Punch 1880: Vol 78

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AN az “ , LONDON : PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 1880,

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LONDON > BRaDe RY, aGrew, & Cv., PRINTERS, WHITEFRI« Ra.

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ee Jury 3, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. iil w/t SCENE—The Thames out Henley way. Mr. Puncu discovered lazily lolling in a Skiff moored among the reeds. Tony dutifully imitating his Master in uncompromising dolce far niente. To them enter hastily, and fresh from London, the Frnst Lorp of the TREASURY. Premier. Ah! found you at last, my dear Punca! Whoof! I wired you. Why didn’t you answer? Punch. Telegrams never come here, where I loll, like the mighty God Pan, 8:r, “ Down in the reeds by the river.” Premier. Advice, many-counselled ULysses—— Punch (yawning). Rather not turn on that tap in a Lotos-land lovely as this is. Still if it must be, it must. Only first try another potation. [Passes tankard. Premier. Thanks! I must catch the next train up to London; and so—— Punch. Botheration ! No House to-night! Take it easy! Premier. You ‘re lazy,—yet cute as a Q.C. I've run down to seek your advice ; I am sure you will give it in nuce. Punch. Palaver in June—on the river! By Phoebus, the thing lacks congruity ! Premier. Sir, in evading the point, you ‘re displaying a Turk’s ingenuity. Punch. Terrible wriggler, the Ottoman ; many more shifts than old Merlin. Wonder if joint-stock coercion will bring him to book now at Berlin ? Premier. That is just one of the points that I wanted Punch. By Jove, look at Topsy! A Tidy cool hand is that tyke ; he will never invite hydrophobia. Twig him there stretched on his back! ‘Tis a capital antiphlogistic. Premier. Yes, but the Porte—— ’ Punch. A propos, try the Claret Cup. Dreamily mystic That haze on the——dickens, man! don't jump like that! This is not a Dutch lugger. Seen Anne-Mie, by the way ? Premier. No. Punch. I'll just shift this cushion. That’s snugger! BerrsMan 's not bad, I assure you. Premier. Well—passing such topics extraneous— | What do you think of our Note ? Punch. The identic and—hum—simultaneous ?

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————_——__— _ ——_ ee a ————— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Juny 3, 1880. Hope it may prove the right key-note of Harmony. Ah! if the Powers Their Plenipos mustered down here, 'midst the reeds and forget-me-not flowers, I 'd settle the “ three points” like winking. Premier. Well, first for the Turco-Greek frontier—— Punch. This is not the “ Answértige Amt.” Better far in a skiff or a punt here, To—ah ! what a glorious sunset! By Phebus, it’s really magnificent ! Premier. Poxcn, if I but had my will Punch. I much fear I should be in a jiffy sent Straight to that dull Wilhelmstrasse,—in June! My objection ’s emphatic. Much nicer to watch my float bobbing than listen to jaw diplomatic. Premier (glumly). Your counsel is commonly ready, but Punch (reassuringly). Pshaw! my sweet Wituram, don’t hurry ! And when did your Puxcutus fail you? What is it? Premier (deprecatingly). I fear I’m a worry. But as to Coercion—Obstruction—Rad Hobbies—bad Ottoman habits— Sm Barrie and Braptavcu—Sceotch bigots—hot Harcourt—the Hares and the Rabbits— That task for a modern God Terminus, Thessaly way—and those Tories, Who swear in one breath we ‘re both stealing and turning our backs on their glories, — Why really, my cool-puffing Puxcu, there are so many points, that—— Punch. No doubt of it. A pretty tight fit, Sir, all round ; but, my Witt1am, you know the way out of it. Principle, patience, and pluck. Oh come, come, my stout veteran, verily, Spite of your seventy summers, you seem to have started right merrily. Peg away. Puzzled? Pooh! pooh !—you ’re so modest. Premier. Of course your approval, In principle, lightens the load, but ‘twould hasten the burden’s removal If hints as to details—— Punch (rousing himself), Here goes then! A batch of new brooms, you 're expected To sweep very clean, and already a good deal of dirt you ‘ve detected ; But would you the Padishah squeeze without putting the Powers at jangles— Get Tory intrigue out of hobbles, and Tory finance out of tangles— And scumfish the hosts of O'Donxext, and drive half the crotchets to Sheitan, And—do all the other stiff jobs that the Pigmies expect from a Titan— You may, it is true, need a “tip” or two. Take them, in bulk and in brightness, Sweetness and Light quintessentialised, Art without queerness or “ quite-ness,” Portable pithy omniscience, encyclopedian wisdom, Smartness unspoiled by the taint of the Cockney Cad’s realm of Cheap Fizz-dom ; Statesmanship’s true Vade Mecum, Time's chronicle wrought with conciseness, And writ in @ manner most trenchant, a style that, for terseness and niceness, Would take the shine out of Tnucyprpes, stump smart Macau.ay, or bowl Humz,— Take—need I mention the Masterpiece ?—take Punca’s a Sebentp-Cighth Volume!

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Januaky 10, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. I" | } Wi “Y € aaasasract h SD | . ae TH . 1 t' ( “38 | SIR HENRY’S CHOLER UP AT LAST! Tur Nineveh Bull seems to have been on the rampage in the Stamboul China Shop, and to have all but smashed our very shaky diplomatic relations in that eminently unsound establishment. The Pasha of Police, Har1z—namesake of the Persian poet, famous for his lyrics, amorous, vinous, and Anacreontic, but himself more distinguished by his deeds of hate than of love, and his orgies of blood than wine, his most conspicuous part hitherto having been that of first murderer in the Bulgarian massacres—has lately been playing one of his little games at Constantinople in the arrest of a laste and unoffending agent of the Church Missionary Society, the Rev. Mr. Kortier, who has been translating our Prayer Book into Turkish, and with him of Anmep Tewrrx, a Khodja, or one of the priestly class, whom the missionary had employed to assist him in his task, and revise his translations. These arrests being glaringly illegal, as running in the teeth of the Imperial decrees assuring religious tolerance, our Ambassador at once insisted on the release of the Missionary, and the poor old codger, who had got mixed up with him, the restoration of Dr. KogLLER’s papers, and last, not least, the dismissal of Hariz, the Police-Pasha and ex-actor in the Bulgarian Atrocities. The Porte has met the demand with its usual weapons—lies, evasions, denials, and procrastinations. But the Nineveh Bull has put down his foot for once; has given the Porte an Ultimatum, and the time thereof having expired, has ‘‘ suspended diplomatic rela- tions.” If he could only suspend that most obnoxious of all our Me me relations, Hariz Pasua, and a good many of the same ney! En attendant, the Nineveh Bull frowns sternly on the Father of the Faithful; there is a great gulf fixed between the English Konak of Therapia and the Harem of Yildi Kiosk. Of course Asput Hamer being as weak as he is stubborn, will in the long run have to knock under, and right Hari Pasna’s wrong, or seem to do so. In the meantime our “ suspended relations” are doubtless uncom- fortable. But we hope that, on Hariz’s own wry a little seve- rity ~~ employed to “‘ clear the air,” and that the punishment which been so long hanging over that blood-stained scoundrel’s 0 head may at length fall, and fall heavily. _ But why talk of “hoping” for such a result? As this would be justice, it is a great deal too much to hope for as the upshot of a Stamboul “difficulty.” The more probable end of the affair will be dexterous evasion with colourable satisfaction of the English Elchee’s just demands, and the promotion of Hariz Pasua in place and pay under the pretence of disgrace and punishment. By the way, we wonder with what view Dr. Korrier can have been translating the English Prayer Book into Turkish? Can it be that Lord B.’s next coup is to be the introduction of the Church of England into Asia Minor—and that Dr. Koxtier’s Prayer Books are to be used for asking a blessing on Lord Sanpon’s steam- ploughs ? Punch to his Excellent Friend Sir Julius Benedict. On his recent marriage with Miss Fortey. Gatiant and gay Sir Jutrvs, who again Bindest dull Liberty in Love’s soft chain, Oft Punch’s soul, by thy sweet strains inspired, Has been to pity moved, to fervour fired ; And shall he now, as speaker for the Nation, Refuse his grateful meed of gratulation ?— Long may /’ Amore’s dart, turning La Morte’s, Leave thee, at once, Piano’s lord and Fortey’s ! Warning for Warning. Ovr American cousins are very kind in sending us forecasts of storm from their side of the Atlantic. It would onl civil if our political weather-seers were to return the compliment by some such Cablegvam as the following, 2 propos of Mr. PARNELL, Agitator and M.P. :— Storm Warning.—A centre of disturbance has left Irish Coast, travelling westwards. Will probably reach American side by 30th inst. ; may be expected to affect all the Northern States within their Irish degrees of latitude and longitude. Thunder, lightning, and windy weather, with higher temperatures, likely to follow. Warn all parties (particularly Irish) to lay aside metallic substances on their persons, as from highly electrical conditions of atmosphere such substances may be likely to melt. ADAPTED FROM THE NORTHERN FARMER. Stage- Manager's Christmas Pantomime Quotation :— “ Properties! Properties! Pr £ " VOL,” LXXVIII.

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to PUNCH, OR THE Lf INDON CHARIVARL. THE MORRIS-DANCE ROUND [January 10, 1880. ST. MARK’S. d "7 qh 7 NSS SS ////ha A Morris! a Morris! Asthetics, Artistics, Slade scholars, Professors, High-Art dilettante, They may tell you their aim’s but to fix his foundations, | To stay what is sinking, make good what is gone: Up with your polemics, if not with your fistics, |Gammon! That’s but to mask their accurst operations ; In defence of San Marco against the birbante, You judge what they will do, by what they have done. The Brigands, the Vandals, the Goths, the Beotians,’ | Or if your sharp eye on these jobbers and Van Who come forth to destroy on pretence to restore, Have put spokes in their wheels, And whose sinister interests or Philistine notions May soon flay San Marco from finial to floor ! their pee hands have stayed, The virtue ’s not theirs, but your vigilant candles’ | The light they have thrown, and the noise you have made!

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January 10, 18€&0.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 7 \ a , ie Z \ LEAN -_ x “dy ws We of) my 7» ) OY RA LCE PS Mee Swrr 4 ea rey AD rr — ~ es 1D fo RAP A Mork sa) oe ay 4 j — ah iis, ™ NTN y ( JUDGING BY APPEARANCES. Old Scotch Wife. ‘‘Losu mz! Tazre ’s A MAUN DRENKIN’ ooT 0’ Twa BoaTrTies at ANcE! !” [The Old Gentleman was trying his new Binocular, a Christmas Present to his Nephew. Then a Morris! a Morris! round brave old San Marco! If all’s true that they say, be ’t a caper of joy, That through all risks of wreck in Venetian barco, His mosaics and marbles are safe, dear old boy! But if, thanks to Italy’s tastes unwtherial, Your fears point to risks that still hang o’er his head, aa Pee Morris do duty for dance more unereal, e that danced in Basle cloister by Death—o’er the dead! OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. A Visit to the Alhambra— Drury Lane—German Reed’ s—The Gatety—End of First Round, Rornomago, at the Alhambra, belongs to a class of entertainment exactly suited to this house. It is the right piece in the right place. There is only one mistake in it, and that is the absence of tricks and transformations. The French original was full of these grotesque surprises, perpetually surprising and delighting the audience. Given, one good piece of this sort, starting at tmas time, and it ought to last the year through, thomago is the sort of elastic story which like Le Tour du Monde, admits of perpetual variety. As soon asa novelty could be obtained, something that was played out or that didn’t go quite so well as the rest could be sunovel and the novelty popped into its place, when, of course, all the world must be told by every means of advertisement at money’s command, of the additional attraction to the ular-extravaganza of Rothomago, or what- ever the piece might be at the Alhambra. In this way, La Biche au Bois and the Pied de Mouton, ran for about twenty Bis in Paris. They are always running. Were I to see in the affiche of the Porte St. Martin that Za Biche was now being played with five new Acts, fifteen new tableaux, and that all Paris was going to see it as all aris has been to see it for the last quarter of a cent I should not be in the least surprised. And so it might be at the bra. The music of Act I. is by Mr. Soromow, who shows the usual wisdom of Sotomon in being remarkably like Sutirvan, — and none the worse for having studied in that Doctor’s school. In Act Il. it is by Signor BucaLoss1, where a conce piece, and the ballet-music were the best numbers: in Act III. M. Gaston Szr- PETTE gives us one concerted piece worthy of his name, and in Act LV. our old friend, and the bra’s best servant, Mr. J. G JACOBI, comes out strong in his ballet, as does also Mile. Rosex11, the new dancer, who has danced from Paris, Turin, Milan, and Bord- eaux, all the way up to Leicester Square, where I hope to “‘ meet her once again.” The Fourth Act is the best of the lot, and merits separate notice. That the last should be the best is true Alhambra policy (if it only begins at a reasonable time, as no doubt it does by now), in- tended for the entertainment of those whom Club dinners have detai and who, alas! poor creatures, turned loose on the cruel streets of London at ten o’clock at night, scarcely know whither to their steps. To these waifs and strays the hospitable doors of the Alhambra are open. Within all is brightness and lightness. Mr. Pavuron lectures in his own iar vein of humour. Miss LosEBy looks charming, and sings melodiously. Miss Herry Tracy is a sweet Fairy, and Miss Emma Cuampenrs a saucy Soubrette. Neither Mile. Juxic (who seems to know as little of the stage as she does of our ), nor Miss Rosz Srewa, is an acquisition. A Frenchwoman, w little to recommend her but a name which may be mistaken for “ Jupic,” is of very little use at the Alhambra, judging at least from her first performance of the Princesse Allegra. The costumes in the Egyptian Ballet are peculiarly effective ; and the dancing of Mlle. Gitsent, and “little Rosa,” in the Vintage Ballet, is as ful as it is full of life and spirit, where the har- monious clinking of bright metal cups as an gy to the chorus, is a novel and striking effect. So much for Rothomago; and now for Drury Lane. What! Blue Beard never been seen before at Drury Lane! Well, so they say. Who are they? Mr. Harnis, Mr. Voxes, and the ‘‘ Brothers Grryn.” I can’t believe it. If not as a pantomime, surely the drama of Blue Beard must have been done here ever so ago, before this resentative Person was born or thought of. Be that as it may—and I am not an anti-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Mist! | {yt Mm val i 4 py if { ih ew Nec 4 - | i i 4 1; GHA dil EARLY ENGLISH-FRENCH. (DECEMBER 26.) (January 10, 1880, Teteixn, which, gorgeous in brilliancy and colour, is quite a cheering sight in this dull, foggy, unpoetic Christmas, which has been anything but * All right up to now!” In the ‘Comic Scenes” —so called, to distinguish them from the Serious Scenes of the Opening—there is one great novelty—a Clown, with a moustache. I thought at first it was ‘“‘a trick;” but no—there it remained all the evening; and unless some new Transformation has occurred before these lines appear, there will be that moustache on that Clown’s lip. ‘‘Ah!” as Mr. H. P. STEPHENS says in his topical Song, ‘‘ What are we coming to next?” A Clown in moustachios! Why, he’ll come on with whiskers, and then without his paint; and then without his motley! And then—a Pan- tomime, in plain clothes, under the patronage of ‘“‘ the Church and Stage Guild,” with a Ballet of Colonial Bishops, in short skirts, and a Rural Dean, lent for the run by the Pastoral Aid Society, to appear as the Good Fairy Pew Opener. So much for Drury Lane, and success to the VoKEs’ Entire. At the St. George’s Hall, the German Regps have got a genuinely seasonable entertainment called 4 Christmas por ae written by Mr. Grrpert A Becxert, who has evidently been inspired by the famous adventures of Miss Alice in Wonderland. Mr. Atrrep REED as a Jack-in-the-Box toy has the most marvellous make-up, being an exact living reproduction of one of those start- ling bogies which were at once the delight and terror of our childhood when we snatched a 1 joy in undoing the wire hook that kept down the lid of the box. Mr. ALFRED BisHop is inimitable as the Beadle out of a Punch Show, whose poor wooden head has been so be- laboured that he cannot recall the name of the villain who stood at a first-floor window and committed such diabolical atrocities as might well attract the attention of Mr. Grapsrong. Mr. Conney Grarw is a Prince off a Twelfth-cake, which, to a logical-minded critic like myself, seems a mistake, as such a person whatever pleasure he may have, has no business in the of Toys. Mr. Krwe Hatt’s music is charming from first to last, specially a trio and dance between Miss EprrH BRANDON (who looks about fifteen, and plays the little girl, quite a first-cousin to ALICE, admirably), and the two ALFREDS, Reep and BisHop. It is to a thoroughly careful carrying out of this style of entertainment on an enlarged scale that Messrs. GiL- ‘ ; 2 BERT AND SULLIVAN owe their success with such pieces French Nursemaid, ‘*‘Vous TEs BIEN TRANQUILLE CE MatTIN, Monsievr ERaup !”’ Master Gerald, ‘‘J& crois QUE J’AI MANGE UN PEU TROP BEAUCOUP HIER!” f the subject is a novelty here, so also is the surprising fact that the Christmas Annual is not written by Mr. E. L. Brancnarp. Did that gentle writer of Pantomime refuse to treat so horrible a story as Blue Beard? or has he really | retired in favour of the fraternal Grivns? So thus we begin the Drury Lane Pantomime with novelty and mystery. Biue Beard, or Voxes’ Entire, was played on Boxing Night to a densely rowded house. |Mr. Ferprnanpd WALLENSTEIN in the orchestra faced; the vudience bravely, and urged on his leaders of attack with his Marshal’s bdéton. The Family is a necessity at Drury Lane, but Necessitas non habet leges, i.e. Necessity has no legs,” and herein the Voxrs Family has the pull over the Mother of Invention. But, my dear Brothers Grivn, why did you ever go away larky Bashaw ?—but I don’t believe in Blue Beard as a mere practical joke, even ina Pantomime. The Elephant, by Mr. Rrpiey and Mr. Ben Frie.pixe, is the hit of the ’mime at Drury Lane. Mr. Ripiey does the forelegs, which Rrpiey, this historic poet burst forth with the wish that We could have Larimer, Just to play Fatima ! The Wreck, the great Sea-Serpent, and Frep and Rawpow Voxes in’a cockle- therefore pardonable as an introduction into the story of Blue Beard. In the Oriental Palace Scene, the Voxes Family ought to have their throne i the Stage, one quarter of the house doesn’t know what the other three- ynicism of the Brothers Griyw!! You excite our curiosity with Fatima’s, and then toshow us Nothing! Why, Blue Beard wasn’t even a Freemason, head, double encore, and a magnificent Transformation Scene, by WILLIAM according to the Brothers Guinn! But the Family Dance to finish—legs over | the as The Sorcerer (which was eminently a GerMAN REED style of entertainment, like the same Author’s Ages Ago), and The Pinafore. The Opéra Comique performance is the German Reep’s entertainment ‘writ large,”’ ‘ onl | quarian— the Pantomime of Biwe Beard is being done now at Old Drury, and and the patronage which th persons, who have : ; ° hitherto restricted themselves to the show at St. George’s Hall, have bestowed on the Opéra Comique proves the relationship — the Pinafore, with its ‘* cousins and aunts,” establishes a re/ation-ship in itself — existing between the two establishments. The Gaiety Gulliver, to begin with, is a happy title, and as the piece continues it strikes me that it is a happy title to goon with. Essentially for Christmas, a better show of children for children cannot be seen than in the last Act but one of the Gaiety Guliver. Yes, it is in Acts, but don’t let anyone be dismayed by what from the real old story of Blue Beard? Mr. Fxep Voxes is very funny as a| S0unds at first a formidable fact—‘‘ Seven Acts and twelve Tableaux,” lasting from 7°30 till 11°30 at night, or from 1°15 to something past five in the afternoon. Here is something to be seen and heard too for the must be rather puzzling even for a Riddle-y; while the hindlegs have a good mney, and the money laid out on the Gaiety Gulliver innings, though done by one who is Fretprine. When I saw the name of | ™ust ve been something considerable. What charicts drawn by nightmares must Mr. H. J. Byron, its author, have ridden in for ever so many months previous to its production, and how very blanches must have been the cartes (not drawn by nightmares these) given a Joun HoLimnesHeaD—Gaiety JoHN—to every x boat, are all genuine good pantomimic fan of the real old-fashioned sort, and| everywhere, to secure the funniest pantomimists, the cleverest children, the brightest costumes and scenery: and in fact the best of everything. The well-selected f cushions in the centre. At present, done as it is, in the right-hand corner| music is admirably performed by the disciplined band of Herr Meyer Lutz—the back of whose is not juarters are laughing at. The Blue Chamber is made nothing of! Oh, fatal| yet a familiar sight to the audience, having been so long idden under a bushel of footlights—and the Storm Scene is a most striking effect. Mr. Exron, struggling with waves, is quite in his element. On the night I saw him, “* he like a sailor fell,” and went to Davy Jones’s —_ — ~~ — ee

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See January 10, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 5 AT SEA ON SHORE. Post Captain (Commanding Naval Brigade at exercise wnder the Admiral’s eye, to Middy acting as Galloper.). ‘‘Don’T Choss THE Apmiraw’s Bows, YounestEr! Go UNDER HIs STERN, CAN’T you!!!” locker, ‘‘ never to go in’’—like the Grandfather’s Clock (has it ey at last f)—at least, not as ‘‘the mutinous mate,” but as the King of Comic Song Island. Miss Kate Vavenan, as Pretty Poll of Portsmouth, dances her best, and that’s saying not only much but everything; while Miss NELLIE FARREN, uel Gulliver, of course, is livelier than ever, and that’s vouching for a good deal. In the earlier part the songs, duetts, trios, and quartettes, by the talented combination of Miles. VaveGHAN and Farren, and Messrs. Terry and Royce, are - petually redemanded ; and the song in the Brobdingnagian Cornfield is capitally written, excellently sung, and heartily encored, till there’s not a verse of it, left to sing. Miss WapMAN sings charmingly the solo part of one of the most graceful numbers in, the whole piece ; and Miss Lovis freshens us up with a taste of her spirit—she is the Spirit of Christmas Cheer—just at the very end of the performance. The ns by Messrs. Lioyps (he’s only one person, though in the plural, but quite equal to two), Perxins (with all the strength of Barctay in him), Hawn (Brother Hann, not “‘ Sister Hann”), Gureve & Son—and the son can never make his father Grieve—is good from first to last. But the last—the very, very last —An Allegorical Tableau of the Golden Age, is by Mr. Brevertey, and reminds me of the time when Madame Vzstris played The King of the Peacocks, and The Island of Jewels—both, of course. by Mr. T. R. Prancué—bless him ad multos annos '/—and when London crowded to the Lyceum to see the Christmas Extravaganza, and when the Last Scene, for which everyone stopped—as they do now most respectfully, on being so requested to do, at some of the Comedy Theatres—was the Scenic Artist’s chef d euvre of the year, and became the talk of the town, and that chef d’euvre was by the same cunning hand that has painted The Golden Age of the Gaiety Gulliver, Mr. W. Bevertey, as aforesaid. I only wished to see The King of the Peacocks pune forward from the centre, and I should ha e boy again, like Mr. Royce, in the ‘ ve been a good lit Opening Scene. Then there ’s the Flying Ballet, and the Review of the Lilliputian Army by Queen Mite of Lilliput—where Mite is Right—and she is the dearest little Mite, and the most unselfconscious. But space will not permit me to say more; and everyone can see it in bits, or at one sitting, for themselves. So walk up, walk up, and see the show! This is, as the Prizefighters say, the end ‘of the First Round ; and next week 1 will come up smiling, ready for another: till when Iam Your faithful REPRESENTATIVE, P.8.—A propos of theatrical notabilities, the funniest, if not the best likenesses I have yet seen of Mr. Invine and Miss Terry as Shylock and Portia, are by M. Prtoret, in the latest number of Sketch. Its new Editor bears a name dear to all connected with Punch, who, I am sure, for our late Chief’s sake, will join with me in wishing success to Mr. RegrnaLp Sureiey Brooks, Wiring into the Cape. Tne QuEeEN may mark the inauguration of the Submarine Cable to the Cape b poe Sameer of messages with such living Potentates as the Sultan of Zanzrsak, Sir Bartie Frere, and Sir Garnet WoLsey. Punch, more favoured, is privileged to communicate with the Cape’s great Discoverer. The Ghost of Vasco pz Gama wires to 85, Fleet Street, from the Anglo-Dutch Elysian Fields, under the shadow of Table Mountain :— “* To Great Britain, binding her not by Red-tape, I am glad, that like me, you have doubled the Cape; Made her strength twice as strong, and her hope twice as stable, Linked, and anchored, at once, by the Submarine Cable!” Tightness without Tipple. We are warned to “prepare for a tight money-market in the bn But how are we to prepare? Whatever Sir WILFRID Awson and the United Kingdom Allie nee may say, there is no pre- Ontint tightness of that sort, either by Prohibitory Bill or Local By Rights. (See the Pall Mali, Morning Post, and Daily Telegraph, passim.) Ir the Borussia late a wreck we’ve seen, So that Bore-Russia should long since have been!

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PUNCH OR THE I \F jtamaih THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION AND 7 Duke of Poplar and Bermondsey. ‘‘ Just Look BAes IN YOUR Lire#? I SHALL ALWAYS BE GLAD TO Cu EVER MEASURE M& FOR ANOTHER PAIR OF BaGs !” ppe (of Snippe and Son, St. James's Street). you WERE MY Fao at Eron; anpD AT CHRISTCHURCH YoU rO COME ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MEASURE YOU HIMSELF. I! or THe Leos insipt ’yM! So snut vp, oLp Srick-1n-THE-Mur k ‘Lirrts Binwtek/’” YOUNG \ FLATTERING tale?” Alas! the wise— Glad Goddess of the azure eyes !— »w age-proof ’gainst the potent battery heering charms that lies in flattery ; So poor of faith, of hope so chary, rhat fables from the Court of Fairy, And your fallacious fictions seem rt geants of a world of dream. } Goddess, when the youngling Year Draws to you half in hope, half fear, And pleads, like any other boy, For pretty tales of peace and joy— The roseate rapturous romance That makes youth'sthrobbing pulses dance— Kind H tor all her doubts must feel pted to answer his appeal, (tr Enough of Erebus a (> And may we not rej That Hope at least i With radiant eyes a Herald of quiet and 1D } Tell—call it not a fi Fair and Foul. a recent ecclesiastical celebration at the Church of St. nt Danes, a contemporary antithetically observes :— h there was a dense fog, there was a fair congregation.”’ ING What an exemplary, as well as fair, congregation, not to be from attending church by a fog which, in its density, nbined with London's smoke and soot, must have been dangerous, t detrimental, to all fair complexions. Tractnc Paper.—For Pedigrees. And tell him tales, prophetic, pleasant, And brighter than our Have we not plumbed Pandora’s box ? To dissipate despair’s eclipse ? Tell how the Fairy Princess Peace, Will soon step forth, and drowsing Duty Awaken like the Sleeping Beauty At kiss of Conscience, and the ery Of honour and humanity. How trade will seon return, we’ll hail JONDON CHARIVARI. (January 10, 18:0. ~ Fay iN N i rede Mite LIBERAL IDEAS. AT THESE BaGs YOU LAST BUILT MF, SNIPPE! J’ EVER SEE SUCH ME AND DINE WITH YOU, OLD Man; Bur 1’LL B& HANGED IF YOU “You ’vVE ALWAYS GRUMBLED ABOUT YOUR BaGs, AS YOU CALL ’EM, EVER WERE JUST AS BAD, EVEN THOUGH MY POOR DEAR OLD GOVERNOR f AIN’T THE FAULT OF THE Baas, MY DEAR Popsy—IT’s THE FAULT », AND LET ’S JOIN THE LADIES—TaE DccCHEsSS HAS PROMISED TO HOPEFUL. Oar truant Goldylocks most gladly, For in his absence all goes nf ; We’re rather sick of ghosts and bogies ,— Such vampire taste too much in vogue is,— So, if you please, let’s have your story, Quite free from all that’s grim or gory. Then, cou/d you throw in summer skies, Touched with the tint of your own eyes ? Such as our late preposterous weather Veils from our vision altogether ! Great Goddess of the Anchor deign To free us from the reign of rain, __ Which swamped us all in Seventy-Nine. To this our suit kind ear incline, Who back for reasons all too weighty, The plea of our young Hopeful, Eighty. ast, or present. nd Nox ! oice to find s left behind, nd honeyed lips, increase, attering tale— Unprecedented Attraction. “Mr. Ggorce RicNotp in Comedy ALONE.” So runs the commencement of a theatrical advertisement. What a great star Mr. Gzorce Rieno~p must be! A whole dramatic company concentrated in the person of a single performer! Mr. G. RiGNoLp’s must be, surely, the very essence of acting. SOON CONSOLED. How fickle is man! At the Criterion Theatre you may be Jilted at eight, and yet find yourself perfectly happy with Betsy at 8°45.

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= = 1 ea A. S == S 7, = > PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvauy 10, 1880, =>, ZS PS. GEEZ Dg “PLEASE, DEAR HOPE, DO TELL ME A FLATTERING TALE!” WY LZ Zi Luster ae rse hy Ye ¢ y Y G4 YY f/4 y Y/

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January 10, 1880.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL : THE RAVEN A New Version, respectfully dedicated to the Duke’ of Somerset, ATE, upon a mid- night dreary, as I pondered, chill but cheery, Over certain prosy volumes 4 Con- temporary lore— Midst prophets pages prowling. saddenly I heard a growling, As of something faintly howling, howling at my chamber door. “Tis some r stray tyke,” I muttered, “ 1- ing at my cham- ber r; Only that, and nD g more,” Eugh! distinetly I remember it was in the cold De- cember, And my fire to its last ember burn- ed, while outer blasts did roar. Fearfully I funked the morrow, vain- ly I had sought to borrow From my friends, or, tomy sorrow, to my coal-mer- chant’s score— To that swollen, heavy-ladenthing poor devils call a “ score _ = To be settled— | B nevermore, And the windy, wild, uncertain flapping of my window curtain Filled me, thrilled me with fantastic fancies never known before ; So that, now, to check the cheating of my mind I stood repeating, ‘Tis that Jonzs’s dog entreating entrance at my chamber door— Bibulous Jonxs’s pug entreating entrance at my chamber door,— nly that, and nothing more.” Presently the sound grew stronger. Hesitating then no longer, ‘* Tyke,” said I, ‘‘ low mongrel, truly this intrusion is a bore; we nope oe deuce have you been prowling, that so late you come a owling, Keeping up this nasty growling, growling at my chamber door? I was hardly sure I heard you.’’ Here I open flung the door,— Darkness there, and nothing more ! Back into my chamber turning, where my lamp was dimly burning, Soon n I heard a growling, something louder than before. “Surely,” said I, “ surely, that is something stirring at my lattice, Let me see if ghost or cat ’tis, and this mystery explore. Pooh! J have it, what a dufter, what a Seeker to be sure! ’Tis the wind, and nothing more! Open here I flung the casement, when, to my extreme amazement, In there stepped a rusty Raven of the ‘‘ glorious days of yore.” Not the least obeisance dropped he, not an instant stayed or stopped he, But, like ghoul who hopped and flopped, he perched above my chamber door— On a plaster bust of Dizzy standing o’er my chamber door— Perched and sat, and—nothing more ! Then this seedy bird beguiling my chilled features into smiling, ne grave lugubrious grimness of the solemn phiz he wore, hou art welcome to this haven,” said I, “foul, bedraggled, ven, Hopeless-looking ancient Raven, croaking as of days of yore. Tell me what thy lordly name is, is or was, in days of yore.” Quoth the Raven, ‘‘ Nevermore! ” Much I marvelled this most sickly fowl to hear respond so quickly, Though the nomen was a rum one, it a certain aptness bore, As to those dull dupes of folly and foreboding melancholy, Hopeful seldom, never jolly, doting on those days of yore, Who esteem the present hopeless, utter failure or next door— To be mended nevermore ! But the Raven, squatting lonely on the ter bust spake only That one word, as though his soul in doldrums he would thus outpour. Not is then he uttered, though his spirit seemed sore uttered. “Come!” I said, or rather muttered, “you're dyspeptic,—’tis a bore But to-morrow you 'll be ‘ will your lost tone restore.” Quoth the Raven, ‘‘ Nevermore!” Struck to find the silence broken by ** Doubtless,” said I, “this one store, Caught from imistic master, who in progress saw disaster, od fast ane coming faster, till his wails one burden bore,— Till his sad vaticinations one unvarying burden bore, This same Raven’s ‘‘ Nevermore!” But the Raven still beguiling my amused soul into smiling, Straight [ wheeled my easy chair in front of bird, and bust, and door ; Then, upon the cushion sinking, thought to thoages by faney linking, I employed my brains in thinking what this black and feathered bore, Like all, pete | funereal vaunters of those precious days of yore, Meant by croaking ‘‘ Nevermore!” Then methought the air per denser, darkened as by cynic censor, Some CassanDRA whose forecastings are of evil days in store. ‘*Croak no more!” I cried. ‘* Content thee with the gifts the gods have sent thee! Give us respite and nepenthe from sad dreams of days of yore! Let us quaff hope’s sweet the, and forget those days of yore!” Quoth the Raven, ‘‘ Nevermore!” “ Prophet,” said I, “of things evil! ‘Things are going to the devil,’ Is the formula of fogies, I have heard that bosh before ; Times look dark, but hearts undaunted find the future still en With fair visions such as haunted valiant souls in days of yore. Can’t you. can’t you look less glum? Keep up your pecker, I implore Quoth the Rayen,—‘' Nevermore! ”’ “* Prophet,” said I, “‘ of things evil, I don’t wish to be uncivil, ut the heavens still bend above us, happy days are still in store ; All are not with megrims laden, still the future holds its Aidenn, For brave youth and beauteous maiden; prophets have been wrong so patly spoken, low. bs his only stock and before Generally are, in fact; why can’t they learn and cease to bore?” Quoth the Raven, ** Nevermore!” Then, look here! we’d best be parting, croaking fowl!” I cried, u tar une . You had better nd your way to some Fools’ Paradise’s shore ! Leave no feather as a token of the rubbish you have spoken, Leave my lonely rest unbroken, quit that bust above my door! Take Oy beak rom out my sight, and take thy blackness from my r! Quoth the Raven, ‘‘ Nevermore!” And the Raven still is squatting, my esthetic paper blotting, On the plaster bust of Dizzy, just above my chamber door, . With i sere dully gleaming ‘neath the nightmare of his ming, And the em | o’er him streaming, casts his shadow on the floor ; But my soul in that black shadow that lies heavy on the floor, Shall be shrouded—-Nevermore ! Last Additions to our English Vocabulary. (From recent Indian experience.) “4 Fanatic.” One who is ready to kill and be killed in defence of ~ pmmemt ike the Greeks at Thermopylw, and the Dutch at Le Scientific Frontier.” A position in an intensely hostile country where three armies may be shut up close together, each unable to help or communicate with the other. : “ An . United, and Friendly Country.” One invaded and occupied by three hostile armies which hold only the ground they stand on; which every man, woman, and child are leagued to destroy, and whose commanders are fain to hang every man who resists them, to burn their villages, and to turn their women and children out to starve. | . ——————

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ’ a a . ay | At W . \r TR), WwW \ ahhh ) |} Vaal Att \ ) “ BREAKING THE ICE. Gallant Colonel (who has just been made a Grandfather, and can talk of nothing else). ‘‘ Do you TAKE ANY INTEREST IN VERY YOUNG CHILDREN, Miss CrauNCHER ?”’ Fair Authoress of ‘‘ A Pair of Cavalry Mustaches,” &c., &c., dc. ‘1 LOATHE ALL CHILDREN!” A MATCHLESS MONUMENT. “Tt gives us great satisfaction to record that Mr. Toropore H. Bryant, of the firm of Bryant AND May, has munificently offered to the Tower Hamlets a statue of Mr. GLApsToNs as a birthday tribute. The statue will, we believe, cost at least a thousand guineas. The sculptor who has been commissioned to execute the work is Mr. ALsert Bruce Joy, of Pembridge Gardens. Mr. Joy was a pupil of the late Mr. Fotey, and has already established a reputation by his successful treatment of the Larmp Memorial at Liverpool and Chief- Justice Wurresipe Memorial in Dublin.” — Echo. ** WaRrantepD to light only on the Box ’— BRYANT AND May Are Later Lucifers—a Box and Cox, Twin match for day ! Why then hath May thus Bryant left alone, In his bright thought, To set on high a marble-carv’d GLADSTONE, By Joy ywrought ? Young Sculptor Joy into Art’s seventh heaven So to uplift, And dull Tower Hamlets’ frowsy lump to leaven With the rare gift ? Nay, like the year, the firm but for delight May’s name employ ; There’s no May now, with Bevane to unite GLaD-sTonE, and Joy! Cargoes and Quicksands. _ Mr. Piowsort has announced to his constituents that he meditates an effort in the approaching Session to put an end to the loading of grain in bulk on board ship. From this practice results the shifting of cargoes, and often the loss of ships. It is, no doubt, somewhat cheaper to ship grain | in bulk than in bags, so as to prevent its shifting. Possibly, that consideration may be some reason why shi ~~ ys in loading vessels with shifting cargoes. Ifthe vessels so laden are sufficiently well insured, it is no loss to those gentlemen when they go to the bottom, crews and all. Shifting cargoes appear to be no less destructive than shifting sands. The Goodwin Sands cannot be helped; but there is some hope that Mr. PrmmsoLL may accomplish his design of doing away with shifting cargoes and the evil winnings of their over-insured shipper. A SEASONABLE MISTAKE. Ove Oxford Correspondent telegraphs to us to contradict the report that at the dinner of the Druids, on New Year’s Day, Sir Witt1am Harcourt wore a wreath of mistletoe, and was, _—t ol plea of it, repeatedly kissed by the wives and daughters of leading Druids during the eve ; CHARIVARL _ [January 10, 1880. VERSES BY ALEXANDER SELKIRK, ESQ., D.L., J.P., BALLY-MA-CRUSOE. (From his Abode in the Island of Ireland.) I am owner of all I survey, , I wr hunt, I can fish, { can shoot, Sut I cannot my m ees pay, And their claims dont elmit of dispute. Oh, ppm a where are the charms, 80 many have found in thy face ? Here I live in the midst of alarms, Yet with fourteen Police in my place ! I am out of humanity’s reach, If not, I’d best out of it ran— While Anti-rent orators teach That the tenant’s best friend is a The | bo that roam over the plain, My form with indifference see, Not so the bold tenants too fain To take a pot-shot at poor me! Law or justice, hard bargain, or fact, Religion, morality, fear,— We haven’t a Landlord-Right Act, So it’s useless to talk of them here : Oh! had I the wings of a dove, Or the money to take me away, I’d flee from the place that I loye, And let who will my mortgages pay ! But I cannot. I’m tied to a land Where the tenants refuse to pay rent, And the natives have taken a stand For ‘free soil,” and ‘‘a Home Parliament,” It’s no use for the Saxon to try To these people the truth to unfold, That the first they’re unable to buy, —e second they cheerfully sold. In America, England, and France, As in Canada, Russia, and Spain, I have friends, but I see little chance That I ever shall see them again. The land that they own is their own— They haven’t a Tenant-Right Act— Agitators must let them alone, And the law says they shan’t be attacked. It is useless to envy their lot ;— But I hear my brave peasantry’s roars, So, as I don’t want to be shot, I had better be getting indoors. My grandfather was not content G his island of Law and of Peace, How would he have enjoyed a life spent Where troubles seem never to cease ? How’d have he liked to wake in a right, In doubt if his doors were secured? I ask myself, ‘‘ Can it be right That this state of things is not cured ? : That my capital, land-locked, is gone, a 4 my land safe topay but its shot, Bring no profit, when profit is won, And bear all the loss, when it’s not ?’ ConsoLaTION FOR THE CZAR.— What is Nihilism? Nothing, when you are used to it.

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January 10, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE NEW KNIGHT. Tuer design for a Medal to be struck in honour of the new Knight, Sir CuarLes Rivers Witson, G.C., of the Order of SS. Michael | P and George, must represent Sir Rivers mounted, and in full armour, DO ; slaying the Dragon of Egyptian Finance, and rescuing the fair rincess Londonina-Parisina from her Egyptian Bondage.

<< IESE What’s on the Reverse of the Medal ? 3| i

SL: 'S& ‘a WN ANG

"hh Nami We hope not; but if this is struck for the Egyptian Mint, it will be like the Kueprve’s Egyptian Mint Sauce, that’s all. VEN IN \ \\ \\ \ | \" Hi N\ \ \\

A RUDE AWAKENING. (From a Romance of the Scientifie Stone Age.) “ Some day, as Professor MASKELYNE leads us to expect, we shall probably turn carbon into diamonds as readily as we now turn iron into steel,... and the diamond, like many of its predecessors, may be dethroned from its pre- eminence among precious stones.’’— Daily Paper. * * * * * * ‘‘ Very well, Madam,” said the Duke, his voice trembling with high-bred emotion, ‘‘ the bill for this last batch of old China shall be paid—no matter at what sacrifice!” f The Duchess laughed a silvery little laugh, as she daintily dusted a choice Kylin of old Nankin—with the classic four marks ! Already the Duke was whirling in the family barouche towards a back street in Piccadilly. He carried a large brown-paper parcel on hislap. Heavy beads of perspiration rolled down his wrinkled but still noble brow. His one thought was that the bill for the China must be met, and, like his great ancestor at Agincourt, though his nerves might tremble, his soul was calm. The carriage drew up at the entrance to a side alley. A few doors down it was a secluded entrance, surmounted by the familiar arms of Lombardic device, if they be not, indeed, the palle of the Florentine merchant adventurer. Within the passage opened a row of dark and ag eee doors. The Duke dashed desperately at the first. It yielded, and gave him access to a boarded compartment like the dock of a criminal court. Flinging his brown-paper parcel with hauteur on the section of counter that stretched before him, ‘‘I shall want £3,000,” he said. ‘‘ Let the duplicate be made out in the name of bef mapas gamed he Clerk eyed him narrowly. Then he undid the parcel slowly. It contained all the family jewels of a great Dukedom. The dingy counter scintillated under their sparkling splendour. A gleam of pride shot from the haughty old noble’s eye. “Come,” he said, persuasively, as he surveyed the glittering trinkets with a regretful gaze, “‘ you can make it £500 more. There’s not a set to match them in the Peerage! ” It was the Clerk’s turn to speak now.

‘* Five hundred more!” he repeated, with semi-sarcastic, semi- serious surprise, ‘‘ why the whole lot wouldn’t be worth five bob to us now.” He pushed back the brown-paper parcel as he spoke, and turned to glance indifferently through the window at a passing cab. he Duke was breathing heavily. It was clear that the shock had gone deep and gone home. He could hardly master his feelings. ‘* Five shillings!’ he muttered hysterically. ‘‘ Not wo shillings? What do you mean?” The man looked sadly at the tottering aristocrat, as half con- ae Gam half compassionately, he broke to him the terrible truth,— five ‘This lot, your Grace, is all old-fashioned Brazil and Indian stuff. We only do business in the St. Rollox Stones—the scientific article!” . : F E ,

Cool Hands. To Exeter’s Licensed Victuallers, When Nortnucore temperance preaches, One asks, admiringly, how far Official cheek now reaches. Sole parallel to Norrucore’s work, Is when, gh Europe’s storm, Sarispury and Lararp to the Turk Find cheek to preach Reform !

** on, STANLEY ——”’ CLERGYMEN in the Church of England work for their bread and butter. After his sermon in Westminster Abbey on Christmas Day, Dean STaNLEY may be said to be working in the Establishment for his bread and Buddha.

Fematez Caypipates vor Sgats.—The poor girls behind the Linendrapers’ counters.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI {January 10, 1880, TRANSATLANTIC MARVELS. _— AKEN all aback by the last extraordi- nary Edison electric light invention, Mr. Punch would be glad if he could announce as confidently as he is assured by know- ing parties in the Share Market that he ought to do, that he has satisfied himself as to the merits of the fol- lowing wonderful inventions, to be shortly launched from America :— The Two-hundred- Miles-an-Hour Travelling Car. — This marvellous ve- hicle is in part ex-|h lained by its name. Not only will it travel at the above tremendous rate, but it will also be found one of the most comfortable of conveyances. The motive power is ob- tained from an entirely new and original source. It is calculated that the cost of cemuleduee for a car capable of holding one hun- dred people will be considerably less than that of a London four- wheeled cab. i As it is self-working, there will be no expenditure needed for fuel, &c. (This great and glorious invention ought to send down Railway Shares considerably.) The Anti-Aquatic Ship.—As its name or this extraordi- nary vessel be ectly independent of water. It is built on a new principle. By an invention (which will be explained so soon as it shall have been patented), it is able to dispense with sails, engines, or crew. It can easily be worked by a child of six years old, and needs no steering. As it is made of a mate- rial considerably - than paper, the cost of manufacture will be unimportant. (It may naturally be expected that this great and glorious invention will seriously depreciate Steamboat Shares. ) Staff of Life Essence.—This wonderful drink is warranted to supply sufficient nourishment for man and from year’s end to year’send. The marvellous liquid was discovered by accident. It is not intoxicating, and has the properties of bread and water combined. It oceurs in nature in even greater abundance than the latter all- waies fluid. It can be e out of anything for abso- lutely nothing. This great and om invention may be expected materially to affect Water-work Shares. The Coming Secret.—This crowning wonder in the way of inven- tion is so marvellous that it is impossible to describe it. Suffice it to say that it will do away with the British Constitution, Free Trade, the National Debt, Joint Stock Banks, Foreign Bonds, and Commerce generally. (This great and glorious invention may be fairly expected to send down everything and everybody.) Two Notable Advertisements. Tarry in orders evidently bears in mind the old rhyme, and thinks that other clerical Tarrizs, cially of the inferior orders, require a sharp eye kept on them. Thus we find in the Guardian, Decem- ber 24, this significant demand from Monmouth :— Wants, a WOMAN and her DAUGHTER, to live in the Vicarage, wash for the family who reside elsewhere, and look after the Curate. Address, &c. It is not generally the old women who look a the Curate. So, perhaps, it was as well to couple, as is done in this advertise- ment, an elder woman and her daughter for this eminently feminine occupation. Here is a good opportunity for anyone wishing to commence as a Lady Help :— \ JANTED, a useful, decided Christian HELPER, in an institution near London, to ground the Girls in English and help domestically. Salary £10 per annum to begin. _A Governess and a Housemaid in one for £10 a year! The Chris- tian Principal of the Institution is evidently up to strictly Com- mercial principles as well! EDUCATION AND AERATION. A “‘Disapporntep Moruer,” through the Times, tells us that, under the will of her late husband, her two sons were to be sent to a public school. Meanwhile — ‘For several years they were in a Private Boarding School, and both passed at an early age the Junior Oxford Local Examination.” Her boys were then examined for entrance to “‘ one of the so-called great schools,” an , but, there being no immediate vacancy in the school, she placed them for one year with a clergyman, to have . The year of private coaching cost her three times the money she had previously paid for their schooling, whereas, had their coach same pol for results, it would have cost her nz, for her ‘‘ boys had not added one icle to their stock of knowledge.” However, at length they gassed the public school. “ With what result? The elder left two years into his twenty-second year; the younger left last July, and is now nineteen and a half. eir present condition is such that. ever since they have left school, they have been under a gentleman, who is teaching them what they well knew when they passed the Oxford Local Examination.” Hence a justly ‘‘ Disappornrep MotHEer” naturally enough con- cludes that ‘‘ Our great schools want inspection sadly.” Experience as certainly given her some cause to compare them unfavourably with private schools: although as to the latter she generalises rather widely in saying that they ‘‘must teach, or close.” Too many of them do neither. : Her boys, at any rate, both of them learned at a Private Boarding School enough to enable them to pass the Junior Oxford Local Examination at an early age. Unquestionably they were taught so much ; but then how were they taught it? In such a style that |. they have now, at an adult age, to be taught it over again. So it seems that a ‘‘ Disapporntep MoTHeEr’s” two sons were educated at the Private Boarding School as the bottles are aérated in a soda-water manufactory. Information must have been forced into the former as carbonic acid is on into the latter. The gas is retained in the bottles whilst cor ed down, but escapes on the removal of pressure ; so, if the boyish minds are left open, their school-learning, set free from forcible compression, goes off in youth- ful effervescence. Admirable system, by which our youth at an early are enabled to pass the examinations, for which at maturer years they have to be crammed all over again! ago, and is now entering A QUESTION. Ir the Parnellites insist on shooting all rent-payers, what is to become of the Pig, who has always been known in Ireland as ‘‘the Gintleman who pays the rint?”’ Is it to be a case of pig-shooting, or pig-sticking, all over the country ? TARGETS AND TRAITORS, Wao are the principal men of mark in Europe? Bismarck, of course, for one. Amongst others might be mentioned Continental Sovereigns, the mark of bad subjects who, happily, miss the mark they shoot at, as well as their aim at notoriety. A CHIEF AND A CHEER. Tue Ute Indians in Colorado are reported to have been giving trouble to their civilised neighbours. The Head Chief of these aboriginals bears the name of Ouray. Their war-cry is naturally, ** Ouray for our Leader!” PRACTISING WHAT YOU PREACH. Str Watter TREVELYAN’s cellar aypeare to be rather an embar- rassing bequest to Dr. RicHarpson. hy did he not have recourse to ‘‘ local option,” and decline it ? CoMPLIMENTS OF THE Season (altered to suit the Times).—‘‘A Muddy Christmas and a Sloppy New Year!” Arter Marrrmony.—A couple in a United State can always sign themselves U 8. A WuspFALL To THE CaLEponran.—The Tay Bridge Disaster. Tue Constitutional Dirricutty.—Dyspepsia. £8 To Conansrowpents.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to ac return, or pay for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by @ stamped and directed envelope, should be kept.

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January 17, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 13

NEW LEAVES.

ODE TO A SKYLARK, (From a Modern Point of View.) “ As for larks, they are evidently a doomed race. There are, it appears, some thousands of people in this Metropolis, who, { when other birds fail, or simply as a change, think nothing of putting a dozen larks in a dish. It is almost as bad as the five : thousand nightingales’ tongues served up on the table of the Roman Emperor.” — Times. Hatt to thee, plump beauty ! 416 Meant thou never wert

Just to sing; thy duty ; Is to glad the heart . Of gourmand and gourmet, and well thou play ’st thy part. ‘ =e still, and higher aste thy value raiseth ; Bon vivant high-flyer iF Nought thy price amazeth ; i Praising he pays for thee, and paying for thee praiseth, a What thou art who knows not ? iW What is like to thee ? From ruff and ree there flows not 1" out more sweet to me G . Snipe, ortolan? Pooh-pooh! Woodcock? Oh! fiddle- pe, fed ~~

Like ambrosial viand, i For immortals fit ! Thee ’tis sweet to buy and O’er thee gloating sit, a With keenest yearning faint for thee, thou sweet tit-bit ! a Sound of knife and fork, Or the chinking glass, THE annual coremon of Turning Over 2 New Leaf on the commencement of a mers news a new year too. on T'we ight, wi e cus’ solemniti . : haat The scene on simple, but impressive. The Great Book of 1880, sumptuously Melodious to mine ears, thy singing doth surpass. | bound and emblazoned, was borne in on the shoulders of the oldest inhabitants, Not for that it tells } and its pages, vast, white, and immaculate, opened on the outstretched wings Of the standing eet, ; of a resplendent golden eagle, supported on either side by Brirannza and a Or the hyacinth bells ; Yeoman of the Guard. But on it are borne i A flourish of trumpets sounded as each member of the noble company rose | Delights of toothsomeness bards only hold in scorn. 1 from his seat, advanced to the Eagles, and, with grave deliberation, turned over Bards are most absurd 1a a leaf, and inscribed thereon, one, two, or three promises and engagements for Though esteemed divine : the current year. The number is thus limited that the burden of responsibility Ihave never heard , may “e be rq <a emg = can only select a few examples of the new leaves Praise of love or wine turned over in the of 1880, : owe The Sultan.—I will reform, and be a better Sovereign. ‘I will do all Sir So rapturous one-half as this my song on thine !

Henry Layarp tells me. I will never again put the British Fleet to the incon- Chorus hymeneal venience of steaming up the Dardanelles.” Or erotic chaunt Emperor of Russia.—‘‘I will not be embarrassed and impoverished by more Matched with mine would be all wars, conquests, or armed expeditions. I will try the experiment of a Senna _ Humbug, empty vaunt— , | presentative Government. I will shut up Siberia.” Mere words in which the gourmet feels an aching want. ! The Three Emperors.—* We will keep up very small armies, just sufficient What objects are the theme ie for garrison duties. Wewill form a Holy Alliance of Peace with one another, Of the delicious strain ? a and of good-will towards all Sovereigns and peoples,” What dish in d France.—‘‘ We will be a moderate, patient, and, in fact, model Republic.” Of thee, pe ciel ox nian ! . a will pay our debts. If our new Kuxpive is not strong | What savoury succulence! what yearning faint and fain! enough, we will put Gorpon Pasna in his place.”

United States.—‘‘ We will go for Free Trade. We will send Mr. Pannen Done o'er charcoal fire, P about his business. We will be better friends with John Bull than ever.” Pe. = —_ sweet can be? } South African Colonists.—* We will pay the Zulu bill.” eat meray many Ave i Earl of Beaconsfield.—‘‘1 will not devise so much employment for Her React. or ta of = + es thee, tiet Imperial Majesty’s land forces. As an agreeable variation, I will attend to » i ep ar re, KBOWS NO sauuety. domestic legislation—though, as one seriously meditating speedy dissolution, I As to discontent _ can’t be expected to attend much to such a trifling matter.” At thy being slain,— Chancellor of the Exchequer.—‘ I will bring forward an early Budget. 1 Tis sick sentiment will not leave heavy bills for my successor to pay. I will do my best not to In fool’s feeble brain. 17

increase the Income-tax.” Dying to be well dressed, who says thou diest in vain? Mr. Giadstone.—“ I will contract my correspondence. I will shorten m ae, I will take office with Lord Granvitte and Lord Harrinerton, if er onaret — y amare Mr. Mackonochie and other Ritualists.—“* We will remember that we are Theme for a gourmand’s lxughter,— Ministers of the Reformed Church of England. We will obey the law. We will] The sweetest ain moe es!

t speak of plat or pot! not tout for Popery.”’ Home-Rule M. P.’s.—‘ We will do all we can to stop agitation, and prevent Better than all measures lawlessness in Ireland. We will be good boys next Session.” Of mere tinkling sound, The City Companies,—‘‘ We will not have more than four great dinners a Are the toothsome treasures year. We will spend a million of money on Technical Education. We will unite . In thy substance found, with the tion of London in soliciting a Royal Commission of Inquiry.” | Thou bird of fumet fine, of body plump and round ! Proctors for Convocation.—‘* We will talk less. Wewilldo more. Better, Sang I half the gladness perhaps, than either—we will not meet at all.” That thou st me know, jorge Elsot.””—‘* I will write ancther novel like The Mill on the Floss.” Such gastronomic madness j Mr. Punch (doubtful whether it is not all a dream).—‘‘1 can’t be better, but From my lips should flow, T’ll try to be as good as ever.” All mouths would water then as mine is watering now!

VOL, LXxvI0,

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LORD DERBY ON “BRITISH COMMERCE.” PeRFECTLY SOUND, BUT A LITTLE BIT OvT oF CONDITION. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 17, 1880. a r SSS \\a $4. \ 8 wW\ : 37 Qa a ae en « AS AY Seyret? ~~ —_— My A LESSON OUT OF THE MANCHESTER SCHOOL, We often hear the Manchester School decried nowadays; but still it may sometimes read London a lesson. Such a lesson Manchester has been reading London in the matter of the opening on Sundays of more innocent and profitable resorts, outside the pale of the Church, than the public-house. Manchester has always shown the courage of her convictions. If some of them have been fairly chargeable with narrowness, others may, with at least equal reason, be praised for breadth. To this latter class belongs the conviction of some of the Com- mittee of the Royal Manchester Institution, that the best way of oon the Public-house, would be to open the Picture Exhibition of the Institution on Sunday. The ps was mooted, contested— ly and bitterly, probably as such points are wont to be— but the Sunday-openers carried it, and ye my forthwith to ‘‘ draw off,’”’ not the Sunday beer- barrels, but their customers. Punch is glad to note the result. In the eleven Sundays on which the Gallery of the Institution has been open, 51,678 persons have visited it, most of them of the class to whom the Public is the only available Sunday recreation between two and five, hours during which Public-houses are open, and Churches closed. . The Institution was careful, by its choice of hours, fo pestis itself the rival of the places of tipple, not the places of worship. _ This great crowd has poured into and through the Institution Galleries, without let or hindrance. A few volunteers have attended to assist in marshalling the multitude, and showing them the order of their going from room to room. But there has no erection of barriers or reeving of ropes for the protection of the pictures. The marshals have encountered no incivility; the pictures and frames have sustained no damage. Two enthusiasts have paid for the postios of some thousand extra catalogues, to be lent to these unday-Gallery visitors, and returned by them on leaving the In- stitution. Scarcely a catalogue has been or detained. In a word, the experiment has been a conspicuous success. For the first time, we believe, a Picture-Gallery in a great densely- peopled pane ae nag has been opened to “‘ the masses” vithout yment, tickets, or any other restriction or condition, more freely, in short, than the Public-house, into which none may enter impecunious.

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January 17, 1880. | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 15 a AG — m VA ees Hae: py ite hark wr bien UX tek Wc, PRL io (HET) x DS) Neer) Kab “DE PROFUNDIS.” tu i) Pat (after a sip). *‘ AN’ WHICH DID YE PUT IN FIRST—THE WHISKY OR THE WATHER ?” Domestic. ‘‘ Taz WHIsky, AV cuoRsE,” Pat, ‘‘AW THIN MAYBE I’LL BE COMING TO’T BYR-’N-BYE!” Those who opposed the experiment have been, if not silenced, confuted. Those who proposed and advocated it have been borne out by the event. Many thousands from whom nature is shut out by their conditions of life and labour for all but an infinitesimal — of their existence—against whom the picture-gallery is rred on week days by payment, or more formidable still, by the thin and chilling presence of the highly-select, well-dressed, but not dense respectability that pays—have had, at least, the oppor- tunity of catching some glimpse of the beautiful, real or ideal—of being stirred and cheered a moment by visions of bright sunlight and blue skies, of growing trees and grassy meadows, of golden corn- fields and rolling seas, if only on canvas—of being admitted to momentary communion with some life other than their own toil- some and unlovely one, some brief glance into the historic past, or interesting or touching present reflected in the magic mirror of the Artist’s imagination. Who can say what seed may thus be sown? At least, and lowest, there has been some momentary glamour thrown over surrounding ugliness and griminess. It may well be called a Sunday opening— an opening upon a lovelier and brighter world than that of Man- chester streets and mills. If this Sunday opening had done no more, it would deserve to be blessed instead of banned. _ But we are bound to take into account not only the good the expe- riment may have brought about, but the mischief it may have prevented in the way of drinking and waste, of idle or foul gossip and profitless or degrading Taye re Fastidious folk may well have found this Sunday public little to their New ‘‘ couches sociales’’ are not always pleasant to over-fine fingers and over-nice senses. The highly pro and highly cultivated may even have nosed in this Sunday “‘ herd” 1 some- thing metaphorically, or even sensibly, disagreeable ‘‘ between the wind and their —, _ y was to catch the oaume fish that proposers and promoters of this experiment cast their net. They at least, do not quarrel with their take. When will London go a fishing of a Sunday with the same net in the same waters ? Does the Great Metropolis mean to wait till Liverpool and Birmingham, Leeds and Bradford, Burslem and Nottingham, Sheffield and Bristol, Kingston - on - Hull and Newcastle - upon - Tyne have followed the lead of Manchester, and so to land last instead of first, in the Sunday race between Public - house and Picture-gallery ? A JOB LOT. Jons are always ugly—but not always—injurious, ‘exeapt in- directly, to the public service. But this cannot be said of job just eg scomape in filling up the office of Kegistrar-General. The post has been given to a person who happens to be private secre- tary of one Member of the Government and brother-in-law, as we are told, of another, but who is perfectly innocent of all practical knowledge of the very peculiar skilled work of the office he has been pitchforked into. A valuable servant of long standing, who has borne for many years the responsibility and principal labour in connection with that office’s most useful functions—those relating to the public health—and whose reputation in Hygiene and vital statistics is European—has been passed over for the well-connected private secretary with the silver spoon in his mouth. The Government, having the right man under their hand in Dr. Farr, has gone farther and fared worse. The public has been in the wrong done to Dr. Fann, as well as the profession to which he ee We are glad to see that the Council of the Poor Law Medical Association have spoken out. Punch echoes their remon- ArTuur Hetps used to say he had never come across a job in all his public service. hat a pity he did not survive to these days. He might have come across not only the jobs, but their makers, and watched them at the process, Why not write up “ Job-Master,” in plain characters, in large letters, along the front of the Treasury Buildings, or ever the official head-quarters in Downing Street ?

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16 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (January 17, 1880. Caarter III. A Plan—A Note—Residence—Supers—Accommodation—A Master—Questio Curriculum— Note—Lectures— Divisions—Hours— Further Suggestions. Havre considered some of the benefits which would most the University from the introduction into its midst of a College, it wi parts of the College itself, understandin establishment as Girton First, the plan of the bui Ground PLAN sUGGESTED ror THE Genutrne Dramatic CoLLEce. is annexed to this new Academical body.* HINTS FOR A NEW AND ORIGINAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. —No Answer — Suggestion — Portrait — Officers — Staff —Illustrations— ssibly accrue to enuine Dramatic be advisable to devote our entire attention to the component at the same time that some such The ‘‘ Supers” would have comfortable rooms over and about the stable portion of the building, their education and board being given them gratis, on condition of their serving in hall, assisting in all circus and stage work, and signing a contract to send a certain per-centa of their annual earnings, in whatever engagements the Master of Thespian might make for them, during the first three years after their quitting the College. The great difficulty will be to name the first Master of Thespian. To start with, for the benefit of Art, and without obtrusive self-assertion, I should certainly pro- But no; on second thoughts, I will allow my readers to guess who it could possibly be. * Shall it be a Crown appointment ? : However, a Master there must be of ey College, and, mind you, the Master of Thespian is a fine soundin title. Here isthe portrait as intended for the Hall o the future College. Dramatic College. D. Archway and Entrance into the Stables. E. Stables. F. Chariot-houses for antique vehicles, such as triumphal cars, &c. G. Archway leading to Chapel Entrance. gg. Lecture-rooms. H. Chapel. t.1.4. Entrance to College staircases. J. College rooms. Each window being well in a recess and curtained, can be used as would take place out of doors. K. Senior Tutor’s rooms with bay windows. First Floor. L. Entrance to the Master of Thespian’s Lodge. M.M.M. The Master’s Residence. N. Staircase up to common room. O. Fellows’ Entrance into Hall. P. The College Hall. pp. Entrance into Hall. ppp. Second Entrance to Supers’ Table. Q. Kitchens, butteries, cellars, &c. This is, of course, merely a ground-plan. All the basements would be used for ordinary lectures, and special lecture would be given in the Model School, Property and Painting Rooms, L Picture Gallery (under the s: tendence of Mr. German of a Machinery (below), and Wardrobe departments. e up various oth residents, including Master, Fellows, Students, Supers, and College servants. * Professor Moriey’s scheme, I see, commences with an idea of a buildin may as well take it and furnish it himeelf. do well to consider the plan put forward in these few chapters. as every branch of the profession should be taught within the walls of the Genuine private box front, on the occasion of any College festivity, when Scenes in the Circus m.m.m.m. Private doors. The Master's house occupies three floors: no other residents. ibrary, EED, as a Gallery floors in the Quadrangle, the rooms beneath the Library, and in rts of the building, would afford accommodation for five hundred , for his National Dramatic School. If there is any castle in the air at present vacant, the Professor In the meantime, the amiable Professor will ! — 3 | Painting The College ‘ | Stage Room Libra 7 IClass | _ = Green Room 2"4 Class Green Room we _ Dressing Rooms e | od m Picture Gallery - 1 len oii lw | M Q ppm | = ; ™ m . | a — ee M. A. §8t I Ld : , A. BStage Joor- ; keeper's (Porter's) D a HS Tue First Master or THESPIAN.* Lodge. 7 a | J [( }] Presented to the College by the Fellows and Students. A.A. Stage Door- . i keeper's Instruction ‘— - Cc “ Now for the Officers of the College and the Tutorial -room. - . ( 7] staff. There must be two y, Tutors, senior and B. Waiting-room. | #8 t junior. Also two Comedy Tutors. The senior Tragedy C. The Quadrangle = [ (C 3) —so kept with tan % Cees and sawdust as to = a a Cireus for F A A, A B K comb ning dramatic J ee knowledge with —-. equestrian exercise, a Ss Taz Hicn Tracepy Tvror Instrueting in “* Hamlet.” ** This is not a likeness of Professor Mortry. If the Pro- fessor started a building, would he call it Morley’s Hotel for Dramatic Purposes? I confess that I am at present antagonistic

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-_ ;=s4 Janvary 17, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 7 Tutor will take High Tragedy for his department ; the junior will take Low Tragedy. The first begins with Shakspeare, and stops at Melodrama; the second takes Melodrama, and the tragedy of the Domestic Drama. s Aw Be Tue Low Tracepy Tvror In his Lecture Room, giving Illustrations of what he means. Each Lecture Room will be supplied with a small plat- form, a proscenium, with ticable curtain, a table, a chair, a piano, some lay- a dressing- the “‘ super” in atten ill see that all the pro- perties necessary for the Lecture, whatever it may be, are there to the moment. Every Lecture will be thus announced :— Lecture-room door open at 10. Lecture to commence at 10°30 precisely. No see 5 tape The Lecturer par- ticularly requests that you will be seated before he begins, and not leave until he has quite finished, as the interest of the Lecture commences with the first words, and lasts right up to the end. No fees. Private View of High-Tragedy Lecturer Preparing to give yard pt the Students. wre me _In the course of an hour’s lecture, taking into con- sideration the incidental music on a mechanical piano fitted for the purpose [unless a oe of the instru- ment be present], and whatever change of scene may be requisite, there would be only time for a lecturer to to what seems to be*Professor MonLEY’s opposition scheme, but, at the same time, I say to the Professor, as the “ pugs’’ used to say toone another, just to show there was no ill-will, before they squared up for fighting, “Tip us your mawley.”’ give three or four illustrations at most in character, besides calling upon some of his class for a recitation. The curriculum* would take something of this form :— Lectures to commence at 10 punctually. Doors open 9°30. Lectures to continue at the convenience of the Professors until 1 p.m., when three hours’ relaxation will be allowed till dinner at 4 p.m. =n» ; This hour for dining is to engender in the future professionals a habit of dining yenoteally at a convenient hour so as to enable them to feed well and rest well before entering on their labours. At 6°30, in accordance with this ane, the evening classes will assemble, and what has been taught in the day From 6°30 to 7°30. Lectures in making-up. For example :— In Lecture Room A. The students will make up for Macbeth, Hamlet, LT Shylock, Lear, &e. n Lecture Room B. poe we make w for Sir Edward Mortimer in The Srow os od ame in Miller and His Men, for Black Will in The mugger, In Lecture Room C. The make-up will be for Romeo, Hotspur, Ferdinand, and jeunes premiers generally. Thus, as will be seen at a fence, there are y wheels within wheels, and each Lecture isa within a tre —a perfect little Gallery of Illustration within itself. : The Lecturers’ costumes must be what are called “‘ trick dresses,” which means that by pulling a string, or a hook in one place and a button in another, taking care that both in right place, the dress of the High T y Tutor can be immedia’ from, say, Macbeth to Hamlet, or Hamiet to , or Horatio to Lear, or any of them to Shylock, uire. In Lecture D. For Shakspearian and other Comedy characters; and In Lecture Room E. Yor Modern Comedy. Lecture Room F, For Farce only. Here the Professor will watch the youth- ful aspirants for comie laurels making up for Boz or Coz, and for Spriggins in Tei F ot mn Francais. He will instruct them in their various lines. Room G._ For Burlesque making up, and Caricature. From 7°30 to 9. Performanees by the Students in the Lecture Rooms. At and | the end of this, the Professors will ve out what has to be specially p a min In my next I will attempt to show how some model Lectures would probably be conducted. In the meantime, some reverend member of the Church and Stage Guild—so many of whom a , by their own account, to be so enchanted with ballet dancing, and to feel themselves so morally improved by assisting at a Terpsi- chorean show—may be employed in teaching the Coryphées at Curtain College. repared for ie, aes morning’s class, and the College gates will be closed at 10 P.M. to Tux Bisnor AND THE Bater. An Evening at Home at Ourtain College. * In anticipation of inquiries from Messrs. Sancen and Henouer, ‘ curriculum” does include Circus business. ¢ Really good Dramatic “‘ Entertainers,” with a thorough knowledge of the stage, and an extensive acquaintance with costume, would be invaluable as Lecturers. A Ventriloquist should be a permanent appointment, as evidently he could give a better idea of a Scene played by a dozen characters, on at the same moment, than any ordinary or even extraordi actor. Of course the Ventriloquial Professor would have to take a solemn oath to the highest authorities, and in the presence of the Vice-Chancellor, not to play any practical jokes. Fortucoutne Fux.—A Collection of Scottish Proverbs. By Saw-wey. ear ena Sica ta enter ae ~

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18 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (January 17, 1880. } i al iil 1! yg) emma ia | 1 : RRL |! |) eT mt) OLE Pa > : “) = |\t TY Uf Yama NN) LES | Vpn f Te RT echt ( A! hae e ‘ MM 4 ihe 34 ’ 4 ? 7a Wis } ee / Wiis Milli’ — ro ty a li ‘| l | % i rT | iW; UR “DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.”—1. THE ETCHER. (Who thinks the Royal Academy ought to let him have a Room all to himself.) Distinguished Amateur (commendable for his Dinners, his Pretty Daughters, and his exquisitely-appointed Studio). ‘‘ Tarre! 1T’s EASY ENovcH 10 Draw, MY Frienp! I etcuep raat Srupy in Five Mivourgs/—svur THe ‘ Biring-In’ HAS TAKEN ME Two Yrars! THat’s THE SEVENTEENTH STATE OF THE PLATE!”’ Our Artist (naturally anxious to make himself agreeable). ‘* EXCELLENT! AWFULLY coop! TaatT Biack KItrgN PAWING THE AIR IN FRONT OF THE PARLOUR GRATE IS MOST LIFE-LIKE, AND THE TEXTURE OF YOUR PeRsiIAN HEARTHRUG IS SIMPLY ADMIRABLE !—I SHOULD KNOW IT ANYWHERE !”’ Distinguished Amateur. ‘‘Hearntarve! Grate!! Krrren!!! Why, Taat’s A Wivpmitt on A HEATH, MAN—AGAINST AY EVENING sky!” [Collapse of Our Artist ; collapse of Pretty Daughters ; collapse of everybody except Distinguished Amateur. JUSTICE TO IRELAND! TERRORS OF THE THAMES. Strix Sisters—though one rich, on ; The Wash, Long Reach. One sinumieshaneel can at the oe; : Loox here, Mr. Punch, I am oes plain rowing-man myself, and Hostile in seeming, at the core I don’t know anything about the ‘‘ Man of the Caverns” or the other Sisters still ! chap of the “ river drift’’ that Professor Dawxrns has been lecturing . about at the London Institution; but I’ll tell you what I do know, Let agitation, for its needs, and that’s this — ‘‘ Countless ages” or not, the Thames isn’t changed. Feed fat the hate on which it feeds ; Not a bit, Sir. Look here. This is what the Professor says :— It leaves us, spite of clashing creeds, “In the rivers were otters and beavers ; and the explorer would be startled Sisters still ! by the snort of the hippopotamus in the reaches of the Thames near Brentford.” Let demagogues, secure from harm, The snort of the hi F . mtg ppopotamus, indeed, in the reaches near Brent- We 1 — ede _ on to _— ford! I should like to know whether that can touch another snort— . " g Si i til! rm, one that’s to be heard not only at Brentford, but wherever a blessed ee Cs reach of any kind is to be found on the river! What I mean, Mr. We hear no lawless clamourers loud, Punch, is the snort of those beastly steam-launches. And as soon But Famine’s victims, pale and bowed, asthe boating begins, they ’ll begin too, Crying, from ‘neath the Western cloud Talk to me of the ‘Cave Man” and the primeval snorters! What “Sisters still!” are they to the modern ones that worry and swamp the man who may P , ; owenr, but Has To Cave IN. ¥ € ioen oue pases “ -% spare for thine, Nor sift desert ugh sieve too fine ; , : Let haters howl and bigots whine— English Opera and Opera in English. Bisters still ! Tue one thing we shall not see at Mr. Cart Rosa’s English Opera House is English Opera. The enterprise, like its Rosa, by any other - name would smell as sweet. At the same time, Punch wishes all | New Serrmye or aw Op Saw (by a Newly-married Man).—An| success to Mr. Rosa’s Operas in English. May our Rosa know no | Englishman's house is his wife’s castle ! | thorns the whole season through.

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= — i, dt PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvanry 17, 1880. A Ny Apne / “hy YY 7] 4 4, Al ZH = JUSTICE TO IRELAND! Barrannta (fo Hisernta). “ YOU'VE TROUBLES ENOUGH, MY POOR SISTER, WITHOUT STARVATION, THAT 1 CAN, AND WILL, HELP.”

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January 17, 1880, | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 21 OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. On Covent Garden Pantomime—The Grecian—Sadler’s Wells— And the Prince of Wales's. . a oe Pantomime Pa ag for Goctive and rilliant costumes, for gorgeous spectacle, for rapidly varyin Transformations, graceful forms, pretty faces, and well-arranged, music, commend me to the Covent Garden Pantomime of Sind- bad the Sailor. Thank goodness, it commences with a Dark Scene. Here are spiders, and beetles, and crawling things, governed by some Spirit of Evil. The Prince of Darkness is a Gentleman; but this one is a Lady, Miss Annre Sruart, and a decidedly hand- some y, too, who for some reason has a spite against Sindbad,tand gives her orders for his destruction —at least, so I believe, from what I could gather of her imperiously quick delivery; and, if I am mistaken, I humbly beg that Spirit of Evil’s pardon. Sindbad, however, finds a protector—at least I think so—but again I may be wrong; for it doesn’t seem a bit like the story of Sindbad, with which I was familiar long, long ago—mais nous avons changé tout cela —in the person of Cupid, the God of Love, who snldeny appears out of a most ingeniously-contrived bed of roses. Now if Cugid, or any other heathen ef ever nad cpay thing whatever to do with the Sindbad of our ¢ ifdhood, may I ridden to the death by Old Men of the Sea, and taken up in the air by the Great Roc! Miss Marre WILLIAMS, whose destiny at present seems to be to play Cupid—for she commenced in this character at the Royalty—capers, and sings as the God of Love, with any amount of life and ‘‘ go.” _ Si and others start off by boat, which being struck by lightning, goes to the bottom. En passant, the masks made by, I suppose, Messrs. Lapwart and Burpert, for Wind, Thunder, and Lightning, are capital,—an indeed this remark applies to all the masks in the Pantomime. And what is a Pantomime without masks, and the good old stolid, goggle- eye’d big heads? so patient, so philosophic, so uncomplaining in the most trying circumstances! We can better spare slim legs than big headsin a Pantomime. 4 bas les Lions Comiques! A bas les Chansons des Salles Musicales! Mais vivent les Tétes gigantesques et gro- tesques ! This should be the cry of the Salvation Pantomime Army —that is, if Pantomime is to be saved :— And shall old Pant’mime die ? And shall old Pant’mime die? Then fifteen thousand Big Head Men Will know the reason why! What an awful force for the storming of Drury Lane and Covent Garden! What a sight from the Era office at the corner of Welling- | 1 ton Street! How telegrams would be despatched from the scene of war to the Garrick Club every two minutes! and with what nervous anxiety would the members of that establishment await the arrival of the messengers ! Where are we now? At the bottom of the sea, where the fish are beautiful, specially the starfish. Here, the victims are brought to life again by Cupid—(hang Cupid as having anything to do with | B Sindbad !)—and, to the disgust of the Wicked Spirit, are all sent up see in a diving-bell. In this Scene the ballet is very pretty. Then there is a fair comic business scene between two of the comic singers, Mr. ARTHUR Wititams and Mr. Hrrsert Campsect, and a first- rate permyyL convulsively played by Master C. Laurr. Mr. Mac- DERMOTT, the well-known music-hall comic vocalist, sang “‘a new patriotic song,” but his one catch line, ‘‘ Do you know I could sum- mons you for that?” rather palled on me after the fifteenth repetition. Miss Annre Ross, as Zelika, does very little, but does it remark- ably well, and has the cleverness to look as though she could do a great deal more. Miss Fannre Lestre as Sindbad is to be con- gratulated on the marvellous ability she possesses of stamping out, or dancing down, the depressing effect of a song with the me Sa and a heavy burden too—of “ My Lady Fair.” By the way, the ’ chorus (words by CLEMENT TT, music by W. C. Levey), ** Golden Corn,” goes capitally, as does also ‘‘ Love's Garden,” by the same librettist and composer. As Hafiz, Miss Emmy Douncaw—“ Hear it not, Duncan, for *tis——” no compliment, but the truth—looked as handsome as—as —as usual, and Ak and Abed (good names these) looked and danced charmingly. But O Mr. Harnis (Caanves of that family)! 0 Mr. Atrrepd Tuompson! O Avauste & Co.! 10 Messrs. Garri! O ye Illuminators, Derates & Co., of Houndsditeh! O ye Jewellers of Paris, Lestanc AnD GRANGER, and Coantes Purusips, Jeweller of !—what shall I say of the Diamond Valley? Bring me my ries, bring me epithets of praise, bring me ions of the most t bring me several pres of tive super- latives, and then, if I ’em all up, amid a trumpel-flourish of the 1 notes of I cannot do more crown the edifice of Scene 8 with a banner bearin Colossal, Pyramidal ! And now for the Comie Scenes. Mr. Hanny Parwe is, as far as I have yet seen, the only Clown we’ve got with real fun in him. And however realistic we may become on the stage, there is one real thing peeling, in all our Pantomimes, and that is real fun. Mr. Payne has his intelligence, and the result is some genuine clowning,— some hearty, sly, wicked, humorous, saus ching, authority- defying, pantaloon-deceiving clowning. And there are tricks; not stupid, meaning’ affairs that never come to anything, ex as advertisements, and induce yewning, but tricks whic at themselves examples of simple mechanism applied to practical 0. es. Willingly would most of us spare some of the earlier portion of our now tedionsl spun-out i or the sake of a few really y novel scenes between Clown, Pantaloon, Swell, and. the’ Little ‘Boy (he's & pond little chap. at man, an sa ittle chap, at Covent Garden), who takes in y Pag Ay Surely, surely during the before the end of Au Mr. Paywe can have strung together a series of Scenes, not lasting more than a quarter of an hour, each full of practical jokes, and mechanical tricks, always rformed (as he contrives now) by the aid of Harlequin’s wand, all one in the course of the legitimate story of the Loves of Harle- = and Columbine during time of probation on this wicked antomime Earth. If the opening be some old familiar fairy tale, let it be clearly told. Then, after a brilliant Transformation Scene, let the char- acters of the opening change their costumes, as they used to do, and actually become the four principals of the Harlequinade. By the way, at Covent Garden, thank ness, there is not a double set of Pantomimists, but, for all that, Harlequin is represented as an unprincipled bigamist, with two Columbines. most grotesque and amusing of all the Pantomimes I have yet seen is Rokoko, at the pegee i Mr. Groner Conquest is marvellous as the Rock Fiend, funny as King Turnip, and more marvellous than ever as the weird and led old Tree. The scene where he and his son pursue the flying Fairy is watched with breath- less interest, and the trio are recalled by the heartiest applause, and greeted with cheers when they reappear, fagged and tired by their work but none the worse for wear. So much for the wonders of Rokoko. The dramatic interest is kept up by Mr. Groner Conquest as the Magician, in a thoroughly Robsonian- Y ellow-Dwarfian spirit, while the burlesque acting of . Harney Nicnoris, Mr. Hanny Mowxnovuse, and Mr. Henry Parken, is, in a broadly humorous way, as good. as anything I’ve seen in this particular line for some considerable time. The topical duett between Messrs. Nicnonis and Monxuovss tells immensely, their ‘scene where they bur- esque the “‘ D. T.” situation in Drink is first-rate, Miss Manie Lortus is a showy Prince, Miss Lir1an Apare a nice little Prin- cess, and Miss Minnre Such a sprightl King Moth. Mr.Groncn Conquest is to be congratulated on his ,Pantomime,—or, rather, on his Burlesque-Extravaganza, and its admirable exponents. At Sadler's Wells Mrs. Barzmaw gives us The Forty Thieves, and the Harlequinade having received the attention of Mr. Gronox led in the ** The Modern Grimaldi ”’—is exception- ally amusing, particularly the third scene, ‘‘ The Shadow Panto- mime,” which will delight crowds of youngsters, for whose special behoof there is a morning performance every Wednesday and Saturday until farther notice. I cannot well imagine a better of the Second Act of Ours at see a fault in it as far as the actors are concerned; though how such a forced and awkward contrivance as that of making g the words Succés Magnifique, formance on any stage than that Prince of Wales’s. I cannot Hugh Chalcot throw open the folding-doors for no ostensible pur- 6 EE AE IS act 8 fic oh a ae Bria is aa

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {January 17, 18£0. THE WEATHER AND THE CROPS. Young Farmer. Wwon’t iT?” Reprehensible Old Widower, “Don’t MENTION IT! THERE ALREADY!” ‘‘Nickt WARM RAIN—BRING THINGS OUT 0’ THE GROUND, I ’vz gor Two WIVES ONLY A PENNY A-PIECE! Mr. Puncu is writing on the Fortieth Anniversary of the introduction of Penny Postage. “In the year which immediately preceded its introduction, the total number of postal deliveries in the United Kingdom was 82,563,000. Last year the number reached the vast total of 1,536,790,000, or an increase of about eighteenfold.”’ _ Let our readers consider all that this implies —of transac- tions facilitated, business quickened, anxieties lightened, —~ \emm cords of love drawn closer, all over the world. Rowtanp Hitt never had his official due, though the respect and reverence of his coun en shed on his latter days the light which official prejudice and narrowness did all they could to exclude from his earlier a. d Subscriptions are now being raised for a Memorial to the man to whom England owes this great boon. Sir F. W. Truscort, Mayor, as active promoter of this Memorial, writes to urge the appeal, and Punch is glad to echo his urging,— ‘* Sir RowLanp Hix has recently died, and a grateful nation has accorded him burial in its greatest historical shrine— W est- minster Abbey. But such gratitude, it has been ow, should not stop here, and some lasting Memorial in a beneficent shape should, it is considered, mark blic sense of Sir RowLanp’s vast work. The Mansion House Committee, in whose name and at whose request I am writing, feel that this object can most usefully be achieved by the foundation of a Benevolent Fund for the succour of aged and distressed Post Office employés through- out the Kingdom and their widows and orphans. In proof of the necessity of such a fund, I may mention a few facts which may not be generally known.”’ Only let the’ recognition of RowLanp Hit1’s good work as wide as its benefit; only let everyone in the kingdom lay his one stamp on the grave of him to whom they owe that stamp and all its conveniences and the Lorp Mayor tells us £130,000 would be realised for an object, good in itself, and a tribute to the good work of a good man. It will be sad, as strange, if such an appeal do not receive an answer as world-wide as the blessing of Row anpd Hr11’s own fruitful and beneficent reform. Tue Furveer or Iratry.—In assuming the denomina- tion of Italia Irredenta, the Italian Nationalists enable their clerical adversaries to ask:—Where does unre- deemed Italy expect to go to? pose except to show a sort of theatrical wax-work tableau of Angus Mac Alister ns to Blanche Haye’s performance on the piano— to which she must literally have rushed after her farewell with Sir Alezander on the landing—could have been allowed to stand the test of Bancroftian rehearsals, surpasses my generally gigantic comprehension. But Ours was produced before the days of scientific rehearsal, and Tom Rosertson was bold in actors’ expedients, and knew how to carry his audience with a coup de thédtre, which would serve the purpose for the moment, but would not bear reflection. However, he gained his effect, and this is all he wanted. Excepting this Second Act, which is admirably dramatic—though so much being left tothe Actors, what would be its fate in second-rate hands ?—the piece, as a whole, is ill-constructed, the situations forced and unnatural, the quartettes of dialogue strained, and much that with further consideration might have been elevated into the noon of pure comedy, has been brought down to the level of mere arce On retiring from the Prince of Wales’s, and becoming lessees of the Haymarket, it is proposed to present the Bancrorrs with a public testimonial. The best public testimonial to Mr. and Mrs. Bancrort, on be- coming lessees of the Haymarket, will be a continuation, in their new establishment, of the appreciative patronage bestowed upon them in their old one. T ials in this electro-plated and gushing age are too common to be of much value. The proceeds of the first night’s performance at the Haymarket are to be given to the widow of the late Mr. Bucxstrowz. That the name of the Bulwer-Lyttonian Comedy Money, which inaugurates their new management may be a fair omen of wish of Your RepresentaTIve. P.S.—In my notice of the Alhambra last week I find I attributed to Signor Bucaosst much that should have been set down to M. JaconI, who has composed the music of the three ballets for Rotho- mago. future prosperity is the honest | to be SABBATARIAN SAVAGES AT “ THEIR CUSTOMS.” A DEPLORABLE want of breadth and strength in the construction of Tay Bridge seems, in the best of judgments yet expressed, likely to be found at the bottom of the terrible calamity that has so lately turned all English eyes and hearts sadly and sympathetically towards Dun- dee and its shattered viaduct. But of the material aspect of the disaster Mr. Punch has nothing to say. That is for scientific and practical experts, official or non-official. What Mr. Punch has to say concerns not the want of breadth or solidity in the piers of the Tay Bridge, but the narrowness and weakness of the bigotry with which the disaster has been “* improved,” on the ground that the train it befel was travelling on a Sunday. Such comments, happily, have been confined, it is to be hoped, toa very small section of the Kirk, Established or Free. One of these self-sufficient judges of judgments, and complacent dealers out of denunciations, converting the awful catastrophe triumphantly to the account of his own black and bitter creed—in which the Almight figures as a sort of Ashantee Fetish, to be propitiated by death an destruction—has no hesitation in putting his finger on its te cause. Referring to the imprisoned passengers—men, women, and little children—many of them known to have been on their way to or from errands of friendship, mercy, = family affection—he asks whether it was not ‘ awful to think ‘“‘ They had been carried away when many of them must have known that they were transgressing the law of God.” It might do this gentleman some good to reflect that it is possible ‘carried away” in another fashion, and to transgress a great law of God—‘‘ Judge not that) ye be not judged” in a more ques- tionable manner. To see the professing minister of a religion, of whose virtues one of its leading yy has declared charity the swept off his narrow line of literal sectarianism in a hurricane o bitter bigotry, is suggestive of reflections which, if not exactly ** awful,” -are neither agreeable nor edifying.

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January 17, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 23 ) H | i ANAM Cn by hy) ‘ “tn” —a =, THE SNUB LEONINE. (At Mrs. Lyon Hunter’s.) Lion No. 1 (timidly), ‘‘1—a—tTuink I HAD THE PLEASURE OF MEETING YOU AT Sir Goroius Mipas’s, at DINNER, LAST WEEK!” Lion No. 2. ‘‘ AH—I pessay. I’M VERY BAD AT RECOLLECTING Faces,” Lion No. 1 (with pardonable pride), ‘‘My Name 18 RAanpotpH Bonwauy Witxins!” Lion No. 2. ‘‘AH—INDEED! I’VE A WRETCHED MEMORY FOR NamEs!”? [NV.B.—Lion No, 2 is no less a person than J. Robinson, who is said to have penetrated twenty-three miles further into the interior of Australia than any other man, and has got to believe that he is the Original Discoverer of that Continent, Disgust and lack of space combine to cut short Punch’s comment on this, the saddest sequel of a most sad catastrophe. He will only quote one last lurid flash of presumption from a Dundee pulpit :— “Tf there was one voice louder than others in this terrible event it was that of God, determined to guard his Sabbath with jealous care.’’ Mr. Punch can scarcely call attention with patience to profanity like this. _ To say nothing of the fact that the Sabbath is an exclusively Jewish institu- tion, as different in date as in spirit from the Christian’s first day of the week, the spirit of this sentence is as savagely Jewish as the name it misapplies. hen Scotch or English begin to take in the fact, that the stern and sour sanctity of the day they have been wont to hear so miscalled by the free school of denunciatory divines, needs a ‘jealous guardianship” by such means as this, its days are surely numbered. Mr. Punch need hardly say that he, for one, will be happy to count them ; feeling convinced that the time when such a “Sabbath” as this is known no more among men will be a good time for Christian charity as for the happiness of hanee-Met Martyrs and Others. A PETITION is said to have been lately presented to the Pore by the “ Catholic Union of Great Britain,” praying for the ‘‘ canonisation of the English Martyrs,” in the reign of Henzy THe Eicuta and one hundred and fifty years after. What His Holiness say to this? Lumen in Colo, as an enlightened Pontiff, could of course Sir Txomas More from Guy Fawxes, but might hesitate in some less well-marked cases to draw the line between sufferers for conscience (Being a Protest from a Plain Person against the Abuse sake, and for politics. Perhaps, therefore, the best reply of His Holiness to the request of his petitioners will be Non possumus. THE PLAGUE OF PARROTS, Epigram.) Your epigram, doubtless, is all very fine But I fancy ’tis often more dazzle pen shine ; And to boobies who flounder in Sophistry’s bog, A Will o’ the Wisp may prove worse than a fog. Yet let Wit have its due; close-packed truth plus a t Makes a finger-post fair for a world out of joint; And portable wisdom like pemmican food Is remarkably handy—so long as it’s good. But, alas! for Wit’s work, when its cunningest phrases Are caught by the Parrots! Of all modern crazes The craze for mere catchwords is sure the most teasing ; When, dinned in our ears with persistence unpleasing, They fall on the soul with as ghastly a shock, As , & 7 anaeenenes grinding of ‘‘ Grandfather’ s A plague on all Parrots! With Dickens I'd say, They he more mischievous fowls than your right birds of prey ; The lative’ perhaps, one may hope to escape, But your genuine Parrot wears Protean shape, Whose ubiquitous presence no man may avoid. Mr. Punch, for long months I’ve m irked and anno By a vile of , scarce food for laughter— ** An Englishman first, and a Party-man after! !” I declare, Sir, that phrase, none too sage at the best, Has ruffled my temper and broken my rest, Till, like some absurd piece of Pinafore patter, The sound of it drives me as mad as a hatter. ’Tis a vile phrase-of-all-work to cover gross 8, To excuse sheer assumptions and mask dirty deeds— ’Tis a jibe ever handy to hurl at the wretch Who’s unable the big name of “‘ Briton” to stretch Till it ’s found co-extensive with ethics’ whole code— Which, if J can manage, dear Punch, I'll be blowed. An Englishman First,—that’s the sine qud non That the Parrots ne’er tire of insisting upon. An Englishman first,—when the name, in their mouth, Means as selfish a dog as east, west, north, or south, You are likely to find—which, ’tis bluntl y avowed Is a thought to make all true-blue patriots proud. An Englishman first,—after which,—if you can,— You may be just and honest—in fact be a man ; Nay, you’re free e’en to yield an allegiance heart To conscience-held claims though they’re ticketed “ rt Lt ’ Now Im biunt, my dear Punch, and make bold to proclaim, That I don’t care one snap for ‘‘An Englishman’s”’ name,— Nay, hold it the veriest 1 of disgrace,— When it covers injustice and false pride of race. I wi avow, though wild patriots shriek, That the ends which by means of my “‘ party” I seek, Are the ends I hold English and honest, and therefore Those alone I—as Briton or party-man—care for. For a. who’d stand square, fair, to neither term eaning, The hackneyed antithesis scarce has a meaning: The phrase has its uses, but parrotdom’s glosses Have made it a pest. Wit an epigram tosses From the tongue, which the sinister sophist will snap, And use as his cunningest species of trap. For me, if the formula must be maintained, And if aught by its shape antithetical’s gained, I would boldly proclaim —spite of lash or of laughter,— I’m honest man first and an Englishman after ! Making One’s Mouth Water. _ THE Times has been publishing some interesting statis- tics by Dr. Reyen, in an Etats mining journal, on the su rst of “ Straits tin,” which has its it in the Banea Islands. All this is very interesting, Jouw Bui knows little of tin in the Straits, but he knows a great deal too much of straits inthe Tin. If he could havein- formation how to get out of the Straits and into the Tin he would be much obliged to Dr. Rever. How he would enjoy a run on the Banca Islands, with liberty unlimited to draw on their deposits! EM A ie

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| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 17, 1880, CONFIDENTIAL. NARROW, red-covered dispatch-box, lettered “ H, M. Treasury— Con ial,” has lately been left at 85, Fleet Street, Mr. Punch presumes, by i) mistake, containing the fol- lowing correspondence, which he publishes. and addresses are sup- pressed, for obvious reasons, as the writers may wish to reclaim their letters; and this is his only wa of com- munication with them :— I. My pear Eart or Bra- CONSFIELD, You may remember B that at our last poe when you were kind enou > address = —— y d separately, you said you */ would be happy to receive our suggestions forthe Royal h. It may be that you did not address your re- marks personally to me ; but that ie may not be the shadow of an excuse for a mistake, allow me to remind you of the agreement made between us u my accepting the F.0. You have, I presume, requested Lord CranBRooxk to submit any Indian paragraphs he may think of suggesting to me for revision, as per agreement. With kind regards to Mr, Corry, I remain, Yours, most sincerely, (Signed) II. Dear Lord BEACONSFIELD OF course I would only be too happy to obey a Chief to whom I owe so much. As I have already told you, I like the House of Lords | very much. The occasions for effective speaking are not frequent, it is true; but the position is dignified, and its re agreeable. I wish I could say as much of the Office. But ly the Marquis is so very arbitrary. Besides, I cannot sit down for five minutes of quiet work, but I am sure to be interrupted by some suggestion, | hastily knocked off, and telegraphed to me by that self-satisfied bore Lyrrow. Exeuse me if the word is not Parliamentary, I have always felt that poets are not the stuff out of which to make Vice- roys. However, | wish to do my best. Gratefully yours, (Signed) P.S.—The Marquis has just sent round to say that it is your wish that I should submit to him any Indian paragraph I may suggest ! I should be glad to know in plain terms—have I succeeded that noble Lord at the India Office or have I not? Extremely sorry to have to put such a question to one to whom I owe so much, but there | are cases in which even a worm will turn. Ill, My Dear Lorn, I sHaLt be most happy to attend to your esteemed favour. I think my paragraph will Artillery, and the new breach-loading arrangements. I have given my anaavies attention to this important subject for the last six months. I really don’t think the Pall Mall articles worth answering. The are always | eae at something, and I fancy they have been a A fering in their circulation. If so, it may account for their bad temper. With the kindest remembrances from all the other Lords, Believe my dear Lord, yours most respectfully, (Signed) P.8.—I should like to have made a sarcastic allusion to Dr. AnTHUR SuLLivaN, Sir Josepn Porter, and H.M.S. Pinafore ; but some of the sea Lords think that such a course would be undignified. As they know hd py deal more about the feeling of the Service than I can be expected to do, I have no doubt they are right, and so have avoided any such reference of the kind, though I think I could have given it to those impertinent Gaiety fellows hot and strong. something about the Royal Marine | the Iv. Mr rs ca BEACONSFIELD, . plac : am doing my utmost to carry out your ion.” imagine my h will have the effect of a complimentary allu- sion to the London School Board. I am afraid Dittwyw has spoilt that notion about the Lunacy Laws. Ridiculum acri Fortius et me- lius magnas plerumque secat res! Yours most truly, (Signed) P.S.—I have sent to the Arrorwey-GENERAL, but in aletter signed “ Jack,” pe fate me “‘ he has no time toattend to private business!” Names | So like him v. My Dear Lonp Braconsrretp. I nave spoken to the Duke, he is under the impression that a -turned raph, to effect that ‘‘The British Army can, might, would, should. and ought to go anywhere and to do everything,” is the sort of article you want from Pall Mall. Cedant arma toge ! As I am more up —_——e Mercurio, pray own words. If my brother were , | have no doubt Yours truly, (Signed) atom s¢ it in your would wish to be remembered to you, P.S.—I did think of saying something about “‘ the Army Reserve Officers,” but since the scheme has been oled most of the candidates for commissions have fren too to qualify. By the way, must Sir Garwet be sent to India? Our fellows don’t like it a bit! These ‘* bucksticks” are really coming it too strong! VI. My very Dear Lorp BEraconsFIenp, ver since my little speech about the Licensed Victuallers at Exeter, and my Penn a at Py I have been hard at work upon the Budget. It is y no joke this time. I am afraid, unless I stick to it night and day, and allow nothing to distract me, I shall not be able to make even a decent job of it by Easter. On the whole, I think the less said in the about Finance the better. Yours, in great haste, (Signed) P.S.—We pe go on letting deficits accumulate ad infinitum ; and I am afraid the people out-of-doors are getting tired of the ‘‘ dot and carry one” system. By the way, don’t you think it might be well to have, say, half a million copies of my refutation of Grapsrone’s figures printed by the Queen’s Printers, and circulated gratis among our own people ? Would this be a fair appropriation of the S. 8. M. ? Schools and School-Masters. * Professor Mortey and his friends have determined to make a practical start of a Dramatic School. Premises have been engaged in Regent Street, and Mr, CHaRLes Harcourt appointed Secretary.’’—News of the Day. Start a Dramatic School? ’Tis well. We’ ve waited for it a long spell— Feros mollire mores. Then, Morey, think not Punch is rude, If one grave question he intrude,— = Docebit quis Doctores ? h Following Suit. Ir is announced that ‘‘ the Bishop of Lonpon has signed letters of request to the Dean of Arches Court of Canterbury, in a fresh suit ainst the Rey. A. H. Mackonocure, Incumbent of St. Alban’s, olborn.”” Mr. MackonocHIE, on one hand, persists in the wearing forbidden vestments, and the Bishop of Lonpon, on the other, orders another suit. When will the suits finally prevail over vestments ? Malleus Malefactorum. (On the appointment of J. 8. Mavz, Q.C., as Director of Public Prosecutions.) Lorp Carens decrees that Q.C. Maviz, Our crime to Themis’ Bar shall haul, And smite it hip and thigh ; Go on, my MAvutz, deserve thy name, ‘* Hammer and tongs’’ on felons’ game Come down, till crushed it lie! A NEW YEAR’S WISH. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, in his speech at Birmingham the other day compared the Ministerial misfortunes to the numbers of serial stories, each of which ends always—‘‘ to be continued in our next” ! Let us hope the Ministry may not be like its misfortunes—* con- 1 tinued in our next’’—i.e., in 1881. S@ To Conzzsrowpuwts.—The Bditor does not hold hi:nself bound to ac: knowledge, return, stamped and directed envelope or pay for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by @ Copiss should be bept

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January 24, 1880.] CHARIVARL 25 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 04 WV, AG Us Y Myf? I i agytety) la 1177 TT " AN AGGRAVATING TEUTON, O’ Reilly (im the heat of a@ political discussion), *‘THE FACT 18, SORR, ALL YOU GERMANS ARE PRIgs, REGULAR PRigs/” Herr Miller, “*Ja wont! ALL ve CHERMANS ARE PRicKs, RECULAR Pricks/” OReilly. “1 saip Prigs, Sonr—wvot Bricks/” Herr Miller, *‘1 nar Ears, My Verest! You samp Bricks, oF couRsE— not Prigs.” O’ Reilly, ** Prigs, Sonn! PiG-HEADED, COULD-HEARTED Prics/’’ Herr Miller. ‘Ja wont! Bic-HEADED, GOLD-HEARTED Bricks!” O'Reilly. *‘ An! Ger ovT wip YE! YE’RE PAst Praying vor!” Herr Miller. ‘“‘Zun vy po you Go on Bravine, M¥ Vurrwr?” [Exit O Reilly foaming at the mouth, Herr Miiller chuckles for the rest of the day. OUT OF THE LION’S MOUTH. Frrenp Ponca, WE are told about three hundred times a year that we occupy the centre of the finest site in Europe. This may or may not be. As our look-out is bounded by the National Gallery on the north, Northumberland Avenue on the south, Mortey’s Hotel on the east, and the Union Club on the west, and we cannot change our point of view, we have no sufficient means of verifying this very current, but not self-evident, statement. But one thing we do know. The finest site in Europe, as far as we can see it, is one of the dirtiest and dreariest sights in London. Strings of omnibuses, east and west, north and south, halt within earshot of us, to take up and set down. I wish you could only hear them taking up the subject and setting down Trafalgar Square! Please, Punch, do us r Lions one more good turn. You have got usa few trees planted, though, it must be owned, that like the workhouse girl’s baby, ‘‘they are very little ones.’ Some day you may get our street-names painted on the street-lamps. But as we don’t go out to dinner, that won’t be so much a comfort to us as to more moveable feasters. But we Lions have big appetites; acknowledging all we owe you, like Oliver Twist, we venture to ask for more. Can’t you do anything for our fountains? You used to peg away at them in the old days, and I daresay flattered yourself you had purified as well as increased their water supply, while blackening their jets week after week. Not a bitof it. There may be an Artesian well still in tap, but I believe the under- ground connection with the Saint Martin’s wash-houses is as active as ever. yse our waters—for quantity and quality— by your own observation, Sir—; more trustworthy than any chemical analysis by a long chalk. What do —. observable in the water, except on the theory of too close a connection with the yellow soap of Saint Martin’s ? bey ae What, does that suggest so obviously as excepted—including the Admiral, whom we can still look up to, ~~ the more we look up the more we can’t see 0 are, Sir, but are they any the better for that? Look at and of George the Fourth’s by way of a concession to the ideclists, and a ek decide which is the ugliest? As pacer 4 is worse than ugliness, we strike Then look atthe steam that hangs over those basins in laun Again, there are the statues—our noble selves always may say the statuesare anold story. So they Third’s wig, by way of a sop to the realists; balance against George the Fourth—that balance which he looks as if he could not strike for himself in stone after death, any more than he could in flesh and blood during life. There he stands, lopeided, in one corner the finest site, calling in vain on St. Martin to divide is cloak with him—poor beggar! and so hide the naked- ness of his legs. there are Havelock and Napier, two British Lions on two as dark and dingy as we twice as British I recumbent on four. And there’s es the First, with the sparrows taking cavalier liberties with his love-locks, calling in vain for that eaning up which has been lately vouchsafed to much blacker sovereigns. Why isn’t Mr. Fxoupe set to work on him Se oe of the Cape Colonies, We'll be bound he would make a better job of it. Perhaps, in spite of his native brass, the martyr-monarch is afraid of at- Sractiag to higasts pore of the flattering attention of that great re-writer of history, W. G. WILLs. Then look at the pavement! It is simply disgraceful. In wet weather we sit in a sea of slop, altogether out of keeps with leonine constitutions; in dry, we are in a mixture of granite and coal-dust, blacker and more biting than that of the Sahara. Why should we not be blessed with flower-beds under our noses. like our living congeners at the Zoo? Why not get the Office of Works to our Places, as we do our Plays, from the French make the stony squares of London— not the West- oases—as bright and blooming as the of Paris, East and West ? "Neleon, ] am sure, would be as ready to take French hints on this point from his present elevation at the mast-head, as to take French ships from his life’s, post on the quarter-deck. But 1 must bring my growl toa halt, for here comes a foul and frowsy mob of ragamuflins, headed by its cracked orators, and p by its equally cracked brass band, to spout about us, and, worse indignity still, to sit upon our backs, and dishonour our bronze with expectoration and orange-peel. It’s too bad that Nelson should be forced to look down on such desecration of the flags of Trafalgar (Square). ile you are putting down nuisances, suppose you put down that! With best wishes for the New Year, Believe me, dear Punch, always yours (whatever the Pall Mali may say), Tue Bririsu Lion. (For self and partners.) From our pedestals round the Nelson Column, Jan., 1880, A Civic Curiosity. WE extract this remarkable advertisement from that seapeetanne local print the Jlackney and Kingsland Gazette :— URNISHED APARTMENTS. — Suitable for a City Gentleman with folding doors.— Address, &c, We have many of us seen or read of the Siamese Twins, and the Two-headed Nightingale, and heard of, if not seen, the still earlier and more interesting case of the Canadian with a hole in his stomach, through which the processes of digestion could be observed and experi- mented on; we all of us porbebly have heard portly persons described as Gents with ‘‘ Bow Windows’’—but ‘aCity Gent with folding doors” is a phenomenon as yet unrecorded. One finds oneself wondering how the apartments can be furnished s0 as to be suitable to such you find? First—for colour. How do you account for the bilious greenish hue a lusus nature. VOL. LXXVIII, D

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 24, 1280,

Yy | ¢ / / : Saag Mis (Apnea URS ; stil will Sees algilts |! eae J I Abit > at? ie NE ' - ‘ if oH ri\\ |, os me ea Wie qs -~~—i k eo pein! Gh ; 4. <— AY ae awe 3.6 yy. WAY \\ x \\\ Var EY -SAWRVONaAWE VAN. CEL “PEGGING AWAY,” 3uT A Harp Husk To Gar THroves.

SIR ROWLAND HILL AND HIS MEMORIAL. | dren also, and if you co Dear Mr. Ponca, comfort to a woman who has lost her husband to part with her chil- d persuade the offici managers of the

| grave, till I hear what is to be done with the Fun | with joy, and almost prefer a I am so fond of ing an envelope that I hail a receipt ill to the absence of the postman’s knock. Under these circumstances what do I not owe to the great Sir Rowranp! But Iam waiting to lay my postage-stamp on his i If it is to be| spent according to time-honoured British custom, nearly 40 per cent. will be taken up with managing theremainder. The residue will be om partly on a big house wherein the widows of post-office officials shall lead weary, if genteel, lives apart from their relations, and | | under sundry restrictions, probably rather trying to those who have |

been used to their own way; and the rest of the money will go to| support another big establishment to which orphan children will be sent. Now, dear Mr. Punch, I cannot feel certain that it is aleays a fund to avoid bricks and mortar, and to spend it on pensions’ to widows, allowing them to keep their children at home and educate them as they like, it would, I think, commend itself to more givers. Yours, dear Mr. Punch, most respectfully, An Apmrrer oF Str Rowranp Hitt. [Punch quite”agrees with his correspondent. He has received several letters asking how the payment of a stamp-a-piece is to be made. At every Post-office let a box be ae up for the purpose, into which stamps may be paid ; let the box be cleared once a week, and the amount remitted to the Lonp Mayor.) ==

From tHe Gazette (New je aaam Sense v, War Correspondents’ Rules superseded.

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Jaxuary 24, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. vi f li \\ GRAM Invalid, ““Il vg HAD A WRETCHED Nicut, Mrs. Worsies.” Invalid (with a groan). ‘‘ On, Mrs. Woxnsies, DO UsE THE ADVERB A BISHOP FORGETTING HIMSELF. To Mr. Ponca, Str, é I nave long felt that Dr. Fraser, the Bishop of Manchester, was a highly dangerous person. He is always forgetting his position, and doing or saying something of a levelling and eccentric, if not an indecorous and even dangerous kind. One is constantly reading in the papers of his attending meetings at theatres, and club-rooms, and Mechanics’ Institutes, and other haunts of the lower orders of an equally unconsecrated character, and making himself hail-fellow- well-met with the working men and other low persons whom he encounters at such places. f course, one understands at once that a Bishop of Manchester is in a difficult position. He must associate with manufacturers and mill-owners, and even tradesmen, and can hardly be expected in -_ company to keep up a proper sense of what belongs to his posi- Still, I did not think that this degradation would have reached Dr. Frasxr’s domestic and family arrangements. I supposed that the man must behave like a Bishop at home, however he might com- port himself in public. I grieve to find that I have been mistaken. Anything more indecent, for a Bishop, than his marriage as de- scribed in the papers I never heard of. In the first place, instead of Westminster Abbey, or St. Martin’s, or St. George’s, Hanover Square, at least—or some other of what may be ed the comme-1i-faué marriage-churches, ‘his marriage came off at a common-place little district church in Onslow Gar- dens, that nobody ever heard of. The ceremony seems to have been sneaked » 28 if everybody was ashamed of what was going on, or rather, coming off. “The chureh at which the ceremony was to take place was unknown to all but the Bishop’s most intimate tiende until a few hours before the time for which it was fixed, and the friends of the bride and bridegroom who were present numbered net more than « dozen.” —S= \) \\\ \\ \ \\ \ 1 = = ae SS ————— \ \N — \\\\ ‘ \\ \ \ \\ ~ ~ ‘ \ WARS Son WAY AY AAT \ “\ WN \YY \\\ \ \ WN aR MAR! \*\\ WALA \ \ \ \ \\ \\ \\ Nurse. ‘‘Dean, DEAR ME, Srr! I THOUGHT You SLEP’ MOST COMFORTABLE! ”’ 1” Nurse. ‘‘Yus, Sin, 1’Lt Ske ABOUT IT DIRECTLY, Sin,—BuT ”—(puzzled)—“I REELY DON’T THINK THERE’S ONE IN THE ’OvsE, Sin! !” Did you ever hear of such doings? It is true there was a Dean to read the marriage-service, but then it was Dean StanLeyY—so Broad and Low Church that it might almost as well have been Mr. Srux- Gron, or Dr. Jabez Inwanps. The clergy who assisted him were worthy of such Po ie cave : They were actually a couple of Curates ! I must say I such behaviour in a Bishop absolutely indecent! And the rest was of a piece. There was no musical service. The Bride was in plain silver- Se satin—just like a Quakeress—and seems to have had only one ridesmaid, if any. After the ‘‘ ceremony’’—ceremony, indeed!—the Dean ‘ sub- stituted for the exhortation a private address to the Bishop and his Bride” of the most latitudinarian character. ** He felicitated them on their position as parties to a happy Christian marriage, spoke of the day as a long-expected one which had como at last, and congratulated them on the fact that from many hearts of absent friends prayers were being offered for their future happiness.”’ Did you ever read anything so loose and broad? And from a Dean toa Bishop! It more than makes one blush. It is enough to make one shudder. And this precious wedding-party seem to have ended the {cere- mony as they be it—going back to a plain breakfast at the house of some nobody or other, and starting for Torquay by the afternoon train. I shouldn’t wonder if they took a cab,from where they breakfasted to the railway. In fact, there does not seem to have been a person of family or position mixed up in the affair from first to last. Of course we can’t so much wonder at that, considering the sad way the Bishop has mixed himself up with the lower orders. But he 16 a Bishop, and one must grieve when a person of his dass son ealing, Goes only in a manufacturing district, can so lamentably forget I remain, Sir, your humble servant, Oxu woo Never Forcets Hexsery. i if Hy ie + 4] i i

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HINTS FOR A NEW AND ORIGINAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. Cuaptrer IV, Further Suggestions — Lay Figures — Characters — Expression — Explanation—Lecturer—Illustrator —Scene — Question— Reply — Example—Theory—Practice— Barnesanian Lecture— General Notes — Position—Study—Small Part—Importance—Conscien- tiousness —Considerations— Model Examination Paper. THERE are various ways of lowing illustrations will save iving a Dramatic Lecture, The fol- detailed description. The Leeture- Room is supplied with platform, table, and dress- ing- table as seen , insectional draw- in ing No. 2. The Lectuter pe (to music), reap- ing in charac- er would be limited to solilo-

quies. The subject MA) «should be ‘* Ham- \ let as a solilo- quiser.”’ Ano- The Shakspearian Lecturer The Lecturer disappearing er, “* Falstaff as addréssing hia Class :— as himself, previous to a soliloquiser. 4 ** | will now appear before reappearing as Hamlet. And ere will you as Hamiet.”’ lan s elevation of be obvious, at Platform, steps of descent, once, the immense dressing-table, $e: advantages of a : resident Ventrilo- ive scenes between three or more charaeters, whose costume and action could be shown by “ practi- cable” lay-figures. The only objection to a ‘‘ Lay-figure” would come from some clerical member of the Church and Stage Guild.

quist Professor, who could

Lectures illustrated by Working Models (or Lay Figures)— Lady Macbeth and Macbeth. This is simply an adaptation of the plan pursued in our Art schools before the pupils are sufficiently advanced to be permitted to study from the Living Model. A Lecture on the Living Model would, of course, be highly in- teresting. Take, for example, Mr. Invine as Mathias in the Bells, or as Duboseq in the Courier of Lyons. This eminent actor would go through an entire scene in company with other less eminent actors. Then one method would be, for any student, at any part of the performance, to jump up, stop the tragedian, and referring to some particular action, ask,—*‘ Please, Sir, why did you do that ?” Say, for example, that it is when Dubdoscq is on the ground, in the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 24, 1880.

last act, Mihing up his heels in}the air. The student would inquire the meaning of such an action, and then Mr. Irvine, as practical lecturer, would give him a careful analysis of Duboscq’s character showing how, for such a person in such a situation, kicking up behind and before would be the most natural thing in the world. _ Or, for example, when as Louis XI., he makes hideous grimaces at the little figures in his hat, a student would naturally stop him to inquire the exact meaning of each of these facial contortions, and the explanation of them all collectively. This would draw from the eminent artist a clear, concise, yet eloquent statement concerning the kind of facial contortions, physiognomical expressions, as distinct from what is technically termed “ mugging,” which would come natural to such a character as Louis XJ., in such a situation, with such a hat, Another mode of lecturing would be for a Heaven-born lecturer like Mr. Pavirow to stand at the side, while Mr. Invi, as illus- trator, was performing, and answer all inquiries. In such a case no appeal would be allowed from the lecturer to the illustrator. For instance, in the scene with his mother, when the Lyceum Hamlet used to point at nothing in the air and say, ‘“‘ Look at this mre and on this.” An interruption could naturally occur, oi— Student (in the body of the room seated on the fifth form, suddenly joy Porn extending his hand). Please, Sir-——. (Zo Mr. Paviton, the Lecturer). Please, Sit —— r. Paulton (to Mr, Invine). Have the goodness to minute, a student wishes to ask a question. (Zo student.) Sir ! Student. Please, Sir, why does Hamlet stretch out his arms like that, Sir, and point to nothing. natural one, and I had an- one ow, r. Paulton. Your question is a ve ticipated this inquiry. You must understand that every room has at least four walls. Now three walls being represented by the ** flats” and the “‘ wings,” the third is supposed to be down, or else how could the audience see what is gomg on im the palace? (Ap- plause. Hamlet is about to resume, but is by Lecturer.) One moment. Now on this other wall may well y to hang the two portraits to which the Prince wishes to et his mother’s attention. Thoughtful Student. But Sir —— Mr. Paulton. Yes, Sir. Thoughtful Student. Lf the wall is down on it, then the pictures are down too, and mother could see them. Mr. Paulton. Your objection, Sir, is a very natural one. ‘and if the pictures are neither Hamlet nor his You must further suppose that these pictures hang one on each side of a window in the wall, a large open window with the blind up, through 3 which the audience are able to see what is going on within the palace, The Dramatic Student must always remember that, as an actor, heis ‘‘ observed” but at the same time he must play as our eminent illustrator is now doin just as though the wall were there and not the audience. (Great ap- lause. To Mr. Irvine.) You may now, Sir, con- tinue your illustration. In another room I will suppose that a Lecture on General Dramatic Study is being delivered. It would ~

the reception, which he will receive from the students, he may be supposed to address them thus :— GENTLEMEN,—The Stage requires men of commanding presence.

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ewwohtli ww eS *

January 24, 1880.]

The man who can look well, speak well, and measure fifty-eight inches round—ahemtbe chest—is one who has been qualified by nature for ‘* the Lead” in every line of the Drama. In fact he can have every line to himself, and no line without a palpable point in it. SHAKSPEARE, the inspired WiiL1AmM, who was not for an age but for every os till further notice from eight till eleven, an doors open at seven—SHAKSsPEARE, I say, set his face against a lean man. His heroes D ree ont that is, 17 -poohed your and as good as abolished you. True GLapstoneE still backs you, but he doesn’t count ; He’s a frump like youreail, and as mad as a hatter. Could a Bismakcx make way, or a BEACONSFIELD mount, Did he take, dear Dame Durden, your view of the matter ? No, Pike Country choice—that’s to shoot or be shot— s the only alternative now between Nations ; And pice ten fire, whether fairly or not, __ Is the aim of each Statesman’s profound cogitations. Telling lies may look wrong, but ’tis venial quite ; If a country foes it must be done or do’em, A necessity quite beyond strict rules of right, And punctilious notions of meum and tuum. Since Empire ’s a huge game of grab, he must win Who can snatch most adroitly, bamboozle and blind most ; ings that doubtless to you appear sin i Are laws of the game, which is ‘‘ deuce take the hindmost,” In sermons and speeches they sound vastly fine, Your doctrinaire maxims and dim generalities, But England would soon see her Empire decline If restrained in her ways by such baby banalities. Strong enough to be just? Safe enough to be ruled By an earnest desire, at the least, to act rightly ? Pure bosh! We should simply be hoodwinked and fooled, Bowed out of our hard-won ions politely ; Other nations are all such dashed robbers—at least, If where morals don’t hold one may talk about robbery— Just apply your fine rule to affairs in the East, And imagine the end of that blessed old bobbery ! On the old Savage law as between man and man We’ve improved); but as Nations we still are barbarians, Ros Roy our exemplar whose excellent plan Holds good, in despite of the humanitarians : = - Culture confirms it, the Pall Mail poop-poohs e attempt by religion or justice to better it ; Holding e’en British Strength in the end sure to lose, If we let mere morality hamper and fetter it. So, Madam, pray have the good sense to get out, The kindness to hold yourself silenced and sat on ; There ’s a limited realm you may rule in, no doubt ; fat 0Se RREEE Ot go as otione w fat on. * Do as we’d be done by,” means really, ‘‘ Be done By those we won’t do,” out of poor Serupulosity ; Of such one-sided virtue BuLL can’t see the fun : ‘ the game ’s grab all round, he prefers reciprocity!

Svcersten New Nawe for a Destructive Sevatrve.—More fear! Se RL ee ee IT,»

ars

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YON CHARIVARLI. [January 24, 18°0.

ee 2 ee ee a . y eand BATES, 8 . 0 = > eae MRS. PONSONBY DE TOMKINS’S “DAY AT HOME.” REALLY FEELING QUITE DESERTED, AND——” Footman. *‘Mns. MacHAauuisrer !”’ THINK TO SET EYES ON ME THE DAY, MY Bonnigz Barxniz! and loses all presence of mind. or Loxp Frxssury’s Scotca BAILirr, IT 8sEEMS. Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkins. ‘‘So GooD OF YOU TO TAKE PITY ON U8, DucHESs! AND you TOO, DEAR Lipy ADELINE! What the Duchess said to Lady Adeline, driving home :—“ Nick Motuerty Person THat Mrs. MacAuisTEr ! WE WERE Mrs. MacAlister (an Aunt of Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkins's—quite unexpected, and by no means a person of fashion). ‘‘HzroH! YE DIDNA AND HOO ’s A’ WI’ YE AND THE GUIDMAN, LassiE?”’ [Sits down, and makes herself quite at home. Stunned by the awful apparition, Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkins mentally ejaculates, ‘‘On Heavens! WHAT WILL THE DvucHEss THINK?” Sue ’s THE WiFE I’p no 1pkEA Mas. TomMKINS HAD suCH RESPECTABLE CoNNECTIONS !”’

WOMAN’S NEW WALK. Dear Mr. Puncn, Your sympathetic imagination may possibly enable you to conceive the intense pain I experienced on perusing those epemanes which lately appeared in the 7imes of the imposture unmasked by Sir T. Strwett and Herr Von Buscn, at the National Association of Spiritualists, in ‘‘ Catching a Spirit ”’—*‘ materialised ” in a frau- dulent Medium. Oh, how distressing and humiliating it is to think that one belongs to the same sex with such a person ! Oh, to think that she should have palmed herself off as a being of the Spirit World on a professor of no less eminence in the world of science than Mr. Crooxgs, the distinguished Chemist ! _ But only consider, to have succeeded in taking in an experimenta- | list so careful, so sharp, and so practised, as Mr. Crookes is known to be, what an extremely clever as well as deceitful a thing that dis- | honest Medium must have been ! It seems that she is not the only one so clever and so deceitful. Several others have been likewise found out, but they had gone on a long time first. And, it seems, from what a member of the Spiritual Association says, that there are Mediums who, though to all appear- | ance inextricably tied, contrive to undo the most intricate fastenings in the dark, nobody knows how. If the abilities they thus abuse had been applied to the acquire- | ment of dexterity in | emain, these Mediums might now be getting an honest living by sleight of hand. len’t it remarkable that although many, if not most, Mediums are women, never—or hardly ever—has any member of our sex yet

appeared in public as a performer in the conjuring line? Why should men continue to monopolise that once, when our erring sisters, the Mediums, able, as they have o: shown themselves, to impose on philosophers, must be so highly qualified for it ? A female conjuror would certainly be a novelty, and ought to be sure, with the abilities of a Medium, to command success. There, now, is a capacity in which Woman is both yy, and at liberty to com- pete with Man. Why shouldn’t there “Witches” as well as ‘ Wizards” of the North, South, East, or West? If the Medium who has so cleverly hoaxed the Association of Spiritualists and Mr. CROOKES, seeing the errors of her ways, would only come out as a rival to Dr. Lyyn, she might ~ redeem her reputation, and refute the cynical saying of satirical men that Women are no Conjurors. Why not feminine, equal to Masketyne and Cooke? Believe me ever, dear Mr. Punch, your affectionate Se ROR. P.8.—Or, perhaps, the Medium who has been detected would, for a reasonable remuneration, be willing to explain the way she unties herself. Society, I dare say, would give somethin g to it is done.” ow ** how A New Year’s Cracker. Srmr Vernon Hanrcovrtr ing, at Oxford, on the Turkish policy, protested he was ‘‘no friend toIslam.” Naturally not. Two of a trade never agree, and Sir VeRwon has occasionally shown himself a False Prophet. How about his latest ‘‘ tip” for the ‘‘ first day of next Session being the last of the BeaconsrizLp Administration ” ? Nous verrons.

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January 24, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 33 DRAMATIC INFANT-SCHOOLS. and writing about Dramatic Schools just now ; but Professors, if not Professionals, seem Infant-Schools already open in the Christmas heatres. Punch knows no pret- tier or more pathetic sight . than that presented by most of our Pantomime stages, when filled, like ones. Gardens—true . Kindergarten—all blos- soming with flowers of childhood—babyhood almost—real and sweet though often grown among the soot and smoke of the slums, and the filth and foulness of the gutter. The magic of the flowers transmutes foulness to fragrance, : At these times, Panto- mime is not only the scene of Big-heads, but the school of Big- hearts, for they must be big, to take in all these little ones as the do ; everyone in the theatre, from Stage-manager and Ballet-master downwards, having a kind way and a kind word in dealing with these mites. Punch has produced his Pantomime, and he knows there is no happier season than Pantomime time for the children lucky enough to a engaged for Birds or Bees, Spiders or Sprites, Fiends or Fairies, Farm Labourers or Small Soldiers. The run of the Pantomime means the grandest holiday entertainment for them, something beyond all conceivable feasts and summer outings; warmth and rm Fy splendour and sparkle, frolic and fun, dressing up and dancing, romping and making a row for two or three hours in the afternoon or at night, and five, or even seven, shillings to carry home to mother at the week’s end! And if this Child’s Paradise has to be reached through a few weeks’ drilling and dressing, shouting and scolding, what’s that to the restraint and stern discipline of the Board-School, or the ups and downs of the battle of life in court or gutter ? And even for teaching, Punch is open to back the Theatre, while it lasts, inst the Board-School any day. Its teaching is pre- eminently proved by results. Everything taught is tested by P blic examination. If we don’t hear quite so much of ‘the Three .’s or the Standards, cleanliness, attention, punctuality, and prompt obedience are not bad practical lessons, any more than dancing and deportment, and the conveying of a meaning by look or gesture. at the children get in the theatre, in fact, is school, drill, and dancing-lesson rolled into one. If Punch’s readers want to see this Dramatic Infant-School in full swing, let them fr to the Opéra Comiqne, and enjoy The Children’s Pinafore. They will find the music, duly transposed to the small pipes, as well given in most cases, and the parts as well played, by the children, as by their big brothers and sisters, their cousins and their uncles and their aunts, in the evening. _ There isa Sir Joseph Porter, whose official solemnity is in the inverse ratio of his size, and who comports himself with as portentous a gravity as if he carried not only the ‘‘ Queen’s Navée,” but the Queen’s Army, and Civil Service, and the Bench of Bishops, and the Judges of all the Law Courts—nay, the whole weight of Church and State on his small shoulders. There isa Captain Corcoran, at once a pink of politeness and a Tartar of tautness, who never “‘ forgets himself,” his note, or his word, and looks like a model Captain seen through the small end of a telescope. There is a mid- shipmite of the mite-iest dimensions, and most deedy determination. There is a bluff Boatswain, a tender and touching Ralph Rackstraw, with a sweet, mellow, and well-trained pipe, a pretty and grace- ful Josephine, an ideal and idyllic Little Buttercup and a ‘blithe and buxom coryphée of the “cousins and the aunts,” and, above all, there is a Dick Deadeye who is a Rosson in miniature. Punch flowers, Yellow Dwarf at once so weird and so funny. In short, every part is capitally filled, and the Children’s Pinafore must be pronounced getting up, as Punch would wish to see in his own laundry. turkeys, and pi T= is much talking Master to forget the admirable |™ the, boxes, with little P y | She is the - Columbine he ever saw in black, and she makes it oes not remember to have seen any actor since that genius in the| promises to‘ a model piece of as clean, neat, and tasteful sprightly Blue Boy, and a pretty Red Riding Hood, a real cow, and ns, and cocks and hens, there are the humours of ONEL Broveu as a big little-boy, and a Board-School, con- ducted on strictly Pantomime principles, with Mr. Bannister for Mistress, and Mr. Pavto for Inspector. The teaching and its results, in these competent hands, may be imagined. Lord Sanpon and Sir F Sawprorp should visit this model school, so conveniently ear . But what Punch wants to talk about just now, is a trio of the sweetest little tots who sing nursery songs in chorus, with a glee and gusto that seems to shine out of their bright black eyes and to person of three or four, who Ag eh fe, or four, w in 8 - and leggings, an carter’s-whip in hand, sings the praises of John Basleyeota behind a brown almost as big as herself. A i more wy! ight than this childish glee-party she R 8 unch has not the whole realm of Pantomime this year. And why, though has grown from Fp child to ful gt, not make his old-fashioned congé to Miss Hanniet uRIE, the mbine in Little Boy Blue, who—but he despairs of in prose—" Facit admiratio versum.,” ho, for archest expression and daintiest b, a linked chain of charms from her foot to her face; ho keeps up her entrechats, battues, poussettes, Her languishing poses and her light pirouettes, And trips it from opening to close of the seté, And her Columbine-réle ne'er forsakes nor forgets, And is, altogether, the prettiest of pets! And in her black tarlatane more heart-hauls gets were e’er caught in thinnest and whitest ‘u//e nets, Worn by less winning fishers, less charming coqucttes. Punch, you see, can’t pass over her charmingly eccentric dress. dng Dp and most becoming costume for the part—which it isn’t. This Columbine of Columbines, Punch is glad to say, pervades the Comic Scenes of the Aquarium Pantomime in company with Mr. D. oe Artist tar more of drawing-room than kitchen—a Haflequin for sprightliness agility not unworthy of such a Columbine. It is the first time, for long, that Punch has seen a Harlequin and Columbine able, as well as willing, to get out of their spangles and stripes all that feminine grace and masculine activity can find in them. Then Miss Atice Hour and Miss Percrvat—blondine and brunette—are two charming premiéres danseuses, Mr. Pavto is a very good Clown indeed, and has true humour, though, like most clever Clowns nowadays, he takeg out in talk what he should put into Pantomime. Passing from Stage to Platform, but still keeping to Children, Punch must say a word on the performance of the Sisters WEBLING. He loves young ability and its natural flowers as much as he hates precocity and its forced fruits. These three sisters, the eldest (JOSEPHINE) not yet out of her teens, the youngest (Peaey) not yet into them, have none of the objectionable quality of the Juvenile Prodigy or the repulsiveness of the Infant Phenomenon. Touching and true as may be the pathos of Joseruine, Punch, as is natural, warms more to the fun of Peeey, which is quite out of the common, and seems to give promise of a future. Only don’t let those who have charge of these clever children spoil them with stove-heat and soirée-forcing. Let their intelligence be carefull develo and trained, and leave their cleverness to look after itself, Punch could not help thinking as he watched their performance, ‘* What a trio of foundation-scholars for his own Dramatic College, or or | Mor.ey’s Dramatic Sehool—whichever of them is first ope ‘* Your Surplus to its Right Use.”’ Mrxor Irish ex-incumbents want the Irish Church Surplus em- loyed to eke out the scanty ex-LIrish-Church surplice, and fit it tter to cover their nakedness. But, ill-fed and ill-clad as the among the Irish Protestant Clergy may be, Government seems disposed to think that the Church Surplus may be better employed in feeding the still hungrier, and clothing the still nakeder, surplus population. At any rate, if it will f nothing else, it will feed their popularity, at this moment rather in a state of inanition. Tight v. Loose. Tue quarrel between the Tight Habit-ans and Loose Habit-ans i as fierce and as prolific of paper, if not party, warfare, as that of the Big Endians and Little Endians in Lilliput. Without stepping, where all but angels should fear to tread, on the Ladies’ riding skirts, Punch may venture one remark, oe e wi In Little Boy Blue, at the Aquarium, besides a smart and| tight habits than loose ones. Ladies who are inclined to be fast goers, are likelier to be saf 9 a a ee a

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Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto No. No. : No. 4. No. No. 6 No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Vicar. ‘‘Sorny I NEVER SEE You aT CuurcH, Squire. | IN THE PARISH, YOU OUGHT TO BE ONE OF THE PILLARS——” Squire. “WELL, AT ALL EVENTS, IF I’m wNoT A Prutar, I’M ONE O° THE | BOTTRESSES—ALWAYS TO BE FOUND OUTSIDE, YOU KNOW ! !”’ “Ma. GLapsrone’s best friends must ‘regret that he should | he may happen to bave said or done.) "’— Parrot Phrase of the Period. Best Friend No. 1. . Ah! IfI In kin . Then the Moderate Liberals . Nine-ten PUNCH, OR THE \\ \e ) W\ \\A pees 4 a a SUPPORT. HIS BEST FRIENDS. Now really, you know, this is getting too dreadful ! Great genius, of course; but I fear he’s gone mad. Of what trait’rous trash is his foolish old head full ? I’m quite of your mind ; and it’s shockingly sad ! He was a great Statesman ; but e’en in the Cit We fear all his gumption has gone by the - Ah! if only to figures he’d stick! What a pity! No chance, I suppose, of his being restored ? At seventy? No! Since those wretched atrocities, He hasn’t been sane for an hour, so | hear. Ah! you see he’s a slave to such vile animosities, MuchasIs ire him, I think that is clear. Yes, wholly unscrupulous. Splendid old fellow, Of course! But he does make himself such an ass! As jealous of rivals as any Othello, ough at finance he, of course, is first class! Humph! Y—e—s; He makes most preposterous blunders, you know. . Oh! that’s simply done te drive Ben to perdition, y bursting up Norrucore’s finance at a blow. - Now if Z had his ear, J should just recommend him In friendship’s pure spirit to—hold his dashed row! had my way, I to Bedlam would send him, ess—the only fit place for him now ! . The Pall Mali turns him up and has taken to slate him In true cross-knee style, as you towel a child. c } »—lord! how they hate him! His power with the People does make them so wild. . Ah! ders to popular feeling atrociously, Althou, h he must know the whole nai ’s with Ben. of the nation he hates most ferociously, And savagely slangs them with tongue and with pen. LONDON CHARIVARI. As A LEADING May (do or say anything though in matters of simple addition [January 24, 18¢0. Best Friend No. 17. He has grown quite a demagogue, Respesthingeeioandiy, of m profoundly, of course, and all that. No. 18. Sentimental old donkey ! why, why will he bray so? F His dull pamphlets fail, his long speeches fall flat. _ No. 19. Yes, and stir up poor fanatic fools into madness, The mischief they cause there’s no mortal may sum. No. 20. Alas! Such a spectacle fills one with sadness. Would merciful Heaven but strike the man dumb! No, 21. I’m sure enough mud is flung at him to choke him, : The deuce of it is, though so little will stick. No, 22. Even Bovrxe’s handful missed. Could one only provoke him To something,—well dirty, the wind-bag ’twould prick. _ No such luck, I’m afraid, that is, hum, ha—oh! hang him! He ’ll come, I feel sure, to the saddest of ends. , No, 24. Meanwhile ’tis our duty to pelt him and slang him To prove, don’t you see, that ’tis we’re his best friends! Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto Diito No, 23. Ditto POISONING BY PATENT. (A Little Tragedy of the Statute Book.) Scenr.—A Chemist's Shop—Legally Disposed Proprietor and three suffering Cust 8 di ed discussing the ‘* Sale of Poisonous Drugs Act.” Legally Disposed Proprietor. Well, you can’t have it. ere | First Rguty Customer. There—indeed! Why the , without a blessed wink of sleep child has kep me u these five nights! You might make us up a ’aporth o laudanum? Come, now. : capay Bienes Proprietor. Can’t do it, my good Lady. w is law. Second Suffering Customer. Just so. But my case is very different. I want something just to quiet this neu- ralgia. Now, I’m told that a little opium—— Tasutip-diapeeed wt te so No use, Sir; we daren’t let you have it. Get a Doctor’s order. hird owing Customer. But, really, it is pre terous. Here, 1 come for something to allay violent symptoms of incipient coma, and do you mean to tell me you can give me nothing calming of any kind? Legally-disposed Proprietor. Oh, yee I can do some- thing for you in the em way. Have you ever tried Denipen'é Somnolent Elixir ? Suffering Customers (all together). No! Is it strong? Legally-disposed Proprietor. Strong? Why, it wow send an elephant off like atop produces it), and it’s only One-and-Three-ha’ pence. e sell a good deal of it. First Suffering Customer. Give me a bottle. Second Suffering Customer. Here, I ’ll have one. Third saving Customer. So will I. Legally-disposed Proprietor. That is the article (hands small packet bearing Government Label to each). But mind the directions, because it is strong. (Smiling.) It is what we call a powerful narcotic. [Ezeunt three Suffering Customers, with three bottles of powerful narcotic, to make arrange- Falla Sor three Coroner’s inquests, as Curtain alls, SHADE OF SWIFT! “Aw Orv Lapvran” writes to express his surprise and disappointment at not finding, in some “* Statistics of Sunshine” lately published, any mention of the sun- beams extracted out of cucumbers. Perhaps the Royal Society will answer him.

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Jaxvary 24, 1880.] THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A) |) | RA) VR) | i 7 HAPPY THOUGHT FOR THE NEXT LONDON SEASON——FOOTWOMEN. Twick AS ORNAMENTAL AS MALE FLUNKEYS, WITHOUT BEING A BIT MORE USELESS oR CONORITED. 4 ep ass“ S SACRIFICE TO MORPHEUS, Pustic attention has been lately called to the abuse of opiates, alleged to have become prevalent. If this is so, it may be desirable to know whether the practice of taking narcotic medicines has not coin- cided, prunetanssy, with the of total abstinence from intoxicating liquors. A man who, having been long in the habit of going to bed with a “ —~ of whiskey-and-water, has discontinued it, and is therefore sleepless, may nat y enough endeavour to procure rest by means of morphia or chloral. Instead, however, of resorting to soporific medicines, too often apt to prove more de- leterious than even ardent spirits, would not the sufferer from sleeplessness for tem- perance sake do wisely to try the effect of a eg = we”. him r repose for example, by ing any of even moderate length—if he can find one—in ‘‘ Parliament, Out of Session,” the last thing before going to bed, or a typical leading article on the subject of Educa- tion and the School-Board. A dissertation upon Indian Finance would perhaps prove equally efficacious ; much more so indeed than poppy or mandragora, and all the drowsy syrups of the East, with their vege- table alkaloids and active principles, and the whole of the stupefactive compounds of modern chemistry. Diamonds in the Distance. FPP ' Carson to crystallise in vain Macreax has taxed his skill ; The Diamond he can’t obtain, So carat caret still. f But Chemic Art, he reckons, must Breed brilliants by-and-by ; Meanwhile, he will make Diamond-dust, So Macrear dries his eye. ( / HA De Mortvts Nit Nist Bonum.—Our Epi- cure thinks this is especially true of Turkeys. SOME SIGNS OF THE REVIVAL OF THE DRAMA. Sign 1.—That Mr. Hane has a Picture Gallery in the St. James’s. Sign 2.—That Mr. Bancrort is renovating the Haymarket. Sign 3.—That Professor Morey has lectured. Sign 4.—That Mr. H. J. Byron has written to say how much he approves of the Professor’s Lecture. ign 5.—That Mr. Atrrep Avustrx, Poet and Politician, wrote a fortnight since to the Standard, informing us how in a “ state of assive pessimism ” (where had he been dining ?) he visited a Theatre ‘punctually at eight” (notice “‘ punctually at eight’’—this sounds ike an “‘order”—‘ not admitted after eight”—eh?), and was “* distressed ” to find the house comparatively empty. Of course had he announced his intention of honouring the Theatre with his dis- tinguished presence, the management would have issued other orders spoordingly. and would have received him with wax candles, and the red baize down. But that the eminent Poet-Politician should go to the Theatre at all, is really a matter of congratulation to those interested in the revival of the Drama, seeing that he takes the greatest care to disclaim, as a matter of course, a ry of persons so much beneath his own intellectual level, as ‘‘the Authors, Actors or Manager.” ‘I need scarcely say,” wrote this gifted Visitor, “that I know nothing whatever about the Authors, Actors, or Manager, concerned in the Court Theatre.” Well, as to the Authors, Actors, and Manager, “‘ their state is the more gracious.” , Sign 6.—That the Acting Managerof the Court Theatre showed in his immediate reply to the Poet-Politician’s letter how utterly ignorant he (the Acting Manager) was of the great importance to the Drama of the existence of the Gentleman whom he mentioned as Your Correspondent, ‘ALrrep Avustiy.’” This is a sign of the elevation of the Drama, Bravo, Acting Manager of the Court! Sign 7.—That ALFRED AusTIN—ALFRED the Less—congratulates Atrrep Tennyson—ALFrep the Great—on having “‘ added his name to the list of British playwrights.” Sign 8.—That Atrrep the Less declares in this same letter that he is ‘‘ not a Dramatic Critic.” Whoever said, or thought, he was? Sign 9.—That Atrrep the Less is well aware his opinion is not worth much, and so makes a handsome present of it to the Standard, Sign 10.—That Atrrep the Less “‘ will not dissemble.” Sign 11.—That he is pleased with the popularity of a little work, by one SHAKSPEARE, at the Lyceum. Sign 12.—That he considers the appearance of Mr. Bancrorr, at the Haymarket Theatre, a sign that the English Stage is capable of something more than Farces, and indecent Burlesques. Sign 13.—After this expression of opinion, it is highly probable that Mr. Invine, Mr. Bancrort, and Mr. Hare will receive MSS. of something more than Farces indecent a Ee gH a dramatic version of that devout and chastened work The Season, a Satire, by ALFRED AUSTIN, ially dedicated to Mr. and Mrs. BancroFt, or an arrangement for the Stage of that exquisitely pure composition The Human Tragedy. Sign 14.—That Mr. Vat Painsep has been implored by several admiring friends to write another little ‘‘ trifle light as Harz,” for the St. James’s. Sign 15.—That a ic Lantern is used at the Alhambra. Sign 16.— That Mr. Frenycu, the American Publisher, and Mr. Bancrort, have paid Mr. Sanpov £2,000 for a piece before it is written. From which it may be deduced that Vicroxrew SaxDovu knows a version of the ‘‘ Confidence Trick.’’ Sign 17.—That the Falcon, at the St. James’s, is a real live bird. Sign 18. — That Mr. W. 8. Gripert meditates becoming an American Citizen, and stopping there. Sign 19.—That Mr. Cuantes Wanner, after another success, will soagee covenes Castanea, —, £ ape. oot _ ign 20.— t . Rusku lately appeared at the Lyceum, that Mr. Invine was intensely deli hited Sign 21.—That several young Noblemen are engaged on” in the Club Scene of Money, at the Haymarket. If this doesn’t iy a

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36 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 24, 1880. do much for the principle, it at least adds to the interest—of Money. sut perhaps the best sign of all is that there are more Theatres - now than ever there were, receiving better support than ever did—more careful performance all round than ever there was ; and, with all these advantages, that the state of the Drama is much about the same as ever it was, while there are just about the same number of folks to thrust themselves forward, and talk loudly about | what they don’t understand, the real practical professional men remaining silent, as eeming jt a wiser course to let well alone, and allow the Stage, which is ‘‘a self-educating profession,” to educate itself, Ecce Signa! ARCTIC AERONAUTICS. = rw “Tus Prorosgp New ARnctic ieeemas —A Deputation from the London Central Arctic Committee has had an interview with the Lorp Mayor, with the view of laying before him the scheme of a proposed new Expedition to the North Pole. Mr. Puteston, M.P., introduced the Deputation ; and amongst the other members of it were Captain BEpFrorD Pru, R.N., Commander Cuzsynz, R.N., Mr. Cuarntey, M.P., Mr. H. Cox- WELL, the aéronaut, and Mr. ANNAND, the Canadian Government Agent.” — Daily News. “Tr must be done; and England shall do it,” says the old Pilot in Mr. MILiats’s Picture—meaning that the Union Jack must be hoisted on the North Pole, and that Jacx’s the lad to hoist it. According to the new scheme, the speech should have come, not from a Pilot, but a Pilot Balloon. Mr. Mrtiats’s Picture was painted before the failure of the last Artic attempt of the Alert and Dis- covery. Jack BULL may be the lad to do it, but hardly the Lorp Mayor, even with the aid of Mr. CoxwELL,. Commander CHEYNE, Captain Beprorp Pru, and Dr. Krxns, particularly when their ples of Polar attack is literally en Pair, bein, principally on allooning, while their sinews of war are to contributions to be raised throughout the English Counties by Local Arctic Committees. If these Polar promoters succeed in raising the wind by such means, Punch is prepared to allow that they may not only reach, but carry off, the North Pole in a Balloon. Punch hates to throw cold water on anything that aims at serving science, and finds a field for pluck, and cold water seems the last thing to fling on a North Polar adventure ; but the line must be drawn somewhere. There are limits to Quixotism, even of the scientific or heroic kind; and if they are fixed at latitude 82° north, Punch does not see who would be the worse for such fixing. A chain ig only as strong as its weakest point, and a Cheyne is no stronger. The employment of balloons to give the discoverers a bird’s-eye view of the Pole deserves at least the at of originality. But will it wash? Though Mr. CoxwELt is, netarally, most at home in the air, and thinks that as he has gone up at 43° below freezing-point here there can’t be much difficulty in starting at the same temperature in the costly perfor Punch ri protest these preparations for a ormance of Balloonagy in the theatre of everlasting ice and , and that every hundred wn, while there will be no with sledgi ging parties, *"Conaidering that balloons defy s ro? they go up the temperature goes ooneunomp ious movement, a keep the e bhand in to oon the Arete atronas ae, Conways tains rn “Captive Ballon fad be 2 be tried. fist, view ice ahead.” tired agree wit Rete nue fw lh nck ars J “ At any rate Captive eee ote cond daw iat ie be by a eyne. Iron, sudden we know, is apt to snap unde changes of temperature, sal bs sens tamaicons SS hent fe high The Lorp Mayor’ was vei ite, and full of wishes. Of be bnew it -_ course about Arctic and nothing about balloon- , but he was always glad to ve deputations of aw aay and sntitie , and he han, | be delighted to lend the Mansion House for a p meeting. * No one could age to the prapest being Be. threshed out.” No one—®) Captain Cugyne, who wants the project ‘‘ warmly taken up”—not thoroughly “ thrashed pn as we fancy it is pretty certain to be by any jury of scientific ot No doubt,” added the Lorp Maror, “ if Commander CuEyyr’s plans met with approval, he would soon receive the means of carr mer- them out.” ** Great virtue in an ‘if,’” says Touchstone. The =f way in which Punch could wish to see this wild scheme “ car- ried out,” for the sake of Commander Cuxyne himself, and all who may be supp capable of linking on to him, would be by its being once for all, carried out of the pale of serious discussion, an 5 pe buried among other fantastic projects, in the Limbo-land of Laputa. That i is its ultimate destiny. Better it should be reached without previous loss of valuable life and waste of valuable money. Learning and Letters. “X. Y. Z.” tells the Ziowe, 5 ns a letter, How spelling might simplified be: Very good, but naan it were better On that point to consult A. B. C. Turned t’other Way (by a Tory). “Great and sacred words that symbolise noble and illustrious thoughts, but no man living has done so much as the Author of the quotation to turn them both topsy-tarvy.’’"—Sir W. Harcourt at Ozford. Imperium et Libertas.—‘‘ Office and the Liberal Party.’ Ejaculation of an Old Toper. (In one of Dr. Cameron's Retreats.) “ WaTER, water everywhere, But not ‘a drop to drink,’”’ MANNERS MAKE THE MAN. (On the recent appointment of Lord J. M.’s Brother-in-Law to the Registrar Generalship.) ‘* Let Hygiéne, Vital Statistics die, But leave us still our old job-o-cracy !” A BASE, BRUTAL, AND BLOODY-MINDED SAXON’S REASON, Wry are outside Jaunting Cars peculiar to the Irish ? Because you cannot put the members of a family face to face, even going to Church, without a Row. THE PRESS AND THE “‘ PALLADIUM OF LIBERTY.” For libel when a Blackguard’s action ’s tried, Juries lean mostly to the Plaintiff's side. &£@ To Connxsronpents.—The Editor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, stamped and directed envelope af apm In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by @ should be kept.

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January 31, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 37 OUT OF SIGHT, NOT OUT OF MIND. Stout Gentleman (whistling). ‘‘ Parew—rnew—Lion !— Lion !—WHERE THE DEUCE HAS THAT LITTLE Beast Got TO! PaEew !—ruew!”’ JEMIMER JANE ON JIMCRACKS, Dear ’LizEr, Yes, it’s all too true; I’ve bin and lost my sitivation, _ Wus luck, in winter time andall! Life’s jest a round of botheration. The nobs ’as all the plums, my dear, they leaves us ’ardly a Sultaney. I left quite suddent, all along o’—what *yer think ?—a bit o’ chaney. Drat crockery, I sez, and most pertikler drat them there blue-and-white Chineses. Why did they go inwenting stuff as is the ’ousemaid’s wust o’ teases ? ’ Twas bad enough when crockery’s right place was the kitchen dresser ; But now it’s all the go upstairs it’s wus. I pities my successor! I saw her ’Lizer, sech red hands, and nubbly-like about the knuckles, Same as my own. I know the sort, and—praps ’twas wicked, dear—I chuckles; Thinks I, “ them fingers will go blue and slippy, ’tain’t no use their trying To holt on jimcracks, when they ’re cold, and won’t there soon be Bob’s-a-dying ?”’ Fingers is curous; mine ’Il holt a broom with any gal in Brixton, But when it comes to knicknacks, lor! you think yer grip is firmly fixed on, When slips they , and there you are, athout the least o’ warnings, Which fingers will go perished in cold water o’ winter mornings. In course, there’s no allowance made, and wot’s the use o’ glycerining, Or warming of ’em at the gas? Corns, and the cold and constant cleani Would spile the lily ’ands o’ them as treats theirn in a different manner, With fluff-lined gloves and Kallydore, and twiddling on a grand peyanner, It’s chaney, chaney, everywhere, a source o’ constant shines and rackets, They ’angs it all about the walls, and perches of it up on brackets, Till if you moves your elber sharp, or whisks your skirt, down flops a something, Which this new fad for crockery is what I a downright rum thing. Nasty ill-shapen smudged old pots, cracked sarcers, cups athout no ’andles, Jugs as won’t hold, pon at in which they never sticks no candles, Goggle-eyed Hidols, ogious things, as seems to me a sin to store ’’em, But bless yer! toffs bid ’igh for ’em, and swell young ladies jest adore ’em. To see ’em patting of ’em soft like baby’s cheeks, is quite disgusting,— Why that Kove hidjus little god I went and smashed as I was dusting They reglar kissed ; and when I told Miss Crwrmy as I’d gone and dropped i The scolding, tiabbesine scene there was! I thought they never would a stopped it. They called me, oh! the frightful names,'a Bohea-Moth, and a Philistian! At last I ups, and sez, sez I, ‘* This ain’t no way to treat a Christian. : It may have b’longed to Pompry Door, and bin uneek, soopreme, and so on: Yet ’tis but clay, which flesh and blood can’t stand the way you Ladies go on. “Orkurd,” sez I, ‘I may be, which I’m sorry for, but more by token, If folks with jimcracks go and stuff the blessed place, some must get broken : . *Ousemaids ain’t got no call in a curosity shop jammed hup with crockery. ‘ and broom in this ’ere room, I sez, is reglar right down mockery !”” That settled me; but there, I couldn’t a ’elped it if they’d ’ung me for it; — Me. And so you see poor ’ousemaids now is wictimised by one more worrit, Just as if ‘caps, no followers, and beetles wot you In vain. Wosn't enough! Well, sech is life! Yours, out of place, JEMIMER JANE, A WORD FOR THE WIVES. Mr. Justice Brett has been speaking his mind from Bench on the decay of the rude chivalry of fair-play in England since fighting with fists went out, and kicking and knifing came in. The learned, and athletic pie his time, like Punch’s excellent friend, Mr. Justice Denman, he pulled a good oar at his’ Varsity—declared his intention of deal- ing — with death or damage brought about in air t. This seems to indicate that he holds in some de with the opinion that the Prize-Ring tended to inculcate the unmanliness of hitting below the belt, or striking a man when he was down. Perhaps these rules came less from the Prize-Ring than from the Saxon blood, in which the spirit of such rules, as well as the noble art of self-defence, was At all events, Englishmen both practised and insisted on the laws of fair fighting before there was a P. R., and when se play and quarter-staff were the rustic forms of the duello in of fisticuffs. The P. R., it is to be feared, was the growth of a brutal time, and the concomitant of coarse and dissolute manners, as its decline and fall have kept pace with an improvement in En d , education, and refinement. the same, whether fisticuffs brought the love of fair play, or faith in fair play engendered fisticuffs. Justice Brett is right in denouncing the brutality of foul hitting, and, above all, of kicking. Fists are—if not —at least manly weapons. Not so feet— especially feet with boots on. But most brutal of booted feet are those used to kick not only men but women, and not women only, but wives! en are we to see our Judges making up a common mind to punish wife-kicking as it deserves, and no longer to allow the murder of a wife by sheer brutality to be the form of homicide which a man may commit with the surest prospect of a light punishment ? Not Quite Such A False Prophet, Perhaps. Waar Sir Wiri1am Harcover did hesy—and whether the prediction prove false or true, Re finds a t many ready to back it—was that the first day, not of the next Session, but of the next Parliament, would be the last of the present Government. May that last arrive, and may Punch be there to see it. Summary oF Present ENTERTAINMENT AT THE Otympic THEatre.—Righton and Brighton. VOL, LXXVIII, E eve

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38 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 31, 1880, VN MCR a nl 1 SRE gf ha) “Hit Apert eS Tl, Se) NA tag! | i i) My Hi U . Ie a Goop Vincent Bovrne’s audacious Daw, Perched high upon a steeple, With constant note would caw and caw, In cool contempt of Church and Law, And peaceful people. Like, yet unlike, that ic bird, This pest of peaceful Churches With borrowed plumes that look absurd, And mimie croak too loudly heard, Stubbornly perches. And self-reliant, Of Law defiant. THE HIGH-CHURCH JACKDAW. A Jackdaw pert that none may scare, A foolish fowl but noisy That sticks to his Established perch, Nor seeks a nest outside the Church, | Like honest Voysgy. Mid strange ritesand strange clothes at home, Sense sickens of his unctuous caw, To Judge and Bishop hateful ; Could seare-crow, or of Church or Law, But put to flight this daring Daw, The world were grateful ! This Daw, in feathers filched from Rome, | Yours has to learn the three R’s. Old Flaunts underneath St. Alban’s dome, | Age has learned the three V’s—Vanity ! | Vanity! Vanity! ‘Chitty! Chitty! Piano! Piano!” A WORD ON THE WEATHER. Mr. Currry, Q.C., who is going in as Sir Vernon Harcovrt’s ‘* Zeno” presents his compliments to the Geological Society, and begs to be informed whether they do not think it probable that this colleague at Oxford, is taking upon himself a weighty responsibility. country has arrived at the commencement of another “Glacial Before he jogs on any further on the Parliamentary hobby, let him Period.” remember that “ Post Equity sedet atra cura.” Morro FoR EVERY WELL-ORDERED Duswer-Tasie.— No Larks!”

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January 31, 1880. } PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. » iNwryen ~ ‘ . ““WHEN SHALL WE THREE MEET AGAINP” HARD LINES! Here isa imen of the truths which Mr. Panwet is flinging ae ms States. The f 1 = ¥ ay speec ; at ewark, a flourishing manufacturing town ew Jersey, a few miles from New York :— “ “ Last evening the cable told us that the British Government, unable to sweep back the movement, had resorted to massacre. In Galway Vounty the police had fired upon the people. Such occurrences show us how terrible is the condi- tion of things in Ireland. It is part of the policy of the landlords to use the armed force as part of their method of eviction, and picture if —— what an eviction is! The house is broken into, the furniture broken by sledge-hammers. No respect is paid to age or sex, or even to death. Although I am no advocate of force, qi, at the same time, such deeds as we have heard of are enough to stir the hearts of the most patient oe to use force. (Applause.) The English Press tell you of cattle disabled and landlords shot, but they never specify any and now, after all the forbearance of the people, the Govern- ment were the first to shed blood. I say those people were murdered, and I say it fearlessly,and I shall repeat it in the ia of Commons when I get there. (Applause) That was noble conduct on the part of the people when they, with their brothers and sisters shot down beside them, still forebore from vio . It will hardly be believed, but it was a fact in our last famine, that when corn was seized by the landlords for rent it was burnt by them in the sight of the starving a We desire to make the tenant-farmers the owners—that is our policy. (Appiause.) We think the system which puts middlemen between those who own and those who work the land is an artifi- cial system. You had landlords in this State once, but in your rough and ready method you abolished them. In France they had landlords, but in the Revolution they were hung to the lamp-posts. In Prussia they divided the land and gave the landlords a third in small ts. Iam afraid it will be with our efforts as it was with the books of the Sibyl. She offered all her books for a price, and on a refusal went off and burnt one and came back and offered the rest, and so on until the price was paid for the one book that was left. The Irish landlords will refuse our offer, and we shall offer less and less until we get what we want, and we shall surely get it.’ ”’ ye 5 in answer to these heart-rending appeals these revoltin cases of tyranny, oppression and entange, Sao Sax cruelly — cold-heartedly buttons up his pockets. in spite of PaRwext. he sends relief to the and suffering Irish in the South and West, left destitute the cruelty of the season, not of their land- 8, he prefers to do it through the Duchess of MarLsonoven, or, man Ca’ C, oO y to help, or, if) Ro Catholic, the el f the party he desires to hel instead of Messrs. Pannet and Diiion, This is too cruel—neither trust their oratory for truth, nor their agency for relief! What does Uncle 8am take them for? For firebrands, perhaps, bent on spreading hate and lawlessness, y and ruin, in the of picking popularity and influence out of the mess. Or, perhaps, for agitators blinded by prejudice, iddy with the fumes of mob incense, and drunk with the wine of hate Sy by ate and unreasoning plandits of the Celt. For anything, in short, but for faithful descri of facts, or trustworthy ¢ of alms. Such is Uncle Sam’s ridiculous prejudice—much as he knows from experience of Irish nature and Irish agitation, COOL, IF NOT CHILLY. Tue following letter has found its way to 85, Fleet Street. From in evidence Mr, Punch imagines it must have been intended for one of his daily contemporaries :— Sir, January 26, 1880, I nave read with the greatest possible pleasure the com- munications evidently emanating from the purest of philanthropists which you have from time to time published in your valuable columns concerning the war between Chili and Peru. great opportunity of practical volence offers itself at the present moment to the former country. Peru is lessly beaten; and now is the hour for — to set an cage So the whole world wt. .- a n an erosity. It is, in a grand 8 ome ao ny and they should be worthy of their reputation ! But, after all, human nature is human nature; and should “ the English of South America” show any hesitation in pursuing the th I am about to point out to them, it is my firm ion that the t Powers of i pelling them into it. If Moral Europe should employ their Moral Force in com- orce fails, why then the most peaceable amongst us may discover the real use of those “‘ bloated armaments” which have caused so much vague and apprehension. In a word, a ‘‘Menace to the Peace of Europe,” might be turned into a ‘* Source of the Prosperity of South America.” tis unnecessary to enlarge upon the horrors of war. To every

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40 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 31, 1880. one with the least imagination the words call up visions of desolate homes, weeping widows, ruined industries, and starving orphans! So terrible a scourge is war, that although Chili may have been thoroughly in the right, although treaties may have been broken, and defiance hurled by Pern, still it is her duty to make peace on any terms—I repeat, on any terms. At the same time, “ any terms,”’ is rather a large phrase, and so that there may be no mistake, I jot down the basis of an agreement which I would suggest should be signed immediately. 1. Peace to be made between Chili and Pern at once. 2. Chili being the conqueror, to consent to all the demands of Peru. Noblesse oblige. 3. Chili to undertake never to go to war again. 4. Chili to increase her taxes and reduce her expenditure. 5. Both countries to disarm, and the Chilian Fleet to be sold for the benefit of the world. _6. (And most important of all). Chili to become directly respon- sible for debts owing to foreigners by Peru. This, Sir, I submit would be a satisfactory conclusion to the heart-rending war now ravaging the most productive portion of South America! As an earnest of the thorough disinterestedness of my advice, 1 beg to sign myself, Yours respectfully, A Peruvian BonDHOLDER. Reynard’s Retreat, Slyfoxrbury. A SONG OF ST. ALBAN’S. oop people, friends, G and fellows of sym- pathetic soul, Take pity on the sorrows of a Bishop in the hole. A Schismatic to plighted vows unfaithful and untrue Defies and disobeys me— and I know not what to do. A Clerk in Holy Orders, with a craze for Romish rites, Persists in burning in- cense, lighting up for- bidden lights, Striking attitudes illegal, ee vestments con- ban tra Flyingin Lord Pewzance’s ace, and the teeth of my command, The Arches’ Court admonished him—he didn’t care a straw, And now he stands suspended, but he still contemns the law. Continuing to play the Priest, in pseudo-popish trim. Though he commit contempt of Court, the Court commits not him. Because one fool makes many—fools are constituted so— And of all fools, fools made martyrs in their wake make others go, If | wished our mimic Mass-Priests with the Public to prevail, I’d say—‘“‘ Send yonder simious ist to gaol.” To mandate of suspension I by force could make him bow. But then, you see, | daren’t do that for fear there’d be a row; They want to start another suit ; though, if condemned once more, He’ll treat Law’s brutum fulmen as serenely as before. The tinkle of that bell-wether misleading I must brook, And let him with his errant flock elude the shepherd’s crook ; Though a queer sheep ’s this, whose kicking against the pricks reveals More of the long-eared animal that spurns rebuke with heels. Or his emblem seeking rather in the stye than in the fold, Best type of this obstructive in its sadederm behold. Pig-headed, he lacks logic, or persuasions pushi ing home, He had gone the whole hog long ago from land’ s Church to Rome, But now he is his private Pope; no Bishop he ’ll obey: Non possumus he answers moe. bid put his pranks coe No episcopal superior can make him turn a hair, The more Law pegs away at him the more he doesn’t care! Latest rroM BreautwenaM.—Our Reform Club has commenced. MONOPOLY. Government Drama, in Two Acts—not yet licensed. ACT I. “The telegraphs were given over to the Post-Office in February, 1870, not for the advantage of the department, but solely for the good of the community at large.”— Daily Paper. Scene—The neighbourhood of a Public Department in 1870. Enter Unprotected Briton, pursued by Demons of Private Enterprise. Unprotected Briton (flourishing a written dispatch). I tell you 1 want to send it to Slocum-in-the-Slush. First Demon. Do you? Then you may take it there yourself. _ Second Demon. Rather! How do you think we can afford to lay lines wherever you like ’em, eh ? They dance round him. Unprotected Briton. Nay, harass me not! I only know this is «re and that I shall write to the Zimes. But, will no one elp me? Gong. The Spirit of Paternal Government appears in a blaze of limelight. Spirit of Paternal Government. I will! (The Demons cower.) There is no limit either to my benevolence or to my banking account. See, you can now send your message to Slocum-in-the-Slush for the New lines ramify in all directions. charge of one shilling! P Waves his wand. The Unprotected Briton kneels in grateful wonder. Demons of Private Enterprise. Ha! ha! Buta day will come! [ Exeunt down traps in red fire. Spirit of Paternal Government. Possibly. But for the moment there do not exist two more blithe and contented individuals than the Spirit of Paternal Government—— ; Unprotected Briton. And his new protégé, the Protected Briton ! Tableau. Act-drop, ACT II. “The present claim of the Post-Office is nothing less than an attempt to stand between the public and the full utilisation and enjoyment of a great scientific improvement.’’— Daily Paper. Scene—The Premises of a new Scientific Company, in 1880, Enter Protected Briton, pursued by the Demon of Paternal Government. Protected Briton (seizing mouthpiece of ingenious apparatus). But I tell thee, persecuting Fiend, I will communicate with Wapping by this excellent arrangement! And not even thy grasping monopoly shall stay me. See, it leaves thy clumsy, old-fashioned, halting machinery nowhere ! 5 [ Endeavours to conduct a conversation through it. Demon of Paternal Government (dragging him away). Not a word, minion, shall you utter, except through me. Suecess has e me proud. Say that I take two hours to transmit your nine words to the other side of Billingsgate. What of that? You are my crea- ture—my slave. Ha! ha! After Eight p.m., try to communicate with—even Chelsea, and see what comesofit! _ Protected Briton. Mocking monster, thy rule iso’er! Behold,— these are my new friends ; and they will help me! The Scene opens and discloses the Angels of Private Enterprise descending in a silvery shower of Prospectuses, First Angel of Private Enterprise. Certainly, and we hope to make a good thing of this. The divine light of science can never be quenched for mere fiscal considerations. ‘ Second Angel of Private Enterprise. Never! especially when a great public interest is to be considered, and a handsome dividend expected. ? Protected Briton. Benevolent ‘beings, charge me, ultimately, what you will! Seder. at least, I am yours. Demon of Paternal Government (seizing him). Never! a re ago you signed this irrefragable compact with me (produces Act of Porkiament). Come. You are mine! ae Angels of Private Enterprise. Walker! Compel him, if you can. Demon of Paternal Government, I will, with this! (Waves hand. An Attorney-General springs up through a Vampire-trap.) See, my attendant spirit is about to wage an appeal for an interim in- ay in the a Et. Division, Ha! ha! And now,—do your worst [Tableau. Angels of Private En ise consulting a Solicitor. Protected Briton writing to the Times. Curtain. “He Ncow Serta Docoyt me Mata” (freely translated by Our School-boy at home for the holidays.) —‘‘ Castor oil follows Christmas trifle.”

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January 31, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON” CHARIVARI.

QUESTIONS TO BE ASKED. (On the Frontier—between"Science and Misgiving.) Pouncn’s function is to see and present the humorous side of things. But he is quite aware that most things have a serious side, besides, and that ar | often nothing suggests the serious side so strongly as the view of the humorous one. And growing out of the <_< side of things, are questions so serious that even Punch, with ro ty to Thus, buffo as he is, and with the wholesome fear of the Pall Mail before his eyes, and the knowledge that if he asks himself and other people disagreeable questions, or dares to feel, or say he feels, un- comfortable about our doings in Afghanistan, he must make up his mind to be called an unpatriotic and disaffected wretch who gloats over national difficulties—he cannot help asking, @ propos of our latest intelligence from that troublesome and tumultuous Afghan- istan, which we are making ‘‘friendly, united, and independent,” in such an original fashion,— Is Ir TRUE, that 25,000 Ghazis have collected fifty miles from Cabul, and intend advancing on the Capital ? Is rr TRUE, that large quantities of supplies are being collected for them in the Logar V ey? Is 1T TRUE, that ManomeD Jaw has written to the Chief of the Lughmanis, who has 20,000 followers ready to_co-operate with him in an attack on the British ? _Is rr Trvg, that on all sides there is every indication of prepara- tions for a serious and well-organised rising ? is rr True, that General Roserrs, in the midst of all this, has with him at Shirpur a force of only 3,000 effective Eui pean troops, and 4,800 natives ? _ Is 11 TRUE, that in spite of the undesirable gravity of the situa- tion, the Viceroy, and those who direct him, either can’t, or won’t say whether the country is to be evacuated, or annexed, and knows absolutely aoing of what will be done with it, if it is to be permanently held Is rr TRUE, that the Cabinet know no more on the subject, nay, if possible, even less, Lord Lytton ? Is ir TRUE, that Russia has succeeded in trailing a gigantic and costly red-herring across the scent for us in Central Asia, and may congratulate herself on seeing both the Jingo and Alarmist packs in full cry after it ? Is rt TRUE, that the present aspect of Asian and African affairs warrants Ministerial crowing ? AND Is IT TRUE, that the country finding itself involved in grave anxiety, and saddled with heavy expenditure, owing to the fight over a north-eastern frontier, scientific or otherwise, and the tales that hang thereby, Lord BEAcoNsFIELD will require something stronger than anew phrase to satisfy us that a lime-light policy bole either dignity or security to a great Empire?

Phebus and Cynthia. A LECTURE is reported to have been lately delivered at the British Horological Institute, Northampton Square, by Mr. G. N. WHIPPLE Chief of the Meteorological Department, Kew, “On Sunshine and the various modes of registering and observing it.” For more than twelve months the opportunities presented for the investigation of sunshine have been ae rare. But, in a world where decep- tion and illusion ever abound, there are always abundant facilities for observing and registering moonshine. ugh, can’t make fun, or make light of them. |i

CAB OWNERS ON CAB ACCIDENTS, Tuts island is one of the Society Islands—though a long way from the others. Great Britain is an d of societies, some reasonable, others ridiculous. Success to a Social Alliance with something like a —, e—the Streets Accident oe pommel any. A anciely cheve-eames wes wel upon a few days ago, at offices in Bi te, by « deputation representing the London Cab Proprietcrs. utions for the protection of life and limb must, of course, involve ae. For example, the compelling cabs to carry lights at night ye Of course it was not the mere cost of providing lamps that the cab P objected to. “ The cab-interest,” said a Mr. Menxry, Pe 5 she balng, ecterten epeye oll ctnas velpeleg Sr Se Save ous distinction obliged to carry ” This, however, fe was told the Bosisty tid mat prem for, ft desired lights to bs i at nights, ‘‘down to a * further arguments to urge ‘* Mr. Kina, another cab proprietor, said it was a question whether lights on cabs at night did not actually cause accidents, as the ‘hansoms,’ which ney ase erties Gap Ce Rapreiadion, waa SS ash ee that cab-lights attract silly le as assist perverse simpletons to into Waiving the connection of lights way of cause and effect, he went on to that those accidents occurred from various causes—most of those whom they befell. This of Sane illustrated by one more in the cab interest, a Mr. particular, putting the ca ’s case thus :— public stood on the kerb of a road, and, instead of look- the right for the coming traffic, dashed towards the road with their faces left, where the traffic was going, and so themselves caused accidents,” isissomething new. Most people imagine that'street traffic runs fro, from right to left and vice versd. But, assuming that everybody well knew it ran all one way, Mr. Case continued :— “ Newspapers and the Magistrates sometimes held that the public had a right to road ; but the Superior Courts had ruled that the public hada right only to the a, ond} that the roadway was to be used by passen- gers with care and judgment. Ifa person crossed the road where there was no crossing, he was bound to use special care, while a driver had to use care at crossings.”’ In saying this Mr. Cask probably meant to say no more than he said. But perhaps what too many a cabman may imagine him to have meant is, that the driver is bound to drive carefully over croemngs only, and that everywhere else in the open street it is solely the concern of the foot-passenger to look out for himself, and mind not to get driven over, care not to drive over him not aeing the cab-driver’s business at all. To disabuse both cabmen and ca etors of this impression will, of course, be one of the first usinesses of the Street Accident Prevention Society. ; In the meanwhile the ideas of cabmen with regard to crossings may be a matter for the attention of Mr. Cross. The Right Hon. Gentle will, perhaps, consider what it is that renders it not argue or man impossible to make cabs carry lights in the British Metropolis, while they are made to do so in other European Capitals.

ASSIZE ECONOMY. A Gewriteman of the Bar on Circuit at Carnarvon informs a contemporary of the following facts :— Mr. Justice Grove was trying prisoners in the Crown Court at that place, a single prisoner, awai his trial on the morrow at the umaris Assizes for a trivial offence committed in the next County, Anglesey, lay a few yards off in Carnarvon Gaol. This solitary captive would have to be conveyed to Beaumaris, there to take his trial before a Judge who, but for that single case on the Calendar, would have been entitled to a pair of white kid gloves. As neither was there any civil cause to be tried, High Sheriff, Grand cuaems, Coe — = Sage Pet would all ry hy attend and m er ’s Judge, with nothing more o among ae eS Tach g aragonite ut for ‘‘ the inflexibility of existi ,”’ the prisoner = have walked over cap ae had his case Mand. y of at arnarvon. As it was, J and Prisoner, in order that the former might try the latter, oon headed to travel some sixteen miles into the “Changed Gite bets Cinial edimmon thie cslitery pei babl with but a 50 prisoner probably was not even handcuffed. If he was, aid nt the most appro- priate material for his manacles have been red tape ?

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act Sg eR a aE

ee

THE RISING BUFFO. (Judged by the Setting One.) Surest proof of Old Star loquitur— ** LARGO al Factotum!” Ah! Feels the character, no doubt. ‘* Hailed as leading buffo?’”’ Bah! Older hands could bowl him out. Of my quality a touch Might perhaps his pride diminish. Lots of ** go” —maybe too much— But no finish ! Palls on palate. Bellows plenty, acting fair, Phrasing sometimes really neat, But he overmarks the air— Needs no end of tact to tell How to manage fiorituri— Deals too much in trill and swell, Flash and fury. Toujours perdrix—rather say, Dish that is all Sauce piquante, This crude vigour that you vaunt. Forte and staccato tire ; Dolce does it very often. Florid force and firework fire Art should soften. Clear cantabile, with swell And crescendo now and then— That’s the sort of thing to tell, With the general run of men. Public has a taste for throats That can run the seale—it fires

green conceit. them ; Bat a song that’s all top-notes Quickly tires them. Much to learn, my Buffo bold !— _ Though your “‘ means” are fairly zg — Ere the house you fix and hold As a leading Singer should. Mellowness, restraint, and tone, Taste of point and flash less greedy : These are things to make your own— Ezperto crede ! ’T will not pay—

Bark and Bite. Mr. SMELFUNGUS writes to suggest that as Quinine is the known specific for Ague, and as sufferers in the cold fits of the shakes are Chilly ’uns, par excellence, no doubt the Chilians owe their recovery from their cold fits to having taken the Peruvian Bark, not, how- ever—under its usual name of Chinchona, but Huascar.

MOST WELCOME. Tue House of Representatives of the United States have voted Mr. Parwev a reception in their Chamber. Suppose they kept him there till they see how they like him as a Representative Man.

Anoanp Tur Baccaanrs,—A False Alarm—the Royal Tattoo. Disorganisation of Charity. A BENEVOLENT man, named Garpwer, has left a sum of no less than £300,000 for the benefit of the blind. Let us hope that most of this money is not destined in the long run to be expended on bricks-and-mortar, and so prove less beneficial to the Blind than the Builder.

THE GRANOM SALI. One true thing Parner said in his Newark speech the other day— “ We in Ireland are not listened to in England.” Would we could add, ‘‘ Nor in Ireland either.”

MrssMatrs,— Waders in the mud of the London streets after a thaw.

|

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‘“ BUFFO.”

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Jaxvary 31, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 45 NEW TITLES FOR MR. PUNCH’S DUMMY BOOK-SHELF, Tus True Function of the Dura Mater. By Mrs. Byrcue Ropp. Flora of the Islands. By Cuantes Ep- WARD StTvuaRt. On the Incubation of Rabbits. By an —_*s a . _, THE MODERN MAZEPPA. Inhabitant of Co’ny Hatch. On the Preservation of Unstable Equili- brium. By Professor BLonpiy. New Siler hical Studies from Zulu- . HoMAS WueTHAM. With Illustrations by Alderman Norrace. A Run on the High Sea. By Signor Maxio. Mountain Gorges; or, My Pic-nics among the Alps. By an Alderman. Analysis of English Metres, By the of the Chartered Gas Company. How I Came to be Landed on the Nasal Promontory. By Commander Benpico. ** Alone upon the Watch.’ Dedicated to es A By Onriey Haxvvr. .B. “* The Watering Pot of Cast Tron.” . oe tose of . panion to ‘‘ The By Yaxoos Kuan. In the Right Place. Wrra Caar.es in the Chamber of Horrors, And Tracy’s wreath upon show, Who dares say Peace with Honour Is not found chez Madame Tvussavp P TOUCHING THRIFT. ‘* Magnum vectigal est parsimonia,” says the head—which the Lorp Mayor, following Lord Derpy’s lead, has been setting to his lieges of London, by presiding over a Conference of the Thrift Society, at the Mansion House, on the 27th ult. What the Thrift Society may have done, or be doing, Punch is, he blushes to say, i t. All he knows is that like most societies, Of all modern discoveries the most valuable is the florin: it defies arithmetic, both mental and physical, to calculate the immense saving that has accrued from the substitution of this coin for the half-crown. The superiority of the threepenny over the fourpenny- piece must be obvious to the meanest capacity. _ A saved (in a ray Bank) is a penny gained. you come home from your office or counting-house or chambers, put on an old coat, and so be at once comfortable and it has been asking for money—its list of Vice-Presidents being thrift followed by a notice, to which he gladly gives his publicity :— “That funds to ca on and develop the work of the National Thrift Society are much needed, and will be thankfully received by the Treasurer or Secretary, at the London Offices, 14, Finsbury Circus, E.0.” Any sowing of the seed of Thrift in the very nursery-ground of Mammon, which we take the City to be, ought to be ft good omen. Thrift is an old-fashioned plant, which of late has not been supposed to flourish, as of old, along with London Pride. Let us hope the two growths will henceforth blossom side by side. The Conference P me included a paper, or speech—why not save pen and ink by the use of tongue ?—by Professor Lronz Levi on,** the Margin for Saving.” Suppose the Professor had fol- lowed it up by a song :— Arrn—“ On the Margin of Zurich's fair waters.” On the margin for saving ’s my quarters, In a garden with “ thrift” planted gay, Where my lectures will teach wives and daughters ba make eg J _—_- = — way. e pence if they'll prudently spar The runt of eanives will take ~_— Oh, list to me, Ladies, I pray— If a margin for saving you ’d lay— That’s the way! Then Mr. BLancHarD JERROLD discoursed on “ Thrift amongst the French Peasantry.” Among our own clodhoppers, with 14s. a week to find husband, wife, and family in clothes and shelter, food and fire, there does not seem to be a wide in for the cultivation of thrift, but something, no doubt, could be done, above all by more pe how to make money go farthest in food, for which Eng: land looks to South Kensin and Mr. Buckmaster. Why of the Unit of peed cookery, by the hte st De: Rureustoee en tee e 0 ery, side . RICHARDSON, as teacher of thriff in drink.” What ‘branch of thrift Cardinal Mame NING represented we know not. At all events, thrift deserves to be, if it is not, a virtue. Instead of a contribution in ea Punch offers the Society a few of his own ideas on the subject of Thrift. Cash is the fairy of the stor wicked giant that swallows up everybody and everything. he guinea is a stupid anachronism. y: , a a __ Never call a cabif you can catch an omnibus; never ride in either if you can walk. Satie“ patecaerins” Porn: turn wool envelopes fncide out Ge ing” Pore: turn u envelopes inside out ; tear off and turn to account blank pages of notes ae ey Never be idle: even when you sit over the fire, employ yourself usefully in pi up the cinders. our poets speaks, deprecatingly, of ‘‘ wasting in ;” do not you waste in any mood or state of mind, ake care of the pence, and the halfpence too. Homage to the family joint ! ; Sternly diseountenance all jeers and jibes at that excellent dish— money, cold mutton. ‘amili your children early with such terms as “ ready c cash payments,” “ disvount,” ** economy,” “ income, ’ € Read to as a great treat, narratives of poor boys coming to London with halle -cten in their pocket anf oulislag from busi- ness worth ” + When you take your yyang filles out for a walk, let it have as its objective,” a Savings , a Provident Institution, or a-Self- Dispensary. Point these buildings out with the appro- you change a sovereign. ou can answer “‘ Yes,” you may ift Conference.” Are you bright, thrice, before home? If attend a “ tempered on each recurrence of this fixture in the domestic calendar? Are you more than resigned to cold meat— it? If so, you are ex-officio entitled to move a resolution. not den: rational Resort to the national ond ies on those days when are open free, enjoy and mon gaze into shop windows, and increase drama and music whenever you ean get admissions for y nothing vegetate pound a week or are burdened with fifty thonennd 6 ene, hsther ye is the size of a billiard-table, amusement. of life; credit the ogre, the | or as roomy as a small oad your borders be set thick with Thrift—Thrift—nothing but Thrift. Lord BEaconsFrELy’s Fawcr—" Peace with Honour.” Mr, Giap- stonz’s—** Peace, with Homexr,”’

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BAVA IIVY — one ROU OOA LENRZARUd TUM guaHdSOKLY SHL 40 GZLVI8 GAL ] 2sua0o Jo ‘yova GNV SAVY “Lg OL ONL MON HOVOD-EOVIg GHL NO vag v auvi “AEM 00g ‘wovig v ‘RI Od OL ILVHA MON (‘moys fo puay euv oym oso? os) . «SAWIL Q10,, ade ~"THY AT IVHO NOGNOT C , WO HON ad

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OF THAT DEAR LITTLE Rep E—AND YOU CAN PLAY AT BEING YOUR OWN GRANDFATHER (OR YOUR GRAND- AWE SIAIE OF THE ATMUSPHRERE Witt: PREVENE FU PRUE SEE Se hae Are as Mr. Morris mas it iN Tax BsRTHLY PiRaDIs Home 1x YOUR Best CHIPPENDALE ARM-CHAIR, WITH YouR FreTr on THE Br ’ KAR One BY THe Liam ow Aa co WHY, TAKE A SEAT ON THE STAGE-LOACH NOW RUNNING TO OT. ALBANS AND BACK, OF COURSE! “ FORGET THE SPREADING OF THE HIDEOUS Town,” MOTHER, IF YOU LIKE), JUST AS COMFORTABLY AS IF YOU WERE SITTING AT mer ceo bhe NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO IN A DLACK FOGT AND THE TELEGRAPH-POLES, AND ENABLE YOU TO ses Fenper, iN THE Warnsoorep Back Partoun ” > omar Low anit ft (N_B Ma Ponce MEANS Te ree um ¥ 4O AZINE COM MM CRNTLEM ANS AND BEADENG Tene TAM EMC Sips wy ew Yor oem Om January 31, 18£0,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ih | i \ ik , Hy ay I — . . Hf N GULLS | ? Dntiay ALY WIDLUND Ot one tres 7 Db fa ‘pI wile | } | in pis ey fr one | 4 | ga in’ ht MATTER OF TASTE. S| Y, | 4 ve lull J Wa | A BUI if = ee si Conductor (putting his head inside). “‘ONLY ROOM FOR ONE, WHICH SHALL WE ’AVE?”’ Stout Old Gentleman, **Tax Li1tte One!” Nice Young Gentleman. ‘‘Tax Parrry One!” MORE CARDS ALREADY! THE mighty Marcus, scarcely breathed From sleet of Christmas C ard, In card-house of St. Valentine Holds us again at Waxp ! With Hearts and Darts, and Loves and Doves, And floating Fays and Flowers, Weaving us, three weeks in advance, The daintiest of bowers ! With too much of them thrust on us, E’en soft sweet things seem hard. Must Punch, must England, old and young, Henceforth ‘‘ live by the card ”’ ? For ever on the watch for Warp, Or rueing De ta Rog, Without whose cards in days of old One wonders how time flew. Taose constant cards, that, weeks ahead, me knocking at our doors ; fo pretty, we can’t shut them out, So thick, they pile our floors. This card-play may be Play to you, In death to me ma Who have to fall in ittle loves To whom your loves to send. Forbear, O Warp, O De ra Ruz, Draw your cards mild for me ; — surely, for the day he card thereof should be! Ps of the food your card-play finds For tery artists, bards, Would that the year, like H be of 8 lists, Could be inscribed ‘* No Cards!” “OUR OPENING DAY.” Tat Ministers may not be taken by surprise, Mr. Punch begs to pas 5. a list of subjects, as to which information will probably ave to be given before the close of the coming Session. Lord Beacons Frontier— (a) in id. — Exact definition required of a Scientific orth Western India ; (b) in South Africa. ry.—F r ormation desired relative to— (1) Asia Minor ; (2) Cyprus; and (3) Egyptian Finance. Lord Cranbrook.—Explanation expected with regard to “ Rules to be observed by Special Co ents attached to armies in the field.” (1.) Why were m (2.) Why they were rescinded. Lord John y+ ham f —More light to be Seeve upon the relations of the Fost Sore Authorities and the Tel —- Mr. W. W. H. Smith.—Intelligence will Oblige on the position of the ¢ Royal Marine Artillery, and the Zhunderer’s surviving gun. Colas Stanley.—F ull explanation of the scheme for forming a cope of Army Reserve Officers, and an outline of the future of the unteers. Mr. Cross.—Pilea in confession and avoidance to charges of recent jobs, and observations invited on Railway negligence in general, and shunting accidents in First Commissioner A Public Works.—Production: of any plans thah in Stee may . to recommend or consider for the scavenging of streets, the planting and flowering of open spaces, and information as to any shove that can be given to the rather slow movement for the inscribing of street-names on street-lamps, for the convenience of night- ers or night-ri in London. Secretary for Ireland.—Statement of measures in contemplation - a gr 0 districts. nd Cha wT the Exchequer.—Any scheme he may be pee with for im the condition of coversment Writers, any standing contemplation for getting I rish Obstruction cat of the way. Speciinc Reroznm in Sparn.—A pronunciamiento,

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48 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (January 31, 1880. CHLORAL. (Un Two Lighte—the Blue and the True.) HLoRAL! of blue-blood the uest, Aleohol’s and Chlo- rine’s daughter, Youth and beauty that renewest, Night’s long watches making shorter. Blithely raise a pean choral Round thy fount of blessings, Chloral ! Toss no more in vigils lengthy, Sigh no more for day- light’s peeping ; Sweet and soft falls thy nepenthe, In its calm worn spirits steeping. Truly “Amor vincit om- nia, Chloral’s love can cure Insomnia ! (P.7.0.) Cuiorat! spawn of depths abysmal, of restlessness Spring and raving, Fancies sick and visions dismal— Source of still insatiate craving. When the once-blest light auroral Breaks thy feverish spell, oh Chloral, Comes Reaction’s Nemesis, And the soul in Tophet sinking, Woos again thy fatal kiss— ; Woos, and ends in endless drinking, Till to the unplumbed abysm Sink thy victims, Chloralism ! MIND YOU DON’T BURN YOUR FINGERS. As the Metropolitan Fire oy is a deserving body, and as any Charity using its name, whether colourably or honestly, is very likely to be met with open hand and purse, it may be well for Punch to give the benefit of his publicity to a cautionary paper which has been put into his hands, warning the public against a in a name that may easily be mistaken for that of the Metropolitan Fire Brigade. The circular is pithily couched, thus :— **Lonpon AND SuBURBAN Frere BRIGADE AND DIsaBLeD FIREMEN’s Revizsr AND Pension AssociaTIon. Office: East Temple Chambers, Whitefriars, E.C.—It is not necessary to caution the Public against sub- seribing to the above, when they see the Working Committee, Secretary, Treasurer, Captain, Collector, List of Pensioners, &c., &c. ; but they can see for themselves whether it is worthy of support. I will give you a list of the above : — Seeretary—Samvust Simson Seccomspe. Treaswrer—Samvuer Simson Seccompe. Sole Committee—Samuzi Simson Seccompr. Sole Pensioner (s)—Samvuzi Simson Szccompeg. Captain of Brigade—Samvue. Simson Szeccomer. Collector—Samurt Simson Seccompe. Private Address, 41, Hill Street, Peckham.—There is no such Fire Brigade in exist- ence. There is no such Pension Association in existence. There is no such Committee, excepting 8.5. Seccompz. There are no such Pensioners, ex- cepting 8. 8. Seccompz. Two men have had three months’ imprisonment for collecting for the above Shams.—For further particulars spply at any Metropolitan Fire Station, or any branch of the Charity Organisation Society.” WHO’D HAVE THOUGHT OF SEEING HIM ? Iw the first rank of the Committee of Management of ‘‘ The House- holders’ Pure Milk Supply” Association, stands the name of our old friend ‘‘ Simpson!” Smpson, who hasso often milked the cow with the iron tail, that in the language of the milk-walk he has become identified with the animal! Smpson = Pump! A Householders’ Pure Milk Supply Association, with ‘‘ Snrpson”’ in the forefront of it, reminds Punch of the old Scotch story—it is Seandinavian too—of the farmer and his family who were changin their abode to eseape a ** bogie”—** What, you’re flitting?” ask a neighbour, meeting the cart, loaded with their “‘ sticks.” ‘‘ Yes, we're flitting,”’ answered the family ghost from inside the churn. So ‘‘Srupson”’ seems to speak out of the pail of the ‘‘ House- holders’ Pure Milk Supply Association.” Let us hope the Association will not prove the old farce, ‘‘ Smrpson & Co.” in another dress ! A NEW VIEW OF THE NEW REGISTRAR. GENERAL. Mr. Puncn, Ir has been said that the only qualification which Sir Brrpers HENNIKER possesses for the post to which he has recentl been appointed by the Prime Minister is that he is a well-connec baronet. This is one of those half traths which are often more mis- leading and more injurious to those whom they concern than delibe- rate misstatements. It is no doubt true—and you may make the most of it—that the Registrar-General comes of an old family, and that the Postmaster-General takes a fraternal interest in him. For the matter of that, you and I are of ancient lineage, and you, at an rate, excite more interest every week in the minds of Her Majesty’s Ministers than any number of well-connected baronets can hope to do during their collective lifetimes. But Sir Brypers has clai on the Conservative Party such as you and I will never have. Your memory is so retentive that it is hardly necessary that I should remind you of his connection with the Felstead affair. Mr. Grienon had for many years been notorious throughout the country, not merely as a ieal schoolmaster, but as what was far worse, a su one. It is painful to think of the number of ingenuous lads, many of them the sons of Conservative parents, whom he im- bued in his time with revolutionary principles. You will remember the short work which was made of him by Sir Brypees sitting as Chairman with his compact little body of. true-blue co-trustees. They did their duty thoroughly on that occasion; and no English Gentleman of proper feelings will grudge Sir Brypers his reward for the Spartan ess with which then as now he disregarded the impotent outery of his victim and his sympathisers, ,and the venomous abuse of the Radical Press. And do you think, Sir, that Lord Beacowsrrerp forgets these things ? Of all parts of the body-politic there is none in which the reten- tion of a Conservative spirit is more absolutely necessary than in the Civil Service. Of late years, I regret to say, there have not been wanting symptoms that all is not as it should bein it. For some time*past there have been mutterings, more or less indistinct, at the appointments more or less numerous of young gentlemen more or less well connected and deserving more or less light and lucrative non-competitive appointments in the majority of our public offices. This sort of thing, Sir, must be put down with a strong hand. Clerks must be taught to know their places, and to keep their mouths shut. And, trust me, the military training of Sir Brrnees Hen- NIKER will stand him in good stead in dealing with this class of persons. I shall be much surprised if he does not very soon read one or two of them a lesson they will not readily forget, if they try to come any of Mr. GricNnon’s tricks over him. You may depend upon it, that in putting him at the head of an important Government Department, those who are responsible for his appointment have for once got the right man in the right place. And so say his Sisters, and his Cousins, and his Aunts, as well as yours truly, A THoroveH-sorne AND WELIL-ConNECTED Tory. Extra-Parliamentary Utterances. ( William’ s Light on them.) “To see this age !—A sentence is but a cheveril glove to a good wit; how quickly the wrong side may be turned outward!” Twelfth Night, Act III. s. 1. ‘*‘A LESSON OUT OF THE MANCHESTER SCHOOL.” [Puncn has much pleasure in publishing this fair and temperate correction of an error into which he unwittingly fell. ] To the Editor of Punch, Srr,—Although only a Publican, I feel certain that you will not refuse to read, if you do not insert, a word or two anent the above article. In it you say :— * In the eleven Sundays on which the Gallery of the Institution has been open, 51,678 persons have visited it, most of them of the class to whom the Public is the only available Sunday recreation between two and five, hours during which Public-houses are open, and Churches closed.” Now, the latter part of this remark is not strictly correct. The Act obliges us to close at three o’clock, and re-open atsix. There is but little difference in the Provinces in res of these hours. We are, Sir, a much-maligned class; but, at the same time, we know we have your countenance, if only we manage our houses in the way they should be managed. - ‘ To the movement for the opening of Picture-Galleries on Sunday Ijwish the utmost possible success. ours, A Mancuester Bone. @@ To Conzusrowpawm.— The Editor does not hold himself bound to ac knowledge, stamped and directed envelope ee Se In ne case can these be returned wnless accompanted by a should be kept.

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Fesrvary 7, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. Sees PO OW “TOO BAD!” The New Cook. ‘‘ Weir, I pectare! Here 1’ve BEEN AND Give’ Six Guineas For A NEW Deess TO KEEP UP THE R’SPECTA- BILITY OF THE ’OUSE, AND HERE’s Mises, in A pDowpy Tarrety Sarin’ ‘ UtsTRer,’ A-comIN’ FROM THAT THERE ‘ LADIES’ Co-OPERATIVE EcomwoMICAL MILLINGERY AssocraTion’!” SAFEGUARDING THE EMPIRE. (An Imperial Eclogue.) INTERLOCUTORS—Benjamin, an ancient Swain; Betsy Prig, an elderly Nymph. Betsy. An! go it, my Benzamtn, go it! and don’t you be dashed by them Rads Which the old woman’s reglar ashamed of, the paltry poor-sperrited Cads! As would choke down Imperial Instinks, as Eving implants in our ‘arts To teach us we ’re cocks of all walks, spite of ’umbugging low forren parts. BENJAMIN. Ah, Betsy, if all were like you, what a rare rosy time I should have In my efforts to counterwork GLADSTONE, and checkmate the insolent Slay! But, wee Buu seems shifting his blinkers—ahem !—I mean dropping his cker, His conscience is apt to grow tender in sight of an empty Exchequer. Betsy. Pooh, pooh! Peg away, my dear Ben. Afghanistan is ourn every hinch. Can’t we do what we like with our own? You've a trick or two left, at a pinch. There ’s them Ingyan Princes, you know, they ’re all game for a nive bit of prig! bebe =~ bustle them Rooshians delightful, the imperdent Waggabones! wig BENJAMIN. You were meant for a Ruler of Men, with ‘‘a hand full of sceptres,” dear ETSY, In von . your gingham, though that has much helped me, my old Petsy- e y: Only one little hint I must give, don’t get too sublimely ecstatic, Or speak out too plainly, my Paice, for you see that is scarce diplomatic. : Betsy. Dipplymattic be—well, there, I won’t—but it do rouge me up, that it do: My uzzum ’s abile when I thinks of that bloodthirsty Muskywhite crew, A pickin’ and stealin’ all round amidst England’s pecooliar perks. ghts? ve one’s no right to no rights, cept ourselves and our pardners the urks, BENJAMIN. Humph! perfectly sound, my sweet Bersy, in principle, perfectly so, But a leetle too nakedly put ; apt to startle the weak- knee’d, you know. Neat phrases that cover no end without scaring the pious Give Imperial principles pl d hem f ive Imperi neiples play, and yet save them from being dubbed ** wae” Betsy. The frontier you called scientific, they say ’s on the shift. Well, what then ’ ’Tisn’t like the equator—a fixture. We'll shift it agen and agen. Like a pencil-line marked on a map, Ingy-rubber ’Il soon wipe it out. Our frontier is jest where we want it, of that only fools ’ave a doubt. BEenJAMIN. Good again, my dear Betsy! Our plan for safeguarding the Empire is plain: We will go wheresoever we wish, and wheresoever we choose will remain. But that’s entre nous, my sweet Paria, in acquainting Joun Butt with our game Imperium atque libertas sounds better—and means just the same ! [Left chuckling. MILLENNIAL MAXIM. S1 vis pacem, para bellum. Is it a belief in this maxi n that induces the Great Powers of Europe to go on arming each against each in a entienslig increasing ratio? If so, how extremely pacific their intentions must be ! VOL, LXXVIII, F — - —~ _ . ee Arg te ib: era orale ee

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50 [Fesruary 7, 1880, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “MALBROOK S’EN VA-T-EN GUERRE!” (See the Prince Chancellor’s scheme for increase of the German Army.)

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Fesrvary 7, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FAVOURITE LITTLE GAMES. (Of States and Statesmen, Organs and Classes.) ‘Tell me what you play at and I'll tell you what you are.”’ Prince coment Patna my neighbour. Lord Beaconsfield — Hazard and Blind man’s buff. Prince Gortschakoff—Brag. M. Gambetta—The waiting game. The a wicket. The Sultan—Blind Hookey. Russia—Prisoners Base. German Empire—Tug of War. The French Republic—Outside Edge (Ice marked ‘‘ Dangerous.”’) A... Henry Layard—Bull in the China- shop. Lord Salisbury— Cross questions and Crooked answers. Lord Lytton—Follow my Leader. The Right Hon. Sir Stafford Northcote— Open your mouth and shut your eyes. Mr. Parneli—Bull-baiting. Mr. Biggar and the Irish Obstructionists —Bill-sticking. Messrs. O’ Connor Power, Davitt, Killen, Brennan §& Co.—Pat-riotiem. The Right Hon. W. H. Smith and Col. Stanley—Ducks and Drakes. Mr. Cross.—Paving (in a certain place). Mr. Gladstone—Felling a tree and taking the stump afterwards. Sir Wiliam Harcourt—Vivisection, and sticking things in Cabinets on points. Sir Wilfrid Lawson—Bowls (flowing only with tea and coffee). The Pall Mall Gazette—Bait the Bear. . = Times—Round about the gouseberry- ush. The Daily Telegraph—Montagnes Russes. The British ‘Matr —Thimble-rig. John Bull—Fog-signalling. The Civil Service Commissioners—Paper Mr. Punch. — Electric lighting and Heliography. Irish Obstructives to Irish Aid. Uncte Sam is showing his sense by sending his liberal contributions in_relief of Irish distress through all channels ex- cept the cruelly warped ones of Messrs. Parnett and Dritoy. The arch-agitator has the impudence to accuse the Duchess of Martsoroven’s and all other relief encies, except his own, of political bias. This is the Gracchi complaining of sedition with a vengeance! Pigs, we know, cut their own throats in trying to keep their heads above water. This Irish Mis-leader seems involuntarily to be imitating the short-sighted Irish animal. If any man could have frozen the current of charity— in New World and Old—it would be such a bitter and malignant advocate of mutual hate, civil strife, anarchy, and insecurity of life and property, as Cuarces STUART PARNELL. The Jolly Beggars! In the Swiss Cantons bordering on Ger- many, we are told, there is much complaint of the influx of German beggars, who, even when conducted across the Frontier, speedily ° appy beggars, who can get away from Vaterland just now! Under the ad- ditional weight of military service, latel laid on German backs by the Great ona Busy B., it is only the beggars who are able to be choosers—and seem to choose wisely —on the principle of any place rather than ».a8 Bismarck and Militarism have made it. . ” ) ‘ } x n f AL iB, ) TY) vy Yah J Wi } Vy) ae ’ aly 4; yA } —— ———————— IN POSSESSION. Lady (who wants to sit down). “* Wii you sit 1x MY Lar, Dariine?” Darling. ‘‘Sanx you—Il’ve por a CHarr !”’ HINTS FOR A NEW AND ORIGINAL DRAMATIC CHarTer V. Position—Society—One Remark—Rule—Example— Considerations— Conscientiousness— heory—Lecture—Future— Examination. Postrton, like possession, is nine points of the law. The Position of the Actor d ds upon character and situation. This is equally true whether on or off the stage. very Actor resembles a servant out of place, inasmuch as he is always on the look-out for a first-rate situation. We will now consider his position on the stage—taking for granted that the stage is elevated to about its usual height above the level of the orchestra. Now, Gentlemen, let us consider ‘‘ position on the stage.’’ Position on the stage is not a social question, it is simply artistic. What is to be his position off the stage de s entirely on himself. If he has had the advantages of a Public School and University Education, then he commences on an equal footing with most of the “ aristocracy and gentry,” and a consider- able proportion of the so-called li professions. There are,true Gentlemen in all grades of society, from the Courtier to the Costermonger ; so the social question may be > once and for all, with this remark, that Actor or Artist, unless he has consorted as a boy on equal terms with the ‘‘Swells,” who subsequently admit him within their charmed circle, is in danger of ‘‘ kootooing ” to such leaders of contemporary fashion as affect to patronise and charitably tolerate those, who, but for their success in their art, would be the pout unclassed ; for though the Actor is a “‘ Professional” Actor, and the Artist a “‘ Pro- essional” Artist, and the Author a ‘‘ Professional Writer,’’ yet neither Stage, nor Painting, nor Literature is ranked as a profession, to be recognised equally with the Church, the Law, the Army or Navy. So to resume. The Actor is sufficiently accustomed to the inquiry, ‘‘ What will he stand ?” but he cannot always so readily reply to the question, “‘ How he will stand, or where he will stand.” Let it be the purpose of this day’s lecture to consider seriously the elementary rules of our noble dramatic art for the study of which this glorious Co was founded. Rule 1st.— Always take the centre of the . Should = 4 y else be there before you, get in front of him. Your object being to be and seen by the audience, it is your duty to place yourself in as prominent a position as possible COLLEGE. This elementary principle is equally applicable to Supers who have a line to speak, as, for ee ee es

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52 PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARL [Fesrvary 7, 1880, instance—‘‘ My an example. involve ? First—By whom are they uttered ? Secondly—To whom are they uttered ? Thirdly—The place where ese thoy are uttered. Fourthly—The time when they are uttered. ifthly—The occasion of their utterance, To begin with these considerations :— Lord, the carriage waits.” Let us take this line as That does the conscientious study of these words pate ae Aes are uttered by a servant. ‘o his master. Thirdly—In the — room, Fourthly—Mornin Fifthiy—To lead S an effective exit. Pod aor e, the Censelontions o happens to cast for the » will at once ask himself, “What sort of a servant am I to supvonant Am r to be old or young, ged? Am I to increase my height ? Am I to be an upright servant, or a humpbacked servant? Am I devoted to my master as my benefactor, or do I detest him as a purse-proud tyrant? or is his exist- ence a matter of the most profound indifference tome?” All this is im- a in the one weed “ study. . g we opt as a theory that this se rvant, whom our Conscien- Artist has to represent, is bound byt Leg of the strongest gratitude to ; his master. Then he will throw great tenderness inte his glanee, and will deliver the line— ‘* My Lord, the waits,”—with such intensity, such Ly dently suppressed " and such affectionate fervour, bring bye? to the pa of the audience. On the other oman we ve servant to be nouieaing a secret hate of the yoyo 1 pe he wears, how different will be his reading of the Bee ! He will room oppressed by a sense of slavery, BP will glower round 4 all ‘the signs of wealth and juxur ich onl ++ remind him of his servitude, and, as he calls to mind very announcement he has come to make does but recall to him yf he perforce must walk while others F oe he will convey to the audience by one aside scowl, one short sh clenching of his fist on the side away from his master, by the dilated nostril, and by his cutting tone, the depth of hate that underlies the words—* My Liege, the carriage waits.” Yet again. The Conscientious Artist must inquire at head quar- ters, that is, of the author, for all particulars, and if the author be unable to convey his own meaning, or, if he have no meaning to convey, then the actor must do the best he can, and create a character for himself. He ean, for example, be a faithful old domestic who weeps whenever he sees any of the family in whose service he has spent the best years of his life, in which case he will = pul in a broken voice through the words “My Li the carriage—waits! 7 as though came welling up from an overcharged ‘= and then, when un- observed—for he would not distress the family or their visitors—he will sob in corners, hit his chest, shake his head speemedionliy, P down his cnet. and finall by "the a rds— master wit: **Tell them I come,”’—he will burst into tears, silent unobtrusive tears, and exit. If the servant belong] to a gloom household, let him be the only gay an cheerful in it, and let him say, with a ch ul smile, and in a hearty Voice “My Lord, the carriage waits! ”’— as though the vehicle were iia to take his master out to « pie-nic, a dance, a dinner, a five o'clock tea, or a party of pleasure. Such hints as the above will suggest many other questions, and go to show how much there is for ‘‘ study,” even in ihe vey smallest, and apparently least important part. The foregoing may be taken as a slight enageetion for the theme of > elementary lecture. We will return to lectures in a future chapter. At the Dramatic College there will be an examination for all the dramatis persone in every piece, + “oma a knowledge of History, Geography, Music, Grammar, &c. For instance, take the model tn "Box and Coz. Thereare only three characters in it. The Examination-paper for the three people playing this would be something of this sort :— 1. Who was Bor? Whowas Cox? What data have you for their a ages hat was Mrs. Bouncer’s ostensible suple 4 Sippons, at =’ time of her career, have refusing this part ? If so, state when, and give your reasons. 3. Isthere any ground for the supposition that Mrs. Bouncer was awidowf If not, who was Mr. Bouncer ? 4. What was Penelope Anne’s married name ? 5. State the peculiar relations existing between Bor, Cox, Penelope Anne, and point out their bearing on the situations, 6. Sketch Bozx’s costume, giving your reasons for so dressing him. be Boz’s “make-up” ? * What Do the same for Cor. What shoul Coz’s? State your reasons. 7. What were the slee se arrangements for Bor and Coz, about which Mrs. Bouncer had to be so peculiarly careful ? 8. Give a list of the properties, stage and personal, required for this Farce. Specify the eatables, Of what would they he composed ? me Is" A Set” necessary? Or can Boz and Coz be played with a ay of flats?” If not, why not? State what doors and windows are “ practicable” in the Scene. our reasons. Describe the position of the place where Cor kept is hate? From where did he fetch his tea-things ? Where was the other vacant room in Mrs. Bouncer’s house? 12. Give Boz’s own account of how he became of the tossing shilling, and state your moral deductions therefrom as affecting the representation of this character. woth In ip your oy ent, as influencing the reading of the character, ght or not? What would be his attitude on either su soppeiin Whe ie Mr. Knox? Is there any reason for supposing that ny UL ro mn justifi | either Boz, or Coz, had any ae f acquaintance with this ntleman 4 15. What were the grounds of identifieation of Coz as Boz’s long- lost Brother? What dramatic action do you consider as absolutely necessary to this situation ? From this it will be evident how much there is to be learnt by the Dramatic Student, and taught by the Professor, who must Lf possess a — ‘knowledge of what he is talking about .* De FY UT |e \\\\ Rs Prorzsson MAWLEY HAND-IN-GLOVE WiTH Henry Invine, Esa. * The amiable and enthusiastic Professor MonLey takes every opportunity he can get of lecturing on the Stage, but has he ever written a pieco— et a pesos oven Paaee one of the three parts in Box PS 'dinon writing this, | have read The Theatre (a 3 Magasine chiefly for ve e re e the Theatrical Profession) for this month, wherein I that Professor Mor he hans ulnve ty the peboeogl Payee ma paeeeee e to ve e pro’ players. Iam mollified—I Should be | Morley-fied. Farewell, Profesor =— Ivy Worps were Tutyes.—The new expedition to the Pole—a mere Cheyne Walk !

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oslngerent: = : oy neo oat . rey iene ee ea ne os en a - ~~ —— DOLE TELS: IONE TERR Hay te Biot rent - -« a —- = a ; eee nae — - : = — = ee _ — —

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| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON @MRIVAR’ | / / Wy Wi) 44 4 ie | | / i Say Hh ta } RY g | i} —~ hy | tag), f ite ‘") iy Y | tis | \ \eei Vit V “MORITURI @ | (THE LAST SESSION OF THE PARLIAMEN 187 —_—

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PTVARI.—Fesruary 7, 1880. 7 y , ee 7 - ~- \ | ij ii; MH j | if | { SALUTANT!” 1874 OPENS FEBRUARY THE 5rs, 1880.) MEN

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eS ee ae Sa ee at i et i ee) ee ie i ee, ee oe et }

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Fesrvary 7, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 57 * ig if * F i oe & ee Wh oo tiad hie re. S. : } ) Ai \ e if na i. “NANA | dine, sy! MUSIC AT HOME, ONE GREAT ADVANTAGE THAT PROFESSIONAL VOCALISTS (EVEN IF NOT FIRST- RATE) HAVE OVER AMATEURS, IS THAT THEY HAVE LEARNT AT LEAST HOW TO OPEN THEIR MoUTHS, AND SAY THEIR WORDS DISTINCTLY, AND USE THE APPRO- PRIATE Dramatic ACTION. BEHOLD, FOR INSTANCE, THE SiGNoRA RoBINSONIO (nfz JoNEs), AS SHE DECLAIMS THE OPENING BARS OF A PLAINTIVE LITTLE BatLap azBout Love AND EsTRANGEMENT, BEGINNING ‘‘STRANGERS YET ”— (WHICH THE SIGNORA, BY THE BYE, PRONOUNCES ‘‘SuTTAHRRRAINGEEORS YETT- TA!” 80 THAT, AT ALL EVENTS, THERE CAN BE NO MISTAKE ABOUT THE Lan- GUAGE, AS IS 80 OFTEN THE CASE WITH AMATEURS). “MORITURI TE SALUTANT !” Opening of the Seventh and last Session of the Parliament of Seventy-Four. ’T1s come, the last fight of the Seven, and mustered for mé/ée once more Behold in the ancient arena the fighters parade as of yore ; Their weapons fresh furbished and sharpened, their armour tight buckled and trim, The fire of desire for the fray flaming high in each firmly-braced limb. Some old, but all bold and all brave, though the battle may well be their last, Though no more the bright blade they may wield, swing the net, or the sharp trident cast. Lo, where Ilen1s-Campvs stands firm, though the touch of stern Time’s on his brow ; Strong to smite, long of wind, at his side, Laris-iarvs with beak like a prow, And eyes like a gallant ship’s bow-lights defiance that flash o’er the wave, Both keen for the fight as of old, stout as’skilful and wary as brave, There is Lucrpvs, Saxon-faced master of tongue-fence a never feared foe, Abundant in praises of peace, yet not prompter at word than at blow. And arrayed with them younger, less practised yet promising slips at the game, All hot to flesh steel in live muscle, now wooden-sword-practice grows tame. The Oxonian sworder, the point of whose blade is so bright and so keen,” And white-crested Humixis, trenchant of thrust, and in parrying clean, — All ready and steady and fearless; and now, as the combat’s at hand, They parade and salute their crowned Empress. Nomorein such guise may this band Of Gladiatorial champions assemble, for fight :—their array We never shall look on again as the populace sees it to-day. At length the septennial season of sinewy struggle must end ; And who knows to whose brow at its ending Success shall its aureole lend ? : Or who in the fight @ outrance, or by strength or by skill overborne, : Shall in vain hold the hand up for mercy amidst the crowd's coldness or scorn Morituri! Too true! for the Session, now moribund, draws to its close, has shown us so many encounters of famous and fairly-matched foes. i i yet in the Ring shall the lovers of battle Brave flashing and slashing and feinting and fencing as brilliant as bold. ; Meanwhile, in the pause before conflict, the multitude breathless and mute, Look on as the fairly-matched champions, mustered, perade, and salute! LIGHT OR DARK? Waar is the value of historical testimony in the face of the directest collision of evidence on a fact of yester- day? Who shall decide when eyesights disagree Here is Times Correspondent No. 1 writing to say that in the late fog the electric lights on Waterloo Bridge were all but invisible twenty yards off, and decidedly gave far less illumination than our old yellow-faced friends, the much maligned gas lamps. a Next day, we have Correspondents No. 2 and 3 writing ive No. 1 the lie direct. n the same day, at the same hour, in the same place, and swathed in the same fog whence No. 1 uttered his experience, No. 2 “‘ was astonished at the power and superiority of the electric light.”” Not only did it pierce the dense fog, but while immediately under it, he tested its power by reading the labels on his luggage with ect ease, while under the gas-lamps it was compara- tively dark. The same day, to the same paper, No. 3 writes from the Atheneum to the same effect :— “T was struck with the diffusion of the electric light as ompens with the gas lamps, and though it is true that, as points of light, there did not appear to be any great difference in the distances at which they could be respectively seen, the moment an electric burner was approached the difference in light was very sensible, and @ yeinall to be uniformly diffused. I was congratulating — as [ walked along that we had at last got something which could make an impression even on London fog.’’ Surely after this, Punch may safely say, ‘‘ Two to one on the tric Light.” AN OLD FRIEND WITH A NEW FACE. (In the Haymarket.) New face, indeed! In fog’s spite looking sunny, Your Seoney, beings the crowd, the crowd its money ; Nor is the Money put upon the stage, So much as that spent in the House, the rage. ’ All’s clean: a dirt-speck seek and you’ll not find it, Before the “‘ float,” or, st er still, behind it, The Actors in their rooms—odd sight to see !— Ladies and Gentlemen at home might be. - The Green Room—where, till now, was such thing seen, Save at St. James’s P—is as fresh as green. With the Pit gone upstairs, all ’s upside down, All pictures, Morris-green, and tt brown : The theatre, sans Pit, is now one : teste takes a rise—and 80, ast hogs, docs salary, 1 e house no “* papering” nee us you paint it: Serle’ Stall-air—no breath a to asf it. pure enough for e’en Burne-Jones ascetics— Before, behind, all High Art and A’sthetics ! M of roar Wiis Dacia, 04 on tho fee of thon; Two Samcnores, with no pesreptey in chase of them; Haymarket is not renewed— ; Punch never wrote, and new views ne’er were viewed! A Pivorr Ture 10 po.—Get up for an Exam. with- out cramming.

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aes | 58 PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvuary 7, 1880. — === Let Go My Hanps! I must Brow my Noss!” SeEE 4 4 7 DISENCHANTMENT. (All along of this awful Weather.) The Captain (who had taken charge of blooming Beginner). ‘‘ ONCE MORE ROUND!” Fair Novice (they had been careering about, without a break, for twenty minutes), ‘‘ Oa, DO sTOP Now, CAPTAIN BOWLRIDGE, AND GIRTON GIRLS AND LANCASHIRE WITCHES. “Tue MaruematTicaL Trrpos, CAamBRIDGE.—There was considerable excitement at Girton College yesterday over the reported success of one of its young lady students in the Mathematical Tri The Moderators and Examiners have for years allowed their papers to be worked by the Girton students who have kept the proper number of terms simultaneously with the ordinary University students; and they have also looked over the answers, and indicated the places that would have been attained by the young ladies in the general competition. This year a Girton student was reported to have attained the position of eighth wrangler, and great was the pride at Girton. The fact seems to have become known in the University, as we are told that upon the reading of the list in the Senate-house some of those present shouted out the name of the Girton competitor when the eighth place was reached. It is not stated whether the aap be had the advantage of the private tuition of Mr. Rourn, enjoyed by all high wranglers.” Girl” with the Eighth Male Wrangler! And the honour falls pat as pleasant. A Girton Girl as good as Eighth Wrangler, just at the moment that the gates of the Royal not to honour in the fair persons of the accomplished artist he so puiiy christened “‘ Miss Angrt,” and Mary Moser, great in owers as the Mrs. ANGELL of our own time. Mrs. Butter, née ExizaneTH Tuompson, Punch takes off his hat to you as the first Lady-Associate. Your ecessors, ANGELICA and Mary, sprang into being full-blown R.A.’s. This is as it should be. At Punch may say, and with pride he says it, the Ladies are looking up—looking up to the high places of Science and Art, which never have been held beyond their reach, and which will be graced by their occupancy. But when the Academy doors are reopened to the Ladies, let them be opened to their full width. Let us not hear of any petty re- strictions or exelusions from this or that function or privilege of R.A. What these letters bring men let them bring women. If Bravo, the gallant Undergraduates who ‘‘ bracketed ” the ‘‘ Girton | Academy—so long closed against Mistresses of Arts—have once more | opened to the sex which Sir Josuva was too much of a gentleman | there’ be any phase of Academic work or Academic play in which the presence of Lady R.A.’s would make male R.A.’s uncomfort- able, let them trust the a a taste to keep them away. But let the honour be given, unstinted and unconditioned. ‘ 7 | And bravo again to the Butler who is the first to draw this “‘ wine of honour ”’ for her sisters! In the face of these well-won concessions of ‘‘ Women’s Rights,” the complaint of ‘‘A Lancashire Witch,” who writes to Punch in protest against the ——_—- cries of Miss Lypra Becker and her noble army of Spinsters, for the admission of | single womanhood to share the political burdens of mankind, as, married, she shares Man’s other troubles, falls somewhat flat. The Lancashire Witch writes from Manchester, where the shrill Sister- | hood seem to have been shriller than usual of late. But no Lan- _cashire Witch need fear to be mixed up with ‘‘ The Representative Gathering ” of vote-claiming Spinsters which Miss Lyp1a Becker | threatens to bring down on the Free Trade Hall. Witches who know | whence comes the real potency of their charms will certainly not | seek to mix voting-powder in the cauldron. But let our Lancashire Witch speak for herself :— **My pear Mr. Puncn, “I appeal to you, as a Gentleman, to take up your pen in behalf of the Ladies of one hy “Miss Lyp1a Becxer has a number of Spinsters down here to make speeches on the Woman’s Suffrage Question, and she pledges herself and them that the Free Trade Hall Meeting shall be a truly representative gathering of the women of this district. I assure you Miss Becxenr’s followers are chiefly Ladies of her own pronounced politics, or semi-foreigners, and not Englishwomen pur et simple. ‘* We are content to leave our rights to our Husbands and Brothers; and if you could find Miss Becxzer aul her compeers a husband each, through your advertising columns, you would confer a benefit on Society, and have the life-long gratitude of Yours, A Lawcasurne Wircn.” Tue Way To Cook Ventson.—Inquire of Mr. BockMasTER.

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ll ell dl Fesavary 7, 18%0.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 59 THE HEIGHT OF MAGNIFICENCE. n T | 4 yy) j | VR eli 1) Sir Gorgius Midas, ‘‘HvutLo! WRERE’s ALL THE REST OF YER GONE TO?” Head Footman. ‘‘I¥ you PLEASF, Sin GorGivus, AS Ir WAS PAST TWO O'CLOCK, AND WE DIDN’T KNOW FOR CERTAIN WHETHER YOU WAS COMING BACK HERE, OR GOING TO SLEEP IN THE CITY, THE HOTHER FOOTMEN THOUGHT THEY MIGHT GO TO Bep——” Sir Gorgius. ‘‘*THOUGHT THEY MIGHT GO TO Bep,’ pip THey? A PRETTY STATE oF TuIncs, INDEED! So tTHaTr iF I’p a’ "AVPENED TO BROUGHT ’OME A FRIEND, THERE ’D A’ ONLY BEEN YOU FOUR TO LET US BIN, HAY!” HEADS OR TAILS ?—A LEADING QUESTION, ‘*Lorp Hartineton leader? Pooh, pooh! he is led By GLApsTong, a man who is quite off his head ; Mad Grapstong, that eloquent plague of these islands, Is led by Rad CHAMBERLAIN aided by RyLanps ; Whilst they, in their turn, find their leaders and foolers In ParRNnELt and Bieear, the roaring Home Kulers. Thus bringing the lot of us under their yoke! ” So Sanpon—he swears it is not ‘‘ a mere joke.”’ One thing the sage Lord has omitted to tell, That is, who is leader of Mr. Panne! But, doubtless, to make this new bogey complete, From the crown of its head to the sole of its feet, He’d say the last link in this long chain of evil Must be the first Whig—who we know was the Devil ; And then poor Old England all hope may abandon— At least that’s the view of the sapient Sanpon. Alas! ’tis no wonder stout Tories turn pale Thus to see those dashed Liberals ‘‘ led by the tail.” But in this theyll ne’er follow the lead of their foes— They prefer—ask Lord S.—to be led—by the nose! The Study for Foggy Weather. Ir we wish to carry out the Socratic precept to know “ Our- selves,” the lesson is now nightly at the Vaudeville Theatre. There, where the crowd of London once for thousands of nights sat to study Our Boys, we can now study that still more interesting book, in three Volumes, Ourselves. Happy thought happily embodied ! hey were in a bit of a fog the first night—on the stage as off it—all over the house. Since then there has been considerable clearing up, both in the weather and the performance. MORE LAMP-LIGHT WANTED. Gap of all that throws light on the need of a cheap and easy bit of Adilic improvement, Punch reprints the experience of a cor- respondent of the Zimes in proof of the good of street-names on street-lamps in the late Cimmerian weather :— Sir,—I was obliged to drive from Sydenham to London two nights ago ; the fog was very dense; the coachman lost his way twice; but when we got into the line of streets, such as Walworth Road and Newington Causeway, the names of which were painted on the lamps, we had no further difficulty ; we, however, went wrong again as soon as we got into streets in which the lamps were without names. It would be very inexpensive to paint the names of the streets on all lamps, and would be a boon to all who have to move about both in fogs and on ordinary dark nights. Iam, Sir, yours obediently, p p Unseasonable Munificence. Wuat! Subscribe to another proposed Arctic Expedition now that the Irish need every y we can afford over and above what is wanted for a Testimonial to Rowtanp Hitt? Think of promot- ing one more voyage to the North Pole—in such weather as this, too! No, indeed. e are too far North already. Yet Lord Dexpy isn’t, for Lancashire man as he is, he has put his name down for a hundred pounds to Commander Cuzynes’ last act of Balloonacy. SoMETHING LIKE A WARNER.—Good news for Sir Witrxip Lawson (vide Sandwich-men passim)—*‘ Last Nients or Drink!” Erratom.—In Whitaker's (usually correct) Almanack (p. 367), ‘** Funerals are exempt from tolls.” parnernengaper

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60 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL _ FROST AND FOG. Quorn Frost to Fog, ‘‘ As chill as a frog, ; And as moist o— ie as dull and dumb; You are limp and m all a-glow— As gay and gladsome as you are glum! In my silver livery I clothe the trees, And frame the streams in my sheets of glass, And if old fogies’ blood I freeze, 1 quicken young pulses of lad and lass, And from furry hood and soft cloud-rack Bright faces to old Jack Frost laugh back ! ** And what if I nip from their dried-up stalk Of ancient and o’er-blown lives some score ? {Fesruary 7, 1880, Or into décollettée Beauties walk, From the sill of the stifling ball-room door ? Or catch round the waist a buxom maid, As o’ mornings the doorstep she washes down, With never a wrap but her cobweb cap, And her flimsy rag of a cotton gown ? If you didn’t relish old Jack Frost’s nip, y lay yourselves out, you rogues, for his grip ? *’Tis with more of a scruple my nippers I close On the _ and delicate shop-girl’s chest. Who the blast must bide by the carriage side, While she waits on the lady-customers’ hest. The thinner they ’re skinned, [ and friend Kast Wind Make the bigger bag, find the better : The more daintily bred, the sooner they ’re sped— Your stove-heated pale-blooded shop-girl sort ! The only bore is that no choice is there, If to me and East Wind their heads they ’ll bare. ** But, after all, tis the Skates are my pumps, And my ball-room excellence is the ice ; And if eta come by duckings, and Swells by thumps, Now and then, all own it’s ‘ awfully nice.’ And cheeks Fo red and eyes laugh bright Under old Jack Frost’s salubrious salute— In the Arctic regions ’tis called a bite, But here the old fellow is far too cute To bite pretty noses and op Ow When they ’re bared to his kiss without scruples or fears. ** But for you, Master Fog, you’re a sorry dog— Whether black or witiey-Leows, *s your wear— When with soot-smelling mantle the earth you clog, And bar the light and poison the air. Bronchitis and Asthma your steps attend, To arrest the wretches whom you may doom— Your cloak over all is a funeral pall, And your walk’s pretty certain to end in a tomb; And no mirth of mood or quickening of blood Have you to reckon, like me, to the good.” THE BRITISH MODUS VIVENDI. A pELIGHTFUL and, as usual, diaphanous address, delivered the other day by Cardinal Newman at Birmingham, to an assembly of Roman Catholics, thus concludes :— “*] will only say, in conclusion, that, though Englishmen are much more friendly to us as individuals, I see nothing to make me think they are more friendly to our religion. They do not, indeed, believe as they once believed, that our religion is so irrational that a man who professes it must be wanting either in honesty or in wit; but this is not much to grant, for the great question remains to decide, whether it is possible for a country to continue any long time in the unnatural position of thinking ill of a religion and thinking well of believers in it. One would expect that either dislike of the religion would create an unfriendly feeling towards its followers, or friendship towards its followers would insure goodwill towards the religion. How this problem will be solved is one of the secrets of the future.” Does Cardinal Newman think that Englishmen are very unfriendly towards his religion and that of his condisciples? Englishmen do not, perhaps, many of them, exactly know what that religion is. The majority may ape however, trust that they know what | ey it is not. No doubt are mostly assured it is not the same religion as that which inspired Queen Mary and actuated Guy Fawkes. They do not imagine its present professors with whom they are friendly as Cardinal Newman describes them, solidaires with Torqvemapa. Even a typical British ultra-Protestant now hardly believes the actual creed of his Roman Catholic neighbours to be the same as that faith the highest act of which in Spain and the New World was avowedly an auto-da-fe. A denomination is one thi Members of all denominations between whom and ourselves the difference mainly lies in theological metaphysics — the region of the unintelligible — agree to differ. They object little to a religion which now causes none of their fellow-countrymen to con- spire against the Constitution, or render themselves otherwise offen- sive to those about them. They dislike it for themselves, but only in theory, just as they dislike any other religion besides their own; yet in some cases difference of opinion, with Quakers for example, never alters friendship; and if that is so with these Sectarians, the reason why it shouldn’t be so with others, as, for instance, Roman Catholics, is a problem whose solution is a secret of the present, and may be destined to remain one of the secrets of the future. . &@ persuasion another, in the sight of ordinary Protestant Britons—North Britons perhaps not excepted. |? An Englishman’s national dwelling-place is Liberty Hall—espe- cially Religious Liberty Hall. He is content to share it with every- | body who will make himself at home and agreeable there; nay, even with Sabbatarians who would make themselves disagreeable if suffered to have their own way. It is cals people who wish to do that from a fanatical motive, whom he es, as well as their persuasion and way. WOOD AND WATER. Te Duke of Bucctevcn will bear comparison with Jupiter in | one respect. Having constituted numerous faggot-voters in Mid- | Lothian for electoral purposes, he may reasonably swear by the Styx. Siens or THE Sxatrne Season.—More Icicles than Bicycles, “THAT’S HOW THE MONEY GOES!” Ponca is glad to set at rest the minds of his many Correspondents | who want to subscribe to the Rowland Hill Fund, but either fear as | to its appropriation, or do not know how to set about sending their | contributions. 70 the Editor of Punch. | Sre,—Referring to the letter of your Correspondent signed “ AW ADMIRER or Sir Row.anp HI Lt,” and your own note appended thereto, I shall feel obliged if you will state in your next issue that it was early decided, and so | reported in the public papers, that the Fund raised should — to the |succour of aged and distressed Post-Office employés, their Widows and | Orphans, and that no “ brick and mortar” Institution should be erected. his resolution, which means that Widows shall be allowed to ‘ keep their children at home, and educate them as they like,’ has been adhered to | throughout. Will you also kindly let the world know that at every chief Post-Office | (nearly 1000 in all) there are subscription lists and collecting books, and that | every Postmaster in the United Kingdom is authorised to receive donations of | One Penny and upwards on behalf of the Fund. | Numerous painful cases are brought to the knowledge of the Committee daily, to which the Benevolent Fund will be applicable, and for which no | provision could possibly be made by a general measure such as the Super- annuation Act. I am, &e., James WHITEHEAD, The Hon. Secretary of the Mansion House Mansion House, Jan. 26, 1880. Rowland Hill Fund. £8 To Connusrowpuwts.— The Editor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, ozufe. Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by @ stamped and directed envclope. Copies should be kept.

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Fesrvary 14, 1880. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61

Rey ‘the fashionable prices. Do they go out of love of the Drama? i —C— \\ | ee They go to be seen, and to see, and to say they ’ve been. | —— — the Stalls of the fu fashionable theatres as they will go to the at the Italian O in the season. Do they care one whit more for Music than they di do 1 for the Drama? No. Poor Pater- familias with stalls at ten shillings a-piece, can’t get through his one evening’s ment much under a aye-geune note, and tpouee anor | ns have the exquisite Saree of getting a x, of nodding to a titled club acquaintance a ome sesotr will proudly point out to his sisters, —of meeting the Dr Ponsonsy Surrus, of seeing the fashionable beauties, and hearing (probably in w during the performance) the fashionable scandals, yet poor Paterfamilias himself will not have experienced such intellectual pleasure as will recompense him in sy caer SD for his outlay, nor will it strike him that his children have been morally improved by the visit. an ae probaly ad that one success at these prices

, and that as long as the 80 yo is he justified in making them. not go on paying his charges. A portion publ wil | of The patil, however ‘0, whose pock are not inconvenienced by ha to pay pow pa but even these will find the prices hi ty ep ies, and Mo they withdraw the of th their feabionst presence, then the snobs, Sh a uae pe aie & oes, will go too, and Bay depended, will be empty — empty, as the 15 oooupants,—and then what have you to ne ‘oP tye No. That you chased away. A Dress Circle ? oi ty nt Gallery. Privat Sallery ? dings no, "you never to a nan, rivate Boxes es oh a Ky per Cle ood ers.’ anager t a successful piece will | being them all back again. Not rs fe former patrons will be chary of oee- ing; and that public, — A have di ded and which have driven away by your high prices, will have found some ot - amusement, will @ lost what taste it had for the preme, and, feeling no sort of interest in your success or failure, will leave you and your theatres to take care of themselves, to sink or swim, as best you can. Mr. Manager Bancrort, you were sufficiently sensible to refuse a — Mgr pe when you felt you had done nothing to deserve it. in har BAe your TURNERELLI, Pr you © wise y rejected, as iA ; id our EMIER before you, an SAR ore him, a crown— JUVENILE PARTIES. now, take this this opportunity o doing a gracious act, and, as you have (What they are getting to.) “restored” the — Theatre, go : step farther, and. restore : the Pit. And, Messieurs Managers, lower your expenses and Madeline (aged Four). ‘‘ Wat po You THINK, GeraAtp! Wer’re your prices 2 round. Give us less costly ism, and more real

TO BE ae os THE Browns’ Af HALP-PAST Nine! Ir says atieg, Ee pone I the public to Visit =e pie Castine ay mon at 8O ON THE CARD! what ity, gir popeler rices. ouse have its Gerald (aged Five). ‘No !—wuHat A Saame! I vores we pon’r ving Se yuk ay: of its ‘find, All houses have not co!” [Seconded and carrted unanimously. <4 or ee, Se nor all for Tragedy, nor all for Drama, nor —= =. ue, tomime, es,—just as in the y be Teaaee d : Comedy, and $0 on Thee cares ragedy, not everyone for AN “0. P.” (OR OLD PIT) ROW AT THE is a teams class who would not thank be taken to the best seat in the house to witness the com CS a eae ae one of Suaternanes plays - d Old , h 8 a large whie ers medy, and is needy tog alge hag 4 i t of Farce and — eno. There rH again a large class

Srr,—Let me appear for the People—the people done out of their | which asks only to be made to h, and who, coming from their old Haymarket Pit. business, trade, or profession, and a ee thei their troubles and worries, At a time when Operatic Managers are reducing prices and abro- | prefer laughter, and sparkle, and nonsense, and music, and dances, gating restrictions, so as to brin <a entertainment within reach | ty the greatest test dramatic intellectual treat that could be provided for Stage, pny tng by ty: doing a <—e me bi toy Chacun a son goilt—but no one wishes to pay exorbitantly f ving the resentatio possibl woul prices, the Theatrical Menesers who honestly desire the elevation of * alt pM dy be im vane a6 & Hots ys it "ey. its LL ioe the Stage, and who, by the restoration of careful rehearsal and atten- popu repr redu tion to details, have Cftected so much for the good of Dramatic Art, « yd whys ie ng

I remain, Mr. Bawckorr and Outen, are doing their best to unpopularise the Theatre, and to give to one J : ae" small] - & ect opulent class what was meant for the public at large. “Tae Prorie’s Birt” or rue Pray. es, Mr. Bancrort, “4 ly tfully address you in the name of [This is one view of the fiiatter. It is obvious there is another.—Mr. P.’s the ‘Theatre- ing Public. o not doubt your good intentions, | noize.) with which the aymarket is eineanaaged : but if you cannot afford to keep up the Sapmorlet Pit, you ought never to have taken the

—— T Hapa ‘tak lent M Gi , DISAGREEABLE FROM CONSTANTINOPLE. ion’ under any mistake, my excellent Manager. Give us less , bric-d- brac, ve us less costl Tro rties, sacrifice some of our “ The SuiTAn is su from indisposition, and the dinner which His tae nt ¥ realism, and sive os instead reasonable sos all Majesty intended giving in honour of Sir Henny Laranp is postponed until over the house, and restore that venerable institution, the Pit of the H wt the Ottoman Bank having declined to continue paying the salaries of if market. the Turkish Ambassadors pth | the Porte is making arrafigements for the Paterfamilias wants to goto the theatre nowadays he has to | payments to be effected through other banks.” — Turkish News. consider the matter seriously. Young Masters C RUTCH and Toorn- PICK, with their sisters, the Teisses EkLSKIN, won’t go anywhere else| Ler us hope that the Svitan’s indisposition is nothing worse than than in the Stalls. e Stalls are fashionable, and St. James’s|an indi —_ to receive the British Ambassador. Or can it be and the Heymarket (under Bancroftian man agement), are fashion- | that as the Ottoman Bank has stopped the Ambassadors’ salaries, the able theatres. yous peop people like to “Fisit the fashionable | Stamboul ‘butchers have again stopped the supplies to the SuLtan’s theatres ; but if ‘ay they will go in the fashionable places, and | purveyors, and that no dinner was forthcoming ?

VOL. LXXVITI. G SS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Fesruary 14, 1880. Tavrspay, Feb, 5.—Our Opening Day. The Fog, which had done itstidarkest Jon Wednesday, made way for Her Maszsty’s progress, from Buckingham Palace to i greetings from the Sun and the London Only one hitch oceurred head out of the collar.” Westminster, through loyal Lieges. of the State team “ The Opposition complain that the OE OO ee — - hs ws «cf @

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Fesrvary 14, 1880,] CHARIVARI.

cul ee a inh 11} sy Sze seers ll) tain FLAN) SEs= Pe y "YY Ba I, 4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 1 Ii i - util ; qa LP We SET SS uy ~~ Say | SS (/ Lai << i y ES: —— " ' .* t) | } | THE CONSEQUENCE OF THE CHAIR. Chairman of Home-Rule Meeting. ‘‘ ‘Taw Caatn’ WILL NOT DISPUTE THE Potnt witH Mistarr O’PomuEet——” The O’Pummel, *‘ ‘Tae Caatk’ HAD BETTHER NOT, ONLESS HE LOIKES TO STIP OUT, AND TAKE Ris Coat ors !!” [Confusion—Exeunt fighting.

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of the State team HAs had his head out of the collar for some time past. And one reason for their anxiety for a change of whips is to prevent anything of the kind for the future. But with the bright sunshine and loyal lieges, and the show of fair Ladies in the House of Lords, ended the brilliance of the day’s work. The Speech—‘‘one of the most solemn of public docu- ments”—(‘‘ we thank thee, Jew, for teaching us that word”) was ene of the emptiest examples of its solemn order within Punch’s memory—which embraces a goodly collection of the Queen’s shil- lings ; for if s h is silver, Queen’s speeches are Queen’s shillings, he rules observed in its concoction seem to have been —as to words—"‘ least said soonest mended ;” and—as to acts—“‘ least pro- mised, easiest performed.” Considering the hot-pokerish nature of the subjects to be handled as Turkish Reforms, Afghan Invasion, South-African Wars, and their upshots, what better rule could have been followed for words; and, considering what is likely to be the legislative strength of the — Commons, what wiser caution could have been observed as acts r It is no doubt pleasant to know—if anybody had yet to learn— That Her Masesry’s foreign relations are friendly. (More shame to them if they were not.) That events—if not Sovereigns and Statesmen—tend to furnish additional pom! for the maintenance of European Peace, ‘‘ on the palncibles of the Treaty of Berlin.” (A ticklish feat of international neing. That much remains to be done in Turkey. (We should have thought that little or nothing remained to be “‘ done” there, every- one and everything that was to be done having been done already.) t we have concluded a Convention for the suppression of the slave trade in the Ottoman dominions. (When the ate trade is sup- fener call Mr. Punch to congratulate Hen Masesty and Her "s Ambassador at Constantinople, and Hen Masesry’s Foreign Office.) Bhat the Treaty of Gandamak has not, unhappily, terminated the war in Afghanistan. (Who thought it had—except Ministers ?)

That our Envoy has been treacherously murdered, and bloodily avenged—(Facta est Justicia !) That the conduct of the compels reflects the highest credit upon British and Native Forces. (Provided Gen. Roserts’s explanations as to his use of the noose prove satisfactory.) That the unsettled state of the country renders the withdrawal of our troops impossible for the present (No doubt about it), but That our principle of action remains unchanged. (Joun Bu tu will be glad to hear we have one.) ‘hat while determined to make our Indian frontier strong (when we have found out where it is), Her Masesty desires to be in friendly relations with those who may rule in Afghanistan (when we discover who they are), and with the people of the country (when we have done exterminating them with fire and sword). That Her Masesry’s anticipations as to the early termination of the war in Zululand have been fulfilled. (Thanks to Sir Ganwer.) And that Her Masesry has reason to hope that the time is now approaching when an advance may be made towards South-African Confederation for purposes of Self-Government, (Approach, by all means, you Good Time, so long in coming /) So much for Foreign Affairs. And as for Domestic— That the Commission of Inquiry into Agricultural Depression in the United Kingdom is pursuing fits labours (and, let us hope, overtaking its results). That a serious deficiency in the crops in some parts of Ireland has rendered socteney certain precautions (rather late in the day, perhaps)—such as calling on the Relief Authorities to make pre- parations for the distribution of food and fuel, should such a step become n (we thought tt had), and stimulating the employment of labour by advances on terms more liberal than those prescribed by law. ’ : That my Lords and Gentlemen will, no doubt, sanction this disregard of law in the interests of life. That luckily the Church Surplus Fund is there to supplement English charity.

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64 PUNCH, OR THE LONDO

Then, in three brief paragraphs, Her Masesty trusts my Lords and Gentle- men will be able to resume the consideration of the Criminal Code, and the Amendment of Bankruptcy Law (but not to carry Bills for either). sills will be laid before my Lords and Gentlemen for enlarging the powers of Owners of Settled Land; for consolidating and amending the Lunacy Laws; and for simplifying the Practice of Conveyancing. (Quite enough work, we should say, for an active and opening Session, instead of a weak and distracted one, on the verge of dissolution.) Aud so ends the last dying Speech of the Parliament of 1874, (In the Lords.)—After the Address had been moved at a family pace by —

=. N\ —..

~ ~ Lord Onstow (would .he could have got on quicker '), and seconded by Lord Rosse (would his father’s telescope could be adjusted for the discovery of the right remedies for Irish discontent ') an unusually spiritless attack was opened by Lord GranvVILLE, only sespomes by a pointed summary of the Opposition indictment of Ministers, which is worth Punch’s reprinting :— “ However, whether we are to have a struggle unto death depends much upon our own policy. If our foreign policy is to be one of jerks and surprises; if when we touch the rn Question we sanction the material advance of Russia, and at the same time make ourselves equally detested by Russians, by Slavs, by Turks, and by Greeks; if in another continent we carry on a bloody and inglorious war, which, Ministers tell you, they N CH

not only did not order, but actually prohibited, and which they openly deplore ; if in that ARI [Fenrvary 14, 1880, continent you annex settlers of a European race—a race as obstinate as ourselves—and after promising them freedom, an- nounce that you mean to govern them despotically and to govern them for ever; if in India you disregard all the lessons of experience and all the best recent advice, and pour out blood and treasure on a mountainous district, which you abso- — manure as a hotbed for hostile intrigues, and which it is equally difficult to remain in or to retire from; if you think to govern the whole world by phrases—defiant phrases periodicall produced, now in a dead, now in a living language, and whic daily collect around them an increasing flavour of ridicule,—I do not know that a struggle unto death may not be nearer than is supposed. But if, on the other hand, your policy is firm and conciliatory, not saying more than you mean to perform, and if you adhere to what you say; if you jealously protect yourself from real injury and insult; if, while requiring respect, you fully respect the rights of others; if By that you do not VARI.

covet the lands of others, but throw all the weight of ene in- fluence in the European councils in favour of jus of freedom, and of peace, I have such confidence in the ge hical position, the maritime resources, the aecumulated wealth, the free institu- tions, and the spirit of this people, that I do not believe that it will be the interest or the wish of our neighbours to engage us ina eee, or that the struggle, if it came, would be a struggle unto death.” This ushered in an unusually pointless reply by Lord BEACONSFIELD—sans phrase, 8 to say; but for a peroration gravely apemang te world that the issue of the Liverpool election is nothing less than the em- berment of the United Kingdom. (Which will be news to most of us.) A rattling rejoinder by the Duke of Ap@YLt turned mainly on the alleged hanging of Af- ghans by General Roperts for no other crime than lefending their country (as to which startling charge Punch and England suspend their judgment Gill they hear what General Roserts has to say to it). d The Duke blew up Sir Henry Rawiivson—Chairman of Foreign Relations in the Council of India—for pub- lishing a paneer recommending, inter alia, the transfer © iat hawk eel Loot Lowi cal one fo bie ussia; an YTTON, or some one eonfidence, or some one in the confidence of the Home Government—(rather this, your Grace)—for com- municating to the 1 s a secret te from the Government, directing another appeal to SHerE ALI before proceeding to war. is drew a sh counter from Lord CraNnBROOK, in the course of which he said the Duke had forfeited his title as a statesman by im- pugning the conduct of the Governor-General without aving the facts before him. This second stage of the Lords’ debate was as lively as the first had been dull. The Macattum More and the Cransrooxk Pet are both sparrers who hit as hard in their Peers’ ‘‘ mufflers” as cooler fighters with their naked ‘‘ mauleys,” and rarely fail to tap each other’s claret. (In the Commons.)— Business was preceded by the usual processional parade of the Hobbies (filling a close- rinted column and a half of the Zimes), among which r. WHEELHOUSE , in great force, with his team of rather oddly matched Bills. For the better Education of the Deaf and Dumb. For a Criminal Code. Aldermen by a Cumulative Vote.

For the Election of For a Select Committee to consider the Commercial Relations between England and Foreign Nations, &c., &c. The Debate on the Address was very discreetly moved by Colonel Moray ae ge meet very indiscreetly seconded by Mr. Corry (Belfast), discussed by Lord HarTineton in a more lengthy than lively resumé of the worst that been said in extra-Parliamentary Opposition utter- ances of the Government’s policy in Turkey, Afghanistan, and Zululand, and defended tout bien que mal by the CHANCELLOR of the Excuequer. Incidental criticisms from Sir Cuances Ditxe, Mr. Fawcett, and Mr. E. Jen- kins, followed; then, by “= < earnest of the woe to come, there was a squabble oyer the Adjournment of the Debate, moved by Mr. Suaw, su y Irish Members, and finally yielded by the CHANCELLOR of the Excnequer at a Q r to Twelve. , Friday (Lords).—The ployer and Workmen Bill romised for next Tuseday. 8 note, not of war, let us ope, though reaching us by Lord De ra Wann. edical Education (the Duke of Ricumonp told Lord Ripon) is to be taken up where it was left last Session. Then their Lordships adjourned after the usual twenty minutes’ chat. (Commons.)—Sir H. D, Woxter and Mr. Srannore got a great rise out of a find in the Indian archives—a

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Feprvary 14, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON te et 008, in| wiih Oo Manssgem py his by = Tieguions 7 s and, tac e title of ‘‘ Empress of India” to that of Queen of Great Britai HE “INS AND Ts” Ss ww. and Ireland. A capital illustration how ‘‘ coming events cast their shadows (B H . R OU Ene o P before,” and fair crow for Ministers. icstin Catidtttn ahaa ETWEEN Home-Rvuters anp Eneisn Parties.) mdence wi ussia has m found at Cabul—(the 8 Lord B. uitur (after the Liverpool telegram)— in Next Manomen’s tea-pot, we presume)—but will not be found in the Blue- 7 f - ae Book just published. Government does not mean to give any information about it at present,—an announcement received with cheers and counter-cheers. Dr. AnpERsoN drew Mr. Sctarer-Boorn in explanation of the non-appoint- ment of Dr. Farr to the Registrar-Generalship. The Doctor’s health was the sole and sufficient reason. Lord Beaconsrrexp has the appointees, Se is quite satisfied. (The Premier never does these things without grounds will bear the brunt of question, He may have been guilty of jobs. What Minister hasn’t? But he has never been found outinone. Dr. Farr and his friends had better go no f : ‘Fie and they will only fare worse’ Let him and them e Then tie adjousaed dshete yn the Address plunged into that Slough of Despond en 0 on the ress plunged in ' the Ser! n bog a Distress, the Home-Rulers, by Messrs. Repmowp, Snaw, O’Dowocuus, Justis Mac-Cartruy, O’Conyor Powsgr, Major Noay, and lesser Dente, contending that the Government had been supine and shortsighted, wrong ir choice of remedies and too late in applying them. The CHANCELLOR OF THE Excuequer and Mr. Piunxet met the Home-Rulers’ charge with a firm front, and a bristling array of points, in proof that Govern- ment had done their best—and that their best was as good as it could be. As at present informed, Punch is bound to say they seem to make good their case. Of course there were a few passages of shillelagh-slogging between Messrs. Lewis and O’Connor Power, and Piunxer and 0’ DonnELL, @ of a very unworthy subject of uarrel, Mr. PAnwett, his denunciation of all channels | for distribution of Trish relief but his own, and his exultation over a calamity | that hel forward his agitation. Let Mr. O’Donwett protest never so) loudly, Wy. Fars has done and is doing, since the Irish distress set in, | only pears im capable of the worst that Mr. PLunxer attributed to him. CHARIVARL 65 youeH with Home- i Rulers we Ere tT was at English hearts feel it hard not to be hard against Ireland, Ireland may) - the helm, i thank CHaRcEs Stuart PaRwext. Todish the Whigs Hit The debate was again adjourned, at half-past two. ‘Ewas thus permitted, Ang 80 to save Action and Reaction, e realm ! ‘* Prrst night Parliamentary utt’rances dull, But ’twixt those times and these, I trow, F’en for this extremely dull century.” The difference is all ; But of extra liveliness think how full Coquetting with Home-Rulers now The Extra-Parliamentary. ** Dismemberment” I call. ‘ When ’tis not only fires to hatch Archibald’s Hot and Strong. . shy their a s "neath the euler, | GENERAL Creatock—as we learn from ARrcHrsaLp Forpes’s scathing article ut from us, perhaps, one member snatch, in The ee Century on a Mee nomen gh conduct of e®, x om ay, may be, several members. i paign—was always writing to the Commissariat for “‘ pepper.’ e, like hi , length ’twixt good ——_ ; Chief, Lord CHELMsForD, has got it now from Our Own Correspondent, whatever By mt me —s , he may have done from the Commissariat. In things we do with Liberals In, Abbi: And they to turn us Out. iy ‘ ae ee a ee So now that Naval Ramsay’s rams ij How the United States Representatives “extended the courtesy of their Have missed their mark so wide, F House” to Mr. ParweLt.—By staying out of it. On Wuittey’s back and Dicky Sams’, ’ Ah! if when they had got him in the House, they could have kept him there! In triumph let us ride ! THE STAGE IN EXCELSIS; OR, WHAT WE MAY BE TRUTHS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN. COMING TO. Tue Saturday Review, in an article entitled ‘‘ What is a Jingo?” (Small-talk Stall- snatched.) has answered that question in a manner which will considerably “ Tarts house is quite too delightfully charming! ” astonish Jin Lome A Jingo, it appears, is the most modest q “Ah! there is the dear Duchess in the{Galle 4 and peaceful of mankind. So far from being of a bellicose dispo- “ Has the Earl much to do im the First Act?” sition, it is he alone who at the present moment preserves the peace «He. beak Gan ieiiesh tates anenak on: ath 0 beans? of Europe. But for his well-known pacific aspirations, ‘‘a war Hi (sT onenet oa you a plese.” : vaster and more terrible than the world has ever seen would at once a “ Then, will you inform me who supplied these arm-chairs ?”’ break out.” He belongs to no party, but, at the same time, © who- Ni “Whew ane wan sitting with tone to the Btage >” ‘ ever should convert the Liberal party to Jingoism, would confer as a “Ts that “ Feuasieab . ¥ on the cellinn ?? Pate benefit om thet party te jd wanle a 6 1 country at large.’ i “ ~turvy 29 portrait is so e nature it deserves a companion ia bet us spend couple of Acts in the Lobby ?” picture What is s Saturday Reviewer ?—A Saturday Reviewer is = Dent seas it in ie samne beoesh with the refreshment-room.” ae to om ppt oy of pack TT a om Aas ms | nits .. Lwish the Actors would be quiet and let me hear what you say.” | conscience to find fault, he suffers more acutely than his victim. In z Conn e dey 4 — RAD. cone 9 tal “ litics he is an advanced Liberal, and an enthusiastic admirer of “Decidedly. Where did you say the Pit had gone to?” Ngee ay on matters of foreign policy. His sym- “To the Upper Circles, with all else in this charming theatre.” Dissent. No catast: . Re ba Saunt mses thenctroes to the ae ‘I : of mankind than a deviation, however slight, from the admirable Tue Lapres’ Crvp.—A French name for “the Russell ”—Ze | ines on which the Saturday Keview is at present conducted,” Cercle Frou-frou, SSS Ss Ipea oF AW Apvancep RirvA.ist or 4 SoctaL TuRN AND Con¥IRMED Tue two I.’s.—A brace of Incurables; India and Ireland. Smoxine Hawrrs.—Cigar-ashes for Ash Wednesday. ou

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a _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. © v tee v NINCOMPOOPIANA.—-THE MUTUAL ADMIRATION SOCIETY. Our Gallant Colonel (who is not a Member thereoy, to Mrs. Cimabue Brown, who is), ‘‘ AND WHO’S THIS YOUNG HERO THEY ’RE ALL SWARMING OVER Now?” Mrs. Cimabue Brown, “ JetutaBy PosTLETHWAITE, THE GREAT PoRT, YOU KNOW, WHO SAT FOR Mavup.ie’s ‘Deap Naxcissvs’! He HAS JosT DEDICATED HIs Larrer-Day SAppuics To Me. Js NoT HE BEAvTIFUL?”’ Our Gallant Colonel, ‘‘Wuy, wHat’s THERE BEAUTIFUL ABOUT HIM?” Mrs, Cimabue Brown. “On, Look AT HIS Granp HEAD AND Portic Face, with THOSE FLOWERLIKE Eves, AND THAT ExQUuIsITE Sap Smiie! Loox at nIs SLENDER WILLowy FRAME, AS YIELDING AND FRAGILE AS A WoMAN’s! THAT’s YOUNG MAUDL¥, STAND- ING JUST BEHIND HIM—THE GREAT PAINTER, YOU KNOW. He HAs JUST PAINTED Me as ‘Héwoisz,’ anD MY Huspanp as ‘ ABELARD.’ Is wor nE Divivge?”’ : : he Colonel hooks it. N.B.—Postlethwaite and Maudle are quite unknown to fame. ~~ vx — | . ‘ ‘s es . There ’s hardly any station one can name AN APPEAL TO JOHN BULL’S IMAGINATION. | In any latitude with shore or sea to it, “ Mr. GLADsTone has never addressed himself to the imagination of the gba ag pps he pe ge fe coe to it. British people, only to their interests.” —Dédats, Each key . ptere to your power and fame— ; Joun Butt, you are but a Beotian chap, A ej: truth, though the world may not agree to it— Beery and Sovtae, bashful, blunt, bucolic ; Until of keys you’re getting such a stock Shackled by moral figments, and the map, The world must dread a general dead-lock. You scarce appreciate Fancy free and frolic. . Se Her rapt outpourings, which he call clap-trap, a any given spot. at. - ame vo oo Though couched in lan e high and hyperbolic, I cf pny load, ° thith / weceretne vn Ae You’re apt to flout with foolish indignation ; —> : I a oes : In short, dear Jomx, you lack imagination ; . Y 7 mas could, a wish to pass that way. : 4 at ‘5 or all contingencies you m repare ; But now ‘tis time the little that you have + And so, shonld othe peoples ; to stray Should be stirred up—I’d rather not say tickled. Across, or near, or round about such places, Too long you ’ve funked the Conqueror’s bloody glaive, Of course you must smash those intrusive races. And for pretence of right and justice stickled : ‘ , * Prosy punctilio by which the Slav A glorious prospect, Joux! Does it not fire Will ne'er be, as he should be, soundly pickled. our patriotic and aueiel feelings ? . . Kick out your fogeyish monitor, Morality, What! ‘‘ Seems to involve some things of which you tire, And try a little loose-laced Ideality ! a Senet naming ne nares Frege nl A Imagine, Joun i i a . =n ee coo eine Ze poze nein ed at High moral sanction for dappotie dealings Lord o’ the world, supreme in power and pelf = ~ a= the [7 i ae Of all good mundane markets sole commander ! ee y : ** Imagination is a tricksy elf Don’t grovel, Joun, in sentimental slime, And you mistrust her” ?—Don’t be such a gander ! Spread o’er low flats by those who fain would humble If you don’t shout your claims in language strident, Your proper pride. You are supreme, sublime, You might as well go pawn Brrrannia’s trident. And not a poor parochial village Bumble. ora nm FA wrerte*,

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YY "%, JP Wi: 17 Captain oF Guy. ** RAM All, “SS SMA Att MULL ‘WILL IT BURST?” ’£M ALL DOWN, MY LADS! SHE’LL STAND IT SAFE ENOUGH!!!” Qi Ny AY

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SS OO

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Fesrvary 14, 1880,] Ap al to conscience, charge of cheat or crime— These are mere crafty traps to make you stumble. If you to moral foes, like GLapstone, truckle, Imagine how your many foes will chuckle! Tancred ’s the man to teach you how to dream, Referring you to Fancy’s magic mirror, Seen in whose many facets interests seem Innumerable as the shapes of error. Truth—Gtapstonr’s favourite glass—with clear cold gleam, Chills pride, and conscience strikes with thrills of terror. To counteract which coward trepidation, Cut Truth, dear Joun, and try—Imagination! HINTS FOR A NEW AND ORIGINAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. Carter VI. Hints— Deans— Curtain— Lecturers—Professors— Who ?— Which? — What ?—Difficulties—Dangers—Sulks— Professor — Popular —First Lecture. Havine already hinted at the person whom the present writer would choose as the first Master of Thespian, it will be as well to suppose the staff of permanent resident officials appointed, including the two deans, who, instead of being called Senior and Junior Deans, might be called—out of compliment to Mr. Boucrcaut?’s dramatised version of the Heart of Mid- Lothian, and to secure Mr. GLADSTONE’s vote and interest,—Jennie and Effie Deans, though this, on second thoughts, would be more appropriate to Curtain College, where our = girl-students could receive their education in a series of Curtain ctures. JENNIE AND Erriz Deans or Curran CoLigce, The resident officials,—not of Curtain College, but of our Ideal Dramatic College, —if actors, would have to be actors out of an Teegoment, and undertaking to remain so during their year of office. The lecturers, not necessarily resident, would come down from town once or twice a week, and would not be expected to reside until their term of office should arrive, when they could accept or not, at their option ; with a fine in case of refusal to go to the benefit of the College Funds. Suppose the governing body had settled on a course of lectures, or suppose that some benefactor had bequeathed a large sum for the pay- ment of so many lecturers on one subject, to be selected each term by the Master and Fellows, and further, let us suppose one of the subjects chosen for the Easter Term to be “ Rehearsals,” the lectures being divided between Mr. Invrne (his own Staze-Manager at the Lyceum), Mr, Horace Wican (Stage-Manager at several tres), Mr. Ban- Crort (his own Stage-Manager at Prince of Wales’s), Mr. HoLLinas- HEAD (his own Stage-Director at the Gaiety). From any two of these eminent Professors, the students would robably hear as opposite views, on the same subject, as would theo- gical students hear from the pulpit at St. Mary’s, Oxford, were it PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69 occupied at one time by Dr. Pusey and at another by Dean STANLEY both 1 ing on the same tal dogma of Christianity. Wha hs pc dna Tae Ef gure o y a centur at Oxford? Who? Why every student for iment as he came to put into practice the principles laid down by the Prafessare. The practice pf the Dramatic Schools wo @ to the the ‘would be tobee ad ih ty a Bo. en e ers, atest, "Uy" the ‘Master af Thegiie ea a: them, selecting the b each, the course delivering his up. choose his own pootneam: a ¢.g, elects « Taouwa, Habiweos Uh Tockene Wa. HORN BINSO AR- the result ? "burru, and all who with ; Jones and his co- all young ie party all THoRyes ; an Brinson & Co. worse, suppose SmiTu, Enews, Jones, and Ron- INSON | jn selecting y one of these Professors, to the exelnsion @ rest, would not the other Professors their dra- matic them, scowl in corners, and pk to themselves, e Hal 9 me will ome! No matter ! eat, course oe would. no Students assem hear Mr. Bancrort on pe ky lie would probably say something of this sort :— Aw—Gentlemen—the question of a re is of —a— some impartanee. Without rehearsal, what should we do? (Pause.) I don’t know. (Pause.) With rehearsal, what'do we do? Not much, (Pause.) Without re- hearsal, could any ae be pro- duced? (Pause.) I don’t ‘think so. (Pause Surther consi- deration.) course, I won't absolutely take my oath of it— but—I don’t think so. It is not at all necessary to rehearse with ali the scenes and ner every time. No. Not at all. ing should be independent —aw— of —a) agement, The rin go w is thee it will be ‘all Tight ef night ;” and if it is all mght at night, the end may be considered as ed. Whatever is right at night, is right. At least, 1 should say so, shouldn’t you? (Applause, during which the Lecturer consults his manuscript through his eye-glass.) Gentle- men—aw—the less time spent over rehearsal, the better (for the Sones, 8 for the piece. To study elaborate details is to baulk inspiration. What should we do without inspiration? (Pause.) I don’t know. t do we do with inspiration? (Pause.) I don’t know. Not much, (Applause.) If at rehearsal it is fixed that the Actors are to stand in certain positions at certain times, are to cross from one side to the other, to enter and exit at certain ‘‘ cues,” where, I ask, is the chance for the development of genius, where, I inquire, is the oppor- tunity for inspiration? (4 abouse.) Gentlemen, no one can x yr eate—I say, no one can deprecate, more than I do, the habit of slavishly ing to the Author’s text—of servilely, I say servilely, carrying out instructions, which do not appeal to the head, or the— aw—heart. Give me a week, I may ay a few days, for rehearsal, and give me the Theatre, well supp with a stock of ordinary scenery and ordinary pro a acd dag pe ene interior, a poor chamber, a cottage exterior, a landseste ? king, a street-scene, and wings and sky-borders to match, and I will undertake to produce the finest ona or Tragedy in the world at the shortest possible notice. (Cheers ‘from the Students.) You'd hardly think it is so, but—aw—so it is. What necessity is there for the Actor to do more than have a fair knowledge of his part by the night, of per- formance? I say, ‘‘a fair knowledge,” advisedly. For is there not an official called a Prompter in the Theatre? And [ ask you as men of sense, why should that official be paid for doing nothing ? Why should he be in receipt of a salary for prompting when there is no occasion for his services? I don’t see why he should. Do you? (Applause.) No, youdon’t, No more dol. If every Actor came ect on the first night, or indeed on any night, then— The Prompter’s occapation ’s gone. And his existence would be worse than unnecessary, it would bea waste of money, a use expensive luxury. Wouldn't it? For

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7 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Fesrvary 14, 1880, BE-FOGGED. ry I’m Gorne nigat For Lonpon Brings!” Polite Old Gentleman (in the Fog). ‘* Pray, Sin, CAN YOU KINDLY TELL ME Shadowy Stranger. ‘‘ Lum Bri’osn? Goo’ Joxe! ’Noraer MAN ’sHAME SaTare’s mysHety! I wan’ 7’ Fin’ Lum Bai’asu, Too! Ta’ wy Arm——” [ Old Gent hurries off ! A PRACTICAL MAN AND NO JOKER. Mr. Ponca, Srp, As the practical man of the nineteenth cutesy, I address myself to you. After two years’ hard work | Committee sitting upon the surviving Thunderer | have managed to burst it. The realisation of their p has been a matter of the deepest congratulation to all |eoncerned. I share in the feeling of general satisfaction. | But, Sir, we surely ought not to stop here. Now that it has been proved that a double charge will burst the biggest of our naval ordnance, should we not test other things in a similar fashion ? To explain what I mean, I give you a few suggestions out of my note-beok. List or Tunes THAT WANT SETTLING. St. Paul's Cathedral.—It has been asserted that the singing of the Charity Children in the Dome threatens to endanger the stability of that portion of Sir CuristTo- PHER Wkren’s monument. Would it. not be as well | to get up a dozen of our Woolwich Infants into the bape re Gallery, and fire them simultaneously to see the effect. The Crystal Palace.—It has been rumoured, though the report has been denied, that the structure requires renewing in all its main lines. Under these circumstances would it not be as well to hold the Easter Volunteer Review on the roof to see how much of the glass and iron would be broken ” The British Museum.—For many years the Reading- |Room has been closed at dusk for fear of fire. It is oe now in the evenings, thanks to the adoption of the electric light. Would it not be as well to test the indestructibility of the apartment by lighting a bon- | fire in the centre, of a pile of all the now useless dupli- |cates in the Library, moistened with, say, two-hundred | gallons of paraffine. The Thames Tunnel.—It is asserted that if a hole were | bored through the roof to the river the water would | certainly enter and destroy the . Would it not - as well to test the assertion by making the necessary ring © When these very interesting and useful experiments have been carried out, I will send you a score of others equally urgent and not less instructive. In the mean- while I have the honour to describe myself, Your obedient Servant, Sratistics or SxatTrine.—Figures on the Ice. my part, I like to hear the Prompter. It is a sign of life; and I believe the audience like to hear the Prompter; for, if they do not hear him, how do they know he is there? And if he be not there, are not the audience opine of a portion of what the have paid for? (Applause.) As to study apart from rehearsal, say study a part at rehearsal. Bring your part in your apap and read it from time to time up to the very last moment. By so doing you will avoid becoming a mere machine capable of uttering = certain sounds and words, for, when your memory fails you, you wi trust your ready wit, and thrill the house with one of those marvel- lous displays which we hear of in the performance of an Epmunp Kean. At least that’s what I’ve always heard about Epmunp Kean. (Applause.) I suppose he y was a great man. I dare- say he was. Let ushopeso. (4 use.) If your acting depend on rehearsals, Gentlemen—I—well, I can say is, I pity you. What can it matter to the excellence of a Sir Peter Teazle that the “‘ of the period,” or, I will go so far as to say, that there should be any screen at all? If there be no screen, it is an ear for the representative of Lady Teazle to show her command of resources, as it will be also for Joseph and Charles — Gentlemen, theatrical success is so entirely a matter of fluke,—we have every chance of making a fluke with so many cues—ha! ha!—(laughter)— that I really begin to question wh any rehearsal at all is ab- solutely necessary. Gentlemen, you may take my word for it—and note it down as an axiom—that ‘short rehearsals make long runs.” (Cheers from the Students.) Gentlemen, I thank you for your attention. I trust you all feel the better for the lecture. (Pause. Ay) Thank you. We shall meet again on another occasion. At least I hope so. Don’t you P a — applause.) Bless you! and—aw—no more at present. y Such might be the views of rehearsal as expounded by Professor Bancrort, Actor and Stage Manager. Next week we will assemble in the lecture-room to hear a lecture on the same subject from Professor Joun HoiirnesHeaD, of the Gaiety Theatre, who will doubtless be received by a very large audience of those earnest and intelligent Students, most of whom (we must suppose) have already imbibed the teaching of Professor 8. Bancrort, late of the Prince of Wales’s, now of the Haymarket. UNCLE SAM’S ORGANS—SET TO ONE TUNE. (With Mr. Punch’s Compliments to Mr. Parnell.) “Tur New York Tribune says that, as far as the Americans are concerned, Mr. Parnewu’s visit has been a dead failure. “The New York World calls his reference to the Duchess of Mart- ROROUGH a Violation of public decency, and his assaults on the Mansion House Committee unfounded and scandalous. It thinks that the purses of all sereen should be in a particular oo. or that the screen should be | persons who are not parted from their money with proverbial ease and prompt- ness should henceforth be closed against him. “The New York Times says that his conduct is not unlikely to send a number of his countrymen to an untimely grave. “The St. Louis Globe, a Democratic paper, pronounces the attack on the Duchess of MARLBOROUGH a shameless abuse of free speech, and says that the only way to teach decency to sueh men is to pelt them with eggs. “The Boston Post calls the attack an unworthy, unmanly act, and thinks that the sooner Mr. PARNELL returns home the better. “*The Providence Press says the attack shows Mr. PARNELL to be as ignorant of history as of good manners. “The Providence Journal com Mr. Parnett to Dents Kearney. And the Newark Advertiser calls him rabid and malevolent.””"—Datly News. Or the American organs of opinion, as of dramatis persona, it may be said, ‘‘ When they do agree, their unanimity is wonderful.” Toast AND SeNTrwENT FoR IntsH ABSENTEES.—The Land we live out of. al {| ~2 S393 32

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Fesruary 14, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ean Vv fA OA ZZ ADAP OD QUITE UNIMPORTANT. alight). *‘1 BEG your Parpon ?” Haughty Damsel. ‘‘1 pip wot Speak!” Thompson. ‘“‘On—I THOUGHT you saID ‘ THanks’!”’ Thompson (interrogatively, to Beauteous but Haughty Damsel, whom he has just helped to DEBASING THE VERBAL CURRENCY. (A long way) after Theophrastus Such, “ On 2nd inst., at the —— Street Police Office, a gentlemanly-looking young man, who refused his name, was fined ten shillings and costs for using bad language.” Morat. Now, all you nice young Ladies, Be warned by this, I pray ; Whoso murders the Queen's English, For it will have to pay. igus the words your mothers ve watered with their tears, And against your slangy brothers Shut tight your rosy ears. Go and win Wranglers’ places, Go up in, and for, degrees ; But no more sl phrases, young ies! if you please, ALL ABOUT IT. BerorEe THE Liverroot ELEction, Liberal Organs. **Tr will be at once test and contest—for, &e., &e,” Conservative Organs. **A contest the Election is sure to be— but a test—no!—for, &c., &c.” AFTeR THE LiverPoot ELEcrion. Liberal Organs. “The contest has been severe, but the test nil—for, &c.”’ Conservative Organs. ** Severe as the contest has been, it is as a test y wl aoe Election is so important—for, &e., &e, A Question for Mr. Punch’s Putting. I rear that Peru will ne’er pay what is due, If she ’s licked, it will surely o’ertask her : But as a poor Bondholder anxious to know, I beg to suggest that ’ Vascar. Sounp Apvice oN THE InisH QuEsTiIoN. — Don’t ask it. THE ONLY TRUE TORIES. HERE we are Pape The Houses of Parliament, as usual, have re-opened with the political pantomime. A plague of both their Houses ! Confound their politics on either side! Mine may be the reverse of Liberal. But I am no Conservative. A Conservative is satisfied with things as a are. I am not. In my opinion, the best thing you could do would be to repeal every Act of Parliament of any ey that has been passed since 1829 inclusive. Con- servative ! called from conserving the legislation of the Liberal Party. Yah! I scorn the epithet. As there seems to be nobody in Parliament who, whatever he may think, is ready to propose undoing all the work of so-called Reform for the last one-and-fifty years, of course, my views are unre- presented. Accordingly, I detest all Parties equally, with a cer- tain reservation in favour of one which is in fact rather a set than a party. I mean that section of Home-Rulers invidiously nicknamed 0 ctives. Their highly successful endeavours to impede legisla- tion at any rate answer the yespess of arresting all change for the maga and in particular of defeating democratic measures proposed y a Conservative Government with a view to outbid a Liberal Opposition. Now that Parliament has recommenced the task of talking, I trust the Obstructive Home-Rulers will attend every night in their Blsees, and resume their useful occupation of trying to render it all oz et preterea nihil! A safe and speedy return to Mr. PaRne.y ! the meantime his excellent compatriots will, I hope, be able to be = = block-system on te Parliamentary Line - pantly well thout him. can be no r ‘‘ progress” for the so-called | Conservative Coach so long as the Irish Car continues to stop the | way. The occupants of that vehicle are, as they themselves might put it metaphorically, stopping the same road, with yours truly, Meravuseran MovuLpiwarr. P.S.—There are yet left some genuine Liberals and Radicals who ought to be thankful to the worthy Irishmen permitted to sg their useful game of Obstruction in the House of Commons. long as they only persist in doing that, and do it thoroughly, our liberties, so many of which Liberals and Conservatives, between them, have latterly curtailed, cannot be made still less. Success to the policy of Obstruction, in so far as it tends, by stopping all re- strictive measures, to preserve the small remainder of an English- man’s freedom. To that extent, the Irish Obstructives for ever, say I, and may Mr. Bicean never be less! Guns and Governments. “Mr. SuLLIVAN said he was prepared to substantiate all these five charges against the Party now in power.” —Daily Paper. ‘“* Two charges burst an Mighty Ten... Shouts Sutiivay, “* then, look alive : The Governments a bigger gun,— Here goes to blow ’em up with five /” Something like a Sensation-Heading. “Tu New York Herald announces in its impression of to-day that it has opened a subscription list for the relief of the distress in Ireland, itself heading it with a donation of one hundred thousand dollars.” Sucn a Herald, even if Ultra- iblican, deserves to be appointed Ulster King, if not at Arms, at Helping Hands, ee ee in eee ee 2 eee “ ————

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72 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 14, 1880. REGULATIONS FOR VALENTINES. (LeapYY ear.) & Any Lady sending a Gentleman a Valentine will be held ipso facto to have tendered that Gentleman an offer of marriage, and be bound by the consequences. The Valentine may be a work of Art of the usual character, or it may take the shape of a watch, a set of studs, a dressing-case, a writing - table, a jewelled meerschaum, an assortment of cigars of the , choicest brands, or a riding-horse. (N.B.— ia 2 Ej There are no limits to generosity, but it should \ = be borne in mind that there are limits to the \ dimensions of packets carried by the General + Post-Office.) In every case the Valentine should be accom- panied by a photograph and a certified copy of the birth register. ; The Valentine must be enclosed in a registered envelope, and to insure ial attention being paid to it, should be bound round with white satin ribbon. It must be posted by the ag oe in person, but she is at liberty to wear a thick veil, and to wait, if preferred, until it is dusk. The consent of parents or ians need not be asked; but if the lady is a Ward of Chancery, the sanction of the Court must first be obtained. Until the sender has a positive assurance that her Valentine has been accepted in the spirit in which it was offered, she is not to divulge the secret to more than three bosom friends. Any matrimonial engagement which may be the result of a Valentine despatched under these regulations, will be deemed invalid and at an end unless it is followed by a marriage before the expiration of this present (Leap) year. The Postmaster-General feel complimented by an invitation to the wedding-breakfast ; and a liberal peat should be given to the postman by whose hands the Valentine was delivered which has brought about the happy event. PROFESSOR READYSON’S NEXT INVENTION. (By Prophetic Cable.) New York, Monday. Ir is rumoured that our talented youn inventor has discovered a wonderful liqui that will, without doubt, supersede wine beer, and other now popular drinks. Until the patents have been secured in the four quarters of the globe the secret of the manufacture not be divulged. It is whispered, however, that water will form one of the cipal ingredients. A com- pany has formed, entitled ‘‘ The Original Beverage Association,’ and the 100-dollar shares are already quoted at 50 premium. Th invention i oe tote e new invention is progressing favour- ably. The Professor has discovered that sugar can be with advantage. Several experts from New York have reported favourably, and the original 100-dollar shares of the ‘“‘O. B. A.” are already in great request at 2000 dollars. Wednesday. The Professor is baffled—of course, only for the moment. Perfect amalgamation of the elements of the new discovery has not been, as yet, thoroughly effected. The shares of the Association are now quoted at a considerable reduction—100-dollar shares might have been had this morning for 50. Thursday. Glorious news! Our yo Professor is once more triumphant! He has discovered that a vegetable substance largely grown in Asia can be added to his mixture with great effect. The shares are once more at 2000 dollars. Friday. Everybody is talking of the new inven- tion. Our citizens are perfectly wild about it. The process of manufacturing the be- verage is as follows. Some water is heated to boiling-point (this was discovered by accident), the liquid is then oe into a receptac —" two or three spoon- fuls of the v le substance (which can be procw in large quantities from China) ; the whole is then sweetened with sugar. It is said that milk may be added without spoiling the drink, and with a view of testing this point, an enormous number of cows have been purchased and trans- ported to Mr. Reapyson’s workshop. The shares of the Company have risen to 4,500 dollars for a 100-dollar share. Saturday. It is now asserted that the new beverage is merely a drink known for some centuries in various parts of the world as ‘‘ Tea.” Ae ie. apes iavonsiens ane always startling in their originality, this report must be taken for what it is worth. However, the shares have fallen consider- ably, a 100-dollar coupon having been purchased this morning for five cents by a collector of curiosities. I may add that several of our citizens have made fortunes by timely realisations. I shall able to report a new invention of our talented young scientist in the course of a few days, In the meanwhile I may hint that his latest great invention, his latest that is, since the Electric Light, is shelved for the present. Mr. Puxch’s Notick or Morton (as soon AS PossIBLE).—‘' To ask Mr. PARNELL how much he would take to stop where he is?” 48 To Conussrowpuwts.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, stamped and directed envelope return, or for Contributions. Im ne case can these be returned unless accompanted by « should be kept. _— | |

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Feprvary 21, 1880.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 73 av BA ny "i EWARD ¢ Fi AP ADE hats) eee \ ah | rr. 4 ( rune Tt | \ Vm erat OewiCHOm iW \ (G1 ON ear teate neeehens . ia | wae f IST hi ow iiLo tnamuorts LEX TALIONIS. Philanthropic Old Lady. ** Buess mE, CHILD! WHERE DID YOU DREADFUL Biack Eye?” fA LIFE’S WORK AND A LIFER’S WAGE, “Can rt ne Tavs ?—A Correspondent asks this question in reference to the following report:—‘At the meeting of the fo yg woe | of Guardians, on Monday, the Rev. R. Matson, Gurate of Membury, Devon, applied for an order to enter the workh as ees, He been Curate for thirty er offered a living, and had nothing to pend upon. The Guardians thought it a very hard case; and, as there was no alternative, granted the order.’ "’ Sxrvnx was his frame, and bowed his back, His face pale, sad, and spare ; White-seamed his suit of rusty black, And thin his silver hair. With shaky hand and mien subdued, His old hat he did dowse, And of the Board of Guardians sued An order for the House. Thirty hard years of Curate’s work— A, masriog®, deem, « — e— P wixt save and spare , pinch, and pare— None now left roun Ris hearth. : More dull and dark Life’s evening grown, While no Church-living nears After Church-starving, too well known, For all this length of years. What rest for the old Curate’s head But the grave still and deep— Wherein t ears through he hath read So many to their sleep ? bi one rest more !—to win that one e craves the Board’s consent— The workhouse! Why its shelter shun ? For workers it was meant, Who fairer tale of work can show, rom manhood's prime to age ? — Work like his Master's, crowned, we know, With much his Master’s wage ! The Board debates, regrets, demurs, — grants the Vg due, ey print it in the newspapers, Headed my “Can it be true?” GET THAT Street Arab, ‘‘ Moraer! But—(triwmphently)—an cat nen Tangy Mowras| Tas Rient Titre ror tHe Ducuess or Mant- FOR’T, AH OAN TELL YE!” pornoveH.—Lady Lift-tenant! = MR. PECKERDOWN’S LENTEN MEDITATIONS, I am a year older, The hair on my crown is less, the protuberance in my figure greater. I avoid hilly ground more and more. My gama is a matter of history. I am farther away from a pillar- xX. I wish that article on ‘‘Mrruerpates” for the Encyclopedia Cosmopolitana were To-morrow morning, if possible, but certainly the morning after, I will get up at four, light my own fire, and bring all my powers to bear on MirHripaTEs. I wonder what the Cuancettor of the Excueqver’s morning musings are if he wakes as early as 1 do. Does he fall o-iaking of his great Bill, his Budget? Does he dream of @ surplus, an awake to a deficit? income ? Would that yonder file held nothing but receipted bills ! What did Dr. Popacer say ?—that there was undoubtedly a gouty tendency in my system. Putt is coming back from Colorado, not with a fortune, but with a wife and four ren. I could have overlooked it, if the an had passed this m without calling. Rupert writes for a remittance; Exwestiwe is enamoured of a young gentleman who has his way to make in the world, but possesses a Geentiful tenor voice; and Aunt Fanny is sure I shall be pies | leased to hear that she is going, after Lent, to bestow herself (an thirty-five thousand pounds) on her medical attendant—who will be the junior partner by at least fifteen years. The boys are coming back from School! They have got the measles at Dr. Payme’s. ** Messrs. MANSFIELD AND WoopHovuse present their compliments to Mr. Peckerpown, and regret extremely to say that there is not at present sufficient activity in the publishing department to warrant Will he tax my cigar, or my grog; or my them in producing the —— History, except at Mr. Pecxen-| fi DowN’s own risk. They r fore return the MS. with many thanks for its perusal.” My tenant, Crorwitt, has just been here to pay his rent. I have been obliged to allow him an abatement of thirty per cent. I asked him to lunch : it was as well he wished to get back by an early train. P ; My wife tells me Cook is to leave to be married. She suits us admirably, being a rare unetion of ability and economy. I can never to taste such cutlets and tomato soup again. There will not be much seope for her acquirements at the fireside of Mitt- HOUSE get yy omy’ I was just a day too late for the allotment of the new shares in the Bank of the Tropics. I see that they are quoted at a high premium. Very little seems to be making in my Chancery suit. A Bem Sn Rial dividend of 64d. is declared in Store's bankruptcy. M was over £1500. ARMADUKE has failed in the preliminary Examination for the Civil Service, his notions of orthography not being in unison with those of the Examiners. What do these high-priced schools teach ? aa hear wonderfal accounts of Srp’s progress at Kedshaw—in thleties. Seasonable Readi the weak state of the Revenue, the analysis of the fluid supplied by the Metropolitan Water Companies, the roeeedings of Home-Rulers in Parliament, and the Assize have three distasteful things to do to-day—To give instructions for fa a ’ make a formal and long-postponed call, and to m cu ay te Jury Summons! [ Collapse. Past Praying For. rovision for punishing re- Bankrupts’ estates in their hands ys. Sir Jonw! do what you will, we doubt your power to upset ee saw, ‘‘ The receiver is as as the thiel.” VoL, LXXVIII,

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« | REML AG FAIT [—AUVELNOO EBL NO j avVarW avad AN 7 “ “(vewoeny onzunfus fo sooutorg sy Py snownws) suengez77977 “47 wg i SAILEVG AINAZADL 40 ZAOUdd VIC L.NOd DOL 40H [ | AHAH SANG @ILLIT AOA AO ANV BUS 1,NOTd | juoLoog ‘11 L,N81 ‘LEOIg ALLaYgZ V,, “ipyT "SSSNISNG GNV 3YNSV3I1d A \ St ee . 1 (ass B/ oY , ¥ LD Mbit weeewenes tr ‘oesl ‘Ig suvaweay—"}UVAINVHO NOGNOT AHL UO “HON Dd

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On THE conTRaRY—I Live py THEM!” “7, m¥ prar Mapam! ss ou ss Fea oe” OIivas, 465 8 88, SUV EYeS

- #& RBBB Dr. Littletwms (famous for his Diagnosis of Infantile Disease). s00Gy.

Fesruary 21, 1880.)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 75

- =

aa si = SoH ~e ii rs: mi ly = MMs ) ; alii)

“WHAT IN THE CAPTAIN ’S The Laird (to his Gardener, who had caught somebody trespassing). ‘‘Hom! Anp you say, SAUNDERS, THAT THE FELLOW WAS IMPUDENT ?”’ Gardener. “‘‘Iuprpent!’ ’Dszep, Sie, 1f HE HAD BEEN THE =~ sS BUT A CHOLERIC WORD.” LAIRD HIMSELL HE COULD NA HAE BEEN MAIR ILL-Baep!”

i

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. (Sketch for a coming Tragedy.) “ As long as the Managers stop short of homicide, the Home SzcaRTaRy does not seem to care by how little they clear it.”"—Saturday Review. ACT I. Scene—<An Official Chamber— Discovered Imperturbable Home Secretary. Enter Excited Philanthropist. Imperturbable Home Secretary. Ah, here you are again! Take a chair, Excited’ Philanthropist. A chair! You don’t understand me. Listen! There’s not a moment to lose. At the rehearsal yesterday of the ‘‘ new feature” in the programme of the Royal Gladiatorium, the poor girl missed the wire with her little finger, and in the return spring was flung over the refreshment-counter. It’s a monstrous cruelty. You must intervene! [ Bursts into tears. Imperturbable Home Secretary. My dear Sir, do calm yourself. Intervene? You see I’m in a position of extreme difficulty. Besides, believe me, these things are far less dangerous than they 00) Excited Philanthropist (wildly). Dangerous! I tell you she lay there, oavertts af insensible. Imper Home Secretary (slightly interested). Dear me! ut—you _see—ah! (Considerate Recreator is announced, and enters.) This gentleman, I am sure, will be able to give a satisfac- explanation of the contretemps. ‘ ate Recreator. In two twos, Mr. Secretary. The bg Ba as simple as can be—a child could do it. Our little Larux the bar, and is ed. carries her ninety feet horizontally, during which revolves twice, catehing the transverse flying swing, on its with her ankles. Then come the half cireular swoop, the plunge beckward through silver paper, and ‘the final & Imperturbable Home Seeretary. It seems very simple, Really, I should like to see——I mean—do you think it’s quite safe f : Considerate Recreator. Safe! Why, you could do it in a week, The Cae bt wrong. Imper ome Secretary. Ah! Well, I’m sure I’m very glad to hear it. Soaemney to Excited Philanthropist.) my good friend, don’t alarm yourself; you hear what this gentle- man says; there is no occasion for it. You know I told you these things are far less dangerous than they look. { Relapses into imperturbability as Act-drop falls, ACT II, Same Coup. lenpertarbalie Home Secretary discovered as before. Enter More excited Philanthropist hurriedly, Imperturbable Home Secr etary. Why, here you are again. What isitnow? Take a chair. More excited Philanthropist (hysterically). A chair! Come: there ’s not a moment to lose. It’s the most revolting exhibition I’ve ever seen in my life. (Seizes him.) Comé! Every one looks to you to stop it! : Imperturbable Home Secretary. Stop it! You don’t mean to Tr . ceched Patentioumi: I-te; ~The diver geper hes of x ; * 6 silver r ven isan Seoeah wane The poor girl-— Enter Consider ate Recreator. Considevets Bowester. Ie gring on'es tally, Mr. Secretary. A in his ) Mere pat roo : “ Y aed wed in face. concussion, temporary : and compound fracture of a transient character. Ban's chverlioed for Thursday. Plucky little woman! vf Home Secretary. Dear me! Most remarkable! But wouldn’t it be better now, if, as these little risks will occur, you could get a lay-figure, for instance ?

finger. Then the head-foremost Considerate Recreator. Saw-dust? No, Sir. The public, whea

they pay their money, like to have flesh.

— —-

— =

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~y 6 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Fesrvary 21, 1880. Imperturbable Home Secretary (reflectively), Ah, yes! I dare say! I suppose—a dog, now Comsiderate Recreator. What ?—and let us in for ‘‘ Cruelty to Animals?” No; that would never do. [ They both laugh. More excited Philanthropist. This is inhuman! And do you mean to say, then, that you are not going to do anything ? Imperturbable Home Secretary. Well, you see, I don't think so— at least, not at present. [ Relapses once more, as Act-drop falls. ACT III. Same Scene—Imperturbable Home Secretary, Indignant Philan- thropist, and Considerate Recreator, discovered. Indignant Philanthropist. Well, was 1 right or not? satisfied now? Here—here’s the report. of a fatal accident from an Evening Paper.) Imperturbable Home Secretary. Yes—deat me—a sad misfortune ; and most annoying to me after the assurances I have received that there was no sort . (Reproachfully to Considerate Re- creator.) You know I quite trusted to you. Indeed, I may say I left myself entirely in your hands. Considerate Recreator (touched), Well, lean’t say that you didn’t. You gave us every chance. But there—if you forget to hang the wire, where are you? It will be a deuce of a drop to the business. Imperturbable Home Secretary. Yes, no doubt, and I am sorry to hear it. But pa see, I am afraid I must intervene. The young woman, I think I understood you to say, was——?”’ Indignant Philanthropist. Killed on the spot ! Imperturbable Home Secretary. Dear me—you don’t say so, A very sad accident (apologetically), and obliges me to at last —— Indignant Philanthropist. Ahi at last. Considerate Recreator. You don’t mean it! Imperturbable Home Secretary. 1 really do——To"stop the Per- Sormance, Are you (Reads harrowing details Slow Music. Curtain. AN UGLY TALE FROM THE TRANSVAAL, De. W. H. Russert — the doyen of War-Correspondents, by virtue of service no less than seniority—has been publishing in the Duily Telegraph \etters detailing instances of the most serious and repeated — of discipline among our troops in the Transvaal. Sir Gannet Wotse.ry has branded these statements by telegraph as *‘ gross exaggerations and transparent untruths.” The Doctor has since declared that he has stated nothing but what he saw himself or had at first hand from eye-witnesses; and we have no choice but to believe him. Thus reiterated, the charges will have to be met by more than a telegraphic denial. They are serious enough to get up more than a rustle—a row. The sooner these allegations of insubordination are seriously looked into the better. Can the late cutting of the Cat’s tails be at the bottom, or rather at the back, of it ? _ Are we to conclude that “‘ when the Cat’s away the mice will play ” in this very ugly fashion,—getting drunk, wrecking and looting under their officers’ noses ? fis earnestly to be hoped not—or the ‘harmless, necessary Cat”’ will have to be brought back again, and we shall be driven to the conelusion that our soldiers are ruffians only to be kept in order by the means appropriate to ruffianism. Absit omen! Far be it from Punch to say or think so, but he hears it said, and he knows it is thought, by many wearers of Her Majesty’s uniform, He grieves that pr ol should be given to such words and thoughts by the reiterated statements of Dr. W. H. RusseLL, an authority we still accept as unimpeachable, even after Sir Garnet's sweeping telegraphic contradiction. HOW WE ARE GOVERNED. Heap of the Cabinet—Lord BreaconsFIeD. Tail of the Cabinet—Lord B. concealed. SPEECHES AND SECURITIES. In what do the wordy Debates in the House of Commons resemble Turkish Bonds? Absence of Interest. ANGLICAN OBSCURANTISM. ’Trs an ill wind that blows nobod . The late f vided the Ritualist Clergy with an excuse 1 Candler —_ Very DrrFerent.—There is no real Harmon ; between Conser- vatives and Home-Rulers, though there may be Inc-HakMAN-y. HINTS FOR A NEW AND ORIGINAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. Cuapter VII, Another Lecture—Remarks— Casting Vote—Effect— Announcements —Nezt Subject. Lecture the Second at the Ideal Dramatic College on the subject of ‘‘ Rehearsal” (which Mr. Bancrort has already treated in the revious Chapter), will be given by Mr. Jonw HoiiinesHeaD, who, fore the same Students, would probably inculcate the following practical and most useful lesson :— Gentlemen, for my part, and giving the result of my lengthy and varied experience, no piece, however slight, should be attempted under, at least, siz months’ careful and laborious rehearsal, At the first rehearsal the Actors should all come perfect in their words—absolutely perfect—no nonsense about it, no gammon, no shirking, no bogus, absolutely eK perfect. ““ Hear, hear!”) The ly ye on should be all from the very first, just © y as they are going to be at th the last. (Applause from the Students.) It is only iat thie way that success can be achieved. you ’ve ever seen at the aiety—take Robbing Roy, for ex- a pg produced under, as I’ve said before, at least six months. Six months! ’pon my soul, now I come to think of it, I would far sooner say siz years. Nothing on the stage must be left to chance. The doctrine of ‘‘ Short rehearsals make | runs,” is only true, if qualified by the amount rehearsed, and not as to the duration of each rehearsal itself, or to the whole series. ‘Short rehearsal” should be only a comparativeterm. I don’t believe in the parrot-cry of the British workman about “ short hours.” I say, go in a buster for it when you do goin, and keep the steam 7 fora whole year of rehearsals if necessary. (Great cheering. lad to see you like my plan. It’s the only genuine, practical one, I can tell you that, For example, say we are only to devote our attention one morning to a portion of a Comedy— a Scene of one Act—this, though it should occupy the Actors, the carpenters, the property- men, the orchestra, and all the employés for the best three hours of their lives, would be comparatively a short rehearsal. Rehearse bit by bit, go over it again and again, and get each bit perfect. Don’t trust to the Prompter. He is only paid to prompt in case prompting should be necessary. The Prompter is, so to speak, the stage-doctor. He is called in when somebody goes a little wrong. But he should never be called in when everything is going like clockwork. (Cheers from Students.) Trust nothing to inspiration. In classical lingo, Inspiration be blowed! (Immense cheering.) Know exactly what you are going to do, and what everybody else is going to do. You do yours, and my. © theirs, Each Actor, from the principal to the super, should — of a thorough knowledge of the entire story of the piece in which he is playing a part. What the French call the ensembie is the secret. ust see the French Company of the Théatre Francais at the Gaiety, that "ll give you some idea of meaning. The scenery and pro exactly as they will be for the public performance, must be used at every rehearsal. No matter how slight the mistake, or how important the Artist who makes it, let him go over and over that cular passage again and again, until the Stage Manager and the Author are both satis- fied. No dillydallying, no mee ty tantrums, but over and over again, round goes the wheel, till the machinery works without 4 hitch. (‘‘ Hear, hear!”) Ruat calum AD yey mee bad houses for a ¥ than that any piece be produced with insufficient earsal. (Loud cheers from Students.) Gentlemen, you will oblige me by juat tipping the’ Oyps in attendance to take our caps and gowns in the - ) i : —)\" ) ws c c room, where , requesting you to observe the vital principle of ‘‘ Remember the Boxkeeper.”’ Gentlemen, the lecture is over, and whether called to be Actors St Managers, I am sure you will do wisely to lay these lessons well to heart. Gentlemen, you can skedaddle. Au revoir, Bless you EES

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Feprvary 21, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 7 The two foregoing some slight idea of the difference of doctrine on the same subject. decide? The Master and Council, the Master having the casting vote, and the “ ” vote here will mean whether the Professor, whose teaching is reprobated, shall be uded in the Dramatis Persone in the bills of the Ideal Dramatic Colle . At the end of every term a notice could be placed in Hall annowasing the Supsects or Leorvars ror THe Ensure Tam, On, the of Blank Delivery Mr. Kewpat. ints as to extra own food and drink. i — proceed to su considering the constitution Lecturesses, Tut German Minister of Finance is Hert Brrran. understand the peculiar suggestiveness of such a name, Lectures from Mr. Bancrorr and Mr. Ho On the Neoessity of ‘Cleat i. 2 oe oe ete Expres- { —_ ea . » Mr, J, Hane, kes ; : . Mr, Lrowet Broven, On & seoenity of Per- a iaalieNcvmla of gots of Ex. ag Character A i ; ‘ ‘ On the nad. Hlapsnce Essen to t Comedian . : ‘ . Mr, Watrenr Lacr. Mr, J, L, Toons, Mr. J, W, Amsow, room as if you were unbutton gloves, how to replace hat on od, how . Me, Anrave Czor, On the Avoidance of Any- thing like Monotony in Acting . ° ° » oy the Stage as a Echos or Speakin Correct an Classic English : . On the B Effects of clowning” in Comedy. Mr, OpgLL, On Dignity of Deportment inthe Highest Walks of y, on the Power of the Eye, and of General Breadth of Style . ° On the Advantages of a m Manner, and a Slow and Impressive Delivery. Mr, Epwarp Terry. On the careful Use of the Right Hand, and the Absence of Anything . Mr. J. Ryper. On_ Self-conscionusness as _enroeare of Dramatic ‘ower , > ° . Mr, Bapwesanto, On the Readiest Means of a an airy, touch-and-go, vivacious Style, with a rapid and articulate Delivery of Patter Speeches . . Mr. Barry Sviuivan. t a few Notes for the Professors’ previous Mr, Horace Wiean, Mr. Davin James, Mr, Tomas THornz, UNPLEASING TO OFFICIAL RAR, @S8HEAD will convey 8 ect . Mr, Coantes Wreonam, a bee, the Norz.—Inoluding tgosial instructions on how to enter & y; how pas gloves, how to exit so as to ore Oe t you A 4 Somebody. and gloves, which will not be handed round te Students for practice, provide himself with “these accessories, On Realand Personal Properties . . © «+ «+ & Norz.—This Lecture will include most wholesome advice as to the Stage, whether for breakfast, luncheon, tea, dinner, or sup their Dramatic Course as to what they are to eat, drin indigestion incurred by eating too much property-chicken, or drinking an extra glass of ‘‘some very ood stuff’ made by the property-man to represent wine, and highly recommended by the management. salacy if required to play eating parts, and a certain allowance made for bringing your own required to of the table on the r. Further advice to Students on commencing ay avoid, on the Stage. On the dangers of Lectures, to College, with its Presidentess and fully certificated Our Minister of Finance must THE TRIUMPH OF COWEN. (From the Jingo point of view.) rt noes ‘imperium et Libertas, Tyne’s dusk flood and coaly shore Echoing to the battle’s roar ! Checked byt wa Se tropes nti- ve up : Wincing at A trenchant thrust Daunted Dilke-ites bite the dust ; While the glowing periods flow Mad with Russophobist gloo” ’ F’en the cynic P M. G. Stinting normal pish and tush, Condescends to common wen back till all is blue! or Newcastle's pride Hurroo!!! APPROPRIATE, the Rev. Mr. Qui large family, in Mr. Trottore’s Barchester Towers,—but it is not often we meet with a thoroughly neat and ap iate name in real . When foun, t should be ee Ged tele ee y,—vide Divorce Court Telegraph, Friday, Feb. ib, when the tol- lowing witness was examined :— “WitiaM Srey, a Private Detective, said that upon one occasion he was outside, &o. &."’ Could Mr. Trottope have in- a Detective ? to the 5 2 3 F iy verall i cee li y ad hy . uti . how some of his _ rte Lg some oung men . to pret; but, not till then / ~~

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THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 21, 1880, theif { Qi its j if \ | { Mi Why Ni yi ,! " =. —— “a —_— —— OP eee eS eee THE LATE FOGS. Tae POOR FOGGED-OUT PAINTERS IN Or, AND WATER COLOURS PARADING THE STREETS OF KENSINGTON, AND SINGING IN CHORUS. j WAN) I | it ca i Hf H) j : } HH) ; | Mil LENTEN PENANCES FOR THE CABINET. Lord Beaconsfield.—To reconcile his Ministerial statements in the House of Lords with the official utterances of his subordinates in the House below. To condense the solid substance contained in ** Peace with Honour,” and to define the “Scientific frontier” of North-Western India as now secured. Lord Salishury.—To make the Suitan hear reason, and reduce big and little maps of Central Asia to a common scale. To sift out the grains of salt from his own official utterances, Parliamentary and extra-Parliamentary. To read his own and his chief’s speeches of four years ago, especially those dealing with a certain ‘* master of gibes and sneers.” Lord Cranbrook.—To peruse the Indian Press articles upon the aims and management of the campaign in Afghanistan. Earl Cairns.—To analyse our failures in the shape of Bank- ruptey, Real Property Registration, and Conveyancing Reform Bills, and to draw outlines of measures that will work in all three. Sir Michael Hicks- Beach.—To come to an arrangement (through the telegraph) with Sir Barrie Frere upon the future of South Africa. Colonel Stanley.—To repent (in sackcloth and ashes) of his treat- ment of the Military Medical Department. Mr. W._H. Smith.—To add up the sums paid last year for repairs of Her Majesty’s iron-clads. Lord John Manners.—To write an essay upon the advantages of the telephone. Viscount Sandon.—To enumerate the benefits to trade evidenced by the recent recov in chemicals, and to draw up an essay on scientific agriculture for tenant-farmers in Asia Minor. Mr. Cross.—To teach the Licensed Victuallers how to love him, and to arrange with the Metropolitan Board of Works a workable Bill for the purchase of sites for artizans’ dwellings. And, lastly—Sir Stafford Northeote.—But no——the preparation of the Budget will be penance enough for Aim / Tae Lrverpoot Masorrry (translated into a Trumpet-note of Triu mph).—Too—too—toeo— Won ! AN INVITATION OF THE DAY (To the Garden of Academe). Come into the Tripos, Maun, For the dark old days have flown ; Come into the Tripos, Maup— Were schools é for men alone ?— Soon the Undergrads will be shouting abroad Your name, love, as well as my own! See! the slow old world moves on, If the planet of love burns shy, , Beginning to wane, though not yet quite gone Out of modern young peoples’ sky. Will it faint in the light of the lists outshone, And girl Wranglers of ‘‘ Spoons” fight shy ? There has fallen a splendid tear From a Newnham girl at the gate— For Newnham to Girton never came near, And Girton was all en féte. The Galleries cry, ‘‘ She ’s Eighth Wrangler, the dear! ” And the Dons nod, ‘‘ Bracketed eight!” And Girton listens,—‘‘ We hear, we hear! ”— And Newnham whispers, ‘I wait!” The Policy of Pit. “\ From the Shade of Charles Lamb (“ Elia”) to Mr. Bancroft :—“ In those days were Pit orders. Beshrew the uncomfortable Manager who abolished them.” Nots the St. James's Theatre Advertisement.— Who was Prrr a: > Ghent Commoner. The Theatrical Pit should be a little commoner. Another row added to the Pit at this theatre! The most comfortable Pit in London! Reasonable Pit prices. Si e extra to the Picture G: between the Entr’actes. Pit! Pit!! Pit!!! The St. James’s might then consider itself as successfull ly pitted against the a Just now both are doing sufficiently well, and neither to be pitied.

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RSIAN) “ CAT’S-PAW.” (AFTER [AND BEFORE) LANDSEER.) ’ 4 (PI ‘ 4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 21, 1880. ry THE

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Feprvary 21, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 81 NO PARTY AFFAIR. Mr. Powxcn! PPosED as I am to all M A REAL PAGE FROM AN AUTOCRAT’S DIARY. (By the Pall Mall’s Own Correspondent.) OR .—Awoke after disturbed t. Dreamt of yesterday - ar ny oo evening’s explosion. Breakfast. Picked men of the Royal Body- TRY Aa mA the Roval Title effected r Ay sentry at all the doors. Battalion of the Preobrajensky Fax oa Rit syne, through t and of artillery in the corridor. Police corps three a Parliamen’ boon by a so-called vative Govenaih. Gracious Masesty title than that of Queen increase accruing K the s Bove| wine reign — a on = conferred u a Premier whe is no- d thing but a But now ‘hg bs ant fact has edly trans trod thet the oq I held that Her Most could bear no prouder cigar-box. at each w, in order to intercept bullets, or to give warning if vilion seen within sight of the Palace, While at breakfast read = DrentTetn kindly opening letters, in case they shoul te, i, nitro-glyeerine, or other explosive substance German tobacconist st suspected porarad tnido mag petvate n sus , a8 his wife, mother, an been banished to Siberia. Tobacconist arrested—to and brother. wafer of Gusat Barraim and follow wile, mothe, : thes} .B. In future Drenreiy to LAND. cigar. before I open pposing .—Same arrangement of an breakfast. Terrific zara saan Left of Palace, containing Imperial Library, tot totally to have been undermined, and min ered, by thinks the perpetrators must hove, imagin in the Library as I did yesterday. I see how DRENTELN’s request that I would never take a meal in the two together. Decree published banishing elec- surat band «tlhe or importers of explosive eateale to who ho is no-| BE Chief of Secret Police that during this morning’s Tg a young x; was discovered reading the This s nba ven foreign literature must be fee fe given orders for young title of Empress of Inpra was originally given 4, the Quezw by no to have been educated at the Unin versity of of, Kharko 7 _- _~ a men than His ge the poe a da I Fm that just hente mo present all ot ve . — and replacing ters the case er, considered as a question o: mour, le plated , escorted rafts Politics a = Punch, I consider it one for the Prime nee ces = steel by d from Minister’s yal Mistress to have been constituted by her Sang ment, on his T ecemintndation. an Empress, nite an have had that highest gradation of earthly sak ine! : oy of by the Mac Catttm More. I have the honour to be, Mr. Punch, a Tory of the Tories, if you please, and whether you please or no, but first of a A Scorcnmay, A SUPERFLUOUS EFFIGY. friends, in the project of setting up a prayen te Brings I Imperial in Westminster Abbey? You bg =i was a good young man who, from inherited attachment and personal gratitude to this oquniry. took part with us trod | Peterhol Cerewaro in the Zulu War, and laid down his life whilst en in fighting our battle? Dear friends, this supposition is as generous as it is ree nearly ; which is saying a great deal for you. Writ en image to the willl Why? Everybody but a donkey—present company excepted—knows per- fectly “well that Prince Louis nye | intervene in our my African quarrel—with proverbial reward—in knowledge of warfare. He went, for prastice in E aoe” S fight the Zulus, and kill, or assist in killing, if necessary, as man as came in his way. Is this - ' sort of proceeding to be crmany by a er in any | ew of worship where it is customary to recite the Sixth Commandment ? Do you wish to make Frenchmen imagine that we look with dislike upon the Republic, and account the Empite France’s — fit of Government ? ould you have Germany sup’ that we desire the # revival of a dynasty bent on avenging Sedan No, dear friends, if you must set up an image of that unfortunate young Bonaparte, let it be not a graven, but a waxen one, and place it not in Westminster Abbey, but in that much more suitable | Gov sopenitery, Madame Tussavn’s, a ong with the other memorials of the Bonarartes already on view there. = 3 Scientific and Shifting. On where and oh where is our Indian frontier gone ? It’s dodging ’twixt Herat or Merv and—say the Arctic zone, And it’s oh how we wish that its wanderings were done ! Oh where and oh ee did our Indian frontier dwell ? It dwelt among the Sulimans, and we fancied all was well. But where it is now not Lord B. himself can tell. Suppose and suppose that our Indian frontier ’s found ! If another y rises it again may shift its ground. And it’s oh what a bore is this game of Brag all round! form Belgium to oceupy off to ——, ty ree SS a gun Thought safer t than escort of one regi- nent cee Teramined fee sar eine ve, seg loyal inhalants = Eo. Te ep ont of Si em bi mea for safe return. Loyal telegrams + chief to and eames oth me 0 drive. Officer of Third a all - oe tersilio explosion: a hundred of f = Fin blown into the air, Lucky EE my ae ires found ae mine ¥n4 wee bee Syst from rest of temily ony oie to ry have irri him. Order arrest of all uaintances tradesm South. Leave at midnight for bh Es wok XS one Southern a i e oy > or of Railway ‘is can 1 help itF NEW MOVES STILL OPEN. (A Page from the Note Book of a Noble Statesman.) gn look up a new phrase, vice Scientific Frontier, — .—To secure the safety yy Islands, by laviting annex "Monaco Fr Eeuc of oe pein " in On Central I A \lueen 0 au and meh mgs Fe A wy ven ¢ Princes of the Blood Royal Blem."To ton! ah Depend tron n india as a Marquis, and to _ by His Genes the and to rere from ~ . .—To accept a an re presen Ministry i in favour of Lord Sarisp Mem.—To support Home Rule, aon "English Manhood Snuff rage Mem.—To gag Sir CHaRces ‘Ditke with a Garter, and ring necessary, to anchor with a Gold Key, to offer & ick of ‘Cabinet Offices to Sir W. Vennon Hancovrt. n—To dedien dedicate a New Edition of certain Standard Novels to ee ee of the Conservatives of sation of the Bete ee Pe eaal und Petriotie Party ee Tue Srony oF tHe Sovrawank Execrion (tx serev).—Dorn —and Done—between two Gentlemen. SS en 4

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82 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 21, 1880, ee . Re yd aawing on he had Bill been the he was sd ben the toh “ Shah 2 Sa ever ss the Bill conferring the title. PUNCH’S ESSENCE 9° (Lords).—The Macattum More area to| The Basutos are being the Quexn “the Empress of India,” some ten years os , wanted an equivalent he hit on “ Em ” The mistake was If that work of the Imperial policy in the East,” not. So “‘ let that flee stick by the wa’.” OF PARLIAMENT. disarmed, Lord Capocaw told Lord Kru BERLEY, “ with due to the feelings of the inhabitants.” That is the way we do ev invasion extermination included— under the present most aw Administration. The Lory Cuancetton tabled his Bill making employers liable for accidents te workmen caused by the wrongful act or negligence of servants in authority, though in “‘ the same employment.” The

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Fesavary 21, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 83 ie pecie —= a THE WITTLER’S WOTE, Ww WAN * Post’ em up, them Tory bills! |\ Paper ’s plenty, __ is cheap. Wittlers work with ’arty wills, And unanermous as sheep. Heed that Giapstorr’s oily tongue ? No, not me!” says Brother Bune. **? Ate him and his thieving gang ; Rob the Church, the land degrade. Let the bloomin’ lot go ’ang ! Teach ’ em to molest ‘The Trade’ ! Spite o’ mud by Mawworms flung, We wotes blue,” says Brother Bune. ** Beer and Bible ? Right you are! Pooty pair! and, wot’s ame, winners | Them Dissenters ban the bar— Rank us Publicans aa sinners. But the Church our praise has sung: They’re my men!” says Brother Bune. x Princerples | ? Well, these is mine :— England ’s—like us Wittlers—one ! Pall together—that’s the line— And yer enemies is done. Tread ’em ’neath yer feet like dung, | Wittlers’ way!” says Brother Bune. y G ‘* Rooshian brutes, teatotal cads— Foes is foes, and must be crushed Ben ’s the boy to dish the Rads ; He’s the party to be pushed Hoist him to the highest rung— Wittlers win!” says Brother Bune. we \ \ wy (Ny AN i be, For Lord Lawrence. LY) y : if \ } \ Ne \ y, fj /? y : af =" \ “A numerously-attended public meeting was held yesterday | at the Mansion House, the Lonp Mayor presiding, with a | view of considering what steps should be taken for the — of a suitable monument to Lord Lawrenocr. The s included Lord Derny, Lord Gzorncz Hamitrton, M.P., the Dean of Westminster, Mr. Justice Sreruen, Lord Nonrru- BROOK, and Lord GRANVILLE.” Ir Pt oy - ny spy: a modest enegestion i such a tribute, it wo a representation of the Scientific Frontier, ‘and for inscription— _— in for BD oe. Persea wparbovd te batcaft ths “ ; ice.” mith is going ‘or Hig rt decoration, and wishes to combine t of t Pa Tn Prench and English Schools, Having had his Walls Papcred and Painted in the latest English style, he goes to France for his Hangings, NEVER SATISFIED, ‘‘Oranoz Corrarns! Bur, Monsrevr PArgeLarp, won’rt Ornanoe Cur- Some people are always suspecting the foreign policy | T4I*8 KILL M¥ Hica Buve Davo?” of the Government. Now they are beginning to smell a “Parsteu! He 1a A Beast, your 'Ion Bive Davo! anp I VEEsH TO He-rat in Central Asia. KILL HIM VERY MUCH INDEED!”’ difficulty is to define ‘‘ servants in authority ;” which feat will be | | Sebeetint fori —y =A into Home-Rulers’ demands was very different delegated to a Select Committee. ,or even admitting a primd facie case for (Commons.)—Mr. Stannore resolutely declined to let the Cabul- | ‘en cy ie Ramsar had promised his vote for inquiry, there Cat ra “ Knout ” it should perhaps be called as being Russian) out | was Kina Harman, Home-Ruler, just made Lord-Lieutenant of of the Sligo, And there sat among the supporters of the Government Colonel Stawxey disclaims the Indian War Correspondents’ Gag. | and Home-Rule inquiry with a view to it, Sir G. mages This precious implement of coercion and restraint is like the Cat last Mr. Hamonp, Lord CastLerRacH (and he might have add the War Ollie. ont seems ashamed to father it. India saddles it on | Mr. Cowen). Why should the Opposition repudiate such allegiance the War Office, the War Office tosses it back to India. No wonder, | when the Government accepted it ? in this bandying process, if the Gag is dropped—as it seems to be. The Atronney-Generat for IneLanp denied the analogy. Adjourned debate on the Irish Amendment to the Address. Mr. by ae a a gt pe ” . 7 ” pated Mr. MircHEett Henry, one of the most reasonable of Home-Rulers, — mov er adjournment 0 6 as well as most energetic, liberal, and improving of Irish landlords, | Chick after a half-hour’s fight, the CaanceLior of the EXCHEQUER, after describing his own "experience, both of the suffering and its | 9% usual, yielded. remedies, declared that in the West famine Aad set in, and that| It can’t be said that the cloud of Famine does not loom large Government were censurable for not having met it by reproductive and black enough over Ireland to justify more than « night’s talk— works, as on railways. if yd an ‘‘ amendment” in more than words could come of it. Mr. E. Forster thought that the Government had done wesday (Lords.)—The Government (Lord BeaconsrreLp informed their best to avert famine by accumulation of food and fuel, and oS GRANVILLE) has not released the Persian Cat’s claws from the relaxations of out-door relief. treaties that have kept the Afghan He-rat safe from her since But on further discussion it appeared that no such accumulations | 1857. There has been diplomatic talk, but ans more as yet. had been made, on no such relaxations sanctioned, and so the Irish; Lord Dz ta Waxr wants to have his little Bill settling ye er’s Members pressed their ~\ 4! supinenere, against the Government, liability for Servants’ injuries shunted into the same Select - whose case was well stated y M H. Sura. mittee siding with KS ArnNs’. But Lord Carns Lang yy Lord Haxtryetow could not support a Vote of Censure till he| (Commons.)—Lord J. Mawwers doesn’t see his way to a Copy- exactly what the Government had done. As yet the Irish| right Bill this Session. \ Auctores Mores expectent,” Tet Authors Members had failed to make out their case. He then went on to the wait for Mawnxns.” of the Opposition and the Home-Rulers, and pointed out! Sir Sravroxp spoke to the same effect as his Chief of the Persian ate aaa ceinaenannaane Seesaw carer

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| yet full. 84 Cat and the He-rat, if rather less vaguely. (See Punch’s Cartoon, in which the “coming event casts its shadow before.” The Cat, it will be observed, has not yet burnt its paws.) : : Mr. CHAMBERLAIN reopened the Irish Debate. He didn’t believe in Home-Rule, but was ready to govern Ireland according to Irish ideas, and, as the ment, would support the Amendment. The Land Laws and Landlords wanted dealing with. The Govern- ment had done but little, nor done that little well. So said Mr. Monp , Mr. Rytanps, Mr. Jacon Brieut, Mr. O'SHAUGHNESSY, and @ of Home-Rulers. Mr. Cross answered To have broken down Poor-Law restraints while they could be maintained, would have been a fatal mista. The Covers: works w would see that ment had its eyes i its hands ready. as in 1847. ye forthco have been mere seed for next year’s ing. On division, Mr, w's A t wee Hepatived by 216 to 66. The talk has all though , li y, to empty benches—onee to clerks at table, and a single Member besides the ane on his legs. Up to this time the more violent of the Home- in to orefruct gad exasperate. PARNELL is, h y; or this re m s.” In his eclipse even te@4R has loomed less, thusfar. But now comes the tura 645 and O’DonneEt! | on W ednesday ( Wednesday ; day of penance) the House—after a reasonable quart d’hewre with Mr. Fawcett on the incidence of the costs of hostilities in Af, ,» wound up Sir Srarrorp’s promise that before the was asked to vote any of the year’s money it should have an ets settling the distribution of their burden—bowed ite bead te the sackcloth and ashes of Mr. O'Downett’s elequence, while to an empty house he wasted his wind and the House's time for an hour and a half, till the hour of adjournment arriving ‘‘ diarrhaam verborum diremit,”’ Thursday (Lords).—Lord BEaconsFIELD tinct disclaimer than before of the repo her engagement not to snap up Herat. Lord ¢ Carnys who last night declined to give a hearing before the Select Committee to Lord Dg ta Warre’s Bill on Compensation by Employers for Injuries to Servants, offered one to Lord Dz 1a Wakrre, to represent his views on the Committee in person. A sensible and cool talk, started by Lord Emty, about the dis- tress in Ireland, and general agreement that the Government had dealt with it wisely if not too well, and had avoided some of the mistakes of 1847. Altogether it was evident that their Lordships were not in any mae of famine, or they would scarcely have been so cool and reasonable. (Commons.)—After questions and answers, Mr. 0’ Donne xt rose to resume his rhodomontade, in which he seemed determined to seize the opportunity of out-Parnelling Parnwett. Nobody stopped to hear him. Brieear appeared for first time this Session, apologising most unnecessarily for a shorter s than usual as he had an en- gagement to talk in Southwark. ther anywhere than in the House ! Mr. Foxieaw seconded Mr. O'DonweLt in a rhapsody worthy of his leaders, and the House, till then empty, filled for Division—128 to 12. Not one Englishman in the minority, of course, and only the Intransigentes among the Home-Rulers. : Over the Relief of Irish Distress Bill, the > grasa whether the advances authorised by the Biil should be made out of the Church Surplus Fund, as proposed, or out of the Exchequer, was discussed in a business-like way, considering the Irish propensity to interpret the rule, ‘‘ Help yourselves” in the sense of ‘‘ Put your hand into somebody else's pocket,” and with a refreshing absence of the rampant O’Donnelism and Finniganism to which the House—or rather its walls—had just been treated. In the end, the House accepted the Bill, without amendment. The Arrorney-Generat’s Bankru Law Amendment was referred to a Select Committee, Sir Henny J a ny his valuable help in the shaping of th ve an even more dis- of Persia from e Bill. Time show if Sir Jom~ Hoxxer’s measure is todo anything more effectual for the cleansing of the Augean stable of Insolvency Law than its prede- cessors. With so man vultures waiting for the carcases of the insolvent estates, we doubt the likelihood of anything beyond the bare bones being in most cases saved for creditors. Friday (Lords),—The He-rat has wor been put at the merey of the Persian Cat—not yet—so reiterates Lord B. Dr. Farr is seventy-two, and not in strong health. The Premrer gives these as his reasons for not making the Doctor Registrar- General, and they are unimpeachable ones. At the same time, it is rather odd that there was nobody so fit for the place as the ex-cavalry-officer, ex-private- , and brother-in-law to a Cabinet Minister. We w now that it is Dr. Farr who has gone further in life than a serupulous i of responsibility could allow in a istrar- and has fared the worse for it. The be assumed, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. the Government. Not a workhouse was | mild [Feprvuary 21, 1880. be hoped: that the Government will mark their high sense of Dr. Fanrr’s services in his superannuation allowance. (Commons.)—Sir Garnet Wo.setey has given the lie to Dr. W. H. Rossecw’s statements of insubordination among our troo in the Transvaal as roundly as telegraph wires can give it. Between such a statement, and such a denial, further inquiry is inevitable. Mr. Stannope read General Ropgrts’s letter, denying, generally the charge of having hung Afghans for resisting us in arms, and declaring that our conduct, on the whole, has been ‘‘ extremel ild and lenient.” This, as far as General Roserts is concerned, Punch is quite ready to believe—though, to be sure, the Ghoorkas do seem to have set fire to a few Afghans before “‘life was quite extinct.” But then it was all but; and, like the Sailor, ‘‘ they need not have been so nasty particular to a few minutes.” Mr. Haxpcastie is much concerned about the sanitary risks from fore acy of the big barracks which are being run up outside Edin- argh in hot—or rather cold and damp—haste, to lodge voters for Mr. Guapstowe by way of retort of flats on faggots. But the canny Seots of Midlothian may be trusted. They are not such flats as to go into houses unfit to live in. Worthy champion of such a cause, WHeEELnovse, Q.C., hoisted the banner of Protection, and did the food service of eliciting a dis- claimer from the Government by Mr. Bourke—fit agent in burking the old love of the Tory Benches—and of heading a Protectionist ee Hope of Eight—with the tellers—faithful of the tribe of ie Let Punch record the names of this immortal otett, -W HEELHOUSE and Karon, tellers. Sir Geonck Bowyer, Captain Beprorp Pro, Mr. Bentiycx, Mr. Serjeant Sprvxs, and Major O’Gorman. None but themselves could be their parallels—and if Punch had been asked to call the muster for such a last Protectionist parade, whom could he have placed in the van more valiant than BowYEe, whom to cover the retreat more stout and stalwart than the Major! ln answer to Sir W. Hancovrt’s direct interpellation, Sir StaFForD accepted Lord Grorce Hawrtton’s conclusion that the treaty of Paris, and its Tripartite empeite, were both practically abrogated by the Treaty of Berlin, and that we were now bound to the defence of Turkey by less onerous obligations than our old diplomatic ties. Hoist wWItH His OWN Perarp. Tue Reieton ror Rrrvatist Curates.—Nincom-Popery. public, it is fared the better. One thing is to 4 To Connusronpunts.—The Bditor does not hold himself bound to ac: knowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned wnless accompanied by & stamped and directed envelope L whould be

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Fesrvuany 28, 1880. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, ae, > = / . A DIVISION OF LABOUR. jj Hh ti ~~” Aunt Mary, ‘Writ, Tommy, sHatt I canny your Bat anp Stumps ror you!” Tommy. ‘‘No, Aunty, Tangs! Mz Tagry Bat ayp 'Tumps. i} | mi THE “CROON” OF THE KOH-I- NOOR, (On the Production of Artificial Diamonds by Mr. Hannay of Glasgow, attested by Mr, Maskelyne of the British Musewm.) I was the brightest jewel In Queen Victoria’s Crown ; Now Chemistry, too cruel, My worth would topple down ! I defied the blow impending, Against Masxetyne’s forecast, as = MacrEar would be its ending, ut Ais mark has now been past, I ne’er thought ‘‘ Crystallisation Of Carbon” I should see: That [ndia’s favoured nation, Brazil’s, bowled out should be! Tis a G) t has done the trick. Deil fi that Scot uncanny ! ‘Awa’ wi’ him, Auld Nick! Shall his stones in Scotland’s bonnet Shine out, and make me Shall Salen. snaten enea di pebbies, plague upon it, Strike the Koh-i-Noor , w chiel, one Hanway, “sl MONUMENTUM @UZRIS, CIRCUMSPICE.” Tax Lorp Mayor announces that sub- scriptions for the Lord Lawrence Memorial Fund will be received at the Mansion House. Those who dissent from the policy now in the ascendant in Afghanistan cannot better show their disapproval than by paying their shot to the Lawrence Memorial Fund. In Sovrnware.— The * pint” in Mr. ’Oo tranny Mz/” Ciarxe’s favour—the Imperial. A PATRIOT’S APPEAL; OB, A RADICAL CURE FOR THE RADICAL CANKER. (From the P. M. G.’s point of view.) Ho! all ye rampant Radicals, who long have raved and roared, And on the brow of BeaconsFreLp your fierce invectives poured! Ho! hot and heady Hartineron ! ho! traitorous ArcyLe! Ho! Hagcovrt sour and saturnine, ho! Gaanvite black with bile! Ho! GoscHen, red republican, subversive Dersy ho! Fierce Forster, furious demagogue, and democratic Lows ! Ho! frantic Froupg, ho! weak Cartyxe, bland pander to the Mob, And ho!—and this most specially—thou sycophantic snob, Truth-hating, tyrant-flattering, and England-loathing cad, GLapsTong, whose whole and sole excuse is that thou art half mad! Ho !—well, in short,—ho! everyone who won’t with us agree, In magnifying SaLissury, and buttering Lord B., Who, whatsoe’er your Party badge, religion, rank, or place, Are all confounded Radicals, the scandal of your race,— Give ear! You are a scurvy lot, inspired by spite and hate, Who to your paltry private gains would sacrifice the State. The motive of your rant and cant is mere malicious rancour, Which gnaws your Party’s vitals like a sort of chronic canker. At least, so says the P. M. G.,—that aatente gent) raw near, lend ear, bend your stiff neeks, and take a patriot’s hint! You wor math Sang and lift your voice against your native land, Or question the high policy you cannot understand ; You must not cast doubts on her right to do the thing that ’s wrong, n taking part against the weak to shield her from the strong. ou mustn’t nourish yearnings keen to see her calm, and just, H and true—and all that trash in which the snivellers trust ; You mustn’t go and hotly flush with mawkish maudlin shame ‘o hear of tricks or meannesses committed in her name ; ou mustn’t call sitonteon, no, not even in advance, ne Ba sent te Bo bee ray te enhance must you point ou mistakes in policy or war, cr binsh a sight of bleod or mud upon conquering car ; or make inguiry in the mildest kind of mann ght Concerning aught that they may do who fi banner, For if pre do these horrid things, although your numbers swell To half—the better half—of those who in these islands dwell, ’Tis pain yum our Fae ve eyes—you re but a faction base, Inspired by of England and a hungry greed for place. ’T will prove you'd lick the tyrant’s hand, of honour nothing reck, That you would place the foreign yoke on England's prostrate neck, To save your carcasses from scathe, your coffers from assault, That curs like you rejoice to prove your countrymen in fault, That like base God-forsaken ghouls, blind to the brave and good, You ’d grope for paltry y-gain midst British soldiers’ blood. You don’t quite see the Q. E. D.? Ah! that’s because you’re blind, Unnaturally cold of heart as eapeten’ of mind. Take lesson from the Musie Hall and from the pothouse bar, Where roaring Cads and blatant Bungs, more patriotic far Than statesmen and philosophers, than scholars, artists, thinkers, Prove that we have the true Britons,—the tap-talkers and bar- drinkers: : s And that the only recipe for curing your insanity, a Is to out out your vile canker—care for justice and humanity ! A Heavy Blow and a Great Discouragement, Fartnt, we learn from the Diritto, has been elected President of the Italian Chamber of Deputies. This may be a great thing for Italy, but it will be a sad blow to the Aquarium. Happily the Friendly Zulus and Cerewasro’s Daughters will not accompany him —at least for the present. former, it is thought, may he reserv- ing themselves for the Irish, not the Italian, Parliament. Fanatics and Fagots. PRL ge ney Pg Paty = Aly a a in one “on the other nde it in naturally 7 tin return In as well as theology is bigotry on sides ; i- cularly when in resorting to the { one against the other, i assist om both aides at » political auto-dafé-” — VoL. LXXvmm. ee I Py a perenne core

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86 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARILI. [Fesrvuary 28, 1880. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. \V \e ARS Ne —\ by Matmessury, the widows and orphans of Purchase Officers| From the Treasury, say the Home-Rulers (by Sywan’s Amend- killed in action have been in a better position than before the| ment, rofehing by 136 to 34), anxious to keep the Church Surplus Crimean War. Till then they lost everything ; since then, when | for esta a peasant proprietary. The Government contend, poor, they receive a certain proportion of the slain man’s purchase- | and with unanswerable force, as it seems to Punch and the House. money in the shape of pension or payment. Abolition of purchase | that the impending Irish distress answers better the description of has wrought them no oy |a national calamity, to relief of which the Church Surplus Fund It is interesting to know that Lord SraaTHEDEN prefers Alder- | should by law be devoted, than the transformation of a certain number shott to Brighton, and Whiteuntide to Easter, for the Volunteer | of Irish tenants into landlords—though this t, according to Review. The War Office sees no objection to the Volunteer Com- | some not extravagant contentions, turn out a na’ , too. manding Officers’choice of Brighton and Easter. This is unfortunate.| There was a tough fight over Mr. O’DonnELL’s Amendment for But Lord StaaTHEpEN and CamPBELL is used to snubbing. | giving Guardians power to relieve with money as well as food (Commons.)—The Speaker having succumbed at this early period | 8nd fuel. This was negatived by 195 to 120, a division such as of the Session to the protracted Irish debates, Mr. Rarkes took his | Mr. O’Dowwext has rarely been favoured with. A proper award for : was not more satisfactory than the his comparative rationality through to-night’s debate. Mowpay, Feb. 16 (Lords).—Since 1855, Lord Bury informed) isto come. From the Church Surplus Fund, —e the Government. p th lace. Rarkes’ pi PEAKER’s; and the a had another Irish night’s entertainment, Tuesday (Lords.)—Diplomatic Question raised—‘* Is the Tripartite over the Relief of Distress Bill, till nearly three in the morning. Treaty dead?”—a question scarcely to be ask — matic Viscount CasTLEREAGH disclaimed the pathy with Home-Rule | simple sense would argue, seeing that the Treaty binds Great Britain, imputed to him by Lord Harrryeron. He would rather not sit for | Austria, and France in a guarantee of the wy sy and independ- County Down, than sit as a Home-Ruler, representing upside-down. | ence of the Ottoman Empire in 1856, and that 1 Empire The fight of the ing was over the question whence the three- has since then been subjected to the consolidation by amputation of quarters of a million of Government advances to meet the distress the Treaty of Berlin.

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Fesruary 28, 1880. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 87 mn” i Te na eee te T i \\t shes | i Ih Wt | j" r iui Awnti afl wh TAN AML al i i " P Di: | | a aj S89 | ihytl 4 fy 4 | PE GL aN, OUR SD tg Tetons ive | | . OUR FOREIGN CRITICS! (A Sketch near Leicester Square.) Lrrt_e Bret CRACHE-EN-L’AIR, WHO BOASTS THAT BE Is “‘TRE3 R&PANDU DANS LE MonpE” (AND WHY NOT, INDEED!), PROMISES HIs Frienps, ’Sipore Suce-Rocomme anp ’PoLYTE-LE-P£rRoLEuR, THAT AS BOON AS HE 18 PERMITTED TO REGAIN HIS NATIVE HaUNTs ACROSS THE CHANNEL, HE WILL PUBLISH SUCH AN AOOOUNT OF THE MANNERS AND Customs oF ‘‘Eno.isu Socrery”’ Hies anp Low, As WILL AVENGE THEM ALL TaREE FOR THE TeDIUM OF THEIR Envorcep Resipence AMONG vs. He WILL NOT EVEN SPARE OUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS, THE UNGRATEFUL Doo, IN SPITE OF THE COUNTLESS PAssIONS HE I8 SAID TO HAVE INSPIRED : BUT MEANS TO PaINT THEM THE FRIGHTS THEY REALLY ARE! AND WON'T HE BE DOWN ON OUR LITERATURE AND OUR ART, THAT’s ALL! Os, Brat, THou Serpent! Is IT FOR THIS THAT WE HAVE WARMED THEE IN OUR Bosom FoR THE LAST Ten YEARS! Lord Granvitte thinks that Lord Gzorex Hamrtton’s out- spoken admission that the Treaty is dead and buried had better be accepted by the Government, and put on record. But Lord BEACONSFIELD prefers keeping the Treaty in a state of suspended animation—like a ‘‘ Peerage in abeyance,” he says. He forgets that a peerage in abeyance once revived, revives with all its honours ; but how about the Ottoman Empire? Can it ever be resuscitated, with all the territories and suzerainties of 1856? Hardly. What tae can be done by keeping the Tripartite Treaty in our Coder tplomaticus Punch can’t see, for the life of him. Better start fair, or unfair, with the Treaty of Berlin. That, at least, is the latest fait accompli: and the sooner all parties and powers take their i, ~ on it he EACONSFIELD objects to pronounce the Tripartite Treat dead : but points out, that if this country were appealed to by the coc of the Treaty to act under it—about as likely as that we be asked to act under gt yA Utrecht—we should have to consider two things in the Empire which is the object of the Treaty ; and, secondly, the wine of facts with which Her Majesty’s Government has to deal.” rare Lord Beaconsrietp! Magister Verborum, if ever there was ~ f « « of words so solemn, so full of sound, so empty of all e8 25 ty ye or y ts have wi wn. docs Fumeh. What he does net is how they ever came Mr. Harpcastxe continues his solicitous inquiries about the sani- appliances and fitness for habitation (by Midlothian Liberal voters) of the Liberal flats lately run up near Edinburgh. The Lord Advocate comforted him. These flats will not qualify tenants, but proprietors. Let us comfort Mr. Hanpcastix further. The Conservatives have been working up faggot-flats as well as the Liberals. The Zimes’ Edinburgh Correspondent reports :-— “ The Conservatives also have been active at Dalry Road. At Tynecastle, in that district, there are upwards of thirty ‘ flats,’ each transferred to a separate owner, and giving, or intending to give, a separate vote. In tene- ments at Meadowbank, Jock's Lodge, a short way east of Holyrood, there are fifty-three ‘ flats’ sold to the same number of proprietors, each of whom claims the electoral qualification.” Let us hope Conservative flats are healthier than Liberal. At least, Mr. HarpcastLe does not seem to be troubled about them, ing his anxiety, like the truly noble nature he is, for his "ieee Caren One of tempests in a slop-basin in which the House delights to dabble. Mr. Pim«soit, the impetuous and irrepressible, dis- gusted by Sir Cuantes Kusset’s temporary stoppage of his Bill for com the safe stowage of grain cargoes, has posted the Honour- able Member for Westminster over his own borough, ing him with the responsibility for the loss next winter of hundreds of precious lives, and hundreds of thousands of pounds’ worth of pro- perty. This is, no doubt, technically a breach of privilege; but ideri Press deals round its Parliamentary s=p-zh ep one awkward persons of w Bew Jonson calls ‘a lunatic zeal and conscience,” whose hearts are so entirely in their object, that they are prone to think all who come 2 3 P it 6

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PUNCH, OR THE Tom iW / “THE UNSEEN WORLD.” Scientific Gent (with his hair on end). ‘‘ Ve’¥ sTRANGE! Swear—I uxeak Foo’steErs—FOLLOWINMEDOWNSTAIRS [ Bolts into his bedroom, locks the door, and writes to the ‘‘ Atheneum” next day / LONDON CHARIVARI. Bor I covitp ALMosT '” [Fesrvary 28, 1880. | | IMPERIUM ET LIBERTAS! | Emprre and Liberty! Two pregnant names, That mark the hardest crux of history’s course ; | For how to reconcile the rival claims Of private freedom and state-ordering force,— The energy that stirs, the law that tames The spring of Progress, Change’s troubled source,— To leave thoughts free, yet wills to muzzle,— This is the thinker’s plague, the statesman’s puzzle. Freedom i , and good is teous rule, yey epectral shame the forms that ape m Monarchs betray, ultitudes befool ; Blind Licence, masked in Liberty’s fair shape, And Tyranny, with ruthless scourge for tool, That abject dread doth in the purple drape, And cowers in mockery of Right Divine, Over the deep-laid death of Treason’s mine. How sham breeds sham! Here, Empire based on wrong ; There, desperate Licence that makes mock of right : Absolute rule, which looks so proud and strong, Seen close, is found a prey to wild affright ; And the masked spirit that sang freedom’s song, PO an — in Liberty's fair > spd light, ows a foul demon, impotent In treachery steeped, and red with guiltless blood. Empire and Liberty! Let satire halt In her harsh task of baring hidden truth, At thought of Murder in her seoret vault— Plotter of wholesale slaughter, void of ruth! Blind and blood-thirsty fury is the fault Of Revolution in its red raw youth, But, to devise swift death, in darkness screened, Asks compound of the coward and the fiend. Poor Empire! Shaken in its chamber lone By every shadow on its guarded walls! Poor Liberty ! whose face here shows as one So foul her firmest friends it most appals! What hope of reconciliation? None Till from the pair of close-linked shams there falls The robe that covers Tyranny’s old lie, The mask that hides thy blindness, Anarchy ! OsstrucTionist Emstem.—More Sham than Shamrock. between them and it not only wilful but wicked—the House ad- journed the debate, and passed to Mr. Metpon’s Motion for assi- milating Irish borongh-franchise to English. Considering it was | an Irish subject, this led to a not intemperate debate. Of the| Irish Members, Messrs. MeLpon, Garay (who said it was the sixth | | time the Motion had been before the House, and the fourth time} he had seconded it), O’SaHavennessy, Justin McCarray, Brooxs, Dickson, and BLENNERHASSET, spoke for the Motion; Mr. C. Lewis bitterly and unvompromisingly against it, denouncing the Motion as an attempt to play into the hands of agitators and demagogues, by enfranchising a purely Roman Catholic population, intensely dis- affected and disloyal, in fact an ignorant and miserable residuum. Mr. Lewis spiced his diatribe by quotations from one of the National Ballads calling for sympathy with the Zulus, and ended, with Irish inconsequence, by a very good summary of the needs of Ireland, which /unch and all his readers will endorse :— “ What Ireland wanted was peace from agitation, contentment for the | people, an orderly disposition to obey the law, encouragement for capital to | settle in the country, and for landlords to reside there. Ireland wanted a} tonic for the severe, but not incurabie disease of the body politic; but the last thing wanted in the present crisis was an instrument such as the resolu- tion proposed to place in the hands of reckless agitators to the imjury of the best interests of the State.” Uniuckily, the wants of Ireland are precisel barred by the class and creed-hatreds of which Mr. C. Lewis is the organ. Mr. Lewrs was cheered by the Secretary for IneLawp, who was thus unwise enough to make himself the echo of the sharp and seornful sectarianism of the Member for Derry. Sir W. Harcourt and Mr. Brient put the Liberal English view of the case in favour of assimilating the borough franchise of the sister-countries—a change as certain in the future as the rising of to-morrow’s sun. The division of 188 for, to 249 against the Motion, marks the wide support given to the Irish demand by the Liberals of England. The Seed Potatves Bill, an important legislative contribution to the relief of Lrish distress, was forwarded, m the teeth of a protest those which are from the Major against the use of guano—‘‘ The Almighty had already granted them in Ireland plenty of means of manuring the land.” Sure, isn’t muck dirt-cheap in that illigant island ? Wednesday (Commons.) — House sat late (half-past one), and rose early (five minutes before four). In that time it received Her Majesty’s Reply to the Address, and referred to a Select Com- mittee Mr. Marrrn’s useful little Bill—more important, perhaps, than many more showy measures—for enabling Courts Equity to relax oppressive covenants in leases. The Lawyers generally supported the Bill. Alderman Corron it for the Corpora- tion, as it had not had time to consider the measure, and weigh its action on Corporate interests. Mr. Monpexra got his Bill for Abolishin ae, a for Municipal Offices read a Second Time. Now that M. P.’s may sit without property qualification, why should not Aldermen and Common Councillors? He also got a Second Reading for his Bill to define ‘‘Suburban Commons,” and so enlarge Town-lungs. A ough brief and unpretending Wednesday afternoon’s spell. Works as usual, in inverse ratio with talk. Thursday.— Lords and Commons joined in expressions of horror at the diabolical blow-up in St. Peters , Mr. Grant Durr a rise out of Mr. Stawnop® 2 propos of a t ne for sending Britteh troops from India to Armenia, drawn up by ieutenant-Colonel Macerreor before the Constantinople er- ence, and published in the Statesman. Mr. Grant Durr wanted to know if any Russ measure more hostile to us than this to Russia had been revealed in the Cabul Cy ee king in The Day-Dream, “ smiling Sir Srarrorp, like the old put the question by.” R se on Irish lay — Mr. Suaw — defeated b 109 to 89, in a very practical amendment authori gnardians earry out local improvements by loans, as Lancashire local authorities were empowered to do during the Cotton famine. it is much to be regretted, Punch cannot but think, that the minority of twenty was not a majority as numerous, House at work on the Bill till nearly three o'clock, defeating

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Fesrvary 28, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARL 98

Mr. Saaw’s attempts to lengthen terms for repayment of Guardians’ Loans from ten years to thirty, and to reduce their rate of interest to One per cent. Mr. SHaw is doing, or striving to do, good work on the Bill, and the Home-Rulers ought to be proud of theirruler. In PARNELL’s absence even BieeaR has become strangely unobstructive. Friday. — A wasted night in both Houses. In the Lords the Duke of ARGYLL re-served up again the stale dish of the Afghan licy of the Government. Cut up and peppered by the Macatum | y g ORE, it was sensibly and calmly jud by Lord Norrasroox keenly criticised by d,GRANVILLE, defiantly justified by Lo CranBrooxk, stoutly maintained by Lord Carkns, and uncompro- misingly reasserted by Lord BeaconsrreLp ; but for whose informa- | O tion, Punch begs to ask, and cui bono ? There is not a new fact to be thrashed out of all the bushel of Blue- Book chaff, or a new light to be thrown upon the subject out of all the lucubrations which the Blue- Books have given birth to—especially now that the Government declines to let the alleged Cabel Russ | Correspondence Cat out of the bag. The public that has any mind to make up has made it up by this time. It remains for the Country to proclaim its view at the General Election. Till then, Pocas palabras ! be Punch’s motto and Parliament’s! In the Commons, after Mr. Pirmsoit had apologised to Sir Cuartes Rosset, and Mr. Onstow handsomely and whole- heartedly, as he had offended, the House, instead of taking Lord Hartixeton’s, Sir Wrtt1aM Harcovrt’s, and Mr. Briont’s sensible advice, and ping the matter, went on to pass a Motion of |ageinet th Moench of rile ny; ire smn Boe xy e ri very necessary |e Onetrastion cheek teen tobe condioved, cad hence the bstructionists in their mancuvres to keep the House out of Sir Starrorp Nortrucore promises to take this — subject out of Mr. Newprcate’s mouth. He has hitherto | mere cnpecity Se than ing it. It remains to be seen if the House which is so ready to pass a perfectly superfluous motion | about Privilege, cannotraise some sore-needed protection against deliberate obstruction of public business.

HINTS FOR A NEW AND ORIGINAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. Cuarrer VIII, Lecture by @ Distinguished Professor on Several interesting and important connected with Dramatic Art, to be delivered at the I —Further suggestions for Curtain College— Scheme for Lecture-goes— Announcements. Proresson J. H. Tootr’s Lecture at the Ideal Dramatic College in his Class Room, before a numerous assembly of deeply -interested young Students, all aspirants for Histrionic Fame. The Eminent Lecturer appears from behind a screen gradually, and then steps forward, and bows. Great reception. Ladies and Gentlemen—(/aughter)—you')l ’scuse the remark—I mean Gentlemen, or, as the immortal Poet, you know, says, ** Friends, Romans, country- men!” you know: though 1 ’d rather address you, Gen and Students, than any number of ‘‘ coun- trymen.” Never could make ' out why that word was used! What did he do it for? ’cept to make up the Poet’s line. Of course, ney know, @ man must do what’s in his line, you know; and that és in the Poet’s line, you know ; and if you don’t know, I ’t help you, can I? ell, there it is, you see— (meditates)—and sometimes there it isn’t, you see. Look here, you know—as this isn’t what I’m _ here to leeture another time. (‘* Hear / Hear!”) Thank you, Gen- tlemen ; that’s very kind of you ! I like te hear you say, ‘Hear! Hear!” because then I know you’re all ‘** there — there!” “All there,” Gentlemen, do you see? Joke! (Appiause, The Lecturer eads three fingers before his face, shuts his eyes, as if to recall his thoughts to the subject, then hitches up his academical gown on his right shoulder, and proceeds.) Look here, now—(plaintively)—this won’t do, you know. We must be serious. The thing is this:—No piece ought

ever to be brought out unless by a first-rate Company, you know. | G You wouldn’t go into any gn, you know, unless it were t out by a first-rate Company, would you now? You know what I mean? Well, there it is, Phe Ree. en why should you expec’ Sqr et pty 0 -rate Company? Look here. ( , to attract the attention of the class.) 1 say, do attend to me, you know ; ’cos I’m talking to you all this while (plaintively), and “I’ve only got a our” for my Lecture—(applause)—and you’ be sorry when I’m gone, ’cos you won’t get such a chance in of hearing something to your advantage (shouting) about the Bard— (louder)—SuaxsPeake’s the Bard—and you can’t be going very far wrong (pitching his voice rapidly higher and higher), even if you’re always ‘‘ going to the Bard.” (Applause. The Lecturer spreads three fingers before his mouth, hitches up his gown over his shoulders, gives a sort of a *‘ cat-call” whistle, and resumes.) Gentlemen, I’ve about, we'll talk about it | come here to talk to you like a father; so keep your eye on your father, and nase | his voice) your father will pull you through! (Great applause.) Ahem! Every character in a piece ought to be paseey layed. The very best people should be got, at the very ighest you know, regardless of expense. (Whistles) It’s no sort of use having a piece with only one Eminent Actor in it. That’s the Star system. I hope it’s Falling Star system. J eall it the Planet system—the Planet in the middle, with a lot of little moons round it. But, as another Bard says— “The Planet will be h The moons show Nek reheated Tent.” Wi then (rapidly raising his voice), what’s the of the uaa I’m not much of an astronomer myself, Pe Pe these moons “satty-lites.” It doesn’t much matter whether ’re satty-lites or city-lights, they’re nothing better than CnILp’s Night Lights round a -grown Electric light. (‘‘Hear! hear /”’) What's the use of a star in Macbeth if you're to havea er in Macduff? (Applause.) There. I thought you’d agree with me. ‘ou to k your eye on a Lecturer, and your Lecturer would pull you through. Who’ to see the best Hamlet in the world supported by entire feeb of the company. I’d as soon go to see the rillage hamiet, only I wouldn’t say that to every- one, you know—at least— (¢ tally) —not before the boy. (Appi .) Thank you. We'll go on to another subject. ‘‘Allong dong,’’ as the French ‘ac ion parle ais, which means it’s — Es = “<4 Lei Sra easy to 8 French. Oh! oh!” lao blushes behind a large white glove.) ’Seuse my “* Yes, yes,” re the Stu- dents.) Thank you. Now, what’s the next article? ’Cos I’ve ra oy a our for my lecture. Oh! of course. (Consults his notes.) On the necessity of novelty. Certainly. Gentlemen, I strongly advise you against going on with the same old game. I mean the same old piece from year to year, you know. It won’t do, you know—(in a tone of plaintive remonstrance)—this sort o’ thing won't do!—and so what I say toa Manager is, the sooner you drop it the better. Some people say, as long as the public chooses to pay to see | the same old piece, why take it out of the bills? Gentlemen, this is | sordid, you know. Don’t let’s be sordid. Don’t let’s be mean. ** Business first, Art arterards”’ isn’t the rule an Actor should go by, you know. (Shaking his head slowly.) That sort o’ thing won't do, you know. (Plaintively.) It won’t do. (Great applause.) Keep your eye on your Art, and your Art will pull you 9 om (Im a . Lecturer whistles to recover himself, then resumes.) entlemen, an Actor should never be a emer, or if by accident

he has become a Manager, then it should be for Art, not for dross. (Vehement applause.) 1 think that worthy of the Bard. oe oe hoss, Than sacrifice my Art for dross. You can give that to the Bard, if you like; bat—(pating three Singers of the white Berlin-wool glove modestly before his face)—it’s my own. (Cheers.) “A but mine own.” The Bard entlemen—the genuine akes off his hat respect uly. Gentlemen, rah y feeli of fiat Actor who, makin oe first entrance as Sh or Wolsey, or King Richard the Third casts his oye round the suditeriuen, amd is obliged to cay to himself before he utters a wordof the Bard, ‘‘ What an infernally bad house! !” And as to advertisements, or notices in the or about himself in the daily journals, I’d 1, there now—a true Artist would rather unseen, you know, than go in for the vulgar puffing tricks of a quack doctor. (Great applause.) Gentle- men, Art is Art. Be it never so artful, there’s nothing like Art! (Checrp-) Let the Actor “take,” but don’t let him take a theatre. him not take a theatre, Gentlemen, but take the publie—not a public—though every Artist has his particular publie—not to which

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94 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesrvary 28, 1880. ! A) 4 HH . A t Vii} ' Lili ih a | | \ ' f / ““A PREDESTINATE R.A.” Mamma (entering). *‘ Now, I’m sure you CaILpREN ARE IN MISCHIEF, YOU ARE 60 QUIET!” Ethel (in a rapturous Whisper). *‘ Husn, Ma’! ASLEEP, TO KEXP THE Figs or¥r!” Tommy’s BEEN Paintin’ A Sprpgn’s Wes on Gran’pa’s HEAD WHILE HE’s he goes, but which comes to him. Play on the word “ public,” you’ll observe. Gentlemen, did you hear me say ‘“‘ play on the word ‘public’ ?” (Whistles to attract their attention.) Now, then, what’s the next article? Oh, “‘ gagging.” Gentlemen, I say, emphatically—if you ’ll just keep your eye on me for two minutes, or both your eyes on me for four minutes, I’ll say it still more emphatically—that no Actor—now keep your eye on your Lecturer —no Actor—look here, you’re listening, I hope——(‘‘ Yes, yes /” Srom Students)—thank you; I thought you were asleep. Well— where was I? Oh! Look here, this won’t do, you know, ’cos I’ve only got a’our for my lecture, and, as I was observing, no Actor should take any liberty with the Author’s text, except by the Author’s express permission. (Cheering.) Thank you. Ahem! (Lecturer coughs, and puts his white — “e) ’Scuse my glove. A gagger should be gagged. Play on word * gag,”’ youll observe. (Sumpers.) See it? (‘* Hear ! hear!”) Thank you. A gagger is a gaggeravatin person. Ahem! (Simpers behind white glove.) Play on the word “ gagger.” (Applause.) Thank you. I won't detain you any longer. Gentlemen, as the Bard says or sings—I ’Il sing 1t— (Sings) For modesty ’s iat the poor and the rich, aggity-a—( Whistles refrain), And if you will gag, you vill suffer as sich, Waggity-a, Waggity-e. (Whistles refrain, bows, and exit behind screen ; reappears, looki: over the top of screen, regards the Students through his eye-giaas Gentlemen, — Nog | eye on your Lecturer, and your Lecturer wi pull 5 through. ——_, = Srom screen. Reappearing at side- door.) ’Seuse my glove. (Waves it.) I’ve only got a ’our to catch my train in. -bye. O reservoir ! [Exit Lecturer. MOTTOES FROM MIDLOTHIAN, To make sure of a Voter (7 tie yourself to a F t ; (Liberal), secure a Flat! (tn, — A NEW MEDAL FOR THE CHOCOLAT-MENIER. M. Menten has been speaking excellent sense—not always easy to oe hearing for in France—on the subject of Free Trade. He said : ** As a manufacturer and an agriculturist, his interests might be supposed to be Protectionist, but he advocated the interests of the consumer. The restriction of consumption caused by Customs tariffs resulted in injury to the roducer. Protection was only a form of Communism. If anything was to done for the workman it was by making ports, canals, and railways, and lowering postal and telegraphic charges.” Considering that M. Menter’s Chocolat is an article of world-wide consumption, it would seem an obvious inference that the more con- sumers the better for M. Menrer. M. Menrer, at least, has the common sense to see this, and the courage tosay it. Yet it is just as true for all other industrial producers. Punch will feel his Chocolat-Menier the sweeter whenever he remembers this sensible speech of its energetic and intelligent fabri- cant. If the Menier confection be as w me as the Menier doctrine, what higher praise can be given it ? Good Reason Why. Ly the Common Council discussion over Councillor Isaac’s motion for an address of sympathy to the Czak on his recent escape assassination, Mr. LusHEeR gave one very potent reason why the Common Council should uplift its voice—*‘ that the Czar was a Citizen of London.” Poor Czan! In his present mood how regret- - he must contrast the Freedom of the City with the slavery of e Empire! Two Christenings. (After the Southwark Election.) Opposition. What we call the Tories—The Publican Party. Government. What we call the Liberals—The Republican Party.

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Fesrvary 28, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 95 AN ASSAULT OF ARMS Between GENERAL Sworp AND Caprain Pen—(A propos oF THE ZULU CAMPAIGN). FROM OUR WESTMINSTER SCHOOL-BOY. (Horace, Odes, ILI. 3.) Jusrum et tenacem siti virum The independent Member below the gangway Non civium ardor prava jubentium, Despises the machinations of Liberal caucuses, Non vultus instantis tyranni, Fears not the frown of the Cabinet Minister, Mente tit solida, neque Auster Nor feels in the least ed by Duz inquieti turbidus Hadria, The excited leaders of the Home-Rule party, Yee fulminantis magna Jovis manus ; Nor the violent gesticulations of the hero of Midlothian. Si fractus illabatur orbis, Even if there be a dissolution, Impavidum ferient ruine. He will fearlessly face his constituents ! “FOR THIS RELIEF MUCH THANKS!” Punca tulates Lord Epmunp Fitzmavnice—who has a hereditary right to clear sight, sound sense, and wise moderation in matters political — for his well-weighed and temperate speech at Calne on the political situation of the Government at home and abroad. In these days of oratorical mud-flinging and vitriol- throwing, when violent abuse and rampant denunciation are used so freely to the grievous o sense, and the blotting out of all = and steerin lights, this calm Calne compendium of pros and cons, in the red-hot regions of Turkey, Zulu-land, and Afghanistan, is not only refresh- ing in itself, but comf , from the hope it holds out that tornado-time is passing away from the atmosphere of public affairs, and ‘‘cool weather” coming in at Qurry.—The connection between Lent Lectures and Bought Sermons ? ——>-—

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CHARIVARLI. [Fenrvsry 28, 1880,

| | \" i i ‘wil <4 ~ hi. \" Wn, HI RW:

SUB ROSA. How the Oaptain gets his Clothes to Sit so nicely. “Wet, Juvks, WHAT Is 17?” **Your new Morning Suir, Sie. LAST ForTNicat.”’ ‘*ALL RIGHT, Jinks! I’vE WORN IT EVERY EVENING FOR THE Just pot on My Bivug Frock Coat AND THE CHECK | SPEECHES TO BE FOUGHT SHY OF. Art the dinner of the Associated Chambers of Com- meree, in reply to the toast of “‘ Success to our Foreign and Commercial Relations with Foreign Countries, and our Colonies!” the Japanese Ambassador spoke with ex- cellent sense and taste. Perhaps the most interesting statement in His Excellency’s oration was the announce- ment with which it was brought to a conclusion. The Minister, in a deprecatory allusion to his own words as a ‘first attempt,” dec that as yet, ‘‘ Speech-making had not been introduced into Japan.” As no doubt the Ambassador will do his best to supply this omission in the institutions of Japan, it would be as well to warn him against certain kinds of speech-making much in voyue in this country ; as, for instance,— The speech made by an Obstructionist in the House of Commons, in which sense, loyalty, patriotism, and gram- ificed to violence, the rubbing up of old a t appeals to national antipathies and treds. The speech made by Friend 6f the Family at a wedding, in which the early and rather unpleasant ante- cedents of the father of the Bride are apologetically touched upon before an audience of unsympathising uaintances. "The speech made by the Noble Chairman at a Charity dinner, when his Lordship is certain of neither facts nor figures, and is equally in the dark about the genuine claims of the Institution he is talking about, and its real working. The tmpromptu speeches made after the most careful preparation by Gentlemen unaccustomed to public speaking. The speech of the Warrior who returns thanks for the Army, or Navy, long, rambling, ill-delivered, and replete with incomprehensible technicalities, when —T- body is impatiently waiting for the crack orator and the toast of the evening. The speech made by the irate Cabman on receipt of his strictly legal fare from a Lady. The speech made by the Wife whose Husband, by a slight error of judgment, has returned home at 4°30 a.m. instead of 10°15 p.m. And, lastly, any speech delivered by anybody which prevents Mr, Punch enjoying his after-dinner cigar.

The Earl and the Doctor, Ir Dr, Farr past seventy be, And not in health too strong— What is the case with my Lord B ?— And yet he does no wrong In ruling, not the Registry, But the Realm, broad and long!

Trovsers vor A CourLe or Hovrs. I sHALL WANT THEM AFTER LuNcH. AND| THEN YOU CAN GET YOURSELF INTO M¥ Dress Toos—I’m Gornc ovt To Dinge| Puwnen’s Apvice to Jonnw CuryamMan (and his British at E:car.” “7a” , Customers).— Honest Tea is the best policy.

ONE WAY OF DOING IT. Art last we have evidence of a long-disputed possibility—a man | may get himself hanged for illing his wife. Kicking her to death with clogged feet, beating her to death with fists, slow starvation, | | systematic cruelty administered in infinitesimal doses till death | results—any or all of these won’t do it. But knifing her may be| dangerous; and burning her to death in her sleep, by setting her | blankets on fire after saturating them with paraffin, is, as Punch is at present advised, the one way of getting rid of a wile which ensures | for the poor husband who did it the hard penalty of the gallows. Witness the execution of Mrcnart Cassipy in Manchester Gaol on the 17th inst. Perhaps if Mronart Cassrpy’s new and very complete mode of uxoricide becomes more common, it may be felt that the gal- lows is too severe a punishment for it, and the same leniency will have to be extended to wife-burning which is already meted to other more familiar forms of that very yenial species of the genus homicide, known as wife-killing.

**O si sic Omnes!” Puncu congratulates Mr. Jonw Cox on his brief but brilliant speech at the Common Council meeting, on the foul attempt at assassination of the Czar. ‘‘The Council,” said Mr. Cox, “ had better mind its own business.”” Uncommon counsel, perhaps, to the

Common Council, but not the less to the point. A Millennium in Italy. Krve Humeert, in his speech from the Throne, invited the Italian Parliament to commence the gradual abolition of the Grist Tax. The Legislature will thus liberate the flour of Italy from a grinding impost. If we could tax one form of Italian grist—that ground out by the organ-grinder—it would be a blessing, and the more heavily the better !

AN EXPLANATION. Puwncu need hardly say that the article in his last week’s number headed, ‘‘ A Real Page from an Autocrat’s Diary,” thang it appeared on the same day on which the tidings of the Winter Palace explosion reached London, was written and in type many weeks before. It was intended as a “‘reductio ad absurdum” of the ne per reports of the ubiquity and variety of the attempts on the Czak’s life, and the precautions taken against them, not without a shadowing forth of the ghastly reality of Sunper behind these reports and the sources of that danger. Such a subject would certainly not have been chosen in the presence of the recent murderous attempt at the Winter Palace, and under the sense of its actual and possible consequences. When Punch deals with such subjects, it is in a serious spirit, as in his Cartoon of this week—showing cowering Terror in garb of Imperial Power above, with the more hideous mockery of Liberty, in the form of blind and murderous Licence, below.

@@ To Comzusrowpuwts.— The Bditor does not hold hi:nsel/ bound to ac knowledge, return, stamped and directed envelope af tae In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by a should be kept.

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Marcu 6, 1880,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 97

ie FL ae / {Lm = GL KAUN Yt || mays A FACT FOR NATURALISTS. Young Housewife. “‘Dean me! WHAT VERY sMALL Ecos ron TWoOPENOE-

HALFPENNY EACH! Ir sEEMs QUITE EXTRAVAGANT TO TAKE THEM!”’ Affable Dairy- Woman (whe has always a conclusive reply for complatnis). ‘“Weit, ves, M’m, so 1r pozs, Bur I’ve aLways woTicCED THAT NEW-LAID EeGs ARE 8MALL!” “AS YOU LIKE IT,” AS WE LIKE IT. Wits the Merchant of Venice still on the crest of the full tide of success at Macbeth in occupation of the boards of Sadler’s Wells, with Othello and Hamlet to follow, and now—last and not least—As You Imperial, who shall say that the immortal Wiiu14m is not holding his own on the London Boards ? For tragedy at Islington Mr. Punch regrets he has not yet found a night. But with the Royal Merchant, the heavily-handicapped Jew, and the fair and witty Lady of Belmont, he has long been at home in the Lyceum; and for As You Like It in Westminster he has been happy enough to find two already, and hopes to find more. SHAKsPEARr’s romantic comedies, the exquisite story of Rosalind in Arden holds as prominent a place as that of the Prince of Denmark among his t breath of young life, and the i he shine and shadow and wholesome rimitive labours and lowly passions of shepherd and shepherdess; the woodland sport, seasoned with the quiet and sweet philosophy of the Bantished ques’s world-weariness under the mark of i nical and effete Epicureaniem, are all harmon pietures, to which the tinkle of the sheep-bells, the song end horn of the hunters, and the jingle of Touchstone’s motley, make a delightful music. In what part ; strength and lustihood, swift love and high-born youth, spring to life before us, as in Orlando

hy, and his Stoic Where shall we find courage, and buoyancy with gtace of opening womanhood, embodied with sueh as in Rosalind? ‘“Vho* foolin What dignity in exie is statelier and wiser than the J. veriind a moreimpoding voesba play Ps glad 1 than Touchstone’ s? ‘9? When did philo- ary than in the m cael Sdai'es oat tet te cme was ever subtier and sh piece ig’ xt once lessly as they did in the golden world!

All very well this, the reader may say, @ propos of the play when presented before the mind's eye, with Fanoy to cast the parts, and Imagination to set the scenes. But how reconcile this ong 4 with the play as pre- sented on the Imperial boards, with Miss Lrrrow to super- intend the action, and Mr. Perxrns to paint the scenery ? Well, really, Mfr. Punch did not think he could have seen the play with so little sense of jar between his fancy and the set before him as he did at the Imperial last Wi ay. The beautiful Comedy is beautifully put on the stage, and as well acted as we can have any hove of seeing it acted in London. failing a theatrical realisation of Adiena’s notion, that ‘‘ Mountains may be removed with earthquakes, 90 encounter.” Meantime, PwneA reoommends all who want to see As You Like It, as he likes it, and as he vent to say, they ought to like it, to take their places at the ial, It fd an and they can a get their plea- sure ever before dinner, so that it n not involve their carrying an ill-digested meal to their stalls— however suited to a fattened ox, eminently unfit ra well-dined man. on , Punch a respect ¢ orities, and of course he likes, 2 oolble. to steer his judgment by their com- geome: though this is by no means easy when they point ifferent ways; when, in fact, you have not only to box the compass, but to consult compasses that box each other. One critic tells him that the play is too sumptuously attired and mounted, that the dresses of the foresters in particular are too gay and bright. Now it seemed to him that while the Court of the usurpiog Duke was very ly furnished in regard of courtiers and ladies, as well as terraces and gardens, the Court of his banished brother in Arden was appropriately arrayed in of hodden grey, een < brown, and Kendal say Boothe green, leather jerkins, and rough leggings —very fitting fur hunters’ garb, and not a bit too fine for their place and purpose. He has certainly, never seen a Rosalind so appropriately, modestly, and tastefully attired, and so much at home in her doublet and huse; never an Orlando better dressed, as well as of more youthful figure, bearing, and movement; never a “ee prettily costumed transformation of Celia into The complaint of over-splendour of attire, or over-elabo- ration of scenic setting, is the last he would have expected in these days of sumptuous realism in furniture, dresses. and decorations in such high places as the Haymarket and the St. James’s. On the contrary, the costumes, artisti- cally desi by Mr. Fonses-Ropertson, and the scenery, excellen a and beautifully painted by Mr. Pen- KIns, seemed to Punch to satisfy, but not more than fairly satisfy, the exigences of our time in the presentation of a play of SHaxspeaur’s. There was certainly no more dis- play in the Imperial 4s Fou Like It than in the Lyceum Merchant of Venice, and, above all, there was ho undue i — the cast or the performance to the stage-show. For the play was very well acted all round; exceptionally well acted, as times and companies go. You had first and foremost an cosinenty cutiethoters pair of lovers in Miss Lrrron’s Rosalind and Mr. Betixw Orlandv. The former has never till now, to Punch’s knowledge, played a Shakspearian part. But as Rusalind she rev arare power of intelligent, consistent, and well matured conception, gracefully, spiritedly, and thoroughly worked out, The crities tell me her acting lacked tenderness. I should be glad to know where Rosalind is to show it, except im her asides to Celia; and in Miss Lrrron's per- formance I did not see any want of feeling in these rare revelations of Hosulind’s more loving self, after she has donned doublet and hose. She tells Ce/éa, before her first Streets witea bie Tas to him like a uey.: er it play knave with him,” —— ay 1s precisely what Miss Litrow did, thereby honoweably, as it seems to Punch, distin- guishing herself trom the other Kusatinds he remembers, who, all of hem, let too much of the woman show under iene thereby ri» the purity of the part, whieh on the a of sex-conscious- ness with which gives herself to the full flow vu: “fle Yb tte cb theavtites plain that Mr. B eom pla at Mr. Betuew lacked tenderness. I can only say that I did not see him pass by any opportunity of showing it that SHaKsPEARE

a

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98 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manon 6, 1880, > ? a7 ” : A 4 / a My Yes 04 TRYING A FRESH “LOT.” Dealer (to Jim, his Head Man). ‘‘ Now, THEN, WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT Hoss?” Jim, “‘ LORD ONLY KNOWS TO A FiEeLD orn Two, Srr.’’ has indicated in his part. I should applaud, not blame, him for the absence of tenderness in his voice, look, and manner, with Rosalind | in her boy’s clothes. A different — would have been indelicate. | The banter between the two young lovers, as presented at the Imperial, loses all suggestion of offence by their sprightliness and | animal spirits. I noted no lack of feeling in Mr. BELLew’s manner in the First Act, nor of manly tenderness in his demeanour to old Adam, which was in refreshing contrast all through with the wooden-heartedness of most Orlandus of Punch’s acquaintance. The Jaques was not-unworthy of these two leading figures of the | play, but it is a mistake to put him before them. It is true that the | part of Jaques is far subtler, far harder to hit the key-note of | than either Rosalind or Orlando, for whom youth, grace, and | spirits will do so much. There are many ways of conceiving | the character. In Punch’s a of him he is no Stoic, but a cynical superiority to the world | | blasé Epicurean; his attitude o | is mainly affectation, and his philosophy, while putting on all the | airs of profoundness, little more than skin-deep. Everybody sees | through him. | According to this view, Mr. Herman Vezin, beautifully as he | declaimed the famous ‘‘ Seven Ages,’’ did it with too sincere and | deep-seated a gravity. The speech is, to our notion, a light prolu- | sion of Jaques’s, not a philosophical summary; in it, as in all he does and says, he is my gd self-conscious. In fact Punch | still waits for his Jaques, till Mr. Invine puts on his mask. In | the meantime he is glad te bear witness to the admirable delivery of the famous soliloquy, and ail the other speeches of the part, from | Mr. Vgzrn’s own saturnine conveytion of the character, which is a very maintainable one, and perhaps the most effective in acting. unch noted with pleasure that the speech of the First Lord | describing Jaques’s moralising over the Woanded deer. was given | P back to its peepee speaker, instead of being put into Juques’s own mouth, as has long n dl 4 acquiescence in an arrangement that = have 7 nat tas by some stage necessity. trange to say, thes is still thus spoken in many t It was so eo by Mr. Cuanurs Haxcovarr at the Hayiwarket when US pases was last reviv ere. p j A young Actor, Mr. SrerHENs, spoke the difficult speech with excellent discretion, though too nervous to be quite master of his measure. Mr. Broven’s Touchstone was safe to be funny, but not to be so refreshingly free, as it is, from extravagance or vulgarity. It was droll and quaint, without any overcharging. Mr. W. Farren’s Adam was dignified and pathetic, though hardly homely or robust enough, perhaps. There seemed too little of the healthy red of a “‘ kindly winter” upon his cheek, or of the boarded strength of frugal years in his Soosing. Still, the imper- sonation was complete from its own point of view, and in no way out of keeping with the rest of the cast. As much may be said of the Celia of Miss CaesswELL, which was essentially graceful and sweet, if a little wanting in presence and weight of elocution—which will, doubtless, come. Mr. Evert gave the fine lines of the Banished Duke with the right feeling both of their music and their meaning. Miss Sttrvra Hopson’s Audrey in dress, look, and bearing, was the right uncouth, and unkempt, but comely, Shepherdess, who might have followed her flock and milked her kine in Arden. The minor parts of William by Mr. Bannister, Silvius and Phebe by Mr. Trevor and Miss Braunton, and Corin by Mr. Buncu, were, the first exceptionally well, the rest adequately filled. The songs of Amiens were effectively sung, with a good manly voice and good execution, by Mr. Coventry. Mr. CHARLEs was an animated Le Beau, and marked the meaning sf his part ‘ow ae. Apsanees cums Com oon pear, first, a duly malignant, an rwa a y penitent, Oliver. Mr. Bannan, Conductor of the Orchestra and the Chorus, did justice to the well-selected music. The scenery of the Duke’s alace with its stately terraced garden, and the two Forest Glades, one with the old carlot’s cote, were beautiful examples of scenic art and arrangement; and the painter, Mr. Pexxrys suey. Seaseved the call which summoned him and his chimney-pot and b frock- coat to make their bow in Arden ! wien ts ‘ B24 than it j . very long. since Punc felt eo happy in - Shakspestiat in eRe mounting, stage managemen?, and acting + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— Marcu 6, 18&0.

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$$ 100 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Manon 6, 1880, (decitdedly)—in the rainbow. (Pleasantly.) That’s rather a neat simile. (Smiles. Then ins to hook, off the emotions and the colours on his fingers.) here we are—tirst colour ding emotion la hter . ( H ear. hear . Second colo r ’ ’ » tears. (“* Hear! hear!” And the Professor Hare's Lecture— His , bone ager = HINTS FOR A NEW AND ORIGINAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. emotion rer smilingly, and much pleased with the progress) —| Costume — Colours — Emotions — Simile— Anger — Illus- Foci why laughter should be blue, and tears red, ——- that— trations — euiptsiner — Block — Poet — Pun — se Old auahing co in al make the wa) Te ethene School — ctor’ — Conclusion Lecture — pect a makes your nose—(intensely grati — ! ive = v | ees Well—(euddenly, and seriously)~that two—leughter and tearsbiue and red. Then the fourth—no third Paoresson Hare, late of the now of St. James's, may be i thet s an r. Yes—(looki : —vellow, a eupected to lecture the following ow 1. The Trae Expres : Gilious complexion —liver out of ender. Yellow ’s the livery sion of the Emotions; 9. ; Decora (8 eed at the pun, and ‘ Auditorium, and before the generally :— urprise P very . " much delig .) at pote dag es “Get, tae s 7 * ha! (fpplause Gentlemen—(brusguely —I'’ve come to ve you a lecture onia ter.) 6s; an ourth tie colour— owns) — Certain matters ae with the Drama Rok let's #ee—(puzaled)—were we at the fourth? No. (Goes over them . Pleasantly, but very ra- in.) _ Yes—1’ve done three—what’s the fourth prismatic colour / . pidly) — hope we shall (Rube his head irritably.) Dash H these must be a fourth,—there get on well together. a to be—blue, red, yellow—no, let's see—surely—(tries to recall (** Hear! hear!” Srom | to his mind’s eye the last rainbow he has seen)—there—must - no— (as if suddenly struck by the discovery)—1’m hanged if there is! There’s no fourth prismatic colour. Sentiomen, it’s a — pity ingly, then resumes.)|for the sake of the simile, which would really have m con- Thar you for your re- | founded] happy—( pleasantly) —as I hope we shall all be without on. Which is gra-| the fourth colour—ha! ha !—eh ?— though—(still more graciously) — tid ying—very gratifying | we shan't be without the equivalent emotion, love. Of course there —\emphatically and an-|are all the gradations and combinations of the emotions —com- ry —most gratifying. i pity, revenge, remorse, fear—ah !—(suddeniy)—I should ve mentioned ‘‘ fear” before. That makes five—(emphatically) — prismatic emotions. (Jerks his right wristband + so convul- . sively, and thrusts his left hand into the breast of his waistcoat. ‘ aving thus pulled himself together, he resumes) — Lecturer smiles, looks Now, the Actor must avoid expressing them all in the same way. about him sharply Srom as to right, with much @ sameé action as is ex- hibited by @ canary about & chirrup, and then re- Gentlemen. there (Angrily.) A man would bea fool—a blatant fool—who tried to so. Dun’t tell me—(violently)\—that one stupid stereotyped manner will be sufficient to denote every variety of passion, every shade of emotion! No!—(raps the table)—never ! hen the lover is sup- to be grieved by his mistress’s conduct, he mustn’t glare at as though he were—( pleasantly) —going to eat her—( rly)— ha! ha!—like the wolf with Red Riding Hood. When he would mingle his tears with hers, and they em for the last time on Previous to his, or her, (or oth, being led off to execution, the P| Actor must let the audience see that he és weeping. (Emphatically.) must see the workings of his countenance—( sti, : y)—en8 he mustn’t shirk his artistio work turning his back on the audience, placing his arm round the y’s waist, and walking up the stage with her! (Comes down heavily with his fist on the table.) I say, no Actor must do that and [’ll add, I must deal coming more and more annoyed)—must deal with it, hang it !—(sud- denly smiling very pleasantly)—whether he likes it or not, eh? (Ag ¥, cepiving to his own question) —Yes, whether he likes it or not. Looks round inquiringly, to sae one objects, “ Hear! hear!” Srom Studenta, . von Well, now, in ing an the first thing for the Acter to is G anode ey ati viduality —( “ st at —. not shaking ing & ger them warningly - allade to “ much og, making-up ”— in ie hand ima Nigh ae and ing his head wo: a his they are~an Actor who daren’t show his face to the public in a strongly emotional part, may call himself an Actor — (getting warmer)—and he may be—(more excitedi ‘)—a good self-disgui (wa )—a first-rate maker-up—(with bitter sareasm and concen- “ry)—an inimitable entertainer, or a small-character _ man one eccentricity, but— (boiling over)—I *m—(checking im- eaploding)—hanged, if he’s a true dramatic Artist or a Actor,—and—(quite pleusa , and looking round ingutringly) — my soul | hardly think we d call him an Artist at . eh gy cheerfully. Great ope) No; we should oon- ming.) Halha! That was! sider im in Mr. Wooprm’s line, or Mr. ACCABE’8— (laughing) — ancy Macbeth in the Court guit both—(with deep convection, and defying contr adiction)—uncom- .) We Goats —_ it o—_. clever men 2 their way, wn )—deservedly =f CK. I s’pose he was ‘orefinger them)—deservedly successful, ) 1s'pose so, He must | mind you—I say I should consider such @ man as an Entertai right hand ine hi ‘ would rely merely on make-up "any l can make up— (rapping the table vio/entle) —and the greatest Actors don’t make up at all— dash it, Sir, they didn’t even Wear the costume of the period of the play!! (8 ‘easant absurd, wasn’t it of Georce Te Tara's ti odd now—but the class, and speaking most y oan! Hyd the emotions, Ah, yes—I king obliterating his (frowning) - itertainer, have been gr h it! with a stock- of trick-wigs, trick and - tulating.) Sir wr laghar santly)—a table behind which he down gpm pi fn ha! the idea of Sir 2 t it] hal ha! bedy else, only rather more like himself than ever. (Applause.) eh ?—well, those t have been. mis- | Eh ?—(bri and amilingly)—that ’s about it, isn’t it? (‘ Hear / taken—it ’s i hand, as if very | hear!” es, 1 knew you'd see it in that light. (Emphatieally.) much worrt i Don't’ you think | im fagt, it's the ony Sommon conse vies: fee sin 2 ise an so? They co tad ! hear!” from *s only a dummy— ing)—a ane —with some Students. ; , but not the- perheps ; but— )—an can portray roughly conv “ : on _snotona~(ehaking his right Si im the air, threaten- Y; ow—jm@ind you,—he is no more than a la figure for dresses, and his what do (Looking head—(eoith sudden cheerfulness and -4 appreciation of the simile) astonished, aa & a @ Question, le wheh —~& mere wig-block—(oks round ingly)—a mere wig-block, } anewer one D ’ be exrly Why,|ch? ( Applause. The Lecturer jerks himself together, What are t e —(more pleasantly) — a | are ) don’t think there there can be amy mere. “Ot course are gra- dations as there are of the prismatic colours in the rainbow, eh ? —(looks round doubtfully)—as the prismatic colours in the—(con- aidering—then positively)—Y es—there Gre four prismatic colours— tauch emotions, Gentlemen. Now for rehearsals, I don’t what you may have heard from my friends the learned Pro- Bancuorr and Hottineemesd, but I’ll tell you my opinion. (Furious/y)—Hang rehearsals! What's the use of wasting your time at rehearsals? What does What’s-his-name—(rubs his head irritably)—you know—bless my soul !—the poet—in—(/aughs)—not

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Marce 6, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 101 Watts—(laughs more)—nor Witis—though, mind you, his Olivia was first-rate—first-rate, Sir, though, that didn’t take half-an- hour to rehearse, and was chucked on the stage anyhow—anyhow. And what was the result? A triumph. A big profit. A profit out ofa poet! Eh? (Laughs suddenly and heartily.) A prophet out of a poet! Ha! ha! (Stops abruptiy, and resumes seriously)— line, says :— ** Act well your part, there ALL the honour lies.’ True: not in rehearsal, not in repetition, but in acting. (Angrily.) Don’t go by rule: don’t study each little action in detail. (Dis- gusted.) Paltry! bah! a b But give yourself up to inepiee: tion. (Inecisively.) A good bold broad style! Nothing niggling | A style for which Drury Lane or Covent Garden would not be too large! A style that grips the public—grips ’em, Gentlemen— (clenching his hand, and frowning savagely)—grips the public, mind you, the vast varied public, the outspoken, hearty pu lic—{rising to his subject enthusiastically)—whose p vibrates to the Actor’s voice—(more enthusiastically)—whose heart beats with a—with a— with a true echo—(thumps on the table, and looks round to see if any one will contradict him)—with, I say, a True Echo, a response—(more pleased with this word, he stands upright, and confronts the class boldly)—a response which is more gratifying than the feeble efforts at faint applause from languid lo —(with utter disgust)—or the intolerable affectation of zsthetic idiots and fashionable fools in the stalls and private boxes, ! I agree with Professor Bancrort as to an audience. I do—yes— (with conviction)—I do, I say, give me a large pit overflowing with humanity—humanity hot, strong, and plenty of it—(cheerfully)— like grog, Gentlemen. Eh? Ha! ha!—tlike grog. It only wants stirring. seeing that a simile may be pushed too far, adds pee — ae you ll say that it only wants a nm to stir it. h? No, no, Joking apart, that’s the sort of audience I would have you all appeal to—a sprinkling of the national intellect in our private boxes; the lower-upper and upper-middle class in the dress circle ; the lower middle in the upper boxes; the upper-lower in the pit ; the lower in the shilling gallery, and in the sixpenny the lowest highest. The Actor who pis s before such an audience as that, night after night, appeals real genuine public; and if they throng to see him, this man’s name will be handed down to pos- terity with those of—of—(pauses to find how far back in history he can go—suddenly)—of Roscrus—(applause)—ot—of—(considers again —thinks of Garrick—but it occurs to him, for the first time, that there must have been some Actor of note between Roscius and Garrick—rubs his head irritatedly—but, unwilling to keep his audience in suspense, adds, angrily)—of Garrick—(runs the rest off easily)—of Kean, KeMpte, os Ll and—(much relieved)—in fact—(cheerfully)—a host of others. (Applause, during which he Jerks himself together, and resumes his discourse.) Gentlemen, one subject which concerns those whom Providence may place in Management. Don’t bother about stage decorations or ——— Anything will do; as anythin r even nothing—used to do when the public only requi g acting, and went amey contented. For Heaven’s sake—(violently)—i is prosaic let us leave something to the imagination. If you’ve got bold, broad, expansive—( fiercely)—thorough, first-rate acting, you’ve got cveryehing « without it you’ve got nothing—no—( positively}—abso- lutely nothing. And for the front of the house, what—(appealing earnestly)—what, I ask you, w more is necessary than cleanliness and tidiness Nothing. It is the plain well-cooked chop only to be got in our smoky old London, and, best of all, in what is termed the heart of the city—(warmly)—and that’s the heart to appeal to, mind you— against what our ancestors called ‘‘ French kickshaws ’’—{ plea- santly)—*‘ kickshaws!”’ Ha! ha! What on earth—(disdainfully) —does a theatre want with picture-galleries and sta P (Dis- dainfully.) Who wants VaL Joneses and Marcus WHIsTLER’s poewes, with Burns Morris’s papers, Sack Green’s hangings, Sir Neutra Trnto’s decorations, and old china fid-fads ina theatre ? Is it a museum? Is it a booth “5 fair ? Is it a second-hand curiosity shop ? or a Grosvenor Gallery? Bah! Bosh! Stuff! Trash!! a tronically.) Who. wants to see mosaics in a theatre? Suddenly struek with an idea, and smiling knowingly.) Though I think some of us have seen whole rows of Mosaics—otf very decided Mosaics—in a theatre before now—eh? Nose-aics, eh? Ha! ha! (Repeats it, much pleased.) Nose-aics! Ha! ha! Red cloaks—and genuine theatrical decorations—" orders,” I mean, eh? (Applause and laughter. The Lecturer resumes.) Well, Gentlemen, I’ve pardly exhausted my subjects, not at all exhausted myself, but tho- rough y exhausted your patience. (Cries of ‘‘ No! No!” “ Go on return to the subject at some future time this term. 1 will merely conclude by o ing + you know my sentiments. If I have expressed them boldly—(/aughing)—you will at least credit me with having put them before you honestly and—(severely)—fearlessl y— _ Gentlemen, the poet—I forget which, but you’ll all recognise the | ® and applause.) My time is up, Gentlemen, but I hope to| and (applause)—and if you practise my teaching—(shaking his right Sorefinger at them qnehesoaliaa ves will resuscitate the traditions of that grand and great wl. of Acto thumps the a which were in danger of g lost in the— pare ilk- and-water old china-ism, th ¢ violently —bric-a-bracism, the tho— (sovagely) — esthetic nogdleiam — ( ferociously) — artistic an apenas Fem | i fea ves it te—{with convicti shaking hi er a more than coer aa is rat the ( paudie—4 adds, jar ih eet psi +r¥ ated age — ’s it, isn’t :it P— age 0 ams an woud | Great applause. morning. ‘ ep ‘{ Beit abruptly. The names of Prof D. J dates, Fist Tnvivo Watrer Lacy, and ArTaur CxciL prog hah on the re-board for tage term. wishing to lectures r numes and to the Se eg wee at his seuidines, before mid- term. ODE To THE MISSES KETCHEWAYO. Mr. Pinch visits the Zillus ge the. a. and bursts into Uncon- Aventers three of KetcHuE- waro! Punch is fain to fetch a sigh, —oh !|— Why, doth law forbid polyga- m y; When he’d not object to trig- not at Ulun- di, And he’s ruled by Mrs. Grun- dy! Una-supt is his sposa, Or he’d seek U wa-MADLO- ZA; Then, with joyous carol, Tra, la! Straight fly off to Una-Laxa. After her, his Queen of Saba Would have crowned UwA-pEn7Zaxni. Doky maidens, lithe and lissome, Punch would muchly like to kiss um! To his heart their limpid eyes are Fatal as their 6 are. But Cuisono? Ah, beshrew it! Una-supr! Rootitooit! (He crushes down his heart, and goeth away sorrowfully. Miracles in Mayo. Tue lame devotees who flock to thé miracle-working chapel of Knock in County Mayo (see last Friday’s Daily News) are to leave their sticks beliind them when go away cured. It might be of service to worse than lameness, if after the “boys” had tried the Knock cure, they would into the way of lea their sticks behind in other places County Mayo. dhoull rr expected cures vi hill / WHAT'S THE Opps? War should M.P.’s fight over the choice between Quinquennial Parliaments? After all, ’tis six (sinus one) to the one, and -a-dozen (plus one) to the other. Pessruist Precert.—Hope for the Worst. ee

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102 : PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. EXPERIMENTUM TTead Milliner. *‘ You WILL NOW BE ABLE TO JuDoF, Mapaw, Covovrep Hat!” IN CORPORE VILI. [Maron 6, 1880, | CLA a Aa 54% 1 A i, Whi CONE ; HOW BECOMING A GREEN WREATH IS TO A PgRSON WITH YOUR REASON IN BEER. Brother Bung, after perusing P. M. G. Article with the above heading, approvingly soliloquises :— We tt, it’s prime to find a Journal as is writ by gents for gents, A-putting 7s men so proper, and a showing such good sense. But a gent is O. K. mostly, while yer Rad’s a cad, an ass! Ain’t there some old Latin saying ‘bout “‘ In wino weritas ?” If so, it finds a pretty sort of pardner in this here, You won't be far off sound reason whilst you stick to good sound beer! Beer ’s British, that’s wot beer is—not that Lager—poor sour swankey, Which you don’t catch me a-drinking, nor yet selling, oh no, thank ye! But genuine English malt and ’ops, good y, head that’s prime, Like a true-born British patriot, one of the present time ! Ah! that’s worked in werry neatly. All us Bungs can joke a bit; And, indeed, who should be witty, if it ain’t a Licensed Wit ! Twig ? Tell that at the bar to-night! But wot I mean’s this ’ere,— That reason, sense, and patriot pluck all go along o’ beer, — Though I’m not a hinting, mt yer, that with spirits tisn’t ditter— No! patriots thrive on Irish ’ot as well as stout and bitter. But Beer !—it’s liquid logic, fluid sense, essence o’ grit— If that’s putting it poetic, Brother Bungs won’t mind a bit, For we Wittlers is wiwacious in our fancy, don’t yer know ? Which it’s water and Rad principles as keeps the sperrits low. teason in Beer! Percisely. Here’s towards you, P. M. G. ! I am blowed if our own Tizer could ha’ spoke more to the P., The pint, I mean. You trust us! It ain’t a mite of use For them Lib’rals to inwiggle us,—don’t we remember Bruce ? Lib’rals indeed! A-taking up with every fad and crotchet ! Ah! the Trade ’ll wop ’em wusser than it has, if they don’t watch it, They sneer ’bout “‘ Beer and Bible” when they ’re spouting on the stump, : Well, it’s ten to one on them two ’gainst the Bethel and the Pamp! That ’s where it is we has ’em !—We knocked ’em off their Southwark perch ; And we’ll back our barrel’gainst their tub, we and our pal the Church. Lor’, isn’t it a lark, though P—shows they ’d better mind their eye, Who dares the Licensed Wittlers to worry or defy. We’re too many to be sneezed at, we’re a er in the nation, And, by gum, the “ Licensed Victuallers’ Defence Association ” Means going for that party,—blue or yaller, it’s all one,— As rounds on all Permissive rot, and leaves the Bungs alone. That ’s our tip, and Beakey—bless ’im !—is a cock o’ the right comb To whip his enemies abroad, and ’elp his friends at ’ome. He won't cave in to forriners, he won’t lend ear to fads; ’Gainst the Libs and Local Hoption, ’gainst the Rooshians and the 8, | He’s a regular square stand-upper, and so every Public Bar Is a wote-ground for the Tories, and they might find wus, by far. | Yes, the P. M. G. has hit it! Let the Liberals howl and jeer— | We mean backing up our backers—and our Reason it is Beer! — —_—— ‘In Linked ‘Sternness’ Long Drawn Out.” No wonder if even the hard-headed Horxer admits that the | House must take the Crimi e, as we take physic, a little at a |time. Is it not Lag oct for ta acuter ills of the body politic ? | The House can y be ex to swallow the Criminal Code |—condensed by whatever skill of legal Liebigs—ata gulp. It will be a great thing if the Coda—i.e., tail—can be got through the House, joint by joint, and section by section. Punch will be quite ready to congratulate Sir Hewny James if, by the aid of his powder, St. Stephen’s can be brought to digest the Criminal Code after it has been digested by Sir James Stepuen. Even this will ask great power of rumination. A MISCHIEVOUS FAMILY. Tey are brothers who’ll leave a Bad worse in a jiffy— Die-Tator on Neva, Agi-Tator on Liffy! "“ALOOHLUON ‘xt1dqwvwavIc.. *“arTATOwryweiy

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Manrcx 6, 1880. HI 7 | THE AWKWARD HORSE. (OF THE PARLIAMENTARY BUS.) Nortucotr. ‘‘STEADY, HARTINGTON! I DON'T WANT TO PUT THE ‘TWITCH’ ON, BUT IF WE MUST WE MUST.”

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Marcu 6, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 105 PERSONAL OPTION v. POTHOUSE. ¥ a recent occasion the Ear} | tionists. of Dexsy, in nce, at umoots | OTe on Intemperance, at a meet- ing of the Coffee Tavern Company, set the orators 8 of | railes the mee og total a hence patty an excellent | & example of truth and sober- ness :— * People sotietimes,” he re- marked, “ in opposing Sir W11- FRID Lawson, said 4 were = temperance by eompul- | j He (the “tls Lord) sother leant te that view, but there was another view of the question, and that was, that in many large towns there was very like intem ee by com- ~~» He = - only for option, but for personal option. As matters stood, there were many places where workman had no choice be- tween drinking beer and going dry. ” Suceess, both in t principle and praeti¢e, Option” in such matters. The Report of ths Coffee Tavern to pany announces that the nett proses amount to 11 per 4 and that the Directors propose to divide five. At this rate of terest ** Personal Option ” appears to be succeeding se well as to a ect — must be agen to ependintres pitalists, bho ersonal Option” a paying reality; and see w it will not soon cut away the which Local Option now lays m to stand upon. For what, O Britons, is “‘ Personal Option” but ‘fa form of Personal Liberty? Hooray! The Birthright of Jou Butt for ever! = PUNCH’S BSSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. MonpayY, Feb, 23 (Lords).—My Lord Catnys—“ et ta, Brute /%= struck a heavy blow at of Costs, and dealt sore discow the Family! Solicitor ! yi Bills he enables absolute owners ttled estates to do everything which limited owners ean do flow, Gepenaiad with intervention of the Court, and giving Lg sore under roper checks, to buy, sell, lease, divide, and — r the}. benefit of the tithertinnen” All this by two et i of as many private Bills as thete tp with settled estates? ’Tis dething with Adding insult to injury, he brings ia slats the same time for shortening the jatigtinge ot caave of and os for lawyers’ payment by rule deeds—i.e., in the legal ponen, « words, The Scote h proverb says, “* Hawks winna pike But here we have a Lord Chancellor ia Pie every family solicitor’s puddi . = the U. Lord SELBORNE, an ex-Chance qrataleees ins, and is ready to aid and abet hi * nd th lawyers be fleeced, fw 3 — will rien have had time to spin th © aieeck, and their bills of enete'onh of ether taibamabe on ans corners of the Law Courts! (Commons.) Snaepeme gate aiteee of Re eee Sah tions for Th May bie and the Wouss’s seolations hold | Sufficient for the are the Obstructions thereof. We refer — readers to Thursday’s Essence, Dr. Farr has had @ speoial pension of £800 awarded him for his| matters: good and lo ong service, Better in the well-earned ease of his even- tide, than still fagging at the Registrar-Office, even as its old head, under the weight of his threescore years and twelve. least, might have gone farther, and fared worse. The House had some hours’ ~ at Sir Starrorn’s little game of Breaches ~ Privilege, in which Messrs. SULLIVAN and O'DonweLt showed great aptitude ; but the House at last getting tired of the dis- Farr, at own little Privilege Y, of last week for the hours wasted to- erm Griminal Code Bil yas read a Second vung, ond rol 1” rt ped A hte is Le at Sept s ’s—four hours of chil rward taken in a few minutes the ed Prey e um te he these order, passed to the Orders of the Day. Sir Starrorp may thank iis Cor —— Reading heed for No —Irish Distress Bill brought up, and Second ed for Monday. E pur si muove—in spite of the Obstruo- Neng oy Mr. Bourxe declines to say oqytin € about Colonel ao ¢ kis ay et + nage Bg his wife, has been carried for ransom, Dy brigand 8, So Spots race, Orato Otlewen subjects, some thirty shetats pik. says ‘’Tis the sport to see the wen own ” But poor Colonel Syxer pro- in own petard.” But poo officer nabbed by his * Let Th aoe s Nixo; ‘‘ Synors are ow birds.” In such a cane A ris Baie a Tat i mended.” but , Sen games above a county-court detec - in oe days arrested for debt, attaches the least and M.P.’s ex from the tap of the Let a benktapt ber vaeate his seat, as a rule, wi pa in specially Voila tout ! Mr. a dealt with in the new Bank- Tos o8 an and Ghast Se which pes with with, Sins a esl alive, Mr. J. Hotws moved, and \/-~it solution in of five-year erhaps if oy rene choosing, we should not choose seven Ag' term of Parliament, but, prac- tieally, what wees whether five years or seven out spent @ days are gone by of the didmente b in their van. moved "be Amendment favour of the tired 7 term, & weary and unin voted it by i f moved for a Committes to look into the Stowing Cargoes, ‘tImsort’s Bill assumes that the Mr. in bulk instead of bags is the main cause for vessels. Experts dispute this ; and a to investigate the sotto ook yy 8 the Committee. Wi bil for “ir pte oné. Then Mr. Non- the jurisdiction eases, and £40 in cases of ej t functions with the i vat omueae wi Admiralty, Probate, and Of course schendaee of business will carry exten- With va sans dire. The ge’s improved figure is to be £2000 £2000. r, as beca’ Scotch of the public , ' i: ee ee ee pore, me. ed into the Scotch Mist of the hec by Mr. Vans Aorew, see doubted by Sir G. Camppern, ml But the Government has Ades d, as have the , ~ ‘an Hy othee’ Se pes _— go .—Lord SreaTnepts AWD Camppett moved for on the Volunteer Baster Monday Keview, Bury ae | os that snubs the citizen eters domplimen yee Buxgt countered olunteer . the W ar-Office hy & information initiative in such hare ato — (fr Sir Srarrorp’s Obstruction Revolations But relude, came a wonderful spurt of from the Speaker, bight d _ nee up” a troublesome trio, Messrs. PrrusoLt, Bioear, and Cartan, in swift succession. Then, after a batch of questions, to which and the answers nobody li Sir Starrorp moved his Resolutions. 1. For suspending, for that sitting, any, Member named by the Speaker or Chairman of mmittees, as disregarding the other & of the Chair, or abusing a of the | persistent and wilful obstrnetion of busi- awe hi for suspension fo be put without Sg Fs amendment, Pete, or debate, and the. the rey having « right to | ‘ast the motion for saponin. 8. That by hard ae ~~ ty} standing Order of . yA x: oe a

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[Marcu 6, 18:0. - Wt e* et “4 " THE INDIAN SNAKE-CHARMERS. phi \ »\ it “a Al '; ih ‘ bin) ty vis - 7 yyy NN I SS { m POL /// ‘ SM ON (INDIAN BUDGET SURPLUS, £119,000!) ouse is increasing, and with happen the House would be to fall public contempt ; and that the greatest danger of this be 1; tf : inability to maintain its own dignity and transact its own it the mischief of blocked measures and wasted time; that the | After explaining, Sir Starroxp put his Resolutions, which all In a full House Sir Srarrorp urged what Punch need not| worst thing that could repeat—that the House must have rules of debate, and must main- tain them ; that the business business. into from

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Marcu 6, 1880.) PUNCH,

R THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 107

- - BAILIE VERINTOSH

| 44 j i+ Hel i } | 14] j i ys 16 < CPA scnooe soar Mllititini| Nh | Wim NA Had MIL Ld : ae A Li 1} j | foil ii Wnt

J. al a | ee DORESS CHILDREN | as) ie "| ia ' \] = = = vail om ae a at 7 = -_ = curore ||) ee at _ Hi é ~ 7 # d . ef oy JS ae ~ Ye AI RE KS us ah ra Nos / ZF Ls | "4 % » ‘Vat " 1 SS *, b LAY 4 \ Ne z ‘ j \' \ f / F hud Wy ie | “IN VINO A ! |— 1 \ | TN VERITAS.” Bailie Verintosh, Member of School-Board (who wished to address the Children after Luncheon). ** Noo, BAIRN®, AW’LIL JEST TALL YZ, WE’RE A’ LIKE SHEPS—sOME’s EN PoaRRT!—somEe’s Awa’ OOT I’ MED OckAN !—sOME’s NEAR THE Haven! Ye’re seear LEAVIN’, PoakRT! ASH F’MF, AW THENK AW’M ABOoT Haur SHxeasu over!” [Agreed nem, con,

criticised seemed more inclined to pronounce too slack than too stringent. The Marquis of Hartrneron, in the name of the Opposition, gave his support to the Resolutions, though he thought them open to cri- ticism. He would prefer that the Speaker should be the Marwood of the House, and suspend peccant Obstructionists without help of Honourable Members, whose vote would be a superfluity. Mr. NewpeaarTe gave the statistics of Obstruction, and —worse still —the gabble-gauge for ’77, ’78, and ’79. according to which the Hon. Member for Meath had addressed the House 500 times; the Member for Galway, 369; the Member for Dungarvan, 284; and the Member for Mayo, 135—an awful amount of small change (speech being silvern) among four Irish Members! Mr. Ditiwyn did not oppose the Resolutions, but would prefer that the subject should be dealt with Sessionally by a Committee of Order. Obstruction was a game that two could play at; and the majority of | to-day might be the minority of to-morrow. Mr. Newpercate | should have gone back further in the annals of Obstruction—to the Clerical Disabilities Bill of 1870, when there were ten divisions of more than 3 to 1, lasting far beyond the small-hours, in which many of the present Government had figured in the minorities. By this time the House—which had waxed wofully thin, under the combined attraction of dinner and repulsion of Newprcate— had dwindled down to five, and the SpzakeR was only saved from having to put the question by Mr. Biccar’s moving a Count, and turning on the rush of Members from the dining-rooms. Then the Irish Brigade began their fire, opened by Mr. Justin Macartny. They were all for the Resolutions; their only care— the candid darlings—was for freedom of debate and protection of minorities ! bstruction was far more due to mistakes of the Government than misfeasance of private Members. (Six of one, Mr. Macartny, perhaps, but certainly a round dozen of the other.) Mr. Sywaw protested. The main offence of the present minority was that they were Irishmen. Mr. 8. Luorp wanted a majority of two-thirds on the SpzaKEn’s

Mr. Hansvury thonght the Resolutions too weak. He would administer a dose of Hanbury’s Entire, in the shape of a far swifter and sharper punishment. Mr. Soxtrvan worked up an effective retort to Mr. NewproaTe out of the statistics of Obstruction for 1870, when, on the Clerical Disabilities Bill. the Education Bill, and the Army Purchase Bill, all the leading Members of the Administration had led, or voted in, insignificant minorities, and kept the House on the trot till daylight. In fact nearly all the occupants of the Treasury Bench had qualified themselves to sit there by their course of obstruction in 1870 and 1875. Mr. Cuapsiin contended there was obstruction (English, and ex- eusable), and obstruction (Irish, and inexcusable). He gave it Lord HARTINGTON over the head and ears for presuming to fall asleep. He was for throwing the responsibility of penal action on the House instead of the Speaker. ‘‘ Frappez vite et frappez fort” must be their motto. (Bravo, most belligerent and un-chaplainlike of CHapttns!) Sir W. Harcourt was for throwing the responsibility on the SPEAKER, without any appeal to the House. At the same time he would support the Resolutions of the Government. All he and his friends wanted was to improve them. Lord J. Mannens thought it best that the Sreaxenx should name names, and the House inflict the suspension that must follow that awful rite. The cléture was, to his mind, objectionable as unfair to the rights of the minority. Mr. Fawcetr was ready, without qualification, to support the Resolutions ; and Mr. O’Donnext gave them the valuable meed of his approbation—" as a disinterested spectator.’”’? Nor he, nor bis, had ever been named by the Srzaxer. He would have the Speaker’s decision He was prepared to obstruct bad Bills in the present as in the past, and was proud of all he had done in that way. (No accounting for prides any more than tastes.) The debate was adjourned. Thus far the tide sets fair for the Resolutions—weak or strong.

motion for suspension. Whether, with a strong Leader and a stalwart Speaker there w have been any need of them, may be matter of opinion.

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| Lord and | To this o, sre forewing 108 Friday (Lords).—Lord Buscomartats } is sorry he can’t find £2000 a-year to pay fora —- of Casts from the Antique, at the prayer of Earl Goxeen er amiable and esthetic archwologists. Coste that cateh no fish don’t suit either Lord B.’s book or the reas pe ll spoke me on Irish suffering, the lack of self-depemdence, the read ven to the clamour for a & from the State, an the ciency of private enterprise in There was good sense in all he about the chafe of old confiscations difficulties of Irish landlords lian agitation gration, No Ie das re mend all. is was an Irish ills and thely remedi of disco ~ aang digpodition to get ceptanee of the ofthem. Mr. eS tions & of the awaits aor Members A, present to hear the ra Mr. Courntwey spoke sensibly, as ae to be listened to ti The debgte wes eijours nelly A} he eassied and Hane La gee wren —too pail heated Tunes twelve, w the Soe, eet heads e Ls cage ey said, truly a they tas a sei he Home-Rule Members - if oa tlame 4QUARIUM REFORM. Propie who delight in witn performances dangerous to the performers, will be vexed to hear that Mr. Honson, the Manager of the Aquarium, has written to the Middlesex Justices a letter signi- fying that, on account of the accident which lately befell ‘‘ Zo,’ the Directors had at ‘‘all performances with seskeniel pro ecting power should forthwith be interdicted.” Apologising for the Zazex and Zmo shows,” Mr. Honson says that the arrange- ments for them were believed sora safe, and further states that :—‘* These exhibitions were universall y pepuien pular, and were wit- ge yy yt uding all ¢! of society How were the f foregoing ? If by = special contrivance for distinctly A ascertained the numbers of , ome visitors of the Aquarium to whom, in ** ZazeL” “Zmo” were attractions, and who went expreely for Pe gratification of seeing them risk their lives, that popular of amusement may be supposed to have been furnished with A. instrument of registra- tion da Todo well answering purpose of what Srpyey Suire called a “‘ foolometer.” It "Tt would be be to find that such a meter as ‘* incl of society,” a — of pe perso ony oe oe toa poe Eo jon of society at | fauses may be en to represent the odipiesions of the general public at the Aquarium doors, and not the indications of any ak tee the enumeration of a separate class of spectators—the va To Guard our Flocks! “ Sir G. P. Coruey has been appointed Governor and High Commissioner of Natal and Comnsander of the troops in the South-Eastern district, in >. to Sir Ganner WoLamiey and Sir Haney Buiwen.’’—Calcuita clegram. We have heard a good deal ont Ae Afriean sheep, and the capabi- Transvaal t lities of the asa . Latterly it has been more celebrated for ite stray sheep than ite shearlings. Here at last is the CotLey to look after the sheep—Dutch English. May the result soon be great wool and little ery, in exchange for the present South-African exports, great ery and little wool. ‘‘ HAWKS PIKING OUT HAWKS’ EEN.’’ Tue Lory Curer Justice picking holes in Sir James SrepuEn’s Criminal Code. . PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _CHARIVARL [Marcu 6, 1880. ONE WORD. are persons—well-meaning that Punch, in his last wee et Libertas,” has outraged propriety an Sovereign, for whom he feels and the d in an oy s!—not the less donkeys, or their amiable 8 a ae as withheld his comment of pen and bg An on » | events of commandin ony Sige public interest, because Aap | were selves serious or al, sad, or even appalling ? It is the eae ont and intention of his comments, on such oceasions that justifies them ; rengeeng Won Sap | from tant apbere of y, and ming them from the charge of levi vie thenatts, an ee Se stens of of deep import for auton or others. always be minds so constituted as to be incapable of Misting wishin irony from mockery, and satire from lack of seriousness. Punch can say to these persons is that he does not address them, and that they had better not look into his They are quite distinguishable from another class of critics, who now and then ery out on Punch’s comments, because they wince under them, and complain thet his arrows are poisoned because the sting. To such critics, Punch has nothing to say. His best an only answer to them will be to follow the road he has followed from his birth—the road of right, by aid of the light of truth, as far as it is in his power to choose the one, and to recognise the other. ersons too, no doubt, s Cartoo ans, " THE RECORD OF A SILVER WEDDING. On last Thursday night, February 26th, the Amateur Club of Cambridge University, familiarly known as the “ celeb its twenty-fifth anniversary with a Guildhall of Cambridge, under the gracious on presidency of H.R.H. the Prince or Waxes, who, on rising to the first toast, was received with such prolonged and hearty Bann —from a . ay chorus of nearly two hundred voices—as evineed the thoro hb sqeqesiation « of og vers on ye most exceptional oeca- sion— red-letter da he history of the Club. ol Punch records the event ~ Fg bade and more mney as there seems to have grown up, with the Club, an earnest and Ae ambition to cultivate Dramatic Art for higher purposes than those of mere recrea- tion and temporary amusement,—an ambition which, if prozerly directed by experienced guides, is likely to produce such results as will be highly beneficial to he artistic and social interests of the English stage. Floreat A. D. C.! Gentlemen—by all meas, but remember drs Longa, and Vi oat the Lag May agg esi, Bo let all past and present members who have the dignity of the drama at heart, work with a will, and salute the Club with Perpetua! A. D. ©. anqut in the & DIFFERENCE. .. Roman Dictator was appointed “‘ Ne quid respublica detrimenti at. ” Russian Dictator is appointed “ Ne quid Imperator.” Rescu.r or THE Perstanx Poricy Propiem (when finally worked out).— Quod Herat demonstrandum, S@ To Oomausrowpunts.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, ret stamped and directed envclope ae In no case cam these be returned wnless aocompanied by « should be kept.

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Marcu 13, 1880,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 109 NAN x iN \\ Mt OM | \ yt ‘ ‘\ ~) ‘) ‘TRAIN UP A WIFE,” &c. ‘*] PRESUME THE LADY IS AWARE THIS Is A SMOKING ComMPART- MENT ?”? ‘‘THe LADY I8 WELL AWARE OF THE Fact; AND, BEING MY WIFE, SHE KNOWS BETTER THAN TO OpJxEcr.”’ PARLIAMENTARY MAXIMS FROM MEATH., (Vide Mr. Newdegate’s Speech of February 26.) To retain an Irish Seat. To comply, with a Standing Order. To prove your respect for the Forms of the House. To show regard for the SrEaKeER. To demonstrate your regard for the Chair. ‘inal 6 To support the Constitution—d | ? Iriandaise, To prove you are not yet under Home-Rale. To make the best of a small num- ber (Irish). To show the perfectibility of the Irish character. To convince the world you cannot be an Obstructionist. 3g on your legs five hundred times in a Session. Refuse to sit down. Never hesitate to address empty Benches. Always continue speaking until you are spoken to. When sat upon, ignore the fact. Sit up all night, when possible, oak prevent everybody else from going to bed. Never go home till morning. a constantly dividing. (N.B. The smaller the number the greater the result.) Be always making an Amend- ment. Remind it that, as you sit always below the gangway, it is im- possible you should be stopping it. LEADING’ IDEAS, “ A man and leader of men.’’—TENNYSON. The Sphinx soliloquises :— ‘Leaver of men! Mellifluous laureate Of blameless Kings and of ideal Knights, Piper of high-pitched patriot lays, dost guess How ’tis by ear and nose, not hand and heart, Mankind is led? Leading is easy work! To inspire or to enlighten earth’s dull drones, Might task a new Prometheus; nay, to drive The mulish multitude is Titan’s work, But leading? Bah! ’tis as the carrot-bunch Held in advance of donkey’s outstretched nose yy the adroiter urchin in a race. ith words we manage men !—well-chosen words, Vague, but of sounding vastness, fit to fire ose ruling ions which, aroused, give rule To the deft piper who can play on them. Have I not layed,—ye gods, have I not played The stops of Burx’s whole gamut up and down, With firm though most fantastic fingering ? And,—there’s humour on’t !—to fine fixed tunes, Whose oo my green youth,—which was not green— I set before his slow unseeing eyes. With that frank daring which so dupes the fools, And so disarms the wise! Commons and Peers The Court, the Clubs, the Crowd, cold friends, hot foes, The Swells, the Cits, the Blues, the Radicals The country Squires, aye, all the stiff- necked lot, From Cowen stout to caustic SaLissury, Stoop to my lure and follow in my wake! By Tvusat-Caxn, there is no instrument On which sure touch and subtle mastery Can play to such strange issues as man’s heart. Heart ? word serves to cover a wild sum Of eager appetites, to tickle which Into esurience gives wit a tool Stronger than armies or exchequers crammed : ’Tis single strength that sways unto its ends Multiform weakness—greed and vanity, The itch for domination, and the thirst For much noise-making in a noise-witched world ; The larger egoism of land and race, Stretched but self-centred still, and smartly tricked In vesture of heroic virtue; fear That hides with strutting port and swelling speech, And self-deceptive show ot vigilance, Its inner baseness,— these be dominant chords To stir a passion in the multitude, And in a phrase that voices their dumb-will To past some plausibility of speech, And fire the mob with self-approving zeals ! That is the way to work on the gross mass Of coarsely-fibred matter called Mankind. *We’ve but to make men think,’ cries Guapstonr. ‘Think’! Sisyphus-Sophist, ply thy bootless task ! The skulls that yield that brain-secretion scarce Will give thee back thy lost majority. Nose-cocked MacaLitum-More fills two full hours And columns six with serried cogencies— So the Scot deems them—’gainst my policy. I, with an airy smile, a neat pate | Te ‘ Rule Britannia’ sentiment, some quips, And one vague, sounding, well-considered phrase— ‘ The Gates of India’—deftly iterated, Pleasantly put him by, rout all his tropes, And phalanx close of fine- drawn arguments, As for the Mob, ’twill find my phrase, be sure, A handy cudgel to beat foes to silence, Long after the MacaLium’s volumes twain And columns six are banished to the limbo Of weapons obsolete, with old Brown Bess And Bruce's battle-axe! So men are led /” PARLIAMENTARY DEMONSTRATION, In sending Mr. GrissELt to Newgate the House of Commons have demonstrated that their displeasure is anything but nugatory. Quod erat demonstrandum, High time it should be. Tae One AFFECTION IN WHIcH THE InIsnH Ane Devicrent.— Pa(y)rental. VOL, LXXVIII, L Saceneneanallieemneniasaemanteomes

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PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. om ae Niass i ~ —_—im \ ii ; My . (ul. sill \\\ SS 110 PUNCH, OR TILE LONDON CHARIVARL [Marcu 13, 1830, Wnty. | i) | \ | ed FFA AYES; , y A CANDIDATE FoR Orrice—‘‘ Taz New Torxcock.” SatrurDAY, Feb, 28.—An extra sitting to dispose of Sir Starrorp Nortscote’s Obstruction Resolutions. Mr. CaLLaN impugned the impartiality of the Chairman of Com- mittees, objecting to the power of ‘‘ naming names’’—as distinguished from that of calling them, to which he has no objection. Incidental passage of arms between Notan, CaLian, and O’Don- NELL. BicGaR amicus curiae. Sir Starrorp threw his shield over Mr. - and Mr. Saw poured oil on the waters—not oil of | vitriol. Mr. Catuan tried to withdraw his Amendment, but Mr. Biccar wouldn’t let him, and it was thrown out by 191 to 17. Mr. Fryigan moved to omit ‘‘or otherwise”; but this being | negatived without a division, the Irish Irreconcilables threw up the sponge, waived their Amendments, and after an attempt by Sir Grorce CaMPBELt to leave the right of voting when the right of speaking had been taken away (which found 42 supporters against 172 dissentients) ; a suggestion by Lord Harrineron, by way of strengthening the hands of the Cuancetor of the Excnecver, to suspend for a second instead of a third offence; the addition (on Mr. Forster’s motion) of a proviso saving the House’s ancient powers of procedure against its Members; final protests by Cap- tain Notan, Messrs. Frviean, and Biecar; and an unsuccess- ful move by Mr. Dittwyw to have the Resolution passed as a Sessional, instead of a Standing, Order, the Resolutions were finally adopted—as originall framed—by seven o’clock. A blessed wind up of the week’s work. Henceforth, ‘‘ What’s in a name?” will be a question with an answer. Had Parnext been present the rod had not been so easily tied, to hang up in terrorem over the bench of the Home-unruly boys. Remains to be seen how fear or flagellation will operate in promoting the dispatch of business. Thus far all looks well. Monday (Lords).—Relief of Irish Distress Bill read a Second Time, with a sensible speech by the Duke of Ricumonp, and comment, mostly pertinent, by Lords Lanspownz, Dunraven, MonTeac Le, Em y, and others. } : , ny Upper House discussions of Ireland’s difficulties and their remedies

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Marca 13, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL FLATTERY. Facetious Drover. ‘‘ Bu¥Y TWO OR THREE NICE LITTLE UNS FOR THE Park, Squire?!” [To the delight of little Binks, who was taking a turn through the Market.—( He travelled for Shortreel & Co, of Manchester /) are noticeable in contrast with Lower House faction-fights over the same ground, for their coolness, discretion, and comprehensive- ness. It is evidently a subject best discussed by the Olympians. The absence of “friends of Ireland” of the O’Dowwet1, CaLian, and Bieear kidney, is an incalculable blessing ! (Commons.)—Poking up of Lord CastLeREacn’s electioneering relations with the Down Home-Rulers. His Lordship protests he never gave pledges to abstain or be aeutral on Home-Rule questions. Per contra, Mr. Bioear read letters from the deputation of the Ulster Home-Rulers’ Association who declare they took his promise of neutrality from his own lips. Mr. Pease bore witness to Lord CasTLEREAGH’s straightforward- ness as an electioneering opponent. But Irish and English election atmospheres are so different. CASTLEREAGH might well excused an extra pledge or two in the very stress of North-Irish battle—when ‘* he was speaking to hundreds,” as he very excusably ag The explanation ended in a wrangle, wound up by a vicious ick, in the shape of an allusion to the “infamous CasTLEREAGH,” = Mr. pire - which he ought to, but will certainly not, 0 4 Colonel Stawtey brought on the Army Estimates in a clear, business-like statement. Pending the report of Lord Arney’s Com- mittee, our system remains in statu quo, Our force has been re- duced by 4,000 men; the year’s recruits have been fewer, but so have its deserters. improvements are claimed for our enlistment system, our medical arrangements, and militia training; and our force of reserve officers is in ing. Breach-loaders are to introduced, and our old materials ually utilised for arming our fortifications. Sir W. Bartretor’s congratulations were interrupted by an un- successful attempt at a Count-Out from Mr. Fovican, who is trying to fill Mr. Panwetr’s shoes in his absence. Sir W. referred to the hostile passages at pen and wire between Dr. Russet and Sir Gannet Wotsetey, and said he ho the Zululand military in dispute between them would be thoroughly cleared up. So does Punch ; not only for the good of the Service, but for the credit of Captain Pen, a veteran tried and trusted, and Captain be | We be | the Sword, whose style thus far smacks of the more familiar, and more trenchant, weapon. ; : j re pe Noian ntum mutatus ab illo Intransigente—contri- buted a useful on his specialty, Big Guns; and after a brief passage of ntary rather than critical comment on the speech com and its statements, in two hours more millions of Army Estimates than the civilian likes to think of were rattled through—the tottle of the whole being disposed of before midnight, a feat hardly in the recollection of the oldest representative. Mr. O’Crery’s Irish Volunteer Bill was rejected by 81 to 12; Mr. O’ DoxNELL in a moment of rare candour admitting that if passed in the present state of Irish feeling and opinion it would be an unmiti- gated curse to the country. Instead of fivin “the boys” rifles, if could only take away their elaghs, and return their blunderbusses into store! Tuesday (Lords).— Nil. (Commons.) — GRissELL’s case under consideration. After his =— most abject in apology, and humble in submission) had by Mr. wizeee, © e a of So Sees = ae e very mild punishment of a i at the Bar. r. W. E. Forster seconded the pro ° Mr. E. B, Dewison doubted if this was adequate. Shall Warp in ward be penned, GuisseLt go free, pocket his reprimand, and li ay laugh the Commons’ House to scorn? Perish the thought! The ouse so clearly agreed with him—Mr. Rrtanps being espe- cially emphatic in assertion of the Commons’ dignity — that HANCELLOR of the Excuequer was fain to knock er ; Mr. GRIssELL, se been forthwith nabbed , A - Sergeant-at- Arms, was committed to the Clock-Tower, to brought up to- morrow, and take what the House may give him. patient, GRISSELL, as befits thy name! Thy night spent in the Clock-Tower may be long, thy days in Newgate will be longer still! But wh talk of patience, with patient Peter TarLox moving, for the nin time, in a House of game-preservers, the abolition of the Game- Laws! Supporting his conclusion on the same old facts and with the old array of reasons nine times urged, and not the stronger for repetition, he pooh-poohed, as idiotically insufficient, increase in

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112 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. of the law of trespass, and more legislative insistance on ight of property in game. Total Abolition was the only remedy. Sir W. Bartrecot moved the inexpediency of stirring the subject now. Earl Percy deprecated a movement that, by destroying country ports, would tend to encourage absenteeism,— “Tis game, not work, keeps landlords to their lands.” Mr. Reap, speaking for the farmers, claimed for’ them (the right f destroying ground-game, and thought justice might be done by forming the Game Laws, without abolishing them. Mr. Beresroxp Hore thought pheasant-farming as much entitled to protection as land or sheep-farming. Sir W. Harcevrt chaffed the *‘ farmers’ friends,’’ and contrasted their speeches in and out of the House. Mr. RopweEt. de- clared the farmers, if polled,would be against the abolition of Game Laws, while urgent for their amendment. Sir M. W. RIDLEY considered Game Laws 1 discriminating law of trespass, removal of which would render necessary & more strin- gent and unpopular trespass-law. At the same time, he admitted with a large-minded- ness that does him cre- that the law was sometimes absurd, and ught to be open to re- Vision. Then there was a merry little game over Division. Sir W.Bart- reELOT wanted to with- iraw his Amendment, but after Patient Perer’s eriginal Mo- tion was negatived by 160 to 87 (6 pur st muove, Pietro mito ® Sir W. Harcourt moved to omit the ‘not’? from Sir W. BARTTELOT’s assertion of inexpediency; and the CHANCELLOR of the Excurquver had gravely tocall hislarky boys to order, and get Sir W. Haxcovnrt’s sportive Motion nega- tived by 135 to 115 before Sir W. Bart- reLoT’s could be dis- posed of without a 4G Division. y All this was stopping the way of Mr. Cross’s very big bit of busi- ness, the London Water Bill. This is —* ih large metropolitan A/ measure, and if the -S,s Y taX% ws, AYY Session see it through, which it will not, in all probability, it will not have been wasted—par- ticularly if it earry,: besides, the Criminal Code a step nearer to con- summation, which we fear, is too much to hope for. A Metropolitan Water Trust is to be created, to take over all the plants and powers of all the London Water Companies—their value to be commuted for something like Thirty Millions of Three-and-Half per Cent. Stock,

. | partly in present value, partly in deferred payments, in consideration | tor future increment in value. This Water Trust is to be managed by a paid Chairman and two Vice-Chairmen, the first to be appointed by the Government, afterwards to be elected by the members of the Trust, who will be the Lord Mayor, the Chairman of the Metropolitan Soard of Works, two nominees each of the Local Government Board, | the Board of Works, the City Commissioners of Sewers, and the Metropolitan Board, with twelve members elected by the Metropolitan Boroughs, and inhabitants north and south of the Thames not in- cluded in any borough. The objects of the Trust are to be the supply

[Marcu 13, 1880.

of water for houses, street cleansing, and fire extinction,” with provi- sion for constant supply at high pressure. The trust is to come into operation next October, and provision is to be made for extinguishing the debt in eighty years! Thirty Millions is a big figure—too big by a great deal. But this 7s a ‘‘ great deal.” Possession is nine points of the law, and the Water Companies are masters of the field. It’is a case of “ Like it, or lump it,” says Mr. Cross. If we are to be masters of our own water supply, we must pay for it through the nose. The public is grumbling already, oad. so far, does not seem to like it. Punch wishes Mr. Cross well through'the task before him. He has proved himself a good man of business, and an efficient and diligent Home-Secretary thus far. But we fear this Bill is no go. And in this last Session, too, so generally foredoomed to Do- nothingness ! Wednesday.— A crowded ‘House, to do honour to Mr. Gris- . ; lad SELL’s call to the Bar! << “(4A“LAL Clutehing the pole be- Cy "fe fore him, that lately audacious and defiant gentleman, nowas limp and flabby-looking a piece of gristle as ever did discredit to his name—made the most ample (not to say ab- _— submission that could be put into words, and was ordered off in charge of the Sergeant- at-Arms; while the House unanimously to the Motion of the CHANCELLOR of the ExcHEQUER, se- ; conded by Mr. Fors- -Z-- +~=S«~+TER, consigning this - daring amer and defier of the Commons to Her Majesty’s Gaol of Newgate, on Mr. SPEAKER’s warrant, till such time as it please the House to release him. This done, the House emptied as fast as it had filled, leav- : ing Mr. Macartney to - explain to all but empty benches his Bill for shifting the pre- sumption in favour of Ulster Tenant Right from landlord to te- nant which, for a won- der, was agreed to by all the Irish Members, and not opposed by the A Government. hen Re our Irish friends do x agree, their unanimity is wonderful. At least,

|! 1 LAA Warteo. | SW 4 pce we | is to Mt IK Weare Lord Carnns’s Settled \\ Estates Bill, under a cold - water douche from the Marquis of OM Batu, who doesn’t see why owners as they ought to be should want to sell settled land ; and sprinklings of warm encouragement fron {the Marquis of Ripon, Lord Cannyeton, the Earl of Moriey, and other stirring youths, who feel the burden of tied-up land, and the blessing of ready money instead of unprofitable acres. (Commons.)—After dashing through a slough of questions, the House got into Committee of Supply, and ran the votes off the reel, till pulled up by Mr. O’Donwett on the vote for the Irish Constabu- lary, against whose services in support of law in the person of the process-server he protested. Naturally, as maintainers of order and authority, the Constabulary are odious to Mr. O’ DonneLt and Mr, Bieear, Mr. Suaw thought the speeches at recent anti-rent meetings had been too great nonsense to justify the presence of a police force. He forgets that the hearers as well as the speakers were excited if not united Irishmen.

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Marcu 13, 1880,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 113 Mr. SuHaw’s pooh-poohing and pshaw-pshawing of Anti-rent oratory was very painful to the O’DonocuvE, who declared it would cause deep displeasure in Ireland, which it may,—in certain circles. Mr. O'DonNELL’s opposition was bowled over by 172 to 30. Mr. SaHaw is showing himself far too sensible for Ruler of the Home-Rulers. Friday (Lords).—Lord Emty on Irish Distress, with complaints of neglect of duty by some Irish Boards of Guardians. ‘he Duke of KicumonpD promised to look into it. (Commons.)—A squabble over the exclusion of reporters from executions in prisons. Mr. Bricut lost his temper with Mr. Cross, and all the big-wigs got drawn into the wrangle, and reprimanded each other. Mr. Cross protests inst sensational reporting of hangings. And so say all of us. Let provision be Ps for satisfying the public that the last doom of the law has been dealt, whether by newspaper report, or otherwise, and let us have no pandering to the vile human appetite for horrors. Sir WILrrip moved his Local Option Resolution. The House, seeing in the Local Option Resolution a shoeing-horn for the Permissive Bill, after a discussion not unworthy of the seriousness of the subject, in which Lord Harrryeron, Messrs. GLaDsTONE, LeatHaM, Bricut, Muntz, WHEELHOUsE, RopwELL, BuLwer, CLARKE, and Cross took part, negatived the Resolution by 248 to 134. Much as Punch hates intemperance, he feels that the House has done wisely in deferring legislation on the subject. ATHLETICS IN PROFUNDIS! (From a Story of the Future, with Mr. Punch’s Compliments to Ginz’s Baby.) HE Mayor and Con- stable of Slocum- on-the- Ooze were had come direct from the Home-Office, and there was but one thing to do— to obey them. ** Very well, your Wor- ship,” said the Constable after receiving his fi instructions, “‘you will hear by the shouts of the people—who ain’t accus- tomed to this sort of thing, mind you—that I have done my duty.” With this the Policeman eae, to be hurriedly called back by the Chief Magistrate of Slocum. ** Leave your staff here, Constable,” his Worship ordered. ‘‘ You might self with it. You should be the last to’ infringe the provisions of this new and most grand-maternal Act.” The Guardian of the Peace grumblingly com- plied with his superior’s request, and finally made his exit. : ‘ **Can’t allow that!” he exclaimed, as he noticed a maid-servant cleaning the window of the second-floor back of the Police-Station. ‘‘ Potty, come down at once! You might tumble further than six feet! Now no im- eae — - in oe ee pete . . a seen the slavey safely rele rom her perilous positi the intelligent official continued his promenade. - oar ‘* Now this ts too bad!” he shouted, as he observed an urchin about to take a back over a youth of considerably greater stature than himself. ‘Stop, you youn ! What do you mean by apap your precious lite—taking a jump like that ?” “We was only having a game at leap-frog!”” whimpered the small bey. ** Leap-frog! It’s misdemeanour!” And having, with yard- rule, measured the height of the human obstacle over which the delinquent was about to project himself, the constable conveyed both 8 culprits to the Station-House. “* Come, that’s a good beginning, at any rate!” he murmured as flabbergasted. The orders | themsel: fall down, and hurt your- |* he continued his walk. He had not gone far when he was stopped in front of a Ginger-Beer Emporium, by the appalling spectacle of a youthful customer attempting to swallow a pint of Imperial Pop trom the bottle direct! ‘A performance with an explosive projec- tile!” he exclaimed. And buyer and seller were both quickly conveyed to the lock-up. - On resuming his official rounds, he suddenly found himself in a field where a number of young men were en in savagely possking about a gabe of Lome. * Hallo! hat’s all this?” emanded, y: ** Football,” said one of the players, as he paused for a moment to rub a broken shin. ‘ We are only going to get a goal.” “You mean a gaol!” returned the official with grim humour. And he returned to the cells with a fresh batch of prisoners. An hour later the Mayor and the Constable were once more to- . The former was receiving the report of the latter. The oliceman had reached the last page of his list. ** Any more?” asked his Worship. } ‘Yes. There were the twenty-two cricketers. I thought I’d better take up the =n and scorers.” “Quite right,” replied the Mayor: ‘‘they were eertainly aiders and abettors in a dangerous exhibition.” “Then, your Worship, I found a young man rowing in a boat, and as the water under him was at least ten feet deep, I ran him in, too. ** Quite right—he might have been drowned! Any one else?” ‘*Yes, your Worship, some young chaps bird-nesting on the bough of a tree, three yards from the ground. And then there were a couple of dancing-girls on stilts. Then, there were some labourers going up a ladder to the top of a house, After that, I called to a scientific gent in a balloon to come down—but he wouldn't.” ‘We must telegraph to the next county at once and have him arrested on his descent!” exclaimed the Mayor. ‘Shameful! ame ** And then I ordered the divers working in the river on the wreck of that ’ere lighter to come out. And they have. They are drying ves in front of the station-house fire. And I arrested a young girl who was climbing a hill at a trot, And the back-yard is ful of bicycles, And [ have got a whole crew of sailors inthe pound. I seized them as they were doing something or other to a lot of sails ever so high up on a mast of aship inthe harbour. And, please your Worship, that’s all.” “*T see—a grand total of two hundred and forty prisoners—eh, Constable ?”’ “Right you are, your Worship; and as we’hadn’t accommodation for all of them, I have put half in the Town Hall, and what was over in the Vestry.” ‘Very inconvenient! But I suppose it can’t be helped. And, now, while I go to explain matters to the Vicar, mind you keep your oye open for dangerous occupations and amusements.” With this the officials separated. . **T hope Mr. Jenxrys will be satisfied!” said the Mayor to him- self ; and then he added more brightly, ‘‘ one thing is certain, the new Act rendering it penal for anybody todo anything dangerous will give the authorities lots of work !” UN-CLASSICAL CONSTRUES. Dear Poncn, Tue Governor always says I’m to make ‘my classics useful. Don’t 1? Look here. What but Obstruction was Vinci thinking of when he wondered— “ Quid tantum Oceano properent se tingere Soles Hiberni, vel quw tardis mora noctibus obstet.”’ Anglicé—** Why are the sons of Hibernia in such a hurry to show themselves at sea, or why all this obstruction in our late sittings ? ”’ And here, from Hoxace, is a crumb of comfort for Channel pas- sengers— ‘s Non si male nunc, et olim Bic eris.”"— Odes, II. x. “Tf ill this passage, that ’s no reason you should be sick next.” Tuus semper, Animosvus Inrans. OUR SIGNS OF SPRING. (Not the “ Locksley Hall” ones.) Iw the Spring the fierce North-Easter strikes a chill in many a breast : In the Spring the hardy Briton buys himself another vest : In the Spring coughs, colds, bronchitis, do their office of disaster : In the Spring a young man’s bosom finds relief in mustard plaster ! Tae Artiriciat Proprerion or Diamonns.—Abortive.

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aa. HA HI ! me i] if aa wi Nia) hit iil| { | = ————e S—S———= ee ee ae le ei ¥ Ny " i « Qibitt at al! 9 OR THE LONDON C i ARIVARI. =... cH 13, 1&80, DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.—-2. THE ART-CRITIC. Prigshy (contemplating his friend Maudle’s last Picture). ‘‘TH® HEAD OF ALEXIS I8 DISTINCTLY DIVINE ! RANGE OF ANCIENT, MepiavaL, OR MopEeRN ART, RECALL ANYTHING QUITE 80 FAIR AND PRECIOUS ; Nor can J, IN THE WHOLE UNLESS IT BE, PERHAPS, THE HeaD OF THAT sUPREMEST Masterpiece oF Greek Scutptcaan, Taz ILYSSUS, wHEeREoF INDEED, IN A CERTAIN GRACIOUS MODEL- LING OF THE LOVELY NECK, AND IN THE SUBTLY DELECTABLE CURVES OF THE CHEEK AND CGIN, IT FAINTLY, YET MOST EXQUISITELY, REMINDS ME!” Chorus of Fair Enthusiasts (who still believe in Prigsby). How rrveltii” You Know !!! ‘*On, yas—vEs !—or coursE!—truoe ILYSSUS! |—1n THE Evcin MARBLEs, ALWAYS READY To LEARN, AND DEEPLY IMPRESSED RY THE EXTENT OF PaiGsBy’s INFORMATION, OUR GALLANT FRIEND THE CoLONEL TAKES AN EARLY OPPORTUNITY OF VISITING THE BaitisH MusgzuM, IN ORDER TO sTUDY THE Heap AND Neck OF as MOLTKE ON MICHAEL. It may seem difficult to pick | | a hole in the dignified, sen- sible, and splendidly short speech delivered on the Army | Bill by Count Von MottxeE to the German Parliament. Bat have we not a weak point here :— “Hes the German MICHAEL ever drawn his sword except to protect his skin.” In invading Denmark did the German Micnaet draw bis Sword to protect his own skin, or strip off his neigh- | bour’s ? Was not the Danish side clearly the side of Micnar. in that business, and the German as manifestly the other side? Did not Victory attend the big battalions, and | was not Micuart the Van- quished ? Nevertheless, on the whole, Count MotTKe’s speech beats anything that has ever been heard in the » Pestiement of | A i HW Hi" ] ‘ « i Whi Wl MTN RO te id) Teen ~ SF ao # is, = : Mat MN iti pul an | ii HK] E TLYSSUS | ! i} Willi WW Wt ay NW | mn I’ — | he said. the United Kingdom since the Duke of WeLitincton. What a blessing it would be if every Member would imitate the great German strategist in brevity. Then we should have a House of Commons of which it would not be true to vd that all the principal speech- |makers are more or less | Our Representative. A KINDLY and learned Critic | was trying to account for the | failure of a certain Comedy. ‘* It was a matter of opinion,” ** Some liked it, some didn’t. Laudatur ab his——” | ‘““Ah,” interrupted Our | Representative, “then that hiss must have been horribly ironical.” The subject dropped. THorovGHiy PracticaL.— | The real elevation of the Drama Tue Saarpest or Suarp Paracrice,—That of the Oxford and d Cambridge at the Haymarket :— Putting Crews for the University Boat-Race. | the Pit 4 the Gallery.

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worl . ‘ = : ae as mara ia A ‘S \ \ \ NY MO —— POF hoy ‘THE BANDITS.” (SENSATION-SCENE FROM THE EUROPEAN MELODRAMA.)

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Manon 13, 1880.] DUET. (BY TWO PERSONS OF QUALITY.) First Person of Quality. Your Grace, we have important information— Sing hey, the silly Liberal that you are !— About a certain intimate relation Between the artful Afghan and the Czar. Sing hey, the artful Afghan, The crafty, treacherous Afghan, The sneaking, dangerous Afghan and the Czar! Second Person of Quality. My Lord, in your romantic vein you’re speaking— Sing hey, the wily Hebrew that you are !— We don’t believe there’s any kind of sneaking Between the virtuous Afghan and the Czar. Sing hey, the virtuous Afghan, The well-intentioned Afghan, The harmless, truthful Afghan and the Czar! First Person of Quality. Your Grace has not a spark of patriot feeling— Sing hey, the factious Radical you are!— Or you’d know we cannot letters be revealing, That touch a friendly Potentate, the Czar. (Con expressione.) Sing hey, the friendly Monarch, The much-respected Monarch, Our best of foreign relatives, the Czar! Second Person of Quality (con furia). My Lord, we give you fair and timely warning— Sing hey, the Tory criminal you are !— We'll talk to the Electors, one fine morning, About the ill-used Afghan and the Czar. (Lagrimando.) About the ill-uséd Afghan, The much malignéd Afghan, The loyal faithful Afghan and the Czar! THE WRONG MAN IN THE WRONG PLACE. ‘‘ NEVER give your reasons,” was a wise diplomatist’s advice. The Dean of Westminster would have done well to bear this in mind before he gave his reasons for declining to grant the prayer of Mr. ForpHam’s petition against the erection in the Abbey of the monument to the Prince ImpeRiAt. It is the first time we have seen Dean Sran ey figuring in a mess —a military mess, too, and the figure he cuts is not edifying, parti- a tackling that standing dish in most messes, Lambie pie. Of we have not often seen a larger helping than that served to the Dean by the niece of Tuomas Cartyir, who has informed the Dean that she appended, at her uncle’s request, her uncle’s sig- nature to Mr. ForpHAm’s petition, on which the Dean, unluckily, fastened as a forgery. He may rely upon it, not only that Tuomas CaRLYLE’s signature was genuine, but that the five thousand names which accompanied it, and which he injudiciously attempted to dis- credit, represent the common sense and right English feeling of the vast majority of those whom the Dean is accustomed to respect, and who are accustomed to respeet the Dean. It is never too late to mend—a _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL __ 117 es ee a mistake. Till we see the Prince Imperial’s statue in our National Valhalla, we will not believe that Dean Sran ey is not intelligent enough to see that he has misread public feeling, and courageous enough to own it. WAIFS FROM THE WATER-BUTT. To-day’s haul. ‘* Companies which have only pecuniary gain for their object, may continue to provide a commodity so polluted by organic matter as to be unfit for drink- ing or cooking.’’— Times, Is that the Analytical Chemist in the cistern ? Why does this coffee taste of gasworks ? Ah! Here comes the Doctor with the antidotes ! I would prefer the soup without the Bacteria, Why does the Water Company evade the provisions of the Poisonous D: Act ? I am afraid the Teetotaller will not get through the night. It is extremel wey to feed the pig on Apollinaris. I never saw gold-fish look so ill. his paper is a summons for the water-rate. : - symptoms you describe are of a distinctively typhoid cha- racter. You may show in the Coroner. To-morrow’ s, ‘But the Water Trust will fail signally to realise expectations if it does not make a great change for the better. The ratepayers will demand at its hands pure water for household pu os, and a supply abundant enough for all the exigences of the largest city in the world.’’— Zimes. This is the best cascade on the terrace. I have sent the whole of the champagne to the Lunatic Asylum. Is that the Soda- Water Manufacturer in the Bankruptey Court ? Why does the filter-maker jump off Waterloo Bridge ? I never saw the ‘l'eetotaller in better condition. The Duke’s Wedding-breakfast must have been a great success— with such a pump! It is quite pleasant to see the death-rate steady at 13°01 per 1000. What do you say to seven warm baths a week ? Ah! here is the good old Water-Rate Collector. Heaven bless him! A NOBLE OFFER. Srr,—I am informed that Dr. Ricnarpson is still at a loss in what way to utilise the invaluable collection of old wines left in his trust, for scientific purposes, by the late Sir Water TREVELYAN. re there need be no difficulty in finding men of science able and willing to make the necessary experiments to solve all the really interesting questions on which light is likely to be thrown from the Wallington cellar. Should the fiduciary of this embarrassing trust be really as anxious to —e— it as he is re- ported to be, he may readily hear of gentlemen willing to make all needful sacrifices tohelp him. In our University Clubs and Cathedral closes, our Rectories and our Common Rooms, such devoted votaries of science still abound. They should be sought out, and, under proper scientific supervision, should be invited to undertake the experi- mental testing of, say, a dozen or so apiece of these curious old alcoholic and vinous compounds. Dr. Ricaaxpson would then be in a position, by comparison and careful diagnosis of the different testing processes and their results, to judge of the effects of the alcoholic poison in these interesting examples. Pending this practical test, many of our cloth still cling to the antiquated notion, that it is in the abuse rather than in the use of wine that the alcoholic poison- germs are to be sought. I remain, Sir, yours obediently, A Country Recror (Old, high, and dry). P.S.—I feel bound to prove the sincerity of my self-devotion by volunteering to begin myself on a dozen of the oldest Trevelyan port ; and therefore enclose my ecard for Dr. Ricuanpson’s informa- tion—‘ Rey. Barpotrpn Binser, Soakum-in-the-Clay, Dampshire.” A Nursery Rhyme for the Time. Scenz—A Foundry. Stacks of Scrap Iron in background. The Cylinders and Girders for a great Viaduct are being taken from their moulds, to have “lugs” burnt on. Enter Suasumen & Cuasuen, Contractors, They sing. Arn—“ Pat a Cake, Pat a Cake, Baker’s Man !”’ Pourry crack, putty crack, Moulder’s man, Paint on the bolt- as neat as you can ; Burn on a “ lug” or two, mark it with “ Pay,” And so build a bridge cheap that’s bound to give way. ————— —_-—-— —— aa

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcn 13, 18380, WHERE’S THE MYSTERY ? FARMERS COULD LIVE THEN. Value of Produce :—Oats. 17+. 6d. per qr. ; Barley, 23s. 6d. per qr. ; Wheat, 13s. 67. per bag ; Cheese, 42s. 6d. per cwt. FARMERS CAN’T LIVE Now. Value of Produce :—Oats, 26s. per qr. ; Barley, 45s. per qr. ; Wheat, 24s, per bag ; Cheese, 80s. per cwt. “THEY ORDER THESE THINGS BETTER IN FRANCE.” Iy Paris M. Brisson has been making a model speech on re-election as President of the Budget Committee. He had some delectable bonbons to offer to the French Chamber and the French Nation. Listen, Mr. Jonn Buty! Taxes to the amount of 110,000,000 francs remitted during the last four years. Surpluses, nevertheless, accruing to the tune of 245,000,000 francs. Liberal portions of these surpluses devoted to such homely, useful, and pacific purposes as country roads, school buildings, postal and telegraphic reforms. 110,000,000 franes still to be appropriated. Fortunate France! There was a time when, on this side of the Channel, similar agree- able statements could be published, year year, by an English Finance Minister to the English Parliament and people. '. —— will such a happy time return? Not, we suspect, this taster. _It is Lent, so perhaps this comparison between England and France, though mortifying, may not be unseasonable, nor, let us hope, unprofitable. The longest jour maigre must have an end. A TRUE BILL. “Riewt you are, Brit!” —or, we should say, Dr. WitLiaM Howarp Russert, when you say in your piece justificative of Monday, March 1 :— _“I do not believe he (Sir Ganwer) really supposes that soldiers who com- mit offences, and find they cannot be flogged, come up to report their offences to the Civil Powers, and to insist on being put in prison.” When the British soldier degrades himself to the level of a cowardly garrotter and a wife-beater, he should be treated by military authority as one of Queen Bess’s own recalcitrant Bishops would have been treated by that excellent woman, ‘‘ un- frocked”—or to apply it in a military sense, ‘‘ un-uniformed’”’— and then delivered over to the tender mercies of the Cat. Floggin is abolished, as the rule, in the Army, but it should be resto for exceptional cases, or the soldiers who have subjected hapless civilians, male and female, to gross brutality, should be drummed- out and at once delivered over to the civil power for a dose of the Cat-’o-nine-tail: ur encourager les autres, Bad men bring discredit on any system, civil or religious, to which they may belong; but that system should have it in its power to bring them out and deal with them summarily and—sufliciently. The Daily Telegraph, of course, backs its own BIL; and so the ~ Ey = may be considered as still labouring under an attack rn} “ q Hy LADIES IN DIFFICULTIES. WE often hear Materfamilias complaining that good servants are not to be had. No wonder desperate Mammas in quest of a treasure in the nursery have grown so humble that they are glad to come down even to the Upper Ten! Here is a case of abject humility from the advertising columns of the D. 7. :— V ANTED, in a Gentleman’s Family, a Superior Person as UPPER- NURSE. Must be a good Needlewoman, able to cut out and make children’s clothes. A Lady not objected to, providing she does not object to carry an Infant.—Address, &c. Poor Lady !—the advertiser, we mean—not the “‘ Superior Person.” And here is another case (picked out of the same widely-spread channel for wants), in which the poor advertiser is actually reduced to seek a Nursemaid among the very abject class in which gover- nesses are usually looked for! NUSsEMAID WANTED, about 18, for Two Children, six-and-a-half and four. Thoroughly domesticated, useful at her needle, and to teach piano.— Address —— Street, Grosvenor Square. Can anything show real distress more strikingly than this! Close to Grosvenor Square, too !

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Marca 13, 1880.] PROPOSED EPITAPH FOR THE)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 119

1 PRESENT PARLIAMENT. BY SIR W. LAWSON. (Apropos of Mr. Cross’s Water Bill.) Here ReEposes a Parliament Of Conservative Taster, which, BRED upon BEER, Endeavoured to support its Constitution by an appeal to BritisH Spirit and IMPERIAL - ‘neuen an in its Seventh Year too WATER, and Diep! ‘*Caput Apri defero, r ; ys Reddens Laudes Domino!” | Siar hipaa ae . 3 4 Wren be WAL yg ; Tue St, Gothard Tunnel is com- 7) ee ae jleted! Let the bore of Mont Cenis }, uy ide its diminished hole! The bore of St. Gothard is admitted to be the biggest bore in the world, and it iS ie /\ unites several great countries! The is Alps could not resist it. Only let

your bore be,big enough, and what "\ ie" ml yi! can stand against its penetrative ! | power? Yes, the St. Gothard Tun- | | ie Pea a nel is the Apex Aprorum—the Bore’s \) ee yy Head par excellence—the crown and} \' |! N\ ae climax of that most widely extended | || /' }} Ib: ae Uh) and most formidable of zoological) ‘| \ yg Ny f HT Jj genera, the genus Aper ! 4

IF YOU WOULD BE 80 OBLIGING. “Weather Authorities prophesy that NO the coming Spring will be mild, and not characterised by the periodic gales we are at present experiencing.” AMERICAN papers, please copy.

THE ALPS IN AN UPROAR. Tae great European chain of mountains, of whose links one of the largest is Mount St. Gothard, becomes, during a thunderstorm, according to Lord Brron, endowed with the power of speech. Teste poeta :— “ Par along, From peak to peak, the rattling crags among, Leape the live thunder! Not from one lone cloud. But every mountain now hath found a tongue, And Jura answers, through her misty shroud, Back to the joyous Alps, who call to her aloud!” What the Alps on this occasion told Jura, and what was the reply made by Jura to the Alps, the witness to this conversation between them has left unrecorded. However, if, as he tells us, the sips can talk, we may be quite sure that some of them must have had something to say on the opening last week of the St. Gothard Tunnel ; that being te second eye which engineering skill has drilled through an Alpine aiguille. This second triumph of human ingenuity and enterprise over the natural forces of refractory rocks was more than enough to make the Alps ery out. Of course, with one accord, they exclaimed, ‘‘ Bored again! But what of that, when the thoroughfare, so enormous a bore to us, is an advantage of proportional magnitude to Europe and the world? Huzza for = tunnel of Mont St. Gothard! Huzza for the tunnel of Mont nis ! The giant mountains then gave three cheers for Mont St. Gothard and three for Mont Cenis, with one cheer more; in which Mont Cenis and Mont St. Gothard heartily joined.

Sors ror THE CzArn.— Utere Loris. rT Bry ; by da 708 wsibacloel bn dcloadasah <7 er. AWN

ACCOUNTING FOR TASTES. ’Rus Driver (to Regular Rider). ‘‘ You ’#an THRM ’ERE FoRRINERS ON THE KNIFEBOARD, Sir? AIN’T IT WONDERFUL As THEY DON’T GET TineD O' JABBERING AWAY LIKE THAT THE ’OLE JOURNEY |—AND WoT AN JNTELLIGIBLE Worp From Fust to Last/”

PUTTING IT THE OTHER WAY. Toucuine the extradition of a certain fugitive, demanded by the Russian Government on the charge of having fired the mine intended to blow up the Czar on the Moscow Railway, that pryet modern ‘* Master of the tences,”’ Vicror Huco, has published an appeal to the Government of France in the following compendium of concise propositions :— “You are an honest Government. You cannot give up this man. You cannot; the law is between you and him. And above the law there is right. Despotism and Nihilism are two monstrous aspects of the same fact, which is a political fact. Extradition laws stand still before political facts. laws all nations observe; France will observe them. You will not give up this man.”’ To this obtestation the authorities invoked might with more foree reply—‘‘ Yes, we are an honest Government. We cannot reft to give up this man. The law is behind us, not before him. Above the law there is justice. Murder and treason may be two distinct aspects, political and social, of the same crime. The political crime does not cancel the social. Extradition laws take cognizance of social crimes. Those laws all nations ought to respect. France will respect them. We certainly shall surrender this runaway, on sufficient prima facie evidence of his criminality.”

‘*Bic Itur ad Astra.” Tue two following paragraphs may be read in the same number of the Guardian :— “St. Petersburg.—Clergymen of; “ Wanted, an Assistant-Chaplain foreign faiths have received threaten- | for St. Petersburg. Apply to, &.” ing notices, warning them that their churches will be blown up.”

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120 VARL. [Marcn 13, 1880, ‘ LOCAL OPTION. Captain of Cl,de Steamer (to Stoker, as they sighted their Port). ‘‘ Stack AWEE, Donal’, SLACK AWRE"’—(he was interested in the Liquors sold)—‘‘ THEY ’RE DRENCKEN HAURD YENOO!!”’ LONDON CHARI SMELLING A RAT. Jones, Jingo-smitten, leaves the ancient ranks, And straightway eee Pharisaic thanks That Ae’s an Englishman, whole-soul’d and hearty, And not, like some old friends, the Slave of Party. Well, Jonxs, a man by conscience driven to part From long-loved ranks, will feel some pangs of heart, Nor, ass-like, lift his heels against old masters, Or bray forth triumph at his friends’ disasters. You pose as patriot-martyr, my good Jonzs! A patriot voice is tested by its tones, As trees - fruits; your tones are sour, thrasonic, And spiced with spite, invective’s finest tonic. You love the old cause yet? Well, truth to tell, That passion you dissemble passing well. Urgent indeed must be the inward pricking Of love that takes so much delight in kicking! A soldier who from the old — falls out Will searcely at his comrade’s blunders shout ; A rat, who leaves a ship that’s sprung a-leak, May, when he thinks her sinking, raise a squeak Of selfish rat-rejoicing. Comes the question— Ah, Jingo-Jones, pray em | the suggestion !— If kicking ancient friends and old foes patting Can lend a patriotic grace to—Ratting ! ‘CUM GRANO SALIS.” We hear that the divine Saran has obtained per- mission from the Worshipful ery ! of Salters to place their Motto over the door of her Exhibition in May next—“‘ Sal sapit omnia.” Anglice—‘“‘ Saran brings taste to everything.” ‘* 4 MIGHTY MAZE, BUT NOT WITHOUT A PLAN.” Tuere is one line in Worpsworta’s poem, The Tables Turned, which the Poet would never have written could he have foreseen the constant growth of the South Kensington Museum— ‘* Enough of Science and of Art.” Tae New Dean.—The Priwe Mrytster has made an excellent ‘‘ use” of Sarum—pace those members of the High Church party who feel Ryled at the appointment. A CURACY ON CASTORS. Here, from the columns of the Field, a more appropriate channel than the Guardian, the Record, or any of the more exclusive clerical organs, is what may be a called a ‘“‘ sporting offer” for a curate, which ought to attract a rush of applicants. We have seldom seen the recommendations of a curacy to a young man of high tendencies, ecclesiastical and social, more temptingly and tellingly piled up than they are in this model advertisement :— 1 JANTED, a Gentleman, an earnest-minded Churchman of expe- rience, as CURATE for the Parish Church of , Cheshire. Daily matins, weekly celebration, eastward position; salubrious climate, pretty | neighbourhood, good society. Last three Curates left for preferment within | the past two years. Liberal stipend offered.—Address “ The Rector,’’ ——, Cheshire. Well may the site of this curate’s aradise be Cheshire. Sucha berth is indeed, in every sense, ‘* the cheese.’’ UNPAROCHIAL PARTIES. Mr, Poncnu, ’Oner’d Sir,—As a starnch Conservative, pleeze alow | me for a moment to Call your Attention to the mistake of a word some of the Horgans of the Conservative Press is in the Abit of aplyin to the Pollytics of them Adwanced Libberals as goes in for Noninterwention with Foring Afares and Peece at enny Price. They calls em that name in the Sence of a opperoberous Ixpression, whereas it trewly sinnifies the werry Ighest possibel RKispectability. Meanin to stigmatize and not recommend the Vews and Conduct of them Unenglish and Unpateriotic indiwidgials they ’re continiall a callin of ’en “ Porochial.” Sir, in the hinterest of the Britis Dixonary I beseach you to remonsterate with them there well meanin but dredful Iliterit Serybes agin the orrible perwersion and Miss Use they ignerantly makes of a of Speach onderstood by hevery rite- minded Party as the most Important cqor et of Aprobation in the Hole of the Abuv Vollume. Not to ide my ed under the coverlead of an enonymous Co-Respondent, I remane, Onnerd Sir, yure ever faithfull, dutyfull, and obegent Umble Servent, boath porochially and pussonally, BuMBLE. P.S.—I allways considerd ‘‘ Porochial” and ‘‘ Conservative” as I’ve eard a Scollard call ’em Conwertible Turms, But peraps our Frends meens it for Sattire. Wanted a Phenix. This appears in the D. 7. :— EQUIRED, a LADY IN WAITING, of pleasing manners, appear- ance, and address, for an invalid gentleman. She must be strong, | active, rather tall, a good walker, amiable, and accomplished, music and singing. One accustomed to rise early. A greed for salary not desirable.— Address, &e. Pleasing manners, appearance, and address, strength, activity, a good height, a graceful walk, amiability, accomplishments, music and singing, the habit of early rising, a soul above money !—the Gentle- man who requires all this is not easily satisfied. But surely if there be? such a paragon, she can hardly be ‘‘in waiting for an invalid | Gentleman!” She must have been snapped up bya healthy Gentle- | man as a wife of ten thousand long ago, LOCAL OPTION. (As deduced from Sir Wilfrid's Meeting at Cambridge.) Leavine the Guildhall, or having one’s head punched by irate Publicans and rowdy Gownsmen. AN EXAMPLE OF CONTEMPT. Tue House of Commons has taught Mr. Grissexr that it is not to be trifled with. May the anti-obstructive Resolution of the House teach Obstructive Irish Gentlemen the same lesson. @@ To Comunsrompuwts.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to ac: knowledge, return, stamped and directed envelope af ea yor In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by @ should be kept.

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Marcu 20, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 121

ADOLPHUS ON THE BOAT-RACE. [The Oxford and Cambridge Boat-Race will be rowed at 7.50 a.m. this year !] AT, tat, tat, tat! Was that a rat, or somethin’ in the skirtin’ there ? go repeatin’ this in eve iece you ever play after- wards. (Winks confidentialls end emphaticnlly.) Just take it from me, asa pal. (Great applause.) 1t don’t want the Wizard of the North to tell you that you can do the cleverest trick in the world just once too often,

wh) Wty , and that very few tricks bear repeating to the same Ay! | | Or ry; panes Lo. uel audience. Ast, don’t make any mistake, it is the same "f Ae P'waps was a dweam. ‘There ain't a| Soe of nvr tenn on tee Poeun ieee, om the ! i | . ad . use, < ; 5 ip gleam of lightcomes through the) What does this study of points | "the favourite Artist ¥" Why, p —— 4~ and ~- _ larks,—-I mean i e is spoilt by popularity. en i a part,, Ret doce he do with hy, he looks at it to see where his bits of fat are ! ughter.) He is at it like a City man with a basin of soup, goes for the green fat. (Laughter.) The green ny be is the spoilt favourite’s points. UR ~~ ere. yy "y Aw—am, oh rg ren pane ) \, Fm VY or time for get- ae < my «Tap, tap, tap! Eh? What’s that| (Za af ~ you say? It’ssix o’clock. Well, { Ye . what o’ that? Between SF 4, —= Six) ’clock—aw right! Jus’ so, | these points he does pom and leaves the character to = Goo’ night! It’s time you were | take care of itself. (Cheers.) 0’ course the Press and the in bed, I think! public praise ’eos they only catch the points Roostin’ early makes hair curly, Fine | and probably they come down heavy on the poor devil old crusted motto that! of an Author for not havin’ given Spe enough to do— What d’ye say? It’s Boat-Race | though, of course, this wouldn’t be of no manner o’ con- sequence to an Actor who says to himself, ‘If I ain’t my usual fakements in this piece, Y’ll have ’em in next, and pick it up that way.” eg ’s the sort o’ Ges J Rang 4 pipw, on wish guard you against. avouri Fae neue deem cana saske a 0 _ ver er, maybe — who’s learnt a lot ’o tricks, and don’t get his grub till he’s done’em. (Great and enthusiastic applause.) Now, for goodness sake, don’t any of you Gents—I mean Gentlemen, drop into this error. If you do Sen, Seg vem a time you won’t be in it. You'll be little Jack in the cart—(laughter)—and left there. cut pet Epmunp Kean—lI mean the Actor that we ’ve Y oh “ Da ou ain’t quite right in Cat I think ! . - Bang, bang, bang, bang! in ? Oh hang! Just when a ffir, snoozin’ off! This is too bad! No sleep I’ve had—eh? What the doose the matter now ? Down the River? Makes one shiver just to think of cruisin’ off So late at night. You must be tight, or mad as any hatter now! Drum, drum! Oh lor! You'll smash that door! You seem to mean your knocks for ’t, man! FE What? Early purls and jolly girls? Oh yaas, an’ nice dishevelled beaux. Gurr! You may shout. I won’t turn out, for Cambridge or for Oxford man! Don’ carearap! Goo’ night, ol’ chap! Come to breakfas’—devilled bo—

: ken of as the great Epmunp Kean—I 've read [Left snoring: This that he tried the euntimental telsk once too often. One night the public, who wouldn’t be taken HINTS FOR A NEW AND ORIGINAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. |in any more, hi him,— po | i him,—and Cuarren X as he came off at the wing he said to a pal—a friend : standing by, ‘‘D-mme, Jack, they ’ve found me out Heads of Lecture :—Introduction—Point—Points—Supposing—Press—Critics | at last!” That’s a pretty strong order, Gents—eh ? —Public— Established Favourite — Fatal Error — Authors — Flare-up—|(Applause.) You won’t hear anywhere better advice Advice — Trick — Carelessness — Fat — Real Turtle— Edmund Kean—|than you’ve had from me this morning, don’t make Important — Runs— English language — Decoration— Expense — Behind — | any error. Before—Time up—Farewell Announcement. tlemen, do your yery, very utmost to put down Proresson Davip JAmMEs may be expected to address his class thus :— re ram hey ‘v0 destructive of Dramatic Art. ear, hear!”) 1 wouldn’t run a piece more than Gents all—I mean Gentlemen—I come before you as your own partic—— ay nights at most, if I had whic I should say your own Professor, to lecture on certain particular subjects. It’s just this, you see. I’m free and out-spoken, I am; there ain’t none of the flowery about me. I mean, Gents—that is, Gentlemen—that what I have to say be right straight to the point—regular rumbo, and no mistake. “Rumbo,” Gentlemen, is a technical term, implyin’ ‘correct card,” “ all right,” ‘‘no deception, no spring, or false bottom,” ‘‘no kid about it,” and so forth. (‘‘ Hear! hear oh I said, Gents—I mean Gentlemen—that I was comin’ straight to the point. ‘‘ Point” will be my first subject in this lecture. Most Actors think they ought to study points just like a chap on a railway line. Don’t make any bloomin’ error, there ain’t a bigger mistake made by a “* Pro,”—I mean a Professional,—than this very identical one about *‘points.” Take this bit of advice, not as from a Professor sort o’ chap, but from your own particular pal—I mean quite in a friendly ye (Apeteess.) Supposin’, Gentlemen, as any one of you was already in the profession, and made your mark in one part; supposing that thereupon the Press—good fellows, per but not to be kootoo’d to on any account—supposing that the Press has praised you up to the flies—as they will do if they once make up their minds to it, bless you—supposing that they declare there never was such a genius, an Artist—as you,—and all on account o’ this one performance 0’ this one then mind you take the test care in future to avoid ever part resembling the one in which you’ve been so pre (Applause. The Lecturer resumes, with a confidential wink at the audience.) mt you go having any “‘ companion picturs ” to it done for you. (Shakes his head with an air of deguet.) It don’t do. I tell’ee it don’t do. (Cheers.) en Pp have got a new pat which is in every respect different from the old ’un, don’t you make the fatal error of gettin’ the Author to write it up by introducin’ the very ‘“‘ Jack Simmily,” as the gal said, of the points where you’ve made your hits in the first piece. (Applause.) You know what I mean—if you ’ve made one great success with a burst of passion, a big speech, and a — dash out of an exit—flare-up no end, in fact—don’t you insist on paving t same sort 0’ business written in for you in every other piece, but (forcibly) you have it cut out if it’s in; and if you’ve thrilled an audience with a bust of sentiment—I don’t mean the upperarf of a statue when I say bust,” but a genuine gushing-out, broken-voice ring, knock- utterly heart-broken business—and drawn tears from their eyes, then don’t you a theatre of my own, I should call the St. David James’s. One down, t’other come on, is my motto. A reg’lar merry-go- round o’ variety. An Actor wants a change of dramatic diet to keep him fresh, and in good form. (App/lause.) You can’t be too careful in s ’ on the stage, which should be the best school of instruction for students of the English lingo,—real straight-for’ard Saxon and no rley-vooing. (Applause.) That ’s me, George! PGreat applause.) In your professional career, Gentlemen, let your motto be ‘‘ give and take.” Playfair. A true dramatic artist, bless you, he’ll be more pleased to assist, by close study and careful performance, the general excel- lence, and contribute his little quantum to the harmony of the evening—I mean, of the entire picture, than he will be by having his character painted out in glaring colours, which ’ll catch the eye and be good enough for the exhibition of his own personal and peculiar ts, but which ’ll be quite out of the picture, and be a knock-on-the-head for everybody else engaged ruund; or, to quote the words of a dramatic high art cove, ‘‘It will be utterly destructive of what was ori y a well-considered combination.” (Prolonged and enthusiastic aggfouse.) Gents all, I’ve come to the end of the chief subjects of this morning’s Lecture re) before retiring gracefully from the scene, I should j like to say a word on stage decoration and the front of wee Mastide ions xpense, either for salari no é , either for salaries, or for furniture, or scenes, or p ies. Go it, emphatie- ally go it. Be lavish rather than penurious. Spare the , spoil the scene. Nowadays, in a Comedy tre, it’s the fashion to do away with the fiddles in front. That’s all very well in its way, but that the fiddlers are invisible ’t be an excuse for your

VOL, LXXVIII, M

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PUNCH, OR THE ; LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Marcu 20, 1880, ALL IN THE DAY’S WORK. “* On—A—JAMEs ! *“‘TaEn you must Fotuow THE Dos, James!” You CAN TAKE THE Doc ovr For A WALK.” “Ir you PLEASE, Ma’am, THE Doo won't FoLtow ME!” THE RIDDLE OF THE SPHINX; or,"an Enigmatical Career. A Lean oa Dark” “ in ar ’ being DIZZY, is now Earl of BEaconsFreLD LUX ET DUX Of the ane Party, “Manel iees pe Leet ” confident in his power “a to keep his ees F in ges dark, DIssOLUT! ION Retard the Decomposition of the pire Revive the vigour of the Constitution, and secure The reattainment of his own Majority ! Wood and Water. So the stocks of the Water Com in consequence of the breakdown “Hl intended Government, have fallen as fast and far as they rose. ~ 4 may well be called—for the Companies rm of the Cabinet both have put their feet into ’em. Sweet Girl Graduates. (See Marian Aldis’s Petition.) On Cambridge pemeues, oe a ang some, e ladies soon will When “‘ students unattached” become ‘Our girls,” and take degrees. But when in college larks and lore, With men these maids are matched, I fear though ‘*unattached” before, They ’ll soon become attached ! Tae Latest CHEMIcaL Reaction.—The British Government, insoluble in Alcohol (C2 He 0), soluble in water (H: 0), with a Sight tendency to precipitation. having a smaller number and an inferior lot, to make the audience as | had quite a dose of James’s powder. Better put | It’s near es and, after talking melancholy as a cur dog howling at a barrel-organ. (Laughter and “ No, no!”) shan’t be sorry to take your musicianers in front again, in evening togs, white chokers all | little bit o’ garbage and a shove-in-the-mouth, —I mean, a little complete, and no kid about it—I mean, no gloves necessary, except grateful refreshment for the inner man m self. for the Conductor,—than have a tinpot affair that wouldn’t earn their livelihood at a second-rate watering-place. Every little helps, as the sayin’ is, but let every little be a jolly good lot. (Loud | applause.) Now for the front of the house. Well, Sutamen, if some of you | come to be Managers, what I say is, take the front of your house into your own hands, place the refreshment-bar conveniently, but out of sight—like the orchestra—and out of hearing. Let ‘‘ No| Fees” be the absolute rule for the officials, and anyone taking a tip must there and then get the sack—I mean, be dismissed. (Ap- | plause.) The programmes must be given away free of charge, and ~~ amount of civility must not be measured by the amount paid | or it by your customers. (‘* Hear, hear /”’) Ge A fey when you can work it,—I mean, where you may have any influence, or where any one of you may be the Boss of the Show himself,—I advise that guv’nor to have a reg’lar fine picture gallery and slap- up statue-quo-ante-room, to be filled with all _ tiptop sawyers of Art that can be found in the United Kin ave your Corregios, and your ggies, and your Take-o be-afens? 8 — (applause) — your 08, os, your Canalettis and Can’t-i-lettis, Gazettis, wey © and Margatejetties (applause), | and the whole bilin’ of so that in the “ waits,” — not the musicians that keep you one e at Christmas time, but the “waits” between the —— know what I mean—which should never be | one second more than oy ma of an hour,—the audience can give | *emselves a gentle refresher in the eye, with a picture or a statue, | after having had a B. and §., or what not, at the Bar of the House. * Hear, hear !”) Gents, time’s up,—and I dare say by this you ’ve (Cheers.) Gents —I should say Gentlemen Students, here ’s luck ! morning. [Exit the Professor, proceeding ” from labour to > ame while the Students, highly pleased, retire to ponder over his admirable advice, and on the first opportunity to put it in practice. BEER AND WATER, An Election Eclogue. INTERLOCUTORS. Bune, a Bold Bacchanalian. Cross, an Amateur Aquarius. —_ Back you? Why, bless your barnacles, dear boy, 0 back ng friends of Bacchus i | my joy. Cross. Thanks, 8, my =. you would ; But still your stout assurance ae me good. NorTHcore was right; your craft is ancient, glorious ; And “i your aid we ’re bound to be victorious. — Ah! I should think so. But, say, look here, one , yer water-games ! You stick to beer! Twig Well, ahem! I’ve some slight inkling—yes, Cross. My Water Bill was hardly a success, No bottles ? Bung. No bottles, my dear boy! a, Oh! at means no good—slang patter, don’t yer know. Cross, = = =

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——s Manon 20, 1880,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 123 TO COVERT WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSET STAGHOUNDS. Driver of Tandem (to ancient Rustic, on for the doy at the toll-bar). ‘‘ How mucn |” Rustic puts on spectacles, takes up the board, and reads :—‘‘ ‘For ont Hons, Pony, Mus, on Donkey, rs CarT OR CARRIAGE, Sixpence. For 5 ‘AIR OF Horses, &c., ke, One SaILLING. '—( Soliloguises. -* Tian’r ONE, FOR 'TI8 MORE THAN ONE; AND *TIsN’T A Park, AND YET ’TIs A Parr, LONGWAys. S’posE us say ‘ HAaAv’ 1?” Gem. Ah! ah! A pretty idiom. Ben’s a trump! Bu “But don’t you goa pottering with the pump. No good comes out o’ that. Of course I never cant to compel—— Of course not. Far too clever ! ae lar ’ot Pod wenng! eh? and so, drop it, you wind up. J know. "Tan the fust time as Water’s caused dissolving. Cross. I like your wit. But it was facts involving I interestse—at least Ben says so— That ot shorten our last Session’s days so. You’ve read } his manifesto ? Havel? Rather! ~/. don’t he just know how to froth the lather ? “t slightly mo y ve imag Loa mal men of wade and lending sa —and Smiru, thes breeding c would never follow—no !— Figger oh be blowed ! {like the sso in which MF Bad» I pe ahs yee Sy = Ik. 8 says t’s the ta techeee guns all'f foes to trounce, And let ’em have your wright to the last ounce Straight from shoulder. Azz BeLasco never Hit half as hard as Ben, or sparred as clever ; cro Ad Aix was no bad bruiser, was he ? Mr.—the gentleman of whom you tell— Was——? Bung. A smart Ikey Pug, though to Jack RawpaLt He proved to be not fit to hold a candle. But Ben’s a ! Cross. alee fant 80. He is, he is—at least I’m sure I trust Bung. But what’s hie ere about ‘ Consolidating “Go-operation ”? Hope ’tain’t nought relating To dashed Stores ? Gus, Oh dear me, no. E That ’s right. bat als and fads, and on ~- we a fight. Marit Lal Hop-ahrant Rot (Feat it Laval Hop-aban ot bad cheese ?) ae omen we gpecere— mans that otal werry name makes pane gio an yellow. ae Wrap Lawson humbug! § e a clearance Of all the schemes for interference y~ dy. tat, ot Sas stick to Beer Bungs’ Il pull you through, no fear! OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. (At the Court Theatre and the Prince of Wales's.) Mr. Wiison Barnett, Lessee and Manager of the Court Theatre, is to be congrat on having produced a really interesting Five-Act Play, The Old Love and the New, written by an American Mr. Bronson Howarp. Mr. ALbExy has “ adapted it for pains nage am ll Each of the first three Acts ends with a telling dramatic si The fourth would be wearisome but for the apenas gevnn af te Commas, wie cose 5 throngs Siete hantly. The truth seems to be, that the audience is, from first to fast, interested in the hero of the Author’ uthors reation, J:hn Stratton, through Mr. CoaHian’s master] character, but never sympathisce with either the A mtation of the character,

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124 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mancu 20, 1880.

Md MLL TTP) | | A Coe THE CARDINAL VIRTUES.

HOW TO BECOME A GRAIN OF THE COL- LECTIVE WISDOM. (Notes for the Use oy Brand-New Candidates, by an Expe- rienced Outsider.) Havine selected your Borough or County by digging at any published list of the constituencies with a pin with your eyes shut, telegraph your resolution to a local agent, take a Parliamentary ticket, and start for the next train. , On your way down read Demosthenes, taking care to fill your mouth with pebbles before suring oe to miss no opportunity of speaking on every pla you come to. Onee on the spot buy a new hat. This gives you a colourable excuse for going to the poll. The latter is generally ony be found by a voyage of discovery, and necessitates the employment of a highly-trained crew, scientific apparatus, an experi commander with a mn, and a considerable amount of lime juice. Leave all this to the agent. When, however, you have ft safely to the poll, bear in mind that the return is difficult point, as Com- mander Cuerne will admit. In the meantime try to get up the electoral steam, though, ultimately, you will probably have to trust to yout canvass. With a view to some resort to ticking. We recommend ready money. Russia duck is not to be relied on. Now address your constituents. Point out to them that you have been standing for the borough several hours. Do this significantly, and you may perhaps induce the best bred among them to offer you a seat. If they do, take it at once, and, without further delay, ps “*M.P.” on your , insist on the Railway Sompany regarding it as your return ticket, and start for town. If you arrive after midnight, knock up the Speaker who is bound to show you to your seat at all hours, for something at the for the good of the House, and, getting the Sergeant-at-Arms to stir a little mace into it, by way of giving it a flavour, ask him to call you a cab. Urge privilege when asked for your fare; celebrate i] \ i i three-and- lob- Old Parson (who had once been Curate in the Parish), ‘‘ How po YOU MANAGE mame why en oon <a. © te TO GET ON IN THESE BAD Times, Mr. JonNson ?”’ Farmer. “‘ We.L, Str, ABOUT AS BAD AS CAN BE! LAsT YEAR on Farra; THIs YEAR WE’RE A LIVIN’ IN Hope; AND NExT YEAR I’M AFRAID WE SHALL HAVE TO DEPEND ON CaAniTy !!” ster, without division; and then go to bed and toss uneasily all night, dreaming that passing through WE Livep|the agonies of Dissolution, you are paying the post- mortem penalties of corruption in the shape of the costs of a petition against your return.

One fault of the piece is the awkward way in which the quarrel between the Count de Carojac and Harold Dacre is brought about, and the weakness of its motive, which is not in any way strengthened by the Actor’s interpretation. The last two Acts, but for Mr. CooHian, would be decidedly dull. Mr. Epmunp Leatues is admirably made up as Le Comte de Carojac; but whether he is carrying out the Author’s (or the Adapter’s) instructions, or whether he is evolving a French Count from his own inner conseiousness, it must be a mistake to render ridiculous in the eyes | of the audience so seriously important a personage, and to bring him | down to a level with the exaggerated turings and grotesque | mannerism of Mr, Anson’s George Washington hipps ("' of New| York”’—may your fellow-coun en forgive you, Mr. Bronson | Howarp !—or is this the Adapter’s idea ?)—and so make him, as it! were, a rival of the low ian. That Mrs. Brown, brightly | played by Miss Wintrrep Emery, should laugh at the Count, is | right enough, and the audience should laugh at Aim only when it | laughs with Aer. Mr. Epmunp Learmes, however, redeems the | character by his gallant bearing in the fencing scene, forcibly recall- | ing the late Mr. ALFRED Wican as Chdteau-Renaud. It would be better for the piece if this French Count bore throughout a stronger resemblance to his prototype. From no point of view can much sympathy be felt for Harold mee ag to us by the Author and ae. _ Dacre, whose merit is, pty ny oy es oung Englishman in ver, rude health, he is | foil for the French Count—only the French Count wields a better foil, with which he punishes our unmannerly fellow-countryman too severely for his contemptible and cowardly — AL the +- ey before dinner too ! r. EDMUND ck, as Mr. Babbage (without his calculating machine), is good; but M. Montvillars, a Parisian Art-Critic, ; 7 doetor, should both speak English as only Englishmen can | not miss the present opportunity o

a —— their own , while the well- educated and polished Cownt is distinguished by a most marked accent, is as mysterious as the conduct of the entire party of gentle- men who suddenly leave the drawing-room for the b -room just a quarter of an hour, or so, before dinner! As a truthful illus- tration of English manners, even at an Englishman’s private house in Paris, it is about as absurd as psy . SanDou were to repre- sent Sir Jones in his own mansion in Leicester Square, saying to his ests, ‘‘ Come—dinner will not be served for another quarter of an our—let’s go and have a game of skittles!” Some r device might have struck either the American Author or the English Adapter than this for leaving Lilian and Kenyon together, in order to lead up to the challenge. Charles Westbrook, the conceited, fashionable, vain, weak, selfish, frivolous old father, is a well-imagined picture of such a type as found a more powe illustration in the father of Frou-Frou, and our old friend, Mr. Davip Fisuer, plays it admirably, except for occasional unnecessary exaggeration. But, taking it as a whole, this play cannot fail to interest and amuse ; and those who profess a rapes for the Actor’s Art should i studying Mr. CocHian as John "econ obttet to see the pieoe at the Court, I most aving advised everyone to see piece e m strongly recommend all lovers of the Dramatic Art to lose no time in seeing Miss Genzvreve Warp in her powerful impersonation of Stephanie in Forget- Me- Not. _ The piece iteclt, though vigorously written and strong in situa- tions, is far from faultless ; everybody is always ae sory to everybody else ; and there is a Corsican Paul Pry, of a type, who is perpetually appearing when he’s not wanted, and who, having the secret to tell, finally lets it out by the merest accident. —_— The Corsican Paul Pry, called Barratro, and not Paolo Priuli, as might have been ex ted, is played by Mr. Firocxton, whose e- up is simply admirable. F : . whe If the piece has the demerit of commencing with mystification, it has the great merit of gradually interesting the audience by having

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Maron 20, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 125

pplied Miss Warp with a character, in which it nid be very difficult for | &. to find a rival who a hold the audience in two intensely dramatic situa- tions, which tread so closely on each other’ s heels as to risk an anti 7 But how is it that Miss Genevieve Waxp bursts upon us with all the pyrotechnic surprise of a Diz-solution ? Did she not AL at the —. and at other theatres ? Did she not even astonish Paris as Lady Teazle in an ada) of the School for Scandal, and in Lad, ‘Macbeth, acted half in English, half in French? And Leary powertl foros te rr surprise her poweeted pemarmnenee of at the Prince of Wales’s, . essrs. MERIVALE AND Cova 8 Forget-Me-Not] pict To it’ that thees ‘Authors Warp ay, what she = *&? Is it that Stephan Stephanie, which this Actress has been performing for some months in the co t fe ee Se season at Lyceum of la | gives the best measure London has et had of Wano's talents? The part in which iss Warp has thus leapt into public favour was written for Miss Apa CavENDISH, who, for some reason or other—perhaps the age of the Machiavellian heroine —refused it; andthe Authors have been most fortunate in falling in with -y GENEVIEVE bebe who, should me never — ah any other part—thou h I cannot ' magine anything but success for her in Lady y Macbeth Constance, or Volumnia—has made her mark in this, a mark not y effaced. There are, house, two decided blots on her perform- ance—and if be corrected, the im ay ayy will be as nearly faul as possible. The first blot is this —and those who have seen the piece will know what I mean without entering into de of situation—where, expecting a reply from Sir Horace, who is silent, she exclaims, sina, oneal, - emit !” and then breaking into an artificial la’ mane repose artificial—makes her exit. le the With the lays to the eee for the first jeg tt in. the pee oad oy over-forcing and pro- longi — ae the audience an the eal exit ‘wha - int. It is an old ogo trick, which should be om an artist like Miss ARD. The second blot occurs in that situation which, as I have already said, risks an anti-climax. hang situation is this:—The man who would assassinate her, has given his promise not to turn round and look at the woman who is about to cross the room and make bo bey casage b the il She is terrified for her life, and ray te | away from the curtain at the back to the A in ye scarcel y- ae, a. her eyes fixed on the ragger “unde this strong ph ~-t-y By dy), -- under ys ear, an t her should tremble an iis tues bee Gan, natural enough, and most effective ; out When he senthte the door, hesitation should vanish in the sense relief, in a = life and hope, and she Should Fae 4 door without a moment’s pause. Instead of whic, she del at = threshold, she fondly on the panels, as if with the audience, at whom she takes a last fond Tock, as she cries out, in an oni ai 4 a ay “Saved!” and so very for there must ea conte ——- of wry gradually, fo ft behind her, which has LA, -- its slow length along before Barratro turns, and Ciayrow has said to Miss Verney, “ Wife! "which had far better be omitted and the anon. This finish of hers is sufficiently dangerous to jeopardise her tri Miss conan Wanrp’s last wees the door, to her old flame, Sir Horace, might well be—‘* When she who adores thee B... ae, lef’ but the train.” And Sir Horace, when the of w beth plea) Love and the eight, and For,

But cngiess os my BenJamin’s diction, how Though —. haul down our bunting Oh me! with what shame I now think of m I called it a-ringing the changes on rubbige and enthesilea in pattens, she wires Up! up! for the honour of England. Pra ming A In course ’tis of empire I mean—not of And pin it, a damaging Of course "ll lain, and protest, and But <= A it on ’em in *tis washed off the next morning, 8ON ne easily give some colour to these personal remarks with a little touch a 80, finished my review, I can only repeat my recommendation of «adding for the convenience of intending be play goers, that Zhe Old ot commences at twenty slonkes @rulasanaiit te de bows toh cai S te late diners and Your RerResEnTATIVE. BETSY’S BATTLE BLAST. soul’s up in my umbreller is for the fray ! y — As = a mine,” <<: tha all rbd, the \ peneh's hit right to a ’ For what ean my Brnvy do ? is he ever mis- his curls P— took, Here’s his ’ealth, and con- to all as would my sweetest of

What a letter he ’s writ to the Juke! Oh, my Ben’s ition’ could flop on on ease ot sen: ** Consolidate Co-operation”!!! ’Ow lovely, ’ow truly sublime ! My “‘ safeguarding the Empire” ain’t ar I hey though I fancied it prime. My use of the hadjective “ splendid ” T flatters ge mypelt is uneek, all other men’s language reads Then his pnt ** Ascendency” !! Ah! that’s the motter to write on our may howl about bunkum When J used Rd Se all Dammre: Co Ulan nad puke fan or ie mcnke cat hls ways! I remember one leader I wrote, which I own it were sarcy and scurvy, On much sash a ltter a tis which I laughed at and turned topey -turvy. I was but skittish young thing, and sweet Bras were then in the But now, he is top of the tree, Raper Paso bo pateiet new ith ’er ae ’er high-swellin ee teat on her tor Hr gingham “at charge,” and her eyes glaring wrath on the Ruse and the Rad, Yes, that’s the cry Disintegration !—Fine word ! ot Bar's! nefits BE a "ie black, ° _ one 8 badge, on each bragian Liberal’s 4 at the charge for to scoff, would they wrigrle it off. That’s where he’s so artful, dear boy ! Yor daub trata on one’s door, And though the world : will ha’ twigged it afore.

J He knows how to tie a tin-kettle or dishelout " have disapeared, could may, by way of tag, Wel ae To stir all the street up agen and set Tvs be fel s Ne LZ A 1 ane I bape He knows how to make his mud stick, and his dirt and his darts for to ; Fry, wight one hate fer erase, 5 A, ora Corsican Paul! And talking about “ light and leading” to fog fools with darkness and » teh it ! he shall!” might vanish down steps | ‘‘ Let in Witt1am the Woodman,” says he, “ and dread dual bogey ’ll come, at back. Piet festitig / face means effacement abroad, and the other at ome. By the way. pr pe mre Bee spoken | St. Ben for Old ! 'Tis he as the two-headed dragon will slay ; of as “ pale-faced ” So ye patriots rush to the poll, and plump boldly for Dizzy! Hooray!!! pasltiey fase Ghat me colour,” w from firet e is evidentl im the mest portost us culo crate fons Oeadoar whee eve qui onN CLAYTON, Ww e of a robustious sturdy Sir John Bull, Miss Parti-

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Pe ee ee OR Ve ahaa eerreers ie a? ae ee —2—— PUNCH, OR TH . im. aan ‘ f YOGA 1 eel ea aK wn) ' “ 7 4 oo “a “% ct CNN aoe BNIEWLOGS i494 rm. AAS aS ayy - ~ HAPPY THOUGHT! LET US ALL REI OT TAG 5 Sy | APs) PPS A ea a Ay uM ~“ di HAVE A VOICE IN THE MATTER. Noble Breeder of Shorthorns. ‘Wil, YOU ARE A SPLENDID FELLOW, AND NO MISTAKE !”’ Priz Bull. ‘‘80 woutp You BE, my LORD, IF YOU COULD ONLY HAVE CHOSEN YOUR PA AND MA AS CAREFULLY AND JUDICIOUSLY AS you chose Ming!” SCENE FROM AS YOU LIKE IT. (At the Imperial Theatre.) Dramatis PERSON ®. ToucnsTone (with cuts and gags) ‘ tay Bieht Ben. Ge Earl WILLIAM (a woodcutter) ° The Right Hon. W. E. GLADSTONE. | AUDREY (a rustic maid) . ° é BRITANNIA, Touchstone. By my troth, we that have good wits have much to answer for; we be flouting; we cannot hold. Enter Wim. William. Good even, AUDREY. Audrey. God ye good even, WILLIAM. Touchstone. Good even, Woodcutter. Is thy name Wit1lam ? William. Wrtw1aM, Sir. Touchstone. A fair name. Art thou wise ? Wiliam. Ay, Sir, I have a pretty wit. Touchstone. You do woo this maid ? William. I do, Sir. Touchstone. Art thou learned ? William. Aye, Sir. Touchstone. Then learn this of me: To have, is to have: For all your writers do consent, that ipse is he: now you are not ipse, for am ° William. Which he, Sir ? Touchstone. He, Sir, that must this woman: Therefore, you Woodeutter, abandon—which in the val. is leave,—the courting,—which in the common is, i is woman—which together is, abandon the ing of this female; or, Woodcutter, thou art undone ; or to thy better understanding, art walked atop of ; or, to wit, I over-crow thee, make thee sing small, translate th confidence into shame, thy gain into loss... I will bandy with thee in faction ; I will o’er-run thee with policy ; I will defeat thee in a hundred and fifty ways; therefore, tremble—and depart! A PATRON SAINT FOR SCIENCE. Elected, on the Pope’s recommendation, the other day, at the Vatican, by an Assembly of Papal Philosophers and Scientific Men.) Sr. Toomas Aqutnas, who was he? No fool, man. A deep medixval Divine and great Schoolman ; A Professor of Sacred Theology, famed For his learning, and Doctor Angelicus named. He discoursed of all things and some others, expounding The last-named with lucidity superabounding. As to some of the former his views were mistaken. But his method was prior to that of Lord Bacon. The old Tree of Knowledge he caused grow no fruit on, Like the crops of discov'ry commencing with Newron. Yet philosophers now, by the recommendation _ Of the Popz, are harked back upon Ais cultivation. Suppose they find out all the fruit that they ’ve gotten— NewrTon’s apple inclusive—mere or rotten ? That themselves, with the Fiend in unholy alliance, misdeeming Have been practising Magic, it Science ? How ’twill stick in your experimentalists’ gizzards, When the thought themselves wise men, to learn they were wizards ! Mechanics’ and chemistry’s miracles all Mere demons’ deceits forged to compass men’s fall ; The light named electric a wildfire designed — By the Spirits of Darkness to humbug d; Me. CrooxEs’s discovery of “‘ radiant matter,” A scheme of the former to ruin the latter. St. Thomas’s method, if duly applied, Will prove GaLILEo to’ve been a blind guide, Make out Tyypatt and Huxtey together no go, And Darwin a duffer convincingly show ;

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Manrcu 20, 1880. P \ f Wy, an i

t+ KA C

I WILL BANDY WITH THEE IN FACTION; I WILL O'ERRUN THEE WITH POLICY; I WILL KILL THEE A AS YOU LIKE IT. (?) HUNDRED AND FIFTY WAYS; THEREFORE TREMBLE—AND DEPART!” Tovucustong. “‘ THEREFORE, WOODCUTTER, ABANDON THE SOCIETY OF THIS FEMALE, OR THOU PERISHEST.

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Marcu 20, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 129

Confute all the ascertained’ facts of geology, Square Science with Faith’and the Hebrew chronology. So, unless you ’d exhibit yourself as a fine ass, You ’ll believe in and swear by St. Thomas Aquinas.

A RACE IN THE DARK, Private and Confidential, Dear Eprror, NoTuHine very new to say about the race eh? The “Blue Riband of the Thames,” and the ‘‘ Modern Isthmian Games” (Isthmus wasn’t a river, by the way, was it?) have been done to death. So I have had to fall back upon the hour. Believe me, ’ Varsities show their feather- ing best after sunrise. Yours sincerely, Your Own May, [From Mr. Punch’s Prophetic Reporter.] The light was burning brightly in the Clock Tower, as the most obstructive of the Obstructionists put on his coat, and, leaving the Government whip to keep a House, made his way towards Putney. He smiled to himself as he under the peewee | gas-lamps thought of the isappointment in store for weary Cabinet Ministers. When they rise, bedad ’twill be over!” he murmured, as he with difficulty avoided the contact of a carriage containing a youn couple returning prematurely from a small and early dance. At this moment Big Ben boomed a very small hour in the morning. = Ah, thin,” he added, springing aside nim- bly, “‘that might have been very bad, if I hadn’t been a masther in the art of Obstruec- tion.” And he hailed a Hansom, to which a new night-horse had just been harnessed. The vehicle swept along in the direction of the river, The roads were thronged with a mo crowd of patricians and plebeians. Spring carts, cabs, and cussions of every description clashed and_ collided in the gloom. The moon was veiled: not a star was visible in the sky. Here and there a coffee or a roasted-chestnut esta- blishment flung for a few feet round its ruddy glow of lighted charcoal. Occasion- ally an obliging constable would dissipate a’narrow circle of the darkness by a wink of his bull’s.eye. But, take it all in all, the | h eo be dark, dank ~~ dismal. ow an in a gentleman in evening dress would fet down the window of his brougham to ask for a paper. Then came a rush of newsboys, anxious to sell the remaining copies of the Special Edition of the Evening Standard. 1t was impossible to say who was present. The most respect- able members of society, ashamed to be found abroad at so late an hour, tried to hide their identity. An occasional glimpse might ne sane of a%canonical hat. Once even a peir of archiepiscopal gaiters seemed to twinkle through the gloom. But, as a rule, among the en, concealment was the order of the day, or rather night. The scene on the river was worthy of the Nocturnal Art of a Wuistizr; it was an arrangement in black and dark grey, with here and there a splash of red or a streak of yellow, to represent the glow of a coffee- stall or the agen | 0 oF vy Rg short, sharp puff from the chimney the splash of the paddles, or the throb of the screw, were the only indications of the 2 of a hundred-guinea steamer. police-boats could only discover the

| \\ if aaliad Wy J | | Wht i | ii 4 Ui | |. | DN) ||) md MN he / | i | i < Wh . DY WAU KIER “

MANNERS, Master George (a very naughty loy, to new French Nurse), *‘ CAROLINE, COMPRENNY-VOUS UOvatay ?” Caroline. ‘‘ Non, Monsizvn Grorezs.” Master George. *‘Quau pomMAGE! Pas un Mor?” Caroline. ‘‘Pas un Mot, Momstzve Gronozs.”’ Master George. ‘‘ ALORS APPORTY-MoI MES Botres, st YoUs PLAY, You op Beast!” whereabouts of Getrestie aaa in the University fashion—by bumping. The wonder was, ow the course was ever cl . As the hour approached for the start there was a hush all along the line, broken only here and there by a more than usually irrepressible yawn. These signs of fatigue, it was observable, came from the more aristocratic sightseers. The rest of the crowd, composed largely of artisans enjoying an unwonted diversion before commencing their day’s work, was wide-awake, and even lively. Our Obstructionist had patiently waited at Mortlake for some time when he noticed a movement amongst the bystanders. He = out his watch, and by the aid of a courteous policeman’s bull’s-eye, managed with difficulty to make out the hour. ‘ Faix,it’stoo bad! It’s almost time to to bed!” he exclaimed, Then turning to the policeman, he asked ‘“‘ When they were @?” ‘ “Is it the crews, Sir?” replied the Constable, in whom he was pleased to recognise a compatriot. ‘‘ Sure the race is over!” . : **Over—and I’ve had to pay in ey for nothing!” angrily cried the M.P. “‘ Sure ’tis just the way the Saxon always treats us?” . ‘ Curiosity, however, conquering indignation, he deigned at length to ask his fellow countryman “But tell me, which is the winner—Oxford or Cambridge ?” ** Divil a one of me knows that, Sir,” said the Constable, scratching his head. ‘‘ Nor any- body else. It was too dark entirely to see the finish! But sure, Sir, you'll be able to read all about it by-and-by in the morning papers.” . And wishing his questioner Good night, the kindly son of Erin on his round. But the Obstructionist was a determined man. His practice in the House had taught him that no man is beaten till he owns it. Within an hour he had exhausted all inquiry. Alas! his labour was in vain. He tried to find the fountain-heads of infor- mation. Starter, e naape l judge, strokes, and co the were already fast asleep snoring ! University Boat Race of March the 19th or 20th,

And so in darkness doubt ended 1880,

Page 134

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maxcu 20, 1880, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. SS <s ow: =e = — ae = : = . —— = :

burt decimo die ante Kalendas Apriles. The die is cast! The doom of Dissolution has fallen. But resur- rection, strange to say, will precede death. On the 23rd of this month the Parliament of 1874 will rise to sit no more. It was not lovely in its life. In its death it will only be what it was in its life —divided. Let us hope that in the division Jouw But will do as Hamlet recommends his mother— . = the worser half of it, And live the purer with the other half.’”’ ‘ The secret has been well kept. Except a whisper of cabs collared ‘Hor Cavenr vari” (Afler Lander.) a week ago in a big borough— ine an eye to a poll—nothing seems to have oozed out in betrayal of the Cabinet resolve. So it was like the bursting of a bombshell when, on Monday, March 8, in the Lords, my Lord BxaconsFIeLp, as curtly as words could do it, and in the Commons the CHANCELLOR of the EXxcHEQuER, with lesa economy of breath, announced that Government, having settled its Irish difficulties, got its Military and Naval Estimates and its Supply within reach of a vote on account, had come to the conclusion that Easter would be the pleasantest time to perform the Hari- Kari, and April, month of smiles and tears, the fittest for fights big with the ion of victory, and the dumps of defeat. So the writs will be out bef ‘ore the end of March, the “roaring month;” by All Fools’ Day the country will be elbow-deep in the mess and muddle of its Elections, and ee | in the merry month of May a brand-new Parliament will be at work with its new broom, and perhaps—who The i ps ?—a new set of hands, officers and petty officers, in charge of the good ship Britannia ! e issue is in the hands of Jonw Butt. Before May he will have to audit the accounts his servants render, and set his seal to them oy pteatien of his present stewards, or refuse it, by the appointment of new ones. ; 7 A difficult task it should be, seeing that, according to the organs to whose tunes we listen for the case of the Ins and Outs, if not for the ins and outs of the Jouw Butt in the hole abroad the ition are the of decomposition, bent on dismembering the United Kingdom tting in Quire Btreet at home bene Aad the tow-rope of the Colonies ; severing the consecrated ties of Chur and State ; mpectting our most cherished institutions; throwing up the sponge in our quarrels, and generally eating dirt and humble- pie in the face of foreigner—while, on equally unimpeachable and unprejudiced authority, the Government have, for the last six years, been doing ovesyining they ought not to have done, and leaving undone everything they ought to have done; missing their tip in the East; « h the wrong note in the European into war in Africa ; making ruin and letting loose anarchy in Afghanistan ; singing small or sounding ceneest ; and while breeding wars and fomenting disturbance in Europe, Asia, and Africa, neglecting

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Marcu 20, 1880.} cee 31 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL , aw 4 | es ' gba Boy RL) / /)- Uys Y uy AL, Wy). y) PILL Z i, EA, Vj Wh Line f. ig v/ M4 REGIMEN. Old Lady (to Eminent Physician). ‘‘ TeLt mz, DoctoR, WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST IMPORTANT ROLE OF ALL ror Heatran?” Doctor (whose ideas run much on the hygienic properties of Soils and Air, &c.), ‘My DEAR MADAM—ALWAYS LIVE ON GRavEL.”’ Old Lady (whose thoughts take a more gastronomic turn). *‘ On, Docrorn! I’m sure I covtpy’r Dioxst rr !!” domestic legislation, accumulating deficits, postponing obligations, humbugging interests, and Ley phere : Such, according to the views of Lords B. and H. respectively, being the monstrous treatment and melancholy prospects of poor Britannia at the hands of the Outs and Ins, it really seems very little odds how the next month’s struggle may end. Whichever comes head (according to the one) she can’t win, and whichever turns il, according to the other, she must lose. Punch can only hope and pray that all is not yet quite so U.P. with J. B., as the Whig and Tory oracles proclaim ; that life may be still worth living with Lord B. in office; and that Domestic Legisla- tion and Foreign Policy, Country and Colonies, Church and State, Army and Navy, will not have to go straightway to the dogs under the lead of Lord Hartineton. Let BRITANNIA ¢ ing to the comfort that whichever way the fight may fall out, there will still be ‘* A sweet little cherub that sits up aloft To keep watch for the life of poor Joun ;" which his name is—no—modestly forbids our putting it in full; but we will only say it begins with P., and it ain’t Pali Mall. In the meantime the Essence of Parliament has evaporated, even as the wind of the House has been knocked out by the chill touch of the Angel of Dissolution. Punch need only state, in as few words as will carry the matter, that on Monday both Houses received their sentence: the Lords with the calm resignation befitting Olympians who have no seats to fight for, and no election bills to pay; the Commons with the excitement natural to atoms of Collective Wisdom suddenly informed that within the next few days they will have to set about recombining at a considerable cost, and in the shade of a doubtful future. Then, (in the Commons,) after the CHanceLtor of the Excnrquer romised the Budget for Thursday, Mr. Cross intimated that the Water Bill would be dissolved even before the Parliament, and that as London evidently did not like it, he and the Companies must — | it, after a sudden rise, and then a fall of 80 per cent. in and reputation. Close upon this ignominious collapse of Cross and his Water- eT baby, the Frest Lorp of the Apmrnarry, the best man of business in the Cabinet, moved the Navy Estimates—‘‘ Economy and Peace Estimates,” as he insisted—at an insignificant reduction on last year’s charges. Lord High Admiral Smirn promises—not on paper only, let us hope— useful economies in the administra- tion of the Admiralty, regulation of Promotions, and reduction of Naval Cadets, with many improvements in the armour- ing and arming of our ships, the ing of cost between building and repairs, and the eeping up more proportion between heavily armoured Colossuses and Po pynomnets, for the ramming of rivals and the smashing of iron-sheathed sides with monster pro- jectiles, and of light, swift-sailing, and handy cruisers for the protection of convoys, colonies, and commerce. The great Surru, after receiving, unharmed, the cross-fire of the Pru, the Hay, the Big Ben, and the Reep, came gallantly out of action, carrying, under his wing, his whole convoy of Naval Esti- mates, in a few hours. Never have been seen two such rapid Acts as Colonel Stanxtey’s and Lord h Admiral Surra’s, in ter days of a dying Parliament. enty-five millions of Army and Navy Estimates—there or thereabouts—knocked off—no, added on ws mae say—in a couple of nights, without either Hon. Colonel or Lord High Admiral turning a hair, to the thinnest of thin houses—hardl over the baker’s dozen to each batch of millions! But Dm vg t explains it. After the firing of Sir Starrorp’s Dissolution torpedo, Parliament had suddenly adjourned from the House to the telegraph-office, and for several hours Members were fighting for the wires, and fi the news of Dissolution over the three kingdoms. We have not h that any of the five clerks of the Westminster Palace telegraph- office have died of it ; but never had poor fellows a more *‘ wiry time”! Tuesday (Lords).—Lord Hoventow had another grumble over the lack of due provision for publicity in intra-mural executions. Lords Beavucuamp and Cransroox contended nothing more is wanted than what is secured by the law of 1868—the presence of a full body of officials to see the convict hanged, and a coroner's jury to sit on his body afterwards.

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132 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 20, 1880, Lords AneRDARE and KimpeRrtey thought the Visiting J ustices, and not the High Sheriff only, should have a discretion as to granting admission to representatives of the Press. It certa: seems the rtainl very irony of legislation that reporters should be excluded from the press-room. ‘Commons.)—Mr. Cross Water Bill. ‘a single day Sir J. Lopsock asking if the War Office meant to lend the Volun- performed the Happy Dispatch on his a little Bill! ‘* Born but to bloom”—no, to blush— teers great-coats for the Easter Monday Review, Colonel Stan ey | © reminded the House that armed assemblages being forbidden at Election times, there could be no appearance of a Volunteer body, and therefore no need of a great-coat, next Easter Monday The Cuancettor of the Excneqver said that Order -_ be taken for resumption, or suspension of Private Bill Committees, according to the circumstances of each case, and intimated that Government would require nearly all the fag-end of the Session. Sir J. McKewwa trotted out his Hobby — the often renewed attempt to make out that Pat bears twice his load of Imperial taxation. Sir Joserm was Se a in a thin House, by 58 to 36—a narrow majority (against him) of Mr. Rakes ~" in te vai effort to call attentien bo way of rovision for tive compensation to way Servants 7 j iaiaved in the performance of their — There is no class of men, Punch believes, so hardly work 80 ciently protected, as Railway Servants—none so muc at Lay — of a, who have, as a rule, far less mercy th - on ers, and none a whose be! there is more need of better legis bm provi- sion for tion for injuries, in many cases ace to no avoid- able fault it of the the sufferers, but to too exclusive an eye to the saving of expense and swelling of dividends on the part of the companies, their employers. Naturally, the House,’not being railway servants, and havin lL. heart, not in its legislation, but its Gutiameting, was Counted Wednesday.—Mr. Anpersonx brought in a Patent Fromme Bill, to withdraw j it without a division. Sir SELWIN InBETSON moved a supplementary little Bill of four millions and a-half for last year’s South-African war expenses, but frankly conf “on being put to the oes, that he hadn’t an idea how much of the money was for the Zulu war and how much for other items, he was glad to withdraw his demand till to-morrow. The Arronwey-GENERAL brought in his Bill to legalise Cab Hire at Elections. A concession to the long-purses—most of them on = right side of course. Looks fishy, but no doubt will be carried— voters ought to be. Thursday eed. .—Ancient Monuments Bill, introduced by Lord STANHOPE, by the Duke of Somerset and Lord REDESDALE, to the Dz ta Warr cry Be ** Proputty!” and sent to a Select Com- mittee for its schedule to be sifted, e any other kitchen-midden or -" oa of antiquity. restricting Beer-dealers’ retail licences. May it conduce to the restriction of ~drinkers’ wholesale licence. (Commons.)—The Budget. As you were: no taxes laid on, none taken off. e difference between income and outlay (anticipated and realised) for the current year rather above than below £3,300,000. - ht millions of accumulated deficit to be provided for hd renewing s for two millions, and paying off six by terminable annuities ending i 1885, addi £800,000 to the permanent debt, and nding Sir StarroxD s own pet sinking fun d. a brilliant Budget by any means, in fact supplying what should 4. avery good stick to beat the Government eeper. The most comfortable item Punch can find in the national balance- sheet is the f off of £700,000 in the Customs’ Duties on foreign spirits, £300,000 in the excise on British Spirits, and £940,000 on malt. With the alcoholic barometer going down at this rate, there is at least diminution of drinking to set against reduction of revenue. Friday (Lords). —The Government, the Duke of Ricumonp ex- plained, can’t be expected to see their way about Roads till they see what road the Elections are likely to take. Lord Bury objected to Lord GALLoway’s talking about Lord ArREy’s rt on the ‘‘ break-down” of the Short Service system. “* Break-downs” belong to burlesques, not to War Office Reports — >? secret, and meant to be kept so for the {Commons )}—Government is to have every da next week, and 1 then adjourn. The House can’t be expec to do any work with the sword of Damocles g over its head, as Mr. Fawcett found last night, when he, with Mr. Grapsrone to help him, had to withdraw his to relieve ‘India of some part of the cost of the Afghan War, Staukely cual ects tr aartiins. Tue Reticion or Natvre.—In Spring—Buddhism. ADDRESS. ANOTHER ELECTION LECTORS OF ENGLAND, IRELAND, E ScoTLAND, AND Waxes, *& I appress you from a desk full of Requisitions from all peste of the United om— rom vast London boroughs, from spacious counties, from manufac- turin, metropo- lises, from ancient Cathedral sees, and seaports,— soliciting me to become their Member in the new Parliament, and that without either cost or “a. nee idkens a the and gratitude of my countrymen, and shall be- ueath them, in andsome frames, as heirlooms to a and I have declined all these invitations, independence, and to continue to act as t friend of you all. In this, my old and a Seas character, I have ig ~~ sym to ing yore the guide phi philosopher, age wx a | to you touching the coming momentous by the ewe but solemn assurance of a noble Bar aa electioneering /_—— to a brother peer in Doth that - t~ power =a Toglend the pene of Europe will largely cgpend on e verdict of the country,” you, as The Eye of England, to remember that the ty at Europe are now upon you ; I charge you, Chippenham, to not to aggravate Prince BismaRkck’s neuralgia ; Woduesbars I tell you that the cafés and salons of Paris resound with your name, and te on your 88 | choice; Petersfield and Peterborough, St. Petersburg awaits your “verdict” with an intensity of feverish suspense. Let us have an exemplary, a model Election. Let us show that the public weal is not inseparably bound up with the Fey ei ol ; let us break neither heads, ows, nor promises ; let us abandon tion and personality, fighting an ent fairly and stoutly, without reminding r or an him that hfs great gran ther was a early and involuntary settler in South Walon let us vote for the man who best goes along with the general current of our views and wishes, although he may not think as we do on Se nets, » such as Local Option ae age Stores, Contagious Acts, ensed Victuallers, Female Suffrage, Deceased Wives’ Sisters Sugar Bounties, Sunday Caine Ve Vaccination and Vivisection ; and, above all, let us not imperil a seat by scatterin os i, among two or three candidates, instead of concentrati P re beer and L Ireland the force of of 3 vote oes not on the strength of a shill : give up Home- Rule—try Self f-Government. Scotland—I have unbounded confi- —— prided but put the whiskey-bottle away. Wales—do bye. it your Prince and Princess. "= may we all, both Punch and te yeah 80 vote end roll, the hereafter we may be able to look back to t ‘‘ May of fang uil surpluses and cheerful of 1880 * property, = the peace and prosperity, of renew of fewer fig oe f speech and more comfortab le figures of arithme- v epirited ’ home policy, of a “ rectification” of man many ievances, and anomalies, of wise work and restrained PUNCH. tic, of a abuses, fresh series of inimitable Cartoons in —and of a In Prospect of Dissolution. ** On, happy Ass!” puzzled Joun Butt may say, we « Detwixt two loads, and only two, of hay! See me, unhappy Ass, whose pr Yen in pom is Of all these contradicto ry er Oh, how that ass *twixt two Tis might le At me perplexed ’mong all these loads Out or THE Foc (where Lord B. must have got it)—‘* The Man of Light and Leading.”—The Linkman. 4@ To Conuzsronmpunts.— The Bditor docs not hold himself bound to acknowledge, ret stamped and directed nn me for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by « should be kept.

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Marcu 27, 1880.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 133

ELECTIONEERING. A LA MODE. (The Diary of a Day spent in a very Parliamentary Train.) SS _Rose early after a good night’s rest, in excellent trim for my orthern campaign. Arrived at the terminus, I found that the arrangements were excellent. The public had been refused admittance to the platform, and consequently a large crowd had collected outside the station. Seized the opportunity to deliver a forty minutes’ oration. It was received with enthusiasm, except by a few malcontents, who declared that they would be late for their trains. These selfish Obstructionists were speedily bonneted by the more energetic of my supporters. Having onaluded my peroration, I dissapeqend, and (by arrange- ment the Railway Officials) took up fresh ground. When the doors were thrown open, | was found in the Booking-oflice. A number of travellers immediately collected round the pigeon-hole asking for tickets. I gave them something better. In a few well- chosen words I explained my policy, denounced the tactics of the Government, and sketched the history of Parliament from the earliest days. I was just warming to the subject, when the Traffic Manager ormed me that my train could not conveniently wait any longer, as it was already forty minutes behind its time. Hearing this, | immediately retired from the Booking-office, and hurried to the Saloon Carriage which had very courteously been placed at my dis- posal, Then, after heartily thanking the Traffic Manager and the other officials for their consideration, I gave the signal for departure, and the train steamed off. Our first stoppage was at Slocum, where we waited ten minutes for refreshments. Thanks to the admirable arrangements of the

Railway Company I found the buffet ready to receive me. The] Rot young Ladies cheered loudly as I took my stand on the counter. In a minute the room was meee See and [ had an opportunity of explaining my views at some length. The meeting was a great success. It is true that an angry old gentleman who wanted soup and a Materfamilias with a large family oe for buns, rai: a certain amount of confusion, but they were fo to withdraw by an attendant po! e were an hour or more late on leaving Slocum, and put on extra steam to Flam Here, as a rule, the train stops five minutes for water. On this occasion, however (thanks to the kind- ness of the Railway Officials), the wait was considerably prolonged. I had time to receive four deputations in the Waiting Room, to make a ae 2 to an enthusiastic audience of aoe epee an 5 win e Station-Muster’s private apartments, to lune with the Mayor and tion in the Telegraph Office. Every- thing passed off admirably, and the enthusiasm was enormons. Some two hours behind our time we steamed out of Flam h, and my speeches at Muddleton (where we stayed forty minutes, the kindness of the Railway Officials); at Longwyndham (where we stopped three-quarters of an hour), and at Hazeborough Junction (ae no record of the time was kept) were received with the loudest of cheers. As it was represented to me, shortly after leaving the Junction, that our earlier stoppages had rather interfered with the ordinary traffic on the line, I suggested that we should proceed direct to our destination. This concession was gratefully acknowledged by the Railway Officials, who, however, insisted that I should have a final opportunity of addressing my fellow-passengers. Feeling that I had no right to refuse this p I consented. The train was stopped at the junction of several lines, and danger-signals were hoisted in all directions. In less than an hour, some dozen trains coming from various parts of the country, had behind and in front of ours. The passengers having d » [ addressed the meeting from the signal-box. I was fetened” with great attention by everybody, with the exception of those had travelled by my own train, who rudely declared that they had heard what I was saying before! Having finished By speech, the rs returned to the traffic their respective line was resumed. The i of our journey was without incident. We arrived at our terminus only five hours late. On entering the Station I was received with most enthusiastic . The Railway Officials immediately interviewed me, and that I might then and there hold a meeting. As | was stigeed ba my exertions, I pointed out that the only persons I like to address (as my local ents were all made) were those heh = | me. added that I feared th e would be fa- tigued, and that, in fact, I found my to sleep. I therefore decided upon going to my hotel fi i was escorted carriage-and-six, and the procession ( uded six brass toa ’ bands and two hundred torch-bearers) started for the Stentors’ Arms, where I close this page of my diary before g to bed, I must get = sleep, as my first meeting is called for daybreak to-morrow g. who had accom-

Bather too Kind. A ConsERvVATIVE morning journal thus announces ‘“‘A Home-Ructgr’s Mission.—The Home-Rule Confederation Executive decided yesterday to send Mr. F. H. O'Donwgtn, M.P., to some of the Northern towns to speak at meetings on behalf of the Liberal Candidates.” The idea of sending an Obstructive to promote Liberal interests is a little too Irish. Save the Liberal Candidates from their friends, especially those who are likewise Home-Rulers! Non tali auzilio !

FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE, A LARGE number of Members of Parliament have gone to the Country. In many cases, their return is so uncertain that they have only taken single tickets.

EVERY ONE TO HIS TRADE. Ir is announced that the Grocers’ Company have awarded a fifth donation of £100 to the Ventnor Consumption Hospital. The Grocers would gladly check all consumption but that of tea, sugar, and other groceries.

Aw Emenpation (from the Indian Taxpayer's standpoint),— ** Imperium et Paupertas.”

DIsRAELIAN Sywonym.—* The policy of decomposition ’—*‘ Utter

Wuat Lowpow Ratepayers ARE IN THE Hanns or tHE Lonpow Water Companizs.—W ater-Babies.

Tue Orricen Commanpine (at the Easter Review),—General Election.

BrouwmacemM Bravery.—‘‘ The Charge of the Six Hundred.” By Major Burnaby.

Tue pest Exampte or Licut asp Leapine (into Sloughs of Despond).—The Will-o’-the- Wisp.

Easter Eoqs ror Canprpates.—Not rotten ones, let us hope.

VOL. LXXVIII.

Page 138

1st PUNCH, [Marcu 27, 1880, A DISAPPOINTMENT. R THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE LOST DERBY. (By “a Party that was Jockey’d.’’) Tue Scion of a Distingsiaes Sire, his Blood, Birth, and Breeding seemed worthy of A GREAT RACE, and ‘ bie Gesnae utation y the Country, benny be capable of fulfilling Many Foreign r% gagements, uu ina — struggle, e Failed to keep pace with his Leader, Dissented from ‘‘ the Movement of the Bolted from the Right Course, and has since, in consequence, Cc Hands, mounted saul _ Colours, sl an in quotations asa likely Candidate for a Place, but tho Liberally su ical want o Pluck . his has for ever —— the confidence 0 “Tat Strout Otp Tory Party”; he Left in the Lurch. Hits anD Hottows.—About the most disgraceful thing in London (of many disgraceful things) — the Paving of the Edgware Road. All the Difference. “The letter is apocryphal . .. . it is too epigrammatic for an Oriental.’”’— Lord Beaconsfield, House of Lords, March 16. Iy a letter from Suere ALI Edwin. *‘ Dvt. PAPER THIS MORNING, AIN’T IT, ANGY?” on ae an: Angelina. ‘Ys! Not a SovL ONE KNOWS MENTIONED !—NOT EVEN IN THE DeEATHS!” Do they prove its Disraelity ? MORE LIGHT! Apropos of the present perverse of Park Lane for wood paving, when the most appropriate blocks would seem to be the eads that directed such a work at sucha time, the Daily News sensibly remarks :— “There is plenty of work by which London might be improved, and Londoners at this season not tormented. Certain vestries have adopted an admirable system of indicating street nomenclature on the lamps at the corners of thoroughfares. The idea is so good, the cost so moderate, and the result so satisfactory, that of course the other vestrics have held back, and possibly the originators may be induced to cancel the benefit they have offered the pbs In the meantime the Paris authorities, following the example of Brussels and Antwerp, have ornamented the street corners of a capital not half so wealthy or so busy as our own with conspicuous clock-dials. But in London—where time is money—Hamilton Place is blocked, and Park Lane a cul de sac.” Punch has been hammering at the urgency and practicability of this form of light literature—street-lettering on street-lamps— for many a long day, and is ashamed that he has still to cry to the deaf ears of the West-End Vestryman, *‘ Light, more light!” SAWBBATARIANISM AT DUNDEE. Tur Land of Cakes lays claim to be likewise a Land of Logic, not unduly; but the syllogistic faculties of Scotchmen are apt to fail them in the consideration of any question relative to Sunday. It is painfully evident that the Sawbbatarians have not arrived at a sane view of the Tay Bridge accident. “On Wednesday, by 15 votes to 13, the Dundee Presbytery adopted an overture to the General Assembly acknowledging the hand of God in the disaster, and asking the Assembly to devise means for removing temptations to Sunday travelling and traffic. One speaker said he regarded the disaster as a judgment of God upon mercantile trickery in building a bad bridge.”’ From the division, however, we are glad to see that even in the Dundee Presbytery a minority declines te pronounce a Sawbbatarian opinion upon a calamity which they have no warrant whatsoever for supposing to have been occasioned by other than nati causes. These, perhaps, were intended to be signified by the speaker who represented the fall of the bridge as a supernatural visitation upon mercantile trickery. Unfortunately for' this view, the parties responsible for trickery in building the bridge did not happen to be travelling over it when it fell. As for the Sawbbatarian majority, they can only be regarded as an additional example of a crotchet about Sunday so national that it may well be called the Scotch craze. This, when excited, agitates its victim with such violence as to cause the clatter of a loose slate in an upper storey otherwise sound; or, to put the | same fact in a different figure, causes a hum of the biggest that every now and then buzzes in SawNey’s bonnet. HINTS FOR A NEW AND ORIGINAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. Cuapter XI, | On the Platform are tastefully arranged various Property Eatables. Enter the Lecturer, very quietly, by a side-door. ‘He is dressed in over-coat, muffler, and opera-hat, which he slowly and thoughtfully removes, and appears in evening dress. Applause. The Lecturer looks about, as ¥ in search of something or somebody, smiles blandly, and then commences quietly— WELL, Gentlemen—um—(rubs his chin meditatively, and regarding a perfect stranger in the third row of the class with a vague but affable smile)—well—Gentlemen—I ’ve come to give you a lecture— (:t suddenly occurs to him that this sounds too severe)—oh, no, don’t be afraid ; I haven’t come to lecture you as if a! had been very bad boys. dear, no! (Puts his hands be him, throws back his head, opens his mouth and shuts his eyes, as if he were playing the children’s game of seeing what Provi send him, but in reality for a hearty pend at the absurdity of the idea of their bad s whom he has come to lecture.) Ohdear, no! (Shakes his

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Manon 27, 1880. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 135 Sitdidl Ubddd g 4 Ya Nn 9h YGY 4 Y Yjy, i) WY: YY Vij, Yi Wf 4 Vy Ly A, VY Wha Wal Ly, .~ “8 é oa eS OF 4, het i BRS Spy Oe . idee 2) r , Nr 474 Lon OO NS Nl yy“ OE SO ee a - CLEC! weP ry LEADING THE FIELD. Jealous Old Whip (coming up). ‘‘ Way, Master Frep, HOW CAME YoU BEREK!”’ Master Fred. “‘1 ALWAYS WAIT DOWN WinD. WHERE WERE you, Jim!” head, and sways himself forward and back.) Oh dear, no—not at| yes, of course, I was saying, if you bother yourself about these all—not at all! Ha! ha! ha! (Laughs—then resumes very quietly, |minutiw—(pauses and considers whether he is right in saying and smiling cheerfully)—On the contrary, you’re very nA boys. | minutia, or whether it oughtn’t to be ** minutia’ —decides on choosing As my friend, Mr. Paterave Sruupsoy, would say, ‘‘ Lawk-a-mussy, | another word)—about these insignificant details, you ’ll never be a never saw such very admirable boys!” (‘‘ Hear! hear!” and| great Actor. laughter. Lecturer smiles, and continues)—Let me see—um—(con-| When an Actor is once imbued with the spirit of the part he has to siders)—suppose we take, as the subject of this lecture—costume— | play, all his movements come spontaneously, and he need never trouble es—costume—(rubs his chin t Atfully) —or—business — um ? Pimself i off the with thinking how he will behave on it. Wasn’t mayer we say business. Of course | mean “‘ stage business.” We} it the great Mrs. el ee i think it was the great might take business first, and—(smiling cheerfully)—pleasure after- | Mrs, Srppons, who, let me see—(thinks over it)—yes, of course, she wards. Um? (La hing benigniy, and looking round the room at| never troubled her head with what she was going to do as Lady the class gradually. usiness first—and—pleasure afterwards. | Macbeth, or how she was going to do it, but, putting down her—her ( ‘oug ] so far.) Very well. Or—stop a moment—|—let me see—yes—(reflects)—yes, it was knitting she used to do— (reflects—regards the properties on the table)—Ah—yes—the use of | yes, putting down her kni » wo “ properties.” We might consider that first—unless—no—(makes cane at once Lady Macbeth. (Cheers. : up his mind suddenly)—no—we ’1l begin with e-business. (Puts| about “study.” Well, um—(bending himself angularly and looking his hands behind him, as if he were a boy at sc ordered to say| up at nothing in particular, then still with his hands behind him some lines off by heart, then throws his head back, looks at the ceiling, | giving a side-glance at his auditory without changing his position) —I opens his mouth as if about to deliver himself oracularly, then can’t see the necessity of study. If you get your words by heart as pauses. Disappointment of the class. Then he begins) .. . On the | well as by head—(altering his position to another graceful curve, and e, Gentlemen, there is such a fault as overcarefulness—of being | taking another three-quarter side-ways look at his class)—as well as ty of the untradesmanlike—(smiles apologetically as he repeats) | by head, then, all you've got to do—(elevating his eyebrows, con- the untradesmanlike falsehood of too strict an attention to business | fronting the audience, opening his mouth, and throwing up his hands) (appears pleased, hums part of a tune quietly to himself then|—is, to Bd it! (Shuts his mouth suddenly, he retains jas attitude resumes). a which follows, and then swaying himself round To worry yourself as to what you shall be doing when the Author replaces his hands behind him and resumes)—um, yes—(smiling)—1 has given you nothing to do,—what you shall pretend to be saying think so,—don’t study let the business come naturally. Let me see when the stage direction sets down of such and such a character that | —(meditates)—yes—' iteading and acting come by nature, so give he “ talks with Mrs. So-and-So,””—to trouble yourself about the | Heaven thanks and make no ” (Smiles, elevates his eyebrows, use of a handkerchief, as to which pocket you shall use, or| Aums a snatch of a melody, loses himself in thought—finds himself Maan ak tie Tees Gnd cities tale ohcmaths antl “A. coal tema Waitin, toc8 eemtienttec egestanen, tat on - wi smues a a bove}—I don't mean without — but without stirring the fire— quot oats ts Sates, If you come in like a lamb, take care to go out action, if often repeated, make it a very sti part—| li f ] ] . {throws his head back and laughs suddenly)—ha! ha!—(r his| Do not reserve all your force for your exit. Avoid plain level an amiable smile as he repeats)—a very ee acting throughout developing into a noisy climax. Against that = (Hear! hear!” and laughter.) Um—(considers) tlemen—(looks about, suddenly recalls to mind his subject)—Oh, | exit, you will never force an effect on an audience by y i © > >

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—— ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 27, 1880, iil - at Vi ¥ ) \ A CONSCIENTIOUS ARTIST. The Dean. “‘Mn. Sxippx, I WANT You TO MAKE my Son Aa Hountina Soir; USED TO MAKE FoR Mg, you KNow.” Clerical Tailor, ‘‘1 sac your parpox, Me. Dean. May I rqv 1s In Hoty Oxpers ?” The Dean. ‘* No.” Clerical Tailor. ‘‘ Au! TO BE ORDAINED SHORTLY, I suProsE !” The Dean. *‘ No, NO; HE’S NOT THINKING OF ANYTHING OF THE Clerical Tailor. ‘‘ Tazn 1’m sorry To say I MUST DECLINE THE | oe \ a) ——~ qautil iM) WY \Y v We \\ THE ELECTION BREW. “ Double, double, toil and trouble, Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.” Macbet From floods of speech and smother Of broad-cast posting-bills, Where each side proves the other Author of all our ills ; From clash of cross-addresses And clang of clamouring tongues, From mud of y-presses And strength of party-lungs ; From candidates and agents, From canvassers and touts, From reverend and la ts, All hot for Ins or Outs; From public-house Committees, An > platforms’ bray, Through counties, towns, and cities Resounding night and day ; From talking of Elections, And reading of the same,— Dissolving views, in sections, Of Party’s little game ; | Oh ** roaring month” deliver us, Till, after All-Fools’ Day, Time’s scavenge-van, omnivorous, Shall cart the mess away. And in the teeth of his doom, From the black cauldron’s haze ise a Collective Wisdom i in wondrous ways ! \ RECIPROCITY. Iw 1874 the country came to Lord BEACONSFIELD for rest. And now Lord B. returns the compliment by ; JUST WHAT YOU! going to the country, as his friends say 4 the rest of his lease of power, IRE IF THE younc GenrLeMAn | or asthe Opposition hope, for the rest of his natural life. PRoBaBLE ConsEQUENCE OF HartT- MANN’S ARRIVAL In Lonpon. — Extra-edition, if not Extradition. KIND.” orpDER, Mr. Dean!” throwing up your arms, shrugging your shoulders, elevating your | eyebrows, rolling your eyes, and exclaiming ‘‘ Ah!” Such actions might suit one poe character, but not all the parts you have to play. ‘App use.) Now, much of the business of the stage depends on properties. Perhaps you are not aware that all banquets on the stage consists of property eatables and property drinkables? (Smiles, and nods slowly.) This is as it should be. The stage is the place for the exhibition of works of theatrical Art, and not a museum for the collection of Realities. (Cheers. Who wants to see an Actor eating a real chicken, carving a real ham, or munching a genuine pie from Fortyum and Mason’s? (Stretching out both hands appealingly, bending his knees, throwing his head back. Applause. Continues in_this attitude.) Is there any Art in such an exhibition? No. (Cheers.) Is there a chance for the Actor showing how admirably he can simulate eating a chicken, how per- pam A true to Nature in his imitation of- devouring a pie, or of drinking out of a flagon if the real articles are siteelty placed before him? No! (Cheers. The Lecturer sways himself into his Sormer confidential attitude, with his hands behind him, and resumes.) Segeumnan, san ponents Feo course—there is no Art in smacking your lips after drinking a good glass of wine. But there is considerable Art in smacking your lips and looking pleased and satisfied after emptying a glassful of some nauseous stuff—(makes @ genuine expression of the most intense disgust)—made of heaven and the property-man only know what, and which, for aught the Actor ean tell, may be highly injurious in its effects. Ugh! (Shud- ders.) Gentlemen, to smile aiter such a draught, and to sa heartily, ‘‘ Master Boniface, thon hast some Another bumper, Sirrah ! Here’s to thee an thy pretty daughter!” y | my lecture till ano ood stuff in thy cellar! | of and then, to be compelled by the business of the scene, to empty another transparent glass of the abominable mixture—the mixture | as before—ngh! | smack your lips, and swear heartily that it is “‘ nectar for the gods!” —(makes another face)—ugh! and yet to smile and —this, Gentlemen, is true Art, highly meritorious in the individual, and for which display there would be no opportunity were the wine real good sherry, or port, or champagne. (Applause.) Um —yes—(meditates)—and these ‘remarks also to eatables. The Actor is never called upon for a more difficult, a more q or perhaps a more telling exhibition of his Art—than—when— (meditates sideways, eyes his audience askance, and, stooping slightly, bends forward as tf looking for some one to come suddenly from somewhere round the corner)—yes—than when—let me see—um— (slowly)—than when he has to make a hearty meal off a canvass- backed—(smiling slily)—off a canvass-backed duck, with pieces of bread let into the back for him to make-believe with, as the Marchioness did with the orange-peel in the Old , (Still with the same smile, and the same attitude.) There’s a taste of the glue about it (reflects), or the paint- (makes a grimace) —or something ony Ea the nastier it is, ter the Aector’s chance for showing his mastery over his Art. affppiasae I will now proceed to give you a few strations. (Eyes the properties. Immense and pro applause.) These Ce —are all—um (touches them)—excellent—as properties. paint, or gum, or glue, or whatever it is on them, is not yet dry. Hamlet says, ‘‘ And smells so! Pah!” (Applause.)... (meditates)—so—1 think—with your kind permission—I (touches a Jew more, and makes a grimace)—I'll defer this part ther day,—and then—(seeing the of his class)—1 ll go through them all. (Cheers. He affably ums, and then suddenly looks at hiswatch.) Dear me, 1 didn fe g

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Marcu 27, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 137 anxious to address you; but as we have both to lecture st the Royal Academy know it was so late. Um—the fact is, ay friend Mr. Warrer Lacy is very of Music this afternoon—he on singing and I on dancing and deportment,—and as we are both returning to town together, perhaps you wouldn't mind—if I— eh? um! (Applause.) Then I will—thank you—(opens side-door, and calls)— Professor Lacy ! Enter Professor Lacy. He bows with the utmost courtesy to the class, shakes hands with Professor Cxcti, deposits his hat on the table, throws hie into it, runs his hand through his hair, opens his chest, and confronts the audience. Loud applause, whereupon Professor Lacy places his hand on his heart, bows to the audience, then turns to where Professor Crctt is sitting with one glove half on, applauding with his umbrella. He bows politely to him, evidently including the umbrella in this act of politeness, and com ‘ 7 * « [Professor Lacy’s lecture, ‘‘in our next,” by the kind permission of Protessor AntuurR Cecil, who, during its delivery, retains his seat on the platform, as both Professors have to return to town together by the same train.] REASONS FOR VOTING BLUE. (Collected from various quarters, and commended to the attention of free and independent Electors everywhere.) Because the sole hope of the world is that Butz should be top of the tree, And because the right person to give him that dominant perch is Lord B Because WILLIAM GLADSTONE ’S a traitor, a coward, a fool, and a sneak, Who, neglecting to spifflicate Russia, would prose off our silvery streak ; Because Dizzy ’s deucedly artful, and game to give GortscHakorr fi Take the shine out of any AnpRassy, and bang grim old Brsmancx to bits ; Because but for Beaconsrie.p’s foresight, pluck, patience, and patriot care, The Russ would be now on the Bosphorus, we, the deuce only knows where ! Because quiet sense and plain dealing, and fondness for om and right, Make the foreigners think we’re effaced, and would sooner be kicked t ; Because all these foreigners praise us (who used to contemn and pooh-pooh) As, Bux having spelled all their ganies, it is natural, quite, they shoul? do’ Because, as these foreigners hate us, and seldom indulge in sincerity, Their verdict on Ben is impartial and final as that of posterity ; Because the grim Muscovite oe is hungrily waiting to see If England’s still sweet upon Dizzy or nuts upon W. G. ; Because if blind Buxt choose the latter for Leader, the big Northern Bruin Will collar Stamboul like a shot, pocket India, and leave us to ruin: Because if we once let in GLapstonz he’ll s up the Empire like crockery, Give us disintegration at home, and abroad degradation and mockery : Because that fortuitous concourse of atoms, the Liberal Party, Can ne’er pull together for England in unity, loyal and hearty : Because ’tis a horrible Hydra, with knows how many heads _And a poisonous bite that inspires all true patriots with doldrums and dreads : Because there is only one Hercules—Ben—who that Hydra can slay, Who absent, no being can baffle the brute, or its ravages stay : Because those detestable Paddies, conspiring to pull down the State, Will do so with Liberal aid, if the Tories don’t spate ’em that fate: Because this unholy alliance is pleinly more dangerous far Than a ~) of Earthquake, and Famine, Draught, Pestilence, Murrain an : ar Because, 5 Lord Hartrxetor ’s honest, he’s awfully led by the nose ; And because Mr. Bricut always dances when England is dished by her foes : Because false AnGYLL would rejoice to see Cossacks en- camped in Hyde Park: Because acid GraNvitLe would look on the sack of Cheapside as a lark : use ¥ Haxcovrr’s in favour of rending the Ki in halves: Because, ** Perish India!” Fxeritan would have us all slaves to the Slavs: Because Mr. a gr-r-r! likewise eugh ! !!— inco! Is a symptom of patriot zeal, and a proof of state-virtue severe— Because -, eee horror ! the syllables make us ’ Oh! stay us with P. M. G. leaders to save us from going stark mad !— Because Mr. GLapstone—’twould seem as if Providence a mistake In -_- poor innocent letters such concatenation to e ——s Because that man G. is a——well,—is a,—dash it! oh, where is the word To express what a horror he is, and how false and how and absurd Because this unspeakable Blank, this Hiatus, this Asterisk Is so bent upon spiting Lord B., and on sending his country to That (rey ee man must Vote Blue, were it only to baffle ‘his game, Who, b and speeches at Stations, is bringing ” Old England to shame! ! HITS FOR MISSES. As but politics will be talked until after the close of the , it might be well for the Ladies to OA sp the suldest Ossie. 7 a view the eansenee friends, Mr. Punch suggests a few appropria uestions which they may ask at any social gathering with e most pleasing effects. After each query the Lad has only to wait for the answer. When a reply is finish she will put another poser. By this simple means she may obtain the reputation of being ‘‘ quite a politician.” t is the difference between Liberals and Conser- vatives, and Whigs and Tories? ; What Aas Mr. Grapstowe been talking about at such an awful length ? Is Lord Beaconsrretp really such an awfully artful creature as the other side say ? Can you tell me ail about Home-Rule ? bet has Mr. Cross been doing with the Water Com- panies ma an the Scotch Members always bothering about t do you think about our Foreign Policy? Will you put me up to all abont the last fire Budgets? What does Sir Witrrip Lawson want ? Can you let me know some of the political allusions in the novels written by the Premier ? is every body 80 angry with everybody else? And oh! isn’t it all quite too awfully dreadful? A Cheer for the Two Colours. Covip such early birds be jolly, Punch would say to both brave crews, Away with melancholy, But a benison on the Blues! mt race th amg | Leh throug’ they came ; If Election eam U6 shut off, For like cause, were we to blame ? A Panry Ony (since Cabs to the Poll have been legalised),—** Get your Carriage, Sir ?”’ Tue New Brock Sysrem.—-Making Speeches at Rail- way Stations. Is It ?—Solution of the Political Problem.—Diz-solution. ee ——————

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Disk, - i) = , Y ¢ ; [Maarcn 27, 1#80, Need : he lg) Dap ALAS! PRETTY GRANDMAMMA ROBINSON As sue was (1851). As SHE Is now! AS SHE MIGHT (AND SHOULD) BE. = : ; : long animated the efforts and guided the exertions of the Society (and CORRUPT PRACTICES (ELECTION). especially of the Cockletop Branch) in that vast field of usefulness SPE, _ still lying open to it in the great Eastern horizon.” (Not Noticed in the New Act.) Lighting a weed, and offering your cigar-case to that hard-headed CoxpoLine with poor old Mrs. Corkwett (voter’s wife) on her | artisan, CLacHorn, the dyer, while you endeavour to bring him over rheumatics, and promising to send her a specific which has been| to your views on the question of Compulsory Vaccination, the one in your family for the last hundred and fifty years. point on which you and he are not in accord. Admiring the crewel-work of the Misses Lampiey when you call| Having accepted an invitation to a social tea-party of the Dorcas for the third time to see their brother (a wavering elector), and| Society, partaking, with heroic impartiality, of ‘‘the cup that gazing in rapt surprise at the view (limited) from their drawing-| cheers” and its attendant cake at each of the tables; and then at room window. the end of the entertainment saying ‘‘a few words” at the request Buying the Poems— Whispers and Sighs—of our talented young | of the Committee, and trying to be facetious on the subject of button- townsman, ArcerNon Brron Tritter, and reading them pre-| holes. vious to dining with his father, an influential and somewhat| Hiring a spirited animal, and riding to the meet, at the Half-way undecided constituent. 2 House, of the Pilton Hounds, to ingratiate yourself with the sportin Taking the chair and proposing a vote of thanks to Mr. LYELL | section of the constituency. With a like eye to business, and at stil Mvurcurson Draw res (grandson of one of the oldest residents in | ter peril to yourself and your companions, joining a of the borough) for his highly interesting, able, and instructive | Soung farmers to shoot rooks. - p ) joining a party lecture, on the ‘‘ Geological Features of Cockletop and its vicinity.” | Requesting the obliging local florist, GrutyrLoweERs, to send in _ Visiting the Free Grammar School founded by Epwakb THE) every morning to your hotel a bunch of violets (your election colour) Srxra, where you received your education and an occasional black- | ¢,, your button-hole. eye, and aang the vote (or rather voice) and interest of every Subscribing to both the local papers—the Buloark and the boy in the place, by begging an immediate whole holiday. __ | Watchdog—and swallowing, with undisturbed serenity, the syrup of Dining with the ancient and unanimous Order of Druidical Odd| 41. one and the vitriol of the other. Foresters (Court Pondicherry, No. 20185), and, in replying to the Giving away your photograph by thousands (great reduction on toast of your health, exp amid deafening cheers, your uncon- taki me - uantity), with views of your country sest, first taking care trollable longing to become an Honorary Member of the D. 0. F. ng ad ys t the bott % s Taking tickets for the Rifle Corps Ball, and dancing with the |‘? write your name at the bottom of every carte. wives and daughters of those electors recommended to you by your| Kissing all the babies within your reach. Committee, without the least regard to personal or intellectual charms or saltatory qualifications. Lunching with a different elector every day of your canvass, and always praising the sherry. A Trespasser in Midlothian. Attending the Anni of the Society for the Amelioration of Master of tongue-fence! Good at will Eastern Potentates and P and in an impressive speech moving Our ears with speech to drown, the first Resolution, to the effect—‘* That this meeting desires to place Till all must own him greater still upon record its unalterable adhesion to the principles which have so Tongue-fence at breaking down!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Marcn 27, 1880.

A NA

Pas 135 ‘ mi SB EMs “hy A ns { ppbecttn | hI Hi) |< ARVANA y } Ve At a | \

THE CHOICE OF HERCULES.

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Marcu 27, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 141 = 7 sts SZ tips LEE, Arte Sn NOT SO EASY. A COMMON SENSE CANDIDATE. (In reply to a isition from a body of Electors in- viting him oo a Member of Parliament.) GENTLEMEN, _ _1 HEREBY acknowledge the receipt of your eatin requesting me to stand for the representation of our County. _ As the office of a Member of Parliament is laborious, tiresome, and unpaid, I am very loth to accept it. How- ever, since the men who solicit it are not fit for it, whereas I am, and, being well-off and unem sores, can afford to take it, if I were to refuse it I should decline a duty. But the work of a Member of Parliament is so and so heavy, that of the two situations I would really rather be saddled with that of High Sheriff. I hope, therefore, you wi understand that, in conan to let myself be proposed as your Representa- tive, I confer upon you a very great favour. As my political principles may not be known to every voter, I will send a statement of them to a newspaper, whence you can, if you please, extract it, and print it for distribution. If necessary, I will also declare my inions at a public meeting, which can be called for t purpose. But, as they can be expressed in few we I shall make only a short speech, not wishing, have little to say, to let myself be known for a fool by my much 4 In g that speech, if I am interrupted by ong ts, cries, or idle questions, I shall immediately hol m , and retire. bye of printing and publishing cards, cir- other advertisements uesting people to vote for me =. be paid by those who desire to have me returned, constituents, or would-be constitu- ents, must also y all other charges incidental to my election, or their to effect that object. In pei ty only say, that nothing but a strong sense of s of my position as an inde- pendent man could induce me to Calariake an employ- ment, which will withdraw me from puieerepetions and amusements for six months in the year, besides compelling te to breathe thuch bad air and listen to much idle talk ZZ 2 MAAS AFF, vr VIII LG lm we aw every night till past twelve o'clock, and often till Pat (on hearing a late Trial read to him). ‘‘ Pourzp THE BRANDY DOWN BER) three or four in the — I am, Gen T’ROAT, DID HE?! Farx, | wish somenopy ’b tary To McRTHER ME THAT Way!” [ The foolish fellow had been drinking. , your ‘servant to command, Cortotanvs CaNnDIDUs. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. It is a mercy that the flurry of the moribund Parliament must be rief or is no Seine how much mischief it might do. Ina week it has added £800,000 to the permanent debt, and £700,000 to the Probate Duties, making what was monstrously unfair already— greseee improbatum—untfairer still, and has driven a procession of k cabs right through the last Corrupt Practices Act. The sooner the sword of Damocles falls and pute Parliament out of wer of mischief-making the better. The Srraxer has had the ouse all but to himself occasionally ; but unluckily there were always just enough Members present, or within call, to do mis- chief. ce, on Monday, it came to a literal téte-d-téte between the Chair and Sir Georce Batrovn, till Mr. Catuan moving a Count, brought in the needed forty from the back-slums of the ouse. What last drops of Essence Punch and the Speaxer between them have been able to distil, must needs be black and bitter—the lees of lees, the pa of an effete Parliament in a hurry to wind up its work anyhow, and be gone to its electioneering. —— March 15 (Lords).—Lord Bury re-assured the Volun- teers. The Government have discovered that the only barrier be- tween our Citizen soldiers and their Easter-Monday Review is a Wat Office regulation, which can be abrogated as easily as it was made. The only days armed men may not meet are nomination and polling days, and the first will not come at Brighton before Easter Tuesday. So on Easter x the Colonels’ backs, which were up in the sulks, will be down on the Downs, twenty thousand of our army of De- fence not Defiance will overfiow London-Super-Mare, much hard will be spent, and much blank-cartridge burned, and the} most mon British Constitution will survive it. Why the Government did not find out sooner that this was possible, Lord Bury did not tell us. Per! hints that a good many Volunteers carry votes in their kna; s may have sharpened their wits. But there has not the less @ gross le somewhere. Lord RepEspaLe did his best to stop the Second Reading of the Hypothee Abelities Bill to which, it a useful and urgent measure, Pressed the best tenants, reviled by the worst landlords, is constitutionally opposed. he Loxp tent.” Lord Repespa.e, always an Im seems bent of late on rising to the dignity oa rf amaprectioa, Ses it the knuckles f the Wooleack, thd has dwerred his wipe ee g. Lord Oranmone the Beaconsfield Manifesto against its author. I was in the state described in that remarkable document—w Lord Oxanmore backed up by the unim ble evidence of Mr. \Secretary Lowrnenr’s Kendall — threatened with a iracy worse than pestilence or Governinent CuanceLtor rode down his ‘‘ Non-Con‘ amine, why didn’t the give her the comfort of a Coercion Act to put down n crime, and protect loyal lives ? Lord BEACONSFIELD hadn’t the slightest idea what Lord OnanmorE was driving at. The law in Ireland was strong enough to repress disorder. vindicated Lord B.’s letter ‘in a manner very grateful to his feelings,” (To be sure he had! Had he not taken it au sérieur? t could be more gratifying?) Then Lord Srearnepen and Campneti—et tu Brute '/—the friend of Turks and Treaties, proceeded to scarify the Eastern policy of the Government, laying down with cruel candour Proposition I. That Her Majesty’s Government were in a great measure respon- sible for the war betweent Russia and Turkey: Proposition II. That the Treaty of Berlin was fatal to the maintenance of Ottoman Authority on Bosphorus : Proposition IlI. That the said Treaty raised almost insu ble obstacles to any new and well considered combination by which the Bosphorus might be vy Q. EB. D. All of which, though Punch does most potently and powerfully believe, yet he holds it not honesty to have it so set down by the convinced and candid of diplomatic Jingoes. nv On Lord StratHEpeEn’s hint Seal GRANVILLE spoke—first giving their Lordships a neat dissection of,the Dublin Manifesto, which he compared to a bit of clever scene-painting meant to tell at a dis- tance, then passing in review Lord Braconsrre.y’s foreign policy, which he contended had neither secured European peace nor esta- blished English ascendency. He prophesied Ministerial discomfiture

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142 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Manon 27, 1880. at the Elections. They had not taken the coun into their con- | fidence, and the country would retort. But he felt no doubt (who does’), that, whatever Government | | | i Att to the Surran, which was an to be so. Yet on that rotten STRATHEDEN’s im t Granviite’s “amiable remarks on public affairs.” had good and sufficient reasons for dissolving, Mr. Cross’s Water came back from the country, | would maintain England’s honour and England’s unity. Lord Beaconsrrexp replied, that Lord SrraTHEDEN and Camppett’s speech was made up all along of assumptions varnished with local colour. His conclusions might be sound, if his assumptions had had a base, which they had not. His policy began and ended in war. The object of the Government had been all along, and was still, not to go to war. Lord Campsett had asked for a copy of a letter from SHERE THE LAST DROP! impudent forgery, and known had. been hung not only Lord Government policy, but Lord Government Bill not being one of them. Had Lord B. thought water could have washed away a Parliament, he woutp have felt that the country was in danger! His Dublin letter had been well and sincerely felt. The policy of the late Government had em assed the Ad- ministration, and the language of some of the Opposition—present

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Marcu 27, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 143 | SS

\ S ees x AY = ‘ \ . . —~ MIDDLESEX ) \ \

\.

XN SOS > 7 > SS < - 6 ~ —— ZAP y —- —_ . = THE USE OF THE TELEPHONE, (Bell rings.) City Gent (through Telephone). ** Yes.’’—(Listens,)—“ On |—en ?’’—(Listens,)—“* An !—zn t--I pow’ quire——Wuaart ?”—( Listens again, }—** CAN’T HEAR WHAT you say !’’—(Listens, )—‘“‘ Um !—rn !—conr Here,—stop A Minvre !—IJ’Lt senp A CLERK ROUND

TO SEE WHAT YOU WANT, N1sps, RUN ROUND TO Drarer’s GARDENS, &o,, &cC.——!”’

conan always excepted—had encouraged the belief’ abroad that England was divided at home. Lords Kimperitey, Cransroox, Rrron, Carens, and Sersornr, took part in one of the smartest little conciones ad populum the Upper House has turned out, and, as usual, our Lords, in the conduct of their last week, stand in favourable contrast with our Commons. (Commons.)—A’‘calm correction of one of Government’s blunders— about the Easter Monday Volunteer Review—by the Commons’ cool of the evening, Sir Joun Hotxer; and acalm committal, by SirStarrorp Nortacote, of another and more serious one, the addition of £700,000 to the monstrously cruel and unjust probate duties on paenenany on the plea of relieving smaller estates at the expense of larger. Mr. GLapstTone protested against this tampering with an iniquit- ously unfair impost, which wanted thorough over-hauling. He showed how the alteration would make bad rather worse than better, both as pay one the pressure on small properties and the unfair distinction between personal and real estate. He knew his protest would be useless, but must make it for comfort of his conscience. ; Seavans backed Mr. Giapstone in his protest against Bill and Budget. Sir Setwin Ispetson and Mr. Hvssarp tried to set up a case for the Budget, though the latter would have nothing to say to the Bill, and gave it up as a bad job. Mr. Wappy criticised, and the CHancettor of the Excnraver did his best to defend the Budget. It was painful to see Sir Srar- ForpD’s efforts to wriggle out of the mess. He had nor extinguished the Sinking Fund, only diverted it for five years. The Government had diminished debt—they really had, though it mightn’t be so easy to prove it in and ought to be thanked for not having increased taxation. The country was hard up, and preferred borrowing te paying. After some desul talk, during which the House dwindled down to one and the Chair, indefatigable Sir Gzoncr BaLrovr being left, like @ senatorial Atlas, to bear the Collective Wisdom on his single pair of shoulders, the Bill was read a Second Time, and the House skedaddled.

Tuesday (Lords).— Lord Campsrpown pleaded for the poor water-drinkers of the peatoage, helpless in the hands of the hydra of the Companies, who can go on raising rates with rentals, till it seems likely to come to a mournful two-part song of ‘* Bricks and Mortar all around, and not a House to take!” and ‘* Water, water, all around, and not a drop to drink !”—except for the bloated millonnaires who don’t care how much they pay either for their house-room or their Adam’s Ale. Now that Mr. Cross’s Bill was crossed out, was there, Lord Camprernown asked, to be no buffer between water-sellers and water-buyers ? Earl Beavcnamr rather ted the new Bill, which he thought had been unfairly strangled in the birth, but said that whenever a new Parliament met, Water must be one of its first cares. (Commons.)—To the fag-end of a House the Bill for legalising Cab-corruption went into Committee. Never was a more audacious abuse of the opportunities of an expiring Parliament and an overwhelming majority, than this un- handsome driving of hansoms and much-growled-at invasion of growlers, over the body of the law. Say what they will, it is a change calculated, if not meant, to catch cab-masters’ votes, and to give a strong to long purses. The leg = Opposition, being divided, protested in vain, but Scotch and Irish vetos, the first country being unanimous, the second past praying for, were successful in taking these countries out of the Bill, into which an ill-advised amendment of Sir Jouw Hor- kEr’s had brought them—the Bill having been originally framed for England only. Wales she was at least as poor, and as honest as either Scotland or Ireland, but could not get out. So after various Divisions the Bill through Committee, and the Elec- tion Law of England is the worse by another advantage secured to long purses, and another facility given for indirect purchase of votes. But if Tory voters submit to be driven, let Opposition voters walk to the poll, and a-top of their Ministerial Opponents ! Wednesday (Lords).—A Lordly of arms over the Hypothee Bill, in which Lord Carnns ed Lord RepEspaLE a Scag 3k NMS

aT See ccm TNT ~~

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| 144 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

dog in the manger who objected to the Bill at every stage, sugrested nothing by way of cuanuntt, and contributed nothing in the way of diseussion. Lord RepespaLe retorted that it was discreditable to the dignity of Parliament to hurry Bills through &* Jpper House with amend- ments of which notesy. except. ote , the Noble Lord on the Woolsack and his colleagues a word. The Duke of Ricumonp Leona Lord Repespa.e for using the wal “* discreditable” of anything that happened in that exalted ouse. To Mr. Punch it seems a very pretty quarrel as it stands, with a quite unusual amount of truth on both sides—another peculiarity of the » Dananeaney bickerings of the Peerage. ‘ommons.)—Dr. Cameron tried to stop the passage of the Cabs theough the Election Law. In vain, of course. | General Saute took the line that the Bill was meant only to do justice to the poor, the feeble, and the hard-working of the Lepsti- tuents in the big boroughs—was, in fact, a boon to the working assertion.) man! (Cool Sir H. Hottawp Sorwd D ». Cameron with obstruction for his attempt to stop the Bill. (Cool proceeding.) While forcing the Probate Duty Bill through Committee, pliable Sir SrarporD altered his scale of duties. We are used to this whenever anything can be altered. All Sir Srarrorp’s scales are scales, including his scales of justice, in which probate duties—as they stand—bowever tinkered in details, have no place. Thursday (Lords).—Lord Repespate had a parting growl and gird at the H ec Bill, which the Lorp CHANCELLOR courteously oakd showed that he never read the Bill, and knew nothing | about it. | Altogether, the relations bebvem the noble Chairman of Commit- | tees and the noble Lord on the Woolsack seem growing strained in | the highest possible degree ; and if it should come to fisticuffs !—— (Commons.)—Sir STAFFORD promised Lord HaRtineton to see | what he could look up that would be ucible from the Greek | papers, though the frontier ply ween Turk and Hellene | are still d drag, their slow length along, and promise to do so till the Greek Kalen The House then set to ramming on Baron RamMincen’s Natura- lisation Act. The Baron, approved by our QueEN under the Royal Marriage Act, is to be the es husband of the handsome Princess FREDERICA, daughter of the ex-King of Hanover, whom Lord BEACONSFIRELD proclaims the fittest for an Empress of all living Ladies of blood Royal. Mr. JenxKiNs was relieved by Sir Srarrorp’s assurance—solely on the spur of the moment though—that we were not going to give this fair and excellent Princess a dowry. The Cab Bill was driven 7 aa a Third Reading, after a final protest from Mr. ANDERSON. The dodge deserves to fail. May the cabs cost the Ministerial Coa no end, and not bring them in victorious! And may ition Voters magnanimously decline any conveyance to the but shanks’s nag, and show they can ride to the head of it on that austere animal ! Friday (Lords).—Flemished up some loose ro’ (Commons.)—After a hoist of = old flag by Colonel The O'Gorman Manon, adjourned to Wednesday next.

NATIONAL FUN AND FIREWORKS. Mr. Puwcn, Drp ye read the disgusting intelligence just now wired from Philadelphia, that— “ The Protective Union of San Francisco has completely demoralised Mr. Dennis Kearney’s Sand Lot agitators, who no longer pursue their former 7 may course. .... Mr. Dennis Kearney, convicted of using incen- language, was to-day sentenced to six months’ imprisonment and dollars’ fine. The sentence surprised Mr. Kearney, who expected only a nominal punishment.”’ No man bearing the name of Kearyer, I'll go ever heard to use lan in reality incendiary at wl pai ther has incendiary language at any time em from the mouth of any man named Dennis. ** Oh, have you not heard of Katz KEARNEY, She lived on the banks of Killarney ?” Sane, aove did any ee oh of iat gentle a oe ey gee be the masc > nes, See ve t language, properly so , to eseape the palings of his teeth. Mr. Kearney was naturally sur- prised at finding his harmless philliloo taken in earnest, and himself sent ae = es six siete al brutally fined a thousand dollaze. argroed to fad our facetious friend, Mr. Pawns, would aes wate tice pe yg pF ee ving given vent, say at an anti-landlord election meet- - =

[Ma Rou 27, 1880.

ing, to ovale vitu weration, what and dull Court of Justice for incendiary playfulness, Mr. Punch. mistaken by a dense guage. It is all our Believe me, Sir, yours truthfully, Puetm O’Toore.

THE WIFE’S WARNING. Easter Mowpay, 1880.

Of one most formidable foe, Catarrh, do pray be wary! And promise me, oh, promise me, Lest o'er the treacherous Channel Insidious mists should fall on thee, Not to forget thy flannel! What if thy comrades jibe and jeer! Heed not their heartless mockings. I ask thee, with a gatherin tear, To wear thy woollen stockings ! And oh, remember this, my love, When glory shall have crowned thee, There ’s So keep thy muffler round thee !

NE moment, comm, before thou part To fight thy country’s battle, While I relieve my anxious heart thought strains oe tears, The while my heart - strings tighten— At t Baty’ s call if thou must te London- super-Mare, amp below, East wind above, EXTRA-PARLIAMENTARY UTTERANCE. Mr. Franx Buckianp informs us that on the last week a whale, between Risty fee and ,~ large beast, and covered with barnacles, ran fo Pier at Dover. This interesting creature ‘‘ spouted of Friday Ext th of the A noise like a steam-whistle of large size, and a fog-horn =o a What a seasonable utterance on the eve of a General Election! How many candidates for the representation of constituencies are now in course of < ques also, and with about as much meaning for intelligent

STRAINING AT A GNAT. Maxixe a fuss about mustering Gupnty thenmend Volunteers under under arms, yet putting all the househol canvass !

as the whale which made those noises! of England AN ANAGRAM—(WITHIN A LETTER), Home-Rvtez. Mere houl.

Derusttiox nx Bune’s Divusrry.— Vas Elections: A Pewter Pot.

@@ To Cosassrowpuwrts. — The Editor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed envelope should be kept. for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by 6

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Apait 3, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 145 BOGEY. (An Election Appeal from Head Quarters.) Arch-Mystagogue, loquitur. Hist!!! Friends, Britons, Countrymen, lend me your ears! (They beat good Bottom’s own /) List, list, do list! (And let me = work upon your (ore his is a Crrsis! ! Pinnacled on the pivot of its fate. England doth oscillate ’T wixt starry splendour and dégringolade— Disastrous downfall! Urgent my advice is, Dash dumb Yahoos who long have yawped and yah’d é Against Imperialism ! Limp Liberals whose loud litigious schism Must end in chaos, crash, sheer cataclysm ! Horrors areout! I have a special organ Detective of all shapes of ae ; And the wild way in which those shapes are flocking, Is, I assure you, shocking. Yet do not funk or feel uncomfortable, To deal with them I—I alone—am able ; The one sane voice amidst a blatant Babel, he one unfailing cable, Ship-saviour though the barque be tempest-tost— se me and all is lost! Dangers? Great Heaven, I’m bound to be oracular, I dare not trust myself to the vernacular. Pregnant and compound polysyllables only, Aided by apt alliteration, Dare I deal forth. Lord of the situation, Luciferous leader luminous but lonely, Like firm-based beacon amidst boisterous billows ! Danger? You could not rest upon your pillows Did you but know what I,—but no, I spare you, I’ve no desire to scare you ! Russia! The Radicals!! The rude Home-Rulers!! ! (The new “Three R’s” of England’s sole sound ers) There ’s a tremendous triad of vague terrors! ! ! If they ‘‘ consolidate co-operation,” Slav hate, Gladstonian gush, mad Erin’s errors Will soon smash up the Nation. They ’re the three terms of a demoniac trinity Whose natural ry 4 tg he 1 ae ain sour, 80 , savage son va, Noctivagating newly in the North, Could he be d as bare as Godiva, Touched with I ’s spear, what should come forth, rom all his of wild uacity r— A monster of mad mendacity Cakban pla: ! Good gracious ! He’sa Gesetusing to overwhelm England, and bring rank Ruin on the Realm. My followers, sweetly, sheepishly sequacious e, A That the Arch-Fiend Tn Soottish breeks, the Russ, Robed as a Tory, oe PARNELL, with pinions, A triad were less dangerous to us, _ And our fair Queen's dominions, Than him of the Three Courses, each one leading To—but to name the place were scarce breeding ! But ’tis the of Intentions. Therefore Let all who d’s heavenward tending care for, Vote for the devoted demon-queller, The second-sighted seer of foes, Of Brobdingnagian rats Yo shrewdest smell ro is smeller ; The patent Anti-Ogre Isle-protector, Ithuriel Imp-inspector, . Brave Banshee-vanisher, stout scourge of evil, Great Ghoul-detective, dab at demon: 2 And general foe of Giapstowe and the Devil, (Though that’s tautology) In fact vote—plump for Me, my poor Jonw Buti If you ’d not sup on horrors fall, choke-full ! ! nd tf that does not fetch the fogged old fogey, Ul say there is no virtue left in Bogey !) THE PROSPECT (FROM TWO SIDES). (Conversation for 1887.) Ir Lorp B.’s Lease 1s RENEWED. Dip I understand you that France, Russia, Austria, Turkey, and the United States had all simultaneously declared war with us this afternoon ? When will the next batch of Sepoys arrive at Wapping ? 7 ; ete it S ae you to hear that the Income-Tax is only five-and-ninepence in the poun The Alliance with Monaco is so advantageous that it might have been con- ceived by a MACHIAVELLI, How capitally the country gets on without a House of Commons! Which dungeon in the Tower is occupied by the Editor of the Daily News ? The Six white Elephants, ridden by the Duke of Beaconsrrexp, are nearly the finest in the Row. On what day does Lord Lyrrow make his first appearance with his Indian jugglery, at the Canterbury ? ere is 80 y very Imperial about all this showy statesmanship. Is that the Music Hall r dining with the Cabinet ? Surely those two hundred thousand foreign troops landing at Herne Bay, are not arriving merely to apartments ? I am extremely proud of the efforts some one has made to promote the ascendency of En d. Dear me, was that a shell exploding in the back garden ? What do you say to adjourning to the coal-cellar, and singing ‘‘ Rule Britannia” in whispers ? Ir trHat Awrvur W. E. G. Carrres tre Day. Did I understand you to say that five more of the Colonies had declared their independence this afternoon ? How can I help dancing the hornpipe, with the Income-Tax at only a half- penny in the ? ‘his boy of fifteen a to have the franchise. Why is the dis-established Archbishop of Cawrersury obliged to give Shakspearian Is it the terror of domestic legislation that has obliged the friends of yonder householder to lock him up in Hanwell ? I do not like this new tax on umbrella handles, mae 4 extremely thoughtful of the Prime Minister to light the fire with the imatum. Is it a party of frozen-out bricklayers, or of our representatives at Foreign Conte, © o are informing the neighbourhood in chorus that they have “‘ got no wor 0. I am not prspelond, that the Turk has declined Cyprus with thanks, Now that the Game Laws are revised, we get partridges at £1 17s, 6d. a brace in Bond Street. Who could have guessed that the Home-Rule Parliament would have so speedily beheaded Mr. Panwext ? Why bes A Duke of Midlothian reduced the price of post-cards to one half- penny a dozen Can that be an illustrious Nobleman from Argyll, playing an Jo aan on the bagpipes over the soem of our Indian Empire ? The reveption of the Hero of Berlin into the Order of Dancing Dervishes will be a very imposing ceremony. **‘Consomapation oF Co-orrRation.”—‘‘ Stores” firmer than ever ! VOL. LXXVITI, i)

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M6 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aram 3, 1880, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Se 5 s fm f Hl) I} i j SWEEPING UP FOR THE NEW LODGERS. ONE more ar ae of d ing tg pm Last week Punch flat- | that the Bill be read that day three months, it was carried by : tered himself all was over ; the Lords had their “ flurry” on | 24—the last, and one of the worst acts, in a small way, of a ehly Monda March 22), and managed to = a dd 40 my ¢ Be be- mpeener ee emai ut dos tween @ new corru rapt, aad an oO usion. Punch does not remember ever ve heard trine so un- —- epalising «3 to be - ae . their remaining stages | blushingly laid down that a law having been extensively violated, are not wil uly suapend ao can go any number of stages on | not because it was bad, but | because it had stupidly been left without if the House on ps rs)—was the Cab- | statutory penalty attached, had better be done away with than Corruption Bill, whi ase objecting to, as the hasty py by = yd a penalty. But the of convey reversal of a policy Snel in 1867 and re-affirmed very deliberately | ances favours the long-pursed candidates, favour the “Go. in 1872 and 1875, Lords Crawsroox and Beaconsrietp defend “4 ae, Ge Goverament vernment. And, as one — turn deserves another, with as admirable coolness as ever CHARD and Brommeap defended | favours them. Rorke’s Drift. This cynical defiance of legislative principle deserves to be defeated The law as it stood, th oy anil, was anomalous and imperfect. It} by results, as ay ot - h y hopes it may be. Coention b Independence allowed cabs for County = why not for voters in big boroughs ? | and Honesty, on 8's nag, outstri ts cab—even Practically, the Sos 744 =) — iy attached to the thug aera othe Fol by apatite reali vol the I “4 this matter, “the law te ay the Pe — a keleaied nothing at A “roo st g of aw in rin fh is re y who , gave ven broken. The choice of the Government la wan fe la toa lost eapising plea for Protection, arguing at that effective, and Le | away with it. On lay betw a the whole, they rw hen it | Free Trade,was a mistake—that a had lost much, or gained best to do away it. After all, it be a comfort = of, while France had gained enormously, coaveniene to the working man fo be tarred to the poll -booth, | under Dons Treaty that trade cold never revive or agro instead of walking to it. Under aes Doe GRANVILLE | ture survive unless we harked back to the old lines of or, and Layspowyg, and in the teeth ety eee at least, its modern substitute, Reciprocity.

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Apnit 3, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 147 “OUR RESERVES.” Adjutant (referring to young Militia Officer attached for instruction), ‘‘ SanGeant, Mn. SKIPLING DOESN’T SEEM TO BE GETTING ON » FA&8T ENOUGH. Sergeant (Drill-Instructor), ‘‘ It’s wot my Favu.t, Sm, WHATEVER ! A-RIVETTED ON ALL THE YOUNG LADIES as PASSES!” You CANNT EXPECT IT WHEN HIS Eves 18 CONTINUALLY The Marquis of Henrrorp said ditto to the Duke of Ruttanp, and the Earl of BraconsFreLp,—quantum mutatus ab illo Hectore,—who | not had once led the young Marquis of Gnawsy to battle under the banner of Protection, and from whose armoury the old Duke nad Gov drawn the =a 80 cbout-the-bus flourished this night, a any ‘Pal, but but yet remorselessly, proceeded to ewe ey ls Duke’s hopes and arguments on the h eigroity was impossible now that we had no import duties to he present cry from the land was due to the recent agricultural agricultural ion was due to sarweme 5S bad harvests to Dad weather ; let all these mend, and dis- and the cry would cease. The real remedy | and was ee ve oy tenant farmer security for capital invested in the to adjust his load of taxation to his back. (A word for| borne; —~ boyy as 2 h to talk s the legislative changes need- ful to Smale the En English armer to face competition, when we knew exactl aainiioloon 2 exit the poor Duke, snuffed out, but neither comforted nor con Lord Duwnaver delivered himself of a final protest — though a little after the fair—against our taking Herat ourselves or letting Persia occupy it, which would, in effect, hand it over to Russia, the | brooms Persian like other cats, having a way of letting He-rats slip its claws after grabbing them. Cysuees was disposed to agree with Lord Dun- RAVEN. The Governmen e souls !— ae a A forward to a it—sanguin speedy and satisfactory pacification of Afghanistan ‘And all this hoary i nights work and night's talk: their Lordships i Wi Seale Commissioners being duly assem: bled the Qurzn’s h Proroguing Parliament—‘‘ Pro- rogue ” has an ugly sound Commons tried to make a House, but couldn’t muster above eight-and-twenty to receive Black Rod. Then this rump of an expiring Parliament having been duly —— to the Bar of the House of Lords, by Black Rod (** desired ”’ required ” to attend, to the t comfort of Sir G. BowrEn), the Lemp CHANCELLOR read the QueEn’s Speech, expressing Heer Masesty’s deep sense of the zeal and ability of her Six Years’ Par- and | liament now proroguing ; her friendly foreign relations, ‘‘ so favour- able to the maintenance of tranquillity in Europe "(how about ie ominous hints in Lord B.'s Ray J) OF her confident speedy settlement in Af ttlements” in balding ally mean cracks, and sometimes ye rophes, on Se Majesty C aoiliiection in assenting to the Acts for those relief her joy in Conseg Se the indications of approaching revival a tueds iden & SS with which she has winened the wide- spread agricultural and the patience with which it has — her trust in ee for a favourable harvest this year, an - to come out of the Agricultural Commission ; and, Aaally, 2 yer for the Electors of Great Britain— rae on ga yet Space aying aay ndet they they may be — A Heaven in sentatives—to which prayer Punch as a peg an ‘‘ Amen ! ” as, with a “‘ Le Roi Parliament est mort !"—* Vive le Roi Parlia- ment!” he breaks his white wand, and waits the Se nneceing of the Seal of the Collective Wisdom, whose nd begin about All Fools’ Day! And then will come the sweeping clean by the pee brooms of the formidable qosumeletion of litter. which this bad old Parliament has left behind it! Py Wefnesday, March 24, 1880, ged Six Y, and Nineteen Days, me nth RE. of _ VicToriA, Leaving An unfruitful record of a Acts And an unpleasant ween 4k 2 Misemployed Opportunities. Rrvats ror THE Erection Roast.—Jingo, Lingo, and Stingo. ——

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x PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | A f — ) MINRY -Le. 2 A: \\} A POLITICAL CONSCIENCE. Indigent Patriot, ‘‘1’v# GoT NO FAULT TO FIND WITH THE Pay; BUT 1 ’D soonEeR STARVE THAN =: Day.—Father Thames. MAKE A SANDWICH OF MY PRINCIPLES.” [Aram 3, 1880, “SIC VOS NON VOBIS.” | ~¥ Ponca, gratifying to us to learn from a the first time, how our play oe persons as we are, we wrote ing speech for Sir Horace bw Stephanie's de- parture—‘‘ y wile, I have fairly won you!” which was wont to please the audience. _ somebody else wanted the last w so that was | cut out, not by us. the « conclusion, en, idiotic, (one of us was remonstrated with by a ‘‘ Public” on the impotence of our finish), it was resto , till now, we fondly imagined that it remained. After all, we wrote it. The end described by your worthy Representative strikes |us as the most idiotic yet devised; | but, poses, © somebody else will yet | su | A r the fin final exit of Stephanie, whieh you so graphically describe, it is im all respects Fey! what ‘we didn’t intend, and don’t like. By Bw a Dramatist, Mr. Pune (but indeed being everything of course you are), your humorous soul be much impressed by the common belief of our Actors in their superior knowledge of our art, as well as of their own. On the stage everybody, except the Author, kao the Author’s business. Why then, doesn’t everybody, | cheags the Author, write plays? | Yours, with respect, Tue Avruors or “ Forget mz Nor,” Tue most Learnnep Docror ne He fogged both Oxford and Cambridge. THREE MODEL CANDIDATES, For Hobbyholme. For the last month the preparations in this important borough have been of the most active a The most energetic Can- didate, if not most is unquestionably Mr. PaickLes, a gentleman of —% t possible views. Mr. Prickies has spent a = his time in receiving deputations, and giving ~~ By e is strong supported by every one with a grievance. — te put down tion, and to prevent Shipowners from having their own way in anything, he is the chosen Repre- sentative of the Anti-Contagious Diseases Association, the Anti- Vaccination and Anti-Vivisection Societies, the Societies for Ourtailing the Free Action of the Publicans, the Private House Owners and Oceupiers, the Tinkers, the Tailors, the Ploughboys, and = fF enn He has en to bring in Bills to alter all oo be pescteal antaaciares tele eiioait wi neha ery ty _ 0 BO en e estic It is exid by his omblttored por Fen : af tical enemies that his ap ony in the House is likely to ule we » if not the interests, of every class of the community. ie ringiples in Foreign Aff those of Non-Intervention. F os a For the Bawbee District Burghs. A calm, but intense, enthusiasm prevails in this district. Mr. Pawkie is the favourite Candidate. His views are cautious and practical. On egy while Pay views, he is strongly in favour Firing sak the things that - C.msar’ 8, at ’ ee time he not Saka the forcing of — oe = ‘questions prematurely to the front, and acts, in short, e spirit of WorpswortTn’s lines :— “ They also serve who only stand and wait.” Mrs. Pawxre is a zealous member of the Free Kirk, while Mr. P. continues to frequent the old Established Kirk of his fathers, but he is quite impartial ia his —" with the charities and benevolent institutions of all bodies in the burghs, being strongly opposed to | to all Erastian alms-giving in all forms, and strongly in favour of the good old Scottish Pe ya of x. y and dence, - the sound maxim, “ that every crock should stand on its ain botto Mr. Pawate is oppessd to Hizpsthes, while he feels of the landlord should be guarded, and the i the creditors of the occu ot i "auly secured. He i support Mr. Acwxw’s Bill, but will not oppose Amendments, if upon consideration he can see his w them. He is in favour of the fullest measure of ci liberty, but would not sanction an selanetion of tities of the Sabbath to which d distinctive —_ ion in the Empire, as well as the sons in all ches of trade, commerce and industry to all unnecessary interference with the liberty” whether in or out of trade, while in favour of checking for intemperance and vicious indulgence among the working ry In a policy Mr. Pawxre would cautiously abstain from com- promising th d character of Great Britain, while throwing the full rs of her influence into the scale of national aspirations and nation ters il all over the world. Some unth opponents of Mr. Pawxre call his seheme of political o inion “‘wersh” (the term for porridge insuflicien’ salted), and contrast it with the ~~ eloquence and fervour of Mr. Grastrens’s to of Midlothian. ona the the majority of the eo te District of are a cautious, practi and self- who prefer the mitis sapiont Mr. Pawxrs to the ingentum” and somewhat tumultuous and t acuidions of en aspirant to Lord Datxerrn’s hereditary te For Tare-an-ouns-ville. may O’FiatHEeR (who Py to hes called The O’¥iatuEn), ving very actory e own possession family’s lineal descent from the chief of the be rather called the king of the region owned t in the Milesian ti before the Tuatha ed the candidate of population. It is not safe to say that black’s the Fen i

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rAprit 3, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 149 > | ; > > Tinh ” NY jus v I ) >) ‘ef Hai ( a boy) L/P ON pe! th .* : | ““ AVAUNT !” Free-Kirk Divine (of advanced opinions, who has recently introduced an Organ | from the oy ! of bad cigars smoked by all the iu into his Chapel). ‘‘I’m sorry TO HEAR, Mrs. MoGrawLy, THAT YOU ARE BY ’ARRYS on their NO MEANS 80 REGULAR IN YOUR ATTENDANCE AT CHURCH AS YOU USED TO BE.” And Fair Beggite (indignant at the Pastor's latest iniquity). ‘‘ Kink, 1npEED! Wop YE LUURRE ME TAE RomE wi’ THE REST 0’ THEM, WI’ YOUR ANTHUMS AN’ SICH LIKE ApomiwatTions! Na, NA, UNTIL YE GIE ME TH’ AULD HUNDER’ AGAIN WITHOUT THE WHusTLES, I’Lu TAK’ MA’ SpeERITUAL ComFoRT aT HameE!” DOWN AMONG THE DEAD MEN, In an instructive Return indicating very general of Civic parochial funds from the charitable i destined to those ‘ Government, i having amounted to £63 7s. 6d. Of . Went in sacramental wine; the rest for to it Es Pe sum ; the poor and meetings ; how much to the former ow little latter, or vice versd, the parochial | account showed not. The Commissioners relate that— |The wine is stored in a cellar at the church.” This | latter parish is that of St. Sepulchre. There is, indeed, in this juxtaposition of burial vault with wine cellar ing peculiarly sepulchral. These orgies are doubt- less jolly, if grim. The revellers might almost be con- etived quafling their wine, in the style of Scandinavian “heroes of old, out of skulls, Their wine should have a great deal of body in it, though it be Vin de Grave, and | as such, very different stuff from ‘‘ King Death’s” in the (song, w tells you how he ‘‘ poured out the coal-black wine, , that the only elec- ought to take an interest Calvinistic divines contra- tinguish from ‘“‘ reprobation.” VERIFYING A PROVERB, *“‘ Itt Weeds grow apace.” Evidently true, judging ndays out. As Hamlet observes, smells so! Pah! ‘* TRARS—ARTFUL TEARS,” Wry is the Premren like a knowing woman ? use he knows there is no secret for getting his own way like a ‘‘ good ery.” OrGINS AN’ O’FLaTHER’s eye, or to throw the least doubt on his genealogy, founded on such an unimportant fact as the immigration into the neighbourhood from Liverpool, less than half a century ago, of The O’FLatHer’s father, at the head of a small capital, which he judi- ciously invested in the local butter and bacon trade. The O’FLatHer is a strenuous Home-Ruler of the most advanced type, and bears the official stamp of Mr. Parwett to his being a fit person to| liament, represent Tare-an-ouns-ville. He is opposed to the ruinous invasion of English capital, except in the shape of advances to corporations barony-sessions, boards of guardians, local industries by sea and land, worthy and insolvent tenants, and everybody wanting money— except landlords. His strenuous object, asa legislator, will be to stop all channels through which sums contributed by foreign benevolence can find their way into the pockets of the landlord or his agent. The O’FLaTHER owns no land in the district, thanks to the repeated confiscations of the Saxon, which have stripped him of the broad- acres of his fathers, but holds large and judicious investments in local concerns, particularly the Tare-an-ouns-ville Town and County Bank, all other undertakings having for object the de- velopment of native enterprise by judicious advances to the peasantry and tenant farmers, at good interest, properly secured. The O’Fiatuer is the consistent enemy of Saxon ascendency, and is pledged to take every opportunity of obstructing its insidious advances, excepting in the shape of loans of a national and patriotic character as above described. The O’FiatHer is opposed to all National Education that is not entrusted to the natural guides and counsellors of the Irish ple—her priesthood, acting through her national representatives. is opposed to repression and coercion and forms of legal tyranny, whether directed against the impassioned speaking and writing of an imaginative and fervid race, which Saxon stupidity calls sedition, or the lively outbreaks of that playful Celtic spirit, which the poor-spiritedness of the alien oppressor would put down as disorder. He looks forward to the time when Irish national opinion will be free to assert itself in an Irish Parliament, and all opposition to ite dictates will be regarded, as it ought to be, as trea- son, and punishable accordingly. All his efforts, in and out of Par- i will be directed to the realisation of this time coming, and towards it he will press, in co-operation with the illustrious PaRnet and the caluminated Bioaar. The Monk of Midlothian. _ Not one of the electors by whom Mr. Grapsrowe was “ heckled” in Midlothian has been so perfervid as to revive the question he once used to be asked, whether or no he had turned Papist. After all that Witt1am has written about Vaticanism, such an inquiry would now be asinine as well as impertinent. But, Lord Dundreary might ape & Sin eee Capes Wanaeee wore fo ge over te Betis what fraternity might he be expected to join? The Oratory, of course “‘ KEEPING THE WORD OF PROMISE TO THE EAR.” Lorp B. promised us “ Conveyancing Reform” in the Queen's Speech. His Government nave kept that promise—in the legali tion of Conveyances at Elections Act. ReMARKABLE Cotncrpence.—The alleged supernatural phenomena of Knock, and Spirit Rapping. : ’ i} : ; ; =

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i / i} [Mim b: LIP e/ ——~ ty i +a), pe 7 ee! la MS Sy a INSTINCTIVE | Maud (an Aristocratic Child). ‘‘How Parttry axp CLEVER you Are, Moruer! — —— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Apriz 3, 1880.

GRATITUDE. I’m sO GLAD You MARRIED Into ovR Famity!”

A SIGN AND A WARNING. Mr. Poncu, Your Howrnor, Srp, Wor a sad thing it is for the Liberal Cause that so many of that Party has gave in to them there tyrannical Teetotallers. The Publicans always used to consider the Liberals their Natural Allies. They looked to them, whenever their interestes was Assaled for to take their Part agin the Parsons and the Pantilers. We all supposed the wery wital Principal of Liberalism was Freedom of Life, and we woted at every election unanimus amost like one man for the Libberal Candidate in the sure and sertin that he would windicate our Callin from Ministers of all Denominations. Now we've got many and some of the most actif of the Libberal Lot a-turnin round upon us; and yet nevertheless they expecks us to wote for them as if nothink had appened. Wy can’t they leave us alone? There ain’t no need of legislation to ruin us. Competi- tion’s alreddy a cookin our goose. .There’s now another Coffy Tavern’s jist binopened at Crouchend. And wot sed Lord Sartes- BURY presidin on that Ocasion? The name of this here new Coffy Pub is called the “‘ China Cup.” He sed:— “ This was a most interesting occasion, and the establishment of the new coffee taverns, now become common, was matter for congratulation for society at large. They produced a great moral and physical influence on the popula- tion around them. In the cause of temperance he was happy to see people determined to move in another way than by law, for it was impossible that the law could do everything. They must work by the nobler influences of self-respect. There were great differ in the ag t of these insti- tutions, but he wished to impress upon them that coffee-taverns must, as far as possible, be of the nature of public houses, the customers must have the same freedom and meet with the same hearty reception.” Avin deliver’d his Sentiments as Abuv, my Lord and his Asso- ciates adjurned to the Tavern—the “‘ China Cup"—and sutin axion to wurds and Precept to Example ** the Earlof Suarressury drank one of the first cups of coffee.” Under aristycrattic encurridgment like this here the Coffy Taverns is incresin at a rate quite fast enuf without makin Lawrs for the Purpus of doin’ away with Licen Wittlers. The Progres of Temperance some says will injer the Grocers too. But wot they loses by the fallin off in ‘‘ Gladstone,”

and other intoxicatin liquors, will be made up to ’em by the Sale of Tea and Coffy. But then ow about the Revenu? It ave alreddy fell off in Malt tax and Exsize—owin no doubt in a grate measure to the Increase of Coffy Taverns like the ‘‘ China Cup.” Abolidge the Liquor Trade and ow Supply the Diffyset in the Budgit? By a tax to the reckisit Amount on the Peeple’s Coffy and Tee? Or does the Teetotallers perpose for the Nation to make good the loss of £140,000,000 or wotever itis by payin all that sum of Necessary Inkum-tax for the pleasure of deprivin’ their Neighbour of his Beer aginst his will? Not if the Nation nose y, toma the Nation is a Ass with Bigger Eers that I can possible . And partickler wen them there blessed Coffy Taverns is a biddin so fair as you may think, but I would rayther say so foul, to take. the Bredd out of the mouths of that Arras’d Interest, that bel, but much witu- paratted, bullyr: , and Prosecuted y, to which myself your umble Servant belong. Please don’t you goa callin’ of me, wich it is your abit by way of bemeaning of me, Bune, Mr. Punch, but BonnYFACE. P.S.—Panch cures the Gout the Collect and the Tizzick. Who can say that of Coffy ?

A Prophet and more than a Prophet. “Coming events cast their shadows before.’’ Hozza! Look at this, Mr. Punch! Ain’t it a straight tip for us? Yours ever, JrNeo. Granp NATIONAL STBEPLE-CHASE. Granp NATIONAL STAKES. Empress .. . Mr. Brasty. Empress . BEACONSFIELD. Liberator . . . Mr. Moors. Liberal. . GLADSTONE. Downpatrick . . Gavin. Won easily by two lengths. Down Patrick. PAarneLt. Won easily by how many votes?

Toe New Corrupt Pracrice.—Should go out with the Cab-in-it that brought it in, ‘

i

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epee ha ewnenenen ae ces ORE ate

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Apsr 3, 1880.

hess Y SS SS i eS SS A MM) VU shih li ~~ - — ——=—S ~ —_~- ~ Sa ~~, —— SS <= _

| EASTER EGGS. ‘**I WONDER WHAT THE BROOD WILL BE !”

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Apait 3, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 153 HINTS FOR A NEW AND ORIGINAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. Carter XII. Professor Walter Lacy—Differences— Details—Study— Properties — Reality — Acting — Devotion — Shakspearian Illustration — Comedy— Dress — Manner — Food —Conelusion — Departure — Announcements— Curtain College—Notice up for next Term. Professor Water Lacy, having finished bowing to the class and to Professor ARTHUR CeciIL, who, with his umbrella, is seated on the platform, commences :— Gentlemen Students, seated at the feet of Clio and Melpomene, | | dissent thank you for the reception which you have accorded to an ’umble but ’onest Professor or of the Thespian Art, once, like yourselves, an “4 ay ae a / t for those honours which a successful career asvents to the ent votaries of the sock and buskin. Aeplonss, specia ly Srom Professor Ceci’s umbrella, which is graciously acknowledged by the Lecturer, who bows to it, and proceeds.) Gentlemen, the Dramatic Muse is to be wooed and won. For what is she but a poetic idealisa- tion of Feminality—of that Feminality, Gentlemen Students, which I have respectfully studied in all its varied specimina—from the blonde of Albion to the Day and Martin of the Torrid Zone. end lause led by Professor Cxctt’s umbrella.) Gentlemen, study is oar thing on the stage, for there is no acting without the ver attention to the minutest tiniest atomy of every fairy detail. Brame Professor Ceci expresses dissent, but listens attentively. \ the e rematie Muse is a woman, as I have said, and is only to be won ; AW e assiduity of an ’umble slave, the self-devotion of a sighing to a languishing Juliet, the abject submission of a lusty Antony to an Imperial Cleopatra. (Cheers, in which Professor Crcit heartily joins.) Yes, Gentlemen, not a jot, not a tittle, must be omitted in your study! Observe the delicate and graceful "outline, and the bold con- formation of the Muse of Tragedy, while you equally admire the light and facile movements, the gazelle-like glances, and the well- turned ankles that coruscate before your ¢ eyes as you view the Muse of Comedy! (Cheers from everybody.) Noone can be an Actor, no one yon have within him—(tapping his breast)—the divine afflatus, who has not an eye for beauty, 7 who, sitting, as is my custom Heat, on a summer morning in the bay-window of the ancient Ship H rm with the spray of the sea among my pt rawns, does not to the full a F py the queenly walk, the undulating wave- like movement of the fair pedestrians on the ‘parade before him, and feel his heart beat with a sympathetic throb at the vision of a foot oon the bp * like a young Arab, and yet rises in the instep pam, Vehement applause, in'which ie fessor Cxctt’s umbrella heartily joins. The Lecturer bows, his handkerchief lightly across his forehead, heaves a full inspiration = continues.) es, Geatiinern; details are everything in acting, though I have not now time at my disposal to dwell upon them. An Actor is an Actor off the stage, or he is none on. He must be in the da bog he is to re t at —_. He must be Sp get woe —_ the curl of a lock, in the breadth of as Rng Te brilliancy of a buckle, lie the fundamental mysteries of our art. ayy dissent from Protesnee Cecrt.) I believe, in this st tithee from my brother Professor. La keen 2 must pm any Tet A =~ + er. ( peree) | h ve A thing the stage. Real properties—(dissent oat oe to oe oe oy eo ee acting. (Applause, led by the eae enthusiastically.) On that last point we agree. tae) Ago cutee the of human nature and the progress of Dy a aA sahiang 6 dite gud nom that tho Meskagempecs shall provide ¢ rex ita non t a Siictelamens tt those, wetede be @ beeell on he to the cou in whieh, S50 pose ece happened to be ez i dust) Ae thal isp Hs Professor Crct., presses vehement at the sumptuous entertainment given royally in OLSEY’s palace, was spread venison- Se tonto Lind, teed abut Ganon sof Rhenish ugs of black beer, and I partook freely of the viands, ale. (A pplaaee | and stronger expressions of or Crcit.) That, Gentlemen, was bein: ‘** well supported.” (‘‘ Hear! hear!”’) Sa characters as I may term the Alfred High- Ayers of modern comedies—with a waistcoat like a volcano, and supplied me in the shape there were a repast on the 8 4 was me in the shape of a delicate aw, cooked French chef, from the best restaurant in London, ed down with a glass o f govt Wt 6 Graded ttnch-end then, with the feelings of a gentleman and the manners of a man about town, I on the classic boards of Old Drury. (Loud ecit shakes his head sadly, and is seen to look at his watch, and examine his A. B. C. guide.) Bat, Gentleman, I see my Brother Professor is consulting the bill of fare—or the bill of ge the time-table, and we y= wending our way homeward, where » vious to our Lecture at the ,» arepast awaits us at the he Garrick Club, which might well the epicurean delicacies on the hospitable board of the LucuLxvs in the palmiest days of - ye the Egyptian ; a tender chicken of the early spring-time be on the menoo, then let Professor Cecrt take what he likes,—(‘‘ Hear, hear” very a, from Professor CecrLt)— for m in the everyda Gaon, t am content with the lef are the liver vine, my of breast, é ee a the succulent of the preceded, haps, HA bowl of ~ peas pea-soup, or a little bit of ish say, @ portion ous jowl of a colossal ein, by a . 4 tan of aoe be porter, which dashes my ribs like the ~ a —— = the _ of a jolly-boat on the ocean. (Immense a Goon, with his umbrella, motions the Lecturer islands @ the nar ) The Lecturer takes u concludes.) and a style, as gossips, Ye have been too prodigal ! I imple ye all 1 oe oeee a Crct ) To you, my grave Professor, And these )—I am much beholden. I thank you. (Applause. his hat and gloves, and bows in a dignified 1 have received ong ee ee by And ye shall find me thankful.” (7 1 17 Professor Crcrt.) Lead the way Since time and tide for no Professor stay ! [Insists on bowing out Professor Cxcit, then places his hand on , shakes his head in pantomimic expression of utter self-abnegation, and exit after the other Professor. The first Series of Lectures to be delivered at Curtain College— the Ladies’ Annexe—would probably include the following sub- jects for the Lady-Professors :— On True Tragic Intensity . . On _— Intonation and Variation of bay the. Art of Walking the Stage Grace- ally On True Dramatic Energy and on Proper Mrs. Bancnorr, Miss Jennie Les. Mrs. Kenpat. Emphasis in Elocution Miss Kare Vavemaw. On Consistency in Representation and the of Trnstes too much to Pre- Tt et Posture ft Miss Ettew Texny. On the Danger of Overdoing an rita tion hig. Great French Originals z Miss Genevikve Wanp. On Perfect Repose in Miss Necire Farren, i On the Art of Entirely Concealing Per- — alc in representing various - the Avoidance of Over-Ingenuous- "| Per = = Romattg of Repretsing anything like a Tendeney to Angu- Miss La Tutkee. Miss Manion Teury. folly oF Mnsleens of Byte . - «+ Miss Waris. RR: 08

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprait 3. 1880, 7 } ' AN AFFAIR OF TASTE. English Church Dignitary. ‘‘ On—ER—J’AI BESWANG D’0ON LIVRE OU DEUX, QUELQUE CHOSE DE MODERNE, ET Pas POUR LIRE A MA FAMEEL, Vous SAVVY. DIFFICILE A COMPRENDRE! Avvy vous?” Fair Parisian Bookseller. ‘‘ Ov1, Monsrevr, novus avons ca! Vorcr L’As- Ov prketexez-vovus NANA, PAR LE soMMomR, PAR Zoua. C'EST TRES GENTIL. mius AvTEvr—€pDITION ILLUsTREE !” His Reverence (aghast), ‘‘Ou sono, MADEMOISELLE !”’ Fair Parisian Bookseller, *‘ Non? C’sst POURTANT BIEN JOLI, Monsieur !” On the Advantage of Creating an Ideal of Lady Macbeth, the Queen in Hamlet, Zand Vol ja in Coriol ° On the finesse of High Comedy ° . On Unreality of Demeanour and Evi- dent Consciousness of the Presence of emAutiemes® lw lw ltl ” 7 “ | “The hints” will probably be resumed in the May Term, as Mr. | Irvine, Mr. Kenpat, and Mr. Vezin—all with their Lectures ready, | and eager for the “‘ say ”’—have not yet been heard. But the Easter Vacation has arrived, and for the it the term is ended, though the subjects are far from exha: It have been already seen, from the foregoing Lectures, that | different Professors have different principles. Who shall decide ¢ | The ultimate decision must be in the hands of the Venerable Master of Thespian—vide portrait in early part of this series. * Great — names up for this last lecture. The selection will be made by the College Council. Miss Lottie Venn. Miss Canorrye Hit. A Matter of Choice. Tae question between compulsory teetotallers and beer-drinking Britons may be concisely stated as a case of Local Option against General Mait-and-hopsion. a ! QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR ALL PARTIES. (Now being Asked and Answered Simultaneously.) Opposttion. Q. Wat weak and ephemeral Statesman of our times, sessing the inhumanity of a Nero, and the agility of a Lich, is unfit to be trusted with the driving of a com- mon city-omnibus, owing to his gross lack of the first ay he les of integrity, judgment, and discretion ? J ' _— rd BEACONSFIELD. Home-Rvte. Q. Who is the rising political day-star, who, gifted with the strength of Vulean, the humour of Vance, the polish of Rice rev, and the eloquence of DEmosTHENES, has crossed the Atlantic twice in six months (a feat un- attempted by Corumsus), and has eharged his down- trodden country nothing worth mentioning for doing it ? A. Mr, Parne.t. GovERNMENT. Q. Who is the escaped maniac who, though he ought to be in Bedlam, has got loose at Midlothian, and, to the everlasting shame and degradation both of the country that has produced him and of the renegades he has cajoled, has refused obstinately to see triumph in Cyprus, on ad at Berlin, peace in Asia, or even honour at y ome rf A. Mr. GLADSTONE. THE MAN OF LIGHT AND LEADING. _To oblige the Public, Mr. Punch, with his customary _ kindness, published a fortnight ago a — account Ww of the a Boat Race, showing the result of | the contest would not ibly be known on the appointed | day, because it would be too dark to see the finish! He | spoke the truth, if not the wholetruth. It was not only | too dark to see the finish, but the start either. Mr. Punch (as he always is) was right. The Clerk of the Weather, disgusted at the attempt. to row the race before daylight, turned on a fog of the best London quality— November pattern—so much the fashion all last winter, and the blues were merged in the yellows. Fog was pt ae ag present on the morning of Saturday the 20th 1) arch, 1880, with one exception. That exception was 85, Fleet Street ! The Rising Generation. Tue Senior Master at one of our Public Schools having advertised a Lecture on “‘Our Eyes, how we see through them,” a bold bad Boy wrote underneath, ‘‘ Or, ‘Our Pupils, and how they see through us ?’” A Reat Arcaptan Suepuerp.—A Rural Dean. The Law’s Delay. Mr. Noe lately told Mr. Osnonwe Moroan that he hoped the New Law Courts will be sufficiently finished to admit of being used by the end of 1881. Some impatient people express a fear that those Courts won’t be finished till the Day of Judgment. It is cer- tain, however, that they will be complete before that. Legal a ceedings have of late run to such lengths that, even after the New Law Courts have been opened for the dispatch of business, a con- siderable time is likely to elapse before any day of judgment arrives. FROM THE EAST LANCASHIRE BILL OF FARE. A sunstitute for Cocky-Leeky—Lamb-leeky; or, if we like our menu in bad French, Agnew au Leake. CON. FOR THE CREWS. Wr is this year like the Oxford and Cambridge Boat-Race ? Because there are two Eights in it. Toe Common Lot—Drunx on Soper.—To be screwed in our coffins !

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Arrit 3, 1€80.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 155 THE TRIUMPH OF KING FOG, A Pan at Putney. = A fe Pl TYE Vy MW yy, My AWG, SST Zp GS \ etl) 4 ~ . : EZ Z 4 ty Ad r | Sa , “Owe ( = ABE: ~. Wy ; //’ \\ iy ‘ . t-Z y l / Y 6// Bats NU | je | ka) ei ul Sg " Per “ss x > e ae y : = Z 4 yj yy / Yip YY) m Yj WY [The Oxford and Cambridge Boat-Race for 1880 was postponed from Saturday, on account of the fog, and rowed on Monday, in mist and misery.) King Fog loquitur, Ha'!l ha! Ho! ho! This is a crowning joke, A pleasantry that men will long remember. Dolts! did they think to limit my dread yoke To the poor rule of one dull month, November ? This, this will undeceive them: tops my winnings This season! I have had a splendid innings! \\AZ an we ats: @: X “J . = ; = , a == Z —SS = ———2 a = “@ - = " = = — - . - = 2 \ : = ——_ >= = i \

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156 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aram 3, 1880. ’Tis lovely to look back on! Stretched my pall Of poisonous ——- over all, Week after week, unin “ype | = ry > finding Os Oey could not see, en at hig or one noon supposes, pee on before their for-dhoked frost- sone noses, magined, gro oomier, grimier, glummer, That day had wholly eenishol —tellewing Summer ! Lord! what a lark it was te see them groping, — Like blind black-beetles, beer-bemused to dizziness, At early, but Egyptian, morn te business! Sniffing and sneezing, bling, vainly hoping For my departure, air nah tae soupy, Lungs less smo , and bron tabes less croupy. I raised the death-rates and the gas-bills high, And lowered signe and vitality. Christmas [ a lurid murky mystery, A sombre, sunless, swart, om he season, For misty misery unmatched in history. I almost robbed the artist-world of reason ; Poor painter-men went mad above their madder : So shall my evil spell extend When scantier, and 2 ph iT = Art And now returning 7 Winton of gout epee ne fad ig, no Thinking I ‘d fled, A MORNING paper announces :— “The St. Gothard Tunnel, the longest of which more lives have been lost than has now acquired the unique distinction of The wife of a workman employed in i on - hus Tele the ieee olive-branch—sprung,. to in . doing as well Bas | be expected. Punch, in honour of the event, ventures to fit a new point to the old saw, ‘ Parturiunt montes nascetur,” not “ ridiculus mus,” but ** parvulus infans.” Head Money at Salonica. P won rejoices to learn that Colonel Synex is released—for a mere song—to the very pretty tune of £12.000 ! It would be ge | to know who has paid the money. Not the English Government. Colonel is an Ottoman employé. Not the Turks. They haven’t got it, and would not pay if they had. Can the Brigands have been obliged to Synex for it ? Flood versus Fog. Wirt rails at Bex, and Ben at WitLiAM pirds ; The wise man owns, whate’er his party leanings, That Grapstowe’s speech has far too many words, Whilst Dizzy’s words have all too many meanings. A Scratcn Crew.—That of the boat in which Charon used to ferry souls over ancient Styx to Old Seratch. THE BROTHERHOOD OF BEER. No wonder Beer in Burton should be rooted on a rock—the Bass- 3 that happy borough, which between them Bass and Attsorr have it all their own way, not only in Ti names, “ Illustrious by their And prospersus by thos ow.” But in all the surrounding regions— While in less blessed boroughs parties and in of brotherly—love, at the Masonic named i Bass and Samvgt ALisopp—Liberal and in the eoPeee lg i i : Englishmen and gentlemen, that they should retain a one for another, and have the vit to beli honour, and * Conservative And to think that the source of such sweetness should of Bitter Beer! s E 3 E “Two men they are to all the dear, And passing rich on profits of their beer.” y-leaders are at actually cu one another’s throats, Burton concord and Brewerly—which seems the best kind all, in Union Street, ily ty) to celebrate the unthreatened supremacy of EL A Conservative as they are— ial affections of East Staffordshire. ledging the toast of the “‘County Members,” Mr. Bass as sound as his beer, and i ly opportune at g OF mage country. On drawn, if not to take all as truth which fell from the a more , or disrepu- Majesty’s Ministers; and on the other hand that a more rascally, dishonest, or dishonourable crew did not Opposition. Those words were really only the language metaphor, and all that was meant was that the ‘ outs’ wo' t the ‘ins’; and that if they were in they thought they could who were at present in. Fortunately, at the present did not allow politics to interfere with private friendship, and he trusted that, however much they differ on political ques- y would never cease to remember that above all things they were kindly consideration e that there was truth, those who differed from them.” rose, and said ditto to Liberal Bass. y, in Thorough-Bass, is nt eienine. ess sh the spring The fountain of such light is the flow of the uprightness, even in ALtsorr then H amber-osial nectar of Bass and ALtsoprr ! There Is it in the fluence, so equall is @ lesson in this, if philosophy could but find it out. the saccharine of the malt, or in the wholesome tonic of , that we should seek the secret of this harmonising in- or is it that such honest Brewers must be honest men, and welcome their i their political y to constituents, whatever trode-meme, gplang op Coats bottle-label testifies as now to the quality of their Parvom in Mvuiro.—Election speeches. &@ To Coseussrowpants.— Fhe Editor does not hold himnsel/ bound to acknowledge, return, stamped and directed envelope Roplas should be eye Contributwons. In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by «

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Apiit 10, 1880.) THE ONE THING NEEDFUL. Fashionable London Cousin (surveying Country ditto, a Cornish Viear’s Wife, who has been expitiating on the Rocks, the Waves, the Sunsets, the Seals, and other beauties of the Cornish Coast). ‘‘AND ARE THERE ANY Dressmakers ts Comnwaii?” WHICH IS IT? West End Comedy—adapted from a recent Law Report. Scene.— The Drawing-Room of a Belgravian Mansion. Judicious Duke discovered going carefully over the items of a long haberdasher’s bill, Confiding Tradesman waiting obsequiously (x). Beautifully Dressed Duchess toying idly with a parure of diamonds (t). Judicious Duke (handing back the bill). You may take this memorandum back, Sir. (With determination.) Not a single penny of it will I pay. Confiding Tradesman. Indeed, your Grace, you fairly surprise me? Surely you do not deny that the articles, as specified in the invoice, have been supplied ? Judicious Duke (with aristocratic bonhomie). Not at all, my good friend, not at all. On the contrary, I am aware that the rich Lyons velvet, trimmed so tastefully with point | the birth d’ Alencon, which Her Grace the Duchess is doing you and it the honour to wear at this moment, comes from your excellent establishment. Ha! ha! ’pon my life you are an obliging firm. Laughs heartily. Confiding Tradesman. We trust to deserve that character, your Grace; but now that our usual five years’ credit has run out, we should like to see our money. Judicious Duke (nettled). By the memory of my ancestors who fell at Crecy, have I not told you that I owe younothing? But as you seem to doubt my ducal word, this distinguished legal authority may suffice to silence you. Enter a Lord Chancellor. Lord Chancellor. With the utmost pleasure. I presume our fair and gracious hostess (bows to Duchess) has been running up this, and pooitly other little bills, without the consent, nay, even in spite of the ~~ injunction, of her noble spouse ? Beautifully dre: Duchess (coyly). Ah, my dear Chancellor, vous avez toujours raison ! Eh bien, I plead guilty. [Smiles sweetly. Lord Chance: llantly). Of course, and as a consequence this worthy tradesman has no case. (Fiinging himself on to an ottoman.) You cannot recover, my good fellow. By the law of England, the husband is not responsible for the debts of his wife.* So, prithee, retire * See latest case, Debenham v. Mellor, decided on appeal by the Lords Justices. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 187 to your counter, and your reflections, and leave us to our tea, and society-scandal ! [ They laugh heartily at Confiding Trades- man’s discomfiture as scene closes in, SAME—EAST END VERSION, eg ne! 0 peas County Court. xperienced Judge discovered on bench fapoeng of a ** Contempt” case. In- judicious Artisan, Ais Missus, and Officers of the Court in attendance. Experienced Judge (having heard all the evidence). Well, it’s very clear that you have made no sort of effort to comply with my order, Every halfpenny of one debt of £1 17s. 6d., for gin supplied to your wife, is still unpaid; and this, in spite of the injunetion laid upon you by this Court gredually to discharge the whole by weekly Iments of half-a-crown. It is a very bad case. You must go to prison till the debt is d Injudicious Artisan, Excuse me, your Pore. as I told ase afore, it ain’t no mine, M issus here, as she’ ll tell you, being cubes this mornin’, she’s run up that ’ere tick, right in spite o’ me, though I'd threatened her with a pig A she didn’t drop her drops. is Missus (simpering with a curtsey to the Bench), he did, your Honour—— Mey 4 Artisan. And that’s the , and the ’ole truth, so elp me—— Eaperienced Judge (looking to notes of next case). That do. I don’t want to hear goer explanation. You know as well as I do that by the law of England the husband is responsible for the debts of his wife. If yours well contract them, why don’t ou ook after her ? (To Officer of Yourt.) There, that will do. Kemove him. [Injudicious Artisan is locked up, to the surprise of nobody, as the Curtain Yalls SELTZER AND SALETTE, A Conremporaky announces the com- memoration of Kaiser WiLuELm’s birthday at Oberlahnstein, between Ems and Co- blentz, by the opening of the Victoria foun- tain, formed of a new seltzer spring acci- dentally discovered last year through the r uantity of bubbles in a pond in a c , found to consist of carbonic acid made subsequently showed to be a valuable one. Its water is re * quite free from iron,” and **more like the well-known fiscal Selters- wasser any other yet discovered.” Here you have with merely local difference another case of the La Salette fountain, or that of Lourdes, barring their Apparitions. However, though no Apparition attended irth of this new fountain, its primary spring also first revealed itself by a display gas. this Election Anagrams. (By a Bored Biue.) Mr. W. E. Gladstone (from Midlothian) —We get on, Lads! Conservative—V oters can vie. Liberal—Bear ill. Radical—RKail, Cad ! Home- Rule—Oh, lure me! Dissolution—O | is Lion dust ? Parliament—Pat, rile man. Parwett’s Roap To Partiament.—Ab ovo usque ad mala. VOL. LXXVIII, P ——— eo preter =

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[Aprit 10, 1880, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. ih Vi | 158 !) o>, as \ i Hy LR oe Ni = “ ity il Pd ‘a “WY ’ 4\)), a WS, \ { Wy J P \\ NYY, \t N\ Wy WA\ LV »s*?° SN oo JIN Y 4 A “~ \\ \W\/%, \\ ~_ \ P L Moy by ey pry / ah r™ AS Ww ai p \ es Had watched her at her petulance and id play, - ug’ Even when they seemed unloveable, As those that watch a kitten; thus he Tolerant of what he half disdained, and she, ay 1 that she was but half disdained, reak her sports with graver ~ Began to Turn wholly blue; and thus she clung | (See Mr, Gladstone's Letter in reply to Mary Steadman Aldis's Petition, Fixt in her will; and so the terms went by. Daily News, March 15.) A sToRM was coming, but men’s minds were still, And, in the dim tracts of Utopia’s land, At Merlin’s feet the would-be Graduate prayed. For, yielding to his kindlier moods, the Sage

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Apait 10, 1880,} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 159 Pat O’ Flaherty. Dvuowess OURSELVES! ”’ - ws : ‘ - SS ~—> = / | ¥) Ui i “* iN RELIEF FOR IRELAND. Mickey Doolan (who has dropped in to see his neighbours the O’ Flahertys). ‘Wit, PAT, HOW ARE YE GOING ON THESE TIMES!” “ILLEGANT! THANKS BE TO THE Sarnts! We ’RE FEEDIN’ THREE Pics ON THE Mansion Hovas, AND ATIN’ THE Then Merlin loosed his hand from hers and said, **T never was less wise, however wise, Than when I gave ye first a footing here ; For, once —— ~ you like the gnat That settles, beaten back, and, beaten back, Settles, till I must yield for weariness. ays since I will not yield to give you place In academic contests and degrees, Why will you never ask some easier boon,— Private examination sans degree? Yea, by St. Scott, I trusted you too much.” And Vrvren, like oe tenderest-hearted Miss Fresh _ the gl hey ope and Mangnall, thus replied : “* Nay, M not wrathful with your maid, Who feels nok heart to ask another boon ; Tae PS you neotty know the tender rhyme Of ‘ take us all in all or not at all.’ I heard the Peorie’s Wiit14™ sing it once, And it shall answer for me. Listen to it. ***Tn Arts, if once examiners be ours, To take Ler we must have equal powers ; The loss of these is as the loss of all : ** © Tt is the little rift within the lute, soon will leave the Girton lecturer mute ; And, slowly emptying, silence Newnham Hail. ** * The little rift in academic lute, The speck of discontent in hard-earned fruit, That, eating inwards, turns it into gall. *** It is not worth the keeping ; let it go: But shall it? Answer fairl ap no; And take us all in all or not at all.’ **O Master, do you love my tender rhyme ?” OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN, (St. James’s and the Haymarket.) Old Connie’ is the title of the duologue, which serves as a most omnang Sar du rideau at the St. James's. It is brilliantly writ y Mr. Tueyrre Surra, ond ores by Messrs. Mackrwrosn and WENMAN in admirable taste with consummate finish. The revival of Still Waters ton Deep, will interest those who remember its YK goonneiion at the Olympic, those who have heard so much it since, those who have seen it indifferently performed by Amateurs—and what set of Amateurs has not tried it at some time or ev get ey the Amateurs themselves who have represented it, and who pride themselves on their own original of the several parts. But with how it was first played at the Olympic, when ALrrep WIGAN was waged Mrs, Atykep Wiean Mrs. Sternhold, Groner Vinine Hawksley, and Emery Old Potter, | have very little to do just now—that is, as far as comparison goes. Most Theatre-goers are acquainted with John Mildmay, Captain Hawksley, Mrs. Sternhold, and Old Potter; and all who know the play are aware, that, in the First Act, Mildmay is deceiving his amily circle by assuming /e réle d’un gogo for his own ends, which it is the purpose of the play to work out to a triumphant. finish. a _ Kenpat does not let the audience see that he is only erening to be a _ aE he treats them as he treate Mrs. — and attempts to deceive them as he has deceived her. ane the secret of the play is kept from the audience during i only very gradually developed, it is left for the Actors to enlighten us by very marked exhibition of eee Neale beneath is a y y great is his villainy, to what extent Mrs. Sternhold has been indiscreet. : If the representatives of xy and Mrs. Sternhold were, 80 their parts, no audience of ‘average : in ignorance of what the Author had in- their characters to be, or what were their motives for action. = a SU a ale le iE Oe i abode BARC.

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PUNCH, OR THE “ SUFFICIENT FOR THE DAY,” &o. Old Gentleman (to Groom), ‘‘Wuy, Martin, WHAT THE DEUCE HAVE YOU GOT THERE?” Groom, **YOU TOLD ME YOU'D WANT SOMETHING TO GO A CANVASSING—AND I THOUGHT THE OLD ’UN ’UD Do FOR THAT!” LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arar 10, 1880. THE TRUE STANDARD AND THE SHAM. (Two Ways of taking a Facer.) Srourty, Standard, face disaster, Brave endurance halves the hurt . Nor like D. T. seek a plaster For defeat in flinging dirt ! Magnify not each small triumph, " 7. not each bad Ti wt or to Victors’ peams cry ‘* Humph!” So to hide how you sing small. Own the truth like a fair foeman, Who thy coat hast scorned to turn, And be sure that there is no man Who with blush for thee need burn ! | No—our scorn is for the bluster Blatant blundering meant to hide, For the funking masked in fluster, And the prophecies gone wide. For the reams of rubbish wasted, Burst of drums bethumped in vain ; Windy bags of words bombasted, Blown but to collapse again ! Prove the worse the better reason, Pass thy bray for Lion’s roar ; Rave, as fits thy name, till season Comes for turning coat once more ! A COMING EVENT THAT HAS CAST ITS SHADOW BEFORE. Tre Post-Office is about to get rid of its Manners. (The young Ladies in our Branch-Office got rid of their Manners long ago.) Not so with Mildmay. He is a mystery in the First Act, jast as much as the letter brought by Hawksley is a mystery, and the audience know as little about the one as the other, unless the actor shows us distinctly when he is playing a part to deceive Mrs. Sternhold, when he is carrying out his ** laisse faire ” principle “‘ too far”’ as regards his wife, and when he is really John Mildmay, the upright, honest, strong-willed, keen-sighted, and politic Lancashire lad This is the single fault that can be found with Mr. Kenpat’s impersonation. Mr. Hane as Old Potter is inimitable, that is, if Old Potter is to be represented as an octogenarian. ‘‘ There is only twenty years difference between us,” he says to his sister, Mrs. Sternhold, who, in spite of all Mrs. Kewpat can do to herself in the way of ** make up,” does not look a day more than thirty-five, though, according to Mr. Hare's appearance and the dialogue, she ought to be sixty. Either Mr. Hare’s Old Potter is too old, or Mrs. Kenpat’s Mrs. Sternhold is too young. Su ing we say thirty years’ difference, and consider Potter as an old seventy ? Then, again, Mr. Terniss, as Hawksley, is too young—(at least he was when | saw him on the first night: I am informed he has grown older and wiser since then)—and he rather enlisted the andience’s sympathy with his pluck when, in his own room, alone with Mild- may, he, slight figure as he is, raises his hand against Mr. Kenpat, who puts him down at once, telling him not to try that again, as it is a contest between a hale lad and ‘‘a battered London —_ — ~— = ed — out by the a rance of Mr. Trxniss’s Captain Haw . In fact, supposin tldmay a champion heavy-weight, and Hawksley a champion if ht-weight, the latter a trifle superior in science, the knowing hands would be inclined to back the Captain in a set-to. Miss Graname’s Mrs. Mildmay struck me as being exactly what a young girl would be who had been brought up by such a couple as Mr. Potter and Mrs. Sternhold. She isa mere cipher in the house, just one step above the more recently-introdu cipher, her hus- and. Taken altogether, the lormance is most satisfactory, as being interesting amd decidedly amusing. Mr. Hane’s maurais quart d’heure betore dinner is capital. Of Emery in this situation, Cxantes Dickens said, just twenty years ago, ‘I don’t think I ever saw anything meant to be funny that struck me as so ex i ry, - lLeouldn’t get over it at all” (p. 429, vol. L., Letters of Charles Dickens). is opinion would be equally true of Mr. Harr’s Potter before dinner. I fancy, too, that if a trifle less intentionally droll than Emery’s, it is truer to nature. | In the theatrical magazine, The Theatre, this month there is a leasant discussion on the Pit of the Haymarket, which might have om headed, ‘‘ What has he done with it?” or “* What will he do without it?” The editorial summing-up seems to be that Mr. Ban- CROFT possesses an undoubted right to do what he likes with his own roperty, at the same time implying a recommendation to him not to oitagain. The Haymarket restored—without the Pit restored—is splendid and luxurious. The public has yet to get accustomed to such magnificence, and is at present inclined to w its approval with ’bated breath, and to applaud most decorously with velvet palms. Only the utterly farcically comic seenes in Money rouse the audience outside the gilded frame, when they applaud vigorously and laugh heartily. ; Evelyn, with his Polytechnic leeture on gold, and his false story of the Sizar at College, and Clara, with more human nature in her than her lover possesses, but overloaded with sentiment, are two beings whom it is not possible to produce as realities in ordinary life. Macreapy and Heien Favucrr—stilted declamation and affected turing—these were the original Evelyn and Clara of Lord Lrrsos’s play, and so they will remain. Make them less than these made them, they shrink to nothing, and the play lives on Lady Franklyn, Graves, Sir Fwedewick, and the reading of the will. Yet I never saw Miss Manton Terry to greater advantage than in Clara Douglas. Whatever could be done with this character in our natural modern style she did, and not a sign of that over-strainin after ingenuousness which was so specially noticeable in Duty, gave a semblance of affectation to the Officer’s wife in Ours. Mr. Antuvr Cecit is to be commen for mak Graves a gentleman, and Mr. Bancrort’s Sir Fi k, if occasionally overdone, is for the most part decidedly funny. Of course it is a caricature, of a type like those in Vanity Fair. : In Mrs. Bancrort’s Lady Franklyn is contained the spirit of the piece, without which it would be intolerably lackadaisical. That the part for its most successful points relies on broad farce is the author’s fault, and Lady Franklyn has contrived to shift most of the farcical responsibility on to the PPY Graves who, heaven knows, has enough to bear already, with his eternal ** Sainted Maria! ”’ Mr. Kemete’s Stout and Mr. Forses-Ropsrtson’s Lord Gloss- more are excellent as caricatures, the former being a trifle too ex- aggerated, while the latter’s make-up is wonderfully good, ay perhaps not quite what the noble author had in his mind when wrote the character. Your Representative.

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Aprit 10, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL “ MASTERLY INACTIVITY.” First Elector. “* Puump Yor SLOKER, WILL YoU !—you DON’T MEAN THAT!” Second Elector, ‘‘Centarsty—He’_u say NowT! AND He’Lt DO NowT— AND HE’LL sPEND NowTr!!” SIR LANCELOT AND SIR JINGO. A COLLOQUY AND A CONTRAST. INTERLOCUTORS—The shade of Str Lancetot pu Lax, a Knight SaeE Court, Sir Junco DE Pat Matt, a Patriot of the P. Sirj Lancelot. Knight of a later day, I bid you hail! Although not plumed or panoplied in m As was our earlier fashion, you, belike, Have knighthood’s —. proud - prompt to strike In high and honourable cause, and yet, Gentle, and just, and generous. Sir Tings. Well, you set he standard high, but, no doubt, both are game To whip the world, and that is much the same. Sir — Nay, not entirely, Sir; in such a fight uppose the world, not you, were in the right ? ~~ why suppose on rot? Enough for me, k our own side, and ae Cea BEE What ‘Rule Britannia” m Sir Lancelot. ~ what is that ? Sir Jingo. Why, Butt erect and foreign foes all flat, Like tumbled ninepins, or the knights you shot From saddle in the lists at Camelot One after t’other, if old tales tell true. Sir ine, wt | ving eva that pass. The knight his sword who drew, ce in rest, for a cause, N Ay in defence of violated laws, Or weakness that lacked champion, won no praise, Victor or vanquished, in our earlier days ; So fail I, whateoe’ er his skill or force, To see his claim to honour who ’d divorce Knighthood and simple justice. ; say, Sir Ji “-. Come, hat’s GLapstore’s line, the Laycetor of our day, As some enthusiasts swear ; though, were it true, ’Twould seem a doubtful compliment to you. Sir Ji ir ing When | Queen GuUINIVERE,—nay, never blush !— Called for her Champion, did you care one rush heth ther her cause was righteous or was not ? Not you! Well then, to each true patriot me 4 sa GUINTVERE ; for her he'll fight never stop to fuss about the right. Sir Lancelot. Sheer espeietey | Be sure the worthier love Of All ate hearts oe onour high above l other Why To — his land forsworn, or ~sway' omens to deg! 8 scorn, strong, successful, sca less, to true knight as ‘iitele, of delight Y wy ao fine cobweb-weaving 's pet my style. y lot ie is cast in this sea- And what its interests claim I’m game 00 tihek ; And as to forei —a Caw Old Ragland, hee her ete fain =, Cares not a curse for Chassepot or for She ’d lick the lot, Sir! htt). Tm te pray, to wun your foes ? pee Se peer } oudly in advance. it rab like to battle @ outrance ’Gainst heaviest odds, we held, was ever he Who heeded most the Lg 8 of chivalry,— Lover of fair Cause, fair , Conflict fair, Courteous and calm and and gravely 7 ae : you pak, See etaot ote most, Is that a Gentleman Your sty: Of Tarstram : colder than a grey March morn, Had Axruvr’s eyes in mute reproof in his own be! our modern ong heat, Fowtered by hate and _ on blind conceit, The clowns of our time had contemned. Methinks an oa ay ghostly substance c _ shrinks Cte emnes spirit of a later Stout it may be and forward in the ter, a non in such churl fashion it had found ttle acceptance at our Table Round. Vanishes. Bin Jingo. pot - duffer ! a talks awful rot. If he’s a Sample of the "s lot, co ARTHUR as a modern Gentleman ” W promptly fall beneath St. — ’s ban. He may have suited Camelot v yey ge But would not do for patriot P Mall Quite Superfiuous. Tue Times informs us that— “His Excellency Puya Buasxanawonoss, Envoy of His Majesty the King of S1aM, is expected on a second visit to England about the middle of May. It had been arranged that the King of mee | himself would come to invest Hen Maszety with the i of the Order of the White Elephant, but it is understood that His Majesty’s visit is for the present postponed.”’ wisely. The Earl of Beaconsrrexp has invested mab with such a lot of White Elephants already, an the | ein one would have been pably one oH that, His Siamese Majesty's White Elephant must must a. been dwarfed by those much bigger ry ey Cyprus, Turkish Convention, Trans- vaal, and The Premier’s Problem. He took a ae Resolution, And now e! his em, Dizzy’s Solaton, May prove but Dizzy’s + Distilusion ! an TaromPn yor Eeyrrian Haiti.— Professor Cricklade! What a pity he didnt goin for 8 Pwo-hore borough, and carry Cooxz **Svear Bounty.”—Four lumps in a cup of Tea. ities TU rt 2 aia Ee

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162 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Arent 10, 180, She. “1 po nope vou ’”t Smxe Tas ArrERNoon! WHat 1s your Voice?” He (modestly). “* Om, A KIND OF A SORT OF A BarrtTrone-Tenor-Bass, DON’T YOU KNOW ; LIKE SANTLEY AND Sims REEVES ROLLED INTO ONE—ONLY UNDER Betrer Conrrot! Tose ‘ Proressiona, Fettows’ NEVER KNOW HOW TO SinG IN A Drawino-Room !”’ She. ‘‘Inprep? No more po some Amateurs! I’M TOLD SOME DREADFUL CREATURE WAS TRYING TO sING GouNoD’s ‘MaAID or ATHENS’ Last Toxspay AFTerNoon at Mrs. Ponsonsy Tomxkyns’s. Everysopy was IN Firs, iT szems!” He. *‘ At Mrs. Powsonsy Tomxyns’s! Do you KNOW YOU MUST MAKE SOME MISTAKE ; FOR, ODDLY ENOUGH, THE ONLY PER- SON WHO SANG THERE LAsT TUESDAY AFTERNOON was MyseLr !—anpD, BY A Srranoe Corncipence, Gounop’s ‘ Map oF ATHENS’ WAS THE veRY Sono I sano !”’ She (blushing uncomfortably). “‘ An! IT WAS SOMEWHERE ELSE, THEN !—OR SOME OTHER Day!” He. *‘ No poust. I wonper Were, anp WHEN, AND WHO IT COULD HAVE BEEN!” [Js wondering still, KING JOHN IN DOWNING STREET. | “STOMACH FOR THEM ALL!” ActI¥. Scene 2. A MESSAGE wired from Berlin the other morning announces that :— : Le 4 k b 0 ; - inet cae Oh GOs Reems Company; “ Attentions have been showered upon Prince Bismarck this day from all King John, Lord B, Faulconbridge, Lord 8. Peter, Mr. P. | quarters in honour of his birthday.” King John. Thou hast made me giddy | “This day,” was April 1. Bismarck, even Bismarck, entered With these ill tidings. Do not seek to stuff | the world on the First of April : M head with more ill news, for it is full. Here’s an cnnation to the general rule; Faulcon ridge. But if you be afeared to hear the worst One born on All Fools’ Day, but born no fool. Then let the worst, unheard, fall on your head. — That, however, having been Che day of the great Chancellor’s , birth, he observed it as a high festival. ay we presume to imagine And here’s a prophet that I brought with me, | the dainties whereon he chose to regale himself in keeping the Feast Whom I heard sing, in rude harsh-sounding rhymes, |of All Fools? We know a man of his intellect to be capable That ere the next Ascension-day at noon |of drinking a mixture of champagne and stout. Was this the .. Your coms should deliver up your crown. | beverage with which the illustrious statesman washed down a ban- K ing John. Thou idle dreamer, wherefore did’st thou so ? | quet commencing with a hors d’euvre froid of raw 0 and rasp- Peter, Foreknowing that the truth will fall out so. berry jam, and terminating with a dolce of treacle and stewed cheese? —— | The Clewer Case Construed. A TOPICAL ANAGRAM. Tue Lorp Cuter Justice, Judge both wise and just, Pur Grapstone into Greek, and, strange as true, ** It shall be lawful,” would interpret ‘* must.” The Legal Peers their common-sense display, And rule “ It shall be lawful,” stands for ‘*‘ may.”’ Behold, my son, how Judges of this land Plain English in two senses understand ! | Easter Wisn to tae Riout Parry.—More Happy Returns! Lo, a prophetic counsel comes to view— EiSaluwv-Al@os—* O, Midlothian sue! ”’

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~ ry ae os a eee tas a ” — — ——— _ -_ 7 oes = = — as ~ = xr — ~ = _— - - — _ — ne : a= : — THAT IS THE QUESTION.” “TO BE, OR NOT TO BE PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Apniz 10, 1880.

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Apri 10, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 165 WHINES FROM THE WOOD. Caught in Hughenden Park, last week and this, HERE ’s no mistake about it, Montry, my boy. Somehow or other we seem to have made a’serious miscalculation. 4 ‘Twenty-five to nine to in with is begin heavy odds !|—and : it gets worse daily ! I shall advise Satispury to buy a villa at Nice—and stay there. We must be grateful for small mercies—so let us say, ‘* Thank heaven, CarDEN is in for Barnstaple ! ’’—if he can only keep his seat. Why didn’t I take a Dukedom and a Dissolution after Berlin ? It is at least a comfort to reflect that if they come into office they won’t know how to get out of Cyprus, or Afghanistan either, for that matter ! Really, Montey, if bad news keeps pouring in at this rate, and nothing falls vacant within the next month, I’m afraid I shan’t be able to do anything for you! Ha, the accounts this evening are a little brighter! Countermand that Coronet. Why, this is worse and worse! But I always regarded Nemesis as a notably vulgar goddess, _A “little reaction” did you say? Then wire to Lrrrow to tell him he need not take the Poet Laureats ip at Mandalay. _On second thoughts, tell him he would, perhaps, do better not to give up the notion —: It is to be hoped that whatever happens, Surru will find his Naval knowledge eminently useful in criticism of those other fellows. _There, now, my dear boy, put out the lights, and don’t wake me till the row’s over and the returns balanced ! FLUTTERING A DOVE-COT. (An incident from the Diary of a Convalescent, told in a few Chap- ters properly wre a bey the Series usually headed ‘* Friends at a ~\ aaa which appeared from time to time in these pages. CHAPTER I. A Picroné or Strix Lire. Tene is no en like home to be’ ill in, but there are many places far better than home to get well in and to be convalescent in. ™ if | must be quiet; if London and work have knocked me up— or er kept me up and knocked me down—then absence from London, getting out of its reach, away from its noise and bustle Fg sight of its = opt ¢ ro 4 i dust and, fogs—all ese are necessary conditions for the ut restora- tion to perfect health. - After the confinement of a sick room, no matter how pleasant gentle and untiring solicitude may have made it, our nat cry is, Air! air! give me air!” and a hybernating Londoner who has not seen the sun for months, cries, with the expiring Gofrne, “Light! more light!” That’s my feeling personally about con- bo np and this being mine, I attribute it, sympathetically, to others. I do not i into motives, it. being, as a rule, an unsatisfactory rocess, but I can’t help noticing that my friends, bless ’em! seem— say ‘‘ seem” tically, because I may be wrong—seem more pleased to entertain me when I am a convalescent than when I am in rude afid blooming health. There is more of a rush to get me, so to speak. If I am correct in my surmise, I fancy it is use I am more amenable as an invalid than when in robust, perhaps ob- jectionably robust health. It is quite possible. Judging by my own experience of others—invalids t mean to whom | have given an asylum—it is indeed highl ble. An invalid wants but little ae below, and he is ready to take that little with the east ble trouble to his He has been giving trouble so long—he has been like CHaRitEs THE Seconp, ‘‘ so unconscionably long a-d ,” and has well after all, which the sad Merry Monarch ’t, that he he owes some reparation to society which is represented to him tem. by his immediate friends who Tet ents I have said ble ;” his te e is, ently, as ve , “‘amenable;” his tem rary di tion is yielding; he is grateful for small mercies ; Mie habits are regular; he does not want to about ; require to be perpetually amused; he is a plain eater, a small drinker ; he needs rest, a it, retires to bed at an early hour and, above all, he is peculiarly quiet. These remarks apply, 0 course, to a convalescenting invalid, by which [ mean one who, being clear of the wood, is yet nervous about wasting his breath in holloa- ing with joy on that account; but ae oe not ventase 6 .~¥ - is increasing 6a giant re , lest he Ne oi oudden experience a re . Soon all these counts a con- valescent is to a hale, hearty, boastful, unsympa- thetic, , Vivacious “‘ never-ill-a-day-in-my-life,-Sir”’ sort of man. Without credi' myself with being all that my fancy has just an peed; healthy individual, I am morally certain that more avidity is shown by my kind friends at a distance—at a t distance, too—to take me in when, mind you, it really is a nen | to receive me, than being in the enjoyment of ex- cellent health and poisite, I y intimate to them that I should like to “‘ ran down” — is the expression a hearty man invariably uses have a few ’ hunting, shooting, fishing, or whatever may be instances they don’t refuse, but—in fact there is a ‘ but” w prevents their accepting my own polite invitation for , and then they generally name a date when will be hted to see me, and when it will be utterly im for me to go. But when I om sequveriag from an illness—when I am convales- centing—then em | are friends indeed. It was nectemery to dwell on in order to a due appreciation of the incident whic disturbed me my ul retreat, and utterly unsettled my excellent host and hostess, the Cosserrs of Motemoss Sheepton-on- Sea, scarcely a mile from Lambegate, which, as some may be aware, he does not is in winter, but, a8 every one knows, is one of our most . sea-side resorts in ° otemoss, Sheepton-on- is, of all places in the world, the most rfect for a convalescent. It is an old gothic manor-house, beauti- ully sheltered from the blasts, but = with a Sonthern aspect to the sea, comman a full view of the bay that reflects the ever- sky. lovely winter mornings there are at Motemoss ! spring mornings! hat an expanse of clear blue sky! What music of plashing waves! What crescendo move- ments, announcing a coming storm! How grand the storm itself! Then, when its fury has been spent, what a delightful calm, what marvellous effects of colour on the rocks, and what a magnificent hope-inspiring sunset! For an invalid the manor of Motemoss ords extent for sufficient exercise; the climate is delicious—not too effeminately soft, not too boisterously rough. The worst day at Sheepton-on-Sea is worth a month of worst days in London, its best day is—at least to me—invaluable. In winter, one hour of its sunshine revives in me all the life that has been choked in me and smoked out of me by London black fogs; and the absolute repose of Motemoss, within without, restores my jaded spirits, makes me feel calm, and happy ; ves me & « ¢ ment; re-awakens in me a love t; kindles in my on unyentod of i hee Se Smee Sree been all my life intending to > excites my envy of ALEXANDER SELKinx; It arouses in me an intense desire of ist where I am, bread. has been it, has alread worthy yng ET, -- Rie Aaah hl ONC ace Pie ar aes

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166 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

ecececeececcc?

AL "1 gee Petia th Mead Ni Ny a "as : Nill \ L hy Hy el wen “MAN OR WOMANP”’—A TOSS UP. ‘‘DRessks ARE STILL UNIVERSALLY CUT EN Cave. A VERY DREssy TOILETTE, AND ONE, MUCH WORN NOW, FOR THE EVENING, 18 OF BLACK Broce oR OLOTH) MATERIAL CUT EN Hasrr p’HomMME, WITH PLAIN OR KILTED SKIRT, VERY TIGHT; FOR FAIR LADIES IT I8 VERY BECOMING TO OMIT A TUCKER, AND HAVE THE BLACK WITH NO SOFTENING.” Jowrnal des Modes, 1st April. _ I languidly agree, or from which, just for conversation’s sake, I politely differ. As for society journals, for tittle-tattle, for enden ‘gossip, for London scandal, thank heaven, it seldom reaches our ears at Motemoss, where we are far away from the busy, giddy, whirligig, whizzling world of London life. : ; Before —- J town the doctor has told me I must do nothing—absolutely nothing—no lite: work of any description; that for awhile my projected sporting historical novel entitled Arché s, or the Tail of a Screw, must be in abeyance; that my original tragedy of The Maltster must not be touched ; that my Essay on Zhe Properties of Zine must not be commenced ; and that my classical comedy of She bends to Triumph, or Delend. est Lumbago—in which my criti i who have heard it say there is so much back- bone—must be left, just wae it is for the present, at the end of the Fourth Act. I must have no correspondence on busi ; I must enjoy m ; I must bask in the sun when it shines ; I must be fed at ay oy hours on the best but plainest fare; I must be indoors by three at latest, and retire to betimes. This is to be my life at Motemoss. And, to my delight, this

OHARIVARL _

{Apa 10, 1880.

is and always has been, from year's end to year’s end—excepting a month’s excitement in town during the season—the life of this happy family at Motemoss, Sh n-on-Sea. ey rise early; not too early, not with the first lark, but with the second or third. Before nine o’clock breakfast Squire Cos- sett is out in his garden, and then out on his horse. The Squire, being a Magistrate and a Captain of local Volunteers, and also one of the Board at the aceeonnes watering-place, has his duties, which gene- rally occupy his mornin In the hunting season, to go out with Mrs. CossETT, a per- fect horsewoman, three times a week, is his duty and pleasure. They don’t overdo it, but return in Sod time generally for lun- cheon at two " The uire some afternoon business, which keeps him till nearly dinner-time, in Lambsgate, unless he is visiting his tenants, whether cottagers or farmers, or walking over his property gun in hand, while his wife is out in the <a pa a round of visits, accom- panied by a female friend, and if v warm, and no north-easterly wind to cate him suddenly, and send him coughing home, by their convalescent guest. And then the quiet evenings, the chatty, pleasant, homely dinner, the snug room, the cosy chairs, the cheerful fire, the ex- cellent coffee, the wee-est nipperkin of old liqueur, the fragrant tobacco (if the con- valescent is up to it), the soothing music, only played when the d is unani- mous, and the punctuality of the sound o the fiat candlesticks on the table in the old hall, and the hearty ‘‘Good night!” and wishes! O hour of ten P.M., ow I have come to love thee! How have I hated Clubs and smoking-rooms, and festive gatherings, and music-parties, and dinner-parties, and crowded rooms, and excitement erally. ‘* Never again with you, Rosry!” I have murmured to myself as I have snuggled down into the yielding comfortable bed while watching the warm flickering firelight. Such was our life at Motemoss. A few friends, now and then, to a sociable cheery dinner, and away at ton pensions no + ner of time or ag no — quent regrets; no y or soda-and- lemon ; no distaste tor breakfast. Over our door might be inscribed the motto of the pious edictines, ‘* Paz.” ? In this deligh state of reverie and rest I had remained a fortnight, carefully carrying out the doctor’s orders, when one afternoon, on my return from my gentle walk, a servant, evidently much flurried and dismayed by something un » came up to me and said, ** There’s a telegram for you, Sir.” Had he pon a loaded revolver at my head could not have more startled. I could only gasp out, ** Where ?” ‘*On the slab in the hall,” he replied. He was evidently afraid of it as an un- canny thing, and wouldn’t have touched it on any account. I took it up and inspected the envelope, as if I expected to discover the sender M the handwriting. It is a mistake into whic most people, not in the habit of receiving telegrams, very easily fall. Some men like to defer the pleasure of knowing from whom a letter comes as long as they can by look- ing at the », trying to } whose handwriting it is, examining geal, saguang Wome eee Sones as to whom it can ly be from, and finally, with great reluctance, after all uetting opening It. " . I open it, dreading something terrible.

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Arait 10, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE THE WRONG BOY IN THE WRONG PLACE. Sir Pompey Bedell, J.P. (on discovering that his Eggshell is an empty one turned upside down). ‘* WHAT— WHAT 18 THE MEANING OF THIS ?’ _ The New » Page. ' _ ‘Fost °° Harrit, Sire !’’ (Explodes, and is dismissed with a a Month's Wages. SNACKS FROM THE STUDIOS. (By Mr. Punch’s own Scamperer.) During the first Sunday in sees and yt last Sunday in March, the ateliers of the R.A.’s and eminent outsiders have, accordin e now consecrated custom, been thrown open 5 the Critics and the Patrons of Art. Afbough busily engaged in electioneering like everyone else, Mr. Punch’s Representative found time to jot down a few notes that may serve as an overture to the Bene yy House Opera. ere Fag a few of the entries in our own Scamperer’s J in alphabetical order. .—' Fredegonde,” the Divorced Queen, S nmap) g Nak a coment, curtain pe with resentful looks on the re-marriage of The marble in the picture is (as usual) dashed in anyhow, and without the slighted ropa t regard to nature. The egg, however, which the Paces | is on the point of throwing at her ve is very precious in its ess of tho aS peg oy A.R.A.—“ A Music P taught to play _.. meaning his Grandfather, seated old- “fash ite taian nae rs er on an on over oa Paterfomilias in the bedteveend g a Policeman to to move = is a very noble iece of work, at once strenuous and subtle. E. Burne-Jones. —‘‘ The Golden Beairs, ” representing a company of Girls in white LONDON CHARIVARI, _ | 167 Sanita a flight of ieiion:; stairs. As might have been ex from the previous work of this Artist, the girls ann a denly yet majestic models of lust and rich physical development. own stairs with a vi vigour that seems to echo the a vig 0 of prim pe and proclaims the delicious of gladness in bearte that have not yet learnt life’s sad lesson.— Vanitas vanitatum. a R.A. (fo Hand to aon." represen player, accompanied by a little Htele boo with a , making his Ree urchases in a 8 shop. ne of those chapters from the Simple m_- of the Village Poor, which this Artist records with so right a hand, and a mind so far above the conventional and commonplace, W. P. Farrn, R.A.—"* The Prawn a ler.’ Ascene at Tenby. A deeply si ficant presentment of a practical joke. Prawn Seller has nothing but shrimps in his basket ! Srr Jonn Grupert, R.A.—‘' The Murder of the Duke of Gloucester.” The delicate half tones of this dainty picture are in the Artist’s most serene manner. The chief defect of the work is the lack of energy— there is no dash in the colour, no bravura in the —— no ‘‘ chic” in the composition, H, Herx A.R.A. =e Grandfather's Pet.” Old — icking out intruder. Why paint a subject so ? Ifthe aati eae supose sudden bursts of , is this a reason for consigning them canvass—per- ticularly in these : times, when irritation at a Canvasser’s call is surely excusable ? J.C. Horstry, R.A.—"* Leading Strings.” Sweetly illustrating the lovely old way of up in the way they should go. ext year we may look out for a oom - ee Uecectas teas at tan the y staggering steps of unas- sisted babyhood—a subject as new as it is teudihnn be to the deep heart of maternity. Sire Freperick Leionton, P.R.A.—A series of ideal Female heads remarkable for the strenuousness of their forms and the glowing life blood of their flesh tints. The vitality and vigour of the President’s virile —— be traced in every touch. E. Mitrars, R.A.—A noble portrait of vistas Tuomas of Chelsea,” and for companion, an ly less memora “True Jonw Everett of Kensington.” It is but right that a grand old master of the pen should be balanced by a mighty young master of the pencil. J, 0’ m. —** Sunrise from Waterloo ete Neg companies picture to “ We ‘Go Hone till Morning.” — J. Poryter, R.A.—** Visit of Venus to Esculapius,” to whom the Goddess, attended y ow indiguantl oa we bes its ius y exp that not a chiropodist. The contrasted ex sions of the God of Physic and the he Godden of Beauty may have suggested the second — ** Corn in Eayr." V. C. Parser, A.R.A.—‘* The Durbar, Delhi.” A wonderful - ae Major Banwes in - tabard, Lord Lyrro of India, in sky- bine, if foot len Rams, Jams, Ramj Day C The attempt the aight atl to wind up his time-piece —— = == ae " _Si-aeol O85 SOR RN PE BY SOS A rE nqquRRRgRE em =

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| 168 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Aprit 10, 1880, with a corkscrew has apparently been unsuccessful, and his feelings | under failure are very tenderly touched. G. F. Warts, R.A.—A fine portrait of himself, which will not be | exhibited with the time-honoured title of “‘ Portrait of a Gentleman,” but under the jeu de mot “‘ What’s his name?” It is destined for the Painters’ Portrait Gallery in the Uffizi, Florence, where it will take the distinguished place it deserves in the Uffizial Catalogues. Here Our Own Scamperer’s Note-book ends. N.B.—Punch's 0. 8. does not disguise the fact that he has seen none of the above pictures, and knows nothing about Art; but in these enlightened days of esthetic enlightenment, easy manners, and free thought, is there anything in either of these details to prevent him from exercising the functions of an itic? A right-minded echo will assuredly answer, “‘ Certainly not!” Own Scamperer is a right-minded echo, and repeats the substance of | what he hears, if occasionally with variations. A MORAL SONG-(FOR ELECTION TIME), (After Doctor Watts,) 5 1s the voice of Barraywia, I heard her explain— **T’m wide awake ~ % I won't slumber again; As Materfamilias, once out of bed, I must sack my late servants, and turn off their head, ** A littlemore sleep, and a little more Few - nd my wars, bi and little, had grown out of number ; Over vanishing trade have had to fold hands, Perplexed, not with orders, but debt- ors’ demands. “*T passed Jingo’s Music Hall. lit That on Russia’s big bogey blazed h Thighs” at on Russia’s big igher and higher, I heard “* Rule Britannia, 4 & cod ger " ’ With a great deal by way of bounce, bunkum, and brags. **T called upon Jingo as hoping to find, Common sense found access, at length, to his mind, But he told me his dreams, talked as if he’d been drinking, For he reads the D. 7., and has long given up thinking. “Then, said Punch to Jomn Butt, ‘ you take warning, J. B.,’ This Jingo’s a picture of what we might be. sut thanks to our friends for the care of our breeding, Who warned us, betimes, the D. 7. against reading.”’ AN APPEAL FOR MANY YOUNG WOMEN AND ONE OLD ONE. 1.—For the Young Women. * Sweet girl graduates in their golden hair.”’ Graroy is proving—ta numbers as in honours. Opened in 1869 with six Students in a humble hired house at Hitchin, in 1879 the humble lodging-house to a handsome College, within easy reach of Cambridge—as it has shown at the last mathematical examination—with 60 students, of whom thirty-six have received degrees, certificates, and twenty-four have been declared up to the standard of honours in one of the Triposes. The Council of the Senate of the University of Cambridge, in acknowl these proofs of vitality and vigour, have wisely npn tative members f things years hence represen ege. rat have begun, the 60 Girton girls will, six The friends of the College are anxious to prepare for this increase And Mr. Punch’s |G of its daughters. The founders are in debt some £6,200 for borrowed money, and want to pay it off. To this appeal for help towards this purpose, Punch is glad to see appended ‘besides the names of dy STANLEY oF ALDERLEY for £500, and Lady Gotpsmir for £100, with other less imposing handsome contributions, that of the Cloth- workers’ Company for £315, and the Brewers’ Company for £100, Better such gifts, oh, my worthy Guild-friends, than many dinners ! Punch would sooner have your Companies than your, rooms, while you 80 pene yet revenues ! Pune y gives his publicity to the E raps = and glory of Girton, and direction to those who feel inclined to give on its behalf, either to the Treasurer, Miss Davis, 17, Cunningham Place, London, the *‘Girton College Account,” at the London and County Bank, or its Secretary, Mrs. Croom Roxnertson, 31, Kensington Park ardens. Il.—For the Old Woman, Having paid his debt to the young women, Punch passes on to what he ‘, glad to own as a debt—and not his debt only, but all his readers’, and all English and Scottish working-men’s—to an old woman—a poor old woman--Janet Hamitton, of Coatbridge, near Glasgow, who died in October, 1873, at the age of seventy-eight. After the stories (so well told by Samvuet Smrzes) of Ropert Dick, the baker-geologist and botanist of Thurso, now dead, and Tomas Epwagps, the Se nero aepuraliat of Banff, still living, there are few records, even in the annals of the Scottish poor—so rife, to their honour, in lives of self-devotion and self-culture—more remarkable than that of this poor old woman. Born in Oetober 1795, the hter of a small shoemaker, after- wards a field labourer, of Old Monkland in Lanarkshire, Janet HAMILTON was up from early gir to the hard work of the spinning wheel and the tambour frame, married her father’s journeyman in 1809, bore him ten chi , and after a happy and laborious married life of sixty-three years, died in October 1873, leaving behind her such utterances of her thought in prose and verse, as are not unworthy for singing power of a countrywoman of Rosert Burns, while they a spirit as high above temptation, as devoted to duty, and as cheerful under self-sacrifice, as his was impatient, unrestrained, and irre Having taught herself to read without so much as a start from the village school, she rapidly exhausted the scanty libraries about her, and, while never segetting her hard *‘ day’s darg,” read, learned, marked, and digested so muc of the best poetry and the best history as came within her reach. She was full besides of the abundant folk and ballad lore of her region, and loved nature and flowers as keenly as books. : She was fifty before she taught herself to write—out of printed books ; and that age, living in Coatbridge, one of the grimiest and squalidest suburbs of Glasgow, among some of the roughest and most drunken of its iron-working population, keeping her house in order, bringing up her large family, working all day till nine or ten at night, then reading till two in the morning, and up again at seven, through many years of this life of labour, she uttered in song much that is always tender and refined, and much that is w uy beautiful, considering her circumstances and nye iy And this while she did more to promote good causes, and, above all, the eause of temperance, in the drunken population round about her, than all the teachers and preachers. For last ten years of Janet Hamiuron’s life she was blind, her eyes having failed her from over-labour; but in her blindness she was good and cheerful as ever, and she sang to the last—hbetter, perhaps, for her blindness, as cruel folks say caged singing-birds.do. Two volumes of her prose and ry have been published and sold off, and deserve to be reprinted better than most remains. When she died in 1873, r a model life, not only of such self- culture as has been described, but of courtesy and charity, kindli- ness and siete, Guest dignity, and warm affection as a wife, mother, friend, neighbour, and example, she was followed to the grave by many thousands, who knew what her daily existence had been, and many m been turned from evil ways by her influence. Punch now tells his readers of this remarkable life’s work, because it is proposed to erect in Coatbridge, where she lived and died, a drinking fountain in honour of her, who so well deserved a memorial, and to whom such a memorial is so appropriate. : The Treasurer of the Fund is Mr. Jonn Cowper, National Bank. Coatbridge; and some £40 of the money for the memorial is still wanting. It is little to the credit of Glasgow that ae appeal beyond her borders should be eee | but it is y to be regretted, if it serves to make more wi y known the name and life of Janet Hamitron! Beyysamin TO Barrannia.—Nune dimittis ! Exxatum.— They also serve, who only stand and wait.” Murton’s, of course, not Worpswortn’s. The blunder is Mr. Pawkie's, not Mr, Punch’s, but he ought to have corrected it. 4@ To Conrusronpunts.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed envelope y for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a ‘opies should be kept.

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Aprit 17, 1880,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 169 “4 yy ita HY SORE Ty say. ! f ~ ve UH set | \ WY ay ——E——— ary ELECTIONS ON THE BRAIN. ** Look—tLook, Para! He's [Poor Papa, an unsuccessful Conservative Candidate, can't stand it, and seeks refuge in the Monkey-House. 8 AT THE Top or THE Potz/” WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY, Tue Government have been beaten all over the country an oe majority. Reasons for this are as plenty - Blackberries. Among them we may mention ~“ ot Keen Political Observer—“ Because the weather has been dead woh cog them all along The C Tory—* Because oe that fellow GLapsTonE ’s a match ‘for O Old Nick himself.” The North-Country Whole- Hogger—" Because Bua- had rope enough.” Conservative—‘‘ Because your average Working Man is such an oe Becau fool.” The ban S Because your Jingoes are F |such a set of blatant idio’ The Unsuccessful Candidate—* 3 Because that lying agent didn’t half work u => His Amiable Better Haif—“ Besant, as I told him before he began, to please the mob he ought to have gone in as one of those horrid Radicals,’ His Son The Captain—' Because the Governor ought -y | to have known that it s only Cads and Attorneys that put up for Parliament.” Music-Hall Baritone—“ Because that new Jingo Chorus was as flat as ditch-water.” The Rational Tradesman—“ Because th didn’t come down hammer and tongs on those infernal Stores.” oe Humanitarian Enthusiast—‘’ Because they kept the country in a are, epetaet everybody, and un- settled everyt l over the world,” The Irrepressible 5 hen Because they didn’t throw a hundred tt thousand men into Gal lipoli, and pitch the Russian Ambassador into the Channe An Exultant Antagonist—‘ Because they’ve out- raged ~4) the sound sense and Christian sentiment of the —- inted Supporter—‘' Because they’ve been rasti themselves to the National feeling.” he Hen. » a Tadpole— Because they have 80 yo of trustin he Right bet monstrous! ya | bon r. Ta —** Because they ’ve been oe $ t- nafield * Beca ular praise i _ is pugig keeles” oo sas Apvice To Facot-Vorers,— Cut your stick!” OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. At the Gaiety to see the ‘‘ Voyage en Suisse.” Havine heard great things of the Hanton-Lees at the Gaiety, in Le Voyage en Suisse, 1 went expecting to be highly diverted by these Pierrots; and, as far as they are concerned, the performance more than realised my anticipations. A Pantomime in T Acts sounds formidable ; but there is just a thread of a story, and the action is so rapid, and executed with such marvellous neatness and precision, as never to weary the spec- tator, though it does bewilder pi considerably, and, while watchi ing the absurd feats of the two comic servants, it leaves him, at the e of each Act, uncertain as to whether he is on his head or his heels, but quite sure that he has been laughing at it most heartil y. That I am unable to say with any precision as to what the piece is about, may be owing to my pavion unfortunately missed the com- mencement; but as to what the Hanton-Lzes and M. Acoust are about there i is no difficulty whatever in ascertaining, come in when you They are certainly wonderful Pantomimists, and the sprightliest of acrobatic performers. So intensely droll are they, and so fixed is the attention of the audience on these the cent "figures of this pm performance, that the business and the dialogue of the king actors who are engaged in assisting the story, and allowing the Han ton-Lees breathing time, go for vey little, except in the the Act, when the situations in which Mr. Pewrey, Mr. Ricuron, and Miss LAWLER are concerned carry alent briskly what, after the oe comic ponte, ht be a trifle slow. rain Scene, showing the compartments while the train is in motion, is very — and the rapidity of the action is startling and always amusing. Had it bean all in ‘action, without any speaking, and only in the hands of pantomimists, with suitable musical illustrations and occasional concerted pieces and choruses, it might go even sharper, as it seems to me, than it now does,—and that is saying a good deal. scene in the Third Act, where the Hanton-Lzegs represent the two Searamouches gradually intoxicated, and unable to distinguish between a candlestic = & wine-bottle, is res humorous, and their subsequent escape from a Gendarme, persona by M. Acoust, is capitally managed. The _— performance i is Sy and well worth a visit from all who wish to see to what ection Pantomimic Art can be brought. Next week I hope to able to rt on the two other recent novelties at the Opéra Comique and the Folly; and till then I am, as ever, Your Representative. Bung, from his Bier. “ He a dead yet speaketh.” 8 one Who, if ¥ roth been Fact, And Excise-license English Liberty, Would have saved the Co untry. its sxpenagd A Iouas dow of thdigenge, a Ww . Aen of by wo? : He nothing to And he three-fourths of the Elections. EXEMPLI GRATIA. Tue most no-Torious county in England—Durham, which has returned . Liberals . : . Conservatives . ¢ @ TRAMPLING ON THE FALLEN. Tux News-boys at the stations are hawkihg the latest biography of,the “‘ late-present” Premier as “* Benjamin Disraeli—just out ! VOL, LXXVIII. &

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Ss Cites Aprit 17, 1€80.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 171 FLUTTERING A DOVE-COT. (An incident from the Diary of a Convalescent, told in a few Chapters Segoe belonging to the Series usually headed ‘‘ Friends at a Dis- tance,” which has appeared from time to time in these pages.) CHAPTER II. ‘On DEAR, WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE?” Tats was the telegram :— ‘Coming down this train see you business tmpor- tant, It was sent by “‘R. Borzmeproox, Holborn Viaduct,” just five minutes before the starting of the train. To reply. ** Don’t!” was impossible: he was already half-way on the road by the time I received his message. ** Important Business!” In my state of tran- quil convalescence and listless ease the word “business” was quite enough to unsettle me without the “important.” Here was I, so calm, so quiet, in such pure contented enjoyment of the repose at Motemoss, so far from all mundane thoughts and cares, so willing to remain in this state of all but intellectual coma, and to be thus rudely broken in upon by ‘‘ Business important” ! “Here!” I a aloud in a querulous tone to myself as I stood all alone, telegram in hand, in the comfortable study—‘‘ Here) have 1 been ordered—positively pee | by the doctor—to do nothing—to do absolutely nothing for weeks. And I retire far away from London to do it; | hide myself; I don’t give my address even to my dearest friend, telling my family to forward my letters under cover once a week; and, within the first fortnight, before, so to , my I have had time to recover my breath, down comes Dick BorLineBRook upon me with ‘ Business’!” I shouldn't so much mind if I were propped up with pillows in an arm-chair, and had the ghastly ae, the quavering voice, with the lean lan ands, and, in fact, in a fo way got up like Mr. Irvine as Lous the Eleventh. But I’m not ; and BorLInGBROOK, seeing me now as a convales- cent, looking three times as well as ever I did when in health in London, will look upon me as a shirker of work, a sham, and a sponger on the credulous sympathy and generous hospitality of my friends. At the very idea my brow becomes clammy, for I see myself ex as a hypochon- driacal hypocrite who should be at once banished from Motemoss, and sent to the Printers’ Galleys on a sentence of hard labour for life. It is so inconsiderate of one’s friends who, seeing you look well, refuse to believe you have ever been ill. There was no help for it. Burning the telegram wouldn’t prevent his coming. I couldn’t u the entire household by sending someone with a message to the Station. The household was not accustomed to sudden v ies; messages were never sent except by the with the post-bag at regular stated times. As to telegrams, they are looked ~ by Motemossians as an invention of the Evil One, ex in very exceptional cases, when they are considered as exactly the reverse. There is no one of all their dependents who would go off in a hurry anywhere. They don’t believe in hurry; they don’t even force vegetables and fruit at Motemoss; so there is nobody to take a telegram were there any use in sending one. Be- sides, I couldn’t refuse to see a man who had travelled nearly a hundred miles to interview me on important business. In another half-hour the | th train, if punctual—or in three-quarters at most— would have arrived. Then, what would my host — He had not come back from Lambsgate, where, I believe, it was a market and Sessions day; and Mrs. Cosserr was out “ returning civilities,” as we phrase it at Motemoss. ce aoe enone vane a solemn, _— pul er, or such a digni personage as I im- agine the Editor of the Quarterly to be, then, I j ~~ y aT Sw yaaa ALL AS IT SHOULD BE. Stalwart Athlete. “A—I was at Sonoon. wirn your Broruer. Dip HE EVER HAPPEN TO MENTION Mg To You t—Tosias TaLsot Tomiinson ?” Fair Wrangler from Girton, ‘No; suT wHen I was A LITTLE Girt | USED TO SEE your Name on THE CotuEcr Booxs, you know. IT WAS ALWAYS THE LasT OF THE Form, AND You were Frvg Fest ELEVEN WHEN YOU WERE ONLY IN THE LOWER FourT#S, AND MEASURED EIGHTEEN INCHES ROUND THE CaL¥F or THE Leo!” [They dance, fall in love with each other, marry, and live happily ever after—need we add that, in point of Stature, Sense, and Beauty, the nwmerous little Tomlinsons leave nothing to be desired. feel intuitively, he would not be out of keeping with the surroundings in Motemoss. Such an individual would enter as noiselessly as an undertaker, would glide into the library as though the atmosphere of these old bookshelves were familiar to him, and would soon be absorbed in the books. The “im t business ” of such a grave and reverend person would be of a kind quite compatible with the retirement of Motemoss. It would probably be to arrange with me for an essay of some fifty pages on the age of SewwacuErrs when he came down like a wolf on the fold, to pew two years hence in first s magazine of that date. But then he would not have telegraphed—he would have taken three weeks to fix such a visit. Besides, e CossETTS, Ww evenings are decidedly studious, and who, instead of frittering aoey Ge ~~ either pe -_ em i oe own house or rd dy absorb regularly every night as m solid magazine literature as is good for ¥ or even sometimes more than oF can carry between dinner and bedtime, would have been proud of having so learned a -_- in their house, and, figuratively speaking, would have sat at his feet. But Dick Boriiwennoxe is not a reverend anes nor a learned Pundit, nor an Editor of « Serious Critical Quarterly, though, if he chose, he could give some of these more information on most subjects in five minutes they pick up in as many years; for Dick Borinopnoox is w man of most acute and rapid observation, retentive memory, ready wit, quick Fe ai a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 17, 1880, "Shtaesns ~ ype ML Vf Ws MMM MLL VA REACTION. First Merchant. ‘‘ Weir, wHat’s Fresu ?” Second Merchant. “‘Om, 1 THINK THINGS ARE LOOKING BETTER, PEOPLE GETTING ON THEIR Lees AGAIN——” First Merchant. *‘ Tarmx go” Second Merchant. “‘Mo povst or iT !—Goop many Psoriz vsep To Rive, you KNow—WaLK wow !—Ta, Ta——” application, and good sound practical common sense in everything. With him there are no two bites at a cherry: if he likes the cherry, he takes it at once, rejecting the stone. Nor does he know two ways of compassing an object : he goes ay oy at it, and obtains it if he can: he doesn’t beat about a bush him- self, but he is sharp enough to take advantage of somebody else’s beating, potting the animal as it runs out, and walking off with it in his own bag. )ICK 18 a citizen of the world, at home everywhere ; kindness itself; generous, impulsive, detesting cant as much as duslicity, hating Pharisaism, but with no great admiration for the Publican ; never rough, ever ready ; with a certain brusqueness of manner, acquired by continual telegraphing, so that his epigram- matic letters and way of speaking are now as characteristic of the man as were | h the Wellington despatches of the [ron Duke. Dick has lived sufficiently wisely, and never too well. He has gone in for all sorts of trades, businesses, specula- tions, and professions. He is proprietor of two or three theatres, though his name doesn’t appear, and owns as many music-halls; he is mysteriously connected with most of the amusements and entertainments all over the world ; he directs the theatre at Alexandria by telegraph ; at a moment’s notice he the Holeed tang: § lapaaninss de hatin co wee i ; he agents a’ tipodes, who, without his support. wouldn’t know whether oy stood on their heads or their heels ; he has entered into a contract with the for a “ Variety Entertainment” in Japan, though he has not yet quite succeeded in the difficulties p in his wy the Emperor of Cuma, who, I believe, insists on having a few little things of his own performed every season, for which he will take all the receipts without any abatement ; and it is generaliy supposed that the Shah of Persia’s visit was only one of BorLiveBRook’s speculations, though he would have nothing to do with the unha CeTrewaro and his wives and \ Qa le ey Js with ° ; he is consulted on all sorts o itan Improve- ment subjects by SubCommittees of the Board of Works, and his information fe ecarest and invaluable ; he knows what to buy, when to buy it, and the t market to buy it in; he is connected officially with several daily jour- nals and is part-proprietor of some of the light magazines and weekly illustrated | well, I forget what he was reading—but as ”.° “comics” ;‘ he has a small rising property by the sea- side; it is whispered that he is going,to stand for some- where at the next election; and he is;the active partner in two or three restaurants and hotels. He is here to- day, gone to-morrow,:somewhere else the day after, and Heaven knows where after that. He turns up when you least expect him—as now—always on business, yet he seems to have plenty of time on his hands for pleasure, for reading,—there isn’t a paper he doesn’t take all the honey out of in about half a second, and he reads them all—and, I sup for sleeping. I have once seen him asleep at the Club in an arm-chair over a publication— THACKERAY said, when he detected his own novel in the somnolent person’s hands, ‘* Let us pass on”——and once I have seen him—at least I fancy I saw him, though I could not make my deposition on oath—asleep in the corner seat of a first-class carriage on the Eastern Counties line. But even on these two occasions not the sharpest barber—not Figaro himself—could have done much in the way of shaving Mr. Ricuarp RorLrneBRooxr’s eye- brows. And this wonderful bei this restless, per- turbed spirit, the embodiment of the push-along genius of the present day, this man of perpetual motion—this is the gentleman who is coming to fiutter the Dove-cot at Motemoss with his important business. It has utterly upset me, to begin with. What is his business? I haven’t an idea. He has so many busi- nesses; and having myself a knack of turning my hand to a few things in the literary and dramatic way, Mr. Ricuarp Bortineprook considers me as a sort of ‘* general utility’’ in the above-mentioned lines ; and for my own part, I find that my Pegasus makes a serviceable sort of cob, and his well-clipped wings save me a considerable sum in goose-quills. It Mr. Boriine- BROOK wants a topical song for the Great Wace, Lion- Comique at one of the music-halls, in which he is ‘*interested,”’ he sends to me; if he wants a pantomime- opening for one of his theatres, if he wants a stump- speech for the ‘‘ comic man” of one of the numerous troupes under his direction, and for various other trifles, about whose — the public neither knows nor cares—as why should it /—Dick BorLinesrRooxk generally telegraphs to me. But e, at Motemoss, I have got out of all this; in- stead of music-halls I would give pent up to medita- tion. I don’t care about topics. I don’t want to about them in the newspapers, far less to write songs about them. No, I loathe and despise all this tin-pot frippery, and would take up something grand, colossal ; something that will leave its mark in Literature an Art; something that will be a household word wherever the English name is spoken, that will live when lion comiques, topical songs with catchy choruses, burlesques, and suchlike follies are dead, buried, and forgotten. What is Dick BorLixeprook’s important business ? Mrs. Cossetr and her sister, a quiet, elderly widow, and her maiden aunt, who never about without her ‘*work”’ in a small basket, never allows Satan to have the slightest chance of finding her some mischie- yous employment for want of something better to do all these three ladies deeply sym se with me, an think it really quite heartless of any one, no matter who e may be, to come down and worry a convalescent, placed in their charge for rest, on a matter of busi- ness. ‘And to send a telegram, too!” exclaims the aunt, sitting down to her work. She loathes te \ and shudders at the bilious colour of the — envelopes. All medicines should be alluring to the eye, and pleasant to the palate; and telegraphic envelopes should be pretty. The Squire arrives. He takes a new view of it. ‘Delighted to see any friend of yours, my dear fellow,” he says to me. “That ’s very good of you,” I return, sadly. ; “Of course he’ll dine with us if he’s got nothing better to do,” the Squire says, to which his wife adds, “* Oh, of course.” 1 thank them in Dick BormmyeBROoK’s name and my wn. ** He can’t be here much before dinner now,” observes the Squire, consulting his watch; ‘‘so he won’t have any time to bother you about business, and we won’t give him a chance during dinner.” Excellent plan! I thank the Squire sincerely, for my nerves are dreadfully unstrung. )

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Apsit 17, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 173 But stili Dick Borzuxesroox will see me at dinner—and—and—I regret to say I do feel unco y hungry. If he sees me eating and drinking heartily, he’ll show me no compassion, but have me up to town to work at once; perhaps take me back with him! _ There is only one thing 1 implore the Ladies and the Squire to remember, and that is as I put it to them piteously, “* Don’t let him keep me up late.” That is my dread. IfI am not in bed by half-past-ten at the latest, I am a lost man. I feelit. Like the unhappy Coupeau in L’ Assommoir, when, on recovering from his delirium tremens, he told that a ef pean will be his ruin, and who dreads the roximity of the bottle, so I, knowing my own feebleness, knowing oe difficult it is to retire where a guest wants to remain, pray my host to insist on my retiring at an early hour, and I beg my hostess and the Ladies not to delay their departure beyond their usual time. ‘* My dear fellow,” says my host, *‘ you know our rule here, and we never break it for anyone.” Then he changes lies, ns By the way, what does your friend drink? Anything? verything Yes, anything and sy He is, I say, one of the most genes fellows in the world, and the easiest to please, and no soomer ave I given him this character than there is 0 tag at the hall- door, that sets the yard barking outside, and brings out the inner canine guards and barking and growling, ¢ the master and mistress servants to chorus out in tones, “Quiet, Pincher! Down, Glen! Quiet, Snap! Be Puggins!” and, the dogs having been chivied away, the ones shut into the back part, and the smaller carried or driven forcibly into the drawing-room, the door is opened, and from the library, whither I have retired so as not to be in a dra 1 must on no account be in a draught—I hear Dicx’s well voice asking for me, and in less than another minute the library- door is opened, mney | such a blast of cold air as might have —ae the presence of Hamlet's father’s ghost, and the servant ushers In— Ff ‘* Mr. BortrnesRook, Sir.” 7 I tremble, actually tremble. Decidedly I am not in condition. Had I committed some fearful crime, and the Detective from Scot- land Yard had found me out at last, and had got the warrant in one pocket and the handcuffs in another, [ couldn’t be more excitedly nervous, more agitated I am now on the entrance of Mr, BorLINGBROKE on important business. COLONEL STANLEY’S COLLEAGUE. Or all the Candidates for seats at this memorable General Election, there has been none more entirely after Punch’s own heart, than Major-General Fretpen, Candidate for North Lancashire, with Colonel Stantey. If he is returned, he will, in his single simple self, supply the place of the inexpressible Doctor, the Great Major, and the Old Admiral—7'ria juncta in uno. Punch has received a ream at least of reports of the General’s ag oration. While sweet in its infantile simplicity, it is like sweet things, a little cloying, from its constant ringin of the changes on a few themes, after the manner of the Lancashi Bell-ringers. So Punch has thought it best to put it into poetic form. And here it is :— Major-General Fielden’s Speech at Blackpool, 5th (not 1st) of April. I’m a simple old soldier, as all the county know— Ask Dr. Cocker and he ’Il tell yon so— And, really, to Parliament I don’t want to go, So when asked, in all humility I said, No, no! I love the British Army and the English Church do., do.— Ask Dr. Cocker and he ’ll tell you so— I’ve nothing to do, and there’s nothing that I know; But I’ve come into property, though why ’tis hard to show. I met a man in Preston a few days ago— Ask Dr. Cocker, and he’! tell you so— a whose judgment in politics 1’m quite content to go ; ‘*Have you none of your own ?”’ if you ask, I answer,‘* No!” Says I,*‘ from change of Government, d’ye think good would flow?”— Ask Dr. Cocker and he ’Il tell you so,— Says he, most decidedly, ‘‘ I don’t think so,” So he didn’t, and 1 don’t—that’s if you care to know. The only country worth a dump the world can show,— Ask Dr. Cocker and he’ll tell you so,— Is England. I may bea fool, but that, at least, I know, So elect me, or take Stony—I don’t like Stories, though | THe new Scotcn Pessie.—Gladstone. WHAT WILL HE DOP ana discontinue his subscription to the Daily Telegraph, or Will he spend his last official hours in providing for his friends, ond laying torpedoes for his foes ? ‘ he accept a Dukedom, and a Garter for his other knee ? Will he provide himself with inextinguishable laughter for an indents partes i Ge Senne of 6 cantlid sutobiogrephy ? he establish his ascendency as a contributor to Blackwood in a series of articles of a highly patriotic, not to say aggressive, iced with personalities -red-deen, to be carried on ion ? Will he turn his attention to Classical literature, and add another translation of Homer to the many extant examples of that favourite feat of retired statesmanship ¢ , and devote himself to the development capabilities of that interesting island ’ Will he extend the scientific frontiers of Opposition ? Will he give his moral support to the Home-Kulers ? Will he show the strength of a Statesman of threescore and —s over in kicking against the pricks ? Or, will he accept his enforced cctiimnent with dignity, cheer- fulnesa, and resignation ? HIBERNIAN DEALING WITH DYNAMITE. Nrariism d la Russe appears to have extended itself to Ireland if there is no mistake in the following report of a fearful an appalling “ ArrzmPrt To Blow up A Lonp Mayor.—At a late election meeting in County Carlow parcels of dynamite were placed under the platform. The diabolical plot, which might have resulted in great loss of life, was happily discovered in time, and the dynamite harmlessly buried.” Although exceptional Irishmen have been known to employ an explosive substance for an unlawful peepen and there may still os i an le of blowing pF raed poli- tical opponen et us this was only an endeavour to pest Mayor, and not to hurt him. If, however, the parcels really contained dynamite, and instead of being exploded, were simply buried , they now constitute a mine, into which a person not aware of its existence, may hereafter delve. Then will some See Gesell of treemtio, ost Viren into enithensene ot ihe e ynamite, ge wh into smithereens at hands of other Irishmen ! Disce Mori, or Dizzy’s Last Lesson. Munisrers seldom practise what they preach, And so men oft neglect their saletunien : ini hate’er their life, can teach et Ministers, w In death that best of lessons—Resignation. aaa ep gurpnntt aeter ere _~-—_—,- a nee)

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“

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} S Efe eee > ~ , a . Refthe ] Va ¢ . NAAN { ALT "i mi URAL) PTT iLL o~ ; j AS 7 . \ # 4 } ————— _ Es ae AL A Sass \ . hp Nsw 7 ma SS, z \ ‘ ‘ ] ~ 7 X . ro\\\\ e¢ (TRY MYA Wi y ‘ cag | { A 9). Me Rite \}! 4 , Ma SS y SR \ 7 / \ y } ee \ ®. ij \ \ % E> hY, ; | = Zz 3 WL! hh ( = : . = xs N 4 SS . | . SS | 4 AVA KER 4 6 We ——F#\ = Se = = RESPONSIBILITIES OF HEREDITY. Son and Heir (suddenly dissatisfied with his Stature, his Personal Appearance, and the Quality of his Intellect). ‘‘ AW—WHAT ON EARTH EVAH OOULD HAVE INDUCED You Two PsorLe TO Mawwy?t” Sir Wobert and Lady Mawiah. ‘‘Tax op, op Stonwy, my DEAR Boy! We ve.t 1x Love WITH ONE ANOTHAH—AW—AW——”’ Given A Fettan A CHANCE! Joet Loox at Mr, conrounp iT!” Son and Heir. ** AW—WELL—YOU ’RE BOTH SUCH AWF’LY GooD OLD Dzaws, THAT I FORGIVE YOU. HAVE HAD BeTTaAn TASTE, YOU KNOW, AND EACH HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A DIFFEWENT KIND OF PERSON ALTOGETHAH, AND You skE, IT’S ALL Owrn’ TO your Jornt INTERFEAWENCE IN My AFFAAWS THAT I’m UNDER Five Foot Ons, anp CAN'T say Bon To a Goosk, AND—A—JOSTLY PASS FOR BEING THE GWEATEST GUY 1N THE WHOLE County—aw! Bur YOU WEALLY SHOULD [ They look at him, and then at each other—and haven't a word to say.

Wett done! And surely it 7s well. Whatever wary wisdom urge Not prompt with pan or with dirge, Till Truth and Time shall test and tell. But Time is champion of Truth, And love of Truth has firm upborne This fighter ’gainst the doubt and scorn Of callous age, of cynic youth. And Time, sure-footed Nemesis Of fear and falsehood and unfaith, Has left Truth’s witness free from scathe Of Hatred’s howl or Envy’s hiss. Yet let not worsted foemen lour. Mere conquest is a trivial thing: Wise laureates little care to sing The petty triumphs of the hour. For Fortune’s wheel has many turns: The windy praise, the wild acclaim, That make the moment's fleeting fame, Are meeds the nobler spirit spurns. VICTORY ! (W. E.G. Aprit, 1880.) | Wisdom reserves its calm applause | For Victors in the worthier fight, | _ The struggle for the better light, | The higher aim, the larger cause. And when the dust of conflict clears, And party passions pale and die, And like dawn-frighted spectres fly | The flock of hates, and spites, and fears : | | When blind appeals to passions blind No longer stir the State to storm, And Patriot Honour’s placid form Beacons once more the public mind: It may be even foes who fret At the hot herd’s applausive breath, Shall own well won the Victor’s wreath Upon the Veteran’s forehead set. Well won! The war was fierce and long, The champion had his flaws and slips, But, with whatever faults, his lips | Spake truth, and in its strength were strong,

Counsel of policy’s quick fears He never took, he struck his stroke For justice, and no clamour broke The passion of his seventy years. The fervent tongue that scared the wise With too tempestuous eloquence, Ne’er lost its hold of fact and sense, Or paltered with the plague of lies. Let lesser eyes spy out the faults That marked the arduous campaign ; _ His shield bears dints, but not a stain’; He held the truth ’gainst all assaults. And he stands Victor! That is nought To one who looks beyond the day, Nor cares to join the blatant bray Of triumph o’er the foes he fought. Englishmen they, asheisone; | But holdin t he fought for right, And waged, a fair and gallant t, : Punch hails the Victor with ‘‘ Well done!’

answers, Where ?

man.”

Tae Suovr or ScorLanp.—Where are the Conservatives? Excno| Rarz Aves.—‘ A Scotch Conservative and a Liberal Scotch-

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lo a Se — a SS aS SS

ee : - ; ie - - Raion enaSme aa a — ~- — AG RITE LOA A A . a ne — on = — — a Cie — - —_ — —_ ee orngreewrene —— + -~ _—_ ~ «

Lady of the Lake (slightly altered). “ , ’ ve - a WW em : Z ‘ — - ‘ — essen eres - Ra ‘ >= 7” wTy x=— ~- , pi li! “ M4 . “Tr Tal| nt = - = - j | y % = ' j f 0 al } if eres, Hil A y y : ‘ | | } } f i eY i b / i7 p | \ / i n j | ( , i\J | 1} ( | 4 } ' \ ‘ Ti \ » ; i P ied i ‘ VICTORY “A CONQUEROR FROM THE DESPERATE CLOSE — BUT BREATHLESS—WILLIAM EWART ROSE!” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Apnrit 17, 1880.

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Aprit 17, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 177 ON DITS, ON THE BEST AUTHORITY. (N. B.—For corroboration apply to Our Own Alarmist.) I am told on the best authority ler the Queen will have to do with any new Government, and means to take up her residenee | “ permanently at Baden-Baden till the Conservatives return to power, Of course you have heard that Grapsrone goes at once into the Upper House as Duke of Midlothian ? I can’t give you, off-hand, all the names in the New Ministry, but | T you may take it for certain that WILrrrp Lawson, CHAMBERLAIN, and RyLanps are all down for something uncommonly good, while it is quite settled that Brapitaven goes to the Education Office, Lazovcuére to the Admiralty, and Iyperwick to the Woolsack. All the Lords in the Cabinet and the Household, still ungartered, are to toss up between them for the first vacant Garter. One or two of the first innovations, of course you know, will be the abolition of the Queen’s Speech, the suppression of the Reporters’ Gallery, and the exclusion of the Opposition from the House on Government nights. Here are a few items of HartTineTon’s programme, for the authen- ticity of every one of which I am prepared to vouch. Universal to everyone, male and female, above twenty, who shall have resided a whole fortnight in a county or borough, and obtained a Certificate. The reduction of the ex- penses ses of = ~~ py to ‘two millions a year; the equal subdivision of od piers compulsory athletics ; and the honorary banish- ment of the Dake of CamuRIDGE to Monaco, for the ¥- se of studying the organisation of what is left of its military establishment. Of course you haye heard, too, that Canada is to go to the States, as a cotelomnens of ni pobers difficulty ; while Othe tar, Malta, Aden, and as much of India to accept its independence are to be put up at an bastante’ Auction at Berlin, for the benelit of the B Excheqner ? There was some ot beheading BeaconsFIe_p on Tower Hill, as an example ; but the iilea will probably be shelved, for fear of giving unnecessary "offence to the ar for the Prevention of Cruelty to Anite and the Licensed V ers, Following the precedent set in the case of Warren Hastives, Lytton is to pe imps Siler as he lands at Seutengeen. " The Tory Cppoaitioe, wever wat me ains to shield him. As an earnest of their determina ation, th ~ it is said, already entrusted his defence in the Lower House to the new and rising as for for Rereotanie, Sir Ropgrt Carpen. as Pt as the money nn be be got out of the mis ot tha Chee dine France, Cyprus will be returned to the Porte, bry be HA and an apology ? Report says, too, that Irelan O’ Donw&Lt as its triumvirate, will be conditionally aye yom to the United States ; while, in exchange for the privilege of coaling at Smolensk, ie Russian ships of war are to have the right to refit *‘in times of international disturbance” at Plymouth, Portsmouth, pad Sheerness, free of expense. Taking things all round, the Session promises to be one, as our dear Ex-Premier would have said, ‘‘ Both memorable and miserable |!” with Parwett, Brecar and A DREAM OF CYPRUS, SHALL om BEacons-FreLp be darkened, shall our Beacon be snuffed Sball the great heart of Jingo sink at the foemen’s flout ? Stifled and swamped in evil hour by hair-brained Grapstonr’s windy power Of vile verbosity ? Can India’s Empress, “es Queen, give her Chief no redress ? Can the “‘ Consolidated” Turk no gratitude express ? Must he retire to Bagheneta, and ow his tis to Bucks and men Shall Asia and Afric Indie no monumental tribute to ive theis foal feelings shape Is So Graidour we ra , to oe a great lifeit ¥ ‘were sad Should not end greatly ? Yes, the world has fier ot. nn, tae Both worth worthy of his filiag, yho recalls a grander A throne that hard on Ae shore displayed its olpery of yore, te si stately. J and Cyprus formed of old a d realm not to say more of ~ xings who swa “4 its storied helm— But an Isaac held its throne, once of a time, for pomp far Who lived in clover, Fil Rocient’s otabwart Lion-heart out of him took the shine, to the seat—of Lusianan’s high | ine— Gor, a Guy, who, when he dropt the Holy City’s sceptre, a Cyprus over. B be asked to resume this ancient throne ? nothing be to a crown fall. blown. wale on sail of e’en his wearing were, For rus sopper came. begs Gypras Apbrodive her flam thease ad Froth, who could so well as he é rom lands prosaic ? ** men aaa” would flock unto his court ; Messieurs eal men would thither re-resort, eut off m of priests’ who'd keep theirs on their he , as 6 the tetrad to endour new ; a ssi rim ance true ; ay te THE 6 etree Turkish reforms initiate, ur too. At Peace with Honour fancy paints King = ioe reclined, In a Scientific Frontier established to his mind, O’er Famagusta’s harbour fair,—with room for Earth’s ships and to spare, — Stretched at his feet ! So might he close his evening in placid contemplation Of the big words, and little wars, he gave the British nation, Though, what we’ll do when he is gone, who shall say but D. 7. one. : His organ meet ! Highly Appropriate. In view of Mr. coemenes 8 policy being. enforced in some of the crusting dependencies of the Ottoman E impire, Morey pew Hassan Osman vam, o the Master of the Suttan’s Private Band, has composed a National March, with the initial bars SSS: = == BAG@é&® Ba GC GCG AEG SB Guiretmvs Repiyryvs.—WiLtiamM THE CoNQuEROR, A.D. 18801 —— ne em tees a we" a oes paren ee oro oe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apeit 17, 18€0. —* SI if Se ee —— = AS thé 4 - $i / A TRIMMER. Country Doctor (as they came from Church). MANGLES, HOW DID you Votr?” Rustic. ‘‘ Wet, Scr, BOTH PARTIES THEY COME AND AXED ME, AND I SAYS TO ONE, SAYS 1, Yes, and I covtpn’r say No To T’orper, 80 I Takes MY BALLoT CARD, GOERS INTO THE Box, SHUTS MY EYES AND MAKES A BIG CROSS, POPS IT IN, AND Lor’ ONLY KNOWS ’ow I Vorep !” **BuT NOW REALLY, BETWEEN OURSELVES, SOLVITUR AMBULANDO. “ He gets out of it by walking (his chalks).””—7Zranslation by Bismarck. (A Page from Somebody's Diary.) Mowpa¥Y.—Very much annoyed to find that the : lling of a recent despatch is not in accordance with my own notions of orthography. nly one thing to do. Immediately tendered my resignation. _ Twesday.—On receiving a letter from the Emperor declaring that he had passed a sleepless night on account of y *s proceeding, determined to reconsider my decision. Stipulated as a condition, that three of the Ministers (whose behaviour in this matter has long — an annoyance to me), should be dismissed. The — . jo o y aa om to-night the Palace an e princi ‘ublic offices are to be illuminated in our of my renunciation of my resolve of yesterday. Wednesday.—Find that the Bundesrath won’t consent to impose a tax upon chil- dren’s postage-stamp albums! » with the agony I am suffering from a confounded toothache, drives — a A Of course my course is elegraph m resignation on the score of ill health. I will teach them to brave me! Thursday.—The Royal Family have paid me a visit, and on their knees have besought me to reconsider yesterday’s determination. Her Majesty informs me that the Emperor- King declines all sustenance, and has worn his picklehaube constantly for the last four- and-twenty hours. Fears are entertained that His asoety may not hold out the week. Reluctantly withdrew my resigna- tion on condition that all the General Post- Office Commissaries should be de; ed, and that a new tax should be im upon toys of every description. These ons =n f; erateully — ent displ — the uent an cent displays of Tele at Berlin that my yielding has given the liveliest satisfaction. Friday.—My Bill for preventi — as been Of course I have sent from speaking in the Reichstag actually defeated ! in my resignation, and think seriously of seeking naturalisation in Russia. My an- noyance is too great for words! Still I wish I hadn’t flung my Aeiduk out of that third- floor window. is impatience is a weak- ness unworthy of a man of blood and iron! Saturday.—Ot course they have consented to Se and everything. Consequent withdrawal of my resignation for the present! The rejoicing caused by the an- nouncement of my self-sacrifice Buscu describes as — description. I shall take a holiday for six months! Germany and Europe must wait till my digestion has recovered from the effect of this week’s annoyances, Election Nursery Rhymes. 2. Dizzy the Deep has lost his sheep, And don’t know where to find them ; Let them alone, and they ’ll come home, Without the M.P. behind them! Ii. Dicx* and Ben, Bid up like men, To buy the Companies’ Water ; Ben came down, In spite of the Crown, And Dick came tumbling after. * The Right Hon. Richarp AssueTon Cross, ‘‘Sword and Pistol” in Paris. A sEnsaTIOn trial in Paris—of acantatrice charged with attempting to assassinate a man who had been her lover, but whom, having behaved very ill to her, she shot at with a revolver, and severely wounded— has terminated, of course, in her being found not guilty. An acquittal in such a case was the least that could be expected of a jes jury. It isa at 5 a that their verdict was unaccompani a panegyric on the course the Lady had en to avenge her wrongs, and that they did not —_- duce the B cain ag recorded in Song of the British Captain in a similar .- | who, when informed of the shooting of Billy Taylor by its rited heroine, werry much sggleadedlieter what she had done!”

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Apait 17, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 179 TUN ale) 0) Yt, 7 YZ THE KNAVINA OF HEARTS. A conrecr Court-Carp CosTUMEF, ACCORDING TO THE NEW MANY-COLOURED PaRisiaN DiREcTOIRES. PROPHETS AND LOSSES. PRoPHESYING is a dangerous venture on the verge of a General Election. Only one prophet—Sir Witt1am Harcourt—has won honour in his own country, by the exact correspondence of the event to his forecast of it. He said that ‘the day of the new Parliament would be the last of Lord Braconsrietp’s Government,” and the only question now is whether Lord B. will not anticipate the new Parliament's assembling by performing the “‘ Hari Kiri,” or happy dispatch of himself as a of a er feuiemtention, . be added, cinta bt ne particularly unsuccessful, and, it must unwi is he who launches his bolts from the most serene heights of ye my in the columns of Blackwood’s Magazine. In an article of the number appropriately dated the Ist of April, and entitled ‘‘The Appeal to the Country,” he nakedly puts the question —without the least hedge to dodge behind—‘ Lord BEAcowsFIELD a peals to the country to say whether he is not the right man in the right place, 4 policy the only possible alternative to national humiliation and confusion ?’ And the United Kingdom most distinctly and decidedly, with voice all but unanimous, save from the City and the Metropolitan Counties—from North and South East and West, from its great manufacturing centres and its small agricultural the | is_ consid market-towns, from its cathedral cities and its industrial capi from its counties and its boroughs, its towns and its hamlets, answers as plainly as the triple tongue of Great Britain can answer—‘' NO.” Poor Prophet! MORAL SONGS FOR ELECTION-TIME. (After Dr. Watts.) I.—Ptiay (iynocent anp OTHERWISE). Asroap in the Boroughs to see the Blue Lambs, And the Red Lions, rather too free of their dams, Standing up for what both call their rights: Or a knot of young roughs, whose right place were the Of their hustling and horseplay well-earning the wag Are not Plessent election-time sights. If we’d been born Ducks, we might dabble in mud; Or Dogs, we might snar] till it ended in blood ; But we ae to be rational creatures ; And Dizzy and Giapstowg, and such pretty names, We ought to know better than fling, to our shames, Like mud, in each other’s flushed features, Not a harsh thing Blues do, or a hard thing Buffs say, But with Blue and Buff bills should be wiped clean away. They are fools who let foolish words hurt. Not so roughs’ rude horseplay, who fight and throw mire, Or, still pt penmen’s frolics, who fling about In Jingo Draweansir disport. Il.—Love BeTween Reps anv Buives. Let Frenchmen fight with kick and bite— They can’t use fists, we know— Let Turk and Russ take wrong,for right, It is their nature to. But, Britons, you should neverjlet Such Party-passions rise, As, even at ion times, To—blank—each other's eyes | Afghans, Zulus howe’er we treat, Let’s keep the athome: — Where Rads and Jin share the’street, To cuffs they should not_come. Birds in their little nests agree, And ’tis a painf sight, When fools, ti h of one family,| Fall out and chide and fight. Hard hustings-names, hot platform-words, And blatant leaders’ breath, Take shape in Clubs, Lies’ two-edged swords, And mob-war to death. tongue and temper schools Thro the election fight, ™ Nor holdeth all his foes for fools, Himself still in the right. Rivers of Wealth. From recent ce touching the Me- tropolitan Water Supply, it a s that £95,000 ered moderate as the price of an old Water Company share. At this rate the Thames may be regarded as one branch of Pactolus, and the Lea as another. After Dissolution, Corruption. HIC JACET, Not under a Glad-stone, Bat a Boord, The Borough of Greenwich Having gone to de Worms!

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180 PUNCH, OR FOR SALE. By Order g the Highest Court of Appeal. THE com- plete stock of valuable ma- chinery, tricks, decorations,

s— Gaeceone| W costumes— among them, == those of an An- - gel, Country Renton, Veiled Prophet, Medi-

set of Mario- , nettes (life - si ze), with the Cabinet, wires, and apparatus for working them. A choice assortment of Ghosts, and Hob-gob- lins, with blue-fire tins, an ee ont apparatus com- plete—among them, the Czar of Russia, Rt. Hon. W. E. Giapstoxg, “§ Rouge,” “ ~ + ee at Home,” *“ Degradation Atenet m Abroad,” &c., &e., Transparent show-boards th iliginination lamps and fittings, and sensation or at Peace with Honour,” good as new. Also a Policy of Assurance in the Royal and Imperial Austro-German European pene To be taken up subject to any claims upon it. Also £4,000,000 fully pai Canal Shares, to- ~~ with a large 4 a : + that of the Gates of India). Also a number of Salisbury eo Crackers, of a bigihy storing oe g om 3 a oom by the Company). sold withou Apply at 11, Downing Street; at the Office of the Patriotic Association, 46a, Pall Mall ; ; or of GLapsrong, GrRanviL_e, Hartryeton & Co., Solicitors for winding- up the concern. ** Scientific Frontier,” ‘‘Gates of India,’”’ &., &c. as H

THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Arai 17, 1880,

BETSY’S GOOD-BYE! Bonoo! Which it’s bitter, it ’s bitter, as gall ain’t the boy ae a lot, Angostury is y, not init. Old England a g° moolen t There! nothink ean’t save her, no nothink, my ’brella is b ale and broke, Like the glorious gingham once waved by ‘the waliant ex-Member for Stoke. Poor Dewdrops! he ’s down on his luck, but not downer than Bersy. Ah! me! To think that the day arter all should be won by that W. G. 0 ht was played out so completely, and therefore turned up once for all, And now here he comes right end hup, not a mossel the wuss for his fall! And Berney, my Russ-bearding Brwey, as chaffed him for being werbose, ne bon. woruaten Sar Sean it ’s a deuce of a dose! A as poor Price cannot swaller ’thout many a gulp and a groan, ch a stummicking Wit’ 8 wild words ain’t nothink to eating my own. Which eat’em I’ll ave ng or else be left out in the cold. sre to, Ape ’orty and bold! | Oh Beney, my igh’ s ongratefully enobel 4 us, they ’re arter that W1LL14M like sheep, dernedge flow is our sojan, our portion to wail and to weep! ’Ow I swore as the country wos with you, and now all the towns is gone wrong And the counties, wuss luck, follers soot, as I did trust to back you up strong ; : I’m a tryin’ to soften it down, Ben, to the best brains go for you, But I fear it won’t do, my dear Bency, I’m orful afeard it won’t do. Gr-r-r! : A. he and onthankful Philisti#ns! The thought makes my tears to Serve ’ en m right if they ‘re reglar mutiched up by that bragian old Bear in the Our countr And the mat f Which I’ve swore sacking you, Bew, meant ruin, and now all my Bogies is blown And ’ow I'n m a-going to square it is more than to me is beknown. ** Safe- 1 tae the Hempire,” won’t do. “ Perish Injy,” don’t fetch ’em no sa? Antinationals,” ‘* British Bulgarians,” “‘ Thusters for Otterman gore,” All—all my most chicest eggspressions of hinsult, and scorn, and disgust, Is as useless as broken pea-shooters or pop-guns w hose barrels is bust. If I’d stuck to the Woodman—but pet ’s all rubbige and fiddlededee !— ad I jest cast my eye over ‘istry, I ha’ surmized ’ fi ’twould be ; Which Administrations is now but a sort of a match played by innings, And Beney is bound to stand licked, when them Radicals tott up their winnings. Old Bersy’s a “‘ practical” party, like Boz, which his surname is Lowe, As has ulled up his stakes jest’ im time. it’s a blow, my dear Ben, it’s a b But wots an old "omit £0 do? I’ve one ankercher left as is dry, So I wow, my last weeps, and feels better. Good bye, my sweet Benay, good ye!

Tue Buryive Question mv Mrproratay.—Our Faggots: Where have they gone to? Axe!

SPEECH AND SUBSTANCE. Physician. Suff tion in the larynx? No =e, Ha! Not much y- yh have terribly tried oo Tremendous trial of —_ la oo, ™ gs an pe P. Well ahem w we did a little overdo it. instrument. Words are breath. The prod lost in these substances alone. Fancy all from all the breath you wasted—I beg your ing so many wo Imagine it exhibit an appreciable mass of material element “ that b ig oratory would a large diamond. in the fairy tale who

(ScenE—A Medical Consulting Room. Physician and M.P.) | from nervous exhaustion and a sense of ate | > spt dots Sir. Put out your ton the rate of =Dhle saeee an over -exetion Talking at rate of a a = or days together must | § spear ctr eae ama ucky no ave go Don’t do it aan. Sir—don’t ! ucts of respiration are | water and carbonic acid gas. Think of the weight you must have the carbon precipitated on—used in in a solid form. I haven’t time to caleulate how much off-hand; but it would make stallised, the resolve itself into | 4 4 , you resemble the girl you have read of Mage Mar Be ous stones. M.P. Come, come, Doetor, y Speen tee comeenteey P Ah, but then there was somebody else, "you know, who talked toads and frogs. M.P. Oh, oh! Physician. Well, well; it wasn’t you, but the wrong man—the a They all : a oS Se m yours, of course, every s gems. But, nex you | rt do, for ess sake, "saeek fewer. not prescribe Ha, ha! | you any medicine. Rest, at present, » all you require to cure the co! uences of Rr cacoéthes MP. Ah Doctor, you don’t cen the necessities of political ssuminan "and how much hammering it takes to beat an idea into

viotan. “ Woman. —(See p. 168, No. 2022.)— We should have added to our last week's appeal for the proposed Drinking Fountain in honour of Janzt Hamiiron, the Coatbridge Poetess of the Poor, that subscriptions will be received in London by Mr. WILLIAM Purixirs, 25, Coal Exchange, who knew her, who bg inered her writings and her life’s work, and has done | best to spread a Pe peg oe and — tting memorial, of both. Let all Glasgow men, umous honour to one, “OT confers such hetour Louden, join in doing on the “ gude town ”’ of St. Mungo, and the gude blood of Lanarkshire.

@@ To Oosassrospamm.— Pas Bditor doss net hold himedl/ bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed emvclope

Sor Contributions. In ne case oan these be returned wniess accompanied by @ should be kept.

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Aram, 24, 1880.] PUNCH, OR ELECTIONEERING CAUSE AND EFFECT. ScenE—At foot of hill leading to the Castle, on road from Railway Station. Sudden stoppage of Carriage, Noble Owner. *‘ Wet, MARTIN, WHAT’S THE MATTER?” Coachman. ‘‘ Way, You sEx, Str, JUST OF LATE THE OSSES HAS GOT 80 USED TO THE MEN FROM THE PITS WAITING TO TAKE THEM OUT, AND DRAG UsS_UP THE HILL, THAT I CAN’T GET THEM TO GO ON NOHOW, SrR!”.? COMFORT AND_ COUNSEL. (From the P. M. G.) My friends,' ’twere the saddest of pities f you couldn’t pluck hope out of worry, From London’s and Westminster’s cities, Kent, Middlesex, Essex, and Surrey ! True,' in this gain you reckon twice over The votes City-premises give, And the County votes, where in the clover Of villadom, City swells live. But that’s a detail, like the scandal That money- need not hold brains, Though the Rads y the help of that handle Pump mud on Conservative gains. ore intelligence, wisdom, wealth, knowledge, Will be found in that area clustered, Than in all England else—city, college, Port, centre of industry—mustered. This truth the Election shows clearest, That of all England’s cherished monopolies Conservative faith is the dearest, And the stronghold of that ’s the Metropolis. Lambeth, Marylebone, Chelsea—that silly place !— Southwark, Finsb’ry, Tower Hamlets, may claim, Loosely speaking, in London to fill a place, But, we all know, ’tis only in name. Our Party’s profound foreign policy Is in London upheld just as far As wisdom and wit beyond folly see, And as wise writers foolish ones bar. Out of high-cultured Intellect’s focus, Where stump-orator’s froth has had sway, Gtapstone’s chatter and CHAMBERLAIN’S caucus May have won, for an instant, the day ; But that’s a mere craze of the moment— ’T will pass like a mist of the morn, With its gains, not for substance but show meant, And its Leader, that butt of our scorn ! Then up, in the name of the City, To your BEACconsFIELD, Jingoes, be true ! Take a hint from your foes—'tis a pity If we can’t breed stump-speakers too. ‘The New Dictatorship.” Sucn is the title of a scathing article, in which the Post- mortem Gazette pours out its scorn on the silly believers in Mr. GLADSTONE, whose ‘‘ pros and cons,” we are told, resolve them- selves into one simple question, ‘‘ Whence and how is Mr. GLaDsTonE to exercise the Dictatorship which the ‘ Voice of the People’ has conferred upon him ?” ‘* Dictator for Dictator,” the Voice of the Country might reply ; “better Mr. Grapstowg than Lord Breaconsrre.p.” Punch takes leave to ask, if Mr. Grapsrone threatens to over- shadow his Liberal colleagues, how was it with Lord BraconsrieLp and his Conservative Cabinet ? A PROBLEM. To correct the ‘time of day” by the meridian of Greenwich, for that by the length and breadth of the United Kingdom. An Eupanrras pe Richessrs.—The Liberal Gains. VoL. LXXVIII. ae ;

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PUNCH, OR THE x receives auqust Foreiqn Visitors, do the Honours of his Studio. AT ze Crossenor CALLery ?” Model, ‘‘ NerTHer, ver S'Rene ’1GHNEss ! The Grand Duke. ‘80H! Port zen wHo sees vEM ?”’ Model, ‘‘Onty Mr. Pricspy, ver S'RENE ’IGHNESS ; OF THE PICTURES THEMSELVES !" The Grand Duke. ‘‘ Aco !—pPoT ZEN WHO PUYs De Bicrures FLUTTERING A DOVE-COT. (An incident from the Diary of a Convalescent, told in a few Chap- ters properly belonging to the Series usually headed ‘‘ Friends at a Distance,” which has appeared from time to time in these pages. Cuapter III, Tue FLUTTeRInc CoMMENCES. Mr. Dick Bortinesroxe bursts into the Library. and newspapers. ‘*How are you, old boy?” he exclaims, with a sympathetic heartiness of manner which at once gives one to understand that all his doubts as to my being actually bedridden are dispelled. He has not yet determined whether to treat me as in the first stage of convalescence, or as a kind of deserter from the literary army, who, if not actually criminal, has at least obtained an extension of sick leave under false pretences. ‘‘How are you, old fellow, eh?” he repeats, and shakes me warmly by the hand. I thank him, and faintly reply—with an intense pity for my own state of health—‘*' I am as well as can be ex = I try to smile at my present feebleness, as though it were a mere He is all wraps have previously gone through to have brought me so low as this. He eyes me over critically. I feel that under this inspection I am LONDON CHARIVARLI. AND Mr. THEY GOES ’OME AND DESCRIBES "EM IN LANGUAGE THAT ’EAVENLY, nothing, in order to impress on him what an amount of agony I must | [Apri 24, 1880. A) ‘ \ \ =~ \\\ i." \ hy ae i 477) TR Ag ; Y} j ND 7 m5 ll a 82 iy WF rh MY) Hy) A AQ Ar 4 4 o NINCOMPOOPIANA. Although unsuccessful as an Exhibitor, the great Maudle is getting known to Fam: through the exertions of his Liter wry Friends—aid le But being a consistent Radical, he leaves his Model (a cheeky youth, who reads Charles Dickens on the sly) to The Grand Duke. *‘ Gort 1x Himmet !—anp pores Mister; Mowr.ie Exarpir zesk Vorrxs oF Agrt AT zE RoyAL AGATEMY, OR We AIN’T YET COME DOWN TO ExaHrsiTIN’ ovR Piorvres IN Pusuic!” JELLABY PosTL*®THWAITE, AND Mrs. Cimanvg BrowN—BUT THAT If ’S ALMOST AS IMPROVIN’ TO THEM AS READS IT AS A SIGHT ” Model. ** Mrs. ’Anris, yer S’RENg '1GHNESS—AND Mr. [Saooxs, or SaErrietp !” blushing nervously, which gives me a colour, and is at this minute the very thing I’don’t want. No matter how I look to other people | who have seen me at my worst, and have pitied me,—they know what my real state is; but to a friend from London, who has just ‘*ran down,” and is going to ‘run back again,’”’ and who will give his own report, from his own point of view of me, to my other friends in town—or, which is worse, to those who have been waiting to get some work (some uncongenial work) out of me for some time past—I sincerely wish I could appear like the dying Smike in the earliest editions of Nicholas Nickleby—frail, lank, reclining on a aa and with a heavenly expressioa of resignation on his pallid eatures. This is the imaginary portrait of myself as I should like to appear when Mr. Ricuarp BolLtyeBRook comes down to see me at Motemoss on important business. ‘* Well,” he says, after taking stock of me as though he were going to buy me, ‘* You’re not looking bad.” I smile faintly. I had hoped I was looking bad. And then I go at once, and with a considerable amount of pleasure, into a minute account of my ailments, commencing from some time previous to the attack, and bringing the history down to the present date. _ ‘* Ah,” says Dick, when I’ve finished the story of my illness— ** Yes—you ’re all right again now.” . Except for strength, I admit—feebly—that Iam. I am not going to be suddenly driven into rude health in this unsympathetic way. “* Well,” he says, ‘‘ I thought you’d got a little place of your own

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Aprit 24, 1880,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 183 — “RES ANGUSTA.” Paterfamilias (reading). “ SRVENTEEN VALUABLE BEASTS POISONED BY EATING THE BraNcnEs or YEw——” Materfamilias, ‘‘ Tauv—t—tT—Tavt— On peak! Butcuers’ MEAT WILL BE UP AGAIN!” here. I heard it from somebody—oh, let me see—yes, somebody who knows your doctor in town’’—the only person to whom I had mentioned my retreat was the doctor |—‘‘ and so, as I wanted to see you about a sort of rough-and-tumble comic piece for the Sympo- sium ’?—— I start. ‘*‘ Have you taken the Symposium? I thought it was only a Music-Hall eh I ask. “Yes, so it was,” he replies. ‘It was first Baths and Wash- houses, then it was a Chapel, then it was a Music-Hall, and now I’ve taken it, and I’m making it into a sort of Variety Shop. It’s out of the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN’S jurisdiction, and it’s licensed b the Magistrates. I’ve put mp Tom GLyTreR as ostensible Manager.’ **Good man, Giytrer!” I murmur, approvingly. “Yes,” continues Dick Bortinesroox, “he’s just the sort of chap for that place—understands shows thoroughly, failed himself several times, and is quite ready to carry out instructions. We shall have an Operetta to commence with—first-rate band and chorus—then a kind of concert of the best ple—I ’ve engaged Smash as the chief comic—Smasn, the jolly Sam Smasu, you ow—— **T know,” I my: Who can nie knowing something about the Jolly Sam Smasa? Aren’t the w: s, everywhere, in the unlikeliest places, even down here at Sheepton-on-Sea, where he honours us with his jolly presence for one night in the year, covered with adver- tisements ond picture-posters of the jolly one himself, generally represented as with light — hair, unhealthily pink cheeks, and a glass in his bright blue eye, blue trousers, brown coat, red waist- coat, and yellow gloves, —s off his hat to the public generally as he sings (the legend being underneath) Have you seen my Mary? an yes,” I say, “* I know the Jolly Sam Smasn. He’s an attrac- on. 3 Yes,” says Mr. Bortryeproox, carelessly, ‘‘he is; and if he I’ll soon get somebody else ts more where he came from. Then we’re going to have a farce with Mueeznr in it.” “*Mvueerr!” | exclaim, astonished to hear of the ap nee of this great comedian, of whom the papers have puphedal such great Sines i in Shakspearian Drama, in a farce at the Symposium Variety ‘Yes. Well, you see,” he explains, ‘‘I’d engaged him at the St. Giles’s, but when I sent the French company there, and couldn’t fit him in with my other companies on tour and at the Palace, I thought as he was walking about doing nothing while I was paying him just on two thousand a year——” **Two Thousand a year!” I exclaim, wishing I were Mucorr the Comedian—a Low Gomsadicn, too! ** Yes,” returns Dick Bortinesrook, ‘I’m giving him asum that would pay about fifteen curates handsomely ; and as we 'd shunted the Divine Wrii14M at the St. Giles’s pro tem., and couldn’t disturb the cast of the melodrama at The Prince’s, I’m obliged to get some- thing out of him at the Symposium.” He speaks of Mucor as a sportsman speaks of his hunter that’s rforming the strange cannibalistic operation known as ‘‘ eating its ead off” during a long frost. It appears that Mr. Bortincproox wants me to do something for the Symposium—he will explain the details fully to me in the course of the evening ; and also he wants a topical song for the Jolly Sam SmasH. It occurs to me that if 1 can get my topics sent from London, I shall have plenty of time to versify them here ; and if my excellent friend the entrepreneur does not want to see me porsenelty every other day, nor requires my attendance at rehearsal, I shall be able to continue my stay at M and work as much at my ease as did Sir Watrer Scorr at Ab ord, the Poet-Laureate in the Isle of Wight, or the late Lord Lyrrow at Knebworth. Even a ** rough-and-tumble sort of farcical pantomimica! piece,” as Mr. ee Py ore tiepouea ite be the emmperment the — ours of a seriously terary man, who, at other times, wi be en on an article for the Quarterly, a tragedy in blank verse, or an y on * The Life and Times of SewwacueRrs.” I am already beginning to enter into the spirit of the thing, and am gradually slipping away from my invalid moorings, when aden ee enters, and, after an introduction, invites my visitor to inner. ** Come as you are,” says the Squire, cheerily ; ‘‘ no dress.” Now, there is one iarity of Dick Bortrveproox—it is, that at a certain time in the evening he invariably assumes evening dress. No matter where he is, no matter how much or how little luggage he

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184 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 24, 1880, has with him, one thing he never travels without, and that is his evening dress. If Dick BorlineBRook were crossing the Great Desert of Sahara, punctually at half-past six, or seven, he would appear on his camel in full evening dress, opera-hat, and all. As he says, you never know what may turn u ball, or a concert, or a theatre, or a party, or something to which you particularly want to go, but can’t, because you haven’t your evening dress with you. Now, supposing a man always wishing to be in readiness, and on the look-out, for some such excitement, then Dick Bor_inespRook’s rule isa necessity. The Squire, who regards evening dress as intended for special festivities, opens his eyes at the notion of anyone being invariably prepared for any such excitement, and, moreover, actually liking it and looking for it. ** When there’s anything going on, I always go and see it,” says Drex, pleasantly ; immediately adding the question, ‘‘ There’s no theatre here, is there ?” _ “No,” answers the Squire, inwardly thanking his stars there pee not at Sheepston, which is only a sort of village suburb of mbsgate.” ** But in Lambsgate there used to be one,” says Dice. ‘‘ Let me see—it was built by Marriawp, who was Dancing-Master to Grorcr THe Fourrn, and married Tozrnt the dancer. It was called the * Regent’ when I was quite a boy, I recollect.” ‘“Ah!” says our host, whose breath has been quite taken away by the knowledge of his native place displayed by his guest. ** You are prseety right.” “| knew I was,” says Mr. Bortineprook, in a parenthetical aside, nodding in an offhand and confidential manner to me. Squire CosseTt continues— 7 was the ‘ Wellington’ when I was a boy, but”—he goes on thoughtfully, as if trying to recall the history of this once celebrated place of entertainment—" but latterly, I rather think——” “Yes,” cuts in his informant, “ latterly it got into bad hands, the licence was refused.” “It was,” says the Squire, I was on the Bench at the time “* Were you?” returned Mr. Bortrncsroox, nothing abashed by the intelligence. ** I knew there was some difficulty, because ProsittT wrote to me, and wanted me to take it—but I didn’t see it. Nothing to be done with it, I suppose?” he adds, intsreogatively, looking at the Squire, as if his opinion . The Squire is flatte He considers awhile, to convey the idea that he Laeee all about the capabilities of the ‘‘ Regent,” and its prospects, though I am perfectly sure that he has never once given the place a thought for years, and is uncertain as to its existence. His reply is, however, emphatically to the effect that nothing can be done with the ‘‘ Regent’”’—that, in fact, he rather thinks it is already pulled down. “‘And certainly,” Mr. Borzuyeproox finishes for him, ‘isn’t worth building up in.” ** You ’re not leaving us?” says the Squire, seeing Dick putting on his ulster. ‘No, no,” is the reply—‘“‘ only half-an-hour ; just go to my pot- house—change—and re-appear in gorgeous array. Au reservoir ‘” And before another word can be said, Mr. Ricnarp Borzrve- Brook has quitted the library, has gone through the hall, and out by the front door, as if he had known his way about the place from infancy, and has vanished. He came in like a hurricane, he has gone out like a whirlwind. We stare at one another helplessly. Presently, the Squire recovers himself sufficiently to look at his watch, and observe, ** Time to get ready for dinner.” ** We needn't dress,” I plead, relapsing into my invalid state. ** No,” answers Cossett, “ you n ZI must, as he’s gone off majestically, ‘and very properly so. eedn’t. expressly to dress. Haven’t got too much time.” And with this, to my amazement the Squire, who never hurries himself, dashes madly up-stairs two steps at a time, as though he had been suddenly galvanised into action by Bortinesroox. His manner has undergone so sudden and so marked a change, in five minutes, since the “ t”’ discussion that I should not be as- tonished if, on BorLineBROOK’s re-a@ ee, our host were to propose proprio motu a ramble into the town of Lambsgate, just to see “* what is going on.” I retire meditatively to my room. Mem. for Midlothian and Elsewhere. It y a fagots et fagots. Libzral | Fagots are not half so bad as { Liberal Tory ones. ENTRANCE AND EXIT. 1874.—Sanitas Sanitatum, omnia Sanitas ! 1880.—Insanitas Insanitatum, omnia Insanitas ! “YOUR BIRD’S-NEST TO ITS RIGHT USE.” Dr. Macpowatp addresses to the Daily News an elo- quent plea for nesting- birds :— ‘* The time of year has arrived when woods, coppices, and hedgerows are searched for birds’-nests by lynx-eyed urchins and professionals. Every likely tree, shrub, bush, and tuft of grass is closely ex- amined, and when a nest is dis- covered it is at once pillaged of eggs or nestlings with a shout of triumph. Surely it isa pity that ousands of eggs d be taken away to be ‘ blown,’ and put on a string like beads, ren- dering them practically value- less. Surely it is wicked to capture fledglings that soon die from want of pro food. Surely it is cruel to leave their \ disconsolate parents to mourn : over the cold, deserted nest, since birds sorrow as keenly, as deeply, and as sincerely as any man or woman, over lost chil- dren.” But if birds’-nests must be taken, let them, at least, be utilised. ; they were conve into head-dresses, as in our initial illustration, with the parent bird stuffed, in the attitude of brooding her eggs? We often see, nowadays, young Ladies’ heads of hair as rough as birds’-nests. Why not wear the heir smooth, and clap the bird’s-nest on the top of it S N Nv y YY “HAIL TO THE CHIEF!” (A Popular Pean. After Sir Walter.) Hart to the Chief who in —— advances ! Sharp be his axe, and resplendent its shine, Long may the light of his Soo Renae gasete Fervently flame in the front of our line! Heaven his s' renew, gan . bsg F _ —~ and true, ily to battle, an atly row ; While all true Englishmen Send forth the shout agen, ‘*GLapsTONE victorious! Ho-ieroe!” Ours is no stripling, no Knight of the Carpet ! Blooming at seventy, when shall he fade ? Him, of the People, in Peace or in War, pet, Years cannot fetter, nor foes afraid Firm as the fixéd rock, Braving the tempest’s shock, Faster he roots him the fiereer it blow. England and Scotland then Echo his praise agen, ‘* GtapstoweE victorious! Ho-ieroe!” Far in Midlothian his pibroch yonied loudly, And Torydom’s shout to his slogan replied. Dauntless Darxerra there confronted him proudly, But little the Veteran recked of his pride. ‘* Fagots” all prostrate laid Long shall lament his raid Think of ‘‘ Old Giapstone ” with wonder and woe ; Buccievca’s brave voting men Shake when they hear ‘*Grtapsrowe victorious! Ho-ieroe!” Shout, bearers, om for the Pride of the Party | Lift on your shoulders the evergreen Chief. Sree os coral, Seat Ses clad? is laure’ a . And there’s a stripling gem, sesbdienes cabeal Rin, kab Lacie tenons ¥ lie" iddlesex mi : in won’t say ‘* No. . Loud all England then Shout for the pair sgens ** GLADSTONE and Grapstone’s boy! Ho-ieroe! ” Aw Iratran Inisnism.—Tbernia fard da se.

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[Avan 24, 1880, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 189 ~N ALON A SECOND THOUGHTS, Candidate, ‘‘ How MANY CABS AND CONVEYANCES DO YOU SA¥ THERE ARE IN THE TOWN, SMITHERS, AND HOW MUCH DO THEY ASK FoR Exxction Day?” Steward, ** AsouT Five Hunprep, Sin Henry—rTHEY want Five Povnps BACH FOR THX DAY—AND THEY ’VE NEARLY ALL OF "em VoTEs——” Sir Henry. ‘‘ Hum—nvum’’—(does mental sum)— Buixss my Sov! THat’s Four Tsovsanp Five Honprep Pounns! Do you KNOW, SMITHERS, I BEGIN TO HAVE VE’¥ GWAVE DOUBTS WHETHER |’ A ‘Frit AN’ Pworer Person’ To WEPWESENT THIS Bowoucn ! i my EDISON’S LAST. AFTER DISSOLUTION, Mr. Ponca, . Pzor.x have become slightly sceptical of late about Edisonian (Wed. April 14, 1880.) ventions, but if that discoverer’s alleged latest find be a fact, he An» is it true that after Death, has nearly as good as hit on the Philosopher’s Stone. He is said When dissolution and deca: to have found out methods, electrical and chemical, by which he can | Have quenched life’s force a { a ae its breath, extract more gold from the rejected residuum of auriferous quartz The dead once more revisit da than is obtainable by means of common crushing mills from the | virgin rocks. At an expense of not more than five dollars to the ton Those who their Place no more shall know, he mad gm gold in the ratio of 1°4000 per ton of concentrated “* tailings ; ’ For whom life’s iatetes is o'er, he has contracted for millions of tons of “ tailings.” Unless Once, only once, though dead, may go ; the foregoin rticulars are fabulous, Mr. Eprson will very soon | Back to the haunts they loved — be another das in in respect of gold—though certainly not of brains | There, the last office done with, and ears. One sad assuagement finds ; they io Is there, Mr. Punch, any possibility of a political Episow ? We| Once more their Visionary Chi ef, know there exists a certain many-headed multitude whom aristocrats | A throng of ghosts in mire Street ! are wont to call the dregs of society, but for whom Mr. Brieut | invented the more euphonious and euphemious title of *‘ the resi- | Once more, like Ministers of 5 duum.” Is it to be expected that among the Liberal Btatoomen | ne form, po ob force has fled, M they hold apparently on the point of ormsing in for a long term of power, a | hollow moc of debate master-mind will succeed in binge. 4 some way to get the utmost | On Phantom P. rojecta, as of old. possible electoral good out of these political. *‘ tailings” ? Once more—but who shall seek to pieroe Such a possibility, I a Mr. Punch, iy wills not deride as the That dread Last Council’s mystery ? suggestion of a too e optimist. Both asa staunch friend of | Or say what grave themes they rehearse— the people and ally of the publicans, particularly those who keep | Dead ghosts debating how to die! coffee public-houses—of which two more, I rejoice to see, have been this week opened by the London and Provincial Coffee Palace Company—permit me to style myself, ever yours sincerely, Posticota. | THE IMMORTAL WILLIAM'S ADVICE GRATIS (TO HER MAJESTY'S i MINISTERS). Arropos ANAGRAM.—WILLIAM E. Giapstonz—* As willing to | Stand not upon the order of your going, lead on.” But go at once!” 7 ne 40 1 MOP Tae « Fusiow or Tht tus I ——— —~—aawe 2 UY.

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190 “PUNC H, OR THE

LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 24, 1886,

LONDON TOWN. A LYRIC A LA MODE. With humble Apologies to Mr. D. 8. Rosett s maak YSLLLLZ '"|GUZ fy P Wy Wf f 1) (hp 4, f GL a <= mone fi)": Kent-norn Heven, England’s pride, (O London Town !) Had a waist a world too wide For the height of her heart’s desire. Vinegar she in vain had tried. (O London Town ! Fashion’s thralis ne'er tire !) —— ya at Fashion’s shrine, Town /) ante f C. A “little boon is mine, ttle boon, but my heart’s desire. Hear me s (Oo Fashion’ 8 thralls ne’ er tire /) q make me a sign ! ‘owon ! ** Look ! my waist is in excess, (O ‘own ) I would die to have it less. Shape it to my ’s desire. Fit for ry pe vy ble dress. (O London Town ! Fashion's thralils ne’ er tire !) ** It is moulded like a Greek’s, (O London Town /) One of Nature’s spiteful freaks. mT ee | heart’ ; desire : am of pains an piques. (O London Town ! Fashion's thralis ne’ er tire !) ** See Bert Fawne’s, how slim it is! (O London Town /) Eighteen inches at most, I wis!

Poisons the cup of my heart's desire. O that J should suffer this! (O London Town ! Fashion’s thralls ne’ er tire /) ** Yea, for straitness here I sue! (O London Town !) Antifat I find won’t do ; Give me, give me, my heart’s desire, Three inches less, or vt least full two. (O London Town ! Fashion’s thralis ne'er tire !) ** Bett to outrival were so sweet ! (O London Town !) E’en if my heart could hardly beat ; Heart-room is not my heart’s desire, But to bring hearts to my feet. (O London Town : Fashion’s thralls ne’ er tire !) ** T have rivals two or three : (O London Town !): ore -like, slim of waist they be ; m forlorn of my heart’s desire. What hon hast given them give me. ) London Town ! OF noe 8 thralis ne'er tire !) ** T am girthed like = s Venus; (O London Town !) (Could Greek ee sone bat oa seen us ’) O my rivals! Is to win in the flight between us.” (O London Town ! Fashion's thralls ne’er tire /)

Fashion looked on Heten’s waist, (O London Town !) Looked and frowned with sore distaste, Saw the sense of her heart’s desire, Said ‘* This must be changed, with haste.” (O London Town ! Fashion's thralis ne'er tire! Fashion looked on Heten’s face, (O London Town !) Said, ‘‘’Tis clear you must tight-lace,” And gave her there her heart's desire, A corset new that should | give her grace. (O London Town ! Fashion's thralis ne’ er tire !) Pashien Py pow on HEeLen’s breast. London Town !) ‘* Ne’ . Remsen | more tightly prest Than this new corset, thine heart s desire. Take it and wear, it shall bring thee rest!” London Town ! Fashion's thraills ne'er tire !) Heten took the proffered boon, (O London Town !) The first appliance made her swoon ; But what are pangs to the heart's desire ? She was one inch less than her rival soon! (O London Town ! Fashion's thralls ne’ er tire !) Hewen turned upon her bed, (Oo London Town !) Turned in pain on her bed, and said, ** Death at heart, with the heart’s desire, Is better than being outrivalléd.” (O London Town ! Fashion's thrails ne’ er tire!)

DIZZY’S DICTUM, WITH PUNCH’S POSTSCRIPT. “Tue world is governed by Sovereigns and Statesmen,” and sometimes changes the latter as well as the former.

CONSOLATION. CHEER up, ye M.P.’s unseated ! Ours is but a passing ill! Morally, we’re not defeated— England’s heart is with us still ! ’Tis but those confounded Voters Misconveying Britain’s will. Their opinions don’t denote hers— England’s heart is with us still ! ’Tis the graceless working-classes, Tom and RY, Bos and BIL; ’Tis the scum, the , the masses !— England’s heart is with us still ! ’Tis the sneaking petty tradesmen, With no thought above the till ; How such avarice des men !— England’s heart is with us still ! ’Tis the nae sans education, Duties plain that won't fulfil ; But this ives us nO vexation— England’s heart is with us still! -* of gold with which the Rooshian Venal seeks to fill ; Spite of GLapstowe’s elocution— England’s heart is with us still! Though that vile disintegrator «its h miscalled the People’s WILL) and taps our lower stra’ strata— land’s heart is with us still! Yes! h Ben (whom I’ve a long time Thought devoid of tactic tactic skill) Goes dissolving at the wrong time— England’s heart is with us still! I will take my solemn da Though we fall, like Jac ’ and Jill, Soon the Isle will ery ‘ Peccavi ’ England’s heart is with us still yo LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aprit

1880 24, OR THE PUNCH,

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ve * 192 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aram 24, 1880, GUIDES WANTED. Se ai pn - > i lat Yeon O99 3 - = eset Tr hee > (m) Dear Me, Puxcn, Bayswater W., April 14, 1880. Caw you help me in a great difficulty? Iam an arm-chair politician, and require a straight tip in politics. For the last three or four years I have been quite easy in mind. I cet had to go to my Club (the Gunpowder end ‘Glor), and 1 os others read the only papers worth mornings and one evening. There was the leading j ectly infallible, aiid authorised to speak in the name eg ag ef poy poe pe its Editor has been assuring me every day without reserve that the Nation has approved Lord Bracowsrrety’s conduct of affairs, such as the profoundly subtle agreement with Count Scrovvatorr, the —— acquisition of Cyprus, the far-sighted Protectorate of Asia- inor, the plucky, just, and humane subjugation of the Zulus and Afghans, and the iant tricks a u arliament in connection with these matters. Especially when the Southwark Election took place in February, Z —_ od al pol Nation had put So Soe -_ to its ratification of an Imperi icy, an lingering ts in the mind of the said Nation having been ispelled y the circulation of Mr. Cowrn’s “ remarkable speech.” Then there was my other morning sae, ae “the largest cireu- ’ te B4 ae. . the gy iling me m oo in a turgid language. ere was m 8, rou boast it is to be written by Gentlemen bye avy daily pov mire the same ine with a superb and seathing scorn of all wh 0 ventured to differ from it, which ht to have left no bili of doubt im any well-reguiated sited that Mr. Le = imbecile and malignant traitor, and his followers a few silly sen- timentalists, not to say idietic fools and imgodent knaves. All these able Editors have agreed that if the Liberal ever had any chance of success, it had been shattered to oy shock given to lishmen generally, and pom g to avy large class called Moderate Liberals, by harsh Laentes of Messrs. GLapston®, Briewt, Harcourt, and others, in speaking of 7: a services of Lord prey: pee aa - Agr teny ag oy By | which, at beginning March, I was more certain than any other, it was this—that the Nation was about to pronounce a decisive condemnation of the Store and unpatriotic conduct of Mr. Giapsrowe and his foolish ollowers. But then came the Elections. I am rather slow at taking in new things; but even pecsoding te my three infallible Editors, and the gossip of my Club, something seems to have gone wrong. It is true that in one of my infallible oracles only the other day I read that what has happened is not inexplicable, and that ‘it may even be affirmed that the reaction is more moderate than might have been expected.” That is all very well for the omniscient Editor; but how about his poor followers? Why did he not give me, and the many like me, who hang upon his words, a hint beforehand of what he knew so well was coming ? a Could you kindly answer me these questions :— 1. Have my able Editors been deceiving me? 2. Or is it possible that they knew nothing about the real mind of the Nation they assumed to speak for ? : ; 3. Where am I, in future, to find the oracle which will tell me what I am to think on things in general, and foreign politics in particular ? I am, dear Mr. Punch, faithfully yours, Joun WETHERSETT. SOLILOQUY ON SCHOOL SINGING. Mr. Otproys (seated in an arm-chair, deposits newspaper on breakfast-table, and addresses himself). Hramph! The New Educa- tional Code for 1880 contains a clause providing for the teaching of singing by note in Elementary Schools. Does it, indeed, Sir? You don’t say so? Singing by note! That is carrying ‘‘ Elementary Education ” too far, Sir. The Three R.’s may be all very well, Sir; though the street-boys learn them chiefly to read the lives of high- waymen, write your name on your gate, and do addition sums on our door-posts. But now, besides the R.’s, you are to have an M., ir—Music. And, of course, you will have to pay for it, through the nose. Music! What will it do? (Resumes newspaper, and thence reads letter.) ‘‘In the next generation there will, no doubt, be a musical society in every village, which will tend to soften and refine agricultural population!” Soften! as if the bumpkins weren’t soft lr ! “England wi me a musical nation, and our will have been instrumental in i such @ Fon y! Sha-a! Nonsensical woman! That’s My! your Board Sir! England a musical nation! Ha taly. due then, England will export organ-grinders. in tho eek ee eal e an operatic people. Your agri- cultural and your artisans, will work in concert; and wherever you go, your ears will be regaled with a working chorus of carters and farm-labourers, or mechanics. E rural district will become an Arcadia, where the milkmaid age biithe, Sir, and the mower whets his scythe, Sir—by way of accompaniment — and every shepherd tells his tale, Sir, under the hawthorn in the dale, Sir, and the tales, of course, will be told in the shape of a song. Now, I don’t mind hearing servants sing at their work, Sir, but es could always do that without being taught singing by note. rumph | Fature point in a servant’s character—plays the piano! Bosh! we want no Guists, Sir, in our kitchens. ‘‘Greasys” are quite good enough for me / ill music be taught at Board Schools, and not at gos | Schools? And how about music in your great Public Schools, Sir Are you to have music taught at Winchester and Eton? If not, Sir, why not, Sir? One reason, I should think, Sir, is that the scholars ean do quite well enough without it, Another, that such teaching would, in most cases, be thrown away. You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, Sir ; neither can you make musical attainments out of an unmusical ear, Sir. As to ears, I dare say the framers of the singing-by-note clause in the New Educational Code, have very fine ears indeed ; but I suspect their ears. I question if their ears, however fine, Sir, are as fine as they are long. I tell you what, Sir. Instead of music, if children, who will mostly have to get their living by domestic service, were to be taught coo , they would then be taught an extra to the Three R.’s, which you might call Reasonable. Dishing, with a Difference. (By an Old Blue.) Iw spite of respectable gigs And legalised cabs, the fight o’er is; And Duzy, who once “‘ dished the Whigs,” Has now, woe is me, ‘‘ dished the Tories.” Tae Last Man oy tHe Untrep Kiyepom To pe mape M.P.— What the Orkneys and Shetlands have got to decide. + ‘The Editor of Punch will be glad if the writer of a letter by “ A Con- SERVATIVE’’ (dated Birmingham, April 13), will, in confidence, communicate with him by name. 4 To Conzusrowpuwts.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. ies should be kept.

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waewww Vera Se ti | Mar 1, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 193 = lA - - ———— | | || WTHE LATE STAR-SHOWER. By some strange oversight the following have not been gazetted to the PF ginim AU a ” hi attached to their names by recom- TOY ry ig @) FINE VA mendation of the Right Hon. the Earl of VI ONE Ae 5. x BEACONSFIELD, on retiring from office. ne SLA pa $4 iy 1) PONS To be Knights of the Star of India.—All A NY bi at Sey“ ~ the swarth: meperers send within AY Vide OW yh Vid we SFY a radius of four of the Oriental Ciub, Coe 4 f ) onan of their former services in To be Companions the Bath (Civil ijision).—Forty of the politest of the Attendants of the Metropolitan Wash- fF y Tat services in pro- moting ity of e on. To be a Knight Grand Cross of St. Michael and St. George.—The Senior Holder of Her Majesty's Ticket of Leave, on account of rendered in the Colony of New South Wales some forty years ago. To be a Baronet of the British Empire.— An unfortunate Nobleman, recently lan- guishing at Dartmoor, on account of services rend to daily journalism from 1868 to 1872, And to bea Knight Bachelor.—The Chief Assistant to the Deputy Beadle of the Bur- lington Arcade, to prevent jealousy, and — a may as well be decorated as any one é Two Brews—Bitter and Sweet. | Turice quenched, the ALtsorrs’ sun had we But Fortune, favouring Beer, ; SONY Makes Hindlip’s butt a Baronet, POS. And Dublin’s Stout a Peer! VARY ek If Bass, thrige victor, lags behind, ry, Pye ac Ay ) The Whigs, like Fortune, must be blind! ST) 7 ae a Oa WSN Tf Rey aes m7 Dah Td a) eee ee ms ny “THe LAST MAN.” Tue Parliament is now complete. Orkney A YOUNG DARWINIAN. A rece eee See Member. Jack (to his Married Sister). “Hr! Pout! L RE? ; od Ultima . ios a w larvie a BS 4 ! LLY Look!!! Here’s your BABY TRYIN® capesity, why islands are called Ultima j * *. * 7 * * THE LAST SURPRISE. | Late that’ the Machiavelli of his Country woke up with a a start before his Buckinghamshire fire. His face was white ‘i (4 Eeetgnation Romance.) | with the terror of ; and, with a loud laugh, that startled a bv Goons ane been graciously pret hed canter = Peay f the , eee suddenly to his feet his Private Secretary asleep on the opposite ingdom on Mr. Montacu Corry, C.B., by the style and title of Baron | gj seized Coun , RowTon, of Rowton Castle, in the county of Salop.” Court Circular. pes | his clog be fist. Samp et Ge aoe once ‘* THAT will be all, my Lords and Gentlemen.” “* They ay I have been niggardly!” he shouted, till the old It was the Premier’who spoke ; and as, with satiric emphasis upon | rafters of Hughenden echoed again. ‘‘Niggardly! And they are the concluding word, he pointed to the door of his official chamber, right! Momry, my boy, do you know what I mean to do for there was not a Member of the expiring Cabinet who did not recall, | you?” : as if by instinct, the easy insolence that once triumphed at Berlin.| His companion regarded him sadly. ‘I haven’t the slightest They were visibly nettled, and their first impulse as men was to idea,” he said. select their hats with icy indifference, and leave their leader to his| ‘‘ You haven’t?” asked the great mystificator, his eye kindling reflections. But they were something more than men. They were | With a sense of ironical humour. ‘Then, J have!” place-men. Nor was this all. They were place-men who had not| And, with a smile in which demon and angel were strangely made a particularly thing of it. At an hour like this the con- | blended, the master spirit of his time launched his last surprise,— sciousness of such a fact came upon them with a force that defied| ‘* You’ll laugh, Mowry, my boy, but, by Jove! it’s a fact—Z’m control. They hesitated. Then they summoned courage and pushed | going to make you a Peer!” forward their now weeping spokesman. —_ . ‘To be an ordinary member of the Second Class of the Most Dis- tinguished Order of St. Michael and St. George, is extremely small The Two Voices. = be this is*the' sort of thing you offer your tried and trusted (By an ex-Minister.) It was a respectable, middle-aged Statesman who spoke. He held | WHEN my voice and the voice of the people agree, | a copy of the previous evening’s London Gazette, on which his tears | Feel bound to proclaim it the only Vor Dei. were falling freely, and his voice was thick with emotion. But the | But when my voice opposes the ery of the rabble, I contempt with which he alluded to the great Colonial distinction | Vox Dei am forced to pronounce Vox Diaboli ! was almost a ing. His late Chief eyed him sardonically, yet curiously. Then he again pointed to the open door. There will be a few home pickings for the rest of you!” he| BY BOTAL INVITATION. js aro coldly. ‘‘So once more, my Lords and Gentlemen, good | _ Artas has once more taken the world on his shoulders ; Giapstonz ay! is himself again—Prime Minister of England! VOL, LXXVIII. 8 a i | |

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194 eS as Pz Cold 2 ‘* AN APRIL Or, IT Never RAINe BUT IT PovRgs. SHOWER - FLUTTERING A DOVE-COT. (An incident from the Diary of a Convalescent, told in a few Chap- ters properly belonging to the Series usuaily headed *‘ Friends ata Distance,” which has appeared from time to time in these pages.) CHAPTER IV. FLurrer AND FINIsH. We all appear in evening dress—Ladies, too; and we find Dick BorLincBRook in the drawing-room, waiting to receive us / He has been there a quarter of an hour. ‘**T came in at seven,” he says in explanation. was your dinner-hour.” Here he refers to me, and I corroborate the statement. The Squire apologises for his want of punctuality by saying that he thought Mr. Bortryesrook had so far to go, and to return, and to dress, &c., &e. **T was told that “Oh!” laughs Mr. Bortrneproox, “it doesn’t take me two minutes to jump into my clothes. They ’re like the trick-dress of an entertainer—on in a jiffey, and out as somebody else.” We all laugh ; and after this there might have been an awkward use, which some one, on any ordi occasion, would have en y hazarding a mild observation on the weather ; but Mr. Ricnarp BorLinGpRook suddenly produces all the papers he has ht from town, including the “‘ illustrated comics” up to the latest , and distributes them to the company. ‘‘I thought you’d like to see ‘em, he remarks, in a good-humoured tone, as though he were treating a lot of children to picture-books; and we, who could and would have waited for them another month, and even then would have been entirely indifferent on the subject, thank him, examine them, dive into them, and so wile away the mauvais quart d’heure before dinner is announced, when we put them down anyhow and anywhere, and troop into the dining-room. At dinner Mr. Ricnanp is very polite, very entertaining, and

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=o Ii | ~~ se 8 eo OME US

Mar 1, 1880.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 195

m . “SURTOUT POINT DE ZELE.” Comely Lancashire Widow (to zealous Curate, who is constantly hunting her truant offspring into the Board School). ‘'1 TELL YB WHAT *T1I8, YE NOAN COME ARTER T’ CAILDER, YE COME ARTER ME!” { Protestations,

makes himself highly popular. He has anecdotes of everyone of note, all more or less good, all more or less interesting, and all— which is the great point—appropriate to the subject of conversation, and humorously illustrating it. The champagne flows freely ; and as my doctor has told me that I can’t take any better remedy than this, I can indulge with a clear | pressure conscience. After dinner, when the Ladies have retired, the Squire’s heart <n and he treats BorLIncBroox to some fine old port. suddenly remember that I am an invalid, which everyone seems to have forgotten. I daren’t take the old port; but being pressed by the Squire, I sip it for company’s sake. ‘I'hen coffee and cigars and a liqueur. Squire is not a smoker, as a rule, and since I’ve been down here 1’ve never felt inclined for it. But as they both smoke, I join them out of sheer sociability. “* Quite yourself again, eh?” says Dick, knowingly. ‘‘ Not much the matter with younow,eh?” I look grave, and explain that this is my first dissipation—out of compliment to him. My host, who is not so lively as he was an hour ago, observes that this is the sort of thing I want to pick me up. Regarding him steadily, I come to the conclusion that he has some difficulty in expressing his ideas clearly, and is not quite certain what his ideas are. _ In an interval of conversation, while Bortrncsroox is taking a liqueur, I draw our host’s attention to the clock, which marks the hour of ten; but out host’s attention just now seems to be wavering. He is smiling happily, as if at some beautiful discourse. “‘ Just beginning the evening!” observes BorLincBrook, cheerily. _ At this juncture the Ladies return from the drawing-room, to oin us, have exhausted all the newspapers brought down by Mr, Ricwarp, and, what with the novelty of so much after-dinner journalistic study and the excitement of the unexpected visit, and the fact that it is already five minutes past their regular bed- time, they are very sleepy, and have really come to wish us good- night,—by way of a gentle hint. he Squire, however, who is gradually waking up from a half-

dozy state, insists on their being seated. The butler brings in a oy full of soda, seltzer, brandy, whiskey, &c., &c. I oa te ok is all politeness. What can he make for the 1€8 The Ladies, after a few uncertain refusals, gradually yield to , and express themselves satisfied with a very little. One of them observes that they didn’t like to come down before, as they thought Mr. Bortincproox and myself were talking business. ** We haven’t yet, but we will,” he says, “ if you ’ll excuse us.” “Oh, certainly,” is the Ladies’ reply. And significant glances ass between them, intimating to the initiated that they have already _ guilty of a false step in being beguiled into refreshment. The Squire, who, under his wife’s eye, has become more and more alive te the situation, now pulls himself er, and begs us to ** talk shop” as much as we like, intimating, by taking up a sporting magazine three months old, which I am sure he knows by heart, that we shan’t disturb him. I propose retiring to the library, but Dick is quite satisfied to remain here. In fact, I am sure would rather prefer the presence of the Ladies than not, as he will manage to draw them into the conversation, and so mix business and pleasure. Mrs. Cossett professes herself deeply interested in anything con- nected with literature, and smilingly adds that she will be proud to be able to say that goes work was first projected in their house. i other Ladies look at one another, and dis- i ile benignly, just as the clock strikes -past ten, which makes the Squire start, and look round as if he had ex; a to walk in, and warn them, in a sepulchral tone, of its being the for bed. “Tt isn’t much to do with literature,” says Dick BolLrnenroox, mixing a Y ape irite-and-water for himself, and utterly uncon- scious of quell ile of somnolence, ‘* but I want him to write me a a farcical pantomimical piece for the Sympo- sium, and a good topical song for the Jolly Sam Smuasn. I suppose you ’ve not heard him ?” = turning to Mrs. Cosserr. No, Mrs. Cosserr hasn’t. Nor has Squire Cosserr. Who, they like to know, is the Jolly Samvet in question ?

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196 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 1, 1880, _“* Comic singer,” replies Mr. Bortincproox—“ clever chap, not a bit vulgar; and he” (alluding to me) ‘‘ knows exactly the sort of thing he can do. I want” (he goes on to me) “ another song like the one you did for him before—what’s its name ? ” “ Yes,” I say, “I know.” And I try to ignore the Jolly Sam as much as possible, so as to get to business, and, above all, to bed. Sut Dick sticks to the name of the song, and remembers it. **T recollect,” he cries; ‘it was ‘ Naughty Sally Yes.” I can’t deny it; it was “‘ Naught Sally Slack.’ “* Well,” he continues, ‘‘ that’s the sort of thing, and all topical, with a regular good catch-’em-alive-O! chorus.” And he beams round on the company, who, considering their state of struggle between politeness an Sa a considerably astonished at m Tcopennanes in this new ¢ i he clock strikes eleven; and the Squire, who has been nodding over the magazine, as if he assented to every word of it, suddenly opens his eyes, shakes himself, laughs, starts up, kes the fire, hesitates about adding more coals, decides that he'd aed not, and subsides into his arm-chair once more. _ Dick rises. He is evidently going. Mrs. Cossert rises; the Ladies rise; we all rise. ““ Won't you take something more?” inquires our hostess, be- coming quite lively again at the near prospect of being allowed to retire. “Thanks,” replies Dick, who hasn’t the smallest idea that he is Uneriting the domestic arrangement-of years. ‘‘I think I will.” Weal solemnly resume our seats. The Aunt, who is quite at a loss what to do with herself, at any time, without her work, and is now utterly helpless, cannot restrain a very decided yawn. A light seems to break in upon Dick. ‘I’m afraid I’m keeping you up,” he says, pleasantly. : m. dear no!” repiiee lice. CosserT, in the most cheerful manner possible. The other Ladies, as a mild chorus, faintly echo, ‘Oh, dear no!” he Squire says heartily, “Oh, no! we’re not particular to an hour!” But his very forced effort at joviality ends in a half stifled yawn. He makes a feint of mixing a weak drink for himself, and then he listens to Dick BorLineBRooK’s conversation. ** Will you be able to run over to Paris the day after to-morrow ?” he asks me, forgetting my invalid condition ; and hardly waiting for my solemn shake of the head by way of reply, he continues, ‘‘ 1 was in Paris the night before last, had just run over on Monday,”’— they stare at him, why, Paris to them means a preparation of six weeks, a stay of a month at least, and the subject of conversation for years,—*‘ and I saw Les Pantouffles de Monsieur Chambertin, which you might do something with for Muecer. Capital part for Mueerr. You ’ve seen Muaeer, of course,”—this to Cossert, who nods doubtfully,—‘* Good low comedian ; I pay him as much as would keep five curates comfortably,”—this statement interests Slack.’ the Aunt, who is of an evangelical turn,—‘ but,” he continues s me, by Pantouffles is nothing to The Jabichkoff at the mperial,’ ‘** The Imperial, where ?”’ I ask. ‘* Petersburg,” he replies. ‘* Have you been to——— ?” gasps Mrs. Cosserr. ‘* Petersburg ?” answers Dick, before she can get the word out. ‘“Yes—let me see—it was last Tuesday week. I came round that way as I had some business at Vienna and Berlin, and it’s better to see a person, if it’s important, than to telegraph or write——” We all a to this. ‘** Yes,” he continues, in a sort of pleasant cheery soliloquy ad- dressed to the public, “I fly about a good deal; and while other people are talking about what > going to do, I doit. I can generally make up my mind in half a minute, and then the rest is all detail. I’m on two or three Fy pan Lin’ 4 commissions at present—Government generally sends to me when they want correct information. I never give ‘em theories, or my own fads and crotchets, but just go into the £ s. d. of the matter, and reduce it to an argumentum ad pocketum.” Here he finishes his glass, and rises to put it on the table. Once more we rise. A quarter to twelve. Fine opportunity for a yawning chorus; but we dissemble. / ‘““You must be very busy,’ observes Mrs. CosseTr, meaning to suggest that he might possibly be wasting his time now, and be over- fatiguing himself. “Very!” echo the Ladies and the Squire. “Pretty well,” replies Dick ; ‘‘ but can just spare time to run down and seea friend. I shall be off by the first train to-morrow morning.” Here at last is a ray of light—a chance for the thin end of the wedge without any breach of politeness, and Mrs. Cossetr avails herself of it. ‘**T am afraid,” she says, ‘‘ that we must apologise for keeping you up if you ’ve got to leave so early.” “Oh no!” he says. “ It makes no difference to me.” _ y ‘* T suppose,” observes the yan, in the hopes of Scoping bine to admit that he would be of one night’s rest in the quiet country, after all his work and travelling, ‘‘1 suppose you have not much chance of going to very early in town?” By which the Squire evidently means that Dick probably can’t get to bed, as a e, before twelve. ‘** No,” says Dick, cheerily, standing bolt upright, as lively and as wide awake as ever he is at mid-day—‘‘ No. J haven’t been to bed before four o'clock in the morning for the last thirty years !” I can almost hear the jaws drop as the entire party seem to utter a feeble groan, and stagger back to their chairs. ; No one dare ask him if he’ll take any more. No one likes to be the first to sit down again. We are thunderstruck. I remember how, but a very short time since, I might have said much the same FAREWELL! A Munisrer1at Metopy—arrer Moors. Fo he ne’er will forget the big Bill that he drew, i) ' wn upon him in concord undue ! When they talk of Conservative Chiefs put a" : | My seme be greeted, and not with de- ght. With each cup that you sip, and each pot that you Ril, Ta? = to the subject of Cross and is Bill— How } wide, when the talk is of water, not r. One kind voice would murmur, ‘‘ It wasn’t too dear.” unG by Mr. Cross to the Ratepayers of London. FAREWELL ! whenever welcome hour When the Pekoe is fragrant in bou- doir and bower, . Then think of your \ Cross who had made the brew At the ratepayers’ cost even dearer | , to you. Like the vase where Thames-water hath Should he ever re- | Y stood oe eg filter the stuff turn, not a hope | a ™ boil, you may filter as will remain * d Of a echeme thet | But a the sewage will hang roun had doubled the | Companies’ gain, | ' THE EASTERN QUESTION. But you the} Let the Whigs do their worst, there are mem’ries of joy, Tory Bills of the past which they cannot estroy, Thoughts of which will arise in our mo- ments of care To remind us of laurels we once used to wear. Long, tong be my heart with such memories filled dear _— , | How do you the Ottoman Empire And still, in the ev: , when Ladies fill up Constitutional Monarchy? Answer. Be- With the strongest of Hyson the five o'clock cup, cause the SULTAN reigns, but does not govern.

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Mar 1, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 197 Sing only without the thirty years. ‘‘ Where is the life that once I led ?” After this declaration there is a dead silence. It is at last broken id we Ladies must retire, and leave you pag oe 1 a up . wah you Te. oe 0 are ing, and tha will be neutralised Fortunately it suddenly occurs to Dick Bortincsroox that there | h etting into his hotel should he sta out beyond twelve, “* in whick case,”’ he adds, ‘‘ you won’t be sur- don’t shoot a hen shall I by Mrs. Cossett observing, ‘‘ Well, I’m afraid I feel that with them my of the beneficial effects of my stay at Motemoss at one fell stroke, may be some difficulty about prised if you hear all your dogs barking. Onl revolver at me out of your window. Good-night. you in town ?” he asks me. Now, this is a question which is very difficult for any guest to | answer in the presence of his host, unless the host answers himself and says, ‘‘Oh, we won’t let him go yet awhile,” which in this in- stance Squire does not, as he is ovenemtty afeaia that if I don’t go to Mahomet, Mahomet will come to me. I am obliged to reply that I shall be we See next Monday (three days hence), when it will be for my to interrupt me with, ‘‘Oh no, not so soon as that,”—but here again the interruption doesn’t occur, and I am forced, willy-nilly, to make an appointment for next Monday in town to talk business with Mr. Dick Bortivesrook, when I had oped to have remained at Motemoss for another three weeks, happily, quietly, meditatively, fed at regular hours, lazily * * * * | Ah! Stay! Lazily!—there’s much truth in that. It’s developing into that—self-indulgently—lasily | No! better in this work-a-day world to imitate the Busy B-—-Bortinesroox—and be up (in town) and doing. So farewell, a long farewell to the Motemossians at -on-Sea, where the Dovecot is once more tranquil, and the Doves unruffled | FEATHERING THEIR NESTS. ITH plea- sure we extract the following letter from the Daily News :— “Bruvs’ Nests. , very many of your numerous Mr. MacponaLp will be glad to hear that A Superintendent pe’ the ware Keepers of Ep- ping Forest have received strictest possible orders from my Committee to take every means in ~ their power to prevent birds’- nesting, bird snaring, and bird shooting within the precincts of the forest. Every- thing, in fact, will be done that can be done to render the glades of Eppin Forest as full of life as they are of beauty, nothing being allow to be destroyed except venomous reptiles, such as adders or vipers.—I am, &c., Joun T. Brproxp, Chairman of the Epping Forest Committee.—Guildhall, April 17.” Bravo! Mr. Chairman. He evidently wants to make each tree in Epping Forest a school of harmony, with the birds as professors of music in all its branches. Mr. Beprorp is a Nestor of wisdom, not a birds’-nester. | | He is well known as a Liberal, and now he has proved himself a true Conservative. Not only that, but he shows himself also a veritable disciple of St. Patrick, turning out all the adders and vipers Epping Forest as energetically as did the Great Saint evict those ten- ene the shores of Old Ireland. More power to e@ So Epping Forest now will be A very pretty sight; ** Birds in their little nests agree” That Mr. Beprorp’s right. Stupendous Star-Showers. Tatx of the greatest recorded A and November It'ie propencl ts' give this the, distinguiching ule of is “* The Disraelite Star Shower.” tens Lp ae he “ Leo Britannicus,” and pe sm Mo brilliancy as anything but remar FOR MR. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD’S AMUSEMENTS- LEGISLATION REFORM. Br whom t Licences for Plays to be ted ? Brideady Poetic Justice of the nee THE REAL REASON WHY. (Our old friend Sairey G. confers with her Counsellor-in- Chief, Mrs. (P.M.G.) Harris, on the Cause of the Conservative Collapse. “The upper Grom, SO, Ge coupon of eldest sons and a few specially rich men, are showing a i . Whether this be owing to purely selfish reaso lee to peetentional refusers, ional beauties, professional married flirts, female welchers in general, and J of all sorts in Society, it is difficult to say exactly. Probably the causes are mixed, but the fact remains; and with the result that the upper classes are oo by the lower, and that the descendants of the letariat and the sh ony,” in the Pall Ran Gaserte. Dear Mrs. ’Annts, are! I never knowed you wrong, no never! —that wi per are likely to rule England.’’—‘‘A Paresupicep Right Bein’, wotever Doesr says,—the spiteful cat! wise and clever. Bat here you do yourself, the werriest wiper must admit it ; Tis inapdiagion, newaek else, the way you’ve bin an’ gone and ’it it. *ve heerd a many regions give for this ere suddent y-turvey— aes We Oe eee ike is simply scurvy— But this bangs all; it’s genius, Mum; it flashes on yer like a rocket, As ought to raige your name and put a somethink ’andsome in your pocket. And = should better know than us poor Monthlies, Mum? Which, on reflection, There ’s been a certain lowering in the tone of even my connection. Which hw -crust it ever were, none o’ yer workin’-classes, cuss ’em | As Sarrey don’t ’erself to mingle with, much less to nuss ’em. But yet I must admit my calls among the Duchesses, and so on, ts not quite ‘wot they, wsed to wos and if this sort of thing’s to go on, Our okkypation won’t be wuth a button, which, ’owever ’umb It’s up with the British breed, and when one falls the other ’ll tumble. It scares me, Mrs. Arnis, Mum; it reglar puts me in a twitter ; ; And I’m aweer you’re yo as well your feelinks may be bitter. The way things ’as bin going on, flooring your —— like winking |! I wonder you’ ve not lost your evingly temper, dear, or took to drinking. For you and me to be so out, with our experience, is most riling : to the Upper Ten to do the trick, and turn up smiling ; Eee chapheepers and proly—wot ’s it ?—them to go and fill their quivers, While of Swells is empty !—Gr-r-r! it gives a poor old soul the shivers! Which wot I mean to say is this, Jezerbels or purfessional Beauties, Don’t ought to hinder youthful Nobs from doing of their bounden dooties. We’ve ’ad a many blows of late; but of the Conntey 9 cusses The wust would be for it to lose its Nobles and its thly Nusses ! That dratted Grapstive ’s bad ;—it ’s lovely, dear, the way you slate ’im! But this is wus than Wrii14m’s —the ojus , ow 1 ’ate him! I shouldn’t wonder after all if he’s the cause of is miscarrying ; Or praps may yet bring in a Bill to stop the Hupper Classes marrying! Jest like him, my sweet creeter, jest, bein’ that ’orrid wain and wilent, There ’ll be no Hu Suckle soon if sech as you and me keeps silent. But not while 1 ’ve a woice, my dear! We’re threaten’d with the wust of If only shopkeepers and such goes in for ‘‘ Welcome Little Strangers.” It’s clear as us old women now must rouge us, and be hup and doin’, Wav tnt “Hon get it septen Aiea, pour tame aan Change lteraiocg ire in ou’ it neater. , your was always literairey, “St, George’s and Old England! that must oa Your faithful Sarney. Cottzctive DecorarTion the late-present Cabinet).—The Grand Cross of the Elections ! as

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198 ” PUNC HL, = r dpvet (a much attention to them would be a most dangerous proceeding. (Cheers.) His pupils would soon have to face the world dy and thcir succes in after ie would depend entirely upon their physique. Only in the fields could health be obtained, and jumping, racing, hammer-throwing, a never be neglee for such men recreations as Classics an inten (Loud cheers.) Ina word, the body must never 47

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 1, 1880. SUNSET. (After B. R. Havpow.)

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May 1, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON -CHARIVARI. a )) —[—_- y pl —— / | Z ‘iy Ly " = =) pe 7 —— NON —— M 7 i) i) “SAVE ME FROM MY FRIENDS!” Artist, ‘‘OH, 80 YOU THINK THE BACKGROUND ’s BEASTL¥, DO you ?! HAPS THE CATTLE ARE BEASTLY TOO, THOUGH I FLATTER M¥8ELF——” Tuat’s J08T WHAT THEY Friendl ARE wor/” Critic. ‘‘On no, m¥ Dear Fetiow! THE BREWER’S ARMS. “ Armorial bearings were originally intended to convey a re- presentation of great achievements."’— Blome's Heraldry. \Ir being generally understood that Her Most Gracious Masesty intends to raise Sir A. Gurwwess to the Upper House, Punch submits the following Coat-of-Arms for the approval of the new Baron. Quart-erly. Ist, Azure, three X’s or transversely. Party-per- Pale (Ale). Ist, Potent, a Bottle of Stout, proper. 2nd, Counter- Potent, a Pick-me-up, proper. 3rd, , & Pot of Stout, frothant, fizzant. 4th, Sable, Sir A. Guinness, dis-membered, proper. The Shield is differenced by the Label (duly entered as’a trade-mark) of the eldest son. Su . — Dexter, a Vat-man, swearing proper. Sinister, a Stout Barmaid, talkin improper. Crest.—On a Casque, or, a hog’s-head showing its teeth, rampant. aes 0 ° The Guinness Stamp is but the rank, The man’s the gowd for a’ that! Title.—Lord Coorgr, Viscount de la Bere. Work about Worms. \'\Om the palatal subject of ‘‘ Flukes in Sheep,” Mr. T. cER CopBoLp, F.R.S., writing from the ‘‘ Scientific .” has favoured the 7imes and the public with an unication, in which he styles himself ‘‘a worker b e rank and file of helminthology.”’ The science of helmin , amongst its numérous and in- teresting objects, includes the Tapeworm family (Tenia). Has Mr. Cossorp, in the course of his helminthological fesearches, ever met with, and can he suppl us with any t of the remedies for that terrible apeworm b ich our official departments, Civil, Military, and Naval, all infested, the 7'’enia rubra, or Red Tapeworm ? Psr- CH con his readers on the spread of one quite uno’ partie Ne of not only harmless but in- structive Literature—Street Lamps street-lettered. sacrificed to the mind. Those who unduly taxed their in’ strength would have to pay for the excess in weakened ey cramped limbs, shattered nerves, and thinned blood. No, let young friends take their pleasures wisely, their present business Athletics—Culture might be safely left to the future. Dumb- and hurdles, leaping poles and water-jumps, were of far more impor- his tance to them at their time of life than all the works in the combined libraries of the two great Universities. (Cheers.) Unless this in mind they would never be able to boast of having the object of the educational teaching of the Academy, and that object was exp in the motto under the College Arms in Latin, ibly in compliment to the contests that had taken place that day laughter, he meant ‘‘ Salus populi suprema est lex!” (Enthusiastic cheering.) The assembly then separated, greatly pleased with the day’s pro- ceedings, TROUBLE AT THE TOWER, AT an open-air meeting on Tower Hill, held a few days ago * to protest against the restrictions placed upon the public in to the viewing of the Tower of London and its interesting relics therein collected,”’ on the motion of a gentleman named Cox, it was unani- mously resolved — “That this meeting is of opinion that the free opening of the Tower of London without useless restrictions and red-tapeism is highly desirable and absolutely , a8 the venerable fabric contains a million histories, which can only be properly studied and learnt, and converted to public benefit, by placing the building and its contents on the same footing as the British useum, National Gallery, and other national collections.’’ In this opinion the liberal-minded and educated reader will concur, mi wance for some peculiarities in its expression. No doubt it is *‘ highly desirable,” if not perhaps quite ‘‘ absolutely n Sg that the Tower of London should be treely open ‘* without —— i Lond sabteemis 1” thet f9 tp ony the sed-tapeiem which sues contains a many, if mot os md can “ only be properly studied end learnt” those existing ts for admission to the d as ‘ useless s and red-tapeism,” was of the meeting, Mr. Henny Jurson, who way in which visitors were treated there under the present pee a t i and the only way to thorough! eaten bie the Tower and felge for oneself, He had been several times, the last occasion being Monday the 12th ult. It was a eold day, and the East wind searched the bones of the the open air for fifty minutes to take their turn.” Why Hex Masestry’s sales, whe they honour Her with a vi to be put to all that inconve- nience? And is it that are allowed to see so very little of i 's ? You frequently hear your friends ask, “Why not shown the dungeons?” In the Tower it may many skeletons in the cupboards, ps more than one skeleton eletons in the Tower be more the musumies fa the British Museum? Is it true the haunted; that one prison-chamber still con- tinues to resound at intervals with the | ay of Guy Fawkes; rom time to time, is an and that the Tower Ghost, talked about awful fact ? : ‘ That the restrictions on viewing the Tower, which certainly seem to have been i either red-tapeism or some other official i may be promptly abolished, a ——— Member of Parliament will, perhaps, as soon as possible, draw up a Kesolution similar to that upon by the assembly on Tower Hill, and propose it to the of Commons. be

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202 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mayr 1, 1880. THE BAGPIPER OFiMIDLOTHIAN. An Old Tale adapted to new Tunes. uli.A lh i mm vA J "MIT Gp. Hl Ald iil: aad ul Mt ly re y ii wo iyi pits YY With Apologies to Medieval Mythology and Mr. Browning. IDLOTHTAN ’s in Scotland, Where stands fair Edinbro’s city, Twixt the F _ of Forth and the Firth ot yde, On the og and the western side pleasan on you never ; But, when teak my ditty (Twas only a few brief months ago), To see that district monopolised so By Tories seemed a pity. tm, Tories ! They ’d Geasomne the land with their gush (Even gumetal some Scots, though they 're commonly cute), And so tickled the’ crowd with pee | stories, Their fuming and fluster, Their bragging and bluster, That the Liberals pined, and grew mumchance and mute. Wf ; gc i i a a a

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May 1, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 203 OMNIBUS FULL AND FREE. A ConRESPONDENT of the Times, ‘‘R. B.” calls attention to facts suggestive of a way by which the question between Churchmen and Dissenters concerning interment might easily be settled to the satisfaction of both | sides. He says that ‘* Mr. Moncan does not | seem to be acquainted with the condition of our Churehyards,” which resembles that presented by the “*Gravedigger’s Scene in Hamlet,” insomuch that they having most] been full “‘ for the last 300 years,” an English people having all that while ‘‘ been burying their dead in the ashes of the dead,” now there “‘ scarcely ever is a grave dug in the remotest churchyard without bones, skulls, &e.) being thrown up.” Moreover,” adds *‘R. B.,” ‘‘the level of all church s is | above the level of the church-floor.” If all this is y the case, it 5: s for itself, and as distinctly as possible tells Mr. Osnonyre Morea, and everybody else who cares to be told, the two things the Legislature should do for the solution of this grave difficulty ; that is, a an Act to open the Churchyards to manner of Dissenting bodies, and close them immediately against all bodies whatsoever; thus both opening and closing them to everybody without dis- tinction of sect. So much for the present, from Yours everlastingly, = yourcx. Court News. Lorp Haxrtineton took a constitutional walk on Thursday evening last from Windsor Railway Station to the Castle. He politely | declined the use ‘of the perambulator sent to meet him. His gait and his gingham were much admired. His carriage was con- icuous from its absence. ile waiting at the station for his return train, he carefully surveyed the new Liberal Platform. Neat and Appropriate. Ir is stated that at the last social Cabinet | meeting, the Minister » With | much pa’ the scene from SHELLEY’s vs Unbound, ending with the | couple t— | “ Till they fail, as I am failing— | Dizzy lost yet unbewailing!”’ Initials on a Rock. Ovk comic religious contem . the Rock, advertises itself as omen h to “ Ritualism, Rationalism, and Romanism.”’ | These may be called the Rock’s Three k's ahead, R for Rock is a Fourth; a Fifth is | the Religion it sets up exclusive claims to ; to which may be added a Sixth, the Risi- bility it provokes. ONLY A LETTER. Elected—L/(iberals), Eyected—J (ingoes). THE oNLY ConsERVATIVE WInNNINGs, — On the “‘ City and Suburban.” SiC ITUR AD ASTRA; OR, HOW PELHAM JONES GETS INTO “ SOCIETY.” His Wire nas A ComPpLexion or Dazziine Beauty, AND HE CONTRIVES FOR HER A HEAD-DRESS CONSISTING OF A Gitt Scosce witn WaAx-LicuTs AnD Reriectrors to Licat UP HER Fac®, AND SURMOUNTED By A SILVER B&LL TO ATTRACT ATTENTION. Nexr YEAR HE WILL UNVEIL AND ILLUMINE HER Neck AND Sa#OULDERS, WHICH ARE EQUALLY REsPLENDENT—AND 80 ON, NO DOUBT, TILL HE REACHES THE HIGHEST RuNG oF THE LADDER. ITT. = at last those Liberals, all in a ‘0 And as good as Council and Caucus came flocking. ***Tis clear,” cried they, “that a Jingo’s a Noddy. And as for our Tory Government—shocking ! But the question is. what the deuce shall we do?” At which the Big- Whigs looked wofully blue, admitted that none of But just as the Tories were all at full snigger, There suddenly popped up the funniest figure ; Glad in Galashiels checks, grey, green, and red, And a brand new gift silk-cap on his head ; And he himself was sallow and thin, With keen clear — could scathe or win, And sparse white hairs and a parchment skin, Scant tuft on cheek, no beard on chin, But lips firm-clench’d as an iron gin; And no Liberal soul could enough admire The grim grey man and his quaint attire; __ But the Tories scowled and gave vent to their ire. body, em knew.

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204 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 1, 1880, Quoth they, “‘ A new trick of the Arch-Deluder ! Let us muster and kick out this base intruder.” IV. But he advanced to the Council table And ‘ ‘Please your Worships,” said he, ‘I’m able, By means of a secret charm, to draw All creatures—with ears—beneath the sun ; After me they are bound to run In such a style as you never saw. I’m willing,” said he, “to try my charm On th I’m also possessed of a To strengthen limp Libs, The time-serving e Tories—they ’re doing the country harm. J 've ene Weak at the knee; t and the envious Viper ; And they call me Wandering WIx.te the Piper.” And here they observed that he carried his pipes, This man of the breeze-blown Galashiels stripes, And his fingers, they noticed, were ever straying, As if impatient to be playing Bat the Big, Whigs looked just a little bit. cool, Inclined to believe that the man was a fool ; Whilst the Tories yelled ‘ You may do your worst, And blow away till your Bagpipes v. inte the oe the cee, m: a As if he eT In his quiet pipes the while. Then like a + iS — the pipes his = he bagged, is fingers flew, ne’er a ey ’ And e’er three the had ney ap 1a th Gining to ai ht sabrind e m a And outof their ed he Tories came ‘pourin: £; With t and many a groan Unable to fashion a f To rally those pray ee Ss = Could only follow with envious e Hearts in the doldrums and heads on the rack, That numberless crowd at the Piper’s back, whose A mighty flood ess TO Swept that Piper's foes from their place at the Poll. * So Wrire has to be surest of wi pers Of seores out with ayy hate all such Pipers. He has piped us free of Jingoes—they ’re no miss !— And he promises well. May he keep his promise ! Tue subject of Vaccination has again turned u Sally from Below Stairs. d arguments , an are advanced anew for ostanning vaccine lymph ihe the Calf. Mr. 8a Joun Tom the arm. APPROPRI AS writes to he would prefer being vaccinated in ATE PERFORMANCE.—George Barnwell at the Gaiety. ** Very tragical Now Titles are going, who ’s to"_have the Earldom of Earlswood ? BOLTED AGAIN. HE Universal om ae again, er the gad-fly sting of criticism, kicked = Se ro and fair belted from the Francais. Her present address is St. Addresse, near Havre. She is determined to ™ \. have so much, at \ least, of the saint about her. declared her in- tention of devot- herself to painting and sculpture, and ' playing no onger, after she yay t.* But then" (ask th bomi “P aes ra engagement. — But then (as ese abominable critics D at 2 susens and sculpture has she not been playing till sow, and she not go on playing as much as ever? On this point, as on all, Saran appeals from her critics to the public. the former declare that her present retreat to St. Andresse is mere matter of address. As the French proverb puts it, ‘‘ Elle recule pour mieux sauter !”” y Ok the words of the immortal Wiit1aMs, she makes herself scarce, t “ Being wanted, she may be more wondered at!’’ The difficulty with this eccentric Lady is not to say, ‘‘ che Sard?” but “ che non Sard?” Till she takes herself, her life, and her many arts au s¢rieuz, there can be little chance of the critics doing so. En attendant she must be content, “ ae ge tragédienne,” as she would be willing! accepted, to pass for a “ F mages: y who likes nothing so muc as to e fun at the public, and to mystify those who are simple enough to interest themselves about her vagaries. NOT TOO LATE YET. (Apropos of a Monwment not yet in the Abbey.) Says the Duke of W. to the Dean of W., ** You see how things are ) foing Mr. Dean, And e’en at this late hour Ill make bold to trouble you, To ponder what these late elections mean. **] must confess to me it’s as plain as A B C,— And to you the fact may not seem immaterial,— That the People’s voice is clear to all who care to hear, ‘ We’ll have nought to do with anything Imperial.’ ” Says the Dean of W. to the Duke of W., ** There ’s something in the inference, your Grace ; I am open to conviction, and to stop all further friction, Suppose we found the Prince another place!” Marry in Haste, and Repent at Leisure. As this is Leap Year, we may remind our marriageable readers of both sexes that the Germans call April 21 the ‘‘ Buss-tag,”’ meaning the Day of Repentance. Too many a British lad and lass after the April Fool game of “ Kiss in the Ring,” have had reason to keep their Buss-tag as a day of repentance ever afterwards ! NO MORE WANTED. THERE is said to be an increase this month in one item of our imports from France—the Article of Jesuits—of which there is only already too large a stock in this country. Enratum.—The “ Apropos Anagram ” in our last should have been printed —“Wriiiam E. Gurapstons—As willing to lead ’em.” @ To Oomrusronpants.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed envelope Sor Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a should be kept.

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f SO i! wd ki A REGULAR TURK. GROW UP,’ Aunt Annie. “ Wny, Dgar?” Tommy. *‘ To nave Revenee/” | } ‘ | - ‘ 4 ' } ’ , i ’ / | . i Y / i i } " hy Tt : - iwi al wel ‘ WY) P i | Th 7 ‘ af , | | : | i { f J ' it | } | ! | | ’ lh | | H it *, ‘ ; | | H t Y ; May 8, 1880.) ies PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 205 MEDICAL M.P,’S, Dear Dr. Puncn, REFLECTING persons have begun to see that, for legislation on sanitary matters and questions umber of medical science, the services of a sufficient number com t Medical Men such as yourself, Sir, are wanted in the House of Commons. You, of course, personally, are cagnged elsewhere. In other cases the objection may be taken that physicians, surgeons, and general prac- titioners of eminence would find it impossible to attend to both their patients and their parliamentary duties. Vain would be the ring at the night-bell of an Honour- able Gentleman accustomed to > ail his night at St. Sana, 8, after the usual fashion of the votaries of that , and not to go home till morning, till day- Fight doth doth appear. But the world knows nothing of its greatest medical men, like you know whom, Sir. Philosophers accustomed to think for themse ives, declare their thoughts, and deviate from routine, thereby alarm the ome KB. their Profession and the Public, get the apeted eccentric, and obtain a practice, if any, very select indeed. A moderate number of Medical Members of that sort would suffice for the requirements of the House of it? ~~ > oy soliciting a to _ cane, one paying m pre when they take them, poring SL onan! If those conditions could not be fulfilled, it might be found more practicable to introduce medical philosophy inte the Legislature vid the House of Lords. Of the two Houses, a Physician or Surgeon, Physiologist and rational being, would decidedly prefer the Peers, on account of the reasonable hours wont to be kept in that House, as compared with the other. Also, because of the comparative brevity of — Lords’ eloquence. I enclose my card , by oe tony rad readers will perceive that I am at home fro twelve in the morning, and from three till five in oe afternoon. In the mean- while believe me your affectionate Brother Chip, AscLerivs Jomnson, 1, Centaur Street, Chiron Place, House round the Corner 4 A Very Old Master. A REPORT of a recent meeting of the Senate at Cam- bridge states that the candidate for B.D. “is required to be M. og tanding f - Tommy (who has just been operated on). ‘‘ J MEAN TO BE A Dentist, WHEN I | tion.” _ ry be cae yenee’ 6 Angee Ba there must be Masters of Arts nearly as old as Apa. Or does Darwinism rather re- uire us to read for ‘‘ Anam” the first Anthropoid Ape, or arine Ascidian ? do for me. ere, I’1l have In only President of the Council ! The Duke of Arqyll. What? You grumbling? Why, I’ve only | Secretaryship. Lord ll Well, here Jam again. And I don’t mean to miss mas chance this time. point in IN THE TEETH OF THE LATE NORTH-EASTER., om aan been displayed to greater advantage in the réle * wad Mr. Gladstone. First Lord of the Treasury and Chancellor of the, Lari Saeed. Foreign Secretary ? a a bit of it! Exchequer? Hum! Well. I suppose I can’t say “no.” But, | excellence, the Sg to pes in the Ly =: consider a moment; wouldn’t HarTineton, now——? | Mr. H. C. BE. Ci Mowt certainly And, I wish I could > Marquis o Hartington. Oh, » pray don’t mind me / Anything will | as much for myseli.. Th The ave Office ! William Harcourt. The Home Department. My tact, disere- diplomatic habit » of mind would, perhaps, have Iam, par y the very first thing I | shall do will be to teach t heads the Hornpi Earl Spencer. And a very good thing too; why, look at me,I’m| Earl of Northbrook ely? Wall, I wish you — ya me @ | te inst, T learnt « good in India, but, alas!—not that / ell, my Lords and Gentlemen—we ’ve all a good got the Bright. Ab What am J to do with the Privy Seal ? dec to mg "Even an efficient President of the Local Government Mr. B a - much as I — with the Duchy of Lan- | Board isn’t made in a day! por of Lancaster! Do they think that they’re| ring to male me with ha? “ P oe r 0, 7, hn it asof a far| ‘ oun tougher than, the ‘Toard ‘of The Board of Trade, | Eatin Aanthiates. indeed ! ’s it, is ono It yoke | os like a Caucus, does it’, Gznerat Lonis Metixorr is ory from St. Petersburg to be But, ha! ha! Tou wait. You ’1l see! “doing all in his power to fini quickly as possible with Mr. W. E. Forster. Wait? One would have thought that waiting Nihilism.” Should he sueceed in so doing, Mxtixorr will be en- might have led to something a little better than the Irish titled to change his name to Frvisnory. Success to him in his endeavour to reduce Nihilism to Nil. Ear! of yy 44 Quite right: no moredoI. No,—if thereis| Post noc et Prorrer noc.—A little Cross, he was. A grand any Cabinet, it is certainly not—— Cross, he i 15. VOL. LXXVIII. T ie ——— nme ‘ : . . i oo =

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206 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. A MAY MEETING. President. Welcome, Sir! as the flowers in May!” London’s brightest May flow’rs, one might say, Are those that yearly bloom upon your walls, Art’s annual blossomings. President (aside). This man austere, ungracious ! Without o’erduly stretching your neat trope, yP taste that, like the Attic bees, Has supped from classic chali Premier (aside). This man’s mock-Greek! (Aloud.) Premier. Thanks! And Clubdom calls They say The grace of the y, The glory that was Greece, now lives again On Letenton’s Canvass.

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Mar 8, 1880.) ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 4 LA ee IE ey Lape! Zp Z LS , Cha "ae J, on ” ¥ ts 7 GOS ed 2: > aa . LAs 4 . ~~ gM: SBIR, re Vie - 4 A YOUNG HOPEFUL. ‘* Wert, Rect, you pon’r Smoxe ret, I suprosz ?” ‘No; BUT IF You HAVs ANY ‘Jumprxna PowpER’ ABour You, ILL TAKE A PULL!” =. his trade-mark, in hope of a like result. Painter (aside.) He’ll make Freppy yain! Enough of Hyblan sweets, my Cockalorums! Methyglyn is the cloyingest of jorums. President. We set you high /ast year—anticipation Of that which now the verdict of the Nation Makes an Art-dream no more. Premier. I apprehend. I stood before the Canvass of your friend, And dreamed—it matters little what ; the whole _Has come to pass. Painter (aside.) ‘Oh, my prophetic soul! ” President. A splendid portrait of a splendid — Premi Hush! emier. Do not divide the laurels ; let the brush VELasquez might have wielded take them all. Painter. You're too magnanimous ! emier. On yonder wall A pendant master-piece now meets my sight, From the same hand,—my noble friend, Joun Brieut. Superb, Sir! Art is happy most in this, That the Arena’s changing cheer or hiss It need not echo, giving welcome hearty o all. Painter (aside), When they are up / President, Art knows not party, But hospitality’s old rule holds best, ** Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest.” Premier. Fortunate I to be in time for this ! So pleasant a May-Meeting who would miss ? [ Ezeunt mahoganywards, BEER GETTING UP. Sre Hewry Attsopr’s Ulster Hand havin become a fait i, we understand Mr. Bass is about to opt a Coronet for OUR NEW NOVEL. Prefatial Arrangements—Letters from the Editor to Celebrated Novelist— Letter from Celebrated Novelist to Editor—Amicable settlement — Retraction— Interesting and Important Announce- ment, Letter the First from Editor to Celebrated Novelist. My Dear Antonto, We, the Modern Novel Co. (Limited), want a work from your pen. When can you let us have it ? Yours, Eprror (Novel Co. Limited), Chairman of the Modern Novel Committee. Without prejudice. Deak Eprrtor, My name is not Antonio. It is Anrnony with the ‘‘h.” There is no use in retaining the “h.” But I like it. You want. ou say, ‘‘a work from my pen.” Doyou? Good. Perhaps! 'd stter send you one of my pens if you think that can do the work, without the hand and head, and let me add, my good Sir, the heart to guide it. Now to business. What do you want’ hey? In your next let me know what you do want from wee ies iad Yours truly, it of prejudice. The Grn Babey Buntingford. From the Editor to the Novelist aforesaid. My Dear Tory, Tae “h” will be all right when we print your name. You don’t care about being Italianised, do you, as Awtonro, no, that’s your brother Doppiervss. Now, as you say—to business. We want a novel, not, if you will allow me the expression, in your novel style, but in your good old first-rate style; I mean, that style as applied to that elass of subjects, chiefly ecclesiastical, by which you are manu Ee which as a master of fiction, absolutely unsurpassed you are celebrated, and to which all your most ardent admirers most sincere well-wi do hope you will speedily return. Such a Antony Do.ior,

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208 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 8, 1880. W \! il i Whe hal Wer F 1 _F, 4 i “a 7 s ; OUR CLUB. Member (bursting into Card-Room, 9 a.m.). ‘‘On, WAITER, HAVE rou—I FANCY LAST NIGHT | MUST HAVE DROPPED a Fi)’ Pounp——” Waiter, ‘‘Here iT 18, Sik, ’SIN@’LAR THING, SiR,—’sEE IT UNDER THE TABLE DIREC’LY | come INTO THE Room! ’Lucky | Gor HERE FUST BEFORE ANY 0’ THE Mempens, Siz !! ” novel, in your genuine, easy-going, good old style of The Chronicles of Barsell- shire, and The Last Chronile of Barsell, with lots of Parsons, Deans, Bishops, and their wives and families ; that is the sort of thing we want, and what the ublic demands from your pen—I beg your pardon, | mean from your hand, ead, and heart.* (By the way, don’t you write with a pen?) This, my dear friend Tony, is what we require, preferring such a work ot genius to such other works of genius of yours as are represented, for example, by The Prying Minister, How We Dye Now, Who Used his Diamonds, and others too numerous, but not too humorous, to mention. Your terms are ours, and easy does it. The sooner you can let us have it the better, as from the moment the novel is announced, our doors will be besieged by anxious inguirers, and our letter-box choke full of communications from anxious pen-and-ink-quirers, who will waste reams of paper—‘‘ reams, idle reams!”—in bothering us to know when you are going to begin. So, my dear Tomy, let us have your answer, and believe us (and me), yours sincerely, Tue Eprror (Novel Co, Limited), With less prejudice than ever. Deak Ep. Nov.{Co. Lam., Don’t call me “‘ Tory.” I don’t like it. Tony is only associated in the public mind with ‘“‘ Lumpxi.” If you insinuate 1’m a Lumpkin, all is off between us. Ketract ‘“ Tony,” and I’m yoursto command. As to your opinion of my former or present style, I won’t take it even for what it is worth. Keep it to yourself; I have no use for it. You want a novel, on what you call an Ecclesiastical subject. That’s the English of it, isn’t it? Hey? You quote 7 | titles incorrectly, and you omit Zhe Churchwarden. Everyone liked The Churchwarden; and I think I’ve got just the thing for your readers, or rather for mine. How about Zhe Beadie? Hey? Hasm’t that the true smack about * This part of our correspondence reminds us curiously enough of another correspon- dence with a similar object long ago, between the first editor of the Cornhill Magazine, Mr. W. M. Tuacxeray, and one of his leading contributors, Mr. ANrHonwy TROLLOPE. The former wanted a novel for the Magazine ; the latter had commenced an Irish tale, when he was “civilly told’ that what was expected of him was a story thoroughly English, and, ‘if possible, about Clergymen.” History repeats ite situations with new characters. That’s the man for your money. The Beadle of Small-Beerjester Bowers. Hey? How’s that? You say terms are all right. That’s business. Consider it settled. I’ll do The Beadle, and throw in a couple of Bishops and a few new dignitaries for the money. Hey? m’t call me Tony again. I believe you my boy, and am yours bluffly, Awtuony Dotior. With any amount of prejudice. From Editor Novel Co. Limited to Novelist. Dear ANTHONY wits ax “ H,” I nerract ** Tony,” so all is on again be- tween us. Not co lieve me, but believe The Com- pany Limited, which I t, and which deals with you for this work of art (by my advice mind) that is to astonish England, Europe, and the world. Let us have the first instalment of The Beadle—it is to be The Beadle is it not?—as soon as possible, so that I may fairly announce it together with the correspondence which, of course, you have no objection to my publish- ing. Don't f it? Hey? the Bishops, and the ‘‘few new .” and, ¥ ible, make one of ’em an Arch- i . Don’t omit the female element of the ecclesias- tical life. Thoroughly English. You know how to do the trick. Im, or we are, Yours most sincerely, Tue Eprror. Without prejudice—except in your favour. (From Novelist to Editor.) Dear Eprrtor, Wire compliments. I don’t approve of ‘doing the trick.” I’m always yndintions — avour of honesty, truth, and justice. very lishman ought to be. Oughtn’t he, eh ? I refer you to my novel The Church- warden; or, Put that in your Pipe and Smoke It? Not read it? Getit. In haste. Yours, A. D., 1880. Au Public.—A letter from Mr. AntHony DoLiop protesting against the publication of the correspondence arrived, we deeply regret to say, too late to be of any use. In compliance, however, with the eminent Nove- list’s request, we at once retract as far as it is possible to do so, the whole of the co mdence in aoe. which we have only published in view of any difficulties that might subsequently arise between the high con- tracting parties. In conclusion we, on behalf of the Novel Company Limited, beg to announce the appearance in our next of an entirely new and original novel entitled THE BEADLE! oR, THE LATEST CHRONICLE OF SMALL-BEERJESTER. BY ANTHONY DOLLOP. Author of “‘ The Chronicles of Barsellshire,” ‘‘ Beerjester ro at The Hal way Fa mad aes, ** Thor ‘arm for Cattle aavly ‘arsonage,’ ** The Pr ing Minister,” Pearls Before Swine, or, Who Used His gg — > ee. “ The Way We e Ow. p64 Fishy in, pac 18. yas Wilduz,” “ De Morne and David James,” ‘* Star and Garter, Richmond,” “ Jellies of Jelly,” * The Lady Pye-Anna,” ‘Tails of All Creatures,” “* Arry ’Otspur,” “* Mary Greanly,” “ Vicar of Pullbaker,” ‘‘ Me un,” ** Can’t You Forget Her?” “ He Knew Write,” &e., Se. Could A Discovery. WE read in the Zimes— ‘‘Some documents 7 ~~ fo = Jemma * a considerable quantity of forged Spanish Bond ev ~ the same Vrigin as those detected some time ago on the Paris Bourse.” ish Bonds, than, are really worth something— they are worth forging

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May 8, 1880. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 209 GUIDE TO THE ACADEMY. (By “* Private View,” of the R.A, Volunteer Corps.) AvEAT emptor ! — Look out, Picture - buyers! The Academy is open. The verdicts have been ~ PERE rip Fes sees * Lead on ; low!” Eyes right and se ‘ left! And so Private View, in his full entals, precedes General Public. Montez! Montez! At first starting I do not begin at the beginning, but direct public attention to the following numbers, by way of a preliminary canter. No. 204. “* 4 Bite!” Sir F, Letenton, P.R.A. Sir Freperick should have chosen the Shakspearian line,— oaeae * Flea! we t Flea’ence! Flea!”’ Macbeth, Act iii., Sc. 3. Macbeth Sleepwalking Scene. H. T. ded. No. 217. An Infant Phenomenon in the i may be inten for ‘‘ The Victoria.” Lad; Wetts, R.A. It is called “ Victoria Regina,” a | It may be a Victoria, but it’s nota Shay-d’euvre. No matter;—‘“‘ All’s wells that ends wells,” as Crutch and Toothpick chaunt on Swells day. Let’s leave Wxx1s alone and pass on. No. 239. Out of Order ; or, Mechanical Doll with the Spring Broken. J. E. Mrizats, R.A. Never mind, there’s plenty more from the toy-shop where she came from, and it’s never too late to mend. No. 250. Ji us by what we are, not what we wear. E. J. Po R.A. The subject is Venus a clean pair fe aes to Aisculapius, who, with the skill of a doctor ‘eet. . Bellerophon, July 23, 1815. W.Q. Orcnarpson, R.A. and the eye of a poet, is scanning ~~" 262. On Board ype tag ition « NAPARTE @ prisoner on ily h ’un, loo e coast of France. The Artist should have called this clever picture, “‘ Going Nap.” No. 282. “* Take a card—I won't look—you’ll know it again,” &c. Mancvus Srowg, A. For this there should be a “‘ Hail Stone !” chorus. A Precious Stone. A Gem. Tionising an Artist. Burrow RB: A. A most striking terrific brutes ’ _ No. 298. On the Prowl ; or. icture. But where was the Artist when he took the portraits of pillar? He calls it “4A Night Watch.” What a night watch he must have had hind a pi it! He must be a very bold Briton. The Right Honourable John Bright, M.P, J. E. Mrtais, R.A. Eminent canvass. Admirable portrait. But it’s not Jonny er et, cal on a rightest. He should have been taken “ Orating,” and every expression caught. L. Atma TapEMA, rving as Hamlet ; or, Knee Plus Ultra, R.A. E. Lone, A. A three- mg enough. The Artist felt the subject would scarcely bear us the remainder next year. ‘‘To be continued in “ Very like, very like. Stay’d it Long?” &e. ''be—Just sufficient time to have his portrait taken. Letter-Writer. Gro. Rem. Portrait of a Gentleman trying What on earth he shall say” in his letter. The title is the “ Provost of Peter- and er expression suggests the ‘‘ Provost of Stupidhead.” : Right. No. 606. daughter of C. Andrew, Esq. G. D. Lustre, R.A. Pretty Lawn- Picture. Pity she be represented as a rackety sort of girl. t’s the state of the game? “ Fifteen—Love.” a Lady, as no charita of her behi No. 612. A Hot Day at Cookham. Orvro Weser. It ought to be hot if you go. to cook ’em. And there are such a lot of cattle to cook! More like Cowes, But why not call it an “Otto” day? Let us hope it is not by any means ‘‘ Weber's Last.” No. 613. The Ebb Tide on the Bar. Water J. Saw. One of the best pic- tures in this year’s Academy. The Artist henceforth to be distinguished as “ Sea- Shaw.” Visitors are particularly re- quested to see Suaw, when they will all with me, and no waverers among them. On dit, that this has been pur- chased by an eminent R.A. He was sit- ting before it; and, carried away by the sea-sentiment inspired by Saaw, began to hum to himself, or to humself,—‘' Buy the Sad Sea Wave;” and he bought it. This story may be told to the Marines. The title of Sng 5 is a little puzzling to inlanders, k ‘‘ where the ebb is tied on the bar ?” and “ how is the ebb tied on the bar?” and soon. But no matter—’tis a delightful picture, and “ Ebber of thee I’m fondly ing,” Mr. Sea-Saaw. No. 614. “* No Bathing- Machine !—(but where are the Police?)” Sir F. Letonton, P.R.A, Sir Freperick calls it** Psamathe.”’ ‘| Very likely it is, but more suggestive of Jane Shore. What a subject it would have been for Mr. Sanpys! Every one must feel considerable deli in talking of this person would like to behind her back ; and yet they can’t help it, if they are to aook of her at all. ; No. 654. Gushers at Home. Franx mo.) Dicey. Two young Ladies kissing on the stairs. Quite a fashionable *‘ An No. 655. Crenaia, P.R.A. It should be calle ] light,” and the motto | *s line, “ For littic souls on itt ir-o'-Dicey notion of ’ visits.” Sir F. Lerentor Joms~ Tek shifts rely A BALLAD OF THE BALLOT-BOX. I’m as clear as a babe new-born Of corruption, and of bribery, As at Highgate I'll dare be sworn, Or take my ’davy at ~ poet If you likes you may stand me a pot, ’Cause that’s nothink beyond congenial, But to bribe me best offer not ; No, I’d not be so beastly venial. Our Member, he says to me, As he might have said to any man, ‘* Birt Surraers,” he says, says he, ** A fi-pun note to a penny, man, I'll lay you I don’t come in. Are FP ea oad Noe J at me?” He spoke them words with a grin, And playful he wunk his eye at me. I says “Done; my chance is fair, A offer I never refuses.” Says “Now to win you declare, And I means to pay if I loses.” So I did wot I nooal could In my own self-defence and purtection, Which the party I backed, when he stood Lost his wager and gained his election ! Wen he know’d his seat was sure, He paid me the bet as I won of him, Which my ’ands bein’ perfeckly pure, e same was ’ansome done of him. Now ’ere is the fi-pun note, As I pockets without hillegality. So don’t ym say I sold my vote, Wich I ’olds clean agin moriality. Tue Last Carme or THe Late Govenn- MENT.—(Let us hope so.)—‘' Kibbonism.”

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PUNCH, OR TH LONDON CHARIVARI. =z SE ever [May 8, 1880, THE NEW SLEEVE. Granny (fron the Country). ‘‘But why DO THEY ALL sHOW THE Tors OF THEIR ARMS IN THAT RIDICULOUS MANNER?!”’ CABINET-MAKING. Wir.1AM the Woodman Jays aside his axe, And takes a turn at somewhat finer tooling. Deft Craftsman as he is, the work might tax _ The practised skill that follows lengthy schooling. Chopping down trees,—Upas or otherwise,— Is roughish toil, less asking mind than muscle, But here ’s a “‘ first-class job,” my boy, that tries More than comes out in mere athletic tussle. You find, of course,—it really scarce needs telling,— Shaping and fitting harder work than felling. Such lots of timber too! Shortness of stuff ls scarce more puzzling than such superfiuity. Some fine of grain, some all too rough and tough To fit the rest with closeness and congruity. To shape all well, and } am’ it firm and fast, Use no unsound, and waste no good material, And make a neat, strong job of it at las Fitted for pu and needs imperial, Was stiff to work, still work you scarce could shirk, man, So buckled to like a true British workman ! Most of your stuff’s well seasoned, some too dry— Say some folks; better than green, however ; And some that now for the time you tr Is wood unseasoned. Craftsman keen and clever, Let’s hope in this you may make no mistake ; That you may find it nor too soft nor knotty, Firm in the fibre, free from “‘ sap” and “ shake ; ”’ Of substance sound, of grain not loose or spotty, Taking the polish kindly, and not warping, Nor giving rival Joiners cause for carping. It does not look amiss, one may admit, Strong, shapely, well-squared. As for the inlaying, Perhaps that might have improved a bit, Or so some quidnune critics have been saying. | is ssongaly inartistic, Facetious Youth. ‘‘Tae FAcT 18, GRANDMA, THEY ’RE ALL GOING TO BE VACCINATED AFTER Supper!” ’Tis hard to please all! If it stand and hold, And bide the stress of heat and changing weather, The world will own this Craftsman old yet bold Has not ry om his cunning altogether. The Cabinet shows well, there’s no denial But, WIL. my lad, remember it’s on trial. HOUSE DECORATION.—* QUOD EDIS EDE.” (From Mr. Punch’s Lectures thereon.) Take six pounds of red paint, a pail of whitewash, and an old hearth-broom. Thus provided, commence your O. y the whitewash freely on the upper portion of the wall, reaching as high as you can, and bearing in mind, if it looks patchy, that a flat tone Now begin with your red. If you can’t get the depth very uniform, remember that the line of beauty is never a straight one. Having gone up and down the staircase and — = the rooms armed with this reflection, you can begin your urnishing. Don't have a carpet in the house, but rely solely on fresh straw. Nothing is sweeter, and you can always command a plentiful supply from empty Co-operative Store cases. Friends, on calling, will probably not come in as soon as they notice this. You, therefure, need not have that modern abomination, an iron umbrella-stand, in the hall. Nor, indeed, anything else. ek ’ If you_possess a drawing-room full of early Victorian furniture, knock off its hideous excrescences with the meat-chopper. This will give it quite a Chipping-dale look. Don’t forget that old things are the rage. Chairs going to pieces will serve your purpose. If anybody does call and proposes to stay, say, good-humouredly, ** Come, I won’t have my old furniture sat by you.” Don’t buy china. Account for its absence by the remark that you are not going to let handsome things ‘‘ go to wall.” If you feel you must have a few plates, cut them out of back numbers of the Graphic. Better still—decorate your walls yourself. You can do this most effectively with a burnt walking-stick. If hard up for a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 8, 1880.

A <a « <a iat

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Thr Tf" CABINET-MAKING.,. Heap Carpenter. “I HOPE YOUR MAJESTY LIKES THE NEW CABINET. IT’S BEEN HARD WORK—SUCH A QUANTITY OF MATERIAL!” Tur Queen. “I SEE MOST OF IT IS WELL SEASONED—LET US HOPE THE NEW WOOD WILL STAND WELL!”

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May 8, 1880.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 213

subject go to the Classics. Try Virert, say, as something neat and appropriate, Dado an eas. With regard to your bed-rooms—don’t have any. This will make your house most peculiar—at the very smallest outlay. You will, by this means, accom- plish the preat end of modern artistic effort, distancing your neighbours. In fact, in the esthetic race, it will be your own fault if, after having heard Mr. Punch’s Lectures, you don’t win in a Cantor.

WHAT COMES OF OPENING CARRIAGE-DOORS ON THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAY.

UP AT ST. STEPHEN’S—DOWN AT HUGHENDEN. AS DISTINGUISHED BY A BririsuH STATESMAN OF QUALITY. (After Browning.) Now I have plenty of leisure, leisure enough and to spare. Better is this, far better, than Babylon’s bother and blare. Ah! what a life, what a life I have led for six Sessions there! Something to see, by Jove, and to hear, more pleasant at least Than Westminster's benches and babble. The eye and the ear may feast; Though I rather wish that the wind wouldn’t blow so much from the East. Aha! I dare say that wish will be echoed by poor Jomw Butt. Here I may lie on my oars, let the rival stroke try a pull ; I rather fancy he ’ll find that his hands are confoundedly full. He has raised a most thundering cry, let us see if he’ll bringin much wool. But the Country, ah, the Country—the buds and the blossoms! Why It is forty years or more since this spectacle gladdened my eye— The Woods in the early spring-time! Oh, pleasant rurali¢ ! {’ve longed for this often and often, and now I am free to fly, Just in the nick of time, to the bowers of Arcady. I really take it remarkably civil of Destiny. What of St. Stephen’s? Elections all over in April by rights, But it will be far on in May ere they muster for party fights. They ’ve a rough bit of road before them: some of ’em will pant and wheeze, Whilst I—I am doing the dolce here under Hughenden’s trees. Will they better my game, I ask you? Can they change it all at once? Not e’en at the dictate of | et ow fellow is pon but a dunce, If he really conciljates all, Wut will do most amazingly well ; But the Rads at the end of his “ tail,” if he snubs them, will rage and rebel, And swear that Midlothian programme was nought but a sham and a sell— Dear me! how exceedingly sweet these wild wood-hyacinths smell ! Won’t they just have it hot down there! Won't Cuamsertam spout and Make Granvitur’s bland lips quiver, and Harrryeton’s cold eye flash ? That Brummagem Oracle, gh, won’t be easy to daunt or to — Ah! it looks very promising now, yet how soon<it may end in smash.

;

All the Session long at St. Stephen’s, what shall you hear if you linger ? (Eh? Yes, by Jove! that’s the cuckoo. —- singer ! : Ah! apple-blossoms! how pretty | how well with the young green they mingle! : One might dream that the Dryads were dancing down there in the m-misted dingle)— , squabble, stupidity, setting one’s ears in a Till August, or ony September, the Lords and the Commons are shrill, And drowsy drudges grind on at the Parliamentary mill. Enough of the Session! I really don’t envy Magniloquent ILL. A quaintly Ere you open your eyes in London the wretched street- cries And as soon as you *re down to breakfast the letters come pouriag im; ee oes Then a must skim the news—skim-milk is scarcely so (The cream down here is delicious!) List to the Radical in O’er another Conservative whipping, another Liberal win. Then the comic paper pictures—they give it me awfully But their pillory isn’t so bad as their praise—dull, t rot! The "Fieve with its flabby support, the News with its Five Pre umns of GLapstone’s, or four of the Duke's. Then, there’s Saxispuny’s hitches to clear, or put a On a stumble of goody Starronp, a blunder of bouncing Until—oh, fickle midge-swarm!—the Mob has its idol By Midlothian outhing ded—th y Midlothian’s unctuous m ing confounded—they call it converted. They flock ol Wu's heels in procession, and he goes With tho es of use in his head—and my epigram B mnie drum, rootle the Radical ang goes the big e the ical fife,— Oh, Aura popularis ! the hollowest humbug in life! But here there is “holy calm.” No echoes of hot debate Come on the breeze, no sense of the thankless burden of ’ @ weary, weary Stetesman his lazy length reclines On‘ peaceful bank, all under the scented pines ! town is a to think of ! not the City ! 1 can seldom be choosers of holidays—more’s the pity ! Look! two-and-two fly the linnets, and there strut a couple of hes, And was that a water-wagtail that wheeled there over the rushes ? The Country for me, es How rosily down in the sun-glint the apple-blossom blushes ! Ah, yes, this . pleasanter far than St. Stephen’s an / os the lark! Pheu-pheu! that’s the | Trill-trill-trill Oh, a da ae Hughend woods,—th i t a day in en ,—-there is no sue pleasure in life!

THE DIFFERENCE OF A LETTER. (By a Disgusted Conservative.) Once we used to hear of a Cacasian policy. Now it is a Caucusian policy which seems to be in vogue.

A QUESTION OF THE DAY. TALK obent the GEorenee | bebereen an Ameteny | - a essional Cham ! ic you call the ‘* Cham- pion Bill Poster” }

Nagionat Ovornevs Norice.—W oolwich Infants Must be Paid For.

: 7 -

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214 Zz ____ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. A FAVOURITE BRAND. : . (FIRST DROP.) \\ Thursday, April 29.—Wherein dwells the essence of anything, Parliament included Martinus ScrisLervs has discoursed learnedly on essences—speculating, inter alia, wherein resided the essence of a Lord Mayor, which by often darning from silk If there be a body in which If the which Ais quintessence may be sup the House of Commons met this Speaker was named, and a Brand New one chosen, he had no wig. should be Mr. Speaker. y, it had no Speaker. or the essence of Sir Joun Curier’s fa w worsted yet remained the same stockin arliament may be presumed to be quintessentialised, it re be one part of Mr. Spzaker’s substance or accidents in to be concentrated, it should be his wig. When And when, in one act, the old It is hardly conceivable, amous stockings, g3. perhaps, how, under these conditions, there can be any Essence of Parliament. But, at least, the House of Lords met—as a H forecast of blessings to come, perhaps, hereafter, in the Lower House, in the Upper House with twenty Peers’ } = for its intermixture of sexes, the Ladies of creation being more ornamental than its B rds, Pe we mn when five of them are arrayed in the fearful and wonderful costume of mmissioners, scarlet robes cut in the taste of Gzorecz rue Fourtu, surmounted by cocked-hats in the fashion of the Regency crowning the venerable brows of Lord Ch: Lords ies, at least, to twenty Peers. ouse of Lords and Ladies—and we had a le of an e House looked all the ancellor Seiporve, the Macattum Mors, the Earl Granvitie, the Earl of Norrusroox, and Lord SypyeyY. | Lords and Ladies—beg pardon, my Ladies and Lords—met, seated in front of the Throne, and the Speak at the heels of May, not by Black Rod, the Royal Commission opening this the Tenth leading, but erless Commons—sheep wi y bright flowers, as might seem rthout « shepherd duly —dul ropriate to su arliament of Her Masesty’s reign was read, and my Lords Commissioners informed Her Masesry’s Lords and Commons, that Her Masesty would, so soon as Members of both Houses had been (Mar 8, 1880. sworn, “declare the causes of her calling this Parliament,” (somewhat superfluous, methinks). ‘‘ Meanwhile, do you, Gentle- men of the House of Commons, to the place where you wa dy dpe me ose you some proper person your Speaker. Whereupon Black Rod whipped out Com- mons, this time not at the h but close in the front, of May, it being the 29th of April. Then my Lords Commissioners retired to disrobe, the Lord Chancellor ascended the Woolsack, Garter King-at- Arms pre- sented the Roll of the s Temporal,— upper-crust, of course, uppermost,—and, my Lords to swear—a yang Sey sel- dom do in that decorous Chamber. Con- sidering the complexion of the new House of Commons, their Lordships, as Conserva- tives, may be oned for swearing. But it was the first night of the New Par- liament. Time bri about its revenges in this Olympian abode too, where things lordly heads “alter, as they alteration find,” y oo » as ration find,” and the Peers’ Ministerial Bench receives new tenants. ; Punch bids them welcome, and wishes them a good time. Then to our faithful Commons—as yet inchoate and woe wy bey and gelatin- ous—like a lobster that has just changed its shell, and has not put on new hardness. Pretty, as Mr. Pepys would say, to see Mem- bers changing their sides, and looking about for new perches. Methought the difficulty of finding seats was over. Yet here it is again. Some evidently at a loss—some ready to slip in anywhere. The Liberals in a difficulty, having more Members than seats. The Conservatives uneasy, with seats to let, and no Members to take them. Home- Rulers divided. Snaw’s brigade took up a song pee ae Ministerial side. The Member for Meath’s tail coiled itself away among the Conservatives, who evidently sh from the contact. Will they christen the intruders ‘‘ Parnety’s Hermits” ? The choice of a Speaker is the first Act of Commons’ re-incarnation; and there was no — as to the re-election of the Right onourable Henry Branp—theright Brand all one not to be improved upon! The Gladstonian bread of Sir Tomas Dyxe ACLAND , and the cultured and vi tism of Sir Parr pE Mapas Grey-Ecerton seconded him. It is the cheese that two weighty County Members—a Liberal and Tory—should join in this act. Sir Toomasis best Devonshire; and Sir Puriip is eminently the cheese, old Cheshire of the richest, choicest, and soundest quality. No voice was raised in opposition. Mr, Brann humbly submitted himself to the pleasure of the House. Mr. O'DowwELL gave him the blessing of ‘a third party.” May that third y's pec Ray es gh Ty in , CAVENDISH, in the absence of the heads of Her Majesty’s Government, and Sir Srar- rorD Nortucore, in his new of the head of Her Majesty’s Opposition, in which he came up smiling, joined fraternal hands in blessing over the head of the rand-new-old SPEAKER. May his shadow never be greater. For last night there was no at all; all was sunlight and couleur de rose. : _ May this first night’s harmony be auspi- cious—the ina tion of a monious Session, in which the Jingo shall lie down with the Cosmopolite the man shall play with the a Sooo and claws. Friday.— Her Com- mission, put the Masesty Royal Seal of her Royal Commis-

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Mar 8, 1880.] received the Royal Benediction, and claimed the ancient and undoubted rights and privileges of the Commons. These Her Maszsty, by the Logp Cuan- CELLOR, confirmed. Then the Commons retired, Mr. SPEAKER leading his flock, like an Eastern shepherd. Then, to my Lords swearing, enter Lord BEACONSFIELD; and, falling into the humour of it, swore too. “So they ’re all swearing, swear, swear, swearing ; They ’re all swearing, in the Lords’ House at Home!”’ Lord BEACONSFIELD was observed to shake i SELBORNE with special cordiality. Soin the good old days of the P. R. the fighting men used always to shake hands before setting to. (Commons.)—Met at two, to present their new Speaker to the Lords. And then when they caine back, having, we suppose, caught the trick from the Upper House, the Com- mons began to swear, and were still swear- ing when Punch last heard of them! THE MYSTERIOUS VISITOR. (A Romance of the Latest Ministerial Movements.) Tue crisis had arrived. Lord Hanrt- ineton had called upon Lord GRranvILiz, Sir Witt1am Hanrcovrr had visited Mr. Brieut, and Mr. Forster had waited upon the Duke of Ancyt1. The Earl of Nortu- BROOK had been in frequent communication with Mr. Curipers, and Lord WoLvEeRton had been here, there, and everywhere, But, of course, the centre of attraction was the “long unlovely street,” in which the new Premier was doing his utmost to entertain right worthily a swift succession of Royal Messengers from Windsor. Day and night the desirable family mansion was watched by an enthusiastic crowd, who cheered every fresh arrival, every new departure. As night approached the patient throng eagerly purchased the my | editions of the evening papers, and then first it was that a sentiment of surprise, not to say of dis- appointment, might have been felt to cir- culate through the crowd. It had been observed that amongst the many distin- guished personages seeking admittance to the private residence of the Premier Elect, had been a youth whose features were un- known to fame. This young person, with all the fire, en , and determination of early . been seen morning, noon, and night on the door-steps, Now he had followed Lord Hartrnerton into the hall; then he had been ushered in almost arm-in-arm with Lord Wotverton; and he had constituted himself a Volunteer Member of the suite of the Duke of AncrLt. ““Who was he? What had he come for?” were the questions muttered by the impa- tient crowd; and the evening papers, in- stead of satisfying the na’ curiosity of the public, had provokingly ignored him. They were silent about his claims to a Par- liamentary Under-Secretaryship; they did not even reveal his name. “Here again?” angrily exclaimed the faithful hall-porter, as this persistent youth presented himself for at least the twentieth time at the Harley Street portals. * Yes. and I tell you I must see him!” returned the intruder, with gentle but persistent firmness. ‘‘Iam come wu a matter, as I may say, of life and death. You can put me somewhere, until he is ready to see me. I can wait.” _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _ sion on Mr. Speaker, who attended ona | STANDING NO NONSENSE. *Arry. “Paew !%—(the weather was warm, and they had walked over from 'Ammersmith)— ‘Brine Us A Borris o’ CaampaGneg, WAITER.” Waiter. *‘ Yxessrn—Dary, Sin?” ’Arry (aughtily, to put a stop to this familiarity at once). Never YOU MIND WHETHER wE ’nez Day OR WHETHER WE AIN'T |—BRING THE WINE!” *“* Pat you somewhere ?” repeated the door-opener, in a tone of impatience. ‘' Where can I put you? The is quite full. The Duke is in the ——_e having a late lunch ; Lord Harrmverow is taking tea in the drawing-room ; Lord Wotvexton is discussing a sandwich in the study; a the Royal M r from Windsor is —” f But before the sentence could be finished, the young visitor had darted away up a stair- case, down a passage, through a conservatory, into a well-furnished library. : * The new Premier, I believe?” he murmured, gasping for breath after his recent exertion. “* Yes,” was the reply. ‘ But I do not know you. Why this intrusion *” : “Call it not intrusion, Right Honourable Sir!” exclaimed the youth, bowing to the ground. ‘The result of my visit will be of immense benefit to the human race.” “You are not the representative of an oppressed nationality?” said the Premier, glancing at his interviewer's well-brushed hat and well-cut clothes with admiration not

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216 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 8, 1880, a UMM AN A , A DOMESTIC TRAGEDY. On returning from the Theatre, the Thompsons find their Housemaid in great distress, with her Arm bound up in her Apron. Mrs. Thompson, “‘ WHAT 18 THE MATTER, ANN ! Ann, “ W-W-w-worst THAN THAT, Ma’am !”’ Mrs. Thompson. ‘‘ Nor soxmw your Arm, I Tavust!” Ann. *‘ W-wW-worsk THAN THAT !”’ Mrs, Thompson. ‘‘ Goop Heavens !—waHarT 1s 17?” Cook. *‘ Tae Fact 1s, Ma’aM, THE sILLY GIRL HAS BEEN TRYIN’ ON YOUR NEW BRACELET, AND NONE OF US KNOWs BOW To Ger rr Orr aGarIN!” HAVE You nuRT your Hanp?” WHAT IS EXPECTED OF THE / NEW MINISTRY. Lil To re-arran ‘ / { i j i) 7 7 / ge Easter. ! f Hf Wf | To revolutionise the spelling of the bf H | coe Language. j j Ha | o regulate and control the passion eemes | ////// for Athleticism, and to settle a uni- / / ‘ff{' | form code of laws for Athletic Sports. 4) / | To grapple with the multiform f | miseries, vexations, and difficulties /which now beset the relations be- |tween Master and Mistress and | Domestic Servants. | ~To satisfy all the parties concerned | in the great question of Stores v. Shope. To put down Intoxication. |_ To lighten the labours of Raral a Postmen y Capers ag the Treasury ! | to supply them with Bicycles out of ) | the Publie Funds. wu. | To reduce the National Debt (after a while) to an inconsiderable amount. To abolish the Income-Tax. To bring down the Price of But- chers’-Meat, Fish, Poultry, and other | articles of daily consumption. To encourage the Manufacture of Irish Poplin. | To reduce the Estimates several Millions yearly. To subsidise the Coffee Taverns. To perfect electric lighting. | ‘Tothrow open Lincoln’s Inn Fields, | To stay the erection of a certain \ statue in Westminster Abbey. ™ | ‘To prevent trichinosis in pork. Ne | To appoint a Commission of In- \ | quiry into Artists’ pigments. == | To free St. Paul’s, and open the == | National Gallery all the year round. | To make deceased wives’ sisters | happy. sides such simple affairs as Ex- tension of the County Franchise, Re- distribution of Seats, Government of London, Local Taxation, Foreign Affairs, Finance, Ballot Laws, Bank- |ruptey Laws, burial Laws, Game Laws, Liquor Laws, and the pacifi- cation and contentment of Ireland. ss | An ABANDONED TEETOTALLER. — A Bohe(a)mian. unmixed with curiosity. “You have not the appearance of a Bulgarian or a Greek ?” ‘* You go to Downing Street ?” the young man asked abruptly. “The news is public property,” affably replied the First Lord of the Treasury. “ At the same time I would not advise you, speak- ing conscientiously and with that profound sense of earnest respon- sibility which becomes a man, no less than a Minister, to base upon that fact any hope of preferment. The Cabinet is complete, and it would be impossible to offer you——” ** He does go to Downing Street!” murmured the youth in a tone of eestasy, ere he continued, ‘‘ but you had looked forward to a happy life in this noble, this desirable family mansion for many months—perchance years ?” “Certainly the change of residence—sosudden and unexpected— &: comes upon me with the effect of a surprise,” admitted the Chancellor ; of the Exchequer with a smile. ‘‘And now I must pray of you to withdraw. The Royal Messenger from Windsor has a special claim upon my leisure.” ‘But one word,” isted the youth, positively shivering with excitement ; “‘ you will not leave these well-proportioned walls to A | solitude? This house must not become a desert! ’ “a “ Sir!” returned the Statesman, with hauteur, “my domestic arrangements are still incomplete.” “Then make me supremely happy,’’ cried the youth, falling upon | his knees, “‘ grant me a boon!” | ‘*A boon!” exclaimed the astonished Premier. | Sir, and what do you want?” | “It is my mission to find homes for those who seek them, tempo- | rary or permanent, by the season or the year, or even the term of “Who are you, years. Ima word, I am a house-agent. May I be permitted to put this magnificently appointed mansion upon our books?” A few minutes later the young man was hurrying down Harley Street in a condition of the wildest excitement. It was noticed, by those who observed him, that his eyes were full of grateful tears, and that his face was lighted up with an expression of happiness almost beyond humanity. The Hardly-used Kelt. InsprRrep by tenderness towards living things, Correspondents of the Times have been complaining that anglers in the Dee, the Tweed and other Scotch Salmon Rivers, for the pu of landing the Kelts they catch, employ the painful method of *‘ gaffing,” that is, clicking them with a sharp hook. Angling may perha s be so practised as to deserve the name of ‘‘ the gentle craft,” although in the hands of fishermen accustomed to gaff Kelts it seems but a rough- ish sport. Gaffing is, certainly, a practice which somewhat reminds us of what Vrrer.’s Prophetess saw in the infernal regions— ** Vidi et crudeles dantem Salmonea pcenas.”’ Still, if it be the only way to keep a hold on your Kelt when you have caught him, your Kelt may be excused; yet we should be sorry to come to it in Ireland. A HAPPY RETURN. Mr. Apam has been reinstalled in his former office, the First Commissionership of Works. ApAm’s friends may now om Apam on his restoration to his official Paradise in Whitehall Place. 4 To OCoznasronpunts.—The Bditor does not hold hi:nself douad to ac knowledge, stamped and directed envelope. return, er pay for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a fois should be kept

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May 15, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 217 n= “SEMPER PARATA.” The Doctor’s Daughter. “‘ JaN&T, ARE YOU NEVER GOING TO LEAVE OFF THAT ” UNBECOMING OLD Bonnet ? Aged Villager. ‘*‘ Wess, Misa, I’ve wore it yor Tarrty YEARS, AND THE Vicar says I Ma¥ BE TOOK any Hour!” HOMAGE TO BEACONSFIELD 4 LA RUSSE. igs to ert aad received the Sowing direct from Russia. mera aoe int , he. peters * of Her advent er ter Mtno aot hae een -” “ Moscow, April 18-30¢h, 1880. “ CEREMONIAL of as advent His Honour’s the before prime Minister of Scotland Troland and Indian ith of breaked “6. When His Honour will go to sleep, then for windows Her must to mest all the workmans of Moscow's butcher's market li the who wish with her woman and children and to congratulate His Honour with the concert of saucepans, copper scales etc. From time to time all “6. Before the startin He Honour from Moscow most be executed the rules 1 and 2 of this ceremonial.”’ IMAGINARY CONVERSATION, Tory Brewer. The Conservatives are showing their mettle at Oxford. Inberal Do. Yes—base metal—though with the Hall- mark on it, A JAPANESE FIRE ASSOCIATION, Mr. Ponca, Sr, ALTHOUGH we, most of us, pretty generally well understand that Orvitiantion has been of late years considerable on the Advance in , the British Industrious classes ain’t, p’raps, quite apesther fa y aware of the len, our Japanee AF tons has gone ahead of ourselves in the steps of Progress. A Japanese newspaper, the Tokio Times, informs them it may concern as how— “Here is a vast city, online a million of inhabitants, all peculiarly | P exposed to the extreme and without a solitary steam-machine in use or existence—with hardly ote Scions hand-engine at command.” Now, if I was a readin the Above out in Company, of course fee's ela, & and cry of “‘Ha! ha! is that you call : anes progress But I should say just you wait and ear what ollows :— ae | 3 - an historical fact that during a conflagration in 1873, a steam- engine, brought to Japan on speculation, was put into o m with a success that showed how easily a dozen such could keep the City permanently free from peril.’ So there, you see it ain’t for want of peliidge the ' the tte 10 people remains uni ded with steam fire-engines 0; and see, mark, learn and innerdly disgust the 4%... ~ “Tn less than a week after the triumph upon which he had been congratulating himself, the exhibitor found it desirable to leave the with his machine, which was ayn | re-shipped to America. The ex- periment has never been repeated, and why? tae the firemen will not — it. There is no other answer, and none is offered.” nor none Wanted. The firemen gets their livin by the fires. It’s ie work. Steam fire-engines would make short work of it. The Shorter the work the Smaller the Pay. Very well, then. Wot’s the Firemen to do? Wy, to be sure, make the Land they lives in too Ot to old Speculators bringing fire-machines to take the Bread out of their mouths. And that they dooes; and ’tis the fact of their doin of it without bein liabel to Punisht for usin the Necessairy M as I considers the Japances’ Point of Ad- wancement in Social Brogross. The Tokio Times, is, no doubt, an of ital agin as it winds up with the followin Tiranical observation :— “ Until the Firemen of Tokio are disbanded, their organisation broken, and their leaders rendered incapable of further conspiracies omias the security of a toe at large, no genuine protection will be possible.’’ wil Genuine Protection will be perfectly ible. orkin Men. That’s genuine Protection. Pay the Le cot it worth their while usin steam fire-engines so as to put out as soon as Possible and prewent ’em rag 4 ing. Pay’em as I once heer’d a proposal $e gay Doct Sanen gat Exeiage they apres you from and not pectesias to op many Visits they pays you, and the Lot of Fissick they mak ou caaiies. Pa roms for Results. ape haa t yet got to that Polish. no more ain't we. More’ s the hy, A LS mh suppose you ‘exactly approove Foregoin but p’raps you won deny wot there’ 9 in come on it—leastways the [otter ‘otion—which, therefore, remain, ’ Consisten ew se hemp Union, at name itis Wry: Purrrman. about the amount of prowision the 3 to the Widders and Orfans of sitch Firemen as loses their Lives in the Preformance of their Dooty? It shouldn’t be no mean Pityance, but the Ansomer , Vi the Community at large Genuine Tue Forvre 1s alt its Moops or Humaniranranism (Fine Prospect for a Reforming Liberal Majority).—Positiviem, Teeto- talism, V Socialism, Communism, Fraternity,?, Free Love, and*Phonetic Spelling. VOL, LXXVIII, v it

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i | j [ elit: i hi ) ! ' Ney iH FASHION. CHARIVARI

LONDON THE OR & = & a = = oe 2 ) me 3 a < <7) 8 Fe 3 a et - 4 te & = PUNCH, PoRsvurTs, AND AS MUCH AS THEY COULD oF THE GaRB, OF THE JotLY Sussex FISHERS. Wars,

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Bustness END oF THe TowN, THAT THEY ADOPTED THE CURSUITS, AND AS MUOH AS THEY COULD oF THE GaRB, OF THE JoLLY Sussex FISHERS. RLS WERE SO FASCINATED WITH THE Wars, P At Easter, SmrrHson Took nis Famity To Hastryes vor a FortTNIGHT, AND THE Gr ae — — Mar 15, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 219 PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. —F Siz Z PS Z§ Sx A UA. "ee = = } i Lhd UL THE NEW “COCK OF THE WALK” FOR CONSTANTINOPLE. Na. Avaxaxzen Baxmuwonn Hoes bee eapte’ no wit 2 pistes and asks leave to say instead of swear, ‘‘as a person by law permitted of Parliament this week as a “‘ Half- ick.” “ of | to make a solemn affirmation or declaration instead of an oath.” Half-hatched Chick” is not a pleasant idea. But Essence of Over- (Tableau! Sensation! Curtain! Exit Ma. Brapiaven for hatched Chick is worse. is the essence which, in old times, the rest of the Act. used to be freely bestowed on culprits in the pi is Mr, Brapiaven being a legal Ulysses, conversant with the minds now. coonlanall ni administered to un i and manners of many courts end judges, says he has many times, platiorm. At all events, the Half- Chick has since 1870, been admitted to affirm instead of swearing. He asks this week, i to Mr, Srzaxen’s leave to do so in the House of Law as in the Courts seems, just of Justice. i Mr. Spzaxer having his doubts handed them over to the House. Lord F. Cavenvisn, treading in the path of Parliamentary Pro- cedure, which— : a ; J il ie ai it “slowly broadens down From Precedent to Precedent.” not adventure on the hi as Highest Branch of the Legisla- | as the Laureate has sai , moved that the House, following the ing it. — left in the times of Quaker Puasz and Hebrew Roruscui.p, i f : i iF ip if z ture for qneeting 5 tracks (Commons.)—To Members merrily swearing enter Mr. Brapiaven, | should appoint a Select Committee to sit on Mr. BrapLaven’s case.

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220 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 15, 1880, ® t }) \) | \; = ; a i mr 1 Hy] ! | ) | m A \ B.} = ! == \ — Hi == \ ; \j ) \ | ( AUF ay iN \ i We IN ~ \\ QV \\ —= WY =i _ SS SN THE OLD AND THE NEW. Master Freddy (from Eton), ‘‘ Waat Lots of Exeney you've cot, GranppaPA !” Grandpapa. *‘ Pretty wel, M¥ Boy, FoR my Time or Lire.” Master Freddy (languwidly). ‘‘ Om, SUT ENERGY’s BUCH AWr’ty Bap Form, you KNow!” Sir Starrorp Nortucore seconded the Motion. Mr. Wurrsread weightily reminded the House that it was dealing with a weigh which might affect the tenure of more than a seat in that House, ¢.g., a seat on the Mr. Greeory felt a seruple whether this mixing 57 of questions as to and Parlia- mentary Oaths and Affirmations might not somehow bring the House within whiff and wind of the Law Courts, to which, as an attorney—we beg pardon—a family solicitor, he may be presumed to have an objection. Karl Percy, as representative of the high lineage of the Smrrusons, and Sir H. Wotrr, as representative of the still higher lineage of the Children of Israel, having a natural aversion to the Proletarian and Latitudinarian representative of the Northampton sutors, who have soared so far beyond their last, in their present, representatives, moved and seconded the adjournment of the House, at least till they could see the Motion in black and white, and discover whether they liked it any better in print than in Lord Freperick’s mouth and the Clerk at the Table’s Manuscript. Sir C. Drtxe and Mr. Waxpoir deprecated delay, in the teeth of WoLrr. Mr. Beresrorp Hops said the House was only a half-hatched chicken, so had no right matter, oolsack. to be wholly chicken- a mine HAD been sprung upon it. Pg wy the Percy and the Wotrr having done their utmost to divide the House, and e eir Motion be negatived without a division, and the House set to again for a swear.” Then, oy way of getting Braptaven off the brain, several Orders were agreed to, several new Writs were issued for seats emptied by Office, and two for seats emptied by death ; and Notices of Motion were given— By Sir H. Drummowp Woirr—second cry of Wo.rr this Session—to call attention to our Treaty obligations towards Turkey. By Mr. Monean Laoyrp, for a Bill to Prevent Canvassing. don’t you wish you may get it ?) ; By Mr. Mclven, to call attention to the operation of Free Trade on Manufactures and Ageetinns in Ireland, and to move a Resolution. (What can move Mr. Mélven’s Resolution, who has still the courage of his belief in Protection ) ; And by Sir WILFRID, to move a Resolution in favour of Local Option. (My dear Morcan Lioyvn, with the sign of ‘“‘No Canvass,” as the veriest hobby-horse that was ever trotted out on the Westminster Course. Wednesday.—More parading of hobby- horses. Mr. So apes on Agricultural Hold- ings; Mr. Pirmsotz, on Grain Cargoes; and Mr. Ricwarp, on Disarmament. The animals were not much admired, and their well-known points did not for much remark—or, at least, did not provoke any beyond the familiar, ‘‘Ah! the old story!’ A squabble over the nomination of the Bradlaugh Committee, of which Lord R. Grosvenor brought down a list including all shades of opinion and legal lore, from the mild wisdom of Watpoxe to the per- fervid genius of Cuapiin, and from the nderous erudition of HoKer to the legal iveliness of Hopwoop, and all ingredients of British blood, from the solid John Bull- it-headedness of Massry, to the Welsh warmth of Watkin Wituiams, and the Irish fire of Captain Notan. On Monday more names, said Lord Ricwarp, would be added, if their bearers were by that time housed, as it was to be napee would be. ir H. D. Wotrr,as champion of ortho- doxy, had opened the ball, or rather the fire, by announcing his intention of opposin the nomination of the Committee when an by whomsoever moved. Hereupon a lively little teacup-tempest was stirred fae the question whether a Motion could be made to add names without notice of names given; Messrs. Gorst and Catan, Ritcurgand McCuitacu ToRRENs, bringing their small tea-spoons to Sir H. Draummonp Wotrr’s big gravy ditto. The Speaker being referred to, said no doubt the rule was that Notice of Names should be given, but the House might dis- pense with it; and Lord F. CavenDIsH, as Deus ex machind, ested that Lord Ricwarp had better keep his Notice of Names till Monday, and move the Com- — the day a caesar ere is a mighty craning a an Imaginary fence. It is a mere of ** Wolff ”—not serious. The House swallowed too many camels, Quakers and Separatists, Moravians and Jews, Latitudinarians, and Platitudinarians, Unitarians and Humani- tarians, Anythingarians, and Nothing- arians, to be now straining over such a gnat as poor Mr. BrapLaven, natural representative of the Northampton Shoe - makers, who object to the Immortality of the Sole, and spell the word indifferently with and without a “ua” and an “‘e.” The time has surely passed when the House should seek shelter against objection- able beliefs or unbeliefs behind such delu- sive defences as oaths and tests. ‘‘ Let the swearers swear, and the sayers say,” the Law has proclaimed, for all Courts. Why, then, not for the High Court of Parliament the Court of Courts—th — e@ very conduit and fountain-head of Law ? Let us that the Commons’ will be enabled so to the troubled Wourr to lie down with that brace of little ewe lambs—Brapiaven and Lasovenere! It is surely enough that Northampton has made a Member of Mr. Brapiaven, without the House making a m of him—and, as such, a much more ent and important person. A BRIGHT IDEA FROM PRACTICAL LANCA- In shorter words, enter three M.P.’s on three hobby-horses—pawant, prancant ! ow _N.B.—Mr. Morean Luorp’s is not a hobby-horse, but a Welsh pony, a very different| How to get the most sone New animal, though as little likely to come to the halfway-house on the to Purity of Election, ' Parliament. Put it on Work.

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wet @reO tl Frwy. @ vu = May 15, 1880. } PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 221 ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE. Srconp VIsIT. (By “ Private View,” of the R.A. Volunteer Corps.) No.4. The Dean's Daugh- ter. G. F. Warts, R.A. Which of Dean’s daugh- ters ? or Jeanne? Observe the background. dayne bag pickets to some it be ould in Ainetion S60 & oe back.” 1L. son pas W. Erle, JAMES anw?, R.A. Little with ddle, ora with a Kit. ‘‘Simall and No. 16. The Olive. with basket of olives, look- — has eviden’ itis * = acquired taste,” and the naturally follows the Olive. Happ thought this—the Vine, after giving us the Olive as a ‘54 Casseeen, vine gicture, th, No. 27. Mrs. Arthur G. E. Hices. Semi-grand. No. 37. Old Houses at Godalming. James E. Grace. ‘* Here Nature smiling shows the winning Grace.” Pretty place for a river-bank holiday. No. 39. The Finishing Touch. W. F. Yeames, R.A. Green- room at private theatri in the Theatre Royal Backdrawing-room, South Kensington (late Brompton). The piece has been got-up economically, as they ’ve evidently made their own dresses, have dispensed with the services of Natman, the costumier, and Crark- SON, the Tene touch of Nature” which is not to be found among Amateurs. What on earth is the piece they ’re playing ? z _ No, 40. Children of a Larger Growth—or, Elderly Babies build- ing Castles in the Air with the contents of a superior Box of Bricks. Frank DIcKser. No. 58. Tenby Fisherwoman. W.P. Frrra, R.A. Uneommonly fine prawns this morning. If this is a specimen of the Fisherwomen generally at Tenby, apartments for single gentlemen must be ata premium, She has caught her prawns, and now she’s fishing for compliments. Ten buy! fifteen buy! twenty by! any number buy —but don’t be caught, like the shrimn , or you "ll get into hot water. No. 65. Family Affection. H. W. B. Davis, R.A. Much better have called it ‘‘ Animal Magnetism.” Charming effect of sunlight on Mr. Davis's calf. No. 73. Discontented With Her Lot. Tuomas Farp, R.A. Girl, in an evident ill-humour, with a kitten in her arms, which she is unconsciously tormenting. No. 87. Late for Church. G. A. Srorey, A. ‘‘ Late for Church ; or, So the Storey Goes,” is the entire title. This represents a young Lady, first-cousin to little S wn, with anything but a Common Prayer-Book under her arm, at the door of a church, as I suppose ; but wherever she may be bound for, the book is evidently bound for chureh. Notice the book-markers: though she is late, her places a ae My reading of the Storey is that this is the portrait of a Lady-Help, and ought to have been entitled “‘ Going into Service.” No. 83. Plenty of Room in the Stalls, Wri11am part. [N.B. —The reader is i ly requested to carefully yey the title here given with the one in Academy Guide, and then to study the picture closely and decide which is the more appropriate. ] No. 63. Master Wilke Gabrielk. G. Gasnterti. ** Do not for- ag) wy Gabrielle!” as they used _to sing in “‘ Vive Henri Quatre” in old gleeful days of Evans's. Notice the remarkable room, with remarkable pe i floor. Master WILLae is seated on a stool; but what is the stool on? On nothing, for what should be carpet is part of the dicular wall. So WILLIz’s on nothing, or nil, Poor Willie y 0. 102. Watching the Skittle- Players. Rosent Bakeert Brownine. ‘‘ Watching the Knife-and-Fork-Players,” as the rruquier and “maker-up.” The finishing touch wanted is| and portrait of this pig-headed Baconian philosopher is just close to the entrance into the refreshment department of the Academy — “ Whence, about midday, is wafted a fume.” as Simon the Cellarer sings. Pig and Brownie are as naturally associated as Pork and Crackling. No, 122. A Delightfully — Family Party; or, ** As Merry as Greggs.” Joun Perrie, R.A. Of course these children are not Pettie’d and spoilt. ‘‘ Take us as you find us,” said the Lady to the Artist. ‘ We're always in some attitude or other. It comes natural.” And he did so. AN ACTRESS WORTH SEEING. ever of such vegetation to time the Lord Chamberlain put his veto om lish Sate of the ee ts his bey bed me Dame aux Caméhas. is key had never worse os - the bolt bet such 3- sickening rubbish, ri Public ve every anew bee w Mr. Montrwer’s Heart's Ease, a version SS lee Se Hicensed—whether the Lord Cham- required resources of face voice command of —— the istakeable stamp and -breeding. e is old enough to be mis- tress of her gifts, which no very young actress can be, and yet yo h to invest any part she plays with all feminine charms look, ‘voice, most musical even in its broken English. So much is certain already ; though this accomplished Artist has as yet had only one string to play upon, and that a string which note, out of tune with all truth of life passion—at as lish folk feel it. But Madame MopJseska shows us m a fine and finished actress can do to make even this discordant string discourse sweet and delicate music. Punch has seen no woman’s performance of recent times, Miss TrRry’s excepted, ing such keenness of womanly sensibility, such grace, finesse, and ——e as Madame Mopseska’s in the scenes with her lover in the First and Second Acts, with her lover’s father in the Third, again in the scene where she is insulted and spurned by her lover in the Fourth, and in the protracted dying scenes of the last. Her death, coming, as it did, after all that tedious g on the same discordant string, was most touching, and the smile on her dying lips a to remember. With a limited gamut to run of impossible unselfishness and inconceivable self- sacrifice, diluted in the melted butter of sickly sentiment, she contrived, even with nothing better than this mawkish mixture to set before her audience, to always interesting, and at moments intensely pathetic and passionate. We can conceive no oy = proof of the actress’s power. A much pleasanter one would SS oe of a — more worthy of her ability. We have great things of her Cleopatra and her Juliet. Could she not find a stage for adequate presentment of either, or, better still, both, in London before she leaves us ? The United States may be , at one and the same moment, London should have two Transatlantic reputations so justifyi ves as Miss Gewevizve Waxn’s and Madame opsesKa’s; and two Transatlantic pieces in such full run of Spe a and prosperity as The Old Love and the New, at the rince of Wales’s, and 7he Danites, at Sadler’s Wells. PUNCH’S ADVICE TO EARL COWPER. Be he wants to be papier Sanne pagans bee an & Oe his Kentish seat, set up a “* Rattling Court” in Dublin. A New Device ror tHe Frencn Rerveric (By a Jesuit).— * Liberty, Equality, and no Fraternity.”

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ht \ \@ ae HONOUR WHERE HONOUR PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. tr ; \ "] baht i iS DUE. Sir Gorgius Midas (who has not been made a Peer). ‘‘ WHY, IT’S ENOUGH TO MAKE A Man TURN JADICAL, ’ANGED IF IT AIN’T, TO THINK OF si0H SERVICES AS MINE BEIN’ REWARDED WITH NO ’IGHER TITLE THAN WHAT ’S BESTOWED ON A HEMINENT SAWBONES, OR A Hoxcraweer, on a Litrexy Man, OR EVEN A sUcoEssFUL HartistT !”’ Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns (sympathetically), ‘‘ lt DOES 8EEM HARD! MAN OF YouR STAMP NEED EVER DESPAIR OF A PerRacE !” Bur You ’vE ONLY TO BIDE YOUR TIME, Sir Gororvs. No [And Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns is, as usual, quite right, “ SUAVITER IN MODO.” Bismarck. Well, GRaNvILuE, mon cher, back again, after all! Granville, As you see, my dear Prince—at my Countrymen’s call. Bismarck. What a change ! Granville. Which, however, I trust won’t affect Our relations of mutual love and respect. — _Oh, that goes without saying. But—well, what’s your ine ? Granville, The straightest is shortest. Bismarck. To a voyage en zig-zag f Granville. Oh yes, for a stroll ; But hardly when aiming at policy’s goal. Directness and frankness you like. You do not incline Bismarck. They are treasures ! Do I then understand you’ve changed men and not measures ? Granville. Ahem! That’s a little bit absolute. Bismarck, True. But,—well, what the deuce are you going to do ? Maintain your position, or—— Granville. Pardon me, Prince, That “‘ or” is a little superfluous, since There can be no alternative, seeing we’re not A mere pouvoir fini, Folks have said what is not Who have said that the Liberal Party in place meant A shop-keeping pro e and Yond s effacement ; That ’s mere party blague, my dear Prince. Bismarck. Oh, of course. Granville. We intend to stand firm, but not ride the high horse. Vous comprenez ? Ithink so. ‘‘ Hands off!” ? Bismarck. Granville, To oppression. But that don’t mean reversal, or mad retrogression. Bismarck. Changed motif combining with clear continuity Will tax e’en a GRANVILLE. Granville. Means more in congruity With ends we ne’er cheliengee is all we shall try. Bismarck. And how about “‘ England’s Ascendency ” ? Granville (smiling). To quibble o’er terms were a trifle absurd ; But I think I may say we shall not use that word. hy, OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. At the Alhambra—The Folly—The Danites at Sadler’s Wells— Burlesque at Olympic—An Operatic Line. La Fille du Tambour Major is a genuine Comic Opera, well sung, well acted, and admirably mounted. There is nothing very new either in the music, or in the idea of the story, but the one is taking and tuneful, and the other is sufficiently interesting ; the contrast of character is marked, the situations are dramatic, the business of the scene is lively and preg the action never flags for a second, and the coup d’ cil is strikingly brilliant. Mr. Frep Lesre is capital as the short-sighted Duke ; but for a tendency to mp apy his performance would be the funniest thing I’ve seen for a considerable time. As it is, it is immensely amusing, and a critic in the Stalls at the Alhambra must remember that critics in that lofty gallery have to be pleased as well as him- self. Miniature painting in the make-up, and “ little touches ”’ of character in the acting, will go for very little here with the 1 public ; while anything like amateurishness, which can be ted in operatic entertainments of a more burlesque t in a smaller house, would be at once detected here, and be fatal to the Artist’s success. Therefore, too, Miss Fanny Leste must be pardoned for overdoing the Drummer, and, this allowance pean mete it only remains to be added that'her little Griolet is full of life and energy,

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A “4 4 : sis 9 SHAD A ee OF: / tall te mg I ee eg FO EF, LM a m . y 4 “- -—— -—- VPEO rea ee ee ot O Ns ' SMM Min “eels: - a ws Pz OY SO a s a SS Se ed abe TSS N AFFAIRS ——_———— G ' 1 ~e ’ "| W/4 | R “ SUAVITER IN MODO.” Patnce B. “ BUT, I SAY, GRANVILLE,—HOW ABOUT ‘ASCENDENCY, EH?” Ear G, (blandly). “‘ WELL, PRINCE, WE SHAN’T CALL IT BY THAT NAME!” Vio veo ——S—- = ——— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 15, 1880. A Wii... / Zag Uy Mii i] Wi yy, sss 080, SSS

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Mary 15, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 225 and is enthusiastically received by the crowded audience. Mr, W. CARLETON, as Captain Robert, is a great acquisition as the tenor of comic opera. Miss Eprra Bianpe is a magnificent Vi iére, amusingly contrasted with her little lover the Drummer. Mr. Ken- LEHER’S absurd fop, Marquis Bambini, is an example of a most difficult small part artistically played; he knows exactly where te draw the line, and draws it inctly. Miss Constance Losmsy sings and plays charmingly, and is the life and soul of all the Mr. Mervin has a conventional type of soldier in the Tam Major, but he is thoroughly im earnest, and triumphs over the diffi- culties of what ought to be a most dramatic situation, but wish, unfortunately, is the most weakly-written scene of the Opera. music could not be better rendered than by the orchestral army under the baton of Field-Marshal JAconr, whom also are due the training of the Chorus and the perfect ensemble. The first four bars of the March to Which the French Army makes its grand entry for the final tableau, are, it seemed to me, note for note, the com- mencement of ‘‘’ 7was tn Trafalgar’s Bay,” which is remarkable as a coincidence. The Alhambra has seored a success, and I hope the same may be said of Mr. Toots at the Folly, with Mr. Brron’s Upper Crust, though here again there is not much novelty either in the or the characters. It is ‘‘ Old materials carefully worked up to as ood as new.” Doublechick, somp-merehant, who makes up for ropping his H’s by putting them in again when least expected, is only twin-brother to the Butterman in Our Boys—the distinction being that the latter was written for Mr. Davip James, and this is written for Mr. J. L. Tootx, who is, of course, inimitably funny in his own peculiar way. We all ery ‘‘ Hoorah!” as the song says, ‘“ When Johnny comes Marching Home.” Doublechick is like the Rich Parient in the song of “* Villikins and his Dinah.” who, Mr. Rosson used to inform us in one of his inimitable asides, was also ‘a large soap merchant,”’— He has but one daughter, an unkimmon fine young gal, Her name it is Norau, scarce eighteen year old, With a werry large fortune in siliver and gold. And then, of course, he wants to merey her to a title, and is - gling to get into what Jeames calls the “ upper suckles,” by the assistance of an impecunious nobleman, represented by Mr. Jony BrttrineTon, who might have stepped ro out of one of the pictures which illustrate the thrilling tales of the London Jowrnal or Reynolds’ s Miscellany, There is the strawberry-mark on the left arm to finish up with, in the shape of a ring on Walter Wrentmore’s finger, and the ’aughty Hearl acknowledges the nameless Horphan as his long- lost child. There is some really good writing in it which Fg for very little, some carefully-led-up-to jokes which go for double their ro and a few old friends which reeetve a “frosty but indly.”’ Mr. Tootr’s part will never be so populat @s his Toftles, hor as his Chawles. The ‘* Nameless Orphan” can’t achieve the of ‘the Bard,” and when Doublechick is not on thé stage, in the and Second Acts, there is not much to amuse us except Sir Robert Boobleton, Bart., which is capitally am by Mr. E. W. Ganpen. The absurd row at the end of the Second Aet bri down the cur- tain on a tellingly funny climax ; but the merit of the piece is that its Third Act is its liveliest, though marred by a Weak finish and an —— “tag.” Mr. Toorr’s ‘ get-up” as Doublechick is mirable. _ Lean strongly recommend all in search of atm incidents, ai murveting story and stirring ae a} go te § inthe areanel janites. e acting is very . mounting of the piece reflect the greatest eredit on hr. Hatt the Artist, and the Manageress Mrs. BaremaN. Mrs. McKee Rawxrke— it’s an awkward name—is very effective as Nancy Williams “ the last of a doomed family” (doomed is not John "s Yorkshire for eventing). and still more so when she is di as Billy Piper ; this Lady shares the success with her hus , who plays the part of Sandy, ‘* A Miner,”—not at all ina minor key. The ih fact, may be described as that of a Miner and an . Harry Hawk as Washee- Washee, the Heathen Chines, am tmevit- able type in what The Parson (Mr. W. EB. SH#ERrDAN) calls “ the glorious climate of Californy,” represents the broad comic element, and is very amusing. The Danites who have committed most of their crimes before the first rising of the oy eg: 4 before its final descent, and from what is seen and heard e verdict of the ondiqnse will certainly be ‘ ~ ’em Le oogh The janites is a growing success, and ought te draw East est to the Wells for some time to come. The scenes are based Oh Baer Harte’s sketches. By the way, why was this eminent American signalled out as the resentative of Literature generally at the Academy Dinner? Of American Literature certainly, but scareely of Literature in toto. In reply, he read his speech from a manu- script, so that, after all, as he couldn’t learn it, it wasn’t a speech by arte, At the Olympic, Mr. Brron’s latest Burlesque is not of a political character arising out of the late elections, though it might be so inferred —_ the ry =— pees his bovis , under a Li — trove a Tory for subject. r. HoLtmvesneEa) has the le uine Burlesque Company fn London, and such a tear as Misses Newire Farren, Kate Vavenan, and the two Epwarps, Terry and Royce, can’t be equalled just now anywhere. Madame Anant is singing better than ever. Her Zucia was magnificent. The one Opera ought to be doing immensely. It cer- tainly was on the Sonnambula night, when there was scarcely a seat to be had for love or money, or for Your REPREesENTATIVE. HAZY MAY. HESTNUTS and apple-trees blow in May, Pear-trees blow over cowslip and daisy, The hyacinth blows under hawthorn spray Bat the wind blows too, and the vista ’s hazy. and north-easterly airs prevail, bs bleat, bull-calves bellow, and heifers ; The tible creatures rue the gale As poets ond little pigs pine for zephyrs. though skies be little o’ercast, sun y upon thee, my Brother, 4, -\ ina eee Denes, * Nae eage day chilled another. In the blaze that pared and warms not glowing : droop and they shrink, for all their sheen, by the May breeze keenly blowing ! the fo verdure, and bloom, *~ amy and field that mingle, by an and and simoom, es up the to shard and shingle, clouds of dust in your eyes, all that it can to drive you crazy, +) > are mute, not a cuckoo cries, May is in general bleak and hazy ! Reassurance for Radicals. Ma. Coampentarn, who was until recently in a large way of business at Birmingham as a Screw-turner, has been turned into a Cabinet Minister by Mr. Grapsrone; it being considered neces- sary, for the safety of the Cabinet, that he should be “ screwed wn.” Merroporrtan Mepicat Arrections.—Congestion of the British Museum and ination to South Kensington. ee a ene

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SS ‘ ~*~ ~~ ; SS SN S\ Sv Cy u ‘mOwaU VY HOWO “uaTIrAahH WEVITIIAN € D3 #9) B070dD #,younT urea) (OSBLt “AVW) «“NOILISOddO,, “S'W'H GuvOd NO *(4oq poo’ y) *MLIKg NOLMOY PAO’'T OTDITT “NOOWENTED *AWagsrivg = ‘Cl 4YN—IUVAINVHO NOCGNOI AHL YO ‘HONDd sss00D “ATINVEg “ELOOML YON “MOVE SOT;

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1880.) (MAY, — OPPOSITION.” 4 x x io} i s a Viking ! Hicks Beach. On the old deck again ! Hicks Beach, Hark to the Hardy Norseman—a true Stanley. Oh, hang it, yes. Salisbury. What will Bew do? : i : ms ther a nuisance. Cranbrook, ‘ His attitude is striking ro Conn aber _ But unsuggestive. ces ititeheahed Salisbury. F disloy ICKS. Salisbury. ent, self-a . Hicks Beach. Stern Abdiel, no. Say, is the sun that lotely shone full-orbed You'll ne’er rat from my Lord, you love him so. To set without one final blaze of glory ¢ Smith. Shipmates are shipmates ! Northcote. That seems scarce the finale for his story. Stanley. What salt-water pith! Cross. If one could understand him—which, at present, Tis nautical or nothing now with Sura. I can’t—'twould make affairs so much more pleasant.

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| Bre 228 PUNCH, OR THE _LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 15, 1880, But to look on, and see him stand like that, Like—lik Hicks Beach. Well, say a Sphinx in a cocked hat. Cross. That’s flippant. Bat it bey one. You see It has its use, no dow a me - t fogging foes, but, w ~ 5 opE ied to ap Se ink ’tis apt to miss its ends. Smith. Keep sailing-orders dark. e— Ah! very true, From enemies ; but how about the crew ? If he had only given us the straight tip, would have saved me NorTucore many a slip. Northcote. Speak for yourself, Sir Ricnanp. co, often has it bo Come! be fair. = rik tha i ie ‘ Well,—yes,—he does run rather dark, And I snark own ‘sures Sp sovame of Derk To square accounts with him, or for him. —_ Gi-.seroms will hove his werk out out, > Northeate(muply) I only hope some. Cr Hope what ? Well—our strong point, but times are out of joint —— ! Ah! well, May cover—who ? standing there, Slt ad dulder-brwe, yet frm of fot mischief. ! To whom, I wonder? under, MISS BRADDON’S SCHOOL DAYS. ( Recommended to the School Boards of England by Mr. Punch.) M.—Breakfast Class. SERRE © Steg ast Neg & Ge Bread "und Milk Exercises. o 4, .M.—Body- Class. Examination in Athletics. ) AM Reading 11 .w.—Writing Hour. 12 woow.—Arithmetie Hour. 1 p.m. — Grand Rate snd Fork Class, under Two Standards. First Standard—Meat and Pudding Inspec- tion. Second Standard—Working out Eating Exercises. 2.30 p.m.—Reading Half-hour. 3 p.M.—Writing Half-hour. 3.30 p.m.—Arithmetic le? hour. 4 P.m.—Final ior the Day. Vivat Regina ! pS well spent, and health returned ! On the Newest Peerage. Messrs. Bayan? and May need na not for for their hoards; In safety henceforth they may tell Matech-taxin "s beneath a Lows high in the Lords— “* Ez luce,” old the “* ducellum ! ‘*Sic transit Gloria Mundi!” We have heard for some years of the Yankees hexing licked all creation, but it appears that the defeat has now produced an effect on the marketable value of that article. ~~ h owing advertise- ment lately appeared in the Exchange and M. W4rtise MONEY, will sell the mcg y as new. 15s. *| would have shown a coneeiareote loss instead of a THE RIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT LAST! Tue following correspondence has coun its way to 85, Fleet Street. As the concluding telegram will have interest for the Government just now, Mr. Punch has anal pleasure in Laren the correspondence for the information of the publie in general, Lord Hartineron in particular. Office of the Indian Pickle and Peeee Com R EAR SiR, London Branch, April, 1 sa I am desired by the new Board of. Directors to to request you to furnish them with an explanation of the fact that in your Balance Sheet for last year you have omitted to include the cost of lighting the Company’s premises. From which have hy oy A come in, it i appears that had this we ineluded among the disbursements, the Company’ 8 books I am, dear Sir, yours fai iq (Signed) C. Sensx, Secretary. Office of the Indian Pickle and Preserve Company. Dear Sr, Caleutta Branch, April, 1880. I rey to reply by return of post. The reason for the cuinion, 4% ting account is obvious. The Balance, Sheet was daylight, and the cost of artificial illumination wes not = pa A, to my mind, as it was not then necessary. Unhap- ily, as you have ve practically found out, darkness did come on, and as since continued to recur regularly. Under these circumstances a charge for gas, oil, and candles, of course, became necessary Trusting that the new Board of Direetors will be satisfied with this explanation, I remain, dear Sir, yours faithfully, (Signed) B. Heap, Manager. Telegram from C. Sunse, London, to B. Heap, Calcutta. , Neon explanation not sufficiently full. Send additional par- ticulars. Telegram from B. Heap, Calcutta, to C. SENSE, London. Have no additional particulars. Beg to Have offered services to Government. Excellent sleapedt of employment in preparation of next Indian Budget. HOME-RULE IN JERSEY. Tr is announced that a Bill has been laid before the Je States for consolidating the public debt of that island into rentes. Consolidate a national debt! Better liquidate it. DISTINCTION BETWEEN THE TWO MEMBERS FOR NORTHAMPTON. Tue one weekly presides over the Kevelations of Truth; the other strongly denies the Truth of Revelation. @® To Connmsronparts.— The Rditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or amped and derected eneclope Sor Contrivutions. In no case cam these be returned uniess accompanied by 4 should b« kat.

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May 22, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 7 =. ewe (* @ : > INS eae ey \ 7~ ) . ILLUSTRATIONS TO THE POETS. To Lady Florabella de Brabazon on her ——th Birthday. ‘6 WE SHIFT AND BEDECK AND BEDRAPE US; THOU ART NOBLE AND NUDE AND ANTIQUE.” Swinsurwe—“ Our Lady of Pain.” TWIN SCREWS: TOO LOOSE AND TOO TIGHT. Last week the Undergraduates of University College, Oxford (some eighty outrage in number), were rusticated, en masse, in consequence of an “* ” com~ mitted by 8 Say Sone ae indulged. indeed Batioars, come af tb boy ed in in pers, some of the boys, screw: Srenhel af niter ‘ens — aca oes tt gn was ore to make an the window. This was very bumptious behaviour on the part of the wicked, but not altogether unnatural wind-up of a bumip-supper, as remembers such entertainments. The names of the offenders were demanded, and as they were not given the whole College has been sent down. Thus for the sake of the silly ew, steady many have been punished. Delirant reges, plectuntur Achwi— fast men make fools of themselves, the common lot are rusticated.”” The foo! delinquents should, of course, have come forward ; but as they had not i to plead guilty, and take their punishment like men, it seems ard that three-score unoffending undergraduates should be made to pay penalty of a stupid freak perpetrated by a handful of feather-brained and chicken-hearted asses Surel above all, punishment. The Head of the College is an old school-master, which, haps, accounts for the weight with which he has come down on his “ children of a growth.” for Tutors, who are senior Proctors, must be maintained, it is a pity, the same, to set everybody aski less severe and less sweeping have better met justice of the case ?”’ Which the bumpets seesk di:filide.too feet determin HE Ee sfee not have entailed such an indiscriminate distribution of ** Wonld not some sentence e importance, as well as the silly rt need not have been dealt with in such serious earnest— | their eg imi ONLY A DONKEY. At Birmingham a man was charged with allowing his donkey to starve to death in its stable, where it was found dead after the lapse of a foodless week, having eaten up nearly the whole of its wooden manger, and wed some brick-ends. The t's excuse was that fe had been too busy about the Elections to remember a donkey. The case created great mirth in Court, and the Defendant was ultimately fined five shillings. He-haw ! I’m criting genet os Nepean and slack of jew, T ye scarce evoke The chuckle of the ead who spies a joke, In everything about me, takes my voice As type of a more crass Than his, who That I made me much rejoice was but an ass. . : He-haw ! was it said that no one ever saw ey dead? Some minutes hence, at rest or the time since I was foaled, I fancy that my body stiff and cold Will somewhat blunt the point of that rare jest. Here have I starved for a whole week at least, S stop | Shall an ass lie? I’ve made a feast brick-ends and the timber of my manger. ore mirth, my masters! There is little danger Of failure in materials for mirth Whilst compet Som donkeys—walk the earth, wo or - ing Issachars are sweetly suited jest’s keen tooth on—better even -ends! Seven days, and long nights seven, save for timber rotten, ‘0 Than Alone and Sim: forgotten ! How should Man think midst the Election’s Babel Of a mere donkey starving in a stable ? Stick and short commons, labour and low diet, Are donkey’s destiny—’tis Wisdom’s fiat— Shall a thick-hided trate, na-coned and humble, Presume to grumble Or hope by Man—that humorist !—to be pitied ? And yet—he-haw /—had destiny but fitted Asses for ’s duties more compuie, ing had come more sweetly. not a slight mistake. aredilen, goad spl seit prick, wood or brick, Just one more munch. The manger timber ’s dry, Why did I dream of thistles? Of the grass, Close yet juicy whereon I, when young, In fact, a ‘shank’d little baby ass, So many happy, happ hours did pass ! Ee RE ee my eyes ee and how s this ? I cannot rise, ht. A light ? hee-aw! Alas! i which that last faint feeble bray I’m dying. Crowning jest, they’ll A “‘B-a-i-l” Miracle. Suyce the apparitions at the Chapel at Knock, County Mayo, the shares of the ‘‘ Midland,” which has a station not far off, have improved nearly twenty per cent., and receipts have risen to nearly one thousand pounds a week! TWO EDGES OF AN OLD AW. ‘ ENGLAND’s necessity is Ireland’s opportunity” (for evil).—Dawret O'Connor. ; “*Treland’s necessity is England’s opportunity” (for good).— Frances MaRLBoROvGH. VOL, LXXVIII,

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[Mar 22, 1880,

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

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Mar 22, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Me 7 it iW A STRAIGHT “ TIP.” Tramp. ‘* Wnose ’OvsE 18 THIS, Sin?” Gardener. ** Squirt Noaxkes’s.”’ Tramp. ‘‘Do you THINK I COULD GET ANYTHING THERE!” Gardener. ‘‘ Wut, I DON’T KNOW—THE LAST o’ your Soxt cor Twenty-Oxz Days!” But where was Harcourt? Echo answered ‘‘ Where,” and our heading explains why. (Is it true that the venerable Cuartes VILLIERS goes to the Upper House, and that faithful Wolver- hampton will furnish a life-buoy to the ‘‘ Man overboard” without going to the Chiltern Hundreds for one ?) Meantime, to the cry of ‘‘ Floreat Aula,” Haut took his seat for Oxford, if not to music of barrel-organs, to chorus of loud and lusty Conservative hurrahs. Let ’s laugh, and quaff, and make good cheers, Now Oxford’s Hauu is Westminstére’s.” Counter-cheers from the Government side as the young man from Leeds,—‘*‘ My son, Sir! ”’—took his seat, and the oath. Punch would like to know why the Benches were dissolved in laughter as the ex-Judge-Advocate kissed the book ? After oaths, notices——. By Sir Henry Havetock-Aian to look into the short-comings of Short Service. An announcement much cheered by the Opposition, as a confession of failure of the system on the side of the parents that begat it. Ultima Thule has its eye on India. Samuet Lanye, ex-Indian financial Secretary, means to ask Lord Haxutineron when he will help the House to look the yawning Srkacuey and Lyrron deficit in the face from the vantage-ground of a thorough overhauling of Indian accounts. Mr. Baxter is going to call over the coals the Laws relating to the transfer, ownership, and tenancy of the soil. “ So, landlords and lawyers, make ready for me, I'm for beckling o’ Land Laws, says Bonnie Dundee ! ”’ On Lord Ricnarp Grosvenor, giving notice of nomination of the Bradlaugh Committee for to-morrow, the Wo.rr all but flew at the ee, who begged him to wait till to-morrow, as that was the day or the Bradlaugh Bait, when the Woxrr could have his “run,” with which assurance the Wotrr was, with much ado, “tailed off.” (It is refreshing to find oneself involuntarily reverting to the vocabulary of the bull-ring and the bear-garden.) Tuesday.—Notices to abolish— By Mr. Mowk, congé d’élire, for Bishops ; By Mr. Rircuier, congé de détruire, by African Consuls ; By Sir Groner Batrour, the office of Advocate-General ; By Mr. P. Tayok, the use of the Navy Cat; And to call attention— By Professor Tuoxotp Rogers, and Sir C. Rounpgwt, to the Oxford Commissioners and their reports. By Mr. Paget, to the maintenance of our roads, and the rates for their a * By Mr. H. J. Baxrour, to a little bird in the India Office, who 1. M (nyt h fi he National Gallery y Mr. Coops, to the reasons for opening t atio on more days, and for more hours in the day. The Secretary of the Treasury could not oblige Mr. Carian with any information about the Parliamentary movements of Mr. SuLLIVAN, who declines to sit with him for Louth. Mr. Parwe tt, that Paris of Parliament, among the three con- stituencies that sue for his choice—Meath, Mayo, and Cork—has thrown the apple to Cork. ‘Then, great Intransigent, of cheer be brighter, And, thanks to Cork, upon the House sit iighter.”’” This pretty little lot of business and pleasure cut out for it, the House turned to the Bradlaugh Committee. eS Lord Ricnarp Grosvenor added the Attorney and Solicitor- General to the list already given. Then fiercely forth sprang Wourr, and, unreproved By adverse jooks, the Previous Question moved. “ The Cause of its Assembling undeclared, The Bill for its First Reading unprepared, With no Queen’s Speech whereto its life to pin, There was no House such business to begin. Wherefore this haste, defying Faith's alarms To take affirming BeapLavon to your arms

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= 232 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 22, 1880, Pease was a Quaker, but some faith he knew, And even Baron RotuscuiLp was a Jew. With Jew and Quaker you had something there— Something whereby to hold, whereby to swear,— Here all is void : a Nothingarian ’s hain The Constitution to infringe or strain ! In this great battle Tories take the field, Echo the ery of ‘ Wolff,’ and scorn to yield!” Returning from lyrics to law— The ATToRNEY-GENERAL pointed out that the nomination of the Committee to inquire if Mr. BrapLaveH was a person by law per- mitted to affirm, was a matter in furtherance of the Royal Message giving direction to Members of the House to take the oath. The SpeaKea might have di of the question, but ha doubts had referred them to the House, and the House had taken the usual course to settle them—a Committee. The ts were strictly in point. The House must be constituted before it could hear the Queen’s Speech. This was the removal of a difficulty arising in course of its constitution. Mr. Stanwtey LetcHtow backed the cry of Wotrr with a ery more strident. This was purely a legal question, The Committee might report that the Member ee Northampton was at liberty to affirm instead of swearing. Then all the fuss would have been for nothing. Or they might report that in their opinion he ox not affirm in- stead of swearing. In that case, his oath, if he it, would be a mockery and a scandal. But the whole thing was a sham and a masquerade. They were only acting out the play in which Anam and BrapLaven had been principal performers and GLapsTone prompter. The Liberal leaders had bargained with Brapiaven and were bound to their bargain even with him. But don’t let Conservative Members run their heads into the noose, and act “‘ as the outnumbered minority of a Committee whose report was a foregone conclusion.” Sir R. Kw1eurLey wanted to know why Mr. 8. Mortry’s name was missing on the Committee? He had been god-father to the Brad- laugh Baby, and ought to stand to his sponsorship. Sir J. Horxer felt bound to back the AtronWxyY-GewERAL’s view of the Law. This was business the House was competent to trans- act. But the reference was too wide. It ought to have been con- fined to the Braptaven case. It raised the general question whether a person who had been admitted to affirm instead of swear- ing in Courts of Law in certain cases, could be permitted to affirm instead of swearing in Parliament. Sir J. Mowpray thought the House was acting in an undignified —* In Baron Roruscutip’s case they had waited eleven years. — y in BrapLaven’s case they might have waited for as many ays. The Soricrror-GenweRaL reasserted the legal view already taken by acting and ex-ATTORNEY GENERAL. A leash of Lawyers—Grecory, Grrvarp, and Jacxkson—said their say, generally in accord with the Lawyers who had already spoken. Mr. O’Donnett, as a Catholic Member of the House, relieved his mind by an acrid protest, turning on the argument thus summed up: “The sanctions to an arrangement founded on considerations of Divine Providence and immutable morality must have a very different weight— at any rate in the minds of Christian people—from engagements in no way strengthened or confirmed by any moral sanction whatever. Therefore, although the House might, on due consideration, deem it right to admit a Member who objected entirely to all faith in morality and in God, who explained religion as a disease of the brain and conscience as a nervous con- traction of the diaphragm, yet the question ought to be brought plainly before the House ; and no backstairs arrangements or electioneering eontri- vances ought to turn the msible Government of a great Christian country from its plain duty to the Christian representatives of the nation. (‘ Hear, hear !*) Catholica, he believed, entertained stronger ideas than many other people on the subject of the relations between Church and State, and _ he thought that question ought to be ee clearly before the House. The reference to the proposed mittee would simply result in a waste of time, for it carefully avoided the real point at issue, which must be eventually debated im the House, however the Committee might report.’’ This is, at least, intelligible ; but Mr. O’ Donwext talked a goodideal besides, that seems to Punch equally irrelevant and unintelligible about “‘chicanery,” and “ mancuvring,” and “‘shirking the re question at issue.” Surely the House is doing anything but that. Earl Percy and Mr. Newpecats warned the they meant to have their respective says whatever the report of the Committee. And then the House Divided on the Motion that the Question be now put—171 Ayes to 74 Noes. Anew Writ was ordered for County Meath. And then St. Stephen’s School broke up till Thursday, the 20th, for its unearned Whitsun holidays. The latest news is that the Committee has reported (by the casting vote of its Chairman, Mr. Waxttore) that Mr. Brapraven is not a person who can be allowed to sit on affirming his allegiance, instead of swearing it. It is well the Collective Wisdom has a week to collect itself in. y it be wisely guided to any conclusion but the martyrdom of Mr. Brapiaveu ! A PUZZLE FOR THE PEOPLE. ee - gs advertised in @ newspapers may eave been n a@ concern ing the t remark- ioe anne iption of the ‘‘ Bilin = eral or Com- (Limited). n the pro- Gpectus of this scheme its promoters inform us that Bilin is the name of a pnee in Bohemia. This explanation is needful as the Public will be likely to imagine the Bilin Natural Mineral Water to be Bilin Water from some hot-spring or Geyser. ‘The wonder in their wee wil be how the water, after being bottled for sale, ean continue moNG the various new un- A dertakin \ ‘ \ ROUGH NOTES FROM A DIARY. Vaxious mischievous and idle rumours having got abroad as to the origin of the Premren’s now famous communication to Count Kiroryr, Mr. Punch has much pleasure in finding room for the following. Being nothing more than a leaf torn from a rough scribbling diary, it tells its own tale, ; ; In the hope and belief that its publication will help to clear the air, he has much satisfaction in giving it publicity :— May 2nd, 9 a.m.—Disagreeable telegram from Exiiot while at ae Oy German Band outside, playing, ‘He is an Englsh- man.” Felt so worried, that I had a shilling sent out to them to shut up, and be off. Re-read telegram. E.iior wires that the Emperor called him out publicly from the Diplomatic Corps at the Reception yesterday. Tore off two of his decorations, and informed him that he had forbidden a new carriage-horse to be named after me. He then burst into tears, and ordered the mobilisation of the Second, Fifth, and Seventh Army Corps, yy + that he has forbidden at the same time the use of the Gladstone Bag in the Danubian Frontier Provinces. This is serious. Send off for GRANVILLE. Band still playing ‘‘ He ts an Englishman” round the corner. Feel altogether unnerved. , 4 1 P.M.—GRANVILLE looking pale. Guess the worst. KAnoLri is going. Offered his opera-box, subscription at Mupre’s, tickets for three Co-operative Stores, and Royal Academy Catalogue, half- price, to a ative Nobleman, im confidence, only yesterday evening, at B——’s. G. tells me, also, he was seen measured for a travelling Ulster at a well-known West-End tailor’s this morning. JZhis'is very serious. Band playing somewhere in back street. 6. upset, but offers todo what he can. Meantime, have sent band off to Belgrave Square © et the Austrian National Hymn in octaves. Have given them number, Hope K. will understand the compliment. Very much worried. distressing day. Vay 3rd, 3°30 a.w.—Still distressed. Band outside since half- past six, playing the Austrian National Hymn. They went to the wrong number in ve Square yesterday, but afterwards found pa I ag ig wang ayy tet hn a . removed by the police. is very t Have wired to G. to see the Count, at all banal ond, ell hie that I will put something nice him in next month’s Fort- fer ce ee amend sity aaa gia! ependence.”” Wises back, “Can’t, without Ortenporr.” TZhis w very unfortunate. To bed, miserable.

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May 22, 1880. ] ___ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARL. 233

May Ath, 9 a.m. rn ~y news. Telegram from F.0., “ All right. X ceneed Pron Nak him y with you at ten.” Feel very happy. All my old energy a cy again outside playing Austrian Rational ymn. Capital tune. ou a.M.—G, has come. All is settled. Met Kinoryi ata high ¢ tea, and, b eat tact and well-timed attentions, in the way of muffins and ) Rompe | pan quite won him over. He disclaims all intention of goi bepeaa four corners of Berlin Treaty. Is ready to say so if I’ll apologise. to draw him. I have only wh sign a ‘‘ neat little letter,” and the my be ed Noon.—Have signed letter $ gpeted ry to Extior. Kiroryr’s most satisfactory. Ha! Ha! appiest ay since Midlothian. G. in tal irits. Howe ot sent out to band for “* He is an Englishman” once more. them fi five shillings. This is certainly the best move I’ve made yet. Hope J ive . B. will aso © Ge prope Ugh, hat will papers say? To bed early and radian

“THE BROAD END OF THE WEDGE.” (By Mr, Punch's Prophetic Reporter.) aut 18—. YESTERDAY the new eommenced some four sta Thames Embankmen ote publ for the transaction It will be resnigubaged res rising reg gh. ag h the bullies called into being e needs created Metropolitan Ga tad Water Supply Act. te pang architectural during the course of construction time to tie. oS Soe to meet ts oiline ‘tom measures <r a the somewhat patch- appearance of the new rls, which, to is useful rather ornamental. It one com o coveees eres: i 4 or ua’ an endowed by the M ae London), is ee age the Anti-M Fi oa a ae aonb cele tak rae ee < b process), is far from an Ee SS ee and Water (Proper by gone &@ score of affiliated Cities and Boroughs (extending as far as York, Brighton, Colchester), the remainder. Here the householder can obtain every information and assistance; can pay his latest gas-bill, or complain of his newest sw pipe. Passing on through a short yoomgs an enormous hall is reached, w ich serves as the Central Office of the ational Banking Corporation. This “‘ com- bination” (to use a Yankee ex ression) is, of course, merely an elaboration of the Post Office Savings s’ scheme. Still, as every one knows, the a ration has taken the place in public estimation of the position once oceu- by the Joint Stock Banks of Limited or un-Limited Liabili y, ——_ 80 a resorted to. Beyond the hall sre a few rooms devoted to the Government Metropolitan Cab Department. This scanty accommodation is in : marked con- trast to the three large wings that have ‘bea found necessary to accommo- date the various branches of the Government General Amalgamated Railway and Steam-Boat Offi b | the entire trade of the nation is now con- ducted. A corridor |} this enormous branch-department to the rooms of the Perishable Food Controlle which are next to the sanctum of the Chief of the Patent Medicine and Quack Nostrum Examiners. For the convenience of Lady Students for the Btage, there is a separate entrance to the Sock and Baskin pe ye in the Strand, close to the Government Theatre and State Opera House. Rehearsals for declamation and cpertnan, ¢ —y for the present, still ela at “the Royal Albert Hall as the only enclosed large eno one | the purpose, now the management of the theatres has * eh Government. Perhaps the most interesting oy in the whole building is the Sumpt Laws Enforcement Office. The Commissioners have an entire block to themselves. In one of the rooms new dresses are registered. Here some- times the most amusing scenes occur. The Pmt who sits as Chief Jud has made it a rule never to pass 4 costume of either an extravagant or unheal: y character, in spite of the tears and blandishments of the most outen « or captivating of modistes. His colleague, at the head of the House Erecting and F t, is equally conscientious ; and it requires builders and decorators of more than perseverance and astuteness to the Government sanction for a badly-constructed building, a tasteless sc of decoration, or an insanitary seheme of house-drainage, or Penns The peur Deeps ee ree is also extremely interesting, as the Commissioners that all the — — and Steg "brought before them shall’ he of Ae tas beck quality, and in the taste. ‘‘ Reclamations” (as the hee 1 ), are not unfrequently ‘heard in the branch of the bureau the ft icensing and pricing of this class of article. nese oiling has not yet been christened ; L; but will probably bear the *p ropriate, if somewhat cumbrous, title of ‘‘The Government Universal Babli and Private Business Transaction Office and State Department for the ai tension of the Principle of Paternal npriowe in Great ae wg ae rather lenatny Copignation i in course of years may possibly abbreviated by the Public inte ‘ General Circumlocution Office.”

SONG OF THE SPRINGTIDE. (Not by Mr. Swinburne.)

bey dy it that o’er the wild waters t beastly North-Easter still blows, Dust-dimming the eyes of our daughters, Lg ing each nice little nose ¢ Why is ah ese = reed we | Are plagued with perpetual chills, fron to sapen -, Nile-lands rom Albion’s ills O foringtié who hath found thee, ow i, in luce i, who With th garment of greener; round thee, And belted with blossomy tase. From us by the blast thou art drifted. All brag of thy beauties is bosh ; When the songs of thy y singers are ‘sifted, mvs. fl won't w True, the pictures Piccadilly And dreminy teous Street are hung ; a of ih and MiLLais from Society's But what avail S, he and wer, paint upon Wickens a cee t

Tue Last Cross Awanpep.—Georse Exsor’s!

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~ 234 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 22, 1880. PRN fe oy dle . yy is) Saat My rf , iy THE MUTUAL ADMIRATIONISTS. (Fragments overheard by Grigsby and the Colonel at one of Prigsby’s Afternoon Teas.) Young Maudle (to Mrs. Lyon Hunter and her Daughters). ‘“‘Ins THE| Young Postlethwaite (to the three Miss Bilderbogies), ‘‘THE GREATEST UPREMEST Porvry, SHAKSPEARE'S, FOR INSTANCE, OR J0STLE-| PAINTERS OF ALL, SUCH AS VELASQUEZ, OR MAUDLE, OR EVEN (HWAITE’S, OR SHELLEY'S, ONE ALWAYS FEELS THAT, &o., &c., &c.”’| TITIAN, INVARIABLY SUGGEST TO onzE, &c., &0., &o.” + peed Pasty, with a ba crust "1 T Of courtesy covering statecraft. THE PIE AND THE PLUM. Mr. Bull. aa Well, I trust, Mr. Bull. What, Wriu14M, the old dish already? Come! Your taste regarding in whatever light, This is too bad. The world will not mistake m appa. William. But look at this fine plum! For Humble Pie, however well embellished Worth stooping for, I faney, Mr, Butt. By cook-craft, is a dish I never r >, Even if it gives my enemies the pull And this looks too much like it, for my mind. To see me squatting here on this low stool. Wil ia most unfortunate first course. You'll find fe ee gaan ean aen ete baile het - This Austrian plum good picking; and I stoop But really, Writ1aM, I’m a little pained To conquer. At your peculiar posture. People laugh. Mr. Bull. - Do you mean to lead your troop William. Ah, don’t you be too sensitive to chaff. To bene 4 through the Caudine Forks? I’m sure My foes will make the most of it, no doubt ; You are forgetting—as you did before— But this big plum that I have just pulled out That though to seem anc -—s be is bad, Will prove of value, after hot GEORGE To be and yet not seem ’s il ost as sad, And many a one who vows his very gorge Sometimes, ib > Meekly munching there, aos at what mow. call my retractation, Wi ae do not look imposing. i ee ». a ae Mr. Bull. But I do. Lavxcexor should not seem to creep, Invites invective-—— Nor hot ACHILLEs ape Uriah He Wilitam. From the Tory scorner In act or attitude, Charge at full heat Of all the words and ways of Witiiam Horver. F ey so soon by we oe saveet, ; But then, you see, they always crab my game ; re | fine strategy— A 00 e blunder ; Play high, play low, dear Buxt, ’tis all the same. And, seeing it, you really cannot wonder _ To rink up Esil, eat a crocodile, If foes exult. 1 trust that you mean winning. Would not disarm them, if J did it. Bile! But this, in form at least, ’s a bad beginning! That ’s what it is, and nothing will agree = a Sere Haan, on’t = see ! —_ Mr. Bull. Humph! t’s your way of putting it; but ‘ Confess I do not relish Humble Pie. A toe Oe .. Wiliam. Bless you, this isn’t Humble Pie at all ! THERE seems to be no doubt about the Revival of Trade. Prospec- Mr. Bull, The deuce it isn’t! tuses of projected Joint-Stock Companies begin to thicken in the letter- William. No, ’tis what I eall boxes of persons unlucky enough to be on a Professional Register.

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\\\\ NY \\\\ = “ SS Ske SS eee A A A} = / ly ‘ An “ff; Ud Wj Whi) VON 4 Phys WiiWii WH AND SAID, “ WHAT A SHARP BOY AM I!” EATING HIS HUMBLE-PIE. HE PUT 1N HIS THUMB, AND HE PULLED OUT A PLUM, i / ‘fy BIG WILLY HORNER SAT IN THE CORNER, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—May 22, 1880.

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Page 241

May 22, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL } | ( light! f é lt ! ( Dy ai } HT TRIUMPH. Frame Maker (in ecstacies). LINE AGAIN ! ” “By Jove! JeMIMA—EVERY ONE OF ’EM ON THE HARD LINES! A status of Brrow, we are grieved to hear, is shortly to be set face to face with ‘‘ the Great AcniLLEes, whom we know ;”’ that greatest offender ever blown out of who knows how many guns: that colossal embodiment of “robur et es triplex ;” that biggest, and most brazen- faced of “‘ cribs” from ‘one of the young men with the Horses of Monte Cavallo—so often mistaken by country cousins for a bronze likeness of the Iron Duke. The pedestal of the Poet’s statue, in Hamilton Place, is, we are told, to be inscribed with the single word— “Byron!” Why this further cruelty? Is it not enough to set the Poet in the modern and more durable substitute for the pillory, but you must label him be- sides? Don Juan may have been a grievous crime against vs , and even morality; but has it de- served this? ad as Byrnon’s life may have been, it can hardly be said to have ay drawn down the re- tribution that enrols him in that ignoble army of martyrs, the tenants of that enlar out-door Chamber of Horrors, the hideous array of those heinous offenders against taste, the London Street-Statues! a A sect of enthusiasts is loud for the abolition of capital punishments; and yet we are content to go on sentencing our unfortunate celebrities in Arts and Arms to the, infliction of wsthetic public infamy, so long as marble lasts, and bronze survives! Our benighted and hard-hearted forefathers felt even the pillory too cruel. Shall we, who boast our enlighten- ment and humanity, retain its far crueller substitute— rotten eggs apart—the pedestal ? A Man of Metal. Sim Hewry Bessemer, addressing the Common Council with the Lorp Mayor at their head, on being presented with the freedom of the City in a gold box in recognition of his great discovery, may say— ** Grapple me to your souls with hoops of steel!’’ NO MORE PROSAIC LORD-LIEUTENANTS. _ Romantic i inative Ireland does not need Politi- cians to govern her. She prefers Poets. Having once enjoyed Spencer, she is now going to try CowrEn. A Query ?—Since the Home-Secretany lost his seat, what is his official standing ? THE NEW FIRM, (A Card.) >Giapstoye & Co., on succeeding to the business carried on during the last six years by BeaconsrizLp & Co. (Unlimited), in Downing Street, the Guil (City Branch), Constantinople, Afghanistan, the Cape, Egypt, and the Metropolitan Music Halls, have the pleasure of announcing to their numerous friends and supporters in all parts of the country, that the stock for home consumption, which, under their predecessors, was allowed to fall too low, will) shortly be vepleniehadl with a choice and varied assortment of articles suited to the growing wants of the times. Several novelties are in active preparation, and will be offered to public notice at the proper season. In the Foreign Department, Grapstone & Co. have been fortunate enough to secure the co-operation of a Manager of great tact, ability, and experience, whose instructions to the Representatives of the House in every quarter of the world are confidently expected to pro- duce prosperous results, and favourably to affect the future Dividends | of the Firm. A lot of Berlin-work still on hand. Must be cleared off within a| very short period, and without further notice. A new t has been appointed at Constantinople. All orders received by him will secure immediate attention, and will be executed with vigour and promptitude. Colonial Produce of a superior quality. The Indian Department will be under fresh and improved manage- | ment. The Cashier’s Branch will be remodelled. Giapstone & Co, have the gratification of announcing that the Senior Partner has consented to undertake the Book-keeping | Department. His vast knowledge and long experience may be | accepted as a sufficient guarantee that all liabilities will be met as ‘armers griculturists ceiving early and careful attentio | They can also point with unqualified sa , of “* Irish” can also Gar become due ; that Deficits will not be mistaken for Suarpluses ; and that in making-up Balance Sheets, items of some millions in amount will not be omitted from the Accounts. As large Land Agents, Grapsrowe & Co. hope to give satisfaction to their various and clients. su Although oxtenive low-stationare, Grapstone & Co.’s law will be caythiag bat eeners. may rely on their commissions re- n. ping Orders executed with skill and despatch. Schools with on liberal terms. The Undertaking Department will be at once rendered complete in all its branches. (Communications to be addressed to ‘O. M.,” on the Premises.) Guiapstong & Co. feel that it is almost superfluous to mention their large stock of Scotch — all on a well, er to shrink, to resist any amount ressure to keep their colours. J faction to a most useful ot Welsh manufacture. Some samples strongly recommended. : & Co. solicit a renewed trial of their Ballot Appersoes, . : - Lapstone & Co. cannot refrain from drawing attention to their irmi and Sheffield goods, Birm and also to an unusually fine pe A For further particulars, see Bills, which will shortly be issued. 10 to 12, Downing Street, 8.W., May, 1880. Ship and important GLADSTONE THE MAGNANIMITY OF EXASPERATION. Sir Wri114m Harcourt’s last words at Ozford RY on Saturday, 8th May, 1880).—‘* Good night, and God bless you, ’A ' ;

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238 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [May 22, 1880, EXCELSIOR, EXCELSISSIMUS. R. WHYMPER ought to change his name from WHYMPER to Crow, and take for his crest a Chanticleer, struttant, chant- ant, on a moun- tain reduced to a mole-hill. There is no earthly emin- ence, good or over a the t WHYMPER poe already, or does not mean, shortly to be, entitled to crow, as its conqueror. climber, an on He a lished off” the Alps, to use his own ) so pret Paes mg hes palin off f 8) pues 0 ge lows. highest Se. tain is indeed a high-low to him. , He thinks no- thing of taking down a dozen aiguilles in as many mornings, like the famous sailor who used to swallow pock- et-knives. He has done brown —for = their perpetual snows — Mont Blane, | F ny the — yt es till these wretch- ed monarchs of mountains, as they once called themselves, are reduced to the * \AARN sos? in whimpering submission at their conqueror’s feet, as the lions at Van Am- BURGH ’s, He has lished off” the Caucasus, and looked down on the rocky bed on which Prometheus suffered all the tortures of liver-complaint. He kee eeps the Himalayas we understand in reserve, as a monkey keeps a big nut in his pouch, ‘‘ when mouthed, to be last swallowed.” atl ey Lng meng bt og eke his head, legs, and breathing apparatus in order for Dawalajeri, t flooring the Andes, “‘ polishing off” Chimborazo, Corazon, Sincho- and Antisana, a showing us where to md a happy day, by passing twenty-six hours a-top of Cotopaxi, 19,500 feet above sea-] ~ y He i is now, by Tost dvi vices per TUCKETT, —who En the aye of trumpeter him by SHaxspeaxe, “It is my Lord, I hear his Tnek ett,” —on — to guna, { @ mountain under the Equator—who must, there- fore, one would think, be keeping we! his perpetual snow under difficulties unknown to more northern mountains— to mt, Baranen and Cotocachi. The latter, he drops on incidentally, is the which estroyed Ibarra some years ago, (‘‘ but needn’t flatter himself he is going to destroy —. and is reputed to be 16,300 feet high, (“till I take him down, and put him under his own feet and mine, in the boiling of a thermometer ! ”) This reducer of bad eminences, this active swallower of active volcanoes, this defier of the highest high-lines of fire and snow, as he has got into the habit of climbing heights impossible to ordinary man, has taught himself to live at them, and breathes the difficult air of thej/mountain-top as comfortably as the Fire-King, CHanert, breathed the breath of the seven-times-heated furnace, His only bother is that the toes of = Swiss-guides—the molly frost-bitten on Chimborazo, at 19,600 hag and that the South Americans—lazy beg- 1— gars '—won’t follow in his footsteps, and ap up Lay native mountains as he does. the miserable wretches have one excuse ~s not rising to the height of their situation. You can’t see any either at the top or bottom of these South- American ranges, for, as WHYMPER com- poe, 5 ee it is thick fog every day and all day ong in Ecuador, except for one hour from six to seven A.M. even Wurmrer, ont Can vy as he is, can’t always insure even ting-up, say 20,000 feet, by that mh Fag If ever a Gentleman was entitled to ad- vertise himself as ‘‘in the snow line,” Wuymrer is the man, a self, with no company. We propose that the empire he has so proudly asserted over the semen inaccessibilities of hy hop ae be as a higher form o: perialism ymperialism ; that his prowess should be honoured b a Victoria Cross of his own of iron with sky-blue points and a ie of perpetual snow frozen into them; and a coat of arms found for him, with two ice- axes, borne be mr oe in chief ow . mountain bowing its head, dimini , and the motto ‘* Sich” a Gettin” up Stairs ¢ or, if that be thought disrespectful in the ver- nacular, its statelier Latin equivalent, ** Excelsior ! ” THE LETTER OF LETTERS. Sucu R., the First of the famous Three, seems destined to become. The New Educa- tional Code not only authorises, but pro- s to encourage Masters of Elementary Bchoo ls, by pecuniary poaeee. to teach, ate, ‘Sich aaa Home Ge graphy, Nat ry, Pp hy, Na tural Philosophy, History, and and grep. Sarma besides an indefinite num- ber of subjects under the head of “Ete.” Not only the ‘‘ Three R.’s,” but as man more letters as en please, are includ within the single “ ** Reading.” The abbreviation, ‘‘ Etc.,” clearly compre- hends every letter in the ‘Alphabet that can stand as an initial for any branch of human learning. The book to be read for exercise in ‘‘ R.” must be an Encyclopedia ous de rebus omnibus et forsan quibusdam gs yr rg — Rebus. What R * the Ratepa to this ‘‘R.” for = Reading,” a to a .”’ for the Reg tion requiring him to supply “2.” the “* Ready” to pay for it, remains to be seen. Perhaps another ‘‘R. » for some illiberal individuals cite. **Rot!” or “‘ Rubbish!” Cook—Christian and Conservative. Tut Bridport is one of the few homes of True Blue principle, its choice of a re- oe resentative at the late Election shows. hat a fine sense of the connection be- tween C ity and Conservatism, and of the comfort to be anticipated from a union of the two in Kitchen as well as in Hall, in that advanced locality, is indi- cated in the ey er advertisement ex- tracted from the Bridport News :— Christian Conservative wes for the Country, ~ COOK. me idow, aged forty. An abstainer preferred.—Address, &c.

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May 22 , 1880.) MRS. PONSONBY DE TOMKYNS ON Gorgius Midas, Esq., Junior (who thinks of entering the holy state). THE Srkaicar Tip! HAD FOR THE ASKING | ”’ PALL! IN-Law !”? Gorgius Midas, Esq., Junior. ‘‘ Ricat you ARE, Mas. T., As vsvat !”

**Now THEN, Mars. T., GIVE Us Wuicu Hap I! Betrer Spor FoR BETTER FoR worse !—Mary Rosinson, wHo’s AS GOOD AS GOLD, AND A Beauty !—or Lapy Janz CADBURY, WHO AIN’T? Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns, ‘‘ BEAUTY FADES, DEAR Mr. MipAs, AND MERE GOODNESS I8 APT TO| Now, a TITLE LasTS FOR EVER, AND ONE DOESN’T TIRE OF HAVING A DUKE FoR A BROTHER- | 239

\; “OURS” AND HOURS. . ie I gee 8 at $ Knighte- ri are ect, with the ex tion of one insignificant detail The quarters of officers and men could <a be better, and the horses seem to be pA hg Fn school is admi- rable, and the mess- rooms and ante- Kad pot, hepeoh phate, ns race n 8 ’ ace is scarecly up to the ose of day. Th in, to t0 be sure, a magnificent clock- containing an equally mag. aiBeeat clock, but “both tower 1 clock are so placed that the occupants f the barracks can see neither. It am ** Wait a moment, I run out and see!” In “a4 there has been so much shouting connection with attempts to a the hour at Knightsbridge, that the t tenants of the new Ly any are hrm to be permanent! ngen of the periodical the Lies” to Blues,” and “* | ae as the "Royal ,

Anatomy at Fault. ‘* Fatse ribs” are defined in the Anatomical Manuals to be those ‘* which have only one attachment.” Allowing that all Women, as de- scendants of our first ‘‘rib,” Eve, | partake of her nature, this defin tion is unsatisfactory. In the exist- ing state of Society, false ribs are those with more than one attachment. MARRIAGE. THEY ’RE BOTH TO BE

ConSERVATIVE REJOICINGS,— Round the May-poll at Oxford. An AppaLirne CoNTRADICTION IN | Texrms.—A Screw’d Proctor !

INDO-EUROPEAN MYSTERY ! Iw one of the “‘Sacred Books of the East,” lately edited by Pro- fessor Max MU tier, namely, the Khandogya Upanishad, first chapter and first verse, you will find these words— — “Let a man meditate on the syllable Om.’ This precept you may possibly consider more concise than clear. In a note thereunto appended, however, the meaning of meditation on the syllable Om is thus expounded : “ Meditation on the syllable Om consisted in a long repetition of that syl- lable with a view of drawing the thoughts away from other subjects, and thus concentrating them on some higher object of thought, of which that syllable was to be made the symbol.” Om-m-m-m-m! Hum-m-m-m-m! These syllables are evidently much the same, and the long repetition of one makes a sound very nearly like that of the other. You occasionally hear it uttered in unison by British Nonconformists of the humbler class sitting under an energetic minister, such as Mr. Sricerns. ‘This concentration of thought the Hindus called one-pointedness.”’ That is to say, the concentration of thought upon the single Om. It is difficult, with unassisted vision, to see the point o monosyllable; but ‘behold it pointed out :— int, that

“He who meditates on Om meditates on the spirit in man as identical with the spirit in nature, and thus the lesson is taught that none of the Vedas with | their sacrifices and ceremonies could secure the salvation of the worshipper, | but that meditation on the knowledge that is meant by Om can alone procure true salvation, or true immortality. Thus the pupil is led on step by step to | what is the highest object of the Tpanishads— viz., the recognition of the self in man as identical with the Highest Self, or Brahman.” When the eidiitens were on view some years ago at the Egyptian Hall, their exhibitor being asked by a spectator whether they pos- sessed any object of ~ oy replied, ‘‘ No, Sir; every one of them believes iensel lf to be the Superior "Being. h Perhaps this = what now ee brought themselves to by a practice essential] same as of meditating on the syllableOm. Brahmin and on seem very much alike, es: y en. Ecclesiastical historians mention a sect of enthusiasts named ‘oupardpuvxo, ‘‘ men whose souls were in their navels,” so called from o accustomed to get into trances by concentrating their sieston ne umbilical centre. Do not the'oupardyvx seem to have oa a sort of meditation on Om? At the conclusion of the Eleusinian mysteries the initiated were dismissed with the words «éyt ‘ow a, the first syllable of ‘ommat owe” —- Om, and if ere what ban on , antins meee y 8 p wing ne ue we s, used ierop eae their thum haba their noses? ‘That action cuits 1 to those those words might th 7 _ Saal to mean, * All my ty ” or much eye.” Now Om, as we have is convertible with Hum, A a is actually spoken Om by an italian talking English, who fe = our ordinary slang spueaien for im TE i Ombog. hat, therefore, the Elcasinian mystagogue said, in re h, when he sent the mystified about their so ny with a iction which he wished t to take for a blessing, was probably “ All Humbug!” Hence it would seem that the root of Humbug, in the Indo-European language, is the syllable Om.

Waar Sm Wri pip yor Propuecy.—That he would be Hauled out of his Seat at Oxford.

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| 240 PUNCH, Szeconp VIsiIT (CONTINUED). | ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE. | (By “ Private View,” of the R.A. Volunteer Corps.) : No. 131. *‘ No Deception!” G. D. Lesuig, R.A. A stage peasant, out for a holi- ay, performs wiof Fish in the open air. All so nice and clean and tidy and retty. The in the porch say, ‘‘ Oh, ye we know w it’s done: we've seen it before! Do go way, before ape ,, comes No. 141. +H paring for t Festa. Henry Woops. It sounds unplea- santly ike making a bread- poultice. On reading the title, and’seeing the picture, this idea is dispelled. No, 145. Goathland Mili, Whithy Moors. Rose Manswatt. What are Whitby Moors? Descendants of Moors washed white ? or Provineial Christy Minstrels? Or are Whitby Moors any relation to Digby Chicks No. 147. Cross and Crescent. H. Faner Biunen. Perhaps one of the aforesaid Whitby Moors going to Bath. The Whitby Moor looks cross; and as he is standing by the water, he may be sniffing the water-cress-scent. (N.B.—Read the quotation in the H. R. A. Guide. Don’t spare more than a quarter of an hour in trying to apply it, and on.) No. 155. Follow My Leader. G, A. Srorny, A. Follow my miss-leader, apparently, It represents a scene in Colwell Hatchney on the festival of Founder’s Day. Keep your eye on the boy at the back, who has cleverly got himself mixed up with the screen, in order to avoid observation. All young familiar faces — merry models. Srorey, like History, repeats himself. ; No. 161. Tableau warning a theatrical pic-nic, with ‘‘ pro- perty” pie and ier mAché plates. The only thing likely to be really stuffed is yg Hs “ | Writs, R.A No. 169. “* Ticklish Times.” Atrnep Exrmore, R.A. “I'll go in,” said the little Eastern ; ‘‘ but please don’t tickle, it’s not fair.” No. 170. ‘“ Tottie” ; or, the Child’s Silent Protest. W. Curis- ne Gee “ Look here,”’ — e seems to say. ‘I’m ressed up quite enough already, but you don’t expect me to wear this white coat and rug that are lying on this dean, do you? lf you do, you’re more of a Herodian than a Christian, Symons.” No. 184. Before the Battle; or, What a Confornded Nuisance ! Jomn Perrm, R.A. The Knight, just ‘‘ Before the Battle, Mother,” finds that his armour pi im over the instep, so that he can’t walk, much less run. armourer- er is sent for, who says, ‘* Yes, I see, Sir, where it is; I'll let you have it back to-morrow.” But it’s too late $ Ale regiment is assembling, and his company is requested tely. No. 199, After Anmibal Scratchy. J. R. Rew. No. 200. ‘‘ Hard Lines.” C. Ww. Corz, R.A. No. 211. Puri H. Catprron, R.A. Evidently a very polite person to Ladies, whom he has captivated with bow. e nearest kneeling figure is, however, giving him the cold shoulder, with which, strangely €: - Erdendly Bow and Spear.” enough, he much , No, 212. Portrait of Painter ; or, Watts His Name. G. F. Warts, R.A. No. 218. A Solo; or, Millais by Himself. J. E,. Miixats, R.A. No. 224. ighte An Frank Goopa, R.A. No. 225. Ladies’ Compartment, First-class Carriage. Engaged. A Tiresome Journey. ALPRreD Exmore, R.A. No. 229. Somebody, who has been told he is so like the Prince of WAL LBs, goes to a Fancy Dress Ball made up as H.R.H.; and he really is not very unlike him. J. Basrrew Lepace. our; or, A Ride on a Camel. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 22, 1880, No. 230. Leading Strings. J. C. Honstey, R.A. A taking Picture, full of life and colour ; but what a misleading title! Every- one acquainted with Mr. Horsiey’s love of music, only exceeded by his devotion to painting, would expect from the title of ‘ Leading Strings’’ a collection of portraits of eminent violinists, beginning with Herr Joacur™, with Sarnton and other chefs d’attaque. This is what ‘‘ Leading Strings” should have led to. No. 247. ‘* Ought we to Visit her?” W.C. T. Dosson, R.A. Mr. Donsow calls it ‘‘ Mignon,” and ‘‘ What’s the meanun’ of it?” ask the Cockneys. Anyhow we oughtn’t to visit her. No. 249, Zits Grace. Jonn Perriz, R.A. Ver person. Look at his hair, Is there an “‘e” omitte Ought it to be “* his Grease” ? 0. 268. Hand and Glove ; or, Hia Grace the as Archbishop of Canterbury. Grorce Ricnmonp, R.A. Here’s the Archbishop, but where’s his Grace? The Guide informs us the picture was ‘painted for Lambeth Palace.” Everybody thought it was intended for the Archbishop, as it is more like him than Lambeth P , The style of the Artist is to be traced in every detail, specially in the nose, which is quite a Richmond bridge. The situation seems to be, ‘‘ Bother it! here I am dressed for a Court ceremonial, and I ’ye only got one lavender kid glove! ‘Oh where, and oh where is my little kid glove? Oh where on earth can it be? With its fingers long and ite buttons strong, That I bought for two-and-three!” Then it occurs to him that, being all right for ome hand, he might buy an odd glove, as he goes » second-hand.” This is an example of ‘‘ Doctrinal Economy.” No. 275. King Henry the Sixth, Part I1., Act III. se.2. The Death of Gloster. Sir Jounw Gripert, R.A. To quote Justice light-headed in the title? Shallow—‘' The same Sir Jouy, the v ” and long may he be so. If this scene were on the rtage, the defunct Duke at back would not he the real Glo’ster, but a dou ster. Notice the characteristic central figure of Cardinal eaufort, in a sort of Remseannpr glow, ‘all hot,” the very im of the Church- man who “‘loved the flesh,” and who “ ted in broils ”’—as do many modern ecclesiastics— the situation has partiall iven the colour from his cheeks, and left the tip of his nose a d sun-set red. Yet he feels that he is satisfied; that after going through a menu of evil courses, he has had his knife into the genuine Gio’ster, and now there is nothing left for himself but his own desserts. In spite of the excellence of all the other characters, the Cardinal is the central fire with which Sir Jonw has scored a hit. No. 283. Portrait of one of the Inferior Clery turning his back on a distant See. Grorce Kicumonp, R.A. N.B.—Examine the landscape. Very imprudent of him to come out on a bleak moor, without either hat or overcoat. It may be considerate for his parishioners, as he is sure to catch cold, and won’t be able to preach on Sunday. And where was Ricumonpd when the Curate went out ? No. 286. Dutch Boat Becalmed. Cuar.tes THorNELY. Pooh! Dutch Boat be-blowed ! No. 303. A Ram-shackle sort of affair. T. Supney Coopsr, R.A. No. 315. ‘‘ Cuckoo!” Joun Everetr Mirzais, R.A. Out for a lark, but satisfied with a Cuckoo. Delightful picture of a pair of kids about seven-and-three-quarters. ially at breakfast. The horror of is damask AFFIDAVIT AND AFFIRMATION. Aw Agnostic you call yourself, do you? Why loth, When such is your creed, to be put on your oath ? Can an oath in your system be more than mere patter ; And from that point of view what does taking it matter ? Yet to taking an oath why confine yous negation, While accepting a solemn, so-called, affirmation ? If unto the former there ’s no respect due, What solemnity, pray, has the latter for you? After all, you’re perhaps not quite sure of the ground Upon which you object by an oath to be bound, Have a conscience too timid for telling a lie, And but doubt the belief you profess to deny. UnPARLIAMENTARY Benaviourn.—That Mr. Braptaven cannot take his seat in the House without swearing (vide Committee’s Report). Cowrerr’s ‘* Tasx.’’—To govern Ireland. Erratum.—In the legend to our last week’s cut, “ By Implication,” ‘*trackle’’ should have been printed ‘‘ hackle,” and “ Thomen” “Thornen,’” 4 To Comznsrowpants.— The Bditor does not hold himself bouad to ac: knowledge, stamped and directed envelope return, or pay for Contributions, in no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a ies should be kept.

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Mar 29, 1880.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 241 ME fe; VTE KIA RL GEN MG AD Vt Wh ie f. 4 j >is ~~. ieee _——— eS A HOPEFUL CASE. Patient. “‘ THEN, ACCORDING TO You, DocTor, IN ORDER TO LIVE AT ALL, | MUST GIVE UP ALL THAT MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING?” Doctor, ‘‘1’m AFRAID 8O—AT LEAST FOR A FEW YEARS.” Patient, ‘* PeRHavs YOU ’D RECOMMEND ME TO Marry?” os MORE MEN OVERBOARD! Ir is Mr. Prrwsoxt, and not the Hon. Cuartes Vit- trers— Derby, and not Wolverhampton—that will provide the life-buoy for our ‘“*‘ Man Overboard,” of last week, the Right Hon. W. V. Harcourt. There is another man at pe: pany on, 7 ees, the Lord Advocate, flung over by the Wigtown Burghs. If this + the Government Ship will be getting short-handed, or a system of seats that won’t sink wi have to be adopted, like that advocated for our ocean and river ateam-boats. : ‘ Itis not every Minister cast adrift without a seat to float him that can ex to find a PLumsoLt ready to surrender his seat to him, as a generous cast-away has heen known to spar to a messmate whose life he thought more important than his own. ? Mr. Piowsoin the cause he has at heart will be better served by Sir W. ¥. Harcourt can do for it in the House any efforts of his own there. ‘ e hands his seat to the Home Secreta: battling with the waves without a spar, and himself guge down, without to the depth of rivate life! act becomes Mr. SOLL. ve he ma Gain and Loss, SHoutp venerable BoopLes disappear, Now Boodlers must turn beggars and not choosers, Whate’er his seemin triumph. it is clear, That Garver will be heaviest of losers! ‘* PORM, RIFLEMEN, FORM.” Axp very “good form” it seems to have been, by the official reports, at Brighton on Easter Monday. ADDITION TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF A QUAKERS’ Weppine.—Friends will please to accept this intimation. Doctor (a confirmed Bachelor). ‘Ou xo! Com®, m¥ DEAR Feuiow, rt’s not| A Seasonaste Wisn.—May Sir Witi1am Harcourt QUITE 80 BaD a8 ALL THAT, YOU KNow!” win his Derby! ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE. Turep VIsIT. (By “* Private View,” of the R.A. Volunteer Corps.) A Hint from Your Own Private Guide.—The Academy is crowded. urn to the right on entering, and commence with Gallery No. X. You will then start cool and comfortable; and, with an unruffled temper, you will arrive at Gallery No. I. Let us begin with Gal- lery X. to-day :— No. 1410. Mrs. J. Major. G. Porz. Having succeeded with Mrs. J. Mazon, the Artist may be induced, next year, to try Mrs. D. Mrwvor. If he has luck, it may be D “on the line.” No. 1413. Motes in the Sunbeam. Atrnep W. Hunt. Allow me to suggest a companion picture, ‘* Castles in the air;” or the two mixed together, as “‘ A Castle in Ayr, surrounded by a moat on a| hear Sunbeam.” §So mote it be. No. 1414. Ophelia. Awwa Lea Mennrrtr. What’s in a name? Merritt undoubtedly. The theatrical perruquier, from whom this Ophelia hired her wig, ought to be ashamed of himself. Fortunately for him, his name is not in the Catalogue. No. 1425. Wards tn Chancery. Joun Morcan. Not quite colour enough in this picture. Does the Lord Chancellor wear a scarlet robe when hearing two Wards argue their own cause in his private-room ? Isn’t it rather a scene from some private theatricals, or after a bal masqué? Judging from appearances, the longer these Wards are kept in Chancery, the better. No. 1432. The Rev. Henry Parry Liddon, D.D., Canon of St. Paul's, Gronce Ricumonp, R.A. Profile only, showing one side of the character. Observe the High-Church-light on his temple. View of Richmond in the distance. No. 1433. Deputation of Villagers Presenting a Wedding Gift. James Haytiar. Model villagers. Six of them have saved up their money and bought a silver cup. They are evidently very | hoss- peculiar people. Observe the satin smocks of the two oldest inhabi- tants, No. 1439. Early Morning: Venice. Cruana Montara. If Ciara goes on at this rate, it will be clara—clarior—clarissima ! No 1442. Mr. Worrall. Cuas, Bracorr. He may be a Bragger after producing such a likeness! No. 1456. For Ever! Hensert Scumartz. ‘* Don’t you feel well ?” said the Lady in the yellow dress to the musician. ‘* Let me see if there is any green in youreye.’”’ She examined it closely, and then observed, “ Perhaps my dress has made you feel a little bilious. It can’t be helped ; it’s the only one I’ve got, and I’m going to wear it or ever: No. 1481. A Difficult Passage. Cant Scutorsser. No. 1482, Mrs. George Lewis. Kupotrpa Leumann. The position of these two ictures do credit to the dramatic instinct of the Hanging Committee. The old Gentleman living at No. 1481 is playing a difficult passage on the piano, and the y residing next door, No. 1482, is listening with evident pleasure to the performance which she can distinctly through the wall. Both Artists are to be congratulated. No. 1505. 4 Summer Flood: North Wales. B. W. Leaver. This will be a great favourite with children who will call it “a sweet picture,” reminding them forcibly of lemon cream and rock. No. 115. Race to Market. Tahiti, Society Islands. N. Cuevatrer. Queer sort of Society on these Islands. ey really want a “* dress- ing” from a Society Journal. ke. Ko, 139. Evangeline. G. H. Boventon, A. “ Charming single figure,” as Mr. BLacksvunn justly observes in his capital illustrated Guide. She oughtn’t to be single ; but, of course, Evangeline is wedded to a Six-foot Hexameter. ‘I didn’t know Evangeline was so tall,” said a young Lady. ‘‘ Nor so green either,” said Private View, quoting the mot about Canyina’s statue. No. 142. ister’s Kiss. Sir F. Luiontoy, P.R.A. Second title, ‘“*Go it, my Tu-lips!” The President’s best thistime. _ No. 231. Multiplication. Kate Penversi. Arithmetical table- turning. A spirited picture. 5 No. 504. One of the Family. F.G. Corman. This represents, , asking a horse in to dinner. The young woman in the corner is telling it desea so that the picture illustrates ** The Carte before the Horse.” VoL. LXXVIII, 4 a | | : a ae

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24? PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [May 29, 1880, Inebriate (who had somehow been precipitated from the top of Tram-Car), *‘ WHA-sH MABR’R ?—CoLLisza’N ? !” Bystanders and Passengers. **No!”? Inebriate. “Can OFF Rattsa ¢” Inebriate (with grave composure). — Inebriate. *‘’Xsupiosn’n ?’’ Bystanders and Passengers. ** No!” “Tarn, iF 1’p KNOwL’t, I wou—wovu—wWoULDL’r HA’ GORR ouT!” Bystander sand Passengers, ‘*No!”? No. 360. HLR.H. the Prince of Wales. Lumtgy. Ecce Signum ! No. 481. HH. C. Okeover, Esq., of Okeover Ha'l. J. ¥. Honason, RK. A. Elect. This portrait justifies Mr. Hopason as one of the elect. Okeover Hall is, of course, ’All over oak. Mr. Oxreover himself appears a little surprised at something. Whatisit? Is Okeover Hall haunted ? No. 482. Apparently the Lord Mayor at Margate, in the olden time, seeing a-man in armour bathe (but consult the Catalogue). Rost. HILLINGrorD. No. 490. The Last Days of Edward The Sixth. Anprew C. Gow. Very much obliged for the information conveyed in the title, which, at first sight, looks like a theatrical advertisement, announc- Aveustus SAVILLE hadn’t come, and wonders if he can ing the final matinées of some successful historical piece. The un- enlightened spectator would imagine, from the picture itself, that several cruel medieval people had got a young invalid at a window, | whence they were trying to ‘‘ pitch him over” in answer to the| elamorous demands of the populace below. No. 948. The Armada in Sight. Seymour Lucas. Excellent title! So appropriate—as just the one thing that is not in sight is the Armada! No. 1012. Old Actors. F.Smanurrenp. Pea Worrineton visits Manager Ricu, and finds him in a ae: gonyien for a Manager— cultivating the Mews. Tabby or not Tabby. No. 1026. A Picture of Indigestion. Epw. LApELt. No. 1031. Zragedy. F. D. Harpy. Tragedy! I should think so. A party of seven—having come ‘‘ with an order”’—have been crammed into a private-box intended for four people only. Notice the two Gentlemen at the back. The one in the remote distance, who can’t possibly see anything, without being rude, is wishing he away. Itisa T y. No. 1046. Out with her Beau. G. A. Storey, A. Portrait of a burlesque actress in classical costume about to make a hit. No. 1072. The Girl I Left Behind Me. Cnas. Green. Non- sense! The subject of the picture is evidently the girl I can’t leave The Last Days of | behind me, because she wil/ come. She is sticking to him like wax. EpWARD THE Sixt must have been peculiarly uncomfortable ones | Green as the Artist is, he ought to know better than to so mis-call his for the person most interested. No. 625. Injyable Injia; or, Ruling the Roast. Yau. C. Prinser, A. Scene in an Imperial Indian Cireus. Distribution of | prizes for the best conundrum. All hot! All hot! From a dis- | tance of three rooms off you can see this splendid Indian Pickle | Show, which represents the Rajahs, the Maharajahs, the Pickle-| jars, Begums and Begoshes, the Grand Chutnees, the Guikwars, the | Jam-jam-jelly-bhoys, the Tom-Toms, the Indian Drums, the Great | Panjam Drums, and the distinguished Janecrar Gustus SaLar June himself, assembled in Durbar, for which artistic triumph over in- tense difficulties the Artist has been invested with the historic title of The Great Daubhar of India. It is all glaring sun-light; the Indian Potentates look as brown and as hot as chestnuts a-roasting ; and if even there were a shadow of a doubt thrown on the success of the scene, it would be felt as an immense relief to the sweltering concourse. In the centre are the professional Trump Players, who are invariably engaged for an Imperial Indian Rubber. Altogether quite an Imperial Valentine, and a work of praiseworthy Hindoostry. picture. The Derby in a Nutshell. (By Mr. Punch's Monosyllabie Contributor.) Up! Fed! Off! Crush! Place! Train! Cards! Cheats! Row! There! Plod! Hill! Mud! Mob! Noise! Roughs! Rags! Drags! Lunch! Pops! Swells! Cads! Sweeps! ot Bets! Bell! Dog! Race! Hush! Roar! Howl! End! ! Wine! On! Dolls! Crash! Smash! Home! Boots! Bed! Next Day.—B. and §., lots! ! ONE AND THE SAME, Apoptine Par-Nett’s LeapEersurp—(By the Irish National Party) —As good as its Knell. \\ a2arnnhk ~~ 4

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PUNCH, OR THE THE COLOSSUS OF ROADS. + a ne \ 4 N : hi IY he ys 7 itn WF) \ - eh So Punch takes leave to re-christen Epwarp ForpHam Frower, one of the biggest-bodied, biggest-souled, and best-looking men in London, on the strength of his present crusade for the comment of his fellow-dwellers in London. He had already fought, and substantially won, a good fight for the Horses, in his Bits and Bearing Reins. He has now set Simself to a task not less hard and not less 1 ee improvement of the paving of the London streets, wieeuiel ** Macadamised.” -Macapam was a long-headed Scotch road-surveyor at Bristol, who died in 1836 at the age of eighty-one, and d to have inscribed on his monument— “He found England’s roads cobble-stone, and left them Macadam.” He thought and worked out the great and simple truth that the best way to make a smooth and durable road was to use for road- metal six-ounce stones that would pass through a two-inch gauge ; he caving proved by qb ge wide experiment these to be the stones best fitted to unite, by their own angles, without any use of sand or —_ Yan a compact and impenetrable body. r. FLower knew this sagacious Scotchman, who reformed the whole system of road-making, not in England only, but all over the world, wherever there are and was but poorly paid for it by a Parliamentary grant of £2000, and the ultimate repayment of his expenses out of pocket. He lived to see his principles everywhere adopted. Had he lived till now, it would have been to see these principles nominally followed, but practically shirked, by nine out of ten of the violation winked our road-contractors, and at by almost as large a proportion of our road-surveyors. _ It serves the contractor’s interests to supply stones of a weight instead of six ounces, and of three-inch, instead of two-i and to fill up the hollows left between such “‘ base metal” with gravel, to be erushed flat by the esa Gerke up by the Wade, washed out by the rain, and off with the road-scrapings. Then hey! for the hills and know so well, who travel London reads on wheels,—the carts and carriages, even more to their cost than the men drive them and ride behind them! Mr. Frowzr has devoted himself, at cost of much money, time, and trouble, to the exposure of these malpractices. They lie at the bottom of the dissatistaction that now finds expression in the doubt- ful substitution of asphalte and costly wood, for cheap, durable, and useful Macadam. They are one main cause of the burden of LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 29, 1880, heavy road-rates, the bother of constant road-repairs, and the dis- comforts of rough road-riding. y f And shall not the man who sets himself to right this wrong, who in his capital sixpenny pamphlet The Stones of London (published by Cassett), has given us a likeness of MacaDaM, a history of his road-reform, and an account of the gradual diver- gence from his admirable “antique vie,” made of stones of six- ounce weight and two-inch guage, till our streets have become the rough and costly horse-traps that we know—shall not Epwarp ForpHam Fiower have his statue set up in the s of Punch at least, if not in some great London thoroughfare, to keep contractors in check and surveyors at their work, as ‘the Colossus of Roads!” Behold it here! It remains for our Vestries and District Boards to do their best to second his efforts by propags ing his pamphlet, and putting in practice sound principles of -making and right methods of road-repair. THE DERBY LUNCH. Gladstone. Well, here we are! , Hartington. It’s been a precious pull. Granville, I feel quite empty. Gladstone. Well, the hamper ’s full. Hartington. Full!—yes; but what a luncheon ! Gladstone. ‘ My dear Harry, I did not plan it ; ’twas that other Party. They never started, and we got their hamper. Hartington. Humph! A bad Derby feed’s a regular damper. Gladstone. It is, dear boy, and, trust me, J should never Have laid in such a luncheon. Gipsy (aside, ironically). Ain’t we clever ? Hah! Humble Pie’s about the mark for you, My ancient joker, or an Irish Stew. , Granville, There’s lots of it, but everything comestible Seem: pe tough and deuced indigestible. _ Hartington. How ever shall we manage to through it ? Gipsy om est hand it here, my Sw and twig me 0 it! I’d bolt the blooming lot like winking. Granviile. Well, It isn’t taking to the sight or smell, But we must make the best of it. Gladstone. Just so. Next year it shall be nicer. Gipsy (aside. Shall it, though ? Don’t be too cocksure, my old cove! Harcourt (coming up dry and dusty). I say, Give usa di I’m parched. Gipsy (chuckling). Ah! he looks gy ! a wo Harcourt! Well, dear boy, you do look dusty! a! ha! Harcourt. There, stow your chaff. Granville. Come, don’t be crusty. Harcourt, Have just walked over. Do let’s have some fizz. Grant Duff. Won’t Cyprus do? Harcourt. No, Morr’s. Grant Duff. Here it is. Sorry we haven’t got some Hatt’s Entire. I know you like that tap. Hartington. How you perspire! Harcourt (savagely). Why so would you, if you had trudged from to wn. Hall (as Tout). My noble Sportsman, let me brush you down. Done yer afore at Oxford. Recolleck ? Harcourt. I say, will no one wring that rascal’s neck ? Gladstone. Come, come! cheer up, Sir Witt1am! And you chaps, Don’t be too prompt to chuckle at mishaps. We may meet more of them. . Hartington. I say, no croaking! ith such a smart turn-out ’twould be provoking To have a spill. ile. Depends upon the Whip. : Gladstone. Well, I have tooled you down without a slip, Haven’t 1? Hartington. Humph! ou’re such a Jehu! closish thing aught but donkeys. ’ Granville. Well, the sly contriver Of the sweet joke of leaving us une asa mad wag. A Mammoth’s teeth might crunch p PR Indian Pasty. a a artington. ancy ge g m On this South-African——D ’ye call it ary ? Some precious narrow shaves. ’ He who never braves will never make a driver

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\y » . SS f VAST WA AY) | 4 THE DERD ' F Hartincton. “‘HULLO! HERE’S AgPRE | _ Gresy Queex. “ LET ME TELL YOUR FORTUNE, MY PRETTY GENTLEMAN. | FOR THAT OTHER PARTY!” | AH, YOU'VE A WICKED EYE! | Granvinte. “ INDIGESTIBLE, I’M APBAIL OF IT!” —

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DON PHARTVARI.—May 29, 1880. + a - > — sy) SEES 8S RICE SN /_ A —— : | -_-—__=—_—_—_ KX M, ' \ ’ \ \ \ . Dey ' ‘ } RBY LUNCH !! RE’S AJPRECIOUS LUNCH! IT WAS MEANT Harcovar. “I SAY, YOU FELLOWS, DO GIVE US SOME WINE! I’VE JUST # WALKED OVER!” Curtpers. “WELL, YOU WON'T LIKE THE FLAVOUR OF THIS TAP!— ALMOST AS BAD AS HALL’S ENTIRE!” I’M AFRAID~BUT WE MUST MAKE THE BEST ——-

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| Hi ee ee ee ee eee el) ee i ee VW

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May 29, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 249 Grant Duff. Or this confounded Cyprus, or bad Porte. Gipsy (aside). Crab it and swallow it! Just like your sort! Better than Gladstone Claret. tone. Well, we ’re here. And though the prog ’s unwholesome, tipple queer— Here’s luck, dear boys! No heel-taps, no wry faces! Next year, J’ll cater. Gipsy (aside). Yah! At next year’s races You mayn’t be in it, p’raps. You can’t tool steady. The ’osses have begun to shy already. (Aloud, to Gladstone.) My pretty Gentleman, do let me try To tell your fortune. You’ve a wicked eye! Gladstone (solemnly). Ribald impostor, hush! Harcourt (peremptorily). Now, you get out! Gipsy ( jeeringly). You can’t get in / Is moved off. Gladstone (briskly). Well, put the wine about! ’Tis just seven years since we were here together. And though the lunch is queer, ’tis glorious weather ! [Left making the best of it. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. TavurspaAY, May 20.—To-day the new Coach started for the Session from the Queen’s Head, St. Stephen’s, Westminster, with everything in spruce, spick, and span order; WumtwiaM, the old whip, on the box; Harrrneron as guard, to look after the drag; the way-bill satisfactory, every seat booked, and all, let us hope, promising and presaging a pleasant and prosperous season | To be sure, there have been a i. > of spills, before starting,— but what is that among so many ? arcoukT has got a “leg up” already, and M‘Laren, let us hope, won’t have to wait for one long. The Queen’s Speech?—Well, it was dull in prose—in e — can’t promise it will be livelier, though shorter it y 8 eC. With the Treaty of Berlin we no more will play the fool, But mean to insist on a little less cry, and a little more (Berlin) wool; To which end with the Powers of Europe we hope to concert measures, And not wait, any more, on the Sultan’s and Pashas’ wills and pleasures: And, lest this should not suit Layarp, we have had the notion Of converting Stamboul, that land of dearth into a land of EN. For the Afghanistan mess we ’ll rig the best stays that can be rigged for it; Look into the Indian Deficit, and see who ought to be wigged for it. Do what we can in South Africa to promote Confederation, And not take our hand off the Transvaal, through regard for that favoured nation. Trade let us hope, is looking up, though the revenue doesn't show it. That we ’ve little time left for making laws, I need hardly say, as you know it. But we mean to — keep Irish peace without measures of coercion, chiefly serve Seeing that they *gainst the law to keep up aversion. We hope to bury the Burials row, by giving Dissenters permission To be anywhere with the forms for which they make provision, We must renew the Ballot Act, and if Time but gives us tether, We mean to give “fur” to the Tenants, while keeping the Landlords in Fix employers’ ] for d to those th loy ; And ote ail And in Ireland who bath votes = AN here enjoy. Sach is about the sum and substance of Hex Maszsrr’s gracious over which the Ins and the Outs sat down, like Millennial Lambs, for a playful picking of holes that was more like was the usual Moving and Seconding of the in the Lords by Lord Exar livelily, and by Lord 4 Bese i Z, if; Sanp lamely: in the Mr. ALBERT Grey, gaily and glibly and Mr. Hue Mason gi and grimly; and then the Duke of Sot hones and Lord’ ipaptenras. in the Lords, did the due of warning and verbal criticism, provoking the pleasant coun’ ing that might be anticipated from 80 & master of the noble art of self-defence as Lord GRANVILLE. same offices of the ing night were discharged in the Sir Sraryorp Norrucore for Her Majesty’s ba bo for Her Majesty’s Government. " m Power insisted on interrupting the harmony of silly Amendment, turning on the omission from the to the Irish Landlord-and-Tenant difficulty, even Mr. PaRwetn, that no dealing with Saris coal ve been in yy get th m justify their exist- e ust eaathing ieee © they a 47 to 300. non Ope ad © othem. Let them, by a wae ae motto ‘‘ Divide et non impera !” , Folly for Folly. AccorDrne to a telegram from Berlin :— * The Czar has forbidden the inhabitants of Libau to export wheat to If the E of Curva is a t fool, perhaps he wil forbid the inhabiten ts of the Celestial Pm pire to ex] Mt tea to Russia But the Chinese monarch is too wise to ponaeees be ins or other stupid counsellors to make worse, by — to self-depriving Retaliation under the name of ADOLPHUS ON THE DERBY, s i ~ vee Oa > THERE are some things—aw—don’t you know, That tax a fellah’s brains to spot. : Horse-racin’ now’s a sort of show * > Geese That’s really little short of rot. ANY be ~s Le ee e course, Their flanks all shinin’ in > ag There’s n ’ prettier than a horse— my! ’raps @ pret 1 ith tebe an skin, And -brown hair inclined to curl, —aw—hum, well—and lots of tin! But if a fellah’s got a fad To run his nag for stakes or fun, Why need a beastly howlin’ cad Keep yellin’ “‘ Two to one bar one” ? ane Shy should pale quill-drivin’ snobs, th | knees and pimply gills, ‘Who don’t racin’ tits from cobs, — Come here in droves to chew their quills ? Of course the pimples ain’t their faults ; But chemists live in all the towns. Why don’t they take some Epsom Salts, And keep away from Epsom Downs? Then gipsies singin’. Well, that’s right— Horse-chantin’ is their reg’lar trade ; But why should sportsmen take delight In hearin’ niggers serenade ? Black-legs, now, might be in the race, And sportsmen’s hands ain’t always clean ; But what’s a dirty lamp-black face SS To do with Horse? hat does it mean ie The three-card trick’s all very well ; a Aunt Sally, too, wants skill and force ; But will some fellah kindly tell What's all this got to do with Horse? Tue Sreaicurest or Trrs.—The Toe’s—for a Tout.

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29, 1880. May PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | ul NAc aRTAMNT iim) Mn i) DN MT —* 4) bt A9, Vig na An L (lla IZ by A ~ nay | | SS i PL moO ih ee tN oe “eur "ee a= zz ‘ Vege Pr) u WZ Ze ld sear THE OLD JOCK UP AGAIN.

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THE OLD JOCK UP AGAIN. May 29, 1880. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 251 SAS RSRAD RCE R 4 2 — st ee SS —— Ss PE —— —— eS ee - —— ~ ———————"" — a ~ openemarrena “iL FAUT SOUFFRIR POUR ETRE BELLE!” THE ScENE DEPICTED ABOVE IS NOT 80 TRAGIO AS ONE MIGHT SUPPOSE. IT MERELY REPRESENTS THAT BEST OF HUSBANDS, JONES, HELPING THE LOVELY Mrs. J. TO DIVEST HERSELF OF HER JERSEY. THE OLD JOCK UP AGAIN. Mr. Punch (Trainer) loquitur :— WELL, WILLIAM, my plucky old man, I am glad To see you once more in the saddle, of course ; But I hope you ’ll make use of the lesson you ’ve had ; And not take too much, toe svon, out of your horse. Old Jock as you are, you’ve still need of the bit, Take my tip ; he’s a donkey good counsel who spurns. Mind, steady ’s the word when you steer the old tit, And don’t rush your hills, and hold hard at the turns! | some stronger soporific, and on the other si You ’ve “‘ The Rad” to make running, he’s good for the pace, | With young CHAMBERLAIN up, but he’s only a boy ; Don’t trust ’em too much, or they ’ll risk you the race ; Your own judgment and nerve you will have to employ. Don’t be in a hurry to squander the field ; The course is a stiff one, your weight isn’t light. There ’ll be stayers behind who, be sure, will not yield Without costing your colours a resolute fight. Then the Irish Horse, Wrnt1am, beware of that brute! If he cannons he may knock you out of your stride. ParneEtt has the mount, but I don’t think he’! suit; I’ve not yet seen the Jock who Green Erin could ride. Recollect that last spill, and be wary, dear WILL ; We all know your prowess, none questions your pluck : But ‘‘ tis doggéd as does it,” and strength without skill Will not pay in the long run. Now off, and here’s luck! Idea for an Ejisteddfodd. Mr. Fivetten Ap Tuomas, has offered a prize of five-and-six- mee, and a cheese, for the best invective to be composed in the ymric language in the form of an Ode against the impropriety of from the Visitors TO ANASSTHESIA—SURE IF NOT SHORT CUTS, Dear Poncn, I sex a correspondence in the columns of one of your con- temporaries about ‘‘Insensibility to Anesthetics.” It was commenced by a Gentleman writing to say that “laughing gas” had no power to send him to sleep. This is not sur ny 9 Why does he not try e of his mouth? Here is a list of excellent Anwsthetics quite at his service—the serious instead of the laughing order. . Sitting under the occupants of nine out of ten suburban ulpits. ' 2° Trying to attend to the reading of a night’s papers at the Royal Society, or attemptin to listen to a lecture at the Royal Institution Gallery on a crowded Friday night. ie 3. Half an hour in the Patent Department of the South Kensington useum, 4. An hour of solitary meditation in the Diploma Gallery at Burlington House. 5. Two hours with the Plaster Casts at the Crystal Palace. 6. An hour devoted to the contemplation of the Fish Tanks at the Westminster Aquarium. The use of any one of these soporifics, or, at worst, any two of them taken in succession, should produce a state of utter insensibility. If, however, the patient by some inexplicable peculiarity of tempera- ment still remain unaffected, let him take a course of two columns ata sitting of educational articles in any paper, daily or weekly, and if he does not then go to sleep, never again call me Yours, knowingly, Wipe Awake. An UwnpLeasant Reminper.—The strictest orders have been calling an insolvent sporting rogue and vagabond a ‘‘ Welcher.” issued, that no Ministerial Hamper at Epsom this week is to contain anything in the shape of a wich.

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LONDON CHARIVARL [Mar 29, 1880, ’ RATHER TOO MUCH OF A TREASURE. **AND WHY DID rou LEAVE Your Last Lady (engaging Parlour-Maid). Piace}” Candidate (bridling). *‘ Wu1cn I WERE ConsIDERED Too Goop Looxinec, Mum! — VISITORS WAS ALWAYS A TAKIN’ ME FOR Missis, Mom !! ” A FEW RACY PROVERBS. One man may take a horse to Epsom, but twenty won’t make him win. It is a long course that has no turning. It is the early tout that picks up the tips. R. little knowledge of horse-racing is a dangerous thing. What ’s the odds so long as you’re happy ? Too many starts spoil the horse. The better the race, the better the steed. One man’s horse takes another man’s poison. Every Derby day has its dog. Think before you bet. One man may back a horse, when another may not be able to hedge. Be the race short, or be the race long, A fool’s book isn’t worth an old song. Your money on the right horse. The worst of steeds must start. The proof of the hamper is in the luncheon. No horse like a dark horse. *s many a slip ’twixt the spur and the whip. A betting man dreads the wire. Least laid is soonest paid. Set a a" catch a Jockey. Turf tries all. Beaconsfield to the Rescue ! PuncH_ congratulates the Great Educator on the spirit of his address to his discomfited pupils at Bridgewater House on the 19th. Never was the ‘‘ magic of patience ”’ better inculcated, or more necessary. This is true Con- servatism—whose motto should be, ‘‘ Keep your temper. bide your opportunity, and conserve your patience till you can put it to profit.” Such is Lord BEaconsFIeLp’s litical strategy, briefly stated. Well may Lord EACONSFIELD believe in ‘‘ the Conservative working- man.” Is he not himself the most working man among Conservatives, the most Conservative among working men ? A Hrxt ror Goscnen.—To close the Eastern Ques- tion—Fermez la Porte ! JUST IN TIME. Mr. Puncu has reason to believe that at the moment when the criminal responsible for thelate ou at University College, Oxford, confessed his guilt, the Head of the llege had under consideration the following “ List of Pains and Penalties,” with a view to the maintenance of discipline amongst the men under his control. They will now be reserved for further consideration. CRIME. PUNISHMENT. Aqesesing in the High at pro- Deprivation of pudding in Hall hibited hours without a cap and or three days. gown. Refusing to attend Lectures. A wigging from the Head for the first offence ; a box on the ear by the Senior Tutor in Camera for the second ; and res- toration of the medieval punish- ment of the rod in Hall before the Head and assembled mem- bers of the College for every repetition of the outrage. Five days in the corner behind the high table during dinner : F | time. Applying for an “‘ eager” without Bread and milk for a month, sufficient reason. | with daily confinement in the ; Scout’s cupboard. Omitting te cap a Proctor. Immediate expulsion. Speedy diffusion of the news of the dis- grace in all the leading papers, and infliction of a fine of £100 to £300 upon the culprit’s parents, according to their | means. Daring to smile impudently in the | Too terrible for publication ! face of the Perrine fr | ’ Missing morning chapel. SOLDIER AND SUTOR. Ture lately appeared in the Zimes this characteristic example of “ CAVALRY CRITICISM. “ Srr,—On looking at the equestrian statue of Lord Narzer of Magdala (No. 1585) at the Royal Academy, I observe that the spur on his right heel is buckled in an impossible manner, the tongue being downwards instead of upwards. This will offend the eye of every cavalry soldier who looks at it, and has not even escaped that of “ Your obedient Servant, * May 16.” “YEOMANRY ADJUTANT.” Though the writer of this is, as he would modestly say, ‘‘ only.” an Officer of Yeomanry, his criticism is worthy of any Cavalry Officer of the Line. The true military eye is ever apt to be offend by any mistake in details of such immense importance as a buckle or aibutton. This is quite right, so long as the gallant heroes stop there. It is to be hoped that the ‘‘ Yeomanry ApsuTant” will be wise enough not to go beyond his spur in any future criticism he may venture on. Probab y Mr. Bora knows as much about spurs and buckles as he does, and may have something to say on his view of this important question. Topsy-Turvex Cosmocony (Evolutionist’s Motto).—‘‘’Spects I grow’d.” Nore ror Tuts Merry Montu or May.—Lilac lacking. Cutpa Nostra.— Punch owes, and hastens to pay, an apology to one for whom he feels the highest respect, Gzorce Error. It was another Lady bearing the name of Mrs. G. i. Lawns, who lately married a Mr. Cross. Punch regrets that a paragraph connecting Gzorcg ExioT’s name with that marriage should have found a place in his columns. *,* Owing to press of matter, Mr. Punch is obliged to defer for this week the opening of ANTHONY DoLLop’s Novel, “* The Beadle.” @® To Comzmsronpants.— The Bditor does not hold hi:nself bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed y for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by 4 should be kept.

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June 5, 1880,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 253 FRED ON PRETTY GIRLS AND PICTURES. EAR Gus, I’m not top form at writing, but seeing you’re laid by the kg— Beastly bother that cropper on Bugler ! —that horse must have been a bad egg!— I will drop you some chat, as I promised. Don’t look for Tzp’s rattle, I beg! Awful fellow that Tep at his letters!— he writes for the Scanmag, you know; And his style never falls below par.” —Not my joke, heard him putting 1t so— And the “pars” in the Scanmag—he does them—are proper, and chock Cul ea Pees tage d through y paper I care to grin , never preachy, or gushing, or slow ! ‘* Terse and tart!” is Tzp’s motto, he says; and he does touch ‘em up, Gus, indeed! ‘‘The Slow is the only Gehenna that’s | left in Society's Creed ;” ‘ That’s another of Tzp’s apopth—Oh, come, I really can’t spell it, old man: Means maxims, you know. Well, 1 w.. think, having prowled from Beer- sheba to Dan, That Society isn’t far wrong. Dan, dear boy, was the Grosvenor, with me, And Beersheba was Burlington House, both as beastly slow holes as can be. Talk of valleys of Dry Bones! I tell you the specimens ‘* down in Judee,” Must have tows precious dry ito beat Bond Street on Saturday morning at ’ ‘““Why go?” Well, the Scraggington girls, who are nuts upon “ motives” and tones,— Who goin for wasp-waists and Rosett1—though he’s a bit ‘‘fleshly,”” Betz owns, (Which is very much more than she is, for her flesh scarcely covers her bones,) And gush till their eyes grow like saucers concerning that fellow Borng Jones— Are up, and [ have to escort them, worse luck! Oh, dear boy, how I gape! Why there isn’t one out of the three has a bit more of sense than of shape. If one of those paint-spilling chaps had a mpage) to pose and to drape With a few yards of tight-twisted serge, BELL would beat it for slimness and angles. I give you my word I’m so sick of her sausage-skin dress and her bangles, Her voice which is always a gasp, and her hair which is always in tangles, I’d like, yes, by Jingo, to dose her with one of Medea’s worst messes, Or choke the last ‘‘oh!” from her thurax with one of her own snaky tresses. Art’s rot. I’ve arrived at that sweeping conclusion by rigorous roads, And I’ll stick to it, Gussy, my boy, though they prod me with critical goads., Pretty girls, nicely painted, I grant you, are all very well, in their way, Though one pretty girl on your arm is worth twenty on canvas, J say ; But the deuce of it is they aren’t pretty, these painters’ she-creatures. A hag With a face like a sea-sick consumptive’s, a neck that’s a regular scrag, For a beauty is rather too rich ; sets a fellow adrift to be told, By a similar guy in the flesh,—what there is of it—open and bold, That the pea-green presentment is Psyche or Venus. It strikes me, dear boy, Though classical trash and stone figures are things I could never enjoy, Those Greek fellows were far better form than to worship a woman venee skin Was the colour of stale sorrel soup, and whose hand was as limp as a fin. No, the painters can’t paint pretty girls. As for anything else, such as pigs, And babies, and buttercup gatherers, buffers in full-bottomed wigs, Rustics, female and male, digging things, in a style in which Hopes never digs, As though they were pused for a tableau, and stockingless chits dancing jigs, Historical Swells in their war-paint, and landscapes all wheel-rucks and twigs— It’s all boned and butter and bunkum. Dare say there’s some use for a saint, P’raps even for babies and boors, but I really don’t think it’s to paint. Bad enough to put up with such bores in the flesh, but to hang them in rooms, Where elbow squend*a not tobe had, and the skirts brush the dust up like brooms, Till the small of one’s back is one ache, and one’s neck has a horrible crick,— Oh, it’s just purgatorial penance, a draw in advance on Old Nick ! Art’s rot! Give me Nature, dear boy, wearing ‘‘ Sixes” but pretty and plump. The ge is that girls dress up now to the daubs of each Zaded igh Art ump. The lemon and sunflower lot, sour and gawky like Gwenpa and Grapys, They ’re two ofjthe ington girls—erack-jaw names the last finical fad is— Are out of the race by a mile. I was looking with one. at a smudge,— At least so the thing seemed to me, though I do not pre- tend I’m a judge,— **How supremely intense!” groans the girl. ‘‘ How intensely disgusting!” says I. ““You’re a Philistine, Fxep!” she remarks, with no end of contempt in her eye. “But what is the subject?” ‘Oh! subject, in Art, is no object,” she said. “*Gad, Giapys,” | cried, ‘there you’re wrong, you are putting the tail for the head ; “* Tshould say such an object as that is no subject for Art.’”’ But, dear boy, A man with a fresh-broken leg is not likely this trash to enjoy. We are going to Bond Street again, almost envy you stretched on your bed ; Four hours of Makaxt and Burne-Jones beats a fracture! Yours, wearily, FRED. FIRES IN SURREY. *Anry’s Spring depredations are confined to the haw- thorns and chestnuts. But Surrey is worse than ’ARRY, Its roughs are firing its commons, setting the gorse blazing over hundreds of acres, and leaving a blackened waste, where but now all was spring green and golden blossom. This is mischief all the more irritating that it is either wanton and malicious, or the mask ot other mischief more insidious and demoralising if less conspicuous. Some say that these fires are the work of poaching rogues who take this means of drawing keepers and cottagers in one direction, that they may pursue their little game of stealing pheasants’ eggs in another. Others say it is the work of labvurers irritated by curtailment of common privileges enjoyed so long that they had assumed the character of rights in the eyes of those who used them. In any case these fires leave ugly scathes and scars on the face of the country at its fairest, and, worst of all, within the range of sume of Punch’s favourite walk- ing and sketching haunts, all about Durking, and Leith Hill, and Holm wood, with their wild stretchesof fir-forest, and gorsy common, and lovely birch and beech copse. Only the other day we heard of a painter—a friend of the human race—whose hvuse at "os sal was with difficulty saved from the black jaws of one of these Surrey incendiary fires, If only Punch could light upon the sneaking kindlers of these fires, how he would like to iuflict summary justice on them, before handing them over to Mr. Haxp- wAN, the excellent Chairman of the Surrey Bench—the harder the man the better fitted to deal with such rascals ! Punch would be almost tempted to pitch a few of the scoundrels into their own fires. That would be at least giving bits uf the waste to feed the flames! PICKPURSES. From some recent correspondence it appears that the thieves in our thoroughfares have lately turned their especial attention to ‘“‘purse-snatching.” For this ladies are described as offering every facility by a habit they have lately adopted of carrying their purses in their hands as they walk the streets. One ob- server declared that he and a friend. in the course of a walk from the Army and Navy Club to Grosvenor Square, counted no less than seventeen ladies thus carrying their purses, This fashion may have been sug- xested by the example of the legendary little pigs that ran about ready-roasted crying, ** Come, eat me!” Bo, **Come, pick me!” is the cry of these purses in their fair owner’s hands. Wearing your heart on your sleeve, for daws to peck at, is a practive which Othel/o con- demus. What would the Moor have said to carrying your purse in your hand, fur London thieves to “ grab at?” Quoth the Basuto. * Aw J not a man and a brother?” Asked a Governor Punch could well spare. “‘ Nay,” said the Basutos ; ‘ quite t’other ; ’Tis by name, not by nature, you’re Frére.” VOL, LXXVIII Z

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 5, 1880, => Iq A LOVE-AGONY. 11} I) if thawih Ml Mall ie mt \ ' sid (hihi MA f Hy ties DESIGN BY MAUDLE. (With Verses by Jellaby Postlethwaite, who is also said to have sat for the Picture.) SS ] Ger Pas y > TAR GE ¢ SN eee ) 7 bY / ae “4 Zi i Yi A . = Ne wae MANY sb i Wm NM So an thou be, that faintest in such wise, With love-wan eyelids on love- wanton eyes, Fain of thyself! I faint, adoring thee, RONDEL. Yea, lo! for veriest fainness faint I, Sweet, Of thy spare bosom, where no shadows meet, And small strait hip, and weak delicious knee ! Shepherd art thou, or nymph, that ailest there? Lily of Love, or Rose? Search they, who care, Fain of thy kisses, fainer of thy sighs, Yet fainest, love! an thou wert fain of me, So an thou be! { The Colonel declares that the whole thing makes him sick. more anon, For joy thereof I swoon, and my pulse-beat Is as of one that wasteth amorously, | So an thou be! Thy likeness fora sign! For, verily, Naught reck I, Fairest, so an thou be but Fair! E’en as he recks not, that hath limnéd thee, So an thou Be! Grigsby, we regret to say, has set J. P.’s poen to music of his own—whereof ATHEISTS AND ASSES. (Considerations for the Collective Wisdom A MAN who imagines and declares himself an Atheist most pro- a does but believe he disbelieves that which in truth he only oubts. lf he has any doubt concerning the belief he denies, then, in so far as it is doubtful to him, he must fear it may be true, and be pro- portionately afraid to tell a lie. He must necessarily have some doubt about Atheism unless he is a dugmatic Atheist. : ; A dogmatic Atheist is the only thorough Atheist possible. To be capable of being a dogmatic Atheist, a man must be the most unreasoning of dogmatists. In other words, he must be the greatest of fools. A ny genuine, dogmatic Atheist is therefore a very un- common fool indeed. How often do you suppose you have ever met with one? If you have to deal with such an out-and-out Atheist, how are you to discover his Atheism, if he doesn’t choose to let it out? He can keep it to himself and hold his tongue. Query: What if you altogether abolished oaths, and, for the oath, in every case where it is now pouaiess. substituted a simple adjura- tion to speak the truth? Is it likely that the number of lies told, and false declarations made, would be increased so much as by one ? Tue Eastern Question.— What Next ? DIARY OF A FRENCH AMBASSADOR TO ENGLAND. Monday.—Left Paris for London. Traversée too horrible for description. Tuesday.—Too ill to attend to business. Secretary to excuse me until to-morrow. ; Wednesday.—Just starting for Downing Street when I received a telegram from President, requesting my immediate attendance in Paris. Traversée, if possible, more terrible than before. Thursday.—Too ill to attend to business. Requested the President to excuse me until to-morrow. Friday.—Request from the President that I will go back to Lon- don immediately. Purposely missed the train, which would have been but the prelude to another traversée too horrible for description. Saturday.—I see now why no Frenchman will retain the Ambas- sadorship to London a day longer than he is absolutely compelled to do so. Resigned, accepted the Presidentship of the Senate, and escaped for ever more traversées too horrible for description ! Requested the Foreign The Common Lot. Portvcat has had one great poet, CamoEns. She has been accused of not appreciating him. A most unjust charge. She has awarded him the normal treatment of great poets. After denying him bread in his lifetime, she is now giving him a stone, in the form of a splendid Tercentenary resting-place for his poor old bones ! Notice Grven or A New Sranpine Orver (by Mr. Punch).— That every Member shall be enabled to sit down.

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June 5, 1880,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. i MN 1 Sa WE. a } ; , tes { NM 8a = aw | Aires ‘ Wy a OW \\\ae \ \\\ i \\ | Y \ \\ CHOICE OF EVILS. Duckwidge and Pottles meet. Many years had passed since they were at School and College together. Duckwidge invites Pottles to Dinner ‘‘in a quiet way.”’ Duckwidge. “ Now WHAT WILL YOU DRINK, PotTtREs! WE HAVES BERE 80ME”’—(holding Decanter against the light)—‘' Yes, THIS 1s ‘East Lonpon’—tTHatT By you, I THINK, 1s ‘New River.’ Peraaps you TAKS SpaARKLING——” (to Serving Maid.) “ Many, Dip YOU BRING UP THE SELTZER AND ApoLL——” (Pottles gesticulates dissent.) ‘“‘No? Wet, I assuRE you You’LL Finp THAT ‘ New RIVER’ AN EXOEEDINGLY PLEASANT—AH—WATER ! !”’ (‘* By Heavens,” as Pottles said at the Club that night, *‘ the man was an irreconcilable Lawsonite/ /” | THE PROPOSED VOLUNTEER REVIEW IN HYDE PARK. | SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST. W.O.C. 14,000,147. Times Advertisement :—‘‘ Governess required. English, French, Frecp-Mars#at Poncn, having been informed that the Volun-| German, Music. Liberal salary.” - teers desire to hold a Grand Review in Hyde Park, begs to say that|, Three hundred applications received. Fifty chosen ones are he cannot give his consent to the proposal unless the Citizen Soldiers | invited, to be interviewed. agree to be bound by the following regulations :— Advertiser (addressing her anzious selection) :— 1. Field Artillery on no account to be allowed to unlimber their| ‘‘ All those who are over twenty-seven may retire.” ( Ezeunt ten. guns on the flower-beds. ‘*All those who do not profess the higher mathematics may 2. Battalions of Infantry, unable to find room elsewhere, not to | retire.” Exeunt fifteen. be permitted to form up in the Serpentine unless due precautions| ‘* All those who do not undertake the rudiments of Latin may are taken to save the water-fowl from unnecessary alarm. retire.’”’ [ Ezxeunt fire. 3. Light Horse, who may get mixed up with carriages in the| ‘All those who are not prepared to teach counterpoint and Drive, to be subject to the usual traffic regulations under the direc- | harmony may retire.” _ | Exeunt ten, torship of the police. ** All those who do not undertake to ground in oil and water- 4. Regimental Bands finding difficulty in securing sufficient space | colour painting may retire.” {Ezeunt seven, leaving three. during the march-past of their corps not to take up positions in| Advertiser. ‘I offer five-and-twenty pounds.” ; me — adjoining the saluting-point, without the consent of the [Ezxeunt two, leaving one, face to face with the liberal salary ! ark-keepers. If the Volunteers agree to the above rules, Field-Marshal Puncu sas will be glad to see them reviewed in Hyde Park—if they can find no Nihilism Next the Throne. place better suited for the purpose : Here is what comes of marrying a Russian Princess! We read in By Order (signed) Tony, D A.G. The Cork Constit«tion of W y, May 26 :— Intelligence Department, War Office, Pall Mali. ‘The Duke of Edinburgh will be in command of the fleet of ironclad const- June 1, 1880, guard vessels that are to cruise next month for revolutionary purposes. After this, what are we to expect but Ireland ‘‘ up” for Home- Rule, and the Duke of Eprysunen at the head of it, with Panwect THOSE WHO RUN MAY READ. as his Prime Minister ! A Proctamation of Mr. Grapsrone’s ‘‘ Hands off” Policy. The : ’ face of the Westminster Clock under repairs. ‘*Verp Antiqve.”’—Ripe old Stilton.

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256 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juxe 5, 1880. THE BEADLE! oR, THE LATEST CHRONICLE OF SMALL-BEERJESTER. BY ANTHONY DOLLOP. Author of “‘ The Chronicles of Barselishire,” “ Beerjester Brewers,” “The Halfway House at Aleinton” “‘ Thorley Farm for Cattle,” °* Family Parsonage,” ‘The Prying Minister,” ** Pearls before Swine, or, Who Used his Diamonds?” * Rub the Hur,” *‘ The Way We Dye Now.” “ Fishy Fin,” “ Fishyas Wilduz,” *‘ Dr. Thorne and David James,” “' Star and Garter, Richmond,” “* Rachel Hooray !” “ The Jellies of Jelly,” ** The Bertrams and Roberts,” “ , Se Pye-Anna,” * Tails of Ali Creatures,” “’ Arry ’Otspur,” “ Mary ily,” ** Vicar of Pullbaker,” “ MeDermott of Bailadsingerun,” “ Can't You Forget Her?” “ He Knew He Could Write,” &c., &c. CHAPTER I. Deepier’s Trvst, somniferous effect of their intoning — conducted the singing. It had certain duties attached to it which prevented it from being an absolute sinecure, while, to add to its emoluments, there was nothing in the original charter to interfere with its occupant’s holding at the same time several other lucrative offices. And thus it came to pass, that, at the time of the commencement of our story, Mr. Srmony Scupier, who havi been privately ordained, so as to be duly qualitied for any ece seinotieel preferment that might be offered him, was not only Beadle of Small-Beerjester Cathedral, but was also Verger-in-Chief, Professional Chief Mourner or Clerk of the Corse, and Percentor of the Cathedral. This last oflice—which is quite distinct, and not to be confuunded with that of Precentor— constituted him ex officio Master of Deedler’s Trust, the celebrated charitable foundation of Small- Beerjester. Now there are peculiar cireumstances connected with the Percen- torship of this Cathedral which must be explained. [t is through his hands that all the avcounts of the Cathedral expenses, both out- goings and incomings, must pass; he receives certain fees on all appointments; taxes all the salaries; accommodates the Bishop and dignitaries with petty cash for cab-hire, fourpenny-bits for tips to porters, and temporary loans at a fixed rate of interest; he may change the choristers’ notes at a small discount; he is entitled to a per-centage on the letting of all the stalls in the Cathedral—of which a box-plan is kept at the Poor-Box Office ; he receives another considerable per-centage on the entrance fees paid to Vergers, and on all gate-money ; and is the only person legally empowered to take toll from the Cathedral Bellringers, and mitted to sell the com- mission of Triple Bob Major in the Bellringers’ Volunteer Corps to the highest bidder. And, besides all these sources of emolument, which make the Percentorship valuable, it is associated with the Mastership and administration of Deedler's Trust, to which I have Say and the history of which must now be presented to my readers. In 1300 there “died at Rael Rettacer one JEREMIAH DEEDLER, who had made his money in the town by card-sharping. The sheepish persons whom he had to the greatest extent were the objects of his continual ridieule, and were termed ‘‘ Deedler’s Butts” ; but many others of his fellow-townsmen sought his instruction in the Confidence Trick, and, becoming his pupils and apprentices, were thenceforth styled ‘‘ Deedler’s Pack.” JzREmran himself was most hospitable, and, if any strangers visit- ed the town, he was always ready to take them in ; as he was invariably at home, and never found out. In his latter days he pur- chased some eccle- siastical er- ment, was known far and wide as “‘The Knave of the Cathedral ;” to which was added the proud title of *“*The Lord of the Aisles.”’ es. So when he died he bethought him of the Butts and the Pack, and left _ ae and ae or the tt) Afty-two Gk ame, thirteen of whom should be superannnated Card-sharpers, and the others per- petual Butts. He also appointed two houses for them to live in; the larger, to accommodate the Butts, being called the Almshouse ; and the other, for the superannuated Card-sharpers, the ; and having thus arranged for the Alms and the Legs, he further appointed that the Master's residence should be ag & And, as late in life, he himself, in consideration of his wealth, had been made Pereentor of the Cathedral, he willed that thenceforth the Mastership of Deedler’s Trust should go with the Cathedral Percentorship. It was much to be The Beadle of Small-Beerjester ; it was still more to be Beadle, Percentor, and Master of Deedler’s Trust, with all the advantages. We believe that Mr. Smmony Sowpxer, in his quiet, unostentatious way, enjoyed this position amazingly, and did not grudge himself one single farthing of his well-gotten receipts. Who has not felt the same ? Who has not been glad to receive four- teenpence for his shilling, and pocketed the change without a murmur? Change is essential to everyone, and the more we have of it the better for all of us; so we won’t quarrel with kind, conscien- tious Mr. Smeprer for accepting all he could get, saying nothing to anybody, and pouching every penny that was placed in his hands. We must remember that Deedler’s Trust itself arose out of the con- fidence which was reposed in DeepLER by his fellow-townsmen, about whom there was a good deal of repose, while the pious Founder wae pent invariably wide opel. » daily. which e fifty-two pensioners received sixpence-halfpenny daily, whic the old Butts were allowed to lose, if they liked, to the superannuated Card-sharpers, or at the end of every week to play so many games at Loo, limited strictly to eighteenpence,—and all games to finish at midnight on Saturday, on pain of a heavy fine, which there and then would be paid to the Master. The prosperity of such an establishment is not surprising, and the aed had increased to an almost fabulous extent when Mr. rmony Srmp_er had been appointed to the Mastership through the powerful influence of his son-in-law, Archbeacon OVERWAYTE, who when Curate of St. Wunstun-the-Less, had fallen in love with and married the elder of the Beadle’s daughters, named respectively NEVALEEN and MoRLEENA. In other dioceses than that of Small- jester the office held by Dr. OvERWAYTE would have been termed ‘* Archdeacon,” but here in Small-Beerjester, the chief ecclesiastical luminary, after the Bishop, is by special charter called an Archdeacon. Archbeacon OvERWAYTE was a magnificent man, well-built, up- standing, with a grip of his walking-stick that showed strong determination of character; and when, clad in his waterproot gaiters, which outlined the classic contour of two such sturdy calves as no one could hardly expect to see out of the neighbourhood of Cowes, he strode from one side of the street to the other, the inhabit- ants of Small-Beerjester, eyeing his ecclesiastical antigropelos with reverent amazement, found a place for him in their imaginations as a mighty wonder of the world, and exclaimed as with one voice, ** This is the Goloshes of Roads!” Dr. OvERWAYTE was by no means a bad man; neither was hea heavy or a dull man; but he exactly the solidity and brilliancy requisite for the position he oceupied in that part of the See over which he had to shed a lustre. Though he himself never descended from his elevation for such duties as it seemed to him his inferior Clergy could do for him, and though he

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June 5, 1880. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 257 sshia could throw a light on all such parochial questions as his i » yot it was might choose to bring within the circle he illumina especially as an Archbeacon that he shone. : hen the Archbeacon put down his foot, and uttered one of his favourite expressions, ‘‘On my soul,” everyone knew he meant what he said. and more ; for he put down his foot as firmly as if he intended to pat down something he considered a nuisance, and it was to many a wonder that a man even of his inches had got one foot remain- ing, so often had he put it down. But these good folks forgot that the Arch- beacon invariably t down his right foot, FD nd whatever — happen to na, he had always one ett. In consequence of this habit of planti firmly, the Archbeacon’s Garden was a curious and interesting sight. He had planted his feet so often, and so successfully, that Sy on bothsides of his favourite Ne ‘yi garden - walk there had sprung up quite an avenue of boot-trees. Under their shadow he and his father-in-law, the Beadle, would walk gravely up and down discussing the affairs of Small-Beerjester. No two men could be porany by physically and mentally, than are the Archbeacon and his father-in-law. Mr. Stony Sympxer isa small man, now verging on sixty years; but though verging on this age, no one ever mistakes him for a Verger : is rather greasy than grizzly; his eyes so mild and watery, that he is compelled to carry glasses. At his age a couple of glasses is quite as much as he can carry, and these are generally fixed on the bridge of his nose, while his eyes are fixed on the tip—which is too small for him ever to dream of giving any of it away, even at Christ- mas time, to the Bishop’s Butler—and this obliquity of vision pre- vents him from ever ing a clear and distinct sight. His hands are those of a scholar, with quotations at his finger’s ends; when not officially attired, as the Reverend Esquire ell, or Beadle of Small-Beerjester, Mr. Sosony Soepter somewhat scandalises his more clerical brethren, 9 pearing in a brown-pot hat, with a red riband round it, into which is jauntily stuck a yellow feather, a colon shirt, grey knickerbockers, top-boots, and, though not addicted to tobacco, in any other shape than that of building three castles in the air, which end in smoke, he will insist on wearing what he calls a “‘ birds’-eye choker, to suit his wind-pipe.” His appointment to the Percentorship enabled him to indulge his taste for music to such an extent, that the Cathedral authorities said that a wise thing on their part would be to send his name in to the Dean, and let him be presented as Precentor, which office hap- pened to be vacant at the time. Mr. Smrpier, with characteristic modesty, accepted the situation, and at once selected twelve deaf old Pensioners from the Pensioners on Deedler’s Foundation, to whom he gave lectures on the Musie of the Ancient Hebrews, with admirable illustrations on the harp of that oppressed nation, which he handled with considerable skill. To him is due the introduction of the organ into the Cathedral services, the general improvement of Cocoa-fibre Matins, a little variety in the too-even-song, and the doubling the number of the Choristers, ociginaly twelve, who now appear in beautiful white linen every Sunday, much to the satis- faction of the Excellent Precentor, who asserts that there ought to be always twenty-four sheets in Quire. He has also composed ._ for State ecclesiastical occasions at Small-Beerjester, to be when, as Chief Verger of the Cathedral, he carries a silver poker before the Bishop, commencing with the line, ‘‘ As Verger clad.” The good me be very much attached to his old friend the Beadle- Verger; and whatever the ceremony may be, observes that ‘ He cannot stir without the poker.” In the evening the two old friends x re together,—the poker being the silver one, used officiall in the day-time. sit opposite each other, before the fire, an throw the poker to one another, until the Bishop’s wife, Mrs. Downrg, comes in a sends both the old men to bed. Being of Jouw Westey’s opinion, that the Devil all the Ps | tunes, the excellent Verger has written a me march, in ‘‘ Tempo di occasion. e has Nr - | Poker,’ which he considers suitable to the also composed a Cathedral Anti-pew-System his feet | his won. ought not to have Chorus, in Italian words, beginning,‘ Non Pew Minster.” From long practice on his favourite instrument, he has acquired a habit of playing an imaginary harp of the Hebrews, with both hands to his mouth, whenever he is troubled or worried; which, however, is not v Whether the Dean and Chapter catlncty enpvered of their Per- centor’s innovations, was a matter of no little dispute within the iastical circle of the town; but, after some consultation on tho pest of the above-mentioned authorities, the Dean came to the usion that it might be to wait for some favourable oppor- tunity for ing over a new “which,” he said, ‘“‘ we may be able to do at the conclusion of our present Chapter,” and which we also may do before the commencement of our next. > —= THE ROCK AHEAD, AND THE ROCK UNDER-FOOT. Powen, as the i ts, is, ‘oree, the aba Te upholder of eariet | vate ry een ih is the stone of Protestantism. corner ro . On stone stands Mr. Punch's Protestant faith alongside the Roman-Catholicism of Lord Rivon and the Atheism of Mr. Brapiaves. Every Protestant is bound to respect the absolutely unf liberty of opinion which in- vests all forms of belief or unbelief with the same inviolability as own. If Northampton chooses to elect Mr. Iconoctast Brapiaven to represent it in Parliament, and Mr. GLapstone chooses to select the Roman - Catholic ert Lord Ripon for Governor-General of India, Punch, as Protestant leader, and @ fortiori, every one of Punch’s Protestant followers is bound to accept the choice, without protest on the score of opinion. ‘ He may treat the opinions as indicating something he does not like in the men, but it is for that something, and not for the opinions, he should oppose them. vt U. indeed, the Ultra-Protestants of the National and Patriotic Clubs, are now, we are told, engaged in getting up demonstra- i in and out of Parliament, the appointment of the is of Rrpon to the Viceroyalty of India, are praered to go the of maintaining that adhesion to the Koman-Catholic Church is to be, ipso fi a disqualification for the office. In that case, they better move for the Repeal of the Roman- Catholic Emancipation Act at once, and go in for the resturation of the Test and Corporation Acts when they are about it. The one step is the sequel, logical and legislative, of the other. ; Your toleration of the opinions you don’t like in other people, is the essential condition of other people’s toleration of the opinions they don’t like in you. We, none of us, can have it all our own way; 80 we compromise by allowing everybody to have it his own way in religious or secular opinion. The right of private judgment is the principle of Protestantism. And the liberty of private judgment in the adoption of opinions is a bar to the right of public condemnation for the exercise of them. A BALLOON BELOW ZERO. (As proposed for the projected Expedition to the North Pole, at the General Sioning of the London Central Avetie Committee, held the other day at their offices, 107, Fleet Street.) Srve up in a Balloon in the cireum-polar Arctic Regions ! How can passion for discovery make aéronauts to go Where the temperature ’s enough to freeze Tierra-del-Fuegians— Thermometer for weeks and months chill zero far below ° H ‘boreans themselves defying paregoric Might dread that they would catch where the normal British nose Will, sure, have frozen out of it so much of its caloric —- ack Frost would grab at that, as well as fingers, ears, toes. Let me on bitter winter nights betwixt the sheets lie snoring, Or sit and smoke in by a fire of blazing coal ; Whilst I pity those adventurers who’ve northward gone exploring Up aloft in a Balloon, in the hope to reach the Pole ! Epricurvs CoppLes, Wanted One Ejusdem Farina. Let us hope that the election of Signor Fanuvi to the Presidency of the Italian Chamber of Deputies may help the clearing up of Italian Parliamentary difficulties, which seem even worse than our if we too had a Fantnt, he might help to a “' friendly Yet, per 8 Fan rry | Zulution” of the South-African difficulty, one of the worst of the ay damnosa hereditates left by Lord Beacons¥izLD’s Government to Mr. GLapstone’s.

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258 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jone 5, 1880, lA LAE el if 1 |) a — a RIVALS HOW CAME YOU HERE!” IN SOCIAL SUCCESS. Scenz— Staircase of Ducal Mansion. The Duchess at Home, ‘‘ Smali and Early.” Mrs. Jones (a new Beauty, with more surprise than pleasure). ‘‘ Wait, 1 wever/ Mr. and Mas, Robinson, OF ALL PEOPLE! ! AND Mrs. Robinson (a still newer Beauty). ‘‘ We prove, DEAR Mrs. Jongs. You DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU CAME ON Foor/” THE EUROPEAN CONCERT: OUR OVERTURE. A Dithyrambic Ode in distant imitation of Dryden. For harmony, for heavenly harmony, The universal cry is loud! Shall Europe a mere jostling crowd Of jarring atoms longer be ? Not so! A tuneful voice is heard on high (It is mellifluous GranvILLr’s). atone hath been drawn from jangling anvils, And | not nagging Nations yield Spite of the sneer oor of ~ ong BEACONSFIELD, To Music’s soft commision, And the mild Magic, bland as an emulsion, Of the smooth bdton-wielder, calmly sure Of the success of his new Overture What ions cannot mighty Music quell ? First-fiddle GoscnEen knows the score right well ; And if that tiresome turban’d cymbal-clasher Turn too o us, and try a smasher On sounding brass inopportunely, he Under ald th suasion’s screw must settled be ; Or should the Turk he stirred to passion— well, What passion cannot mighty Music quell ? The trumpet’s loud clangour Erst stirred France to arms, But hushed is her anger, For her Peace hath charms. The double double double beat Of the loud Russian drum, Is soothed to a mere murmur mild and sweet. (Who hints ’tis all a hum ?) i. the soft trill of the Italian flute Prejudiced ears perchance false notes discover, But Peace’s hopeful lover Swears ’tis as true as erst Amphion’s lute. The Austrian double-bass, (Suggestive of nought base, or double-dealing,) With the Teutonic Ophicleide soft stealing In happy y unison upon the ear, Shall lend the symphony a crowning grace. Can there be cause for fear That e’en a Bull of Bashan, or a Stentor, (Though for a Concert creatures somewhat queer,) ith coarse cacophony or careless jar Could aim to mar The adagio of such a gentle Mentor ? ad “I ! what art can teach, human voice can reach, That deft tft fiddle’s praise ? Notes inepicing | perfect love, Notes to make the nations raise Harmonies worthy of the choir above! GRANVILLE can tame to peace each warring race, And keep each player in his place, uacious of his wand : raps that i ie the as coane and _ hope: we not hope that lately y aoceens Will tune up sweetly at his mild po Sacto Till Peace shall wave her olive-branch before us, And all the Nations join with voice and hand, In one sublime harmonious grand chorus! Late the arch lord of vaunting phrase, Races to wrath did move ;

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= “2 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Joxe 5, 1880. THE ““EUROPEAN CONCERT.” TUNING-UP FOR THE ENGLISH OVERTURE.

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June 5, 1880.]

y FLATTERY. Artful Snip. ““Drar ue! OF THE ‘APOLLER Betviperg,’ Sin!” [Customer orders @ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261 Li A MORE SEATS AND SHORTER HOURS.

Very stne’nar, Sir !—rxacr’ SHE MEASUREMENT Mr. Punch with much sympathy for the poor sufferers, been studying, in his excellent contemporary the Lancet, some very painful revelations of the treat- ment of poor shop- trie, employed at the great Mercers’ i pers’, and other marts for the sale o women’s wares, or ‘‘ wears,” as the word should be spel so as to include both the garments of Lady-customers an the wear a tear of Ge shop-girls we ay rs When the cracking o a jok e is likely to help the re- moval of an abuse, Mr. Punch is content to crack his joke and await the results. But this subject of seats and shorter hours for shop-girls, Mr. Punch feels to be quite bepead a joke. thoughtlessness of the more or less fine Ladies— they are alike — who, by their patronage without protest help to a alive what is at once a petty torture the strong, a great sanitary evil for the weak, well as the unfeeling greed of employers who sanc- and superintend the torture, and perpetuate the for their own benefit, lie out of the pale of Punch’s try. He can be angry over it, but not pleasant. Public opinion has been directed to the matter. Science has si the mischief, and insisted on a . A country where humanity interposes on be- half of an over-driven cab-horse, will surely not go on suffering hard-working, weak and defenceless girls to driven to death with impunity. It is only in a per- tage of these shops that we come upon this inhuman practice—over-driving young women, and not allowing them the means of resting their weary limbs. Yes— is one other place in which seats are not allowed. That is the House of Commons, but there the torture is on one-half of the Members. In houses of HUT Ere i

But now they sing great GLapstowE’s praise In tones of all unwonted love! BEACONSFIELD’s “* Peace with Honour!” had its hour ; Time robs such sounding phrases of their power, Now W11.14m’s note of unison is heard, And Europe, heart and voiee, is stirred To love, and warble—like a bird!

BEFORE THE DAWN. (A Parliamentary Romance.) “The House is too small for its purpose, and the accommodation for Members, on a full night, is lamentably insufficient.”—Daily Paper. WIrtH a measured tread the night-watchman left the dark and now deserted Lobby of the Commons, and entered the House. All was hushed as lo! the stillness of the tomb, amd when the reflective official turned the gleam of his bull’s-eye wpon the worn — aoe leather to the empty benches, it was with a sigh of relief. “They have had another rongh night of it,” he murmured to him- self, “and some hundred and fifty of ’em must have sat on each other’s . Butit ’sovernow!” He picked up a velvet collar, some severed shirt-fronts, half an Ulster, and the wrecks of several hats as he spoke. ‘‘ Poor Gents,” he said, with a bitter smile, as he turmed over im the a these melancholy evidences of the previous night’s sharp struggle for seats, ‘‘ poor Gents, it ism’t right to serve ’em like this. Why, they ’d be better off in a cabman’s 7” There was no Speaker in the Chair now. He was net order for this flash of sarcasm; but a feeble ery of “ Hear! Hear!” that seemed to come from under one of the back Opposition benches, warned him that he was not alone. In another instant he had bounded over the table; and the piercing ray of his lantern was illuminating a dusky something that was now creeping out, slowly, on all fours, from under the fifth row of seats. To seize the intruder, hurl him to his feet on the floor of the House, to | the etropolis, and that Lond

the of employers repudiate such and inhumanity. Let the public, the in , look out for the shops in which these practices and confine their patron- age to them. Way even the most unfeeling employers practically that humanity, like honesty, is the best y, and act upon the principle. —— An Oxror> Myxgver. Perper ann Sarr (of the second Suit. | Earth).—Hancoyr? and Piimso... design ” exclai the Night-watchman, iptersagatively. ow continued the other, wearily, ‘‘I have been on my legs ever I was returned ; but I am determined to sit down at last. J have come early to secure a seat for to-morrow's debate |” = The Father of Roads. Pall WB Benctie, quoted by Mr. E. F. Frowen, was wrong i t Macapam, the Father of Koad-making, was a at Bristol. He was an active Ayrshire magis- trustee of roads, who wrote J.P. and D.L. after his name, and it was not till he was sixty years old that his attention was first turned to the investigation of the scientific principles of road- ie gon and ‘grandson—Mac Mac, and Mac Mac Mac-Apam— were gg made Surveyors-Gen of the Roads of the om. d that the family still presided over the roads of

on were once more able ‘* Stare super antiquas vias,”’ of the Macadamite period !

A Change for the Better. Ware Hat for Hancovat Oxford takes, Ono Beer for Brains of faith a pinner, vit, for Consolation hi Walks o’er the course—a Derby-winner !

ee TUN

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— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Jone 5, 1880, | PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. | . nw od \) s o' a I> ‘ — ‘ PA = “ - 4 FIX Ly Mey. \ ARENA vette * &T e« DEW . Tue week has had its Derby Day, and its Derby Dog in the per- nostrils of Sir H. D. Wourr, Sir H. Tyger, Mr. O’Donwett, and a son of Mr. Braptaven. That ‘‘unsavoury” representative of North- large number of Members, has already had the honour of two Select ampton, as he has been called, and he certainly seems to stink in the Committees, and Punch would not like to say how much of the

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Juxe 5, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 263 Le i" 4 Tita ‘ vy YAO RRQ ANY) A 1) NESS AMALIE YYW Bed ) } DANGERS OF DOGMATISM. Brown (a mild Agnostic, in reply to Smith, a rabid Evolutionist, who has been asserting the doctrines of his school with wnnecessary violence). ** ALMOST THOU PER- SUADEST ME TO BE A CHRISTIAN !” House’s time and temper. If notoriety is Mr. BrapLaven’s aim, he has got it to his heart’s content. But, before coming to the Iconoclast, let Punch dispose of the short, but sharp and not sweet, passage of arms in the Lords (Friday, May 21) over Mr. Giapstone’s letter to Count Karoryi. Lord GRanvitte defended his chief, with his usual bland but not blunt weapons. Mr. Grapstong had been misled into accusation by a false report and an unfounded belief. On finding out his mistake, he ha withdrawn his accusation in what the Emperor of Austria had properly described as ** the letter of an English gentleman.” The Earl of SALISBURY (always a model of the proprieties and the exactnesses himself, and so naturally a stickler for them in others) thought the accusation shameful and shameless, and the apology humiliating from one in Mr. Guap- STONE’s position. The Government Falkea of a *“‘ European Concert.” It would probably end in a European crash. (Not unlikely, suanes ; thanks in no small degree to Lord SALISBURY, and if he could but once more have his way.) rd KIMBERLEY denied that Mr. GLapstone meant to throw himself into the arms of Russia; (the Bear being, indeed, the last animal of the European menagerie we should have thought likely to inspire a taste for such a performance.) Lord BEACONSFIELD was astonished that twenty-four hours had been allowed to elapse in their Lordships’ House without comment on Mr. Giapstonr’s letter. He would not stop to inquire if his accusation of Austria was, or was not, ‘‘a passionate expression of vindictive memory.’ (H’m—cumbrous than cutting ; don’t you think so, m Lord, now you see it in print?) Though humiliating to England, and perhaps satisfactory to Austria, his letter would not guard this country against a policy that might endanger the peace of urope. The Duke of ARGYLL regretted the letter, but thought it had been mis- represented (not by Punch, who in last week’s Cartoon recognised the plum in the pie). Ninety-nine hundredths of the Treaty of Berlin were copied trom the Treaty of San Stefano. (Commons.)—Bradlaugh-baiting. On the Iconoclast presenting himself to swear, oath in one hand and book in the other, the grim WoLtrr—‘ that beast of heavy paw”’—who has struck once, stood ready to strike again, and objected to the oath being administered. Mr. Drttwrw wanted to know if any Member might interfere between another Member willing to swear, and his taking the oath. The Speaker knew of no such case. Sir H. Worr said that by common law an Atheist could not take an oath ; and Mr. Brapiaven had avowed him- self an Atheist. He moved, and Mr. FowLer that Mr. Braptaven having claimed to affirm, on the ground that the oath was not binding on his conscience, ought not now to be allowed to take it. Mr, GiapsTowE reminded the House that this was mem question. A Select Committee was the prope et unal to consider if the House had the power now And then the House to show by a heated interchange of strong opinions that it was eminently unqualified for a judicial decision, and the debate was adjourned till Monday on Mr. O’Doxwext’s motion, till Members could see in print the proposed reference to the proposed Committee. ; Questions on the Indian Finance miscalculation of four Lord Harty discussion till ad na ord BaRt_e FRERE. Bepeation. as ot . GLADSTONE, W beral Members, liberty to eat his Sw atiiothian Humble Pie—but does Sok ailone shecmuen of to rable pate *)° th- can 8 en 0} e same un Then to the Sete the Address. Mr. Baxrovr wanted to know if the screw was going to be put on the Porte, and the Anglo-Turkish Conven- tion to be modified if not thrown over ? Mr. Giapstone said the music of a European Concert was the only sound likely to reach the deaf ear of Stamboul. Whatever the Government might think of the Convention, it was a binding instrument, and must be maturely con- sidered, with a view to the harmony of the European orchestra. Mr. 0’ DonweL(whoseems for the moment tohave taken the wind out of the sails of Mr. Panwe.t as Irish mischief- maker-general), said foolish things about Irish distress, warning the Government that if they backed Irish land- lords in the assertion of their legal rights there would be wild work in Ireland this winter. Mr. Forster said the first oat the Government was to enforce the law, and see that the poops obeyed it. Let Irish Members do their best to aid them. Let Irish land- lords not be extreme to insist on their rights before next harvest, and the Government would do its best to prevent the recurrence of such suffering. Mr. Courtney gave vent to the feelings of many on the Government side of the House on the non- of Sir BarRTLE Frere, and the acceptance of the policy of Annexation of the Transvaal. Mr. Grant-Durr defended the Government. Bir B. FRERE was doing good and urgent work now, and a sharp eye would be kept on him. Annexation necessary to preserve and prevent civil war. Mr. CuApin said this was the biggest recantation that the Cabinet of recantations had yet given birth to. Finally the Address was to, and the House adjourned, after a lively night, at a quarter to two. (The Government is clearly having its work cut out for it. Its supporters should have patience. But it is really too early to set them down to Humble Pie. No wonder as; * wince.) . ‘onday (Lords).— South Africa on the tapis. Lord CARNARVON was glad the Government meant to stick to Confederation and Transvaal Annexation, but they must mind what they were about. Lord KrmBeRLey d have been thankful if their predecessors had not left the Colonial Secretary such a troublesome South-African legacy, but they must make the best of it. The su of the Crown must be maintained, and Confederation forwarded. Lord Norrasroox officially announced the abandon- ment of all hope of the Atalanta, and the nomination of a Committee to inquire into her fitness at all points of structure and equipment for the service she sent on. (Commons.)—Mr. LanovucHERE gave notice of a Bill to smooth the way for Brother BrapLaven. Mr. Mircnent Hewry, crying like Wisdom on the House-tops, proclaimed from the how half the House had one point in common with the angels. When asked to sit down, they could only answer, as the cherub answered St. Cecilia, ‘* Hélas / nous n’avons pas de quoi.” BrapLaven-bait resumed. The H y, very ouse, hot, heady, and excited, proving that the llective Wis- dom is anything but a competent tribunal for decision of ph at singers OOO

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| 264 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jone 5, 1880, | a judicial question in a case that antptgn its feelings and insults its beliefs, and that Mr. Giapstows taken the right course in referring the question to a Select Committee. Sir H. Woxre’s Resolution was negatived by 289 to 214. The debate was adjourned for further consideration of the terms of reference. Tuesday (Lords).—Petitions against the appointment of Lord LEPON, @ ficmnea atholic, as Governor-Gen of India, and Lord Kenmare (also a Roman Catholic) as Lord Chamberlain. Lord OxaxMoRE AND Browne thinks that the gold key and the keys of St. Peter have no business on the same coat. Of course that high Protestant champion presented the petition. (Commons.)—** How about Flogging in the Army?” asks Mr. J. Cowewx (whom Punch congratulates on his recovery from the too effects of the affectionate squeeze of his rough Tyne-side constituents). Mr. Caripeas said they stood by Lord Hartrxeton’s last year’s opinion, but, before turning the cat out of the Provost-Marshal’s kit, they must be provided with a substitute for the obnoxious animal. Rampant cheering the Opposition, exultant over every case in which the Government finds a stumbling-block in one of its inherited difficulties. Mr. R. Power in a facetious speech Moved the Adjournment over the Derby Day; and Sir Witrerp Lawson also in a facetious speech opposed the Motion. ‘The irrepressible CHaPLAtN preached a sermon on the text, “‘ All on the Downs.” Half the horses that would start to-morrow, including the favourite, would carry Liberal colours. Mr. Cartpgrs said the only effect of not oncersing would be to keep the Speaken—infeliz Theseus /—and the Clerks at the table with nothing to do but dream of the Downs from 12 to 4, and Sir WiL- FRID was defeated by 285 to 115. The reference to the Bradlaugh Committee was oy om and then the House, gladly dropping that unsavoury subject, bore joyously away to the Cape. Mr. Fowrenr deprecated disarmament and harsh treatment of the hitherto loyal Basutos. Mr. Giapstoye, in furtherance of Mr. Grant Durr’s Monday explanations, made the best case he could for the Basuto disarma- ment, which would be followed by a measure creating a Native Militia, for the acceptance by Government of their predecessors’ policy in the Transvaal—which he had never, even in the heyday of Midlothian eloquence, promised to reverse—and for the non-recall of Sir Bante Frere, now engaged in a special and all-important task — confederation. When t was settled, the Government would have to consider his position generally, and their duty in relation to him, Sir BarTLe was a high-minded man, and rather than keep his place with a round his neck, would, in all pro- bability, save the Government further trouble by resigning (or so Punch reads between Mr. Giapstone’s rather exuberant lines). Rather than let the House come to the Deceased Wife's Sister, whom some Hon. Members a to regard with only less horror than Mr. Braptaven, Hon. Members were condemned to listen— no, not to listen, but to empty the benches—for several hours weari- some waste of wind over d Titles and Transfer. After it had swallowed a long and strong dose of Grecory’s mixture, lasting fora good hour, Colonel Maxrys—who has the makings of an excellent Ob- structive—took up the running with Mr. Beresrorp Hore. At last, even the Colonel’s discursiveness and the pleasures of Hope being exhausted, the Motion was withdrawn, and the House received a thin sprinkling of Members to hear Earl Percy move the appoint- ment of a Select Committee to inquire into Prehistoric Monuments, | with a view to a satisfactory Ancient Monuments Bill, (es ifthe subject had not been threshed out thoroughly already by Sir his Select Committee, and the ty of Sgeaperien) Poor Sir Jom, whose Bill has been ane S ven times before the Bese, uae not om | iF rise a gallop on hi ape meg E ut the Motion serv purpose 0 ing the way against the Deceased Wife’s Sister, who was finally, bo into the middle of who knows what week, by the Kitchen Committee—of all the Wife's Sister’s many foes ! Thus by dint of all talking against time till helf-qast twelve, the Deceased Wife’s Sister was put on the shelf —and Colonel Maxis and Mr. A. B. Hore made happy! Wednesday.—The House was on the Hill, and the Grand Stand, taking and laying the odds, lunching, fizzing, and generally employ- ing itself in the manner most unbecoming Collective Wisdom. But there are still cakes and ale, Sir Witrerp, and will be, when you are reduced to your pure elements of earth, air, and water. Yesterday all these elements, save the last, were to be had in abundance, and of first quality, on Epsom Downs. Thursday (Lords).—Punch takes off his hat to the Lord Chan- cellor, Lord Setsorwe has buried the Burials’ row. Inan excellent speech he introduced an excellent laying for ever,‘let us hope, this troublesome ed y a arate. clothes. When this Bul y will, and the oun Lussock, y ghost of becomes law, as it s sooner the better, the dead may sleep in silence, or with such ‘ Chris- tian and orderly religious service” at the grave as their friends may think fit. Would not “ orderly and religious” have suffised ? ( Commons.) —W #ALLEY's perturbed spirit will be relieved to hear that Lord Rrron, so far as Mr. GiapsTrone can find out, is not a Jesuit. (Bat—"' quis custodict custodes ?”—asks the unquiet ghost of the late M. P. for Peterborough, ‘‘ Who will assure me that Mr. GLapstone isn’t one ? ’’) Mr. GLapDsTone won't promise Mr. Mrecuett-Hewnry that he shall have a new House of Commons built for him and his seatless fellows, right off. (itis true the present House is absurdly inconvenient; that it only seats a little more than 300 of its normal 658, and that rich as it is in mediwval heraldry and oak panelling, it is alike poor in a¢oustios and accommodation. Still a new House will cost a great —_ | a we are so poor!) And those other fellows were so reckless CP wry Stow and Dr. Cameron wanted to limit the privilege b which au early hat is allowed to do duty for an absent yt f Mr. Watrer wanted a new House, more suited to the Times; but Mr. Giapstone and Sir W. Barrretot thought that when the rush of green hands had subsided, there would be plenty of room for the normal amount of Collective Wisdom. Mr. Saaw-Lerevre reassured anxious Members about the com- position of the Atalanta Committee, and the searching sweep of its inquiry. ir W. Hancournt—whom Punch congratulates on the agility he has shown in quale himself of the Derby life-buoy—brought in the first instalment of Game Law Reform, in his Bill giving the occu- ier the concurrent and inalienable right to kill ground-game. No- y seemed disposed to stand up for landlords’ rights in ‘‘ fur,” though Mr. Caapttn characteristically thought that the effect of the measure would very likely be to inefease the number of rabbits. But how will it be when we come to landlords’ rights in “ feather?” THE WINK OF THE AYES AND THE TIP OF THE NOES. ail R. R. POWER, the other { 7 day was kind enough to give the House of Com- | mons a tip for the Derby. His ‘‘ selection” ran se- cond. This was not very \ surprising, as ‘“‘the De- / vil” usually gets a good place at Epsom during the Summer Meeting. But the matter proceeding may form a precedent in the future, in which ease we may expect to find in the Notice Paper a string of queries like the fol- lowing :— Questions, Mr. P. Taytor. To ask the Secretary of State for War if he is able, without injury to the requirements ot the public service, to give the straight tip about Military Steeple the Royal Chase. Lorp Henry Lennox. To ask the Chief Secretary for [reland’if he’ knows of any Celtic player good enough to win the Lawn-Tennis Championship at Wimbledon. Mr. Samvet Moriey. To ask the Under-Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs a question about certain entries for the Grand Prize at the Paris Races. r : Mr. Jacos Brieut. To ask the Vice-President of the Council whether he can give any information to the House as to the probable form of the Elevens in the coming Eton and Harrow match. _ Sir Taomas CaamBers. To ask the First Lord of the Admiralty if he would object to the appointment of a Royal Commission to inquire into the feasibility ot improving the arrangements as to course and time of starting of the Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race. And Sir Witrerp Lawson. To ask the Secretary of State for India whether he can recommend anything in his stable as really safe for a place in the Leger. Curpa Nosrra.—Puneh has been too quick to acknowledge a mistake and accept a correction. It was to the Authoress of Adam Bede, after all. that a ne Matrimonial was awarded, on the 5th ult. at St. George’s, Hanover uare. @@ To Counusronpunts.—The Bditor does not hold himself bound to ac ‘knowledge, return, er pay for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by @ stamped and directed envelope 148 should be kept.

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June 12, 1880.]} a ROT | Wry mie pa we? se * ASD “4 - mt “> ye «= ey) Soe al fe) EBA. ih a ie. aka? , 4% Pa A? ~ / ~ 2 A SIMILIA SIMILIBUS. Errfiz READS ABOUT TADPOLES, AND WONDERS WHAT ON EARTH THE HoRRID LITTLE CREATURES CAN REALLY BE LIKE ! ‘ f 7 ‘ - 4, Nd Nd hy 4) \ -”, a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 265 OUR SUNDAY—(DOWN EAST). N.B.—Permission to include these lines in the Programme of any Sabbatarian Penny Rerding may be obtained Jrom Mr. Punch. Wuica is the day that should be blest, And to the weary, work-opprest, Bring pleasure, my and rest P ur Sunday. Yet which the day of all the seven To our sour lives adds sourer leaven, And leaves poor folk most far from heaven ? Our Sunday. ’ When gutter-brats of tender years, What filled our childish souls with fears Of father’s curses, mother’s tears ? Our Sunday. What makes the sound of prayer and praise, Heard ’mid our foul and filthy ways, Like echoes of an empty phrase ? Our Sunday! What day down A day ’s half night, While West-End w enjoys the light,— Most feeds the public's frowze and fight Our Sunday ! What, when the week’s toil stills ite din, Proclaims each simple pleasure sin, And, preaching grace, provideth gin ? Our Sunday ! What, when we strive up from our sink, Our souls with nobler things to link, Bars all,—but one bar labelled drink ? Our Sunday ! And, when of this world we are clear, What is it, in another sphere, Won't be flung at us, as ’twas here ? Our Sunday! Oprosttion Grioss.—Polemical Language :—Language used tg bring Voters to the Poll. _— “THAT ’S THE WAY THE MONEY GOES.” Tue Annual Debate on the Vote for Secret Service failed to reveal all the mysteries of this mysterious Fund. Those who crave for further information on the subject should master the followin details, which will give them some idea of the sort of service whic ear by year is rewarded and encouraged out of the public money. or obvious reasons initials only are given in some of the cases. Cost of the chronometer (the very best that could be manufactured) presented by the G——t to S——_1. P——, Esq., in gratitude for his — in resigning his seat for D——y in favour of Sir W——m —T. Cost of its sent out per Right Hon. G. J. G——-wn to the prin- cipal inmates of the H——m of the S——n of T——-y, to induce them to influence H. M. to give a favourable hearing to the propositions of the A——r E——~y. The presents included Worcester china, Honiton lace, Paisley shawls, large selections from the stocks of essrs. HOWELL AND James, and Hunt anp Roske t, sets of lawn tennis and croquet, complete sets of the works of Lord B——»p and Mr. G——z, and a varied assortment of sweetmeats from Messrs. Fortnum anp Mason. Cost of a complimentary present of a hogshead of the very strongest Burton Ale to P——z B—-x. Expenses of Detectives employed to ascertain the exact amount of damage done by hares and rabbits, both by day and night, on certain sel farms in England and Wales, under the personal supervision of the H——z S——yv. pera-boxes, bouquets, and baskets of early strawberries, for the female relatives of wavering supporters of the G——t, on the eve of important divisions. herry brandy, feathers, costumes of beads, materials for crewel work, and a selection of the best Blue-books for doubtful Natives of South Africa. As douceurs to Afghan Sirdars—refrigerators, dust-coats, dry cham- e, pale ale, mineral-waters, blue and white china, and ingots of ion from the vaults of the Bank of England. We could say much more ; but this, surely, will suffice to open the eyes, and close the purses of the poor tax-payers! DIARY OF THE BRITISH FARMER OF THE FUTURE. Mowpvay.—Hard at work in the Mulberry Plantation. Consulted the Government Inspector about the threatened plague amongst the silk-worms. . _Tuesday.—Got in the Rose harvest. Prepared the stills for the WW edneotay. Bprat the doy, st th rted : inesday.—Spent the day amongst the im grapes, super- pe the mixture of native perry and aier with Peninsular produce. Thursday.—Tried my new process for milking by machinery. The cows, - my satisfaction, seemed readily accustomed to the noise of the apparatus. iday.—Took a ride through the ground I still reserve for the growth of oats and barley. The straw counts for something, but I think I shall put the soil to a more profitable use next year. Saturday.—Went up to the County town to do some marketing. Brought home next week’s stock of foreign flour and meat for home consumption. Sunday.—Drove to church. 8 t the afternoon in writing to my sons now settled as old-fashion British farmers in America, Copyheads for Voters that Will Be. A CLEAR conscience lasts longer than a bread-and-beef ticket. Welcome the Electioneering Agent, but do not burn his coals. Wish everyone’s good health, but drink nobody’s. You can show your respect for your party flag without dressing your wife in it. oe a that buys a single vote will sometimes sell a whule ugh. Accept the Candidate’s assurance, but refuse hts new hat. Never sell your political birth-right for a gallon of porter. Tell the truth and astonish the Commission. Nor so Easy.—What shall we do with “ Ovrpa” ’—Weed Her! VOL, LXXVIII. A A

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| 266 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (June 12, 1880.

4 fq 4) i \" ~ PS UE | \Va a | Jn ot ' ‘\\ ' 1 ” t ii i" 1 ! \\\ \\ \ y { I, | |

| Mt M \\ | , il | CUNCE MUA aH 1 d | | a i a FOLIC: ener | \) » HT iiBazanal|—) ee , =i _ Ay," <M 4. t oven : | rt ey i

A PRACTICAL APPLICATION. Lecturer (on the Classical Essayists cf the Last Century— most interesting). ‘‘W TALK o¥ Fuop FoR THE MIND, AS WELL AS OF Foop For THE Bopy,—xow a coop Boox——” Sporting Man (interrupting—he found it rather slow). “‘’Ear, ’kAR!—ANyY GENT WANT TO DO ANYTHINK OVER THE Hascor Cur?!”

CERTAINLY NOT! A DANGEROUS ECONOMY. Mr. Ponca, who, ever solicitous for the health and recreation of | Tuaxne still remain Railway Directors whom fatal accidents have his poorer pent-up brethren. has for some time past had his eye on/| not yet induced to provide their carriages with the necessary safe- the iron railings that shut off from any public use, or, indeed, so far | guard of as he can see, from any use whatever, the pleasant freshness of “ Continvovs Foorsoarps.—Major F. A. Martnp1n, R.E., has reported Lincoln’s Inn Fields, has been favoured by a “‘ Benevolent Ben- | to the Board of Trade the result of Nis inquiry as to an accident Thich cher” with the following excellent reasons for suffering things to | occurred on the 29th of March at Camden Town Station, on the North London remain as they are. The public, he urges, should not have access | Railway.” to the Square— That is to say, an accident whereby a man only twenty-six years Because they will be far more at home in Clare-Market ; old—therefore presumably agile enough—in alighting from a second- Because, if they want fresh air, they have only got to walk as far | class carriage, fell between the train and the platform, and sustained as Battersea Park for it ; such injuries that he died of them in a few hours. The accident Because how are solicitors of eminence to carry on their business | which killed him was a preventible one, teste Major MARINDIN :— within hearing of the voices of little children at play, and more “ This is an accident which would not have occurred if the carriages had particularly the little children of a densely peopled neighbourhood ; | been fitted with a continuous footboard in place of the upper steps, and I Because if the place is invaded by nursery-maids, local barristers | trust that this fatality will induce the company tor id the I da- will find it impossible to keep up their afternoon practice at cricket ; | tion which I made when reporting on a very similar fatal accident which Because there will be nothing to prevent a couple of military | occurred at Haggerstone Station on the 21st of August, 1878, and to make | bands from playing daily in the centre from one to seven ; this alteration to all their stock.” | Because it is the only spot in London where the Master of the| Let us earnestly hope, for the sake of Directors more solicitous | Rolls can catch butterflies in his robes without attracting notice; | about dividends than their passengers’ safety, that Major MARINDIN |, Because the expense of keeping the walks in order will be bringing | will never, in consequence of another “fatality,” have to recapitu- | the Honourable Society continually into the County Court ; . | late the above statement in evidence on a trial in an Assize Court | Because the Authorities can not possibly spare a couple of police- | of offenders forewarned of homicidal negligence. men to look after what goes on in the gardens of the ground ; Because Judges in Chambers will no longer be able to grow their | own mignonette ; CaprtaL Punisument (not likely to be abolished, whatever Mr. And lastly, because that Radical, Mr. Punch, is at the bottom

Pr Bright may say).—Investing in worthless Securities. of it. One Pappy wHo rinps Home-RvuLe Too muca For Him.—The A CHANCE FOR THE TURKS. Padishah !

Sra Joun Srracuey, having thoroughly mastered the principles of Oriental Finance, has offered his services to the Sutran to restore| Arrer THE Races.—The real Derby Drags:—Headaches and the balance of revenue and expenditure in Turkey. Empty Purses!

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‘s Back!” Para?” fy By a How CAN You TELL suz’s A Dvocuese, , perhaps, is not on speaking terms with Duchesses), “‘ By Topzsox L—June 12, 1880. | = | > \5 ~ oO Z o Q Z C . «Her Geace’!? Lucy Papa (who \, i, MVE (ii) ! UY MALI ie 7 \\' j | ‘i INVIDIOUS GROWL. ‘ AN ApY TALKING To Ma. Topesor, Para!” PUNCH, OR THE Never saw mER Grace IN MY LIFE!” * Haven’ AN rpga, uv Love! . “Wao'’s raat Gaanp-Looxrne L Lucy, Papa.

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Py

268 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | [June 12, 1880

THE BEADLE! oR, THE LATEST CHRONICLE OF SMALL-BEERJESTER. BY ANTHONY DOLLOP. Author of *“* The Chronicles of Barselishire,” ‘‘ Beerjester Brewers,” “The Halfway House at Aleinton,” “ Thoriey Farm for Cattle,” “ Family Par .” “ The Prying Minister,” “ Pearls Before Swine, or, Who Used His Diamonds?” ** Rub ‘The Way We Dye Now,” “ Fishy Fin,” “ Fishyas Wilduz,” ‘‘ Dr. Thorne and David James,” “ Star and Garter, Richmond,” * Rachel Hooray!” “ The Jellies of Jelly,” “ The Bertrams and Roberts,” “ Lady Pye-Anna,” * Tails of Ail Creatures,” “*’Arry’ ad ‘ Mary Greasily,” ** Vicar of Pullbaker,” “‘ McDermott of Balladsingerun,” ** Can’t You Forget Her?” *‘ He Knew He Could Write,” &c., &c. CHAPTER II. A RerorMER. HERE is living’ in -Beerjester a young man sur- geon, apothecary and g medi-

named Jouwyn Bounce; and as Jouy Bounce will occupy much of our attention, we must endeavour to explain who he is, why he is, where he is, what he is ing, why he is I e him de, Joun Bounce determined to set- tle, himself and everybody else, in a fr ny an ut up in his inden three : é enormous glass bottles filled with different coloured liquids, a plate on his door | with ‘‘Jeuw Bounce,” &c. on it, and on each side of the door a shining bell-handie, with “‘ Night Bell” on one, and “‘ Day Bell” on the other, all made out of his su uous brass, of which he inva- bl kept stock read hand. The Cathedral i riahly u y on han ral dignitaries were with the plate at the door, it having been con- | sidered their itive right from time iiamemorial to have &

plate at the a e Aresieeess, Siena wes iighly incensed ; clergyman to be incensed at all savoured Dr. Ovgrwarte smothered the flame that had been i breast. At this time Joun Bouncer has in Small-Beerjester, and, I believe, is highly popular the liberal, or free-thinking, portion of the community, whom aL always treating ; doctoring em for when well ; erousl ving dozens of fine ofa ran thoy ae quite which, {3 in bottle

h | for years; amd distributing, on the Derby day, Epsom salts to all who | 7 tothe Haces and without regard reed, or opinion, he treats Dissenters for dysen . for presb and | only ¢ the canons for with which he supplies them. He has, I may be allowed to add, been berg Oo | member of the Small-Beerj Town Club, has exercised hi and rights as @ committee-man an “piling” all the | oppo sition practitioners. He has ote 2 th | will s in Small-Beerjester but strong drastic ; that | < thorough purging of all its abuses ; and that his motto, both as reformer apothecary, must | be “4 No wonder that Dr. Overwarre should stigmatise Jonw Bounce as a demagogue ; I, for one, can certainly exeuse the Archbeacon for flaring up at the notion of such a firebrand within the shadow of Small-Beerjester Cathedral. | Archbeacon Overwayre has all the angularity of an ancient Saint in the side-light of a stained-glass window with all the insularity of a modern English Bishop. He is alwaysthe same. A classic—nay, cal practitioner, | A

one would almost be tempted to say,—a Homeric ; but, unlike Homer, the Archbeacon never nods—he invariably bows, and that with such an air that people would mistake him for an Archbishop instead of an Archbeacon, and allude to “‘ his ” The Archbeacon never committed the fatal mistake of allowin anyone to see him out of his ecclesiastical dress. Even his wife never, as yet, experienced that sudden shock to her faith which, in the majority of instances, must follow upon the first glimpse of a great divine in his robe de nuit. The Archbeacon had invented a sleeping costume which he termed his “‘ knightly attire,” and in this, ‘‘ armed,” as he said, ‘‘ nighteap-a-pied,” he represented the Church Militant. How many of us does not the ecclesiastical costume—the everyday apparel—of an Archdeacon, a Dean, a Bishop, or an Archbishop inspire with a secret reverential awe? We may not choose to acknowledge it, and we may pretend that we do not care a button for the Dean’s gaiters; or we may be inclined to make dis ing remarks as to the maker of the Bishop’s hat; but we are dazzled by the sheen of their polished shovels, which reminds us of what a Frenchman would allude to as ‘*‘ their knowledge of the Latin, Greek and Hebrew Tongs,” and would represent to mind of a Biblical scholar the brilliant gloss on many a hard text. Their very gaiters are in themselves eloquent sermons on the fatted calf; their white ties are symbolical of the purity of their domestic bonds ; their co! shirt-fronts (when visible), and snowy wristbands suggest sublime thoughts of the surplice population; and their aprons, whether episcopal or archidiaconal, teach us the salutary lesson that we are yet children, and must never separate ourselves from the apron-strings of Mother Church. Yet were any of us to meet an rehdeacon, or an Archbishop, in a Turkish bath, should we not chatter and laugh before him, make remarks on the heat of the place point out that he might go further—that is, to the third room —and fare worse ; and even offer him a cigarette, without recognising his archidiaconal or archiepiscopal character? In the Paradisaic condition of bathers at the Hammam could any of us distinguish between a Curate and a Cabdriver, a Bishop and a Butcher, a Sarg mg | and a Policeman? Be this as it may, it is certain that the Archbeacon of Small Beerjester had never given occa- sion for the slightest diminution of that reverential awe which, whether in aerate or public, the female Archbeacon—or Archbea- coness—sho invariably feel, and display, in the presence of her husband. Everyone, from the Bishop of Small-Beerjester down to the sexton’s boy, feared the Archbeacon—everyone, that is, except- ing the Bishop's better half, to whom I presently have the of introducing my readers. ** My dear,” said the Archbeacon to his wife, as he drew off his hose at night, ‘‘ I wish I were a fireman.” ** Why ’” asked Mrs. Overwayrte, drowsily, from under the bed- clothes. At that moment had the Archbeacon expressed a wish to be a waterman, or a Baptist, it would hardly have aroused her dormant energies. “* Because,” replied the Archbeacon, stocking in hand, “ with my hose I should extinguish Joun Bounce, once and for ever.” *Extinguish fiddlesticks, yn old Archfogey !”—(Mrs. OveEr- WAYTE was never much more familiar than this in addressing her husband)—“ It’s more likely that Jomw Bounce is the fireman, and not you. * How is that, my dear?” inquired Dr. Overwayrte, evidently perplexed by his wife’s observation. *Why, you Archnoodle”—(she was never more familiar than this with her husband)—‘“‘ aren’t you the Arch-beacon, and haven’t ~ been utterly put out by Joun Bounce? Yah! Shoo fly! on’t bother me!” And she snuggled her head under the pillow as the Archbeacon muttered something to himself in praise of Othello’s conduct towards Desdemona in the last scene of that exquisite play. * Bless her!” murmured the Doctor to himself. He was evi- dently much put beside himself, but he had a greater trial yet in stows 3 dor him, for in another moment he would have to put himself The Archbeacon, as I have already said, was not a bad man, but he did not loye Jonw Bounce, who, it was more than whi , had y taken steps to inquire into the administration of the Cathe- dral revenues as well as that of Deedler’s Trust, which, from a mere few hundreds a year has gradually swelled into some thousands. It had occurred to Mr. Joun Bounce to ask himself why the Reverend Srwony Socpier should hold the important post as well as the important gold knobb'd stick of the Beadle, and receive the emoluments of Chief Verger, Percentor, Precentor, Organist, 4 blower, Head Sexton, and Master of Deedler’s Foundation, when, at best, he should merely be the Beadle—an office which had been done away with in most Cathedral towns, and only remained as an exceptional privilege in Small-Beerjester—and not even in orders. Joun Bounce at once went to his lawyer, Mr. Fisuy. He had no great respect for this gentleman ; but Mr. Fisuy, who, as a solicitor, had no chance of ever sitting on the Judges’ Bench, was well up in the ordinary forms of law. Joun Bounce only wanted a lawsuit from

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Junz 12, 1880,]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 269

his lawyer, just as he did a walking-suit from his tailor, because he coulie’t eaakee | i / e it so well himself. ween “I’m going to attack the Cloth, Fisny,” said Jon~w Bounce— alluding to the Small-Beerjester clergy. P é “The Cloth, by all means—just the very stuff for a suit,” said the | VN ll lil : ego hows

J, PerER SIMPLE taar-

LvwE acquiescing Fisoy. Then he advised several letters at six-and-eight- pence apiece (reduction on taking a quantity) to Tyre, Mint, CumMin & Co., the ecclesiastical attorneys who charge of old JEREMIAH DeepLex’s will and the original’ deeds of the Foundation Trust. In the meantime a great deal had been going on in Small- Beerjester between the soap» Mrs. Downre his wife, the Arch- beacon, and Mrs. Archbeacon, Mr. Suwony Simpier, and ini daughter, Miss MortzEna. a history as was every word uttered, yet it is a matter for thankful- ness to the writer, the publisher, their reader, and my readers, that it is impossible to relate everything done and by the heroes and heroines, or how could any novel be written under at least twenty volumes, which, were I once at work with my pen in my hand, would be no more trouble te me than playing a dozen games of whist with a clever partner, and inferior opponents, or than following the hounds on a thoroughly trained wangnt-corzien,—9et unless my — had bound themselves to pay for my labour at so much a volume, without limit as to quantity, pages, or size of type, I should simply be woes my time, without proportionately contributing to the Laas of the readers of my novels, who agree with my publisher’s opinion, and consequently with my own, in sticking to the principle of ‘‘ One novel down, t’other come on,” “A short book, and a merry one,” ‘‘ A quick burst over an easy country, a kill, a find, and away we goagain with a fresh fox ! ” In the present case, so little have I overheard of all that was said in Small-Beerjester, that I live in hopes of finishing my work at should full gallop, with a running pen, dashing over the paper as hard as I can go, never nals Oe scent, and being well up at the finish of my task somehow, anyhow, in about eight chapters at most, completing in a short time that pleasantest of all well-remunerated literary jobs —a Novel in one Volume—when three were expected ! From Editor of Novel Co. Limited to Anthony Dollop, Esq. Excuse me, Mr. ANTHONY GaLLorp—I should say DoLLop—but the Novel Company, on whose behalf I made the engagement, distinctly expected from you a three-volume Novel. You’ll excuse me, Sir, but that was the under- standing. Yours sincerely, Ep. (for Novel Co. Limited). From A, D, to Ba. of Novel Oo. Limited. "Twasn’T so nominated in the Bond. Was it, hey? If your Company distinctly expected it, why didn’t they distinctly express it? Hey? Under- standings are never understood. So much was agreed on for my Novel. That’s all I ask for, and what I mean to have. Yours, A. D. From Ed. of Novel Co. Limited. Tux Publisher won’t touch it under three volumes. The Company admit that the number of volumes was not expressly stated, but hope you i be guided, as a Court of Law would be, by precedent and cust Yours affectionately, in your own best interests, Ep. (of Novel Co. Limited). A. D. to Ba. of Novel Co. Limited. Don’t see it. You can cut it up afterwards into volumes, can’t you? Large print, and each the size of one of the Handy- Volume Shakspeare — — the type used in children’s sixpenny story books, illustrated. ty 4 0 you. A. D. From Editor of Novel Co. Limited to Anthony Dollop, Esq. Iv we don’t “cut it up” the critics will. Really, to publish a novel of yours

But important and essential to this | lickers. in three Tom Thumb volumes with spelling-book print, would be too ridicu- ous. You can’t be serious. At least, you can be serious, but you ’re not now. You don’t see the matter with our eyes. Come, my dear DoLLor, be amen- able, and I’ll try to get the Company to order another in five volumes. Come. Yours most warmly Ep. (of Novel Co. Limited). From A. D. to Editor of Novel Co. Limited. Tuy can do as they like about ordering more novels in more volumes. No matter how many volumes— it’s a4 one to me. I’m not to be gammoned. As to critics “ cutting up,’’ they never cut me up. Can’t. Nothing to cut up, but plenty to swallow at a gulp. As to seeing * the matter with your eyes” — bless your ee I see ermyning: Sevegy my own specs.—the qnly specs I go in or, as I only work on a inty. That’s best, hey? Don't bother me, and take the goods the gods provide. Yours certainly, A. D.

LOCAL OPTION AND OPIUM, Mr. Poncu, rer Onnezr, Last Nite I dremp a curous Dreem. I drempI was at a Quaker’s Meetin—that there Sittin of wot they calls their ‘‘ Yearly” eld the day about the Opium Q wen ,the Sperrit moved Sir Epparp Fry, Mr. Pease, M.P., and other Friends, to the orrible uences of Opium in Chiney, and what pense © ie tor Sho Hangic” i Guyment to incurridge growin ixportin of that there Pernishus, pisonus, and pestifferus Drugg in away hoo should I meat but Birt Grap- sez I bo im. ‘ Ullo, Bonny,” e sez to me. ‘* Now then, Bu,” I sez to him, I sez, ** there’s Nep Fry and Jox a lot more of them Quakers a goin to Deputation you i Chinee bisness. Now m:—wy do itooshuns, body and mind, by stultifyin ?” sez Birt, and e thinks a e sez, fancyin as ow I wos axin of im a Kidle. 7 tas no Beer nor Goss ee cue. roper propotion o icatin That’s wy.” * Wis me (l dromp all this ere, mind yer), “ there ’s somethink in that.” ‘‘ Ah, isn’t there just!” I sez, Wot sed Frend Fry only jest now? That Sir Tommas Wave, Brittish Ambassadoor to Chiney as declares abit of usin Opium ‘more puta and more opeless than even inwetterate gin-drinkin.’ erry much the wus of the ‘two, I should say.” * Praps ’tis,” sez Brut. ‘* Now,’’ I sez, ‘‘ wot if they wos to partake of gin, or any other olesome itchus d Praps ’d leave off goin to ixcess in Opium to the same ixtent ?”’ ‘*Praps they would,” sez Grapstons, ‘“‘ but I should say chepe Claret would, be better for them than gin, which they ’re a economical le.” ‘* Blow yer chepe Claret!” I sez. ‘‘ Yer don’t call that a in Licker, do yer? No. It ain’t the strength fit to bea suckseedanium for Opium. Wot they wants is somethink short, or anyways beer.” ‘‘ Wotever it is,” sez Brix, “it must be a matter of private interprize—mishonary interprise, eh, Bonny?” ‘* Right ou are,” sez I, “‘ but talk of mishonaries, wot did I ear jest now? Prince Kune, Chinee Prime Minister, ditto to you, BILL, say, ‘Take away from us your opium and your mishonaries.’”’ ILL sez, “it is too sartinly, a sendin of ’em opium mishonaries too.” ‘‘ Send ’em the rite mishonaries and the rite stuff,” I sez. “Gin and true religion,’ he sez. ‘Right you are in, Brux,’’ I sez. **No, no, Bonny,” sez Brix, ‘‘ that’s a comin’ of it a leetle too strong. Bot lige goes with you, that I cons inew but viet wation uors may leastways wery possi ve e Tastanee there's thom ble wks as pium. ’Cause why, for , that duffer Manomer forbid totake wine.” ‘‘ That’s wot makes ’em fo I sez. ‘‘ But now, Brix, look here. Jest you pint out all that there, the terrible effex of Opium as atends teatotalisum, and the shockin’ sperritual Destitootion of sich unappy Abstinence nations as the Mommetans and Chinees, and mind and foce it wel ~ the Bip of Gussews Members bime 4. your Coaticte Foend, ILFRID aterman, brings lessed Local Hopson Bil in the Ouse of Commons.” So sayin’, on a Suddent I awoak with a start, and, lo and beold yer, it wos alla Dreem! Here endeth the Wision of your obegient umble Servant to command, i é g J Z < f 33 Lickers in modderation ? Bontrace Baccnus Bune.

Advice Gratis. (4 Nursery Rhyme for Stranded Managers.) Jacks and Jills Won't fill your tills, However much you vapour. So take it down, And save the town

From floods of useless ‘‘ paper.”’

: 4 t : i

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—— eet sonny wt SGN Hy x SN \\ Wty SSS PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jose 12, 1680, BREAKING AN AWKWARD SILENCE. | Mrs, Montague Smart (suddenly, to bashful Youth, who has not opened his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago). ‘‘ AND Now LET Us TaLK OF tOMETHING ELSE!” OLD BOOTS. John Ball. Well, Writ1am, and what do you think of them novw, This same pair of boots you ’ve so long been abusing ? Speak up, man. D’ye think you can manage, somehow, To furbish them up into fitness for using ? William (eyeing them dubiously). Well—ahem!—hardly know— don’t quite like to decide Till I’ve given the pair a complete overhauling. They are not quite the work J should look on with pride. Their maker was not too expert at his calling. John Bull, Humph! You’re getting quite mealy-mouthed; you late so loud In declaring that Ben was the veriest botcher. William. Why you see times have changed. I’ve no wish to seem proud. For your custom’s return I have long been a watcher ; I knew it must come ; but, the change being made, What need to keep on pitching into my rival ? John Bull. Why, none, to be sure. Only chaps in the trade, Whe hold you of th’ unfittest a case of survival, Declare that, despite of the ee raised, _ You are now going in for their and their measures. Wilkam. Pooh! don’t you believe them. The fellows are crazed At losing your custom which everyone treasures. There ’s nothing like Liberal Leather for wear, And nothing like Liberal Cut for good fit, Sir. These boote—well, of course it won’t do to go bare, But you’!l find it all right if you ’ll just wait a bit, Sir. John a hilst you patch and repair? That’s but cobbling, at t st. __, Is that quite what you promised when out, my stout Crispin ? William (cheerily). Of course not! (Regarding boots contemptuously.) By Jove! were these boots, now, the best Bew could find you to wade and chase Will-o’-the- Wisp in ? Too bad! Why they ’ve not even water-tight soles ; The stitching is poor and the uppers are perished ; The tops too, though tawdry, are riddled with holes. Too long, my dear But, you that cobbler had cherished. ’Tis well you have sacked him. John Bull. But what will you do? That’s more to the point, I imagine. William. Precisely. To make a new pair that are worthy of you Must take me some time, so I think you ’ll do wisely ‘To wear these meanwhile. I will touch up the tops, Patch the soles here and there, stitch this split upper leather : Can’t alter their shape, they will always be slops ; But they ’!l do for awhile just to keep out the weather. Meantime I must put you a new pair in hand. 1’ve the length of your foot, and your old last is handy. John Bull. That’s right ; but I hope you will quite understand, Though I like a neat fit just as much as a dandy I cannot stand pinching! Verb. sap., my dear WILL. William. I twig. Give me time, and I’ll suit you, I warrant, Only do not believe I’m ae my skill Just to copy Ben’s botchings—that’s fudge the most arrant. IN THE THEATRE. (Oxford Commemoration Questions. By One of the Non-initiated ) this the Sheldonian, or a cheap Aquarium ? / hy do they request the Vice-Chancellor to sing a comic song ? Is the ry rented by out-patients of a lunatic asylum ? Pa winner of the Newdigate Prize really dance a break- wn Are those split-peas pattering on the Senior Proctor’s forehead ? Do the Ladies in yellow really object to three cheers ? Why are all the jokes over thirty years old ? : Do you think the Gentleman who is reading the Latin Essay could “* My Grandfather's Clock ?” ; Are the Distinguished Foreign Visitors likely to make head or tail of the whole thin P Is any one rere. § the better for it?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jusz 12, 1880.

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4 SZ fh / <<a / \ — : - = 11 = A | | HAT) APR ——AN\ | - - ms — ~ a }})I

OLD BOOTS. Coppterk Witttaw. “A BAD CUT, AND POOR STUFF, MR. BULL, BUT WE MU3T MAKE THE BEST OF ’EM! WE CAN PATCH THE HOLES—AND GIVE ’EM A NEW SOLE—AND TOUCH UP THE TOPS A BIT! MEAN- WHILE, WE MUST GET ANOTHER PAIR IN HAND. I’VE THE LENGTH OF YOUR Foor!!!”

=

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June 12, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI 278 THE ASCOT MEETING. (By Mr. Punch’s “ Society” Reporter.) wn the occasion of this important ga- thering there was, as usual, a very strong field. All the best county stables were re- presented, and a large contingent arrived from town. Most of the colts had been beauti- fully groomed be- fore putting in an appearance, and a large proportion of the fillies were as fresh as paint. The following were the principal events of the first day’s racing :— RY Beauty Seriine Stakes. (Two & Seasons Old Course.) Lady Matchmaker’s Lovely Girl, by Innocence out of ing-Strings 1 | Dead Viscount Rowdyboy’s Proposal by Courage, 0 out of Une heat. limited Cham — Mrs. Brazen-Face’s a ° eae ee Mrs. Snowdrop’s Pearl-Powder ° ‘ : . | Eight others ran. Betting. 10 to1 bar one. Rouge-Dragon and Pearl Powder were the first to make the running, leaving Innocence re in the back-ground. Proposal got off badly. and seemed inclined to play the ah Nearing home Rouge-Dragon and Pearl-Powder were found to want stayin peas, and were easily beaten by Innocence, who came in with @ rush, having evidently been carefully traine yo her owner. Pro- posal cleverly caught up the favourite at the post, and turned the race into a dead-heat. The final contest has been ‘arranged to come off after the St. apy = s (Hanover Square) Meeting. Rouge-Dragon and Pearl-Powder a bad third and fourth. The rest beaten off. Tae Seconp-rate Frretation PLats. Mrs. Grass Widow’s Impudence by Licence out of Bounds se Mr. Tenterfour’s Fascination by Cll se of Office Hours 2 Miss Bridget’s Coquetry by Butter out of Middle Age 8 Betting.—2 to 1 on Impudence, 25 to 1 against Gallantry, 500 to 1 eqpinet uetry, udence spalatelned the lead from the first, and won by several wane Fascination, yee placed second, found the pace much fo. ve, for him, and Coquetry walked in ‘with the crowd. rest 0 e field were lost. It was universally admitted that the competitors in this race were of very little value. Tue Monry Bags Hanpicar (Eighteen Hundredth Year). Lord Chalkstone’s Needy Earl by Blue Blood out of Credit . 1 Mr. Cotton Lord’s Heiress by Cash out of the Gutter : . 2 Betting.—1000 to 1 on Needy Earl. This was a very hollow mors Ny The remainder of the entries were 80 oo Searey pe pect that they never even showed at the start. Asa eedy Earl might have walked over, as it was known that 1 the Neody had passed into the hands of Lord C stone by private arrangement. LATEST BETTING ON THE COURSE. Tur Gotpen Rivne (with a Title and £20,000 a-year added). 2 to 1 on Sister to Croesus (w.) 25 — 1 against Milliner’s Pride (t. and off.) 50—1 — Venus Unadorned. 100—1 — Fat and Forty. Tue HeartH any Home Sraxes. (A Selling Handicap.) 1000 to 1 against Professional Beauty (offered—no takers). power as was @x- Pays-Sans-Drev Toneves (with Sir H. Tyler's compliments).— Those that dare say a word for BrapLaven. IN MEMORIAM. Games Robinsou Blanche, SOMERSET-HERALD, Port, DraMATIsT, AND ARCH MOLOGIST. Born in London, February 29,1796. Died in Chelsea, May 30, 1880. I = te pamblp Lmao in which he died, oa oe - ened eee — stream Of eae Of black a ote Sait hearse, and sable team. I cross the narrow Where he fought out ahrot qo figh kened windows’ decent gloo the dar Mark how about the coffin all is bright : A of saan end vagrant of the et — Seiler of faved tabard , hat, and sword Laid on the the past, eer po of With his life’s best-loved labour in accord. And marks of friendship, old but not outworn, estas ane enemas pure and fragrant flowers; mt ugh smile of gum, and kindly fall of showers. ag bends i’ the dim and dusty past, records, plays,— Rt to semen wer the eouds of Ape v4) to ol chase, the rt of fun to To ee world legends lending a new _ “ai love ae at me, : , Winning unsought laud ; Wat hie the motte, "At Rome as at Rome. fy gctems d for himself, me bor oprees with free hand ; never keen for pelf, the fullest wipe could stand ave ond brave, si ss wv 4, 7% ly gave @ whow sought, of al be had and kne proving od = vod life's pea Eee about his knee? : hearth, and there was he, wan age eve amanivod' day spent life had oh ie, ‘brain, sreegih Testned in ph s rugged way. him, yiiic he did its hest ; aos of 4 pingh on him at last, Ant. on his brighter ” pes mood Of sunshine out of ss To a life’s close, Nie ai see ws work will od ber of less grain— a dst that time shall sift and eave. Grey Suretines (latest quotation).— Manchester to Bombay, ** Learn to labour, to weight.”

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274 ; ____ PUNCH , OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Jove 12, 1880, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. N er Nai \ ‘4 U \ een | S&S AN X STAN eo NAY Puncn should have noted, last week, a brief note, but with a big echo, that rang through the dark vaults of Corporation Castle. It was GLapstone the Giant-killer sounding the horn of inquiry and rousing the Giant Sentinels of the Civil Hold wherein the ancient and quiet Livery Companies hold high festival! Has the Hour come, and the Man? It was not for nothing that the City said, ‘‘ No” to him and his at the Gene- ral Election. Friday, May 28 (Lords.)—To Lord OnANMORE and Browne once more nagging at Lord Ripon, Lord Narrer of Ettrick my Lord NortHBRrook showed somewhat superfluously from the stand- points of an ex-Governor of Madras, and an ex- Governor-General, how far apart from the battle- field of sectarian strife lay the domain of Indian Vice-Royalty. (Commons.)—A long wait, followed by a rush of questioners. Sir Cuantes Drtxe could fortunately set the perturbed spirit of Mr. LanoucHere at rest, by the assurance that England was under no extra- Parliamentary engagements to any foreign Power. tl r Wp) ilt

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Juxe 12, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 275 Mr. Caapiin might take it that Mr. Guapstone HAD called the Anglo-Turkish Convention an “insane in- strument.” But then the instrument was in the European Concert, and must be taken into account in the orchestra, sane or insane. A long and barren fight over the composition of the Bradlaugh Committee. e Opposition, who have eleven to the Government dozen, besides two Home-Rulers. complain, mirabile dictu, by the Liberal lips of Lord RanDoLpH CHuRCHILL, that the Committee includes only two Nonconformists, one Catholic, and no Seotch- man. Considering that their own eleven numbers ten English Churchmen, and an ex-Irish Attorney-General, while the Government dozen includes three Non-con- formists, one Roman-Catholic, one Jew, and one Member for a Scotch Boroug’ , though not a Scotchman, Mr. G. O. Trevetyan—* Caledoniis ipsis Caledonior ”—this complaint is rather cool. Though the Motion for adjourn- ment, moved by Sir H. D. Wotrr, and seconded by Sir Batpwin LeigHton—Arcades ambo—was defeated by 256 to 100, the Irreconcileables mean to have another hammer at it on Monday, before the Opposition Eleven, and the Ministerial Eleven, with one added, go in for their match. Then to Supply. Three hours wasted on Irish Secret Service Vote, of 25,000, Mr. Parnett withdrawing his Motion on being by Mr. Forster that he hoped to keep to his determination not to use any of the money in any way his conscience disapproved of, and trusted next year to be able to get rid alike of the vote and the need of it. Let Irish Members give their best support to law and order, and Irish Secret Service Money might soon be an ugly memory of the past. ‘‘So mote it be,” says Grand- Puncu. Monday (Lords).— An edifying little Education debate, Lord Norton urging a return to the sweet simplicity of the Three R’s, and discouragement of the “fancy subjects,” which now help to addle pupils’ heads and to fill teachers’ pockets, ex-President Duke of Ricumonp, con., and Lord SHEeRBrooke, late Lowe, now exalted, speaking for the first time from his higher sphere, pro. He, too, is the friend of the three R’s. His testimony to the way the greatest of them fares in the primary schools is of value. Having always had a National school-boy to read for him, he has never come upon one that could read well. (At the same time, it has been asked, not unfairly, how many Eton and Harrow boys of the same age as his National School Sixth ania bearer would he have found able to read better ?) Lord Spencer was all for keeping apart the fields of primary and secondary education. q Lord ABERDARE bore valuable testimony to improve- ment in the three R.’s; but when is common sense going to take the reins for our guidance in Primary Education and Preliminary Examination ?) (Commons.)—You want to know ‘‘ What Government is going to do about the London Water Supply?” asks the Home Secretary—just come aboara, dripping but lively. Not take up Mr. Crose’s dropped Bill—that may be con- sidered as “ written off” with an ignominious “‘ no effects” across it. We propose a Select Committee to inquire, not only into the existing supply and its fair value, but whether a better supply aan not be got from inde- pendent sources. (‘Bully for you, Sir Wittram!” though you are taking another “‘ harassed Interest,” on your hands.) The matter was not primarily one for the Imperial Government. If there were a Metropolitan Governing Body, water supply would be their business. Suppose the present Parliament set about creating such abody? (‘* Bully for you again, Sir Wrrtram!” But what if the “‘haras Interest” this time should take the + % of Gog and Magog ?) To Mr. WHALLEY much exercised about the treatment of Cerewayo, Mr. Grant-Dourr brought the comforting assurance that he would have the fullest measure of liberty compatible with his condition—whatever measure that may be. A desultory debate on the late Government’s dealings with Irish famine ; and a final fight over the Bradlaugh Committee, to which Sir W. BartreLot wants to add Mr. Orway, Lord Excuo, Mr. SHaw, and Sir Harpiner Girrarp—two bitter partisans, a Home-Ruler, and a moderate Liberal. r. GLADSTONE resisted, in a well-reasoned speech which Sir Starrorp Nortucore unaccountably charged with “‘ passion,” an ugly word which was not like Sir # con: ay TAaTED mee PILATROLEUMI) PER ON # CIRCASSIAN BLOOM “se «* I Wags tw ——— o~w| TF Ar +H M| ! Su ee ee eee | - -—— ea REGULATION. Portsmouth Barber (to Naval Officer, who has had his hair cut), ‘* Bearp TRIMMED, Sin—yes, Sin,—Gunyzgry orn Torvepo, Sin!” (Customer looks surprised.) ‘**Wunicn THe Torrepo HoRFIcERS GENERALLY HAS THEIR BEARDS PINTED— AND TBE GUNNERY GENTS WEARS THEIRS A LITTLE MORE ROUNDED, Sir !!’ us SrarrorD, and which the House insisted on his withdrawing. There never was a fairer Committee struck, and if the Whips never did worse, none could ever say black was the white of their eye. ‘ ae The funniest thing in the discussion is the sudden solicitude on the Oppo- sition side for the due representation of Nonconformists on the Committee, at which Mr. RicHarp fo ner very fair fun. : The end was the defeat of Sir WaLTEr’s attempt to weight one scale of the Committee’s balanee, by 267 to 148. P And now the B ugh Committee may set to work, and the sooner it gets its disagreeable business disposed of the better. The temper that has been im- ported into its appointment, has, certainly, not cleared its way to a judicial entry on its inquiry. Tuesday (Lords).—Lord Carrs’ Land Bills were read a Second Time, with a warning that the Government did not promise them support, intending to deal with the subject as a whole themselves as soon as possible. ( Cotamehn, the very unsatisfactory bottle of Cyprus, which so offended the nostrils of Mr, Currpers in Mr. Punch's ‘* Derby Lunch,” uncorked by Mr. Rytanps. He is for remedying all the evils which the late advisers of the new ‘' Diva potens Cypri,” Her Gracious Masesry, have established or intro- duced there, as forced labour, arbitrary exile, limitations on land sales and the systematic depression of the Greek tongue and Greek tribunals under Turkish. Finally Mr. Rrtaxps wants to know whether we couldn’t introduce the Cypriots to the blessings of our own election system. } Perhaps if Cyprus knew all we ys it might not be so eager for this latter boon, however grateful for the others. é Sir Cuartes Ditxe gave a full and frank answer, about as satisfactory as answer could be, on this very unsatisfactory ‘‘ dependency,” or ‘‘ acquisition,” or ‘‘experiment,” or ‘model farm,” or “‘ place of arms,” or whatever the ex-Home of Venus and fantasy of Fakredeen should be called. | The island is to be turned over from the hands of the Foreign Office to the Colonial Office. They do know ing there about governing “ depen- dencies,” and have constitutional apparatus in stock of all sorts, sizes, and shapes. Something may be found to fit even ~~ Sir R. Broputrm had already received instructions to do all he could in the way of easing the chafe of arbitrary laws, and healing the fret of harsh ordinances. a

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| reason and charity, and the 276 Mr. Grapstowe topped-up with the pithy resumé, ‘‘ That our main iy ae business in Cyprus is to bestow good government on the eople.”’ ’ oy | is a the Fakredeen point of view, let Sir Starrorp say what he will. A squabble over the Merchant Shipping Bill Committee. The late “Ins” have had their own pull in their Select Committees so long that they can’t submit to the change of balance in the House; an seem to want, in effect, a majority for the minority, instead of the time-honoured proportion of parties approved by cycles of Leaders and consecrated by generations of Whips. Wednesday.—The British Working-man is no longer to have to choose between his vote and his victuals. . Mr. A. Druxe brings in a Bill to extend polling hours in all Boroughs till eight in the evening; and Sir W. Hanrcovar promises him Government support. Earl Percy is not to have his Select Committee on Ancient Monu- ments. The subject has been committeed to death. Here is excellent Sir Jouw Lupnock in the House; and here is his Hobby tye ns for him, saddled and bridled. Why should Earl Percy stop the way Thursday.—The last shriek of the High-Church birds of ill omen over the removal of the Barial Ground ie The Bishop of Lrxcoiy, the honestest, blindest, and most unrea- sonable of Clerics, found fit voice for the Church’s most extravagant claims and most unreasonable fears. The — of Barn anp WELLS made a good second to Lrvcom, bli bigoted, and i hardly less blind, less less irrational in his fears. If this brace of Bishops had prayed for a lay-third of their own kidney, they had him in Lord BROOK. he two Archbishops, the Bishop of Lowpow, Lord Dersy, and the Lorp CHANCELLOR spoke ta the side, and in the tongue, of Lords showed that their voices have weight even with Olympian minds, for passed the Second Reading by 126 to 101, the majority incl: bishops. They may add Lord Pemcn’s “Content!” and make it 26 in faveur of burying a reot of where none should ever have been planted, in the eh Commons.)—There isa masters take one view, men another. Are question on which to be liable for injuries done to their workmen when no personal negligence of the employer can be shown ? “Yes,” say the men. “No,” say the masters. ‘‘ When there is negligence on the part of those invested by the masters with authority,”’ says the Government Bill, introduced by Mr. Donson. It ae the via — pelea the L nmeond demand for ee in all but cases of employers’ prov panes Ree ce; the men’s for liability in all cases where negligence can be ught home to anyone. The masters found voices for their fears of what the proposed change of the law would do to cripple enterprise and frighten —_ in Mr. Kwowxes, Mr. Stavetey Hirt, Mr. E. Warxrn, and r. Davies. The men urged their claims to more protection against negligence, and relaxation of the rule of ‘“‘common employment,” through Mr. Burt, Mr. Macponatp, and Mr. Broapuurst who, in a manly manner, brought to the di ion the experience of a working stone- mason, and was listened to respectfully, as every voice of practical knowl is li to in the House of Commons. he ex- Attorney-General and the present spoke from their ‘‘ briefs,” against and for the Bill. Mr. Covrtwer weighed the measure in the philosophic scales between master and man. Sir Starrorp Norrucore attacked the Bill as a dummy, and Mr. Guapstone defended it as a measure in he mon = 1 though open to modifications in Committee. Mr. Crate and Mr. Cross wanted it referred to a Select Com- mittee. Bat in the end, after a long but not unprofitable night’s talk, the Bill was a Second Time without division, and the first s taken to the settlement of an old and irritating question as to whic men’s demands are very likely excessive, but masters’ fears are cer- tainly exaggerated. Railway servants, above all, po stand in need of more protection, and more provision in the shape of compensation for families bereft of breadwinners by the working of and arrange- ments which make risk of life an inevitable condition of employment. ON PIRST SEEING LORD SHERBROOKE IN THE HOUSE OF LORDS. (By Lord B.) “ How fearefull And dizzie ’tis to caste one’s eyes so Lowe !"’ King Lear (Folio of 1623). Wrra nor Farrs evoven to Swear BY.—Mr. Baapiaven. ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [June 12, 1880, WANTED A CHILD. FAR Mr. Ponca, Is there any _ chance of our ever having at the Education Department some one who has ever seen a Cuitp? It would be such an excellent change! None of the late Lords of the Council have been able to picture to themselves what a child is like! I know, dear Mr. Punch, that you and I both want the million to be educated. But it is not generally known that gutter-children do not hear much at home about Botany ge and a very sm proportion of their parents read the Nineteenth Century. Now the want of educa- tion at home makes it more diffieult for the children 4 learn at Be 2 € good o ays 0 : : 1870 our children did learn to read, write, andJcipher well, and thus had the key of knowledge in their own hands. But now their poor little brains are addled with a multitude of subjects (not one of which they know enough about to be of much use), that such common matters as the Three ‘R.’s” are in danger of going to the wall. Please, then, dear Mr. Punch, do ask the new to make an effort to secure the sight of achild! I understand that it would not be difficult. Yours, affectionately and et HOOL MANAGER. I take no notice of the way in which Pupil Teachers are being injured by over-work, as I understand it is desired to diminish their number. Butsurely this is cruel sport. Why cannot they be put away without so much suffering ? SOUVENIRS OF THE SULTAN. Tae Suitan, on the departure of Sir Hewry Layarp from Con- stantinople, presented his Excellency with ‘‘ two pieces of antique china.” Encouraged by the gracious spuipten of these valuable articles, his Majesty intends offering the following little souvenirs to the illustrious personages whose names are attached to them. To the Right Honourable W. E. Giadstone.—A curious collection of old Hatts of shocking quality—once in use in Bulgaria and the other provinces of European Turkey. To the ~~ of Austria.—A piece of the original draft Treaty of Berlin. Very curious. To the Czar of Russia.—A series of Turkish Bonds with their equivalents in Russian ditto (in one frame). To the Prince Von Bismarck.—A book of valuable old recipes for the treatment of sudden and convenient indispositions, including **The Padisha’s Toothache.” To the President of the French Republic.—A Plan for the Regene- ration of Turkish Finance (3rd Edition), for use of a French Syndi- cate, accompanied by a request for a trifle on account. To the dive of. Egypt.—A batch of his Highness’s sisters, and his aunts and his cousins—already refused. And to Mr. Punch.—His Majesty’s se ry: any publica tion when a very bad joke may be wanted to fill a column. THE LANDLORD’S LITTLE GAME. No opposition ean be offered to the Ground Game Bill except by some extremely harebrained Tory. THE STATE OF THE NAVY. ForEwARNED is not forearmed, as yet, to the completeness requisite for national insurance. Heratpry awp Horseriesn.—The Winner of the Derby upon Epsom Downs— Bend d’ Or on a Field Vert. © To Oonnzsronprnts.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed envelope. Jor Contrivutions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by 4 should be kept.

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June 19, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 277 ‘““A PROPOS DE BOTTES.” Elderly Adonis, ‘‘By THE BYR, Frank, I Wish YOU ’D GIVE ME THE ADDRESS OF youR BooTMAKER. I NEVER SEEM TO GET HOLD oF A FELLOW WHO CAN MAKE MY Furr | LOOK DECENT WITHOUT | PLNCHING ° THEM |”? OUR REPRESENTATIVE ALL ABROAD. At Aixz-les-Bains—The Season—Adjectives—The Future—The Present—The Casino—The Country—The Bains—The Director—The Doctor—Douche— Sarah B.—Sarcey—Mistakes— Gush—Le Gaulois— Tout- Paris—Snoring— Starvation—Plenty—A Delusion—Remonstrance—Promise—Au Plaisir. Sre,—I write this to you from .... a Casino! No, Sir, Your Representa- tive has not gone wrong, and yet he spends his days and nights at a Casino— | th the Casino d’ Aix-les-Bains (Sayoie)—a Casino, you see, quite out of the reach of the Middlesex tes, and, as I myself am, quite out of the smoke, and fog, and dust, and heat, and Palsiedes else you have, including /es odeurs in London. is a Casino, pur e¢ simple, and includes billiard-rooms, cercle, café, salons ae? music and dancing, and a prettily laid-out garden, where we w ‘smoke, ; and where, when we’ve been very for a week or so, the Director | to treats us to fireworks, and the National (English) Anthem. Once a week there is a ball; and later on, when the more serious have finished their course, and returned to their several native lands, there will be balls on a more festive scale, and a second Casino open, called the Villa des Fleurs, where there will be theatrical performances, Concerts, and tables de jeu—the “jeu” en — being baccarat. Such is the prospect for the Parisian Season at Aix-les- ains ; and, no aout, judg from the commencement, it will be bee gay, very brilliant, very hot halkfly d. dusty, enchanting, delightful, magni ane, = midal, and, in fact, worthy of any other laudatory epithets. For as possesses adjectives, why not ay oe (4 them As, for instanee, be I of the Villa des Fleurs being surroun a “* parc immense,’ and I Iw round itin something under ten minutes. ** Well,” I say to myself—‘‘ there are adjectives: use them while you can Our motto here is, ** Go it, you cripples! ” But I am glad to record that after a wer few yo is Ge sticks ‘and crutches disappear; but then the people who/| ¢ used them also pny yt and so “ the Cure” is not danced ; and the dancing is but a poor affair at peuanine of the season. When the French arrive, how- ever, it is quite another pair of shoes; in fact, several other pairs of wil = different feet in aa and nimble legs to match. They don’t come here, 8 Parisiennes, et les Parisiens, bless you! for the benefit of their health, but simply pour s’amuser, pour se distraire. But even in this present serious time, when my compatriots are here, like hams in a pickle-tub, petaly end, caly to be “‘ cured,” it ,= » tupeee to be dull at There are excursions for day in the year ; endless beauties in every direction ; more you see, the more you would wish to see, a you would like to remain, M, or is the very King of Directors, or I should t, and the employés, the Doucheu the orteurs, Commissionnaires, one and most civil, at- i and obliging. M. Jaqurvor himself, retarning to native after nineteen years of exile in England, is a model ublican, rightly comprehending the mean- of Liberté, aternité ; gegerous, cone considerate, to grant to all that freedom ich he asks The Uecieneiee at Aix is a Government t, and in unsettled times it is at least one that the ee man should bes in the right eve si the Senators and Depaiass like M, Jaqur- NOT, @ mcidaape ise could soon be found, Extreme Right ds b gaeaky with Extreme Left, and all ve ey ors Y over ater ofa this 1 etter is not meant to be either a disquisition al situation, a Guide to ‘Alz-les- Bains, ree an my to Docteur fai oe nee th a blue cover its Buavenp bane 4 = tl send anyone in less than no wa were ber * Co, and Mw +. wy pee ome f them the librette for a new opéra > . the madding crowd of London, I am y interested in rench accounts of Saran Senpuahen’s visit to the Gaiety ; not that I am inclined to rave eens Ber, bs i esewse pe puriews to ascertain whether the arp sad telligent erties belonging to the Fron = papers now Hugliahe more about London and Londoners—not to say — they did ten or fifteen years ago. The temen”’ 4 a rule do; but the French journalists, wither it be M. FRancisque Rance, . Viru, or Anybodyelse, certainly do not. vt the “«gushers” of the English Press should excite Sancey’s derision is perfectly intelligible, and we a, a great deal too much of thie criticism in excelsis ; but in supposing that only the Parisian critics possess the art of writing so as to be read between the lines, M. Sarcey is quite wrong, and only right when he admits that hiss inability to detect this subtlety in his No; from English confréres may possibly arise from his want of a oy uaintanee with the ioe Sagiieh language. ” of the Eng lang e are as various as the “‘ nastinesses” of ee rench literature, of which Nana, Le Nabab, and L’ Assommoir are specimens. Now here, at Aix, on our Club table I find Le Gaulois an excellent journal. correspondent si g himself + on ee in giving an account of a . KALB to encounter before che could a ® lod describes the English sleeping in the e tanga Hotel “*ronflant comme les Anglais wt. ponte. ronfler ane dear ! Haven't T a night-mare, or night-mail = of a fat Frenchman, one hot onyat k=! grunting ea pi , blowing like a grampus, as h e slept pode “4 ie unjust from Calais to eo only ar cunning is throat, and to growl at th ould I eked conclude that he was snoring comme les Francais seuls savent ron- Jler! Ex uno disce omnes? Certainly not. Of course, it’s a sore point with every one: noone owns to snoring. As to the cuisine, M. ‘‘Tour-Panis,” seems to be still ender the delusion that we only eat ‘‘ roast beef ’’—he actually spells it correctly —boiled potatoes, and ‘* mutton- shops.” He says, “‘ Leur estomac parisien” —he is speaking of a| the unfortunate French actresses condemned to serve out their time in London—“ Ne se fait guére d la cuisine Anglaise. Le roast beef et des pommes de terre cuites d comm ¢ c’ est AD raed de cuisine, comme ‘ god-dam’ est le any air ed - carriage. But ‘ond de ngue ”—and then meeting "ile. Kats in t Street, ** En te de nourriture moins substan- et variée,” he can only pity her as “‘ la pauvre affamécy” but evidently, does not Ay w his London au bout des ongles, and so is Fy to a He her that at th} the Café Royal, in this 5 very Regent Street, the Poor starved could p artiste rocure as a French as she would find at a Parisian urant ;—that the itable Vexny’s was open to her; that ‘there was wi hail Kerrwer’s, in Church Street, Soho; and, VoL, LXXVII. BB - + —

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eS 278 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (a i | [June 19, 1880, CONSCIENTIOUS. Conductor (declining a Tract which was offered him with his Fare). ‘‘ Very MUCH OBLIGED, MuM, BUT WE AIN’T ALLOWED TO TAKE \ g ’ ANY PERQUISITES WHATEVER, Mum!!” finally, the Continental Restauration at the Waterloo Place end of the same Regent Street. Why doesn’t Mr. Mayer, the active entre- preneur, compile for the use of the French artistes visiting London, a Vade Mecum, telling them where to dine? M. Tour-Panris goes | rul on, ‘‘ Une fois encore, des amis sont venus la tirer d’embarras et consoler son estomac,”—poor dear!—‘‘en lui envoyant un tas de petites friandises qu'elle s’est mise a croquer a belles dents. Oh! les prunes vertes, les pommes acides,”’-—I really do pity them! how could they have played at night ?—‘“‘ les abricots pas murs, comme tout cela hautait sa gourmandise rassasiée de mutton-shops.” Now, will some kind person find out M. *‘ Tout-Paris,” and just give him a club-dinner, or even a dinner at that small restaurant in the Strand, near the Vaudeville Theatre, I forget the name? Ah, M. ‘* Tour-Pants,” had you been here, in Aix, uaing the last week, you would have seen four Englishmen, who having fondly expected a real French menu at the table d’hite dejeiiner of a first-rate French hotel, were cruelly disappointed at being served with fried soles done to a mere chip, a few straggling shapeless somethings, neither cételette nor chop,—perhaps they were the real ‘‘ mutton-shops,”—and, at another time, with slices of cold ham and chicken, without any salad—such slices as might represent the débris of a supper that even the waiters had not thought it worth their while to take away in their umbrellas. Then, when, in obedieace to the demand of one of the party, a salad was made, Heavens! what an amount of crude vinaigre’ And yet this was at a hotel where the same party of Englishmen—gquorum pars parva fui—ordering a private dinner, gratefully es pny in the result the artistic work of a vrai cordon bleu. Now would my compatriots have been justified in at once assert- ing that bad salads, ragged cutlets, and vin were the fond of the general cuisine ? or that because some Frenchmen always seem to be clearing their throats, no matter whether in a club-room or a church, that, therefore, all Frenchmen have this pleasing habit ? ‘fe must be a very narrow-minded Briton who arrives at such a conclusion ; one of those ex i i in won tourist suits, veritable Anglais pour rire accom: by les j blond isses, who talk loudly in Club Reading-Rooms and in Catholic Churches ; who walk about during the most solemn services, and who cause a great amount of trouble by their insular underbred bearing. There are /es Frangais pour rire in London, just as there are ‘les Anglais pour rire in Paris, only that we in{England take such speci- mens as exceptions, while the Frenchmen take our exceptions as the e. Compare Mr. Groner Saxa’s letters from Paris with anything that any French journalist has written about London within the last ten years, including M. Assozant’s English at Home, which is far from being faultless by any means. __ : In protesting against this superficial judgment, methinks, my Liege, I do not protest too much; but if [ have set down aught in malice, I will make a pilgrimage to the Grande Chartreuse, some thirty miles from here, and in the solitude of those mountains I will retire to my monastic cell, or cellar—for I shan’t get any further— and imbibe the veritable religious spirit, and your readers will rejoice at having heard the last of VYeue Revanssrrasrve. Cercle d’ Aches-les- Bones (Savoie). P.S.—I must now get out my chaise—I mean, my chaise a deux orteurs—and be chaired all the way upto the Baths, like a popular ember after an election. I inclose sketch. En Rovrge rour ies Barns A AIX.

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Se Jone 19, 1880] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 279 —_— Hanes and Rabbits may be killed and taken by any of the ordinary methods, except dynamite or the catapult, from April 1 to Feb. 29, at any hour between sunrise and sunset convenient to the occupier, or, W there is a ‘‘ concurrent right,” to the owner. The month of March to be a close time for Hares. conditions. Apply at the Home Office. The occupier may kill the Hares and the owner the Rabbits, or vice versd, as may be mutually agreed by a deed-poll enrolled in the Court of cery ; or the occupier and owner may go out together and kill both Hares and Rabbits at the same time, in the exercise of their concurrent rights. The mene may borrow the owner’s dogs; the owner may request the loan of the occupier’s ferrets. The owner’s gamekeepers will poy be at the service of the occupier (except between September 1 and —_~ | 1), but the occupier must pay the keepers’ wages and expenses, an hf oe eee Slee Fe Cne Giee liveries so long as they are in his employment. Neither Hares nor Rabbits may be shot, coursed, netted, or snared by the electric or any other artificial light, without a special | mw ee the Lord of the Manor, to be obtained fourteen days Hares and Rabbits may be taken by moonlight under certain | HARES ANDO RABBITS BILL (AMENDED). A QUESTION OF ABSORPTION. Any Hare or Rabbit found, after the passin, this Act, on grass- of land, in growing corn, or in turnips, will be destroyed without further notice, unless born on the estate. Hares and Rabbits may not be killed on the same day, except on Bank Holidays, Saturday afternoons, and the Home Secarrary’s Birthday. The oceupier’s ‘‘ agents’ may be his son, grandson, uncle, nephe son-in-law, or brother, or any of his wife’s male relations, provid they are twenty-one years of age, born or gens | on the premises i shoot, and not or within a ring-fence, able to read, write, an Quakers, Moravians, or Separatists ed It will not be com: on the occupier to provide luncheon for the owner when the latter is exercising his concurrent right—but it OE Ne ee © Ser me cnas some hospitality, and to accom- pany him his excursion over the propert and Rabbits killed and taken Act may be on presents, or sold to licensed dealers. — the provisions of this the occupier’s premises, or distributed If the owner waives his concurrent right, the occupier must present him once a year with a rabbit pie, tastefully decorated, or a tureen of hare soup, at the owner’s option, as a compli acknowledgment.

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Wer Sc aipialieas 2 mall mantener 09 280 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juwe 19, 1880, The rural Constabulary to have power to kill and take either a Hare or Rabbit if it crosses their beat during the night, but the animal so slain will be the property of the nearest occupier, or occu- pier and owner, if they have concurrent rights. Hares and Rabbits found ing on lawns or in private gardens without a special licence from the occupier tied round their necks, will be prosecuted according to law. For the purposes of this Act, the word “‘ Hares” means also leverets, and the word ‘‘ Rabbits” means both conies and bunnies. This Act not to apply to Welsh Rabbits, the ‘‘ Hare with many Friends,” currant jelly, or onion sauce. Wherever in this Act the pronoun “‘ his” occurs, it signifies also “‘her;” in like manner the plural is to be in as including the singular; and the **ocoupier” and ‘“‘owner” equally apply to tenant and landlord, without prejudice. his Act may be cited for all purposes as the ‘‘ Hares and Rabbits Act, 1880;” and it must be so quoted cn the collar of all pointers, greyhounds, lurchers, terriers, and other dogs kept by the ocoupier for the destruction of ground game. THE BEADLE! oR, THE LATEST CHRONICLE OF SMALL-BEERJESTER. BY ANTHONY DOLLOP. Author of “‘ The Chronicles of Barselishire,” “ Beerjester Brewers,” “The Halfway House at Aleinton,” “ Thoriey Farm for Cattle,” “ Family Par ” “The Prying Minister,” “* Pearls before Swine, or, Used his Diamonds ?” ** Rub the Hair,” “* The Way We Dye Now,” * Fishy Fin,” “‘ Fishyas Wilduz,” ** Dr. Thorne and David James,” “* Star and Garter, Richmond,” “ Rachel Hooray !” “ The Jellies of Jelly,” “ The Bertrams and Roberts,” “ Pye-Anna,” “ Tails of All Creatures,” “’Arry’ ww ‘ Mary Greasily,” ‘* Vicar of Pullbaker,” “McDermott of Balladn n,” “ Can’t You Forget Her?” ** He Knew He Could Write,” §e., Se. CHAPTER III. Cuprp AND PROMETHEUS. ND’ now looms before me the Novelist’s great, but inevitable, difficulty. Miss Morteena Srorp- LkR, the second daughter of the Reverend. Beadle- Percentor, and pounaee Sister of EVALEEN, who became Mrs. Arch- beacon OveEr- WAYTE, must be described. Joun Bouncer, who was in love with her, though he had barely admitted the fact to himself, still less to her, could have painted her portrait for us, and she would have come off with flying colours. But I am not Joun Bounce, and I have got to describe Miss Mor- LEENA. In person she was scarcely so stout as her sister would have led you to expect, had you received your inform- ation from her; but, at the same time, SAmBcT RHE. she was of a rather finer type—when, | d as the chief compositor of the Beerjester Local Gazette described her, ‘when she was well set up, with big caps’’—than you could have anticipated, had you heard to the con . Her face would have been beauti had it not been for a development of cheek, with which nature had gifted her. Her nose was of the Bluecoat Boys’ School model, and would have been recognised by any of those scholars as a Grecian. Her hair, which was copious, was something between auburn, and a carat-golden hue—a sort of negative, ending in a very decided knot. She had a well shaped h so strikingly Well-shaped, indeed, that any Lady seeing her for the first time in reading a sentimental novel, which would easily draw tears from her eyes, might have feared for her being afflicted with water on the brain. 1 fear that unmarried Ladies of thirty-five will set down Mor- LEENA for a gusher, and think that there is anything but truth in the depth of that Well-shaped head. ‘ Dear Spinsters, you are wrong ; Gone I fancy that girls of twenty and old Ladies of sixty will probably be right in their appreciation of Miss Morieena’s charaeter ; for the young female hearts and the old female heads know, how, when their tears welled up to their eyes, their nature was bettered down to their d depths. Miss Mortrena had a lurking suspicion that Joun Bounce loved her. Ithink that most of you, my dear Ladies, in her position would have come to the same conclusion ; h the conclusion is not to be arrived at in this Chapter. Jomw Bounce had waylaid her in dark corners, on the landing, in the shrubbery, coming through the rye, in the lane when the clock struck nine, and, I admit, he had pat his arm round her waist, had squeezed her, and had prevented er any observations by demonstrating what was the real meaning of what the clergy were always denouncing as mere lip- service. If any young unmarried lady of forty-five reflects what she would have done in similar circumstances, or what she may have done when tried in the like manner, I am sure she will not age | blame Morteena for not crying out at the top of her voice, an needlessly alarming the neighbourhood. Perhaps she was kissed: I do not say she was, I do not say she was not; but I give my solemn word an oe assurance, that, if such a catastrophe did happen, as she told nobody about it, and Joun Bounce never mentioned it to a soul, it went no further. And, if it_be true that “‘ A kiss in time saves nine,” I do not think that any Ladies, of an economical and prudent turn of mind, would be inclined to find fault with MoRLEENA. Such was the state of affairs in this quarter when it occurred to Joun Bounce to inquire into Dexpien’s Trust, to set his lawyer Fisuy to work, and, above all, to down on the Small-Beer- jester Dignitaries the thunder and lightning of that all-powerful — of the Press, the Penny Promet > e Prometheus was just at this moment me me for some object at which it could hurl its latest invented tion of the eadliest thunderbolts, while shaking its sheet-iron thunder, and sending its office-made cannon-balls rolling about the printing-office, which sounded to the outer world i -- like the genuine thing, terrifying the simple publie with such terrific flashes of their liquo- podium torches as made ordinary men quake and tremble, startled the holders of high office, shook dynasties, and brought to their knees the boldest politicians. : : The Prometheus had lately been engaged in scathing diatribes on the unexampled severity of the weather, and the intolerable nuisance of a continued East Wind. Their articles on this, as it had come to be called Eastern Wind Question, had lashed the people of the British Isles into a perfect frenzy. The Penny Prometheus had solemnly declared that the subject of the East Win ust thoroughly ventilated ; that an Act of Parliament was immediately 3 5 z required, even if the Queen’s Prerogative had to be enforced, in

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jone 19, 1880, FROU-FROU!” Professor Tristan (who has been chatting with Mrs. Lovelace—to Captain Lovelace, who has been walizing with Mrs, Tristan). “ WHat a Ltrcky Fettow you akg, LovELace! You CaN DANC®# WITH MY WIFE, AND you ’RE MARRIgD TO Your own!” (Mrs. T. is telling Mrs, L. that t» dance with Captain Lovelace is like being in Heaven! THE TWO GARDENERS. Ben (aside . Pheugh! Ain’t hea call this pertikler good Ah, WILLIaM, my wigorous peswing away? (Puff! puff!) un. You look a bit fagged like and heated, my W1LtI4M, and yet, after all, You don’t seem to be making much headway, now do you? William (indignantly). . ell, Ben, I do call | That remark most an + Why, hang it, you left things in such » you’ll have a stiff back ere | That a vile mess, r to collar my crib, you was, Witttam. You've done it | Ben, Well, you were sweet on the job, and I’m sure, mate, I wish you success. But aren’t you beginning to feel a bit sorry you got me chucked | I was just in the midst of it like, you were in such a hurry, you see ; out ? Sunday best and pipe on the quiet, like this now, is really not | lon ae (contemptuousi, ! ain’t he a-laying about him! | With a little more time I’d have made a good job of it. ). Fiddledee ! look at the stones pm the stumps, ill-kept pathways and clod- P cumbered beds, Pan tan rater es |The rubbish heaps, tangles of brushwood, the flowers all hanging Oh, blarm that there Ben! | 7), e. .. heads (Puffs emt) ») diggin sperately). He has left me a 0 Boe beas eeds stiff and staring! Good Lord! there is work for a whole | But -_ though he’s smart in his chat, he was always the laziest| y. Sev of men. ° a big garden in order? Lor bless yer, my dear Mr. Bux! | never tried clearing or pruning. Such work isn’t gardening, EN. chap who won’t dig, and the weeds never | Ben (cheerfully). Well, well, you can now try your hand. I am troubles to pull ? _- Ben (aside). Ah! Wi1u’s getting waxy, I fear. (Puff! puff!) | That's right, bend your Doesn’t seem to know where to begi | Wire in, my dear Witt! What with weeds, cloddy soil, rambling quite sure you’ve got plenty of tools; . ack to it, W1LLIaM: it’s bound to get stiff if it cools. | ’ r) Py 7 A A 1 * * . i i i k ; | 1’)l wager a trifle his shirt is beginning to stick to his skin. i Ripe ena — Zesable ozo mere tomy mind iene apt *F Strolle off. rest, William (digging furiously). He’s the nerve of Old Nick! satiaid You'll — ot to put things all ship-shape will put all your power [Left hard at it. (Aloud.) Well, babes pe my pippin, how goes it by this time ? ids! ane gow these? Mysteries of London. a tt eae Lhd t I°d give you a friendly look-in, the air. ' fook up to the nines, I must say. Sunday | home of even the most respectable and best, I suppose ? Ben (airily). Ah, Enjying my holiday greatly. . as I chanced tobe} A skeLETow in the cupboard is a so-called skeleton that visitors of course expect to be shown if ne ee best-regulated family any- where; but now also in the Me lis at least, and a decent and even fashionable part of it, the explorer must not be astonished by A pipe and a stroll, don’t yer know. | the discovery of a skeleton, properly so called, in the cellar. =

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LABOUR AND REST. Ex-Heap GarpEner (retired from business). ‘WELL, WILLIAM, YER DON’T SEEM TO BE MAKIN’ MUCH PROGRESS—DO YER!” New Heap Garperrr. “‘ WHY NO, BENJAMIN; YOU LEFT THE PLACE IN SUCH A PRECIOUS MESS!!” =

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June 19, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 285 THE DUTCH PLAYS AT THE IMPERIAL THEATRE. F ceive in a A satisfactory form than broken references to Mynheer van . breadth of beam, nautical and otherwise, VoLTare’s time-worn epi , dykes, heavy dancing, and pottle-deep tions. A visit the Ie bash to the — Theatre will somewhat surprise, if it do not a " people of to see plays, rendered in a would now be rejoicing in use of going to hear Actors, of whose aes you cannot f s not unnatural query. Jr. "8 reply is, ‘‘Go and try for yourselves.” The intent and earnest interest evinced by audiences the major portion of which are a’ stand a word?” is Society’ sumably as ignorant of Dutch as of the Acoadian di once a tribute to the power of this admirable Company of rs, and a ret that it is quite worth while to pay them a visit. With of the English text-books, freely distributed, any one ma follow, with fair understanding, the progress of the pieoe—a tas: rendered easier than might be imagined by dramatic attion, too appropriate to be wholly unintelligible, and facial play too @xpressive the ai to be easily mistaken. odsnappian prejudices. If, indeed, powerful and finished acting alone could draw language unfamiliar to it, the I crowded audi the Academy Indeed, the felt drawback in the whole of this play is, that certain Dutch characteristics hardly lend themselves “ I~ matters dramatic ily to the expression of that airy ry. and fine-gentleman frothiness associated with French Court-life before the Revolution. the charms of the} Both in the Queen and her courtiers, male and female, there was a omen . ble, | 80upcon of quite un-Gallic heaviness. But in the more moving pesmages sien charpuese of | Of the drama this defect, on her part at least, was forgotten in the power and im veness of the impersonation. She was well supported by Mr. D. Haspers, who, as Lowis the Sixteenth, very bet A ee ob ny King’s strange mingling of volitional irresolution The scenes of the émeute in the Tuileries, the parting between the King and his family, the Queen’s alternations of passionate pleading and tigrish defiance when the villanous Simon prepares to wrest the i tions for death and passage forth to the were rend with fine and effective force, and received warm ts from an only too scanty audience. Mr. A. vaN Zuy.en is a ——, and effective actor; Mr. M touch,”’ isa new and more complimentary form of the old de- Trisive couplet which ests itself to F F i ores - 5 E di Rossrzr Faassen, as Dilksen peasant-father of Anne- Mie, and also as Simon the Cobbler, in Marie-Antoinette, played with much power and vee | and Mr. J. Haspers, as Jan Of tt -_ performers ‘cam ened i e are y more exten mention, oes oll ae said to fall their parts od uately. Dutch domes- i which are frankly and spon ectionate; Dutch ing which feewe Dutch Genaing which it were flattery ; arms, bare, plump, and akimbo ; to call Du p, pl d akimbo tech ankles, well-shaped and well-stockinged; Dutch dresses which are queer, and Dutch scenery which is—Dutch: all these may w be seen by untravelled eyes at the Imperial Theatre, doubtless wn from—and to—the life. There, likewise, may be learned Dutch ideas of dramatic finish, unforced humour, unstrained passion and historic im: on, for all which, perchance, people an layers not Du mgt coer some harvest of profitable hints. In fact, the ec Company may be welcomed from con- siderations those of mere international courtesy, and was pleased with his visits, heartily wishes them all the success they certainly merit. probably la’ the idea. The man, if a judicial min may perhaps ask, a4 Why i and pease for a reply, w he will hardly te« ences. ‘* But where ARGUMENT A LA FRANCAISE. vRinG the last fortnight duelling has become the rage in France. An example Whe & Rocnrort has been followed by a number of imita ia seems daily on the increase. Although Paris fashi find their way to London, it is satisfac- tory to think that absurd custom is not very likely to find a welcome in Still, as the national motto is, ‘* Ready, aye ready!” itis to be prepared for all contingencies. Under these circumstances , Punch has drawn up a few rules for ‘¥ Seconds to be observed im all ‘affairs of honour.” It would be _ Perhaps the most striking feature of the perfo however, | trenching on the special domain of the Medical Officers at Hanwell is their perfect ensemble. The stage is always eet, and well and Colney Hatch to any suggestions to Principals. He ma ; and the Actors, one and all, co-operate with intelligent | acknowledges, however, these hints intended to be of service care, and unobtrusive energy. finished. * Dutch pete Fp upon the stage, in fact,” suggests the reader, oe. t, and something more than that, Anne-Mie (Anglece Mary Ann), is a presentment of Dutch peasant life Teniers-like in its — but full of picturesque freshness and unhack- neyed emotional force in its rendering. A proud and vindictive peasant father, a betrayed daugh i remorse-bringing, rolling),— quieter scenes of Lae ak e play, occasion and displays the As Marie-Antoinette a favoured with a rich and sympathetic voice, plays the part of Anne-Mie, the betrayed peasant~girl. At first, and ta the th she does not grentiy inpeem, and certain peculiarities which may be described as antipodal to those of the great Saran, might perhaps lead a ribald cynic to echo Lord BEACONSFIELD’ ironic allusion to Batavian grace. When, however, passionate intensity and tragic force are required, she rises to the wers of a considerable actress. ‘ Dutch version of Giacomertti’s drama of that name, Miss Beersman, in the earlier scenes seems searcely the ideal queen of our youthful fancy and numberless in a Their postures and groupings are natural, their gestures naive and vivacious, their facial-~play ex- pressive and appropriate. There are no , stalking ‘gt the subordinate characters speak well, look well, listen well, and fit wellinto the general picture. In such smaller matters as the comical dumb-show of a pair of childish sweethearts, perched apart upon a stool, or the speech and bearing of a serving maid ina dungeon, all is studied, and yet natural, unforced, but carefully ae ter, Le Te unconsummated but > a separation a late reconciliation, are dramatic elements that have before now been dished up for the delectation of the British play-goer. Let the British playgoer, how- ever, try them, and more—in Dutch. He will hardly be disappoi Miss BreersMaN, an actress of much emotional force and great facial play — (perhaps sometimes a little e to the lesser actors in the farce of duelling are‘ not original, on the contrary, they are an adaptation—not to say a translation—from the French. 1. Remember that the commencement, continuation, and end of a hostile meeting is theatrical effect. The more ‘‘ attitude” you can throw into the affair the better. Thus, let the preliminary steps be as long as possible. Let your correspondence with the ‘‘ other side” be ver and virulent. Study ‘‘sounds” and allow ‘‘ sense” to take care of itself. 2. Having consumed ten days in settling what could have been as easily arranged in as many minutes, fix upon an hour and place of . In selecting the time you will suit the convenience of the publishers of the evening The place should be near a telegraph office, so that a full authentic account of the meeting may b dispatched to the proper quarters immediately the ‘‘ incident” is 3. V fod ogg have your men face to face, give them their weapons. Should pistols be chosen, it will be as well to remove the bullets, not only for the safety of the combatants, but for those immediately in their neighbourhood. Should swords, on the other hand, be selected, Chas place your Principals at a distance from one another, eq to both. 4, After a com lasting not quite half a minute, interpose, and declare that nan he been sooty efidiel. i wah through his own carelessness receive a slight omnia, yee will immediately bind up the wound with sticking-plaster. N.B. Be careful to carry a small packet of this useful article in your right waistcoat-pocket. 6. On your return the scene of action, deluge the papers with narratives of the ir, and remain satisfied with the consi- deration that by your the hostile meeting has been conducted i one. and the minimum of danger. gerated in the matter of eye-

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rs aici eet ey 286 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jone 19, 1980, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. | : : Uf - \\ * ) =m \\\W Ny »> 0 "han Nas » \wev,. now ‘“*A PENNY FOR HIS THOUGHTS.” Friday, June 4 (Lords).—Lord Carnarvon suggested the enforce- | been proceeding at a snail’s pace , shall receive the earnest attention ment of insurance against sickness and old age, under public gua | |of Government. Sir Henny Py acanee, who had moved a resolution rantee, by means of a compulsory payment to be made by young | preing the Ordnance to crawl faster, declared himself satisfied with men between the age of eighteen and twenty, of, say, 1s. 3d. per | taken so much by his motion. week. An ations conversation ensued. i EASE, by deliverin ering & rotest against the traffic with China Lord Camprrpown called attention to the Metropolitan Water | in Opium, asa source of Indian yoy induced a disputation on Question. Then followed another abortive conversation, which | that subject in effect very similar to that drug. It included the having concluded, their Lordships adjourned. | customary moral objections and nt answers—nothing more (Commons.)—Mr. Pease gave notice of intent to ask leave to bring | except a remark, made by Mr. ap 7 this was not t the in an Interference with Personal buy Bill—a Bill dealing with | first time this Session he had noticed a the question of Sunday pom yy in the Metropolis. Wouldn’t it be | run ee with reason. The bare pe of Opium venbel in notes better to open Museums and Art Galleries than to to close Restaurants ?| except, of course, an appropriatel yqoume soporific influence, under w Instead of a Sunday | Closing Bill, Mr. Pease, couldn’t you propose a presently adjourned to Sopteg Som Opening Monday (Lords.)—Lord Camprrpo animadverting on the Dire stated that the Cape Parliament was com t | finances of sh lrg called the tribute of £100,000, we Tare to Ds pay to deal with « prisoner of war, enh as Cerewaro, provided they | the Porte for Wouldn't had the sanction of Her Maj s Government. This was said in| have fen narr the mk i bea called inte reply to Mr. WHALLEY, for Peterborough, his initials | Lord Guava ‘* vicariously” for Lord Satissury, his Sipe ekg Greece fle "aa deans beat te | Baar Bl aed things; end pron end pronto pepere Sor Seek Lord charge on ex-King Cerewayo’s behalf. Still sticking toCerzwaro. |CamPpERDown had The PRemrer romised Sir Henry Jackson that the ‘“‘dawdling| Lord Sarispur T spoke for himself We had i no addi- system ”’ on which the Ordnance Survey of Great Britain has so fear | ‘tional Turkish debt on the Cypriotes; and we had, by quadrupling

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Juxe 19, 1880.] Ox) WY 2647 > | y/ Mf, / CLAS 9 "LS Aw ff i f///! | Mf) LA LP IT DIT YW jf/ YUH) Yj } hia, . NY: ) ) | | WAY \\\ \ \V ~ ‘ AFFILIATING AN ASTHETE. Pilcox, a promising young Pharmaceutical Chemist, has modelled from memory an Heroic Group, in which Mrs. Cimabue Brown is represented as the Muse of this Century, crowning Postlethwaite and Maudle as the Twin Gods of its Poetry and Art, Postlethwaite, *‘ No LorTian THEME HAS EVAH EMPLOYED THE Maudie. *‘ DistincTty 80, ONLY WORK ON IN THIS REVERENT Mrs. Cimabue Brown. *‘ Nay, YoU HAVE AC8IEVED IT! BORN GENIUS?” Poor Pilcox, “1 po!” SoULPTAH’s CHISEL ! ” sPrRiT, Mr. Pitcox, AND YOU WILL ACHIEVE THE TRULY Gagar/” Og, MY YouNG FRIEND, DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT YOU ARE A HEAVEN- [Gives up his pestle and mortar, and becomes a hopeless Nincompoop for life. their trade and commerce, proportionately increased their means of paying. Have we, indeed, thoug' Spencer closed a discussion on the state of Ireland, started by the Duke of Martnoroves, as to what the Government meant to do when the Peace Preservation Acts had expired. He said they intended to rely on the Common Law, and on certain Acts not about to expire. Their Lordships then discontinued their labours. (Commons.)—Notices of Motion from Mr. Brann, Mr. E. Howanrp, Mr. Extrot, and Mr. Grey, condemning the Hares and Rabbits Bill | as proposing to interfere with freedom of contract. Of course, amidst 0 tion cheers for Ministerial Mutineers. Some Liberals are Conservatives in a special sense—Liberal on all points, save one; the Conservation of Game, but Conservatives only North-north- West; in the Game Laws quarter: when the wind is southerly, they know a hawk from a hand-saw, and buff from blue. Ministers had thirty-six questions to answer, and underwent above | an hour’s catechism, doubtless diaphoretic. On going into Supply, Mr. Gorst desired to know what course | the Government, having committed itself to abolish Flogging in the | Army and rah, wane going to take with the Cat. i The princi Mem of the “ pel binet, last Session, had voted the lash a ‘‘ brutal | and d punishment.” Liberals had issued “ dis ful placards” to the same effect at Birmingham. Now, then, Ministers | were bound to out. What did they mean to do? _ Mr. SHaw-Lereverer, amid cheers, said on meant next year to introduce an ed Navy Discipline Bill, in which flogging would be omitted as an authorised punishment. m.. yh ee — Dey > puni — would be wee: but no ° e the Services pleasant eno r. SPEAKER, and then e n’t the Sack be a sufficient substitute for the Cat ?) Mr. Curtpers clenched the conversation, which followed by pro- claiming that the Government would not shrink from the declara- or reasons | would be no | it was true that tions they had made in opposition—he meant, in icular, opposition to Flogging. After a little more talk about Ironclads, and other maritime matters, the House at last got into Committee of!Supply on the Naval Estimates, Mr. Saaw-Lerevnre stated the Govern- ment programme, which was virtually that of Mr. W. H. Smrrn. This being so, Mr. Surrn nat y expressed approval of it; and after an irrelevant row, of an Obstructive nature, occasioned—w you believe it?—by Mr. Frynicaw and Mr. Bireoar, some business, after all, was got through, and the House adjourned. Tuesday (Lords.)—A Bill, of more utility than interest, having gone through Committee, and another Bill (Irish), of the same uality, passed, Lord Mortey, in reply to Lord Bury, said that, iven by the Home Office, and Office of Works, there olunteer Review in Hyde Park. (Commons.)—Sir Witratp Lawson asked the Government whether they did not intend to propose any vote to complete of which £500 had been already taken on account, for the Sir Bartre Frere. “It was quite true,” replied Mr.Gnrant- The functions of Lord High Commissioner had devolved — Sir Gzorce Cottey, who received a large salary for the office. Government didn’t think it right that the money should be voted twice over. But, Mr. Covrtwey inquired, hadn't Sir B. F. been reli of his Lord High Commissionership before the intro- duction of the Estimates? And doesn’t he continue to hold the Durr. | same position in South Africa after that he held before? Mr. Grant- Durr answered, that he believed such was the case. Hereupon it would pechers, have been unparliamentary to demand— What after- though made you reduce his salary ? Mr. Curipers repeated in substance what Lord Monier had said in another place respecting the Volunteer Review. A Motion, proposed by Lerd Pency, to enable Purchase-officers forced into retirement by the Warrant of 1877 to bequeath money justly due to themselves, but at present, if they die, lost to their

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| whether the Bill would not go farther 288 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. {[Juxe 19, 1880, JPsrt.twe he bn f w OUTCRY ON OPIUM, - t\ X \VO \ LAST (By Dr. Isaac Wattles.) ‘i T GROURYS | | i | COMPLIMENTARY. Britisher, ‘‘ Wait, SaM, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE WAX-WoRK !?” Yankee Friend. ‘‘Wati—I GUESS THEY ’RE UNCOMMON LIKE AN OR’NARY ENGLISH Party!” , HH) HNN ; a BEHOLD the Phyllozera preys, Voracious, on the vine ; And vineyards waste Oidium lays; 1 And so precludeth wine. l A mischief seems ordained to rot 1| Potatoes; strange to think Because they an on food, and not Intoxicating drink. As grapes, potatoes in like wise A two-fold plague doth smite, The which is wondrous in our eyes— A Beetle and a Blight. Whereas the baleful poppy grows Exempt from canker, free From every kind of insect foes ; As healthy as can be, No fungus with disease can strike That plant, no pest annoys ; No Colorado Beetle’s like Your Opium crop destroys. Oh, that some worm, or grub, or fly, Would that fell weed subdue ‘Though physic we should lose thereby, And likewise revenue! \ | \ Doomsday Map. THERE is supposed to be some ~~ that the large seale map of England, commenced by the Ordnance Office some twenty years ago, will perhaps be completed, engraven and all, so as to be ready for use, in the con- cluding year of this century—if this century is ever to conclude. For, unless Dr. CumMING is out in his reckon- ing, time, by that time, to speak as Home-Rulers in their homely way, will be no more, and the Ordnance map will then, even if possibly brought out, be of no serviceto anybody. Inthe meanwhile we shall Grey ey as preceding generations have been, of a Doomsday Book, compiled in expectation of the ‘‘ crack of doom” for ser- vice ad interim, but what upon earth can be the good of a Doomsday Map that will not be published before Doomsday ? families, was withdrawn ; the proposal will, however, receive the inxious consideration of Mr. CHILpERs. A long discussion, on Motions by Mr. Lerentron and Mr. Pacer, touching the maintenance and custody of lunatics, ended in an en- gagement on behalf of the Government! by Mr. Pest, to institute a partial inquiry by means of a “* Hybrid Committee,” into the sepa- ration of criminal from pauper lunatics. Now a hybrid isa mule. Which will be the donkey half of the “‘ Hybrid” Committee? Of course, it eannot consist partly of criminals and partly of lunatics, with whatever congruity such a Hybrid Committee might be ap- | pointed to inquire De Lunatico Cus An Irish Debate on a Resolution moved by Mr. O’SuHaucunessy to transfer some of the duties of the Chief Seecre for Ireland to the Irish Law Officers having ended in nothing, Mr. Husparp was udded to the Select Committee on the London Water Supply ; let us hope in order to the effectual improvement thereof. Wednesday (Commons.)—Second Reading of Married Women’s Property Acts Consolidated Bill, moved by Mr. Patmer. The AvTORNEY-GENERAL made objections to it, and expressed doubts than its promoters intended. Will it go so far? Will it reach a Third ing? Will the Married Women’s Property (Scotland) Bill, moved by Mr. AnpER- son—will any of the several Amateur Bills, also moved after the talk about those others, live to become Acts? The House, as usual, on its Crotchet Day, rose betimes. Thursday (Lords).—The Earl of Knrpertey explained to Lord Carnarvon that, in reducing Sir Banrie Frere’s salary, the Govern- ment had simply withdrawn an allowance which had been made to him for travelling to parts of South Africa now no monger under his control. He had been informed of it in a despatch, and told that he should be liberally recouped for any extraordinary expenses he might have to ineur. \fter conyersation of ephemeral interest, if any, their Lordships | forwarded several Bills a stage. (Commons.)—Sir Witrrrp Lawson gave notice that he would, as soon as possible, move an Address to the Crown for Sir BarTiE Frere’s recall. Fancy the Local Option Anti-Publichouse Legis- lator moving an Address to the Crown! Shall we rather say, the Crown and Cushion? Mr. RyLanps, amid cheers, announced that if he (Lawson) did move that Address to the Crown, he (RyLAnps) would move the Previous Question. The House went into Committee of Ways and Means, and now came in the sweetest morsel of the night, or, taxpayers, the bitterest, if; you will ; a hag the great event—the Supplementary Budget, introduced by Mr.Gtapstone. Of course, it abounded in . oy the sum of which is one penny added to the Income-Tax. (See the incom- arable Work of Art prefixed to this record.) Moreover, the Licence uties on the sale of alcoholic liquors are to be increased, and a Licence Duty will be imposed on private brewers for permission to brew beer ; for, hear, O ye farmers, and hear, hear, O husbandmen, the Malt Tax is to be abolished for you at last, and commuted for a Beer Duty. Who is your Friend now? Are you not bound to W11114M for ever ? The Supplemental Budget had been necessitated by supplementary expenses. Increased taxation was also requisite to supply the loss anticipated from commutation of Malt-Tax, and reduction of Wine- Duties, under arrangements to be made with the French Government in the interest of Free Trade. The new provisions, in addition to those already made by Sir 8. Norrucots, would raise the wind to the amount of £381,000, revisedsurplus, Such were the main par- ticulars of a speech, including very many more, and, if doing equal credit to the speechifier’s head and heart, doing the latter a very reat deal, and, by the ciphering it comprised, demonstrating the | onal to be eminently what Wrt1am’s coll es, WILLIAM been a Waiter, would have called ‘** A good c head!” Farmers, this night in the Commons was quite your own. The Budget having been agreed to, on came your Hares and Rabbits Bill, of which the Second Reading was moved by your other friend, Sir W. Hancovrr. Debate on your Ground Game Bill, on the Motion of Mr. Brann, adjourned. Tue ConseRvATIVE Posttron.—The Lines of Tories Vedras (Over the Left). @ To Oomsusrompurts.— Phe Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge return, or stampe Contributions, In ne case can these b¢ returned unless aovompanied by 6 d and directed envelope should be

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Jone 26, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 289 _ > THE BEADLE! oR, THE LATEST CHRONICLE OF SMALL-BEERJESTER. BY ANTHONY DOLLOP. Author of ‘‘ The Chronicles of Barsellshire,” “‘ Beerjester Brewers,” ‘‘ The Half- wav House at Aleinton,” ‘ Thorley Farm for Cattle,” ‘* Family Parsonage,” “ The P ing Minister,” ‘‘ Pearls Before Swine; or, Who Used His Diamonds ?” “* Rub the Hair,” ‘‘ The Way We Dye Now,” “ Fishy Fin,” “ Fishyas Wilduz,” “ Dr. Thorne and David James,” ‘ Star and Garter, Richmond,” ‘‘ Rachel Hooray!” “ The Jellies of Jelly,” “* The Bertrams and Roberts,” “‘ Lady Pye-Anna,” ‘‘ Tails of All Creatures,” “’ Arry ?Otspur,” “* Mary Greasily,” ‘‘ Vicar of Pullbaker,” ‘‘ McDermott vA Balladsingerun,” “‘ Can’t You Forget Her?” “‘ He Knew He C, Write,” &c., &c. CHAPTER IV. At THE ARCHBEACONRY. Y reader must now be requested to leave the two old friends toge- ther, and accom- pany me on a visit bath ascend whék ate his readers follow him closely, in the wardrobe, up the chimney, behind the or, in short, any- where, provided that we can see without being ob- served, and listen without being Archbea- toilet, giving the last touch of a burnt hair-pin to her eyebrows. and the last puff of arl-powder to er matronly cheek, while a loud splashing in artment announced that the Venerable Archbeacon himself was the adjoi a " is daily morning service which would be best described as his ning @ at that part of Absolutions. “It’s all your stupid fault, Archbeacon!” said his amiable spouse, con- tinuing a conversation on which her husband’s slushing had thrown a sudden per. ‘*God Save Our Gra-ci-ous Queen!” gasped out the clear voice of the Arch- beacon, half shrieking half singing in his bath, as though he were suffering a martyrdom for his loyalty; and then he appeared at the door in a bathing wrapper, like a wet ghost, while he attacked his head with a rough towel. . Bid ou hear?” asked Mrs. Overwayre, sharply. va — », my dear,” replied the Archbeacon, ‘‘ but I was just sponging myself—— ** Oh, it’s all very well, Archbeacon,” said the lady, interrupting him impa- tiently. ‘‘ While you are sponging yourself and not attending to me, you’ll have my father and my sister MokLerNa, with nothing to live upon, coming to sponge upon us. With our family, we can’t stand that.” * But my dearest ticksywicksy———”’ began the Archbeacon, smiling at her fondly from behind his towel. t y ’t ticksywicksy me, Archbeacon,” retorted his spouse, “‘ but just attend. If you let them come sponging here, I shall throw cold water on the proposition at once, and so I tell you beforehand.” ‘*My own sweetest loveydovey—” commenced her husband, beginning to shiver, now that the effect of the first friction had gone off. ‘‘Hold your stupid tongue,” said the lady, giving him a rap on the head with her bunch of household keys, which made the Archbeacon dance again. ** Hold your stupid tongue, or I’ll warm you!” The Archbeacon paused, knowing that, if she kept her word, the process would be too violent for his consti- tution. Mrs. OverwayYTE continued : “Tf you hadn’t advised Mortrena against hookin Joun Bouncer, and if you hadn’t been donkey enoug to give my father the Percentorship, instead of keeping it yourself, you old Noddy,” —here she repeated her former movement with one key only, which made the Archbeacon sing out in another—‘‘ nothing of this sort Se But now there’s only one thing or it. ‘What? my own ; petess'® inquired the Archbeacon, submissively, but dodging away skilfully, in order to avoid a quick con spirito et fortissimo movement, set in all the keys at once, which tened his uncovered and a unpro' | R 55 , Noodle, don’t you see?” was the lady’s ener- inder. ‘‘ Go to law, fight this Jonn Bouncer. ~ dropping the whole ily, my darling,” murmured g out of the reach of the keys uttered this remark, and hiding oY the on curtains. 5 atts o ‘I’m sharp enough for you, my man,” re the following him up, and palling the string of the which t down a deluge on his head, and, he had recovered from the shock, made him scream to be let out. **T’ll let out at you,” she went on, “if you don’t attend tome. Mortrena will adopt my advice. Bounor will be fooled; he will have to give up his persecution, y his own costs, and be kicked out of Small-Beerjester. Moreen will drop him, and we’ll get somebody else for her, with money, and——” ‘* Yes,” interrupted her husband, looking out for a ee and I'll eee Se —— But he drew in 8 again as q y as possible. ** See the Bishop, indeed!” exclaimed his wife, in a tone of deep om re **You might Bishop the See your- self, if you had half a head on your shoulders. Just notice your own oe self in a looking-glass! No, the Bishop’s nobody. I’ll square Mrs. Dowpre, get the Governor placed in a thorough good sinecure—little to do and poner, to get—where he won’t be in our way " 7, ear, hear!’’ said the Archbeacon, from within his ** And all you’ve got to do, instead of playing at being a hippopotamus up in your dressing-room, and sponging and gasping and sluicing and hopping about like a lunatic,—all you’ve got to do is to go up to Town, and put the whole case in the hands of Sir Isaac ALLPuEEzE, the Attorney-General, prosecute the Penny Prometheus, make ’em give up Jonn Bouncer, and have him trans- on the next Assizes. ou’ll do this, Arch- c . Morteena to humbug him business. seo “Tt run your Dr. OvERWAYTE, jumpi immediately after ha **T promise and vow!” he shouted, earnestly. ‘‘ And now, if you’ll allow me to come out——” “Oh yes,” she replied; ‘‘ and, when you do come out, mind you come otit strong.” And so the excellent lady descended to family worship, where, among her children and servants, and in the absence of the Archheacon, who only occa#ionally con- ducted the service officially in the Cathedral or his own Church,—though this was just about as much as his wife could permit without interruption,—she read the morning devotions, which consisted chiefly of verses and responses compiled out of the hardest names to be found in the Old Testament, with some extracts from the Commina- tion Service, and a modern hymn, of five verses of five lines each, three of which rhymed and the two others didn’t, fitted to an amateur Gregorian Chaunt limited strictly to three notes. The Overwaytes were a blessed, happy, thriving family, and, from the Archbeacon’s appearance in the breakfast-room, with erect head, clear, unruffled brow, determined air, and powerful step, as I have already described him to my readers, no one would ever fora second imagine that such scenes as the one of which my readers and myself, concealed somewhere in the bed- room,—a secret entirely between ourselves and the bed- post,—have been the silent witnesses, were of constan' recurrence during the tranquil night and the ew a morning, in the comfortable Archbeaconry of Small- Beerjester. VoL,,LXXVLU,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [June 26, 1880, ““MYNHEER VAN DUNK.” ‘On, DON’T DRINK IT, Jack! ** Waat’s THE Opps! THERE’s PLENTY MORE!” IT WILL MAKE you so Tarrsty!” It was clear the case against his father-in-law, the unhappy Beadle, was progressing ; | Mr. Bounce and Mr. Fisny his lawyer were doing their worst ; the Church and State were in danger, and all the Archbeacon had to do was to write a letter, and put the matter in the skilful hands of his friend the Attorney-General, Sir Isaac ALLPHEEZE. And now let us observe the Archbeacon at breakfast, a meal absolutely necessary before composing such an official document as the one he had determined to send to Sir Isaac. t he furniture of the breakfast-parlour, where {Doctor and Mrs. OverwayrTe are seated, is a model of ecclesiastical upholstery. The walls are covered with such serious and allegorical subjects, taken from sacred History and Hagiology, as, for instance, ‘‘ Robbing Peter to Pay Paul,” “‘ The Dance of St. Vitus,” ** The Conversion of the Three Persents,” ‘* The First St. Leger,” “ Five Thousand People taken in at St. James's ‘ Haul,’” “‘ The Hermit’s Regular Sell.” “ St. Simon Without and Within,” ‘ Moses after the extinction of the Candle,” ‘ The Sporting Prophets,” ‘* Bel’s Life and Pendragon,” “‘ The Three Blind Mice,” “i Accordion Weeping over the Dead Bones in the Black See,” “ First Meeting of SS. Anonyma and Anonymus,” “‘ White Bishop Mating a Black Queen in_Three oves,”’ ‘* Pharaoh's Host and Pharaoh's Guest,” *“‘ The Bishop's Uncle taking the Bishop’s Pawn,” and many other interesting studies. Over the Gothic oak mantelpiece was carved in coloured letters the motto, “‘Tithes pay the Dealer,” only, of course, it was in old English characters. Everything on the table was of solid brass, wrought in a variety of Gothic patterns, huge candlesticks of the same metal stood on the floor, and on the side-board, on which were arranged special ecclesiastical dishes for the Archbeacon’s breakfast. There wasa fricassée composed entirely of ‘‘ Parson's Noses,” which was the only part of the chicken that Dr. OvERWAYTE would touch ; while curried in rice were those rich extracts from many shoulders of mutton, ‘‘ The Pope’s Eyes ;” a rook-pie cold was always kept ready in case any of the inferior —— should drop in on business and be asked to partake of the worthy Arch- beacon’s meal; young beardless oysters fried crisply as ‘‘ Flying Angels” stood side by side with the hottest possible ‘devils ;” the amount and Le a | of loaves, accompanied by a corresponding qu and equal variety of fishes, reminded the guest of the wealth of the Land and the extent of the See; the history of the Ark was kept before the Archbeacon’s mind’s eye by sli ; and the times of persecution by the savoury smell of a broiling hot steak ; while a snow white napkin encircling a pasty, within which was a capon whole, was intended as a memento of the truth that what might appear all fair without, might be all fowl within. Such was regularly the Archibiaconal fare. Yet, after doing ample justice to the feed- ing from morning to night, I have always found the Archbeaconry a dull, sleepy, heavy place. In the enforced absence of Dr. and Mrs. Overwayte between meal- times, the children, though very nice and pleasant before their parents, made them- = pokey py apa ta a visitor, who co get no even by retreating to his own room, where he would be sure to find his coming jocosely antict by the junior members of the family who had been ‘‘making hay” there, leaving two or three of their number hi i boards, under the bed, or beneath the dress- ing-table, to frighten the occupant of the room _ oe — starting out upon him when he woul repared for such a shock. It would be ert tbe goegt Se. inten the ts of their children’s misconduct, as they put them on their honour to speak the truth, and then took their word omnes the visitor’s. I have myself been awoke by the youngest child sprinkling me from a watering-pot. When I asked him subsequently what could pos- sibly have been his motive for this proceed- ing, he replied that he thought it would make me grow; a flower was in a bed and was watered with a watering-pot to make it grow; and asl wasin bed why shouldn’t the same process be effective; at all events, he concluded, if it had not made me grow, it had made me shoot up quite suddenly, in fact as his elder brother, who was watch- ing the fun from the door, observed, it was a case of ‘‘ cometh up like a flower.” On the whole, therefore, I do not find the Archbeaconry a pleasant house.* . After finishing the devil, which he in- variably left to the last, the Archbeacon retired to his study, intimating that he would see no one, as his whole time would be thoroughly employed in writing the official letter to Sir Isaac ALLPHEEZE, the Attorney-General. On entering his sanctum at his usually dignified pace, and with his stately . he first of all proceeded to double lock the door, and having ascertained that he was secure from intrusion on this side, and that he was not observed from the window, he suddenly threw off his Archibiaconal coat and apron previous to performing a quiet ‘walk round,” ending with a double-shuffle and break-down, and an attitude ex ve of the most careless enjoyment; then he spread out his writing paper on his desk, and placed a few dictionaries and books of reference open on the table; having done this he unlocked a tin box labelled ‘* Eccle- siastical Suits,” and chuckling to himself drew therefrom a variegated velvet lounging * Editor to A. D., the Author.—Pardon my intrusion, but why do you change about from “We” to “I? It is rather confusing, as it makes the Novel apparently written by more hands than one. Couldn’t you stick to the first person singular, or plural, whichever you like, and not alter it? And while I am on the subject, it’s the same with your tenses. Sometimes, in describing one and the same actor or situation, you employ the past and the present indiscrimi- nately. It is puzzling. I only speak in your own interests. Yours most sincerely, Ep. Reply from A. D. to Editor.—I can look after my own interests m -" Thank _ tenses depend on my moods. am singu H and if the ~ A of the plural is eaten; teak squares it. Only one hand is engaged—the right. 1’m good with my left, as those know who pre, yoke me by interference. “We” write as “I’ like: and we like what I write. Bah! My way ’s my own, and there’s an end on’t. Yours sensibly, A.D.

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Jong 26, 1880.)

te ~ = i r= tt Bh ‘> We “4 ~“ i

~ = (i The Archbeacon threw the door open, and admitted the Reformer of Small-Beerjester.

‘* What a horrid smell!” he exclaimed. ‘‘ What’s the matter?” ‘* What does that signify to you?” inquired Dr. OvERwayrteE, haughtily. **T don’t know,” replied Mr. Bounce, carelessly. “You don’t?” rejoined the Archbeacon; “then I'll tell you. The odour that you have perceived signifies to you that I am justly incensed at your conduct.’ ** How, Archbeacon ?”’ “How! By daring to come here, into my sanctum sanctorum, disturbing me at my work, upsetting my calculations and medita- tions, an —and—and—in short,”—and here he rang the bell—** get out ! ** But, Archbeacon——” Mr. Bounce. ‘Get out!” exclaimed Dr. OverwaYTE, now thoroughly roused. “Get out! 1’m not at home.” , : ‘* Tam,” Mr. Joun Bounce retorted, with a jonnty air. ** Are you?” exclaimed the Archbeacon, who was Fa the more pow man of the two. ‘‘Then—there!” And lifting his leg with such force as to burst two of his gaiter-buttons, he sent Mr. Joun Bounce flying through the window on to the neatly-cropped lawn. Then turning to the butler, who had answered the summons, he said, ‘* I rang for you to show Mr. Bounce the door, but it is unnecessary. You may retire.” . The Reformer and lover of Mortzena, who was anxious to pro- pitiate the man whom he fondly hoped to make his future brother- in-law, rose from the d, and leaning on the window-sill, said, **T came here, Dr. Gvenwirre, with the strongest feeling ——” ** And you’ll go away with the most painful,” laughed the Arch- ** You don’t know why I came,” continued Mr. Jouw Bounce. ‘* But I know how you’re going,” replied Dr. OvenwarTz. **T assure you,” said Jonw Bounces, almost choking with passion, ‘that if it were not for the warmth of my attachment——” is was more than Dr. OveRwaYTE could ; ** Warmth!” he cried indignantly. ‘‘Here, boys! here’s a gentleman wants cooling!” and so saying, he clapped his hands three times and closed the window, as a discharge from several

dipeke:

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i lcm cleanin “n eo | keys at once.’ expected too high; then seeing his antagonist’s hand, he imagin 292 squirts and garden-engines hidden from view, but worked by the Archbeacon’s children, who had been silent witnesses of this inter- view, drenched the unfortunate Mr. Joun Bounce from head to foot. I think Mr, Jomn Bounce had as little cause for liking the family at the Archbeaconry as I had. The Archbeacon turned away from his window with a triumphant chuckle ; a glow of satisfaction was on his face as he turned towards the iron safe; but suddenly the colour forsook his cheeks, his figure visibly shrank within Me qutmanta: his knees trembled as he saw standing before the open safe, sternly confronting him key in hand, yellow French literature, sporting papers, and choice cigar-box under her arm, the justly indignant countenance of Mrs. Over- WAYTE. ** My dear—” he stammered a ** So you Arch-idiot,” she began, familiar in addressing him even at tin ‘this is how you spend your time y- she was never much more of the greatest excitement ; money. Give me all your The Archbeacon, completely grestfallen, surrendered them at once. * Now,” said the the statement of affairs to Sir to inquire. Isaac ALLPHERZE— y cupboard in this abomin- dear ** What, ar aaae d* om 1 able den! Ugh! you Arch- ' Could Mr. Jonw Bouncy i this readers, don’t you think ve been moi ? However, he did not ; dried hi as ; in all his atone find anyone except a Gardener who, having been out all night r g, was now breakfasting early on a succulent pea-stalk, and recovering from his astonishment at being collar as at irate Joun Bows trea him to a dose of hoe-meopathy on side of his head, which wo His wife continued with calm aving 8 could by running after the or rather in the direction have felled any ordinary wan. Jouw Bounce felt ** While I search every ’e their laughter seemed to p and faili nary n eu bad met his match, and must strike him on the edging of the in on his own box. As the gardener had just made his own so JoHN Bounce felt he ought to make him lie on it. The Gardener, as might have been , fired but aimed ; that spades were trumps, and sounded them loudly, in order to summon the other domestics to his assistance. But Joun Bounce was too quick for him; and, catching sight of | & the door close by, lifted the latch, made a bolt of it, and fastened it on the other side. Then he rushed up the lane to his own house; flew upstairs, four steps at a time; frightened his Sister Many into such tight fits, that she didn’t get out of them again for several days, and seizing his _ = ~~ =, it violently the wrong way, exclaimed, ‘I'll go, Nap!’ And, without vouchsafing another word to any one, he dashed down vo the front door, and violently let himself out, as much as he could, until he reached Mr. Simpier’s house. Here he paused, went round the place with his hat, and collected himself to any amount. Gentle Keader, did you ever have a tussle with a Gardener, and then brush your hat the wrong way, out of sheer vexation? Did you ever find yourself reduced to a nonentity by a smack on the side of your head with a flat spade? Such was Joun Bouncr’s feeling now. ‘It she refuse me!” he murmured to himself between his set teeth—they were a double set, which, as a General Practitioner and Dentist, be wore for the sake of advertisement—‘* woe to the whole lotof’em! But if she accepts’’—and here an honest smile showed his talse teeth—** I shall forgive her brother-in-law’s, the Old Arch- beacon's rudeness, and tell Lawyer Fisuy to drop the action against the Master ot Deedler’s Trusts, and the Ecclesiastical dignitaries of Small-Beerjester.” Then as he rang the palpitation in his left side, with which my Gentleman readers will, | suspect, sympathise; and at which my Lady readers over forty,—in age, 1 mean, not in number, as the latter is incaleulable,—will doubtless sigh and simper, and will follow my heroine, as Jonn Bounce did, when on hearing the front door bell, she glided silently from the back drawing-room into the Tea-garden, all among the ‘Tea-roses and the buttercups and saucers, where, in another minute or so, her lover found her, with her beautiful hair flowing in auburn masses down her back from under her bonnet, picking rosy-coloured shrimps, while her father was taking forty ’winks with his bread and butter in an adjoining arbour. PaILHELLENES.—The Lorp Mayor and Aldermen who filled the King of the HeLLenxs and his suite, when they presented him with an address, and gave them all a lunch, the other day, at Guildhall. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. bell, Mr. Jonw Bounce felt an odd sort of = (June 26, 1880. A RITUALIST REVEL. BAR Mn. Puncu, ; Ox ‘Thur being the F — of St. Alban, the the Church of that Saint's 2 celebrat cation Anniversary in the drill-shed of, the Middlesex Gara Road, the Earl of Sr. Germans in the of Alban’s church- oers, and the Rev. Mr. Macxonocure, of course, in his glory. Subsequently to meat, and during drink, amongst other speakers, “The Rey. E. F. Russext, in proposing ‘The Visitors,’ said that the Clergy of St. Alban’s had recently started a co-operative needlewomen’s work- room. ‘This workroom wanted support, and the speaker humorously dilated upon the quality and fashion of the garments there made, and urged his hearers to replenish their wardrobes.” A very humorous exhortation certainly, as likewise, don’t you think, was the previous announcement that the Ritualist Clergy of St. Alban’s had ctested a needlewomen’s workroom f—of course for the manufacture of ecclesiastical milli . To be sure Mr. RussELL’s reverend hearers could not have needed to be urged to replenish their wardrobes (with vestments)—that was only his fun. It was evidently said in the spirit of the opening address in which— “ After luncheon, the Chairman, in proposing ‘The health of the QuzEN,’ and that of ‘The Clergy,’ coupling with the iatter the name of the Rev. A. H. MackonocutR, observed that he was very glad to be able to say, in the words of the Clown, ‘ Here we are again!’”’ Capital! A most appropriate exclamation fer the Chairman of a Ritualist Meeting, and quite of a piece with the pleasantry that followed. Wasn't it? You might almost imagine the Sacerdotal performances of the St. Alban’s Clergy red with a sense of genuine humour. Mightn’t you? Observe, Sir, I have really and truly quoted the foregoing passages from a newspaper. They are fide portions of a report in the Morning Post. Upon my word they are, Sir; and not the inventions of any satirist or buffoon, such as you may imagine : I Yours, seriously and sincerely. ACT. ‘* Lords” and Ladies. Mr. Puncn (with the assistance of his Deputy Assistant Prophetic Reporter) has much pleasure in publishing the score of the University Cricket Match, as it will stand at two P.M. on the first day of the contest :— Lobster Salad, bowled Butter... ew Ls 1,489 Dry Champagne caught Tumblers . ‘ . 86,482 soda Water not out . : ‘ ° ‘ eg 0 Extras . ; ; + 147,833 Pickled Salmon, Roast Fowls, Cold Meat, Wheat Bread, &c. &., still to go in.

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June 26, 1880.) FUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 293 ; Nn 7 M ; i bs Hy THIRSTY SOULS. Doctor (who had just seen the Patient), ‘‘He’s No worse, But” (gravely) ‘THE QUESTION WILL, NO DOUBT, SOON AKISE AS TO THE ADVISABILITY OF TAPPING um!” Mother-in-Law. ‘‘On, Doctor, pon’r sAyY THAT! NOTHING WAS EVER TAPPED IN THIS HOUSE THAT LASTED OVER A WEEK !!” SIR QUILLE’S SABBATHE QUESTE. Str QuizE spurred forth roa Sabbathe morn Upon a knightlie quest For, mindfulle uf reproof a. born On hol ly lips midst Syrian corn, He deemed ye Daye of Reste A Hs of duty and delight, Or, if neede be, of valiante fighte Gainst everie sorte of ille Quoth he, “* What foe soe’er I ‘meet >: holie daye, in field or street, I’ll charge with righte good wile!” Two demons, Drunkennesse and Luste Sir QuILLE .|ii seeke. Quoth he, ‘I truste ‘These o. res to unmaske. bet sheltered by a foolish wi, va hough of a pious semblance Olde igotrie, they shunne t. fighte Which magnifyes my taske.” So fared he foathe, and eftsoone saw Sightes I scarce may name, Which vane by a QUILLE to clenche his j jaw, And flushe with knightlie shame. The thralls of those two demons dredde Paced the dull streets with —a treade, Or lay and drowsed as swine nigh dead bout ye publicke waye ; The old sore sodden, with much beere, idle, sakeni unkempte, a-duste, and dreare ! wexte of hearty cheere, And Hig too sadde for playe. The Church bells chime, but they, alacke! Had no fayre suits of shining blacke ; No head-geare trim and smarte ; Nor wille nor skille to join the throng Who churehwards bravely paced along, In whose high shrines of prayer and song These had nor place nor parte. Nor seemed there aught of harmlesse sorte, Of pleasant 7 or manlie geste To which these hordes from um and courte hte readilie might gette _& fieldes were om Art’s fayre halles against iteous thralles, A holie banne on battes ‘end ballon Sleeke Piety had sette. Onlie the gates unto the lairs (Where curses rose ds we of prayers) Of those two fiends were wide. Now and anon, and thither then They thronged, the Spildeen’ women, men, = bape | issuing on Ly nighte, b gering gaite and satyr grinne, ben eedde mirth irth and wordes of sinne, They filled the streets with oe dinne. Quoth Quite, “ An this be righte, i= no knighte errante sound and sane, t ce mere ao i dazed of brain. I’ll have a shie At, Bo wn de be to blame For this sadde scene of sinne and shame, Or know ye reason why!” But as he sette his launce in reste, Forthe rushed an Apparition, drest In flowing lawne, with bible prest Close to its much perturbéd breaste, Which * Rash Knighte, forbeare ! Upon thy taske | put my banne ; And, Knigh te, lam a Holie Man Things can’t be bettered by thy plan, t leave them to my care. But quoth Sir QUILLE “7 5” deg looke On this foule scene! Thine Holie Booke Hath sure no law to saye That howsoe’er, by hooke or crooke, This shame, which sense no more may brooke, Shall not be done awa e .s “ Sir Knight, aroint thee!” sternly cried That Apparition. ‘In a ag pride Of secular puissan Thou ’dst la snateeet hands upon The Arke of our Religion. No mortal militance May here availe. Better, Sir Knighte, Bide long continuance of ‘this sighte, Though sore it like my breaste, Than by one inch relax the law That guards with hedge of holie awe e Church’s Daye of Reste!”’ * * * * * Sir QuILzE rode home, and as he rode He mused: ‘* Though reverence be owed To every pa plea, This game may | be blowed Tei at alle can see | I much misdoubte this Halle Manne, Who on my mission layde his banne, WwW ary alle, none other than t Bogie, Bigotrie ! On Saintes I woulde not lifte my lance ; But I have sworne aye d outrance ith Pious Fraudes to fighte ; And of all Pious Fraudes I thinke This holie white-lawne’d friend of Drinke Is the most dangerous quite !’ A PROFESSIONAL ATTENTION. Tue Lawyers ought to be rp a and contented. If we are to judge by its title, a seems to have been devised specially for their use “A enjoyment—it is termed ‘* The eednend Library. Arg Welsh Rabbits included in ‘‘ Ground Game” ?

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24 0CCt—<‘“—;tCS™SC*~C~CCCCPU NCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |

{Jone 26, 1880. ——— —

NONE OF OUR JOYS ARE PERFECT. Mrs. Sopely (a great Favourite, somehow, with most of our Sex). ‘‘ No, ivpegp, Mr. Sparks! I NEVER, NEVER FratT2er! Bor it WON'T DO 10 TELL M& THAT NATURE HAS NOI BREN UNFAIR IN LAVISHING ALL HER Caolcest GIFTS UPON YOU ALONE!” [Sparks is a modest man, but he can’t help thinking that if the Lady on his other side, now, were only to talk to him a little in this strain, he could stand a good deal more of it !

THE HOUSE THAT JOHN BUILT. A Doggerel Rhyme of the Supplementary Budget for the use 0) Young Politicians. ) Tuts is the House that Jonn built. This is the Malt that lay in the House that Jonw built. This is the Rat, an impost fat, That ate the Malt that lay in the House that Joun built. This is the Cat with the Gladstone face, That killed the Rat, an ingest fat, That ate the Malt that layin the House that Joun ult. This is the Dog, old Diz, in disgrace, That worried the Cat with the Gladstone face, That killed the Kat, an impost fat, That ate the Malt that lay in the House that Jomw built. This is Opinion with Newsman’s horn, That tossed the Dog, old Dz, in That worried the Cat with the Gladstone face, That killed the Rat, an impost fat, That ate the Malt that lay in the House that Jonwn built. This is L. Sax, in London forlorn, a a by Opinion with Newsman’s horn, That tossed the , old ‘Diz, in disgrace, That worried the Cat with the Gladstone face, That killed the zat, - aes fat, That ate the Malt that lay in the House that OHN ’ And here’s the French Suan but torn, Left by L. Say in London forlorn, Though cheered by Opinion with Newsman’s horn, That tossed the Dog, old Diz, in disgrace, That worried the Cat with the Gladstone face, That killed the Rat, an impost fat, That ate the Malt that lay in the House that Jou built. These are the Incomes a little more shorn, To save the French Treaty all but torn, Left by L. Say in London forlorn, Though cheered by Opinion with Newsman’s horn, That tossed the Dog, old Diz, in disgrace, That worried the Cat with the Gladstone face, That

killed the Rat, an impost fat, That ate the Malt that lay in the House that Jomn built. This is the ‘* Daily” that crowed in the morn, Ignoring the Incomes a little more shorn, To save the Freneh Treaty all but torn, Left by L. Say in London forlorn, Though cheered by Opinion with ewsman’s horn, That tossed the Dog, old Diz, in disgrace, That worried the Cat with the Gladstone face, That killed the Rat, an — fat, That ate the Malt that lay in the House that Joun t. And here is the Farmer with one the less corn, Applauding the ** Daily’ that crowed in the morn, Ignoring the Incomes a little more shorn, To save the French Treaty but torn, Left by L. Say in London forlorn, Though cheered by Opinion wit Newsman’s horn, That tossed the Dog, old Diz, in disgrace, That worried the Cat with the Gladstone face, That killed the sat . - ees fat, That ate the Malt that lay in the House that oHN t.

Ladies and Linendrapers. Accorpine to the Pall Mall Gazette, of Monday, last week— “The Warchousemen and Drapers’ Trade Journal states that the agitation for seats for shop and saloon girls has taken practical shape in Scotland. Last week a staff of Ladies pod ny a tour of the chief warehouses and shops in the leading thoroughfares of Edinburgh, and made inquiries as to the accom- modation in the desired direction. The Committee found that in several instances Warehousemen and Milliners had provided seats for their sales- women to be used during ‘ the intervals of business.’ ” And of course the fair Committee will transfer their custom from the considerate Warehousemen and Milliners, who have made that due provision to the brutes who haven’t. Here is a , beginning to a requisite end. Ladies of Lon and all other large towns, see what the Edinburgh Ladies have done in the way of shopping. Do the same.

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June 26, 1880.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 297

BASES AND BASS’S. =

ww, SSS. ( GOoENTIF

Accorpine to evidence the other da House of Commons on the London E. J. Suiru, C.E., and F.G.8., Mr. (now Sir being out onthe Moors shooting os on the 13thof August last, but C , before a Committee of the ater Supply, given by Mr. CHARD) Cross, not elsewhere en , made a speech, wherein, with a view 2 business, —— ead +. Companies vs treat oB =, os.” He = proposed to them two exact y, opposi some of the Companies, Mr. Smiru thinks, ‘‘did not w * bases which he (Mr. SmirH) had referred to.” What two ite bases were deponent said not. In treating with 9 Water y it seems possible to treat on but one base only, water re and simple, as any » = base would imply too bad a tiations with a Brewing firm, indess, might be ucted ad bases—the base of water, and the base of beer—that oe Nae bitter beer, ordinarily called after the name of its cer, the Honourable Representative of East Staffordshire, and of Malt Liquor, Bass ; or Base, being musically sounded at as morally understood, but quite the reverse. By the way, as touching Malt Liquor, Mr. A. Bass, M. P., seems not at all to approve of the new Budget arrangement for taki taxation off Malt, and laying it on Beer. Presiding at te Annual Festival of the Licensed Victuallers’ Schools, and the Company on behalf of that Charity— ‘*Mr. Bass, after enumerating the fasts connected with the growth of the Institution, proceeded to speak of the present proposals by the Premier | f with regard to placing on beer the duty taken off mal oan which the speaker regarded as founded on fallacious and mistaken views. Isn’t it a wonder that, from the Brewer’s point of view, the Tax, in comparison with the Beer- Tax, should be* regarded Mm | different a light from what the Farmer sees it in ? Speak: aps, less as a Farmer’s, than a Publican’s friend, a Base urther declared that “ He regarded with great disfavour, too, the proposals to increase the tax upon 5 and warmly urged that this taxation upon a legitimate trade was For every purpose of use, to be sure, there is nothing like pain but the materials, of which the consumption is desirable above ‘all things, are evidently the least eligible to be laid under tribute. This, at least, Licensed Wittlers, and their allies, consider to be the case of Beer and Spirits.

ORDER OF THE NIGHT. (All about it—from the Private Diary of the Coming Speaker. ) 4 p.m.—After a severe struggle, managed at last to get into my chair. Rather exhausted, but liked the look of the six policemen on each side of me. Wonder whether there are enough of them. Find the mace and dustman's bell both together Soledin heures. Breast-plate easier than I e 41 P.M. Questions Semeeel very suddenly. Must have lost my wig but for my umbrella. Entered into long and animated discus- sion as to my right to be in the Chair. _ t let them know it, but confess that the idea was new to me. Said, however, I would let the police = the matter out, if anybody from below the gangw ray came a step nearer. Uproar! Rang my bell till my arm ach — done up ! u.—Still ringing my bell, Fifteen independent Members on the table, all ieaabies at once. Have threatened to have it cleared. Uproar furious. Souffle! Wonder whether the Chair could go over oa a Swaying quite unpleasant. I thought so. J have lost my 7°15 p.m.—Tried to restore order with a Chinese Gong. Useless. Stood for two hours on ,the seat of my chair, with the speaking trumpet, but couldn’t get in a word. Ruled, as well as | could iby waving my arms, was not part of “‘a Member’ yoy bo aay omens of the House with a horse-whip. Hurt severely But I know I was right. Dreadfully fetigued. Cant cand much more of it. 10 P.m.— ig gone . Have resented this, as well as I can, by to the bent Mace and g to the back of Chair. Police ms er sofel t freely. (Note. It isthis sort thing thet deters Se gay of ‘debate.>. , ioe M,. 35 P.M. ———— neommenced. Premier wa past me Members towards the lobby. Have te ht yew = e at feel ically this is of little use. Gong ca Chair ro i a ly from side to side. Have sent off Black Rod to fetch the mounted Blues from the Horse Guards. ig the Opposition Benches. Here it Chair over with a crash. An Irish -General’s bag over my head. Have pi ” But where are the Police ? it, dreadfully exhausted. Find, however, Row still furious down- 3°15 A. that Big bate heard. t, if I lie on the floor. 1’ll a precedent.” Off to sleep, ruling on MEMS. ce Chamber is inscribed in the 8 Orptenence Cs Greeks.” ished as the “‘ Grecian Saloon.” | round it are casts Elgin Marbles, and other cele- ins of et k busts and vases, a model of the collected for the use of the Confer- Greek Grammar, the Attic orators, , Murray, &e. the Great Powers are all dressed in the ; but, to obviate any suspicion of fez, sit (crossed-legged) on ‘Turkey

amore A they Sy the 7 Too proceedings of the , < are opened with a recitation, by | ts from Homer, and closed with the ‘* Maid of Athens, oS coh of the = go aries. learned Greek in Europe (including Grecians ’s Hospital) are in attendance to turn each day’s proceed- uence of Greek art isa subject frequently on the ‘apis ) frontier is generally referred to as the (in)definite Greek wines are served at luncheon. ‘A Jar of Honey from Mount H vole ” is © ome on the table. The attendants show unmis- takably well-known . It is hoped that unanimity will prevail, and that there will be no Grecian noes.

Lrserat “ Screntrric Frontrer.”—A New Frontier for Greece.

CoMMENCEMENT OF Evropgan Concernt.—The Identical Note.

ee

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IE. SEE LE st ro! a ea PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juve 26, 1880. L. THERE . WAS. Ap COLO WOMAN -wHO- LIVED SHE. CAVE. THEM. SOME-BROTH. WITH OVT — = PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. a en W 32, Vinesy SAPWSSS LYE - IN. A--SHOE. peta Ay . SWE HAD. Se. PANY cHrLoRe y . SHE DIDNT. Krow. _WHAT. 7. + bO- Frivay, June 11 (Lords).—Conversation on the de- son. Sees a one ot gpd and the poe state , - . of Ire , but little if anything said, and nothing done SHE-WHIPPED > WHR snot RENAME di 4 likely to conduce to the ome bee of either. No; SEPT THER’. Te-BED » but in course of the talk upon Turkey, Lord Carnarvon, mentioned that the SuLTAN’s Meat Bill at Constantin le still remained unpaid. The Padishah is in debt for

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Jcxg 26, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 299 AN RAN} \ Rt A SKETCH rROM NATURE. JENNINGS AND BELLAMY, THE FAMOUS DRAMATISTS, PLANNING ONE OF THOSE THRILLING PLays OF PLOT AND PASSION, IN WHICH (AS EVERYBODY KNOWS) JENNINGS PROVIDES THE INIMITABLE Broap Humour, AND BELLAMY THE LOvE- ScENES AND THE Tracio Deatus. (BELLAMY IS THE SHORTER OF THE TWO.) kiebabs, and ‘‘owes’ for his veal.” That wouldn’t signify if he “saved his country ”—which he doesn’t seem about doing. (Commons.)—Dr. CamEnoy, with a'view to meet some objections to vaccination, founded on the possibility of “constitutional contamination by human lymph, moved that Lome from the “vaccine fountain should be provided for the accommodation of all persons who preferred it. Lymph from the calf, Jzames, —not yours. Mr. Dopson was prepa’ of the original matter to regular medical practitioners only. ¥ _ Dr. Cameron had to rest satisfied with having obtained a move in the right direction so far, and to withdraw his Motion. Monday (Lords).—Royal Assent given to a few Bills. On the motion of Lord Hovenron, First Reading of a Bill to render British subjects free to marry their Deceased’ Wives’ Sisters, equally with their fellow- subjects in Australia, and the greater part of mankind. lution proposed by Lord Gattoway to rescind an order of the House of Lords under which the Earl of Ketire votes at Holyrood as Earl of Mar, and to recognise the claim of Mr. Ersxnye to an original Earldom of Mar prior to Lord Ketrie’s. If this pretension were recognised, there would be two Earl- dems of Mar, and two Earls, Mar Senior and Mar Junior, two Mars in fact,— and here we are reminded of an umquhile Earl of Mar, so named in connection with Mars by an anonymous bard, !as to afford; Martryus ScRIBLERUS an example of the Art of Sinking :— * And thou, DAtuovsts, the great God of War, Lieutenant-Colonel to the Earl of Mar.’’ Lord GatLoway’s resolution was rejected. ‘‘Know we not Galloway nags?” We'don’t know that his Lordship does’nag’; but he’-hammers away. Perfervidum ingenium Scotorum. (Commons, Morning.)—Mr. LanovcnEre gave notice of Motion that his colleague, the other Member for Northampton, be allowed to take an affirmation to make arrangements for the supply | q of allegiance, so that an Agnostic may be let into Parlia- “Taete aieliiie on Go Rout o GoD mue! g on the Report on Resolutions, they were read a Second Time; ae Budget budged on. Mr. Arnruvur ARwoxp, in a maiden on the Relief s oe (Ireland) rm (1880) Amendment Bill, pores y Lord Freperick Cavennisn, protested against measure as a Bill for the Relief of Irish Landlords merely, -_ an ey of ) licy rot the late Hy ay course if they accept their ecessors’ , as it were, endorse their Bill. Mr. Anworp “itched 80 strongly into the ex-Ministerial Measure, as well as its Ministerial modification before the House, as to call up Sir Starrorp Norrucore in reply. (Evening.)—The whole sitting, after some perfunctory ness, from an early hour in the evening till one o’clock in the morning, wasted in a row, primarily by Mr. O’Downett, isting in putting ques- tions involving gross imputations upon M. CHALLEMEL- Lacour, the new French Ambassador, although Sir CaHaArtes Drixe had fully contradicted them, and secon- darily by Mr. Grapstons, in a fit of natural impatience, moving that Mr. O’Dowwett be not heard. is was objected to as interference with the liberty of the House by a good many Members, besides Home-Rulers, with whom even Sir Starrorp Nortucore sided, and so, stranger still,“did Mr. Covurtwey and Mr. Awprrson. Cries of ‘“‘ Divide! ’ ‘“‘ Withdraw!” and, from the Legislative Irishry, of ‘‘ Despotism,” and ‘‘ Cesarism,” constituted the most remarkable, if not important utter- ances. Captain Price, however, created some fun by taking occasion to interrupt Sir Wrr11am Harcourt in the middle of a vehement h, by moving, en revanche, fons > | ee SECRETARY be no longer heard. Ha, ha, a 0 “ Conclusion, a compromise, Mr. GLapstowe withdra wing his Motion to shut up Mr. O’Dowwett, and Mr. O’Don- NELL agreeing to confine himself simply to giving notice of a Motion. He accordingly gave notice that he would move for documents tending, if authentic, to verify his ch against M. Cuattemet-Lacovr. If! So then the House, after some forty minutes’ formal business, adjourned for “‘ forty winks,” not many more—for those who broke fast betimes. Tuesday (Lords).—Committee on Burials Bill. Movunt-EpecumBe an Amendment limiting the right to bury in Churchyards without Church of England rites i — ing no public oy oye ‘ ground or cemetery. moamnent onuperted by e Arch- bishop of Yorx and eleven other Bishops; op by seven Lords Spiritual, including his Grace of CanTEr- Bury. Carried in the Lory Cuancetton’s teeth. The House below will probably disagree with their Lord- ships’ Amendment, or rather impairment, of a concession to Nonconformists, minimised by a limitation of which the idea a to have been borrowed from the Bagman who asked the waiter, ‘‘ How little can I give you with- out being considered mean?” Another limitation pro- posed by the Archbishop of Yorx, and opposed also by the Lorp CHANCELLOR, was carried too. In ensuing iscussion, on a real Amendment, the Lory CHanceL- Lor’s proposal to insert words defining ‘‘ Christian ser- vice” to mean the service of any community callin itself Christian, Lords Carnws and Sarissury vagrested doubts as to the noble Lord’s success in defining Chris- tianity for the purposes of his Bill. But that m yee what he does succeed in doing for those purposes, if not for a pu nothing to its and his. The Bill went ofa 9 Committee, mutilated in going, but most likely to be made whole again. (Commons.)—Sir Cuantes Drixe, in reply to Mr. Batrovr, announced that Her Majesty’s Government had received Germany an invitation to participate in the European Concert for the benefit of Greece, if not for Turkey too, about to be given at Berlin in order to reeti- fication of Greco-Turkish frontier. They are going, and will be represented those eminent performers Lord Ovo Russet and Sir Livtorw Smmons. Mr. Ricwarp, calling attention to the growing cost and burden of European armaments, moved an A praying Her Masesry to direct communications to be oy A the Forrton Secretary to European Powers with a view to the mutual and simultaneous reduction of those expensive preparations for mutual slaughter.

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— Se Ng ta | 300 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Junge 26, 1880. Mr. GLADSTONE, answering, said all that could be, and usually is said in excuse for not doing what it would be of not the slightest use to do, and, by the Famy (of a fling at his rs, possibly,) poi inted out that ** CLARENDON € overtures to France and Germany, diane was nothing in our policy in any portion of the should stand recti in curid, and that we should not be met with the remark—‘ What are you doing Ly ag 0 You preach the Gospel of Peace, but are your hands free from the stain of blood ? At the suggestion of Mr. Courtney a Resolution, instead of Mr. RicHARD’s, was adopted to the effect that it is the duty of the Government, on all occasions when will permit, to recommend to Foreign Governments the reduction of European armaments. The House, having this abstract proposition, was counted out; and no wonder. Wednesday ( Goat, )—Second Reading of Town Council’s Amendment Bill, moved by Mr. James, and carried. Nothing else to speak of but. the Report of the Bradlaugh Committee (No. 2), be not allowed to make oath, but be permitted to affirm and take his seat at his own peril—that of being sued in the High Court for penalties he may incur by sitting and voting; it is said, to the amount of £500 per vote. Thursday (Lords.\—Lord Srratnepen and CamPBriL made a globe that at all weakened our position, or made it otherwise than | A desirable to be authors of such overtures. It was necessary that we | brought up by Mr. WaLPo.e. It recommends that Mr. BrapLaven | speech about Turkish affairs, and moved that a copy of the instruc- tions to Mr. Goscnen be laid upon the table. a GRANVILLE replied that they were already on the table. ~~ 4 Motion withdrawn. Logic. Then a few inquiries made, and replies returned. Questions of no consequence; answers evasive. Adjournment. (Commons.)—Mr. O’ Downett having two questions down relative to Mr. CoatitEemet-Lacovr, before putting them, was proceeding to ut a subsidi uestion to the Chair; but the SpeaKeR reminded im that he already told him it was an improper one, and further advertence to it was irregular. Mr. O’DonnEL1, continuing to wh tees Mis point, a SPEAKER stuck to his ——, and having éalled eee him to she ia e himself to his questions p paver. oy gy im that if he went on ori authority of the ans e SPEAKER) would e action accordingly, an ey his —— over Oh, then i ~ thove circumstances DONNELL wouldn’t put any Sender all; and so vanished amid roars of hearty laughter, and of irdnical applause. ter delay, occasioned chiefly by in , oy the number of -beven, came on Ce _. adj ene abate on the Second Act sh Di © ihe i,m av . niivalving an Fs aig. an once in the pily, ving an Irish row. ily, for Irish te at use of Commons are so frequent Geased to fuhny HE following letter, ap- parently in- tended for a Parisian contem- porary, has found its way to 85, Fleet Street. As Mr. Punch has no means of as- certaining the right address without publi- cation, he has decided upon printing a trans- CHARITY! lation of it. The MS. of course will be immediately re- turned on appli- cation at Mr. Punch’s office, and proper iden- tification by any- one so applying. The, Little Hotel of France, Calais, and the Two Worlds, Leicester Square, June 18, 1880. UM MY DEAR EpITux-1N-UB IEF ! ConGRATULATE me, my dear friend, a thousand times! You ask ,;mewhy? I willtell you. On leavin our, dear boulevards you told | me to see as much of the “‘ Sport ed '. possible. You knew I loved the chace! That my hood toil ed in the hunt! Well, I have obeyed you! Listen Attention { A friend of mine—a ‘‘ perfect Gentleman rider”—said but two days since,—‘* My dear! You wish to see how we hunt the fox in his lair. You have brought | your double-barrel-muzzle-loader that you may assist at his discom- | fituare! But alas! It is too late! e fox he has gone to take the waters at the sea-side until the winter! But courage ! You shall see something better! We will go to Kensington!” And, my faith, he was right! He had reason! We conveyed our- selves in a ‘ Hansom-cab-four-wheeler,” and flew with the wind past ‘* Hyde-Pare,” past “ Knit-is-bride’ ” to “ Baron-Grant-’Ous.” There we entered. All the “‘high-life” were there. The high ment! We crushed! We push We fought! We the men, | and those others, the Ladies! Oh, it was grand! It was likea battle! T was wild with excitement! I then understood why the | | English ‘* Mees” wishes the rights of man ! | Itis that she may hunt like the rest! Clothes were torn, shouts were made! It was splendid! But some were weak. Two Ladies fainted! But what cared the hunters? It wae the fortune of the war! But there was a rush, ahnd'then stich a fight! And they! noblesse,” the me ” the “ big Me fap monent all was excite” | were saved by another of their sex! Hip! hip! hip! for another of their sex ! en we hunted her / She retreated to another room, oe We pursuéd! Once more the fight, the crush, the combat! ow We pulled! How we tore! How we trod under foot! It was grand, magnificent! It wasglérious! Congratulate me! I am too excited to write more! Hip! hip! hip! for the ‘ Sport Anglais!” Oop-la—’Urray ! JULES, At this point the letter ends. Mr. Punch has no observation to offer as to its application. It is true that a Fancy Fair was recently held at Kensington House, at which the Princess of Wauzs, and the Duchess of Teck were great objects of attraction; but, of course, M. Juxes’ description can have nothing to do with that event | THE FARMER’S REAL FRIENDS. Hawfinch sings— Oxy Snow, a remaains of an age that’s bygone, What z0-ologers calls a *‘ survival,’ holds on. His mind was made up afore these here new days, And he always have Stood on the old-fashioned ways. The Refarm Bill, when carried by Russeit and Grey, ’Ood rewun the countree, he heer’d people say And he stuck to pant pny + all his life ion So the colour he voted was high Toree Blue. But as I was a gwiun for to look at a pig, I meets wi’ old Snow all bedizened out At On his breast in a button-hole a gurt yaller bow, Of the same round his hat a smart riband wore Sxow. ** Hullo, Sir,” I says to un, ‘‘ why who do I zee, Wi’ a Libbral rozett on? Thee a turnquoat, what, thee?” 6 ‘Ess, naaibur,” sez he, ‘‘ tis a vact that thee dost ; I’ve took on a new tether, the old bands be all bust. “* The repale o’ the Malt-tax we expected how long For to gaain by the Torees, when they should YY strong! In vaain, as we found whensoe’ er they got in; Droo the Libbrals at last we’ve our rights come to win. ‘* There’s the Ground Game Bill also—they some good ha’ done For we Farmers ; wy Z *tother chaps never did Use So now ‘ Bitt— Malt Bill—Gtapsrone for ever!’ I’il roar ; Never more no Consarvatives, never no more!” CONFESSION OF A CONSTITUENT. I acKNOWLEDGEsS I took money to wote for the sittin’ Member. I was offered one pound to. I allows I sold my wote for that sum. I ‘thinks I did right so to do. 1 considers it was my duty towards my Sovereign. SUITED To a “tT,” | Apvicr to Pleasure-seekers:—Go to Hampton, and exchange Thames Smells for Thames Smelts. © To Coaamsronpants.—The Baitor dose not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In ne case can these b¢ returned unless aecompanied by @ stamped and directed eneciope hen id be kept.

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Juty 3, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL a iitoreaceenpasiil AK = THE PHILOSOPHY OF CRITICISM. Critic. “Sork, 1T’s BY TAYCHIN’ THE IGNORANT PUBLIC WHAT 3g GOOD OB Bap, AccoRDIN’ TO ME LOIGHTS, THAT I GET ME LIVIN’ INTOIRELY! ” Layman, ‘AND HOW’S THE IGNORANT PUBLIC TO KNOW WHETHER YOU ARE BIGHT OB WEONG 7?” , a Critic (innocently). ‘‘ BY THR COINCIDENCE OF THE PopuLAR VERDICT WITH MOINE, Sopp, OB THE ReveRsE! Bor EITHORR WAY I TUKRN AN HONEST Penny!” OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAW, Farewell to Sarah— Waiting for Chaumont—Interim Performance— Friends — Old Faces— Old Pieces—Recommendation—Ou est Coquelin ?—Dutch ‘Metal— Quotatiwn— Explanation— Termination. , Saran has gone! Ji y a diz jours que SaRau est partie ! All is well that well all ends, And Saraug B.’s gone back to her friends. Whether they ‘re friends or whether they "re fogs, Mo-t of us care, but nobody knows. , She has had a yeritable triumph with her Adrienne, and a suecess with her Rome Vaineue. Frou-Frou was not within her reach; but whether above or below it, let those decide who can read—as M. Franciseve Sancey declares our critics can’t write to be read—"* between the lines.” Sanau was last heard of at Manchester. And now en attendant cette petite reine Mile. Coaumont—Ah! que Monsieur (Punch) attend Madame !—we have the ancient trowpe of the celebrated Palais Royal. FrKoy and Lakeirivk are here, and the ever-blooming Hyactntar—not fe cé/éhre ‘* Pére” YACINTHE—c'est ad dire M. Loyson qui est arrivé probablement par le méme bdteru a vapeur, et qui vient de jouer ses petites farces chez Monseigneur l’ Archevéque de Cantorbéry—but le grand’ Pégre Hyacinxtue, doyen du Palais Royal—with the spirituelle Mile. Dezapon, and the other attractive comédiennes. Everyone was disappointed with Za Cagnotte on their opening night. The clever actors were, somehow or other, not at home; and yet the audience tried their best to make them go, for they undonbtedly would not have tolerated so lengthy and idiotic a piece, with such dawdling entr’actes, in any of our own London theatres. But Le Révei/lon on Tuesday revived us. It is a fairly constructed Sig BR a of MM. Merimac and Hatevy’s—with situations and some really witty dialogue. The acting was perfection of its kind, and satisfied those who knew what to expect from such a combination of old “ playmates” so long associated together for the charitable object of amusing the public. Are there any young Georrxors and Lagurrrexs and Hyacintars springing up in the garden of the Palais Royal, or will their secret die with them? Later on MM. AUBRAY and M will join them, and we shall see whatever plays are autorisés par Milor Chambellan. Permit metorecommend Tricoche et Cacolet, La Boule, et-le ; illom. Gavant that it would be difficult to find their equals—all three playing together— in any one London theatre. They are only little people, mind. Bras- seur, poor Git Pérez, and Las- SOUCHE, no longer members of the company, are conspicuous by their absence—especially the latter. By the way, | hear of M. Coqvetiw exché somewhere in London, and giving little drawing-room enter- tainments on his own acovunt, be- cause he can’t get that hundred a-night — pounds, not francs — at hich he estimates his services. (ue chante-t-il ce cher directeur . Jouw Howiresuxan? Par- tout wb fredonne, ** He's too jolly clever by half,” and s0 ce spirrtuel DELIN ne cogueline posici. Well, we all missed /e petit Duc de Sept- monts this season, and wanted very much to see L’ Etrangeére. Bravo Dutch metal and Dutch soon The Dutch company has m a succés d'estime, and un de mes chers ollégues hag already testified to their excellence. The ritish public will wake up when y have gone. But never too late oe j and it is to be hoped they will revisit London next year. when we shall fs learned Dutch. That is a “* Gelukigge Inval,” isn't it? Haven’t I read in Flemish— which is quite near enough—"* Byng neemt Milburd en mi ter ajde. * Wat voor een kerstfeestachtige ves- tooning,’ vraagt Byng, ‘ kunnen we hedenken om ue te amuseren?’ Mil- burd slaut charades voor”? Well, well — “* We kloppen onze pijpen uit, drinken ons glus léy en gaan naar bed.” And, Dutch or Fiemish, or , that’s a good finish for Your Rernesentastve. mE ag deed iy petrect is fre Se tgge Invallen, or Happy Thoughts ated into Flemish by Sorna ina. Let them send an Opéra- company to play La Grunde chess—musique de Mynheer Van achu ffen. P.S. No. 2—Gelukiggg Inyal, or Happy Thought.—Prevtoas to visit- ing the Gaiety at eight, dine at a small table in the salle @ manger of the Grand Hotel at something before seven, taking the table-dhéte dinner, and having been very careful to order your table early in the morning of the same day. The salleisso thickly carpeted that the waiters move abut noiselessly, like ministering spirits, — though, of course, they don’t *‘ like ministering spirits” to anyone unless ordered. Cela va sans dre; et tout ld va sans bruit. * ee a — THEN AND NOW. Once Mr. GLADSTONE was agso- ciated with the Ivnian Islands, at the present we connect him with Malta. To Lapres wno Parnt—TuHem- SELVES.—It is better to be “ plain”’ than “‘ coloured.” A Pewrrest Exvection Petition. susdit ’ Minard § Cie., is rather—ahem—but the three Miles. Gavanr are delightful, and I venture to say VoL. LXXxvim. Poon DD —** Please disfranchise us!” BS os yr ga nid ee a ne a a ARETE AER

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jony 3, 1880,

eee 0 “

NIL” DESPERANDUM. Water Daxce or THe Framinco on wavine “is BANTLING HATCHED AT LAST.

WIDE OF THE MARK, og oy questions not very wise, answers Vv much less wise, have ion suggested by the recent Ag- nostic row in Parliament. is Mr. BRaDLAUGH a might be advised to do if he were a cobbler. To the question above -_ poanded the of Northampton, ity of oemakers, another an- wae yee representative use nies the immortality =< for his denyi its immor- tality: neithse does he thereby, as yet another Wag alleges, Mind and Brain. Ir is not true that anybody that Mr. BrapLaven, Ww confined in the Clock Tower, should be put to the rack. An investigator of GALL and SPvuRzHEIM’s eaten, a ever, suggested head should be shaved, in order that a cast might be taken of 1 es whether the ** Veneration ” and ‘‘ - vellousness ” are so small, and e organs of ‘‘ Firmness” and “Self-esteem” s0 » as they ought to be to Phrenology. GEMS AND GREEN-GROCERY. Tue Natal Mercury, speak- ing of the South-African Dia- mond Fields, says that next to diamonds potatoes seem to be the dearest thing on them, £6 10s. having been given for a bag of them. At this rate, however, potatoes are still con- siderably cheaper than carats. CITY ARTICLE, There is an “‘ Aldermanic contest in Billingsgate.”’ Ler us hope it will pass off without any recourse to the language for which that Ward has been distinguished. CrrIes AND CoNTRARIETIES.— “Gin and True Religion!” and ** Atheism and Total Absti- nence!”

Page 307

haan iid 2 ———————— — anil » uv ‘ofung v ayt) 42uj40g *Y Busppoy us sysreuoo ‘fyasutpy 0} pejotsjse4 OU §} yoryar ,,“ussof,, 8 W 9) «4g / TUMH Od SNSIOT 41 LAT “WHIM, svai{ LY TIdM AMSA SaOd MYO HBL i svaly EN ‘4018 UELIEE C. TM ,, (Apuoppns) sudywey op Aquoswor s4jy —usyn 929q fisza sry Gurouvp $3 9Y ‘uotpsuss v burzypos9 fo snoewoo Aypnosz {004 pousozod ay} 49pUn 4mkj40T sry useq usfo spy CYR puD ‘g29y3 snovy vy ApvT] Ayuo ayz ‘suhiymoy op fiquosuog “ssfq yn seyDN pup ‘genoj] wozptIg 7D POUDpP DV sof psvo v 26 (jas UNO sty ut 490uUD YU4I py) suns soppy sniisop *"3ON3UZS4IO WY GNV NOILONILSIO V “snpopuvy? © yyoeueg 494 panos Apno)s burddoy p PANY bid S sto ee | : a mH lr its) i eaten | Wren 't' | ‘ose ‘¢ A14f—IUVAIMUVHOD NOCGNOT UHL u0 ‘HONOd . “

Page 308

ne Des gga 8” RABI yore maid

[Juxx 3, 1880,

' | = ee a a ene i i trep, and dream of the Budget. Friday, June 18 (Lords).— Lord Nourom moved for an Address to Her Mavzsesry, praying for the omission of the fourth schedule from the Education Department's New Code, proposing to make blic payment for teaching alf-a-dozen of the higher knowledges in national schools. _ By a majority of 48 their Lordships ecided against those chargeable creme to the T 8.

(Commons, Morning.)—The House, after nigh three hour#’ talk; went into Com- mittee pro furmda on the [Irish Distress Relief Bill; and pro- — was imme- : iately reported. SS | NAD “heeahan : ‘ vas ‘ venting.)— »~ yes The event there- —— \\ 3 - of was the final A\\\\\\ ag 5 suceess of Sir NY Ss Witrarw Law- SON in getting the House, by a Majority of 26, to ee to his solution af- tming the prin- ciple of Local Option; _ that rinciple and é principle of the Permissive ? : Bill. being as 4 /, , 3 | NY nearly alike as / A be //, Athi ; two peas. Mr. Gtap- STONE, disliking abstract resolu- tions which were ne not eT Heoee ’ to Bills, coul not follow his hon. friend into the Lobby, but “hoped that at some no very distant period it might be found practicable to déal with the licensing law’, and to ifclude a reasonable and just application of the principle of Loc&l Option.” That, then, Your Honours, will be a measuré 6f Loedl Optioh Which Will fot restrict the liberty | of Personal Option, and will duly so regulate thé sale of hquor as, néver ; Hot to rob a poor | man of his beer. Rob him of his ne réednce the revenue; prohibit the liquor trade, } and you will have to rub the Income=- , Or els’ to ‘toed Cote on the People’s tea, or | some other commodity which the Pema consume. Hf 1 Option preven he consump- | tion of liquors which duties are now levied om Wouldn’t it, in s far, annul Optional Taxation, and | necessitate compulsory Taxes on Témpérance? Think of that. Monday (Lords).—On the Motion ot operation of the Highway Acts, ¥ they hope the noble Lord himself 4 tions and replies only ; none notewor — | — | SN | Uj ——.. Liza | SKY VSGENelsce | | | De ra Warn, a Select Commi to inquire into the by Lord Enrrezp on the part of Government ; and itit thereon. No legislation to-night. Interroga- (Commons.)— Mr. Lanoven “@ Father dialectic speeth, moved his Resolution that Mr. Bsapiaven be allowed to : Sir H. Giurrarp moved, as &n meiidinett, that he be allow aoe eat ee. Serjeant Simon, the AtrornEY-GEpEnar, ene . Brigut ot proces thé Motion ; equally of course Mr. Hopgaxp, Mr. W r. Bes -Hore, and Mr. EB. Stannope the Amendment. Mr. Briest, on the part of Mr. Brapiaven, in a speech which highly irritated the << arty, took oceaéion to point out that ‘‘there were quite as mafiy lawyers on ofié #idé as on the other.” Who shall decide when lawyers disagree ? ; Forgetting that the subject of debate was simply a question of parliamentary law, the anti- | Bradlaugh speakers mostly treated it asa matter of sentiment. Amongst them, however, Mr. | Alderman Fow er cited a text of peculiar cogency, in a Civic point of view, perhaps. ‘If a man

did not believe” in the tenets which an Atheist believes that he dis- believes, then, Mr. Fow.er justly declared, ‘‘ he was not likely to be a man of high moral character.” Cer- tainly not. ‘* The language of such a man,” added the Alderman, “*must be ‘ Let us eat and drink, for to-morrow we die.’ ”’ To an eae ges of ant ponpie, this must naturally appear the language to be capa of an Atheist. But vthers than Atheists seem, though they don’t say so, to devote them- selves chiefly to eating and drinking. Unedifying palaver adjourned. In Committee on the Wild Birds hree | Protection Law Amendment Bill, censured by Major Notan as pro- tecting hawks, ies, and other pernicious birds, J. Lussocx pleaded that hawks, at all events, should be cared for, as an almost extinct species. Ornithologists, and brethren in the bonds of woodcraft, salute Sir Jonw Luspocx. Adjourn- ment of House. Tuesday (Lords).—The Govern- ment acceded to a Motion made by Lord Limerick for a return of at- tempted robberies of arms reported by the Irish Constabulary within the last year. Also, to the request of Lord ANNESLEY for a return of the number of evictions for -non-pay- ment of rent in the distressed dis- tricts of Ireland in 1878 and 1879, which the Noble Lord wished to ob- tain because he believed that evic- tions on large Irish estates were very rare. The fewer both robberies and evictions in Ireland turn out to be proved, the more will the British public be disappointed (Commons.) — Resumption of the Bradlaugh debate by Mr. Newpe- GATE, v4 taxed the Government with having, as touching the occa- sion thereof, brought the House into a ‘disgraceful muddle.” He added some general observations on Athe- ism; for which the Speaker called him to question. Mr. Grapstong said he would argue the question drily, and he kept his word, pursuing a mainly dry indeed, but forcible argument. He thought the House had no power to refuse the oath, and would, by refusing it, conflict with the Courts of Law and the constituency of Northampton, and finally be re- duced to humiliation, as whilom in the case of Wirkes. The other side (Church and State) had been driven to abandon successively the Church, the Protestant and the Christian character of the House, and would attempt in vain to rally on the ‘narrow and slippery ”’ und of Theism, or, as he might have said, the theistic Rink. ; Mr. Grsson answered forcible ar- ment in kind, arguing with much orce that the cases of Witkes and BRADLAUGH were quite different. — Mr. Svuiirvay, alike with Irish earnestness and Irish logic es for Parliament’s retention of its re- ligious character, admitted that if ever the day came—which he depre- cated—when the Atheists should be as numerous as Jews, the Non- conformists, and the Catholics, the House, if the Atheists claimed to come into it, would have to consider their -

|

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xm x Jury 3, 1880.] ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 305 demand, If their demand is‘one which consistency requires the House to consider now, what signifies it whether be rare as black swans or “‘ plenty as blackberries?” The fact, perhaps, is that Atheists are extremely scarce. After yoo Beious from Mr. Conen and Mr. Curt- DES, and anti-Bradlaugh from Mr. Syvan, Mr. Daty, and Sir 8. Nortacote, whilst Mr. Roogrs was vainly trying to speak, the House divided amid tremendous uproar. ‘Silence in the pig- market” (Parliamentary) having been restored, the numbers, anti- radlaugh, 275, pro-Bradlaugh, 230, anti-Bradlaugh majority 45, were announced amidst wil y vociferous and enthusiastic cheers, bp, od waving of hats 4 mrtg on Members, a ome- Rulers, cing with excitement, jam on venting exuberant exultation in _— and botinds. Amenduent agreed to nem. con., with repetition of row. Wednesday (Commons).—Mr. S®eaxer took the Chair, and Mr. BRaDLAvGH nted himself at the Table. He requested to have the oath administered to him. of that, the Srraker administered the Resolution passed at the Fr yey si , and bade him withdraw. Mr. Braptav@m demanded to be heard; but by the Speaxer’s di w pending consideration of his demand. On the Motion of Mr. Latoucuenr, the House con- sented to hear him, but, at the tion of Mr. Waxpore, “at the Bar.” He contested Resolution debatring him from oath of affirmation in, it must be said, a decent speech. Under the management of Sir Starrorn Norrucors, Leader of the anti-Bradlaugh majority, and with the comeurrence of Mr. though Leader of the House, declined, as being GLaDsToNnE, who Chief of the pro-Bradlaugh minority, to lead it for the time being, the House ined the situation as to Mr. Brapravenr to unchanged. At call, re-enter Brapnaven. The Speaker informed him the House had no more to say to him, and aa Meee go. He ully insisted on his right to stay, and have the oath administered to him, and, still y, refused to fi Again the Speaker told him that the order of the House was he was to go, and he again refused. ag refusal in of @ formal vote on thé Motion of Sir 8. Noxrneore, and Was , by order of the Speaxer, walked off by the jeant-at-Arms as far as the “ Bar,” but there faced about, amd reiterated his claim to remain. Possibilities of forbearance having now been exhausted, the House had no more to de for it than vote his commitment for | - contempt. Voted accordingly. And so, consigned on the SPEAKER’s warrant to the Clock Tower, exit BrapLaven, guarded. The policy of self-effacement pursued by the Premrer throughout the transactions above summari occasioned comment. When- ever he in he addressed the House holding his stick in one hand and his hat in the other, locking like a political pilgrim. Quite a picture. . An Irish Bill having been withdrawn, and a Middlesex Bili talked out, thus ended a very unusual and exciting Wednesday’s work. Thursday (Lords).—Sparring over the Burials Bill, between the Bishop of Perersoroves and the Archbishop of Canrersury, The Bishop, in criticising the Bill, objected to word ‘‘ Christian ”— much as he valued it as a legislative recognition of Christianity—be- cause it would incur the hostility of parties in the House of Commons. The Archbishop, misunderstanding the Bishop, said that the Right Rev. Prelate had done infinite damage to the Bill and to himself. Strong language this last, if really meant ; which of course it wasn’t. The Bishop warmly repudiated the interpretation put on his words by the Most Rev. Primate. Tantene animis colestibus tre? After further talk, in the course of which Lord GranvILLE re- marked that the speeches of the Bishop of Perersorovex and Lord BraconsFrEeLp (who had also criticised the Bill), were not very well calculated to either assist their Lordships or promote a solution of the controversy, the Burials Bill was Read a Third Time. (Commons.)—Mr. LanoucHERE eo notice of immediate Motion to bring in an Amendment of the Parliamentary Oaths Act. 0, amend it altogether! Sir 8. Nortucore asked if the Government had any Motion to make regarding Mr. Braptaven. Mr. Giapstone had, up to then, not chosen to consult his colleagues about the matter, nor had he any advice to tender the House. Still adhering to abstention. ir SrarrorD, observing that his Motion for the committal of Mr. Braptaveu, had not been made pee sg ton but only to sustain the authority of the House, moved an order for his release. Mr. Lasoucuere, having informed the House that if Mr. Brap- LAUGH were released, he would =ey og kee and behave as —- Mr. Giapstowe gave him a hint t, now the case was al , that would be going too far, The Motion having been agreed to, the Prisoner of the Clock Tower, liberated from his temporary confinement, returned and sat quietly under the Gallery. The Budget Bill, with alterations and improvements, explained Mr. Giapsrong, underwent diseussion, during which Mr. Oxe- WING eulogised the Beer-tax, which he thought would be a mine of wealth to a Chancellor of the Exchequer, and might be the means tax. If so, whata it, Sir Witrem Lawson ? of sweeping away the Tea and Coffee Duties, and probably the Income- blessing the Beer-tax will be! W whether the Farmer would be much of a on’t Malt-tax, and said the Budget of the i with pains and penalties for the Brewer. Is that so, Witt? Peter ought not to be burdened to ease Paul, and give Mr. to complain, ‘‘ Bass is the slave that The been read a Third Time, on with, the House rose late to go to bed very early. , and some iittle Bills got THE PATIENT MAN AND THE PERAMBULATOR. (Dedicated to Westbourne Grove and Kensington High Street.) crunc#! Da— but no! I will not swear, Though that’s the twentieth time or so She’s gone o'er my most cher- ished toe— I will be patient, and forbear : She shall not chafe me thus —I swear ! Bang! Toes again? Not so! The Nurse This time has only barked my shins. Perhaps ‘twill count against my sins ! The pain _ is great, yet I'll not curse— It might have been a great deal worse ! Crash! There! the vile thing’s knocked me down. I might have smashed the baby— And, if I had, ’twould serve it right. My leg’s not broke—’tis but my crown ; Yet 1’ll not swear—I’ll merely frown ! at is sadly cut, I doubt; teeth feel loose. Thanks! Not much harm? I Lope I haven’t broke my arm. When next I take walks hereabout, I’ll make my will ere I set out ! baby—quite : STRAWS FROM ST. STEPHEN’S. THE > ition part played, in the course of a recent Parliamen- tary by a hat and walking-stick held by the Paxmzen, has suggested the subjoined table of “‘ Symbols,” which, together with their es Mr. Punch, with very much pleasure, pub- lishes for benefit of the general outsider :— Starting a Japanese butterfly over Determination to catch the the table. Speaker’s eye. . Asking every Member, privately, Resolution to effect a rapid just to come out havean Count-Out. Thorough understanding with advanced supporte rs. ted Compromising the dignity of the Chair. Embarrassing an officer of the House. Refusal to take any part in the Withholding of all Government support.

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Ry Ee ° ~t 1 emt | mental. } PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jory 3, 1880, 7 Taos Y MAL " > ON, * A CAUTION TO E/, V4. Ki 4 iy if Cf \ ee 7 UY WA aoe ; Y ~ ES \ NNO a7 Wy ‘ | Tex Siaul, “Up _ 3 Pass, HUME BY. ‘ d , FUTIAN yy, 4 TN TSS — Sf/~ — = —_ —_—_— ly FAIR SAMARITANS. Sitting pensive on a rustic bench, young Smith sees those pretty girls from the Hall coming his way, and, on the chance of their belonging to an ** ambulance Class” (which they do), he suffers himself to be overcome by the heat (58° in the Sun), and falls prostrate just as they pass by ! Emily, ‘‘ It’s a Fant, poor Fsriow ! Hotp H1s HeAD Low pows, Maup, AND UNDO His Sarnt-CoLLAR, WHILE I FEEL HIS PULSE. Og ! HOW STRONGLY IT BEATS !”’ CRICKET IN EXCELSIS! (An intercepted Letter.) The Candlesticks, Queen Anne's Road, South Kensington, My OWN DEAR PARTICULAR SWEET OF A JULIA, a reason for going, but I have quite forgotten what that reason was. But believe me it was all very nice and lovely ! The first bell for dinner! I must send you a kiss, and remain Your own devoted Lavra GusHer. P.S.—I open the letter to say that Rosx tells me the picnic was held at Lorp’s on the occasion of the University Match. Very likely. I promisED you when we left the country and came up to my She says they were playing at cricket. Very likely again ; - b i k at any- town that if 1 enjoyed myself very much I would write to you and | ut then you see we were too busy with our lunch to loo y tell you all about it. delightful time of it! : ! Well, this week we have had a perfectly | thing else! Oh, so nice! Good-bye ! sweet | So much too charmingly We have been picnicing in such a lovely place! And in the very centre of town, too! Isn’t that much too awfully charming? Nothing uncomfortable! No forgetfulness of the spoons, and the salt, and the soda-water and the ice! No; everything was deauti- fully arranged. We drove down in the morning, and went to our carriage, which was ranged up with scores of others under some delightful trees. In the barouche we found the hampers, and in leas than no time the butler and his men had everything spread out on the whitest of cloths stretched over the cosiest of tables. And oh, we did so enjoy ourselves! Plenty of nice fellows only too glad to make themselves as useful as they certainly were orna- Captain SapreTacHE (you remember we met him at Juttan’s in the autumn) was the life and soul of the party, and amused us all so much. He was very kind and civil to me—but never mind, My dear child, the whole affair was too, too charming. I shall never forget it—never, never, never / And then the dresses were so beautiful! Bonnets, don’t you know, covered with real flowers, and costumes of every shade and | T colour. And the men were so neat and natty! And the drags, and the flage, and the Pavilion! Oh, it was quite too lovely ! And now you will want to know where the picnic was given, and why it was held. My dear child, I give you my word of honour I have not the faintest idea. I have such ahead! I suppose we had Another Phase of the Eastern Question. “The harem of Ismart Pasa, the ex-Khedive, still remains in the Dardanelles.”’ Suc a tragic announcement seems to require some explana- |tion. Are we to understand that these poor Ladies are all gone to the bottom, have all had the sack? If so, this fresh aspect of the | Dardanelles question is one for immediate investigation by the Con- | ference now bar together at Berlin. Demand by Dundreary. Arrentiow has lately been called to a system of teaching deaf children to speak, and carrying on articulate conversation even in several languages by means of “lip reading.” In order that the deaf should read lips, is it pout that the lips should be bare ? o enable a man to have his lips read, must he necessarily have to shave off his moustaches ? Tue Favirs or Parmosorpuy.—Mr. Braptaven in the Clock Tower.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jury 3, 1880.

ss ~ WihSS eS SS N™SAN SS SSS SMWAD : SS ee SSS at SENS SS — a w =A j / / SS Wy AVA RUBY Ai ( lf 4, } \ oui , WYX\ ae \\ “QQ i i Ye YY’ YY, ) Malay” Z WY “ s/n « eee | Ms « | ‘ i “i y VL, Ly) / vay 7 AY Y Zi Ui A, 4 YA f f ; y : / YY Zi “ KICKED OUT.” (?) / Ve Ti -. WZ» s eta a se Wi,

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Page 313

Jury 3, 1880.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 309 THE LATEST CHRONICLE OF SMALL-BEERJESTER. Write,” ” $c., Se, \ —sA Rade. \eN pEL . THE BEADLE! ANTHONY DOLLOP. Author of “‘ The Chronicles of Barsellshire,” ‘‘ Beerjester Brewers,” “* The Hi tnton,” *‘ Thorley Farm for Cattle,” *‘ Family Parsonage,” The before Swine, or, Who Used his Diamonds?” “* Rub the Hair,” “ mond, * Fin,” * Fishyas Wilduz,” ** Dr. Thorne and David Ji > Rachel Hooray !” “ The Jellies of Jel e-Anna,” “ Tails of All Creatures,” ‘*’A 4 a4) oy tyme of Balladsingerwn,” * Can Tea ty THe Ansovr. #it® Modierns her eg ars yo eee of even- | the odour Ph al ed with - had she cupetned more lovely to her lover than did now. Her face was serious; yet there was a saucy look in oné eye, and a simple child's light in other, that gave to the latter a s&tcerer appearance, and lit ™P her peeteres with lustrous at Ale- | ener; her h trembled as he » * Dagrls | look ‘over it, it, and Led played ” |) with it; but su rip _|that he had own to pl ay wit > he drop vin thrown out two 6 woul aereinee liked to have ta , but au ak and in she oe name “— a io Bovien Re steneed at the gave & significant lover | the Eau de Tea ner-| ‘‘ No,” the replied a. Pape ha the | his mute i mind | always said it is right to your y in- | Teas, but never to mix your liquors.’ Joun rly did hot —0 sorry. He really di pn, he said, what she A Nas Per not, she —_€, but it was not first time nat enine poor 68 f she d hes mention dear father i | nd herself. Jona realy grieved nt —most grieved. He have ae nS And then he remark that it was warm for x eney oi, to which she replied that it ae warmer for him before it had finished. He thanked her, but he didn’t take tea, he observed hesitatingly, whereupon this | she rejoined that whether he took it or not, she would make it hot for him anyhow. Then he stooped down and adinired the china teapot. * Yes,” she said, ‘it is a great — Our teapot draws wonder- oc oe ate fond of tea?” inquired Mr. Bounce, er ‘“*We are thorough Bohea-mians her fair hands. **He comes hte, she said to herself, scarcely looking up from under her bonnet at Mr, Bounce, | here,” she replied. ‘1 am a sort of who had es pring 1 to off 4 a res shrimp. A ke this I am sor Poor MorteenA! I don’t being an undertaker—that oy has a feminine heart, and he has a man! and then finding himself dazed and on deriding him. After all these little attentions on the gertel Ya seeing most of the game, have observed, Pal her admirer over in her own way and at her own time, corner a gentleman after m pers i in societies as perfectly regula ouNcE’s heart was in his mouth, as Mr. Simon SimpieR observed the time of year, and that he couldn’ t stop sy — of solos and fantasias on threshold. and disappeared. Joun Bounce = not met her since one day the w trying to catch a fly, and he had told her that the noise she i ing was only a Buz; whereupon, suiting the action to = would not accept ; ‘and, in reply to his box on the ear, which he should take from her hand, ond es high dudgeon. It had subsequently struck him that even this about it; for had she not given him a there had something in his manner o that he “‘ was asking for it.” But who was to be her Perseus ¢ ek e determined to consider Mr, Jonn peneen S as the would ri fined without the aid of a Perseus, or, at all events, she until the deliverer might ap ppear. that Jonn Bounce isa Svenstie ¢ the en head, thogh ‘ =f ‘ond of is back, while all you a not be amazed, own heart, who ine one it as was that of the cathedral- cownat Sono! -Beerj she was between him inquiry as to her ane cores rivate box all to which he matin was utation to her father, ‘with his own ends in view, like this | Bohea-mian irl. But oh, Mr. rimp, he is in my hands.” Then she ate the potiang There remained to it neither «muddle eu and she had taken the shrimp’s body as though agorting illuminated her Key wary + as she felt like holpancih. monster, oo chripp, lay at her feet. at Bource——,” and here she paused es mek, while %: sea-| ‘‘ Hem!” coughed Jonn Bounce, i . | anxiously, the le is. hemm'd already,” she re- ucking up her ¢o » Vooulda't t do it now withou Paes | nerf th atl, on this dues | sudden - & made quickly for the hi 4 Opposite “things do ‘Ob, Mr. Bot Bovxes!” she eet ester in an impassioned tone. ‘it wasn’ cold for the ' th, ne bas Promised to give a musa a Pg 7 ion of this name, Sooners ov sank within him, and was ) Mr. Sion SruPrzr retired within the house, and left him alone with h his on was a shrimp in MortEena’s and -| nasty, slanderous, odious, libellous s Trust. antics in the Penny P Ads was it?” And tho rhised the heavy cuulicen in her ope, cabee tether geek ove Glan 20 eppes that made Joux ook: befoen fast, ot Gd tle, ee

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ee en a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Jury 3, 1880, AN AWFUL CRAMMER. Proprietor of boarding-house (taking stout guest aside), ‘‘ You'’LL EXCUSE MB, Mr, SHARPSET, BUT YOUR APPETITE 18 80 LARGE THAT I SHALL BE COMPELLED TO CHARGE you A SHILLING ExrRea. It CAN'T BE DONE AT Two SalLuines!” Diner. “‘No! For Heaven’s sake von’r po THAT! I caN EAT Two SHILLINGS’-WORTH EASY; BUT IF I Have TO Do Tarez—I REALLY—’AFRAID | sHOULD—BOT I'LL TRY !!” a « somet to be some likelihood of his picking a few bits up without much trouble. “It wasn’t you, you sneak, who called my father a thief and a swindler in that filthy paper, was it, eh?” she cried, vehemently, for the stream of her eloquence was now in full flow, and her lover felt that any attempt to dam it was utterly useless. She poured forth a flood of words, and brandished the slop-basin, which it was clear to Jonw Bounce would soon follow the teapot. ‘I never said so,”’ Miss Morteena! ‘* I—” and again he ducked below the —_— - the crockery flew from her fair hand, and broke in a thousand fragments at his feet. Poor Joun Bounce! his position was certainly a cruel one. man treated him in this way he could have given him as as he brought— that is, if he had an equally valuable set of blue china; or if Miss Mortezna had employed her lawyer to hurl these things at him, he would have instructed his own to tea service ; but how could he do anything but duck and hide beneath the table when a beautiful girl, the daughter of the man he had injured, was heaving things at him in this manner? What was her conduct but that of a Daughter of Heave, after all ? In the meantime, MoRLEENA again summoned up her energies. ‘* Mr. Bouncer,” said she, ‘‘I will reserve the silver milk-jug and the sugar- ay ei ee posture and looked i ly pleased e up from stoopin, and loo immensely ple > “Tam going to ask you to A something for me,” she went on. “It is not much, but it is something. If you refuse——”’ . “What is it?” he gasped out, deprecating the movement of her fair hand towards the sugar-basin, and at the same time edging nervously towards the door of the arbour which MortxEna had, however, previously locked. She fol- im round the table as he moved from his chair, and laid one soft hand on his arm while he felt the other pressing into his neck between the front shirt-collar button and his wind-pipe. Ah! at any other time how exquisitely delightful would have been that touch! What could he say to this sweet sup- Had any gentle- **T will! I will!” cried Joun Bounce. ‘‘Oh, Mor- LEENA, I will do anything, but——” She still held him and looked eagerly into his face with her hair dishevelled, her eyes all bloodshot, an the massive milk-jug aloft in her right hand, ready to descend with all the full force of her true feminine power on her lover’s head. ** Will you go and assassinate the man who wrote that article?” she screamed again. “*T will! I will! shrieked Jonw Bounce, “if you will only let me tell you how I love you. How I——” ““ Will you?” she continued remorselessly, ‘‘ will you eal gag LS prin a every one connected with that execrable theus ?” "7 will, I will!” he shouted. ‘‘ Montzena, I “*That’s rude in a lady’s presence,” she interrupted ; “but you will take your oath to blow them all up, every- one?” “*T renounce them all—I mean I will,” answered Jonn Bounce, sinking on his knees, and hardly able to recognise in the wild excited beauty that stood before him the calm domesticated child of Mr. Srixon SruPreR. She continued— ** You will take your oath on your knees, but you will not keep it there. You will go to London, and there you will keep it. Now, say after me, All this I promise and vow——”’ ** All this I promise and vow,” repeats Joun Bounce. “help me! ” ** Shelp me! ” echoed her lover. Then, her object being gained, with becoming maidenly confusion she opened the door, and said she must now really go,—she couldn’t stop any longer alone with Mr. BouncE,—what would people say ?—and so forth. ** Let me say one word for myself,” he pleaded. ** Not one,” was her reply, © ou return from London and prove to me that you have your vow.” ** But I may hope ?” he ur; ** As much as you like,” returned. ‘And when you come back—ask Papa!” and so saying she tripped across the lawn and gained the house, entering it by the back door, and disappearing gaze of her enamoured admirer. “* Ask Papa!” he repeated to himself. Then he went round to the front and inquired for Mr. Sumpter. The trim maid who answered him and the door at the same time, said that— “* Master had gone up to tewn not a ’our ago.” ‘Then I’ll follow him,” said Jonw Bounce, deter- minedly, ‘‘ and see him at once.” ‘* Miss Mortxena told me to say as she ain’t at home, Sir,” said the servant, ‘‘ but anything as you intend for her, if you’ll leave it with me, Sir,——” Joun Bounce, who had intended a kiss for her Mi I at once stepped forward to impress the trim waiting-mai with the m which she could then convey with her own lips after she had received it from his, but at this moment the contents of a water-jug were emptied upon him from an upper window and the door was peremp- torily shut in his face. ** MontgEna!” he exclaimed, ing up. ** You seemed fond of os head while I was talking to you in the arbour, so t I’d duck it for you now,” said MorLEENA enthusiasm. “ An her fair face lighted up with mind, don’t anything for me in i : you attempt to leave way again. nd so she closed the window, and thorcht nat with her diseppearance the light of day had t wit! i i y eotined that the sun departed, at that the daughter had. But his resolution was y taken; Ode ane ven war dar Latin on De ar, you see, my dear w as the result of this interview have not been exactly realised, Andromeda has rid herself for a time of the sea-monster without the aid of the hero P and it seems probable that there will be an i of the sea- monster himself than of the maiden who was to been his victim on this classic shore. id QUITE THE REVERSE. i d from his| Ir has been that just now Turkey is the aast Searcely a word, for she would not remove her soft han is it ee. wagested Jest oe Ba ekey ot ‘* Will you go and kill the Editor of the Prometheus?” she almost screamed. | present is the land not of but of Darkness. @@ To Conzusrompunts.— The Editor does not hold himesl/ bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed mvclops for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by © should be kept. “

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 311 Aéronautics, 36 Argument a la Francaise, 285 Ascot Meeting (The), 273 rary mg ry 41 “ As You Like a Conference Confession of a Constituent, 300 - - acealeeee 2388 Christian and Conservative, 238 Cool, if not Chilly Ly Copyheads for tor Vokons that will be, 265 (Election), 138 Practices pea gang a Cricket in Exvelsis ! 306 and Contrarieties, 30? “Croon” of the Koh-i-Noor (The), 85 Curacy on Castors, 120 Dawounovs Hoonomy “(A), 266 ——- the Verbal ae , 1 Demand by Dun , 806 4 Derby in a Nutsbell ), 242 Derby Lunch (The), 244 Di the Dist we gh I a French - to Eng- and, 254 Diary of the British Farmer of the Fu- ture, 265 Disa from Constantinople, 61 Discovery (A), 216 Dishing, with a Segpaee, 192 D y Map, 288 Down rn J the Dead Men, 149 Dramatic Iofant-Schools, 33 me s Cyprus (A), 177 Du aye at the Imperial Theatre, £85 ie), 96 Education and Aération, 12 Anagrams, 157 Election Brew The), 136 Electioneering 4 la Mode, 133 Election Nursery Rhymes, 178 jpemee of pmmey ' 82, 86, &c. 258 Eaoclion, Bacdet Exclaim 238 Explana' (An), 96 Extra-Parliamentary Utterance, 144 Farr and — 6 Fanatics and Fagots, 85 Farewell ! 196 Farmer's Real Friends (The), 200 Father of Roads (The), 261 Few Proverbs (A), 252 sr — oe Flats a b eeag doy 165, 171, 182, &. say co Hye 19 — 83 For Bale, 180 ** Por this Relief much Thanks !” 95 From Our en Schoolboy, ¥5 Frost and F. — (The), 206 by 8 Gain and Loss, 24 Gems and Green- Why, 94 Guides Wanted, 192 Guns and Governments, 71 “* Hatt to the Chief!” 184 Fred on Pretty Girls and Pictures, 253 Fruits of Philos il Girton Girls and "Lanenablioe § Witches, 58 Good Guide to the Academy, 209 Hard Lines, 80, 237 Hardly. Kelt (The), 216 Hares Rabbits Bill (Amended), 279 Hazy May, 225 Head Money at Salonica, 156 Heads or Tails —a Leading Question, 59 Heavy Blow and a Great Discourage- ment (A), 85 Hibernian with Dynamite, 173 minty Aone 7 (eee, 33 Hints for a New —~ Original Dramatic OeRogn, 36, 28, 51, &c. His Best Friends, 34 Hits tor Misses,"187 Decoration— sane at Gee How to become a Grain of the Collective Wisdom, 1% Imacreary Conversation, 217 als herepean Meee I vas? 0 lettsalo uate Mock’ S00 “* In linked ‘ Sternn: or erties In Prospect of Dissolution, 132 “Ins” and * Oute” of it (Phe), 65 In the Teeth of the late North-Easter, 205 n the Theatre, 270 aviterion of the Day (An), 78 Irish Obstructives to Irish Aid, 51 Jaramese Fire Association (A), 217 ieee oy Soares | Ce 51 Justice Srireland tts Just iu Time, Fi aa eeeaett yy in Difficulties, 11 Last Additions to our Bogtish Vocabu- *” &o., 102 binson Planché, as Lenten for the Cabinet, 78 Lesson out of the Manchester Schoo! (A), | Letter of Letters (The), 238 Life's Work and a Life’s Wage (A), 73 Light or Dark? 57 Local and Opium, 269 London Town, 190 “* Lords” and Lost Derby (The), 184 Maxwne One's Mouth Water, 23 Malleus Malefactorum, “4 Man of Light and Leading (The), 154 Monument (A), 10 206 , 114 Midlothian (The), 149 me 40 M for Blection-Time, 163, 179 More Already ! 47 More Lam t Wanted, 59 Ligh 215 Nariowat Fun and Guseahke, 144 New Dictatorship (The), 181 Homage to Lord Bexernstield Ala Rosse, |X x , 228 Quod edie ede,” 210 | ew’ Firm (The), 237 New Leaves, 13 New Medal for the Chocolat Menier (A), 94 pow Moves Still Open, & New Titles for Mr. Punch's Dum my Bookshelf, 45 New View of the New Registrar-General (A), 48 New Year's Cracker (A), 80 Nihilism Annihilated, 205 Nthilism next the 255 Noble Offer 4 117 No ate A Affair, 81 Not Too Late Yot, 204 Rh Ge Re Sne Time (4), 117 13 Nursery Ops ton toa Skylark a to the Misnce Ketchwayo, 101 id Boota, oa Se oy Ng a New Face (Aa), 57 Again > Omnibus Paul and Fres, 208 On Board H.M.8, “O ition,” 227 On Dita, on the Best ae 177 One Way of - laa One Word, 108 On the Newest Bossna, 228 Only a Donkey, 229 Only a Penny a-piece ! 22 | Only True Tories (The), 71 | *O. yp Row at the Haymarket (An), 61 Order of the Night, 297 “0 sf sic Omnes |” 96 Our New rw ag ae “ Our Opening Da yd Repousemiation’ ail Ab Abroad, 277 ee ur oe os , 21, 128, or Our Sundeg—fhows East), 265 Outcry on Opium, 284 Out of the Lion's Mouth, 25 PARLIAMENTARY Maxims Sos Meath, 100 Past Prayiog for, 73 Man and the Perambulator (The), 805 Patriot's Appeal (A), —— ae for Belonce (A), 196 — seenet Soe v. Pothouse, 105 purses, 253 Pie and the Plum (The), 234 Phoobus and Cynthia, 41 | A ae of Parrots —s Poisoning by Patent, 34 Poltleal These Pit Ay ve wasted! Man aoa and "No Toke {4 70 Pres’ yy omewry eae vate and Confiden Protetonal Attention (A), 298 Professor Read ‘s Next L 72 Fronts tna opens

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PUNCH, OR _THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Juny 3, 1880, Questions to be Asked, 41 Quite Superfinous, 161 Guite the Reverse. +10 | © vite the Right Thing, 65 Qu oth the Basuto, 253 | Kace ip the Dork (A), 129 | Rether too Kind, 18% | Reven (The), 9 Re - Page from an Autocrat’s Diary (A), Re al Reason Why (The), 17 Heason in Beer, 103 Rewons for Voting Blue, 187 - eee for Kadicale, 225 vd fa Bilver Wedding, 108 - egulations tor Valentines, 72 idle of the Spbinz 122 Kigbt Man io the at Last Ibe), «28 Ri-ing Bufto (The) 42 HKiving Geoer»tiuon 154 Rituahet Revel (A), Rock Abead, and the Bock Under-foot (The), 257 Re ough Ni ites from a Diary, $82 yal Academy Guide, 221, 240, 941 i“ ide Awakening (A), il BApBATARLAw Savages at “their Cus- tun,” 22 Ba. rifice to Mor , 85 Safeynarding the Emr re, 49 S«wbbaterianism at Dundee, 134 beece from “ As You Lite It,” 126 Schools and School masters, 24 Screntific and Spifting, 81 & lizer and Saletre, 157 Shade of Swift 1 84 * Bic transit gloria Mundi !” 228 * Bic Vos nom Vobis,” ee Sign and a Warning (A), 160 Sir Heory's Oboler up at Last | ‘a Sir Leuneslot and 8a ra Sir Quille’s Sabbathe Sir powlend Hill and Meertel, 26 Smelliog a Rat, 170 Sum ke from the Studies, 167 Speech and Bubstarce, 180 Sp-eches to be Puuybt shy of, 06 boldier and Suit, 258 Soll qny on Sebeot , 102 Solvitur Ambulando, 1 Some Signs of the Revival of the Drama, 85 Something like a Sensation Heading, 71 Song of St. Aiban's (A), 40 Sony of the Bpringtide, 238 Stage in Kxeelsis (The), 65 Sromech for them «ll 1” 168 Strswe from St. Stephen's. 865 Study for Fosry © Seer Ge. Svaviter in Superfiucus see A), a Survival of the Fittest, 265 Sweet Girl Graduates, 122, 158 Sword and Pistel” in ag 178 Teacutno by Examples, 227 Ter rrore of the Themes, 18 That 's the Way the Liner goes,” 265 Then aa Now, 301 “They Order these things better in Frenee,” 118 Three Model Candidates, 148 Tigbtness without Tippie, 5 Tight v. Loose, 8: To Anesthesia, &e., 251 To Guard our Flocks. 108 To Ladies who Paint Themselves, 801 Touchi g Thrift, 45 Transatlantic Marvels, 12 Triumph ef Cowen (The), 77 lrnumph of King Fog (The), 156 Trouble at the Tower, 201 | True #01 (a), 118 True Standa:d and the Sham 0, 160 Truti.s not Generally i. ate Twm Serews: Too Loose too Tight, 229 Two Christenings, 94 Two Gar devers (The), 288 | Twe Bessie Adve tisements, 12 Twe moe (The), 193 UeLy "te trom the Transvaal (An), 76 -Classical Conetrues, 4 Uncle Sam's to One Tune, 70 Uvparochia] Parties, 120 Uv precedevted attraction, 6 Uuseasopable Muunificence, 59 Up at 8t. Stephen'’s—Down at Hughen- den, 218 . enews by Alexander Selkirk, Beq., 10 ery Uld Master (A), 205 Wanted, a Child, 276 | Wented, rig = 2 og Werving for What is expected cctet ofthe New Ministry, 216 What will be do? 178 Which is it? 157 Which Nobody can Deny, 160 Whives from the Wood, 165 Who'd bave thought of seeing bim ? 48 Wide of the Mark, »02 Wire's Warning Pee). 1 Wink of the Ayes aod the Tipo the Noes, Wiring into the Cape, 5 Wirtler’s Wote The), 83 Wowan’s New Walk, 30 o Boastly * Painting (A), 201 Billy ®ca'chard's Reminiscences, 99 Hismarck’- Uveriowled Donkey. 50 Black Eve and its Penalty (A), 73 "Bug Conduccor declining a Tract, 278 "Bue Yriver and the Fureigners, 119 Captain and the Skating Lidy (The), 58 Cartain Lovelace and the Ladi-s, 282 Captain's Maa and the Capteia’s Clothes (The), 96 Chu: oo Buttress pate Pillar (A), 34 Wood and Water, 60, 128 City Gent end the 6, 148 Word for te Wi bids Clerk vr deglines ap O der, 136 Word with Polish Woman (A), 29 | Club- er Five-pound Note, 208 ga **Cock of the " for Constautiauple, 7 Place (The), 219 mye b Two Lions, 23 Goabis Beeee on ~s's 49 ay aioe dake Lt 184 Sears ant biog 195 D ning with Distinguis sank tr bicbiog (A), 18 Ha Mag Ho 8e, Garnet reeiey. 95 Rus-el: Buse ot oer. Petard (The), 84 | Deal Me Paper (A), 134 Gating bie Money's worth, 310 E4 win Sells his First Picture, 243 Bffect of a Green Wrea'b Mludurated, 102 BE Terding about Tad pol Byotstical Amateur Voualiet (A), 162 E'd iy Swell ad his Boots (An), 277 ns Effect on Curriage-horses, Biclish Chureh Diguitary at a French | Bookseller’s, 154 Farmers of 1839 and 1879, 118 Favourite B and (A), 714 Flarmuingo’s Water Dance (The), 802 F gg-d-out Painters (The), 75 | Footwomen, for the London Season, 35 | Franve-Maker at the Acad- my (A) 287 geen], Spienens Ty pee Pe oe af Moan tah a, faaet 186, 187 Uneasy Bedfellows, 31 “Vi 17 1% “ Will it Burst?” Young Hopeful, 7 Free-Kirk Lady's objection to an Organ, sh, 129 “a French Nurse who “peaks no Engl ence (A), 67 | Gertever's Description of Impui 75 Gardener's Opinion on Hedge-entting. 227 Gladstone at the amen nquet, 206 Gladstone the Giant-killer, 774 SMALL ENGRAVINGS. Glaistone the old somes 25) A Villager’s Old Bonnet (An), 217 Gran ‘papa’s Energy oe aod an Becta tout (An), 268 Hat dsome Peopte and Clever ie, 190 Awateur Art-Oritic (Tbe). 1 Hard Drinkers on a Clyde Steam: ¥, 120 April Bhower of Decorations {rne), 194 Hares ard Rabbits Bill Snake, 279 orders a Bottle of Z15 | Harmless MP. (A), 161 antl Tailors Fisttery (An), ia High-Chareb Jackdaw (The, 38 Asking and ym kw a — Meetivug — Challenging the At the Top of the | Obair Awful Result of of an Injudicious Mervinge, | = good enough for Canvassing (A), 1” walking on ite Hind ow. es | on: eraid and Missus's Bracelet, 216 Rechslor Doctor anz | How Mangles Voted, 178 Bagpiper of Midlothian | How Pat would wish to be Murdered, 141 bour Rest, Evening (Male) Dress for Ladies, 166 s Ly + Lendl 1” 54, 55 Pacetious Drover and Little Binks, 111 Old ‘Sous, $71 5 = Fair Authoress who loatbes Clildren, 10 ow ‘See carried his Bat and Stumps, sole Snake-Charmers (The), 106 Invalid’s Nurse and tle Adverb, 27 [-i-b aud German Disputants, 25 Irish Carman'’s Whiskey-and-Water, 15 irish Critic Laterviewed (An), 301 Jock drinking Sea- Water. J «mess Walk with tne Dog, 122 Jones and his s Wife’ 's Jersey. 251 —- and R at the Duchess’s, 25 Juvenfle Fancy Dress Party (A), 74 K.og Fog a d the Boat-race, 155 Koxvina of Hearts (The). 179 L-dies hailing aa Omnibus. 47 Smokiug laee entering a Compartment, d ylosehete de Brabazon, 229 toes Yes Basenes (The). 142 Line Soryrant ‘s Comment Militia Ones. v ment on Livkboy Punch and Dizzy in a Fog, 62 L ving on Faith, Hope, aud — 124 London and Country Cousins, 157 Lord Cadbury's Comic Song, 198 Lora Derby ct of “ British Commerce,” 13 Love-a way (A), 254 “Man Overnoard ! ’ 270 Master Gerold ana his French Nurse, 4 Maudie’s M-del and Studio Visitors, 182 Maud’ Compliment to her Pretty Mamma, 150 Merlin and the Girl-Graduate, 1’ 8 Midas Junior at Stilton H mse, 303 Modern Mazeppa (The), 45 | — dance round St, Mark's, 2 Mother-in-law objgots cts to T 293 Mrs. J libois in Three A Mra. P. de T m« arrago, 239 Mrs. Smart ard Bashfui Youth ® Te °70 Mrs. Sopely Flattering Sparks, sa Mrs. T.'s Scotch aunt and the Dachess, 40 Mutual Admiration'sts (The), 234 New Medal for a New Knight (A), 11 New Sleeve, fur veer (Tbe), 210 N-w Turveock (The) 11¢ Noble Bre: der and bis Prize Bull, 126 Object pg to santwich bis Principles 148 Ole Gent ad Tipsy Stranger in Fog 70 Old + Somme aud little Donkey-rider, ov Lady who could not digest Gravel, 131 Oli Woman who lived in « Shoe. F On Board H.M.8. “ Opposition,” Orange Curtains and the Blue ator 88 Pariour-Msid who was like Missus, 252 Paterfamilias’s Breakfast Tab'e, 183 Peculiar y of Bohs 4 Eogs. 97 yt ife’s Wuxlight Head- Posse ee A on the'r again, 172 Pileox’s 8 ~ Gron Folitical and buy 26 Pret-C-~ u exercising Naval Brigade, 5 Pret-O-ptaly Irish Relief 159 Result of Opening Railway-carriage Doors, 213 Rustic Tollkeeper and Tandem, 123 sc enrifi: Gent and Ghostly Footsteps, 88 Seanoh Wife and tne Binocular 3 Yir Gorgius M das and his wt 59 Sir Gorgius Midas desires a P- 2:2 Sketch of a Lacy Professional V. 67 Small Occupant of a Lange Coats, 61 Srnith’s Fainting Ruse, Swithsn's Girls at 218 Saippe and the Duke’s “ "6 Sporung Hen 06 0 Lowers » 266 Stage-Co.ch in a Fog, Stalwart Athlete and Fair Wrangler, 171 Stout Gent —4 — his ww 2 Thoropsun’s re ply to ity Dam Three Portraits Ay rene oo ba, Robin- aon, 138 Foes Tan it Tack rhe ‘i Times Yacht Tackix Timid Ses-P. Fnse Gie, 291 Tipsy Bailie addressing Scholars, 107 Tipsy T:am-Car Parse: ger (4). 242 T. deson +pesking to a poet 3 267 Torped» or Guavery Bearas. Tr-myp and the Gardener Che). 281 Two Uramatists (The), 299 a pe against guiug aS Juvenile Party, Waiter (Gladstone) and the Penny (The), Weather and the Widower’s Wives (The), whe Tex on D y Tommy a, bow Yank i the Wax-work, Young Buntes ond “Jamping Powder,” “LONDON: BRADBURY, Aovew, & 00., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARE.

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