Punch 1879: Vol 77

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LONDON : PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 1879.

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LONDON! AGNEW, & ©O., PRINTERS, WHIT EFRIARS,

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Jaxvary 3, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. | Wl li Ne | PUNCH HRIS I HAD been reading Atpnonse Davupet's Rois en Evil. | I had laid down the book, heavy of heart, and no wonder, from its powerful pictures of effete Kingship and Queen. | ship, heroic, but heart-broken in the hopeless struggle with crowned cowardice, effeminate profligacy, and Paris-pampered lust. Methought, had the Author wanted materials for a second series, here is my Lorp Beaconsrretp busy in piling them up for him. 'Tis true the Kings he is dethroning are black or brown, and more or less barbaric. But what capital food for the satirist in the contact with European civilisation of Cxtzwayo and Sxcoces1, Yaxoosn Kuan and Ismau. Pasna,—and | those who may yet be added to their number, if rope for adventures is still to be allowed the adventurous. | As I tried to set the tale of discrowned monarchs and desperate strife of Christian with Heathen to the tune of the Christmas bells, methought I was suddenly rapt—if in the spirit of my own blue-fiery bowl I know not—to the foot of | my own Christmas-Tree ! Dazzling were the lights that sparkled among its leaves as I stood full in their splendour, presiding over the distribu- tion of the fruit of Wit and Wisdom from its well-laden boughs. Poxcs, like the Porr, appeals, “ Urbi et Orbi,”"—to a public numerous and dense as the population of London, and wide-reaching as the World ! But it was the dim, discrowned Kings I chiefly kept my eye on. They were numerous, and new ones kept coming in every minute, thanks to our imperium in imperio, et extra imperium. Their wives, I was glad to see, had as a rule stuck to the poor potentates in their downfall. Czrewayro, above all, was blessed with a numerous train of Kaffir Venuses. His prayer, when made prisoner, had not been, like Asax’s, for “ more light,” but for “more wives.” His better-halves, or rather twentieth-parts, for they ran to scores, had followed him to Puxcn’s Christmas-Tree. The light was reflected from their rounded forms as from life-size Florentine bronzes, with more dazzling effect than | could be matched in any West-End ball-room—the dresses being less in the way, and the colouring at once warmer and | | more au naturel. More chary of their charms, but not less faithful to their Lord in exile, were the harems of Yaxoos Kaan and Ismart | Pasua. But I am bound to say that the yashmaks of the Egyptian beauties were anything but opaque, and that in this _ respect the charmers of Cabul showed themselves less civilised than the belles of Cairo.

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iv PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jasvary 3, 1880. But it was time to dismantle the tree, and appropriate its fruits. “ Precedence to Monarchs,” I exclaimed, “ even dethroned ones! ” Cerewaro stepped forward first in answer to my summons. “ Assegais?” he exclaimed, eagerly, as he put forth his hand. “On the contrary. Spades and hoes, for the culture of mealies, instead of spears for the destruction of men.” The ex-Monarch of Zulu-land frowned as he took the peaceful gift, and turned away in deep disgust. “ And for me?” wheezed Ismatt, ex-Khedive of Egypt, as he elbowed his way with scant courtesy to the front rank. “ A donkey-driver’s saddle and whip— instead of the Pasha’s divan-cushions and the kourbash you have made so bad a use of. See that you treat your donkeys better than you did your Fellaheen!” I do not understand Arabic, but I have no reason to believe, from the expression of the old fellow’s face, that the language with which he received my gift and my recommendation was in the nature of a benediction. For Yaxoon, ex-Ameer of Afghanistan, I found it difficult to choose an appropriate Christmas gift. But remembering | his reported saying that he would rather be a grass-cutter in the English camp than a ruler on the throne of Afghanistan, | thought I would not be fer out if [ presented him with a grass-cutter’s knife and rope. He took them with a sigh and a selaam, and sorrowfully shrunk back to his obscure corner, amidst the scowls of his harem, who did not seem quite so reconciled to abdication as their Lord and Master. “ But these,” I said, “ oh, ye downfallen Princes, are but the first-fruits off Puncn’s Christmas-Tree. He has another and a more precious gift—rife with blessings of witty counsel and wise warning, of sweetness and light,—not to you only, but to those who have wrought your downfall—to Princes and Peoples, to Pope and Czar, to King and Kaiser, to Chancellor | and Minister, to General and Private, to Agitators and Agitated, to Gentle and Simple, to Rich and Poor, to Masters and Workmen,—in a word, to ati!” So saying, I tossed into the forest of outstretched hands my Sebentp-Sebenth Volume, THE CHRISTMAS GIFT OF THE WORLD!!

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Jury 12, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL While he, a wall of shelter,”tower of strength, , ) fre Stood full against the storm, and to him drew Bohn Lairs Mair, ord Patorence, NM let ae ey eae Our armour’s weakestjpart its strongest grew : BORN, MARCH 4, 1811. DIED, JUNE 27, 1879, For there stood Lawnence, with his calm, clear eye, a e His iron will, wise ag ere ars ear, Nort in the far-off church, where his grey head Nor prone to trust, nor tful to defy, He bowed in worship, should that head be laid ; As high above all favour as all fear. His place, of right, is with our famous dead, That England’s Empire from that furnace came o sleep within the Abbey’s storied shade. Unshattered thanks to this man most are due ; There let him sleep, where they too are at rest, And we een be eaten © oe — ——- Who helped him stay our empire when it reeled— ; : : , CrypE, Potnock, Ovrkam—kings of men confest, wes gauging India’s and her foemen’s power He chief in council as these chief in field. rom the Great Mountaits to the Southern Blue, : He would not join the clamour of the hour, Vesew him, grave and grey Sp Seneeees, ean, Nor, to ’scape fancied risks, run danger true, vi something ru : Tace an r “) so inempeshinn strength 4 on Swit, nor slow to learn ; Burdens on India’s poverty to lay, Tn dhales of men of oh unerring aim ; That shadowy frontier shadowy foes may ward ; ices And, for dim fears and distant, waste away Just, and in justice armed, nor fearing, then, Strength that wise rule and justice best can guard. my hat chance or change might bring, as ene that knew Lay him with the Great Dead, who, living, held That what i, began tn right is half how ht through High place with the best Living ; let him sleep gut trough. After his life of toil, who heart unquelled In his proconsulships, from small to great, Unspoiled, unsoured, unspotted, still could keep. He held his name, knowing *twas England’s too, A simple-mannered, rude and ed man, Bo en and stainless, he to love turned hate But true, and wise, and merci aii and just. made of sullen foemen followers true. Of all these monuments, when all we scan ight manhood’s heart he won, where’er he came, Which rises o’er more justly honoured dust ? Btill taking Truth and Justice forkis aim an ce for his aim, Unswayed by pride, or profit, or men’s praise : In the Event of a Dissolution. sa)? : ‘*The Members of the Huddersfield Working-Men’s Conservative Associa- wey me te el oP yy presented Lord Braconsrigip with a Malacea cme, with > d Like a great city in an earthquake’s power . One : s F ; ’ : prospect this Malacca cane awnits— Pr ay wig tl — . It may prove useful in Malacca Straits! uttering ear rear of hi strong wi ’ aad, eigeted of te power te a. Tae Rienr Sricx.—Now Protecti h cri its power to work us ill, He Rient Srick.—Now ion is rearing its head again Dethed Wereltinn erouched before him, cowed. good use for the Cobden Club would be to floor it, ceil VOL. LXXVII. B

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HEN Lord GRANVILLE (Monday, June 31) had gracefully u the House of Lords’ regret for | stage—e Lord Lawrence, Lord Beaconsrretp said that Lord Lawrence’s services had been eminent, and would be honoured and remembered. A grave im Westminster Abbey had been offered, and accepted by his representatives, but not paid for by the nation. 7 _ The Queen in Council has decided to grant a Charter to a Northern University, to be called by her name, and to have Owen’s College for anucleus. Let Oxford and Cambridgelookout .... As the North has beaten the East in cottons, and the West in woollens, it may yet outsoar Isis in the as of letters, and outpace Cam --reverend Sire—in his footing slow upon the road of Science. The Lord Cuanceior rose to propound the Government University , ms another turnpike on the road to learning, but does not provide the needful to pay the tolls. © wonder a meeting of Irish Members has already “declared it unworthy the acceptance of the Irish people. How can a Bill be worth aceepting with ‘‘ no effects” written it, on presenta- Bill. It omits the one thing needful—money. It o , across tion? It is doomed in the hour of its birth—in all probability will [Jury 12, 1879. —_ aT \ \ \\\, YY \ \ > ory aa o — Cae a ai = \ \) w= “ FALLEN - LEAVES” hardly see Second Reading, unless somebody ‘‘ puts money into it.” Who will venture ? Lord Beaconsrieip, with that admirable command of counten- ance which lifts him so high above all competitors on the comic ‘ven now with the admirable artists of the Comédie Francaise in the lists against him—said that it was the intention of Her Majesty’s Government, if possible, to pass the Bill this Session. (Commons.)—Questions. Colonel Stantey said a cat with nine tails had been solemnly sealed, and would be let out of the bag for any Honourable Member at the Horse Guards, in the War Office. If any unwonted sounds of sport or anguish are heard near either office, rs-by and dwellers in the neighbourhood will know that it is Honourable Members sitting in judgment on the harmless, a er 9 perchance trying it, or having it tried, on Government in its recognition is like Jonw Grrr in his pleasure— * Although on honour it is bent, It has a frugal mind.”’ There is no precedent for burying Lord Lawrence at the public So But his family are weleoome to bury him in Westminster Abbey at their own. Official England will open the National Val- halla to those who wish to do a great man honour, but they will be expected to pay at thedoor. For shame, my Lord BeaconsFretp!

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| Jour 12, 1879.] THE LONDON CHARIVARI. .PUNCH, OR aq 4 “ie iM Ni t Bin - i 4 , ee Bs WAR WW) IRE, WOT ap wt, nt ee, af \ 2 SF yf mtg NOM LA CHASSE AUX LIONS. Mrs, P de Tomkyns (bursting into her husband's smoking-room), ‘ Pomsonsy ! WRITE IMMEDIATELY // 11 Mr. Ponsonby de Tomkyns. ‘‘Wuat 18 1r wow, mY Love?” Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns. ‘‘ Wuy, Mowstzur pg PARIS 18 COMING OVER WITH HIS FAMILY TO VIsIT ENGLAND. SEOURE THEM FOR THURSDAY WEEK. WE SHALL HAVE CrowDs—ALL Lowpon!” Mr. Ponsonby de Tomkyns. ‘My Love, His Roya HiGHNESS WILL NEVER COME TO THE LIKES OF Us/” Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns. ‘‘You Goose! It’s not THe Comrz pg Paris! It’s Mowsigur DE Paris, AS THEY CALL HIM— THE PUBLIC ExgCcUTIONER, YoU KNOW. Do as I TELL you!” [Ponsonby did as he was told, All London came to Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns’s Thursday Afternoon—but Monsieur de Paris pipy't. He took his Wife and Children to Madame Tussaud’s instead, to see the Guillotine! Faithless Monsieur de Paris!! Poor Mrs. P. 1.111 Quick !] Pen, Ink, AND PareRr!! !—anp WRITE AND Army Regulation and Discipline actually made way from Clauses bungling, which would be quite in keeping with other feats of Indian 83 to 121, in spite of the determined efforts of Messrs. PaknELt and | finance. O’DonNELL to put spokes—and spokes—and spokes—in its wheels. Mr. Hvpsarp said the Government had made a fair bargain ; so Tuesday (Lords).—Lord Stax Hore moved a Bill to authorise the thought Sir H. Pzxx and Mr. FresurreLp, who ought both to know. Sani Authorities to establish denominational burial-grounds ; But Sir G. Campnece and Mr. Ratnpone, who ought both to know but with no provision maeting Be demand for leave to bury in paro- 00, agreed with Mr. Fawcrrr. . ; , ; chial burial-grounds with such religious services as aredemanded by| Mr. Stannore said the terms were Council-countersigned twice resentatives of the dead. | over—by the Indian Council here and the Indian Council there, and Lord GRANVILLE , and pointed out that this was a step | by Committees of both Councils besides. The Indian Government back from the Government concessions of 1877. But their Lordships | flattered itself it had got the line for 30 per cent. under its value. voted for Second Reading by 116 to 65. The Bill will do nothing | Lord G. Hammon said the Government could not have made a to settle a vexed question, which has established itself where vexed better bargain. Mr. Courtney that the value of both capital uestions should not come in ‘God’s acre” . . . . the Friedhof—the stock and annuity had been extravagantly computed. In the end, of Peace. the Government agreed to Mr. Fawcett’s Resolution, which is very In answer to Lord Tavuro’s question if the Prince Impertat had | much like saying to the Office, ‘* Don’t do it again.” been himself in command of reconnoitring party with whom he| It seems as if the shareholders had had dociiediy the best of y. met his death, Lord Bury said it was impossible: not holding a com- | the bargain, and the Indian T. just as decidedly the worst. mission in the Queen’s service, he could not have held a command. | Of course we are most of us lers on this side of the waver, and rather chuckle over the bargain than otherwise. Besides, But impossibilities will sometimes cm pry And if the Prince was not in command, what are we to of the conduct of the officer doesn’t everybody do the Government in a business of this kind ? was—and whose name we do not rint, as it suggests an ob- Mr. Vivian complained of the want of more vious joke, which, if he be what we hope he is, must cause bitter and, let =o bes undeserved pain both to him and his friends ? (Commons.)— Morning Sitting.—Has Government paid too much commutation for the East Indian Railways? Has it transferred, in fact, £3,000,000 out of the Indian Treasury into the shareholders’ poe: more than they had any right to ? Mr. Fawcerr’s figures seem to In the Evening “>! provision for Higher E | that it was the duty of Government to | the want. ‘ |. Tarry, accor |in the way of If Wales were treated out this stroke of financial | or £10,000, where now ucation in Wales, and moved a resolution local efforts to supply to Mr. Vrvian’s showing, is decidedly ill-used p for higher education out of the public purse. like Ireland and Scotland she would get £8000 she gets nothing. ——

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Ne 4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Jury 12, 1879. Mr. Vivian ore Welsh. Wales and the Welsh Welsh, and spoke up "like a stout Cymry for all things Cymric, language, pd ‘ter, orderliness in peace, elestes | in war. 8 Mr. Giapsrowe said the Welsh Members had a right to what they asked for. The difficulty ee » say .. they do ask for—a subsidy for their own stwith College ; a new University, eee Endowments B on lord ? After Wales had its claims by the Cymric mouths of Messrs. Moneas and Liorp, Lord G. Hamitron recommend Wales to wait and agree as to what it wanted. Mr. Viva said he would press his Motion. The Caanceccor of the Excaequer said he had better not. But he did, and was defeated by nearly two to one :— “ Tarey is a Welshman, ’tis Tarry’s greatest grief, That though he loveth learning, as Joun Butt loveth beef, Joun won't spend on Tarry’s teaching half what Joun spends on his own; And, for books when Tarry hungers, Joun denies him e’en a a 7 Wednesday.—Mr, SULLIVAN, amidst wonderful ity, got a Second Reading of his Bill for or pectieiting i sale of vat sine before they had been a year in bond. ik it is oe aon spiri the’ rially diabolie y cisbalie clement the the Bill, asa ‘step in the right a irit-drinkers ILFRID LAWsOs su Punch is sorry it cannot report its own progress in good sense, good temper, and good behaviour. Friday (Lords).—King Cerewaro and Mr. Lgomanp Epuunps divided the Sitting between them. (Commons.)—The old fight, which old men had flattered them- selves was fought out ss years ago, is be begun again. The books of the Anti-Corn-Law are going to be overhauled ; Apam Sarru may shake in nf Pi) the bones . BDEN may stir in his grave. Protection, by its buapuim, pra a Royal Commission to inquire into the uses of A ression, and how far they have been caused or can gisla- tion. Itisa pw Beas conclusion o enyeral of the most inent of last night’s speakers—the mover ‘ir. MclIvgr, and Mr. TINCK— that the Legislature can and ought to in ,» byt the good of the 0 land—in other terms, of the a But but his can easily adjust themselves to altered ¢i t if rents are to be kept up, consumers must put their pockets. Other not less prominent of last ete s oreo 8 as Mr. ssEy, the ODepesnre, Air, Brient, and yy ee are equally Legislation can do nothing is e cour stand clear “ it; that the depressed state of if ane natural causes, and that it must look to natural laws for Punch stands apart, judicially-minded, os as or, mt ad- vised, a confirmed and convinced Free- ‘Trader ‘al two direction, Only for ** year he would have liked to read and two make four; that nobody gives an hing = ewe in ao Une itsHv tond |g n'y abr sty Se aa es 7 the for su undance 0 an uced in The adiend and Tenant Bill for extending the mption of yo gt hile she ie e wherewithal to exchengr | ag that Ulster t Right all over aad general y giving a lift Free in this country, irrespective. of others has done, and is to the Tenant and @ taking down Landlord wherever ible, Ly to help the exchange of what we what other was sharply criticised b mi ar from the family p—— bd WS that the man who fights and with both soligiter’s point of view ft eS EL of jus- free, an edvan over him who one arm tice, and talked out by Mr. Gounne? and ey-General wan peed him, Punch does not as yet see his way to any other between them Thursday Le wds).—In answer to Lord E the Lorp CHANCELLOR said the Government in pentions 98 Fh University Edueation were bounded ‘‘ by the Bill, the whale and nothing but the Bill”’ he had just introduced. Lord BRaconsFigLD assured a on Onaymore that ent amd yok] to 4 » = Ey might rely’ if . or his friends thou re on respectful con- sideration. whe That t e Tesh Members Golaplain of | is that there is no consideration for conpenting the Bill—no consideration, t.¢e., in L. 8. D., which is what they want. It is news even to Punch, as he hereby confesses, that the many- sided activity of South Kensington embraces examinations in Agriculture, as well as in Cookery—examinations which have been passed by above two thousand successful candidates ; more than two- thirds of them Scotch and Irish ; that there is a class ‘of fifty teachers, whose expenses at South Kensington are now being paid, that they may attend a course of lectures on the principles of Agriculture. Teaching the wy of Agriculture an dl BT at the plough- tail ! hat would our grandfathers have sai Commons.—Mr. ANDERSON extracted a nice little 6 oe from Mr. W. H. Surrm about 1200 tons of Dutch hay which the Govern- ment bought at £5 15s. per ton, k till it was iled, and then sold at 34s. a ton. How would Mr. Sarru like to do on that system ° Committee on Army Discipline Bill. Mr. Parwett again in his favourite role of Amender-General—Mr. O’DownELL seconding. Mr. Catan, while on punishments, described certain Cats he had seen at the Admiralty—one a Sea-C at—of aver objectionable nature. Mr. Parwe tt referring to the “‘ Marine Cat, _ SmrrH said there was no Marine Cat distinct from the ordinary Sea Cat. What was sauce for Jack was sauce for Jolly. Up jumped Mr. CALLAN, and declared that neither First Land Lord nor First Sea Lord knew anything about Sea-Cats. He had discovered the bay Cat, but the Sea-Cat was still hid away in the Admiralty bag nothing would draw it. ‘The First Lord was bound to produce the Sea- Cat; and unle ss he had the decency to do so, he Coal they would go on dividing.” Here came a diversion. Mr. Brogan, being pulled up on an allu- sion to “ honourable or dishonourable gentlemen,” he had said ** Gentlemen,” not ‘* Members.” After this little discussion the House returned to the chace of the Sea-Cat. Was there a Sea-Cat conformable to sealed pattern, or was there not’ This raised a tremendous row. Enough to worry even a Sea-Cat out of its nine lives, if not its nine tails. Mr. O'Connor Powsr said it should be a case of “ produce the Cat, or stop the Bill.” Mr. O’Donwett believed 500,000 Londoners would assemble in Hyde Park, to demand the production of the Cat. The Cuancettor of the Excuxqver moved to take down some- thing—whether Mr. Powsr’s threat or Mr. O’DownELt’s was not clear, and did not get settled in the confused squabble which was ke vt up till the House reported progress. that which he arrived wt thirty years ago, that Free Trade is is ‘the free countries and free men, and that Hapland should nt recognise the truth of this, this is no reason not. us to see all the old fallacies, the brains of whieh Punch thought ‘had b been knocked out when he was a up as lively as ever. Time was that ‘* "when were out, e man would die.” It has not been so evidently with the British Protectionist. Let Lesser Ben rat. Big Ben’s motto is, ‘‘ As you were!” WHAT WILL HE DO WITH ITP Wirt he send it as loan exhibition to the South Kensington Mill he if h t Mr. Grapstons to accept it ? e see if he can get Mr. Gta Will he let it ont, at oe night (for the benefit of the ‘* working- man ”’) to the Fairy ‘Queen in by 4 rey —— Garden Pantomime, a the Shatuse of 0h ropriate topical song Bu he (at a fomilf os ering) consult any of his uncles as to its v Will he try to dispose of it, at an advance if he at a reduc- tion if he must, as a crown to the Prince of B Will he (always for the benefit of the “ by means of an Art-Union of 1000 lots at 10s. a lot -man ”’) raffle it

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*(Annruenwuo02) LVI wey TarTrTyy |

naeoscwse~eenr ne x «OST S 797 AA PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jvty 12. 18 9, ROYAL ACADEMY CANVAS-BACKS ; OR, A HIGH (ART) TIDE. <i a"

Octal ii a

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(Z Ib) ) MV. i) | ar fay ye ‘ — 4, aA Wry Mii =— OF THE IRISH HORSE; OR, NOT CAUGHT YET. Pat (confidentially). ‘‘THRY IM WID THE GOOLDEN GRAIN, YER HONOR-R!”

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| Jury 1%, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARL. Mea he give Lord B. another chance—for the last time of askin, wil he Sad out if the Directors of the Crystal Palace can suggest m~} to it ? a can ne san plese i, satisfactory terms, in the ts anything af the sort ? me it Will he attempt ‘he Ri mee pitt t CHELM D Will ee eats se : for i in the Variety Programme Aquarium cheap to Mile. Saran Begwwanor’s transatlantic wire Mr. y And ihe tr ra all the Pennies and keep it himself, to makes his last appeal to an ungrate teful country at fe ‘on mutual principles.” AD MISERICORDIAM, Waar will you de for A July ? May was PI ; ld do Raita her eye } “seats owen, Pas om nd us have _— eae get flowers, some “Wron't you now, dear J aE: =, blown | Water « have ang mow! our tone! oe ve , onl ome hat ‘s ier on om sates a onc Saint ’s at hand, ! we dread dep as aoall ee Te the land, t him off ! EXAMINATION-PAPER FOR cn EDUCATION (Fo be answered by Natives of the Principality.) won Rte tte thet ee E” whence, and Give a short life of his trial for eattle- | 22 in =, a Welsher—(a) wha fr lanl fn ha hip on St. David’s a Cymric prince, and show the traits is, and what it is not, and give your ee sap ie dig distin oa dee ve Dh estab hment of cee i Sloan for supposing that the vea of the h tpl aca _ "tm ve = “ ” her relationship cheese Bumper of ; hes and Give the oyerke a of ta ee told in English ish histories.” compared to “ ee Can you reconcile USTINE, as ie — that 4 re ar gy he | Seen lt nad have been Cymri, an as Angles. egend with probable race-theories Tae Enxotisn Home-Rvter.—The Lady of the House. 1) oa HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. Note.— For *AmsTEAD, ’AN- OVER SQUARE, "ANWELL, ‘AY- MARKET, &e,, see “3.” ARCHERY. —Prineipally practised at ’Ar- row -on -the-’ [ll (also vide * H’’) and at Stratford- le-Bow. Ask me to show Where is Strat- ford-le- Bow ? I reply, oh ! I’m sure I don’t know, Every visitor to La eels supply himself with bows, ar- rows, and a qui- ver of ’em, There are few better amuse- ments on a fine summer’s even- ing in London than to take a seat on the top of a threepenny *bus and shoot at old Gentle- men’s hats as they walk on the It is rather an expensive form of practising, as y lost, though, the omnibus stop suddenly, tt mil instant] returned, if the elderl the part o Jerumy . to your “ W nie t owner, re is also pynoe H he had from the upper windows of any house in * ARMOURER’S COMPANY.—An admirable institution, where residents, or where visitors to London, g to give nurses a holiday, can send their children-in-arms to be taken care of during the day. A motto over the _— the ancient one of ‘ Children rice ! ita AND NAVY CLU —Ohief Army members here are p, eperemendent of the urser ; on Comfort ond a Deivese a af raemsbene of thie sockeetion’ ie through through “ Vote by "8 CLUB.—One of the oldest Clubs in London, dati rat _Aeoys ov) He 0 ten ee ool know Sound 4 SS et om below, wren w but ashes are Some in our a y removed to the grate are NUM CLUDOn ATHENAUM CLUB.—One ef the liveliest places in the Metro- polis. No yisitors to London should miss at least one evening os Most of the Members are Archdeacons and Kishops ; and their perfect execution of Bishop’s glees every evening, from eleven P.M, digs 7 ng to be Dancing in the | front Hall from eig' © tn d ~ oe winter. Visitors are ad- mitted, free of ras are ut something into the box at - door on LF .. there is a Harmonic me $e a Colonial Bishop, in t over here on business, with the Senior he Cie the Inte i Colonial Bishop. Saturday is usuall or Eau-de- y is usually t; but their joyous Sunday ev during the ie als od aie gal tue te . a some ng wi the lor aftermton Boxing-class in held during the matches between the and shovel en Y"- ay Fig prises, are giv ie orter, or of Dean Stan ey, dressed in ap and iculars, in ive at the e cele lebrated African mhdy The At Club, as may be | the description here given, is “‘ The place to spend a awhy - day.” Open always, wet or fine, winter or summer. All | amusements under cover. Tue Last Worps or Jont.—Aprés moi le déluge.

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9 , 18 [In the "ighth of his ‘appiness, our 'Arry drops his 'Arf-Crowns as ‘andsome as a bloomin’ Lord. 12 FANCY FAIR.) AT THE We * Kia ; 7 « ~ aS Mo 4 oes ?ARRY OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty PUNCH EXTREMES MEET. a | 7 4 ° “ Q - Dm ) « s = as a ° = z = » [oo] % = > “ S é & ‘| z 4 ° = 9 “ ~_ mi - m > “ = 3 B * So a“ A | ¥ xs ° C4 Y . * ~ a - _ _— =) Zz =) “ a a z _ mn 4 x ia Ha.r-a-Crown, ww I BITE OFF THE END !" Fashionable Beauties. 4 SHILLING) 4-PIECE.

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[In the 'ighth of his ‘appiness, our 'Arry drops his 'Arf-Crowns as ‘andsome as a bloomin’ Lord, HALF-A-CROWN | "—"* FLOWER FOR YOUR BuTTon-gOLE, Hatr-a-Crown !"—“ My Carre DE Virsirr, Haur-a-Crowns |"—** Cigars — SOSRET COMB, SIR) UNLY SLALF-A-UROWN 1] —' DOX OF LOOTHPICKS, Hawr-a-Crown, tv I BITE OFF THE END !" ee Vorwrmeve Abie. 4 BHILLING) 4-PIECE. Jury 12, 1879.] WHY I WENT TO KILBURN. BEcAvsE my interest in Agriculture dates back to a very om | period in my life—the happy time when I was sent to a farm- house in the retired vi of Wisby-in- the- Willows ~ Mone to ‘nae, after an attack of whooping coug Because I wished to know a more of Kilburn, its society, scen charities, and educational institutions. Because having witnessed all kinds of es both at home and abroad of rank, auty, fashion, and 1 thought a “parade of British and foreign cattle” would be an agreeable change. Because, being somewhat of a pedestrian, rs occurred to me that it would redound to y credit to take a walk of eleven miles of ’ shedding. Because after an experience of tandems, at So prope and fours-in-hand, I jumped at the prospect of seeing some " hee-driy- in use, having friends in the Island of - rus, I wished to seize the opportunity nowing hd about the cheese of that fa favoured spo Because I thenght I should like to have a at the International Dairy, and the inte rnational Dairy-Maids. Soa I was desirous to see the Imple- ments on a fair proportion of their seven hundred stands, either ‘‘ at rest or in mo- tion ’—I was quite impartial, and without the slightest bias either way, except that the ‘‘ Haymakers” sounded alluringly rural, the “Steam Scarifier” moved me to a secret shudder, and, as an old Volunteer, the ‘Improved Drill” had for me an attrac- tion that could not be gainsaid. with the prospect of a General Election, “¢ felt S must make the acquaint- ance of the *‘ P reeds.’ Because, bene connected by family a with the honourable profession of the I was eager to have a glimpse of some, i least, of the 125 Judges. Because I felt a deep interest (this is all owing to the mud) in the Southdowns and be International Competition in Currant ly. _ I was led to expect that I should behold Lord BraconsrteLp as a Sweet Pea —in which expectation I was disappointed, for he turned out to be only a Chrysanthe- mum. Because it was represented to me a there would be an opportunity of havin my boots first dirtied, and then cleaned 4 an entirely new principle—without the in- tervention of blacking. pene I thought it would “ please the ” if I went. ealth cl. cousin, a Ww y agricul- turist, a py be Be advancing in years, and icularl partial to my second. at Conenter age four) come up ye e week with us, ay amon asked me to accompany him to the Great iW. Christmas and Midsummer. CHRISTMAS comes but once a year. Does it? It did, in time past, and so did the Cattle Show, coming just before Christmas. But now we have a Cattle Show held at Midsummer in weather which would have seasonable Christmas been - Py hand. Can Christmas this year a to ome pry wl: the first time, at by hy wu of harvest? Is that one of the te E to be ex the conjunction of Saturn and from ars? PUNCH, OR THE LONDON — CHARIVARL of att eae ee up NRT TTT i, — aula | Hy a ae ml (| mM il ail Mi wnt ‘Coz / / /, j j y, /, / Wf Uff | fl Li i "4 Mi)\) iil A ROUGH CALCULATION, Facelious Conductor. Well Earned, WuHatTeEvER we may think of the Comédie Frangaise, there is one thing it cannot show us This Lady is going to have her first benefit in London on She has already given London many a benefit in her exquisite Maria, Lilian Tew Men and Old Acres, Mabel Vane in Masks and Faces, andjother parts which we need not mention. Let London do its > ta in giving her something like a benefitin return, Punch —an actress like Erten Terry. Wednesday, July 9. erformances of Portia, Olivia, Ophelia, Queen Henrietta drinks her health in ‘a bumper ” HE MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED IT. Ir was not likely that poor TuRNERELLI’s wreath would be accepted. Lorp Bracons- FIELD has such a confirmed habit of kicking over the Tracys. CeTewAyo A Composer.—Hasn’t he sent in to the Camp at Tugela Overtures for Peace ? ** WILL TWO OR THREE GEN’ LEMEN GIT OUTSIDE TO OBLIGE A Lavr!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. LW = ——— _ ez ee THE DIVINE SARAH, (For whose sake we’ve all Gone Wrong.) First Critic (tat. 21). ‘‘ Beats Racnet motaow in OFG-prowAcE, HANGED IF SHE DON’T!” | Second Critic (ditto). “So I raisx, Own Mak! Ab ts L’Prrove- JAR 648 Licks MApEMOIsELLE Maks ALL To Fits!” THE WHOOP OF THE WHISKEY-DRINKER. “ Alcohol, purified from fusel oil, is ly harmless,’’— Pro Burrell, of Rotterdam, as quoted by Mr. 0! ulliwan, in the Toute Commons, a propos of the “ Spirits in Bond” Bill, Wuo-o-or! But that’s ote for Bir WitrRth’s teb! He a worritted world of its whiskey rob ? Pooh! Calling it poison is all pure flam— Says Professor Burret, of Rotterdam. It isn’t ‘‘ the efathur ” our peace would #poil, ’Tis that plaguy pestiferous fusel oil. Once get rid o’ that there ; no harm in a dram— Says Professor Burre.., of Rotterdam. Put in coffee or tea, fusel oil, says he, Will make a man tight, nay, produce D. 7. Who-o-op! That’s a smasher for teetotal sham, From Professor BurRELL, of Rotterdam. Keep the spirit in bond till a twelvemonth be past ? Faith, I do not mind that, so I get it at last. But to say the pure spirit does harm is a cram!— Says Professor BurRELL, of Rotterdam. Who-o-op! That Dutch Professor he settles em quite. And it’s I am a Dutchman if he’s not right. Pure whiskey is harmless and mild as a lamb— Says Professor Burke t, of Rotterdam. Who-o-op! it’s all my eye. I’ve a ‘‘ blend” from Skye, Which is one of the primest that cash can buy ; And I'll go and I'll drink, in an extra dram, To Professor BurRE 1, of Rotterdam ! [ Does so, and speedily finds himself in a sweet state of—shall we say “ fusel ol” ? [Juny 12, 1879. A KHEDIVE AT A REDUCTION! Mr. Puncn is delighted to find that the new Ruler of Egypt, although offered a Civil List of £150,000 a year, has refused to accept mote than one-third of that sum. This welcome moderation encou- rages the hope that economy will now be the order of the day on the banks of the Nile. Prince Tewrix has shown great self-denial in this matter, as the following aceount of “ personal expenditure ” will amply demonstrate. Mr. Punch publishes this interesting document pour encourager l'autre at Constantinople. Household Account of H.H. the Khedive for the week ending Saturday the ° £8. d. Tea, toast, and an egg . . 0 O Th 0 010 64 Monday.— Breakfast. Supply of Manilla Cheroots for the week ° New Fez for State occasions . 3 r ‘ New Suit (for ditto) as advertised Extra White Waistcoat . ° Dinner (Chop and Potatoes) ; Personal Attendant (at Dinner). 4 Oo — So ooo -—Somonwoocoooocr#a = — Tea and Bread and Butter. Egg with ditto . i ‘ Tuesday.—Breakfast . ‘ . é i State Banquet (twenty covers) . ° ° One dozen Champagne (the ‘‘ Imperial” brand Washing of White Necktie ‘ ’ A PR Wednesday.—Breakfast and Lunch . " i é é Personal Attendant at same . am é High Tea (with Liver and Bacon) Rahat Lakoum . ; . ‘ " $ Btaredey.—Hite of Orders, &c., for State reception. un . ‘ é ‘ é ‘ ‘ $ Cup of Tea. Soup for Supper. Bread read. ; ‘ ‘ ‘ Friduy.—Bread for fasting ‘ é A glassof Sherry . ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Séturday.—Chatwoman for Palace (half day) . ‘ ‘ Washing Bill for self and suite. A R ° Lunch to English and French Consul-Generals Wine for same . ‘ é R é ‘ ; Beet for same . ° . ‘ i > 3 Cigats for same . ‘ é é j ‘ Teaatidege . ; ‘ . 5 ‘ Extras. ‘ ‘ . ‘ gee ore Ooo os a -~ > a OAw ROK De OKHOCOOKRH RH SOD ooooowoococoococoocoo ooon Cee MY SCHEME, (As Sung with great Success by the L-d Ch-ne-lil-r.) “Ts the Bill to be part ofa scheme which it is not desirable at once to make known ?””— Bari Granville in the House of Lords, Arn—*‘ My Queen.” Way aa when were we driven to moot it ? Was it knocked off in an afternoon ? Will the Roman-Catholic Bishops hoot it ? Have we set it afloat too late —too soon ? Did we try it because we feared a flounder ? No matter. Since still we reign supreme, Admitting that nothing simpler, sounder, Have we ever turned out than, ‘‘ My Scheme, my Scheme! ” I will not say that it’s all-sufficing, For captious critics may find it tame ; I will not style its provisions enticing, Nay, more, I’ll grant that they ’re somewhat lame. But still, when they hint we’re near capsizing, And cur pasty ** split ” is the common theme, For a bit of superior tempertnes, There ’s nothing to touch, ‘‘ My Scheme, my Scheme! ” I own that a Bill should be pleasing, plastic, And make for the moment a decent show ; And you ask if this is at all “ elastic,”— And I answer, ‘* Wouldn’t you like to know ?” So with that, and the hint ‘‘ Catch a weasel sleeping!” Whatever may be your Party dream, Be sure that Office is still worth the keeping, Though it cost us such shifts as, “‘ My Scheme, my Scheme!” A CHANGE ror THE Worsz.—From Lord Beaconsrrexy’s head, to Tracy TURNERELLI's hands! £2 To Comansronpants.— The Bditor does not hold hinself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by @ stampe d and directed envelope whould be kept.

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Juny 19, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 13 CHARIVARI PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. ow, asks Lord OranmorE , July 7), is Trish . to prevented, and the want lied of sharper legal looking after the preserva- tion of this particular description of game. Now rents as well as lives are in danger, what, he asked, was Government going to do for the protection of both, or either ? The Duke of Ricumonp said they were consulting with the local authorities of Mayo, Galway, and Roscommon, where the Secret Societies were look- ing up, their open defiers being shot down, and the demoralising habit of pay- ing rents strenuously discouraged. The priests had, in A places, denounced these doctrines from the altar—following the example of the Roman-Catholic Archbishop of Tuam—a staunch insister, Punch is glad to hear, on the distine- tion of meum and tuum. But with a knot of Irish Obstructives setting the SPEAKER at defiance in the House, what chance is there of Irish constituencies obeying the law out of it ? (Commons.)—Latest news of Cerewayo’s peaceful advances, and Lord CHELMsFoRD’s warlike ditto. Lord Cuetmsrorp doesn’t much believe in the one, and Joun Buxt does not much believe in the other. It is a most musical campaign, what with Cerewayo’s overtures on one side, and the CHELMsrorD series of movements in A flat, preceded by the Ekowe fugue, on the other. The Banking Bill is not derelict. It is only aground. The Cuancettor of the Excnequen still hopes to get it afloat again. Sanguine man! Great Cat Show in St. Stephen’s, Four Cats exhibited in the Cloak Room— fine specimens of the “* Naval,” “‘ Marine,” ‘‘ Approved,”and “ Prison” breeds, dis ishable by the insertion, length, numbers, and knots, in their tails. Mr. Parnext much concerned about the labelling of the Cats. ~3 Smitn answered for the Naval Cats, that the labels had my Lords’ sanction. But this was not all the night was destined to hear of the Cats which of late have made so many nights hideous. _ When Colonel Stantey announced that the War Office had determined to limit the punishment of the lash to offences now punishable with death by the Articles of War, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN protested. He had understood on Saturday that the Secretary for War had p himself to do away with the Cat alto- gether. This Colonel Srantey denied, and a confused scrimmage of several hours followed over the questions, first, what Government had promised and meant, and next, what Government had better do—whether the War Secretary’s offer was a concession, or a mockery,—whether, when the Cat was confined to offences punishable with death, the obnoxious animal would not, in point of fact, have rather a |; run before. . In the course of this long and loose shindy, Mr. Cuameenrtary declaring his intention 5 Ee nee in his opposition unless the Secretary of War went as far as he understood him to go, the Marquis of Hartrneton was impell to disclaim all responsibility for the course taken by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN and his friends, which he said was injurious to the Liberal cause, and still more, to be | Roman-Catholic the dignity of Parliament, in which Punch entirely agrees. This brought up Mr. Cuampertarn, who referred to Lord Harrineton as ‘the late Leader of the Liberal Party’’—on which Mr. Fawcerr sharply lectured Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, and Sir Cuar.es Dike stoutly defended him. Ultimately, a Motion to sees progress was nega- tived by 250 to 36, which probably measures very fairly the strength of Mr, CHAMBERLAIN’S Intransigente fol- lowing with the Irish Obstructive element thrown in. Altogether, Punch wishes he could draw a curtain over the night’s records. Even if the banishment of the Cat from the Army and Navy be a consummation devoutly to be wished in the interests of humanity, as many Liberals think, for the credit and ularity of the Services, it is impossible to imagine a end forwarded in a more objectionable way, or one to redound to the damage of the Liberal Party. If the tactics of the Irish Obstructives are to be tolerated, ms uae will become tever may be said apenst the offhandedness and cy of a few Jacks in , the GUenmen fowsn; tp oushseh te ediatumeting heiele- ‘Connor Power, as no - a- tive assembly can tolerate. If be ngage Ly it, Easel kt tech Gated? r— Closed, for repairs bag | (Lords).—On Second Reading of Irish Uni- versity Education Krusexiey showed that a grievance—viz., that the vast majority of the Np wee had no University Education they could a ves of—and that the Bill did not meet it. What was wanted was payment for results without reference to the place of ed With- out that the Bill was a > Lord Cransrooxk declined to enter into the question of grants. In other words, he wants the other side to play the money card. Lord 0’ Haean said the line to take was the line they had taken with Intermediate Education last year, This measure, without endowment or grants, was an abortion —a yap peas without the plums. But it might be rong y putting in the plums—meaning the money- clauses. Lord Spencer said very much the same thing, speaking from his experience as an Irish Viceroy. So did Lord PowERScouRT. Lord Sarispury said the Roman Catholics wanted an Endowment. England would not give them one. There was the difficulty. Lord GRanvit_x said there was the difficulty, and this Bill did not meet it. The Government said they could not propose Endowments, but they said nothing about grants. The Lorp CHAanceLLor admitted the difficulty—but suggested no way out of it. So the Bill was a Second Time, with a consensus, that if it is to be made acceptable to Ireland ‘‘ money must be put into it.” Only the Government shrinks from this in the presence of strong ¥ -— prejudices among its rank and file and hopes to throw the odium of proposing anything of the kind on the oeenee ever was anything plainer, or more pitiable, or less promising. (Commons,)— mim | Sitting.—A Mr. Gniseit has been offering to buy up the opinion of a Select Committee. He is to be cxaninel by a Select Committee. Oh, ’tis a joy to see the engineer hoist with his own petard. ‘“Grisett!” The name reminds one of a firm once much in the public mouth—“ Griserx ann Perro.” This is ‘‘ Gaisett anp Petit,” who may get more than Mr. G. meant to oe for. In Committee on Army Discipline Bill, several clauses ot through in comparative quiet. House penitent, or eadachy, after last night’s debauch. Mr. Sampson Lioyp snatched a vote against the Go- vernment, by 76 to 56, for putting Commerce and Agri- culture under a distinct department, with a Secretary of State and Cabinet Minister at the head of it. A slap in the face for Lord B., half a fluke half a farce, for al! that is likely to come of it at present. Still, if ever th wheelwork of Government came to be overhauled, the . ed | vote may be referred to. Wednesday.—Mr. Stevenson brought in his English Sunday Closing Act—sequel to the Irish ditto. ‘Thus VOL, LXXVII. c

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PUNCH, OR THE [Jury 19 1879. HAD HIM THERE! sf. ** You prrxeKken Sor! QUENCHED THerr Ternsr.” Paddy. ** Yes, yer Riv’ RENCE. Tee verry Beasts or THE Fie_p crve you A Lesson! THEY LEAVE OFF WHEN THEY HAVE Bor WHERE DID THE BASsTEs IVER CoME AcRASS A STHRAME O’ Wuisker!!?” presented a petition in favour of the Bill signed by 70,000 members of the British Women’s Temperance Association. This is female representation— of males—with a vengeance! Why, he asked, should hundreds of thousands of their fellow-citizens be deprived of their weekly day of rest because some people wanted to have their beer fresh ? Why, Punch asks, should some millions of our fellow-citizens be debarred of their Sunday draught of beer, because a few thousands can't go into a public-house without making beasts of themselves ? The Government opposed the Bill in a half-and-half way, and finally the House settled the matter by (165 to 162) adjourning the Debate, that Mr. Srevenson might withdraw his Bill, and bring in | another on the same lines,-but less obviously unworkable. Better | cut it for good, says Punch, and don’t come again. Thursday (Lords),—FKarl Stannope’s unsatisfactory Bill, which under shadow of amending the Public Health Act gives powers for creation of denominational burial-grounds, passed into Committee by 117 to 69, after a vain attempt of Lord Kimper ey to stay its pro- gress. A distinct step backwards in burial legislation. (Commons, Another night carbone notanda—ot which Punch declines to bottle any of the noxious essence. The Speaker having stationed two of the Committee Clerks in the side gallery to take a fuller note of the night’s discussion than that supplied him in the usual course by the Clerks at the table, Messrs. Cartan and Parneri chose to challenge this as an act of terrorism, meant to overawe Irish Members ; on the SpEaAKER taking the chair to explain that the step had been taken by his direction and for his information, and that the minutes supplied him had no reference to particular Members of the House—either Irish, Seoteh, or English—Mr. Parnes and Mr. O'Connor Power, amidst indescribable excitement, not only challenged the SpeaxKer’s authority, but actually charged him with a breach of privilege. Yet the lights did not burn blue, nor did the roof fall in to crush this parricidal pair ! Let the Kilkenny Cats fall foul of the Marine and Army Cats bad begins, but worse remains behind.” He had and welcome, but when they fix their sacrilegious claws in the SPeEAKER’s wig, Punch stands aghast, and declines to do more than record the awful deed of impious daring! Most of the night was wasted in denunciation of this unprece- dented outrage on the sanctity of the Chair. But after the lon and furious storm had blown over, such progress was made with the Army Discipline Bill that, somehow, in the small hours, the last clause was reached! For this relief much thanks! Friday (Lords).—In spite of an honest Protestant wail from Lord Oranmore, the Irish University Bill went through Committee, on its way to L. 8. D., or to Limbo. Who can say? We back Limbo. (Commons.)—The House rallied round the SPEAKER, in a phalanx of 421 to 29, against Mr. Parnett and his knot of supporters, mostly Irish, but with some half-dozen English Intransigentes among them. The Collective Wisdom feels that its authority must be supported in the person of its chosen head—who, if its “servant,” as Mr. Par- NELL calls the SpeAKeER, is its steersman and sailing-master also. The only alternative before the House is to maintain its respect for itself, or to forfeit that of the country. Irish indiscipline must bend, or be broken. For once we defy even Mr. GLapsrone to find a third course. HIGHLY OBJECTIONABLE. Our Oxford Correspondent telegraphs that the Temperance Societ has memorialised the Council of the University against their meepeenl to grant the Degree of B.N.S. Aw Irtsn Fact ror Darwtn ‘(latest example of development).— Making cat’s paws out of cat’s tails. Tue Fowerat or THE Prixce Impertat.—Personally conducted— not politically.

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Jury 19, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARILI. A WET nt oN S ’ ~ “aN . Ln Piast; ‘ 1 ize ‘ PO Ne we DY gre i" Se ET! wet! Still wet! Oh, weary, watery weather! Nature seems now, like N: iobe, all tears, The Earth her bottle. Hide of porpoise leather Or cuticle of macintosh appears Man’s only hope. How long, O sapient Darwin, Will this development demand, sole chance That Man may ’midst the elemental war win Security from pluvial circumstance ? “* Pleasure?” Pooh! pooh! We ’ve no aquatic cricket, Being—alas !—mere men, not lucky frogs. In squashy swamps we cannot pitch a wicket, Or play lawn-tennis in a land of bogs. A water-party, spoilt by wind-lashed billows, Making our placid Thames like Spey in spate ; Oh! to be ducks or fish, mushrooms or wiieue ! One envies e’en the snail’s shell-sheltered state. We want amphibious habits to secure us A locus standi in a world all flood, ll Where winter is a whirlpool lashed by Eurus, . 1 WAN Summer (?) a swamp of Malebolgian mud. i i ‘ak \ Some metamorphic readjustment, verily, \y Man needs to fit him to a state so new ; Jiri ZN Ve 44 AS \ q Then might he plo-ale in a marish merrily, — A. ( y Not mope at home till all is mouldy-blue. MANO TI" \ [ TO MESSIEURS ET MESDAMES DE LA COMEDIE. Pouxcu grieves that press of matter forces him to postpone for the | present his last words with this unequalled fae of actors. His 1s Ta \ \) N rewell greeting. International Reciprocity” cut must do duty as

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THE LONDON Ah \ YN BANS SQ -S By « APPEARANCES. Hairdresser. “‘Taewenpious ’ep or ‘arr, Sir! ‘OLE oF IT HORF!’’ Eminent Violinist. ‘“‘Wauv?” Hairdresser, “‘ Wit, YOU ’LL EXCUSE MY SAYIN’ SO, BUT IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE ONE OF THEM FippLeR CHAPS, You KNow!” BETTER LET ME CUT TRE A VOICE FROM THE WEST. Turves be terruble bad down here I d’azzures ’e now, good Meister Punch, Never avore i’ me life zeed I veices zo dour an’ zo dunch As I zeed at our last rent audit; tho’ th’ Steward were smilin’ an’ kind, And th’ dinner 'twere a good dinner, an’ noo vaiit t’ find wi’ th’ wind. Tisn’t we varmers’ losses! We be moist gotten used to that ; *Tis the landlord’s cares an’ crosses, an’ th’ trouble he’s got under his hat! How can he ’unt th’ ’ounds, an’ gie we th’ anne Ef things goos on like this, an’ rents continers to vall ? Noo kippers there ’ll be, an’ noo watchers, noo spannels, noo pheasants, Noo shuttin’ at all, a’moiist, an’ not noo zort o’ geame vor noo presents | What's th’ use o’ gurt House ef there isn’t t’ be noo modre eatin’ an’ drinkin’? An’ marble halls vor me Lord t’ zit in, cheese-parin’ an’ thinkin’ ? Not a geiime o’ cairds | zuppose, ne’er a bet, nor noo spodrt at noo reiices ; What's th’ use o’ gentry at all ef th’ ean’t kip up thirzelves i’ th’r pleaces ! Let th’ times be nivver zo hard, I shall still, | zuppose, ha’ a voiite ; But what es th’ use o’ a v'ice a-kept a-stuck down i’ y’r droite ! I do like vor th’ agent to come, an’ th’ lawyer zo joc’ler and jolly, An’ th’ canderdate kissin’ th’ missus—tho’ I own that mid be a Helly : There ’s a chance then th’ agent to pin, to git vrom un what things y’ mid wont, An’ ef I do gi’e un my voite, why, I tell ’e, I think nothing on’t ! To goo voitin’ ’ithout a kind friend just oone’s fancy an’ faviour to fix, *Tis like fillin’ a zieve wi’ dry zand, or bildin’ a tun ’ithout bricks. Why th’ zosiarable vabric, be zure, u’d crumble away in a week, Ef man onto man wer’dn’t kind, a tryin’ h’s best int’rests t’ zeek ! Vor Old England's zeiike I do wish they ’d clap on purtection agein— J] [Jury 19, 1879. CHARIVARL, *Ithout it noo varmer can thrive, nor noo landlord his high steation maintain, Nor noo banker git his little pickin’s! So y’r zarvent I now d’ remain. JeR& SMALLBONES. P.S.—Ef ye care vor t’ hear vrom th’ West, I mid zend’e, b’times, a short letter ; They mid tell ’e that I be a fool, but J tell ’e that I do naw better : This ’ere agaricult’ral distress I’ve studied th’ case vor zo long, That out ov my zufferin’s at last, as the pote zes, I’ve bust into zong ! FROM OUR CLIMBING CONTRIBUTOR. Account of a terrific ascent of the celebrated Ritupatopza Cone, and of all the highest points of the_hitherto Sm,—When you appointed me your Climbing Corre- when I can’t get anything better. man who isa dark sleeper. Mind, it’s a dark “sleeper ” fascinating but abstruse subject. gaily, and then went-on to show that the Matterhorn had been simply to sound me. In return, I gave no uncertain note.t I I will not descant on the terrible moment of parting. pretended ‘‘ would be in about ten minutes, as I was only stock in hand, I gained the street just in time to put up or a waterjug, or a s me back—I’m glad I wasn’t within a yard of them— inaccessible‘ Hiarandhia Mountains, in a Letter to the Editor, bearing date two weeks ago.* spondent, you did well and wisely. : ‘* Excelsior” is my motto, and ‘‘ Excelserwaterior ” This, you may think, is levity, but I am a light climber, as I am a light sleeper—in fact I have a horror of any that upsets the train—and that will upset my train of thought, if I allow myself to dwell any more on this You, Sir, wanted me to do the Matterhorn. “The Matterhorn be blowed!” I replied, blown long ago by somebody who only wanted to trumpet his own fame te the world. But your object, Sir, was made an advance—a friend in your interests made another}|—and away I went. I had to tear myself away from the partner of my bosom to bid her leave the weekly bills till my return, which i ing to call on my solicitor,” and then g the door on er and descending the stairs, five at once, alpen- my umbrella suddenly, and so avoid either a flower-pot, lop-basin—I heart to stay to examine what it was—that my wife, in her supreme agony, probably stretching out her arms to call had upset in a v roxysm of grief. * Call me back,® id I say! She would have ealled me something else, much stoenger, had I stayed to hear it. But I didn't. I did not wish to have le coeur brisé, ni la téte non plus. Allez! as we say at the Comédie Fran- caise,—I mean in Paris, not don, as of course I am miles away from that gay and festive scene. In a minute afterwards her head was out of window, and I heard her shricking after me— “ Always the same to your old wife Joam!” —words of the song, you know, but very much out of * Note by Editor.—It is a to preface this letter, and any others that may appear from same source, with the remark that, for the life of us, we cam’t remember who eur Climbing Contributor is, where he ¢ from, or where he ’s elimbing to. He asserts, as it from internal evidence in his otherwise interesting doubtlessly truthful narrative, that we appointed him officially ‘ Our Climbing Con- season. We have no recollection of ourselves ; imdeed, to have TY: tributor”’ for th 1e having so far committed thing to do with the employment of a Boy, would contrary beth to our prinei and te an Act of Parliament to that t made an all te the con notwith- standing, &e. We just make this statement, in case of a difficulty arising. t Note by Editor.—Not quite so sure of that. We remember this cireumstance well. It was a five-pound note, and we declined it with thanks, not having sufficient about us to cash it at the mynenl, Gave if he bad only called the week before, it might have one, and so, perhaps, might we. If we do our Climbing Contributor an unintentional wrong in mistak. ing him for somebody else, we heartily his pardon, and hope he ’1l call at our office and set matters right. t This is the first we’ve heard of it. Though probably not ’Tis zo plain as th’ nose on y’r veiice, or how many meake vive to a bein ! the last.—Ep.

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tT eo. #2 48. 4245S . 2A VFS ee Ew T”,lClUm Jury 19, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 17 | tune. She has no ear, and sometimes, I wish I hadn’t é#o, when she becomes at all demonstrative—as with a beating heart and with scarcely a dry eye in my head, I turned the corner, and hailing a Hansom Cab, dashed off to the station, That is how I left. How I arrived I will not stay to tell. Enough that here I am, and from here I send you this account of me first ascent, the first ascent ever made of the Ritupatopza Cone, the igh- est point of the Hiarandhia range, of which I here enclose a pee | ° sketch. P Sketch showing Niggernose Point, Krutch Rock, and Tooth Peak. This will give you some rough idea of the difficulties that had to be surmounted, The figures are myself and ‘‘ Cuances his friend,” I’ve got a stick in my hand. Friend is dancing. He is exhilarated by the air, for we are 500,000 feet above the level of the sea. The level of the sea is represented in the back- ground. Compare our figures with the rocks, though, after all, they will give you but a slight notion of the relative heights. vowed to reach Niggernose summit before night. hen I say it is to be done, it must be done. There are but two words with Yours Truly. It is either ‘‘On” or ** Off.” Sometimes both at once. My sketch will give you some faint idea—and ‘‘ faint” is about the word for the ideas of most timid natures, when on these dizzy heights,—of the really perilous nature of the ascent. No larks. By the way, while I was hooraying at the top, I noticed somebody evidently making a sketch of me and the mountain together. I immediately took out my telescope, by its aid read the words, ** For the Graphic newspaper.” So if you see anything like this in that publication ga = + « to Ascent of Niggernose, showing Our *PDear, you w what value to Climb , Progress Put on it. Catching sight of m | meats ag telescope, which he probably mistoo for a rifle—such is the effect of a guilty conscience—he shut up his book and ran off. I could not escend in time to ask any questions, and my men, who were waiting below, could not, or oul not: give me any information. But to P 2 (To be continued in my next.) up to the top. HOW TEWFIK ASTONISHED THE POWERS. “Senp for Nusar?” said Tewrtk, in a towering passion. ‘‘ Must I really? 1’ll show them that whatever has become of the old bar to European influence, I ean set up a new bar of my own.”’ So he sent a telegram, telling Nusak not to show in Egypt—at his peril ! THe Most To se cor sy Invapine ZvLuLAND.—A Military Crawl. THE VOICE OF VANITY FAIR. Fancy fairs haye once more become the fashion, To assist Ladies who are new to booth-k and papuatarsll y feel a and particularly young einem Mr. Punch always ready has jotted down ‘a little bit of ‘ parade- the ack opens his auction, for h we a ur eyes W. ‘ou 100 a ” . Alai-penny a -crown customer may look ing ho and I don’ Y's as soorgt lends thei ey is—and "s what I’m after. Bless you, there’s no for an introduction—tip us your tin, and we’ll waive the business, And now you’ve seen me, how d’ye like me? my costume, Ain’t it fetch- ing? I’ve put it on im defiance my usband and my brothers, my uncles and my a of the family gene- rally, of both sexes, Awfully jolly—ain’t it? And it's a case of manners to match! Oh, c awa) d see if I can’t give you as as I get. Don’t be I’m not here to be shocked. I’m ready to bite you off the end of a , Sign you a carte, breathe on @ rose, or pin you in a ‘ button-holer,’ as soon as look at you, Fire away !|—don't be particular about your jokes. 1 rather like ’em strong on these occasions, I’m not bless you! I’ve not a notion who you are, but I mean to make a customer of you before you ’re many minutes older—if ‘Ve any mney to be wheedled out of your pockets, and you can’t be muff enough to come here if you haven’t, We’re here to pick pe don’t you know? That’s our Oe Pe ee erry aa ee ame to onl P me » you’re say #0, only you must p uss for it, Handsome is that handsome does—don’t you know—and I flatter myself I’m going to do you handsomely. So come and don’t be shy. Buy, buy, buy! Down with money, like bricks, to me up the biggest pe a Never mind her, nor her, nor any dy the only shop in the fair, and I’m the only shop-woman! look alive! It’s so nice to meet a Lady in this free-and-casy style, don’t you know? Say what you like to me; I’m bound to e it all in good part—risqué or not. I shouldn’t be here if I were squeamish, don’t you know? Come, buy, buy, we A Have a rose with a kiss on it,—that’s half a sov. extra,—thank you! Sold again, and the money! Or my carte in costume? Here ’s a fetching one—in attitude, and a great deal of me for the money. If I sign it, it’s an extra five shillings, and ten for the carte—no, thank you,—no change out of a sovereign! Not if I know it. You pay your money and take your stare—and your chaff, if — ’re up to it—I’m not particular. Must not be particular in these hard times. Besides, it’s quite correct. There ’s Mrs. Gnrunpy keeping a stall herself. So, step forward, step forward, and get your money ready, and see what an English Lady ean do for charity! Vanity and bad taste, forwardness and free-and-easiness, Le mot pour rire, and Le bonnet par-dessus les moulins, —charity covers ’em all! Buy, buy, buy! Any amount of chaff in—but no change out. Here we are—in full fig! Nothing charged for staring. Here ’s your Queens of Beauty and Fashion. ac , all a laughing. All a selling, all a swelling. Walkup! Walkup! Walk up!” A Ory From the Country. Tuey tells us we ought durun a run o’ good times to ha’ put by zummut fur a raainy day. Yaa! What we’d a got to put by fur we finds to be a raainy year. Make hay while the sun shines, should us? Azy work when the sun’s out long enough. This here zummer when ’a wun’t show his veace for five minutes at a time ’tood be what ye med call a rapid act o’ haymakun. Views about France. Tue Monarchy—A head without a body. The Empire—A body without a head. The Republic ro ae body that wants to be all head. The Republic (M: te)—A body that should show a-head—the sooner the better. A WORD IN SEASON, Why is the weather like the late Kueprve ?—Because it has rained long enough, and ought to abdicate in favour of the Sun. May we ame that whatever weather we are to have (even if change- able), it will not prove Tew-fickle for toleration.

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| SIMUTAAY 18 [PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. y Ziaaa 30 “P'- yy azuit # DE—DE Heng, you Grris! waaT’s “ WHEN CAT MEETS CAT!” Kitxenny aboo! Dared the Saxons to say, Virish cats could do nothing but claw one another ? Ah! shure thin we ’ll give them the divil to pay, When their Bills we obsthruct, and their progress we bother. | Their Cats are before us, | Mol-rowing in chorus, It’s an illigant shindy that looms full in view. Clapperclaw ’em, and rend ’em, Skedaddlin’ we ’Il send ’em, To the glorious ery of “ Kilkenny aboo! Kilkenny aboo! Though ’tis two agin four, And each wid nine knots in their nine tails, who cares ? Faix! ove thrue Oirish feline ’s a match for a score Of Saxon grimalkins, for all their big airs. Hiveroo! for the ruction, Who prates of Obsthruction ? Shure, we'll pare down their claws and we'll cut their tails, too! By sheer caterwaulin’, And blusther and bawlin’, To the slogan sublime of *‘ Kilkenny aboo!” Kilkenny aboo! Come on one, come on all! _ Be your tails ne’er so many, it’s we ’ll make you turn ’em : Though ye hiss, spit, and growl, though ye sputter and squall, We've our wages to win yet, and faix, boys, we ll earn ’em ! Wid your whip-cord that cracks Into dacent boys’ backs, Too long ye have worried the world, wirrasthrue ! Soldiers’ friends—that ’s the chat ! ’Tis we'll kill the cat, To the glorious ery of ‘‘ Kilkenny aboo!” Kilkenny aboo! Shure our mutual slaughter ” Ss SS SS . SS S ~ LATS SS ~ ~ . : ~~ S SS I go No more shall make mirth for the low pom boor. AT BULLONG. Paterfamilias (who will do the Parleyvooing himsels instead of leaving it to his daughters). ‘‘OH—ER—J’AI BEZWANG D’OON BOOTAIL ™ ' THE Frenca ror Eau pE CoLtogngr?” Henceforward when we ’re in our native hot wather, He shall have his full share, and a little dhrop more. Though Nortucore may hate us, And Hartineron rate us, We'll hould on our way bould as Baran Borv, And gaily lay whacks on The back of the Saxon, Cryin’ down wid their cats, and ‘‘ Kilkenny aboo! ” SERVES HIM JOLLY WELL RIGHT. My Lorp, Leamington, July 4, 1879. Since you have persisted in your unaccountable refusal of the Wreath which an adoring people has, through my unheard-of exertions, offered for your acceptance, I am now on the point of forwarding the People’s Tribute to Cerewayo as a mark of Eng- land’s appreciation of his heroic defence of his country and kingdom against its white invaders. Trusting the great African potentate may feel no such scruples in accepting the National Tribute of the British Working-man' as have had weight with your Lordship, I have the honour to be, Your Lordship’s Obedient Humble Servant, Tracy TURNERELLI. The Right Honourable Lord Beaconsfield, Hughenden, Berks. Expulsion of the Hyksos. (Shakspeare on the Situation.) (to the European Powers). How now? Back, friends! Sultan { (to Ismart Paswa). Shepherd, go off a little. (to Prince Husser). Go with him, Sirrah ! Ismail Pasha (to Husserx). Come, Shepherd let us make an honourable retreat; though not with bag and baggage, ret with scrip and scrippage. Ezxeunt Ismait and Hussein. As You (and we) Like It, Act. IIL., Se. ii., vv. 147—151,

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. ee OO ." — aa Oe « x \ A, iy ma Ws \ Sa 4 f = | agua ro eé WHEN CAT M MEETS CAT CAT : ’ OR, ‘é KILKEN} NNY ABOO!I! '] ! ”

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Jury 19, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 21 LEX TAIL-IONIS. (From the humanitarian point of view.) Axovrt Cats, their right number of tails and such vanity, pedants and wmartinets wrangle and brawl; There is only one Cat in a tale with inet And that’s the Manx Cat, which has no tail at all! To the Editor of Punch. lice-reports that a Lady of ttingdale was charged with nine cats in one room, istrate at Hammersmith, decided that if the nuisance was not abated the offender would be severely dealt with. Now, as a similar nnisance is being at present caused at the House of Commons through of four cats in an e cloak-room—viz., the Naval Cat, the Marine Cat, the Approved Cat, and th son Cat—would it not be even justice to deal with the offenders and their Cats in this case as sternly as Mr. Brrpcx has dealt with Miss CrcrLia Hoveeck and her nine tame pets ? , If we count tails, the House of Commons’ case is much the most I am, Sir, Yours, A Martine Car. OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. (After going to Drink.’’) Srr,— When about two months since I saw L’ Assommoir at the representation of the piece on the be done as well!in London as in Paris. These three were the Lavoir, or Public Wash-house, the scaffolding scene, with the sensational fall Ambigu, I felt sure, English stage, three from the top storey, and he drinking-shop, ?assommoir itself. The broad realism, I was certain, could be the interior of t action, startling effeet, and seenie ld presented even better on the London stage, than on the Parisian. sure, that to reproduce tine peculiar pani ter, would be just so much la imagine no English Actor suited, ex- haps, Mr. Irvine, and I doubted if for that of Gervaise found any one equal to Hétzwe Perir. | It also struck me that it would be a fatal mistake merely to transfer ZL’ Assommoir, from th an English title, instead of boldly the same time 1 was eq French fun of Mes Bottes and, if attempted by the For the hero’s part I co to a London theatre, under the story with its series of custom of insisting on the Principals “having the to them- selves” for their scenes, and of their always ‘taking the centre” for any business of importance, destroys that illusion of sealey, which, in these two instances, was so admirably arranged at the Ambigu, and could have been so easily imita here. It would take too long, and serve no purpose, to go into details; but I will merely indicate my meaning by pointing out that in Paris the workpeople did not atacertain ‘‘cue for music” march across from left to right, and then disappear, to allow the Principals to talk, until the ‘‘cue for music” came again, when they once more reappeared, and went through the same mechanical, organ-figure business. No; at.the Ambigu the workpeople we in by twos and threes; then one singly, then four or five, all characters, and across the Stage, as naturally as peas during the court- ing of Gervaise and Coupeau in front. Is it likely that if Tom the orkman stops to make love to Polly the Laundress as they meet in Oxford Street, that every foot passenger would at once move off dis- creetly, and give them the pavement to themselves? Yet this is what is invariably done on the stage, no matter whether the scene be laid in a market- ora thoroughfare, or any place of public resort. At the Am the picture of the interior of the Assommoir was one of real life, the chiet actors in the drama being seated at a table, on the right of the Stage, while the other tables were per- petually occupied by fresh consommateurs, who drank, chatted, paid, and walked out, when the Gargon wiped the tables, and in another second entered more consommateurs, to go through the same busi- ness, never interfering with the chief action of the Scene, but aiding it, by keeping up the illusion of reality. Mr. Reape has omitted one very powerful and im nt scene, the birthday-party at Madame Coupeau’s, which, though far too long in te originals eould have eee Septensly curtailed and re- tained. this, he has a front scene into Act V., where the is made up out of what should have been in the wepting ote, and what to the birthday scene first mentioned. divided between M , and Phabe Sage, a small share falling to the former and a very big one to the latter. Both [parts are capitally played by Mr. Haynes and Miss Fawnre Leste, and their dance at the wedding is uproari- ously encored. Lantier, the hatter, is made rather too American by Mr. Repmunn, = but for this, is a Ft = L y el by — j Leone as - is companion in vice, Virginie A Murray), I must say she is, without exception, the Li por woman of her ; wae and age I ever saw on any bar none. She has got ‘a bad part’’ with a vengeance! And night after night both she and Lantier are ealled before the curtain by the justly incensed gods, to receive a complimentary hissing. . Wiii1aM Rieworn’ as G , the total abstinence man, has curtailed the magnificent flaxen of his prototype much as Mr. Reape has trimmed the pieee; and if he would not drop his yoice so frequently, and be a trifle jess self-conscious, his performance of this round—and Mr. Wii11aM RieNoip must be considered “all round”—would be nearly up to the original mark. His delivery of the temperance h, well adapted from the original, would gladden the heart of Sir Witram, and might even induce Cardinal MAnntnc to take a box at the Princess’s. Miss Amy Rosette—who appears here ‘‘ by the kind permission of 8. Bancrort, Esquire ”’—what a subject for an historical cartoon in next year’s Academy—“‘S. Bancrort, Esquire, kindly giving is- sion to Messrs. CHartes Reape and Waiter Goocn to avail them- selves of the services of Miss Amy Rosgtiz,” who will be represented d | as on her knees, tearfully not to be allowed to depart from her strong situations, London equivalents—they are all to han -house—and giving us a really good English melod the excellent moral of the advantages of judicious temperance over brutal sottishness. I was unwilling to believe that the awfully repulsive scene, , Vhépital des fous only to die of deli- rium tremens, could ever be tolerated on our stage. And on the whole I anticipated but a very mediocre success for any adaptation of L’ Assommoir. As far as the first part of my opinion the last, I am wrong. Drink at th cess, that the house is densely crowded eve booked in advance, and how went, I find I am right ; as to e Princess’s is such a genuine suc- evening, seats have to be nights it may have be- the profits for the fortunate speculators may predict there has been scarcely any adaptation of the original, but, merely a “‘ transferation” and i n 1 rly drawn between its representation here and in Paris, in two instances with advantage of the former. The cases in point are the Scaffold Scene, and the omission of Undertaker, who interrupts the dance at the marriage pronounces che pemananey “tag.” On A “thee II.) of the ssommotr * in Scene 2), is not eq be, it is impossible to As copes and Gervaise, and terior of the Assommoir (Act V., the to that at the Ambigu. Our stupid inartistic happy home at the Prince’o es’s, in Tottenham Court Road, and 8. B., Esquire, comforting her by saying, ‘‘ My dear, it’s only round thecorner! It won’t beforlong!” Buthe’s mistaken. It may be for years, and it may be for ever-—— Miss Amy Rosetite—" by the kind permission of 8. Bancrort, Esquire ’—(I can’t resist it)—plays Ger- vaise, and plays it fairly enough, as playing go though too much at the audience, and not for the audience, with whom the interesting character itself is of course the favourite that enlists all sym- paliies. Her dying. ogene—“Whete she i die peraee by ie in on of 8. Bancrort, Esquire), is certain. , thoug Mr. Cuasans Reane, in order to cnt bare has on A vo Gervaise treat the Angels very shabbily, as when she is dying she hears them daging & town of her ciidhesd, ond then octane. tow thom beckoning to her to come, whereu she not only accepts their in- vitation, but asks them to keep ber 8 place—a front place—-as she will be with them directly, and immediately afterwards she revives by the aid of cakes, warm , and a second-hand fur cloak, and c ane WE a Very oe tial offer of marriage from the temperate but impulsive Goujet. And so Gervaise remains at of ee Princess’s by the kind permission of 8. Bancrort, Esquire, and Now for Mr. Warner as Pines goo the weak, the unfortunate erring, workman, the “ example” of this highly moral tale. Well, one big step in his downward course having been. alee YO DUR

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LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 19, 1879. ee — RM THOT _ “STARTLING EFFECTS!” Peep-Showman, *‘ ON THE RIGHT YOU OBSERVE THE ’XPREsS TRAIN A-COMIN’ ALONG, AN’ Tue Sionat Licuts, Taz Green AND THE Rep. Tae Green Licuts means ‘ CAUTION,’ AnD THE Rep Licuts si’niFirs ‘ Dancer’ ”—— Small Boy (with his Eye to the Aperture), ‘‘ But wHat’s THe YautEr Liout, Sie ?”’ Peep-Showman (slow and impressive), ‘‘ THEre arn’T NO YALLER LicatT—svUT THE GREEN AND THE Rep. Tax Green Licuts means ‘ CavTion, anD THE Rep Licuts s!’y1r——” Small Boy (persistently). ‘‘ Bur wua’s THE oTHER Licut, Sir!” Peep-Showman (losing patience), “‘ "TELL YER THERE AIN’T NO”’——(lakes a look—in conster- nation.)—“* BLOWED IF THE DARNED OLD SHow AIN’T A-FIRE!!” eut away from him by Mr. Cuartes Reape—I mean the scene at the wedding—the transi- tion from sobriety to_sottishness is more sudden and startling than it was in the hands of Git-Naza. That Mr. Wanwer’s Coupeau is only an ish workman in a French dress arises from the necessity of rendering the » Past intelligible to an audience that is even now inclined to laugh outright at the notion of the doctor having a poor miserable out-of-work Segre. Just veterned Som the becatin to drink i than claret ! His scene with his wife and little child in Act IV. as good as it was in Paris, but then the scene itself is just one of those touches of nature that go straight to the heart of an audience. Success here is rather due to the situation than to the Actor. The child is absolutely natural! This is the highest praise. But his great ) ode death from delirium tremens—was too protracted. In Paris it was net one whit shorter; longer, perhaps; but one was so horrified by it, that one wished it over, so that the wretched man’s sufferings might the sooner be ended. But here I wished it over, because the Actor’s energy seemed to be spent, and one felt that it was with difficulty he was — up the excite- ment to the end, an at it was abso- lutely necessary to introduce the child, suddenly running in, to be nearly mur- dered by its father, in order to momentarily divert the audience’s attention from the father to the child, so that it might be brought back again to the father, a second afterwards, for his fall and death. At the Ambigu I breathed freely when the Act was over, for Coupeau’s e, not for Grt-Naza’s; but here I was glad when the curtain terminated, not Coupeau’s, but Mr. WARNER’s sufferin His make-up was—thank Heaven !—less repulsive than Git-Naza’s, and, without comparison, and putting aside that this is imitation and not original creation, Mr. WakNeEr’s acting in this scene is decidedly powerful. In the French piece there was no episode of the child, nor do I remember Coupeau’s t ing his hand through the window, and cutting his wrist. One word as to the finish of Act [TI., which Mr. Reape has improved by omitting the Undertaker; instead of whom he has in- troduced Lantier, who enters without say- ing a word, and confronts Gervraise and Coupeau, who shrink from him with horror. Tableau, and down with curtain. Applause. In reply to applause, up curtain, dis- covering same group, and to them enters Goujet. He sees the tableau—starts—pulls out a photograph, shoves it under Lantier’s nose, who, in histurn, starts back—no one uttering a sound; and the position of the whole is suddenly changed—Lantier bein horror-struck at the sight of a wrete likeness of himself and his first wife—pro- bably done on the sands somewhere by an itinerant artist, all framed and glazed for one frane fifty—and down goes the curtain on the group. But if after the first tableau there had been no —, But if there is no applause, Mr. Purr?” asks one of the actors in the Critie when the author has them all at adead lock—how then? Would the curtain have gone up amid dead silence ? Necessarily. Let the audience be silent one — and try it. so much for Drink. And now I am dry, which is more than I can say of this July weather. “Now to the post— These lines I send ’um. Drink !—this my toast— Nune est bibendum !” I see a piece advertised called the Wor- ship of Bacchus, Are we going to be flooded with drink? Is the tap on every- where? The East End will now revive oe versions of The Bottle a — ’ Assommoir in very many a curious family resemblance. I shall follow a masterly policy of abstention, and am sincerely, Your REPRESENTATIVE. Lixe carrytne Coats To NEWCAsTLE.— Carrying Corn to Chicago.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. (After the Conservative Banquet in the City.) Salisbury to Hartington. Dean Harry, You read what I said in the City ? se assured 'twas well-meant. Your position I pity. You are really a very good fellow, you know, But your shocking Circassian followers—oh ! ! ! Hartington to Salisbury. Dear Satty, I reap, and—I think—understood Your most flattering words; you’re exceedingly good. My “ Circassians” chafe me, I own, but don’t dream I’m in need of a Crect1’s Circassian Cream! Salisbury to Hartington. Dean Haxry, Don’t huff! You’re disgusted I know, At those sub-gangway chaps, they ’re so awfully low. Your patience and pride they must terribly tax ; But things always go quisby when Discipline ’s jax! Hartington to Salisbury. Dear Saney, Yes! Discipline’s such a fine thing! Yet I fancy that once you were fond of your fling. But having knocked under to Dizzy, of course, You would have no Irregulars now in the force. Salisbury to Hartington. Dear Harry, . Now pray do not get in a passion, I may have been Ishmael, never Circassi Your Bashi-Bazouks, lam sorely afraid, PF Will yet turn on their leader,—unless they ’re well paid ! Hartington to Salisbury. Paid, eh? Well, there ’s much in a name, But when Ishmael turned Issachar, what was his game ? When the “ strong ass ”—pray me !—stoops to the burden, Is it present or future he looks to for guerdon ? Salisbury to Hartington. Deak SaLty, Dear Harry, Ass? Issachar? Guerdon? Dear me! [ have not an idea what your meaning may be. You surely don’t hint ‘‘ vulgar lucre” may hook A Marquis as well as a Bashi-Bazouk ? hi 'f bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Cont tions. etaw ped and directed envelope. 1879. [Jury 19, a = Hartington to Salisbury. Dear SALLY, On no! But when Issachar shows A hard mouth to hard bit, e stout back to’sore blows, Some will fancy the prospect of fodder and stall Has its weight,—which may prove him no ass after all. Salisbury to Hartington, Dear Harry, You ’L scarce keep your “ stall,” my sweet Whig, There ’s a darker, more dangerous spirit !—you twig ? We are sweetly united, and know what we’re at, But ‘‘ Circassian” Leadership—just fancy that ! Hartington to Salisbury. Dear SALLy, Tuat slap—though ’tis smart—shows your hand. I twig, and the country will quite understand. Scares and bogies have served you good turns, there’s no doubt, But do you not think they ’re a /eetle played out ? HAPPY THOUGHTS OF FOREIGN TRAVEL FOR 1879. Turnx of packing up your own clothes, and looking after your wife’s boxes. Think of the early rising, hurried breakfast, and getting to the Station in time to catch the morning train. Think of the railway journey from London to Dover, with an anxious mother, a self-assertive nurse, and a couple of teething babies for ible fellow-travellers. Think of getting on board the steamer as it rocks from side to side in the harbour. Think of the two hours on the Channel. Think of the buffet at Calais. = of the journey to Paris, and the salle d’attente at the end of it. Think of the Think of the soap. Think of the table d’héte with a party of “‘ personally conducted” tourists. Think of the morning promenade under an umbrella in front of the bonnet shops, at an average of five shillings an inch. Think of the stuffy theatres, and the revivals of pieces you saw for the first time about thirty years ago. Think of the money you will have to spend in cabs. Think of the bill, sheets long, that you will have to settle before having your luggage put in a remise for the Station. Think of the slowness of Grande Vitesse, and of having to assist (merely as a spectator) at family luncheons into which garlic has been freely introduced. Think of the embarras of hotel omnibuses on arriving at your destination. ahs Think of sight-seeing in general, and of churches and galleries in r. Think of the Rhine in a mist, the Righi in a fog, and the Simplon in a down-pour. ven Think of damp beds, uncivil waiters, and indigestible dinners, Think of the drains of Cologne, the Musquitos of Venice, and the Mud of Genoa. Think of the extortions of hotel-keepers, waiters, chamber-maids, guides, cab-drivers, and money-changers Think of the last week’s Times, and Galignani. Think of the undesirable people whom you are sure to see, and the pleasant friends you are certain not to fall in with. Think of the hurry-skurry of train-catching before day-break, and room-securing after midnight. Think of the effects of indifferent French cookery, partially- fermented Italian wines, and toothachy Swiss honey. Think of the chances in life you will miss for ever by being abroad at the very time you are wanted in town. Think of the letters and bills that will greet your coming home again. _ Think of all these discomforts, and a thousand more, and then light your cigar, stir your grog, poke the fire (now necessary in the middle of July), and thank your lucky stars that you have remained at home. em étage at one or other of the grand hotels. fficulty of getting hot water, and general absence of I the day-before-yesterday’s VERA EFFIGIES. _ It is rumoured that Lord Braconsrretp has expressed his wil- lingness to accept and wear Mr. Tracy TURNERELLI’s Wreath—at Madame Tvssavp’s. In no case can these Le returned unless accompa ied by a Copres should be key.

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— ae Juty 26, 1 879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ie foe pt G Hii}. | 1] | \ 1! | HY Ih ids ay 4 | a Wid 4 IY, a i} | | 1 ) | J JUST IN TIME. Constant Traveller, ** Hv11o, Jonnson! you HERE? ‘Great Mupiey Goons Yarp’?” Retired Shunter. *‘Yus, Sm. THERE WERE TEN OF US WHEN I JOINED Ercnt YEARS AGO; 80, AS THE OTHERS WERE ALL SMASHED, I THOUGHT IT | WAS ABOUT TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE !”’ oo eee Wit Ase | | At - ~ aneaie TIAVE YOU LEFT THE THE CLOUDS AND THE CLERGY. TT Wuen the rain overlong hath been raining, } Or the skies have withheld the due drops, And the farmers all round are complaining, With some cause, in alarm for their crops, Then the Bishops take counsel together, And advice to their clergy decree, Bidding prayers to be for fair weather, Or for wet—whiche’er needful may be. HE Less sage, it may be, than satirical Himself the philosopher shows, Who remarks that they pray for a miracle ; It may happen for aught that he knows. But if reverend divines see goud reason, Prayer’s aid to the farmers to lend, Why not pray early on in the season, And not wait till it draws to an end ? On their faith if they place full reliance, Why allow drought or deluge a run ? Why, with forecasts now furnished by Science, Remain mute until mischief is done ? The future’s climatic conditions, Daily cabled, we get from far climes ; a not, therefore, church weather-petitions preferred to more purpose betimes A Stand-up for St. Swithin. Mowsienor Pouncna, Ay incredulous person, hailing from Llandaff, writes to the Zimes an poe letter, audaciously im- ng the venerable and uniformly verified legend of | . Swithin, on the fallacious ground that the day of | the translation of his sacrosanct relics, in July, 971, took lace on “‘the 15th, Old Style; that is, the 27th now.” s not this sceptical sophist aware that the Calendar in which the Festival of 8. Swithin stands appointed for the 15th of July, was reformed by a Pope, and therefore 8. Swithin’s Day, Old Style, and 8. Swithin’s Day, New Style, are both the same, and altogether identical for all ecclesiastical pu » miracles inclusive. Ask Car- dinal Newman whether it is not so, if you doubt the authority of Hacroroevs. Ar Wreiepon.—Work ror a Carver.—To cut out our crack shots. Why don’t you, Doctor ? COMING TO THE POINT. (The Reflective Obstructive to ITimself.) Ir I go to the Academy at the most crowded hour of the day, pick out the picture at which there is the greatest rush, then open my umbrella before it, and obstinately refuse to move one way or the other for two hours, why am I, after some altercation, removed by the Police ? Why, also, if I spring suddenly on to the seat of my stall at the Opera, and insist, in the middle of the Third Act of the JZuguenots, on showing the audience, in a shrill falsetto, what ZJ would have done with the finale had I been Meyensern, am I hissed down and | got out, not without a scuffle, by five box-keepers ? Why, too, if at my Club, I persist in taking all the daily and weekly papers from the ing-room and sitting on the whole of them during my lunch, does my conduct ultimately oblige the re ee to come to the unanimous resolution that I must be got rid ofr Again, why may I not get, with the Dean, into the pulpit at West- minster Abbey, upset a traction-engine in Rotten Row, keep the diving-bell at the Polytechnic (full inside) six hours under water, drop a portmanteau into the works of the New Law Courts’ clock, lay sleepers here and there across secluded portions of the suburban lines, and indulge in other obstructive feats of a similarly brilliant character, without, sooner or later, arousing the susceptibilities of the police ? In short, if when, outside the House, I am not allowed to hinder the progress of a single perambulator, why, when inside it, have I over? facility given me for bringing to a dead-lock the affairs of an Empire ? And, lastly, why is it that, under such circumstances, nobody commits me to the charge of the Sergeant-at-Arms ? ENGLISH, PLAIN AND PARLIAMENTARY. Tue prineipal business of the Speaker and the Chairman of Com- | mittees in the House of Commons nowadays appears to consist in calling ‘‘ Hon. Gentlemen” to order for using unparliamentary lan- guage. The chief offenders are the Irish Members, who seem to find extreme difficulty in mastering the English tongue in its official form. To assist these rough-and-ready debaters, Mr. Punch has | prepared the following table, which may be advantageously resorted to in moments of excitement. The first phrase has already received sanction from the Chair. Equivalent in Parliamentary Language. To leave the House covertly. To confuse fancies with facts, no doubt inadvertently. To revel in the language of un- limited strength. To falter under a deficient sense of self-respect. To pay an exaggerated deference unworth the dignity of an Honourable Member. To obtain information in a man- ner which has not hitherto approved itself to the scrupu- lous self-respect of this House. wy the dictates of wisdom To overstep the lisdite hich 0 ov the limits whic a- rate the domains of Civil and Criminal Jurisprudence. Plain English. To sneak out of one’s place. To tell a downright lie. To brag like a bully. | To whine like a coward. To cringe like a cur. To listen like a spy. To behave like a fool. To act like a rogue. VOL, LXXVIT.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 26, 1879. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT (Iirds, Monday, July 14.) uv should Lord Srrarnepen be so much concerned about Russian evacuation that he is determined to make a motion if the Russians wont? His eagerness to sustain the Government was ill-rewarded by Lord Satissury, who plainly said the Government wanted none of his sustaining. Lord StRaTHEDEN shut up, ae stung but not squenched, his motto being ‘‘ Mersus Phy on es Neate emergam ”—*‘ the more T am sat upon more I : will not be put down.” Has Government been ing with the Irish Roman Catholics in the matter of University Educa- tion Lord Emxy asserts as much, distinctly refer- ring to a proposal for settlement negotiated some time ago with the Irish Executive, in favour of which, he -? a petition was forwarded to the Prime Minister signed by almost every Catholic & palties and importance in Ireland, with a result of expectations only raised to be dashed by a measure as unjust as it would prove abortive. Called to his legs by Lord Granvitxz, Lord BeaconsrrExp declared that he had listened to “the vp ~ ig of the noble Baron with amazement,” that “nothing of the romance in which he appeared to be indulging” was known to B.; that the Cabinet knew nothing of this negotiation—of these schemes and plans; that no proposition on the subject ever came to Lord B., directly or indi- ae he knew nothing of any authority for Lord Emxy’s statement ; that he entirely repudiated it, and was sure his colleagues wo 0 é same. Lord Emty explained that he had spoken not of Her Majesty’s Government, but of the Irish Government, and that he had himself seen the proposition to which he had referred. ? es! _It is clear either that the Irish Government keeps Lord B. in the dark, or Lord B. the Irish Government. Let our readers explain it b=: way they will, it is wonderful that St. George’s Channel should set such a gulf between the Irish and English segments of an ministration. The Lozp Cuance.ior tried to explain the difference between what Government had done last year in the Intermediate Educational Bill and what they declined to do now. A distinction without a difference, says Lord SELBouRNE; and so says Punch. ee (Commons.)—After some hours’ desultory talk, the CuanceLtor, rising t) ask for priority of Government orders on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, took occasion to announce the “Happy Despatch” list of Bill: which it was sed to put out of their misery. Of those already on their way but one remains—‘* The Bemneat of an Army ”—th: Army Discipline Bill. (See its embodiment in Punch’s Ha SPesrreds oe 2c. ene shes eonrnrp Pew i baeane pieceikredsots Bere stceceees

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| Jury 26, 1879.] | Cartoon.) That will pass. The Bankruptey | Bill has a faint hope of surviving, and the | Banking Bill, reduced to a skeleton, may | escape the common fate. For the rest— They are gone, they are dead, In cold pire mt And there’s none to shed a tear o’er their grave, Save where private Members weep Their small Bills laid » That through many a weary sitting they had watched in hopes to save ! The Army Discipline Bill! And even that all but solitary survivor how sorely muti- lated! Messrs. O’Donwnet and O'Connor Power gravely rebuked the House for its grievous waste of time and its general misconduct of business. Punch congratulates Oe E Fos teidieed no beat ent ir R. Peet in in a an ey ay mg LE duct of the u War, the CHELMSFORD, the unfair treatment of Co- lonel WEATHERLY and Captain Cargy, and . number 4 incidental topi — A. vagations he got rapped over es by Colonel Stantey and Lord Hartieron, who took occasion to hh the House a neat little sermon on duty of not at- tempting more business than it could grasp, and doing that a little better. They must have a night for the Zulu War, and another, with Sir Cuantes Drixe, for the Berlin Treaty, @ of Greece. At last the House got into the clauses of the Army Discipline Bill, and stayed there muddling the rest of the night. Tuesday (Lords).—Lord Truro and Lord SHAFTESBURY in su of Second Readin of Bill for unconditional prohibition Vivisection. The more ptr Punch feels with the humane feeling that prompts these Lords, the better pleased he is that their horror of suffering is not to be allowed to stand in the way of its alleviation. This is the ground and justification of experi- ments on living creatures, carried on under due tion and control. BravcuampP, Lord Carnarvon, and the Bi of Pergrsonover, whom Punch congratulates on his as much as his clear-headedness, ur sensible, and unsensational, side of the argument—that the lower animals may reasonably and re- iooury be made to suffer for the allevia- greater suffering omeng tas higher animals, provided always that such suf- fering is inflicted under due safi and not wantonly, nor in excess of the true uirements ms | objects of science. rd Emy’s last night’s “romance” being again referred to, Lord Bracons- FIELD said that probably it would be found that the Lord Lieutenant might have con- versed with Irish Prelates and others on the subject—but he knew nothing about it. It was only a guess of his. As for negotia- dreaming. Lord B. at least can’t throw any light on the matter. thing as gusrding & chiaf's responsibility g as a + : such a thing as unaceredited or scoredited negotiation or discussion—or undertaking —or are a man words will do-vof which discleimer being found convenient, it may be disclaimed, nothing to show for it ! (Commons.)—The Army Discipline Bill again. More with the Cat and his tails,—which growing “fine by and beautifully less.” t last, after Sir G. CamppeExt’s proposal PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI “HE HAD A FRUGAL MIND.” Mourner. “‘ Loox nEae. I SHAN’T WEAR ’EM AT THE Grouxp. COULDN’T YOU STAND A PAIR OF SLATE-COLOUR INSTEAD ?”’ Undertaker, “‘ Very sonny, Sin, BUT WE NEVER DO ANYTHING IN ‘MiTIGATED’”’! to confine the flog to a‘ bad list,” Lord Harrrnerow rose to say that, as the Debate had raised serious doubts whether the Government retains a clear, fixed, and the Cat is indispensable for the maintenance of discipline, its position and had determined, that unless the Government co corporal punishment to cases where death would, but for it, be actuall = Cat h wae the Op and for wey a aving t the Opposition to this conclusion. clear Geuvidiion as to the indispensability of flogging. Colonel Mune followed this u tha tion had reconsidered see their way to confine inflicted, the sooner e could not give Mr. PARNELL the credit of It was due to the Government’s want of by proclaiming Ais conviction that from the moment the Cat was brought into the House of Commons its knell was sounded. Colonel Nortx groaned over the awful fact that a Colonel should confess as much. Mr. A. G. Harpy as became the son of an ex-Secretary of War, upheld the Cat in the name of humanity—as the milder alternative for death.

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> | the doomed animal! Another year ought to see the end of him. | chance has it of again getting its head above water? It is such a | half-and-half measure that Punch doubts if it is much worth | insist on all goods being | Beaconsrrecy’s categorical denial. ‘ No ever been | made to the Irish Roman-Catholic Bishops by the Irish Executive. No doubt official communications had taken between members Messrs. Houmwes, Mcowpetra, O’ Morea, and CHAMBERLAIN, gave their reasons against the Cat; Sir G. Bowyer and Mr. Macartyry theirs for upholding it ; Sir R. Peet thought the Government conces- sions sufficient; Messrs. Biocar and O’Connor Power crowed excusably over the sudden conversion to their views of the Leader of Opposition. And then the Debate passed into the rest of the post- poned Clauses, but with occasional inroads of the Cat. It is evident that the animal is in his flurry. His last struggle is approaching. Between Irish obstruction, a Government in the last Session, and an Opposition on its preferment, what chance is there for When it comes, Requiescat in pace ! Wednesday.—The Bankruptcy Bill—the one h of the Session, after the Army Discipline Bill—talked out by Mr. Panwett. What praying for. It may be a step in the right direction. They oy it is. But it is such a little, timorous, sneaking, half-hearted, half-and-half step! The Bill speaks with such a doubtful sound against the rogueries and rasealities of insolvency as now practised, that Punch is not at all sure it might not be better to leave the matter entirely to the hands of a less flaccid and moribund Parliament. . Thursday (Lords Poy 8 to the saeage nas American meat and corn ¢ glish. 0, have, doubtless, good carrier’s reasons for it. Does Huwtiy i in the market at cost of car- riage? How would the lish farmers like that ? Commons.)—Mr. LowTHer made a bungling attempt to reconcile Lord "EM LY’s eieate ot at had between Roman-Catholic magnates and ernment swith Lord of the Irish Government im their individual capacity, and persons of different religions and polities.” , Jouw Butt may be a flat, but he is not flat enough to think Lord SEACONSPIELD likely to leave himself without a bolt-hole. On Report of Army Discipline Bill, Lord Hartmeton did his volte-face over the Cat, and was defeated on Division by 289 to 183. The Cat is a nasty beast; and the less we see of his claws on soldiers’ and sailors’ backs the better. Henceforward, it is to be hoped, we shall see so little, that even if the Cat survive, it will be more for terror than for torture. Punch does not like to see the tail of the Opposition w: its head in this way. The next thing we are likely to hear of the obnoxious animal will be its solemn interment—not with military honours. In the meantime, if it be true that you cannot keep the worst blackguards in order without the Cat, suppose we set ourselves oeeny to get rid of the blackguards, and of the necessary Cat with them. HOW WE DEBATE NOW —LEGISLATION IN EXCELSIS. Scene—Nor Billingsgate. Irreproachable and Imperial Government, Well, and what are os staring at now ? esponsible and Dignified Opposition. What am I staring at? What are you going to do with that there Bill ? Irreproachable and Imperial Government. What am I going to do with this here Bill? Pass it,—that’s what I’m going to do with it. Responsible and Dignified Opposition. Oh, you're going to pass it, are your irreproachable and Imperial Government (doggedly). Yes, I’m going to pass it. Responsible and Dignified Opposition (with irony). Oh, are you? With the Cat, I suppose ? Irreproachable and Imperial Government. Yes, with the Cat. ow t aie bey a ee like to know. esponsible a Jignified Opposition. Oh, the Cat ain’t nothing . 4 Oh, no, nothing all, of course! But, if you’re after keeping e Cat— Irreproachable and Imperial Government. Who said I was a-going ome the Cat ? tesponsible and Tignified Opposition. Who said you was a-going to keep the Cat ? Oh, you eald. nothing about it. Of course you didn’t! We ail know that, don’t we ? Irreproachable and Imperial Government. You séem to know a deal—you do! PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 26, 1879. Trreproachable and Imperial Government. Oh, you do, do you? You know all about the Cat ? — and Dignified Opposition, Yes, we do know all about e Cat. Irreproachable and Imperial Government. Oh, do you? Well, I’m going to drop the Cat—there! What do you say to that? Responsible and Dignified Opposition. What do I say to that? Well, you’re a nice ’un, you are! Irreproachable and Imperial Government. And you're another! Responsible and Dignified Opposition. Call yourself a Govern- ment’ Why, I’m ashamed of you! Irreproachable and Imperial Government. Shamed of yourself! A respectable Opposition indeed—a precious lot you are! Responsible and Dignified Opposition, A precious lot? And what are you ? y, you’re a low, grabbing, time-serving—— Irreproachable and Imperial Government (taking up a brickbat). Would you ? Yah!—get out with you! [And so the Bill is passed. OUR CLIMBING CONTRIBUTOR. (Letter continued. Boy arrived post haste at the Office, left the en- closed, gave a receipt for sixpence to the Clerk, who paid him on his own responsibility, and left hurriedly.) On the 17th instant I went up the Hippopotamus Head. I took a riend, with a telescope, who went with me as far as the ladder would reach, and who saw me ™ do it. » The sketch represents — eas hoy, Dep | and telescope Ow, an myself above ina perilous position—nothing when you’re used to it, =" ~ — swinging myse y a light rope attached to my javelin Alpine pole. The ‘* Javelin pine Stock,” round the corner, is an invention of my own. It is made like an arrow, only of course about six feet long and of the stoutest wood. This I throw upwards with sure aim, when the javelin point, s as a SSS ~6needle, and trempé in a certain sort of acid, which ‘bites ” on to the hardest substance, sticks into the rock, which, thencefor- 1 ward, affords a firm foun- Joy, ie yore —e a certain . “s ans ooting. en over @ Wn Clinrbiing oy cic! small pulley, fixed into ond Olid init a ae in the Alpine stock, 1 run the strin —_— one end of which I stall Ascent or THE Hipporotamvs Heap. agree Neg By rn (Sketch, with Artist's Signature.) the inch-rope by which 1 make my ascent, keeping one foot at a time always planted on some projecting Orage so as to steady myself while ovinging vom peat to point. N.B,—Travellers bound for a Climbing Continental Trip, should at once invest in these stocks. List of the market prices sent on application to the Office on receipt of four stamps. The flag-staff at the summit shows where I ultimately inscribed my name—the first—and took possession of the Hippopotamus Head in the name of Old England. The next morning we started at early dawn from a Moist Sugar mete, belonging to a wealthy friend of, mine, and mustered a party of six One white, myself; one brown, my friend; and four native ser- vants, as black as your go-to-meeting hat on Sundays. The four niggers scarcely count, as two blacks don’t make one white, nor four either. We had provided a rope two thousand feet long, thread, javelin- men carrying our alpenstocks, brass band, drum, and cymbals— but of course these do not count as climbers, though I managed to get Responsible and Dignified Opposition, Oh, do we? Well, deal or no deal, leastways we knows that. the man with the big drum up some considerable height, because I tt i a Gath Gh tetoh oe & & «Sch oe Com

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Jury 26, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 29 found the noise he could make was most useful in searing away the huge birds of prey that would otherwise have proved awkward cus- tomers to deal wi ’ Ut, amd aUadn’t do + ES Sxercu ov a “Gnryper,” on vary TALON-Tep VULTURE. (Signed by Artist. None genwine without this Signature.) Here is one I contrived to wing, and sketched to fly awa) which, (do you know the song ne of my own Keart wae am the sound I heard,” eh? Here’s a chance for som “ The } my own drum,” &c, More anon)—would have, deaf for life, dad, he at niggers ps raetlig B ta umbrellas over us rays of the early morning sun, XY i yg ekg tion was luxuriant to a t I have never seen equalled even in the Soathorn Tropics. Huge fallen trees, that had only succumbed to mountain tempest, lay in the way, like Giant Obstructionists. Sometimes a perfect thicket of them stood before us—unfelled, unfallen; another, we axed leave—and axed branches too—to bring in a bill which would settle the Giant Obstructionists completely. Like the celebrated “ Man from Datchet Who brought his hatchet,’ all our Fellers went to work, and by hook and by crook, by axe, ha , and bill, we made one grand trunk line in less time than it takes me to write five ordinary ones. Then we heard the shrill, clear note of the ciccaleri (pronounced as an Italian word—whence the insect originally comes) and the Hop- popenas, yg movements are so quick as to baffle all our attempts at catching it. HorroPonaxgs AT PLAY IN THE Lone Grass. (From a Sketch by our Special Artist.—Bigned.) Many a hearty laugh have we had as we tumbled over the rock ground, and went hend-over-besls over the stum and boulders in our vain attempts to secure one of these beautiful insects. After a thirty-mile walk we stopped for lunch, selecting a shady spot as free’ from white ants as was possible to find in’a place which was literally swarming with uliar to this wer of inflicting their eo a deadly —. It is difficult, of course, to know what irritates them, or when Ee REE eee Portrait or Biack Narive Uncie BITTEN BY A Waite Ant. the Good Spirit who i native imme- reogives Troy CE nuts, beads, and flour, and goes literally ‘ owelling a . i -~ . . . - . ~ ogise for sending any more to-day, as I have another A.» sixty fern feet to make before 10 P.M. ; and i boy with -bag, whom I am now lowering by a rope, does +3 : i” by nine, yes will , a get this ol gene A I have telegraph apparatus with me for communication with you, but we can’t a fix it. Aurevoir! Yours, still on the a> a AT CHISELHURST. (Saturday, July 12.) From thy Throne’s height and mother’s pride come down To this uncrownéd grief, and childless woe ; Place on her brave boy’s bier the violet crown, The only one it was his lot to know. Thy youngest daughter weeping at thy side. And thy four pemnesly sons to bear his pall! Of such a grief sympathy falls wide, And yet ’tis well our QuzEn should give her all. Engiend partakes the sorrow of her Query, ould whisper cheer to the reft mother’s heart, Stripped sudden of its one branch, straight and green, So fair of spring-tide leaf, so sound at heart. Little these English mourners think of thrones, Past or to come, or factions’ fierce debate ; No thoughts are theirs that harden hearts to stones, And poison wholesome sympathy with hate. Gather, grey skies of sorrow, o’er the gun _ That bears his bod to hie Sther's grove~ Unlooked-for goal of tase untimely run— And, Heaven, sustain that saw not meet to save. Etymological. From a Harrow Boy at Lord's. Bow.zp. A man is said to be bowled, from the Latin, ‘* quia non est cautus ’’—because he is not caught. Arms For AcricvLturists.—Plain living and high farming. J

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 26, 1879. ih, er TW i, | GH NAN iM UL * ’ it | ry \ { . ~xw | y 1 Sa | se Tg a ~~ \? Hh ma1.2™~ ~~ CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME. Tommy. “Waar peastty Wasre!” SOME “WHYS” OF WIMBLEDON, (As they occurred to a Contributor who has not got a Priz.) Wary is the Camp situated between two Railway Stations, and | near neither ? | Why must you, to get to your destination, either puff up a high | hill or pick your way over a rutty common ? ‘hy must you live in utter discomfort in a bell-tent with a lot of other fellows for a couple of showery weeks ? Why are you not supplied by the Government with either planks or heather ? Why is the Staff permitted to revel in boarding, carpets, elaborate furniture, and flower-gardens ? Why is the Members’ Camp permitted to assume the appearance of | a collection of Stock Exchange boudoirs ? Why are not the messing arrangements better managed ? Why are sisters, aunts, and cousins allowed to mince about in other fellows’ quarters ? Why are elderly females permitted to make a raree-show of a fellow’s camp-quarters ? Why is Major Surrn of Lloyd’s, or Captain Srooxs of Capel Court, countenanced in peacocking about in Levee uniform ? Why are Privates Brown, Jones, and Ropryson allowed to strut through the camp in two helmets, a wide awake, one tunic, two suits of dittos, oa a pair of plaid trousers between them ? Why is the shooting so badly managed ? M by is the marker laveriabty asleep when a fellow clearly makes a bull?’ Why does he just as invariably mistake other fellow’s misses for inners [ Why does one’s rifle, so good at practice, always go wrong when it comes to ae P Why do all the earwigs take my tent for a trysting-place ? _ Why is it always raining when I want it to be fair, and, scorch- ing hot when I'd give anything for a breath of cool air ? Why, after making up one’s mind never to come to Wimbledon again, does one always find oneself under canvas within half a mile of the windmill ? THE LUCKLESS “ YOUNG GENTLEMAN.” (Arrn—"' The Jully Young Waterman,’’) Anp did you not hear of that Inckless ‘‘ Young Gentleman,” Who at St. Stephen’s but lately did ply His pencil and paper with skill and dexterity, Till his sly toil caught the SuLLIVAN’s eye ? He looked so calm, and he worked so steadily, His Pitman’s Phonetics he marshalled so readily, And he eyed the debate with such business-like air, You ’d have sworn his proceedings were all square and fair. What sights of long speeches he heard in that gallery, So frothy, so fierce, and so foolish withal ! How his ears must have ached when the Home-Rule Circassians Gave the rein to their penchant for shindy and squall, For abuse and obstruction, for snapping and sneering, But a trifle to him was their jibing and jeering ; Not a rope’s-end for party or brogue did he care, His task was reporting them all square and fair. And yet but to see now how vay mf things happen! As he seribbled on thinking of nothing at all, He was spotted by SuLtivan, Power, and CaLLay, Who protisted, and sealehtaey Seaee such a brawl! ‘* Obnoxious and unprecedented Reporther !” The Shindyites yelled, and a world of hot-wather Was dashed o’er that Inckless “ Young Gentleman ” there, Mr, SpgxAKER’s note-taker so square and so fair! NEW INVENTION. “‘ Tae Tell-Tale Mariner’s Compass ”—evidently an invention for imposing some limit to the tales which are told to the Marines. A Sotrrary Excerrron.—The one Dog who hasn’t had his day this year—the Blue Skye.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—JvcLy

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“THE REMNANT OF AN ARMY!” (Wirn Mr, Puncn’s Compriments To Mrs. EvizaneTu Bourier, née Toompson. ‘ The curious eye will search through history or fiction in vain for any Pictur of this solitary survivor.” — History of our Own Times. Justin MAcanTuy. See Acapemy Catarocur, No. 582.) ol. I, e more thrilling with the suggestion of an awful catastrophe than that \\\ \ \ \\ \ wn \ ‘ |

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33 = Jury 26, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SIGHTS FOR THE SEASON, THE RESCUE OF BURNHAM BEECHES, Burnuam Beeches’ preservation Let us all, people, sing ; Praise to London’s Corporation : Glory to the City King! They already Epping Forest From the istine had saved To their er when need was sorest, Sch builders in had caved. Tree and bush, ’gainst bricks and mortar, Still, thank ‘Gog! shall hold their own, In their leafy woodland quarter Birds still build their nests alone. Deyads, » ed ae 8, sives, beron, Titania, Puck, Powers whose charge the wild wood’s scare is, Send the Common Council luck ! Round the Mace twine wreaths of myrtle, Aldermen with ivy crown, With a blessing may their turtle, Thick and clear, alike, go down! KATES in the iron- mongers’ shop- windows. Ladies going about in furs and waterproof garments. Soup - kitchens open in Leicester Square, and other centres of poorly populated dis- tricts. Letters in the newspapers re- commending len- tils as nutritious and _ palatable articles of food ; with directions for dressing them. Appeals from correspondents on behalt, of hos- pitals, asylums, and benevolent societies. Almanacs. Flights of field- fares and red- wings. Codfish oysters. none ° us \ fT ive GIT WO WOp, \ 90 -0~9 \ Ad . and fairies, They have saved from desecration Lovely wild and forest fair. Be perpetual, Corporation ! Live for ever, my Loxp Mayor! PROVERBIAL ACUTENESS, ‘“* Drovent never bred dearth in England,” says one old English proverb. ‘‘ It never rained flour in Eng- land,” avers another. Of these two opposite saws one is probably quite as sharp as the other. and Festoons of larks at the Poulterers’ and Fishmongers’. Pantomimes produced at the principal theatres. Holly and mistletoe. Roast beef, turkey, plum-pudding, ' | Hunt the Slipper. Blindman’s-Buff. eoiotinen. Curtovs Natural Poenomenon (durin ioe ee late Eton | The Compliments of the Season. Midsummer Cards. Many Happy New ey Harrow Match).—A Gosling producing two Duck's Years. gs! and mince-pie. HEELS “Come to look at if,” was F.-M, Puen’ xplana- THE VOLUNTEER BODY, AND THE REGULAR | tion ane te ER GS on spel” was uNcu’s curt explana SKELETON. | “Delighted to see you, Field-Marshal,” said the Colonel, with a ““Vuny fair shooting indeed,” observed H.R.H. the Duke, as he| | military salute, ‘I only wish there were more of us to look at. ‘*The more reason for making the most of you,” replied Puncn, loapgat tate into — tee —e the Cottage at W imbledon. | cheerily. “And now, Sir, what have you to show me?” we may say ‘Fair,’” returned the ‘* Well, Sir, there ’s the regimental band—one of the strongest in the British Army, who makes it a rule ho fervien, "Nearly forty, told.” “Very gi 7 Ee Poncu, “but you can’t drive off the ry A with a of music—unless you are a Highland Regiment with sepipes for your offensive weapons. What have you besides the band ? Well, here we are ourselyes—about thirty commissioned officers, real ll me es never to be too enthusiastic. **Come, we have had a few intervals of fine weather,” continued H. R.H., lifting his jovial beak out of a goblet of champagne-cup, “and so we can afford to be charitable. Not so many centres as usual, ,, taken all round, the practice has been decidedly Piet grumbled the Field-Marshal. ‘‘ There is one practice I think abominable. Look at those idiotic displays of furniture and jim- cracks—ugh ! fitter for ls’ boudoirs than soldiers’ tents! ” And the warrior scowled in in an unduly luxurious fashion, * Yes, I wish they would make up their minds to rough it a little more pap oy lh assented H.R.H, ‘‘I fear that Woolwich is not the only pl or self-indulgence. But, for all that, the Volunteers are not half a bad lot.” ** In these oa days we want them to be more than half good,” grumbled F.-M cu. ‘Anyway, I daresay my branch of the service will compare with yours—eh?” obeery — soemnd anything but at his ease. At this broad hint he ** After the Committee has done sitting, let us hope we shall get | things to-rights a little. And that reminds me that I have an | inspection. { am sure you will excuse me. Oneth will be waiting.” een will sta px og o me at Sir!” said F.-M. Puncn determined w |e mine, and I onan tp a distance if you please. factory condition.” “An as F,- who can sess theta ux self. You may follow me at trust I s . Puncn, setting spurs to his horse, cantered off. square of the —_ -Oneth. The officers were drawn up in full uniform to receive the Inspector. e direction of mo tents furnished | The gallant Onety- | ** The Onety-Oneth are old friends | find the regiment in a satis- | y, Sir, it won’t be my fault,” shouted H.R.H. nervously, | Half an hour’s ride carried the Head of the Army to the barrack- | ‘than Puncu believes him to be. Verb. backed ° up by as many non-coms.,” ans we want something more than that,” growled Puncu. ** Go on. ‘“* Well, we have fifty medically unfit or in hospital, and the officers’ servants and batsmen come to one as many more.” “* Confound,it, Sir,” interrupted the F.-M., impatiently, “‘ what ’s the use of them in the face of an enemy. Rive you nothing more to show me?” The Colonel looked very blank as he retired to consult with his officers. At last his face brightened as he advanced, and, with a cheerier tone, exc “ Sir, I am happy to say , have ans more to show you. Here, you! beng im up to be ins A number of Sergeants hurri away, and returned escorting a wil boy in a uniform evidently ae pprede too 7 for him. hd mylail omer me Ys pod meow yma - ** This is the great curiosi t, Sir—t rivate!”’ “Dear me!” exclaimed a” +, who had now joined the group, ** How is it that I did not see him when I inspected you a week ago Fw fact is, we only recruited him y y, Your Royal Hi penal ” said Powon, “ we had better return to Wimbledon—the Association Camp is a pleasanter sight than this.” ** Please, Sir, it isn’t my fault,” urged H.R “Never said it was,” returned Puncu. And, ‘hing in a bad temper, he said no more. But if Joun Buxe is as silent, he will prove himself more patient sap.

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OR THE LONDON CHARIV PUNCH, ARI. [Jory 26, 1879. —— SRT atid ih = = \ 1 —— \ | 4 * ; \ » » » » » », - CLOISTER COSTUMES! (SurraBLe For DevoTErs aNp Wert WEATHER. ) HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. For the Use of Visitors to Town in general, and Young Men from the Country in particular. pate STREET BAZAAR and MADAME TUSSAUD’S EXHIBITION.—We add the tter, because no one will wait for “‘T” if he has had no lunch, and wants to see as much as he can in a day or two. Baker Street Seam 0 pak ee ive of industry, including the Wax-works. An annual su entitles anyone to become a Fellow of Madame Tussavp’s. The amount of the subscription touches four figures, which is in itself a privilege, as the public is ordinarily requested tron’ the the ot the Norman x Lm e 0 and were personally ~ then their establishment on a the A into the shade, which is one ting | great Bank is nearly as old as the oldest of only a few figures up in a loft, and brings in but a scanty revenue to the Dean who receives a gratuity for exhibit. ing them. Unfortunately for the exhibi- tor’s perquisites, his visitors are not paying ones, as they generally contrive to come “‘with an order.” (This will save some time when we come to ** W”— han yor-ve and “‘O” Order.) The principal effigies at Baker Street are most hospitable to strangers, and entertain everyone, whether of distinction or without distinction. N.B. —A hint to the young Slybootses from the Country. It is 7A use wales at sh side door to see the Beauty, nat, Queen of Scots, or many of the young Ladi: of the establishment coming out after the Show is over; and any es billet-douz, whether accompanied b an or a bracelet, will be immodictely t BALLOONS. FF ay to have a balloon d yin Lond yee & do so. A iF tothe Be dw of the Club, ve Moet. oy ty and-sixpence for the first hour—shilling extra to the man, if taken—and for every quarter of an hour afterweris,» de- posit being paid in advance. The charge for one ascent is usually five shillings, depend- ing a great deal on where you want to go. There is no third class, e descent is ten shillings more. A traveller by this species of conveyance is not com any more by cab or train re tions, to return by the same conveyance, as, whem he arrives at his destination, he may, if he pleases, get out and w A favourite eucien fine weather, is to the Milk ch London visitors can refresh t a ves with milk fresh from the cow, and after inspect- ing the celebrated bull, ‘‘ Taurus,” as well known as Pav. Porren’s, th i. take a turn in the dockyard to see and Benes, by . to the Zodiacal ~ , > ire a good horoscope from one e attendants, and notice the architecture of the new Chateaux en Espagne, nd the Old Castles in the Air. If you take our advice you will let your balloon wait for you, an return as you came, It saves trouble, and thus you will have —_ a shappy, profitable, and a not uninstructi ~ BANKERS’ CLEARIN HOUSE.—En- trance at side door near the Bank. Here, at four o’clock every day, the ‘ Clearers,”’ as they are called, get rid of all the super- y cash and notes +7 would otherwise impede the circulation in the City. Second- pend eopensigns my Fam - ~~ and five-pound-n ve 0 been used once, are carted off in me Fm | my | ony + rf so much s et, by those w appen. be present Ko unreasonable offer is refused, - fact, the stock is really given away. proceeding is o is on the plan adopted by the utchers, fishmongers, and confectioners with the perishable articles at the end lof the day, and by Clubs with their used packs les. t It is simple laziness that prevents i. ~ with such a chance at hand, becoming a ionnaire in, at all events, a onal wey. Police are in attendance keep order, and the band of the Coldstream Guards plays every Saturday from two to four. THE BANK OF ENGLAND. — This cliffs, and used to be known as the Golden Sand Bank. It offers a home to its broken-down em yes under the name of ** Reduced Cunsols,” who - a sort of poor bedesmen, and wear ibition at the Abbey now consists | o >E Fe itt s 8 & +, 56 e a ze kind “¥ wn which Le made by fi e bing — 4 f Threadneedl Street. e 4 tt ee ae oa a. an

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35 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —3 ARTISTIC AMENITIES. Bellamy Brown (pictor ignotus) on a Picture by Rigby Robinson. ‘‘ Quite A PoEM ! DISTINCTLY PRECIOUS, BLESSED, SUBTILE, SIGNIFICANT, AND SUPREME!” Jordan Jones (to whom a Picture by R. Robinson is as a red rag to a bull, as B. B. knows), ‘‘Wuy, HANG IT, MAN, THE DrawinG’s VILE, THE COLOUR BEASTLY, THE COMPOSITION IDIOTIC, AND THE SuBJECT ABSURD!” Bellamy Brown. ‘‘ Aw, ALL WORKS OF THE HIGHEST GENIUS HAVE FAULTS OF THAT DESCRIPTION!” Jordan Jones. ‘‘HAVE THEY? A CHANCE FOR You, OLtp Man!” I’M GLAD TO HEAR IT, THEN, FOR THERE’S CRANBROOK TO HIS COUNTRYMEN, Tuey tell me the Liberal Party To turn out the Tories will seek ; That the Rads mean to rally round Harry, And oust us. I like their cool cheek ! But I trust that in manner explicit You'll tell the low cads it’s no go. When P smiles and your votes they solicit, My Countrymen, promptly say, ‘‘ No!” Poor Harty can sway them no longer ; By sub-gangway shouters he’s led ; gy me Pap eg nd soon wage e a We hold it in check for the t, But once we are forced to let go, The results will be deuced unpleasant. So, my Countrymen, stoutly say ‘‘ No!" Shun the Rads and their arts of seduction ! Just give them a hand on the helm, They will steer the State-ship to destruction, Fone. by Lt, t us Tories ? t you out us Tories Gian best work at a blow ? Shall they tarnish our newly-gilt glories ¢ My Countrymen, sternly say ‘“‘ No!” Trust them not! When they ’d lead you to ruin, And snu -suffering Turk, When they ’d bow to that base Northern Bruin, And duties im: shirk. Bid you cripple the Army and Navy— And then, +. to keep taxes low, Make Jom» Butt to his foes cry “ My Countrymen, bravely say ‘ Will you change the land-laws of the nation, And lay wicked hands on the Church *— i= ey hide it Ce segne-evemtation, at purpose you ’li sp you search. Will you see our dear Mother abolished ? The last feudal barriers laid low ; All the true Tory strongholds demolished ? My Countrymen, firmly say ‘“‘ No!” Turn a deaf ear to Liberal storming ! Nor listen when Radicals rave ! Don’t trust to their talk of reforming ! Don’t calculate what they would save! But show the low Radical party The tip of a stout Tory toe, And when they ’d swop Braxy for Harry, My Countrymen, loudly say “‘ No!” CM: o-_ LG LA >a . Se Se ee A Je ate, Ltththitdélédad SSAA QL, coavi *— ri) ! ” CONSISTENCY IN THE COMMONS. AttHoucH both Liberals and Conservatives should agree . on flogging in = fame and Nav ne? will still, it is supposed, retain their respective ips. Nobody has yet moved to abolish them. butchers are offered special facilities for keeping their ‘‘joint ac- counts.” The beg pe of the Ba: e = pore of puni refractory persons by placing them in the stocks. Visitors, anxious to — up something worth having, should look in at the Bank on “Transfer Days,” when all the money changes ds all round— the clerks take different seats for luck, what was in A.’s name is transferred to B.’s, and what was in B,’s to C.’s, and so backwards and forwards all day, the clerks casting up their ledgers and account-books, and catching them again, or catching somebody else’s. It is, indeed, a lively scene, and well calculated to excite the admiration of even the resident Londoner. On the first night of a new moon, all the officials turn their money. The Governor of the Bank is, however, necessarily a poor man, as though surrounded by coins of all sorts, he, as a loyal servant of Majesty’s Government, has only One Sovereign, which has to him, and remain unc ‘or years. On “ Bank Holidays” the Seating, and ev ing in it, is open to one. Games go on from ten to four, are mostly played with official counters. On these occasions the clerks wear suits of dittos, composed entirely of cheques. Go into the bank and take notes. By signing your name at the back of a note you constitute yourself a partner in the concern, and are at once entitled to a share of the profits, or three thousand a year for life. » is one peculiar department where all complainants are to—this is called ‘‘ the Bullyin’ Office.” Here the unfortunate person is bullied, and if he still insists on making objectionable remarks—about short change or a bad halfpenny, for example—he is at once accused of falsely storing, and placed in the stocks by order of the Governor of the Bank of England. What subsequently becomes of him is his own affair, as few ever live to tell the tale; but it is roy Gy ye that he is secretly handed over to the Master o the t, at the Tower, who, when the early b season is on, him into sauce, and so he disappears from society, and the best efforts of his ay 4 swe Rovagl . are Mysteries ‘of London—Reyno iscellany is probabl ; the ultimate fate of a Bank Annuitant stecngooren at He banks fer veors) Des ill t ravell ®. men iy Rig age Court suit requisite, in order to presen a ‘or our ordinary tailo suit, but it will be absolutely i yews qualifications for the rank of a rom several respectable tradesmen, to whom you

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| | | | ecclesiastical functionaries. | spot where St. Swithin’s shrine stood, and in front of it were de- | rang merry peals when the 36 PUNCH, OR THE Lf ably indebted for the kindness. If fond of literature, a heavy though not necessarily scientific book on the Derby, will be a suffi- cient qualification, though it will not entitle you to a decoration. An one once obtained, you can pass right through the Court, in at one door and out at the other, and see all the curiosities for a com- paratively small gratuity, as the system of ‘‘ No Fees” has not yet, we regret to say, been adopted at this establishment. ST. SWITHIN’S, 1879. a w Tuesday, the 15th, the anni- versary of Saint Swithin, the patron Saint of watery England, was observed with even more than ordinary interest and solemnity. At Winches- ter, of which city St. Swithin was bishop, and where he is buried — every schoolboy knows, or ought to know, the legend which is the foundation ’ of all meteorolo- gical science — the day was kept as a public holi- day. That pre- cious and vener- able relic, the Saint’s umbrella, was carried from its jewelled case on the shoulders of the Cathedral vergers, and hoisted on the Cathedral tower, in the presence of the Mayor and Corporation, the Dean and Chapter, the City and County Members, the Astronomer-Royal, the Council of the Meteorological Society, the Clerk of the Weather, and many other civil, military, and A procession was then formed to the Peas posited a barometer, an old-fashioned weather-house, the day’s Times, containing the weather-chart and forecast, and the latest telegrams from Valentia, Shields, Scilly, and other meteorological stations in the United Kingdom. A selection of appropriate music was performed on the organ, including the “* Hlaistone Chorus.” At the banguet which followed at night, the two toasts which have been given from time immemorial—‘‘ The Memory of St. Swithin”’ and ‘‘ The Weather ”’—were duly honoured. At Winchester, Worcester, Lincoln, and in other places where churches exist dedicated to St. Swithin, flags were hoisted on the weathercock by the Senior Churchwarden assisted by the Arch- deacon’s Apparitor. The bells of the Cathedral and all the churches in Winchester head verger ascended the tower at noon, and closed the umbrella—the welcome indication that the day | was fair. | The rain-gauges and the cones at Greenwich and all the principal | weather-stations were decorated with flowers. In the Metropolis the official inspection of the weather commenced immediately after midnight, and was anxiously continued, without | intermission, during the four-and-twenty hours. The summits of | the Duke of York’s column and the Monument were selected this | year as the posts of observation. The Lord Privy Seal and | the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster (having nothing else —ey to do) attended in their robes of office on behalf of the rown. At the Monument the Lord Mayor, who was assisted in his quarter-of-an-hourly registration by the Recorder and the Remembrancer, presided. Refreshments were supplied, and the choir sang “‘ The Rainy Day,” by Lonoretiow. As the day advanced, the betting on the Stock Exchange and at the Clubs was even on fair weather, and, later on, two to one was taken and offered. At nightfall the apartments of the Meteorological Society, and the offices of the Meteorological ment and the Tithe Commis- sioners—tithes having been established in England through St. in London without rain, the leading umbrella waterproof manu- INDON CHARIVARL [Jury 26, 1879. In consequence of favourable telegrams, joyous peals were again rung at Winchester at midnight. ‘The Saint’s umbrella was restored to its case by the Mayor and the Dean, amidst a blaze of fireworks, and the city then resumed its usual tranquillity. There were great rejoicings in the agricultural districts, and in several places an umbrella was burnt in effigy. SOMEBODY’S DIARY. Mowpay.—Having sent back Mr. Tromas Brooke, of Leeds, his contribution, and having deposited *‘ it’ in the hands of my bankers, felt no scruple in commencing my much-needed holiday. Before settling down to my much-required relaxation, thought I would take a little business-tour. Started accordingly. Arrived in Paris, and called upon MM. Grévy, Gampetta, and Marshal Macmanoy. Very unsatisfactory interviews. After all, who cares for the Grand Cordon of the Legion of Honour! Tuesday.— By unheard-of exertions reached Berlin. Visited Bismarck. The Prince was very civil, but thought that Lord BeaconsrreLp might feel offended if he (Bismarck) accepted my proposal. Learned incidentally that it is not the custom in Germany to appoint Englishmen Field-Marshals. It appears that no exception can be made to this rule. Wednesday.—Managed to reach Constantinople in time to see the Suttan. His Majesty was very gracious, but assured me that it was a point of nationality as well as religion with him to wear no head- covering except the fez. We talked about Egypt. It seems that the Great Powers will not permit Tewrrx to be depatedl in favour of an Englishman. This international jealousy is very narrow—not to say detrimental to the truest interests of Egypt. Thursday.—Again by unheard-of exertions reached St. Peters- burg just as the Czar was retiring to rest. Showed His Majesty a poesoreyn of it. ALtExanpeR declared it to be ‘‘ sweetly pretty,” yut explained that he was too much occupied with the schemes of the Nihilists just now to attend to saything else. His Majesty, however, very kindly offered me an appointment in Siberia. Pro- mised to take the matter into serious consideration, but fear that, accustomed as I am to the air of Leamington, the climate about Irkutsk would be too bracing for me. Friday.—By dint of extremely rapid travelling found myself in the capital of Denmark. Was introduced to a gentleman who de- scribed himself as the king of the country. My proposal was eagerly accepted, and I was begged to take the sovereignty of Sweden and Norway, and a large slice of Schleswig-Holstein. My Civil List was fixed at twoand a half millions sterling ; but just as we were coming conclusively to business, the gentleman was arrested by two keepers as an escaped lunatic. Subsequently called upon the King. His Majesty unfortunately was not at home. Saturday.—Once more by unheard-of exertions reached a French watering-place. Found three hundred and fourteen refusals waiting forme. Wrote to my bankers, begging them to continue to keep it pro tem. on their hands, and leaving Lord BeaconsFretp and my ul-requited endeavours to serve him, to a just, unbiassed, and dis- criminating British public, proceeded, without further correspond- ence, to the enjoyment of my much-needed holiday. Say the Antivivisectionists. In the name of humanity, truce to this wrangling! We'll have no more Cats either mangled or mangling. Your Surgeons’ Cats’ tortures don’t teach us a tittle ; And barrack-cats’ tortures avail just as little. Good Advertisement for a Rising Young Actor. (At his service for a Professional Paper.) Mr. Hane is fortunate in having secured the services of Mr. Trer- niss. We find in him that scarce article, a good jeune premier— rara avis in Terriss. [ Exit. THE JOKE OF THE CREAM. Ar the Kilburn Show, the first prize for Cream Cheese was taken by the Aylesbury Dairy Company. No doubt the Company’s Cheese was a sample of the créme de la créme. AMENDMENT oN IntsH Motron.—Vote that the Chairman report Progress. No. Vote that he report Obstruction. facturers forbore to light up their establishmen Swithin—were brilliantly illuminated. The = having passed off ta. Enoiann’s Trovsiesome Retations.—Her Foreign ones. £@ Jo Conzgsronpants.— The Bditor does not hold hinsef bound to acknowledge, return, of — Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a eneclope. stamped and directed ‘opres should be kept.

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GjAvausr 2, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. 37 The Leader of the Opposition. BACK-CASTS OF THE SEASON. Afraid we made a mistake about the Cat. Mr. What’s-his-name—ah, yes, to be sure—CHAMBERLAIN, is so very hard-mouthed in harness. And then, my ‘Right Honourable Friend” is such a jibber. Still, as Sir FrepericK Biount would say, ‘‘I don’t think it will do me any harm” in North- east Lancashire. The People’s William. Been very lazy of late. Must devote the entire recess to work up my arrears of correspondence, and with all those Articles for the Nineteenth Century hanging over my head. The Mammas. \mpossible to say 1 oa who is worth looking after in these amet Peel} ~ [terrible times, Rent-rolls are a Severe SEN ~~" “Sse [mere delusion. Woe are landed = ietors coming Painters. How the deuce do > a A a we're to keep up our ue P, of W. Really think | studios ? I have had enough of lay-| The Lord Mayor, Take it all ing foundation stones in I think I’ve done it at a very the rain, and openi te figure. And now I must bridges in the’ fog. And be extra economical until the 9th. now the Comédie’s The Opera Tmpresarii. That con- . gad by hoor one iM 7 Mn ood thi yo ones for a sea~ ‘anagers. Jolly g¢ hing FM. the Duke. Dia € HotimesueaD has made of it. Ii one thing, Showed that | we'd only stood in with him’ CaRDWELL's naughty| The pers, Never knew eme was all naughty | such a season. Nothing doing ex- nonsense, Lucky that| cept in umbrellas and waterproofs ! naughty South-African he Furmers. No season at all! business didn’t come to} Everything topsy-turvy, and Kil- naughty end before | burn topsy-turviest. a CHELMSFORD had time to cut out WorseLey, Now, mustibe off to drink the naughty waters. The Public. The worst on record! The Premier, , yes—might have been worse—between the Afghans and the Zulus, Saved | Tired of writing to the papers about the Cat and sold TuRNeRELLI. Not altogether disappointing, if not distinetly satisfactory. Must | it. look up my notes for the 9th. Some gilt still left on the gingerbread. And Mr. Punch. Bad weather, The Marquis. Still playing second fiddle, but we both have Garters. And J go down to dinner | bad news, and bad times! Heartily first. That’s always something. I must continue to dissemble. Suppose I shall have to ask him | glad it’s over! Let’s hope for better down to the country in the Autumn ? : uck in 1880, The Chancellor of the , Well perhaps, they were a little trying. So very difficult to know what to do with them. e doesn’t ii ¢ to be too positive, because, after all, one might be wrong. Still, I think that all those education oe must work soothingly. And I really don’t} Te present wet Summer is just see that anybody else has scored, if we haven’t. In the meanwhile, we’re rid of it all for the| the time for a General Election: it next six months. That’s a comfort. | would put all England under Canvas. PALACE OR PRISON ? QUESTION AND REPLY. My pear FRIEND, Dors England to the Prince ImperiAL owe For so I will take the liberty of calling you, in spite of the A oetes ’ Must Punch answer, Yes or No? purely business character of our peatenehie yes cannot imagine Let him rest as he rests, in statu quo, what a mistake you have made! Take my advice (no fee), and come Why beyond reason signs of woe extend ¢ over at once. This delightful air will do you a world of good. I am No subjects here to grace their sovereign bend. sure it is far more bracing than Boulogne. ' ‘ ; We reared, loved, grieved, wept, tombed: be there an end, Then the state and comfort combined of this palatial residence ! The rooms are simply ¢ ing. A most elegantly furnished suite of apartments—piano and all! My ‘“‘ Gaolers’”—I must have my little joke—are such agreeable fellows, brim-full of the pleasantest Par gossip! Then the view from the drawing-room is And claiming Art’s aid, with least need for Art, simply lovely! You cannot imagine how fine the river looks from Let Chiselhurst its mural marble part the House. The cuisine, too, is most recherché. I had no idea that Between the Father, Son, and Mother’s heart. the kitchen was so well m . It almost tempts one to go in for ‘ = — An ny It is = ent a a eorengunent, at east, are er surveillance of a ial Committee quite above bribery. Suppose you tried? Eh old man ? You must not mind Speed the Plough. my chaffing you. The comfort of this delicious little snuggery quite| A Waa, at a recent agricultural dinner, made an agreeable fool makes one chirpy ! of himself by proposing the toast and sentiment of ‘ Small Profits There is only one drawback—I am told that I shall have to go, | and Quick Keturns’”’—explaining that quick returns of rent by the willy-nilly, when the House rises. This will be a sad blow to me. | Landlord were needed to permit even small profits by the Farmer. I should enjoy a few months here enormously. In these hard times it is something to be put up rent-free in a fashionable neighbourhood, = re fees are really a mere bagatelle. Raison de plus that you THE HOUSE OF LATE HOURS. join me at once. ** So late to bed, and so late to rise Come, my good friend, come. Exchange the bad air of Boulogne "Tj shall do to vote the Supplies.” for the warm welcome of Westminster. And believe me Tes wean ¢ wis plies Yours sincerely, The Clock Tower, . Tue Man unpER THE Clock. Morro ror THE Wootwicu Monument To tae Parnce Imperiat. House of Commons. —* Cadet. Cecidit. Resurgat.” In Westminster, where we our great instal, With Sraney’s leave, he has no place at all : Woolwich that taught him may record his fall. = VOL, LXXVII,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 2, 1879.

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. St , Nee / oe hn : Wf? — GOOF” ’ a \ ) RR A ) (OS ) »»)) Yea" SMO OL SAMBAIVRVE. : y, FIMEL TU > so, vey. 2s " rye O Co tm fic Pa ta

in vain (Monday, July 21), Lord Set- BORNE called Spain over the coals for her broken treaties and violated laws in prohibition of Sla- very and the Slave Trade. There is no more hideous history, | no more damning guilt than that of the Spaniard in this matter. | Cuba is the slave-trader’s heaven and the negro’s hell, and the Don | his Devil. Lord Saispury could but admit the truth of Lord SeLsorye’s indictment, and argue that we should do more harm than good by | moving or meddling. ‘* Slave emancipation was a matter of time and conditions and precautions. It was only by restraining our- | selves that we could get rid of one of the greatest evils that ever disgraced humanity (‘common form’), and enable the Spanish Government to follow their own high-minded and humane instincts.” Oh! oh! It almost takes one’s breath away. Lord Sauissury can be bitterly and scornfully satirical; and this was an occasion to justify satire. But isn’t the irony of these last words almost too savage ? Lord GRanvVILLe said non-interference might be all very well, but how when we had treaties to found interference upon? In 1817, in consideration of £400,000 paid by England, Spain had entered into a solemn engagement to abolish Slavery in all her dominions from the end of |! Ever since she had been importing slaves into Cuba by hur f thousands. There was a debate now going on in the¥Spanish Chamberfon the subject of Slavery, and the Oppo- sition there was pressing the Government in the direction of Lord SeLBORNE’s speech and motion. Our Government might strengthen the Opposition’s hands. Our Government knows better. Lord BEACONSFIELD, after remarking that it was not wise to rest upon treaties, but rather upon private and friendly representations to foreign Governments, thus propounded his theory of spirited foreign policy in relation to treaty obligations :— “‘ They had taken every opportunity of binding foreign Govern- ments by treaty. They never contemplated that those treaties should be enforced as a matter of course if there were any apparent reluct- ance on the part of foreign powers to fulfil their engagements. They had trusted as much as they could to moral influence in order to gain their object.” Bravo, Lord B.! ‘‘ Moral influence’? has answered so admirably with the Turks. Why should it not work as well with the Spaniards? And so, no doubt, it will. One is quite proud to feel one’s own Government on such friendly terms with two such “ humane and high-minded ” Powers. Army Discipline and Regulation Bill read a Second Time, with goodspeeds from the two War Office Viscounts—Cransrook and CaRDWELL—who can hardly, one would think, feel quite comfortable about our Army just now. Lord GRANVILLE protested against the measure being considered as necessarily perfect on the points in controversy under it. Con- sidering its eed history, it would be ve: d if it were. Commons.)—Monday Popular Concert of Question and Answer. Inter alia, Sir Gzorce CampBeEtt had a curiosity to know where the money for the African War came from. Whereupon Sir StarrorD gave the House an instructive little lecture on the mysteries of the

|ER £842 a t..

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Aveust 2, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Exchequer, particularly the Treasury Chest Fund and its machinery of advances. ‘‘ Mighty pretty!” as Mr. Pepys would say, “‘ to see with what attention to forms Jonw Butt is bleeded !” In Supply, a |: Fair fight over the Irish Constabulary and Prison Vote, which lasted till four o’clock in the morning. But the ruction, though long, was not lively. Indeed, it was a redeemed from dulness by a batch of Irish reminiscences from’the Major. Talking of I d, he said, reminded him of South Africa :— “There were people sent out there to convert the natives. (An Hon. Member—Missionaries.) Yes, the missionaries. (Laughter.) They were sent out to convert those people, who had a very decent religion of their own if they were left to themselves. (Laughter.) These persons went to South Africa for no other pm to his certain Ree than to plunder. (Laughter.) One of them rushed into his Colonel’s tent one day, and said, ‘Sir, I want a commando.’ ‘What is a commando?’ said the Colonel. ‘a force of men.’ ‘ For what purpose?’ asked the Colonel. ‘To punish a chief.’ ‘For what reason—a flag of truce is flying?’ ‘Oh!’ said the Missionary, ‘a chief has stolen my horse.’ ‘Indeed!’ said the Colonel. ‘I shan’t give you a commando; but I will make full inquiries.’ He made full inquiries, and found the Missionary had stolen the chief's horse, and the chief had only got it back. That was precisely the case in Ireland. (Renewed laughter.)”’ Thank you, Major—very much thank you. Tuesday (Lords).—Army Discipline Bill passed. Lord WAVENEY vertured the not satisfied with an Army System which was disorganised by a little war. Shall we say, ‘‘ Audacious Lord Waveney!” or, “ Unrea- sonable country ? ”’ (Commons.)—Sir StaFForD NorTHCOTE moved that GrissELy and Wand, breakers of Privilege, attend at the Bar to-morrow. Sir W. Fraser asked how if they wouldn’t come ? aman said it would be better to wait and see if they came or not. Mr. WHITBREAD thought it was a pity Grissett and Warp had not been prosecu’ in an ordi court of law for trying to obtain money on false pretences. Sir Starrorp said there might be something in that, but still Privilege was Privilege, and a pretty Parliamentary plaything which Parliament ought not to let out of its own hands. Then Parliament proceeded to another branch of its Privileges—to talk out one of the three miserable survivors of the Session, the Banking Bill. A t unlimited Scotch Joint-Stock Bank having failed, and all but drag Scotland into ruin, a cry was raised for statutory limita- tion of liability. introdu The CHANCELLOR of the Excnrquer a pr duced a Bill which nobody quite liked, seeing that instead of providing a cheap and easy machinery to enable unlimited banks to be- come , With the consent of shareholders, it mixed itself up with difficult and disputed questions between English, Scotch, and Irish bankers. Now, Sir Starrorp is fain to drop the clause relatin to Scotch and Irish, Banks, and so leaves Scotland out of the Bil introduced to meet a Scotch catastrophe. ‘The backs of Scottish Members hereupon bristled up; Mr. Mackrnrosn moved the re- jection of the Bill, and the end of an afternoon’s squabble—not Irish, but Scotch, be it noted, and therefore presumably with reason on its side—was, that the Bill was talked out, and may find it hard to get its head above water again this Session, unless the Scotch Members can be sq Another duck’s egg to Sir Srarrorp’s score. In the evening oltting, Sir Cuarntes Ditxe put “ Peace with Honour” into plain English, showing what the Treaty of Berlin’s stipulations for Turkish Reforms and Rectification of Greek frontier had come to, and moving an Address to the QueEN to use her influence in procuring execution of the Reforms, and Rectification of the Frontier. eareene and undeniable truths could not have been better pu As all the world knows, Turkey has not taken a step towards re- form ; has not shown the least disposition to comply with the recom- mendations of the Treaty of Berlin for giving Greece a tenable frontier on the side of Epirus and Thessaly. Of all the Governments represented at Berlin, ours has been the slackest in pressing Turkey to execution of this latter part of the Treaty. Fr. URY moved, by ry of amendment, our gratification at what has been carried out of the Berlin Treaty, and our satisfaction at what is being done towards i Sir H. D. Woxrr, in seconding Mr, speech in su ~~ decen’ out the remainder. : Hansury, made a powerful yport of Sir C. Dike. The only thing to save Turkey tion. The best service we could do the Turks was ut on the screw, to tell her that she had come to the end of her er, and MUST out Treaty. The voice of a Wolf in — clothing with a vengeance ! Mr. GiapstonE spoke words of incontestable wisdom and demon- strable truth in support of Sir Cuartes Dike. The Motion did not imply censure of the Government: it had reference not to the past ld opinion that the country was | ||| LITERAL. ‘* ULLo, Brown, HOW ARE you?”—‘‘ VERY WELL, THANKS.” *“*How ARE you aT Home?’?— ‘**My Wire says I’m VERY Grumpy.” but to the future, and meant only that England would insist on the carrying out of the Treaty for the good of the people of Turkey and Greece. Turkey must be made to do the will of Europe. The more distinctly she was made to understand that, the better. Mr. Bourke tried to make a point of the inconsistency of the Liberal party, after their denunciations of the Berlin Treaty, now ressing for its execution. He denied, in the teeth of facts, that ingland had been lukewarm, or unfriendly to Greece. ‘There was no Government in Europe ready to force the decisions of the Congress on Turkey, so the best thing we could do was to mediate between Turks and Greeks, and get them to agree. The debate was adjourned. Of course the Amendment will be carried. that the facts of the case support the Motion. Wednesday.—A full House, to receive the Privilege-Breakers at the Bar. But first came the news of the Zulu defeat at Ulundi—about as good news as could be from this most unhallowed of wars, which the House has almost as little heart to cheer as the ee mel, Then the Bar was pulled out, and one of the Privilege-Breakers— not the worst—Wakrp—the Outrageous GrisseLi’s attorney, not Grisser the Outrageous—was marched in. It is a comfort, for once, to see an attorney suffering for his client, and the client, out of shot, ‘* cocking up snicks”’ at the House, through the telegraph-wire, Warp, ‘‘ grasping the Bar with both hands,” did penance in an explanation that explained nothing, and was led away by the Officer of the House to durance anything but vile, durance extremely snug That is as certain as

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40 PUNCH, OR THE IA INDON CHARIVARI. [Avausr 2, 1879,

and comfortable, in the House’s prison-cell at the base of the Clock Tower, till the end of the Session. Meanwhile— Wicked Guisseit has flown, And, safe at Boulogne, From across Gallic borders Wires back, “‘ Doctor's orders,” For health’s sake sent away, For health’s sake means to stay. For a victim if hard-up, House can lock WARD up, And so the House did. Punch’s comfort must be that for once the lawyer has got the worst of it— And that Warp is safely warded, By the House its Sergeant guarded, There, within his Clock-Tower prison, Doomed for breach that isn’t his’n, Till the Bession’s close to frizsle Lees for self than client Guissaun. Thursday e *e~ Camperdown called attention to the cost—*‘ loss,” he called it—of impeyvomente under the Artisans’ and Labourers’ Dwelling Act, 1875 ! we keep the ‘machinery of compensation, we must take the consequences. The Artiaans’ Dwelling Act is like the Education Act. It can’t be worked so cheap as we might wish; but the money spent on it is probably among our best spent. Lord CaMPpmapowN talks of putting over-crowding clauses of the Nuisances Removal Act an | into foreewhich means turning out the lodgers of overcro bm gone more overerowding or of leaving the altogether. Better pay twice as dear for improvements under the Artisans’ and Lebeuray Dwelling Act. But the compensation machinery wants overha . Commone.)—Sir Starrord kn under to the Members. The Banks of all the three kin are to have the power of t ends well.” e right caine Se liability. ‘ All’s result, but limply and limpingly Sir StarrorD, as but is too often the case with you, when the t result is reached all. Why not have begun where you have and waste of time?’ Was it that you Lewy y 4 your ability— squeese-ability ? The Session has us enough of that already. Second of Irish University Bill. As Punch, an body with brains in head foresaw, Go- vernment means to put money in it. Not yet in the shape of pay- ment by results, or endowment, but that may dome. At present they will bind themselves only to payments for University Examin- ation-rooms, Library, Scholarships, Fellowships, &c. . The Irish Members wavering—*‘ | I dare not wait upon I would.” It will end in their taking t is offered them, and then asking for more, and, very probably, getting it. For once there seems to be a chance of something like a truce to the long and bitter Irish faction-fight in the school-room. , : Punch has not wished such hearty good-speed to any Irish Bill since Lord BEACONSFIELD came in, as to that for appropriating a million and a half of the Irish Church Surplus to the better payment of the Irish National School-Masters. he sees no suflicient reason. why some more of the same Surplus should not go to meet the cost of an Irish Roman-Catholic University. Friday (Lords).—Lord SrratHnaran by a bold change of front converted his long-threatened attack on the conduct of the Zulu War to a slashing onslaught on the Short-service system. His Lordship’s lace is the Witness’ chair before the Army Committee’ now sitting. ‘here his very strong opinions can be placed on record, sifted, weighed, and put to profit by the Commission. In the House o: is denunciation can tend to nothing but public alarm and discomfort. (Commons, Mornéng.)—Sesend Reading of the Bill for Lending India Two Miilions without interest towards the cost of the Afghan War. This bad way of paying a new debt has the distinction of pleasing nobody. Messrs. GLApstonge, Fawcett, Larye, Carpers, Grant Dorr, Hvssarp and Goscney, Sir J. Lunpocn, Sir G. Campngct, Sir G. Batrovr, and Sir A. Harraa, about as different men and different minds as could be got together, all agreed in condemning the financial operation legali by the Bill. It is not a frank acceptance by England of the cost of an Imperial War. It hasn’t the grace of a gift. It does not carry with it the wholesome restraints and burdens of a loan. It is less than England ought to give towards defraying the cost of a war which was waged for Beaconafieldian reasons, and seems likely to result in Beaconsfieldian benefits to India—an extra-burden of hill-tribes on our hands; an extra-allowance to the Ameer; an extra-force of some ten or twelve regiments; an extra-outlay of a million; and all for an extra-phrase—“ A Scientific Frontier.” The House showed pretty clearly its opinion of the operation by at the cost of | _ In the evening the House, on the Motion of Sir E. Wiimor, went into the case of Epmunp Gatiey, found guilty, there seems the strongest reason to think, on insufficient evidence, of a murder at Exeter in 1836, and saved from the halter mainly by the exertions of the present Lord Chief Justice and the late Sir Montacusr Smitu, then Junior Counsel on the Western Cireuit. All Home Secretaries since then have refused to re-open the case. Mr. Lowe so declined when he was Home Secretary, and now he and Mr. Cross both object to declare the innocence of the man, who, there seems every reason to believe, has been wrongfully found guilty. ** Que diable allez-vous faire dans cette Galére?”’ Mr. Low® asks the House, ‘‘ When I declined to open! the! case, how dare you ?” ** Fiat Justitia ruat Robertus,” answers the House. Cross says ditto to Lows. But the House, respecting Home es and Judges much, respects Justice more, and peremptorily insists on recommend- ing Epmunp Garter for free pardon. It yields so far to official sus- ceptibilities as not to add a categorical assertion of hisinnocence. This may be taken as proclaimed last night’s Debate, in which the House carried the Home Office by storm. Such cases as GALLEY’s, it is to be hoped, are not likely to be so common as to make the precedent a dangerous one.

WONDERS OF THE SEA-SIDE. eR *\ Y . gyt by One +N c\ \,* » who Won- \ HA | 1

7 <i Ge : HAY i Al (aT a i NO Wey st week. WonDER ef whatonearth made me take my wife and ~ children out % of — in ‘ such’positive- ly disgusting weather as

a po getting ‘‘on the front,” and paying double the price for Wonder why I thought a look-out on the harbour ina drizzling fog would be so very lively ? Wonder, while | was about it, why I didn’t wait until November, and put up for a month in the East India Docks ? onder when the rain is going to stop P—just for five minutes. Wonder what is the good of the band playing as if nothing were the matter ? Wonder how they can all walk about without umbrellas, in the =e uniform of dragoon colonels, and not knock-up with rheum- atism Wonder whether ‘‘ a two hours’ trip for be tee in the fast sailing and commodious pleasure yacht, Duchess of Edinburgh,” in a Stygian gloom, would be a lively ing ? onder, when the sea looks like cold pea-soup, whether the fish would even see their way to a little trawling if they had a chance ? Wonder who the hopeless fools are who well bathe P Wonder what the children are getting out of Ls | shut up twelve hours in the twenty-four in a stuffy drawing-room 4 Wonder how the people in the dining-room like parlour-ericket, with Th scoring, over their heads continually from nine A.M. to set sun Wonder whether they regard as a set-off the privilege of being offered stale prawns every quarter of an hour? Wonder whether the owners of the two-and-forty empty houses on the Parade find things generally paying? Wonder whether it will pay me to stay here another day ? Wonder, if I can onl off to-morrow, whether I shall ever be induced to visit St. Swithin’s-on-Sea again, except as a

giving the Government a majority of no more than 12 for Secon teading—137 to 125.

and irresponsible lunatic ?

Ben Sara Benj Sara. Benji Sarai

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Avavst 2, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAI 41 IVAR I. COSTUME AND COIFFURE A LA GRENOUILLE, APPROPRIATE TO THE WET WEATHER, TWO IDOLS. (An Alexandrine Idyl.) [It has been stated that, before returning to Paris, Mile. SARAH Bern. HARDT received from Lord BraconsrigLp a commission to execute his bust.] Sarah, Milord, you honour me! Benjamin, Fair Sculptress, say not so! The Sun receives not light, nor Genius honour! No; Its réle is to impart. Sarah (aside). ieux blagueur ! (Aloud.) Ah! Milord, Genius so opulent as yours may then afford Some rays on me to waste ; and, in your climate dun,— All that there is of triste, where man ne’er sees the Sun,— How trebly welcome such illumination ! Benjamin. Aye! This dull, damp, dingy land, isle of the inky sky And sempiternal shower, to you must surely be As Hades’ sombre gloom to poor Persephone. Surah. Yes, but here Plutus reigns, not Pluto! Benjamin, Very true! Our clouds are dense and dark, they shut out Heayen’s own ue, Yet are Oe lined with gold, and rain a Daniie’s shower . _ Os ene o learn the trick of winning praise. Saran, You sway the dullards well! Benjamin. Al You came, saw, and were seen, Or power. g-learned part I play, conquered. or a day. ;.my Lat was not small, ou éall I think, ra Well, the day’s wage is py triumph mon: ours in wha Idan Aut ty wale etc 8 Cc or can 6, DU ve Benjamin, At aught that is the rage . ~ Sarah, _ Ah! great is will! Benjamin, Makes itself felt in As we are—you and I. Yet greater race. Its mastery d all, in Art, in power, in pelf. Witness Racuet and you, the Rornscuiips, and—myself. Sarah, Racnet! An Artist, too, mais tant soit peu grossicre ! _ Would she have witched your London ? Benjamin. Une demande en Tair ! = Sarah. She could act, but she could not paint, nor sculp. 1 trust Milord will be content when he beholds the bust. Benjamin. (‘a va sans dire ! Sarah. Ah, no! Well done ’twould make a third— How few could take that place, and not appear absurd—_ With those we late invoked, your SHAKSPEARR, our MOLIERE, In Alexandrines by young Aicanp hailed. To share His fame, by help o . Benjamin. pardon me, you know In English those same Alexandrines will not flow. tic, stiff of joint, not e’en your magic tongue em musical on said or sung. Sarah. Non? Well, perhaps a wreath — Benjamin (h . Wreath me ho wreaths henceforth! Sarah (aside). Methinks the Earl grows hot. How have I galled him? (Alowd.) Ah! the laurel Cesar wore—— Benjamin. He had no Tunneretii—blind and blatant bore! Applause is turned to shame by such fool-lips out-bawled. No: ee seh not like great Junius, bald. r bay-be Sarah (astde). Ahal j’y suis ; the Ko ee Earl Is proud of his black looks and frontal corymb-cur!l ; : They are not vain, these men! (Alowd.) Milord, Hyperion’s brow, Needs not the bays indeed. : Benjamin (oadly). More like a Welsh wig now. Once, in the D’Orsay days, e’en Sanan’s chisel,—tush ! The Circe of Comédiennes I fear will blush At senile vanity, though retrospective,— Sarah. Nay, Genius knows not age. jamin, Well, what did Grapsronr say ? His age is his pet theme, after the Greeks and Turks. I hear he you, and Warmly praised your works. Faney that bilious Nestor ¢oaxing you, ma chére,— ” pale d’ Ariel que 04 flottante dans lair” ! Sarah, Quel bon vieiliard ! Le on and so prosy! No! He is not of our kin, we are kin! Benjamin. Just so. Race links such souls more than mere nationality— That accident of place—we share our fate and quality ; Hated while idolised—the doom of all that rule— The envy of the prig, the wonder of the fool. Kin? Me they call poseur and you poseuse / Sarah, What then ? Are we not proof ’gainst mots whilst we may master men ? Spite is stupidity’s blind tribute paid to wit : e more you wrest from fate, the more you earn of it. Success ’s surest proof. Benjamin. Sarah, And yours ? Benjamin, I pray you name it not. Your earnings must be large. Nor praise nor blame strikes through the cynic targe. Age gilds achievement. Sarah. Ah! I fear my bust must fail, Without the laurel wreath to tell your triumph’s tale. Benjamin. Nay, an you love me, nay ! \ ees the cap-and-bells ! Sarah. Vrai! Well, farewell, Mil Ah! saddest of farewells ! Benjamin (with effusion), y [ Exeunt severally, smiling mysteriously. ‘*Eques,” if Ever there was One, Wuene is the hero ever earned his spurs by service in the field better than ArcurpaLp Forses by his fifteen hours’ ride with the news of the victory of Ulundi? After such a gallop he deserves to be Knight of the Bath—if only by perspiration. Horace Adapted. (For 7.7. By B. D.) Garrvtas abstrudo adulationes ; Displicent auro et foliis corone : Mitte sectari rubra quo locorum /éra morantur. Simplici lauro nihil adlabores — Tracy mi, euro: neque me ministrum Dedecet laurus neque te i omnes Risum adhibentem. Insanity In Excetsis.—Sky clouded, with a few lucid intervals. _—s

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. “WHERE THERE’S A WILL THERE’S A WAY.” (A GARDEN PARTY, JULY, 1879.) Shure we ’re both on the same lay, INJURED INNOCENTS. The O' Gorman loquitur. Ocu! shure thin, Padishah, I rispict ye! Here’s my paw! ’Tis injured men we are, bedad! the pair of us. Know me, the great O’GorRMAN, The sworn foe of Saxon-Norman, Mongrels base who at St. Stephen’s raise the hair of us. **Padishah!” I’m glad to hear A name, which on the ear, Of the descendants of Boroo, like an Irish echo falls. And tells of ties of blood, That bound us, ’ere the flood Floated families asunder, outside Noan’s wooden walls. Shure if both are sore opprist, Both are divils to resist, And thin the tyrants charge us wid Obsthruction ! By the bones of swate St. Bridget, But we’ll put them in a fidget. Tache us manners?’ Tache their grandams ovisuction ! Is it manners? Ah—bedad! ’Tis our game to make thim mad. Matched with Parwett Io’s gadfly was a thrifle. And, the foe to sting and hunt, It’s O'Gorman to the front, When the Saxons dare debate to thry and stifle. There ’s Bragar past a joke, And there’s PARNELL can up-poke The House till it bates Donnybrook for shindy. Och! the fun to see them squarin’ Up to look like never carin’, Whin it’s mad they are to pitch us out o’ windy. Though we take a different way ; Pigs, the erathurs, squat or squall when druy to slaughter. You squat; ’tis us that squall : But your squatting floors them all, And our squalling keeps St. Stephen’s in hot wather. Arcades ambo! Throth. We’ll thranslate it, ‘‘ Porkers both,”— If ye’ll pardon the unsavoury allusion. From potheen I fear ye’d shrink, Or meself to you would dhrink, To *‘ Obsthruction, and the Oppressor’s swift confusion !”’ A PUNCH AND BULL FIGHT. Iw a column of local intelligence, and a police report, you will find these words :— “ Punca took out a cross-summons against Buu for assault, and this was also dismissed, the Mayor remarking that there appeared to have been a quarrel between them, and they fought it out.” There are, possibly, news-readers—north of the Tweed, in par- ticular—who, should the foregoing statement perchance have met their eyes, may have misunderstood it. For their information it may be needful to explain that the Puncn above mentioned is a Mr. ALsert Punen, a gentleman residing at Newport, in the Isle of Wight, and the Burt between whom and Ponca there appeared to the Mayor (of that borough) to have been a quarrel, a Mr. Maurice Burt, Mr. Atsert Puncn’s neighbour. Some words having taken place between them, and each having declared himself as good a man as the other, a bout of fisticuffs occurred, and they fought for ten minutes, ‘‘ complainant,” Mr. But, “‘ believing,” as he said, “that he himself struck the first blow.” Let nobody, therefore, imagine, or pretend to say, that oo age | has happened so unnatural, monstrous, prodigious, portentous, ridiculous, and absurd as a quarrel and a fight between Punch and Jonw BULL. Epison Ovrpone.—Make Light of the Rain-water.

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? 2 wwe eye SBP FP SS ee ce ce

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—<Aveusr 2, 1879.

Y Vis 4 Yd, artis {, a a PY, VEZ ly, 0, S| Yj 4 VAS) (ibd adhe y - JAF Age 7 , ‘i v 7 gta "4, Zr Y ‘A/ BA Lo Mf, / tA wz MID A rors 7 “et Oa Fa r 4 - LA“ a, “Yj _ ew oa FUTILE EEE COOL LTA ae P ZZ Zi <— - ee A. My ff, - tra ae SFe \ NK \ N \ ‘ N \\ \\S \ ys W i a \ “gird (ANS ‘ NIAAA SX ‘ ‘ ) \ i LY We Hi WA | | {) | HA i his vil a) } INJURED INNOCENTS! Tae Major. “SURE I’M MEEJOR O’GORRMAN, AND YOU’RE PADISHAW! WE SHOULD BE BLOOD RELA- TIONS. ANY WAY WE’RE BOTH MIMBERS OF, OPPRESSED RACES ; CALL US OBSTHRUCTIONISTS !!'” AND WHEN WE STHRUGGLE THEY

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| Avousr 2, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 45 OUR CLIMBING CONTRIBUTOR. We now descended to the first ravine, and entered the Vallée des | Huitres, where there are still a few natives living a quiet dreamy sort of life in this secluded spot. Their chief was an old Meg ASKING MY WAY oF A NATIve IN THE ARID PLAIN, View or Nicgutcap RANGE IN THE DISTANCE, (No Picture genuine unless Signed by Our Own Young Master.) Musselman, who rose from his bed to welcome us, while his followers made the Whelksin (the local name for the valley) ring with their hearty cheer. While we rested for luncheon, the natives danced a ag accompanying themselves on the bivalve, a sort of con- “int the distance I saw, with a beating heart, the conical summit of Needle Point, beyond the Night- cap Range, which had hitherto defied all endeavours to reach it, and the most adventurous climbers had paid for their temerity with their lives. Having ascertained the est route from a polite Darky, whose black curly pate was suggestive of an g rather than being poll light—(N.B.— It’s a poor heart that never —— donned my spiked and accompanied by my friend ‘with telescope and um- lia, six natives with provi- sions, and a man with a drum, = started on our perilous "hh was a splendid coup @ail from the top. My friend with the telescope, who is the father of a large family, wouldn’t , accompany me, butt ’e man with the drum did, and played very well. ‘he native servants sneaked off, ** Ah, Monsieur,” -/ they said, ‘‘ vous é tes si brave, si st ~ fort, mais nous avons peur !’ and off they went, all, except a faithful Pole whom I take with me e where. I send you my Diary, made on the spot, and kept fresh as new butter from oe diary—I mean , of cou 1 P.u.—U ~ Holdin by a made f grass Foot ee in cleft. a below, beating hard to in flies away. e can’t come any higher. Friend, father of a family, with telescope, on the first pistess, two thousand feet beneath, looking up and calling out, “‘ Go Stick to it!” (The air is so rarefied, the voice travels and reaches me distinctly.) My penitovs Ascent or Neepue- POINT PRAK, ILLUSTRATING THE Awrvt MoMENT WHEN, IN GOING vp, I Lost my SHor, AND, IN COMING DowN, I Lost my Har. 2 v.m.—I fancy I see in the distance a stranger sketching, 1 am not sure. No, he has disap: 2°30.—Up again. Nearing the "point. Holding on by a tuft of sun-dried rotten grass. To my horror I feel it giving way! It slips —it is coming away—slowly but surely—and my fate is sealed !— (I have just time to enter remarks in my diary, holding the eet in my mouth - —I make another frantic effort—the rocky point neath me crumbles away, and I am left holding on by a mere hair’s-breadth of , with my toe on the oe + a flint that has fortunately embedded ed itself in the face of the rock My friend below, the father of a family, with he telescope, sin, sings out, “‘ Now then, butterfingers!” I have known him from chil hood, but.shall never speak to him again. In ‘another second I throw “the rope I have brought with me round het aseiand We — the noose slips over the top—I tighten it, pull it towalies ie, See as the blade of comes right away, and the into the face o — I launch myself into ma and with an impetus which Trapezist can ita swing to the highest point of , and plant the hion Jack on the summit! 3 p.m.—Certain I see a 5. mY I’m sure it’s for the Graphic. Shall descend, ore him. Send this on b Eivete a return - I ‘think ; but will - ress—init ti) t except si _ “ZL. 8S. D-idit, drawdit, and datorromt” - ices 3°30.—Comin down the fin ba 4°30. —Astived in the gy man with big drum, who BY. le twelve thousand feet ee the level of oruin gee, making 6 noise to keep off the birds. ust go u 5°30.—He’s “nt tight tie aniston © the drum as a weather- signal, an invention the Government are going to provide for him where he a Wy a most elevated position, So that’s all right, and no more at present, Yours, 1,8, D, Note from Climbing Contributor to Editor.—Please give the Ber = brings this a shilling. B\4 ® wete unfortunately out when the et-r But we can’t make out who sent the message. Must be be cautious. far as We can understand our 0.0,’s ey ny he has left the cae th ee wherever it was, and is on his road to Scotland. If this let him communicate direct. But don’t send boys.—Ep.] ae quite forgot the HARD WEATHER FOR HAY-MAKING, (A Clodhopper’s Carol.) Wen aly one hard water chap to cart co. ir a ayn as sooted the time o’ ne. year, Such a sazun for wet, pretty nigh, as this here. Take time by the forelock, as saith the wise man, And, my bucks, while the sun make hay when you can, ’A do still shine at times po yk Ly in a way; Then you look sharp , and set makun your hay. Sens ww ur as much as five minnw ata wi’ ’un shin ty ~ ines, gan sunshine but last, aTPaey He an ow, un hay W y work you'll fae thal, Je Dal Te jb iodo" wf the Wn aly with Sh th aay Te In the way we be told how that vorreners makes Theirn, by hoistin’ to upon ¢ yee and ey stakes, Which, if sapluns enoug ood but rise To our hands at the word Pa wise. Here we he p= mapper be at the close o’ July. Wes raps carry somewhen in y Bem bimeby, At laist ay ay harvust is most years all done, Our carn, too, let’s hope for to rip in the sun, R e and whate, wutts, and barley, at op. oh for to store wixt now an November, or laistways Father Christmas comes round, if as rk wn y severe, Comun twice, ye med say, this terreeable year, 7 oa 99 Intelligence.” — t ee ate tem to canale @ rat he moves a Resolution to A Qurestionant® Heapine.—" Parliamentary Can a House which suffers itself to be Obstructive Home-Rulers be inte’ - to take anything - ¢. his _—*" ascertain the sense of the House ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avausr 2, 1879. AMALY Wh i/ \) DIAGNOSIS. rival Conductor with inflamed visage, in the cowrse of recrimination). * I B’LIEVE YER MoTHEeR MUST ’A NU’SSED YER FOR A MONTH UPSIDE DOWN!” HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. Being an Improvement on the Dickensian Dickensionary. BARGAINS.—The greatest Bar-gains are made by the Landlords of Public Houses and Leading Counsel at Westminster and Lincoln’s Inn. uch of the Bar-gains at the publics is made out of Rum Customers. Al] shopkeepers are open to bargaining, but the wary visitor to town must keep his eye open and his kets too. Always go about in a coat with large Go ‘kets. When you see something marked up at ‘‘ Two-Ten, a Real Bargain!” mark it down. in for it. Insist on having it, whatever itis. Have it out of the window, whether it be a four-post bedstead, a barouche, a handsome fur mantle, or a set of fire-irons. Recollect that a trial is always allowed. If they won’t move the bedstead, insist on trying it in the window ; if a barouche, get a horse and harness on trial, and go out foradrive. The best way is to begin with this and call for the other things. Possession is nine points of the law, an onee you’ve got them you can make your own bargain about ‘giving them up again. Perhaps after this some of the tradesmen may wish you to have a further trial, in which case leave for the Continent by the night-mail. Things are cheaper abroad. In all cases, when you buy anything and don’t pay for it, take it with you. ould the shopkeeper ask for name and address, give him the very best one you can think of. At a Confectioner’s (see ‘‘C,” Confee- tioner), always bargain for Buns (see ‘‘ B,” for Buns). If you can’t afford a penny for a whole bun, only eat half, for which, ac- cording to all arithmetical rules, you will only have to pay a halfpenny. They can’t force you to eat the other half of the bun, and, evidently, there is no law that can compel you to pay for what you haven't had, ‘Time bargains” are made on the Stock Exchange where Time is money. On ’Change nothing is more common than to hear one Broker say to another, ‘‘ I want some change for two minutes,” with the reply, ‘‘ you shall have it in three seconds,’ — which offer the Time Bargainer can close with or not as he likes. BATHS.—The Baths of London are chiefly at Bayswater. Hence the name. This is the most verdant spot in the Metro- — commonly called Green Bays-water. seautiful water for rowing-matches. Ask any waterman on a cab-rank about ‘‘ Bays- water Rowed,’”’ and you’ ll obtain all par- ticulars. As the effect of Turkish Baths is to make you very ‘hungry afterwards, and ready to tuck in at pom? Pon they are often known as ‘‘ The Tuckish Baths.” In some of these establishments (connected with the Colney Hatch Society) they practise the 3ath Bun Cure. The patient provides him- self with a bun, and eats it when in the Bath. It is supposed to be a Cure for Bath Bunions.—{Vide Pilgrim’s Progress.) BEEFSTEAK CLUB.—One of the most elegant, if not the most elegant, of the many picturesque buildings of the Metropolis, situated in King William Street, so called after WILLIAM the Conqueror, who was the original Founder of the Club. ‘‘ Now,’’ said the Norman Duke, in his quaint old French style, wishing to conciliate the conquered race, ‘let who will have their stake in the country, I will have my steak in town.” The windows are all ails de beuf: the general character of the architecture is Short-hornamental Gothic. Its doors are all fastened with bul-locks; and the ancient song of the Club is— * Heifer of thee fondly I’m dreaming, Thy tender heart my spirit shall cheer.” The election is by ballot, and one bull’s- eye excludes. The only soup allowed here is what is known in the City as “ Bully ;” and when the waiter serves it to any mem- ber, he says, ‘‘ Bully for you, Sir.” The Dining-Room is hung with Bull’s- Eye Lanterns. No Ladies were ever allowed to belong to the Steaks, and therefore there have never been any Miss Steaks in the selection of members. The Steak is a Cosmopolitan Institution, and though pecu- liarly British in its tastes, yet the members might have considered the eminent French Republican, M. Grévy, as at all events nominally qualified for the Presidency of the Steaks. Nothing is allowed on the table of the Beefsteak Club except what- ever can be drunk out of at least a spoon, or eaten with or without a knife and fork. The members wear a peculiar sort of coat with ox-ide of silver buttons, and make themselves known to one another by certain signs which only the initiated understand. Army Discrptoxe Brix (Foxat Issve).— Toss up—Heads or Tails ?

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Aveust 2, 1879.) ~~ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. r'-: Ter y ~ = — a — _— » fm —- Q —~ NOT SUCH DISAGREEABLE WEATHER FOR THE HAYMAKERS AS SOME PEOPLE THINK. THE CAPTIVE OF THE COMMONS! (From Mr. Witt1am Harrison Bunswortn’s nezrt Historical Romance.) BOOK X.—CHAPTER XXX., AND LAST. The Cell in the Clock- Tower. As twilight deepened into night in the gloomy passages of the House of Commons, a few days after the events recorded in our last Chapter, two cloaked figures, one of advanced years, the other in the prime of soldierly manhood, might have been indistinctly seen pacing the cloak-room corridor with measured steps. ‘Is all prepared for his safe custody ’” asked the elder of the two. He wore knee-breeches and a sword, and upon his usually cheerful countenance there rested an expression of settled gloom. ** Even so, Sir Sergeant-at-Arms,” was the prompt reply. ‘‘ The Clock-Tower cell, prepared last Session for defiant Home-Kulers, has been newly whitewashed, and the homely furniture cleaned and ooked to.’ “T trust chains will be unnecessary!’’ murmured the kind- hearted Sergeant. ‘‘And how about his board? It would be uncourteous to let him starve.” @ younger man pondered a moment ere he replied, “Is not the Dining-Room of the Commons near at hand? I will =e take him the bill of fare daily so long as he is in your custody. ‘Thanks, boy!” the other had hardly time to mutter in acknow- ledgment of the kindly offer, ere he was summoned by a richly- liveried Messenger of the Parliament to do the Speaker’s bidding. * > * Half-an-hour afterwards a melanchol way through the intricacies of the Palace. heavily-ironed door. ‘* Enter here—it is your new home,” said the grey-wigged Sergeant, bursting into tears. ‘‘ Believe me, Sir, my duty is a painful one.” The Prisoner, with a haughty inclination of the head, entered the apartment, which, for a a might have been gloomier. A door in one corner attracted his attention. procession threaded its It halted before a ** That leads to——”’ ? ‘*The works of the Great Clock,” replied the Sergeant, in a voice still broken with emotion. ‘‘ Listen, and you will hear the deep breathing of Big Ben! The door is unlocked. Methought in your hours of solitude it might amuse you to watch the machinery in motion. And now, Sir, farewell!” ‘*Farewell!”’ returned the Prisoner. ‘‘ Believe me, Sergeant, I bear thee no ill-will. Still I would fain urge once more that my connection with the so-called Breach of Privilege was merely of a professional character, and——”’ 3 ‘*T can hear{no more!” cried the Sergeant, as he hastily closed the oor. At that moment the clock struck six. Ere the hour had again | sounded, the Sergeant-at-Arms was in confidential conversation with | the Speaker. | “*]T fear I must order you to take the journey. He is at Boulogne and says he cannot be moved. He quotes the Doctor’s words,” saic the First Commoner of England, once more referring with the aid of his pince-nez to a telegram he carried in his hands. ‘But the passage! The weather-chart in the Z7imes foretells a stormy night. May I not defer my departure until at least to- morrow ?”’ And the Sergeant sank down upon one knee, in an attitude of supplication. It must not be!” returned the Speaker, greatly moved, as he gently motioned the good old man to rise. ‘‘ If you do not leave by to-night’s boat, we shall never catch him. I tall you that already the aroused Commons are clamouring for his body—” ** But——”’ began the Sergeant. “We must have no ‘buts.’ Our duty is to obey. Remember we are both Servants of the House,”—and at this solemn name the Speaker reverentially raised his wig;—‘‘ and now to rest. Sleep until eight, and then to catch the night-mail. But mark me well— you must not miss it!” ; Thus cautioned, the Sergeant-at-Arms sought his chamber, and divesting himself only of his sword, threw himself upon his couch. =. bade no one call him. Long practice had taught him to wake at pleasure. After a brief period of uneasy slumber he sprang to his feet, and

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“IN FOR IT.” Innocent Tourist. “No Fisn To BE cAUGHT IN Loon Fink now? AND HOW DO YOU SUPPORT YOURSELF !?”’ Native. ‘‘ Wurtes sHE CARRIES PARCELS, AND WHILES SHE RAWS ” Satu’ ! Ta PoaT, AND WHILES A SHENTLEMAN ULL GIVE HER A SAXPENCE OF a} Tue Roap to Fortune (for Middlemen only).—The ' CHARIVARL fAveusr 2, 1879. EPITAPH FOR A PROPOSED MONUMENT IN WESTMINSTER ABBEY. (Found floating about Dean’s Yard Westminster.) En Memorp of PRINCE EUGENE LOUIS NAPOLEON, Son of the Hero of Sedan, Grand-Nephew of the Hero of Moscow, And Pocheation to the Throne of France, Brave, amiable, and accomplished, Who made many friends And unfortunately lost his life In a very doubtful quarrel Which in no way concerned him. This Monument is erected By a small seetion of the British people Te exhibit to the world Their slight respect For the national feeling of France, And their great regard For the cause of Imperialism. A Correction. Rererrive to Mr, Tenrtiss last week we said that Mr. Hang had found a Rara Avis in Terris; but it is not, we are informed, Mr. Hare, but ‘‘S. Bancrort, Esq.” —by whose kind permission Miss RosELLE appears in Drink every night—who has secured the young Actor’s | services for a part in Les Bourgeois de Pontarcy. Pont | Arey, literally translated, evidently means the Pons | Asinorum, or *‘ Asses’ Bridge.” It is a Dramatic Pro- | blem, and Mr. Atnery is said to have been “‘ manfully | grappling’ with the French original for some consider- | able time past. Bravo, Mr. J. AtBEery! Grapple away, | till you get over the pons, and reach the Q.E.D., “* by the kind permission of Count Banxrorr, Esquire.” SHAKSPEARE ON THE CAT. ** Hang off, thou cat, thou burr! vile thing, let loose, Or I will shake thee from me like a serpent! ”’ Midsummer Night’: Dream. Act iii. s. 2. PEOPLE IN | | Milky Way! busied himself in packing his portemanteau. He looked through the window: the evening was calm and fair. ‘We shall have a good passage, after all," he murmured, cheer- fully, “how fortunate I can wake at will.” f He was interrupted by Big Ben booming out the hour. He listened almost mec ~~ to the sound. He was calm at first, but as the last stroke broke upon his ears, he threw up his arms, uttered a wild shriek, and fell heavily on the floor voiceless, motionless, senseless ! The Sergeant-at-Arms had missed the night-mail. Big Ben had struck Nine ! > + . * * * The Deputy Assistant-Sergeant entering the apartment was horror-struck to find the ancient Chief Se t still stretched sense- less on the floor. He rushed to the insensible official’s assistance. * How now, Sergeant—what ails you ?” ; “T am a dishonoured man. I have missed the night-mail. The Speaker’s strongly expressed commands have been disobeyed,” wailed the Sergeant, in a heart-broken voice. ; ** Say not so,” replied his Deputy-Assistant, raising him tenderly in his arms. ‘‘I bring a message from the Speaker. On second thoughts he thinks it useless for you to brave the horrors of the Channel. He believes that the man who be our prisoner in yonder tower is more likely to listen to the words of his Doctor than to yours. And yonder, persuasion would be your only weapon. Sergeant, you need not go. “Then my honour is saved!” and with a cry of thankful joy the ancient warrior raised his shaking hands towards the vaulted ceiling. ‘* But what is the hour?” **) came to you a Quarter after Seven.” “Nay. I heard Big Ben strike Nine as I fainted,” said the —_ +e re the Deputy-Assistant could reply, the Palace Clock once more boomed forth the hour. ! This time Big Ben struck— Fourteen / “ Fourteen!” exelaimed the Sergeant, “‘and my watch even now only points to Eight. Then my sleep was not unduly protracted. What means this mystery,’ ” ‘“* It means,” replied the Deputy-Assistant, angrily shaking his fist in the direction of the tower, ‘‘ that, spite of my warning, the pri- soner in the Clock-tower has been allowed to tamper with the mechanism of Big Ben. To save London from the horrors of a total derangement of its hours, I must see that he is allowed to play the fool no longer! ” So saying, he strode from the chamber. + >. 7 * * * The struggle in the tower must have been long and desperate ; but no eye was there to mark its hideous incidents, its awful issue. . All through that autumn and the following November it was a matter of remark among the citizens that Big Ben was wild even to eccentricity in his measurement of time. Sir E. B. Denison, Q.C., as he plied his business about the Committee-rooms, was observed to my often towards the dial-plate, and to shake his head gloomily rom time to time. Did he suspect? Did he, with that insight to which clock-work had no mystery, divine that, ed among those colossal fly-wheels, torn by those tremendous racks, whirled on those gigantic pinions, slowly revolved, with hideous face set close to face, two mangled corses— corses that had stiffened and withered to skeletons—one in the squalid prison-garb of the Commons’ eell, the other in the rich but sombre uniform of an Officer of the House, death-grappled in each other's arms ! : r Doe anp Cat.—Old Officers tell us ‘* the Services are going to the Dogs.” Can this be the reason they are getting rid of the Cats ? Wispom Trrera.—The Tusks sent in by Cetewayo to confirm his desire for peace. “@ 1 ge esronpents.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope, Copies should be kept.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49 —=—_— = = Avevust 9, 1879.] A VOICE FROM MOORS. better than Govunop, oh! better than Srravss, THE H! Is vm pe = call of the wry Ar -grouse, hen he ’s startled from "a of his lair in the ing, And flies up the wind on his swift whirring wing— With a cock-a-cook- ceock-kik-kik-kik ! . S praince of ScHUBERT I “th moe poy he n my vols ever 0 has but one bar, And yet draws men hear him by hundrels m far— With his cock-a-cock- oock-kik-kik-kik ! No keyboard he needeth, nor bellows of leather ; His pipes are the rushes ; his stops in the heather Like a musical-box he pow t. Lo off with a whirr, And staccato, crescendo, can make your heart stir— With his cock-a-cock-cock -kik-kik-kik ! Then down with your toothpick, awa Leave operas, matinées, con And show that you’re blessed th the taste and the nous To prefer to thee ie Baest ong of Be areata his cock-a-cock-cock-kik-kik-kik ! . pos fe with your crutch ; such ; THE PRISONER OF THE CLOCK TOWER. (ayoruEr.) By WILLIAM HARRISON BUNSWORTH. How the Major obtained his Promotion. “‘T nope he will make no resistance,” said the good old Se at-Arms, as he loosened his light Court sword in its soabbard. is a soldier, and it nearly breaks my heart to have to arrest hie. But a is duty.” “You are right, my trusty official,” replied a ified looking personage, wearing a wig and gown. ‘‘ We are ‘uy ves to duty. Duty causes me to sit out the live-long night listening to that ry end, and (excuse the Hibernicism) to reasons that never begi duty invites a smile to play upon Sir Srarrorn’s face, when rown has settled ed upon his Right Honourable heart; j duty keeps the Marquis calm —_ a tempest is raging behind the shi rt of his mae | See Ay will give you ey to arrest the Major.” The SPEAKER murmured the Sergeant, upon one knee. “Yes, I am the mouthpiece of the House.” Here the Speaker respectfully raised his wig. ‘‘ Despite our protests, our commands, nay more, our tearful entreaties, the Major has defied us all. You know where to take him.” ‘Yes, Sir,” replied the Sergeant, restraining a shudder. ‘* Be staunch and true. And asa signal token of my esteem, accept this cartel. And now I go. The Chairman of the Committees has nent ype his f the 8 through t rose to eet as PEAKER the corridor. He looked ; Be tint t contained an invitation to a full-dress d Ten minutes later the pel attended by half-a-dozen chosen M standing at the door of the Co oking- essengers, was mmons Room. The object of his search with hat on head and light overcoat on back was preparing to quit the scene of his many verbal battles. There were @ few Members preven t who turned pale as they noticed Oe Bison of the official and his his Aepematent bebte escort. Major,” § said the Sergeant, and his voice trembled, ‘‘ we are both a are right there,” ied the mighty warrior, laughing heartily. ‘‘ Indeed Sergeant, ~~ wes are right They call me a very old soldier, indeed. And now, Sir, I wil tll ou estoy.” “* Another time, Major; another time,” the Sergeant. “ It ie my duty now to convey you to—spare i me -y +h telling you—to——” *“ What!” shouted the Major—and he did not forget to give the aspirate its proper weight—*‘ take me to that — ‘Nay, nay!” returned the Sergeant, soothingly, ‘‘ you know you can leave it when you will. And now, Major, you are a Soldier; and as you have not (in mufti) a sword by your side, I must ask from you—your umbrella.’ “* Sergeant, darling, it has never been opened in an unworthy cause,” And the 2 portly veteran surrendered his parapluie. ** And now, Major, good bye! I think you have all you want.” ** Be easy, Sergeant, darling! ure, have I not a voice, and do I not know how to use it? I shan’t notice that——” And as the eaptive was left to his solitary confinement, a mighty volume of sounds shook the old Palace to its very foundation. It was the Major. singing. n ‘ a Three hao later the Sergeant paid his phen a visit. The Major seemed careworn and nervous. His usual vivacity had com- pletely vanished, and he appeared too exhausted to offer his friend “You are quite comfortable—you have everything you want?” 1 ha » eating I t, Sergeant, and than I a ve everyt ing wan and more want,” re- Dh the Major, wi a Ompeey y apology for a smile. ‘‘ My singing, Yt the kindhe dUhearted ont redl er 0, no,” sai the kin Sergeant, naturedly. t, darling, can “a =e me a favour ? 7 “foe have only to speak, Si: * Then might heve cash. 0 # as @ barrel aa I regret to say, Major, that it’s arenes the es.”” As the disappe the Major began to sing once more. Suddenly his voice left , he w a hoarse cry, and glaring at the wall herecly, trjed to close his ears, ; yer oon his odhcamneh eee , with cial garments careless beside the Major's # couch. In the background mere a oem of oft cials, all more or less correct] , bearing a score of ‘ t lighte, from the concentra ulls’-eye up to the snply diffusive duplex. “ Then you submit—humbly submit ?” asked the mouthpiece of the House, stealthil eres to readjust his wig. The Major, too to speak, nodded. ** Sergeant, he net oh sign a document that I have prepared for him fo So meceing morning. Sue Ries Ce ae Dee teen.” The wig was respect- raised, to be readjusted, wi ter care than before. yu —_ remove him hence Min og ~ e Maj Smry his eyes is the vaulted ceiling, and par a deep sigh “of relief. ‘‘ And now, tlemen, once more—to The Speaker ye * erine diamante two individuals were occupying a magni- ficent oie in Downing Street. was seated. He was a singularly handsome and dignified man of exceptionally stalwart Pine bend Under his ample white waistcoat he wore the broad lue riband of the Garter, and the other insignia of the Order were resting in morocco cases on the desk before him. He smiled as he gazed upon the many pointed star and the brilliants in the buckle of the velvet binding. His companion (a fellow-countryman) was not onl his friend, but his Private Secretary. “ Duke,” n the younger. ee call me out of my name, Sir,” was the good-natured reproo if But sure you are Duke, and well you deserve it, Major, darling. But as you 7 be it then. Well, Major, and #0 you are at the top of the tree ? ** Yes,” returned Ls Cabinet Minister, ‘‘ as you know I have been the First Lord of the T for the five Parliaments, and this new mark of my Sovereign’ * Levour i is exceedingly gratifying. an elegant jewel entirely.” ** And es you, too, Major, darling—becomes you mightil But tell me, Sir, or, as I shoul say your Grace (long life to you! how is it that you changed your opinions?” The noble and pe Duke aoney blushed, and was silent. **T know you well enough to know that you would not be bribed.” ** Sir!” Bd the Head of the Administration, mechanically seeking for the hilt of his sword. ** Be easy, or, darling! I knew it was all right. It is clear to me why you gave u Office.” ey felt I should strengthen their ir hands, | Sir.” “Of course, Major, of i It is clear enough. May be, it wt Con ioedll Bo henbed 6 you, Sir!” replied the Duke, hotl vin ’ ,’ e y: act I athe Obstruction, "turned ** See here, Sir! It was in this can. for ) ee of the Minister, oyame oS Exch: , Yleero Canada, te fo J and, lastly, Prime Minister became. I couldn that confounded Clock It is t of State for War; and, stand any longer—t he ticking of VOL. LXXVII. F

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. aN WS ‘fre = 2E5.* —— — ETImES — (Monday, July 28, Lords). It is indeed pleasant to have Lord Saisspury’s assurance that Slavery does not exist in Cyprus. But no more does it, Lord SaLispury went on to inform their Lordships, by /aw, in Turkey. Is Cyprus Turkey? That is the difficulty. What is Cyprus exactly? Not English terri- tory ; the SutTan’s rule not having been extinguished there. Not ; } Turkish territory exactly ; the English exercising all the authority of a Government therein. In short, Cyprus is a place of arms—and anomalies. And the question it most obviously suggests to Joun Butt is old Géronte’s in Les Fourberies de Scapin, ‘* Que diable allait-il faire dans cette galére?” ‘‘ Il” meaning Lord BEACONSFIELD. _ (Commons.)—In answer to Mr. Cowzn’s questions about reported horrors of Russian deportation of political offenders to Sagahlien— rivalling those of our own middle passage in the good old times of the slave-trade—Mr. Bovaxe said the Foreign Office had no official | intelligence. (It never seems to have any, when wanted.) As to remonstrances, Mr. Bourke said, it was not the habit of the Government to remonstrate unless they had reason to believe their remonstrances would be attended with effect. Punch begs Mr. Bourke’s pardon. The Government has remonstrated with Turkey. Mr. Fawcerr means to move a resolution condemning any increase of the Maharajah DuvLerr Stnon’s allowance, in the present state of the Indian finances, as Mr. Bourxe declines to pledge himself that no such increase will be made, without sanction of Parliament. Parliament—pooh! What is Parliament? It can’t even catch Grissett—whom the Sergeant-at-Arms reports comfortably housed at the Hétel Bordeaux, Boulogne-sur-Mer, by the name of “‘ Grawame.”’ s tea eS Se -* we os hee US Te

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| Avavst 9, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Fr A 4\e LO ‘ 4 Ab Ds BG TASTE IN KEEPING. SCENE—“ THE ROW.” He on the Cob. “ Hatro! Gus (on Piebald, a regular ‘‘ Myers’’). *‘ Haw! so I rHovcut I’p HAavE A NaG To MATCH !”’ A GAY-LOOKING ANIMAL You ’VE GoT THERE, Gus!” Ya-as, You SEE 1’vz TAKEN CHAMBERS IN THE CIRCUS FOR THE SEASON, = = In Committee of Supply. Irish Queen’s University and Queen’s Cetiege vote postponed, till the Irish University Bill has been farther Much eetins over the other Irish votes—particularly the expenses of the Irish Election Judges. Messrs. Panne tt and Biecar oatdoing themselves in strong language over the late Justice Kzoen’s judgment in the Galway Elections. Tuesday (Lords).—Has anything, asks the Archbishop of Can- TERBURY, and if anything, how much, been done for the better sani- tary and educational regulation of Canal Boats, under Mr. Surra’s Act of 1877, which came into operation last year ? The Duke of Ricumonpd said a good deal had been done in the way of registration of these floating fractions of heathendom and lawlessness, in 62 out of 99 districts—say two-thirds of the area over which the Act should be in force; and registration is only the first step. The Duke said nothing about the regulation to which regis- tration should lead the way. With regard to the education of the children born and kept—and too often very ill-kept—aboard these boats, the Duke seems to know nothi », and the Local Government B as little. “* ister! register!” is only the first note of the ery of the children.” ‘ te! regulate!”’ and ‘‘ Educate! educate!” are cries to which we have yet heard no answers. (Commons.)—Second eneng, of Banking and Joint Stock Com- agg Bill. Nobody seems to like it much, even after all squeezable Srarrorp’s mutilations and modifications. . Mr. Husparp a the House was going to diminish liability in the interest of Bank shareholders, rather than their de- tors. Sir H. Jacxsow did not see why the Bill should be forceden. It would only make Joint-Stock ion worse confounded. Mr. C. A believed the Bill was wanted alike for the protection of a] ors, and the whole banking community. Sir A. Lusx sym with the Cuancector of the Excuequer among all his its. So did SirG. Montcomery. If they waited till they got a complete Bill, the might wait long enough. Share- holders wanted protection as well as depositors. ‘ Sir E. Cotesrooxe thought the Bill was wanted, so did Alderman OTTON. Mr. Muwtz thought the discussion showed how dangerous it was to meddle with the subject. Mr. Banrine entirely objected to the Bill, which was an attempt to enable laymen to carryon the business of bankers without know- ledge, skill, labour, or risk. He believed its passing would shake credit, and be more likely to produce panic than to allay it. Mr. W. E. Forster thought the Bill should be confined to enabling unlimited companies to convert themselves into limited ones. Mr. Cross denied that the Bill was produced in panic. It was introduced in the interest of the public. The Biil should be reprinted after Second Reading, and then members would see what it amounted to. Punch would venture to remind Mr. Cross that it has been usual for Honourable Members to know this before Second Reading. One thing the discussion showed—the chaotic state of Honourable Members’ minds, including its framers, on the subject. In Committee of Supply Mr. SHaw Lerevre objected to the vote of £26,000 for the Cyprus Police, till the House knew more about the finances of the island. Sir C. Dizke seconded the Motion. This was an attempt to get a military force into Cyprus by a side-wind. Why was Cyprus under the Foreign Office ¢ Mr. Batrour explained that Cyprus belonged to the Domain of High Policy, and that the Foreign Office ruled that domain. The force was wanted to guard stores, furnish escorts, and, if need be, defend the island ! Mr. T. Brassey said we had undertaken to pay the Scrtan £115,000 out of the total revenue of £173,000, the utmost that could be squeezed out of an oppressed people, and the surplus available for public improvements was £15,000 at most. We should take

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveust 9, 1879. “LINGUA EAST-ANGLIC*..” Sympathising Friend. ‘‘TaRrr’BLE WEATHER, Mr. Wutts! ’No KILLIN’ THESE WrEvs Down !”’ Suffolk Farmer. *‘Krm.’sm! Briar ‘em! Yeow oan’r even DAawzie ’Em !” steps to amend the Convention, and get rid of the annual tribute to the Porte. Mr. Bourke mounted the High (Policy) Horse behind Mr. Batrovr, and rode it gallantly, under a heavy fire of chaff from Sir W. V. Hancovrr. This island, in the languageof Beaconsfield bunkum, ‘‘ was to be no burden to this country.” Yet here was a vote for £29,000, as an item of “‘ Civil Estimates.” This was a Military vote—‘‘ quasi-military,” said Mr. wr— Yes, it had been a ‘‘ quasi- military” business from the beginning. It never had any reality or substance about it. It was meant to throw dust in the eyes of the country, and came to grief, like the Turkish Convention it was tacked to. oor Sir Srarrorp made asad bungle in the attempt to explain. ‘‘ Whether they called this Civil or Military ex iture, it was rendered necessary by the withdrawal of the military forces from the island.” Mr. Cuitpexs put the matter into a nutshell. This was simpiiciter a military vote, and had constitutionally no right to in the Civil Estimates. Of course the Government got the money by 99to72. But a lamer attempt to make good an untenable position has seldom been witnessed. Wednesday.—Mr. Newpreate gave notice of a Resolution aimed at putting a stop to Obstruction by summary process, but with many safe- nn A to be caleulated to answer that desirable p The Caancettor of the Excurever moved that himself to the House, and exp: leasure, and being medically certified to be very ill, he, Mr. Warp, be now echoed out of his warder’s keeping. Sev Members pointed out that Mr. Warp had only said he was sorry he had offended the House, as well he might be, having been shut up and fined, in fees, £14, but that he had by no means confessed that he had acted improperly at all. Nevertheless the House : = that i. Warp — bs set i pad i Sena ed petvibeee™ not in east cried peccart. much, or so little, for ** privi - On the motion for going into supply on the Education Estimates, a Resolu- tion was moved by Sir Jouw Luspock for introducing elementary science to the extent of explaining to children “‘ the nomena with which they were sur- epated in qveryeeg gg Board instruction ; ing on those subjects to optional with school-managers, not comgaiaty. ution opposed by Lord E. Fivzmavaice and Mr. Baresporp Hors, on the ground r. Warp having submitted his regret for having fallen under its dis- that an excess of mathematical training was already exacted from pupil-teachers. Dr. Lyon Piayrarr endeavoured to explain that the natural phenomena which Sir Jonn Lusrock wished children to be taught did not mean mathematics, but only such matters as “‘the nature of the air they breathed, the water they drank, and the food they ate.” However, Sir Jomn’s motion was negatived by the Col- lective Wisdom. Then followed conversation of small consequence on a complaint, made by Mr. W. E. Jenxuys, that the cost of the Natural History Museum, South Kensin » con- siderably exeeeded the original estimate. hen were qriginally estimated expenses ever not exceeded by those incurred ¢ , More conversation, camel momentous, on the re- trenchment recently practised by the | of Scotland for the Pro tion of Christian Knowledge, in cut- ting down its Sehools. Then at last the House got into Committee of Supply, and heard Lord Groner Hamriron’s annual statement on the Education Vote. He took credit ‘‘ for the gratifying and continuous pro- gress in the education given in the Elementary Sehools of England and Wales,” as indicated in the Depart- ment’s report for the past year. The School aeeommo- dation now provided was nearly up to 4,000,000 places ; the children ) the books we 8,500,000 ; pe poe in average attendance 2,400,000. per-centage of passes in all subjects, and the number of pupils examined was ** considerable and gratifying.” _ Unfortunately, the cost of the schooling whose progress is so gratifying is also i ble, and continuously inéreasing. These unqualifying facts were too rent from the financial details given by the Noble Lord. The estimate of the coming year, framed in expectation of a further increase of sieendenees, copes in all to £2,481,168, being £334,804 more the grant of the previous year. As it is, the exeess of accommodation over at- tendances leaves 1,300,000 vacant places. Certainly, we have “‘ample accommodation for the present ;’— accommodation somewhat more t commedious for those who pay for it. If the money went more of it in 7 - and lessin schools, would there not be some- thing to show for it more purely tifying than the results so termed by Lord Gkoree HamItTon ? His Lordship, by the way, mentioned that the De- partment had not seen their way to introduce a practical course of Cookery into Education. But they had omit from their Code a requirement of the recitation of long pieces of poetry, “‘as not being very useful to be re- tained.”” The Noble Lord coneluded with an elaborate lecture on the comparative cost of Board and Voluntary Schools. After some further chat, one minor Bill was forwarded, another read a first time; and the House adjourned at six o’clock, in decent time for dinner. Thursday (Lords).—Nothing to speak of, and nothing done, except by Lord Dr ta W Lord Fortescvz, and Lerd Aperpare, the first of whom withdrew his Workmen’s Compensation Bill, the second the Com- panies’ Acts Amendment Bill, sent up from the Com- mons, under his wing, and the third sueceeded in tting an Amendment passed in Committee on the In- Tustrial Schools Bill, to prevent unthinking School Boards from borrowing money on bad security. (Commons.)— The Cuancettorn of the Excnrqver gave, as he promised, an approximate estimate of the (pecuniary) damage of the South-African War. It will amount altogether to “‘ something like £4,500,000,”—not more; for expenditure, at the rate of half a million a month, ought now to diminish rapidly, and the cost of thrashing Cerewayo, in a Colonists’ — ought not to fall on the Imperial Government alone. To meet a deficit of £1,163,000, created since the Budget, by the Zulu King, and the South-African Government between them, he propesed to do no more at present than take wer to issue £1,200,000 Exchequer s, “as it was and ex that the deficiency would be re- covered from the South-African Colonies.” SirSraFrorp ou are hopeful. Let us, too, hope that, in this matter of uth-African Colonial reimbursement, Hope (no offence to BxnesrorD) will not prove to have told a flatterin tale. The Right Honourable CuanceLiorn made an en by saying he would propose the Vote (of those same £1,200,000 Exchequer Bonds) in Supply on Monday.

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L

Aveust 9, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53

Criticism from Mr, Curtpers and Sir R. Pent, if pertinent, pre- | mature; the Vote being reserved till Monday for discussion: Abortive talk on a Resolution the proposal to break up and distri Museum. Motion wi wn. In £3,000,000 voted for the the Navy Estimates the propose any addition te our maritime that is, +. ask any more millions of the Navy. The t said in the} House that orange safely said; bravo Mr. W. H. Smurrn! Otherwise, Oh! oh The House then pase & a Gonmnitts of ag’ Tee floundered about in the Navy (save the mark) was poperted and a “Mittle ‘tl i i it Tad oan Consoli- dated Fund) having been somebedy counted out the House at 3°5 by St. Stephen’ s = Friday (Lords).—In answer te Lord O’Haeay, s the jap C= Cuay- | CELLOR said that the Irish Lunaey Commission was a difficult subject te deal with, but under the anxious considegation of Government. LG lunatics, sure, it must be partic difficult to deal with Lord DuwRaven moved for which would show wh Pipes EPSRGAT. om the fatal fat of June was in comm of the y or not. “lan Bury knew ra no su except those relative to the Court Martial, not yet phe =) <u Thoug employed, the Prince | held no appointment. Lord Truro did not see the difference between a: peintment and employment. (The difference which ought to canele wi th a Minis- terial distinction, my Lord, is too often fi invisible.) He charged Lord Bury with cyeivyention, oan ¢ and the Government » with a design to pre- vent discussion of the question they were ask The Duke of Ganon and Lennox eeied diseussion which was premature. te the contents of the Indian

Mr. Grant Durr, condemning directed to ascertain what the Government knew about it. Committes of Ways and! Means| The Lord Clerk Register ( of declare th Bonds. In Supply on | The Petroleum Act passed Leed Semteree py bey! no reason to off at 7°5. | | | the | to. Here end

| Earl GRANVILLE a that it was premature; but discussion | was not what his noble friend wanted. His Motion was merely | A few more words, and their Lordships dropped the subject. d) Bill was read a Second Time. Committee, and my Lords knocked Mr. CHAMBERLAIN on Native Affairs in | | South-Africa ; talk by Slee. A Ry Macartny, | and Hynuox ; reply from Sir M. Mr. W. B Yousras, wie who a nuded th Colonial Secretary’s speech, ment would stick to the fey of Gon must take a large share in ms defence. Hear! Hear! The lelaee he The Colonists also, said ree A. Mrs, Ought to wage their own wars, and to pay their own bills. Hear! hear! hear! Then into Supply i and five votes on the Navy Estimates agreed the Morning Sitting. (Event: Mr. Pirusox ealled attention to the deplorable oo dina of 3 my hE Bg nh ae mov . an watering the streets, should be defra ed out of dng cn, other property, instead of being levied on f Cursory observations a me Hosoi? Members. Apologetic and evasive not from Sir M. Hicxs Beaou, of course | majority. 10, mi motion, Te “x. also mJ ot oa yes negatived ; | majority minorit n Commi 0 on a or | two with the N Navy Tstimates ; also Civil Gervine’ Wetimaten, in spite of Lrish Members; and after a little further business done, to oe and bed at 2°15. Commons (Morning.)—On ia Supply, animadversion by | AA, The Colonists

—_

ON THE CHEAP. (From the Journal of a Travelling Economist.) “Onthe other hand, posh Rape must avow some apprehension that too minute attention to the ility of cheap travel may render a Continental tour a continual vexation Fond trouble. Plain living and high thinking are as Mr. CAPPER says, crying wants of these days; but the latter condition is hardly te be attained by the self-im necessity of striking a bargain with a landlord at the end of each day’s journey.” — Times. 3 a.M.—Roused for the seventeenth time since midnight. Vow I will never go to a fourth-class hote be a Tm wey to cateaas Times in m 4 A.M. ney head for ink. Wake the others. Order five breakfasts for seven of us, and explain to the landlord that = have to catch the 4°5 chea) ae” oul for Farthingh 5 a.M.—Row y with land- lord about bougies. ve e for them, tho we all went to bed in dark. Explain this. He snaps his fingers in my face, calls me “ Ein schwindlinder Be ver refuses to split the break- fasts, and seizes my port- manteau. . 6 s.m.—Row still wy - Cheap Ms - hopelessly missed. Look out ‘ Beleidiger” —_ and go yg and collect all the bougies in a carpet-bag. Pay bill in full, threaten to write to Bradshaw, and go off, carrying all our own luggage to station, followed by a jeering crow: 7 4.a.—Bit down on it, and, with the assistance of a Phrase-book, crowd in German that ‘‘this isn’t the sort of treatment a 1 of fi ers would cmmezienes epee similar circumstances, e in the Tottenham Court ted. Make up our minds to catch the 7°43 (fast), if we can.

8 A.M. —Mies it. Nothing ill the 12°3 express. Station-master refuses to take our luggage before 11°58. Start with it to the town. Crowd increasing. 9 p.m.—Visit the Dom. Deseend into Shrine of St. Berthold. | Very interesting. Guide well-informed and intelligent. Give him nothing on principle. Follows us to the Alten Schloss, shouting at | the top of his voice, and shaking his fists. 10 a.m.—Go all over the Schloss. Capital state of preservation. Are shown the “ reserved apartments.” Refuse to give anything to | the concierge. He comes out after us with a horse-whip. The | Guide still there shouting. We ask the way to tomb of Gustavus the Ninth. Crowd follows us with brickbats. 11 a.m.—Get in by the assistance of a very civil Commissionnaire. Striking. Are shown the boots of nm em and the spot where | Rupoipn the Eighteenth was gar Sign our names in visitors’ book. Give nobody anythin onnaire walks by | our side, calling us ‘‘ Brigands!” eek enormous. Symptoms of riot commencing. Reach mr exhausted 12 Noon.—Prepared to charge to escape. Take seven first- | class tickets (express), an Se nineteen thalers for excess of lu gree, Get off in a storm of after having to give aed up a | any ally BE oe sagem Start, threatening feebly to write to the Times, have hysterics, and go to sleep. 1 p.m.—Still hysterical. 2 p.m.—Ditto. 3 p.mM.—Ditto. 4 p.m.—Ditto. 5 p.m.—Ditto. 6 p.M.—Arrive. Refuse to hire a voiture. h | ductor, with the aid of the Phrase-book, that hi e|\‘‘ utterly ridiculous.” Set out on foot in search moderate pretensions, where no English have been landlord and raise the prices. 7 p.M.—BStill searching. 8 p.M.— Ditto. 9 p.mM.— Ditto. 10 p.m.—Ditto. 11 p.w.—Find what we want at last, in a dark alley, turning out o- | of a side street, running precipitously to the river. Dine at the late table d’héte with one commercial traveller, on pickled cherries, raw bacon, cabbage, s ‘isu horny and petrified figs. 12 Mipyieut.— tmare. 1 A.M. ”fndeavour wo alepom Uwe ohare end a washhand-stan Can’t. Determine to write to the 7imes 2 a.m.—Left writing.

To BE OFFERED TO THE MANES OF THE POOR Parnce ImprrtaL.— A Vi- Cannrous Sacrifice.

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PUNCH, OR THE I JNDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 9, 1879. Fo Wf Yay 44 zl Mf y 44 A VENIAL f High Life). New Beauty (unversed as yet in the The Captain, ** you KNow.” New Beauty (determined to be surprised at nothing). MORE THAN SEVENTY OR Esemrr |" —— —— —— POOR NURSE NORTHCOTE! Or, Them Blessed Babbies ! Ou dear, and oh dear! Which I feels that dreffle And them ble ssed babbies—bother ’em !—’ow ’ard Js any on ’em living ? It is more than I can say. When a woman ’s wexed and worrited in this ’ere kind 0’ way, ’Tain’t no use a-arsting questions. I am sure J feel arf dead. And whether I am standin’ on my ’eels or on my’ Is wot I wish they ’d tell me if t “y chance to be aweer. I must put my lips to summut, and—ah yes, I’ll take a cheer. Drat the babbies! °Ow they seem to crowd around me as I sit | In a state of pure confloption. Eh! Geneva? Nota bit! I'm the modritest of Monthlies, you can see it in my face ; But I fear I ain't quite strong enough for this most wearing place. | Which, whether it ’s the shindies of them bragian Irish boys, Or that Giapstine, who is everlasting kicking up a noise ; | Or whether it ’s the weather, as is set in orful ‘ot, Or the weight of all them babbies, sech a lot of ’ —_, or — I do feel that dreffle done up, J can’t — = | They must jest all take therr chances, bond it — be murder. I feels like that there ’Erop, arter slortering his hostes ; mysteries INDEED ! meer ! . ‘ ey is to rear! Oh! . | Which wot I 'd like to know is this—do babes-in-arms ’ ave ghostes | Or is that a growd-up privilege exclusive? Oh dear me! | To be ‘aunted by the spectres of these innercents ‘ud be | A hidjus fate! Good evings! Who would wish to be ’ead nuss In sech a Ouse as this is? Babby-farming carn’t be wuss. | The lots as I’ve seen corpussed—bless their ‘arts !—as promised well, Which ’ow Mother Beaxey stands it so is more than I can tell. But she is that cool and easy! bah gy ong I wos allays tender-’urted, and they puts me in a twitte All these ae and slorterings. Oh lor! what 4 that there soun Is it one on ’ema kicking, or is GLapstrne sneaking round ? MISTAKE. ‘*WHO’s THAT WONDERFUL OLD GENTLEMAN ?” Sin Diesy pe Riepy, a HampsHire BARONET; ONE OF THE OLDEST IN ENGLAND ; JAMES THE FIRST’s CREATION, How WELL PRESERVED HE 1s! I SHOULDN’T HAVE THOUGHT HIM Drat that ehap! he do upset me, allays chivying at m reels. Wot with him, them Irish waggerbones, the babbies’ dying squeals, And the weather, I’m that worrited, that warm, that reglar limp, | That I couldn’t carry nothing as wos ’eavier than a srimp. | Thank ’ evings there’s an ’oliday approaching, or I think | I should ’ave to chuck up nussing, or else give my mind to drink ! [Left flopping. SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT. Besrpes Sir Wiirrrp Lawson and Cardinal Manntxa, meet personage is there in all England so hard to conceive presidin at a ‘ free-and-easy” as the noble Earl named in the subjoin extract from a daily paper ? | “Hasrrva, Drunxarps.—A meeting of this Society was held on Monday the 28th inst., the Earl of Saarrespury in the chair. Letters were | | received from the Archbishops of Canterpury and York, the Lorp CHANCELLOR, &c., regretting their unavoidable absence.” It is true that Lord Suarrespury bears the character of a jolly | good fellow—and so say all of us—but his Lordship is not oon wd | sup upposed to be in the habit of not going home till morning, and then | the worse for liquor; or, indeed, of drinking to excess at any time. | Neither are the two Archbishops and the Lorp CHANCELLOR com- ? | monly known or even imagined to be members of an association of so extremely questionable a nature as that in which they appear to be above included. ADVICE TO BRITISH OFFICERS. Mrwp how you obey the word of command to skedaddle. No officer hey court-martialed for disobedience to orders by which he gets 1 A Ssootrye Starn.—Dr. CARVER.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avoeusr 9, 1879. POOR NURSE NORTHCOTE! “ WHICH I S’POSE IT’S THE "OT WEATHER—OR THEM IRISH—OR THAT GLADSTING—OR SOMETHINK! LEASTWAYS, I’M THAT LIMP I CAN’T CARRY ’EM NO FURTHER!!”

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Aveust 9, 1879. ] 7ARRY ON THE RIVER. Dear CHARLIE, ’Or weather at last! Wot a bloomin’ old slusher it’s bin, But now it do look as though Summer wos goin’ to begin. Up to now it’s bin muck and no error, fit only for fishes and frogs, | And has not give a chap arf a chance like of sporting ’is ’oliday togs. | Sech a sweet thing in mustard and pink, quite reshershay I tell you, old man. | Two quid’s pooty stiff, but a buster and blow the expense is my plan ; | With a stror ’at , CHARLIE, low shoes and new mulberry gloves, | If I didn’t jest fetch our two gals, it’s a pity ;—and wasn’t they loves’ | We’d three chaps in the boat besides me,—jest a nice little party of six, _ But the didn’t get arf a look in ‘long 0’ me; they’ peng ng A} If you’d seen me a settin’ and steerin’ with one o’ the shes on each side, : | You'd a thought me a Turk in check ditters, and looked on your "Ary with | Wy, we see a swell boat with three ladies, sech rippers, in crewel and buff, | (Lf J pulled arf a ’our in their style it ‘ud be a bit more than h) ’em a as we and sez, ‘‘Go it, my beauties, well | Well eae | And, oe iar! if you’d twigged ’em blush up you’d a seen’ow they relished t un. | I’m dead filberts, my boy, on the river, it ain’t to be beat for a lark, | And the gals as goes boating, my pippin, is jest about ‘‘’Amry, his mark.” | If you want a stare, you can always run into ’em—accident quite ! | And they carn’t charge yer nothink for looking, nor put you im quod for the fright | 4 |’Ow we chivied the couples a-spoonin’, and bunnicked old fishermen’s swims, | And put in a Tommy Dodd Chorus to Methodys practisin’ hymns! Then we pic-nic’d at last on the lawn of a water-side willa. Oh, my! When the swells see our bottles and bits, I’ve a notion some language "II fly. | It was on the Q. T., in a nook snugged away in a lot of old trees, I sat on a bust of Apoller, with one of the gurls on my knees ! Cheek, eh? Well, the fam’ly was out, and the servants asleep, I suppose ; For they didn’t ’ear even our roar, when I chipped orf the himage’s nose. We’d soon emptied our three-gallon bottle, and Tommy he pulled a bit wild, And we blundered slap into a skiff, and wos jolly near drownding @ . Of course we ed off in the scurry, and showed ’em a clean pair 0 Pullin’ up at a waterside inn where we went in for fried ’am eggs. We kep that ere pub all-alive-oh, I tell yer, with song and with chorus, To the orful disgust of some Brigs as wos progging two tables afore us. I do ’ate your hushabye sort-like, as puts on the fie-fie at noise. ’Ow on earth can yer spree without shindy? It’s jest wot a feller enjoys. Quaker-meetings be jiggered, I say; if you’re ’appy, my boy, give it tongue. | tell yer we roused ema few, coming ’ome, with the comics we Hencoring a prime ’un, I somehow forgot to steer straight, we foul The last eat vot a race—such a lark! Oh, good lor’, ’ow they chi-iked and owled ! There was honly one slight Country-tong, Tommy Bioae, who’s a bit of a ass Tried to splash a smart pair of swell ‘‘Spoons” by some willers we ’appened to pass ; And the Toff ketched the blade of Tom’s scull, dragged ’im close, and jest landed im one ! Arter which Master Tom nussed his eye up, and seemed rayther out of the fun. Sez the Toff, ‘‘ You’re the pests of the river, you Cads!’’ Well, I didn’t reply, Cos yer see before gals, it ain’t nice when a feller naps one in the eye ; But it’s all bloomin’ nonsense, my boy! If he’d only jest give me a look, He'd a seen as my form was O. K., as I fancy ain’t easy mistook. Besides, I suppose as the river is free to all sorts, ’igh and low. That I’m sweet om true you’re aweer, but for stuck-ups I don’t care a ow. We'd a rare rorty time of it, Cuaruie, and as for that younger gurl, Canny, I'll eat my old boots if she isn’t dead-gone on y “. Yours bloomingly, 7 ARRY. SUGGESTION FOR SKIPPERS. Tue Excursion Season is now commencing. Sea Captains and Commanders, keep a look-out. Steer clear of vessels in each , i isions ; on dO ay and do not oun ene pote be = sat neta A MALICIOUS TRICK. A MISCHIEVoUS ing his nei i Anti-Fat with bie pie baslens neighbour a grudge, mixed a quantity of PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. Describing how he found the Friendly Zulus at St. James's Hall, with a detailed account of his interesting and remarkable adrentures. y better ulus at St. isting at the midday y Fantns daily invites assured that the Friendly the public, and not al er fancy to me as te wish me to them bu ones might not take a provide the entire feed for the Mild-eyed Savages whe y acquired a refined taste for ‘‘ cold men tg rmined to defer my visit until after dinner, when I could come in ag @ Child af) Ay re my exactly, priming m a second coating of lunch, I took my way to Piceadilly, ing how much expense and loss of life it would have we treated with Cxrewa¥o through the Fricnly Panimt, who might have inveigled him over here shot him out of a cannon. Before qurving at the Hall, my attention was arrested by a photograph in a shop-window, of a wild-looking gs with strange, mad eyes, and matted, any-how ir. ‘ Surely,” i said to myself, ‘‘ this is ae of a Friendly Zulu.” No; it was the unfriendly Sanan BerwHaknt, the volatile of the F pany, on to the other Salle, dedicated to St. James— the greater or the Less I do not know, but in to be the Patron Saint of Five-shil- ling Dinners, Monday Pops, Billiard Matcha, 6 Drink- ing-Bar, and, properly, if he be St. James of Spain, the Moore-ish Mi ‘ There was no rush ; no crowd; no excitement. I do not know the Friendly Farry by sight, but I fancied that the elegant gentleman at the door, trimming his nails in an easy, nonchalant, don’t-care-w you-come-or-not sort of way, was the eminent entre- gree the ted ot Me eee igger, Crome and ewe in deferential manner, ood in friendliest way possi of whom only u tickets, and in my own person—like who

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om SF a 58 PU} ‘CH, OR CROSS BM AL K VICTORIA KENGINCTOWN HAMMEVSMITH A DEFINITION. Metropolitan Railway Station. Swell in taking his change drops a penny—looks at it wistfully, but leaves it. British Workman (pouncing on it, to bystander), ‘‘Taere, THAT’S WHAT I CALL A PUFFECT [ Pouches the coin. Gren’Leman!” ay of walking-room—seemed anxious to impress on the visitor who simply saw this top f, that ‘‘ there was more where that came from.” As his expectations had been raised high by the appearance of myself as a ‘‘ gentleman of fashionable exterior,” I was sorry to be compelled to cause him some disappointment by asking for change out of my half-crown, as I did not want a reserved seat, but only wish for as much of the Friendly Zulus as they could let me have, conveniently, for a shilling. Everything was done in the fri jest possible manner. The friendly person in the box gave me a friendly smile, and handed to me not only my eighteenpence in quite a friendly tog, Sat also what appeared to be a bad penny as a bonus, but which, on investigation, prov to be a necessary friendly talisman which should me against all the dangers of the journey up to the very gates of the Friendly Zulus’ Home. Then there sounded, above me, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 9, 1879. befall, Friendly Spirits were watching my progress. The sense of loneliness in that vast building was relieved by the conscious- ness of being in an atmosphere of Friendli- ness, and I firmly clutched my bad- y talisman, as, looking to the right an left, I walked cautiously onward, like a knight in an enchanted castle. Suddenly, on the wall appeared a Fiery but Friendly Hand pointing out the road—‘ This way to the Zulus!” It was the Hand of Destiny ! Siren voices from the left, accompanied by the tinkle of the tambourine and the click of the gay castanet, cause me to vacil- late for a moment. It is the Christy Sirens. But I clutch my talisman, and once more before me I see the fiery Friendly Phantom Hand directing my course “ This way to the Zulus!” Through an open door I catch sight of neat-handed nr i iene ne of course —inviting me to the pleasures of the table, displaying various cartes du jour, and point- ing to green glasses and cool-looking bottles. For a moment I hesitate. But again I see the Fiery Friendly Hand pointing to the staire—** This way to the Zulus!” Excel- sior!!! The phantom waiters groan and wring their hands as I pass upwards. Mysterious voices in the air repeat, ‘‘ Pass One to the Zulus! Pass Two to the Zulus!” And wavering people, strengthened in their re- solve by the friendly Phantom Hands, ascend the Stairease of the Enchanted Castle. Up! up! to a dimly-lighted gallery. Doors to the right of us, doors to the left of us! A Billiard Marker with a cue in- vites me. I am about to be decoyed, just to see what is going on, when, fortunately, I catch sight of the Bright Fiery Red, but Friendly, Hand on the Wall, that in its pantomimic action is ever crying, ‘* For- wards!” and saying, as it were, empha- tically, ‘‘ No nonsense! Noloitering! This way tothe Zulus! You know what you’re here for! This is your mission! This, this, THIS way to the Zulus!” Then there is a distant chorus, as of demon spirits, furious at the loss of their prey: it is the Black Christys, whom I ave lett long since, in their room below, with ghastly bones, and hollow tambourine accompaniment, and, as grateful to Provi- a = cr papa | from ee enusberg, in le my talisman, an the spectral Marker wonmhen wailing sadly among the shadows—or walks his billiard chalks—and I pass on. . A narrow passage, with a strange, musty, old-clothes smell, as if haunted by the pu of hats, and cloaks, and mantles, left and lost for ever, where a phantom female, with a baby in her arms, is pacing up and down anxiously, like some character in a drama of Waiting for the Verdict. Is this infant food for the Friendly Zulus? Is this a Friendly Baby? ‘Oh, ota the maiden said, and rest!” But su denly I elutch my talisman, as once more I see the Friendly Fi Preserving Hand on the Wall, while louder and more jubilant become the mysterious voices in the air. ‘ Pass One to the Zulus! Pass Two to the Zulus!!” Then at the open door of the Grand Hall two Friendly Faces greet me; a friendly hand receives my talisman, and I am safe! Safe !—with the Friendly Zulus! Yes! Here the enchantment ended. The process of disenchantment was about to ed| commence. What was thereto see? After all this excitement in ing to the Hall— after all these voices, like Joan of Arc’s— and Fiery Hands—what was there to see? ‘ar away in the air, a mysterious voice, which ** Pass one to the Zulus!” Its tone was friendly, but it was the voice of Fate. So I passed on. I felt that whatever might Where are the Friendly Zulus? Here is oe et ets es wt Oe leegeeweoen

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| Avausr 9, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 59 | Le (publi ii Sia own siity tr vie with the TAY, LAINE OO WGN) own a e wi 6 Pa ihp Hii} VAP YN Friend! oa og © A as Master AMEE f \\\x¢ of the Ring, permits him to try. Juvenile Clown takes spears, throws, fails dismally. Of course one ought ena pee hd my uite by accident, of course —"* Game heoeet, Sir! ’—when the Master would have chivied him off the platform with a stinger from the whip—but this couldn’t be. So we all laughed at the boy’s failures ; and then the Master of the Ring (could I have been deceived, and was this the Friendly Farrt in ?) showed how he hi could do better than in fact, as goed at it as Zulu f. However, we hadn’t come to see an mortal seneh if this was the Friendly ARINI, this term cannot apply to him), in a pot hat and a suit of dittos howe 2 La oe i, so only 2 very few people — the claque, perhaps —ap- plauded, and ion we subsided into a disconten silence, and again consulted our watches, bargaining with ourselves as to how long we could stand it, and when we should positively go. I had just given up the idea of be- ing entertained by anything they uld do as hopeless, and was envy- ing old Ladies who were still having their shillingsworth out on the back bench, when, on i = doce, my —— ~~ a a whoop and a howl, It CLUB SKETCHES.——-CAUSE AND EFFECT. occurred A. ra that ennuyés to the ““Wuy pors Brooxs snus Sxooxs ?’’—‘‘ Becausz SNooxs ToApIZs Brooks.” last degree, oer —_ = ed be- “Way pogs Snooxs Toapy Brooxs !’’—‘* BecauszE Brooks snubs Snooxs.” to teead poet cggy meee 3m = = . : ; CEP *Soet EGE ean) , to the tails of their coats. No. They the Hall, divided by a barrier, against which lean two lines of people at a shilling apiece. The|had begun a war-song and a war- — are empty ; the floor is bare, as though it had been cleared for a dance, and the guests | dance, which was noisy, monotonous, | adn’t yet arrived. Beyond the barrier, tow: the Organ end, are the Reserved People, with the|and wearisome, and reminded me Half-crown Talisman—a very select lot—and on the platform where Mesdames ScnumMANN and|of some recent Parliamentary pro- Nervupa have gratified our high art musical tastes, are the six Friendly Zulus, in full costume, with ings. a lot of straw, and a huge target, lounging about lazily enough, and doing nothing in particular} However, it woke up the three old that I can see. ? ‘ ° Ladies on the back bench, who ex- | Someone, not a Zulu, but a Friendly Foreigner, with a prominent feature of markedly Hebrew | claimed, all together, ‘‘ Dear me!” extraction—(can this be the Friendly Farryt ?)—is way ber them and showing them a book. I/And it had this great and dis- | can’t hear what he says. Iask people about me. They don’t know, and, apparently, don’t care. |tinguishing merit, namely, that it They have been here, oe visitors, for the last half hour, one of them informs me in a sad, | officially terminated the perform- | despondent way, hanging languidly on to the barrier, hoping, like so many Micawbers, that} ance, so that it was impossible for something would turn up. But matting has turned up. The Zulus are friendly, that is all, and to} even the most determined lounger to my mind, quite enough, as if they suddenly took it into their heads not to be friendly ~—s got | hang on to the barrier any longer in | some nasty pointed weapons, ready to hand, and they carry heavy thick-knobbed stic , With | the hope of getting something more which they could very easily impress on us their notions of Club-life in Zululand. for his . It was quite enough One Friendly Zulu lg od py a straw hut in a lounging, quiet way. Presently another| for mine, Friendly Fanin1, I helps him. We watch this—which is about as amusing as watching some countrymen finishing a prefer your now Friendless Zaze small rick—for about a quarter of an hour, and then the shilling visitors yawn, and drowsily | to your Pilvadiy Zulu! congratulate themselves on not having mixed themselves up with the Reserves at half-s-crown.| ‘To gum up, all I can say is, that Three old Ladies retire to a bench at the back and take their friendly shillingsworth out in a| 4p, Savages are tame, and so is the | snooze. Most of us consult our watches, listlessly, and come to the conclusion that we will give entertainment — very "tame. With — — ay oe in feathers so many minutes more, and then we'll go, as we dropped in,| which friendly remark, I sign quite in a friendly way. : : myself : At last one of them takes up the spears and from a distance of about thirty paces hurls them|™% dart-fashion, at a target of tomimic dimensions. Shooting with bows and arrows at a haystack Youn Revsaemnzarivs. would have been about as in ing, but the friendly audience were glad to wake themselves es up a bit, in order to give some friendly applause, when the spears struck the target—as if they were quite surprised at such a result—just to throw a little life into this dreary performance. A Blessing to Burglars. During the shooting the two thatchers had been going on with their employment—better than isla being absolutely idle, they probably think—while the three others, who didn’t shoot, leant against} Tue frequency of burglaries in the back -rail, looking exquisitely and, I should say, feeling anything but friendly towards | the London Suburbs is, perhaps, un- the Friendly Farmn1 for bringing them over. duly ascribed to the inefficiency of At this point human nature would have broken down under the oppression of dulness, had | the Police. There is reason to _- not a Friendly Boy, — y a tleman, stepped up from among the audience—(so| pose it may be rather owing to the very friendly of to be sure!) and introduced a little low comedy element. The Boy was| inadequacy of their numbers. Per- trying to impress on the Gentleman who was with him that he could throw the spears and hit the| haps, as the distinguished foreign Pan target, just as Mr. Merriman manages to induce the simple-minded Master of the Ring | General said of the British Infantry, that he can perform the feat, whatever it is, which the celebrated Signor Tomsotrno has just it may be that the Metropolitan Police triumphantly exhibited on the bare-backed steed. The guileless Master permits him to try; of|is the best Constabulary in Europe, course Mr. Merriman fails, amid roars of langhter. This was the performance of the Man (as Master | only — —for the burglars—there of the Ring) and Boy (as juvenile Clown). Boy, in dumb show—apparently from the shilling point | is very little of it.

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60 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 9, 1879. HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. oveasine some Rare Intelli- | gence for Visitors to the Great Metropolis. BRICABRAC.—One of ~~ ~ SS Te Lowpo's. AS ° WS SS He remarkable London. The i ie Be Be u H retain many ve most pientifu Belgravians work very hard from May till the end of July, when they either migrate to the sea-side, taking their vian associa- tions with them, or pull down the blinds of front win- Soon. 20 6 dion cd wemtag fo thy Gessen thet Go GED, and retire to the back rooms, only venturing out in the cool of the even- ing, when, if they meet vians, they explain to one another how they are only “‘ passing through,” and are off to- morrow. es the above-mentioned industry in Hop- erings, there is ache f form of employment for the elderly female vians. This is ‘ mateh- .” They make some capital matches. which go off in first-rate style; some attempts are failures ; and others turn out utterl fred and bad. Hei hunting” is a favourite time. A thorough vian never goes, on further East, in the da Leet Areade, or further North than Grosvenor ioe At night the | nang — driven about in carriages as far East as the Gaiety vians are, on the whole, a blameless race, cid a lng a th by the laws of the country in which they have will not be disturbed in their possessions. Some few, however, of late years have shown a disposition to enlarge their their borders, and have even been known to be mixed up in business in the City quarter. These are innovations most dangerous to the apy existence of their own community. If this is the the end, then every Country Visitor should make a point of paring a visit to one of these vian residences before they disappear r- ever. He has only | tar to o an order from the nearest visitor is anxious to see the interior > working of one of largest Belgravian dwellings, will grant him ~~ escort of a couple of Minka tletines police to see that he comes to no harm feet asa -y~— civil enoegh, but they are sometimes inane to oe wnes Se may consider intrusion, in w case 0} absolutely indispensable. The true up pect of Belgravian sie pris splendid suit of many colours, his brilliant ewlottes de peluche, his embroidered waistcoat, his tags, sey OY legerement és, may be often seen on the doorstep , with Neapolitan sobleme in the summer sun, - chattin Ly two or three other no rye or ntlemen, simi wearing colours the great Hlonses to which in balan. May it be long, ere these A of the picturesque Past are ew away fromamong us! Floreat Belgravia ! et Floreat Eatona ae GREEN.— Where the blind beggar lived; now a use BLACK-EYE—h)ow to get one.—Knock up against a coal-heaver, and say, “‘ Where are you a-shovin’ to?” How to cure one.— Consult a solicitor. BOHEMIA.—In the East, where the Bohemian Girl used to dwell in marble halls—chiefly music-halis. A charming , far more catencie Gan Beigua. Belgravia has its Bohemia has none. Its gates are never shut to any Belgravian, though Belgravi does not return the compliment. Some Bohemians belong to ancient and highest families in the Here you banished Dukes, noblemen in disguise. motto of Bohemia i Sam Weller’s—‘* Ease afore elegance.” ae certain sections of the various tribes that go to up i they abide . . | the { the ancient Slang dialect, but, as a rule, the English used among the : Bohemians i is far superior to any spoken in Belgravia, Tyburnia, or {in the Eastern districts. Bohemia furnishes a large contingent to the | great Fourth estate. The Visitor to London will find it as difficult to get inte Bohemia as into Belgravia, and in some cases, depending on the part of Bohemia his curiosity leads him to inquire into, more difficult to get out of. A magistrate’s order and an escort of police, so serviceable in Belgravia, are useless in Bohemia. BOND STREET.—See Grosvewon Gatiery en a Sunday when open free, Under these conditions it is well worth a visit. *PROODLE'S CLUB.—Where the Boodles meet. Anybody of the name of Boodle visiting London is, ipso facto, a member. A Noodle has to his descent from a fore he can be admitted. aieal s 8 i cian Li ny Club. The Boodles were of Buddhists le, or, = it ve wes spl a Bhoodle,” being only another name for Bhoodla, Bhooda, They have now given up any distinctive creed, though Ay ~~ are forced to certain outward observances, such, for de Batrane as ae es es with cold meat, cheese with a knife, &e., -Y -~y 1 e free—when no ! yea ee. One ex: one ub-house former sy by the thet Bhanddist h right ee st refugees, with right oppressed, or in difficulties, ae his case to +3 mows id the old Boodleian Law, he has only to rush -_ > = Tay y & on on his knees, and cry “‘O Boodles, O a ‘oodles a mong ayde!” rand then he may oh his oan in o in the hands of the This is one of vileges still existing in the West-End ; and is one of the Jou th that iy ey never been abused. HONOUR TO THE LORD MAYOR. Here is brave news for you, just now wired from the French Metropolis :— “The France of this evening announces that the Lord Mayor of London has been decorated with the Cross of the Legion of Honour, in recognition of the rec -—— of the French Members of the International Telegraph Confer- ence and Literary Congress lately held in London.” Deem not this tribute to the grand Lorp Mayor merely a testi- monial to turtle—though that would be something on the part of neighbours who excel in culinary criticism, and the knowledge of what is good. But the tion of London and the Civie Sove- reign have lately distinguished themselves by deeds better, even, than their dinners. As Champions of Open Spaces they have won golden opinions from all sorts of men; except those who hate them for having rescued Eppin Forest and Beeches from enclosure. The Cross of the Legion of Honour, in position as a pectoral on the Lorp Mayor’s bosom, will be contemplated by every sitter at his hospitable board as quite the right object in the right place. For, of course, no pedantry and in excelsis will wearing the Foreign , and on his own throne, the Fountain of Honour? And may °, or ought he, not to be allowed to wear, or license any of his wy pes to wear any cross star, pom, jewel, or other ornament, which he or they may have right ully varre mgs to them, and have not u ? Not citizens of London merely, but cosmopolitans, are they not justly entitled to sport any mark or marks of distinction whatsoever, wherewith yy | they have invested by any potentate or people in the whole world? And would not the attempt, on the of any officious Jack-in-Office, exercising authority westward of the site of venerated and vanished Temple Bar, to restrain them from the enjoyment of that glorious privilege, be a more impertinent, as well as irreverent act of ése majesté than it is bearable to conceive ? Six Things to be Proud of. By a Child of Impulse. . Not to have written a Book. . Not to have given a Recitation. . Not to have appeared in Vanity Fair. . Not to have been presented with a Testimonial. . Not to have been offered Knighthood. . Not to be buried in Westminster Abbey. er wel to hinder the great Lorp Maror Sesoration he has so worthily won. Is not the City King within the Ci Berrian Anmy Discretive.— The Scourge. (Romish Church lossary.) Nrent-Braps raat make West-Exp Nient niprovs.—The owls of "Anny after his larks. £@ To Conansronpants. — The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In no ease can these be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed eneclope should be kept.

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ie of moh ndon m of ifer- sti- ; of » of ren, von em 6a ery ght vill the 88 ens ed ith ole us ont ch he Aveust 16, 1879.] \" NA Re ‘ \). “ ist \? ~~ ‘ fi Nee yi py} \ il ait = A —_—_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON A ‘“‘ CONTRE-TEMPS.” First Curate. “ DELIGHTFUL CHANGE IN THE WRATHER—A LITTLE SowsHINne AT LAST! J HOPE IT’LL——” Second Curate. ** Wet, I——’NDEED IT’S RATHER INOPPORTUNE For ‘ Stocom Parva.’ Ovr Specrau Service oF PRAYER For Fine WEATHER Is FIXED FOR NExT Sunpay !!” MUSINGS BY THE MEGATHERIUM At the Crystal Palace on a Bank Holiday. Srveutar World, very much so! Much lacking, J think, in simplicity. In our post-tertiary period Nature gave ease and felicity. Now—well, things puzzle me greatly ; and yet I have learned quite a lot Since bd gaan Hawxrns—confound him !—first had me perched up in this spot. Holidays now. Ah, dear me! what a subject is there for reflection ! Fail quite to fathom the mystery, spite of prolonged introspection. Work seems a wonderful lunacy, but, of all freaks of humanity, What are called rest and amusement, betray the most hopeless insanity. Rest! That means row and coarse revelry, eating, and drinking, and smoking, (Ludicrous habit, that last!) rude romping, and satyr-like joking. Men play the fool till they ’re fagged, without even enjoying their folly ; Saunter, and gorge, and get drunk, and then call the whole thing being jolly. As for amusement, good gracious! a hobby-horse roundabout’s funny As sport for a race that’s so proud of its knowledge, its taste, and its money. Vanities all, I suspect. We had none in our primitive time ; Yet how contented we were in our forests and pluvial slime | Worthy friend Mastodon there, just imagine him—Indicrous thing !— Shying for Cocoa-nuts--horror !—or playing at Kiss-in-the-ring ! Any true pachyderm ’d blush to be canght at such capers ; in fact I'll Warrant such things would be thought infra dig. by that gay Pterodactyl. Romping! Now that’s a Yahooism passing my power of explaining, Though I have seen such a deal of it. Would that my scorn were restraining. Mrs. or Miss Megatherium, seeing such pulling and hauling, Would have been shocked, and have shown it by means more effective than squalling I dare not attempt to describe it. But horse-play they call it, I think. Any respectable donkey, I’m sure from such grossness would shrink. CHARIVARI. | Curious creatures, these men, and their Civilisation ’s a 61 puzzle ; F Proud of their speech, yet their mouths I have often a yearning to muzzle. Language? A howl or a squeak is sweet music to Arry’s foul oath Or sensual snigger. Friend Darwin says Man is the ultimate growth Developed from—not Megatheriums—that I do hope of a verity, Or else I should be so ashamed to acknowledge my latest ty. Rest ? Recreation? Oh dear! Loose loafing, and lewdness, and beeriness. Say, is a hog in a stye a worse instance of coarseness and dreariness ? Doubt_if the Sages have done their full duty by human 1ety, Until they impart to Amusement more decency, sense, and variety. THE MINISTERIAL DINNER AT GREENWICH. First Version. (According to the imagination of the poetical British Public.) Prime Minister ( the Waiters have brought the coffee and retired), And now, my dear colleagues, let us discuss the events of the coming CO8S. Secretary for Foreign Affairs. 1 shall devote the whole of my time to oqpanes the schemes of Russia in Asia. I may wee that I have already — [ His voice is lost in a confidential whisper. Secretary for War, Yes, of course I must look after the Army. I think I can tell you now the conclusions at which the Committee of Reorganisation will assuredly arrive. First the cavalry will—— [ Explains plans. First Lord of the Admiralty. Ah! and now about those Chinese gunboats. Of course we must try a counter move, and I have already made arrangements Enters into interesting details. Chancellor of the Exchequer. Yes; 1 hope to have time to finish the Bud You see—— [ Goes into figures. Home Secretary. 1 am glad to have an opportunity of your opinion before we part on a matter of vast im- rtance. I wish to discuss Capital Punishment. Now, can not help believing—— Avows his belief. Prime Minister. My dear friends, before we break up, one word. It is my intention during the Recess to devote myself to creating a new Empire which shall far surpass in grandeur ancient Rome or the modern Indies, (/nter a Waiter, abruptly.) Bring some more cigars! [Exeunt Ministerial party, dissembling. Seconp Version. (According to the inner consciousness of the prosaie Mr. Punch.) Prime Minister (a the Waiters have brought the coffee, and retired). And now, my dear colleagues, let us discuss the events of the coming " Secretary for Foreign Affairs. I think I shall go to aeaee, ou see it is a very pleasant place, and the pee e know me, Then, later on, if I can, I may have a ittle yachting. [His voice is lost in a confidential whisper. oo teogg Ftd War. Yes, of course I shall have some shooting. They tell me that, bya little careful nursing, the pheasants—— Explains plans. wrst Lord of the Admiralty. Ah! and now about those improved steam-launches! Of course I must get one for my place on the river. I have already made | arrangements [Enters into interesting details. Chancellor of the Exchequer. Yes ; I hope to have time to run over to Monte Carlo. You see—— [ Goes into figures. Home Seeretary. 1 am glad to have an opportunity of taking your opinion, before we part, on a matter of vast importance. *T wish to diseuss Port Wine. Now, I can- | = help believing that if you get it over in the wood, and—— Avows his belief. Prime Minister. My dear friends, before we part, 00 word. Mind, during the , not a word of “ shop.” I won’t be both with any nonsense. I want to be | niet, and not to create new Empires surpassing ancient | e or the Indies. And now, as you have | finished al/the wine !—( Enter a Waiter, abruptly}—Bring | some more cigars! {[ Exeunt Ministerial party, dissembling. | VOL,” LXXVII. G

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 16, 1879,

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

miley,

TTT CLALIT

— ~D SWS 7 p of the remaining Civil ie Estimates, and on some way with the i! r HH. S . MA RI S. & « A Army Estimates also, Hibernian Obstruction notwithstanding. WP ote. > adam ~ Monday (Lords).—Honour to the brave—and the successful. On , ; ee the motion of Lord Cransroox, a vote of thanks to the Governor- General of India, and Her Majesty's military forces in the late—happily late—Afghan war, . + nem. con.—save that the Earl of GranvILLE questioned the propriety of including the Viceroy’s name in the resolution. e noble Earl probably wished to avoid the ) sqpeasenee of committing himself and his party to approbation of the policy of waging a war for a scientific frontier. But their Lordships, whatever doubt any of them may have had about that, unanimous! voted that the war had been well waged. East India Loan Bill read a Second time, and the other orders of the day disposed of paucis verbis. : (Commons.)—Duplicate to Lords’ vote of thanks moved by the CuanceLLor of the Excneqver, and duplicate assent and objection thereto on the Liberal behalf expressed by Lord Hartrneton. Actual omission of Lord Lytron’s name flatly moved by The Major, who compared him to Sir Bante Frere (meaning an odious comparison) and accused him of having mi 1 the resources of I Amendment, of course, seconded by an Irish Member, and supported by other Irish Members of the same description; but backed also by Sir W. Hancovet, Mr. Jacon Bricut, Mr. AnpErson, and'Sir Witraip Lawson. Negatived by 148 to 33. . Likewise, by 140 to 28, fared another Motion to the sem:> effect, which the facetious representative of merry Carlisle and the United

OO een ga

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Aveust 16, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 4 af L@ x Nttatnamadtisstittapzptashe«ssss, DN eet mst am mm e es ECONOMICAL. Young Wife (shopping). ‘‘1’M GIVING A SMALL DINNER TO-MORROW, AND I SHALL WANT SOME LAMB.” Butcher. ‘“‘ Yes’M. Fore-Qvarrer o’ Lams, ’M?” Young Wife. ‘‘ Wait, I THINK THREE QUARTERS WILL BE ENOUGH !” CORBOutpH__ BUTCHER al Zi SISSFL 7a 1 9 ”Y rane z z= cingiom Alliance was enabled to propose by a permissive form of the House. The Member for Glasgow, by the way, in opposing the vote of thanks, described the Afghan campaign as a “‘ twopenny-halfpenny affair.” Does not ‘‘twopenny-halfpenny” seem a_ remarkable epithet considered as applied to any affair so necessarily expensive oom the very cheapest campaign, in disparagement, by a Scotch- After customary disputation, vote at length agreed to. In Committee of Supply, Vote of Credit (£3,000,000) for the Zulu War agreed to likewise; as also sundry votes on Army Estimates. Thus much of ae expended and business done between the hours of four o’clock in the afternoon and ten minutes to three in the morning. Tuesday (Lords).—Met at five. Adjourned at twent after, having in the meanwhile four measures of, legislation. Humdrum business, but better than humbug. (Commons, a moved for going into Committee on the Irish University " The O’Dowoenve announced that, ‘‘ owing to representations made to him by several sincere friends of Catholic Education in Ireland,” an | his intention to proceed with his intended Motion to reject Mr. P. J. Swyr moved that the Bill be referred to a Select the Motion. ° RNE MorGan recommended the Cuancettor of the Excueqver to put this little Bill upon that funeral pile which very soon he would have to light. A remarkable suggestion of cremation = from the author of the Burials Bill erence to a sense generally ex ressed that the Bill, ha t lame affair, was on the one Rand a compromise Da py other an instalment, the House was allowed to go into Committee Debate on an Amendment moved by Mr. Covrtyey, with a view to effect the object of the Bill by enlarging the existing Queen’s minutes practical Mr. CourtNry su University’s Charter, occupied the rest of the day, all but a short time devoted to Railway and other basiness. (Evening.)—Debate on Mr. Courtney’s Amendment resumed ; and Amendment finally withdrawn. Another Amendment, moved also by Mr. Courtney, and others by other Hon. Gentlemen, rejected. Then, further consideration of the Bill postponed: the House adjourni f. Note, that among the supporters of this Bill was Mr. Newproarr. Hence it would seem to be at any rate a measure little calculated to Catholicise Science and History, in education, overmuch. Wednesday.—The Irish University Bill passed through Committee, unaltered by several attempted Amendments, except that, a new clause having been moved by Mr. J. LowrueEn, enlarging the powers of the Senate, words, on the motion of Mr. Newpgcatz, wore there- unto added, providing that the name of each member of the Govern- ing Body shall be laid before Parliament. Obviously a requisite safeguard, and a rational if Protestant precaution. Brief despatch of further business, and then adjournment of the House, with a hearty appetite, no doubt, on the part of Honourable | Members invited to partake of the Lord Mayor’s Dinner to Her Majesty’s Ministers. Respice finem. But the end is not quite yet. Thursday (Lords).—Business undone. The Volunteer Corps (Ireland) Bill, sent up from the Commons, and moved by Lord | Monck, was thrown out through vote of Previous Question moved by Lord Waveney, and carried by a majority chiefly of Irish Peers in the proeccees of 39 to 16. Is this the way, my to cultivate Irish loyalty, obliterate national distinctions between Her Majesty’s subjects, snuff out Home-Rule, and consolidate the Union ? ? From the foregoing figures, however, it will be seen that the majo- rity of the Peers were absent from the House ; and an Irishman, oe, might truly say that most of those present also were a tees. Business done. Their Lordships passed the East India Loan and the Turnpike Acts Bills; after which they forwarded some smaller Bills a stage, and rose at seven in the evening. (Commons.)—In answer to Sir H. D. Woxrr (and not Sir WILrurp

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—— es =: ee 2 64 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avevst 16, 1879. Lawsow), Mr. Stanmore said it was proposed to abolish the office of beer-taster at the India Office. The existence of such a functionary is probably new to most of us. Unless his place be a sinecure, his duties must be bitter work. The remaining business of the Session was promoted, in Parlia- mentary fashion, by a long palaver about it. The Cuancettor of the Excurever announced that the Public Works Loans Bill would be taken on Saturday. Mr. CHAMBERLALN, by way of consulting expedition, moved the adjournment of the House in order to beseech Sir Starrorp Norta- COTE to massacre more Innocents out of some thirty-six still linger- ing, and, in particular, at least to pare the Public Works Loans Bull of its contentious clauses. To this request, and to other appeals from Hon. Members, the CHANcELLOR replied that he intended to put the Bankruptcy Bill out of its misery, and to reduce the Corrupt Practices Bill to a year’s continuance Bill’; but to with the Banking Bill, as well as the Public Works Loans Bill, which Mr. Coamper.arn was hi to blame for having im on a technical xt. As to asked to cut off the * contentious clauses,” all he could say was, “ won't.” The House resounded with cheers, The Right Honourable Gen- tleman had, at length, shown that he could 7 “No.” wpin, weted all tho pemaiaian teagan thet, Miieos eal eles, Supply, vote the remaining i ivil, Military other having thus completely estimated the w of the esti and determined, for Session, the question of Supply and Friday (Lords).—Lord CranBrook, in reply to Lord Carnarvon, told their Lordships that the Government were determined to break up the Indian Museum. It was expensive, and inadequate to the uses it ought to serve. Its economical and botanieal parts would to Kew; the others elsewhere amongst various institutions to be decided on after thought. Lord Satispury, answering Lord SrraTHEepEN anD CAMPBELL, announced that all the Russian forces had cleared out of both Eastern Roumelia and Roumania, and also of Rustchuk—the latter on the 4th instant. A good riddance of those same Russians. Having made progress with a few practical Bills of minor moment, their Lordships rose. Commons (Morning). — The Cuancettor of the Excnrqver created a laugh by saying, in reply to a question from Mr. Luoyp, that the renewal of the Ballot Act was a question for next Session. Is Sir Starrorp also among the wags ? The séance was mostly spent in a lively and animated discussion of a Contract newly made with the P. and O. Company for the con- veyance of Indian Mails. On Division upon an amendment moved by Mr. J. Hots, Contract affirmed. Evening.—Sir Witrkrp Lawson, in moving an address to Her Majesty praying her not to seqeeve of the erection of an Image to the late Paryce ImperiaL in Westminster Abbey, took occasion to pitch, with natural if indisereet indignation, into the Bonapartes ; whereby he reaped the reverse of the House’s approbation. The Cuayncettor of the Excuequver rebuked the Champion of Temperance for his outspoken language ; ing, by the way, occa- sion to state that the proposal to erect the said Image came from Dean STaNLEY, and in no way originated from the QuEEN. After deprecation, in various quarters, of needless introduction of Foreign Politics, and amid vociferous manifestations of impatience ont the part of Hon. Members, the subject of the Napoleonic Effigy The Vote for Queen’s Coll: in spite of opposition by Mr. Suaw, was aflirmed. Other Money Bills and Orders of the. day were pro- moted a stage, and the House shut up shop. CRANIOLOGY ON THE CONTINENT. From a statement in La Nature, Mr. Punch, it appears that Dr. Le Bow has lately published a number of interesting measur- ments of the capacities of the skulls of statesmen, philosophers, and men of science, literature, and learning of whom brain-room is mostly above the average. La Nature, however, also says that Dr. Borprer lately measured thirty-six crania of guilloti mur- derers in the museum of Caens, and found that “their average was very respectable’; likewise that the French crania shown at the last anthropological exhibition, which were those of criminals who had died in prison, “‘ had mostly capacities much above the average.” Perhaps greatness of character in the way of Jonaruan Wixp the Great, as well as in that of an ALFRED, or any other personage, as well as great, immoral equally wi moral greatness, may erally conditional on tness of the brain, and then we ought of course to find a little cranial cavity distinctive of petty rogues and thieves. But perhaps we shouldn’t ; and how to ascertain whether or no? How are British physiologists to , like MM. Le Bow and Boxpter, any a me the skulls of eximi- which they niight be helped by Mr. Marwoop and the prison authori- ties are doomed to moulder in caustic earth, and be destroyed, never, like Yorick’s skull, to be dug up again. Might not these skulls be turned to physiological account? Would it not be better if they were, and if investigators could at least obtain casts of the heads of deceased malefactors, and convicts were thus made to contribute somewhat—post mortem, at “7 rate—to the good of Society ? Or would it, in the view of the Home Office, be of no advantage at all to Society, medical or moral, to ascertain the relations existing, if any exist, between the mind and the brain; the contents of the cranium and the character? Is cerebral physiology, in cular, as Mr. Toots would say, of no consequence ; or, indeed, Pye logical science, so called, at large and altogether all humbug ese uestions about brains may perhaps next Session exercise those of the Collective Wisdom, in so far as brains are exercised in the pro- ceedings of Parliament. In the meanwhile, the ts of physio- logical research remain, to the extent above ted, forbidden himself | fruits to the English cultivator in his own countsy, the land of the Master Harvey, and of namesake of Lrretgsopy Hunter. THE EXCURSIONIST. \ He was wandering wide on the bleak sea-wall, By the mud where the waves ought to be ; And the wind played a game with the coat and the shawl, And the gingham umbrella, and the gay - And the basket and bag De was laden withal, And the wife and the children three. Clearly he Was enjoying what he’d call “‘ a spree.” But his eye rolled wild, as the rude East wind Whisked his Sunday hat far out te sea ; . And he swore a sad oath as he chattered and grinned, — While his wife round his head her best handkerchief pinned, And the children howled loud, with their faces all skinned, And their trousers all burst at the knee. For you see The East wind was uncommonly free. Then the merciless rain on the sea-wall smote, And the gingham was blown inside out ; And the gay parasol, and the shawl, and the coat ; And the = and the basket were fairly afloat, And the wife of his bosom blown over a boat, And the babies all flying about— Such a rout! ‘Twas a pitiful sight, without doubt. Still that singular man kept his strange wild course By the marge of that mud-covered bay; _ And he laughed a grim laugh that was strident and hoarse, As he saw how the wind had pronounced a divoree ; For his wife and his babes were borne on by its force Till they vanished in mist far away. I may say, nals as compared with those of the better classes? The skulls to I was shocked at his seeming so gay.

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Aveust 16, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. I was gaunt as I marked how, through pitiless rain, He wen S wandering oe on all that day ; And I thought, if I happened to meet him again, I would ask for what sin he endured all this pain, And the reason he roved on the brink of the main While his wife and his tebe were astray. For this trait Seemed a strange sort of thing to display. So I asked that weird man if he’d give me the tip Why he wandered on thus through the pour And he eyed me with scorn, while a grin Pearied his lip, As he answered, ‘‘ This here is a cheap Pleasure Trip: Seven hours by ‘the sea, and a blow, and a dip, And a walk by the bootiful shore Then o swore | For he ’d got all he’d paid for—and more, HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. (Being a Dickens of a Dickshunary for the use of Visitors to the Metropois.) BOROUGH (THE). spy od gelchonted for its Welsh Rabbits, A deal of here for London BOTANI 1c JLETY’S GARDENS .—Celebrated for its ** Flower Shows,” which, being invariably held on wet days, are called “ Shower Flows.” The Fellows make a fine income out sof their shares being worth scent per scent. ‘‘ Tickets of Leaf” are given to subscribers and Fellows: conditions of entrance for strangers are that you can’t come in without somebody’s leaf. BOXING.—A custom in the on the 26th of December, hen © So Just 00 wes fo Doe of London, The police never inter- fere. The ceremony of Boxing Se 5 the pe by the Man at the Wheel, at the Docks, is on Hl out ‘of London, is wher Box mat x first ti separation, and acknowledged = without a strawberry mark on the left little inn, much frequented by Londoners, who are Box Hill coach, paying extra for the Box seat—in commemoration of this historical event everything is done to you of the eele- brated brothers—the poultry-yard i is h round with pes, on tas box and cocks may be associated ; while the German beer is ray FG tapped from ls by turning cocks, oo Bocks and Cecks. However, this is not y! in London; so let us return. “OR TISH u sEUM, —A capital place to go into when it rains. a here is of British manufacture, no matter what label it hence the name. There is a fine collection of umbrellas in in the hall, an if you are very careful, you may leave with some little memento of your visit. e Museum is devoted entirely to the amusement of the public. Reading-Room there are about 100,000 volumes always on hand, and you are allowed one every five ‘minu ey pencil, and mak the ra he or write your to” ore it cad" by the British Museum” after tt and then you can take it with you. You can insist on the attendants taking ladders and reaching you down any book you may wish to see from ted| pastime. T the highest shelves. For a small to the poor-box os secure the entire attention of a ip Aa your stay in the Museum, who will light candles to Stenioone manuscripts, wind up the Megatherium, which plays several tunes, and show you the Great Seals, quite tame, ad and, when you require relaxation, he will play with you at Elgin Marbl es, gi re ae first kangen down and ifteen out of forty. Do not leave wi the Assyrian Gallery .an early number of the Daily yelerogh containing a graphic and interesting accountjof the Creation, written on the ol by_ their Own Correspondent, probably Mr. Guo. Avausrus Get_your attendant to give you some of the most amusing stories in the Witt Collectio: o not omit to visit the statue of’ Jog Miter, aboat whieh you may remember there was so much excitement, oat the cusstitoance - Joe Mitier have a statue?” became of political significance. Walk into the Ethno- Department, and we god who has had his day. Don’t i however. barnes d the conduct of the man who took off his hat to a broken- aaa statue of Jupiter, on the plea that _ cm in the shade now, yet he might come into power ae.” Vive Hewnt Cing! Henxt sank, but Henri may rise. otice up on the Coin and Medal Room,’ “Please not to Medal with the Coins.” Go in the spirit of inquiry, and in every depart- ment get‘hold of the attendant in charge, and keep on asking “*T say, look here, what’s this?” If he wat 3 tell yo complain of him to the Governor of the Museum, who will suiah bien giving him so many pages of the Catalogue to learn +. a a night, and repeat without book before breakfast every morning, for three months. You a, may only joke with the attendants in the Witt Collection. faze the 7 oe gevamemed to being dug in the ribs and slapped on the several cases of fine-pointed jokes, cutting mt, Srpway | Smira’s patent incisor, a new hand- for turning a conversation. On Sunday, admission can be obtained over the care having been taken the previous day to procure a few of the Sele keys. Follow out this advice, and no matter where es come from, or where you want to go to, you’ll soon find the nearest station. BROMPTON." —‘‘ Stands Brom itdid?” Certainly not. It has almost entirely disa; tradition of its Oratory— the Brompton Oratory— as an evidence of the pecu- liar oratorical talents of its lh en of the Oratory the inhabitants oo cultivate the Flowers ric. BROOKS’S CLUB,—The Club that Brooxs used is still shown at 60, St. James's Street. The Brooxs in question was not our own mt « a + ~ Son a club, and tter: with a strong ot staff. BUC ighbourhood of outing E Forest. heturds pearie day sort of wg bebe of a the iussias visited uestion to co pe hamberlain was, ‘* W ee ath ran foe horrified ou an \ r ‘ ** Give me a knouting ! ! And he had not Her Sas Mi seers entered at the pemenh, oe sracioua ily xpaine reply, and taken the Autocrat, nolens volens weenie PAT ACH “Bad ur um- . Saat eM rhoy Tl uak, 72>: brella. 0 Youn la! Eyes right - bg Friend!” Then wait for them to answer, * Pass frie: zaps Friend, when you at once enter the yard, and walk straight p th Falgee. tori th Fire, wate nat, is necessary, UEEN, as Victoria receives in § On ©: however, only dress and a “ top hat” are de rigueur, and y erase pasa the under-butler, fe inquire if “ a a ond, admit ox pool * Ea Palace ar” is either a - ae from Madame Tussavn’s rabid de satcn ammo of the figures to fill up the groups & gracefully, and a deposit 2: left «, Baker Street as security. the Drawing-Koom is over, uly returned before eig t Oelock in the evening, the great Ohi of State having to make good any damage done to the figures. of Palace are soar, and altogether it is =. a an where to spend a happy BURLINGTON ARCADIA.—A Western lying midway between one of the frontiers of Bohemia and the border of via. Here Burl -y™ ‘= Pe ery stroll about, living by hook and b -— Soa or fleecing, is a favourite reade i was probably built by Cardinal Woor- SEY, and meee as a dry skittle-ground, or an ——— alley, to Henny tux Exonru. Admission, free—and eas BUSSES,—(See Conpuctors.) GkAURST” BILL. An ere 16 a i a petty new hotel, recently built. London, his we going « y QUEEN will give “Ak he would ha Ned * The

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HINTS FOR TRAVELLERS. By Mr. Punch’s impulsive but cautious Contributor.) Amsterdam.—Capital place! most interesting ! ictures, and trees, and—yes—canals. thoughts, the place is very damp, and, perhaps—— course: with Boulogne.—Ah! excellent! So near town, and so lively! | Splendid bathing— | charming café on the pier! On second thoughts, there ’s the Porte, and, per- haps—— Cologne.—Most interesting ! and cathedral! Noble river! The place where the Khine be- comes beautiful! And then there ’s the Eau de Cologne ! On second thoughts, a propos of the Eau, the real perfume of Cologne is—well— perhaps Dieppe.— The very spot! A tho- roughly French wa- tering- place, with all the charms of pleasant society, good hotels, and a glorious sea! On second thoughts, the sea voyage over is outside six hours, and, perhaps—— Etretat.— Could scarcely do better! Sure to meet a num- ber of charming per- sons ; and the dresses are lovely! On se- cond thoughts, dres- sing three times a day when you are away from London is— well — per- haps —— ‘lorence.—Grand! Such Art-galleries! 4 man + scarcely claim to be proper educated unless he has seen and appre- ciated the treasures of Florence! He must now dawdle away his time in a hotel. On second thoughts, the hotels are not very com- fortable until later in the year, and, perhaps—— Genoa, — Also in Italy — glorious Italy! The land of sunshine and bright skies ! On second thoughts, dirt is not improved by a strong light, and, perhaps— - Heidelberg. — The subject of many an Artist’s pencil! And the place deserves the honour! What a glorious view meets your gaze, after hr have climbed the mount upon which the thoughts, ascending a hill in August is no joke, and, really, secon perhaps—— [Aveusr 16, 1879. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. means rain, and when it rains at Inter In Holland, of| circular ticket! On second | touring is—well—yes— perhaps—— Kiel.—Very interesting ! ‘ ‘ ‘ Z + y UMBRELLA ON THE BRAIN. OwING TO THE WEATHER, AND FOR VARIOUS OTHER REASONS, THE BROWNES ARE PRE- VENTED THIS YEAR FROM TAKING THEIR CONTINENTAL TRIP, VERY MUCH TO Mrs. Browne’s DISAPPOINTMENT, WHO CONSTANTLY DREAMS THAT THE FAMILY UMBRELLA HAS BEEN CON- | VERTED INTO WINGS, AND 1HAT SHE AND HER HUSBAND FLY TO OTHER CLIMES, IN BLESSED Interlacken.—One of the sweetest spots in Switzerland! A de- INDEPENDENCE OF RAILWAYs OR STEAMBOATS. lightful place! Then how grand to watch the sun set over the Jung- frau in rosy majesty! On second thoughts, a red glow in the morning ken—well—per Jerusalem.—A grand idea! Not so very difficult to reach with a On second thoughts, ‘personally conducted” interesting, indeed! So thorough] Ve You find everything so Dute Castle stands! On | England! perhaps—— haps—— here the Danes tried hard to hold their own. On second thoughts, a German watering - place is not suggestive of— well—perhaps—— Lucerne.—Lovely spot. Schweitzer- hoff Hotel quite the best in Switzerland ; and then the beau- tiful lake! On se- cond thoughts, you ought not to get too — the water, and rhaps ates, —In Spain. Quite new ground to thou- sands! So easy to get to nowadays! Then think of the bull-fights! On se- cond thoughts, the food at the hotels is not exactly—well— perhaps—— Naples. — Of course, see it and die! it is scarcely a day’s journey from me, and you can get there in less than no time. All you have to do is to put ourself in the train. n second thoughts, railway travelling far south in August i — per- is — well po Ouchy. — Most eterseree! ‘ i u Rivage simply charming ! Splendid unds, numerous ances, and lots of music! On second thoughts, a band under your window before you are well awake is—well— perhaps—— Paris.—Of course! Paris is a necessary ! Consider the Boule- vards, the theatres, the streets baskin in the sun-light! On second thoughts, the glare of Paris in August is— well— perhaps—— it TE in America! De- lightful trip. In these days of fast travelling a mere nothing! On se- cond ughts—the Atlantic. Under the circumstances, really—really—per- otterdam,— foreign after leaving after you land. On second thoughts, before you land, the average voyage is—well— St. Petersburg. — Everybody ought to know something about

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aveusr 16, 1879. | é| ILC MAN 2 | ee b | a eng NaS ( r we) alll whl a WO RTO bal VON A RE UN At | ih bi MMC a Ne rr Fe rh ' eww iS erro eS oO Oct [i - 'ee + SO | @Oecrtr t's AN UNSATISFACTORY TERM. Mr. Burt. “ AND THOSE ARE YOUR ONLY PRIZES?” Master Beyzamiy. “ YES, SIR. WE DID OUR BEST; AND WE SHOULD HAVE DONE BETTER IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR THOSE IRISH FELLOWS!” (ew ft co

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Aveust 16, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | Russia. It is easy enough to get there. Every night a train starts from Paris for St. Petersburg direct. | f comfortable journey) you find yourself in the city of and Nihilists. On second thoughts, a foreigner, in turbed state of the country may—well—perhaps—— Trieste.—A (delightful spot, full of interest. maguiowt port, | and fine bathing! Italian and Austrian officials. On second thoughts, as there is se m discontent ripe just now, and the Italians are so fond of revolutions, perhaps—— a Uig.—Delicious spot! Sounds foreign, too, but it isn’t! On second thoughts, with the Continent before you, why go to Scotland ? So, really, perhaps—— Venice.—Ah! The loveliest place Such palaces, ies, such churches! And then lounging all day statues, present dis- in the world! such yg ym listening to e songs of the boatmen and the hum of the insects | really, spot! Within easy distance of lots of nice * distractions ’’ associated with green On second ha oad’ = @eed oa fore too mugh of On second thoughts, the mosquitoes are simply Yes, perhaps—— Wiesbaden.—Charming places, too! A few years i cloth, cards, and ivory were quite the vogue. thoughts, ex-gambling places rather dull, and Yarmouth.—By all means, if you don’t want to place for bloaters. On second thoughts, you may the savour of the sea, and so, perhaps—— In a very short time (after a | Zurich.—On the lake! So delicious! Suggestive of a soft song and perfect rest! On second though ae want perfect rest you ought not to take a long tour and—— —yes—perhaps—perhaps ou had better avoid all these places—and—yes, to be sure—stay at ome ! The Alderman’s Friend. ADVERTISEMENTS describe the new remedial pre reduction of corpulence as an American invention ; but Mr. AULDJo affirms its original discoverer to have been a brither Seot. He informs us that ‘“‘ Anti-Fat” was first obtained and applied to the abatement of obesity by Mr. MacLean. ation for the A ROYAL FUGITIVE. |. Waes, seeing that Cerewayo has taken to flight, go about aflirm- |ing that his name should now be unced with a variation. The King of the Zulus, they say, ought, in his present circumstances, to | be called Cur-awar-O! | Mrxep Marmemarics.—Given a Donkey-Engine, to determine its | Horse-power. ———=—_—_——— —— MORIBUND. (Monody by a much-fagged Member.) “The speeches at the Ministerial dinner at the Mansion House are the dying swan-song of the Session.’’— Times. Tae Session dies! Swan-like? Oh, Jupiter, Remembering sadly how St. Stephen’s carries on, ethinks you err ; Small aptness is there in the strained comparison. The points of the analogy to trace, Pray what of music, dignity, or grace Lg yw the parting Session’s exit ? ; We'd let the poor thing we would not vex it With memories. But music? One might take The charivari at an Irish wake As a more fit similitude. How truly ’T would type the Celtic shindyings, rude, unruly, That long have plagued the Ley tympanum ! Swan-song? ’Tis alla hum! You joke with us, great Jupiter, and smile In grim Saturnian style. Post-prandially let Ministers rejoice, To lend the dying Session dulcet voice ; Our aching ears have memory, and know better. Though WuerHaM, after many a liberal wetter, Expand in glowing glory, And shout his tintamarre to all that ’s Tory ;— Though Samira and Bury our twin forces butter, While vinous cheers greet every vaunt they utter ; Though Beaming Bensamin Vent bland beatitudes about Berlin, And scientific frontiers bought, not paid for, Or oo a pleasing puzzle, plainly e for The Sphinx’s latest, than its earliest tougher, And fog with p each bucolic buffer ;— The Let SaLispury and Norrucore bandy banter, In imitation of the Arch-Enchanter, And cits shout praise till all appears (True) Blue, It will not do! He had THE FRATERNAL AGE. (A Fragment.) ‘* Victor Huao, who presided yesterday at a lecture by M. Lovis Bianc, said that in the twentieth century war, capital punishment, monarehy, | disappear.’’— Daily Paper. dogmas, and frontiers would all es now that no one = had written the 7 history of a crime. Why?’ Because to write the his- tory of a crime you require these two things— a Police-Court and a_Reporter. But the flat of the twentieth cen- tury had gone forth, and said to the Police-Court and the Reporter, * Now then, what are you doing here?” Then it effaced them. Henee, at Port- aux-Anes on the first day of April, 1979, there was nothing left but the Policeman. At first hefhad not liked this. said to hi eatch—not even the M and tried to catch himself tripping. After this he sang a catch. But he still felt out in the cold. This was something. It enabled him to catch one. villagers said, ‘‘ The empty charge-sheet has done it. It has proved a wet blanket.” This reminded him of the bed of the river. . No one had ever yet communicated to him any determined to stand on the bank, and dropitaline. It himself, ‘ No thieves, no business. There will be nothing to istrate’s eye!” Then he skipped about on his beat. to his advantage. He seemed to him the way ‘* Capital Muniments” comfort not us, And as for Ben’s new-fangled Cerberus, The triune peasan Evolved, like the sae German’s camel, From an imagination facts ne’er trammel,— Political economy made pleasant i comic quips and cranks, ay charm the Tory ranks, Accustomed to be fed on x As nubibustic as the realms of Nox ; But you ’ll as soon check earthquakes with a fiddle As settle the Land-Question with a riddle ! The Session ’s moribund ; all men rejoice. _ But for its parting voice, To call it “‘ swan-like” were a mere abuse horic. it must strike uch more like No, Jupiter, mere As w The dreary, dying eackle of a gocse ! to catch something. : He said, ‘‘ 1 am now on my own hook, and can enjoy my leisure.” He was right. It was his bank holiday. But a picture of recreation may sometimes be too highly coloured. Even the account of a bank holiday may be overdrawn. Such was the case with this one. Then it came to a close. low ? By a sudden check. ha This very extraordinary thing had happened. Five hundred thousand strangers, Ply armed, with powerful field and siege axtillery, arrived at the lit nes, and asked for dinner. When five hundred thousand strangers, Salty armed, equi vided with powerful field and siege artillery, for dinner, - - to pay for it. hese five hundred thousand ot forgot to Then some one uttered this tremen ous word, ~ And now these two were facing each other. Marshal meeting a Policeman. The ridi (oh frightful antagonism. Then they talked through an . ui , and provided e Lin of pind au- , and pro- y sometimes for it. ! ” * A Field- A Mime!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avousr 16, 1879. | DESECRATION ! English Angler (on Saturday Evening). ‘‘ ANYBODY EVER FisH UP HERE ON A SunpDAy, M’vum?” Scotch Landlady (in consternation’. ‘‘ Hecn, MON! yE’D BE Jam’T!!” —_— ** Where are we now ?” * Over the frontier.” ** Over the front tier. Then I am im the pit. ** Possibly. But they are not admitted ** Seven be !’ Capital punishment is abolished.” Then the free list cannot be suspended.” “True. Who sent you in?” ** My master, the President.” ** Does he ride on a Circus horse, wear epaulettes, draw £300,000 a year for doing nothing, lay foundation-stones, and lunch with a military band * © t ** And have his head stamped on halfpence ?” ** Quite so.” ** And will his heir in turn be died also?” ** The President never dies.”’ “‘ Then there is no Monarchy. Without Monarchy there can be no war. You'll have to go back.” You cannot alter the determination of an e ment. Logic is thrown away upon the whelk. These things must be trea e the last omnibus. They must allowed to pass. The ng « = knew a ae these Pa _— Lewy xr strangers, armed, equi i rovi wi e and siege artillery, ah: ini ir way. So they passed. >. >. And now the world had witness this colossal a) I have orders,” seven.” a) “ train by argu- pouranl ah ; * *. _ * for the seven-and- tieth time to is— Paris invaded. nat it, and it will open ite tall ot you. This i i i s open you. Then | advertisements disfiguring the hoardings and walls has It is the language of the Phenix. has spoken. Then men look at each other and say, ‘ This is the twentieth century. Everything disagreeable has been abolished. There surely cannot have been an invasion ?” Someone has replied, ‘‘Oh dear no, not in the least. merely been a fraternal walk over.” a a synonym History has affixed a splendid comment—she has said, uw er!” Everybody is satisfied. Paris It has THE WEATHER AND THE CROPS. Catt not present weather fickle. Now, in sunshine bright and blithe, When the Swain should whet the sickle, Rain, too constant, wets the scythe. Wet, wheat harvest still delaying, Soul of British Farmer grieves, In his fields around surveying Haycocks piled instead of sheaves. Strawberries have outlived their season ; But their flavour’s nearly none: Mulberries ripen not, by reason Of the woful want of sun. Yet, though cereal crops look shaky Hope we still that things will mend, Turning out all right, old Mecut, As a trivet, in the end. APOLOGY FOR PUBLIC ART. A perence of the glaring monstrosities in the shape of plstartad up by Mr. Sowersy. He quotes in their behalf the declaration of a Saint, and Sage as well, that ‘* Picture idiotarum sunt libri.”

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| Avausr 16, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Nevius Bromisy Looks so comely, Epitu BLANDE Jery ALMA STANLEY Rather manly ; I was took With little Miss Brooxe, Who — And vothing alles It will not come to any but the poetic mind that ** no- thing allus” is poetic licence for “ nothing else.” Mr. G@noven, & good low , of the Comp- tonian atom who hing Vulcan, has some very funny business with ttle’ Miss Buoox, who takes the part of a diminutive 2... “2 Mars. As Mars she need, She ’s so well armed ! ’ But I hadn’t time to see more than the first scene, which seemed to promise well. Mn friend said, “ Stop! see Miss Emi.iz Corssy! ig still more, Mis L. Grtmorg. Stay half an hour "ll see Miss Gowsx, Miss Daisy CLive And others, five, Mise Sanewennn, Grey. You'd better stay!” My hand I kisses To all these And so depart. At duis eal, One Miss for me, and —miss all! Mora. The “ direction,” at least, is I admi' With [a “ Misses,” Sy pte one “ hit,’” So I went off to Another Drink, which seems to be getting | ae better than was at first expected, Mr. Anson and Doxaro being almost as good as "they are in The First a Wight. the first genuine success of the ~ ay fm tre under Madame’s management. f = So | tA sy > ee ; Tet or burlesque, but Au ave got A DANGEROUS RIVAL. fun out of it, "and left lots in it. Mr. Wyatt, as owes Fashionable Wife. ‘‘Goop Heavens, GEORGE! YOU ARE NOT GOING OUT TO] is a good dancer. He mself DINNER LIKE THAT! ?” in burlesque at the Strand, when he took Mons. Jam 8 Athletic Husband, “Just ain't | THovenH! Loox HER, Marts, I'LL GRANT a. iplunacy, and gave a very good imitation of rou your NgcK AND SHOULDERS, AND youR Pretty Face; but | rarmvx I ANKROFF. BEAT YOU IN THE MATTER OF ARMS—AND IF 80, WHY SHOULDN'T I sHOW As Be Deed iy bis at the Royalty they ’ve got a good Musical r. EDWARD apo who, in evening dress, all his glory—every net at ten!” OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. Pinafore has been to the front a good deal lotely, and ury. A Look-in at the Royalty and the Folly, and a Look-out again—A few Words The Company have got mixed up with TNs have about Pinafore — Lyceum — Absence — Novelty — Prospect—Suggestion— | toon tly, dearté, oF or rather, é-D! Oyley-carté d. Weather permitting. iat 8 pinefirs wee Seasias the crew of H.M.S. S1z,—The other - I went into the Royalty Theatre, now under the first-named barque | successful management of The Bruce, to see Crutch and Toothpick, a farcical being organi whe seems to have | comedy by ry Rh. ‘Sixs, followed by a mythological extravaganza— Venus, pode - barked course, now both written by Messrs. E. Rose and Aveustus Harris. The last Venus I had seen ots have let the steam off, it will all end in smoke ; at this theatre was Miss ADA CAVENDISH, now tragédienne de la premiére classe | librettist and composer will weep on the directors’ necks, — — 1. ane BERNHARDT, in fact—when Jzion, or Man at the | who, in turn, will join hands with Mr. Dowxey Carte— the rage, with Ferrx Rocers as an initnitable Minerva, Miss | which he isn’t i s an and the Bark of the | enol for othe deckite oung hero, Lyp1a Marrianpd a most glorious Apollo, | Barker — will call in the poor Joz Rosrys a stout rp fo and Davip James a spring-heeled at Merowy. worthy itect, aenses, FowLer, all play “ Fow.er Crutch and Toothpick, from. oa it may have been adapted my Leader ”—the Leader being Mr. CeLuien—and al! Grorer R. Sirus, is very funny i in its situations and business, has some capital | ena ing, piously, to CHAPPELL. dialogue, and is well acted all round. It is in for a long run—at least it sims “but £1 PP have ted fled from Town: the Friendly Zulus ei fini One of the best scenes is between Amy Jones and Cecil Leighton, two pasts I’m afraid I missed something in being away when pevitally ') iz ploged by Miss Neti Bromiey and Mr. Lytton Sornery, m, though Miss Genzvitve WARD appears in +~ the cast will probably have been altered. “ Walked in silk attire,” ot rl company ought to be gs together. Mr. Encar Bruce is to be con- : gratulated on having : 5 ae ee start, and having o> round him all | and the critics, out of consideration for the feelings of Sete of fa al sort of Company, equally good at farce ane dear eld “Pal,” felt that they and burlesque, y ae eee or verse, talking and 7’ ‘waldes, singing and “ Zillah had to spare.” as occasion ma . an Royalty where are thy ck y charms?” The spectator who drops in at ten—| But, I say, Simpson & Co., what are you about ? which he is wrong in as he will miss Crutch and Tooth +. but better Is this an exemplar late than never—will be able to answer this question satisfactori Of you and CLaupe Tamriar ?

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72 [Aveusr 16, 1879. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ee | If so, don’t do it your unnatural existence. ; , Mr. Invine promises a system of variety in his entertainments next season. in, or you ll be condemned to be branded | new plan of theatrical management—not unlike what Mr. HoLirnes- and watered, and marked with a Cigar on the Wrist for the rest of og %- accustomed us to at the Gaiety, and what we are promised y Mr. Invrxe. Count Bawxnorr, E is to have the Haymarket for the best part —_——$ = he Short runs and more pieces. Instead of the present long runs for a thousand and one nights, let us limit a success to one run of seventy or eighty nights, or even Pont Ar a hundred, during which the next new piece is being rehearsed. Then let the new lece predecessor, it can fulfil its term of one hundred nights while they | are preparing some light One-Act piece, or piéce Then the run of Number Two being finished, t alternated, and the new one-act vaudeville, or farce, or burlesque, | will o’er the downs so free”—when there’s a certaint gh the skin to the bone? The partridges are all drowned, there are no pheasants, the strawberries have got water on the brain, and the weather, with here and there a brilliant exception, may be words of the Scotch farmer, as ‘‘ Rain all d played with one or the other, or both. should be in rehearsal. filled, Actors would be in constant training, Authors h circonstance. two pieces could be In the meantime a new piece } d be ard at work Thus the r re woul to meet the demand, having, in addition to their nightly fee, an GOLDSMITH. twis Vrom readin’ newspeapers an’ books, which on’y puts dthings in a misk. do like dthings t’,be as they be, or t’ be as em onst n’ how I’ve a-got on zo well, I can tell ’e th’ why an’ becos: I A I ha’n’t got noo feelins nor care vor a man that’s a- Low —— or High Church, what odds? An’ ig. } e rough basis of a| am An excellent plan. of the year, and ie, Shamee for the other best part of it. i Bourgeois of the Asses’ Bridge—ftee yersion of will be _Les Kendals, comes out at the St. James’s, where Mr, have its tarn, and if as successful as its Sanriey will sing the opening chorus, set to some Will there be a Ballet of Injyable Injia, by Rajah Vat Parser, P theatres ought all to be doing well in such weather. ‘‘ Who Hare, wi to deseribed in the ‘Author's Night” for every rum and revival, as in the days of | show’rs between.” Who'll go out of town? Such seems to me something of th there, and everywhere es Bourgeois de roduced at the Prince of Wales’s, and Mr. pular Hare. of being ; ay, with I will, as sure as I Your REPRESENTATIVE. A VOICE FROM THE WEST. A, Measter Poncn! on un; Why he goos An hes letters an’ consarnin’ th’ has When me Lord t? wos ; ’em a fig. Whatsomever a Lord do wish done, th’ plain duty o’ we is t’ do it, An’ ef there’s a hole i’ th’ ballad, teaike care ’at noo eye do zee droo it. Civil’ty to yagents is chip, nout th’ wore’r but th’ brim o’ oon’s hat, a Just by lettin such voke A zort o’ a law’r he mid be, an’ not up to much about land, But he’s a-gotten th’ ear o’ me Lord, an’ carries A tenant wi’ such mun be sueut—a duck’d yead can come to noo harm. By straight votin’ an’ not tellin’ lies, I’ve al’ys bin free o’ me varm. But now there 's such care an’ contrivin’, such cuttin’ an’ countin’ th’ cost, ’Tis clear we can’t be as we hev bin, an’ th’ charm o’ th’ country is lost! — Vor a varmer to live like a treadesman, an’ work at his treade wi’ his brain, Vor a lan’lord to teake his bare rent, an’ not zeek vor noo furder gain, ’Twon’'t suit I, that’s vor sartain, an’ zoo I'll git out on’t, an’ dwell in a cot : An’ zoo call an’ smoke a pipe wi’ me, Measter Punch, if ye come near theaus | ought to do. spot. Ovr Lan’lord’s a grand zoft 6’ man, tho’ I ’zure ’e we zees little He hes yacres mwore land i’ th’ North, an’ a terruble fine house in Lonun; an’ he taaks to th’ Querw as a mid to a zurt o’ relation, apers by scores o’ the nation ; They do tell I, all awver th’ yearth there iddun noo pleace nor noo voke But he’s a gotten a vinger in pie, an’ ; gies ’em a cuff or a poke; _ Zo, in coorse, ’tis a natural thing that a zet o’ poor tenants like we, Tho’ we pays un his rent twice a year, shudden often clap eyes upon he: his yead a-stuck vull o’ Afganistan an’ Zululand, Th’ flavior,’s a-zort a-tuk out o’ our! bits o’ pasture an’ pleugh-land. ’Tis no mwore’n a man mid ex Why, J’ve proved th’ zame thing - _avore now. 3 When I’ve staid lateat market nextday | nothin’ hwomly ’ud relish noo how! Th’ zong zes ’tis zad vor t’ dthink th brightest things ne’er lastes long, But that Lan’lords should ha’ t’come | down betokens sure/y so’thin’ wrong! There ’s my neighbour, Writ Cox, zes "tis right ; but he’s gotten a zort o’ | ’ seame atween Toory an the reins in his hand ; their | unde | C@88a | when by the exercise of a little ingenuity the matter can » | be easily avoided. There, Sir, I think a trip conducted on my principle | should be about the cheapest on record. ’ their say a notch med be scored, min, at that. JERE. SMALLBONE. “ avpl ALTERAM PARTEM.” Mr. Srevenson has published a clever and amusing volume, entitled Travels with a Donkey in the Cevennes. This gives us the Driver's view. A contributor suggests that it might be instructive and amusing if we had the Donkey’s. 27 1 > »wpENTS. — The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, of for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by @ stamped and directed envelope. My Very pear Sir, I | Al I have over and over again impressed upon coat aie p po nevet been able to persuade you that a loan to me of the fidienlous sum of half-a-crown could, under any cireumstances, be considered a profitable investment. oor it is ever my endeavour to return good for evil. am occasion. Sir, Mr. Punch, I have noticed that one of your Contempora the subject of chea éxperience, for the I jot down a few notes. Route.—Doesn’t matter in the least. will, but take eare never to visit the same place twice. As novelty will be your aim, when you have once “‘ done ” a town you won't want to see it again. habitants of the neighbourhood will not desire to renew t. | (as it most likely will) surely it is a shame to give them , | cause for irritation. Always be considerate in your deal- | ings with your fellow-man. Journey Ticket.—Ot course you will borrow the mone | for this indispensable aid to travelling. Borrow as muc »| a8 you can. if you manage properly, that it will not cost you more | than second, or even third—in the long run. | Hotels.—Select the best and the finest rooms. | the table-@hétes, and drink the choicest wines. To act »| in a spirit of strict economy, all you will have to do is to rise before any one else is awake, and to leave your hotel | when all the officials are sleeping. | Golden Rule.—Never to pay. Address—well, no matter! Dear Mr. Pouncn | Co-operatives ? “ The London Co-operative Laundry, Limited.” Going to wash their own dirty linen. TO THOSE ABOUT TO TRAVEL. August 11, 1879. AM afraid you have always misunderstood me. that I am the very soul of honour, I have true to my principle on this, as on every other - ries has published a number of letters upon travelling. Allow me to offer my mefit of yourself and your readers. Go where you Besides the in- acquaintance with you—on friendly terms well If your presence makes them disagreeable Then journey first-class. You will find, Dine at It is perfectly unne- to be guilty of such a ridiculous piece of ceremony Always yours sincerely, JEREMIAH DIpDLER. Suds. What do you think is the latest move among the Have you seen this ? Just what they A Drisevstep SHOPKEEPER. THE LAST MUSICAL ANAGRAM, ** Pinafore,” ** Fine Op’ra.” Tur Lecenp or Exerer Hatit.—To be Sold. ‘opies should be kept.

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Aveust 23, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR [VARI 73 Admiring Friend, ““WuHat, ANOTHER fearven Wry, THAT’s THR Stoond YOU ’VE te an THs Weex!” Pictor, “Tar THirp, M¥ Boy, THE TurrpD!’ Admiring Friend (wishing to be pleasant). “‘ An, wospekrvL! Taat’s witaT I ALWAYS SAY WHEN I HFAR PRorte ABUSE Your Picrunrs. ‘THEY MAY bE BAD,’ | ALWAYS SAY 5 ‘BUT JUST LOOK AT THE LOT OF THEM HE TURNS oUT!’” “ NOBLESSE OBLIGE.” Nowapayrs when our native dramatists have to borrow so many ideas from the French, it is refreshing to find a novelty racy of the soil. Such a novelt Mr. Punch imagines he has discovered in the recently revealed privilege a Noble Lord to disregard the verdict of a County Court. ‘Tis true the case which brought this satisfactory state of the law to light turns cut to be a canard. Asa Ay -of-fact, no Nobleman has claimed his privi- lege, as a Peer, to avoid the payment of his coal-bill. Mr, Punch, however, publishes the following rough idea of the end of the Second Act of a domestic rama, for the benefit of those it may concern hereafter :— ScenE—A scantily orang, urnished apartment in the house of the Un- known. Large Eight-da hk in an old-fashioned case. C. WOLFHILDA regarding it with afrection, is discovered as the Curtain rises to soft and Pp music. eat Strike trusted friend of my childhood! Let thy chimes bring k to me the memories of the happy yt. As I listen to th silvery music Ao. d see a noble mansion crow humble friends with bended knees bowing before me. (Noise it hoce) What was that? (A hear tread seule we on the staircase.) Intruders! And my poor father, weary 0 -containing envelopes, asleep in yonder chamber ! He must not Ready fre an GoopHEART Gras.) What would ye? Goodheart Grab (with feeling). Fair lady, I would not distress ye—no, not “ Wold (o jerly). Then. ithdraw! W: Sir, but proud. W eager wi w ! e are poor, Sir, but proud. e have seen bet ter fa 7 Weller —tles es! (Looking at him steadily.) No, I do not know you! I have never seen your face before ! Goodheart Grab. that you had never seen it! Nay, do not start! My heart, Madam, is in the right place, although my profession forces me into none where (I admit it) I am anything rather than an honoured guest ! . What mean by these strange, these sob-shaken words ? Ouothoue Grab. Oh, t I could con my identity | Oh, that I could + seme my life as one long ane kindness and philanthropy! Madam, I am an officer — Wolfhilda (haughtily), An officer should be a gentleman! Goodheart Grab (earnestly). Ay, indeed he should! But is it gentlemanly to take the stair-carpet from the stair, to seize the arm-chair and the coal-scuttle ere they can be used, to lay desecrating hands upon the tea-tray, the foot-stool, the chandelier, and the homely but neces- sary kettle ? "Tell me is all this good, kindly—in a word, the conduct of a man of gentle birth ? Wolfhilda. As you put the question to me so plainly, I confess it ’s not ! Goodheart Grab, And yet all this—and more—must I do in the way of business! , woe is me! Would that I had been born to a happier lot! [Buries his face in his hands and weeps. Wolfhilda, And yet you say you are an officer ? Goodheart Grab (after an effort). The officer of the sheriff! Nay, do not shudder and turn away from me— ah! she has fainted! (Sadly.) Well, it is better as it is! Poor girl, I will Be e the sofa upon which she now reclines until the last. [Begins to remove the furniture. Can ine Sscorertt). fs wcising the Highteday clock | ith a shriek.) No y cloo Father, Father! Save it! The Unknown (entering suddenly in an enormous dress- ing-gown, which c somata Vane his epee). Hold! (In a tone of great ook t—hold ! Goodheart Grab (fierce i i x bey Fight do rs interfere? Know that I have a warrant of distress. but the bidding of my master. Your master, the Sheriff, before whom all men bow! (Calmily.) And now, Sir, who are you ma? The Unknown (haughtily), Who am I? (Throwing off crocing-geem 4 A Sey oy in a oar mantle and corgnel, hy “the hort Grab Work: mn he ke es and removing his a oy Your Grace! Pardon and tongs [ Grovels in the dust. mm (throwing her arms around the Fight-day dlock) Baved! Saved!! Saved!!! Tableau and Curtain, There, the Third Act must be left to the fancy of the dramatist himself. However, if the playwright has a very lively imagination, he might introduce s scene in the House of Commons in which the First Law Officer of the Crown oe be soem defending the principle of privilege—wit HOME-RULERS AT HOME. Home-Rvtez, that Irish device for epie Pe Empire, as it has hitherto been Her Majesty’s rational subjects. ms Sopenes now all at once to ave become quite — er th = An 1 meeting of Home-Rulers was held on Saturday last week, under the presidency of Mr. Panwett, at, of all places in the United Kingdom, the Crystal Palace, Sydenham. Mr. Breear and other speakers on that occasion are reported to have advised their hearers to vote, irrespectively of the principal political masticn, at the next election, for candidates to side with Home-Rulers. Excel- lent counsel to give the Irish inhabitants of this Island. For Irishmen domiciled in England, of course, Home- Rule simply means Parliament continuing to sit at St. Stephen’s. Thank subjects Brooar; thank you, Mr. PARNELL ; oak anol jects and citizens as the London Irish, and } vy rest of al com: atriots resident amongst English re generally are, it is almost certain that your admirable advice will be duly followed. A Crop in Cyprus. It rs from some somaiy putaiched correspond - ence that considerable offence has been given to the Cypriotes of the Orthodox Faith by Captain Ivoxis, the English Commissioner, in having, perhaps a little too unconditionally, introduced a certain regulation of = mestic prison iscipline into the poe economy of C ‘yprus The Captain, it seems, ordered the hair and beards o two priests imprisoned at Famagusta, to be cut. Perha this was a rather indiscriminate allotment of that tr British institution the County Crop. By the way, the County Crop, at any rate is a crop which will certainly prove to have been in no wise affected by the wet summer. VOL, LXXVII. A AEC APN LA NIE te a a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAR I. [Aveust 23, 1879. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. auf} i ys, Svat . \ = SY BN Ts = N v2 vA it ened XG aa Dp y WG aS La Wak \ if Me Me cogil Bz SaTuRDAY, August 9, Commons (Morning only).—The Consolidated Fund honmseaiaienl Bill brought i in by Sir Setwry Ipsetson amid much cheering, was read a first time during repeated demonstrations either of enthusiasm, or of delight in the prospect of the approaching | holidays, which moved Hon. Members to holloa, now at last seemin ° see x , way, although not yet having got absolutely, out o the w The Cuance.tor of the Excnzqver moved the Second Reading of |

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Avoust 23, 1879.]

SS ‘NN ~~ ~ ~ se | — el N ~ Ss - — a a = "eo: = Ss =~ >" > = ~ a, eS +S —S_ — es = POSS SR ENS CSS Ss + : . ' ne \ ee | 4 ARS i hi us | | A ul \\\ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

THE “PINAFORE” COSTUME. DEMORALISING EFFECT ON A WELL-BROUGHT-UP FAMILY.

a Bill involving the Beg of Protection, designed, however, to rotect ‘not British Industry from Foreign Competition, but the ational Treasury from | Micawbers, municipal authorities and ers, os to borrow more money from it than they ought. This, the Public Works Loans Bill, was opposed by Mr. CHAmBER- LAIN, who described it as a “ meddling and snliling ” measure, quoting his words; but borrowed language, in connection with a question of loans, may seem not incongruous. His opposition, seconded by Mr. Rrtanps, was, after some prattle, withdrawn, an the Bill allowed to be read a Second time. The House, then, having moved a few more steps onward in various islation of more utility than interest, adjourned. Monday (Lords).—Their Lordships, in a short sitting, expedited sundry matters of course. (Commons.)—Mr. Cross, with reference to the decision alleged to have been arrived at by the Jury on the Derby murder case by drawing lots, read a letter from the Foreman, conging that they had drawn lots, and explaining that, as six of them were for a verdict of murder and six for manslaughter, they had only balloted for a Chairman, who was to have a casting vote. This, the Home Secretary thought was doing much the same thing as what they were accused of doing. Did the ernment intend the capital sentence to be carried out ? Mr. Cartan. Mr. Cross thought it was quite unnecessary to ask such a question. It is no longer in these days quite a fact that— “ Wretches hang that jurymen may dine ;”’ ut at least one convict has had a narrow escape from being sent to the gallows by a toss-up, to which, virtually, Gentlemen of the Jury resorted as a means of sa ves time and trouble. the Second Reading of the Consolidated Fund Capeepniation) Sir J. Gotpsmp, in a i mp ed the Government’s CHANCELLOR ‘the ExcHeq begin- th a defence of Nusark Paswa and Mr. Rivers Wi1soy, id, or tried to vindi at equal length. ve subject was dropped, and the Bill the House allowed to be read a Second time. went through its final stage, and passed 2 ale E

hi On then came the Publie Works Loan Bill, upon which, on order for going into Committee, Parliamentary parley was kept up until the eleo- tric light on the top of the Clock Tower to its ineffectual fire at sunrise, and so Legislators went on, the Bi ving passed Com- mittee, with the Corrupt Practices Bill, till ten minutes after Big Ben had struck seven. Then home to bed, alas, instead of up to breakfast, to be out early on the moors. Tuesday (Lords).—They advanced divers Bills sent up from the Commons. On proposal of Government to negative Committee on the Poor Law Amendment Bill, in order to get on with it, the Earl of Repgspate ome aquaet hurrying Bills at the end of the Session, and ivided the House, to no purpose. After that, the — adjourned. Commons.)—The Banking and Joint Stock Companies Bill, enabling Unlimited i Companies, especially Banks, to transmute themselves, with safeguards, into Limited, went into Committee, and out of it pared and pruned, with the addition of a Clause to answer the purpose of ‘‘ Reserve Liability,” suggested by Mr. Snaw, and accepted, with a jump at it, by the Cuance.tor of the Excnequen. At last the Corrupt Practices Bill, appointing Election Petitions to be tried by two Judges instead of one, its Third Reading. So did the National School Teachers (Ireland) Bill, and the Appro- priation Bill, and then, after progress with another Bill or two, a truce to talk. Wednesday (Lords).—Their Lordships persevered in dealing with Bills sent up from the Lower House, and drove several of them on another stage. (Commons.)—On the motion of the CaanceLLox of the Excneaurr, the Standing Order appointing the Wednesday sitting to close at six was su ed that Mr. Fawcerr might say his say on the Water Supply of London. He said it so well, showing water to be execrable both as to quality, and supply, and expense also, that Mr. Cross en, on the part of the ernment, to make the Metro- politan Water Supply question a holiday task for the approaching vacation. Should. they find it necessary to supersede the existin Companies, those bodies will be compensated ; without any regar to the prospective value of their shares, but only according to the price of them as it stood at the end of last June.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 23, 1879. WOKE UP, ** Tis the voice of the sluggard, I heard him complain.” — Warrs, Bools, ‘‘ Excut o’oLock, Sure!” Voice (from the deeps). ‘* WuY DIDN’T YE TILL ME THAT BEFORE, CONFOUND you!” Upon this truly cheering announcement, the House hoorayed. Londoners have now some prospect of being in the way to obtain, sooner or later, a supply of cheap and good water inste of dear and dirty diluted sewage. Skies, oe. fend any slip ‘twixt the cup and the lip! Sir C. Ditxe, considering the Home Secretary’s statement “ very satisfac- ow recommended the Member for Hackney to withdraw the Resolution he had moved to the effect that, as the Metropolitan Board of Works had failed to tackle the Water Difficulty, it was ‘‘a subject which ought, without further delay, to be dealt with by the Government.” That, the Government grants. Motion, therefore, withdrawn. Enter Senceant-at-Arms. “ I have to inform the House that, in obedience to their orders and Mr. Speaxker’s warrant, I have this day taken into custody Cuaktes Epwarp Grissect.” Tae CHANCELLOR or THE Excuxrqver. “‘ Ha! h’m! We will talk of him to- morrow!” After this episode, a little more business done, but the House Counted Out at 6°30; when Ministers and their friends off, as last as possible, by steamer to Greenwich, and a diversified fish dinner, comprising, besides e and white- bait, the daintiest delicacies, and inclusive of the choicest and most celestial intoxicating liquors. Piupedey (Lords).—Lord SKELMERSDALE, on the post of Lord De L’Istz, contradicted a newspaper paragraph stating that the Noble Lord, having been sued in the Brompton County Court for £2 8s., the amount of a coal-bill, had pleaded the poiytlene of a Peer for non-a No sueh thing. A whole batch of Bills then passed thei i i Lords assented to the Commons’ Amendment (Officers) Bill, and adj (Commons.)—Sir M. Hicxs-Bracu, answering Mr. CourTNEY repeated, & 4 AR, be pongo in . ANDERSON, the | - aR, had not been informed, and did not believe, that Sir Gannar WoiseLey had set a price on Cerewaro’s| there What could have put such a faney into Mr. AwDERSON’s ? The House, on the Motion of the Cuancettor of the Excuxever, adju Mr. Grissect, for having evaded the Speaker's warrant for his apprehension, Thereafter, Noble | placed loose besides having committed a breach of privilege in the first instance, to be sent to Newgate for the remainder o: the Session on the point of expiring. But, as the SPEAKER poowwney said, the prisoner, though released on prorogation, will by no means have been purged of his offence by his few hours’ purgatory, but will remain liable to further purgatesth pains and penalties next Session. On moving for papers relative to the Treaty recently concluded with Yakoos Kua, a long denunciation of that pact by Mr. Grant Durr, followed up by Lord Hartiveton, and replied to by Mr. E. Stannore and the CHANCELLOR of CHEQUER, led to nothing of more consequence than a Count Out at the reasonable hour of 9°26, Friday, Theatre Royal, 8t. Stephen’s. Close of the The Bi, Season. M that is Ministerial, Address, called, in the lingo of itutional fiction, the QuEEN’s Speech, was read by the Lonp Cuancettor. Her Most Gracious MasEsty was to say that :— She was glad to release her Lords and Gentlemen from their labours. She continued on good with Foreign Powers, and intended to try and them keep their engage- ts. The Treaty of Berlin hed been faithfully carried out, and ¢ aot weak of ni was nearly finished. The Russians had evacuated the Balkan Peninsula, and her Masesty was pleased to of Prince ALEXANDER’s wepoten from Batten i of promised Turkish reforms, but she meant to keep peg- ing away at the fort pe " er Government rance between them a aslight change t. d i eats Yaxkoos cas, guaranteeing peace, a ened Indian ee, and re- ‘etablishing enti’ volotions with anistan. fer troops, British and native, en; in the Afghan war, deserved the vote of thanks they received from both Houses. She also thanked the Native Princes, as well those who offered, as those who gave assistance. She hoped the Zulu war would be soon over ; lamented the precious lives it had cost: and hoped her South- African Colonists would learn how to manage their own affairs in future. She thanked the Commons for having handsomely come down with the needful dust. ; She congratulated her Lords and Gentlemen on having poreed the Army Discipline Act, Acts appointing a Pub- ic Prosecutor and Amending the Law, a Joint Stock and Banking Companies Act, and an Irish Education Act. She had pleasure in granting a Commission to inquire into Agricultural Depression. Withal, she blessed her Lords and Gentlemen, and bade them farewell. The Ministers baring thus tootled their own trumpets, as it were, by the Royal mouth, the Session of 1879 poone into Inknity ; went off like Herr Breirmann’s “ Barty” and his lager beer, away in the ewigkeit. R. 1. P. It seems to have given us a few good laws, and has left our liberties none the less, 0 to the i ete Viera ry She had codieted a CONVERTS AND CANNONS, Norwirustanpine that the great gunsmith, Herr Kevrr, has manufactured steel guns which work wonders, yet, as accidents will occur to the best-con- structed steel ordnance, the Admiralty, it is said, are now considering a proposal made to them by that other eminent artillerist, Sir Wi11am Paxiser, to apply to ‘ , aw a thus proposi old Sir WiLL Eeensien nip supposed to regard them as old sinners, although he trusts is some hope for them. least be old guns will are Tiel ena Wu Palliser interiors.

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| aveusr 23, 1879.] | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 7 VIRTUES AND THEIR. REWARDS. § the Kuxepive on his re- tirement, graciously inti- mated that he was willing to accept, as a little me- mento of the valuable services he had rend Europe in general, sm Egypt in particular, ‘ stipend of £120,000 a year, together with a furnished Neapolitan villa and per- vey wiaites,” it is understood t the follo arran, ments, concei in th same will be out with as little delay as possible. His Majesty, King Cr- TEWAYO, a8 soon as gender of at the Cape t of the offer | ® being delicately made, to have the refusal of the son en Sor er with the right ht of — aed. free nocoes with hal an impi of friends to the reserves in Bushey a free pardon’ a suitable pension, seat in mh &. » Tea Vases MOOR. King THeBaw, on the a his next bth festivities at Mandelay, to be presented wi ublic-house in the Borough Road, — =. the -~ i of all t p Sat man masle-Lele, an to enjoy t e privileges of a foreign am or when appearing on ~ one charge-sheet at one or more of the Metropaiitan Police u Mr. Macxonocutr, to be presented with a purse containing the amount of his own costs. accompanied by a hig ghly illuminated letter of congratulation from Her Majesty’s Judges, the promise of the | T next vacant Archbishopric. — Bart Le Frere, to take the title of Duke of Isandlana, and be mon f to lay the foundation-stone of a commemorative Colossus d a. , to be erected, by British tax-payers, on Wormwood rubs. And Mr, Bieear, to be installed in the House of Commons as permanent Chairman of Committees. HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. (Being a Dickens of a Dickshunary for the use of Visitors to the Metro polis.) CABS.—Or, as they are called in Parliamentary langu Hackney Carriages, which is probably a corrupted cockneyism a ’Ackney Carriages, or, still more probably, for ‘Ag’ ny Carriages, 80 called on account of t the ag’nies—the beau ag’ nies —to be endured when riding in one of them. There is a vast amount of pees etiquette among the Cab- men who are most tenacious 0 They are divided into two classes—the Growler and the Hansom— but the Growler is rather the more common of the two. This implies that, as to Cab Rank, the Hansom is the aristocracy, and the Growler is alittle commoner. Ca tions are as follows:—Always to be oy along the road at a snail’s pace until the driver sees some e about te cross when he will at once say ‘C’ up!” and urge 5 we into a ” trot. The — “ee eee who is abo § yo 0 e ° This is the Ca man’s a's Fart Charge. : When you are in a bury to each tin the Cab-driver will alwege choose this oceasion to what, at some time or other, ve occurred to him as the shortest possible route to the railway station in question. These streets, if not resulting in em ee GOES ED will be so narrow as to naaler passing pap Spee, Gas and, for me reason alone, will have been already se , as th to anywhere or every- where generally, by dray-carts, coal- arom and carrier’s vans. The unfostenals No * at the the peesent mo- ment incarce: ey neounetin wih th elaime to Feosive Bs On a rainy night, after the theatre, it is a rule with all cabs to keep as much ms e way as possible, and make a favour of carrying anybody. these occasions ‘they look rather for quantity than pot me w would prefer leaving a out in the wet without an umbrella, to refusing to take a party of four as far as Camden Town CHANGE RINGING.—This ancient ceremony is practised on fest ev o-comtet & in Lo the shopkeeper deciding by the ring of the change, whether he it or not.’ The customer will do exactly the same in return; if you find that a bad #| shilling has been given y shopk with a Mint ution unless ne hewn A youa food florin down on —. The bad shilling in Ais possession, pocket it. i awe in very on several a occasions, CHARI G CROSS.—O. y the quarter where all the women resided who went out “‘charing.” Here lived the celebrated Betsy Wanrine— ee My name 's Bersy Wane, W charing.” at goes out a The old village of Charing was iely date ed during the battle of Trafal fm iate vicinity, where gar, which took pee Trafalgar Square, with the 5 mal Neson’s Monument now From Charing Cross all distances are measured, and in any ool a cobnen, you have cay to u s driving ‘ny Charing Coons, ross, and measuring the uh gore along. Of course ye ne aren CS of course, he will do what ‘ou as im. CHARITY.—The Chari sit from eleven till two every day at the Home (rere Ghats oxi ), Westminster. The Charity Commissioners Rok Conte and are Chay damian, Nar appa onagline. are waited on ten por aa ¢ and Charity Girls. EAPSI 2 typ pela ebwagy mst bear in mind that er are bo nds to eer ue and if one side is cheap, the other is ene atte, lot bie give the other a turn. the end of the day CHIMNEYS (see Sweur ne, se no Seals in finding one during the Derby week. ' Gener than ethers. d| Smoky chimne +a be ured like cH PS AND STEAKS.—For information on this subject you can’t do better than buy a little book, published years ago, entitled Behind the Grille. Some of the best grills, perhaps, are near the Stock Exchange, so that members can go and get refreshment oe Try 7. as often as nee like, —_ be always choppin and ’chan e King’s H City, the Criterion, iecadilly, or ** tri as it is briefly called—the ‘ Cri is still they come! ”’—and the Hal. - born Restaurant, at which last-named establishment the steak is always “* first chop. ag THE MAY-FAIR KING. (Abridged Edition.) “Inspector DaNNING was accordingly instructed to proceed to Folkestone to meet Mr. GrisseLL, but he thought it well to look into that gentleman’s house in Mayfair prior to leaving town. There yesterday Mr. GrisseL. was found having luncheon with Mrs. GrissEeuu and family... . . Immediately the warrant ordering his removal to Newgate was made out, he was informed by Colonel FornesTeR that the House had decided that he was to be imprisoned in the City Prison. Mr. Grissexu did not seem in the least surprised.’’— Daily Paper. You may meet the tidal early, so nice and early, Sergeant dear,— And, while you’re scouring F olkestone, I’ll be lunching quietly here ; For of dealing with my betters I’ve a ‘candid handsome way,— And I’ll just try the Clock for a day, Sergeant; 1’ll just try the Clock for a day. I thought Boulogne would do it, and meant to cut it fine ; But take it all in all, perha Warn’ 8 was the safer line ; em as they ’re off on Friday—(a twenty-four hours’ ‘span)— I thin = just ry up, - see, and _ arian a man. And so now you’ve got me tightly, pte me thy, me ory yh dear ; But where ’s the cabman driving to hat word is that I hear ? What! Take me off to Newgate in the maddest merriest way ’— Well, that only means quod for a day, Sergeant, that only means quod for a day Two Distinct Crasses.—The Aristocracy and the ’Arry-stocracy. Tae Heatuen Zorvs.—An Impi-ous Lot.

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i r i ‘) i@ a a ee et Sal ae a Se gy me a: — | Staffy. Oh yes, like a bird, Ben. 78 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL So Ze en app A SEASONED VESSEL. ~— a, LS aa +2" SVAHE [Avcusr 23, 1879. The Squire (engaging new Butler). ** Writ, | DARE SAY YOU’LL DO; BUT LOOK HERE, RicHARDs, I MAY AS WELL WARN YOU THAT I OFTEN GET ovT OF TeMPER WITH MY SERVANTS, AND WHEN I po, I LET ’EM HAVE IT HOT—MAKE USE OF DeviLisn Strona Lan- GUAGE, YOU KNow.”’ New Butler (with quiet dignity), ‘‘ 1 HAVE BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO THAT, Sir, From MY Lorp THE BisHor!” ST. STEPHEN’S-SUPER-MARE, Scene—A Bathing- Machine. Bensamin and Srarrorp discovered stripping for a plunge. Staffy. Oh, Ben! This is better than Westminster ! Ben. Yes. Staffy. Pheugh! Isn’t it lovely at last to undress ? Ben, Ah, Starry, that stuffy old chamber had tried E£’en your mildest of tempers. Staffy (pomposo). I own it with pride. I see it’s no use. I must give it em hot. I did put my foot down at last, did I not ? Ben (drily). Like an elephant. Staffy (hufiily). The 7imes complimented me. Never mind, Starry. Leave zealots to mumble each dry party bone, Let us go in a plunger for ease and ozone. i This sniff of the briny Is stunningly scrumptious, golumptious, divine! Ben, | Ben (musingly). He | Ben (catching the con Steffy. Oh yes, Mr. P. Is getting quite slangy with rapture ! Staffy (recklessly). I know it. I don’t care a puff for propriety. Blow it! I’m in for a dip, and a deep one. Oh, jimminy! None of your half-and- , himiny-piminy, Dufting hip-bath, and that sort of business for me! No flopping and floundering fiddlededee ! A regular souse, eh, my BensaMrn ? ym). Rather ! Pull away, Mr. Bathing-Man, take us out farther. : Goon! Ever so far!!! We like to be out of our depth. Humph! you’re so deucedly chaffy. Mr. Punch (significantly). Right you are! But don’t go it too risky, young fellows. Staffy (confidently). No fear ! We are used to deep waters. Ben (meditatively). And troubled ones. Staffy. Hear! But a lively cool plunge through this brine-scented foam Is lumps better than constant hot-water at home. So out you pull, Puncuy, my pippin ! Mr. Punch. No doubt ! But take care that I don’t have to pull you two out In another sense, STaFFY. k Staffy. Oh stuff! We can swim. I’m a regular porpoise myself. As for him / Why Boyron himself isn’t in it with Bew At keeping his head above water. Mr. Punch (with much solemnity). The brine’s inebriety-——— Staffy (impetuously). Young men, Oh, shut up that ! EN, haven’t you got a smart epigram pat To bottle this blessed old buffer up sharp ? Ben. Hem! Please to remember, friend P., that your carp Is not a sea-fish ! Mr. Punch (tolerantly). That joke’s ache my lad. Staffy. Get out! An impromptu as isn’t ha f bad. No lessons in holiday time, if you please. Take us out now, and don’t be a jolly old tease ! Mr. Punch. Well don’t cross your tease And—well, at this season e’en Mentor must soften. Staffy. Tormentor, you mean. Mr. Punch. Oh, refrain, reckless wag ! Staffy. You've nagged me enough, now whip up t’other Take us out, take us out! Iam to be in. Ben. And I do like deep water. Staffy. He’s fish, all but fin, as you call him, so often,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—<Aveusr 23, 1879.

ST. STEPHEN’S-SUPER-MARE. Master B, “ TAKE US OUT EVER SO FAR!—WE LIKE BEING OUT OF OUR DEPTH!!”

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Si B | § X S§ \ ( lo HOSsdSdae FIQAPSloscosid AEss S$ 6 A] -

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Staffy. Oh! fiddle-de-dee ! si We are both safe as houses. , n. More slang Staffy. My dear Bewrny, Aveust 23, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81 And I doubt if the ocean is deeper than he! Mr. Punch. There are sly undercurrents—— For Pains gius-Peinsian care not one penny. I’m busti hrs ture must find a vent. Mr. Punch {oem B , there, plunge away to your hearts’ ull content a Left luzuriating.) FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. (Toray SeRips,—Svmmen.) L Summery—Journey— Me Fare—Strawberries — Lunch — Three Courses — Tennis. Dreaifest — Bill of |P™* rmer ities — Drepaphe — Lawn- Oo ierner a (which is the only thing Summery about | 4 UMMARY J Pancras at 10°30 A.M., and you'll it, without a change. First Morn- ing. — Lovely. Bracing air. View of islands, mountains, riv- ers, and Ben Somebody — not Disraeli—in the distance. The “Ben” some- thing we’re 2 Lp Le er looking at in the po tones’ is a Big Ben with a vengeance. Breakfast, peta & for its break: What will I have? Loch Fine sind eo very fine haddocks, or “Ayr trout, or Clyde salmon, or cold beef, or om, or eg: poached, or ham and opee, OF eggs or bacon, or duck, or chicken curry, or broiled cken, or some tongue, or some braised something, or a hii jaree ?— and, of course, tea or coffee with plenty of cream, and shortbread cakes (hot), or or buttered toast, or toast wasesten®, = bread- and-butter cut y to save tool oF or some tch cakes, and = or Fg a some fine fresh berries and cream. “iy breath is almost taken away by the embarras des richesses. It taken away entirely, if I only accept an eighth of the offers. IEeareued er. me first e to everyone that it isa lovely morning, and, as an apology for what I am about to receive, 80 ap Everyone agrees with me. I only hope ev thing will agree with me as well as everybody. t.-5 with hot milk the thickest cream? Yes, H k, to begin with? Well mae And salmon broiled as the lever du rideau. To be followed by the comedy of Broiled Chicken, in three Acts. Act I., with an egg. Act Il., without an Act III., with a little curry, and a quotation Curre! curre ! uring the’ entr’actes, the toast-and- butter band will perform—(and what will the waistband be doing ?) —and the whole to veanaade with the laughable farce of Strawberries and Cream. That’ 8 my programme, or bill of fare. What cream, what strawberries! Delicious, luscious, enormous. Scottish Queens. They’re too big to be Skittish Queens. I had I confess no idea they were so enormous, — I had smashed them through half a plateful. ” have undertaken a her- One of the Seven Labours of Hercules should have been to have ae strawberries and cream. It is an expansive dish. Thought.—Must go in for lawn-tennis, or rather, must go out 7 wn-tennis. Walk about. Have another look at Ben Lomond, or, as he keeps himself at a distance, and I am a Desire ie it would be more respect- ful of me to speak of him as Benjamin Lomond. We look at castles in the distance—Castles in A Discuss the prospect of fine or wet weather. Talk to a Scotch farmer over the hedge. It is one thing es talk to a Scotch farmer over @ hedge, and quite another for a tch farmer to talk to me, reminds me of the riddle = What? s most like a cat looking out of window?” and so forth. f can’t understand a word of what the Scotch farmer says to me, except when he says “*‘ What for no?” which seems to conclude his argument, whatever it ma iy eve’ bese, to which I reply politely, by saying, “ Yes, uite {wish him good mo On our return from so we again look at | ot Benjamin Lomond, and discuss ‘he te bte and the aig Saw aerung has tar posed | 5 Cs OF a uncheon ’ hg me "lobster ue poo salad, green rench beans it be strawberry and cu eat tart, or currant eream, or jelly with cream, or tipsy cake with raves eup, or claret cup, or hock, , to finish with, just a few Reavers and cream, some Scotch e, and a glass or two of me. More, Can I venture on straw- ave courses berries and cream just to with ? Yes. My host says it’s only at first you feel the —, omy bit when a pos ’re not accusto to it. Courage! Screw m sticking point, No doubt t the cepalanled - gh + the stickin int. But I blench before sirawberrics and pan ? Ra} at I shall afterwards probably. © No matter ° ke dash when in action ! C’ est magn ce eaten — propos of ‘‘ dash,” chaps ae 0 dea of iaear t—eh ? Another ve miystes, ane ; Re. y ye is before me. Regrets are vain, One cannot =, past, but one can unbuckle one’s waistband. at. Oh, horror!” i‘? the librettist of an Italian Opera expresses it— “ee ) unhs For the Theat tit > I ‘ascertain that the fool of a tailor has neglected his oe and has omitted er The climate here is very but I want unb can only “ let out” at the tailor. I hadn't taken that last big straw —the tria-juncta-in- “i —It’s the last straw-berry that breaks the camel’s back. I must bask in the sunshine with a Sues . No lawn-tennis at present, thank you. Presently I'll cut in. ever again with you, my ttish Queen ! 1 I mentally vow to the strawberries and cream. Then | add, ‘‘ At all events, not for some time.” Feeling that this is rash, I reduce it to a determination not to take so many twice in one day : a few, and then without cream. I am p= nes from a sort of nightmare in the daytime, in a waking It is my turn to play at lawn-tennis. “Now, then!” shouts my partner, “ you must run ; got to play the winners.” Have we? As far as I’m concerned I shall not disturb their proud position. Fortunately, our lawn-tennis firm—our side | mean— consists of an active and a sleeping partner. The latter myself. At Lawn-Tennis.—The game rd a series of surprises—chiefly to myself. My first uncertainty is to whether I s hit over the as we’ye net, or not. If I do send it over tke net, the next uncertainty is to whether it will fall into the right court. Iserve. Ich dien. Bless the Prince of Waxzs. Surprise the First.—It is over the net. ; I feel that I have done my duty, dog my oy for the day. This excitement is not shared by my pertnee, ¢ the opposition firm. Surprise the Second.—Keturn of the ball. I it at it wildly. Surprise the Third.—I have hit ag Still greater Surprise.—Everyone cries out ‘ Bravo! Fine stroke! I smile knowingly, and feel inclined to bow in polite acknowledg- ment. I suppose I’ve scored g, but no one makes any remark on the subject; and while I am thinking whether I shall — the risk of exposing my utter ignorance of the game by asking ed about it, the ball is flying about. I didn’t even know we at it —— gun again. I make ad it goes over a tree—miles owe, Wd again.—Hit it, and u apparently, A yin to Benjamin Lomond. Ironical cheers. explain I hadn’t an idea 1’d hit it so hard,” and I examine the racket, a h the fault, somehow or other was in that. ** The other other side!” ow my partner ; and I find that we have got into a fresh game, or that I’ve wandered out of my court. Ought I to stop always in one court f We ak aren: I wonder how the game ‘is? Aso wo winning, @ oxo Shey? If I knew how the scoring went, I should feel more interest bt. AL, onl we vencited about it, I could forges tho stra and cream, ond tam. As it is, I do not feel excited, and do not forget the straw- berries and cream, and I don’t run. of lawn-tennis L.. sie a a first-rate training for anyone going My partner és running about, t, playing sep md ; 1, as the reserve force, am waiting, as it were, to Pa seme

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CHEERING! First Artist (on a Pedestrian Tour). ‘‘ CAN YOU TELL WHICH IS THE BEST INN IN BAcONHURST?” Rustic (bewildered). ‘* Duxxo.” Second Artist (tired). *‘ Bur we can Get Beps Taere, I suprosk? Ware po TRAVELLERS GENERALLY Go?” Rustic. “Go To Taz Unton moostiy !” *T flourish my bat, just to keep up some excitement, and say, ‘‘ Well pages !” in praise of the other side’s performance. Except for the ook of the thing—by ‘‘ the thing” I mean the racket in my hand— I might be an im ial spectator who has stepped into the court quite by accident. I am doing no good, and very little harm. I am an armed neutrality, practising masterly inactivity. My partner is working away ao e is ing. I wonder whether he has been hitting balls that I ought to ae en? He has just made a splendid hit from the furthest end of his court, and I am watching his performance with unbounded admiration, when he eries to me, I think, ‘‘ Now take it!”’ and I become aware of a ball jumping up, quite playfully, just in front of me. I make for it. Too late. Ionly hit the ground. Ironical cheers from the gallery on the lawn. Partner angry. * You might have hit that,” he says. I explain, humbly, that I thought it was Ais ball. ss What do I mean by my ball?” he wants to know, testily ; and, before I can further explain my theory (which I find is peculiar to myself), of each person having his own court and not interferi with the other's, eries out, ‘‘ The other side!” and I find that am just in his way when he is about to serve. The other side, relying on my still remaining the sleeping partner, send me what every one calls “ a nasty one.” Immense surprise—I take it, and return it. Great success. I feel, all in a moment, that I shall never be able to do it again, and devoutly hope it won’t be returned. Just to give me time. a - Sm I have : time, and, 80 to , 1 breathe again. My partner is ink we ’ve won the game. No; it’s “‘ Deuce.” Now what the deuce is deuce ? One of our opponents is called away, and a young Lady—a quiet- loaang youns of a She has to serve to me. Now have a chance. will probably send an easy one. I prepare to receive an easy one. I am gg 4 ~ A apes eta, and cho i. I run forward. The is not over enet. Fault. I am walking a few - backwards, Pte leisurely, so as to re- place myself, when, without any cry of “ Play!”—it’s so unfair not to ery “* Play ! ’—she has served ! = Surprise.—The ball comes at me. It is no longer a ball—it is an invisible something, whirring like a rifle-bullet through the air! Whizz!—1 hit out vaguely and spasmodically. Roars of laughter from the gallery on the lawn. Bravo! ‘“‘ Eh? where is it?” I want ?|to know. My next question is, ‘‘ Wasn’t it out?” Not a bit of it. I dread the time when I shall have to stand up again before that young Lady. It is some comfort to be told afterwards that she is one of the best players in the county. Wishing to be deeply interested in the game, I ask what the score is, when my partner replies, ‘‘ Vantage to us.” I say, “‘ Oh indeed!” and haven’t an idea what he means. I shall find out. But why on earth can’t this sort of game be scored simply like “‘ fives ”’ ? Ly can’t the game be fifteen, the players who are “‘ in” to score, their opponents trying to put them out, and no “‘ fault” to be allowed to the ‘*game ball” ? Iam meditating on this, when my er shouts out something, —the ball arrives at my toes. I e some extra- ordinary gymnastic effort, and hit my chin with my bat. How, I don’t know. It came up like a spoon. Ha Thought.—New name for novel, Cometh up like a Spoon. To be followed by Goeth down like a Strawberry. } “You thought you were taking some more strawberries and cream,” observes my partner, sarcastically. We have lost the game. More than that, we have lost the set. : Last Surprise.—The set! We've played a set! Don’t like to ask ‘‘ How many go toa set?” I fancy I hear someone say that our genet won five games out of six. Which did we win? The first, I think. Hostess politely asks me if I will play again. With a great show of self-denial I say, ‘‘Oh no, let somebody else take my place.”’ Offer accepted at once. ‘* Now,” I hear some one remark, “‘ we shall have a good game.” I light a cigar, and join the gallery on the lawn. [Aveusr 23, 1879. > Oo >Re S.C ee we Bae CO my [> Oa = Bee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Aveust 23, 1879.] 7ARRY ON THE ROAD. > gak CHARLIE, = Buy at it again, Oh, I ham \ . > sech a ot ’un all round! >a ZB, y If there is any fun to the fore, us ». \\ Vea you'll find ’Axry all there, \ XN Za ~~ I’ll be bound. ’Twas the River last week, you'll remember ; this time, my dear boy, it’s the Road. Lor! I tumbles to every fresh fakement as easy as go and be blowed. ’Twas a bit of a bean-feast, yer see, and our lot tooled it down in a drag. Four-in-hands is the fashion jest now with the pick of Society’s bag. Our Toffs has bin took with a taste to turn hammytoor Jarvies—rum | That’s a yer as most Coachies ’ave got, you might think they wos ad '— , took pooty bad ; And a meet of the C.C.’s a picter as swell as can easy be ’ad. | But it’s merely purfessional, Cuartie., Oh! wosn’t them other : ‘ 4 chaps ma ; I often trots down to the Park for a oy pose they muster, my boy. | When they twigged ’ow he spotted yours truly? He give me the Sech Toppers a-tooling sech teams is a thing every Gent must enjoy. : ’ And then the fine females! Oh, Cuartiz, a Marcherness mounting wij, i ges declares he drives tandem, wos simply left the box Is a ’eavenly sight, and no error, to blokes as ’ain’t Radical blocks. out in the cold. We wosn’t quite up to that form, but we ’ad a most nobby turn-out ; | Then the bs » Carte! Oh, scissors! jest didn’t we give : + sey : ° rt em ta Sech osttla, 3 my pippin !—four greys; and our Whip, though a little | 7, 4, wrath ani disgust, I’ll lay tuppence, of many a drowsy old ’ ’ shh: mivvey. Wos as clever card as you'd drop on, he ’andled the ribbings to We all ’ad a turn coming ‘ome, and the gruntings, the wheezings, rights, : : . and shrieks And to see him negotiate corners was one of the loveliest sights. Must ‘ave given the read ouch 6 z i won't be fergetten for I know a good ’oss when I see one; it isn’t for nothing, old chump, weeks. fe fod tnt pry Pog —yn my orally pete = teen Row? Noosance? Oh, nonsense! Wot’s that to a chap when he’s town ! out for a game . ’ +. 9 little | L’ave knowed most respectable buffers to do the hidentical same. Thee ee typeeny smokes do run up when one's funds is a little Wy, I panes a lot of old gents tooling ’ome t’other night from the “ Ss i - *Bus-drivers is nuts on havanners and partial to goes of rum ’ot ; And a-busting their cheeks in a style as seemed nuts to their smart- But it’s wuth = my boy, yus, it’s wuth it, to know to a morrel looking Whip. wot ’s wo’ Jat , , , There’s few of the pints of smart cattle but wot I am fly to at once, | Ours said I'd a lip, and no error. I know it got thun sore, And a Briton as ain't a bit ’ossy I holds is a mug and a dunce. Coach~’orns is a little bit brassy, and orkurdy small in the bore. ; _ .. | But cave in and cut it? Not me! No, I jest blew away like old I ’ad the box-seat, mate, oh, trust me! I squared that like pie with | boots _ our Whip, ‘ ae . While the driver, my mouth being busy, obligingly blew my cheroots. Which he geve me the tip confidential-like over our very fust nl. ie ‘ Says me mt ou ~ like B. anp M.’s Matches—you strikes on the bor, | Tommy poe he was kidding me proper—me, Cuariiz! I like the a! ou do.’ idear. And he gives a sly crook with his elber, and doubled hisself nigh in two. | But two ’ours of continual bellows do make a chap dizzy and queer.

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| But I know that it came on to rain, and next morning I woke looking | so many 84 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ay [Aveust 23, 1879. | Leastways I wuppese it wos that as perdooced sech a rummy effect, | That at last things got rayther mixed up, and the finish I carn’t recollect. pale, . With a lump on my lip, and my face all streaked green with the dye from my veil. — : There wos six cigar-ends in my pocket—don’t fancy J smoked quite Two corks, and a big white bone button, a threepenny-bit, and a penny. I started that day with two quid; so it piled pooty sti dear boy. Still I ’old with the Vour-ta-baad Clubbers that Condhine 's the sport to enjoy. It’s fun and good form all in one like, and when sech top-ropes yer can carry, Who cares if it does come expensive? Not Yours everlastingly, *ARRY. | | A HUNDRED AND TWICE-TOLO TALES. A Story for the Silly Season.) ue Waiting-room was 7 ae, All the pas- . — had missed their and were ready for conversation. For a few J mye yg : - very sounds, an ~ then a AF se dressed in a cheap suit of dittos and a wide-awake, by sheer : force of | claimed the = attention of the company. > ‘You really must attend to me,” he shouted, and then finding that he had the ears of the meeting, he continued in a lower voice. “Tt is amy | n that you, nay, all the world, should hear the story of my adventures. A fort- night ago I went to a hotel in Belgium, where I stayed me de 5 nde one “ some eggs (a couple, and not too Fresh), with my tea, the same meal for my breakfast, and I occu- pied a small bedroom on the third floor. And, what do you think! They actually had the} impadence to send me in a bill with a total of five frances fifty centimes !” There was a murmur of horror, and then a gushing young bride, with a little blush, lifted up her voice. **T cannot help | that it will interest you and many more to learn where Epwry and I went for our honeymoon. We are not very rich, so we were not able to go very far. We started from London wi@ Folkestone and Boulogne to Paris, where we saw the ygacigal sights. We then went to Geneva and took a boat to Ouchy. Ye came back and got to Lucerne, and went up the Righi in a rail- way. And then we saw Interlacken, and returned to Paris, getting to London once more vid Boulogne and Folkstone. It was the first time we had been on the Continent, and we enjoyed ourselves thoroughly.” This little narrative was exceedingly well received by the assembled company, and then a portly clergyman continued the conversation. “*T think it only just that ae and others should learn the result of my investigations for the last twenty years of the manners and customs of the common house-fly. I have noticed that the common house-fly loves to hover about a window, doubtless attracted to the glass by the light. At night-time the common house-fly will fix upon curtains and ceilings, remaining for hours in the same place until the morning. I could tell you a great deal more about the common house-fly were I not fearful of wearying you. Under these circumstances I will reserve what I may have to say or write upon the subject to a future opportunity.” addressed the | th “I really think that you and the public generally should know that I have frequently heard the nightingales singing in a lane immediately in rear of my garden wall.’ This announcement was very well received, and then a lady of masculine appearauce continued the conference. “I wish to make the following plain statement of facts. On y last I had occasion to take an omnibus from a London suburb to the Bank. Ina journey of not more, at the outside, than five miles, we stopped to take up or put down passengers no less than nineteen times ! may add that the seat of the conveyance was hard, and the straw with which the floor was strewn was at least two days old. These facts speak for themselves, and require on my part no further commentary.” The lady of masculine appearance had scarcely relapsed into silence when three portly gentlemen sprang to their feet at one and same time. “I took a train yesterday,” said the first, “‘and it arrived five minutes after its time! Disgraceful!” “*1] took another,” exelaimed the second, ‘‘ which reached the terminus a quarter of an hour late! Scandalous!” ** And I another,”’ shotited the third, ‘‘ which never arrived at all! We were forced to change carriages at the Junction! Infamous! ” “What you have said is exceedingly interesting,” observed the gentleman in the cheap suit of dittos and the wide-awake, who had been the first er, “‘ and I strongly advise you to follow my cxample, and to send long letters about the matters you have men- tioned for publication te the leading newspapers.” And they all did! CONVICTION BY CHANCE. Scenzs— A Withdrawing Room adjoining a Court of Justice. Jurymen retired to consider their Verdict. Foreman. Well, Gentlemen, ’twon’t be no good for we to go on talkin’, *Tis clear we can’t possible conwince one another that way, so as for to agree on our werdict. Six for guilty, and ’arf-a-dozen for not guilty, ’adn’t we best toss up ? Second Juryman (doubtfully). Would that be doing exactly right ? Foreman. Wy not? e’re twelve, ain’t we? Very well. Wosn’t there another twelve once, and wen one of ’em ’ung ’is self, didn’t the leven surwivors drawr lots ’oo should fill up the wacancy ? Wot’s the difference tween drawrin lots and tossin’ up? and ’ow can we do wrong if we goes by the ’Porsles ? Second Juryman. They couldn’t do better than draw lots in their circumstances ? Foreman, No more can’t we, in ourn. Second Juryman. Well, I don’t know; but I seem to fancy we could. Being equally divided amongst ourselves, isn’t that equiva- lent to having a reasonable doubt? and oughtn’t we to give the prisoner the benefit of it ? Third Juryman. Oh, bother, that’s refining too much. Let’s toss up. ‘Toss up, and trust to Providence. Foreman. Are all on you agreed to that, Gentlemen ? The Rest. Agreed ! Foreman. What shall it be, then? sudden death ? Second Juryman, Wouldn’t sudden death, in a question of death or life, be a little too summary ? Third Juryman. What’s the odds? We can’t stay here argyfyin’ all day; and I wants my dinner. The Rest. Toss up—toss up ; let’s toss. Foreman. Now, then. (Produces a copper coin.) Best two out of three. Guilty, ’eds; Not Guilty, tails. (Skies copper.) ’Eds! Third Juryman. Heads it is. ; Foreman. ’Ere goes again. Tails! Third Juryman, ’Tis woman. Fourth Juryman. Of course, you muff! Wot else but woman could yer ’ave with a Queen’s ’ed on a ’apeny ? Third Juryman. Go it, once more. Foreman. Now for the finisher. (Tosses the third time.) ’Eds! Guilty! Is that your werdict? The Rest. Unanimous. Fourth Juryman, Non compos. Third Juryman, But seeing after all twas a toss-up, suppose we recommend the prisoner to par, Gentlemen ? Foreman. That’s it. That’ll ’it it orf exactly. Guilty, but recommended to mercy. [ Exeunt into Court to deliver their Verdict, whilst Curtain falls. Best two out of three, or A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT. “*Srr Garnet Worserey, Sorr,” said a gallant Irish Officer, ‘‘ was The clergyman had scarcely finished his little lecture when an elderly gentleman, in blue spectacles, hurriedly meeting. e man to send to the Cape. Bedad, that .Garwer is a Cape Diamond.” £@ To Conansroypents.— The Bilitor does not hold himself bound to stampe acknowledge, d and directed envelope. return, or pay for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a Copies should be kept. ee | aes Gh. oe Oo: o® &

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Avousr 30, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. MARY ANNER TRANSMOGRIFIED. “‘ Lord Lyrrow has issued a minute on the subject of the education provided for the children of poor Europeans and Eurasians in India, from which some hints, which might be useful nearer home, might advan be borrowed. .. . Lord Lytron writes that ‘the daughters of Europeans and Eurasians of the humblest classes are frequently taught so-called accomplishments which are worse than useless to them.’ . . . Identically the same state of things goes on in England. . . . One consequence is that it is almost impossible to procure domestic servants. Our housemaids are all — ips nowadays ; brazen-faced hussies, who cannot cook a chop or darn a stocking, scrub a floor or keep a door-step in order, can talk theatrical criticism, and are wise in the study of fashion- lates. . . . What we lack is the raw material of strong men and women, not a company for the revival of High Life Below Stairs.” —Standard. BAR Susan JANE, WHEN you’ve pe- roosed the rubbish above written, A perypo of some remarks on Ingya by Lord Lyrt- TON, I make no doubt your li f ith horty will curl mine It’s just amazing how folks’ minds by prejudice is blinded! You know, of course, that & lately I’ve gone in for education, Which lost me !—such is jealousy !— my latest situation. No doubt twas gall for Missis Brown, a reglar | [ - — stuck-up Tartar, To find her daughter beat by me in ing a Sonatar. And not, Sve? Is Mf ing of rank tion (Though 4 tetired dry- salter’s wife ain’t no : . great elevation) Perish the thought a thousand times! No! Education’s benison Can’t be confined to ‘‘ Norman blood ’—for which see Mr. Tewnrson. It’s all the Nobs’s narsty spite as makes ’em so insult yer; But, Suz, I’ve riz above sech ways since I went in for culture. Do parties think our souls is dust, our hands but fit for dusting ? That door-steps is our destiny ? It’s really too disgusting ! Hussies, indeed! The eppythet is infry digmytaters. Such Billingsgate is only used by coarse and vulgar naters. : A housemaid—how I hates the name !—who’s proud and self-respective, Would scorn for to demean ’erself to such lew-born invective. Sweetness and light may bless the lot of the most ’umblest Christian, While a purse-proud drysalter’s wife may be a mere Philistian. I often soars to brighter speres whilst scrubbing floors or stitching— Oh why shoald snobs in parlours sniff at culture in the kitching ! What Ingya’s got to do with it is what I fails to hit on. We’re not black niggers I should ’ope, not yet, my dear Lord Lytron. No, no; we are ground down enough with work, low wage, and worry, But not so low as your poor brutes as lives on rice and curry. The cry is, ‘‘ No accomplishments for Servants!” Highty-tighty! And why not, I should like to ask, good Mr. High-and- Mighty ig If a ’ousemaid ’s got a horgan—which my upper ©’s a buster !— Why call her “‘ hussy ” ’cos she shows a Seal above her duster ? And as for the Theayter, Suz, why, next to Art and Fashion, I ony must admit the Play is my pertikler passion. High Life Below Stairs? Nota bit? I’m no such vulgar shammer. ’*Igh Hart and the Hintense is what J looks for in the Drammer. They talks about our ‘‘ spere of life,” them orty hupper suckles. Ah, Sve! becos we’re smutty -nosed or red about the knuckles That ain’t no reason why our souls should be sech ones to grovel, As not to thrill at Coopo’s woes or Werprn’s last new novel. They wants to keep us down, dear Sur. Sech princerples is foodle. These ain’t the Middling Ages, though, and nou lifted hoodle Shall keep me from attending Plays, or larning the peyanner, Or marrying——but that’s tellings, dear. Yours trooly, Many Anner. CAVEAT CAVAGNARLI. “This advice was significant, and its acceptance may probably be taken to indicate the completion of a change in the attitude of the Ameger towards the Government of India. Yaxoon Kuan has despatched a courteous reply to General KaAvrMANN, in which he has suggested that for the future any communica- tions, complimentary or otherwise, from Russia or Russian agents, should be sent through the Indian Viceroy.”"— 7 imes. Ir being sie impossible to exaggerate the importance of this diplomatic triumph, as bearing directly on the stability and security of our Indian Empire, it is with the greatest satisfaction that Mr. Punch publishes the first instalment of an intercepted correspondence evi- dently not intended for the eye of the British Viceroy. From the General commanding the Forces of His Imperial Majesty the Czar of all the Russias to His pe and Exalted Highness the Ameer of Afghanistan. On the Amu Darya, Dog Days, 1879 (Old Style). May rr prease Your Serene Hicuness, _ _ I mAveE received your last esteemed communica- tion, inauring Se the th*of my August Master, the Great White Czar, inclosing cheque for commissions, and asking me whether I can give you a good recipe for a cheap an‘. wholesome batter pudding, and I have much pleasure in replying to your Serene Highness as under. Iam happy to inform you that my August Master is as well as can be expected in this unusually damp weather, and, spite of a nasty little influenza, which he hopes to shake off as soon as he can away from the Winter Palace, is, as we say on the Upper Oxus, tolerably “fit.” With regard to the Commissions, I have endeavoured, trust successfully, to meet your Serene Highnesses taste, and I shall be glad to hear that the fifty dozen of damaged strawberry-jam, the three-and-sixpenny magic lantern, box of conjuring tricks, bathing machine, and pink ulster have given your Serene Highness every satisfaction. And now permit me, on behalf of the great Potentate I have the honour to represent, to offer you, as a testi- mony of the friendship which it is his earnest endeavour to prove to you, one dozen of the best boot-blacking, a highly-trained hyena, a set of paper collars, and— last, not least—a han e second-hand mechanical see on which he has had arranged, with august con- escension, an entirely new and original composition of his own. This little effort he trusts your Serene Highness will accept and adopt as the future National Anthem of your country. It is simple, majestic, solemn, and, when once heard, not easily orgotten, and is entitled ‘ My Grandfather’ s Clock.’ Appended is the recipe for the pesist -gndding (a Russian one), which I trust your Serene Higness will find serviceable. Taking this opportunity of enclosing your Serene Highness a summons and a couple of sus icious-looking envelopes that have been waiting ‘* to be forwarded’ to you at this Station for some time, I am, with every expression of profound ‘esteem, Your Serene Highness’s respectful Servant, Tue General ty COMMAND. The enclosures, consisting of a County Court summons for the price of a pair of imitation epaulettes, an adver- tising circular of a new hair-dye, a threatening letter from a firm of solicitors at Smolensk, and the offer of a lucrative engagement from the proprietor of a Music Hall on the Lower Danube—though all of them highly significant documents from a Central Asian point of view, Ur. Punch does not think it incumbent on him to pub- lish in extenso. It is enough for him to have shown how well-grounded has been the ‘‘ Russian terror” of those gentlemen who have all along clamoured for a ‘scientific frontier ’”’—and something more. Mr. Punch trusts he has done this. ——————— ARMY CLOTHING, Captaris Carey has been honourably absolved o an unfounded sentence. Uniform for Members of a blundering Court-Martial—Muf(f)ti. Retative Poxtsument.— Quod. I

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | [Avausr 30, 1879.

NEPTUNE TO THE NEW LIGHT. Neptunus de profundis loquitur :— SS o Aa SOOO ors S36 OA y >= Coors (a: Sex SS oer rr Soo, c » — <a 4 a. : _ —- Oh nem, £ rs ~~? — ~ . — 5 Ne =f aN ? EODrSroye 1879. Y "et ™ ? Nf Y; Y Shs SF AW

— ee —_—— = - = 2 age" ~~ ; — <= ai URIOvs race, these Islanders, but tough ; Given to fuss, yet brave, and not soon beaten! I’ve nursed ’em in a fashion stern and rough, As is the sea they’ve fixed their white-wall’d seat on ; And yet they seem to like their grandsire gruff. It has stood well, this tower of sturdy Smzaron ; And now two Princes place a well-squared steady ton: As the beginning of a brand-new Eddystone.

~~ F. I baulked ’em once, for fun, now let ’em go it, — Prince, Duke, Peer, Admiral, the whole swell lot of ’em. ’Tis meant to foil my tantrums, and I know it. I don’t mind drinking to their task’s success. How soon though I could scare the biggest pot of em I'll test it, though ; and when my winds are flouting With a big storm! 1 will not though ; no, blow it! The pile’s broad base, and my wild winds’ fierce stress ’T would disappoint the Nobs, a well-filled yacht of ’em. Is on it, and storm floods are pelting, spouting, Play Polyphemus to their “ tea’’ ? Lets hope the tower mor boast a long survival No, that were not a genial idea! And Dove as prove old Sazaton’s worthy rival. Down winds, and waves flow smoothly for awhile, Let the Prince ply the trowel, place the bottle ; Winks to the Wise. 1’ll show ’em Neptune on his boys can smile ; . b I'd cheer, but that the brine makes hoarse my throttle. Tue Conservative Government may be lar at present, but They gave it mouth though bravely. That’s the style! Say po spent a mint of Mr = a ty J ony } = Prince, Duke, Swell Tar, M.P.—a motley tottle! Bi So, virtually, said Mr. Giapstong, er day, to the With a red-hooded Doctor of Divinity, | Liberal Electors of Chester. At the coming aut wou De And the whole Corporation of the Trinity. hoped that our Witt1aM himself, in the character of a te, also present a Brix, and that the Bill will be truly honoured b Well, man loves ceremonial and full dress, | a British Constituency in returning, otherwise than a British Grand And can’t hold celebrations without shouting ; Jury returns, a true Bri.

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Avotst 30, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON $$ eens a CHARI VARI. \ A UL IW Nir: by) ih Ais WH iz OW j= i A , A\\i il, 7, | | Ay | i) Nal yan s\\\) } AN AWKWARD “POSITION.” How A DovsT sUDDENLY OCCURRED TO A NOTED WIMBLEDON PRizE-WINNER (WHO HAD VOLUNTEERED FOR ZULULAND) AS TO THE ADVANTAGES OF THE “‘ Back-PosiTion”’ IN ACTUAL WARFARE i HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. (Being a Dickens of a Dickshunary for the use of Visitors to the Metropolis.) CHRISTY COLLECTION.—This Collection never performs out of St. James’s Hall. Here Moore’s Melodies—Black-a-Moore’s Melodies = be heard twice daily. London is the place, excellence, for B Tie Laman Wide ane tino to bs fontd, fn tho daaet weather, on various race-courses and on the sands. Londoners are sed, as the seaside lodging-house keepers say, to “‘ bring ’em with ’em.’ CITY COMPANIES.—The City is as celebrated for its Companies. as en are for their corporations. in giving any history of the former, it is impossible to observe the rule of ‘* Present Com- panies always excepted.” Bodies possess considerable landed property in various parts of Great Britain and Ireland, consisting of meadows, moors, streets, lanes, and ‘‘ park-like estates.” generally are known as ‘‘Company Manors.” A City man may be known by his Company. Fvery Company confers certain invaluable privileges on its members in return for certain duties. Ci y.—Election by ballot. When the a candidate, he is said to be “‘pilled.” When hted”’ into the Company. The daily regimen i , every week, at Doctors’ Commons. SEE if vt Company.—President, the Master of the Rolls. Tompson, the Artist who painted the celebrated ‘‘ Roll- Call,” was at once elected an honorary member. Only the Upper Crust of the City belongs to this Company. It was founded in the time of Otrvex CruMBWELL. The pensioners of the Company, who do no work, are styled ‘‘ Loafers,” and, ng to their pension, ‘‘ Twopenny Loafers,” ** Quartern Loafers,” &c. Curriers’ Company.—F or making curries. Motto—‘‘ Ain’t it ot /”’ Dyers’ Company.—A charitable Guild, which assisted the people when in a dyer state of distress. Motto—‘' I/ faut mourir.”’ Fishmongers’ Company.—Net profits immense. No Government inspection of accounts permitted by virtue of an old charter, which is illustrated by the arms of the Company—a hand pulling at a line, at the end of which is a hook fastened into the jaws of a gigantic ag Sy oy Lloyd’s 8h ounders’ Company.—An opposition to Lloyd’s Shipping Insurance. The work of the Company is to provide crews for the foundering of vessels. ‘‘ Founders’ Day” is kept with great solem- nity. Motto—‘‘ All in the Downs,” Tie Gunmakers’ Company.—We have not yet heard their annual reports, which are made chiefly during this and the next two months. For details, read the Hyde Fark Powder Magazine for September. Motto—‘* Pop goes the Weasel.” The Joiners’ Company.—The Joiners’ Company provide marriage licences. These licences are renewable every year, with gun licences, - a not extend to breach-of-promise loaders. Motto— Time and ted, The Mercers’ Company.—This is short for The Im-mersers. This Company provides all the bathing-machines and bathing-women for the coast. Motto—'* Deus ex machina.” - The Pewterers’ Company.—Modern form of abbreviation for the Pew-terrors. This Company provided the female -openers for all the City Churches. The Company is not so rich as it was formerly. otto—" Non piu mesta.” The Salters’ Company.—Another more modern Ecclesiastical Com- y for providing Psalters. The present spelling is a novelty. ere are the Dry-Psalters, or Psalters without music; but most of them are noted. Motto—“ He’s altered.”

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2 I am a ee gp RR En we ee + et | &8 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 30, 1879. The Skinners’ Company.— Associated with the Genet Company. Their members *‘ skin the lamb” at race meetings. e Three-Card Trick, and all tricks with cards are taught at the Skinners’ College from ten to four daily. Motto—‘' Paz.” The Watermen is « Temperance Company in ition to The Vintners; The Lightermen do not admit any mem walk eight stone two, or ride seven; The Glovers’ Company is always at sixes and sevens; The Horners are tually in a dilemma. This latter was founded by the celebrated, too self-complacent Joun Hoxrwer, who, though cornered, made a “ plum.” There are many other Companies, including The Loriners (whose name clearly speaks for itself), The Turners (which as a political society is ready for anything), and The Upholders, which is a self- supporting society. COUNTRY THOUGHTS. cewe—A Farm- house remote jon Re tclegratia, e0- operative stores, hum of men not of bees). andscape — or - tion — thinly scattered. Wea- ther—more than dubious. nee ater. er, iad chitdeen pilgrims 4 for the benefit of ) country air, and di aor little fake _ it rain ? (The first ane tn the morning. How "s the The Butcher has never sent the leg of lamb ? No home-made bread—only Baker's! He calls twice a week. What time does the post come ? Is it going to clear ? Where ’s the wind ? What o’clock is it ? What time do we dine ? Where are the Umbrellas and Waterproofs ? Is the Pony all right again ? When will the Waggonette come back from being repaired ? Are your drains in good order ? What a poor fruit-garden ! Will it be fine ? Will there be a flood ? Are there any letters this morning ? Will the Rector and his wife call upon us ? Will there be a School Feast, or a Flower Show, or a Band of Hope Festival, or an Odd Fellows’ Anniv , or a Temperance Demonstration, or a Cricket Match, or a Church re-opening, while we are here ? Surely it will not be wet on Sunday! Will the children fall into the ae | or get lest, or be stung, or be kicked by the horses, or run at by the cows ? Will the pimpernels be open or shut this morning ? How that dog did how] last night ! What ’s the time ? Will dinner be punc.ual ? We ’ve forgotten to bring the Croquet set with us! When will the stream be fit for fishing ? What shall we do if the children are taken ill, for the Doctor lives five miles off ? Do the Swallows fly high or low ? When are the Cows milked ? They only churn occasionally ! We cannot have any Poultry until the end of next week ! Does it look any brighter ? Who’s got the paper ? ve and ‘the busy this Why did we not bring more books ? _ Will Horace Taytor send us a hamper of grouse this year, and in what condition will the birds be by the time they arrive at this outlandish place ? Have you rats? A Garden-roller—what capital exercise ! How beautiful is the flower of the common demestic potato! How well it would look in crewels! Can we hire a Perambulator ? What a disagreeable smell! Oh, that’s from the brickfield ! How much may be endured for the sake of broad beans and bacon ! How long is it to supper-time ? I wish they could let us have a little more cream. Will it ever leave off raining? (The last thing at night.) “IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET—LAW!” Scenze— Westminster Hall. Anxious Client, attended by Lawyer’s Clerk, discovered waiting outside one of the Courts of Law. Anzious Client. Are you sure that my case comes on to-day ? ¥ou see it has been put off so many times, that—— . Lawyer's Clerk (cheerily). It’s all right, Sir. Run it to earth time. Anzious Client. And you have got all the papers ? Lawyer's Clerk (showing bag). As safe as wig of the Lord Chancellor, Bir. ms Anzious Client. 1 am sorry that none of your principals could attend. er’s Glerk. Utterly impossible, Sir. You see Mr. Kosts is on a Divoree Suit, and Mr. Fouto is in the middle of that hippi uiry, But you will find I will pull you through, Sir, right enough. Anzious Client. But you are rather young. { Lawyer's Clerk. That’s a fault, Sir, that will mend in the course af ages. By the way, Sir, I went to a Music Hall last night, and aw Anzious Client. Pardon me, but I am so nervous about my action, that t can think and speak of nothing else. Lawyer's Clerk. Oh, it’s all right, Sir. The trespass can be as clearly proved as—— d ; Anxious Client. Trespass! My case has nothing to do with trespass ! ‘ : Lawyer's Clerk. Hasn’t it, Sir! Never mind; I have got it all in the bag. Don’t you be bothered, Sir. We will pull you through. Anzious Client. You ought to, I am sure. I have seen the Counsel half-a-dozen times, and explained the matter over and over again. _ said it was very intricate, but that he was safe to get a verdict ‘or me. — Clerk. Ah, did he? Well, he ought to know, Sir. Who was he? Anzious Client. Why, Mr. Wuiestock, Q.C. Do you mean to say you are not expecting him? ; Lawyer's Clerk. Oh, it will be all right, Sir. I rather thought he was in the Divorce case—but there, it’s sure to be all right. Anzious Client. Why I have retained him for the last twelve months! If he does not represent me, Sir, lamaruined man! [I tell you, Sir, a ruined man! : > Lawyer's Clerk. Oh, it’s sure to be all right, Sir. We always put Wuiesiock into our big things. That’s why I thought he might be in the Divorce case. Now don’t bother yourself any more, ir. Anzious Client. Not bother myself! Why, the fate of my wife and innocent children depend upon our gaining our cause. If we lose our verdict we are beggars, Sir—b ! ) Lawyer's Clerk (yawning). All right, Sir,—we will pull you through. Halloa, there’s Old Foopte! Why, I thought he had retired years ago. He’s the greatest muddler at the Bar,—regular muff, Sir ! Mr. Focdle (approaching Lawyer’s Clerk). Hem! ha! to be sure! You come from Messrs. Kosts anp Fot1o—eh ? Lawyer's Clerk. Yes, Sir. Mr. Foodle. Hem! ha! to be sure! Eh? Let’s see, let’s see let’s see! Hem! ha! to be sure! Mr. Wutonzocx is in a case of yours, eh ? ‘ Lawyer's Clerk. In several of our cases, Sir. Mr. Foodle. Hem! ha! to be sure! But, dear me, dear me, dear me! Haven’t you a client who is in in an estate near por ener) Beg to do with a railway or a ferry, or something or other of that sort, eh - Anzious Client. Why, that’s my case, Sir! As Mr. WuiesLock would tell you—— Mr. Foodle. Hem! ha! to be sure! Glad to meet you. The fact is, Mr. WHIGBLOCK is occupied elsewhere—yes, occupied elsewhere, That mischievous boy has broken the top joint of my rod! —and—hem ! ha! to be sure! he has asked me to take his brief!

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Aveust 30, 1879.] Anzious Client. Good gracious! Mr. Wuiesiock not coming! Mr. Foodle. Hem! ha! to be sure! No, no, no. He finds it impossible. Dear me, dear me, dear me! I think you are the plaintiff in this matter ? Anzious Client. No, Sir! The Defendant! (Almost stupefied with yo: And Mr. Wuiaestocx is not coming ! Mr. . No, no, no! Sorry I have no more time for consulta- tion. Should like to have heard what you had to say abont the matter. Hem! ha! to be sure! Doubtless shall pick it up as we goon. (Zo Lawyer’s Clerk.) You have got all the ~— ? Lawyer's Clerk. Yes, Sir. (Aside.) Rather rough upon the poor old chap to put it in Foope’s hands. (Aloud, to Anxious Client.) This rs Sir. They are waiting for us! [Ezeunt the Dramatis Persone into Court to obtain a verdict ! BATHYBIUS. (A Ballad of the British Association.) Barnrzivs, of all names! Bathybius, who’s he ? A Bathybius that dwells in the depths of the sea. Bathylnius Haeckel, by Huxiey so named, After Harcxet, philosopher, protogen-famed ; Protogen, Protoplasm, both the same appellations With ‘‘a little ”"—Fiuellen would say—* variations.” Your Bathybius is Protoplasm, lying outspread, A glaire smeared on the surface of Ocean’s deep bed ; Protoplasm, living substance, primordial slime Out of which have oe all things organic, in time, So they say, and le part of that primitive stuff, It would seem, like Bathybius, much more than enough. Or does Protoplasm still living creatures produce ? Does Bathybdius, in that kind, perform any use ? Or constitute only a species of meat For the fish and marine animalcules to eat ? Does Bathybius, who’s fished up in lumps from below, At the bottom of Ocean continue to grow ; By absorption of food does Bathybius increase ? Is he subject in part to decay and decease ? To Bathybius though Huxuey stands sponsor and Sam, Certain other Philosophers count him a sham, A secretion, or product of some kind or sort, An impostor, a duffer—a humbug, in short. Never mind; the Professor who gave him his name, In his bantling, Bathybius, believes all the same, And professes the hope that his doubtful young friend Will a credit turn out to himself in the end. You may say that Bathybius in company dwells With the Sea Nymphs, and Tritons whose trumpets were shells, And old Neptune, p+ adhe mythical ; that may be true. But Bathybius, for all that, be not a myth too. FROM THE MOORS, _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PAINTING THE LILY! Tue Benchers of the Temple have been recently employing their leisure in “improving” the pretty jet d'eau that used to adorn Garden Court. Instead of a eee Italian fountain, in keeping with its classical surroundings, there now exists (to quote Sir Groncr Bowyer) “a high and heavy piece of New Road pottery, from which the water flows.” Moreover, the basin has been enclosed by an unsightly square iron rail, which completely spoils the grace of its curve, _ Mr. Punch to suggest a few other alterations which are likely to meet the Oo of the reformers. From this list he exeepts the last, which, however, is more likely to be popular with the public than all the rest put together :— The Thames Embankment.—The trunks of the trees to be painted yellow, and the lamp- decorated with faded artificial flowers. St. Paul's Cathedral.—Half-a-dozen chimneys in red brick (Elizabethan period) to be added to the dome. Trafalgar ere tee paws of the lions at the base of Neison’s Column to be converted into drinking-fountains, and the Statue of CHARLEs THE First to be Albert Memorial,—To be whitewashed. The groups of marble to inted chocolate, picked out with black. f Marble Arch.—To be inoreased in size with the aid of a wood framework and some roughly-painted canvas. _ ; Westminster Abbey.—The win to be filled in with red brick, and the towers to be gilded. ; The Crystal Palace.—The glass to be stuccoed, and coloured pink. And, lastly, the Benchers’ Chambers in the Temple to be painted green, and labelled ‘‘ Hanwell Asylum, Branch Establishment.” TO THE TIMID TOURIST. (4 Seasonable Hint.) Sre,—In these days, when to ‘t make hay while the sun shines” is to perform that operation in five minutes, and when the length of a holiday can only be ‘* between the showers,” one of the wy trips is by the L. C. and D. line to Dover, thence by the Calais- Douvres to Calais, run on by train to Boulogne, and so back next day, unless it’s your debaskey to Monday, with Sunday, like the Queen’s Proctor, ‘‘ intervening.” The Timid Tourist who takes this outing—an out-and-out outin ry | paraphrase the lines in Alice in Wonderland’s ‘‘ Jabberwock,” and say of himself— * O happy day! Le Dowwres-Calais |"? He chortled in his joy! And it’s a great thing to be able to chortle for forty-eight hours, or for twenty-four, or for even four out of the twenty. ‘‘ One who Suffers” gives - hint, and — he can — saat & sea- passage, it must be a i one. regards this particular outing, the initials of the L. C. and D. route might stand for ‘* Let’s Come and Do it.” Yours truly, Le Marevuis pe MaLpemen. NO POPERY AMONGST PAUPERS, THE sympathy of Mr. Bumpie has been awakened by a report in a md to the effect that a meeting of the Cardiff Board of Guardians roke up, the other day, in disorder, the result of an angry dis- canon, conmnas by ° i — the ~~ * _ ment confirming intment of a nurse, whom they objected to because she was + aon Catholic. In this r t, their behaviour, Mr. Bumsix is disgusted to observe, has been ascribed to bigotry ; as if, in objecting to a nurse on the pont of religion, the porochial mind of any respectable body of Poor Law Guardians could ever possibly be actuated by any consideration whatsoever for any such contemptible trifles as paupers’ souls. The reason why they disa admitting a nurse on account of her being a Roman Catholic, was because they were afraid that, as such, she would be very likely to perform the duties of her office after the manner of a Sister of Charity, in a precious deal too mild and gentle and lenient a way to be a fit and proper attendant on the vile and vicious inmates of a Union Workhouse. NO COMPARISON. Queen Ranavotona, Sovereign of Madagascar, has addressed an edict to her subjects, exhorting them to send their children duly to school. ‘There appear to be minds sane enough to be tible of ey Much rain, Donatp ? ld, A bit soft. Just wet a’ day, wi’ showers between. education even in M That is the best answer to the ques- tion— What Island is like Bedlam ? niet eet meen te Ee ee Pree

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-PUNC H, OR THE LONDON. “CH. ARIVARL. [Acoust 30, 1879, i rt ———-- === PIC-NICS. lr Tae Son were Not Brorwtnc, AND THE SAND DIDN’T GET INTO THE SALAD, AND THE ROCKS WERE SOFT AND SMOOTH, AND THERE WERE NO HORNETS, AND ONE HADN’T TO GO THREE-QUARTERS OF A MILE FoR WATER, WHAT A TAME AFFAIR A PI0-NIC WOULD BE! I hope they like Egyptian darkness. Dogs! “A CHIP OF THE OLD BLOCK!” pena oe | about ’midst our financial fogs. They find the aids Ns aed does not gallop— Kuepive Junior, loguitur :-— Avtan! Bismillah! Bother them, I say, Son vice Sire idiesit Oho! what fun! Those brand-new F rankish boots. Take them away ! The Giaour discovers ’tis ** like sire — son.”’ Toe-pinching torture is not to my fancy IsmaIL, thou art avenged, and those who wronged thee To-day. Are done ! I much prefer my banished Sire’s old slippers Ah, Allah! I could dance with sheer eelight. To those new-fangled Infidel toe-nippers. The family slippers fit me—oh! yes, qui I won't be pinched to please those graspy, greedy Slave, take those boots, and tell the franks I find ’em Bond-grippers. Too tight ! Take them away! They may be all the go Ulaft gerferming « pas soul on qantonfies. In Paris, London, but the Egyptian toe = Has not a Chinese ya 8 squeezability, , no! Bismarck and Banting. Talk of Egyptian bondage? If the Giaour A MORNING contemporary supplies the following information with Can bear such pedal stricture for an heur, respect to The dog must be as tough, or as elastic, “Prince BismManck.—It is stated in Berlin that one result of the stay of As dour. Prince Bismarck at Kissingen has been a considerable reduction of his weight and bulk.’’ ’ Fne-Sho may out ho Wert, “ie Resta nee Of his bulk, perhaps; and it may be none the worse for the Great To wear our garments, like our morals, loose. Chancellor that his shadow is less than it was. But his weight eee nee aay - + pe saa apparently remains, in European politics, at least, as great as ever. Aha! Le re sweetly sold, those sons of Sheitan, 4 pe thong t my Sire’s son = fits to frighten, A Country Sell. ishing my purse bares —, e my loose pantoufles, Native Joker (dissembling). It’s been very fine here for the last week. Blundering botehers! Cobblers void of skill ! Tourist (who has been kept in by the showers, indignantly). What's ‘Think they to bend the stubborn Orient will ? been very fine here ” Their boots boot as op] and their labour’s issue jative. The rain. Very fine rain. ( Exit Native Joker, hurriedly.

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, > ~—— 5 es - 4 NONE OF THE ’ sie 2.235 A fy Sasusaeestsa’ + Khe, Ld WLITIIVIZLE 6’ Vibha ete “Uh LE LETELESI A PILI 4 3 Keep deippphage —— i Sta, a “ ee pp ph, hepa oA pa ta an ne LE wtq pepe ST Ap pebuhahihiutdidalt cemaciees # UL tbdhonhkhad A! ia ELSE LESS —— Cc hehneddbedateupabdt mens - FI 2 aT ra) ~ @D _— a Or) & | > | -- a2 — = — — | <i | o Z =) iam) | & = = i ~ — * 4 SS SS PUNCH, OR THE ttt tts LB A so we) a te Sian ‘A CHIP OF THE OLD BLOCK

ME! Kueprve Juntor (/og.), ‘‘ TAKE "EM AWAY—TAKE ’EM AWAY!

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Avaust 30, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 93

FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. (Turrp Serres.—SuMMER.) Cuaprer II, EconD Day— More QY ~ 7 \——/* Cream—Cakes— ~ Proverbial— Shortbread— Names — Lunch — Party—Tennis — Life — Living — Sleeping— Book—Third Day—A change — Care — Mac- duff-— Two emi- neat mag se — Weather signs =: — remarkable — Forecasts — . Friends — Points : of interest — Re- petition—Ben and Robbie— Hearthstone— Views— Night. BREAKFAST as - before. Luncheon as before. More = strawberries and —*—~ (CC, morecream. Also =D cakes, I fo Land of Cakes. I shall not forgot it again in hurry. In fast, there's 0 es. no it again inahurry. In fact, there's no chance of being in a hurry, after the cakes and the shortbread. Why ‘‘ short-bread?” Because it what they call “eats short”— but lasts long. However, it is short and sweet—shortbread and sweetbread all in one. Somehow Shortbread sounds like an uphol- sterer’s firm. No; that’s SHooLprep. We commence the day with a walk to the summer-house, to see if Ben Lomond hasn’t disappeared during the night; and on our return we say, ‘‘ There’s Burrgns’s Monument.” This is a sort of religious duty. After this we can play till lunch. At lunch a party. After lunch it increases, like many other parties do after lunch. I feel inclined to ‘‘ join the Gallery,” and watch the lawn-tennis. . Too many strawberries and cream spoil the tennis-player. Excellent exercise, Difficult to watch. Difficult to score. At present I am bothered by ‘‘ deuce” and ‘ vantage.” Watching first-rate players is a cause of great comfort to me. They miss. They sky the balls over trees. They hit their chins. They fail to send ’em always over the net. In fact, the better the play the less the hitting, the quicker the scoring, and the shorter the game. The best pis ers get themselves into very absurd attitudes. As one of the ery, 1am immensely amused. I find I know just enough of the game to be a critic. I see clearly what everyone ep le I say to myself, ‘‘ He played that yed onee, I say to myself, ‘‘ He pla no more tha day which is a quotation adapted; and I think that half-an- hour’s meditation on a sofa, or in an easy-chair, with a book, and one’s eyes shut, would refresh me considerably before dinner. ‘* Do 80, Barxins.” I do so, At dinner, more cream with fruit tart. After dinner, more strawberries and cream. Last night of straw- berries and cream. Feel a little heavy. ‘‘ There was the weight that pulled me down, O CromweLt.” Also quotation. After a course of strawberries and cream, I shan’t be much ‘‘ pulled down,” O Cromwett! By the way, did Saaxspxzare think that CromweLt was an Irishman, when he made Wotsry address him as ‘‘O Crom- WELL”? (Note for Shaks jan Society.) After a short of billiards, I retire to m room. ‘ Take up a book—JIs Life worth Living? by Matiocx. That is the

middle of the first chapter, I k I certainly won’t eat any more strawberries and cream. Every additional spoonful of strawberries | pet and cream weakens the power of resistance in the will. No; strengthens it, I should eeee, Se, atte 0 wale, these’ go ates will—it must result in a determined ‘‘ won't.” . The * Positivist School” wish to show that Life possesses an intrinsic happiness which makes it worth living for its own sake. Hum !—let me see. Tremendous breakfast in the morning, pipe at the right lawn-tennis, driving, riding, strolling, great garden always open, shooting, luncheon, lawn-tennis, &c., da Sepwtinden,

champagne, claret au choiz—billiards, music, toddy, bed... ‘* Js life worth living ?” Happy Thought.—‘ Is Life worth Living” depends on the Liver. Sum this up, and suggest it to Mr. Mattock with my compliments. “Ts Life worth Living?” I don’t know. I'll go to bed, I read Mr. Maiocx’s admirable work in bed—that is, four pages of it. I begin to meditate on some of his problems. Don’t think much of Professor Huxiey. He shuts his eyes to facts. ... So Wek ecas Is Sleep worth sleeping? Yes. Third Day.—Morning. No strawberries and cream, thank Shortbread? No, than ye not this morning, er. Will ‘i 5 stroll out and—‘' See Ben Yes, with a pipe. Not a bag pipe, but a te baggy- pipe mond and Burren’s Monument” ? . Beotch joke, registered. y on, Macduff,” which was a good tip of Macbeth’s, as Macduff beat him, and anyone laying on Mac- d would have won. But to our am in the country of two celebrated individuals, Ronsre Burws— pronounced “‘ Burrans”—and Ben Lomond. I am perpetually being reminded of Burns, and somebody is always pointing out Ben Lomond. When we can’t see Ben Lomond, we are contented with a view of Burgens’s Monument, at ten or fifteen miles’ distance. When it is too hazy to see either, we guess at the spot where each would be if we c see it. In the morning. Examine glass. Glass going up, but rain coming down. Weather forecasts in this country appear to be, if rainy in the morning it’s safe to clear up afterwards; but when ** afterwards ’ i i ’ may be is a trifle vague. Weather signs, as far as | can gather from natives, are peculiar. en you see a fly lying down in a dusty road, it’s a sure sign of rain. crows in the daytime, it will rain before night. A dog barking all night is another sure “.. When . cock en you hear a clock strike ten very clearly, it’s a sure sign of rain. When you can’t see Ben Lomond fifty miles off, it’s rain toa certainty. When you can see it most distinctly, there’s no doubt about it to be bad weather. When there’s a mist about Burran’s Mon it’s sure to be going torain. When the cows get up, and atand about in a field, it’s an infallible sure sign of rain: also when they a tree. The appearance of mi down under flies in numbers, betoken a EB change in the weather for the worse ; if the bite and the flies de and sun sting so as to drive everyone wild, it will rain before morning to a certainty ; and the only promise ot fing weather is when it’s pouring, or when it’s thund light’ or there ’s a drizzle, or a dense mist. Under these last Sa opti rises, everyone is hopeful. But when the w r ig fine, and the shining, then we all go about examining the weathercocks, looking at Burys’s Monument, and shaking our heads at Benjamin Lomond in a nervous, anxious manner; for when it is a down- pour we know the worst, and hope the best, but when we get the best, we know that any change must be for the worse. After breakfast my host suggests walking up to the summer- house. By all means. He takes glasses with him, as if we were going to the races. When at the summer-house, he adjusts the glasses, and scrutinises the details of the country as carefully as though trying to detect unfriendly Zulus concealed behind the hay- cocks in the mealy-clover-fields. I watch him anxiously. He is looking about for somebody or something. I am silent. Present! he smiles with joy. ‘* There he is!” he cries. ‘* You can see him! ”’ ii) “ And he hands the glass to me. ask See whom ?”’ . , Ben Lomond,” is the answer, ‘' There he is!” And he directs 7. sight towards the spot. ‘es, there is Ben Lomond—a “ Big Ben” of Scotland. I shouldn’t have picked him out as a celebrity at this distance, if he hadn’t been pointed out to me. [Happy 7 At. Good subject for a ‘‘ Celebrities en O at Home” paper—*’ mond chez lui.’’) “*Can’t see him very clearly to-day,” says my host, with a tinge of melancholy in his voice, as though he were afraid that Ben Lomond had got tired of Scotland, and had left the place quietly during the night. ‘‘’Fraid there’s going to be a change in the weath er!” I return him the glasses, and he has another look at Ben Lomond, to ascertain if he really is there. He is. He hasn’t gone away. _ Then, with an attempt at getting ? some fictitious excitement in ‘ by g La bin Pen, 2 ant Sen Che glames Ogee, <0 question—"‘ Js life w iving ? terestin, bject. im. i T thin siaiy tend en eae This pleases my host, I am sure, who is fond of Ben, as a sort of to be shown Oo Fee “ want to have another look at He looks well,” I remark. ** Yes, he does,” says my host, much gratified, as if the thriving pean of Ben Lanens an due ry F gee B system of feeding “What's his height?” I ask, in @ tone implying the deepest interest in Ben, AY - might express for a tall lad who was out- growing his strength. My host is a little hurt by the question, for it turns out that Ben

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THE LONDON THE AGRICULTURAL INTEREST. Landlord (to Tenant who had given up Farming at the end o his Lease, to await better times), ‘* Weut, JACKSON, HOW DO YOU LIKE LIVING ON YOUR CaPiTaL!” Farmer. ‘‘ Nor Too weit, MY Lornp; BuT I FIND IT CHEAPER THAN LETTING YOU LIVE on iT!” z— Lomond—Ais Ben—is not by any means the tallest in Satend, Gas being at least three other Bens above him. However, Ben turns out to be about three thousand two hundred feet, and, as I am as pleased with this estimate as I should have been had I h he was twenty tho’ d, the smile returns to my host’s countenance, and he takes another look at Ben quite sure that he had the glasses with an anxious expression \ ving out one of his usan through as if he were m not y Ben an injustice by understating his height—perhaps numerous feet. 4 “No,” he murmurs, more to himself than to me, as he lowers the glass—“‘that’s it. Yes; he’s about three thousand two hundred feet.” He says this in a decided tone, as the result of his having just measured him with his eye, and he returns the glasses to their case. We go to the house. On the terrace he points out a spire in the distance, visible to the naked eye—Burerys’s Monument. We see it too clearly. Sign of rain. Luncheon.—Several guests. Elderly Gentleman asks me if 1’ve been in these parts before? No, never. We walk out together afterwards,—that is, the Elderly Gentleman and myself. He takes CHARIVARI. [Aueust 3°, 1879. me apart, and, as if he were going to tell mea secret. We light a cigar, and up the plantation. e is evidently burst- ing to impart some confidence to me. Per- haps a scandal about our neighbours. I do not notice that we have entered on the path that leads to the summer-house. He has been asking me all the way along whether I know this person and that person. Evi- dently a scandalous story coming, which will be most amusing. We stop at the summer-house. He takes my arm. His manner becomes most confidential. I didn’t catch his name when he was introduced, but I have a e idea that his name was someth: e Heartustone; but I do not risk it. I don’t address him as Heartrustone ; I only think of him as HearTusTone. a Scotchman, of course he is Zhe Heartu- stone of Hearthstone, and none other genuine. Hearrustone of Hearthstone takes my arm and draws me to the side of the sum- mer-house. He’s going to tell me—I feel sure of it—of some awful crime committed on this spot,—a legend, with a scandal and a ghost in it. “Yes,” he begins, slowly, and I am all attention—‘‘ where we are standing——”’ “* Yes,” I say, encouragingly, catching his tone. ‘* Where we are standing,” he continues, ‘* you can just see—between those two trees right in front of us——” “Yes,” I reply, nodding my head at the trees just a few feet from us, which “yo mark the spot where some dreadful d was committed. ‘* Well—between those trees,”’ he goes on deliberately, and now raising his right hand, slowly, and shading his eyes, and once more | am all attention—“ yes — between those two trees—straight before ag ** Well—that ’s Ben Lomond!” I feel as if I had been awfully sold. I look at him, to see if he is in earnest. He is—terribly in earnest. Not liking to hurt his feelings, I say, “Yes, I see it.” Then , presently, **T saw it this morning.” _* Ah!” he says, not a bit chagrined or disappointed. ‘Of course ALLISON showed it you. * Yes, he did.” We return. Heanrtustone of Hearth- stone leads the conversation on to various topies, chiefly sporting, and all interesting as novelties. Before reaching the house he stops, as though he were a pointer on the track, and, after a brief pause, observes in rather a subdued tone, as uncertain as to how I am going to take the remark, ** You can see BurRRNs’s Monument from here. There it is.” I reply, ** Yes, there it is.” “Ah!” he returns, quite cheerfully, as ALLISON will have showed it you this mo’ Yes; my host did showit me this morning. Heartustone of H one is satisfied. i . Weare all satisfied. We stroll out. 4 A wo | night when the stars shine bright, and the moon sheds her light, &c., &e., ‘hen, in fact, wrything is conducive to postry specially 8 good digesti basis am st "“ ~ terrace—as we all are—smoking ting, and I am silent. I am thinking of the starry firmament, of “Is life worth living ?” of strawberries and cream, and other sublime subjects, when a voice ex

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Aveust 30, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 95 ." .* RN eee Wi Sh! SSSR Soe LS AN XN > RN SS MAW S ASF J wae ek. . ™ WARDS FOR THE WEALTHY. SS ’ n ho SS A ay “Ht cf ei“ Lue rm e, goer OO” ta Varma aor, lrg ae ee as AM ef A i - —_ “Baw GerMAN BAND). BROWN ACTUALLY HOLDS HIS Doo BACK! Tue 4 Wey MAGNANIMITY MAY DEGENERATE INTO WEAKNESS. Brown’s BULLDOG FLIES AT A STRAPPING YOUNG FOREIGNER, WHO CALLS FoR Mongy (For THE persons, who, the question, ** How do t too truly reply, ” and yet be also co nf describable as ‘‘ well-to-do.” Wi reference to this class of people, Sir Rournerrorp Atcock, writing on ** Hospitals for the Middle Classes,” announces that the Treasurer and Governors of St. Thomas’s Hospital ‘or persons doing well enough to be able to pay for it, and ill enough to stand in need of it. At present the ital does well only to those that do ill as to estate as well as in body ; but its benefits yet remain to be ex- tended to ill-doers of the better sort than those others, as doing ill in health alone, but being, J nae of pecuniary circumstances, off, Summer and Autumn. ‘“* Summer,” cried, in a splendid Brogue, Murruy, ‘‘ we'd none; And before it has ended Here ’s Autumn begun !” ‘**’Tis high time I should go,’’ Said Swift to the Swallow ; Which bird answered, ‘I trow When you flit I shall follow.” INTEMPERATE WrEATHER.—DBeery, Heavy Wet, and ‘‘ Muggy.” “ By Jove! I didn’t think it was possible!” ; All are startled. What is it? A gathering of the Clans? A descent of the Highlanders on the Lowlanders?’ An explosion of a cask of whuskey ? i ie No. The speaker is a Jonnstone of Johnstone; and I inquire anxiously what may be the matter. “Oh, nothing,” he replies. ‘‘ Only—if you stand exactly here ”— and I move from a vee, and take some pains to place myself exactly there— , . 7 Well ?” I ask, expecting an Aurora borealis, or something marvellous. mi “ Well,” he goes on, extending his right arm, ‘‘ by this light you just see—Ben Lomond.” ’ ‘ Yes. Thank you. Very interesting.” Only if I look at again, 1’m—— But no matter. Carriages. Guests depart. Host sees me up to my room. Every- thing comfortable. Quite. He goes to the windew. The blind is up. He shakes his head sadly. : ¥2 ay by rain to-morrow ?” I ask, cheerily. ** No,” he replies, ‘‘ I don’t think so.” h e his head so meets 3 Well, he had told them to give me another room—not this. ; “* Anything the matter with this?” I inquire. “Oh, no, it’s all right,” he returns. ‘ Only ’’—he adds, regret- fully—** you can’t see Ben Lomond from the window. Good night.” MT Hloppy Thought Then it’s a bad look-out for Ben I d appy -—Then it’s a ook-out for Ben Lomond. b open Is Life worth Living ? mence ing. eae at r. ‘*Come in!” My host’s head appears. He has quite for- tten to tell me that my window commands a splendid view of URERNS’s Monument. Oh! Mauch obliged to him. Good night. I shall dream of Ben Lomond and the Monument. can j “Ah! Ben EFFECT OF A RECENT STORM. BIOLOGICAL QUERIES, Dr. AttmAN, President of the British Association, delivered to that body, at Sheffield, an address on the Basis of Biology, which may have been instructive to a philosopher, whilst intelligible to a youn lady. Many a scientific lecturer evinces lucid intervals only ; ut Dr, Attman in his discourse maintained an uniform lucidity. Some of his interesting statements were suggestive of questions none of which were asked by any of his hearers. He said that plants as well as animals could be narcotised by chloroform and by ether, and that in the state of pone | thus induced on them, their ic functions are Lanes - Has alcohol also a characteristic effect upon plants? Will it intoxicate them? Will it make any plant whatever drunk and incapable? Drunk and disorderly, perhaps, it can hardly render any mere plant, howsoever a wild one ; or even any » Dr. Attman explained that irrita is one thing, and con- sciousness is another. No doubt. But is it possible for an old entleman, for instance, to be irritable without being conscious of is irritability ? Are we quite sure that the irritability of plants is unaccompanied by consciousness ? Have the Drosera and other carnivorous plants no appetite for the insects they eat ? ht cucumbers and cabbages to be cut under anesthetics, and when are not, is the gardener chargeable with cruelty to oy eee ? And should not a Society be instituted for the prevention ? Waste and Woodland. From a Parliamentary on the forests in C latel published, it appears that, fan oy Turkish mismanagement, there hai so long been going on such a great and ous waste of timber in that Island, that there are few if any, Government is expected to take immediate action, in order, as soon as possible, to replace the Cyprus trees. There is no reason why they not begin t0 the has by no THE tempest blew away tiles off the roofs of houses, and turned the tiles into projec-tiles. plant away ily. for the Massacre of Innocents ground means cleared their Nursery 8.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 30, 1879.

A GREAT PAROCHIAL STORM. cS = H, eg GS = 2 the Times, just as if it had rained, hailed, thundered, and lightened for them alone. They always seem to think that they have been on the very spot where the storm was at its worst, and yet, after all, they never tell of more than an inch or 6o of rain falling. In our part of the country we do not think much of an inch, I can tell you. Why, I have often had it knee-deep in the dip in the road by my house, and yet I have never written to the Editor of the Zimes. However, the ish I live in is as good as any other parish—for a icular breed of Berkshire hogs I would back it all England—and therefore it is high time that it should get into the newspaper, for indeed we did haye a storm here on Saturday week. Were our Parson living I would get him to write, but he, has been dead these five weeks, and they have not had time as yet to appoint another. I suppose they nave been too busy getting in their hay. I am, however, the next best thing to the Parson, for I was his Warden, and have lived here, man and boy, fifty years come next grass. Now, Sir, what | want you in London to understand is this. The worst part of this storm was in this here parish. In fact it was the most parochial storm | have known in my time, and I know as much about parish matters as most people. Following the e le of the good folk who write to the papers, I have kept a kind of diary-like of the storm, which may be you will care to print. If so, you are welbome to it, for I don't see that if I keep it, it will be of any good to me, and so you may as well have it. ere it is :— Diary of the Great Parochial Storm of the night of Saturday, August 2nd, 1879. Five o'clock in the Evening.—1 had my tea, with a Yarmouth ee p= began to bray and the Squire’ 5°30.—I smoked a pipe. jackass y and uire’s peacocks to scream. ua na upon it,” said I oo mag wife, ‘‘ we are going to have a storm to-night;” for those animals do not make noises for nothing. It is not in reason that they should. 6°30.—Neighbour Sroxes came in, and I said to him, ‘‘ Mark my words. We are in for a storm to-night.” He said it was not in the forecasts in the newspapers. id, “‘ Blow the forecasts and the I newspapers too. M j ass does not bray for nothing, no more does the Seuire’s penttel. ‘ 8°0.—I sat down to supper, and madé as hearty a meal as ever I have in my life. Heaven Te raised for it! . 9°9.—It begun to lighten, and I turned to my wife and to Neigh- bour Stores, who had stayed to supper, and said, ‘‘There! I told you so. I knew how it would be!”

9°30.—We had. a glass of something hot to comfort us, and I smoked another pipe. The storm grew worse. 10.—Neighbour Sroxes set off home through as heavy a rain as ever I have seen. However, it served him right for trusting those forecasts. y ; 10°15.—As there was nothing to be got by sitting up, I went to bed, and slept soundly till next morning. Sunday, August 3rd, 8.—Up and out before breakfast to look about ine. Met Neighbour Sroxes, and asked him whether I hadn’t been right, after all? Met Mr. Jones, the curate, and told him as how I told Neighbour Stokes and my wife that I knew there was a storm ome. Mr. Jones said that in all the years he was in the College of Oxford he 7 never seen such lightning, aoe c- a a we, for e isa very great scholar, and knows, t reek, had thundered so much, he said, that he hed not he abl i his sermon, and so would have to preach ah old one, there was nothing wonderful in that, for I knew all the parish must have been turned sour, and go it for that anyone could write a sermon on such & it as that. 11.—Neighbours coming to church told me of a sight of mischief that had been done. A litter of pigs had drowned. Three barrels of beer turned sour, not to mention the milk. An old shed had had the roof taken clean off. An old iving i near the Common had been awakened by the water coming in at the back-door, and had the night on the table. Another old woman coming home late had had the lightning playing about her umbrella for a — of an hour together. But I have not patience to go through half the things I heard; besides, the bell left off ringing as they were telling me about what had happened to the Squire’s new hayrick, and, being Warden, I had to h into the vestry, only just in time to march into church behind the Curate. There ends my Diary of the Great Parochial Storm so far as it O Porhabe some day, when I have got the corn in, I shall have time to finish it, when you shall have the rest, should you like it. I am, Mr. Editor, your obedient Servant, Joun WEATHERWISE, Fieldton, August 8th, 1879. Farmer and Churchwarden.

A TRIBUTE AND A TROUBLE. Waar will Mr. Tracy Turweretwi do with the ‘‘ Tribute,” as he calls the Wreath, which, instead of encircling the brow it was designed to decorate, hangs upon his hands, and whereby he declares himself a heavy loser? He public-spiritedly offers to ‘‘ hand it over to one of our great national museums, to be —< in nity asa specimen of English goldsmith’s work of the Nineteenth Century,” and proposes that, ‘‘ to carry out this purpose, a suitable and cost] case should be procured ;” at a cost of about £100, at which it woul bs considered, — acase of cost at least costly enough. This cost, however, he seems to imagine might ibly be defrayed by subscription ; and he hopes to be reimbu for the expenses he has contracted in getting the Tribute up, ‘‘ but this” he leaves “ to the generosity of the British Public.” He will be happy to receive communications on this matter. Very likely. Being, as he says, out of et by the ‘‘ Tribute,” and that “* Tribute,” a Wreath of gold, having been thrown back in his face, couldn’t Mr. Tracy TURNERELLI, by leave of his subscribers, poc a og h ll h be bled appropriately to en he‘ might still, perhaps, ena a tely out the purpose of handin the “Tribute” over to a great nati museum, by disposing it to the r tatives of Madame Tvssaup. Clearly the most suitable place for it in all England would be the popular Collection in Baker Street; where, having himself also been added in wax, Mr. Tracy TURNERELLI might remain in perpetuity—his effigy posed in the act of crowning Lord BEACONSFIELD with the tributary Wreath for ever.

Cookery and Culture. To “ English epicures ” whose ideas of liver as a luxury for the table are limi to calf’s liver and bacon, the following extract from a column of advertisements in the Times, may be somewhat interesting :— (joie FRANCAISE, pas moins de 80 livers. Age thirty-five. Bonne référence Anglaise. &c., &c. This Cuisiniére may be very well worth full thirty Avres sterling, and is perhaps up to more in cookery than so many ways of cool re, Rs of = rye beg y a a oo Fon te livers probably exeeeds her knowledge wres, ps she may carry the contents of no end of cookery-books in head.

£7 To Corggsronpanrs.— The Editor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, stamped and directed enuclope. or pay for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by « ‘opres should be kept.

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Serremper 6, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 97 SHOOTING ON THE FIRST. (A Suggestion for a Chapter in the next Sporting Novel.) F course whatever may have been the weather in other parts of the count we were not j i in Rainington, . It would have been too hard, had all the pre- parations of my dear old host, the Squire, proved y mmee ye A i But no, a glance through window in the early morn showed that all was > It was _Relting as it had pelted for weeks past. We were in for a rwet day. Had it cleared up at the last moment it would not have mattered, as for miles round I could see nothing but a level sheet of water. _ Thoroughly pleased, T put on my waterproofs, with a jaunty air. I took the greater care with my toilette, as I knew that Lorrre was waiting to greet me in the breakfast-room. ‘* How well you look,” exclaimed the dear girl, as I hurried into her presence. Why, you ae Oo a helmet to be the very image of the diver at the Polytechnic!” ithout any loss of modesty, I may admit, that the compliment was not undeserved. We had scarcely time to exchange any further greeting, when Haroxp and his father appeared S the breakfast table, They, too, were fully prepared to brave, if not the battle, at least storm. After a hearty meal, we got into the boat that had been pushed up beneath the window. The head keeper was in attendance, with half-a-dozen umbrellas; and a Newfoundland been added to our -. ** He ’s so fond of the water!” exclaimed the Squire, ‘‘ and will be of the greatest assist- ance to the retriever.” _After kissing my hand to Lorrie, who watched us as we disappeared through the rain, | seized an oar, and pulled bow to Harotp’s stroke, The boat made rapid Take care, my lads,” sang out the cheery old Squire, who was steering. ‘‘ We have passed Se oe road, and should be somewhere in the avenue by this time. Can you feel any bran ing We replied in the negative, but had scarcely time to answer, before bump went the t wer some masonry. 7 ’s that?” asked the Squire, turning to the keeper. “* Well, Sir, I don’t rightly know, but if you give me yous glasses, [ think I may find out. You see all this here water be confusing. It can’t be the church spire, because | know the ain’t yet and—— Why, to be sure! What a foollam! It’s the top of the rg Spek gn te And so it proved to be. To make a long story a short one, we had about as good sport as had | CARLos will on 1 2 a, to verify our su ition. “y lunch, ek the be waiting for us on barge moored to the top of the haystack. little ise for you, that | . . We won't +o or years past we have under the haystack, and we will ! §So profuse in his uxurious in his arrange- g in readiness. we was the ‘ vind ibe LD. ,» mysell, an e a » were fifteen feet the water! ; : e could not SNE Sash ip Ot Bring. bell; but, you may be sure, Lorrm and | a thousand glances. In the afternoon, , we some excite- Lorrie gone home, and we had _ in search of the , the weather was too to be out in. lads,” said the Squire, turn- ing to the beaters, who had followed us in a & “We ought to be near the river. ’s for a swim? You may kick up something.” In a moment, half a dozen boys and men were in the water. Suddenly the tail Tae r stiffened, A gleam — i Fae enh 6 egleds —a loud report—and a splash. “I think I hit something,” I ssid, as | removed the empty cartridge from the barrel of my sti! citing bopechlceder, The ers and Newfoundland dashed into the water, and came back to the test Beene oe id the fair girl, “I puppose yea have added nothing to the larder. An yet you might have got something for me, Sir.” lis was said with a charming pout. | hurried from the room, and returned triumphantly with the contents of my game "Nothing for you, darling!” I cried. “Why, you —% I would give my life for _ But see, I have not forgotten pee. y accept this trifle as a memento of my never-dying devotion.” And I laid at the feet of my loved one—a salmon ! A Bull for Spain. Ir is rumoured that on the occasion of King Atpnonso’s second marriage, Dow yh Fy - as soa, with a on, and finally relinquis all claim fo ‘the throne of 8 i If this satisfactory conclusion to Civil War beyond the Pyrenees is reached, the Ex-Pretender, having laid down his sword, will still have to pay for his railway ticket. Clothed with his new dignity, it will yet be inaccurate to describe his Royal Highness as an “ Infant —in arms,” A MYSTERY EXPLAINED, Mr. Punch (after reading a recent Ga- xy = you tell my good British Public, the meaning of the letters G.C.b. 7 British Public (promptly). To be sure— | Great Cape Blunderer ! VOL. LXXVII. kK

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en eee 98 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [SerremBer 6, 1879. “SOLD!” School-Board Inquisitor. ‘‘Goop Moxxrne, Coacuman. Your NAME 18 Prosser, | pewieve ? Have you any Curtprexs—Boys or Giais?” Old Groom (asswming intense meckness). ‘‘ Yes, Sin; aT your Service, Sir. Two Grats, Sin od School-Board Inquisitor, ““ Do THry Go To Scnoo.?”’ Old Groom. *‘ Scnoot, Smr? Nor ruey, Sie!” School- Board Inquisitor ( fiercely). “‘ AND PRAY WHY NoT?’’ Old Groom (shaking his head). ‘* Au, Sin, THeY’vE GoT suUcH WILis 0’ THEIR own, Sir!” School-Board Inquisitor, *‘ Aua!"”—(Froducing Note-Book with ardour.)—‘* Toz1n Names AND Aczss!” Old Groom (still more meekly). *‘ Jane anp Mary, Sir. OTHER'S JUST TURNED 0’ Two-an’-Twenty, Sir!” Yes, Siz, Onz’s Nivereen, Srz, AND THE [Exit Inquisitor hastily. A Problem. Wnuo will interpret the following, from a Western paper P— OUNTRY HOME for a Gentleman ; pony carriage, cow ; or a little Girl to Educate with one who has a Governess. Apply, &c. THE TERRIBLE EXAMPLE; OR, THE WAR-OFFICE PLOT. (Military Drama—adapted from the South-African.) ScenE—A modern battle-field on the morrow of a disaster. In the foreground an Unhappy Subaltern waiting, in front of a file of Soldiers, bound, ready to be shot. Enter Distinguished Commander- in-Chief, surrounded by a brilliant Staff. Distinguished Commander-in- Chief. And now, Soldiers, to make a terrible example of him, and vindicate the honour of the Service. Load your carbines fully to the muzzles, and do your duty. load. Unhappy Subaltern, Nay, but hear me! I repeat that the evidence—— : Distinguished Commander - in - Chief (fiercely). Silence, Sirrah! There are occasions on which evidence is as nothing when weighed in the balance inst senti- ment. This is one of them. You will be shot, as a terrible example. Soldiers, to your work! Make ready! Present !—— Unhappy Subaltern. Hold! I would make one last dying observation before I fill a soldier’s grave. I was not on duty—at least, that was my firm impression. Distinguished Commander-in- Chief. In- deed ! hen that alters the case most materially. Soldiers, a firm impression must be respected. Remove his bonds, and give him an easy-chair. Unhappy Subaltern. Thanks, noble and generous Chief. And am I indeed now free to receive a deputation ? Distinguished Commander-in- Chief. You are. But the privilege leaves your r old Commander in a sorry hobble! How, Sirrah, think you, will he make his ‘* terrible example” now ? Unhappy Subaltern. Believe me, most excellent and worthy Chief, I neither know nor care. Distinguished Commander-in- Chief (with suppressed emotion). Will no one help me? Enter an Astute Adjutant-General with writing materials. Astute Adjutant-General (throwing open a large blotting-book). Yes—I! See, here is a piece of official paper, a full inkstand, and apen. With these trifles, rest assured I will make it tolerably hot for somebody. The illustrious General, for instance ? - Distinguished Commander-in- Chief. Im- possible. He was under the firm impres- sion that it was all right. Besides, he is an excellent fellow. No, no, my good Ad- jutant, that was not what I meant by a ‘terrible example.” Such things are not for Pall Mall. Now, is there no one—— Astute Adjutant-General (brightly). Ha! I have it! There is someone—a distant Colonel—— Distinguished Commander-in-Chief. A distant Colonel, said you, my worthy Ad- jutant ?—a distant Colonel ? Good! That’s good! Proceed ! Astute Adjutant-General. A distant Colonel, who, I think, might perhaps be worked in judiciously —— Distinguished Commander-in- Chief. Into a manifesto? I see it all, my worthy Adjutant. You will clear the Authorities at home—— , Astute Adjutant-General. Give a slap at those at a distance—— Distinguished Commander-in- Chief. Vin- dicate the honour of the Service—— Astute Adjutant-General. Write the most killing letter of the dull Season——

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Serremper 6, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Distinguished Commander-in-Chief. Make a terrible example of — Astute Adjutant-General (getting off his horse, and bowing). The distinguished Commander-in-Chief — Distinguished Commander-in- Chief (curvetting to the front). And the Astute Adjutant-General! (Zo Audi- ence.) And if our kind friends in front are only satisfied, there isn’t a merrier, madder autumn joke going than—— Astute Adjutant-General, ‘‘The War - Office Plot ; or,—— Distinguished Commander-in-Chief. ‘‘The Terrible Example. [ They retire, bowing, as Curtain falls. THE WOMAN’S RIGHTS’ VADE MECUM, (Compiled for the use of Males by a Distinguished Female Member of the British Association.) Q. What is your position as a man ? A. 1 am a unit in a minority. Q. As women belong to the majority, what is your duty to them ? A. To submit myself entirely to their guidance. Q. Have you any rights ? A. Certainly. I have the right to know how to make a pudding, to darn a stocking, and to scrub a floor. . Are you the head of your own household ? A. Yes, theoretically. Q. What privilege does this theoretical ‘* headship ” confer upon you ? A. It gives me the privilege of settling all the bills and earning the money with which those bills are paid. Q. Ought you to be given a vote ? A. That is a matter that should be referred to my wife for decision. Q. In what way has your education been neglected ? A, I have wasted my time in learning grammar when it ought to have been employed in mastering the prin- ciples of ironing, ddhontadien and bonnet-trimming. Q. Of whom should the Members of the House of Commons consist ? A. Of maiden Ladies who admit that they will never again see five-and-thirty. Q. When should an M.P. be forced to accept the Stewardship of the Chiltern Hundreds ? A. When she shows her want of wisdom by taking a husband. Q. Ought such a person to be bullied by her ‘‘ Lord and Master ?’”’ A. Of course she ought—the silly thing ! Q. In spite of this, what is the first duty of every wt Beca Lady should have th . Lo propose. use 8 ve the right of cheutltg between single Casasodinses and married e. Q. Were a Bill passed to carry out this idea, would it increase the number of marriages ? f course it would not. Q. Why wouldn’t it ? A. Because it wouldn’t. Q. Then why should such a Bill be passed ? A. For the very best and most conclusive of Ladies’ reasons—because it ought to be ! > MEMORABLE DEPARTURE. Tue Obituary of last week records the exit from Life’s stage, in advanced of one of the most meritorious Actors that oueteel! ir Row.anp Ht ; a performer of the first class among those who perform uses. It has w been well suggested that his earthly relics should rest in Westminster Abbey. In the meanwhile, his survivors will please themselves in contemplating the Essential Self ne of the greatest benefactors to his country and to the civilised world that it ever produced, as now inbabit- ing an abode among the band of departed worthies who in ly were and saints, and bards of the “ Inventas aut qui vitam excoluere per artes.” Sa invention, ceils, of Ole Seoul eneas the sump of genius for organisation inven in spite cyopeition, cuentas in outing exten ot eoteee cheap postage which has been one of the chiefest addi- rity FRIVOLITY OF OUTWARD SHOW, “T Fee. sure THIs HAT’s NOT BROAD ENOUGH IN THE BRIM, AUNT Jemima !”’ ‘*WHAT DOES IT MATTER, CattpD! Loox aT mE! I Put on ayyruine!/” SERIOUS DOUBTS OF SCIENCE. (A Soliloquy by a Training-College Tutor.) THERE Need go from their Congress, that crew of free-thinking Philosophers they Whose Cosmogony, naughty as new, and Biology, lead men astray ! Poor Apologists feeble, in vain, Faith and Science to reconcile try. r Truth’s clear language away they explain when appearances give it the lie. Ah, there seem firm foundations, no doubt, for the falsehoods those heretics hold, The Geologists, they who make out that this world is tremendously old. That the Sun, Moon, and Stars had their birth at no certain time, so long ago; And that Man was in being on Earth ages ere we believe that we know. True, the link ’twixt the Ape and Mankind they confide in remains to be found ; But ere long they ’1l that evidence find, in the drift or elsewhere, I’ll be bound. The delusion will then be complete, so that, when it has blinded their eyes, They ’ll embrace and hold fast the deceit that Man’s real descent was a rise. Ay, and Science has wonders, in sooth, of what sort, if their nature were known / Lo, those fossils, a simular tooth, like enough, or a counterfeit bone. Look, e’en skeletons whole and entire, in museums the Sages have pt, Which their minds with wild errors inspire—Mastodon, Megatherium, what not ?— | | | Lying wonders and signs were to come. Have they not come, whilst men never | ow, fad deceived them all round, save but some, and almost even those chosen few ? | suspect, and incline to believe, ves and steamers a snare, — And photography feigned to deceive, a device of the Princedom of Air. Electricity, too, with its light, and its quick-as- t word-flashing wire ! Ha, and Science, by flying a kite, has it not from on high drawn down fire? The Deceiver, w wiles to escape will be possible barely for me, May be Science in bodily shape ; some Professor, perhaps ; which is he ? | ;

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serremper 6, 1879. FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. (Tarap Seeres.— Scuwer.) CHAPTER III. on at a moment's notice, is to sa “tom tha ah awa from here, I am al imtoodueed to oi - siswt er bath’ co RU Gls eee ean eats @ anes any account. We pay visits, and see gapends ond maguiieret heaps. No matter where I go, th the ki t matter where frei, pr a eb : - possible intentions ‘to grounds, and, always confidentially, with a sort of implied compliment that this is a treat they wouldn’t trouble themselves to give — vines, oe say, * oe’ ioe hove you one Pie hing t a little while after, ‘‘ There! do you see spire-looki ing in the distance?” “Yes.” “W , that’s Buaws’s Mcnument.” Nobody thinks much of anyone’s place if it doesn’t command a view of Ben Lomond or the Monument, or both. As for the latter, it is like the Crystal Palace—there is no getting out of sight of it ; and unlike Ben, it almost defies the variations of haziness. The Isle of Arran comes next in the list, but as an object of i io net, co to apenk, CORR coveral ailies of either Ben onument. interest or T After a week of it, when anyone comes up to me mysteriously and wishes to toke my arm in 9 confidential magne Ww to a distant part of t - here! Is it an e grounds, I at once and bold} , say to him, ™ hont tes Lemond. oc. URNS’s a Monument? Because if it is, i’ve seen ’em both, and know all about ’em.” I am becoming callous. I can’t be caught even by an excited in a trap—I should say I can’t be caught in a trap by an excited I driving i otranger | mean as we are driving in a suddenly, ‘Oh, look!” I never turn my head. simply, but firmly, reply, “I know. Lomond, or It won’t do with me. shake i I’m not to be taken in. Catch a weasel asleep, and show him Buuns’s Monument ! More luncheon and tennis-parties, The itality is delightful. Everyone lunches and dines with everyone invitations are flying about right and left. As a visitor I uite at home. Better than merely ‘at home,” as if I ome I shouldn't be doing this. The conversation is general, and on the turn-and-turn-about principle. Those who are not tennis discuss those who are, and so each party has its innings play and talk. Highly instructive. myself were at is ae _“ From information I receive” I gather that no one who hasn’t sixty thousand a year can live in —or, at least, in this part of it. At this present moment the united fortunes of the four sets lawn-tennis amount to, as far as I ean compute, abou engaged in five millions. A monthly account of the residents im this fortunate | ment. Py em Macmilitonaire’ - * ine. am introduced to a yo —Miss Fzrevson, of Arkiltree. 1 mean that it sounds like" Avkiltree,” though I should be, and am, possied Rew te apall it I notice everybody is Somebody mewhere, and that Semebody of Somewhere invariably speaks wi a sort of contemptuous pity of a Somebody of Somewhere Else eo wi who happens to possess the same name, You are either The Somebod of Somewhere, or 4 Somebody of Somewhere, or, with a sudden an startling drop, The Nobody of Nowhere. Additional Note—that most of the names are pronounced either as if the person spe were cracking a nut and talking at the same time, or trying to struggle against being choked, or suddenly interrupted by a sneeze. **She’s a millionairess,” whispers Captain MacponaLp to me, alluding to Miss Ferevson of Arkiltree, and cogempanying the information with a friendly nudge and a wink, evidently im ying, **Go in, and win.” Neither of us can go in and win, but him for the hint, which was well intended. We chat. Have I been here before? No, I’ve not. DoI play tennis? Only alittle. Don’t I think it very nice having this seat on a bank so as to see the games going on below? Ido. It is an excellent position. It is beautiful weather for lawn-tennis, isn’t it? It is: charming. I sappose Miss Ferouson plays a great deal? Oh, yes. She often comes over here, too. It’s a nice drive, and such a beautiful place. is. “Yes,” she says, and suddenly rises. I follow her example, being under the impression that she is inclined for a téte-d-téte stroll in the grounds. No; she is shading her eyes with her folded fan, and is, 1 fancy, watching the game. ** Yes,”’ she exclaims, ‘* you can!” “What?” I ask, looking about. ** You can see Ben Lomond from here.” . Then she resumes her seat. I believe there’s a conspiracy to show me Ben Lomond. I ask her if Buxns’s Monument is visible. Dangerous ground. She doesn’t like my tone in alluding to Burns. If I had been “going in to win,” ing to Captain Macpona.p’s advice, this remark would have settled my haggis—so to with a little local colour. iss Ferouson of Arkiltree takes her turn at lawn-tennis. I talk to Captain Macponap of Monteith—I think it’s ‘‘ Monteith ”— at all events, it sounds like some “‘ teeth” or other—whotepudiates | all connection with the Macponatps of Drumrick—and I am ona wrong ground again. However, we pull together, so to speak, on the subject of a gentle tonic composed of one part brandy to three of soda, and we enter the house. Our hostess, at whose wee we are spending the afternoon, in- vites me to view the orchids. Charming! id urs, and fantastic, elf-like forms. They remind me of ms fairy pictures of Dicky Dortz’s, where the little tiny atomies are riding on petals, and playing hide-and-seek in the flowers. Wonderful for a transformation scene by Mr. Bevertey. We on to another house—tropical plants. Am I fond of flowers? . She supposes I often visit the Botanical in London? Rarely: but I will. The hostess learns that there is a prize for Landscape Gardening believe there is. ‘‘It is quite an art,” she adds. ‘‘ It was a very clever landscape-gardener who planned this part of the grounds, and chose this spot for the Tropical House.” ‘‘ Excellent,” I say, and am about to enlarge on the luxury of being able suddenly to he | change, as it were, from Scotland to India without taking more a soa of steps, when she interrupts me with— ** Yes, isn’t it? And so clever, too, to keep Scotland before you while you sit under an Indian palm!’ an, m’t quite see how he has accomplished this,” I say, deferen- " No ?” She rejoins, highly pleased, ‘‘ You wouldn’t at first, but if you look between these two large plants which form a sort of frame, you ’ll see—there—you see it now—that’s Ben Lomond!” And she is triumphant. I don’t like to ask anything about the Monument—Buxrnws’s, I mean. I subside. This Ben is becoming to me a sort of pantomime mountain perpetually exclaiming, ‘‘ Here we are !? ALLIsow says he’ll drive me home by a different route, through some lovely scenery. I stipulate that if Ben Lomond or the Monu- ment is visible, neither shall be pointed out to me. amg ing thee, Promising t. Mist vely evening drive. sunse’ 4 ALLIson is silent about Ben and the Monument, but back on the Isle of Arran, which is just visible in the distance. end We trot on, enjoying everything in the balmy air and delicious ce. ** Fine day to-morrow?” I ask. Avutson shakes his head. He is uncertain. Why? “Well,” he says, “ you can see Ben Lomond so Dearly to-night ; and, if you look——” No, no! I’m haggis’d if I do! I know what’s coming. ‘If I look, I shall see Burws’s Monu- No, no! Drive, on, Macduff! Captain Macpona.p of Monteith discusses with Attisoy of Dum- fraser the grouse prospects. The latter is afraid ‘‘ the birds will be very wild.” This seems nothing but natural. be monly wild if I were going to be shot at. As @ grouse on the twelfth, I should quote Mr. Tooxz, and say, “ It does make me so wild!’

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Serremper 6, 1879. ] The "that wants to know if I am “‘ going out on the twelfth.” v1 as at porns advised, I have no intention of ‘' staying in” on the tw lf I do ** go out,” I do not think the grouse will have much cause for alarm. They certainly need not be wild if they only know I am coming. ‘augzeen informs us that he has had some excellent accounts from the moors. [Money 2% Thou ad Stock Exchange).—Better accounts from Moors Thoughts on 5 Bang ‘Tennia by Somebody who’s ‘‘ not so young as he was,” and who is no longer a rac: ALAS ellow.—Forty ’s the deuce. Fifty’ s the deuce and all. At ’s still “* = #5. to you,” you re lucky—or forty-nate. At hy the game ’s . (Put these own on retiring to rest, and call them, instead of Young’s Night Thoughts, which were very heavy, Young's Night-Light houghts.) Happy Thought on seeing a Young Lady forcibly return a ball just over the net, before it had touched the ground— ‘* When lovely woman stoops to volley” I don't know the remainder of the quotation, but supplement it wi ——

What can her male opponent do ?] Before retiring to rest, take up Writram Hurgrern Martocn’s book, Is Life worth Living ? t would the grouse answer to this on the twelfth? Don’t think much of Huxzey, don’t think much of Dr. L pa ...» think less and less of an any - Le jeu ne vaut pas la chande ° . » out, out, brief candle . Plan for a, tae Lomond and Bugws’s Monument in the , immediate] breakfast. and Burns rather hazy. ident] been out all night. We drive over ‘oe he Sem ae itia, or vice versd. Past of tho pensive & Chat Se Tesraen one te ride a gortain dictanss t full ¥ = shoot on sis Horses, hoot on thet Lg Aa aaa 5 <a = Fadl sao, Toon souls Teen sine ato tymmendony pece I get hold of a/ F military man, and ask him what they ’re do a wt one cortain-—in fast, at first he is unable to sce if 1e doing any- Salus annaate lass in his eye, when he informs rma me th t enemy are supposed to be advancing from the right, and he adds, are manceuvring. ‘ mancuvring ” appears te me to the simple process of away as fast as they can lay legs to the ground, in the direction the left, when the enemy are only posed to be ad from the right. I don’t like te opinion, as a cvilian, badly t the military man by my at but this maneeuvring a) pd as how to run away when *scoming. It’s what I should do myself, I’ve no doubt, in the enemys coming but I shouldn’t require an practice. Still, it’s a bos gabe retreat is masterly.” to take a tonic. There isa good deal of dust, a great mall of ralph, spencer, « rf 3 ae towhich we make a masterl yap des every oa or a Eaiove that the day's festi Ra] festv © with a c procession in honour pex There’s always cunething going on oh in honour of Dinners in commemoration of Buaees bi Breakfasts with the same object. A great Cheese Show for the be t of the Burns Statue at Kilbannock. Grand Cantest given by the MacDougal ruses Se mapas © erecting a statue of Burns on the first vacant opot. . * . This mornin nsdeines cb eaidiiidneall 0 ches Gattive Whe Pl mem suddenly says, * Would y ou like to—— “ See Ben’ Lomond ?” I at onee interrupt him. eed he — * it ’s——"” onument ?” I say immediately. 1‘ I’m sure it’s one I’m right. Tt ’s the other. going to unveil a statue to-day, and 7am O’ Shanter and Johnie will be in full force. Ne Sutor ultra crepidam. Don’t let Souter Johnie take more than he can . He can just tak’ a wee drappie i’ th’ ee, but he munna be a aye x=: drinkin’. Yes, by all means let’s go and unveil a statue. “ A chield’samang A c, We nae Johnie, Tam O’ Shanter, and the

A Definition. (Suggested by a Suvi Schopenhauer, and Mallock.) Wyas ts Lite? Mine Pol have sonnet agree, a poor Sciolist @ guess ; Tis a A try vee moteL vane ©, And in a Sell—with an 8 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 101 |

PARTRIGGS To CARTRIDGE. ov copper-headed son of a gun! you grinning caper aey Dow?t think your , looks @ me feel. the least it You’re "just blank - cart- coz, the French- man says, trcs- che, fa like to mash your paper body into papier- maché ! Why you should want to viddie = ’s an unfathomable puzzle! What call have you in my opens SF eed your ugly 2 muzzle ? Koh walt think shame of P

On rap Sieh oeny fen De Lo carp pebdl ary but Fe ee Tite in ttmers’ Bis hep ae trate, Dut your Number it’s a twister! A fowl has feelings, and to play with them, whate’er you say, Sir, , | Is nothing less, it Ue shema to ho, than whet fou call foul play, Sir. e| My young — ** cheep,” though dear to me, you hold as something Your guns Phould carry widows’ caps, for Sor, make me a weeper. if I had time, I’d fire away in ‘cobaih renga ; But you’re not worth my powder, pot I’m ey stay longer !

SPEECH BY A DISTINGUISHED STATESMAN. Iw the course of an address delivered, the other day, in the Biology Section of the British pecosiation, Dr. Pre Surru animadverted on a avd of Rage epee who, Goren not Camere quadrupeds, object Sheeocheen of t phy ar to the ithe nett of fof hipeds eo doe = om 0 ey not exact my H particularised f the kind that was ie envagh to make [clio o deciesdien, which the Doctor quoted as “ Bo little do real a statesman once as soon leg cu’ by a man who had on cetade kas teats, o2'by ene che kad” walked An articulate bra & Degtorry in lace, or a Bottom in excelsis, ve le think Ly. any! pik plas asinine utterance could have been = distingyiohed ! Do we still enjoy the advantage of ? His principal d of his statesmanship . prety one imagines, qa acquired by tin ap hl the difference between formal knowledge and assured me that he would what he called his hospitals.’ ”’ inquiry more - - . Pre Sire added to! mouth, , which, name tesman to transpire, woul were 0 | 7. assuredly earn him the rep of a no less

A Good Word for a Weed. As Mr. Granstonr, the other day, s the Hawarden tural ew ac observed, Mr. Bapern, in his Cottage Gardening, has - y ~deserihed 6 wood on 0 tht and 6 othe Therefore, of here it has no business, and cour, eve ean et So qa ee as possible, le, be taken up. A POLICY OF NEGATION. Wuat is Nihilism? Nothing can be i + A determination to destroy everything, and put Nothing in its place.

we

pan pstemrys ease

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| | day might

M. Atpert Mritarp, of the truthful series of articles entitled nearly every possible “illusion” connected with a Albion,” Mr. Punch feels that a ninth have dealt, admirably, with perhaps the greatest illusion of all. Im fact, so strongly does Mr. Punch feel this, that, for the sake ot completing an accurate picture of London for the benefit of his Pari- sian friends, he takes upon himself the responsibility of finishing off the series appropriately, as_follows. > >. > I had missed the train, and there was | nothing left to me | but to pass one more

day in this kennel of ffilth, which Frenchmen by courtesy style Lon- dres. But how to spend it? A noble- man from Soho Square determined the question for me. ss You will,” he said, “‘go and see the one great man whom your Paris, beautiful and par- | ticular, salutes with | the kiss of res | I know the ct. uke CaMBRIGR, and have influence with M. le Prince de Gattes, and Sir Henpensow. It is a difficult matter, but I will seoure you the permit.” It is impossible to —— the English nobleman. Though he wears evening dress with a tall hat —_ —- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _CHARIVARI.

(Serrmanen 6, 1879,

ONE DAY MORE. 4 rif it Jours a Londres,” di describe the room. emblems. Over the door is a , having, in his graphic and orse-guard-blue, a hundred an led playing a national jig. Opposi dious ere is a sliding roof. ite are

and white kid gloves | - before the breakfast, he is bru- tal and dangerous. “Come,” he add- ed, “‘ here is one of the vehicles of the Coaching Man’s Club. Lejeune Lio- POLE is driving, and | there are five sport- Dukes on the banc auz couteauz, but it has the licence to | carry thirteen in- side. Letusmount.” > — >. We now. are cation. it is bran it is a terrible si This is “ British p But we are in | a. OP the great personage at last. Let me like an un arrived The sentinels are which Beefeaters, the soldiers and thries, raving appallingly in the last stages a hour of | \ Gi | oe r - a. =t “ye © .) evs se KS And. <<" Nk eset ie Dea " df ° = | “INVITATION A LA VALSE.” Sir Pwedewick. Fair American. | Kwees « pit!” “ May I—a—HAVE THE PLEasvRE!” ‘Wat, I pon’r minp iF I po TAKE THE CREASES OUT OF MY gloves and a tall hat. | peo ae let us watch jn fr ls

| | | | |

of the City, in twos him are lying about Of frenzied ed intoxi- “ter int that hat dono thn, a ao ae anew insulted, yet feebly erying for more ‘ pA I to wonder tha that this hel and so is the Grand Staircase on| My guide tells me that this is his habit every covered with mud, trodden under foot, h ;”’ but I feel no surprise. to myself, * ao oot days’ experience of th of this terrible people am standing e the helpless ad ye of gold lace and rags | claimed sack of potatoes, is the great It is of colossal proportions, and is pernerer with Coue-ies, ay = lanterns, advertising placards, and barbaric grllery containing the band of An fifty soene, | pS full “eo up. This is to let escape —y on of continual _ Orgy. It is horri- ble, but itis English and convenient. And | the surroundings? | Here, in the cur- | ner, piled in savage confusion, are boat- ing oars,'maces, cric- quette-bats, coach- man’s whips, and official costumes. On the rug are a * pacque”’ of boule- dogues sawing te in the remains o huge tureen of turtle-soupe. Their lord and master has finished his ‘‘ lunch- ing,” and has thrown it to them with a terrible oath. And what of him ? My Guide intro- duces us. He has on top-boots with spurs, a military breastplate, and is covered with paste diamonds. On seein him one is remind instinctively of the British aristocrat. Then one notices that he has on white kid

This tells that he springs from the him. He rises and 8 a silver goblet por- scalding con- tents, and treading on faces of his Beefeaters as he descends, that he has emptied it seve- ral times already. We follow in | the yng ah e 8 and is lying ing helplessly Pe e + An nage us goes over then another. A A"toliceman passes indifferently. No one seems to notice him. This is the characteristic of England, thatevery- one looks out = onl Lmtiad Ey I survey everyone, Mansion- Ouse, an in the gutter, aire!’

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Sei reser 6, 1879. | A CRUMB OF COMFORT. Jonaruan. “THEY DU SAY WE SENT YOU THIS DARN’D WEATHER! DONT KNOW ’BOUT THAT! || i ANYHOW, I GUESS WE’LL SEND YOU THE CORN!!” Fanwer Bout. “ THANK’EE KINDLY, JONATHAN, BUT I’D RATHER HA’ DONE WITHOUT BOTH!!!” ——-

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Sepremper 6, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 105

A CRUMB OF COMFORT. (Cordially administered. ) InTERLOCUTORS— The Sympathetic Mr. Punch and the Sorely-tried "British Farmer. British Farmer. A Cramb of Comfort, eh? Well, Mr. P., The Crumb’s a precious little one—for me. Mr. Punch, I fear you're right, friend. British Farmer. Glad you’re of my mind. Your cuts at me sometimes haye not been kind. Mr. Punch. But always fair. British Farmer. umph! The wrong way per" ve rubbed me, The public, as a pam od! rule, have dubbed m A most inveterate grumbler, cause or none. I don’t grudge wags their little bit o’ fun, om now I pepe they Il own I’ve some excuse or Mr. Punch. " Yes. But grambling ’ 8 little use ! Better look round, take stock of your position, With a keen eye to bettering, your: condition British Farmer. Look round ? ons a . cheerless sight ; Swamped fields, ales harvest s est spall by 8 8 spite. There never was such they pons ne I read it in the Times myself to-day,— This year our grain, two-thirds of it ‘at a Must come vy: al fo countries, west or east. Cold comfort the fore oe say those blessed Yanks Send us this weather that has rat such pranks Pula. poor old England. Mr. P t’s a joke, me Selene. But Raat and lots of it, tha re sure to send British Sat "Well, that’s no x Mg for me. - 0; Mr. Pu anaries are less than full, May thank Free that he has free command Of the lush harvest of another land. And howsoe’er we grumble, or poke fun, _, All Britons’ interests at last are one. British warmer. But what am I to do? Mr. Pune You ’ve read, no doubt, a he fgars an and the facts of Zuicke - Prour? tion there. British Farmer. I don’t quite see—— Mr. Punch. I dare say not, just yet, but bide a wee. wd brains and sympat etic are at work m the task we may no longer shirk, squaring agriculture with the need Of a new time. British Farmer. I hope they may succeed. Mr. Punch. Science and sense must come to labour’s aid. We've not seen the last issue of Free Trade. You funk it still, I fear, but by-and-by Its further application you ayy after a And find the endl Meee ehile the the pineh i is sharp. British + mae Mr. Pune The comfort ’s small PT ds _ To present trouble. Look at yonder field ! that —~ on ruddy sheaves ! but Jonn Butt, Granted ; and it grieves The heart of Bout, and of his Mentor,—me, So sad and ruinous a pom lw ge to and care hil Wet can't be endlons. high fk next ye (Left making the best of it.

A DRAPER’S MYSTERY. Tue following extract from the advertising columns of a certain newspaper, presents an obvious parallel to a 6 pretty passage in one of the most elegant, graceful, and imaginative of SusxsezaRe’s plays— RAPERS.—E. §——, Eastbourne, wishes to EXCHANGE SONS with another draper. as bane ts'tho benines 13 Cobian " To similar effect, conversely, with the above advertisement, Celia RFs apg Ty = " ™ **O my poor Rosatin»! whither wilt thou go? Wilt thou change fathers? I will give thee mine.”

The correspondence, in thought, between the two foregoin examples of authorship, as it suggests a comparison of E. 8. with W. 5., implies, perhaps, on = of E. 8. a degree of culture and ideality considerably draper’s average. At the same time his pro oxshange of offspring, addressed to the trade, seems indicate ce of quite a peculiar ae hitherto unknown department in a s business.

HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. (Being a Dickens of a Dickey the use of Visitors to the VIL - SERVICE Leg — wyee oa ally ie ony- Shere din te L02- don. Of course the Customer himself must be equally civil, jo Noa bet he for- feits his privi- leges. At the ‘ eusronen, She Customer meets the Civil Service Doork. » _ who imm y holds Civil radiant Seiten * Delighted to see yeu, looking so Sir, or Me om or Miss. Pray don’t step oné in ay told. Allow And the Civil Customer will smile and bow, and say, ‘‘ Thank you | so much!” or “A million thanks!” or ‘Oh, you are quite too | awfully polite.” To which the Doorkeeper will reply, ‘“‘ Oh, don’t mention it!” And so you, if you be the Customer, pass in. The rest of the business is conducted on the same polite principles of Civil Service. * Would J58 have the goodness to inform me how much a pound that bacon is? ‘* Might I trespass on you to know the exact price of half a half- penny y pee acket of ordinary pins? ” ich the Civil Servant will reply. ; A 1 have the extreme pleasure to Bion ou that the article in question will come to exactly one farthing. I make you up 4 packet of that size? With the greatest Seeulkle pleasure. Permit ie fo carry it for you to the doo.” Then the Ci ustomers to one another at the pay-desk : 7 bees he excuse my remarking, my dear Madam, that I have waiting here for some time.” for presenting myself sty 44% you a thousand pardons before yeu, but, n t— }- that you did not seem to ite your purse ready, I though t it give you more time to prepare yourself if I were to take your place at the desk.” To the Clerks in the pay-place : “*T should be so ex y obliged if, when you have quite ished your conversation one another—but not before—oh, not ~ the ) ag hae !—you would g give me some of your valuable time and valuable attention.’ «Civil Servioe customers have toe supplied wth i of which care must be taken in Jan The cold w affects serine j RY feet, it is said that” “< Ail tickets a in Feb- extra sence tase it to a doctor’s, wrap it up, a and if teal zobwaasy, iti fe for another year. CLEOBATEA'S NEEDLE” Eeooted op the Thames Han t y Professor Exasmus Witsom athe tianad tonnes y. The Uschines.Pechape thie eiste advertisement tie for WuxELER 4xD Wrusom's Sewing Machines. or statement is needless cB y yt yt Tt A friend din ‘Neal I es eet re ee i eas b (vide Colney Wa tas iche of Wire, Vent this somaplotes the ost near ioalage pee Threade of = CORCHING CLUBS.— Associations of h various exams. A at Caammen’s, Regent Street. y Coaches, Navy Indian Civil Service Coaches, Uni-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serremper 6, 1879, “VIVISECTION!” Melancholy Barber (with a soul above his business). ‘‘ 1 Don’T GET MUCH OF A Livin’ By rT, Sin!” Customer (through the lather). EXNoUGH—FoR IT!!” versity Couches, and Slow Coaches. They are generally “fall inside,” 1 0 cul “hed and To! ‘all right.” Motto of Club, “* ms COAL EXCHANGE.—A most useful establishment when any- thing can be exchanged for coals. Some years “the Coal Hole” was a Cave of Harmony in the Strand, like Cider Cellars in Maiden Lane. Information on the subject can be obtained at the Coal Exchange from the damsel at the bar, whose attachment to a handsome coal-heaver has been celebrated in the well-known song, which she herself used to sing with much taste and pathos :— Heaver ! of thee I'm sadly thinking! Thy gentle voice my spirits shall cheer. Thine was the eye at me always winking Over the pint pot containing the beer. It is well worth visiting the Coal Exchange merely to hear this beautiful ballad. 4 s THE COCOA TREE.—In St. James’s Street. Well worth a visit. Entrance free as far as the Hall Porter’s desk. Be always te to this ype ne that any one who is ‘* Hail orter” can’t be a Lend-helf cart cf © chap. When there, apply to him, and, for a small fee, he will give you a full and inte- resting account of the milk in the Cocoa-nut, though as yet modern science has not been able to explain the raison d’étre of the hair out- side. Here all — are played for Cocoa-nuts, and the Members travel about to the various races with a large supply of this nutri- tious fruit, as prizes for successful competitors at Aunt Sally and the sticks. The Coooa Tree Club is a most thriving establishment. _COLDBATH-FIELDS.—The name speaks for itself. Here the tired Londoner can pl and be invigorated. The fresh stream is supplied from the Bagnigge-wells. The Cockneys say * waters from the Se eran 70e Sez gulag up the ills.” COLLEGE OF ARMS.—Ask to see the Head. COMMISSIONNAIRES.—All non-commissioned officers, who, retirement, receive their commissions from the public. Their head- quarters used to be Sergeants’ Inn. i ‘*TagN—YOU OUGHT—FOR YOU SCRAPE—HARD JUPITER PLUVIUS. (A Jovial Old Gentleman gushes.) Now, my Girls, come get on your goloshes, And your wa' trusty array ; You Boys, too, in your spruce mackintoshes : And away to the meadow, away ! Never mind, though the turf all a squash is, Spite of rain, at Lawn Tennis go play! Hop off ; Ill hobble on, and my leisure Awhile, under shelter, employ In watching your qune ; I take pleasure In Youth’s laughter, high spirits, and joy ; Which enliven me, too, in a measure, I forget not I once was a boy. SAINT PARTRIDGE AND SAINT SWITHIN. Tue celebration of the Feast of St. Partridge, which fell due on the Ist instant, had this year to be gene- rally, if not universally, ed owing to the lateness of the est yet to come, if, indeed, the weather will allow of.any. ‘This unseasonable and uncanonical put- off has been necessitated by the continual rain, of which the downpour, now of so long duration, is popularly ascribed to the animosity of St. Swithin. But is that imputation sustainable? Can it be ible that St. Swithin owes St. Partridge a grudge, which he is payin him off, being actuated towards him with such spite an ill-will as to be capable of causing the seapeenent of his Festival by deferring his day, apparently sine die? Is that the way in which one Saint can be imagined behaving to another? Can sweet St. Partridge be con- ceived to have soured St. Swithin, offended him, made him angry ? Do Saints in the present circumstances and situation of St. Swithin still remain subject to vindic- tive and violent wrath? Tantene animis ceelestibus ire? No, no. The Saint who could demean himself to the petty malice a ye the observance of his fellow Saint’s anniversary, would be altogether unworthy of the name he is invoked b , and the nimbus he wears. At the same time it may perhaps truly be said that St. Swithin, for our sins perhaps, been giving us too much of his nimbus. ~~ —— A rrevty Rvrat Dean.—The Dean of Ferns. THE “CHEEP” OF THE PARTRIDGE, Perdiz Cinerea loquitur. ’T1s the voice of the Sportsman. I hear him complain, — “* All my hopes of big bags have been damped by the rain. With birds shy and scarce, flooded furze and no stubble, To beat dripping covers is scarce worth the trouble.” Aha! The wind’s ill that blows nobody goed True the wet has proved fatal to many a brood, Parent birds have made moan over swamped and addled When our covers were lakes in which ducks might have paddled, or partridges D nga em when they ’d scarce chi the shell, fet,—yes, on the whole, ’tis perhaps just as well. Water! Better than fire; and a cold in the head Is not quite so bad as a dose of cold lead. ae time for oy vassals of a em font ! ‘ /hat’s September to them, wi P pot f Oh! won’t they fame, as they look out th morn ? , On these damp furzy swamps, and yon drenched standing corn * Poor grumbli -maniacs! Isn’t it fun? In the game “* Birds v. Barrels” we birds will score one Just for once, I should hope. In this beautiful bog I am safe, I should fan p om mane, gan, and de. They may a few birds on the skirts of the wheat, But I don’t think this cover will pay ’em to beat. St. Partridge be bothered! St. Swithin ’s my Saint, sony Sip canny vale ost, Z shall make no complaint. No! Farmers and Sportsmen may grumble together— For my part, I rather approve of the weather. (Left chuckling.) Cast mx THe Lone Vacation.—Florin v. Halferown.

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September 6, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 107

try, calves, and other denizens of Pre. Going (with umbrellas, shawls, ulsters, vonnaughts, and poe, and to take a look 0 COUNTRY SPORTS AND PASTIMES. poy stoppages en route to inspect rmidable monster the bull, fast bound in his seoure and soli-

waterproofs) to a Floral and Horticultural Show—flowers, fruits, that egetables, _ table v decorations, poul- try, pigeons, rab- pe guinea - pi cats, canaries, - worms, bees, and domestic pets — six miles in a wag- gonette drawn by a horse which has grown obese and lazy through want of work; frequent hills, long and steep, up which the e | occupants of the carriage, one of whom has lost the | slimness of figure | which once adorned — his youth, are ex- to toil on oot; weather showery, ending in | a thunderstorm | which lasts the | whole of the return | jo ; detention at a blacksmith’s, | caused by the horse casting a shoe. Walking on a hot | morning with the | children up a narrow lane, rugged, rutty, hilly, abounding in | large and loose | stones, soil calca- reous, and sticky from recent rain, to | see and enjoy the extensive view town and country | from the summit, to | rest pF on grass, gather speci- | mens of the wild = ad Ly, G \ co; flora of the district. | <= Kod f we View blurred and — Wife \\\\ ¢ = ¥ ——— on by sudden | med MY, Zn ip ; \\ =| = ower, grass too | = \ ge j if Nie = a Ss } j E MAA | ey n . ¥ wet to sit down | . \ 4 ~ ™\, \

upon, collection of — harebells, ox - eyed . daisies, ladies’ fin- i),\ gers, rag robin, i) 1)" pimpernel, speed- well, and other bo- faposaibality: chile impossibility : chil- dren disappointed and fractious, sup- ply of buns inade- quate to demand, youthful tumbles in efforts to gather the wild clematis fes- toaaies i, hedges, ownw: journ “ 9 stickier than yom { MAKE THE BEST OF IT. t relief on reach- ‘‘ Never MIND THE Rat, My Dears. THIS 18 WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH A Sov’-WESTER ne », Southfield AND FisnerMan’s JersEY. AND KOT 80 BAD, AFTER ALL!” arm

P ween the wers, pacing u and down in : Tearem,” ing round and | round the garden, | examining the rain- gauge and barome- ter, watching the | clouds, sauntering | into the farm-yard, looking into the cow-sheds and stables, leaning | valuable informa- | tion from the ob- | | liging bailiff, stroll- ing by the turbid and swollen stream, | | and wishing it was | | in a fit state for fishing ; ultimately retreating into the | dining-room when | the rain again comes drifting and scudding over the | hills, and there, in a easant recess, sitting in the win- dow-seat, and for- getting the weather in the pages of Guy | Mannering or) Keniiworth. Lounging on the | hay in the rick-yard —when it is fine. Lying on the straw in the —when it is wet. The chase—a rat-hunt ! Feeding the poultry. Ordering dinner— to be ready half-an- | hour earlier than | usual, asit may clear | up in the afternoon in time to go and see the flood. Questioning all the oldest and most | experienced autho- | rities in the parish

—on the subject of

Being weighed in company with a party of friends and relations. Result many the weather, and recording in a note-book local proverbs and pounds heavier than you , and more than is consistent | superstitions about rain, wind with ease, comf: and graceful proportions. Jokes, banter, and riting letters, one especially rainbows, and sunsets. faithful retainer in recommendations of ‘* Anti-Fat.” * | charge of your house, to acquaint her that you may return home a © The exact weight of our Contributor has been deposited in a sealed Week sooner than you in d, in ¢ envelope, bearing an appropriate and identifying motto, at the office for Making up your meteoro: diary. future reference.— Ep. Bed, 9°30 P.M. , in consequence of the weather. ing your Will.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serremper 6, 1879, Jere. Th’ parson ee VOICE FROM THE WEST. MeAster zot i’ th’ carner, a- ipe, what th’ varmer t’ goo droo ’s a-got wi’ his erops avore ar'n we Jest zo fur a-pen’d, Metister vrown, he tent wi’ his lot ; > But th’ voke ‘at thete be vor to kip—pon-me-song, ‘tis a puzzle t’ me— there cum t’ me wi’ “ Dree rents must , Gon tbat fl wette down the did crack — . man in Lon’on’s a-zaid. I be n’t goin’ t’ zay—no not I! that I vind any fau’t wi’ lan He’s a-born to high steit:on, an’ zoo he’s a right to all we can jut when I’m a little bit push’d, I do dthink how th’ do Th’ schoolmetsters, sojers, an’ sailors, jails, paupers, | Th’ kippers, th’ yagents, th’ lawyers, all a teikn a pull at oone Whatsoever th’ land may bring forth, noo wonder ’t is all zwoll } Cor. Bravo, Jen! thee’st come a bit roun’ ; but dtheiis lan’lords dost worship Tidden they that do prey on th’ land, but th’ laws ‘at do meiike ’em as such ; Wold faggots o’ ship-skins, an’ wax, ink, an’ | Wi’ entails an’ dowries zo loaded they cou Well! Th’ land, we be twold, must be juggl’d Id But there ’s oone ’at ye both ha’ vorgotten,—seést yonder fat rook i’ th’ vield ? Th’ tithe-rent be zure! ’at both thee ati’ Lord B. ha’ Now, varming can’t carry vower rents '—but I'll tell ’e a tale’ A wheeler by trade was Jonn Juxes, like a ’ ; An’ th’ harder he work’d the modre jolly, wi’ a light purse he'd just pay his way; But oone night he did hit on a plan o’ meiken o’ mouse-traps by steam, An’ straightway sich work did come to un, an’ money like gold in a dream; Zix yoremen Jomn paid t’ look a’ter a parcel o’ j An’ he furnished hisself wi’ a carriage, an’ But bime-by a slackness come roun’, while his spending run on all the same, | An’ om, to his horror, f’un’ out Yankee mouse-traps, dirt-chip, were to Oéne day in his carriage I met un, a-wasted t’ poor -an Zays he, ‘‘ Wrun, do’e gi’e me advice, I’m a-broke if I don’t Zays I, “ Jomn, do’e zell dtheiis vine carri i can do a day’s work ye may still But as for dtheiis fal-lals and follies, ye mid stan’ vor a time such expense Bur TH’ MEAKEN 0’ MOUSE-TRAPs OON’T CAR’ IT!”—Zo there now, ‘at’s JERE SMALLBONE. an "dn’ be dry- wi’ red teape a-tied, free ef they tried ! *d—hoeus-poecus—its dree rents to ourn wide wor all th’ world wi’ his traps: A DISTRICT IN DARKNESS. | Here, extracted from a Manchester paper, is an enigma in the form of an | advertisement, of LEAN comfortable LODGINGS, for a Young Man. Christian preferred. No children. Address, &., Ardwick. The advertiser would or a + 4 a Secularist, or an Agn ' in, anybody of any religion, or no ging-house keeper is clearl i tians to the rest of the pop tion in and about Ardwick above intimation, to be of questionable magnitude ; so much so as to suggest that | brella ways, , w prefer a Christian for a to a Jew, ora ; goa ladon tp 9 Jer ats’ zo : brave ‘un hed work a long day, a : increase an’ police, cra up! Fit , get rid o’ th’ fools holesome ive a good but receive, not to say at all, rather than nobody, Thi The relative of seem, from Ah, when ¥ th’ land.” (Noo wonder P vy Aa "5 , a- t!) “ Th) lab’rer his wages must hev ; an’ th’ landlord Wis rent, twice a year ; An’ th’ varmer hev so’thin’ ¢ live on;” tho’ markets an’ seasons be queer. Jere. About gurt men, I b’lieve, it’s a-zaid, th’ zeime thowts ’ ‘what I da mein, what th’ creep into vorgat ! ve a-maile ; ayy = ” good Christian Ministers of all denominations would find that district an eligible sphere of missionary usefulness. The Bishop of MANCHESTER oy as well perhaps look to it. lf he doesn’t, Stiggins, or local Anti-Bi may. But what is desiderated Christian to understand by ‘No children”? That he mustn’t bring any, or that there are none in the house, and that he is presumed to entertain, in virtue of his religion, some peculiar objection to children? In that case, the party adver- tising for a Christian lodger apparently professes, and contemplates him as professing, some very recently developed form of Christianity. PLAY VERSUS WORK. Nowanays half-a-score of weekly papers indulge their readers with glimpses of scenes from the “‘ private life” of public men. me of these sketches are innocent enough, while others are not so blameless. The latest ys of the list is a series of papers called Workers at Play. Always ready to improve a good idea, Mr. Punch would suggest a companion volume, to be entitled Players at Work. To put the matter in a practical form, he pub- lishes a sample “‘ first number,” which is heartily at the service of the professional ‘‘ biographers ”’ :— MR. HURRY SKURRY LOUNGE IN MUSCLEDOM. Some miles from London exists an old house buried in a forest of trees. A few paces from the principal en- trance is a racecourse, in the back garden there are excellent preserves, and at the end of the lawn a pears a lake well stocked with all sorts of fish. In the county of Loamshire there is not a more convenient country residence. It is night as we enter Mr. Hurry Sxurny Lounce’s sanctum. He is dressed in full evening costume, and nods as we approach him. “* Glad to see you,” he says with a yawn. And we can but admire the muscular development of his finely- shaped throat. e hint that we should like to know how he has been peatiog the last eighteen hours. “* Well, I came here,” he says, taking up a bedroom candlestick, ‘‘ for perfect quiet. After a long London season, one requires rest, don’t you know ?” We agree with him cordially. ** Weil, I was up at a quarter to five this morning,” he continues. ‘‘ 1 wanted to _ a mare I have in training, and didn’t wish to be overlooked by the touts from the sporting papers. So I walked five miles out and five miles in, and got up a very good appetite for breakfast.” a we encourage him with our approval. **'Then some of the girls came to see me, so I had to take in twenty or thirty es of Lawn Tennis. You know that cousins (especially when they belong to the fair sex) will have their way. We were interrupted by 2 gong for luncheon.” “ les ? ’ “Well, the afternoon passed in the usual manner. The North of our county is playing the South at cricket. Our side was in, and at about three o’clock I found it was my turn to go in for a second innings. Knocked about the ball in fine style, Sir, and was not out for seventy-two! It was now too late to do anything very athletic, so I filled up the pause before dressing for dinner with a run of a dozen miles or so on a bicycle.” Again we nodded. ** Well, dinner over, of course we had dancing. You know what a country-house is when it’s full pepple. If I waltzed once, I waltzed a dozen times, and I am precious glad that the hour has arrived for bed.” ** You seem to have had a great deal to do,” we hint. ‘* T question whether I could get through the same amount of work.” **Of course you couldn’t, because you are such a busy fellow. But, you see, J have nothing on earth to do, so I have plenty of time to be lazy!” And with a gigantic yawn, Mr. Hurry Sxveny Lovuwes lights his candle, and retires to rest. Tae Best Tovrtst’s Companion For 1879.—An Um- £@ To Comansrowpawts.— The Bditor does not hold himedf bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contrinutions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by @ stamped and directed envelope. whould be kept

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Serrempen 13, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 109 A chalky-faced creature she were, and she sat by ’erself sapelen Sa lained that OM up she com our mp Suipere, “Seennonelll made ’er feel bad, - , PTILL Keep | 414 could we just sing a bit softer? Oh, snakes! we'd ing the ame the hig old game, up tikes nu «ig chap sod frm bind, and dard "twa while I’m a th : ™~ Jn. , He'd a fist like a , 80 we stashed it, But wasn’t O Life ’s jeot | ee eS A her anahedl cheek ? ’Owsomever we made up in shindy; they can’t quod a hay for a eae , I never did ’ear a rouser ; and as for that impident Carry, d $ She swears if there is a gay dasher, it’s Yours as per ie) IMPENDING EXCHANGES, he tale ; se | aatene an om rom e ular rattler,‘ plearia 5 fi aa freee cy Naa : Hexcursion to Margit, Bay for ington Arcade. my pippin, five bob Eriiegton Canal ddlfagton Canal there and back, don’t yer Pe fon rf Se know. La Grande Chartreuse fot the Charter House, But our party wos quite up-to-| (China for the P Dick,—you’re aweerasZJ never} © for hy a a oe Is and Deal for the Royal Oak. 3 MMM YY Nine on us, five gurls and four} } A ~~ \ AMQY fellers, jest one of the latter too| The Forest of Dean for so hd Road. wet 5 Qs NY YY few Edinburgh for Seotland Y WM ANY WAN . R th ld. di ‘iley for Sheffield. Sy ut they knowed me of old, did The New Forest for Old Bailey. Ms ay er ~~ lot, and they always counts The e of Geneva for Ball’s Pond, ARRY as two Giant’s Causeway for Hall I tell you, old man, ’twas my day. I was never in lovelier form ; laverease tee Seveenas © aeeee And as for the petticuts, Cuartre, I regular took them by storm. Lausanne fer the Owls Cottage Two was told off to me—Liz and Carry—but, bless yer, I fetched ’em all round. Loch Katrine fer Catherine Street Strand. I should make a ’ot Hottoman, Cuakure, Turk style suits me down to the Lombardy for Lombard Street. , ground. Lowater hor Bayswater, We wos off by the earliest train, and ’ad breakfast, a buster, ong root ; Madrid for the “‘ Spaniards” (Hampstead). Cold tea, ’ard biled heggs, and green happles,—you know gurls is nuts upon| Majorca for the Minories. ruit,— Milan for Mile End. Wound up with a nip and a Pickwick. I tell yer it wasn’t arf bad. The Mer de Glace for the C Palace. There is nothing like starting a spree with a good bottom layer, my lad. The Meeting of the Waters for Clapham Junction. eas 4 A é Mont Blane for Snow Hill. We ’adn’t much time by the briny, the weather, as usual, was rummy ; Mont Cenis for the Holborn Viaduct. But the fun on the rode made w that, and our progs was peculiar lummy. Niagara for the Chelsea Waterworks. Tuck in? ’Tain’t the word. If you’d spotted the tea as we nine put away, e Nile for Hall. You’d ’a said that, at ninepence a nut, ’twas a spec as looked ’ardly like pay. North Devon for South Molton Street. , Srimps at Golaers! ’Ow Canny did crunch ’em! No finnicking pecling,—no| Orme’s Head for Orme’s Square. *ARRY ON THE RAIL. Oporto for Cork Street. Heads off, and then bolt, holus-bolus,—that’s bizness! And as for the beer,— | Patterdale for Paddington. Not to name other labels of lotion—well, nines into thirty won’t " ; Poste Restante for the G, P, 0. But put it in pots, my dear boy, and you'll not be far from it, J know. AS sen for hay ot Aa —- Comin’ ’ome was the barney, my bloater! We got in together, us nine ; Ramsgate for Lambeth. ‘ Canry sat on my knee in one corner, there bein’ a rush on the line. Scarborough for the ; Young Green’s concertina was ’andy, Tom Bioce’s a rare dab at the bones, The Seashore for the a If we didn’t raise thunder and tommy, old chap, it’s a caution to Jones. Pate ie Skye pe o J of London. ‘ . oy a Sou rica for Sou’ ensington, We did give it tongue I can tell yer, I didn’t choke off, not a minnit, Stoc And when I bring out | top a? oo railway whistles is simply not in it. Socteen ie T oot We chorus’d and clump’d it to rights ; for a row-de-dow toe-and-heel treat St. Mark’s Venton for Mark Lane. Cap Gee eh ONay Senay aang Sik Cam, Sore ciny Solent The Great ‘Wall of China for the Charing Cross radius. Then the chaff at the Stations! "Twas spiffing! We put some old guys on| W(h)itstable for Whitefriars. Wonderful Alteration. the wax. Do they think when a gent rides by rail he must pass all his time reading tracks ? A fig for sech mumchance old mivyies! I ’ates the ’ole bullion-mo athed breod. When a feller is out on the bristle a jolly good ’ow! does ’im good. From the City, and in attend ot the Confetenee tioned, Times Correspondent as for mngubige! bench A 4 eae may trot 3ae Saree end ~y ; | undermen reports that— 58 on the scoop burk a “ blowed” or a ** blooming” toomuch?] «The quaint and quiet old city of Basle is very lively Yah ! is like tea ; it wants “ lacing” with something a little bit strong, | tac.” he Alliance ie holding its seventh confer. And if it do run to a d now and then, why J don’t fox the wrong. ence Ries see ceaees ” —— IB yell Goapd chew gras, Cont bop. We'll look after our own parts of speech,| This is remarkable. The times are changed. Now an And rap out a hoath now and then without asking a prig on the poateh. Evangelical Assembly im liveliness to the place it is Wot limp ’uns there is in the world! Why, a gurl in our carriage that night | held in; whereas in days it would rather have Pooty nigh did a faint at our fun, and I know it was all nasty spite. rendered it ‘‘ serious,” VOL. LXXVI. L

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serremper 13, 1879. A CONSIDERATION. Sir Charles. CaARLey.” Son and Heir. BORT OF PLACE ; I BELIEVE IT’S A ” * Wei, Sir, I poN’T MIND ; AND THEN IT’S 80 HANDY TO THE AQUARIUM. ‘*] SHOULD LIKE OF ALL THINGS TO SEE YOU IN PARLIAMENT, EXAMINATION PAPERS FOR SCHOOLMASTERS. (To be set by the Boy of the Future.) 1. Waar do you understand by the term ‘“‘ breakfast” ? De you consider a breakfast oe yo without tea, coffee, kidneys, chops, cold meat, potted shrimps, , jam, and hot rolls and butter ? 2. Point out the defects of Mrs. 3's domestic ment at Dotheboys Hall, Yor m3. Define ' “lunch,” and give your ce-cooked meat for advisability of using on meaning of “* come” se stick-jaw 4. Give the : adding, ” and Ty resurrection 2. , o 5. At what hours of ap pet night may a glass of sh -and-bitters be taken with advan P —-, at lun 6. t wines do you give your dinner, and supper 7. Given the kitchen garden in May, and the run of the cruet-stand—make a salad. 8. What do you know about entrées? 9. Write a short biography of either Soyer or Fran- | CATELLI. 10. Explain the uses of ae Sauce, truffles, » and cape garlic, chilli vin ort essay ~en “A little dinner for 11. , Write a | four.’”’ 12. Do you pm | in bread-sau mint-sauce ? 4 do, give as reasons for this be 13. How should coffee be made ? 14. Give the menus of the dinners with which you have \ entertained your boarders every day for the last six . weeks. | 15. Give your the following much- points — (1) Wine at i (2) Ice after ; (3) Sweets at lunch; (4) and Champagne at eurrant-jelly, and y as possible your ion u 16. ind lastly, supposing you supply your pupils | with food that would amply content a gourmet and a gourmand, do you really expect them to be satisfied ? Legislation and Lung-work. How much can “ Parliament. out 3 Session” Help “‘ Agricultural As much, by talk, mere talk, no doubt, As when ’twas in, so now tis out. VERY GOOD MUSIC HALLS FOR THE MILLION. Resrectaste and decorous Reader, fancy the Very Reverend the Dean of WrsTMINSTER omy sitting and listening to popular melodies and — minstrels a Music Hall. Imagine him accompanied by Mr. and Mrs. xx, 4 the Earl and Countess Cowper, Sir Caartes Trevetyay, and the Rev. Canon Dockworta. What would Mrs. Gecnpy say ? Of course, ‘‘ How shocking!” And’Axry? “ Whatalark!” For ’Arry no doubt has information enough to apprehend that gentlemen and ladies of rank and repute, such as those above-named, would be ridiculously unfit to be seen in a haunt of low dissipation, associating with him- self, and allowing their ears to be disgusted if not defiled by the strains of his favourite vocalists, singing the songs which he loves. People, however, not above holding shares in a Music Hall Com- | =~ | are surely quite capable of visiting, -! = frequenting, a Music | a A all - a ae names, and those of no yay om eight-and-forty other more or less gui personages, appear in a Prospectus, as the members of a “‘ Provisional Council,” at rat the head of a Joint Stock Company lately formed to promote the esta lishment of Music Halls. But now for what "ARRY, perhaps, will term a “sell!” The Music Halls which those “‘ Swells” and ‘* Nobs” (as he would call them) propose to supply will not be establishments in which rope could obtain B. and §., for example. At least he could onl served with the S. without the B. They will be Temperance ts Halls. Their designers are incorporated by the name of ‘‘ The ( ‘offee Music Hall Company, , Limited.” This Association professes that ‘its object is nightly recreation for the working and lower middle classes, freed from the elements of intoxicating drink, and its accompanying evils.” So the Coffee Music Hall be purely | and literally a Café chantant. Unacquainted with this statement, it would be another “‘ sell” for *Arry to be apprised that, regarding music as a recreation peculiarly —_—_— suitable, after a hard day’s work, for persons in the condition of the masses :— “ This Company will provide for such persons an entertainment to which any man may take his wife and daughters, or even allow his wife and daughters to go by themselves.” No such entertainment, of course, would ’Arry presence—not if he knew it. The recreation woul perhaps be even tronise with his more out of his way than the refreshment. Amongst the names on the Council of the *‘ Coffee Music Hall Company” appear those of Sir Jutrvs Bewxpicr, and Mr. and Mrs. German Rep. These are xm 4 guarantees for the music of the contemplated Coffee Music , in addition to Be other names ; | for the words that will be sung to it. The Promoters of the Coffee Mare Hall Com 5 having ev: cal ad that tng Music Halls ad ~ — ony , i commer- | Cl tion, acco y invite or p Nad an made the Directors thro Peg Messrs. Hoarz. | therefore, 1 is an a 2 Yo a good work, and also a equally good investment ; of reaping a re b- | stead of, as too commonly, incurring the unpleasant draw self- sacrifice, i in being money out of pocket. so many securities also A FRENCH TRANSLATION. In the department of the Hautes Alpes there is a place which bears the more ayy gt epirg | well-known local name of Gap. This Gap in The Journal ule See i the Hig ae on announced Mgr. GuiLsext, Bishop of Gap, to the vacant see Not to suggest a comparison which not odious, and without intending any venerable Prelate, it may nevertheless be tL offence—that Mgr. GuILBERT, now that ho has been tn

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¢ fl ms aap y nr . , “ WES WAN ag FORBEARANCE. Young Lady. *‘ JoHN, HOW LONG SHALL YOU BE, AS I WANT TO PRACTISE !”’ Gallant Young Gardener. “ On, Goo Yrouw ox, Miss Amy—coo yEouw on! I sHa’n’T MIND YAR Nore!” Gap to Amiens, occupies a position in which he cannot but a little remind one of Bottom the Weaver with the donkey’s head on, to whom Peter Quince, in the Midsummer Night's Dream, exclaims, “ Bless thee, Bottom ! bless thee! thou art translated!” Only, if anybody has pronounced a benediction on Bishop GurILBert, it is Lzo THE THIRTEENTH, and no such personage as Peter Quince. The Journal Offciel further states that the Abbé Rocue is to succeed Monsignor GuiLsert in the see of Gap. In that case it is to be hoped that M. Rocuez will prove a creditable stop-gap. HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. (Being a Dickens of a een, the use of Visitors to the lect, dirtiest, brightest, dullest, beaaifules Seastlioet place fa ail a est in = The road round the feist telee qeneeiy simes tn- passible, is invariably chosen by cabmen whose fares are in a hurry cheotest updte teams Mest to West, or oice coved. ‘The email of morning must be most exhilarating to i pavement is, for the most part, tastefully strewn with 1, cabbage- and flower- i i the pedestrian all the excitement of ice on ; i a F vt Fa Tm Ee a old friend, for ’twas SHIRLEY ge rt oo of itasay ”—of ** dear old Marx "’—wi t white waistcoat, at their head, were wont to congre- gate and discuss the affairs of the nation. Floreat Bedford! And oh if the Duke would but have the Market, or a part of it, moved elsewhere, or make some improvements there, then would we bless the Duke of Beprorp, as we do his Grace of ArnGYLt! CRICKET.—Chiefly associated in London with ‘‘ on the hearth.”’ But if the question asked ‘* Where on hearth shall we go for cricket ?”’ the answer will be ‘* Lords,’’ as preferable to ‘‘ Commons,” which are Dyn! such a distance from town. The great games are at Lord’s, but there is also the Oval, Kenni m, where they carry on their little games just aswell. At the Oval neither the University nor Public School Matches have been played ; when this happens, it will be an oval proceeding—which, as a pun, is quite too ovally shocking! Admission, as a member, to Lord’s is by bailot cricket ballot, of course ; and a certain age being an essential quali- fication, the candidate must not be past mark of mouth, which is certified by the dentist in attendance, who draws your stumps, if necessary. THE CRITERION. — Familiarly abbreviated as ‘‘The Cri.” Usually the Full Cri. The refreshment department is Messrs. Sprers AND Ponn’s, which puggeste an excellent idea of co-operative ualities—the sharpness of Srzars and the depth of Ponp. The ormer’s advice to the barmaids is, ‘‘ Look after the Pence, and the Ponds li look after themselves.” CRYSTAL PALACE.—One of the finest sites about London. Latterly the Show has not been equal to the Site. The visitor to London wishing to see the Crystal Palace, can do so with advantage to his pocket from Piccadilly, opposite the Green Park. If it is a fine day, he will enjoy this view, and can easily imagine the rest. The Directors of the C. P. Co. must have felt at times inclined to label it ‘‘ Glass—with care.” CUSTOMS.—All sorts of peculiar customs in London. Visitors from the country and foreigners have only to call at the Customs House, where, on payment of a small fee, they will be duly in- structed. Lessons from ten to four. Tue Proper Piace vor THe Cutters’ Frast.—The Edgeware Road.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serremser 13, 1879, THE WASHED-OUT TENNIS-PLAYERS. A Reminiscence of the Rain.) (Chorus.)}—** Wa'a® ALL THE WAY FROM BELGRAVIAH, AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! WE pow’T KNOW WHAT TO DO-0-00! WE von’T KNOW WHAT TO DO-0-000! We’re ovr or PLAY, AND WE’RE WILLING TO PLay—suT WE’VE GoT NO PLAY TO Do!” THE AGE OF MUPTI; OR, WHAT IT OUGHT TO COME TO. ** His Majesty met the Ozan to-day at the little Russian border town of Alexandrawo.’'— Times Berlin Correspondent. An event like the above naturally fills the European atmosphere with many rumours. ese, however, Mr. Punch has never been in the habit of regarding either with very much interest or satisfac- tion. What august senagen when they meet, do say, or are sup- posed to say, strikes him as ar less gratifying than what they ought to say. He, therefore, supplies the deficiency on present occa- sion, in the shape of the following dramatic sketch, a couple o copies of which he has already ——— to Alexandrawo, in the hope that it may be found useful and suggestive on the next. Scunz—A Railway Platform at a small border Town. An August Nephew, surround a brillant Suite, discovered wasting the arrwai of a Train. nter, from a salvo Unele, followed by a distai d August Uncle. Well met, my Nephew. (They embrace.) And thanks, in the name of the t Fatherland, for this ial recep- tion. gee the heroic Popingi kintsky t, of which, | believe, I am the honorary Corteral, lines the ticket-office. i —'tis thus——(Refers to his af wp pel course: ’t in the » guarantees, at the cannon’s mouth, the perpetuity of those principles of the barrack- ssigusl Nopheve, Quite on. Bet if you wouldn't mind steppin ephew. 80. ‘ou + the refreshment counter,—I skther wanted to ask ae 1 —_—— August Uncle. Of course ;-if I am going to make you a Drum- Major of the 39th Dragoons of the Line. Iam. See, nels is the full- m carriage, an August dress uniform, drum and all, in the luggage-van ; and I mean to add, if I can find room for them on your breast, the Star of the Order of the Blue Hyzna (third class), and the Grand Cross of the Iron Side- board of Prussia. You seem full; but,—ah! the very thing. Here is a vacant spot on the side of your neck. Pins them on. August Nephew (bowing). Thanks. But if you would have the goodness to step this way ? (They retire to the Refreshment Counter.) And, now that we can talk freely, I must tell you, worthy Uncle, fr: y and at once, that I have had enough of all this foolery. August Uncle. Foolery? But you surpriseme! What—doesn’t it fit comfortably in the back ? August Nephew. Nay, do not misunderstand me. attacki res I am not the tailor, but the system. Why should you, a hoary and veteran, and I, an elderly gentleman,—for I ‘m getting om, ourselves out, on every possible oceasion, in trappings which, if they are anything more than a bit of vulgar idiotic display, imply distinctly that we are both of us, belted, spurred, and armed, as representatives of two mighty military hosts, ready to rush headlong to carnage on the first battle-field that offers. at August Uncle (interested). Dear me, there is something in . Eh ?—Well, as far as I am personally concerned, you know, I would go about in an Ulster to-morrow. But my govet I must, you see, think of them. Believe me, my August , it is the military vapouring of the nation that forces the ruler on to the horse’s back. August Nephew. Worthy, but misguided Unele, I, would put it rather thus: It is the military tailoring of the ruler that crushes the = un “ —_— —¥~ not, th f opinion that cutting off August Uncle, you are en, 0' ou the flower of the nation from productive labour, inducing the - nation of trade, and exciting revolution at home and Srenee al is, on the w y rote the prone fe beens ve ghly re- spectable military family and sleeping in epaulettes ? : August Nephew. Well, no, dear Uncle; to be frank with you, I am not.

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PUNCH, OR

0, ae \ ’ @ \ aN “—_ ~ <a “THE FLESH-POTS.” ‘‘]’m VERY SORRY TO HEAR, Mrs. Brown, THAT YOU WERE I HAVE The Parson. PRESENT, LAST Nie@ut, AT A ‘ PiyMoUTH Breraren’s’ Tsa-Meetive. OFTEN TOLD YOU THAT THESE DOCTRINES ARE HIGHLY BRRONEOUS |!” Mrs. Brown. * Erron’ovus, Sir, THEIR DocrRINEs MAY BE; BUT THEIR CAKE, WITH SuLTANY RaisINs, 18 ‘EXCELLENT !”” August Uncle. Well, well, boy,—you shall have your little whim. Eh} P A general disarmament ? There—t say no more about it. I will tell Brs- MARCK to wire - nee to oth and a8 Viens, and the thing ’s done. August Ni prompt and worthy Uncle—a thousand thanks! Ah 4 ow - pee t is to wear three breast-plates night and day, rea } Bere your soup tepid, throngh a LP iron filter ! August le (confidentially). My boy, I y both laugh heartily.) And now to gh -- the new era. Caaving the Refreshment Counter.) Gentlemen, you may to ‘your Plough shares, your bureaux, your counters, your coal-mines, and your children! All (with enthusiasm), Impossible! It is scarce seventeen years that we have parted from these trifles, and we are all as yet a ag — the right side of seven-and-forty! We repeat, onee more, ly, ible!” August Nephew. No, my triends—not so. Hen seth t e Romanoff and the Hichensties will each cultivate not the but the coal traditions of his house. Sor mo os for a surprise! We have each ordered our first evening suit. To-morrow becomes a vast ‘‘ At home.” August Uncle (taking | his hand), Yes, my boy,—millions cannot conveniently cross trontiers in dancing boots and evening dress. Cheer, Gentlemen, for the age Pao Mufti has commenced, hey gradually remove each other’s decorations as the Curtain descends.

Hard Lines in Hives, Freep your Bees. If ph Fog don’t, they won’t survive the winter. They have not made honey enough to last them ee Secueh it. b- little busy Bee that is when it can be, has, o to bad weather, been to remain idle, and was unable improve the ~ dt 2% the was “of fy" Bose in — says a eeper seseneting” in imes, r keepers whic insects he informs them that— at prefer loaf-sugar for feeding, but the best refined moist will answer equally Still it may be imagined that, as food for Bees, loaf-sugar would be ob senect Elen to your teced. . ™ ives r

THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

WORDS WITHOUT SONGS. My “ye ae, Se, aii, 4 HAVE very mu a correspond- ence that has recently ap in the columna o of one of your contemporaries about the scarcity of good En songs. I donot think that the matter has recei treatment. It has been of the ot that we have no dF. asa matter of fact, the not the musicians fault. Some one has he has rod th ht to say it immedia ay) " a a Bd 8 we and anyone pag the music. wt deny sear. we sho af ta is, Under circumatances, I in rushing oa te the i aig of ee Pe They want article in great * Why imens. a at should we knockers, oa PPAR ewe eere taken as a the a domestie use, yA. THE SOUND ess. have e in constant my dong,”’ pes ong. not tales suggest cocmiousfin an tae? The Tin Soldier pene areas sppensed to me to germ of a notion. I have knocked off a quaint (of which below I give the first vanes), which Tf I fr ly admit is founded upon this fable. I call THE IMPECUNIOUS WARRIOR. Came a penniless hero dancin, To the place where Love was lancing A vumber of darts very bold, dear | « My belle I feign would be ringing My beau aan while I’m sin And this was the son am told, dear. “Din a din, din a What is .ove without tie, My poor little light-hearted soldier ?"’ But perhaps the most touching song in my portfolio is one which deals with the life Pry a well-known type of London Society. The mother with a daughter to marry is a ny ~ that t mee the sternest heart te pity. I eall the little poem I this unhappy lady THE ae MATOH-GIRL, It was terrib! in the alll Bhe was fearf: yea take had hoot have written about if ‘ur been sitting And he the much- __ There! I think this last idea si charming ; and Com: only come to the dearth pride my- Les y original, We have had nothing Believe me, dear Mr, J tg yours sineerely, Avotio Junior. Butterfly Gardens (late Grub Street),

Tue Deara Srrome to Ant in THE East.—A knock- down blow on the Temple.

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ss PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Seprempze 13, 1879. | | | | | 4 . yl ri via “ye wy VA f (W ’ ™ f a7) Sail oN . vf } —— " % ——_—. = = —— ==> — ~—s, __— —_——_ NEW SYSTEM OF EDUCATION. First Mamma. “1 see THAT Your CuILpren PappLs.” Second Mamma, “ Yes. Don’r yours?” First Mamma. “‘ No; 1’vE MANAGED TO MAKE MY THREE Boys BELIEVE THAT IT IS VULGAR AND UNGENTLEMANLY EITHER TO GET THEIR Feet Wer, Ok SIT IN A THOROUGH DRavGaT, OR BOLT THEIR Foop, on EAT GOODIES BETWEEN THEIR MEALS, OR GO TO Jvuveniie Parties, poor Deans. THEY ’RE RATHER SOFT, PERHAPS, BUT THEY ’RE TWICE THE SIZE OF ANY OTHER Boys OF THEIR AGE, AND THEY ’VE NEVER HAD AN HOUR’s ILLNESS IN THEIR LIVES.”’ He might have ’scaped had he not scorned my hints. BETWEEN THE ACTS. The pince is old. the réle is not the rage, ‘ ie bees But there have been revivals that eclipsed Pion-Pion loquitur : The origi ; JZ oe te - ori performance. Is’t so sure Han! “One man in his time plays many parts, The present play will ran much ? Ah! So saith the English SHaxsrearr, doth he not ? A were now my chance! Where could they look Meaning—no matter ! Preachers stretch their text For one to fill Ais part, save here? Tis true Ofttimes beyond its first ficance I have pooh-poohed it times and oft, have sworn For special ane y not I ? : The Stage were well if once well swept of it. I have played many parts, nor played them ill, But what said shrewd Nav gay huskster-horo ? ough mostly minor ones, alas! But now, ** Paris is worth a mass!” And, after all, What if poor Prow-Pion, much derided ‘‘ Pro.”, The part, as J should play it, would appear Mere General Utility Man, sometimes A new creation, and entrance the house Esteemed the veriest Canes should at last, From gods to groundlings. All the Tatma swells Though late yet not too late, possess a chance / Within this breast! I’d as Hercules! Aha! It likes me well, right well, i’ faith. God Mars himself! tho that might rouse rude mirth Methinks that I could star it with the best, Amidst mine enemies. I must dissemble Would they but let me. B-r-r-r! A little longer—but—a time may come!!! And boast acelf! Y n the [Left dissembling. So bravely mounted, booted, , and With sempent charger, and with flying ¢ Country Talk ‘‘by the Card.” : , fet him afoot “Here’s a tolerablish chaainge o’ weather fur the better,” said lip for lip, forelock for forelock. Corrpow, “come at last. Notwi’standun the wet zummer, I The Ladies swear I "ms like him. line for line. e we be gwiun to ha’ zummut likea bit of a harvust aater : And why not ict for triumph for triumph * eo f~ 1 thee holler,” answered Turnsis, “‘ afoor thee bist out o po - : e . FL phy mpeg = ye pers, “Out of the ’ood, dost thee say?” retorted the other husband- Welcomed by a full house. Ah! shall it be ? man. “Nas, mate. Thee mane’st out o’ the waater. His part indeed ’s a little out of fashion, Less popular, perchance, than when he played it : ‘ . Damned by its last performer, who at | Werep Srsrens. — Phylloxera Vastatrix, Potato Blight, and Was hissed from off the Stage, a dénoilment Colorado Beetle.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Sepremper 13, 1879. M. Pron-Prow (‘‘ General Utility”). ““I’M SURE_I CAN PLAY THE PART—IF THEY ’LL LET ME. I ONLY WAN! THE COSTUME!” | ' | | BETWEEN THE ACTS. | I

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SerremBer 13, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 117

FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. (Turrp Sextes.—ScmMeER.) Cuaprer IV. A Ceremony-—Untimely Jest—Commencement— Cake as Wine— Struggles — Honour of Burns — Bell — Funereal — ies — Spirit—The Trades— Genius— Private Character 11 oces- stonists — Outlaws — Costume —Souter — Tam — Ceremonial — Reading — Speeches — Masonic — Band — Interruptions — Member— Oration— oy concluded, The We are full of Buaws. Buaws’s Monument is in the distance, and inside it is es Patna, as thou h t ey raid of hie catehin cold. ¢, He is to un- ‘ veiled to-day. Of course some- body says that “he hopes eevering will come off at the first pull, so that there may be no . un-a-vailing efforts.” But somebody is frowned down as this is no joking | ri matter, Everyone talks of Burws. As we drive along to the town we le, bonnie lassies, FE their chields pens t Buns, rocession of at the onour Bawith difficulty we enter the Town-Hall. It is crowded. There is open house for everybody, and everybody appears to be taking adgentage af of it, in honour of Burns. On the are cakes of all sorts and sizes peincipally of the sponge Kind, quite new, canary yellow inside, and ght brown with- out. Fresh’ and filling. Everyone is , taking one gure body is explai ung pvergthing 1 ¢ to every pes y else, an full of Burns es 07 So much cake, and such AM cakes, I nave @ saw. en a =. appears, which happens every five minutes, there is an immediate rush for it by every one in its poy oy vicinity. At first I withdraw in order to allow the elders neoweres, that I am losin eo ss any sustenance for another three or ashing descent on a waiter with a cake, Tama aT and I intoveny t the onpnyes that are into the front room. aiter makes a Paint show of ut yields, and I retire with the spoil, of b xe) . ae only time to take a modest slice, before it has been demolish ious one Placed on a tale by strangling wate il me ke on a ta y a strugg waiter, ppears in no time. It has bee: unced upon by Town Councillors in black | dressed visitors, Everyone has a glass of something of cake in the other. The gf couan uri brandy, or port—the spirits, of course, wi is Sates thove wad be Burns on every TIS aren ete na te fact enguert the potion of 0 Sanerel, wipeut the saves 908 w is something too, in the idea all this festive Rawk Ty aA Gsceet lee * Come to bury Casan, not to praise him.” Sudden] deep-toned bell takes to tolling a at regular in‘ A Whether this is vob yg hf fe ees ene Gan une suggestive Reta tay ty gy {arenas Retite, 3, 6 supgens ahees Se Burws is that everyone apologises for him. His genius is G taken for the | in connection with by er politeness, yf

pueated, and ae alluded to, but the shortcomings of his ponvate ife seem to.demand excuses. Burns undoubtedly sented the spirit of the people, and | Se egnerenien- If they have ridden from Sherwood Forest, | pity em _—— are two low comedians, from some theatrical company, as Tam O'Shanter and Souter Johnie from whom great things ss are expected, bu but wbe con and look very much they pony ishing their make-up to their own stage, and oe on, come ~~ as a sort of Saeed which oun fren ond bed 5m com We all from which the vast crowd is . y ropes and rails, Senshoiie something to — ing to him. These that the six feet in who, in return, reads 80 ly 4 private concerned Official-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Sepremper 13, 1879. lungs hard at or are with diffi them, when they subside sulkily. And now we are ready for the “Masonic Cha; whic a little late, and being rather more than usually out of place. quite close to the Chapl ear what he is sa and the twenty-nine houcand aie = as. hand u > eyiag to ull the covering off the Statue. Then the band i i where it left off. Once mo ‘ellow !” or whatever the “‘ Masonic Anthem,” of a very ro Tae, with Hrram of Tyre as conductor of the ense cheering. io contenlell energy. More cheering, led by the Then the Member of Parliament, ar a aie of tay yards to the farthest point. If he the majority of the spectators the entertainment is @ sort of open-air | processionists,—I rather fancy it’s the bold, outlaw, keep hidden until the proper moment, when he is to be produced as a | accompanied by their band, the 4 of coup de ae Pyhich is intended to take the as | what dater! with. This ds with on Guster che & ahewd telliee ced, they ll see it all in the pa’ = Soc aa at wo sutupn 0 the tata ay nr may ram the ot ts L ei » et Statue is still covered up, as if the family were ou as fo yaad, of town. Then comes a cry in the vernacular, “Up wi’ the 1”— | and meaning tient exclamation to the poor player, “‘ Leave off thy mistaking the signal, and striking up a tune closely pening me sa Jolly Good Fellow: /” which, in any sogromty be considered an enti’ ¢ devotional air The band, having their ome firmly fixed on their music, and their the bie a culty silenced, ex he poe drum and cymbals, w avi into a itered corner under the steps, where ignorance of roe is their bliss, keep it up between them in fine style, until they are absolutely collared y the infuriated conductor, and the tune shaken out of He raises his hand and delivers a Masonic i in which there are a few sly hits at Burws’s private life, with an apology for his , considering the occasion, strikes me as coming However, only about twenty people, + whom I happen to be one, other undred and eighty le, about and below, are perhaps under the impression that the gen with his is called ay Se again, and reluctantly re-commences were asked the “* Old Hundredth,” ond i they oe resumed © e’sa pw hme icking ha description, mi as have Samm, But I suppose the Masons know best, and doubtless Y possess some authoritative tradition for ‘‘ He’s a Jolly Good Fellow | /” having been played on the opening of Solomon’s orchestra, he Member of ; erliament, wy hy KO . entirely visible to the pulls a string, and down comes caly the Statue, bet aomoboly who had bees Kiting behind Statue, and who now slips down hurriedly and hurts himself. not the Then the Provost and the officials crush themselves into as small a space as ible, in order to show the Member of Parliament to the le w, and to get well out of ron of any consequences of olding ¢ on tigh with the grip of a drowning man to the stone parapet i in front of waves his _ arm aloft, sways himself to and fro, and with acansios pitches his voice so as to be distinetly heard—well, say within LAWN-TENNIS COSTUME. ope ~~ tyre joes ’m a acon He ewe Aig mer under ; e exertion, and seems actually to perspire through his roe (Designed by Mr. Punch.) coat. From those straight in front of him, and from the fugleman’s ===> immediate followers, he receives the rofoundest attention, but the he doing ?” “What's going on now?” are general. The Ladies | outsiders have already begun “all the fun of the fair,” and the above, near the Statue, smile on everybody, and to interest and trades want to be home in, and out of these festive } ant ay in the proceedings by guessing at what it all means. To as soon as possible. Actuated y this ~~? one dy he of bo played at by the Provost, the Town Councillors, and | and party, still pay anxious as to the durability of their pink somebody on a chair. fleshings,—sets the example, and their band strikes up a noble march The mysterious personage who has taken the chair, not as a formal | just as the Member of Parliament is making one of a , but because he really wanted to sit down, i is the Member | This disconcerts him only for a second or two, but the ex of Parliament, whom the officials on the are doing their best to | commenced, =, as no set of a move off except ony 0 proceedings is some- much b —— as does the a sing which the conjuror in the| The oration on, interesting to those who, being close at hand onto an orange. He is the trump-card of th the Festival pack: and so jammed up that they can’t get away, have nothing left for his eloquence is to be like the brilliant bouquet of fireworks w it but to cheer loudly at ore vs which they think is likely brings to a splendid climax a oo ot Co Se See He is kept to be the finish of the speech, while those not personally known to the back not to be caught sight sake hand but = pomemeenany J excellent Member, or who are not directly under his eye, are looking —— —> he| about to discover the shortest, easiest, and quietest way of esca ond wet y to comforting themselves for what (heen be may lose, by remembering t in his discourse, and wander to such an extent that| Only just in time, for already the whiskey has begun to tell ona we may never see him again great number of those, who, sc —- Burns’s memory, have At right moment the sitting M.P. eae Be peeee Se Se considerably impaired their own ; people, when an en c¢ fugleman gives or a cheer,| Zam o’ Shanter and Bouter Johnie 1 see before me,—two genuine which signal other fuglemen below obey and - The rectit successors of Zam and Johnie, with more than a wee drappie in a hearty cheer from at least five hundred out thousand, Ee cathy helplessly “ fou,” but on driving them- 6 en Se saalee being still in a state of as to ves home in a , but which, to begin wi they can’t even what ’s ha iihink thet ‘must have , as stim. The landlord and his are equal to the occasion, and what they have come to see is the Un Statue, wling hte ght at ABe B~7- bye * Raise the Curtain!” and equivalent to Hi empty two- stable, where they can "ie like pigs, as they A are, in the di i straw, till they recover their senses, murmuring to faces, and begin ! ’’—which rather disturbs the of the officials, | themselves, mon’s a mon for a’ that.” and testifies to the growing i ot the nahin Taking The festivities will be kept up, I am informed, until a late hour in the hint, proceed to cutting short several other | honour of the Rantin’ Roaring Rovin’ Boy Roscw BURRS. One of persons with ae these celebrations is . “Never wi y Rost.” an air of deeply offended importance. Back to ALLIson’s thus ends a Nicht wi’ Burns, but a Now silence is demanded for a pra by the Masonic Cha .| Day wi’ him. And, in the words of the bern songster, “‘ What a The demand is at once complied With bythe F Freemason’s day we’ve been having.’

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— Serremper 13, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ti, / Yr NG . Cy Lig, a *;. . Ip Th mh *: Te 5 FT al sf WIR, » “ONE TOUCH OF NATURE.” (George has promised his Ethel the first shot, for luck! A covey rises /) Ethel (at the critical moment), ‘Ou, Gonos! Perw#Aps THEY TOO HAVE Lovgep!” —— THE ABLUTION OF SMOKE ? Hore has a bad character for being addicted to telling Settesing tales. Is one of them the recently published promise that there is about to be an end of all those execrable nuisances, the ugly, black smoke-belching, sky-begriming tall chimneys ? Is it really true that a Mr. Jounson, Manager of Mr. Beavmont’s Works in Northumberland, has invented flues and machinery by means of which smoke can actually be washed clear of soot and noxious gases, its remainder, after purification, being merely harm- es aoe escaping and mingling with the atmosphere sweet and ¢ Can it be that this invention has not only been op but put to the f; tried, and found to answer in several “‘ plants,” and, parti ly, on a large scale, at the Engineering Works of Messrs. GoopreLLow, Hyde? If successful experimenters pro bono publico, as well as for their own OODFELLOW are to be accounted among the best of fellows. Has fact demonstrated the truth of the statement that the various products said to be washed out of the smoke can be collected and utilised, so as to become remunerative? In that case, what an improvement, for manufacturers, on any contrivance for enabling them to consume their own smoke are arrangements of which the operation may be described as ex fumo dare lucrum ! Doubtless gery Ieee Manufacturer in his senses would rather € than let it poison the air, if he was quite sure its purification would be less expensive than its waste. ise, he would be unworthy of the name of a British Manufacturer. _ What a blessing both for all who benefit, and for everybody that is i by smoke and will the devices alleged to have been for the ablution of the latter from the former, and therewith the abatement of stench also, prove, should found to be not only practicable but also table, and, notwith- of eff a ae 2 f tt if app or process of smoke- not itse turn out to be all smoke! be | thing at all in a name, be supposed ROUGHING IT ON THE RIGI. (Extra page for the Tourists Companion, ) CoNVERSATION oN A KuLm. PR a is scarcely comfortable accommodation in this room for irteen. We would rather sleep inside the hotel than in the lake. Are you the proprietor, or the coalheaver ? Why do you hit me with a ruler on the cheek, the eye, the neck, | the calves, the cuffs, and the breast bone ? Is that the hair of my friends that you have in both your hands? | Do not throw those gentlemen over a precipice. Could you oblige me with a bandage, a yard of sticking-plaister, a | warm bath and a doctor ? | Are these assailants in white neckties brigands in evening dress? | Wh Is an Oxford Celebrity or a portmanteau leaving the hotel | mg f the window ? . I have not seen the new direct route to Arth, over head-and-heel« down the mountain side, which you undertake to show me, alluded | to in Murray. Ah, here is the litter, the medical man, materials for making my will, a solicitors, and a return ticket. does the M.P. cry ‘‘ Murder!” ? Specialty of a Public School. Or whatever description may be the sorts of Food wont to be vided for the body, as also for the mind, of Youth in the ity | of Publie Schools, there is one, at least, of those seats of ing— | app Senenieg— at whieh Bo very Sal Sees ae Dees to be supplied to the scholars ; , namely, of course, Eton College. “Nor pevore tae Bor” (for £150 a year).—Mutton he can’t eat.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE TWO IDEALS. LaDy, primly fair, appeared to me ; Moon-eyed, and mild, and pulpy- — "ore err we “wr be é é ‘es } / Ss The other, its attenuate fingers spread With careful symmetry, upbore her head, _ Which drooped like that of one with woe nigh dead. Her waist, strait-einctured, was of sylph-like s1ze ; The curved lashes of her almond eyes ‘ Were of a length that filled me with surprise. It seemed one might have hung his hat thereon. In all that dainty frame of aught like bone Or solid sinew outward sign was none. She seemed a thing composed of pulp and pap, From her small head, with its coquettish cap, To the limp digits drooping o’er her lap. Meseemed that I before had somewhere seen This moon-eyed maid of melancholic mien, But knew not when or where it mote have en. ** Who art thou, languorous lady ?” I inquired. *“* And art thou moribund, or merely tired ? ”’ Said she, “* I once was very much admired. “ But men—ah, me! the false and fickle race !— Have to utter coarseness, lost all trace Of love for genuine Della Cruscan grace, ** Albums and Books of Beauty once enshrined My pictured loveliness, genteel, refined ; Bards sang sweet praise of me to every wind. ‘“* Alas! the limners limn, the lyrists sing A new Ideal now, and throng to bring Gifts to its shrine. Behold the Hideous Thing!” Instant I turned, and lo! another Dame, Attired in wreathéd robe of ruddy flame, Through the mysterious shadows slowly came. mouthed was she ; Sloping shoulders, slim exceed- ingly. A studied negligence, a mannered grace, In every turn of form and trait of face, The calmly critical regard might trace, Her tresses hung tangles down, Long, spirally-disposed—a droop- Like poor Ophelia’s, when about e p 8, when to drown. in tendril- Yet there was that about this torrent hair Suggestive of the comb and nightly care ; Porchense curl-papers even, here and there. Unguente those twisted tresses did anoint ; ‘ Each slender finger, innocent of joint, : ; Tenderly tapered to a trim-nailed point. One arm, its elbow resting on a Curved downward with a soft and supple crook, Like pendant willow - branch above a brook. Fulvous she was, with frizzed, flamboyant hair, As of a rufous Jewess in a scare ; Her cheeks were cavernous, her form was spare, Not boneless, like that other’s. One might see Its osseous framework, fashioned curiously, And study its searce-veiled anatomy. She stood as one from whom each garment slips, Limp, with a hinge-like flexure at the hips, Drooping and pendulous of lids and lips. Her eyes were hollow, dusk, like fires outburned, And to the earth in hopeless languor turned, As they for restful death and darkness yearned. Forlorn, and faint, and fatefully foredone, Satiate of all delight beneath the sun, As sick of passion, as unfit for fun. Only some hint of fierceness subtly stole From eyes that — the tigress in her soul, Hands weak of all but will, for blade and bowl. ** Who art thou, sombre shape ?” low queried I. Whereto she answered with a windy sigh, **T am the last Ideal set on high ! “In the esthetic cult there is not ace, More than one Idol at one time to place, Now Mediaval Gloom, now Modish Grace. “ Yon figment of factitious fancy led Fools of the Finden era. She is sped. Zsthetic Beauty—J—reign in her stead.” Then broke a shaft of sunshine soft and warm, And lit the twilight that lent strongest arm To Morbid Passion, Meretricious Charm. Seen ma woe beaaet ~~) en tain did show— ‘o-da 8s - ncess. ot ion: Foie Mieiows, aid alike 2 ite toa, tee, Saat. Go sy 4 Gaectan.— Reourrectio; évdetacs, Resurrection pie ; a-nasty-sis pie. [Serremper 13, 1879. BIGOTRY AND BEGGING. At a special meeting reported, says the Post, to have Leen lately held, in the prospect of a bad harvest, at Newington Free Church, Edinburgh— “ The Rev. Dr. Broo, in addressing the meeting, expressed his conviction that the unseasonable weather was a judgment on account of national sins, among which he enumerated infide- lity, the encouragement of Roman Catholicism by Government, the re- lations which this country maintained with foreign countries, Sabbath- breaking, and profane swearing.”’ Dr. Bree, then, if the foregoin are really his words, is edavinsel that the late rains were owing to the agency of . yoo power, and not that of natural causes. He regards them as miraculous and believes that a succession of miracles, consisting in the phe- nomena of storms of rain, and wind, and thunder and aang. has been in course of performance for several months past on ac- cunt, among other — ane, of the encouragement y Government to Roman Catho- licism. In the same way, Ultra- montane Brees, or ogues to Bree as to intelligence, have ascribed sundry calamities to the destruction of t ning ey Pope- dom. Of course, the diverse Brees are equally certain of the truth of their tive asser- tions, and alike know nothing whatever about it. The Brees on both sides beg the aie they affirm by a tremendous as- sumption for which the only ex- cuse that can conceivably be pleaded is intellectual beggary. MR. PUNCH’S BAG FOR SEPTEMBER. One Sea Serpent. Forty-seven gigantic berries. Half a dozen showers of living Frogs. Seventy-nine changes of the weather, Sixty-one cases of Wife-beating in low life. Sixty-two cases of Husband- deserting in high life. Twelve reports of Cholera in 7 e hundred and fifty-four indignant denials of the same. Three silly Pieces. Four hundred and seventy-six stupid Novels. wo hundred thousand nine hundred and eighty-four point- less Jokes, Twelve tons and a half of super- fluous ence. One hundred and five ‘‘ Shunt- ~~ accidents. oa complaints about the Post ce. One hundred complaints about the Temple. A thousand complaints about Hotel charges. A million complaints about everything else. And—a Partridge! Goose- £@ To' Ongesroxpests.— The Bddor does not hold himself bouad to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, samped and directed eneclope, Copres show ld be kept. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by @

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Serremper 20, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 121

_— + =

= SUNDAY SWEETNESS AND LI = = “respect to the observance = hours, — lowing short and sweet who go to hear it must not be di comic operas, of dance music, of the taste of ’Axry, and congenial to frivolity and foolish minds, limited to that particular description of noble and lovely music Nevertheless, bravo, Reverend Bastt ! Truly, the better observance of Sunday is on Sunday mornings. Some persons require to and ablution a suitable preparative for divine service. For something to be said against it. Audi alteram partem. Hear gentleman of a name at least singularly suitable to the subject of de and a logician as well asa

GHT. Y friends, one ounce of inted with it if they find it exclusive of selections from usie-Hall music, and of all music es It will, perhaps, even be specifically. called sacred, ’ f progressing. The Town Council of Belfast have | at last, after long contention, decided on opening petite ths and wash-houses for three hours told that cleanliness is next to godliness, é proposal to allow Belfast to wash and be clean before going to church, was stoutly o > lor instanee, a reverend I ; bate, the Rev. Dr. Warts —and would not his pee >. Warrs the Greater, a native, by the a and a divine, have very much applaud BERFORCE has done there in the matter of Sunday bands? Hear Dr. Warrs the Less, before | the Belfast Town Council. In introducing an anti-Sunday-baths-and-wash-houses depu- tation, Dr. Warts argued at length against the necessity of bathing on the Sabbath, and in particular — ing to the Northern Whig—made the following avowal : ** Now, he did not see why it was necessary to open pubiic baths on the Sabbath morning; it was not necessary for a man to bath himeelf eve morning. There were other days of the wee than the Sabbath on which baths could be had. Aman who got a bath twice a week was not badly off. He would not occupy the time of the Corpo- ration any longer.” In like manner reasoned other speakers in the subsequent discussion. In particular a Mr. MacGeaau averred that ** He held, if they went on in this way, they would have the Continental system before they knew what they were about. He himself had a bath in his own house, hot and cold, and since he was born he never took a bath on the Sabbath Day. (Laughter.) To take a bath on the Sab- bath morning he would look upon asa very wreng and improper thing, and he did not sympathise with those gentlemen that did. (Laughter, and cries of ‘Vote!’) He was sorry also that the parks were open on the Sabbath Day.’’ Does the reli of Mr. MacGracu allow him to wash his hands on a Sunday ? What is the utmost extent to which it compels him to abjure cleanliness? Of course he and Dr. Warts, and the rest of the Sunday unwashed Sabbatarians, have the consistency of their opinions. Not one of them cooks, or has covked for him any food whatsoever on arm d ; they each and all eat their meals cold, and, since carving is work, they limit themselves to meat that requires none, and to dry bread, because it is quite sufficient to sustain life without butter, which necessitates the labour of spreading. If any one of those objectors to Sunday washing does not like- wise go the whole hog 4n respect of eating and drinking, what a hypocrite and a humbug he must be ! example, we all know, is worth a pound of pre- cept. The Rector of St. Mary’s, Southampton— heir of a large name— has set not only his pa- rishioners but his pro- fession a pattern with of Sunday out of Church Witness the fol- extract from the Times : “Sunpay Bawps.—Ca- non Basit WILBERFORCE has allowed the use of St. Mary's Rectory grounds, Southampton, nest Sun- day, for the performance of the Sunday afternoon Of course the music to be performed on Canon Wrserrorce’s premi- ses on Sundays will be usic of a suitable sort. better the day, the better the music. People ially adapted to ple in And there was b e, of Southampton, what Canon Wr1-

“TS LIFE WORTH LIVING?” Wuew you are changed at oye birth by your foster-mother, and have to be contented with the status of a costermonger when in reality you are the son of a Peer ? When you are the “‘ good boy” of the family, and yet by a cruel arrangement of your brothers and sisters, get all the blame for their mischief and none of the credit for your own virtuous deeds ? When you are sent toa public school where you are fagged and neglected, or to a private establishment where you are starved and ulli When you go tothe University, join a third-rate College. belong to a slow set, alles poems to be called a ‘‘ Squill,” yet are ploughed for Smalls When, loving from your childhood up the profession of arms with all your heart and soul, you find yourself forced < | ees to accept a family living somewhere or other in Cumberland ? en, naturally fond of retirement and much addicted to writing ious tracts for , you are compelled by the desires of your ather to accept & in a crack Cavalry regiment, where bear-baiting is the rule and a quiet five minutes the exception ? When, loving one young y with everlasting devotion, you find that by some you have married her not too amiable nor too beautiful sister ? When, having taken a house in town, you discover that it lies too low, is too for you, and that your wife insists upon living in the country ? When, having taken a house in the country, you discover that it stands too high, is too large for you, and that your wife insists upon living in town ? When, as a lawyer, you can’t get clients, as a doctor lose all your patients, or 17 an author see your novels “‘ slated,” and hear your pieces _ When (most melancholy fate of all), finding yourself on a desert island or on the top of the North Pole, you subdeal realise the fact that in such a locality it will be next to imspooniide to secure the current number of h?

SKELETONS IN THE CITY. Tue Standard, in a paragraph under the heading of ‘ Human Remains in the Cit .” reco discovery made the other day by some excavators while digging a hole in Cannon Street, of a number of human skeletons entire, overlying a quantity of loose bones, and states, in addition, that— * Portions of an old pump, bearing date 1638, have also been found near the same spot."’ An old Pump! The remains of an old Pump—whose were they ? The poor old Pump might have been a Common Councilman, might he not? or a Macebearer; or a Swordbearer ; or a Kemembrancer ; or a Sheriff; or an Alderman; or even a Lord Mayor? Where be your feasts now? your turtle, your venison’? your dishes of every- thing that anybody could wish to sit before? Now get you to the City Chamberlain, and tell him that let him be never such a jolly old brick, to this favour he must come; make him laugh at that! The remains of a Pump! An old Pump! A poor old Pump that shall never more raise water. Ah, well!

The Sole Reason. Ir has been noticed that executioners in England are invariably volunteers from the craft of shoe . This is not so very asto- nishing when it is remembered that cobblers would naturally have May, e partiality for people who decided “to die in their te!

A CHARITY FOR QUIETISTS. Tue operation of the Charity Organisation Society may be excel- lent in its way ; but is there not also room for agency of a Charity Disorganisation Society, to be established for the purpose of dis- organising the barrel organ-grinders ?

Surerry inv Seasox.—Conching the skies for Cataract.

VOL, LXXVII,

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[Serremper 20,1879 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

AND HIS VICTIMS.” - | z - ive ec = | e = < 168) c o wW x ro

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Sepremper 20, 1879. ] A MODERN SAGA. (With acknowledgments to Professor Long fellow.) Namen like some Viking old! Thy deeds, brave NoRDENSKIOLD, N i hath told, No Saga taught us! Telegram brief and terse Did the strange tale rehearse. Worthy of deathless verse The news it brought us! Far in the Northern land Gathered a gallant band, Under f ee guiding hand, wede 8 as sage ; And, with unshrinking heart, For the sixth time e start, To ope to mind and mart The North-East Passage. On, past that Kara Sea, Erst ice-bound mystery, Now to its stout keel free, Slowly yet surely, Eastward the Vega bore Till round that heailland hoar,* Never yet turned before, Sailed she securely. Then, spreading wing, she flew Where, whilst the white whale blew, Laboured her learned crew, Dredging and sounding. True modern Vikings they, Born of our better “y, Finding in bloodless fray Pleasure abounding.> Fighting a dauntless fight ’Gainst Nature's Titan might, inning ic night t for their fellows. and scorning ease, Sure stouter souls than these Ne’er of those northern seas Braved the chill billows. On till with ice-pack close Compassed, and endless snows, They, midst the frozen floes, Fixed winter quarters. Nigh thrice a hundred days, ’Neath a sun’s scant rays, Locked in those icy ways’ White waste of waters ! Many a hunting bout Helped the long winter out, " Peetthoh, wetshgl abt arte noted. Then, that grim season past, Scattered the floes, and fast —- Behring’s Straits at last Safely they floated. Se Courage wins the e! Brave Swede, thy Viking name Ranks on the roll of fame, Northern De Gama! Who shall applause refuse To that Rdciis rales, Told in brief, swift news From Yokohama ? Three hundred years or more, On that far Arctic shore Cry eChelyuskin, or Severo, the northernmost promontory of Asia. THE GENTLE CRAFTSMAN. (?) Trascible Angler (who hasn't had a rise all day). ‘‘ Togne!”—(Throwing his Ny-book into the stream, with a malediction)—“* Takgz Your Cuorce !” POOR NEEDLEMEN ! A very serious discovery has been made public within the last few days, to which we lose no time in a general attention. A letter in the Zimes ascribes ignorance to Inspectors of Elementary Schools—not of dates or decimals, nor of parsing or physical geography, but of an accomplishment which it may surprise a great many well-informed oatels to hear that distinguished Graduates of our Universities, high wranglers, first-class men, Fellows of Colleges, are expected to possess—Needlework! not embroidery or crewels, but plain, unadorned, homely, useful needlework ! rs of Schools), whether married or single, These hardly-used gentlemen (the In whether en or disengaged, are required to examine the needlework done by the children in our elementary schools, the ‘‘ hemming,” the ‘‘ backstitching,” the ‘‘ button-holing,”’ the “* seaming,” the “ whipping,” the ‘‘ herring-boning,” the darning and patching, the cutting- out and making of shirts and frocks and pinafores ; and we are told, as might be expected that they are hardly equal to the obligation ; in fact, to bring forth once more a fine old crusted joke, that their performance of this part of their duty is but so-and-so.

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124 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Sepremper 20, 1879, Great is the commotion in the Education Office. The telegraph has been working night and day. Communications, in cipher, hav been continually passing between the Chiefs who are out and the officers who are left in Whitehall, and the outeome is a set of stringent regulations, drawn up mainly wi future appointments, which will come into Inspectors and Candidates for In i time to acquaint themselves with force and peaning, Alterations may be made in the new Code, but substantially it probably stand as follows :— | No. 81,647. September, 1879. Inspection or Negpiework in Erementary Scnoots. At all future examinations of Needlework by H.M. Inspectors, a Committee of Ladies (three to be a quarum) will be invited to attend, under whose eyes the inspection will be conducted. The Education | Office is confident that any Lady who may not be satisfied with the | roceedings of the Inspector, will at once communicate with the partment. In future the eyesight of all Candidates for Inspectorships must be certified by the Government oc Henceforth all Candidates for Suempeterships will be required to produce, in addition to the usual certificates of baptism, vaccination, manners, tability, &c., a certificate signed by matrons not being ons or friends), testifying that the ed them as to his knowledge of the theory and practice Needlework. ca | of Plain making, extending over three days, and cond nominated by the Committee of Council of Arts, and the Commissioners Soci (The Dircotors of the on Bank of England have kindly offered the use of room eptnews in Threadneedle Street, where the examinations will be )___| Inspec Candidates applying for a nomination will be expected to satisfy the Education Department that they know who was the inventor of Needles, that the made and the mode of their manufacture, and that (at least once) round them. are acquainted with the places where they are they have sailed Any Candidate possessing a patchwork counterpane or quilt, or a i cone had sufficient | family sampler, will be required to deposit a dra their fall | and a specimen of its stitch, certified by a Justice of | done by the candidate’s own hand, at ay before his nomination. his o ing of its pattern e Peace to be e Education Office, fourteen y Candidate who can prove that he has ability sufficient to darn wn marks. and sew on his own buttons, will be entitled to extra Candidates will have the option of writing an Essay either - * The ft) “The Advantages and iseries of Button-Holes,” or (2) istory and Development of the Modern Wrist A ae Edinburgh, an m, | competition. examination will be held in London, Dublin, and any Candidate failing to satisfy the that he is competent to hem a duster, to Fem pe lon, calico, to discriminate between cotton and and to a and gusset, and band,” will be disqualified for further mineresses cloth from erentiate The Education Office intend, as soon as the Long Vacation has terminated, to communicate with the authorities at our Universities, of Plain satis- and to aageess upon them the necessity of founding Professorships eedlework. They also have in contemplation a scheme for the establishment of Training Needlework Colleges, where Candi- Candidates not furnished with such a certificate must be prepared dates for [nspectorships could pass at least six months of their time to pass an examination in Plain Needlework, both cutting-out and | be themselves for examination. © fore offerin These sepuiatlens will remain in force until a Female Branch is added to the Education Department, when the Inspection of Needle- work, as well as of Cookery, Cleaning, Domestic Economy, and other cognate Arts and Sciences, will be transferred to d y4 By Order. toresses. AUTUMN SUITS. Tae World's fixed fashion, amidst many mutable, Js the pursuit of pleasures that seem suitable ; But, like the suits Snips advertise in Autumn, They do not always suit us when awe Senge wae. , aterfamilias, peace in quest, Finds that small bills and Brighton suit him best ; Mamma, whose marriageable flock her care is, Were better suited with the Rhine and Paris. be suited with a Moor and much to shoot, Fw finds the sands and spooning better suit ; Jack's suited with an easy-going And Jayz—at last—is snited with @ suitor, Laps dodienes Lawn-Tennis suite Wii's suited wheresoe’er he — with ,. ELL. wri onace suits the impecunious Bon, And Scarborough tne swell uplifted snob ; Whilst Margate, where the toothsome shrimp is found, Suits Anny, so he swears, “ down to the ground.” Fair weather suits the Cockney pseudo-Sailor, Paid bills—when he can get ’em—suit his tailor. Perks suit the sea-side harpy, apt at dodgings, Whose victims are not suited with their odgings. Long holidays and tips just suit “ our boys,” While we're best suited when they make least noise. An early rising suits the wearied House, But scarcely suits the i and grouse. What sweetly suits the stum minor Member Is full reports—he gets it in ber. The wandering Savant finds he’s suited well With Science, plus the charms of Miss Bug BELiz. Sea - nts and big gooseberries—for good Suit Editors ; Autumn’s the Sill " Ben's suited with success and Ghetepetne jelly, WILLIAM with work and some new casus bells. So badly have things grown, blown, rooted, fruited, Farmers with the swamped season are not suited. “The mass of men,—sad it shculd so befall, — Are suited—like a Zulu—not at all. Punch of all outward things, power, Is independent, for he suits—himself plese, pelf, ARCADES AMBO; OR, WHO’S THE PATRIOT? Scune—The shady solitude of an old Park. Acknowled Or- nament of Government plat- form discover +o on 4 —_ in @ swinging hammock, with a pile v uncut Blue Books ong 7 zing peacefully at the p> oy ana above him. Acknowledged Ornament (re- Slecting). Yes, not a doubt of it— the party horizon is as promisin —as , as yonder still an 7 summer sky! No vestige a Berlin a triumph ; almost forgotten; no uestion asked about the Balkans; Zulu business ending really economically ; and, last not least, due to the splendid foresight of our illustrious Chief in that Afghan business, the prestige of the country at its zenith! Capital! The party is safe for years. Time enough next Session to write to the Lorxp CHancettor about that—— (Enter domestic with evening paper.’ Halloa! What’s this? Another row? (Jumps Srom his hammock.) at! the Scientific” bubble burst? A ossible entanglement with Ressia! Collapse! Disaster ! The country ruined! Why, where shall we be? Oh, this will never do! Hang it!—I’ll wire to Caragns at once | [ Does tt. Scense—The margin of a muddy trout stream. Distinguished Supporter of ition tactics discovered h up, rod in hand, upon a rain-drenched gate staring irritably at the water, and catching nothing. Distinguished Supporter (cogi- tating). Di i prospect ! — yet A Pe make it hot for them! Stagna- tion all the winter ; — weather rotti (I this rain intends to coop it up) ; and then they ’ve made no end of slips. But, there (lashing the water angrily), what’s the use of any- ! I’m sure we’ve done our when they ’ve pulled one way, to pull hard the other. But what’s the use of states- rycen 2A We can’t get in ; and if this kind of thing goes on, we shan’t be in—for years! "s that tea business,—I’ve had to take it for the Boy at last. gf domestic with evening paper. No! never! Yes! flere it is in black and white! (Flings rod wildly into river and dances.) Glorious ! could have thought of such a stroke of luck is? Another Re- Prostem ror Proresson Huxiey.—Omne vivum ab ovo, the egg contain an Ego?

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a: ' } J yh PUNCH, OR THE LONDON cuppii FIAT JS ; (THE BRITISH LION ANP T:

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NDON CHARIVARI.—Sepremper 20, 1879. ) & > qipea “ff - Din a ZL pe sl \ias ' JUSTITTA ! ! ON A\® THE AFGHAN WOLVES.)

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Born | ———— Sep oR ney . . emerge en i.

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Sepremper 20, 1879. } PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 129 IN MEMORIAM. Rowland Hull, Ontorwator or Cougar Postace. Born at Kidderminster, Dec. 3,1795. Died at Hampstead, Aug. 27, 1879. Buried in Westminster Abbey, by the side of James Watt, Th Teduler 4. ursday, No question this of worthy’s right to lie ith England’s w by the grave of him Whose brooding brain ¢ under m e wasted strength Steam-giant grim Like labours—his who tamed by sea and land _ Power, Space, and Time, to needs of human kind, That bodies might be stronger, nearer hand, _ And his who multiplied mind’s links with mind, Breaking the barriers of different height For rich and poor, Bed nn still for all, Till “ out of mind” was one with ‘‘ out of sight,” And parted souls oft parted past recall ; Freeing from tax unwise the interchange Of distant mind with mind and mart with mart ; Releasing thought from bars that clipped its range ; Lightening a load felt most i’ the weakest part. What if the wings he made so strong and wide Bear burdens with their blessings? Own that all For which his bold thought we oft hear decried, Of laden bag, too frequent postman’s call, Is ing to the threads of love and light peng * ¢ to him, through iffe's web dark and wide, iu; Nor o | Phase he task weceeled men’s sight, But far as pulse of time and flow of tide! Was it a little thing to think this out ? Yet none till he had hit upon the thought; And, the thought brought to birth, came sneer and flout Of all his insight saw, his wisdom taught ; All office-doors were closed against him—hard ; All office heads were closed against him too. ‘* He had but worked, like others, for reward.” ** The thing was alla dream.” ‘' It would not do.” But this was not a ely dreaming man, A wind-bag of the known Utopian kind ; He had thought out, wrought out, in full, his plan ; ’Twas the far-seeing fighting with the blind: And the far-seeing won his way, at last, Tho pig- ed Obstruction’s force died hard ; Denied his due, official bitters cast Into the cup wrung slowly from their guard. But not until the Country, wiser far Than those that ruled it, with an angry cry, say 3 bn soldiers ’gainst it waging war, At last said resolutely, ‘‘ Stand you by! ** And let him in to do what he has said, And you do not, and will not let him do.” And so at last the fight he fought was sped, Thought at less cost freer and farther flew. And all the world was kindlier closer knit, And all man’s written word can bring to man Had easier ways of transit made for it, And none sat silent under poortith’s ban When severed from his own, as in old days. And this we owe to one ious brain, By one kind heart well-guided, that in ways Of life laborious sturdy strength had ta’en. And his reward came, late, but sweeter so In the wide sway that his wise thought had won: He was as one whose seed to d grow, Who hears him blest that sowed it ’gainst the sun. So love and honour made his grey hairs bright, And while most things he hoped to fulness And many ills he warred with were set right, Good work and good life joined to crown his name, FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. (Turep Serres.—ScummMen.) CHAPTER V. Grouse— Summary — Consolation — Preference — Driving—Rule— Erceptions—Zulu—A Point — Bogs — Birds — Aim—Thoughts — Sighs— Dogs— Bogs— Laugh—Sadness — Shooti Diary—Tennis—Out of it—Arrival. ng — Hitting— August 12th. — Bravo, grouse! A day wi’ Moor after a wich wi’ Borys. ly weather, no birds. Next two hours the birds saw me. Lun- cheon. Pigeon and steak ie: the “Consolation ” End of Act I. \ ok ee wes. " g over, an into, the peat, and Scotch is not encouraging. Happy Thought.—Ayr and exercise. | > The birds have a knack of getting up just when a bird is the very last thing I’m thinking about. I fancy I should prefer “ driving,” when, I am informed that you 3 his brethren I are put into a pit—like Josern by , onl birds are driven towards you. To enjoy for half-an-hour ;” in fact, I follow it with all a s keenness up to the ‘ which, as far as letting off the gun goes, I —but at this point the description dénoitiment of ‘down they come!” is not ‘* let off” the gun, I generally “let off” the birds at the same time. I say generally, because there is no rule without one, or two, bril- liant exceptions. T ) they are not. I am not to be depended upon. | may kill them when they least expect it. I have sometimes wept over of confiding rabbits innocently sitting up in a field, and, often, absolutely staring me full in the face, up to within a sesond of their decease. They didn’t think I was in earnest, poor things! But I was; and I’ve eaten them afterwards—in pies. Perhaps thought 1’d only got a hare- But when I’ve once tasted blood, so to speak, a ’ i B cE ‘ & Pointer points. Keeper makes m signs to me, as if he had caught sight of a Zulu, or other game, in a bus am still ing towards the mysterious and am in my own mind exactly what I shall do a@ covey y get up,

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[Serremper 20, 1879. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. -? A GROUP OF : ~ i= | =*-§)—~ - Pt =) tif == — Shs u > — sb, = W Bh ° i y ‘ ~* d, v1 = DA mrs *ARRIES ’ In Toe CewTRE OF WHICH MAY BE SEEN THE PLAIN BUT CAPTIVATING Mr. BELLEVILLE, WHO EXPLAINS TO THE LOVELY Miss Euiza LARKINS THAT IT’S OF NO CONSEQUENCE WHETHER A MAN BE HANDSOME OR NOT, “‘S0 LONG AS HE LOOKS LIKE A GENTLEMAN!” when, before I have quite settled my plans, there is a chuckle, a flapping of wings, and away flies a bird. Bang!—with one barrel— and away he still flies. And as he flies The Keeper sighs. Wonder, to myself, why I didn’t fire the other barrel immediately. The other barrel doesn’t seem to come so readily. If this is so, next time I will begin with the other barrel. If my mind had only been -_ made up before that grouse appeared, he would never have eft this moor alive. But as it is— The Grouse that flies And gets away, Surely dies Another day. ‘ I pe that if I were to meet that bird again, it would be the worse or him. I tramp o'er the moors, breathing slaughter against the grouse. It is a long time before I see another. I fancy they are hiding, and looking at me as I pass. A young dog is told off tous. He is a gay young dog, and fond of practical joking. All his points are sly jokes, as there is never any- thing to be seen. He is chastised for playing the fool, and dismissed to the care of a boy, who brings us such an old hand at the game that he scores two points straight off. I bang both barrels, as a sort of feu de joie, and the birds go off exultingly. The Keeper sighs m heavily. I fancy I hear a smothered a in the direction of boy with the comie dog. The boy looks serious enough. Per- haps it is an illustration of “ The little dog laughed to see such !” On we tramp again. Interminable bogs! To para what a trespassing Scotchman said when he was asked where he was going to—“' Bock again!” so i I’m again up to my knees, or it is with me—‘‘ Bog again!” knick a. When asked, subsequently, if I’ve had_ good shooting, with the strictest regard for truth I can reply, ‘‘ Yes, first-rate shootii with an emphasis on the “ shooting ;” but as to the Aitting—that were to inquire too curiously. Chuekle, chuckle, flap-flap, from a bird. The Keeper, who has given me up as hopeless, takes no notice of either the bird or me except to sigh to himself and to plod on. But my blood is 7. Th's time he shall not coonpe me. Bang! Missed! Bang! inged him! ‘I’ve done the deed! Did you not hear a noise?” Rather. Now, more birds—quick! The cry is still, they don’t come. But I have finished with a grand blaze of triumph, and the Keeper who had been with me, and whom my splendid failures have plunged into the deepest melancholy, is radiant once again. ‘Sigh no more, Keeper |!” End of Second Act. Milk and whiskey. End of The Gamester. Return of Shooter Jonnie. It suddenly occurs to me that no one has pointed out to me all day either Ben Lomond, Burns’s Monument, or the Isle of Arran in the distance. A most remarkable day. In the r next day I see with pride, in the accounts from the moors, ‘‘ Mr. Allison of Dumdoddie and party bagged eighty brace, three plovers, and four hares.’ It is gratifying to know that I was one of the ‘ party.” Also gratifying that de’ are not given. In fact it would be invidious. * * * >. . * We spend our evenings in reading Burws’s Poems and toasting Burns's memory. I don’t wonder at Burws’s memory being kept so warm in Scotland, as it’s so frequently being toasted. . Then, later on, with the whiskey we become philosophical, and discuss Maxiock’s Is Life worth Living? A Nicht wi’ Mattock, Hoxtey, TynpaLt, and Georce Extor, who, with Ophelia, might ‘* What means this, my Lord?” Whereupon I should reply— ** Marry, this is michi allock—O !” what Burns himself would have said—*‘ It means Night-Light Thoughts on Lawn-Tennis.—A er, Lawn-tennis would be “‘ A Love game, and no a Lawn-tennis contains the headings of Chapters in a History :— Chapter I. Fifteen, seve. Sener Il. Thirty —Chapter III. Forty, Love.—Chapter IV. Forty, Fifteen out of it).—Chapter V. Forty, Thirty (Better Match).—Chapter VI. Forty all! Deuce! — Cha Vil. Coquetting. ’Vantage to =, ’Vantage to t’other. The Deuce, like the a - Proctor Which sounds yery like mischief.” |

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September 20, 1879.)

PUNCH,

CHARIVA OR THE LONDON RL

intervening.—Chapter VIII. Triumph.—Chap- ter IX. A Love Match. Retirement. No more strawberries and cream. As Rip Van Winkle used to say, ‘‘ I’ve swore off.” Feel lighter-hearted in consequence. Charming place. Weather unsettled. We all hope it will make up its mind to ‘‘fine.” Lovely afternoon. Three courts ready. Visi- tors arriving. On reaching the lawn, I hear an energetic lady arguing with her opponent, across the net, as to the state of the score. ‘*T’m forty!” she announces, at the top of her voice. Her opponent, who is waiting for her service, replies, ‘* Yes, forty and one fault!” She admits the one fault cheerfully. There’s a moral! ‘Forty, and only one fault!” Well, well,—in vain is the net set in the sight of the tennis-player ! (Happy Thought (here).—Excellent Scotch name for a Tennis Professor—The McRKacxst. } They are making up their sets. Our hostess is, as it were, casting the parts for three comediettas of four dramatis persone each. Becoming wary by experience, and aspiring to improve, I prefer playing in company with my fellow-men. As, out of politeness to the fair guests (of various ages), I cannot utter this sentiment aloud, I adopt much the same plan of tactics as one does in a ball-room when the smiling hostess attempts to surprise you into dancing with some neglected faded fair one, for whom she has charitably undertaken to find partners. The formula then is, “‘ Thank you so much, but I’ve been dancing everything, and 1 really must,” &c.; or, plainly and defiantly, “Thanks, but I’m engaged—just waiting for my partner to return;” or, ‘* Thanks, but I don’t dance a galop, or a waltz,” &c., or any other excuse ready at the moment. Or one retires into a remote corner of a con- servatory, followed by the hostess with her protégée, or down to the refreshment-room, or, in fact, ‘‘ anywhere, everywhere, out ol the world!” I see a gallant set (male) in flannels and colours. I should like to make one of their party. They were enthusiastic till I came np diffi ont. The hostess suggests my joining them. They pretend to be in doubt as to whether MacraRrEn isn’t coming. The hostess says I can play till he comes. There is no avidity on the part of the flannels and colours to close with this proposition. It suddenly occurs to me that J am in the position of the ‘‘ Neglected Faded Flower”’ for whom the hostess is so charitably anxious to obtain a partner. I say, apologetically, ‘‘ Per- haps you’ve made up your set?” They reply, awkwardly, ‘that they have, but——” Then they regard one another in a furtive way, and appear considerably embarrassed. MAcLAREN comes to their relief, and they hail him with such a shout of joy as might come from a crew on a shoal at the sight of the lifeboat. I fancy I detect a wink passing round among them- selves as they retire to their ground. In the meantime the other sets have been mege up, and, for the nonce, I am“ out in the co ’ At this moment a trap is driven up carrying two young ladies and a s boy. He is in that neatest of all i suits, an Eton suit; so white about the collar, and so trim {about the legs, so generally natty and tidy, and, when topped up, on a Sunday, with a glorsy hat, so thoroughly “ gentlemanly 7. the ty pe of an English home Institution. The boy, I feel instinctively, is an Etonian. | shall interview him.

Mostc at THE Sea-stpz.— Of course you

find C in a space of the Base Cliff.

Ai iad aii iid Mi ' ' y AMA ll a ' \ ie ii Kf (it Ray NN ug p ete

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SS ao += ee os aS — = a <2

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VWYYY/ J ‘if ws Zbl st ys J / THE WET SEASON. Old Gentleman (on his way to bed, after several tumblers, tapping the Clock-case). UNCOM’LY HIGH, ©’SHID'’RIN’ QUAN’TY ’¥ WET WE’VE HAD (hic) /”’ ————- ** GLAseu Civilisation in Central Africa. 'From an advertisement in the Daily Telegraph it appears that by some person or persons there is Ww Apply, &c.

NTED, a MAN ROASTING COOK, thoroughly capable, and up to the work.— | We are informed by recent travellers that there exist in the Interior of Africa | certain races of natives, who, whilst endowed with considerable intelligence, and some good qualities, are yet addicted to anthropophagy. Can it be that they are in a measure so civilised as to combine the cultivation of culinary art with the practice of cannibalism ; and are those, any of them, the parties who advertise in an English newspaper for a Man Roasting Cook

A Dovstrvt Derrvation.—Academy, from “alpha privative” and “‘cad.”—A school in which there are no cads.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON a if) i wi

/

hn / 4 Pa Oe ieee >= HAr~ REBUKE. , to his eldest Son). ‘‘ THes® ARE UN- Waar po THEY cost you!” <= -- - A FILIAL Squire Quiverful (who h7s a large COMMONLY coop UCIcaRs oF yours, Farp! Pred. * Sixry Sausies a Howpaep.” Squtre 1. ‘*Goop Heavens! wat extravacance! Do you Now, Sin, THAT I NEVER GIVE MORE THAN TaRgereNce For a Cicant” Pred. “‘ A¥D A VERY Goop Prics, Too! Br Gsonce, Govexnog, tv I BAD As MANY CHILDREN TO PROVIDE For AS You Hav®, I wouLDn’t SMOKE AT ALL!”

HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON, (Being a Dickens of a Dickshunary for the use of Visitors to the Metropolis.) DEVONSHIRE CLUB,—The members are all of the Devonshire eréme de la créme. They go out “ junketting” every summer. Cider Cup, known as “‘ The Cider C,’’ is their favourite beverage. Singing, ‘ O that a Devon Draught should be As deep as our jovial ‘ Cider C’!”” Devonshire titles are given to all the rooms. For instance, the Conversation Salon is the ‘‘ Talkee Room,” the Lavatory is the ‘* Ilfracomb-and-Brush Room.” The ascenseur comes up in the “ Lifton” portion. The Hall-Porter is invariably chosen from his appearance as a front- Daw-lish man. DOCKS.—Situated in Bow Street, Middlesex Sessions House, the Old Bailey, and other parts of the Metropolis. The best way of seeing them thoroughly is to trip up a policeman, and sit on his head, until he agrees to take you to the nearest dock. Sometimes a great deal of force is necessary to induce him to comply with your request; but as a policeman has, legally, ‘‘ power to add te his number,” he will call a few others, and you will soon be bonded, and in dock. The London children are instructed at an early age to make the acquaint- ance of the dock, in the nursery rhyme— ““ Diekory, dickory, dock !”” and in Dock-tor Warrts’s celebrated * Let docks delight.”’ It_is thus our youth are indocktrinated. A sure way to obtain admission to any dock is to stay sufficiently long at the bar—any bar in the neighbourhood will do—and refuse to leave until turned out by the landlord.

CHARIVARI. [SerremBer 20, 1879,

=r ==

DRAINAGE.—Advice to visitors: Never take lod in London until you are quite safe as to the drains. If anything unpleasant arises in consequence of your neglect to make “assurance doubly sewer,” you will pete be compelled to bring an action against the odging-house keeper, sue for damages, and so be your- self the suitor or chief suer. : DRESS.— Reversible suits are the best—morning dress one side, evening the other. Always be in the fashion. White hat with black band, yellow coat with brass buttons, blue velvet waistcoat and plaid trousers, with patent leather boots, white gloves, high collars, and red tie, are never out of place. Always wear cheque trousers on a Bank holiday. DRURY LANE THEATRE.—The home of our Na- tional Drama when in town. Though quite close to Covent Garden, and has been, until quite recently, “‘ in the market.” This splendid building is, generally, open the year round—to an offer. It has aw | been re- er as leased to a party of the name of Harris. hether the names of Betsy Prie and Gamp are asso- ciated with the management, has not yet leaked out. The former of these two can hardly be in it, as “ Betsy ” has just now quite enough to do elsewhere. DUST.—The police have strict orders to take up any- one kicking up a dust in the streets. The ratepayers who are regular in their dues are entitled to the services of a man who does the dust. When you ask in the morning if he has come as usual, you will receive the answer, ‘‘ Bin and done it.” For much information on this subject see a work called Dustward Ho ! translated from the Hindostanee of Dost Monammen. If the dust is not attended to regularly, they make a nicu ’ash of it. EALING.—( Vide MEDICAL Mey.) ECCLESIASTICAL COMMISSIONERS.—A separate department of Commissionnaires, being com of Clerks who are ready to take Orders. They belong to the surplice population. They bring home the ecclesiastical linen for the Ritualistic clergy, any one of whom will explain to you the gist of the poem known as Back from the Wash; or, The Cotta’s Saturday Night. EDGEWARE ROAD.—The road by which, as indi- cated by the name, you go to Edgeware, just as a cul de sac might be called a Noware d. EGYPTIAN HALL.—Dedicated to the mysteries of the ancient aeyreess. and paying more than the modern Egyptians. ere live the Magician Cooxe and the Neck-romancer MAskELYNe, who cuts off Mr. Cooxr’s head. At first, people used to think that the Cook in the firm was a female, and wanted to call it MaskKELYNE AND Feminre, but, on inquiry, our nervous reporter fi them both out—a very rare occurrence; in fact, they said they ’d never been found out before; and, in answer to his questioning as to either of them being at home the page-boy (lately from School Board tutors) replied, ** Neuter !” ELECTRIC LIGHT.—This Elec-trick has not yet thoroughly succeeded. Mr. HotirnesneaD was the to give a light entertainment of this kind in London, “There’s a good deal yet to be done with it,” said someone to an American: “in the meantime there’s the gas.” ‘‘ Gas there is!” said the Yankee. For further information see The Gazette. EPPING FOREST.—When any Londoner has a holi- day chance of an innings, here’s the place for one of his outings. There is a new rural hotel at Chingford —which name has a sort of Chinese tw about it. But Ching-a-ring-a-ring-ford is a tvoral place where one—and more than one—can “‘ spend a happy day.” FLATS.—Flats have increased enormously of late ra in London. Houses are now built for ‘ taking in Flats.” Of course, if the flats allow themselves to be ‘‘ taken in” after reading this public advertisement, they cannot afterwards complain, A little way out of London the Exssex Flats are well known, but, strange to say, have never vet been let out as apartments. FLEET STREET.—Formerly, as the name implies, part of the river where the Fleet used to be. The re remnant of the ancient shipping interest is a ** model dockyard shop” and a few dancing sailors in the toy-shop windows. The site of the bar which used to be the entrance to the harbour, as at Boulogne and Dieppe, may still be seen. It was called Temple Bar. FOGS.—(See Haves, Conn gILt.) FOLLOWERS.—(On this subject, see SERVANTS.) FRIENDLY SOCIETIES.—(See Zvvs.)

and directed 48 To Conessronpants.— The Bditor dogs not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, amped nweiope show ld be kept. In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by @

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| Sepremper 27, 1879.) = A PIG IN A POKE! N ay PIG ina poke! Oh, how can you joke, Dear old Punch, in that style, on the sweetest of bonnets ? Which instead of your lash, ought to bring down a c Wage \yve 7 From the bells in your eap, =e the sweetest of son- Say “‘a duck in a poke,” or, ‘‘ a dove in a poke,” r ‘‘a dear in a poke,” or “‘a pet,” or ‘‘a poppet.” But “a pig in a poke”—’tis the ugliest joke On the prettiest fashion—rteasz, Mr. Punch, drop it! IN RE THE RIGI, From a recent letter in the 7imes it would seem that tourists visiting the | hotels on the Rigi have to secure entertainment at the point (or rather the knuckle) of the fist. If the fashion is permitted to become chronic (by the atient endurance of the British public), the diary kept by the visitor to the tigi is likely to appear in the following form :— Tuesday, 4 a.m.—Just seen the sun rise. Rather cloudy in the valley, but on the whole magnificent. Will stay until to-morrow, as I am sure the air is | excellent. 5 A.M.—Going back to the hotel. The night porter is shouting at me. 8 a.M.—Just finished a three hours’ fight with the night porter. He scored ‘first blood’ to my “‘ first knock-down blow.” I was able to polish him off in forty-seven rounds, and consequently have an excellent appetite for breakfast. 9 a.m.—After some desperate struggling with half-a-dozen waiters, have secured a — coffee and a small plate of cold meat. 12 A.M.—Have been asleep on a bench outside the hotel for the last two hours and a half, recovering from my recent exertions. 1 p.m.—Have fraternised with five English tourists armed with alpenstocks. One of our party has opened negotiations with the hotel-keeper as to the possibility of obtaining some lunch. 2P.mM.—Our ambassader has returned with his coat torn into tatters, and one of his = severely bruised. 3 p.M.—By a de main we have seized the salle-d-manger, and now are feasting merrily on and honey. 4 p.m.—Just driven from our vantage-ground by eight boots, ten waiters, the landlord and auxiliaries from the kitchen. 6 p.m.—Have t the last two hours in consultation. _ T PMA our party (assuming the character of an English duke) is we Ha tere urned, and h hen he asked f just ret reports that when he as or a room him with brooms and candlesticks. of attack. 10 p.M.—Glorious news! A triumphant victory! Our party, in single file, VOL. LXXVII. N PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C | made a descent upon the table-d’héte, saized a large num- , ber of hors d’cuvres, and, after an hour’s desperate fighting, secured a large room on the top floor, where we are now safely barricaded for the night! Hurrah! HARIVARI. 133 =—_ THE SILLY SEASON. ‘* Te stnty Season?” Sure the phrase, With limitation, sounds ironic, For in these delirious days ‘ Silliness seems growing chronic. Ere one bubble vanishet Folly hath another blown ; Silliness, like despot Death, Claims all Seasons for its own. Mover of frogs, oan eae in qoute, Fiant gooseberry, huge sea kraken, All that on our much plagued planet Quidnunce nerves hath stirred or shaken, — What are ye but passing types Of a folly that ’s enduring ¢ Wit, with donkeydom at gripes, _ Sometimes fears the ill’s past curing. Patriot howl, peacemonger’s plaint, Priestly feud, and party schism, Fussy fear in wild war-paint, Brummagem Imperialism, Legion lunes that haunt the age, | Point to MALLock’s question giving, When he asks, sardonic Sage, ‘* Whether life is worth the living.’’ Hardly, when once-sober But Like a blatant moon-calf bellows, Boasting his corn-measure full When with o’erheaped chaff it yellows. Scarcely, while our glittering Earl Poses as a pinehbeck Jove, Storing ’n his frontal curl Such finesse as Zanies love. See he stands, the eunning Cook, His imperial omelette making, While but few of those who look Care to count the eggs he’s breaking. Credit though it cost and peace And prosperity, what matter ’ Cackle, ye ous geese, Over the expensive batter ! He will give you yolk enough, Yet you'll it, when ’tis tasted, Poor as stodgiest plum-duff, And the entirely wasted. They who of Chef advise Are abused and charged with treason. Jou, when onee you ope your eyes, You'll repent your Silly Season ! Blatant over loss ealled gain, Pleased with gingerbread called glory,— When was vanity so vain As survives the year’s sad story ? Fine to smite a little foe! Grand to triumph in his thrashing ! Big on dunghills small to crow, Self-dubbed heroes, dauntless, dashing ! Joun, we know your heart is sound, But you ’ve sadly lost your head. Shifting from Right’s solid ground, Quicksands of intrigue you tread. Fool of fears and dupe of dreams, Phantom-lured and bogey-frighted, From extremes tost to extremes, Firework-dazzled, fog-benighted ; Ts it you, Jouw? Oh, take thought! Heed the voice of Right and Reason Dear is the experience bought In this too-long Silly Season ! A CAGED BLACKEIRD, Tue battle of Ulundi, putting Cerewaro to flight, is truly said to have driven him into the bush. Now having been caught, ! the hand worth many more than two birds in the | bush. he may be regarded as a bird in | te tt AiG. .

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serremper 27, 1879. . i, A hn , 7 7? ) 7 ae (AA Za Lid SAA ?, O60 og 3% ~s . 8 \ AA \ tee LES * * “tt A ed “ose CLT tae “V4 p * 1 44hy 042 7 Pn / me» i sf ee oa -_ mw . Sa a iA Ve GO —e pS > — SS ia J FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE, (Tu1rp Sexres.—ScumMMER.) CHAPTER VI. The Etonian— Modern Boy—Interview—Contrast—Temporis acti— Style — Old — New — Question — Answer — Long Ago — Dead Water—More Tennis—Something New—A Match—Fagged— A Boy again — Gallery — Chaff — Retirement —’ Vantage — Resolution. Haviye been at Eton myself, I am enabled to ask him certain questions with an air of an old hand. Not having talked to modern young Etonians for some time, I am a little at a loss what to say to him. My host says to me, “‘ Here’s Teppy Mackenzize—he’s at Eton. You ”’ (to me) “‘ were at Eton, weren’t you?” I say ‘* Yes,” and look at the small boy, who smiles incredulously, smile implies “‘Gammon! You’ (meaning me) ** weren’t at ton.” A ZULU REBUS.—*“ CIGAR. NET-WOOL. SEE.” I see that the boy’s manner is not without its effect on my host. He begins to believe I wasn’t at Eton. In another second, if this small boy goes on smiling incredulously, he’ll begin to believe I’m a humbug—a Mac Humbug—altogether. A mg put Etonian questions to Eton boy, and show I’ve been there. I say, at haphazard, with a vague memory of the form the question ought to assume, ‘‘ Where are you at?” On thinking it over subsequently, I discover that what was in my mind was, “‘ Where do you keep ?”’--a Cambridge Undergraduate expression for ‘‘ Where do you lodge?” confused with “* Whose house are you in?” ‘Where am I at?” repeats the little Etonian, carelessly cutting at an imaginary ball with his racket. ‘‘ What do you mean ?—I’m at Eton.” And again he smiles, more incredulously supercili- ously than before, and makes another careless cut at an invisible ball. Now, did I reply in this manner when J was a little Etonian Wasn’t J far more respectful to my elders? 1’m afraid there’s a falling off in this respeet—literally in this ‘‘ respect.”

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Serremper 27, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL my | i HH : | | | SEASONED! Lady Tourist, “‘ Ane THE SaxeTs weit Arrep?”’ Irish Chambermaid, *‘ Trotu, AND THEY ARE, MA’aAM; FOR THE SAYSON 1S THREE MONTHS BEGUN, AND THEY'VE BEEN WELL USED since !”’ “*T know you ’re at Eton,” I reply, blandly, while my host watches | alone, he will come to the conclusion that I never was at Eton at all, | us as though it were a fine contest of intellects between me and the | and am an impostor, a sort of Claimant. I am determined to prove I little boy, in which the odds were greatly in fayour of the latter. | was at Eton, and to compel the Etonian’s respect—not for my age, but | ‘“* But at what house ?’’ | for my honesty. I wish him to recognise me as a Boy and a Brother. “Oh!” he says, explaining to me what I do mean, and looking up - aa from under his wide-brimmed hat. ‘ You mean who’s my | utor ?”’ Yes !—I did meanthat. The memory of my boyhood’s days comes | k again ina flash! Yes, I did mean ‘‘ Who’s your tutor?” ** Tony BunrorD ’s my tutor,” he says. What? is it possible! Bunrorp—without the Tony—was my | tutor, and we used to call him Puncn Bunrorp. Evidently they | call this Bunrorp Tosy because he comes after Puncu ; Tosy being | su) to follow his master. Good. I give the young Etonian my ormation about Puncu, and my theory about Tony. It has no effect upon his manner, however. He still preserves his smile of supercilious incredulity, and my host, I firmly believe, thinks I am inventing a, but listens with as impartial an air as he can assume. The contest of intellects is still going on, only it has| assumed the ap ce of a serious counsel being suddenly examined a flippant witness, before a judge who is rather pleased at the turn | are 1 The boy looks at me as though he didn’t believe for one moment | that Poncu Buwrorp had ever been a tutor, and says curtly, ** Puncn Buwrorp’s a Fellow.” Indeed! Oh, then, I sup; they make Fellows of superannuated | tutors. Then the Fellows in my day had been tutors in somebody else’s day. I never knew this before. Would it have made any | difference in my conduct in years gone by had I known it? I don’t | think so. [Ha Thought.—Every tutor has his day. Like a saint,—and a | dog. Tosy is now having Ais day, Tosy Bunronp, [I mean. And| his day is a ‘‘ day out”’ in the vacation. Poor Tosy!) I turn to my host and explain to him that, in my time, Puncu Bun- FORD was my tutor, whereat he doesn’t appear the least bit interested. I feel convinced that if he talks me over with this small Etonian, | |me see! I should be happier if he would shake hands with me heartily, and tell me all about everything, of how the old place has changed, and how it remains the same, and how they do much the same now as | did then, and in fact, clearly prove to me that I only left Eton the day before yesterday, that [ am only this little boy’s senior by a fortnight or so at most, and that when the holidays are over, I shall |go back again, and we shall both meet in the school yard and talk about ‘‘ knowing him at home.” But no—heisadetermined boy. He only smiles incredulously, and remains peculiarly uncommunicative. My host is still waiting, judicially, to hear the issue of the examina- tion. It almost seems that I had hed invited here on the strength of my havin it is shown that I have not been at Eton, my things will be obtained an introduction here under false pretences. I can’t think of old Etonian terms which could effectually confirm my position. Suddenly the expressions ‘‘ wet bob,” “‘dry bob,” occur to me. I feel my face lighting up with the radiant smile of victory. I can | never forget that ‘‘ wet bob” means a boy who goes in for boating, and ‘‘ dry bob” one who goes in for cricket. ‘** Are you a wet bob or a dry bob?” I ask, with an air that im- plies, ** Now, then, my lad, am I not a Boy and a Brother?” **T’ve got a lock-up,” he replies. Deuce take him ! What ’sa “lock-up”? Iought to know. Let Oh, I remember! A “lock-up” was a boat to oneself, and ‘‘ a chance boat” meant one’s paying so muth and taking one’s chance of whatever happened to be in. Good! Now [’ll show him I know all about it. been an Etonian, and that if, from this boy’s ovidense ACK OC | up on the spot, and I shall be politely requested to leave, as having “Ah!” I say, with a smack of satisfaction, recalling happy | memories of idle times, * I omageee you get your sherry cobler and | pipe, and go up Dead Water.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ~ 7 — aT iy, 1 i] Ar \|, var ft i il} I, \ i} ! ‘ Lib yt ' Ne ‘ A ’ An oe a es ee BRAY Lids MA " a! mad | rier! iy) uae 1 HOLIDAY MAKING. \ j \' ie) ( To watcn A Yacut-RACKE, DURING A DEAD CALM, WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHO THE YACHTS BELONG TO (AND DON’? CARE), AND ARE 80 LITTLE VERSED In THE Navricat CRAFT THAT YOU CANNOT TELL THE DIFFEREXCE BETWEEN A Scnooner, A CuTrer, AND A YAWL, 18 NOT A LIVELY WAY OF GETTING THROVeH A Wer AFTERNOON AT THE SEA-SIDE. 14) i J i) \ Tha | ‘ " } My! ¢@\ (& I rather emphasise the “‘ pipe,” implying that J know what these young dogs do, and that they can’t get over me. He stares at me. What do I mean ? My host stares at me, too. “‘ That’s a nice way of being at Eton,” he remarks, with a dry, caustic laugh. ‘* Dead Water!” repeats the boy, shaking his head sharply, and nearly laughing outright. ‘‘ Where’s that?” “Oh,” I say, “‘ come, hang it—not know Dead Water? Why, when I was there Ah, but it suddenly occurs to me that this was longer ago than the day before yesterday; and as the Young Etonian, all of the Modern Time has never heard of ‘‘ Dead Water’’—which was an aquatic lounge in my day— the water which was dead then, must have been buried, long since, in a water grave. He could tell me more about the Dead Sea, I dare say, if I were to as him; but I shan’t. The Etonian goes on to tell me that he occupies himself chiefly in volun- teering, shooting, and drilling. ‘This is all new to me. ** Volunteering and shooting”! Dear me! * And,” I ask, “is old Wepper still there ?” I prefix *‘ Old” to the name of Wxsser (who was a confectioner) because it occurs to me that if Punca Bunrorp is a superannuated tutor, WEBBER must be a superannuated pastry-cook. The Etonian deakes Vile head, and smiles suspiciously, Am I chaffing him? He doesn’t know any “* Wepper.” *He had a shop on——” (here my memory fails me)—‘‘ on—— Dear, bless me, what ’s the name of the bridge?” ** Windsor Bridge ?”’ suggests the boy, maliciously. _ “No, no—just out of bounds,” I say, with a side-look at my host, to see if he is not favourably impressed by my knowledge of localities. He isn’t, that’s evident. It is, apparently, to him, still a contest of wits between myself and the Etonian, with six to four in the latter’s favour. | No. [Serremper 27, 1879. CHARIVARL. »** Barnes Bridge,” says the boy. : “Yes!” I exclaim, exultingly—‘ on Barnes Bridge, and Barnes, too, and the Pool ! ” And I nearly shout with joy at remembering so much. The little Etonian only shakes his head pityingly. All gone—except the bridge. Y Iq ion him about the position of certain houses. e doesn’t know them, He has never even heard of them. “Jor’s?” Pooh! Who’sJoz? ‘ Brran? Spanxig?” The Etonian stiles yon me ame. I feel that were he to put his thoughts into words, he would = “ Poor old chap! What is he maundering about ?”’ am inclined to ask if Eton exists at all, as 7 knew it ” My host tires of the conversation—perhaps of me. | remark to him, for the sake of my character for vera- city, ‘“* The place must have changed considerably.” e nods, The boy, cutting at the hundredth invisible ball with a racket, and smiling, knowingly, up at me, from under his broad brim, observes : ‘“*T s’pose you haven’t been there for a very long time ?”’ It occurs to me, as something that had never struck me before, that I have not been there for a very long time. I begin to call to mind when I | and when I went,— dates for the boy’s information, and my own. My host suggests that Teppy, the Etonian, should play a game of lawn-tennis with me; whereat the | seems to measure me from head to foot (not a very lengthy ealculation—though I would not hear my enemy say s0), and his smile becomes more supercilious and more decided than ever. : “Do you play lawn-tennis at Eton?” I ask diffi- dently, and am almost inclined to add ‘‘ Sir,” and raise my hat to him, respectfully. ‘*A little—not much,” he answers, carelessly, switching the racket about. “*T suppose,” I say to him, still diffidently, and with }a trembling sort of fear that he will, by some sort of | right, fag me to fetch the balls, or order me to run and get something for him that he has left in the house, ‘‘I — you are a great swell at tennis ?”’ I put this to him in a flattering tone, so as to conciliate him, and induce him not to be severe, or unkind, with me, ** No,” he says, ‘‘ not much of a swell,” and he begins driving the balls into the corner of the court where he is going to play. By this time the other players in the other court— first-raters—are taking a rest, and have formed a gallery on the terrace. I am in full lawn-tennis flannel costume, evidently intending to work hard. My antagonist, the little Etonian, doesn’t even condescend to remove his coat, but saunters into the right-hand corner, and in another second, without saying *‘ Play!” he has whizzed a ball right over the net, I have missed it, and he has taken the other side ready for next service. The balls come whizzling over the net one after the other. He keeps me running from side to side without hitting one once, and in less than a minute the game is over. Roars of laughter (at me), and ironical applause from the gallery. I have to serve. Ripples of laughter from gallery, and facetious remarks on the match, all the worse for not being spoken out loud, but whispered half audibly. Iserve. Fanlt. Mea culpa! P I serve again; and again. Mea culpa! Ironical cheers. Somebody shouts out something to me. I smile, and say ‘‘ What?” Boy cries out, ‘‘ Now then—that’s your court!” and points to me to change sides. I had forgotten. I bow to him humbly, and wish I had never been at Eton. Serve again. G He returns a whizzler. I make for it. Hit it. Where it goes I can’t see. Nor anybody else. I have sent it flying over the tops of the trees. Ironical applause. 4 ** Don’t use so much force!’ shouts my host, anxiously, who foresees the loss of the balls. * All right!” I reply, as cheerfully as I can. “The other side!” cries out the boy, in a tone that implies ‘‘ Now then, stoopid!” and again I bow mentally in the deepest humility, and feel that I am getting fagged just as much as though I were a boy again waiting to pick up the ball behind the fives-courts in the jot ww» det Do they exist still? Idon’tknow. I don’t

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Sepremper 27, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 137

It is no longer “‘ the old I won’t ask any more about Eton. ’m care. And the boys are all new too. place””—but quite a new one. sure we were more , Another serve. Fault. Applause. Hang the fault! Another serve for the right. Returned into the centre. It comes slowly. I see it coming. I know exactly the place where it must bound. I slip forward, make my hit a¢ it, but the ball passes on underneath. Sores Set ery. The Etonian calls out, ‘‘ There ’s a hole in your racket.” I examine my bat. Roars of laughter, specially from boy. As I am qneenining, it, and see no hole, it suddenly occurs to me that this is his chaff. I am perfectly sure J was more tful to my elders —for I now admit I am his elder—when I was a boy at Eton. Ona ad <i. 7 th th appy Thought.—To continue my Seapets of bat as if this was part o 2— Everybody, however, I am sure, sees through this va shallow performance. } More —_ After the third I fall back, so to speak, on my weight of years and gravity of character, fun of running about—not, of course, that I can’t, but simply that I don’t care about doing it. _ Boy becomes careless, as despising his foe. He wins all the games in something less than a quarter of an hour. I’ve only scored twice, — he \ VERY a. m tel plaver { * say to him, patronisingly, , you’re & oa player He has become rather pompy—l think he my been bored—by being sent to play with me, as if I were so many years younger, and no companion for him, At all events, he replies, candidly, ** You don’t practise much, do you ?” I'admit that I do not “ practise” much, by way of answering his — which implies that 1 ‘‘ don’t practise much, and can’t play a ** Now, then,” cries my host, apparently in exuberant spirits at the conclusion of my performance, ** we’ll have a real good match !”’ And i while I retire into the shade, the Etonian is mixed up in a set of four op is to take off his coat, and, to my great delight, is tackled by his elder sisters, who work him hard and chaff him mer y: he then finds himself pitted against an elderly, but cool, and agile oeptiomes, on expert at the game, who, on every occa- sion (having no, fear of Eton before his eyes), treats him as h he were a mere, child; and I, as one of the gallery, following the fortunes of the;game, come out of my shell, applaud ironically, make, facetious,remarks, call out ‘ Butter-fingers!”’ when the Little Etonian misses the , and congratulate myself generally on taking ,the,change out of him. [Happy Thought (as one of the spectators).—‘‘’Vantage to me.” and protest I don’t see the | and

I confess I am rather afraid of a reprisal; but he hasn’t time for it, as he is taken away by his family, who have to return to dinner | after this exciting contest is finished. Happy Thought.—Shall run down to Eton and stay a few days at the Christopher—is there a Christopher ?—do they “keep up the Christopher ?”—just to see what the place is like. I will ret— won’t it be melancholy? Shall I not be returning to my former haunts, like a Spirit from The Shades? I shall have no one to talk to; and if I address one of the boys, he will run away as though he nee wen a ghost. I might get another ghost to accompany me. ’ try.

A HAPPY RELEASE! Dear Mr. Poncu, Or course, I congratulate Lord Braconsrretp and his Cabinet, and Lord Cuxetmsrorp, and Sir Barrie, and Sir Garner and Manrrer, and the King’s Dragoon Guards, and the Lova Parliament, and the Managers of Madame Tvussavp’s Exhibition, and every other despairing tax-payer, on the latest ition” to Engli —on CreTewayo being at But, more than all , Leongratulate you, dear Sir, because I hope you will now be rescued from the brisk fire of jokes and jocularities on the Zulu King and his name, which, | suspect, you have had to face from the very beginning of the out- break. May your daily pile of letters now be lessened! May your W.P. ets be immensely relieved ! Yours loyally, APRICANUS. P.§.—We brought away an umbrella from Ashantee; we have now received an elephant’s tusk from Zululand, another trophy for the South Kensington Museum—what are we to look for from | Afghanistan ? Py A Happy P ony 94 =f - .~ - it. e floodgates that the event opens on Punch’s him vend follows :— at He little knows head. | TO ALL WHOM IT MAY CONCERN. Tu tide of obvious puns on Kercuwayo just ketch’d, and Major Manrrer his keteher, having set in, with even exceptional severity, PuNcH HEREBY GIVES NOTICE that no play of words on either name can be admitted to his columns. ‘‘ Play,” as such things may seem to their perpetrators, they are death to Punch, to say nothing of his pat me,

DocrainaL Destperatum.—Orthodoxy without Paradoxy.

WHAT WILL BE DONE WITH HIMP t November next (as in the Roman tine of old), and afterwards Lord BraconsFreLn’s rhetoric in‘the Guil Will le at last learn to spell and pro- nounce his name correctly ? Won’t he be photographed ! Tus wit pe Done wirn Him. He will be photographed in several cartes —each utterly unlike the other—in hi» fat and lean states, with and without his crown and in and out of his Court cow-tails. He will be taken as the trade-mark for a new “‘ South African Relish.” He will appear as the principal figure in more than one highly imaginary group in more than one of Illustrated papers. His biography will form a substantial part of the padding to the current numbers of several shilling Magazines. For nearly weeks his name will loom large in the ‘ Extra-Parliamentary utterances” of all the less responsible members of the roy He will be missing, like the Cabul mas- | sacre, from Lord Beaconsrie.y’s first rural oration. an a mat swarthy physiognomy appear and disappear in ao dissolving view, at the Royal Polytechnic Institution. He will enlist the sympathies of man thousands of well-meaning people, who wil! take the deepest interest in him for near! y a month, He will appear in effigy at Madame Tvs- savup’s, and continue as an addition to that most perennial of exhibitions until his wax asa for a newer novelty and more ing sensation. iad lee-te will be forgotten ! AN anyone say P— Will he be sent to the Tower ? Will rooms be taken for him at CLARIDGR’s ? Will he be ban- nished toCyprus! Will he join the circle assem- bled at Hughen- den Manor’? Will he be mobbed some Sunday soon at the Zulu-logical Gardens ? Will he be re- leased on parole, and enjoy the privilege of gaz- Ping at his own effigy at Madame Tussaun’s? Will he be car- ried captive in he I Mayor’s

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. (Serreuper 27, 1879. WHO SHALL SAY THE RACE OF BRILLIANT TALKERS IS EXTINCT ? Festive Host (confidentially, to Lady on his right). ‘‘ It HAS CONSTANTLY SUGGESTED ITSELF TO ME, Mrs. Brown, THAT—ER—THAT THE REASON WHY THE W£ATHER—ER—AFFORDS 80 FRUITFUL A TOPIC OF CONVERSATION AMONGST ENGLISH PROPLE, Is—RR—IS THAT rue Ev@lish CLIMATE 18 SUBJECT TO—ER—TO RAPID VARIATIONS, WHICH CANNOT BE FORESEEN, 80 TO SPEAK!” The Same (to Lady on his left, also confidentially). ‘‘ As I was JUST OBSERVING TO Mas. Brown, If HAS FREQUENTLY OCCURRED TO MY MIND, Mas. Jones, THAT—ER—THAT THE REASON WHY—ER—WHY THE WEATHER, IN SHORT, FURNISHES 80 INEXHAUSTIBLE A rHEME OF DISCUSSION TO—ER—TO BRITISH PEOPLE, IS—ER—NO DOUBT—ER—THAT 1HE CLIMATE OF THE BuitisH IsLEs 18 LIABLE, 80 10 SPEAK, TO—ER—TO SUDDEN MUTATIONS, WHICH WE CANNOT CALCULATE UPON BEFOREHAND/"” The Same (loud, across the table, to festive Hostess). ‘‘My Love—rzr—as | WAS ONLY JUST OBSERVING TO Mrs. Brown, AND—ER— ro Mus. Jones, IT HAS FREQUENTLY, AND INDEED CONSTANTLY, SUGGESTED ITSELF TO MY MIND, THAT THE REASON WHY—ER—WHY rmE—THE /) ZATHER, IN POINT OF FACT, SHOULD—ER—SHOULD FURNISH 80 FRUITFUL A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION, AND AFFORD 80 INEX- HAUSTIBLE A THEME OF CONVERSATION AMONGST—ER—AMONGST THE INHABITANTS OF THE Britisu IsLes, MAY—ER—MAY POSSIBLY BE OWING TO THE PECULIARITY THAT THE—ER—WELL, THE CLIMATE OF THE UNITED KINGDOM 18 LIABLE, AND SUBJECT, 80 TO SPEAK, TO SUDDEN VARIATIONS, WHICH CANNOT BE CALCULATED UPON BEFOREHAND, AND TO—ER—10 RAPID MUTATIONS, IN SHORT, WHICH— ER—WHICH WE CANNOT—ER—FORESEE /” the information I can give you at present. I must break off for the WAR CORRESPONDENCE OF THE FUTURE. present, as my Sergeant-Major wants to speak to me. (Sruicrty PRoressionat.) Tuesday or Wednesday—or is it Thursday ? . . , : I RESUME m mn and my letter. As it ha s, my Sergeant- By Punch’s own Clairvoyant Captain.) Major needn’t Love bothered me; but Ri cme & fei “4 who is we Acting-Captain gets called away from his newspaper work, it is no ene a aa iiatty easy smatter to ost back to it. 1 do wish that the General had left , dt this kind of work to the regular old hands, who were uptoit. | I must apologise for the vagueness of my address and doubtful- asked my Sergeant to relieve me of the job, but he was mutinous, ness of my date, and also for my long silence, which has been caused and wouldn’t. If we were not in front of the enemy, I should bring by my military duties. However complimentary the selection, 1am him before the C. 0. for insubordination. Unluckily, there is not half pleased thet the General commanding has detailed me a5 | nothing, as far as I can find, in the Articles of War or the Queen’s your Correspondent, in the absence of the regular civilian fellows, Regulations about refusing to write letters to newspapers. | who have been drilled into that sort of thing. But I suppose the ell, we marched here, after striking our last encampment. By public would not be satisfied unless they received some account of the way, I haven’t told you how we came to strike our encampment. our doings at the front! You may rely upon the intelligence I send This will interest your readers. Well... . you—as lar as it goes. | Thought so! Just as I am settling down to my letter, here comes Our 4 are to 3 - yor wee A to fasta, ond, ust venture nd ba ** Officer’s call.” Must cut pen and ink for the present. comments cr opinions. 1am Acting-Captain of m —rather - . an arduous duty for a subaltern of two years’ latent know | Either Friday or Saturday. that we masched here; but as I have not oa able to get hold of a For the last day or two I really haven’t known whether I have map of the country, | have no idea where we are. There are some | been standing on my head or my heels. I should like you to be the trees in the distance, and something like an encampment of the i ey go of a Company, knowing as little about it, too, as I euemy, but as | cannot leave my men to make inquiries, this is all | did when | began, and you would soon see how impossible it is to do — ——EEE

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Serremner 27, 1879.

’ “ ] i _——— a - — OY \\ Wij ‘ \ . Y a < A BLACK “WHITE ELEPHANT.” Joun Bott (puzzled), “‘ HE’S COST ME ENOUGH TO CATCH HIM! AND NOW I’VE GOT HIM, WHAT AM I TO DO WITH HIM?” Tae Great F-n1nt (with alacrity), “‘ MIGHT 1 SUGGEST THE AQUARIUM?”

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Serremper 27, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — 141 your duty to your men, and yet find time for writing to a newspaper ! Of course pen and ink have had to go to the wall. Still, as I have been told off to act as your Corre dent, I am | not going to get into a row by disobeying orders. So here I am at | my pothooks again. ae : | _ As Acting-Captain of the rear Company of a battalion in a middle | brigade, [ have not the smallest notion where we are. That must | be clear enough. Asa Subaltern of two years’ standing, and not | the General Commanding in Chief, I haven’t the faintest idea where we are marching to, or what we are going to do. That must be clearer still—now mustn’t it ? I may, however, tell you that there has been a rumour—— By Jove! the assembly is sounding! Must break off to fallin! Ta ta! Sunday (know it’s Sunday— Church Parade this morning). We have had a lot of fighting. I don’t know whether we won or not. I faney the former, but you can never tell. All I know is, my Company behaved splendidly. Of course I could not see what we were doing. I am dead tired, but jot down these lines as I know you would like to hear from me. If I get any more news before post | time, I will send it you. Good bye for the present. ET APRESP Puncna eels, R. bulk of his fellow- countrymen, that there is nothing to be done with Ca- bul, at the present moment, but to take it. As, how- ever, he _ thinks that a British Army may find less difficulty in taking it than in knowing what to do with it when they have got it, he publishes a few “‘ suggestions ”’ on the subject, which may come in extremely use- ful before next spring. Lord Lytton. The easiest thing in the world. We have ~ only to establish . there at once a \ Perfumery Em- porium, , Casino, Circus, Opéra Comique, one or two Clubs, and , push on the new frontier to the Oxus. The sooner they know this at St. Peters- burg the better. As to the Ameer, I propose to give him a satin dressing-gown, a diamond ring, a volume of my poems in vellum, and attach him to my suite. Mr. Parnell. These - .-¥: are a simple, kindly, harmless, and constitutional people. he country should be incorporated in “‘ reginerated Ireland,” and send a Member, with all his travelling a paid, to the Home-Rule Convention in Dublin. _ Lhe Emperor of Russia, Let a line be drawn straight through the city with a cannon-shot, and Russian troops oceupy one half, British the other. They may then divide the contents of the Treasury be- tween them. Here would be, at once, a truly scientific frontier for both of us. Lord Bi id, What! More fireworks required? Very well, then, we have only to take the country, and float a new phrase. Say—“ with respectability.” r. Gladstone. It is difficult to define what I would do with Cabul. It is more difficult to conjecture what I would not do with it. But it is most diffieult to face these two alternatives, and de- liberately hazard neither one nor the other. Here is good, stubborn, and ponderous material for a Nineteenth Century article. Much comes to him who knows how to weight. Sir Bartle Frere. Only let me get back from Afriea—J’ll show you what to do with it! Mr. Toole. Why not give it to the Bard ? Lord Crantveoh. 1 appear to have ridden the high horse a little too hastily. Still, I am quite open to conviction. In fact, when we do get to I shall be extremely obliged if anybody will tell me what on earth I ought to do next. Mr. John Bull. Get out of mess we ought never to have t into; and after due punishment of those whom we find to blame wor the massacre trust natural against scientific frontiers for the uture, THE FALLING OF THE CURTAIN. Tur capture of King Cerewar novmne ee ta finish— — a permanent one to ey ¥ a Natt wil doubtless thing event, a@ is now under : tances, by tond publie endiiont wert jaye rt Mr. h leaves it to others to the fi material es it to others segue ala i hi and d though he has all three of feels it duty, however, at once to portent ere ¢ y whole, he i for t at the disposal o ih, os a up :— - In Toanxrot Co¥meMonATION Of the close Or tar Zutv Wan, Unnecessary, costly, And, at disastrous. ow To the untrant vagaries of a farsightedness Philosophically independent of consequences. It enabled Sir Bante Faene To write kindly and encouraging! ° To the Colonial _ While adding the sum o TEN MILLIONS STERLING umiliation, t In spite of the hetoism and endurance Or Batrisn Soiprers, In a grave crisis, Which astonished the Duke of Camprin6r Drove Ur, KusseLt into the arms of the Daily Telegraph, But rescued Sir Garnet Weems from Cyprus Lord Caetusrorp from a task pogend his strength. Ultimately taken in hand With en and judgment, It was wound up by the capture Or THe Farrest Savacr Sourn oy tne Equator. Thus closing a fallacious policy By the acquisition of a new and permanent attraction At the Aquarium, While bringing home To the profound satisfaction of the British Taxpayer, To be rewarded with a Statue at Madame Tussaud’s, Tue Great Proconsut or nis Time. A grateful Country, Willing to acknowledge, in the midst of much misfortune, One undisputed public benefit, Has raised this Monument In Memory Of one of the Costliest Blunders Of Modern Times. Game of ‘‘Give and' Take.” (Only two can play.) He, “ It is sweeter to give than receive.” Of a whi doubtless is true, But of ng I cannot believe It holds good, till 1’ve tried it. Can you? She. 1 f+ know Ry. 's ry ve ve, so come to proof é prop. Both. Then you give, and I'll take, and we ll leavé The one to decide, who cries “ Stop!” [N.B.—There is no end to this game. é A Lowe we mAv2 wissen re“ Atian’s Awtr-Fat” Anvtrnrie- uent.—Great reduction on taking a quantity.

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PUNCH, OR THE = SAN WY a ¥ t . ud Ve » a° f, i. Nar a. ' Bea SS =~ Ng 4 t* yY- AESTHETIC PRIDE. Fond Mother. *‘You Live Too MUCH ALoNE, ALGERNON!” Young Genius (Poet, I'ainter, Sculptor, dc.). “Tis Better so, Moturr! jestpEs I ONLY CARE FOR THE SOCIETY OF MY EQUALS, AND—A—SUCH BEING THE CASE—A—MY CIRCLE IS NECESSARILY RATHER LIMITED.” Fond Mother, ‘‘ But sURELY THE SOCIETY OF YoUR SuPrERIOns——” Young Genius. ‘‘My wuatr, Motuen! My Soperiors/ WHERE THEY !!!” ARE BETSY THE AVENGER, Wuicu to snivel of merey is muck, and to ’owl about reason is rot ; We must down on ’em like a tornader, and drop on ’em ’eavy and ’ot. Shall 0 Gouget of the faith we purfess cause the red heel of wengeance to alt ? No! Slorter the murderous ’ordes, sow the site of their city with salt ! How durst they dispute what we said, or how durst they resist what we did ? The whole duty of seum sech as them is to do as BrrTaNNyER may bid. Though we sent ’em an Enwoy they loathed, their own rule of respect for a guest Should have taught the dark demons to cherish the man their black hearts might detest. Are they Britons that patriot zeal shall be granted to cover their sins, Or the pretext of national sperrit purtect their infernal black skins ? Are we Rooshians that cribbing their land should be counted to us as a crime, Or the swoop of the strong on the feeble seem anythink short of sublime ? Shall the fiends who ’d resist our advances be looked on as land-loving men ? Shall the black-hided, black-hearted dogs be let stand in the way of my Ben ? Eh? our vengeance like Christians? No! Hew ’em as AGAaG was ewed, Nor pause till each blade in our ’ands with the blood of a score is imbrued. Blood! blood: Only that shall wipe out the red stain with a redder one yet. Don’t whimper to me of calm justice, nor prate about ruth or regret. Till the slayers are slain, and the ery of their anguige through Asia shall peal, The only right reckonin ’s fire, and the only sound argyment’s steel. LONDON CHARIVARI. | My ’brel | Till the cheek o [Serremper 27, 1879. Betsy Pric’s on the war-path! Who pules in a wile J sperrit of pity ? a pints wengefully on to the sack of that foul faithless rp each sooty-skinn’d ’ound at the sight of our ’olocaust pales, with her Scales ? | Blind Justice’s Sword is enough ; what have we got todo HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. (Being a Dickens of a Dickshunary for the use of Visitors to the Metropolis.) FOLLY THEATRE.—Used at different times as a Place of Worship, a House of Entertainment (specially Mr. Wooprn’s, who, though he was Woodin, wasn’t a bit of a stick), and, lastly, as a Theatre, where, as the Hexameter Poet might sing— “ Used to sing and play the sparkling Lyp1a Tuompson,” and where, afterwards, appeared Madame Doraro. But Madame Dotty Left the Folly, and now it is said that Mr. J. L. Toote is to become its proprietor. His favourite piece for the last year has been A Fool and his Money; and perhaps for the opening night we shall see a fool and his money at the Folly. This seems poe ae“ The wise man has said, ** Answer a Fool according to his Folly ;” but, in this instance, 4 Fool may make his Folly answer. Will he change the name, and, as it’s quite close to ‘‘ the Gar- den,” call it The Toole House? Or will he get the Board ef Works to alter the name of the street, and call it J. L. Tooley Street? However, ’tis not yet fixed, we believe, that it is Let to Toole, but it certainly has been for some time To L-et. If he’s going to produce a French piece—not Ici on parle—he must take great care that the scene is not laid in Toulouse. It would be awkward for the popular comedian to enter in a tourist suit, and have for his first speech, ‘I’m bound for Toulouse.” Absit omen—or, as our livel neighbours in Leicester Square have it—‘‘ Absinthe, nf men ! ’—wh didn’t J. L. T. take Drury Lane? There he’d have h scope. No matter. We'll all rejoice when ‘‘ Jonnny comes marching home ”—for he “* always comes home to tea. FOREIGN OFFICE.—Well worth a visit. Office for everything foreign. Representatives of every nation on every floor. China on the shelves, and documents in pigeon-English in the pigeon-holes. French commis- sioners sit here daily, to grant passes to people wishing to take French leave. Three married couples on the entresol represent the United States. The Greek em- ployés are up in the Attic. Turkey in the back yard: feeding-time, three to four. A clerk, full of business, and always in a hurry all over the place, represents the Czar of allthe Rushers. A rope of onions waves over the Spanish department—motto, *‘Give ’em rope enough.” Holland is represented by the noble owner of a Duch with his lovely and accomplished Dutch-cheese dressed in Brown Holland, and wearing a Dutch tile. Notice the request: ‘ Blease not do dutch the Vigures.” Be very polite, or he will show you his Dutch courage if once put on his Dutch metal. Chaff him, and he’ll return with Sauce Hollandaise. There are many more curiosities—too numerous to be described ; and no visitor to London should leave without —y the F.O. In fact. he would be unworthy of the name of an Englishman if he were afraid to face the F. O. FOUNDLING HOSPITAL.—See Foundlings, on Sun- days. Dear little mites! Every visitor is requested to bring his mite with him, and leave it. Nowhere is mite more right than here. FRIENDLY SOCIETIES,—See Aquantum, Evans’s Promenade Concerts, &e. Also, see QUAKERS an ULUS. GAIETY THEATRE.—Devoted to the highest kind of dramatic entertainment. The highest and the kindest are to be seen in the burlesques for which this is now the noted house. Beaucoup de fées—pas de “‘ fees.” The latter ballet was originally invented by Mr. Joun HottrvesueaD. ‘The natty Gaiety ouvreuses would as soon think of taking the visitor’s two-and-sixpence as

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_ PUNCH, | Serresnen 27, 1879.] OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. f este Lee yag &F a A ay . aa hg Hint EVIDENCE OLFACTORY. Angelina (scientific), ‘* Do YoU #MELL THE IoDINE FROM THE SgA, Epwin ? Old Salt (overhearing). ‘‘ WHAT YOU SMELL AIN’T THE Sea, Mise. Isn’T IT REFRESHING 2” It’s THE TowNn-DRAINS AS FLOWS OUT JuUsT ’EKE!”’ Lord BEAcons¥IELD would of accepting Tracy TURNERELLI’s crown. The name of Mr. Eowarp Terry is now so thoroughly associated with _ stage, on it has come to be looked on as his terry-tory or his vy — He is no relation to Miss Terry or Mr. Terris, though oes seem a little mys-terry-ous. Though His-terry repeats tut Our Terry doesn’t. All this is highly in-terry-esting. As for Miss NELuie Fszren—well, the public would miss Neri FarReN if she weren’t there. There’s not an inch to spare in the house when there ’s a Nell and two feet on the stage. That she is as sprightly as the liveliest French actress, is to be accounted for by her | being of farren extraction. The eon 3 ." Miss Kate VaveHan is deservedly Vaunted. When she vorn’t there she was still more vaunted, J “— from her activity, se is strong, though she looks a little vorn Royce is invaluable, specially when he appears as a lively viveur or a Royce-terer. ble and trains on a spare diet of bold royce ry He doesn’t dance unless there’s an r in the month. “‘ That’s my rule,” he explains to the other Rutz in Maiden Lane, “‘ because it’s not your oyce-sfir season.” In the lobby of the theatre there is a great display of pic- torial art—also ractical Hart in the ‘ain dtd of of the Mana t an the walls, and a fine specimen of elegan Then ase are The Stalls are comfortable, and the fumes are “various Gaiety theatres over the civilised world, but by byt this ‘‘ the bey 3 | nations is eclipsed.” As the hymn of the “Church and Stage Guild ” has it— « —" let the laity Go to the Gaiety!” GARRICK CLUB.—An Association of literary and dramatic celebrities, as also of singers and composers—in fact, anybody of any note. The hall is lighted by the eee of the members, while am, n jokes, bon bon mots, ge witticisms e and crackle all over things are on the si novedl and in ae aa Here is a comedian lunching off ‘‘a bit of fat,’ He is an indefati cer, tragedian is at a side-table cutting a joke. The trés sec wine of hy — Pomméry in the glasses, and the library shelves le the eye with their splendid diamond editions, Here at the side-tables ~ musical critics having their knife into a round another is picking a bone with a popular com- are writing their indefinite are passing the Post, while a messenger from the great Jupiter has just called for a leader—which may turn out to be, like its mytholo —_ —--4" a Miss-Leda. The Hall | itself is an Exchange of Wit, where you hear the latest quotations. The Committee are distin ished by their costume of the time of | Garrick—being all fom in garrick-ter. In the billiard-room all the members dress as Paul when they play Pool. The only = gage! is the card-room, Mt over this door is the appropriate word, “‘ Paz.” Through the Aristophanic clouds of the smoking- room it is difficult to see a joke. Should you come in late, and miss | og | it you will be told that *‘ it is jest gone.” The best day for strangers to visit the Garrick is Wit = A BRITISH BALLAD. (Inspired by a recent Correspondence.) I cannor sing the old songs, Although you get them cheap ; Pathetic, pany bold songs— Oh yes, we have a heap. But if ou watch the litt e birds As I have done, you’ll see Their aim is not to give on words, But to touch their upper So bring me strains from jf lands, In tongues that no one understands! You say, “‘ Then try the new songs ; They ’re elegant indeed. Why not select a few songs Pooh! Songs ain’t meant to read! You talk of ** tears,” and never weep, But sweetly smile instead ; And when you have to whisper “ You shout to wake the dead. So give us still, from foreign lands, The Songs that no one understands ! Sort ~~ A nar Suittine Prece.—A Bibob. A Crown might be called a F on” sleep,” | | | | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Serremper 27, 1879, THE SPHINX ON SHAM. “Sham,—a stupid word generally used by stupid people.”—Lord Braconsrigip ef Aylesbury. bY AV LESBVR DAIRY COMPANY LIMITED LL is not ters Is all success on bul- lion built ? Most dullards deem that men, po es and surface gilt. MY. LORS. Oe eee AT + AYLESBVRY . It foes them taough, would they confess, ran) pane tho cast af ged Tam— owy yet assured success TAWhick stupid people call a Sham. id‘ that glit- Fudge! The cant of satire on the lips Of foolish failure moves my mirth. False glitter? Well, its gleams eclipse Their muddy wits, "their souls of earth. Dull, dowdy elf flouts porcelain fine, Because ’tis gilded. All mere flam ! There’s virtue in the show and shine Which stupid people call a Sham. A land of dullards to illume, A world of grovellers to inspire, Were weary work, Let zealots fume Of quickening light or purging fire ; To dazzle is an easier task.’ Tact tickles folly’s diaphragm, And mimes and wears the modish mask, Which stupid people call a Sham. A stupid word by dulness shaped, Blind spite’s poor substitute for wit. When duncedom satire ’s scourging aped, The borrowed lash no longer bit. For what but gulls were groundlings sent ? Is folly’s crop not made to cram ? Tact triumphs, and is well content, Though stupid people call it Sham! BULLS, WELSH AND IRISH. Bestpes the typical Bull, to which the typical English- man, Mr. Jonn Butx, corresponds, there exist, in the United Kingdom, distinct national varieties of the Bos Tuvrus, Welsh Bull, for instance, is po a J said to have peculiarities of conformation and colour quite itsown. And yet the North Wales Guardian, in an account of an anniversary celebration lately held at St. Mary’s Church, Cefn, informs us that :— ** At three o’clock a children’s service was conducted by the Rector, and an excellent address given by the Rev. Lu. Jonzgs. The English service was in Welsh.’ Here is an example of the Bos Cymricus in no way to be distinguished from the Bos Hibernicus, Tue FLrower or THE Frocx.—The Collie-flower, of course. CETEWAYO. To the Editor of Punch, —As we all peogw thet Punek is a lo Ty’ jonmal, and devoted to the interests of England, I solicit wl aad i in stving publicity to I have to propose for © peying the expenses of the Zulu that Cerewayo be given into m Tam Sounened yy hire as attendants on His Majesty the Zalus now showing at the uarium. m. engage to dress H.M. in regal robes, after the fashion of his urt. I invite Sir Bantiz Frere, my Lord Cuetusrorp, and Captain Caney, to accompany the party on a tour through Great Britain, the United States of Ane an | nti ome ect v respect to rding to their pediiiens and I engage thet no person shall be allowed in the Royal resence unless furnished with cards issued at 2 ae, falf the proceeds of sale of such cards to be paid into the ritish treasury, the other half go i in liquidation of ro he expenses ; the cards to become the property of ae, be countersigned by H. M. Cerewaro, my Lord HELMSFORD, Sir yo FRERE, and Captain Carey. t seems ey me that such an exhibition will be at once agreeable to Go a. advantageous to the British nation, and profitable to mayecss. J. Banwum, of New York. Races and Roguery. An article ag F by val a Times the Brishane tains partial wart Ma cc in New Zealand, and the P ts c ne Meeet race in New races that fast decaying from ay by tri ewmarket, Ascot, and — in decay alike with the De rby. NATURAL HISTORY OF A NUISANCE. Buepears, of course, are now on show, along with other monsters of the dead season. One of the most horrid of these horrid objects is yet physieally minute ; the Phyllorera vastatriz, a pestilent little insect, said to be on the way to destroy the vines in the world. Per’ it had better be called a bugbore than eri epee being in a bore of the first magnitude, although in size consi- pes A smaller than the Norfolk Howard. It belongs, homeven. to another family than that branch of the Howards, a member a the Aphide, though by some supposed to be a novum entomon, or among insects: a creature of yesterday, recently ‘* deye- at * apr ‘* spontaneous generation.” t posbly iy the Phyllozera vastatriz came into existence very though not into notice until lately, when it was brought ah, by the newspapers. As an addition to standard plagues, or, what the Americans call ‘* cusses,” your Phyllozera vastatriz is certainly ‘ something new and strange;” yet, being the nuisance that it is, we cannot ‘therefore as a stranger give it welcome,” but, on the contrary, are compelled to salute it, ‘‘ Unwelcome, little stran tranger!” And yet this odious little Aphis (for which a very proper alas would be Aphis Lawsonii) may be enthusiastically welcomed by the United Kingdom Alliance, as a powerful ally in their warfare against the juice of the vine. CONSOLATION A LA TENNYSON. (For Candidates who have failed to satisfy the Examiners at the last Oxford Examination.) Tus better to have shied and lost Than never to have shied at all, COOLNESS IN EXCELSIS. (At Aylesbury. Apropos of the Cabul Massacre.) * But only silence seemeth best ! "-—Poet Laureate. 4@ To Conzesronpunts.— The Editor does not hold hi-nself bound to acknowledge, return, stamped and directed envelope. or pay for Contriutions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a Copies should be kept.

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Ocroner 4, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 145 A VOICE FROM THE WEST. Meister Ponca, T’oTHER day, ridin’ roun’ o’ th’ varm, I com’d t’ me furdest, an’ there, Awver hedge, Zur, I zeed neighbour Cox, a-stampin’ an’ tearin’ his yhair! — Zes I, “‘ Witteum,” zes I, “‘ what be-st at? Be-st a so’tpoll, or gotten a vit?” Zes he, ‘‘ Jere,” zes he, “I can’t stand’t; thof, min, I can stan’ a good bit! See this ’ere galvanerised wire (cost a shillun a yard: an’ not chip). __ I run’d it all round o’ dtheiis vatches, that be laid up vor veedin’ th’ ship ; An’ yonder ’s dthick copse, vull o’ rabbits, they ’ve yeaten a yicre, an’ moore, Enuf vor t’ kip vor a month o’ me yeowes an’ me lambs ye pe scoore ! When I zeed it I know’d ’twere no use nor th’ copse nor th’ rabbits to bleiime, Vor th’ copse me Lord teakes yor his use, an’ I mu’n’t hev noo hands wi’ noo ame ; So zes Eto myself, then, zes I, I’ll goo buy zum o’ dthick netted vence,— T’ seave + ’s me own is noo crime, nor ’et goin’ agin common sense,— Zo I run’d it all roun’, as ye see, a me Lord’s copse an’ my crops, An’ I thowt I’d a-done a good dthing, when th’ varmin so neatly I stops, ’Ithout interruptin’ me Lord, ’ithout yagent or kip r upset, An’, thof th’ cost were a tax upon me, I were gl ’d a-thowt o’ th’ net. Well! dtheiis mornin’, a blarm’d lawyer’s-letter, a spun out so long as me yarm, I’ve a-got, zayin’, ‘ teake down th’ vence, or else you mid ’spect quit th’ varm !’ Ef it war’n’t vor th’ missus an’ kids, teake un down, min, Dwdet, I swear! I can’t dthink o’t, ecod! vor t’hot ’s a-bilin’ th’ roots o’ me yhair !”’ Then, sez I to un, ‘‘ Witteum,” zes I, ‘ now don’t ’e gitten zo wroth, Do’e keep a still tongue ’twixt the’ teeth, an’ the’ breath vor a-coolin’ the’ broth ; Thee ’st a nasty an’ radical sperit, thus the’ betters t’ virk an’ defy ; Thy Bible ’ill tell ’e thee ’st wrong 5 to art Cwsar his due to deny.” ‘*Gie to Caesar his due!” then he d. ‘* Why I pays un his rent, to be sure! He ’s A-GoT THE BEST END 0’ TH’ STICK; ’TISN’T HONEST T’ GRASP ZO MUCH MOo6RE! Well, now, thof I’d a-snub’d Neighbour Cox, as I jogg’d along back I tuk heed O’ his case, that ’twere hard lines vor he, an’ that ef a chance mid be zeed T’ help th’ leame dog awver stile, I’d a-zort-o a-vowed I ’uld ww When, comin’ along o’ th’ road, who, b’th’ powers o’ good luck, sh’d I spy But our young Meister, Hon’rable Dicx—-last election we’d meade an M.P.— An’ I up, an’ I stedted th’ case, an’ I fitted th’ cap to a T. But, lawd! I fun’ out, in a trice, I’d a-mefde a mistake, an’ noo end! Thof at ‘lection he’d twold I, be zure, if ’at ever I mid want a friend, T’ speak to un, an’ zo I meade bwold ; but th’ way as he zuck’d his moustache, An’ screw’d up his eye-glass at I, I’d a-sooner a-velt his whip-lash A-dra’d smartly aeross o’ me thigh ! , I zes as I hoped noo offence : Then ’e smil’d, an’ ’e hum’d, an’’e haw’d—‘‘Oh, why, Sma’none, for this wretched fence, Round the tares, and the turnips, and stuff, I can’t see there’s the smallest pretence ; You farmers have more than And my father won’t let men 4 just how they choose. Ta-ta!”’ zes he, ‘‘ Sma’Bone! ’—an’ off, wi’ his spurs i’ th’ flanks o’ his cob, An’ ’e left I—well, hang it!—I’ll own, dumb-founder’d, a-seratchin’ me nob! JERE SMALLBONE. of such things that you weally can’t use ; land to go fartaleg it MICHAELMAS “GEESE.” Tose who imagine Lord Braconsrietp will dissolve Parliament, and = ad the perils of a General Election, one hour before he is legally com- pelled. Those who carefully read through to the end all the speeches which are delivered in ‘‘ Parliament out of Session.” Those who send back their growing sons and daughters to schools high in their terms but low in their diet, Those who look forward to the extinction of Co-operative Associations, and anticipate the renewed subjugation of the British housekeeper to the British shopkeeper. Those who voluntarily undergo all the expense, worry, discomfort, and dis- ogpeintmant of flitting, without some overwhelming inducement, or positive tage. Those who contemn the finest of all arts—the Art of Domestic Cookery. Those who, in this era of cheap, good, and abundant stationery, persist in crossing their making their correspondents cross. (This admonition is peptenierty accented to the best—with all its faults—sex in the world.) ( ) who fail to see that their true policy is to give discount to ready-money customers genuine wares to all. Those who subscribe to destruction funds in the cause of ‘‘ restoration.” _Those who drink, and allow their children to drink, watered or adulterated — when they can readily procure an abundant supply of the genuine article. Those who dream of the return of Protection. Those who style themselves Canons and Prebendaries, when they are nothing more ones. Those who devour the sacred bird on the feast of St. Michael, whether it agrees with them or not. try in a London back garden, and please themselves Those who k with the thought the hobby will pay. Those who grumble at School Boards and the cost of the education they are diffusing throughout the country to the incalculable benefit of our England of the future. Those who expect any good from the present Parlia- ment. Those (women) who adopt the ruling fashions in dress, whether they become or disfigure them. . ee who pester Punch with jokes about Cerewayro, c., &e, WHAT THE WILD WAVES ARE SAYING. (At various Sea-side Resorts.) THAT mortals are a queer grega- rious crowd, With very funny ways of wooing Na- ture : That cheap ex- cursionists are mostly loud, Slangy of speech, and strange of no- menciature : That ’ARRIeT, though an un- lovely lass, Is vastly the superior of : "ARRY; \, And that the lat- Y ter ne’er looks \\ such an ass WA" As when a tele- scope he tries , to carry : That Cockney sailors might make Plutas laugh, And wake the loud derision of old Neptune : That sea-side Niggers shine in vulgar chaff : That sea-side bands, if German, ne'er yet kept tune : That English lasses, loose-tressed midst the brine, Are lovelier far than classic Nymphs and Sirens : That sea-side ‘‘ spoons” all spout that sounding line— About the Ocean’s mane—of ‘‘ dear Lord Bynon’s:”’ That Ocean ’s vulgarised by snobs and shrimps: That man ne’er tires of idly tossing pebbles : That British boys are sauc little imps : And British girls bewitching little rebels : That British tradesmen, even by the sea, Are sadly given to talking shop and twaddling : That bathers’ manners are a little free: That fancy can’t conceive a Nereid waddling : That curiosity seems strangely fed When it in traveller’s troubles finds its diet : That Swelldom, when of fashion not in dread, Oft lets its Cad proclivities run riot. That stuck-up posings on the ocean’s marge Impress one as an anserine sort of folly : That rollicking Vulgarity at large Makes taste turn sick at the mere name of “‘ jolly :” That though old Neptune’s gorge looks pretty wide, ’Tis nothing to the gauge of Cockney throttles : That, fe too ad ¢p Banden the en tite + tetel it nes, and greasy r, bungs, and bottles: That kissing Beauty’s fest bun no disgrace, But laving some foul cads makes Ocean shudder : That man’s a marvel when he blacks his face, And makes a row, and calls his partner ‘’ brudder:” That promenading on a long damp pier Might be considered dull, if not the fashion : That human faces wear expressions queer When flounder-bobbing or declaring jon : Lastly, that Neptune loves the sea-washed isle Which prides itself so on its insularity, But finds it somewhat difficult to smile On Swell’s vapidity or Snob’s vulgarity. “STAND FAST, CRAIG ELLACHIE!” (With Punch’s compliments to Sir George Macpherson Grant.) How they swear now in Morayshire—‘‘ By George,” not “ By Jingo.” VOL. LXXVII.

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NCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL = N ey (2 ~ [Ocroper 4, 1879. ( —-_ SS ( ——— yp» g “OUR MR. POLYPHEMUS.” ** The Polyphemus will be the newest development of war-ship. Latest Naval Keport. The Classical Mr. Polyphemus. ‘‘ Way, tt USED TO BE ALL My Eve.” A VOICE FROM THE SEA. Mr. Punca, Sie, CAN searcely write for indignation! I have been grossly and cruelly libelled! For the last thirty years I have been a bene- factor, during the dead season, to the British Public in general, and | the Editors of newspapers in ticular. Not one of my enemies can point toa year in which J have failed to keep my en ments. | And yet use this season I was a little late, a gen ery has | been raised that I have shirked my responsibilities! It has been | said over and over again that although September had arrived, I | would never put in an eqoetnanes) But I have been amply vindi- | cated. I can only say that if I had known what was g said about me behind ~ back, my advent would have been sooner. | Mr, Punch, Sir, you. You are the only man to whom I would , to offer an explanation. You may perhaps wish to learn | 7 visit to the shores of England has been this year delayed. Well, Sir, I have no objection to gratifying your very pardonable She will carry no guns, trusting entirely to her ram and her torpedoes.” — Our Mr. Polyphemus. ‘‘ Au, sur 1T’s ALU MY NosE now!” curiosity. Sir, here is my case. I have heard that this year all the watering-places in England have been simply detestable. 1 have been told that the rain rained every day; that ’Arry and ’ARRIETIE have had it all their own way on the Piers and the Sands, and that the boarding-house keepers and pre rietors of apartments have been twice as extortionate as usual. Under these circumstances I thought to myself, ‘** Why should I not try a new place?” But what new place? Ah, there was the rub! But to those who dare, nothing is impossible. You may know that, as a bachelor, I have little luggage. I have not to look after a wife’s boxes filled with a score of different costumes, or a child's perambulator. Without an ounce of impedimenta I could go any- where, and I took full advantage of my liberty. Sir, I have dis- covered a new watering-place !—a perfect watering-place ! I will deseribe it to yon—_saantivelg. It isa free from un- comfortable hotels, dirty lodgings, and overcrowded boarding-houses. The bathing is excellent, as there are no rickety machines with wet and sandy floors. There are no German bands, Italian organ-

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Octroper 4, 1879.) PUNCH, grinders, nor mechanical aplgne-siagere. There is no intensely Provincial Company acting in a stuffy little As there is no temple of the Drama of any sort, fourth-rate “* London Stars” never fill engagements “ for six nights only.” There are no adulterating grocers, dishonest butchers, nor poisoning wine-mer- chants. The company is the selectest in the world. There are no matrons, fast young ladies, nor unpleasant old maids, Rain 1s un- known, and the climate is unique, There, Mr. Punch, surely such a description should make your mouth water! And you want the direction? Well, I have no objec- tion to giving it you. The only stipulation I would make is, that you do not send too many people. All you have to do is to take a balloon, and go to—the North Pole! And now, as we live in a sceptical age, let me furnish you with a proof that I have kept my annual engagement. .‘‘ Seeing is believ- ing;” but as I am not particularly fond of company, I do not very often afford an ‘‘ ocular demonstration ” of my Pog me But this will suffice. I quote from the Times of Sept. 24th : “Captain J. F. Cox, master of the British ship Privateer, which arrived at Delaware Breakwater on the 9th inst. from London, says :—‘ On the 5th ult., 100 miles west of Brest (France), weather fine and clear, at 5 p.m., as I was walking the quarter-deck, looking to windward, I saw something black rise out of the water about 20 feet, in shape like an immense snake, about three feet in diameter. It was about 300 yards from the ship, coming towards us. Ir | turned its head partly from us, and went down with a great splash, after staying up about five seconds, but rose again three times, at intervals of ten seconds, until it had turned completely from us, and was going from us with t speed, and making the water boil all round it. I could see its eyes and shape perfectly. It was like a great eel or enake, but as black as coal! | tar, and appeared to be making great exertions to get away from the ship. I have seen many kinds of fish in five different oceans, but was never favoured with a sight of the great sea snake before.’ "’ And, having sent you this, allow me to sign | myse Your faithful friend and admirer, Tue OLp OrternaL Sea-SERPENT. Not far from Brest, France. Village Deetor (to TO SEE YOU IN THIS | | | Wirnu Poncn’s THanks To Mr. BuckMAsTER. —Addition to the Three R’s.— Roasting. “LIVE AND LET LIVE.” the Grave-Digger, who is given lo Whiskey). *‘ An, Joun! I'm sonny PITIABLE CONDITION AGAIN!” Grave-Digger. ‘‘ Toots, Sin! CAN YE NO’ LET A’E LITTLE Fav't 0’ MINE GAE BY! | It’s MONY A MUCKLE ANE 0’ yours I HA’E HAPPIT OWRE, AN’ SAID NARTHING ABooT!”’ ! = HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. (Being a Dickens of a Dickshunary for the use of Visitors to the Metropolis.) GLOBE THEATRE.—(See Crocnrs pr CornEvIttr.) GUILDHALL.— Originally occupied by the two bachelor Giants, Goe and Macoa, whose effigies still adorn the interior. The beauti- ful crypt was originally in for gymnastic exercise: observe the vaulting. In noticing the carving it is difficult to choose which is the best of all the bosses. This apparent equality gave rise to the saying, which has since become a Yankecism — “‘ Are you the boss of this place, or am I ?” HANOVER SQUARE CLUB.—No round games permitted. Hence the The members settle all difficulties amicably among themselves, and are known as the ‘‘ Hanover Squarers.” HAYMARKET THEATRE. —For many years associated with the name of J. B. Bucxstone, old Comedies, and old Actors. The present lessee, the American Comedian, CLARKE, is soon to give it up to 8. Bancrort, Esquire, who is tired of the monotony of making money in the little theatre near Tottenham Court and wants to vary the proceedings. Whether the Haymarket is the best market h x! —-_ ” as the philosopher says, ‘* to be seen.” HERALDS’ COLLEGE.—Well worth a visit. uge Dragon fed every day at three. If as wishes to see the arms of any fami DA let him inquire at the Family Heralds’ Office. m_ SG MAJESTY’S OPERA-HOUSE, — For particulars, see eR Mas ESTY. HOME OFFICE.—Intended as a sort of Club, with suites of residential chambers for foreigners finding themselves houseless and homeless in London. Any visitor unable to obtain a bed at a hotel, should immediately apply here. Night porter always up. No fees. Over the door is inscribed, ‘‘ Wherever we wander, there’s no place like the Home Office.” Any complaints must be made by letter to the Home Secretary, who will see that the comfort of the visitor is secured. | HORSE GUARDS.—Anyone wishing to hire horses, must apply here. The Horse Marines, in dismounted bathing-machines, are always on duty at the gates, to answer all inquiries, The charge for hiring is two-and-sixpence the first hour, and eighteen pence the second, but you may not commence with the latter, except by paying an extra shilling for the privilege. Each of the men has his own articular carriage—which you can notice, but are not allowed to ire. THE HORTICULTURAL SOCIETY.—(See Prants, Portce, &c.) THE HOUSE OF DETENTION. — Commonly known as the House of D.'l.-ention for confirmed Drunkards. Unconfirmed Drunkards are not admitted. HOUSES.—There are several Houses in Londen. Apsley House, |Marlborough House, the House of Lords, House of Commons. The two last are public Houses. There are also Work Houses and Play Houses. There is only one House in the City which is known as |‘ The House,” but the tenants are, apparently, always in difficul- ties, as the Brokers are seldom out of it, and sales are perpetually going on. ; : | HYDE PARK.—Where everyone prefers to ride, drive, or walk, though there isa line of rails all round it. In the centre are the stables of the Humane Society, where the drag is kept. A little | farther on is the office of the Hyde Park M where, when any of the Park-keepers are unwell, they can go an ea little powder. The Serpentine is a large piece of water famous for its serpents (as the name indicates), whence are obtained all the overstock of fish

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 4, 1879.

which go to make the ride called Rotten Roe. The Aristocracy comes here on week-days during the season, and the ’Arry-stocracy on Sundays. It isa great place for meetings of all sorts, from a crushing crowd to a cooing couple. INNS OF COURT.—Ask at the bar. There are only four Inns to describe, which is, however, rather four-inn to our present " IRISH OF FICE.—Motto over the door, ‘‘ Now can I do it, Pat!” —Hamilet. Well worth a visit about luncheon time, on account of its admirable Irish stew. Ask for the Irish Steward, Mr. O’Greepy, and he’ll give you some Moore. Home-rulers on desks. Here ground landlords ean interview ground tenants, and come to some arrangements short of shooting. There is a fine | painting over the mantelpiece, representing Signs of Fine Weather ; | or, A Rent in the Clouds. Also a portrait of the celebrated “ Pig that paid the rent.” Don’t leave without seeing the Chapel, with its beautiful Emerald Aisle.

ADOLPHUS ON PHEASANT-SHOOTING. aS —_ Dy . ce r age << »X wa “a al =~ 43 ae i | m ih) onsrwovs rwot this fad for shoot- in’! Fact is, it’s a shockin’ baw. Fellahs talk a high-falutin’, ravin’ kind of silly jaw, As if everlastin’ faggin’ wound park, “READY, AYE READY!” Mr. Poncu, weary with wading through three columns of “ Naval Intelligence,” d propos of the late Admiralty visit to the Dockyards, had not unnaturally fallen asleep. With the exception of a few insignificant outlying wars, when he slumbered, it was a time of peace. When he awoke, as it seemed to him, ey bee y before him, announcing a European war, in which ali the Great Powers were en k ‘But never mind, Master,” said the faithful dog. “It is nota uestion of armies with us. England’s foes will have to meet her on the seas.” **Come! that at any rate is satisf .” observed Mr. Punch. * But it may be as well to have a talk with Suirn.” ™ — aye ready!” sung out the First Lord of the Admiralty, as he su denly appeared in the sanctum. ‘‘I thought you might want me, Sir ; so you see I have hurried from my tour of Dockyard inspection to wait upon you.” ‘ “ Quite right, Surrn. Take a chair, Surrn. And now to busi- ness. , Dut, t, let me hope you have enjoyed your little official trip ? B so leasant!” cheerfully replied Mr. Surrn. ‘‘ At Portsmouth we had great fun. The poor unfortunate public were chivied through the Dockyard by the Police like a flock of sheep. You should have seen them running away from us as we went to inspect the fire-engines. Ha! ha! ha!” “Yes, yes,” said Mr. Punch, rather impatiently. ‘‘ But what did you do there ?” : Well,” returned the First Lord, after some consideration, “‘ when dinner was over at the Admiral’s, we had the electric light on the lawn (it was rather spoilt by the weather, thongh) ; and then, you know, there was a capital at the Southsea Assembly Rooms. It was only five shillings a head, but we kept it up till three in the morning. ; ** But did you do nothing more?” asked Mr. Punch, with even greater impatience. “To be sure we did. We gave the workmen at Chatham Dock- yard a half-holiday.” “*Come, Sir, no trifling. What else did you do at Portsmouth ?” “ Oh, a lot of things, Bir. But then you see our plage were rather spoiled by the weather. The motion afloat was decidedly unpleasant. It was much better at the Assembly Rooms. The dan gramme “ “Silence, Sir!” interrupted Mr. Punch, sternly. aware that we are engaged in a large maritime war ?” ; “That is news! But nowadays the papers get hold of things long before we do.” “*T have a list before me of our fleet. Now be good enough to answer a i" questions. What do you know about the Royal ce pro- “Are you a y F loorin’ hares, and poultry bag- | Soner gin’, were of lark! P’waps itis. Can’t see’t, how- ever. Birds ain’t bad to eat, when cheap ; Neither’s mutton—but we never seem to think of stalkin’ sheep! Pottin’ beef would be excitin’, and pig-stickin’ ’s quite good form : Boars we know are full of fightin’, and they ’d make it pwetty warm. the pwimest sort Chevyin’ cats is cheap and pleasant ; worryin’ rats is hard to beat ; But where’s the fun of elaughterin’ pheasant, pickin’ tame about our feet ? Ifa fellah wants a pullet, does he bawl for dawg and gun ? If he dwopped her with a bullet, Jove! how fellahs would make fun! *Seems a tarm-yard hand-fed pheasant ’s quite another sort of bird ; If you wrung his neck all present weuld be seweaming out “‘ Absurd!” Puzzles me to guess the weason. Cuwious thing is shooters’ law. aa, | you — I’m talking tweason? Possibly. Don’t know, mM saaw . Pleasures of a Public School. Ar the top of a column of Winchester news stands the annexed paragraph :— “The College Summer Holidays finished on Wednesday, and the Founda- tion scholars, and the Commoners in Tutors’ Houses, returned to their studies and school enjoy ments.” Do the enjoyments of Winchester Schoolboys continue to include “tunding” and being “tunded”? If so, then .- Witt called ykehamists, or WYKeEHAM’s young gentlemen, commonly had better be denominated Whackemists. Stane BeTWeEN OLp Sarnts.—What a shocking bad Nimbus!

‘That it now represents so many tons of old iron.” Mr. Punch frowned. ** What do you say of the Glatton ?” , “‘ That she certainly cannot be relied upon to serve in all weathers, even on our own coasts. But then she is more seaworthy than the os marl *“*Hm! How about the Neptune ?” ‘* Never been able to send her to sea since we took her from the Brazilian Government and re-christened her.” “And the Devastation, the Inflezible, the Repulse, and the Sultan ?”’ ** All of them in dock under repair.” ** They seem to be always under repair,” observed Mr. Punch. “Ah, ironelads are,” replied Mr. Surrn, airily, ‘‘ except when they are building, or breaking up. We have got a lot on the stocks. There ’s the Colossus, for instance. She'll be a splendid vessel some day. And the Polyphemus—with her ram and her torpedos together —she’ll astonish the enemy, you’ll see.” : ** And how many of these vessels are to be costly failures ? ‘I am sure I don’t know!” replied the First . “ AsT read the other day, with lively satisfaction—* The courage of the Admi- ralty must not be dashed by a few mistakes.’” “But what are we in a position to do now, Sir? Are we ready. Sir, in 7“ —— Gl My be said to oy & me Can we depend on your giving us the ships for our money, “ The First Lord wee Cente r. Punch was about to raise his voice in repetition of the question, when in the effort he awoke. **No naval war as yet,” muttered the Sage of . “* Thank the Fates, it was only adream! Under the circumstances, so much the better!” And he returned to his paper—of magnificent pro- mises—with a sigh of genuine relief.

Way are att Cunates Corservattves.—Because a Tory is more than half way to a Reo-tory.

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Ocroper 4, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 149 A CHANCELLOR ON CETEWAYO. (By our own Interviewer.) O, now he is taken, you wish to know what I think Cerewayo? Un- successful as he has been, he is a great man: the test, man in frica,, CETE- WAYO is great in the greatest of knowledges. He knows how to work with blood and > But he ean only carry cut his blood and iron in half measures. Blood he has at command in quite an enviable quantity. But he is not equally well supplied with of | again at Sadowa. The French wanted to wash their bayonets in Germany. We washed ours in France instead. There is nothing but imprudence and miscal- culation, when there is anything, to blame in washing bayonets, or spears. CeTewayo, in wishing to wash his spears, perhaps somewhat misconceived his duty towards his neighbours. It is our duty towards our neighbours to improve them —if sometimes off face e e British Government has too little resolution to ve away the Zulus; and the British Public has to pay, as the public always must in long run, its half- artedn horrible, not- e ess. CeTrewayo’s heathenism, ot gourse, is withstanding all his fine qualities. What a pity he is not a Christian! It is impossible to « thise with I Bate, loading I © in the House of a rifle say to “There, but reared in the true Your SY in a pot ving religion, Otto von B——!’ 0 on Pros Sillery and Barclay and Perkins. DONNING THE TOGA. iron. has he Birmingharn. for much Trade! As to his quarrel with the English, Cerewaro was in the right, as far as jected j ing his But, as he said, | his youste wouldn’t mind him unless he did kill them. When people will not mind their ruler unless they are killed, they . to be, killed. Then the | Guar Cape Government would not, let him ‘‘ wash his spears.” We What he own people. 54 General disarmament ? Bismillah! But who’s Russia, Won't ? I'll i honour as a jenthean, to follow oalt—elmoct imme- diately. Ttaly. A true act of hemage to the t goddess of universal liberty. Let oy ustria feed the way, and her old friend, United Italy, won’t be very far off. Austria. A idea! But in what order are we to execute the it ? hy, all together, Germany. of equyes, France. All nce, who is trusted by Europe, and is best fitted, by the universal confidence she inspires, to act as the European police force. | _Lingland, I am prepared to take off one of the Horse in Parliament Street, and to meet Europe half- wash our| way on the road to disarmament, with pleasure. You ets f on my word of Free bayonets. We washed our bayonets in Schleswig-Holstein. We washed them | have only to let me know when you're all ready ! CO-OPERATIVE CLERGYMEN. Dearty Betovep Ponca, 5 As a British Tradesman in a small way, being a Chandler and Grocer, licensed to deal in Tea, Coffee, Tobacco, Snuff, Vinegar, and Pepper, allow me in consert with the Conference of the Traders’ Defence Association as met the other day in that Assembly-room of the Saints what used to be, now, alas! ‘To Be Sold,” Exeter All, for to rise my voice and wu lift my Testimony agen the unwarrantable and injurious System of Civil, Military, and Naval Service Co- operative Stores. Yea, and moreover to protest and declare my cordial concurrence in the Resolution voted unanimous by my Christian friends at the above highly respectable Meeting in con- demnation of the . “i 5 But a Rider as was subsekently added to the Original Resolution and likewise carried by exclamation, is quite a different thing, an Oh, with your help, may my affectionate remonstrence as a humble Instrument indoose them beloved Brethren for to resind that addition which they passed as follows :— ‘** That it is the opinion of the a that the clergy should be included in the resolution, and that they be prohibited from engaging in trade.” Nay, Christian friends, not so. Combining, as I do, the calling abovementioned with that of a Minister of a Congregation, mostly in indignant circumstances which they are unable to contribute him sufficient for an Independent liveli , and I am consequently necessiated to eak out my Subsistence by means of the Shop as a supplement to the Pullpit, I must remonstrate for the free and pertect liberty of the to engage in any trade whatsoever olesale or retail as is la for any Body else. 1 mean, of course, the Cl of all denominations, including them of the Establish- ment, if they ain’t allowed to belong to Co-operative Stores, keep Shop, or get their own living anyhow they choose or can if they can't by their hearers that sits under them, how [ should like to know is the State Church ever to be Disestablished and Disendowed ? So, therefore, as my Clerical Brethren and fellow Labourers in the Vinyard, I desire for the Clergymen of the Established Church not | on no account to be denied, but by all means to be granted the Christian privilege of honest Industry, labourin, if needs be, with | their own ands, and which I also claim for to continue to enjoy myself, being a Reverend as well as them, though my only Estab- lishment is my Shop, and my place of Business is a Tittle one, the same as the Flock of which I remain, yea verily, beloved Punch, alway, and evermore Your faithful and affectionate Shepherd, Tabernacle Walk, Goose Day, 1879. Nanvum Sricorns. P.S.—I inclose 4 a Dozen Tracts & my Business Card. OUR BADLY-USED BOYS, Tue following piteous tale will but corroborate the touching accounts we have lately seen in the papers of the starving of our over-worked and under-fed sons. It needs no comment :— My Dear Mama, I am glad to see that the Guyernor has been riting to the papers about the feeding at Scools for it is di ful here. just fancy, we have been back a weak, and we have'n’t yet seen a partridge for dinner That old sneak Sranvom is his nickname among the fellows says they are scairce. I do’n’t believe it, it is only that he is so beastly mean, then we have always had the chickens plain rosted, instead of being made eetable with mushrooms and truftles, he actually talked of giving us for dinner on Michaelmas day beast. We are starved Se, the potatos are always boiled, never fried in chips or Materdotel or anything tasty. They never give us peeches or apricot tart, or anything but pears and plums grapes, it isa beastily chouse. 1 felt quite ill the day after I came, Tim sure it was from having so little tood I could eat, for I was obliged to buy a jam tart before dinner, as I had finished the hamper of Tuck I brought. I wish the Guvernor wold write and say all scholmasters should know how to cook it would be much better than Lattin and speling and that stuff. Your aff, Son, O, Twist. P.S.—Could you send me some of that fwa gra patty you said might tempt Aunt Lucy’s appetite, it is a pitty to waist it on any- body who is not as hungery as me, P.S.—You may send this to the times if you like.

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PRECEPT AND EXAMPLE. Great Grandpapa..*‘ On, I9DEED! You CAN Lick your Sisters AT Lawn-Tenyis, cAN You? Wett pone, My Boy! Bor zr- WARE OF SELF-CONCEIT, AND NEVER BRAG. Way, I COULD LICK EVERYBODY AT LAWN-TENNIS, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE—OR COULD HAVE DONE IF THERE ’D BEEN ANY Lawy-Tennis TO PLAY! I was THE BEST CRICKETER, THE BEST FENCER, THE BEST BOXER, Runxwer, Jumper, Swimmer, aND Diver 1 EVER CAME ACROSS, EITHER AT SCHOOL, OR COLLEGE, OR AFTER; AND IN CLASSICS AND MatTsematios | BEAT EM ALL OLEAN OUT OF THE FigELp! As For RiIpinc, NO ONE EVER TOUCHED ME; OR DANCING EITHER; LET ALONE THAT | was THE HanpsomestT Man IN THE CouNTY, AND THE Best-Daessep, FOR THAT MATTER; BESIDES BEING THE WIT- TIEST AND THE most PorpuLaR. Ay, AND sucH A Sono a8 I COULD Sino, Too! AND Yer A MORE Mopest anv UNASSUMING DEMEANOUR THAN MINE IT’S NEVER BEEN MY GOOD FORTUNE TO SET E¥#s ON, MAN On Boy, Tagse Fourscore Years anp TEn— ror 1’m ALL THAT, MY Boy, AND MORE, THOUGH YOU’D NEVER BELIEVE IT, TO LOOK AT ME! Beware OF SELF-CONCEIT, MY Boy, AND NEVER, NEVER BRAG!/” Andrassy. What a walk! THE GAME OF THE DAY. Bismarck (to Anprassy). Fine game! Hurrah for racket, nome igen and net! Shall we play partners in the coming set ? Andrassy. With pleasure, if so very poor a player-—— Bismarck. Pooh, pooh! I know your form—a regular stayer. Andrassy. Considering how you thrashed me—— Bismarck. Long ago! And you have much improved since then, you know. A ame y You flatter me. Bismarck. Not I; ’tis not my way. I am incarnate frankness, A aaa So you say. Bismarck, Never use language to conceal my thought. Andrassy. Ingenuous innocent ! Bismarck. Finesse is fraught With charms for some ; but a sham Machiavelli Deserves—say, wreathing by » Turnerelli. Andrassy. Ha! Dear Brrrawyta seems a little out of it ; And Bruin, too, looks bothered. Not a doubt of it. Bismarck. Andrassy, He's such a bear. Bismarck. Unbearable ; and lately His manners really have annoyed me greatly. Tis hard to play with one who’s always growling, And without reason. Andrassy. Just so. See him prowling With ear a-cock to listen to our talk! Bismarck. He’s looking for a partner. A lovely figure for a game like this! Bismarck. All have not Austrian grace. , That ’s not amiss From a blunt Teuton. You yourself, no doubt, Are—may | hint it ?—getting rather stout. But then your force and fleetness, for your age, Are wonderful. Bismarck. At that left-handed compliment! Andrassy. When om omg rivals Ariel—— How vanity would rage Oh well, | Bismarck. That's better. But I’ll back that man to win — Who has stout heart, steel nerves, and—a thick skin. Whisper together aside. Bruin (suspiciously). What are they talking of ? ish I could hear. Up to some game that won’t suit me, I fear. Partners? Oh, hang it! That may spoil my play. Bizzy and I have paired this many a day: It’s deucéd hard to turn me thus adrift — To seek another, Well, I must make shift, Though eve and wrist like his ’twere vain to seek. Miss Fraxce, now,—there she sits demure and meek ; Yet she can serve and strike, or could of old. (To France.) Pardon, Ma’m’selle, but may I make so bold ? As—— ? Miss France. Merci, mais je ne joue pas—at least not yet. I rather think I will sit out this set. Mrs. Britannia. No one asks me, my dear. | Miss France. Oh well, you see, You have refused so often—even me !

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THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Octoner 4, 1879. “4 eel = wae + Slr (4 | GAME OF THE DAY. you AND I TOGETHER AGAINST THE LOT!!” THE Bismarck. “* COME, ANDRASSY, WE KNOW EACH OTHER’S ‘ FORM.’ Russta (to France). “‘ 1 THINK, MADAME, WE MIGHT BE A MATCH FOR THEM!” Enctanp (fo Irary). ‘‘ NOBODY ASKS US! !” France. ‘* THANKS! I PREFER TO SIT OUT AT PRESENT!”

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Octoper 4, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 153 | Bismarek (to ANDRaSsY). We ’ve played against each other, as you | say; So much the better—know each other’s play. Now let us try together. Tell you what, I'll take odds you and I can play the lot! | ALMOST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. HE rumour that Prince Bismarck has proposed a general European disarma- ment bovine, Mr. Punch observes, been received with general satisfaction, bush he has much pleasure in giving publicity to the fol- owing on dits, which strike him as equally authentic, and deserving to even more welcome :— Lord BracoysFIexp will ate | ones, Re Pre- * miership, for the purpose S of undertaking the ma- nagement of an extensive air-balloon and firework factory now in course of construction on his Lord- ship’s property at Hugh- enden, Mr. cepted an engagement of Mr. Fanunr to appear, wit the captive King Cere- wayo and a few of the Friendly Zulus, in a draw- ing-room entertainment. | to commence, shortly after the opening of Parliament, at a central spot in South Africa, , ‘ Lord Lyrron has intimated to the Indian Se that he is desirous of boing tattnedinuay Sumyven of his Vice-Imperial func- tions, in order that he may be able personally to superintend the production of a new poetical pantomime of his own, now in active preparation at the Court Theatre, Mandalay. Sir Bartle Frere will not, as has been reported, be offered the first vacant Garter. It is his intention to confine himself, for the te mp to writing a defence of his South-African policy, which is | likely to occupy him a considerable time. . | The repairs now in progress in St. James’s Street are proceeding steadily, If they are continued at the present rate, it may be possible, some time early next spring, to cross after dark from one pavement to the other, without the aid of a pair of stilts, two policemen, and a dark lantern. 7 Company has been formed for buying up all the mechanical ianos in the Metropolis, with the copyright of the popular song, * My Grandfather's Clock.” The Lunatic-Asylum Committees have the privilege of purchasing them at cost price on the three years’ hire system. ; In answer to a monster petition signed by five million and a half readers of the daily papers, it has been unanimously determined not to admit reporters to the meetings of the forthcoming Social Science weagre The Board of Works have directed the names of streets and num- bers of houses to be painted on the gas-lamps, for the benefit of persons wishing to know where they are after dark. PARNELL has ac- FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE, (Turep Serres.—SvumMenr.) CHAPTER VII. The Beginning of the End—Changes— Weather-glass—Reconnottring — Caution — Dew — Discussion — Prophetical — Weathercock— Wire—News—Summing _up—Callousness— Familiarity—Per- Section— Politeness— Working order— Present state—Prospect— Nep Keeping alive—On wires—Arrival. ’Tis the last strawberry of summer, all his blooming companions have faded and gone. Nobody to show me Ben or to point out Burws’s Monument in distance. We look at the Isle of Arran when it and we look for it when it is in- visible, silently. All that ean said about them has been said. We have exhausted the Even the weather, as a topic of ion, is dismissed cursorily. A few weeks ago, everybody | sake Clark coming down fresh in the morning—“ fresh” in the morning sounds dissi ,, but is meant healthily—used to tap the glass, screw the ivory button, tap it again, scrutinise it closely as if trying to detect a falsehood on the very face of it, shake his head despond- ently, or hopefully, or triumphantly, as the case might be, and then yield his place to the next comer, who would take his turn at the glass with eager, earnest expression that is seldom seen on a man’s face, ¢ t en he is looking at the dim reflection of himself in a London dow, to see if he has got a black on his nose, or not. Then CN ey ete = ogee would go outside, not venturing the door-step, cautiously, as if fearful of being taken by fe and captured and not ans until they have reconnoitred the carriage-road, left and right, as though on the look-out for the sudden appearance of an unfriendly Zulu out of the ushes, There being no signs of dongs, the visi uld to th gravel, and some, braver than the others, wou "just v4 the Can with the tips of their drawing back quickly, as if they'd been stung by something, an examining their soles to see what was the matter. This would lead to discussion. _ Was the moisture the dew, or had there been a heavy fall of rain in the night ? This having been dew-ly settled, one way or the other, everyone would then take up t positions for making meteorological observations. More ion. Prophecies. Doubts, fears, hopes. Suddenly it strikes some one, that a — valuable opinion might be obtained from the Weathercock, just as it would naturally occur to azo in a legal difficulty to consult a Solicitor. the V cothevsect, being consulted, i slightly from that other eminent authori e Barometer, and, apparen m two other distinguished — ah in the immediate perm Nese Ae 4 ho shall decide when weathercocks disagree ? Thought.—Wire to Forecast Department in London, and of the Weather what sort of a day we’re going to have here in Scotland. Answer paid. _ More conversation on the subject. Then a council would he held, in the carriage-drive, with a view to reconcile these apparent dis- crepancies. The most experienced in weather predictions talks of what would be infallible signs in any other part of the world with which he is personally acquainted, but admits that here he is at fault—this being his first visit. One or two bold thinkers pronounce for fine weather, and are regarded with a sort of veneration by the more timid ; while the hopeful, but cautious minds, refer to the sunset of last night as a p ostication of what the weather ought to be to-day. ‘The elders shake their heads dubiously, as old birds who are not to be caught with chaff, and who, appearances being pro- verbially deceptive, are not going out without their umbrellas—catch them! Then the host, inclining to the last and more cautious opinion, would give the others a ray of hope in pointing out how we was the view of Benjamin Lomond and Bunns’s Monument, ‘* which,” he would add, “is a good sign.” This summing-up used to be, mysteriously enough, the signal for the gong to sound, which meant “‘ All in, to begin | ”"—breakfast. But now this overture of the day, ending with the gong solo, seldom takes place, or, if at all, on a very limited scale. We nod at the glass indifferently, as much as to say, ‘‘ Still there, ‘ou old bore-ometer!” We just go to the front-door, give a sharp ook out, shrug our shoulders, say ing, and, the gong having sounded long ago perhaps, without any of us having remarked it, we enter the breakfast-room, nod to the nearest person, in much the same style as we had previously nodded to the barometer, if we haven't seen him before, and then occupy ourselves in a very business-like way. When we first met together in this pleasantest of Country Houses, it was a perfect school of politeness for anyone to come into suddenly. It was a real pleasure to see, and to assist in. No one could do too much for anyone. The Gentlemen were eagerly watching the Ladies, to anticipate their slightest wishes in the way of toast, ham, chicken, kijjaree, strawberries, and so , while the Ladies showed their appreciation of this devotion, by presiding in a really masterly manner at tea-urn, coffee- and cocoa-pots, ym, beg ht TaD ing the tea fresh and fresh, in fact, hotter and hotter, so that the eup of any of the breakfast beverages was equal to the first in strength, tone, taste, temperature, and every other perfection. ; Then, after a few days, we improved. The politeness was in no diminished: on the contrary, it was at high re, and in working order. All went easily, without Gentlemen i took ham, which eggs, and which and ham many were for pie, and be ready for a clean plate Gentlemen was so perfect, that toa man who tod eee,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |Octoper 4, 1879, “NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTES.” Sca-side Visitor (on the Suffolk Coast), *‘ You’tt Excuse mB, Sir, put I NoTIck THAT YOU SEEM TO LIKE TO SIT ALL DAY ON THIS ExPoseD Spor ” Native (Ancient Mariner). “‘ Yes, I pew, Str; ’cavsz THEN I KNOW THERE AIN'T NOBODY TO THE East’ARD 0’ mE!” helped exactly to his taste and liking—always, of course, with the exception of that one undecided person, who wii turn up on every occasion of this sort, and who never can e up his mind as to what he really does want, so upsetting all calculations, ae finishing by saying, ‘‘ Oh, don’t mind me—I’ll help my ;” and ultimately taking something of everything. After a while, getting to know one another thoroughly well, waguastanitty setin. The men had oneeely sat up later and later, and therefore rose later and later. They into breakfast with various apologies, the younger offering excuses for ir y ith vari logies, the fferi for their tard appearance, and the more experienced not attempting to explain anything. Then, pares pn there was a falling-off in politeness, generally, though sustained only in private and a oy instances ; the tone became familiar and less courteous. e had, as it were, begun with the minuet de la cour, and were ending with a polka. Perhaps the strain had been too great at first, and “‘ ” was reasserting itself. At last our house has dwindled down to a few, who cling on affectionately, like the bluebottles in September, and we are dependent for excitement on outsiders, to whose houses we go, and who return our visits. y excellent host and myself agree that this is what we like. We have plenty of time for the pa which are no i taken away, and hidden, and after dinner we can sit down to discuss claret, Bunns’s works and life, and with the we discuss philosophy and social science. If producing some peculiarly fine old after the get into theology. On the whole, wi occasional contradiction from we riously, pleasantly, and profitably. finishing only with the departure of the last been announced two hours ago,}I invariably ion of what are, tomy mind, i im Mr. Mattock’s Is Life worth Living oes find that this must be the same when I’ve got to the second page, whi point, I close my eyes, to make a mental in the previous argument. The resumé becoming rather muddled, gets itself mixed up with lawn-tennis, with what we ’ll do to-morrow, with an indistinct recollection of having said something to somebody in London about something of poet importance, which suddenly connects itself with something else that appened years and years ago, that I had forgotten till now,—and then—I pull myself ome. and determine to... . to put out the candle before I orget it. us we are passing a morning my host enters wi rally, t hae gh ay SI " do ial tabs h ep t of Jrm’s coming puts everyone in spirits. flash of delight passes round like an electric current. [ own to feeling intensely pleased. Not because I know Ji, or have the slightest idea who he is, or what he is—‘‘ What ’s ALLISon to Jim, or Jr to ALLIson ?” (Mac Shakspeare adapted)—but simply from seeing the delight depicted on everyone’s countenance. Jr, it turns out, 4 ALLIson’s nephew, the life and soul of the house—when he’s ere. Host and hostess beam, as the former flourishes Jrm’s telegram, for it is a iarity with Jr, that, no matter where he may be, no matter how far from home, or how near—whether in India, Africa, Paris, Germany, London, or merely in the next vi , if there is only a telegraph station to be found, Jim telegraphs. _ : Attison’s house is six miles from a lee mee station, but this makes no difference to Jru, who, in the imp of a message, anni- hilates times, space, and expense—the latter having — ‘to do with his own oop personally. Soa nme od has arrived in hot haste on horseback, from the nearest town ; and as there is a request that an answer may be sent, ALLISON complies with it, and sends one —it being comparatively ical to pay a shilling for sending a message, in order to forestall another five-shilling telegram from J1m in the course of the morning, inquiring if the first had come all right. Everyone personally acquainted with Jr beams again. “He'll wake us up though he err and peaceable time, when one th a telegram, and announces to us gene- ap aig pa em h means it well, is rather a slur on present company’s liveliness.

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Octoper 4, 1879.] A CALL FOR A CANDIDATE. | wens ms \ In the account, according to the . Morning Pest, of the recent Trades’ ~ WAL Usies satensaee =! Exeter Hall, XN WO and in the paragraph comprising a| \ WN 8 hb seplied te howe lan ab- WW eau by a Mr. Z. D. Berry, you A will find the following words :— “ He trusted people would vote for Whig, Tory, Radical, or the Devil him- self, so long as they would pledge them- selves to put down Crown trading.” It is hardly conceivable that Mr. Berry, speaking as above, can speak for any considerable number of tradesmen des himself. Other wise, the Personage whom he de- clares he is ready to vote for might, if he came forward as a Candidate for the representation of Southwark, for example, command a consider- able number of votes amongst a certain class of shopkeepers. Fancy the electioneering ppreele and exhortations which would then be posted and borne about by stan- dard-bearers and stalking sand- wiches—as :—‘‘ Give your votes for the Old Gentleman.” ‘‘ Vote for Old Harry.” ‘Poll for Old Nick.” Fiend — the esman’s “The Old One for the ’ “Old Scratcn for the oe “Down with Co-operative Stores, and the Prince of Darkness for Ever!” Of course tradesmen pre’ to vote for the ‘* lost poe So al mended to their preference by Mr. Berry, would give him as honest a vote as could be ex of parties accustomed to be fined for using false weights and measures. or Sprrirs!” _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | — -— , ge eagteene a FC a tlh ca 41 7-1." A SINE QUA NON. Patient. ‘‘Do you MEAN TO SAY MY COMPLAINT IS A DANGEROUS ONE?” Doctor. “‘A VERY DANGEROUS ONE, MY DEAR FRIEND. RECOVER FROM IT; 80 YOU MUST NOT GIVE UP ALL HOPE. ONLY CHANCE I8 TO KEEP IN A CHEERFUL Frame or MIND, AND AVOID ANYTHING LIKE DePRESSION Sritt, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO Bot RECOLLECT ONE THING: YOUK We all express intense delight at the prospect of being woke up, and privately to one another—those who don’t know Josern, I mean Jim—wonder how the operation is going to be performed. ‘He'll keep us alive!” repeats Uncle ALLison, beaming again. And once more the guests express themselves with extreme oliteness on the subject of being kept alive, but secretly resent the iberty that Nephew Jim is going to take with their existence. It really sounds as if we were a set of old dummies, whose machinery having gone wrong, was going to be set in motion by a touch-up from Nephew Jim, and we are as much disturbed as would be a party of over-fed lotos-eaters by the emptying out on them a tankful of electric eels. Jim has already given us his first shock with his telegram. We are undoubtedly more alive than we were an hour ago for example. And, as I have said, everyone is beaming. The servants all beam, specially the Butler, who beams almost to bursting, so intense is the struggle going on within him between rapturous joy and proper ecorum. The day goeson. Like Mariana, we become a-weary of waiting, and anxious. The beams are hidden by clouds. The Butler is shrinking again to his natural size. Suddenly they all beam again. Another telegram!! Another five shillings! Uncle ALLIson beams less this time than at first; but the Butler is again inflated with joy, and beams more than ever. But for a strong command over himself, which enables him to ‘‘ keep himself down,” he would swell up, rise in the air, and only descend after a sharp contact with the ceiling. Uncle Auutson I rather think I hear mutter, “Confound the fellow! Why the doose does he go on tele- eraphing as e are all anxious to know the contents. What does he say? od coming? Nothing wrong?’ Let us know the worst or the ** Missed train, catch next. Wire to Carlisle, say if carriage meets, If not, will wire on for fly.” That ’s what he has to say. We breathe again. Butler, who, for one second, has been in ~~ x of collapsing suddenly, beams again. All beaming. We're all beaming, beam, beam, beaming, we ’re all beaming at our house at home—except ALLIson, who must send another telegram to catch Jim at Carlisle en route ; for, if not, Joa will order a fly to meet him, and that will be another useless expense. There is still a sort of uncertainty as to how or when he may arrive. Were he an ordinary person he couldn't be here for five hours at least. This, however, doesn’t prevent the Butler from going to the door about every half-hour, to look out and see if he is coming. No one who knows Jim would swear to feeling perfectly sure that he isn’t on the premises at this present moment, hiding, and ready to bounce out on us, Our host disposes of this idea, ** as,’ he says, “ if Jim were any- where about, we should have heard him long ago.” When Nephew Jim does come, we do hear him with a vengeance. Having finished our tennis, we are enjoying, after a bath, that deliciously refreshing semi-siesta, when one dawdles over dressing for dinner, and the edge of one’s a ite becomes gradually keener and keener,—when, suddenly, a b from a coach-horn startles me from a reverie over the waning state of my dress-boots. Coach- horn or bugle, or whatever it is, sounds again, and the next moment there is a shouting of directions, and a gering on the staircase of heavily-laden people with boxes; then a dashing charge of one, up the stairs, three steps at a time; then a loud inquiry from the landing as to the dinner-hour, to which the reply, that it is at eight, is almost lost in a wild whoop, as an introduction to the following mysterious sentence, delivered in the cheeriest possible tone, “Allright! Hokee-pokee! Play up for the cocoa-nuts!” When there is another bang of a door that shakes the house to its foundations, and, judging from the noise of chucking heavy weights about, the occupant of the room next to me is aypesentty ‘ playing up for the cocoa-nuts” in preference to dressing for dinner. As I descend the stairs five minutes afterwards, I hear bursts of vocal melody within, snatches of popular airs whistled, and a dull wooden-sounding accompaniment, which may either be the clog- dance, or a violent struggle with a ~jack. I meet my on the stairs. ** Jrm’s come!” he cries, gleefully. I thought so. He has come—like a whirlwind—and the process of ‘* keeping us all alive” has commenced.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Ocroner 4, 1879, —-— ) — BAD AND BATH. THE SECRET OF SUCCESS. WELL-KNowN German | Fragment of Anti-Co-operative Comedy—adapted from wenre~ place, of report of a recent meeting. note and) Prterior of a Money-taker’s Boz at a Store conducted \ hitherto on by Paid Servants of the Crown. A Duchess, two account of its cha- Earls, a Country Clergyman, and a Spinster waiting, ——— ae Realthines, sa with other Sashionable purchasers, to pay their orders. : First Earl. As you say, Duchess, it is not only the fact \ 4 ~beele that I can get my arrowroot at an enormous reduction, )3 name, albeit that and carry it home myself afterwards, that brings me to opel nen Homburg. this oes lounge. No, no. There is something more than tha a ae eum laine Duchess. Quite so. It was the same with the Duke. anta, fealtery Often on his way to a /evée has he looked in here to get arrangements his pint of bird-seed. And I am not t at this of Pe uted d Earl. _ your Grace, am See here ; I : have in this parcel two pounds of sausages, a piece of American cheese, a bottle of mixed pickles, and a Loy — merely a little surprise for the Countess. And I have tome collecting them from the various departments since half-past nine this morning But what of that? There’s a zest about the place that, — y —o me ~ worthy clerical gentleman will be the rst to acknowledge. Country Clergyman. Certainly, Sir, certainly. Though : ee be feared area? I have to support a wife and eleven children on two hun- will go on from bad to worse. 8 | dred and ten pounds a year, it isn’t the saving of a trifle like forty-five per cent. on all the necessaries of life that could make me desert the good old-fashioned high- Serciem on Hire. charging local tradesmen—heaven bless them! No, no. cB ithe dam of 2 ae a —_ maps “ena lad poopectabie starvation ae c of assist- | that rings us here, as this y tell you. Is it, employed at French | Madam ? set-bathing establishments to reseue| Spinster. No, indeed. That such as we should pinch Lys thers in danger, and distinguished | a little, to give the good comfortable middleman his villa, y's py the “they of meen, wiiel con his beougham, 5 N = i inaiea = right. No; owever, — to have acqui what rings us here is the ts) e meets on the /ueus a non lucendo principle, by not saving them, a Times’ eader, such superior society at the Stores. apologetically, remarks that—‘ They are no heroes, it t is clear; but heroism is} Duchess. You are right, Madam, As you say, the rare, and is not to be purchased at so much a week.” "This, perha ,» may be the | success of the movement is due simply to prestige ! case on the other side of the Channel; but on this, fortunately, heroism is readily purchasable, not only at so much a week, but at so much a day, and

that much so little as the pay of a AM pay soldier. Otherwise the Conscription| Ovrcry or Intsn Farmers.—No rents at all at all but would be inevitable; or what sho x<—- ———————EEEEee we do for a British Army ? the rents in our own breeches-pockets !

THE EYES OF THE FOREIGNER. GOBEMOUCHERIES: ALL ABOUT A VISIT TO VIENNA. “The eyes of the foreigner are once more fixed on us.”"—Daily Telegraph. Yiet Begtend oe says.—Setting aside conjecture, as certainly vain and pro eading, we may accept without reserve the state- aa a py nee rood as played oat ment that the result of the conferences between the two statesmen Ber ota of esean of the day has been to establish the conclusion that the interests of Brave Bewsamin’s boldness 7 Smently date ale i it about. Austria and Germany, in separa to pending European questions, have The meteor flag once again is unfurled, been found to be in the main identical. The long drowsing lion doth ramp and doth roar What France says.—The meeting is a menace to the peace of To the awe and alarm of a wondering world, ~ ‘ — has an ony aa ng —— ~w must be pas a fixed more! at Russia says.—l\t is a farce, but a rous one t And the Foreigner’s eyes are ~anenen : teaches a lesson—that Siberia is not yet ee Fe my populated! This The studious calm that an Excuo disdains, newly-discovered plot of the Nihilists must supply a new batch of The steady reserve that a SALISBURY scorns, labourers to the quicksilver mines ! Are gone ; weve the loveliest tossing of manes, wat te Turkey says.—It is to be hoped that the outcome of this And beating of tocsins, and blowing a tees nares. interesting meeting may be a new loan to the Sublime Porte! Barrannia’s en évidence, to the e hat Italy says.—Surely so intelligent a statesman as Bismarck Proud, prompt, and to pay on score. must have pe Bae el that ex can no longer exist as an Austrian Midst Imperial posings and cries, sea- ryt a pay pes pene we hich must be settled as a supplement Foreigner’s eyes are fixed on us once more ! reaty of Ber ue ’ What Greece says.—Of course these two statesmen had no subject The Foreigner’s eyes? Well, and what do they see ? of Govanicn,, 80 mo ete g as the rectification of the Greek-Turki And what is the sort s or pages Sey ) anal ? frontier ! mest men agree . Do they see us magnani What fnrasy says. m4 - VEGF / Look. with ‘xed adm “admiration, of ror Jealousy & P What Bismarck says.—The Viennese beer is excellent! No matter ; ’s tribute ceough in om fra. What a Large Majority say.—The meeting means ev They ma hae 7! cores, ignore ; What a Small Minority say.—The meeting means nothing ! For we 2 e such such a a shindy we raise, What Mr. Punch says.—Open your eyes—and shut your mouths, That the Rr rasta are teal on us once more ! my little dears ! True, our taxes run high, and our tradings ran low, Our workshops are ony, om our hands over ak F The Cook on the Doctor. True, Freedom's face flushes no more with glow = That once lit her cheek at the so of Jouw Butt. (4 Warning © Dv. Brant Bat) In the swim of intrigue, with the land-snatching league, “Ho! ‘The Doctor in the Kitching! ’ Well, Inever! I declare! We find simple justice a clog and a bore ; Don’t I wish as I could see im! Let me honly catch *im there ! But what are Tdcaeee, fon, faiiata, fatigue, I’d soon teach ’im to demean *isself in that owdacious manner ; When the Foreigner’s eyes are fixed on us once more ? For I’d pin a dishcloth to ’is tail, as sure as my name’s Hawyer! ” man Sentient Ghibete Oot Oe Det he er bos 3 Ae oD

GU Do Connmmsennanen— She Biter Gres ttt hel Rinady Sound etna ote, pee asidteket” In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by @

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Ocroser 11, 1879.] “POLITESSE OBLIGE.” Hansom Cabby poy, Sm?” LONDON CHARIVARI. @ volley of imprecations at the tip of his tongue, as he'd a Lady inside—the four-wheeler having narrowly grazed his horse’s nose). “‘’Paay 'ow D’yan Like Lon- BEFORE THE VOTE. Ratepayers’ Reflections— Various. Tuoven I read the whole of Sir Coartes Reep’s s carefully through, can I make head or tail of the true merits of the -Board question ? Am I really very very deeply interested in the Ed of the Country ? Would I, but for the threat of a sum- mons, its development by quietly paying one-and-twopence in the pound ? ould I ever pay so much as the two- pence even without the shilling ? Would I, in fact, if I could help it, pay engrave at all? m | really and truly horrified when told that, unless I do, 400,391 children will arrive at maturity, without ever making the acquaintance of the ‘‘ Three R.’s?” Do not I think that the ‘ Three R.’s” may be su ted by the ‘‘ Three D,’s,”’ and that w. to for ** Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic,” I am in effect sup- vizing, Deneing, Derinity ane D namics!” eed the ordi buildings of a Metro- politan Board 1 tower above the neighbourhood, strongly resemble the new Law ee ; How do , if this costliness con- tinue, that needle-work, drawing in ora’ and playing, may not become part of the reoognined curriculum of the common domestic drudge ? son of my tinker to be re- ceiving, out of my pocket, a better educa- tion in next street than my son is getting at Eton ? Has all that I have heard about ridiculous fads, misdirected training, high salaries extravagant structures, and general and lavish waste of the public money put me at last on my mettle about this ‘‘ School Board” business ? Am I, on the whole, in that calm and quite di frame of mind that will enable me to give a highly edifying and satisfactory voteon the 27th November next? Morro ror THe Game or Lawn-Tenrnis. —** The Deuce is in it!” ae THE JESTER’S JUDGMENT. To Punch’s udgment-seat two appellants One grave taal ete aieeian tom, ant tvuneeh ras i The other, call him Faruus, was of a gayer guise, But something red about the nose and wrinkled round the eyes. Cried Sruu “Le! this chuckling clown is ever on the grin, fod eagues {> 6 Cpeaio wey thet Varese ve sin. e travesties the serious, sacred, sublime, To furnish matter for a mirth that came, name ; on a crime.” ‘He! he!” forth cackled Faruvs, “ this prim and pompous prig Is as ineapable of jest as Behemoth of a jig ; And since he no sense of no eye for the absurd, He ’d put an end to joking—a rare joke, upon my word! ” ‘* Not so,” quoth Sruurus; “ but this fool’s irreverent burlesque Fast robs us of the passionate, the pure, the eereque . He lowers our ideals with his daubings, and debases The—well, the moral currency, by making ugly faces.” “Yah!” Farovs cried, “‘ he simply lacks the faculty called risible ; And the most rare and compos foto te Biss fe Just uses Unknowing that Creation ’s full of what is queer and He ragee of = Suse SE. It’s really very laughable.” > “B !” shrieked Sruttvs, seornfully. ‘‘ Base parody of Mirth!” "Bouse Geguvenges:” Faeees “you'd make a grave of as Cong, Sas up that!” said Mr. Punch, ‘‘ We can’t have brawling You ’ve neither of you an sense of fun, that’s clear.” “* No sense of fun ?”’ howled Faruvs. Cried Punchius, ‘‘ Not a bit! aes destitute tees ia he’s wholly —s of wit. ah 0 egregious 0 you’re samples, you and he. For Sruutvs cannot see a joke, and you nought else can see. And he who has no vision save for fun, sees that askew. Therefore, of the two sorts of bores, I the palm to you, The man who’d willingly debase Ideals that should rule, May dub himself a Jester, but he is a graceless fool. Yet the absurd in places the most unexpected lurks And to drag it into daylight is the usefullest of works. Oft in the ’s ardour, the phil 8 vague dreams, The zealot's hasty search of ends and lofty seorn of means, Hides the Ridic which, like the rift within the lute, Shall jangle the philosophy and leave the minstrel mute. Swift Humour sees and it, mayhap, to make it plain To men of dull perception and sl gait of brain, Exaggerates to emphasise, not ing to belie, But point by sly extravagance the truth it would Sense sees and takes cum grano, but sometimes the Seer and Sage, Blind to the small absurdities that blot their brightest page Resent detective Humour’s quest which in them dares fun, Flaws in the sarant’s theories, on the poet’s sun. Nose-chipping Clown ! they hotly ery, confounding him with you, Oh, quee-diaiiar Farovs! You see the harm you do! We humorists should keep our calm, however Seers insult us ; That ’s shameful in a Jester which is natural to Strurvs. prey OL quarry, but I never hit on yet A thing ’s more pre than a Jester in a pet. The Sage may rage, the ard may rate, without incurring shame, But Humour prone to tantrums is unworthy of the name. Therefore, my precious pair, great Punch not be wrath with you, Or with ea ones who flout him, though they scold till all is blue. | You are th besotted boobies, but a moral you may point | To Seers who say the Jester jokes Ideals out of joint,— | Namely, there are two sorts of fools, who’re deadly foes to fun ; ly. | One cannot smile at a fair joke, one giggles when e's none. VOL, LXXVII.

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SN =: ae SS / WV \) place of elegant and fashionable resort). “ improvements, my Lorp | \ Xt \\ 18 ow \ | hw yy ‘ EE) Wes dares Ocroper 11, ; AND NOW YOU MAY STAND ON THIS VERY SYOT AND Listen Tro Tunez Baass Banps a-PLAYiINe Ai y i——_ I vy PTTL YA la) ‘ t V" A) EXCELSIOR! his Worship on the improvements which have raised that once obscure marine hamlet into a = se abey A ' My ii} W it i uO si MWh " Viti, MIM fl AM YAY ht ae ome oat = 7. ~ ~ — 4. a = _ x _ wo c = ~ ~ —_ . _— — ~ 4. _ ~ _ Ty, who is congratul AT ONE AND THE SaME ONLY LAST YEAR THERE WASN'T 50 TOO, MIND YER Wuy, The Mayor of Shrimpington (to Ecclesiastical Dignita Most, MAY WELL SAY THAT. AWAY—ABED CLAseIOAL You

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! “ IMPRovements, my Lorp | SYOT AND Listen To Tunee Brass Banps a-PLAYING marine hamiet into a place of elegant and fashionable resort) Ww YOU MAY STAND ON THIS VERY Town; AND no

Ocroper 11, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. eS

Beactiru.t” congratulating his Worship on the improvements which have raised that once obscure SN'T SO MUCH AS A CORNET To BE EARD IN THE ‘OLE BLESSED gnitary, who is MY, ONLY LAST YEAR THERE WA Too, MIND VYRR AT ONE AND THE SAME TIME! w WELL SAY THAT.

ee - e Serepermgeon (fO LOCCCSIaSIOm It, MAY AWAY—AaED CLassIcaL Mossic, You

———_ ne <r S Wi ‘ie all) i i SANNA AP UNS aw a8 BESRRE AA NN sa “* RN tT <6 AN RNY - \ ~S

SS

— 4 ¢ / 4

Seng) ee Rye \yN » ey - VELE_. —_ A SKELETON IN THE CUPBOARD.

BiG von Fer Quette. (Berna A Warnine To Pieasune-Seexers AT German WATERING-PLACES.)

EXTRAORDINARY STATE OF LIQUOR. rson act: A quire unprecedented case occurred a few days ago at the | This case, if accurately W he h Court. A local contemporary, the Free Press, | the supposition that the stance recorded as above, was a fine ever known to be inflicted on a — ually deceased, and one who had remained drunk after death. , cannot even be accounted for by defendant, having been taken up dead, hac akefield Boroug i afterwards come back because reports it as follows :— seally Copenton Gis Oe, Dat 6 which he eould not when @ used Sbad language

“Iwsopnrety.—Parricx Siaven, labourer, was charged with drunken- possibly have done, if he had been so very dead as those dead men ness, in King Street, on the 22nd inst.—Police Constable Donson proved the stating that deceased was drunk at the place named, about seven | Who proverbially i hen he made use of bad names to those who had no tales.

Moor 0 men, worse still, many a woman, has been picked up | dead drunk, as gail wore is—that i to say, drank and rome tg | appears to be well enough and subsequently fo Frawce mv A Farm Way.—The French

blican Government It could afford to allow Legitimist ed for drunkennéss; but never until the in- | demonstrations to be made on Goose Day.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 11, 1879. FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. (Turep Seates.—Scmmen.) CHAPTER VIII. Keeping alive— Description—Dinner— Discussion—Gloom—A Flash — Suggestions Annoyance — Interruption — Jim’s nions — Bets— Butler — C -crowns y ; Rabbits—Sawbbath— Departure— End of Visit. various i po enn et wal be one bons in 0 complet Setta. So cuetas Se house, , wi most ing poi ar refrains, seldom goi se nrdgn ceeles elton o mane, bagek. it eseunlite ey py SL FDS is on the anding; or, i , commencing a and ending with a j Litas tops when 0 gion p. He is hearty and jovial, the highest possible spirits, and decidedly impatient of the serious, political, or philosophical conver- sation with which our sedate selves have hitherto beguiled the e At dinner the subject that occu our attention is the t serious state of the country, agricultural distress, lowering of rents, “Ficso exp Goce Lakiol. grepuieiate pe Gite, ndaiiinn one bark ere are three pro at table, ing our and lam deeply interested in their views of the prospects of the United Kingdom. “It is a serious matter,” observes Sir AnpnEw McCorrre, a severe-looking elderly gentleman, with an inclination to lay down the law on every subject, ‘ and there is but one thing to be done for the next year at least, and that is to reduce the rents all round.” Mr. ALEXANDER, a younger man and a lesser landlord, does not see this in the same light. He would suggest course. “There is no other course,” says Sir AnpRew, frowning at the idea of anyone's attempting toe improve on his origi i Our host shakes his head dubiously. “It will play the deuce with some of us,” he there ’li be no going up to London for the S . becomes interested in the discussion—“‘ and precious little to do in the country too, if the hunters are to be sold, and establi ts reduced all round.” “‘Ah!” sighs our hostess, sympathetically, as if for the first time a light was breaking in upon her as to the effects of the weather and the crops on the parks, ball-rooms, and opera-houses. We are all silent and sad, moodily regarding our cham e as though it were the last glass at parting previous to our all led off to the workhouse. But Nephew Jim has not come down for his holidays—he has been reading with a Coach—to be gloomy, and at this point, being no respecter of persons, he dashes in bri tly. "I say, Jnele,”” he eries, **1’ll tell you what you can do if you are all hard up.’ We all listen, and Sir Awprew frowns more portentously than ever. The idea of his being included among the “ hard up” ones !! “ a = host, ‘* what ?”’ _“* Why, look here,” continues Jm«, “I’ve got a Bogardus trap— rifle, glass balls, and I’m a nailer at it. Bossy Rosents laid me two to one I wouldn’t hit ten out of fifteen——” “And did you?” esks his Aunt pretending a sudden interest in the Bogardus trap, partly to shield him from the evident wrath of Sir Anprew at the irrelevancy of the interruption, and partly because she has some sort of latent faith in her Nephew’s originality te Fp out of a us trap, can possibly e the ing farmers or the unfortunate landlords. “ Yes, ies Jim, with a perfect shout of triumph that sends Sir Awpaew into a fit. ‘I hit fourteen out of pocketed his two quid. I scored off him there.” . “TI don’t see what that has to do with what we were speaking about,” remarks Sir ANDREW, sententiously, and then adds, patronis- ingly, “which perhaps you are not yet old enough to understand.” 4 ut Jim is not going to be patronised, and not going to be put own. “ Yes it has,” he says; ‘‘ Uncle and I will go round the country with the trap, take six to four everywhere. I'll shoot, and Uncle balls ” - ir ne Thank yo a ou,” says our host, amused,—as we all are except AnpReEw, who, evidently objecting to such ill-timed levity, would es if he oe f oy ene ante started, won’t let nim, aD on enthusiastically, as thoug e were organising the most Grilliant scheme for the relief of the present distress. “* And,” he continues, ‘‘ we'd welsh em. I'd make a miss or two, fest to put ’em off; then they’d double the odds. I'd do the trick. nele should collect the coin, and on we'd go again, You might come with us,” he — hy a kindly afterthought, to Sir AWDREW. Sir Anprew’s breath is literally taken away, and he replies, near! ,» an severely, "ee "t shoot glass balls from—from——”’ He hasn’t caught the name of the trap, Jr assists him to the word. } “* From us traps, eh?” says Jiu. “Oh, you'd soon do it with practice. If you came with me and Unele, as might drive the or beat the drum. We'd diddle ’em! Here, Waiter—I The Butler is doubtful as to being addressed as Waiter, but gets over it quickly, and attends to Jim’s request that he won’t put quite so much froth into his champagne next time. “I'll get the real stuff while I can,” he explains affably to Mr. ALEXANDER, “ as we're all going to the workhouse.” : _It is all in vain, after this, that Sir Awpnew to state his qryragsos bined fs Mie dee pasciite Gals vey Badin. pibereliy ' expresses in own e very y, y the effect that ‘‘ The Nigger ”"—meaning either the Amezr or CetTE- waro— will diddle us if we don’t him.” Asa rule he offers to back his opinions fora small sum. He is always betting half-a- crown that something is or isn’t, or won't or will. It is only a form of expression, and never finds any T is just the slightest bit full-flavoured. The guests are too polite to notice it. Not so Jam, who at once shouts out to our “T sa , Unele.” “ Wall ? ” ** Game ’s a bit lofty, eh? ” Then to the servant—not the Butler this time—who had neglected Jr's instructions as to filling his glass. 2 “* I say—here—you ’ll get yourself disliked, you will.” And the man, audibly tittering, has to return and make up for the deficiency. The conversation turns, at last, as it must do in Scotland, at least once during the evening, on Burns, and his merits as a song-writer are discussed. : **In his songs,”’ says Sir AwprEw, who has seized the opportunity presented to him by Jru’s having his mouth full of hot tart, to monopolise the conversation, ‘‘ Burns showed himself pre-eminently @ genius, His songs are unequalled. I know nothing, that, for athos, for true poetic fire, and for local colouring, can touch them. here is the song-writer nowadays?” ; Jim is equal to the occasion, and suddenly recovering from the effects of the over-hot fruit, he looks up and answers decidedly, ** MacpERMoTT?T.” Sir ANDREW elevates his eyebrows, and observes that he has never heard of the poet in question, whereupon Jim, resuming his currant and raspberry, says, . “ He’s first-rate. Writes’em and sings "em. tee? next time - ’re in town. Canterbury or Oxford,” he adds, with his mouth 1. ** An Oxford man, did you say?” asks Sir ANDREW. Jim nearly e xp . . i Cate tony =. ve there! Right you pre, 8a oses. imma! But, I say,” he goes on, cu or his list of Bi gh HR his subject as he ishes his tart, “have you heard Texry in Don Cesar and Little Dr. Faust ? * How does he do it?’ ‘The Continong—the Con 1?” and if it were not for the table, I am convineed that he give us an imitation, with dance to follow, on the spot. Buys, as a song-writer, is nowhere r this. ** T know a fellow who sings all the songs, and plays fine!” continues Jr, enthusiastically. “ You too. the banjo ° him down,

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Ocronzr 11, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. you’re fond of music,” he says, ay | across the table to Sir ANDREW, who at Gab panei lobe on if he could maneer 5 aap. ‘*You come ever and hear him = been pactoprented J an PEE en he adds, pleasantly wink- one, but a very dull for Jim, who becomes dreadf > ’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good, and consequent] Sunday is a real holiday for the unfortunate rabbits, who have | a miserable sort of hunted-down, in-and-out-of-a-hole existence since Jim’s arri The rabbits, for six days in the week, are papeeesy laying a game of hide-and-seek with Jr and his gun, ut on Sunday they appear with quite a festive air in the fields, sitting on the lawn, coming boldly up to the garden, and defying Jim, as it were, under his very nose. Music being agen 9 in Scotland on Sunday, Jim, fortunately imagining that his coach-horn, side-drum, and bugle come under this denomination, finds his occupation gone. Uncle ALLIson opneere in don 89 apparel for the Kirk. Top hat, frock-coat, and all ready ayes Park in the Season. This is calculated te produce a fine moral effect on his Nephew, as from this special costume, combined with a suitable air of sobriety, lemon-coloured gloves, and an ornamental prayer-book, you may pt ome ous importance of the “‘Sawbbath”’ in Scot- But all that it elicits from Nephew Jr, on seeing his Uncle thus arrayed, is, ‘‘ What a dawg!” which is not quite what was intended. e are kept vmpeden bo 1 the week by Nephew Jim, except Sunday, when his ly is something touching to behold. aoe shan, lass Salle bogie eile-drem und" the wothe bag of ae 8 , “ the tricks,” and we have to leave the land of Burews, and, as we drive away from ALLIson’s, where we have spent such « pleasant time, we take a last fond at our old friend, Benjamin Lomond, in the distance, wave our adieux to Burrws’s Monument, and say farewell to the genial hospitality of Ayr, hoping to return ere long. P.S.—I am a little puzzled at the station by the following notice— “ The 9.7 train will leave at 8.56, and be earlier. “ The 8.45 train will leave at 8.48, and be later up to Dumdoddie. “ The 11.50 will not leave before 12.” We choose the and come up to Town by one of Bunws’s fests Boss, and, a0 > my Deliieg, I fein, mest beastly in ephew ma» papfing stapemnant, 20 wa the cab window, “‘ All right up to now! Good-bye!” New Recrre ron Goosrsenry-Foot.—First catch your Fool, and then give him plenty of cheap Champagne. A SCRAP FOR THE SEA-SIDE. ne subjoined ry season- “Onn Caver or Batwing Acct- pants.—It is very y ts believed Tr way to take a Look before you leap head-foremost into the water, and see whether or no it is deep enough to drown you in case you should be seized with , at is, unless you are quite sure that your own frame is one of those vigorous organisms which are capable of sustaining the shock of sudden immersion in a cold bath ; an organism such as that of Captain Wess, or of a Polar Bear, if your organism is an ism of deubtful vigour, you will perhaps do well never to take a header at all unless in the presence of associates able to save you in case you sink, and on no account whatever to attempt sea-bathing in any society less worshipful than that of Companions of the Bath. A BISHOP BEFORE THE CURTAIN. Mr, Ponca, Iw the generally very proper address delivered the other day by the Bishop of Mancnester to the Social Science Congress, his Lordship, speaking of public agjsooments,, mate the following ob servations, in a measure, actually giving Episcopal countenance to e Stage !— “In the present state of artistic and literary education, the taste of our people is so coarse and unrefined, that it is almost impossible to prevent their amusements from degenerating into yap Dw Mrs, Tuxopone Martin, with that generosity which is of her, is this very night performing in the Theatre Royal, as a mark of respect to the memory of the late Mr. Cuantes Catvert, who did so much, not in Manchester only, but in other provincial towns, to the character of the Stage. I remember well, on one when I endeavoured to show in public my approbation of his efforte—for which Iam afraid I fell into the black books of many sincerely good, but y that in acknowledging what I said, he told me what uphill work he it, and how constantly his aims were defeated by the vicious public taste not of the lower class alone —which preferred what was and prurient, revolting.” If, Mr. Punch, these remarks had fallen Layman, I should have quite approved of But as for a iety, Sir, has v that he ought to know nothing theatres cept that, however unobjeectionably managed, they are for him, or any other Clergyman to be Bishop i the next x bon th’ the rest of i at large and listening to Mr. Inviwe. I enruay may Dow extremely 80 dreadful a defiance of Opinion would shock its acknowledged Representative Woman, Ever yours, faithfully, Marrua Guvwpy. course, if a he is capable of of Mancnesrer has ex- will be that his all the example of sitting

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 1], 1879. By ¥ WN v AYN \ Ser A -- oi \ ‘ . na ee (te = A — r= EP SF 7 - ~ Ow = ia ) [ i) fy, {i | i\\ WW y) / i | i ‘y hy Ip) hi, Wy | ‘i 7 Mee oes AVR — “CATCH ’EM ALIVE, OH!” Costermonger. ‘1 cay yours A Siguwocurg, Jim. You CLAPS THAT ’ERE PAPER ROUND YER ’AT, AND THERE YOU ARE—A PENNY EAcH !” Ply-Catcher. “Au, BUT LOOK AT THE LABOUR OF CATCHIN’ EM, AND STICKIN’ OF ’EM ON AT THE OUTSET, BILL!’ Ladies like cutting a dash, too, and verily She and my Lord ) bob been going it merrily ; Taking the shine out of rivals tremendously, Posing superbly, and spending stu Sabeeky All very proper to keep up her pecker; But then J have got to keep up—the Exchequer : And taking the shine out of enemies pluckily Takes shiners out of my cash-box, unluckily. Now, I much fear that long yawn seems to indicate More than indifference. I ean vindicate “FINANCE A LA MODE!” Steward Sir Stafford loquitur. ‘Ivy things would hoep quiet, and all would go smoothly!” Ha! ha! Sounds sardonic! The Earl may speak soothly ; But soft words, however their eloquence th ills, Will butter no parsnips, nor pay any bills. — = ! ws smoothly! Ah! that would bring balm ; ut what has bec 4g Pp” He may feel— rs = Sab iy i, ee All my transactions, but,—well, I'll be blowed Calm times make calm Stewards; but rackets don’t suit us. If I feel quite at home in Finance 4 la Mode ! Keep quiet’ Of that he has not the least notion. TE saan Three years of perpetual row and commotion TJ TIYATVT FULT aTyY OYmy avy GQerryryrawr??Y rsmrmarwaawnowg nartyvramr, wn AN AT wWrreérmecnA Tr we Have taxed the estate to a frightful extent. Has he any idea of the money he’s spent ? It’s nonsense to think of perpetual postponement, There must come a day of smash-up or atonement. He pooh-poohs my fears. Well, he’s cool as he’s clever, But this sort of thing cannot go on for ever. Outgoings still growing, diminishing income, And as for a settlement, whence will the tin come ? Decline on decline, all receipts in abatement ! Nice state of affairs to sum up in a statement ! With figures of speech you may do as you please, But figures like mine are no end of a tease. Fine phrases may soothe while the pocket-sense slumbers, But ’tis not so easy to juggle with numbers. Deft tropes lull the wits to convenient trance ; But you're always bowled out when you come to finance. My post becomes one of extreme infelicity. Once that most heavenly word, “ elasticity,” Comforted, cheered me, but now its sole token Is bounce, and my spirit for that’s getting broken. Mistress, too! Do not quite relish Aer attitude: So as I've flattered her! Like woman’s gratitude ! A COMPLIMENTARY SERMON. Tue Primitive Methodists of Harwich have erected an iron church there ; and, according to the Harwich and Dovercourt Newsman— “ The ory! services were held on Sunday last. In the morning the place was tilled by a respectable congregation, when the service was conducted by the Rev. E. 8. Su1eips, who took for the text of his sermon the words of atthew xxi. 13—‘ My house shall be called a house of prayer, but ye have made it a den of thieves,’ and also using the parallel passage in Mark xi. 17.” In the evening Mr. Surexps preached another sermon, and a third was delivered by the Rev. W. Firpy. With reference to these sermons, inclusive of the morning sermon, we are further told that— “ The whole of the discourses were eminently practical and appropriate.” Not only practical, but likewise appropriate, and that not the evening discourses alone, but the morning discourse, too, observe. And yet the hearers of the latter discourse are expressly eulogised as a respectable congregation. How, dear friends, could a discourse have been appropriate to a congregation of any respectability if it was at all appropriate to denizens of a den of thieves? At any rate however, its preacher seems to have been a faithful minister an plain-spoken man. "TWaAA *e21OTY “AST 407 ‘gate FT

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocroser 11, 1879 4 \Y \ be * NY \\\ \ Wa \ Wt \\ a= Shy ve ‘FINANCE A LA MODE!” (APTER HOGARTH—A VERY LONG WAY.) “IT WILL SCARCELY BE POSSIBLE TO GO ON CARRYING FORWARD LIABILITIES IN THIS INDEFINITE WAY.”—Times, Oct. Ist, 1879.

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Ocroser 11, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 165

SPORT IN A LONDON SQUARE. salmon” to be fished - or is. Cove season ; and in case many pheasants as a °.. Soveth Square, the noble Lord ma ae ee | has been shooting there since POLITICAL PUBLICANISM. Is the honourable Baron the tative alike o merry Carlisle and the melan- choly United Kingdom Alli- ance, quite sure of the coe ef words Lg i to a report, he quoted as age 4 in a speech addressed by him one day last week, in his usual comic style to a m of the Scotch Permissive Bill / analingus e approaching a the next Election— * All parties i, ready. The sy vit al were = t at 4 of thelr “feneta they had - aoe as their m * More liquor and less law.’ ” Is Sir Witrrip quite sure t the two last words of the ‘‘ Wittlers’” motto? wal he rg to pony that hat oily enunciated, quer ba was not a ad rent few people perhaps are aware 0 existence of the rus in urbe—so to describe the West End of London — which a ee > hak re ge mall very pleasant one, but, out of Junior bees ge the name most of the the Orleans London, the one Club at Twickenham, which, with its gardens — lawn-tennis it is difficult therefore to = is a delightful resort in June, an d a more June-ier Club than this. KENNEL CLUB.—No one can be elected unless he has qualified as “a reg Dawg.” Puppies not admitted. KEW GARDENS.—The place to spend a happy day; ways feel in ever hipped you may be, when you once get here, you Kew for enjoyment. Here you will find Kew, and eles alsoarest. The G -niary assistance from the are entirely s rted b f tion Fund. Lic, summer are here heard the Kew-rates A first notes of the bird yo Bd to the place, called the Kew-Kew. Kee dad i a are aed ee the w plotreeqae in fact the ew d’cil is pI yy ving Son gardeners w decry eat Kew fr Sermo an gv elag wor y people prefer eo to Kew for a day’s outing, instead of Kye Seats, which ’Azry says is ‘ uncommon Kew-ri'’-ous. KING’S COLLEGE, Srrawp.—Built for the education of the Royal Family. Princes half price. LAMBETH my ty ~aaapeee Westminster (where the Car- dinal Archbishop with Eamabeth \ (ahave S Archbishop of CaNTERBURY > latter sa a fine view of an Eminence,” and the Ca ae iendly observes that ‘he wouldn’t injure a hair of the Archbishop" . sais. ao clin toteniene Archi-bald-téte.” Such little amenities are r+. _ between the two Prelates. One evening His Eminen down to dinner, and had just said his Grace to himeeif, w: when a head popped itself in at the door, There are for how- ho — and exclaimed, ‘‘That’s me!” It was His Grace the Archbisho of Canterbury. Just then the clock struck. ‘The Cardinal pau counted the strokes, and then said, ‘‘ Ancure, you know the dinner- hour? Dinna forget, eh?” His Grace instantly replied, *‘ Eh, mon ! but it’s just eight/” His Eminence perceived e meant, Y Just Tate ;” and, after highly complimenting him, as a Sectehenad, on his sense of humour, invited him to and gave him a lass of the finest old crusted toast-and-water in 's LAW COURTS,—Built catively | by Lawyers. Nobody believes this: hence the incredulous expression, ‘ ao yer don’t say so!” The basement is entirely devoted to lawyers in full » who are ready to attend to customers who may want a little law at any hour of the day from ten to four, business is conducted on lan as that of the tive Stores. Sarbedy w, goes in and asks fora case. It is sold y in tins, invented for the purpose, by the celebrated ra Rouen Just-TInnY-uN. The are—For a single opinion, raph t or two for 15s, 6d, , is 3s. 4d. ; a quarter, is 1s. 8d. - : but th oy L. 1 Jess. You ay practise hear an in gnant aie 5 not an ge on!” and he will demand that it shall in the scales which are usually kept on the counter. oun examine your areal a a waving, to +4 whether they ’ve given you O inions or Spanish eee be obtained here, A’ iy et Chauntseller, LE! R SQUARE.—The London, with a statue of SHaxspeanre in the centre. Oncea ae wilderness, now a com- den of Paradise, which ht to have been called the aron GRANT, since ‘it was to his munificent grant of barren land that the Square owes its present ed appearance. Here all nations are represen if ee undertook the picture, like yee A described bed by, SUAKSPRARE in Henry the Fourth, the painted full of uare m > Re OF oleh tod Maine etes-house in the 2 City, where business is transacted, a full account of the w much the same uiring some always call for the Steward and a basin-—of soup in the refr room. If you feel like ft, you ean sees Capésin of a voosdl in the luncheon room, and go for a sale, at 2.30 r.m. You may not stay in Liorp’s unless you have business to transact, for as a German

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ter | rei ‘ sorbadll thy vi) a tigee ONE KILT InTrEELy !”’ Tim, **'’Dezp I wim nor! [Ocropea 11, 1879, > a/ ro ef SS ~~~ o~. a o— ~ a es Ee - | | q/ —_— — = OF THE FAMILY. Wife. *‘ Tim, YE’LL NOT LET THIM PORTERS KETCH HOULD 0’ THE PiG, AND STICK IT IN THE VAN? Tag poor Cre’ATUR’LL BE THE WHOLE FOWER IV Us’LL GO THEGITHER !” Shipping Agent will inform you, ‘‘ You are not permitted to Lloyder about the room.” LONDON CRYSTAL PALACE,—(See Tue Beaviz.) LONG ACRE.—Spelt originally “‘ Long Acher,” and inhabited only by Dentists, to whom an A troubled with a tooth that had long ached went, and had his acher extracted. corps . very pretty one, enli songs, ‘ormation Scene brought about by a touch of the Lory CuaMBERLAIN’s wand. As for the Lory CuamBeriary himself, he always speaks in rhyme wears knee-breeches, doublet, and large i ingestey + w Ly toa i ° ya sings a short y aad by way of an effective exit. A large head, and is paid extra. The Lo ition of an Actor’s services mous whom and for whom his best labours had been memorial performances at the Theatre Royal, Manchester, in honour of Canes CaLvert, prematurely cut off, and for the benefit of his widow and family. e was less famous as an Actor—tho asjan Actor he had many and rare merits— asa . In latter character he did more for the elevation and development of oe higher ee co and i i is any provincial = anager on record, an any metropolitan ex: Macrgapy, Cuartes Kean, and Puetps. The Prince’s Theatre, under his direction, was an arena for the tasteful and thoughtf combination of all the Arts—scenic, musical, pictorial—which unite with the work of the dramatist to make the Stage the meeting-place of all the Arts, visible, audible, and intellectual. In this . Caries CaLveRt in the course of his ten a of t Prince’s Theatre did more for the imaginative and artistic education of Manchester, and its densel o—— neighbourhood, than eny other agency did or could have done. , Punch may rush in where a Bishop has not feared[to tread, in paying this honour to his memory. And last week’s memorial per- ormance of As You Like It, im which Miss Hetew Favcir was proud to associate herself with a body of amateur A including itan and provincial notables in Art and Litera’ is not less worthy of record, as a tribute of Artists to an Artist, for the active part borne in organising and conducting it by a Com- mittee including the leading citizens of the manufacturing capital. Civie worthies have rarely been so ready to recognise a Worthy con- ception and fulfilment of the educational and intellectual functions of a well-directed cues. Still more rarely Bishops. Manchester's “ and ecclesiastical dignitaries are, in Punch’s opinion, alike to Punch notes this performance for all these reasons, and that he may scy, in conclusion, both to Bishops, Managers, and municipal worthies, ‘‘ Go ye and do likewise.” Pons Asmvorum.— London Bridge, the worse for its proposed i ments.

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Ocroper 11, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE “A VITAL QUESTION.” Brown (picking up Volume from Club table). Livinet’ Wnar DO you saY, JonEs?” Jones, ‘‘H’m !—1T DEPENDS. Rassit ror Suprer, Yes/ YOU SEE; AND, WHAT’s morE, I’M NOT GOING TO. Brown. *‘So po I!” LON DON *“Utto! wHAt’s THIS? Ir I’m Gornc TO HAVE CoRRIED Lopster anp Wetsn Ir I’ve HAD Currirep Lopsten anp Weisn Rapsit ror Surren, No/ But 1l’ve wor wap Curriep Lopster anp WetsH Rassir For ates So I arve it ur!” [Zaeunt, each to his respective business or pleasure, as the case may be. c CH: ARIVARI. CHAIRS! CHAIRS! InpIA seems in a ped way than w 0 fnagees. another loan from England 7” Soren, men cannot afford the com- ment, sonar] furniture. We read with oy and a on Dr the injurious Pog Fe aheogge roduce = the 4d pK, the iahowing ta legram :— “General Ronerts received Yaxoon Kuan, Daovup Suan, and Mustavr: Hasinvtta in durbar on Monday. The paucity of chairs pre- vented more Sirdars from attending.’ We hope Professor Fawcett, or some other Member of Parliament, will get to the bottom of this most mod and i ** paucity of chairs,”’ | and influential Chiefs wane rom personally testifying their the tovendign _ ay . Why was lack of seats not foreseen and reme- fed? Surely the resources of India are not fo Sapavemees os te east 6 maegenate out ay ith some cabinet-maker at Calcutta or ~ the Viesroy telegraph « nt Pp ae not e Viceroy an urgen menage » his friend the Prime Minister, to send out, without on ee hour's of those phen cheap and goon ond fal in ‘the immediate pires before now have = illed and tempers lost eit ; far worse a - most comfortable and pach, chairs of state that can be purchased in Oxford or Wardour Street, Legal Ownership of Limbs. Tue Solicitors’ Journal instances a new legal question which has arisen at Washing- ton ; that of the right to a pair of legs, am ae there- as his perquisites, spirits ts and d SP es ee or exhibition, in a jar labelled with the name of owner, = claims them as his property. The uiring tion seems to be w e sur- ‘goon who has removed another ens legs a right to walk off with them. ‘Is Lire wortn THE BRAVE BOULONNAIS. (To be translated into French by M. Fictor Nogo.) Ir was a grand sight. It was the meeting of Valour and Domestic Love. It was more than —it was glorious. “* You are prepared to brave the storm ?” said his wife. “Tam and he put on a water-proof over coats. ‘* The brave are always prudent; which is the ~= be cause = ou shall “My mother!” cd oe exclaimed, and fell upon his knees. He was a good son, and knew to what shrine he owed obedience and devotion. »” she repeated. “It will rain. If it rains "you get wet, you will catch cold. You shall Bt EO ite and children threw themselves on the ground before the woman, and implored her to alter her decision. “I beg of you,” Maid his wife, “* in the name of humanity. The uman race calls out to him to come.’ The human race may eall,” meplied his mother. Then she added, ineffectuall y:” ~~ My mother,” he said, 7 Booting hes tendedy, | my mission is a that I wear an enor- to save life! I to beswans I hav mh The sea is perfectly calm, sys ee sehen To waver, in a woman, is to be half con- ou aa the hae ag of France.” to F. manos, ” and she submitted. He tenderly. Kissed vod fis chi ~ eapene his wife, and fell upon his knees to receive his antete © Then he stamped three times, struck an attitude, and after his fa y had admired him in it, deft the room. g gift, my son,” cried his mother, opening the window. Then = threw out AT, in the street a large woollen comforter, a an um! e ° fall’ u _ knees, and amalgamated the articles with his casteme. , for the second time, he received his mother’s g. When he reached the sands he trembled. He did more than tremble. His cheek blanched, and his heart (for a moment) stood quite still “Tt is getting rough!” And he fell upon his knees, and wept bitterly. hy a oa sight! The Man and the Ocean! ey were equals ! had salt waves, o Man salt tears. The waves and the | tear were soon mingled! It was refined sensibility meeting rugged Nature half way ! Then there was a storm. Peace met War. Peace was represented M4 a bathing-machine. A bathing-machine is an emblem of peace + ee cannot be used as a castle—it may sometimes ty Sp a barricade. Buta is also an emblem of peace. The storm, the eaublems of wae, must the bathine-mechine, the emblem of . War was the victor, and the bathing-machine was overtu And what was the life-eaver doing when this incident occurred ’

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| dent, he roused himself. | 168 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. He was still lying on the sand, weeping bitterly. Seeing the acci- **T must do my duty,” he murmured, and blew his horn. Then there was a cry for him to come into the water. He shook his head. An Englishman him to enter the sea—up to his knees. He shook his head disdain ly. Then the Mayor and the Municipality advanced. ‘‘ You will enter the sea?” they asked. “No,” he replied, “I cannot.” Then the Mayor and the Municipality held a consultation. After an hour they asked him a second question— ** Why will you not enter the sea?” He promptly, “If I enter the sea, my boots will become comp, Damp will damage my boots. I do not wish to damage my ots.” A second time they held a consultation. It was longer than the first, When it was over, they asked him a third question— * And why do you not wish to damage your boots ?” ** Because my boots belong to France! Long live France!” And they all cried, “‘ Long live France!” and went home. OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. Prince of Wales's—St. James’ s—Lyceum— Gaiety— Vaudeville— v and ** Rescued” at the Adelphi, . Gas a the theatres day,” so I must be on the t. calls there is Yours truly. Baxcrort expects that eve man Some yh will do his Duty. And, if Duty is to come before pleasure, then the sooner it ’s over the better. Im with this sentiment, I went to the Albery-Sardou play j well ;” and, for some peo- ple, it is-ar-du-ty to see it. As might ex- pected, where the antho- rities put on a Duty, = a deal oe might vantageously excised. I will return to the subject next week, only remarking, en at- tendant,’that this new Duty, at the fashionable-custom-house, is not by any means an unwarrantable imposition. That Les Bancrort should pot be in it is a mistake, for without their joint names to a bill, in this particular quarter, its chances of being are consider- ably lessened. Still, undoubtedly there is value received, and care, time, trouble, and expenditure will be more than their own reward. Messrs. Hane and Kewpat have opened the Theatre that is dedicated to St. James—clearly a union of Church and Stage. Asa _ beginning, it is done brown outside, and has been thoroughly one up within. Rajah VaL Paryser’s Comedietta is the novelty, of which more anon. Mr. Invene is giving us deep notes out of his Jron Chest, and Mrs. Bateman opens the Family Theatre, with a Family Cirele at reasonable —, in Paetps’s old Sadler's Wells. May the new. Lessee find nothing but wells and no ills. Why the Wells of the Sadlers, with an additional ‘‘'d”—a little one in, not a ‘‘great big D”—should never have been appropriately taken as a circus I can’t make out, except that it is true you may take your horses to the Wells, but you can’t make ’em draw,—or, rather, can’t make ’em Drink,—but then Drink is al-readey at the Princess's, which leans on a Reape as strong as an oak. Mrs. Bate- MAN must have one performance under the of the Saddlers’ Guild, and then all Saddler Swells will in stalls. As the Gaiety shows us Necture Farren, Mesars. Royce and Evton on horseback, it is evident that The Grand imir i into equestrian spirit N that, sheer nervousness, when sho came to her songs, che found henaslf ¢ tittle heaves. Mr. Epwarp Terry is gorgeous as the Lion Tamer, and Mr. Sovtar as the Corsican Galetti, proves once more that nothing is out of his there is the usual Gaiety Gal-axy of beauty and musical talent. are joining in chorus ; of “*’Tis our opening a [Ocroper 11, 1879. ultra crepidam,” doesn’t apply to him. In the Cireus Assistants “Galaxy” must not be pronounced Gal- , Roses are blooming at the Vaudeville; and The Domestics the audience in a roar till eleven. ext door, at the Adelphi, the Mesers. Gartr have a sort of Journal-Adelphi Drama in Mr. Bovetcauit’s Rescued, So strong a cast for a Melodrama can be seen nowhere else, here, or in Paris. Messrs. Hewny Nevittz, Ferwanpez, Hermann Vezin, J.G. Tayion, with Misses Pareman, Lyp1a Foots, Lovise Moopre, A Harris, Emriy Duncan, an are “all in it.” What the story precisely is I am unable to say; but Jack half a chap Weatherty hes invented a swing- and is onl after fog Pet Se Deir to cone 46 Galen 0 emall bor is the heir, while Count , a sort of Robert Macaire, with his Jacques Strop, in Widdicuff—so like Go dein for Wip- picomp—are the two villains who i t ’s bad, for the sake of getting something fod. and are foiled in the end,—which sounds like being thoroughly case-hardened villains,—by an Irish Obstructive or Detective,—who never detects anything until the villain absolutely discovers himself,—an amiable lawyer, called very originally, Mr. Manifold, and three comic , one of whom is Jerry Tarbox, whieh, like the aforesaid Mr. Mansfold, is an example of a good old style of dramatie nomenclature, reminding us of Y ; ; . Drawer ; Sweep, Mr. and itally put on the stage. The brides, rs | The Hee train, alone is sufficient for the . Thea seemed to take the train The Scene should u y- described in the Dill as ‘‘ written expressly for the Adelphi.” The affectionate interest displayed by the resplendent Jegmenm, in white Berlin gloves, and housemaids of Mount A in the misfor- tunes of their master,—the Earl of Mount Audley, who in his frock- coat, top-hat, and irreproachable trow: t have walked out o one “ the ill : of a fe ® The Te 7 cued deeply touching—thoug’ in ordinary life, if private family affairs mee Ay aS py omy between the master of the house, on the one and a lawyer and his client, on the other, the sudden appearance of the entire household, listening with breathless interest to the legal difficulties into which their master found himself unex- y plunged, would lead to their being peremptorily ordered k again to mind their own business in the servants’ hall, or even to their being dismissed en masse for their umwarrantable imper- tinence. Such, however, at the Adelphi, is not the view taken of the conduct of his domestics by the kind-hearted but weak elderly nobleman, the Earl of Mount Audley’s Secret, who seems to have a very dis-audley set of servants. There is a rather pathetic though utterly improbable under-plot, of which Miss Lypra Foore and Miss Louise Moopre are the heroines, and altogether the alternation of light and shade, the chivalric bearing of Mr. Nrevrixe, the sympathetic me | of Miss Pareman, and Mr. Vezry’s forcible impersonation of the double-tongue’d villain, ought, with the Sensation Scene, to insure a considerable run for the Adelphi Drama of Rescued. That’s enough for this week, except one word to the Messrs. Gatr1 —Do lower your orchestra, not reduce them, but lower them, or let them disappear entirely under the . Mr. W. C, Levy is a first- rate man for the place, and his melodramatic music illustrative of the situations is excellent—but he is like the ‘‘ sweet little cherub” in the old nautical ballad, “‘ perched up aloft,” where—the illustra- tion of the ‘‘ little cherub” no longer holding good—he intercepts the view of the stage, just at every criti moment when the unfortunately-placed and deeply-interested spectator, in the stall behind, wants to follow with his eyes every detail of the action. When nothing particular is going on, that is, when the business of the scene is uninteresting, then the Conductor and most of the band wisely disappear ; but, the instant that something exciting is about to happen, back ner all come again, and, as the chief actor in the situation is invariably in the centre, he or she, is, at onee and com- pletely, lost to the view of at least the above-mentioned er Hwan | occupant, who has to dodge his head right and left, much to the inconvenience of his neighbours, in order to see what is going on. That’s all. It’s of no ae eg a perhaps, but it’s worth men- tioning, when even at musical houses, where they should be to the fore, musicians are disappearing from view, unlike good boys, to be heard and not seen by Your REPRESENTATIVE. success of this class of piece THE WORST OF FARMING, Wuarever some Farmers may think of Protection as a remedy for Agricultural Distress, others are evidently decided anti-Protec- tionists—the Baby Farmers, whose farming would be utterly spoiled reach—not even a top note; so that the old proverb, ‘“‘ Ne Sovrar if due Protection were secured for Babies. a ane gt oe In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a stamped . and directed mveciope. should be kept.

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Octoper 18, 1879. ] GIRLS AMONG GALLIPOTS. [tastings BrapNeL. Ne of for reed i a mm ves private Shentite an F.. i who ~y a difficulty in ob- dispensers to be de- am = | upon for sabetete, and oo would be advisable to em- ploy female assistants, and —, fairly-educated women ely, comfortably, per and easily, un- Sertake » the that at Clearly an excellent ~—— 4 tion. The girl who, papers ; to put up ure 0 opium for black dose, or oxalic acid for Epsom salts, substitute corrosive sublimate for ies, mel, or weigh out 3 of arsenic or tartrate of antimony, would bea very exceptional persea Re, gy taught ae would 's blunder, wore ly in love. she ever so the art “ta peculiar qualifications have a conferred be ature on the nimble-fingered, nice, and careful sex. with to measure, and in matters of weight going d be Lente by female scrupulosity. Ayer draughts would come natural a , then, pede ve ry him do better than one the gentler gender; and would not y », her to earn, act a great deal more offer ac- cepting | other offers th that = ya 4 po Ay oad chalk, ‘ Belden tore out as rn en ant ernie were a mn in sertgesship, be aoe SS See the dotor woul dispense with cay cther alguna FROM THE PHILISTINE POINT OF VIEW. (Being the Opinions of a Smart Young Man on Pessimism.) See ye = maton, ob 0 ntaet vaille mabent ue l’étre? Ces it étrangement aux pr i brat a Tar activité, wen va Aig propre j des progrés de la —— ment élégiaque s’accommode a qh pg ee da our rage ct Die-newoitms Bicele,” par Cano. a , 8eem to increase he sepient Daxiy would pay. as the sapient Daxwix would isthe Latet old word, that a ted a Took ay . pose § What rot! Wh To which ve worth That of cour it depends on the girl andthe brand. It’s astonishing, D ous bosh These Mt pa ft real really won’t wash himself among Sages, ering on for some hundreds of pages, oo ok ah 8 eae riddle as this is, And finds at the finis the answer he misses. Life! What sort of life? That’s the cruz, after all. [heme Ta chap Sneha some moony and spoony existence a dh cap ew tied verti ant” sia sree _PUNCH, _OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL If the man means the latter, I'll ensueh detesie, The drowse of the cy wsthetical But Ream rts my dear boy, ll show them that life is a thing to enjoy, pro Pe feed he pouas ane Gave ghost, Beginning in doldrums and ending in doubt. Here’s the tip that to those who an ive Life’s only worth piving te Neat and not nubilistic, I Bey Nel Lon day. ’s my maxim all found, is just what we rR sense and no clouds! ‘i what Saites Seale Oe Se me ple _— m ement ’s worth ar Reel ta that from to nor I hold of all sherry, From Buryz Jones's to the acting of Terky, A man of the world is the very best jud And what he can’t fathom is mostly ’d give :— Ichabod ? It = pk hart mah gor oc Nine- 0, 357-5 gastric Jay yl g leanness of -~ a Who Trappiste ths wl ' nape ol =! rapp an y ellows Who, i in me of the wind, must cut open the bellows. It’s all this confounded new fad for analysis, zis pe poking and prying that ends in ysis. n’ appuyez a trop! That’s the style. Til Tt SF Ee toon ‘vo coomeh ib jock toseniane, cy they ’ve prov: e is just protop i love a mere vortex, and laughter a they are, let’s give thanks at present, nN pont ie dal delightful, the spasm is pleasant. And as for the future, can Declare if it leads to a ng or T No; he ends with a tag vague as fi ++ * aa An knows just as much of the issue as I Real life’s ** real jam, "and what 1 beg to tate is I’m not yet inclined i ery, ‘“‘ Ohe! jam satis,” Worth living, or not, I play out my part, And a fig for the funkers ! Yours truly, Jack Smanr. A Serious Business, Ix a leading article on the other i the Times the coeupatiene ona ** A man and woman, they marry, constitute a firm ne’ we may add, too often turns out a partnership of unlimited liability AN ENLARGED DEFINITION, rhea oe gm according to Jonnsonx)—Love of one’s own country : to Jingo)—Love of other peoples’ coun weent Eccr OanameEnt.—(Neat and A R as ( and appropriate.) For tue Booxstatis.—The First Lord of the Admiralty’s late official tour—*‘ On sail or return,” Tue Rear Onstactx To Ametionation or Barrisn Dramatic Art.—Starry Influences. A Mysrentovs Trritz.—Mr. VOL. LXXVII.

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!

Ocroser 18, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Ovu1, Mowsteur Le Proressece.” eT eat Willd hi Governess and Young Ladies. ** OMMODATS 88 SKAIT To ze Biack Borrer, ve MAKE Zz Porators JUMP ; Tour est pret, J 'eertae ?

ALLons, MespeMormecoes ! Enter Monsieur Maxime Béchamel, Chevalier du Cordon Bleu. AN OPEN QUESTION. Lady Visitor. *‘ Sarton, PRAY 18 THAT A Lire-Boat!” Native Salt, “‘ Toat I can’t sany, M’um! Att I xyow 1s, I rounp nen Borrom-vp on THE ‘Guyryieer’!” MYSTERIES OF ZE OMELETTE AUX FINES HERBES, VE AC*

a and is excellently played by every one, down to the old famil OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. Butler, who affab yiintrudes’ himself into the onversation of hi The Prince of Wales's as ised—The Alhambra— Lyceum— ee? ee — = =, oa vo, f prone sedi 1s Welle allades to some coming time as one when “we shall be at our S1n,—Before pleasure, Duty. And the first question I would put| In the Third Act the elevated butler, who, probably has all the to the child of disses and ALBERY would be, 4 Who gave you that | back numbers of the London Journal bound in his pantry, name?” the probable answer being, ‘‘My Godfather, Mr. Ban- to somebody’s question as to Deene, replies, ‘‘ My Lady left the crort, and my Godmother, Mrs. Bancrort.” The next interrogation | room but this minute.” Apart. this peculiarity, there’s not a be, most certainly, ‘‘ And what on earth induced them to give better Butler on the stage at this moment. Requiescat in pantry. you that name?” To which, after some very natural hesitation,| Mr. Conway, as Sir Geoffrey, plays a most difficult part in a the reply would be given, ‘‘ Well—because it looks well in the bills.” | manner that leaves very little to be desired, and that little is in his f play inculeate any lesson of true moral duty? No: but| agony scene, where a certain hardness and conventionality mar the it shows what might be the result of a fine old English Gentleman, | illusion of the situation. Perhaps it is partly the fault of the one of the olden time, not having done Ais duty. character itself. _ The late Sir Geoffrey Deene, Bart., was an old black —there| As for Mable Holne, who mincingly speaks of Sir Geoffrey as the is no mincing the matter—who seduced Marcelle A y under a “* popular burrough-net,”’ she is so irritating with her obvious ‘‘ make i he himself being at the same time a respectable | up,” and her obtrusive ingenuousness, as to enlist the audience en- a family. I can imagine this/|tirely on the side of Mrs. Trelawny Smith, when that Lady ex- old slyboots going to Marcelle, with a cold in his head pes gan ing, | presses her detestation of Mabel’s “affected simplicity.” Mr. will barry you, Bar-celle!” Well, he didn’t do his duty,| Arseny has intended an ingénue, aad the result is a gusher. when poor Marcelle turns up unex y, and She to the very last ; for even in the final Act, when everything to conclude the purchase of her | has explained satisfactorily by everybody to everybody else, i do Ais duty, when he | except, strangely enough, and by ight, to her and so breaks comes in rushing and gushing it were, killing | claiming sweetly, ‘‘ Now I am so "—but wh es and Mr. ALbery (and perhaps Mr. and Mrs. Bancnrort),/only now. ;| Mrs. Jomw Woon’s Mrs. Trelawny Smith is “ immense,””—but the stage of the Prince of Wales's isn’t. Mr. Atpeny should have made this character explain why she directs her children’s movements by on the back of a book bound in boards. In France, where in co. and convent chapels, and in all large churches, the movements of the acolytes are invariabl sepeates 7 eee this method h y seized by M. course, a telling point with the audience. In explanation, the action is unintelligible

Exit Herr Klein, the Music-Master. “ Bow your, Mespemorsettes! To-pay ve construct ze Sours A L'OIWNON, VE APPROFONDISE ZE I | * iz || 2 | a) 4 a) ra) 5 3 | 4 Sd £ z . - . 5 < 2) Sy oo - < P| g £ F # | = i 7 <

|

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=— have seen use. Mr. Anravr Cecrt has never played so well as in this part of John Hamond, M.P., to whom Mr. Atsery has given far and away the best of the dialogue—the best because always natural, always in keeping with the character, and never once labouring for a point, or striving to produce an imitation-Dickens simile. Into almost every other character Mr. Antaur Cecit has had, something more or less of the grotesque has entered. Here there is nothing of the sort, and it is an excellent performance. it abroad, been struck by it, and adopted it for private In one of the most difficult situations ever pone on the Stage, | Leah Miss Liypa Drerz, ag Marcelle Aubry, victim of the late lamented Sir Geoffrey, by her most artistic impersonation carries her audience with where it was more yoga an audience would begin by bein i by being decided! bored. Her story, told by herself, and coming at a most cri time, when every second of delay is fraught with dan iece, is admirably written, and as admirably After earing it, Sir Geoffrey looks up at the it of his “ Awful Dad,” and exclaims that what he has h is ‘too horrible to be true!” Why? There’s nothing whatever “horrible” about it. It is a disillasion—a painful disillusion, perha i scream, and pant, and tear one’s hair about. “‘ Governor having gone in for this sort of ting a far more natural remark, and young Sir Geoffr Hamond, or his friend Dick F. we (well played by Mr. Forzes Ropertson) would have comforted him by o ing that ‘* Boys will be boys, specially when they’re old s”—and there would have been an end of the matter. The si of piece, when once arrived at, is very strong, no doubt about it. But after that, the last Act is tediously spun out, for the sake of a series of utterly purposeless scenes between any of the characters whose parts it has apparently struck the author—I mean Mr. Sanpov—ought to be ‘** written up a bit.” The last Act is a day after the fair, and a melancholy day, too. Les Bancrort should have been in the bill ; but perhaps their policy is se reculer here, pour mieux sauter at the Haymarket. New dish, “ Bancroft sautés,” At the Alhambra, Lecoce’s La Petite Mademoiselle has been suc- cessfully produced. What the plot of this comic opera may be, after sitting out three Acts, I have only the very vaguest idea—indeed, I am perfectly certain, that, at this moment, if Mr. Coartes Morton were at my head with a pistol, I could not tell it to save my life. Perhaps the plot, like other conspiracies, is a secret. If so, i on earth, not even a dinner given me by the tors of the Alhambra Company, should coerce me to divulge it. But what does the rome | matter? Nothing. Here are bright scenes, music with plenty « “go” in it, graceful forms, voices, first-rate band con- ucted by Three-Fingered Jack Oxnr (I mean M. Jacop1,—but what ’s become of that delightful old play, Obi; or Three- Fingered Jack ?) and Mr. Paviron exactly suited by Mr. Rexce with a very funny, and punny, —, the speech about the battle, in Mr. Paviron’s humorously dry lecture style, going with roars of laughter. This last will grow, or I am much mistaken. Mr. Hewry 8. Gu wrote the words of the , but I hadn’t a book, and, ex a few lines here and there, intelligible when either Miss Arice May, or Miss a word. Perhaps the plot missed it. Losesy was singing, I couldn’t catch was in the songs: if so, that is why I The most successful morceaur were Mr. K ELLEHER’S first song, and his next in the Second Act. What they were about I don’t | amy so can only praise the music and the vocalisation. Miss Losesy’s| and battle-song & Act IL, well s and deservedly encored, and the finale of this Act, chorus and difficult solo, sung by Miss Losesy, very effective, and of course enco’ The most taking song, however, was Miss Atice May’s in the Third Act, when she enters as an Astrologer. This obtained quite the heartiest encore of the evening. The air of the Doctor’s Trio dance in the last A closely resembles the celebrated Can-can in hée aux Enfers, an in , from first to last, the music bears always such a family resemblance to ing else that one has heard before, as to ent it ever rising above the commonplace; but, on the other there ’s quite enough of “go” and “‘show” in it to fill the Alhambra up to ist: when the Directors can meet, and the Chairman can on his knees toa ing sharehol and tashe ¢ deceeciion of tas ner con when a See of SHAKSPEARE, in the centre of the nature makes the whole world kin. Losesy: they can’t lose by Loszsy. These whe have net rot. sen thet suriasity The Iron Chest, how'd hasten to do so before ever. Itisa play with one strong part in ey: . Invixe’s Sir Edward Mortimer isa fine performance. Eretze-oving pabiio nel ages for bie Bhy- lock, which will be produced if possible before Christmas; but, in meantime, that the theatre-going public should fill Mr. [xvixe’s tin PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 18, 1879, box, by seeing his Jron Chest is the advice of that veteran—I mean that inveterate playgoer, Your REPRESENTATIVE. P.S. In the piece at the Lyceum it is odd that Mr. Inviye never once opens his own chest, but when his secretary does it for him, then he sings out. Nota bene—as the man said when he couldn’t get des haricots at a restaurants. P.S. No. 2.—As, in a postscript I cannot do full justice to the speing of Sadler’s Wells under Mrs. Bareman’s m ment, I will keep this for my next. Suffice it to say, that Miss Baremay, our Queen , received a perfect ovation on appearing be the Curtain to perform that most difficult of all tasks, the delivery of an inaugural and there was real water from the wells in the third Act, so that when asked ‘‘ What’s running at Sadler's Wells ?” we trast that the Manageress will make Rob Hoy Macgregor 0,” Bo ress will make *‘ iy Roy Macgregor ; and, judging from the ast, it seems likely enough that Mrs. EMAN has been wise in not following the old adage which recommends us to “‘ Leave Wells alone.” More = “PEACE WITH HONOUR,” IN ITS LATEST DIPLOMATIC ILLUSTRATION, (A tale founded on fact.) One sultry day towards the close of the summer, two shabbily— not to say agnalidly—drensed foreigners, of European complexion b, might have been seen wearily driving a small and shackle. one-horse cart, seemingly laden with garden stuff, tl the streets of Mandalay to the quay which serves as the embarkation for the steamers, through which the capi Golden Realm is linked with the outer world. In spite of their miserable dresses and wretchedly-horsed vehicle, these barbarians oe Oe unmistaka td oo hoes sag Oy oopenter mee RS A was even some of dignity in the of their ! their movements, and the tone fh which they eddvened each other, low as it was, and evidently suppressed by an ever-present conscious- ness of the danger of being overheard. ‘ “ A brilliant idea of the Resident,” whispered the elder, after a Gongs ssvund, ** thus to send to a place of safety the Archives of the i y, with his own plate, linen, and ready money, with- out exciting suspicion! Who would believe that under cover of these Seti vegetables are hidden the secrets of Issperial Policy, as well as the most precious portion of the personal belongings of the haughty Representative of that mighty Empire upon which the a ye bg estioned, unsuspected : soon th saying, on unquestioned, : soon the steamer was , and the contents of the carts safely stowed on While this scene was peasing in the long-shore uarter of Manda- lay, the Representative of the British Empire, in his pavilion in the

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( yap was receiving the Woong-Wang, or Chief Minister, of the mad Monarch who now keeps his miserable subjects, from nighost to lowest, ret = Py meer} re inebriated nod. t was a strange encounter that of the English diplomatist—genial, self-possessed, urbane, not to a oy i of manner, and the Burmese — overbearing, not to say offensive in bearing, look, and | to * rs suppose we shall have to tolerate the unwelcome and unsought presence of you B begetiy es monger among us for the next seventeen years ?” % in aii eax *s dan ae ok answer, as the Poon oa the question by, ate twinkle of iaraly onceald on ee Woong- been =e - Sad ware, in welt clooga ie eye. ~ But my? m gees ri as you persist in pactiag on your tongue at me before declining to answer any of my 0 cial inquiries, I wie it would be as well if we parted. Of course, os for awhile. I shall be de- lighted to see you, ‘snoficially, an at five o'clock tea. There was a uiver in «Heiden s left eyelid as, with these courteous Te Sowed bowed out the oong- Wang. bn Seat ieten a little of E seemin f ple rank and humble a sour Sight have | cae puffed i \™ party on vessel, ing phy cae ‘he dle-box, e who leader of the group, in mpite of is hed sou’-wester and shabb vateraaat mounting paddle-box, thus addressed the stoli soldier : “You can tell your master a secret I have kept from him this met Bar, 9, Sie ie eer" ‘A secret!” murmured the easy-going Burmese, taking his from his lips, and laying down his rusty jingal, as he craned forw: to listen. “Yes,” replied the British Resident—for he it was—in a yaice of he appeared in the full aye we are OFF AT LAST. bavp had no control, my PB ars coe ton, instead.” So saying, He gS tant and ironical laugh, he turned to by man om on the bridge, and in a stentorian tone gave "the order, o 0 ah The band on the poop struck up “‘ Rule Britannia!” to which the Resident and his party bore a t burden ; sal” ere the sound had died on the ears of mystified and mortified Mandal ay, the smoke from the steamer lay like a dim and distant cloud along the horizon, as the British Resident, now far beyond pursuit, beat his triumphant retreat down-river towards Rangoon!

SOMETHING LIKE LEATHER. Most Reverenp Mr. Poncu, A GENTLEMAN (rane Craupe Wexstxe, writing from the Temple to the Times, presents the British Public with some interest- g particulars relative toa eglected Relic,” preserved in w the old and well- ittle church of the oly Trinity in the Minories.” » Beople ma ory, have the Ritualists taken to relics? Who is a t of w is preserved in an Anglican church, and what part or app ctensties of the Saint is it, a bone, a lock of hair, a finger-nail paring, or a toe-nail ? People should not jump to surmises. I am not aware that the Church of the Hol Trinity ia in the Minories is, in fact, a Ritualists’ meeting-house. i goo Relic” isno relic of any Saint, sv- called, but ‘‘ the oun head of Henny Guer, Duke of Suffolk, — bw Soreainale tengo | in 1554.” mart ip be sess seen at the church above- Ww company wi parish regis- ters,” it is kept in a box. Mr. Werssrer has no doubt of its authenticity. He hy yd is “the only example extant of a head that, of heads which have been Brought to the Block, itis the only at, 0 SW ve to the it is the only above ground. One, at least, you may say if you like. Never mind. Mr. WEBSTER ts this Head as an object of interest not only as being me, but because it belonged in life to “the father. possibly of Lady JANE ora, ro it now a. to the tena tal parochial au ee that ne it i pity a rally good sate ‘of preser- vation, showing eyes, on the of the neck even the the double blow - pyr, - i ect — he ascribes acciden i been, for a coup centuries, or more, wrapped up in otk ‘ust, it has become conv: A ht it will exactly cal, ve known everything, he represents it as

capable of cnesting, te to some extent during ~ as in the case of fter death, in openness of ring been tanned our tanner, who, a fore it, ‘‘ will last you nine year,” ps some will under- take to re on as hint for ene | reform, and propose a me’ improved to be described as ‘* Elm Oak.” The Mead of the unfortunate eeblene cond ¢ to have converted into leather, however, ean certainly not be said to be the only rr of that material extant, zm family of the Leather- heads, as of the Weeteaeas is Publ is is indebted for the above The gen information pleads ‘that " at still left forlorn old church in which it has reposed, fo and ® neg =! so many years,” this py © —, ¥ hea ist Is of the ined i . To iti abe aliens But tft Bir, let let i it be pho’ sobre fatty taken. I think there is truth in ology. 1 don’t care what Dr. CarPRNTER says, if P’ has indeed no truth in it, and I am an ass, this may y help to demonstrate that such i is the case, and so to . CARPENTER, and disabuse JEREMIAH Bouwps, P.S.—Mr. Wensren’s letter concl: Ugre fem, the wb; 8 fort of it to the consideration of a he existing age ool <, ag mang se church as their the Soule bein with its members.”” Wit epee, th a bas of course with arms, too. What have legs to do wi Excuse this attempt ; my organ of Wit is not large—very ietlen above the Scotch average.

SIGNS OF THE END OF THE SEASON. (Per Alphabet.) T Antwerp. — Curtain drawn on Runens till next June. .—The Sauve- teurs with nothing to save but their own credits. Cologne.—Cathe dral touts returned to the bosom of their families, Dieppe.—Bathing- dresses for ladies at fifty per cent. discount. Ems.—Royal apartments to let until further notice. Fn wy Organ reci- tals suspen $ Geneva.— Mont Blanc . under a cloud for the winter. Heidelberg. — Free at last from the assaults of Captain Coox’s noble army of personally - conducted travellers, Interlaken, — Sunset on ths Jung Frau diseontinued for an indefinite period. Jura,—P aces to let at all the diligence offices on the line. # onigsbad.—More than ample accom for bathers. Mota Bolle ona ball fighter Wh rid.— Bulls an ters en Naples.—Bay closed for Ouchy.— Enormous importation of umbrellas. Guclee nt the hands ES oe h fin : ‘Juebec.—In mourning for we neess LOvIsE. Rigi dlord and Customer figh for the year. Se eng —Rhine lowest rae ~~ abe of ai inhabitant. Turin.—A mere Buffet for Ritualists to Rome. Vig.—Quite out of the way—Sky-ed Sag Venice.—F ashiona of visitors and mosquitoes. Wiesbaden.—W ater, water neem, but no one there to drink. Yarmouth.—Only arrivals—the errings (Fresh and Salt). Zurich.—“ On the margin of those famous waters ”’—Solitude ! And not even a ZimmeRMawN to analyse it !

The Last, not Laste, Irish Grievance. (Since the Mulranny Affair.) Pappy cannot even shoot an Agent without running the danger of being shot himself! ,

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, Rowine, FEARS THEY WILL SET THE FASHION ; P UNCH, OR THE ‘LONDON CHARIVARL HYGIENIC EXCESS, Tar O'Farre.t-Mackenzre Giris HAVE GONE IN 80 EXTENSIVELY For Earty Risinc, Farsu Arr, Corp Water, Fartnaceorvs Ripine, Rovxinc, Lawn-Tensis, GYMNASTIC8, AND WHAT NOT, THAT THEY HAVE DISTORTED THEIR FIGURES INTO rue LIKENESS OF SO MANY Greek SraTUEs, AND HAVE NO MORE WAIST TO SPEAK OF THAN THAT QUITE TOO HORRID VENUS AT THE ¢; INDEED THEY HAVE GIVEN UP STAYS ALTOGETHER AS A BAD JOB. (Ocropex 18, 1879. sy a ed “ etene Sg? pe! it Gx Mn hae. oi oF Vea As THEY ARE ALL ENGAGED TO MARRY Doxgs, Mr. Punca AND AS HE HOLDS THAT A LONG AND WASP-LIKE WAIST IS AS ESSENTIAL TO A LADY AS A— As A Hump BETWEEN THE SHOULDERS, A PROMINENT Nosz AND CHIN, AND A PROTUBERANT ABDOMEN ARE TO A GENTLEMAN, We Me oP es THAT THE ABOVE CARICATURE MAY SERVE AS AN EXAMPLE AND A WARNING, “ \ OUTRANCE!” Sir Vernon the Challenger, loquitur, Enoven of feints with blunted points ! My steel shall try his armour’s joints In desperate earnest now A champion unchallenged ? Stuff! His fence is fine, his thews are tough, Yet will I give him quantum su And pale is destrier pant an puff, Ere I have done, I trow. Have I not brawn to stand a bout ? Sure seat in selle, a lance-arm stout ? Is = my sword- my swift and free,, served e and wrist ? WwW hei is ; this Kni ht nat mee should be Unchecked of Li alry, Lord of the = knightly lt ‘ist Aha! he beareth Three beacons fambant on a eld ld Vert, with a gerbe of rockets For crest. I’ faith, a fit device! He 's fond of fireworks, which are nice For pectin, when the powder’ 8 price omes not from one’s own ets. Our champions, if stout, are o! If young, not deft nor over “bold : Thence comes it that this I Knight.doth hold Unshaken seat so long. But if he thinks te keep his post By dint of mere thrasonie To fri righten all our Liberal host, And By Jingo he is wrong ! Have at thee, Knight o’ Sqnibs ! Thy troop Of myrmidons, who howl and whoop, Methinks are scarce so cockahoop As they erewhile appeared ; Not quite so high they toss the cap, Not quite so madly cheer and clap, As late the oe and cheered. rae mieux ! t ‘ better looks my chance. I'll strike thy shield with pointed lance, Game for a combat a outrance E’en with so dread a knight. Sound for the charge! Look out, my Lord! No novice he at lance and sword That dares thee to the fight. Thy motto, ‘‘ Peace with Honour,” palls On varlets vexed with bungling brawls. Thy spells have lost their might. Meniscus as thou art, Sir Sphinx, I rede thy riddle, and methinks My steel can search thine armour’s chinks And make its weakness known, Though, thanks far more to skill than force, Ry many 5 desy Ie ht from horse Thou hast by sleight o’erthrown. I’ve learnt thy points in thine own school, g Pad wary, keen but cool, No easy with feint to fool Or fi pass to blind ; I know the trick as well as thou. a, yh wy the hour is now, Nor lags the man behind. Ring, showy shield, t to point of lance— Have at thee, trickster, d outrance ! ef aTAarnharTryTy iwwwvwy? AA 'TWVONTT —6 * TTI IOAN Io [6a rouwy ‘‘orygwoow agar ymnMHrrg Ww ‘Tarwrra’uooow — ee eek ld ry “Vary

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\ Us} / << 3) a Wf Sy of an SS —~ SS ~SY \ \\ Y . AAS A \\\\ ‘ sD Z “ —_——a \ Vi) Whitin i | WN Ii / AN /| ‘ ‘A OUTRANCE!” SIR VERNON Y® CHALLENGER STRIKETH Y* SHIELD OF Y* CHIEF OPPONENT (WHO BLAZONS, ON A FIELD VERT, THREE BEACONS FLAMMANT TINSEL, FOR BEACONSFIELD.“ CREST—A FLIGHT OF ROCKETS, ASCENDANT. MOTTO—* PEACE WITH HONOUR”).

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Ocroser 18, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 177 IN ABERDEEN. ome few days ago, there was an in- terpellation in the Aberdeen Town Couneil touching a rather g charge of £9 18s. WHITE KIDS the Treasurer said with the richly em- oroidered gloves poopates to the Judge, there was a box. But besides the Judge’s loves and box, thirty- six pairs of white kids fi in the bill, which it is not so easy to account for, unless it be that ‘‘ white kids” may be supposed such fit bols of the innocence shown by a Maiden Assize, that there could not be too many of them. But of these white kids, one’ pair, at least, seems to have been presented to Mrs. Lanetry. Now if that famous bonnty_ meg be supposed to have a right on any Circuit—it is the Married Women’s, not the Maiden, Cireait. No doubt her white hands will set off the and the white kids her white hands—so let us hope 1 not press its ingerries further. But Punch an alteration of the old saw, and the substitution Kids in Aberdeen” for the “Cauld Kail” of ancient white ki the Town al: wo of ‘* White tradition. THE INSTRUCTIVE DRAMA. _Tnoven Mr. Punch has formed his own opinion—and a very de- cided one—on the true functions of the Stage as a moulder of morals, he is quite willing to on approvingly at the honest endeavours of those from whom he differs, when they take up this question of the hour in an earnest it. If he cannot quite go with the latest proposities of a * ed by ornaments of iterature, Art, ency of a philosophie Church dignitary, be allowed to ha thing for it himself, be sure to want i easily find r for two-thirds Theatre,” man Science, under the presi fair chance. Indeed, he is willing to do so supplying the Committee with what they will iately, but will not, Mr. Punch i —namely, their first piece ; only stip gross receipts whenever it is produced, ACT I, A Picture Gallery in the hereditary mansion of an Educa Earl. On the wall, set diagonally, so as to be visible ta audience, rn Portraits of ali the English ’ from William the Conqueror to Victoria. Left—a large - board, full-sized pair of Globes, with geographical, geological, and zoological Charts. As Curtain rises, Educational Ear! dis- covered opposite a reading-desk on which a volume of Hallam is lying open. At his feet, on a low satin ottoman, playing idly with a patent double-action air-pump, his daughter Honorta. Honoria. It is very interesting. Nay, more: it is very beautiful! —very very beautif Pr , dear Papa! Educational Earl, 1 will, my child. As I was saying, WrtrAM THE Seconp was called “‘Rurvs,” because he had a ruddy com- perien. Yet, one day as he was hunting in the New Forest, Sir ALTER TYRREL, ing at a deer, missed his mark, and his arrow lancing from a tree, pierced the King to the heart. I should add during this reign the woollen trade first grew into importance. o—I see: weary my poor child ! Honoria. Dear, dear Papa! Can Prxwocx ever tire? Educational Earl. Noble girl! But there isa richer rarer treat in store for us here,—Hallam’s Constitutional History ! In this edition of ten volumes there are but 1754 pages. Listen! (Reads the whole of it). Ha! She It was ever thus with her sainted mother ! Enter a Colonial Bishop and a Distinguished F.R.S. Colonial Bishop. I am poor, my Lord, but proud. What are gees no reason why such an institution should not for material riches to wealth of intellect? I have here published the sermons that raised me to the exalted tion I fill. But before I ask the priceless jewel of your daughter's hand, you shall judge of me aslam. You shall hear them ail! Educational Earl (hastily). Nay, take her, she is yours! Colonial Bishop. Without satisfyin you of my chances of even yet getting hold of betterat home? Never! I must read them all. (Does so.) What? he slumbers! It was ever thus with my congregations. But no matter! I will go for another vos d Vals , and regarding the air-pump fondly). O science ! Divine god i pes tose al if I put a guince-pig under this receiver, and give but a few gentle turns to the handle, it in- stantly feels uncomfortable! Can anything be more absorbing, more soul-subduing, than this ? Distinguished F.R.&, (sez r hand). One th mesting ae sunset on the »immit ef Snowdon, and ours ‘onoria. Unhand me, Sir! (Aside.) See, my father wakes, and will, perhaps, be fresh for the Plan nets! (Addressing Dis- linguished F.R.S.) I will be there! And you will tell me ——? istinguished F.R.S. All! Honorta "ny ess ! —only one—a secret shall ACT Il. The Summit of Snowdon. Distinguished F.R.8. discovered anxiously waaay an experiment he ts conducting at a portable lecture- table, Distinguished F.R.S, At last! The gas mounts testy | But, see, she comes. [Enter Honoria. Honoria (aside), He is here! And this secret? Be still, my beating heart. Distinguished F.R.S. Howonta! for I feel that our intellectual kinship sanctions me this familiarity, I am here to talk to you — Honoria (with dignity). Not, Sir, of love ? Distinguished FR. 8. No; of oxygen. I heve chosen this eleyated spot that I might better illustrate what I could say, and I have much to say! (Points to table.) See, | am prepared ! Distinguished FBS. Pi? “Whe should yon fair and queen! 4. ished F.R.S. Pity sho , fair queenly though you are, not know that this gas calen with hydrogen to form the common water that we drink, and that if the lungs, instead of receiving a proper supply of it, are choked with aa accumulation of carbonic acid—a n fatal to man (though beneficial to plants) —death is the result ? Honoria, Oh! this is too horrible! Let me fly to my poor father ' Manganall's Questions are not worse Distinguished F.R.S. Worse! foolish girl! Are you aware that to prepare this gas on seale, I have already put some binoxide of manganese ( some chlorate of KO, CLO.), into a Florence have taken good care that the out? Are you aware that freely given off into this our experiments than Honoria. No, I did not Distingu : piece of ignited phos my fingers) into the jar, caperrpents in t y tried, if only Honoria. No, i Distinguished F.R. baryta is in compan solved in HCl, the digested with strong aleohol ! to us! Honoria, Never ! Enter Educational Earl and Colonial Bishop. Colonial Bishop. Ha! She shall hear my last sermon. [ Preaches it. Educational Earl. My child! See, I have brought Hume and Smollett. (Reads a comer] Come back to your old father ! Honoria. Too late! My future home is—— ; Distinguished F.R.S. With me proud Earl,—at the Polytechnic ! ubleau. ACT III. ——But Mr. Punch need not, he thinks, continue his labours further than to point out that the close of his instructive drama may be made a good vehicle for surgery, household information, garden- ing statistics, and moral These, worked in with « food tag compiled from 4 Encyclopedia, cannot fail in time iterally to bring down any house, supose ond oxygen is ing rill be safer quite dry jar, know that when I place this great care not to touch it with one of the most beautiful ce, and one that may be care be exercised / sat seem to move in a new wor ° You do! Listen tome! When strontia, their carbonates may be dis- ted to dryness, and the residue his, my fair one, shall never happen Omess Prostem Sotvep at Carz Town.—Zulu-King Castled.

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LONDON CHARIVARL. PUNCH, OR THE [Ovctoser 18, 1879. SS QRS LY Ss S : 7 Fx: Y ~ . Ss Ss SSS THE WRONG CARD. PaRweiw’s BAD Leap at “ Beacgsar uy Neieuzovr.” ——- HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON, (Being a Dickens of a Dickshunary for the use of Visitors to the Metropolis.) LOWTHER ARCADE, — Pronounced differently by different people. Some, giving the first syllable as rhyming to “ How,’’ eall it the Low-ther Arcade, and it to be an abbreviation of Al-low-ther, so called either because the authorities al/ow their Arcade te exist, or from the discount the eepers al-low there. The more probable derivation is arrived at by those who, making “‘ Low” to sound like *“‘ Lo!” tell us that here the rebel Jack CapE was dis- covered by a citizen, who exclaimed, “‘ Lo there! Ah! Cape!” If so, the site itself is sufficient historical ground for the supposition. It was formerly, of course, a great place for assignati beaux frequenting it and toying with the lasses, were Lowtherios.” About Christmas time it is still a great place for ** toying,” but the trade is quite legitimate between shopkeeper and customer. LUDGATE HILL.—Famous in Civic history. On the occasion of the King or Queen’s visit it had invariably to receive the Royal Ascent. It is quite unable to make its own ascent, being a sort of cripple with only one = which yang be seen by any visitor who choeses to go to the foot of the hill Hill at the Criterion has two feet, being ¢ LUNACY COMMISSIONERS. —Composed entirely of Hatters. LUNACY They walk in on the first of March to the strains of their own beautiful band playing a March Air. They can be hired to execute commissions by those who prefer to employ Lunacy Commis- sioners, but there is some little risk in doin cannot be when the always trusted to take a me “ Gay | go to Hyde Park, and inquire

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Ovroper 18, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LYCEUM THEATRE.—(See [nvrnc.) MANSION HOUSE.—Worthy of being mansion’d here, as the home of the Lord Mayor, who dines every night with Gog and Magor, when they are not otherwise engaged at GuildhalJ. On entering under the ico, the ear of the visitor will be struck—and forcibly struck, too—by the sweet sounds issuing, as he will at once perceive," from the fluted columns. The air generally layed is, ‘‘ I’m a-flute! I’m a flute!” eleder the dining-room, the ‘visitor will be again struck (his eye this time) by the buffet. If he takes it, he is bound to return it at once. Many of the banquets are held in the Egyptian Hall—twin brother of the other in Piccadilly. The Egyptian Hall in the Mansion House is celebrated rather for the works of Cook than of MAskELyNE; though, when the Lorp Mayor gives a fancy ball in the place, he patronises the’ Masky line as well. MAPS. (See Marpty.) MARBLE ARCH. — Wonderful! Mar- ! nspired the composer BALFE with the idea of “* I dreamt that I dwelt in Marble Halls’’—to which the Arch would of course be the entrance. MAYFAIR.—One of the old thorough fairs of London. Jt is still kept up with much spirit. As you walk along the pave- ment notice the flags. MERCERS’ COMPANY.—Very ancient. Preserved to the present time by a mercer- ful dispensation. Motto in old English, ** Lawks a Mercer!” The ceremony of initiation is by a sort of christening, when the official who performs the rite is called Im-mercer. MERCHANT TAYLORS.—A confrater- nity of ninety-nine tailors (spelt originally Taylors), with power to add totheir number by nine, or any multiple of nine. They only nts who are not self-made men, and require the assistance of nine tailors. The only work they are itted by their ancient constitution to do for them- selves, is to line their own pockets. Their device is a coat of arms without any other clothes. This was in allusion to their charitable practice of giving the poor coats without any alms, or alms without any . They used to meet at Burron’s Coffee House, but now they have a house of their own which they hold on condition of investing in a new coat of paint once in ears. MILK. (See Cow—and seek ’ow you can ae * Also see CanCan, Pumr and Par LE. MINES. — Consult a Solicitor in re so- and-so ‘“‘a minor.” Also ask a musician. If from these you can’t get any satisfactory information as to the mine-utic of Mines, then come to us and try Ours. work for me A Question of Colour. Aw obelisk erected to the memory of Taomas CLaRrxson, the great Abolitionist, near Ware, “‘ on the spot where,” according to an inscription upon it, that strenuous lan ist ‘‘ resolved to devote his life to ringing about the abolition of the Slave Trade,” was unveiled the other day. It is of Portland stone on a base of Yorkshire ditto. The bose may be ao be ap- propriate, as indicative o , solidity, call endlesepee. But itself have been of black marble We see the Baptists are going to have a Harvest Thanksgiving. This is strictly in with their belief in Total hibit) thd {MI | | TAKING IT EASY. Lieutenant Smart (who has taken over temporary charge of Lieutenant Easy's detachment, who is “‘on leave”), ‘* Bur THese Ang ‘ Ration Rerun Forms,’ TO BE FILLED IN EVERY MORNING, SHOWING AMOUNT OF RATIONS ISSUED, &C., AND THEN SIGNED BY OFFICER WHO CERTIFIES TO THEIR CORRECTNESS, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY BRINGING TWELVE BLANK Foums vor ME TO sian?” Corporal, ** Bio youn Parpon, Sorr, BUT WE GIT THIM BLANK FROM THE OXDERLY Room—tHey ’re a Pinny a Dozzey, Sonn, AN’ Mistuer Aisy, Sonr, NE GINERALLY #1GKe A Piswortn !!!” — = =z sows oe yo aes that En Rapport. A Reronter of the Cape Times, in an account of Cerewaro on board ship, says of him “*He has rather a wild way of taking to European food, and as a preliminary to a substantial feed of beef the other day, he devoured a pot and a balf of jam.”’ Jam before beef—or with it! Another point of sympathy in tastes between the ex-King of Zululand and the Chancellor of the German Empire. Aqvantoum Trtt or Fare.—Mostly Farin(i)aceous Food.

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-UNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 18, 1879. A PROMISING YOUNG ASTHETIC. Old Boy. “Utso! waat’s vour Namet” New Boy, “Dante Micnast Anorio Satvator Rosa Nupxins!” Old Boy. “1s ruar aut? Waat’s your Farner!” New Boy. ‘‘ Port, Parrrer, Sovurror, Ancuitect, AND Mvsiciayn.” Old Boy. “‘Caimint! Is ue Great!” jew Boy. ‘Tux GReATEST THAT EVER LIVED.” Old Boy. ‘1 waver! AND WHAT ARE Yoo GOING TO BE!” New Boy. ‘Tue same as mY FATHER, ONLY GREATER.” Bs. 4, Ain. HARD-UP HYMENOPTERA. A PLea, a plea for the Basy Bee, That improved the shining hour, When a break in the wet would allow her to get Aught out of an opening flower. But so little she got that she now hath not Enough for her winter store, And requires to be fed upon made “* bee-bread,” Or the Bee will be soon no more. Pure saccharine stuff is not enough To keep your Bees alive ; Pollen too they need whereon to feed, Whilst wintering in their hive. Mere syrup and sweet for their keep is unmeet, Barley-sugar alone won't do, An you tender their weal, add barley-meal, Give them treacle, but oatmeal too. In times like these ’tis the Working Bees That relief deserve alone ; We put in a plea for the Busy Bee, But none for the Lazy Drone. E’en the best will share but workhouse fare ; ’Tis for skilligolee—no more— To Beekeepers who feel we make appeal, And Heaven will bless their store. REDUCED TO PRACTICE! Ovr professional contemporary, the Medical Press and Circular, does not often present its ers with obser- vations of a facetious nature; but is not the followin paragraph fairly open.to the suspicion of being intended for a joke ?— “Tue Depression in TRADE AND THE Mepicat Pro- ression.—-The entry at the different Medical schools has been very large this session. It is thought this is largely due to the depression existing in commerce and agriculture. A number of young men who, in ordinary cireumstancesa, would have entered a trade, or gone to farming, seeing little prospect in these directions, have turned their attention to Medicine.” If this is a fact, how inexpensive those young men or their parents and guardians, must consider a medi education, how ony Se acquisition of anatomy, phre- nology, chemistry, botany, and the rest of the medical sciences, how slight the difficulty of ing an examina- tion in them, how little arduous, lightl Fr meg and | highly lucrative, the practice of the ical Profession ! | These youths might told that, if in circumstances insufficient to enable them to embark in commerce or agriculture, they resort to Medicine with a view to money- making, they may or may not go farther, but they will Old Boy. ‘On uv!” CETEWAYO’S PROPOSAL. Suppose I cross de water from de Cape to Inglis lan, Pra’ps de reason you upset me I sall nny | un " When I see de men an women, an de sort ob life dey lead— Till for all my past transgressions my sabage heart sall bleed— See how you lub eaeh odder—see how crimes are all unknown ; How your chiefs dey neber cubbit lan an cattle not dere own ; See your charity and brudderhood, your plenty an your peace ; See oo well (unlike de Zulus) you can do widout perlice. Read your papers where de stories of Society is told, Till I feel like a hyena in de gentle baa-lamb fold. See how here ’s all law and order, all sweetness and all light, How you nebber steal an murder, neber lie, and cheat, and fight. Den I "ll write across de water to de Zulus dere and den, An I'll tell dem how like angels is de noble Inglismen ; An I'll lib an larn among you, and own dere ain’t no doubt You’s just de sort ob people has a right to kick me out. BEFORE THE FIRST. Adamite was favourite for the Cesarewitch. But at the winning- ost our good old friend Chippendale was pre-Adamite. May he mmortal, as well as Antediluvian ! Tue Lanpep Iwrerest.—Landed in difficulties. [Kicks Young Nupkins, and exit. | certainly fare worse. ; A CAUCUS QUESTION. Tue sitting Liberal Member for Dewsbury, Mr. Serjeant Sron, has served his constituents eleven years. A letter addressed to him the other day by a Mr. 8S. N. Lums, Secretary to “the Executive |of the Dewsbury Parliamentary Borough Joint Liberal Association |on the Birmingham plan,” informs him that he had been nominated by the body abovenamed as a candidate for the representation of the ceonee aforesaid at the approaching election, and questions him as | Tollows :-— “On behalf of the association, may I ask you whether you will allow your | mame to be proposed at a general committee meeting to be held on Tuesday, |} the 30th inst., and, if so, whether you will abide by the decision of the association ?” “Submit,” that is, says Serjeant Smuon, in reply, ‘‘ to a competi- tive process with eight other candidates pro at the meeting to | whic you refer.” Surely, the learned Serjeant might have , you must take me for a very simple Simon. UP TO THE MARK. THERmometers tested at the Kew Observatory are advertised as being marked “‘ K. 0.” We venture to suggest that in future they should be marked ‘‘ 0. K.” for Orl Korrect. Cuvurcn anv Stace Guiip.—Apparently founded on the idea that Church can Gild Stage Guilt. 6@ To Conensronpants. — The Bditor does not hold himsdlf bound to acknowledge, return, or Stamped and directed eneciope y for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by @ ies should be kept.

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A DILEMMA. “(WHAT ARE YOU PUZZLING over, Ponsonny?” ‘<I’w TRYING TO ANSWER A NoTE FROM THE ‘DEAR DUCHESS,’ AS YOU CALL SHE’s DONE ME THE HONOUR TO WRITE AND ASK IF THAT Sr. HER. Por I GAVE HER SHOULD BE FED ON MEAT on Biscuits!” ** Wet, BiscviTs, SHOULDN’T IT?” ‘*Or covrss. Bur sHE SPELLS Biscuits wiTH A K, You sex, AND I pon’? 181

| CROSS QUESTIONS AND CROOKED ANSWERS. | (Picked up at Clitheroe.) Q. Wuy ought the Country to be grateful to the Government ? A. Because they have given it Cyprus, the (Sepoys, and the Secret Memorandum for Six Millions. _Q. Why is this an excellent bargain ? A. Because it has shown the world and the British taxpayer that Europe must be governed by treaties. Q. What was the “ master stipulation” of the Treaty of Berlin? A. The right to garrison the Balkans. 2. Has this “‘ master stipulation” been carried into effect ? A. Not precisely. Q. Does this matter ? A. Not in the least. Q. Why not? A, Because the Home Srcretany says that the “points” of a treaty are of no consequence. Q. What is the distinetion between a treaty and its points ? A. The Home Secretary does not say.! Q. Does the Home Secretary, then, say anything to os, poles P . Yes. tongue. Q. Is that intention intelligible ? A. Quite. Q. And wise ? A. Eminently, Q. Why has it not been adhered to ? A, Cross propose, Diz dispose, He says he meant originally to have held his

**PANIERS ARE FASHIONABLE.” Le Follet. * A panter you'll want,” said Miss Tarer, **T assure you they ’re now all the go. I’ve the pattern cut out here in paper, They are puffed at the side, Ma’am, just so.” “That panniers have been all the go At the seaside from June to November, I’m sure all the donkeys must know; Weighty cause they have had to remember. ** But if we must wear paniers like asses — All alike, East and West, North and South— ’T would be well if the poor working classes Could, at least, have a bit in their mouth,” — BgeRNARD

ONLY FAIR PLAY. LIKE TO SPELL IT PROPERLY FOR FEAR OF HURTING HER GRACE’S FEELINGS ; AND YET I DON’T WANT IT TO GET ABOUT THAT J sPELL Biscuits wira aK.” “Say Megat, THEN!” ‘* Bur SHE SPELLS MEAT wiTH Two E’s!!”

Mr. Paryet boasts that he has gone far to make Par- liament impossible. Papgers Parliament were next Ses- sion to go farther and make Mr. Pane. impossible ?

PREACHING AND PRACTICE. (An Irish Historical Drama, adapted from the Irish- English of Mr, Parnell.) SceNE—A new vault underneath the new Irish Houses of Parliament. | distance ! | Leader of the Opposition ( | chock full of dynamite ! Distinguished Constitutionalist. Hold ! |nay, it is not Irish! chuckling). Sorra one of ’em but’s Prepares to strike a match. ] There is a legal remedy | for everything. This appeal to explosives is not constitutional— t least, wait till I have got to a safe

Piled up in the centre, a portmanteau, a couple of barrels, and a corgul-hes. r of the Opposition discovered in a cloak and hat, with a dark lantern and bundle of matches. Leader of the Opposition. Not here! Bad cess to him! rise them spalpeens upstairs widout him. [Prepares to light a match. Enter Distinguished Constitutionalist. Distinguished Constitutionalist. I fear I am a little late. I had to geta mifttar escort before I could leave the Treasury bench. But here I am. t does all this mean ? [ Pointing to the pile. Leader of the ition. Is it “‘mane,” Misther Parner ? Sure, it’s a bit of a out avy your own book I’m going to tache them divils upstairs, Distinguished Constitutionalist. | own book? Are we notin a/| vault underneath both Chambers of the Native Irish Legislature | assembled in full conclave? Yet, these barrels,—this portmanteau,— | that carpet-bag—— ? I must Leader of the Opposition. An’ is it yersilf that would be after atin yer own words? Shure, haven’t I got all your spaches at the tip of me tongue ? Distinguished Constitutionalist. Then you must know that I always recommended Leader of the Opposition, A “ firrm attitude,” when the Saxon wouldn’t give way. And why not the Celt all the same as the Saxon? As that white-livered Ministhry up-stairs won't let us in, bedad it’s myself, as Leader o’ th’ Opposition, that will show thim the way out. And now, Masther dear, Tould your ears, and Hoorooh for ould Ireland! [Blows both Houses, himself, and VDistinguished Constitution- alist, into the air as Scene closes.

THE ROOT OF IRISH TROUBLES. However it may be with the crop of ’taters, the crop of agi-tators never seems to fail.

VOL, LXXVII,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octoser 25, 1879. “ ABBe BME. WY per , ha i F Wij COLO TONGUE RECHAUFFEE ! ! COMPARATIVE CRUELTY TO ANIMALS, Penerrative Mr. Poxca, Tere appeared the other day in the Times a letter of the’ ! most insidious ye ee signed “Beta.” Its writer professed that | his intention was simply “‘ to call the attention of the humane and lovers of cod-fish to the cruelty which is London and other markets with "Grimped Co oe Punch, the revelation of the cloven hoof in the following = Foy of affected pity for the poor Cod-fish :— “Even the mode of taking the finest fish is unavoidable. A great barbed iron or steel hook is baited and attached to a long line, and when the fish is caught this is rudely torn from its mouth. If it be large and in good condition, it is transferred to a well in the smack, through which astream of sea-water. (On arriving at the port, the | live cod are sold at an advanced price, and those to be crimped are set apart. Te perform this operation successfully, three or four huge transverse gashes are cut on each side while the fish is alive, or the muscles will not contract.’’ Sir, as a consistent member of the Society for & Total Abolition of Vivisection, I protest against this ty and craf “yA map poe to | discredit the —— we are making for the prohibition of Les exper” | | ments on living animals for alleged scientific The section of a live fish, in order to render it the more palatable as a viand, | is very different from m an incision, merely for the sake of | settling some point in ph , in a rabbit’s ear. I suppose inful, though perhaps | that a fish is 5 whet the doctors call a ny my animal; but a vertebrate animal crimped in preparation for the dinner-table is one g, and an animal of same order wounded, on any pre- text, on the dissecting-table, is another. I have no doubt that “Bera” is in reality some Professor of Anatomy and Physiology connected with one of the Hospitals ; and under that firm impression remain Yours truly, AntTI-ScaLPEL. P.S.—‘‘ Bera,” you observe, in part addresses his affected denun- ciation of the practice of crimping cod to “‘ lovers of cod-fish.” Why, it is expressly for their gratification that cod are crim How can any thinking impostor vent humbug so thoroughly trans- parent? By the bye, I hope the existing statute megulleg vivisec- tion is not so worded as to interdict the crimping of cod. QUESTION FOR CHAIRMEN. A GeytLeman presiding at a Public Dinner proposes fro Chair the toast of ‘‘ Ministers of all Denominations,” Could i it we allowably responded to by a Mormon Elder ? APPROPRIATE DITTY FOR PARNELL. “* Come lice in my heart and pay no Rint,” by Samvet Lover. (See his Poetical Works, p. 310.)

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—— Octoser 2%, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. oe = Ae rs 2. ; 4nd Xf 54S) « .) y ~/ z / ™ * oe oa ae > ee a 4 ~ So aii Pe ht IS Tagen nt SANS ae AS x GIVING HIM A LEAD. Liv:ly Lady. “1’p orve m¥ Heap To Live In Lonpon!” { Young Rogers thinks if she'd give her heart it might be managed. [I “ WANTED—A HEAD FOR A CROWN.” As all the world knows, there are several claimants for the politi- cal inheritance of the much-lamented Prince Imperial. The Party of the fppeal to the People are anxiously waiting for the publica- tion of their respective manifestoes. r. Pynch, ever ready to oblige anybody and everybody, has, therefore, much pleasure in rinting a couple of proclamations which have been sent to 85, Fleet Rtreet, probably as the widest and surest channel of publicity. The | ae, oy from internal evidence, to be from the pen of Prince Pion-PLon (who seems to have been taking lessons from M. Victor Hvao) ; while the second is evidently the work of Mr. Jerome B. Patrerson—a scion of the Bonaparte family, who (to quote the Diz-neuviéme Siécle) ‘‘ has hitherto always resided in America.” First Manifesto—Post-mark “‘ France.” FRENCHMEN, You know me. We need no introduction. You are a fact. I am a name. We are equals in one sense. We both love our country. ButIlove more. I love my country and myself. It is the of my race. All the world and one man. You and I. . More—it is interesting. As to you. Youare the world. The world is France, when it is not Paris. Who loves Paris must love the world. I love Paris. Paris should love me. Love begets love. Love is attraction. At- the magnet that draws. It is the needle that is drawn. You are as sharp as needles, and as bright. The needle must follow the magnet. In this Nature points out the law—you must follow me! And yet there are some who would put the son before the father. This is false to nature. What is false to nature is false to every- thing. Nature is ing. You have no right to address to me the observation of ag ’s greatest comic singer—‘‘ Not before As for me. You know me. You love principles. I lack them. i . I will never fail you. You are I am more. I am also a Napoleon. e founder of our race was once a Republican. A curious coincidence. Out of such coincidences you make gre He had his 18th Brumaire. With a whiff of grape-shot he closed the era of Revolutions. Let it be for you to re-open it. Let us com- bine to bring back the principles of ’89, now so strangely parodied. To revivify these pause we need things—a man, a cause, anda moment. 1 am the man, cause is the people’s, sym- bolised in a Cesar. The moment is now. ‘The sooner the better. The people and I are one. We cannot be divided. When I serve the people I serve myself. This is not egotism. Egotism is worship ofthe * I.” Iamyou. My “I” isall, Do not say, therefore, all is my ‘‘I.” In another sense I am nothing, but put a nothing in its right place it means a million—many millions. This is a grand thought. It is more than grand—it is encouraging. Tam nepenes to fulfil my destiny. My opinions are large, wide, elastic. The people are everything, and soam I, I am everything. The people are changeable, and soamI. Iam changeable. Change is meee. I would make free with the people. 1 would make the people free. I will be worthy of my name, of my career. I am a Republican but then there are many meanings to that word, By Republic mean something grand, generous, sublime, and, besides all this, full of large hopes in the future. Make a present to me of that future. The Bee is the symbol of industry. The Violet is the emblem of modest sweetness. ine and you have the ruler that France requires. The Knight of Industry only asks to be called from his seclusion. The Violet seeks to be brought from under the leaves. Raise them, . will find me. We are a party of combat. You love combat. March to what wy love. I will give you a banner and a blessing .... I will our leader. e leader's place is in the rear. Time was when sealk went first, now it is rank and file. Goon. I will follow. (Signed) Siegen, Second Manifesto. Post-mark, ‘ America,” Fettow Crrizeys, Wuen I on pe by that name I don’t mean toimply that you and I have been raised on the same ground, or are of the same grit.

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PUNCH, OR..THE L( INDON CHARIVARLI. [Octoper 25, 1879. ate USUI \\ =\ \ — I} PeUr eet er meters | NO PHYSIOLOGY ! Tue Morning Post informs Society that a resolution to petition Parliament for the entire prohibition of Vivisection, pro at a meeting of the Anti-Vivisection Society on Wednesday last week, was seconded by a gentleman named Bray, whose voice may be claimed as that of a representative ober. Carried unanimously of course. hereupon :— \ “Mr. Watproox (Secretary) read a resolu- tion which had just been passed at Blackburn of congratulation on the progress of the movement, and alluded to the G. H. Lewzs’ Studentship for Original Research in ey ay (or Vivi- section), for which that day was the latest for oreecemm, cod was to be open to women as can- didates. is announcement was received with strong expressions of surprise and disapproval by the meeting.” By the above showing, Physiology, and Vivisection, in the sight of the Secretary of the Anti-Vivisection goon | and in the eyes also of that more amiable than intel- ligent association i , mean the same thing. Of course they are alike hostile to both. But why are they surprised to hear that a physiological studentship is open to the gentler sex, and wherefore do they dis- approve of very reasonable arrange- ment? It oughtto be evident, even to the Anti-Vivisection Society, that an animal subjected to a quae involving pain would probably suffer all the less under the hands of one of the more tender-hearted por- tion of mankind. Against a truism so manifest as this, one would hardly expect to hear a Bray, even at a meeting of Anti- Vivisectionists. Caught Flying. (At the late Prize Distribution by the Turners’ Company.) Uy First Distinguished Turner (just honoured “ee WANTED? A HOUSEMAID NOT AFRAID OF APPLY aT THE ALBERT MEMORIAL. with the Freedom of the Pongeny, humor- ously) to Second Distinguished Ditto. Now, Brother Turner, we must each buy a lathe. Second Distinguished Turner (in the dark), A lathe! a lathe! What’s a lathe ? Wuat Letter expresses the Rawlinson policy in Afghani ? An X. It naturally suggests a Y. DIRTY WORK any | kee it | Yankee notion in the patent folding and mechanical brass-joint You have been planted on one side of the herring pond, and I have been planted on the other. That’sso. But it’s the way we usually begin our orations in these diggings. And you may dedooce the conclusion that it ain’t a bad way ef Vegtaninn, You and me like to = | talk business. When we talk business over here we come to the point pretty slick. We have no leisure class in this infant country of gigantic destinies. We are a prospering and a go-a-head country. Being short of hands we go in for heads. We have raised a race of inventors. (Guess we can turn out almost anything in the mechani- cal and labour-saving line, from a sewing machine to a ruling sove- reign—or as we oughter call him, perhaps, an Almighty Dollar! Economy and simplicity are the leading principles of our in-| Guess they have got to be, if they mean to hitch on, and a hold on the market. you want the last new thing in Sovereigns, warranted to cost | little, and run without hitches, guess you’d better try me, as the last | | ruler line—and as such bound to be just about the best on the | stand, and a sight better than you are likely to find in any| European store where they keep that class of manufactures. Your Old Country is getting about used up, and would be a darned sight better for new soling and heeling. Guess shoe-making and mending is one of the things we do best out here. I admit that Paris is just about the spryest, slickest, liveliest, cussedest city in all creation! That’s why we like it so well. But it wants develop- mga our line of rails. ou get an American first Magistrate for life. No four-year terms, no President’s election, no nonsense of that kind. Guess that aren’t the thing to borrow from this side. No, Sir. Try him, and see if he don’t make a darned sight more out of your privileges, water and others, your cars, your restaurants, your institutions generally, and your suffrage in particular. Why I could show your Paris Proletariat how to as good as double their earnings out of their political privileges only. And if I couldn’t put your munici counsels up to a thing or two, what’s the good of having known Boss Twrep for the best two years of his reign in Tammany ? I dare say some of you know I’m a Patrerson by the mother’s side, as well as a Boonaparte by the father’s. Waal, I calculate Corsican stock is all the better for crossing. They’re a _— of clear grit, who can stick to a cause ora uarrel, and find a Derringer the shortest way out of a difficulty. But they want to be taught that business is business, if shooting is pleasure; and that you should never draw a man’s b as long as Pv can get anything else out of him. If Western Americans want that lesson, Frenchmen generally would not be the worse of it. " Waal I have already told you we have no leisure class out here, so I bring my letter to a conclusion with a fair offer. If you want a cheap, double-action, om ney Raper, working the maximum of power to the , and guaranter against busting up, you know where to look for him. You write to me, “‘ J. B. ‘.. Box No. 1, New York,” and 1’ll be to hand by the next White Star boat. That’s so. : : Your Friend and Emperor that is to be, if you like, Jerome B. Parrerson (Né Buonaparte),

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ee 'ev ' OrrOiieonweoded i! & 7 = 2. Ge

Octoper 25, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE BILLS. (An apology for which Punch is proud to owe to Edgar Poe.) I. the ever ing bills— at ese Whet o wuts of t Sir Starrorn’s bosom fills! tumble, tumble, geeble ’gins to ble economic crimes In the quick to ion that the world with wonder fills, Of i bills, bills, bills, bills, — The growing and o’ ing of the bills. ul. See the Military bills— , tary ait How a pon SER nin ae or each little local ; Zulu, what ¢ sight ni ae bee net ther floats

See the lor pile How their ' hint of choking bolus pills "te LL, who, at the sight, Star mmei affright ! Too much horrified to reckon All the burdens piled his neck on _ By the lune, The mad hallucination which his fancy did inspire, The wild and weak ambition, which his foolish brain did fire, To soar higher, higher, higher, With a lunatic desire, And an imbecile endeavour Now, now to swell, or never, o Imps ilune ! Oh, the bills, bills! What a tale their tottle fills ! Hard to bear! How they mount to more and more! What a cold, cold douche they pour On the folly of the frantic Jingo scare ! Yet our pockets fully know, By the waxing And the janglin OF the sing) Tarey 6 ills, At the swelling bepond tallfag ta the Scunber of the bill e sw on in t =_ g ppSoge hem e number of the bills Of the bills, bills, bills, bills, bills, bills, bills— The mounting past all counting of the bills!

Hospital Backsheesh. In contradiction to the verdict of a coroner's jury implying that the nurses of ot: are accustomed to require and receive fees, Dr. J. C. Brexe, Superintendent of that Charity, declares pm ae published Sop Sem eet male Ley -— e servan on y for en to receive fees from tients or their’ Friends. every servant—male as well as female? Are not the medical officers servants of the Hospital— its chief servante—and can they possibly be prohibited from taking fees of the patients’ friends; as for instance, the Governors who gave the admission? The nurses, very likely, are prohibited from fees ; but that prohibition cnet senaly copy te warnante

who, necessarily males, are also of necessity fee-males. GUILDHALL LIBRARY ON SUNDAYS. Y worthy Mr. Brp- FORD, you deserve Punch’s . pat on the back for your vigorous attempt to the \ Tibeary And to Mr, Rupxxr, who supported you, we present our Salu- | tation., There is no more chance of our | he what is called “a inental Sun- day ” in London, than | | there isof the members | of. the , Sabbatarian e not reading on Monday the news- ea on which the bour of a Sunday has been expended, of | their not their | cooks very . unneces- sary work onaSunday, or of their ever com- prehensing., at. the Seventh y is not Sunday at all, but Saturday which the consistent and con-

servative Jews do strictly observe from sundown to sundown as a day of genuine rest, by all means, but not a day of sloth, of sluggishness, of sottishness. There is an uncanny ig who, according to Dr. Watts, ‘‘ finds some mischief still for . hands to do.” On the Continent, where they live in their shops, it generally ey that the employés who have to be on Sunday duty have had outi game The week Our Con- tinental neighbours have a way of ing re with business, which is quite foreign to our notions. Mr. Beprorp and his sup- rters must first induce Sir W. Rose and Mr. Deputy Lowman AYLOR, and those whom they represent, to open their minds con- siderably before they are likely to agree to open the Library doors. By the way, what can it matter to Mr. Deputy Lowman Parton -- a poetical title fitting so exactly the metre of “ The King of the Cannibal Islands” that we can’t refrain from giving a sample :— “ The Sunday op’ning I op ? “ That's when our Libraree I'd close,’ Say Alderman Sir Witt1AM Rose And Deputy Lowman Tayior! F But to sesuene— What can Hf mettes tao Deputy whether the oors are open or shut, t, ing to the report of the roceedings in the Standard Oct. 16, he boasts of ‘ never Saving — in the faorary, because he had always voted against the ex- penditure ”’ _ Stay out, by all means, Mr. Deputy, but let fools rush in, to improve themselves, even where Deputies fear to tread. Sir WriLram Rose has a national prejudice in favour of a Puritanical observance of the first day in the week, and we hope he never “ whustles on the Sawbbath ;” but as this chill Northern element seems just now to revail in the City Councils—Deputy McGrorcr excepted—Mr. ne ry eke heart of + <,- gee — with Gs reflection that his posal, like the snake which possesses suc exioapeyinery vitality, is only for the present “ scvtched, not

Punch Protesteth. (Mr. Bruce, Stipendiary Magistrate of Leeds, has decided that eggs do not come within the statute making it penal to expose for sale meat that is unfit for human food.) A Sacer has uttered from the judgment seat— Stipendiary, ’tis true—‘*‘ Eggs are not meat,”’ In teeth of the old saw, dear to Jouw But, Of “ As full as an egg of meat is full!” Punch, who to differ from this judgment begs, Rules eggs 1s meat—as sure as eggs 18 eggs!

SORS VIRGILIANA FOR PARNELL’s IRISH FARMER FRIENDS, “ © fortunatos nimium sua si bona No-Rint ne = sahtatige sat oe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SS i ins Sie eee eC A MUSICIAN OF THE FUTURE, Prigaby. ‘‘1—a—conress I po vor cine FoR Mozart. Miss Smart (innocently). ‘Dean me! FOR WANr oF Paorer Trarxixo?” an al ~~ chew one Saenedia

He*s—a—too ruyey ror mE!” AND 18 THAT—A—THE RESULT OF A Derective Ear, IN YOUR CASE? OR 18 IT MERELY —<—= —= [Octosr: co — 25, 1879. “a 14 — PEMA) Me \}) aa [Utter collapse of Prigsby.

“DON’T OVERDO IT.” (4 Warning Word in Season.) “Ty nothing too much” was a wise heathen maxim, That holds true of blame and still truer of praise,— Be 't ovation of Statesman, ill-will that attacks him, Or warriors’ welcome from warfare’s rough ways. And most in these days, when no word that tongues utter But by trumpets unnumbered abroad must be blown ; When ’tis easier far to drown heroes in butter, Than for heroes to stand the fat douche o’er them thrown. Far be it from Punch with the cynic’s cold water To quench warm ing in love and in pride ; Right rev’rence for Glory is Glory’s true daughter, No race e’er deserved it its meed that denied. But if honour in deed and in word may be kindred, As often as not they no —ey own, And brave men’s brave work is oft less helped than hindered The louder the trumpet about it is blown. Honour still from the hearths and the homes they defended Let neighbours and friends on our bravest bestow ; Let them know that day’s ben with day’s work is not ended, That their laurels’ good for the future they sow. Let them feel that their names in your heart’s core are branded, Their devotion to duty set y down, That not one deed of chief, captain, private rough-handed, But Jom» Bui is ready with fair meed to crown. Let the well-deserved drops from The Fountain of Honour, Fall fair in their cups, with a crowning ** Well done!” Such the Queen’s grateful duty, incumbent upon her, As it is to give light to our earth on the sun ; Let Commander-in-Chief and War-Minister note them, See they ‘re brought to the front when there’s tough work in hand ; Not content with lip-tributes that sound when you quote them, But fade when it comes to choose men for command. But for puffing of platforms, and muster of meetings, Blaring bands, bowing magnates, and colours displayed, There is be that is solid than shallow in greetings So readily vamped, and so easily paid. It has still been strength’s note in old England’s strong nature, That she held in stern bridle her joy and her grief, It was then when her greatness was grandest of stature That her talking about it was most bare and brief. The Lion roars rarely, and then not to utter Or echo friends’ praise but strike terror to foes ; Our emblem, the bull-dog, with never a mutter, Teeth clenched, savage, silent, ‘‘ goes straight at the nose.’ Then be chary of praises, or yet you may rue them When you find guerdon’s gilt Glory’s gold can alloy : Mouth-honours are cheap—prithee do not o’erdo them ; Proof you value your soldiers, promote and employ !

PARALLEL PASSAGES. (Of Arms and Letters.) A propos of Punch's last week’s Cartoon, with the Beaconsfield | Shield therein blazoned, ‘‘on a field Vert, three beacons flammant | Tinsel,” in which the beacons are fi as iron cressets filled with | blazing coals, he has been struck with the following passage in an |article on ‘The Civil Engineers of Britain,” in the Number of the Edinburgh Review just issued. “In earlier times,” says the reviewer, “A coal fire in a chaufferette, or brazier, was the signal employed for a beacon—a signal which could be so easily mistaken, or even counterfeited, that it was a source of almost as much danger as safety.’’ What of our Beacon in the Field of politics, at home and abroad ?

Hiyt ror THe Wrerer (in advance).—How to keep your rooms warm—keep your grates coal’d.

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_PU NCH, OR T HE LONDON C HARIV ARI. —OcTOBER 25, 1879. “DONT OVERDO IT!” Baitisa Hero (/og.). ‘‘ THANKS, VERY MUCH; BUT AFTER ALL WE’VE ONLY DONE OUR DUTY!/”

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Ocrosrr 25, 1879.] THE THREE R’S AND THE RATEPAYERS. (A Parochial Poem.) O Scuoo.-Boarp, whose administratiun Provides compulsory education For children of the needy Masses, ed, saucily, the Lower Classes, Which schooling, my but too dear Board, We Ratepayers must perforce afford To youth whom better-nurtured lads And lasses would describe as ‘‘ Cads ;"’ Let them be taught their hands to use To polish plate, clean boots and shoes ; To mend and darn, to cook and sew— All Shings they chiefly need to know: Such industries as those must learn o ‘ll early have their bread to earn. Then next imbue their minds with letters, So much in common with their betters, As, crammed at costlier schools in vain, Most of those betters e’er retain. Teach all their R’s—that primal Three ! But ’ware the letters L. 8. D., Nor give, at our cost, education That may unfit folks for their station. HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON, (Being a Dickens of a Dickensionary for the use of Visitors to the Metropolis.) NATIONAL CLUB.—In Whitehall. membership is to belong to some nation. The only qualification for Firework-makers and gas- men are eligible as conan with Illumi-nations. NATIONAL GALLERY.—Originally constructed to hold the entire nation when it wasn’t so big as it is now. Although the nation has considerably increased, yet the Government has never com the design, by adding a National Pit, National Boxes National Stalls to the present building. The view from one of the muy domes is aiding _NA AND MILITARY CLUB.—One of the most charming in London. The necessary qualification is to belong to both Services at once, as name implies. Here, consequently, that i ry branch of the Service, the Horse Marines, are seen at their , Over the chimney-piece in the dining-room is a ificent picture by Dyxkwynxkrn, representing a‘‘ Horse Marine riding at anchor.” Hall Porter is also half-and-half. The Waiters were once drum- mer buoys, and all the Colonels are men of war. It is a pleasure to look in and see some of the old Salts deep in the latest editions of the Evening Peppers. The walls are covered with marine and mili pictures, chiefly consisting of naval games on crossing the Line, an ee of all the heroes of the foot regiments, Guards excepted, it we Ley the mili artist’s fad that ‘‘ he must draw ‘the Line’ somewhere,” and so he drew it here. There is a tree in the en. The naval-military warriors sit in its boughs, or a party of them take the h’elm all to themselves. With the veterans the favouri actor was Kee.er, and their liveliest author, Srexwe. The notion of their mixed service | be obtained by watching these heroes’ movements at Curistre’s, the Auctioneers’, when they march round during a sale. NEW RIVER.—In accordance with the proverb which reoom- mends provision for a rainy day, so the City of London has done well —done several wells, ineludin g Sadler’s—in providing the New River hich is always kept in reservoirs, to supply the place of the Old River, whenever the latter may be too old for use, or may run dry 189 —which would be a curious sight—or when it may run out, and not run back agin. President the Earl of TaNKERVILLE. NOTTING HILL.—Originally spelt Knotting Hill, as being the iene celebrated for marriages. At the churches the chorus to the ymeneal Hymn used to be— “ We're all Knotting, Knit, knit, Knotting.’’ NURSES. — (See Foor Sotprers, Lire-Guarpswey, and other PERAMBULATORS. OLYMPIC THEATRE.—In Wych Street, but in what line of theatrical business, has been lately a trifle uncertain. At present it is wearing out its old Pinafore. management is a trifle bothered by le i ties inet now: be-wych'd. OPERA COMIQUE.—Where the first. Pinafore was produced. Both Pinafores have to be washed in public, which is a pity. ORIENTAL CLUB.—A hot ’un. Every room is up to 150° in the chode, Turkish - Baths - e Room, ae Dummlttes cit o car cross-legged, toking and hubble-bubbles. t the ballot, out of compliment to tals, an unsuccessful candidate is white-balled. The waiters saleam—the say “‘lamb and mint sauce” in summer—and are deeply respectful. The only qualitica- tion for a Native Oriental, beyon Loins a Rajah, is to have been a regular little Oriental Pickle in his boyhood. In the Hot House of the Club there is a fine show of Picca-lillies in full blossom. The rules of the card-room are elastic, being made principally of India Rubber. If a person wishes to interrupt one of a whist party, he is bound to preface his observations with ‘1 beg your aati, T don’t want to ’inder yer ,”’ when he will receive instant attention. ORLEANS CLUB.—Has a town house and a country house, and subscription to each entitles a Member to be in both places at once. The advantages of the country house at Twickenham are numerous. Any Member wishing to sleep there, can do so by giving notice te the Committee forty-eight hours before he wants to go to bed, when he will be put up—for ballot, and, if approved of by the House Committee, he will have a -room given to him, the Committee will precede him down the with lighted candles, will bring him a bath, boot-jack, and towels, will sing him to sleep with a lullaby outside his door, and wake him with a madrigal—a very mad-rigal—at an early hour in the morning, the town house sleeping accommoda- tion is only provided in the chairs, and it is not necessary for a Member to give the Committee forty-eight hours’ notice of his inten- tion of going to sleep in the first vacant chair. OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE CLUB.—AIl the female servants obliged to wear caps and gowns. Valuable map on the dining-room wall illustrating ‘* The Course of the Don.” It seems to be a little irregular, but this is probably after leaving the old port. The word “wrangle,” or “rangle,” is here applied to sounding bells. Any servant, for instance, in answering a summons will inquire, ‘1 beg our gorion Sir, did you rangle?” There is a sort of military- ousehold-Troops’ air about the place, which comes from the fact that the united Oxford and Cambridge men must represent ‘‘ The Blues.” In spite of this, the Club is never dull, The Members constantly speak of one another in various terms,—the summer terms being the pleasantest. OYSTERS.—Open to the public from September to the end of April. PALL MALL.—Variously pronounced either as ‘ Paul Maul” (perhaps some ancestor of Paul Mernirt, author of New Babylon— but who wants a ‘‘ New Baby loan” except at a Baby Farm ?), or else as *‘ Pal Mal,” signifying the place to meet a ‘‘ Bad Pal.” It is also ronounced as if spelt “ Pell Mell,” which implies a regular head- ong rowdy sort of place. Affected le it ‘* Pill Mill,” but ey we not sufficient chemists’ and Targists shops there to justify the title. PAYMASTER-GENERAL’S” OFFICE, Warrenatt.—Open to the public every Saturday. The head official is called ‘‘ Nunky.”’ Over the door is the motto, “* Duaky pars for all.” Anybody enter- ing between eleven and two will attended to, and all his bills paid. No more 7ick-douloureux ! PICCADILLY.—Formerly the great farmyard of London. in the moraine thy pigs used to be fed, and Mrs. Bonn, of Bond Street, would heard inviting the ducks with her memorable saatebe Dilly, Dilly, Dill ily, ’ Ga snd killed ! The combination of pigs and poultry gave it its name of “ Piggy- dilly.” On the removal of the | horses, which were the last to go from the yard, the “ gee ” in the name was taken out, and ** see! see!” indicative of a novelty, was introduced. It is now Piccadilly. POLICE.—(See one—when wantel.) POLICE COURT.—Thieves Caught is more important. (For Potice Court, see Cooxs, Housemarps, AREA-RAILS, &c.) Here Beaconsrietp’s Best Farenp.—Bogey !

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ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ee CHARIVARI. [Octoser 25, 1&79. “ ~ 4 WQS N SN w a ‘ » “TURNING HIS FLANK.” Mr. Brisket (the Butcher). ‘‘Goop Mornixa, Me. Caatrizs ! You’ne a Lawyer, AND I want your Apvvice. Wuart can I pO WITH A Man wuosse Doo sTeats some Meat From my Saor?” Mr. Chattles (the Lawyer). ‘“‘ DEMAND THE VALUE, OR SUMMON Mr. Brisket (triumphantly). ‘‘ Tags I want Srx-anp-Sixrence From you, Sir, on ELSE I’LL SUMMONS YER! THE Owner.” Your Dog THERE RAN AWAY WITH A PIECE OF MUTTON 0’ THAT VALLEY FROM THESE PREMISES LAST Niaatr!’’ Mr. Chattles. “‘ Hum—aun—H'm ! MY Fee ror ConsvLtaTion 18 Six-anp-E:oatrence!!” CONSTITUENCIES AND CADS. caise makes in stating, as a case parallel to the Humbert election, | that— “The late Mr. Waattey owed the suffrages of Peterborough to his extravagant pleadings in fivour of the impostor Orton, who tried to pass himself for Sir Rooer Ticnunorne.” This verbally erroneous assertion is only a little teo hard upon the electors of Peterborough. They did not indeed, in the first instance, elect Mr. Waattey as their Member simply because he constituted himself the champion of the convict abovenamed. But they con- tinued to elect him after he had made such a fool of himself—for Mr. WHALLEY was notahumbug. The constituency which reall deserved to be disfranchised for having returned a representative to Parliament for the express reason that he had advocated Orton’s pretensions, was, the _-> Francaise may as well be told, not that of Peterborough, but “‘Proke-upon-Trent. Its constituency are the stokers an kers of the fire which blazes in the hust- ings hes of Dr. Kenraty and the columns of that most Irish of weekly dreadfuls—the Englishman. The Secretaries Sing. “The latest development of the new South-African policy has been in- stantly condemned by all the Missionary Societies without exception.” — Morning Paper. Casu wanted to convert these Blacks accurst— Five-pound subscriptions coming down to One! And now, when things seemed y at their worst, Into the bargain threatened with a Dunn ! a bi | Ir is, alas! but a nominal mistake which the République Fran- | TaEN IF YOU'LL BAND ME OVER TWOPENCE, WE SHALL JUST BE SQUARE, Mr. BriskET—as DEMAND FOR ARMY DOCTORS, (Don’t they wish they may get them ?) | Wantep, for employment as Medical Officers in the British Army, |an adequate number of thoroughly well-educated physicians and surgeons, willing, on occasion, to expose their lives to the utmost danger in active service, without any expectation of receiving the | Victoria Cross, or being otherwise distinguished or rewarded. They | must have no objection to put up with indignity and ~~ be contented with an amount of pay not exceeding a sufficiency for their | daily maintenance, and be prepared on their discharge to depend for | their subsistence upon such private practice as they may hope to | pick up by beginning the world again late in life. As the want of | competent Army physicians and surgeons is just now very ent, |the supply being far from equal to the demand, immediate applica- tions are confidently expected at the War Office. Turn and Turn About. Poncu rejoices to hear that Lord Harrrnetoy, on his visit to the North, has gone to stay with Lord Derny. Letus hope Lord Densy will in return stay with Lord Hartineton. Now two such good heads of the Une Ten have come together, it would be a thousand pities they should part. AT HOME AND ABROAD. Two valuable estates which only want to be better managed to me od : handsome profit—The Daira in Egypt, and the Dairy in ngland.

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Octoser 25, 1879.] ) ) iM, |! iil" MET TT ui r RATHER AWKWARD. Young Rattleton Bragge (affably, to middle-aged Stranger, whom he finds alone in Browne's studio). “‘Goop Picture, aIn’r 1T! OLD STILToN’s BOUGHT IT—THE DUKE, you KNow. BRrowne’s GOING DOWN TO STILTON TO sHOOT. WisH I coULD GO wiTH HIM; BIT 1’m BOOKED IN LONDON TILL CaRISTMAS—JUST MY LUCK! CAPITAL OLD Boy, STILTON! Looks LIKE AN OLD-CLOTHESMAN ; GETS TIGHT AFTER DINNER; TELLS RUMMY STORIES; MAKES YOU ROAR! FINE OLD PLACE—CAPITAL SHOOTING! AWF’LY JOLLY GIRLs, THE LADIES CAMEMBERT—NEARLY A DOZEN OF ’EM, ALL FREOKLED. DvcHEss TREMENDOUS MATCHMAKER—BAG YOU BEFORE YOU CAN SAY ‘JACK ROBINSON,’ IF YoU DON’T LOOK OUT! AWFUL FUN, THE OLD Ducness! D'you HAPPEN TO KNOW HER BY SIGHT /— SHINY RED Nosk, AND AS UNDER-HUNG AS A BULL-DOG—— AS, HERE’s Browne AT Last !”? Enter Browne, suddenly. “An, Bracoz, HOW ARE you? LET ME INTRODUCE YoU TO THE DvuKE oF Sriuton !”’ OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN, (Sadler’s Wells, and things in general.) Srr,—I can’t understand Helen MacGregor ever having been a great part, or Rob Roy evera good play. It is not until the end of the Second Act that anyone can become interested in the and it wants all the strength of name, and force of musical talent, to make such a couple of namby-pamby milksops as Francis Osbaldistone and Diana Vernon go down with an audience. At Sadler’s Wells on the first night it was to have been wished, for their own sakes, that they could have “‘ gone down” with, or without, the audience, and never re-a again. However, I dare say these blots, and that other old blot, Sir Frederick ‘‘ wid a cold id ‘is ’ed,” are all wiped out now, and ing remains but the manly bearing of Mr. Watter Bentiey as Rob Roy, the excellent acting of Mr. Epmunp Lyons as the Baillie, the artistically-played Dougal of Mr. R. Lrons—two Lyons in the same —** give ye good den, Gentlemen ’’—the sprightliness of Miss K. MripEn- a 5 > pas, and, finally, the statuesque poses and the clear declamation of Miss Bareman as ‘ac Gregor. The struggle between Rob Roy and his captors, and the fight between Captain Thornton and The PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 191 Dougal, were literally the hits of the piece, the latter combat being the best seen on So cage for many years. It looks absolutely as. In these days, when Editor meets Editor, and the tug of war is expected, they could not do better than drop in at Sadler's Wells, and see how it is done. Mr. F, W. Wrypuam gives us a finished icture of Captain Thornton, and omen Gorpon and Harrorp and Joun O'Connor have given us ually well-finished pictures of lachan of Aberfoyle — Heavens ! what a name !—the Crackin of Tin- foil would have been more theatrical —Pass of Loch Ard (where the water is so ’ard, eh, Anny’), and Loch Lomond by Moonlight. In consequence of Mrs, Bateman having omitted to name the front scenes in the published programmes, [ was a little startled on observing that the scene which followed ‘' The Highland eage o and which, according to my playbill, ought to have been Loch Lomond, was the interior of some room with a “door in flat.” At first it struck me that here was a new idea, and that we were to see the loch through the keyhole. However, on being in- formed t the omission was strictly in accordance with prece- dent, I was naturally satisfied. Sadler's Wells is well worth a visit during the run of Rob Roy Re- divivus, which, like the Iron Chest, will, I fancy, not see the light again for many, many years—if ever. It would make a splendid opera, better than Lucy of Lammermoor, and how neither Macrarren nor WALLACE seized on the subject is surprising. 7.45 is just a quarter of an hour too early for friends from a dis- tance, though, apart from Hansoms and Growlers, the ‘Angel visits” made by the trams and omnibuses are neither few nor far between. —~ | the Angel, only two hundred and fifty yards distant from the theatre > watch like the sweet little cheru perched up aloft over Mrs. Bareman and the family circle in the Bareman Family Theatre! So mote it be. By the way, when Mrs, BaTemAN wants a new pair of “wings,” she will, of course, send to the Angel. It’s a good thing, too, for the Angel, in the way of busi- ness, as more than one thirsty soul on leaving the theatre inquired, “Where the deuce is the Angel?” And to be told to ‘‘Go to the Angel” instead of—well—exactly the oppo- site, is pleasant for the inquirer’s feelings, and, as said before, good for the Angel. The Beauz’ Stratagem at the Im- perial has given place to the Poor Gentleman, They might be alter- nated, but no run can be expected for either of them. . Mr. WILson ae cw oe § Yourt, as a iately launc Yourt- ship, Tenderwritten” by H. J. Brxow, and, as I hope, ‘* success insured,” nere’s much to see and hear: Italian Opera at Her Majesty's, and the shining Rivitee flowing on at Covent Garden, where Mile. Ha- MAKERS (by her name Englishly pro- nounced) is making hay while the gas shines. Which is all at present from Your Representative.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAI [Octoper 25, 1879, RIVARI. iii NANA i a WM i; \ as | “thi cdl a = BRETHREN IN BLACK. Stingy Parson. *‘ Your CHARGE SEEMS A HIGH ONR, SwEEP. your Money very EAsity!” Sweep (with a grin). “ Yes, Six, we Gen’LemMEN oO’ THE ‘ CLoTH’ Dom'r we, Str?” You EARN LEAVE AND NO LICENCE. “Tue Society for Improving Public Morals,”—what- | ever that may be,—had a grand field-day with the Magis- trates last Friday, when the Oxford Music Hall was limited strictly to music without dancing, so that even a break-down now would break up their establishment,— | when the Aquarium Manager was informed that appear- | ances, in spite of there being so few fish in the tanks, | were decidedly fishy, whereupon he took to his ’eels, with | a sorrowing cry very like a wail; and then the blameless | proprietor of the Argyll Rooms, was again told that his valuable property wouldn’t be li , whether as a’ guile ot a’ guileless Rooms, and he too left, expressing his inten- | tion of giving up his stall in Westminster Abbey, and | orenty feeling inclined to dean-ounce the Dean, and | load the Canons with abuse, for having taken so success- | ful a shot at him. And then, O shade of dear old Paddy Gres, always 80 up to snuff, and such a friend at a pinch, the licence was refused to Evans’s!! Mr. Amor applied, but the Amor-ous proceedings were against him, and henceforth the ‘‘ Chough and the Crow” will seek another nest, and “‘ The Hardy Norseman,” who for so many years had his ‘‘ house of yore”’ in Covent Garden, will be a homeless wanderer on shore, as, long ago, the Cider Cellars the ““C C”—the two seas, were shut to this Ancient Mariner. Alas! poor hardy Norseman! The Ars Amoris has been fatal to you. To Evans’s, farewell !—a long farewell ! A Worthy Peer. Accorptne to a French newspaper no worse informed than the Liberté :— “Lord Guapstonse arrived in Paris at 5 p.m. yesterday, and alighted at the Hétel Bedford, where apartments had been engaged.” The foregoing announcement was probably made under the impression that the ex-Premier has been elevated to the House of Lords with the title of Baron Giapsrowe. Our Lutetian contemporary is evidently not aware that the style by which the present Priwe Minister has magnanimously i Her Masesty to exalt his distinguished predecessor and rival to the Peerage,—an honour likely to be as gratefully by the latter eminent Statesman as offered by the former,—is that of the Earl of Hawarpey, pronounced Harn’vun. po, Sim! Tue Heattn or Puesvs.—Our Absent Friend! DUNN ON BOTH SIDES. (A Page from the Diary of an English Resident.) Monday.—Up early. Put on my light summer native costume of ostrich feathers and cowtails. Joined hunting y of native neigh- bours. Killed an elephant. Assisted in eating himupraw. Accepted the entrails as plat d'honneur. Returned to residence for five o'clock tea. Assumed European costume, as I expected some Government officials to dinner. Had a pleasant chat with them about prospects of civilisation under the new Zulu Constitution. Tuesday.—Got back into my cowtails for interview with Native Chief, who wants me to take part with him in a Missionary hunt. Told him it could not be permitted; and that, besides, it was superfiuous, as I had driven them all out of the country. Mem.—To send any Reverend Gent I hear of within twenty miles of my boun a hint he had better make himself scarce, as I can’t answer for the Zulu Chiefs under me. Wednesday.—Assumed official uniform, and attended European wedding just over the Natal border. Returned thanks for the bridesmaids. Thursday.—Back again in my kraal. Inspected the new wives I bought last week. Afraid I have been cheated by my agent. At least three of them must be forty, if not upwards. _ Friday.— Launched en grand tenue diplomatique with a dis- tinguished European traveller. turday.—In cowtails. Joined in a war-dance with a few friends from the country. Sunday.— Read prayers at home. Monday.— Went out on the trail after an enemy of a friend of | mine. Caught him in the bush, and di of him by summary | process, strictly in accordance with the old Zulu law and custom, as pues GARNET’s conditions. Two assegais through my best | cowskin shield. nearest arms supplied previous to the last war. t cowts fringes, head-ring, and snuff-boxes in my ears, as a native chieftain. of rifles at the frontier. of them according to native law and cus uniform. six buckets of Kaffir beer, and to bed in my war paint! running, walking, and bicycle riding, at the Agricultural Hall! We now learn from the Guardian that— Guineas a Week. Tuesda —Rode over into Natal in mufti, Took tea with the ” agistrate. Hada pleasant game of lawn-tennis with his ris. Wednesday.— Settled accounts with a tribe that owed me money for Wore my full suit of cowtail Thursday.—Basy at office. Just in time to stop an importation Friday.—Five out of six of last batch of wives no good. Got rid tom. Saturday.—Rode in to the Bachelors’ Ball at Utrecht. Diplomatic Sunday.—After family prayers, had a roast ox for supper, drank Long-Winded. See the effect of the late matches against time in long spells of HE Vicar of Basingstoke REQUIRES the AID of a PRIEST who can INTONE from Oct. 19 to Dec. 21, for the Remuneration of Three Talk of wind! We doubt if this Intoner’s lungs would not be more than a match for the bellows of the most enduring athlete ever backed by Sir Jonw Astiry. Weighed in the Balance. Wuewn one of Society’s Editors takes to another assaulting, Wretches who into Society’s pale have no notion of vaulting, Say, with a snigger unfeeling they scarce make an effort to A Seems “‘ case of six of the one, and half-dozen or so of the other.” 4M To Cozszsrovpests.— The Editor does not hold hi-nself bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed envxle In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a Fm Sg Contrviutions, ope opies shousal be kept.

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Novemper 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 193 mM, 7 ‘ j nl WW! 1 ‘ pale LAU eat —~ THE FRENCH HORN. Aw otp Tunez Tarover a New Instrument. — ——_——— ee ~** i ee ? VIEWS THROUGH THE INTERVIEWER. ven to the publi- and a French reporter, list Lapeliod a a upon Mr. Punch, with the following result Reporter. You have read the speeches of Gian- stows in the Gaulois and the 7¢/égraphe ? Mr. Punch, 1 have. : Reporter. You have learned nothing new from their perusal ? Mr. Punch, Certainly not. Mr. Gransronr’s opinions upon all subjects have been for a long time public property. Reporter. Having reached the great age of two thousand numbers, doubtless you are well up in the events of the day ? Mr, Punch, Very well. __ fo . What is the chief characteristic of Sir Wrurarp Lawson ? Mr. Punch. That he warmly supports the Per- fam Re . Lord BEaconsrretp, too, is fond of what has been called an ‘‘ Imperial Poli ‘olicy ” ? = nang You ee nrmas i your peeten. eporter. I am in evin at the greatest Sage ‘of this or any age selides at 85, Mr. Punch, VU: bly. ; Reporter. And that Jonn Bui is a worthy person who is frank to a fault, and hates humbug in all its shades ? Mr. Punch. Yes. es Reporter. Lastly, I would ask whether there is any truth in the report that Her Majesty Queen Awye is Mr. Punch, You are quite right. Queen Anne és dead ! The Reporter then retired, deeply sensible of the value of the information he had elicited. Padding. Ir must be difficult to supply paragraphs of news daily fresh and fresh. The other day there was one ed “* Mysterious Affair at Hampstead.” This was sensational. So was the story of a man wounded in the leg, and conveyed on a stretcher to the police-station. What a chance for the re- a But it finished with—‘‘ No weapon was ound. The injured man, who was sent to the hospital, was very icative.” The re- porter might have added, ‘‘and ungrateful,” as he was evidently Gosplyannores at the wou man's inconsiderate selfish conduct. J/ faut vivre. ~~ nen ~~ ——_—=—= SS | THE PARNELL CODE. | ALL rents in future to be paid through Mr. Parwett, who shall | have power to make whatever abatement he may think proper in| favour of the tenant, before handing over the balance (if any) to the | landlord. The landlord to be at liberty to ask Mr. Panwe’s reasons. All . oy between landlords and fresh tenants to be submitted | to Mr. Parwext for approval, and revision if he deem it necessary. | All landlords to subscribe to the funds of the new “‘ Land League.” | No tenant to be i Aad a — ber | Mr. ras permission arrears of rent to be considered as cance y | such discharge ; but the tenant to be compensated for improvements. their value to be assessed by Mr. Panwext or his deputy. | Mr. Parwext, or his deputy, to attend rent audits ez officio, and to have a sosting vate in case of any division of opinion as to the reduction to be allowed to a tenant. , Mr. Parner to dictate a paid Y from the landlord to the tenant. Mr. Parwet will always be ready to accept invitations to shoot with landlords, and can arrange to stay for dinner and bed. So long as the present system exists of tenants payi rent to landlords, Mr. P will at all ti i | times be willing to advise | responsibilities to their tenants, and on eonciliating them, either by total re-| y, for a term of ninety-nine ledgment. ) will be glad to see any landlord who best to secure the goodwill and | absence, will be happy to advise attachment of his tenantry, on any of those days when he is not engaged at an agitation meeting, Mr. ParweE 1 will be ready to accompany any landlord or his agent on a visit to a tenant, but with the stipulation that the landlord (or agent) shall consent to the terms which Mr. Paxwewt and the tenant have previously agreed upon as fair and reasonable. Mr. Parwewt will offer no obstruction to a landlord wishing to call upon a tenant alone, with a view to see how he is managing his farm, in what state the farm-buildings are, and what crops and stock are on the land, provided the tenant has had at least a fortnight’s notice of the intended visit, and has signified to Mr. Parnet that he has no objection to seeing his landlord. Mr. Parwext would be glad to accompany landlords or their agents when they drive through their estates, and only regrets that his projected visit to America will prevent him from joining in such excursions, Any landlord who may desire to be Mr. Panwerx’s companion to America is requested to communicate with him without delay, and oo oats the sum he is prepared to contribute towards the expenses of ission, Any differences arising between landlords and tenants can stand over till Mr. Panwexy’s return; but landlords wishing for Mr. Panwet.’» advice while he is away in the United States, are at liberty t. tch cable messages to hi the answer is d. If preterred, Mr. Biecar, who act as Mr. Panwety’s deputy in his N.B.—Mr. Parwet will not be answerable for any consequences of any movement he is connected with. VOL, LXXVII,

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SS eevee” Ft eee wre SESE to Mossoo ! pork LE MATIERE DE ‘ement of his exorbitant and much-disputed account). ‘‘ On, OUT, 3 = *, = s 4 3 re s 3 is S> = : 3 | | Pa x z =) 4 = + 2 < Mais JUSTE VOUS REGARD®Z ICI, MON ga, 38 Pars!

November 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE

LONDON CHARIVARL

«A | S | y iis ff 4 aa Hovss-SpipEr. oF PERSEVERANCE ! = ISS — se THE SCIENTIFIC CORPS. Colonel (sternly, pointing to large Cobweb in a corner of the Stables), ‘‘ WHAT D'YS CALL THAT, Sin?” Young Subaltern (fresh from the Academy). *‘ Taat, Sim, 1@ THE WeB OF THR ARACHNIDA SgpenTARIA Domestica, on CoMMON WE CONQUER HIM DURING THE DAY, SiR, BUT HE GETS THE BETTER OF US AT NIGHT. Or coursE, Sim, YoU REMEMBER THE Story or Bruce anp——” [ ait Colonel, hastily, muttering something about the ‘‘ Service going "’—somewhere. HE 18 CONSIDERED A MODEL

LOVE AND WEDLOCK IN SALUTERRA. (From a Romance of 4.D, 2054.) THE sun was setting with well-tempered warmth—for even the orb of day had learnt moderation in this Region of the Blest—over the scienti y-constructed and thoroughly sanitarised houses,— five houses to the acre, and five inmates to the house,—of Richard- sonopolis, the capital of Saluterra. The children were singing scientific part-songs in the snow-white and spacious streets as they trooped merrily home from the school that was delight, or exercised their muscles in friendly rivalry on oumtestably padded bicycles. Few grown genpens were visible. The élite of both sexes—and. nine out of ten of the inhabitants were included under the title—having finished their esthetic or scientific occupations of the earlier day, were now in their lighter occupations, some of composing operas others of writing plays, perfect in concep- tion, faultless in construction, flawless in taste, and consummate in expression. Lions and tigers, their native ferocity transformed to ae 7 the refining influences about them, were giving their willing aid to the rougher work inseparable from even Salu- terraneous agriculture, leaving its lighter tasks to the lower order of the inhabitants,—lower, but yet how lofty ! The one unfortunate Saluterranean at that moment hors de combat —if indeed such existence can be called a combat—from the accident of = grained ancle at foot-ball, was being ry 4 fanned back to health in the luxurious retreat sgapeguiated to the few pensioners of commonwealth who had oveasion to accept the freely profiered i ior accommodation, consummate nursing, and i y i . What need of medicine under the bene- ions of the sanitary conditions of Saluterra ? Reclining on a scientifically inclined couch, in the shady and t garden crowning the roof of her father’s spacious mansion,

elephant, lay the fair IpaLta—a ripening maiden of some forty sum- mers. At her side stood a table with the evening meal of luscious fruits and cunningly-prepared ouneele, Boles, and fresh garden pro duce. On her lap lay an open volume of The Sanitary Retrospect, from which she turned from time to time to toy with a morsel of dainty cream-cheese, nibble at a fairy alice of bread and honey, or partake lazily from a plate of strawberries immersed in the richest cream, for the cows, too, in this happy land, paid tribute to the blessednes: of the place, turning out on the average ten pounds of butter by the week, or, when their produce was consumed in the ~ oe form, the milk of three pints of cream daily. To such more perfected per fection had the natural lactiferousness of the Alderney been carriv< by the system of Saluterra, and the confidence engendered by the | knowledge that the butcher was banished from this Happy Land ! ** Strange!” she murmured, as she lifted her eye from her book, ‘* that little more than two hundred years ago the world should hav: been so benighted! Fancy a land—one, too, claiming the first plese in the civilisation of that day—in which Government offices, | liticians, sailors, soldiers, doctors, and butchers could find a iving! And the ladies’ dresses, too !—so utterly unsanitary, if not uite unbecoming, to judge from that curious old record, Le Follet nd she turned from the quaint reproductions of tie-backs and gipsy-bonnets to glance over her own well-considered costume, whi! included an easy blouse, ample trousers,’and suspenders, brightly embroidered with sanitary gnomes, crossing on back and breast. = =—=s At this moment a light but masculine step sounded on the soaglic|a — stairs which led up to the aérial garden. Ipatia coloured, as, | raising her eyes, she exclaimed, rather sharply than sweetly, *' So | Here you are again!” | “ Yes, here 1 am again!” sighed the new-comer as he dropped | into a seat at her side. He was a gallant youth, of some forty-five, in the prime of early . “And could I help it? In vain all the curious Crustaceans, the many-hued Molluscs, the ravishing

tired out with toying with her pet ef the period, a domesticated young Radiata, strove to woo me to their arms during my lonely submarine rambles, in my self-aérating subaqueous suit, along the floors of the

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196 [Novemper 1, 1879. _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL great seas! In spite of them, in spite of m behold me once more at your feet, to tell you that I love love you as near di ion as in this happy land a can maiden, in i 0.” . flow often have Itold you,” replied a tone of calm yet — sy ** tha’ too young for such words there cultivate your mind and develope your muscular system, till both are nearer that maturity which alone fits « man’s heart to bear the beating of of passion.” * Oruel girl!” sadly exclaimed the scientific but sorely- smitten young man, ‘‘ you presume upon your years. But | am answered. Your heart is gi another—that Mac-Moses!” And he in the convulsive agony of jealous tell-tale blush had faded from had — down the stairs, with who d already feel, if quisite pain of the Pe * But can he to in hero!—the MacM a! man of fourscore '”’ he t a statel sh , symmetrical and serene. pny t lofty ee tn hat which bespoke he ride in his Hebrew origin, he flung himself upon nees before her. “My gallant Highlander!” soft enamoured girl, as her eye wand y over the full suit of tartan and cairn-gorms, the of old Gaul, which set off his shapely limba, “ you at my feet, and stooping to my hand!” _““My own Iparia!” he answ but pas- sionately, ‘‘ I worship you with all fervour of a blood in which—thanks to the admirable breeding arrangements of this favoured land—the perfervid of the Celt and the sublime enthusiasm of the Hebrew blend with the stalwart endurance and healthy animalism of the Saxon.” “My own mixed one!” she whispered, in a voice hardly audible from soft emotion ; and then starting up suddenly, as another step resoun on the garden- stair, and a well-preserved elderly gentleman of a hundred-and-twenty appeared on the terrace roof, exclaimed, ‘‘My father—the MacMoses. You come in the nick of time. You know my He has just revealed his. Bless us, oh my father!” And with these cangle words she had presented the mature Man of eighty to the enduring Elder of six score. The proud parent, to whom the name and fame of MacMoses were well known, exclaimed, as he over their bowed heads hands in which no y of age was yet to be detected, * Bless you, my chil vy And the happy Two were a still happier ong! So short, so sweet, were Love and W edlock in Saluterra! murmured the A Conditional Science. Tue new College, Ridley Hall, of which the corner- stone was laid the other day, is said to be designed to teach scientific theology. Some theo of course is orthodox ; but if there are theologies essed by Doc- tors who differ, and Professors who excommunicate one another, which peclesy. please your Reverences, is the scientific one? For even who believe its axioms, and grant its postulates, can any theology be more of a science than Heraldry ? Conjectural Emendation. (For the new Shakepeare Society.) “ The time is out of joint!” Hamer had just been telling his comrades how a man he was, and then he invites them into ad He fears that he shall not be able to provide for them a suitable feast. Indeed, so had been the i in the royal larder, that the funeral baked meats been served up cold to furnish forth the marriage-tables. Struck by this thought, the Prince exclai A VOICE FROM THE WEST. dtheiis . till’d th’ varm I be on; But I wonder ef they were indlen, th’ warriors th’ _ white z0 Ef they then th’ pi were, then \- turs be Pelechoole, an’ Measter Hon’r- cK To be an’ gran’fer ive, ef a maiden vor wife ’e can pick : just by jerkin’ his thumb, ofa ha'penny drum! rout pou su’ Lag’ tho pest, e & An’ buxom youn 8 Ladies ’e mid have, Ibe;twold, ’, go’s-truth ! no stouter his loins be than th’ There ’s noo harm in un,—no, not a bit! but between you an’ I Ef ye talk to un e’r a bit ser’ous, bout bus’ness, ’e zeems kinder lost,— When I show’d un dthick prize piece o’ turmets, ’e zes, lookin’ wise as ye please, “ Ah! how many boil’d wegs o’ mutton will it take to get rid of all these ? Me Lord ’e were right in a-zendin’ th’ y t to sit i’ th’ ’ Ef ’twere only to teach un fine manners, an’ gi’e un a zest vor th’ grouse ; There ’s nothin’ do gi’e zuch a relish vor spodrt as a brisk spell o’ work : An’ t’ Hon’rable Dick ’e worked hard stan’in’ up vor th’ unspeakable Turk. Yes! night a’ter night, he do tell us, th’ party i’ Parli’ment zat, Ev’ry man o’ ’em pers’nally present, or a-zavin’ a zeat wi’ his hat, An’ a-strugglin’ till daylight i’ marnin’, dividin’, dividin’, like sleaves, A-kippin Barrayyer triumphant, an’ a-rulin’ vor ever the weaves! It do vire up o6n’s heart in a glow, min, t’ zee th’ gurt lords o’ th’ soil Devotin’ th’ir sons i’ th’ Senate, vor th’ good o’ dtheiis nation, to toil ! When our M.P. ’d a-served th’ last Session, ’e com’ hwome, as’t mid be, yrom school An’ his face had a-lost dthick expression had caus’d voke to call un a fool ; ’E look’d sterner, an’ deeper, an’ darker, an’ fix’d his eye-glass wi’ a frown, Like a bwold knight returnin’ vrom battle, or a po-lis yrom puttin’ ’em down. Well! as up to Gurt Hall I were gone, as it mid be to learn o’ his fame, _ I’d a-searce cross’d the codurt when his voice, out o’ winder, were callin’ me name ; “Come in, Sua’sonz! How do! Sit youdown! Take adrink! Have a weed! How’s y’r wife?” ) , Never treated mwore friendly was I ; never velt mwore at hwome i’ me life! In his own noble smoke-room ’e zat,—ne’r bit proud, an’ zo gracious, an’ free, Ev'ry inch o’n a gentleman born,—an’ such kind condescension to me! He’d a-gotten th’ lads vrom th’ steables, an’ un or two vellars i’ plush, A-gi'in’ o’em a slight recreation, combin’d wi’ tobaccer an’ lush, — An’ the laughter ’e rais’d were tremenjus, as his au’jence th’ tactics By which th’ Young Englander party th’ Radical cats had a-bell’d! : wern’t by speakin’ ; ‘‘ Such arguing’s useless,” as ’e zaid, “ with an obstinate crew ; To give them a chance to chop logic, ’s not the e that our side had in view.” But th’ row ’e did raise were a caution, as he show’d us th’ right zort o’ trick, Th’ cheerin’, th’ groanin, th’ whistlin’ wo’d th’ lungs o’ a steam-engine liek He e’d bray like an ass to th’ life; an’ his meowlin’, like Tom on th’ tiles W'd ’a’ fetched all th’ Tabbies ¢’ hear un, ef ’e’d tried it, I do think, vor Then t’ zee how ’e draw’d hisself up, zo t’ speak, wi’ his back to th’ rock, An’ his face to th’ foe, an’ his eyes shut, a-crowin’ like a gallant game-cock ! ’Twas a frolic I sha’n’t soon forget ;—but Writ Cox, when I met un next day, remarks, after hearin’ me story, most cruel I really must say : He cried shame on th’ system o’ puttin’ young swells up t’ how! an’ t’ sereech At orators parlous to touch, or reply to by fair honest : 4 “ An’ t’ think,” zed ’e, lookin’ severe, ‘* while these dandies are having their day, Or TH’ GOLD AND TH’ YOUNG PRECIOUS LIVES 80 STUPIDLY 8QUANDER’D away! JERE SMALLBONE. Aw Inise Corrnapticrion.—In Ireland it is very difficult to twelve men ** The time is out of joints!” to agree to a verdict in Agrarian cases. And yet the class from the Juries are taken evidently make a careful study of Juny’s prudence!

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Novemser 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW BY ANTICIPATION. Puncu having apne he ot nd. Lord ers Procession this year was to have any copnel has interviewed that mysterious functionary Hot the Hantper, and is now able to furnish the idloukan 5 pegees, safely be accepted as that ‘* Danirye’s correct card,” and Ae J Fovr Policemen, three abreast. The Band of the City Fire Brigade (each man playing on his own hose). Alderman Norrace proving a negative. The Commiosioners of Sowers taking © drsin— the Chairman as Cloacinus Maximus, Sir W. ARMSTRONG with the Woolwich , infant, singing, ush thee, my Baby !” The Company of Salters, led by the Shades of Tare and Bray. The Lord Nose-who looking for the Lord Nose-what. The Company of Cricketers, led by the Three Guaces, singing catehes. emeemlatheds playing selections from ‘* Un Ballo,” , arm-in-arm. Grey in Court Designing the Ci The Company ol Lemmiiaese nd las Hone, te e Compan ecoun an as antes Daneing to their favourite Pape emery So : Led by Wapox. from Alderman’ 8 ° Walk. Al ing a gin- All the little ot looking very gud fiross The Co of Barber-S of Medical, Surgical, ‘anf Optioal cal instruments. With their Band ** Let me like a Soldier fall.” Alderman to blush sem, but never saw it. The Company f Dyes art yr pete be His er bearing the device, “Ain’t I fat w Two Middlesex Artillerymen > py Professors TynpatL, Darwiy, and UXLEY, singing Oh dear, what can the matter be ? The Company of Fishmongers, marching to their cast-o’-nets. Three Policemen in double column. The am + ~ y of Woomera their i otiyeiog oes coachwheels. Corn Meters, the Meters, the Gas Meters, The Tose, Electric-lights, and other luminaries, The Company of Brewers, a Bass Chorus, accompanied by One Hunprep Barrer Orncans. A detachment of one — Officer, with great command over himself. Messrs. PaRnELL, B and O'Connor Powekr, chanting = ww The ee awe. sa The Great City Marshal. The S ity Marshal, as Spurious Horatius, sin “I’m the = y Ra bal, Spur ’ Farringdon itheut ithout /” The Common nnating. P from the of St. Pani’s, oA A Company of ¢ ny of City Horse Masinee (limited). perman Siding into into oblivion, Proied by That im Bod of men the ty Lieutenants of the City, ip 3 hg, tenth Depa Lia owerd-eneee. od aig ich iediem On a White Elephant, in pink fleshings, wearing The Wreath, ih! dear, what shall I do with it?” And singing, Farmers’ » Wivee ond Dense - wae im down lown acoordingly. The ky The Company of Morchent a eat Tallon Ted 1 by Me Mr. Trvnere. Sir Jonw Beyverr, ‘Mi Grandfather's Clock,” and tting face upon it. toning a ty Conner * Gin = lode Sos. yoy bem ud - The erent Sis ay eh Carpen as King Sotomon. by his admirers, the Constituency of Bridge Ward Without. Tue Rient Hon. tHe Lory Mayor, Sm FRANCIS TRUSCOTT, Combining the tof an Ownaw with the sweetness of s WaETEAN. two hundred persons To shine for one cheba hres col Chet? zsfliions, Benstes of eee, So Sty Las All the German al Rms Beste Bends fom within the Twenty-mile oe Imperial Pree torian Guard, But that will be according to Imperial recedent. A SONG OF “ SALUTLAND.” Arn—“ Kenn’ st du das Land?” ~~ ee ~~ ¥. SS | —— _—_. a I 4 Kyow’st thou that land where food is Nature’s boon To them that use nor knife nor fork nor spoon— * Terra salutis””—Land we'd fain salute Where butcher-meat is for herbs and fruit ? Know’ st thou that ? Gothere! Go there! And live a hundred years on that mild fare. Know’st thou that land, content with water clear, Whose people drink no spirits, wine, ri beer ; Tobacco neither ousie, Sas nor snuff per L al So ne’er with nicotine their blood im Know’st thou that land ? Ge thee Go there ! And live a hundred years as those folk fare Know’ st thou b ey) whote population browse Aloft, among the green e boughs ; Land of banana, in. and bread-fruit tree, Where Soko and climbs the Chimpanzee ? Know’ st thou that land? Gothere! Go there! And live on Chimpanzee’s and Soko’s fare. Know’st thou that land where minor monkeys hang Hard by their -armed lord, -outang, From twigs d g by 7 pocpenate Whilst them the cocoa-nut with milk regales ? Know’ st thou that land ? ) A Go there ! And live a hundred years on apish fare. Know’ st thou that land ? io then ad thinks tte de, Teetotaller and V too, Thon and thy chil brood brood, Subsist on those our poor relations’ f Know’st thon that land ? Go there! Go there! And try high thinking on low living there. Woowght by eetiet on th Think there what change might be a) — Dera Cn lcd aps | pc rg tee a sm ae Go there! And centenarian prog with Simians share. CUSTODIRE CUSTODES. Writ Sir Ganwet will want to keep the :—a Pre- Oe ACER Ala RR tear mRNA mmm mn lh oe iene Baaaie

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Novemper 1, 1879.

2 =

THE HEIGHT OF ASTHETIC EXCLUSIVENESS. Mamma. ‘‘ Wao ARE THOSE EXTRAORDINARY-LOOKING CHILDREN !”’ Efe. ‘Tux Cimasvs Browns, Mamma. Taxy’RE #£sTH#zTIC, you know!” Mamma. ‘‘So I snovty mmacurz. Do you KNOW THEM TO SPEAK TO!”’ Effie. *‘Om DEAR NO, MaMMA—THEY’RE MOST EXCLUSIVE. WY, THEY PUT OUr THEIR TONGOCES AT US IF WE ONLY LOOK AT THEM!”

“ COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO ! ”— Ir is yet oom around The day- =| seems slow ; The ane ve bound us Lie still dark. and low ; But we hear the cocks crowing, And know ’tis a sign That the night-time is te going, The sun will soon shine Could the cocks’ shrill view-holloa The sun a youse from bed, Long cre this had Apalig Un-night-capped his head ; But if day through night’s curtain Be struggling to get, Tis only too certain It’s not daylight yet. Yet the verge shows a glimmer To weatherwise si ery. <i ’s Hatfield’s black rooster— The bird for a show !— Mi pe Sie Save Semmanad ease aie, ere combat all crow ! His spurs bravely shown are, And big is his bruit— In thy Garden ~<a With more flowers than Fruit! But fruit can’t be ve for This year of offen And what this oak fe is hooked for, Is sound and not sense. Brag and blooms in high-flung hill So Manchester showers, We scarce see or smell dunghill For fragrance and flowers ! There’s the Stanley sot tamame His breed round Chat Moss ; And the Eccles Cross— — He’d ne’er fought a Tigges Be S atl hackle, Who ws sparring sleight But lacks “‘ devil” to tac A foe in hard fight. Still, whate aap re at fighting, “SONGS BEFORE SUNRISE.” Bat ’tis .-t., one side only rds for the pit ; What tes crowing, if lonely The challengers sit ? Cock-a-doodles breed echoes, anal ws ~F way to =, peckers, AM oe combs to cut. There’ a = Bright burl me-cock, Of tough Rockdale stake Prompt to -y prove he’ . the same cock t won many a main. He’s old, you may tell us, But his heart is as good As when, big of bellows, His crow ike blood. a there in the distance, to crow— resistance The old cock of Ha’rden, The Cock of he — Midlothian’s yard Will soon “* toe the chalk ”’ There’s the Devonshire Shoe, Of challenge less loud, Bat his spur is a swinger By judges allowed. Oxford's cod well I ween has o foe he deigns fear, And his steel is as keen as His clarion is clear.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novemszr 1, 1879. « | \ ‘\ i! ‘ \\ \' \Y i x N TN Ta ay" » V ne “ COCK-A-DOODLE-D00!”—‘‘SONGS BEFORE SUNRISE.”

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November 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. There ’s the Pomfret game-chicken, Don’t let Jouw Bux on wrong quest Less for fighting than feeding, Australian-bred, ain common sense shirk, Jouw But keeps his pens, Not for show but keen prickin’ Mistake Crowing for Conquest, So should count worth and breeding His spurs bear a head ; Big Word for big Work. Of cocks as of hens : While the Elgin-Burgh Bantam, ; Reckon up the eqs bate that That red-hackle bright, | At their own value never Goes down to their score, As in crow he’ll out-rant ’em, Take cock more than man ; And of chickens the hatch that Will out-face in fight. Dullest chief may show clever They bring his barn-door ! Amidst his own clan. But whate’er these cocks’ colour, On his own dunghill hoisted, Or backers or What bird cannot crow ? Not mocn_or a Cuanoxr. — (After some Crow they sharper or duller, With others’ wind foisted, late Irish Meetings).—The Member for With more brass or reed, Weak lungs far will go. Louth—Mr, Zuivvax, = LEMON-AID TO LONG LIFE. © -. AL ~ fy . a >) Si = yi, ! Sj = pe 4 Y) by yy, re ; Uy { ph a S ti" aa , _ = ¢ Gi 4 fan ~ LEMONS >7—~ >. =" SS Sag _ “Ss {ey Dr. Riewarpson, founder ‘of Hygeiapolis, and discoverer of Salut-land, is a great makrobiotik sage, but Dr. WimHELM Scumoete, Professor of Pathology and Graduate of Bonn Univer- sity, it must be confessed, isa greater. For if Dr. Ricuarpson has discovered how to prolong life to six-score, Dr. Scumor.e has found out the way to lengthen it indefinitely, and by a much shorter cut. To reach Dr. Richarpson’s six-score, men must submit themselves to the discipline of Hyseiapolis, and become un-naturalised citizens of Salut-land, where butcher’s meat is pees, and politics for- bidden. Think of Joun Buxt without his beef, and his belligerent Press and Parties! But to reach the indefinite stretch of life promised us by Dr. ScuMoErLE, we have oaty eat lemons enough. According to the in the’ Daily Telegraph, here is the quan- tum of;citrie acid that will pickle the constitution against the decay of age, and make our bodies so sour that Time’s teeth will take no hold of them :— “To ladies over forty and under fifty, commencing the citronian system, Dr. ScumoRLE prescribes two lemons per diem, whilst gentlemen between those ages must ‘ assimilate’ at least three lemons daily. Between fifty and sixty, the dose for ladies is set down at three, for gentlemen at four lemonsaday. One lemon more per diem is ordained to each sex for every additional decade, so that centenarians must consume, if women, their eight lemons daily—if men, no fewer than nine.” Some men may say, “Come death, rather than nine lemons per diem!” They may prefer the grave, with all its possibilities, doubts, and to mn gary an infusion of sours, if not bitters, in their cup of too long life. They would, in fact, rather welcome the undertaker’s ghastly mockery of woe and the toll of the funeral * life thus acidified to the tune of “ Oranges and U HIGH SHRIEVALTY REFORM, Rient Worsurrrvt Mr. Ponca, GuytLemen who let & Sy of Geetanete in public prints should fo oe ae eee . ’t they ? a 8 oe jeant he e been respected a Corresponden 7) , who one of the exactions which he or await those who are condemned to serve the office of High Sh P xB la erate eb ei * S Ag he is ship a the first hovel in the town hid oon resi 0 more fan thirty aiiles distant, and no suitable private residence could be on any terms in the assize town.” Atrocious, if true. But when, if ever, was this enormity com- mitted? What English Judge capable of anything so outrageous has existed since Judge Jerrneys—and was Jerrneys ever Chief Baron ? No doubt a High Sheriff is laden with heavy charges. Very likely High Sheriffs are of no use, Still, Mr. Punch, 1 hope we may trust a ative Government not to be prevailed upon by the clamour of a poverty-stricken aristocracy to abolish the ancient and venerable office of High Sheriff. Wh should the office be limited to owners of the soil? Let it at once be thrown open to large manufacturers, big brewers, and other wholesale business men, and even to ordinary shopkeepers sufficiently wealthy rs and tea-dealers, linen- drapers, and tailors. Bir, I yoelt am the proprietor of extensive artificial manure works, and I pay, I su , about.ten times as much Income-tax as my neighbour, Sir Grorrxey Gascolonsr, with his encumbered estate, most of it bare acres. He can derive no additional consequence from being High Sheriff, and he can’t afford it, whereas I can, and the appointment would give me prestige, besides cueyering the purpose of a — advertisement for the concern conducted by ours truly, TRrrPLe PHosPuATeE, = COLD COMFORT, Avsrrta held by Bismancx’s heavy hand n an ‘‘ offensive and defensive ‘ band,’ ”’ Not free to wink, or think, to stir or stay, But as he points his “* blood and iron” way ; The German Zoll-verein strict, stern, emphatic, Stretching from Baltic sea to Adriatic ; And Jou» Butt left to twirl an idle thumb, When his wares are shut out German come. One will, one word, one influence ; P Small neighbours quaking, and big neighbours arming ; On Europe's prostrate neck a heavier heel ; ag ee might to t one less Fe i, or an hope, peace, employ— Such Satisuuny’s * glad tidings of great 7 ! ** Wonderful, Wonderful, and again Wonderful!” “* Faruine for Pleasure and Profit.” Yes, there is aman who has published such a book, and, stranger sti that it records actual experiences. He says he nas farmed with pleasure and with profit! His name is Rotawp., Rolando Furioso—Rotayp stark staring mad—surely. Yet the man writes like a rational man, and records what read like genuine experiences! Cuarmanw awp Hatt are the publishers, and we recommend the book to the curious, INVERTING THEIR PARTS. To judge by their unin terrupted record of .vietories over Asarloun tamme, it tg Danie tation Goh ano Ging 0 Yankee, and the Yankee Eleven that are Daft.* * Daft—Silly, weak of brain,—North Country Glossary. sw Apps tit es tees le eas

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202 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON HOORAY! THE INVALIDS GETTING ON THEIR LEGS AGAIN! HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. (Being a Dickens of a Dickensionary for the use of Visitors to the Metropolis.) POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTION.—Divers amusements all day. The Ghost of Professor Perrer haunts the Institution regularly. POST-OF FICE.—Well worth a visit. See how it’s done. The Postmaster-General looks after all the military letters, and a oe all the naval correspondence. On Black Monday a Post Mortem is held on all the d letters, and a verdict given accordingly. Refer to the Postmaster-General, and he will tell off a Private Letter- Box for your own particular duty. The Establishment in St. Martin’s-le-Grand is always open to the public, and anyone may walk round and ask the clerks if there are any letters for him, and see how things in general are going on. _ POULTRY.—Found, on Man-auiey, bo be a very fair, and not at all a foul part of the City, whence is derived the name “ kney.” It consists of an increasing, or crowing population—that is, according to the latest elation. The Old Cock, however, never roosted there, but always o ite the Temple. PRECEPTO COLLEGE OF.—All Masters—no pupils. Very thriving establishment. Every Master teaches every other Master. There is no distinction of rank, all the young Masters being equally called Misters. Portraits of the Old Masters on the walls. PRIMROSE HILL.—Where Dr. Primrose, the Vicar of Wakefield, lived—hence the name. Here Gotpsmirn invented his episodical story of Moses and the green spectacles, and wrote the song of “ was Moses when the Light went out?” The ascent of Primrose Hill can be made with guides. You can stop a night on the summit if you like, returning at your own time. PRINCE OF WALES'S THEATRE.—A very place of entertainment, which was bank-rupt before Banc-rorr. Here Mr. Joun Hane first came out, and by his a oe in Society, gave the place quite a fashionable Hare. Mr. Bancrort’s little are was ery te mag ge A night for years, but at last dropped off altogether. Fortu- nately, about this time Mr. Arruur Cecii up, while the lost Hare came out in anew place. Mr. Ceci made up for Mr. Hane, but in the e-up there was no resem- In most of the pieces, in which Mr. Cecrt has had to perform, there has been a good deal of eating ; from which it was at first erroneously sup- that his engagement was as a “supper-numerary.” Since coming here he has pla in everything, never having missed a piece, but his last is a master-piece. According to the rule of ‘‘ Present company always canptet ” so Mr. Bancrort’s present Company is exceptionally good. At this house it is all work and lots rot , PRINCESS'S THEATRE.—Just now under the influence of Drink. _ QUEEN ANNE'S BOUNTY OFFICE.—Bounty distributed every First of April to anyone giving news as to the death of Queen ANNE. Office much durin celebra futiny of the so and has never been the same since. It is also called “The First Fruits and Tenths Office,” and prizes are given to all market-gardeners for the first fruit . [Novemper 1, 1879, ———Ke—mii— brought in on every tenth day of the month. It is a pretty custom, and a large crowd may generally be expected to witness the ceremony. QUEKETT MICROSCOPICAL CLUB. —The smallest Club in the world. Only visible through the most powerful glasses. The livery of the servants is mvisible green. Their motto is ‘‘ Omne ignotum pro magnifico,” i.e., nothing can be done without a ifying-glass. Here all the littlest of little dinners are given. The subscription is reduced to a minimum. RAILWAYS.—(See the well-known little book, Line upon Line.) THE DINING CAR. Arn—“ The Low-Backed Car.”’ Wuen first J used the railway, ’T was in Mugby Junction days. With their sandwiches so salt and stale, Their buns with the fly-blown glaze, Their Melton pies of weight and size, Soup too hot down to fling, And sausage-rolls, if not men’s souls, Their stomachs e to wring. As you jumped from your first-class car, The minxes at yee | Bar Your change down, With a flounce and a frown, And a haughty, ‘‘ There you are!” Five minutes, a frantic fixture, You strove with might and main To file some scalding mixture, _ hile the bell rang—for the train ! Your tea or soup you swallowed, As much as did not fly On your shirt-front or your waistcoat, From the dense crowd hustling by. While the minxes at Mugby Bar, Smiled, serene, upon the war, For they ’d learnt the art, And looked the part— Of ** We are your betters far.” But in Puttman’s dining-car, Sir, Now run on the Northern Line, You ’ve a soup, and a roast, and entrées, And your cheese and your pint of wine. At his table snug the passenger sits, Or to the smoke-room moves, While on either side the landscape flits, Like a world in well-greased grooves. Thanks to PuLLMAN’s dining-car, No more Mugby Junction Bar— No more tough ham and chicken, Nor passenger-pickin’ For the minxes behind the Bar! Then success to the Dining-Car, Sir, With elbow-room allowed, . And leisure to dine and sip your wine, And blow the digestive cloud. Punch takes off his hat to Puttmay, And his sleeping and eating car, In the cause of British digestions, Against Mugby Junction Bar ! Be the journey never so far, With his dining and sleeping-car, At our ease in our inn, Along we spin, ; Nor dread Mugby Junction Bar! The Great Turf Frauds. ‘* Reports are current,” says a daily con- temporary, that ‘‘ Messrs. DruscovitcH and Parmer have been offered good ap- pointments in Aseson one have them.” ’Cute of the Yankees this. ted | unfortunate Mr. Froeeatr was no sooner free than he was again arrested. Out of the Coldbath into hot water. ~~ - [-i-. &w-8..).8-2- n Pee

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Novemser 1, 1879.] FEMALE DENTISTRY. **Ir’s NEARLY OUT; BUT MY WRiIsT Is 50 TrntD THAT I MUST Rest a wit!” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. 203 ORIGINAL VACCINATION. | A movement is on foot to cause Vaccination to be per- formed with | supplied by the This is an fo . am to be highl : Vacci in the next, Vaccination penplndnm Sag = et oy cow- on ore, can possibly be made to it by fanatics is that which many f them alleged inst Jenner's original tion ; namely, that leu horns to proton th heed an os a tail, * ‘But the word calf meaning both the animal and limb of that name, ambiguity perhaps would be avoided if instead of “ Vaccination from the Calf,” the process were to be styled ‘* Vaccination from Veal.” O Evans! Middle-aged Man about Town log. :— Farewe t the quiet chop! the kidn ! Farewell the oud led bones and rept That made abstention virtue—O, farewell ! Farewell the ready waiter, the bill, The nose-enliveni epe-dlliing smoke, The kindly hand , and all quality, Pride, pomp, and cireumstance of Pappy Green ! And 0 you ancient whose rude throats The immortal Jove’s d clamour counterfeit, Farewell !—A fellow’s ocoupation ’s gone! Othello improved. The Personal Press. Ir is announced that the Gentleman's M. was of old under the direction of SxLvanus be reproduced, on its ori I by name the Antiquarian, is will be a title more expressly distinctive than that of Mr. Sytvanus Urpan’s Miscellany. In these days a Gentleman’s Magazine may be imagined by the Public to have been so styled to dis- tinguish it from the Blackguards’ Magazines — now brought out weekly, if not monthly. zine, as it RBAN, is to , a8 a new monthly, REALLY READING AND SPELLING. Proresson Max MOLLER is worthily reputed one of our cleverest men ; and yet the 7imes reports him to have spoken at the open- = of the Midland Institute, the other day, at Birmingham, as ‘ollows :— “He characterised English spelling 26 a national misfortune. It handi- capped the English child to an extent that would be incredible if it were not demonstrated by statistics.’’ Statistics may well prove that many English children are handi- capped by English spelling, but if a great many English children are too dull or too lazy to read more than they are obliged, what does it signify whether they are handicapped or no ? hat race in life is reserved for the little dunces, when they become great ones, as they y will if they live, but a donkey-race? Did not you yourself, as a youngster, pick up yas spelling unconsciously in the progress of your reading; and have you not since learned how to spell every word in every sngneds in the world, dead and living, without an effort, in course of getting the languages up ? If the first of the Three R’s has been acquired to any purpose, does not the S naturally follow? Some school-boys may never have learnt to spell, as spelling But most certainly these boys would not have learnt more of spelling, or learnt the little they know more easily, under the tuition of the Spelling Reformers, and by the light of the Fonetic Nuc. A Hint. some scientific Professors, who have written to the Zimes on the subject. Why don’t the dupes a for assistance to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, which prosecuted a farmer the other day, and him punished, for ‘‘ plucking live geese.” The learned Professors seem to haye been “had alive,” and are still A German calling himself ‘‘ Dr. Pricrn,” has been swindling | coffins A REGULAR SQUENCHER. THERE was a proposal for a National Memorial—well deserved, if ever such Memorial was—to Rowxianp Hitt. The Lord Mayor, Mr. Cuartes Wuetruam, became the official head of the movement, as usual, It languished, and after less than £100 had come in, Lord Mayor WuetHamM threw up the sponge, and proposed to drop the business, He now writes :— “T was uaded by a small deputation of citizens to defer carrying out this intention, in order that they might have an opportunity of canvassing for donations among the merchants and bankers of the City. This they have done, with the use of my name as Lord Mayor. The deputation now write and tell me that, for the present, they intend to carry on the movement by themselves. Iam not aware what sums have llected v4 or promised to them, but the public should clearly understand that none of the amounts have yet reached the Mansion House, th they were canvassed for, as I have said, by the use of the name of the Mayor. I am thus unable to carry the matter any further, and I have to-day returned the donations, amounting in all to £90 2s. 8d., which were originally forwarded to the Mansion House, to the various subscribers,”’ Thank you, my Lorp Mayon. Very kind of you. Perhaps the movers had better carry on the movement for selves, If you want blankets to damp a fire down—wet ’em ! BOARDING FOR BABIES. Ir might be too truly said that “ Boarding-Out” in the case of r children is apt to be very soon followed by ‘‘ Boarding-In.” xcept where, as is too common, the Baby-Farmer fails to provide e A HOUSE THAT OUGHT TO BE MOVED. Tue Standard tells us the t Parliament has another good year torun. Punch would rather put it, “‘ has another bad year to smarting under the operation. stand still.”

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“SILENCE IS GOLDEN.” Guileless Young Whist-Player (regarding his hand meditatively—a spade having been turned up). ‘‘1 woxpER way¥—An—THE Dury on Carbs Is ONLY THREE- [ Electrical effect on the other three old stagers / pence! !”’ OUR LETTER-BOX, (Being a recent Official Correspondence.) HM. P.-0O., St. Martin’s-le-Grand, Mr. Surrr, 3 Your name” having been submitted to the Postmaster-General as a candidate for the appointment of Postmaster at Chubbington, I have to re- quest you will immediately inform me in what part of the town you purpose establishing the Post-Office i your age, full name, and the names of two re- 8 ble householders who become sureties for you to the department for the sum of £200. It is perhaps unnecessary to add you must be a house- holder, and that the Post-Office should be as near the centre of the town as possible, Svnveror H.M. P.-O. To H.M. P.-O. Scurveror, Chubbington, Sept. 4. Srr,—I beg to acknowledge receipt of your favour of 3rd inst. I purpose devoting a portion of my shop (Stationer’s) to the postal business. It is not in the centre of the town, but is Cy epee to the purpose. The place is nearly a mile long; so if a wall letter-box could be placed at the end of the town, no objection be made to the position of the proposed office. I am forty-six years of age, and have been in my present position twenty- three years; am proprietor of the Chubbington Weekly News. My ble standing in the town—being owner of my own and three adjoining houses— together with the fact of my having been nominated by a Member of Parliament, would, I should have thought, dispensed with the necessity of my procuring sureties; but if it is indispensable, I elect the ‘‘ Guarantee Association” as my bondsmen—(I see 30s, a year for £200)—not caring to ask my friends to become surety for me, It would be derogatory to my dignity. My full name is Jacos Surrr,. HM. P.-O., St. Martin’ s-le-Grand, Sept. 20 Sre,—I am surprised to hear you are a newspaper eye. It is impossible you can hold the important position of Postmaster without severing your connection with the Chubbington Weekly News, which I presume you are prepared now to give up. 204 ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 1, 1879, As the erection of a wall-box will involve additional expense, you must, if possible, remove your business to a more central position. You will be enough to forward, at your earliest convenience, a plan of the town (or village) showing, in red ink, the position of the pro- posed office, that I may judge of its suitability. I enclose an official declaration (which you must sign in the presence of a Magistrate) and forms relating to Surveyor H.M., P.-O. To H.M. P.-O. Scrveyor, Chubbington, Sept. 22. Sre,—I enclose plan (for which I paid oy and have marked the position of the office in red ink, also the position of the proposed letter-box. I have endeavoured to procure a more central _—. but have failed. I cam assure you no inconvenience whatever will be felt if my suggestions be carried out. Before an g further is done—(I have signed the declaration) —T should be glad to know the salary and duties of the office. Jacos Smirr. HM. P.-0O., St. Martin’ s-le-Grand, October 4. Srr,—Before the Department can sanction the erection of a wall-box where you suggest, it will be necessary for you to notify your acceptance of the office, w I should be glad to receive at once. You will be good enough to wait upon the owners of the property where the wall-box is to be erected, to obtain their ) penis f have prepared by different masons or builders three or four estimates of cost of erection, and submit to me for approval; also, forward plan of inside of your premises, showing, in red ink, what por- tion you propose to use as the Post-Office, and position of letter-box. The latter must be two feet deep, one foot wide, and one foot across. It must be strong] made, and provided with a patent lock, the key of which must always be in your own possession. As the wall-box is nearly a mile from the office, you will be allowed sixpence per week for collection. For the delivery you will receive 1s. 6d. per week, and as Postmaster you will receive in addition the sum of four pounds per annum. I may add, the cost of erecting the wall-box should not onendl four or five shillings. Surveyor H.M. P.-O. . * - [Mr. Sacrrr’s last letter is all but illegible, and what we can make out is incoherent, not to say abusive. We regret to learn, from official sources, that Mr. Surrr did not accept the office. ] GREEN-MEAT CUM GRANO. At the Manchester Conference of the Vegetarian So- ciety, on the resolution of its President, Professor New- maw, ‘‘a resolution was pms that persons who desire to abstain from all meat of quadrupeds and birds, though they decline to bind themselves wholly to abstain from fish and marine animals, shall be received by the Society into an intermediate grade, concerning which the Exe- cutive may draw up the necessary re tions.” The Society can thus no longer boast of including in its menu “‘ neither fish, flesh, nor -herring,” and ought, it would seem, to change its name from Vegeta- rian to Pisci-Vegetarian, or Fishy-Vegetarian. An exclusive vegetable diet, as it stood, has always been regarded by meat-eaters as a “fishy” kind of nutri- ment; but perhaps with fish su ded, it may have temptations that sans fish, crabs, oysters, lobsters, shrimps, and prawns, it never would have held ont. Still, one cannot but tremble for the leguminous future of the Society. After fish, is it not to be feared that flesh may not be so far off ? What, if “‘ fish” come to be con- strued, as in the Friday dietary of Rome, to include wild fowl, seals, porpeses, and other cetaceans? One sees a danger in this direction, which may draw on others; till at last the more exclusive followers of Nenucwap- wezzak may have to exclaim, with Mercutio, but not so merrily, **Oh flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified!!” Qvestiox.—A Co dent wants to know whether letters unduly delayed in their transit through the Post- Office entail any charge for over-wait. £@ To Coaessrowpants.— The Bditor dogs not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or for Contributions, In ne ease can these be returned unless accompanied by 6 whould be

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 205 im WW mw si : ‘ ‘ ‘i | ait) i] \ \ an ia \ } yf i i hi i il “VOLUMES!” Amateur Composer, ** Higarnp my New Sona!” Candid Friend (with a pereaptible shudder). ‘Ou Lon! 1 Hors TT hy! SiN eH ue FOES FOR PHYLLOXERA. Awake, © Bacchus! Lo, proclaimed | Foe to the growth that girds thy shrine, The Phy fitly named Vastatriz, ravage of the Vine! Arise, thou King of Grapes, and smite That vermin viler than a flea ; Stamp out that shameful parasite, The spoiler of thy sacred Tree ! Sad Vineyardmen to Science cry Against the ing pest in vain; As yet no chem they Suffice that insect-foe to But what, good le, if there were Another and a way If made little birds your care— Birds that on animaleules prey ? The Garden Warblers, Great and Small, The Larger Whitethroat, and the Less, Willow-Wren, Wood-Wren, Blackcap, all Those Birds that grateful Gardeners bless, Their quarry Phylloréra’s race, The uiphis chichly they pursue, Aad ferret out of every place he ean lurk, or creep into. ’Monget stems and shoots whose juice he pills, They hunt him up amid the tava ; ’ And pick him with their little bills Out of the chinks wherein he cleaves. Trust Punch, ye do yourselves sore wrong When those best friends you blindly slay, Devouring e’en small birds of song ’Neath the large name of gidier. Your Vines they will secure from hurt Of insect plagues, to bloom again ; Their timely beaks may doom avert From Claret, Burgundy, Champagne! ui) ii i ih Catr-Love.—To Mothers! Vaccinate from the Calf direct, if you have any regard for your Infants’ weal ! sot!” ——== WAR-CORRESPONDENT’S CATECHISM. (Afghanistan Version.) ““Q. What is a Special Co dent ? A, A submissive scribbler attached (at his own risk and expense) to the head-quarters of an Army in the field, for the purpose of daging the praises and glory of the General Commanding-in-Chief, or his divisional or brigade manders as case may Q. What must you bear in mind when you accept this situation ? A. That my presence is y tolerated, and that on the slightest show of independence, much more insubordination, | am liable to be tried by Court-Martial, certainly sent to the right-about, and, for all I know, shot. . What do you understand by the term “ insubordination” ? is is a question I must respectfully leave to be answered for me by the G. C.-in-C. . Is it understood that you are to obey his orders ? . Unquestioningly, absolutely, and abjectly. Do you owe any duty to the Public ? my duty to the G, C.-in-C. A. None that is not over-ridden Q. What do you consider your ion to the proprietors ef the -in-C., journal you represent ? A. That I am their servant, but always oabtost to the G. C. to whom they, as well as myself, should feel deeply grateful for his kind consideration in permitting me to follow the Army to the field, Q. What do you understand by a * defeat” ? A. It is a word which I should only think of applying to the enemy. If the enemy loses one man killed and two wounded, this is a signal defeat. - What do you understand by a victory ? A. That it is a word to be strictly confined in its application to the exploits of the G. C.-in-C. If Army in the field a small undefended fort, and captures a couple of eamp-followers, this may be a very great victory. If the G. C.-in-C. says it is, I am bound so to report it. Q. Supposing the G. C.-in-C. to retire hurriedly, leaving his ho OrO camp, stores, and ammunition behind him. How would you describe the maneuvre ? A. I should describe it (subject, of course, to the approval of the G. C.-in-C.) as a strategic movement of masterly skill and profound combination. Q. Supposing that the G. C.-in-C. managed to lose all his men in an ambuscade, How would you describe the circumstance ? A. | should describe it (subject to the approval of the G. C.-in-C.) as one of the thousand-and-one little ups and downs of a campaign. as Ge same time I would dwell on the gallantry of the troops, and firmness and foresight of their illustrious commander. Q. Supposing that the G.C.-in-C. were not present at the incident. Ta what light would you represent his absence ? A. 1 would venture to express (subject to the approval of the G. C.-in-C.) my humble and respectful admiration at the profound mili insight shown by him in staying away. Q. You have no objection to take a wigging, blowing-up, bully- ragging, tongue-basting, or any other helping of humble pie, at the hands of any combatant officer, from a sub-lieutenant upwards ? A. On the contrary, I should feel honoured by any such evidence of their — of my presence with the Army. Q, How do you understand the relations of the sword and the — That the one may be used to cut the other; but that they can have no other or nearer relationship than is implied in their being both made of steel, as china and stone-ware are both made of clay. Q. You understand the conditions under which you are to write ? A, inly. Before taking up my pen I am to have my eyes Nandeged, like other licensed intruders on the camp from the side of enemy. Q. Supposing this precaution ever dispensed with, on the ground of your recognised subordination, general harmlessness, positiv : insignificance, and comparative good behaviour, what article would you be prepared to substitute for your bandage ? A. A pair of rose-coloured spectacles ! You may go down.” And he went down. VOL, LXXVII,

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Novemser 8, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. =

4 at great expense for the occasion. NER!

rr our—Por | GANNOT BLAY 28 B14 NO APTER TIN during the evening, and the new Broadwood Grand has been procured

IT PUDDING rop én dr

as ia — - - z £ < = = - - 8 S E * ° - - & - E < el XIIITH BOOK OF EUCLID.—PROPOSITION 1. THEOREM. If two Players on two sides of a Parallelogram are equal to each other, each to each, and have likewise the hearts contained by those two i to each other, and shall likewise have all advantages equal, and their faults shall coincide, then shall they be equal each to each, viz., a love-match, which may or may not be absurd. Let A anp B BE TWO PLAYERS ON THE PARALLELOGRAM CD, EF, &o., &o., ko. * * © © © @ JANTLE IN MY MOUSE VIZOL ). very select friends to DaLLow-( friendly way” nningly invited just one or two

MR. PUNCH’S SPEECH FOR THE LATE LORD | jiving a? pease aa Tnely impress upon him the advisability MAYOR. believe me when I assure him that it is a great mistake te with d . (Loud cheers.) He must never es of the Officers of the Municipality at the Lord| portunities of the proud position he now fi Mayor's uet are usually of a very perfunctory character. This| purposes. ( c ing.) He will find is greatly to be regretted, as the nineteenth century is essentially | one if he ever forgets the dignity of the Lord an age in which things ought to find their level, which should never | of the petty peevishness of a rightly or wrongl bea perfunctory one. Feeling that the time has arrived fora new| indivi . (Enthusiastic a 3 | M departure, Mr. Punch offers a specimen of the sort of oration that | begun well. For instanve, I find that on thi might be made with advantage on Monday next. Mr. Punch has| of the municipality have their interpolated the “‘interpellations”—(as Cheers! Hears! Laughter!”|(Cheers.) It is within my cnt may be eotictanted as a matter of course. not been always the case. oast—** Late Lory Mayor!” tunity of restoring the tion, which this toast is sure to provoke, had pie 4, EP and said— that m y Lorps, Lapres, anD GENTLEMEN, sienes brated “The sounds that have just reached my ears have given me the| revisit our city, he will have the greatest possible satisfaction. It is one compensation for the labours | them, not at a lunch Limited—(a bilities of such an office as I am retiring from that a| ments of the Mansion House, followed focerts of the hands of hi itizens. 7 of the theateeliterecy and serionse. i Tb Ww the H. has cu L lie, and spend the evening “ quite in a Darie-Scounoons, anp I GAN SCHDICK A LIGHTER Herr Bogoluboffeki' s coming, Mra &e, After the “On po, HERR BDOGOLUBOFFSKI! FRAT DO! Chorus of Ladies. has been asked to dine on fami On MY ARnuM, | GAN SCHVALLOW ZE On the strength « ogoluboffaki (who N.B. ified in his demsanour as . . or i ir Mndice: Gober re teams Herr Bc ze Boxea

Broapwoop?”"

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Bar. (Loud applause.) I hope I may point out that such conduct is not dignified—I! think I may go so far as to say it is not gentleman- like. (Thunders of applause.) ** And now | must bring my remarks to a conclusion. (‘‘ No, No /”’) I must, indeed. (‘‘ No, No, No!) In faturel intend to devote the whole of my time to the popete of the morals of the City of Lon- i don in general, and the sing ion in particular. This, the great work of my Laer a 5 pom I shall henceforth prosecute in a purely private capacity.” (L and long continued applause.) The late Lord Mayor then resumed his seat amidst every demon- stration of enthusiasm.

SAYS MYSELF TO MYSELF. HE Night ofa abot. “med ter— War have I . had to wade umns of partizan

lieve, with SaLispury, that the security of the country will be jeopardised if the present Go- vernment don’t ~ = Pr m prepared, with Mr. Barenr, to tear my hair and emigrate, un-

less they go out ? Have f° quite made upmy mind that Russia is only biding her time to walk all of a sudden into the » Isle of Wight ? Has Mr. CuampeRtarn persuaded me that the Czar hates the sight of his own epaulettes, and never lets one of his birthdays pass without proposing an European disarmament ? Has the Arrorney-GeNeKat quite convinced me that the new ALexanper the Great wears long black curls, and is tually , creeping about Europe in a cl and mask, with pistols, seeking whom he may bid ‘‘ Stand and deliver?” } Has the Pall Mail left me entirely convinced that the Russian Bear is the Beast of the Apocalypse? And do I, in my heart, believe him the Kaging and Rearing Lien he is painted, at once so diabo- lically wicked, so densely obtuse, Les prog mes oe , 80 Iniser- ably weak, so idictically silly, 80 Mephistophelically Machia- } vallien en @he P. M. and the M.P. represent him Am | really obliged to Sir StarrorD for putting off the payment of my Bills till a more convenient season ? Did | quite like forking out Six Millions in a lump for fireworks ? Have | any intention of supply at the same { figure this 5th of November ? Am | dying to see the Treaty of Berlin torn up into spills? : On the other hand, should | break my heart if it were ? Is Go Sate Treaty such a brilliant success as Lord SaLispury tells me on" quite the miserable failure Sir W. V. Hancovnr makes it Do I quite see my way on either Party’s lines ? Pn fA, now I think of it, do I quite know what either Party's are Am I so satisfied with Lord B. as Treasury tenant, that I to renew his lease of the premises unconditionally for haba = ment ” Are those precions “ Peace with Honour” and “ A Scien- tific Frontier,” worth what I’ve paid for them ? Could I be much worse off—suppose I concluded for the negative ?

SORS TENNYSONIANA AT THE REFRESHMENT-ROOM, YORK. (For the Southward-bound by “ Flying Scotehman.’’) “0 Swallow, Swallow quickly, flying South !”

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[November 8, 1879.

AN EDUCATIONAL GRIEVANCE. Dear Poncn, Saran-Jawe, my eldest, was worth 12s. to the School- Board of Linkumdoddy, last examination by H.M.I. She passed in three specifics—can prove that astronomy’s correct, that there are five periods in the English language, that flowers have polysyl- labic functions and botanical names. That girl is worth 4s. 6d. more to the Linkumdoddy School-Board than your dog Jvby to the Imperial Treasury. om passed in Standard VI. and two specials, clearing an ugly interminate decimal, and winning 20s. The twins struggled throu, Standard IV. and two specifics, 40s. Bos made 12s. in Standard II, And the Infant 8s. by attendances. That is a magnificent result-plant worth £4 12s. 0d. nourished by ae my he brains, and plucked and eaten by the School-Board. 1 t is the School-Board's gratitude to poor Pater—a farmer, with much-soaked crops, and many worn es and dog’s- eared books to renew,—for this magnificent contribution to the cause of education? Why, its school-fees are as high as ever, and it saddles me with an education-rate equal to what my children earn for it. Should not the money by my offspring cancel this new tax? What’s the use of my having children with bright parts, I should like to know? They might as well be dull, and then their lawful owners would not lose so much oan | by them. Canny CALEDONIAN.

MORE “TURNING HIS FLANK.” (Vide Punch, Oct. 25, 1879.) Mr. Ponca has filled two waste-paper baskets with complaints, on the score of age, of his illustration of an exeellent old aus showing how a Lawyer served a Butcher. Old? Of course itis old. But is its warning the less wanted? Butif age is an objection to a good story any more than to good wine, here is a sequel of this old story. | nope has the merit of novelty while just as true as the original oe :— The Butcher handed over to the Lawyer his twopenny balance, and informed against him for keeping a dog without a licence. The Lawyer was convicted, and fined ten shillings with costs. _ The Lawyer again fixed his right eye on the Butcher, and with his left eye discovered a doubtful-looking one-pound weight lying on his Sr. , The Buteher handed over to the Lawyer one pound sterling, “‘ to a nothing more about it.”’ he Lawyer cried ‘‘ Quits!” , ow Butcher put his shutters up, and the little dog wagged his

HAPPY YOUNG PEOPLE! “< Monday, October 27, 1879. ** Their Royal Highnesses the Prince and Princess of WaLzs, accompanied by Princess Louisa, Princess Victoria, Princess Maups, the Grand Duke and Heredi Grand Duke of Hzssa, together with Prince Faapuvanp of Glucksburg, Prince Louis of Battenburg, and suites, honoured Madame Tvussavp's Exhibition with a visit this evening.” An, Royal lads, and lasses too, of wax, No royalties of worse than wax to bore you— Nought heavier than young years on your backs, And Baker Street’s gay gaslight world before you ! M g fraters, golden-haired sorors. ) 7h gore you take all Tussaup shows true— All, save the Blue-Beard chamber, hight ‘‘ of Horrors.” Leng, long may that remain locked fast for you!

Fallibility a Banco, Infallibility ex Cathedra. an weet page rele Got coon re meet | ee at ; but y y may d Sovewr of his j ent, that “ are not neat.” , Catholics may eat eggs on Fridays, though are forbidden by their Church, whose is infallible, to eat meat. Therefore, cannot be meat. Then do not be too hard on Mr. Bravos. of the conflict of authorities! Punch on one side, the Por on the other! Yours, sincerely,

* P.S.—I am glad to see that Mr. Broce has since ruled that though eggs are not A mj they are provisions. Thus fallibility and infalli-

bility are brought nearer, at least, to reconciliation.

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Noveaser 8, 1879. } PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 213 =o t+ ber . THE SIMLA SENSITIVE PLANT WHIch SHUTS ITSELF UP FROM THE Tovom or THE Press. HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. (Being a Dickens of a Dickensionary for the use of Visitors to the Metropolis.) RAILWAYS | (Mpeneren spas). ~low, a hapdetes can teased all ome, or rather ocd under, the . cessive sharpness must not expected from the officials as, like lected knives, they are always under-ground. Visitors to London should be careful on getting a Metropolitan Railway Guide, to “‘ read between the lines,” or they ll get awfully mixed up. At the same time they must be warned against reading between the lines when two trains are coming; in fact, if they’re reading at all, they'd better remain on the platform. Of course this is a mere matter of Bill in Parliament of a * tender.” Railway Commissioners sit term time and direct all fof commissions in Guards. Any one taker, the only qualification being to the sum of money to a work, ne is got over rapidly, and pyareny are in it and to go to the the correct time. ~ There politan Railway nuseum to which collectors are invited to contribute. R GH CLUB.—Sometimes hh, sometimes Ray- lei ‘or example, in the latter @, if you ate pointing out the building to a friend, and observe, ‘* That’s the Rayleigh,” you must look for the reply, ‘ Is it raylly’” lf upen as yo no member expect his p to be thoroughly done, as it would be contrary to the traditions of the Clab. Some pronounce it ‘* Rally,” under the impression that it was founded by Sir Watrer Ratty, the great pantomimist of Queen Evizaseta’s Court. He used to about with a bit of a coe e @ square piece of carpet, whic he woul put down in the,street, and then go through a perform- ance, accompanying himself on his pipe. He was of a placid and contented disposition, and history records that he only once showed any annoyance, and that was when his servant, thinking his master was on emp’ a bucket of water 447. and Sir WALTER urried luncheon on Reading bis- cuits, Worth a visit. Every one brings his ewn tin, and pays for RECORD OFFICE.—All in- Sexes found at the fageage- Officer (for Scottish lives) the Thane of Cawder. A Special Recorder for the City of London duty the Lord Mayor’s boxes—the Mayor's boxes are called, of course, Horse-boxes—are properly closed for aT REFORM CLUB. —Originally started by Mazar the time of Henny Tue KieutTH.

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~~. | | | | | 214 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Novemser 8, 1879. AWFUL RESULT OF IMMODERATE TEMPERANCE! EpWIN AND EMMA FEEL UNCOMMONLY WELL; BUT THEY WANT | TO FEEL BETTER STILL—8O THEY RESOLVE, ONCE FOR ALL, TO GIVE UP THE USE oF STIMULANTS ALTOGETHER. Now Torat ABSTINENCE ACTS UPON DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN DIFFERENT ways. Benotp Epwix AND EMMA A TWELVEMONTH AFTER THEIR VIRTUOUS RESOLUTION ! Only Reformers’ names are on the books. Celebrated for chops and steaks. REGENT CIRCUS.—One of the most amusing entertainments in London. Open free to everybody. Change of Fp pee ever quarter of an hour. The trained steeds are well worth seeing, an the business between Clowns, Swells, and Policemen, exeellent. REGENT’S PARK.—Only different from Hyde Park in having no Powder Magazine. Its broad walks and side alleys are great places for rendezvous. Here nursery-maids abound, and leaving the peram- bulators listen to their lovers’ vows. This isa reason for keep- ing no Powder Magazine, as in Hyde Park. ere being s0 many oung sparks about besides the Great Regent Spark i » it would highly dangerous. REG (NT STREET.—Where Georce tHe Fovrru, when Prince Regeat, used to walk on Sundays. ‘‘ This,” he one day said to Beau Brummet, “is the Regent’s treat.”” It was called after him, but he took no notice of it. It is now spelt differently, and the joke lost. ‘ REGISTRARS.—Any two persons can go and be married before a Registrar, unless the Registrar is married before them. RESTAURANTS.—First started in the time of the Restauration. They are everywhere, and you can drive about in a cab and dine @lacarte. Verrey’s is about the oldest Restaurant in London— at least Verrey old. Some pronounce it “* Vary’s.” This is wrong for it is almost always good, and seldom varies. It was so celebrated at one time, and may be now, for its f tas of coffee, that the motto proposed to be adopted was ‘‘ Magna est Verrey tas!” A little lower down in Regent Street is the Café ae. pronounced * Kaffy Royaril.” The idea is French, of course. ing to the old nursery jingle, ‘‘ chief” in the second line is evidently chef :-— Karry was a Frenchman, Karry was a chief, Karry keeps a kaffy-house, And don’t take any beef. This of course was the old John-Bullish notion of the ‘‘ Mossoo” in epee long gone by. Then there is Kerrwer’s, in Church ho, a little beyond Dean Street, where you may a good deaner. There is the Holborn Restaurant, an excellent band of music performs appropriate airs. Here the sound of the flutes ushers in an entrée of flageolets, sparkling dance music accom- panies the caper sauce, Morceaux from a give a zest to the tripe, two glasses of pale ale are announ by a melody arranged for the Double Bass, and a second demand for porter is at once 8 ted by a strain from Mryerseer, which comes from a tap on the Conductor’s desk. To express descent of a Waiter into the caves below to fetch some “* fine old crusted,” one of the orchestra goes as low as he can on his violin-cellar. The Waiters keep- ing time to the music, in double sets of five, dance a-ten-dance, and the entire suite, when handing the sweets, are always puddin’ their best foot foremost. On the appearance of the liqueur, a ‘‘ go,” that goes with the coffee, the Band play a hunting air, to indicate the chasse ; and with the cigars comes something of an Off-an-baccy character. The Horse-Shoe is another large establishment where customer ys on the nail; but here the spécialité is a first-rate American . showing the connection between Horse-Shoe and ‘‘ Shoddy!” Messrs. Bertnam and Roperts—so clearly the operatic Bertram and Roberto—de the restauration for the Aquarium, and the Italian Romano’s—or “ Roman Nose,” if we want to direct the cabmen who will call the Vaudeville the end veal in the Strand, will repay the consommateur. There’sa Restaurant at St. James’s Hall, and, as the Christy Minstrels are under the same roof, you may expect to see lots of Dinahs at feeding time, and can always be sure of grilled Bones. ROUS CLUB.—Motto, ‘* Our ’Ouse at home.” Called after the celebrated Admiral, not the Bravo. ROWING.—Depends on its pronunciation for its treatment. Row- ing in the street should be immediately by a Policeman. Rowing on the water has nothing pugnacious about it, except where the Rower comes across a brawling stream. ; ROYAL EXCHANGE.—We don’t wantone. Quite satisfied with our present Royalty. : ROYALTY THEATRE—(Vide ‘ Miss’ Ketry’s” Post - Office Dir .—It is now the home of The Brucz.) . a — LL CLUB.—Chiefly for Ladies. Name misspelt, Vide USTLE.

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Novemser 8, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —~ . IDENTIAL SOL e ‘ LIFE oF i E w FARM t SO ACRES | ARADELIANY | wb aM | SEAT rtd} } i =! WU | Ll a Me eS : eu iy | A TASTE OF THE TIMES. Mr. Molony, Irish Farmer (to Mr. Flynn, the Agent). ‘‘ Sune, 1’Vz come To ask YER Honner 10 sAY A Word TO THE MasTnen FOR ME, FOR THE Buack BoREEN HOULDING.”’ Agent. ** No, Motony, THE Mastaer won’r TAKE A TENANT WITHOUT CaPiTAL,”’ ifr. Molony, ** AND 18 17 CAptTaL? Sure, I’ve Taree Hunprup Pounps iw THe BANK THIs Minit!” Agent. ‘* On, I THOUGHT I saw your Name TO THAT Petition you A Repucrion or RENT#, AS YOU WERE ALL STARVING!” Mr. Molony. ‘‘Targ an’ Acexs! Mr. Fiyny, DARLIN’ ! COULD JUST GIVE ME A HOULT AV IT, THAT I MAY STHRIKE MY NAuwE out!” VISITATION QUESTIONS. (For Archdeacons and others.) 1, Are you pulling down your church, or are you building it up? 2. Are your Services monotonous or musical ? : 3. Do you turn your back upon your congregation, congregation turn its back upon 1 ou? 4. Have you altered your tables, or do you still keep the Com- mandments ? | | 5. Do you make use in your Services of all your senses, especially | common sense ? 6. To what Price do you go for your Candles—if any ? 7. How many h i you cap them ? 3 | from 1867 to 1869 the Tories added to it £708,400. From 18 ve you in your sermons, and with what do | Liberals again | ment has, with equa Is THF PETITION GONE TO THE MASTHER YET! Conservative Finance fired financial misdeeds of the present Government, that we wonder not to or does your . Iy your Honner ADMINISTRATIVE FINANCING, Mr. 8.D.Wappry, M.P.,Q.C., has written a pamphleton Liberal and : by such rightful wrath against the his name printed on the title-page either L. 8. D. (instead of simple D.), or Ins Wappy. Perhaps he leaves out the ‘‘L,” on the | financial principle so cruelly violated by our present Ministers,‘‘ Take | care of the pence, and the unds will take care of themselves.” Here are some of Mn. Wappy’s only too plain figures :— “ From 1861 to 1866 the Liberals reduced the funded debt by £8,040,600 ; 70 to 1874 the resent Govern- dity, added to it reduced it b steadiness, £4,416,500; and the ut with frightful rapi 8, Do you raise your alms in your Offertories ? £21,390,500 in the five years, or £4,827,100 per annum.” 9. What average of penny pieces do you have? _ | This is only a specimen-note, out of too many to the same tune. 10. How many people pass the plate without giving anything * Unfortunately, for the extravagances of the Administration, it 11, Where do your people go on pedal collection days ? is caaphatically not a case of “A great reduction on taking a 12. Are your Hymns Ancient or Modern ? | quantity.” 13 14 15 16 17 18 - Do you rule your petticoats, or do they rule you ? . Do you teach your Curate, or vice versd ? . Do the pretty girls Fo to him, or to you, for religious teaching? | . How often do the plain girls require instruction ? . Are all allowed to start fair for the Curate? . On what principle do you regulate your matrimonial handicaps? | (Alter et Idem.) Do you believe in BEaconsrieLp ? THE QUESTION FOR THE NEXT ELECTION. | Do you believe in Bogey ? | | Apropos of Some Recent Proceedings. ‘*Wuat carriage best, on random course In logic’s teeth the mind to bear ’” Once ’twas ‘‘ the cart before the horse,” Now ’tis ‘the carte before the Mayor!” PROOF POSITIVE. Ir is but too evident that Russia is advancing towards India. | Isn’t she always taking Steppes in that direction ?

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_ i " ~ ~ . PUNCH, SS hs wh) ~ SS S S *) . * iy ¥ A AL - i . , >, oe FROM THE GENERAL TO THE PARTICULAR. The New Governess. “‘Now 1 svprosE rou Tommy. “‘1 SHOULD THINK 80, INDEED ! OR THE {LONDON CHARIVARL. WAN ft \\\ : . AY KNOW THAT THERE ARE THREE | TIMES As MUCH Water As LAND UPON THE SURFACE OF THE EarTH? ” Look AT THE PUDDLES! [Novemper 8, 1879 NEW TOPICAL SONG, (By a Friendly Zulu.) I’ve been photographed like this— (Shows an awfully naked truth) Save a cow-tail apron bare— And feel how I must have shocked A virtuous Lord Mayor! So, henceforth, if I’m photographed ill be photographed like that” (Shows @ modestly-veiled impropriety) In square-cut Quaker dit And a broad-brimmed a hat ! When thus chastely, warmly covered From indecency and cold, lf Mr. Putiporrs sells me, hope he won't be sold, And charged with an indecent Exposure in the streets, And sentenced to do penance In damp Collodion sheets. Henceforth, in kraal and cottage, May Alderman and Zulu, From CetewaYo unto NorracE, Be_men and brothers too! Till, in positives and negatives, To the same task they set ’em, Of honouring the memory Of great Ex-Lord Mayor Wuetuam! An Excellent Example. Major-General Newp1¢arTe has declined an invitation to a banquet which it was proposed to give to him at West Hal- lam, where General Newpicgate has gone on a visit to his brother, Lieutenant-Colonel Newpicats. The General states in his letter that he is very grateful for the proposed honour, but as a soldier he had simply done his duty—or rather, endea- vowured to do it to the best of his ability—and this consciousness is in itself the soldier's reward.” Hap General Newnieate received this invitation and sent this excellent answer a fortnight earlier, Punch would have been proud to dedicate to him his m, “* Don’t Overdo It!” Failing that, he can only award the General the Newdigate Prize among his South- | African brother officers. ,” A REALLY HARD CASE. My verry pear Mr. Ponca, Foretve me for writing to you, but I a/ways act on impulse. I am in such trouble, and really don’t know what todo. During the last three months I have been photographed by one of those dreadful publishing photographers in ten different attitudes and costumes. And now my son who is at the Bar (I was married rery young) tells me that there is nothing to prevent my carte being displayed in any sho window! It would be simply terrible! It is quite true that I too great trouble with my attitudes, and some of my dresses were rer coming indeed! Sut think, if I really appeared side by side wit those poor dear persecuted ‘‘ beauties ! ’ ih, I cannot bear to think of it for a moment / And now what am I'todo? The worstof it is, I did not buy the nega- tive, and I don’t think I told the tor not to publish me. I have an impression that I may have written to ask him whether my portrait would be of any usetohim. You see I thought it might have brought him in some money, and I am charitable to a fault! But oh dear, what shall do? Of course I can’t tell him now not to — me, as it might Aurt his feelings. And as to talking about uying negatives and aii that, a lady really can’t do it—now can she ? I am dreadfully worried! My son offered to see the photographer for me, but I could not it it. You see he is so rough in his manner, and besides he looks so old for so young a mother! Oh dear Mr. Punch, what shalll do! You will see I enclose a carte, but never mind! Pray don’t give it to one of your clever artists to use: I should be quite angry if you did, for so many of my friends would be sure to get the r with mein it! It would double your circulation—it would indeea! Now good bye, Your sorrowful little friend, LavURA BRASsBLUSHINGTON. P.S.—I would have written you a longer letter, but I have pro- mused to give my dreadful photographer another sitting in ten more | I must at once ! daren’t dresses | burt his ’ | dear fellow! But isn’t it awful! Seclings, poor In fact | | A PECULIARLY PAINFUL PROSPECT. Ponca grieves to hear from Rheims, the head-quarters of the Champagne district, that the gathering of the grapes has begun in nearly all the well-known cris, with what may indeed be called a cru-el result—total failure alike of quantity and quality. At Ay the grower's cry is ‘‘ Ay-de-mi!” At Bouzy there is not likely to be pressed so much as to make boozy a butterfly; while at Verzenay the constantly-heard question, “‘ Vere’s any?” only elicits the answer, ‘‘ No-veres.” Now, Punch likes his Pommery trés see. But to have the fountain, not only of Pommery, but ali Pommery’s little brother and sister eriis, a sec, is a dryer prospect than he bargains for. And to think so little “‘ dry” ikoatd onme of so much wet! To see the h of the year’s sparkling vintage go off in “ fizz’’—not a drop able wine left behind—will one of the dreariest legacies of this dreary year! And not only has it Renee “old gooseberry” with the Cham- pagne vintage, but it is likely, we fear, to play “‘ new . with it also. Unless, indeed—happy thought !—it be that the goose- berry crop of 1879 has been as complete a failure as the Lr But, on a second less happy thought, what then’ We shall have to fall back on some worse substitute—say out of the goose- berry-bush into the beet-root bed, or perhaps on to the tater-patch ! from fruits—such as they used to be in better times,—to roote—such ma we hear they are this sorry year—tvo bad, even for Hamburg Sherry ! ‘*GET DONE BY STEALTH, AND BLUSH TO FIND IT FaAME!”? “* Camera obscura” as aoplies to the photographer’s chamber is : ‘ . ‘ : m— % evidently a misnomer. Considering what comes of being photo’ed, it ought to be christened “ Camera famosa !” Tae Wuore Dery or Intsumew ayy Tewants.—To pay their shot. 6 To Comansrowpants.— The Eilitor does not hold hi:nself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contriutions. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. Copies should be kept.

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NovemBer 15, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 217 — Sy SS GENIUS AND ITS HOBBIES. Lupwic BEMOLSKI, THE GREAT COMPOSER, FONDLY IMAGINES HE CAN DRAW IN WATER-COLOURS, WHILE HIS OLD FRIEND, WiLKkiz TuRNER Brows, THE FAMOUS LANDSCAPB-PAINTER, I8 UNDER THE DELUSION THAT HE CAN WRITE SONGS (AND SING THEM); 80 THAT WHENEVER THEY MEET TO SPEND A PLEASANT EVENING, BEMOLSKI INSISTS ON INFLICTING HIS FEARFUL DAUBS ON Brown, WHO PERSISTS IN REGALING BEMOLSKI WITH THE MUST GHASTLY SETTINGS OF OUR BEST POETS TO MUSIC. Brown. “‘ BREAK, BREAK, BREAK,” &c., &c. Bemolski. “* Ayozer Tutcn Vuwt-miii !” "ARRY IN PARRY, Cuer CHARLIE, J’¥ swee ay j’y reste—for a fortnit or so. Ain’t it prime ? I landed on Raine Dor, yer know, and I’ve ’ad sech a proper old time. And as ’twas the French ’Oss as plumbed me and give me my chance of a hout, I thought I’d trot over to Parry, and see wot the frogs was about. Oh, a pocketful do perk one up like. I laid in a sweet suit o’ stripes, And went in a regular crusher for neckties, light kids, and silk wipes. If you’d twigged me, dear boy, on the start you’d ’a said I was mixing it strong, But didn’t it jest fetch ces dames as I druy in the Bwor der Boolong ? Stunning place, though the trees is too spindly, like all Parry trees, my dear y Not Greenwich Park form by a lot ; but the City’s a thing to enjoy. I’ve piste up a heap of the patter, and feels myself pooty ofay, For, in course, to be out of the chat floors a feller in doing the gay. Not so rorty as London, my pippin, and tant swor poo frothy and thin ; I ’ope you are fly to the Lingo ; so I tip you the Parleyvoo in. Comes nateral now, don’t yer know, though more orkerd to write than to speak. But my haccent’s considered the cheese, and my style o’ pronouncin’ it chic. Not so rorty as London, I said, and I sticks to it. Somehow, yer know, One feels jest a little mite out of it. Lots of ler gai and ler bo. But jolly ? Well, no, not percisely ; the larks, like the liquors, run light, And a spree d lar Frongsay, though gassy, don’t fill up my pewter—not quite. There ain’t enough body about it, no row-de-dow rollick and ramp. The French don’t seem up to perdoocin us cards of the jolly-dog-stamp. They sits at the caffys and chatters, and tipples up tots weak as tea, But a pot o’ four-’arf and a frolic is things as you don’t often see. Fine streets, and no error, though, Cmaartiz. Them bullyvards bangs us to bits. : You might play cricket well in their squares, slog for sixes, and run out your ’its. That Place deller Concorde, for instance,—I’m blowed if one doesn’t feel lost ke é And pine for a pub. in Cheapside, stout-and-mild and a cut off the roast. There ’s a deal too much finnick and fuss, byang Mossoo- ing, and that sort o’ thing. ; You don’t want your gassong—that’s waiter—to speak like a haffable king ; Puts yer out, don’t yer know. Now, our sounds proper, respeckful, and pat, But a Frenchman’s all bows and bong jours, and he lives with ’is ’and to ’is ’at. A smart Concierge in a cap, with a heye full ef mischief and fun, , Seems pooty good goods for a rally, but, bless yer, it ain’t to be done, ' I put on the rattle to rights in the style that’s so taking shay noo, But they ain’t got the ’ang of it, Cuartre,—it doesn’t come off, not a few. Of course you carn’t cummy fo in a language you haven't quite n : ; But my style ought to do it, dear boy—it’s the very fust time as it’s failed. It’s the fault of young Frenchmen, | fancy—they carn’t come true ype, | ; And yer see, when eller ain’t wide, why, what can you expect from the gal ? Howsomever, I picked up a chum, as was out on the lonely like me, — ; And I think we astonished the natives, and showed ’em our pattern 0’ spree. ’Ow they stared at our capers, dear boy! ’ow we laughed at their ‘‘ Commongs?” and shrugs ! No. Parry’s 0.K., and no kid; but the Mossoos is most on ’em Mugs, ‘* Fust himpressions!” says you. Werry true, but I take a cou deel tidy quick. T though fe Sad | aw a parrydise ruled by the merry Old Nick ; It’s a City of (affys, clean streets, open spaces, and spick- » and-span ’ouses, And women without any bonnets, and workmen in dingy blue blouses : No pubs, but long bullyvards, Cuannie, atl Rustyrongs, tables, and trees ; With folks grubbin all over the place upon kickshaws and claret and cheese. But there ain’t no ’ome feeling about ’em, these brasserie cribs and wot not, And for comfort, and fun, and good tipple, yer true British bar bangs the lot. I miss it, my pippin, I miss it; the baccy, the barney, the ** vessir ” peer, The chumming, the chaff at the counter,—they do it so different ’ere. Still I’m going it nobby, dear boy, and you know there are capers in Parry That—well, mum’s the word. More anon. Toot a voo der bong wotsername, *ARRY, ‘To What Base Uses.”’ Waite Smirn and Jones were taking a walk down Fleet Street, as suggested by Dr. Jounson, they discoursed upon the new Criminal Code, ye re pe Act, the Re- form of the Lunacy Laws, and various other things that ‘are to be,” and, meantime, continue ‘‘ as they were.” SMirH was from the country. Quoth Surrn to Jones, as they arrived in Carey Street—‘* What is that large and majestic building I behold? A shop, I presume?” “It is a shop,” replied his companion ; “‘ or willbe, if it is ever finished.” ‘* To whom does it belong ?” ‘*To the leading firm of law-publishers.” ** And what will they sell there ?”’ ** Law-statiouary.” VOL. LXXVII.

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bet_ Rh ‘ ~ “A REAL” HARD-MOUTHED ’UN.” The famous White Terrier “ Bob,’ in his great Worrying Act at Grantham. “The Interests we have harassed before, I would harass still.”

they were in better repair than the clothes of these wretched, ragged OLD RIP FIFTY YEARS HENCE. little ones. As he passed they held out their thin hands and asked , oleae : " s fora penny. Unable to satisfy their demands, he passed on, won- (A Protectionist Peep into the Future, from the Chaplin and dering, and soon found himself in the High Street of his native Mele nif stand- point.) ; village. As he gazed at a row of tenantless , which, he Rir awoke, and, afing himself together, wearily descended the | remembered noisy with industrious inmates and pla: children, a mountain. He had cl his eyes in England—it was in England | disreputable looking, unkempt and unshorn with his beard that he now opened them, after fifty years’ slumber. eepy | and hair filled with sawdust, approached him, and asked him who Hollow, when he left it, had been a village devoted to agricultural | and what he was. Rrp blushed a little as he remembered the revels pursuits. As he came within sight of the spot, he expected to find | of his younger days, but he replied, the corn-fields or pastures he remembered. Much to his surprise the| ‘My name is Rie Van Wryx xe, and I suppose I was a British land, although unencumbered with bricks and mortar, was quite | Farmer, although I used to spend the greater part of my time in uncultivated. Thistles and brambles were growing in rank luxuri- | sport.” ance, and there was not a stalk of corn or a blade of grass to be seen| ‘I know. I’ve heard my grandfather say they all did that in the anywhere. : olden time,’ returned the new-comer, dolefully. ‘‘ Shooting and s he descended into the valley he met some children, but they | hunting, and fishing and playing on the piano-forte! Ah—they had

expressed no astonishment at seeing him. After half a century's expo- | fine lives of it in the old times! Not only the Farmer, but his sure to the weather, his garments were naturally dilapidated, but still | missis, and his daughters at the boarding-school, and his sons up at

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Novemper 15, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 219° the University ! But it’s all passed away—all passed away! ” ‘* Who and what are you?” asked Rrr. “A British Farmer of the Twentieth Century,’ re- turned the distressed agriculturist, sorrowfully. ‘Oh, you still have farmers ?” ‘Well, we keep up the name;" but we get all our corn from Canada and the United States.” “* And your meat ?” “From Australia, and North and South America together.” ‘ And your milk and butter ?” “Oh, from all over the place—except England. About fifty yearss[ago an enterprising foreigner discovered how to keep butter and milk sweet for any length of time. So we have had to give up our dairies.” ‘Ah! I think I remember something about that!” murmured Rrp. ‘‘ They were talking about it just before I fell asleep.” ‘Yes, everything has passed away from us—cattle, sheep, poultry, milk, cheese, butter, m crops, corn fruit, vegetables, everything | They all come from abroad nowadays!” ** And how do you pay for ’em?” asked Rr. ‘*Pay! Bless you,” said the farmer, ‘‘ we don’t pay. They give ’em us, Still, a man must have pocket- money and his little ‘ luxuries.’ ” “* Yes, certainly,” said Rip, consolingly. ‘‘ And what do you do for them ?” ‘“ Well, we have had to take up a trade that the Yankees have quite discarded. Since they have become the food-producers of the world they can afford to let us have a a **T see. So the work of the British Farmer of the Twentieth Century is to manufacture-——” The Agriculturist blushed deeply, and replied, ‘*____Ts to manufacture Wooden Nutmegs!” “‘Oh, 1 think I had better try to get another nap!” stammered out Rip, as he thoughtfully reascended his mountain, sighing, ‘‘ And that’s what Free Trade has brought us to! Oh, Shade of Cospen, if ghosts had only heads to punch ! ” That ’s How the Money Goes. (By a True Blue.) Nice Liberals! Cheeseparing kind ! Not so lib’ral as we Tories—J know; True, you may be down to the Rind, But ’tis we that are up to the Rhino! . ‘ “ 1) | A A *\) \) x hi A hes f NENT Las A\\. } EAI x’ | Wi Vre ) \ a dr \\ ; N) NN u “SOCIETY SMALL TALK.” **On the young Lady’s exclaiming, ‘ How well these rooms are lighted !’ the young Man might reply, ‘ Yes, by the light of Beauty’s eyes, and you are lending your share, which is not a small one, to the general illumination, the brilliancy of which is almost too dazzling to a poor mortal like myself, to whom it is well that moments such as these are brief, else the reaction would be destructive to my peace of mind, if not altogether fatal to it.’” Young Peter Piper has got his lesson well by heart, and is only waiting, to begin, For Mrs. Wetpon’s ConsIpDERATION.— Est modus in | for the lovely Miss Rippington to exclaim, ‘* How WELL THESE ROOMS ARE LIGHTED !”’ rebus! There is a medium in all things! which, unfortunately for him, they are not. BOARDING-OUT V. BABY-FARMING. Pouncn finds, to his deep disgust, that a recent paragraph of his, suggested by the Tranmere horrors, has been read as implying some relationship in his mind between the murderous abominations of baby-farming and the boarding-out system, as advocated by that noble ministress and martyr to good works, Mrs. Nassau Senor, and as carried out, Punch is rejoiced to know, in many parts of England and Scotland. Wherever the attention of a Local Ladies’ Committee can be secured, first to select proper foster-parents for the boarded-out little ones, and afterwards to keep an attentive eye on their treatment and progress, Punch believes that poaeiiap ent may supply what big pauper schools cannot — something like a substitute for paren ong care and guidance. But if these conditions be not most sternly insisted on, the boarding-out system may be a cover for horrors little less foul than those that made the old parish i we ie so often a mask for unspeakable oppression and ill-treatment. Even now it is not safe to consign pariah apprentices to callings that carry them out of reach of surveillance, as the Grimsby smack-fishing. ‘‘ Out of sight out of mind” is likely to be a sad law sorely verified in the case of — ! an ill-used young pauper, overworked and over- underclad and ed, out on the cold Northern Sea. But Boarding-out, under the wise and watchful eyes of a con- scientious and careful Ladies’ Seetites, vagns te be 6 see) Mening to Parochial babies; enabling Boards of Guardians, with a clear i to transfer to woman’s hands part at least of the most conscience, pes duties of their | ay A would ply if any ill-in joke of his should lead to the confusion between ‘* ing-Out,” rightly managed, and Baby-Farming, which is not, and is not meant to be, anything but a cover for babe-murder, made manslaughter by cautious systematic protraction of the sufferings of its doomed dumb victims. If ever fiends in human form earned the gallows, it was the Banneses, husband and wife. If ever a wise and humane Judge's reading of the law erred on the side of lenity, it was Mr. Justice Brett's, when it suggested to the Jury the lowering of their crime from murder to manslaughter. If those babe-slaughterers, the Barneses, were rightly treated, as homicides in only} the second degree of guilt, the wretched woman, Waters, the Lambeth Baby-Farmer, who was hung a few years ago, paid too high a penalty when she gave her miserable life to the gallows. And yet, when have we felt more satisfied than in her case, that the halter had no more than itsdue? And who has not felt that the Baryeses, under Justice Brett’s direction, have had less than theirs? Much as Punch objects to sitting in judgment on his Judges—and above all, one of the most intelligent—he cannot help doing it in the case of the Tranmere Baby-murderers. Not onl does their offence seem to him in its long-sustained and cold-bloode atrocity, to cry out for the highest of law, but it is an offence that above most requires the deterrent influence of the sternest punishment on behalf of creatures that of all most powerfully claim = ae nage by their innocence, and their powerlessness to protect emsel ves, WONDERFUL, Tae late Lord Mayor, rope-maker as he was, was not satisfied with the rope the Aldermen gave him. He actually took more!

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| g | 4 Y4 Z hy. i T | I believe, of to-morrow perusing t replies of the prospect r), ¥ { — Dear Mt. Powcn, new Lo art an | thing else aside, busi easure , the bow pr: guty and w=) the absorbing occupation of attacks ‘HaTSwortH, and Sir Hewry Taunton, and the k, Currienow, and the Marquis of Sronenenes, and think for a moment or two of all the witty, sparkling, pointed, humorous, and diverting jokes, jests, bons-mots, and pleasantries, which said or sung, spoken and written (do you not shrink and tremble, Mr. Punch, at with direct reference, or indirect allusion to the craft and calling | of Sir Francis Wyatr Truscort, now set up by his fellow-citizens to distribute oe and give proofs of his hospitality at the Guildhall and Mansion House. You will not, I imagine, be displeased if by so doing we get the start of some at least of your correspondents, Mr. Punch. The new Lord Mayor will be the Type of all that the Civic imagination pictures to itself a Lord Mayor ought to be Aldermen who have preceded him in the Curule Chair. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Noveumen 15, 1879. He will do his best to produce an excellent Impression. |, Other Lord Mayors have been prime, but this one will po Skene ; nay, we venture to prophesy he will be Long *rimer. | _ A Brilliant career may be predieted for him ; he will be the Minion of neither Court nor faction. He is English to the backbone; and scores of aspirants will contend for the honour of having been the to affirm that he is a Nonpareil. | If he is not a fountain of honour, he can point with pride to a Fount of type. | Let Italian or Venetian masts be erected in his Ward, and for the nonce let them be called Italic! | In politics it is understood that he is Conservative, and that his views are likely to be Stationary rather than —— | More than the usual Stereotyped compliments will be | paid to him. | His hospitality will be unbounded—the First Proof appeared on the tenth; he will be an Al-dine; he will not 1; the Press. ‘ Small Capitals may boast their Mayors, their Provosts, | their Syndics, but our Lord Mayor is connected with the | Biggest Capital in the world. A sword of honour will be borne before him—not a Composing-stick. | He will be tenacious of ceremony—and Form. _All the invitations from the Mansion House during 2 | his year of office will be in Black Letter with Rubricated => Capitals Dp BY ANTICIPATION. urtle and turbot, pheasant and venison may be served on the sumptuous board, the Imposing-table, at the but it will not be com- \. Guildhall or the Mansion House ; plete without a Pie. May he have nothing to regret or Revise! May his slumbers in the state four-poster be tranquil and unbroken, in Proof-sheets—if it should be more congenial to him to be so Com ! May his career be a Justification of all these praises and compliments ! And may he never forget his best Mentor-—Punch ! TYPEE. Mayon, whose reign began on Monday last, exercises, of Printer and Stationer. Let us put every- | pl , the cares of to-day, and the calls may, can, shall, and will be} P.S.—I have been spending some time in unbroken solitude, pondering whether the ingenious can offer you any pleasantries founded on the Lorp Mayor’s name. | As at present advised, I cannot see that this is possible. Happily for you, the Lorp Mayor isnot a North Country man, or you would certainly have been informed, over | and over again, that he was a Tru(e)scott! —the Copy of all the great and good Ow the far-off suburban graveyard’s hush Breaks the slow clangour of the burial bell ; Through close-set ranks of stones this press and push Of an old Actor’s “ last appearance” tell Spite of the shuffling of converging feet, And hum of tongues at funeral pi Across the monotone of the bell’s Faint echoes of the laughs of fifty years. Poor “ Bucky” can this last large house command, On his last Act the curtain down to bring; Leaving the stage, for once, without a hand, Waking sad sigh and thought, for mirth’s shrill ring. ’Tis well that men should love what makes them laugh, Memory and mirth find ties of golden thread, That Time's kind hand should winnow out the chaff Which brings no grist to living or to dead. Let none to-day for moral or for flout Mark how, or why, in sickness and sore need The lamp that long had burned so blythe went out ; Think rather how its oil our lamps could feed With light of laughter, from the brimming cruise That for so many years ran never dry. IN MEMORIAM. John Haldloin Buchstone. Born at Hoxton, Serremper, 1802; Diep at Lowex Sypenuam, Farpay, Oct. 31, 1879. Author and Actor—give the man his dues, And who large debt to Buckstrowe will deny ? ** Ashes to ashes! Dust to dust!” we hear The pellets’ rattle on his coffin-lid, Like the last knell of many memories dear— Glad times, glad faces, in the past long hid! Ask if, for all that recklessness of his ’Mid rocks and reefs oft braving wind and tide, He had a kindly heart? The answer is, ‘ From these his comrades ranged at his grave-side. They knew, none knew so well, the open hand, The unjealous mood, quick all desert to read ; Tongue that to beg in comrade’s cause was bland, Ear that, deaf else, was never deaf to need. The staunchness to old mates, that sometimes strained Tether of patience, till pit, box, and stall “That he was blind as well as deaf” complained When for friends’ sake Art oft went to the wall. Light lie the turf on the old Actor’s bier : Of many a load he lightened many a heart: A more mirth-making mime for many a year We are not like to see. *Tis sad to part, And leave him lying here, out in the cold, Who held such cosy corners of our past ! Farewell, old “‘ Bucky,” many a heart will hold Thy memory green, for all shades o’er it cast ! —_ one hears, t, Orr tHe Live.—A new departure in Turkish policy for Bracons- Frei~p & Co.—from Concession to Coercion.

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November 15, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 221 THROUGH A CHINK. “The Cabinet Council deliberated yesterday for nearly two hours and a half. Another.meeting will be held to-day.”’—Morning Paper. Scene—The Cabinet Room. Glances interchanged. Ministers assembled. uRE Premier. Very sorry to bring you up to town, but glad to see you look- in so well, Well, ' Gentle- situation ? ther _ strained. But of all solu- tions of the litical pro- lem, I am decidedly for * one —— > The Home Secretary. Dis- solution The Premier. Quite the re- verse. lu- tion. I spell the first syllable of > my name with one 8. No. I have only one rule. As hunt- ing men, you : will appreciate it. “ Harden - your heart, hus- ~ tle your horse, and never say die!” But as we , must all die, sooner or later, it may be well to think, in good time, over the best ery to go to the country with. The President of the Council. Just what I was thinking myself. I have turned over a few. What do you say to ‘‘ Reciprocity among Relations ” ? : The Premier. Good idea. Has anybody else anything to suggest ? The Foreign Secretary. Wasn’t my Manchester speech about the right thing? The old motto of the Berlin flag—eh? Premier. Worn out.. Shreds and tatters—‘‘ Pieces without ay ha! (All the Ministers laugh quietly.) Anything y of the Admiralty. What do you think of “a Free Fleet—and no cat!” ? It sounds popular and catchy, don’t it ? War Secretary. Or ‘‘ A half-time Army”? Reads like a saving of twelve millions right off. Colonial Secretary. Sup we tried ‘Crown and Colonies” ? Good Imperial ring about that. Lord Chancellor. Hardly domestic a & I fancy. Don’t come home to men’s business and bosoms. should say something like ‘‘ Justice without Jury—and down with Law Costs!”—or you =“ even go the length of — he Premier (rising). “‘ An Eeonomic Woolsack—and no Chan- cellor!”? No, my Lords and Gentlemen, you’re all wrong. The country wants something a leetle stronger. I should suggest—— All (expectantly). Yes ? The Premier. Another European blaze ! Foreign Secretary (enthusiastically). Excellent! And for phrase ? remier. *‘ Armed England against alarmed Europe.” No- like national sentiment. We’re quite agreed—eh ? All (unanimously). All! Premier. Very well, then; here goes! ——- to — Petersburg, and Constantinople.) = for Council matters. Suppose we run throug our programme? Marquis, may ly Th Le cretary of State i airs. ‘‘ Threatening Letter to | amet 7 j he with France about Egypt.” ‘‘ Put screw on ULTAN ”?—— Premier, Ah—perhaps that will do for the present. Nothing like irited Foreign policy. cretary of State for Foreign Affairs. We have received an oestors—— (Wires off simulta- a inheritance from our an Premier, Oh yes,—we know,—excellent, out of doors. Could not be better! But not heree—— And now, Harpy—I beg your pardon To for India ( od , ecretary of State for ia (attempting to read a paper of instruc- tions). Can’t quite make it out yet. I think it Ss emething about annexing Herat—or is it Merv? _ Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs (angrily). No,no! That is in my programme. J have to annex Mery—— Premier, My dear Marquis, you are a leetle impetuous ! _ Secretary of State for India (indignantly). P he is always me ad with me. Asif he had anything to do with our Indian mpire ! ecretary of State for Foreign Affairs (contemptuously). Oh | haven’t I just ? Secretary of State for India, No you haven't. India ain’t Foreign y | —it’s domestic. Premier, My dear friends, you mustn’t quarrel. Take my word for it, we will find you both plenty to do. Secretary of State fer India, Oh, I have it at last! (2eading.) “Look up the Scientific Frontier on the side of "—what wretched writing !—oh, I see—‘‘ China ”—or is it ‘* Persia” ? Premier. Fither will do—but both will keep. En attendant, Sir MicHakt, what have you got for us? ’ Secretary of State for the Colonies, Lots. There’s the Victoria Row in full swing—and here—cautious public letter to Sir Gannrr, to tell him to be careful what he’s about; civil ee note to beg him to go ahead and do what he ‘‘ darned pleases!” Premier. Very concisely put. However, that ’s your own affair— strietly. You must see we can’t be bothered with Joun Dunn and the Transvaal. And now, Smirn ? First Lord of the Admiralty, Oh! I'm all right. to be used judiciously in the dockyards. Keep by ground, and tell Honwny to bounce the SuLTAN a capital point for the Election. Premier, Connu! And you, Sranuey ? Secretary of State for War. Snub the Militia, and pee-tape the Volunteers. CArpwett gave both their h far too much. CARDWELL was wrong. The only way to save the Election—I mean the Army—is to —— hurry. My dear Boy, you or d the situation, your brother had been as intelligent t that’s a painful subject ! And now, me dear CHANCELLOR of the Excnxequen, we have left ou and the H fou always are. You ’re so conciliato Chancellor of the Exchequer. No, chaff me! Why don’t you fet got nothing to too bad! ith all you fellows spendin to make a decent Budget? What have A few millions rus in the back- it. Premer. Undo Canpwert’s work—only don’t be in too sreat a | Ah! if | , and so reasonable. am not, and it’s cruel to o but to keep the Publicans in good humour ! right and left, how am | got to appeal to? Premier. Fireworks, my dear Boy! fireworks, with the appro- | and Jounw Bu. won't | riate mottoes! Blaze away enough of them other himself about figures. Never fear, ru pull you through! And now, my dear friends, you all know your cues. ( Whe We advertise ‘‘ Last Nights of the present Parliament,” to be followed by a General Election! (Airily.) So holiday is over, and the business of the Establishment is just agoing to begin. opos—those fire- works for the Lord Mayor's Banquet! You've your speeches ready? [AU rummage their pockets. Scene closes. Sorrow without Salt. “The Aylesbury Dairy Company have been trying a new, and, as yet | It will be a | ome Secretary to the last! I know you are all right. | et me change places with Cross? He's | It’s | spers a date.) | secret, treatment for butter, which preserves it fresh and sweet for an | indefinite period without salt. in any quantity.” —Spectator. Arressury ducks! Aylesbury geese, say 1! Who'd teach us, sans salt, to keep butter sweet, When Uncle Sam’s cow-streams, that ne’er run dry, In all shapes save this, make the sea their street. Beef, dead and living, cheese, tinned milk, salt butter— Must Yankee-land all ite “ ia” utter Upon our marts? And now, in our dejection, You take our salt—poor Jonw BuLt’s sole protection ! What more from Neptune shall Britannia seek ¢ Take with our “‘ silver side” our “ silver streak” ! SOMETHING LIKE A REWARD. Tury have made onr illustrious Professor Owen free of the Lea- thersellers’ Company! Our national debt to him has long been owin.’ This is payin’ it with a vengeance at last ! We shall have unsalted butter from America | | }

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemser 15, athe

<j “SHOUTHER TO SHOUTHER!” Scens—A Working-Party! Afghanistan. Road-Making at Sic Annas a Day. Sergeant. ‘‘ Hoo mony M&Nn HAE SHE WARKING UP DARE, CorP’RAL!”’ Corporal. “‘ Anoot A Dozen; BUT THEY'RE DAEIN’ NAETHING !” Sergeant, “* Aa niont, Conr’raL! S#UST BIDE AWEE, AND I’LL SEND SOME MAIR UP, TO Gig YE A Havun’!!”

sensi auieaamiea ae * A thing to put Palace and Porte in a panic— rTHE ENGLISH OF IT. That Must has a meaning that’s sternly Britannic, And not Oriental, permissive, or funny. Now, om Up re sans might and sans money, 8s Waar?’ The Turkish Non possumus countered at last With that parlous word “‘ Must,” so denounced in the past ? Finds his dear friends for Reform getting urgent, qpowativs mood! Ultimatum’! Coercion!!! What wonder he’s frightened, astonished, insurgent ’ e me Jingo’s especial aversion, 1 Veril Must? By the beard of the Prophet, what next ? Applied to the —y)— Mussulman! Verily, Will the treacherous Giaour ne’er stick to his text ? Time's whirligig must have been spinning it merrily. Has GLapstone at last got the infidel’s ear? Layaxp, my lad, this must go ’gainst the grain. Have the sons of burnt fathers a new Grand Vizier ? Braky, dear boy, this must cause you much pain. Not yet, gentle Turk, simple child of Islam, SALIsbURY, really, mon cher, one must pity you, Unwitting of guile unsuspicious of sham, ones — ey — ap bene a eg Our High Humpty-Dumpty not yet has his fall, m to have held it were shame, wrong, and joss lor us 1 tion i ing— ’ ! Even to whisper a ‘“‘ Must” near the Bosphorus. But a General Election is coming—that’s all! Can you have lost, on this special occasion, Your faith in the virtue of soft moral suasion ? ‘ The Sick Man may need anodyne or emulsion, Royal Purveying. But aught so cathartic as open compulsion, ‘*Captain Hunt Gruspe has been appointed one of Her Majesty’s naval Bo dreadfully drastic as real reform /— aides-de-camp, vice SaLmon, retired.’’— Court Circular. Dear, dear! Just imagine how Ji s would storm ‘ . . At the very suggestion from—well, I won’t trouble you It might almost be supposed that Her Maszsry, like the Berwick With the full name, it ins with a W. and Newcastle apprentices of old, had become tired of salmon, an Old Bag-and-Baggage, whom Tory abuse had appointed this gallant Officer to hunt the grub that is wanted Has branded as compound of traitor and goose, to take its place. He, the oy, plaguy, importunate Trouncer of Pashas corrupt and extortionate, Comfort from Shakspeare. Who, long ago, ere your Sick Man had lost All power to bear Reform’s burden and cost, Sa 66D BS DRSEEES. Ere the much-petted—and parcelled-out—nation (To Mr. Punch, with Monty Corry’ s Compliments.) ney tried your fine nostrum called ‘* Consolidation, “Tux eagle suffers little birds to sing, a recommend, to your utter disgust, in And is not careful what they mean thereby ; A very strong dose of this very same ‘‘ Must. Knowing that with the shadow of his wing Then you were far too sagacious to heed him. He can at pleasure stint their meledy.”’ Now—why here! Layaxp informs Manmoup Nepiu— Titus Andronicus, Act IV., Se. 4.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemsber 15, 1879. SWAIN Se THE ENGLISH OF IT. Britisn Ampassapor. ‘“* YOUR MAJESTY MUST REFORM!” Surran, “*‘ MUST’!!!—IS THERE, THEN, A NEW GRAND VIZIER IN ENGLAND?” British Ampassapor. ‘‘NO. BUT THERE’S GOING TO BE A GENERAL ELECTION!”

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lt tee ee ee Le UC lll ok S

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a November 15, 1879. ] IN TIME. HE wretch who Ladies soiled with Town Talk's breath His eighteen months of well-earned quod se- A KICK cures ; But kick a woman, when she’s down, to death, And, if she is your wife, six months’ are yours. Proud privilege of husbands —without joking — TheJudge thinks that ‘‘ she might have been pro- voking!” To Our Censor Morum, Dear Mr. Ponca, Tue late Lord Mayor will be equally surprised and di to know that a detac t of the Guards regularly marches past the Mansion-House about7 P.M. every night in their Bear- skins, much to the panatt and virtuous indignation of the, at that hour, happily diminis population of the City. A Frrewptr Zuiv, OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. Mr. Irving as Shylock, Miss Ellen Terry’s Portia, at the Lyceum.— Postscript, Imperial, Folly, Gaiety, Adelphi. THERE were great expectations about The Merchant at the Lyceum, and colli t t have not been d i isappoin Invine’s Shylock, taken as a whole, is a really fine performance evident result of careful and conscientious study. His aeting in Venice = Trial Scene, with one, as it seems to me, not altogether unimportant ill exception, is a m ece. When, in reply to Basétanio’s offer, ‘* For thy three thousand ducats here is six,” he taps the jingling coin in the open bag three times, he draws everyone’s attention to the forcible refusal he is about to make. While I admi implies, ‘‘ Look here, Bassanio, just listen to my ultimatum,” the device seems unworthy of Shylock’s dignity throughout the scene. Dignity! Why the is nowhere compared with Mr. Invine’s Shylock. The faults that will be, and by this time have been, found ) er J what seems allowed on all » to be Mr. ievines Sno spearian impersonation, may ran in two c : those which mark the Actor's individuality, Tae which spring from his conception. For the first—have not all great Actors a curious tendency to em- phasise those peculiarities in speech and action which di them from their fellows? Was it not so with Mackeapy, with Cuartes Keay, with Portes? Were they not all easily imitated and successfully caricatured ? The Actor must be taken as nature made him. ‘‘ Man is not perfect, no, nor woman neither ;” though both Mr. Irvine, and Miss Etten Terry as Portia, in their degree, come very, very near to ection, as far as that is conceivably possible to mortal Stage-players. I dismiss Mr. Invrye’s iarities of gait and utterance with this remark, that they are less noticeable in Shylock than in any part in which I have hitherto seen him, except Sir Edward Mortimer, where he was always distinct, and seldom jerky. Had he been more jerky, and more ess, and more inarticulate, on the first night, I am bound to say I should have set it down to intense nervousness, which is a characteristic of goes, and if in the scene with Tubal he seemed to be palsied with frenzy, 1 must say that Tubal’s slip of —— in the middle of the Jew’s most effective scene was quite ry 3 to have upset the strongest Shylock, If this had yo to Ma I fancy that poor 7uba/l wouldn’t have been allowed to forget it in a burry. As for Mr. Invrne’s conception of the character, its truth to SHAKSPEARE, and to nature, seems to me to consist in its incon- sistency. Is the plot to be judged by any rule of probabilities? If the play be measured by the critic’s thumb-rule, will the result be tisf —— its mighty bursts of genius, of its or su aS and of its romantic be so easily robbed of all their exquisite a Portia as Mise Evtzw Trury. one moment, tottering another; now hob- bling, now striding: now bent and en, anon upright and sturdy; PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. t the action | ; 225 if at one time he rayes and scolds like a virago, and at another is calm, impassive, and unrelenting as destiny,—I say that this is SHAKSPEARE’S own lock, a character lights and shades, evoking laughter bitterest irony, punning over a matter of business, sharp in his retorts, and in his outbursts of passion “ Bo confused So strange, outrageous, and so variable,” * All the boys in Venice follow him, Crying—his stones, his daughter, and his ducats.”’ We have a Rembrandtesque picture. This is the Jew that Portia drew—the raving, i old clothesman, harried and worried by those het le curs, the chafing gamins, the street Arabs of an that— Venice, the } tinwashed of the Canals, who mob him from street to him to frenzy. But he his composure for the great Trial Scene, when, unreprese by counsel, he is going to conduct own case, and i into the Christian M t. By the way, Antonio 4 stout, portly yy, First Act, A Sy hole plan tang’ Lovee on W. , s ech o . on wah ve 4 “bit of fat”’ in his part, e Lyceum Mr. Fo na’ y sad, and reed? too leafi.. Mr. Barnes a his by the way. So potent . InvivG’s embodiment in the 6 of that concentrated hate which Tetwica has grevioudly Fe Poi a aie 2 “T have heard him swear bs wed rather have Antonio’s flesh twenty times the value of the sum he did owe ” tion the di aul ee is not by eav ” as the most en resents Gratiano’s ‘‘ cha Miss Exits Temny had t the could do as Portia at the Prince of Wales's, there was but as the sketch of which this at the Lyceum is the perfect picture. It is high and graceful y, from first to last—pure comedy, por- traying the varying impulses, the vivacity and sparkling wit of a beeatifal woman richly endowed by nature, strong in the power of her own charms, never attitudinising, ever moving with uncon- scious grace, fascinating by her rare spontaneity and simplicity. Portia is instinctively an actress. She jumps at the fun of dis- guising herself and her maid as barrister and clerk, and takes it for granted that her ‘cousin Bellario will give his grave countenance paaeay Loser 5 80 ube a mad ) Seay e iporall y sare in it, ing t a preliminary re ‘ore Nerissa of the gait, Sooner, a voice of the part she is about to play. Yet, after all this, her disguise in Court, to Miss Trxny’s view, is so transparent, that Bassanio must the most obtuse per- son not to discover wife v, ie egpeten, of, a the instant she o her lips to ; for in next Act even Lorenzo, occupied as he is with Jt , recognises Portia at night by her voice alone. But, neither si in la can be seriously criticised. satisfied with 7 and the foree of the situations carry the drama triumphantly I hear one blemish charged en Se ee ee P —a lack of dignity in the Tri a sudden assumption of dignity

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—— r : " - uF 4 ba. ( ‘¢ *~) iy *% tes , Jan di \ Ane ANN wy \) ’ % p A dy reeaera eT “{ TW * BAIN i iy i Vs" ad ibe SNOBBINGTON AND SHODD. Lady Snobbington (née Shodd). *‘ Au! How bo you vo, Herr Scavtz? TO DINE WiTH ME ON TUESDAY NEXT.” Herr Schultz, the great Philosopher (whose acquaintance with her Ladyship is of the slightest). “ You ARE FERY VReNTLY, Mapam! Bermir zat! inrropuce To you Mapam Scuutrz.” Lady Snobbington (who thinks great Philosophers are all very well, but doesn’t want to be bothered with their womankind). *‘A—pe.icnrep, I’w sung! Mapam Scuvutrtz, I want THIS DEAR CLEVER HvsBAND OF YOURS TO DINE WITH ME, AND Meer tue Dvucness or CLAPHAM, AND THE Brsuor oF LOUGHBOROUGH, AND MY SISTER-IN-LAW, Lapy GuUINEVRE MosELty, YoU KNOW,—AND YOU WILL SPARE HIM TO US FOR OWE EVENING, won’? you ?” Madam Schultz, *‘Ou, CERTAINLY, IF HE WISHES IT.” Herr Schultz (in his innocence of the ways of Shodds and Snobbingtons). *‘ You ARE FERY VRENTLY, MADAM! Por zese LATIZ8 ZAT YOU MENTION, ZEY ARE ZEN PERHAPS 3OT EXACTLY RESPECTABLE, ZAT YOU HAF NOT ALSO INVITED MY Wirx!?” I WANT YoU in this Portia, Has she agent that speech about mercy ? has Bellario crammed her for it? or is it the sudden outburst of her own generous nature? If the speech be pre- pared, then it should be a rhetorical display; which it is not. If it is a happy thought PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemser 15, 1879. yet with a certain modesty consistent with the position of so young a barrister in so important @ case. On the first night there were two distinct and equal ra edhe ng that of Shylock, and that of Portia, The piece is beautifully placed on the stage, every scene being a ect picture. For the rest of the dramatis persone,—Mr. Beaumont was not half a Doge—perhaps if he were Beaumont and Fietcner together, he might have been stronger. Mr. Tyars as the Prince of Morocco, or the other Moor of Venice— Othello the Less, instead of Othello the Moor—was very good. Antonio was like the Anthony in the old song of ‘* Froggee would” whose lay is always ‘‘ Heigho! said Antonio Rowley.” Mr. Barnes decidedly “stood out” as Barnes-anio—I mean Bas- sanio—and posed a bit too much, under the impression that he was exhibiting ‘‘ gallant bearing.” He was also too impatient and off- handed in the Trial Seene—a defect which, no doubt, by this time he has remedied, and has become deeply interested in what is likely to a protracted case. Lorenzo is ‘‘ nice.” The Gobbos, pére et fils, are not particularly humorous ; their old-fashioned, wearisome traditional stage business ought to be re- arranged. Jessica obtained a laugh when she throws a good-sized casket, apparently across a canal, at Lorenzo's head, which might have induced an exclamation of ‘‘ Well fielded!” from the irrepressible, and imperilled the situation. The last Act always disappoints me—not by its language, which is beautiful; not by its comedy, which is amusing; but because poor old Shylock does not reappear. I should like him to drop in on that happy party in rich Venetian evening dress—not as he went out to —e with Salarino & Co., like Guy Fawkes, with a lantern and tinder-box—to express his sorrow for the trouble he has caused, and then peak the lines which Nerissa now speaks, about the deed of gift to Lorenzo and Jessica—adding, of course, ** Take her, you young dog of a Christian, and be happy.” The late Mr. Catvert used to end the play with a poetically conceived scene of moonlit silence in the great hall of Belmont, with Portia and Bassanio looking on the still night from a window in the gallery. It was very effective, and would have offered a really good excuse for the return of Shylock, who, out of reve- rence for ‘the Bard,” might have expressed everything in dumb show, and handed over the deed of gift in pantomime. In fact, the deed, and not the word, is the onl7 thing required. But these changes cannot be properly effected until the piece is reproduced in Our National Theatre of the Future by Your REPRESENTATIVE. P.S. The Rivals as presented at the Imperial Theatre has not been rivalled by any recent revival of the admirable old play, in the leading parts of Lydia, Mrs. Malaprop, Sir Anthony, and Captain Absolute, First and foremost, Miss Lirron gives a feminine charm all her own, in look, movement, and manner, to the sentimental heroine. I can few more bewitching stage apparitions than hers, as she interrupts the duel in the Abbey Fields, in her black mantua and muslin fichu worn en fanchon and infinitely becoming to her fair face. Of the veteran Mrs, Strrtuve’s Mrs, Mala- prop, and Mr. Farren’s Sir Anthony, what need to speak ? They both belong to a good old time, and act accordingly. Mr. Kyriz Bet- LEw’s Captain is quiet, graceful, and pleasant, not a tone of it overdone, which is a great virtue. This young man promises to go far in light comedy ; may he never find worse fare than SHeRmpan, 1 am glad to note his progress for his father’s sake, as well as his own on the spur of the moment, then it is delivered with sufficient force and emphasis, and Mr. Broven’s Bob Acres is capital in the

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November 15, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL wy Acts, pe, but, to at, fang thinking, monotonous in the terror of the t is quite possible that real fright «Steen a lusty atk, 5 into the limp and deplorable creature pneesn, but the com: first duty is to eS, truth with humorous : iet, at of hie He ~ aah tote re ui gen —in short, ‘‘less trish and more nice” than he usually is on the’ st = er, aad —> at the Aquarium deserves y those who seek good time-sanctioned ‘olessioal zf ep ps ate thar at the p mort It is not to be had too often. ithin a week, Mr. 1 appears at the Folly, with A Fool and his Money rather worn-out Ici on i Mr. H. J. Brace, who will have kis fn in the olly In Risa P The Uj Crust for J. “T. ; or, Scotched and Kilt, at the Gaiety, un Secu FakREN plays that amiable "tenor, Francis Osbaldistone, whose initiale, “F. 0.,” stand for ‘‘ Foreign Office,” or, ame properly here, *‘ Farren ce”? —it being quite h er office to represent the hero of burlesque. The em gives s us a notable example of what can be done, also what can’t be done, with a bad piece, yy an exceptionally good cast, Mr. Nevitte as John rowdie is the var spit of what Mr. Tennret’s Jonn Butt of the Punch Cartoons must have been when aoeut twenty-five. Mr. Vezrn is excellent as Newman Nogg in a marvellous make-up, the actor’s individuality x completely destroyed. And this is equally true of Mr. R. Pareman, whose Brooker, the depesneed : villain, is as good a performance as can be seen in a character so con- ventionally melodramatic. Mrs. MELLON looks a deal too kind for Mrs. Squeerss | but ? is always a pleasure to see her at the Adelphi, and to forgive her for remaining as nature made her. The Coach Scene is most effective, though some might object to the coach as stagey. y THE MUNICIPAL FORECAST. Lrperat Reaction, indeed! Bosh! Where will you find signs of it? In the Mayors’ nests! Sir Evetyn Woop, rn Brier.—( With Mr. Punch’s congratulations after t the Bar Dinner of Saturday, Jov. 1.,—A Queen’s own Fighter, and a Devil’s own | COFFEE!” Talker. Commercial Gent (hungry and jubilant). Morton CuTLer To roLiow! Waiter (satirically). Commercial Gent, *‘ Yes, Srewep Kipngys. Au! AND A sAvOURY OMELETTE !”’ W aitter. Commercial Gent, ‘‘ No, THAT WILL DO——” Waiter (with calm contempt), THEM THINGS HERE? Depication or A New Sarnt’s Day.—The Fifth of November : To St. Beaconsfield, as the patron of fireworks. Scnoot Boarp Expenpirvre.—On building princi- pally, and too much by a precious site. A Heatran to Fast Livers.—Our Absinthe Friends. | leas!” i} TANTALUS. Irish Waiter (to Commercial Gent, who had done a good stroke of business already). ‘* Brikrast ? Yessin, WHAT’LL YE HAVE, YER Honovrn—Tay on *“Correr, AND Friep SoLe AND ‘* ANNYTHING ILsz, Sunk?” ** Yesstrr. ANNYTHING——” ** AND DO YE EXPICT TO FOIND THE LIKES 0’ Sune, YE’LL GET WHAT YEZ ALWAYS GOT—BACON AN’ THE PROPRIETOR OF PHOTOGRAPHS. es ipal contemporary has latel ovR princi con as late divers jotem, rom sundry sundry eorsesponsents on t tographic copyright ; communications in which contradi claims to ay eed in negatives are affirmed by positive persons. None of these, however. ym some themselves fe eaten graphers, have thrown any light o1 on the re That has been reserved for me to do, as the party, above others, a of doing it. Is it not strange that amongst all the controvertists respecting copyright in Sun pictures, nobody has hitherto ome 5 forward to point out the incontestably prior and prescriptive a of the original and uni- versal Photographer, yours ever Puesvs APoLto, P.S.—I need not tell you how ashamed I am of the base and vulgar uses to which my s are put by unscrupulous cads and snobs whom I cannot, unfortunately, prevent from availing themselves of the rays I cannot help shedding, and perverting their chemical pro- perties, with mercenary designs, to the annoyance, defamation, and prejudice of decent people. given insertion to e question of pho- Quoth the Sultan. My long-suffering bondholders, prick up your ears, I’m resolved to reform, so no more doubts and fears ; I give you my word for ’t,—then do not despond ; My word, you shall see, is as good as my bond! A RISE IN GREECE, / sennight, * Montrose, Mr. Baxter, M.P., in an instructive address on “‘ New Greece,” gave a glowing ac- count of that little, Le rising is looking up. British speculators would do well to invest in Greece, and thus effectually pone soa the in’ operating in the European market for the use of Russian is every reason iain to expect that Greeks will pay; which it is now quite evident that Turks never can. The — of the olive has wonderfully in- creased in (éreece of late years, toa proportionate extension of Leake in the Grecian Isles. But the pod. Isles of Greece require to be augmented by Samos, Crete, and others, which were Greek of old, ae hich it is desirable for British as distinct from Muscovite interests, that Greece should get again. However, in order to raise the wind for that Bhan on the political Change, it is manifest that we shall have to change our Brokers. On Thursda Ode to the Three Chafers (Parnell & Co.), By Sir 8. N. Your Vulgar Fractions cause distractions, Your Divisions make me Your Rule-of- me, And your Practice drives me mad. Who noips tHe Key or tar Postrion ?—General Election.

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228 PUNCH, OR THE LON ON

OHA RIVARL [Novemper 15, 1879.

PUBLIC JUDGMENT ON PUBLIC MEN.

Zi 1gHTs and Wrongs a Wy ® « —Siz of One, J Co AY m and Half-a- a . i) .) dozen of the DS) Be Other. ath i On Thursday last the Right Hon. R. Penny- WISE addressed a meeting of his nstituents on e subject of the mt political ituation. r. PENNYWISE that nothink- ing man could re- affairsat this without a feeling of the ap re- tet he only chance for country was an lamoupeeenange of Mini ~ The present slthen. was com en- tirely of monsters. The TER was a very caricature of wickedness in its most hateful form. (Cheers.) He went out of his way to do silly and malicious things. He sacri- ficed fame, ambi- tion, patriotism, respectability to his intense love for naughtiness of the most childish and mis- chievous character. As for his colleagues they were imbeciles— (/aughter)— he might say a pack of stupid donkeys—(renewed laughter)—idiots, in fact. So was the Premier. He was the big; idiot of the lot. (Roars of laughter.) They had been told a great deal about our Foreign Policy. What did we want with a foreign policy? (Cheers.) Would a foreign give us an additional twopence a day for beer? (No! No!”) W a ocvign policy renovate the town pump, when that great local monument requi to be repaired ? (“ No! No!) Would a foreign policy do good to any one living in Mudborough, or Slocum-super-Mare? (Cheers.) He (Mr. Penwrwise) would far sooner have a plate of meat and potatoes than the finest foreign policy in the world! (Loud applause.) It was nonsense to talk of the responsibilities of England. Who cared for any one living outside a radius of five miles? (Cheers.) Or, to put it more plainly, who cared twopence fer the comforts of next-door neighbour ? (Enthusiastic a use.) * Every man for himself!” was his motto ; cat he thought it a very one. (Cheers.) Why should they spend money upon India’ Why should they attempt to prevent slaughter and massacre in foreign parts? (Cheers.) So ag Tho wisews oe oxpuane Cin Bet ome S D their parish for relief, what did it matter to them? ( cheers.) In conelu- sion, he must declare, that although he regarded the Honse of great respect, he held another body of men in far greater esteem. The body < men jo whem he < wok 9 Ser a | the pee rulers than colleagues in Parliament. acted invariably e r init, and their sensible kmits, He only wished that

economical, that self- ing band—the Members of the Local Vestry. The Right ea Gentleman then resumed his seat amidst thunders of the most enthusiastic applause. On the same ores Colonel the Honourable ALcERNon PouNDPOOLISH addressed a meeting constituents. The Honourable and Gallant Member said, that nothinking man could regard affairs at this hour without a feeling of the greatest apprehension. The only chance for the country was the mai ip power the present Ministry. The Premier was noblest Englishman had ever illuminated the page of Mistery. iChcove) There was something mereniiene in his abnegation of self, i -si and penetrating ioti lor his colleagues they were a band of cietemoan in the purest sense. On the other hand the leaders of the

Opposition were dolts. (Laughter.) He might say duffers—probably he might

and Lord Hazrryeron from the title, but he couldn’t. (Renewed laughter.) They had heard a t deal about a home-policy. (Cheers.) What did they want with a home-policy ? Home was safe to look after itself. Was Barrannta such an old woman that she dared not show her face abroad. Were wetied to our wives’ apron-strings ? (‘* No, no!”) One fair knock-down blow delivered straight from the shoulder was worth all the milk-and- water in the world. (Loud applause.) It was monstrous to talk of the British Lion as if he were a well-bred animal exhibited in a cage at the Zoological Gardens. When the British Lion's beard was pulled, he kicked. (Cheers.) But he would not allow himself to be kicked by anyone. (Enthusiastic applause.) Everybody was insult- ing us, and we would not be insulted. (*‘ No, no!”) They insulted us because they thought we were afraid —we were not afraid. (Long-continued cheering.) We knew how to fight, and would fight as soon as look at them. (Cheers. The Honourable and Gallant Member then resumed his seat amidst thunders of the most enthusiastic applause.

DESECRATION OF A GOOD OLD DAY. Mr. Pouncn, Sr, ** In great attempts ’tis glorious e’en to fail,” as I failed in trying to blow up the heretical “ House of Lords, the King and all his Ministers.” In default of any due observance of my anniversary in a serious spirit by the proper parties, I have been well content to be borne about, as [ used to be, on a sella gestatoria in a mock procession, and finally burnt in effigy. I was thus, at any rate, commemorated as an historical hero—call me what anybody might. But for some years past I have been gradually sinking into neglect and oblivion. Fora long while, through the invention of “ lucifers,” I have been shorn of my tinder-box and matches. On many occasions I have been chaired under the form of some unpopular Minister, or other personage, obnoxious to the British Public, and only now and then so dignified asa Pope or aCardinal. Now, at last, I have altogether fallen upon evil days. My yearly festival has come to be per- verted to mampocaany espe of simple jollification. On the Fifth of November lately past, for instance, as you read at breakfast the other morning :— “At Dorchester a fund of £500—towards which Lord Artineton and Mr. Brymer, M.P., were liberal subscribers —had to be raised, and there was a magnificent procession of two hundred Guys, each gorgeously arrayed, and carrying aloft a lighted torch. The King of the Fiji Islands, the Duke of Ditehwater, Sinbad the Sailor, Marwood, the Ameer of Cabul, the Convict Orton, and Cetewayo, were among the characters represented.” What have any of the abovenamed personages done to deserve the name of ‘‘Guy”? As for SHere ALI and Cerewayo, they were merely foreign enemies, who had never distinguished themselves by any enterprise like mine, and neither of whom suffe martyrdom. What have the King of the Fiji Islands and the Claimant in common with me? What has Marwoop to do with one who was hanged, drawn, and quartered above 273 h| years ago? All this is bad enough; but still worse is the presentation as ‘‘ Guys,” of such dummies as the Duke of Ditchwater and Sindbad the Sailor. I regard this as a endeavour to snuff me out, by in- sinuating that I am no better than a merely mythic or fictitious character. Mr. Punch, it is my proud boast that I am a Keality. The boys, in better times, used ¢| to sing about the streets that they saw no reason wh Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot ; but, alas! now see too much reason to fear that it very soon will be forgotten, unless something is done to rehabilitate in his time-honoured tatters Your poor old friend, Guy Fawkes, Incendiary aid Martyr. P.S.—As to fireworks and bonfires, I have become a mere excuse for a flare-up.

Ex Nihilo Nihil. Waar “Tap the Porte,” Sir Hewry ? ’Tis unkind Thus to mock British Bondholders’ dry throttles! The more you “‘ Tap,” the more you ’re sure to find

say “‘jackasses,” were it not un-Parli but it was the right word in the right Saas for allthat. (4 laugh.) He wished he could exclude Mr. Giapstone There is no Porte—only the empty bottles !

#8 To Coaessronpawts —The Bditor does not hold himad/ bound te acknowledge, return, or for Contributions, In neo case can these be returned unless accompanied by 6 how led be kepr. stamped and directed meclope

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November 22, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

“a Wy 8) ex i Hi Ly “THERE’S A DIVINITY DOTH HEDGE,” ke. Juvenile “ Scold.” *‘ Yer NASTY LITTLE ToInG! rv YER FATHER WASN'T A P’ticgMaN, I’p sMAcCK YER !”’

A RAAL LUMINARY. Dear Mr. Poncn, As I know you are futesosted »' the cause of Education, as well as in everything which concerns the weal of soon coun I send you the pk om ihe extract from the o~ Independent and ary ‘atholic Times of November 8th, which I hope, convince <a t the “Island of the Saints” is now, as it has ever , in the van of intellectual progress. Yours, Aw Inisn we DUCATION, Elementary, Intermediate, Oa and University.—Mr. R. Visiting Tutor, Teacher of the Greek, and Latin lassies, and of the French, Tale, and English Youth instructed ant the ba ners a 5 of the En _ lan e, through the tions of Intermediate, Collegiate, and University tion, quatifying t them for Competitive Examinations for all Civil, Naval and Military appointments. ~_ French language of which Mr. R. a most critically accurate Pronunciation as to its Elisions, Intonation and Modification of voice, he teaches with that graceful Undulation of sound which particularly characterises a well-bred Parisian. Let it not, therefore, be inferred that it is French as it is usually taught by uneducated Governesses and by many of those Illiterate Foreigners, with their Grammaires, Vocabulaires, a Indispensables, &c., &c. Besides being the Literal Translator of a number of Moonr’s most popular melodies and other Songs into Greek, Latin, French and Italian of the same Metrical Composition and Rhythmical harmony as the originals, and which, therefore, can be sung and played to the same airs, Mr. R. can also produce numerous escapades of his own composition in the way of hymns, songs, &c. In evidence of what Mr. R. here states of himself, he can produce the written testimony of the most exalted in rank, the most dignified by profession, and the most eminent in learning of all religious denominations in this kingdom. A series of adult evening classes will also be om of which due notice shall be given. N.B.—Mr. BR. purposes publishing a series of letters of correspondence with parties of distinction in high literary circles, as time and space will hereafter permit.

Quoth the Kurfurst. “T notice that a rather prominent portion of the German preas takes delight in running down the Erglish Navy.” —Daily iaily News Berlin Correspondent. “* Berrer that than that a prominent portion of the German Navy should take delight in running down each other.”

THE NEW CENONE. Aw Epic Fracment. (With Apologies to the Poet Laureate.) O Britisu Public, many-fadded public, Queer British Pub blic, harken ere I die! It was the bright forenoon: one silvery cloud Had with soft sprinkle laid the gathered dust Of Mayfair. To the nee the one Scant-robed came before Laman, anh damieas, enh iets fe cinnamon, y grey, le, eral he Bad the anti ye the swift spring-curtains doow This wa and that in many a subtle shift Bar de fais onl droning boug ing With cloud and curtain, tower and O British Public harken ere I die! I heard sale ame She to Paris made power, public rule an elastic Y nem O British Pu Out at arm’ length, so much the thought of ut at arm’s so m er Flattered his mes but eo where she stood. ace ener, Eee tr stately limbs her aspect Peeeetle chore har fell wil ‘carson ove Over her firm-set mouth and haughty ch cheek Kept watch, waiting decision, made reply. “* Unselfishness, high honour, justice clear, These three nly worth J sovereign power. Yet not for power were of itself Is a base burden) bu t to hold as law the tot high, * Be just and do not fear,’ And because right 1s right to follow right, With a serene contempt of consequence.’ And ‘Sie and I cried, ‘0! Paris, Give it to Pallas!” But he heard me not, Or hearing, would not heed me. Woe is me! O! British Public, many-headed Public, Crass British Public, harken ere I die! Audacious A Et , beautiful Fresh as the le hyacinth’s ra 8 rain-washed bells, With -) olive backward drew From her bold brow and bosom her long hair Auricomous, and bared her shining throat And shoulder; on the carpet her small feet Shone lily-like, and on her rounded form, Between the shadows of the studio blinds, Shifted the cunning “ high lights ” as she moved. 0! British Public, harken ere I die! She, with a subtle smile in her bold eyes, The herald of her triumph, well assured Half whispered in his ear, “‘ 1 promise thee The negatwe of my mie d hotograph !” She spoke and lau shut my eyes in fear, And when I looked, Paris had not the apple, And I beheld great Heré’s angry eyes As she withdrew from forth studio door, And i was left t alone within the place!

THE WHEEL WITHIN OUR WHEEIS. Lorp B.’s motto for Jouw Burn, “‘ Imperium et Libertas.’ t would he say to “‘ Imperium in Imperio ?”

VOL. LXXVII,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL “A GREAT GUILDHALL CRACKER.” **He Won it Well, and may he Wear it Long.” Barons of Old and Barons To-day. “The Queen has been pleased to confer upon Captain Eyne Massey = Two Barons big of Beef grace the Lord Mayor’s Guildhall feast, Suaw the distinction of the Order of the Bath, Civil Division, in recognition, One installed high in the West, one installed high in the East. of his services as Chief Officer of the Metropolitan Fire Brigade.’’— Gazette. Other Barons bold we ’ve banished, and banish remain : rs ; Vein #8 . ” Punch takes off his cap to Captain Saaw,C.B. Never was distinc-| With these Guildhall Barons only ’tis ‘‘ cut, and come again. tion better earned. If there had only been ar order of the Fire-Engine - as oy eon, ! May he come to the Garter at last—in graceful BY A BEAST OF AN OLD BACHELOR. to the Aose ! P + spate esta Wuat is the difference between the Male Clerks at St. Martins- le-Grand and the Female Clerks at the Branch Offices ? The one have ‘‘ Manners” among them ; the other have none. WARFARE ovTr or Prace.—A Naval Battle in the Pacific.

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9? Novemser 22, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE ABSTRACT LORD MAYOR. (From “ The Nine” on the Ninth.) Ho for London’s majestic Lord Mayor! abides evermore in the Chair, Serene and sublime, The Lord Mayor of all time, The Ideal, the Abstract Lord Mayor! Of Lord Mayors he’s th’ essential Lord Mayor, From the time first such officers were, Lord Mayor Absolute he, From all accidents free. Unconditioned and Abstract Lerd Mayor! In the Abstract he feasts on fare, With the Concrete beyond all compare, ‘Turtle-soup thick and clear, _ An Entity dear To even an Abstract Lord Mayor! When his form to imagine we dare, To our minds we don’t picture it spare ; the waist round about, As ’twi We conedehel Ge Means ten Mayor! Peers and Princes the common lot share ; Flesh and blood will succumb to life’s wear ; But so as Time flies, The ayor never dies— That is, not the Abstract Lord Mayor! Abstract Kings may exist here and there, But a fig for people don’t care. Abstract Sultan and Pope _ For their sway have no scope Like the sphere of the Abstract Lord Mayor ! Upstanding, with all our heads bare, Let us drink the Ineffable Pair ; Here’s a health to the Twain As one monarch who reign— The Concrete and the Abstract Lord Mayor! Demand and Supply. No wonder there is the tremendous activity in trade in Chemicals proclaimed at the Guildhall dinner, with the demand for fireworks in high places! There can be no immediate fear of a change of Ministers, or the com- merce in Chemicals would hardly be as brisk as Lord BEgaconsFIELp declares it is. Puzzled Frenchman, (Aside.) “HA! on Inrerpr®re AMBULANT! ! BONNE Inge! FAUT-IL PRENDRE, 8’IL VOUS PLAfT, POUR ARRIVER AU Muske px Sours QUINZINQUETON ?” HAPPY THOUGHT! QUELLE (To Sandwich-Man.) Panpon, Monsrzun TOLR, MAIS PAR ov ST. MARK’S IN DANGER. Venice is the wonder of the world; St. Mark’s is the wonder of Venice. For eight centuries that marvellous Byzantine temple has the glory of the Sea City, for its fair and fantastic within and without, its arches, colonnades, and domes, its pillars and vaults its mosaics and marbles, its dusky splendour of venerable age, and its perennial beauty of everlasting youth. For eight centuries this Sea-shrine has stood, unharmed essentials by men or elements. We see it, in a picture of GenTILE BELLINI, as it was in the fifteenth cen ; and such, in the main, itis still, save for some modernisation of the mosaics. Time has, indeed, made the fabric even more beautiful, spreading a reverential veil over its fair face, and giving venerable and touch- ete eee ae eee gen oe in and about it without ceasing uu fifteen years irreverent and ill-guided hands first began grand old ile, stripping off old marble te replace it what e an ugly patch on a old even more recently, north | everywhere dead rule and line for free flow and curve instinct with “Thus bad begins, but worse remains behind.” | They are proposing now to go to work on the West Front !—they | are going ‘‘ to strike at the face”—as Cassar recommended his sol- diers to do—to mar the beauty which past time has ted, and which of a surety, present time has no power to mend, however much it may have to mar. rampant ‘‘ restorers’ will have a fine field. ere will be mosaics to pick at in the vaults; surface in | work in stone and marble te patch ; capitals to re-cut, and shafts to repolish and replace; in short, there will be the old fagade to freshen, as you refresh the face of an ancient beauty, with rouge and rl- wder, and enamel. And very much what the old beauty’s fres we is to the natural look of rev and self-respecting age, will the restored West Front of Saint Mark’s be to that front as we now see it in the grace of its ancient beauty.! The whole civilised world is bound to protest. Cambridge has already spoken out. Oxford has followed suit. Birmingham has struck in, in the name of industrial land. The Society for the Protection of Ancient Buildings has wp its voice in a memo- rial to the Italian Minister of Works. Punch adds his roo-ti-too-it to this chorus of consternation, pleads y, in sw of the Society, at least for delay and further consideration of the mat- ter—believing, as the Society believe, that ‘‘ any rebuilding of the Sacade of St. Uark’s Church, any renewal of its beautiful able surface, will be an irreparable misfortune to Art”—that “if there be any. ss in the structure, it is within the power of science to restore its stability, removing a stone or alteri /an inch of surface,” that ‘if that surface be tampered with, | will disappear for which the facade is now valued, nor will it ever | be possible to bring it back again.”

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232 PUNCH, OR THE

HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. (Being a Dickens of a mea am | - the use of Visitors to the ADLER’S ‘id

called Sad-leers Wells. The history of the tani romantic. Mr. Sanier was brought uy from hood as an orphan. One night he had a dream, in which e t winged being appeared to him, and told Isling—so ed from the boyish game of fashion—where he would find his long-lost father. arose, went to Isling Town, and there he met an vag) vy oe who embraced him affectionately, and informed him he was Mr. Sapien Senior. “Ah!” exclaimed the youth ecstatically, as he stood by the ancient fountain, “‘ then, now that SapLzr Junior has seen you, he has at last discovered his Pa!” The people, by acelamation, at once named the place “‘ Sadler, His Spa!” Their joy knew no bounds, but found lots of springs, and thence- forward The Wells, where “a” came to be cured of their —_ became a fashionable lounge. Y SapLER made a fortune, an allowed his father so much a week, which caused the old gentleman to go home every Saturday a “‘ Sadler and a wiser man.” SADLER Junior, was saddled with many cares, and had several hobbies which he never liked anyone to cross. He brought ee very strictly, and leathered them for the slightest fault. y could not rebel, as their father was a fine strapping fellow, and it was no good their hiding themselves, as their excellent parent preferred hiding them himself. He left a large sum of money, in small fly “‘tanners,” and he did not forget to commemorate the vision of the beautiful winged creature, by building the Angel at Isli , and also a theatre, where the wings were displayed to the best advantage on the stage. Sadler’s Wells are historic. Here Dispr di and Hoearrs drew the water. Here Branam such notes that sounded as if a trumpet used to bray ’em, and here =e Epmuwp, showed his keen wit. Here the k,” T. P. Cooxn, blessed his dear eyes, and never played in an piece without a hitch ; and here the great clown, who was day, was funny all night. The late Mr. Poetrs was so deservedly successful here, by energy and his own self-help, that the proverb ran, ‘‘ Heaven Phelps them that Phelps themselves.” Scotch 1s ooteeanent, just now, as Rob Roy is at present attraction, and friends from the North won’t leave wi t “‘ Makin’ a veesit to Sadler’s Weels,”—and if the Weels are only kept the runs will be certain, and the common weal of er’s be <, Saas CHESS ow Three Castles eee , verything on square. Chessmen su y awn-brokers only. check once given, can’t be ~ Bae A ST. GEORGE'S HALL.—Where the well-known GERMAN I angham ” 2 oe upee Rents, it is now the only A y m “ Rerp’s ” though the same Sats Rees trend a have also a Blchop the Bishop of Bt. George's, a ’Atr Reep.” ey have a 8, who is Primus inter Pares. Then there is Mr. Connery Graiw should change his name to Mr. Piane Grary, instrument he plays, and never on the corney. he has something about Dolls, which everyone, children from sixty downwards, says is quite doll-ightful ! LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Novemper 22, 1879.

ST. JAMES’S CLUB.—One of the Clubs dedicated to a Saint, but whether St. James the Greater, or St. James the is uncertain. Perhaps at the East End of London there may be a Burglars’ Club appropriately called the ‘‘Jemmy.” But why a Diplomatic Club p -" at St. somes of Spain, has Beuslet pany Ragicle. gists, and several waggy-ologists too. in being the country o onions and oranges, do dédtention woul ve been intelligible had it been the Aromatic Club instead of the Diplomatic, where Scotch- men could be eligible, on condition of their keeping up a touch of Gaelic, or Garlic, in their conversation. Havin copied to the Club porter for information, our rip-porter (who y can’t be depended on) informed us that, to his question, ** Why is this called the St. James’s?”’ he received the answer, ‘‘ This ain’t James’s.” which it may be gathered that he went to the wrong house. ST. JAMES’S PARK.—St. James is mye by be recognised ag the patron of the most fashionable quarter of town, as he has a street, a club, a park, a church, a theatre, and a palace, dedi- cated to him; while St. George has only a street, a church, and a hall in Langham Place. The Park is celebrated as being the favourite resort of CHarLes THE Second, who was always hiding up in the trees, and feeding the ducks. One of the ducks was called Nex. Gwrwwe. Here also the game of Mall was played; hence the name of the walk, the Mall, which is not ‘‘ Mail” a propos. Here the Horse- Guards turn out daily in detachments, and protect the nursery- maids from the - p= which ht arise w the fri cows near the sweet-stuff booths behold the scarlet jackets of the military. The walk, where these cows and the milk-stalls and sweet-stuff booths are established, is called the Milky Whey. The sellers are a very mild, quiet set, presenting rather a cow'd a , and the women seem so kindly, that it must be iegens to “‘catch a Tartar” among them, though it is quite possible to find some Kurds. ST. JAMES’S THEATRE,—This , after through many hands, is now in the possession of the Rightful Hare. Mr. and Mrs. Kenpat are in it, too, which only shows that Mr. Hane, as the Scotch say, ‘‘ Kenn’d all aboot it” when he chose them for his allies. They have instituted a picture in the foyer with what view, or, rather, with what views, I don’t know, not having seen them ; for my part, I don’t believe that if the Actors don’t draw. the Artists will. ‘The House has been beautifully re-decorated, an is so successful, that it may now be fairly hoped that it will never be “‘ entirely done ~ ST. JOHN’S WOOD.—A pleasant semirural quarter of the town, divided between Lord’s and ies,—the former never showing so brilliantly as when the grounds are thronged by the fair sex, in breaks, drags, laudaus, victorias, and on their own pretty feet. ; Here in this — occur the most brilliant matches of the season. Here is one of the chief homes of art, where dwell artists, actors, poets, painters, birds of the Wood, who in their little nests agree, atin, as a rule, have feathered their little nests very ——e 8ST, PAUL’S CATHEDRAL. — Talking of nests at John’s Wood this may be considered as WREn’s nest. The Morning Service is held down-stairs, and is called ‘‘ Matins” on account of the ** eocoa-fibre mattins”’ used to deaden the sound of feet, while the Evening Service is held in the Whispering Gallery, and is hence called ** Vispers.” Visit the Dome where, for an extra sixpence, the attendant will sing Py Dulce Dome-um, which has a very fine effect. Goup tothe . The Ball has been objected to by thought- less persons as useless, but that it is not so is evident from the fact of there being so many Canons on the premises. Three are always required to be jin readiness for active Morning and Evening Service, but two Canons can always be Jet off at once, On public occasions the Lozp Mayor has by right his own stall, called The Mayor’s Nest, the Military are a ae the Canons and the sailors sit in the Nave-y part of the building. At one time WREn’s Church had lost much of its sacred character, and had become a place of rendezvous, or rather of Wren-day-view, being a mere show like Madame | haat or the Crystal Palace. On a changé tout cela, or very nearly. SALTERS’ COMPANY.—A Company of devotees bound to pro- pr are, for the boy ut it’s ows now, and erently. Once a year the Company used to give a mystery-play called The White Horse of the Peppers. SAN ee — ate » Meee a ee the original aterloo was fought, e original Napoleon Gomersal tapped his snuff-box, and the Great Duke qaastnst, “ Up, Guards, and at them!” to half-a-dozen supers hidden ground row representing a corn-field. These glorious departed. The From a days are ars of the Roses have left onl a Thorn behind them—Miss Saran THorne—who is at the present moment conduct- ing the theatre. There is no Cireus entertainment just now, as this excellent Lady’s hobby appears to be simply a well- The Genius of the Ring will no doubt return here about Christmas- time with the Scenes in the Circle, the Military Master, and the eve Mr. Merriman, THE SAVAGE CLUB.—Their Wigwam is in Covent Garden, and is one of the pleasantest resorts in London for the white man

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 233 November 22, 1879.] wishing ing to smoke the calumet of, . The Savages belong to ious tri ia-tri ae hp uded. The Chief is the well- Tommy Hawx. The walls are hung with the scalps of their slain w: on the war-path. There are ” who have seats in the Upper are kindly disposed. Some of ty fashion, and are ready to rum, and roe round peg eir faces at night, eee 4 ii ii ine-men are it is most useful to ion to the various ~ _figure,and take with it. No wonder I was the other doy otates by @ paragraph ed “* Bur- nishing Backbones,” in Design and Work of Novy. 1. Here it is:— “BurnNIsHINeG Backpone. —If you want to burnish your backbone to perfection, you must be prepared to devote some considerable time to it. The way to set about it is first to preews a rough file and an old knife, peice ha tools 8c off as much paint as you ome Ghen burn Wf the re- mainder by means of a gas-jet and blow-pipe. The next pro- cess is that of cross-graining for which a very fine file and plenty of emery-cloth (two sizes) are only requisite. Wrap the file round with a piece of coarse emery-cloth, then rub it down the backbone with con- siderable force, taking care not to rub crossways ; after which take another piece of emery-cloth, twist it round the backbone, and twist a piece of tape round that, then one end and then the other, so as to cut the grain at right angles. this cross-graining process is repeated several times, proceed with French paper and whiting, in the same manner, only without a file.” There! I said I took pains with my figure; but think of the pains this sort of treatment would cost me! Well may the writer conclude—‘“‘ If you follow out these instructions, you be greatly pleased at the result.” One ought to be, after one’s backbone has en filed, burned with gas-jet Fs Mow-s e, and coenp quate with coarse emery-paper, strong , and whiting! Isn’t it per- rahe oy might be’ willing to submit to all this n result. eall wand act on the rule, “‘ I/ faut souffrir pour étre belle.” But when these tortures have been through, how can anybody see that one’s backbone Aas been bur- nished ? And if they could be seen, are i becoming? They ought to be, seeing what one must go through to burnish them. Yours, dear Mr. Punch, Poor Lirrtz Wasp- Waist. Cantabit Vacuus. Pipes the Padishah : ‘Tat blood from a stone hard squeezing gets none, 80 as hard as he please Reglesa'e Klch as as 3 , He gets nothing out of ast seaman A QUESTION FOR THE CITY. Comptarnt has been made that the Department of Customs is never represented at the Lord Mayor’s Banquet at Guildhall. Is this inattention to Customs quite consistent with manners ? HONORARIUM. THene is an i round, headed the ‘‘ Guinea Jaw.” Is it from a young Barrister who would be happy to take a brief marked one-pound-one, and make a speech ? THE POPULAR CANDIDATE FOR THE SCHOOL BOARD. (As he ought to be, and is, he flatters himself.) Frrenps anp FeiLow CounTRYMEN Ly a few days you will be u for Candidates for the new School Board. ual credit to your heads and hearts, you have asked my aid solestion m. I know, my dear friends, that you are anxious should t you here. R i Kt -y tion you represen you ma 1. "The London Schoo! Boar: will do to keep mn to record your votes ith a feeling which does in your that | ten, & oo lenpertant os the Rage st Se Aye . —especi swimming for both sexes, may know how to om ticks beiis dieve eeber—a. knowledge more essential rich, . squabbles about unimportant details. ‘‘ When the cat’s away the tales will play,” and when the cats are quarrel- ling they might as well be away. By c of education we hope in the end to turn mice and tabbies into a ppy family. In the meanwhile the cats must be on the watch, or mice will be too many for them. i 4. When there is a good woman-candidate on your list vote for her. Ceteris paribus, a woman-candidate has at once a claim and a pull in her sex. e woman knows children better and feels for them more than the man, she is naturally, as well as by housekeeping habit, more sensible of the importance of making the two ends meet—the two ends in this case being economy and efficiency in elementary education. : There, friends and fellow-countrymen, you have my simple words of warning and of wisdom, : You like my popgremine—chert and simple as it is—and wish to elect me? I should be only too glad to serve you. But—usually an unpleasant word, is it not?—I have other things to do ot even ater importance to the world at large than filling a seat in the ig red house on the Thames Embankment. Still, however disap- payee you may be to hear this, do not be discouraged. Failing me, nd out the candidates who will endorse my rules, and return them at the top of your respective Polls, - On your heads be it! Do this, and receive the blessing of your faithful friend, critic, and adviser, 85, Fleet Street. PUNncm. The Eve of the True Feast of St. Scholastica, Reticence and Rhubarb. Ir may be that Lord BEACONSFIELD, at Guildhall, laid no undue stress on the increasing export of ‘‘ chemicals,” regarded as an indication of reviving business. ‘Let us that not one of these chemicals will prove a drug in the mar But taking drugs as included amongst “‘ chemicals,” the Premier didn’t say a word on a particular drug about which everybody expected some inform- ation—Turkey Rhubarb. The Good of India. ** Waar has land done, for India?” This question appears to have been satisfactorily answered i Director-General of Statistics to the Indian Government, Dr. W, W, Huwren. Dr. Hunter can furnish some reply to the question, f has England got by India?” Little more, short-sighted cynics will be apt to say, than gorged livers, grass- , chudders, chutney, ve a different answer. and curry. ise men Taxrxe A New Tury.—It’s time to put the screw on the Surtay, as nobody can screw anything out ¢f him without it. Perhaps “ t

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PUNCH, OR | CHARIVARLI. | (Novansss ‘33, 1679. A NEW DEFINITION. Paul (a most execrable Painter). “ Don’t KNowW THE DipFERENCE BETWEEN GENIUS AND MERE TALENT !—JusT pon’r.I, THOUGH ! Loox uexe! Ir a Fetitow kNows now TO PAINT, FOR INSTANCE, AND HE’S GOT PLENTY TO SAY FOR HIMSELF BESIDES, AND LOOKS LIKE A DOWNRIGHT CLEVER, JOLLY, SMART, WELL-DRESSED, WITTY, PLEASANT AND INTELLIGENT CHAP ALL ROUND, HE’S MERELY A Man or 7aLeyr. Tuat’s uz/” Peter (a more execrable Painter). ‘Ou, THAT’s You, 1s IT?” ‘aul. “Yes. Bur iF HE ONLY KNOWs HOW TO PAINT, AND CAN’T say ‘ Bon’ To A Goost, AND LOOKS AS IF HE’D JUST BEEN PROMOTED From Eartswoop To Cotwgry Hatos, ne’s a Geyius/” Peter. “ An! 1 suppose THat’s ws/” Paul. “‘ Yss—ir you onLy xyvew now To Painvr!” For new palladium! We must thank thee, Ben, “ CHEMICALS,” For teaching us that word! “‘ This fellow, Captain, os : . Will come in time to be a great distiller—” Jy take one —_ and one aay x and he omy stanaie- Of moonshine out of cucumber ?—Nay, not so ure of Chemicals at isa branch of our in which at t momen : ; is so active that the orders which pour in cannot y be executed,” —Lord _— ribald !—of Imperial LS pet and a Beaconsfield at the Mansion House. rom sounding nonqenes 6m ” Where now are the ‘‘ three profits, Tinle le riddle Covrace! Though harvests fail and taxes swell, Worthy of Merlin or the triad~mongers ? Burdens increase, and honour feels infect Surpassed, dulled, superseded, quite ecli With clinging stains, there’s comfort, comfort yet By—* Chemicals { ” “Oh, how e — tongue In—C oom x Hooray! ‘“ That blessed word Turns the sweet verbal morsel daintily Mesopotamia ”’ never — fell A word of “ first-rate interest !”’ Thore he stands With a more soothing calm on senile ears Arch- Master of alchemic ———— & full versed Than this last catchword from the cunnin In distillation and in transm’ Of the anes hraser. ‘‘ Chemicals!” ims are ** Magic of Patience!” Who should better know Who deficits or duties shirked ? Its might than he? But there be other charms ; Of wi > daamunaar tones Gisaaihenn # And as poor dazed Ophelia could turn Of wanton wars or raes-cuspee policies ? ** All pom al bo favour and to prettiness,” There is one answer, clear, a So he to popularity Fe ney Fools, to miss the secret Makes +t dm minister, in all things finds Sphinx-found at 1" of cheer and ane His Chemicals! n= e saw ye not, sweet angels in disguise, alm—the aura ae Flask-hidden, carboy-covered. Now, we know In: his bellows ; but of genuine gold There ’s safety in sulphuric acid, solace [raat cuteeme? Fairy coin that turned to leaves Ved eek “ Arsenic, Tay of dacle. Bat sow Ti Vitriol, sal-tartar Heth its ed y of dazzle. But Time Cinoper,” and a a ueer-named drugs Works er transmutation (than the tricks That Rare ~~ By need 5 abt never knew, o - Nema ~ vy: solvent that — ur greater Subtle sees ** in mind’s eye ”— nam, Gon aoe Where lurks no hint of verdure—sees nA sets False interests, pinebbeck honours. In fair array before the feeding Britons, Truth finds the ‘ chemenis ” that test and try,

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oe PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novemner 22, 1879. foe? Cy ~~ thse, ‘ A Ne 4 NM SA pn OR, THE ALCHEMIST ; “THE MAGIC OF PATIENCE!”

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Novemper 22, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 237 In spite of Subtle’s shifts or Face’s flourish of teow. the tongue Of tiled har fade ard The bold farpeur his tribu The Sarceur his tribute of— of—a lena A REALLY LIBERAL TENANT.5 PPRECTATIVE Mr. Poncu, I seND you two extracts from letters of an oppressed | cri Irish Tenant, now owing five years arrears "of rent, at £13 a year. No, 1 was sent after the poor fellow had applied for re- duction of rent. No. 2is his answer to his cruel landlord’s offer of forgiveness of the arrears and a small sum in hand for quiet possession :— No. 1 (October). ‘*T don’t mean to put you to any trouble or expense in the matter. original rent was far too high ; no one could pay it.” Part ofthe inad being “ acres of that real bad situated ——” &c., &c. No. 2 (November). British Army is ey ae cnywhere to to-morrow, at five minutes’ notice, and to, march anys almost regret a fresh flare so soon ; but the Elections are + ele I can hit on nothing better. We are agreed ?” There was a low affirmative wail. Then the thirteen greatest men OE The at the ga’ oF the reat hy Ban ry qieat with he tread some a5 illustrious guests of the evening copia Beary up the ri ric 2 cera BuO SiS eeeeead in Coaage of eo hats bat cote never yet tremely depreased and _He has been here for A sigh of intense ny but -s can say grateful silence. ns Yeo, ” continues their chief, f, brightly, “we shall have no blaze —but an announcement! Y I tell you, Gentlemen, Afghanistan, South Africa, Turkey, pr pean: the Deficit—every- thing, in one glorious bit of news!” The Ministers hesitate no longer. They The Lord Mayor hears it five rooms off, Premier continues— “Yes, Gentl ” he says, “ fear for the future, for [ have a g one that will calm the country and toevenee ” His colleagues can not cheer now. They are trembling with excitement. “Yes,” they ask together, in husky chorus, ‘‘ you are going to announce —— ?”’ The Premier looks at them exultingly for a moment. Then, in a A clear treble, he tells his golden secret. ‘I am going, ” he to announce an increase in the demand for chemicals y ringing cheer. , But the we a oy your turtle, and have no announcement to e— give us life—aye—for another AN ALPHABETICAL INSECT. Germany is announced to have been invaded b Md an enemy fit to rank, as a destroyer of the fruits of the pe cart, with the Phyllozera vastatriz and fee Colorado upon the sugar naniens prp-cgeee is a sort of larva that preys u a whic e 8, y | especially i in Saxony and Hano xd sid hae suffered Mey ravages severely. It is described a he of the Gamma Moth ; but, considering that its speciality homes in ~ 4 FA beet, some ‘nomenclators would prefer to toe it the Beta Moth. At a meeting of the Society for the Promotion of Beet Sugar Industry, “* Would you allow half the arrears, and then let me sell my good-will to | at H. a suitable tenant ?’’ And these are the men who are called unreasonable! my ¢ when I subscribe myself, -_ Meat Punch, I blush for Intsh LANDLORD, GLORIOUS NEWS! A Fragment of Political Romance. * * . * * Tue Cabinet Council was over. The Ministers rose with whitened faces. The Indian lay in a swoon with his head in a waste- The First Lord of the Admi- Ministers crumpled up large tng-papersimenly between thelr fingers, as airering. All felt the crisis was at py dmet. er. He alone stood erect. “ieee phenigme ntl He spoke to inconvenience.” y wit bow. The Prime Minister t his colleagues. sai Pras a aed agi i ‘ore us but a blaze. Duke wil light usual after-dinner conviction that the ‘* Among the best means of exterminating the pest, the caterpillar machine was greatly approved.” At the a prea Ispeclio and. guenate cabibitien of the A —, H the teauirer wll enabled, for the he font C9) It is w = of sansadk Gah, on Wee cotslat chove seheaned to— “Among the greatest natural enemies of the insect the starling and the sparrow were especially mentioned.” quitte s nsto ct Gis, en sien 8 Glee crneepes, ond semember sparrows are useful for ion of a many other mischievous insects, set tho sasnpiliar of dhe Gemae or Beta Moth. British Sienee call peokeciees delle soar feathered benefactors, instead of ibing, persecuting, and endeavourin, render their species extinct. A PAIR OF DRAWERS. ** Tuts is the Jew that Suaxspzare drew,” Of Mackiin’s Shylock critics once could Bay; ** This is the Jew that London drew,” Of Invine’s Shylock holds as true to-day. wuat “THE WREATH” HAS COME TO. Tue brows of Lord Beacowsrietp at Madame Tussavn’s. Punch said it would, and it has.

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PUNCH, OR THEiLONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 22, 1879. > ~ o e » ELUCIDATION! Rector’s Wife. “‘How po you po, Mr. Wicctes! We HAVE NOT SEEN You aT CavRcH LATELY! Have You BeEN away!” Mr. Wiggles. “‘ Yes, Mo’m, 1’ve BEEN A-VISITIN’ MY OLD ’AUNTs AT Mawcuester, Mvu’s.” Rector's Wife. “ Reatty! I wore you rounp THE OLD LADIES QUITE WELL.” Mr. Wiggles. “‘1 pipyw’t say mY Harnts, Mo’m—I saip my OLD ’AUNTS—REVISITIN’ THE ’AUNTS 0’ m¥ YoutH, you Kyow, Mu’m!” i is ? don, M iselle !— i - SOCIAL ILLUMINATION : eo Par on, Mademoiselle !—permit me—— (Struggles for : } Ha! You assault me for nosing! But tof to bea goer z etter ! tudies his collar. -_ — - SS ae . Policeman X. Who are ay a-talking to? Just you stand back Scunk—A central metropolitan thoroughfare on the night of a can’tyer? ’Ow d’you think ’Ansoms is to git by, with you a-shovin General Illumination, Orderly Crowd in motion. Enter a Born inthe road like this? Stand back—I tell yer! L ssists him to do it. Briton, with his better half and daughter, accompanied by Favourably-impressed Foreigner. But it is infame! Mon Dieu! Favourably-impressed Foreigner. I tell yn Isallto— | [Is hustled into midst of Orderly Crowd. Favourably-impressed Foreigner (halting before a gas-star). Ah,|, Orderly Crowd (sportively). Now, then, Mossoo, where did you mais c'est magnifique! Voila ce que j’admire! It is your indé-|’ave your ’air cut last? Go ‘ome, and git your tea, will yer? Take pendence! Each ’ouse shall light Tmeelf up! = his’at. Yah !—easy now! | , : - Born Briton (with pride). Yes, Mossoo, there’s no use denying Favourably-impressed Foreigner is carried off his legs, and it,—we'’re ahead of you in these kind of things. Your Shongs swayed helplessly to and fro for some minutes. — — Eleesay Show is all very well, but it ain’t spontaneous like this.| _ Born Briton (jammed face to face with the area-railings). This is And then look at the crowd! Why, a child could manage ’em ! disgraceful! A set of ruffians, too, who—— : Favourably-impressed Foreigner. How zey are bons enfants! I [Has a handful of wet flour clapped on tu his mouth. admire somuch your Jomw Butt in ze street. He is quite le’igh-life| Mrs. Born Briton Porvereieae Good s! Apotpaus! gentlemans! I do not even perceive one of dose excellent police-| Help! ‘They're choking him! Police! Help! Police! (Receives mans. (Enter Policeman X. with a rush.) Ah! Sapristi! Qu’est ‘the contents of a baghul of the same ay, on the top of her bonnet.) que c’est done ? Oh! Thieves! Help! I can’t see elp = aa ‘ Policeman X. (wedging Favourably-impressed Foreigner, Ais pees t ysterics. party, and Orderly Crowd tightly Rete — -post and adjacent| Orderly Crowd (good-humouredly). Take away the old ’oman’s area-railings). Now, stand back, will yer? ( * round, extends | brandy-bottle! Lock’er up! Yah! sats i and reclines on them.) Furth-er back! Furth-er back! oft ie — ten Sect off). It’s disgraceful! The cowards! ‘orn Briton (compressed). is is infamous! ar , if I were aman! ioe ? —s Orderly Crowd (gallantly). Brayvo! Wouldn't you give it some- Mrs. Born Briton (more compressed). Police! Oh! Hoy! some- | body ’ot t ful? [She is with mud. body, or I shall be killed! ome lh increases.) Oh, dear !— avourably-impre. ee ig aero 3 4 his feet by —_— and Awertra—Oh ! [ Goes into hysterics. fort, and struggle towards her). Brutales! Laches Angelina. Well, I'm sure,—oh, you horrid man ! ? : —~ 1. priest, you! But ow men, are they Receives half of an improm backward lunge from en beasts can ey are lische C Palio, ¢ ane f | Orderly Crowd, Ain’t we, though ? We'll soon show yer! Favourably-impressed Foreigner (receiving the other half). Ah‘ They squirt a pint of dirty water into his eyes, and playfully mon Dieu! But are we, den, brigands, that he boxe us in chest | c Mey oa et tal on he heed as Boone chow’, Tip the young lady a go

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Novemper 22, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE

, ' on™

NO TYRANNY! Tae members and United Kingdom Alliance at Peterborough and pee by a happy th t, invited the Dean HE pe — to take in a meeting in that town on Wednesday last week, in favour of * local According to request, the Dean on the Temperance Pilat- form, thence delivered an address on the side of genuine sobriety. “ He did not wish to appear there under false colours. He agreed with the previous speakers as to the awful consequences of drunkenness, and he believed that total abstinence was the only cure for the habitual drunkard. There he must stop; he could not go one atom further. He was not a total abstainer himself. He had tried it three times, and he believed if he had not taken stimulants, as his medical attendant told him, he should not have been there speaking to them then. He did not admit the necessity for every one to be a total abstainer, and not admit : = 2 what he believed to be an absolutely false prin- . ra) ciple, that the abuse of drink was an argument \ ws, against its use. They might just as well say that the polygamy of the Turk was an argument 5; gyi unit | etsliill against marriage as that the abuse of drink was an argument t its use He did not like to be tyrannised over by a majority, and he ih j would resist it to the death... . was frequently cheered.” | Perhaps the parties who cheered the Vv ewan and Very Reasonable speaker were disciples of Sir Wu.raip Lawson converted by the Dean of Peter- BOROUGH'S just remarks from compulsory teetotalism. The rest would do well duly to sory on oe — Sm pee that ‘‘he did not like yrannised over by a majority, und he would resist it to the death.” A tyrannical majority is to the victims of its | qeney a collective i, - just as detest- | able as an individ despot; and who | that, scorning to be a slave, would resist | the one to death, would not, to the best of | his ability, with all his might and main, | resist the other ? adherents of the) “ill tan To Wi pall Mi a All

1

you ’p BUY ME ong!” New Rattway OPeRA, LIKELY TO HAVE) A Loxe Ruy.—Pullman Car-men. Wy" ‘* Og, MAMMA, DID YOU SEE THOSE PRETTY FLOWERS IN THAT ConseRVATORY! I wisn ‘* Ir WOULD FADE BEFORE you cor Homes, Darina.” ““WovuLp iT? Now, Buys pon't raps, Mammal”

A HINT.

LAMP-LIGHT ON STREET-NAMES AND HOUSE- NUMBERS. THE o- echoes Punch on the nuisance of unlighted street- names and house-numbers; and Punch is glad, in his turn, to echo the Graphic. A recent writer in that journal graphically describes a wretched being driving to dinner, after dark, in an ill-lighted suburb, cursing wy Ky - = ga <_< eraning —- his Ng yh to roar ver ; or on ,» on a rainy, gusty night, getting his um- brella blown inside out, himself blown up by indignant parlour- maids and eee, at tha nigh at wrong doors in _ Ay. search ight house, an y reaching hi irtied, and in a mood the reverse of festive. for this painful picture ? Londoner still to wait, after Punch has Vestries and District Boards to paint the of houses on the street-lamps, that i -growing chaos of London may read night as well as by day? The nuisance is easy. There is no v interest, is the thing still todo when London wants Do it” several times ?

CONTRASTS. (Picked up in the City during the Lord Mayor's Show.) A Mowpay Popular—Mr. Antuvur Cuarrett. A Monday Un-popular—Sir Cuoantes Wuetuam. THE HANDWRITING ON THE WALL. | Me. Cuampertarx, addressing the Leicester Liberals the other day, informed them that— “ He rejoiced to think the end of the bad dream was approaching. The handwriting was upon the wall.’’ | The end of the bad dream may be approaching, and at Leicester, ibly, the handwriting is indeed u the wall. But in and about don, at any rate, there is no writing on is i — ithat there can be any. There is, in fact, room for none. very Spare epee which ae might once neze been aes, is enormous posters monstrous, horrible, hideous illustrated advertisements headed by all manner of staring carica- tures in glaring colours. The bill-sticking on the wall has effectually ousted the handwriting.

A Sign of the Times, We read how, in hard times, men may be found in China to sell themselves for execution. But what must times be in Manchester when people are asked to sell their own bodies for sausage-meat. Yet this is what we find in the Guardian of a few days ago : O SAUSAGE-MAKERS.—WANTED, a respectable MAN to make own meat into first-class sausages, at once.—Apply, &c. And yet a heartless Premier can talk about the revival of trade !

VEsTIGIA RETRORSUM FoR ONCE (for the Russians in Central Asia) —A Steppe backwards, from Geok Tépé to Tchikislar.

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240 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 22, 1879. STARTLING REVIVALS OF THE FITTEST. (With Mr. Punch’s Compliments to Lord Beaconsfield.) ne follow- letters have been at 85, Fleet Street, the last Nov. 11, 1879. i the use of arti- | ficial hair by Ledios, except fn tes of fronts.for elderly parties, almost unknown, &c. by tons. » We ma he i, LEY — in blane de perle, —_ = rs, 7:4 rouge, © @ very ‘promising } the past three seasons. We inelose our rice list and remain Your grateful and o iged Servants, UZZLE AND FRIZzELt, The Youthrestorium, Piccadilly, W. Perfumers, §c., &c. Hownovrep 81k, 12th Nov. 1879. Iw the hurry of the moment Lord yee A 2 the City Banquet evidently forgot to allude to one branch paduetey | which of late has been by leaps and bounds. We al | to the sale of by 3 -picks. Your obedient Servants, Crutcn, Sricx, & Co | (Next door to = he Frischy Theatre, S.W.) : | Mx. Powcn, Sr 13th Nov. 1879. I apmire Lord Braconsrrexp; Ede, 1 upon m wa. He is one of us, and we are proud of him! ‘Oh! he is « man, Mr. Punch, he is i S eueee auee aaneds | clever! so ! so cute! don’t you know. Oh! he is « beautiful man, Mr. Punch, he is indeed ! And he is so truthful ! I would as soon believe him as my own brother, Mr. Punch! Sooner, for Aaron sonst chong te ba ued, Mr. Punch. Ido believe Aanon would sell his own mother, Punch, I do indeed! He has no feelings, no sentiments ! But he is a beautiful man for all that ! “Well as Thave already uid, T would as soon trust Lord B NSFIELD as my own brother. at that, Mr. Punch !/ ” Oh, I aancneaperenerignant : FIELD, I have indeed ! But I don't think Lord Bra ly, Ba be ignored vy age Ff ae ustry pL A, Le are ~-—- BL been in the trade, man and boy, for over years), I have never known “paper” so plentiful as it is just now. money flow- ing into the Exchequer from Stamps alone must be somet enormous! Enormous! It must indeed! But perhaps if Lo BraconsFreLp had mentioned this indnetry. & might have brought dene, jhe zate af interes, ome 50 ign i le! Oh yes, Lord Bracowsrrecp is man, and never eagete be bectaens We are proud of him, Mr. Punch! Look t that, we are proud of him! ern gots friend, OSES Sotomow Sur ocx. The Hermitage, re the fio Pausilly Flats, i rw . at 8.—Should you jee . introduce a young eke by“ very oats’ commissions), S ed better a = trading name, Curtin & Co., November 14th, 1879. Sr, For obvious reasons, as a servant of the Government I am obliged to segues you to keep my name a secret. Bgacons- FIELD at the Guildhall took iy be pm eh ee apd He seemed — that ood tid turned, at last, in st to : Con- servative Government !— rosperity was, at in store for us. His Lordship carefully pore the increase in the various branches of industry, but, strange to say, ¥ overlooked two trades which were never more prosperous t the present moment. As the supervisor of a great number of hands, I can honestly declare that the greatest possible activity reigns in mat-making and oakum- picking. Yours very truly, A Governor. November 15th, 1879. Lorp BgaconsFreLp’s remarks at A Guildhall Banquet have filled us with delight. Until we had his Lordship’s word for the contrary, we were under the impression that the revival in chemicals was rather due to the war between Chili and Peru and her allies, than the growing prosperity of Great Britain. It is a matter of sincere congratulation that the point is settled once and for ever. We cannot conclude our letter without oxproning mg that the present Ministry =, long remain in power BEacons- FIELD ron’ the business in our trade would of a necessity considerably from the loss of his custom and patronage. Your obedient Servants, The Powder Magazine, SMOTHER AND SPARKS, Ratcliffe Highway. Firework-Manufacturers. County Gaol, Loamshire. BETWEEN THE LINES. Over a Government Leader aie Lord B.’s Speech at the Mansion Ir disappoints Liberals tly (that ’s balm !), But we bear it with po «nl hical calm (Rad Journalists dished E a poe + 's a lark ! But need Dizzy have kept us so much in the dark ?) The wege of our Premier none ean forecast. (Humph ! that cuts both ways though). Rememb’ring the past, This tame — look Cee for surprise when he rises, is time the surprise is—he springs no surprises. On the voice of our Oracle seldom of late Have we seen all the world with such eagerness wait. Expecting—well anything save what bad sho tii doveneal I know was a beastly ba t),— Not a whisper anent the political crisis, (Ben always will se as the high-priest of Jes) Dissolution? not he! He avoids the polemi His speech is cool, chatty, consoling, and chemical. (What the deuce, by the wa Ys does he mean by the latter ? Ia’t like his ‘‘ three profits,” mere ear-tickling chatter ? ) On the Liberal ardours and hopes what a damper ! (The worst of it is that on ome it must hamper.) Not a tip about Turkey: can’t have lost sight o ho dosen't throw Bight ox the theme, he make lig. erie) me kudos to Lytton & Co. We may hint We had hopes.—(Stay ! I'd better —— it in — But what are his intentions? He’ Perr: - And too much of the Sphinz, after ail, is a plague He’s sanguine about our supremacy, very, And so makes the Rads and Conservatives merry. ’Twere unpatriotic to question him—(though Po ae ! dear BunGy, we SHOULD like to know.) t Trade is improving ’tis pleasant to hear, ae lucky his speech comes so late in the year /) hits at Ould Oireland may raise up some ered (But, Pat’s alwa ogy =p tae Splat cnet ny a8 }. hough the eek is a fine one—who ventures to doubt it P— There 1s more of the guest than the statesman about it ; A lively ingenious post-prandial lay Bat | pate my Well wo! NET dati ow. But I mssst—sotto voce—say one could have wis. Peroration or none—) Well the Rads he has dished, And if Norracorr’s hnancial rose-pink will but stick (And didn’t the Chancellor lay it on thick ?) All yet may be well. Though we may not quite: _— To all Dizzy’s dodges, we won't ( 0} sramblp But raise (spite of ard times, or dark igus sinieter) Three times three, and one more for our plucky 1 Pine it inister ! (Goes resolutely to press—on brome dm pes paper. To Betiy-cEerEents.—Even to steady troops rash ’uns are indis- | Professi A Cag ee pensable. ae ater 6 To Consusrowpawts.— The Bditor does not hold hirnself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. should be kept.

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teormreriris Noveusss 29, 1879.] _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL PUNCH TO HIS PRINCESS. Alexandrine Ode for Dec, 1st, 1879. Eoome hundred years have poses wd Since Dane and onl tote j joined in fra And Henest’s White Horse to stem the sway Of the Black Raven strove. ’Tis sixteen years since, in fair hour, Our Princess left her northern’ ower, To conquer England by the power None may te, of Love! Punch, now as her willing slave, Welcomes the day’s return, that gave His Princess i Denmark’s wave, And prays, in verse too mean For its sweet subject, God to save His Princess, Hearts’ Queen ! What! Sixteen years! It seems but now That Fleet Street saw him to her bow— Ah me !—he well remembers how His heart gave one great thump, When o’er that sweet face flashed a smile Sweeter than graced the mile on mile Of welcome and good will, the while Those bright eyes scanned his hump! Yes, sixteen years! With you ’twere.base To hint at years, but that I trace Each year new sweetness in your face, As if your kind years run Each with the gift. of some new grace, Outdoing what they ’ve done. , ’Tis not that Punch—as leal as wise— Loves less his QuEEN by closer ties, Though she but +! glade ah Pacha From ** The absent still are in Ay ad So runs a French saw current arent lon : Be. Punch ’s a a eralty is strong. Sogo Pers i . Hs ere live his Princess rare, ie Lang ive i Princ ran w > it years, as you move, Bring her no care but how to bear The burden of our love! THEN AND NOW. OLD STYLE. Scewr.—Study of a Statesman of the Eighteenth Century. States- man of the Period discover Anishing his fourth bottle of Port. Enter his Private Secretary, much disturbed. Secretary. My Lord! in what words shall I couch my tidings ? Statesman of the Period, Tidings! What tidings? Nay, I must know. f ic!) What the plague are you fumbling at? Speak out, ng be d——d to you! . My Lord, the Leader of the Opposition ~ dared to hint a pe — whe Statesman of the Period, Confound it, you puppy! dine oS Wh do you—(hic /)—hesitate ? etary. Because I dread the consequences of my communica- tion, my Lord. The fact is, the potte fs Leader of the Opposition has dared to express a doubt of your 8 veracity ! Statesman of the Period. What, rags St ime doubt of my— (hie ‘\—veracity! Odd’s pistols and triggers! (Staggers to his Jeet, ae without a moment's hesitation.) Give me my sword and cloak! Tell him I shall be—(Arc ')—glad to have the honour to meet him on the usual ground—behind the ring in Hyde Park ! ( Exit to fight a duel, NEW STYLE. Scene.—Study of Statesman of the Nineteenth Century, Statesman of the Period discovered deep in his third cup of Tea. Enter his Private Secretary. Secretary. ay Lord. I regret to say the Duke has done it again! He is always at i Statesman of the Period. If the matter is of consequence, I shall be glad to hear the particulars. Secretary. He has once more accused your Lordship of uttering a deliberate falsehood. Statesman of the Period. Has he, ! P like him? (After two hours’ careful deliberation.) I think I ought to write to the Times. (Beit leisurely for the purpose. a BRIEF HINTS. Powcm has seen the announcement of a handy volume, me a Barrister in Actual Practice,” entitled, Hints on Advocac acy, Useful for Practice in any of the Courts, with Suggestions as to Opening a Case, Examination-in- Chief, Cross-Examination, Re- Examination, Reply: Conduct of a Defence in a Criminal Trial, &e., &e., Ke. his own compendium of such a prone which, if not eae to superior temples of Themis, will, at least, good for the County or Police Court. 1. Find out the oe of your client’s pocket, and draw your fees sccnsaer advanc our Junior Clerk take instructions. (This saves trouble. ) 3. pra for an adjournment, as soon as the case is called. (By this means you will obtain a second fee.) 4. Let the Judge or Magistrate do all the work (they like it) ; and whenever His Honour (or ‘‘ Worship,” as the case may be) says anything funny, be convulsed with si ent laughter. 5. Say as little as you cam yourself, and do not try to be the least —_ or witty. Should po client gain his cause, rise and denounce his nent, and ask for costs, Should he lose it, shrug your shoulders, and tell him he would have been worse off but for you. 8. R any event, send in a bill for further costs, after the case is conciu N.B.—B y following these instructions you are sure to gain the respect and esteem of your clients and all who may come in contact you. Reflection by Sir Wilfrid. SHAKSPEARE says :— “ Our pleasant vices Are made the whip to scourge us.” be enpestaliy the cag the iF when our plesenat vices take the Ph ye am (what call) “* lashins of liquor.” MOTIONS IN ARREST (OF JUDGMENT ’) Crap heads = three bellows- blowers 0 or — good ! But stop the wind that feeds their roars— Ah, if we only could! VOL, LXXVII,

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[Novewser 29, 1879. A CASUS BELLI: OR, STOPPING THE KABOBS AT CONSTANTINOPLE. \ From a s‘rictly wnauthentic Source.) For several days the cavasses of the British Embassy had been busy among the Purveyors of the Palace. At last their work was done. “ The supplies to the Yi/di Kiosk were cut off. The Papi- SsHAn’s kabobs were stepped—at the fountain-head ! The British Ambassador had been closeted with the Suiraw for a long and ap tly tem interview. i quick-eared wa outside royal sanctum had more than once caught the manly voice of Sir Henry high in storm, and the higher treble of the SvuLraw running through the whule gamut of remon- strance, from angry protest to hel wail. a ‘ your Excellency,” said the Suitay, tg ia u " require . any. Without it, I can do =o ae than I have done—nothing. By the beard of the Prophet, I can do no more!” “IT must now say farewell, “ Your Majesty has heard my summary of the situation,” returned the Am or. “A great many times,” interrupted the Scitan, with a sigh. “The future—nay, the very existence—of ‘Turkey de ~% upon your decision. My offers are like the Sibylline books—I shall ask more every time you t me an audi Pray reflect! Grant audience in half-an-hour.” “* As you will,” replied the Suirax, feebly, adding, with a melan- choly attempt at a smile, “I — your Excellency has not such a thing as a bun in your pocket f” “A bun ! ” exclaimed the British Ambassador, in surprise. ** No—no—of course you have not!” murm the Surtan. “It was but a jest. The Sultanas are fond of buns, and—methought I could have relished one. But, farewell! I will in you no r ” be the Ambassador made his bow, he noticed that the Su_tan was stealthily tightening his sword-belt.

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WAS YS \i FIN NICAN BR DEALER in! APNG STO dS Tua iT Bou re excnHn . ol eee ‘aes ! Li a \ «| WS yi “IN EXT Pat. ‘Do ve nuy Racs anp Bones were?” Merchant. ‘* We vo, PUNCH, OR THE LOND( / . is THe BES \ Cs \ \ Jigen IN CHARIVARI CR “RAN ae T PRICEY GIVEN m. RAGS KI CHEN STUFF s f TS FA RP ‘S ' ye hi i Hit WW Hill WY REMIS.” Surr.”’ a > ee I| Pat. “ Tay, be Japers! pur ME ON THE SceKates!!”’ = = “ Eureka!” cried Sir Hewry, in triumph, as he sprang down the steps of the Yildi Kiosk. ‘‘ At last I hold the key to the situation! I have the means of bending the stubborn Turk’s cast-iron will to any pattern that suits Her Britannic Majesty’s Government! ” * * An hour later the Ambassador was again closeted with the Surtay. As he entered the Presence, he bowed, and placed something hidden bya cloth on a golden side-table. The Father of the Faithful turned first red, then pale, as he drew a deep inspiration. Then, masterin his emotion under an appearance of indifference, he observed, ravenously, ‘‘A savoury odour! ’Tis long since such a smell has greeted our royal nostrils! ” ‘ ‘*T am afraid,” returned the Ambassador with a smile, ‘‘ that not only your Majesty, but all in the palace, have of late been on rather short commons ! “You dare to mock me!” shouted the Surtay, off his guard. ** Dog of a Christian! I believe it was you who stopped my credit at the butcher’s!” : Nay, Commander of the Faithful!’ remonstrated the imper- turbable Sir Henry. “Yes, you!’ roared the Surtay, in a fury. ‘”’Twas pF terda t the Palace tradesmen en masse refused further supplies ! Oh! but for one little hour of the bow-string! If I did not fear to raise a E war, by my beard! I would hang every dog of the pack over his own counter! ”’ Impassive, as with difficulty he mastered a triumphant smile, the Ambassad h = ? + angry “T “ And or continued— J should be no secrets between us. Your Highness is is no word for it,” murmured the wretched Monarch ; utely Goering 1” et there is food within your Highness's reach.” And the raised a corner of the cloth which veiled the en side table. our!” sighed the Suita, after a second inspiration, as moisture exuded from the corners of his mouth. ‘ By the beard of the Prophet! it is more than I can bear! What do you want of me?” The Ambassador briefly repeated his demands. Ten minutes later Bakex Pasna had received his appointment as Superintendent of Reforms throughout Asia Minor, Sir Heyxy LAYARD was telegraphing to England an account of his diplomatie triumph, and the Svxran, his sleeves tucked up, and a gold embroidered napkin under his imperial beard, was pitching fiercely into an enormous dish of the most appetising Irish stew. Prince Alamaypu. Son of Theodore, King of Abyssinia ; taken at Magdala, April 13, 1868. Died at Leeds (Ward of the Queen, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and the people of England), Now. 14, 1879. Buried, by the Queen's desire, at Windsor, Nov. 21. Poor Rassetas! Short thy life, but not unloved, And so not sad, let England hope and trust ; A kind Queen’s mother’s heart for thee was moved, And near her kin finds room for thy dark dust. From Tazroporvs—God of battle’s gift, To faithful hands thy childhood’s care we gave ; Love by thy death-bed heard thy simple shrift : And thou cam’st nearest kingship in thy grave. A Correction. Tue Duke of Ancrit has dared to say in his Leeds Speech that there was not a grain of truth in a recent utterance of the Marquis of Satissuny at Manchester, about Saenz Aut. The Duke is wrong. Mr. Anruvr Honuovse, late Legislative Member of Council, has oon that there was a grain of truth in the Marquis’s state- ment... . just a grain. Apropos or tHe Intsu Arnests.—If it were as easy to muzzle martyrs as to make ’em!

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244 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. “IMPERIUM ET LIBERTAS.” “ Nor deal in watchwords overmuch.”—Tannrsown.

Awotuer phrase! Not of new mintage—true But borrowed coinage now for Butt will do. 5 Poor Joun! phrase-fogged and bogey-scared so long, He needs tongue-trick to teach him he is strong, And, changing confidence for ing boasts, Ruffles all roosts, and thinks he rules all roasts. Imperium et libertas! How large, And how sublime the phrase! From marge to marge Of folly’s duck-pond how it seems to rise, An empyrean—to short-sighted eyes! Ample and antithetical the terms— Leave scrutiny of sense to drones and worms, Parochial pettifoggers, whose poor thought By dreams of Empire is not thrilled, nor caught Even by sounding Latin scraps and s. Yet those who test smart mots by acts and deeds May ask, ‘‘ What Empire?” Roman stretch and sway ? Or ** the French Casar’s?” Where are both to-day ? **Queen Bess’s?” Let our later Cecri claim With his loose schemes to link her mighty name ; The Tudor Lioness would grimly smile At blind ambition and at blundering guile, Fussy diplomacy which wastes its force On Empire’s outworks, but neglects its source, And small finesse still peddling in intrigue, Entrapped by rival craft and counter-league. ‘* Ends without means,” would be a fitter ery For shouting dupes of our new Policy. Empire !—with small battalions, something strained By a slow conquest o’er barbarians gained. Empire !—with timorous finance that fears By claims for cash down to check Jingo’s cheers. Liberty !—and they point the oppressor’s goad, While freedom ’s sapped at home and snubbed abroad. Empire and Liberty! For all their pother, They fear to pay for one or trust the other. Not strength in self-control for self-defence, But a self-seeking swaggerer’s impotence, Is the true meaning of this catchword cry, Hos tile to Empire as to Liberty.

**Vox et Preeterea Nihil.” “Mr. Henry Ricnarp, M.P., bas been addressing a conference at Swansea, advocating his motion for a mutual and simultaneous reduction of European armaments.” Napormon described History as an old almanack. Modern His- tory is clearly not a Poor Richard’s Almanack—with Mars and his [Novemper 29, 1879.

HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON, (Being a Dickens of a Dickensionary for the use of Visitors to the Metropolis.) THE SEVEN DIALS.— The one central spot in London where the time of day is kept. The Seven Dials is one of the finest sighte— just as ‘the National Gallery was one ‘of the finest sites—in Europe. e Seven Dials are the work of seven renowned mechanicians, known * the yy hy Men, wae Seavelies a = East in the very early part of the thirteenth century. Neither ye nor the population, of London, was quite so dense as at presen therefore the Wise Men who professed to ‘‘ catch the sun’s rays on their dials,”’ were i as benefactors by quite the tion of the ion, who expected to see the rays caught, and ultimately used for germinating cucumbers. Seven works of art were then commenced under dedication to St. But on its ey Sepeeries that the sun’s rays were not caught, and that the Wise Men required to be remunerated for their labour, the infuriated populace set upon them, and would have burnt them at the stake, where the flames would have been kindled by several volumes of their erudite memoranda called Dial Logs, which being uncommonly dry, would have flared up at once. The Wise Men having been sufficiently wise to quit these hospitable shores, never returned, and the materials of the Dials were used for the construc- tion of the same number of superior clocks which now form the orna- ment of this quarter, preserving the tradition and-the name of the Seven Dials. The Dials are wound up twice a-year, i.e., on the thirty-second of February, and the of April, when crowds assemble to witness this ceremony—one of the most imposing in London. The first idea of Dials came undoubtedly from Egypt; that is, from the Croco-dials. ese animals lie basking in the sun, and by their varying attitudes the natives are distinctly able to tell the time of day. Of course even in Egypt, the invention of the modern watch accounts, in some measure, for the disa of the Croco- Fils dials, just as the institution of the modern instead of the old watch, accounts for the partial disap; of the thieves who were attracted about this quarter by the Dials, which they one day Page 4 succeed * quietly removing. < bg even be- ore this paper makes its appearance reader vain pay a visit to the Beven Dials in the hope of fag What were end what might be now, and what certainly ought to be, the Seven Wonders of the Metropolis. SIGHT-SEEING.— Vide any Spectacle-Maker. The Managers of our large theatres about Christmas-time are genenally the best Spectacle-Makers. All sights can be accommodated at the Crystal Palace. The ‘ nearest sight” depends on where the visitor happens to be residing, or dining. If he has any JS vy 9 faney for the ave of his glasses, he can call in at a buffet and take his choice ; if he cannot stand oblong glasses, he can stand ‘‘ glasses round’ to the assembled company. SKATING CLUB.—lIces of some sort all the year round, lemon water, or cream. No member ever allowed to walk, when once inside the Club. On entering, he at once puts on his skates. The porter skates up to him with his letters, the waiter skates up to him with the bill of fare, and the butler skates about, superintending the comforts of the members, handing the pickles,—which are “the frozen Chilly,”—signing bills and giving change. The Club is dedicated to St. Katherine. Over the portico are the words, ‘‘S. Kate.” The Steward who arranges the dinners is here called the Club’s Skaterer. The invariable for the commence- ment of dinner is Skate, as a matter of course—of second course— and it is washed down with a glass of old Must-skate-well, pro- nounced, shortly, ‘‘ Mus’kat'ell.” The members always sit on the outside edge of their chairs. Serjeant SteIen is na a member, and if there is any carpenter’s work requi in the Club, it is done with a sledge-hammer. A beautiful freeze adorns the walls of the Hall, representing the nlstey of a young man, showing how he went out and tried to reap with an ice sickle; how it melted in his hand; how he melted into tears; and how, finding himself deserted by an ice maiden, he ice-olated himself from the rest of the world. In the winter, entertainments are given to the members, chiefly consisting of ic-lantern slides, SKINNERS’ HALL.—A marvellous work of architecture, both for design and execution. It consists entirely of old flints, which have been splendidly skinned by the Skinners’ Company, the flint- skins themselves serving for the rugs, carpets, and other coverings required for the hall staircase and reception-rooms. Brotherly love is the bond of union among the Skinners, so that even a Skinner’s kin is not so near to him as is his brother Skinner. They are very rich, or they wouldn’t be the Skinners. If you want to know more about this Company, get hold of a Skinner and ask in a friendly way. An qualification for a Skinner is Beauty, in order to keep up the ition of ‘‘ Beauty being only skin-deep.’ SMITHFIELD CLUB.—Chiefly intended for the show of cattle, but

malign influences omitted.

not strictly limited to beasts. Swells,of a certain weight, are admitted

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Seeriens@ YY ' FV eEorer eww! *lCUm rh November 29, 1879. ] = resenting fat old bucks, and one Bishop is, ex onde. a 0 member, ‘Oxon.” .The visitor should ask to see the celebrated Sheep- shanks’ Collection. When sitting in the window, the members look a little sheepish, on pene canes casting sheep’ 8 eyes at gn -~ as oy bookshel ugene A-ram, A Black Sheep. several volumes of the Use of the Ram in Naval Warfare, and the History of Cowes in the Isle of Wight. Its members are only allowed to write with sheep pens, The usual beverage in the smoking-room is be - Irish members are eligible if they can show a fair sample C) SOHO rent they sow hoes—but to what par- ticular branch Her wr yeu tat clear. It ma some connection with the Soane Museum. We await information. Inside is a very Soho Bizarre HOUSE.—A topsy-turvy sort of place, as the name KENSINGTON MUSEUM. Hae is the d ely apply in ccaymme in ~ of @ loan peg ealy here, he easy term o qu irarpien tae ths eit?” And if you can get a fourpenny-bit you neve only to make a joke about the ‘‘ coign will increase it to known as the Cole e one copy whi would be at coat to copy which would be oer » di resaegp to draw the line somewhere. No Student can take an old picture away with him on the plea that he intends to restore it. He will have to restore it there and then. STANDARD THEATRE.—As there must always be a standard of fies by by piles to judge, here it is. The Standard, however, is not the STATION. ERY OFFICE. — Never moves; always there from 10 to 4. _ Well worth seeing, particularly the stores of red tape. STATUES.—The best time to see the entire collection is during the Statue Fair, held every year on Old Lady Day—old Lady ead when alive having been a S piont troness of Statues, and very ind to them. eon the convenience of visitors to town, the aden of the York and Nelson statues will, on receiving two hours’ notice, and a | say ene: though not exorbitant, gratuity, bring these statues down for inspection. The Duke of Wellington ‘can also come off his horse when wanted to stretch his There is a statue to the memory of a distinguished foreigner, Achilles, in Hyde Park, erected by his widow. He was a Greek, and well known on ge. Queen Anne hom a statue in Queen’s Square. It is dated Anne-o som but the rest is illegible. The Duke of Bedford in Russell ‘Square has been lately touched up. Tn was quite ; now he is not nearly so black,—as, he is pain Lord George Bentinck in Cavendish Square. Black with Cavendish smoke. ee Cross. Might be balanced by a statue of Eleanor Good- Fox. Bloomsbury ey nae Fox wants the brush. ee De-jenner-ate Art. Royal Might as well be Nobody. Piet itt (William) ‘Broan Mig Turn the Pitt into a Private By and get rid of it. York 1 pay of). This might be sent to the land of Ham. But “7 ae more statues are required, why not opply to Dr. Carver? He could “ have ashot at it” at all events In Anticipation of February 14. (H.B.M. to the Sultan.) Tuere’s a Pasha in your service, A Colonel once in mine : Own that Ais the nous and nerve is That fits your Valentine ! PUNCH, OR * THE LONDON CHARIVARL ht- a 24) THE MODEL SCHOOL-BOARD ELECTOR. Es, of course, he has corresponded at ye each of the candidates ht a personal interview . ascertained their views on all the vexed and vexing educa- tional questions of the day. He has elicited he a the parti- their birth, tage, Cy sand and mental training, fitness for the position to wi these Lote Cnaiidehes, he has Tequested them to oblige iio onan y as an , and attain- helidege & visiting institu- ty oy "i enable hin ith e him fe, a T At home he has been a neighbourhood, whether a: rat ae meted aid oon ib i into the various a to self how best of action. faring the last three years at all id obtain access, ae ee reports proceedings, and en a volume set apart (with an index) for all the published accounts of School eetings, Codes, atid revised Codes and amended Codes, especially, from end to end, the Annua Reports of the Education t. With all the books, pamphlets, an, and articles on education which have come within his reach , besides Meheing to countless addresses, lectures, speeches, and Bop unity of discussing all the perpl e has seized every op ing e perplexing educational questions on which there exists a divergence of opinion, in the family circle, at the social board, in public conveyances, and in the haunts of business and recreation. On the day of election the Model Elector rises early, dresses himself with scrupulous care, takes a turn round the garden before break - fast with a volume of educational statistics as his companion ; and then partakes of a moderate meal, at which he yy upon his family the great importance of the duty he is about to discharge, and leads the conversation to improving topics as compul- | attendance, cubic space, the diminution of juvenile crime, the sation of rich educati ts, and the systems of Pestatozzi and Frésen. If he walks to the polling place, he ance the most quiet and = uented streets he can find, that he may meditate on the ccenlty of Lag as without interruption or disturb- ey f yo, he in at a favourite Board School on his way, that may avail eK AeRT of the vy Loy Spey of studying practical details, and spends a hour over suffixes or the greatest common measure. If he takes a cab, he selects a vehicle whose driver he finds, after careful examination, holds the same views as himself on the great question of the day. Having arrived at the Polling Booth, he records his vote for the Candidates who in his judgment are most likely to advocate economy combined with ~ cea =f and to —_ the welfare of the masses without overtaxing th of the ratepayers; taking = ape care to support the Lad Candidate if her views are (as they are gostly sums sure to be) moder te, rational, and enlightened, and, there- y correspondin, ding with his own. “if the Candidates he supports are elected, he testifies his delight by such little attentions as ending fe them a copy of his pamphlet on " "National — ™ a nd on the Returning Officer, poomntiog wn to So Se a hedy wae whom his active exertions have help art toa bondi bos Board, and, wea- ther permitting, serenading her at nightfall. MOTTO—ANCIENT AND MODERN. ** Tupgriva et Libertas” —that’s the motto for you, Brothers, Libertas for yourselves, boys, and Imperium over others !

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— a a PUN H, OR THE LONDON -CHARIVARL [Novemrrs 29, 1A79. gf or a Lone, JUst AT PRESENT, No DOUBT BUr THAT #18 Fark and » Arriru DE AKE ALL Mas. lu A DRAMA OF THE DRAWING-ROOM. Be MPAXxS oF BIs FAcE anp Artirups, JonEs FLATTZRS HIMSELF HE CAN EXPRESS THE DEEPEST INTEREST IN THE CONVERSATION WHILE IN REALITY BIS ATTENTION IS FIXED ON WHAT I8 GOING ON IN SOME OTHER PART OF THE Roo. OLD Mav. MARRABLE Is RELATING TO JONES THE HARROWING DETAILS OF HER LATe® LAMENTED’s LAST ILLNESS — waite Caprain Spixks 18 Porrise THE Qve-TION To CLARA WILLOUGRBY BEHIND ONE OF CaoPIn’s MazvurKAs—aND JONES HAS x. COULD WISH. “PULL, DEVIL! PULL, BAKER!” Au! It really looks a pretty little game, As it stands. Let us hope our pet the Suiran thinks the same. At Bouu’s hands, As his patron, friend, defender, lf he looked for treatment tender, With what ecstasies of gratitude his heart—no doubt—expands ! Pull, Devil !—that’s the Naughty Northern Bear, Ogre grim, Who long has longed the ‘Paprsuan to tear Limb from limb! To save the Turk from ruin, And so thwart that bogey, Bruin, Dviw’s deputy must pull his very hardest against Aim / Pull, Baker!—that’s Bur ni deputy, of course, Happy choi To haul in the 3 LTAN’S clack with all his force He’}l rejoice, For what sympathy hath he With the immoralitee __ . Of the East ‘gainst which the West uplifts its pure and potent voice? Pull away, and » pa tape, pleasant pair, Never s Though of solving Eastern Questions men depair, From your work Some solution we may see, Viz., of contmuty, In the p.rson and poss sions of your Mutual Friend the Turk ! Tne War Sr. Mirn's 1s COIFG, ri rom the Dog(e's to the Dogs! A CAUTION TO GEESE. Accorpine to a police report, on a summons obtained by the a a District Railway Company, a Mr. Grorce Goosey, attending the other vp? at the Mansion House and pleading “Guilty” to a charge of alighting from a carriage whilst a train was in motion, got himself hee om shillings Instead of losing a small sum of money, Mr. Goosry ‘ee ave lost life or b by his hardy act. It i is too probable that the monition to “ wait until the train stops” will continue to be disregarded by many a goosey goosey ga er. There are se whom neither mulct nor maim incurred by birds of their feather will deter from stepping out | on to the platform whilst the train yet moves, and thus cnesuting a | movement which, without offence to the gallant recruits of the | British Army or their Drill-Sergeants, may well be styled the **Goose Step” par excellence. For the hero of our text, we may improve on the nursery rhyme, and sing— Gooszry Goosry gander, Where would you wander ? Into trains, and out of trains, And in my Lord Mayor’s chamber! = **On a Lee Shore.” “ We hear that her Her Majesty’s Ship Egeria has received rather serious damage by going ashore in the neighbourhood of Pakhoi, to which place she had been despatched to protect British interests.”"—Standard, Nov 20, 1879. Let us hope the good ship Britannia will not come to grief in like manner, while at sea for a similar object. Tae Maccattum More’s Prescrtettox.—-Huw to take Ministerial utterances—** Cum grano SLis BvuxKY).”’

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ivauui : Cm TL wd i bu wll] “PULL, DEVIL! PULL, BAKER!” ** Baker Paswa has been appointed to superintend the introduction of reforms throughout the whole of Asia Minor.” and the Suttan.”— Telegrams from Constantinople. ‘The most cordial relations prevail between the Russian Ambassador

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yee eS Le gh a

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November 29, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 249 WAR CORRESPONDENCE IN FUTURO 2 compagiipttipas colt ty Codes te ale cat aes . all communications sen to their ne rs to go to their destination through him. ._ Should he deem ‘the tatelli- No. I. gence to be dangerous to the good of the country, he mag one it, or xrRsonvDivARy _ Inielli-| ter it. In the case of the Military generally gence in advance, from Our | Xercise this power.’ So be careful what you say, my man, or it Own Stubborn Special, | Will be the worse for you. : “TI see. I am to trust my letters to you, and if you can’t, or You ought to be very | Won't, send them, I am to see what I can do for myself,” I exclaimed. thankful for this letter.| “‘ Yes. But, mind, your ‘new arrangements are to be entirely The difficulties attaching | under my control and surveillance.’ See Rule 18, And you are to to its despatch have been | Write nothing, or go sagan without my sanction; and I am ‘to very great, but at last| give you as muc ormation as I may consider advisable end they are happily over- | consistent with my duty.’ And you mind you come for it. See come. And now to my|Rulell.” : plain unvarnished tale. I do see, For I had glanced over the Rules while he was f ing.) ‘“ you are to have a of m regularly In the hurry o gE Rae 3 liable to di copy y paper the I could ule 15), and I am to be at a moment's notice yg tg Ms pe (Rules 16, 17, 18), and—— This is simply shameful! Look here | ” “* Rules for the quikenie And I placed my hand on his arm in my agitation. of Editors of Newspapers|_ ‘Mutiny, by Jove! Striking a su officer!” shouted the and of Correspondents | Staff-Officer. ‘‘Take him away! He is under the Mutiny Act, see with an Army in the| Rule 4.” field,” which you thrust}, In a moment I was surrounded, and, under a Corporal’s , was into my hands when you led back to my tent, whence I itch this letter. ether the furnished me with my | Censor will let it pass, I have no means of ascertaining. “licence.” My object| [Of course! will. Nothing like pains Sy pewspaper fellows was to get to the front, | at once what they must expect.—Note by M.C.] and to tackle my ardu- No. II ous duty as quickly as one possible. I wished by (From Our Own Submissive Special.) my own personal exer- * tions to increase the debt F ‘ re of gratitude which 2 grateful country owes to its Special Correspon-| Never mind where I am, but here I am at last, fairly within the dents. The names of RussExt, Fouoes, and a score of others, com- | dius of military jurisdiction, the Government licence « aly Granted, mand the respect and admiration of England. My name, | was eet perfectly en réegle down to my distinctive Re. determined, should deserve a place by theirs, if by devotion to my |®M_ distinctively, if not ae in a suit of a broad duty I could command it. Thus, burning with zeal and good reso- | yellow-and-black sigeag pattern, my hair has been officially lutions, I joined the army in the field. cut close to my he i, t there may be no about my On reporting myself at head-quarters, ‘‘ Halloa, who are you?” ert: The sentinels have instructions to me as | pass, was my greeting from a beardless subaltern, who paused for a| 2d I have several times been shot at and arrested as a foreign second in the absorption of an 8.-and-B. to address me thus curtly. | SPY- But the production of my licence has as yet generally resulted I pointed with some pride to the “‘distinctive badge” I wore in| im my release, after a few days’ detention in handcuffs, on a diet of my character of Special. He looked at it and observed, “‘ Oh, that’s -and-water. Matters are now progressing pleasantly enough. your little game, is it? Badge, eh? See Rule5. Here, orderly, And when I tell you that I have been introduced to the Military take this fellow round to the ilitary Censor.” Censor, who has only cut out three-fourths of this letter, as undesir- Rather surprised at the youngster’s tone, I followed the Corporal | #ble for — you will understand that I am beginning to feel to whose care he had consigned me. quite at home at my work. “You keep close to me, Sir,” said the worthy Non-Com. “ By| , But to plunge in medias res at once, and give you the progress of Rule 6 you ain’t to roam about the theatre of war at pleasure, so keep | the campaign up to the moment of my dispatching this letter. close to me.” Personally, I cannot vouch for an g, having only once suc- Before I could express my astonishment at such a regulation, I | ceeded in getting within seventeen miles of the scene of operations, found myself in the tent of a Staff-Officer. He looked at me sternly | ™ which occasion I was brought blindfold back in irons and severely ook his fist in my face. reprimanded by the General in command, I think, however, you ‘Now, look here, my lad, I don’t stand any nonsense. The mr safely assume that the campaign has begun. But to proceed General holds me ible for everything you write, so I don’t | With my letter. — . stand any nonsense, Do ‘ou know the Rules ?” This is a fertile country as far as I can see it from my cell- “The Rules! What Rules?” I exclaimed. windows. Of its chief products I know nothing. The dogs, cattle, snot eto attention, Bir, when you sddress your superior officer | | S83 toe ae ee ee ated hee eh te oe antioe et t cy ea such as mig nan anc r Site eT ee ee nee ae county. This morning, in my walk under the sentry's eye, I have or any officer, in camp, or out of it.” : : ; Thinking it better to temporise, I adopted a conciliatory tone. | ome across some specimens of the Polyanthus vulgaris that remind “My dear Sir, I really don’t know what you mean.” me strongly of those in the flower- in Kensington Gardens. I “Who the devil are you calling ‘dear Sir’?” screamed the Staff-| Wish I could add any details of a military character, but a fresh Officer. ‘‘ But you’re evidently new to your work,” he continued, | °Tder of the authorities just issued having made rf attempt to in a milder tone. “ Let me give you a line. See you keep it, or | €#ther any information whatever an infringement of the Mutin it may be worse for you. You may take it for granted, as a| Act, I am afraid I must reserve myself for another letter. You will Special Correspondent, that everything you do is wrong, and so| be glad to hear that I am quite well, and getting accustomed to you musn’t do it.” my distinctive badge. , ** But you said something about the Rules?” P.S.—I open this to say that the Military Censor is an excellent “Yes. You'd better get them into your head before you put pen | fficer, and will thoroughly deserve his K.C.B., and any other per. It may save us both trouble. 1 will read you a few. | decoration or otion that may be awarded him at the conclusion ' You are not to go to the outposts on any consideration whatever.’” | f the war. 1 shall have a great deal te say about him in my next ‘* Where are the outposts ?” in which, in addition to some interesting information on the principal I may be able to announce that | “Wh t 7 arasites of the country, I go anywhere wiles I gia yout pene nT Me Mot tO) Pererat last heard the sousd ef eammon, If I do enjoy this prvi en, with a pass, may I assume that I shall be all right?” lege, it will be due entirely to the kis courtesy, and considera- “Not a bit of it. My pass will be exactly worth the paper it is| tion of the Military Censor. Here is the Corporal’s' guard come to written on, and may be tenn up at any moment, anywhere, by any | t@ke my candle away, and lock me up for the night, so I must bring one. When it is torn up, you come back as fast as your legs can | this letter to a close. ; nny particulars, see Rule 6.” * Address suppressed by order of Military Censor. _ ‘Heaps; You are not to write in cypher, but only to use Eng- lish. So none of leer gg Latin, or foreign eee. I have to supervise your in Rule 8.” By Last Inreriticences.—“ The ery of Worrr”’—Anything but * Anything more ? promising for next election at Bourhécouth,

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250 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Mu. Poncn,—Having become the fortunate —) of half-a-dozen Bank Shares by the will of a well-disposed relative, I have x om I am forced to travel third-class by rail, and to ride in tram-cars. CHARIVARL. [Novemsge 29, 137%. to stand in an over-crowded rail way-carriage, while well- dressed young members of the “*’Anny-stocracy” are comfortably seated. Male Man, old or young, must take «A - and has no right to plead manners on his own alf. Nor is it everyone who is of Caartes Lamn’s opinion about “the sacredness of female eld.” But most of our sex, it is thought, are ready to the claims of young womanhood, particularly with good looks to back them. Let me correct this impresssion, by exactly describing what I saw on the North London Line the other day. The seats were all filled in our when a modestly-mannered and modestly-dressed gir in, exactly like the pretty creatures JOHN Eecu used to draw for us in —I mean my younger—time. Three young fellows occupied the seats on either side the door against which she stood. One was puffing a cheap cigar, another reading a red-and-yellow railway novel, the third pretending to sleep, with his hands resting on the head of his flashy cane. Not one stirred all through the ride! : Again and again I have seen pretty and delicate- looking girls, though of no higher rank, I am bound to add, than shop-attendants, or milliners’ workwomen in all probability, on their way to their | work, treated in the same un-cavalier fashion by well-dressed men. In fact, ‘‘ every man for himself” seems to be the rule on the East End lines. The offer of a seat to a crowded- out woman, young or old, is the exception. 5 It is said that Mrs. Trottorr’s telling pen-and-ink caricatures cured the Americans of wing their legs on tables and over chair-backs. I can’t help thinking a few of Mr. Punch's pen-and-pencil — might work an improvement, if not a cure, of the nanly state of things I have described. I believe half of it arises from shyness ; but it seems fast hardening into custom, and the sooner the indurating process can be stopped the better—or so it seems to 4 Your constant reader and subscriber, JonaTHAN OLDBUCK. no right to grumble that Give and Take. I - e no complaint of this. The differences classes—on and off the (To my Lord B., on his “ Imperium et Libertas.”) rail—are only skin-deep. Still, there are some of them that want lessening— Fear for Liberties we have and I think you and your artists could lessen them—however you like to spell If your Imperium waken, word. : : : , : All question we may waive It is little matter if I, with my shaky legs and uninteresting white hair, have Of the Liberties you’ve taken ! MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING, (An Ecstatic Msthetic & la Mode.) “ I sits with my feet in a brook, And if any one axes me why, I gives em a tap with my erook— *’ Tis sentiment makes me,’ says I.” Her softly sculptured li ly indrawn, Ao vil em aainee f su om to the oy * of _—~ awn. ‘he trim and taper ti at rest, Soft as new-fallen ——— her crook, Are tinted with a tender turquoise blue ; Her feet flash red, as, plunged in a chill brook, Fair feet are apt to do. The morbidezza of her marble cheek, Speaks it of dying life or living death ? Languor supprest, quivering intensity, And unripe inonfcleney of self, Speak in each eyelid broad, and caverned eye, And ridgéd clavicle’s projecting shelf. Deep sympathies of crescent womanhood, een urgency of unperfected love, Dull aching thrills, as of half-frozen blood, That may not freely move, Such aches as chaste desires—and chilblains—give. Oh! quite too perfect quiteness of sick sweetness, What subtly sensuous symphonisms live In thy soft sumptuousness of calm completeness ! In which—ah! curse of Momus and his mockings !— Nought sees the ribald, rash, Philistine fool, Save a sham-shepherdess sans shoes and stockings, Foot-paddling in a pool ! As Good as a Pantomime. Ogg commode soft aibi doth | oy ees - Ra learn from the Roman Correspondent of the Daily News ilation ° that :— Bo sits she, = ies manifold, “ Si Car d Si Depretis have been busied in the forma- Be Se ply + “eggmead tion of s Cabinet, to take up tho wah f the Government poetty maneh where agg . it was broken off in July.” SeaEGA, AGU, Eo anet When to this is added that— Wot precious pregnancy a, pulsing life ! ae Freciient of oe Dotest Commission may be brought in to answer at vast potentialities passion ! ; e expected criticism of Signor GrimALpD1,” Vis steane? neneenee _= oume 4 yt a > May x if we anticipate that the criticism of Signor GrrmaLpI Againet her coy carnations, warmly wan, ‘ etna ay n nee = Le maw & silver’s chastened sheen, - » . » Wo be i a - er - pure are to gaze upon ne “ Distrycrive Baper” (to worn by Newspaper Corre- Parple, and grey, and green ! . spondents accompanying Armies in the Field).—A gag.

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Novemser 29, 1879.] 251 ‘ Ss ate WY aN +2 VAN ott ees Mh Nao Sh aid See NERS } WA SSaihs far 2 ~ Bes Qi an) Wd SA UJ + ehh \ \) ey PW = = DOUBLE IRRITATION. Browa (by no means an Adonis). “Tax Letrer’s For rou, Sir! ALWAYS BEING TAKEN FOR EACH OTHER!!! ” Smith (no Adonis cither), ‘1 KNOW WE ABE! AND, IF IT COMES TO THAT, ‘CON-FOUND IT ALL’ YOURSELF, Sin!!!” A VOICE EX CATHEDRA. Dear Mr. Puncn, Iam an Arm-chair Politician. I am not at this moment sitting in my arm-chair, but if any Statesman wishes to address me. I can go back to it at the shortest notice. I have been told that I | can turn the scale at the next election. It is very pleasant to feel one’s own importance, and to know that it rests on so solid a basis | as this very comfortable piece of furniture. My upholsterer informs | me that there never was such a demand for well-stuffed and well- ned easy-chairs within his memory, and I know that his memory good, for he has just sent me in a bill which I thought was paid | two — ago. Of course I have not yet made up my mind how to vote. In all probability I shall support thet Party which soothes my fears and flatters my vanity with the greatest degree of success. eonsider that English Politics are in a very unsatisfactory condition. | Merit is not sufficiently rewarded. I myself have applied for appointments to five successive Governments, and have received y evasive replies. I have no opinions, but I rather fancy what the country really needs is a Ministry composed of men of i as myself. An Arm-chair Cabinet would, I think, f the situation. My upholsterer thinks so, too. t Question. The Government seem to me to have their best, but not to have done it at all well. They seem to be honest set of straight-forward men, yet, at the same time, ther deficient in integrity. I do not agree with | having carried on two unjust wars, yet I | j of the campaigns in which they cove uct of the finances may, perhaps, be open to as I can see, our finances are in a better ey. I do not approve of the attacks the policy of the Ministry, though, of tion is to oppose what they think | | MIND WHERE YOU PUT YOUR FEET. Herr Viscuer, an eminent Ger- man authority on Art and Aisthetics has lately been emptying the vials of ~4y- AVL 2 Fy over rude w y rt by kicking her, but who was ney to mercy on account of ‘oca- ted.” — poor fellow! Sentenced to death for kicking his wife to death—and an vating wife too! Hard lines, indeed! They manage these things better at Liverpool. There, the sentence in such a case is six months’ imprison- ment. CON-FOUND IT ALL, WE'RE As to home questions, I do not see what reforms are needed, nor do I think anybody else does; and I am equally divided between a dread of going too fast and of standing still. I hope I have made my views perfectly plain. My wife says something which I cannot quite hear about ‘‘ a some- thing between two bundles of hay ;” but the female mind is always a foe to impartiality. Unless my upholsterer lowers his prices, I am opposed to Female Suffrage, as I foresee that my wife, had she a vote, would infallibly demand another Arm-chair. I think one Arm-chair Politician in a house is enough, Yours, Erruersipe Easymay. A Check Marked ‘‘No Effects.” Wuatever the “ Elswick Gas Check’? may have done at Shoe- buryness (see the Times’ rei on its efficiency), it seems clear that, up to the present, the “‘ Edison Gas Check”—as we may call the Electric Light—has not proved practically effectual. LOGIC ASD LIGHT. It used to be commonly said to be impossible to prove a negative. But now Photographers say that they can. Arrest or Inisn Anti-Rext Aortatons.—Daly Killen Davitt? If it was only Biggar Killen Parnell ! Inisu Reapine,— Riotousness exalteth a nation.” Tae One Home-Rerer ron Ieutaxyy.—The Law!

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PUNCH, OR

A CHURCHWARDEN’S QUESTION, acacious Mr. Powcn, Amone divers let- the Early Perhaps ;

but ae wy t : , ‘ uesting (not Governors) to pay on admission; and, if so from the architects who built Canterbury and ighhourheod ri these latter altered the works of their pressepeeny, it was as Inn 5 ane ge oe — te ‘ crowded polenhe oe tte ee ee <= Pte ee ote ot the doors,” wo that the beautiful service might be offered up com on oF a . before egation nches tempted by a modern house-painter an r, and this is omer ’ of empty be ' what the Venetians threaten St. Mark’s with, G.” proceeds to argue :— ** History does not end with any particular century ; and if any society had

THE LONDON CHARIVARI. been strong enough to prevent the Decorated architects from meddling with of opinion whether the Decorated Architects would not ha better than they did, if they had restrieted themselves to working in their own style and had left Early English work &. | friend “‘G.” is quite right in urging that ‘* History does not end with one particular century.” Of course not; but Architecture can de- generate—can’t it? History did not end with the seventeenth cen- the House of Hanover eame to the Crown. Then the sort process whi plying to St. recs ts Cathedral, ai o“ i, -” If eo, he signs himself ‘ +2 Sopwperistel enough ; t he not as aptly write himself down “ A.” Sete not, of course, answer to the of any of all your youn Waly, an ‘Architectural Connoisseur wa | of course— ce t a ling Organi 7 Sanavenmiion of the shemneall services, ene ing Verger’ ~ have any connection with the printed board outside, Eec amp Cocxarrice. — Confiscation Cromwellian: Agitation Parnellian. [Novemper 29, 1879.

lish churches, should we not have lost by the prevention ?”’ though is it not, Mr. Punch, a very disputable matter ve done alone ? However, Georgian era of History, and with it the Georgian ure, and the Georgi or Churchwardenisation

question in con innumerable readers, i WittuM or WYKeEnam,

Empty Benches out of Place. of i e Governors of that Hoepitll, how Mf fe that, with t Choir, an the Hospital, varies from three to ten, includ- c ? Can this miserable meagreness of outside

A VOICE FROM THE WEST, Medsrer Puncn ’ : Ira close sheltered combe, by th’ pond, where th’ riv’let retarded its flow, With th’ dusty barn-doors open’d wide, an’ th’ cow-stalls all ’rang’d in a row, There was old Uncle Jon's Venny-Court, as it stood in our forefathers’ time, Wi’ its gables, an’ chimneys, an’ porch, an’ th’ dairy-house whiten’d wi’ lime. Where th’ swallows i’ morn twitterin’, Aunt Ann began bustlin’ about, An’ at slug-a-bed maids while she’d rate, Uncle Joz Dna loud w’d turn out, An’ a-field sharp th’ teams vor th’ hay, or, in barton, help milken th’ cows ; No peace vor the lazy was there, when the Farmer an ’s e’gan t’ rouse! There was plenty vor all hands to do, as in quick, pass’d th’ pails foamin’ full, Th’ scaldin’, th’ mixin’, th’ skimmin’ ; th’ lig t laughter o’ maids never dull ; There was Dotty, an’ Krrry, an’ Pevx, wi’ their coats all tuck’d up to their knees, While, a-turnin’ the churn, i’ th’ corner, raw-bon’d Roger groan’d, never at ease | But away, i’ th’ dairy 20 cool, ’mong th’ milk leads, th’ curds, an’ th’ cream, Cousin Mary w’d stand, wi’ bare arms, so sweet, as a shape in a dream ! To see her a-mouldin’ th’ butter, while a-warblin’ some wold ballad tune,— Th’ pink tips o’ her white nimble fingers, like th’ blooth o’ th’ dog-rose i’ June! Alas! all th’ property’s gone !—how it vell away needs not t’ tell : All th’ wold volk be d to their rest ; an’ poor Mary is now never well ! But how they do up there—at Venny Court—now, t’is a plan i wold farmin’ man ! Vor a-workin’ a ‘arm well, as do stagger a Unele Jor ath? lead ye must know, work’d b an’, wi’ no rent t’ pay, They all liv’d a free, happy life, an contented, while all pull’d oone way. But when t’was a-sold—Venny-Court, t’was a-bought by a mighty rich lord, Who a tenant must have t’ pay rent ; let us hope he t’ pay ’t can afford ! But dtheus is th’ curious thing; dtheus new tenant pays rent an’ finds stock, But ’e lets all th’ dairyin’ off, at a price, to a man in a smock! ' An’ th’ wold double , below, wi’ its small di’mond casements so quaint, Is all done up, an’ righted com , wi’ new peaper, now press, an’ new t; Vor th’ Dairy-man must hev a house, vor hisself, an’ his children, an’ wife ; But why they be wanted at all, why I can’t understand vor me life ! * Ye can’t get two bites of a cherry,” was a sayin’ when Iwasa boy, But i’ dtheus case they try t’ get three /—a meal which I hope they i enjoy. What's dtheus pother about a piano ?—t’ isn’t music as does any harm ! When I was a boy, there was music, an’ sweet, too! at Venny Farm : When Mary w’d zing of an eve’inen, or youug Jox breathe his soul thro’ th’ flute, There was rapture in many a an’ all our voices were mute ;

When th’ tasks o’ th’ day were all done, an’ th’ bat roun’ th’ rick-yard w’d flit, What mwore blessed thing e’d there be, than thus out in orchet t’ zit !

But, I fear, dtheus new tenant’s young wife has never a task vor t’ do, No more an’ she mid hey if she were th’ wife ov a Gent., or a Jew, Why a plain dairy-farm sh’d be let, an’ thus sub-let’s a question o’ taste, But on th’ basis o’ cash, an’ p’raps brains, I think it’s a question o’ waste ; There ’s a factor too much i’ th’ sum, cast it up, or turn ’t round, as ye may, An’ a profit t’ find we must take th’ sub-tenant or the tenant away. Gi’e th’ former mwore coin in his pouch, or th’ latter mwore fitness vor’s place, BUT TOGETHER THEY RIDE OVERWEIGHTED—AN’ TH’ YANKEE MUST WIN SUCH A RACE. JeRE SMALLBONE.

‘“* Ex Nilo—.” Art the late meeting of the Anglo-Egyptian Banki Company, the Chairman, while announcing a dividen gave his opinion “‘ that a steady stream of prosperit had set in on Egypt, consequent on the overflow of the Nile,” and he that there would now be a satisfactory arrangement between the bank and the Egyptian Government. The misfortune for the shareholders is that the tide of prosperity—i.e., the Nile—never can set in on Egypt without over-running its banks, or My apo A em. Let us hope the new Controller may do something to keep—if lo. = 4 river—the Kuezptve, at least—within and bounds.

In more Places than One. “ Every prospect of bad weather. Ships ordered to sea.” A little later— “ Weather now fine. Ships returning.’’ Surety the above telegrams, sent in the course of last week, by Luoyn’s agent, from Madras, might have come from Admiral Horysy, at Malta.

4@ To Conazsronpunts.— The Bditor does not hold hi:nsef bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed envelope

afer ap iesions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by 4 ld be kept.

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Decemper 6, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. BONDS AND BENEFICES. wr venerable friend, Archdeacon let us = possibly suffer imprisonment; but, +f} “or nat i tid. wa, - pm won't get it, so as not to be enabled to pose as essors. But the truest thing pad “eo us that the ies he referred to “ could suffe ys only can, but do. They are in bondage to "sniulee, hie ignore, and o rte wed which Ae violate; and they could emselves at from these by disendowing and Tee lishing themselves, but prefer joa remain in them because their bonds hamper them so little as to allow them morally, or rather immorally, to dance hornpipes in fetters. IN MEMORIAM. Sohn Thaddeus Delane, For Turrry-stx Years Eprror or Tae “ Times.” Born at Bracknell, Berks, 1817. Died at Ascot Heath, Now. 22, 1879. Turoven the dark hours one sleepless workshop am With strength of busy brain and lightning hand, Engines of iron hands and ood all but brains, . 0 fix in words the whirl of sea and land. The dail brain- core of our times, wie ’s nerves with lightning Peles thrill, ane? Br sals chews ta ostiea encl Teri Work still finds man or makes him ; need provides The central of this central toil, Brains of this brain-stuff, guiders of these guides, Fresh under their night’ 8 load, calm through its coil, If all these centres, brains, guides had been asked To name one centre, brain, guide of them all, For many a year the answer had not tasked Long time or thought; one name had had the call— = name, wan, from his schoolboy days, was marked Py woneres) for the work he was to do; Who—youth still—mate first, master soon, embarked On the great ship, that, with him, greater grew. The old salts saw, and bent a seornful brow At ‘‘ Warrer’s ‘three-year-olds’ ” the Taugh went round. Youth at the helm, not Pleasure at the prow— The good ship Zimes sailed, on bold wales bound. And from that time The Times was Jouw Detang, e’en that iron was wa and worn, . And those tense brain-springs slackened ’neath the strain Of such toil as man’s strength has rarely borne. For thirty years and six, think of his life! 'o keep a wary eye and tongue, With blithe cheer for all sides, let party-strife Rage ne’er so bitter, ’mid the missiles flung From hand to hand, hatred to hatred, still ‘ feel no hate, and own no captain's beck : power with soft word but iron will, class-claims, and pen-presumptions check. W welcomed, worshi to be stone to smile ; Te list the mmet et not yield ; To be al things to all with hon Ample he Frank bebe ee, cod aden eller hinla. Awake while we see srt his his ioe 6 was a a Through the dark h debewnn vd Ttill and brigh Te Seems the world’s dase 05 #8 owent by. ™ B’en Science taxed him, brought him larger load, Wher er and heavier to bear : le he aaabeopang Wires wares ng flow news to winnow, sift, and share. he found and spirits, Nature’s balm, ear pte or ree those who watched him knew rufflings of his calm for thought that flagged, not flew. wheal doves the strong hand, for the hard helm too weak, +~ boas to rest, first for brief spell, and then Port et rest a longer had to seek, this born Captain among men Had te poh charts and signal-book, And siling-orders and all captain’s hE leisure e see hard by the noo tee Gale to setek green leaves and sere, dnd tnd geen ead his stock, and live Among the coun uires a coun uire, Ales! he had but little time —" To that late idyl—not e’en time to tire. Death finding him, unwontedly, at rest, Smote him who, till now, seemed too swift and strong For dart or scythe, too prompt and labour-stressed To hear the summons all must hear ere long. Rest in thy grave, that knew no resting here, Editor without equal, strenuous so Staunch friend despisin favour, scorning fear, Far-seeing, forward- ving to thy goal. He left a different scene from that he found, And had a large part in all he saw. Nor slave, nor leader, of his time, but bound Abreast of it to keep its glass from fla flaw. as not a hostile hand is raised to throw A black stone at his name, who in his place Had need to fight and fling so many a foe But ne’er fought false, nor struc but at the face. ’Tis one who served him twenty years who writes This tribute to his memory. ose that read May well be proud of him, and pray our fights In F m’s cause breed men like him at need. The Pacific Main. It appears that the Pacific Republics, two to one, Peru and Bolivia against Chili, now for some time at war, ori inally fell out for the jon of nitrate and guano beds; so t, in fact, they have fighting over fensiiiones material, In this particular the ne a wow d be tho ught to exhibit some resemblance to poultry- ; though it may be doubted whether on either ane hove etenalined themselves 4, ns display of valour a: to that of the gamecock i 0s compared G1 noble barn-door | However, at Iquique there has bw 5 some warm work, wherein Chili, nevertheless, got the advantage. This, it is to be hoped, may lead to a termination of a struggle which certainly does not “‘ beat cock-fighting,” however analogous it may be to battles between feathered champions, each on his own dunghill. Doomep to BE Briown-up (by Anti-rent Agitators or Cabul incendiaries.) —A Balla-Hissar. VoL. LXXVII,

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“SEH TIVO SIV] SIH GNV ‘STHAaTIAag “aw Sv , SaIUUYV, AKOSANY, ,,—-NOLONI AAI VILSIUNa we LIQS OL KASS AOHANOS LON SHO ‘AENUVY ‘SUP ATALVLIS AHL OL ONIKOOAE O8 BI CAV ‘NVAHOVOD ZHL GNV SVYROB], NHOG NO ITH O8 SHOOT HOINA ‘1N4dT], WAG ABI, “sneayu Ni SNGOW 1S3 ‘6191 ‘9 SaaRKOIG—"UVAINVHO NOGNOl AHL YO “HINOd

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4 p a FS Fe os Q 4 ° = a a i a w ra g J he 4 - < a a a a » ©) 7 it < Z ~ = & ° & <] 5 = ° z = ° a 7 od ie = a a « 1S) 3 a — s = fo) Z < ic 8 iA i a = a “ 2 a < 2 2 s Po ba 1 a Zz s WELL on Jonn THOMAS AND THE COACHMAN, AND I Mies Heneietrra Riprprxocton—‘*‘ Tax Fur Tireekt, WHICH LOOKS 80

Decemszr 6, 1879. ]}

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

“WANDERING WILLIE.” A Fragment from a Modern Border Balad. Now word is gane to the Bauld Buccievcu, In Dalkeith Palace, where that he lay, That Midlothian hae summoned word-rife WILLIe, His ain son’s hame-seat to win away. He has taen the table wi’ his hand, He has gar’d the Giapstone spring on hie— ** Now confound these Midlothian bodies! i ** But o’ Provost and Baillies avenged I ’ll be! ** Oh, is my rent-roll a borough rate-book, Or a trumpery penny-fee, Or my son DatxerrH daft as weel as dumb, That Midlothian’s Rads should lichtly me ? ** And hae they brocht him—word-rife WiL.ie,— Sae hard on ingo-tide, Bauld Buccievcu Scottish side!

** Hae they gien him ovations and airches o’ green, And rugs and ma’ and claithes and year, And forgotten that to the Bauld Buccievcu They ’re the main o’ them tenants by lease or year ? **Oh, were Datxerrn a lad o’ brains !— As weel I wot that he i He wad gie this WiLL a reddin’ Though he’d talk a dog’s leg frae the bane ! “ And ’gin his words and wits ran low,— As there’s little doot recht soon would,— I’d tak’ ither means to mak’ these Too het for this firebrand where he stood. ‘* But since my son’s no a lad o’ his haun’s, And than talk against WILLIs wad sooner dee,’ I’Ll no trust a bawbee to Datxerru’s brai And yet word-rife W1LL1e bowled out shall be.” He has called him some five-score henchmen bauld, I trow there was nae lack for the game,

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‘ gem ~ yee eer ee. oa PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 6, 1879. For their bits o’ hau’dins the prices they paid He were a seely man could name, He has called him some five-score henchmen bauld A’ qualified under the bauld Buccievcn Wi receipts in pouch and fag on spaul > And colours on back o’ the Tory blue. There were five and five, before them all— Wi’ qualification-papers right ; And five and five, wi’ hands no sae clear, Bat o’ titles gude for a little fight, And five and five, that wi’ brass recht strang,' Might pass the revisin’ barrister’s ee’ ; And five and five, that had broken down, But for their swearin’ unco’ free. And as, wi’ our faggots on our back By the palace-gates our stand we held, The first salutation that we met wi’ Was wi’ Wrivue’s hard words to be sairly shelled. ** What recht hae ye, ye puppets mean ?” Quo’ word-rife Wri.re, “ come tell to me.” * We ’ve our qualification gude at law, And mair than law-fast what man can be ?”’ ** What recht hae ye, ye out-county men ? And what betoken your colours blue ?” ** That to stand fast to the auld flag We ha’ qualified under the bauld Buccieven.” “ And where be ye gaun’, ye bits o” lad With your Jingo jargon sae loud and hie e” *“ We gang to gie Datxerrn, at the Not wit nor words, but majeritie. ** Where be ye gaun’, as rational men ?”— Quo’ Write, ‘Stop! and haud talk wi’ me.”’ Now a tough auld Tory led that band, And never a word o’ lear had he. ‘* Why trespass ye on Midlothian’s Ye faggot-voters *—Be aff!” quo’ he. Then never a word ’ the tough auld Tory, But his thumb te hi nen eneune eget . . * * * Then Wrrute he stood in Dalkeith Corn-Market, And nae time in tunin’ his pipes he lost, His wind it was lang, and his voice it was strang, And nae trouble in choosin’ his words they cost. And ere he reached the end o’ his screed— If te an end it was aye to come— Had Datxerrn’s ainsell been there to hear, He'd hae prayed to be deaf as weel as dumb. For when Lord Datxerra he gars to talk, ’Tis like an organ wi’ nane to blaw ; But it’s a’ the neet and the morn to beet, Ance WIL.1e begins, ere yell win awa! And so sweet ’s his tongue, that ye haud your breath, And ye mind na the flight o’ time ava’ ; And I doot na the bauld Bucc.eucn himeelf Wad ha’ cried ** Hear, hear!” before us a’! . * 7 . . (Here the fragment breaks off.) A DISAGREEABLE INN-OVATION. A REMARKABLE demonstration of Welsh warmth of temper was recently experienced, on somewhat slight provocation by Mr. Ancui- BALD Forses, who is now engaged in vering a series of lectures in South Wales. Mr. Forpes, we read— “Refused last night to deliver his address at Newport (Monmouth) in of the local caterer i i i iy be @ pote « fe ‘him to po Bye ggg oye hy toy le iets station by an excited crowd, who hooted him, and pelted him with eggs.” Elsewhere Mr. Forses, on his lecturing expedition, has been —~y with well-deserved plaudits ; bat it seems that at a port an immoderately populace farewell with a regular, but totally A ~~ ovation | OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. Stage Door—Christmas Annuals—Children’s Books and Christmas Cards—At Cambridge—The Hunchback. ERE we are nuals has be- gun, = ms, to judge by these hardy an- nuals, Christ- mas may be said to have begun about a month ago. | Mr. Rovr- LEDGE (pub- lisher), . and Mr. CLEMENT Scort (editor), have hit upon a capital no- tion in The Stage Door, which has al- ready ‘‘assem- bled in its thousands.” The contribu- tors are all of them well known to the theatre - going public, which. acquainte > with the occa- sional lucu- brations of Messrs. Iny- ing, NEVILLE, and Too.e, has naturally exhibited con- siderable curi- osity for the first appearance, as authors, of Mr. and Mrs. Ban- crort, Miss Hopson, Mrs. Jonny Woop, Mr. Watrer Lacy, Mr. Hare, and Miss Kare Munrog. They are for the most amus- ing; Mr. Reece's playbill, however, being first among the funniest. But there ought to have been no authors admitted; it should have been written entirely by actors, actresses, the ladies of the ballet, the supers, and, most important of all, a genuine stage- door keeper. PP The “ wrapper” of The Stage Door is quite ‘‘ up to the knocker.” The Lady nted outside as issuing from the stage-door with a roll of music under her arm is evidently either « burlesque actress, an operatic prima donna, or one of the chorus, which is deceptive, as none of ‘oo are represented inside. On second thoughts, this may be intended to represent the burlesque actress, or prima donna, or chorus-singer, or whatever she is, leaving the theatre, carrying under her arm her rejected contribution. The glance which the stage-door keeper, supposed to be the editor, I poe, is casting over the top oF his ‘Bra at the unhappy young y, is very sug- gestive of the poor man’s nervousness, lest, at the last moment, she, the rejected one, should turn round on Aim, and have a row. As the contributions are only “‘ by those who enter” the stage- door, of course, the accepted story- rs have all gone inside, and are stopping there. Not the least among its mes popes ee amusing features, are the portraits of the writers prefixed to story. They are all beaming and beautiful. The likenesses are marvellous—most marvellous. Mr. Waxrer Lacy looks as if he had stepped out of a sporting tailor’s advertisement; Mr. Srerny (why is 4e behind a stage-door ? the sly boots!) apparently represents the Hatting in- terest; Mr. Jomw Hare shows what an admirable effect may be produced by wearing the St. James’s open collar; Mr. Frank Mar- SHALL is something between Nicholas Nickleby and the late Count de MowTaLemBert; Miss Kare Muwnor’s ig o is a study for an Ophelia at Colney-Hatch ; Mr. Toorz is as he @ when suffering from the mumps; Mr. Lionx Savers perme conveys the — + havin 2m — ile westios his face; Mr. Reece is like somebod: y a Russian Prince ; yn 4 ny recovered from Mr. Hottivesmxap seems to have y od from a severe rash; while Mr. Parerave Sm«pson’s head of hair is apparently Tie Cotossus or Worbds.—Grapsrone in Midlothian. intended to exhibit the perfection of the perruquier’s art when the i

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*MReRnsaore ~- ers

Decempur 6, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 257

rules of self-measurement have been carefully observed. Altogether, including the illustrated advertisements (see the portrait of “‘ The a Purifier” and others—real gems!), the Stage Door is a first- ra eae e-werth. In Little Wideawake, from the same publishers, Mr. Exwst Griset is at his best in his Illustrations to “ Black Rolf of Rookstone,”’ and Miss Greenawar’s ‘‘ Miss Patty” is a charming tispiece. Mrs. Satz Barxer’s stories are excellent for young folks; and if the latter ob pee og with their Mrs. Barxxr, the publishers ought to be delighted with their “ Sarz.” a Satngeets ae és the Wood is ont perfect from om cover, including the wrapper, or, one say, considering salieet, perfect from covert to eovert, including thes vings. ial heartily welcome this ‘aul’s Churchyard, those old successors to New- many besides ?—w! Hora fill the If they find that Le vaut la chandelle—that their be it. Punch hopes A fortnight ago I Lr pee to Alma Mater, wi Wee Pertrmanse af The Game ¢ 8 y by the A. D. C. of Night Cambridge. e was every ry t. One matinée was given for the benefit of the funds of the Adenbrook — when, as the prices were doubled, a consider- able sum must have been realised. : Hane keep the, Stage, nperinaioly PT talleve thet most unc ee 80 eve people think it 4 by some “ dramatist,” with whose name they ought to be familiar, but aren’t. They are not absolutely certain it isn’t one of SHAKSPEARR’s, or, at least, written by a cousin of SHAKSPEARE’s; and I have actually heard it ascribed to Suenrpaw —without the Kxow.es. The true answer probably is, that, despite its tawdriness and its tinsel, and its absurd Eliza affecta- tions, there ‘are in it some touches of nature, which are genuine inspirations. These—and onl t this silly, uninterest- ing and wearisome Five-Act Play from sinking into oblivion. When it was revived at the Adelphi, with Mr. Huwny Nevirzie, Mr. Her- MANN Vezrn, and Miss Nerison, it was a big success, and drew crowded houses for a long time. ‘ At Sadler’s Wells it has been reproduced for the sake of Miss a — Tuli +m. Ayo of considerable oe a mere. r. Ketty’s Master is di inting. . WALTER BENTLEY was better as than = 4 Bir Thomas Chfford— it is puzzling to have Mister Watrger and Master Walter in the same piece, and both disguised as somebody else—while Mr. F. W. Wrwpuam is quiet in Modus, which is a fault on the right side. har eetginal itn te thet ken lle Yasue oe dedbed ern er ori SABEL playing her Juda, her elder sister will come out in her Jew Leah. ons generally, future treatise from the pen of P.S.—Ours has been revived at the Prince of Wales's, but I have not yet seen it. I cannot add Ours to my present minutes.—Y. R.

Giaperonn’s Grrts (Te and Fro).—Dresses and Addresses.

“HIGH POWERS IN CONJUNCTION—(OR COLLISION).” “ Professor Kiinxerriis & ridicules the notion, to which he assigns an English origin, of to the Earth of the present position of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune.”"— Times Foreign Qrrependine, ur what says Prof. Kxitw- KERFUs to Pee: apprhen- deus of the r to the Earth from the present posi- tion, not of the four remotest planets, but of the four nearest potentates ? , ~ If we have nothing to fear from conjunction or collision of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune, dare we feel as safe @ propos of their earthly parallels? These, we should 1, poe — See Jupiter, Germany, with Brsmancx, forger and flasher of bolts, most danger- ous when out of clearest sky ; for Sa Russia, urer of her own children in Nihilist executions, and Turkish and Central-Asian slaughters; for Uranus (Greek, for ‘‘ Heaven”), Austria, on the principle of association by contraries; and for the Sea-God Nep- aa BRITANNIA <¢ course, L. LJ Lord a gir ready and willing to sweep an into wi 3 ego!” En attendan Pil better advised—if Professor Kiuvxenriis says “Pooh!” to the planets, Mr. Punch, no doubt like the idiot and buffoon, the irreverent ribald and y street- he is, is just as ready as Mr. Giapstows to say ‘* Pooh!” to the all Mall /

A Double Canvass. “ Mr. Mrtzats’ admirable | nraeding Mr. Giapston® is now on view in Princes Street, Edinburgh.” — . " eins tations IL canvass man, Mid-Lothian stands not where she stood— The pocket- of a Clan: And, faggots of the Buccievcn, The world has seen the last of you!

NOT THE RIGHT MAW IN THE RIGHT PLACE. It is announced in the Irish that a Mr. Boteren is to be the new Member for Limerick. Surely Home-Rule wants Pillars to prop it more than Pillows to go to sleep on!

WHO WOULD HAVE THOvVenT IT? describe him as ‘‘suffer-

IurTation Mosaics.—Drisnaxwr’s designs o. CoaTuax’s.

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———— 8 SE er ee, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR IV ARI. [Decemorn 6, 1879. EL AGRICULTURAL IMPROVEMENTS. Land-Steward (to Tenant-Farmer), “‘ Weir, Gites, WHAT ARE You GoIne To Sow In Herr!” Parmer. “ AUNT "ZACTLY MADE UP MY MIND, SIR; BUT IF WE COULD PUT IN A FEW STEWARDS AND LAND-AGENTS—THEY SEEMS TO THRIVE BEST oN THE LAND Nowapays!”’ ‘ : ‘ . oe by proud promise I am tied BEARDING THE BUCCLEUCH. ze mets me With « man of pride. ta thian ’ (After Scott's ** Lady of the Lxke.”) Bat when T come again, a tro Dumrounprrep at the Southron's jaw, come with banner, peeing tel Quoth the Unknown, ‘ What meh of law o evn ong 5 oes Sens wee a Hast thou Midlothian’s vote to sue, a Eee Rengeeed ier poor aes pow’ Without a pass from bold Buccixvcn ? ‘ha ¥ t ade batele me eeeees Sow eftain ” ““* What right?’ My pass, in tongue-fence tried, This Tory Chi and his band. Hangs in my ey ey easy tied. “* Have then thy wish!” He whistled shrill, And sooth to tell,” Southron said, And he was answered with a will. ** This time I much shall need its aid. Sudden from their concealment rose, Although for but a week I’m out, Fellest if funniest of foes, Six columns day I ve to coast The Faggot- Voters one and all, Zhongh while there dD dy y posteard known, In answer to their Chieftain’s wa. taste rest I Town Fresh levied but ht Kegve for hie why Ria wordy ven hase tay?” Till all was blue. vous (oft tt ight, S Mh es yy thou, and ask me why Before, behind , above, below, BF casks Se cairo tan pipee up at once the lurking foe. Loeb ’s black band, our land’s disgrace. her ils donee Mites pe Blight reason may suffice to guide With Faggot-laden franchised m An errant Statesman’s wanderings wide ; That host ticked duly off, and tied, A gauntlet thrown, a ‘apeeas said, The Unknown’s eye surveyed with pride, Profier of rugs or breeke or Then fir'd calm eye and Kindling brow, Or, if the dangerous Esocn, Fall on Stout Wirr—“‘ H st thou now ? The dene e malt self is lure alone.” These are Midlothian’s Vom oe new, And, Southron, J’m the bold Buccievcn !” But St _tpeosh-peimed though came, To spol i} Imeer! . ~ iis yee tena emo in his heart ow in Midlothian “oy These provoked a smart. Buccievcn’s avowed and mortal foe ?” He manned himeclf with dauntless air, Answered Stout W B dou His beck aint principles he be 4 ti nsw ut —** Buocievcs, no is nei e Is — as he's stout = Planted his foot nak In fact, a sight goed cost, and 1 ** Come one, come all! oa eet ty Feel for the Chief no enmity. From its broad base as soon as I!”

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~ INCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemwper 6, 1879. SWA/ Se BEARDING THE BUCCLEUCH. “THESE ARE MIDLOTHIAN’S VOTERS NEW, AND, SOUTHRON, ZJ’M THE BOLD BUCCLEUCH!!” “ He denounced the system of faggot-voter, by which a practical fraud is played upon the Constitution, and counties are wrested from their natural electors, the constituents.”"—Spectator’s ** Notes of the Week.”

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| " s BNR P Se OS TOUT EH ACP CEPR See OH FORA ee ew CFP Ee =m |

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December 6, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261 IRISH PROVENDER. EFERRING to the | th ae ee frie j7 | (| h Se a ae aaa said ‘he tried e1 g to a his horse’s , and was asked if ee fa uf RENT a Certainly, we have not yet tried Home Rule. WELL BESTOWED. A Gormp Medal wee been presented b Cociety Sees . AND A, W. Brat for eh collection of b ant articles sent in them.” We shall be glad to hear from these gentlemen. HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON, (Being a Dickens of a Dictenewony fr the use of Visitors to the STOCK EXCHANGE.—Built for exchanging Stocks of all sorts. Formerly there used to be a larger variety of Stocks now. There were satin Stocks that went round the neck, and Stocks that were sat im as a punishment, and Stocks which were worth so much per scentum to their growers, and were the pride of the dered a Culturists. Then there are the other Stocks which are consid as having ——ie to do wi with Ritualism on account of on “in-ceuiments, On . mange La pA * sorts of ers,—fair dealers, tae ers. an dealers. Besides dealers, there are also he The dealers in Stocks are called Stock Brokers and Stock Jobbers. No one ean become a Broker unless there is security for his not breaking. As far as a client from the outside public is concerned, the distinetion, between a jobber and a broker, is about the same as between an attorney and a solicitor. There is a third class, which is an amalgamation of the | gi tw, and may be either a broker or a jobber, or something of both, and is called a ahh The Jokers at one time formed a very large and powerful y, an itself, like old Exeter Change oa very near, ¥, being turned intoa Garden—a bare garden an g more. But Bulls on the establishment were not to be cowed ; and having prono Bears unbearable, they prevented them fom having it entirely to themselves. ‘‘ Bear and Forbear” was thenceforward the motto. But toa certain extent the danger still exists, and no stranger is allowed to venture unprotected among these ferocious animals. No one with a red handkerchief is ever admitted = any pretext whatever. The tion of Stock-breaking may be witnessed Fenda ee early, is most interesting. While the Boars for the a are driving in e Bulls and ‘or the da pidhe Book Brokers go on breaking the Stocks until they become pom Reduced when being in a portable form, they are hon to the Bank. On holidays the. Bulls go to the cam, and are great patrons of the style of entertainment called BTOKE (EWINGTON. ry suburb, so called from the lar: colony of Stokers im the neighbourhood. They are early victims of the tender on; and on nd of 4 onan go about like wild STRAND.—Is the li between the City and the West, but it was eres Gina 5 more nk woen Bi. Ho.irvesuzan’s electric light shone ite: ion from the Gaiety Theatre. STRAND THEATRE.—Formerly noted for burl ue, and now for opéras bouffes. It was at one time probably nearer the river i io of present, and was known as ie - Homeet Se © ” or the Swan-borough. Mons” Mantus, the ocle Roman noble who, having become tired of crying over a — 5 is now singing for y, being fon fortune, has for a long time been one of the notabilities of this theatre. _ Sr. pe seam, or, as it is pronoun “ Smyzuw,” is another ; and join in a duet— i sinjun together. It is still the yo-4t rough, or Town of the Sena, an whens a Hen durstn’t a! Tae though A Hen-derson See STREETER.) _ SUEY “THEATRE.—Across the water. (See Hottanp.) “A ht | ’—SHAKSPEARE, SoawiMt ING.—Baths for this purpose on the Thames, established the head a partic be benefactor, Sr mk pape te brain and swimming in e hi They are on coe en Seco to Edad hese wo. cso at lest in TELEGRAPH.The Daily Telegraph, or D. T. The proprietors of this journal are the only instance on record of of persons happy in a chronic state of “D.T.” So far from its affecting their general a they are announced as pan a a use of 1 TELEGRAPH oe te shilling, pencil and poet, Ve a are young es Shaad are to messages, being of a very ink-wiring turn of am as and wirey young people are chosen. soon RR. ts nance to anything as startling as am electric rand work e wires regularly without even tion for a telegraph girl is that she must be an mo ph at the pmo (The eccentric person once notorious 2. “Wirey Sal” was a dancer, not a telegraphiste.) The qualification is that they should be able to male an electric-battery pudding. The examina- tion stops at this THAMES CONSEKVANCY.—A Company Limited, having shares in the two Thames Banks which keep the river between them. TOWER HAMLETS LIBERAL L CLUB.—A Shake Society for providing Hamlets on liberal terms to fihe the tres. fortunately, ie is no Ophelia Club, therefore the Hamlets nage. oe ie Cape —_.. F LONDON.—Formerly the of Mr. Harrison tak. but now thrown open to tie . Ask tosee the ‘ Re- ia ’’—which is the finest ueed into Eng- d by Sir Warer aay. pen \ interest Artists. TRAFALGAR battle of Tra- ar was fo a # the — pe which is Nelson Column the four LANDSEER, te the fact, that, in consequence as this qn: naval victory, the Great NAPOLEON did not invade our /ands Sir w is the only sculptor who has carved the British Lion for the ‘ TRAVELLERS’ CLUB.—The advan this Club is, that, on Sunday if you are out for @ need of refreshment, you can always e | bership, and be served with ref: this Club there is a fine Commercial , much uented by the beg. kind of Trevalle — Sa f; 12 till 2. pen every one from Present Fi bills and they © will furdey fall. This institution as a punt oppressed individuals is very little known. * TURF CLUB.—Principal nese | ies, Rey on account of their Lawn. Motto” all Fles Everybody more or less Green.” Mester of i wale “to play cards, must bring their own som TOSSAUD'S. XHIBITION. — This Exhibition is perpetually making “ Aste” with its war. In the ee of Horrors, for six- pence extra, you can hear lectures on’ TYBURNIA.—A portion of Londen ¢ 80 > galled from old Hace t where the onlelgates yburn Tree, t.e., Gallows, was. The place a certain extent still preserves its ts ancient reputation, as numbers of people “* hang out” here. He always came : thie Dickoodowey ried te of belongin walk fe in te of mem- your as a bond Ade Traveller. In No change Paris to her Parliament. (A Round. {ee to the Senate and Assembly reassembled at Paris, in the uzembourg and Palais Bourbon, November 27, 1879. Yncoms, little Stranger ! from us a ran Front and all i glories, And all the Of our rowdyisms and ~~. eee And Victor- sms and shindy r Amagtuiens plenary, And our Revolution scenery— Welcome, little Stranger, So long from us a ranger ! A Reat Avevry. We bee Sg ee py bee tony alpen a|in the Treaty of ‘‘ Gandermuck ? on Michaelmas Day, too!

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jews je ‘Rl j! 4 Tt) ip Hi} i j if 14 : i Wy ti! uf He ihe i j ! he Wr re h % 4 7 pe i, ’ sy > LS ied \ i | 4 Fre is a N ei hay Pt ee = Wr" Fad gate AN Ay a > ' : \ \ 1 i +t} THE LINE OF BEAUTY. Athletic. “‘Dow’t you Bicyctz?” Msthetic. *‘En—no. It pevetopes THE Caves oF THE Leos so! MAKEs ’EM sTICK ovuT, you xNow! So coarse! Positive perormiry!!”’ A GOOD LEAD. Geyeva used to be a model to England in Puritan times. Once more she becomes a leader of new lights at this day. Punch is glad to translate from a Continental contemporary, the Journal de Genéeve— “ Yesterday evening, passengers the Rues de Mont Blanc, du Rhén d de la Corrateri ight have read, for the first tise, ae mt be Fa Rhy ly th toe, oe The Editor congratulates the Administrative Council on this step, which he calls ‘‘a real poogrene, of wisch our town is the fest, if wo mulstake net, to ost the example.” One London district has had the start of Geneva. As of old, the Wise Men come from the East. The Works’ Committee of St. Matthew's, Bethnal Green, have some time ago had the names of the streets painted on many of the street-lamps. One of them writes to Punch to y, that “It seems a great improvement, and must a great boon to strangers in the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | [December 6, 1879. neighbourhood.” Not a doubt of it, says Punch ; and begs to congratulate his cor- respondent and his Board on not having laid their heads together obstructively in this case, THE MAGPIE, (4 Modern Study, after Cowper and Vincent Browne.) Tune is a Bird, who, by his note, And by the motley of his coat, Is known to all the town ; — A constant haunter of back-stairs, Eaves-dropping nooks, and area lairs, And keyholes up or down. He has a look, though aly, elate, Whose twinkle seems to indicate Chronic internal chuckle ; A port to all occasions squared, And, as events may turn, prepared To menace, trim, or truckle. Fond of the Spy’s ignoble He haunts the Court, the Ramp, the Mart, And there securely pries _ Inte Church, State, and Fashion’s show, And all that occupies below _ The great, the good, the wise. Think you that as he spies he muses On morals sage or honest uses Of all that doth befall ? Not so, too high the bird you rate, No such theught in his hollow pate Finds room or place at all. He sees in that huge roundabout, The World, with all its motley rout, Its jostlings, and its jars, Its loves, its needs, its wars, its creeds, Its public or its private deeds, Materials for *‘ pars.” With pander smile or cynic sneer, ne ant smirk or satyr leer, ecording as the matter Is smartly false or simply true, Of Court rose-pink or cad’s broad blue, He does—what does he ?—chatter ! With vulture-beak he loves to tear ‘The veil from privacy, and bare All to the prurient rabble. If hearts be wrung or cheeks be flushed, Modesty outraged, proud hopes crushed, N’importe !—the bird must babble ! With eye of Peeping Tom, and tongue That to the wind alf rule hath fung Of honour, taste, or reason, He vents—and vends—his balderdash, Of which one-half is veriest trash, The other vilest treason. Out, bird obscene! Punch long hath seen Thy mouchard ways, malignant, mean, And, sick of having seen " Would have all honest men combine To clip those noisome wings of thine, Or wring the neck between them ! As Good as a Play. We have never heard of a adviser so completely identifying hi with his client as Mr. Joun Rea, in the Sligo pro- ceedings agninet the Anti-rent Agitators. He not only defends Kriien, but actually is Krnten—he is so wonderfully funny in broad burlesque. Lz Cacr sun Les Livres.—How to read The Heart of Midlothian:—Look in Mr. GLaDsTonE’s mouth.

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December 6, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

hiral ae | & 3 Rosy ay u CAPILLARY rns oun} by jy entinaror | . Ber er om png Veneer 5 y ‘ 1 ~ Wy i‘ hes Ai @ Ww. \ ‘ea | Py) AG Y, Pe yb ‘fl “ CUTTING!” ** 1—AW—WANT MY—AW—MUSTACHES DYED.” ll Customer. Artist. ‘‘ YesstR—CERTAINLY, SIR—’BROUGHT ’EM WITH you, Sir?!” HY OVER THE BORDER. Mr. Grapstone is making a good thing out of his visit to Midlothian. Besides the mauds, plaids, rugs, tweed on doly table-covers,') albums, oy caskets which have been recorded is the daily papers, number- less other astiden, chiefly s. a domestic and useful character, have been ited to him, but, most un- accountably, without fndin p ceveiener. The following may be relied on a tolerably list of the many additional gifts f hom his friends _ sup with which Mr. Giapsrowe will return across by Name doe oe EES ve 8 0 very uebaug’ A hamper full of Dundee ie, each ticated with the signature of “ E. oe ES Finnan Haddies enough to rapes Se amily break- —— Nate the meeting of Parliament. le om annocks, oa‘ shortbread, er — of the Vand Cakes es in sees De i ~ ‘otted grouse, muir- capercailzie. Brose, cockaleekie, hageis, and in tins, A dozen sacks of best rough-ground Scotch oatmeal (for : rate k o’ maut”’ for Wrt.re to brew. Boxes ape kippered salmon A set of bagpipes beautifully mounted in electro-plate. A Scotch A complete to Highlander’s suit. dite brooches, buttons, sleeve-links, and studs to — 1 Scotch terriers, Skye terriers, and Dandie So A Shetland A team of ~ _ Photographs Of Burns's birthplace, farm, a ep pipe, and punch-bowl; a lock of Apam Smirn’s wi wig i JuGALD Stewart's enbealia the Ettrick Shepherd's covers of the first number of the Various editions of The Heart of Midlothian, priately bound in boards with all the Hootoh tartans—and Last, but not least, « tireless set set of Scotch ears, and a countless number o NOK Wy (ih -+ eal crook ; and the ori Edinburgh Review.

Hor AnD Coip.—Peruvian Securities, in a Chili pickle.

THE WAY WE DIE NOW. (A Tragedy of Civilisation.) Scene—A Street in oe heart of a great City on a bleak November night. Bundle of discovered huddled together on a door- step. Enter a Guardian of the Peace. Guardian of the Peace. Come, now, yer mustn’t do that ’ere. Pp, and go ’ome. ag of Rags. [haveno home. I’m very ill. Guardian of the Peace. Well, yer can’t ill ’ere, you know. Come, git up! (Bundle of Rags staggers to its feet.) Oh, yer’ve been a- wept ave me I shall have to run yer in. Now, then ! Bundle of Rags. I haven’t tasted food for three days, I’m starving. Oh, let me be! Let me die here! Guardian of the Peace (softened). Oh, it ain’t drink, ain’t it ? = if yer’ve got nowheres to go to— ere, 1’ll help yer. Come Eig « come along” till they reach the door of a Charitable n Git stitution. A... of the Peace. ’Ere, ’ere’s some one for yer. This ’ere ’oman’s very bad. I’ve ’ad a reglar job to git her along. F aes sceying Bundle of Rags philosophically). H 0.1 (surveying Bundle Pp phically). Have Well, you’ve had your j job for nothing, then. It ain’t our no A It’s the district ‘ouse as is the place for her. [Shuts wicket, Bundle of ce (tottering). But I never get there. Let me lie some, cat Guar of the Peace. No, I can’t let yer do that. You'll git slong fovni enough presently. It’s only a trifle over two mile. OE They a again ‘‘ come a nstitution for the . and arrive at the door of another iation of human —— Guardian of the Peace. ’Ere now, help her in, will yer’; and look . She's very We’ve come all the way from the Charity Shop, down Whitechapel way.

Official No. 2 uecure ingle). Well, and you’ve had your walk for nothing. You must take her to the Asyl um,—that’s what you must dv. Cusetign af fs Peace. Why commas he he ha’ told us that down at the Shop ? hy, the girl ’s well nigh beat. Official No, 2. Well, that’s no business of mine. The Asylum— that’s where you must take her. [ Retires for the night. Bundle of Rags. Me but I can’t go further. I’m dying! Oh, let me lie down :—do, di o let me lie down! Guardian of the Peace. No, now you cheer up; it ain’t much further, and you'll be all right and comfortable when you gits ere. me along! he te a — once more, and reach the gate of an Asylum or the Guardian of 7 "Peace. Now, look sharp there! This ’oman ’s very, bad. She’s almost a-dying. Come now, len ’and, and let’s git her in. saichicia aa . Get her in without a order? What are you in’ 0 Guardian of the Peace. Horder? They said nothink down yonder about a horder. Besides—look at her. She’s as bad as she can be. Why, the girl’s a-dying! Official No. 3. 1 a ad nothing of that. She can’t come in with- out a order. The Bundle of Rags dies, Guardian of the Peace. Well, she won't want one now, girl! _ the Bundle of Rags ts taken in, without an order, as the Curtain falls. =e

A Parnellian Protest. Mr. Parwett, reading this week’s Spectator, came on this sentence :— K « Dary and Kruiew and Davirr may be Fenian Head-Centres for all we now.’ ** Head-Centres those fellows!” he muttered, contemptuously. *** Tail-Centres’ at most!

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; + iF a Laer ree PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Decemper 6, 1879. MARRIAGE AND MELANCHOLY. Mr. Ponca, ue other morning, at breakfast, I in my steta, Vicar of Chureh, Hampstead, against which I wish to protest. For the ence of parties desirous to attend weddings, Mr. Bicx- ERSTETH » as an conveni- marriage, which are from eight to twelve in the forenoon, to the ten hours from eight a.m. to six P.m.” Sir, I consider this a most ———- T ~ persons w al weddi and can’t, are attending to their business. weddings, like myself, and yet occasionally get invited to them, tands, plead business for meng themselves. can, as the law » = it is » be —_—— for ery a — at any time rom early in the morning till late in a persons will be in a great measure deprived of that excuse, and be obliged either to attend weddings against their will, or offend people whom they cannot afford to say ‘‘ No” to. For my own part, Sir, nobody can dislike more than I do attending a funeral; but I dislike attending a wedding rather more than a funeral. After “ Marri .” in the papers, come ** Deaths.” Every wedding means at least two funerals in prospect, and commonly many more, which can be a pleasant thought for nobody but a cynical ertaker. At a funeral you can hold your tongue, and the more dismal you look the better; whereas at a wedding you are expected to laugh and smile, and make attempts at pleasantry and facetiousness whilst, if a rational man, you are inwardly reflecting on the vanity of human wishes in general, and expectation of domestic bliss in particular. These considerations naturally tend rather to depress than elevate the spirits of even a philosopher, not inaccessible to human sympathies in their proper place, like yours truly, Diogenes SMELFUNGUS. _ P.8.—In the re of “‘ Marriages in High Life,” I observe it is generally recorded that the ceremony concluded with Mewrers- soun’s ‘‘ Wedding March.” If 1 were the organist on such an occasion, I should be saens to strike up, as more a iate from a thoughtful point of view, the “Dead March in Saul.” “SAUCE FOR GOOSE NOT SAUCE FOR GANDER.” Mr. Puncu was desing before the fire in his sanctum a few even- ings ago, when his well-earned rest was disturbed by the sudden appearance of a number of foreigners. As they had not been an- nounced, the Sage was naturally angry at their intrusion. “Who are you, Gentlemen?” he cried. ‘‘ And by what right do you force yourselves into my private apartment ? ” “We are Italians,” returned the spokesman of the party, “ and we come here because we presume that you are the representative of that dreadful ignoramus, Signor Jonnw But.” “Mr. Jouw Bout is my very good friend and alter ego,” replied Mr. Punch, hotly ; “ but I am surprised at your daring to call him ” good friend id the Italian, motioning “ your temper, m riend,” sai to his to seat themselves in the easiest chairs the sanctum afforded ; ‘‘and remember that we are only here for your good. Signor Joun Butt requires protection, and we are here to him. i Signor JouNn oy So ee him, is well able to look after himself,” growled Mr. Punch. * Ind yon ene gis . Signer Jomn Buxx has no taste. For generations he been destroying his most interesting, his- torical, and artistic monuments, in name—once of Improvement, lately of Restoration. In your very Temple of Themis, which we passed on our way here from Cannon Street, we found destruction in full swing. Rude hands had been—are even now being laid on the fountain sacred to the genius of Dickens, and on several of the Courts, if dingy, of high historic associations.” “They were the property of the learned Society, I suppose ?” “* Not at all—they belonged to the civilised world. Then look at hen Castle and Cathedral “‘ restorations ’’—Durham and Windsor, isbury Chapter-House, St. Alban’s, Ripon, Hexham !—to name a few only. Nay, what have you done with that most historical of relics—your one surviving City gate—Temple Bar ?” his Palled 4 it down at last—thank the Corpesation !—and a good ing, too. “You have no right to plead convenience as an excuse for irreve- rent Vandalism. It was not at all unlike our own arse of Sighs in Italian eyes. We still saw it crowned with heroes’ heads, and haunted by the ghosts of Jomysoy, Gotpsmitm, and Bosweix. It was a centre of romantic association, if not a thing of beauty. You had no right to destroy it.” “ But it was coming down.” i ous Spee vy might have Cope te it. Lastly, what you_ mean putting bankment ?” hours | CLBopatra’s Needle on the Thames Em “* That ’s our affair, and not yours.” ‘‘A barbarous and insolent plea! Believe me, you are wrong. Even the Americans show a greater for antiquity—more reverence for the fitness of places and things, than you do. eer have found a Governor and a cultiv body of the most natives of Rhode Island to against the transfer of the com- panion obelisk from to New York. You have no right to outrage civilised opinion.” ** Come, I like this!” **But we don’t,” returned the Italian, courteously but firmly. ** Ancient monuments belong to the world, and not only to the people who possess them. Thatreminds us. We have heard that you have lately been laying rude hands on the architecture of your venerable Universities, defiling the reverend age of Oxford with fine new red At this point the patience of Mr. Punch gave way, and he also rn way to such a passionate exclamation of anger that—he awoke! ht ae had disa vy in their place he found * faith- y presenting him with a petition for signature, e Sage glanced f somape the document. **Hum!” said Mr. Punch, “a request to the Italian Government to leave San Marco alone. Very proper indeed! San Marco must be saved at any cost. At the same time I am glad to see that letter from the Italian Minister of Works, giving the assurance that the eyes of the Italian Government are open to the damage that has been y done to San Marco in the name of improvement, and on the watch to prevent its being carried further. Still, it is our duty to look after them!” Then he smiled as he remembered his dream. ‘What an absurd notion! Fancy a pack of Italians daring to in- terfere with our artistic improvements! The idea is too ridiculous! And now for this very pope petition.” And being a thorough Englishman, Mr. Punch signed it. STEP FORWARD AT SOUTHAMPTON. Persons somewhat the juniors of the oldest inhabitant a | recollect that some years the principal Newspaper pronoun Southampton “the most go-ahead town in the South of England.” Since then, owing to adverse circumstances, Southampton has advanced in the path of material prosperity with somewhat shorter and fewer leaps and bounds than formerly; but still, in the moral and intellectual way, continues to make both positive and compara- tive progress. As witness the following scrap of local news :— “It has been decided, by a majority of nine to four of the Council, to open the Hartley Institution at Southampton on Sundays.” Southampton was the birthplace of Dr. Watts, who is commemor- ated by a statue—what matter if rather a comic work of art?—in one of its principal open spaces. Dr. Watts was not only a Poet, but also a Logician and a Divine. As to both divinity and logic the majority of the Southampton Town Council, by throwing the Hartley Institution open on Sundays, may claim to have approved themselves worthy townsmen of Dr. Warts. It may be hopefully anticipated that a considerable decrease in the average number of eases of drunkenness coming before the Southampton Bench on endey. morning will ensue upon the Sunday opening of the Hartley nstitution. Bits and Bridles ; OR, OFFERTORY REMONSTRANTS AND ST. ALBAN’S RECALCITRANTS. Wuew a facer Mackonocute hits At the Law from the contest that sidles, Why complain of Church threepenny-bits, With Church twopenny-halfpenny bridles ? Brnsamin’s Mess.—The pudding which the Opposition asks the Constituencies to prepare for the Government—Sa-go. 6@ To Conausronpasts.— The Edilor docs not hold hi-nself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by @ stamped and directed envclope. Copies should be kept. [BS €BSb SESse ge f

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Decemper 13, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI._ FLUNKEIANA. “ Hoiio, Nourxins! SvuRELy, you CAN sWEEP AWAY THE SNOW FROM THE Door-STgP WITHOUT HIRING THOSE Taree Boys!” ‘*] TARE THE REMUNERATION ON MYSELF, Sin. I SHOULD LOSE MY CHANCE OF ANOTHER PiAce iF I was sBEN DOING ‘ Parnocni1aL’ Work !” A DANGEROUS JUDGE. Mr. Justice Hawxrs is, ue fear, a very dangerous and revolutionary person. of his having recently at tral Criminal Court sentenced a man to seven years’ servitude merely for en- dangering his vife’s fe by a savage assault — and when he was drunk, too, and therefore, of course, irresponsible. But even worse than this monstrous di rtion between the crime—if crime it can be called—and the punishment, is the reason gra for it—"‘ that this kind of assault must be stopped As though it were not of infinitely more importance to society—in these days—that the due ty macy of the male and the My ay of the husband hould be that the li d limbs of yh Fry gee ves an 8 0 De mintenio—eaye a well-known legal maxim—non eurat lex, As little should it care de minoribus ; and women — wives in particular—are the minores in the social hierarchy. Imperial Pop! Deak Mr. Ponca, Wuart glorious sport the dear old Emperor - Germany, “ at the head of a iant party,” had o a recent Sunday at Wusterhausen, bag: 287 head ‘of me, myeating 186 deer of sorts, 99 wild and 12 , I he ha | brilliant Setup, out tof the or wo guns presen Let us it is Imperial “Majesty. 4 The I less bad ioe was not has at his time of life Vy lon the pleasure of seeing his g badgerin we are os * to old face amo am, dear Mr. Punch, Yours, devotedly, GERMANICUS. Morro ror Mr. LasovcnERe (appearii in various Courts of Jaw). — “* Lab-itur @ omne volulilis avum ‘or himsel , Aeon i eee THE MODERN “ NINE.” Xie Mana all single Tad pert and pitertane us o- were uses, Ladies, over ‘Music an Y ad ther accompli snaat, under the naa cal rtrnage of ih Hs heathen divinity, Apollo. the newspapers have within the last few da informed rarer a that Nine Ladies, four married and five single, have TSE Stee, Senet of Se hcieen School d, to wi » wri ‘ hy, history, an and | tye branches of leurning, nde nadae he soodidsnar aul idance of Sir CHARLES this is the first time lad i i other Women’s Col- leges, to know what was the exact ceremonial observed at the first meeting of the new Board at their Offices on the Thames Embank- ment. selected by competitive examination, and scouring carpet was carefully examined by the official in several places some needful repairs were lished. pone oon al vee furniture was well — over and atch | paniment of the officers of the several divisions by whisk they had been , headed by the Recorder, entered and advanced down the room, to the seats ae to them, on the right air As soon as the Ladies were seated, b ted to them by the the nine junior male To k. The married Ladies wore — sone, Whe _ at ae with lace re. or fichus ey were all pe y com XB National Anthem was sung by the entire Board, to the accom- iano. ee and tea, with cake, biscuits, and white and brown bread and butter, were then served by the Board servants, in state liveries. Ra B. - yorvent amapenstation, £0 oa we are anxious to ~~ that the whole 0 e ex expenses—char women. iano, decorations, refreshments and liveries—were Yatrayel by the male members, wey, aed gon Chairman and Vice-Chairman were then elected. The Chairman delivered, his openin eddrons, which was inter- rsed with graceful selseeneee fo 1 to his Lad colleagues, and to APPHO, ConnetiA (not Cornelia Blimber, but ‘‘ the mother of the Graccnt”), Boapicea, Hannan Mors, Mrs. Barpavp, Mrs, Exs- = yt ras then proceeded with. All the Lad 0 usiness was e y took a distinguished in , 5 and the newly-elected ones delivered their maiden Lomas t the cueet the meeting, the le Board again uped them- sbets (in w position they were pho otographed), and sang a The Lady mem rs then eurtsied to the Chair, ‘and quitted the room. After they had resumed their fur-lined cloaks and shawls, y | the xl Beadle entered, and made a communication to the Chair- with the Vice-Chairman, the nine junior mem and the Clerk, k, immediately quitted the Board-room, and escorted the Ladies to carriages. * ale Briann then sung by the rest of the Board, and the meeting broke ‘* LORD SEND US A GUDE CONCEIT 0’ oonsELS!”’ “ Waar Scotland thinks to-day England will think to-morrow.” —From a Scotch Correspondent. AA

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI ~ ws, , > —. ex rang — LAN = ITALIAN HOT WATER FROM OVER THE PORTICO OF SAN MARCO.

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December 13, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. it s' iW, y Vihia / Noble M.F.H. (to his Wife). ‘‘ Husn, Jenny! Her Ladyship. ‘‘ 1 wisn I was on oLp Beevm. Noble M.F.H. ‘‘SaNDERS SAYS HE’LL JUMP ANYTHING. Her Ladyship. ‘‘ Weut, YOU GO FIRST, AND TAKE IT WITH You. I’LL FOLLOW.” AT THE COVER-SIDE. THERE HE GOES—STRAIGHT FOR Morton Broox!”’ I ’VEz NEVER TRIED THIS Horse aT WarTeER.” So, THROW YouR HEART OVER, AND SEND HIM AT IT.” THE ART OF ARGUING. (Useful Hints for Polemical Politicians and Others.) In the first place, it should be distinctly understood that the Art of Arguing has nothing whatever to do with what is known to logicians as the Art of Reasoning. There is, indeed, diametrical opposition between the two Arts; and the rules of one would i t them to the other. — complete inversion to sole aim of Arguing is to your opponent (apparently) in the wrong, to which end it is by no means necessary that - tlt shouldbe (realy) in the right Nile The ‘ = ini expression has orce to take place through the medium eell-beny J —mnadhed pom crs often prodigiously long ones. ords are open to various con- structions, and sentences may be taken in many senses, and in almost any sequence. The sense in which the original speaker uses his words, or the sequence in which he chooses to arrange his sen- tences, are matters wholly immaterial—save to himself. In these “TiS ayct bnvcstand putatiols, oo vule, ofa Ans of Aria e impo’ principle, or e, 0 e Art o i ily summarised in the words, “‘ Pic oat .” the finest fruits of argument a A your 8 ;P upon it ‘‘ the only reasonable con- struction” (the one which suits you, of course) show—to your own satisfaction—its utter Cpa then triumphantly pooh-pooh the ‘ ny of your | : oom payee nee of which ve given so fair a specimen. protest against your con- ion of his words or your redistribution of his sentences, you led to notice his protest ; and your hearers—if of your own way of thinking—will certainly not do so. You are therefore ate ape bg ay fk er, so vigorously raised as to secure public attention, you have only to retort that ‘** All reasonable people (invaluable formula this) must have taken the words in the sense in which you have taken them,” that however he may now strive to *‘ explain them away” (another invaluable formula suggesting disingenuousness and moral obliquity on the part of your opponent), the impression they conveyed, and you doubt not were then meant to convey, is such as you yourself received. This adroit rejoinder, of course, entitles you to go on giving your own original interpretation of his statement, which you do per- sistently ; and as he cannot devote his whole life to the repetition of protest and refutation, you must ultimately succeed in fastening your own construction upon his expressions, which of course is the aim and end of all arguing. It will be seen at once what splendid facilities the Art of Argu- ment affords for discrediting an opponent's ju ent, and—what is perhaps more important still—damaging his character. A Sophist and a Q.C. rolled into one could do no more in such matters than a skilled Arguer, though the latter may be as ignorant of dialectics as Buridan’s ass. A lengthy speech, for example, can hardly be oneal weighed or fully criticised in the compass of a short leader without the sion by the writer of the latter of such unusual and little-called-for commodities as candour, impartiality, and judicial balance. But by the use of the invaluable ** pick and pooh-pooh ” formula, you can —well, there is hardly anything that you can not do, except justice to your opponent’s argument, which, of course, is the very last thing that an Arguer is likely to attempt. Gladstone—the Man and the Bag. Tae Man and the to hold a chap’s swag Must be built on a different plan ; There ’s no end of what goes into the Bag, And no end of what comes out of the Man!

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dF ode = A eye =o ee —— oe 268 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Dacemsen 13, 1879. SKULLS FOR CIGAR-HOLDERS. Fen ee. i fon cas vow ied hh would be much more theatrical. Tuere have lately been displayed'in Piccadilly, in the shop- window of Mr. Warp, the famous Taxidermist and Naturalist, numerous specimens of human skulls, neatly as cigar-cases and tobacco-holders. In the former character, cranvum is pierced with holes, through which the cigars stand out, — quills aoe the fretful m Pal »cus a quo of these ghastly cs of mortality. Probably they may be Zulu crania—war-trophies brought back ome our bloods, fresh — Routh-Afriaa Ww ot wi itd its practices. e know that savage warriors— Pon—an0 fond of turning the heads of their arated account as ornaments and symbols of prowess, if not as cigar-boxes. | this appropriation of foemen’s skulls to yrenn ® once of use and ornament among oursel a distinct civilisation, and establishes another Me x pe on : between us and our sa Considering the space weed” in what some persons Bn E Fs F. are in the habit of calling their * ” it be thought that to employ brain-pans as Cty ~ is the most natural use for them, that in fact it is rather than receptacle for a rare brand of “ Inti fragrant ‘“‘ El Gebelli.” Still, most an act of disrespect to a pa cranium prejudice against treating the relics of mortality—even black—with R a familiarity bordering on contempt. Others, it is true, “make no bones of it,” to this class, no doubt, the proprietors of these ghastly tobacco- all know the old saw, *' De mortuis nil nisi bonum”™; but to bone ‘em first, and then trepan their skulls to sti i i step further than most would like new. If we were Mr, Waxp, we should be on our guard against the very public display at present made in his window of these post mortem ‘* porte-cigares,” E SOME HINTS FOR A REAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. Cuarrer I, Prefatory Remarks —Ezxisting Instructors— Probabilities—Inquiries —To be continued in our next. * In a recent most friendly notice of the Personal Reminiscences of the A. D. C., Cambridge, the Saturday Reviewer makes a sug- gestion as to a modus operandi for a University Dramatic Lecturer, which has seemed to be eminently worthy of amplification. To this logical and fair development, | now address myself in the few papers I shall have the honour to lay before the public, which is already interesting itself in the encouragement of a School of Dramatic Art, to be on the same platform, at least, with the Schools of Painting and Music. Where there’s a will there’s a way, and where there’s a want there ’s safe to be a supply. There is a growing demand for a School of Dramatic or rather for a College within a University, to be called “ The Mac- ready,” “ The Kemble,” “ The Kean,” or “ The Phelps,” as the most modern of the Colleges in Oxford is called ‘ The ”—to which, by the way, one lrish gentleman, hearing another call it ‘‘ The Kable College,” sent his so ws Gs © Egan a Seeee, a telegraph post in the United Atlantic Cable Co. ; If a College could not at first be obtained, a Professorship of the Dramatic Art might be instituted at Saaabesien, where the stage of me D. C. (or Amateur Dramatic Club) y offers admirable ties. Let a few energetic patrons of the Drama subscribe to endow « rofessorship and a Scholarship. Who would be the first Professor , On looking over the Era, LF an three advertisements about in- P struction, or, as it is Mo FAK, — By fession.’” The first is f by Mr. Cox, who ** Contanues to Prepare Lapres awp GewriemeEn for the Dramatic PRoression, and Amateurs for Patvate PeRPoRMANcEs.” The second is the announcement that “Me. Horace Wieax Preraues Ports for the Sraen. All Lessons im strict confi- oe. I should like to witness a “ strictly confidential” Lesson. Fancy the secresy!—the mystery !—the instructions never delivered in anything above the lowest stage-whisper, a great deal of the action being taught by the most intense pantomime, and the Pupil b bound over, by the most solemn oaths, “never to repeat a sin word of what he or she had been taught i the ‘ strictly confidential’ Lesson!” Brayyo, Horace! True to your old semtiment—** Od profanum v P us. It would be better for these two ‘‘ Stage-Coaches” to unite and Horace Wicow. Horace Wicorr. ese are merely by-the-way sr much.” — The third Advertisement in the Era is of Esq., J. R. Puawcusé, Esq., J. Hortisesmeap. “Horace Wicorr” sounds like the name of some distinguished “Proceed!” said the young man, ‘‘ Your story interests me YNDHAM, “THE NEVILLE DRAMATIC SOHOOL,— Patrons —H. Iavie, vate A. SoTHERN lien ba Lessons. Pubile Performances" Papls taining efslnsyaastd i obtain ing Engagemen To what extent does the patronage of the P. lecture for nothing ? or do they simply eome Does Mr. H. Invrye, enter one of the Class- School, and singling out one little Pupil from all the | ae . B + ‘Comm niITHER, Bor!” a Ticket-of Brother Sam’ to r m’s message el do the Patrens simp! iY in . . x the the declarations od Tenigny, encourage th trons go? Do they patronise ? of the N. D. reat, say,

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December 13, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 269 Do the Patrons “ Private Lessons?” ‘“‘ Private Lessons” | St. Paul was full-length, standing in an erect posture, with his arms abruply into the Advertisement, that at is sae lifted a abe am sure no Englishman ever saw in church. | appears ike the name o a prof doonatie yaad Ts this what it means? Is ‘‘ Private Lessons” a cele mili drill-master, whom not to know argues the resent tary” dl ? if I vate Lessons’ pardon / rite any ralation to Ocnporal Penishmass? ee HOW OUR COUNTRY COUSIN WILL SPEND THE WEEK IN LONDON. up to Londen te ssp the Cottle Show. bout, the stresta smoking smoking a cigar, wearing @ pot- erlrooas in Plcaily andthe Strand 4 uit of fen very new Seek ae - Chembor of diver who thes 6. He will liberally patronise -cabs and omnibus knife- 7. If the frost continues, he will be seen in skates on the ice in St, James's P Gardens. He will visit tho Crystal ans tho Westmianter Aquarium, ool tal ean eeen eee the acrobats than in th wonten Nature or Art. He will dine at a table d’héte he can get four courses, a desert and tring bund, all fo small sum of three-and- CorPorRaL PUNISHMENT. “hae ; . He will visit theatres, and ao Bis nied wilh the ee ( Aboliohed.) wh ot yee ue and the ~t re aq outcome, I su: , of the e assist at m ving su ing and when ? The t line hairman by drinking bad brandy and smoking strong oe to Efficient Davie is the most suggestive as to the wah. duties made cigars in large quantities. of the Patrons. ouldn’t Mr. Inve be glad to hear of 12, and last. He will at some time or other spend about a few hours new, if only giving promise of a future Erren Terry? at the on Show (the object of his visit to Town) and will then wouldn’t Mr. yey rejoice in a coming Neuire Fanren ? | return to the bosom of his family, with a muddled head and an Long life to the two Nexxres of the Lyceum and the Gaiety ! cugty pedis MORE RITUALISM ? THE PULPIT IN PERIL. Dus Boom, Parocniat Mr Wuar are ty coming to next? or rather, what are these No doubt TT Warem, M.P. man, | Ritualists — at St. Paul’s be a po dare} I thought the Bed been ry ge long ago, but a i ing,” | surely it cannot be, as itor np oavertiond, © svad wane Eee many Latin j i in large type, and evidently alten “of high “euthority, the eS ES yreight, ee i following :— Le ut, for all that, . iffer from} « Bishop Ken's aprrcech to the Hi to ol mp ¢ n superfine him. Recommending our cloth with ved edges, —-.. ad oy +. oe tse clack” i established Isn’t it dreadful to think of ! tat «tet that purpose; and then went on to| @llowed to go on in this way, there is no saying in what fantastic ange the will approach the aiies comm. os aietidten ted. “ 0 not choose v sles matesiiie, mp ¢ so bac I fear, however, that our pulpits themselves have something to answer ma fy. aaa be very uncomfortable to conduct a for in this matter, sad then ah oa ae ae eons fo likely Fr to altered ence beard an Ameren rench moroceo, No doubt is more in it than meets the eye ; © sae So Oy 0 $ + but the Se ee and I am sure if you would draw attention to it, we would soon t to be mags eribb’d, ’ Ba wos or stone box 8 ew feet | have some more culprits brought before dear old Lord Penzance above the diesticks| who would be sure to punish them severely for such Papal ith « bret boatand ae front, and a pair of can Pp y py that full expressi ractices. remain, dear to the re rot th > soul which the attitude of a preacher townrds his ; Ay tA - snp Sree oe Martin House, Memweer or tue ©.A, With all due dstennes to Mr. Watrzn, In St, Alban’s Lane, N.W. Gladstone's Progress. (How it looks from different sides.) ** A deputation of the weav then presented Mr. Guanston® with phen + stuff for a ae coat and waisteoat, and shephe rd’s plaid trousers.”’—Scotch sagen, passim. From the Liberal of View.—" Favourite eueme pattern for Gala- shiels tweeds--The Gladstone Conservative zo, ve the Government Stand- Point. pi De pod ery and a little meant for | wool!”

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Tommy (o

ne

PUNCH, oR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Decemser 13, 1879.

| OG FT| | | ll a WV A PROT

’ \ SAAAAS)S ; NY) hy SEN Ap <<

A f |! ee | hil ECTOR. na Visit to his Grandmamma in the country). “ No ¥zan oF Tareves on Bueciars yow, Aunt Mary, wits A Man’s Hat AND COAT HANGING Ur IN THE Hatt!”

THE COLOSSUS OF WORDS. Drwrytsiep heads let leseer tonguesters hide ; He stands, the Word-Colossus, with a stride Of such portentous stretch, As e’en the wearer of the seven- -league boots Might envy. Who supremacy disputes With one who can a nimble compass fetch, Puck-like, in forty columns, from the Turk To hypothee, from Beacons¥IELp’s black work In three distracted continents, unto The small Midlothian mischiefs of Bucc.evcu ? The swift tumultuous torrent, To Tories and tired editors abhorrent, Flows on like Phlegethon, a fiery flood Of vocal lava, scathing, as it flows, All foes, Yet lucent - the wells of King BLabDvup. low should one hope, By use of iets or sounding trope With such a stream descriptively to cope ? Lodore’s loud water- floods, the brook of Tennyson, Niagara, an angry woman’ 8 tongue, An Irish mendicant’s i ironic son, And all similitudes e’er said or sung Suggestive of tumultuous, never stopping, Onpouring or down-flopping, Fail wholly, as his way war he carries on. None but himself can furnish fit comparison. For fire DemosTHENEs, ce, may serve, And Burxe for force and verve, For grace his friends may count him i But stintless flueney henceforth ’s Gladstonian. Surely, since first the roving Statesman stumped, The <7" ear was never so bethumped With words—words— words Spontaneous as the jargoning of birds—

And quite as asiaieiiiie protest his foes. For eloquence too easily that flows Wakes in the solid Saxon vague mistrust. Dullards who pin their faith to Dryasdust, Cold hearts that shiver at zeal’s fervent rush, Cynics who brand all earnestness as eee, ho look on principles as pilots risky, Think right and Linaies 8 things that, like neat whiskey, is needful to dilu ute, Before the common taste and needs they ‘Il suit,— Declare, with air contemptuous or solemn Sound wisdom spouts not column upon a Like ever-squirting Tritons in a fountain, But talks précis Th. ee aes us. ridiculus That after all is born of this big mountain Of vapid though exuberant ver re Inspired by eran animosity But ear-witch ions at the grumblers laugh, Satire itself must marvel though it chaff, And sober judgment, while it well might wish The oratoric dish Were quintessentialised to smaller compass, Yet, midst all party and — rumpus, Pithly the burden of i eet o bears Blithely the burden of his sevent _ ocr A true Colossus, firml ld The light of printples to boi to Phoust and hold Amidst time-se: and vagaries, And, like the Sun- od of the of the Rhodian Chares, While a world’s wonder to the common view, A useful beacon too.

A SAFE AUGURY. Tae {member of the European Happy Family whose life is most threatened just now—Turkey.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—December 13,1879. y rs = FINANCE = S—— s = Se / FOREIGN 3 ee Ys 4 / ~ ~ —— = SS THE COLOSSUS OF WORDS.

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Decempzr 13, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 273 “ PICTURE LESSONS IN NATURAL HISTORY.” Aporrep By THE Lonpon Sonoon-Boarp ! ! Here is a frank t by our friends of the School transferred verbatim the advertisement column of their | 5, own ucational organ. "aay they not only take thei “ Little Adopted” to the water, but HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON, (Being a Dickens of a ow 3 the use of Visitors to the | de = ) SLUR. .—A sort of Happy Family, No broils permitted. es ITED SERVICE CLUB.—A Sunday A 7 for the union "yint and Booond of ae erening serviese Gh services Lanna ‘erate enone given SERVI For the exhibition of « ello: tion of dinner, tea, and breakfast—Postal and aT donor gi giving a service to the Museum “7 writes to the Society, and says, ‘‘ My service to you,” and all further formality is un- UN me ONITED UNIVERSITY CLUB. ca wilh the to have Russian clivities on account of its connection the Cassock and the error arisen some mistake in “ Cassock.” Ps this we been .. to all, the Club m motto would have been * Russ in ur’ UNIVERSITY COLLEGE. Gowns Srreet).—Divided in facul- ties—which is a pity, as it ong to be united. It is governed by various authorities, ees wae in virtue a thei ir x mee, ye =, and Vie py -— y rou be per are su or niversity w in bad way In omsequence of there. be we tA 80 many Bohol I lar-shi . pa) re ‘it - "t oarder ‘i il Mo ee boned, ieesunt he —— AS FD $ mediaiely cals for the | (Ret Se ee _ The following is a list of the Andrews Prizes — divided into oe _flassos, Sad Andoows, for serious subjects ; and Merry Andrews, for jocose examinations. Prizes for Students of One Year's Standing. (a) If a Student stands for one year, he gets a prize. The prize is ¢ See cating” Ss Cyeeee Sr De gest buy yeewy and he certainly eserves i (6) If he ‘‘ stands” drinks to the Students and Professors all round for one year, he 2 res toa prize, y a cup, of some sort, not to hold less © quet 44 and refuses to go in for either of for thet inde fhe paar ua fem, on which he enn ait The Teller Se ~— » ths hewn het 6 anal innings. The sie Stuart rene Scholarship.—For those who have been Thee Hume Sehlerahipe—F or Hume-orous wri Medicina Any Student, om Ay can himself 4 take 80 ie yecke boxes of pills within a given aculty of Medicine, and is presented the incident in MacavLay’s poem of We .—To be gained by the Scholars who Wi ytd ye ha —_ UNIVERSITY OF LONDON, —A development of the above Educational Institute, but possessing the power of granting The mageee of ‘‘ Bachelor” is given to anyone who is not to * TAUDEV VILLE THEATRE.—In the Strand. Celebrated for its James’s powder, its THorne, and its Two s. For nearly five years it floated on Our Buoys, Fr d + b4 Brron. During that time, whenever yh visited were the Buoys —familiarly known as and there was the ‘i J ** Joumy ’—and Mr. nonin voprenente * Jimmini” in the Theatrical Zodiac —or the y The name of the theatre is a trouble to VERULAM CLUB.—* little India Rubber is VETERINARY CO nounce and write the name fine. VICTORIA CLUB. — Brey member in this crab ie! ~ lus. on VICTO PARK. —Some to rae Beau worth ‘ AR OFFICE. = Wheve are Anyone wanting | a war—a war of toro sort war, must appl tion as Wars fon entrance is near between ten an four every Marshals rt 7 the octal in in Se ieee -glasses by the hour on the most reasonable terms. be able to pro- dinner. Open Vet or a Victoria. Bre Bette kes lui, or rather Park, the cele- to be LORD AND pe | ool “ Soon after the vacancy in the Chair a death of be yp Gch Mas a by a number of members of the fessor, was poosented to Lord Ray it would tend greatly to the advance of of the University, freait his Lordship wo' the Chair. Weare authorised to state that Lord Rayizion has meu to become a candidate; and pe A dae ea peg ny set bony © t-t the electors, 1s it ro ty of a con! 60 strong 4 ex in favour of Lord Rariaion’ 8 claims.” — University Intelligence, Cambridge. “ Don,” they say, comes from ‘‘ Dominus ;” and Dominus is Latin for “ Lord.” But when) before was Lord seen in gown of Don, or Don in robe of Lord? The House of Cavendish has supplied Devon- shire with Dukes, and science with discoveries ; and Borie was the scion of a noble House, as well as a world-renowned Chemist ; but neither CaveNDIsH nor BoxLE ever wrote himself down Professor. Lord in the Professor's Chair—if it be only Lord by courtes wr Cambridge till now has never seen, nor Oxford maine 5 os ant at Lord a Senior- Wrangler, and First Surru’s Prizeman to a wonder if all competition is cowed, and an LM way srt, The name is of candidates for Lord Ray.eian to take the name is of happy a Such blended rays of rank — science this Lord-high P Professor's aureole, that he would be 4 3 did not his very gait proclaim his race, —‘'Verus et incessu patuit Strutt!” tal Physics, caused by tion, influential! — _ who appoint ro- wt their opinion, og and to the advantage Street Lamps and Street Names. Ay inhabitant of Cottonopolis writes to Punch to say that at Manchester the lamps at the corners of all the | thoroughfares within the City boundary rood for a long time had names of the streets legibly painted on them. Another example to the London District Boards—and nearer home than Geneva. Two other London Vestries, Lambeth and Southwark, have, Punch is glad to hear, adopted this much-needed improvement. But es people don’t drive out much to late in these regions, the benefit of street names on street lamps does not reach this class ~ > will Punch be to keep “ ” defi ow ‘unc. ve away lore all London fo blessed. with Fp ea A oA Query. Herne is an oddly-worded advertisement from The Guardian :— PRIEST is desirous to obtain a situation as NURSERY GOVER- NESS or Companion for a Young Lady. Is this mere\y bad grammar, or worse Ritualism ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decempezr 13, 1879.

win

|

- T, J) ~~ Hh |

A IRS ' | | te SSS » ) RY Qe Ss ae =S= sé Pe SF me “HONESTY THE BEST POLICY.” Country Practitioner (surprised at the visit of a notorious Quack and Pill-vendor). ‘‘ Wat.! WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE! ?” Quack (evidently suffering from disturbed peristaltic action). ‘‘ We.t, Sin, THE FACT 18, I FEEL RATHER QUEER, AND——” Country Practitioner. ‘‘ THEN WHY DON’T YOU TAKE ONE OF youR ‘PARIS oF HEALTH’ ?” Quack, “‘ Taat’s sust it, Str! 1 THrnkx 1’VE SWALLOWED ONE—BY MISTAKE!”

CATTLE SHOW PRIZES, 1879. FACTS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN. Case. (Being London Jottings from an Italian Traveller's Note Book.) Fon the bull that has behaved with the greatest discretion in « ne as gta ai - irk writ the bull | that has allowed itself to be taker. by the horns with memorable, Veni, rid Bit? a rye . a "i sof the, cow that has accomplished the highest approximate jump) g¢ Kensington daily, by order, from ten tofire.” | For the finest pair of calves. (N.B.—Footmen are not eligible for Ttalion Sea ities for Music dates from the importation of

this Prize.) 5 That the Underground Railway runs for fourteen miles through . maaan the ancient Catacombs of the ae ; For the pen of sheep that have suffered themselves to be most| That the Egyptian Hall was built for his own entertainments, by easily fleeced. ‘ RAMESES THE SECOND. For the best battering ram. And, lastly, that the ‘“‘ Vandalic demolition of Temple Bar destroy<d For the most sheepish sheep. the sole vestige of the ancient Wall of London.” For the sweetest sheep's eyes. For the flower of the flock. Pics. Sentries in the Shivers. For the sow with ears best adapted for the manufacture of silk! Lonp Excuo has repeated his last year’s appeal to “ the highest military authorities,” on behalf of the Guards on sentry at St. purses. J For the litter most contented either to go to market or to stay at | James’s Palace, clothed during the bitterest weather, as they are in are su home, to eat roast beef or to have none. July. Isthis because Privates of the ‘‘ Coldstream For the least pig-headed pig. to be peculiarly capable of standing a low temperature? In the For “ the fattest hog in Zricunvé’ stye.”’ meanwhile our Guards remain exposed, at nearly zero, without For the biggest bore in the place. great coats; so that instead of the ‘‘ Coldstream,” those gallant fellows might well be called the Sans Casaques. IMPLEMENTS. For the ‘ Elevator” best caleulated to raise the spirits without causing inebriation. c=

HIS NATIVE ELEMENT. Tue King of Apyssrnza, or the “ Negus,” as his title is in the vernacular, wants to get access to the sea. Very naturally. Who “ Boarp” Wacxs.—Sandwich Pay—a shilling a day! ever heard of Negus without Port ?

aa

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| Decensen 13, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 275 ip, “} i= 7, SR, a ae WA Se 7 a Oe — * —- i= ae nN TAKING MEASURE. Sirm,—susT HERE! Tailor (to stout Customer), ‘‘ HAVE THE KINDNESS TO PUT YOUR FINGER ON THIS BIT OF TaPz, I’LL BE ROUND IN A Mivore!”’ WANTED, A LAMBETH LEO. ls Leo Romanus about to claim kin, and roar in concert with Leo Britannicus by sud- oes, one * Cultur- down gee PurcHases, when caught overleaping the metes and bounds of Law, and butting episcopal authority boldly in the face ! Putting it Short. Exvectors of Midlothian, ’Tis yours to speak your will, By choice ’twixt a Or a still greater Bill Blood Relations and Brothers. Tae leaders of the Irish Land Agitation may be con on ha developed Nihilism amongst a section of their com triots. ee 2 eens oematene ust the same as Russian Nih " , indeed, Nihilism as practised by Nihilists all the world over, on the principle of assassinating, so as to anni , everyone they object to. MAGNETS AND MAGNATES, “The Berlin Post states that while at Vienna recently, Prince Bismarck, in private conversation, explained the object of his visit to be to discover, with the assistance of his friend, Count ANDRAssY, a political magnet strong enough to attract and hold fast all the elements of peace to be found in Europe : in other words, to devise means for — 1 that is in favour of in Europe in the common service of peace, and for laying the foundation of a union strong enough and comprehensive enough to insure the mainte- nance of peace.’’ Pruxce Bismarck in search of a magnet of peace! Horse-shoe magnet? Oh, no—not a bit! ’Tis a rather different kind of hoof— The cloven—his magnet must fit. But with Brsmancx there, and Beaconsrretp here, For Peace laying heads together, If Brass and Iron can fence her from fear, All war-storms she’s safe to weather ! SOMETHING LIKE SPORT FOR A QUEEN. kindly and intelligent young Kin to Madrid with the aed ge bm 0 pus at least Teutonic princes do the killing—they are not satisfied to on at i Joun Butt even has bulls of his own to fight—Papal, Irish, Jingo, and others. But for Bull-fighting pur et simple, Spain, and only Spain, ‘‘ goes the entire animal.” Talk of Progress Royal or National! May Royal and National en sy in Spain never get beyond the Bull-ring! Viva el Cam- peador! Vival’Espaiia! “ WARSPITE AND OUR SAILOR BOYS.” Sucu is the heading of an appeal on behalf of the Marine Society, which, from the day it placed its first training-ship on , bas meeoned far Geomsend tale deue-4e Gece, and betes caly more hospitable than the streets. Think of the of young- sters thus “‘ set afloat ” in sense—lives which, but for this chance, had been .+~ to the wreck of the slum, the gin-shop, and gael, and own that peace’s sweetness has brought forth few fruits so good as War’s spite turned to such Marine Society with its floating homes and schools, and the Sailor’s Hospital at wich, are two of the charities most desery- ing in the eyes of Brrrannia and the “‘ sweet li i up aloft to watch for the life and soul of Jack,” omens the many works for which all our i. may, with muc’ comfort, be put in our pockets, in these hard times and at this Christmas season. A ‘Pall Mall” Protest. “Two Russian cruiser corvettes, the Rasdoynik and the Nayesdnik, which recently anchored in the neighbourhood, have seized the ity of trying their machinery on the measured mile in Stokes Bay.’’—Naval Intelligence. Russian cruisers off the Motherbank! In-Solent!

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CH HARIVARI. [Decemser 13, 1879, RULES FOR RELIEVING DISTRESS WITH DISCRIMINATION. (By a Discreet Alms-giver.) 1. Never give away a penny indisoriminately. If a beggar tells you hes is ie anes order him to come to you the next day. is appearance, it is a proof of the flsabsod. oft statement. If it had been true, -* oor have died ne = night. flor od %. If a beggar asks you for mone y 3 ig. ing, gi A him or her x idip vustod mn The Polioe. a : available f f you are im te ee give a letter of introduction te a Hospital, ref pore unless the applicant can produce two c 4. Ife or cdr, asks you for bread, eat sure that the children are a hot dinner waiting for her aha 5. If a you to ny her Vee ot wy penny a ata Panay in robabili 6. It a Werke yg in better atoms romp = Lares times, hints that that a a few save by family and himself from t course ; but do not iiss the al .S the con- y of his present poverty past okeesses in eating 7. If any one asks you for under any circum- before you edtertain the tion, require— EI & AT THE CATTLE SHOW. Young Farmer. “ Ant You ford or Breasts, Miss GosHERrTon !” Mise Gusherion. “Om, REALLY, Mn. Pawxken, IF YoU MEAN THAT AS A| Tue Monenw Mencnant or Ventct.—The Restorer DEecLARATION, YOU MUST SPEAK TO MammMa!”’ 6. If these docutnents are quite satisfactory, 9 the dA to the oo Society. y, never rules dest oe Heaven helps ‘at elp themselves” — not that help others. The second—*' Tha charity begins at home, and ought, as a rule, to end there.” If there is an exception to this rule, it is ten pened to one that it is not the case in which a made to you. who sells the Visitors. THE END OF THE TUG AT STAMBOUL, (See Punch’s recent Cartoon.) ‘Putz, Devil! Pull, Baker!” The end of the HS ade — the Devil, in bear-skin, horned, tailed, and ; eT ey silly Briraw once more to the hug’ 8 come, Baker Paswa’s on the broad of his back. To Asia Minor he’s sent on a mission, To observe—if he can—and on Reforms ; But to make them—that wo beyond Anpvt’s prevision, Pyon: Pashas in protest, and eee in sterms. On, to quicinante a little more of anchors, more folding the fat to sleep, A fittle more squaring of Galata bankers, A little more shearing of ovet-aborn And when Laranp of saving the ee peg rasher, By coaxing or scolding, no can see— Your Bull in a China-shop’s far the worst smasher When a Nineveh winged Bull it happens to be— Bag and bases, at last. ap Go end of - hp na With his Pashas poor Padi pen Leaving BraconsFreLp, Bui, ee F. 0. They have not mixed All Fools’ up with Valeuuec'e ‘Dey? A Christmas Box—on the Ear. We read in the Globe— “The Directors of the North British Railway aap Sng an pipe that they imtend to reduce the salaries of ali their by 20 per cent.” Canny Scots! pexcu’s ORLD-FAMED KET-BOOK, [HE GREAT RESTORER, OR 1880, (JANNOT be too HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. ([HOUSANDS of TESTIMONIALS, from ALL PARTS of the R. PUNCH’S FOOD m, ‘YOUNG avd , OLD. Agreeable ! Digestible!! Exhilarating!! There ’s not a —_ site on earth Than Fleet x | 85, Where Mister Pune provides the mirth, And wit and wisdom thrive Here on the window cast your x Then in your purse you ‘li loo! And, after that, walk in and buy Your Punch’s Pocket- Book. AWN-TENNIS. For the Classic Origin of this Game, see Punch’s Pocket- Book for 1680. AMLET THE DANE.—For a learned and ag ari er essay on this St creation of SusksPBane’s genius, see Punch’s Pocket- Book for 1880. ALADDIN THE YOUNGER : New Lacuts vor Oxp Owns. See Punch's Potket Book for 1880. [*cREsseD DIARY SPACE in Punch’s Pocket-Book for 1880. Witrram’s Favoterrre Sweerte (suet wow). —Butter-Beotch. an Sayre, +! @@ To Conassronpants.—The Sditor does not hold hi: bound to acknowledge, return, or ay adeno should be kept. y for Contributvons, In no case oan these be returned unless accompanied by @ ie di ti ee ee meee i | ot ot tt bh et we I ssseum: eat eneen

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Decemper 20, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 277

(il (

yA / INOPPORTUNE. Newsboy (to irritable old Gent who has just lost his Train), “‘ Buy A Comic Paper, Sie?!” (Luckily, the old Gentleman was out of breath from his hurry. BEGGARY AND THRIFT. A Wae has suggested that the word ‘‘ Mendicant” might be held to convey the secondary sense, ‘‘ Mend I can’t.” An exception to this view of mendicancy appears to have had currency in a case reported from Torquay, and entitled “‘“A ggar with a Banking Account.” A Mr. Henry Coarers, ** who said he came from London,” was summoned before the local police-court, charged with begging :— “ Constable Pxittirs saw the defendant going from house house begging, and secreted himself in a house the prisoner would call at in the course of his round. When the prisoner door, the constable answered, and prisoner asked he was a distressed esman. The to custody, and on searching him found acknowledgment of a deposit in the Post . Prisoner was sentenced to seven days’ hard not more than enasticoable if Mr. Coszes, though on system, a berate beggar, a beggar dis- i professional to mendicancy is that it it this is a crime that can hardly by money, and owns a . Arrest and impri- for the present Mr. Coares’s career ; and saving, who knows but have succeeded in amassing a d or a sum cient to enable him There is little chance that the of Correction will do much towards correcting this mendicant. He will poole continue begging and saving, and in o to keep permanently out of the workhouse. er

Latest from Rome. “The Burope publishes a telegram from Rome stating that the Due de Veapuna has purchased from the Porz the folenee collection at the Vatican, but the Italian Government. . . has declared the objects of Art in the episcopal palaces to be inalien- able,” — Times. How green of the Duc de Verpunra to buy before he knew that he would be allowed to carry home ! a

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——— CHRISTMAS PROBLEMS, Mr. Puncu is not about to follow the lead of some of his Contem- poraries, by as prize of two pounds for the best answer te an enigma devised by his own special puzzler. If, however, the inge- nuity which deals with such difficulties can be measured and re- warded, he is prepared to consider the form and amount of reward fairly ‘claimable by the Gidipuses who may succeed in giving the best solution of the following Christmas problems :— 1. Many people at this festive season who would willingiz me their family circle in its largest sense drawn around them at dinner are debarred by considerations of expense. Mr. P. therefore offers a reward for the best Christmas menu (wine inclusive), for five-and- twenty at an outlay of eight-and-sixpence. . 2. People who are in the habit of going to theatres, sometimes, in repayment of a past, or in anticipation of a future favour, volunteer to take a friend in with a Press order. Under these circumstances, they occasionally arrive after seven, when the order is not admitted. Mr. P. offers a prize for the best suggestion how to pass the evening easantly in such a case, it being understood that the Acting eee is inexorable, and that the entertainer declines to pay even ne-geee to the pit. 3. Here is a social problem which in these days of musical develop- ment should come home to all. Mr. P. offers a prize for the best noise-producing machine with which to silence a next-door neighbour learning the ophicleide, who has disregarded a threatening letter from your so! <-) and gone on with his scales in spite of your having with a fog-hern and two kettle-drums from one to three A.M. for a fortnight 4. home for the holidays when on a visit often bring about regrettable family complications. Mr. Punch offers a prize for the best set of y-card verses for use of a parent, whose most boy has, at the house of a fidgety godfather from whom has expectations, the drawing-room clock into the ba tem smashed the of the conservatory, and wound out e bell-wires on a

5. It not unfrequently hegpene that if assume a well-known character for a costume-ball, you may yourself anticipated. Mr. Punch offers a prize for the best escape from the followin difficulty : Having selected a Hamlet costume, on arriving, you find three more Hamiets in the tea-room before you. the start of them on the stairs, give tions what may be done with an anti-macassar to enable you to follow them with effect as a CHARLES THE F rust. 6. The recent cold weather suggesting an old-fashioned Christmas, a prize for the best way of meeting it in a genial spirit would seem not at all inappropriate. Mr. Punch, therefore, offers a reward for the ejaculation most becoming the Paterfamilias who, just at the moment he learns that the upstairs water-pipes have burst, and are flooding his choicest high-art wall-papers, is met on the stairs by his mother-in-law with the announcement that she has come to stay a month! If you cannot get

PPocest -B00K OF BEAUTY.

P0ckET-BOOK OF BEAUTY. __

([ HOSEWHODONT for the TEETH (Pa to BUY A. FIRST-RATE ARTICLE Will go in for lel poncrs POCKET-BOOK For 1880. PERSONAL com ELINESS— (wide Pictures of)—in PUNCH's PocKET-BOoK

For 1880.

VOL, LXXVII.

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PUNCII, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Decemper 20, 1879, Aa \w ol AT il) ff Rei),

. “¥ ” : ‘NS AS \ \ * ANY! | _ ‘eS \ \ a | NO A N \ ANY \\\.\ ‘| DN \ < \ N\

™ Dp Ww. } Oar, sai a detiecereeic

PUNCH’S DREAM-—AFTER STUDY OF THE WEATHER-CHART.

| In not this suggestion a little too sweeping? Say that it is expe- Rather too Hard on Him. | dient, if practicable, to get rid of Cyprus, and of a “‘ Scientific fron- ADDRESSING a Liberation Society Conference, held, in poospest of | tier,” acquisitions that may be enumerated mon | the worke— even the Teer * Memestal ” "| works of fiction, according te Mr. GLapstone—otf Lord BEaconsFIELD, e General Election, ot the * Me Hall,” Farringdon Street | still does the Rev. Mr. osane consider it either ible or neces- _ The Bev. J. G. Rooxrs, B.A., said the first thing te be done was to get | sary to get rid likewise of Vivian Grey, Sibyl, Henrietta Temple, rid of Lord Beaconsrrgcp and all his works.” Coningsby, and the other literary works of the same author ?

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Decemser 20, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON, (Being a Dickens of a Dickensionary for the use of Visitors to the Metropolis.) WESTMINSTER ABBEY.—“ The place to spend an Abbey day.” On entering,take off hat, salute the Verger, and say, litely, ** STANLEY, ume.” alk round until you an Abbey-tite. Give the Verger * omething for himself” —not enough to hurt him—thus in the tradition of the Abbey, which you wi see inscribed on the walls in letters of gold— Don’t be shabby On leaving the Abbey. Then you can go across to the Aquarium and see the Great Seal, which for state oceasions is always kept here in a tank. WESTMINSTER BRIDGE.—Go over it. Good-bye. (See Royal Humane Society's ations. ESTMINSTER CLUB. — Splendid situation on the Embankment, overlooking the Thames, which it is impossible to over- look as it is right in front of you. ‘Though the exterior is illuminated by the Embank- ment electric lights, yet attention of the Club has been admirably directed to- wards Gas-tronomy. The Chef is probably from Paris, though each of his works is what Mrs. Ramssotnam would have called a “* Chef Dover.” Certainly, whether from Dover or Calais, though French, he is never callous to the interests of the Club. He is most serious in trifles, and, from his orna- mental-glazing use of the white of eggs, be shows how to make a brilliant entrée, and (dramatically speaking) ‘‘ eggs-it right.” ty. Or leave out the “ Ht And end ’em with “ay,” As clef’s written eld. That 's all I’ve to say. Bo, Chefs all, good day! WESTMINSTER SCHOOL.—“ A Foun- dation of Queen Exizazetu.” Dear me! There were Giantesses in those days! Its speciality is for Queen’s Scholars. Of course i dry attached to the er information see ad- vertisements of exhibitions, amusements, &c. But the exhibitions, at Westminster are no ri to the Aquarium or TUssauD’s. WHIST CLUB.—Naturally situated at ist-minster. (Oniy it isn’t—or it 5 lige 1 ago.) Admittance for y, by Tables all made of deal. must be in a card. ; Revoke-ation of Nantes ; ‘ortrait of Admiral Vow MP. are qualified for membership if a treble. HITE’S CLUB.—The system of Black- y excluded. As the Orleans a town and country house, so eat = — Ye SAILLLTA SO MUCH TO HIS CREDIT. Unele (bringing his Nephew home for the holidays), ‘‘GLAD TO sEB YOU HOME AGAIN, Dick. Hore You HAVS SPENT LEss THIS Ha.r.”’ Dick. ‘Ou, ves, Unctz, l|’ve cons ‘ Tick’ ror EveRYTHine !” White’s Club, or the Club of White, has, besides the town-house, an entire island to itself, known as the Isle of White. is is a great convenience to members. The preference is given to everything white. The members are bound to eat whiting for dinner, to breakfast on the whites of esse, and to turn up the whites of their eyes when they say grace. When on a visit to Brighton they must patronise the Albion. Anyone having had misfortunes in business, must be white-washed before he can be eligible for election. WORSHIP (PLACES OF). — See Bow Srreer and Potrice Counts, where everyone = go to his Worship any day of the week, Sundays excepted, when he can go to some other orship. (*.* In answer to numerous Co mdents, who have sent us heaps of letters, we regret our inability to add any one of them to the Alphabet. Only three letters remain — X, Y, Z, which will conclude the labours of this Exhausted Receiver. ] STARTLING SIGNS OF THE TIMES. We read, in some of the Parisian papers, of wolves scen in the Bois de Boulogne. But what is a wolf in the Bois to a whole flock of canards on the Boulevards—one in the shape of a wolf, and several very like whales!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [December 20, 1879. CHRISTMAS TRIADS. (By Smelfungus, Senior.) Sour Welsh ancestors i in “ Tri- _ ads”’—or sets of . three—so Smer- east The Three In- door Curses of Christmas.— Water- that burst, a that blow up, Houses that ean't be » The Three i Penances Christ mas.— farkey, Plum- pudding, Mince- The Three Evening Penances of Christmas.— Parties, Pantomimes, Private ey - of Onriet Holiday boys, High The Three y Penances istmas.— i Church bells, Hospitable humbug. The Three Trials of Christmas Pockets.—Christmas Bills, Christ- mas Boxes, Christmas Benevolent A " The Three Trials af Christmas .—Christmas Numbers, Christmas Cards, Christmas Waits. The Three Outeomes of Christmas Eating. — ia for the Elders, Stomach-ache for the Juveniles, Doctors’ bills for all. The Three Growths of Christmas Drinking.—Gout for the rich, Distress for the poor, Headaches for both. Last and best, to these triads of SmetFuncus Senior let Punch ot . triad of his own, with thanks to Messrs. Ketty, Wurraker, and Lerr :— The Three Indispensables of Christmas. — Kelly's Post Office Directory, Whitaker's Almanack, and Letts’s Drake HIGHER EDUCATIONAL PANTOMIME. Tue age is nothing if not educational. The results of the elections for the London School Board have proved that the British Public are bent on strengthening the hands of the educators. Under these cir- cumstances, Mr. Punch, always anxious to assist in the carrying out of every good work, begs to make a suggestion to the theatres. The pantomimes in a fortnight will be attracting thousands and thousands of juveniles. Why should not the ‘comic scenes” be turned to account in combining amusement with instruction ? Surely, something like the following would be far better the ordinary trivial succession of pai practical jokes with hot pokers, disgusting liberties with babies and nursemaids, demoralising rob- beries from shops and the person, and mischievous defiance of authority in the shape of a policeman whose corruptness is only equalled by his incompetency. When the Transformation Scene (the Home of the Fairy Scholastica in the realms of Useful Knowledge) has reached its highest de- velopment in the Sixth Grade, in a constellation of Mat ical Diagrams, illuminated with coloured fires, the Fairy Scholastica addresses the principal characters :-— Go,—in another sphere more honours win,— Figures and Facts transform as Harlequin! This will be no mean agent in thy r - nowledge is cae | —- — at its nd now, sweet maid, a i is thine, Sit on the School Board, = fair Columbine ! You to your lessons,—second childhood’s boon ! Tis not too late to learn as Pantaloon ! You help him instruction’s physic down, As agricultural half-timer, Clown ! The;transformations take place, and the Scene changes to View of the Planetary System.—The Planets, with their Moons, are seen revolving round the Sun. Trip for Harlequin and Columbine, in which, by means of scarfs gracefully disposed, they introduce a succession of Astronomical statistics. Harlequin and Columbine dance off. Enter Clown, elinging to the tail of a Comet, and Pantaloon in a balloon. As Clown describes a parabolic curve round the Sun, Comet’s tail drops off, and he visa rsin a shower of Asteroids. Pantaloon looks through scope at Neptune, which suddenly becomes transparent, displaying in- Sormation— Discovered by GaLix (proceeding on the calcula- tions of Le Verrrer and ADAMS) in ae gw wal 1846.” Pantaloon’ greedily swallows Information ; and Information, in tts turn, swailows ‘Pantaloon. own ly reappears on a planetoid, and knocks Pantaloon, out of the balloon into an immense ‘milk-pail, which shows l, “* Via Lactea—Demo- CRITUS pinzit, a.c. 428.” Harlequin touches label with his wand ; and name changes to ‘‘ Milky Way.” Clown attempts to catch Harlequin, who jumps through Saturn. Clown tries to follow, but is caught by Saturn’s belt. Clown and Pantaloon frightened b Star. Harlequin gives Columbine his wand. She touches the Planets, and they change to their mythological representa- tives, Venus, Mars, ‘Jupiter, §c. Clown flirts with Venus. Harlequin protects her. Clown sets Dog Star at him. Har- lequin jumps through the Sun, which shows label, “‘ Total ’ Clown tries to follow, but sticks re way, when lanets, with recovered his ech pse. label changes to “‘ Partial eclipse.” Ra v Spill and Pelt of Asteroids. Harlequin, w bat, strikes Sun, and the Scene changes to The Temple of Justice in the realms of Roman Law. Ballet of Greek School- Youths and Maidens, illustrative of the Moods and Tenses of the verb tvrre. Enter Clown and Pantaloon. knock at the door of the Temple. Clown lies in front of the . Enter Justrstay, who falls over him. Clown apolo- gises, throwing blame on Pantaloon, and expresses his wish for enstruction. § USTINIAN shakes his fist at Pantaloon, and returns to the Temple. Clown and Pantaloon begin to study the Roman Law in the summary on the tympanum of the Temple. Re-enter Justrntan, with a large Volume ** Institutes,” with which he hits at Clown, who dodges, and Pantaloon is knocked down. Clown bonnets Justin1an, and tries to run off with “ Institutes.” Enter Harlequin, who bats “* Institutes.” The Volume opens, and a series of living pictures are displayed, with explanations by JustrntaNn, showing—1, “‘ The Ceremony: of Manumission by Vindicta ; 2. “* The making of a Will under Jus tripartitum ;” and 3. “* A Thief gu‘'ty of Bena vi rapta.” Harlequin bats the Volume. It disa ss. Enter Roman Paterfamilias, with his daughters. own steals one. Pater- familias insists on his Patria Potestas, and calls for the Juris- dentes. They enter from the ao headed by Paprnian. wn and Pantaloon attack them. Enter Lictors, with fasces, who scourge Clown and Pantaloon. Papintan throws off his toga, and appears as Harlequin. He bats Temple. The Scene changes to : Tae Last Scene — Cosmopolitan Abode of Geography, showing birds’-eye dissolving views of all the principal towns, rivers and mountains of the earth. Medley Ballet of European king- doms, with Grand Allegorical Tableau of their ey 1 Exports and Imports. Great Britain, surrounded by her Colomies, rises from the sea to the tune of “‘ Rule Britannia.” Chorus of Figures dressed as Facts, and Facts in the guise of Figures. Grand Topical and Educational Song by Facts and Figures, Kingdoms, Exports and Imports, Great Britain and Colonies, in praise of the School Board. Coloured fire and Curtain. Making it Hot for Him. We are delighted to read the following :— ILIN WATER.—We have the honour of making publicly known that Prince Brsmarcx has used the Bilin Water at advice of his physicians for the last severe attack of neuralgia. So many of our best possible instructors evidently consider that cold-water treatment is the best for Prince Bismarcs. We had ourselves thought that he was more likely to keep Europe in Bilin Water, than to have recourse to it himself. yas NEW REMEDY : __ For Everything. Fics AS* PLEASANT COMPANY'S EXTRACTS of MERRIMENT.—A slight addition of the Extracts gives great strength and flavour to dinner parties.

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Decemezr 20, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SOMETHING LIKE A CATTLE-SHOW. The Farm, Mudborough, Loamshire. y Dear Mr. Ponca, You must forgive me for not having looked agricultural man lecturers hard at work ex merits of a thing they called “‘the Miniature Marvel, such title. It was a knife-sharpener and a | and all sorts of things—all for the small sum of one shilling! Then in another lady illustrating the virtues of a little instru- ‘ needles. Not very far off was a music-stall, full of the copies of comic songs. Then a counter given up to cigars and turtle-soup. And I hadn’t gine s step r when I came to 4 place filled with copying-machines. I took a walk round, and found a stall devoted to patent bolts. Of course there were p where you could buy tea. Would the Exhibition have been a Cattle Show if there hadn’t? Then I was much attracted by a counter covered with a. All sorts of nice things in dolls puzzles and what not. There was a place for buying cement, too, for mending broken glass and crockery. I need scarcely say that the Patent Medicines were well represented, and that you could ase eures for all sorts of diseases. Then there were stamps for marking linen, and a lot of funny-looking stoves. From this you will observe that there was plenty to see at the Cattle Show. I am sure I don’t know how agriculture would survive the loss of such a valuable and aereente xhibition ! But I have written enough. ieve me, Your affectionate Country Cousin, 15th Dec., 1879. Gries Josiry. P.S.—The Guv’nor has just told me that he has heard that there were some Oxen, a han of and a few Pigs in another part of the building. But this isa TERRIBLE FOR THE “ OLD LADY.” One of this year’s Christmas Stories is called The Ghost in the Bank of. England, Sucha visitor must have seriously disturbed the DENES and HOW TO MAKE THEM. TRY OUR BEST PUNCH. All Sweets no Saheim ote A NEW PARADISE REGAINED. Waite we sit by our o; with coals at 25s. a ton, one side frozen, the other by in the face of frost and its miseries, looking for thaw and its worse miseries is h economically, and on Mr. — —) our houses bricklayer, and Rags worse an 9 unless we our call in Mornis i not answer, and and say to our- ers that we know ’ Better calmly await the rending of water-pipes and the bursting of kitchen-boilers, and the other woes that flesh in frost is heir to, than set out for Morei’s Earthly Paradise, with the chance of missing our way. But, ye as our own case may be, not the less happy the tenants who are destined to occupy the five hundred new villas about to be built on the Morrisian model. Brighton is already ‘‘a little Heaven below ” in the estimation of those who share the late Mr. Swxr’s respect for the late Gzonor THE Fovrtn, and regard the Pavilion as the highest ideal of architectural fancy. But with five hun perfectly warmed, perfectly aérated, perfectly ventilated Morrisian mansions, there is nothing stand in the way of its being universally acknowledged the Earthly Parad doubly consecrated to the name of Morris! ise—henceforth SEASONABLE. Quorn Paterfamilias, black as the frost, While, half-perished, half-roasted, he waited for thaw, ‘’T ween Charybdis and Seylla the gulf must be crossed : Of cold water too much we shall have to our cost, When the change of the weather reveals each pipe’s flaw ! Of hot water too little, w’ = we're tost, By the boiler a-bursting tig s Through a leak in the feed-pipe which no one e’er saw ! pe the Cooks ieoas on coaling, intent on her roast, nd stoking and poking, as asa To my lectures on heat ppdias ew I— Bo, ’twixt Hot and Cold Water, the Thaw and the Frost, Tis as nice a look-out as man could have to draw! Follow My Leader. A nonnrete idea, no doubt —the blowing Russta — worthy of the most hardened John Nobody himself, But after “bettered the instruction” of the P. G that eminent Jingo organ been about but blowing of Russta, if not daily, weekly, at least, for the last the Emperor of t — even. uf Little QTUDY ECONOMY by buying POCKET-BOOK, POCKET-BOOK, POCKET-BOOK For 1880. pexce’s POCKET-BOOK and ALMANACK for 1880.

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il ee it INCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Patadabits NINCOMPOOPIANA. (Surfeited with excess of ‘‘cultchah,” Prigsby and his Friends are now going in for extreme simplicity.) Prigsby. “1 consipAm THE worDs OF ‘LirrLe Borger’ FRESHAH, LOVELIAH, AND MORE SUBTILE THAN ANYTHING Sa#ELLEY EVAR WROTE !”’ [ Reecites them. Mufington. “Quire so. Asp SouvBeRT NEVAH COMPOSED ANYTHING QUITE 80 PRECIOUS AS THE Tuwz!” [Tries to hum tt. Chorus. ** How supreme!” Could hardly show more speed or bellows PERFORMER AND CRITIC. Great Maia’s son, though, was not ‘‘ zealous,” More of my mettle, keen and cold, (From the Bank.) i yieatiy prompt Ls Cd bold. Propierous! Will he never stop ? pt OREESY 30 ROS DOE ~~. Or, tripping, fall, or fainting, drop? Naples m5 ne it was not Whew! What a twirl, a sweep how furious ! That I desired, and you yet feel The sight is really vastly curious. In all its foree. my green-gray rival ; Such power and — in one so old — Such youth as yours seems a survival Are wondrous. Pheugh! it’s precious cold ! From peg-top time. Spread-eagling there - pape I shiver, but, dear W., Midst thunderous cheers ! i hues a care, No shift of season seems to trocble you. Thin ice is dangerous, after all + eather by fogeyish fifty dreaded And at our age, you know, a fall You quietly confront—bareheaded. Is sometimes fatal. Ah! that’s grand! The north wind cuts one like a razor, But terra firma is my stand But fervent zeal is like a geyser, Perfervid Scots blood in each vein That keeps a-boil midst Arctic snows, You boast? Well, I’m of older strain one ee zeal ne ening —— Scot against Semite. An old fight ‘ low TaLLeyRaND would—ah! a slip. 7 : ; No, right again, what go, what grip pe How does he do it at his age ? Enables you to cut a figure, If pluck and pace, now, made the sage, ‘And to ha. on the grand emeoess If slashing vigour proved sagacity, Of marvellous long-windedness. — policy meant mgd te paprel But you’re on slippery ground, sweet WILL, ven WILLIAM were indeed a statesman ; And i. one fault.—you can’t keep still Instead of—whiz! you’ll melt your skates, man, For me, though on Fe think it rs dons P With furious friction. How they shout, I much prefer rv waitin game ; 4 Those Scotsmen gathered round about, ’Tis not your line, with show less rife, To see amidet their native glens But fitter for our time of life *‘ Fis ” Swart, the Champion of the Frn:, Your figure-cutting ’s ma ae Outdone by one of their own race, Mois co n'est as la Politeyus ata In play, and stay, in go, and grace. 7 . pe a oh Mercury, were the flyin jen Fixed to his godship’s wingéd heel, Morro ror ConversaTionaLists.—‘‘ There’s nothing like Weather.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemper 20, 1879. PERFORMER AND CRITIC. Lorp B. (/og.). ‘‘ WONDERFUL !—BOTH WIND AND LIMB!!—AT OUR TIME OF LIFE, TOO, WHEN A FALL WOULD BE SO SERIOUS!!!”

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December 20, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 285 SENTRY GO! The Guardsman’s Song. N Summer through Page antes canal whae none pt a. Snow nip, sun burn, I takes my turn, For my two hours on sentry. * and fro! To and fro! Day on, day off, on Sentry go! Or sick or well, I does my 8 Throug night frost-fog sooty, Till Sergeant Death he stops my breath, And orders me off duty— To where a show, both high and low, And where there ’ 8s no more Sentry go! air, LEARNING AND LETTERS. Tue “Three R’s” in Elementary Education | a gee 8 necessitate a fourth —Rates, the higher the more objec- “ae to the paroe tecinshy Uecicstle ab Shay chnald in ener enen bs CAME extrem esirable that they sho in oil case a y attested by a fifth R—Results. bg Se A COURT COLUMN, Eprrortat.— The Slum Circular and Back Alley Gazette has been established to supply & a 4 — want. Why should the Swells have all the “‘ real jam of racy tittle-tattle and spicy pus- sonalities ? The * rk their “‘ Society ” as well as the Squares, and the prattle of the pubs. is as interesting to the cream deller ave of ges —_ rar “put gossip of bP gh to the eleet of ‘ey ayfair ut it wants co and dishing boy that shoul Ciao ane. hbien We ae or low, that sho 8 motter. t is ourn e to purwide our own pertiehlor gy ad, with the latest ong dees, ot and ’ot, as the saying is. CaTNacH aad the Litery Dustman mean to enter into competition with huppercrust bards and babblers in their own line. This is a written by Costers for Costers, eentasion in a style based on the best pon » ae pee poy ef at a asain will bring it within the ‘the taste of the timeond a penny. ao. sap. We say As no more, open Apaded ch to our task I am able to state that a ice has jest been between Svuxey, youngest daughter of INGER Jor of the “‘ a. and Ben Swivet, eldest ’ope of old So. SwIvEL, the M Marine- Dealer. The only drorback to the ’a P sees } is that the perlice are 7 to be arter Bun, along of a misunderstanding in old PR bine pf oy ab ~ heed, pte @ Ro hacks by 0 litery ing Mud-Ra “ i’ e high menial altar, shou "ll soon be lead yi? tbe high menial ould nought stop her. brass are going to wed, wtf only Swivas can eveid the Copper !” I muse that long Tox Fucxs’has sworn thet if Two much as mention his girl’s name in these here columns, he’ll spyflicate me. Werry sorry, Tom, as + wae seat te inform the public ahem ! —the ‘ou in question has gh so in the lurch, and gone off m with a militia man. But I won’t, Tom, "oh no, I won't Anythink to oblige sech a gent as you, Tom. “Tr Mrs. G., tba oF bo hace Sue Que odo wes standing treat to you at the tater-can, corner of F—~— Street, the other night. Still, if Mr. G. is good-natured enough to believe it, why what’s the odds so long as he’ ’s ’appy ? Tae latest ong dee at the “* Blas} Posts” is, that the money young Brier was said to have landed at Croydon was not won on a race but after one, the other runners a policeman and the owner of the purse. Perhaps Mr. Brixee will xplain. Mrs. Green, acknowledged te ‘. the reigning Beauty of Our Court, presided the other might, with all ’er accustomed and good-nature, at the raffle on mig elt of Nep Swanr’s Wi Ow affable married 1 Lossenons easily married Lo i -- ne of “’ot with!” y the way, Mr. G. is Ahan el to as “‘ Invisible Gaezn ! *” @ wonder why. * Bugle-trimmed bonnets are ; yh the rage among the e/eet of the Up a Court Suekler—quite the tong, in fact. Aprypo, there was @ little ti between Young Burrins and Trimmer Jucerns along of a bong mo that Burrins made on the subject. “*‘ What do you think k of my bugles, Sam?” asked the >» "GE blow the bugles!” retorted Sam, who ‘ad lost on the Ledger and was out of sorts. Trimmer didn’t see the joke; but on the Icllowing | Suneeg mornin ms was seen at Xe Court with more bugles than ever—and EN | SLANT the Plumber. No, no, my dear *Ewery, a _ Billingagate CT ” is not a bird; ss a “wo-eyed steak” hee no connection with beef. They both viz., a bloater! I’m getting quite tired of patting you you ma Fight, y; and the Editor of a Slum Journal— slow—should, at least, be fly to the latest slang. be more careful. Poor Old Suuper ! He really an’t do the mackerel and ’am on the payement ’ bad—at least, in his best days. But too many ial of rum ’ot will tell ; and Smuper, who so long lived by his chalk s, has now walked ’ th I have received the following » Ae for publication :— Mr. B. Bropg, Sir, My missus informs me you said as that last door I grained was a rediklus dorb. You’ re another! You ain’t got no eye for colour, but you'll soon ’ave some colour about your eye, if you don’t watch it. Call yourself a Cricket? Crickets is wermin, and must be squelched accordin’. So take the = tip from Yours O. Fupor. Mr. O. Fuper, Sm, Ox yas, you try it on! If itain’t a dorb I’m a Dutchman,— so there! A Cricket as does know wornit from maple is better than a ay ote y ml asdon’t. As tom my eyes, mind your own, Go and put your head in a paint-pot. Yah Your anceterer, B. Buove. e, . We propose shortly to commence “a series of wnnomally only pa to be called a8 Peephale Portraits, or, Quality on the will be illustrated by screaming sk drawn by Jicexn, the ce | celebrated Comic Valentine Caricaturist, who ’as been ully re- tained by us for this purpose at a — a The first one will be entitled, ** Mrs. G. at se | or, & ys - i s Portrait, and ’ow it was eet ” Tt will mae by a living likeness of that lady, in a hea FR By costume, intended ‘' for privit suc- culation honly,”’ “Kopae obtained by us—again at a tremendous expense —by the means at our hexclusive papers and pictures will constitute quite “‘a new departure ”in the art of personal portraiture, and certainly create a sensation, perhaps not altogether a pleasant one for certain parties, Order early as the demand will be immense! Silver for 8.'e. Accorp1ne to a Berlin telegram :— ‘Government is about to take another step indicative of ita intention to deal with the currency question, and will immediately resume the sales of superfluous silver.” Can Prince Bismanck and his utors really oapert that dealers in German silver will be taken at any price A BROAD HINT TO BEAUTY. flew te Preass Ge Bale P. h.—When you are asked to sit, let the Artist ‘LS tand Aor Pr want ab nega- tive, but give him yours.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemezr 20, 1879. “IT’S AN ILL WIND BLOWS NOBODY GOOD.” English Buyer. “ But You ask TOO MUCH FOR HER, Par.” Irish Parmer. “ Savnue I CovLpy’t Let AER GO For suUcH A THRIFLE, BARRIN’ I wasn’T PAYIN’ RINT THIS YEAR!” A SURVIVAL AT SEA, Sucu bitterly severe weather as we have recently endured consti- tutes, even the most far-gone teetotallers can hardly deny, an excep- tional case for an extraordinary nighteap—that is, ‘o- stiff glass of grog on going to bed. Such must have been the drink which, if whiskey was yet, Macbeth used to sleep upon in winter. He pro- bably meant that when he desired an attendant to bid his mistress strike upon the bell when it was ready. Grog hot and strong, with two or three lumps of sugar in it, and a squeeze of lemon. In the Dog-days, a new and eligible beverage would be iced lemonade—pure and simple. That is to say, on land. But—on board ship, and that ship H.M.8.—what then? By custom, as in December so in the Dog-days. Hear ‘Aw Otp Finest Lizvrenant,” in a published letter accounting for the cireumstance that nearly if not quite ‘‘all serious acts of insubordination on board ship occur in the afternoon, and are committed by the younger hands ”— especially on tropical stations :— “At half-past noon every day, in no matter what climate, each man receives a strong glass of spirits and water, and is allowed to smoke the est tobacco in the world. It is not to be wondered at if some young lad who, for months together, perhaps, never tastes alcoholic drink except at this time, gets unduly excited, and proves refractory to some perhaps only less excited petty superior. It would be cruel to deprive the men of their grog altogether, but surely they might have it later in the day, when physi- ologists are agreed it is more beneficial.” As it is, the summer drink for the British Navy, all the world over, differs from the winter nightcap of civil life only in not being hot and sweet, and in being a noonday ins of a nocturnal pota- tion. ** Aw Ovp Fiast Lrevrenayt” suggests :— “The Admiralty might allow ‘ local option’ to captains, and permit them to defer the iasue of the ~e spirit to a later hour, at least when climate or temperature renders it desirable.” To “ local option,” as apqnied ie ** Aw Op Frest Lrevrenant,” who can object but either a fanatical Total Abstainer or a Dipsomaniac? Such option, however, might still leave Jacx his allowance of grog in the form of anighteap. Whether that would be wear for the tropics, an experien naval officer ought to now. In the meanwhile, the existing arrangements in the Royal Navy as to grog may be regarded as a survival of the good old times — grog was, as Jack used to be made to say, his sheet-anchor, when,— “ Sick or well, late or early, Wind foully or fairly Helm a-lee or a-weather, For hours together I’ve constantly swigg'd it, And, bless me, there's nothing like grog!” Nothing, doubtless, like strong grog in the tropics at half-pa twelve in the day to inebriate a young sailor, and render him saucy and insubordinate. What wonder if Jack was, by this means, apt to be rendered very much too tight a lad. AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION. ee ee advice in the following extraordinary, and IGHT your advice in ollowing ex A I trust unprecedented, predicament. . I am a daily traveller to and from the oe en Lady with a baby has poialy ast into the carriage. will and always asks me to hold the baby for a few minutes before the train stops at her destination. Of course I am liable to be seen by my acquaintances handing the baby cout to her, and as a seapectaliin single, middle- bachelor, I confess I don’t like it. I cannot change my seat for fear of bronchitis, and if I leave the City later it inter! eres with my arrangements. This has gone on now for three weeks! What am I to do? Kindly inferm Yours undecidedly, Tuomas TREMLET. (Mr. Punch would recommend Mr. Treuuzt to be guided by the Clown of his Local Christmas Pantomime.)

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Decemper 20, 1879.] SYMPTOMS OF CHRISTMAS. A Seasonable Alphabet. Atrention to Aunts and Uncles. Bon-bons for very good children. ? Concerts, instrumental, open air, by the Waits. Doctors replenish their stocks. Ex i civility from waiters, servants, mes- = porters, postmen, tradesmen’s boys, and turn- “ trees, frozen pi pipes. Ghost stories. spirits. Lamplighters look beaming. = Naan ” and — Oysters move uneasily in their beds. unch’s Pocket-Book and Almanack, — ay ts, hares, and urse, , and ey indoor and outdoor. er other description o: of wonderful new crackers. f game Turkey's wreest itated with the thought of speed urkey’s wi e thought of s imi, ." . Ushers welcome the holidays. Vacation, with all the boys at home. Weather. ’Xtra numbers in London during Cattle Show week. ’Xtra numbers of pew — and periodicals Young folks, old jokes, wine, Dialogue for the Day. Pessimist. Very hard times these. Optimist. But now they ’re mending. Pessimist. Not at all, Getting worse. Optimist, Spero meliora, Pessimist. Timeo pejora, Bores to the Bear. Are the Russian Nihilists fanatics whom nothing can satisfy? Oris it their determination not to be satisfied even with nothing ? _ Ex nihilo nihil ft. Adopting North Country pronun- ciation, ‘‘ knout ” may have been a root of Nihilism. . : will j ir | 2 ; fot eer | | iy . - FA if i } \ AA : AeA URNA NN, > Wii PLL LI ik ah } Hint q oA A We OR a ail \' > *¥ vu it The New Governess, *‘I¥ you sAw A Poor MAN STARVING IN THE STREET, WOULDN'T YOU GIVE HIM SOME OF YouR PuppiInc, Tommy?” Tommy. “I’p GIVE HIM SOME OF youRS, Miss Suita!” AN OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS, (How to recognise it.) Wuen, the moment you leave the house, you find yourself seated diagonally on three door- ose once, ueatth : you are summoned by the parish authorities because passin perf similar feats on the pavement in front of jour house. When coals burn twice as fast as usual, and cost twice as much. en, 1 : yet in the ome bo your * cicitie — mansion, ina way-rug, won whether the north- east wind can as bitter at the Pole. Ri When all your nine children want guinea skates at once. When “ Mamma” insists that everything they wear out of doors eR ai te stm amet Wh the sain rrqenn ue wie a] en you are you a gentleman?” when you have given a Hansom cabman half-a-crown for taking you two miles. When, with the thermometer at 15 degrees below freezing-point, you have to slide home from a with your family, use ay gh ws bles, and m there’s no hunting no vi and no getting w: water, much less hot, and when, with the doctor in the voy spirits as Sir rising, you been > gE mae en seeny, what on ea e mean by congra’ old-fashioned Christmas. f » - a diaaaiacs TO LANDLORDS OF LONDON ROOKERIES. “* A Rose by any other name will smell as sweet.” Yes; but not some Paradise Rows in the back slums. A FLOATING TOM-TIDDLER’S GROUND. Tue Eldorado P. and O. steamer narrowly eseaped foundering the other day in the Bay of Biscay. She was saved in great measure by the coolness of her Captain and the pluck of her passengers, who turned to, and baled for a day and anight. The first reports of the accident were too hard on the poor , who are not, as a rule, good for much in cold weather and a gale of wind, but who, on this occasion, according to the Captain’s report, did their duty, most of them, like men, at least between decks, in battening down hatches and stopping the wash of the water into the engine-room. Honour to all to whom honour is due, black or white! The Eldorado has earned her name, and proved that she had a treasure aboard, in her stout cient officers, i crew, and plucky passengers—including our two gallant American lady cousins, who constituted themselves stewardesses for the nonce, to wait on the poor terrified women battened down under hatches, in dark, damp, and discomfort—babies and all. Punch is proud to declare the Eldorado, as of right, full of nuggets—a real Golden Galleon !—which he rejoices to know is un- taken by Davy Jones. ‘*‘Who’d Have Thought of Seeing You.” Tue other night, at a festive ‘‘ small and early dance” at our friends the Ponsonsy pe Tomrxyns’s, in one of the iest—we mean the most promising—terraces of South Kensington (née Old Brompton), an uninvited guest in to supper—the dining- room ceiling! In these days of tight dressing ont loose building, before people give ‘‘ small and early dances” with sit-down ounpess, they =~ to be sure that the Ladies can sit down, and the ceilings can stand up.

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PUNCH, OR THE LON DON CHA RIVARI. [December 20, 1879. THE RULING PASSION. PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1880. HE Globe (Dec. 9),| , SPRctat Meeting of the Meteorological Society called to discuss ehronicling the| “Jupiter Pluvius.” homeward gressof Mr. Tikcolon. Cabinet Council summoned to consider what is to be done with thus describes the scene | ‘‘ CeTewayo in London.” at Carlisle, where the in- carriage :— Mr. Brisker and all the Butchers pronounce “ Sweet Simplicity ” exhaustible tor had| All ages, and especially the Middle Ages in fits ** The Knight obinend adoring and the Flea.” . _— nigh a prime cut. Siestsious a ag had On the Stock Exchange nothing done but “‘ quotations” from aid all he had intended to | Punch’s Almanack, England and Italy hope to settle their international difficulty As usual we have the} ( An Innocent Offender”) without an appeal to arms. play of Hamlet with leaves out the touching seme welch Sigua Hamlet chronicler of A ee Our Young Hunters named ‘‘ Caldecott” and,‘‘ Corbould,” this abrupt intimation Tuompson’s Seasons nowhere: Punch’s everywhere. that trains, like ‘‘ time and tide,” wait for no} Question for Convocation :—Can the Son of a Bishop “* adopt the man.—Mr. G., with half his body out of win- Stage as a profession” ? A REAL GOOD CHANCE. dow peing SO mB Pan “Linked Sweetness long drawn out” as The Mint busy night and day coining Threepenny pieces to meet the enormous demand. Punch’s Almanack, 1880. Threepence. Tue following advertisement lately appeared in the Times :— BAD WEATHER FOR WORDS. to receive three Gentlemen of} ON arriving at Chester in his way home, Mr. Giapstowg, accordin YOUNG WIDOW, ha good position, as BOA al to meet with two or three agreeable LADIES, of undeniable position, to | Chester, inc complete the circle, and form an inted house, is anxious | to the news rs, was received by a party of the leading citizens o — Sir THomas aa Lady Frost. But don happened home on co-operative “pa also to be in attendance another Frost, doing, however, his utmost to erence given to those musical, travelled, and young.—Address, The Young Widow is v ive the illustrious Wii11AmM not a warm on by any means, exact as te the number of Gentlemen, | 5ut just the reverse. This Frost, it needs h oe said, was our but allows a certain latitude to the supply of Ladies. The Gentle- old friend Jack Frost, who, ubiquitous as he has y shown him- are, as i , on the foundation. | Self in this island, necessarily made his disagreeable felt on ey And what are the — the Chester Station platform. Though of no political party, he has rineiples” which are to form the motive force of this offered the ex-Premier every possible opposition during the whole of men are already secured : ‘‘ undeniable position ” ? A propos of the ce circle, the Young Widow, in his progress ; but in similar case his welcome to the PREMIER would and not to have an “odd| have been equally freezing. Happily he failed to produce any in Der Freischiitz, when affection of the vocal or respiratory organs which would have her anxiety to obtain an even lot,” seems te remember Zamiel’s w Caspar wanted a certain party to deceive ! his Charmed Circle— | Silenced the most wonderful and enduring of orators. Abst omen !—or Absit " “Six shall achieve! A Word fer a Battue. A Happy Home Cheap. We have never seen those desiderata, Home and Happiness in one, put up at anything like the low figure at which they are offered an — chronicle right seasonable donations when they in the following advertisement from the Daily Telegraph ;— ANTED, LITTLE BOYS and GIRLS.—A Lady, 23 years estab- “ The Prince of Waxes has sent a present of pheasants to St. Thomas's off , : : lished, offers a happy HOME, with careful training and education. pital Ser the mao of the Inclusive terms £1 12s. a month, or £5 5s. 4 quarter, with clothing.— Hospital and a similar present to St. George's CEE Sy ee * Comfortable home for a genteel, useful young person, however backward in e legs and arms already in St. Thomas’s and St. | her education. Terms required, £3 the quarter ospitals, the game > pee by my oy of] Talk of Bob Fesuin = ought to be cumtheing like yery - course the inmates | superior ‘‘ Boys’ and Gir tivation ” on Squeers’ principle. failed not to do justice to His| Parents and Guardians, make a note of—and as you value poor WALes are, no doubt, a weleome addi in whose diet pheasant was admissible Royal Highness’s benevolence. fruits of a battue. Even an old-fashioned sporteman may. grant that for once the end justified the means. Payne against Pleasure. were the feathered | hijdren’s happiness, don’t take this ‘‘ Lady’s” offer. Silver and Gold; or, Small Change for a Sovereign. vee F. is silvern,’ from crown piece to tizzy,” _ LADSTONE, ‘‘a run for c e who can sustain so?” Q G “Itis reported that the Rev. Dr. Paynes, Vicar of St. George’s, Deal, has ** Tf ‘silence i ld,’ of So ign, th Dizzy refused a donation of £5 from the late Mayor (James R. Lent, Ean, on = I’m een ani ies age fa «= to remain so.” behalf of the Deal Dramatic Club, for distribution in coals, on und that he did not approve of the means by which it was obtained.”— Kentish * [And Garter.”—Ep.] “ Wrew Churchmen triumph, Heaven is lost to sight.” FMILIN DIGESTIVE PASTILS are doubtless most valuable, but if And here see Charity debarred you buy the “ whole Bilin’ they won't produce the same satisfacto: and exhilarating effect as will PUNCH’S KET-BOOK for 1880, whic Having to struggle through a darkened Payne. will RELIEVE YOU INSTANTLY of Three-and-sixpence. £@ To Coasnsrowpawts. — The Bditor does not hold hirnself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by 6 stamped and directed envelope should be kept.

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Decemper 27, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “ORCHESTRA | | | TEN pew ewl| S| x | in A Ms . A » 8 CL a -, THE COMMISSARIAT. Our Bandmaster (te Purveyor of Refreshments). ‘‘ We must nev Beer Sane- ONES MAKE THE Men’s Lirs THAT Gaeasy, witcoHes, Marm! Taem Ham THEY CAN'T BLow !” A PSALM OF LIFE AT SIXTY. What the Heart of the Old Man said to the Genial Gusher at Christmas Time, Text me not in Christmas Numbers Life is but a gourmet’s dream ! Sure your sense is dead or slumbers’: Peptics are not what they seem. Life is serious! Life is solemn !, And good grub is not its goal : Moe aking by the column Helps not the ayupeptio soul, Not delight from cates to borrow Is the aim of p t will, But to eat so that to-morrow Finds us not exceeding ill. Feeds are long and health is fleeting ; And old s once so strong, Find that indiseri eating Very quickly puts them wrong. In the banquet’s dainty battle. At the table’s toothsome e Feed not like dumb hungry cattle, Wield a cautious fork and knife ! Trust no menu, howe’er pleasant}; Nightmare-Nemesis is dread ; and swallow like a peasant, ou ’ll repent it when in bed Besser! ries of big. Sete remind = ristmas ing peace can . Touch it, pad next pb shall find as Indigestion’s helpless prey. Pudding that perhone another, Light of heart and bright of brain, Some strong- younger brother, Eating, sends his plate again. Let us then beware high feeding, Or the love of luscious cate, Still abstaining, ne’er exceeding Learn to ties dyspeptic fate Swi A GOOD WORD FOR A GOOD WORK. THERE was once a poor lad, who wrought in the brick-fields, carrying a crushing weight of wet coy oe small head all the day long, and at night, when his ttle companions were sl or playing pitch-and-toss, ing himself to read by the glare of the brick-kilns. He learnt, and turned what he learnt to profit. He rose, and from lad to man filled every place in the brick-makers’ craft with credit, rising from workman to foreman, and from foreman to ™: . ‘And then he set himself to call attention to the cruel over-work and ill-treatment of the wretched children whose labour he had shared in carrying more than their own weight of clay on their heads from pit to table, and from table to row—untaught, uncared for, | Td and too often under-fed ill-clad. In due time he won atten- tion to the wretched case of this class of workers, of whose labours knew but those who had lived the life time he got the protection of law in spite of lect, opposition, and of an Act that ht these hapless eye of Inspectors, limited their hours of toil, and secured ty measure of teaching. means, and found himself unprovided for, when he had accomplished these two labours of his life. His name is Gzonex Sauirn, and he lives at Coalville, Leicester. A body of noblemen and gentlemen, who know the value of his labours, and the cost to himself at which they have been accom- lished, headed by names as nobly as the Right Hon. Lord ABERDARE (Chairman), the Most Hon. the Marquis of Harrine- ton, M.P., the Right Hon. the Earl of Denny, the Right Hon. the Earl of Suarressuny, K.G., the Right Hon. the Earl of AnenprEn the Right Hon. Lord Jomw Manwens, M.P., the Right Hon. Lord Epmonpd Frrzmavnice, M.P., the Right Hon. W.E orster, M.P, Sir Cuartes Reep, LL.D., Chairman of London School Board, and P. W. Crarpen, Esq., have started a subscription for Mr. Surrn and a family. It has not yet reached anything like the amount uired. This Christmas time seems a fitting one for Punch to plead the cause of this practical preacher of good-will to men, this friend of the friendless, this helper of those who, till he came, none to help them. The Treasurer of the Fund is F, A. Bevan, of Bar- cLtay, Bevan & Co.; its Honorary Secretary, Avevstus Mrnams, Esq., of 1, Temple Gardens, London. In the name of the children of brick-field and barge, let Punch’s readers find, out of their benevolence, a mite for Groxex Smiru of But in doing this he gave grievous offence, and lost a well-paid | Coalville situation. Not daunted by this, the same man, whose business had made him conversant with the sufferings of another class of little ones not less neglected, the children of the bargees, whose life is passed on our canals, and who, constantly moving, escape most of the influences and restraints of settled life, pent in overcrowded cabins, often beyond all control even of their own class—untaught, brutal, drunken, and violent—got attention fixed on this neglected population, and was the — agent he peoang of yo? the py = inspection of canal- with some imperfect provision for care of the children on board them. But in this work the man sacrificed not only his time but his TITLE FoR A wew Oncan* or THe ‘‘ CouncH anv Srace Guitp.” —The Christian Era. # 7 a musical instrument, but a newspaper, my reverend and artistic A Turerrenny Prece.—The Westminster Play— The Trinummus, A Rrrvauistic Sonesten.—The Missal-Thrush. VOL, LXXVII,

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L [Decemper 27,

o wee SS < Se = N ai b re SQW OUVRQPAS LN CHRISTMAS BOX.

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Decemser 27, 1879. | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL MASTER AND MAN. ScenE—Front of Cowntry-house. Visitor (starling for the Meet). ‘‘ By Jovg, THAT’s A GRAND GREY YOU HAVE THERE!” Coachman. ‘‘ Yes, Sir. Wants A Groom TO 8SHOW HIM OFF PROPERLY!” D E EBUROPA’S CHRISTMAS a an Goreatigne and Sto rule,” Is oe oy thee? Thou Fees hands AM ur c Swaggerer vaunted ; i crass com BOX In Europe's School this bitter Yule Of those who see in bonds and bands ‘ wien od may wens - ty es Lost Order’s sole salvation ! Peace and Goodwill? Ironic sound, The pe he tenon pos -" This war of selfish interests The watchword of the season, “ If thus they rule the world, ’tis clear And rights antagonistic Whilst trumpets sound and wars abound, They rule it very badly! ” ‘ Threats thy new creed with sterner tests And riot as reason. _ Than shouts or pleas sophistic. Poor Dame Europa! : locks With Russian knout and Teuton gag The flatterer hath thine ear to-day, The guarding ot Peston ber Pen map oe ml 5 om Dette Geaien tele sey” ‘ ssassin’ i u 1) r way ere cheerier task and lighter. iW hose iron mercy Sesiaien. P Thou ’lt turn—we trust—to-morrow. | For all within seems wrathful din, For all tik shoe imtanity | Order is good ; good is increase a e al m ’ The power of Order's padlock. ae And cancels Freedom's dower. t forces jar and clash And land, where the bondsman’s star It can not hold! Best bide the rule All armed oupprtesise mocking, Once but now burns dimmer, Of patient tand reason, — Cold tyranny, ion rash, land that fanned, in’ peace or war, Trust that, Europe’s next fair Yule In ceaseless conflict shocking. ‘oor Freedom’s feeblest glimmer, — Will be a gladder season. Too Much of Turkey. Paris, and the Peace of the World. _ Nopopy except an ceestensl and inveterate pansies pretends to| ‘‘ Every trouble of the world is a trouble of Paris,” writes identify the ' traditionally sacred to istmas with the M. Vicror Hueco, in the bundle of bombastic antitheses which he has Empire. however, is distinct] contributed to the Album for the benefit of the sufferers by the a custom which exhibits one remarkable point of similarity between | Murcia inundations. If he had said that ‘‘ Every trouble of Paris yg aged he ge one pa © is very oe ome 4 —_— to the yo ref would to } ts, 0 ing | nearer the tru’ quite as ve in his an . oaks, tats, solerings, stegteats ral topendnats of densodiog = _ Ottomans ask for under the name of backsheesh all the year round. LATEST UNIVERSITY HONOURS. Sexton Wrangler—Duke of ArcYLt. 5 ; Coren or Vantacz.—A Penny with two Heads. Surrn’s (W. H.) Prizeman—H.R.H. the Admiral Superintendent.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 27, 1879. ] NEW LAMPS FOR OLD ONES. Powcn has long been ing away at the Vestries and District Boards, to turn the street lamps to account for de lay of the street names after dark. His pessing has pro- fited. He is glad to hear that the practice is spreading, and will soon, he hopes and trusts, be general. herever it is neglected, let “~~ take up the cry, and bombard not “heir street lamps, but their District Boards. The manufacturer who supplied labels with street names for the lamps in Camberwell, writes to Punch to say that he has furnished similar labels throughout the parishes of Kennin 8t. Geuaes & Martyr Southwark, St. Mary’s Newington, and Limehouse, as also to ee aed s, Leicester, Birming- ham, Bootle-cum-Linacre near Liverpool, and -Tyne. He has also been supplying the Board of Works with lamp-tablets notifying the position of Fire-plugs and LS, rants, in the parishes of St. George the a aoe Deptford, lton, and : oa is now preparing to fix similar tablets in the parish of St. George the Martyr anover uare. And now, besides this flood of new light, the fount of which poving ence been opened will f° on flowing, Punch hopes, till all London is irradia’ the night-wanderer will only ave to cast his eyes up to the street lamp to read his whereabouts, we hear of new electric lights at the Victoria Station, and, better still, of a new railway carriage lamp, invented by Svea, that later Lucifer, or Prometheus Lampadephoros of the nineteenth century. Already several trains of the Great Northern have been fitted with his new illuminating apparatus. The Great Northern but leads the way. Other lines must follow. Soon the present blinking, smoking, stinking railway-lamps, which only make darkness visible, and mock the efforts of the wretched traveller to decipher book or » Will be of the t, to be looked back upon as the street-lanterns of old are now looked back upon in the light of gas, or as gas will one day be viewed in the brighter illumination of electricity. ** Light—more Light”—is Punch’s ery, asit was fighting Ajax’s, and dying GorTue’s. All honour to Svee for his railway-Argand-burner, and his new naphthalene with its forty- candle power—and when next he fits it to a train, may Punch be there to see, instead of to struggle with a tantalising twilight, as he does under the present mockery of railway- carriage illumination. HINTS FOR A NEW AND ORIGINAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE. Cuapter II. Endowment— How — Su ing — Pausing — ion — Liberality— Encouragement — Chorus —Friezes— Originality — School — Bicycling—Sketch— Poker—Pro- cessional— Advantages— Arrangements— Novel Effects— Chest — Immense — Property — Wealth— Proctors— Costume — Attendants — Supers — More Notions — Notice — Curates — Curtains —Coryphées— College—Dean— Chapter—In Our Nezt. Or course in any scheme for such a genuine Dramatic College as I am designing, the question of endowment being satisfactorily assumed, the first consideration ,will be, how will it be laid out ? First, in the Building, or, if ible, buildings. Suppose a College the size of Ki s in the centre of the University of Cambridge. Here, for a moment—this being a very large subj requiring a considerable amount of space, as anyone acquainted Sith Ring's College, Cambridge, will admit—I pause in order to throw out a suggestion, as the more things,—whether suggestions or hints,— that are thrown out, the clearer the space will become. The suggestion is that everyone interested in this subject should kindly forward to this office, under cover to the present Responsible Writer, archi’ plans and sketches for the proposed College. Wu ii | — \\) \\} } The drawings shall be submitted to a Council for and the designer, of the one that is decided upon as the best, shall be communi with at once, and shall then draw a prize for himself. The drawing of the prize shall be entirely at his own option, as under the sanction of the Committee, he shall be empowered to draw whatevcr he likes, as much as he likes, and for as long as he likes. Thus I start the scheme, in a liberal and generous spirit, which, I trust, will excite emulation. Chorus of Students (without)— Emulation! Emulation! What I want is Emulation! N.B.—Of course a resident Poet and Libret- tist will be required on the premises. Early applications necessary. Chorus of Librettists (without) singing, if possible— Application! Application ! Come and make an application ! The President of the Council (myself—as — one ay be ng gy > ee his ore architectural designs for College un e has seen the so that there may be no chance of anyone 's copying his. Thus a fair op ity will be for rt ‘ e next object for the uses of the Endow- ment wi e establishment of—(1) a paid Official College Government ; (2) Fellowships ; (3) Faculties; (4) Schools; (5) Studentships ; (6) Scholarships; (7) Sizar-ships; and (8) a Foundation School, in connection with the College, for the gratis Rudimentary Education kee Oo = © =O © me ket oe sale, afi

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Decemper 27, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. 293 ly of of the Joe Dente ne eee Gallina Breaking Chiline su Aud bs Fairies for Pan Goblins, Speaking Children for dramas, available for “ ine, ” at any time of thing to vd the Co. to f of the U: , th ss Camedia tak evant Oe Voces sea Dramatic Collage suthorition Would of sere eet tale to hall 6 sepemibie Petamminics to carry the A hot first-rate Sales Mieall nb ap pouch on heer farther before the V: on all State occasions. Tt this dense Cambridge, Mr. Merriman can have a string of traditional ‘‘ Cam- beige os . out of his et. He will “a book. of the ent oeph iller’s University “ PoxeR” PRECEDING THE VicR-CHANCELLOR TO THE SzenatTe-Hovss (UNDER THE CONTEMPLATED PRecESsIONAL ARRANGEMENTS OF THE Dramatic CoLLEez). the University Senate-House would be at once placed in the a! of the Termeneut Soete-sstt- fessor, an — 4 Property-Master of the Dramatic College, who would see it p furnished, hint or Sochent of from : come in Othello, an rd the Doymalle Colle - « fe University Chet vl o Catvensity, Chest might be the vine, being the very identical _— y hie Soe os ea nights at the Lyceum with a large pnty sideit, Inthis way, as in many University iteelf would immensely benefited the“accession of such an invaluable staff te og those of the New and Original Dramatic A The Public Orator would be got up according to the gen rally-received type of ones an orator, who has a public of his own, would be like. The or Universi Moral Police, would wear a costume as would convey a distinct idea of their func- at so much a dozen, to be paid The , o Bull j first time in the history of the eonane we have a chance of . The Seald be be deecribed 1 in the pro- | # S gramme—for | n0_ no University I cal wikedes a lg Pivieh sould be supplied tis Shag Fees”), or, with “a bat Sri” ai there Miitieaiente a *vantage to the University chest—they used Jexny Linp—no, that’ Proctors’ Assistants, Dogs,” would, for "the Then be described, in the aforesaid programme, as belonging vision, and they could wear he ala q, the Genuine Dramatic e highest University posts—except, of course, lam hich at pesssmt aro quite the Bighest in th and are the means of Giving mace light to the ae eee of Oe coves A Chancellor— so called from his election being quite a matter of chanee, Pa einen nay ith music-publisher, then je) | be chosen from among the ranks Mr. Buy bad choice. The University vould. I oF an would be its first professionally Ledeioleiios BLY.5— How Rosette ! Be mame ‘or Academical Coughers— Look out for trade-mark, and Another which would be admirabl for well filled many The dutics of the High liowenl ae _ he re-signs ‘ the contract for the next ay y examine the Thirdly,—He has d t " erator. Phi duty aries the view taken of University Refrigera him as the Hate tee Steward. Fourthly,—As the University Oculist, as the H’ Eye Steward. But in this phase of his character qnatn's cme ont bn & Letherio—ez a Highthario—or the y uneducated girls of Girlton Oellege mean Girton Coll complain that he “‘ eyes too ’ard,’ course this com appr oe! thy He ls Gomeciven, ont remedied by the Oculist—sometimes by the Os- By the way, Girton College would form an ennexe,—an ex-cellent annexe, under the female p Aaa A —saeke set Keown at present—to be called or Green Curtain College. The avenue leading up to it to be planted with green bays. Here der Gia meses tho beets. caliente an ate te to ape teat or urpose ter ; once up, it is 0 none let the Act dro for the sake of the Curtain. So much for at t. The official Visitor of Curtain College might be the d. Mr. Heapiam who has taken so deep an interest in the welfare of Curates and Coryphées—the only yee itted. Surely the Head-lamb could be trusted to look after the | the both black (the curates) and white (the ballet). us leave the Lambkins who would soon get accustomed, or ewes’d to tor | wale Head Lamb, and return d nos moutons, which’ provide Chancellor with his woolsack. Still, to a certain extent, Curtain College must be taken into scheme, or where would be our Portia, our Desdemona, o- . a Chancelloress we should look Chancelloress she might for this Chapter,” as quorum. Au plater / A TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY. (How to get Over tt.) Mr, —_ Sr, te: nas cepa starting a ‘‘ Technical Uni- versi ” at’ machinery f alone can supply the whole ers to Eapteeal A Curisruas Game vor Tomuy.—(Black) Draughts.

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PUNCH, OR THE L Hee | ] OF THE WORLD WORLDLY. (Scznz— The Entrance Hall of Sir Gorgius Midas’s London residence.) Mamma, “ Exrty, wy Love! Ws’Re weit our ov THIs!! Waar a canc!!! WHERE SHALL WE GO NEXT?” Daughter, **To Lapy Oscar Tasor’s, Mamma ?”’ Mamma. “San syvzs one so! I REALLY CAN’T BEAR IT! LET vs Go TO Mas. Ponsonsy pe Tomxyrns’. Ir’s Just As SELECT (EXCEPT FoR THE Host AND Hostess), AND QUITE AS AMUSING.” Daughter. “‘ Bur Mas. TomkyNs sNUBS ONE woRSE THAN Lapy Oscar, Mamma!” Mamma, ‘Poon, my Love! wao CARES FOR THE sNUBS OF A Mrs. Powsonny pg TomKYNs, | SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW, 80 LONG AS SHE'S CLEVER ENOUGH TO GET THE RIGHT PEOPLE!” . . _ 7 But their rivals—oh, wildly each one waves his mn, STIRRING THE PUDDING, And they cry, ‘‘ You must call us to stir, and right soon. A SONG FOR THE SEASON. a your Chef ve a his comaas a dodge, | =~ ’ ere messing and muddling to stickjaw and stodge _, Sn" he Bes Saf ¢ Ot Beant? Of the fine old Plum-Pudding of England, Tne National Pudding all parties protest The famous old English Plum-Pudding!” By themselves is best planned, and compounded the best, a , And each eager spoon-wielder will stoutly aver And there’s one with a far bigger spoon than the rest, All would turn out quite well had himself but a stir Who, they say, both at mixing and stirring is best ; At the glorious Plum-Pudding of England, Prime stuff Ae turns out, made with taste and with care, Old England’s unequalled Plum-Pudding ! Pudding ay an ena or es Pn posers. 3 The Stirrers-in-Chief, who ’ve their ms in the pan, af ve Nem Sar ae 2 ef sages, Have been stirring away on their ph ne : ba The wondrous old English Plum-Podding |! F ha a tidy long time, and triumphantly say Well, we know the old Saw about too many cooks ; That no Season has shown, for this many a day, But a Saw is not always so sage as it looks ; Such a splendid Plum-Pudding for England, And a Pudding so big as Joun Butt’s may ‘ require Such a genuine English Plum- ing ! All the hands and the spoons that toil on and ne’er tire Says the clever Chief-Cook, ‘‘ Here are plums, if lease ; Of stirring the Pudding of England phe 7 oe ae =a vem like ae Horner, loves a lik The mighty old English Plum-Pud e wi ur in the spirit, we won’t spare the spice, . . . And we'll mix it, and stir it, and make it all io, The proof of the Pudding ’s in cating, ther say ; This peerless Plum- Pudding for England And Jonny Butt, who must to eat it likewise to pay ; This perfect Old English Plum-Pudding {» And so, at this season, let’s wish them success, : , : And hope that among them they won’t make a mess + his mates tod their Chef, a they stir and ow shout, Of the rare old Plum-Pudding of England, ** Leave the Pudding to us—twe know what we’re about ; ; i . ing! Whilst those fellows—pooh! pooh! they would spare, they would The id Hague Cheistans Finm-Feating pinch, And from spicing they ’d shrink, and from stirring they'd flinch, rue : And so spoil the Plum-Pudding of England, Monster Crnistwas Cracker.—Giving your Mother-in-law the The old-fashioned English Plum-Pudding 7 good wishes of the season.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemper 27, 1879. STIRRING THE PUDDING.

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<6 EE Sale “SUP RRSPR OP CtemeoS se ASESq SEM ESEh88 e &8 3 s8 82 |

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Decemper 27, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 297 NEW WORK FOR WOMAN. \\ | O a new sign of the ay —a 81 - soribed with ** Minor food production” —a Contem- :; ' er _ porary calls attention. A Ladies’ Society is being founded, which is to devote its energies to the development of ‘horticulture, poultry-raising, dairy-work, bee-keepi ae the like. It is , thoug we are not aware that this will figure on the sign, t the Society may not even draw the line at pigs, and that we may see its Lady mem deep in the mysteries of a different “wash” from that to which they have hitherto confined themselves, the upshot waeeee he 9 not be clean linen, but streaky bacon and delicately roseate pork, Well—did we not read, only the other day, in the memoirs of the excellent wife and family of our exemplary primate, that Mrs. Tarr was wont to assign to each of her daughters a pig, as her special charge, to be sold, when fatted, and its price appropriated as the rl’s special gift to her mother’s Fulham Orphanage? What the Tarts did for charity, the members of the new Society are to do for profit. But as charity begins at home, let it be unders that these Ladies are only beginning at the beginning, to go further and fare better, instead of worse. Mrs, THoRNE is announced as the foundress of this new ‘“‘ Ladies’ Association for the promotion of horticulture and minor food produc- tion.” It is a supplement, if we should not rather call it an in- troduction, to the ies’ School of Cookery. It will help to supply the meat for which the other excellent Association should aid us to cooks. Prost / There are diversities of gifts among women as among men. If some of our sisters follow their natural bent to Girton and the Tongues and Sciences, others to the Female Medical School in Henrietta Street and the Healing-Art, why should not others, of a more material turn, find the best field for their energies in ‘* minor food production” ? There is room for them all. Let the minor-food- producers, with Mrs. Tuorne at their head, hoist the petticoat— as Manomert is said to have hoisted his wife Kap1ya’s—and write under it, “‘ In hoc signo vinces !” FROM MAY TO DECEMBER, A TRAGEDY OF CONTRAST. ACT I. Scunz—An Official Chamber. Trur—LFight Months back. A Far- Seeing Premier discovered at open window, smiling radiantly at the little birds in the Spring sunshine. Enter a Sanguine Indian Secretary. Sanguine Indian Secretary (holding out telegram). are ! I"ve sun all the ung iaen thn Ion Gaia ca bring you the joyful news. Far-Seeing Premier (turning from little birds, still smiling), From Lyrron—ah! So the savage succumbs ? _ Sanguine Indian Secretary (with exultation). Yes, the submission is complete. He’s to come to] Gandamak to-morrow, to take any terms Lyrtron offers. Far- Premer. Excellent! A perfect Spring morning’s surprise, will quiet the Session like soothing-syrup. The whole ean now be realised im y: Sanguine Indian Seeretary. Gradual incorporation—eh ? Ah, here you out my hat, to Far-Seeing Premier. Precisely. Before we finish this campaign, the standards of the Empress shall be seen floating proudly in the blue haze that crowns—— You haven’t got a map of Afghanistan in your pocket, have you? What runs north of Cabul ? nguine Indian Secretary ( idering). I don’t think it’s a range. I fancy it’sariver. Do you I don’t think there’s anything particular, but I ’ll look when 1 get back to the Office. ur-Seeing Premier (encouraging ). Do. But don’t bother your- self. A scientific frontier isn’t Ha'! ha! (Slaps that, don’t wef ways a physical phenomenon. him, good-naturedly, on lhe back.) We know + 3 a Ht -y) patel ant % ike. lysterium tas”’—that is, " bertas.” The good news, a glimpse of sun- shine, and ,the little birds, have quite for once excited me. me, confess it. This Afghani has been the best I’ve played. Thank your stars that you serve under a far- Chief! Takes up his hat. Sanguine Indian fees S ing his arm). Ido. Ah, coming to the office. We'll at the map, and wire together. — [Ezeunt arm-in-arm, in the very best of spirits. ACT II. Scunz.—Same asin Act I, Trwe.— Yesterday. Far-Seeing Premier discovered, brooding gloomily over a dying fire. Enter a Sanguine Indian ey Sanguine Indian Secretary (holding up telegram). Ha! I’m glad I have found you in. ioe, read this. ya mouthful ! Far-Seeing Premier (sti ing at the fire), What, another of ose beastly messages? Well—what is it now? : Seageene Indian Secretary. Communication cut off. Tribes all risen like one man, and su can’t move up to orce. | ele Premier. Hum! goon. What Lyrron say ? Sanguine Indian Secretary. "sa whole lot of it. it’s all the same. Mulls in every - Commissariat broken down. Gove shut up at Gandamak, Briont hedged in at Jellala- bad. Here’s a bit we can publish. “Ifthe tribes do not disperse themselves on finding they make no impression on Ropexts, a strong force will be pushed up, communications.” ; Far-Seeing Premier (gri iy). Bend t out to the pene with the ** compliments of the Indi Office. J — ag like it. ; Sanguine Indian Secretary. I hope they Talking of rein- forcements, if this job proves tough—— : Far-Seeng Premier (poking out the last embers of the fire with a dash). They must be poured in. Sanguine Indian erdary (dejectedly). Yes, but this mull may wy oe wildly, end waving the yok ar-Seeii remier (starting up wildly, and waving poker over his head), Six millions, or sixty! what do I care? We are in for it. Empires are not built up with paltpen . I'll still show the world that this ae card is the I’ve played. If there is one thing on which I pride myself, it is prevision. Sanguine Indian Secretary. Quite so. But if we mean a campaign or two, annexation, the pe in the shape of budget, where shall we be, do you think, this time twelvemonth ? Far-Seeing Premier, In Elysium! (Puts on his hat.) Come along. We must wire something like a to Lyrron. (Zaking his arm.) Courage! ond tah, yous’ ehie gen serve under a Far- Seeing Chief ! Sanguine Indian Secretary (with a sigh). Ido! I do! : tiovund arm-in-arm, brushing away a tear as the Curtain falls CHRISTMAS HINTS FOR CHRISTMAS-BOXES. CHoose a good stock of envelopes at the Post-Office, and enclose in them Bank of England notes to your needy friends and relations. You can enjoy philanthropy and exercise in combina- tion by yourself ing some remembrances (in ae sarengen into the letter-boxes of those for whom they are intended, Send to the Bank of England or the Royal Mint for a supply of new half-sovereigns, and treat yo to the novel sensation of watching the astonishment and ht on the faces of your accus- tomed callers on Boxing-Day, when you present them th coins in lieu of the lon ecatablished ce or shilling. In this distribution do not forget the Waits, the German and other bands, and the solitary itinerant performers, who have done so much fo capes the few ledge of instrumental music in the street or square in w you live, P Another unexceptionable variety of the Christmas-Box is to engage speed, distri tiekets among those o acquain eneel' whace ftsniiies exe latguly tm. ensured tele meemen. You yourself must not fail to secure a stall from which you can observe the gleeful coumtenanees of your young friends above you.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —_([Decewuen_ 27,

4 -_-~ ~~) am Z - ‘ P - —— bedi 5 ‘ =,

ay A VERY DIFFERENT MATTER. Southern Lord (staying at Highland Castle), ‘‘Taank you so MUcH. I—AH—WEALLY ENJOY youR Music. I THINK OF HAVING A Pirer AT MY OWN Puacz.” Sandy the Piper. ‘‘ AN’ FAT KIN’ O’ A PiPER WOULD YouR LORDSHIP BE NEEDIN’!” Southern Lord. *“‘ Om, CERTAINLY A GOOD PrrER LIKE YOURSELF, Sanpy.”’ : Sandy (snifing). “Oca! Inrzer!~Y MIGHT EASILY FIN’ A LonD LIKE your LORDSHIP, BUT IT’s NAE SAE EASY TO FIN’ A "IPER LIKE ME WHATEVFRE !”’

Assemble all your relations whose circumstances are not so affluent, The Echo adds that ‘‘ ultimately the audience became clamorous, as your own round your dining-table, and insert in each one’s napkin as Mr. Marwoop, after a second attempt to go on, sat down in a bank-note or cheque. This new design in napkins will be much | despair. . . . Apparently most of them had come capone to hear admired. Pay the travelling and hotel expenses of all those who something of Maxwoon’s professional experiences, which the Chair- a come from a distance, and give them hampers well stocked with man said it was impossible for him to give.” Instead of that— oe ay ty — publications, as « surpeise for < Cumatne with a sanaens nein, no _ nae that Teast : . s wheel of Time was constantly casting people off into eternity, whereupon On Christmas Day take a long walk with a bag of sixpences in |. wag shouted, ‘ And so is thy supe.’ Ae to the election, he oe nets 9 your Rend, ane without a thought, save one of good-natured pity, express a hope that the best man would win. He rejoiced ‘that England is at of Archbishop Wuarety and the Charity Organisation Society, dis- present on friendly terms with all the Powers, and her mission was to take tribute these coins to all you meet to whom you intuitively feel you (Christianity to all the nations of the earth.” can offer them without wounding their feelings. Repeat this experi- a ont ment on New Year's Day, but on a different line of road. Is Jack Ketch also among the Preachers? Mr. Manwoop, ifa very nervous man,” seems also to be a decidedly cheeky one. His | transition from the scaffold to the platform having proved a failure, a ae . he will now, perhaps. return from the platform to the scaffold. Mr. KETCHING IT IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE. Maxrwoop is reputed to be “the inventor of the long drop.” He Ayorer man of mark has joined the majority. Mr. Catcrarr, Lge therefore, gave himself plenty of rope; with the prover- : 7 bial consequence. May his melancholy fate prove a warning to born with the century, and from 1828 to 1874 Finisher of the Law, | other pretenders not to attempt performances bepend their line. In expired on Saturday last week at Hoxton, full of —, hp not of ithe public executioner attempting to deliver a lecture, what a a . might at least on his retirement have ‘*hempen homespun” have we had swaggering at Sheffield ! By almost a curious coincidence, on the subsequent Tuesday, | Mr. Catcrart’s successor, Mr, Marwoop, adventured to come out at Sheffield as a lecturer. POLITICS FOR THE PRESENT. beine Mr Ws ~ a people ono Camatng up at "= ~Y jee sew, Oe tet | Consrper the conformation of a slice of plum-pudding, boys, and 1 IAM Marwoop, the executioner. ni e announ i i . pine be “quant techane” on * tlie Siesen” ana 4. ,- ple | be careful how you introduce the thin end of the wedge assembled to listen to him. The great lecture proved to be a smail one. | After some rambling talk on the Bible, the Irish Question, the QuzEN, and | the election, in the course of which he repeated himself again and again, | How To BRING A QUESTION WITHIN THE RanoE or PRacricaL MaRwoop abruptly sat down, being, as the Chairman said, a very nervous | Poxitics (in the Days of William the Conqueror).—Murder a few maa.” Policemen. Blow up a few Prisons.

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December 27, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — iS S- Se PS —z - { ii Va) (Ne mi ()) fi) > ae ay wy: , Ge MAN BROTHERS AND SISTERS, Grown-up Sister, ‘On, CHARLEY, IF YOU MUST GO AWAY, CAN'T YOU INTRODUCE ME TO ONE OF YoUR SCHOOLFELLOW#, TO 100K AFTER ME TILL YOU COME BACK?” Charley, ‘On so! It wovutpn’r po! IT WOULD BE 80 ROUGH ON A FELLOW TO FAG HIM OUT LIKE THAT!” THE SISTER AT OUR GATE. of thousands in the West of Ireland, whom this cruel winter has found insufficiently provided with such poor food and fuel as they Tue Duchess of Martporoven, Vice-Queen of Ireland, has | are but too thankful to have in average years in sufficient quantity turned that somewhat cnate Coty to useful account, by her plea | to keep life together. addressed to the millions in Eng who have to spare for the tens Surely her prayer will be answered. If England could find her

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300 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI.

[Decemper 27, 1879.

hundreds of thousands for oe ryots in — and her tens of thuusands for victims of famine inundation in France and Hun- gary, and her alms for all sufferers, all the world over wherever a great need calls, she will surely find of her abundance to stay the hunger and warm the nakedness of the poor Sister at her gate ! Ireland should inure the Bight appliontion of whatever help England reland should insure ight icati Pp may give; and there is no fear, in spite of all that Irish agitators may do to harden ish hearts i that the blessing of warm Irish hearts will go up over the gift of

A PLEA FOR CHRISTMAS DINNERS. (Seo>, "Sas “Kees? asd, cold, tag "2 2 > ase co a, time if all—of ,that hospi- tality which is charity at the same

iis ih ip ees igi l | its prayer for the wherewithal Parwett’s for some hundreds o mere smell of Irish stew must Eden—its taste, Edeniteelf. —_— There is the prayer for “‘ Robin r a soul, fired by a Christmas é and Hand, who invokes the name of the bird on * Robins,” the weeds of our gutters and slums.t to w itable charity they give, let all our readers give to or other, and justify their own abundant Christmas dinners by the thought that they have found a dinner for some of those who out would have gone dinnerless on the day of good- * Mr. A. Avert, 14, eh me Cireus. + See the plea prettily pleaded in a pretty little volume, Robin's Carol, and What Cm af SS emanating from the abode of the cnonymous organiser, 7, Paragon, heath. a EFS = " fi a

HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON, Bei Dickens Dickensi the Visitors to the (Being a of a yr varaemnd al use of Visitors X.—This letter has cost me a lot of trouble. I haye besought anyone and everyone to tell me what he knew about any place in London beginning with ‘‘ X.” The answers could be divided into four classes :—(a) the positively negative, (b) the irritatingly humorous, ‘c) the stupidly ambiguous, and (d) the undeniably rude. Class (a).—These had never heard of any place beginning with X, never wished to, didn’t want to be bothered, and said good-day as soon as possible, and walked off. Class (b).—The irritatingly humorous. These wags knew of a score of such places. I per. “Any number!” I exclaimed, delighted. places beginning with X! Go on—name them.” Then came the irritating reply, “* X represents an unknown quantity.” I left in disgust. “Any number of

idea, “ Oh, X-eter Hall, of course.” Others suggested, ‘‘ The X-change.” One held out some hope. “You might fairly write the crosses as‘X.’ As, for z-sample, * King’s X,’ ‘ Charing X,’ and so forth.” I thanked him and made my z-it. Several humorous persons sug: that under “‘ X,” “‘ Double X,” and “ Treble X,” I should include all the Breweries. gave ap the humorous people. They were unfeeling and [un- pa c. In the next Class (c) were the stupidly ambiguous, who winked slily, and asked why I wanted to know. One of them su ited that I might include one particular part of London under “‘ X,” i.e. St. Mary Axe, if ‘ Axe” were onl pronounced * Exe,” in a sort of Mincing Lane fashion. This wouldn’t do. The class indulged in repartees which with a less busy man would have led to breaches of the peace, courts of law, mandamuses (or “‘mandami,” as a ne <a ~ amet his Latin grammar to some purpose, said it ought to or if hippopotamus in the pam oe | ip mi, oughtn’t toe neaae }~ ex- pressed by mandami ?)—appeals, certioraris, Houses of Lords, Queens fs Counells, and Empresses in Indias,—but, fortunately, I have neither time nor money for these costly luxuries. So I merely took omy | else’s umb: out of the Club-stand, and left, as the shades ovging vere falling fast. No, after fair Xamination I conclude that there is no X in London at the present moment, unless there be a church dedicated to Saint iy Francis Xavier. When we want to add to London, evidently we must have An-z. YACHTING CLUBS.—For ial information apply to any of the Jolly Young Watermen at the various London cab-stands. e members of Yachting Clubs must omage be in Yachting costume— t. ¢., costume de rigger. The general —or the admiral rule—is, t everyone must ‘‘ know the ” YOUNG MEN’S ASSOCIATIO . — Entirely intended for the Toone Ladies. YORICK CLUB.—For Theatrical Amateurs. Originally started by “‘ some village Hamlet.” YORK PLACE —As an article of consumption not so celebrated y Sak Hams. York Plaice is caught in the Archiepiscopal See of ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.—The most delightful lounge in the Metropolis, though a beastly place. The animals are fed at regular hours, but visitors can f emselyes at any time. The Bears at y hour are ready for buns, which are thrown to them by privi- eged ibers, each of whom, though no rabbit, is what the French term a-bunny. This letter finishes the Alphabet, but, in reply to numerous in- quires at our Letter-Box Office, the present Compiler begs to make following To Correspondents. Dsam Lapres ayp GENTLEMEN, You have asked me not to stop at ‘‘ Z,” but to add several other letters—in to ‘‘ keep it going.” Immediately on receiving your request, I ied to the Post-Office, but the authorities there wael me t was utterly impossible for them to give me any more letters. I add to my alphabet, on my own aecount, this one letter, which is more of a postscript than a letter, and remain Your humble Alphabetical Guide, Philosopher, and Friend, H. a G. S65

IN THEIR STOCKINGS. Christmas Eve Surprises—Selected, Emperor of Russia’s.—A “ Constitution” in good working Mr. Gladstone’ s.—A majority foem Midlothian. The Sultan’s.— A Christmas-box—in ready eyo Mr. Labouchere’s.—All the back numbers of the Daily Telegraph, gilt-edged, bound in vellum, and labelled ‘‘ Magna est veritas et prevalebit.” M. Grévy’s.—A French moderator—properly trimmed. Lord Lytton’s.—An Earl's coronet, and a free passage to South- ampton. d Salisbury’s.—A bundle of Christmas Cards from the Duke of ARGYLL. The Duke of Argyll’s.—A box of Christmas Bon-bons from Lord SaLIsBuRY. : Lord Beaconsfield’s.—A recipe for a few hours’ real peace, with or without honour, at Hughenden. And Cetewayo’s.—A roast ox, half-a-dozen of rum, and Punch’s Pocket Book for 1880.

Erratum.—We have to correct a mistake in “ A Floating Tom Tiddler’s Ground” in our last number. The Eldorado is not a P. and O. steamer.

Fifty, at least, replied at once, as if struck by quite an original

peed bed Dede

£8 To Conazsrowpuwts.— The Bditor doss not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In no case oan these be returned unless accompanied by @ stamped and directed envelope should be kept. hy wa

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January 3, 1880,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 301 NEW YEAR WISHES. From the Sage to All and Sundry. = OUND out, aia merry bells, the last “twelve” of the aoe’ ash loud through the night from the clock-tower near, While Sage in his | passi sanctum is sitting alone, i the bells’, for -Nine done ; in like the bells’, trifle more To be taken ‘up on x incoming Ei , Good wishes all round ’s the first work of the year to friends and to foes, = ery of the huckstering Is his cue, May the eg Year bestow as it I Better sense on the fool, greater strength on the wise, On{the eloquent tact, on the satirist heart, On the clever,more conscience, more taste on the smart. Your health, my deft Dizzy, here’s wishing you luck, Higher goals for your power, and patience, and pluck ; Better judgment in choosing new watchwords for But ; And, to warm that oe of which you are full, -contemned Just a spark of that m Which steadies the aim while it zeal for the right sharpens the sight, And, like a straight jock’s patient pounding, comes When the dodgers are done with, and wins at the last. More power to your elbow, Friend GiapsTor®, grey youth, And, a trifle more tact in your zeal for the truth. May your seventy-first year bring yu triumphs, dear G., pr Plus a wee bit of skill in the Art o écts. Stout Brummagem Jack, here’s —_ health in a bumper! May fairness more temper your orce as a thumper ; Be a little less eager to butter the Yankee And bully the Briton, and Punc To Sarispury let us wish less of And, let ’s say, a clear-up in his A will say, ‘‘ Thank ye.” asperity, views about verity, To Norrucore more backbone, to Lyrrow more light, To PaRNELL less sense of wron To Buu fewer bogies, more t , more sense of right, e, finer weather, And parties vee om rather better together, Good wishes ! Content with their state, as the ir objects ey | turn up their noses, ying year closes. No matter! Here ’s health to the grumblers all round, And ere the next New Year’s bells cheerily sound, ; May they learn Punch’s greetings, though pungent, are still Inspired by an honest and hearty good-will, Still informed by sense which ne’er gushes or cants— Those best New Year’s wishes that go to worst wants. Shutting the Stable-door, &c. Tue Indian Government is concentrating an Engineering Staff on the Railway from Peshawur to Jellalabad. Colonel Bonvs, R.E., is the Engineer-in-Chief. Let’s hope he ’ll be a good one. But hitherto the Bonuses of the great Indian Engineering Firm of Beaconsrretp, Lytton, & Co., have not been brilliant. “‘i7r’s AN ILL WIND,” ETC. Mr. Parnett has started gaily for America, and carries with him the best wishes of the Irish Landlords. Having kin November gale, they now fervently wish him dly secured for them a very light a very heavy December one. PRECIOUS RAILWAY PASSENGERS, Arter a gallant resistance on the part of the South- Western Railway Company to the claim of £16,000 awarded by a jury to Dr. Puriires, a London phy- sician, as compensation for injuries caused by A 1 gence of their servants, the Court of Appeal has confirmed that verdict, and the Company will have to pay the money. Down on the nail, too; for their counsel, Serjeant BaLLaAntTring, in vain besought the Court for a stay of execution. The Court said they had no power to stay execution ; and might have added, that if the had any they would certain y not exert it. The plainti had lost a practice of £7,000 a year by the defendants’ default, and the Lords Justices perhaps considered that, willing as they might feel to be as merciful as possible to the poor pany, they were bound rather to com- onate the poor physician, and not to stay, but, had ~ god ny on the contrary, to hasten execution as as . So now what will the South-Western Railway Company do? Will its Directors take counsel together, and enact a new bye-law decli conveyance of passengers earning incomes over a stated amount, except at aug- mented fares? Will they require such passengers to declare themselves, their a profits, or earnings, and to submit themselves to labelled ‘* Doctor,” “* Lawyer,” ‘‘ Author,” “ Artist,” ‘So much a year. With extra care”? Or will they, more prudently, consult with a view to the completest possible correction of any discoverable defect in their existing arrange- ments likely to result in the bodily harm of somebody, and to be detrimental to any passenger’s income large or small? Perhaps by this time they have fully corrected some, at least, of the defects of that description which they have mapenteSy pointed out to them. Perad- venture, there now no longer remains at any of their stations a single platform to whose level the descent has to be made either by a step so narrow as to be unmanage- able without risk of slipping, or hy the expedient of jumping down—great-toe and other lower extremities of ny 8 gentlemen affected with gout, notwithstanding. In the meanwhile, Railway Companies should be care- ful how they carry physicians, or other professional gentlemen in large ce, Theyare in like position with the boatman who carried C.xsar and his fortunes, with the difference that if they fail to take due care of Cmsar, they may find themselves obliged to make the wreck of Cmsan’s fortunes good. A NEW POSTAGE-STAMP. WE are promised a new postage-stamp, of a paler red—which looks as if Ministers wished to disclaim a warlike policy,—and with better gum,—a symbol, it may be said, of their adhesiveness or determination to stick to their places. The Queen’s Head, we are glad to hear will remain intact. In these days of Nihilist and Socialist attempts on Royal lives, this may be meant to reassure timid people. It is true that in England the danger to the Queen’s Head is Nihilist in another than the Russian sense—in that it amounts to nothing, and arises from nobody. But, after all we have heard of Lord Braconsrie.n’s views, it is a comfort to know that the Queen’s Head remains where it was—at least on her subjects’ letters, In the impression on her subjects’ hearts there never was any question of ¢ . AUGURY AT FAULT. A SEVERE winter is commonly said to be betokened by flocks of fieldfares and redwings. Ornithological ob- servers report that they have not seenany. Perhaps the severe summer killed them all. TO BE READ WITH A SCIENTIFIC EYP. ‘** Canut ” when we would sit on, ** Cab-l-under” we have lit on / Turxx ov THE Poor Lerrer-Cannrers !—The best Postman’s Christmas-Box—A Letter-Box! in the front- door. VOL, LXXVI, DD

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vw «at 4a .» a die tin aes os MET. ee ee - . res pons PUNCH, | 302 January 3, 1880. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [ | ul re ect. wo ii MH | i tae jMali il sa LEAP-YEAR, 1880. An Old Nursery-Rhyme. (New-set for Sheffield.) Wappy and aie were two ready men, T he odds upon loon 3 ey ran he! high, vith Bungs, Blues, and Tearemites all in full But the Blues they might bounce, and the Bun The Pats who bac ed They talked like steam-engines again and again. ADDY gave Wonrns y the ® bag! A ‘ SAYINGS AND DOINGS, | an order prohibiting the Slave Trade in t the slave. cry Sarp Pasn, it is stated in a € poteeines telegram, has issued e Sutran’s dominions, | under a penalty of a year’s imprisonment and the manumission of This is all very well, Said; but when will it be Done ? they might brag, ‘Leap ”—IN THE Dax! —1880!

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January 3, 1880,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA RIVARL i / fee 4 1 | AALS SR |S \ ~~ \ THE CIMABUE BROWNS. Go TO THE Zoo. THEN WE ’LL HAVE A JOLLY GOOD BLOW-OUT AT TOMIME AT Daury Lang!”’ Master Cimabue. ‘‘ THANKS AWFULLY, GRanpPpaAPa! "te Antiquated Grandpapa (fresh from Ceylon). ‘‘ Now, M¥ DARLINGS, WE'RE GOING TO MAK A REGULAR DAY OF IT. \ . = MAAN AWUWE 2 © “TRAIN UP A CHILD,” &c.) First wr’. THE LANGHAM HoteL. AND THEN WE’LL GO AND SEE THE PAn- But WE PREFER THE NATIONAL GALLERY TO THE ZooLOGICAL GARDENS |”’ Miss Monna Givronda, ‘‘ Yes, GRANDPAPA!—AND WE WOULD SOONAH HEAH HaNnpEL’s JupAs MaccaBaus, OR SeBasTIAN Bacn’s GLoRious ‘ Passtons-Musik,’ THAN ANY PANTOMIME, THANK You!”’ SEASONABLE CELEBRATIONS, At the urgent solicitation of his Welsh neighbours, who feel that as he lives in Wales it isonly just that he should favour that country with a public exposition of his views and opinions, Mr. GiapsTone {has consented, with the beginning of the new year, to k in public at Llanidloes, Machynlleth, Pwllheli, Swansea, the Cathedral Cities, and the principal railway stations, and from the Menai Bridge. ight procession up Snowdon is in con- templation as a d finale to the campaign, but it is feared that the season will interfere with Mr. Giapstone delivering an address on the financial position of the country from the summit. Great preparations are making for Mr. GLapstonr’s reception throughout the Principality; and presents of Welsh ale, Welsh flannels, Welsh slates, Welsh ponies, and Welsh rabbits, will greet him at every stage of his progress. We are glad to announce the revival of some fine old Christmas customs by the | profession. On an early night in the holidays a Lord of Misrule, and a Master of the Revels, will be elected. The Judges, Queen’s Counsel, Benchers, and Barristers, will assemble under their auspices, in the Great Hall of the Middle Temple, and take in a game of Snapdragon. Afterwards the Sergeants-at- law will sing a selection of glees and carols ; and a steaming wassail- bowl, borne on the shoulders of the two junior County Court Judges, | will close the entertainment. The Lonp Mayor and the Lavy Mayoress will be ‘‘ at home” in| all, on New Year's Eve. A gigantic Christmas-Tree will be | the principal attraction, with Gog and Magog as supporters. The | Lapy Mayoness, assisted by the Sheriffs and the Society of Arts, | will also preside over a ‘* bran-tub,” in which the Aldermen, Common | Councilmen, and Corporation , the Masters and Wardens of the City Companies, the Cabinet Ministers, the Ambassadors, and o Elder Brethren of the Trinity House will have the privilege of “ ipping.”’ Dr. B. W. Ricmarpson has invited a party of the principal scien- tifie chemists to dine with him on New Year’s Day. After dinner, samples of the wines bequea to Dr. Ricnarpson by Sir W. C. TREVELYAN Will be placed on the table, and subjected to qualitative and quantitative analysis. The time-honoured custom of seeing the Old Year out and the New Year in will be kept up by the Horological Society, assisted by the Queen’s Remembrancer, the Master of the Ceremonies, and the Staff of Greenwich Observatory. The Horologists perform on their new chronometers on this occasion ; and the scene will be illuminated by the Electric Light. On Twelfth-Night the Earl of Beaconsrretp will entertain the Conservative Peers who are minors, and a large party, both juveniles and adults, in the apartments of the Stationery Office. A great variety of conjuring tricks and illusions, and some novel and start- ling experiments with chemicals, &c., will be prominent features in his Lordship’s programme. The annual dole of dgacins and Curacoa, accompanied with warm stockings, will be distributed on New Year’s Day to decayed and deserving Members of the Honourable Corps of Gentlemen- at-Arms, in the Colour-yard of St. James’s Palace, by the Prince and Princess of WaLes. ——S Boar and Bore. AN OVIDIAN (NOT DARWINIAN) METAMORPHOSIS. (A Flash from a Midlothian Faggot.) Ontiavo laceravit aper Calydonius ictu : Ore Caledonius lassat nune rhetor aperto.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 3, 1880, THE “FIRST FOOT” 1880, the Bancrorts are about | di re- i the market, they will improve on and give us not only i fron act, which everybody can see the stage. That iathe problem. Required a single London theatre in which it is solved at present. ® cvstom of the North, And'the Young Year, his door, As the “ first foot” doth |}, ie ae To come in with the joy- e stars, PRESENTS FROM OUR CHRISTMAS- TREE. Earl of Beaconsfield.—A pair of Garters for two legs—one embroi * Im- perium,” and the other “ Libertas.” | Lord Cranbrook.—A rod in India pickle. Sir Michael E. Hicks-Beach.—A of the best Anglo-Dutch and another of » ye Ci An elegant and r. ‘orry.—An elegant an Secretary, with private drawers. Mr. Bright.—A firkin of best American As the Old Year strug- inheritor, comes with the joy-bells in, Is that who steps earli- est o’er The threshold of the wassail- and ol weletao win. So with the infant year Punch, the friend of itter. Lord Chelmsford and Sir Bartle Frere. —Collars of their Orders in Cape diamonds. Earl of Derby.—A_ reversible Coat, warranted a perfect fit at last. ; Mr, Gladstone.—The Heart of Mid- lothian, in cloth, (best tweed,) and a ton of Butter-Scotch, é rv, Lowe.—A packet of Grantham Gin- gerbread. Sir Wilfrid Lawson,—A Christmas ham- per, containing two bottles of lemonade, two of Apollinaris and two of soda-water, a plum-cake, a pound of tea, and a packet of loaf-sugar. " Mr. ackonochie, — An ecclesiastical Suit, Oxford mi warranted durable. arquis & isbury. — A Russian Note-Paper-Case, with cipher, and key to t to, Miss Terry.—A fourth Casket, with her portrait as Portia set in diam: " BeaconsvieLp,| Mr. Waddy.—Fourteen thousand sharp a | Sheffield Blades, ers high and low. Better foot than he I trow could never be bells, neath th across the snow. A Desideratum. Ler us hope that when Hay- SUGGESTION FOR MADAME TUSSAUD. As aset-off to the Chamber of Horrors—a Chamber of Beauties, with a ring of British belles in full swing. OLD GRUMPS’S CHRISTMAS DINNER ALPHABET. was A 1, that’s me, asked for my money ; was the Bosh, which some asses think funny ; was the ( ‘hildren, big bores—great and ; was the Dinner, turkey, mince-pie, and all ; was the Evening I thought ne’er would end ; was the ‘‘ Family ”’—not a good blend; was the Greengrocer, proud of his post ; was the Husband, a much henpecked host ; was the Idiot, old stories who told ; was his Jokes, whose ion was cold ; was the Kitchen, where thi went to pot; was the Lady-help, helpless and hot ; was me aa. a Tehinee he Raieed was the Noodle, m i who ; dreadfully acid ; A B Cc D E F G H I J K L M 'N O was the Oranges, ; P was the Poker of fun, pert and placid ; was the Quizzer, who wore out my patience ; was the Row, among too near relations ; was the Snub, whic ve whene’er crossed ; was my Temper, several times lost ; ’s the Umbrella, they said Z’d mislaid ; the Vexation I freely displayed ; my Will—which those folks shan’t be better for ; the Expense, which, thank Heaven, I ’m no fretter for stands for Yule with its prickles of holl : for the Zanies who call Christmas jolly. Q R 8 T U Vv Ww x Y Z CLAIMS OF THE “CLAIMANT.” Mr. Ponca, Sir, Talk of Liberals avin’ sitch a preshus feller-feelin for the People, Hoo was it as two sentences of ial servitude to foller one arter tether upon the unfortnate Nobleman now a lan- guagin at Porchmouth? Hoo, but Lord Chief justass Cosvrn ? Yah! He’s a Liberal, he is; and wot politics is the Arronwrr- Genenat that ’s been and granted a fie-at agin his judgment as will werry likely amount to a New Year’s Gift of libberation to Sir Roperr Ticusorne, leastways next Febuary. Wy, a Conserwa- tive is Sir Jomw Oxer, and as a member of Her Majesty’s Guyment no he ’ve done wise in consultin the conwictions and f of many a true Inglishman that can’t and won’t be conwinced or per- suaded nohow, say what yer like, but wot im they calls the Claimant Geicat Nery pe ors ets re y orty uacks. y ws hoo for their reel Friends, witch favours their wishes. I’m bound to say there ’s menny and menny a burrow where the ini Candidate at the next election will pole the vote of every man jack which puts faith in the Hurl of BEaconsFrELD, cause as how he likewise beleeves in that there other Nobleman aforesaid, and which is also the sentemence of your umbal servant, Witt Porry. P.S.—A Conservative Working-Man. MILITARY NINEPINS. Despatch from General R. :— My Army Corps temporarily shut up in a very strongly fortified position. Will make short uk of the enemy when Gen. B, comes up. Meantime quite comfortable. No danger / Despatch from General B. :— Mr troops quite strong enough, but can’t go far. Will smash the foe as soon as Gen. G. arrives. Quite happy. No danger / Despatch from General G, :— My soldiers in splendid fighting trim, and full of dash, When Col. M. joins with his contingent, will carry all before us. All serene, No danger / Despatch from Viceroy :— Wuer M. joins G., and G. unites — Bond B. mieten De we may expect a speedy termination brilliant campaign, 80 ably, A al and so promptly carried out. Meanwhile, it is satisfactory to be assured on all hands that there is no danger ! More Suonr THanw Sweer.—We regret to see that the brief equmnpnt on * Such a good man” at the Olympic is “ Svcm a bad P. y.”

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2 ea ee a ae eed a ee ats os = ee ok, ea ae PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARI 1H] 7 red wai | NN) if’ | \ OS Pash AU [| | er VA / ny i ) 7 Panay) ma) ; ME fon ry i Tal I ir y 4 “EE . ’ —- = . / S S Seay 7 CS NX LAA \ AS NW AiwW | Y, 44 il MY / F; Y Wy y ’ ‘ if 4

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DON CHARIVARI.—Jaxvary 3, 1880, (ci Wily Vi» 4

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JANU Mr. “ M truly a the mo subtler

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January 3, 1880.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 309 U i if ' 1} | i} M \ ] | i Bs “ vy, SS yy, We — = " Wer s war? S SQ SS A: REGOLLEGYTION’ OF » THOMAS: FAED. R-A-W-THE-fEAR- 1879, CONVIVIAL CULTURE’S NEW YEAR’S EVE, Mr, Puncn has been fayoured with the following :— ** Avalon by Caerlaon, Eve of a Dying Year. ** My Quarnt anp CoarmMine Frtenp **For so, my dear Mr. Punch, I think 1 may be allowed to address you—I want you, who s0 truly appreciate the spirit that animates us, to let me offer your readers a few hints as to the only possible esthetic fashion in which culture can stoop to the celebration of that revel of Philistinism, the modern holiday. I would teach you, and those who, like you, strain with aching eyes tha subtler beauty, which neither you nor they can understand, how to greet the awaking of another— * Long and languid year.’ ‘* And first, understand that the spirit of the Old World Masque——.” o * * * * * * * * Fam matter obliges Mr. Punch to condense the interesting communication of his cultured corre- He has, however, run roughly through his ten pages of very cramped manuscript, and the following will be found a pretty complete pa he of its contents :— 7 . On the evening of the 31st December, ask all the people you know to’look in at about eleven, in cotton- velvet doublets, tight silk hose, and frizzy hair. your guests are assembled in rooms without carpets, but hung with worm-eaten tapestry, very yellow Old Church lace, and Venetian mirrors, and set about with ancient settees, too rickety to upon, and angular chairs that go over if sat down on un-mediwvally, go out into the street with your family (in silk tights), and accompany yourselves on various three-strin instruments, a medisval hand a ring of belle, a pipe and tabor, and timbrels, in a‘ Nowell,” until stopped by sneezing or ordered off gd. ge Come in and pose a 50S ont perm, Ht you can, 2 0, suppes capled Soom 0 Suse Yissentine eens of FRANCESCO DELLA InDIGESTIBILE, the chief feature of which should be a cold pasty of Ligurian ortolans, served up with slices of raw cabbage. Hang about listless) Ladies as “‘ damosel,” their Mammas as ‘‘ Lady mine,” and Keep this up till the ortolan pasty begins to tell on as you can to form a procession in the street outside, and languid Year. ee peer one & Goa ” to the fleeting e time” nearest c Lange vy ee ELD, Sateen” onl on t bel eam gratulating yourself that you have seen the New Year in in a spirit of true esthetic culture. N.B.—If your hair is much frizzled, take care yeu don’t go too near the gas. The above is pretty much what Mr. Punch makes of the wsthetic programme, which he recommends to those’ of his readers—if any—to whom the old-fashi Philistine way of seeing the Old Year out and the New Year in, is a pain and a ;| Till Lion-prowess shall “AT BAY!” Ruxexp by the wild and wolfish In dense and denser bands— Above him storm-clouds low- him snows and sands— A moment, borne by numbers At bay the Lion stands! His back against the rifted Not firmer rooted there Than heagainst the assailant’s With savage fangs set bare, Reckless how mantt thousands Down from their mountain- Not his nor to ask thewh Or wherefore of the ng 4 J ray wea we cry Of erate for Robler the Lion ’s of our to the work addrest, For Rs ..J stern duty, ne’er Hath on him laid behest, Bidding him make his Empire North we, pus south, east and So while our Ion stands at oT fore must be for That ome ams may Hin tise: — |. eyes wax not dim, o’er- Weltiemtee, goest end —e .————————— ANGLO-IRISH IDEAS. Brespgakine the Hudders-

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wo", - SR ee ae eam ert “Ft Aunty. ‘‘Now Srrixs!” 510 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AN INFANTILE SELL. Efe. **Now I’m tue Crock. J’ Tick, AND YoU TELL ME WHEN TO Strike, Austy! Tick—tTick—rTIcK—tTICK—Tick,” &c., &c, [Effie boxes her Aunty's ears, a ee ee MINISTERIAL NEW YEAR’S ENTERTAINMENT. Wrru a view to stem the tide of Liberal reaction, and at once to amuse themselves and the North oantey ublie by a seasonable entertainment in these depressing times, the Members o the Ministry have agreed to give a Soirée in one of the Industrial Capitals of the North, which, is not yet definitely settled. Punch has been favoured with an early copy of the me :— Exhibition of ey Views, by the Earl of Braconsrrexp. Grand display of Magic-Lantern Slides, showing “ Beauties of -” “Views of Old and New Stamboul,” in which will shown the w Entertainment ularl known as “‘ Les Ombres Turques” or Karagooz, with the humours of the Ol Turk improving himself off face of Europe; “ Herd of White Elephants at + A “ Scientific Frontier” (with Phantasmagoric effects). Concluding with grand Allegorical Tableau representing ‘* Peace with Honour.” An Interval for Refreshment. Grand Gymnastic Performance. Vaulting over Nigger Melody—‘ On the Stump,” with season- Reading, by the Mosque of Sarissury, from “‘ Les Rois en Fril,” illustrated by t ate highly-coloured Pictures of Cerewaro, Secoce:n1, Yakoos Kaan, and Ismart| Become an American Citizen. Pasna. Stand for the Presidency. [Janeary 3, 1&80. Magnified Views in the Capngenan Microscope— of Ministerial Finance—Past and Present. By the Right Honourable Sir Starrorp Nortu- COTE. Facts and Figures, by the whole Troupe. Concluding with Balancing Feats by the CHancector of the ExcuEQuer. able Topical Allusions to Yule-Logs and Faggots. By the Right Honourable E. STraNHOPE. Reading, in character, from the Merchant of Venice—Lancelot Gobbo’s famous Soliloquy, “To Budge it, or not to Budge it.” By the Right Honourable Sir Starronp NorTHCOTE. Sheffield Song, with Clog Hornpipe Accompani- ment. Arn—“ Gin a Body.” Gin a body—S. D. Wappy,— Strength with Worr.ey try, Gin a body beat a body, Need a body cry ? By Viscount Cransroox (who has been pre- vailed upon to appear on his way to Scotland to answer Mr. GLADSTONE). Glee— Arn—“ OA ! the oak, and the ash, and the bonny ivy tree.” Oh! the Zulu, and the Turk, and the bony Afreedee ! Lord B., Lord C., and the Marquis of 8. A Game at General Post. Led by Lord Joun Manners, who will leave his old nobility at home for the occasion. Ending in general confusion and loss of seats. Duet (from Madame Favart, by kind permission of Mrs. SwANBOROUGH). “ We are such artless things !”’ The Earl of Braconsrretp and Marquis of SALISBURY. Selections from H.M.S. Pinafore (with the kind rmission of Mr. Doytey Carte and Messrs. ILBERT AND SULLIVAN), by Right Hon. W.H. Smirn, and the Naval and Civil Lords of the Admiralty. Comic Reading—‘' Tall Talk” — By the Lorp Hien CHANceELtor, on Stilts. “* Cross-Purposes’’—Monopolylogue, with changes of costume, d@ la Wooptn. By the Home SECRETARY. Irish Jig and Break-Down. By the Right Hon. J. LowTHer. Part Song. By Heads of Departments. “ Good-bye! Sweethearts ! Good-bye!" With drum and trumpet accompaniment. By Viscount CranBRooxk and Lord STANLEY. Finale and General Chorus, with Solo Parts for each Minister— “ Tt may be for years, and it may be for ever !”” A select body of se | Members, in their true- blue uniforms, with Mr. CHaPiin, will be in attendance for the purpose of Protection. N.B.—No Money Returned, Cattle Plague in Cyprus. (A Really Superfluous Importation.) Wir the plagues of man so shared us,— Enough ’s as good as a feast ;— Europe might have surely spared us Her peculiar plague of beast ! PUNCH’S ADVICE TO PARNELL. Sexp a liberal donation to the Duchess of | Max tzonoven’s Relief Fund. Settle in the United States. @@ To Comzusrowpanrts.— The Bditor does not hold hineclf bound to acknowledge, stamped and directed envelope return, or pay for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by 4 Jopies should be kept. b> & *& & db b& & & &

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Jaxuaty 3, 1£80.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Astution of Smoke (The), 119 bstract Lord Mayor (The), 231 age of Mufti (The, 112 Almost too Good to be True, 153 "ER Onrane Insect (An), 237 Outrance !" 174 of some Recent P: oceedings, 215 ry - Ambo ; or, Who's the Patriot? 1 in , 217 on the Rail, 109 *Arry woe River, s ‘A rt of Ai (Te), 267 Art of arming As Good as a Pantomime, 250 Autumn Suits, 124 Back-caats of the Season, 87 Bad and 186 Bad Weather for Words, 288 Bathybius, 89 ng the Buccleuch, 2/8 Before the First, 180 Beggary and Thitt, 277 ry an tt Betsy the Avenger, 142 Between the Acts, 114 95 Bishop before the Curtain (A), 161 Boarding Ow me ,- i it v. —_ ng, 219 Bonds and Bene ~£ na Brave — (rhe), 167 Brief Hints British Ballad (A), 148 Bulls, Welsh and Irish, 144 Burvisb your Beckbones, 233 By Anticipation, CaceD Biekbnd c ia} 133 Call for a Candidate (A), 155 Captive of the Commons (The), 47 Casus Belli (A), 242 Cattle-Slow Prizes, 1879, 274 a FL ing, 1 (a 160 Caution to tc (4) 246 Genus Geaanen Cantabit Vacuns, 238 * Chairs ! Chairs!” 167 Chancellor on Cetewayo (A), 149 “*Cheep” of the Partridge (The), 106 “ Chemicals,” 234 ** Chip of the Old Block ” (A), 90 Christmas Problems, 277 Christmas Triads, | Churchwarden’s Question (A), 25% Claims of the “ Claimant,” A Colossus of Words (The), 270 Comfoit from Shakespeare, 222 Coming to the Point, 25 Comparative Cruelty to Animals, 182 Complimentary Sermon fA) 162 Conditional Science (A), 1 Conjectural Emendation, 198 Constituencies and Cads, 190 Converts and Cannons, 76. Conviction by Chance, 84 Convivial Culture’s New Year's Eve, 309 Co-operative Clergymen, 149 Country Sports and Pastimes, 107 Country Thoughts, §8 Court Column (A), 265 Cranbrook to bis Countrymen, 35 Craniology on the Continent, 64 Crumb of Comfort (A), 105 Dame Europa’s Christmas-Box, ‘91 Dangerous Judge (A), 265 Demand and Supply, 231 Demand for Army rs, 190 Det ecration of a good Old Day, 228 Diving Car (The), 202 Diragreeable Inn-Ovation, 256 District in Darkness (A), 108 Donning the T A “ Don't Overdo it,” Double Canvass (a), $81 Doubtful [uvitation (ay 131 Dunn on Both Sides, 192 EpvucaTionaL Grievauce (An), 203 Embar: a‘ sing Situation (An), 286 Empty Ben hes out of Place, 252 | End of the Tug at Stamboul (The), 276 | English, Plain and Parliamentary, 25 Shieh’ of it (The), 222 Enlarged an (An), 169 En Rapport, 1 Essence of Purllement, 2, 13, 26, &c. Cetewayo, } Cetewayo's Proposal, 189 Et Apres? 141 Examination Papers for Schoolmasters, 110 Christmas Hints for Christmas-Boxee, 297 Clouds and the Clergy (The), ** Cock-a-doodle-doo |” — “ ‘i before Sunrise,” 198 Cross Questions and Crooked ‘Answers, 181 a peu 7 mM a/ - a — a WN Ed ry 0 Wh | Examination Paper for the Higher Edu- cation of the Welsh, 9 | Excellent Example (An) 216 | Excursionist (The), 64 Ex Nibilo Nihil, 228 Expulsion of the Hyksos, 18 Extraordinary State of Liquor, 159 Eyes of the Foreigner (The), 1/6 Facts not Generally Known. 274 | wo Banco, Infallibility ex-Cathe- Falling of the Curtain (The), 141 “ Finance A la Mode |" +4 “ First Foot,” 1880 (The), 304 Floating Tom Tiddler’s Ground (A), 287 Foes for Phylloxera, 205 France in a Fair — 159 | Fraternal Age (The), French Tranststion’ tay, 110 Friends at a Distance, 81, +3, 100, &c. From May to December, +97 From Our Climbing Coutributor, 16 From the Philistine Point of View, 169 » nen of “ Give and Take,” i4: Gamo of the Day (The), 150 Girls among Gallipots, 169 Gladstone's P: ess, 264 Gladstone—the Man and the Bag, 267 Glorious News, 287 | Gobemoucheries ; all about a Visit to | Vienna, 156 Good Exam le (A), 166 Good Lead (A), 262 Good of India (The), 283 Good Word for a Gcod Work {4 269 (reat Parochial Storm (A), +6 Green-Meat cum Grano, 204 | Guildhall Library on Sundays, 185 | Hanpwritine on the Wall (The), 239 Happy Home Cheap (A), 288 Happy Release (A), 137 | Happy -Thought Guide to London, 9, 24, 6, &c. Happy Thoughts of Foreign Travel for Happy You Young People ! _ Har ap Hy Hard eather for itching, 45 | Heroism on Hire, 156 Higher Educational Pantomime, 280 | “ High Powers in Copjunction—{or Colll- sion),” 257 High 6Bhrievalty Reform, 201 Hints “4 a New and Original Dramatie Col , 292 Hints “ "Travellers, 66 /? Ray Hew Our Cow ill Bpend the ow ntry Onenia w Week in London, +a How we Debate Now. Hundred and Twice Told id ale (A), 8&4 [mMPENDING Seeapene, 300 {mperial Pop ! 265 “ Toy " 244 Injured Innocents! 42 n ohn Beldwin Bockstone, 220 ; John Thaddeus Delane, 265; Row 129 In More Plocce than One, 252 In re the Instructive (The), 1/7 1 800 the Propbet—iaw 1” 88 261 “Is Life worth Living? ” It e), 167 5 Lawrence, 1 Jupiter Plu 106 Keroutino it in more Ways than One, £98 Kbedive at a Reduction | (A), 12 Kick in Time (A), 225 LaMPLicut on Street Names, & , 299 Last, not Laste, Irish Grievance, 173 Latest from Rome, 7 Leave and No Licence, 192 Legal Ownership of Limbs, 167 Legend of Exeter Hall (The’, 72 Lemon-aid to ae Life, lessor, 273 —_ - Sea sBhow by Anticipation (The), a. and Wedlock in teeny Bog Luckless Young Gentleman ), 80 | ery eg agnates, 275 enone ant Mel Melancholy, 264 ae, rr King (foo) 1 €5 Mescorable Departore, 9 Michasimas " Geoes, "1 - 8 Military N Mind where you or your Feet, 261 Ministerial Dinner at Greenwich (The), 61 Ministerial New Year's Kute:tainment, 310 Le a School-Board ¥ (The), 245 odern “ Nine” (The), 26 Mcdorn Bags A), 13 ), 128 More “‘ Turning beng Flavk,” 28 Home-Rulers at Home, 78 Honour to the Lord Mayor, 60 Moribund, 69 Mr. Punch's Bag for September, 19

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‘aot ri St. Partridge and St. Switbin, 106 ge Soe eee See He Sy of 287 T AL _ That 's How the Goes, 219

Sea (A), 146 Voice from the West (A', 16, Me 145, &e. Voice of Vani Weir (Pee) Volunteer be Regular Skele- ton (The “ Waxpearine Willie,” 255 oa oy 188 ar Correspondence in Futuro, 249 bap wee eee Fy DN 138 pm ay n+ yp 205 a thy, 95 “ Warspite and our Sailor Boys,” 275 Fis eas sh Weighed in lance, 192 the Balance, Wet World, My Masters ! (A), 15 What the Wild Waves are Saying? 145 What will be done with him? 137 What will he do with It? 4 “When Cat meets Cat!” 4 a Kids in Aberdeen, 1 of the Woiskey Brinker (The), 12 | why went to Kilburn, 1 Woman's Rights’ Vade ‘7 (The), 99 Wonders of the Seasiite, 40 Worst of Farming i

LARGE ENGRAVINGS. A.cuemist (The), 235 * A Outrance !” 175 * At Bay!” 306, 307 the the Acts, 115 Between Black “‘ White Bl " (A), 138 * Chip of the Old k " (4) 91 S joo |" Bongs before Sunrise,” 199 Colossus of Words (The), 271 Crum of Comfort (A), 108 “ Don’t overdo it!” 187 Eo of it (The), 228 Fiat Justitia! 126, 177 ° oe a la Mode |” 168 Game of the Day (The), 1 ares Innocents, 43 Horse ; or, not ~~ Yet (The), 7 Performer and Critic, 283 Poor Nurse Northcote, 5. “Pull, Devil! Pull, Beker 1” 247 “ Remnant of an ong A * (The), 31 Se. aoe eras, 7 St. 79 U Ap} = ee turned “ | ey ” (The), SMALL ENGRAVINGS. Fe oy Children, bigb a, - ——_ Reason for not forts ec (An), 205 of , 35 ithietic with Large Waists, 174 Aunt Jemima’s d for Dress, ‘ se “ Back Wartare ve Ueda tae Ranaotoken. 289 who scrapes bard enough (A), 106 B Baie i Grey Horse (The), 291 Grantham White Terrier, 218 ‘s to the Duke of Brass 3 ag at Shrimpington, 158 Brilliantly Talkative Host (A), 138 British Tourist’s Time-henoured Tareat, 194 Brooks and Snooks Question, 59 Brother and Sister on the Ice, 299 Brown and Jones in the Rain, 89 Brown’s Bulidog and the German, 95 "Bus Driver and Rival Conductor, 46 Cavalry Colonel and the Cobweb, 195 Children who do not Paddle, 114 Children’s High-Art Amusements, 303 Chimney-Sweep and Stingy Parson, 192 Clock-ease instead of Barometer, 131 Cloister Costumes, 34 Cold Tongue Réchauffée, 182 Commeretal Gent's Breakfast (A), 227 bl (A), 251

| Pe in the School-room, 170 Corporal’s Pennyworth of Blank Forms, 179 | Costermonger and the Fly-Catcher, 162 Cotton and Pig-Iron cettleg better, 202 | Deme Europa’s Christmas-Box, 290 | Definition of Genius and Talent, 234 Displaying Arms in Full Dress, 71 Doctor and Tipsy Gravedigger, 147 Doctor's Advice to a Patient (A), 155 Druaken Irishman and Priest, 14 Effect of the “‘ Pinafore” Costume, 75

at ** Clock,” 310 Bove Beatle playing Lawn-Tennis, 23 Partridge-shooting, 119 } neem Baronet (An), 54 ‘acetious Conductor and Stout anne. ll ae Li on = a Feeding the th Buns, s0. Female Dentist’s Aching Wrist (A), 203 Flowers Fade—Buns don’t, 239 Footman’s Reason for not Sweeping 265 preg Cosume ond Went-Gomm, 41 Genius, with no 8u; ws (A), 142 ist sto play (The), x6 Gladstone as the Hermit Crab, a playing the French eee, 193 who never Brags (A), 150° Grane Guildhall Cracker (A), 230 Group of ’Arries (A), 130 Gus's Circus Horse, 51 Hairdresser and Viol'nist’s Hair, 16 Hansom Cabby and Four- Wheeler, 187 Having a Father in the Leg 229 Haymakers during Showers, Highland Piper and ly Lora, 298 Hobbies of a Painter and a Composer, 217 Hot Water over the San Marco, 266 Hy iartaape Watiines tes Sit uo! jon, 183 Inquiring Artists Irascible dey od nad t his iy Book, 123 Irish aking Up Ge Guest, 76 Irish Cattle-Pair (An), 286 Irish Farmer and the Rent Petition, 215 Irritable Old Gent and Newsboy, 277 Jones's Command of Facial Expression, 246 — ~ Definition — “Is Life Worth ” 167 Ledy Snobbington’s Sastintion, 226 Lawn-Mower fr. Pianoferte, 111 Lawn-Tennis Costume, 118 Lawn-Tennis Geometrical Proposition, 207 Lawn-Tennis Spider-Web (The), 122 Lawyer Outwits the Butcher (The), 190 Laying the Eddystone Foundation, 86 a 1880, 302 H. and Lady at Cover-Side, 267 meets: it Se y, More Water than Land, 2 Mother and Daughter's inventing Visite, 294 Mourner and Black Gloves (A), 27 Moving Panorama on Fire (The), 22 Mrs. Browne's pa ne ty 66 Mrs. Tomkyns and M. de Paris, 3 New Reason for being in Parliament, 110 Old and New Schoolboys, 180 Old Groom and School-Board ~ ary 98 Old Mariver’s Seat on the Beach, 15 Old Salt and a Stranded om, 171 Parnell’s Wrong Card, 178 Paterfamilias and Family at — 18 Pat Selling his Rags and Bone ‘eter Piper's Lesson in Small Talk, 219 Pleasures of Pic-nics (The), Plymouth Brethren’s Tea-Cake, 113 Ponsonby and the Duchers's Spelling, 181 Prolific Picture-Painter (A), 73 Pudding Tommy would — 7 287 Punch's Weather-Chart Puzzled Frenchman and nner hand 221 Quack’s Mistake (A), 274 Result of Twelvemonths’ Sempeeees 214 Royal Academy Canvas- Backs, 6 Saxon Tourist and Gaelic Fisherman, 48 Schoolboy gone Tick” for Everything, 279 Scotch Penalty —~ 5 ed Fishing, 70 Sea-Air or Drains? 1 Shunter’s Reason for “Retiring (4), 25 Simla Sensitive Plant ), 2 Sir Frederick and the Sede, 102 Sir Garnet Netting Cooney 134 Sou’- Wester Costume for ie oF as Sowing Stewards and Land Squire and the New Butler Tne) a Squire's Economy in Cigars (The), 182 Sd hursasen Wert = on 52 as ‘ailor Measuring a ’ Three Quarters of Lamb, en Tim mt of the one, Tommy’s trom Bare'ars, 270 Two Curates and the Weather, 6 Watching a Yacht-Race in Well-aired Sheets in the “ ” 135 Wet World—Frog’s Pic-nic (A), 15 Wiggles’s Visit > his Old ‘Aunts, 238 Working in Afghanistan (A), 222 Workwan the Swell’s Penny, 58 Worn Out, 509 Y and Farmer at the Show, 276 Yours Whi Player's Startling Remark, 204 Youthful Crities of the Divine Sarah, 12

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193 298 , 217 , 184 0,183 23 215 sion, , 297 90 , 204 , 110 r, 98 e, 18 1st 7 221 214 48 279 0 102