consecutive years taken the First Prize in the Annual Harp Compe- tition at the Royal College of Music, desires an engagement in a quiet and romantic family, where the services of an aged but accomplished Bard would be considered an equate return for board, lodging, carriage exercise, and the use, if required, of a coffin. As the Advertiser, who has a long flowing I , and is of effective appear- rary will be ninety-seven on his next NB ys & speedy answer is solicited, -B.— Would be glad to hear from the Pro- Prietor of the ‘‘ Welsh Harp” at Hendon. Sina ORPHEUS HAIR-BRUSH. HE ORPHEUS HAIR-BRUSH has been specially designed for the use of bald students attending T HE ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC. HE ORPHEUS HAIR-BRUSH is com- posed of the finest selected Sebastian Bach Hairs. HE ORPHEUS HAIR-BRUSH should be used at normal intervals con fuoco. rF,HE ORPHEUS HAIR-BRUSH gives tone to the head. \YIR GEORGE GROVE says, ‘‘I like the look of it. Send one to Mac- FARREN.” Si GEORGE MACFARREN writes, ‘*The Handel is quite a Creation. Send one to Grove.” IR ARTHUR SULLIVAN has already received several anonymously in registered envelopes. HE ORPHEUS HAIR - BRUSH.— Keep ordering of your Musical Pab- lisher till you get it. ASHING WANTED.—A Graduate, who has taken high honours in Harmony at the Royal College of Music, having, owing to the unexpected return of an Oratorio, several suspended chords in his back-garden for which he has no further use, will be happy to make arrangements with families for taking in their washing.— Address, B. Prerr, Mus. Doc., Nightingale Lane, E O THE INFIRM AND AGED.—A Powerful and acccomplished kettle- drum player omg -Club Student, Chinese-Gong Medallist, First-class Prize- man in Strepitibus Inhumantoribus, Mus. B. & S. of Oxford and ae is desirous of meeting with an aged couple a little hard of hearing, to whose declining years his constant performance on two full-sized Bavarian kettle-drums might prove an agreeable and stimulating solace. Can do thunder-salvos, double-side tattoo, the Styrian surprise, flog-beating, and give a capital imitation of the Storming of Ran- goon. Open to any offer. Would not object to taking turns with a fog-signal on a Channel steamer.— By letter, X., Post Office, Deafenham. TZ OOLOGICAL AND URGENT. — An ‘4 Indian Rajah anxious, in response to the appeal of a distinguished personage, to assist the Royal College of Music, has, through a mistaken translation of the list of wind instruments, presented it with a large consignment of full-grown Cobras. As the Secretary is greatly hampered by the presence of these fine but deadly creatures, who are now loose in the dormitory, and greatly excited by the practice of the Violoncello Class, he will be happy to part with them on easy terms for the purpose of founding a Scholarship on the proceeds. USICAL PITCH.—A large Surplus Stock of this useful commodity now on hand, and to be disposed of at less than cost-price. As the Pitch is in very fine condition, Amateur Yachtsmen who have been hitherto unable to go to C comfortably, should order without delay. Apply, en- eons remittance, to the Secretary, as above. HE ROYAL COLLEGE OF i ALE. — 2 ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC ALE is a fine diatonic beverage. HE ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC ALE is much stronger than Treble X. HE ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC 4 ALE is far superior to Double Bass. HE ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC P. ALE is more sparkling than Monday + op. : HE ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC ALE can be had in barrel organs. HE ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC -t _ALE may be ordered in octaves. __ HE ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC A ALE is supplied in reputed counter- a ae eee eee i i LANCET says, ‘‘ We have tested the Royal College of Music Ale, and for dancing purposes consider it equal to Hop Bitters.’ ee oe IR JULIUS BENEDICT writes, ‘*‘I prefer it to Meyer-beer.” pas “ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC RADUATES IN DIFFICULTIES from having been unable to dispose of their own musical compositions, can by applying to Mr. F. Sharp, be assisted in effecting one on easy and harmonious terms with their creditors, as above.—Ledger Line Row, E.C. HY NOT HAVE A MUSICAL FUNERAL? Anyone sending three postage stamps to ‘‘ Mazsroso, care of the Secretary, at the College,” will receive by return an exhaustive pamphlet satisfac- torily answering this trite and cheerful little question. AUTION TO TRAVELLING FEL- LOWS. The Peninsular and Oriental, Orient, White Star, and National Ocean Steamer Companies, give notice that on and after the First of next month they decline to carry in any part of their vessels, under any pretence whatever, holders of Travelling Fellowships of the Royal College of Music, without rea yap undertaking that they bring with them no ophicleide, bassoon, double bass, piccolo, triangle, cymbals, side- drum, trombone, or other dangerous instru- ment, and are willing, if desirous of prac- tising their scales at sea, to be let down into the hold with sealed hatchways. A RURAL DEAN ina large and popu- lous neighbourhood, to whom it has been intimated that an exalted Royal per- sonage would be gratified by his making some special effort to raise funds for the Royal College of Music, will, on the termi- nation of the Evening Service on Wednes- day next, endeavour to stand on his head in his own pulpit. Asitis his first essay at any feat of the kind, it is confidently hoped that the attendance will be proportionately large, and that his parishioners will con- tribute to the Offertory on the occasion, which will be devoted solely to the estab- lishment of a Triangle Scholarship, tenable for life. Farther particulars will be announced shortly. BSS 30 BROKEN-DOWN QUEEN’S COUNSEL, requiring immediately a few Bars’ rest, will glad to hear from the Secretary, 944, Lower Serjeants’ Inn.

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310 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —$—$— [Jone 30, 1883, CLERICAL DISCRETION. On the tof ‘* the ee nents of the Deceased Wife’s Sister Bill,” a morning paper declares that ‘‘ they have great reason to complain of the trick which has been played them by its promoters.” That trick, so called, is simply the intro- duction into the Bill in Com- mittee of a clause enabling (not compelling) Clergymen to solemnise the marriages which the Bill sanctions in churches. What is the objection to this most fair and equitable pro- vision? That ‘it will throw | on every parson who may ob- ject to officiate, the onus of justifying himself in not doing that which an Act of Parlia- ment says may lawfully be done.” But how much can that onus weigh? His justi- fication will be that the law allows him to officiate or refuse, as he thinks right. The clause complained of is a conscience clause for him, and surely the onus it imposes on him is not an ounce—indeed, is less heavy than a scruple, or even than a grain. Besides, what is the permission of Clergymen to celebrate the marriages which an Act of Parliament appoints Regis- trars to effect, but a just allow- ance of the liberty to use their own discretion, if they have any, as we very many of them will be found to have, with respect to a ministration which they conscientiously account not only lawful but right? In fact, it is a sort of Parliamentary Dispensation Clause. REeapDiIne the Cornhill Magazine is taking real plea- sure with a great deal of Payn. PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.—No. 142. % y XK ; Ores ~) WAS prwen 242 18084, asa My. \ \MWZ 4 os ae LORD EDMOND FITZMAURICE, A Foreien Orrick Unper Skcrerary-Bikp aT QUESTION TiME. THE TOOLE BIRTHDAY BOOK. An Irving Birthday Book has just been published by Messrs. ROUTLEDGE AND Sons, Its immediate success justifies the compilation of the Toole Birthday-Book, dedicated to the hero of The Birthday of Podgers, unique farce, in one Act, by JoHn HoLiinesnrap, We are enabled to give the following extracts :— For every Day inthe Year, —‘*I’m a working man, and I’ve only a hour to get my dinner.” —Podgers. Excursion in August.—"] like to go as near Nature as I can for sixpence.’’—Cule) Plummer. Fireside Amusements in November. — “‘I’ll have a game of Bolo and Kachorka.” —Artful Cards. December. — “* Still I am not happy ’—(but when not * still,” I am).— Aladdin. Masher’ s Motto when offered a Glass of Port.—* Not before ‘the Boy.’ ’—Aladdin. ** Excuse my glove.”—Spi- talfields Weaver. For Tennyson’s Birthday, —'*Give it to the Bard.”— Chawles. A North-East Wind in March.—‘ It does make me so wild.”’—Steeple-chase. Wedding Day Anniversary. —*T married a girl from Warsaw, and she became warsaw and warsaw.”’—Stage- Dora. ae entairen, — ‘He never could catch the Speaker's eye.” — Guffin. Domesticity.—‘' He always came home to tea.” adams ae eee) i /./) A Uigaaaae \y Jt. ~L/ DoLnEss ON THE §ST0CK Excuance.—Old Joes quoted at a discount. A PLAYFAIR TO THE RESCUE. Ir there is one scientific fact more certain than another, one that has been proved beyond the reach of cavil or controversy, it is the efficacy of Vaccination as a preventive of small-pox. Thus, when Mr. Perse TayLor got up in the House of Commons, one day last week, and said that there was a mass of testimony to show that Vaccination was a failure, he stated that which was not the fact. And when he added that small-pox had increased since Vaccination had been compulsory, he said, with all due respect to the Honourable Member, that which was not true. We are not sorry, however, that these monstrous mis-statements were made, for it gave Sir Lyon PxLayFarIR an opportunity of drawing his lancet, so to speak, and smiting Messrs. Taytor and Hopwoop hip and thigh. A man, as he said, had a perfect right to procure for himself an attack of small- pox, if he lived entirely isolated ; but he had no such right, if he was a member of a community, to make himself, either in person or by deputy, a focus of contagion. Well might Sir Coartes Dike say that, after the speeches of the Anti-Vaccination fanatics, his own feeling was one of astonishment that, having been frequently vaccinated, he was still alive; and the House showed its full agreement with Sir Lyon Piayrarr, for only sixteen Members sided with Mr. TayLon—crotchetty Radicals most of them like Mr. CowEn, for example, who belongs to one party and always votes with the other. The large maiority of 270 has, it is to be poped, settled the question for the present generation at all events, and the terrible scourge of small-pox will still continue to be suc- cessfully combated by the immortal discovery of JenNER—one of the greatest gifts bestowed by Providence upon suffering humanity. SONGS OF THE STREETS. THE POLITE POLICEMAN AT HAMILTON PLACE. (Sings.) Waar will you do, Ma’am, when you are going— With smart dress flowing—towards the Row? What will you do, Ma’am, with all the hurry, The crush and worry ?—I don’t quite know ! When people scurry, and cabs advancing, With horses prancing their course pursue ; R Don’t take alarm, Ma’am; you’ll take no harm, Ma’am; But take my arm, Ma’am—I’ll see you through ! What will you do, Ma’am, when Hansoms clatter, And panels shatter, and drivers swear? What will you do, Ma’am, with horses sliding, And drags colliding ?—You ’re in despair ! But gently chiding, with voice a. I stop the traffic, at once for you So come, you see, Ma’am, in charge of me, Ma’am. I want no fee, Ma’am—I’1l see you through ! A Reat Harpy Tuovent.—Mr. Jonn THomas’s—the oor Concert, with an Orchestra of Harps. What an entertainment! of the cn Harp” at Hendon, if he had only happened to think it at the time. — | @@ TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless socompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS, should be kept by the Senders.

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——— Jun 30, 1883.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

rey : Acapemy Guy’d (The), 244 Additional Verse to an Old Song, 145 Adjutant’s Hoss Again ! (The), 290 Advertising Suggestion (An), 81 Affirmation Debate in a Nutshell (The), 226 After the Private View, 217 Amateur Actors off the Line, 117 Amateur Play-bill (An), 217 Apvnexation made Easy, 207 Another Lit'le Holiday. 92 Anson Apology (An), 277 Ap-py Thougbt, 168 Arriving at Amateurity, 193 ’Arry on his Critics and Champions, 1£0 Art too much at Home, 52 At Pow Street, 201 Attractive Bait at the International Fisheries, 238 Avis in Terris, 96 Baby in the Train (The), 1£3 Buck to the Play, 48 Bank Notes, 98 Beautiful Danube (The), 90 “ Bel's” (The), 252 Biographical Bogie (The), 12 Blessings of the Budget, 192 -School Accomplishment (A), 156 Bobs and Badges, 41 Boiling Pot (The), 149 Bold Roman Hand (A), 242 Bombastes Bobadil at Home, 184 Bound for Moscow, 243 Bracing Atmospbere (A), 240 British M.P. (The), 141 Broken Reid (A), 173 Bumble and the Troglodyte, 119 Bumbledom Again, 73 “ Bumbledom Again ”’—once more, 86 Bumper at Parting (A), 298 Bumptious Boy (The), 174 CackLE, 147 “*Caste” in our Eye (A), 100 Cast-Iron Editor (A), 191 Cave Felem ! 174 Charitable Thought-Reader (A), 3(0 Charity Balls and Concerts, 5 Cheek and Colour, :05 Chess ; or, All on the Square, 228 Children’s Fancy Cotton Drees Ball at the Mansion House (The), 14 City Intelligence, 270 City of Dreadful Dirt (The), 8 a the Way! 294 ioquy on Army Economy, 173 Colomba, &c., 96 “ Coming Ribbon (The), 185 panion to the Weather Forecasts, 23 Complete Letter-Writer on the Nile, 233 pirators’ Chorus (The), 219 tions and Quittances, ¥7 Correct Chord (The), 118 Corrupt Practices,” 297 Crinolette, 158 Cruel Fashion (A), 806 Cry from the Shop ! (A), 257 Darino Duckling (The), 506 prouration and "Davy, 202 ry of the Premier Abroad, §4 Dicky-Birds at Dinner, 286 ary oO! m0. ws Dies Non, 7 mon Wants” (A), 27 Discretion and Valour, 286 G@eeeeeen TF vas

4 \ LY), 1} ; / Dishclaimer (A), 10 ** Distribution,” 150 Dix’s Land, 149 Diz-tinction (A), 142 Doctor’s Dream (The). 36 Doing the Grand ! 1&3 ** Doubtful,” 210 Dowager Duchess's Caprice (The), 168 Dramatic Notes, 217 Dramatic Tonic (A), 78 Drury Lane and Elsewhere, 4 Dutcbman’s Big Dog (The', 157 Duties to Dumb Animals, 226 Duty on Doctors (A), 206 Easter Holiday in Paris (An), 156 Easter Revit w (Ap), 138 Echo on the situation, 11 Empire in Danger Again (The), 129 Encore Verse (An), +8 Enraged Musician (The), 258 Epitapb by a Fellow, 39 Epsom Epigrams, 249 Esmeralda, 177 Essence of Parliament, 75, 87, 102, &c. Exp-lied Pretenders, 51 Extraordinary Play-Bill (An), 195 Fancy at the great Fish Show, 237 Fancy Dress Ball at the Mansion House, 41 Farewell to the “‘ Festive Season,” 14 Fedora on the ** Tappy,” 282 Festive Sale (A). 274 Fisheries Exhibition (The), 202 Flora’s Protest, 214 Flotow, 61 Fog on the Brain, 11 Foiled ! &., 124 Foolish Forty, 25 Fuootman’s Grievance (A), 204 For Joe! 198 Forlorn Hope (A), 96 For Royal Musical Collegians, 185 “‘ Frater Alfred atque Vale ” 1:0 Free Trade for Farmers, 204 French Andromeda (The), 66 Friend John, 282 Gatety Gossip, 28 Gaiety Novice :The), 70 Gambetta and Chanzy—Statesman and Soldier, 18 Gammon of Bacon, &3 Getting Out of a Scrape, 36 Ghosts’ Benevolent Association (The), 25 Ghoulish Railway (The), 189 Glad New Year (A). 10 Gleanivgs from the Papers, 238 Golden Words from a Man of Metal, 221 Good Fairy Competition (The), 2 Good ** Impulse” (A), 136 Good New Times (The), 166 Grand Opening of the New Piccadilly Water-works, 216 Gustave Doré, 52 Hatr-Seas Under, 214 Handbovk of Knowledge (A), 180, 227, 277 Handel Festival, 278 “Happy Family ” (The), 153 **Happy Hydropot ” (The), $7 Harcuurt's “* Rapid Act,” 186 Harlequin Sacred Jackass, 257 Harvest of the Sea (The), 284 Hat that Braved (The), 84 Heard on the Hill, 252

“i ; we ) < AG a ASFA . vy y Ned ”" wy . Ss ” KEK’ ee EN NA LNs | |

~~e 7, a ‘** Hidden Hand” (The), 102 | Hints from the Hindoo, 45 His First Budget, 158 His Own Prescription, 30 History of the Next War (The’, 262 Holiday Haunts, 252 Holiday Plots, 250 Home Comforts, 159 Home-truths from Abroad, 169 Honcurs Undivided, 63 Hope for All, i91 How Bull-Apis went up against Tel-el- Kebir, 53 Howl from the Hansom (A), 59 How to Amuse the Children, 17 Hygiea Victrix, 72 Hysterical Religion, 18 Inpustriovs and Idle Warriors (The), 142 In Earnest, 190 In my Easy Chair, 63 Interesting Discovery, 111 In the North Countree, 154 Invalid’s Notes (An), 39 I Puritani, 289 Irish Ideas, 113 Italiano in Covent Garden, 189 JEREMIAD (A), 96 John Brown, 168 Jobn Richard Green, 129 Jobn to John, 45 Jolly Young Rifleman (The), 135 Justice Out in the Cold, 72 Justice to the Doctors, 282 Kueprve's Pocket-Book (The), 182 King Mob, )70 ‘Knights at the Play,” 162 Know ye the Land? 88 La! Gioconda ! 280 Lakes and Locomotives, 96 Law and Equity under one Roof, 118 Lawn-Tennis in Winter, 58 Law v. Honey, 213 Lay of Modern Russia (A), 257 Lay of the Armed Burglar (The), 33 Lay of the Ichthyophagist (The), 42 Lays of a Lazy Minstrel, 278, 290 Le Chemin du Parody pour Toole Monde, 273 Legal Delights, 85 “Les Malades Malgré Eux,” 46 Letter to the Editor, 51, 99 Lillyput Lyrist (A), 293 Little Abroad (A), 64 Little Sarah and her Youthful Sallies, 1€9 Little too Late (A), 130 Local Option, 226 ** Look at the Clock !” 222 Lord Mayor's Nest (A), 138 Love and Law, 125 Mactoc Spectacles (The), 265 Magnate and the Silver Streak (The), 1(6 Making a Mountain of Monte Carlo, 180 Making of a Magazine (The), 141 March Madrigal (A), 180 Married Woman’s Property Act (The), 21 May-Day, 229 Mayor's Nest (The), 146 Medals and Mufti, 168 Mems. of a Distinguished Amateur, 1 Midwinter Annuals, 9 Ministerial Statement (A), 106 Ministry and the Mint (The), 265 Mistaken Impressions, 208

Modern Goths (The), 28 Modern King Pest (The), 18 Modest Spread-Eagle (The), 142 Molly-Coddling Legislation, 133 More Light! 47 More Remarkable Statements, 197 More Wax than Honey, 194 Mr. Greenhorn’s Experiences, 155 Mr. Punch’s Metropolitan Improvement Acts, 267 Mrs. Gamp on the “ Royal Red Cross,” 229 Mrs. Genius, 178 Musical Note, 219 ** Music hath Charms,” 809 Musician of the Future (The), 228 My Derby Day, 264 My Kate, 218 Mystic Rite (A), 66 My Telescope, 36 My Unearned In-crement, 262 Name! Name! 113 Napoléon pour Rire ! 42 Neglected Musical Instruments, 120 New Baronet (The), 238 New Colour for the Army (The), 161 New Departure in Criticism (The), 22 New Lamps for Old, 145 New Passenger (The), 6 New Piccadilly Waterworks, 198 New Theatrical Regulation Bill (A), 215 New’ Trial (A), 34 New Version, 263 New “Whip” (A), 114 Night of Waterloo (Place) (The), 226 No Ball! 287 Noctes Ambrosians, 229 Not Dead yet! 51 “ Note of Busy Preparation ” (The), $2 Notes at Commemoration, 298 Notes by Pleasman X. at Cumberlaid Gate, 254 Notes from a Whistler, 133 Notes from the Diary of a City Waiter, 199 Notions for the New Year, 10 Novelty (A), 73 Nursery Rhyme (A), 142 ODE to Sprivg, 206 Official Answer (An), 276 * Of what is the Old Man thinking?” 291 Old “‘ Stroke ” (The), 114 On a Certain Debate, 213 On a Drag, 269 On the Highest Authority, 33 On the Trail. 20 Opening of the New Fish-Market, 230 **O Tempora !” 243 Our Academy Guide, 220, 237 Our Advertisers, 57 Our Agreeable Birthday-Book Series, 9, 49, 9 Our Dark Blue Line, 186 Our Future Lord Mayor, 121 Our Glut of Great Men, 29 Our Music of the Future, 122 Our Offishial Guide, 242, 2:6, 274 &o Our Opening Day, $1 Uur Plea for Open Spices, 2¢6 PaInFuL Dentistiy, 24 Pair of Spectacles and Different Sights, (A), 16 Passenger-Duties, 185 Pen and the Petticoat (The), 129 Pigeon-English, 182

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312 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —— [June 30, 1883, Plaint of the Plumber and Builder(The), 27 Playbill of the Future (The), 288 Playfair to the Rescue (A), 810 « Play’s the Thing” (The), 86 Plimsoll’s Pzean, 159 Plimsoll’s Petition, 166 Plon-Plon in Chains, 37 Plon-Plon in England, &9 Poetical Licences, 76 Poetry and Pathology, 249 — of the Scottish Peerage, 118 Poor Duke (The), 74 Popular Superstitions Explained, 110 Prattle from the Provinces, 120 Preparations for the Academy Banquet, 205 Primrose Day, 202 Princes and the Fishmongers, 251 Private and Confidential, 110 Private Bills and Projects, 53 Proclamation (A), 47 Programme and Progress. 113 Prosecuting—a Search, 192 Psalm of Death (The), 39 Question of Colour (A), 274 Question of Wind (A), 143 Rare Artistic Opportunity, 96 Rather Crafty, 190 Rather Irregular, 210 Rational Dress Show (The), 254 Ready! 62 Real Domestic Bliss, 29 Real Easter Holiday (A), 157 Reckless Writing and Careless Puffing, 125 “ Regular Owd an’ Owd ’Un” (A), 168 Reports of Our Own City Commissioner, 17 Research with Humanity, 228 Reynard’s Diary for 1893, 129 **Richardson’s” Revived, 137 Richard Wagner, 92 Robert’s Christmas Story, 12 “ Robert” Interviewed, 108 Romance of Journalism (The), 33 Rough and the Rail (The), 126 Round about the City Courts, 58 Round about the Law Courts, 40 Round of Amusements (A), 181 Royal Society of Painters in Water- Colours (The), 213 SacE Green, 156 Sarah's Sale, 84 Sauce for the Goose and the Gander, 34 Scene in the Court of Queen’s Bench, 264 School-Board (The), 282 “ Scratched !” 270 “‘Seasonable Weather,” 22 Sensible Advice, 250 Shakspearian Meditation (A), 131 Short Commons, 42 Show Sunday, &c., 178 Shy at the Sticks (A), 249 — of the Season, 250 “ Silver Streak” (The), 216 “* Silver Thames ” (The), 70, 137 Silver Wedding (The), 107 Sixpenny “‘ Wire” (The), 161 Social Revolution (The), 34 Society Dramatist (The), 160 Solitary Weeper (The), 61 Bome Day, 198 So Much Improved ! 241 Song of a Centre, 154 Song of Sixpence (A), 286 Song of South London (A), 73 Song of the Sheep-Farmer (The), 85 Song of the Statue (The), 305 Songs of the Streets, 310 Sortes Derbyanew, 250 Sportsman on Rational Dress (A), 267 Sportsman’s Exhibition (The), 65 ** Spring’s Delights,” 202 ** Starving Doctor” (A), 122 Stave for Easter Monday, 142 **8tay” Not! 73 Step by Step, 61 Stray Sunbeams, 194 8t. oe Ferry, 162 “Supply,” 193 Tae of Troy (The), 276 Teaching the Young Idea, 69 Telegram, 288 That Dreadful Doctor! 261 That Kirby Green! 96 That Three Ha’pence! 173 Theatre of the Future (The), 183 Theatre Royal, Westminster, 109 “‘ Thin Red Line” (The), 179 Three Fishmongers, 249 Threefold Security, 142 Thoughts on the New Primate, 11 “*Tiddy fol lol!" 255 To Aquarius, 99 To “ Hubert” from Toby, 147 Toilers and Spinners, 178 To Lord Coleridge, 262 Tokens Up There! 59 Toole Birthday Book (The), 310 Trial by Judge, 3 Trying it on, 239 7 Turn at the Handel (A), 394 Two Hundred (The), 190 Two Lights, 153 Two Queens of Beauty, 50 Two Roses (The), 154 ‘* Two to One on the Field !” 214 UnuapPpy by Act of Parliament, 276 Unrequited Advance, 186 Up a Family Tree! 6 ** Uprouse ye, then, my Merry Men,” 26 VeneTIiAN Dinner Song (A), 148 Ventilating Questions, 97 Venus and Mars, 238 Very Private View of the Grosvenor (A), 213 Viceroy for Africa (A), 264 Vindicating the Law, 48 Wait from the City (The), 86 Waiting an Answer, 76 Wanted, a Test Act? 202 Wanted, a Water-League, 85 Wants to Know, 130 *Ware Heroes! 292 ‘*Warham Corner” in the Strand (A), 293 Watt’s This? 166 Way the Money Goes (The), 155 What shall We do with it? 117 What They will Come to, 180 “ What will he Do with him?” 76 “* Where are the Police?” 174 Whistler in Venice, 107 Whitey-Browniug Society (The), 192 Why Brighton is Chosen for the Easter Review, 70 Will and the Way (A), 161 William Chambers, 255 Will it all End in Smoke? 107 Witty Magee, 235 Word for the Doctors (A), 170 Word in the Season to the New Piccadilly Water-colour Works (A), 298 Word with Bismarck (A), 25 LARGE ENGRAVINGS. Bumptiovus Boy (The), 175 ** By your ve!” 295 Daring Duckling (The), 307 “Doubtful,” 211 Dream of the Future (A), 199 Easter Review (An), 139 Exit Caliban, 223 French Andromeda (The), 67 Harvest of the Sea (The), 235 “Hidden Hand” (The), 103 His Own Prescription, 31 Momentous Question (A), 259 Napoléon pour Rire, 43 New Passenger (The), 7 Old ‘** Stroke” (The), 115 On the Trail, 91 Our a Day, 78, 79 Our “‘ Vigilance Committee,” 55 ** Police Intelligence.” 187 Republic is—Peace (The), 19 Rough and the Rail (The), 127 ** Scratched! ” 271 Shy at the Sticks (A), 246, 247 Silver Wedding (A), 283 Spoiling the Spoilers, 151 St. Stephen's Ferry, 163 SMALL ENGRAVINGS. Acapemy Sketches, 220, 237, 244 Agriculture on the Floods, 94 Alfred Austin, Esq., 107 Algernon Bertram Mitford, C.B., 59 Amateur Painter in Water-Colours, 174 Aphrodite and Alexandra, 50 Aristocratic Amateur and Provincial Manager, 222 Aristocratic Amateur’s Experience, 290 Aristocratic Banner-Bearer (An), 243 Artist who Sold his Picture (The), 217 Ascot Sketches, 276 Barber’s Opinion of a Crack Regiment, 159 Battle of Waterloo Station (The), 303 Big Dog that likes Bones (A), 66 Binks’s Black Gloves, 229 Bishop and the little Yankee, 51 Boat-race Sketches, 132 “ Bronzes” and ‘‘ Bluenettee,” 83 Butler and Oil-Painter, 179 Cabby and the Blue Ribbon, 13 Cabinet of ‘‘ Bric-bats”’ (A), 131 Carrier and Artist's Picture, 167 Cetewayo as Paul Pry, 15 Chief-Superiutendent Willi , 190 Childers returns Three-halfpence, 171 Conscience-stricken Elder (A), 239 Cricket Prospects, 288 Crowd at Hamilton Place (A), 292 Cruise of the Crews, 101 Cuckoo without the Clock (A), 157 Dancing Lady's Indifferent Partner, 186 Daughter or Grandmother? 99 Design for New Wall Paper, 261 Difference between Printing and Pub- lishing, 71 Dr. Andrew Clarke, 34 Drop of Essence (A), 75 Dr. Richardson retorting, 86 Ducal Lord Mayor (A). 82 Effie and her Nurserymaid, 100 Egyptian Staff v. Crutches, 45 England's Invisible Army, 161 Equestrian in Vehicular Throng, 215 Euclid’s Trustworthiuess, 207 Fashionable Fixtures, 305 Fisheries Exhibition (The), 189 Fond Mother and Good Son (A), 150 Francis Knollys, Esq., C.B., 22 Frank Holl, Esq., R.A., 166 French Washerwomen and Gladstone’s Collars, 79 George returns home tipsy, 95 German Lady on English Complexions, 162 Gladstone and Northcote at Monaco, 46 Going to book Places for a Play, 275 Grandmamma’s “‘ Miserable Table,” 119 Grand Old Giant (The), 29 Grigsby as a Wine-Merchant, 219 Grosvenor Gallery Gems, 253, 297 Hairdresser’s Waterpipes (The), 230 Hartington dyeing Army Uniforms, 158 Hats in the House of Commons, 165 Impressionist Pictures, 208 Inebriate’s Opinion on Whiskey, 242 Invitations to Dances, 85 Irish Car-Driver’s Thin Horse, 23 Irish Officer and the Late Train, 35 James Nasmyth, 39 James Staats Forbes, Esq., 73 John Moriey, Esq., M.P., 154 Jolly Jobn Bright’s Song, 98 Jones's Compliment to Mrs. Quiverful, 54 Judkins’s Fresh Horse, 25 Juvenile Sketches from Royal Academy, 285 Ladies retiring from Dinivg-Room, 30 Lady and Scientific Young Man, 256 Lady Midas and the Railway Train, 102 Lady’s Ideas on Foxhunting (A), 155 Lay Figure in Amateur’s Pictura, 133 Leaning against a Soft Head, 106 Lewis and the Public Prosecutor, 182 Lieut.-Colonel James R. Farquharson, 70 Life-boat Man (The), 62 Little Ducks, 29 Lively End of Dinner-Table (The), 282 Lives of Plutarch (The), 93 Living in a Menagerie, 135 Long Parliamentarians and Short Com- mons, 203 Lord Edmond Fitzmaurice. 307 Lord Henry Lennox, M.P., 178 Lord Lansdowne, 262 Lord Wolseley and Sir F. Roberts, 255 Mamma and Athletic Daughters, 234 Mamma’s Opinion of Euclid, 3 Marlborough Street and Bow Street, 122 “‘Masher’s” reason for coming Home late, 14 Maud’s Account of the Play, 74 Mayor's Nest (The), 146 Miss Masham objects to Blue Ribbon, 2 Miss Robinson meets Lady Friend, 254 Mr. Brown Seeking his Own House, 299 Mr. Justice Chitty, 130 Mr. Justice Field, 118 Mrs. Brown’s badly-made Dress, 263 Mrs. Smith leaving Jones’s Party, 114 owe os ** Mixing” iu Society, 169 Musical College Nursery Rbyme, 69 Musical Notes, 193 Northampton Valentine (The), 82 Old Gent and Female Cadger, 287 Old Gent and Income-tax, 156 Old Lady and Briefless Barrister, 52 Opening of the New Law Courts, 26 Orleanist Princes’ Dismissal (The), 111 Oxbridge Coxswain and Dancing Lady,126 Painting Dukes and Duchesses, 183 Pantomime of the Future (The), 21 Paris v. Maidstone, 63 ——e and Theatrical Celebrities, 4 Parliamentary Chess-Board, 87 Paying the Cook’s Fare, 206 Peculiarity of the Tortoise, 81 Photographing a Poultry-Dealer, 6 Piscator hooks a Frying-Pan, 58 Plays upon Plays, 300 Policeman and Armed Burglar, 96 Preparing Pupils for Confirmation, 277 Prince George of Wales, 298 Prince of Wales playing to Fishes, 231 Prodigal Son and Stern Father, 278 Prospects of the Brighton Beview, 113, 137 Punch, Gladstone’s Thought-Reader, 291 Punch’s Premier Puzzle, 60 Queen of Hearts and the Ace, 117 Reading Snuggery (A), 11 Reading the Belt Case, 47 Reading the Lancet, 42 Reason for not being Blackballed, 302 Reasons for a Bottle of ‘‘ Piper,’’ 194 Recruit Describing his Brigade, 289 Rector’s Wife and Greengrocer, 172 Red Nose and E:st Wind, 141 Rejected Suitor (A), 37 Result of Algy’s First Ball, 806 Returning Love-Letters, 251 Right Rev. Edward White Benson, 10 “* Robert” and the Yankee, 108 Rosebery Jockey thrown (The), 279 Royal Academy Maypole Dance, 218 Seuding and Accepting [nvitations, 210 Shakspearian Commentators, 84 Shaving Up or Down? 147 Shelley Birthday-Book (A), 27 Shooting at Terra-votta Plates, 89 Sir Archibald Levin Smith, 274 Sir George B. Airy, 214 Sir Gorgius Midas in the Chair, 198 Sir Gorgius’s Display of Plate, 90 Sir James T. Ingham, 226 Sir R. Cunliffe Owen, 286 Sir Spencer Wells, Bart., 238 Sir Watkin Williams-Wynn, 202 Sketches from ‘‘ Boz,” 160, 300 Snobley and American Belle, 265 Specimens of Marriageable Men, 258 Spill in Mud-Salad Market, 281 Spring and the City Children, 266 Spring Cleaning (A), 1¥1 Steam Demon (The), 134 Stock Exchange Joke (A), 109 Straits of Macassar (The), 170 Sunday or Wednesday ? 195 Titled Actors in Green-room, 270 Todeson Carries a Countess’s Luggage, 294 Tommy’s Talk with the French Cook, 18 Treading on a Lady’s Foot, 219 Triumph of Sir Pigeon! 123 Twelfth-Night Characters, 2 Two Men met on Academy Stairs, 227 Turf Guy'd (The), 241 Universities’ Boat-race (The), 121 Vaccinated Lady-Love (A), 110 Vehicular Block near Marble Arcb, 267 Viscount Ranelagh and Baron Jones, 142 Wagstaff's Creditors, 61 Wedding Dinner Failure (A), 88 Westminster Waxworks (The), 268, 20 Why little Ida didn’t Laugh, 129 Why the Scullery wasn’t White- washed, 33 Why Tommy hadn’t Washed, 143 Wiuner of the Derby (The), 250 .: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & cO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS,

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