Punch 1879: Vol 76

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is Pay ( > AAS: AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,

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LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & ©O., PRINTERS, WBHITEFRIARS.

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Jory 5, 1879.) ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

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TU ATT HERE was nothing else for it, they said at the F. O. and the C. O. It had been Sir Garnet's last wish, as he stepped on board the transport at Portsmouth, to have me at his elbow. I had promised him to think about it. I had thought about it. I had handed over the charge of the Office to Tony —transferred the Editoriel Chair to the oldest Contributor—kissed Jupy and embraced our child—bought a solar topee and a Kharkee jacket—detached from the trophy, of which it forms the central ray, “le sabre, le sabre, le sabre de mon pére,”—and, to cut a long story short, I was there! “Push on to the front,” said Sir G.; “and see if you can’t set things straight with Cerewayo.” To hear was to obey. Iam not particular about Commissariat or personal comforts. My habit is not to make diffi- culties, but to overcome them. I waive the tale of my inspannings and outspannings, my struggles over spruits and drifts and dongas, my weary veld-marches, my breakneck kopje-climbs, my gauntlet-running of Zulu ambuscades, my defiance of all imps of darkness, and impis of deeper darkness still. Enough that I was there, at last—in the black presence—front to front with the formidable son of Panna. I will not say that my interview had not been facilitated by a letter of my friend and Crre- wayro's, worthy Bisnor O-1-nso. “ Let me introduce my old friend Puncu,” he wrote, concisely. “If anybody can make things straight between you and the English Government, he will. Only listen to what he tells you, and do it.” I have no very distinct recollection of how I came into the Royal presence. My recollection on this point is, I own, confused. It could not have been the Caffre beer. I had kept it up late, I know, with the chief poet and head witch-finder, but they assured me there was not a head-ache in a hundred calabashes; and I was covl, quite cool—in fact, in something like a cold chill—when I was told by a black Chamberlain in cow-tail garters, and a court-dress of a bead-belt and head-ring, that Czrewayo would be glad to hear anything I had to say to him; that I was his father ; and that he hoped I would adopt him as my son, and teach him, now that he had washed his spears, how to dry them. To my astonishment the Zulu monarch was not alone when I reached the presence. He was surrounded with repre- sentatives of all the Powers England has been at odds with during the last twelvemonth. No wonder the kraal of audience was crowded. As I stood there—my topee on my head—I had notified to the Chamberlain that I would no more stoop to take off my hat before the Royalty of Ulundi than our Burmese Envoy his shoes before that of Mandalay—the sabre of my father under my arm, “ in act to speak, ... and graceful waved my hand,” I was enabled to identify, on the other side of the estrade which divided me from my auditors, types of Afghan and Burman, Sclav and Bulgar, Egyptian and Greek, Turk and Skipetar and Montenegrin—representatives of almost as many races and bloods as there are divisions of opinion in the Irish Home-Rule party. “ And these are the races we have been fighting—or at least quarrelling with when we were not fighting!” I thought with pride. “ What an illustration of that ‘ peace’ which we have, at last, learnt to reconcile with ‘ honour’” !

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Nok ow. uae Ba EY = ies iv PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Juxy 5, 1879. My self-congratulations were interrupted by Cerzwayo springing nimbly to the front, and clashing his assegai against his shield by way of enforcing attention. “ Speak, oh Pusca!” exclaimed the sable monarch. “ What should Cerewayo do?” “ Cerewayo should listen to the Missionaries England has sent him.” “ England is very kind. But why send all to Cerewayo? Why not keep some at home?” “ We have not left ourselves altogether without reverend counsellors of the same cloth,” I replied, “ if not the same name. “ But if you have Missionaries left at home, why do they not teach you the same things they teach me? They tell me I must not invade Englishman’s country. Englishman invade mine. They forbid me to wash my spears in Boers’ blood. Englishman wash his bayonets in Zulus’. They teach me I must not keep up my army of young men. English- man keep up his army of younger men than mine. They say I must not kill Zulu. Englishman kill Zulu. I must not take your cattle. You take mine. I must not settle on Englishman’s or Boer’s land. Englishmen and Boers settle on my young men’s, “ Hear! hear!” rang loud from the delighted Representatives of hostile or aggrieved Nationalities, who had hung on the thick lips of the sable Sovereiga. “ Ditto to Cerewayo!” they cried, as with one voice. “ Do as you would be done by, and you will not do as you have done.” I found it harder to answer the naked Savage's argument than I had expected; and felt that to go into a detailed reply would be hopeless. But I at once saw my way to a short cut—like our own High Commissioner. “You will find my auswer there /” I answered, pitching Volume Sebenty-Sit right in the face of the Zulu Monarch. It took him unawares; broke down the feeble guard of his cowhide shield, and laid him on his back, prostrate and helpless. Seizing my opportunity, I leapt on the Volume, and executing a wild war-dance, strove, with emphatic entrechats, to drive its contents into the prostrate Zulu. In the violence of this exertion, I awoke—and lo! it was a dream / And the sound I had heard was the clamour of the Printer’s Boy craving “copy” for the Preface of

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Janvary 11, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _——_—— _ Tee se til PL ee SS RE Oe Pe TT ee, A YEAR'S GOOD WORK. PEOPLE may grumble about the management of Charities, doubt the good of ‘Seup-Kitchens and Asylums for the houseless, or even venture a r ether the great good of Hospitals is not diminished ty serious physical and economical drawbacks which might be lessened by wiser management; but there is one institution whose work, and whose way of doing it, no , so far as Punch knows, ever ions, and that is the National Lifeboat Institution. Its battle sea and the storm is never-ending. But if the ocean can seorée’ to its side an awful list of casualties,—dead, wounded, and missing,—the gallant Institution whose head-quarters are at 14, Joha Street, Adelphi, can boast its victories, too, and reckon up the liyes*sayed by its gallant mavy of life-saving craft, and their life-risking not life-destroying crews. Its roll of brave deeds bravely done in 1878, shows— “A total of 471 lives rescued by the Society's Lifeboats, in addition to 17 vessels saved from destruction. In thé same périod the Lifeboat Insti- tution voted rewards for saving 145 lives by fishing and other boate, making a grand total of 616 lives saved last year, mainly through its instrumentality. ey ye since its formation, the Society has contributed to the saving of 26,051 shipwreeked persons, for which services it has granted 980 Gold and Silver Medals, besides character of these noble performed paniny awards to the amount of £56,850. The ifeboat serviees has varied much, sonie having been ed during the darkness of the night, others in the daytime; but nearly all have oom rendered during stormy weather, which would have prevented any open boat parame. So rescue. Again, it 1s most to know that, yal ac nga, @ peril and re incurred ty t crews, not a single life was last year from the 269 Lifeboats of the ty, although about 12,000 men Were out in them on all occasions.”” And all this saving of life, with not one life lost in the act of salvage, terrible as were the enemies in whose teeth all these victories were won ! It is something to be proud of—better—something to be thankful for,—and in no way can our gratitude to the gallant salyors, and the heads that station and equip them for their warfare, be shown, than,— as they 7 to the ery ‘‘ Man the Lifeboat! ”’—by responding to the ery ‘* Money the Lifeboat!” for even the saving of life costs money, ous mealculably less than the destroying it. Then let Punch, too, send round his cap and bells, in aid of the work and wants of the National Lifeboat Tnstitation ! VOL, LXXVI. ya’ ae —~ — ‘ wen ty = y —= — - — a, = ——————————— NEW YEAR’S WISHES. (By a Poor Relation.) Wisu my old Hat looked as new as it did this day last year. ish I knew where to buy another without paying for it. Wish my Sunday Trousers would not bag so at the knees, although I seldom kneel down on them now. Wish that my Umbrella had not caught that awkward knack of turning inside out when a whiff of wind gets under it. Wish that Mr. Epison would invent some indestructible clothing for small children, and also some cheap and filling substitute for butchers’ meat. _ Wish some rich young fellow of a generous disposition would fall in love with our Jemma, and ask my leave to settle something dsome on her parents. Wish old Uncie Sxkynriynt would finish that Marsala, which he always passes off instead of Sherry when I dine with him. Wish that somebody or other would take a fancy to Avevustus, who really is a clever boy, and I am sure would prove a credit—to anyone who would trust him. Wis t something would turn up, in the mining way, or other- wise, which would enable me to op te fingers at my creditors, “Wish I could afford to take the children to the Pantomime, and give pret the treat of an oyster-supper after it. tid : that somebody would die, and leave me something worth ving for. Wish I had the chance of getting something under Government. Wish profoundly I may get it. Another Bogey! “In the impending revision of the import-scale, our own interests must be our only guide.’’—Prince Bismarck. Presrigz, that re-vamped Bogey, so admired, Calls u ion, for companion spectre ; Biase folly with wild hope is fired, _ Now Bismakcx is Protection's sworn protector. Since Interests become our only guide, Bland Selfishness, to fools, displays fresh beauties, Their faith in Duty having laid aside, They mean henceforth to put their trust in Duties.

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JANUARY = > =z Z Z THE OR PUNCH, IMPOSTURE. Skeron or A CERTAIN BoLp Mayor, Just HOME FROM InpIA on Sick LEAVE. TAKrNG (AS HE DECLARYS) HIS Finst Lesson IN THE ART oF SKATING, A VENIAL (We ReECoLLEcT THe B.M. IN DAYS Gone BY. He was THE CHAMPION OF AT Leavr THREF pIvreReNT SKATING CLUURs.)

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Jaxvary 11, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

BETWEEN THE YEARS. (rs ees oS Oe OEE Oe THE ART OF YP 4tERYU, Civuns.) THReEF pivreReNtT SKATING % = z ¢ : — ca cA = = z = = a. E a < 2 E. TAKING (AS HE DRC CHAMPION OF AT LRAT Sxercn or A CERTAIN Bop Mayor, Just HOME FROM INDIA ON Sick Leav

Tre’s river flows without a break or bridge, The moments run to days, the days to years: Strange how we pause on the dividing ridge, Which ’twixt Old Year and New our fancy rears! There, with divided mind, see England stand, Between the chill of fear, the flush of hope, ing the cloud that lies about the ot For any rift that way to light may ope. With backward survey o’er the dark ‘‘ has been,” With forward gaze into the dark “‘ to be: ” Summing the good and ill that we have seen, As if ’s purposes stood plain to see— As if *twere man’s to reach Heaven's far-off ends ; To reckon up Time’s harvest in the seed ; To write off gains of good and ill’s amends— The balance of their books as traders read. As thick a fold between us and the past, As e’er between us and the future, lies’:

= - — “ / th +s 4% 4 Wy MMi 7; LLM, = Tp Ll 4, / WLLL AM A A , Uf The ills we grieve for may work good at last : Out of our seeming good what ills may rise! Only one thing we know, that over all A wise and loving Power holds sovereign sway : This knowing, let us stand between the years, Bent but to do the duty of the day ; Speaking the truth and helting to the right, As we the truth can reach, the right can read: Tr notion the hand that steers, through dark and light, By His lode-star, not ours, to ends decreed. Between our larger and our lesser worlds, Of self, home, city, state or continent, There is no variance of far or near, Of great or small, in that Guide's measurement, Twixt strokes of pe that hit or miss, And sleights of skill that make or mar a”cause. Then, grateful, take his gifts, his strokes, submiss, And look to Man for rule, to Heaven for Laws.

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THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 11, 1879. UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. (Practical and Post-Classic Period.) OxProrD. ——— HE Mechi Professor of —— Steam-ploughing will com- mence his mid-winter course of lectures as usual on Port Meadow on the first day of the coming term. embers of the University wishing to attend are requested to eall, with their machines, gearings, stokers, coke, and farmers’ certificates, on the Professor at Christ Church, not later than Wednesday next. The subjects selected for the examination in the final school (Litere Domestice), ; eee rr Catalogues of t iwi Service Co-operative So- > ciety (Limited), Lloyd's * List, 1848—78, the British pm Guide, Bradshaw one or more standard works on P , Drainage, the Cheese e, Coat Building, or Glazier’s Bill, and Ironmongery, at the option of the ‘andidate. CAMBRIDGE. The subject for the Yorke Prize is ‘‘ The Rise and Fall of Hair- cutting as a Fine Art.” Candidates, who must be members of the University, and have taken the degree of ‘‘ Bachelor of Dancing,” will be expected to send, together with their composition, two or more life-sized barber’s busts in a sealed packet marked with a trade motto, by which names may be subsequently recognised. The Regius Professor berdashery will continue his course of lec- tures on the “Striped Stockings of Western Europe,” immediately after the commencement of the approaching Term. At a on tion held yesterday, the ad eundem degree of D.B.P.M, r of Prime Butcher's Meat) was conferred on Mr. Wriadam Sitversrpe, of Smithfield University. The Examination for the Tiger Hunting Tripos will commence on the First of April next. OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. (He visits the Alhambra to see “‘ La Poule @ufs 7 Or,” and Covent Garden for *‘ Jack and the Beanstalk.’’) SIR, LA Poule aux Gufs ¢ Or—why not an English title ?— | belongs to the class of piece which, in my humble opinion, ought, | not only at Christmas time, but throughout the year, to find its home | at the Alhambra. This sort of Show is suited to this place, pas autres Shows. It is this kind of fairy spectacular entertainment which should be the Alhambra’s spécialté, and if only sufficient care and consideration are given to the details of the production, if ample time be allowed in every department, if the preparations are made well ahead, then, with the varied resources at their command, the Directors of the Alhambra Company, without having recourse to Paris for a ready-made piece, having, like Immortals, commanded success, would shower down on their devout worshippers, the Shareholders, the great and unspeakable benefits of twenty-five per cent. profit, half-yearly, while the name of the Alhambra itself would be to the amusement-seeking public a synonym for all that is artistic in design, sumptuous in accessories, brilliant in effect, harmonious in combination, melodious in musical utterance, and entertaining in performance—an extra a unique and original. The present piece has not, of course, all these qualifications, but it is a consider- able step—not a stride (the. Stride is at the Box-Office, Drury Lane— quite another affair)—by the Di in the right direction. La Poule aux Gufs d’ Or lasts from about 7.45 to 11.30, and it never once ‘flags, although one Ballet Scene, ‘The Union of the Nations,” is a case of “flags” from beginning to end, the stage being crowded with the banners, the stan -bearers, and the attendants, in costumes of all the og nationalities. But, experienced and invaluable M. Jacon1, the music for the “* Sailors’ Hornpipe,” which everybody in the house can hum or whistle, and to which everybody in the house feels, individually, inclined to get up and dance. The good old-fashioned hornpipe, thoroughly well danced—for the English public is most exacting on this point, as every one in the audience flatters himself that, however ignorant he may be on other matters, he does at least know something about a hornpipe—I say, the old national hornpipe, per- fectly executed by girls in sailors’ dresses, is just the one ng of which an encore may be safely predicted. But dance your ol hornpipe never so well to a new tune and its success is a risk, because the public is puzzled. No, M. Jaconr, you are, for once, in error,—on ne badine pas avec le Hornpipe. For combination of colour, for grouping, and for the figures of the ballet, there is not a more effective show in London than the Union of the Nations, and the Bird-Ballet in the Second Act of La Poule auz (Eufs d Or. : It is a pity the libretto should have been printed before the “‘euts” were made. The Book at sixpence gives you not only plenty for your money, but a great deal too much, and occasionall something too little, as, for instance, in the omission of the Frenc song and duet, and the capital medley sung by Miss Losey and Mr. Rienton, which was three times encored, and would have been encored three times more if the Music-Hall airs, of which it is most cleverly composed, had been brought down to the very latest vogue. This duet is a fair example, of the style of comic music exactl suited to the Alhambra audience. Other .—— may be selected, such as the duet’in French, between Mile. Rrvrere, who admirably executes a Jodel after the Café Chantant receipt, and M. Brver, and also Urbain’s song, ‘‘’ Tis not in Wealth,” a very taking air, composed by M. Jacon1, and well sung by Mr. Kniont Aston. Miss SotDENE is the dashing Princess Fanfreluche, but in this iece she has not the chances which Genevieve de Brabant afforded er. Miss Losgsy sings charmingly. So perfect is her “trill” that I’m afraid Mrs. Greiove will swoop down on the Alhambra one of these days, and claim her as a thorough “shaker.” ‘She shakes—like a jelly,” observed a bon-vivant among the audience, rather at a loss for an appropriate musical comparison. e magical and amusing changes of scene, from a grotto to a boudoir, from boudoir to a garden, from back again to bou- doir, are excellently managed ; while the arbour that gradually rises until it becomes a sort of tower of three storeys, with a iover in each compartment anxi waiting for the Princess, who ascends from the pone floor to the attie, receiving the attentions, en passant, of all three, is a imen of such practical fun as is thoroughly to the taste of the audience. All the transformation tricks are good and as, in their opening Scenes, the Pantomimes of Lane and Covent Garden seem to have discarded these mechanical devices— without which a pantomime loses half its charm--it is quite a treat to meet with them in full force in La Poule aux Giufs d’ Or. The marvellous Grrarps ought to have been made part and parcel of the diablerie business of the last Act, instead of having an inter- — scene all to themselves, which begins to weary the spectator y reason of its utter want of point and the absence of all connection with the story. The Grrarps are as amusing asa set of children who get up an impromptu pantomime in the back drawing-room. Ars est celare artem is pertectly true of them, as all their actions appear to be inspired by some absurdly mischievous inspiration of e moment. is seems to me to be the distinguishing charac- teristic of the entertainment. They are naughty, cruel, malicious, tricksy sprites let loose for a frolic, and their ‘‘ humours” would have y=! suited the Grand Scene of Act ILI., representing the Realms o uto. On the whole, the Alhambra has now got an entertainment, which, in many respects, can scarcely be equalled, and certainly not sur- passed, by anything of the kind this Christmas time. Messrs. GaTrr are now the managers of Covent Garden. Good. Should any one be oy ame at this announcement he can adapt for the occasion the well-known tragic question of Mrs. Sippons,—who, when informed of the death of a certain French Minister “in his bureau,” exclaimed, ‘‘ In his bureau! how gat he there ?”—and ask ‘In Covent Garden! How! Garr there!” and the person who +e this once will have performed more than his duty at a seasonable estivity. Certainly in giving Mr. ALrrep Tompson carte blanche to design the costumes for King Pepin’s Court in the Pantomime of Jack and the Bean Stalk, the management has done well and wisely. For num- bers, for variety of designs, and for brilliancy of effect, the like of this scene has rarely been seen on the Covent Garden the review in Blue Beard, and the Amazonian troop in Bijou, when Miss Herzen Barry cut. so disti a But having got together all this unexampled sp ur scarcely any- thing is made of it. There is a glittering crowd, but that is As much may be said of the Pantomime. It is funny, as far as it charming effect that goes, with its big heads and fairy opening far enough, except in the case ic vocalists from , except ‘abil and clock, by the way), but it doesn’t go hornpipe should invariably be our well-known old friend the}of Messrs. MacDermorr and CamMpBELL—two comic

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| January 11, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 5 the Music Halls, where they are the right men in the right places— who in a certain topical song most decidedly go too far for ears polite, forgetting that at Christmas time their audience consists chiefly of chi slang phrases. Their songs might be less numerous and more humorous, and the sooner the Messrs. Gatti insist on that couplet about SHEER ALI being cut out altogether, the better for the Panto- mime, whose success, after all, must be in Mr, Aur THompson’s Great Show at King Pepin’s Court, and also, for a wonder, in the Harlequinade, where the comic scenes, arranged by Mr. Harr Payne—son of the inimitable Pantomimist lately, alas! d are worthy of being styled comie. In fact the real fun of the Panto- mime not commence until Mr. H. Payne appears as Clown, and I should imagine that he is now the best Clown on the stage. Under his sw ision the days of Pantomime ht return. If Mr, Paxywe, during the present year, will but study ‘‘ the humours” ori yas would astonish the ol la goers, delight the youngest, and be a subject of congratulation from ran fis very Your REPRESENTATIVE. LTIES. ll. am. From Editor to Con- tributor (per wire). PLEASE write seasonable ar- ticle. You know the sort of thing —holly, snow, mistletoe. Contributor to Editor. Allright. The article is in hand. Coming out well, I think. 12 Noon, Editor to Contributor. Very = sorry. But there is a thaw. Change tone to suit weather. Contributor to Editor. Allright. Will fit in beautifully. Just what I like. SEASONING UNDER DIFFICU 1 p.m. Editor to Contributor. Much distressed. Another Can. November fog. Must keep the article up to date. Thaw your frost, and melt your snow. Contributor to Editor. All right. Altered to order. Thaw works in well. But how about working in fog without damping climax ? Will this Do? (By Book Post.) Christmas! Yule-tide extending well into the New Year! What memories rise before us! Father Christmas—the dear old snowy- bearded man, with his evergreen seeptre, redolent of the green buds of the coming spring, and wrapped in his mantle of Scotch mist.—Father Christmas lingers with us for many a week after the children have returned to school. Cheery, beery, sneezy, snowy, blowy old Father Christmas! In this gladsome, merrie England of ours he loves to hold his Court, He may pay a flying visit to Germany or Canada, but England is the land of his adoption. His children are worthy of their father. Let us watch them as they _ his memory green. e snow is falling so thickly that the little village spire is scarcely seen, even though a sun like that of summer may be pour- ing its rays upon the weather-cock behind the snow veil. Merrily sing the birds, rejpicing in the crisp morning air, on one side of a the bleating of the sheep, who are calling to the ditch, ey ee of shepherd from out of the dense fog which has invaded the field on ys yo | on the pond, whilst the other. Here are happy school- their seniors linger in the shade! All should be called home by their respective grand- ts, for the ice is thin, and vows made in the gloaming are easily broken. But no, the young people are safe interference! Grandpapa is no match for a Beotch mist, and is kept at home by the fog. Oh, Christmas, Christ- dren, as ignorant of “‘ political and social hits,” as of | th of the streets, of the Law Co Railway Stations, Markets, City &e., &e., the result w be cite business so-entirely “new and | & P mas of ice and snow, season of mists and mellow Srulttalnese—-sapee and o , nuts and bills of the play! How we all love thee! How we drink thy health, in the shadow of thy tree, as the wheels of e weather revolve, in bumpers of steaming punch, and tankards of cooling cup ! } | ay reserved climax till I know how weather stands last thing before going to press.) ease—the jolliest of ? Loopy it from a rsuade the all the late cases—of benevolen: little mersmith has, during the recent severe weather, left open the door of he Governor to leave open the door of his greenhouse iat 7, ees SYMPATHY WITH SMALL BIRDS. Mr. Punca, Pease, Sir, don’t you call this a jolly ce to letter in the Zimes, signed * E, C, T. ‘The bad weather may return, and hints are valuable, A Lady in Ham~ d ight tw birds—thrush: d blackbirds—ha come in an soosted te thats insite.” rye “4 I only wish during the next cold weather I could in to roost—and be roasted, or made a and-twenty thrushes and blackbirds in the cold, i sw she did it to no bt her idea of a Boy's Own Book, or an admiring youthful reader, P.S. How pleasi e thrushes and blackbirds ; but if so, beats ev ing of that kind in the else withi e knowledge of your Grusert Wuirr, Jun. to see the cock-sparrows collected in the elder- bush, outside the -door, waiting till breakfast is over, and CHARLOTTE takes out the table-cloth, and shakes down the crumbs, gates 5 tend my eotepelt, ond gat ready to have a shy at them b the time she comes back, and they pitching in. are all comfortably a 4 A USEFUL INFORMATION. For those who give quiet little dinners, the following rule of pre- cedence, from the ‘‘ Answers”’ in the Queen, will be found eminently useful ‘* PRECEDENCE.—The host must take the Marchioness; the Bishop the Ear|’s daughter; the Earl’s younger son, the Dean's wife (daughter of Vis- count) ; the Privy Councillor, the General's wife (daughter of Baron); the K.C.B., the wife of K.C.M.G.; the K.C.M.G., the Baronet’s daughter; the Dean, the Bishop’s wife; the General, the Privy Councillor's wife; the Marquis, the hostess. There seems no lady provided for the Colonel ; if there is a daughter of the house, he would take her.—Youne Marxon,”’ All young Matrons should study this. Any one of them may find herself in just such a trying position. It makes one shudder to think what the consequences would be if the Colonel took down the Marchioness, the Marquis the Privy Councillor's wife, the General the Earl’s daughter ; and if by any dire mischance the Dean’s wife (daughter to a Viscount) and the General’s wife (daughter to a Baron) fell to the K.C.B. and the K.C.G.M.! Or if it was the Bishop instead of the gallant Colonel that was left single-handed to bring up the rear. This is really quite too awful to contemplate ; yet if the young Matron lost her head, in such trying circumstances, it might so happen. Pity a Poor Roof. (A Ory From 8t, Alban’s.) Her me! some are hot to stone me. Others with a view to ‘‘ tone” me— Want to lead or copper-plate me ; Denees st lent cone We ig ate 8. load s’t *twixt stone, slate, copper, _ That I should still be ‘off my head ? THE FORCE OF A GREAT EXAMPLE. Amone the notices given in the House of Commons the first night of the Session, was one ‘‘ To introduce a Bill for the improvement of Spirits in bond.” Does this point to further “ rectification ”’ ? One or THe Errecrs or ovr Ixpran Poxicr.—To convert Sheer Alis into sheer enemies, Proper Decoration ror A “‘ BLockep ” Law Covrt.—Bar-relief.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jancary 11, 1879. PARADOXICAL. Ethel. “IT WAS A MOST WONDERFUL PERFORMANCE, AUNT TABITHA! FIRST, SHE WAS SHOT OUT OF A CANNON’s Mourn ON TO A TRAPRZE FIFTEEN YARDS ABOVE THE ORCHESTRA, AND THEN SHE SWUNG HERSELF UP TILL SHE STOOD ON A Rope ON ONE LEG AT LEAST A HUNDRED AND TWENTY FEET ABovE ovR HEaps!”’ Aunt | Tabitha. “An! I ALWAYS THINK A WoMAN LOWERS HERSELF WHEN SHE DOES THAT!” NEW YEAR’S GIFTS. | Benjamin (hugging his casket). Call that a New Year’s Gift? look at mine ! | William (feeling the edge of his axe). Oh, you were always caught by show and shine. The simple and substantial suit my taste. Benjamin. You’ve no imagination ! William. Yours you waste On flashing, fleeting figments. Benjamin. Don’t be tart ; But own that this most gorgeous Work of Art Evokes your envy. You are vastly clever ; But you'll admit that Eldorado never Stirred at your voice, or offered at your shrine. vain, T ~~ from Midas is no wish of mine. I only filled the Empire’s money- -bags. You =a them, and so the “ glittering crags And golden rivers” greet you—’tis most fit. | Benjamin. Such sorry iron you take for wit, And o- ou’re slitient when you ’re only bitter. William, In gibes that leam and epigrams that glitter, I humbly own I’m not a match for you. My axe is no stiletto. Benjamin. Roderick Dhu Trusted to ponderous strength ’ oo supple skill : You recollect the issue, my dear WiLL? William. —— But good sword-play ’s not ai/ trick, and then You’re scarcely a Fitz-James, my dodgy Ben. Bonjonty. My dodges, though, have brought you many a cropper. ll back my sleight against your silver chopper, Gift of a small scratch Caucus, whom ito know Argues oneself unknown. It is no go! Just You’re too parochial. Greatness is a scorner Of the foregatherings of Hole-cum-Corner. But Pope ou not sone » ay ears to shut E’en to the ped ling raise of Lilliput ? Wi ie, Its small revilings I can scorn, - do, Even when eat by a wit like Benjamin. But do look at this casket, an ‘odmait The People’s WiILLIAM might be proud of it. William. Perhaps; did conscience tell him that the cause In which ’twas earned was worthy of applause. Rugenty. Oh, when you come to conscience, that, of course, 8 your monopoly. With deep remorse I own I’m the Black ey which — paint, And you are a serene and snowy Only you see the Saint is scarce the a The wicked world, of course, prefers the Sinner: Conscience is not much liked when it turns sour. (WritraM is about to expostulate.) Shut up !—and if you please—my worthy WILL, Don’t perorate. An antibilious pill Would do you heaps of good. Jaundice, I’m sure, Distracts you, and demands a ¢ cure. Try exercise, and your new axe. You’re good, They say, at cutting down. I own my mood s more to setting up. I hold that he William (grimly). Does better who brings down a rotten tree, agon. Than he who rears a Benjamin. Chop away! Your axe bodes no one harm—or, so you say; At least I’m certain that it won’t hurt me. Ah, WritrAm, don’t you wish I were a tree ? Ha! Ha! Ta! Ta! (aside.) Grim, acid egotist ! William, Farewell! eee. A very om, eel, all sli slime and twist ! Ezeunt severally, hugging their respective gifts.

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ideal i nthe 1d a== aad eee “ AH !—BUT LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL‘ SILVER AXE!” “LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL GOLD CASKET!” ] Bt aps Ay Ly =z “a RU OY VIN lee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvany 11, 1879. Master Bensamrn. Master GLADSTONE. - ee ptr + / MNTE MLE 7) amo SISSIES Sa ean GL. J hae DIDI LIS at Hh ptt btptipiee SILT / y, / /

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January 11, 1879.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 9 SPORTING FIXTURES. (The Present Variable Weather Permitting.) Mowpay.—An Ice Regatta at Hen- ey., Sledge races on the es, to be followed by, a skaters’ steeple- chace: course, from Maidenhead to Monkey Island. At sunset, a snow- ball by electric light. Mr. Jack Frost will officiate as Master of the Cere- monies. : Twesday,—North Polo Match upon the lake at Welsh Harp, which, it is confidently Prected, will play on the occasion. Sides, United Arc- tics ». Baltic Bluenoses. Wednesday.— Meeting of the Drags of the Humane Society, in conse-| g, quence of the sudden thaw in all the parks, and rapid liquefaction of the ornamental waters. Thursday. — Grand Cricket Match at Lord’s. Oxford and Cambridge Colts against Ojibbeways and Esquimaux. ate- mo’ to be given to the Umpire’s Emigration Fund, | j¢ for supplying English um- vires throughout the States and Colonies. Friday.—Butterfly Shooting at the Gun Club, and a Grasshopper Hunt at Hornsey. In the evening, Cockney Swimming Contest for the Championship of the Serpentine ; to be decided in three heats, provided that the temperature be not below freezing-point. Saturday. — Ladies followed by a pic-nice on the Common, and a/ fresco Fancy Ball, with comic songs, charades, and archery by moonlight. HAMLET AT THE LYCEUM. Ir is pleasant to see any one who has laboured earnestly honestly, and in a difficult and honourable career, attain the end for which he has worked. None of Mr. Irvrxe’s publie could have sympathised more sincerely than Mr. Punch with Mr. Irvine, when, standing before a crowded house, thrilling with enthusiasm, and tumultuous with applause, after more than four hours’ close attention to the play that, above all other plays, taxes the mind, he told them, that this was what he had been working for all his life —not meaning the applause, of course, but the opportunity, of pro- ducing Hamlet in a theatre under his own whole and sole manage- ment. It is a worthy ambition for an intellectual Actor, which Mr. Irvine is; and for a Manager bent on turning his opportunities to the best account, which Mr. Invrye now proclaims himself to be. Happy man! He has the opportunity, as well as the will. How ready his public is to give him credit not merely for good, but the best, intentions, was very apparent among the audience of that opening night,—one of the heartiest, most responsive, and readiest to take the will for the deed, that Punch ever had the pleasure of figuring among. At the same time, it is neither true, nor fair, in the critics to say, that, such a presentation of Hamlet has not been seen in our time. ‘‘ Our time” is an elastie phrase. In Punch’s time, there have been at least three productions of the play—by MACREADY, at Lane and Covent Garden, by Car es Kean, at the Princess’s, and by Puetrs at Sadler's Wells—not less complete, tasteful, and careful, in scenery, stage-management, and appoint- ments; and as regards the cast, apart from the Hamlet and the Opheha—a point, after all, at least as important as scenery, machinery, dresses, and decorations—infinitely better. It is not fair to forget this so soon. There ought to be hope that a Manager’s memory may outlive his life forty years. It is not so long as that since the earliest of these three managements ; and yet Punch seems to be the solitary critic who has ventured to give one more new rendering of Horace’s pregnant line — “‘ Vizere yn ante Agamemnona ” —. “ There have m Managers before RVING. Mr. Irvine has given good earnest of his good intentions by taking Mr. MarsHaLt into council about the text and scenic arrangement of his Hamlet. a, mounting of the play at the Lyceum leaves little or nothing to d ie giving the Ghost the full range of the platform of Elsinore for his martial stalk, in the opening Scene, is a con- spicuous improvement, though not a new one. But Punch is not yet satisfied that the Ghost has any business out of the Castle. Lawn-tennis Match at Wimbledon: to he | 94 It is no sufficient reason for showing the apparition in the third scene on the “‘ dreadful summit of the cliff,” that Horatio thinks he may tempt Hamlet thither. Ghosts are strictly local institutions. They always haunt particular places; and the Castle of Elsinore is the walk of his late pants of Denmark, when he “ revisits the glimpses of the moon.” But the change gives us an impressive and effective stage-picture, and is an immense improvement on the close glen shut in by mountains which it replaces at the Lyceum. Punch must still protest in as unqualified terms as ever against the absence of visible pictures in the Closet Scene. ‘‘ Counterfeit presentment” can by no fair stress of words be made to mean the r of his father and of his uncle which Hamlet carries in his mind's eye. The omen is shorn of its best pith and point and effect on the audience when visible pictures are dispensed with. The only recommendation of this novelty, as far as Punch can make out, is its Sager. What does Mr. Maxsnarr say to it? Another reading of Mr. Invine’s, which seems to Punch equally irreconcile- able with the text, is Hamlet's sinking down when the Ghost dis- ppears, thus his “‘ sinews grow instant old,”-at the very moment when he s upon them not to do so, but “to bear him stiffly up. Nor ean the transfer of the fencing-scene to an aoe gallery lookin on the Palace orchard be reconciled (as Mr. Moy Tuomas has nares | out), with Hamlet’s cry—‘‘ Ho! let the door be locked.”” Though, here again, “> get LD xpd stage-picture, which may well excuse the dis- of Ha és words. e discovery of the Graxptiggers at their work instead of letting them walk on, is decidedly a change for the better, even Mr. Invine and Mr. Marsnart have not been the first to ‘amlet, Ophelia, and the Ghost, the Lyceum Gravedigger’s is the best acted inthepiece. Mr. 8. Jounson, whose ved without any of the conventional false which have crusted over this, like most SHAksP ’s plays whose good or bad luck . ds of leading actors. He spoke and diseretion, and went about his business ven’’ sravedigger losing none of the points, but eaving a persest conception, presented in the best words, to work i x man did not, in this case, jar with his part; as did, with but few exceptions, all the actors of the secondary parts in the Lyceum cast. In plain English, the play was not well cast—and that not measuring excellence by any ideal standard; not by any means as well cast as it might have been with a more judicious choice of available actors; at least if no better were to be had, Mr. Invine must have been exceptionally unfortunate. Mr. Mean’s Ghost is unexceptionable. It would not be easy to find on the stage a better Queen than Miss Pauncerort. Mr. CHIPPENDALE in Polonius, so far as his failing strength allowed him to carry out his conception, was grave and dig- nified as a high Court officer should be, even supposing him to be a ‘* tedious old fool.” The Osric had the youth, good looks, and self- satisfied air that are wanted for the part, but either lacked the art to give them their full effect, or perhaps Mr. Invine fails to appre- ciate, or does not care to develope, the significance of the scene in which he appears. ** The rest is silence.” There is —e pood to be said of the other actors of the secon parts, and it would be superfluous to say harsh things of them. It was not that they did not do their best, but their best was out of tune with the noble music of SHAKSPEARE. The Hamlet and Ophelia are the two — of the play. Of the strength and weakness of Mr. Invine’s Hamlet it is unnecessary to repeat in detail what Punch has said before. The sum of his praise is, that from first to last, the actor is in his part, that his reading of Hamlet's character, moods, and mental states, is consistent with itself, intelligent, and intelligible—a presentment of the part which all thoughtful students of the play may follow with interest and profit, if not always with acquiescence. In its essentials Punch believes Mr. Invina’s performance to be based upon, and true to, the great lines of the Poet’s thought. He shows us a mind ticklishly poised on the line between great wit and madness—and so naturally assuming the mask of madness, from under which to shoot his wild and whirling words, the better to ey purpose which he has not strength of will to carry, eliberately, to its issue. Any great shock can send this unstably- poised mind over the bo between sanity and insanity. Some t shocks—as the revelations of the Ghost, the rooting up of his ove, and the sudden tidings of Ophelia’s death—are suflicient to rouse him to eo The Prince’s weakness of will is due partly to the excessive development in him of the reflective element over the active, which makes him so y a soliloquiser; so ready to go off into disquisition on the slightest provocation at the most eritical moment ; glad to talk to anybody who will talk to him, and able to tind in everything a text for speculation, and a peg on which to hang disquisition and generalisation. forcing;

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jaxvary 11, 1879. i = TH Wt ue AM sm. “THE PROUD (POLICE-)MAN’S CONTUMELY.” Constable (to Old Wiggins, who has come down on a piece of Orange- -peel and a Slide). YOU JOLLY WELL kiIGHT !—I¥F I CATCHES you A SLIDIN’ All this Mr. pana shows us in his Hamlet, but—to borrow Hamlet's own words to the Players—a rather cruel but just Nemesis—in such a fashion, ‘‘ that you would think some of Nature’s ourneymen had made a man, and not made him well—he imitates cone so abominably. It would, in short, be difficult to find a better Hamlet, in con- ception, or a worse, in execution, so far as that depe nds — and | how far does it: not depend?—on elocution or action. Surely | these glaring faults of elocution and action cannot be beyond cure in a man evidently so earnest and so intelligent as Mr. Invine. If one thought them so, it would be as cruel as useless to dwell upon them. But it cannot be necessary that a man should go on with this heartless vivisection of lines and sentences, cutting off verbs from their nouns, substantives from their adjectives, an- tecedents from their relatives, and prepositions from the words | they govern; that he should make ‘‘ God” rhyme to “ mad,” or “* ghost” to + lost, ” with a host of other tricks of pronuncia-| tion just as outrageous. If these things can be cured, they ought | not to be endu and that they can be cured Punch does most | potently believe. Iti is with tricks of movement as of speech. Are | there not drill-sergeants and dancing -masters for the one, as well as | professors of phonetics for the other ? There is so much thought and meaning, such sincerity of self- abandonment to the passions of his parts, and such evident high aims in Mr. Invise—which are the matter and marrow of the Actor’s business-—that it is intolerable to find the words through which this must be conveyed set to such marred music of utterance and move- ment—which are but the manner and mask of it, but a manner that cannot be dispensed with, and a mask that cannot be laid aside. It is quite excusable in & young enthusiasts who are indebted to Mr. Irvine for a keener and deeper insight into certain great parts and a fuller realisation of some great creations than the stage of their time has afforded to overlook, and even to admire and imitate his tricks and eccent-icities, awkwardnesses and mannerisms. One sees and hears young actors by the dozen doing so. This is one bad effect of these trloks, besides their greater mischief of making intellectual stage-work—so rare in England—unpalat- ‘* THERE NOW, I ‘OPES YOU'RE SATISFIED !—SERVES ON THE PAVEMENT AGAIN, Iu RUN You iIn—Sa#arp!” a by faults which are oie of correction, if the Actor were made sensible of them. Actors should be models in these points. In speaking of the 4 ~ of this memorable night, there needs no such qualification. In ELLen Terry’s hands the execution of the pert—but for the fri ight that on the first night almost strangled her |singing in both mad scenes, and weakened the whole effect of the second—was as consummate, as its conception was subtle and complete. It was an ideally beautiful presentment, jarring in no point of look, movement, or speech with the image called up by SHAKSPEARE’S exquisite creation. A propos of this very performance, Punch lately read the ver pient criticism, that ‘ Ophelia i _ a part into which it is impossi let to put much fresh significance.” ag gt admires this wise saw, when he thinks of the entirely fresh significance ps by Eien Terry into the great scene of the Third Act, in which Hamlet does | his best to wrench the love of her out of his heart, and breaks ‘hers in the effort ;—when he retraces the delicate shades by which this admirable actress distinguished the pangs of despised love |from the worse pangs which follow the discovery that the noble |mind she has so worshipped is overthrown—a misery summed u in the exquisite closing lines of the scene, which are the epitaph, not of her lost love, but of Hamlet's shattered reason. | If anything more intellectually-conceived or more exquisitely | wrought out has been seen on the English stage in this generation, it has not been within Punch’s mem When Miss Terry conquers her inf t enough to be mistress of her voice and herself, her mad scenes no doubt, be as if not as passionately, beautiful as her scene of heart-br- if, on the first night, her ‘‘sweet bells were jangled a of tom, they were never harsh, and their muffled music but gave, perhaps, the - . appropriate voice to her piteous sorrow, more piteous mirt! Mr. Invine’s Hamlet, =e i beauties and its blemishes, its pus merits of conception, an vous sins of execution, we already. ELLen Tenees 8 Op ela we did not know. That is the revelation for which we have to thank the new management of the Lyceum.

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January 11, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Ue, Vay ef Safe S =- ag . ~*~ VAN, bx. bE WL THE ELECTRIC LIGHT—PRO AND CON. BRiLuiANT IMPROVEMENT, OF COURSE ; BUT, IF YOU TURN Nicut into Day, HOWEVER WILL THE POOR Binds KNOW WHEN TO co To “* Brz-ByE”’ ? ee eee Strange Signs of the |Times. Worse than Worsted. Wuar are we coming to, Mr. Punch? The question which con-|. AS investments, except for the lower extremities, old stockings troversialists in the Zimes are now raising, | understand to be | have, until lately, been discarded, even by grandmothers, for new | whether the lan, to be excluded from University Education at | Stocks. But recent calamities may have suggested a partial return Oxford or Cambrid shall be Latin or Greek? Are we all going | to the anile system of banking. Yet in the case of Stockings as well mad, Sir ? A Bewrperep Country Gewtuzmax, | 9% Stocks, it is quite possible to put both your money and your foot . ae Any Coox To any Poticeman.— Robert, toi que j’ aime.” | Mepicat EqurvaLEents.— Bon vivant—bad Liver.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [January 11, 1879. FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. Being a Brief Record of a few Winter-seasonable Visits to certain Country Houses. Vistt THe First.—CuHarrer IX. ONTINUATION of Legend —To our roomsé— Haunted Chamber — The first surprise — A diffi- culty. ss Bor,” says Joss- Lyn Dyker, contin the story o the Earl, the Coun- tess, and = the Lover B as we stand before the weird old clock on the landing, “but they are often seen in the house, on the stairs, in the rooms, in the passages, the three Earls, the Countess and her Lover, and that ’s my difficulty in getting any servants to stop. They say they won’t stay in the same house with Ghosts.” I pretend to smile at this unwillingness on their part, as a vulgar prejudice arising from want of education. Still it ss a dilemma for a master, when his servants come to him and say, ‘‘ Well, Sir, either the Ghosts or ourselves must go. Which is it to be? If the Ghosts stay, we give notice.” It is a difficulty. Josstyn shakes his head and simply quotes, ‘‘ ‘There are more things in heaveh and earth, Horatio,’ | am Horarro in this in- stance, ‘ than are dreamt of in your philosophy.’’’ I admit the pro- bability implied in this sentiment, and he continues, “* How ean you explain the stoppage of this clock at this particular hour? the im- possibility of on it? the connection of this time with the dreadful events I’ve just told you? And, mind, these apparitions are only seen at intervals of eight days, and then invariably at three separate times, eight hours apart, within the twenty-four hours, commencing at 8°25 in the morning, then at 4°25 in the afternoon, then at 12°25 at midnight, and lastly at 8°25 a.m., when their visits cease for another eight days.” Iam just about to ask, ‘‘ Have you seen them lately ?’’ when it occurs to me that this is the title of some music-hall comic song, most inappropriate tothe occasion, and quite opposed to my present state of mind, which is, to say the least of it, reverentially respectful towards all Ghostsin general, and the Ghosts at The Mote, Moss End, in particular. **T don’t talk about these things to everybody,” observes Jossiyn, making a move, whereat his familiars look curiously at him, with their heads on one side, as much as to say, ‘ Well, what are you going to do now ?’ ‘*No, it wouldn’t do to tell everybody,” I return, taking his remark as highly flattering to myself. ‘** But,” he says, pausing, after taking half a dozen steps down the passage. ‘‘ But, it 7s curious that this should be the eighth of the | month, and,” he adds, taking out his watch, ‘‘I very rarely sit up | as late as this talking, least of all on such a subject.” | “Tate!” Lexelaim, “* surely it’s not past twelve.” ‘‘ The time by | me,” he replies most impressively, “is exactly twenty-five minutes | past twelve.” | Irefertomy own watch. Yes, that is the time. At least, by me, | it is exactly thirty-five minutes past, but then I always keep my watch ten minutes fast. Iam staggered. I find myself murmuring, “So it is,” and I am | conscious of the mechanism at work again in my head on the two muffled words ‘‘ Very strange—Very strange—Very strange!” JossLyYN is uaiting me at the end of the passage. Until I, as | it were, woke up and saw him I was unconscious of standing still. To say ‘Go on! I follow,” oceurs to me; but, like Macheth’s answer, it stieks in my throat, for I remember they are Hamlet's request to the Ghost. Very strange—Very strange—Very strange ! ‘** Here’s your room,” says Josstyn, throwing open the door. tT To ConassronpEents.— The Bditor does not hold hi-nself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for stamped and directed envelope. opie should be kept. I had hoped he was coming in to yy me company. No; he only nods at me, and says ‘‘ Good night.” can’t exercise hospitality to my own host, and invite him to “‘ step in and sit down.” I watch his retreating figure, accompanied by his familiars. Snap slouching along as if he ’d met a Ghost who kicked him severely and Fiend with pointed head turning this way and that, and pointed ears pricked up in a nervous state, as if ready to jump out of a Ghost’s way at the slightest and shortest notice. : JossiyN stops to look round, and say in a low whisper, “‘Goot will call you in plenty of time. We breakfast at eight twenty-five punctually. Good night.” Then he once more turns on his heel, and presently disappears round a corner, then the light gradually dies away. e e is in darkness. I shut the door of my room, and—I haven’t done such a thing for years—examine the lock. Then I say to myself, ‘‘ Pooh! what nonsense !”’ Thank goodness, a cheerful fire. I deposit my candle on the dressing-table. I light the other two. I should like to light fifty, and have them all about the room, which, on the other side, away from the light of fire and candles, is in deepest shadow, though not in utter darkness. I won’t stop to think. I don’t like to brush my hair before the glass, lest I should see a face peering over my shoulder. Nerves. — I’li get into bed rapidly ; and I won’t look at the grim old picture, three-quarter length, which may be that of the wicked Earl of two hundred years ago. I come to the conclusion that I won't cross the room to put my boots outside. No; Goon will take in the morning. I wonder if the wicked Earl put Ais boots outside, on the night when —hang the wicked Earl! Now for the candles—stay—is the fire blazing—yes—plenty of cheery firelight—so one, two, three! out go the candles! And now, with one jump— No—something moving between my legs and the bed-post— between me and the post— Something which leaps on to the bed before I can got there. I eri ens and very nearly fall backwards into the fire-place. What the... .! The Black Cat, on my bed, walking up and down like a perturbed ' spirit on the counterpane, rubbing itself against the post, then taking another turn, then looking at me... .andIat her. A pleasant beginning of the night’s rest. Myself and Black Cat vis @ vis, the eat having far and away the best of it, having its warm fur coat on, and being on my bed, while I have anything but a warm fur coat on, and not even my slippers, and I’m out of bed. I don’t like a strange cat in my room ; I don’t like any animals in my room; but special y a strange cat, when I’m—when I ’m—well, in fact, when I’m going to bed. I should be afraid of falling asleep while a strange cat was there ; though there ’s not much chance of that, as I have heard well- authenticated stories of a partiality, peculiar to cats, for sucking up the breath of sleeping infants, and so killing them. Iam not an infant, it is true, but this is a cat, and when I’m asleep, and only my head visible on the pillow, would a cat know whether I was an infant or not ? If the whole story isn’t true, then all I can say now feelingly is, that it’s the sort of thing nurses tell children, who never forget it. I haven’t forgotten it. It’s a very Le eat, what they call a fine cat, and it plucks, impatiently, withrits fore claws sp out, at the counterpane, in a tigerish way. Then it describes a sort of arch with its back, and erects its tail rigidly, as if some wild idea had entered its cat’s head of representin ‘itself, bodily, as a model for a Norman gateway, with a perpendicular tower at the side. No one ever yet eard of a cat having gone mad on the subject of architecture, yet this looks like it. It has a wild look about its eyes too. The longer I regard the creature, the wilder it seems to become, and the more energetically does it claw the counterpane, as though it were some- thing alive that it felt a cruel delight in tearing to pieces. Then it opens its red mouth and ‘‘ wows,’’—savagely, I think. Years ago I remember being in a kitchen when a cat had fits. It flew matily round the place, smashing plates and soup-tureens (it got its head into one—but backed out of it again furiously), biting and scratching, and was finally knocked on the head bya be ger with a hammer. The awful thing about that mad cat was that, during the entire paroxysm, it never uttered a sound. If this cat has fits, there is no hammer, and what is worse, no bell-hanger to use it ! Morro ror Sprers and Ponp (the Australian Caterers).—A Bar in the Strand is worth two in the Bush. j Promotion For Mr. Parnett.—To be the Butt of the House of Commons next Session. Contributions. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a

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January 18, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. MANNERS. Discontented Pauper (on the Christmas Dinner). ‘‘ WELL, THIS Is CHris’*MAS DINNER AS EVER WE ’AD SINCE IVE BEEN IN THE THINKS AS WHEN WE ’AS A DINNER PARTY, THE MASTER OUGHT WHETHER WE LIKES IT WELL DONE AND WHETHER WE TAKES FAT CUT THE VITTLES AND SHOWL IT ON OUR PLATES ANYHOW !” THE ,OLD, OLD STORY! The following has not yet been sent to Mr. Punch from the India Offiee for publication. From Viceroy, January 18, 1879. Smrrn reports from Jones continuance of harassing attacks. have behaved splendidly. Defences all taken at of bayonet, and enemy only prevented from being driven over crown of pass through rations for. terse and a oat days not having been given out an Accounts ; SON encouraging. Troops sleep- ing in wi great-coats. Thermometer far below Only 72 per cent. frost-bitten. Spirit excellent. Means to move forward as soon as supply of great-coats, boots, and dhoolies to hand. Brown advanced towithia sixteen miles of Muckerabad. Waiting for transport. Had to eat artillery elephants and horses of yerg staff. Enthusiasm of troops re- —a ll > Gee eave rakes Own) Hetive gi- ments, without an: at present, owing tocasualties. Have edvariibanents in local papers. Native chiefs still respectful. JENKINS reports issue of following order of day on eve of advance :— one hout bag To-morrow, withou gage-waggons, commis- sariat, ambulance, doctors, lint, rations, or boots, you will moye fo to do the behests of your Viceroy, the mouthpiece of your beloved Empress. Owing to those di ental mistakes which are among the fortunes of war, your recent camping-ground has been more cold and ip than was pleasant at the late exceptionally low temperature. Forward, soldiers the Expeditionary Force! If behind you lurks marsh fever, before you lies theenemy! Remember that what- ever England may do herself, she expects over man to do his duty. Think then of Assaye and Netley! Your country looks towards you! Whether charging without shoes and rations, or g to your native i 8 laden with ours and t with rheumatism, England is still proud to own you as her sons! For- THE wust | ward!” . : . ‘ *Ovsz! 1I|_ The above, printed in English, Pushtoo, Persian, and To ax vs| Hindustani, was posted in camp yesterday, and produced , AND not | an excellent effect An easy feeling prevails in official circles at Calcutta. se of EDISONIANA. As an infant, it is now distinctly remembered by his old nurse, and by “his sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts,” that lights whether in the nursery or the perlous, the ship’s gloomy cabin or the lonely beacon far away on a ledge of rock in the solitary ocean, had an irresistible attraction for the youthful Eprsow; and it is related by his biographers that once when his Mother undertook a long railway expelifien in the depth of winter, and took her boy boy with her, he never once remoyed his gaze from the lamp in the carri and was ‘‘ good” from the beginning of the journey to the end. The germ of some great discovery in the future may have been latent in that prolonged stare. As me goee older, his favourite toys were miniature lamps and candlesticks, and little king-trumpets, and tiny telescopes, and he was never tired of playing at telegraphs with his brothers and sisters and their young companions. ‘The child is father of the man”—so before he was eight, the future inventor of the phonograph, the micro-tasimeter, the mega- phone, and the onognane, had devised considerable improvements in the ordinary pea-shooter, whereby its range was greats extended and its momentum increased, and had added more than one note to the compass of the Jew’s harp. At the age of fourteen he took out a patent for an ingenious con- trivance to enable persons of an obese habit to pick uy) things, from the floor without undergoing the inconvenience of stooping. His instantaneous hat-peg was also widely adopted, and universally appreciated throu the Western States before he left off jackets. 1 Great Wall of China will probably be the scene of Mr. Epr- son’s first public display of the Electric Light on any extensive scale. A plan for the illumination of the Great Desert has also been mt some difficulty having arisen with the » | never to sit down to table until he has produced A Submarine Tunnel between Liverpool and New York, as light as day and as warm as summer, is now regarded as an unquestioned certainty, only awaiting Mr. Ep1son’s leisure to attend to the details. His ordi dinner hour is six, but as it is his inflexible rule some new invention boa small, fos the oy of his ene ae posterity, it frequently happens that it is mid- partake of the family meal. test men have set a different estimate on their aod the Svante that entertained by the outside world.—Mi1ton ned by , it is said, bist: ag highly of his Paradise Regained aradise Lost—and in Mr. Epison’s case it is well under- stood that his most cherished invention, and the one on which he rests his surest claim bp fame and fortune and the future Presidency of the United States, is his Electric Pen-wiper. Tuomas Atya Epison is a young man, but little over thirty, and a t future lies him, in which he may be ex to electrify both the Old and New World with his inventions. or than his ’ A Hint to the Midland Directors. THEIR object is to cut down expenses. Suppose, with this laudable object, besides reducing the ries of guards, porters, and such small deer, they reduce those of directors, managers, station-masters clerks, and, in short, all their employés, high and low, great and small, all round—pro ratd—on the “sauce for goose sauce for gander ”’ principle. EXTREMES MEETING. What a subject for a historical picture! Brsmancx and‘ the Pore contending with the same un consideration, b Corerumant about the lemp-posts, this project is for the present Srére whose heads are free Thought, free Speech, free Press, Parliament! Punch will have to try his at it one of these days, VOL. LXXVI. a r \ en De ‘s bite gpa “BE sa a Ege accom enue

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Janvany 18, 1879. ATTAINING HER MAJORITY. Wins GAIA LZ a Cn, Z LEAF essen) we LZ ZZ John Bull to La République. Baave, ma belle ! lo ve done right well ; The hope of many struggling days Peale ( this poaconess t at a time ccept my warm felicitations ! as grown to soli ty; peans might a more proper ; This hour should ring reaction’s knell, You’ve silenced fears, extorted praise, | The caution of py 8 ine And silence faction’s fulminations. By moderation and legality. Of sympathy is no estopper. ’T will not, I fear ; but you, my dear, : ; Not one true heart thro’ ut our land, Have now attained your right majority, But fight it out on that same line, Without reserve of er party Be calm and cool as you are clever ; i | h | But , And to the shouts of hate or fear Tho dive with guar teed tehnn, | some Toneh’s cleaving bent, May show a calm superiority. And the Red Spectre ’s laid for ever. Calm! Let elation’s fiery thrill But there are those amongst your foes Not stir you from that patient standing Who’ll seek that Bogey’s resurrection, Bismarck’s New Drastic TREATMENT FOR i kings to Germany.—Iron y. Blood (suspended pro On simple right with steadfast will, And their dark wor! oppose, Which es your attitude commending. Will need your wariest cireumspection. | tem.)

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January 18, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “ \y i izes = THE PEACOCK TRAIN. ‘You Just PULL A STRING, AND THERE YOU ARE!” THE RAILWAY PASSENGER’S CATECHISM. (Prepared for use of the Public by the Executive Committee of the United Railway Companies.) a. ie a “‘ Railway Traveller.” A. A greatly-favoured person, enabled by the help of the Railway Companies to move from place to place with the least possible comfort at the highest possible c . Give your reasons for F holdin that the Railway Traveller is con favoured in being coved from place to {place on these Because this is the opinion of the Railway officials; and the Ralwee officials are the best judges of such matters. . Do you think it Doce be better were trains to keep adver- ticket-clerks to be more civil, and a and porters to tips, and more after their duties y not. Q. Gives your reason for this opinion ? A, Because any reform in Railway management with these ob- jects must cause a great deal of whelly unnecessary trouble. ¢. is an accident ? that cannot, as a ale, be avoided. . How do you vragen accidents . Into important and 1 ome A is an unimportant accident ? - One which causes damage or death to a few employés and third- ow oped: accident ? One which h large demands for compensation that dividends and lower i price of shares. tt generally to be blamed for accidents ? ies who suffer by them. More icularly, when any of meCumpeny i is killed, the blame should always be laid on does him no harm, and averts unpleasant | men! from others. Q. Whose fault is it when Railway Companies suddenly raise their tariff ? A. The Government’s, Q. Why ? A. Because they have for many years been overtaxing the Railways. Q. Would this be a valid plea in the case of a tradesman who should suddenly raise the prices of his goods ? A. Certainly not. Railway my vase are not tradesmen. Q. How do they differ from tradesmen ? pri eee one public servants—the holders of special powers and a. On secured by Act of Parliament. what consideration were these powers and privileges Sheed On that of ministering to the public convenience. é What has become of Salil ? A. It naming, boom found that the B ng ~ convenience is really identical with that of the Companies, former consideration, as a separate matter, has been generally lost sight of. Q. Have the — any right to complain ? A, Certainly Their interests yp the’Companies are in Mg Pan run identical On oe give any other reason why complaints should not be m * of w shortcomings in way management A, Com is no wrong in this om its cannot be , as there coun’ iy oom all ¢ Be hghting ae ena a Je-handed, through all , e-han the Law Courts up to the tet Q. Would not this often entail ruin upon the assailant of the Co often é Then hat do ‘ou infer to be the wisest course for those who have + ssean anything in connection with railway manage- A. To grin—and. bear it! ¢ ed PE Re | pager ~~ Thea sagiacgt ere Te _ ie,

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16 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Janvany 18, 1879. OLD WOMEN IN THE CITY. T" Citizen bears the following tes- timony to the wisdom and discern- ment of certain of its fellow - citizens, as touching “Pree TRADE AND Recrprociry.—An ex- tremely number of signatures have already been affixed to the Me- morial which is to be resented to the Lonp AYorR urging him to convene a public meet~ ing in the Guildhall with regard to the pre- sent i of trade. = a Parliamentary Ingui —=~ with the Giioct of tote ~ Byi if such should be advisable, . the existing system of Free Trade.” One would imagine ‘ that the City men capable of seriously proposing the reyival of Protection as a remed for the depression of trade, must be as small in number as cant in position. But says our Citizen :-— ‘‘ From inspection of the document itself we are enabled to state that the sig nataries include many of the largest firms of the City, wholesale warehouse- men, bankers, and merchants of the highest standing.”’ Is it possible? And this when prevails all the world over, and most severely in the. coun aon is most thoroughly established. What a hold the Unprotected Female must of late years have been quietly taking on the City! What a number of old Ladies in the largest firms around the abode of the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street! The Protectionist panic of these old i however, too clearly shows that, whatever ogre they may have been making in the commercial world, they have anything but advanced in their knowledge of business. FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. Being a Brief Record of a few Winter-seasonable Visits to certain Country Houses. Visit THE Frest.—Cuapter X. Cat on Counterpane — Inducements — Considerations about Cats Witches — Familiars — Manceuvres — Decision — Away — Disappearance — Retirement —Thoughts on Smiles—In Bed— Practicality — Attempts— My Dream—An Awakener — Inez- plicable — Morning — Mystery — ton — Answer — Return —A ppointment— Narratwn— Rude Incredulity—Mem. Tue Black Cat—Grif is its name—still on the bed. It won’t come off. There is nothing for it but coaxing. A dog being of a more eredulous nature, can be induced to run out of a room on receiving an intimation (false, of course) as to the existence of rats, or cats, outside. But a cat is not to be taken in, or rather is not to be put out, by such simple devices. Were I to open the door, and say, **Mouse! mouse! Hi! Im there, good cat!” he wonldn’t stir. The mention of a rat would present no attraction ; and though a dog would dash off an reverse of this is the case with the latter ; The part of the room, where the door is, becomes darker and darker as the fire only throws a warm glow on its own little social circle of fender, fire-irons and hearth-rug, Occasionally, a gleam, shooting up like a signal to the spirits, ag nog be pene , the face of the old Cavalier in the picture. In that brief space, as I, in my be- wilderment, am looking up from the eat to the wall, utterly forgetful of the picture, he seems to appear before me like the apparition of the Flying Dutchman did to Senta ; and, by the light of that fitful flame his eyes open and close upon me, as though he (whoever he is) were astonished at my hesitation in i ith a mere cat. But it isn’t a mere cat; it’s a Tom Cat, a big Tom Cat, and a Tomis much fiercer than a Tabby. At least, so I have always understood. I feel I must be asleep before the fire goes out. - J cross into the shadow, and open the door. Silence and gloom in the passage, anything but enticing to most animals, though I fancy ywhere in expectation of finding a cat, yet the| be animal for rest and meditation, with occasional diver- 1 should imagine, by beetles and mice. But a cockney cat, or Whittingtonian cat, is quite another being m sleek drawing-room bred, dining-room fed, black cat, in a country house, whi disdains the common domestic mouse,—a term that sounds better than the “‘ house-mouse,”—and indulges only im field sports, and the excitement of poaching ‘on various preserves. ’ : I hold the door open. I could not be more polite were I ushering a Duchess into a drawing-room. ‘Puss! Puss! Puss! Come Pussy!” ies “Mow!” replies Griff, still pacing up and down, and lifting up his feet as though the eounterpane were a patchwork of hot plates. It flashes across me how so wv f stories are associated with cats, and not one with.adog. At least, do not remember any dog ing asahero. The witch’s familiar is invariably a black cat. Cats are always associated with so: esque, weird, or dia- bolical. I don’t so mueh mind a feminine eat, like, for example, the White Cat; but a black Tom Cat, a monster with glaring eyes, and claws that you can hear as they pluck at the quilt—no!—out he must go. I can’t stand shivering at the door any longer. The fire- shovel and peker must be introduced into the scene, when it will become uncommonly like a haunted bed-room in the good old Panto- mime times,—only without the music,—and I must take my chance ot Tateal tana tothe fre sivi hint to th To e fire, giving, my manner, no the Bree! ‘Now then! Whoosh!" Whirr | — Lam executing a sort of white-robed classic Indian war- ance on cat of the contemplated mancuvre. The eat has ales Into thedarkness. Gone. I assure myself unusual advan sion,—occasion of the fact, very carefully, and cautiously. Now, as Macbeth mre, It, that horrid scene conjured up now?) *Tobed! To bed! 0 Lit? I expect to see a ghost. Were a ghost toa c ; le into the pillow, and insiston tucking me up for the night, it would be iockeds, nothing more I had ex TE oe the door to — seway (ee Gas of its being I hear the crackling of the last on I hear the furni and the wood-work, snapping, ike overstrained fiddle-strings. But it is warm and comfortable in bed, and if a ghost came now, | feel I should have the best of it. In ing a ghost, I fancy being in bed, or out of bed, must e all erence, He Soames £0 may t. In fact, I begin to won about the wicked old, Earl, and the picture, and the clock, and then I remember somebody’s after-dinner story about the ghost of Cardinal Wotsgy in blue coat and brass buttons, and I actually smile. _I like smiling in bed; it is so cosy. I am convinced that at no time of one’s life can one’s smile appear so perfectly happy, or be so indicative of a contented mind, at peace with all the world, asa smile in bed. rea: Itisa sotty subject, too, for a picture, ‘* The Smiler in Bed,” no matter who the smiler may be. It may be true, and is true to a certain extent, to say ‘‘ Therejis no place like Home;” but give me the bd kernel of that sentiment, and let me exclaim with enthusiasm, * oa rong ee like bed s 4 bins " be Sich ith the at sever egrees Ww nt, wi ex oe within and expenses without, there te Mae like bed. ! bed! soft, warm ! wherever I wander there’s no place like bed. And as to ghosts—the bed-posts mark, as it were, the boundaries of the charmed circle, within which no ghosts can pene- trate to hurt me. No, here I can think, and blink, and smile at the fire, and be happy. Then, I argue, that if there are ghosts fier, Wott hurt me; and I have half a mind to utter this sentiment , 90 that, should there be any ghosts ready to appear, they may be anxious not to my good opinion. My clothes, hanging helplessly over the chair- assume a fan- tastic shape, and I can’t help thinking how really fearful it would , were the double of one’s own face gradually to appear out of the looking-glass. I direct my a ion with a sort of deferezitial de- fiance towards the portrait, half daring it to come out of its frame, and half imploring it not to do anything of the sort. Then I close my eyes, and try to sleep. Failure. It occurs to me how foolish it is to indulge late at night calculated to excite the will close my eyes once more, and be hat Ng going to 0) een: en ay with the first thing in the morning—breakfast. on’t D here another day, as Josstyn Drke and his nervous @ now, as I snuge Ts. Turton, not be lively company, i This practicality leads to sleep. i do sleep, but I dream an unin- teresti: stupid dream. Somehow I am dressed in a Cambridge B.A, gown and, hood, which is not exactly a B.A. gown and hood, but only i bao ; and I am dining with a Lady, who it is I haven’t the cats rather prefer darkness ; and to a London cat, a coal-hole offers as I am ignorunt of her name, and have never seen her sort; test betore

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January 18, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. though she is, somehow, a very old friend of mine, and I am, apparently, on the most intimate terms with her; and there is a t rson at table, who seems to be all shirt-front, and no features. Suddenly there appears before the Lady a dish for her to carve, She and the featureless guest both laugh, and I declare that I cannot eat rat with white sauce. I argue the point with somebody. Itisa strange dish; it has a body like a chicken, but smothe in white sauce, with the head and tail of a rat. I am aware (how I don’t know) that there is nothing else coming, and ingenodionly Se wards, without, however, ever losing sight of the Lady, or the dish, or the featureless guest with the shirt-front, I go up the steps of a Church, and find myself on a platform, where I pass several eventful years of my life as a soldier, and, for having done something which affects me to tears, I am tried by a court martial in , and condemned to be shot. I say farewell to a number of people in bright blue coats, and the word is given for the guns tofire. They fire; and I am awoke by the most tremendous thud on the floor. I startup. It isperfectly dark. I can see nothing. I will swear to the thud on the floor, with the force of a sledge-hammer. I wait anxiously for a repetition of the sound. No; a distant clock—I have aes previously noticed the sound of a clock—strikes four. I wish it been five, or six. The fireisout. I donot know where to find the matches. But the thud? Could it have been the cat ? Impossible, or I should hear it scrambling about. A bird down the chimney ? No, or it would be fluttering in the room, And to have made such a noise the bird would have had to have been as big as an ostrich and as hard and poses as 5 aneee y gues Somebody in a room above, or below? No. Not asound in the room. Sleep is out of the question. I know what it will be, I shall remain fever- ishly awake till daylight, then drop off into a sound slumber when I ought to be getting up. No further noise, strikes five. fore six I am once more asleep, i oe, Raglan and am only aroused by a knock at oor, and somebody vainly turning the handle. It is Goon with hot water. He reminds me that breakfast is at twenty-five minutes ar eight, . : When up, I examine the room. Not a sign of anything having fallen. The noise is inexplicable. ’ I don’t mention it to Josstxn at breakfast. In fact I do not intend to tell him at all. I think I detect a certain disappointment in his manner, but that may be my fancy. As Mrs. Turron does not come down, we are alone. Josstxyn hopes I sleptcomfortably. Oh! most comfortably. Did I see ny weap ‘Ghosts! Oh dear no,” I reply cheerfully, ‘‘ ghosts don’t bother me.” Iam sure he is disappointed. I consult the train-book, and suddenly become impressed with the absolute necessity of my returning to town immediately to keep an appointment, which requires my personal presence, as no substitute will do as well, nor can the matter be arran by telegraph, or put off, without loss to one of the parties. (An in- terview with my hairdresser constitutes in reality the appointment in question—he expects me always on a certain day, 4 at a certain time ; and as over his door he writes himself ‘ Hair-dresser by Nyy I cay make the appointment, and he keeps it. But I don’t let Josstyn Dyxe into the secret.) And, so,fwith thanks on my part, for a very pleasant evening and with hopes, on Azs part that will come down whenever feel inclined, to which 1 respond heartily, ‘‘I will, certainly,” I get into the fly, with my wonderful bag, and leave behind me the Phantom Butler, Fie Snap, Griff, and their gloomy master, Josstyn Dyxe, of the Ol Mote House, Moss End. Happening to meet my old friend Mirevugp, I recount to him my extraordi experience in the haunted room at the Mote. Mizvrp is utterly wanting in revererice. I tell him that I distinctly heard a bang. ** Yes,” retorts MILBRUD, rudely ; ‘‘ so do I now: and you tell it!” Then he goes off in a roar of laughter,, shakes me viclently by the elbow, hits me in the ribs, and says, ‘* That won’t do here, my boy. It’s not the first bang youve heard in your life which you couldn’t eeonuet Se, eh? And not the first you’ve told, either, eh? Ha! a ’ Then away he goes in a: perfect whirlwind of laughter, taking with him two men, who had been) inclined to listen gravely to my story, and to treat me with respect and consideration, but who now have a broad grin on their faces, and who henceforth, when they meet me, will only treat me as afarceur, and refer to this story of t bsolutely true narrative of my own experience,—with a wink and a — as a jocose attempt on my part to impose on their credulity with what Mrizurp has politely Aw **a bang.” Mem.—Never tell Mrtsvurp anything serious again. Happy Thought.—Go and stay with another ‘Friend at a Distance” on the first opportunity. THE RIGHT WORD IN THE RIGHT PLACE. Ix Prince Bismanck’s ‘‘ Parliamentary. Discipline” Bill, the word ” discipline ” appears to be used in the old monastic sense of a scourge. MUTINY AND MODERATION. HE Volunteer Force of the country is, now in so eminently satisfac- tory a condition, that any hint for its further improvement may be. thought superfluous. Still there may be a great deal in such a hint to be found in a proposal recently made in a letter to the Times, that Volunteer Offi- cers, when their Corps are not called out for active service, shall be subjected to the provisions of,a ‘* Modified Mutiny Act.” Always prac- tical, the Sage of Fleet, Street publishes a rough list of some of the crimes might be dealt with in new measure, with a suggestion of appropriate punishments, Sentence. Conduct unbecoming a Commanding The Coachman of the C. 0. Officer and a gentleman in, requesting to be deprived of his the General in charge of district ‘to cockade for seven, four- be hanged, and not to bother C.0, teen, or twenty-one days, with any more of his idiotic circulars.” according to the gravity of the pr Bodh Conduet unbecoming a and a To be deprived of his spurs gentleman in calling his Colonel ‘‘a fe a couple of inspec- in muff, who does not know the differ- _ tions. ween a rifle and a pike-staff.’ . Conduct unbecoming a Captain and a Not to be allowed to print mtleman for declaring his opinion his rank on his visiting his Major does not know his right cards for six weeks, hand from his left. i Conduct unbecoming a Subaltern and a To be deprived of the pri- gentleman in spreading injurious re- vilege of wearing the — relative to the appearance of his uniform of his regiment aptain’s lower limbs in leggings. at pre consecutive Fancy alis. Conduct detrimental to discipline in To have his speech pub- calling on the men under him ata lished at full length in district muster to give three groans the Volunteer Service for Mr. Giapstone, or Lord Beacons- Gazette—as an adver- FIELD, as the case may be. tisement. Conduct subversive of discipline in send- Removal of the letters ing out a circular suggesting that the ‘‘P.S.” from after the Corps should go en masse (in mufti)to officer’s name in the break an offending neighbour’s win- Army List for three dows. months, A JUDGE, AND A GOOD JUDGE, TOO. Scorr sung, in the Lady of the Lake,— “ And Snowdon’s knight is James Firzsames.” And now Punch is glad to echo, with variations,— And CLEeassy’s vice is James Firzsames! A more honourable man, more thoughtful and able lawyer, and more far-sighted critic of the law, than Sir James Firzsames SrerHEN, most distinguished of the distinguished sons of a dis- ingui father, never crowned a successful and honourable pro- fessional career at the Bar with the dignity of the Bench. Only one thing is to be —that the Codifier of the Law of Evi- dence in India should be taken from the work of abridging and amending the law to that of administering it. May he find time and tees in his new position for both these good and urgent wor Quis Custoprer Cusropes ?—If only the “trip” system on the Midland don’t ‘‘ trip ” up the Directors, or the Public! THe worst vse Workmen’s CLUBS CAN BE PUT 1T0.—To strike. = Sienna SES So ae EPS Gee cae wrerahees.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (January 18, 1879. 7 ERIN YF al ati PTET Ae A FASHIONABLE COMPLAINT. Mamma. ‘“‘ PAPA DEAR, THE CHILDREN HAVE BEEN ASKED TO THE WILLOUGHBY RopINsons’ ON THE ELEVENTH, THE HowaRD JonEs’s ON THE FIFTEENTH, AND THE TALBOT BrowNeEs’ ON THE TWENTY-FIRST. THEY’LL BE DREADFULLY DISAPPOINTED IF YOU DON’T LET THEM GO! May I WRITE AND ACCEPT, DEAR Papa!” Dear Papa (savagely). ‘Ou, sUsT as You PLEASE! But, As JUVENILE PARTIES SHOULD ALWAYS BE TAKEN IN TIME, YOU HAD BETTER WRITE TO Dr. Squriis TOO, AND TELL HIM TO CALL ON THE TWELFTH, SIXTEENTH, AND TWENTY-SECOND.” When Hunger bites, and Cold, “THE WOLF AT THE DOOR.” This ill-timed talk withhold Kot for f pint! Of Nemesis on Error’s heels still nigh. No time for festal chaunt ! A monster grim and gaunt ide every heart and hand! Ramps at the thres of Brrrawnia4’s home, The future of the land, Where she, with straining hands, Duty, and Christian love, all make a The savage thing withstands, Work, brotherly good-wi Fiercer than wolves way ts Tartar snow-wastes roam. These "hungry mouths to fill, And organise the power to help and heal. es ot Miesoninn, whose aced strong Death’ might in fight, Millions should be as one And pale Fitment from his elutehes ae When So cong must be done More strenuously strove, Against a common oo ae one is here Te k -_ he children of her love 3 Ech od oh wed i 0 Raney SS a Se Seay Salat, Sereapent. By help of ty who oid our Tentand dear ! bea her hes quent sts piocnathe avail ? Factions and feuds bid cease, The lank- “bined beast has orowsed her path before. While wart - scanter a But sibthe aoe des, a | Jain hada and purses round, ; m , Whose In strong alliance This day to keep the wy Ane her door. To thrust the Wolf of Want — door ! That is the hour’s one task. What boots it now to ask Whose fault has loosed the wehr-wolf yet again ? A Card. . , ll talk of that anon, Mrz.”\Ponc ‘presents his compliments Se Mr. Wootrycn and en the dread beast is go begs to congratulate him on the us common sense of his With baffled jews, thrust bed tite mal den. decision that a tradesman selling an an adulterated article to a public eumnges doce sp Se Se guepeaees of the purchaser.” Mr. Punch There ’s sorrow in the air, hopes snd trusts that the Superior Courts, if the question is That soon may be despair ; ht before them, will decide it with as much common sense as Ask not what heads have erred, while needs so ery ! Me OOLRYCH. To tax our

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THE WOLF AT THE DOOR.”

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18, 1879.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LOTS FROM THE LOTTERY. Mr, Lanerry. Slang Dictionary—The Lorp Curer oF ENGIAND.. , serie ince pres trom he wenty square miles of Patent Good- tention Pavement— SuLran. . LO. U. for a Hundred Millions of i a Life-Preserver-Jacket er the outer clothing—The USSIA. the Accidental Insurance ’s FARINI, Krupp Gun—Mr. Jonn ie, a new Volume of Punch— W orld. Following a Good Example. Tue only,Member of our House of Com- mons, whom we have heard requested to address House in verse, was the late ember for Peterborough, who, tradamus, . ’ ing to speak, was often upon ferences é ing.”,..M. Victor Hveo is about to ments— Ditto. ame course unasked, if it be true A Thousand Cases of Fireworks stated in our respectable contemporar —Ditto. e¢ Athengum, that when the Frene A White Elephant — Lord| Chambers meet, he intends to bring out o~ ; Lyrron. an appeal in verse in fayour of an amnesty em™eA Ten dozen pairs of Stays. Ditto, Six dozen pairs of | to the Communists. )f? Strong, Braces—Sir Starrorp NorTHcorE. n ; ortune in Gas —: ag ™ 4 Aqueur Case, a Cask o erry, Two Hundred dozens of Bottled Stout, and a gross of false noses (red with SS — peed - grog-blossoms)—Sir W1LFrr LAwson. Mr. Forsrex is about to have his portrait Fancy Costumes. A Bull-fighter and a Harlequin—Major O’GorMAN. painted, fox proventesion to hie by his ad- A Life Admission to Our Boys—Mr. H. J. Byron. mirers. "t let him be painted in coat A Case of Golden Opinions (Canadian Manufacture)—The Marquis of Lomwe, and the] and trousers, but as Prometheus, declining Princess LovutsE. to be bound to the Caucuses. OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. (At the Gaiety—Mile. ZEnea the Bounding Sister—A few remarks on a Professor.) Sir, THE most. graceful thing I’ve seen for some time is the ormance: of Mile. Ainxa in the Gaiety Pantomime. This Lady perfected a system of invisible wires, by which she can fly down from a bridge at the back of the stage, fly up from the boards without the Sock of a catapult, or any thudding noise, and disappear in something over a jiffy (this being e shortest space of time within | and my experience—there being, I believe, sixty jiffies to a second) in the flies, and all this as fully, as easily, as naturally as though she} j } . Ariel oF an electric Puck, By the:way, how well this applied to such a piece,as The Tempest, or.the ight’s Dream, when Mr. HoLtinesHeaD revives these extravaganzas. . Curiously enough, so perfectly is the mechanism of Mlle. Ainza’s rformance conceal 80, conspicuous by,its absence is any- like effort, that,at her,first appearance, and, indeed, duri ‘ greater part of the Gama. gue is on the stage, the sidionce, being puzzled inclined to all her flying about and general bird- | Ad behaviour as a matter of course, penal let it without.a hand, She not startle them, like Mr. Groner Conquest, who comes up from below with a bang and a whack, and who is always| ey his audience into fits, by appearing suddenly in at : and breaking violently out of ‘“‘star traps” an vampires.” No; Mile. Ainxa floats about in an ethereal way, and only elicits vehement applanse on her unexpected disappearance | for by “‘ going aloft,” like the better part of poor Tom Bowling, when, for the first aw ae in to realise the extent of their loss, and are eager to recall her once more to the glimpses of the moon. It is a pity that this scene was not somehow worked into the story of the Pantomime itself, as, coming at the end of the comic business, r

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[January 18, 1879, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, Diy ne A KPT) Ae 49, "e “™ DISAPPOINTMENT. Squire (on Christmas-Eve, to Bachelor Curate of his Parish). *‘Do you Dine at Home To-morrow, Mr. SMALLPAY ?”’ Curate (in grateful anticipation of an invitation to the Hall). ** Yrs——”’ fortunate Giants at Covent Garden haven’t had a fair chance. They ’ve nothing to do; but at the Gaiety, the Giant’s Kitchen is pantomime fun, and the Page, Temoloso, is capitally es y=. W. Exron. Including those at present playing in Jack t company in London Giant Killer, Mr. Hotumesneap has One noticeable feature in the Gaiety Pantomime—and among the prettily dressed peasants there are several noticeable features—is the music. In spite of its being only a ’Mime, the music is never common-p ; and vi often Herr Meyer Lovvz has actually brought in descriptive dramatic bits to illustrate the actions even of Clown and Pantaloon. In most Pantomimes the music, consisting of what sounds like—scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, tiddley-iddley- iddley-iddley (then lower), scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, tiddley, iddley (running down lower), « " iddly (then up again), scrape, ae scrape, scrape, and 80 pertain» be played by the fiddlers eep. Professor Mortxy has been lecturing on the Stage, as it was, and as it is. He does not seem to know much about it as it is;” that is, if he pretends to speak as more than an outsider. He appears be practically unacquainted with the “as it is;” but then, of course, one must remember that as a fessor he only ‘“‘ pro- fesses,” and does not practise. He is right in reprobating, as strongly as possible, the present fashion of adapting the immoralities of the French Stage to ourown. By the way, should the writer of Pink Dominos want a descriptive announcement for a new adaptation of a similar character, instead of a “‘ Farcical Comedy,” it might be i,“ Immorality in Three Acts.” There used to be “* Mysteries,” and ‘“‘Moralities,” why not an “ Immorality?” There were also “‘ Miracle Plays.” It is, evidently, for one of these miracle plays that Professor Mortry is waiting, in hopes of seeing the revivification of the British Drama. quite the best burlesque to Another School for Scandal would be a “‘ miracle play” with a| th whom it concerns read how SHERIDAN v ce. Let an worked at this y, how he built it up out of two separate pieces, how “time, labour, and unceasing exertion were necessary for a Squire (who is Horticultural). ‘‘Tuen I’LL TAKE CARE THAT YOUR TABLE IS WELL SUPPLIED WITH CELERY! !”’ work which at first sight appears easy of construction and simple in its development,” and then let him point out to me the eo rd Manager, who, with wit enough to produce this wonder, would give such terms as would not only amply remunerate its author, but would encourage him to repeat the operation, and stimulate others to go and do likewise. a When Professor Mortey, or any other Professor, can indicate such a Manager, perhaps the original work may be forthcoming, and then we shall have a Miracle Play and a Miraculous Manager, and bril- liant prospects for real natives, without having recourse to the coarse bivalves, which are dear at any price to the taste of many besides the humble individual, who now signs himself, whether you, Sir, agree with him or not, Your REPRESENTATIVE. P.S8.—I should like to have written at amar length on this in- teresting topic, but a Manager has just dropped in with a French Play that he wants me to adapt, and—and—I must get to work at it at once. Let me add a suggestion for some competent adapter to work at. Let him see The Two Orphans at the Olympic. Then let him simply modernise the story, making the two Orphans two silly house- maids, and turning the wicked old woman, and her son, the Bully, into Italian Organ-grinders, living at Brook Green, and the is done. It will make a first-rate epee yee a came and for models from the life, the ae — ill only have to seek inspira- tion from ‘“‘ The Mews” —the Alexandra Mews— Brook Green, Hammersmith. De l’Opposition Politique. In the shop-window of a trunkmaker in the Strand may be seen e inscription, ‘‘ Cowhide Gladstone,” in cuous letters. Such incitements to violence cannot be too severely reprehended. Rabagas ayneest cesried fis cupectiion pelle pe Saeoet than the throwing of refuse over the into the Prince’s Garden.

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wert wwwuru' nw? «= - --= = 'eeaw ise January 18, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | &sre ws ant Nm sayy ile BIE oS t THE REWARD OF MERIT. Mrs. Lyon Hunter. “How po you po, Mr. Brown? LET ME PRESENT YOU TO THE DucnEss oF Stirton! Your GRack, PERMIT ME TO PRESENT TO you Mr, Brown, THE DISTINGUISHED ScHOLAR !”’ Her Grace (affably). ‘‘ CHARMED TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE—ER—MR. Brown!” Mr. Brown (with effusion). ‘‘ Your GRACE 18 REALLY TOO KIND. THIS IS THE WINTH TIME ]’VE ENJOYED THE DISTINCTION OF BEING PRESENTED TO YOUR GRACE WITHIN THE LAST TWELVE MONTHS ; BUT IT’S A DISTINCTION I VALUE SO HIGHLY, THAT WITHOUT TRES- PASSING TOO MUCH ON YOUR GRACE’S INDULGENCE, | HOPE I MAY BE OCCASIONALLY PER- . [ Bows, and absquatulates. A New Juliet. Tue début of a young girl of eighteen, in the part of Juliet, on the huge stage of Drury Lane, is not such an event as Punch would usually feel called upon to chronicle. But when the débutante is the daughter of an old friend and comrade, CoHartes Kenny, dis- abled by ill-health from fighting his' own and his children’s battles, and when such a jud of histrionic promise as ReGNrER has given the most hopeful and encouraging opinion of aspirant, the début acquires such a special interest for Punch, and, he trusts, for the public, as justifies him in hoping that the afternoon of Thursday, the 23rd will find old crowded with those who, for the father’s sake, will look kindly on the child’s first essay of an arduous part, and her first step in a difficult career. Aw Easy Marcu.—General Roperts, we hear, is marching into the ‘‘ Khost” country. So, we fear, are the other Generals, as we shall find when the Bills come in. TENS AND A KNAVE, Let those who refuse to admit what they cannot account for, deny the fact that a curious fatality is so observable in the sequence of numbers. The Morning Post nevertheless relates that at Scar- borough Quarter Sessions, on conviction of one Epwin Bett, alas Joun Watson, alias Epwin Rawson, for breaking into the house of the Rev. H. Branz, and stealing therefrom a diamond ring, a gold chain, and many articles of jewellery— “The Recorpsr, in g sentence, said that at the age of 10 the prisoner was sen- tenced to 10 days’ imprisonment and 10 years in a reformatory. When that sentence expired, prisoner was convicted of assault, and in 1870 he was sentenced at Manchester to 10 years’ penal servitude for sacrilege, after which came the crime he was now to be punished for.”’ With that his Honour sentenced the cul- prit to another ten years’ penal servitude, to be followed by five years’ police super- vision. It not seem to have to him, as a happy thought, that he might as well have given him five years’ more of the supervision, so as to complete the series of tens which have distinguished his remarkable career. A character who has kept the even tenor of his evil way, in gaol principally, during successive yeeane represented by the number ten, can hardly be expected to amend his life ; and the probability that ten years’ police super- vision would not be too long for him is, at least, ten to one. Sir Stafford’s Readings. Sie Starrorp Norrucore, in a Devon- shire public ing, has charmed his au- dience, first with the scene from the Vicar of Wakefield of Moszs and the gross of green’spectacles, and then with Brownrne’s well-known poem of the ‘‘ Pied Piper.” Factious opponents might easily draw an offensive parallel between what a certain illustrious pair brought back from Berlin, and the gross of green spectacles, with their copper rims thinly washed with silver, which Moses brought back from the fair. But it would be still more offensive to find an llelism between the Pied Piper a | Sir Starrorp, who has often had to ipe in such a very pie-bald fashion to beng his notes into tune and time with those of his Leaders. Different Translations. M. Gambetta, in his last appearance at the Bar on behalf of M. CHaLtemet- Lacour, a Senator, grossly libelled in La France Nouvelle, quoted as the motto of the Republic, ‘‘ Sub lege libertas,’’ which he and Punch would, of course, translate i eegis of law.” ig proposes the same motto for Germany, but with a different translation— ‘“* Liberty under the heel of Law.” CiassicaL Comrort FoR THE TRAVEL- Line Pusiic (amid the fight of Railwa Companies and their Servants.)—‘* Quic- quid delirant Reges, plectuntur Achivi.” ‘ Officials quarrel, travellers are smashed.” A SUM IN DIVISION. Tne one German—Prince Bismarck. The other Germans—Seine Leute.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 18, 1879.

There was quite a rush to the table, and much enthusiasm. It THE NEW CHARITY. bg fm ap = And three hours later, as * Toby with a tein of cold “Times are hard. Show them in, whoever | water and a lemon, Mr. P. was a very substantial first 0: a was the large-| instalment of the * New Charity. bd

ane! disappeared. In a few e m asso ndience. chamber in Barope Sm, TREADING ON THE ibdial TALE on with a motle mons’ y Pw I REJOICE to see that the ies of rank, swells of monet * first water, diners-out, distin- prove 4 a glass slipper has at le

denounced as an exploded myth nC f of manners guished members of leading | fnown research of Ler anti ne uthoritie costume (see clubs, young ethe ‘olideys, | Pal PLANcH#’s excellent Chyeld wdia, now in course of bi “—“ Eton home for the pe ee say shoe or slipper of this material seem to have ee Se pt ef oxpenaive ait pron est and tog can readily understan into ttle rats into footmen, and ti for _from several West EndSnurseries, “wn lorward i" well bred yi fs Scene wrought by Cinderella's tific fra confusion. mother, which are evidently a mythic forés i af some of the | “What is the meaningfof this?” inquired Mr. P., a little per- | most recentl vered truths of the ' late of plexed, but with h his always courteous bow. ‘I a ht I heard Evolution. is all reasonable enough. es like ‘ Out of work.’ Perhaps there is some ke?” the thing is posterous! The word not sk ony ict | He addressed himself to a stately and serene Duchess, whose name | pair, ir, foe w hich we Qvicnerat, and other autho i} | was familiarly associated in his mind with published subscription now, Sir, as scholarly criticism is af le lists, to whom, as he spoke, he gracefully offered a art chair.

high urseeyt Feeds Mr. PuneWs ee eat hate n t to unch’s learned thought om ork the hint, and seating herself at once, responded réadily for cone mderits that ‘proof may usefully be ¢ lean ™ er confreres. C

fast- lant referred to in Ja Need the Bean- No, Mr. Punch,” she said, “‘ there is no mistake. The fact of tail os haggeny ee the Buber mily, which aay be the = is, we all want work, - what is =, want 9 Dene 9 any sheltered aspect of a tem perate locality at Y the | Indeed!” re r. Pune feet fm he comfo assem- aay, with results little less id, if e startling, | blage fo totere J hin with much sympath fi I am really afraid that Wa wey Gstclopment. ° oT ot di ij m oe eat by oo ag I think, with m lausibility, that She. interrupted him with a me little laugh. “Oh no, it Chieis Was ae brutally cut up by the rorty That I but simply

isn’t that,” she said, ‘we are not like those people, you know, who ou fashion still get shovels lent them at so much a day. That isn’t the kind of work qeerered ee: = ¢

common in the e East, in the

le peue ot te wore = bait praspdate, , half as a we require. e groun vi «Proceed, your Grace,” responded Mr. P., a little coldly. She | was abl ms iy Sr tdes ie ‘the ae i ard went on. ‘ fi i in be d “* We want todo something, don’t you know, to help the prevailing 3 some vegetable remedy for the fhe il which distress. We all give to i. lar charities, of course, and do any ve while to investigate. bazaar, or private theatri s concert business, that turns gf i, oteety probable, I think, and documentary evidence at the proper houses. But th say just now, you know, as ude tbe forth coming in the Archives of Brittany, that Blue are so bad, we nant to do soi more. I’m sure there are a

Beard owed the peculiar colour of the hair on his chin to some of us would be quite too charmed if we only knew what to do: so if| en enterprising hairdresser, who farmed him as an “bastions ent. you could just suggest something, , you are such an awfully clever,| There is a great deal more, Sir, for which I should like to offer or old dear—you know —we should really all think you quite too| invite proof, if you would give me space. It is high time ad arene sh delightful. misstatements, tending to foster nothing but the most ¢ There was a ae of ean as shefinished. Mr. Punch’s | credulit

, should be ative from the nursery by votaries of accurate

Ol ian face visibly re knowl , like ie oby,” he said ry me a quire of imperial foolscap, What fe Yours, iconoclastically, your Grace wants,” he continued, turning benevolently to the smil- SMELFUNGUS Dryaspust. ing Duchess, “is a new sort of subscription-list, framed on the principle of personal ll “Yes? Connais pas,” she answered innocently. Rare Chance for a Christian. * At the Agee I have myself cut Toff two havannahs daily, and uous luxuries which shal! be nameless. | THE depression of the times has evidently reached the domestic The saving —s is tacked on in my account-book to the | level, if we may judge from the following Advertisement in the

item “ General Cherite.” ~whsieh, I can assure you, it swells not Daily Chronicle :— inconsiderably. Its moral effect is most bracing. Toby has been

ENERAL SERVANT.—Wanted an active, decided Christian, be- in the best of bon tee 4 he has given up e-pie.’ tween thirty and fifty, without encumbrance ; private family ; four There was a brief b of applause, which was immediately sup- Christian privileges; great liberty; unfurmished room, kitchen, pressed ; ot. at its conclusion, a celebrated diner-out had to re, e, lights, and 3s. weekly, without board.

removed from the room Christian could “ Thazks, so much,” said the the Deshew,, rising. ‘‘I understand— Bit feed coal bm Sorte mafarniehnd’ bode: great we are to give w something like ? “* Your Grace te hit it,” replied Mr. P., as he gallantly bowed Terry, oud Curtetien privileges, on 9s. ¢ week. over her white and taper fingers in his best vieille cour style, “We will commence our list at once. What shall we say for a start?

Bememre eek 8 Cea mam we ww aw Oe ee

‘A Duchess’ contributes ? ”—— A TESTIMONIAL. = tn cost _of a couple of receptions, and—let me see—a parure| Mr. Irvine wears a remarkable feather in his Hamlet's bonnet, , her New Y to Bicol Will that do?” in the Graveyard Seene. We present him with “another feather Punch smiled women and jotted down the Duchess’s friendly | in his cap,’”’ in the form of Puneh’s discriminating praise. e ead.” plume himself on this. .

&#@ To Corresrorpsnts.— The Bditor does not hold hinadlf bound to acknowledge, return, or Sor Contributions. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. chould be kept.

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ee. ~~ oo @ r h te be- our en, nd eat Jaxvary 25, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. facturer, seems to be an o' they were cent, the trade would still be thoroughly legitimate. A BLIND CORNER. EMILY HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS WAS FRED’s FAVOURITE STILE For JUMPING HIS NEW Horse. FLOUR v. GYPSUM, THat most far-sighted of Lord Mayors, the illustrious WHETHAM, seems to be as determined on damping sani- tary zeal as over-eager charity. Only in this way can we explain the snubbing he thought fit to administer to Dr. Saunvers, Officer of Health and Public Analyst for the City, who had been ill-advised enough to bring before him the case of a cargo of stuff imported as wheat-meal, but so largely adulterated with Plaster of Paris, that . Saunpers was able to exhibit a donkey’s h moulded from this devil’s dust, in practical illustration of the —_ of the samples from twenty sacks, armed with which he sought the aid of the Lonp Mayor to have the perilous stuff condemned and seized before it found its way inte the trade, the bakers’ ovens, and the stomachs of Her Majesty’s The Lorp Mayor, instead of condemning the villanous mixture, cond the doctor, telli im he should have prosecuted the man who sold the flour. The usual course of common-p! Magistrates acting under the power of the Nuisance Removal Act applicable in such matters, is to direct seizure of the offen ing article, and so keep it out of the market. The Lonp Mayor prefers to wait till it gets there. In the mean time, Dr. Saunpers has learnt that a foreign baker in Dean Street, Soho, has made 114 “‘wheaten loaves” from this gypsumised meal, two of which were laid on the table besides the ass’s head—the pen’ beside the symbol of what should have been the antidote. Probably the foreign baker may think himself war- ran in bringing these loaves into the market as ‘* French bread,’’ on the strength of the Plaster of Paris they contain. We should like to see the illustrious Wuetaau to a week of this costive semi- cereal mixt by which time he would, perhaps, be brought to understand that it is better to keep sucha poisonous compound out of the market, than to take your chance of tracing it into so-called bread-stuffs, after it gets there. Puncn’s Apvicr To MADEMOISELLE LA Répvsiieve.— Not to put too much pepper in her Grivy. “LET ME WRITE MYSELF DOWN AW ASS!” A SPECIALIST paper, which, from its name, The Tertile Manu- rgan of the industry whose name it bears, has thought fit to fall foul of Mr. Punch for falling foul, in an article called ‘* Millers and their Men,” of manufacturers who weight their calicoes with size and clay, till they become practically China-cla manufacturers rather than cotton-spinners, ‘‘ The veteran Joker,” he is assured by the Tertile Manufacturer, ‘‘ blunders wofully”’: and —‘‘to use language he would not hesitate to employ” (certainly not, in the proper quarter—Mutato nomine de te, O Textile Manufac- turer,—fabula narratur)—‘‘ has made a stupendous ass of himself.” The 7. M. then goes on to instruct Mr. Punch in this graceful fashion :— “* We do not consider it our province to instruct London office-boys in the rudiments of manufacturing; but as this specimen of the species may possibly be some day promoted to the exalted post of Mr. Punch’s factotum, we will go a little out of our way for his ot reedhaliry and we hope he will hereafter acknowledge the source of his instruction. The Pall Mali Gazette may like- wise take a lesson at the same time. The object of sizing is to strengthen the warp, and thereby to facilitate the operation of weavi The chlorates of zinc and magnesia are never used in size, but the chlorides of zine and mag- nesium are; the first as an antiseptic for preventing mildew, and the second with the same object, although it is not an antiseptic according to some authorities. The presence of glue is not objectionable. ‘Chemicals,’ as such, are not used to give weight and body—they would be too expensive ; but China clay is employed for this purpose. The idiotic outery made about the latter is a conspicuous instance of the want of ‘sense and truth’ shown by the professed instructors of the public. Suppose affairs were really as black as they are constantly being painted, is it not with a declining trade, the quintessence of folly to publish to the world that we are a set of scoundrels, and that our are spurious or adulterated? The poverty- stricken Hindoo prefers to buy the heavily-sized cloths; they are considerably cheaper for him, and, as he does not wash his garments very frequently, they serve as well as the purest articles. If the consumer knows what he is buying | (and he does), how ean he be damnified by the transaction? If the trade is } one of pure adulteration, where are the enormous profits, when merchants are flying kites to keep their heads above water, and manufacturers are working’ ata loss? The truth is, the merchant has to supply these goods, and the manufacturer has to them, and if adulterated’ to 1,000 per The same number of the Textile Manufacturer which contains this 8 oaeee extract,” prints on the same page one with the heading, ‘* Stiffened Calicoes,” which informs its ers that— ‘* This stiffening of our calicoes is one, and we may say the chief, cause of their growing unpopularity in both the home and foreign markets, but espe- cially in the former. As the sewing machine is now an adjunct of almost every dwelling, our dealers, mere , and finishers should adapt their finishes to the altered circumstances, and not blindly throw into the hand of foreign competitors the best and the richest market in the world—the Englis one.” But not only the English. The article goes on— “ Knowing how white goods are finished, we were not surprised to see the following in an American journal, which we can readily believe to be quite true :—‘ Mr. Jennines, formerly man editor of the New York Times, and now London correspondent of the same jo writes that ‘‘a lady friend of mine was told to-day, on inquiring for some calicoes for children, that the Americans were the ao eee be worked on the sewing-machine more easily than the English.” “Why?’’ “ Well, they are softer. The English goods are stiffened up with size, and consequently do not lend. themselves very readily to the sewing- .”’* Many of the above remarks will apply with equal force to calicoes, which are so heavily sized at the mills that no use can be made of until they have been washed. We think it would pay a manufscturer well to commence making a range of really good cloths, in both grey and white qualities—and pus both by a trade mark— specially designed to meet the requirements of domestic consumption in this country.” And why not, ‘‘ foreign consumption abroad as well,” Punch would ask ? ** It is, at all events, worth a trial,” concludes the 7ertile Manu- facturer, with om Punch quite agrees, and thanks him for ‘* bettering the instruction,” which he ventured to give in ‘‘ Millers and their Men.” ‘*To be Said or Sung.’ Ly the recent controv about Church Music, reference is made to the old direction which preceded the present rubric, that the Lessons “‘should be sung in a plain tune, after the manner of distinct reading ”’—1.e., monotone. We have certainly got rid of the monotone, but only to substitute for it, too often, monotony. VOL. LXXVI.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [January 25, 1879, FIREWORKS AND FIREWORKS. (Lord B.’s remonstrance to Sir W. V. Harcourt.) i Mi iN ,\ \ yA 4 . ve . : 3 5 : N We yj WW Sa Lo \s AY = ~ * a \ A \ \) 4 \ y \\ Tuovex fireworks, my dear Vernon Harcovart, Common fireworks go off and go out, calm ; Are much to my taste, as you know, And leave me in Your squibs I would sooner by far court If they ’d rather less in them of “ go.” Are you sure you ’ve not mixed, here and there— As your ic so large is— Play-rockets, mere flight, fizz, and glare, And war-rockets with damaging charges ? But yours have not : As, I’m sure, you’ Bear in mind, when one’s ’Twixt twinges to come e’en the ll et to learn. one ert For banging a squib in one’s eye.

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January 25, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ea i" "iy Wh ; | =e WAM 1/, ; mae hs | | = EP FINANCING. Tommy. “On, GRAN’PA DEAR, I ’VE BEEN COUNTING WHAT MY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS WILL Cost, AND IT JUST COMES TO TEN Saitumes. I’ve sAveED uP ONE AND SEVENPENCE. CAN YOU ADVISE ME WHERE TO GEF THE REST?” |! All the more when, like your squibs and crackers, the Earl of Beaconsrretp, K.G., in acknowledgment of his ey are not the small innocent things high character, higher statesmanship, highest genius, One associates with Guy Fawkes, but whackers &e., &e. ; ’ With a loading of hard fact that stings. (c) To the Strong-minded Seventy-Five, to support the movement , : for placing the down-trodden women of England in every Then—rockets, with me, just at present, rempect on an equality with their male tyrants—except in Are things that less prompt smile than frown ; liability to serve in the Army, Navy, or Reserve Forces. For if they ’’ve a sky-flight that’s pleasant, (2) To the Indignant Three Hund and Eighty-Two, to They have also a stick that comes down. support the movement fer bringing all Cevil Servants having , ‘ih any connection’ with a rative Store under a scheme won 6 os toe-tied, must stick of nine hours’ daily dies tar. at ninepence per hour. H © payaic o think of th rtd Grumbling to be followed by instant dismissal. e dae poh ah 0 jw oe 9 he air! (e) To the Virtuous Forty-nine, to support a movement for of the rush up through the air! making the consumption of all alcoholic drinks and fer- mented liquors § (f) To the Emerald Seventy-five, to support any Parliamentary PLEDGERS AND PLEDGEES. movement, constructive or obstructive, leading to the " . ‘ emancipation of Ireland. Norutne like pledges, whether in matters Parliamentary or (g) To the h Six Hundred, to support any and all move- Parochial. Tie up every man who aspires to serve his country or ments emanating from Dr. KENEALY. his parish in a public capacity as tight as you can, and you know (A) To the N ormist Hundred-and-ten, to promote the ht a gp have him . times a -. when “ eetgecss ng ovement fie the Disendowment of the Church of England. fe tions for promo em are many an ive, i) To i * thie is doubly nece g y (¢) e Hig! urch Twenty-five, to support the movement y ” e principle of pledging is of common for the increase of the Episcopate. - to e@ great - is a, ore a [With liberty to add to their number, as movements are set something—and the more gs the r. in this : edgees way can we be sure that he will represent in the Collective Wisdom | *®"® ate Suseapt thamateven. } an ascertained and prescribed amount of the Dispersed Wisdom of the constituencies. On this principle we should be delighted, at the Wie, fer Game. Gandy! next General Election, to find that no candidate would have any > ’ v chance, unless he be prepared to pledge himself (as the case may be) (A Rebuke to Glasgow Bank Sufferers.) (a) to Oe Radical Five Hundred, to support the movement for| A HatR of the dog thet bit you: Starting a lottery to pay your t of Lord Beaconsrrexp as the cause of the | losses at Unlimited recent bank failures, and generally as a traitor to his Constitution and the ; (b) fo the Conservative Five Hundred, to comport the movement} Sten or a Harp Winrer.—Mr. Parwett is on a tour for organi- for raising a national monument to the Right Honourable! sation of the English Home-Rule Associations.

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28 PUNCH, OR T E LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 25, 1879. ma a UN PIED A TERRE—UR. (Caution to Young Ladies.) It 18 WELL TO KEEP YOUR FEeET WARM WiTH CARRIAGE Boors, BUT IT 18 | BETTER NOT TO FORGET TO KICK OFF THOSE LuxuRI0cs MONSTROSITIES BEFORE | ALIGHTING ! Hd ved ye i a? LI OUR AMERICAN SHIPWRIGHTS. Tue Government has, according to the Times, ma- terially augmented the strength of the Navy by the addition of— “Tus Heraisnorr Torrspo.—A small to boat, which has just been constructed by order of the ee Board of Admiralty at the well-known Herrishoff Manufactory Works, Bristol, Rhode Island, U.8.”” This vessel is described as, though little, a multum in rvo, and @ marvel of ingenuity and destructive re. er acquisition reflects very credit on Mr. W. H. Sarrn and his colleagues; the rather that, like men of business, they have purchased her in the cheapest mar- ket. But fancy that market being an establishment at Bristol, Rhode Island, U.8.! mn the Government to America for a to o-vessel, what is likely to e of the British Ship-builder, unless he looks mighty sharp after himself ? A Question to be Very Much Asked. Tune has been another of those terrible pit-explosions, attended with wholesale loss of life, but too frequent in the mining districts, at Dinas Colliery, in Glamorgan- shire. It is stated that Mr. Cuuss, whose certificate as manager of the pit in which the explosion has taken place was 4 short time ago or six months by the Inspector of Mines, after careful judicial inquiry, in consequence of gas having been allowed to accumulate in the workings, has still been virtually left in authority, though the ent has no been changed. i tion of course, be ¢ y inquired into. Lf it be true, it may be said to be a case not only of a Crvse’s lock, but of a Cuuns’s dead-lock, on life-pro- tecting mining legislation ! A Hasty Conclusion. “‘Jusr what I’ve been expecting, this ever so Ue roared stout Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE, stout High Tor and fine old English Gentleman “ all of the olden time,” on hearing that ‘‘The American Constitution had gone to Old Harry!” He was much disgusted to learn that it was not a case of that offensive Democratic Government collapsing, but merely of one of igates, the Con- — grounding off Swanage, on the Old Harry ock. IN MEMORIAM. E. BW. War, ¥.3. _ Ene isn Art has losta prominent and distinguished professor in Epwarp Matraew Warp, though the loss of him will leave a less sensible gap in our Academic array than it would have left some years ago, before failing health impaired his keen conception and weakened his vigorous hand. But looking back from the dark foreground of his premature death over the long and large labour of his energetic life, what various and animated groups, both English and‘foreign, rise on the mind’s eye! With what distinctive form has his powerful pencil filled up the pen-out- lines of CLARENDON, and Grammont, Pepys and Evetyn, Deror, SosWELL, and Gorpsmirm. And besides his scenes from the history of vur own English and Scottish revolutions, how pathetically he has embodied some of the saddest memories of that of France—the troubled sleep of Lovts, and the watchful labour of his once proud but now piteous Queen, in the Temple pae—Se agony of the Royal Mother’s loneliness—the sad abours and sadder amusements of her innocent, imprisoned children ! How much emptier would be our Historic Gallery had this vivid painter not laboured to people it for us. Measuring our debt to him by his best work, it will be acknowledged to be great by all who believe—as most English-speaking people be- lieve—that Art has now no better function than to re-create the life of the Past, and to preserve the life of the Present. Natural Resutt or Co-opgration.—Counter-irritation. GREAT FIRES MADE EASY. Ir you have fire-buckets, always hang them too high to be got at, or they may be tampered with by mischievous people. If your water-pipes are frozen, wait till they thaw, rather than put yourself to the cost and trouble of keeping water ready within ol which will be useless as soon as the frost (always brief in this country) is over. } If you have an Extincteur on the premises, see that it is kept well out of the way, as the sight of it may put the thought of *‘ fire ” into nervous people’s heads. Be careful to keep secret the position of your hydrants and fire- | plugs, if you would not have them made playthings of by ‘‘ our bys.” f the event of your keeping a private engine, do not keep crying “Wolf!” by perpetually practising your people in the use of it. Be sr careful where you keep your engine-house key. you will have to buy another. : Generally, trust to the a! of the moment, and the stimulus of La for d 5h -~ or ae ot dangers to ee ee ife and property are e. Nothing so developes presence of mind and readiness resource as a sudden demand them, and these are invaluable es which it is well running ‘the risk of an occasional fire to encourage. Intoning v. Mis-Reading. In the controversy lately raised concerning Church one very strong argument for intoning was unaccountably omitted. If a Cler, of a ing disposition had to intone the Marriage in Service, he would not read it in whe PISS uacue® ve Sep Loon ital a My st manner of exaggerated pathos an ° perhaps a pity that sermons are not more generally intoned.

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January 25, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. : 29 . No. 18. A Calm. Wrtu1am Van pe Veuve. The Dutchman : OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. has a real appreciation of Che onc-os competing which ought not to 2 be ower | mak: it’s ‘spemeeey (Visits the Collection hd Old Masters, and reports thereon.) 0. 27. Sharp, bon may qu, Thames: Portraits of the — Would I miss the — i Aaa 1" af Zorrany, R.A. ‘ Sharp” ’s “Old Masters when they Ho 32. Portrast of Dr. enol Ww caste. | Jolly, by ype ig not for y rake feet, pietharte, —toake as if he taken enough © oung Missuses in | “" sa ag, Portras William, Fifth Duke of Devonshire. Wi- 4 fi \! th Yer — ® shil- | cra A but i week-ayed His dress evidently er A oS eae for. - poe b to fot the créme de reine. : mr book = apeeil T|,, No. 34. Portomi of Garrick eg ie 2 Jougun 2 Z Onz ART, bay 2 * al — Da z VioLErTe lo presented myself in B the pd , as ‘‘ GARRICK’s ch is be tiated of Burlin House. be ke byran acted ’ particular bs pick oe big One Old Master took my hed. umbrella. This will be a ; ror if iasaaer $ or a water dog, it must ’ hate: mi a “then Jog - valuable picture. I wish I Lady. He \, could get an Old Master to | N03. Bonin, : | ie oxic Grones Ro bp pill! take me, full length, gratis, | Sith ry * cane rm fee oe e);| and let me sell it for my own | 54 ¢ha ~ship des crtainly his favour with "Hg the Catalnpas brefatial ep. sh Pi ink oy. Te gan meg ge R.A. Mar- vellous satin, but unhealthy com 4 Compare ao ations GF0 given ; for No. 45, Prince Willian Fe hae ederick — Sir rr horgh REYNOLDs, —— P.R.A.—who is Peay ME sa boy. No, 39 is a consum =e “The numbers follow from | boy, but this health vei is a consuming boy. But how well M left to right.” me ved i Oe Boot for any length of ne; Ww. seems to case Wi Pe Be ee No. 42. Portrait of Mrs. Lee fos Grorce Romyzy. The and the visitors did not fol. | 8eeond wife of Lez Acron. Compare this with No, 20, and the low from left to right—| motto should be ‘Second Thoughts are best.” which zigzaggeration would So far, and no farther, at present. I have not as yet got to the have been as puzzling as a | Italian Masters, from whom a great treat may be always anticipated kit-cat’s but went | seeing how great Guy were in oils. Why, their sardines an straight along. anchovies, in oils, alone, a to have established their “ ’ A ro utation. The The only Italian talian Art all Englishmen must detest is that : Paig hing ee? the the Padroni, as panatioed among the organ os and boys ; pee head and shoals ” _ . pee school of Ytalian —the very basest form of Art, whose — Pritt ore aan pak oe = Neen ne Se Hig eee reside at re’ —_ meek Green, Hammersmith (vide Why doesn’t a Schmonge: |S ily Telegraph's full account)—must be dealt with summarily adopt this convenient abbreviation ? Instead of “‘ fine Cod’s head and the’ te. The public be content to leave this School shoulders, to-day, Ma’am,” why not, ‘‘ fineCod’s Bust, Ma’am ?” of Taian esign to the Court of Chance. . Rihe Erg abbreviations are used:—d. Born, m. Married, d. Died, So, no more to-day, Baker, thank you, ll REPamsuyrartive. This is satisfactory ; specially r. for right and /. for left, though, perhaps a little arbitrary. Science Made a Little Easier. “In the sizes of the Paintings the height is always placed before the Now modern Geologists, deep under ground, width.” Have Brach to for erackjow a bd om py This is the only puzzler. Why should a preference be given by Let those who for crackjaw names care not a fig, any painter to a tall man over a broad one? should fre be Rechristen it, “* An uvian Pig!’ alway 3 placed before; width ? Ina Picture bal ery, or a theatre * The name given to a new genus of Rebrinmeion mammals, recently nothing is more objectionable than for a giant, full length, to come and found in the lower Eocene beds of Transylvania. (See Science Gossip for lace himself before me, who am only a three-quarter figure? No— | November, 1878.) ut as I see on the first | page of the Catalogue that it is till “under revision ”’—which seems to imply that all the information is given Wants. “‘ under correction ”—I venture to move the alteration of this e by omitting the word “ always ;” so that, some allowance being made| Tue world knows nothing of its queerest wants, any more than of for exceptions, the breadth may sometimes be placed before the its greatest men. If we want to learn more of the strange forms som This is but fair, and then the rule will be as broad as it’s | taken by & Some, ve Rg do better than ones me er re) ong in a recent num hich instructive medium for communica ' No. pe. Rtn y- of ore, Hastiogs. P JOHANN Sooper, R.A. | between those who have and those who seek, we read— ‘ n such a waistcoat ore e a farmer—a rabbit- Warren ANTED, si pullets, not laid yet. Exchange for Hamner fy a My a of eu did He rash spenee W Gandiouan, "(Blackheath.) - : , ave said to Zorrany, as OLIVER MWELL to y, ‘* Paint : unlai me as I am, or I won’t give you a shilling,” only for a man who Rite pe: Fm Blackheath, Gentlemen must be a drug, or 4 was so mixed up with a Begum, certainly was a most un- |? & rarity. dress to be taken in, Perhaps the waistcoat, from this co of view, Ls apabelio af hie datecionn, Poor man! he looks and serious; and the portrait possesses the merit of being more MOTTO FOR THE CONSERVATIVE CANDIDATE FOR NORTH NORFOLK, like a Hastings than a Bright’un. Pass on, Gentlemen, pass on ! a Tityre, tu patule recubans sub tegmine Fagi. No. 13. Portrait o A. Lady Whicheote. Tuomas Garysnoroven, Bucotic Birkbeck, *neath big Beech recline, R.A. Ah! what a !—not the Painter, but the animal repre- And ‘ditto’ swear to all he may opine. sented with his paw in my Lady’s lap. The Spitz dog shows real panting as well as real painting. No. 17. Charles James Fox. Sir Josnva Runes, P.R.A. Worse LUcK! Quite the For populi. But it is Fox after dinner. The F = ane Tx severe season has the wolves into the fields in France. Gra He had more than his usual ain? wt oe i i t the wolf to i Vdc me A quan tite unable 10 to Hagion? is wees of oe. hard times have brought the wo pronounce m of the Bill lyi y British Coneitution” and m bak yo Affairs of the India Company. ” In this condition, Fox could PERIODICAL FROM are WASH. only have sat for his portrait ; to represent him as standing, except} Mr. Suetycnevs has adopted into his his wardrobe the title of a for an dlectian, saust tnve bows © place of thr Seuuea'e Sales, jen He calls his clean shirt “ Once a Week.”

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30 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 25, 1879. ** a ee) LO H os “WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS.” SoME ASTHETIC PERSON HAS SUGGESTED THAT A FAMILIARITY WITH THE SPLENDOURS OF GREEK ART SHOULD BE FOSTERED IN rHE YOUNG, BY MEANS OF PLASTER CASTS FROM THE ANTIQUE, AND 80 FORTH. THIS I8 ALL VERY WELL. BUT WHAT IS TO BECOME OF MODERN BurtesQque AND OpgraA-Bourre, IF THE Ristnc GENERATION IS TO DERIVE ITS NOTIONS OF FEMALE LOVELINESS FROM THE VENUS OF MILO, FOR INSTANCE, OR THE ELGIN MARBLES? AND WHERE Is THE Ristnc GENERATION (WITH ITS EYE FOR BEAUTY THUS CORRUPTED BY EARLY PRECEPT AND EXAMPLE) TO SPEND ITS EVENINGS WHEN IT REACHES MATURITY AND OLD AGE? WE PROTEST EMPHATICALLY ! “OF ONE MIND.” (FOR ONCE!) The twain awhile may hold, ow seem to hold, The door they deem the solidest of porches ; At one for once! . It seems a curious chance That finds such constant foes in coalition ? Roundhead and Cavalier in friendly dance Were a faint parallel of their position. A fellow-feeling makes us wondrous kind, _A common foe creates uncommon friends ; Yet it looks strange to find these two combined, To seek by divers means a common end. Fear makes queer Comrades; when the prairies flame But ’tis not so they ll guard each his own fold Or quench the fire of those intrusive torches Push Prince, push Pontiff! set your thews on strain ’Gainst Democratic sect and Social schism ; Repression and anathema are vain ; rute force ne’er put down an insurgent “‘ ism.” e secular and spiritual arm, : Full many a time before have joined their forces. But despotism and dogma cannot charm Opinion’s tide from its predestined courses. Panther and fawn huddle or fly together. Lxo and Orro playing the same “ Encyclical and Muzzle-Measure both, ; Proclaim pode 5 of storm, +, Se weather, Pig-sticking”* laws and Voices Apostolic, So two wayfarers on a winter’s day, Are impotent to check the ugly growth f When winds and water-spouts combine a pelter, That Priests and Princes b: as diabolic. In any covered alley on their wa The plague’s root lies beyond your nostrums’ reach, Together find a momentary shelter. ' The ill defies the regimen you boast of And your joint effort to secure the breach Is an effort, weak, if made the most of. * The gracefully humorous Chancellor so describes his processes of ruthless suppression and expulsion. But fear’s a brittle bond. ' The burly Prince Would keep the door against a dreed intruder. Lzo may at his reiter-rudeness wince, Yet deems the common foe might prove still ruder. Otto may ery @ aide ! in battle’s press, Yet like not his auxiliary ; while Leo, The Force of Example Loving not Orro more but danger less, ‘ : Lifts for his help a quavering Laus Deo / Tae London Phenix Gas Compena, to show what gas can do, hig | have lately been ameliorating the illumination of a stretch o Partnership limited to try, protem., __ | Waterloo Let both Company and Publie give thanks to The drastic, or Soll 0 style of treating ; | Mr. Eprson, whose essays at dividing the Electric Light are rousing While, like twin Partingtons, they strive to stem | the Gas Companies to discover how much they can do to improve A tide whose rise may shake both in their seating. | their Lights of other Days.

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"1 ‘is purpose was 45 20 non-periedie junctions issued for th societies, 58 periodicals, and In addition, 62 persons have been expelled.—(erman Letter.

number of in i the clubs and

ins are being spared to crush out Socialism. Up to

$0 al

In Germany no he he of ~ i to plying 2 ap pu and thus

y ordaining almsgiving of | t ’ is so impatient yelical. Socialism seeks a revolutionary mey , which, b erty of which Socialism PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 25, 1879. wealthy.— The Pope's E TLL tee CMO MIG a aa Z saws an ewe ee ee re? a ae (<= CMM po (Ahh. sat Ase lle bAAP TAS cee = + 1 2 y, AML MEP EG ro op ite is reconciliaticn to the Church corrects the tho poor to the The solution to all the evils for which “ remedy,” the rich, reconciles

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ave cuf th

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January 25, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 33 SAFE AS A BANK. (Hints for the Times.) into one basket, and watch tt. If you hold Railway Stock, no matter at what inconvenience, live on the line. To enable you to do this, become General Mana- ger, or Superintendent, or Country Station - aster, or something. Rather than not be on the spot, take a signal- box—anything. Once installed. 1 ook per - sonally after your /)own property. To do this— Pp” all your eggs (1) Daily count the ‘whe e of the roll- ing stock, and see all it is all ther @), Get ‘hold of the Cashier in the evening, pump the ——- daily receipts out of him, and put them down on your cuffs ; (3) ) eae ereest standard works on ‘‘ Economic Averages,” ear and Tear,” “‘ The Coal Question,” “Labour and Capital,” ‘‘ Metallurgy,” and ‘ ‘Popular Recreation,” and then find out, by Alge ra, your an of a dividend within six months ; ‘and (4) Keep on good terms with your brother Shareholders, by asking them to a blow-out occasionally, as a set-off to any blows-up they may be treated to on the line. know ‘‘ where you are’ mere half-yearly cooked If your property isina bY live at the bottom, and never leave it. xamine rien shovelful of ore, or anything else that may turn up. Do thisin company with "two analytical chemists and a practical engineer, and take care that you never, all four of you, go to sleep together at the same time. This i is your only chance of safety in a mining investment. When you have got 175 per cent. on your money once or twice, it is better to sell out and end your days in the elegant security ‘of the Three per Cents. f you have got anything in a South American Republic (guaran- teed), go over at once, foment a revolution, and assist at an armed attack on the Treasury ; you will thus forfeit your capital, but if prompt in your movements, and not shot, you may possibly secure one dividend of three per cent. Should you have been persuaded to try a Joint Stock Bank at home, do not lose a moment, but marry your daughters, or your sisters, or your nearest female relations, to influential members of the direction. Then, while there is yet time, and they are off their guard, sell your shares and withdraw your deposits. This is the only safe way of investing in a Joint Stock B Bank. Finally, if at a loss, as things are, what to do with yous money, bury it in yess garden, and sit over it with a loaded revolver. You will thus be in a position to meet any sudden call without panic, ?in a te and not be at the mercy of a Squenched! Tux Lorp Mayor has declined to give cates of Protection to proclaim England’s ope their own exploded nostrum of tyin oat ys u may work oe fight the better. No for this short-sighted party as the Damper the City should say ditto to Wuatm.. Guildhall for the advo- y distresses, an one hand behind you application so fitting or once the voice of The Prince Chancellor in his Part. Tue Prince of actors on the political of E is tn} doubtedly } Prince Bismarck. He way be be said to be facile Princeps. In s however, as that of the Chan- cellor in the a part, Rd. Federal Duet, we may | be allowed to regret that Bismarck should have taken to ‘‘ gagging.” Having done this, or as much of it as you can, you will at least he of accidents to We have all heard the proverb of ‘‘ Locking the door when Se os seasonable version is ‘‘ Roughing the shoe when horse is stolen.” the horse i w down.” Bu the a ama is the . ower ¢ at Lo screws, but screws with screws. shown us the “ ought ere this to have ta ta he ra practice— 7a id ear ser bt and masters so m insist, and fa yoy too knowing to alter. the ways are familiar with, that bring them in jobs besides. Yet it does not seem so difficult w ae horse is 4" te i insist that pies bd cr free from pe FAL to k slippery pond B. w be A FLOWER ON THE ROADWAY. ' Tuts is the time of o8 yous for ocomotion, never than thaw test to "the q pharm oy the qualities of roads, and aggravate horses. is, after all, a rough way of giving Jack Frost aaa Pekin sae on their legs, and in seasons of up with the screw-peg that serves the ical when ions connected with ternations of frost and the risk be kept when the rs do bh need parposs & of ro twice the effect, ts as long as the shoe. noes of horses insist on being done, and grime yore fet tad Ged farriore 8 Go tn,—oven at the Svolliation of ‘ poor ignorant furriner But besides the og from road- -ways, which is confined to brief terrupted of Jack Frost, 4 there is another , to Pee hich always sub- yet doct, fr from bate into hills lows, m omar > i horse and man, increase the | on oe as on horses. Let any poor soul, whose needs take him on wheels along the Embankment, bear witness to the jolting discomfort due to the irregularities of the road-way. laid as many years as it has weeks For the cause and remedy of this » invoke the testimony of our excellent old friend and Stratford-on-A the F than any man to deliver our with letters on the the truth of which witness :— “The London streets,’ he writes to the Dai with stones of nearly three inches of sand to fill up the interstices ; which is crushed down by the steam iron ro the road smooth for the moment, but as soon as the traffic road, the sand works up, which is forced to be scraped off and removed in the pressure of the heavily laden vans u larger underneath, instead of crushing them, produces the belts 8 and inequalities on carts; then the surface.” ‘* Macadamised” these sort of pavements are said to be. But these layers down of three-inch-gauge road-metal take Macapam’s name in vain :— “T knew Macapam well,” writes Mr. invariably good, and even, and wore bao stones was never more than two inches ; and allowed the contractors to increase the amount of wages a Age : reap the wales expanse in the =e quent needless who use the roads.” The weight o of stones by Macapam, to all sons of Apam the Safest of all ¢ in the matter of mending their ways, was6oz. Now, the rage heey on our are often times as heavy. Let Mr. Frower “ keep thing is done, and Mr. size. owners of ‘horses, and carriage- g-bearing-rein. He has been bombarding the dull ear of the town ful state of our London road-ways, to who have to drive over them can bear ep pegging ay some ” at the su to heli till oe to | Such peggers ought to peg veritas, major est inertia—and horse's chose screwed, or London road-metal To matter. They, ifthey please, can drive our pegs home, It couldn’t be worse, if it had been F, FLowrr—the Flower of who has done more from the cruelty of the of Hips ily News, “are now repaired uge, on which is heaped a large yore d en a heavy coating of gravel is r, Which makes the surface of begins to wear the pon the stones LOWER. for the me oe - Fes auge for the size O Falers soon became careless, ¥ course they ut the subse- upon the rate-payers and those to some Seeneen at if it Magna est it takes & mighty deal to get a to the proper payers of rates, we recommend the Ir Joun Kusxxn’s Oxford be in any way deal more than a farthing PAYING A GREAT DEAL TOO DEAR FOR OUR WHISILER. “itt oat, Sea aple Ruskin, then Mr. Wuisttex may boast tha’ damages at v. he has done a good to the cau of Art ia Tagienl.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 25, 1879. ST fe Y v tI" ae | ‘sham TiS ‘7h . i. ais NACL) MULAVS iW L t Til nN | fo ih » t : , : _, | FAMILY PRIDE. Street Arab. *‘ THEY COULDN’T TAKE MY FATHER UP LIKE THAT—IT TAKES Srx P’tickmen To Run ’1im 1n!” DIRECTORS’ BALM OF GILEAD. Great General North-East and Great Western Terminus, London Bridge, Waterloo Road, Bishopsgate Street Without. CrncutaR No. 2,037. Tue Directors of the Great G. N. E. and G. W. Railway Company having given full and careful consideration, to the numerous complaints which have reached them, through both public and private channels, of shortcomings in the management of the Lines under their control, as well as the able repre- sentations to the same effect of many eminently respectable deputations, feel it their duty to acknowledge that these complaints and representations have very considerable foundation in fact. : ey are reluctantly compelled to admit, what it would be idle to deny, that irregularity in the arrival of trains is the rule, and that this irregularity is invariably on the wrong side. That preventible accidents are frequent, owing lar short-handedness on their lines; to deficiency in brake-power and machinery, and objectionable construction of carriage-steps and sietieeuns : at station and carriage accommodation are in many respects insufficient ; and, lastl y; . That fares onee raised, are never, to the best of the Directors’ knowledge, ht down again. he Directors feel further bound to admit, that season-ticket holders, in eerepmes have good reason for dissatisfaction with the rise in the price of their gely to overhours and While, as regards other grounds of complaint, too numerous to particularise, ow have no hesitation in | that pagngere have not det yee with consideration they might not unreasonably think they had a right to expect for their money. They trust that these candid admissions will show how ready the Directors are tli, to consider and investigate all reasonable complaints and well- su Under these circumstances feel that there is b to the Di A they ere is but one course now open They hasten ‘to take it. Mere promises of amendment, it is felt by the a would Be at once em g and undignified, an would only end in difficulty to the Directors and dis- appointment to the public. : ‘he Directors have come to the conclusion that the ease can be more satisfactorily met by an —— of sympathy on their part. They, therefore, hereby beg leave to express their sincere sympathy with the public under annoyances caused by circumstances over which they, the Directors, like the public, have no control. (Signed) Smooruenr, Secretary. “WE SHOULD BE SEVEN.” (Adapted, with apologies to the shade of Wordsworth.) “The truth is (said the Lonp Cuter gnome that this Winter Assize has brought the whole of our ings into a state of confusion, “Mr. Serjeant Parry asked in what way the Court was going to proceed—as to the order of business. “The Lorp Carer Justice.—Upon my word, I have not myself the most distant idea. : “Mr. Wappy, Q.C.—May I ask whether there will be any Nisi Prius sittings ? ' “The Lorp Curer Justice.—That, I may say, is perfectly impossible. My brother Hawkrns has to go to the Central Criminal Court on Monday, and has to leave for circuit on Wednesday. There will then be only two Judges available—my brother Pottock and myself—to sit in Court, as my brother Freup will be at Chambers (Mr. Justice Lusn and the new Judge, Sir Firzsamzs StEPuEn, being occupied on the Criminal Law Commission). Therefore, Nisi Prius sittings would be impossible. ‘ . “Mr. Wappy said that this, even though it was only negative information, was of some value in the present state of chaos. “The Lorp Carer Justice.—Meanwhile I find that the arrears in the Courts are such as to require the constant sitting of the Court in banc ; but there are only two —_ available, and the Nisi Prius sittings must be suspended for six weeks though there are 850 causes entered for trial.’’—Sittings in Bane, Queen’s Bench Division. ————-A legal Sage, Who'll blaze up with a breath, And thinks the Bench is sat upon, And rides his griefs to death. - * 7 I met a Judge, of Judges pearl— So every said— His wig was thick with many a curl, That clustered round his head. He had a testy, reasty * air: In silk robes he was clad ; His patience spare, and ve Its shortness made me sad. ** You and your brothers, here arrayed, How many mote you be?” : ‘*How many? Seven, at least,’”’ he said, And fiercely scowled at me. “How seven? Are two upon the shelf?” **Seven,” said he, ‘‘ there should be; Here’s Brother Pottock and myself, And Brother Frexp at C., And Brother Hawxms, Circuit-owed, And Brothers Lusn and Sre- at the Criminal Code,— -PHEN tink’ri And that’s the lot, you see!” ‘* You are two here, at Chambers one, At Codifying two ; You sum up seven? It can’t be done, That sum, not e’en by you.” Then did that testy Judge reply— “Seven. Don’t you to me ; With less than seven no Nist Pri- -us sittings shall we see.” ‘** Then how will Courts and Causes fit ?”” “* Pray what is that to me? In chaos of arrears I sit, That cleared at once should be.” * Stubborn. Used of a horse that backs agaimst its bat— North Country Glossary. spare,

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Jaxvary 25, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. sas For, Gate Save poor SP ed may be seen ’— a suty udge — ‘* Behind the ioap—aie sheets and more Of cause-lists side by side! ‘* My brows before them oft I knit, With many a w and hem, And often feel disposed to sit, And scold in front of them ! ‘“And often when the sitting’s up, And the Court’set all square, 1 squeeze the bitter in my cup, And sip it slowly there. ‘* There ’s brother Frexp in Chambers staid, And better so, say I, By wild attorneys’ clerks though bayed, That fight all ways but shy. ‘* Of Lusn’s work I should be fain, And StTEePHEN’s—it seems play, Making the Criminal Law again As good as new, they say. ‘* HAWKINS on circuit’s free to go, And here let chaos slide ; And brother PoLtock’s temper’s slow, He can arrears abide.”’ ‘** How many are you, then ?”’ said I, ‘* Tf their four hells are heaven Compared to yours?”’ He made reply, ** You say five—I say seven.” ** You ’re five, you said—with you for head— But five—including SterHen.” ’T was throwing words away, for still That testy Judge would ove his will, ‘* Five, but we should be seven!” Building Up and Keeping Down. Arter studying Professor SzEtry’s Life of Stein—the | corner-stone of the Prussian Constitutional edifice—the | great Statesman who regenerated Prussia after the First Napotgon’s attempt to crush out its national life under | his heel; and then thinking over what Prince Bismarck has done, first to consolidate, and now to control, Germany, | Punch is struck by one thought—that if Germany, a | A SLIGHT MISTAKE. her distress, is asking for bread, Prince Bismarck, at | ‘“Wet, Nunse, DID YOU FIND YOUR WAY ALL RIGHT TO Str. JAmEs’s Hatt?” least, is not the man to give her a “‘ Srer.” “Yes, THANK You, SiR.” ‘*‘ AND HOW DID YOU LIKE THE Curisty Minsrrets!” ‘* Wet, I WaS RATHER DISAPPINTED, Sin! THERE WAS ONE OF THEM AS | PLAYED ON THE VIOLINGSHENNER BEAUTIFUL, WHILE THREE OTHERS KEP’ ON Tae German Press is very sore at the English com-| rippin’ as I THOUGHT THEY ’D NEVER LEAVE OFF; AND THEN A GENTLEMAN ments on the Bismarck Parliamentary Discipline Bill.| yp anp saANG, AND THEN A LADY PLAYED ON THE PinwANNER. Bur wons OF Better be sore under the sting of British comments than | rag Faces WAS BLACKED!” under the lash of Brsmaxck’s Discipline. [ With Mr. Punch’s apologies to Messrs. Joaghim, Zerbini, Ries, Piatti, and others. oo BETTER A WORD THAN A BLOW. EXAMINATION PAPER FOR PARLIAMENTARY | cl, c2i¥ty imtotals, the expenses of bill-posting per square mile of oarding? How many dozen board-men, per mile of street, would CANDIDATES. you ounmiier sufficient for the proper dissemination of your political . ¥ as | opinions : (In Prepa ration f - the next General Election.) . | 8 How would you conciliate the following interests—(a) the 1. Waar is the first preliminary to offering yourself as a candi- | [icensed Victuallers, (6) the “‘ Working Men,” (c) the Retail Shop- date for Parliament ? " | keepers, (d) the Home-Rulers, (e) the Nonconformists, (f) the 2. Having ——_ an agent, define, as summarily as you can, | (hurch- nion, (g) the Women’s-Rights-men and women ? your duties to him, and his to you. 9. Denounce in effective lan for the husti the P ‘ a. pay , scale ; guage for the hustings the Per- incu =~ + eerod _ = “7pm an “‘ influential deputation” | .issive Bill and the Civil Service Stores. 4. State briefly the manner of receiving such a “ deputation,” 10. Describe in outline the duties and rights of a Committee. applicable to different styles of reception—(a) Modest, (5) Cocky,| 11. In what proportion of public-houses to population are rooms (c) Serious, (d) Facetious, in answer to the request that you will allow required for the proper performance of these duties, and the proper "hea to be brought forward as a Candidate for Parliamentary | ¢nJoyment of these rights ? ; onours ?—(a) Liberal and Anti-Jingo, (6) High Jingo and Im-| 12. Describe the various modes of canvassing. How would you perialist, (c) Neutral and Safe. proceed with (a) a leading vestryman ; (6) a strong-minded female ; 5. Draw up an Address to the electors in each of the above three | and (c) a baby in arms? aes wish ers enumerated in last question. State loyusbetleally) the| 13. Give in algebraic symbols the amount of pressure which will proportions which in each of such addresses local should bear to Im-| render it incumbent on a candidate (a) to shake hands with a questions. Dispose of British Policy at home and abroad in| chimney-sweep; (6) to partake of five o’clock tea in the back par- sentences, of four lines each—(a) From the Right Honourable | lour of a leading undertaker. : W. E. Grapstone’s point of view, (b) from the Right Honourable; 14. In what preaten should = subscribe to the following local Earl of BEAcoNSsFIELD’s, (¢) from your own. institutions :—The Hospital, the , the Regatta, the Town _ 6. What would you consider « reasonable charge per line, for the | Pall, the Artisans’ Teast-and- Water: Mutant Impegvenest ig ow f insertion of such Address in the columns of the local journals ? and the Ladies’ Cough-Lozenges-for-the-Indigent-Deserving p

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36 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 25, 1879.

15. How many rooms would you engage in the Party Hotel for the election, and what would you be prepared to pay for them ? 16. How would you tan elector if he called upon you sud- denly at your Lo ? 17. If returned, many irrelevant questions would you under- take to ask in the Sion how many superfiuous returns to move for in the course of a ion ? 18. Express algeb: y how disagreeable you are prepared to | make yourself to Government or the Opposition as the case | may be. 19. And, last most important of all—ean, yon produce a | really satisfactory er’s balance, in proof of t soundness of your ons f

| THE CIVILEST KILKENNY CATS. A Striking Correspondence, P Buildings, Block A 1. nah Daas Fi + TR, comes, asking your for t roubling you a letter upon <i an ant subject; but ny duty my wife, chil- a my thousand also in your em- t, forces me to in upon your pri- vacy. I write to ask, on behalf of myself and mates afore- said, for a rise to £2 a week all round. ; Trusting that you and ag 8 esteemed ily are ' am the enjoyment of per- fect health, I remain Yours most respectfully, (Signe: A. Worxkrvemay. M. Prorer, Esq. _ Mr Swellington Park. December 3, 18—. My Goop Frienp, THERE was no 0c- casion to apologise to me. I am always delighted to hear from the good fellows I am happy enough to be able toemploy. You do not do yourself justice, when | you call the subject of wages an ‘‘ unpleasant’’ one. In reply to your request, and that of your mates conveyed through | you, for a rise to £2 a week all round, f can only say that I sincerely | wish that you may get the money you seem to desire. At present, | however, I regret that I do not see my way to helping you in the | way you wish. | Hoping that your wife, your little ones, and all your mates, are | well and happy, I remain

Yours most truly, (Signed) M. Prover. Peabody Buildings, Block A 1. My Dear Sr, December 10th, 18—. Havre taken counsel with my wife, my children, and my | thousand mates late in your employment, J am glad to inform you | that we have come to the conclusion that it will be advisable to give | up work for a short time, until you see your way to give us a rise | to £2 a week all round. | Trusting that this will cause you no inconvenience, I remain, with grateful regards and compliments to your esteemed family, Yours most respectfull Mr. Workrveman. M. Prorer, Esq. (Signed) A. Wieashense. Swellington Park, My Goop Frrenp, December, 18th, 18—. Many thanks for your very courteous letter. | tell you that I have consulted with my friends in the same line of | business, and that we have decided to lock out not only you and | your thonsand mates, but your and their mates in the same way of business. |. Trusting that this will cause you no inconvenience, and with many kind wishes for all the members of your and your mates’ home circles, = = e me, Mr. Workrveman. (Signed) M. Proven. I write to a quarter of a million of | H

The Workhouse, My Dear Sr, Christmas Day, 18—. I write to‘tell¢you that~ circumstances over which’ I have no control have forced me to give up my old nicely-furnished rooms. This letter is headed with my new address. Still I cannot help wishing you a Merry Christmas. Yours most respectfully, (Signed) A, WorxkrNemAN. Back Parlour, 22 Araminta Villas, East. January 1st, 18—. You are very kind to think of me in these trying times. As we have been obliged (for reasons of a iary character) to give up Swellington Park, and are in the co ion of moving to our new residence, you must not expect a long letter. Yet let me say‘a Happy New Year to you and yours. Yours most sincerely, (Signed) M. Prover. M. Prorer, Esq. My Goop Frienp, Mr. WorxKINGMAN.

FIRE-WORKS AT WOKING. Tue movement not long ago started to substitute ‘‘ Cremation ” for interment appeared to have come to a standstill. But a ‘‘ Cremation Society ”’ has been established, and is now actually in working order. It is already in course of erecting, under the name of ‘‘ Cremato- rium,” a regular ‘“‘ Bustum” at Woking. ‘‘ Bustum”’ or “‘Cremato- rium,” which is the preferable term? Which will read the better in advertisements and railway time-tables, ‘Woking Crematorium,” or ‘* Woking Bustum” ? e worst of “‘ Bustum ” is the disagree- able sound suggestive of ‘‘ busting ya Whether destined, however, to be denominated ‘‘ Crematorium” or ‘“‘Bustum,” the Cremation Works at Woking are indignantly denounced. by the Vicar of that parish and by certain of his flock. They appear to look upon Cremation as a burning shame, if not sin. Strange to say, too, the London Necropolis Company has thought it necessary to repudiate all art or part in the matter. The Secretary declares, in the Times, that— “The Necropolis Company in no degree favour such preparations as are now being made in the vicinity of Woking for incinerating the dead. The regard Cremation as the residents of the parish regard it—namely, wi abhorrence.” Naturally. In the sight of the Necropolis Dempeny’ and a business point of view, one would think there could possibly grow no plant more detestable than a Crematorium or a Bustum on beh Common ; although, for the people in the neighbourhood, instead o a ner plant, this would seem to be, on the contrary, distinctly a hygienic one. It seems superfluous of the Necropolis Company to disavow con- nection with a Cremation Plant. But that plant happens to be rearing its head on land which was formerly their own. Hence the need to explain that— ‘*Tt is true the land now in possession of the Cremation Society of London originally belonged to the Company, but it was purchased from them in the ordinary way, aud they never once anticipated that by a second purchase it would pass into the hands of the Cremation Society, to be used for a funeral pyre. Had the Company had the faintest idea that the ground would be conveyed to its present possessors, no inducement would have compelled them to part with it.” But the world is more than wide enough at Woking for both the Crematorium and the Necropolis. Persons looking forward to the — of that subterranean City may be gratified by the assurance that— ‘The mode of interment now widely known as the Earth-to-Earth ’ strongly recommended some years since by Mr. Seymour Hapegwn, in elo- quent letters to the Times, is that which the London Necropolis Company endeavour to carry out.” As to ‘Funeral Reform,” in fact, the Company’s views are Liberal-Conservative. But they protest— ‘The Company cannot countenance the burning or by subjection to the action of quick-lime.”” No doubt quick-lime is as bad as Cremation, and both the one and the other must be equally painful, at least when epelares for the decomposition of insensitive organic remains. Quick-lime is only a sort of earth, a little more expeditious in its action than common earth, even under the arrangements proposed by Mr. Seymour ADEN. By the way, dear Mrs, MaLaprop, cuntounting Se eminent § mn and excellent etcher, with the partisans of as against earth, and givin him credit for something more in the way of the Arts than he is quite entitled to, wishes to know when the Sacred Harmonic Society are likely to perform HapeEn’s Cre- of the dead either by mation ?

&@ To Corresronpents.— The Bditor dues not hold hinself bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed envelope y for Contributions. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a Copics should be hept.

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PUNCH, ‘OR THE. ‘Feeudar 1, 1879.] LONDON CHARIVARL 3r

THE ART OF QUARRELLING.

Quasamaaame, coram , having become og one of our revognised f fathioiihble amusements, or lawn-tenni es for its conduct, « oa may not be without ‘heir utility. “the £6 general i are d from a careful consideration of the many cuous the ‘yallis has lately been entertained, In the first case, as a sort of preliminary training for this pastime, it is éssen- tial to divest yourself of all sense of Geed-latine, fairness, and self-respect ; and get rid of all such fatal weaknesses a8 cotirtesy and opetiness to conviction. The art of disputing with dignity and if it ever existed, is a lost one, eres yg: bgt de | on. p> na SS oe ote. = the wiitunt nod es as seat elt Whe icles pene volition, and has no oat this aaah arbitrary and irrational better for the special intinen 9 in con- | p templation. The poor Sor or yg ot a that you are o greatest, and best of mankind, is a verso principle to start wii You must then ay, & contentious t ind bore Pit pet opinion is diametri 8 your own. You have no “Tea to ied | with dogmati directness, tha our next step is he is wrong, suggest, with wets that eae ae tor not agreeing with ~~ Ui wil serail improbable contin which need hardly be y retort in kind, and then game is fairly set going. You thereupon sit down and menta re joinder. This is the easiest ink, an e freedom from gentlemanly. be to say aan what i is true, but what is g; tot be pertinent, but what you shrewdly fbegine will be fairness or of kindl uld réb your invective of

y feeling woul its Any wee must be smart and scathing at any cost, Every sentence should be so iM as to imply your own serene superiority, and your adversary’s urabi degradation. This, which in ordinary circumstances might seem * ear page is a sine qua non in quarrelling, which, like patriotism, covers a multitude o sins. , The ‘**vah-hco” style of derision in favour with street-boys, and the ‘you’re another” fashion of retort, characteristic of silly women on t e wrangle, will be found valuable auxiliaries. Comparisons, the more a * olorous” the better, are also essential. The suggestion, more or less subtly conveyed, that your opponent is of asinine extraction or simious descent is effective though, from constant repetition, a little stale. Entomological epithets and reptilian analogies, greatly in favour with fervid men of nius, are more offen- sive, and therefore more eligible, weapons of assault. It has been truly that there is nothing like hitting a man with a frying-pan; if it does ~ 4 hurt him, it may dirt him. Abuse suggestive of foul sights and evil smells is sure of some effect, if only upon your opponent’s eyes and nose. The sum of your jeremiad may be beside the mark, its epi may smell at once of the lamp and the gutter, but that does not matter. You have the sweet consciousness of havin; concocted a crusher, and may complacently await a reply. It come, and will probably be yet more irrelevant in its arguments, laboured i in its diction, malodorous in its epithets, than your attack. It is de égle on each side to maintain a fine show of indifference to the prick of their versary’s pungencies. {The pon insincerity of the assumption adds oth srt of thing cn r ed until the oth sort can po until one party or other of it, or resolves w appeal to the law. In th the Tisat bese ‘ho ell carte have wasted a of his time, in the second he will probably waste also a eon- siderable amount of his money.

on from, the rok operati names lie mo’ a Pune and a great With that,

Such are in outline the chief rules and regulations of the new Round Game of Unlimited Shindy. SHOPKEEPERS V. STORES. A Depvurtation of London Tradesmen waited yesterday r. Punch to solicit his intervention to rescue them ruin they believe themselves threatened with by the competition of Co-operative Stores yom As at as they fulfill me 71 ComptTenk said that establishmen and Mili Stores. A word su comes compel the authorities to prohibit ‘this un- Mr. h thou eee prenibition would do more um | good than ET at Stores. For his own

a iT employment | bet what vants su = po Bg ip often said before, that It is a game only fit for noodles and cads, but has attained a considerable, +e a it may be hoped fleeting. ~~ larity amon vised Gentlemen and misguid of Art and Letters.

was headed b Mr. "TrLLKINS, who fears in prolix piteous terms. r. Punch said he had himself no dealings with Co- a 2 Sees He continued to 4 op the trades- yr gee all his life. They s ~~t— him tent with the honour of ne tape as he these con- e his custom. In what wa tlemen he saw before him e Government allowed Co- to .* carried on under the ents, and oe Civil Service, Naval, from Mr. Punch, he was 2 tae PEP USIDE on the lowest sonsle oe aay ced than otherwise a Revived sounding name— on eg if he didn’t know better, TON Sold ask Mr. Punch to request the to_discourage Co-operative Stores con- offices, either by say motorielly reducing or increasing their hours no time to practise any ry were paid for with the that nothing could prevent Civil Ser- ia bine to or taking shares in any com- greater = the more their salaries were Mga the necessity for their ca in corm ie B nts Mr FIe¢stER 0 ~~" g cel Free Trade had been in the my. Punch replied, that so had ce, and found wanting. groceries, provisions many other commodities, and shortness of Ba was too often combined with adulteration. Co- elanogge sold genuine articles by just weights Co-operative Stores never allowed house- or ie or siker servants a commission on bills. If who started Co-o genes Stores were the Shop- , Agormy let the from their enemies, Gebuy, avoid long credits and bad debts, and be conten arr moderate gains. They had on their side all the ad vantages of experience ; and there was one cellence in which they could always compete with the Civil Service, namely, kept in stock, he un erstood, at t of civility, as he (Mr. ony was busy, he would valuable time, and would wish them a a yo take lessons in —. < ow due discount for ented point of ex- in civility, which was not always ey Stores ; and, talking gs then particularly esire them to take up no more of his goon morning. Mr. Punch bowed the Deputation out of his office, and Toby courteously saw them down-stairs.

Peace, Peace! Puyncn to implore the mercy of his Correspon- — who Keep on ringing th J e changes on the name of lied to repeat, what he has won't have PEace at any Punch aor price. REASSURING. Tue “Patent Railway _~ is not, as might be imagined, a new torment tor the ng-sufferi one traveller, but an arrangement fo oe advertisements in y carriages by

VOL. LXXVI.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 1, 1879. YE Ld “TIENS TO! DONC TRANQUILLE!” (With Apologies to M. Datoy.) Demand and Supply. | Distress without Disturbance. Tue cadging who have lately been making suburban neigh-| _ THe prevalent distress is undeniable ; but where are the Riots? bourhoods vocal with the information that they ’ve “‘ got no work to| We should very soon see, had not Free Trade made the necessaries do,” may hear of something to their advantage by applying to the of life as cheap as they well can be for the masses. The renewal of nearest police-court, where they may be provided with ‘work todo” | disturbances would pretty soon be effected,by the restoration of in the shape of a few weeks’ turn at the crank, with intervals for| Protection under the name of Reciprocity. refreshment in the shape of oakum-picking. | WHAT MIGHT BE EXPECTED. VEISTUNS AND VICES. Wir a view to re-establish the Imperial Legend in F the “* Traces out of joint” indeed! Which reads absurder ? French Imperialists are naturally going in for their familiar peliey, T. uth charged with libel, Peace with wilful murder? | Divide et impera.

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Fesrvary 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ' ae an | oe THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. Ir Wa8S A BRIGHT FROSTY NEw YrEAR’s MORNING, WITH A GENTLE East WiIND!—AND THIS OLD GENTLEMAN HAD TURNED OUT TO CATCH THE EARLY PosTMAN, EXPECTING THE USUAL LETTER FROM HIS Son-IN-LAW ABOUT THE HAMPER FROM TOWN—INSTEAD OF WHICH HE RECEIVES AN APPLICATION FOR A SUBSCRIPTION TO THE CRACKBRAINTREE LUNATIC ASYLUM. NO WONDER HE LOOKS OUT oF TEMPER ! FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. Being a Brief Record of a few Winter-seasonable Visits to certain Country Houses. Visit tHe Seconp.—Cuaprer XI. Invitation — Surprise — Captain— Regimentals — Hat —Sword—Pic- ture—Probabilities— Peter Dermod—Explanation—An Impor- tant Character—The Hutch—Alterations—Spiral Staircase— Chilliness— Preparation. AN invitation from Mr. and Mrs. Fetrx Prion to visit them at their country house, The Hutch, Halfshire. I had accepted Puzron’s invitation in Town some time ago. Two things come upon me as a surprise in connection with Ferrx Prztor. é first is that he is only ‘‘ Mister.” I always thought, till now, that he was a “Captain.” At the Club, the hall porter and the waiters have myn gy of him as “Captain” Priton; and him Captain. I had not looked in the t was his title, and it never occurred to me that, for on asked by a stranger, who might have seen me i ——e ro age a=, is Captain Priton!” uiry r, any } Captain’s regiment, I should—in the absence of any de- finite information on the subject—have resented the question, as im- a doubt of my friend’s character. When you tell any one that is “‘ Captain So-and-So,” you naturally expect to be To be asked, immediately afterwards, ‘‘ Cap- ?” sounds like a sneer, not only at your friend, but at much as to say, ‘“‘ What! you know a Captain! i must be! Get out! he’s no more a —at least, that is the impression that such a y mind. Still, I admit that I’ve never been replied in an offhand manner, ‘‘ Oh— ing a man “‘ Captain” unless he were a|i mw, “‘Who’s your military-looking friend?” I|j Priton P—he’s Captain in some Hussar regiment”—as, when in doubt, I always choose ‘‘ some Hussar regiment” for any friend of ine, as it ing, and is the sort of regiment I should have joined, had I felt, in earlier days, any inclination in that a ; My notions about iments, and, about the Army generally, admit (I admit to adn publicly) are more than a trifle v » My idea of a Hussar uniform for ee is founded meen a full- eng. eee > HOM years , when I was a boy. Where I saw it, 1 don’t know, as I might have confused it with some brilliant sign-board—but I don’t think so. It represented a Royal Per- sonage in Hessian boots, with very tight-fitting, cherry-coloured Laie id spurs, maroon jacket covered with gold embroidery Ww the way, was spangled about in very conspicuous and pwn Lt te suggesting the idea of the tailor having a job lot of gold Yrnid on hand, and sticking it about wherever there was an opening, in sheer despair of ever rid of it,—and a sort of eon ly ~. — something I been called upon to the

Page 44

[_— | of you, does certainly denote a vast amount of coolness both on the 40 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON [Fepavary 1, 1879, ~ ie S *g3 repens £25 s FORSTERS © Pret & Gia - NORFOLK: BVMPLING Yon 4 S0P NOT EASY OF DIGESTION. Eminent Person’s coolness in battle—for to be standing. quietly with your horse, in an attitude, having your portrait painted behind a curtain, while one of the fifteen decisive battles of the world is raging outside, within a few yards L 0 rt of the and the artist,—or whether the whole thing was ideal, and the Eminent model, | Person was not a General atall, any more than my friend Prion is a real Cap- | notions of a Hussar have a | tain, is only known, I ee. to the painter. ways | asked, ‘‘What Prrton”—or any fri | surprise to everyone, when | prise—for me, at least But however this may be, my been —— by this picture ; and when I am end of mine, who calls himself Captain, ‘is a Captain in ?” Linmvariably reply, with a touch of profound astonishment at the ignorance of my questioner, ‘* In the Hussars! ” I say to other friends, “‘I always thought Prrron was a Captain.” return that they had always tho to inquire. They ht 0 too. No one had ever taken the trouble We had always preferred to think of him as a Captain, and it is a inform them that he is not a Captain. Another sur- —comes out on the occasion of this invitation—and that is that Pruron is a married man. ““Oh yes,” says Peter Denmop, who knows everything about everybody without anybody knowing as ty all about Aim, ‘‘ Prcvrow’s been marri for eighteen years, or more. y, his eldest daughter is quite seventeen.” We ask Perer Derm vp, ‘‘ What’s Pirron a Captain in?” “Some Yeomanry regiment,” replies Perek, readily. ‘‘I think it’s Lord Metrpew’s Royal s. There are about sixty of ’em: Gentlemen farmers, and landowners. They go out about twice a year, and have a dinner, and an annual ball. It’s more to encourage the breed of horses in the county than for anything else. But it’s a handsome uniform.” We are satisfied. Pruron is a Captain, when he’s at home. And he isa Captain in order to enco the breed of horses. eTER Dermop is going down to “4 a few days with Prrron. We are to meet there. He wishes he could £3 longer than a few days, but he has so much on hand just now. ‘I can’t,” he says, with an air of mysterious import- ance—‘ I can’t spare the time, my boy, just now.” Perer Dermop is a man to know. You never hear him spoken of as Dermop without the Perger, and should somebody who had only met him casually, ask any friend of his “‘if he knew Dermop,” he would be immediate/ met with the rejoinder—“ Dermop? You mean Peter Degmonp,” and the casual acquaintance will perceive at once that not to know Perrk, or to speak of him as Dermop, argues himself unknown. Perer is supposed to be an Irishman. On occasion he affects a strong brogue, but no one can fix his county, if Irish, nor can anyone be positive as to his nationality. He is consulted on everything by everybody as an authority, and is presumed to have access to authoritative sources of information on most subjects connected with politics and finance ; and as he possesses the art of pretending to conceal his ound knowledge, and at the very crisis of an animated discussion about the Government policy, when appealed to, cajolingly, CHARIVARL with, ‘Come, Peter, you can tell us,” will shake his head knowingly and walk away as if silentl _ begging ee not to press him, Perer is ted wi sing intrusted with such as t determine the 7 of an, & the fortune of any speculator in foreign ° Priroy gonsiders himself fortunate to have secured PETER Beker, who, I have always heard, is full of a and the very best of company. Clearly a treat 1s in store. I go down to the Hutch, Halfshire, and find a con- siderable party assembled. Pere is anxiously expected. The Hutch, Halfshire, is a pester bouee, in a charm- ing -W situation, and, like Rome, was evi- ently not bu 4 9 dar by whiee I mean that the a been, Y, together es, by diff se | ir i e wi oierrent opin! ions. The rm-house type, with inted roof, of waste for box- s and lofts. Then came someone who th Pit weed be ches r to add than rebuild, and W & feet Fee verandabe. This second owner de- t into ou 0 ded oor facing greg an th room, eenvertng the door into ty ndow, one nh aon entrance on the east side, under a veran gentleman considered both his at once decid t the drawing-room must be where me itchen was, that the ee ae take Ay : e -room, t the oor, with a ca drive, should be on the West, that the verandahs should remain, and q garden door occupy the place of the dining- ‘com window. en came PIETON, who took The Hutch because, he said, ‘‘He saw what could be done with it”—which, apparently, up to the present time, at least, turns out to be very little—except, that as a commencement, he has employed an architect to draw plans, which are to in- clude turret, ae a spiral staircase somewhere. His one idea is the absolute necessity in every house of an iron spiral staircase. It is so convenient, and so inex- pensive, and so useful in case of fire, and then he adds, as a recommendation, ‘“‘ It looks so light.” The ad- vantage of such an ap nee apparently being, that, ° in the event of some dishonest person being struck by the practicability of feloniously abstracting it, like Samson with the gates of Gaza, he would find, to his astonishment, that, though it looked light, it was un- commonly heavy. Beyond plans, Prron has done nothing. The last owner had added a wing and a storey, and offices and stable. The wing appears to have been built by some- one who had a faney for variegated tiles, and who thought that the effect of these relieved by Swiss chalet woodwork balconies, and narrow casements, would be in admirable contrast to the architectural notions of the previous builder. “*Tobject,” says Prxrow, “ toregularity and uniformity in a country-house.” Pruron is inclined to ‘burliness and baldness. He likes putting his hands in his pockets and objecting. Not much ever comes of his objecting, and very little from his not objecting. As a rule he objects, without proposing an amendment. He om commits himself to a decided opinion, but usually either represents himself as objecting, or not objecting. Mrs. Przton is a quiet thin person, who seems as if she had been shrivelled up by a north-east wind, and was ready for a shiver at m" Happy Tho At (but not for the hom it most appy ught or person w wt n cohseraah A constitution knocked all to shivers. } Mrs. Prtton is always languidly projecting, and Pr- ton decidedly os The result is, that they stop where they are, at the Hutch. They don’t quarrel. The girls—three of them with ancient Saxon Christian names, indicative of Mrs. Pr- ToNn’s aristocratic ancestry, for she has rather come down in the family’s estimation by pre fs, | Prtton (at least so Perer informs me)—the girls side with their mother on every question; they all project, and Prurow goes on objecting. Pruton objected to the family fone to London, so Mrs. Prion projects a atthe Hutch. Prron objects to too large a ‘ . PILTON projects a sizedone. ‘‘ It’s for the girls,” says Perr, shrewdly. portion is

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Fesruary 1, 1879.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 41 I arrive, with Peter, in time for dinner. Pitton shows me to my room—a bachelor’s room—with, so to speak, scratch furniture,—Pritow haying objected to unnecessary expense. ** It’s not a warm room,” says Prirow, standing before the empty grate, with his hands in his pockets; ‘“‘but 1 object to a warm room: it’s unhealthy.” I say politely that I also object to 400 warm a room ; and I glance at the fire-place. “We tried the fire,” says Prztow, ‘and it smokes horribly; perhaps it’s only in thie wind, or perhaps the chimney ’s a bit damp. Sut 1 said to my t yon wonlda’t mind, just for once and away, not having. a fire.” ‘Oh, dear not” J ¥, With @ serious smile, wishing to good- ness he had told me ited me that he was gomg to put me in a small room a fire, ished with a small chest of drawers, which has to serve for a toil table, and a washing-stand, on which there is no room for a -bottle or even a bath-sponge. “* You'll find the all right,” s; ‘it’s only a small iron chair-bed.” I see that, it: “but,” he goes on, “* I don’t object to a small iron t-bed myself.”? No, Secllane not; but then he is not going to sleep it. ™ (Happy "Thought. 3 9 » when I do sleep on it, I shall think ened, ppears, doesn t object to a small washing-stand, h ILTON, i obj a small washing- e doesn’t object to the top of the chest of rowers serving for a toilette- tale, wr object to no in pom, Bae, apne, candle ess by, nor strip of carpet, nor to the blind only coming half-way down, not » there being no bell, nor to the draught from door to window, nar to my catching cold—in fact, he doesn’t appear to object to an dioagrocable that may happen to Me. And I cuppoms he doesn’t obje my leaving to-morrow, as I certainly shall, if I’m not more comfortable. “HOW WE WRITE NOW.” (Adapted from W. &, Gilbert, Esq.) ScenE—An Enterprising Manager's Sanctum. Enterprising Map- ager discovered at desk, in a very new hat, posi a omere e, an turning over leaves of Micuet Livy Fubuyst latest Cata- logue. , Enter W. SHaxsprare, Jun. Enterprising Manager. Ah! how do, my boy? Well, what can I do for you ? Shakspeare, Jun, Give me an answer about those five Acts of mine. Enterprising Manager (looking towards a shelf loaded with MSS.). Well, it will take its turn with the rest, my boy. I give them all a fair chance ;—take six home every night, and read them before I go to bed. (Poking at them with his stick.) By the way, what was it ? When did you send it in? I don’t remember. Shakspeare, Jun. You’ve had the scenario this three months. — we run over it? nterprising Manager (rising). Can’t just now, my boy. Very sorry, but I’ve got an appointment at twelve, and it’s only a quarter to. Some other day. Shakspeare, Jun. Really this is rather cool. I’ve come up all the way from Stratford by train. _Lnterprising Manager. Fact is, my boy, scenarios are no good. You write your five Acts and send ’em in (looks at watch), and then we can do business. Shakspeare, Jun. But is work done no guarantee for work pro- mised ? Surely after writing some thirty stock-plays—— Enterprising Manager. Yes, yes, I know. Capital, every one of’em. But are ’re just as likely as not to tip us a frost to-morrow. There ’s no relying on what a man Aas done, or what he’s going to do. It’s what he does that fills the house. That’s why we go to Paris. A man knows what he’s about there. Shakspeare, Jun. (reddening), Oh! I see. Enterprising Manager.—Don’t you twig? The whole thing’s done to your hand— , business, lingo,—everything! It’s steal- Ing one’s brooms ready made, all but the mere Englis stead of the French be = up rough. - i ay . ook of new French piece.) ere is the last big thing at the Palais Royal. I’ve secured the English right. Cost me a pot o’ money. Put it in your pocket, and run over it, or, better still, run over there and see it yourself, and then do it into English for us. The less talky-talky the better, but work up the comic business,—and make the patter as ay as you can. I was going to giveit to Jowxs: but you shall have the job, my boy. Your name will make a food ine in the bill ;—and that’s always something to the good—eh ? colour, in- lish, on the handle. But, look here don’t tell you what I'll do for you. (Takes u 'P | The Church had no elasticity in the old days which preceded the PROGRESS BY RECIPROCITY. (From Captain F. Burnaby’s Prophetic Protectionist’s Primer.) 1880, Tue great principle, that ‘* The A small > —- only for the benefit of the r, not the trader for the necessity of the community,” universal] by all enlighte Statesmen. The ab of Commercial Trea- 1881, ur Champagne sold at Public Auction, at ‘ . First_bot- 0 oy leather a worn at ey Tireshes, -room et-bats of Rpoeral use. urlington » Y goes into policy of the Government towards America. Im- of uartern quidation. atl a os loaf sold at on i sold a g we a ¢ Bhothe for' Ide, ath buns made of plaster of 1885. Serious bread-riots in the dining-room at the Carlton. Rye, pnts, and Revalenta Arabica publicly sown in Hyde Park, the Lon Squares, and Temple Gardens. 886. “Sugar, spice, and dry food” retaliatory measure carried. Glycerine first taken with tea. The Lord Mayor’s Banquet held as usual—the menu consisting of ‘‘ red herrings, calf’s liver, and beet- root dumplings.” 1887. “* Anti-retaliator” writes to the Times newspaper from ‘* Araminta Row, North Kilburn,” to complain, that though his | family consists of four, and meat is only ‘‘ seen in the house on one Sunday in six,” he finds, with present prices, he spends over £4,000 a year. _ 1888. Chocolate and Mutton Chop smuggling commences. Ex- tinction of the iron, cotton, hard-ware, and other industries. Uni- versal emigration. Peers have to fetch their own coals from the pit’s mouth. e Lorp CHANCELLOR takes Drury Lane Theatre for an amateur performance, and reads CaMPBELL’s Last Man to an empty house. 1889. Wolves appear in South Kensington. Five-pound Notes sold in the streets at the rate of four-dozen for one walnut. General exodus of everybody. Last performance but six of Our Boys. 1890, England ceases to be a recognised portion of the ‘‘ habitable = Departure of the Beadle of- the Burlington Arcade for onaco. cost-trom, to tale. ‘The Gener Bristol Vous r i preade. ristol Country Butter CLERICAL CANT. Ow behalf of the Rev. Mr. Canter, Vicar of Clewer, charged with aes Ritualistic performances into the Church Service, a plea has been founded on the ‘elasticity’ of the Church, which gives full play to its different ‘‘schools of thought.” As to “elasticity,” the question is, how much farther the Church, by Law Established, 1 stretch without breaking away from the Law, with which its. relations have long been strained ? modern influx of India Rubber within its pale. Neither did it then ge m= any ‘‘ schools of thought,” properly so-called. If it had any ** schools,” were not schools of thought, but schools of division and dogma. the Church of England were really divisible into schools of 7 it would hardly present the present pitiable and i spectacle of schools in an uproar. [Pats him affably on the shoulder. Frit W.8., Jun., with what appetite he may for his adaptation job. A Map Bvutt.—Anybody insane enough to buy for a rise in Turks.

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PUNCH, me 7 1a NDON CHARIVARL (Fesrvary 1, 1879. Bias | mney, Wu MAG AAA VA LO A CHAPTER ON NATURAL HISTORY. Jack, ‘‘JusT LOOK AT THAT SNEAK OF A Rosin! Wovtpn'r Clara. **CaTaputt A Ropmn! For sHame, Jack!” Jack, ‘‘Ou, IT’S ALL VERY WELL, BUT IF THERE Is A Brrp I uP TO YOU IN THE WINTER, WHEN THEY WANT CRUMBS—JUST LIKE THE FELLOWS AT SCHOOL WHEN YOU’VE GoT A HAMPER—AND THEN, IN THE SUMMER, WHEN THEY'VE GOT THEIR HAMPER, THE qn . v4 rrr my I CATAPULT HIM IF I HAD A CHANCE!” HATE MORE THAN ANOTHER, IT’s A Rosin, THEY COME SNEAKING Y WON’T LOOK AT You!” 7ARRY ON ’IGH ART. Dear CHARLIE, THE picters you sent me were proper—my style to a touch. I’ve had’ _ hung up in my den, and my pals like the style of ’em mucn That gal in Turk Sona is a screamer. well there ! She’s as spicy as them there Swell photos, as set arf the town on the stare. Wot eyes! and her figger!— That’s Art, my dear boy, and no gammon ; that name _ Is no pa than riddles to me, and 1’m blowed if I’m fly to its but lots as now goes by gam “ Wot of that, festive bloater ! ?” sez you. kidney, old pal.” Right you are, but I ’ve bin in it lately, wus luck, all along of a gal. “*Taint the sort for your She’s a kind of a sort of third cousin of ours, in town on a visit to So I’ = had to come the star-walker. She has got the rummicst | E shibition and galleries and that is Aer mark. Just imagine, old Stone i oval picters, engravings, and such-like artistic cold seran ! The things that I’ve seen this last fortnit ! sin ; Yawn-shops every one; but then Loo has prime eyes, and her Guv’nor has tin. And so I’ve bin doing the rounds, and, though I mayn’t be much of a judge, Seems to me, for a chap up to snuff, your "Igh Art is just out-and- out fudge. I ’ate exhibitions like | Elevating the masses be blowed! Anteek ? Wot ’s the good of your blooming ‘ lot of old scarecrows in blankets, barefooted, and big in the beak. ‘—— Long a jolly long shot see the poses or Madame Two- And I ventured to say so to Loo, who declared she was shocked at my wo Stone gals ain’t my mark, not a mite; only fit to stick up in the Or list Genes in a Music-’All lobby. The stone-chippers give their- | selves airs ; But sandals, and swords, and rum togs, all atwist and chucked on anyhow, } . | Though they might have been nuts to the Greeks, ain’t the right sort of thing for us now. Such togs area floorer to me. I asked Loo how she’d cotton to wear ‘ rig-out like Venus or Physic, or some sech a name as that ’ ere: (Loo rhymes it to Crikey, fancy. Ain’t Sikey a neat sort o’ namel) Of — she just sniffed and shut up, butit nailed her, old man, e same. I like ashe os as is limbs, my dear CHARLIE, and faces as ain’t got the ks ; A fig for your - Classical attitoods, wobbles, and slommocking walks ! — saints on the goggle, and mooney young women in With far’ muslins all twisted tight round ’em don’t elevate me, I must say. Loo says I’m a reglar Philistian ; I faney she means that for chaff. Gottata wos of the Coane inches, and J ain’t five foot and a

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~ i PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Fesrvary 1, 1879. HERCULES AND THE WAGGONER. MY LAD! AND TRY ‘ CO-OPERATION’ YOURSELVES ! "—Old Fable. Hercvtes. “PUT YOUR SHOULDER TO THE WHEEL,

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Fesruary 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 45

=

But if he preferred the Police News to picters of gals in a faint, Set me down as a match for GoLiaTH in that respect, blowed if I ain’t. When I see them old fogies in marble, I think wot a lark it ’ud be To paint ’em my. blue, or dab on a moustarch, on the strictest Q. T. You penal the spree we once ’ad, when they ’d showed us some blooming old 4 ’Ow I waited fall no one was looking, and just chipped my name on his cheek ! The masses won’t get ‘* stand. Wot we want Ae a picter is flavour and “‘ fetch,” and yours give it me gran Loo may valk, but the whole Classic lot ain’t worth one of your screamers from Parry And there’s heaps of the same way of thinking as Yours qliqueetiy, ARRY elevation ” from things as they don’t under-

VOICES OF THE DARK. (From Mr, Punch’s Own Ghostly Reporter.) [) iP MEETING of Commercial Ghosts was held a few nights since on the Thames Embank- ment, to seotent | Gil against the Civil Service Stores and | so to offer shadowy sympathy to the London West End tradesmen. Fol- lowing the ex- ample set by the retail traders of to-day, these unquiet spirits of a bygone’ time elected to preserve their incognito, and our representative was supplied with no names. Under ’ these circum- waneat, the report of the proceedings necessarily assumes a somewhat vague and shadowy character. The Ghost of a Gentleman with a red nose and a very hoarse voice was called to the Chair. He said that it gave him the greatest onan pleasure to preside at that meeting, as he was a thoroughly English Ghost. As an out-and-out Englishman in the flesh, he had loved sound | w: port and unsound a ent. He admitted that he did not know very much about the subject occupying the attention of the assembly. But what of that? He had seen a report of a meeting of some of | s' the eee of Co-operation ; he considered Co-o English practice, and on the speeches deliv: at that gather- ing eminently English d simply admirable. (‘* Hear, hear !”') Co-operation was a a (Cheers.) Co-o tion was a snare, eer yee Co-operation was the favourite instrument of . (Great .) Co-operation was the invention of slaves. ( oh — ) _He would now pause to take a gc breath and some refr In the meantime, he that the discussion would not be towed to languish for want of ers as enthusiastic, and, if possible, more argumentative than the humble individual who had been so unworthily valled to the Chair. (App/ause.) The Chairman having retired to the Shades, the Ghost of a Hand-foom Weaver ad the meeting. He said he could but too well understand the tradesmen’s objection to ration. About a hundred years ago a — barber, called ARKwRIeHT, had ruined his (thes we 8) trade. He and another, by their invention of machinery for spinning cotton-yarns, had comple gear every honest hand-loom in "the he North of England. (Cries of ** Shame !” Rae it wasa shame. And what did the Government of the da Why, as they now allow the over-paid and under- worked C + od in the Public Offices to crush the retail tradesman— the very men from whose earnings are wrung the P agian es they receive for warming themselves at ro reading the Times for five hours a day—so they then allged he os wood and iron of Arkwricut’s Throstle {to paralyse the and sinew of a whole country-side, and to rialoe the ration an un- y thrown out of shuttles of a whole region of industrious looms for the benefit of a few monster mills and their bloated owners. ,. (Loud cheers.) They even knighted the man who had done this mischief. (‘‘ Hear, hear !”) Meets ae by all clear-sighted people that Northern Counties would never upon it. And those who knew the country that languishes under the smoke-clouds of Manchester and the other unwholesome cotton capitals, could say how completely = had been fulfilled. (Enthusiastic cheering.) that prediction The shade of a -Coachman, with a very red ig i wear- i ycaped dra dra + eeee oes, then addressed the meeting. He a great y things he did not believe in. foremost, ya did not "Delinve 1 in Railways. en he was had always said that Railways would be the ruin of And they not been? Look at the times he Totace cna i Why, he too be four wr oa pe road mand Yor y; rE eighteen ar Se now? "Why, 6 nae Wiybd breakfast at the great a a great nd dine at the York Refreshment eople ate as many meals id they eat’em? Wh Latest he hat | d never be Old Phot of Parliament. , eneetion) oS d rd of their Berye the swells in Londen, rl It was re p> Bag houses! puilding Societ wu right if iy pee yb 41 had come ‘A A Country Inn ~~ that i tay: the m Station Hotels, he amed coset living -_ of ’ A ; ng — wn Railway could make a Bey dre up as ortable, old ers”! * Mis- a § ay and Co-ope: DC no wonder he was ashamed of it too. (Cheer s.) # -faced Shade of a Tallow-chandler said the preceding make had not thrown so full a light on the subject as was to be desired. oy A | said : < of mischiet that pee ao | cau y the introduction o 74 and the di ce of the goc Cheers.) He = aera yl believed old oil-lamps from the streets. that the workhouses were full “ decayed Chandlers. The ht ra and Hull whale fleets were no more; and you coul cag obtain a pint of wholesome, sweet whale-oil for love or mone (Cheers.) So much for their new lights. He for, one preferred t ¢ light of other days! and -continued cheering.) The Chairman haying now resumed the Chair, said that, it having been proved in his om beg that Invention was the mother of Starva- tion, and Progress ee to Ruin (cheers), he would ask the = pronounce, y-w Resolution, that the world r ald Be much better oe without ohn railw wey®, ga 8, gas, and ‘ast, ut not least, Co-operation. been brought to the verge of ruin by Free Trade. oo because of the influx of cheap coe can eet by he meen poe vee Russia = the savage tribes of North America. Even so under the curse of Co-operation—— At this - the meeting was in cect cock, w in consequence of the e light having (as one of the speakers grumbled) turned “ nig y,”’ had come upon the spectral unexpectedly, _ the GI Ghosts melted not ‘‘imto thin air,” but their more congenial atmosphere—dense fog ! by the moving of a

Ren hh = a wens oft be iat L that amen ath E, a 2 t is aay, 8 aie fae pot Tresee has ex risen, and if country gone, or be not now going, ier. So f t have is : Or uhore Tha of Franes "fh Tae la M. Dura last crisis be that hi for better tt d not come out

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46 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Fesrvany 1, 1879. i; ry tie oY ns om ma , — a) “Aisi ffs acne , ‘ arn — NINH ih Pan | ~ > 4 > PARRIED. Facetious Parson (to Parishioner, who is not believed to be a rigid hb SiS ** Au, Mr. Brown ! Foous sTAND IN SLIPPERY PLACES, I'VE HEARD! ”’ Mr. Brown (the footpath was in a frightful state), ‘‘So I sex, Str; put I’m BLEsT IF I can!” A FIGURE FOR FARNHAM. Puncu ; Owe of your evening papers, called the Echo, contains the following notice of an honour which some people are said to intend doing to the memory of one of the best, wisest, and test men that Farnham, or Surrey, or indeed any shes in all England, or the whole world, for the matter of that, ever produced :— “It is proposed to erect a statue of WiLL1AM Consett at Farnham, his native town.”’ Observe, the writer of the above statue of Witi1am Cossert.” LIAM CoBBETT,” as some of a-liners would have stu perceived, what a set of bies could never have dis- covered, the ridiculous absurdity of calling a man ‘the late” when that man is acknowled; by all instructed and sensible people to be immortal. _ To be sure, the numerous and useful works of that incomparable Author, whose birth has given Farnham celebrity throughout the civilised world, are monument enough for him. But if, besides, the admirers of excel- lence choose to assign hi a molten or graven image, by all means let them. Perhaps, in order to further the execution of a work of Art which will reflect the highest credit on all concerned in it, you will, if Sms can, inform its promoters where an authentic cast of Farnham’s illustrious native above- named is to be found. The only thing of the kind I my- self can think of is the well-known waxen effigy at Madame Tussavn’s, clothed in the dress he habituall wore, and deliberately rolling its head from side to si by means of ingenious mechani A copy of it in bronze or marble, surmounted with an awning to keep the rain out of the works, would serve for a lifelike statue of your disembodied but constant reader. , Botley, Hampshire, Hades, paragraph says ‘“‘a apcheheskd penny our lea’ - idly said. No; because he Wim Consett. END OF AN ADAGE, A ContryentaL telegram announces that American coals are beginning to be sold at Geneva. Perhaps they Abstainer), | Will soon be on sale at Newcastle. Ovr Greatest Roap-Contrractors (IN ABERDEEN- SHIRE).—The Snow-storms. OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. (Drury Lane for a Début—The Court—Coming Operas—A Reminiscence.) Tue appearance of Miss Kenny, daughter of Cuartes Lams Kenny, at Drury Lane, as Juliet, was the event in the theatrical world last week. Miss Kenny, being entirely untaught, has, natu- rally, much to learn, and to commence her career with Juliet was a bold stroke—too bold, perhaps. She s distinctly, and with re- markable intelligence, which is more I can say for young Mr. Compton, who seems to have become an Irvingite—I mean as far as the own os goes. The best part of Miss Kenny’s performance was the balcony- scene, which was girlish, graceful, and natural. The scenes of more violent passion, as was inevitable in the case of so complete a novice, were the least satisfactory. By the time she reached the death- seene, she had lost full command of her voice, and the wonder was that she had kept it so long. Her organ has still to gain the power and variety which practice, guided by intelligence, will give. The want of training was, of course, very apparent in the com- ectiveness of the death-scene. But for one who, as we are parative i assured, never even saw the play acted, and who played the part in that huge theatre without any professional teaching and with very insufficient rehearsals, her -possession, and the intelligence of her reading and bye-play, were nothing short of wonderful. Still, as yet, this is only promise, though uncommon promise, and for its fulfilment we must wait. The scenery was funny. The qpatheaery, tly, lived in a pilees-caile being A spent his spare cash in facades and i embellishments. If there were any people about, a casual passer-by must have been attracted by his conversa- tion with Romeo. All secresy was avoided. Romeo seemed to consider that “ giving” at the knees was e ive of emotion. The more he was mentally upset, the more gave at the knees. At the beginning of the play, he had been a very upright young man. Limpness was, at the Yast, the prevailing impression he left on me. A more business-like Friar than Mr, Ryper I never re- member. Certainly the a till five o’clock, and if Mr. Ryper had to appear as somebody else, somewhere, by seven, there wasn’t much time left for dinner, and, therefore, I can quite understand the uncommonly short work Honest Jack RypER (as the Friar) made of the last scene. Let any one, who does not remember the details, refer to the play, where, in scene t ‘comfortable Friar” — Honest Joun aforesaid — enters ‘ with lantern, crow, and spade,” complaining of having barked his shins by stumbling over the graves. To him, Balt r. con- verse: then, gradually, he discovers Romeo, then Paris— ity Paris in the churchyard, not the —_ of France—and finally wakes up Juliet. All these are in ‘‘ the monument.” : But with the dinner-hour, probably, in view, or out of considera- tion for the feelings of the audience, not to harrow them up too much on such a bitterly cold day, the “ comfortable Friar” entered abruptly, saw the state of affairs at a glance, exclaimed, without betraying the slightest surprise or emotion, “* What Romeo dead, and Paris too!” —or words, briefly, to that effect—then ike the Pantaloon, when he gives from a Lew aroused Juliet, and observing, like the alarm to Clown who is filching a string of sausages window, that ‘‘ Senshety ’s coming,” he stalked off, without another look at the “Girl he’d left behind him!” It was a fine perform- ance! It showed at what a pitch of self-restraint the ascetic Friar had arrived ; how perfectl could control his feelings; and how even on such an occasion, he could suppress all outward e. of grief, while preserving the gravity of his our and the majesty of his gait. Bravo, Mr. Rypgr! ‘‘ Many have told of the monks of old!” but commend me for a ‘‘ Comfortable Friar,” and a “‘ Holy Sire,” to our old friend honestJonn. Miss Kenny starts with the best wishes of her friends; and her rare intelligence and pluck are good auguries for her ultimate success. One of the best Bills in London—the Divine Wi11aM at the

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Feprvary 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 47 THE WAY THINGS GET ABOUT. Young Smith, ‘*Tuey say THE MIDDLESEX AND JERUSALEM SMASHED.” Old Brown. ‘‘Bosn! I HAPPEN TO KNOW THE CONTRARY.” Young Smith. ‘‘ REaury ? WHO GO SPREADING THESE REPOKTS ABOUT.” THEN IT MUST BE THE MIDDLESEX AND SOMETHING EISE; BUT I DO THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOME WAY OF PUNISHING THE IDIOTS THE (DEAD) LETTER OF THE LAW. Grorce Sarru, of Coalville, a kindly man, whose heart had been moved for the neglected, ill-cared-for, and. too often ill-used wives i of our bargees—that but little known floating population of our canals and rivers,— y by his own exertions in ing the subject on the Home Office and the Collective jolom A at las got an Act pane. Oe pm aw i a in- spection 0 le e origin and efiect of the regis- tration was to bring the bp erg within the pale of school-law ; and one chief object of the inspection was to see and secure that certain elementary conditions as to living and sleeping-space, ventilation and cleanli- ness, were complied with. In a word, the law aimed at making the co fit to live, and the barges fit to live in. Thereupon, Punch very much gery Mr. Goro: SuirH for what he done, and sat down, hugging in the thought that the worst days of the ape women and barge-babies were over, and that old father + | Antic, the Law, had taken these poor outcasts and out- : | lyers under his protection. — But now he learns to his equal amazement and dis- may that the Barge istration and Regulation Act is, in many—if not in most cases—a dead letter ; that in one instance a barge-owner has written in vain, more than once, to the Local Authorities of his native town, asking them to have his barges in and regi He has not even got an answer to his letters. ‘‘ In fact, | it almost seems,” writes Mr. Surrm to the Daily News, ‘*as if those who have the carrying out of this Act— one of the most beneficent Acts of the present Govern- ment—are determined to let it quietly die, and then bury it and nobody know.” Another Correspondent of the Daily News, Mr. Lane- DON, writes :— “To-day I have walked along the sides of the canal from | Hampstead Road wharf to the = Road basin, and visited the | wharves in the neighbourhood of Edgware Road and Paddington, | and have seen between 130 to 150 canal boats, barges, and flats, | and I have not seen one canal boat, barge, &c., which has been registered in accordance with the provisions of the Act.” In the name of those on whose behalf the Act was passed, the women and children, whose lives are lived and often lost, aboard these floating homes, Mr. Punc begs to ask, if the law for their regulation is to be re- duced, not merely to the letter, but to the dead letter ; and, if not, ‘‘ when the registering is going to begin ?”’ Which question, with Mr. Punch’s compliments, he takes leave to put to all Town Councils, Local Boards and other Local Authorities charged, but as yet it would seem ineffectually, with the administration of the Barge Registration and Regulation Act. BANK HAS Lyceum, of course, excepted—is, for light comedy, to be found just now at the Court. The ingenious play—light comedy is its true de- scription—called the Scrap of Paper, is capitally acted. Mr. Kenna reminds me forcibly in tone and manner of the late Mr. CHARLES Martuews, and the scenes between Mr. and Mrs. KEnpAL are very amusing, though the last Act is, a trifle too farcical. It ‘‘ goes,” however, tremendously. But the Quiet Rubber is my favourite, not as a well-written piece, for the dialogue is not brilliant, but as a charming little comedietta with two very clever sketches of charac- ter, which become highly finished miniatures in the hands of Mr. Wenman as Mr. Sullivan, and— “ Mister Hare As Lord Kilelare,” whose only fault is over-elaboration. But the whole performance is well worth going some distance to see, even in this over-elaborated weather. Ere this appears, Mr. Cart Rosa (is it Cart Rosa, or Caar.es Rose? What’s in a name?) will have started with Rienzi and Piccolini at Her Majesty’s. Good luck to operas in English, and to a operas, if we can get them. , to hark back, for a moment, to Mr. Kenpat’s resemblance to CHaRLes MaTHeEws, it reminds me of a ‘“‘ gag” that the latter intro- duced into his part, when he was playing in his own version of the same piece—and being his own version, “gag” was, I suppose, pardon- able. It was, I think, in the last Act; Cuoartes MaTHEWws was the Colonel and Mr. Howe the Jealous Husband. The Colonel wanted to conceal the letter, or tell somebody something—I forget what the precise situation was—but at all events the line he had to say was, ‘* Well I must tell her, but how ?”--when, at that moment, the Jealous Husband appearing at the door, Marmews turned to the audience, and in a very distinct aside au public, and with a know- ing wink said, ‘‘ Ah, here’s Howx/”—which was received with a shout. Of course the “gag” became stereotyped, but the way he gave it was inimitable. The Opera and another visit to the Old Masters must next occupy the attention of Your Representative, DRUNK, OR DYING? Atways practical, and dango humane, Mr. Punch is glad to ventilate a very simple and much needed remedy for a very painful and often recurring neglect. We are continually reading uests on poor folks, who, having been run in as ‘‘ drunk and incapable,” turn out to be dying, and incapable even of saying so. Such cases of ineapability are now left to the tender mercies of the police—gene- rally as ‘‘ incapable” of distinguishing drunk from dying as those they take up—and the comfort of the cell, which, at best, is very cold comfort indeed, and often turns out a very serious “ sell” for all concerned—both the moribund run in, and the repentant runner-in, who meant no harm, but whose sphere of duty was narrowed all round, by his ignorance first, and the Station accom~- on ap. 2, Sane, Savanen of Abercorn Place, N.W., stirred by a very sad recent case this cruel confusion of drink and disease, writes to the Daily News, suggesting— ‘* That at each police-station there should be a suitable room, containing a

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48 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 1, 1879, few beds, provided for the reception of doubtful cases such as the above, or of persons insensibly drunk. Those on duty at the police-station could attend to them under the direction of the police-surgeon, who ought invariably to be | called in to examine cases of danger or doubt, d after a few hours any doubt im a given case would have passed away. Such an arrangement would pro- vide the police with a means of calely detaining many of their cases of ‘drunk and in ble’ whieh cannot humanely or without danger be placed in a cell, and which in many instances under the t system are removed to a hospital or workhouse infirmary, where, as I w from long experience, they not only fill up ill-spared beds, but greatly disturb the much-wished-for rest of a nee number of sick persons, coming as they often do in the middle f the night.’’ Punch presents his respectful compliments to Sir E. HenpErson, and begs earnestly to recommend Mr. Hitx’s humane suggestion to the Police Commissioners. MORE “HECKLING” FOR HAWARDEN. “In response to an invitation from us, Mr, GLapstonz has answered some questions which it was thought would throw light m obscure rtions of hi ography.” —The Biograph. Reasons with which it is unn to trouble our readers induce us to believe that all the questions which were p to Mr. Grap- stoNE have not been pub- lished, and we are glad to have opportunity of sup- ying the omitted queries. ey are as follows :— Be good enough to give the name of the street and the number of the house in which you were born at Li- verpool, and to state on which side of the street the house stood, and whether, to - yourknowledge, an enamelled tablet has been let into the wall (as it ought to be) to acquaint present and future a with your exact irth-place. What was your allowance at Eton, and did you roam about the Playing Fields revolving in your mind the first germ of the Disen- dowment and Disestablishment of the Irish Church ? Did you drive tandem at Oxford? Who was your “Coach” at that University, and was his tutorial connection with you any advantage to him when you held the reins of office? Were you first led to reflect on Church and State from seeing the Esquire Bedells precede the Vice-Chancellor with their silver pokers along the High ? When you were a Candidate for Newark in 1832, did you select the ‘‘ Clinton Arms” as your hotel because it bore the family name of the Duke of NewcastLeE?’ Were you not pleased with your accommodation in that hostelry, and what did you give the head waiter when you left ? When you were a Lord of the Treasury in Sir Rozert Prer’s Ministry, did you frequently visit at Drayton Manor, and can you recollect in what room you slept ? Do you remember on one occasion lying awake “‘ in the early, early morning,” and picturing to yourself the time when you should be Prime Minister ? Before you accepted office as Under-Secretary of State for the Colonies, did you make a little tour through Australia, New Zealand, Mauritius, the Cape of Good Hope, the Bermudas, and Canada ? When President of the Board of Trade, did you make yourself —as with all the duty-paying articles then in the British tariff, and did you devise a Memorna Technica. and hang it over your Sano, to enable you to fix these articles indelibly in your mind ? You have been Chancellor of the Exchequer two or three times, and you have also been Prime Minister—your opinion therefore as to the comfort and convenience of the official residence in Downing Street will carry great weight. Were the rooms draughty, did the chimneys smoke, and were you ever called upon to remonstrate about ao finall ted yourself from the Conserv part When you fi se 0 m ative y; what did you say bo them, and did they give you a farewell dinner ? Were you ever solicited to aid a great metropolitan movement for the re-establishment of Greenwich Fair, and can you remember the reasons you adduced (on a post-card) for declining to countenance such an agitation ? Did you discharge a footman in 1873, and for what precise reason — 7) ane oe was he dismissed? Is it true that he was (on the maternal side) an Irishman, and had his enforced retirement from your establishment any connection with the rejection of the University Education (Ireland) Bill ? Was Sir Ropert Watrote or Lord LiverPoot your model “in the principles, or the administrative art in politics” ? In the event of your remaining in office in 1874, should you have abolished the Income Tax, disestablished the Ch of England, Wales, and Scotland, introduced Universal ge (including the females), repealed the Game Laws, swept awa iture, and bought up all the Railways, Waterworks, Gasworks, and Ceme- teries, and converted them into so many sw! the State ? 4 Have you any “‘ Moral antipathies ” ? If so, name (in confidence) your greatest. Can you give an estimate (in round n rs) of the amount you have contributed to the Post Office revenue‘ the last five years ? Is it a fact that you can repeat all the hay ae by heart backwards, and with the omission of the te lines ? ANOTHER PEG IN THE ROADWAY. Ovr Flower has blossomed into a Bouquet. Not content with his own, and Punch’s solitary “ pegrin away” at the defective laying of the m roads—wo the fault were confined to that ethinently table parish !—he has enlisted a phalanx of and bt Wellers in “‘ the handsome houses,” that look down on Hyde , to take up his ery, and to memorialise the Ty- burnian Vestry in support of it. The Memorial is a model of temperate but plain speaking, and close keeping to the point. It includes two counts :— “1, That — cubes for some time used in the road repairs are of excessive size Hy: os “2. That, even if the cubes were of proper size, the repairs are done in an unscientific, pd consequently, extravagant manner.” Next comes the evidence in suppott of the first count :-— “ For two months the ra have been taking active notice of the road repairs in the rat and ene igsteriais used, ond th various occasions and in various streets granite cubes have been picked up—which can be laid before you, if you require them—of huge size and weight, much larger than the contract size. ‘The cubes in question have not been specially selected, but are fair samples of the bulk of the heaps from which they were taken on the roads, whilst some have been taken from the heaps of granite cubes in the Vestry’s own stone-yard.”’ Then follows a statement of palpable facts, in support of count number two :— “The roads are not repaired after Macapam’s principle—even putting aside for the moment the size of the cubes. ‘* Huge layers of granite cubes many inches deep are spread over the road that is under repair, and find their own level, filled in for the time with fine gravel and sand. The gravel in course of time works up into mud, which has to be carted away, and the result is, holes for water to lie in, ridges for are and foot passengers to trip over, and great danger to springs and wheels.” Witness to this, all ribs, and frames, of drivers and driven, to say nothing of horses and carriages, traversing Tyburnia. The Memeatel winds up with a fair statement of the extent of the grievance, and—crown of all—a plain, practical, and practicable suggestion :— “The grievance affects all classes of society in the parish, the tradesmen’s earts and horses, the rich man’s carriages and horses, the omnibus companies, and the foot passengers. We conclude with a practical suggestion, viz. : That the advice of a professional pupil of Macapam’s should be obtained forthwith by the Vestry, in order that the present bad system may give place to a new and better one.” Punch need not stay to “tot” up the united ratings of the Memorialists. He contents himself, as a frequent traveller in Tyburnia, with echoing both the plaint and the prayer of the emorial, and recommending the respectable ratepayers—not the carriage people only, but the cab and fly people as well—of other districts intersected with long roadways—as, e.g., Belgravia and the regions abutting on the Embankment—to go and do likewise. If we must pay pa -rates, as we must, let them, at least, be for the most d le and level roads. The more the contractors have to pay for stone-breaking, the less we shall have to pay for bone- breaking, of man and horse alike. WHEN THE BILL COMES IN ABOUT AFGHANISTAN. Ir will be well if the ‘* cost of pacification ” can be as easily pro- | vided for as the “‘ pacification of:Khost {seems to have been thus far. £8 To Conazsronpents.—The Bditor does not hold himself bound to stamped and directed envelope or pay for Contributions. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a should be kept.

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Fesruary 8, 1879.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. STAUNCH. Old Lady (who had been buying Eggs). ‘“’Dewp, Mr. McTreaci#, Buroners’ MEAT ’sS SAE DEAR NOW-A-DAYS AH’M NO ABLE TO BUY ’r |!” Grocer. ‘* YoU SHOULD TURN A VEGETARIAN——” Old Lady. “‘A Vexorrarian!—Na, NA! AH WAS BORN AW’ BROCHT UP 1’ THE Free Kriek, AN A’M NO GAUN TA CHANGE MA RELEEGION 1’ mw’ AULD Days!” A BURNING SHAME. Tue Anti-Cremationists of Woking have been opening the fiercest of fires on the proposed ‘‘ Bustum,” before the Home Secretary. ‘‘ Trains,” they say, already ‘trun into the heart of the Ce ,’ and now here is a ‘‘ Bustum about to be run into the hearts of the shareholders. Their difficult is to get hold of somebody to fire at. Failing other offending bodies which may hereafter be brought to the ‘‘ Bustum,” the only offender they can find t par their vials of wrath over, is a Mr. Easy, a Civil Engineer, who says he has n ‘‘ instructed to erect the necessary a mus in a secluded spot.” So, at least, the outrage is not going to be thrust offensively under the eyes and noses of the public. But, admitting this, the Woking Anti-Cremati still consider that Mr. Easy’s proceedings have been much too free and ee hey can’t say he is about to create a nuisance ; but they are of opinion that the whole scheme will be not only a damage to Woking Cemetery Shares, but ‘‘a monstrous interference with the simple rites of interment ;” that ‘‘ Crema- tion is a scandal and a di , and is so regarded throughout the breadth of the land.” With a great deal more too virulent and offensive for Punch to repeat. If this be so, surely the vigilant guardians of Woking need net fear that Mr. Easy’s Cremation Society will be likely to find many customers. Punch is glad to offer them this consolation en attendant mieux. In the meantime, it is quite right that inquiry should be made into what the Cremationists are going to do before they are allowed to do it. And this Mr. Cross promises. So rest, perturbed spirits of Woking, rest! A Good Example. WE observe, in the interesting peeeeedingn at the Caucus, held by the “‘ South- wark Liberal Two Hundred ”—whoever t y may be—that the idates, after g trotted out, are put through the ballot, and retire in su the one with fewest votes first, so that the last in wins, as in that other earlier form of Caucus, a donkey-race. very Na his coup h.) MIDDLE-AGE MUSINGS, Suggested by Mr. Caldecott’s Charming Illustrations “John Gilpin” and “* The House that Jack Built.” ** An! ’twas not so when I was young.” Those words from many an ancient tongue, At modern modes and manners flung, Have fallen, and in fact, J But while in pleasant pictured guise Jack builds, or luckless Grpry flies, Those words upon my lips arise With quite another meaning. It was not so, in very 800’ Art illustrated in my youth The nursery legends on whose truth Young faith delights in leaning. ok eS piteee ne Ne hy 0 ’s here; I gaze thereat, The house, cow, , the rat,— daubs and out of drawing. But, sketched by CatpEcort, the scene Is nature; LanDsEER’s self I ween Ne’er drew a cat more sly and keen, y clawing. !—but mark his eye, His ear, his full fatuity Of crossest self-comp. Unwarned of It tickles one almost to tears, This touch of nature, which endears The comedy of hopes and fears, Played out on Jack’s new premises. That tattered all-a-tiptoe man, Bucolic yet Bohemian !— His artful oseulatory plan uccess sorrow snatches. The maid forlorn, so fair of face, With such a gentle rustic . Seems so at home . For all his shreds and patches. ’Tis deep philosophy. What kiss To mo lips comes much amiss ? The vite one deserves his bliss or y daring. Another time that maid forlorn t have his love with scorn, in the suit he pleads this morn Forgets the suit he’s wearing. And Giupm! Oh! for time and space, In daintiest detail to trace, The mingled traits of fun and grace, e snatches of sweet scenery : The luckless Cit’s long equine strife ; His buxom, fair, well-favoured wife, That homely eighteenth century life, U by grim machinery. And bgenty lends a grace to joke,— That a es | girl with Gripr’s cloak, That mi id with her pail and yoke, Are things of joy for ever. A Flaxman of the fireside here Hits each home-trait to Britons dear, With charm spontaneously clear, As classically clever. More power to those swift, That fancy far too full for thrift May nae 4 fashion many a gift ‘or happy yea treasure ; Which, nursery- The interest of genial ’ . Nemesis ! DesTINATION FOR THE MARS#HAL | grace).—Gone to Grasse, (See Daily

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesrvary 8, 1879, a OS | 2 4 pte Ghat ll. “YEN SORS!” régime, | ent the Marshal’ simi seni the Balloting Urn for M. Grévy, against 99 for General Cuanzy A CHANGE*IN THE (CAST. At half-past Three the letter was read. By a quarter to Seven the “ Le Roi est mort, Vive le Roi!” Such was the phrase in which, | tickets had been deposited, counted, and the result declared. when kings reigned down of one crowned Just a and simple is the process under the Republican | arm’s Bee whe §, President Number One; enter President Number Two.” were on Thursda ~a It is even easier to shift a President, than to change a Sovereign. The name of Grtvy seems to have noted on the mutinous class of Frenchmen like a spell, or as the appearance of Vinert’s Worthy ca Court Functionary proclaimed the going | tranquillised the populace in an uproar :— and the uplifting of another. they do not wait for a king’s death and a king-at- , , The new stage-direction is simply, “ exit “Tum, pietate gravem ac meritis si forte virum Rxit and Conspexere, silent, arrectisque auribus astant.’ got over in the time that it took to read| May this quiet and regular inning of the new Presidency be resignation, and to drop 536 tickets into | the augury of its quiet and seguir aoalenalibe. 8 letter of

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Fesrvary 8, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ww 7 LAN 4 ‘ ‘s 7 Ear Vy) . yp | | UNSEEMLY INTERRUPTION. The New Footman (stentoriously), ‘‘ Mus. MontcomMERyY JENKINS’s CARRIAGE !” Mrs, Montgomery Jenkins, ‘* A—TELL THE COACHMAN TO WAIT.”’ New Footman, ‘‘ Pizasx, Ma’aAM, HE SAYS HE CAN’T. HE SAYS HE’S GOT ANOTHER JOB AT TWENTY MINNITS PAST ELEVEN!” Nothing in the Marshal’s official life has become him like the leaving of it. The Marshal was a brave soldier, and an honest, short-sighted man. His successor is as brave, as honest, ‘and less short-sighted. He foresaw the coup d’ état, and did his best to pre- vent it. And he has been a consistent Republican as far back as his record runs. There could not be a better guarantee that he will do his duty in this new state of life to which it has pleased France to call him. With which, Mr. Punch takes off his cap and bells to the new President of the Republic. BANQUETS FOR BISMARCK. “Sie,” said Dr. Jomnson, “‘ comparisons are odious. Sir, the make comparisons.” Nevertheless, we may venture on a _o— between two celebrated personages, one of them being Dr. Jouwson himself, the other Prince Bismarck. As Dr. JoHnson had his L for a biographer, so has Prince Bismarck his Dr. Buscn. Further, Prince Bismarck is a man of great abili- ties and strong common-sense, expressed in forcible language. As is Buscn’s hero in these particulars, so was BosweLt’s. Here is @ comparison which cannot surely vex Dr. Jonmnson’s shade. It is not one of those comparisons which the Whigs are addicted to ; but a — after the manner of Piurarcu rather Edinburgh lew. é, There is another ial point of similarity between the Great Lexicographer and the Great cellor. The former despised simpletons who affected ‘‘ a foolish disesteem of eating.” Glancing down at such he once roared, “‘ Sir, the man who will not care of his belly will hardly take care of anything else.” He reduced this dogma to practice by continuance in living . and, in particular, by habitually eating lobster-sauce » by the account of Dr. Buscn. is distin- appetite. He regaled himself on beer, champagne, turtle-soup, and boar’s head, with a mixture of mustard and raspberry jelly. He once ate eleven hard-boiled eggs at a meal. On another occasion he dined off onion-soup with oe wine, saddle of wild boar with beer, Irish stew, and turkey and chestnuts. His usual drinks are porter mixed with champagne, hot tea with champagne and sherry, and red wine to any amount besides. Had Bismarck been Jomnson’s con- temporary, he might have been able to put him up to some admixture even more original in its way than plum-pudding and lobster-sauce. Suppose one were to have the honour of entertaining Prince Bis- MARCK at dinner, considering what peculiar combinations commend themselves to his guest’s te, one might endeavour still further to gratify it by the invention of a few novelties, and pretty little tiny kickshaws, in which opposites might be combined. As, for ex- — :—Oysters and pen (a rg eps hare-soup, Nene-stane and tipsy-cake ; turbot and trifle, black puddings and custard boi ed in bitter ale; fried sausages and sweet omelet; calf’s-liver and bacon with caviare and gooseberry-fool ; boiled woodeock with veal stuffing ; widgeon with parsley-and-butter ; tripe with treacle and onions; bubble-and-squeak with guava-jelly and maccaroni in brandy-and-oil ; olive-pudding and anchovy sauce. Out of a menu such as the above, Prince Bismarck could possibly contrive to make a dinner. It might conclude with welsh-rabbit— a dainty he once tasted at Hull. It is one of the few good things for which ives credit to gee. Perhaps his ee might like stewed cheese better, oe ps ibly preferring it simply toasted, as being then of a tougher more coriaceous consistence. To return to the parailel between two great men and amazing eaters,—JOHNSON was occasionally troubled with indigestion. So is BisMARCK ; and so he ought to be, if he goes on at this rate. Minster v. Minister. Brave in the canons’ mouths! He ventures much, Onslaught of Dean and Chapter singly stemming ! Tis pectty clear his co isn’t Dutch, though he may be fighting for a Fleming.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Feprvary 8, 1879. DOCK MODELS. BULL AND HIS BURDENS. Who led the way ? **T.” eries the Russ. “ All this fight, failure, fuss, | Springs from me,—so they say.” hy Who followed = a “ I, ” yelped the “ And poor BULL had not shirk My dead weghi-patient brute’! ” we omel ? “" Strike. 4 disaster Bad burdens f Who jumped ? 5 *T,” growls \ y « Strikes may ed eran ; she is But I sticks to my A PA Who's this next Te AUT | \) RULY it must be a ont shriek the | yi comfort to i Gl sev Bank Bo Bee ook a a Directors ‘all And who’ hn Cabot oD back ay their e Zulu, with @ ¢: characters! When On the long 5 bed 3: Pune reads the Shouting ‘ Just room 1" P owing £ favour of “t tek Who rn the bet e B arr aes He ee Ne en; “ ‘how as. Stand much more I ¢an not /” Taytor is “an hanest and upright man, incapable of of soiling al by such a chon tian as Plsideation of Bie ee et ; a fr. Yarens js Bsculent and in gwd ; Mr. L§GLIS . uprg right Me. [ACH | upright,/ A ceRrarn enthusiast has been writing letters ink § s,” he is yA o :& edvooaey in answ to him, | tiou SC 0 virtues which smell cwent te issn the te dope in the dock—with re caiiiiee* fa ep bemory se arly cousaanalls lentils | a little alteration of Popr’s trite couplet : _ “Tt is not that such men are rich and rare, We wonder how the mischief they got there! ”’ | with an irrational vehemence that suggests, to howe = | readers at least, the expediency of feeling his pulse, if not of eating it. OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. (Reports on a visit to Her Majesty’ s onthe Opening Night o “ Cari Rosa’s Beason.) 9 Nght of Mr. Cart Rosa made a first-rate Pe of the Tribunes; and Mr. Joun P. Jackson is to be congratulated on his ie libretto. And most of it, in the mouths of the prineipel artiste, was clear and intelligible to me at least, though uring one of the co pieces I overheard a remark made by a Lady to her friend, “It’s a very clever idea bringing this out at Floreat Kosa! may he be not the “‘ last Rose of Summer,” deserted by his blooming companions, but a perennial flower, a hardy annual, and so, as the g chorus has it— “ Here ’s to you, John Brown Here ‘ to te with all my heart !”” and, once again, Floreat Rosa ! Of course there must have been a great rush for the cheap edition of Butwer’s Rienzi when the Opera was announced. So many peo rd remembered having it, “ years ono, ¥ when nen ther all others,” and, in drawing-rooms, and ‘ ey * the Her Majesty’s; for it reall seems just like Italian: and it never did, you know, at the Adelpl There ’s a good deal in , mind you. The traditions of the Adelphi are toa cama extent f Salaahionable, and decidedly non-operatic ; walle those of Her Majesty’s are connected with the | highest fashion, the London m, great Italian Singers, and Operatic Impresarie. There are numbers who, valle they would | think twice before the Adel: for any Opera, English or coun mere and then wouldn’t Asa wo "4 e stalls at Her esty’s for an English use there is an odour of | Ms t associations floating about the and they can go| throu all the regular business of the season, through ttes, lounging in fope’ alley, chatting in the lobby, &c., at -price. But the majority, who, patronise the Opera in English, ~ + out of sheer love of music, and a hearty to encourage such an enterprise as that of Mr. Cant Rosa’s, which has for its aim and object the qpeteoten, of the highest musical taste in the region of Opera at the Tom Bette peiens. The Opera is no be an goueoenntio luxury, above the heads or rather above the pockets of the people, nor is it to be a sort of summer ropetable, onl y in season with strawberries and no; henceforth, if the se at Her Majesty’s Hh ogy look forward hopefully to the permanent establishment of an : English Opera House, that is, a House forthe performance of all Operas of nationalities, translated into our own native tongue, affording great opportunities to native vocal talent,—the Local Vocal—and to , tainted native composer and who would here find for elr WOTK & com librettist, pany ready to hand, and an audience educated to conversation, a few days previous to F as production of ‘ | would take this form :— First Young Musical Amateur (te Lady Musical Ditto). ia to hear Rienz: with the English Opera “ng Maj » yes (meaning that Lady Musical Ditto. At Her Majesty's? O the locale had decided her). Second Young Musical Amateur. Oh, of course (enthusiastically). Why, it’s Wagner’s. Lady Musical Amateur (who has not seen it af this ie Nah | before). Ah! so it is! (Enthusiastically and reproachft oung Amateur.) How could you ask me? Of course, I always go to any- thing of WacyEr’s. First Young Amateur who has merely thoualt-¢ a it as an y Saat Opera). Wagnen’s? (confessing his ignorance). don’t know. I thought it was an old Opera of Burwan’ 8, set by BALFE or some- | Young Amateur (super citiouely)- My dear fallow | BULWER gy te ag l hy Ape og f ra translated in mp Ma " ly Gentleman (warmly) pardon. Opera was founded ee BuLWER’s oe Jen novel. 'y Lady (who has been a great navel-tondan). | Of farm } auneuher it very well. It came out among his a ab of Rienzi. ing ! i es No, no, no. You’re thinking of The Last hiien “tp So*I ates. 5 But he wrote somany, But ta font CRowghtul ). is Yee wg was—but what it was about —( puzzled) — + something mysterious. Some- listen patiently and appreciate thoroughly.

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ONMERIVARI.—Fesruary 8, 1879. S BURDENS. Dard p05" room 05" roi for ne _ FS. a i? . Pa . >» s wy AN \ N \

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Fesrvary 8, 1879.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 57

body discovers the elizir vite—and there are Ghosts, and an awful ‘* Dweller on the Threshold.” [Begins to wander in his mind back to scenes of his childhood, and suddenly thinks confusedly of a hundred other things. _ Second Young Amateur (who, with his friends, has been much interested in this conversation, suddenly joins in with a reminiscence). = ! a *ve read that one. Was it Rienzi? It was a name very e it. _ First Young Amateur (with a similar reminiscence of a cheap re- issue of BuLWER). Yes. You’re right. It was Belzont. Young Lady (diffidently). I thought Betzonr was a celebrated traveller or explorer? I’m not certain—but—— Elderly Gent (pulling himself together with an effort). Yes, of course he was. BuLwek never wrote a novel called Belzoni—(less confidently), at least not that I’m aware of—but (reassured by there being no contradiction) he did write Rienzi—and (by a sudden in- spiration to First ‘ou mean Zanoni—that "s what you mean. Ali (triumphantly). Of course! he means Zanoni. First. Young Amateur. That was it. You’re quite right, Zanoni, or the Last of the Barons. Elderly Gent (who remembers it all now), No—ne—no! Rienzi, or the Last of the nes. t’s it. First Amateur, Yes. And Wacnenr set it to music. And then they all make a hear it. Rienzi is excellently put on stage, the ably good, and no expense been spared =a in the Armo; 8 department. .There are so many suits of complete armour, - fands of the People's Williom: (henutiful ttle, iRiseat Giledetone nds of the People’s m—(beautiful ti ienzt stone ; or, The Last of the People’s Williams ! outle, Bien Acts, by Ben. BeaconsFretD)—had not ‘run to” anything beyond an imitation of the genuine article, made out of the silver-lead paper used for plum-boxes and tobaceo-packets. This, and the tendency on the part of the Chorus, representing the Roman plebs, to wear turn-down collars, were the only two blots that even the most observant eye could spot on the exceptionally bright surface of this operatic stage-picture. Of all the company I liked Miss Grorcrva Burns, far and away the best. She represented ‘‘ A Messenger of Peace,” and to her is allotted one of the loveliest solos in the Opera. Madame HeLener CrosMonD does not seem to identify herself with the part of Jrene, and she seemed to be indifferent to the sorrows and troubles of every- one about her as long as she herself had not to make any remark. Her dramatic rule of inaction seemed to be, ‘‘ When my cue comes call me,”—as though she had been instructed for the stage on the excellent nursery advice given to children, ‘* Don’t yo till you are spoken to,—hear, see, say nothing, do nothing.” ere is only one I would earnestly ask of her, and in this request I am sure Mr. Josep Maas as Rienzi, when mounted on horseback, will join, and that is, ‘‘ please don’t touch the animal.” I know it’s very Ss fair Irene patting her brother's steed, when the Tribune 1s ad g his constituents, but if she only knew how it fidgets the horse, how uncomfortable it makes the brave Tribune himself and what anxiety it causes among the audience lest the noble steed should suddenly “‘ let out,” sending Rienzi over his head, and Irene fain among the crowd! So, Madame Herens, please don’t. The Colonna and the Orsini, the two ’Aught Haristocrats, were capital. I loved them both, specially the Orsini, who ought to have had his Orsini bomb to blow up Rienzi, ins of attempting his assassination with a stiletto. The part of Raimondo, the Papal Legate, was well rendered by Mr. Henry Pore; and it is not often in ar one sees a Pope a asa Papal Legate. It is to be seen at Her Majesty’s. ot discrimina rerum prevented my being present at Piccolino. But as Rienzi is, after all, and before all, the musical eyent, and was the inauguration of the Cart Rosa season, it has proved quite t for, at all events, one notice from Your REPRESENTATIVE.

University of Southwark. Pass Examination 1x PouiricaL Prrncirpies. Moderators and Examiners —Joun Brown, Witutam Jorrs, Tomas Ropryson, and 197 others. First Class: Rogers. Second Class: Wiit1aMs, Bennett. Third Class : LEICESTER.

A Sequitur. Tre deed ’s done for which France has looked Through crooked turns and courses wavy. Now that the Marshal’s goose is cooked, ’Tis natural to call for Grévy. oung Amateur, who had suggested ** Belzoni,”’) !

THE LAST OF THE LOTTERY. urine the drawing for the prizes of the Paris Exhibi- tion Lottery strange dreams have been the order of the day, rather night. Mr. Punch has as bothered,—if he should not rather say ho- noured,— by anum- ber < ow Soeee spondents holding tickets, applying to him to learn if the visions of their slumbers contain any hidden mean- ing. Under these circumstances he — a few tions. f you dream that » are putting a umber of — people to rack, it means ; that you will win a dream that a North American squaw clai masa: a uaw claims you asa woman a , it means m you oy a box containing every ~ for the toilette. f you dream that are walking about on stilts to the disgust of mankind in general, and to the ere Se lover in particular, it means that you will win a pair of boots with military heels. If youdream that your vanity has increased a thousandfold, and that you are hated by ali your dear friends and fashionable acquaint- ances, it means you will win a parure of diamonds. If you dream that through your influence all your crabbed rela- tions will lose their stared acidity, it means that you will win three tons of carbonate of soda. If you that somehow or other you have become the Venus de Medici, it means that you will win a Parisian ball-dress. If ou dream that you use slang, wear rouge, and know men with- out their wives, it means that you will win a cigarette case and a roulette-board. If you dream that you are going to marry a man who, thanks to you, y happy in his home, it means that you will win yin be pees h in hi it that ll wi a latech-key. If you that you are enjoying a trip on the Continent, it means that you will win a light and com ious travelling trunk. If you dream that you are the toast of husbands and the envy of wives, it means that you will win a book showing you how to dress like a lady for £15 a-year.

THE SONG OF THE STORE. Arn—“ Hearts of Oak.” Come, cheer up, my Swells! ’tis to saying we steer, To make both ends meet in this terrible year. To the Store let us stick, and fight shy of the Shep ‘ Who supplies us so well as the crowded Co-op y Money’s our cry: opposition is vain ; So down with “ready!” Steady, Swells, yes We'll lick the Retailers again again ! ym ’ve charged over-prices for second-rate goods - aguas yey 0 2 os our — and our “‘ woulds;’’ ut they now c or ‘ And ao fe me for the fight, if they ’ll only fight fair. Ready Money’s our cry. They’ve no right to complain : So down with the “‘ ready!” Steady, Swells, steady ! : We'll outbuy and outsell them, and pocket the gain! The Store shall prevail o’er their retail concerns, Our standard ’s *‘ Small Profits!” our word “* Quick Returns!” Then cheer up, brave Swells! Let them bluster and spout, BO nae vee eee o, ; Ready Money’s our cry. e shall campaign. J 6 down, wi the “ ready! ”’ Steady, Swells, steady! : Though they offer you credit again and again. hy All very well, but just you wait for “ The Song of the Shop,” next | week.

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58 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesrvary 8, 1879. “A PLEASANT PROSPECT.” Car-Driver (to New Agent), “ BeGorRA, THE WONDHER 18 HE WASN'T SHOT LONG BEFORE—BUT, SHURE, THEY SAY, WHAT ’s IVERYBODY’S Business 1s Nosopy’s Business !”’ A COLONIAL CORRESPONDENCE. My Lorp, Government House, Black River Settlements. Ir is with regret that I hasten to inform you of the alarm- ing turn that affairs have taken in this Colony since the despatch of my last communication. The hasty action of the Local Legislature has had the result I feared, and our hitherto friendly neighbour, Masai-Wasui-Wuiski, Chief of the Borroobooloo tribe, breaking off all further negotiations, is now crossing the frontier at five diffe- rent points, with a picked force of 300,000 warriors. As they are organised on the Prussian system, are supplied with Remington rifles, nine-pounders of our own make, and the est pebble powder, the trade in which has for some years past so fratifyingly stimulated the com- meroe of these settlements with the Mother Country, and as they took the “‘ sacred emetic ” before starting, 1 hope, rather than expect, that they will retire without giving us serious trouble. We have at pre- sent only half a a of the 97th Buffs ready to take the field. Please send some orcements and advise as to what I had better do. : I have the honour to be, &c., &c. The Right Hon. the Secretary of State for the Colonies, Downing Street. Colonial Office, Downing Street. _ THe simultaneous arrival at this Office of several equally paning applications from other Colonial Governors obliges me to be rief. I am, however, happy to inform you that Her Majesty's Government have decided to send out at once a force of 10,000 men for the protection of the Black River Settlements. Trusting that this, together with the local Volunteer forces, which no doubt have been already organised, will prove sufficient for the moment, ; I am, dear Sir, &c. &e. His Excellency the Governor of the Black River Settlements. Sir, My Loxp, Government House, Black River Settlements. Tue troops have arrived, and it is again with regret that I have to inform you that both their number and quality have occasioned the most profound disappointment throughout the Black River Settlements. The Local Legislature, representing the who have hitherto with much firmness declined to take any to defend themselves, are of opinion that at least 30,000 men should have been despatched at this critical juncture. Moreover, they feel acutely the absence at such a moment of all arms of the service except the line, as they had expected a selection, at least, of the Household troops. In stating; this I am, of course, only the mouthpiece of the Local Legislature. But from what I hear on all sides, it is my duty to point out to your Lordship, that if the connection of this Colony with the Mother Country is to be main- tained, the Home Government must show a keener than it has hitherto done to the susceptibilities of the small but energetic community among whom I have the honour to represent Her Majesty’s Government. I have the honour to be, &e., &e. The Right Hon. the Secretary of State for the Colonies, Downing Street. Sir, Colonial Office, Downing Street. Her Masesty’s Government, fully recognising the vast im- portance of the connection existing between the Black River ments and the Mother Country, have determined to despatch to those Settlements another army of 12,000. I regret that this force will not include Cavalry, and that the Household troops will not be re- in it, as at the present moment they are engaged on a similar service in the islands of the South Pacific. A Staff, however, has yg aye at your disposal, and a new class of rockets, superior in calibre to any yet employed on field ser- vice, put in hand at Woolwich for the Black River Expeditio Force. I regret that, as they have all hitherto burst in proving, they cannot accompany the present contingent. The tch of reinforcements, together with the excellent bands of the regiments already on their way, may pacify local irritation, and strengthen those bonds of good feeling which are of such priceless value to the Mother Country. 1 have the honour to be, &c., &e. His Excellency, the Governor of the Black River Settlements.

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Fepruary 8, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 59 CRUEL. Brown. ‘‘YAas. I GO IN FOR IT A GOOD DEAL.” Fair One. ‘‘I WoNDER you DON’T LEARN /” Fair One (during an interval in the Valse). ** You "ne VERY FonD OF DANCING, AIN'T you?” A SEASONABLE REMINDER. THERE are a good many degrees of cha- ritable duty at this time between Mr. Cuar- RINGTON’S indiscriminate dole of cocoa and bread and buttoning one’s pockets. The Rector of Whitechapel, writing from twelve ears’ ce among th f the Kast End of London, or help to A nd us of the right mean between giving that makes or helps idleness, and fiving that eases the pinch of poverty, wishful for work, but cuits find it. Punch cannot turn his publicity to better account by reprinting some words of Rector’s, well worth weighing ‘The able-bodied idlers who baw] out their wants in West-End squares, and then relieve them in the nearest pe are beneath contempt, and should be taken care of by the police; but let us be careful lest the bois obtrusiveness of pre want should cause us to withhold our sympathy and help from the bers of the patient, ummurmuring, suffering poor who often need our opmpathy, but whose wants are never so keenly felt as in hard times like the present.” Coming Down. Tue Electric Lamps in op go ‘throw a glare on the fish,” are unfavourable to the complexions'‘of the fish- salesmen, who, under this uncompromising illuminating power, might be detected in blushing for the manwuvres of the fish-ring. and the extortionate retail prices charged by the fishmongers. Colonial Boredom. Or all our Colonies the Cape is the most plague and the least profit. The Boers of the Transvaal provoke the Kaflirs to come down upon them, and then expect us to fight their battles. In short, these con- founded Boers are about the greatest bores in being. Joun Butt is very much di to swear that he can’t and won’t stand such a set of bores any longer. ( Confidential.) My Lorp, Government House, Black River Settlements. I must make the best excuses I can to the Local Legislature ; but I fear the scanty respect shown to the Colony by the Home Govern- ment will defy all my explanations. Can you not at least let a Royal Duke take the chief command? This, and an escort of the Blues, might create a better state of feeling ; but I fear it is too late. P I have the honour to be, &c. &c. The Right Hon. the Secretary of State for the Colonies, Downing Street. (Confidential.) Dear Sir, Colonial Office, Downing Street. THE last Royal Duke we could has gone to Fiji. The Blues are up the Congo. We have several Colonial wars on hand so that I hope the Black River Settlements will take a kindly and considerate view of the situation. As we have Volunteers on guard at Windsor, and are involved in some awkward European complica- tions, we should be very much obliged if you could let us have a few thousand troops back at the Colony’s earliest convenience. But don’t hurry. I am, dear Sir, &c., &c. His Excellency the Governor of the Black River Settlements. (In Haste.) My Lonp, Ship Hotel, Black Town. _ 1 ReeRET to_inform you that I have been driven by a howling mob to this place for shelter, the Colony having formally decl its independence y ay, and the Imperial forces having been ‘pelted through the streets. Thank heaven! I propose to start, with my family, the Colonial Secretary and Treasurer, the Chancellerie, and the Colonial Archives for England to-morrow. I have the honour to be, &c., &e. The Right Hon. the Secretary for the Colonies, Downing Street. Amalgamation Extraordinary. A TurotosicaL Miscellany has been lately started under the title of the Catholic Presbyterian. The incongruity of this denomination will probably be imitated in dissenting literature by the production of peiotieals after the like fashion, entitled the Independent Wes- leyan, the Unitarian Baptist, the Sandemanian Quaker, the Ar- minian Calvinist, and the Moravian Methodist. To these might be added the Nonconformist Churchman ; though that would em be a very accurate alids for a ee pense. AS right ; here’s a health to the Ministers of all tions — not even excepting those of the Party now in office! A New Name for the New Manager. “M. Havanzrer has resi the management of the Opera—an event hailed with satisfaction by all interested in music, for his rule has long con- tributed to the decline of the Art. He was satisfied with depending for large receipts on the staircase, which being now familiar to everybody, his successor = ve to rely, not on marble, but on music.” — Paris eapondent of the mes. ConsrpERtNne the large part played by the staircase in the first success of the Paris House thus far, why should not that theatre be rechristened by the new #npresario La Scala? Beet eR ee poe pened _ iad sn roa te ye . * ‘

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| | officiate from mere displeasure with his Churchwarden, he h | work against his flock, and lowered himself to the level of a stupid trades’- | unionist on strike—one strike resembling the other in mischievous results— the workman’s strike causing physical distress, and the Vicar’s “‘ spiritual | | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 8, 1879, A VICAR ON STRIKE. Rev. James’s a fathe tion on HE Bishop of Ro- CHESTER has ad- dressed to the H. A. Wan- ker, Vicar of St m’s conduct, in aving, because hi Ch warden sticks from a shelf the Church on previous Sun- ay, tefused to and evening . If the Rev. WITH MR. PUNCH’S REGRETS. Puncu owes an apology toa brother in wit and wisdom, athos and humour. He eould not put in an appearance at net Harre’s first lectute in this country on ‘‘ The Ar- uts of ’49,” thanks to the very inconvenient place and me fixed for it—to say nothing of a cealanable cold in m, | the head which blinded his eyes and Plugged his ears. admoni_| With this a long ARs Meher of “‘ The Luck of Roaring t Wat-| Camp,” and “ See Chines,” he joins the ho that his Californian will soon give his friande, his fr. Pu ob Haake hate. 8 rtunity of hearing him had urse a ae ood of the Golden Fleece, at a more ble and available time, when the in Mr. P.’s head has its classic temple— as Mr. N. P. Wittis wrote to the Hon. Mrs. Norton— and left Mr. Punch with eyes to see and ears to hear. Let Mr. D’Orty yor fe the eart before the horse next time, and Pune to hail his Cor Cordium. Weston’s Great Walk. th morn- Gentleman stands : , corrected, good. In that case the| ‘‘ Our Own Correspondent” in the Evening Standard, ; } Bishop has said enough to him. Other-| of Jan. 24, writes— eri ikisd Ze, wise he might have ss d more. “The fatigue of travelling, with scarcely any rest, in a close Le he te leo He might neve pou out to hit | omnibus, naturally tells upon those who have undertaken to see wee” 2 %" *% o- in — y piecing \~ pa- | Weston through his arduous task.” Oy A LOOP rishioners under an ct, he was : ’ e ere cong Mediseval Pope of himeclf It is no doubt 4 very hard case for Wxston’s watchers —an ~~ ae less in place at St. James’s, Hatcham, than it would be at Colney Hate The Bishop might also have informed Mr. destitution.” ALKER that, in declining to ad, in fact, struck in the close omnibus, but how about Wesro : in the open, with the crowd hustling him, and the north- east wind in his teeth, plodding his miserable two thousand miles through the frost and snow on his poor worn-out ten toes N A Meetine or Exrremes.—The Vegetarian’s ideal— Ce-real-ism. “ ARCADES AMBO” (IN TWO ARCADIAS). With Mr. Punch’s Compliments to the Framers of the Bankruptcy Act that is to be.) Re D’ Ippier. A meetine of the Creditors of Mr. J. D’IppLter was held on ( | Thursday last, to consider how that Gentleman’s estate should be | dealt with in the interest of his Creditors. | £45,000, and that Messrs. Worry AND It was announced that unsecured Creditors had claims upon the property to the extent of AGGE (the well-known solicitors), held Bills of Sale upon the insolvent’s furniture. The remaining assets were valued at £362 10s. iy oy ; A Creditor wished to know if the Insolvent been guilty of fraud. Mr. Wacexr (of Messrs. Worry anp WaceGe), repedicied any such insinuation. Their client was the very soul of honour. Mr. D’lppier had been a most energetic and enterprising, if un- successful trader. In this great commercial country an unsuccessful | trader, he was sorry to say, was not an uncommon occurrence. | within the law of libel. The Creditor was not satisfied. Had not Mr. D’Ippier started without a single penny? Had he not driven about in a hired carriage ordering goods of all who werefools enough to trust him? Had he not sold those goods when supplied at a ruinous loss, and appro- priated the proceeds to his own use ? ; , Mr. Waece warned the . to be careful net to bring himself t was the pride of his client that he | commenced business (like many of our merchant princes) with | the proud Threepence in his pocket. It spoke volumes for the confidence he had created in his industry and intelligence, that he now stood in ition of owing Fifty Thousand Pounds. A Creditor observed that his question had not been answered. Was it true that Mr. D’IppieR had made away, at a ruinous rate, with the goods he had obtained upon credit? Mr. Waeesr said that his client, acting as an intelligent man of business, on the principle of “ small profits and quick returns,” had certainly sold his at a reduction. But throughout his com- mereial career he had acted on his (Mr. Wacer’s) advice, and he (the Creditor) might be sure that he (Mr. Waeex) would keep Mr. D’Ippier clear of the Central Criminal Court. A Creditor said that the business of the bankrupt, so called, looked very much like swindling, or in other and perhaps plainer terms, obtaini “> retences, an insinuation which was indignantly repudi by Mr. Wacer. Another Creditor wished to know if the Insolvent had not settled was a thost affectionate husband. He had settled a very consider- able sum upon his wife; and it would be found that the deed bore a date which, he believed, would make it perfectly good in law. A Creditor wished to know if the Insolvent had any arrangement to ee r. Wacce said that Mr. D’IppieR considered that, in his position, it was his business to consider rather than to make sug- estions. He might add, however, that he held proxies from essrs. Brown, Jonzs, and Ronrnson, three of the largest credi- tors, who were prepared to vote for the estate going into liquidation. A Creditor wished to know who were Messrs. Brown, Jones, and RosINson. : Mr. Wacece said that they were affectionate relatives of Mr. D’IpptER—three of his uncles, in fact, who had made we ad- vances in the hope of tiding him over the recent period of com- mercial pressure to which he unfortunately succumbed. A itor said he sup there was nothing to be done ? Mr. Wacex sup that was about it. His partner, Mr. Worry, had been appointed liquidator. He might add that as the expenses of liquidation a y ex e amount of the assets, the Creditors would be put to no further trouble in the matter. Mr. D’Ipper then drove home in his wife’s brougham. Jerry SNEAK AGAIN. P This well-known impostor was once more charged at the Police ourt. It enperss that the Prisoner had obtained goods to the amount of £2 5s. from various tradesmen on the pretence that he would pay for them by drawing upon his account in the Post-Office Savings Bank. Some of the goods were detained at the Pawnbrokers, with whom they had been pledged by the Prisoner’s wife. It was proved that the Prisoner had no account with the Post- Office Savings Bank. ‘ , On being asked for his defence, the Prisoner said he was starving. The Magistrate replied that that was no excuse. He had never had before him a clearer case of obtaining money under false pre- tences. It was a crime that could not be overlooked, and he should therefore send up the case for trial. Bail having been refused, the Prisoner was removed to the House of Detention in the Police Van. Impari Passu! Tuoven Dizzy on resisting York Sets hard his heavy right foot, on his wife the bulk of the property thus dish onestly realised. Mr. WacGe was happy to answer in the affirmative. Mr. D’IppLer £2 To Connusronpents.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, stamped and directed envelope On Durham, buoyant as a , He comes down with a Lightfoot. or pay for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a Copies should be kept.

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Fesrvary 15, 1879.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61 Wei as the departed t a letter | i B the written ‘‘ foneti He testifies that :— the invenshon and jurnal,”’ kicking, as the sense. Its longevit survival of his “‘ forti have supported that of his Spelling “* Fonetik ” pps ropaga: Seren’ tan ex that our old ‘friend said Bee might answer Mr. iar orthography. He would n be made that he had a Spelling I _—_—=- =. —— yes communication AN EVERGREEN VEGETARIAN. the FonetikiNuz had " of an nt in the Zoological Gatieee at no. be | “* Fonetik itut Bath, This i,” as he says is his custom. iani eetotalism, which he, being commendation of Mee poze and Ti now “‘ siksti-feiv yeerz of aij,” imes, a few days since, Prrman, and has practised for the last forty years. ‘* Theez forti years have been spent in kontineus laibor in konekshon with ov mei sistem oy fonetik shorthand and seems even more wonderful vit L yeerz ” regimen to the “aij” of “* siketi feiv.”’ His circulation has been maintained on that regimen, but what can paper ? ent Wy ee in his bonnet. Prry And PARI PASSU. the Stores. fonetik spelling, korrespondenz, and the editoarial deutiz of mei weekli His “‘ weekli {nen ” is of course the Fonetik Nuz, still alive and eople say—kicking against otymolony sed common than its editor’s Bees have for some time dropped out of vogue, or else a Prrman’s of ot, of course, be any remark which might possibly A Wail from the Wastepaper-Basket. r Punch, with Peace Folly’s tongue to set agoing— : REvY to keep Silliness’s sauce at flood-tide flowing ! Six wastepaper-baskets loaded—out of those two names alone ! And Punch is to keep silence e’en from bad words—and not groan! Tue Best Securtry ror A New Turxisn Loan.—Old Turkish Customs—the oldest not to pay Turkish Debts. A WEARLNEsS to the Body—Weston’s Walk. A weariness to the Mind—The reports of it. THe Lots or Free TRAvE (according to the Shop).—This side “IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET—FIGS!” THE following letter, apparently from one of the speakers at a recent ‘‘ Anti-Co-operative’”’ meeting, has been sent to 85, Fleet Street, for publication :— Mr. Ponca, I can scarcely write for indignation! Parliament is to meet and there is to be no Queen’s 8 Sir, it is disgraceful, sean- dalous! Lord BeaconsrreLp should be turned out of his situation. We, the shopkeepers of England, pay him, Sir, and we have a right to insist upon his giving us money’s worth for our money, His salary, and the salaries of all his fellow Civil Servants should be cut down. It is high time we should touch British statesmen in their most sensitive point—their pockets. Cabinet Ministers and Civil Servants should henceforth be placed upon the same footing. Both are dependants of the public, from whose hard earnings they receive their enormous salaries, and both should be equally liable to dis- missal for flying in the face of those who pay them ; in too many cases for , or worse than nothing. of this great Lote ay ny t class to whom Brirawnia owes the sovereignty of waves, ie react beef of Old d, and the flag that braved for a thousand years the battle the breeze—ex a Queen’s Speech. That expectation is to be disappointed! Again I am forced to pause—I can scarcely write for indignation! poral it will not be pretended that there was no subject calling for public remark. Hardly, when the shopkeepers of London—that body of men who form th e very marrow and sinews of the nation— are tongued for justice. And when—unless justice is done —the sun of the British Empire is in all probability about to set for ever. But the overpaid Cabinet shall have no excuse. Doubtless Lord BEACONSFIELD and his labour-shirking colleagues are spending the hours ae Sarge to the public in wri “ova, reading the papers, or of their toasting persons at roaring office fires, kept retail tradesmen of the country. We know up at the but too well what on in those luxurious resorts of the Civil Ser- Vice. bp Sa shall. have no excuse. As Lord BraconsrreLp has neglec’ prepare a Queen’s Speech, I have supplied the omission, and would suggest as appropriate to the present crisis— “*My AND GENTLEMEN from the “T ext bound to address you upon a matter of the most Mr. Prewaw has | urgent i A gigantic scandal exists in this Metropolis— It is mainly a| the Civil Stores. . | expect that you will immediately suppress this most pernicious, not to say, institution. “*T regret tosay that hostilities have broken out between my troops and the Zulus. is untoward event is entirely owing to the Civil Service Stores, the employés in the Colonial Office de- voted more attention to South Africa, and less eare to Grocery, the ——— collision in South Africa might doubtless have been ave ‘* The Afghan difficulty is still far from solved. There is no doubt that Saere Ax elected to throw in his lot with the Czar of Russra, on account of the existence of the Civil Service Stores. The AMEER very y felt that the power of England was shaken to its foundation by the existence of an institution which struck at the very Seen of the ogee ae as a boty. ao ie “Tt is t ow e prevailing distress, the un- usuall deems wake le failure of cotapal banks, and the man at Biackheath are largely, if not entirely, owing to the influence of the Civil Service Stores, though time will not allow me to trace the connection at present. ‘* GENTLEMEN oF THE House or Commons, “You will be asked to vote an enormous sum for Supplies. The Estimates that will be before you would have been far smaller had it not been for the existence of the Civil Service Stores. ‘*My Lorps anp GENTLEMEN, “I must request that you will suspend all petenapte at Legis- lation until you have dealt with the all-important subject of the abominable Civil Service Stores. As you know, England is a nation of shopkeepers, and the question thus becomes one of eminently Imperial interest. “T now dismiss you to your duties. When I address you aguin at the close of the Session, I hope I shall be able to congratulate you upon the utter stamping out of the of Co-operation, that economical Black Death which threatens England with consequences just as fatal as those with which the plague menaces Russia! ”’ That, Mr. Punch, is the sort of Queen’s Speech we want, And if we don’t have it, let Lord Beaconsrre.p and his colleagues tremble, at the wrath of a JustLy Ixpronant TRADESMAN, VOL. LXXVI. Avtomatic Covpiines.—Scotch marriages.

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[Fesruary 15, 1879. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a ) ai es Aba lad Sake ] Aa — > ‘ *AYENraye. \P) ay eer - GENTLEs ! Great Punch and Toby here entwine For ye a mystic floral Valentine. Midst flowery emblems hid, the searching eye Most clear and pregnant meanings may espy. ) re oe lee

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FEBRUARY Bea 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 63

| ll Al ann se | i via ; | i ht ing 3 ett ’ 1 MAS fal = ¢

“ AT FIRST HAND.” Cowntry Connoisseur. ‘‘ Now, YOU ARE QUITE SURE THOSE ARE REAL ‘CHROMOs’——”’ Country Dealer (Draper and Grocer, &c.). ‘‘Om Yes, SIR—WE ALWAYS WAS ’EM DIRECT FROM HIs Stupi0, Sim!”

TWO QUALITIES 0 OF MERCY. (UNSTRAINED.) (For Passing Sentence on a Bank Clerk.) PRISONER AT THE Bar I have not the slightest doubt about ne jnstios of Pe verdict. You have disgrace- fully betrayed yee trust. You have been found of forgery—a crime which only a few years ble with death. You Fon | a document, by which you would have seeivel five. five pounds had not your deception been detected in the very nick of time. It has been urged that you have a wife and six small children dependent upon you for ll ~ my eyes, this is an aggravation of your crime. Not only have you brought , but upon your family. It has also been urged, that as your crime was detected 1 is its incipient stage, you did at actually receive any profit by the transaction. I ——_—

need scarcely observe, that this is quite beside the question. You are puttished that others may take warnin ng from your f fate, and thus E ony: yous e —, —_— ever, as the ve rather strangely recommended oa t mercy, I will not A harsh. I owed you ~ a years—to be passed in penal servitu (SrRAINED CAREFULLY.) (For Passing Sentence upon a Body of Bank Directors.) PRISONERS AT THE Bar, For thus, painful as it may be to my feelings, I must call you. A Jury of your countrymen, after a long trial, have, with whatever reluctance, found you ‘guilty —a word I use with the greatest possi regret. Itis not for me to pomeenad 5 meg the harshness of the ¢ language used in the a A, mare as ye , not as r, and I am y thank- fal that the the eruel duty of the ution on me. It is to me a ~ tt. oa oo satisfaction that you have -— been or to have received in your and on your private accounts, any ao then ble portion of the | —— obtained . the publication of false sheets, other documents of a mideadine character, which you have been found an J of fabricating and issuing. Had you been distinctly traced in putting into your own —— om “7 most, of the money obtained pay | of ese highl hly coloured publi- uae have consi our con- foot (1 o< you will pardon me for saying 80) deci: y open to severer the actual ciroumtances a ite bender S| circumstances 0 case. May ae to hint, that it would have tos if you had not paid so many millions into the accounts of firms so closely our own body. I cannot ing, the advocate wo has prosecution, has (no ily) exceeded his duty. He has of colouring which the circumstances, taste to have toned down lowing from what he calls your ve thus been put to a erent deal of ‘what I must cal, yee do not, for m pert, quit uite <— ie. wholesale ruin / 3 ag has to do with we santioren at r case. However, I must take the low as I find it; and the law, I 2 on ame, with its habitual sternness, p' guilty. The verdict of on \ An to Ti effect has been received with a great deal of unseemly applause, which it was m duty, however reluctantly, to repress. It is my task to remind you that you = L~— to be punished, that a= may what f your fate thus old hat I trust you will Xa me to 1 your courses. Under these cir- cumstances, I feel it my duty to sentence the two most blameable of you to eighteen, the less culpable—and I am y to add, the most of you—to t months’ impri- sonment—of course, without hard labour, in both cases.

EDISON EXTINGUISHED. Tue real modern Aladdin’s Magician is Mr. Suee, who, by means of his improved burner, ives us * new lamps for old ones.’ See the aterloo Road and Waterloo P’ im. ‘*O, si sic omnia” —if all gas- ights were like these, poe would ask for Ep1son and electricity ?

E ee ee oa —~ om tc we, * » * se & pen y 6 tk Re ee we

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64 person,” have really increased, should not drunkenness PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesrvary 15, 1879. SUNDAY CLOSING AND CRIME. Hownovr, servations :— closing.” “both in the Has it, or hasn’t it, Sir? ” His Grace was pleased to add that— “As to agrarian crimes, he trusted that the principle of live and let live vould become more the law of the country.’ The principle of “live and let live” is as much the law of the country as itean be. Only it isn’t quite so generall by the oa of the country. In Ireland, at —— I grieve to say, ive, agrarian crimina | seem more in favour of shooting them. For this state of things, Sir, if the Sunday Closing Bill is not to blame, are the Temperance blazers | quite sure it’s your humble Servant, instead of etting estate agents and landlords THE SONG OF THE SHOP. Ain—‘‘ The Leather Bottél.” Wuen I survey the country round, The myriad shops which do abound, The goods that are displayed therein To tempt all buyers possessed of ‘‘ tin ”— Let yon sniggerin’ Swells say what they can, ’Tis for wholesale good of Retailing Man. So I wish him sorrow, where’er he dwell, Who first discovered the Co-op. Swell! Now what do you say to these precious Stores ? Oh, they are the biggest and worst of bores. If they continue to thrive and pay, The Retail Trade will have its day. It’s a seurvy trick of the Nobs to go And combine to ruin Retailers so. So I wish him sorrow, where’er he dwell, Who first discovered the Co-op. Swell ! And what shall we say to their Customers fine ? Oh, they shall have no praise of mine, For they flock to the Stores with their ready cash, And care not a fig though we go to smash. But if they are dealing with us, d’ye see, They want two years’ credit, and sometimes three. So I wish him sorrow, where’er he dwell, Who first discovered the Co-op. Swell. Then their Civil Service, as thinks no shame, ‘To rob the Country, which that’s their game : For they waste their time scribbli And reading the papers and trimming their nails. And when they ’ve done that, and got jolly well paid, il Trade They combine to ruin the Retail ‘ So I wish him sorrow, where’er he dwell, Who first discovered the Co-op. Swell. Mr. Puwncna, YOUR In the course of a speech delivered at the Lord Mayor of Dub- lin’s recent Banquet, the Duke of MARLBOROUGH made these notable ob- “ He was sorry to say that crime had increased, both in offences against and person. Drunkenness, he hoped, would be dimi- nished by the recent and useful Act for Sunday roperty In the meanwhile, Mr. Punch, has drunken- ness, in fact, been di- minished? If drunken- ness is a principal cause of crime, then, Sir, surely increase of crime ow not to have accompanied diminution of drunken- ness. Or, to put it the other way, if crime, offences against property and ve increased y adopted as it should be PorTHEEN ? essays and tales, ght |™ But we do not intend to be choused like this, We will meet, and palaver, and howl, and hiss, And write to the papers about our position, And Parliament’s aid in the matter petition. And the Member who will not espouse our cause, Won’t win our votes howsoever he jaws. Oh, I wish him sorrow, where’er he dw ell, Who first discovered the Co-op. Swell ! FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. Being a Brief Record of a few Winter-seasonable Visits to certain Country Houses. VISIT THE SECOND.—CHAPTER XII. A Jotty Eventne at Pinton’s. The Glass—Pilton’s Anticipations—His Objections—Agreement— Arguments — Female Piltons — Description — Lively—Pilton’ s Ideas—Proposals— Young Fisher—His Refusal—Annoyance— No Amusement— Dermod’s Anecdotes. THE ing-glass in my room at The Hutch is unique of its {kind, —at least I so. It is a very pare Mee thick, Seer, —~ y -coloured frame, supported by two pillars ully =n i letter “8,” the curve at the —_ of each pillar ing into an imitation mahogany stand. e glass is about six inches by eight, and the of drawers on oheh it stands being only about three feet from the ground, I have either to bend over the glass, with a candle in one hand and a hair-brush in the other, or to slope the glass towards and kneel down before it, at the imminent risk of dropping wax on my head, and, probably, ing my partin; ,. result satisfactory, and the effort of to a of my head gives me a headache. difficulty, however, is to induce the ¢ to remain in any i than je >. There is > es! a ee = only remedy, apparently, is by w rocess occupies the greater part of my valuable dressing- y daylight the glass reprodiaay my face tinted with ir sea-green colour, and my as a sortof washed-out whitey brown; the whole picture ting , the it of a Gentleman in an advanced of biliousness. NW says he ** doesn’t object to this sort of ;?’ but then he ’t to use it. ve. ‘* We shall have a jolly evening,” says Prion to me before dinner. ‘Peter Dermop’s capital company. ’s Fisnen, too—a very amusing fellow—and sister, one of the best musicians you ever 2: Iam gla, of this. According to Prron’s account, the evening promises well. “T object,” says Priron, in a tone of annoyance, as if I had been contradicting him, or popes some uneongenial theory, ‘I object to Gliaiee peule in a house. I object””—he will use this formula—*‘ to namby-pamby Misses, ean only squeak out of tune, and play school exercises on the piano.” I hasten to disabuse him of any idea, which he apparently enter- tains—for he is — me as well as to me—as to my having a predilection for squeaking girls, and unmusical exercises. In fact nothing bores me somuch. He takes no notice of my answer, but - eee in the same strain, as though I were entirely opposed to m. **T object,” he says, with increasing irritation—he is really making himself angry about nothing—‘‘I object to fellows who can’t do anything—who have no conversation, who talk about the weather, and can only come into the drawing-room after dinner, and sit about staring at one another, like stuck pigs.” ’ I warmly protest that no one can object to s Proceedings, on anybody’s pe whoever they may be, more thanI do. The more completely I agree with him, the more emphatic he becomes; so that it really seems as if he wished me to take up the opposite side, for the sake of argument. : **T object to mere tittle-tattle, and gossip,” he goes on; ‘‘I like some fun after dinner.” tage I assure him that, I personally, shan’t stand in his way, as from his manner he appears to anticipate my turning out a sort of kill- oy. s **T object to doing nothing after dinner,” he says, as he leaves the room. I comfort him with the prospect of our doing something does he want us to do? Arireworks P Dance? I su; find out; but somehow he seems to have thin very spirit of opposition to amusement to which he ‘‘ objects” 8 y. If there is one thing I detest above another, it is being forcibly driven into amusing oneself, or other people. If the amuse- s bh - — a — = te © Oot © cnt at on tee em

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Fepruary 15, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 65 ment arises spontaneously, ** then,” as I say to Pruron at dessert, ‘it is safe to be a success.” “Oh!” retorts Przton, “if we’re to wait for everyone to amuse must have some one to start it.” The female Prutons—Mrs. Priton and three daughters, who are not so much chips of the old block, as dried-up shavings from the parent mate stock—are about the very last people to do any- thing amusing, or to appreciate it when Genes The are as stiff, as cold, and as highly polished on the surface as new drawing-room poketas and the expression on their four countenances, which must taken by courtesy to represent a smile, is what might be pro- duced on most people’s faces by the sudden and unexpected swal- lowing of bad soda-water. they do laugh, which is quite exceptional, it is as Hough they were, for the nofice, tolerating 80 vulgar, in the a entertainment of a higher class. { ok chilly ; and their me 0s fae ie . They like of titled people, and these, I find, are on Mamma’s side, Papa belonging, in effect intimate, to a lower order of re, con- Prxton, in despite of living in this i atmosphe siders hime on eqeentially jovial fellow. He is m after ce of an! He bent amusement, and must very find ‘his idess realised, Hi ne reat notion of EE y mga is “ ga now any himself expects guests their fingers’ D8 He can’t ine any greatér enjoy- a i is. Itis not j at. Pzrer Der- MOD, who likes to sit Coe © taps, STS, capital fun,” but excuses from any physical ex on the score of gout in his right foot. Young FisHer, whom I had ex be Snd—sgnenting to Txugon's deseri of him—‘ such an = fellow,” is y very nervous, and on being asked by if he will join in a charade, replies that “‘he hasn’t done such a Sieg Se am age—and that really—he can’t act—indeed he can —ch yon am dressed up.” But Preron remonstrates, ‘‘ You can “ Yes,” F ‘* Pooh,” says Prrton, en ingly, *‘ we ’ll all help you.” Poor FisHeR looks p lee abr round to us, as though to appeal ee ing sacrificed as a victim to his host’s idea of amusement. The others at table—there are several to whom I have not been introduced—hope that FisHer will dress up and amuse the company. We don’t care what he dresses up as, if he will only settle it with Priton, and leave us to enjoy ourselves in peace. ‘“* You can’t think,” says Pruron, looking round to us, and then of his eulogium, “‘ you can’t think what a first-rate actor he is. He ’s splendid ! ” A feeble protest from FisHer, who is heard to murmur to his meee that ‘‘ Pizton is mistaken — that he isn’t anything of the sort.”’ ‘* Oh, you are,” Pruron asserts, contradicting him positively. ‘‘ You ~~ on y he ’s afraid of doing it before you,”—this to me—‘ and ERMOD. 1 declare that no one is more costly gleoned than myself (if I’m only let alone and not worried and bothered), and Perer Dermop bears witness to hi as being the most uncritical man in ex- istence. “Yes,” says Priton to the best acting, can make sant for FisHeEr, what he is bE fellows who are always seeing . babe ge for an —. oe is plea- yond dressing up, ven’t a notion bey , vies oo or in’ what bis peouliar talent lies—‘‘ and well all join. ell all dress up, and do something. It will amuse the ies.” I, for one, yenture my opinion that the Ladies—I am thinking chiefly of the Piltons—do not want to be amused in this way. “*Tt’s 80 ee Eanties protest. a “It’s a less,” Prion retorts, ‘‘ than sitting there oing nothing.” This argument unanswerable, at all events no one likes to ay = and so ol. Son ae ensues, A ao is roken ETER OD 0 , in an e, to young ISHER, that, “*he’d better dress up and have done with it.” . Fisuer replies also in an that “he doesn’t see the fun up.’ “Oh!” exclaims Pritoy, evidently disgusted with Fisuer’s un- expected obstinacy, “‘ of course there’s no fun in it, if he won't see any init. He used to be very different.” e see that the fate of the unhappy Fisner is sealed. He won’t be asked again to Pruron’s, unless, to quote the old song, ‘‘he smiles as he was wont to smile.” themselves by inspiration, we should have to wait a long time. You | that, nodding his head sideways towards Fisner, as indicating the object| » and we dey 12 rollick. A gloom oom te at Slien, . the com- pany, TON e wine ily, as if he it to aset of people in whom he has been bitter] cosa. * It occurs to me living in such a house with only his female wet-blanket society, he must have ey = yey —s to the soars of op senting evening among a few fresh faces, some fresh ideas. In fact we had been asked to cheer him up, to amuse him, in his own jay Ep we have, with ungrateful unanimity, disappointed him in his object, by expressing a decided preference for apeing our- selves in our own quiet way,—our quiet way being a real relief to us who have come from London But*Prxton is gri y hurt about his guests,—they won’t do anything. He had tly teld urs who have come in to dinner, a i going to have, what stories a song I should sing (I’m sure he has told them this), ious ions of young Fiswer would ch y. Miss ind 4: during the ning, ic fl sh omy GriPrin’s a Denmon’s stories are all e the point of pee ts pede py pace Lahey} et bin, proton! ing to the chief dreteie persone of bis but atetitts ihemshves oa "matters, Pre \~ 0 R OD has no one to whom are xcept uch teabeecee ss ormation it is. THE AGONIES OF ’ATCHAM. Atcham, feb. 3, 1879. DEAR Puncu, EB ave ad such rows » Ow ureh wich "s . Mr. Sanders he tried to restore Peace to oe the Convic) by re- of the Brazen Immages wich the new parson ad put ; up but it was no go. For in this New Religeon you can’t on nohow without Cym- of Devotion. But praps dear Sir you can recomend us an Old-fashined parson_who can Pray without too Brass Candlesticks and a Golden cross. My Wife she as been to st Albans and she raves about the Copes and_ the Chasibles and the Surpluses to that extent that I shall not Wonder if She finds out that She cannot go to Heaven without She says her Prayers in a Sky Blue Pettycoat with Golden Stars on. Wich all their miter, joolry don’t suit my taste and 1 am Disgusted at their New-Fashined fakements and am dear Sir Yours Truly, An AGRIEVED PARISHINER. THE VERY LAST ABOUT THE LOTTERY. Mr. Puncn, Sm, 4 ok : Poor ould Ireland is always being insulted in the person of her sons. It is meself that has been insulted this time, mighty bad. Bad cess tothim! French Government !—Sure, it’s no but a gang of dirty, cheatin’ spalpeens that’s init. See here now, Sir. Didn't I put a tirteen out of my own pocket into a ticket for this Exhibition And what’s come of it? Divil a haporth. i But sure it’s meself who wrote to the Zimes one. When I read that, ; for my ticket was in nothin, sure the Tinth’s , sorra the prize I’ve got, where my number ought to havin’ lost my ticket, and disremimbered "ll go bail, [ yond,» Fs be allowed a prize if | fig an it ever so, barrin’ I showed my ticket. could I win? It was a swindle all along. Yours, indig nantly, Baan O’Lyxy. So, now Sir, how Pitton is annoyed. He has looked forward toa rollicking evening,

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‘per i S ce ae . oie ee I. doant a's wed = i Citiy CONSEQUENCES OF THE TOWER OF BABEL. Scene—A Table d’héte Abroad. He. She. ‘No, Sir.” He, ‘*Serecnen Siz Deutson, FRAjLEIN?” He. ‘‘HABLA usTED EspaNou, SeNorita!?’? She, ‘‘No.” He. “*ParuaTeE IraALiano, Signormna?”? She. “No!” ( Pause.) She. ‘* No.” (Sighs.) THE LAY OF THE DEMON PLUMBER. (A Seasonable Pezan.) Ir’s ho! and oho! for the jolly Jack Frost, And the pranks he plays up to my Customers’ cost ! as ’Tis a precious ill win ows nobody good, And a nipping North-Easter is most to my mood ; When it freezes the cisterns, and plugs up the pipes, Oh, I laughs till the tears from my hoptics I wipes ; For it’s follered in course by the loveliest thaw ; And then there’s such gammocks as never you saw ; For the men and the survint-maids comes all a-blow, From a’most every house in a’most every row: Crying, ‘‘Come, Mr. PLuMBER—immejit—you must / For the cistern is leaking, the pipes is all bust ! The water’s all spouting, and running to waste ; We are reglar swomped out—do, for gracious, make haste!” They all sing the same song, but I dordles along ; To expect me to ’urry is coming it strong! And when I arrives, oh! the blokes and their wives, And the slaveys nigh worritted out of their lives ! Such \arks! There’s the water all squashin’ and squirtin’, And tricklin’, and streamin’, and spoutin’, and spirtin’, And everythink dancin’, and drenchin’, and dirtin’, Spilin’ ceilings, and wails, and the Guvnor’s front-shirtin’, As he tries to stop wents, his white knuckles much ’urtin’, Which makes him use languidge,—oh, ain’t it diwertin’ : Then the mean ’uns, as, bent upon saving a mag, Tries botchin’ the ’oles up with putty and rag! Don’t I drench them to nights? Don’t I tip it ’em stiff ? Ain’t it serumptious to watch ’ow they boggle and sniff ? Oh, I do hate a stingy and meddlin’ old messer ! Then I outs with my tools, with my shaveback and dresser, She. **Do vou SPEAK ENGLIsH, Sir?” He. ‘*Hétas! Non, MADEMOISELLE!” (Sighs deeply.) My turnpin and egg-iron, solder and soil, My taller, and rosin, and whitelead, and oil. (Arf on ’em ’s no use, but they make ® fete show, And with green ’uns that’s jest arf the fight, don’t yer know.) Then I turns up the earpets and ile-cloths all round ; Tramps up and down stairs with a thunderin’ sound ; And I arsks for a fire, and I ’ints for some beer, And I kicks up a stink as makes Missis turn queer. If they “‘ part,”” wy I cock my heye knowing and chat ; If they don’t, I turn sulky and swear at the cat— Which she always comes sniffing and goes on the scare— If they ’urries, t tells ’em to keep on their ’air ; For a job such as this is a thing as takes time. Wy not? Easy does it, and fudgin’s nocrime. _ Then, when they ’re well soaked, worried out of their wits, And the fire nigh poked out with my irons and bits, When the fumes of my solder has got in their eves, When I ’ve sp’iled a few gimcracks with lampblack and size, Dro pea taller in lumps on the floors here and there, And broken the back or the seat of a chair, Broke three or four bells, or maybe ’arf-a-dozen, When everyone’s grubby and cross and ’arf frozen, Wy I manages somehow to fake up a jint— If they think it’s a laster, it may disappoint, ’Cos we’ve got to make ne Hs ile the sun shines, yer know, Leastways, pile the dibs while there ’s frost, ice, and snow. There is lots more e_wolting I sarves them the same, And so, smart and lively, keeps up the game. Other trades may spout strong "bout the beauties o’ summer, But a jolly ’ard winter ’s the time for the Plumber! Home-Rvuters nor at Home.—In England.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Fesrvary 15, 1879. SoNoe Sa) ip YY) / ant i ‘ \\ \ \ \ "\\ ‘ ‘) i yey \\ \\ j 4 \\e i NN = a ‘HOT WATER, SIR!”

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Fesruary 15, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69 AT THE SHRINE OF ST. VALENTINE. GZaa_= ae ¥) * oe the imitators, have taken to flood the world with sweetness and song, in the shape of pretty cards, odoriferous sachets, and graceful httle caw oh of fans, earrings, brooches and so forth, speeded by graceful verses, old and new, and wreathed with flowers that breathe odours only less sweet than the living blossoms they imitate, no wonder if Valentines be once more in fashion. Punch has no objection, if the Postmen don’t mind. But when they are carrying their burdens on the 14th, a few hundred-weight, more or less, matters not much. Suppose the notion to be d oped, and his friends to want hints for the 14th, let them vie and choose among the following Gift- Valentines : — To Lord Beaconsfield, x of Conjuring Tricks. To Mr. Gladstone.—The Heart of Mid Lothian. To Sir Wilfrid Lawson.—The old game of the Inexhaustible Bottle. To Professor Edison.—An Extinguisher for the Electric Light. To the Gas and Coke Company.—The story of Aladdin—or what comes of changing old lights for new ones. To the Sultan of Turkey.—A new Loan on old securities. To the Khédive of Egypt.—A breed of Bears from the London Stock Ex To Prince Bismarck.—A bundle of Spills for pipe-lights (made from torn-up Trea To am Waddington.—A Suit of couleur de rose (in exchange for the Cambridge ‘ St To the French lie. A te | but a Grévy Spoon. And to Mr. Punch.—Seven tons of Voluntary Contributions for the waste-paper basket. Six of them ringing the changes on Peace and Grévy. THE CROWN AND ITS SERVANTS. A Comedy of Real (Co-operative) Life (Ac- cording to the Middle-Man). Scene—The luru rnished drawing- ieee Weat - Bad discovered ; bong’ on the baleony, and hartreuse Verte, from a Co- ative Sure, tn in tumblers. Time, srs two in the afternoon. First preze. Come b> gongs a my boy, another glass, ae lounge down together, and Servant, As ear s arene Varpoes 62 walkie a ad priva’ on Governmen: peeee, ond _ the a ! hal way { serve the “ irst Servant. Serve it out, you should say, rather. Excellent! But I wasn’t re- ferring to the Tooth-pick and a button Office. Wo, I haven’t set m is Bere for Chie meat 8, mohey 9) sag m your man. Many are the six hours at a ny og that I have ode 3 day y, week tr! 2 = year, - r ie fe ne Sony, ween Uwe i fe a halve CHOLMONDELEY, it is a wild and ecirring aa ce big Lag Line Yes, in truth, and enables us, while we “gy 4 like Duk es, to do so, if at some sacrifice of principle, at least at a moderate cost. Ay, it is a stirring life! Many a ton of lemon-drops and bird-seed have I had in without wanting them, merely to annoy the upstart tradesman, who would sell them to me at an exorbi- tant profit. Second Servant. Hush! Not so loud! - ~ street bl shop another omnibus — of respectable 6 copers on its way to the W pat oe that i e thirteenth I have counted this noon, Ha! ha! we triumph! Did they think to battle with wealth lke ours? First Servant. You are right, PLawta- GENET. Let the dogs bark. It wants some- more than the ruin of the whole trade of England to touch the roy- stering, reckless, spendthrift Crasuses, who like you and me, touch not a penny less less of the public money —— Second Servant, Than £220 a year a- picoe, rising by £5 annual increment to (They finish the Chartreuse as the Cur- tain falls. Choice by Caucus. Ir may be doubted if the proceedings of ** The General ttee of ‘Two Hun- tion” the other day in Caucus assembled, and a Competitive Examination for Members o Parliament, are likely to bene- fit the Liberal interest. Yet they may not, iti tn -~ Rap ya art mreetnionen “S~ — raring ny be i a P ~~ a ae = = : os z Rises * bar

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Pe a es eee So F

70 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 15, 1879.

—— oe w- ~ <i eS <= ——w a ai

“‘ALARUMS, EXCURSIONS.” Perplexed Old Lady (at Scotch Junction in a Fog). ‘‘ AH HAE MA BuNDLE—AN’ AH HAE MA TEECK’T—BUT FA’S THE Des-Srpe Ret-ro’p !!”

SCIENTIFIC CAUSES AND EFFECTS. Mr, Puncn, My ignorant and sluggish mind has been roused to some semblance of activity by certain communications to the Public Press touching “ the influ- ence of the Spots on the Sun onthe Iron Trade.”’ I rejoice that this theory has been propounded —I hope not ironically—because it seems to point to an explanation of other mysterious influences which have long defied the astro- nomer, the philosopher, the biologist and the natural historian. Why (for example) are earthquakes invariably followed by commotions in the South American Republics ? Why is an eruption of Vesuvius sure to be followed, through some un- aceountable law of cams and effect, by an outbreak of measles in the County of Middlesex ? Why is a landslip simultaneous with the failure of a bank ? Why are the craters in the moon affected by the depression of trade ? Why are a blazing comet with a long tail and a brilliantly successful novel in three volumes so often coincident in their appearance ? Why is the ebb and flow of the tide connected with the increase and decrease of marriages in the United Kingdom ? Why is a falling star coupled with ALBERT Grant’s failure ? Why does the planet Venus shine with particular brightness on St. George’s, Hanover Square ? Why is a parhelion, or mock sun, a link with the Viceroy of IRELAND ? Why is a rainbow in Spring certain to be succeeded by a display of prismatic colours in drapers’ windows Why do dairy-farmers (as it is believed) secretly worship the moon ? Why was the “Great Bear” looked up to as an authority on the Eastern Question ? How are we to account for the remarkable phenomenon of the rolling-stock of the Great Northern Railway being affected, in the Winter quarter, by the Aurora Borealis or Northern Lights ? When I ponder the connection between the Spots on the Sun and the Iron Trade, I do not despair of finding in due time a solution of these and many simi problems which shall be overwhelmingly convincing even to an ‘ GNORAMUS. Austria have agreed to declare the sti Treaty of Prague reserving to North to elect its nationality null and void. Prince ala: ‘ righ’ 1 c ISMARCK, like Falstaff, doesn’t like back. The Great similar | Chancellor never refunds. Considering the m His Highness has accustomed himself to , the wonder is that he can

THE PALACE OF ART. I suit myself a high-art pleasure-house } For my sick soul at peace therein to dwell. I said, ** I have the true esthetic nous, And can design it well.” ’T was dull red brick, with gables set galore, And little light did through the windows pass, For ’twas shut out by thick lead frames that bore Quarrels of grey-green glass. The dadoed walls, in green were stained, no tint Which common blue and yellow mingled make ; But green y-wrought—of sepia without stint— With indigo and lake. Nee guia panel nor enamelled slate Vas there to jar on my artistic sight ; Plain ebon woodwork framed the open grate, And over,—blue and white. Two lovely griffins, made of burnished brass, I found, to guard the fireplace on each side, With curling tails (though one was lost, alas!), And mouths that gapéd wide. All round the rooms were shelves of black-dyed deal, On which stood pots and plates of every hue ; Whilst far apart two liliéd angels kneel In Robbia white and blue. One deep recess, serge-covered, like a lawn, Held, on a brass-nailed shelf, its seat of state, Apart from other pots and pans withdrawn, An ancient kitchen-plate. “ Hence whilst the world runs round and round,”’ I said, “*T will send forth my wits to gather wool ; With task or toil I will not vex my head; But on that plate feed full.” So day and night upon that plate I gazed, And strove to fix thereon what thought I had ; Until my sight grew dim, and my sense dazed, And my digestion bad. My brain shrunk like a nut adust and dried ; I felt that I was not at all myself, And longed to lay my dwindled wits beside That plate upon that shelf. That ancient — of willow-pattern blue, Which so absorbed had m our thought, I seemed to live thereon, slowly grew Confucian, clear of thought. One year I gazed upon that much-loved plate, Till at the last the sight began to pall. I said, ‘‘ How know I ’tis of ancient date, Or China-ware at all?” So when one year was wholly finished, I put that willow-pattern plate away. ‘* Now rather bring me Satsuma!” I said, ** Or blue-green Cloisonnée. ‘* For I am sick of this peryading hue, Steeped wherein this Eq stream, and sky, To my heart-weary question, ‘ Is all blue?’ * Yea, all is blue,’ reply. ** Yet do not smash the plate I so admired When first my high esthetic house I built ; I may come back to it, of Dresden tired, And Sévres gaily gilt.”

Beati Possidentes. Ir is announced that the Emperors of Germany and en of oe esses live without,

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fepRuaRY 15, 1879.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SESS A “ONER” FOR OUR ARTIST. Our Artist, ‘‘ WHAT soRT OF FELLOW’S THE NEW ASSOCIATE, JEAKES !?” His Model. ‘‘Veny Nick GENTLEMAN INDEED, Sir.” Our Artist. ‘* GooD-LOoKING !” His Model. ‘‘Ou pgAR NO, Stn! Weanks SPECTACLES er) aN SN Vp a oF Vv $2 -Garit5 Zs CLAY V. COTTON, Wer recommend to the considera- tion of our friend The Textile Manu- Sacturer, who was 80 severe on Punch for his assault on the adulterators of cotton cloths with China clay, the report of the case of Provand y. Laughton lately decided action was for dama tained by o Ciodlspation 0 certain of grey shirting ex From Manche to Shanghai. tiffs said the discoloration was be ogy to seaman oo b om weeps © the package ty fi So nas oe ~. and the Plaintiffs got a verdict e ~— facturer of the cloth himself ie ees y, chloride o nesium, my chloride of ane Pe me manager of the sizing depenteneah, admitted that each piece of 374 yards ought to weigh 8} Ib., Star Resonant bee ut 31b. of size; it might some ounces more ; it might be 3 Ib. 12 oz. or 4 lb.” Thus the weight of the so- called ‘‘ cloth” being about 8 * one half consists of cotton, the rest of China clay, farina, and chemicals, Pleasant for the customers of our friends, the ‘Millers and their Men,” at home and abroad. ooo HARD TO CRACK, Nvoss: Exercises on the Syntax of the Public School Latin Fm Query, will this book be “ nuts” to outhful readers for whom it is kindly intended ? Home or THE Home-Rvuiers (in their flurry).—Pat-agony-a. 1” THE COMING LION. THERE appears to bea treat in store for the British ‘‘ Population.” They have reason . e opt the arrival, shortly, of a great Lion—not a Lion im JamRacH, or destined for the Zoological Gardens. a this Lion goes forth he will afford the Masses the gratification of blocking the streets in their thousands to stare at _ It is a Lion of the Teutonic breed; an European Lion: — ps as great a Lion as any to be seen at Madame Tvssavn’s. ewspapers announce that :— “The rumour ain in circulation that Prince Brsmarcx will this year pay his lonpedeforred visit to England. The Prince, gossip says, will not reside with Lord Satisnury, nor with any of the statesmen who have offered him hospitality, but take apartments at Brighton or Scarborough, like a common mortal. Here gain, should Prince Bismarck honour this oom with a — evince another point of resemblance to te and JoHnson. Quite open to gers —— private Foal JOHNSON nevertheless avowed a resence for the tion of a well-appointed ao erg mt Sir,” said he, “in an inn the more trouble you give and the more good things you call for, the more ey you are,’’—you can order anything without scruple—‘‘ whereas, Sir, nobody, unless he is a very impudent fellow indeed, can feel et Mims _— as much at ease in another man’s house as he can in Though modesty ma meer be the Great Chancellor’s most remark- able virtue, yet nobody, perhaps, would go uite so far as to say that he is ‘‘a very impudent fellow indeed.’ His! epee as it may well be called, has him to entertain peculiar ” ilections ; but he would "perhaps hardly have cheek enough to bring his own cook with him to a nobleman’s or gentleman’s seat, in order to gratify The advent of an as istinguished will of course create a sensation amongst —— ¢ahilosophers addicted to strange food. the Lion Bremancx come over here, his arrival will perhaps re- awaken a dormant enthusiasm; and hippop phagists, anxious to ascertain “the Lion’s opinion of horse, may invite him to dine with them off the Noble Animal. Whether he would care to eat horse- flesh or no, he might like horse-mushrooms well enough to take part ina uet, season permitting, of those and other varieties of Pilz und Schwamm, known to mycologists as esculent fungi ;— vulgarly called toadstoo From England if Prince Brsmancx extend his progress North of the Tweed, of course the Scotch will be extremely eutuons to know what his Highness thinks of haggis, Athole ae cocky-leekie sour sowans, my bannocks, singed sheep’s head, and rizzared haddies. It ma be presumed that, on trial, his estimate will be highly favourable. he Great Lion of Varzin is an animal whose known in r of p will naturally create in many min curiosity to see the Lion at his he carnivora i Regent’s Park, we know, are restricted to raw meat; he is accustomed to e himself on a variety of A a. delicacies. Every Lion to his liking, biped and quadruped alike. »culiarities a special No Trust! THERE was a rous Parsee, by present payment, fame. ce took he , his plan, trisndet invite you to employ, And save, and thrive, as did that man Hight Reaprmoney “Monroy. For some time past, omittle hes been oon booed of hippophagy. Should Tae Scotcu Game.—Beggar my Neighbour.

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* | and Piety ; or | been surreptitiously introduced to the & | with one of the Assistant Warders. The Authorities are on the [Fepavary 15, 1879. RELIEVING GUARD. Passworp—‘“ British INTEREsTs.”’ OUR FASHIONABLE CRIMINAL INTELLIGENCE COLUMN. (With Mr. Punch’s Acknowledgments to his Daily Contemporaries.) Mr. Wriwiam SrKes is paying a round of visits to the Governors of several of Her Majesty's Gaols in the Southern and Western Counties. He has just left Portland for Dartmoor, and may soon be expected at Millbank. Mr. Srxes has recently directed his atten- | tion to mat-making, and expresses himself much interested in the manufacture. F ‘ Mr. Cuartes Bares has been gallantly going on with his great oakum wager. On Thursday last he worked up no less than five — of the material. This is understood to be a feat rarely outdone. Mrs. Saran Swnooxs, the well-known Baby-Farmer, has been slightly indisposed. She has been removed to the infirmary, and ordered an improved diet. A relative of this interesting and un- fortunate Lady visited her last week, and had a short but earnest conversation with her. Mrs. Snooxs is engaged on her own Memories, which will contain some very curious reminiscences and revelations, both of fashionable, professional, and criminal life, especially from the debateable ed where these three social streams fall in with one another. Mr. Jenemian SNEAK has been palin a course of Lectures on “Christian Experiences,” by the Rev. Janez CHApBAND. It is said that the term of Mr. Swxax’s detention is about to be shortened at Mr. CuapBaNnp’s recommendation. Mr. Sneak has received a presentation copy of Mr. CHapsBann's well-known brochure, ‘‘ Pies e Pastryeook of Putney.” Mr. Facuy has, we to say, lost a week’s marks for ol chasing from a fellow-prisoner a plug of tobacco, supposed to have B. Gallery by connivance qui vive. Master Dopeer made a very successful début on the Treadmill on Thursday last. Master Dopexr’s style is firm and graceful; and with a few weeks’ practice he may be expected to take a high rank among the most skilful practitioners in the art of always going up stairs, and never ing to the top. Mr. How enr’s second entertainment entitled ‘“‘ A Quarter of an PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | OUR SWEET GIRL-GRADUATES. ‘* EpucaTION oF Women.—There is a talk at Cambridge of building a fresh hall of residence for | lady students. Girton College is being a second | time enlarged, and is always full. Newnham Hall is quite full, and so is Norwich House, which has | been taken temporarily, although very unsuitable | for a permanent establishment. Twenty other | students have to be accommodated in lodgings, | besides many who reside with friends or relatives | in Cambridge. The number of 8 from | those intending to enter next October is already | large. Comsequently it is proposed to build a new hall close to Ken am Hall of about the same size. Very probably lecture-rooms suited for the | general work of the Women’s Educational Associa- tion may be included in the plan. Asum of about £3000 is already available for the but required. | at least £10,000 will be me m in * Here’s Girton pb aie ——— irl-gradua' showing, That in Arts their weight they pull. And M.A.’s, their eyes are piping, As girl-graduates’ claims To the shoes they were wiping, But soon will be game to wear. The Diurnal Distress. Fartvres, Strikes, Explosions, Accidents —Railway, Naval, Military, and other— Reports of Bloated Armaments, Torpedoes, Shells, and in Inventions and pppeine for the Wholesale Destruction of Human Life. ‘‘ Bring me no more re- ports!” as Macbeth says. Bother the newspapers! No news is good news. | Vatentrve’s Day, 1879.—The day Mr. | Vau. PrrysEp was elected A.R.A. | hour with the Cat o’ Nine Tails,” is fixed to come off on Friday |next. Mr. How er will be assisted by two Warders, and the Prison Doctor will be in attendance. The condemned cell will be tenantless on Monday morning next, the present oceupant having arranged with the Sheriff to give up en of the apartment on-that day at five minutes to eight 0 CLOCK. We are requested by the late Mr. Scroeerns’s Solicitors to state that his last breakfast included pork chops, coffee, buttered toast, and a couple of fresh eggs, and was apne from the “ Pig and Whistle” Restaurant. Their etngee ed client expressed himself much pleased with the style and quality of the déjeuner. In Due Succession. ‘* Av a full meeting of the Council of the Zoological Society, on the 5th inst., Professor WiLL1AM Henry Fiowenr, F.R.S., Conservator of the Museum of the Royal College of Surgeons, was unanimously elected President of the Society, in succession to the late AnrHuR Hay, Marquis of Tweeddale. The new President is one of the most learned zoologists and anatomists of the pre- sent day.’’— Times, O’ER the Animal Kingdom the Vegetable hath power, Now Birds and Beasts and Fishes are presided o’er by FLowEr. “* Better fresh blossom than dried grass,” the Fellows well may say, When they thus set up Flower in successorship to Hay. Food for Fellow Creatures. Tue wise and valuable communications of Mr. Warp to the Times, extolling an exclusively vegetable diet, derive confirmation from a popular Spying rant to a certain quadruped which subsists entirely upon vegetable food, and exhibits, somewhat in anal with Mr. Waxrp’s esteem of pulse, a ity-for thistles ; alth at times evincing rather a desire to “a impression that ‘‘ good hay, sweet hay, hath no fellow.” This quadruped—by the way a strict Teetotaller as well as V ian— is so generically distinguished by longevity, as to have occasioned, from time immemorial, the common observation, that nobody has ever beheld its defunct remains. e of hay,” and an 4 To Conznsronpuwts.—The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. Copies should be kept.

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(err Fry ays | Fesrvary 22, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 73 NEVER SPEAK IN A HURRY. The Hospitable Jones. ‘‘ Yes, WE’RE IN THE SAME OLD PLACE, WHERE YOU DINED WITH Us LAST YEAR. By THE BYE, OLD May, I wish you AND YOUR WIFE WOULD COME AND TAKE POT-LUCK WITH US AGAIN ON THE——” The Impulsive Brown (in the of his determination never again to take Pot-luck with the Joneses). ‘‘My paam Fattow! So sorry! Bur we’Re EN- GAGED ON THE—A—ON THE—ER—ON TH-TH-THAT Eveninc!”’ Poor Jones (pathetically). ‘‘Wutt, o1p Man, Yor MIGHT HAVE GIVEN ME TIME JUST TO NAMB THE Day.” THE BEST POSSIBLE INSTRUCTOR OF THE PERIOD. Home ayp Foreten INTELLIGENCE. (By Electric Telegraph and Special Despatch.) of much importance to the Army, the Navy, and the Legal, SEVERAL meetings the Medical and Commercial classes, were held yeste ay, but we regret that the a me ee upon our space prevents us from giving any report of these very We 4 of further strikes in various parts of the country. The crowded condition of our columns renders the publication of details at present impossible. an are forced to reduce our Parliamentary Intelligence to-day to a quarter of a pomeg Very We are ompeli news reaches us from America, Australia, Africa, and Asia. by pressure of matter to defer its publication to a future |of Shareholders, for the positively unlimited lie-ability ae >) ww Reports, Money Market, and University Intelligence are unavoid- ably aan out. Caries Hore. (From Our Special Commissioner.) are equally so to learn the latest news about his movements. e Governor of the gaol in which he is in- carcerated 5 bs the whole of his time in answering in- quires, and, the business of the prison has come to a The warders are visi daily by scores of = of the Press, and all ‘‘ fixtures” for floggings. &c., have had to be postpon ed, There is no one to Sitend to the machinery of the Vreadmill, so for the present the risoners have had to forego their customary exercise. kum-picking, too, is Ls but suspended. Yesterday Hore breakfasted at half-past nine. He com ed of the weakness of the tea, and asked for egg. After an extra nful had ie =- - the pot he became quite ch and joked attendant warders. He made several very pone = his own name and that of the new President of French blic. i } At eleven Horg received a visit from the that the Authorities had third Cou is 7 the Authorities to have been to for the in’ by a morbid curiosity any other and motive. At twelve Hore was visited the Docto are glad to ‘say, is much were Fy oD er ti weight and spirits, under the uences of and a carefully- dietary. Hors = tages with his be deply i Adviser for es ur, hens, and Oooo ussian . ‘ool the progres on learning t there one ce of terrible disease reach- England. It appears that spread of the Plague 4 the poe c sits visiting our lea had ca In the ais at = ‘afternoon the er continued his suteiogtephy, one of the Warders acting as his Amanbuensis. He also sent the following letter to his Her Majesty's Gaol. My Dear Wire AND CHILDREN, I pon’t know where youare; but this leaves me well hoping you are the same. ease repent, and do your best to get me off. It is perjury to say | killed six le. Ion iy pated five. I am writing a book of private which p send to the newspapers for publi- cation. Your affectionate Father and Friend, Cuanies Hore + his mark. The Warder declares that this was the sense, if not exactly the words, of the letter dictated by him, without the slightest hesitation. he communication will be read by all who have watched the career of this wonder- ful man with the test interest. The Governor of the Gaol believes that the devotional work to which Horz alludes will be finished by Thursday. At Two the Chaplain sent in his mel, but the Prisoner declined to see him, on the seore that he was much fatigued _ wished to by J nap. learning this the Reve- and retired. rene ) interesting article will be found on 5, 6, 7 raf manidilare ise published i in our later editions ) How ever He has Stood It so Long! Sr: Henry £stane fe is coming ae i his merves ttered, sottenes prostrated. at wonder meres "Mirch eh Bull was no match for the im : ible, sepeaitle le, and impecunious Turk. “Gutta cavat lapidem, non vi, sed s#pe cadendo.”’ THE BANKING REFORM NEEDED. To substitute the (comparatively) limited lie-ability of Directors, (Vide Glasgow Bank revelations.) THE REAL KiNG OF CONNAUGHT. Ir i S B. him shift ‘‘ Arthur's I burglar’ are ell attracting tnivefeal stiention All Susate ofthe Soman) yalty as the community universal attention. A VOL. LXXVI. H to Dublin ts to make oo as loyal and as Seotland, let J | i } '

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v4 : PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 22, 1879, ” BOS oy sis 4 | { ~ "Le Pt 7 Ministerial explanations are, at least, as bad as one Queen’s Speech. ~ y +. ws 5 Tuurspa y,|A half-hour of Lord Braconsrreip, cold-drawn, in the House of ~ “Site ee Feb. 13th,| Lords; an hour of the Cuancettor of the Excnequer, diluted ; i ——- =” 1879. | ditto to BEAconsrIELD, in the Commons, are hardly an improvement rath j | on even the time-honoured mazimum of words to a minimum Another link in the chain of years; _ | meaning put into Her Maszsry’s mouth as the right sort of intro- Another St. Stephen’s Session begins ; | duction to her Collective Wisdom. — dash at the danvil - al |_ No, if even Queen’s Speech be but silvern, it is not Ministerial speech, , wixt hammer end anvil of Outs and Ins. | but silence, that is golden. And now, more than ever, “‘ only silence **For what we have not received”—i.e., for no Queen’s Speech | seemeth best,” to those who sit, sorrowful, in the shadow m ¢ a great —Punch might be expected to say, “let us be thankful.” But two | National disaster; one sad sympathy in all hearts with the mourners

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Feprvuary 22, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AWFUL CONDITION OF THE UNEMPLOYED IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE LATE FROST. in so em, homes; one great, common grief over so many of the 0 brave, the loved, and the lost ; one common misgiving as to the un- avoidableness of the war in which they have fallen, and the fore- sight of those who should have made provision for its needs at home, and guided its ne ee in the field. In the meantime, England’s sorrow uttered, and her tribute to the | man brave dead dul paid, for which she can count on eloquent tongues on both" sides of . Houses, her only thought is, how best to retrieve her National on and fill up the places of her brave dead with brave avengers. ese thoughts so pre-occupied all in both Houses on Thursday night th en the speeches in both fell flat. Vaunt and gga oy th attack and defence, seemed equally spiritless In se ds, Lord BreaconsFreLp blew his trumpet with bated | p breath. After a few first notes of sorrow over the disaster that lay heavy on all hearts, he set to work coutionsty picking such bits of a de rose as could be extracted from the most roseate view of Sad oxy under its now familiar aspects of the Berlin Treaty, the Anglo- urkish Convention, the future of Cyprus, and the Afghan War, -— we are glad to know, has achieved all the Government ever ), and then to the most promising view of the future in the aeod of Bills,—or rather promissory notes,—of the Session, including an amended Mutiny Act, not meant to oust Parliament of its yt ary Bills for Criminal Law Consolidation, Bank- aes fm ey a County Boards, and new Valuation in land, Juries in ireland, a Poor Law Amendment in Scotland. Lord GRanvILLE did his ca as gingerly, as Lord BEAcons- FIELD had done his ma Bn and promising gently. The Opposition hammers, he , had not smitten with undue heaviness on the Official anvils. He contended, i in the teeth of the bolts fo: by | Eastern Guestion. Mulciber. py he and his friends Aad had a po Petaleted ot hevingsuportd tie mgpeton of te quack cide ed fr | ni ving su] es on of the quack medicine o tion as a panacea for the existing distress ; and under the Zulu disaster the Government might count on the aid of the Opposition for the repair of losses and the supply of needs. Still, the sufficiency of the case for the war with CeTEwAro was open to question on the Papers, and it was odd that when Sir Bartre FREE so pressed the need of cavalry, the Government had sent none. Lord Capocan said the Government had sent all that Lord CuEtmsrorD had asked for. He had said nothing about Sevaley. Lord Carnarvon, from his Colonial Office experience, be the war to have been both just and inevitable. But we must wait for on before committing ourselves to an opinion on that point, or others. Only one thing is certain—we must strike now our est and fastest, lest we should increase alike the cost, the danger, and the area of the war Lorp Krwper.xy doubted whether the annexation of the Trans- vaal had not been the determining cause of the war and the disaster. But h we might differ vr the policy of the Government, Home or Colonial, there could be no doubt what the honour of the en E and the safety of the Colony, demanded in the Prvith whic +a Taal night’s dull talk went out prematurely, twenty minutes after seven, for sheer want of fuel. Every . i fact is out of spirits, and nobody wants a row. (Commons.)—Mr. Biaxe got a laugh—flat as the House was—b whether it was right for the C pergy of = Established Chure to set up in the grocery and tobacco business Whokon oo peda amide an as far as they maar’ as the most poorly paid body of men in HANCELLOR of the ExcnxequeEr delivered himself of a dangeld and long-winded echo of his Principal in the Lords. One bit of in- formation he did give. India insists on paying the cost of our war with the Amezr. The utmost it will accept from us is the loan of Two Millions, without interest—to cover loss by depreciation of pee eos Seats Fae AAS 0 pete. Sir C. Drtxx performed the work of vivisection on Sir StarroRD’s very colourless creation with rather more spirit than Lord Graw- VILLE had done the same office'on Lord Baacoxsrne. 8. The Chelsea -governing ing up the only power that held the

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| country in political cohesion? Easier asking than answering ques- | tions of this nasty sort. | the capacities of the harbour made. | This “ fit of light, this | and O'Corwor Power, f ELDON, Gray, and O’SRAUGHNFsSY, ‘‘ bore | between twelve and one, with a feeling modified from Trrvs’s— oe if e ) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Fasrvary 22, 1879. All Sir Starrorp, or his master, can say, is, that they have made up their minds to get out of the Afghan alére as soon, and as cheaply, as possible: and that those wish to commit the Govern- ment to the oceupation of Cabul, or even Herat, will find they have a harder task on hand than expected. They have quite occu- pation oon on their hands already. Sre W. Harcourt delivered an amusing lecture on Cyprus, illustrated by dissolving views en noir, as a pendant to the First Lord of the Admiralty’s picture of that interesting island en rose, lately exhibited to another Westminster audience. _ . Mr. Mrrewert-Hewry spoke in the voice of indignant and ill- used Ireland—the voice that we have hitherto heard out of a Burr if not through a bung-hole, and with very much the same hollow ring about it. e Marguis of Hartiwetor sd languidly turning over the topies of time—the A t ar, the Treaty of Berlin, he Anglo-Turkish Convention, the Zulu Disaster — succumbed submissively to the flatness of the evening. momentary flicker by insisting on the ita occupation, and The Frast Lorn of the Ap LTY im a to the smouldering embers of the night’s it éver came to be beauties of s, the of profit out uties of Oypra prospee © P e of flame” was eagerly fanned by Sir d on the other. But Grorce ELLIOT of one ™* t’s talk alive; ad a general chorus nothing could keep the of Irish discontent endi é in a motion for urnment, in which Major Notan and Sir "Barren, Messrs. ONNELL, PARNELL, a brave burdoun,” crowned by 9 solemn imprecation upon the Go- vernment—in the Major's grand manner, with folded arms and fied yoice — utter hatred and contempt,” { this Irish “blend” failed to put spirit into the House, what won- der if the temperate but tive wail of Sir G. BALrouk over the cruel mockery of t eo people of Scotland, as implied in the seurvy trea t ir griev: * the Government programme, did not awaken any more sym barely sufficed to keep a House for Sir SrarroRn’s gene Mr. LowrTHEr’s pro- test against Government beigg eon v ing in the newspapers. It was all very easy to talk about t 8 iversity Question, but the Government could not be expected to take up Irish hot pokers, only to have the pleasure of burning their fingers, and no thanks for it from either side. And so, drearily and wearily, the House dispersed, somewhere ** Perdidimus noctem.” Friday (Lords).—Lord G@RaxvVILiE wants to know—as no doubt do a many other le—how Afghanistan is to be made “ strong self-governing, and independent,” by the drastic doctoring of Lord BraconsFreLp and his Indian stants. Lord B. disclaims the “* strong,’”’ but stands up for the “ self-governing and independent.” Well—certainly the weg hn fairly be called ‘‘ self-governing,” in Oe sense 0 deving no ay ut meee © pore and “‘ inde- pendent,” as it has, apparently, nothing epend npon. Lord Sarissury ised pa to show that the policy of the Government had led to the withdrawal of the Russian Emissaries from Cabul. Whether oer had, or had not, cleared out before we declared war, will be settled by the papers. Lord Bury brought forward the Report of the Committee on the Organisation of the Volunteer Force. Small Corps are to be amalga- mated. The maximum of the force is to be fixed at 250,000, Encouragement is to be given to engagements to serve for four years. More drills are to be required; and red coats are recom- mended. No increase of the capitation grant is proposed, but additional allowances will be given under certain conditions. Summa—The War Office wants to get a little more official red tape round Volunteer legs and arms, and more professional buckram on Volunteer backs; and Lord Truro, for one, doesn’t like it. Probably a many Volunteer Commanding Officers will agree pa him. Punch waits to hear the voice of the Volunteer on the subject. Lord Truro and Lord Capocaw had a smart round or two over the still disputed question, whether Lord CHetmsrorp got all he asked for in the way of troops for Zululand. C. a. v. It is satisfactory to know we are going to send a Doctor to look after the Plague, if the Russians Will let us. The Duke of Ricamonp does not oxpee England to be favoured by a visit from this grim guest. Uniluckily, it is not likely to ask the Duke’s leave to come to us, as we have to ask the Czan’s leave for our Doctor to go to it. Commons.)—Irish divarsion. Better now than later. If we are to have a series of Donnybrook nights this Session, the sooner the shillelaghing begins—and ends—the better. tame “‘ foightin”’ as there was, was over Mr. Metpon’s Motion for the establishing of a £4 rating suffrage in Irish Boroughs. ‘The Marquis of Hartrveron, Mr. Forster, and the advanced Liberals generally, backed the Motion; the Irish Liberals supported the Irish Conservatives, and the Government opposed it. Its rejec- tion was a foregone conclusion; but 187 to 256 was at least a respectable minority, and speaks of success, probably in the not very far-off future. How a_ lowe franchise would work in Ireland, remains to be seen. How has it worked inEngland? Does anybody quite know yet ? AN INVITATION OF THE (NOT VERY REMOTE) FUTURE. Letter from the Hon, Mrs, Swellington to Lady Diana Gadderer, Marwood Hall, November 5, 1879. My pearest Dr, Do get your old man to bring you to Marwood for a big shoot next week. It will great fun. The men will shoot Tuesday, Wi y, and Th y, and on Friday we will all drive over to the Assizes, hear the trial of that quite too awfully interest- ing creature, Sixes, for the murder of his wife and their three little children. Mr. Rant, $°, who is the Counsel for the Crown says that he cannot ibly get off, and Tom t the Sheriff to promise us the best seats in the front row of the reserved seats on the Bench, so that we shall have a capi- tal view of the Prisoner’s face when he is sentenced. On dit that Mr. Justice a iwho, T hear, is quite a darling) is going to . try the case, and that he is a hanging Judge. We will make a regular day of it, and take lun- cheon with us, so that we shall not miss anything. With a thousand kisses to your charming chicks, and as many loves to yourself, believe me, my dearest Dr, Yours devotedly, SwELLINeTon. . P.S.—Don’t forget to put your Opera-glasses into your travelling- ag. GERMAN GRAB-VEREIN (UNLIMITED). ABRIDGED PROSPECTUS. Tus Association has been formed for the purpose of ing its Shareholders the maximum of profit with the minimum of pa t. As the Di cs have secured tid Girvises ho Mahaeer oft tle- man of large experience in Con cing tions of the Most and su character, they confidently anticipaté sue- cess. wee obtained on false pretences at all hours of the day and rgains made and repudiated with ctuality and itch. oes : bs end robbed of Their private pre. neatly ani expedi ously. Treati , whethie of old or recent date, effectually broken at a few hours’ notice. Newspapers bribed and in the most effectual style. Conveyancing execu on the largest scale, and in all its branches, Political and Diplomatic. Sole Acting Manager—Priyce Vor BisMakck. Head Offices—Berlin. Sir Stafford’s Last—and not Best. Sik Srarrorp got a smart facer from the Chelsea Pet—and v it—for Connecting the present wide-spread distress with late severe weather, and being silly enough to e the that the of pore hg gh AA. e rise Of weather- lass. He will yet have to learn that distress like the present is To-night twigs were comparatively tame, tempers comparativel tranquil, and treading on coat-tails comparatively harmless. Suc tress, whether or no.

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eres Which i've part *ve patted his back all along, and pertended in eve To pereete, that » fod he with h Sometimes it wot our, my dear, ant fe outalie bt ed up to a Radical being sa net's sop sho yet fw ne Bat i bee got at and nob spite of te wi “he © Country will ais ti Sach ott, Gat Wil certainly’ pon pe I ha 7. B Yes; a-echoin’ what I’ve bin sayin’ For months. Ji re piteiitive | The Thund Jupiter, playing ic", réle of an | ae B totes Seamgnemttiat>: 50 Belay. Well, papery en | Ae Spe Mit Sage A RES Heited for Juno a nag, My dear J.,—so don’t finger th that fid ty i toh Cos you ki ow that damp dae Sat Sdsety ie a we Sage I te” ‘a abs Thete! there! Why should pardners dear J., that’ & Hot ai sini | hy hE ae eins | And be oat i the cold long. wallped along the whole line I’ aferd there's no for’ a ty Werry last’ And now As a pen Fi like the ‘test—wWwhich “them aed But they ’arrowed this patriot buzztim and mioved me and Sarrey to tears. To think as the a, Dy ve fought for should round on Old England like so! Turnin’ anti-Imperial traitors !—I tell ou, dear J., it’s a blow. P Can you lend mea dry pockethandkercher, J upiter ? Mine is that—— or Heaven’s sake, Madam, dry up, and whatever you do, do not gush. It’s such shocking bad form! Betsy. ’Oity-toity ! You’re orful stuck-up, I declare! Do you think I ain’t learnt elercution, or studied that dear Lemprrkre ? — Not at all. But emotion, like trim or making a right-about-face, eeds finish, a delicate blending of subtle tion and grace ; Your sentiment erety Sens toning, your cat-in-pan turns are ‘too swift.— The trick of and ratting, you see, ig a very rare gift. Betsy. Jom i some say as you've lost it. But there!—no more words. In backin” wi hissy like winkin’—leastways till there ’s rayther more Of—you know, my dear J. P’raps you’ll put it in your own artistical “nm Jupiter. ao oo tired of the Ins, and means trying the Oule for Betsy. Jest so. Well, ta-ta! for the presink! (Astde.) A pompous, uplifted Jupiter. 1’ "re the honour to wish you good morning. (Aside.) A frowsy, vul- garian frump | Hush ! A VERY DELICATE SUBJECT. ‘‘ Painters are in peculiar relations with purchasers, and, unlike agents or men of business, they, as a rule, cannot at the moment of sale enter without constraint into all the details that would be necessary to protect their interests.”"—Memorial of the Royal Academy “a Artistic Copyright. Punch, ever considerate for highly-strung and sensitive natures, ie the following useful hints to considerate picture-buyers, Let the intending haser never for a oa Trine He his will do ‘well eae chitng ahh bum exp. a das a sa n or tee. i mais Weg es as a seing th oct an in us a ma) taken that d 4 oe ilbeden however remit; be ever ia to pioture-making, pemeensbenine, oo any ougeet h worm fonda hanibg at last been thus estab’ ting,” as a casually lished, ‘‘ pain ef cmntlonaaly amusement, not as a profession, may for the first time be u Fesrvary 22, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 17 BETSY PRIG AND THE THUNDERER. two," in what, for 6 freaky he cela hie Stadio, but atisk Betsy. Which Tom happy and proud to observe you’ve come over complete to rah tal rv suaresiy to call Ube beeee, | Jupiter. Your side, my good woman? You joke! in, and t ihe not na y suggesting business— Betsy. lena Come now, don’t go a tryin’ Hating let ty after pg 2 OY Found hs terias, tk b e . ’ The "igh Oss an een, m dese J. J., ’co8 you see we are in the same boat, 1 ae BS ha Bet, withoat offence, pro- And oes in it ’tis but lately bly Fos 've altered your note; oy oe nen > make : dinner; but lee gl be nish, Grr al Hansen ral object about the plekare, " our a +) y ’ H ‘anion from old Grapstine. I give ‘tm the ’ ‘int, pooty | all chance " am Bae. at Tae oo carceration No doubt, is punishment sewere To prisoners of _— sta- [ooptaiel to enjoy good cheer. > Arter all their : therbeds lyin’, == To haveto sleep on a wooden : plank, a” course they = finds it uncom- mon tryin’ ; As, leastway ys, one of the Glas- gow Bank, In the ‘abit of that’s in, For breakfast allowanced a pint of gruel, their dinner—bread, ’taters, and suetty puddin’— Weighed out by the ounce, they must feel it cruel. But the ground ’s werry often a sojer’ hed be ints gab ae tnattness to tuve bis Leck ; And he sometimes wish he was no wus fed, And slep arf as on his bivooac i us every day. pe Ae eb yy the Jug, in evel servitood sent J -_—_ now If, at this point, the Artist give Seort of off- hand hint, that he “* has dabbled On my timber bed, rin my tidy cell! tuckin’ all

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8 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Fesrvary 22, 1879.

Landlady. **‘ How sHaut I MAKE ovT THE BILL FoR THIS ARTIS’ IN THE PaRtovr, Jonn? SHA! cacti HIM ‘Mr.’ on ‘Esquire’ ?” Landlord, ‘‘ Ou, YOU MAY WRITE HIM ‘ Esquire,’ AND CHARGE HIM ’ALF A SOVEREIGN EXTRY !”’ DIRTY WEATHER.

Yes, things look queer, the sky is drear, “* Aye, aye, Sir!” Punch replies, ‘* that tone The clouds show little signs of breaking. an weak eye-piping better fits you. But what of that? Away with fear ! Hold on that tack, you ‘ll hold your own, The good ship’s crew ’s averse to quaking. Though o’er the bows a stiff sea hits you. She labours, ay! In such a sea Queer steering may have helped storm’s work. A bark so laden’s no mere feather. No matter. Taut keep duty’s tether, ** But she has threshed through worse,” says he, Let none his share of that dare shirk, _ The Captain stout. ‘‘ You’ll not dash me And we’ll ride safe through mist and mirk With dirty weather ! Of dirty weather. “I’ve had some tastes of such before. ** We've lost some hands—God rest each soul ! Whilst I’ve good sea-room, Ill not funk it. Swept swift to death,—it sorely grieves us. Squalls oft have.tried the old ship sore, Their fate which thins our muster-roll, But, Lord be praised, have not yet sunk it. A bigger share of duty leaves us. Keep up your hearts! I hold the helm. Blow high, blow low, straight on we go, Preserve good watch, and pull together ; No halt, no hoisting the white feather ! Nor angry seas shall yet o’erwhelm Keep y = yy ~~ | Aloft, a-low, The stout old barkey, British Realm, What or, in devotion’s glow, Nor dirty weather !” Funks dirty weather ?” “ ” their rank and file, steady, “TELL THAT TO THE MARINES.” ne, enon Se y | sturdy, true to their duty, ~ —— their flag and = a We want sober, steady, strong, and seasoned men, to supply the | Under all circumstances, and against all provocations: their officers grievous gap left by defeat and disaster in our line of Scuthern | 00d men and true, r) a. poor, yy Le ~ African defence. The Marines,—2,000 of the best infantry and 800 | UMfashionable, un d, an ‘ompte bottles ” ell vinined © of the best artillery, in the English service,—are ready and willing Swelldom of the co as empty . rr to volunteer for this ugly and urgent duty. good fellows that have done their duty, and are y, to do it | “* Per mare, per terras” —is the motto of the Corps, the most *gain.” Here are om ge i 4 <n all — of unflinching, unwavering, unconquerable, incorruptible, and un- 908, to tackle the Zulu, and face he an nl “Pell hat youre ty of men in the Bes Ary ri omar and danger erin, Eo hae ca tral th ‘** You are wanted at the front.” Tell that to the Marines, and in 4 ee, | . the front you will find them. ’ and his warriors in very unmistakable language. | ** You are like to be out-numbered and over-matched.” Tell that to the Marines, and they will turn a deaf ear; or if they hear, they won’t believe you. Tue Reat ’Art or Mip-Lorn1an.—Catching the Constituency.

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°° PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Fesrvary 22, “DIRTY WEATHER, JOHN!!” Joun Butt. ‘ SHE’S THRESHED THROUGH WORSE!!” _ — a ak. oa Oh ae Eee ae }

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| Fesrvary 22, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81 | FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. Being a Brief Record of a few Winter-seasonable Visits to certain ‘ountry Houses. VISIT THE SECOND.—CHAPTER XIII. compelled, but always under Eater, bo sit down to the piano. | a Joa eawaro ar Pron’ (commen). | ge ala eh bg ie ser reds Hof same | Festivities in posse—Rise—Fisher the Talented—Revival—Music— | his audience, Refusals—The Victim— Victim’s Vengeance—Finish—Games— | Bilby—His Game—An Awakener — Disappointment—Time— Yo Cockamaroo—A fter all—Prospects. Prion still fondly clings to the that FisHEer do something to amuseus. FIsH- ER, however, care- fully avoids all topics tending in this direction. The conversa- tion flags. We are becoming me- ditative, and con- stantly checking the clock on the mantel-piece by > our watches. en, in answer to Prxton’s old- fashioned ques- tion, ‘‘ Shall we join the Ladies?” we rise, and put down our nap- © kins, as if we’d | all just finished being shaved, and were much fresh- ened by the opera- ‘ tion. I wonder if anyone was ever so rude as to reply to the question about ‘‘ joining the Ladies” in the negative? One solitary person in a WE bad temper might do it ; and, if so, the obstructionist would be ‘‘ left sitting ”’—"* bloomingly alone,” like the last rose of Summer. Prtton informs us, confidentially, as we leave the dining-room, that ‘“‘FisHeR possesses real dramatic talent, if he’d only dress up;” but as the talented Amateur persists in his refusal,—subsequently informing me “that he didn’t want to make a fool of himeel? before a lot of strangers,””—we can only imagine what an intellectual treat we have lost. We all, more or less morosely, enter the drawing-room. Here most of the party again consult their watches, with reference to the clock in this room, in the hope of finding the time sufficiently ad- vanced to offer a reasonable excuse for getting out of this jovial evening at Priron’s. _ Prtron rouses himself from the depression into which our obstinacy in not amusing one another has thrown him. He rubs amy ben with as much heartiness as he can assume, and pro; music. He is coming out as a revivalist. e = heed immediately appears frightened. No one likes to be e Mrs. Pruton appeals to a lank Lady, with a short waist, ‘‘ Won’t she sing?” No, thank you, she would rather not. ‘‘ Won’t she play something?” No, she doesn’t play. She would if she could; ut she has left her music at home, and doesn’t play from memory. “‘ But,” she spitefully retaliates, ‘‘ surely your daughters will?” Mrs. Pitton’s daughters—looking like three Lot’s Wives, in the process of being frozen into salt-pillars—give three little acid simpers, and protest, one after the other, with three little signals of dis- tress, in the way of coughs, that they really can’t sing, as since the East wind set in, they ’ve entirely lost their voices. [Happy Thought (by the audience much relieved). It’s an ill wind that blows no one any good. Miss FisHeEr, on being requested to favour the company with some musical trifle—which expression sounds as if Pruton had asked her to do any thing, no matter what, as long as it’s something on the piano just to fill up the time—regrets that she can neither play nor sing, at least not memory, and she has no music [she’s got it all up- stairs in a box, but she won’t fetch it; | found this ont next day}, but James, her brother, can—‘‘ You know he ean, Mr. Pruron!’ she says, appealing to her host, with a sweet smile, whereupon our dis- tracted host makes a fresh descent on the unhappy young FisnEr,— he will, ‘‘ play anythi derful tough ; and there’s not a thing he can’t play from memory.” away from & photograph-book, in whic the vain ;” that further, “he has a perfectly won- So the miserable young Fisuer is lugged out of his corner, and h he had buried himself, in of amnanng unobserved from his tormentor, and is do know it,by heart (it is something from Madame Ange), go to the extent of ing themselves for politeness’ sake, and declare they ’ve never it before, and would so like to hear it now. 80 yo Fis thus adj sets to work to play tunes from Madame Angot, which m Be bee pi up by Low and of which a not, apparen in a g' , as only the first Geren lane or a are right, a then the air ay becomes something poe be It is a sort of nightmare of Madame Ange, and very irrita’ ce at the eA very difficult to remove him. Prron’s victim is going fevenged on Pitrown in particular, and on the compels 'y. He seems to have e, suddenly, part and ar music-stool, and, like the ornaments in a Ritualistic Shure “can’t be removed without a faculty.” We employ our f in trying not to listen to him; but he goes on playing airs, asking any one who may happen to be near him, “if they recollect this?” or ‘‘do they remember this?” and as they generally do, and exhibit no desire to hear it again, or don’t recollect it, and don’t wish to hear it in a mutilated form, young Fiswer’s tunes gradually less and less coherent, he plays jerkily at short intervals, like a musical-box out of order, and, failing at last in even amusing himself, he finally subsides into private life, in his old corner, with the photograph book. We only discover that he has ceased playing y the gradual ces- sation of the conversation. We sit about helplessly, like Lotos- eaters. more we all furtively consult our watches, as though we were playing some game of mental arithmetic against time, or anxiously expecting an important visitor. No; time isn’t up yet, and we must eke out another half-hour, at least, in some sort of conversation. Priton finding his jovial evening becoming intoler- ably dull, “ Games.’ : ‘* Doesn’t anyone know a game ?”’ he asks, in despair. Once more everyone seems scared. No; no one knows a game. It flashes across me suddenly, that I once was told of a game—I think it was a game—called ‘‘Cockamaroo;” but whether it was played by counting up numbers, halving them, and adding ten, or whether it wasn’t quite a different sort of thing altogether, and played with sticks and a small bell, the flash of memory is too transient to en- anes me. So I keep ‘‘Cockamaroo” to myself, and only shake my 4 Pizron turns to Perer Dermop. “ Surely he knows a game ?” Perer, who has nearly fallen asleep on a chair in a corner, replies that he is acquainted with nothing except leap-frog ; and, having smiled amiably on the company all round, he drops off again into a doze, when, from occasional spasmodic movements, we pre- sume that he is probably playing leap-frog in his sleep. I reply to Pitton, that I’m afraid I don’t know any games ; and, as he s the alternative of a song, I declare emphatically that I never sing. we 7 People seem to be reassured on hearing this positive asseveration from my own lips; but we are no nearer a jolly evening than we were a couple of hours ago, when suddenly a very mild young man —somebody’s cousin, I faney,—{capital name for a novel, Some- body’s Cousin—N.B. book it}but ’d never noticed his presence before—in a remote p corner of the seams, ip sottenly obeerves SRR ring to a stout y near him, w eupon exclaims, ‘* Oh!’ = if she had been pinched, which, attracting our attention, she goes on to inform us that “ Mr. Brier,” the mild young man, “has got a game,” which sounds as if the individual in question had been suddenly seized with some form of epilepsy. “ Pitton sees a forlorn hope in Bitsy. Brrsy is the mouse who comes to the lion’s rescue. ; Brey blushes, and says, ‘‘ Well, it ’s not much of a game.” Being pressed to go into details, he informs us, bashfully,—as though it were so ing improper which he would rather not mention in polite society,—that it consists in everyone saying ‘‘ Hish!” ‘* Hash!” ens fist sight, that this i iti e don’t see, at t is @ Very exciting game, nor indeed how it can be a game at all, but Pritox joxt ully welcomes it as better than tion, and evidently considers it to be, at all events, a move in the right direction. , The elderly Ladies regard Mr. Bruny with interest, as a new covery, and we are all more or less surprised at his, so to speak, sud- denly coming out of his and bursting into life with a game. y You direct it,”’ says Prtroy to Briey, with an air of importance, now appears in- who looks round, imploringly, as though he were saying to himself ‘Why can’t they let mey r”?— reminds hin that he can, if and playing off Briey against young Fisnen, who clined to patroni offici patronise Brey, rather officiously. ~ Dae

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82 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 22, 1879, GEACONSF/E L008 as _—_—— —j F723 “WEEDS! 4 | Thereupon Brey diffidently apportions the ‘‘ Hishes,” the | “* Hashes,” and the ‘‘ Hoshes,” among us. Three are to say ‘* Hish,” three to say ‘‘ Hash,” and three to say ‘* Hosh,” and so on. It takes a good deal of arrangement, and some argument and ex- | planation, as to whether the words are to be said simultaneously, or | one after the other, and so forth. These knotty points having been decided, and Prrer Dermop | having been aroused to a sense of the importance of the occasion, Prtron wishes Briey to stand on the hearthrug, im front of us all, and give the signal, which he does. has nothing whatever to do with this game, beyond playing it, will Priton will be much obliged. Snub for young Fiswer. Are we ready? Yes. Then, off! Whereupon we all say, ‘“‘Hish, hash, hosh!” together, as one word, and then stare at one another to see the result. Nothing. **Is that all?” asks Pruron, much disappointed. ** Yes,” answers BiBy, nervously, ‘‘ that is all.’’ sense of injury. Poor Brtpy seems to be suddenly convinced of this himself. He only returns, ‘‘ No, I don’t say it’s much of a game, but I thought it would amuse you.” After this Brxpy retires. Triumph for young Fisner. Brirey has strutted his brief five minutes on the hearthrug, and now “ is heard no more”—like the “‘ Poor Player”—which, in my opinion, serves any poor player right. Everyone is irritated with him and his game. Prerer Dermop, fit for an idiot asylum. Also, if young Fisuer, who) kindly get off the hearthrug, and get a seat in a corner, anywhere, | “But that’s not a game!” Priron protests, with evidently a/ p, When I want a joll the outdoor guests leave, thanking the host and hostess for ‘‘ a very pleasant evening,” and the indoor guests retire for a pipe to the smoking-room, where, after young FisHer has retired, Prtton lays all the blame on Azs shoulders, ‘‘ because he can be so amusing if he likes, but he wouldn’t ; and he wouldn’t dress up.” | When Perer Dermop has gone to bed, Prrton remarks that he is not as amusing as he used to be. Ia logise for my own short- comings, and regret my inability to remem *‘Cockamaroo,” which I am sure, from the sort of vague impression I have of it when last saw it played, would have caused endless amusement. Every- body regrets that I couldn’t think of ‘‘ Cockamaroo” in time. To- morrow, when I shall have left, Prrron will confide in Mrs. Prxtow, }and the three young Ladies, how disappointed he is in me, and he | is sure to finish by saying— | __** I object to people who can do something to amuse, and won’t.” | He will then probably add with a deep sense of injury, ‘‘ Why, | he” (meaning me) ‘‘ remembered a game called Cockamaroo, only he | wouldn’t tell it.” evening, nothing shall induce me to go to LTon’s,” says Peter Dermop to me next day, on his way back to town. * * * 7 * . | I have got two or three more friends to visit. This is fortunate, angry at having been woke up, declares that such an amusement is | friends’ hospitality. o as there is something the matter with the roof of our Old House at | home, where my forefathers, &c., and they are mending and paint- ing. Micsurp, being a good-natured wag, will, of course, spread the report that “* there’s a tile off, chez-ha ;” and at all events, for the present Iam roofless. This gives me, as it were, a title to my Happy Thought.—New title, Sir Wimt1am Rooriess. Sounds owever, we’ve eked out the time. The carriages are announced, | historical. 1879. 29° CHARIVARLI.—FEBRUARY 2 LONDON THE OR PUNCH,

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S a S, i " | : ul a «" r | . a ; FEBRUARY modestly). “‘ Dox’ ¥ nine-and-forty, but who doe: - ro Mrs. Marrable / a fascinating Widow of over MODEST ASSURANCE. Marrable

MarraBie’”

~ % < 7 ng a | bed ee 0 Z. fe iQ Z ~ i _- bet 0} & ae _ e Mrs » Op,” Mrs PUNCH,

A | if Ny —— I i | Dine Sal | a! i | ax: \ Hl th ) fi muy |) a Ug y

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£@ To Cornresronpgnts.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, stamped and directed envelope a PUNCH, OR T

a | a ‘ . > Sw ANAS AS! aN _ SESSA . AN a ( . 2 eth s + Sa SSelONs SASS SS SS. we} ae 7 2a wer PP . - * SHIFTS A A Ade cs 44 # YW ‘ ‘ Jd ‘ ‘ 4 b , s ‘ ‘7 4/4ASMES ‘ . ‘ 44} “a creek 7/ a FIILU4 SStMh4A ae: _———. « - J 4 7 — * MUU i LA Vy 4 f J, Ohhh sd OL, Y/ 7, on UE Yi idee hfe oo -F? Ley «ttt eh 0th ee ee semen e+e errr f , ane esa ae Arr ~-«<<2 - aa ew te “WHAT ’S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE,” &c. Passenger (in Second Class). ‘‘1 Twink 1’VB GOT INTO THE WRONG CARRIAGE.” [ Ticket Inspector (sternly). ‘‘Tuas Diy¥erence must Be Pap!” Passenger (triumphantly). *‘Ou, Just #0!

HE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Fesrvary 22, 1879,

Tuex I'LL TROUBLE YoU FoR Turee Saomiines—I’vg a Frust-Ciass Ticker | ”

BE IN TIME! Horsemoncrr Lane Gaol is being sold and carted away piece-meal. urdermongers, be on the alert! Here are the stones hallowed by the presence of that sweet couple, the May- NIn@s, to say nothing of other interesting inmates, who have left their memories behind them on their Murderers’ March from dock to scaffold. After Newgate, in these Peace-loving days, it would be hard to point out to our crimi sensationists a richer mine of relics. What the Catacombs have been to the Christian Church, Horse- monger Lane Gaol should be to that large branch of the Chureh-Criminal established in Her Masesty’s dominions, and its devoted adherents.

Our Little) Busy Bees and their Very Busy American Cousins. Tuere has lately been a vehement protest of the British Beekeepers against the influx of American honey. All flying insects in the States we know are called “Bugs , Naturally enough, indignant English Apiarians call the Yankee Bees—Hum-bugs. ‘‘rr’s AN ILL WIND,” ETC. Owrne to the general and growing distrust of Banks, we may look out, ere long, for a revival of an important branch of the Nottingham trade—Long Stockings. A VOICE FROM MIDLOTHIAN, TREE-FELLING my foes class among my brain-maggots ; But better, I tell them, fell trees than make faggots. OPERA (Bismanoku) at Bertin.—Prelia, Prandia, Potationes, Predationes, Predicationes, Pessumdationes. SaUNDERS’s DiFFIcuLty IN THE Way or “a ScreNTIFIC Frontrer.”—To prevent the Afghaun gaun aff.

tzAL Lunacy.—Trusting the Crescent.

THE PITH OF SMITH. (A Poetical Précis taken at Westminster Palace Hotel.) My Lorp Duxe snp GEenTLEMEN, Tis with surprise At the curious course of events that I rise ; I’m a plain man of business, and not fond of speaking, And e’en this occasion is not of my seeking ; But the ery of electors has called me, and, therefore, I'll tip you four columns—as much as you'll care for. The voice of the Country—I bar some bar-sinisters, Who always run cross—backs Her Majesty’s Ministers. Quite right ; we have crowned it with honours and glories. The Rads do deny it,—but then they tell stories. Sad disaster in Africa? Yes, but, believe it, Our soldiers, brave fellows! will promptly retrieve it. We mean to go on, spite of Li jeering, And settle that question for ever. {Muck cheering.) Strong statements have issued from Chatsworth and Newnham, They ‘re mainly smart fudge, and I boldly impugn ’em : Naughty boys, out of funds, sigh for ies and toffies, And Rads, out of power, of course pine for office. C’ est le mot de l' énigme in all elon political, . When you ’re out in the cold you are sure to turn critical. The condition of Europe, thanks wholly to us, And in spite of the Liberal fury an . Is just what it should be—at least, very nearly. Of Cyprus some quidnuncs have cackled severely ; I’ve been there myself, and I found it delightful. The fallacies spouted by Harcourt were frightful ! It does not harbour fever,—to any extent; And it will harbour ships,—when some tin has been spent. Just listen to Garnet! A rather long letter, But take it for gospel—you could not do better.

find it, in spite of the fools who find fault, a perb combination of Eden and Malta. And then, as regards our financial affairs, Mid-Lothian’s proximate Candidate dares To say they are in a deplorable state ; But you'll find they will turn out all right, if you'll wait. Tf taxation is swelled to a tidy amount, e’re prepared for each item to render account. what more would you have? Bills we/ run up, you know, en Birmingham Radicals find how they p=: n ‘we all do it,” so why make a bother So much for one Bogey. Bad Trade is another. 0 charge us with bringing on that is a shame, er-trading and Giapstone are chiefly to blame. | ’T would ne'er have eppeerel, but for Ais rash temerity n raising, ising, disastrous prosperity. ill, we are Sid all starving. We dig lots - Aue the working-men’s savings expand on the whole ; taxes are light (so there ’s room for increase), And now dear Lord B. has brought Honour and Peace. Ww But stick to his bench, and his best friends, = Tories, Trade very soon show a surprising revival, And Old England will stand as of old without rival, Strong weed. inoffensive, imperial, united ! - There! think that’s the lot; and I trust you ’re delighted— is I fancy ’s a settler for Harcourt and Harry ; Five Columns! Not bad for a taciturn Py . Speech is silvern, and silence is golden, I hold, But a Smith works in silver as well as in gold; And I can play the Silver-Smith. for the hearing You’ve given. And nowI’ll sitdown. (Prolonged cheering.) ; the grumblers. Our enemies think hen call it a pest-house, a desert, a sink, Ww rigeccres kudos they ’ve cleverly stript us. . pooh ith some cash, and the—hum !—Enucalyptus, ou uu

return, or pay for i should be kept. . In no case can these bg returned unless accompanied by a

ee eo had

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Marcu 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 85 COSMOPOLITANS AND COOK. HE Geographers of France have done a generous thing. On the night of Friday the 14th in- stant, the French Geogra- phical Society assembled and met together to commemo- rate the anniversary of the death of Captain Coox. Few, perhaps, of Coox’s own countrymen are aware also Coox’s Day, or St. Cook’s Day for the matter of that, since, from all that is known of him, Cook seems to have been probably as good as Valentine. There was a time when the average English- man, if informed that Frenchmen had been honour- ing the memory of a Cook, would haye concluded the Cook to have been one of ‘. their own countrymen, and a chef de cuisine. We ig Borg ot the m mity with which they pe rendered that homage to a Chief who was 4 British Sea Captain — us By who, in serving his countty has also served mankind, Could not some of us, by way of Unite in a similar glorification of some great Frenchman—and who should it be? “IN LIQUIDATION.” A SCREAMING PARCE, (As Performed, to the tune Fr hteen Millions a Year, th Lonilon nces.) ScenE.—A Solicitor’ s Offtce— Meeting of Creditors discovered. Enter to thet HaWkstxY, Trustee, and Smoorn, Solicitor to Burrery’s Liquidation. Brown (a pi for. I move that Chair. Robinson (another still more full-bodied large Creditor). 1 beg to second that motion. yn put, and carried unanimously. Jones ( after bowing himself into the Chair). Gentlemen, we are met here to receive the Trustee’s statement of the liquidation in that business of Burrery’s. I hope, for all our sakes, that we’re in for a substantial dividend. (Applause.) And the sooner we get it the better. (Immense applause.) So I will waste no more words, but call at once on the Trustee for his report. (HAWKSLEY rn to the summons by settling his double- 7 and arranging his papers. Hawksley. You are doubtless aware, Gentlemen—practical men of business as you all are—that this has been a most troublesome estate to wind — property of the debtor peculiarly difficult to realise— in fact, 1 may y call it one of the toughest jobs, though of trifling character as regards assets and liabilities, I have ever taken in hand in all my long and varied experience. The assets, as some of you may remember, were stated at £1500. The liabilities, oddly enough, stood at precisely the same figure—a very rare and gratifying feature in the case. We have been forced to three sales by auction —very troublesome things always. One was of furniture, valued by Mr. Burrery himself at £400. This realised £185. (Movement among Creditors.) The plant and machinery of the concern were sold in one lot for £160. (Renewed sensation.) Mr. B.’s valuation of this, con- firmed by our own valuer, was £800—not an extravagant amount, if, as I am informed, it o cost £3,000—and 1 shouldn’t at all wonder. You know, as men of business, what these forced sales are—ruinous, Gentlemen—simply ruinous. pa sg up his eyelids and shrugs his shoulders.) Then there was the sale, by auction, of two 8 freehold-houses. We put them at £200. There was a first t. JONES, as Principal Creditor, do take the mortgage charge on them of £650. They realised £25, after satisfy- ing = se there was half a year’s interest due—£16 5s. —and so ; £8 13s. for the benefit of the estate. (Growing depres- sion among Creditors.) The book-de which were valued—some- what sanguinely, ag or ae at £100, we have sold for £10. (Creditors who looked blan \ Soave look blanker still.) We don’t consider ten per cent, at all for book-debts. This, I think, is all the assets, to sum-totals, Gentlemen, (Movement ; Jonrs mopping his Sorehead, Brown in a ih state of perspiration, Rosrxsox breat » We have, all £363 158. available for dividend (a that St. Valentine’s Day is/ },, large Creditor). We all know what We’te here | he smothered groan from Jones) and expenses—or perhaps | should — ~ say a and sevigent. b difteaite Bene & . rown (jumping after aving with difficulty kept his seat thus Sar). Con-found it, Sir ! We were offered ten shillings in the pound guaranteed, at the first meeting; but Mr. Smoorn here (turning to glare furiously on that Gentleman), he advised liquidation as the best thing for the creditors—and talked about twenty shillings in the pound—he did—and be —— to him! (Prolonged sensation.) Smooth (severely). Take care, Mr. Brown! (beaming blandly on the rest of the Creditors), 1 can assure you, Gentlemen, that Mr. Hawxstey has been, literally, indefatigable in this case— most care- ful to do the best for the estate and the creditors. I can answer for it, that he has never taken a step without consulting me. nae snatgnanty). And you charging us jolly well for it, I'll un Smooth (warningly). Take care, Mr. Jonxs ! Robinson (who ts short-necked and plethoric, and daren’t trust himself to express his feelings). What ’s the dividend ? ‘ones (who knows his iend’s symptoms). Don’t excite yourself, Rostwson. It’s bad for you, ‘ou know itis. (7 other Creditors who a to oul ing -point.) Gentlemen, be patient. ft alert any rood gett oq 4 a passion. (A /ull.) Haw serenely). Having stated realised assets, we now come ving to costs of liquidation (looking at Paper through his double eye-glass). First, we have Solicitor’s costs—most moderate, I think you will admit—#£104 6s.; then Auctioneer’s valuations and commissions,— that’s always a heavy item,—£36 6s. ; and Trustee’s costs,—we have =. wn pap as we as the estate was a small one, _ 9%., leaving available for dividend the sum of Eighteen Shillings and Fourpence precisely! (Silence and stupefaction.) Jones (with a ghastly at humour). How much may that be in the pound ? Hawksley. I have tot worked it fet yet, but if you’ll give me a few minuw' { rishing his gold pencil-case. Robinson (with ironical am, Don’t trouble yourself. We've had pit enough of your figures. It cost me eighteen-pence to prove my ebt. I should have been better off if I’d made Burrery a present o’ the money, and had done with it; and now he’s cleaned out, and the Creditors have got nothing, and all the estate has found its way into your pockets between you. A nice state o’ things, I call it! Mr. Smooth. Be careful with your inuendoes, Sir! I may have to you that professional men have a character to uphold. ‘awksley (soothingly). 1 am sure, Mr. Rontnson did not mean —(Roprinson shows in his face that he did mean all that Mr. H. means did not mean, and a good deal more)—I can assure you, Gentle- men, that the realisation has been a careful one—most careful—has, in fact, had more time given to it than the amount of the estate, perhaps, would have justified, strictly king. . Robinson (with a ghastly chuckle), Ha, ha, ha! AllT hope is, that Mr. Hawxsiey, when he’s for himself, will look as ep Pin. [eae ‘ones (bur: 18 8). i 8 qui é this humbugging trustee-busi was done lowed i it ain’t—— i ng,” Mr. Jones? I did not business mda = ibe mn come here . You will I am master of the situation. Jones, “Situation” be hanged! I should jolly well like to move the Court, and see if yon are master. : Hawksley. Better not waste your money, Mr. Jones, if you'll allow me to advise you. I am not amena ale to any Court—(with solemnity), except that of my character and my conscience. To the former cupenk—t the latter I look for support, under these cruel and undeserved aspersions. Ask your legal adviser. Jones. Is that so, Mr. Suoorn ? " Smooth. Undoubtedly. Good gracious! Didn’t you put your- selves into his hands? Didn’t you give him full power? The Lonp CHanceLtor himself couldn’t do etre ; Hawksley (with calm superiority). And if he could, you seem to forget, — that I am, in the eye of the law, an officer of the rt (proudly . Jones (getting lower and lower in his language, under the influence of excitement). It seems to me you are the Court. As far as I can make out, you owe nobody no account,—no money—no nothing. Blessed if it ain’t a regular swindle, all round ! Hawks (with ae Did you hear, Mr. Smoorm ? (Sternly.) You will language, Mr. Jonrs. Jones 2 sspuant aa nt). Do your worst! I can always face de: the like of you —in Court, or out—though the less I see of you, any- where, the better. Come along, Gents. It don’t smell sweet here, somehow—it really don’t. * Rosrnson (resignedly). Well, we’re all done brown. I suppose that’s all about it. Case o’ * grin and bear it” all round. Come along! [Exeunt Creditors crestfallen, headed by Brown, Jowxs, ahd Rostnson, who exe looks of defiance with HAWKsLEY and Smoorm, as they pass out, Smoorn and Hawksiry their \ papers, whisper, smile, shake hands, and ave tthe tetr, te Fraktratsl olllence. VOL. LXXVI.

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&6 = PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Marcu 1, 1879. | PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. — ~ | SS] |] Hy) CWS a nl NIM LDI) ALL pp Monpay, February 17 (Lords).—Earl Detawarr and the Lorp | said to be blind. She can hardly be so blind as she looks, while we CHANCELLOR have two Bills prepared’ for making masters responsible | see her winking so bg J hard in the Bankruptcy Court. : for managers, in cases of accidents to workmen. Eart DeLawarr’s| (Commons.)—The Major cannoned the imant on the Glasgow was read a First Time, and is then to stand over for consideration | Bank Directors. He means to demand release for the British Bart., of the Government Measure. It is a nice and difficult matter, needing | or mitigation of sentence, in consideration of the inadequate punish- legislation principally to do away with the legal fiction of ‘‘ common | ment of the Scotch delinquents. ; a and the sooner it 1s settled the better. In answer to Mr. Sracroorz, Sir Starrorp Nortucore said he Lorp CHANCELLOR, in the favourite Parliamentary part of | the Government knew nothing of any intention to carry out Mr. Sisyphus heaving once more the great stone of Bankruptcy Law up| Punch’s suggestion for the removal of Arthur’s Seat to Dublin, the Hill of Difficulty! The he proposes all tend in the right | by making the Duke of Cownavent Permanent Viceroy of Ireland. direction—to stop the pickings of the thriving birds of prey who now | Sir StarrorD said the Government did not enjoy Mr. P.’s con- fatten themselves and feather their nests out of bankrupt estates, | fidence. That is perfectly true, as it may be true that he does under various titles, and to make it worth the creditors’ while to | not know of any sod iatetiion, Perhaps Lord B. does. Perhaps Mr. look after their debts, which they now seldom care to do when once | SracpooLE should have left out ‘‘ permanent.” We are answered Bankruptey or Arrangement has set in to the work of dividing | by the card nowadays, and should ask ingly. assets for the benefit of creditors’ agents, instead of creditors.| The ArronneY-GENERAL could not give Mr. BLAKE any encourage- In short, the Act is’a well-meaning—if not ambitious—attempt ment for the view that taking shares in stores for the sale of eustodire custodes. But it stops far short of the only drastic | tea, tobacco, or “other Church furniture or necessaries,” would remedy — to were fraudulent Bankruptey as a crime, and to | subject the Clergy to proceedings at Common or Ecclesiastical Law treat as fraud all the various well-known forms of robbery under |—though as to the last Sir Jouw could not be quite sure, speaking the mask of business which are now the opprobrium of English | with the terror of Chief Justice Cocksurn before his eyes—unless t-ade. : : they personally served behind the counter, or perhaps even 45 Lord Peyz ince is of opinion that much of the blame now thrown | Directors and Managers. on Bankruptey;Laws isdue to the supineness of creditors. Punch| We are promised a Flood Prevention, and a Copyright Bill, and would rather put it, that much of the supineness of creditors is due all the Gas and Electric Light Bills are to be referred to “‘ one to the blame now attaching to the Balheuptey Laws. Justice is ' strong committee,” charged e Juedare lucem. It ought to be strong, ——

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ie Marcu 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL jl | Ml Ys , . ™ Lh —_ 4 r il A GOOD WORD FOR HER LAST PLACE. Young Person (applying for Housemaid’s place). ** A Younac LADY AS LIVED WITH You As Cook, Mum, TOLD ME AS YOU WAS A ng ippirying y , very Nick WoMAN TO GET ON WITH!!” i: o> BER Zee t BAIT se me tle if be is to get light out of the darkness now prevailing on the subject. e House cheerfully wasted two hours over the question whether it should at once consider Sir Srarrornpd Norrucore’s Resolutions for saving the time of Parliament, or wait awhile. Sir Coartes DILKE was for waiting ; so were Mr. B. Horr, Mr. Mircuett-Hewry, and others. Contra, Mr. Mowzpray, Mr. Newpreare, and the Marquis of | Hartineton. Mr. Waiter and Mr. Ryianps were for taking the Resolutions in Committee. After two divisions Sir Starrorp got his first Resolution before the House,—that in Monday Committees of Supply or Ways and Means, the Srzaxken shall leave the Chair with- out any question,—in other words, that ‘‘ grievances,” on one night in the week, shall not be lugged in head and shoulders before Supply. Mr. Ditiwrn proposed to cut this down by leaving out ‘‘ Ways and Means,” which, Sir Srarrorp, on the ‘‘ Half-a-loaf”’ principle, was fain to to, as he did to Lord Hanrrineron’s further limitation of the Resolutions to the ordinary Army, Navy, or Civil Service Estimates. And so, ‘‘ with much ado, and after mighty long talk,” as Mr. Pepys would say, what was left of one Resolution of the five was got through, between one and two o'clock. But if Sir Srarrorp thinks the wary old birds of the House mean to allow him to put Executive salt on their tails, he is mistaken, and 80 Puneh warns him. Tuesday (Lords).—Lord Cransroox assured Lord Rrron that the Government knew nothing of General Roperts having annexed the Kurum Valley—when they did, they would tell the House. Perhaps General Rozerts prefers annexing on his own hook, like Sir Barrie The Lorp CHANCELLOR brought in his Bill for enlarging the jurisdiction of the County Courts from debts of £50 to £200, and to for more Judges. e one-horse Bench. How ips? And how will the Bar like it? 8 not with the Lory Curer Justice that y ‘‘ block ” which calls for more high-priced judicial razors The Assizes difficulty will down ; and if Judges will their work one-horse ‘ion, instead of in the more dignified | firea unicorn team, there is no reason why Themis should be long twitted with arrears—or why Minos should not be trusted to do the work in which he has hitherto had A®acus and Rhadamanthus for his assessors. But that a Lord Chancellor should strike the blow! ** Et tu Brute !—then come down, Cocknurn! ” (Commons.)—Mr. Dituwyn moved his Bill for his New Patent Parliamentary Civil-Service-Estimates-sifter, in the shape of a Select Committee. Mr. Baxter liked it—being out of Treasury office, and confessing to the fun with which he used to watch poor private Members hunt- ing for their needles through the official bottles of hay. But the more practical business brain of Hanxxy, and the sense of official proprieties of Se.win-Ispetson, Lowe, and Lewis, and the sturdy Sussex common-sense of BartreLot—all reas the Dillwynian- sifter. So, with all these to oppose, and RyLanps and Parwety to support, no wondér the sifter was shunted—into the natural home of sifters—the dust-hole. The House renewed the 12°30 rule, which prevents opposed business being taken after midnight. Men in office don’t like it, but private Members do—as the rule saves them many a weary snooze on the back benches, or waking wait in their places. And then the House was Counted Out while discussing the appoint- ment of the Public Accounts Committee. How can it face its own account, after truanting so soon in the Session ? Wednesday.—A Count Out last night: a talk out this afternoon. Mr. Batrovr’s Burials Bill makes one in a quartette of which Mr. O. Monoan’s Bill is No. 1, taking as it does the broad ground that everybody has a right to be buried in his parish churchyard, and with the service his family and friends like best. Mr. Batvour’s Bill substantially makes the same concessions, but tries to guard . | them by dykes which the first high tide will sweep away. Naturally he disgusts iating Cha: Church without , and so is talked out. How do the short-sighted Church c i up this fight over the grave? The most intelligent among them know they must be beaten. Will it be much consolation that they have waded to defeat through a sea of bad blood ? Thursday (Lords).—The shameful subject of the importation of rms and ammunition into Zulu-land was broached. SBME RS Reh eS ae IRALPEIS = co “s fy, Fy P a SE gH ah

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838 = ON AK 4, Me ne ' ‘4 a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | vii ; L , a ) ) { . . ‘ee / . i- W ‘~ [Marcu 1, 1879, MPs ~~ ry 4 % y “PITY THE FROZEN-OUT FOX-HUNTERS!—-WE HAVE NO WORK TO DO!” WHAT WE HAVE SEEN THIS SEASON, AND SEEM LIKELY TO SEE AGAIN. That eagle’s fate and theirs is one, Who, on the shaft that made him die, Beheld a feather of his own, Wherewith he wont to soar so high. For ‘‘ shaft” read “‘ gun,” and for *‘ feather” read ‘‘ Tower-mark,”’ and the parallel is complete. It is English traders who supply nine- tenths of the rifles and powder with which the Zulus have taken the brave English lives whose loss England is now mourning. ‘‘ Trade for ever, and hang sentiment!” says the British shopkeeper. (Commons.)—The Major got his cheer, by eliciting the assurance that, as far as the Government can, surviving officers of the gallant and ill-fated 24th shall reap the benefit of the heroic sacrifices which has so nearly left its second batallion officerless. He fol- lowed it up by getting his laugh out of Mr. Cross’s assurance that he did not mean to interfere as a deus ex machina for the British Baronet in Dartmoor. Renewed attempt of the CHancettor of the Excnxequer to put salt on the SpeakER’s tail—in other words, to narrow the great Par- liamentary privilege of wasting time in talk. Latet anguis in herbda. A sturdy minority will see the Parliamentary gag under Sir SraFFORD’s insinuating flowers of speech. Nothing carried; and Debate adjourned. Better drop your Resolutions, Sir Srarrorp, and fall back on Mr. E. Yorxkz’s pithy suggestion— “To meet Obstructives by a co eous application of existing rules. Ifa Member was ry he Obstruction, the SPEAKER could call the attention of the House to the fact that he wae ey of contempt ; and, on a Motion by the Leader of the House, or any Member of sufficient authority, the offender having been heard in his defence, the House could inflict an adequate penalty. If that course had been taken, they might long ago have dealt with Obstruction more efficiently than by new rules, which would abridge the legitimate opportunities bringing forward grievances, and prevent Members doing what it was their duty to do. The rules would be in- operative to prevent Obstruction, and mischievous so far as they affected the legitimate business of the House.” This paragraph, in Mr. Punch’s humble judgment, contains the marrow of all the talk that has been inflicted upon the House since the Resolutions were introduced, with the “‘ tediousness”’ taken out. At five minutes to two the House was Counted Out, re infectd. Friday (Lords).—I\f Lord Aretre thinks the Glasgow Bank Directors have got more than their deserts—as the Lorp CHANCELLOR seemed to infer from his question about admission to bail in cases of fraud—the head of the bonny House of Aretre, we should say, stands alone. The Commanper-1n-Curer did his best to satisfy their Lordships—which should be enough to satisfy us Commoners—that all had been for the best in the shipment of troop-horses with the troopers who haye sailed for South Africa. People talk about “* salted” horses—as if the men wouldn’t have eno salted horse ip i ga messes going out, without finding it waiting for them in Natal. (Commons.)—In Supply Mr. Rarwsoye opened up a not unim- portant matter. Would it not be well that School Inspectors should go.into training a little before being left to themselves—have a term of preliminary instruction how to float and strike out, under the eye of an elder Inspector—a “Salted Inspector,” as he might be called in these South African times—before plunging into the deep water of School Inspection all by themselves? There is much to be said for this suggestion, which ought not to be lost sight of, though reasons of expense may plead against it for the present. Mr. SamveELson invited the House to the consideration of the two biggest plagues of Egypt—its Debt and its Kueprve. He asks, with Mr. Cartwrienut, ‘ diable allons-nous faire dans cette galite 3” end thinks we hed better linve ahessed oleae of Geen Onndl Shares and Financial Commissionerships, and generally kept our hands free of Egyptian Bonds poe ol This Punch is not in- clined to dispute ; but—being in—what is nowthe best way out? That seems to be the question at this moment. As for the last move in the Kueptye’s little game, we are glad to be assured by the CuanceELLOR of the Excnequer that France and England are at one, and that neither English nor French Minister has resigned, or is likely to a. While they keep an eye on the Kuxprve, that “ serpent of old Nile” may wriggle, but will find it hard to wriggle out of his engagements. ouse Counted Out at half-past eight. Only eight Members cared to hear Sir Jouw Lussocx on “ Ancient Monuments.”’ Weare such a practical people.

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Marcu 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 89 FAR-OFF WARS, AND HOW TO BRING THEM HOME TO US. (4 Forecast from the Latest Examples.) the missioner replies in a lengthy After illustratively describin spirited despatch, d e erally dcbtoed ot » afern social condition of the Mongolian races from the year 2334 n.c., down to Sep- tember, 1878, he concludes : “Tt may poobly occur to Her Majesty’s Government that even if the hour has come to humanise, educate, wash, and otherwise civilise this people, the task is one ought not to e without come opportu- If this is their view of the matter, ies in a brief despatch. , he goes on :— your forcible ou are on spot.’ Without your bold and benevolent scheme of the Empire, I bape a feeling ing of Her Majesty's i to have reached their have 5 of any use, here follow. ce closes with a comprehensive and , from the of the High Commissioner, bs and ms of the Early Tartars,”’ BA «lly oriet announcing the com- a Clerical Co-operation. (By Our Cambridge Grocer.) LD Grads and Undengade enjoy eir bliss to whom no debt is scored, REeaADYMONEY MortIBoy Be ReapymonEy Mortar-Boarp. succinct in an een tee on fi summary re e Wovu Th FOX-HUNTING AND FOX-EATING. Dear Mr. Ponca, _ . .THroven the length and breadth of the Green Isle, the hunt- ing circles of that sponting country have been lately shaken to their centres by a question of the gravest moment ; namely—whether ‘‘a dug fox” ‘‘ought to be,” 4 and there, ‘eaten Master, the earth,” or not. ce = Several well-known Masters of Hounds assert that he ought, while one influential Squire, at least, thinks differently. I foal that you would be rendering an important serviee to the sporting world by deciding this momentous point, on which a humble n like myself dare not even form an opinion, much less eriticise statements like the following :— From Lord Prxxzrton, M. F. H. “If my hounds required blood, and I ran the last fox im a country-side to ground, I would dig him out and eat him on the earth.’ Prom Mr. Heavysteny, M. F. A. ‘* You acted perfectly right in eating him on the spot.’* Not being a M. F. H. myself, of dispeding of foxes, w dug or run out, in this savage and summary As a man of but feeble powers of digestion, and with a stomach conmy turned, I feel thankful I have never had to look on while an M. F. H., however much he may have liked it, went through the disgusting feat of “ Eating a Fox on the Earth,” after digging him out of the hole in which he had hoped to find a safe ter from such a horrible end. I am, dear Mr. Punch, yours, ONE WHO HAS LONG FOLLOWED THE Hounps, BUT NEVER BaT A Fox ON THE Varminstown, King’s County, Ireland. [ Punch has never been in the habit of eating his own Foxes; and informs him that he should consider such an act as an un- onable encroachment on the canine privileges of his brethren of kennel. ; Dog eat dog” is not worse rule than “ eat ” isa binding one. } T the fox I am quite bewildered when I read| 4 ATCHAM vy, HATCHAM. Mrz. Poncu unwittingly, drawn down a sore visitation upon an pm gy | the Incumbent of ‘‘Atcham,” near Shrewsbury, along of the letter (published in his number for Feb. 15,) from an ‘‘ Agrieved Parishiner,” of ’Atcham, Surrey, natu- rally exasperated by the late Ritualistic vagaries and still more discreditable Anti-Ritualistio riotings and indecencies, of which that church has been the scandalous scene. We need hardly say that that letter had nothing to do with the innocent and ortho- dox Incumbent of Ateham near Sh s all such open, and draperies, and of Rome, as albs, copes and ¢ ae bles, priests’ foolscaps, sky-blue petticoats, dalmatics, and can The similarity in the names of exasperated “’Atcham,” and his —— only an ge most — of 5 tween brought u im, we are sorry to hear, a of silly and engin cotbngpenienss But “it is an ill-wind that blows nobody ” THe has, doubt- less, diverted to his own devoted head so of the asinine letter- ich usually finds its to Mr. Punch’ s waste-paper basket. Poor Punch has to bide the of this pitiless epi storm daily. Let the of Atcham near Sh ury be thank- ful that the infliction in his case, will, in all likelihood , cease with this explanation, if it have not run itself dry before. Coronatus, Non Pileatus. “The Pops, much to his credit, has offered Dr. Newman a Cardinal’s Hat, The venerable Doster, equally i bs credit, has respectfully declined the honour. A Carprnat’s Hat! Fancy Newman in oe 1 For the crown o’er his Seaie gene ’Tis the good and great that honour the hat, Not the hat that would honour the head. There’s many a priest craves it: no wonder he waives it, Or that we, the soiled head-cover Tue Great Loan Lawp.—Turkey. Exclaim with one breath, sans distinction of faith they wish Newmaw ranked with Old Mawnrxo ?”

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OMIN¢ a I I I OO FOTO CL LC CLO LE LE I IO ERE PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Marca Il, 1879, | 9 YS if Dy ‘ Keg PD ) 5) , ) : {it Mind sb as wcewraren CRNA PL OS MISPLACED CHARITY. ovt or Cavren, Generat Srk Tacpor pe La Porn SANGkaAZzeL IS 80 STRUCK BY THE BEAUTY OF THE AFTERNOON Sky, rHAT HE FORGETS TO POT ON HIS Hat, AND Lapy Jones (WHO Is KATHER NE&AR-SIGHTED) DROPS A PENNY INTO IT! A LESSON. “Fas est ab hoste doceri.”’ John Bull soliloquises, I can’t stand being lessoned. ’Tis not nice At any time from foes to take advice ; And when the heart is hot with rage and grief, That in swift vengeance fain mate seek relief, The preachers of cool caution, and good heed, With their trite text of ‘‘more haste, and worse speed,” Appear, to those who crave revenge’s balm, Mere lukewarm counsellors of craven calm. Yet, oft tis true that patience asks more pluck Than fierce and fiery haste to run a-muck. To fervid patriot zeal and pride of race Facts are at times e’en harder foes to face Than those bloodthirsty hordes, fierce, vengeful, swift, To my heroic handful at Rorke’s Drift, Or red Insandula! Thoughts of that rain Of murderous assegais will fire my brain ! Avenged? Ay, ay! There is no need to pule, Still less, to spur me like a stubborn mule, Or hound my eager war-dogs on the trail Of the swart slaughterers. They will not fail, When with the foe they close in eager fight, To balance the account and set things right. ** Right ?” Tis a widish word, not always clear To the distem gaze of hate and fear. 2 noble indi noire, in its heat, . ails sometimes of a purview quite complete. Panders, who dub me the world’s - W hose will makes right, would blindly spur me on To vengeance indiscriminate, and claim Monopoly of patriotie fame. I faney al) that sort of thing looks small To the Eternal Eye that measures all, Danton’s advice to the Repub l’audace, et toujours de |’au ! Punch’s advice to the French Republicans of 1879. ‘‘ De la pa- tience, et de la patience, et toujours de la pati el And has one standard, accurate and fair, For me and the stark savage in his lair. I hear the still cool voice of patriot sense ; Yes, though, midst fumes of flattery coarse and dense, Loud self-laudation, swaggering round the land, Would howl it down, I hear and understand. First I must honour, and avenge, the slain ; My brave five hundred must not die in vain. Not for the first time Blunder has given scope To British valour ;— would that I dared hope ’Tis for the last! That sadly glorious scene Should teach rash headiness and stiff routine Some needed lessons. On revenge’s track Those who watch o’er my war-dogs are not slack. I hope they ’re sure and safe as they ve been swift. Yet wise prevention is far better thrift cure, howe’er complete; nor is it wise Rashly to make, or recklessly despise, E’en savage foemen. They are fools who spurn Sound lessons, though a foe’s. I’m game to learn! An Adaptation from the French, for the French. licans in 1793. ‘* De Yaudace, et de A Rash Inference. “1 did ewallow my studs. As they were gold, I thought they would have some effect in curing a pain which I ' dence in Nunn v. Hemming. in my stomach.” —Plaintif’s Evi- Pronounce him mad because he took for pills The gold that’s held by most to cure all ills! .

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Manrcn 1, 1879.

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Marcu 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 93 “BEATI POSSIDENTES.” Canvasser (to Thrifty Rustic, who has recently taken a Little Farm). ** WELL, THOMAS, YOU ’LL GIVE youR VoTE To Squire SHoppy AT THE NEXT ELECTION——” Thomas, ‘‘ No, I sHan’t.—I na’ Got ’UN, AND I MEAN TO KEEP "UN MYSELF—I BEAN’T A GOIN’ TO GI’ ’un TO Nozopy!!” FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. Being a Brief Record of a afew Winter-seasonable Visits to certain Country Houses. VISIT THE THIRD.—CHAPTER XIV. Invitation— A name — Topsy-turvy — Accepted— Incident — Sensa- tional—Sprightly servant— Lucury—Poetry—Arrival. A Letter of invitation comes to me from— “My Dear Fettow ** Meadowsweet Manor, Tricklington. **T sHALL be delighted to see you, if you’ll only come and take pity on a poor hermit in his cell. We are right away from all | om amusements—ten miles away from anywhere—so if you can summon up courage to make the yenture, you are hereby forewarned cele oy ou’ll have to entertain yourself, the livelong day, as best you can. ut come, by all means, Yours truly, *C, Mosraxys Dicxrs.” all round grumbler. I don’t wonder at e starts, as a cart-before-the-horse man. hes gone right in spite of himself. But to hear him talk, to judge by his correspondence, you would think that g was invariably goin ous rromnee ee Sis. His name is enough to have put oot kim out of all his calculations in life. There should be « law against the nse of Christian name as 4 surname. e ought no more to be permitted to use a Sloat Ga ¢. Guan than wah 10 elle’ to ten 6 bet os 6 waistcoat. Any one doing the latter, frequently, would be locked up in a lunatic asylum; and the lunatic tailor would soon be sent for to show the unfortunate man what kind of waistcoat he would have to be fitted with for the future. Mostyn Dickie is so evidently Dicktz Mostury topsy-turvy, that it one irritating to hear it, and still more to see it, on paper. m his friends call him ‘’ Dicxre,” it sounds ridiculous, —or ri-dickie-lows,—while to speak of him, or to him, as ‘* Mr. Dick, a is even more absurd. It is like talking to a canary in a cage. “Well, Mr. msm how are you this morning?” which you _ Mostuyn Dicxre is a +e se such a name. ith expect % hear followed up with a chirrup, and a ‘‘ Sweet, sweet, swe-e-et |’ his intimates ott in Mostuyy. This event all right, 9 p AS Td on enteri on to the wrong scen aed Fog aon @ “ys aman “* Dicate, ” an “Mr. Dicxrg,” on merest 4. TA while those who him MostHyw are he most intimate friends? How did it begin ? Eeage the punenaioe eee to its ancestral root, and there will pro- bably be found a Ricnarp at the bottom of it. He came over with vial "Paguds eal His Se ds me or without him, as a oe called him ‘ Dick.” His ed > pees ” An eccentric old Norman ed him “* peat és This old Norman baron was rich. He quarrelled with his famil ail, left his mone and estates to his boon companion, whom he had 4 known as “ Dicgrg.” This fixed the heir’s name. aL he + y" i were “paras ha iy went Po preepenen , in spite of, as vulgar it, or used ave ean i it ip 0, far as , in spite of rift (eae all ck 7 wi' Thabo i ave i hypothtia seed of the vinaried in in the Six Century marri inte & the Moet he apy | pee probably, owes its orice Dem one of his courtiers very lank a mengm, ond The) JuLius Casar, considering lean ines men as } + eee to a he at once , and ae gave a some fine fat lands to on. “* Most-thin” Thos boos Moagts a rich, ha By family, and stout supporters a mai. [Ha The all History of the Origin of ‘amily Ti Perhaps, the English families subscribe y, to make it worth my while not to do it. ve. ostayN Dicxre’s offer. e Manor, I must note what would be sensa- announced in some Amerian papers thus— Aw Iscrpent at THe Station, I am in the waiting-room. I see the bald head and eyes of a short man in a great coat. I see no more of the short man the bald eyes, because he has got his hat off, and is, to put it nicely, him using From the of his nose, to the second button of his great-coat, all is enveloped in a — cloud of mystery, #.e., in pocket-handker- chief. What I do see of him—mentioned above—| recognise. I go up to him with outstretched hand and a smile on m expressive countenance. Iam about to say, ‘‘ Hallo, Von Scumipr,’”’—that being the name of the individual I expect to find behind the pocket-hand- k discovers somebody curtain being 2, else, a total , who stares at me 17 a half-frightened meer, as though bows what to make of amy advance, I Poy oy bony my front, scowl, as though paking the stranger, ‘“‘ What the means by being being somebody else and deceiving me unees shelter of his ethandkerchief,” and walk off. rote Von by the side-door. |-headed ranger, who rho ought to be to ve Scumipt, wouldn’t get into the same carriage wi or a trifl After still in poh | paragraph style, I will describe my On Tue Track. Which dagle means that I get into a comfortable smoking-car- ria m and finally arriye at Fricklington Station, where I meet it ba Entuvsiastic WELCOME que paren, vhow, of oft others, T om dad to note feet 5 fo T the enthusiastic welco me—for he is a servant from me | Manor, who has been awaiting me, in the snow, for the last quarter of an hour. And it has yg BT It must have y and heavily al ue on the roads, o ~— Great Northern 6 of and Treaty. four Pou resul {tough Aypearanc of the Northern Divinity, Tuaw. and y servant—rendered more dappes sad and y the —in a long waiteg-beres oes, SrA 5% Ostortive jm plan Sahen cod tas we eet, e, in less than no next step as bunder

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Marcu 1, 1879 WS VW, =” a = gs | thi mM Mt af ML AD (il “IT’S A LONG LANE THAT HAS NO TURNING!” In I get, and off we go. From this moment I see I can relieve myself of all responsibility. I feel more than at home, as I lounge back in the pair-horse brougham comfortably, most comfortably rugged and wrapped. The sensation is, ‘‘ This is mine! I am monarch of all I survey (I can’t see out of the windows for the steam, which makes them into ground- glass), and emancipated from trouble, or responsibility, the poetry comes out of me thus :— I’m monarch of all I survey, My right there is none to dispute ; I know that I’ve nothing to pay— A sum which my pocket will suit. | [Happy Thought.—Poetry in me is a sort of Ballon Captif. The| ropes are the responsibilities and troubles. Cut the ropes, and the Poet soars aloft. How about coming down again? Let the gas off. | But—well we must not press a simile so far. | Mostuyn Dicxkre’s carriage is delicious. the Manor House. In a few minutes we are at the Mansion itself. | Mansion! Yes, quite a Mansion! It is of the Italian Portico style, and with its steps, pillars, and capitals, it gives you the idea of a Public Library, or Chub, having stepped out of St. James’s Square, | or Pall Mall, or a British Museum Junior which had forwarded itself down here for a little change of air. Country House! Not a sign of it. That is, according to the| received Old English type—the sort of thing, for example that Mr. Catpgcotr loves to illustrate, and wherein he excels. But at Meadowsweet Manor there should be a surrounding of Italian gardens, of Signori and Signoritas, with mandolines and guitars, reyhounds stepping daintily with one foot up in the air, monkeys fed by black boys, in turbans, silks and satins, and a scowling Italian hiding behind a pillar of the portico, fumbling at a stiletto in his best doublet, while he eyes a young couple in whom he evidently feels the very deepest interest. This is the scene suggested by Mosruyn Dicxre’s Manor House. But this picture is for summer, and now the snow is on the ground except where it has been carefully swept away from the drive an from the steps, which are exactly like those leading up to the British We are at the gate of being provided for—I feel it will be all right, and ask no questions. | Museum, or the National Gallery, only without the policemen or the Small Boy (to timid Younger Brother). ‘‘Come on, Brut! ’ERe’s THE Env oF ’1m™ AT Last!” sentries ; and under the portico above are wide glass doors, more than ever suggesting the idea of some public Exhibition—say, for example, the “ Old Masters” at Burlington House—so that I can scarcely refrain from asking the official in plain clothes—the Beadle—whether it is a free day, or whether the admission is by payment; and, meng resigned myself to this sort of Exhibition Fm I am looking roun to see where are the respectable individuals, who, as at Burlington House, live in pews in the hall, and play ot pewaieases all day by giving tickets for umbrellas deposited with them—[ Happy ‘Thought. fy Uncles! ]}—and where the man who takes the money, and who won’t give change, is to be found, when, as a footman takes me out of my great coat, I hear a hearty voice coming along the hall, | exclaiming— “Bravo! I never thought you ’d come in such dreadful weather!” and Mosruyn Dicxre has come out of his sanctum, and is grasping my hand heartily. THE KHEDIVE’S LITTLE GAME, Tuat slipperiest of sovereigns, the Kweprve, has tried to wriggle himself out of the bonds to which, in the pinch of upon, e had voluntarily submitted for the benefit of his creditors the ood of his country. But instead of dismissing his Minister, NuBar ASHA, he gets up an émeute of disc ed officers inst him and his English right hand, Mr. Rivers Witsow, and so forces the resignation of the one, and, as he, no doubt, hopes, the retirement of the other. He may find that England and France, who have taken something very like the position of official liquidators towards this dodgy Egyptian bankrupt, decline to see this little game thro h the Kaepive’s spectacles. He may yet have to accept ‘‘ Winchester measure,” as inscribed on the walls of Wiiu1am of Wykeham’s school-house :— ‘+ Aut disce, aut discede, manet sors tertia, cadi.”’ ‘* Learn your own bonds to bear, or quit ; Or—third course—come to cuffs for it.” InscrIpTION AND Descriprion (FoR PARLIAMENT). — Satis elc- quentia, sapientia parum.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “THE QUILL-DRIVER.” WHAT WE OUGHT, AND WHAT WE OUGHT NOT, TO SEND OUT TO ZULU-LAND, ACCORDING TO THAT VERY KNOWING AND UBIQUITOUS BIRD WHOSE WISDOM CRIES 80 LOUD JUST NOW FROM THE NEWSPAPER COLUMNS, IF NOT ON THE HovsE-TOPS. Advice to the Clergy. Imperialism in Excelsis. (By a Retail Dealer.) Dr. Jounson Amended. On taking Orders. — Think twice before you take them to the Dery mankind from Russia to Peru Clergy Co-operative Stores. And then annex—from Afghan to Zulu.

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96 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Marcu 1, 1879.

SOME PASSAGES FROM THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT EASTERN LOAN. Thursday. The Minister of Finance, by a flank move- ment of admirable promptitude and pre- cision, has cut off all communication between From a Special Correspondent Somewhere in the East, somewhere about the | th» Admiralty Offices and the Treas “Wadle of Nes Year.) Th s to this successful memeuien, the 7” Monday. Navy Estimates will probably be found to - oy ¢ the _ |Government, after six hours’ ting. Pe hosed thet tho | The new Loan will, it is oat con- Bonds will be %@™ence, be issued on Monday at par. to par. Tuesday. The Minister of Finance

Superfluous Petticoat Government. ‘* At the annual meeting of the North Stafford- shire Railway, yesterday, one of the shareholders said that one-fifth of the proprietors were Ladies, end he should canvass them to appoint two female Directors to look after their interests.” — Standard, Feb. 15, 1879. THERE can surely be no necessity for the propo arrangement, while the in- terests of Lady Shareholders are already believed that should on exceptionally Wednesday. The Minister of Finance, surrounded by his army, to-day received a flag of truce from the | so well oe ma by the ag a. i ting 0 International Commissioners of Inland Revenue.

| Re Jnder the arrangement which will thus, | tion of Ol it is hoped, be facilitated, the revenue is likely to be materially increased. i Women on exis Directors. ’

| OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. Englas:h Composer in Paris—Musical World—Haymarket—Crystal Palace— Advice gratis. De. Arravr Suiirvan’s Ouverture élégi has met with a most cordial reception in Paris, ‘‘ C’est une euvre de valeur bien écrite,” says M. Henri pE LAPomMeERAYE, ‘‘ gui révéle un esprit clair, mélodique, et une imagination fort poétique.” Bravo, Dr. AntHuR ! . te “* Ily a,” says the same critic, speaking of a point in the Over- ture, ‘‘ un effet produit par les violons qui est d'un caractére saisis- sant.” What ened y like about this is the word ‘‘saisissant.”’ I wish Mr. Larpommenrare could hear my trio for two violins and another musical instrument (of the flageolet order) from the Lowther | Arcade. Ah! that’s saisissant, if youlike! For those who have not yet heard this, a rich treat.is in store. Tickets half-a- guinea each, all umbrellas and sticks to be left at the door, everyone to be searched before entering the hall, to make sure that they have not about them, in any pocket, boots, or hat, anything whatever that can be thrown at any of the ormers on the above- | named instruments, or at the Com of the above-named trio. Extra Police will be stationed in Piccadilly and Regent Street, and men will be in readiness at all the gas-taps to turn them out on the least signs of ‘‘ Disaffection,” 1.e., not liking the musical enter- tainment in question. | A ¢ of Dr. Antavur’s Parisian success, our well-informed friend Musical World observes: ‘‘ After this auspicious event, should the Rue Bergére be re-christened ‘ Rue Sullivan,’ we | should nevertheless put in a ormal protest.” Protest? Against what? Against its being “ re-christened””?? There are some good people who strongly object not <_ to the term “‘ christening a ship,” but also to the ceremonies used. But why shouldn’t Rue Bergére be Rue Sullivan? Why—to adapt Ophelia’s words—why shouldn’t the Parisians ‘‘ Wear their Rue with a difference?” But no matter— Rue Bergére Will stop as it were. And so Dr. Seprrwus Wrinp, of The Musical World, needn’t be frightened, and be blowed to him. By the way, Mr. BrevEeRLEy, scenic artist of Drury Lane, points out in a letter to this same i his connection with this disastrous pantomime than the Voxes’s have been; but that he and the others were quite prepared to do their best for the old ship under Captain Cuatrerton, without whose previous ero e talented Voxes family would not have had the chances of whieh they have made so much in past years. am sorry about this. The Voxes famil

is + one false step they ’ve made. _ it. : _ ond C After many seme Pe gues y= to To went to see Crisis at the Haymarket. It is remarkable for clever acting of e; ‘* In Memoriam,” |

jor another, to another play altogether. |a happy title for it. Miss Louise Moopte, as Mrs. Goring, and Mr. Key as her son— allowing for an over-sombreness which occasionally weights an excellent conception rather heavily. Another capital perform- ance is that of Mr. Davin Fisner, Junior, as Lord William White- head,—a very weak name by the way. Mrs. Jonn Woop is certainly very funny ; Miss Easrrake very graceful and me full of promise which is rapidly ripening into performance. In her absence, the part was charmingly played by Miss B. Henri. Indeed, taken all round, the representation of the piece leaves scarcely anything to be desired. In fact, were it not for the good acting, the play would never have taken any hold of the public atall. But solely on this account it is worth seeing. There are four or five sharp-pointed lines in it, but there is a perpetual shooting at the epigram target, and once, or twice, a bull’s-eye is scored. What must have been a very strong scene in M. AvGrer’s original French piece is of itself, and apart from the acting, a very indifferent affair here. In Les Fourchambaults (Heavens! what a name! !) one brother hits the other on the cheek, whereupon when they have made it up, the injured party, in reply to the striker’s question, how he ean atone for such a deed, points to the mark which the blow has still left on the cheek, and says “‘ efface it! ’"—whereupon the re- pentant striker dashes at his brother and kisses him, literally, on the _ Burst of enthusiasm from French audience, which has waited through three or four Acts for this situation. But we Englishmen don’t ‘‘ kiss and make friends,” and so the point goes for absolutely nothing, except what an ordinary shake of the and can make of it. Then the motive for Haidée’s quitting the Denhams’ house is too slight, and coming in when it does, it seems to me to belong, somehow The Crisis is scarcely Considering the subject, wouldn’t it have been better, when it was once removed from Fiewa, and Les Fourcham- baults dropped, to have called it, It’s a Wise Child that Knows Its Own Father ; or, Don’t Flirt with the Governess. The Crisis is well worth the playgoer’s visit, for the sake of the really excellent acting of all the dramatis persone, —- Miss Moopre, Miss Eastiake, or her unusually sufficient and satisfactory substitute Miss Henns, and Mr. Ketty. A propos of places of amusement, when is there going to be some | attractive novelty at the Crystal Palace? Fireworks can’t be let off aper how he is a much greater loser by |

all the year round, and out of the summer season there doesn’t seem to be much going on. I should recommend the Chairman and Directors to consider the words on the packages by rail, a Care,” and apply it to our old friend, the Sydenham Seers are accustomed to look into the Crystal for the future 1 | and I sincerely hope that numbers of sight-seers will look into the are clever at steps, but this | Crystal for the future ; only they won’t do it unless they are sure of seeing something new and really entertaining. Wake up, Mr. Chair- man of the C. P. Co., and oblige Your Representative.

4 To Congssronpents.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed envelope. y Sor Contributions. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a ies should be kept.

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March 8, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 97 “THE CLEW.” The Child was evidently lost!—cried bvitterly—could not tell us where tis Parents lived, or whether she was an Orphan, or what her Father was—or where she went to School.——Enter Intelligent Policeman. Policeman (in a friendly whisper), ‘‘ WHERE DoRs Your MoTHER GET HER GIN, MY DEAR?” [And the mystery was solved / THE PRINCE’S TIP. “We Englishmen may be justly proud of the character for mental and physical oa and capacity which our artisans bear all over the world ; but our pride is sadly dashed by accompanying criticisms on the ignorance and the indifference to anything which needs thought, which too often render that native vigour of intelligence a comparatively useless thing.” —Prince Leopold at the Birkbeck Literary Institution. Interlocutors—Mr. Puncu and a British Workman. Punch. Wise words, my friend, which, ’neath their pleasant flow, Hide plain and pregnant truths. British Workman. Ugh! Wot’s he know Of Work and Workmen? Never did a stroke In his whole bloomin’ life. A kid-glove bloke Preachin’ to ’orny-’anded-—— Punch. Come, now. Stow it! That’s threadbare cant, class clap-trap, and you know it, Truth’s truth, my man, though dropped from Royal lip, And this young Prince has a true thinker’s grip Upon a truth yee yet will have to face, _, If you would hold your vantage in the race. British Workman, Why, ain’t we fust ? Punch. ; Perhaps ; but you must feel : pompetioes are hard upon your heel, h Workman. Oh yes! the forren lot in to erow. The sneakin’ prigs! We taught ’em all they know. ee Query! At least, they ’re bettering the lesson. re you British Workman. Oh, ar; ent I makes a mess on. Go, and not gab’s, my line; but we are fust, And, if they challenge us, we’ll win, or bust. Punch. Rightly, if roughly, put. But one thing know, »> a ix ~ errates his “4 : orkman. Nasty, connivering, kickshaw-munchers, rot ’em ! They’re full o’ dodges, but ain’t got no bottom, VOL. LXXVI,. K pas ll fake things smart, all filagree and shine, And don’t care arf a button how they dine, But work a square stiff job straight through? No fear! That only comes o’ British beef and beer. Punch. Your beef and beer, my friend, to put it plain, Have built your brawn up, but befogged your brain ; And brain now takes the lead,—ay, more than ever : You nurse conceit, capeive you ’re far too clever To learn. Now listen! Times are changed, my lad, And you must meet them. Prejudice and fad, Conceit, and churlish scorn are a fool’s game, Which played right out will bring you nought but shame. British Workman (sullenly). What should I do? Punch. y, take the Prince’s tip. You are a man, have lots of force and grip, Which, well directed, have no cause to fear The test of competition far or near. But a blind Titan simply wastes his force; And you are blind, Ceagh strong. You huff, of course, But your first lesson, which you ’re apt to spurn, Is just to learn that have much to learn. Ay! much tt even may Sone as no language, spare your parts of speech ! Un that nose atemptaanliy up-curled. Conceit means ce. D’ye think the world Spins on a British axis? Many a gift,— Intelligence, taste, temperance, and thrift, Deftness, lity,—is found Riper on f than on English ground. Just haye the sense and pluck that fact to face, And well digest it, It is no disgrace To learn, e’en from « rival. British Workman. Or a foe ? Punch. Pooh! Fools detest the thing they do not know, And knowledge kills such hate, as it would kill ’Twixt you and “‘ foreigners” that blind ill-will, Which stamps you “‘ duffer.”’ British Workman. Cheese it! That’s too bad, You hit so hard. Punch. To work you up, my lad. jhe ne foe, and if you ’ll learn aE nd learn in time. ma , dye see, Much harsher re eg fiom's labter master, Armed with the whip of shame, defeat, disaster. Such pare home-truths may make you wince, But Punch says ditto to our sage young Prince, In words more sharpl to pierce a hide, on : Made callous by lalty and pride. British Workman. What, mine P yer mean ? Puneh, Ido. A sillier goose Was never ee | by misuse Out of such splendid as you. There, there, Few dare to tell you the plain truth. _ I dare. Stint bounce and ; face the new time’s new ends, And look abroad for lessons and for friends, Not foes, your foolish scorn and hate to move,— Just love to learn and you "Jl soon learn to love. Eyes and heart open, L *ll yet hold your own, Before a hundred riv 8 late upgrown ; Shut both, and nurse mere dogged pride of race, Strike, swill, pooh-pooh, and you must lose your place. And now your cont (a it has a sturdy grip,— Lay it on truth, and take the Prince’s tip, Dubbing a Duke. In the Globe of February 18th there appeared an ac- count of a fire at Badminton—where, by way, there must be some valuable china which is genuinely good Minton — when His Grace the Duke of Braurort was conspicuous as a Distinguished Extingu . It haying been i in the neighbourhood that the Ducal pluck was to be suitably—or sootably—rewarded, a local poet has sent us the following inspiration :-— The Duke is to be—so it seems they propose— pee a as ’re going to im a Knight o ose, As well as « Knight of the Garter. ~ PARLIAMENTARY PHYSIC. Why is Parliament at Lent like Paterfamilias at Christmas? Beceuse it has a Doctor’s Bill to settle.

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PUNCH, OR TRE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcn 8, 1879, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLISMENT. MowpayY, February’ 24 (Lords).—It is a great”comfort to have a paternal Government keeping an eye on the Plague for us. At the same time, as the Duke of Ricumonp reminded Lord Stantey of Alderley, it can’t be necessary to impose the same restrictions on Russian bottoms from the Baltic as on those from the Black Sea, seeing that Jack Frost is still doing that for us. Lord Correstox finds a voice for the British Dairyman—now writhing under the oppression of the shops Order, 1879.” The noble President of the Council reassured him. The Order was only meant to secure the public against tainted milk. It did not even press on the cow with the iron tail. If we can’t have milk that is all milk, and not half milk and water, at least we may fairly ask to be secured against typhoid with our milk and water. Lord Trvro drew a contradiction from Lord Bury of the report that men under twelve months’ service had been excluded from the Cape reinforcements, but with it an admission that the 91st and 94th Regiments had both made up—the one by 300, the other by 360 volunteers—from their “‘ linked regiments,”’ the 72nd and the 89th. All our regiments, in fact, are on the ‘‘ death and glory ” principle —only more so. The Lancers carry only skulls and cross-bones on their shakos, but our Infantry regiments go the entire skele- ton. Naturally their dry bones want clothing with flesh and blood “ Dairies, Cowsheds and Milk- | when suddenly called on to move. We would #1 Jehoshaphat as the site of the great central Bri Army dépét. (Commons.)—Among the 7 and answers most fun was got out of the little story of Ducane at the Prison Door, brought out by Mr. Horpwoon’s statement and Mr. Cross’s ions. The only parallel is the old French story of Napotzon and the Sentry, immortalised in Horace Vernet’s famous picture “‘ On ne passe s!” Only the Sentinel was promoted, while the Warder, who ad the audacity to hold the door in the First Commissioner’s face, was “‘ put on probation for six months.” ‘ If Sir Epmuwnp had been only a Prison Commissioner, the Warder who refused to admit him would have been acting strictly within rule. As he was also a Visiting Justice, the Warder ought to have admitted him—if he knew it. Butdidhe? And if he didn’t, was he to blame? In any case, Mr. Cross was com to_own that the man, if he had sinned, had sinned through over-zeal, and did not deserve punishment, and that Sir Epmunp was therefore to blame for insisting on it, even more than for losing his temper so much as to shake not only the gate but the gatekeeper, in the a to a the pave vary tenes Perhaps Si tis true that on this point ti ann fp comme Sess. cy. ir Epunp only touched the keys, and not their keeper; but as they matters materially. the Valley of were in the keeper’s hands, does not mend

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Marcu 8, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. V2» - B& MD: th "is y , ry’4 s rah) Ys) yitts 7/4 ‘IT’S AN ILL WIND THAT BLOWS NOBODY GOOD.” Scene—A Suburban Road after the last Snow. Chorus of Small Boys, ‘‘ Yen MusT ’AV IT DUN Now, Mum. Tx’ P’LiceMAN’s A-comIN’ !” The important fact is that Sir Epmunn, like Hamlet, is very sorry that to the Keeper (Zaertes) he forgot himself :— ‘ ¢ Prisons’ quis inspector Se quoque inspectat P”’ After the Questions, the House having no other business, presum- ably, got to the business of the House, and wasted the rest of the evening. But Punch, not pony | to be hauled over the Commons’ coals, and having before his eyes the fear of Mr. Mrrcueti-Hewry, and the terrors of Privilege, is compelled to lurk, like that villain Dolus at law, ‘‘ in generalibus,” and leave his readers to a who was busiest in doing nothing, and who worked hardest at helping him. The upshot is that several hours were spent in the little game of dividing over the Resolution till between one and two, when the other Resolutions were postponed till Thursday week. Tuesday (Lords).—The Lord President introduced his Bill to heal the healers, medicine the medicos, and doctor the doctors, and all the Acts relating thereto. For nineteen licensing bodies, there will, under this be three for England, Ireland, and Scotland, with one conjoint examining body, which may examine and grant certifi- cates for registration, even without a diploma. This is to meet the ease of the Ladies, who can now get medical educations more easily than medical diplomas—in fact, are at liberty to penetrate the adyta of the Temple of Aisculapius as they best can, without being allowed to ascend steps that lead up to it. The constitution of the Medical Council is to be referred to con- sultation of a joint Committee of Lords and Commons. This looks like a piece of fun on the part of the Lord President,—but the Duke is quite serious. Fancy the Medical Council appointing a joint Committee of the Royal ) consultation on the constitution of Lords and Commons! Surru of the Iron-clads, that France and England have each sent a ian waters, but with no ial instructions—other which has frequently to be consulted both by Diplo- i in the absence of special instructions. nm called ‘‘the Gospel of | the Colleges of Physicians and Surgeons for | shift. Sir J. McKenna—amidst a chorus of gieppeovel—sttempied to check the flow of deposits into Bank tills, by requiring deposit receipts with a two-shilling stamp. Mr. Hanxey protested against the House of Commons trying to teach Bankers their business, and the Motion was withdrawn amidst a general t in the principle that, as water will find its level, so money will run where interest is offered for it. Mr. C. Howarp tried to put a spoke in the Manchester water- wheels by interposing a dam, in the shape of a Royal Commission, between the demands of Manchester and the domains of the Ladies of the Lakes of Cumberland and Westmoreland. Alas! what are all these Ladies and their lovers to one rich and thirsty Cottonopolis ? ** Bibat Mancunium, siccentur lacus.” Messrs. Birtey and Brown opposed. Mr. SciaTeR-Boorn said a Commission was superfluous ; that Blue Books enough had been pumped from the lakes already; Messrs, Prayrarr, Forster, and Rarxes chorussed him, House of Howarp was fain to hide its diminished head ; the Motion was withdrawn, and the House Counted Out, more suo, at twenty minutes past eight. Who dares say Parliament talks too much ? Wednesday. — Ash Wednesday, appropriately devoted to the remains of dead. Mr. Mowx has hit upon the unhappy thought of converting the quartette of Burial Bills into a quintette, by a Bill for the tion of a Dissenters’ patch 2 eT a sort of Pr pe way unhallowed ground,” in whic pel may inter its r its Mr. Forsrra supported the Bill, inst which Mr. Osnorwe Moran protested as “‘a miserable pitiful stop-gap and make- Mr. Beresrorp Hore declared that it would be “killing the Dissenter’s snipe,” — cutting away the (burial) ground from Mr. Hussarp mg ay wpe Bag Ee burial-grounds to plant in them their batteries against Messrs. Hirssert and Asuiey, Water and Forsren, advised —

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jl 5 “Digan 100 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Marcu 8, 1879, e. naalte mg the withdrawal of the Bill, as no settlement of what must soon be settled, and could only be settled in one way ; and Mr. Cross, after a candid enumeration of all the reasons inst the Bill, declared his intention of voting for it! It might do some good, and really he did not see that it need do any . Mr. Monk made thoroughly ashamed of himself by such support, pleaded in vain for leave to withdraw his Bill, but had to sit and see it thrown out by 160 to 129—and serve him right. But Ash Wednesday is a day of humiliation. _ Thursday (Lordé).—Lard Canwanvor ¢alled attention to some silliness on a serious subject lately vented at the Epidemiological Society by a Gentleman connected with a Public Department, about the desirableness ving or two cases of the plague here, in order that t form the subject of scientific observa- tion, and his hope overnment would keep themselves clear of “all the nonsense of tine.” The President of the Council very properly diselai all the nonsense of this Gentleman, and gave him a well-merited rap over the knuckles to boot. Plague is too serious a cubiont for flippant doctrinarianism. Commons.)—After an hour over eous matters, including an attempt by Dr. Kuweaty to lug in the British Bart. on the shoulders of Witt1am Hapron (exonerated by Peace’s dying confession from the murder of a r policeman), and an assurance to the Major from the Secretary at Wag that six Guardsmen to three Linesmen was quite a fair division between Guards and Line of the vacancies im the 24th Regiment, Mr. Mrrcueti-Hewry brought on his great question of privilege against the Times for accusing him, and other Irish Members, of “malign intentions,” of ‘‘lymg in ambush,” and issuing thence for purposes of “ obstruction,” in the inctioctent discussion of Sir Srarvonp’s Resolutions last Monday night. Punch will not rash in where the Times has not feared to tread, and will only say that any Member more incapable of obstruction than Mr. Mrrcneri-Hewnry, and, indeed, all the Home-Rulers— Messrs. Bregar and Parwett, O’DonweEtt and O’Connor Powrs, in particular—he has never seen in the House of Commons, and that he only wishes that every evening of the Session was as well employed as last Monday. He hopes that will satisfy Mr. Mitrcueii-Henry. With this, Punch withdraws himself gratefully under the wings of the Skibbereen Eagle, an organ of Erin which can make Mr. _ oon he confessed, and even greater than he, “‘ tremble in his shoes. In Supply,— Oliver asking for more. Besides £2,751,000 to cover | | Exchequer Bonds falling due, Sir Starrorp NorrHcore wants a/ Million and a half at once for the Zulu War,—to say nothing, for the present, of the little bills of the future. As *‘ coming events cast their shadows before,” Sir SrarrorD pre- pares us for a black Budget, by confessing to a deficit of a Million— in his own pleasant way of putting it; but which is really, as Mr. CHILDERS made out but too clearly, a deficit of more than six millions. We have been stopping the gap by Exchequer Bills and Bonds, till, floating and unfunded debt together, we have more than Twenty-four Millions of our State paper “ out,” which will have to be ‘* met” sooner or later. Sir ravens is as learned in the distinction be- tween varieties of debt as the cook, no doubt, was in varieties of sauce, when the geese stupidly ventured to express a preference on the subject. But if Brrrawnra will be lighted on the way where glory waits her, she has no right to grumble at the cost of the candles. Let grovelling ‘‘ unimperial” administrations look to the candle-ends. Major Noxan still calls for breech-loading big guns; and the Authorities seem disposed to listen to him, since the 38-tonner burst under cree which with a breech-loader would have been impossible. A good deal of rumbling and grumbling, ominous of impending eruption of the anti-Zulu-war-volcano. The Office, Sir Sunes Frere, and Lord CHetmsrorD, may all look out for squalls. Nay has. not the fiery O’SHavemwessy that, at need, he will himself impeach, if not impale, the High Commissioner on his own F hook. Better, at least, wait to hear what the High Commissioner and Commander-in-Chief have to say for themselves. Colonel StaNLEY brought in his Bill for Amendment and Consoli- dation of Military Law. If the House approve this, as seems likely, Sir W. Harcourt and Common Sense both standing sponsors for the Bill, we shall henceforth give legal force to our Military Code by an annual Act. This will leave the House as complete control of the Standing Army as it has now, besides substituting a well-digested and reasonable — Military Law for a confused and often unreasonable one. e Bill seems to deserve favour, and to likely to find it. It does not betray any signs of the threatened Beaconstieldian design to slip the Army’s head out of the Parlia- mentary collar. Friday (Lords), — Lord Fortescue wants thews and sinews “weighed in” with brains, in the Army Examinations. So do Lord Hamppen and Lord Harpiner. Lord Bury, and the CommanpDER- 1n-Curer don’t see their way to weighing such incomponderables as brawn, beef, and brains together. Lord CARDWELL is very glad. Competitive Examination is bad enough as it is, without having ‘* athletic sports” brought withinits grasp. But bad as Competitive Examination may be, there is one thing worse, and that is, appoint- ment by favour without it. : (Commons.)—Upon as weighty a matter as can engage the National wisdom. Do we know whether India is prosperous or bankrupt—or as ill or well governed as, granted English rule, she can be? If we don’t know,—and Professor F awor?t says we don’t, though he does,—that she is bankrupt and may thank our mis-government for it—ought not Parliament at once to set about acquiring the knowledge? Cer- y, say Mr. Larye, Mr. Newpercare, Sir G. Campsett, Mr. Batent, and Mr. O'Downztt, “ Not just now,” says Mr. Grant- Derr. ‘ Not the least use, bless ,”? says Mr. SranHoPE, with ex-officio cockiness. ‘‘ Things couldn’t be better—at least wouldn’t be better—for all the inquiry in the world.” Sir Starronp, in his pene half-and-half style, takes his seat be- tween the two stools of Mr. Guawt- and Mr. Stannore. Punch s his shoulders, and listens to the whiegerings of the Indian wind, which blows nobody any . Bo the House votes no inquiry 139 toe 100, preferring to wait till inquiry is forced upon it by e hard hand of disaster. WINTER EXHIBITION. HE last Visit to the Exhi- bition of the Works of the Old Masters, which closes on the second Saturday in March. No. 52. Portrait of Frances, Lady Sondes. Sir Josuvua REYNOLDs, P.R.A,. Sir Josuva ReyNnoxps pinxit. Ti 1s A portrait of a Minx, it is. No. 54. Saying Grace. Jan Sreen. A wondrous picture. My only regret W\\ is, that the 3 of -. _ SS saying e should indi- \ r Peatiafaction with * the ham, which has already seen some service. t S reminds me of LxxEcH’s » picture, “‘‘ For what we are going to receive,’ &c.— at! cold mutton again!”’ The position of No. 54 is appropriately close to the Hatreshment Room, where The index-finger like a truncheon Points the shortest way to luncheon. No. 56. The Eve of the Deluge. Jan BrureHEL. Summer's evening, somewhere, or summer, where,—Summer’s town by sunset, rhaps. Every sort of animal, including a Flanders dray- orse, out enjoying themselves in the grounds, ~ oy of Noah’s illa, which is visible in the distance, represented as an eligible residence of the period, peeing in its own park-like surround- ings.” Noan and family probably inside, packing up. I suppose he put a pair of everything in his pee: socks, boots, hand- kerchiefs,—but how about hats Refer to CoLenso, who now represents the Unorthodox Cocker. The Ark, like the British t in the Critic, ‘‘ is out of sight,” geepedly at its moorings. 0. 60. Portrait of a Man, said to be General Ve . PErer Pact Rupens. Ii a portrait of the General, there ’s no doubt about his being a man. No. 68. Portrait of a Dutch Gentleman. BARTHOLOMEW VAN pER Heist. Certainly, a portrait of a gentleman, but, at the same time, what a picture of a ruff! 4 No. 80. Ruth and Boaz. GuRBRANDT YAN DER Excknovr, This is the work of an artist who was able to eke out a Hy elfen by painting. Boaz was a merciful man because he wasn’t Ruthless. No. 83. Portrait of Cornelia Remoens, ABRAHAM JANSSENS. Without the portrait, it may be truly said, in the words of the poet, “ Collar and cuff Are quite enough.’’ No. 85. Head of a Girl. Jean Bartiste Guevze. As poor old be | (Vide Comie Catechism.)

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Marcu 8, 1879, } PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 101 Herr Von Joxt, the siffleur at Evans's, used to =p about threspenng, olget, “* Pootiful! Pootiful! Ach! '” belongs to y Even, and is quite lovely h for The ‘‘ Head of a Girl” anoles goal sutiect tor duo of our Young Masters. Here it is: I will give it to the R.A.’s Let me see in this year’s Academy the Beard of an Oyster. daring young shaver will do it ? No. 141.. 4 Hunting Scene. By Tuxtonetto. Description :~One elderly and one aged Gentleman in black, eo | at a table, under an alcove. a Lady of a certain age. Two younger Ladies are standing. Three rather effeminate-looking young men, acco nied by four hounds, have just returned from the exciting of the bringing with them one small hare, in not pertiousaay part pe wetaens meee A .~- i oe be ae “ baler ya , perhaps, ex g guests, are de among themselves the best way of Loving e dressed, so as to make the most of it, among seven of them, ee Gentleman is he cone) Seatly etoerti his right to ont ie himself ,— a proposition indignantly rejected ay Ge others, 1 t they will come off, an. ow, at dinner-time. The pieture might be called “‘ The Hare—and Many Friends.” In the distance is ano- ther figure ing for another hunt. No notice is taken of 80 let us hope that his return with a little e of some sort, an unexpected, but pleasant surprise. a Young Master i of an old one painted this picture, would the Art-critics have gone raptures over it ? Gatiery No. VII. Here are the Miniatures, which appear, like barristers, in various cases. A visit just now is specially suitable, as they are all Lent. And if the present unseasonable season is Lent to us, the sooner it is returned, and we get something more pleasant, the better for all. Case B. No. 6. Portrait of Jean Petitot, who “ might be called,” 8 the guide, ‘‘ the inventor of enamel miniature.” Might be ealled ! Then call him so. He won't be offended. Juan Perirroz you can look back with pleasure on your great feat ! Case F. Edward the Sizth as a Boy. Hans Horsery. “ As a Boy!” Well, he was a boy, and not a sort of boy—for Ais age. Head and Hans were at work here. Case G. Samuel Butler, Author of “‘ Hudibras.” Samvuxt Cooper. Fit and proper for the Cooper to paint the Butler. Case L. No. 10. Group of Ladies, full length, in various costumes. In the manner of Hollar,—evidently expecting a caller. Capital! ‘ Hollar! Boys, Hollar!” nd last of all,— Picture of a Gentleman Going Out—By Himself. (Exit, down-stairs; bid a long farewell to .‘‘my Uncles,” who return me my umbrella on my giving back the ticket, and so out into Piccadilly. =F Prince Leopold’s New Order. Prince ALBERT could pass his mantle of the Garter, with the other insignia of that illustrious fraternity, to some succeeding brother of the Order. But his mantle of brotherhood in that higher Order of the wise and , who think and work for the welfare of men, has since his death remained without a wearer. It has found one, where he should have been looked for, in his son Prince Leopotp. Long and sorely tried by sickness, this young Prince, we rejoice to learn by his recent public utterances, has t in suffering what he now teaches in speech, if not in song. The genial and energetic elements of a Ruling Race were already Princely ers and Workers for Culture remained for the youngest. Punch hails his assumption of this his true toga virihe. Punch to a Plenipotentiary. “ Sir Henry Layarp has reached Trieste from Constantinople.” —Mail of March 1st. Gor as far as Trieste? Well, you ’ve well earned a rest, My excellent Nineveh Bayard ; And as now you’ve tried East, nor succeeded the least, To try West you ’ll do best, my dear Layarp. Britannia To Burearta (as the last addition to the Family of Nations).—‘* Welcome, little stranger!” appropriated by his brothers, but his father’s mantle of the high Order | Sundries (Personal 0: PENANCES FOR LENT. ORD BEACONSFIELD. —To a Free stones ‘ ris Zulula out CHeLas- FORD'S of cam- es —— : saute aa ] — Vow B 5 marck.—To come to with th de ” Lord Dufferin.—To learn iets \ The Emperor of Russia.—To give the cold shoulder to Lord The Chancellor of the Bachequer-—To frame & Budget that will ¥ | Pets Pleas of Beypt.—To inoue seting orders to the E lish and fi anchored off Alesundria. bat se yhomas Okemo Te fot that will hold wate a) 8.—To an t i wa eit Civil ‘oe tite argumen 0 r i) One Anot res. of our Lord Chief-Justices.—To lose his temper. of our Lord Chief-Justices.—To keep his temper. And Mr. Punch eomeeet penance of all).—To keep two waste-paper going y instead of one. AN EGYPTIAN ACCOUNT CURRENT. Tue following statement of expenditure has been ee up in Cairo, and forwarded to 85, Fleet Street. It is signed ‘‘ Ismaxw.”’ Shoul the owner have any further use for it, he may obtain the original by application to Punch Office. Expenses of the spontaneous deputation of 200 village , my including donkey-hire, and Caravanserai B ish to 300 boys for shouting in front of WiLson’s Additional to ten very bad boys, for yelling at the renchman , F ‘ : ; ‘ : : ; 7 Hunchback for making a face at the Minister of Finance O4 Zs. d, 2018 7 710 4} e ° ‘ 1 9 7 to Generals of Division é é o* BO @ Coffee and for tal Officers . ed 7 6 Four hours of shouting to Officers, at 1s, 6d. an hour 6 0 Colonel for tearing Witson’scoat . . . . «10 0 0 NE ee oe a a ee 4 To Widow of ier who was shot (as by ~ pe € 8 9 For i of popular enthusiasm for the sda Decayed Vegetables, E &e. (for use of Mutineers) . 25 7 6 Sundry payments to Tekesais , Fax-Collectors, Clerks, movements. ‘ é - 100 0 0 Expenditure) ; P ‘ 3,478,942 19 10 Total £3,479,222 9 8 &e., &c., for Mahometan vision in Banc | ! ~f—3- AT —-. crowded the Court. | es ere ote hore Roen ae ae Ison appears to contend. fori that B diseretion—con -

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W// {i i) Pail Re be LL i NNN Ty OA Ua) i ; eae ETYMOLOGICAL. ‘¢WuHaT Lots oF Pets you've cot, Lapy Crrce! ** Nor HALF ENouGcH, CAPTAIN JINKS! “An APIARY! You DON’T MEAN TO SAY YOU’RE FOND oF MonKEYS—AW Harry Kweecuaws!” I’m GOING TO START AN APIARY !”’ ” AN ECHO OF THE TIME. (Being the right sort of Leader to balance any number of columns of Peace gossip, set forth with any amount of large-type sensation headings.) Iv is indeed a hideous satire on the boasted civilisation of our time, a strange trophy of the victory claimed for it in the Cater tamy —for which if Germany has found a name, we claim our own battle- fields, and our own glory-roll,—that this abandoned and reckless ruffian | should be made the hero of the hour, the nine days’ wonder of that pachydermatous curiosity which can be reached by no stimulant less potent than the basest, coarsest, and most realistic sensationalism. From the columns of our contemporaries for some weeks past it might have seemed that land boasted of but one hero, that the Empire supplied but one subject of interest, that Society had but one topic of conversation—the career of a conspicuously villanous burglar and specially reckless taker of human life. For the moment, Home politics and Imperial interests are alike thrust into the background, the debates of the House of Commons dropped for the highly-wrought descriptions of the press-room— more appropriately ever so named, now that the reporter is the only one besides the prison-officials and the hangman admitted to its high and hol a We may be told t this morbid craving of the ‘‘ many-headed monster” must be ca’ for; that this prurient taste for the criminal and the vicious, the harrowing and the horrible, must be pandered to. If even business-like Joun But for awhile for- ts the quating tome for the condemned cell, and Brirawnia ays down her trident to help in the adjustment of the hangman’s hemp—if Marwoop, for the moment, becomes the man of the hour, in co- ership with the wretch over whose ashy face he draws the white cap,—what right, it may be asked, has the public organ to refuse to the same topic its “faculty of eyes and ears” and the service of its busy and ubiquitous bande? We boldly put in our demurrer to this plea in confession and avoid- ance, and while we blush to have even to maintain our obligation to a nobler view of the duty of the Public Instructor, we loudly pro- claim that this unwholesome interest in the life and death of a criminal, fed as it has been by all the channels of publicity, is a disgrace to the boasted civilisation of the nineteenth century. Jur space will not allow us to dilate further on this Gayusting topic. n our second, third, and fourth pages will be found a full and graphically descriptive account of the birth, boyhood, manhood, crimes, accomplishments, amours, adventures, hair-breadth ’scapes, incredible disguises, aapepeneen, trial, conviction, prison-conversa- tion, conduct, and confession, last hours and execution of the con- temptible miscreant whose career has served as a text for this much needed protest. ‘Fas est et ab Hoste Doceri.” “Certain Russian journalists,’ we are informed by the Times, “have formulated the project of a literary ‘Council of Honour,’ with the view of placing a restraint on the excesses of newspaper controversy.” We recommend the example to our own anti-Russian organs. Perhaps, on application, and presentation of their credentials of excess in the shape of articles, they might be taken into the Council, A Necessity of the Times. Tue Standard says that 50,000 copies have been issued _since 1875 of the Archbishop of Canrersury’s authorised form of Prayers in Stormy Weather. pay se said to be for the use of those at sea. this mean Her Majesty’s blue-jackets, or Her Majesty’s Government ? THE KHEDIVE TO HIS CREDITORS. WRIGGLE ME, wriggle me, wriggle me free— If my hands wave tas loose, I would soon let you see !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Manrcn 8, 1879. Z wt be FINAN hoe Oe aa esom ftllLLOD A” Hi ed ef ae Sam” eZ eee A ded os - SHA FAST AND LOOSE. “ AVAST HEAVIN’, MISTER KHEDIVE! YOU TIED THEM ROPES YOURSELF! WE MEAN TO HAVE A TURN AT ’EM NOW!!”

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| Marcon 8, 1879.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 105 IT DON’T FOLLOW. N unreasonable Bond Street Shopkeeper writes to the Times, |; complaining that, though he pays £100 .a-year as , rates, and his two hundred and seventeen fellow-shop- keepers £21,000 a- year between them, the &t. George’s Vestry leaves the snow to melt et Bonny it falls. Just as if the duty of the rate-payers to * down with the dust” implied a dut in rate-leviers to ‘ up wi the snow! ” Voices of the Angels. In a new “ Sym Réligieuse,” by a French | 22° » Com peat "lately 4 pete ie # HENRY Choir, ‘- have the Soveite | of Angels imtroduced among the executants, the -. \ — lee —~ ‘celestial voices singing , without words’ — as the Critic of the Zimes de- scribes—in a “‘ succession of ‘hm's,’ interrupted by an occasional ‘ah.’” This sort of utterance would seem to suggest the old Hummums as the abode of the Angels, and that ‘* Hea’ Chinee” Au-Srne as their ‘music-master. He, too, is a Celestial—so it is all in the family. FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE, Being a Brief Record of a few Winter-seasonable Visits to certain Country Houses. VISIT THE THIRD.—CHAPTER XY. At Meadowsweet Manor—Mosthyn Dickie—His Heartiness—Deaf- ness— Tea—T ‘tai Violence—-Sunshine—Servants—House— And Househo ** My dear fellow! ” he exclaims, in a bluff, good-humoured tone and smiling all over his face, under and all’ round his gre y beard and moustache. “* My dear fellow! this is capital of at "Exoel- lent! You’re a trump to come down in such abominable weather.” Mostuyrwn Dicxre is thoroughly hearty. It is evidently genuine ; nothing of the faur-bonhomme about him. Happy Thought 2 title for a good old hospitable Country Gentleman).—** His Heartiness.” I observe, hat I am only too delighted. He is, I find, a trifle | th deaf, and looks me steadily and earnestly in the face, as though he | tremb suspected me of saying something that I don’t want him to hear. I repeat louder, that 1 am delighted, most delighted, to have the | the Teer & of A mg him. again, and he won’t let go my hand. It seems as if oy cout never have enough either of my hand, or of starin me in the face. He appease to be tryin, £ to convince himself, beyon all possibility of error, that it is myself, and nobody else. He frowns on me, always -humouredly, but, still, with an air of uncer- op as 4 toes he were saying to himself, “It’s gg e the expected ; but 1’ve been so taken in, lately, b eeatthe I'd give a trifle to know if it is really he or not.’ He swings my han forward and begkusrd, then shakes it, then wrin it, then repeats, “ Well, this is kind of you to come,” as though “1 were in some awful difficulty, and I | just arrived in the nick of time to save him. At last he seems to have made up his mind that I really am the person I ’ve represented myself to be, whereupon he 1 my hand a final hearty shake, as though he were sia * Gk * to me, (in effect he is dismissing me from his mesial oubts), a1 a then, just as he is relinquishing my hand he seizes it again as if afraid lest, on being released, I ae ond = e for the glass door and run away, and says in a tone that evinces | the deepest anxiety for mR wT that * Now you ‘Il have something ?’ 0 ay Quite sure ?” he asks, still detaining my hand, and scrutinising me in a way that o_o he is accustomed to inconsistency on the part of newly-arrived guests. He is right. I am not quite sure. “Ah!” he exclaims—it is a very broad ‘‘ Ah! ’’—much relieved. “That ’s right. You will have something. Glass of sherry? nog a ~and-soda ? Anything you like. Everything’ s here. What’ll you have ? Evidently, I’ve set is ate, quarters at Mosruyn Dicxre’s. I A of tea can be obtained without trouble—mind, without trouble— But I have not to say another word. He does not clap hia and a ebon slaves appear, as, since my have been two or three 9 servants awaiting my commands in hall, with absolutely nervous anxiety, At the mention of tea, one of them has disappeared, through a side-door, which swings-to ow, what’s he gone for?” ty Mostuyy Dickie, being, as I have said, oe ent ¢ deaf, has not caught my expre for tea. * Jawes has or tea, Sir,” replies Servant Number Two, “Eh, what?” — Mosruyy Dickie spreading ‘7 ple pom tig Comer at cilapaed suddenly Joh iaicn his thing in the wor is fortune at one fell Lowe ae wath of my, That ’s what I m fas Bid Aa any, I excepted), ‘‘ They can’t wait—absolutely reat ‘wait - Sider? but just because it A.) “ teo-Fine, off he must go! I tell "he continues, in a deepl url fae, *T tell stem, when any om oa they re! to wait until the now if an thing is but ’—he is working y know i up into a — and once a » Ay have it!’ At t James returns with the tea, and I am able to explain that this is what he had been to fetch for me. “Oh,” says Drexre, with the air of a man whe out of politeness, Age Mey | Hy putes t 2 ” he repeats, with a sort of vague bow uu spetally directed towards the hats and coats that are e “oh, all right! Only,” here he thrusts both his trouser-pockets, and turns round full on me as if he w oar Pes 5 regener pouce to mp Cite tighe, at all events, “ why 4 Me F~ oi. have no answer for this. The two Servants—the offending te oy another—are still standing there in the hall, bas they e no sign; and as I do & i to speek, hold a brief for them, us coompy 3 m with the tea. two Servan we an the peint of withdrawing, when Mosruyy Dicxre an suddenly and peremptorily. Po is startlingly fi and I t le lest the men involved in another difficul on nar esnenai in which case mi into the Servants’ Hall and express themselves in very ed on the subject of my visit. ostuys Dicxre turns to me, frowns, and, in a tone of the most intense asks, Wave thay gen ou any sugar ?”” ven so tragically, as to impress me with the idea that I jing toa qpotation from some Shakespearian — Stole’ beartat I don’t recollect the line. 1 ay lag: Po tp ey pe g the s me C) oe I can fancy both shaking in in their shoes, - end ( if they are comic servants), * will, decide their fate, as, oe, ues had omitted, exclaim, ‘ with their heads!” and there rel Lc plenty therefore, a little saveuiy, 1 admit—*' Yes—thank you a Sy cores, © obliged to own that the ancy I hear a su sigh of relief from the two servants. = ar are sure?” bd tis pe Mostuyy Dickre, with searching emphasis, as though he were examining me on my oath. “ Yes, I’m quite sure. It’s Mp nice,” I say ; and I drink it, in y | proof of my assertion, while he w es me narrowly, as if to see whether - ——a soe ‘should contradict my statement. No. Afte as possible in the circumstances of half the contents Sof t = cup, I me ht round at him, and smile, as was gent to to smile. "he says, —- pane & me gistensttuly, 0s | as though expedient me to recant my opinion, and refuse to sw more tea, unless it were imm y sweetened ;—“‘ because Mrs, Pounp always forgets either the sugar or the milk, or something. She’s got no head—not a bit’”—most extraordinary bemwwes Mrs. TorED Se be, woogie a is—" to ‘iret something, either the home the milk—or,’ ealy 2 a “or the Tea!” This so tickles his that right hand out of his to dig bg me foriy fn the ity to attract my wand t attention to | to te poin and which I notice has has highl the two a1 h, 3 repeat, ‘“‘or the Tea! Eh? Forget oe Ha! ha! ha!” Whereupon the servants, seeing that the storm has blown over, discreetly disap- pear thro through a noiseless green-baize door. he a ee

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| | 106 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron 8, 1879, NSS 7 ety in| SNS) PD | = || j ’ | . iN} | - peg | | ! MK} i} “ap i 4 ; X \ q ’ | \) Hi | di: \ 7 =o ~ ~ | i/ = aR iz 4, / EY Yj LH bir — V4 Yy jar 7 Lee / £ we ALARMING SPREAD OF IMPERIALISM! Uncle (who has passed all his military life in India, and just returned), ‘‘ OFF, ALREADY, Greorce! Wuar’s your HURRY, my Boy?!” Nephew. ‘‘ Wny, you sex, Unciz, I’ve cor a SpeAKeErR’s ORDER FOR THE HovsE 0’ | Commons. I WANT TO HEAR——” | Uncle. ‘‘ Dean ME! You DON’T MEAN TO SAY THAT OLD RUBBISH IS GOING ON sTILL!” Mostuyn Dickie continui to relish this joke without reference to me, I take the cageeety of looking round the hall to get some further idea of what Meadowsweet Manor 18 e, Judging from what I can see of the Italian style, portico and pillars without, tesselated pavement within, polished marble (or imitation) columns, and lofty whitewashed ceilings, ornamented with that sort of ag epee which the decorative art at the confectioners’ seems to consider as an indi finish to the white-sugared top of a children’s twelfth cake,—judging, I say, from shininess and polish, I begin to think I am realising the vision of the operatic poet who sang “ T dreamt that I dwe-elt in mar-ar-ble halls, With vassals and serfs at my si-i-ide,” And I add to myself, that I feel pretty sure I shail ‘‘ be happy yet.” For it is easy for any one to discover, in less than a quarter of an hour after arrival in this house, that these sudden outbursts of Mostyn Dicxre’s are simply his way, which really alarm no one who is accustomed to them, and that, in spite of all his grumb he is absolutely idolised by every dependant on the establishment. He is a widower, and the lady of the house is, I find, his daughter— Mrs. DE Bres_tin—who, with her two yeone. chil- dren, usually reside at Meadowsweet Manor. The people about address her as ‘‘ Madame de Bresiiy,” or simply “Madame,” and from Mrs. Pounp (the housekeeper ‘* with- out a head”) [ soon ascertain enough of the family history to make it evident tome that the es said about Monsieur de Bres- LIN the better. He is spoken of as “‘ com- pelled to travel a great deal on various im- portant foreign missions.”’ I have just received this information from Mrs. Pours, the housekeeper, who is the real manageress of the entire establish- ment, when Mostuyn Dickie enters my room, A PROMISE AT PARTING. ‘* But I understand that the acceptance of that post is one that has been accompanied by the most perfect conditions of allegiance to his party.” —Speech of Lorp GRANVILLE at the Reform Club Banquet to Lonp DurreRin. Wuewn along Neva’s frozen banks My sledge-bells cleave the air, It may be I shall turn with thanks To him who sent me there. Yet deem not that the arts of Ben Have bonds of Party cleft.— Mine be the measures of the men Who dined me ere I left !— And still,—my light through snow and storm,— ‘ Shali shine that Spread at the Reform’! It may be, in a month or two, When I’m thought ‘‘ well in hand,” Lord B. may think, ‘* By Jove, he ’ll do! There ’s nothing he won’t stand.” But if some Jingo point to score They have a sudden mind, And wire to me, then all the more I’ll think of where I dined And,—like a beacon through the storm,— Shall shine that Spread at the Reform ! ‘“MILLERS AND THEIR MEN” FOR THE LAST TIME—(WE HOPE). Our friend, the Textile Manufacturer, is not daunted even by the late verdict against his friends the Millers and their Men. He returns to the subject in a long and bounce- able article, riding off on the difference be- tween “‘ sizing,” and “‘ stiffening ;” and con- tending that as there is a ‘‘ demand” for sized and stiffened goods, there can be no harm in supplying them. He forgets that the ‘‘ demand ” comes not from the customers who wear, but from the dealer who sells the “‘loaded”’ , It does not lessen the dishonesty of sell- ing, for cotton, cloths half cotton half China clay, that an unscrupulous draper asks an unscrupulous manufacturer to supply him with such half-and-half wares. obody, we should sup) , ever thought of excusing Melter Moss by pleading the ‘‘ demand” for the ‘‘ Brummagem” fivers with which he supplied the market. It remained for the Textile Manufacturer to set up this plea. Wuat Weston MAY SAY Now HIS WALK 18 OvER.—*‘ Oh, my poor feat !”

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Marcu 8, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL PATCHWORK : y atc) War. Ah! we shall make him up. Commander-in- Chief. Oh yes, no doubt. But ’tis a nuisance that these skeins run out. Doesn’t look uniform—tints don’t quite blend. Secretary for War. Motleyish, eh ? ‘omma -in- Chief. Not a bad makeshift, really, as things go. But as for following our pattern! Secretary for War. Oh! Don’t mention it. The Critics will excuse A little jumbling of our reds and blues, nh the pressure,— Commander-in- Chief. Well, they may ; But hurry-scurry Patchwork does not pay. Stitch on! We’re near the cnd. OR. MAKING UP A BRITISH REGIMENT. pl ) iv “u LTT TTITITID For once, the oad may pass without a i e. But botching haste might end in a bad tang [Left stitching against time. Steps in the Christian Walk. Youne Prince Lovurs Napo.Eon received his ‘‘ baptism of fire” at the taking of Saarbriick. He is now about to proceed to Zulu-Land for his tion. Punch feels bound in fairness to add, that he is a brave, bright lad, and has won golden opinions from all, both officers, professors, and comrades, with whom he has been brought in contact in his Woolwich training, and during the mancuvres in which he has taken part.

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1OR [Maron 8, 1879. PUNCH, OR THE L ~) Via ’ ' af! | Nts } ; ibe WY BY ’ OA NO dy NYY : aN iN} aN Aue f > T Wey N\ ‘hs Nat AYR NTE ht ov MAUR. £ a DISCUSSING AN ABSENT FRIEND. ‘Yes, Roprwson’s a CLievern Fetter, AND HE’s A MODEST Fetee; BUT, BETwixr You anp I anp THE post, Mr. Jonzs,” ricKING mis Wrepom Toorn with #18 LirTie Fincer Nari, ‘‘ Ropinson AIN’T GOT NEITHER THE Looks, NoR YeT TH® LANGUAGE, NOR YET THE MANNERS OF A GewrLeman!”’ SHOVELLING THE MELTED REMAINS PupprIne Into BI8 Mourn wits A Sree, Knire (WHICH HE AFTERWARDS WIPED ON sé UGHT Yoo ARE, Sim!” sam Jonzs, OTH ‘ You'vg ir ’ma ony ro a TI” ONDON CHARIVARL — ———— — x OFFERS TO OPPONENTS. Tue general burst of satisfaction with which the appointment of Lord Dorrerin to the post of Ambassador at St. Petersburg has been hailed by men of all parties, has induced Her Majesty’s Government to make further application of their conci- liatery principle in the following | offers, seve of which, however, have been firmly, but courteously, declined :-— Earl Granvitte to be Her Ma- jany’s Special Envoy Extraordinary to the new King of Burman. The Marquis of HartrneTon to be Governor of Piteairn’s Island. Sir W. Vernon Harcourt to be General Political Agent in the South Pacific. The Duke of Arcytt to the con- duct of a Literary and Scientific Mission in Afghanistan. Mr. Giapstone to be Plenipoten- tiary (Extraordinary) at the Court of the new Principality of Bulgaria. Mr. Forstrr to be Special Local Inspector for the Red Sea Pearl Fisheries. Sir Barrie Frere to be Her Majesty’s Representative in the Crater of Vesuvius. | And Mr. Parnent to be Perma- nent High Commissioner of all Her Majesty’s territories at the back of the North Pole, as the head-quarters of Cold Obstruction. —EEEEE=Z WORK FOR THE WAR OFFICE. We have heard a great deal lately about Skeleton Regiments. | Wanted: Somebody with a genius for organisation to make these dry bones live. Fetzer, AND HE’s A Honest sAip Brown, CONFIDENTIALLY, or HIS aia) TuRNING OvER A New Lear IN THE Tapug- | BULGARIA (ask for the Assembly at RAILWAY LIABILITY. | Ser, in divers law reports, the case of Foulkes v. the Metropolitan | Railway Company, lately tried before the Lorp Carer Justice. This was an action for compensation of injuries received by the plaintiff in getting out of one of the defendants’ carriages on to the platform of the South-Western Terminus at Richmond. A jury gave him £500 damages. Defendants, however, su uently, the ‘ther day, in the Queen’s Bench Division, obtained a rule nisi for a new trial on the question of liability as between themselves and the South-Western Company—rule ulti ly, on cause being shown wrainst it, refused. As to pony Bm yo that question might have been more aptly settled out of an amicable arrange- ment concluded upon in a little quiet CHAT BETWEEN RAILWAY CHAIRMEN. Chairman Hobson (to Chairman Jobson). Well, how goes traffic ? Chairman Jobson. Decidedly improving. And yours? Hobson. Better too. Times on the mend. By the bye, old man, we must mend our ways. We, that is both of our Companies, who, for mutual accommodation, are using each other’s lines. Jobson. What’s the matter ? Hobson. We have met with a serious misfortune. A poor man, in getting out of a carriage belonging to us, but situated on your rails and at your terminus, dislocated his ankle, and is crippled for life. Jobson. That’s his misfortune. Hobson, Yes: but ours too. amount of a thousand pounds. Jobson. Dear, dear, how yery sad—his misfortune, I mean. But only a thousand pounds! ta moderate claim for so dreadful an injury !—that is, if it wasn’t his own fault. Hobson. No, Jowpy, there’s no denying it; the fault was ours. Our train was one of which the carriages were no less than two feet above the level of the platform—by the way, your platform. He claims compensation to the £@ To Copansron pants. — The Beditor does not hold himself bound bo acknowledge, retu stamped and directed envelope, Copies | Tirnova).—To set things straight. Jobson. Our platform is fully two feet below the level of your i That is as much our fault as yours. Let us pay half, Hobson, Well, if you like. Certainly your orn and our carriages caused the accident between them. e@ carriages are srovided with footboards so awkward that people must jump down on them upon some of the platforms to avoid slipping and getting maimed or’killed. Jobson. What a jump for an old gentleman with the gout in his great toe! Hobson. Don’t mention it. We’ve had numerous complaints too, and plenty of warning. Jobson. So we have. Let us no longer neglect those complaints and those warnings at our peril—a worse peril next time, perhaps, than that of a mere indemnity. Hobson, Yes. platforms. Jobson. We, at the same time, will meet you half-way. We will elevate our platforms towards your carriages wherever we can. Hobson. The sooner the better; for in the meanwhile our liability is frightful. Jobson. I shudder to think of it. That which we have now to meet is but pecuniary. No more than a thousand pounds. Five hundred only for each Company. A couple of mere fleabites. Hobson. Let us double it. Let us make it a thousand each. Our Board, I know, will readily accede to a fair but not at all an extra- vagant poepeenl. Jobson, Oh, yes, and ours too, I have not the slightest doubt. And I’m sure we must all feel we are letting ourselves down lightly for inattention, of whieh the greatest wonder is that it has cost us so small an amount comparatively in d Partners in negli- gence, Hoppy, my boy, we will be sharers in its cost, and unite in setting an example to all Directors who meanly and ungenerously dispute their just liabilities in a Court of Law. [ Chat closes. We will immediately level our carriages to your ra, or pay for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a should be

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Maron 15, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 109

PHRASE-BOOK FOR THE USE OF GENERAL OFFICERS. (With Mr. Punch’s Compliments to Lord Chelmsford.) w learning that an Army has been cut to 0 pieces.— Dear me! You don’t say so! On losing the Baggage- Train of a Diviswn. — ~ Awkward—very! : On receiving an Officer < who has ridden for his life twenty miles through an enemy’s country, carry- ing Despatches.—V ery kind | 1 , Of you indeed! mW accepting an offer to head a 5 Hope. — " I’m afraid you are givin yourself a great deal o sroubie | Regi : In seeing a imenta Camp in Flames.— Odd! Isn’t it ? r a pair of Regimental Colours, re- covered after « desperate struggle.—I’m afraid you must have found them rather heavy ! On learning that a Bevimens is ‘* missing.” — Fellows should talee more care—they should, really ! On finding a position turned.—I call this quite too provoking ! On receiving the news that the troops under his command have nee out-generalled and cut to pieces.—Now, who is responsible for this ? And, lastly—On riding up to three score of Englishmen who have defended themselves for thirteen hours from the night assaults of thousands of victorious and bloodthirsty savages, and who have thus saved an army, if not a colony, from destruction.—Thank you all very much for your very gallant defence!

SCHOOL BOARD AND SCAVENGERS. (Great indignation meeting in the City. recent discussions at the Guildhall, the convene an extraordinary Meeting in opposition to the extrava- gant demands of the London School ward. We have been Savoured with a brief report of the proceedings.) Mr. SHOVELLER took the chair, having previously polished it with his coat-cuff. Mr. Ranpum, a leading Scavenger, moved a Resolution. He expressed ‘‘ hintense surprise and regret at the increasing and op- pressive character laid on to the rates of the City.” He didn’t know exackly what it meant, but what he wanted to know was, what was the good o’ teachin’ r children a lot o’ rubbish as was swept away or shovelled out o’ their ’eads instead o’ being put in ‘em? (*'’ Ear! ’Ear!”) This Meetin’ should tell the School Board folks, as they weren’t the parties to have dust thrown in their eyes! (Applause.) , - . Mr. Ricnuarp Durreien said he hadn’t got no kids—children he meant, not gloves—(great laughter)—as he didn’t wear none—to eddicate, but he was 4 stion |’’)—or blest, if they liked it better—(‘‘’ Har! ’Ear !”’)—if he’adn’t got to pay a fipp’ny rate for them as’ad! (‘‘ Shame! Shame!”) It wasa as couldn’t be contrydicted. A fipp’ny rate was twelve be we Chair ! Chair at He begged parding, he should say twelve shillin’ an’ sixpence per hannum, which it made a differinx to him of just three arf-pints a ! (Shame! Shame!”’) Wos he to be robbed of his beer to eddicate somebody helse’s kids—he begged parding — he meant horfsprings? Never! What he said was, “Down with the School Boards!” He would like to see such rubbish shot here—in this ere ‘all, and there a hend of the ’ole bilin’! (Loud and prolo: a use.) Mr. Heep said he ohn acy 0 last speaker. He wasa Dustman, and of the title. The eddicashun as he ’d ’ad was enough for him, and he didn’t want no more. (‘‘’ Zar! ’Ear!”) He’d been t when he were a boy it a man, wotsumever he might be, was only dust. (*'’ Zar!’ Zar /’’) And so, say what they liked, the best man breathed could be but a dust-man arter all. (‘’ Ear! ’Ear! In consequence of the Scavengers and Dustmen

as ever ’ Ear !” and great cheering.) He was all for sweeping reforms. (“’ Zar !

es . VOL. LXXVI. ’Ear!”) And his cry—tho’ he warn’t allowed now to come out with his “ Dust Oy!” as annsisters ’ad done before him—(‘‘ Shame ! Shame !”)—his cry was, ** No eddicashun for nobody. (*‘’ Ear! ’Ear! *ear !”) and what he added to them as’ad got propputty and wouldn’t was, ‘‘ Down with the dust!” (Loud cheers, amid which the resumed his seat.) _Mr. Busy said he were in the same purfession as Mr. Heer, which | his own name were Bryn, and has binn so since he were born. (Laughter.) He was for the abbulishun 0’ School Boards, and all | come-punkshuall icashun. (“’ Zar! Fang What more gram- | mar could any dustman want to know than ‘I does, you dust, he | dust, and we dust” ? (Great laughter.) He remembered ’earing | at a theayter a cove say “T dust do all as a cove may do, he who dusts | more ain't not nobody.” (Cheers and laughter.) _ Mr. McMupre wi to say as he was a Scaven it a onorable, likewise a h urfession. agin’ eddicashun. (Pr cheering.) to ’im ?—Nuffin. (Great excitement.) He wanted Re- arf measures—he made a great pint of sayin’ ‘‘ No ‘arf measures ! ”—(Cheers)—and Paint to be put off with mere ? egseuses. (‘‘’Ear! 'Ear!’’) What was the good of schools to Scavengers? Didn’t he know enough without that there ? Rather! (‘*’Har!’Ear!”) Couldn't he tell his boys and gals all as ever was useful for them to know? 0’ course he could. hy it was only t’ other day, as he was credibibly informed, as a chap couldn’t be a Sea in Parris, unless he were able to parleywoo ! (Great sensation.) t was the result of eddicashun! (‘'’ Har / i Bar! ’ Ear !”’) r, and considered Wot was |

Ear !"’) Mr. UCKINTOSH followed in the same line. Th upon, imself ’ad been fined five bob for shovellin’ a little mud | down a gully. (Great indignation.) From what he ’eard as to | eddicashun, ’ere an’ helseweres, at ’ome and on the Kontinong, was just this, that them as learned wot put ’em above their stashun was | not no use to no one, i o’ being haimiable an’ useful members 0’ ayy Day | was quite “‘wirchuous wisy ’’—as the sayin’ was—("*’ Zar! ’Ear!”)—and was merely a hupsettin’ the cart all hover the place, makin’ a mess o’ heverythink, and comin’ out strong as—he wern’t afeard to say it—as Discontented Dammy-Gogs ! apap = Cores. Ame which Ben Resolution oa put and carried, and the Meeting separated, after singing thew popu- lar chorus, *‘ Dushoatll, fais vi _ -

THE GHOST OF GEORGE ROBINS. Tats py yee spirit is not yet laid. It still haunts the columns of the Provincial and Colonial Press. As the dark hour is the season for Ghosts, no wonder this spirit should show through the war-cloud now lowering over South Africa, and even draw substance from its shadows. We one of its latest appearances thus chronicled in a Natal paper :— T HORSE SALE, on Saturday, at Eleven O'clock, we shall sell Mr. Pettiroz’s BLACK HORSE “ PRINCE,” stands about Fifteen hands; a handsome, clean-limbed, well-ribbed, strong, enduring, fast, easy, pleasant nag. He would suit a Volunteer on the War Path; has pluck enough to charge a column, and would never be caught if the order was reversed ; be- sides he’s invisible at night, and treads as lightly as a Cock Ostrich before making arush. All round he’s the smartest nag out, and is only sold because his master has no use for him. We fancy he might want something shorter ; however, that ’s his business. This horse has to be sold on Saturday, at Eleven O'clock. Bouncer & Co., Auctioneers.

Quite Low enough. Quorn Finality Bos— Down-hill once a fast goer,— ‘When Jony Butt has got Lower, Why should he go lower ?”

The Disease of Debt. A Patent Medicine Proprietor advertises in a Journal’of some circulation among the poorer classes a specific under the denomina- tion of “Tic Pills.” The best tick-pill will be found to be dealing at Co-operative Stores, where you must pay ready money.

ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ACCOUNT. Wira regard to the operations of General Rosrxrs in the Khost Valley, Punch fears that if their ‘‘ Valley” be doubtful there is no doubt about their Khost.

Srrance Orrictran Mistake ry Groorapny.—To have placed were being put |

Chelmsford in Africa. | “ -

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110 _PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Marcu 15, 1879, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. %, AA — WRT ; YA\ =a ea ree SN x »> & pore LAN ee 2 x Mowoay, March 3 (Lords).—Lord BEACONSFIELD took the House again after his illness, and was warmly congratulated. Chacun d son gout ; and the public—in Parliament, if o_ out of it—has just now le gout du Lord BEACONSFIELD. The new Bankruptcy Bill was read a Second Time. The ex-Chancellors and the Cuancetor talked it over, and a that it goes in the right direction. Punch wishes it went further. Roguish bankrupts would fare worse, and creditors would fare better. (Commons. ge Srarrorp Nortn- COTE, on a plea of more Blue Book forthcoming, staved off for the even- ing the inevitable discussion on the Zulu War, and the conduct —or misconduct —thereof. Mr. AnpErson having introduced the subject, Sir Srarrorp was obliged 4 admit that the “ a since the Session ORDS- wortu’s little family, were seven. He did not would do any yt - 4. - a managers, must find ~~ ey = mmes, if they wanted to Touses. First-fruits of the new rules; the House got into Committee of Su ly on Army Estimates by seven. ; consequence was that most of Colonel STANLEY’s speech was delivered to empty benches. The Government —he told * handful of hearers—had effect a reduction of four thousand men, but, under stances, felt it en reductio ad absurdum. Recruiting had been brisk; so had desertion. It cost the armynearty these thoustind ptm fnew » a8 it would tation in the Daily Dows, in ag oe bility rather over, than under ger ae J Shep- herds have ’ why can’t our wise heads of bod ows { devise one for their black sheep ? not the operation be aed os not a pecial ‘pattern ? ought to be ti the last to object to ce arms.

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Marcu 15, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SAINTS IN THE SHIRES. (A LENT MEET WITH ‘ THE DUKE’S.”) ‘¢] sez your Sister 1s Not HuntTING To-Day.”’ ** No, poor DEAR! SHE HAD ONLY THE PONY TO RIDE, 80 SHE HAS GONE TO CuuRcH!” a to create an Officers’ Reserve—to be tapped at Localisation and Short Service work (see Punch of last week) inevitable. fore | d to South Africa, it had to receive 374 men the 21st, 396 from eight ; the 58th, 197 from nine. This is “elasticity” with a ven- corps be the wonderful thing we are told it is should be, with their combined and concentrated ! But if our cadres be defective, our establishment is in superb order. It took us a men, but we had turned out 17,000 gar- ing in that d ent of eo! tailoring! i épéts, and our linked battalion system Army into a chain—which know is only as asits weakest link. But it is a comfort,to learn that no works ordered that could be shunted, and that the Estimates the quick—without permanent injury, Punch Bie acapentiiorn: at the cut by Cyprus in ome place of arms,” with such a weak it. But at least he was glad to see a liberal the Colonels had had a good talk over in , rather than Colonel Sraniey’s Estimates x ouse was Counted Out again—at the respectable hour of twenty minutes to two. Tuesday st ge ed has drawn a City of Glasgow Bank Bill, to over i ising on liquidation of that precious concern from the to an Arbitrator appointed ad hoc. No wonder the House declined to negotiate a Bill which, on the face of it, looked fishy. The Bill was ostensibly promoted by only two Lord Roszsery said an eighth had approved for two months—for which term ** sine die,” and may be marked ‘‘ No Effects.” Lord Asrneze ha’ ing drawn attention to the prevalence of de- sertion, Lord Bury the Government did not see their way to ae. a ae ‘ “st vty ary Ay - ‘ meant to wai see W. new Tatee = es punishment and vexatious petty ex and ve i of desertion to answer for. CaMBRIDGE said young non-commissioned officers were certainly disposed to be “‘ cheeky,” and old ones were harder and harder to get, in these short service times. The habitual eserters have improved on Lord Carpwett. They have organised a shorter Army service even than his. In answer to Lord Watstnenam, Lord Cransroox tried to lighten with official qo he Bink shadow of famine impending over the Punjaub and ©: . The winter rains had failed, but he hoped —he did not give us any reasons for t consequences would not be serious. it was going to send four thousand tons of grain to Cashmere (it pan ener ins new t0 keep the Cashmerees in as good humour with us as possible). Commons.)—The Government is fring, to give Sir C, Russern a Committee to inquire into the Civil ce Stores. Sir Srar- FoRD was able to assure Mr. Bake, without inquiry, that only one of them, the Civil Service Supply Association, did not pay Income- Tax— as @ provi dent and industrial society—and that all ipt-Tax. much for one and the most ible ievance in the envenomed case of Shops vy. Stores. The mmittee must do good by clearing up misapprehensions. Mr. Treve.yaw brought forward his hardy annual, for eutenting household to counties with the needful redistribution seats. His speech was mainly an effective and amusing descripti ti the business of faggot-vote making, lately so active in Mid- —a ni House that be, with oom singing ‘‘Home, sweet Home!” to irs set by the bigoted t Roman-Catholic Tre Tale ol toe Teme tite The maality Ot te Benne RIP TT EET SRR

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112 _PUNCH, ‘OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Maron 15, 1879, i y i, | Ae? y Ted a fl Vs on ‘ Ky i ag | itll + Dy WZ, TAKING HIM AT HIS WORD. Affable Old Gent (to well-known Civil Servant). ‘‘ Quitt CaRistMAS WEATHER AGAIN, Mr. PappiEs!” Trish Postman, ** Quire so, Sonn! quite so !’’—(Improving the occasion, )— 2’MIMBER THE PosTMAN, Sorr |” [He'd brought it on himself, so he ‘‘ stwmped up” like a “‘ Gintleman.” edetentais was deteriorating, and cute to be ingeovel, was the gem of Lord CLavun’s carcanet of brilliants :— “The day might come when Parliament in its wisdom would'think fit to make some 7. a ‘pererttion stage of England’s downfall, as prophesied by Lord CLavD, this extension of the suffrage would usher in a new de arture for England on the way of good government. t is a comfort to have the two sides of the shield painted for one in this fine bold fashion. Sir W. Barre or put forward the bluff county Joun Butt yiew very roundly. A man might be anything but a blackguard, yet be as unfit to have the franchise as the biggest blackguard. (Quite true, Sir WaLreR.) No man uld have a vote who did not pay direct ane. (ery much inclined to agree with you, Sir ging hat right had men to a vote who would the i for the education of their children? (If ir WALTER, but it’s not so easy out of 10s. a ) Making faggot votes!—pooh!—that was an old bee and had always been carried on, by Whigs and Tories. (Not a doubt of it, Sir Warrer.) Mr. Parwnext retorted by a fiery protest against Lord Ciavp’s calumniation of the Inmsh people as bigots. Didn’t stand there in Sibrect ax 1 Irish Protestant sitting for an Irish n-Catholic constituency ? (Mr. Pannett forgets that this may be ‘‘ not because they love C — less, but because they love Obstruc- tives more.’ Mr. foes turned out the less brilliant side of the shield, and with a vehemence of protest, delivered in a tone of intense conviction, which kept his own side silent, but roused a storm of cheers from the opposite Benches, set forth the lamentable deterioration of constituencies under an unbridled democracy. (The Right-Hon. Ropert should know, having tried to sit one, and become familiar with its paces in Australia.) Once begin lowering, and we must on lowering, till we have got to the bottom ; and who knows, if ‘‘in the depth of our deep,” there may not be “ta lower depth still.” Why Government should not have moved the previous question, he could not understand, or on what principle they had saddled their Amendment with “at the present time.” Deterioration was deterioration ; and no time could be the right time for that, (But sup the County Clod enfranchised by the same great mob-tamer who enfranchised the Town-Cad.) @Mr. Birennennasser felt the distinction of county and borough franchise could not be maintained ; but the assi- milation should be accompanied with a provision to pre- vent the swamping of minorities. That was the key of the position. (Brayo, BieyneRuasset! Spoken like a sensible man, not like an Irishman.) Mr. Courtney, as usual, talked reason in the rate a of his —a tongue not ee of party peo and have to put up, as usual, with ak of sr erotohetigons. ” But he hit straight and hit hard. They would have to make this concession, Let them make it so as to get all the good, and strain out the extension of the county franchise; but he trusted that day was far distant. They had | bad, to-day a distinct duty to perform—a duty from which he hoped no Hon. Member would shrink from a misapprehension of the true nature of this proposition.” Certainly Lord Ciacp has not shrunk from such misapprehension. “It was a proposal designed to subvert the whole fabric of our Constitution, and to trample under foot the glorious traditions of the British House of Commons. (Cheers.) He begged to move, ‘That this House is of opinion that it is inexpedient to re-open the question of P arliamentary Reform at the present time.’ ’’—— En attendant— Punch presumes—the time when Parliament ‘‘in its wisdom ” may see fit to set about the work of subversion and trampling under foot. Sir C. L EGARD seconded Lord Ciavp, but ‘ with bated breath and whispering humbleness ” in comparison with this tiery scion of the House of Abercorn. Mr. Osborne Moreay laid down the revolutionary doctrine that ‘‘ nothing | could be politic which was not just,”—and that it was not safe or comfortable to sit down on an inclined plane. (All depends on the inclination, Mr. Morean. Some people like it—see the —— - Russe-sliders, and the patrons of “ tar- boggin”’ in Canada, and small boys in a timber-yard.) Mr. WmeeLHovuse decanted his budget of cons., in the first of a series of see-saw speeches, by Mr. Cotman (pro) and Mr. Exxzor (con. } and Messrs. BristowE and WappY (pro) and Mr. L&tenton (con.). The latter has dis- covered that Mr. TrREvELYAn’s Reform ” Bill would disfranchise all the — votes—first the forty- freeholders and yeomen (once ‘‘their country’ pride’’), then the farmers, and lastly the agricultural labourers themselves. one triumphant ~ left “‘ to ride the whirlwind and direct the storm ”’ would be the wire-puller! Mr. Leatrnam did not see the deterior:tion in the House which had so struck Lord Craup (“‘ Without and within,’ nte Lord Criaup— reflecting apparently on Honourable Members’ tailors ; s well as their talk). He congratu- lated Mr. Goscmen that there would be just :oom for him to stand alongside of Mr. Lows in that Right Honoursble Gentleman’ 8 grotto, Instead of the wat The House, he thought, had deteriorated—mainly from popularity-hunting and dependence on the masses. It mae tending to mediocrity, ‘ _Serunboorsey, and ~y 5 y”—that is, as Mr, P, is glad to a, benefit of the ladies, ** old bufferism dot 3 ric —and would sink deeper and deeper into the “foun, if not pulled out by the “ ene yote,” which would secure representation to all, and then, \ every class of thinkers being tay 3 a in the Hous, without extinguishing independence, you might reconcile the gro ie ~ A lemocracy with the maintenance of indivi- (V ea bel put, indeed, Mr, Covrtwxy. There is more common sense in such “crotchets” than is covered by other gentlemen’s coats of arms—party-per-pale.) The Cuancettor of the Exchequer and the Marquis of Hantryeton summed up the pros and the cons of the debate very much as men m Pog be expected to do, the one of whom was opposing Motion as if he might one day have to move it, and the other supporting th Motion as if he only wished he was free to oppose it. Neither leader’s heart, in fact, was in his work. The Division was 291 to 226, the CHANCELLOR of the ExcuEqueEr, having accepted ted Mr. Lowz’s t, and left out ‘‘at the present time.’’ So the sentence stands without limit, to lod the more foolish when the _ comes, " ones by a the voting pale, architecture of the British Constitution: Is it not seecguined as the most stable of all structural forms ?

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~ Mancw 15, 1879.] PUNCH, OR

THE LONDON CHARIVARL

Wednesday.—“ John Anderson, my Jo, John!” already a favourite with the married women of Scotland, ought | to be more of a favourite than ever now he has got his sill read a Second Time for putting their right to their ain bawbees—earned or inherited—on the level of their English sister’s. Think of its ever having been less! Could the Seotch men for once have stolen a march on the Scottish matrons? But Mr. AnpExson has put all that right, arid then, so unprecedentedly rapid had been the dispatch of business that nobody was ready with any- thing, and the House had to rise—to the popular air of ‘* We've Got no Work to Do,”—at Twenty Minutes after One. For what it may have escaped we trust that it is truly thankful. Thursday.—The Lords, that continuous brake-power in British politics, are nat y interested in their Railway yey ; and the country will be glad to hear that Lord Saxpow has a Bill to deal with this and other Railway desiderata in the course of the Session. (Commons.) — Sir Trevor Lawnence backed up the demand of the Kew Pater-, or rather Mater-familias that the Botanical should be opened at ten eve morning for the ex of the Kew nursemaids an their little char; First Commissioner put in the counter-plea of Dr, Hooxer, backed by five hundred of our first scientific authorities, that to do this would be incompatible with the use now made of the Gardens for ockeaiene study, with no counterbalance of good to the public, Mr. Fawcett took the side of the Kew residents against his brother Professors. But Prayrarr played fair, and stood by his Order. Mr. Punch feels bound to prefer the Kew Gardens to the Kew Nursery-grounds. To the best of Mr. P.’s judgment, Science has it hollow against Paterfamilias, who does not always mind his P’s and Q’s when he is urging a theory he set his heart on. ; . O'SHAUGHNESSY rose to complain of the limitation of Irish Officials with a seat in-the House, to one. Ireland wanted Irish Offices in something like proportion to Irish Members. Mr. LowTHeERr didn’t see it. If Ireland had more of the Augean stable than the Lowther Arcadia about it, he would take care that all that was needful was done in the way of “‘ mucking it out;” but he flattered him- self he was enough for that. Messrs. O’Connok Powrr, WELDON, Major Noway, PARNELL, and SuLLIvaN were for once unanimous in the great National Cause of Irish Offices for the Irish. : Then the House got to the Supplementary Civil Service istimates. Friday (Lords).—The Duke of Ricumonp brought in his Bill tor the constitution of new ‘“‘ conserving ” Boards, to supersede the existing ones, which, on the * a non lucendo principle, seem to be at present too often called ‘* conservators’ from not “‘ conserving’’ the rivers within their jurisdiction. It is easier to appoint such Boards than to get them towork. The Duke’s Bill, if it does not do much to improve our rivers, will, at least, improve the highways of a certain place, ‘‘ whose pavement is of good intentions made.” (Commons.) — A fierce fight over a proposed sewage farm at Staines; and that stain, at least, averted from the district by 168 to 146. The Ladies’ Battle, just now so successful on Saturday afternoons at the Court, was less successful on Friday night in the Commons. Mr. Courtney was leading man for the Ladies; Sir H. James (the most gallant of men) against them. He had the hardihood to declare that a woman’s only profession was marriage. That is not a profession, Sir Henry; itis a peiermence, and a very serious one, in many cases, It may be all very weil for Mr. SuLttvan to look forward te the enfranchised of Home Rule preferable to the status quo; but it is to be feared that most of the present Lords of Creation shrink from a House of, or by, Ladies, and would prefer to go along with Messrs. Bexesrorp Hors, Forster, Newpeeate, Rarxes, Hansvny, Heyearer, and the rest, who Pag down—no, they couldn’t do that—who threw out Mr. CournzNEy’s pepuation bY 217 to 103. ‘‘ E pur se muove’’—Woman’s battle, om’s, as men— especially married men—have reason to know, ‘‘ Though baffled oft, is always won!

female without terror. He has come to think any form | Tw

7ARRY ON NIGGERS. tT. Dear CHARLIE, Jest bac from theDocks. You remember ne Teppy ‘AREW ? He’s off with the 17th Lancers to kibosh the fes- | old spree— ~ Which the way > the B. P.-has stood treat to them’ chaps wos a caution to see. Comin’ ’ome I *ob-nob’d with a bloke, bloom- ing ree spouter = ess 1 Thou h you 3 couldn’t — ha’ told from his — nor yet m the cut i : of his dress ; But he riled me that raw with his rot about ‘‘ rabid revenge’’ and ‘‘ bad blood,” That to blow off the steam in your ear will, I feel, do me Tallons of good. What has come to some sneaks in this country J carn’t understand, not a mite ; Wy, theyll talk any treacle to choke our brave chaps off a jolly good fight ; They all go off their chumps like a shot at a ’int of the pullin’ o’ triggers, And whenever it’s Us wersus Darkies, seems always dead nuts on the Niggers. e 4 sa ee

Now my notion is, Niggers are Warmint—that ’s putting it plain, and no kid; And to talk of their rights and their wrongs is all bosh ;—let ’em do as they ’re bid ; That’s their line, mate, and if they won’t toe it, but put up their ugly bare acks, Wy a <a aa like fun, jest to show ’em the whites won’t stand sarce from the ACKS. That’s reason, and some as should know seem to think it religious as well. But sez Methody, ‘“‘ Bah! ’tis as bad as the Savage’s bloodthirsty yell ! ‘* Being merely a civilised wersion, put into articulate speech, “* Of the wie of the murderous Chocktaw, who wents his blind rage in a screech. Well, that gave me the needle, dear boy, and I hups and I arnsers him hot I tells him ’ twas doosed un-English, not patriot form by a lot. But he looks at me cool, and sez he, *‘ Ah! sech civilised samples as you May perhaps be ex for their ’urry to wipe out the savage Zulu.”

Wot he meant I dunno. I should like to ha’ landed him one for his nob, But I don’t care for making a start without seeing my ef through the job. Only snivel like that does disgust me. Wot good’s British bottom and grit, If when the dashed Niggers hinsult us we carn’t bang the beggars a bit ¢ He sez, ‘‘ If brave fellows get licked, they all long for another fair shy ; But the howl for red ven ce ain’t Christian: eurs only will join in that ery. Werry fine between ekals, no doubt; but with Darkies !—Well, there, I won’ swear ; But when muffs spout such bunkum as that, tain’t so easy to keep on yer hair. No, larrup’s the only safe law when you’re dealing with Niggers, old man ; Injuns, Afghans, or Kaffirs, all’s one; for a Black is good only to tan. ig the joke? Made it only last night in a toast at our Sing-Song, old Pal And I tell ye the roar was as loud as when Jolly Mug gags to the Gal. That tanning is good for black hides, I ’ave not the least mossel of doubt ; ’Cos why, they ’re like mokes, as want wallop, carn’t be kep hunder without Nigs is jest like Je —fags, nothin’ more, made to fetch, and to carry ; And if they will kick up their ’eels, give ’em toko! ours, bloomingly, "ARkY.

Very Dirrerent Tarnes Sometrues,—Justice’s seales and Chief J ustices’, |

Raita ea Ne

bil ay

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“PUNCH, ‘OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. eT my rey ~— ~? or Maeva tm EPISODE ind spt IN HIGH LIFE. (From Our Jeames’s Sketch-book.) The Lady Kerosine de Colza. TO GO DOWN TO DINNER WITH You.” Dr. Blenkinsop (an eminent Physician, much pleased). Lady Kerosine. “On no! ‘*You FLATTER ME, I’m surnE, Lapy Kerosine!”’ Ir’s 80 NICE TO SIT BY SomEnopY WHO CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO Eat, Drink, AND AVoID, You KNow !” (Marcu 15, 1879, ‘*I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW PLEASED I Am TO MEET You HERE, Dr. BLENKINSOP, AND ESPECIALLY SAVINGS IN PROSPECT. Wira the greatest possible difficulty the Militia has hitherto managed to pick up, and keep u "Pi the rudiments of drill in twenty- | seven days’ annual training. his year, for economical motives, | the time thus expensively iaclen by this branch of our Reserve Force in learning its mili usiness 1s to be reduced by one week. As the penny-wise principle has been applied in this case, it ought yore to be carried further. Mr. Punch would humbly suggest | that In future, on Her Majesty’s Ships of War arriving in harbour, | the pay of Chief Engineers and navigating Lieutenants should be | steppe That Iron-clads, during the summer months, should carry sad coals, and in winter — send their sails into store. That the Royal Horse Artillery should cease to be a ieaeeals force, and return at least half their guns to Woolwich. That private soldiers of the Line should carry either a rifle or a | bayonet. The extra arms thus placed at the disposition of the | Authorities, to be returned to the ower. That the brigade of Guards should be decreased by half its rank | _—- file, and the number of its commissioned officers considerably | ented. | “Phat considerable saving should be effected in the expenditure on tar in Her Majesty’s Dockyards. That seabbards without Sound should be served out to the Cavalry | for the future, till or are ordered on active service And lastly, that the great ex of Naval and Military Audit | should be reduced by the ition of the department "hi charged with that troublesome branch of the ny service. = | when, we may days of Evolution, we of the Men” ? How to super Maw og Manacer.—By the Company he keeps. LENT AND LIGHT. To the faithful, Lord Cardinal Mannine has sent The Church’s instructions how to keep Lent. How on Monday and Tuesday an “gs we a eat, On Wednesday some butter or lard as . treat How on Thursday a small we of wm be tried ; But on Friday no noth a Se or fried On Saturdays cheese wit. L. cee (both cut thin), While fiesh-meat on Sundays don’t count as a sin. Will the t Lord Cardinal kindly make known On what day, if any, our souls are our own ; On what days we may ride, and on what days may walk ; On what days hold our peace, and on what lays may talk ; On what days it is lawful our noses to blow On what days to shave On what days, if an the nails may be pared, And on what days e Church allows shirts to be aired ? Als, would the great Cardinal put y iow doubt, pose nations are babies, if babes don’t shoot out, W 2 wh Eng And nonsense from sense mayn’t be taken to know ? Turn and Turn About. ave a Monkey lesbur tag on * An land long clothes did not cor since outgrow, not unreasonably hope in these Darwini: beards, and on what let them grow ; PROFESSOR McALISTER has lately been lecturing before the Royal therto | Dublin Society on ‘* The Ancestry of the Monkeys.” We are glad to learn that there was a large attendance. But what will there be, ii

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: Sg ahem » en Tae c ie Me aR 9 ms mei Sy PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Marce 15, 1879. ' ' FINE ARES iIl| an Ne / } 1 \| | j / Mohd / AA rT j / y Ww) ————————— wn & CC CAD AND CLOD. Mr. Poncn. “* WELL, MY LORD, YOU EDUCATED YOUR ‘PARTY’ UP TO THAT! DON’T YOU THINK YOU MIGHT EDUCATE ’EM UP TO THIS!!!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

117

| THE SMOCK-FROCK AND THE SUFFRAGE. HAWFINCH sings— ozus MAYPOLE ’a M works on Squire Saunpers’s farm. Some larnun’ praps oodn’t done Mozvus no m. ’A was sent to play scare- crow instead o’ to school, And bred up as a plough- boy, like any born fool. As I wusa gwaiun ’cross Dumbledore Down, I mates that there moddle of a true country clown, A shoulder’ n his whip asin | . ’s smock-frock a’ strode, *Longzide of a cart in the midst of the road. B ‘ How be, Mozus?” I sez to’m, ‘ Young Mozvs, how be?” Mate,” Mospe x made answer to me. ws?” h ** Most news is so sad,” “% on “tis pat’ s the laist bad.

“Watt 8 the Calle dba fs th Od # House ha’ throw’d out, ‘Cane the in’t epic Be raiichise, they says, to the Lout.” ** The F ozve, at sea all alloat— * Ah! ion ryt sez I, “for to gie thee a vote. a Hee { we a mete is this here : hy bot one is bi ain on ‘or be ora quart eta & r n'a an: They as wae go rine fir gies at should ha’n.’ ** A fine feller thee’dst , then,” seg * fob All the good as thee’dst a % + fs goo etn th thy droat. But if voters their Tasons wus al There ’d be lots wi’ no better, if a wus than thine: “* Tf they only was ’franchised as know’d who was fit, And ’ood honestly vote for the men as should sit, Wot a small and select band the voters ’ood be ! As it is, there’s few, Mozus, much fitter nor thee. ‘* But thee now for the franchise wi’ patience must ’bide, Till the Tories be fain to outbid t’other side, And enfranchise when Party’s occaaishion shall call, Roughs, cads, tag-rag, bobtail, clod- noppers, and all.”

OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. At the Adelphi to see the new Rowe-mantic Melodrama, Mr. Crvm Rowr—I beg his pardon, I should say Mr, SaviLe Row—has divorced himself from his partner, Mr. Borrow Rowe, and taken unto himself, as collaborateur, a Mr. E, Manue, of which union the first result has been this Crimson Cross, at the Adelphi. What the division of work may have been is uncertain, but I fancy that Mr. Rowe did the thinking labour, and the other author the manuel labour. After the First Act a well-informed friend told me the play was written in blank verse. Had I then been listening to blank verse for nearly an hour without perceiving it ? Indeed, | had. Bless me, how remarkably stupid of me not to have noticed it! I promised my friend that I would look out for it in the Second Act, with 4 view to selecting something valuable out of the Romantic—or Rowe- Manuelticdrama. The pearls may have been thrown broadcast be- fore the swine in the auditorium—quorum pars parva fs i ; but, as to the lines that fell, in pleasant P gee right under my very snout, I own they seemed to me to be mostly blank, and not prize, verses, Before describing the piece to the best of my playbillity, I will venture to say that I have never seen Miss Neixson appearing to ter advantage than in the part of Isabel, Queen of Bavaria. ere personal attractions to be relied on for success, then that of | ain this drama would be assured a of ee present heroine, to whom | is the Authors might raise a eilson Column ”—in some theatrical journal—in token of their gratitude for her seryices. The cast is an exceptionally strong one, consisting of Messrs. FLocxron, HERMANN VEZIN, Fones- ROBERTSON, ASHLEY, Pateman, and Henry NEVILLE, who, one and all, fight their very best in a weak cause.

fortunately, from first to last, they have but ‘‘ chronicled small beer.” The First Chronicle is an Evening Chronicle, the Second is a Morning i Chronicle, early edition, and so on. Acting on this hint, Messrs. Rowe and partner ht divide their next pla into Tele- phs,—Telegraph the First ition), Telegraph t nd, &c., finishing with ee ae Beene, using the full extent of the stage, and exhausting the resources of the establishment, in a bird eye vi e view of the Largest Circulation in the World ! TT eqeaery, by Mr. Juxtran Hicks, is the best he

mut to done a7 per from Gut aa i 8 designs, ae effective. — ATTI, the Lessees, have spared Be bale either before 7. the ‘curtain, and seem etermined to e to = aaits Se hk they undertake to do, shall be ughout. If it does not dra i only ~4 ee evidence that no matter h mgthens existing eviden i Be cctors, ro beau $ w magnificent the goes li piece itself does not Hine, ol “Tn this some good materials and some ye or misused, but, at WE _ be full of Sen posi Gatti- *® 2 G aie bo to ikl io oak 4 tt, h it new Ga gun is ely e oa i er, Sa oy vad charge of blank (verse) cartri en ae THE Piraste- ‘alf-pint Ni ‘1L.—Exte- : ‘oRBES-RopERTSON, Bede i eal pe a ovate 4 es » who returns as good as he gives, one struggle, song le, and en sly. tchless Kostas lier, bat "of oor, e- Sixt, i eave, oving, u , nusging, conood li te — Fn im phat ltlesa love!” — gm op ties * per 4 and she in 4 and short the — “ passion ” or -_~ tho YY haps the ve objected. The i ,. innocently bolt ; y guilty pai on a ed to the Queen,” says d, indeed, ¢ m to Hug-any one, even end. nee if he woul only offer. Then enters Mr. Vezin rough So whose name sounds like “‘ D’Almanack”’), followed 7 Mr, FLockTon, as, apparently, w 4 is accompanied by a fai Mr. Invine in Louis the Eleventh ul Ballet of four, in parti- -coloured ti so Forses-Rosertson, the Chevalier, is arrested, because, as Mr. FLockton justly remarks, all in one word, “ he is minenemy.” Mr. Frocxton’s entertainment finished, he and D’ Almanack retire, accompanied by the aforesaid faithful Ballet. Smaxu Beer Cunonicriz, No. 1.—Second Half-pint,—The Queen's Oratory. A few sacred subjects on the tapestry, otherwise not much of an oratory, except perhaps for the presence of five alms- basons over the mantelpiece. Enter Mr. Nevitixe (Perrinet the Armourer). He canessle bizapotl. Enter Pao. She discovers Per- rinet, who has come to see her Maid of H “eee. Jacqueline (Miss CompPron), a tall and clogest, 7 young lady. Queen makes Perrinet Governor of So’ didn’t catch what—and he pn devoted loyalty. Enter D’ Almanack with another division of the faithful Ballet—it ’s <4 a travelling company—and is very rude to the Queen, specially considering they are in an oratory. But he has evidently par wre: Ca the meaning of the word, and thinks the Queen’s ‘ Oratory” a place for displaying his o wn, He remarks, sneeringly, accustomed to oon heb HE which is apparently his reason for arresting the Queen. “* Weep not!” says gy | 44 queline, who is standing yay then inquires, ‘* Who will ms me on ‘“*1 will,” says Mr. Neviite, revels jowing from his ambush —perhaps in blank verse—to Jac- the € Canis in the Critic, and bebind the tapestry, after f departure of D Almanack and ad his fai faithful Ballet. 5 a ors undertakes to save—I e— Boisre “Tf I fail,—I fail!”, is ‘the ve iginal remark 4 Perrinet getting out of the window just y no 2 Ames and his faithful et return. Off uw nd we come to the end of the Second Half- go re ayy Small no Chronicle. Smartt Beer Curonicre, No. 2.—Old Paris. Ballet of Young Paris, by Mister Antes. "t ont, pag meee no person,” says | ae P, e Pi 8, sin't i 0 ch his __ the bill hs Stage- ra Enter Me. Asuzar a0 ea, old ep byl ym ‘aw sayi Pretty souls! ” ee the Pink Dominoes. He tae seems & wal oF iis ehadlibat ot peacigt. Tho wit of Old Paris whether in blank verse or not--1s not parti , and Mr. Pareman, as

The Drama is divided into ‘‘ Chronicles” instead of Acts. Un- | Miss J cularly the Low Comedian, has has a bed tame sin butt ty alionss tiie 6 wasn

ECKS comes out really strong as. a student of Old Paris, and

~ aa

‘fet ee

us

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. {Marcu 15, 1879. AN) auth Wik AN Mr | " ee ;.. = sea “ SHOUTHER TO SHOUTHER!” Obstinate Juryman (Licensed Victualler). ‘**‘ WHat! Aw’L.L sEe YE A’ STARVED FIRsT ! Nicut, AND A’ NIicHTs WHILEs!” Gre A VARDICT AGYEN Mr, McLvusny ? wel aS 8 ot ' com Gj | Sa Nor IF AW siT HERE A’ Nioat! HeE’s ONE 0’ THE FINEST GEN’LEMEN 1’ THE TOON, AN’ COMES TO MA BILLIARD-TABLE EVERY does keep the game alive. In fact, were it not for her and Miss | Covenry—after whose entrance every one expects to see the Voxeses—Old Paris would be the very dullest place possible. There is a mild row between students,—who give a very poor support to their spirited leader, Miss Jecxs,—and some soldiers, after which Mr. Pareman wanders in his mind about “‘ roast goose.” Perhaps he is talking blank verse; nobody knows, nobody cares. Perrinet guards the Netdon. Up comes somebody, whose name is Martin—what Martin is not clear, whether Luther or Chuzzlewit— who appears for this occasion only, and offers to do something. | Disappearance of Martin (Luther or Offer accepted by Perrinet. Chuzzlewit). D’ Almanack appears. Perrinet is punished with eight whacks on the back with the flat of a sword, and vows vengeance. Jacque- line enters, dressed as a page in tights—why, I cannot make out, but, I suppose, because she likes it—and, on parti him ‘* Lion-hearted,” very much after the style of Mr. Crummiles when he bade farewell to Nicholas Nickleby, ‘‘ Good-bye, my noble, my lion-hearted boy! Adieu!” Enter Mr. Forses-Rosertson from torture. Released by Perrinet, | who disappears, he stupidly stops to fight with D’ Almanack, who | kills him, and so whatever interest the plot may have had up to this int, seems now to have entirely disap with the unhappy ate of poor Boisredon, the guileless lover of the Matchless Ecstasy. End of Second Pint of the 8. B. Chronicles. Smatt Beer Coronicie No. 3. Frest Hatr-Prxrt.— The Queen’s Tent. Enter Queen, accompanied by faithful Ballet, Second Line Division. The Matchless Ecstasy, speaking of her husband, observes kindly, “ Zhe very walls mock at him while calling for his Squeen !” Enter smapety, whom the Matchless one styles “a creechur of the Constable.” Here I should say that the individual I have hitherto called Almanack is Count d’ Ar (so I wasn’t so far out), Constable of France. The second title of the piece ought to be Outrunning the Constable. The Creechur says what is set down for him, and exit. with Perrinet, calls | Enter Hugonnet—who, as far as the metal buttons go, looks far more like a Policeman of France than the Constable himself—and has a scene, in blank verse, I think, with the Queen. Then D’ Almanack has a scene with her, and, getting into diffi- culties, observes, blank-versely aside, “Will she dare slay me? She dare do anything!” which is dreadful to contemplate, even in | the case of a Matchless Ecstasy, when she once gets the chance of | striking on something more than her own matchless box. Mr. Vezin (D’ Almanack) tells her that Boisredon (who is really dead) is “* suffering) nightmares in barrels’’—at least that was all I could take down, at haphazard, without being a proficient in shorthand ; }and then the Queen, after a great deal of talk, signsa paper. Exit Veztn with the truly poetic and thoroughly original observation, ** Farewell, proud Queen! but we shall meet —_ !”—a line which, | of course, ought to make the fortune of any p Then arrives Perrinet. He explains—like |—all a mistake—crimson cross—Martin Ch wit, or Luther— bleeding body—in the Seine.” Queen asks him what will he do now? Perrinet calls Miss Compton “‘ Little one! ”’—she is five feet ten, if an inch—and promises to open the gates of Paris. Seconp Hatr-Povt or CHronicte.— Gates of Paris. Enter | Constable D’Almanack and the faithful Ballet,—like four Mrs. | Micawbers who “‘ never will desert Micawber,”—and reads a pro- one, which, except for economy's e, one would ve | thought the Constable of France could have paid a herald, or some official to do for him. All retire for the night. Poor old ‘‘ Pretty- | Souls” is arrested on suspicion, and the Low Comedian (Mr. PaTE- MAN) is placed in charge of the gate-house, by order of the Constable D’ Almanack, who evidently has not got the slightest sense of humour. , one might as well place the Clown in charge of a Fishmonger’s shop, and expect ‘‘ business to be carried on as usual,” Perrinet having heard the Low Comedian maundering in the previous Act about ‘‘ roast goose,” is suddenly seized with the idea of a practical joke, which consists of setting to the gate-house, and roasting that poor goose of a Low Comedian, who is locked in Tin le—‘‘ very sorry

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Maron 15, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 119

j | ) jf “COUVERT DE GLOIRE ET DE ms |) 7\ FARINE.” y yi == iy Votrairn, of Le Roi de Prusse. " Ss SN \ YF “So the whole night through, this heroic | ) handful kept the Zula thousands at bay, their | Mi o onl = one of meal bags hastily piled up.’ | Fos te OC Roke De 8 Description of the i she wee in fear-proof, | Passed his first battle’ 5 hour, ’Neath a mill’s sheltering roof, Behind the sacks of flour. How he won ¢ there “* Every school-boy ” knows, And urd the flour tald where— Whi the royal clothes. With keen shot and sharp steel In a few hands of Fn breed, hind their bags of meal— R , Bromueap and Cuarp to lead—

Yi Al , Those lads o’ the Twenty-Fourth i l Who beat back the Zulu, { , Covered, like Frrrz, come forth 1 With meal and glory too! | ' “al i (7 ! \) ye Phenomenal Power of Digestion.

enti i, WE used often to see tremendous achieve- ue rk i) ments in the way of eating announced in With by sii ~ ae | the good, old days under the stereotyped 1 si py: : ; va head ve Disgusting Feat.” But whi {li j - Tillie ' fom — aster sith te —— Ne ‘jp whi come off —o ill | ES = four volumes of Rports| This fot feat, A vi) 1G: ey ir which has taken yh ny to accom My y Sug has han toes been performed by by the Comei of > — = Reporting Bociety. No wonder ae SS — = they proolaiae it with pride!

——— —_———— AED == : ‘ote —— == = Latest Crisis in France. -. + ame Minister of the interior, n forced to resign, owing to a A DISENCHANTMENT. cult cheat E. Gieor, Prefect of Police. No Very Unsophisticated Old Lady (from the extremely remote country). ‘‘ DgArR me! He’s a | won panes ay supposed there might be some VERY DIFFERENT-LOOKING PERSON FROM WHAT I HAD ALWAYS IMAGINED!” tween giget and Grivy

on the first floor. Nosooner said than done. Gates of Paris opened. | speech, which he gives efletively, and so wins the blank-verse Enter Burgundians and the Matchless Ecstasy on horseback, while | honours of the evening. Then Old Seventeenth asks the Matchless the poor Low Comedian is being roasted. Funny situation, and | Ecstasy a conundrum, which she on to the Constable, say- audience in great good humour under the impression that they are | ing, “* Arshk D’ Almanack !” and then follows a sort of serious seeing the last the Low Comedian. But no such luck. | charade, that might be played in a Lunatic Asylum, by three of Perrinet rescues the Low Comedian, whose goose is very nearly | the Fa a patients in costume. cooked by this time, and the curtain falls on the Second Half-pint | has suffered much, but when he fancies that the Queen of the Third Small Beer Chronicle. has spokes slightingly of him as a ‘ hecatomb ”—a similar case to Smatt Beer Curonicre, No. 4, 1x One Prt Onty.—Interior of | — O’ConNELL g the oo SaaS wail He The House of Refuge, whatever this may mean. Here Mr. Fiock- | [oe grin won’t put up with it va > he ¢ anget . h e in ° TON, in a very limp state,—like a Guy on the Fifth of November —|® ei Constable to kill her, if he does ki i “y ¢ os hin, is brought in by D ‘Almanack, and placed in a chair before the fire. | ‘and be ions by telling him by A. 7 4 ! she pm Constable D’ Almanack talks blank verse to him, but Mr. Fiocx- | 2” the be 8 Beany, weerempen be e i niet, FF pec > nem, | ; 1s turns a deaf ear to it, and goes to sleep—which, under the for the occasion Osrick’s in Hamlet to the King! there! ces, is really very natural. | falls back on a chair :-— The “Creechur” appears, The Low Comedian is brought on | a once was a Regal French Fogey, again to “lead a van,’—perhaps Picxrorn’s. The old Kin sil | e oe at Co eentin < Ee pretends to sleep before the fire—and wisely—as everybody will come Rantaaeantd and talk blank verse to him. Enter the Matchless Ecstasy. She | And frightened this wicked old Fogey. puts her head into a stream of lime-light, but nobody cares. Then she goes and gives the poor suffering old King another dose of blank | Then the Burgundians enter in full force. Old Srentent verse—but no amount of this will rouse him, for all this time the | sneaks into a + commer, and gives up, not the Ghost, but the Constable crafty monarch is meditating a deep revenge. He is composing a | who, at the hands of Perrinet, aa 7 the fate of by oes irreligious tenle-cones speech. His chance is — , he knows it, and, when it | petty i is taken b y the pit. and flun, does come, he will give it them all round ot and strong,—and long. Then, the Beer being. hy & happ errinel errinet More lime-light struggle for effect. Return of the Constable | ag tre five feet ten “ Little One, wand th the Matchless D’ Almanack wounded. More blank verse in the King’s ear. At | | is nee 3 true to Old Seventeenth, her lawful last Mr. Fiocxron, feeble though he be as Lowis-Charles-the-Seven- | forgetful of poor — edon, who came to grief in the teenth—(a total arrived at, by adding Louis Eleven to Charles Siz) Checabdin anh so having nothing more to tell, I am, as usual, —can wes it, or Fae it, no longer. He won’t have it: the bruised | Your REPRESENTATIVE, worm, b ed by b lank verse, turns at last ; and then he goes in for his speech, oe he has bven pre aring ‘all the time—the artful old boy !—and ‘“‘ gives it ’em a jell un.” It is a really powerful Rackets ow THe Stock Excuanex.—For the game of French Fives.

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120 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Marcu 15, 1879, HOSPITALS AND HOMES. home. first-rate gery, a very one no pital. hospital “Home Hospital.” its originators have got themselves incorporated and registered as_ Home Hospital Association for Paying Patients.” for nothing more than value received, prime cost. ciation are to draw no dividends whatever from its revennes. prietary Company “limited,” it is strictly a benevolent Union. But the ry y “hi oF prs subscription see its First Annual Report just published by Hagnisow a¥p Sons, St. Martin’s Lane. In attempting to cross a London street you are likely to get run oyer and dom have your leg broken, or worse. There is then no place like a hospital for you. ) You want the | best of treatment, but may be unable to afford it, and yet not so | But you may object to being taken to a common hospital. | be a proper object of charity. The Home Hospital for Payin | designed to give you the treatment you want at a moderate fart nominate your speak, the same assistance, instead of reader ; you pay your money, and can take your choice. BIGGAR’S FENIANISM AND FAITH. THe newspapers, Mr. Biccar, M.P., report a discourse delivered by yourself, Sir, to a meeting of Irishmen in Bermondsey the other Sunday evening, on ‘‘ The Future of the Irish Race.” In your idea it seems the Irish race is less a matter of country than of creed. “ By the ‘ Irish Race’ Mr. BroGar said he meant to include all Irishmen of the Roman-Catholic faith wherever they were to be found. Protestants he did not consider frishmen at all. They were merely West Britons, who had by accident been born in Ireland ; and from his own experience he could say they were the bitterest enemies of Ireland. He rejoiced that Irishmen had clung to their faith.” You cling to your own then, Mr. Bregar, of course. Accordingly, as an Irishman and therefore a Catholic, you proceeded to eulogise Fenianism and Physical Force, on this wise—after your wisdom :— “Now he, Mr. BroGar, would not say whether he himself was a Fenian, but if any one called him a Fenian he would answer that he did not count | that any disgrace. Physical force was the one thing for which the English | governing classes cared. paoy eared nothing for justice, they cared nothing | 0 for reason, they cared nothing for the rights of the people, Irish or English They were moved only by their fears. He did not mean their fears for their personal safety... . But it was possible—he would not say probable—that some fine day the democracy would break loose, that the London warehouses and Manchester factories would be reduced to ashes, and the shipping in the Thames and the Mersey set on fire; and that was an outlook which the English governing classes did not like. At present the English democracy was entirely unrepresented in the House of Commons.”’ Entirely, Mr. Brecar? Surely not quite so. Ready, as you describe it, for riot and arson, is not the English democracy repre- sented in some measure at least, by one Irish Member ? The Fenians are all Irishmen; therefore, by your account, all Catholics. But what does your Holy Father, the Porr, say to your Fenians? Does he own them for a Catholic confraternity, or con- | demn them as a secret wast? Do you suppose that His Holiness would have approved of the following recommendation of democracy and Fenianism combined, if he had heard you utter it ?— “He’’—that is, you—“ urged all Irishmen to unite in some organisa- tion—he did not care which—and raake as much display of physical force as possible. They might be few in numbers, but when they remembered the great results which flowed from the determined action of the handful of men at Manchester and Clerkenwell, they could not doubt of their ultimate success.” You seem to have forgotten that among the greatest results which flowed from the Fenian murders at Manchester and Clerken- O be sure, there is no place like Bu of illmess requiring an unless your home is exce indeed, there is Soon, how- ever, it will be pos- sible to combine the advantages of a of a home. stitution The ber riend, if accident or illness befall him or her, to enjoy, so to ourself. Whichever you please, At present there exists but one Home Hospital, as yet in an inchoate state, at Berkeley House, Manchester Square. But the Home Hospital Association contemplates the establish- ment of ‘‘ several Home Hospitals in different parts of the Metropolis.” The more the better, if not exactly the merrier. In relation to the Public and the Medical Profession, the idea of Home Hospitals obviously co mds to that of Co-operative Stores. The Home Hospitals Association might call itself the ‘‘ Co-operative Medico-Chirurgical Attendance Society.’’ Nevertheless its bere created = clare Wheat hem a. ut then, asa rule, they do not overcharge their patien or send them adulterated medicine, short of weight an measure, or else might the medical men, of the lower class at least, now be infuriate with an agitation ana- logous to that raging amongst shopkeepers of the baser sort. : aoe The President of the Home Hospitals Association is the Duke of NortHumsBERtaND. The Committee, besides His Grace, includes the Earl of Brssporoven, the Bishop of WINCHESTER, Sir RurHerrorD ALcock, and Mr. Ernest Harr. Their funds at present amount to something under £11,000; but, of course, now that Mr. Punch’s readers are in possession of the facts above-stated, will be raised toa sum more than ampl sufficient to supply all the demand for Home Hospitals that exists, or can be created by circumstances—espe- cially those of the Homes in whieh ailments are aggra- vated by that very serious complication res angusta as a rule, in case physic, sur- nursing, tional like hos- with those An in- being or- under the of ‘a “ The The Chancellor’s Kickshaws. r as to atients is} Proce Bismarck, the other Saturday, gave his first You may | political dinner. It is said that one of the specialities of the menu was a great success—anchovies swimming in custard. Another, equally relished, is stated to have been a mélange of red currant jelly, raspberry jam, beer, brandy, cream, and caviare. dear | well, was the disagreeable fact that some of those who committed them were hanged. You call them martyrs. But were they such | martyrs whom the Porg would be likely to canomnise ? THE SHIP FOR THE SILVER STREAK. ““Taoven the Calais-Douvres,” said Mr. J. 8. Fornes, at the recent Cannon Street Hotel Meeting, ‘‘ has done her work admirably, she is not a cheap ship. She has carried 55,000 sengers, and I | venture to say she has made many conyerts to the Calais route... . an average of 715 per day was carried in her, with the minimum of inconvenience, 3 ig as we say in the Report, ‘a material diminution of those peculiar evils and annoyances heretofore incident to the sea transit.’’ | Delighted to hear it. Let them progress in this line, not usque |ad nauseam, but beyond it. In sanguine hopes of this result, I | place the following new Lines, for which I have got the necessary powers, at the disposal of the London, Chatham and Dover Board. Take the Calais- Douvres On your way to the Louvre. She ‘s an improvement : On board her you can sit, Nor make a sie transit, Unconscious of movement. When in her you cross, If she plays “ pitch-and-toss,”’ She does it without detection ; For which bless the orbs Of Mister Fores, Of the L. C. and D. direction. (Signed) L. C. aw D-over THE Sz. Pen-Feathers. (From a Collection of Old Saws.) From Geese pinions taken, Geese opinions to maken. Tue Kreprive’s GLEE (as sung by the heads of his International Administration).—“ Row, Brothers, row !” £@ To Counesvowpnnts.— The Editor does not hold himself bound lo acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In no case can there be returned unless accompanied by @ stamped and directed envelope. opres should be kept.

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22, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 121 “GOOD INTENTIONS.” Scot (on Waterloo Bridge). ‘‘Heon! To Tuinx I save A BAWBEE EVERY Time I cross Tas sowny Bric ! Time I Gano 1’ THE King !” = LIGHTS THAT REALLY ENLIGHTEN. prone the most needed and newest Mahts of the time are the lamps in the Cromwell Road Queen’s Gar- Be They not nat ony throw a light on the streets. on their aoe & p wy this region used to be, Ft a and their drivers, the * lew ata the present luminous chain of on fe — is not to be described te a aoe poeaching Up this simple provision Vey my months past, he can onl hope Gat now that now that one local authority has led the way in thi jn this saowely but very real improve- } 2, oe unch’s preac , or not, gutiorinins will go and do like- ARMS FOR THE ENEMY. haps been somewhat undul aug ty ibaatth *ehich ap rot a wey in a daily pa 4 LY at last, legibl ted at recurring Lie. names of the streets. oy | even in the | Lo e numbers of | at intervals of ten, on the | sete ane arm ie Wet 1, and ancth ther tt Men. - tus sfordd — for shipment to the us. But 2 thus afforded to a savage ony may by any means so bad as it seems. can no interest in sending Cerewayo and his idle better nsthan the worst manufactured for ex- at . The worse, the cheaper, there- e mee» afer the he vendors. Parties in the Zulus rifl as to be sure to burst in their also sell the Zulus, and are driving a trade the reverse of unpatriotic, however un- serup Ah therefore hesitates to say that the fellows ought to be hanged. NO ROYAL ROAD TO HAPPINESS? I’LL Jus? PIT Ir IN THE PLare THE wexr|_Iey’t there? What do you say to the road from Windsor Castle to Claremont ? PUNCH’S GREETING TO THE YOUNG COUPLE. ARTHUR PATRICK, DUKE OF CONNAUGHT, AND PRINCESS LOUISE MARGUERITE, MARRIED, Tuurspay, Marcu 13. O'ER your heads Punch don’t want any gush to be shedding, But he smiled on your wooing, and blesses your wedding, m is one of the right sort, he hears, t the Bride is a duck among dears. the old bare cannot gush, he feels glad, his old shoe after bright lass and lad, And sends you Ais present—of value untold, Beyond ya 8 in onds, or Courtier’s gold— is the earnest good word and good will Of a heart that it takes who knows how much to fill. For Britaynia smiles under And when nee bids *‘ God peo of his hunch idegroom bears names of good omen ’tis clear :— Brave ArTuur’s of England, that Preux without peer, And with it the Saint’s who the Green Isle set free, Sweeping all that was venomous into the sea. As gallant as Anruvur, with sword, u steed, ag as St. Patrick in word and ia deed, May his gentle young bride and his country Him who this day for Manhood leaves light Youth behind. May the Mother, hese cepew soske oot-ofl of joy wedlock of each loving ¢ and brave boy, Among all her good cr.sts— Shas ne'er made isn none with a future more cloudless than this still find ess you!” says Ditto to Punch.” SOMETHING LIKE A LOAN, Amonest the many schemes for the financial regeneration . Turkey the ovens, which Mr. Punch has reasons for believing the only one that supported by the Sublime Porte) has as yet been withheld from the public. Now the De Tocqueville Scheme has been set aside as impracticable it may have a chance. 1, Turkey, England, Russia. a Conte » Italy, Austria, and the German Empire, to enter into a thoro good understanding. 2. Turkey to give the most ample ps am to all the Powers for her T performance of her part of the accom eccempenying conditions. The unfunded debt of the Porte to be paid in full, in ready hs... 4. Ail arrears of intoap oan See Dest to be made 10 cen! us, to com: annoyance to oot ndholders ders have for years been subjected. = The Russian lof the Fur to be immediately dine harged. . The personnel of the urkish Military, Naval, and Civil Ser- pany Aan to receive two years’ pay in advance, with arrears and interest Boards, the Permissive Bill, the Volunteer Mévement, Trial by It piety J Ft the recent improvements in the French Civil pala Parliamentary Organisation to be forthwith 8. it, The Hevenue to be reoganiae, rulany pai up, and romited * Backshish to be abolished in all public offices—Metropolitan and Provincial. Remar Unrpra —The Ministry of the 16th of May, and the good sense of the B Republic of the 5th of January. =e" 2

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 22, 1879, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 7 ry i (li ig Up = rt (Monday, March 10—Lords.) ussiA seems to have lent us a chapter out of her book. Our High Commissioners and Commanders a’ to have a general authority to “‘Go in and win—or lose,” asthe casemaybe. Sir BaArTLE FRERE has been declaring war on his own hook in South Africa; and now we learn from Lord CranBRoox’s answer to Lord Rivon’s interpellation that General Rozerts has been annexing, on his own hook, in the Kurram Valley. And “what for no?” The Ministers of an Imperial policy have their rights, as well as their duties—and the first is to ‘go a-head.” Lord Beaconsrre.p’s “‘ stand- es ing order ” might be condensed into Horacr’s SNawe =~ 70. line— ie “ Rem bene si poteris, si non, quocunque modo, rem.” “Pash our Empire, wisely and honestly, if you can; but push it, anyhow.” As Lord Netson told his Captains, ‘‘ No man can be far wrong who lays his ship alongside an enemy,” Lord B. would seem to lay down the direction, ‘‘No man can be far wrong who “a | quarrels with somebody, and annexes something !” ; ae Lord LawkENce is puzzled to understand when and where, if we go on annexing Cabulwards, we are to come to Lord B.’s “‘ Scientific Frontier,” maintainable with a large reduction of existing forces. Nor did Lord Naprer of Magdala—who has descended from his tock to give Government the benefit of his Indian lights—condescend to tell him. ‘ . Lord Naprer explained that henceforth we meant to defend India beyond the passes. How we were to defend its defenders he did not explain. Perhaps the next year will show. (Commons.)—A night with the Naval Authorities. ; Mr. Goscnen wanted to know what Mr. Smrrn could not tell him, Why, in our South-African need, we have not drawn on that promptly available force, the Marines? What can the Horse-Guards, who have the bottling-off and decanting of the choicest military ort, be expected to care about empty bottles? Mr. Smirn promises the Jollies shall be the next to go to the front. That is onetins. and | Li: i Cy ty N\\ - ¥}} if he First Lord had a pleasant piece of news, to take out the taste of his rather perfunctory answer to Mr. Goscuen. Hearing of Isand | at St. Helena, Captain BrapsHaw of the Shah at once shipped the little island’s little ison, and sailed for the Cape with them the Shah’s own Naval Brigade of four hundred Bluejackets. Punch will not say Pshaw,—but, Bravo BrapsHaw! to this plucky piece of promptitude. That is helping, on your own hook—better than declaring war or annexing on it. Mr. Samupa pleads for improvement in the position of Naval Ship-Carpenters. How about the Engineers, Mr.Samupa? Surely, with steam and iron coming everywhere to the front, our ‘‘ Chips” can y hold his own with those who superintend our Stokers and te: | Pokers. ‘Suppose we improved their pay and position a little’ Mr. Vans AGNEW complained of stagnation in naval promotion, which he perversely ascribed to the new and hard Retirement Rules. | These rules, no doubt, do 7. "= many good and serviceable officers, and are only defensible (as Mr. Surra and Mr. CurLpgRrs both explained) on the plea that they stir, instead of stagnate, promotion. To find out how in piping times of peace to keep the tide of promo- i tion running merrily in a service whose strength must be Eept equal to the strain of war, would take many Vans-loads of i uity. Rs Lord C. BrresForp wants more Naval Barracks, to keep paid-off men together. So does Mr. Surru, and is providing Mr. Horwoop wants amendment of the Naval Discipline Act, like that we are to have of the Mutiny Act. Mr. Secretary Eczrton does not see his way. It would not be like a Secretary of the Admiralty if he cid. Why should he see his way better or further than his masters? Though the Cat’s claws have been clipped, he is still kept in the boatswain’s bag; and lurks in naval minds and naval ae codes, setting up his back against , and looking fondly back to the times when there was no limit, of law or practice, to his ? fleshing his claws in the backs of our A.B.’s. ’ ic Mr. Surra lovee in the Navy Estimates, as Colonel Stanuey did the Army Estimates the other night, to enpiy hentia. This comes of being so confoundedly early with things. Estimates clash with eating; and the House empties, that its Members may be filled. Mr. Surra shows a nominal reduction of near half a million, but admits that this is without reckoning the expenses of Cape trans- + pat We may reckon ourselves lucky if we get off with last year’s Eleven Millions. As it is, the figures have been kept down chiefly # | by, docking a thousand Marines ; about the most improvident piece of docking, as it seems to Punch, that could have been done, as a drilled and disciplined Marine is the valuable and costly product of a special and slow training.

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| lane E Kk D d al K, "9 Mancn 22, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ty) oy 0 CUM ASL! 4) sus Y 4s) AN ny 4 r\ e ee / ly aN’ Th NN . A! N Fa Reo z } . mA) Cs a - eh qiae Lig hy, A j (Lf “bij i i “é A DIGNIFIED PACE. Lady Gay Spanker (to her Husband), ‘*‘ Ovanty’t wk TO BE TROTTING ON, DEAR?”’ Small Mam on Donkey, ‘‘ TaA-TA FOR THE PRESENT, THEN! I DON’T LIKE RIDING FAST TO CovERT!”’ | ears Fees We have been building under our mark of armoured ships, but over it of unarm ; we have had a heavy bill for repairs; and woe doing all we can to perfect our naval guns and torpedo- A shorter speech has seldom been made by a First Lord. ‘ Least said, soonest mended,” holds good, no doubt, of Estimate speeches as others; but silence, unluckily, is not ‘‘ golden” in this one case. Speech, or no speech, bills must be paid. _Mr. Brasszy was complimentary, and Mr. Bentinck depre- ting; Mr. Rytanps carping, and Mr. SuHaw-Lzriévze critical, as is their nature to! Mr. GoscHEN complimented the First Lord on his business-like J eee nat, Be Ajax, wanted more light—unconscionable man! together Mr. Sarr faced his empty benches with a courage and a brevity worthy of a better audience. But it is quite won- derful how dead the ‘House is! It wants something to “ ginger” it. A lively bout of personal sparring might quicken its suspended animation. Tuesday (Lords).—A talk about Irish Railways—the Duke of ROUGH maintaining that narrow gauges and begse engines were the only things to pay on many Irish Lines. We should have py poor Ireland had bogies enough, without introducing them on Medical 4 The M Act was read a Second Time. Lord Ripon is looking closely after it, and wisely presses the importance of not letti the — Be ity question’of qualification wait for settlement o the prof squabbles about the Medical Council and its con- If Doctors can’t look after their own Constitution, how can they be expected to look after ours ? (Commons.) — 1 fullest House of the Season. Bune, and Buna’s friends, in full foree. Sir Wrrrr—that artfullest of dodgers, and most humorous of hobby-riders—brought in our old Pe hy = in the y Soom mr fae. ~~ > up was as see , 28 Falstaff’s, o at Wite of rontiord. "Yet as the joalogs Ford wis ‘blind to the ? ” under the fat s “ muffler,” so was the jealous . E. Fonsrer, to the claws and teeth of that wicked old wolf Permissive Bill, under the sheep’s-clothing of ‘‘ Local Option.” The Carlisle Baronet was as lively as ever in recommending his old friend with a new face, and Mr. Wueetnovuse no livelier in cagpersen his acquaintance. ir M. W. Riptey was the mouthpiece of the Government in Opposition. Yet Sir Wrmrrr had found a Seconder in Mr. Breer, a supporter of the Government. So the Marquis of Haxrrneton, who o on the ground that those who supported the Measure meant different things by it, did not seruple to g° into the lobby inst Mr. Forster. bo it was all through the Debate and in the Division—a real case of Measures—spirit, ale, and beer—not Men. The House (by 252 to 154) said ‘‘No” to * Local — m4 as decidedly as it has, hitherto, to Permissive Bill. Punch hopes it is with the House as with him in his opposition to Sir Wrrrk1ip— not that they love Sobriety less, but that they love Liberty more. Wednesday.—No House made till one o'clock. Really Hon. Mem- bers are getting like Zim Moore in Powen’s Farce of The Irish Lion. ‘* The clock at the Bull is half-an-hour too fast, and the clock at the Lion is three-quarters-of-an-hour too slow; so I lave my work by the clock at the Bull, and I come to it by the clock at the Lion.” Not that there was much to make a House for—only Dr. Lusn’s Medical Act, which, of course, had to stand aside for the Select Committee soon about to have a whole armfull of Medical Bills to meet in consultation over, and Mr. Gotpwey’s Bill for enabling sit in the House without first pulling off their cassocks. Act of 1870 allows them todo. A representative trio, Brnesronp- Horg, and Newpreate, and OP . The Commons won't have it. er’s orders may admit to the House, but Holy Orders by 135 to 66) will continue to exclude as they do now. Clergymen say the majority) make quite mess enough with their ecclesiastical water, without being allowed to make a splash with political. Thursda Und. — Their Lordships rattled Bankruptey and Supreme Court of udicature Acts through Committee in a brace of shakes, and were up and away by a quarter to seven. (Commons.)—No quests questions must stand over when ini are at a ing. The i called oer the tals for delays incolig of trans ports at St. Vincent. Strange to say, no excuse was f ing. Mr. Bourke admitted that the Government knew of 831 m

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an | 124 —s PUNCH, “OR ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 22, 1879. SCIENTIFIC INTELLIGENCE. ‘* Ow SATURDAY LAST SOME VERY INTERESTING EXPERIMENTS IN ReEFLecTeD SIGNALLING , WERE SUCCESSFULLY CONDUCTED BY LIEU- TENANT SPOONER, Rk. E..’ and 50 0001bs.. of gunpowder having been shi ped at : Cardiff ‘for Mozambique—but promised that me 4 would do their best to prevent them reac hing the Zulus. Punch prefers not to publish the shippers’ names, as these munitions of war may not be meant for the Zulu market, and in that case he might be libelling two firms of honest traders. (And so the fact turns out.) Mr. Water James confounded two things so essentially distinct as fans and faggot-votes. When the Fanmakers’ Company, by leave of mq Corporation, create Members of the Guild at so adh wat head, it “ not faggot-vote” making, but legitimate increase of the Livery. F ans are the fashion, and the more makers of these the better,—not so with anesee Sir G. Camppett drew attention—he would find it hard to “draw” anything more substantial—to Oriental loans, and in- sisted on tay ine ye met of Government putting British gh in the pe at at “s almost certain risk of burning them. a was a p with car our Consul-General, Mr. VIviaK, speaking and. wri writin e teeth of the Kneprve's Finance Minister, —— Wrusox ; and the fellahs being starved and squeezed to dea 7 per | cent. interest might be | w: 4 out of their sweat and a etod. a is hipped (as £ a the Tunes puts it) “‘ to see starving peasan whip to ur, for the benefit of British and French bondholders.” Colonel ALEXANDER all that had appeared in the Times about the misery of the fellaheen, and then came a chorus of denun- ciation of the EDIVE’S little es, and a hand RA 9 and - ngland had lent the stockjob follow nS -hearted h from Sir Srarrorp, in which soul s favourite feat of sitting upon two stools—in other words, came to the ground—as clumsily as usual. All Nonar Paswa and his Big Geiagecs wanted was to improve the administration of te the hard lot of the fellaheen. thought +» a took more than they had a right. the , Saas d pay as much as they were legally bound to pay, was matter. They had tried to get rid of the K 8 malversations. Whether their scorpions might not prove ‘than his yn was beside the ee There was no question at present of Government guaranteeing an Egyptian or Turkish Loan. He didn’t say there mightn’t be a cumstances that might Wisox’s cases. It was —, wes hard [1 what was Mr. Rrvers fact, it was say what was any = position. _ They had never thought of interfering wath Mr. Wissonte action. At the same | time, they had told him the thought it undesirable he should resign. Government would never claim any right of interference in E; At the same time, they felt it was not desirable that Egypt ould be allowed to fall into anarchy and confusion, to be followed by embarrassment and bankruptey, &c., &c., &c., through ry rigmarole of slip-slop and see-saw. Mr. O’Downext, in the teeth of repeated attempts to count him out —the last defeated only by the — -* counting himself—dinned into the languid ears of a House of t the evils of ‘‘ mixed” and Universities. Religious - i a Teg be un- diluted, and all history brated That ed instruction must be muzzled oe. oo 7 = ‘Terden of J. McKenna, Major — essrs. SULLIVAN, O’Connor. eens Hewry, and aa Pete Colonel Conruvrst, and Sir Ranewwes ait that as Government sanctioned and su ported Denominational Fa Education here, it could not consistently refuse it to rg But how if won’t swallow her * mixed,” and England will insist on pouring it down her im that form and no other? Last night revealed no road out impasse. Friday (Lords).—In 4 tin of Lord ’s about the gomposition of the Court of Inquity inte ts dieche, insinuation CHELMSFORD. Between and Lord Truro, Lord of Alderley, Lord Bury, eo: the serene of their Lord- ships’ Olympus was uite tempestuous a space ; and the ¥ guarrelled over Lord TuvRtew and his question for more that an honr ! (Commeons.)—Mr. Jenkins stirred a more seriéti# storm out of his question whether the Government meant to remoéve Lord CHELMs- rorD. Qn being answered, “No, not as at present tinge the ie Sgthe parpes oy Ses ms —~ Ag ouse, e purpose 0 ersisting in this, inst a storm of ‘‘ Order “Orders |” Ginx’s Bebe braved , and impavid, the howling of the House, the Taubbi of the Spkaker, and—worse still— on his be of Sir R. Pzet, and Mr. Breear. The serene wisdom of the House, without adding by ‘‘ Order” to disorder, pr rotested — usurpation by Parliament ot the func- tions of the xecutive, sitting in ju ent on a Commander-in- Chief. Then the scthiccien of Col. Mure, the cockiness of Mr. Cmartim, the weak-kneedness of Sir SrarrorD, the high-and- dry- ness of Lord Hartinerton, joined in rebuke of Mr. Jenxins. But if Ginx’s baby showed bad taste, the rowdy element of the House showed still worse. His question will yet have to be answered. Col. Ansutunot defeated the Government by 69 to 68, on Motion for a Select Committee to inquire into the effects of the Abolition of Purchase on the Scientific Corps, and the alterations that the c has made necessary, in the promotion, pay, and conditions of service and a of those corps. Such a = oe no doubt will have to be made, and the sooner it is Sele the Mr. Cross’s Bill for creating a Public Prosecutor got into Com- mittee. e interposition OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. At the Prince of Wales’s—A Protest—Caste—Comedy classification —Aquarium—She Stoops. _Sre,— Casrewas produced about eleven or twelve years 860), and moe — then, been once revived. d not see it on its revi hted at meeting my old friend as as ever. “Caste s the best play the late Mr. Tom Wiemestos ever wrote. The story, though old, plain, and simple, is most interesting, = abounds in those real touches of nature, which, as —- observes, ‘‘ brings the water into your meter,” and mak ence blow a sympathetic nose, and, like the Soldier + = leant upon his sword, Pn aye F The play is a study for its well preserved balance between and the comic. Its Acts are so many A: daye, passed tn showers and bright gleams of —, a ge ge t- } e- blots on ge are wien the Author has la aw mm, Se rem ade ay 4 dw dd a, long 2 as 3 wrote naturally rarventeeaame-he Wan me © peek alee ae © natural. Te lau a Cone it never forced, and the fun, except in the peg age has to say, is homeo os ye b - inthe aunt, when om ut DA Se Satechy coe tasbante ee Se ae pertee ees to cry—than rendered needJess = aT th the two “Ted clcts htmatiada, Polly Bootes and Sam Gorvtipe

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Marcu 22, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 125 The Lag Ayes pest is sometimes too apparent in Caste, as for instance, in the marked contrast between Captain Hawtree and Sam the Gasman, which is forced on the a ce unnaturally, but taken as a wholé, With the acting at the "Prinee of Wales’s, past and present—for sy fe company must not be excepted,—no more complete play AY ts kind has been seen within the last twenty-five years. I say ie = not belonging of its kind,” advisedly, righ to the First of 4 a it takes’ a high op ee the oop, Divieeas of me. Fit Ga as ever ? a W ho can do like Mrs. can Act like Mrs. Bancrort ? is but ought to be for y & 80 templa’ after the run ne "so that if she seriously con- ly Ece contemplating retiring | adh he ret then, Men may come and mefi Let Cece run cata oat” - for no one will évéF be tied of cate rs. Bawcrort as the y daughter of the irreproachable M) foxy * with all his faults, is such a clevéF man, if he had but Ma’am, don’t you neyer go for to do each @ thi, as to give up this character ; for sank give it up, whet se to give it life, Polly Eccles, on the will have to exist. Has Old Eccles ar Grorce Honey) become a greater black- guard than he was years ago, or have I become a wiser and a better man? I hope, seewey, ¢ e latter. I trust there is improvement where it was n and not deterioration where it most certain was not needed. . was there such a drunken old vagabond, such an old such a brute, such a maudlin old scoundrel, who has beaten his eldest daughter, and would throttle her baby if he had the pluck, as this abominable Old Eccles. True to the life, in Mr. Tom Ropertson’s ion, somewhat over-coloured, in Dag Honey’s effective but offensive picture. Mr. Crayton is a good pegeceessels® of the honest, impulsive young soldier, George D Alroy, w for himself as a fool, and a = auth, i are him because “‘ his tongue is too big for his mouth. good-looking young Dobbin, from ogy s Va Fair, without that excellent officer’s pougherss and quite bears out Sam Gererper’s deseri of him Cecit’s Sam Gare - br a ‘a loll ergrown ” if I remember “The two beet bits of acting in Mr. hands with Major Hawtree, and where he sits b ty Be following, in his intense excitement, action of Polly Ecc “"~ the Ballet of The Soldier's Return. Here Mr. Crctt is “‘tinirebl e. Mr. Lemmyry 8 Captain Hawtree, is by this time as well known to play-goe as Mr. Sortern’s Lord Dundreary. His conscientious ‘ Yaas,” and his well-combdeie’ and equally conscientions ‘ No,” are as basso profondo and imperturbable as ever. Miss RosELLg plays with much glee? and feelin ing, the Second and In fact the acting is Comedy is one meee will bear being seen over and over This is true of Gotpsmitn’s She Stoops to Conquer which is now being performed every afternoon, at three o’clock, at ik, at the Aqua-|§ rium Theatre. Taking it all round it is capitally acted, and a better Mr. and Mrs. Hardcastle cannot well be imayined than Mr. Joun Ryper and Mrs, Stretine. In the well-known “ Jewel” Scene, first with Constance and , and then with Tony alone, Mrs. Srrecine is excellent ; while Mr. Rrp in his seene with young mg when he can no no longer submit to the latter’s imperti- pense, conn xhibited the fine old English Gentleman’s hot temper break- ing out almost beyond control, and yet in time with such beer AF BF Eee eT eee ei picture, worthy of ». foremost in the gallery of true comedy portraits Miss Lrrron looks and acts ner ey; I am afraid on the day I saw her she was at eo as her voice wanted the clear ringing tone that should be a characteristic of the laughter-loving, us young Lady. I suppose it would not be easy to find a o, Mrs. Bancrort, especially in good, and the Bancrort ? | i better Tony Lumpkin Broveu. ”"Bome may ~— such a cub is noisy, is just now, than Mr. — 9 it = being too nois and unmanner! a Such a stupid, » hoggish youn who plays soastioal es on were it not made Mr. Faww is a find ea unning, illiterate lout, a a eee a have told infinitely better, monotonous and on} one Polly Eccles, and Caste is her profit, and | from SMELFUNGUS GN FEMALE SUFFRAGE. (In answer to an trewtring Friend.) No, Sir, I don’t object to Female 8 at all. Quite ut I hate half "Mr. Courrwey’s Bill was a half measure, Sir. It left out the married women ; mankind to vote than single of abaire though to be. Bae because protected by the bal- great many of om would yote in contrariety to ir husbands. Does not . CARLYLE, Bir, affirm that of this country are Is? If, as such, the y vote for the Yes, to be su No, hy F they are biding their time to ing Uni- versal Suffrage to Democtacy. the meanwhile, Sir, hooray for Fomale Pelithel Reennpeten |

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Se Nf, £ % 2 LT i EP EI PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Marck 22, 1879, My Met N iy . Le! a ‘ A a at \ HYPERCRITICISM. Grace (whispering). ‘‘ WHat Lovety Boots your PARTNER ’s Got, Mary!” Mary (ditto). ‘‘ Yes, UNFORTUNATELY HE SHINES AT THE Wronc END.” ENGLAND’S THANKS, ’Tis not success that sends Blood to the heart, and water to the eye, That stirs all England to accordant cry, ** How shall we make amends To them that nobly win or nell] lose ?”’ Not by deed’s issue, but by deed we choose. There is death in defeat, That shows far nobler than victorious life. Honour to those who weave their crowns of strife In Peace’s garland sweet, But honour, too, to those whose crowns are clenched In death-stark hands, with high hearts’ life-blood drenched. Take England’s praise and thanks, You, brave young Officers, brave Rank and File, Who beat back Zulu strength, foiled Zulu guile, On Buffalo's bare banks, A handful ’gainst a host, through a long night Of desperate leaguer and unequal fight. Take thanks and honour too, You that, o’er-swept by sudden- ing waves Of savage foes, in their slain heaps found graves ; _ And of them chiefly, you, Young pair of P ins, who clave your way, Bearing the colours from that fatal fray. CoeHILt and MgeLvirLE—names That need no stone, in English hearts writ deep ; Upon the Buffalo’s scorched bank they sleep, Two boys—immortal fames ! One heart folded, one as brave, I wis, That in its last beat knew no pang but this, ’ Twas his friend’s prouder fate, To wrap those Colours round ais bleeding breast, His, knee to knee to strive and strike his best, O’er sand and thorough spate, Ready whene’er from selle his comrade reeled, c To snatch that charge, which but dead hands would yield. Through storm of shot and spear, Red with their own and their pursuers’ blood, On, on, o’er steep and stone, on to the flood, That rolls, storm-swollen, near— A lift, a leap, their horses breast the tide ! ; Strike shot, rain spear! with charméd lives they ride! Alas, ’twas not to be. . Life’s spark but lit them to the bank to die; There, scarred with shot and assegay, they lie, Side by side, peasy. The red flag round one heart of two that vowed To save it—take it, both, for common shroud. This homage paid the dead,— Who could no more save life than honour lose— Take England’s thanks — their well-earned dues Who held that leaguered shed, Setting Rorke’s Drift, till now unhonoured name, By Plassy and Assaye, and fights of fame, Compunctious Charity. Ir is gratifying to learn that the Barristers’ Benevolent Society, which held its sixth annual meeting in Lincoln’s-Inn Hall the other day, has prospered during the yt year. Let us that among the objects of this excellent charity are included the too or ae” persons who have been reduced to ruin by involuntary itigation. SHAKESPEARE ADAPTED FOR CLEWER. “Brow Law! Come wrack! a At least we ’ve got Mackarwess at our back!

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~ ~~ S ' ‘A > ,. ¥ > “S ‘ S 5 ‘ f aN x : Re | 4 S “s \ rey f j (7 | Zs Ae ae ELE lila wD 0 et) \ idan al

° 7 A VOTE OF THANKS. F.-M. Poncn. “‘ LIEUTENANTS CHARD AND BROMHEAD, IN THE NAME OF YOUR COUNTRY I THANK YOU AND ALL THE DEFENDERS OF RORKE’S DRIFT. YOU HAVE SAVED NOT ONLY A COLONY, BUT THE CREDIT OF OLD ENGLAND!!”

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Marcu 22, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 129 A FEW OF THE WEDDING-PRESENTS. (The Only “ Correct Card.’’) *,* Our strictly Private and Confidential Corre ns, Jag Bazstairs, informs us that, in consequence of t ‘oo Tetlowtn of trade, and things having been so bad in t Howoing, without gloss of any kind, ts the correct list pe ah -, the Presents wony EE received by the newly-married couple. bs a te the papers have embellished the “Articles tn thei? pub- ishe 1. From H.R.Hy the lated Flower- re natalie, to hold thre UB) Ah Gaiy wan wants ru to look : as f Prout, pee the Eval fsvperial Highnes# the Cfown Princess of Gir- ea ; cg othe graph of some place or o abtoad. Very effective, easily mistaken for a watet- colour drawin ng. 4 From H.R.H. the Dukeof Envrvsunen. Roya self. q . From Prince and ridden Curistran. A} —*x t-Light pe het earthenware, with of Child’s Night lig m Princess Louise and the Marquis of Lorws. wo wold (Nise "Silver flat Candlesticks. Complete all but one Snuffers and one Extinguisher. Valuable on account of avin been for a long time in the Argyll family. 7. From the Duchess of Campriper. Six solid serviceable metal Tea-Spoons, marked with curious indentations, and two quaintly twis 8. From H.R.H. the Duke of Campripez. A Box of Patent Matches, warranted to strike only on the box, and not always then. 9. From the Heredi Grand Duke of MeckLENpuRG-STRELITZ. A Bottle of ’16 Claret. curious wine, very round in the mouth, and remarkably fine at the price. 10. From the Grand Duchess of Mecktensurc. A Set of Fish- Knives, almost complete, and only requiring a rivet or two to be very useful. an mnt GLEIcHEN—a Box for ye (Tanbri ware) ; Newry, anold Mug, sup to to some ok : Beauties of the et and the Characters in Pink unos: an from Mr. and Mrs. Turopore MaArtry, a complete Set of Bran- SHAW’S Railway Guide for 1860, in the original covers. The above, if our Corr ndent is to be trusted, are among the most important items which did not appear, or appeared in disguise, in the published reports. FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. Being a Brief Record of a few Winter-seasonable Visits to certain Country Houses, VISIT THE THIRD.—CHAPTER XVI. Still at Mosthyn Dickie’ s—Quotation—Grumble—Acuteness— Vio- lence—Pins—Mrs. Pound—Reply— Hermit— Cell— Manor. “ An!” he exclaims, — stock still in the doorway, thrust- ey first Mrs. Pounp, then a, @ though he s some worn be on our part. “Ah Was here he relaxes for a moment and scrutinises the fire—then he turns to the Housekeeper, *“‘ Are you giving him a good fire, Mrs. Pouxp ? Plenty of coals, eh ? re you quite sure it doesn’t smoke ?” from from Lord BEeAconsrretD, a secon copy Photogragie ry “op fl Benutice frm Tord Re af oy, bomen Mgt ¥ d oaeh bev he “we getting rid of ~~ left and right, and making ing his hands into his peck kets, resiling some keys, and sternly | doors impresses me with the idea of my having heard the line before some- where in SHaksPEaRre, probably Hamlet. Mrs. Pounp replies, y, that she is perfectly happy in her mind on all these points. op oe Ae ges than , coming from Mrs. Pounp, who, in herself, is embodiment of spirit of tidiness and comfort, and whose weloe and | those of one of the kindliest, motherliest, and most But Mos ~ Dr will have hi ble. I h OSTHYN DickIe ve his grumble. It’s quite enoug for him to be the best, and warmest-hearted frien and most in- dulgent master without showing it. He likes to lock upon hin himself as a tyrant, asa man who will “know the reason why,” though he never succeeds i in obtaining it. His hobby is, that nothing escapes his notice; ‘ De what they will,” he says, as though everyone all pound wee aria morning to night, ‘‘ I mg it all, oug’ For i ja dy ge pag where every article has been a oat, and turning on Mrs. Potun, ex- claims, as an injury to hmeelf by suppressin, the weil eran ae A the reckless and ungratefu conduct of there are no anf }” gcd in the wins —** Now, Mrs. Pournp— ai to Koertg Kriz, and anxious for Mrs. moment that she has been Bis toners ‘to point out at least a tea, t were they not there, it ce to Me as pw hot absolutely rely on pins, ear to my y pice for Mrs. Pounn. a powerful oratorical left band im he pork r pocket, one his right pointing at her, not put af er bdo the pin-cushions. She a ae 4 and pray of her it, and one rele " ir Pov, quite chee 0 t! : uy ; ‘ “she won crything?” # told. e forgets eve: g ab tuftis to tr ‘vers fio head—you know you haven't to a cap on, an it with finery ”—here Mrs, Pounp tly ; for she really has the very neatest and quietest cap her Master winks aside at me, as though intimating that had touched her on her weak point, now, at all events. ** Ah, well, Sir!’ replies Mrs. Pounp, with perfect temper, é | 04, che aos goes towards the door, ‘if I’m no use, Bir, you’d better get 0 ‘Get rid of you!” he exclaims, in utter surprise at such an extravagant J he «ry oe her!” he repeats, turning to me; ‘why Idn’t get rid of her, if I tried! She wouldn't tgo!” Mrs. Pounp shakes her head, d, smiles, Lo tp ’m quite — now, and quits the room, ; met, hee nding her master that the oy one on that he will probably be late for dinner, adding, that ies Ceaapemn | is not at all well to-day, and oughtn’t to be kept eo Fg With this advice, she disappears. Ah!’ ” repeats Dicxre to himself, ‘‘ True! She’s not well. No. Mrs. Pounn’s right.” Then to me, “I don’t think you know my daughter CLaupINR®. Madame de Burstyn is her married name that stupid old idiot, Mrs. Pouwp, always will call her hor Mies CLaupINE. She was her nurse, and brought her up. And so” - finishes in a tone implying utter hopelessness in with Mrs. Pouwn’s on this point) ‘‘ there it is! T can't get it out of her head—if she’s 8 got a head. Well, well—they ’re all ike, There it is, and so itis!” And he throws up his hands, as w hi to do with the cares oF life, eae So ored uae meena Syoercaee there to set up for himse as a Hermit in a Cell. ever, he only down to look after the Hermi Anda od bottle of ie wine we subsequen “| en mot. M weet So we 2° on} vor es of the Master Manor. wy At his Manner. CONFINEMENT IN CHURCH, ComPLAInt has bos made of the extraordinary practice in many London Churches, of —— locked and barred durin crpoten iat 1 Sige i impede the ops ft en su egress 0 jo Leg What tended uénee in case of an of Roar anv ye 2 oe ae ig bee gh ho of most churches open ? Surely none but idiot would think of shutting the church doors to Ritualiste; or others dtsposed to dissent, from leavin the h. Some i to abate this nuisance a with coves propriety > be tober Society which held i Ker Wednesde 2 ednesday, “and which calle” Po “ The hleahee a This last inquiry is given with terrible earnestness, and again oer Association.”’ Thy Sean eee nee.

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2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 22, 1879. iN : ii iY \\ = EXXIG a | a ii i it i" ! qt , ae * ip yi i ‘im ) . ne ay » ’ ms ‘ Y ‘ G Tense as “A SOFT ANSWER,” &c. Female Epicure. ** On, Mister, 1’M SURE THAT WAS A BAD ONE!” Oyster Salesman (indignantly). ‘‘ WHAT D’ YER MEAN? THEN YOU SHOULDN'T ’A’ SWALLERED 1T, Mum! I’VE BEEN IN THIS Trape A Matrer o’ TzeN YEARS, AND NEVER——” Lady. ‘‘ Wait, IT CERTAINLY LEFT A NASTY TasTE——” Salesman (mollified), ‘‘ WELL, THERE’S NO DENYIN’ THAT SOME ON ’EM IS ’IGHER IN FLAVIOUR THAN OTHERS !”? , Upon Members of Clubs, to be assessed by a Committee of young BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE. wifes ond wid a aplactene. ‘i i ok a Now that the Budget is closely impending, the Cuancettor of | “Pon Photograp isiting Cards, Menus, high- uu» the ees is no o * we Rem for 7 ant means of |i gn a ws a be paid by idlers in general, and increasi: erevenue. Mr. Punch, always to lend a helpin ’ hand to the Government, begs to suggest the following Recuoas cout | LS \ quatesy eng Bee — P wy Pa. paid by te taxes, as likely to be not ax very productive, but — what few | would-be Court, src be edie ty “the heal of the weste-paper licences or taxes are—distinetl cial to the community. Ib a This, if fairl "aanoanel, should bring in at least as much as A frame | the Income Tax. mvicts, under sentence of penal Gian, To Amateur Tenors, to sing not more than two songs a night, £20 | might be employed to verify these contents, and make up the list o a month. For songs of a patriotic or ~~~ character, | their authors. £5 a month extra. The National Anthem to be free. To Amateur Actors, to me pe ng part a week, £30 a month. Imita- tions of Mr. Tooxz, £5 a wee An Apropos in Advance. To Professional Diners-out, to tell the same stories at three | W orbs like wine may uire flavour b some years’ keep dinners a week, £10a month. Before the renewal of licence, a new | : — mt batch of stories to be submitted to the Commissioners. Stories | (Belin Tg Neng —" was ty oe en oe To ~yor ys under five-and-thirt in the Irish or other brogue, £5 a taty te = tet eee.1 © They say the Torpedo, the coldest of cold creatures, sometimes gives out handled stick theatres, sixpence a quarter. To bachelors | * *P®™* te ej etghe visi Ras a halfpenny a week extra. We should just think it did! To ors, over thirty-five, wishing to dance one round and | four square dances a night, yd amonth. ‘Sir Roger de porate, or one other 1 ~dance to be endorsed on the licence, free. Wisdom in a Walnut Shell. To pn” for life, after five-and- thirty, 15s. 6d, , : : : To use rouge pearl-powder, £5 a week extra. (To MM. Louis Blanc, Floquet, Madier de Montjau, et Compagnie.) To Married sie aed. ts once a day, £20 a month. Don’t rub up old sores. Married M thirteen stone in weight, and under five feet Do rub out old scores. yy sneyey FH Ty EH . & fortnight, A Tax Upon Wedding Presents, according to value, to be paid by Bride- groom. A Worp to Srr Wrtrrm.—The Best Temperance Resolution— Resolution to abstain.

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Marcu 22, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PUNCH’S MYSTERY. Finp THE PoRTRAIT IN THE BowER Mave sy Banner, Srary, AND FLoweEn. PREACHERS IN PARLIAMENT. Is it likely that any removal of clerical disabilities would have the effect of inducing more than a few exceptional Clergymen to enter Parliament? Would not the habit of holding forth to a congregation tend to incapacitate a Parliamentary ex-parson for addressing Mr. 8 er A = orator is not accustomed to be inter- Tu with ironical laughter and cries of ‘‘ Question!” and “‘ Oh! oh!” Such interruptions would be very likely to disconcert an honourable and no longer reverend gentleman on his legs out of the pulpit. The ws is true, get on tolerably well in the Lords, in spite of having accustomed to preach ; but then the Bish are select Senators as well as sel Parsons, and, besides, the Upper House of Parliament is not the Lower. Tue oxty “ Rounp’Scm.”—A cipher. QUERY—ACCORDING TO SOME INDIAN AUTHORITIES. CorstpERING what things were in India under,John Com what they are under the and rule that he has made room for, ay Butt honestly say, that his Room is better than his Company ? COALING AND CALLING OVER THE COALS. x told by Eastern telegra vot Lone boos Bovot is being called SPECIALLY SEASONABLE. est stock for our soupe maigre, among seasonably sent il? all Man’s given blevsings there ’s"none that equals Lent iis.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Marcu 22, 1879. EPISODES IN HIGH LIFE. (From Jeames’s Sketch-book.) Sir Charles, “* 1 OUGHT TO TAKE YOU STAIRCASES OF THESE Lonpon HovsEs ARE sO ABSURDL¥Y NARROW, YOU H} KNow !” HORATIUS, AND LONDON BRIDGE. DOWN TO Dinner, DoonmEss; BUT A Lay made about the Year of the City, 1879. Tue Common Council sitting, Props of the City’s State, How pte Bridge to widen Held long and deep debate. The Fathers of the City Had uttered all their groans O’er carriage, cab, and waggon block, Then called Horatrvus Jones. | Then out spake brave Honatrvs, The City Architect. He simply said—‘‘ Good gracious! ”’— oy but aid at you ’d expect— “Widen the Bridge, O Council, With all the speed e may. I, with some more to hel me, Will find you plan and way.” Then out spake Srreet, and Fercvson, H. Carr, and Rennie too, The Times, the Daily Telegraph, And Saturday Review : ‘*O Fathers of the City, We humbly beg you won’t! ” And Punch in solemn tone His golden warning—‘‘ Don’t : ts ead ** Horativs,” quoth the Council, ** As thou sayest let it be. Go, order bricks and mortar, Nor spare the £ s. d. Some asses may oppose us, Some Artists may be vexed ; But if we once can win the bridge, What mayn’t we go at next!” Punch smiled upon Horativs A smile serene and high ; He eyed the flinching Councillors, And scorn was in his eye. Quoth he, ‘‘ The Bridge’s beauty Think ye ye will enhance, With modern brickwork fitting not The style of Rennie-sance ? **The Bridge gives scope for movement To cab and cart and coach. No! If you want improvement, Best widen each approach In future City chronicles, Oh, let it not be told How brave Horarivs spoilt the Bridge, In the dark days of old.” Tae CommanpgR-IN-Corer For Arnica,—General Cap(e)ability. sm Tot THE MILITIA IN THE MILL. Tue commanding Officers of Militia Regiments are obliged to keep a Diary, corresponding—mutatis mutandis —to the log of a ship at sea. In this record ap all the ay events of the day. Now that Colonel- Seeretary Branwiry has redu the annual training to twenty days, the record will be more than usually interesting. Mr. Punch keeps a prophet on his pre- mises at 85, Fleet Street, and by his aid is enabled to give a specimen of one of these Diaries in futuro. It will be seen that the regiment of which this is the record will be materially benefited by the economy of the Government :— Finst WEEK. Monday.—Regiment assembled by twos and threes. The gua m full of ‘drunk and disorderly” by a quarter to four o’elock. No work done. Tuesday.—Gave the men their clothing, and took their rags into store. Wednesday.—Fitting on uniforms. Very hard at work all day with the regimental tailors. Thursday. — First parade in uniform. Distributed arms, and read the Mutiny Act. Thought of drill, but it rained heavily, so dismissed the battalion. Friday. — Squad-drill of an elementary character. Officers ea. about > / nothing. Saturdey.—Inspection of clothing, and Saturday half- ay. Sunday.—Church parade in the morning, and dismiss. Seconp WEEK. Monday,—By order of the Secrerany or SraTE com- eed musketry course. Men drilled in aiming at nowbine in particular. sday.—Men still being drilled (by numbers) to aim at nothing in particular. f . Nothing doing. Battalion ednesday.—Wet day. dismissed at 10°15 a.m. Thursday.—Musketry course continued. Blank-car- tridge firing. Excellent joke for the men—rather slow for the officers. Doctor has little or nothing to do now that ramrods are abolished. Friday.—Target practice. Target hit once in every fifty shots, Capital result, End of musketry course. Saturday.—Inspeetion of clothing, half-holiday, and dismiss. Sunday.—Church. Holiday for the rest of the day. Turrp WEEK. Monday.—Drill in earnest. The whole regiment em- ployed in the last stage, having had te miss the first, second, and third. Not very well grounded in conse- quence. Tuesday. — Making up for lost time. Everybody Battalion drill attempted be- working at high pressure. fore anyone has learned his A BC. Result—general confusion and a t deal of shouting. Wednesday .— reparing for the inspection. Busy with pay-lists, companies’ ledgers, &c., &c. Th ursday.—Inspection. Eccentric mancuvres. In- specting officer using language not to be found in the Queen’s Regulations or the Field Exercises of the Army. Great loss of temper on all sides. Friday.—Uniforms taken into store, and rags returned to their owners. Saturday.—The battalion disbanded, having rushed in four days through a musketry course requiring six weeks, and learned the whole duty of a soldier in rather less than fifteen hours. Result—to be discovered hereafter ! Sir Wilfrid’s Prophecy. Tey may say my Hobby ’s floundered, And that I, his rider, silly am; But Permissive Bill, now foundered, Will be yet the People’s William! The Immortal on the Burials Bill. (Over a Nonconformist.) “ Give him a little earth for charity.” Henry the Eighth, Act iv. sc. 2. ORR ESPON DENTS. — The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope, Copies should be kept.

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Marcu 29, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MONODY ON THE DECEASED “ MERMAID.” one from her close tank’s infection, nder Science’s inspection— . ? Poor Manatee! From Trinidad’s broad, tepid waters, To the Aquarium’s cramping quarters, rom duln Last-born of cetacean Leaden were her eyes and tiny, stead of shiny ; briny : Poor Manatee! Hair she’d none, in glass to comb her : Like old Ocean’s fish-tailed Dull and dead in Slug-like sluggard of the Mermaid was a waenge Can’t be helped, martyrs— Poor Manatee ! Uglier thing could hardly meet your Gaze, alike, in form and feature ; Lumpish, heavy, eas creature : oor misnomer ! oor Manatee! But bad looks, by those that own ‘em, ed, though they bemoan ’em ; Jil de mortuis nisi bonum : Poor Manatee! PHARISEES OUT-PHARISEED. Here ie about as bad a piece of local news as any which has lately appeared in the papers :— “Sunpay Onsprvance.— An adjourned debate in the Town Council of Leicester on the Sunday opening of the Free Publie Library was resumed yesterday, when i ne was defeated by lventy- To call the Public Lib which the Sabbatarian majority in the Leicester Town Council insist on keeping on Sundays “free” is irony. 6 ordinary public-houses in Leicester are free to be open during part of the Sunday, but the Public ! Library is not free at all. Even the bond fide traveller in the field of knowledge is forbidden uench his thirst at that Public-house. ose batarians, in regard to their Sabbath, prohibit meat and drink for the in authoritative declaration Dies non. In their estima- oy the Sunday was not the Sunday. tion, however, a made for Man, but CTION. . United States troops halted in the American Civil War, we are told, they threw up entrenchments. Our troops throw them over. NOTHING LIKE UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER. PEoPLE are constant] ining to Punch of the “airs” of servants in these days. uine letter has been sent him asa * Missuses” have now to put up with:— ~~ = “ Mareh 16. “* Mapa, “Tw to your which I regeived this morning, I cannot find out any thing in your letter I Object to, do I feel doubtfull bat what I might give Satisfaction. My wages is £16, all found, including beer. I want to know, Madam, how many sits to late dinner, and what is the third girl, as I should like to feel I could settle after coming so far. Do you have a laid luneh, and all lunch together? Is the House large—as taking House and Parlourwork together, it makes a difference. My Height is pretty fair. I shall wait answer to this. Then I will give you the address for m references. If there is anything beside you would like to state to me, I be mueh Obliged to you to fe 80. “ T remain, your Humble Servant. ‘* P.S.—If I take your situation, I shall expect my expenses paid.”’ ‘* The audacious hussy!” nineteen Misstisses in twenty will after reading this letter burst out. : But is it more than a business-like attempt on the part of one arty to a contract to ascertain its conditions, clearly and exactly, fore concluding the bargain? For Punch’s part, he—being a ‘* Master,” and not a ‘‘ Missus”’—would be inclined to augur very favourably of the writer’s clear-headedness ; would, in fact, call her decidedly a “ business-like woman,” though her letter, no doubt, reads rather ‘‘ cool ’’—not to put too fine a point on it—to the Lady to whom it is addressed. But the sconer Ladies who want servants make up their minds to lay aside the old-fashioned feudal notion that they are a superior order of beings to those who undertake domestic duties in their establishments, and are content to treat with them de pouvoir en pouvoir, the better. ‘‘To this com- plexion,”’ as Hamlet says, ‘‘they must come.” Punch can’t hope to ‘‘ make them laugh at that,” unless it be on the ‘‘ grin, and bear it” principle. But let them ask themselves if it isn’t the fact— pleasant or not. . (Punch would like to know, how a Mistress as capable in her upper or drawing-room sphere, as the writer in her lower or kitchen range, would answer this letter ?) y co The followin of the sort of Only Natural. ‘It was proposed to send a regiment of Irish Guards, officered Rule Members, to Zululand. If it went there, it might fight on side.”’—Mr. Parnsuu at Glasgow. Sure, Parwét.’s up to snuff, if he choose, And his Home-Rule boys ne’er will prove laggards ; But what would be the odds ’twixt Zulus And out-and-out rdéa/ Irish blackguards ? Home- wrong the Common Form oF aw Antrstrc Coprniont Acr.—Painting a replica of your own picture. THE RORKE’S DRIFT ROLL-CALL. “ Aw Officer” writes to Punch— “In your Cartoon, of March as worthy head of the Army, thank Lieutenants Cuarp and Brouanto ae their heroic defence of Rorke’s Drift. are seen some men of the 24th Regiment, and scattered are quantities of Commissariat Supplies. Cannot you find some corner memorial to the only officer who was killed that ht while gallantly his duty, Assistant-Commissary Bynwz? Should you ignore the onl * geverely wounded,’ to whom all were indebted for his advice and ski his ies of flour and biscuits into parapets—Assistant-Com- ALTON? Or the young officer who gained the admiration of all by erecting the last defence under a heavy fire, Assistant-Commissary Dunne ? —— Rernouips, who only on one side his rifle to attend to the _ Punch only wishes his Cartoon was as as his gratitude, which case he would certainly have room not only for t Cee Hoge ancient or non-combatant, who assisted in oe Y of Rorke’s on thee Ay every man who piled a box, fisted a mealie-bag, e ayonet pay on methorable oat have their limits, though tude has none, so Punch his artist have been fain to amp under the names and Ry oy~ poy of the most prominent ders of that noble defence all the officers and men who contributed to it, in their several ranks and capacities. He rejoices that ‘‘ An Officer’s” letter, in mentioning many of these names, secures a record of them in his immortal pages. a rifle, or plied a A BACKER FOR BLACKIE. Iw these anti-slavery days all are bound to hail BLackre as a man and a brother. The Professor, most strenuous of ‘ poor scholars” with the -box (that time-honoured article of the scholar’s equipment) raised £300 a-year to remove the opprobrium of Scotland—with its four Universities and never a Professor of the Celtic family of on; the tongue which, if Erse erudition and enthusiasm may trusted, Adam spoke in Paradise, and which has now been mysteriously relegated to what some will consider th» other earthly extreme—the Scottish, Irish, and Welsh Highland;, Man, and Brittany. Even taken together, these rugged regions can hardly be considered a fair equivalent for the Garden of Eden, with its a and aed) ny” The essor now the Treasury to supplement the annual £300, raised by his earnest and energetic a s, with another hun- dred, to complete a decent stuffing and lining for a Celtic, Chair in Edinburgh. Not even the most enthusiastic and modest of Celtic scholars can be to sit comfortably on less than £400 a-year. It is a reasonable request, and chould end will, we hove, bs granted. Lord Bsaconsrretp is bound to feel for Brackre. Both aso the pisupass Ses tee & a decried and down-trodden race, and Brackre’s Celtic protégés have fd as much a right to their Professor as BEACONSsFIELD’s Semitic ones. Tue Kueprve’s Lrrrie Ganx.—Spoiling the Egyptians. VOL. LXXVI. N

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poeta ge ey ae ‘ - hy om a\ ‘\. Ws not quite as coolly, already, that with our complicated and costly gigantic guns, hydraulic loading, electric firing, and turret-mounting arrangements, no firing machinery may miss fire, the hydraulic rammers may not ram, and the hydraulic washers may not wash, with the result of blowing ship and crew to smithereens. To prevent this upshot of scientific progress, we have to depend on the 2 put working of a great variety of most elaborate and intricate appliances of steam, electricity, and mechanism, under a complicated system of signals, worked by three sets of men, out of aoe and hearing of each other. The wonder would seem to be, not that accidents do happen in the best ated turret-ships, but that ; Lorp ELPHINSTONE was eminently candid and clear in his account of how we load and fire now, and the way in which the accident had probably ome about, according to the unanimous conclusion of a pre-eminently scientific Committee. The only difficulty of tle Committee woul happen: which it most likely did happen—at least according to the best of their judgments—viz. because a second charge was r before the first was fired off. Henceforth, it is satisfactory to be assured that we are going to ‘“‘ search” the gun after firing, to see that it has been fired, and before loading, to see that we are out with the old charge, before we are in with the new. Are we going to trust scientific tell-tales, again, for the intelligence, or is a wretched powder-monkey to be told off, to creep up the gigantic tube Chan Ave PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Marcy 29, 1879. — PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT IRity aS S54 HAT a reductio ad absurdum of our high scientific system of Naval =} ermament! when— Monday, March 17 (Lords)—the Duke of Somerset showed, with his usual coolness and clearness, what the wholesale destruc- tion of life on board the Thunderer has shown quite as clearly, if . is more likely than that the tell-tales may not tell their tales, the recording apparatus may not act, the electric- ey don’t. seem to have been to choose, among the vast variety of ways in which the accident might have ed, the wey in own

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Marcu 29, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (AA PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER. (Five Thousand Shunting Accidents in Five Years [) First Shunter (with coupling-link, awaiting Engine backing). Fonerat. Poor THINGS, WHAT WILL BE DONE FoR ’EM !?’’ Second Shunter (at Points). Mate! S#e’s BAcKIN’!” **T saw Poor Jack’s Wire anp Kips Last Niour, AFTER THE ** On, THE UsuAL THING, I s’ppose—CompPaNny’s BiEssin’, AND A CuaniTy Mancite!——Loox ovr, with little ** Suppose, ” BRITANNIA (always. disposed to kick at Science) will be apt to whisper to Joun Butt, ‘‘ we came back to our he old hearts of , with their plain and primitive broadsides, that never harmed any but an enemy ! It really looks rather like it. If not, as no doubt this unscientific suggestion is not to be listened to for a ” moment, we shall want another sweet little cherub to sit down below, as well as the one already told off to sit up aloft, ‘‘ to keep watch o’er the life of poor Jack. (Commons. )}—Mr . Cross having satisfied himself as to the corrobo- ration of Pracr’s confession of the murder of Cocx the Manchester Policeman, has released WittiamM Hasron. He is even going to com- pensate the Conyict, and do what, to the best of Punch’s recollection, no Secretary of State ever ventured to do before, compensate an inno- cent man, as{far as money can, for physical and mental sufferin during two years and eight months; first through accusation, trial, and quinn es death for murder, and afterwards under the com- muted mercies of = _ pon servitude. ILLIAM RON’S gauge Punch congratulates him on his release, and Mr. Cross on the courage of his — or ~2 in such cases compensation is the east atonement ay on . mad h free fight over the Army Estimates. gn x O’Brren and Mr. O’Donnett exchan Sir Parricx suggests a Regiment of Irish Guar Punch hails the idea, Is eo not the Major to the fore—ready made? For the Coloneley, why aout not all the eligible candidates take the sod for it, in the good ould Men yon Sg egeng The great difficulty would be not about officers—that would be an embarras de richesses—but about the rank and file. Of course if Messrs. Panwert and Bioear are to have anything to do with it, the Kegiment will be disciplined ons i tilential gases? A tremendous bore it will be for him, poor several rounds. Lucky for the Treasury that | of compensation is a lower-class one. | \that he alone was solel ble for transmission of phy message, which he hel f forwarded without consulting his on Home-Rule principles, and ‘‘ treading on the tail of me coat,” will be a leading maneuvre. In the meantime, the Irish Guard on Monday confined itself to protecting the British purse in the interests of Ireland, and wasted as much of the night as was devoted to Supply in resisting La demand. However, for once, Panne. spoke to the purpose practically rebuked that irrepressible obstructor, Mr. O Deanreas. Tuesday (Lords). — Lord BraconsrreLtp administered a sharp rebuke to yr Truro for asking whether the Government had duly conside the transmission of the Queen’s moseage of woe with, and confidence in, Lord Cuetmsrorp and his troops, ani whether they concurred in ‘, The message, Lord L -%— said, was not an expression of unlimited confidence in the Com- mander-in-Chief, but of sympathy first, and then of confidence in the South African Cogupnates and his men to maintain Her Majesty’s name and honour. ee any other public act of the Sovereign, had oy sent on responsability of Her Majesty's Ministers. To delay it would have to deprive Her Majesty's act of the spontaneous grace of consolation. w 4 — was thankful for the explanation, even at the cost of "(Comme oemens. )—But to show how differently the game of question answer is played in Lords and . Peew, on asking | the same question as Lord Truro, was informed by Colonel umaes Her We Jeave our readers to reconcile hap saree He doubt Se the spontaneous resul! ajesty’s kind) aol cel tet to comfort a General ender defect, ‘reaps under disaster ; end wen aeiieer wens t cupeee cag coe S the General’s merits, nor to forestall the conclusions, nor impede the action, of the Government in relation to him and his command.

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oe ad eee caress Mal ao < Sa . oe

136 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Marcu 29, 1879,

Mr. CARTWRIGHT may be congratulated on having wrung from the Government their slow leave for a Select Committee to inquire into the Wine Duties. An alcoholic test on the twenty-six degree scale, argued the able Member for Oxfordshire, was untenable—did not ~ out brandied wines, and stood in the way of natural ones. Spain 1 ‘ood of complaint. We had dicapped her sherry, and high tial duties on British goods were a natural retort. Mr. Bourke gave, at great length, all the reasons against any change in the mode of levying the Wine Duties or any expectations of benefit from such change, and concluded, with odd official logic, by ranting the Select Committee. r. M‘ivegr tried to extract a little Protectionist capital out of the concession. Mr. W. E. Forster would not allow any such inference, and hoped the inquiry would be into the Wine Duties, and those only. he CaanceLior of the Exchequer repudiated any intention of initiating any change in our established commercial policy. If we were about to take a leaf out of the book of Spanish policy, it would be only for the purpose of tearing it up. Mr. De.anunty gallantly the House on his currency- hobby, and just cleared a Count-Out to find that he was to be allowed a “‘ walk over.” The House accepted his Motion, ‘‘ That a free circulation of specie currency, with a free and adequate circula- tion of paper currency convertible into specie on demand, is necessa for the promotion and be Ges gama of manufacture, commerce, an trade;” all which, though the House most potently believes, yet holds it not necessary te have it so set down, seeing that nobody doubts or disputes Mr. Detanunty’s pompous platitude. Still-born—Mr. SciatEr-Boorn moved his County Boards Bill, which, framed with the laudable desire of pleasing everybody, of | course pleases nobody. Punch need not discuss it, as it has not | the remotest chance of ever | becoming law. A real County Repre- sentation Bill would be too big a birth for a dying Parliament. Wednesday.—Another Mi concession: Scotch Hypothec— the aggravated form of English Distraint—doomed at last. The Government, with an eye to Scotch Elections in general, and Mid- lothian in ee, not only allows, but supports the Second Reading of Mr. Vans Acnew’s Bill. Lord Etcuo "3 = to rally the English landlords to the rescue, on the plea that if Hypothee goes, Distraint will follow. He tries to make out, by some mysterious of reasoning, that Hypothec process | is for the good of Scotch small tenants. As, however, all Scotch tenants, small and big, are against it, no wonder Lord Etcuo talked to empty air as well as empty benches. Thursday (Lords).—Vivisection of Medical Acts by Medical Corporations. They have forced in a provision that even after | a student has passed examination application for a diploma must

| precede registration—though if the application be refused, regis- tration must be granted. A most ridiculous concession to the Medical Corporations, but introduced, as the Duke of Ricumonp explained to the Marquis of Ripon, at their demand, and Punch is forced to infer mainly from jealousy of feminine practitioners. Commons.)—Sir Starrorp Nortucore pleaded to Honourable Members in misericordiam to postpone their Motions for this night only, or really the Government and the Treasury would have to top the supplies or antedate the Appropriation Act. Jf course Honourable Members were compliant, there being, happily, no Irish notice on the list. n answer to Mr. Brient’s questions, Sir Srarrorp ‘had to own that Canada was about to pass ) es the dominion of Free Trade and common-sense to that of Protection; and that poor old Mother- Country can do nothi however much she might have to say—to stop her headstrong child. You'll have to take down the old sword again, JouN. Punch gives you his blessing in this week’s Cartoon. The ArrorNEY-GENERAL moved his little Bill to meet the great evil of Corrupt Practices at ions. He goes on the happy principle —— nothing that can be staved off, of existing — choosing the , and to them applying the least drastic remedies. Among one of the most objectionable electioneering mancuvres is the uvemenee of electors to the poll, as to which the law is uneertain. This the Bill leaves untouched. Sir C. Dirxe, Mr. Gorst, Sir H. James, and a host of less eonspi- euous Members a of the law on this ambiguous uestion, and Sir even moved a Resolution, which was efeated by 138 to 89. Second Reading was ultimately carried by 118 to 6, in utter indifference of all who take any active interest in the matter, and therefore little or none in the Arronnry-GeEne- RAL’s poor little Bill. Friday (Lords).—One of those pleasant pictures, en noir, which the Duke of Somerset has such a gift for painting. This time the subject was Famagosta—the old port of Cyprus. Lord Satissury tried to throw in a few light touches by way of relief, but without much effect. Plague ont Pestilence seem the present representatives of the island, ece Venus vanished.

(Commons.)—A talk of the barristers over Sir Henry James’s scheme for strengthening our judicial system, by utilising the Judges on theone-horse principle, and by improving Provincial arrangements. Sir Huwny Local Bars and Permanent Civil Courts at four of our centres. Asa rule, the Lawyers don’t like this. The Atrornry-Generat jaunty and dégagé as usual— Reform ’s a jest, and all things show it; I always thought so, now I know it.

A PLEASANT PROSPECT. cenE— The Interior of a i Room under the London School Board. Enthusiastic Teacher dis- covered with newly as- sembled Pupils. Teacher. Now that this handsome and commodious school-house, with its very complete and costly school apparatus, is at last com- Pleted, I am glad to meet my classes. We will lose no time in getting to work. Our first lesson will be in English History. We will waive the Prehistoric earl British and Saxon periods for the present, onl com- mence our studies with the Norman Conquest. Who ean tell me anything about WrttaM THe Conqueror ? First Pupil. Please, Teacher, here’s a cove at the door as says he wants to see you, ‘ Teacher. ‘‘ Person,” not ‘‘ cove,’”’ and ‘“‘ who,” “as.” (Pupil stands corrected.) Let him come in. (Enter Upholsterer’s Foreman with Assistants.) Well—what do you want, my man? First Man, There’s something wrong about the money for these here benches and black-boards and things. The Guvn’or says I’m to take ’em back—so look alive, mates. [ With the aid of his men removes all the seats, and the complete and costly apparatus, and exit. , Teacher (cheerfully), Annoying, but we must make the best of it! Happily we can sit upon the desks, and for a black-board I must oe shift with the back of a door. And now to resume our historical studies. What can any boy tell me about WILLIAM THE ConQuERor ? Second Pupil. Please, Teacher, it’s so jolly cold, we can’t tell you ys about nobody. We're a-starving. Please mayn’t we have a fire Teacher. Fire? Certainly. Why haven’t they lighted it, I wonder? In the heat of my enthusiasm I had not noticed the omission. What ho! within there! (Enter Charwoman.) Woman, why is not the fire lighted ? . harwoman. Please, Sir, there ain’t no coalsand no wood. Some- body’s been round and stopped ’em. The party said as how the Board was ever so much short with the coal merchant, and as how he wasn’t a-going to stand another sack till he ta his money. Teacher. Cool on his part, and on ours. Boys that have overcoats put ’em on. The rest can run about outside, in detachments of ten, for a quarter of an hour in succession. _ ‘ Pupils. Hooray ! __ [Exit first detachment, joyously. Teacher (cheerfully). Meanwhile, our work and our great-coats to- gether must keep us warm. So, once more, what can any boy tell me about WiLLiamM THE ConquEROR ? Third i. Please, Teacher, here’s another lot of coves wants to speak with you. Enter Second Upholsterer’s Man with Assistants.

Second Man. Ve rary te trouble you, Mister, but Master says that we didn’t ought to have left these here desks without money. Teacher. That’s not my business. Your Master should have sent in his account to the School-Board. Second Man. He have done that a lot of times. But, bless you! it ain’t no manner o’ use. He says that there School-Board ain’t no better than the ‘‘ Long Firm,” a-gettin’ goods on false pretences; and he ain't agoin’ to put up with it no longer. So I was to be sure and stand no ‘umbug, and if the money wasn’t forked out at once, I was to take the rae back again. (Removes the desks, and exit. Teacher (with resignation). Is it even so? The classes can stand.

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Marcu 29, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Cheerfull Pot phe fe yey is only for the moment! So I'll start for New York by the ey next eee (Aside.) Th seh at any rate, treats its officers with Aangpenue® oo ae ir good ale! te cafe rnaeration, Whiter aay ee teal ee } 1s safe nd to-da turday. ow, for time, what can on boy tell ef A WItiaM THE Conguzror ? Wait bi a oF _Like a fast, m my growl I have had, Fourth Pupil. A telegram for you, Sir. Aut mt » Or gone, hy ' Hands in dispatch to Teacher. at now Though tl my grow 8 oe Ka ead. tad wp he ‘th a ba Teacher (tearing open envelope). ’s this? From Assistant- worse they mig Secretary of the London Sebel: Board! (Reads,) ‘‘ Very sorry. Be money. bet Sa unavoidably deferred.” i Shameful ! "Tingrase- we we Wee a spe bard 3 but bow Jo know I dont lilke hi ich 1 rates and education ;— First Pu W 1am THE ConqueERor began to reign—— daresay good Teacher Pi Bother ‘Wrrtta x THE Conqueror! We will postpone But I ’s alll for w the Nation. him and his reign till a future occasion. (Aside.) I must see to and my Missus she suits, this at once. I suppose the Committee Rely geod Association My Landlord og RLY ‘taste in the matter o’ boots. will be taking i iat action. I must see the Secretary. (Zo My children Dad, ‘ no doubt, are too fine for their Pupils.) The School is dismissed—till further = hettet : By young ’uns are young ’uns, and ours ain’t so bad. [Pupils cheer, and exeunt tumultuously. Scene closes in. Old England has faults; but, from all that I hear, There are in America Bo I'll sing “* Rule Britannia!” and drink * Speed the Plough !” | A BRITISH FARMER’S THOUGHTS AND And stick to the Farm, as we ’ve stuck to till now. AFTERTHOUGHTS, , I’m an old British Farmer, and “‘ Hereford bred,” Though I’ve ne'er a white face, nor yet horns on my head. PRESS REGULATIONS FOR OFFICERS COMMANDING i= quiet and ong on a sizable farm ; ARMIES IN THE FIELD. to never a neig bour I wish any harm. 1. Tue General shall on Time was when, from sunrise till close of the day, battle My were good, as I paced the old way. Bes teeekeee things are unlike what they were If they rose from their graves, how our fathers would stare! once loved the life of a Farmer, bets now I dos as lief be a bullock, or horse at the plough ; Yes, as mak be a turni “Tohl-rabi, or swede, As go on a leading the life that I lead. Ware goo the me wien breeches and boots as a good enough dress for a grower of roots: Correspo : wy, father afore me, and his afore him, on the sa most “con ould have scorned to have put pantaloons on a limb. venient to them for o But my Missus, My, she, on one Sunday last year, 5 ing action. It w ) ** You can’t go hurch in those garments, my dear. obvious that, No, Jonny, I leat to your room you’ll go back, ; ; be done, a great deal of And put on a suit ‘of respectable black. as , qapenee xy: gs A m4 So now every Sunday I walk by her side at ne —n per offices. As black as a Bishop, to humour her pride. 8. No tele shall be My feeli of course, I endeavour i» smother ; = sent by the to the For when Madam says one thing, who dare to say t’other ? “a = Government Md yng bow My daughters, Miss * Exicr, Suste, and Farry, Le first submitted to Have all boon to sohec 1, and have learnt the Pianny ; , ; aa . should And what with their music, fine dresses, and learning, ; 4. hat § Co Won’t tuck up their sleeves to do washing or churning. see that Special rre- dents are treated with My boys, Tom and Dick, ride in patent top-boots, the utmost ost consideration, and that no ieaflions distinction is made And = bacey will touch but cigars and cheroots ; between thas batant Officers. Guards should turn out to At a glass of good beer they turn up their nose, them, and and iat have the first choice of quarters. For French stuff as sour as ’twere brewed out of sloes ! yen = yentating to = or cold shoulder a Special MS long Ulster coats, » Hilse she the men in the ee re con A be immedi by -bead ey run up to town on ‘ spree,” and the “‘ lark: ” despatches shall remain hands The money they spend on their pleasure, I’m sure, G rth sepa on of the Special. in the a te Had better be spent on the farm in manure. 7 7, The General should be very cautious in allowin Then the taxes and rates! Win, or lose, all the same, military training to act as Special Correspondents, as they are There ’s the Income-Tax Paper—I call it a shame : ont te be Seed by professional Prpabest and mete. ABR. and mind Nay, it’s worse than a shame, darned if ’tisn’t a sin, pony Sead ~ To take Income-Tax out, when there’s nought coming in ! mancuvres sand other centiied = guineas a » py the price of good wheat ; e market is of American meat Says my landlord, “‘ If barley and wheat doesn’t pay, Railway and Sociel Synonyms. Turn ploughland to grassland, and cultivate hay.” ’ Traction Engines.—Too many Girls of the Period. Bat I thiak of the days which won’ $ come back again, fale 7 om — Most Marriage Processions at St. George's, en a farmer cou a rice for ain; When taxes and rates were what folk poe d eed. - ‘Continuous B volo The » senalte ¢ loteing dan eee And we didn’t build schools just to please the School-Board. Shun j dane a Biding.—F Tu ilias when Baby appears. I know what I ’ll do, I ’ll just pack up my kit, Sell my stock to my landlord, give A na quit, And take children aa wife—(though perhaps they won’t come)— The Statue of Livingstone. Across the Atlantic to seek a new home. Unveiled in St. Georges Square, Glasgow. Yea; I'm off, bag end bagsege! I’m tired o’ taxation, Wit the dead marble make him wider known ; ree-trade, strikes, and unions, and co-operation. Or can it longer live than Livisestons ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Marcu 29, 1879, Uh Wf. li 4 I : / tis M Hy “ f . }} h "4 byt / f / ia | 7 ft I / i fi Ui i | a A lt a Tif YP =. AESTHETIC DISENCHANTMENTS. LecY HAS POSED THE LITTLE Rustic MopeL, AND Mary, Mavup, AND MADELINE SIT, PENCIL IN HAND, READY TO CATCH AND TRANSFER TO PAPER THE CHILD’s EXPRESSION OF WONDERMENT AND DELIGHT AS IT LISTENS, FOR THE First Time IN ITS LIFE, TO THE Murmur oF THE SHELL. Lucy. “Now, Dar.ine, put THE Paetry SHELL TO youR EAR, AND HARK TO WHAT IT saYs!” Rustic Model. “*Lon! 18 PHaT ALL! Way, Aa Beer-Jv@ can vo rHar!” THE OLD SWORD. I titrLe thought to take you down, old Sword, from well-earned rest, Under the brave old banner, beside the old ‘‘ back and breast ”’— Weapons at once and trophies of well-fought fields of old, When hair was dark, and blood was hot, that now are grey and cold. There ’s your armour, my old Santate and comrade brave and true, With the dints of fight upon it, om | old days live anew, When side by side, and sword by sword, we smote their men of war, And drove Protection’s serried ranks before us fast and far. The Free Trade flag above our heads, our good blades strong of sway, That through the foemen’s fence and force sheared on their forth- right way, Bore down their facts and s, and their fallacies clave through, And o’er the strong set up weak, and o’er the false the true. Till their Captains called a parley, and their garrisons gave in, And through the land there seemed for us no victor left to win ; And when the t Chief, that had led their battles long, came round, And was proud to wear our colours, and took up our fighting ground— And when not only England through, but far across the sea, All used our watchwords, flew our flag, and swore our men to be, No wonder that we deemed our cause was won, our warfare o’er, And no need to buckle breast-plate, or handle broadsword more ! But lo, now the malignants lift up their heads again I always said the serpents were only scotched not slain. Hark! far and near their hiss I hear, their rattle sounds afar ; They have hoarded up their venom, and their cry again is war. And he is gone, my Captain, my comrade true and tried, That with me bore debate of those battles side by side, And he, too, the great Chieftain, that to our cause camein, | While still was many a stroke to strike, and many a hold to win. And I am left alone, and old, and my blood keeps no more The hot and heady current that it kept in days of yore; The sword is sharp as ever, but the arm is not the same ‘ That through the foemen’s thickest cloud let daylight where it came. But old or young, and strong or weak, for the fight I still am fain ; And my sharp sword, clear*of rust and dust, in front shall gleam in, While Tae are lies to level and fallacies to floor,— Up, fair old flag! out, brave old blade!—our warfare was not o’er. The Ends of Cremation. Tue deputation of the Council of the Cremation Society that bespoke the Home Secretaxy, the other day, on behalf of the process which they propose to substitute for interment, informed the Right Honourable Gentleman that their objects were purely sanitary, social, and scientific. A suitable legend, therefore, for the Crema- tionists would be the ‘‘ Three 8’s.” Tempora Mutantur. Wrrs tilt and tourney Kings of old Graced cities on their journeys ; But now see Belgium’s + enro In Turners’ ranks—not tourneys’ ! WUT FOR SCOTCH WAGS. Some call the Law of Hypothee the Scottish Lien. Should it not rather be called the Scottish Bore ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Manrcn 29, 1879.

_— SASS [ih SOLS . Wie W S\N CN DIPLO LA AE a Mee MMO <4 Ks Ser ke Seat tISS OLSSLSS OP ao? SF e eee, ii fl 4 ; Pore Ay * NAY SAAN \ R ee , ‘ | NY SAAN - WMO} = = Ey vf{ ) f S\N WPL TIA , Y, ‘ La

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THE OLD SWORD.

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Marcu 29, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 141 INJYABLE INJIA; OR, NOTES AND SKETCHES OF A SPECIALLY-COMMISSIONED ARTIST. By FUZZELI PRINCEPS. CHapter I, 7% “yy oa tht; *R\. Introductory. How the Artist-Author was summoned to the great work. O my surp one mcrning 4 perfect unexpect- edl looked in and said, ‘‘ Go to India!” With that ready wit for which I am socially celebrated, I replied, at once “Go to Jericho!”’ And | turned round in bed, and closed my eyes. _The unexpected gentleman did not instantly quit m a ent, but what sounded to me like a bg command: ‘Go to = !” I sat bolt up in Do you mean it?” I asked, just giving a side- glance to see what was handy . “ to throw at him, in the way of a bootjack or slippers, should he reply, in the negative. ** Mean it!” heexclaimed. ‘“ g bless you, I come voice, and ounced a name that from——” Here he lowered his ; JI never hear without taking off | hat (if on) and bowing profoundly. When my hat is not on, I act as the inspiration the moment may suggest. In this instance I had not got my hat on—a statement which, without going into details, will not rise the majority of my readers. ‘* Go to India,” he repeated, “‘ and paint everybody.” “‘ What colour?” I asked, gradually awaking to a sense of the reality of the situation, f and attempting to evince the liveliest interest in his communication. ** Any colour you like,” he returned, ‘‘ provided you show they are not so black as they ’ve been hitherto painted.’ ** Yours to command! ”’ I replied. But here I pulled myself together, for I was very nearly d ing off to sleep again— and, indeed, I had been up late at the Rumpsteak Club the ‘ai t , Ho and wasn’t quite myself, though very little of anybody else. However, as together, and asked, Why to India ?”’ “ ee *ve said, I pulled myself use,” answered the Envoy Extraordinary, ‘' you'll find plenty of vor there.” ** Yes,” I returned, my ready wit as bright and bubbling as ever, ay ot be my subjects. There must not be an Imperium : 10°30 a.m. and I had been sparkling up to five—‘‘ Yes. I shall find loyal and Imperial subjects. But in Imperw.” cann felt sure of this quotation, and made it boldly. It awed him, although his name— Prefatial Note by Editor.—The Editor has great pleasure in announcing to the Public that he the sole right ; of publishing, under the above admirable title, a series of most deeply in‘ pepers, illustrated by sketches, taken on the spot, by a gentleman most eminent in the Liters Artistic world, who, under another non de plume, did India during the Prince’s visit, “went for’’ STANLEY across the Keep-it-Dark Continent. The Editor has the Author’s assurance— ought to go for a good deal, as he has never met anyone with a greater amount of that quality—that these — 1 India, oe Poreety independent of a book recently published im one imperial r Vat P The Edit k this, ha Ge toe cee : the similarity - Vau Prinszep. The or took great pains to ascertain this, of the title and the name of the Author, whieh he is positively informed is the merest wistidonse which I mustn’t mention here in full—did in with a big big B. : _“ You will have a number of Commis- sions,” he went on. “Ah” I ried, overjo ed, with the ponent, or the Army ways been the eam of my youth, and my os ~~ in life, quite lately, has been, that, somehow or other, I have unconsciously the age of admission to pass unnoticed. Great carelessness on m U ble ceelaet” Beh de, nova the Veupesten Envoy was dazzling me with the prospect of Commissions—not one, but_several—so that I might be in the Light Horse, Dark orse, Mounted Rifles, Infantry ay —anything—all at once, and deeply attach to every staff—then, my heart bounded within me, and holding the bed-clothes tight up to my throat, so as not to catch cold, I inquired, “And to how many uniforms shall I be entitled ?” the to find sitting up rather cold to the back. * And when will you go?” he asked. **As soon as possible,” I replied, ‘if you ’ll have the to clear out.” “Good!” he said. Then ptelly re- opening, the door, to put in his h , he wu — ing You wt pt India ?” see eed at as, suiti e e from +" a ee ae ak ene t into =e ee ereve deep b teen b —which I have lately had fitted up at the end of the bed- room in my new house. And there I splashed about with a “three-man beetle” power. For with my treble qualifications—Painting, Literature, and the Drama—and my bass voice, I am as geet as three single gentlemen rolled into one. I am big-hearted and broad- shouldered. I am a jolly companion every bit of me ; and so I sing out, as I roll about my marble bath, and dive under the marble arch, and come up again like a Triton— Rub a dub dub! Three men in a tub! The Dramatist, Painter, and Jolly Bookmaker ! And if I could make a book on the Derby, why not on the Durbar? So, with another and a dash, out I come like Pheb Sun-god, beaming after the thunders o a tempest. Then turned to with my towels; while one of my valets, who is always on the alert ‘or this particular moment, ee me my coffee and buttered muffins; whi in due course, my other fellow—both y well trained—followed with my pipe—the r,” as I always say to any ‘‘judicious Hooker,” as I alway to appreciative friend who has never heard the joke before. “* Yes,’ I murmured to myself as I sat on my divan—I always sit on my divan after my dice-in—(thie sets a table in a roar—warranted si litter) —“' Yes, my boy” (to myself) “ you will go to India, whats fe ‘der yer from going *ve tried cido-eplittes fifty in different places and it has never once I was dressed in may, Velveb sperm tareiog|ing, lounging-auit, I found the Envoy expect me so soon, and having got my box © Note to Editor —No extra charge for classical all ‘Baitor (to F. P.).—AMN right. Like’em. Not too many.— Yours, Ep. th ER ee. 475 oe ae are res os £ Fak ae Ge “aoe I “ ns “ poi ere as

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first of April. The subject for the Evolutionary Prize is ‘‘ The Nursery Rhymes of the Early Runic Races.” Candidates will be expected to have written not less than two works of European reputation on the Archeology of the Prehistoric Period, and must not have exceeded their seven- teenth term of residence. of Practical Mythology will continue his The us Professor of course of tures on“ The Domestic Arrangements of the Demi-

gods,” immediately after the commencement of the approaching | term. m one of my | The Vice-Chancellor’s Prize for a Poem in Tamul, subject ‘‘ Twixt |W and Woes ; or the ——— Suttee,” open to H of Houses, has been awarded to himse At the Congregation on Thursday next, a Grace will be offered for the appointment of a Syndicate to consider the advisability of making a six months’ residence in the immediate neighbourhood of Stonehenge, and a thorough familiarity with the administrative sys- tem and ceremonial of the Druidie Church compulsory on all candi- dates for Honours in the British History Tripos The Examination for the ancient Egyptian light-literature Tri ee on oF = November —~ % a - cop! apyri, ule images, and other ustrative prom ged be left at the Senate House not later than the com- mencement of the Dog-days.

QUEEN’S PARDON. (To Witt1am Hasnron, March 17, 1879.) True Justice. ‘‘ Queen’s Pardon!” What do these words signify ? Legal Justice. Mere form,—a pardon from the QUEEN. True Justice. Indeed ! What signifies a pardon from the QuEEN re To - who’ P: innocent ? Teh P ga safle in explanation). — "Tis her _—_ ve To temper justice with the balm dua True Justice ehncignantiy)- Nay! here’s no cy Cnguing justice.” BRON la Condemned unjustly, —what yon call ‘‘ Queen’s Pardon” Is mg eg for In me Queen, Witnesses, Judge, capa alike, Need ‘‘ Hapron’s Pardon” for this fearful wrong!

COLONISTS AND CAFFRES. A PANIC to have been opsltel of at Natal by the soopeet of 0 pooable & u invasion. It is to be wished thatthe peo o Natal had the proper spirit and ability to defend their

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Marcu 29, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 143

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pronounce it excellent. Upon which Mostayy Dicxre— really highly pleased with our verdict, and who would |

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144 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marc 29, 1879. back his Cook against any in England—assumes an air of astonish- ment and pity, and says, “‘ Well, I don’t know. I hope it’s all right. But sometimes it’s too hot, and sometimes it’s too cold; and one evening it’s flavoured with this, and then with that—I can never depend on her. That’s where it is,” he concludes, with sad and solemn emphasis; “ I can merer depend on her.” With which melancholy confession he sets himself steadily to his soup, with the air of a man nobly determined to fulfil an unpleasant duty; and drain the cup of misery, so to speak, to the last ,—which in fact he does, not leaving a d in the plate, which he pushes violently away from him, with an air of almost utter abhorrence of the thing before him, and giving vent to an “Ah!” expressive of the dee disgust, he drinks off a glass of sherry in a twinkling, as though to take a nasty taste out of his mouth as soon as ible, throws him- self back in his chair, and looks round in a defiant manner, as though saying, ‘‘ Come what come may, I’m ready for it, whatever it is!” THE LORDS ON—NOT IN—LIQUOR. OBER asa Lord”’ should now take the place of ‘ Drunk as a Lord,” to judge by the Report of their Lord- ships’ Committee on In- temperance, which is as temperate as Temperance orators and Temperance plans, projects, and propo- sals are apt to be the re- verse. If all the friends of sobriety were.as sober in their utterances—if they marshalled their evidence as fully and fairly, and considered their recom- mendations as carefully as the Lords’ Committee seem to have done—Permissive Bills would be nearer pass- ing into Acts, Sir WitrRIp’s Millennium would be more within reach, and Bands of Hope nearer the heaven of that still deferred hope— . a sober community—than they are now. : Among other recommen- dations of their Lordships’ Committee, the most noticeable is a very decided one of the Swedish system, as modified by Mr. CoamBeRtarn. Municipalities are to be empowered to acquire “In the manner poetet by the Artisans and Labourers’ Dwellings Acts, 1871, the freehold of all licensed premises within their respective districts ; and, to purchase by agreement, the existing interest of present licence- holders in leases, goodwill, stock, and fixtures; to carry on the trade for the convenience and on behalf of the inhabitants, but so that no individual shall have any pecuniary interest in, or derive.any profit from, the sale of intoxi- cating liquors ; to borrow for this purpose on the security of the rates, and to carry all profits, after providing for interest and sinking fund, to the credit of the education-rate and the poor-rate in equal proportions. The powers of licensing justices to grant licences to cease on the adoption of the scheme by the town council.” The Birmingham Town Council has shown its willingness to adopt this scheme by 40 to 10. It has been unanimously approved by the Board of Guardians—120 gentlemen in all, ting a popula- tion of 400,000. The advantages claimed for the plan are :— “1. The control of the local authority over the issue of licences. “2. A great diminution in the number of public-houses and an improve- ment in their convenience, healthiness, and man t. “3. By the provisoes that no individual should derive any profit from the sale of intoxicating drinks, and that the should keep a supply of food, tea, coffee, and other refreshments, it is hoped that the present drinking- houses might gradually assume the character of eating-houses and workmen’s clubs—places of harm resort. “4. That sound and seasoned spirits, and light, wholesome beer, would be substituted for the raw, deleterious spirits and heavy, unwholesome beer, strongly c with alcohol, such as are now often supplied. “ 6. The elimination of the influence ef the publicans = civie elections. “6. As the net results of the change, a diminution in intem ce, & re- duction in crime and diserder, and a considerable balance of profit to be devoted to the relief of the local rates.” the experiment But even if only a tithe of these ings followed, pepe hedges A LA A il with faith to make the attempt. Here is Birmingham, bold as the brass in which she works, ready for the adventure. The old proverb says “‘one man oan take a horse to the water, but a hundred men can’t make him drink.” Here are a hundred and twenty men—Town Council and Guardians together—ready to take 400,000 men to the water, and to do their,sbest to make them leave off drinking. This would be another sort of an achievement from making them drink—which has hitherto come but too easy all England over. SCIENCE AT SEA. (A Dream after the Debate on the accident aboard the Thunderer.) “ What would probably occur in action? Is the safety of our sailors and the honour of our fiag to be trusted to appliances and machinery that fail even when worked in a quiet and leisurely manner ?’’— The Duke of Somerset in the House of Lords. Scene—An Iron Chamber in the interior of H.M.S. Incubus, pre- pared for action. British Admiral discovered at a table covered with scientific instruments, trying to ascertain the position of the enemy by tell-tales with the help of a of patent refracting and reflecting Siiy four fost Macowter . Superior Officer and Assistants in the dark working automatic electrical combina- tions of loading, aiming, and firing apparatus. British Admiral (rising). Yes, Gentlemen, it must be as I said. Something has evidently got in between a couple of the lenses—or a tarpaulin has, with culentie negligence, been over some of the revolving object-glasses—for I can see pothing., ‘ Superwr Officer. Just what happened last Wednesday, Sir. I’m afraid the patent isn’t of much use. British Admiral. I'm afraid not. And just now I should have liked to have known where we are. However, we can’t do any harm by opening fire. (Touches an ivory button. Several heavy preces of ordnance off simultaneously.) Ah! all right this morning! (Cheerfully.) Sounded as if every one of them spoke, didn’t it ? Superior Officer. 1 think so, Sir. British Admiral. What would not Netsow have given to have had such an armament as this under his orders! (The action continues ten wo A loud , ion is og s.) june me PM pan was sage fl Superior Officer. > ‘ udge by concussion, the two eighty-ton guns soudl en both burst together. a British Admiral. Very likely. Perhaps you had better inquire. What does the automatic communicator say ? , Superior Officer. Nothing. The dial hasn't indicated a word since the beginning of the action. It’s always serving us just the same nasty trick at practice. British Admiral. Very awkward—really; for if anything has gone wrong up-stairs, I should like to have sent them a word or two to cheer them a bit. Besides one ought to know what’s going on. (Another explosion occurs.) There—that sounds like another! (Nettled.) But who can learn anything down here ? Superior Officer. Perhaps these Gentlemen will be able to give us some information. The door is burst open. Enter a Foreign Admiral and attendant 0 cers. Foreign Admiral. With pleasure! The complications in the machinery of this gallant ship, which I have had the honour of ery enable me to claim it as the prize of war, and, at the same time to demand the sword of its distinguished commander. [ Bows. British Admiral (moved). Dear me! Who would have thought things had been going so badly! However, we have one gun left intact, and England never strikes her flag while she has a shot to send home, or a man to discharge it. Foreign Admiral. The sentiment is creditable; but what are sentiments when your electrical mechanism is defective! It is true I have come in a little wooden gunboat, with one old-fashioned 32-pounder. Still, it can be fired. While your two-hundred pounders, with their automata and their hydraulics—— British Admiral. I see it all. The rammer refuses to work, the recoil was defective, and the sponge did not wash clean. There is nothing left but to strike our flag! Take her—she is yours! Hands over his sword and what is left of H.M.S. ‘‘Incubus”’ to the Foreign Admiral, as Curtain falls. Port v. Phylloxera. Tux devastations of the Phyllozera in the vineyards of Portugal are said to threaten to put an end altogether to the production of port wine. Whatever they do, they won’t do that, we will be sworn. The Phyllozera may destroy all the Portuguese vines, but Punch will take odds there is still as much port supplied in England as there is a demand for. Toast Wire Tra (for Total Abstainers).—‘‘The Phyllozera vastatriz '” £@ To Courzsronpunts.— The Editor does not hold himadf bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. should be kept.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Apri 5, 1879.] CHARIVARI. 145

x

*"ARRY ON THE ’IGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN. Dear CHARLIE, F I’ down in the doldrums ; orn, bin landed, my boy, and no kid. ‘\ Never thought to be bowled out so clean iA by a petticoat, blowed if I did. “Me as done the Don Juan ;erutken a 4, 3 Ladies’ Man down to ground, <= Who could boast of as — | ‘our tunes as any big Sw round !

You remember my mentioning Loo, ’er as fadded on pictures and th ? im), Well, I wasn’t much took with the Lady at fust, thought her rayther a flat ; But, yer see, toddlin’ round with a gal songe leads to the old sort o’ unes, | And, by time she was ready for home. He on to feel precious like spoons. Thinks I—‘‘She has bees in ’er bon- net, of that there is not the doubt, ’ But when she is once fairly spliced, all iilicesense ene aan te teal mut out. She is pooty, her gaffer ’s got tin—mine’s dead nuts on the notion. Here goes!” Yus, that’s jest ’ow J argued the matter, and that’s ’ow I came to perpose. I felt certain she’d jump at me, CHARLTIE— only come once in a But she o her option and skews her pi ps in a rum sort of —_- ‘* Why,’ x,” she sez, *' I shan’t suit you ; a barmaid is more in your way ; I haven’t a taste you can share, and can’t understand half what you say. I thought she was larking, in course, and so tipping my knowingest wink, Tried a kiss—but it didn’t come off ; s’help me, tae the gal seemed to shrink, Jest as if I was something umpleasant,—me, Cuariiz, the pet o’ the fair, With my handkercher smothered in musk, and fresh lemon-pommade on my ‘air ! Yus, she give me the mitten; and why? Jest becos—so I learnt from my dad— I was not educated enough, but too much of the loud Cockney Cad ; Hadn’t neither good semse nor ecling, was spoilt by cheap scorn and low And—but there, that’s enough of ’er ret. I ’aye done with ’er—let ’er go ’ang! Redikulus, my boy, ain’t it? And no doubt you ’ll be tempted to larf; But I tell o boy, these ’ere women is getting too uppish by arf. Education ’s the cuss o’ these times; real s gits shoved to the wall ; And if gals is to go in for learning, we soon shan’t be in it at all. ucation? Yahbah! What the doose do we want with yer Science and Art? right thing to do with a kid is to bring him up leary and smart. If a chap knows his way about town, and can balance his betting-book well, Mathemattieks and Jography ’s rot he may leave to the Sap and the Swell. As for gals, too much knowledge jest spiles’em. You teach a mere moke Park- ack paces, And then put the brute in a barrer; it’s bound to kick over the traces. And so, if we men let the women go stuflin’ their brain-pans, you’ll see They ’ll round on us, Cagis, theyll round on us, jest as that Loo did on me. I see it a comin’, my pippin, yer Girtons, and Art Schools, and such, Teach the women to take the men’s measure, and that’s jest a trifle too much. Education has spiled all our servants, and now if our sisters and wives Gets too fine for the fireside and faggin’ we shan’t have no peace of our lives. I don’t want a wife as can paint, or pick ’oles in my grammar ; no fear! But one as can a ter and keep in her own proper spheer. A gal as ull larf at my jokes and look up tome. Yes, if I marry, It shan’t be a Loo bya lens way—confound her! : Yours shirtily, *ARRY.

A Smasher. Tue Cobden Club is said to be ging to publish a letter written by Sir Louis Matter to Mr. T. B. Porrer, M.P., on “‘ Reciprocity ”’—of course in tion of that economical heresy. If this letter prove worthy of the writer’s| Liberal name, it will be a regular smasher for the Reciprocitarians, and Sir Lovis - ~° will have oy yy ~i 9 as s malleus ne ge g ne procity might ost said to synonymous with pugilism ; but someecenng nations counter with commodities instead of blows, be erry tion involved in it is, at worst, an erroneous theory of the noble art of self OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. To draw the attention of the Theatre-going Public to what is going to happen at the Haymarket Theatre on the afternoon of April 9th. I’ve not got anythi ag to say about theatres this week, except to recommend performance of The Hunch- back at the Adelphi, where, on Saturdays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, when Mr. Henry Nevite plays Master Walter, Mr. Vezrtn plays Sir Thomas Clifford, and on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, when Mr. Neviie plays Sir Thomas Clifford, Mr. Veztw plays Master ‘alter. Like Box and Cox, Mr. Vezun ( ost is always going up stairs w NEvILLE (Cor) is coming or coming down when Mr. Nevriiie (Coz) is go a. ible o ity that this has not been exten to the er of the cast, Mr. Frocxron playin Mr. Hancovrr played Lord Tinsel, an M i @ Miss - ye ‘OOTE exchanging len for New KyowLzs’s stueco-Shakespearian play is thoroughly , not on account of its theatrical miner bas ti tine of holapianel, ba be make od te never has u reason of its og bt on im the scenes + Aeon Modus natural ont Gis tastan “gh Ueete mgulce very acllscky Landlta, <de crammed to FA Rig omy = ie ’ again ese epee, the pit writhed and the gallery laughed. an, nd And there is more life in A ord there is in many a better play. my medias post Ie writing at all this week is to one ever taken any pleasure in the “ Annuals” to assist at a special morning soos Given ot the Haymarket, Wednesday, way of testimonial to : i CHARD, who, besides furnishing Drur a pantomime for the last—well, I am afrai years—has to say how been writing about plays, play-writers, and actors for nearly half a century, ‘* Compeliled by love of Art to damn a play, Has ever deteaed is tu the kdeedowt wy He has always detested the sin, but loved the sinner ° and while, most y, suffering pecuniary loss, he has rather chosen to argue hopefully rom the certain- ties of the past to the probabilities of the future, than should have received substantial met wii e ions of gratitude. itr. J. 8. Crarke gives the Haymarket Theatre for the occasion. Lord Lyrron’s Money will be the play, with a very strong cast, and in the Club scene the Club mem- bers will be represented by literary and dramatic cele- brities. Mr. Sanriey and Miss Poorer are to sing, and Miss Nerison is to recite. Mr. CHARD, will not ‘‘a meeting like this make amends”? I hope so. The good old fashion of “ Author’s Nights” is exploded—three of them brought Goxpsmitu £500 for She Stoops to Conquer, and £400 for The Good-natured Man—a custom, to my mind, not more honoured in the breach than in the observance, but one which might advantageously (for the Authors) be revived. Let this at the Haymarket be the thin end of the wedge. Instead of ** Author’s Nights” let us have ‘‘ Author’s Mornings” or ‘ Author’s Afternoons”; and then, in- stead of its being, as some might have thought, ‘‘a custom more honoured in the breach than in the ob- servance,” it would be ‘“‘his (the Author’s) custom always of an afternoon”—and so, with thanks to th Divine WiiL1AMs for both quotations, I am, Sir, Your Representative.

AN EXTRA-PARLIAMENTARY OBSTRUCTIONIST. -. cpaaens Mr. na ay Caneorreltve, summpenst the ayor rmingham for having m turned out o the Town Hall because he i in interrupting a there. What is Mr. Ancuitus? Jnudg- ing by his name, a little bow with a Conservative bent.

FOR THE Cotp Weatuex.—Jonw But with

CostuMED his Cape on his back!

VOL. LXXVI, 9°

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er ES Te! i i PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Apri 5, 1879. PUNCH’S ACCOUNT OF THE BOAT-RACE——WARRANTED. manifestly be incomplete without some description of the aquatic contest of the Rival Blues. Unfortunately, however, from circum- stances over which even the Sage of Sages has no control the account has to be anticipatory. Mr. Punch |is, therefore, forced to content himself and his readers with a mere sketch of the ‘‘ event,” which can be filled in according to fancy. Perhaps when the race is rowed, the report emanating from 85, Fleet Street, will be found about as novel, as vivid, and as instructive as the records published by most of Mr. P.’s illustrious contemporaries. Fut Descriptive, &c., &c., Account oF THE Great, &c., &c. (By Mr. Punch’s Own Special,’ §e., §c.) At an early hour London woke in a fever 0.,,excitement, &c., &c., to welcome the day sacred to, &c., &e. The’ Blue Riband of the A Nomaer of Punch published during the Boat-Race week would SN LS

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Aprit 5, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. fae ia Hi] in { / qe Hh ma A. 7 rT i, ‘ Hi Als 4 aT) sy They We \ NN vi 1) ) At nl Te OES »ancapen = ae i LAN y y Mh wend] i - | sf “1 nN ‘4 THE MARRIAGE MARKET. Old ’Bus-Driver. ‘‘ Now, THERE’s A LOT 0’ Nick GIRLs IN THIS ’OUSE ’ERE 0’ THE OFF sIDE, Sin. Tauern "MA DRESSES ’EM OUT, THEIR ’PA DRIVES ’EM OUT, AND | BRINGS "EM DOWN YOUNG MEN OF A SUNDAY, YOU SEE, AND YET THEY DON’T SEEM TO GO OFF, SOMEHOW !”’ Thames has always been the pride, &c., &c. No better proof could| Off the Soap Made &c., &c. At Hammersmith Bridge, &., &c. be found of the inherent manhood of the English aristocracy than | Before the leading eight arrived at Chiswick, &c., &c. Here a small that afforded by the fact Sat 4 young athletes of her great | boat, &c., &c. In ym &c., &c. But they soon, &e., &c. Under old Sister Universities shoul , &e. It has been said that the Barnes Bridge Tey Mee &e. Here the stroke of the, &e., &c. made ht ‘ex is neglected —_ the Fy tubbing, &c., &c. On| one, &e., &e. Mortlake Reach, &c., &c. It was very generally the o statistics Bueve, & c. Because a man can be the remarked, &e. 2. A veteran, &e., &e. Then, as the os = teak Stroke Oar of his University Ei ht, - the Captain of his College | dashed past the Ship, wf = &e., ” and the all- neat oven of Eleven, that is no reason why » should not, &c., &e. So the| the day was decided, The banks of the river, so crowded captious critics Fm cry down muscle as the natural an nist of | an hour ago, &c. brain may ite -» &e. OLIvER CROMWELL, om &c. Sir Watrer| There was Lo ey &c.,&c. Blue flag waving, &ce., RALgIen, &e. So the bookish cynic ma &c. Old England | &c. University Boat-Race of 1879 was « feature of the past, &c.,, is proud of the thews and sinews of Y oung yates & d, &e., &e. &e., had another leaf to her laurels ! At any rate London had no scruples, omy as the morning broke ont f= ear a &e., &c. Those who ‘could snatch a ree f e of ours, k&e., &c. Of course the Ladies muste er ond rete pee hy +t Onfond Teneatne’ PROJECTS SUBMITTED TO PUNCH, onde sisters with brothers up at Oxford, or mat h a ; “ : on cousins at Cambridge, may have regretted, &c., &e. But (Political, Protectional, Philanthropic, and Pedagogic.) for all this, ha &e., and their eyes, &c., &c., merry laughter, &c.,|_ 1. Prosecr for giving popular novelists gratuitous instruction &e, Even the Houses of the Legislature, &e. ., &c. Here was one | in French and Music. who, &e., &c. Near him his great rival, &c., &e. Happy for a| 2. Project for the extermination of all the savage tribes bordering day, the ‘thought-worn, &c., &c., who can, &c., &c. Happily the| upon the ne pate of the British Empire, and their subse- youn contests of St. Stephen’ s do not clash with the ei e at, | nent civilisation by the introduction of Christianity and clothing. &c. The intelligent forei me may have lifted up his hands 8. Project for a universal method by which teachers may be taught in catenlhenens as he noticed, , honour and st , &e., | to teach, as soon as an agreement can be arrived at by the projectors, ye manhood and muscle, &c., ke, "ola ing- -fields of Eton, ., &e., whether the capital to be raised for the method shall be invested, Waterloo, British Empire, &e. “a re river itself Nw &e., &e. a) In assorted canes and birches, or, the ‘pol of all sizes, &c., &e, The a of y 7 ke. ’ But In moral influence tracts. police are never 80 popular as when, &c., Before the hour| 4. Project for cmpeene railway companies to invent a system of op ~ 7 for, &c., &e., a clear course was, _ &e. It wn = motion at an incaleulable iy moe cogyite « being at once ttle instructive ey es . o. ie"; loving people 7. checked bey means of an ew gre eeee 6, void human etn yp c., &c., but, &e., &c., the Home 0: hat | liability fatigue or oversight. aes ei ty. tion and the Wonder of the World! 5. Project to maintain the belance of wealth the pockets The critical moment now, &c., &c. A boat had been moored, &e., of. fools who hope to make money with oy p foe shut, from the &e. The usual a Geen om, ke. &e. Then, in the solemn hush | pockets of fools who have no objection to lose mone with their eyes of, a an ~ gy oy x cam, SoS x. The be at,” &e., &e. Com badge =| oe enere st a Commercial Failure - c., &e, ~ athletes, &e., Ke y- pi tal, eighteen millions, wi a Ca! y devieed Seanl ies, ma Be. &c. There was but one opinion, &c., ery for making away with assets and destroying dividends.

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¢, at . * pork mee 7 . ae 2 148 6. Project for clothing the Negro races out of their own wool, and at the same time creating a new Negroes to be driven down to the coast, The wool to be brought to England, woven, made up into dress-suits, returned to Africa, an sold to the Economies.—(1) In cost of raw material; (2) in cost of trans- port from the interior to the seaboard ; (3) in cost of dye, Pree raw material is of a natural, agreeable, and fast coLour, —-- Advance pe pe fhe ary ination of the the nether integuments which are its hig expression ; (4) revival of woollen trade and manufacture. 7. Project for a company to do everybody else’s business. manufacture. ways of the vessels, | Negroes. —=—_— a= INJYABLE INJIA; oR, Nores AND Sxercwes or A Spreratty-Colimtsstonen Antist. BY FUZZELI PRINCEPS. Cuaprer IL How the Specially- Commissioned and how every one heard the Adventure. Instructions and went off, Arrival in India— ou understand your’ mis- sion?” said the Envoy Ex- traordinary, closely seru- tinising my jovial and in- telligent eoun- tenance. I replied, slowly puffing kt. fragrant Khutti. By a mere coinci- dence I was e pire is to be roclaimed,”’ “ And with the means at your sketch-book and box of paints) ‘‘ you will have ties of ascertaining the sentiments of the ‘‘ You wish me to drat the natives,” I remarked, quietly. This sent him into convulsions. On his recovery, I continued— disposal ” (here he peiated to my e opportuni erally.” “I cheerfully accept the mission. In the service of my fopetial Sovereign toil is a pleasure. Hitherto I h of 7 natives, henceforth I AS —, their heaton? en rere And once more he was ith such writhings of laughter that ! thought there wouldn’t have been a single pe left roy Court suit. In brief, I arranged terms, to which, as a matter of delicacy, I make no further allusion here, except to say that there was no *’ promotion money,” and that if I am consoled with a baraintey, it will be nothing more than is absolutely due to me; and if PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _ The and sheared at the hatch-| should choose “ Perfectly,” | I ed. | some play or other, that “no offence will be am not, I shall be compelled to mabe the whole affair public, and ask | wheth f-it’s to be an Indian title, I | er I have been justly treated. [Aprit 5, 1879, to be Sir Rit Jam Juottysuoy, of Punpore. Motto | “ Sikh Transit.” But to return—or rather to proceed. The terms were — | was | so much down on starting, and so much a head afterwards. not to be limited as to ole Of course, not for one moment did I expect that any difficulty would ever be raised on a point involv- ing my character for honesty and veracity, or I sho gone man, whose word is his bond, is called out,—noblesse oblige,—he must go! ne - S, Bat I went. ‘ my departure from : y ot Beelish hi London will always be remembered annals mang og es to round to bid me farewell. ‘Then signal was given, there was one ‘or from someone in the crowd who had fainted—(poor !)\—I could not stop to inquire. I was away! f “ India ’s mine oyster,” I said to myself—(not a bad audience for and I'll astonish the Native in his little bed.” hliged to spat of mjvclf, the reader will Lindly forgive whet ie i to myself, the reader will ki ive what is almost a necessity laid on me by the nature of ease. I deter- mined to keep a journal, but finding I couldn’t keep it, I sent it the bells rang out merril co away, week by week, to a friend in town, from whom I expected to receive it entire on my return. Ah! that friend! a: ge: I ut on bein came back, he denied ever a received it at all! informed that a reward would be given for its discovery, he foun it hi in a secret drawer, and consented to deliver it to my agent, on condition—first, of my paying the postage, which he declared I had invariably omitted; secondly, of my reimbursing him for his trouble in reading and correcting it; thirdly, for its house-room ; fourthly, the wages of an extra mam and a boy kept in his house for early a year, who had to take it by turns to sit up all night, so as at miss a post from India ; and y; 80 ing for himself. agent agreed to these terms, and my own M8. onee more came into mry possession. The reader will find here no thrilling adventures of the chace— though I was more run after than any ishman who ever set foot on Indian soil—and but few camel’s-hairbreadth escapes by flood and field ; though, let me say, in all humility, that what the reader will find here, of this kind of thing, is far more exciting than the narratives of the most daring travellers, and—n I add ?—infi- nitely more trustworthy. Penn went to America—Pencri went to India. rst was a Quaker; the latter never gee in his life. I am a jolly fellow, a good fellow, a kind, noble, Ss oat lion-hearted ! I have been trained like the hardy Norseman, whose house of yore was on the stormy sea; and there are few things I cannot do oy well, though 1 must apologise for ae these apparently unimportant Yet, if J don’t, who will Not to dwell on personal matters, needlessly, I will simply say that have seen more of India than any one man ever yet saw who was unable to be in more than two places at once, or who d not avail himself of such opportunities as were offered to me of seeing double. Quod scribblesi, scribblesi—and the terse, emphatic, hearty, im- sreive, familiar, idiomatic English of my jovial Journal in Injyable Injia, the oee ey find, as it leaves me at present, un . time, unpolis y touching-up, unpretentious, un ing. If, in telling tales out of school—in my time we were whi for telling tales ) Men ey gang uld have a om s— , | say, in doing this ave utwittingly offended anybody, no matter who She be or He be—(a cup of nectar, Hebe, and forgive yours truly)—I humbly apologise, and , a8 somebody says in taken where none was ever intended.’ If I have told how the Rajah of Hellebore poisoned two of his his kind uncle, and a few relations one epg at fast, and how, subsequently, he himself died of lau the effect of the practical joke on your humble servant (who was unwell for a week afterwards), I have merely repeated what came under my own observation, and what was freely talked about in the society I frequented. Such thi as these are not of rare occurrence, and are scarcely consid asecret. However, should this Journal reach the Rajah’s eyes—bless ’em!—I hereby apologise and hope he won’t mind. He has a strong sense of humour, and no ome ever enjoyed ry | jokes more the Rajah of He ‘ In the meantime, when he finds that some of his practical jokes ha been made public, he may be encouraged to attempt a more darin flight of humorous fancy, which may bring him under the notice of the Imperial Government. at Ba y, the | despairing shrick—whether from | | never have | | However, I had been summoned, and when a brave man, and a | history, whenever they come to be written | ious to entering the train, and | e guards and porters, who crowded |

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Apri 5, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 149 I have hesitated to print some of these funny stories, of which the above is a specimen, as many of them—such as roasting Nizam’s Grandmother, getting up a match between a Begum and : tengal Tiger, to amuse me as a visitor, and so forth—were with the best idored a intentions, and my mentioning them might be considered a breach of Sef If it is, beg wt but I am not going don’t care ! As to mys Butt said a Sut ie an if you have Black Draugh into pecan pe and made two tale But ring the bell. Up goes curtain, and discovers Cousin Dick’s Diary. First Day in India,—H He calls me Jholi Sahib. I understa’ back again to India, and I I choose Rg leases me, and that’s enough. remain in Indi ia and be their Dra VN : me do not es te to interfere with native talent ; my him thet I feel ral Out early with Sheik Err, the well-known x key-driver. h very good eating) thing else, t at stuffed, might be of service me as a model. Of course to what use I ma put it, whether as a model, or as an day depends on the stuffin 3 AM Shot a rajpoot, Rumi cooked it, and— confound him!—Rvumm1 ate it. Evidently conscious of having done something wrong, Rummr disappeared. Epigram on this oeeasion— Rumi cook’d it, Ate it, hook’d it. After breakfast, walked about India looking for Rowr. a raypoot. Here it is :— This is a mere sketch, but, 7 I Ae not — | be an ay i well aa ea difficult to anything by aa =. ANSDELL to we gt it. Nearly killed af £ natives, in con Rouwo1’s beving ene “dhuet, every- where ting me out as “the man who shot the r Ag | it ge is the e Ny iar, but dad: wt in India. Explained matters to them, but did not dare tell them that Rumi had eaten it. the furious populace by _ them 4 he afterwards informed me) by vide jm my and he was my aeons ey held zeal so that it was pt age t rot fap people, who wanted to shut me up in a sort of cage until they had built a temple i in my henand-ediieaen knows my honour’s large eno for the structure—and wished to institute a new form of yom ip. Rumi promised he would bring me back at some future ate. phrases tlle 5 unbearable here at present, owing to all the little Indian boys | about crying out, ‘‘ Who shot the rajpoot?” Made friends with Kua, and at midnight, having, at an enor- Sketched = 4U'; ah Raised Rumi's wages, and he pacified poten Ay in is pepeostitions reverence do to escape from the fanatical mous expense, secured a growlah (a vehicle with four wheels ond a c | horse), we left the town, and took Pikkah-Delhi At the last moment, I was very nearly betrayed, for the at the insisted on re what was in the hand with a handsome looking over the top of a sg” I hope have heard the last of that. First Day in India. ws aes des io Morveas Escape on the Road to “Wo koa THe Raspoor?” lneps this for the Academy, or exhibit it somewhere There ’s money in it, Everyone says so. kah-Deihi ! 1 ined tocnion at a shillin On to WHAT HAPPENED ON THE FIRST. ReEcRvUITING commenced for the poral Irish Brigade of Guards. Somebody started (voluntarily) a ae SPELGRAVE iocamapeneprnees to publish his Reed, The Witch Weirdley (in three By a we. at his own x meeting, tad entered into a Solemn League and Covenant to pure any hments within Pvp bw Ppa of the ay of Parliament until Home- Rule was conceded by the Government. The Khedive of Eoyrr ae that he had negotiated a fresh loan for a considerable 4 Tom Crovpsiey sent in ee eae , Picture" The Apotheosis of Gold” —(16 feet by 10) to the ow: Young Hastrmaw married on McSrorpies’s Bills for the oe oa eanediate su to both Houses arliament. , commenced his t the second time backwards. Bariskett) to give him his of Co- gas shares strengthened each other in the comforting belief that ictal lighting was an impossibility ; at least, in this generation. Dick WHEATEAR took a Fp gh de - co capital, indif- ferent lan and + pou Little Firrs pay oh the 6 tap) ext, and was induced to on plicats a bottle of Mlectaie Go! inel = T — Fiji =i Mill aol Met i averns, w- , et tan and Subertee (Lavender) Water Carts. “ sant Old Lawsvry instituted an action for the balance of a disputed account to £11 odd. Niwa, Nowa — and a good many more foolish girls and pain’ os oe, gave to beggars, became security, Serriete tundeh Whey Wad not tant), lent wmbeelice promises, ate and Sage too much, read polemical Divinity, grievance-letters to the papers, arranged for the publication of their Poems, and contri to Mr. Punch’s wasto-pepet basket.

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a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL a en a Se [Aprit 5, 1879, Wy, | A ill = MaeS.\ tijj tA « set INFORMAL A pple-Coster, ‘‘ HERE You ARE, GENTS ! youll, ee al ——- = : — a w/e YY SS - by ' 4 —* INTRODUCTIONS. ALL Four oF ’em SWEET AND FRESH AS CAN BE!” | SHALL SIR BARTLE HAVE A TESTIMONIAL? | As Mr. Punch can hardly doubt that the return to the bosom of | his country of Her Majesty’s enterprising High Commissioner in | South Africa (if it can only be brought about), deserves and will receive, whether spontaneously, or at the small end of the wedge | prompt and conspicuous commemoration at the hands of a reliev NV orld, a comforted Cabinet, and a grateful British Tax-payer, he would suggest an inscribed crorle on Wormwood Scrubbs, the Thames Embankment, Trafalgar Square, Whitehall Place, Clerken- well Green, or some other equally favourite national site. The following sketch of an inscription has been submitted to Mr. Punch by his Sixth Form Correspondent. If a little on the lines of a well-known classic model in the Abbey, it may, he hopes, be worth the consideration of any Committee who may take the matter up :— BARTLEI FRERE, PHILOSOPHI, PHILANTHROPI, PERCULSORIS, AUSTR.-AFRICANORUM GENTEM QUI NULLAM FERE NON TETIGIT, NULLAM QUAM TETIGIT NON TURBAVIT, SIVE FINES ESSENT MOVENDI, SIVE LEGES, PACTORUM CALLIDI ATQUE AUDACIS ENUCLEATORIS, INGENIO, IMPIGRI, IRACUNDO, INEXORABILI, ORATIONE, CONCITATA, TORRENTI, ORNATA, DOMUM REDITUM, EUROPA, ASIA, AFRICA, REQUIESCENTES, REMPUBLICAM GERENTES REMISSI, VECTIGALES BRITANNICI JUBILANTES, HOC MONUMENTO CONCELEBRAVERUNT. Cape W(n)uxve.—Lord Coetmsrorp’s despatch of the 9th of February. ed | named from being designed ‘‘for fixing A NEW LIGHT GUN. GENTLEMEN of the Gun Club, it may perhaps interest you to know that a French Captain, M. Vassex, has pro ,in La Nature, an idea, said to have been originally conceived by M. Margy, of a “photographic gun.” As you may suppose, this invention is so irds in their flight.” ‘** This gun, which is fitted with Bertscn’s automatic camera obscura, is actuated by means of a trigger, but this trigger, instead of the usual action, releases a rectangular sliding screen, which = around aperture in the centre to let the light pass, whilst it intercepts its two extremities. Should it be desired to produce at one operation a series of successive attitudes, the con- struction of a ‘ photographic revolver’ would offer no greater difficulty than the gun described. There, Gentlemen and Sportsmen, is a kind of gun by which me may be enabled to shoot live birds on the wing without urting them. You bring down their photographs, and not themselves, but of course it must require at least as steady and skilful an aim to photograph them as it does to shoot them, so that the sport is all the same; and as for the fair damsels who counte- nance your exploits by their charming presence, they would surely derive additional enjoyment from seeing you hit off the pretty pigeons without killing them. ** What’s in a Name?” indeed! Ir a Gentleman is unlucky enough to bear the name of ‘ Baxr- WELL,” he should really not write letters to the newspapers in advocacy of Cremation, or see the consequence! Punch’s obvious punsters will be set a-going, and the three extra waste-paper baskets will have to be put into requisition ! Do, Mr. BAKEWELL, have a little consideration, and recognise the obligations your name imposes upon you! By a Beasrty Otp Bacuetor.—A Married Man’s fate (in brief). —Hooked, Booked, Cooked.

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ae & SS ie. 9 “S owt Ree b , me ——e == : een ee a + = ee << eE

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Apriz 5, 1879.

“HOT PIES!” Master Bensamin. ‘‘ THANK YOU, NO MORE AT PRESENT! WE’VE QUITE AS MUCH AS WE CAN MANAGE, THANK YOU!!”

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| Aram 5, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL |

COX TO CREW. WEAPONS OF WAR. | oie . —\ — EADY now! § From some recent controversy in some of the news- > OSS N ys) YY iy/ now! Allin papers respecting the swords supplied to the British mee G4 //h sweeping stroke! valry, it appears that the steel scabbards of those Y Dash os \ eee wea are so ill ry dw ie olen of any awerd / away! Eight would very soon one 0 m through the Ui, paren keeping of douning Geadmeatan and sheathin it. But / Ewe so is, if, a ne Seat Cevels; pot / Jing- ! Swin ify. For that swor {/ “along! Hight blue is as good as any other could be. In //_. blades below the | the meanwhile, the sword of the British Cavalry soldier ee , rg lpi ge A Fgh) i , kiss- | it were a cu or ashillelagh. Improved swords an ing back, gurg-| scabbards as well seem to be needed in order that our Vp / ling, laughing go | bold troopers may smite their enemies with the edge of 1 the waves! the more effectually than they could with the Gf Giiding on, sliding | back of it. oe See weews ZN om the banks, in EGYPTIAN BONDS AND BONDSMEN. ip See reheat 7 \\

cans ir Mis- sitting by ! a state of destitution disgraceful to their hwy) ) |, Duty calls! Beauty laving them wr ‘/ Aiiecilll ! Make the : Maher #9 : "Pt So than that of the Russians. Talk of the flesh-pots <p With forward these hs pemantey of Eevst ee w= bv than one, under Egyptian Zz s bondage. may envy their fore- sweep along!’ | iathers beneath whose Pharaohs it was the Jews, and not Heads aloft, caps all doffed, bbe yourselves togeth« r, men / Daprtene Cates we eee wae, food of With a flash, on we dash! Even with your feather, men! ths Jeg. who rull #6 men “an ot. ane te titer Well done, Stroke! Bravo, Stroke! Call wees ’em nope & halliare to their owl h ad ’ One good spurt won’t much hurt, though backs and arms ache wearily, = 7 Water rough? Sure enough! What’s a little wetting, though ? Stiffish breeze? Better ease. If she gets upsetting though? Let her go! Better go to Davy’s locker pluckily ! A Close Shaver. ; - . Never funk! If she’s sunk, we can all swim, luckily ! From a North Country paper we extract the following Nearer now, clearer now looms the goal in front of us! advertisement, from one who evidently knows how to Hear ’em there, cheering there! Show ’em pluck’s the wont of us! move with the age, and is determined to cut his chins Where ’s our foe? There they go—creeping up with steady stroke. according to his times :— Cut ’em out! Shut ’em out! For a spurt be ready, Stroke! Notice.—Important REDUCTION of 50 per cent. in SHAVING. One good spin, and we win! Ours the hard-fought victory! 0 all who are suffering through the present Depression of The pistol-crack is wafting back message valedictory | T Trade, and are wishful to shave twice where they only Ended race! Splendid race! Hardly half a length to spare— shaved once, the above reduction will be made by ——, Hair- Stem and stem—us and them—fairly matched in strength, the pair! dresser, Todmorden.

He will, of , be satisfied by the assurance of the Staff officer CIVIL AND MILITARY. ‘itithint sama, .4.. ? : i i reasons t that the enem Lorp CHELMSFORD, before entering on the Zulu “ca a PB, wade 1 Bey =) oe mee afar igt - tone , wes f published a handy little pamphlet for the information of his officers | probably be te fall nine me Eis same tak chonld be td | ete and men, in which he gave rules for conducting hostilities im | jostro ers slaughtered to a Africa. From the desponding and doleful tone of some of his dest Zod, the stores B "bom toe we BE mel isagreeable recent despatches, his Lordship’s retirement from his command | state of things with the imity he ean command. seems not an impossible contingency. It would be a pity if his} Now is the time for extreme caution. Should there be reason to Lordship should carry out this intention till he has appended an| conclude that the enemy is moving off, and that he must be encum- additional chapter to his instructive and (when followed) no doubt | bered with spoil, the best plan be to let him pass unmolested. useful brochure : something to this effect :— On the other hand, should he come across a handful of men who = f : have held a position of the utmost importance against overwhelming CHapTter Last.—How to re Defeat, and how to behave lds for al winter’s night, he may safely “thank them very ” Hayne carefully —< ey op the above rae See sue- e * this, he should lose no time in instituting a strict Official ootely ly en. ag tt -t us, all that now remains wi delibe- | Tnaniry how the misc} has come about. - it bet proved by Knowing that a strongly-fortified camp is the key and nueleus of that ay Pramas Lf Chief is pce ate Fig p d that defence against this vigilant and active enemy, th i e K ’ der- officer should —T move off with the bulk of his force, leaving ha, dem Big pty a, alt he better for the Commander y else. the tents unentrenched, and the gons unparked “in laager. ving broug poin’ i e and wait He may. at the same time, send verbal orders that the camp is to be es <ear per d-- he Npere ageptren efended. Shoul Colonists i ritish Lion growl, If the enemy presents himself, he cannot do wrong to follow him| po gt that an eee om - — imme- up. It will be time enough when the enemy proves himself a Will- diately to assist him, and, if be, to i 0’-the- Wisp, whose object has been to mislead and draw away the that for a ¥ long opposing foree, to treat him accordingly. , 1 of the British Lion get so loud hile advancing, he had better not weaken his foree by detaching he feels that more responsibility is being ——- Sine ye § partes, - should turn a — - to bear, there will be nothing for it bu all suc uieting reports as that firing is going on in the direc- i -desk come ! tion of the camp he has left behind him. - _ There will be no harm if, in order to show his sense of the i- bility of his position, he, later in the day, order one of his to go to the top of a hil! with a telescope, and look towards the camp. Brorners rv Apverstry.—CHetmsronn et Frbar.

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a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. fApait 5, 1879, OBVIOUS. Stingy Uncle (to impecwnious Nephew), *‘ Pay as you Go, my Boy !—Pay as you co!” Nephew (suggestively). ** But suppose I HAVEN’T ANY MoneEy TO UNCLE a AN ALIAS FOR BUTTER. From a Marylebone Police Report it appears that the Slang Dictionary has been enriched if not with a new word yet with an old word ing a new sense. A person was pulled up for selling as Butter, a mixture of that material with 40 per cent. of animal fat not Butter. This composition, sold under the name of Butter, “‘ was said to be what was known as ‘ Bosh.’” course, amongst Buttermen, and not to their cus- tomers; a term of the trade: thieves’ Latin. Beware of Bosh, avoid and eschew Bosh of all kinds, but par- ticularly Bosh the counterpart of Butter. As fine words butter no ips, so neither can Bosh ; and just now, when salt fish is in season, persons fasting on that ay og | should take special care that Bosh is not made to do duty for Butter in their egg-sauce. Experience and Wisdom. Here is a suggestive little cutting from a contem- porary :— “The Daily News correspondent at Rangoon telegraphs that it is not intended to send any ultimatum to the King of Burman. The policy is to wait for the movement of Burmese troops.” Just the opposite policy to that pursued by Sir BarRTLE FRERE in South Aftica. Experientia docet. *‘Arms and the Man.” Ir is suggested by Mr. Mircnett Henry that the Secretary of Stare should give Hapron a landed estate. If so, he had better give him a Coat of Arms with it. May we suggest for a crest a Death’s head, with Han-ron 'on a label issuing out of the mouth, Cross-bones, and motto, Requiescat in Pace. A Saw ror THE SEAson (see recent Weather Reports). —March comes in like a lion, and goes out like a Notting- ham lamb. Cyprus ror ’Arry (definition d la Ditxz),—A place of more ’arms than ’elps. PAY WITH, Tue Connavcut RaneErs.—The Duke and Duchess Uncle. ‘‘ En '—WELL, THEN, DON’T GO, YoU KNow—Dpon’T Go!” [ Exit hastily, | on their travels. CAPE SMOKE, Wauat if we were to condense all the South-African Blue-books and all the South-African Debates into this ?— Her Majesty Queen Victoria (per Sir Bartle Frere, High Commis- stoner, §c.) to Cetewayo, King of Zululand. I DEMAND that you alter the law of your kingdom which prohibits your Majesty’s military subjects from marrying, and that within three weeks from the date hereof you permit the whole of your forty thousand celibate pj gladiators to marry freely, otherwise my troops will be ordered to advance and kill as many as a of your soldiers (who must want to be married), in order to obtain this most desirable and moral privilege for them. His Majesty King Cetewayo to Victoria, Queen of England, &c. _I wave received your Majesty’s demand, per High Commissioner Sir Barrie Frere. When I am assured that the men of your Majesty’s own Army are permitted to marry freely, I shall be happy U to accede to your Majesty’s request. Sir Bartle Frere, High Commissioner, §c., to Sir M. H. Beach, | Her Majesty's Secretary of State, §e.—(Eztract). **** “Asa result of the foregoing indirect communication, - bee comes ae ie Rage F ¢ en ae hae on e 22nd January, at a posi named Jsan eight hundred British and Colonial soldiers (married and unmarried) © iter illing three thousand Zulu soldiers (unmarried), were themselves slaugh- tered, leaving some hundreds of widows and children, the burden of = maintenance will, no doubt, be readily borne by a grateful country. ‘As the inhabitants of Zululand still decline acceptance to my conciliatory proposals, 1 must urgently request the despatch of reinforcements of a soldiers to take the place of their slaugh- | tered qeuneien, in what will, I fear, be a most bloody and prolonged stru . | regret that my views should be, as you inform me they are, in direct opposition to those of Her Majesty’s Government. But I trust Her Majesty’s Government will not interfere with my work, either of civilisation or of defence, in this highly interesting country. I have the honour to be, &e. P.S.—It would be better, if possible, to send out only unmarried men. I find there is something to be said for a force of celibate man-slaying gladiators, after all. DON’T ALL SPEAK AT ONCE! | Here is an advertisement to which it is the duty of Punch, asa | * friend of humanity,” to give all the aid of his publicity. But the |embarras de choix this amiable advertiser is preparing for ! J , indeed, his object is merely to gauge the heights and depths of human folly. If we could only give him the run of our waste-paper basket, he would find there are fools in the world not unlikely to take him au sérieux :— (puss BOARD and RESIDENCE OFFERED, thirty miles from | London. A small, quiet, wealthy family, of a fine, comfort- | able mansion, situate high and dry. e park and pleasure grounds beauti- fully wooded, twenty-five acres. Fine ranges of hothouses, plenty of servants, horses, carriages, cows, poultry, billiards, croquet, and other games every day. No humbug. Good suitable society the desideratum. AWAKENED Conscrence-Mongy.—The Caancettor of the Ex- CHEQUER acknowledges the receipt of five shillings from ’ARRY, as a fine for having cut his name on a national monument.

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Arru 5, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 155 PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. oor 1 ord CuetusrorD! (Lords, Monday, March 24.) The Duke of Campriner: can't find any trace of his Lordship’s alleged private complaint, as lon, ago as June last, that the “strain o prolonged exertion, bodily and mental, was telling upon him already.” The only strain in any letter of Lord CHELMsFoRD’s about that date is a strain of triumph at the happy termination of the Caffre War then just concluded, and of gratitude to the Duke for giving him such a command. Has the aes gene astray, or is the Duke oblivious, or Lord CueLmMsrorD obfuscated? This point, like other points in South- African prospects and retrospects, political and strategical, still wants clearing 7 At all events, as Lord CuEetmsrorpD had asked for a Major-General, the Duke has sent him four. What will he do with them ? . Our Fleet has retired from the Sea of Marmora (as Lord Satispunry explained to sedulously watchful Lord STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL) because it had no ~~ any excuse for staying there, now that Russia’s troops have retired beyond Adrianople. Russia has treaty engage- ments, and so have we; and Thess is no reason to anticipate that either mean to break . (This —— seem, as AkTEMUS WARD used to say, to be ‘‘ meant sarcastic” in Lord SaLispury’s mouth. _ (Commons.)—An arrangement in black and white: Subject—Cyprus. Artiste—in black, Sir Coartes Dike; in white, Mr. Bourke; with extra a in ——_ J. GoLpsmip, Mr. W. E. Forster, Mr. Samvztson, Sir G. Batrour, and Sir W. Harcourt; lights heightened by Sir E. Lecumene, Sir G. Extior, Sir J. Hay, and Mr. McIver; neutral tints by Messrs. Brassey and Dopson. The difficulty is to say which is the true, which the fancy picture —the one en noir, or the one en blanc. Probably r. Brassey’s, in which the light and shade is the most distributed is the safest study to be guided by. Coming tothe Isleof Venus without prejudice, and makin the best of a roe | judgment, he had arrived at the conclusion that in our hands the island woul certainly be prosperous: that as a place of arms it would be useless for many reasons, strate- cal and sanitary; that as a ing station it might be valuable. He heartily wished we e there; but being there, he eupposed ’ ad never pn we meant to stay. If so, the sooner we revise our loose and hasty bargain with the Turk the better. We must resist unjust and mischievous taxation, buy out the SuLTan, spend ~~ revenue in much needed improve- ments, make the island a free port, lay down roads, drain towns and marshes, supply public works, and plant forests—in short, work in the spirit thus condensed by Colonel WARREN :— “**You may not approve of our being here; but we have to labour to make England’s name _- and beloved. Do not believe that our mission is a small and humble one. We in Cyprus have y commenced to show what a beneficent and just rule means. Syrians, inhabitants from the neighbouring countries, men from Beyrout, Alexandria, and the Lebanon are here, and have revisited their homes, which still lie under Turkish Government. These speak out their minds; and soon the clamour of the people will necessitate a change in the manner of ruling in Asia Minor. When le demand what the whole world knows that they deserve they will assuredly get it. The holding of C will be the leaven in the mass of dough. Do not let your politics stop the good work.’ Colonel Warren then proceeded to speak of the foundation of schools, and concluded by saying,—‘ We have a pier now ; our market is finished; we have planted trees, widened roads, and are weading as Englishmen ought. Give us words of encouragement now and then.’ ”’ So Punch does. He says ditto to Mr. Brassey and Colonel Warren. But forced labour has an ugly look. It is un-English because, as a it is unjust and unequal in its pressure: so the less Sir Garner WOLsELEY trusts to it, even for so good a as - : is ao aaa road dag the best end In the spicy little professional ‘ pitch- in” with between Sir W. V. Har- court and Sir Jonw Hotxker—on the legal mess we have got ourselves into, by con- senting to hold the island as the Sutan’s locum-tenentes, till between English and Turkish law we find ourselves hung up, like Mahomet’s Coffin—Sir Wiit1am got home heavily in several rounds, but Joun came up smiling under t. ain Coenen ¢ Se idn’t see the practical good night's i ion. Nor does Mr. Punch. But that is no reason why the Isle of Venus should not find the House in a few hours of the froth from which she . But why doesn’t Collective Wisdom avail itself of Individual ? Why don’t Honourable Members engage Mr. Hepwortn Drxon to give them a lecture on the island he has taken under his pen and his protection, and to set matters to-rights as between Britannia and Aphrodite and their respective isles, for and all, Tuesday. —A field-night in the Lords. Royal personages as tight as preserved peas in a cannister. Peeresses in the Gallery as ne-me as flowers at a Horticultural ow. The Marquis of Lanyspowns, in a logical incisive, searching, and h, su the i i ir BaRTLE Frere, first, for declaring war against the Zulus without imperative ne- cessity, adequate preparation, or p authority; and, secondly, against Her Majesty's Government, for censuring with- out ing him. This was the opening of the case which in both Lords and Commons, has occupied for the whole week the time of Parliament and the attention of the country. the wisdom of Sir Bantie Frere’s policy, and the propriety of his official conduct, are at issue. e has made war on his own hook, and has made it, the Government think, unnecessarily, or, at , unseasonably, and, worse still, as we all know, unsuccessfully. The Cabinet had a very case for making a Jonah of him, and they have chosen not to throw him over. Lord Cranproox is just the man to defend a policy which looks high-minded as well as high-co' . The Motion was a Vote of Censure, and it must be met with a negative. Sir Barttz Frere should have submitted his ultimatum before send- ing it to Cerewaro, but the policy of war was defensible. Attack might be the best defence. The Colony regarded it in that light, though the Government didn’t. y were for avoiding war, and abstain- ing from annexation. But even if Sir Barre had made a mistake, his antecedents entitled him to cundonation, not condemna- tion. Lord Bracnrorp said the Government had blown the right note, but had not blown it loud enough. So Lord BLacurorp imitated the Govern- ment, and was “inaudible in the Gallery.” Lord CARNARVON suppo Sir Bartiz Frere. That aque and long - tried servant was I'nere by name and Frére by nature — al er disposed to look on blackie as a man and a brother. Carnarvon hoped he would not throw up

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F J Tyne wt | laughed the minority to scorn, as audibly as so well-bred 156 PUNCH, OR TRE LONDON CHARIVARI. fAprit 5, 1879, ( mew) i | * ’ ida ; Y MM i HH} i i ! MA SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY. Brown. ““WHAT SORT OF LOOKING MAN 1s Ropinson? Tart Man?” Jones (drawing himself up). ‘‘Weit—a—Nno! Neiruer Tati nor Sworr. JUST SOMEWHERE ABOUT MIDWAY BETWIXr YOUK HEIGHT AND MINE, You KNow!” his High Commission for all the Government snub. He had acted on his own responsibility, because the emergency demanded it, and he deserved credit for his courage. Let Government, after the war was over, be as firm as their High-Commissioner ; take a policy, and stick to it, and not trust to ‘‘ drift” (** Rorke’s Drift” having, perhaps, disposed us all to put too much faith in that style of frontier-defence.) ; ; . Lord Stantey or Avpreriry pitched into Sir Barrie, his policy, and his proceedings. Lord Capoocan defended him. Lord Krmsertey said the annexation of the Transvaal was the root of the mischief, though, when it was carried out, it seemed to most people the least of two evils. But Sir Barrie had taken the law into his own hands, in an issue of peace or war, and should have been recalled. He didn’t see how he could hold office ten minutes after reading the Colonial Office despatch. Lord Sauispury said the cienieh now in the dock was not Sir BARTLE Frere, but Her Majesty’s Government. They were to be censured for not recalling him. He had earned a wigging, and they had given him one—but nothing to hurt him. He wouldn’t resign, bless you! He knew better. : The Duke of SomerseT with an extra dose of his comical gravity, said it seemed a queer thing the Government should be keeping a man to carry out a policy different from their own—about savage marriages, and all sorts of things. rd Braconsrrecp dittoed Lord Sauispury. If the Government had thrown over Sir Bante Frere the world would have been delighted, as it always was to find a victim. They didn’t mean to gratify the world, and had determined to keep him where he was, because they felt it was to the public interest to do so. Lord GRanvILE congratulated their Lordships on having elicited a disclaimer of the annexation —_—. They should have supported their High Commissioner, or thrown him over. By censuring him and keeping him where he was they put him between two stools, and sat beside him. On division, the Contents were 61 to the Non-contents 156, and the majority an assembly could. (Commons.)—Is the Agricultural Holdings Act a dead letter, or is it not? Mr. Samvesow thinks it 1s, to judge by answers to his inquiries, and asks for a Select Committee to verify the matter. Everybody—except the Government— backed his request, from Northern Farmer Barciay to Southern Farmer Reap ; from Protectionist Squire CuaPLin to philosophic Sir T. ActaAND; from rabid and rampant O’DoywELL to most correct and countyfied Col. Ruceres BrIsz ; from MitcHecy Henry, the extra-Hibernian Galway boy, to Bromiey-Davenport, the wag of Warwickshire. But Lord Sanpon was against putes up the plant to see how the root was getting on. The Act was only three years old. Bad times had been upon the farmers for four years. There may be a good time coming—for British bucolicals, only let them * wait a little longer.” Lord Harrryeton was for name - The agricultural shoe did pinch, woundily, and t mmittee might find where the pinch was. e Act was a dead letter, and the Committee might bury it, with all the honours of a blne-book. He hoped the farmers would take a wider view of their political ities and see their way to throw over their sos. friends, the Conservatives, and go in for of the Liberals and overhauling of the whole and Tenant question. The Cuancetsor of the Excuzquer,— “ A jeer, To his jeering gave bite beck.’” Gevermment couldn’t be responsible for bad harvests and low prices: and there was quite in that way to explain the farmers’ distresses, wi lugging in the Agricultural Holdings Act. otien negatived by 166 to 115, and debate adjourned on Mr. O’Donneta’s Amendment, which pp ered hitehed Irish tenant’s grievances on to the tail of Englis farmers’ waggon- of woe. We Bre J. McKew, wants to get rid of an old pele of the dark times of 1793—the “ Irish Conven- tion Act” —which was framed, it seems, to make penal all ie meetings pretending to be ‘‘ Parliaments,” and im a great many more public meetings than it aamed at was : The Government agrees to a Bill for confining this old remanet of ay as revolutionary times to its ostemstble ; and Sir J. McKenna, content with this concession, withdraws his Bill. Thursday (Lords).—Lord Brtmore brings in a Bill to transfer the Irish Synod of Divinity Trinity College, Dublin, which has cast its sectarian slough, to the representative body of the Chureh of Ireland ; and nobody seems able to give any very good reason why not. (Commons.)—The battle of Sir Bartle, already fought in the Lords, fought over agaim in the Commons on exactly the same lines, and with the same weapons. Sir CuHarg_es DILKE opponent, Sir M. Hicks-Beacu respon- dent. Why should Punch go over the well-beaten ground—particularly as the d was adjourned ? Mr. E. Strannore was blocked by Messrs. Forster and GoscHeN in a rather cool atemet to smuggle, in the small hours, a very big little Bill for enabling the Indian Government to borrow ten millions in this country, and thereby intensify every financial ailment from which India is suffering. Friday (Lords).—The Marquis of HuntitEy movi for a Select Committee on agricultural distress, Lo BEACONSFIELD gave the best reasons why it wasn’t likely to do the farmers wb ay and explained, much as Lord Sanpon did on Tuesday, how Free Trade, by keeping down prices, may have vated the farmers’ suffering from bad harvests, in same proportion as it has lessened the pinch of the farmers’ customers. (Commons.)—The South-African Debate continued. Fierce assault on Sir Bante Frexe and Lord Cuetms- FORD by Sir Ropert Peet. Sir Henny Horianp, a friend and office-holder under the Government, obliged to go against them. Debate again adjourned. It is plain that though Government will of course have their majority, Soe has oe them, and a oa a a _ eir supporters. is becoming but{too clear that the Cabinet have made a mull al her of ‘South-African matters, civil and military, and have not the pluck to right either. A Pious Wish. (By a Modest Baronet, in his Cups—of Tea.) “ The Government are planting gum-trees in Cyprus.”’ ‘Cue gum-tree, rich in leaf and blossom, Forms the home of the Opossum ; The Government soon may I see In Cyprus safely up that tree! W.L. 4@ To Conassronpants.— The Bditor does not hold himself bouad to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by a stampe eneclope. should be kept. d and directed

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Apa 12, 1879.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON ¢ CHARIVARI. 157

THE FARMER’S FORTUNES. a deal 4 oi Me tebe he sat— “Parmer” 8 Gries — for a spite of Raha himself S.. from un- eheon-table, whi

= vist “How can I drink sherry, and eat caviaire, or pad ef de foe gras with such a weight of care on my conseience gloomily. ‘No! itwill not come right! The total is leas t an n that of last year.’ “Was hast du, tn asked a silvery voice, in the purest Hanoverian German. ‘' Du hast das Zimmer sehr bald verlassen.” ‘“* Fi done, P. ind cee es méchant !” continued @ voise, more silvery’ most ex [7% Spea “Tam tired “In English ish? indienan ca hace t, in Freneh that would have satisfied isfied the (on y ped returned the Farmer, with a frown ; ign treks and and graces.’ tly echoed Mrs. De Grtxs, who had followed her two charhiine daughters to their father’s retreat. ‘* What do you mean ? in nglish, indeed! when the darlings have been taught for years by their Governess, the Fraulein, all the ccoemplilenanie necessary to their station.” ‘Oh, Mamma!” cried the second young Lady, ‘‘ you really m oc} rid of Fremng; her French i is 80 role, From hear accent I re a she must be a Belgian.” Nonsense, I interrupted her elder sister ; dresses hair d mervetlle! Ich bin ganz entziiekt mit ihr ! “You ought to be proud of them,” said Mrs, De ll with a fond smile. ‘“‘ ¥. ~ Frrz-Richarp——” **Frrz-Ricnarp!” grumbled the Farmer, ‘until you changed my name, my os called me Dick.” t is gm ill-temper?” asked his wife, calmly arranging the lace oe that ged the jewelled neck-band of vaibel on nS her whi = and ly throat. ‘‘ Why did you leave us to entertain our ortunately they were p time. Sol por Bw out rae carriage to to take them to the station.” * 2 propos, Papa,” iy Inxxe, ‘ the coachman tells me that the “r= on the near side is——” Ly the chestnut on the near side!” exclaimed the Farmer, wra' “* Frrz- Rscmangs *m ashamed of you ! Come, m fer is so revéche this morni ih belo the indignant dame finish her sentence, ‘men youn, Frag moore rushed into the room, and etm hen, Srvart and Piawtacenet, back “from Oxford and Cam- | bridge so ‘soon |” said Mrs. De Gruss, fondly returning her sons’ twa een hits eit | | do Gavnot?® * FIvrne

baek to see how the hunters were getting on. How And I,” continued the second youngster, in his turn, eg | asked a lot of Trinity men to ‘up here for ¢ month or so. So | mind, Mother, you organise a ; site wel bay pee. Aad, | Guy’nor, suppose we overhaul your The whole family as the angry old man rose from his chair, and pointed to two daubs of pictures representing a homely- looking farmer, with his equally homely wife. 5 ch | here the voice of ** Do you see those portraits ?”’ he shouted “Ya-es,” wled PLANTAGENET. “ They ought to have been on | iow pr, Bir ered the thorouehly goneed De Gries old man was not ashamed to follow the and attend to the various d old lady knew how to Ad. baie beer and ginger and me-brerel ber and guage an sons strutting about with breechloaders to hounds on expensive hunters. But they the door, and to defy the competition at pictures of your grand- of your fortune!” ” said Mrs. De Gries, with a sigh of apeenet the old man, ‘‘ you haven’t! What with extra- my account at my bankers has dwin- now, the secret ’s out, and I wish you roa the fail were very pale—the Ladies sobbing— at ease yt AGENET plucked up courage to ask a question, " Rast & tig] intend to 2 a F ather ?” ; family with a pause, tod then, cam came the oh which filled the with feelings of Sac limedineeh Wha cites tals tomfoolery, and,” the old man faltered as he announced terrible but necessary ne resolution, ‘‘ and, in point of fact, to wiae to to bet, ness | Mrs. De Gries and the Misses De Gries threw up their arms, gave three piercing shrieks, and fainted ! ing ry 3

PICTURES (NOT YET) ACCEPTED FOR THE ROYAL ACADEMY, or Hee A silly boy who has broken all his tin soldiers, elderly nurse to entrust him with a fresh supply. e an eminent warrior aa a yet more t pur Artist, Sir R—s—nztr P——t, Bart. ul Charlatan. P came of the Earl of B——-p. Artist, t Hon. W. E. G—— Garrulous Gossip. Portrait of the Right Hon. W. E. G——x. A the Earl of B ——». A Pair of Pumps. Portrait of Sir Wru.rnxm L——yn standing near t james erontion ip A . Artist, Mr. B—ss, M.P. he Honest Thief. Historical ting of His Highness the Ku—p—ve or Eeyrt, sternly jalan epee paying the Coupons of the Unified Debt in full. peiet, Se —v—ks WIL—s—Nn. The Return of the Prodigal. Picture of the Cuancentor of the E——z making his Financial Statement. Artist, the Marquis of is An Avril Bot. ee ow ” a aa Te ght To Memory Dear!” View of a Scientific —L—sB—RY. is a oy for an Honest Man. Di0e@Enes, a port rait the Artist. er figures ada rtations from life studies of bers aot th the Cabinet Artist, Mr. A picture representing Mr. Jouw B—.t con- rtist, Sir Starronp N—rruc—te.

A Swap. Sire B. Frere, Roi des Zulus, And m Curtasvoun with his sword on, We'll throw oer, my Kueprve, to you, If you’ll throw us your Colonel Gorpon.

A Test of Totality. that Sir Wiiratp Lawson (assisted by some of Parliament) is to lay the foundation-stone of a tal on the 8th of May. Let us drink success to If patients affected with delirium tremens are admitted, it will here be seen whether such cases can be suc- cessfully treated without a hair of the dog that bit them. It is twenty

Right Hat on Right Head. Wise Pope to give, and worthy Priest to take The Hat, to wear which duly asks a true man ; We know the Old Man it will ne’er unmake,

Though th there’ 6 no need of it it to make a Newsax.

VOL. LXXVI.

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RR eNO.

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Apait 12, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Ciever Are. &. if and gory @ the Mouse of JomaAYNS. Lord Lyrrow may be in the habit of making the country pay for “wiring” to Her y; but if Soe gessongne one pazsess and confidential, and Government has no official knowledge of them. | Zulu debate continued under pressure. ‘Twenty-two Liberals, said Sir J. Gotpsmrp, and twice as many on the other side, had some- Mowpay, March 31 (Lords).—It is a comfort to be assured that thing to say, and wanted to say it. Sir Srarroup NogTucore said Colonel Pxanrson’s Dae et tee | be eeet of, has, + ae, they must a aes debate —r to yoni — As a wasn't surgeons rumour nD ing “* ere are Colonel | another night to spare, m to division to-nigh' oy ” Ekowe answers by Lord Bury, “‘ Here!” | Mr. Country othe the ot. He claims the honours of a Medical Corporations and Supreme Courts both yetehed off, by | prophet of evil. All the more—which he foretold from Third Reading of the Bills for their Amendment. Much good may annexation of the Transvaal have come. by this distinct do them—and the public. fulfilment of , Mr. Covrtwer to prophesy other Na .)—Government has no notion whether we are going to | t things. we were off with Cerzwayo his Zulus, Cabul or not. ‘“‘ Where ignorance is bliss!” | we should be on with Szcocozn1 and his Caffres, and with Jovzpaiw

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wr — | censured him conveyed a compliment in asking him to stay | Sir Bartie and Lord CoEtmsrorp were the two leading spirits in South Africa. A. ______ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aprit 12, 1879. *‘MELTING!” Stout Chairman (who feels the fire close at his back rather oppressive). ‘* WaiTER, I ASKED YOU TO BRING ME A Songen.”’ Waiter. ‘‘ MASTER’s VERY sORRY, Six, BUT WE AIN’T Got No SonEEN!”’ Stout Chairman, ‘‘ THEN, FOR GoopNESS’ SAKE, TELL THE Cook TO SEND UP THE Driprinc-PAN, AND PUT IT UNDER MB, QUICK!” and his Boers. In fact, it was a case of “* Bad begins, but worse remains behind.” The motto of the head of the Government ‘* adventures for the adventurous,” and of Lord Sauissury, ‘‘ De l’audaee, et de I’ audace, et toujours de ! audace /” Sir BartLe Frere was a Colonial Governor after the sametype. Our only course was to retrace our steps, and undo what we had misdone; give back the Trans- vaal to the Boers, drop Confederation, throw over Sir Tarornitus SHEPsToNE, recall Sir Bartte Frere—in faet, sit down to the biggest humble pie ever baked in Blunderland. ** Not if we know it,” said Lord Sampon. The annexation of the Transvaal had been approved on both sides the House by all but the Member for Liskeard and a handful of his own faithful band of crotcheteers, Sir Coartes Drixe’s able speech had been a speech for the prosecution. Sir Barrie Frere had not exaggerated the danger. His only fault was over-zeal. The letter that ere he was. If one were recalled so must the other be, and who can say what that might lead to? Disasters had their good side. They stirred up our highest virtues. The House ought to — round men who were honestly, ably, zealously, and truly doing their duty to their country and their Queen. In short, Lord Sanpon very antly took up the cudgels for Sir Bartrz, and argued that, on the whole, though he might Ans earned an official wigging for insubordination, the House o ght to have treated him as a Billy Taylor, and ‘‘ werry much applauded him for what he had done.” And so said Sir G. Batrour and Colonel ALEXANDER in even plainer terms. The Resolution, if adopted, would drive out of the Service strong, self-reliant administrators, and fill it with pliant officials ; and the Colonel was glad Government had resolved te meet it with an emphatic ‘‘ No!” That is not the view Mr. Synaw took of the Government’s policy. It had first been a policy of trickery, now it was one of baseness and degradation. They had thrown over their instruments when they found their little game a one. Mr. Arruur Mirus cannoned off Mr. Cowrnrwey on to Sir Bartitr. He admitted that the annexation of the Transvaal was a lamentable mistake, but Sir Barre was not to blame. Mr. O’Connor Power took the wrongs of Zululand as text for a “‘ discoorse” on the wrongs of Ireland. He entered his protest against the combined cruelty and hypocrisy of English policy in South Africa. Mr. Gorst didn’t see why Government should resign if the House carried the Resolution. The fact was, that the Government could always check the war-fever in a Colony. They wanted to e the best ofa bad case. Sir BARTLE’s was a yery bad case> But if it hadn’t been for the disaster at Isandlana, they would never have heard anything of a censure on Sir Bartie. He should vote for the Resolution. It would get rid of Sir Bantte Frere, without doing any great harm to Her Majesty’s Govern- ment. (Defection number three.) Sir W. V. Harcourt said there was no fear of that. The Government had laid down the principle that public servants who had received the severest censure should stay at their ts. Sir WILLIAM p ed to cut up Sir Barter and his Blue-Book, then to spit him on a sharp and well-pointed argument, and final i to roast him at a smart fre of effective epigram. The original mis- chief was not the annexation of the Transvaal, but that when we annexed it we did in Boerdom as the Boers did. Sir Bartie’s arbitration was like Natrwan’s de- livering an ultimatum to Nasotnu. He said the Zulu lands must be given back, but that the wrongful occu- iers must not be disturbed. He stood condemned by is own words and deeds as well as by the Government that employed him. His acts were just those a man of experience, ability, and judgment would not have committed. His despatches were alike devoid of logic, temper, and dignity—mere special pleadings, in over- charged language, in favour of foregone conclusions. The Government could no more guide Sir BARTLE FRERE than a small boy could prevent a four-year-old from rushing at his fences, i wes their Phaéton. hae | had te look on while he set the world on fire in Sout Africa, The censure they had ventured to send him was praise in disguise, if actual encouragement had not accompanied official re . , The Opposition by this Resolution would di their consciences from the intolerable burden ef a policy which had brought us sorrow, shame, disaster, and which would lead to neither advantage nor honour. Mr. O’ Downeit Sgivered his stone smartly, and with all his strength. Government policy had been a eopy of the worst policy of the most aggressive and annexatiye E colonists in South Africa. Our had been the worst of the Bashi-Bazooks’. e were land-robbers, plunderers, village - burners. W we Won a battle, we drove our savage foe from at inds, seized Sets property, and stole their cattle. these things allowed to go on, we should be turning Sou ca into a Slave State. Mr. Caap went the whole British Squire for Sir Bar his paler, and his acts. The Marquis of Hartineton, and Sir Srarrorp Nortrucore summed up, pro and con. the Resolution, con. and pro Bir BaARTLE FRere—for the debate had long since strayed on to the ground of the High Commissioner’s merits, not of the Government’s in censuring him with- out removing him; and the House divided at ten minutes past two—246 for the Motion, 306 against. A majority of 60 is too narrow to be pleasant, in compa- rison with the other majorities on great party issues in this and last Session, (Don’t you think, my Lord B., taking this week’s Divisions all together, that the barometer wants tapping ? Punch ventures on a hint in this week’s heading.) Tuesday (Lords).—Lord CottEstox moves for returns to show how dead against us is the balance of American trade. If it were as easy to set balances to-rights as to state them ! (Commons.)—W ellingten hauled over the coals on Mr. Yorxe’s Motion for inquiry how far the present administration of the College carries out the intention of its foundation as a place of education for officers’ orphans and children, It was only a second thought to take in sons of civilians whose nighes poymente were to fee out Ge lowes nee a6 oF iers’ orphans, and she Genes leis the Sees atop fe 16, Ze college opened with eighty orphans, . The list of ans still stands Hy original num- ber. There are besides 210 boys, not sons of officers, who

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 161 pay from £110 to £135, and seventy-five officers’ sons who at £81 10s, | therewith, and not under Common Law! Think of that, O buried are just kept with neither profit nor loss. nerations of British sages of Westminster Hall, and let your In short, Wellington College has in twenty-seven years from its > bones stir in roy graves! Sir Jonn HoLKar cooll 44 establishment become as perverted from its original lines as Eton i in | nouncing the of Law in its four hundred. It hae oysacd to be ‘shat ii wea formed ma: wyers are and military orph and becvms 6 vaiher wualy Be of of - it; aed the sooner the i

Apait 12, 1879.)

the cumaens » with \ceeee & of officers’ orphans on

er, Act in India, ‘actories, Manchester wants an 7 son-in-law, Dr. Basson, is ob Master, ny on her products, is baal, its ch , and its , but the Cuancettor of the It is a pity he >, a 2_rth ne Mega nc mae’ a bias | Kroc ution im Ting that present 4" iminut Hevlation be to be ¢! abolition—with which large ion bs Sir Starrorn Nor hs pod hanistan. Hit he

they were—did their duty i .

in re ie) the extra profit out of the of YTTON is “iit Re Poel kz military orphans. The sdensatele, op fenul, without positive from ay Pte eto ca i Peed E MILTO y oF Governors. An in hievclemat ght be the ruin of ee vee a OWED TO THE SPRING Mr. Youxe said . ‘ Sir T, AcLanp Wellington was too hi A.

House divided—67 against ingy a narrow sq! Of course there must be ingwi hough not by a Royal - nis and a change pase to me atten Sipps ty. vase the Hypothee itions Bill, Mr. J. Banorst ding in thet Interest of tenants to the Bill ie r gen vi out effect; the landlords, we been be ta eat the being strong enough to de ) sega =

Mr. Ropwett moved for the law Pauper Lunatics, and that which helps, inter alia, to and lunatices—Public House Licensing. Wednesday.—Mr. MunpEt1A was defeated in the attempt to do ones with a perty oe qualifications for Local Authorities, hatever may be against this opening of Municipal Office doors without money-tickete, it lies not in the mouth of the Government Ade | it, as the have already agreed to the principle, and onl to Mr. Monpexza’s former Bill for the purpose that it ‘a wee go far enough. Now it goes further, they let their supporters throw out the Bull, by 173 to 167, Sereldane the change must come. Three squeaks in a week—for the 60 majority on the Zulu War was no better. Is the thermometer tending to Change ? Thursday (Lords).—After the labours of a generation and the expenditure of millions, the upshot ef Lord SupELEr’s ques- tions, Lord Etpurystoye’s answers, the Duke of Somenset’s comments—pithily condensed into the sweeping conclusion that our

AIL, rain, and sleet- me! To this flowerless Sprin What bard would

Naval Ordnance to be overhauled from the 1 foundation ! easant y~ the British Tar en attendant, and the British tax-payer in uturo. Lord Lanspowne wants to know more than either the Marquis of Satispury or the Earl of Beacowsrretp can tell him, about the negotiations for the rectification of the Greek Boundary, in pursuance of the recommendation of the Berlin-Treaty-makers. At present, Lord BraconsFreLp does not cize vs us any reason to believe that he sees a “scientific frontier” in Thessaly and Epirus. At the same time, he thinks there are modes by a0 a a fair adjust- ment can be made, by which Greece pay obtain all that, under the circumstances, she is entitled to, without consenting to a "settlement injurious to the interests of Turkey. Fair words—but as yet the parsnips have not been buttered—Greece ety ey wy (Commons.)—A full but not crowded House for the Bu iget, Sum and substance : things are to be let slide; no new taxation ; accu- mulated deficit to be Rog < half in £2,000,000 next year and

Naval Guns are defective in metal, construction, boring, and sing ? ; rifling — and Lord CrawBRook’s undertaking is, that our Heavy It were too re ; Ordnance Committee is to be reconstituted, and our whole system of too malign a joke - } That e’en a poetaster ‘alae provoke — If it any such ephemera contrive a The late atrocious weather to survive— e ng spell SI Owed, and inspiration seizes y soul, and Tm oh once 2 fervent Beale mould take some time to mention all J owe it ; The multitudinous coughs, the myriad sneezes, [nie blasts and bitter breezes), nnumerable , uncounted shivers, phage bs as of frozen rivers shrinking aS their track, ad flowing down “ol inf Item :-—Six attacks o: influenza, (Aber !—what a wild cadenza !) which my love did not like mt en, Toe aitections go on etrike And lost me had and’ went thousand Se aoh pout ;

ua

£2,750,000 the year after neral election must be thought of. ted faby ats tints and nasal sounds. Anything too oa easy fife two evils Sir Starrorp has chosen sy “A spechl hless bout of laryngitis ; what all but the viciously Vrtagus 2 will probably consider the least— itis ;

postponement of payment rather than increase of taxation, with trust in wes os c Remeer of 04 of accidents may bring forth to diminish distress at isturbance abroad.

il -< ayaa hundred ion ills. og edgy a Then shall i 50

Mr. rete norte send Mr. Curipers reserved their comments. So And write an Ode—dear does Punch. I hate the minx Ode thowld like noi tin The ATTORNEY-GENERAL re-introduced the Criminal Code Pill Than to escape from being her peer #8 with the latest improvements. Henceforth all criminals be And pay, in one aceumulati ng, low, proceeded against under this code, or some statute not inconsistent ‘All that to her I owe !

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162 a a ce a — ; PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Apart, 12, 1879. an ni) e | “AMUN i UL it \, Te J TIMI LL iy i : . y are Hitt °, : | ' 'L ii Med tt hi \« I ah is HE i ee Ui, eneetitie 1 | Ww Wm SATISFACTORY. Bumptious Old Gent (in a Directorial tone), ** An, GUARD—WHAT ARE WE—AH—WAITING FOR?” Guard (with unconcern), ‘‘ WAITING FOR THE TRAIN TO Go on, Sin!” [Old Gent retires. PITY A POOR CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER. It should have been better, yet might have been worse. The man who of Ministers calls or most pity Is hard-pressed Pill-Garlic, who carries the purse, And has to conciliate the Court and the City. Ah me! J have ne’er been allowed half a chance To swell by one page the romance of finance ! On statistical wings it were pleasant to soar, Make a Budget as thrilling as any new novel. When GLapstowe—but such sunny times “¥ no more ; { must painfully potter and prosily grovel. There is little to stir one to eloquence sweet In the arduous effort to make both ends meet. No sensation finance! Well, that’s all very fine. I appr reciate safety and steady sobriety ; Fine phrases and fireworks are scarce in my line, Yeta bouncing Surplus would make a variety. I could dream of a Budget that Bos Lowe bewilders, And scrunches up GLapstowg, and GoscHeEn, and CHILDERs. That dream for the Beaconsfield régime reserves Remission of taxes, and lus and glitter: . my ~~ into p Seer e brilliance ne’er swerves ; ~/ rd may plan , 1’m the less cash-fitter. For his es with the A ghan, the Zulu, the Turk, I’ve to d the hard tin, end it’s jolly hard work. Y my Imperial ume is npering my Ay tn t im at least, hea loads on th’ uer : But hel toute ot haus aad Seams ofl abpead Would upset the ow of a GLapstone or Necker. What Budgets, tho At have been fashioned by me Had fate fo omtelne W.G.! a 7 time I did think I had made it all sq *ve had some strokes of luck in my ny ’ Bat, heigho! My schemes have been spoilt by this Zulu affair, And my balance upset by that beastly Cerewaro. Lord B. says ’twill be all serene, but as yet All the credit seems his—I’ve to look to the debt. Heroic finance I’m not free to essay ; The reverse would involve me in instant hot water With Liberal critics, in hostile array, Who’re too watchful by half, and would give me no quarter. By the Zulu—confound him ! !—of surplus bereft, A safe via media’s all that seems left. Ticklish treading ! ! But bills will not look quite so large If I spread ’em a little and put off their payment. The Country might start at full sight of the charge For Imperial airs, and the requisite raiment. I leave them a handle my scheme to abuse: If that does not content them, it ought to amuse. ’Tisn’t easy to pay for Lord B.’s little wars, And for giving the Afghan and 7; ulu hot toko, By a trifle of twopence a pound on Ci And a—a—ah, to be sure—a small uty on Cocoa. As for raising the Income- tax, that might tell —* So there ’s only one method of trimming my scales I we lay the Micawber, and deftly postpone, am free to admit it ’s a réle I don’t relish. But Tt think it is safe, if they "ll let me alone, Though a deficit does not a Py waa embellish. ’Tis not couleur de rose, but if things do look ay It is mainly the fault of that—something]!—Zulu Tue Garotrer tn Gaol oy Pleasure to Penalty).—Photo- graphed and flogged. Proor and Positivism.—Why are Positivist dogmas like absolute aleohol ?—Because they are above proof.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Apait 12, 1879. UPSETTING HIS BALANCE. Mr. Burt. “ BALANCE ALL RIGHT, I HOPE?” Banx Manaorr. “IT WAS, SIR. BUT THERE’S THAT CHEQUE OF MR. KETCHWAYO’S, YOU KNOW——”!!

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Aprit 12, 1879.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 465 A FYTTE OF THE BLUES. ARAN : aS Wiitissso_Z m0 ye ~Ss AS Jy \Y aw : = Rowing Undergrad. loquitur. OF style and strength of limb and length, Catch, feather, slide, and swing, How much I’ve read, how much heard said, All of the same old ring. From morn till night, ’twixt Dark and Light, I’ve steeped my brains in blue ; From one to eight—style, size, and weight,— Have ‘‘ reckoned ”’ either crew. Boat-race I’ve thought, boat-race I’ve fought, ’Twixt oars that are, and were ; Pondered each slip ’twixt eup and lip, That odds might more than square. Through talk and print, through work and stint, The day has come at last! A flash of oars, a crash of roars— They ’re there—they ’re here—they ’re past! That Light Blue scores a hollow win, To style plus strength is due ; But a stout stern-race helps to thin The shadow on Dark Blue! FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE. Being a Brief Record of a few Winter-seasonable Visits to certain Country Houses. VISIT THE THIRD.—CHAPTER XVIII. At Mosthyn Dickie’s — After Digoe: — His Difficulties — Denson, Junior—A Happy Father—The Real Facts— Conclusion for the Present. Arter dinner the conversation turns on the advantages of the Country over Town. Every one congratulates Mosruxs Dickie on his being in the Country, which is questionable as a compliment, as his visitors reside in Town. Mr. Denson — whose son occupies himself in demolishing the dessert in a quiet, but determined manner—observes— ** Well, you must find great benefit from your farm?” “My farm!” exclaims Mostayn Dickie, throwing up his hands, as if in utter astonishment at the existenee of any person le of venturing such a remark, ‘‘My farm! Why, my dear fellow, I being always ready to learn, I inquire, in a comparatively o manner— ** But you keep cows, don’t you ?” Not knowing much about agricultural matters precealiy, but -han ete it occurs to me that I ought to have said " can move an amendment, that the words, ‘‘ and be Mostuyw Dicxte retorts— “Well, my fellow, and what am I to get from cows ?” I consider. To reply, ‘‘ Milk,” seems absurd; and yet, what is he to get from gawe, not milk? It can’t be eggs; and it certainly isn’t mutton. ere’s cream; but he must have the milk first. Everyone is silent. Mostuyn Drcxre has clearly put a poser. ““ What is he to get from cows?’ Nobody seems to know. Or if every body knows, no one likes to make the evident answer, ‘ Milk.” Young Dewson Junior, who has just emptied a dish of almonds and raisins, says, sullenly, ‘‘ Calves!” His father stares at him, much as Balaam must have stared at his donkey when it gave him a bit of its mind; then he looks round with a supreme ile, as much as to say ‘“‘ There’sa boy! Ain't he won ! He'll get on—he will! nly give him a chance !”’ “Well,” returns Mostyn Dicxre, as though not quite prepared to admit the entire truth of the proposition. ‘‘ Well—yes—calves. And how many calyes ?” sad ds on the cows,” says Denson Junior, taking a large bite out of an apple. His father is immensely delighted with his boy. What a career is not before him? What obstacle is there that Dawson Junior will not overcome? It is of such stuff as this that Chancellors are made for rs have been boys once, eaten almonds, raisins, and apples, and been none the worse for it—intellectually. ostuyny Dickie surveys the youth through his spectacles. He is pleased—evidently p a He’s right,” he says, turning to Denson, (who is immensely at once assumes such an air of superiority as is 1 to convey that ‘‘ This is the style of son I bring up—it’s all my doing—I’m his clever father—his good, kind, clever father, ere Ti He’s right,” says Mosrnyy Dickre—" there are calyes—lots of ’em. But do lever see any veal? No, Notaha’porth! I haye te buy my veal. Do I grt cay thing by my eaves? Notapenny !” nat eee ee su, . them! No, they sell me!” he retorts, Whereat we all laugh except the boy Denson, who is now hard at work sucking sly at an orange. Hennig, Wapearet young Denson goes in for, he gives all his mind to, All his mind is now in the orange. shade passes over his father’s countenance. In his system of education he has forgotten to instruct his son when to laugh, with whom to laugh, and at whom to laugh. If Denson Senior could kick Denson Junior under the table, I fancy, from Denson Senior’s expression of countenance, he would do it now—with a will, hen we have all recovered, Mostuyn Dicxre continues, “M Sir ”’—this to us all collectively, as one man—‘' I have about fifty cows, and I never get any cream, except what I buy, and then I pay more than any one else for it—and I never any milk. Somebody buys it and allows me for it—that’s what I’m told—but what I’m allowed for it 1’m hanged i They tell me my butcher ‘allows me’ for > I ean see is that he ‘ allows me’ to sell them to Aim for something less than he'd get ’ elsew 7 ** But how about chickens?” I ask, having a vague idea on the subject of poultry generally. . or? is limited to the out- side of a shilling book entitled How to Make Poultry Pay. Per- sonally I can’t conceive Fa mre paying anything, unless they are os very. ed sort like Fow But this suggestion would vity. ** Chickens ! ” replies Mosruyw Dicxte, smiling with quiet contempt at the very idea. ‘* Chickens! I never seeachicken. Never. I’ve about a hundred and fifty, and J never get any eggs. When I want 9 Some dae 2 hove te Seg 1, ane caah ogy, in the country costs me oie StS wae »> town. ah "py aay | et a nearly Michaelmas day. That’s ,ehr”’ Fo, he is right, Michaelmas is not spring, and it is the thas for geese—not chickens. But I remark events in the matter of the country does offer ad interrupts me at onee. * advantages ?” Well, on the spur of the moment, Idon’t know. Butsay ‘‘ growing them and them fresh.’ Bes chats his heed vehamentie. Clearly I know nothing about it. vegetables.” Soil, seasons, blight, te ag T= wy Ly everything animate or inanimate is against the entire vegetable tribe. Iam If this is so, then a isa gem, sod tes aaa quot alamchogtont. Greaiy ! a gle » insects, * You can’t get nothing from it—absolutely nothing !”

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a eee cf 166 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Arai 12, 1879. FE OUS ULL jhe ae THE MARKED MAN. ; a, / ; THA be ‘4 4 ip ~~ ; 3 -oNN > ," “ ” A) VY Aig : ie ei i LES ti : (A Song of the eee by a Gaol LDPE MA Sie : nig, BS , AE it Di hopy! : BS ’I as is spoony on a gal oH) Wi ag "To +d pee De, Wot hacts of foolishness ’e’ll do! Gatien) (th i DN a ; These here blue letters by a pal Was done in wot they call ‘‘ tatoo.” A fish, a hanker, and a ’art, The hemblem of my hammerus flame ; And Cupig runnin’ of ’is Through Mary, which it wos her name. It ain’t no good, recource to fiction ; Yer can’t plead fust offence no more, Wen many and many a past conwiction Agin yer name is hon the score. Wasn't I hall-marked but too plain, With two cock mapas and nose awry ? My skin for hever thus to stain O wot a blessed fool wos I! ’Ow could a prig be sitch a moke ? Them prints will last till my decease. Once lagged, I am a spotted bloke— A party known to the Perlice. In quod the Sun you can’t fight shy on, And in your — out you’re drored : No negative a chap can’t try on, When by ’is positive ’e’s floored. ™ “ is oy at the Old Bailey ’as, nd, in the bargain, is tatooed, Pris’n orthorities with a Aalias, The more fool he, cannot delood ! Now penial servitude ’s my potion, My fare, wus luck, skilligolee ! Of witch I'd not the slightest notion Wen “‘ Mary” wos tatooed on me. OUR PLANTS OF PREY. TuE Contemporary Review for April con- tains an article on ‘‘ Carnivorous Plants.” Jesters will remark that amongst these no mention whatever is made either of the Tiger Lily or the Dandelion. A CHOICE OF EVILS. Mamma. ‘‘ Now, ARTHUR, BE A Goop Boy, AND TAKE your MEDICINE, on MAMMA WILL BE VERY ANGRY!” Arthur (after mature deliberation), ‘‘1 WoULD RATHER MAMMA WAS VERY ANGRY!” second-hand.” It strikes me I never have heard of a second-hand cabbage, for example. INJYABLE INJIA; 1 do grow them,” he says; “‘ but I can’t get the _ to give) OR, NOTES AND SKETCHES OF A SPECIALLY-COMMISSIONED ARTIST. them me when I want them. My toes are all old before they’re Fe cucumbers—it ta rn eat a re grow one; | Br FUZZELI PRINCEPS. and when e asparagus is finished in London, then my gardener : triumphantly produces a bundle as a treat.” . Cuaprer III. : This does not sound enco ing. But get Mosrurn Dicxre alone | Everything Jolly— Visits to Swells—Holkar, Polkar § Co.—Rummi and walking round his farm about his grounds, and splendid | on the Scoop—Khan—Can't — Difficulties—No Jolly Error— wall-fruit and kitchen garden, where everything is admirably kept— | Umbrella and Hat—Whose— What Cheer—The Jolly Admiral “* I don’t want ’em kept,” he says, “I want ’em for use,’’—and then | —On we goes again. I hear quite another tale. er him so much down to leave the | Nexr Day.—Aurora, flushed and rudd pares the way for lace, with another ready to go into. Would he accept? Not he. | glorious Sokes Apollo, the heavenl ~ Rang in his Eastern ffer any one of his servants the bailiff downw 5 double the | chariot of burnished gold.* He comes like a luminous orange, bril- wages to enter somebody else’s service, would they accept? Not they. | jiant, magnificent, glorious, gorgeous, superb, jolly! Such a sunrise I see baskets of eggs in the house, pans of cream in the dairy, | awaited me—I was a little late, but there it was—as I turned the sheep, cows, bullocks, enough to pro’ 2° queries for six months. | corner of Hyd . Pikkah-Delhi. In such language (as I have Mosrayn Dickre has ed capes gate inks it does good ; in fact, | above written) f described the effect of colour, h my servan I believe that he—the est and most generous of masters—abso- | Rvymt, to the Begum of Dorajah, who archly observed that I should | lutely fancies himself a martinet who has his eye everywhere, and | be called in her own tongue agushar, ie. 88 ical poet. knows, to the fraction of a wine-glass or an egg, what goes on in| But though I have my gifts as a poet, painter, author, sportsman the house or out of it. . : rider, boxer, and so forth, don’t boast ; f only reply “* Me voila! I But his plan with his employés is really Dr. Annon’s Rugby | am a real jolly good fellow, and so say all of us, with three Indian system with the Sixth Form. They are on their honour, as it cheers, ‘ Hipp ! Hipp! Hi ! Hoorajah !?” } nage ree have on ensetent cites ’ = wy —_— ——S Same Day. on Horxar. He was delighted to see me, as been least ears. Bu ? A ‘ Mostars Dscurs was bora to Protest against everything, Fate had an es lag ‘3 P. to Editor —Here’s your real classic style, eh? Some- m Mostnyn Dr w ve been Dicky ; : : . : mentum aa itor to F, P.—Very good. A little over the heads of the Public, which - 4 . fe lain arnished . It is the very perfection of a house to stop at—and this being the |" p'1, ‘Editor Right you are! The Sun is over the heads of the Public. case— I don’t varnish tales; 1 varnish pictures. No matter: shall drop the clas- Happy Thought.—Stop here for the present—and so winter having, | sical. “Luminous orange” is ‘eflective, isn’t it? Even Penny WHISTLER I hope, passed away, 1 conclude this series of Friends at a Distance. | might relish this.

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Apait 12, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL MW Ad N77 PN I / 4 a) / Ypiyjicr yl ; 4, ” 4 Ws, i.in's Yi £50 EM Liew." Hiker Mpa?” ‘ W US NN ALT id) oa EE: yn Wy AU. Ge = SORRY AON NT I / Ba Vin YR Ne | is )) WY) Api Wf iif, “NON HABET LEGES.” Shooting-Man (and Owner of Covers, who has asked a Friend from London yor the last day). ‘‘ On, I say, | wrore TO THE MASTER. ” I TOLD HIM Huntsman. ‘‘1 pess-say. Bur you pipn’t Write To THe Fox. You NEVER TOLD HIM NOTHINK!” we had not met since the occasion of the Prince’s visit, and now I came with an introduction from The Hotxar in England. Hoixar couldn’t attend to me himself, but introduced me to Potkar, who was sitting at tiffin with Sir Jance Orenustvs Sarar June, the Chief of the Great Oriental Record Office, a most entertaining person, who, in his own inimitable way, was telling Potxar tuffuns (1.e. tales of wonder and other marvellous stories), which kept Potkar actually entranced, with a bit of muffin in one hand, and a fork, with a morsel of pickle on it, in the other, and his mouth and eyes wide open, with nothing in either. Sir Jance Orouvstvs Saar June was in the meantime enjoying himself immensely, as he found no difficulty in telling a tuffun and taking in tiffin at the same time. When His Excellency Satan June had retired (leaving very little behind him except dirty plates, six shrimps, and the cruets), Por- KAR’s musicians, the Pipas, came in, for PoLKAR is a great cer, and always indulges in the poetry of motion after tiffin. They were all learning different airs on the ipes. Lasked Porxar if he would give me a sitting. He replied that he would nvt, as it would be beneath his dignity, but that one of his Pipas would oblige, who, thereupon, at a sign from Porxar, handed me a seat. _I protested that this was not what I had meant by “ giving mea sitting.” Then he replied—he is a very stupid man—‘ There is English Church here, and Parson. Potxkar no Parson. Porkar Parsee. Parsee give no sittings. Parson sell ae. You go to Parson, buy sittings.” Whereupon he walked out, in high dudgeon, aceompanied by all his Pipas. Rumi might have smoothed matters for him, but somehow he wouldn’t. Indeed I heard afterwards that he had infuriated Por- KAR against me by telling him that ‘‘ 1 wanted to catch his nose,” which PoLKar resented as a personal insult. Indeed, had I stayed any longer, he would have my head before I got Ars. J is time Ruma was pretending the utmost concern at the failure of my first endeavour. Raised Rummi’s wages conditionally. [Entry in Private Diary.—Must get rid of Rui.) Krammah—a small town not far from here. My friend Khan Ratt Sune’s house is 1700 feet high, surrounded by a grove of sgurmms (a sort of twisted fir) twenty feet deep at least; and | though there is a gulf-stream at the back which is very convenient, | yet, on whole, we are not well off for water. Geologists tell me that at some time of the world’s history, the mountains,—inhabited by tribes owing allegiance to Navrr Kuan, an impossible fellow,— were certainly higher than the plain. Now here, in India, the mountains are themselves quite plain. But I don’t understand logy ; though if there were a science of good fellowship called Soll gy, I should be head swell at it, and in the chair every night. morning (two cars after) called on the Khan of Pawtah, a stout little chap, of rich brownish black colour, rather a frothy st le, and with such a head! He be to a peculiar sect, and public service is conducted by a set of Priestesses called Leandesses, who are very popular as ministering spirits in India. Mi cael The Khan of Pawtah 7 4 is a dirty sort of fellow, ES but I began by usin . soft soap with him, an as I gave him enough of it, he swallowed it, and liked it immensely. Old Pawtan refused flatly to be drawn. There was no help for it, and I retired. I fancy Row has been at work here. He swears he hasn’t. Shall I raise his wages, if he'll tell me the truth? Think over + Still, if I have come here to paint por- traits of the Teaen. I return wi without. a nat wines 4 ; See ee aati aia. = ske ly A { 4 WV a d Ww » toe

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| 168 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL which I had taken by accident out of the hall, after Po.Kkan’s party. (N.B.—Must get rid of Rowmr. ) To-day.—Asked an intelligent Native his opinion of the Imperial Proclamation and the Durbar. He replied, **‘ Shamidna, Sahib, shamidna.” ‘“‘] am very much of your opinion,” I returned, politely, in excel- lent Hindostanee. This morning crossed the Dawb country—very little of which is plain, and all the inhabitants coloured—in order to be introduced to the celebrated Hezaw Anasan VaLHALLAH BrereccuuM, who, years ago, had been an Englishman, but having been at an early on taken up by the Natives, had lived in tents, had accustomed himself to canvas, and become a naturalised Indian. Being naturally quick and clever, with a certain touch of genius, he at once dissented from the popular mode of worship as practised by the Hindoo and Mahom- medan, and, taking a little from both, he proclaimed another prophet in opposition to Manomet, whom he styled Ecomer. The Egomme- dans hold illiberal opinions, but do not interfere with anybody as long as they are allowed to do exactly as they please. The sect has been of late years spreading widely ; and it is now rare to visit any part of India without coming across some of the Egommedans, or worship of Ecomet. The temple is in the form of a gigantic Greek tla. How the Greek architeeture came here I do not pretend to know nor dol care. But whatever archwologists may say to the son- aa here it undoubtedly is. The Hezan Anasan, it is confidently oper Ra-saw. It is said be paints. This may be so; but he has a wonderful complexion, his colour is striking, and, if he does paint, all must admit that he does it very well. Ars est celare artem. He has a taste for dramatic literature, and, in order to induce him to give me a sitting, I pretended interest in a manuscript play of his, which he called Ali Dicky; or, Cussing Richard. This vromised him I would take with me to England, and show to some a I have been as good as my word. I have ‘shown it to several, Could I do more? Here is my portrait of the distinguished Hezanw Arasan VAL- HALLAH Berecuvum. It is considered a wonder- ful likeness. The Val- hallah Beegchum stands six feet ten, and m victure is life-size , so 3 not think I shall enlarge it, unless for a travelling caravan. But that’s a spec. in futuro ; and whenever VALHAL- LAH BEeEGCHUM ma visit this country, i shall make the most of im. Next Day.—Called at the Admiralty. Saw Admiral Sir FLéTanHoy Buotanoy. He is the head ground swell of the Indian Navy, which will one day be of the greatest service to the Empire. His portrait was ver difficult to make, as had to entice the old Admiral out to sea ina WN boat, and induce him to \\\ spin yarns, while I sat in the stern sheets making. a thumbnail sketch. Had he caught sight of me at work, he - \ \ \\\ \ S\\ SN ANY) \\\ would have given orders ES) \ \ \ \\ to “Chuck the Painter \\\ \ \\ overboard,” and a few \ AW of his too faithful : attendants would have sent me head over heels to dive for pearls in the Indian Ocean. One good purl deserves another. And what reparation would the m Government have demanded ? imply, Imperial Government would have been satisfied with the official explanation to the effect that,—"* The boatswain having siupharsbeel the Admiral’s orders, applied the name of Painter to the person, and not the rope, and chucked the former, and | not the latter, into the sea. Pot a ent the Imperial Govern- Milerbhoy, p ment is referred to Jojobhoy p. 102, edition 1540.” However, I sketched the Admiral, and the portrait is one of the 4 ¥ pee I’ve ever made, ugh perhaps I say so who 14 by his admirers, will soon be raised to the rank of full | frp [Apain 12, 1879, on jolly. mee on hot. Here is my sketch of the town of Pawnpore, where my uncle, Sir PorritpHaw Asnonmisnoy, is Political Resident, and is held in high respect by all classes. His house—the Spowht—is thronged m morning to night, and as for his there is such a rush for tickets, that I’ve known all sorts of meannesses practised in order to obtain one of them for a friend. e above sketch has been greatly admired, and I shall, in all emg enlarge it for the Academy, or for exhibition, at a shilling a head, in some Gallery in Bond Street. a Gallery. It is an al to the Jolly Gods. Hooray! It is ly life- like, and I should like to see anyone dare to offer me @ thousand po for it. ‘ Saturday Afternoon.—W ent to tea with Sir Brerottar Jamui- BHOY. Made a sketch of him. _This is one of my best etures. I pro en- arging it for exhibition specially on account of the drapery, which has been much admired. If, on my return from India, the Imperial Government would like to send me anywhere as Colonial Governor—or, if I was not going to stop long, as a Semi-Colon- ial Governor—I should be happy to accept the situation, and go out as Sir Barnttemy Fayre, pS Oe, A Be A means Kan Come Back. I think it a good jovi title, and wouldn’t Sir BartLtemy Fayre in for a Show! Aha! all there when the bell s! on came in to tell me that a jolly bi reward has been offe for the discovery of the man who took the umbrella and hat from Potkar’s. The penalty of taking an umbrella and hat from Potkar’s is death by wage tion, or poison, if | aaa Compelled to square Rummi. Umbrella and hat destroyed. , [Note in Private Diary.—Believe Rumi put the advertisement in The Bengal Tiger himself about the reward. Have written to my solicitors, Messrs. Perrre anp Mren, for advice as to how best to get rid of Ruma. Anxiously await answer.] Six BigrotrTrar JAMMIBHOY ENJOYING HIMSELF. A Radical Reformer’s Prayer. “Messrs. Botckow, VAUGHAN, and Co., heads of the Cleveland iron workers, have at last, by an adaptation of the Bessemer process, succeeded in making steel from Cleveland iron, without any cost beyond that attendant upon the conversion of the richest hematite ores.” Sre Cleveland Pigs from flaws made pure, By potent Bessemer coercion ; For human pigs could we seeure Such swift sure process of conversion ! Day after Yesterday.—Up early, sketching. Everything going £8 To Couausronpanrs.— The Editor does not hold hinasclf bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed envelope y for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned wnless accompanied by a should be kept.

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| Aprit 19, 1879.} PUNCH, OR HE ATTORNEY- GENERAL, in the course of his speech on the night of Thurs- day, April 3rd, in the ouse of Commons, in in- troducing the Bill to codify the Cri- minal Law, ob- served:—“ The code, however, although it does not contain an exposition of the law relating to every indigtable offence to be found ag Statute- s, contains this, to my ining, very salutary pro- vision—that every one who to an indictable offence shall be proceeded against under some provi- | sion of the Bill, or some. statute not inconsistent therewith, and shall not be proceeded against at Common Law.” — Times, April 4, 1879. Snake hands, my Common Barrator! Nor longer eye the world askance ; The law now opens wide its door To and Maintenance, Who knows? In time may even see No great crime in Embracery ! Faves-droppers may henceforth be bold, By prosecutions undismayed ; And our good friend, ‘‘ the Common Scold,” May ply, secure, her roaring trade. For blood from turnips none shall draw Henceforth by screw of Common Law! Old Common Law is dying fast, His undefined dominions fade. See Hotxer sounds the trumpet-blast, And wields his Code as battle-blade. Barry behind, gad Buacksury rush, With Srepnen and the force of Lusn. Ye parities whose bridges fall, ose highways, calibele , decay, Lift up your voices, one and all, With a triumphant “ Hip, hooray!” For prosecutors how no more Shall lay indictments at your door! The stirring soul who hates the night When drowsy towns in slumber lie, May work a fog-horn as of right, And make dull sleep, affrighted, fly. No longer kept in abject awe By the large threats of Common Law ! Poor Common Law! Thy pride is o’er, ’Tis Statute now that rules the roast ; hosts and bogies fled before, f + gd ou, ie 4 of . most, © guide, mayhap, the le elim Of some pale hadamanthine realm ! A DISQUALIFIED LEADER. On the word of a ‘‘Sotprer,” we have it stated, that Colonel Gorpoy, C.E., notwithstanding all his abilities and exploits as a military leader, ‘ would never ve been allowed to hold a Commission, or even a com- batant staff-appointment in the English service; merely ecause he is an officer in the Engineers, and not in either the cavalry or infantry.” As the “ Sorprer” naturally remarks :— “It is almost incredible, yet strictly true, that Colonel THE LONDON CHARIVARL 169 COMMON LAW GHOSTS DEPARTING. | would ast be intrusted with te command of s brigade, oe with tho offive of ‘Assistant. General, in a force of his own countrymen operating against Zulus |” Why, yee sup the British Army to have been reorganised the other day; an yet, w engineering is now acknowledged to be of the first importance in , an Engineer Officer, as such, remains ineligible even to the office of Assistant-Adjutant General. Is not this a survival from the days of “crack” regiments, consisting, for the most of dandies and dunces ? Has Mr. Butt been dreaming of a different survival in the British Army; a new y hers with a competitive otrugele for existence, and a survival of the fittest? Does he now awake to the War Office and the military authorities still tied up with red tape as ridiculously as a ‘ Souprer” repre- sents them to be? ON A LOWE VIEW OF LITERATURE. (By the Boy at the Bookstall.) saint Veottag wel those low, Taner books with the beautiful red backs—that in chareint i which comes off in your hand before you to Kilburn. They are inseparably ed in the mind of every true-born Briton th a railway journey. . . An i im, this direction might be to the public advantage.” —Mr. Lowe at the An inner of the Institute of Civil un Bos Lows be ! My stall-mate, Tarr, who cheeks the old City chaps so, Bays’ nt repetfal taka in of Preps: y| But an M.P, and spouts ’ *s lost the run of, A man *s seen the world—like 1 are make fun of. Yes, seen the world, No sni ! Don’ world by rail now travel ? | tell you there ain’t many as ean gravel. at I say ’s Mister Lowe has mi come a cropper ; ich he does often, in.a style ra nt, for r, Yellow books, with scarlet back ou say, ‘* instanter”’— Now, really, that’s the stale, chaff o Quite in the Cockney comic style of tuppenny Timon smartness Which you drop into now and then, for all your classic tartness. Why, bless your innocent old heart, here’s Tarr and I could sell you ff our own stall a batch of books none so dusty, J can tell you. We ’ve Miri and Mattock, Tynpatt, Tarve—stiff enough for any reader — As well as Brappon, Trottopz, Woop, and her Burnanp calls “ Weepek.” Then if a traveller wants to do a grind by rail, I’ll venture he, Unless i Sap,’ won’t want to fly above Zhe Nineteenth Century ; Or should a sweet Blue-Stocking wish to make her spin pass lightly, She must be precious hard to please if she sneer at the Fortnightly. Bonus, my buffer, well-nigh all the news and nous of London Lies on our stalls, we see the best fp Science, or fun done. I keep my eye upon the lot ; ‘or human » why Sir, i There’s precious few of its games to which us two aren’t fly, Sir. tatesmen, sc them as thunder, them as tinkle, I'll bet you two to we show them many a wrinkle. Ladies, id swells, and spoons, may go in for the mustard covers, But heaps of folk that ride by rail aren’t tooth-pick toffs nor lovers. Old business buffers their ir Bacenor, and their Fawcerrt, You should see ’em with wrinkled brows, their giglamps on and jaws set. Your stiff and sniffy spi too, cateh them with two-bob twisters ! Not they ; their mark is Woman’s Rights and Cries of Stru gling Sisters. Then gushing girls, with such rum Gy ag all for solvin’, Turn up their sweet tip-tilters, save at Swinsvkne, Pater, CoLvry ; I hear the funniest things while dusting, folding, and The pretty pull-backs’ chat, quite free, while their books for.’em I’m changing. tease to know them by their looks — the pomg why : abel, wa usiness, sport, science, love, high-art, there’s few that I can’t label. I know the fashionable fads, sensations hot and shocking All that pokes the parsons up, and moves the beauty or blue-stocking. Books, and res, jokes and journals, buyer’s and lounger’s patter, There ’s little takes the town but what I’m posted in the matter. Tarr laughs and cheeks ; but I take notes ; iety ’s my study ; And I can tell you that a view of railway reading ’s muddy. It’s all onesided, much like those of that smart slogger, Hanxison, Who paints library so blue, bookstall’s rosy by comparison. It’s curious how such clever cards will lay on colour lumpy, Now all whitewash, then all lampblack, just as they feel gay or grumpy. That ’s how your Critics miss their mark in Science, Art, Society ; My berth would teach ’em of this Age the feature is variety. You ’ve been down on Metaphysics, scorned the Classics, dear Roserrus, And now you ’re wiring into us. Your wigging will not hurt us. Smiru will survive it, never fear ; your hits must be much neater, If you would set the times to-rights ; so thinks Yours, truly, Peren. IT WILL NEVER Do. Tue fatal objection to the Electric Light is that it shows things in their true colours! What a world it would be if that alarming result should ever come to pass, Punch need not waste time, ink, and eloquence in insisting. Homeoratuic Cure (for the half-drowned people of Szegedin).—W aeTuam. VOL. LXXVI, Q I te ae OT des geet ie Mes aes \

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eran ee | ~ 170 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Last spoonful before the recess. Monday, April 7.—Ketcuwaro—Why not write that distin- guished Monarch’s name as it is spoken ?—says he is ready to make peace, but we don’t believe him. So Sir Micuart Hicks Beacu informs Mr. Ricuarp—that respectable Quaker being as prone to put faith in the first symptoms of peaceful proclivity in Zululand as cynical officials to distrust them. sut the transports with troops have begun to arrive at Durban, and a relieving column will soon be on its way to Pearson and his beleaguered force. Soon we may hope to have Ekowe answering more distinctly than she hastately been doing, England’s anxious questions about the Buffs and Blues—their gallant comrades of the Naval Brigade. ‘‘ Buffand Blue” isan honoured combination of colours that all Whigs, at least, will say ought to win. Second Reading of the Army Discipline and Regulation Bill. Mr. E. Jenxrns is dissatisfied with its shortcomings, and wants to get rid altogether of secret Courts of Inquiry, and so moves an Amendment. Colonel ALexanpeR and Sir H. Havetock, Sir J. Hay, Colonel Wy Wf [Aprit 19, 1879, hy ae , Hh ih i hi yi} pi n Ml I 4 h Mf iN y . ) | } Wh {) if! Wa Ng! Murr, Major O’Berrne, Major Notan, Mr. Homes, and Sir G. Ba.rour criticised the det.ils of] the Bili, from various military and pseudo-military points of view. But all these minutie of amend, ment, these apices juris militaris, as Sir W. V. Harcourt pointed out, are for Committee. Colonel Strantey admitted that public Courts-Martial were preferable, per se, to private Courts of Inquiry—if the two admitted of comparison, which they don’t. Courts of Inquiry are confidential investigations necessary for the guidance of commanding officers. As to Mr. Brown’s objection to the Volunteers being placed under | the Mutiny Act while drilling with Regulars, Volunteers, s0 | situated, were soldiering and not playing at soldiers, and must | accept this among other liabilities of the soldier’s calling. The Bill moved on to a Second Reading over the body of Ginx’s Baby, and the House adjourned for the Easter recess. | Much good may its brief holiday doit! If weariness and weak- | ness ever earned a fortnight’s ‘interval for refreshment,” this House has earned it! May its Easter eggs prove pregnant of | chickens! And may its Hot-cross buns ies a sweet savour to | }

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Arrit 19, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARI VARL 171 AN EXPLANATION. Sylvia, “‘1 woNDER WHAT THAT OLD WomAN MEANT BY SAYING HER CUP WAS OVER- FLOWING, WHEN MAMMA GAVE HER THE COLD CHICKEN.” May. ‘‘1 supposk 8HE MEANT HER Mov TH WATERED.”’ compensate for their hotness and cross-ness! Poor Premrer, he will have anything but an easy Easter of it! Hot they come, and ever hotter, buns their various crosses bearing, More than e’en Ais strength can carry, past e’en his power of not caring ; Hot-cross buns of Zululand, with KeTcHwAyo’ 8 cross im Hot-cross buns of Afghanistan, with Yakoon’s cross roughly dinted : Hot-cross buns of Roumelia, with Cross and Crescent saltire-wise ; Hot-cross buns of Thessalia, with Greek Cross and Slavic halter-wise ; Hot-cross buns of Asia Minor, with the cross in every fashion, Armenian, Koordish, Turkish, Georgian, Kalmuck and Circassian ; Then the hot-cross buns abaking i in Burmah, Egypt, all about, Whose crosses Ministers can’t brag, and don’t like to sing small about,— Tis evident that Beaconsr1eLp of hot-cross buns his hands full, And that Ais recess of anything but peace and quiet stands full! EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF AN (EGYPTIAN) ENNUYE. Mowpay.—Rose to “‘ Rule’ Britannia” —y ay private brass-band. Had roast- lum-pudding, and mince-pies for ast, to which I invited the English Minister -—" Finance, Had a long 2: eon- fidential chat with that intelligent foreigner. ew that I loved the English, re- Queen Vicronia, and worshipped t e Lord Mayor. Informed the Minister that I had entered horses in my own name for the Derby, and desired above all things to be a member of Tarrersa.’s, Suggested a Cattle Show at Cairo in December, and a University Boat Race on the Nile. Hinted that France and England were natural ene- mies, and that t pe lecnes to England for protection from Suggested that the English Minister had a right to un- limited backsheesh, proposed a new loan. The Minister nna to all I had to say, and told me that he could only act in concert with his French coteagee. Much annoyed, Courbashed my household, and kicked my eldest son. Tuesday. — Rose to a selection from the latest French Opéra bouffe produced at my ra-house. A very recherché déjeuner a la fourchette served up by my chef, to which I invited my dear comrade the French Minister for Public Works. Had a long and confidential chat with that intelligent foreigner. Explained that I admired the French, hg nd 2 all the glories of France, an aly supee, appre- ciated Republican fosientions’ nfo the Minister that I wished to be Bes a Frenchman, and desired to be buried in Paris as the centre of civilisation, Hinted that England and France were natural enemies, and that Egypt looked » France for protection from Expressed my surprise that no attempt had been made out the stain of Waterloo. Sug- A x that a French Minister had just as fa a right to make his fortune on the ks of the Nile as on those of the Seine, proposed a new loan. The Minister tnten bat to all I had to say, and told me he could — act in — with his English co Much anno Gave my house- hold the ‘stick, and kic “i my second son. ee ay. = On waking oveenes ny private hme sg rri of ita Austrian, Germ 1 eden national — Sent for pe | the Foreign sod bey e exception ng an rene and entertained them at a Had a long and confidential chat srt them. Explained that I was passionately fond of German sausages, Russian caviare, Austrian dampf-nédeln, and Italian macaroni. Said that I considered it an honour to be connected with the Turk, and was, there- fore, keenly interested in the Treaty of Berlin. Hinted that the Western Powers & assisted or the Triple Alliance. that the Crimean and ll roe on Wars should have caused so much damage to Russia and Austria. Pointed out that France was recov from the blow dealt her by Germany, that England was a rival 0 Italy in the Mediterranean. ki +47 F Te Onell ae © ‘or any Foreign who gave o t cordial : to native and natural a ity in Finall a — te lab. the Coecale listened I had to say, and told me that they could ie nothing without consulting their

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ae tore * 7 &: | | | | mutiny in the Army, and a strike in the Public Offices. | ments to insult the English and French Ministers, and to turn out 172 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Arai 19, 1879. respective Governments. Much annoyed. Bastinadoed my house- hold, and kicked my third son. Thursday.—Got up early, and organised riots in the streets, Sent regi- the Members of my Cabinet. Rehearsed speeches to my troops in the morning, and i them in the afternoon. Alarming outbreaks, which I wee, On restoring order, proposed a new loan. The English and French Ministers langhed in my face, and the Foreign Consuls turned their backs upon me. Much annoyed. Spent the evening and a great part of the night in kicking my household and all my sons. Friday.—Hard at work all day apologising to everybody. Sent | telegrams to Paris, London, St. Petersburg, Berlin, Vienna, and | fall in the Funds. | annoyed. Rome, expressing my sincere regret for what had occurred yesterday, and pe never to do it again. Announced my settled resolve | to follow the orders of the English and French Ministers. Embraced everybody with effusion, and pr new loans all round. Heavy Obliged to sell for the settlement. Greatly Courbashed and sticked my household, and regretted I had no - sons to kick, haying kicked them all into the middle of next week. Saturday.—Insulted England and France. Defied Europe. Upset everything. Declared myself independent, my policy, ‘‘ No Sur- render!” and proclaimed a new loan. Waited to see what would turn up. Sunday.—General collapse! Packed up my portmanteau. INJYABLE INJIA; oR, Nores anp SketcHes oF A SpPECIALLY-ComMIssIONED ARTIST. BY FUZZELI PRINCEPS. Cuapter IV. A Little Sport—Jolly— Turban—Rummi— Spec —Tin— Difficulty— Solicitors—More Rajahs — Smashas — Hippodrome — Injyable Jokes — Bustahs —Loeal Colour —Expression—Slidodja “Barly Marriages— Mehuggur — Simla — Riddle — Another Bustah — Di fliculty— Forwards ! Monday.—Called on Sir Jrssegsee Juoxkrenoy, who is getting | wp the Kilapore Fellah Steeple-Chace. A great sportsman, and a | him strongly not to ride himself. regular Howdah (i.e. tiptop Indian swell) is Sir Jisseesxr. I advised : ‘ . If he did, I entreated him to abandon his gigantic turban. He’s as obstinate asa mule. And the more I pressed him not to | ride, the more he would. So what was left for me but to bet against | him, and make the best out of him I could? My man Rumi | attended Sir JissExsEx, and I promised him a handsome per-centage | if all should turn out well. Poor Sir JissEesEE! There was a high wind blowing directly at him, and as he came at full speed, it eaught his jolly old turban, which was firmly glued on to his bald pate, and literally turned his head. Had the wind veered round, with equal foree, to the opposite quarter, he might have been saved, but fate had ordered it otherwise, and he fell at his third fence, with his head regularly embedded in this abominable turban. However, ’tis an ill wind that blows no one any luck ; and on going round to collect my debts, I found I had made a cool thou. one way and another. Unfortunately, my success was discounted by Rumi having taken upon himself the office of Collector before I began, and when | came to settle up with him afterwards, he presented me with such a list of bills, which he swore he had paid for me since I had been in Injia, that I was quite staggered; and, as they were all receipted, | could not dispute his word, and was compelled to take twenty-five pounds, ready cash, as representing all that remained to me of my winnings after payment of just debts. Private Note in Diary. Must t rid of Rumi. reply from my solicitors, Messrs. Perrre anp MIEN. _ Wednesday.—Asked Bicsawar, the Maharajah of Chattabore, to sit still, but e wouldn’t, and nearly talked me to death. 1 tried to fix the Rajah Sarexar, but having been once frightened by a photo- grapher, he always hid himself at my approach, and my only chance was to take a one-eyed view of him through a keyhole. found, however, that it was us to trifle with Surekar; as the photographer in question had been beaten to death by the Smashas (a sort of flat spade, with a bamboo handle, used for killing flies) carried by his attendants. Thursday next.—Called on Her Hi She is very showy, as is everything about her, and the style in which she lives *‘ reminds me,” as I observed to Rajah GurecELar, “‘ of some splendid scene in a grand spectacular drama at Myexs’s Hippodrome, which,” I added, ‘is a Cireus everyone ad-myers.” As yet had no ness BHoBEL. GuiceELaR understands English, and_ screamed with delight. Then he clapped his hands, and a thousand ebon slaves rushed in, to whom he told the joke, which, I must say, is a first-rate one, and made me laugh at it myself, which shows it must be a regular bustah, as we say in Injia. They all bowed themselves to the earth with laughter, holding their hands to their sides, all except one man, who was immediately taken out and executed. Subsequently, it was discovered that he was deaf. ‘*What it matter?” exclaimed GuiaeEtar, carelessly. ‘‘ Here to-day, gone to-morrow! Don’t hear to-day, gone same day! Eh?” It was a stupid joke, but I screamed like a macaw, out of compli- ment to GuiceeLaR, and also remembering the fate of the man who didn’t laugh at the right time. Such is life—in Injyable Injia! Here is my portrait of Guicecetar. One of the best things I’ve ever done. The following Day.—Fol- lowed er Highness BuoseL everywhere. She is a beau- tiful creature, but very shy and reserved. Through a grating in the palace she whispered to me, é “*Me like you. You nicey- picey. Followers no allowed.” I said, ‘‘O beautiful Bird of Paradise, whose eyes are like the morning star, and whose nose is like the setting sun, let me take you!” She replied, simply, Whar?” ** Here!” was my answer. And in less than half a jiffey { had produced pencil, paints, canvas, etcetera. ** More than head worth,” she cried, pointing to her own. wit wil be when it’s finished,” I replied, paintin: away all my might an main. “If head seen at grille,” she ea faintly —— ** There will be a chop,” I interrupted, knowing the fate of all the ladies of the Zenana, who dare to smile on anyone save their liege lord. And she was smiling at me like winky! But I am adamant. “Ts um stake worth it?” she asked, archly. I pressed one hand to my heart, while with the other I dashed “her eyes on to the canvas. Searcely had I dotted her eyes, than she ut- tered an exclamation of horror, and disappeared. ind mé stood the Parharajah FrovzEr- sHaH, her lord and master, a horrid old fellow, followed by his favourite, MusTIPHa Wrnza. Their ‘‘ capa- risons were odorous.” I secreted my sketch adroitly, and whistled a tune. But it was a narrow escape. I have known a man strangled for less. I caught my servant Rumi outside, laugh- ing. He belongs to a sect called the Chuk- lars. They take a cyni- cal view of life, and enjoy the misfortunes of others. N.B.—Private Note, — Must get rid of Rumi. ire Petrie anp Mren. oc Saturday.—I make this, asa rule, my Sitterday—if I can get any- one to sit. A notion has struck me, which I shall to carry into effect— Mesmerism or chloroform for sitters. Patent the idea. This afternoon tried it on Gutecetar. Got the laughing-gas, and under pretence of giving him something to drink, made Ms inhale Wi, oe Pry o\V77 OAL ISS | MA Ae ZZ oe | ee) wT

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Aprit 19, 1879.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 173 | it. The os + was electrical. But he wouldn't sit. No. The |Showman, who is always in tears, makes a /ac per diem, by exhibiting | laughin; ¢-e0s had an extraordinary effect on him. It played “ the | the well. merry blazes” with him.* He danced, raved, roared, ranted, laughed,| ‘‘ Aha!” 1 exclaimed immediately this was told me, “ That’s one made such a noise thatall the Court rushed in to see t was “i he i is always weeping. His cry must be ‘ Alack and a well-a- y the matter. day ! sd

Fortunately, Strpopsa, the chief of the — duty| All India resounds with this bustah (a most laughable jeu de se it is to keep the sacred locks of Brahma well oiled—looked at me, | mot), and Rajahs who had a previous knowledge of English are Te and held up a rupee, unseen to the rest, to which I nae signifi- | already peqinning 9 couses of instruction in order 4 come out with | Eat cantly by 8 eading ot three fingers of one hand. understood | this in the os I am becoming famous for bustahs. me, and, silence, he ‘or aoa to them that G As the Rajahs insist on sitting for their portraits as early as > was now inspired. " "They all wit drew odemaly, and T paid Bux 6 4.0, | om compete © See See Grey merning. That ’s the ae onsa tees ce fa down yh Sw and bolted. Lite ey Oy a rise out of me.” ! Another bustah / ie at the price t try laughing-gas omer bs —Roma not} I thought I had got over the difficulty by sitting up all night with A ‘in it” this ine, “ getti ba clever by rai servant Rummi, to mix my colours and cut my pencils. Ml Eveni: harry, as I said to the iain he must have m Sivens too arene, 0 have a vague 2 (or driv ives Wig to set down one rool gharry two.” | ree of ha several Rajahs at once. Here's one os didn’t oat the gharry, but left whistling “‘ Gharry é all iF.

witike Hower tateetend’ the ee tach we cheat be be back ite Se eens be en, Bet it down Se e a ry at a let bor made it. het can t it without a smile.) the Injians, what Gretna Green used to be to us. Here we saw several Chits (spinaties under forty) who had arrived, clandestinely, with their eR Na and devoted lovers. I am we: safe e, for I cannot forget--—— But no mH. Oh, my | heart —an ‘Loot !! All at Mehuggur are “‘ persons about to ee ’ and only waiting to take their turn, when the Early are the Cuss ba the Coun wage ce Every fakes piece at a 4am. I 4 in first-rate style for a wedding; but to get myoelt hs asking vethes much. ; 4) The w to-day was to take uke plage at hg which is to ek Splicags iy eens rs licensed to marry any one—I mean licensed to pea as utariage ceremony) are ready to operate. rove on from Mereweah to a well-known spot, where I said to

Bie uy had just dropped in (what was he doing here, the sly ‘* Why is one Amst in Injia like another P " PoLKAR **Me not know dat, Sar.” ** Because,” I answered—‘‘ because its Simla.” He had never heard it before, and bought it on the spot. Romi was very nearly interferin bat “ said (on my fingers), ‘‘ Halves! ” and he held his contemalel bum Private Diary.—What on oth ‘shall I do with Rumer? I can’t form him, or re-form him ; I must chloro-form him, and leave him behind. My solicitors, Perrre awp Mrey, don’t answer. When I find my solicitors don’ t answer, I change them. 4 PoLKAR’s an ass; or, as they call him here, a Duffadar, which

means about the same thing. My Sxercu or Rapisuan Rasau avren I Hap SAT UP TILL 4 A.M. TO uesday after.—Visited “the Sacred Well. The well is very deep SANS MINS. aaa thousand fathoms; and at the bottom, so they say, is The can’t quite recognise my own signature. Still, the picture is Truth hidden. Of course I couldn’t get at The Truth. fe pious ain y — pt when enlarged, will draw a heap of coin I * From = F. mm =| 4 t like this expression “‘ merry blazes.” ~~ pnt Poh —Just resined 6 private note from Baronet. et on , Ep. F. mP. ‘to Editor. —Deer off ba no jolly error. The expression is quite She asks me to fly sane her. Not if n know it. Write back to say,

, “ Very sorry—can’t. harmless. Let you havea peck of ‘em at half the price. It gives local colour. If I wrote like cayeeby das, what should Ibe worth? Eh? I won't swear| 1 must leave this and get on, hen when a slighted ies Princess that I haven’t heard a very reverend pal of mine ust precisely the same ex- gets madly jealous, she has more than two strings to her bow, and prosion. Keep it in, or chuck it wp, and them where are you, eh, my boy ?— | one of em might be round the 1 neck of an gay cavalier before he ours heartily, F. P. can say knife. Off to next place.

Women’s Work in the Parish. A Duck of Ten Thousand. Canny Yorkshiremen are far too far North to doanything unwise;| We read in a recent number of the Berwick Advertiser that We may therefore re} to learn that— “The Duck of NorTHUMBERLAND has promised £10,000, and the Bishop- “In the Backrose Division of the East Riding of Yorkshire the Magis-| Elect of Dunnam £3000, towards the foundation of the Bishopric of New- trates have appointed Mrs. Aww Simpson as Surveyor of Roads for the parish | castle.” f Kirb the Wolds.”’ ; Let a hoe ha hen aber of Woman will induce the parochial We have often heard of the “Cock of the North,” but the a authorities of Kirby Grindalyth to mend their ways. < Reng apne - te te w Fs “wace to know he

4 oe @ eee Aw Excetient Sunstrrure ror “ Canpacz.”—The “ every-day IgNoRAMUS mye] he wonders that accidents do not more avee innate poneticn | between tailors and customers,” confessed by one of the happen at Cambrid here, what with Classical and Mathema ormer, of pg. may = geteg their old liveries as new ones, pean there must Bethe the constant danger of coming down between | and a second time. wo stoo

Srrar SPrRITU Harp W: wax Eeyrprian Bowp-n0Lpens.—To hold their Ghoste with tA Spirit Level assem — The thing to My » ‘ocipel to bia Rena and to out eels intemmeh ant ed Gham.

Jom Occuration.—Carving at a School-table.

Awartine Lorp CHeLmsroun.— Victoria Cross.

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a | 174 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Arrr, 19, 1879. —= a ee ee a4 ALS ‘ Y tte f Sn RX i i Uy ( mn Yi iy Y!, Mm; i il: ty . y SUA g i : : ZA dtl NY AT MADAME ALDEGOND’S (REGENT STREET). First Dressmaker. ‘‘Do vourn—a—WwEAR CHAMOIS LEATHER UNDERCLOTHING ?” New Customer. ‘‘ No; CERTAINLY NOT.”’ First Dresemaker. ‘On! THEN PRAY TAKE A SEAT, AND I WILL SEND THE Szconp Daxsemaxen |” Of grasping greed, and infamous intrigue. Without firm footi = i side of right, . _ Aid arch-r -rogue [smart in his ruthless rule, POOR FELLAH! Or, duped by him, play the check-mated fool, Poor patient victim of a ding yoke! Bound in an unsought agp to oo, Mirth at thy piteous plight repenic its joke. Or to throw up the cards in shame or fear. Since Israel’s children in the self-same land, And yet, entrapped in Policy’s sly maze, | Under the harsh taskmaster’s heavy hand, Half-blinded by Imperialism’s craze, Toiled, groaning at “+ toil in dumb despair, He knows not, hour from hour, what ae on What human beast such burden ever bare, May be prep ared for him by statecraft’s With limbs so weak, and sinews so relaxed, But tos hold on all his high i, By ruffians tortured and by rogues o’ertaxed ?— Prey to a policy of false positions. O'erladen ever, whatsoever shift Of rulers promises the load to lift. Pas The Turk long tortured thee; now East and West, A WORD TO THE CRAFT. ae Combine t Spee a md oe a denile lead. Amone the candidates for one of the annuities in the gift of the | Promise to spare the burden or the goad Freemasons, under his own obseurer name of Ricnarp HENRY 3 Avails thee A ttle yet, that hopest in vain Marsu, is Mr. Henry Marston, so well-known to all London play- 3 Mercy from Mammon, help from false dhicene. goers of a few years ago, as one of the leading actors in the company pai: Pashas and politicians counterschem of Samve. Puecps, during the palmy days of Sadler’s Wells Theatre. ee Bondholders beg, and wil pot my — In age and poverty, disabled by rheumatism from following his i Spouters declaim now bee ists denounce, pas” vy and with a wife and daughter dependent on him, he now E- But is thy burden ]i nee ¥ an ounce ? seeks the aid of that Masonic charity which never fails the deserving. i The lure, the lash, have they not both one end ? Punch has been asked, as one of the perpetual Grand Masters of the : The bait, the bastinado, both but tend Order, to urge the case on the attention of the brethren, and does so oe To the same issue of more toil for thee. with heart y good-will, in the name of good work well — = é But there are Englishmen who blush to see _—_ year, in the cause of good Stage-Art, in one of its worthiest 4 | Britons, in name, mixed with the motley league and bravest enterprises. | & Or power unshackl. th shrewd wrong to fight, wet op Snap 2, Joun Buty’s bef ct he knows not how he stands, Owe of the ceremonies at the consecration of a new Prince of the : Mixed with the ped g plots of far-off lands, Church, is that known as “ g and shutting the Cardinal’s § Like ana wi ny ee yriad threads ensnared, —— yey ay NEwMAnN's comm the ree pf aot a boy4 a Leac ways, yet ever unprepared. to orm latter tion. opens mouth, 1 Tie not fee fonene feed ware be shuts it, it will be, not at any third to op’ Or to o strike hands with that poor ellah’s foes,— to ore Ene but because he sees no good reason for opening it.

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Is "i, j Ny Lea I \ TT ‘ ty PUNCH, OR THE LONTON CHARIVARL—Aparr. 19, 1879. POOR FELLAH! HE ’S A BERRY FINE DONKEY WHEN I’M ’LOWED TO RIDE HIM MYSELF, Ismarz Kuep-Dive (the Egyptian Donkey-Driver), “‘CLAR DE WAY, YOU GIAOURS! AND PLENTY STICK!”

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a Aprit 19, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 177 METEOROLOGY FOR THE MILLION. mone Mr. Punch’s Easter Offerings must be one of thanks to the Clerk of the Weather. That great functionary— one of the most important in the United Kingdom, hardly inferior in utility to the Earl hal, or the Lord Pri cently “ Any pe _ —-- — =— by tener Tie th telegra the eteorolo : Office the latest information as to the the Uni gdom by peyment of a fee of 1s., in addition to 2s., the cost of || the message to the Meteoro- | logical Office and the reply. The telegram containing the inquiry must not ex- ceed twenty words in cength, and must Ne oa ressed, eteoro Office, London.’” i amples of the sort of tele- gram to be addressed to the Meteorological Office were appended to this notice, purporting to come from an ideal Jones, and an imaginary Suirn; but they possessed no interest, either public or domestic. Mr. Punch, who forecasts that- a nation, the staple of whose con- versation is the weather, are sure to pour in their telegrams by the thousand to the Weather Office, has drawn up a few specimen messages, all within the preseri limits, which he hopes may be useful to those of his fellow-countrymen (and countrywomen), who wish to address inquiries to the Clerk of the Weather. ExamPLe I1.—From Rose Eleanor Darling, nadown, Bren- chamleigh, North Devon.—‘ Will there be sunshine here next Thursday morning, about half-past eleven? G. laughs at me for being so superstitious.” (If sunshine cannot be promised to this applicant, tlegueaking on the eveof the most momentous event in her life, it is hoped that no cynical Clerk will indulge in untimely jesting about the certainty of ‘‘ moonshine” following.) Exampte Il.—From ZR. H. G. Baily (Captain of the Eleven), Rev. Dr. Martinett, Under Norwood.—'‘We want to play the ‘Amalgamated Jin ’ either Tuesday or Wednesday w Which day will be the finest ?” ExamPte Iil.— From Millicent Mary Frances Hammerton, Admirals, Bishopsleigh, Herts.—‘‘ Mamma wishes to ask the Betts, CayMeE-Extises, Buisstyctons, and other friends, to lawn-tennis. What day do you recommend ? ” Exampite IV.—From Mrs. Posselwhyte, 4 Cranberry Street, W. il be fine, e — = = —* Dear Sir,—Do say whether Monday wi have a three weeks’ wash. i BERT JOHN is so grumpy. Exampite V.—From Miss Thoby, Market , Wharfemoore,— “IT am crossing the Channel to-morrow. How the sea Saunders, my maid, is such a bad sailor.” EXAMPLE Vi From Rev. Horace Pink, Charmside Rectory, Windover.—‘‘ Committee very anxious for splendid weather for Flower Show. Can you help us to a date between now and thirtieth ?” Exampte VII.— From the Mayor of Newland-under-Edge.— ‘ First stone of new Town-Hall to be laid, with Masonic honours, on Tuesday. ill morning or afternoon be best ?”’ Exampie VILI.— From Major Hooper Wingham, Four Parlours, Odbury, Suffolk.—* Want to have a shooting-party either the second or third week in September. How will weather be then?” _ Exampie IX.—From Sir Hubert Fane, Reynard’s Court, Hunt- tngien.—"" Hounds not been out fora month. When will the frost go ‘ Qur White Elephants. A ConRESPONDENT of one of the daily papers advocates the et- ployment of elephants in Africa. We have at least one white one, not two, there already, and the Government have several on hand elsewhere—in Afghanistan, for instance. Could not something be done with these embarrassing ani in these hard times ? Burmah might take a few off our hands. The animal is highly prized there, which is more than can be said of it anywhere else. weather in any district of Os OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. A Protest in Advance— Taprytions— Notes and Notices— Coming Srx,—Now that the Pantomime Season—a very short one this pddae © oie the d annuall protest, then, is agai persistent and annually-recurring ol at certain well-known Fairy Tales as the subjects of Pantomime. Cinderella has latterly been deeply sinned against. Poor old Cinderella ! 1 am sorry for her, was—nay, she is, in herself, a from Pantomime, a very charming, lovable person; but now ve too much of her, and she bores me horribly. Not her by any means, I admit that. I own to being as much bored, time, by the eternal pictures of certain Society Beauties—specially those of Society—as I am by a subject for Pantomime, I turn away from the Pho- where I know these Beauties, in various costumes, as little costume as decency will permit, are dis- oa attracted me with a ing of a beauty which played. If, when having stopped to examine certain wonderful P hs of interiors of Foreign Churches, or reproductions of the ¥ Berwarprno Luryi, | am y confronted by the me of the lovely im. Game, oe the Beau i d a py poo rs. Lax —perhaps in fancy as nguisher Lass —o. ing Du of Fueeeniee in’ a swing, I sigh reste ** Ah, here they are 1” and retire with a Titty agninet the shopman who Madonna, and then ) ty before my eyes a 80 ? Am I see some “ | the Giant If I f° to time, | am the h cial rhen the me in the entitled Cinder here the oss ‘Glass Feu i “4 ouse i Jack built, a her pions ,—which font mate ini d to léave as little as ’ ht to start up in the same town. At another house, inderella, in ate dire i mane re ‘ ar m and the Glass S. ; z dis od or Mheh ond Jill went up a Hill; a n } ¢ Boo und the Fairies of the Silver Well. ella! §& , uch ¢hance when mixed up with these celeb But the titles only serve to show how unattractive the a story lei come to be considered in the experienced judgment of Pantomime Writers and Managers. If it is necessary to disguise her in the clothes of Red Riding Hood, and instead of the simple little glass slipper, to give her the seven league , in order to make her “ go” at all, then Cinder- ella’s day 1s o’er, and the sooner she and Jack the Giant Killer, and Jack and the Beanstalk, and Red Riding Hood, and Blue Beard, are all relegated to a Limbo Fabularum Pantomimicarum the better for theatres and the public at Christmas. They need only stay in this Limbo for a certain , and issue thence like Jock endl lente, selebel Let the of nursery story lie fallow f hile. it there are new which will be found just ss ple atc, tnd which will offer plenty of space for the exercise on. oie peer Re Be get ty ete, Several pak % sano Wae taal Soee thing’ she is more 1 than ers, look to it cag ge ace ain you, take the quéstion in oon Sree on at on The Hunchback, at the Adelphi, ce. ae up for twelve nights only, has made such a hit that it wi bly continue in the bills for a | ry well past and gone, and the Italian Opera season is on us, |

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rsa: eae ll a. 0. ee a atte é 23) ai ag PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 19, 1879, in Z@ aU yy, Y , ZB | p> \ ' eg A N ANY SS rs . \ ‘Ne \ -.,.hCU\ Fact) Fae \= DIET. Village Doctor. ‘‘ Wet, ARE YOU BETTER? LARLY, AND EATEN PLENTY OF ANIMAL Foop?” Patient. ‘‘ Yes, Sin, I TRIED IT, AND 8O LONG AS IT WERE Bg-ANS AND O-aTs, I COULD HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR MEDICINE REGU- | MANAGE POOTY WELL, Sik ; BUT WHEN YOU COME TO THAT THERE CHOPPED Hay, THAT RIGHT-DOWN CHOKED ME, Sir!” | couple of months. Such is the } gos uncertainty of Theatrical ry ogee and though everything is prepared for Amy sart, she will not, in all probability, be required for some tame to come. The Spring seems to be giving quite an impulse to the theatres. Our Boys make way—as a matter of politeness, place aux Dames !—for The Girls, at the Vaudeville. Esmeralda, brand new, brilliant and utiful, smiles on Mr. Jonn HoLirnes- HEAD’s “‘ Jeunesse stage-doorée ;” and 7ruth is in a well of which they have not yet reached the bottom at the Criterion. A new Burlesque on the Lady of Lyons is to be given at the—no, not Lyceum—at the Seen, and Madame Setmva Dotano—whose name always calls to my mind the chorus of ueeou 0. om the Folly Theatre with Les Dragons Villars—that’s the name, I think. It looks formidable and tomimic until you remember that the French Dragons are only dragoons. Success to her troupe and her troopers ! At the Court The Ladies’ Battle is ad- mirably played by night, and for his matinées Mr. Hare announces 7'he Queen’s Shilling, which is, I fancy, our old friend The Lancers in a new uniform—or, if the uniform is not entirely new, the buttons have been furbished,up a bit. Mr. Epcar Bruce and a talentedcompany will soon appear at the Royalty with a new farcical comedy, original, by Mr. Sims (without the Reeves), and Dr. Sutiivan’s The Zoo pone, for the onnene. a oe of rury Lane—poor Done-Dreary e !—is still Loleaiiek bak as there is already a Court Theatre, why not re-open Vy as “* The > egg, sd Court Theatre?” Not a bad title. missioners in Bankruptcy to take the tickets and passes, sheriffs’ officers in full uniform to replace the sen- tinels on duty outside, and, of course, the first revival to be, 4 New Way to Pay Old Debts. The, Drury Lane Renters could assist by perambulating London as Sand- wich - Islanders carrying bills. By the way, it is a libel on the men of Sandwich— that ancient loyal port—to style the board- men—‘‘ Sandwich-men.”’ Poor Sandwich Islanders, poor day-boarders !— Hereditary Boardmen! know ye not, Who would be free themselves must strike—for wages. But they are earning an honest penny, and diffusing useful knowledge, and, i un- certain of their lodging, they are at least provided with their ls The Strand produces a French Opéra bouffe, called Madame Favart—of which I know nothing, and so can only observe that one may go Furvar and fare worse ; and this jeu de mot proving that I am in extremis, 1 conclude my enlightened re- marks by signing myself now as always, Your REPRESENTATIVE. SUMMUM JUS SUMMA INJURIA. Tue liability of trustees holding shares for their cestut que trusts in companies of unlimited liability to the full extent of their own property, as well as that of their cestus que trusts, confirmed by the jotenes in Muir and Others v. The Glasgow Bank and Liquidators, is no doubt good law according to the decision of the House of Lords in Lumsden vy. Buchanan, That such is the law, according to the decided cases, is the best reason why the law should be altered as soon as may be. Now that the between Law and Equity has been bridged over in Courts P ure and Forms, it seems absurd that a decision, which to the naked eye of la reason is in the very teeth of Equity, sho continue to be good Law. Let the House of Commons step in to right the grievous wrong which the House of Lords has pro- claimed to be Law in the case of trustees imited Banks. holding shares in . Better still, let it lay its axe to the root of the tree, and eut down such unlimited com nies into limited ones as soon as may be, and that in the interest of creditors quite as much as of shareholders. Express From Lonpon To CHELMSFORD. Laro— Laro— Dolly Dolaro! — The Giant amongst mili Lord Blunder-bore. bid

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Aprit 19, 1879.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 179 FROM THE EMERALD Visitor. ‘‘Mrs. Bonrtrou aT HOME!” New Irish Footman, ‘‘ Mrs. BosiTroL 18 NOT AT HOME, Sor, I DON’T RIGHTLY KNOW IF SHE WON’T SEE you!” ISLE. But CAIRO-MANCY. (A Prophecy a V Egyptienne.) Tue Kuepive, in a commendable fit of patriotism, having announced his intention of making several personal sacrifices with a view to restoring the financial integrity of his country, Mr. Punch suggests the following historic forecast :— 1879. Egypt declared solvent by Act of Parliament. Departure of Mr. Rrvers Witson and Mons. pe Biienréres, by deck-passage and third-class night excursion train and P. 0., for London and Paris. The era of economy commences. 1880. The Coptic Patriarch first seen walking about in calico on a week-day. 1881. Tensions after fifty years’ service pronounced a luxury, and abolished. ‘‘ Faust” played at the Grand Opera at Cairo with- out a corps de ballet, and with a chorus of four. 1882. General reduction of official salaries. The Ministers of Agriculture, the Interior, Foreign Affairs, Education, and Public Works, receive a five-pound note each, in full of all demands, on New Year's Day. Rise of one in Unified Stock. of economical reforms. The Ministry of Finance a irman. Personal collection of taxes by the KHEDIvE. 1884, vency of the i 4 State ina ted by a public banquet of Revalenta Arabica and Imperial Pop. Three generals of division receive an ent on account of arrears of pay for the year before instalm last amid indescribable enthusiasm. 1885. Popular prosperity commences, The Kueprve suddenl collects six y taxes in advance, purchases tive ironclads, buil three new and produces Le Prophéte at the Grand Opera, with a full band, and chorus of three hundred and seventy. 1886. Prosperity at its zenith. Patent leather boots on. ay at official receptions. The new Consolidated National Twenty-five per Cent. Loan offered on advantageous terms to a banking-house in Copenhagen, and declined. : : ; 1887. No signs of decrease in national prosperity. The use of fireworks on holidays made compulsory. Third era of new financial reforms begins. e Knepive again collects ages of another three years’ taxes in advance, and mortgages the Nile and its Banks to the House of Roruscuitp after a solemn religious function by the Grand Ulema. ‘ 1888. Offensive and defensive National Alliance concluded Monaco. Failure of the Kuxprve to prosecute further financial reforms. Panic. et: ? 1889. General exodus of everybody for the interior of Africa ; and first appearance of the late Viceroy in Messrs. MASKELYNE an Coox’s Entertainment at the Egyptian Hall favourably noticed in the Sunday ee But Mr. Punch need not continue his prophetic research much further ; the above, no doubt, being quite enough for the moment to satisfy the most sanguine believers in the astute ruler whose “* plighted word” has just proved of such marketable value at Cairo, and elsewhere. PHRASES FOR ENGLISH TOURISTS TRAVELLING IN ROUMELIA DURING THE MIXED OCCUPATION, To be Translated into German and Russian, I wave only come to see the country, and have no intention of proclaiming myself King of Bulgaria. I do not ish to seize the Treasury, or to upset the Administration, = raise a revolt against the Sutran, I only want to find a respect- able hotel. The three Ladies (one of them elderly), two Boys, and the Man, are merely my family. I most solemnly declare that they are not troops in Se. I do not wish to take the Capital by surprise, but merely to dis- cover a good table d’hite. I have the greatest possible respect for the Treaty of Berlin, and would not embroil the mang & owers in a dispute for worlds. 1 may say the same for my wife, daughters, sons (both of them travel- tas be f-price as under twelve), and my servant, who is a native of ackney. I love the Austrians with all my heart and soul, and feel that ee England and Austria are united, nothing is to be feared from ussia. I know that the Austrians were pleased to hear of our victories in the Crimea, and that vm | hate the Russians as much as we do. It certainly was delightful that the Russians should have been hogs out of a gop by a British Fleet. hat England has done once, she will do again, when the time comes. What! La are you taking me to be shot? What have I done? I had no intention of giving offence ! You a Russian! On my word of honour, | believed you to be an Austrian ! Please, Sir, let me off this time ; and I won’t do it again ! Extravagance or Economy ? Some landlords have been complaining of the extravagance of the farmers in keeping Governesses for their children. But is there any domestic “‘slavey” as cheap as a Governess? If they had com- plained of the farmers keeping Cooks ! Read this from the Daily Telegraph of the 4th inst. :— OVERNESS WANTED (daily), hours from nine to six, to teach the rudiments of Latin, French, Music, and English, and to take charge of two little boys, ages mx and eight. Salary, £18. Apply, by letter, &e. And this offer comes from the enineetty genteel region of the Regent’s Park, too. Punch would be glad to know what servant in that Regent’s Park household is expected to do as much work for as little pay as the Daily Governess. AFTER READING LORD HAKRIS'S LETTER TO THE DAILY TELEGRAPH. Puncn’s advice to Australian Cricketers:— Do unto Lords as Lord’s did unto you. Mixep Picxize.—Joint Occupation of Eastern Roumelia.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 19, 1879, LITERZ HUMANIORES. (New Model.) | HE perusal of cer- tain official corre- spondence re-| cently published | having suggested » to Mr. Punch that ¥ even the most . “eomplete letter- writer” may be the better for a >’ supplement, he begs to offer a few models for the use of those who are as yet inexperi- enced in the new ; but useful Go- vernment art of combining “‘ severe censure” with ‘‘ unlimited confidence.” I. To an Enterprising Architect who has improved on his instructions. My Dear Sire, fe It is now, I think, about nine months since I commissioned you to srepare me the plan, get out the prices, and settle the contract for the ereetion ry a respectable local builder of an eight-roomed villa, the whole cost of which | should not exceed the sum of £900. You may imagine my surprise, therefore, on going down to-day to look at the work to find that, owing, I presume, to your desire ‘‘to do something original” at my expense, you Bore built me a f stately mansion with five Italian fagades, a campanile, and the largest ball- , room but six in London, on account of which an eminent firm of London con- tractors are, as I write, requesting my cheque ‘‘ by return” for £10,000! Of | course, as you have made this st mistake, and the thing is built, there is nothing more to be said about it. But I must add, that I think you have been a little injudicious in not letting me know what I was probably in for. How- ever, I have no wish to distress you by any recrimination, and am, believe me, | though somewhat dazed, Still yours with all confidence, re, &e., &e., &e. ? II. To a spirited Captain who has lost his Ship through an over-sanguine temperament, ere Say ee My pear Capraln, Never mind. I am your Admiral, and can understand it all. The | fact is, you know, you would take her in too close, though you were warned off by the charts, by every rule of seamanship, and by reiterated orders. However, it’s done now, and there’s an end of it; and it’s no good erying over spilt milk. She will cost the country a trifle over a quarter of a million, for she was a fine ship, well found, and no mistake. However, we must My Lords to find another for you, and see what youll do with her. Mean- time, take the advice of an old salt, and, when you do get her, don’t go running along an gale of wind with three fathoms under our keel. En attendant, better luck next time, and believe me always Yours cheerily, &c., &c. rit. To a speculative Stockbroker who has ruined his Client. My VERY DEAR FRIEND, : You ought to have put it all into the Three per Cents., as I instructed you. It is such a disagreeable surprise to me to discover suddenly that every halfpenny I possess in the world has disappeared in a South Ameri- | Rio Brigante | can mine! However, I know that Thirty per Cent. Consols were always a hobby of yours, and I can not reproach you. I suppose all have to take to a ‘‘ crossing” —mats que voulez-vous? Stock- brokers will be Stockbrokers. So, wishing you a heap of customers, and just a little more caution, I am always yours most truly, &c., &c. Iv. To an active Agent who has been a little hasty. My pear Mr. —, I see that instead of announcing my intention of remitting the Spring rents, out of consideration for the hardness of the times, you have evi everybody on the shortest possible notice. I think that this has perhaps been a slightly mistaken policy on your part, as my house was yesterday evening burnt down over * head, while to-day, as I was ting the ruins, have been shot at four times, y hit three. I do not, of course, —— of this, for I am quite satis- fied that you have ideas of your own as to the manage- ment of my affairs. Should anything more sertous occur, I have made all arrangements that you should be duly communicated with by tele h; for I am convinced that whatever happens, you have e your duty like a conscientious and energetic, if—I hope you will excuse my adding—somewhat too prompt and energetic an agent. Believe me, &e., &e. v. From a Secretary of State to a High Commissioner who has set a Colony in a blaze. My DEAR Srr, Insupictous, perhaps. But there—never mind. Have another innings. Yours, &e., &e. (In the Easter-Egg Basket.) CETEWAYO AND KETCH. UNDER THE SUGAR. Mr. Dittpwyn.—The private telegraphic correspondence of ‘‘ Her | Majesty and Her Viceroys ” (Imperial quarto), handsomely bound in | imitation Russia. Mr. Rivers Witson.—A saloon e in one of the P. and 0. | Company’s steamers from Alexandria to Southampton. Lord CueLMsrorD.—An anti-narecotic. Sir Ropert Peex.—Companion full-length st/howettes, in black, a Commander-in-Chief and a High Commissioner. Fancy Portraits. | The Earl of Beaconsrretp.—The new and amusing game of | — Mixed Occupation, with juggler’s bag of tricks, coronet, stout -bottle, | ermine, and gilded balls, complete. The Scorca Trustex.—An expression of sympathy, with a request | : for a large cheque at present, and ruin in futuro. i? Sir H. Layarp.—An upper box order, for two, for the New | “ Babylon. And Sir Barrie Frert.—A fire-escape. of | 5 | E.. Spain and Shoddy. | helt Accorpine to the Jmparcial ish ne per, such quantities | Mai Gladstone. of adulterated wines have , and discovered in the | Provinces, that orders to examine all wines imported from Spain | have been given to the French Custom-House authorities. What | | next? Those Authorities, will be ordered to examine all | calico, provisions, and other capable of adulteration im from England. We cannot to congratulate our sherry- | | drinkers that English ideas, on the subject of adulteration, at least, | | appear to be progressing in Spain. Be, Tue Zulu Monarch’s name, by its seitiving to speak, As if ’twere a proper name, Latin or Greek, And pronounce Ce—TE—WwaY—, is not the right way ; We are told that Kercmwayo is what we should say. KetcHwayo’s accounted a barbarous wretch ; And his name also puts us in mind of Jack Kercu. In one thing King Kercuwayo and Jack Kercn agree ; They were both little babies once, even as we. Ay, and both of those babies their nurses, perchance, In their arms were accustomed to dandle and dance, And hush them, and rock them, and lullaby sing, And cry “ Ketchy-Ketchy” to each little thing! OUR CONSUMPTION OF CLARET. cent. of the total production of wine in France. Incompetence. | Ir is stated that our consumption of French wines in only about That may notwithstanding any quantity that may be drunk of Grocers’ Tue CoMMANDER WE ALL WISH TO SEE SUPERSEDED IN SovuTH AFRICA. Warere tae Fertan’s Snor Pixcnes.—Where the Corn used to | be—in Egypt! | iron coast in a | | 4@ To Conassronpawts.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or sHamped and directed envelope should be kept. y for Contributions, In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by @

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Apa 26, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. BLACKLEGS OR BLACKGUARDS P ANGE OF THE Miners’ StrRikz.— Durham, Sunday Night.—The ranks of the strike hands will be swelled in the morning by the stoppage of upwards of a score of collieries. It seems that Messrs. Jory & Co., who have thirteen as in the western coalfields, have ept their hands employed since the strike began, it being under- stood between them and their men that whatever reduction might be agreed upon by the county should be adopted as a final settlement. During the week, however, a combination of men, known as the ‘Rebecca’ gang, has been formed at the village of West Stanley, and the men at work have become so alarmed, that they decided to cease work, and w in their lot with the unionists in other parts of the county. “ A Seaham correspondent telegraphs, visiting to-day several large collieries in North Durham where 8,000 miners are on strike :—‘I find that more than one-third would gladly resume work on the masters’ terms, but are afraid to do so, under the threats of violence freely and fiercely uttered against the ‘blacklegs,’ as non-unionist workmen are called. There are thousands of men, women, and children at these collieries quite destitute, and many tradesmen have closed their doors against credit.’ ""— Birmingham Daily Post. Non- Unionist Miner loquitur. I’m a free-born British blackleg, And Id sooner be that same, Than I would a British blackguard, Though in the Union’s name. “ A blackleg ! ”’—well, I know it— And a blackleg still I "ll be : Tyrant man or tyrant Union,— Neither makes a slave of me. This ain’t the time for striking. Market ’s bad, so wage is low. Because I can’t get pastry, Shall I let the bread-loaf go ? Shall I watch my children pining— Read starvation in their ery ? See my Missis slowly clemming, with folded hands sit by ? They tell me Britain’s business Is forsaking the old shore, That Yankees, now, and Germans | Do the work we did before, | All acos they do it cheaper. | What have strikes cost boss and men ? | Though prices run up quickly, They come slowly down agen. | More we’ll pay for food and clothing ; | More for , rent, and fire; | More for furniture and fixings ; More for all things we i } Strike I won’t! and there ’s an end on’t! Day’s work shall earn day’s pay: | Blackleg versus Blackcguard he it! | Let’s see which have their way ! Rvssra’s Cnoice.—Aut Caesar aut—Nihil. BELLS AND THEIR BAPTISM. Tue Author of Flemish Interiors, in a note on the performance, in certain Protestant Churches of a cere- mony called the ‘‘ Blessing of Bells,” informs us, re- specting those sonorous summoners, that “‘ in Catholic countries they are still baptised.” In what way bells can be an e better, or made capable of bettering anybody, their baptism, is a question perhaps not to ed in a country where it is customary to christen the Queen’s There are a few other inquiries, however, in refer- ence to the baptismal rite as applied to coer kind of vessel, sonorific, or sailing or steaming, which we have no to refrain from asking. What conditions are to the validity of their baptism? Will lay masculine or feminine, suffice for either in point orthodoxy, or is it absolutely Roccesary that the christening ship should be ormed by a lady With what matter are bells to be baptised? Could wine in the baptism of church bells; and would water christen a galt with? Is intention on the of the officiating minister requisite for baptising them effectually? Is there any controversy about their baptismal regeneration f course, neither bells nor ships have souls to be saved, and, as the former may erack or topple down and broken, whilst the latter are not too apt to go to the bottom, baptism can scarcely - supposed to contribute much to their temporal salva- on. Whatever may be the of baptising church bells, would not as much be done by baptising muffin- or dinner-bells, and other house bells? Might not a town-crier as well get his bell baptisel? Would i reasonable to baptise dumb-bells ? there is any use at all in baptising ships and bells, why not also baptise great guns? The Woolwich In- fants, we fear, remain unbaptised, though not, perhaps, in consequenee of any peculiar views catestaaaba at the War Office touching Infant Baptism. Are Godfathers and Godmothers usually required for the bells or the ships to which baptism is administered, and are they ex to stand any silver forks and spoons ? r. Spuneron is a Baptist. Ask him to baptise a bell. Get somebody to bear him that message on some First of April. PUT THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE. “A Centurion” writes to complain of a brief article in Punch’s last Number ref to a statement, which appeared in the Times under the signature of ‘‘ A Sor- DIER,” that all Chinese Gorpow’s distinguished service would not have procured’ him the opportunities of som- mand which his abilities ought to have secured, because he was ‘‘ only” an Engineer Officer. Now Punch vry= Gy-- the letter, and expressed his incredulity that such a survival of judice could be possible. ‘‘Cewrunron’s” quarrel should be with the writer of that letter, not with Punch. At the same time, Punch is bound to say that he has heard the same qomaietet of injustice to the Engineer in the selection mili honours and commands. He would be too glad to be as satisfied as ‘* Centurion ” seems to be, that it is unfounded. He is aware of the fact that Lord Narrer of MacpaLa was an Engineer, and that his case is usually quoted in dis- of of the charge of unfair treatment of that distin- “Centurion” trusts that Punch will refute “A Souprer”’’s statement. He had better do this himself, through the same channel by which that statement wus given to the world. UPSIDE DOWN. Le Monde talks of “Sir Frere Banriz.” Perhaps it is only a neat way of expressing Je Monde’s opinion that the distinguished High Commissioner’s name should be turned topsy-turvey, the better to correspond to his BRITISH MISSIONS TO THE HEATHEN. Oxp Style—Hexny Mantry. New Style—Mantiyi-Hewry. VOL. LXXVI.

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 26, 1879,

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

ETURN of the Commons (Thursday, . April 17) from_their country quarters—not smiling. Weather broke up with the House, whose holiday has been as dreary as its work before the holidays has been wearisome and First night was all question, and no answer. It was astonish- ing how many things Hon. Members wanted to know which the CHancettor of the Ex- CHEQUER could not tell them. First, Mr. Fawcett wanted to know if Mavpr’s Column had been ordered to advance on Cabul. Government didn’t know, but hadn’t given any orders for such vance. (Sir BARTLE FRERE should have taught them that the advances of servant are not always limited by the orders of the master.) Dr. KeneALy wanted to know if Mr. Cross wasn’t going to do something for his unfortunate Client. Mr. Cross did not mean to reopen either the cell, or the case, 0: Claimant, who, we fear, will soon be Clamans in — ¥ Deserto, in spite of the irre —— | | sible Doctor and his Hyde Park —=S=S Demonstrations. = , ; jf Sir Jut1an Gotpsmip wanted to know no end of things. Whether * Mr. Rivers Witson had refused to take his discharge without con- sent of his own Government. Whether the Surran had been asked to give the Kuepive the sack. Whether the Government pro- posed any, and what, action in Egypt in conjunction with France. Ginx’s Baby wanted to know whether papers, throwing light on Egyptian darkness, would shortly be laid before Parliament, and whether the Italian Government had made representations, or expressed opinions on the subject. e CHANCELLOR of the Exchequer didn’t know anything about anything, or anybody, in Egypt, except what the wires had told everybody. “So the Egyptian plague—spite of questioning close and unwearyin’,— Gontinnatts be, j it was in Moen’ time, darkness Cimmerian.” z Then Mr. Forster took his turn at the screw, but with no better success in squeezing anything out of Sir Srarrorp. - - The only thing in the East that won’t ‘*mixed,”’ seems to be ee nie = ra! the occupation of Eastern Roumelia. t region has a mixed gr ' population, a mixed vocabulary, a mixed coinage, a mixed cuisine, a mixed tozlette, mixed liquors, mixed biscuits, mixed pickles ; but o WHEN - "THE: WIND -18) IN- mixed occupation it cannot and will not be permitted to have. Fae c- EAST against the present Administration must be added their unfulfilled promises to the Greeks. He warned the Government that Greece had many friends in England, who were disgusted with the treatment she had received, and would take an early opportunity of showing it. If Greek at home would not meet Greek abroad in a better spirit, the tug of war would come with a vengeance. Let them carry out the one right requirement of the Berlin Treaty—the rectification of Greek frontier. bet uals ‘ The Cuancetor of the Excurqver pleaded “not guilty”—or, rather, as the proceedings are civil, and not criminal—“ in confession and avoidance.” Government were for friendly relations of Turks and Greeks; thought a rectification of frontier n to such relations; but 7 the best road to such rectification would be by direct communication between the Powers. “This they were promoting, and hoped it would be successful. “ Hope springs eternal in the human breast.’’ If, after all their disappointments in re Turk, the Government can still get up a hope out of Constantinople, it would be cruel to throw cold water on it. ” — on, ye sanguine dreamers, while ye may, Till the light comes, that drives all dreams away.” Sre Cnartes Drixe said hard things of the Government—that they were the worst obstacle in the way of the arrangement they professed to be coueiee., Messrs. Monk, Baxter, and Saaw-Lerevre followed suit; and Sir Wrm11am Harcovrt dressed up the case against the pea Cabinet and policy with the spice and sauce in the use of which he shows himself so consummate achef. If “he who most highly is sure to please,” Sir WrLt1am should be the most popular performer in the House. The PosrmasteR-GENERAL essayed to answer the ex-ArrorNEY-GENERAL—with more of Manners than meaning.

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Aprit 26, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE ILLS OF GREECE, Jingo Leader loquitur. - ills of Gomaee , the ills of Baseee : wing GLADSTONE warmly sung! Lord . brought honour back with peace, And Greece aside is coolly flung, For wider boundaries yearning yet, Which don’t she wish that she may get ? Vague promise might awhile amuse, ake her for fight less resolute ; Now help or counsel we refuse, And even Sympathy is mute. We’ve urgent bothers East and West, And Greece’s claims may be—well, blest ! Lord B. Lord Sarispvry looks upon, And Saxissury looks on Lord B. “Our gre All my eye!” says one. ** Aid ?”” cries the other ; ‘‘ Fiddle-de-dee! ” * Hellas expect we’ll stir to save ? The wildest joke, the merest ‘ shave’! ”’ We have to look to our own fame, To power and pelf, prestige and place ; Uphold the Jingo-patriot’s name, eep cock-a-hoop the British race. And what is left the statesman here ? For Greeks a joke—for Greece a jeer. In vain—in vain are pleading words, Fill high the cup with Cyprus wine! We must back up the Turkish hordes, Twixt the Bulgarias fix the line. Hark to humanitarians’ squall ! Humanity don’t count at all. Your teeth for British interests set ; What odds where British honour ’s gone ? Of two possessions, why forget The safer and more paying one ? Some one Supremacy must have— Better the Turk than Greek or Slave ? “BUT, LORD! THEIR CONFIDENCE!” Fill high the bowl with Cyprus wine ! Pepys’ Diary. Hang hopes of Nationalities! _ Lady (Amateur), ‘‘1’ve sENT SIXTEEN PICTURES IN TO THE ACADEMY.” The SuLTAN ’s much more in our line, , Painter (Professional—aghast). ‘‘ But, Mapam, | THINK THE ACADEMICIANS He serves some schemes of ’cute Lord B's. THEMSELVES ARE ONLY ENTITLED TO SEND E:cur!”’ # tyrant ?—Well, perhaps ; — then Lady. ‘‘ Om, THEN, THEY CAN CHOOSE THE BEST EIGHT OF MINE,” 0 Fes Ce. Gee, SY Seapaees | . . ot WR “ x Ae ==... 4 Ly , , , ‘ Z: Z: A Z Z Zs Litt TS, “A 4 \

- . = : Look not for freedom to Jomw Butt, Mr. CartwricutT’s Motion was narrowly negatived, by 63 to 47—a division He has a ——_ oe at sells, too near to be pleasant. He wants to keep his coffers full, Sir H. Setwin-Issetson explained to Mr. Rircure the delay in reorganisa- To charm the Jingoes and the Swells ; tion of the Customs; and Mr. Lowrner postponed his defence of mixed And Turkish force, stock-riggers’ fraud, education in Ireland. ‘or the G He must condone, if not applaud. More “‘ mixed occupation ” for the Government ! . ‘ Friday.—In Committee of Supply. No demand for seats. A handful of hat Be eee eet a Members and a night of small things, cera ag Bw outlay on the old Ladies’ he “ interesting race” must keep apartments at Hampton Court, the rabbits in Richmond Park, and the Police Their souls in patience. Hushaby ! in o Ls aay Mr. a we _~ to have a by eg © Dear land of dupes, your hopes resign — attendants. He has seen the sort of thing he wants at Versailles, where he s+ ’* kick Sone} found that the friends of Deputies ‘‘ were treated with every consideration, Dash it! don't Kick up ouch « shine! - ive of x Has 7 1 the lobby been uncivil to any of r. JENKINS’S onians—or their gude-wives ? The House, such as it was, fought over a big batch of builders’ bills—a class Light in Darkness. of items not more satisfactory in public than in private accounts, Iw proof of the allegation “‘ that numerous ‘ departed — spirits’ are around us,” a contributor to the Spiritualist, c by name CHARLes BLACKBURN, refers to ” GOING FARTHER AND NOT FARING WORSE. raphs taken in darkness by Count de Buxier of Ir looks very much as if the Kueprve was about to have the best of it as re- — Ety ag ty _— po aN a gards the slap of the face which he has so pluckily given France and England. Seana : * that » might be misteien ** Que ~> ° ee faire Smy rom guess" seems ot be Se quaties om y cin ay old by Scotch pia Me, BLACKBURN halle comes to the public li ra’ than the one anticipa on the Stock Ex- . 1 pa : changes of on and Paris—‘* When is the coercing to begin ? ” from Parkfield, Didsbury, near Manchester; but one

: i ines that a Gentleman who can talk of p Suppose, having gone so far, the KnEpIvE wereto go a step further, and answer ‘chen te Ti hoces then walter be ‘ated with the threats of his European threateners by throwing over his European creditors | ““<¢M 12 Carkness should rather be associa altogether? The Suraw has dene so, and what is he the worse for it? It is| 2&hbourhood, say, of Cork, or Dublin. true, oe coats oe the Giaours te lend him any Lawes py BP an ery So ‘ore hi iation. should not his most subj KuEprve imitate his suzerain, and follow up his dismissal of the French and Gatch ter the Law Courts. English Ministers by applying the sponge to his French and English debts? Tne Law of Trusteeship, as now read, needs must We really see no t reason. And only think what a relief it would Soon abolish both pgrties concerned in a Trust. be to the Fellahs under his authority to be thus left under the weight of For a cestui que trust how can anyone be Egyptian only, and not of European ones as well! When you can’t get a soul to become a Trustee ?

Page 188

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aram 26, 1879. QUESTIONS AND QUOTATIONS. ince Mr. Punch has read the ingenious Questions and Quotations pro- pounded weekly for the public enlighten- ment, he has been fired with a laudable ambition to contribute his quota to so useful a fund of instruction and rational recrea- tion. He has, therefore, during the Vacation, expended incredible i} labour and research in iia the preparation of a = series of interrogatories which he now submi —. with ‘‘a light heart, (who said this ?) to the family circle, the youth of both sexes, public and private schools, the student in his library the lady of rank an fashion in her boudoir, Fellows of the Society of Antiquaries, readers of Notes and Queries, and, in a word, all who are treading the ‘primrose path” of poetry and the belles lettres, or scaling the sterner heights of history, geography, chronology, and general information. : 3 The prizes, offered as rewards to the successful competitors, will be varied and a They will ee -% the most poe 1 ventions in telephony, tasimetry, mography, microphony, an megalophony, as well as the latest novelties in pring and Summer costumes. They will be selected from the first factories and houses in London, Paris, New York, and Amsterdam, and will be on view at the Crystal and Alexandra Palaces during alternate fortnights. Due notice will be given of their exhibition. 4g yp my and by placards in London, on the Monument, the Duke of York’s Column, and the pillars in front of the Royal Exchange ; and in the country, outside Town Halls, and on the School Boards which have been kindly lent for this special occasion. The prizes will be awarded by judges selected from the Professors at our Universities, the Head Masters and Mistresses of our Public Grammar, Collegiate, and High Schools, the Atheneum Club, and the Committee of Privy Council on Education. The answers to the Questions may be sent through the General Post-Office. Questions and Quotations. 1. Who wrote The Beggar’s Petition, and what answer was re- turned to it by the Mendicity Society ? 2. Give, this fine Spring weather, passages from the ts intro- ducing the daisy, daffodil violet, primrose, cowslip, and buttercup. 3. I saw him die.” These are the closing words of one of the stanzas of an old and pathetic ballad. Supply the rest of the verse. 4. Point out the probable source (in one of our Cavalier poets) of the following lines :— “*T could not love thee, Janz, so much, Loved I not Jenny more.” 5. Give the date and duration of the reign of King Copnerva, both in Arabic and Roman numerals. 6. Who was it that declared that, when she died, ‘‘ Servants” would be found wri on her heart 7. Who is the Author of the apophthegm, “‘ Punctuality is the thief of time” ? 8. About what period was H.R.H. Duke Humpnerey giving his recherché dinner-parties ? 9. One of the most famous characters in the masterpiece of Spanish fiction, invokes a blessing on “‘the man who first invented sleep.” Who was this Man ? 10. Who is said to have had “a pair of black worsted stockings which his maid darned so often with silk that they became at last a pair of silk stockings” ? ll. “ And ane could whistle and one could sing, ; The other play ’’—— On what instrument ? 12. Where do we find mention of Messrs. Rowiey, Power, Gammon and Spnovacn, and what was the Christian name of the senior partner in the firm ? who was “‘ tossed up in a blanket seventeen times as high as the moon.” 14. Give the latitude and longitude of the island of Barataria. Who was its first and greatest Governor ? ’ 15. A great orator very recently introduced in one of his speeches this quotation—‘‘ A matchless intrepidity of face.” What one word, indicating a feature in the human countenance, would convey exactly the same meaning ? AN UNPREMEDITATED DUET. Mr. Bricut at Birmingham. Sir W. Harcourt at Sheffield. Bright. Meeting ‘* Brums”’ once again ’s a delight beyond measure. p naval I’m “ York,” and to greet nee ’ is a pleasure, Bright. We're assembled, of course, to pitch into the Tories. _ Harcourt. Five years of bad trade, costly wars, sham glories ! Bright. Making mischief abroad, doing nothing at . arcourt. New rows from fresh quarters conti y come. ight. That mad Russian Bogey’s at bottom of all of it. _ Harcourt. Repose ¢ Why, we've had one px row of it, Bright. They ve lowered our » 8q our cash ; Harcourt. Poltroons in finance, licy rash cy , Bright. face out bad bar bounce, brag, and bray, 5 heal” {uportal posers ean’t pay their way! Bright. ree. on blunder faster and faster, Harcourt, danger, disquiet, and disaster ; Bright, The strut of a bully, the soul of a sneak ; Harcourt. But the Jingo, like Pistol, will yet eat his leek. Bright. Our North-African s but a do. Harcourt. In South Africa things look exceedingly blue. : Bright. We have treated the ill, Bare © eat 6 Soubt of it ; Harcourt. Having entered his land, we don’t see our way out of it. Bright. As for India, at present, it’s se worth its salt; be Gaverument'é Harcourt. Its t all at fault. Bright. We're ing to lend her two millions of money, Harcourt. And , without interest, always look funny. Bright. So our credit is lost, and our money is spent, Harcourt. To help would-be snatchers of sixty per cent. Bright. We are sabring or swagg’ring all over the maps, Harcourt. To the good of no soul, save the stock-jobbing chaps. Bright. Our thirty-four millions can’t stand such a strain. : Harcourt. Peace with honour, on tick, brings nor glory, nor gain. Bright. With blood they have stained this serene reign of peace. Harcourt. Reshackled Roumelia, thimble-rigged Greece. Bright. They ’ve been foolish at home, they ’ve been wicked abroad, Harcourt. Seer sapping our strength, and increasing our load. Bright. And, in fact, they are quite the worst Government out. Harcourt. Rather in ; but their tether runs short, there ’s no doubt. Bright. Still I would not assail them: you’ll note I have not ; Harcourt. Though we fervently hope they may soon go to pot. Bright. My eloquent scorn on such wind-bags why waste Harcourt. Or my epigrams Attic, or rhetoric chaste ? Bright. 1’ll leave them to Heaven, to History, and yor ' Harcourt. Let the Nation decide, as ’twill speedily do! THE MAY MEETINGS. We understand that these Annual Festivals of the various religious Societies will not be held this year. Those who usually play first fiddle (clerical or lay) in the Exeter Hall orchestra, in this month of me (May) meetings, feel that until the Scientific Frontier in Afghanistan is settled, the Zulu War disposed of, and the history of both forgotten, the less said for the 7 of the Book which prohibits the removal of land-marks, , or even coveting our neighbours’ goods, the better. With regard to Africa, in | a ee the case is the more awkward, as the various Missi ieties were on the point of combining to dispatch a considerable relay of labourers to the recently dis- covered vineyards in the interior of the Dark Continent. It is felt that this is not the time to preach Christianity with effect in these benighted regions, whether on the spot, or in Hall ‘* Just the Man for ’Em.”’ “The Kugptve has issued a decree appointing General Sronz Pasha Director of the Land Survey, vice Mr. Cotyin.”—Daily News Telegram, Tuesday, April 15. Tue poor Fellahs have been asking for Bread, and naturally, the Kueprve has given them a Stone. 13. Caleulate the exact height to which the elderly female ascended Tar Buruese Massacrrs, 1s Barer.—‘t Le Roi s’amuse.”

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Aprit 26, 1879.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. NINE REASONS WHY. MMEDIATELY after dis- * Euro HE- to his SuLran, a confidential En- voy, Pasha Taxat, charged with the Kweprve’s rea- © sig. The approval by approw! by the Be Piishah DIVE’s action was A 6 on the following (inter alia) :— 1. Because sauce for Egypt was sauce for oa * Tl veatiainine use if failed to pay her de od would insist on SM ny 8 SvuLTan as well as the Kweprve, who never Lag but the fer 5. really feel no confidence in the represen of Powers who failed to assist the Suttay with men during the late Russo-Turkish War, and with money since its termination. 6. Because the KuEepIve was weds the impression that Mr, Rivers Witson and his French coll did not believe in the prospects of the Ottoman Empire, or look forward hopefully to the execution of the Anglo-Turkis Convention. 7. Because the financial reforms of the European Ministers did not include an increase in the amount of tribute paid by the KnEepive to the Padishah. 8. Because Mr. Rrvers Wiison had Goctiond to advise the house of RoruscHIxp to float a new Turkish Loan. 9. And, lastly, because of the very weighty, and, as the KHEDIVE trusts, sufficient reasons con in the eight chests which TALAT Paswc n charged most respectfully to. place at the feet of the the credit id oy Ain be serious] 4, cai Fro ‘thus fepull HONOUR AND BUSINESS. Mr. + Srr, oTE has been sent me from the French Embassy pointing out thet the | Cross of the m of Honour being an entirely honorary distinction, not to be confounded with the medals distri- buted b Co Eaenen Sateen & am expected not to use it as a means 0: attention or obtaining publicity, as and Lm avoid vertisemen sequentntiont it on my ad 1 am at liberty, if I think it, toad my tik title as wy tO, Legion of Honour to my si eh mye y rs or bills. Pome I shall think fit; else what ’s the use of _ Legion of Honour to, me I “differ al rene as I consider a representation Distinction ee form a most Attractive Element in a Poster, and would be a Addition as Ornamental to the Public View as useful to the Interests of, Sir, Your Most Obedient Humble Servant, Crispin SNOBBLETON, Boot and Shoemaker, and Chevalier de la The Golden Last, April 18, 1879. @ Honneur. For the Home-Rulers. Lorp Rozert Mowtacu and The 0’Conyor Don have formally notified their secession from Se Home-Rule pant in mem If Bregar, Parnwett, and O’Donnett wo Bat follow their example! A prospect opens to the Party at last ! ‘wor A FOOT BETWEEN ’EM.” nt & Ge Bien hehe on BE. and a Bargee ? One follows the healing, the other the towing, path. COBDENITES V. CANADIANS. “Tt is impossible to contemplate the new Canadian Tariff without a feeling of shame and humiliation.’’ So poate Mr. Punch in his fines, of Friday jest, in sae pee to my pal As, Ly her and without a parallel in ee ae ae Dectiahas that “ost avowed ” after paying it a visit, admit candidly that it but protection, pur et simple, he puts boy gong Bape trace in detail i cies of en on this country from the repeal of the buy new fad eg of fis ity Farid ond chew bev new- seighbo ur B., B. betters his getting @ Dad he d double the pr ays my the pit fr diese am, eee kid gloves, sardines, slant opera bouffe, is in 3 pertee managing, at presen Commercial y Pv not market, but necessaries road wi who smash all the out all the li lights before their houses. Show, on how the road will be infinitely more nd chery ot four of us when I, in my turn, have smashed ed the lights before mine. * . Given a thermometer ten below zero, and a five months’ winter. Point out advantages to the community generally of the Coal-owners getting an import duty of fifty cents © ton tacked on to foreign coal . Put into Fe English the of a “ National Policy,” erstood the present Dominion wh gp A ha ati it will th a good steady Tomden-het undering administration, rm ‘kill off the whole tole of the ae. MR. PUNCH’S WEATHER FORECAST. One of the most of Mr. Punch’s contemporaries now daily furnishes its with f after mush consideration of the are has determined, consideration of the su this excellent example. The following is his welliale desvenst te to the middle of next week. Scortanp, N. South-easterly winds, with f , unter, intense seornase, 3. ) See at ee eee aT rain; cold south- wi » Goomaxp, ©. | intervals of ethereal mild mildness. Eweranp, E. Very fine, with . Miptanp Counties . Exotaxp, 8., anp mo | ry Scortanp, W. Nice ; | re ay , AND N., A foe a Dense fog - a . ENGLAND, Showers of shooting ~ aang wi waterspou! . occasional weeipiede, and rapid varia- tions of tem Inetann, N. Intense lar ry half- hour by intense Inetanp, 8. Same as Nos. 6, 7, and 3, 4, 5. is subject to alteration as the Clerk om SF AaAFeTP 10. 11. 8 p.m.—The above of the Weather may FIDDLE-DE-DEE. the fourth letter of the Sm Witt1Mm Harcover pla playing. on eden Alphabet, in his invective against ing bu’ ag he digg |: uiet, and me wting t Death, Danger, Disq: i

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1r6 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. | > a ad AT Mehl -* rn Cg as AS, - = — [Arai 26, 1879, Tae RAL, N Way ‘ a +) Sapir Tad) | Sy y fs. TIT FOR TAT. Mamma (to Hamilton, who has been put in the corner be Hamilton. **Nor tin. You say ‘ PLease,’ Morurn!” “ON VIEW.” “Tue ‘Propie’s’ Tarnvte TO THE PremiERn.—The gold Laurel Wreath intended for presentation to the Karl of BRACONSFIELD, as the People’s tri- bute to the Pusan. may now be seen, by ticket of invitation, at Messrs Hunt AND Roske.t’s, 156, New Bond Street. Mr. Tracy TURNERELLI, with whom the idea of presenting this Wreath originated, wished it to be entirely the gift of working men and women throughout the United King- dom, and the amount of each person’s subscription was limited to one penny. The Wreath, which has been executed by Messrs. Hunt AND RoSKELL, is valued, cost—price, at £220, and it will therefore represent the contributions of 52,800 persons. The Wreath weighs rather more than 20 oz., and the gold used is 22 carat—of the same fineness as a sovereign, only the alloy in the Wreath is silver instead of copper. There are forty-six leaves, and on the back of each ma seen, on turning over the Wreath, the names, one, two, or three on oe | leaf, of the eighty towns in the United Kingdom that have sent or promised contributions. As subscriptions continue to come in, it is proposed to add a stand for the Wreath, an oaken casket, and an illuminated address, and the names of future contributory towns will be engraved on these. Arrangements have been made to exhibit the Wreath publicly at the Crystal Palace soon after Easter, namely, from Saturday, April 19th, to Saturday, April 26th, inclusive.”—7Zmes (not of April Ist., but April 12th). (Lord B.'s Reflections at Hunt and Roskell’s.) ‘*A cHARMING Wreath !—But bay-leaves ?— Premia belli ? Of ‘ Peace with Honour’ scarce appropriate guerdon. Had J seen Mr. Tracy TURNERELLI, The choice of leaf I should have had a word on. Why not a sprig of cypress intermingled, Plueked near the foam-born Goddess’s blue bays : At touch whereof Barranyt4’s ears had tingled, To hear another foam-born Godhead’s praise ¢ ‘ But cypress smacks of mourning—teste Horace, And this, the Turnerelli tribute fair, Should not be ranked among memento-moris, But with mementos of successes rare, Long life, large honours, orders, titles high, Golden deserts set forth, as fits, in gold, vuse he would not say ** Please” ). ** You MAY COME OUT Now, HAMILTON!” ** Twenty-two carats—extra quality,— By Messrs. Hunt anp RosKELL, so I’m told. ** Forty-six leaves, two towns to each they say. ’T was to leaves fairy-gold, of yore, would turn ; Which leaves to dust would shrivel, soon, away ; Their sole reward who sought such gold to earn. But though this gold be to its purpose suited, Twenty-two carat, fine as fine can be, Query the yd whence it is transmuted By Tracy TorRNERELLI’s alchemy ? ** Are the fifty-two thousand pennies there ? Not promised only, but cashed Re put down— Tribute in real bronze to brass paid fair, Solid substratum of less solid crown ? For that we’ve only TURNERELLI’s word— Doubtless as good as TURNERELLI’s bond— Well—his wreath ’s retty, though his name’s absurd. ‘ All’s gold that glitters ’—wherefore probe beyond ¢”’ Tilley Slowboy. Mr. Tittey, Canadian Minister of Finance, has distinguished himself by drawing up a Protectionist Tariff more than commonly tending to raise the cost and so diminish the consumption of the manufactures he designs to encourage. Tilley-valley! but a good deal more Tilley than “‘ valley.” Commercial views more worthy of a narrow-minded shopkeeper than an enlightened statesman denote Mr. TILLEY more competent to a till, than an exchequer. Botanical Fancy. At the ‘“‘ Working Men’s College,’’ Great Ormond Street, the other evening, a free lecture was delivered by Mr. Francis Darwin on ‘* Self-Defence among Plants.” As plants peculiarly distinguished for this self-defending power, may be mentioned the thorns, the thistles, and the stinging nettle. But, perhaps, the best emblem of self-defence in the vegetable kingdom would be Box.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Apnrit 26, 1879. ~ ON VIEW.” AT HUNT AND ROSKELL’S.) “* WREATH’ ?—H’M! INTERESTING OBJECT! “*FIFTY-TWO THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED PENNIFS,’— “*TRACY TURNERELLI.’—REMARKABLE NAME!!!” GRATIFYING TRIBUTE!!

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Aran 26, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 189 INJYABLE INJIA; oR, Notes aNnD Sxetcues or A Specratty-CoMMISsSIONED ARTIST. BY FUZZELI PRINCEPS. Cuapter V. Sir Jarge Orghustus Salar Jung—Applications—Portrait—Cha- racter—Dialogue— Offer — Refusal — Odd — Pony—Misunder- standing— Imperial— Tippoo— No reason — England — Slidhodja Rajah— Had—Painting—Autocrat—No trifling—Thermometer —Scaffold—Alteration— Change of Colour—Bayonets— Tiffin— Diary—Protest— Guns— Rummi— Solicitors — Treaty — Super- stition— Caste— Down again— Off to Sumwar. TuIs morning induced Str Jarnce Oneuustus SALaR June to give me a sitting. It is quite the best thing I’ve done for years, and I have had » a five hundredgapplications from various societies to exhibit it, and from the best engravers for permission to reproduce it. Here it ist:— Sin Jarcze Orcuvustus Saar June. He is a wonderful fellow, and has a really marvellous command of the English e. I doubt, though, whether he always under- . For example, I will reproduce a short conversation I with him yemenen. ‘** Ah, Ste Jance! Howare you? Jolly?” “*T present you, my dear Mr. Fuzzett Privceps, with the assu- rances of my most distinguished consideration, and I am enabled, from interior knowledge, to assert without fear or favour that I am in the present enjoyment of the most perfect salubrity.” Oe ay & bar it, Smz Satar June. Things looking well in the Why, Sir, the shares which a benign Providence has allotted to me in various estimable and trustworthy associations of honourable as I am informed by those with whom no dread of con- sequences would prevail as against the interests of truth, have risen to a height of profit rarely exceeded in the history of mercantile **T am delighted to hear it, my dear Sir Satan June, as I can now ask you to lend mee pony, which Lassure you shall be returned punetually next Sa’ rnoon.”’ “*T regret, my dear a fore « Mr. Fuzzei1 Paovcers, that in my stabulary equine collection I do not number the sort of animal that would carry a person of your dimensions and eT aoe, et ee ata, ** Now I see you are ” os Grenty-Cive pounds ; and F you wish for such a rarity, it is my rate opinion that yo first make every reasonable uu endeavour to find a — When you have secured the latter, I have little doubt but that e former will soon be within your reach.” “But, Sir Satar, you can lend me twenty-five sovereigns till to-morrow ?” Sir,” he replied, solemnly drawing bimeslt up to his full 3 Why, height, “if it is a question of sovereigns, you the saluted. ‘ And rather than listen to one single thing ing that might for one moment savour of ™m ’ there’s an tig on’t,”” gall to mind that you and I alike own allegiance but to one Imperial Sovereign * seem of Inp1a.” Here he raised his hand to his turban, an e ion of any- disloyalty to Her T must wish you a very good morning, and he stalked majestically from the room. I really do which not he could have understood me. I heard im, as he went out, speaking with Rumi at the door and I sald anos swear I saw him = ~2 a tippoo (i.e, small gift of money) 1’s hand. Rumi has not mentioned the matter to me. vid of x But how? There's the Injia rub. y. way, in a book recently published blaming one of the Rajahs because “ he im up lunatics y. on Stipmopsa Rayan. “ "I said to him, flattering! I wish I could get I find the Author isoned without ! Isn’t this in itself s reason ? P yall paint “ You shall,” he said, “‘ if you paint the palace first.” ** Willingly,” I replied, foreseeing a little job on my own account, or rather on his. It’s a fine place, and would look "i a land- scape: So I pulled out my box of paints, block, &c. said. . .“* Here materials,” twelve fierce-looking ebon Sete ere and whiteweaning brushes. m ready,” slaves, each with a asked. t ” he answered ing from ear to ear. ¥ esa Salmed, indignantly--" I, an artist, a —" ‘ paint. You said you paint palace: here ints: paint 1” ‘He trifled ; i ith d in a temperature of 180° i se Ac angi up oe ns femora of 16 i Thursday (Extract Diary).—Still j the palace. Heat tole. Raj Picking We o teen thd i iced beverages, Men fixed bayonets and drawn scimetars, ing their on me. He won’t let me stop for tiffin. I stop to make thisnel intwy disth. | am painting It allow. Fr . ah HODJA his mind. He will have it . No fixed bayonets and muskets out. He touchin’ “up,” he says, brutally. Slept on relieving sentries every hour. 190°, Rajah thinks it will look better if Colder. Rajah says— ** Bo . Palace want two coats of paint.” .—Temperature red. Must paint it red. I protest. No use: fixed bayonets, muskets leoded, I begin to paint it red. He is pleased. Tempera- ing that is said to him, | mean when given in collo- ture ¢ At it again, under protest, and under the guns. Where is Roumm1 all this If he would only arrive wi and a detachment of troops. But no, he never wanted. i Pelee. Just colouring view of distant country. Wave handkerchief to him, like Sister the ond, pe mo 8 F well es. a promise Mees Purr AND ah. Result, I am free. ob vreepetinn: Gees , Pe gg ie oy hy got wind). He descends. He English t is here when he’s ing the roof, From See Rumi in the Anne. He comes! make it worth his y, and renounce IEN, my solicitors interviews

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Apri 26, 1879. Hit! it!) P DY) Mt ok wpb Cm) WE YOu f Wicd mom Mopar ig THE EGYPTIAN QUESTION. ‘at (who has come to London with a view to emigrate), ‘‘ Surx, I’VE Come ABOUT THAT SITUATION YE’RE ADVERTISIN’ !” Newsvendor. ‘‘ Waat SITUATION D’ You MEAN!” Pat ( pointing to poster), “‘IT’s THIS Wonn IN AGyrr I’m AFTHER!” Newsvendor. ‘‘ Poon! Tsar’s ON THE STATE OF AFFAIRS——” Pat. ** Drviu A Ha’portu I care wHose Estate It’s on! Bepap, I’Lt TAKE IT!” SHAKSPEARE AT STRATFORD-ON-AVON. Wepnespay of this week is the Saint’s day of St. George, which is also the birthday of SHAKSPEARE. On this day, sacred to Eng mut to use in SHAKSPEARE’S Stratford-on-Avon—that remote and rustic little town in the Mid- ands, which owes all its interest to th grave in which he is buried—the new building in which it is sought to commemorate, in a orm more permanent than Jubilee or Tercentenary boards and canvas, the most memorable work ever wrought by mortal brain—the work done between the birthplace and the rave which make Stratford-on-Avon a place of pilgrimage for the Suaihdh-epeciinn world. Main] by strenuous local labour and large liberality there has been built, and this wee ’s chief of Saints and first of men, will be first | h e house in which SHAKSPEARE was born, and the] th will be opened, in Stratford, a Theatre, though not large, not unsuited, as re elegance and convenience, for presentation of the plays of Stratford’s great son. A series of these plays, including Hamlet, Much Ado about Nothing, and As You Like It, with a recital of the Zempest and a Concert of Shakspearian music, will be given in the new theatre between the 23rd of April and the 3rd of May. Miss Heten Favucrt and Miss Watuis, Mr. Barry Sot- LIvAN and Mr. BranpRaM, among others, will give their services for acting and read ing; Mesdames ARABELLA GopDARD and An- TOINETTE STERLING, Mrs. Oscoop, Miss Mary Cuatrerton, Miss Kate Frexp, Sir Jutivs Benepict, Messrs. SANTLEY, W.SHAKSPERE, CumMrnes, and Cowen, for music and song. England is invited to assist at this fes- tival of her greatest t. Unluckily, England, always very busy, is just now very low in heart and pocket, and very little in the mood for inaugurating anything but unwelcome economies, and tardy re- pentances. However, we hope she will still tind a public for the inauguration of the Shakspeare Theatre in SHAKSPEARE’S native town. The Theatre is to be associated, in due time, with a Library, a Gallery, and a Museum—in which the books, pictures, and other objects of interest shall have, as a right, first and chief reference to the im- mortal Wiitram. There are designs, too, which many will call dreamy, and more, over-ambitious, of a Dramatic School to be associated with the Theatre. Whatever may come of these hopes and projects, the Theatre is a fact, and the £12,000 that have been spent on it, are a fact also. Both of these facts have chiefly to thank for their achieve- ment the scions of the same good stock, which bore the heaviest burden of all that was done in honour of SHakKsPEARE at the Tercentenary Festival, and which links the name of FLowER with more good works, local and Imperial, than Punch has here room or need to catalogue. The name is one of sweet savour ; and the works of the venerable head of the family that bears it are of the kind that, after he is gone, will— “ Smell sweet, and blossom, in the dust.”’ Among these titles to respect he and his have a right to reckon the enthusiasm—the religio loci—which has taken form in the Shakspeare Theatre this week inaugurated at Stratford-on-Avon. Everybody can give the best reasons why nothing of the kind should have been at- tempted, and why nothing of the kind that may have been attempted and done can ever be of the slightest use. Punch may have something to say on these topics hereafter. The point with the House of FLower, and their friends and fellow-labourers, was to get the thing done. That they have achieved so much already is greatly to their credit. That they may carry out all they contemplate for the study, illustra- tion, and honour of SHAKSPEARE, in the quiet town in which he was born, and where he closed his days, should be the wish of the myriads who, in their several ways, find their highest and most profitable pleasure in SHAKSPEARE’S work. If they their good wi . ther than the wishing s' to substantial elp, so much the better. Twelve thousand pounds have been raised and spent ; twenty ousand pounds are asked for, to complete the group of buildings, of which the Theatre is to be the centre. Good use, they ma rely upon it, will be found for every with which they think fit to entrust the Messrs. FLowxr and their fellow-workers.

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19] \\ \ y \\ ® \\! A # ; Ny iN) WE ALL EXPECT A GENTLE ANSWER,” &c SHAKSPEARE. | | RANGE-FINDERS AND RED-TAPISTS. WE are a practical people. At enormous cost of time, | pains, and money we provide our troops with the best procurable rifle, and then we tell them to blaze away with it as they best can—hit or miss—happy-go-lucky, by movable sight or more movable guess, by rule of thumb or rule of eye, as the case may be. And all the while, we have had for years in the service little instruments called ‘*range-finders,” the invention of clever officers, easily carried, simple, and un y of construction, ensuring with comparative certainty, that every bullet shall find its billet, were a certain proportion of men trained to use them and give the range to the rest. But we prefer to go on in the old happy-go-lucky style, trusting to eye-measurements of distance, which give yards of error to the range-finder’s inches. Yes, we are an eminently practical people, meaning thereby a people who get into and out of more scrapes at more cost, and with more fuss, than any nation of Pevepe. But the favourite field for ry! of our practical superiority isthe War Office. And the favourite art of that Office is the art of shutting the door when the horse is stolen, and throwing the cucumber out of the window after spending the utmost pains and cost in dressing it. If you want proof of this, look for it in General Wray’s letter on Range-finders in 7'he Times of Monday, April 14, and see what past-masters are our Military Rulers in the art ‘‘ How not to hit it.” The One Way. “The Kueprve’s Secretary, who arrived yesterday from Alexandria, has had an interview with several Ministers, but his efforts to obtain the SuLTAN's approval of the attitude the Kuepive has assumed have very little chance of success.’’— Telegram from Constantinople, April 17. TueEre is only one attitude of the Knxprve’s likel to obtain the Sutran’s approval. Let him put his hand in his pocket ! Suzerain and Vassal. Or course, the announcement that the SuTan, at the Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns writes :—‘My pear Mrs. TaLtsot Browne, WE | instance of the Western Powers, intended deposin ARE 80 DREADFULLY DISTRESSED ; BUT A HORRID PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT PRE- | KnEpIVE, must have been a hoax. Engaging the Grand VENTS US FROM ACCEPTING YOUR QUITE TOO DeLIGHTFUL INVITATION TO DINNER | Turk to depose his Viceroy would be, if not exactly like ON THE——” (Vivd voce.) ‘* Ponsonpy!”’—‘‘ Yes, my Love.”—‘* WHat DAY | trying to cast out Old Scratch by Beelzebub, very like WAS IT THOSE TALBOT BROWNES’ PEOPLE ASKED Us ror!?”—‘*THEe FIrTeENTH (Writes.) ‘‘ FreTEENTH OF NEXT MONTH. BoTH, &c., &c., &c.”” , | seeking to cast out Beelzebub by Old Seratch. my Love.”—‘‘TuH1s Montu, on next?’ —‘“‘ Nexr Monta, my Love.”—— I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW WRETCHED WE BOTH ARE IN CONSEQUENCE; AND WITH OUR KINDEST REGARDS TO YOU Derinition For A Drwer-Ovr.— An Unlicensed | Wittler—Quoth our worthy ’ost.—Anrry. “LIGHT, MORE LIGHT!” (See the Prayer of Achilles in the Iliad.) Puncu, always glad to welcome allies in a good cause, to claim the Daily News as a supporter of his reiterated demand that | .; ‘ble more extend are already painted along some lines of railway, and should be painted along all :— to answer him—by doing as has been done already in the Queen's ens’ district, till lately one of the most labyrinthine in London, but now comparatively of nocturnal steering, thanks to the names painted on the » Bory Sn begs t© | tions, these now serve little better ps. Without such inseri than to make p nee mn purpose usefulness should be given to our street-lamps by in i, Ge, thanks te Ge Intec’ Enprovemente of op “t painting on them the names of the streets, as those of the stations \j.ipJe than it wo 4 | e the darkness, at some points, a little more ‘In London,” so says the Daily News—by way of much needed ditto to | The Co-operative Movement and the National Anthem. Mr. Punch—“ the names of the streets are posted up so rarely, that it is only by favourable chance that the inscription can be found. When found, it is next to impossible to make a note of it, being written in characters too small, and at a height too great for the range of ordinary eye-sight.”’ | hate the Dear Poncn, My signature will show that I must, as a matter of course, tive mania as much as I love my Queen. On If the numbers of the houses could be painted up by tens below both grounds it is impossible that I can continue calmly to listen to, the names of the streets, so much the better. : Punch has been pressing this cheap and easy improvement for and District Boards. A very few pounds added to the rates would | still more join in, the National Anthem, while it continues to include the line, * “ ; - years. Again he urges it on the Improving Members of our Vestries ee , t- q i Thy choicest gifts in store.” I trust that the Parlia- inted, will see that the n ensive and objectionable attribution turn the London lamp-posts into London guide-posts, now far more of the gifts of Heaven to any source but the ¥ sorely wanted, and as completely wanting, in the streets of this over-gro and ever-growing Metropolis, as in the remotest region intersected by a net-work of country cross-roads. Let all drivers-out, on their way to be diners-out, who have suffered under the plague of drivers inevitably and blamelessly igno- Yours truly, An Inpiowayt TRADESMAN, Wanted, a ‘‘ Flaught”’ of Fire-damp. rant of the constantly extending chaos of the ever-spreading don Tae Ironmasters in Cleveland are ‘‘ damping down ” their furnaces streets, back Punch’s cry for more light from our street-lamps— in consequence of the scarcity of light not only on the darkness of London streets, but on that deeper strike of the Durham coal-mi darkness of on street-naming and house-numbering. necessi If onl ty combined would ‘‘ damp déwn” r ; Punch means to go on knocking at this door till somebody comes the hewers and putters of our Northern Black Diamond district ! coal and coke, produced by the common sense and hard striking spirit among

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| ScURRY | of View of an Outsider.” 192 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Arai 26, 1879, “BOYS AND GIRLS. COME OUT TO PLAY!” 7 ° UR irrepressible wags, the te tsi happy Managers of the => * Vaudeville, with a fine ee EE irony, announce to their friends that, ‘‘ notwith- standing the continued mlarity of the new emedy of Our Boys, its , career must be ‘cut short,’ to make room for Our > Girls.” “New” Comedy is a » relativeterm. Most people would call Our Boys the oldest Comedy recorded in the dramatic register of births. It is all very well for Messrs. James Tuorne to talk of cutting short its career, after they have cut it longer than any career ever run on the boards since theatres came into being. We do not know that we should wish kindly in wishing that Our Girls may Bes as ‘ long ; nor are we sure that such a life would be the likeliest to bring in the largest harvest either of gain or glory, to Our Girls’ parents, authorial and managerial. “Old Girls” are not, asa rule, so popular as ‘Old Boys.” Ata certain stage they pass, per force, into the disagreeable category of “Old Maids.” Better ‘‘ A short life, and a merry one,” than as long a one as Middlewick’s or Methuselah’s, with that terminus at the end of it. Is it not so? Punch puts it to “‘ Our Girls” throughout the kingdom. ART-MEDICINE ! (Cuique in sud arte.) A Meetine of the Members of the General Scientific and Artistic Association for the Promotion of Mixed Occupations was held a few nights ago to listen to the reading of a a ow by Mr. Hernres {the well-known painter), upon “‘ Medicine from the point The room was well filled. Mr. Punch oceupied the Chair. ’ The Chairman expressed his reat pleasure in joining that evening’s gathering. He dearly loved a joke, and considered the Association, in whose name they were met, one of the best Jokes of the day. The idea that persons eminent in one profession should lecture upon matters connected with professions was a very happy one, and could not fail to subserve the higher Pape of amusement, if not promote the lower object of instruction. They had lately heard a distinguished General Practitioner upon Art; to-night | they would hear a not less eminent Artist upon Medicine. He | believed that it was in contemplation to follow up the present evening’s entertainment with others of an equally mixed character. An Indian puisne Judge had promised to lecture upon English farming ; the clerical head of a Rollege at Oxford was about to give his views upon manceuvring an army in the field in a country in- ested with hostile savages; and a distingui lawyer of well- gy my —s, Rage to jot vey: Lay upon the manning na ting a P. an le steamer from Sou to Bombay. It would thus be seen that a rich harvest of amusement, if not instruction, was in store for the members of the Association. Without further preface, he begged to introduce Mr. Herrres Scurry, a gentleman of wide-spread popeineity and distinction in the world of Art. ; r. H. ScunRY om, me in his opinion, it might be said of the Doctor, as truly as the poet, nascitur non fit. He must be born to the business, or he is never fit forit. Although Art was his profes- sion, he was satisfied he was a born doctor. He had given as much of his time as he could spare from ice of his own laborious and singularly exacting profession to the study of physic and surgery, in some of what were often ealled their minor branches, but which he took to be, if not exactly their trunks, some of their most important ramifications. Thus it was often said that a fever patient should be fed, rather than bled. Though this opinion had been maintained of late by the most celebrated practitioners, he felt himself unable to agree with it. Why should you feed a fever patient? When a man is ill, he surely is not hungry—at least, he ought not to be. If Jomw Hunter, Apernetuy, BENJAMIN Bropre, Asttey Cooper, Erasmus Witson, Moretti, Mackenzie Harvey, AnpREw CLarke, and Prescorr Hewett, were called in consultation—— The Chairman here interposed. Did the Lecturer mean that the eminent men he had mentioned could be called in consultation together? Would it not be rather a difficult matter to get them into the same room ? ee was so absurdly exigeant. Mr. Scurry did not qiite understand the force of the Chairman’s remark. He was speaking without notes, and did not profess to talk by the a oe ecard. The meeting would see the idea he ea to convey. To resume—some surgeons said, that in per- forming an operation, it was better to administer chloroform ll in of after, using the knife. He must say, emphatically, that he found himself unable to agree with them. As a draughtsman upon w for many years, it was his deliberate opinion, that oroform might more safely be administered after, than before, an operation. patient would by this means, at least, secure a comfortable sleep when he most wanted it. The Lecturer then gave some very ering practical demon- strations, upon a lay figure, of his views as to the best methods of amputations, ban s, and treatment of gun-shot wounds, with his ideas of the principles on which such operations should be con- ducted, after which the proceedings terminated. The audience, composed largely of artists, showed throughout the most respectful, if at times somewhat puzzled, interest. Altogether, it is difficult to convey an idea of the vigour and sustained energy which animated alike Mr. H. Scurry’s oral ex- planations, and his practical demonstrations, so si arly interest- ing, as the work of one, the serious business of whose life has lain in so entirely different a cha RANK AND ITS RESPONSIBILITTES. eT rter of the British Aristocracy a strenuous supporter ; o legitimately upon "The Upper Ten,” T cannot auficteatly express y upon “The Upper Ten, 1 express my regret at the publication, in a recent trial, of a letter from Her Grace the Duchess of WesrminstER giving a character to a person bearing the extremely plebeian name of Jones. Why, Sir, that note might have been written by ninety-nine middle-class mis- tresses of a house out of every hundred. There was nothing in it, I regretted extremely to observe, showing that Her Grace adequately appreciated the duties and privileges of her exalted station. is is not the way, Sir, to preserve the gloss and glory of the strawberry leaves! Were every Duchess to write in the same quiet, lady-like, if slightly ungrammatical manner, we might expect soon to find the levelling institutions of America acclimatised amongst us. What is the use of the Morning Post, and other organs of the Old English Aristocracy, if Ladies of real rank are to stoop in their epistolary correspondence to the level of Mrs. Brown, Jones, or Roprnson ? You will, perhaps, ask what is the use of diagnosing the disease, unless you can suggest the remedy? Allow me, therefore, to jot down my idea of the sort of letter that should have been sent on the occasion to which I have alluded. Of course, it ought not to have been written by the Duchess herself, but by her Servants’ Hall Secretary’s Assistant Secretary, in something like this form :— Mapam, I am desired by the Secretary of the Servants’ Hall of Her Grace the Duchess of Westminster to inform you that Her Grace has a faint recollection of having once had a person in her service of the name you mention. To the best of Her Grace’s belief, she was, &c. &c. [The character to come in here. ] This letter would have been sent earlier, had Her Grace had leisure to give her direction in the matter. I am, Madam, yours, &c. Assistant Servants’ Hall Secretary of Her Grace the Duchess of Westminster. Had Her Grace directed such a letter as the above, the sreitipe ve of our Old Nobility would have been maintained, and I sho been satisfied. Yours, indignantly, PLANTAGENET MontTMoRENCY Fiaatns, Pinchbeck i, Good Queen Anne’s Road, Kensal Green, North Kensington. ‘* Another Star Gone Out, I Think.’’ At Berlin, Drzzy’s star, in the ascendant, On tinsel '‘ Peace with Honour” shone resplendent ; Now with Zulus and Bartie Frere to master, His star is dimmed, and must be spelt Diz-aster / 48 To Cozrssronpaents.— The Editor does not hold himself bound to ac' or pay for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by a knowledge, return, ] stamped and directed envelope should be kept.

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May 3, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 193 ORTHODOX! The Rev. Alexis Tonsher (going rownd his new Parish), OBSERVE LENT, Mrs. Rickyarp!”’ Mrs, Rickyard. ‘‘Og, ves, Str, WE ALLUS HEY Pancakes 0 Sapove Torspay !” ‘Ov COURSE, YoU OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN, as possible. enthusiasm, or prej of a first I waited till the third tation ; but I could not ) off the fi would throw off his wig, whi , and moustache, and Middlewick, acknowledging that, after all, he had only been stn tt But no, never reappeared as Perkyn Middlewick, but remained Mi Potter to | the end. Asto Mr. pea ae hy) and from the top of it Te tcguaed the company Ad. TF 24 that he AY some htful crime, which had really been committed by Mr. Davrp | had a fit, amd the Curtain Secon on this touching tableau. Well, whatever | the was the character in that piece, Mr. THorne’s © pa in The Girls is much the | The character of Plantagenet Potter is a libel on the ordinary Pm man, | So let us hope he is not a City ordinary, but an importation from Py x e mood 7 Jumbo” !—which sounds as if the o ration of the City | of London had selected as a member of their Order one of those London blacks The names are not in the Author’s happiest vein. | in Still Waters, and Judson is to everyone unfortunately suggestive of *‘ dyes.” The Girle—The Hunchback, what would, it couldn’t help being, somehow or =, ¢ When in the last Act he actually did take off his sham whiskers prado a I think in a jece of Mr. ALBERY’S, hay & FS , or a | same as the one just mentioned, only without the ladder, the accusation, and perthent my boy” establishment. He is not even a type of to belong. who do always perform out of St. James’s Hall, and generally on the Downs hk life to The Girls,—but Judson dye s. Absit omen: made the success of Our Boys, The title, unfortunately, invites comparison, to the advan ot our old friend. as this Israelitish Yet Mr, James is so irresistibly dro Thik | no f that ovenyons in search of several cuety aghe— et intervals—will undoubtedly get them at the Vaudeville. The best Scenes in the ece are in he where the bashful Judson— ere Judson mo his cheeks are dyed,—it’s . Farren for one ¢ Fig is acct, and inuediat er, wail Th . The contrast is stri , and the entire scene bet the rae iy Wetkien Arry and Clench By be still , and might be even true to nature, were Mr, James representing the sort of man I have Just named. But to be quite true to nature, Mr. Clench have kicked him out of the house. Even as it is, 8 7 has been forced into making Clench say, *T could strike him,” or words to that effect, — 1 hesitate such a yy re- law, 80 as to tone down, to some of an amusing scene. 1s as as ever—always staid, ; and Miss Kate Bisnor plays er charmin ly, and CrceLy KicHARps is, the Cham the usual Third Act scene, begins miserably, and induced Mr, Inyrwe to produce the Lady ? His success as Se Courver of Lyons? Or he is in for Romeo, and is getting at it le Meinotte ? ever, this must stand over. "The ‘oman of the People was a good start for Easter, for the Ol > Bader the management of Miss FANNY (Fe onaeoes of The Hunchback is not one where it will continue its Nertson as Julia, and era the same character; "then ciahte of Mr. Nevitxe, then three nights of Mr. , a8 Master Walter. A mad world, my masters! pene, Gari should publish a theatric mf version of in 1879, Hoi Adelphoi are Messrs, Nevitie and Vezin. graces, and immediately afterwards P. - per - thent - muthie 5 e oth With which am I commend myself to your Your REPRESENTATIVE, SHALL LORD BYRON HAVE A STATUE? Nor if the Vestry of St. G ’s, Hanover Square, it—that is, within their di They resolved on 83 to 20, It is probably no loss to unless d be guaranteed as far better better thaw anything of the sort we possess at present, or me all {the Ay, = shown at the Byron Memorial Albert Hall. But the sroume of the refusal—causing the —y of the ground Mi its pro- a t poetic genius holding an as were held by this great poetic genius ed not to have a memorial in any Christian parish. a howl would this very Vestry have raised against Papal intolerance, the Cardinal-Vicar in Rome opposed the erection of a statue of Luruer within the Square of St. Peter's! Lord Bynow should have a statue, as a ~ 4 a distinguished member of the Estab’ ur Quoth the Jolly J.P.’s of Aberystwith. “Sir W. Lawsow asked the Secretary of Stare for the — Department whether his attention had been called to ———- of certain Magistrates at Aberystwith, who are alleged to have attended a s which was lately held at the Lion Hotel in that town, oul, when the hour of eleven ap- , are tated ts sts there and then signed an order lor an extension of 34 « the sale of drink on the premises, in order to conclude the festivities of the evening.’ Who with Law should make free, not If I.P.— Being © blood and convivial of habits ? Oram statute let ’s shelve, open till twelve The house where Welsh lions wash down their Welsh rabbits! Back AGAIN From Baveno!—London to Vicroria~ ** Welcome, little stranger !”’ Str,—Of course it was absolutely necessary to and see The Girls a8 soon Boys. Up to the very last I indulged in a vague hope Se = r. paid iy i began to think my anticipations were on the point of bens pened. eee yO or somethin een the two, he got ¥, | familiarly known in the piece as “Old Snowball ”—and then slid down the | the tableau, he is su what people he xnogy| as for | and at the pant of public-houses. Potter recalls Old Potter he Girls has not that genuine touch of nature in it which undoubtedly VoL. LXXvI. ad

Page 198

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Page 199

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Mar 3, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. el

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

LI y Y Te A. Vi A 7) ITE3SE, grande vitesse! (Monday, April 21.) Lords met, and up and away by twenty-five minutes past five. But in those few minutes they had managed to exact a disclaimer of an intention to advance upon Cabul, and to for- _— several Bills a stage, O st sic M.P.’s, ut— ‘* Division of Labour our System affords — The talk to the Commons — the work to the Lords.” (Commons.)—Oh ye Datxes and Drtuwrns of little faith. How often must the Govern- ment organs play over to you— (Air—“ We Don’t Want to ent) “ We don’t mean to advance upon Cabul—if we do, The pine will tell the House, and for an advance too.”’ Sir Starvorp Norrucore explained to Sir J. Gotpsmip that Mr. Rrvers Wiisow had not ‘‘ refused to be dismissed.” A man can’t ‘refuse to be dismissed,” any more than he ean refuse to be kicked down-stairs. ion of refusal on his part, or sancti In Supply—on Civil Service Estimates. Vote of Costs of [Cc Commissioner. The odour of jebbery euill hangs aboat the , : * missioner. jo i a ex <r appointment of Lord Haxrro and ex-eolleagues declare activity and efficiency at eighty-one. Ee. ts was only carried by 100 to 94. Such a means that the thing is i:eally too strong to be defended much longer. People are beginni i ridden more than a leetle too hard when he is trotted vut to carry Office messengers to their situations round by the Office Commission. picking at the increased expenses of the Audit Office and the Local Government Acts’ Office, but no hole picked in either vote. Scotland asks for more than the £10,000 now voted to her for medical charity—not that she troubles herself to prove that she

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: , is PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 3, 1879. THE DANGERS OF DILETTANTISM, Mr. Snippe (of ** Snippe and Padwell,” Pall Mall). “‘Goob Arrer- NooN, MY Lorp. I’M PROUD TO SEE YOU LOOKING AT MY HUMBLE SKETCHES.”’ Noble Client. “‘Utioa, Sxrppe! You DON’T MEAN TO SAY THESE CARICATURES ARE BY You?” Mr. Snippe. ‘‘ Yes, rsveep, my Lorp.” Noble Client. ‘By Geonck ! WaHY—rTHEY ’RE ALMOST GOOD ENOUGH ror Ponca!” Mr. Snippe (modestly). ‘‘Tuey oveur to BE, My Lond. I GIva THE WHOLE oF my MIND TO THEM.” Noble Client. ‘‘ THe Devi you po! Ir’s a pity you PUBLISH THEM TO THE WorLp, Synrppr.” ’ Mr. Snippe (much flattered). ‘‘1 DARE say I SHALL soME DAY, MY RD.” DON’T Noble Client. *‘ An, 1 woutp, 1r | weRE you! AND LOOK HERB, SNIPPE, WHEN you po, |’LL BuY a Ser. Bor J’LL Be HANGED IF YOU SHALL EVER MEASURE ME FOR ANOTHER CoaT/!” requires an increase, but because she is not getting her fait sh with England of “‘ what’s gaun” in the way of Lowhead to the M.D.’s and G.P.’s, The CuanceLtor of the Excurqver brought in his Bill to facili- tate the lightening of unlimited Joint-Stock Banks of their first syllable—a change which Punch hopes needs only to be commended to the common sense of J. B., to be at once, in all cases, insisted upon, alike in the interest of bank shareholders and bank creditors. It means, in ninety-nine eases out of a hundred, the substitution, not of a less security for a greater, but of substantial security for illusory. After the Glasgow catastrophe, no sensible man will con- tinue to hold shares in a bank of unlimited liability. The alterna- tive is between *‘ Limited Liability” with ability to pay, and * Unlimited Liability ” without ability to pay. Besides limited and unlimited banks, the Bill will give facilitics for creating what it cumbrously christens ‘‘ Reserve Liability” banks,—that is, banks with a liability limited by some multiple of the value of the shares. But note-issuing banks are not to be allowed to re-register when they have an establishment in any other part of the United Kingdom | than that where their principal office is situated. This is a side-stroke at the Scotch banks established in London. These Seotch banks, which are banks of issue, have, with Scotch sharpness, stolen a march on the English banks, which are not per- mitted to issue notes. The Scottish banking interest will kick, and it isa strong one. But it is the deficiency of Scottish banking prin- ciple which has upset the coach, and brought the law about the bankers’ ears. The banking organs in the House generally, though guardedly, approved the Bill. It is one of the few cases in which everybody says that something must be done, yet in which the doing of some- thing seems really necessary. No doubt there will be an attempt made to limit the liability of trustees by special provision. Tuesday (Lords.)—The good news of the relief of Colonel Pearson at Ekowe read to the House, with the chequered news from Colonel Woop, and the list of the killed and wounded. Their Lordships vey sie in their lordly manner. e Earls of RepespaLe and Kreer.ey, and the Duke of Mayn- CHESTER, against the Duke of Ricnmonp and the Marquises of Rrron and Huwt.y, on the principle that should govern the taxation of upland owners to prevent lowland floods. Their Lordships held owners liable by 41 to 19. (Commons.)—The Zulu news received. Cheers for Colonel PEAr- son’s reseue, The House feels like Joun Buut, that it has much to be thankful for, nothing to be triumphant about. It hails the not disastrous issue of the first stage of a business ill begun, with no very visible good consequence in prospect. : For the choice of its Select Committees, the House prefers its Whips to anything that the House can put in their place. Nothing like knowing w to head-back the bafflers and barkers, and see that the staunch old dogs are well kept up to their work. : Mr. Rrrenre moved to introduce the small end of the protection- wedge into the sugar-eask—in the shape of a Select Committee. “ Candid inaeity ” is all the ouges-teeing interest asks, of course. But if the candid inquiry were to result in a proposal of a duty to counterbalance the Torcien Bounties which are so bountifully en- = the British consumer to buy his sugar at one farthing a pound cheaper, Mr. Rrrenre eonsiders that such a duty would be in _ accordance with Free Trade principles. r. Cameron and Mr. Sampson Luioyp are quite clear on that t r. Samupa doesn’t agree with them, but would shut out all Austrian and French sugar not refined in bond. : Mr. Bunxe, for Government, promised the Select Committee, but protested st countervailing duties and exclusions. essrs. Courtney and Lowe pointed out the cloven hoof of Protection under the disguise of ‘Candid Inquiry.” Sir StarrorD NortTHcore dittoed allthat Mr. Burges had sai inst countervailing duties. Mr. Mclyer protested against ‘* Brum- m and one-sided free-trade.’ How about your friends’ Brammagem and one-sided Protection, McIver, son of the Mist ? t Forsrer asked the Government to back their disclaimer of ‘ eompensa duties” by an exelusion of them in the terms of ; but Sir Srarrorp declined the ered pinch of salt; after speeches from Mr. Marten, Sir J. Hoce, Mr. Batrover, Sir J. Lupsocx, in favour of inquiry, the Committee was ted on the Government terms of reference, and the small end aw Protection wedge driven home by § Srarrorp, with due aimer, Wednesday, given up to the earryin rabile dictu—of one Irish Bill, for the Registtation of Voters, and the almost carrying of another, for the introduction into Ulster tenant-right, from the English Agricultural Holdings Act, ef the presumption in favour of tenants’ right to improvements. Sir J. Lestre, Mr. J. Lowrmer, Mr. Grecory, and Mr. D. Prun- ket thought the presumption of Irish tenants went too far already, and the Bill was thrown out by 146 to 131. With these figures— Macarrney, take your Bill away— ’Tis bound to pass another day. Thursday (Lords).—Lord Norton re-introdueces his Bill for pro- tectiig the payments to Friendly Societies from the claims of Boards of Guardians. When men who have made such payments, become paupers, by sickness, lunacy, or other causes, the Guardians now claim a lien, before the paupers themselves, or their wives or rela- tions, on any moneys they may have paid to Benefit Clubs or Friendly Societies. This is a direct discouragement of thrift; but Lord REDESDALE declares that it is in strict accordance with the principle of Poor-Law relief, and must be maintained. Lord KimpeRey agrees with him. But the Lords, undeterred by thrift against p as this formidable opposition, vote for understood by Lord RepEespaLe.

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May 3, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 197 A fight between Narrow and Broad Gauge on Irish lines,—Lord | Lrrrorp Champion of the Broad, Lord Repespa.s, as of right, of | the Narrow. Lord CRANBROOK interposed with a modihestien, | in the spirit of the old “* Horns” oath at Highgate, » onteg the narrow gauge in cases where the broad would be cult or unremunerative. (Commons.)—RYLanps the introduced his famous Resolu- tions conde the increase of the national expenditure, censuring ins cain to £01,000, the rat va a year’s ex risen to sum ot oxoere a when the oun yh of a ad tried > ** bubble ” On os comes Budget, whieh shin ked yments and Lay ome liabilities. pene = Sew comanatee throug: ost AY ooh va’ y Gneortainty peace, engender y the tl pallies _ £x Government, consisting of annexation, inter- fouman ae Mr. Bax the Rescleions, quoting statistics to the rapid pauperism, w _ ture, the of old markets, The time sii icul: of peiness activity, and the loss — and we were t ise taxation and cut down one, and imereasing most intrepid of the 1 see aeds, » siren against 7 his breast clad in oak and triple brass, Peace, nchment, and Reform,” con’ that had a ‘right to twit Govern- ment with extra’ eceing majorities had sanctioned every step of the paliey wi to be paid for. pa soalyees away the expenditure, denying that any Government the Army by a man, mad, SE the mers by 6 Pp. He age ofthe pape gest armies and navies £73,000,000 im 1870 to £97, 0,00 in 1878 As to new faxetion, the Government = only put in the poor mian’s pipe an extra twopence on his pound of Al national interests could not have been ed, and the gona honour maintained for less than mrs digmatined himbleri r. Laine an operation in thim g. Mr. HusBarp quite approved Budget, and didn’t see his way to reducing Army or Navy. Dr. KeNEALY gave the Government the benefit of his support, maintaining that, after the House had repeatedly approved ends, it would be self-stultification to stint means. Mr. Ritcuie argued that the Resolutions ran in the teeth of the truth, seeing that the pressure of pauperism, crime, and taxa- tion had not increased. Mr. Dopson dissected Mr. Surrn’s estimate of the financial situa- tion—contended that the Debt had increased, in = of Sinking Funds; denied the existence of a Surplus, ‘and doubted if the honour of England could be maintained by a policy Government had not the pluck to ask the Nation honestly to pay for. r. ScLATER-BooTtH maintained that the Government had done its best under difficulties—and that the Resolutions amounted to censure, not of the Ministers, but of the Majority and the Country. Sir J. Lussock put the oe the other way, insisting that Ln extraordinary ex ee the Government was unn vial y, without counterbalance of ‘poli Ns its ye pepe Saeneen tical advantage. Mr. Granraam maintained that taxation had diminished under the present Government, and the debate was adjourned on Mr, GoscHEn’s motion. Friday (Lords).— Arma virumque. Lord Capocan said the Government knew all about the sale of arms in Africa, but it would be unfair to name the man or men who sold them before the Zulu War; and they had taken measures to prevent the since. (Commons.)—Sir Srarrorp shirked Sir J. Gotpsmrp’s question— Whether Pot had turned on Kettle; in other words, whether the SULTAN had offered to d the Kueptve. We infer from Sir Starrorn’s fencing with the Ks d ge 3 that he could not say ‘* No.” Is the Attorne ietoria an office under the Crown, acceptance of lich be Bie | by Sir Bryan O’LogHien vacates his seat for Clare? A Committee has —— that it is. Sir J. Gotpsmip challenges their conclusion. a long serimmage of mixed Irish and legal forces, the House ager its Committee by 180 to 11, and a new writ was ordered Common sense ought to be satisfied. In Supply, : A movement to make charity begin at aay the Charity Com- mission paying its own expenses—was negatived by 72 to 52. fing with family of Rylandian D. D. D. D (The Premier’ s Policy ; or, Sir W. V. B. improved.) ABroaD.—Death, , and Disease, Disaster and Distrust. At Home.—Disquiet, p Distress, Dishonour, and—Disgust. SHOOTING, NOT WITH THE LONG-BOW. Dr. Carver at the Crystal Palace, ince Puncu called on the Directors of the Crystal Palace Programme to give us & new sensation—a de- mand as hard to sa- tisfy as ~ohed for anew their to the have provided a sensation, in the odie of " hag her which quite ,,. satisfies Punch, and ought. 1; to satisfy the public. ri is a pity that “ Dr.” d be h ; s, which, if it be & piece of unmitigated , reads like it. all events, it strikes one as quite out of keeping ot performances, the cing, an whom you cannot and believing all he Cavan through his eee edicine Man,’ ve Tt 4 see, § Dee ighown Bester is duply the most mar- ofthe art of" drawing a ” that ever lifted a rifle. break « hundred _ shout, three inches diameter, towards mat of hy with oo ht, , g forces, and at hangl g ces, with a pe without a single miss—as Dr. Carver did the other da Sandringham—or with a propor- tion of misses varying from ve te seven, and that in less t five minutes, seems a feat quite beyond any attainable steadiness of human muscles, and any achievable accuracy of human eye. But Dr. Carver has done this, over and over again. Twice a day—at 3 and at 5.30, weather permitting, and even in the teeth of an East wind fit to cut you in ery may see him outside the north end of the Crystal Palace break fifty balls so thrown up in less than two minutes, Lge three . four misses at most, and sometimes without one. He smashes a apie of such balls from the saddle, thrown up as he Fides past past at f gallop, over and over “fed, His fancy shots, from the hip, from the top of the head, lying back over a chair, with his back to the mark, aghting by help of a king-glass are tricks of the stage and the. show, whine’ more won The incredible camer of eye and steadiness of hand are shown in the of balls from a trap, or thrown by the hand in a given time. S Weeniaier-aiias rifleman or no rifleman—should see d| this, as an example of the atm ection to which very exceptional nat ean be carried by practice. There is intense interest in watching this champion of all rifle-shots that are, « gree were, or ever will be—as one cannot but think—through one of orm- ances, as there is delight in wens a5 any other ileneans of consummate skill; and the perfect q simplicity, and re- ee Ly of all bounce and brag eet, greatly to the easurableness performance. P Here are no wretched pigeons, with tails pap tiens out to make them zig-zag, or half-starved to cripple their speed, being blown to pieces, or, worse still, wounded and left to a lingering here is no neck ri as in walking the high rope, or davin aérial dive. We are looking on at an achievement of f = - and ‘pd arength strengthened aang P) per and self-control, by sogularity “5 habits, pen ~ Ae gmp « keeping down Soames te her, of the he two nat eir part in Dr. He throws Ear Sh vor hay ar simple, and hs oe ame § ” modest, exchange 8 bred death ; the ectly their natural b consummate bits, by —aeery of 0 oe rng Reo Bg ony ARVER as in the rest my Es the lasso almost as MEER os he cheat the bell; nothing of the EA mT oo at ’ in w ie sith do an en a two in one— a xhibifor ue Yankee ewe Fy of thing in the description. ond I om Oo i and performers—a modest, quiet, and eS cue base wedade modest, aie, than Ee@yYPTian Loans 3 AND EorPrian Buans.—Iil-lent and Lentil.

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198 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ee —— [May 3, 1879. — 1 \ . G \ N oe * 4 y Ss A. THE TABLES TURNED. Lady Clara Robinson (née Vere de Vere) is subject to fits of Radicalism. After suddenly informing her daughter Gwendoline that kind hearts are more than coronets, and simple faith than Norman blood, she gives her vermission to go and play with “‘ those nice daughters of the People.” Gwendoline Robinson. *‘You MAY PLAY WITH ME, LITTLE Grris!” Small Daughter of the People. ‘‘1¥ you rLeask, Miss, MorHEer DON’T LIKE US TO PLAY WiTH STRANGE CHILDREN!” “AUT CASAR, AUT NIHIL!” Or, Tyrant v. Terror. A pReaD alternative! Yet one which is Autocracy’s eternal Nemesis. Poor Cesar! Though he pose as present God, Though serf-born serfs stand trembling at his nod, Though cheers and prayers his ears salute, Though long the voice of Mutiny be mute, There comes a moment when Hate’s whispers swell From muffled murmur to triumphant yell. And Cesar, though his sword be swift of stroke, And his tense hands lay weight upon the eae, Yet, in the darkened ber of his mind, Dreads the grim shadow which no bonds can bind, More than the solid ranks of leagued foes, Whom steel may smite or policy oppose. Lo, Cesar Liberator, where he stands Clutching the fetters! But the hundred hands Of that pervading phantom mock his gyves. A foe that fears not death hath hate thves yas ah oye ~ aa, bind _ roms )r prison the ni wind w iping lou Over your frozen wastes, th Chane, hope With the raised spirit of Revolt to cope | om , and gag, 4 - My Sins is bred age-long tyranny ; its hopes have On food you farnished when your hosts went forth To fight for freedom, and so learn its worth. ’Tis blind and bloody, as are all things born Of cold oppression and of callous scorn. | As is the tyrant, must his victim be, First, sacrifice, then scourge of tyranny. Sedition’s spirit but reflects the mood Of the oppressor ; hate breeds hate, and blood Is bloodshed’s bitter — The grisly shade That darkens o’er your is but arrayed In your own terrors, and its acts are fraught With the bad lessons Tyranny has taught. Cesar, this is no ghost, which you may lay In the Red Sea of State revenge, or sta With bonds or barriers. Secret, steadfast, stern, As is the rule it aims to ove: Wide-ranging, subtly spread, hid deep from sight, As some swift-growing poisonous parasite, *Twill paralyse the arm that strikes at it, Or, smitten, swift its severed joints re-knit, Nor die till ordered freedom’s healthier growth Supplants the Tyrant and the Terror both. National Tribute to Lord B. (Reduced to L. 8. D.) Tue Subscribers to the Tracy TuRNERELLI Wreath—in for a penny. The Subscribers to the Taxation of England—in for a great many pounds. Hint to a Hero. My Garrpapt, rest content, Let your friends look at home ; Be pape wee Se: Seas Might be the loss of Rome. Tue Parron Sart or Rartways.—St. Pancrash.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—May 3, 1879. fs | lj Vetiet | << _i ———— —_—_— ee * —-a -— _ ) =~ “ \ iy, wil ze

‘AUT CAESAR, AUT NIHIL!”

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May 3, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 201 Noakes. Ditto this morning over the whole of the south-east of COLLOQUIAL METEOROLOGY. ope rue I has long been last evening on south-west coasts and at sual for peo- down to 40° ; wish ‘ }. very low. to nay something he or poy HR below the average of one another, t ‘ terly. A gale. south in Bay of Biscay. South and of € taing slightly in west of Paddylend, gem of the sea. Fair in Erin go bragh! Slight recovery this morning at Hurst . Yah! of popularised meteor- wees busi na high press re 1 = fa ‘ soeavaas s Relters. terchange thevefene tle mercury ak ag pine to ths cleans? ozone in the at ere nds doesn’t or, we, eager last 's the prophecy from New Yor Gente in 4. den 60 two; thunder again | ditchw: Noakes. Yes; but, however, it seems to have been bright in the north of Secotland—of all places. the by a natural sition, turns on Horses, Styles. Rain at Yarmouth, Holyhead, and Valentia, though. m, %.. Benepe things in pool *ARRY ON CRUTCHES. HORROR IN HYGBRIAPOLIS. Dear CHARLIE, “Sia W. Teeve tam has beq his of choice THANKS po my large for the prime birth-day present you sent. » Ricwa N, the vel-toowa t of alco- wines to You must ha’ bin nobblin’ the ochre so much on your chum to ‘ave spent. indulgence in all forms, and the A yeeiapolis, A crutch-handled stick is percisely the very hidentical — the City of Health. —Newspaper Paragraph. As I wanted to put the last touch to my brand new tog-up for the Spring. ; uest.”’ of it taken Which if I’ve a taste—arter gals and good smokes—’ tis for toppers in sticks ; : . = 7 They do give a chap sech a hair, don’t yer know, when they 're up to the nicks. on a bottle of “ Oporto I’ve a ti y collection myself, but this last lardy fashion,—well, — It wouldn’t quite run to it, Caantie—I ’adn’t the spangles to spare. Laboratory, Micro- I went for an arternoon prowl on’y yesterday, Caartre, and ! nO ves ow i at a te The gals eyed my nobby git up with a mingling of rapture hor. rendu m cunlyy rot- Yaller ulster and elbers well crook’d on the high perkte Lom 8 a gleams ; ts. rank an With a toothpick, ong sweet. Oh! I tell yer the Toffs wasn’t in it, old mat, woh my yee oe On’y wish yer wos with me, dear pal, to do ditto; becos, don’t yer see, Had of (oz. 5°004—about) To nick the thing up to the nines yer want two, or, still properer, three; . Effect on peculiar. Then yer wobbles along in a line, hands behind, in Pall Mall or the Park, of '24 Port. Re- Like the three little stiff’uns in wood wot yer find in a kid’s Noah’s Ark, with Tested ‘* Im- That ’s the form; and it isn’t a line you’d ’ave ’it on, permiskus, I guess; 5 an Still testi : ‘ It’s genius, that's wot it is, s new fakes in deportment and dress. : ) Bey retort (oz. :1 x fam a Soemaneeee ns There must be a rare lot knocking round, though the Swells don’t git eredit for | pesatusc y refreshing—but could detect nothing. much, Tilke stead ‘ o~ iy ‘ mang For it wasn’t no or’nary mind as developed the toothpick and crutch. A Wrecks ang yy ad wu ’Ow rum things eome round! I remember my granny, a game-leg’d old gal, itage, and drank to ‘“‘ Seientific Research.” Sort of Old Mother Hubbard, ’ad jest sech a crook ’andled stick, my dear pal ; test for nitrate of soda. (Mem.—Ar- I used to ride cockhorse upon it,—and nab it sometimes on my nut, Derby next month, and try the “ fizz.”’) Lor’, ow she’d ’a goggled to see it adornin’ a Swell’s morning strut. tin the analysis . I suppose if the Toffs took a fancy for chewing a stror or a twi of Clos Vougeot for perchloride of copper. Found Like a tout or a a tumbled to carryin’ a bludgeon as fi. —- 10 Y * ethan none, Settled to supper on the oe As a crib-eracker’s nob rsuader, Pall Mall would be jolly soon gay 6th 15th. “avedtigating r wines. With blue-blooded blokes Sanne Cop might mistake for toot-pads on the lay. Premeb as poi of car e atte d - ) ( ’Owsomever, in course, style is style, and I’ve done this ere trick to a turn, gf xual Re ar (e , pred wine) about °3001, For some Though the hattitude’s funny at fust, and the knee-wobble’s orkurd to learn ; : see Notes.) “ Sample ” I practised it well in my den, like I do cellar-flaps. or walks-round, 16th.—My ; ae ae dager _~ ae And if you could see me, you'd say as it suits me right down to the ground. Sf emide. Gubhowunds in deo-qaiiets P ’ That ’s where I’ve the 7 my dear boy—I ’ve the tastes of a Toff of the day, | Give it ™p. with tumblers for—per And that’s why I tumble so slick to most hey’ry new park-prowler’s lay. Quexn’s health? Now, then—one more! say It’s nice that the Nobs don’t go in for the nonsense some noodles eall grace, finish up ervopins r ? Carried. Which a feller carn’t tumble to quite, while he’s thinkin’ of going the pace. v , ‘ad fun! Have up " But you on’y wants tin to git togs, mate, and not so remarkable much, : wore . 4 For the Snips cut it finer and finer ; and as for yer toothpick and - ness Well, I wish wewos chums on the crawl, and J’d show yer, old flick, ’ow to catty The swell stick in silver and black sent to Yours obligatedly, Anpy.

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202 PUNCH, OR ML At oe | ‘ fe. REVENGE IS SWEET!” Party (who had rwng the night-bell at 3 A.m.). ‘‘ OH, 80 SORRY TO DISTURB YOU AT THIS Hour; BUT THIS PREscRIPTION ”—(bescechingly)—‘‘ If YOU’LL KINDLY—IT’s A MATTER OF Lirz——’”’ Tradesman, ‘*‘ WHO ARE you?” Party, *‘ Ou, I tive at No. 4 rn THE Crescent. My Name 1s——” Tradesman (recognising former Customer). ‘‘ OH—AH—TO BE 8URE—I KNOW. GO AND KNOCK "EM UP AT YOUR CO-OPERATIVE Stones ! 1” WELL—yYou [Shuts w indow viciously, TO FIND THE RANGE- FINDERS. Cusropirg custodes is an old stealing oficial difficulty. To find the Range-finders seems the last new form of it. To Lord Trvno’s questions on the supply of this very im- portant and long-pi holed aid to effective firing, Lord Bury was Lceested to reply that “‘a great many ee finders had been served out to the troops.” General Wray writes to the Times :— “* Forty-four or forty-five instruments have been made, or are in hand, for infantry purposes, including twelve fer the Government of India and a few for private issue. Altogether twenty-one sets had (up toa few days ago been ordered for Imperial service, just sufficient for the same number of companies.’ PO og twenty-one companies is better than nothing, but it is hardly ‘“‘a t many ving to the companies in the British Army. Unless Lord Bury pS ae an otal neh to exceed all ordinary limits of deviation allowed in the case of Range-finders, he had better keep closer to facts in his futare answers on this matter. THE LONDON CHARIVARL — [May 3, 1879, IN TRAVAIL OF A TRIBUTE. Ir is too bad, because a man has a name that sounds absurd, and has inaugurated a Tribute that seems absurd to the States- man of his idolatry, that he should be = with putting to the credit of the gute mae es what is really due to their “— ee eine who, so far from shirking observation, has shown the utmost desire to direct the full ny bes Ravin mew! oe himself and his doings, has “detailed statement” of sums inom te wee for wreath ” up to April 16th, =| -- amount of £181 12s. 3d., in amounts g between the magnificent £10 of Bristol” with £7 9s. 7d. as a second contri- bution from that “ London of the west,” —to Burstal’s modest six bob, and Bir- ley’s cheerful Dg ety Spe | om -fourpence. This record is follo vin Ad a list of towns —_ a ** euaranteed or pro , some £5 = me smaller « ul ” to the aoa ip al of about £100 dependent,” as ° de cautiously adds, on promises given.’’ Towards ‘‘ Accessories,” garnish, or trap- pings me the Tribute, he. Casket, Address, &e., thi “has been “‘ contri- e sum of £6 10s. buted by friends,” who seem hardly to have ** pa a » freely as the friends of the S a; the eae might ave been pe. to di 0. The expenditure ‘‘ made, or uired,” we are informed, with that admirable mix- ture of candour and exactness which charac- terises Mr. T. T’s. utterances throughout, is as follows :— “1. The Wreath, £220. 2. The Casket, £50. 3. The Illuminated Address, £15. 4. Outlay made by Committee up to above date, £70. Making a total absolutely required, £355. " Putting what is required against what has been received or promised, we have as result, Deficit £73 7s. 9d. A Deficit is not exactly the dominant for a Triumphant Overture to close upon, and, therefore, we cannot wonder if Mr. TRacy should sbpend an ap- peal and a suggestion in i to which Punch is glad to give all the benefit of his Se feeling that he owes Mr. T. T. at east as much as in return for the Cartoon with which the T. T. T. last week supplied him. ‘“* The Chairman trusts that a few other towns, who have not yet sent in their names, will aid him, immediately, by at least a small contribution, to cover the aleve very trifling Deficit. “To ensure an early presentation, ly Presidents, Seoretaries, or Editors will advance the swm—the ‘ pennies’ for which may be collected later among the people. “Tracy TURNERELLI, “* Chairman of the People’s Tribute.” So, let the word be, ‘‘ Advance pennies! —Presidents, Secretaries, and Editors! ”— and then ™«t Present Tribute! Attention! Eyes—right! Take the word and the movement from Tracy TURNERELLI !” AT LEAST TWO WAYS OF LOOKING AT IT. From the Point 4%, View at Berlin— ith Honour ** Peace wi From those in Afghanistan and South Africa,—W ar with eng Tue Course or Rivers. — From the National Debt Office in Cairo, back to the National Debt Office in London. Cavatry Orricers’ First CHARGERS.— The Military Tailors snd Outfitters.

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May 3, 1879.]

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INJYABLE INJIA; OR, NOTES AND SKETCHES OF A SPECIALLY-COMMISSIONED ARTIST. By FUZZELI PRINCEPS. Carter VI. Indore—Games— Dodges— Chess— Mate—Sans - bans - maree—Sittings—Nautch — Chance— Accepted — Beautiful— Description — Poetic —Charming—Jolly —Rummy—Jam_ Sukee— Archbishop — Canterbury — Appariter — Nash— Jolly — Joke— Rhyme — Awfully-Awful —Cocoa- Nuts — Cherubh—Rome— Khan-Khan— Descent— Disguise — Khik- Uphi— Drums — Trumpets— Bis — Millah—Rummi— Pootih Sing —Jealousy— Whiskers— False—Sneekhar — Fakawazahs— Danger— Intense—Rapid—A ction—Done—Private—Off— Next Day—Breakfast—Day After—Zenana—Dhoodheen Shah—Mode Chancellors — Notes— Eminent Models — House Surrounded — Peelahs —

4th, —T came in with Hraza the same evening I accepted at once. Hrnza, and asked him to sit. sat. While we were chatting, old Mustarcon Summow the spot, or, if she wins, it is a genuine case maree. If notice is not given, then your adversary may aim at Sans-bans-maree, i i LARKHZIR. They invited us to a nautch, which was to take If notice is given three times beforehand of your fair adversary’s intention, then you either refuse to of Bane requires some dex- terity. No one, who has never seen it played by adepts, can form an ins of the cell penaleel on both cides. the opportunity, and on AZURE i in Mustarvun’s apple- ds. A ‘‘nautch” in a nautchard (that is, apple- . Here is a chance !

| |

Treachery—Danger—How to Escape—Peril—Away. i —as I say to anyone who asks me for the loan of half day, playing at out. remarkab a fix asi It is difficult to describe all the dodges as far as the object goes, which is to mate in as few moves as possible. ** Bansmaree” is a ie “ng Y, 7)

rains. Was h H.R.H. visited Injia. ~a-crown. us game to play unless ~~ Fe iA |’ 643 | ’ "Wes

Koven SKETCH, MADE ON THE Spot, or Ov Tunez SELVES SEEING THE ZDance or a Tuovsanp Navutcu-Ginis sy Torcuiient. y Be as an inexperienced hand might find himself landed in as tight been to a blushing beauty by special licence at St. Bride’s. i It is not unlike chess in the game. wvors, — Charming place, when it ere before, when mi chan r— by ave , until I ae Tso! P ways t there was "hostly shout the ~~ 4 think I considered him is a male y, the female bogey being termed an 4 narition. owever, this has naught to do with t Nautch. So on we go again, jolly as ever !—or as jolly as Jolly Nash. propos of Jolly Nash, I’ve seen a dark-skinned beauty in a rage show her white gleaming tecth, and give such a “‘ jolly gnash” with them! My! Forwards! Being called on for a song, I gave them— Go away, Nautchy gal! Go ever so far! You are so awfully awful, you are ! in my raciest style. They enjoyed it immensely. Which was the prettier of the two, I don’t know—RAt Jam SUKEE, or Pootin Srxe. Dnoonpek Ep Kasam is uncommon cocoa-nuts on the patter, am thinks of making this captivating little gipsy is Sultana— A Gitana His Sultana. But—— Well, at ont I think there’s a sweet little cherub of the true Britis breed who smiles up aloft, and who keeps his eye on Poorrm Ste, who, in turn, if I mistake not, is rather spoons on the Bold British Artist. When I say, as above, “little cherub,” let my readers think how they are deceived by the appearance of the Little Cherubs in St. Peter’s at , and then they will have some idea of my meaning. Aha! The Nautch was only the first (so to speak) towards the fuses religious féte of Fakawazahe, called the Bél Mosque. vergene goes in Gapainn The

great dance of the evening ves its name from the

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cr I Sine * © | j € | steps Pp nom 204 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 3, 1879. fact of its being performed by the Khans eminent for piety, and is called the Khan-Khan. Mf anyone, except a native, is found dancing it, he is at once shikaree’d on lace where the Bél Mosque is held is reached by several It is something like one of our London under- ground theatres, where you descend in order to reach the Upper Circle; and, I can tell y only the Upper Cireles are allowed here. No «Sea But it » the Flsaniost pines I was ever in—taken | as a ho Trusting to my disguise, and my thorough acquaintance with Fukawatah manners, customs, aH 4 dialect, I went to the Bél Mosque, and danced it with pretty Rit Jam Soxer, executing the % eS >> my ey : A\) i ry ’ > EES [ we 3 ~ great step, Khik- Uphi, so admirably, as to draw rounds of applause from the usually stolid natives. Whack went the drums, clang went the cymbals, while the trumpets sounded a fanfare of triumph. ‘** Bis! Millah!” they cried, i “encore,” or ‘‘ again, Millah !”—I was dressed as a Millah—‘‘ Bis! Bis! Bis ! Millah!” Rit Jam SvxKeer’s eyes glowed with unwonted fire. At that moment I caught sight of my servant, that accursed Rumi, with Pootrn Srxe. He was telling her who I was, and making her as jealous as only an Injian Nautch-girl can be when she likes, and when she loves ! Just as I was doing the Khik-Uphi for the last time, Pootrm Sive put out her foot and tripped me up. Off came my false nose and whiskers!! In an instant I recovered myself, but not before SyeekwAr Sau, my rival with Rit Jam Suxer, had recognised me. Rumi and Pootru Srxe¢ had disappeared. But in another second the whole Bél M would have been alarmed, and | should have been sacrificed to the fanatical fury of the Fakawazahs, had I not rushed at SyEzEK retended to embrace him frantically, as my long-lost brother, and, buasite him so as to smother him, while squeezed his windpipe to prevent his uttering a sound, I him from the Bé/ Mosque into the en, when, suddenly prod g from my pocket a little phial of chloroform, I applied it to Swxex- HAk’s mouth and nose, in another second, he lay at my feet more senseless than he had ever before. Watching my opportunity, I dr tent labelled “* private,” prop - wine (empty) on the table ate. Next Evening.—Breakfasted on charpoy (that is, a pie made of lake-fish potted), and left early. Romi nowhere to be seen. I think he has got into difficulties with Poorrm Stxc, the Nauteh-girl. 3 so, I don’t pity him. Heard no more of SyeekHar and the Bé/ 0 . Day after the Fair.—This morning ate a Zenana for breakfast. First time I’ve tasted one. They say it’s an acquired taste. If so, I acquired it very quickly, as I liked it at once.* No news of Roum or Pootru Suxe, or SNEEKHAR. Am I free? or not? I must keep my eye open, hook it if necessary. ; Tuesday.—Called on DuooprEN Sain. He was looking very * From Editor to Puczeli Pri .—Dear F..— When you say ‘‘ Zenana” you surely don’t mean Zenana, as that you have alluded to already in these papers as a harem, where the Sultanas reside. I just draw your attention to what seems a mistake, and am yours very truly, Taz Epiror. Reply from F. P. to Editor.—No jolly error. Allow me to draw your attention—and I can draw that as well as I can anything else—to the fact that there are more meanings than one attached to the word Zenana, depend- img on circumstances aad pronunciation. You can find plenty of parallels in lish. But you must find ’em for yourself, as I haven't the time.— Yours jollily, F. P., 6ft. 4in. him into a side refreshment- m up in a chair, placed a bottle y his side, and then left him to his black. Took a portrait of him, highly coloured. Noticed about the Court-yard several fine, jolly-looking fellows, who would have made handsome fortunes as models in lonien. It is not perhaps generally known that one of the most lucrative professions in town 1s that of a model. Almost all the Chancellors and most of the Judges began life as models, and I trust they will always continue to be models to the end of their days. One eminent Judge was known as Apollo Belvidere, another as Adonis, and a third as Hercules. The most extraordinary example of a professional model is the M.P. who sits for Parliament. returning to my bungalow, I heard a confused murmur. What could it mean? “* No jolly larks?” I whispered to myself. Rummt’s voice!! The native Peelahs (that is, Indian Police) were ee ged for some one. Me! by jingo! Sneexar had been only half chloroformed, had woke up, and told the whole stor of the Bél Mosque. Poorrm Stve had quarrelled with Ruma, an charged him with the crime, but Rum» had pledged himself to find the true culprit, and Syeeknar had engaged the Pee/ahs (Indian Police), at so much a day te discover me, and bring me to justice. Failing this, within a certain time, SNEEKHAR and Rummi would both be executed, as having attempted to deceive Justice. Hurried Diary, which I jot down while rushing from one window to another, to ascertain best mode of escape.—Not a minute to be lost. Escape by the street impossible. Escape by road? Not a chance. By rail? Nota line within twenty miles. By river? Ha! My bungalow is situated on a most yf elevation at the summit of the Great Torrent, which has a fall of two thousand feet into the placid river below. No time for hesitation. How to descend? Out of my kitchen-window. ’Tis but a drop of a few yards, including the back yard, to begin with. Then the drop into the fall will be but as a drop in the ocean after that, No boat can live inthat awful boiling current! I don’t care whether a ‘‘ boat can live in that boiling current ”— the question is, can J live in it; that is, sufficiently long to live out of it afterwa The Peelahs are hammering at the door. Down it must come with a crash. And then—I am a lost man. Come, desperation, lend thy furious hold! Ha! I see my way—lI see the plan! I am a man of resources— and in another second-— LIBERTY A LA RUSSE. Now that the worse half of Russia is under martial law, and the citizens of the more important towns have to provide spies to watch their own houses, other coercive measures may be confidently ex- pected. Without pretending to share the secrets of the Czar, Mr. Punch may hint, that the following regulations will be shortly promulgated :— 1. Agents of the Government will be placed under the dinner- table at banquets of six or more persons. 2. Every keyhole will be furnished with an observer, whose duty it will be to listen to all conversations held in the room to which the door belongs. 3, All letters will be opened at the Post Office, and copies kept thereof, with the exception of correspondence passing between engaged poanas. : 4. An Inspector of Diaries will be appointed to every ten houses whose duty it will be to read and take notes for the Third Section of the daily records of meals, amusements, conversations, businesses, and pleasures, which the residents will be required to keep, on pain of arrest and imprisonment in a fortress. 5. When a person is suspected of disaffection to the Government, an t will be stationed in his bedroom (at the expense of his family) to listen to any remarks he may make in his sleep. of a compromising character render the speaker liable to arrest. oe 6. Duplicate keys of all cupboards, bureaux, and writing desks must be kept by householders, and handed to the agents of authority on demand. ’ 7. Births, deaths, and marriages, will not in future be permitted without the sanction of the General Commanding the District. 8. All persons will be required to think aloud in the presence of a Government official. And 9 and last. A licence will be required for everything—the right to pay taxes included. The Island of Matacong. “Srerra Leonz, April 7 (vid Liverpool).—The French authorities still hold Matacong, and the excitement here has not subsided. It is rumoured that General Row is going over to again hoist the British flag on the island.” A Wak with France about Matacong! The One Thing wanted— to complete the Imperial Cycle. 4@ To Cozugsronpants.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or A aghvee-r-o4 erga In no case can these be returned unless accomparied by @ stamped and directed

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May 10, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ik: 205 Oye mn irs Whey A QUESTION TO BE ASKED, v “Sir W. Fraser asked the Vice-President of the Privy Coun- cil whether his attention had been called to the evidence taken at the inquest on the body of Emiry Hutsenr, who died of glanders, showing that a younger sister died of the same disease, and that fourteen glandered borses had been kept and sold b Bacon, cab-proprietor, of Colville Mews, Bayswater, fan | whether he considered the system of inspection of cab-horses, ayy! as regards night use, to be effectual. ‘* Lord G. Hamitton explained that the case referred to had been under the consideration of the Privy Council, whose chief veterinary inspector had investigated it. As the result of this investigation, and that of the Medical Officer to the Board of Health, the local authorities had decided to prosecute Mr. Bacon for frequent violations of the regulations laid down in the Act of last year. The inspection of cab-horses was not within the hay of the Privy Council, but within that of the Home Whuy exalt Hygiene to the Heavens, To hold —- on the corses Of babes, ed, sixes and sevens, Over s full of glandered horses ? Turkish horrors no one excuses, And Russ rule is not the thing; But of glandered children our Mewses Have got their own song to sing! And it isn’t Lp —e ora e great in the Arts, And in he None strong, And with what ’s called ‘ blood ” in their hearts. And as Punch breathes the Mewses’ breath, And hears of our careful inspection To save swine and kine from death, It awakes in him this reflection— If those mothers and children there O’er these poisonous stables pent, Had a little of the care On the swine and the kine that’s spent!

“IN RANGE.” An Easy Mistake. Old Gent (in Omnibus). ‘I TRUST your RiFLE Is Nor LOADED, Sir, BECAUSE . WITH THIS SHAKING IT MIGHT GO OFF!” : PP oe era Tin te tt» Dh B ny od J a, Volunteer (nettled). ‘‘ No, 1r’s Not LoApED, Sre. AND IF IT WERE TO Go wards assured p< Roll ” Guery if our friend A ). T _" ’ ” 4 . * 2 Ory, 59 Sree ae ae P has not mistaken for ‘“‘ marching step by step,” the Old Gent, “‘ Ou, sUs’ so, 8mm. But—you’.Lt PARDON mME—I WAS NOT coN- | movement called ‘marking time”? Or perhaps it was SIDERING MYSELF 80 MUCH AS THE POOR PassENGERS ON THE Roor!!” the goose-step he describes.

a I can build bathing-machines at Birmingham at twenty-five pounds “MAGNA EST VERITAS.” | ten a-piece, and the same thing, and better, can be turned out in “ We do not argue the doctrine of Fres Trade. We do not argue that the — for just half the money, what am I todo? Starve ? earth is a globe.””—Times. ; + precionl l z 4 to 7 poy en 7 with lial . eee na ‘ i oe , trony). y. Starve, | suppose. And so you wo if Govern- ScenE—A smoking-room. Political Economists discovered arguing. ment didn’t step in with a heavy protective tariff, to give you fair First Political Economist (hotly). Well, I read all the speeches | play. * ‘ ! ‘ —every one of ’em. Bateman had a long way the best of it. | ‘econd Political Economist (still clinging to Fawcett). Yes, but if You can’t let the whole trade of the country go to the degs, you | J want to bathe in the cheapest market ? know. | First Political Ex ist. Cheapest market ? Nonsense, Sir, what Second Political Economist (who has read Apam Smrrn). Ah! | has the commerci _ peeatnens of the country to do with markets! thats just where you’re all wrong. You don’t understand. The | What we want nowadays is blow for blow, Sir; red-hot reciprocity, fact is (boldly) it’s the very going of trade to the dogs which proves | and a good thundering protective tariff, to stimulate and support the it’s most flourishing. (With more caution). At least, that’s what I | national industries that make us what we are. make of Fawcett. [Selects a cigar, for which he pays the Waiter sevenpence, and _ Third Political Economist (impressed). Just so. Still, if your is left using unparliamentary language in reference to the — exceed your exports, where are you ? ; Tobacco Duties as the Scene closes. irst Political Economist. Of course. That’s the point. It’s a <—— ote that does - wry om at el as om ir olitical Economist. Exactly. ok at sugar. at’s ha: pening to that ? Doctor and Donor. econd Political Economist (hig htly nettled). Well, I don’t| Tue Obelisk, Enasmus Witson’s gift to Mr. Jonn Butt, is said exactly know—or care— beyond that it’s twopence-halfpenny a/| to be undergoing the application of a ‘‘ coating of a vitreous nature,” | pound at the stores. in order to protect its surface, which had already begun to show First Political Economist. Yes, that’s what every consumer says. | signs of “ sealing,” from the action of the atmosphere. Did the It ought to be double the price. It’s beggarly. donor of Cleopatra’s Needle himself prescribe the remedy for it? If Third Political Economist, And ruining the trade. How is the | so, the iption of an expert in cutaneous diseases may be profoess, te live, I should like to know ? capunted $0 extaer C olitical Economist (warmly—with a flash of Fawcett). Wallan as a commercial pauper supported by other people's

charity. A SEASONABLE QUEST, First Political Economist. And you call yourself a political econo- | Wuenz is the Mayflower? mist! Why, it’s as plain as A, 8,C. Let meputacase. Suppose | Gone on pilgrimage to America in search of the Spring.

VOL, LXXVI, T

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 10, 1879, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. (Lords, Monday, April 28.) nEN Lord Bury had snubbed Lord Truro for asking more questions about range-finders, he gave General Wray something as like the lie for ing the truth as a young War-Office official could give an old General. The art of official answering has been very conspicuously illustrated this Session. Lord Bury seems to have even bettered Lord Satispury’s instruction. The sufferings of cattle in sea-transit exercised the humanity of Earl De ta Warr, and the explanatory euphemism of the Duke of Ricnmonp. ot . He declares the arrangements for cattle-carrying between this country and the United States are most satisfactory, but that the Atlantic will take liberties, and that “‘ accidents will occur in the best-regulated ventilating apparatus.” It is a great comfort to think the poor bullocks are being looked after; but how about Joun Butt, in transitu across the Channel, when the double-ship is not running! I rd STRATHEDEN wauts to make the Militia moveable. He forgets what it has cost us to make the Army mobile. * Donna e mobile, my Lord, if you like” (says Lord Bury) but not Militia~-man. He ‘‘ savours of the soil,” as the old law phrase | ran, and can only be shipped over sea, at his own good pleasure, as a volunteer; and there are always plenty of Militia regiments to volunteer when wanted. So Lord SrRaTHEDEN AND CAMPBELL, as usual, having elaborately beaten the air, and been good-humouredly wigged by the Duke of CAMBRIDGE—whose wiggings are not mortal—retired re infectd.

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Mar 10, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 207 AW ee REVOLTING MEANNESS! Nurse (examining Christening Present, just received). ‘‘ Lon, Ma’am, 1¥ Mr. MAcsTINGy HAIN’T SENT DEAR BaBy THE Cup HIs Cocarn-CHINA FowL WON AT THE PovuLTny SHow!”’ (Commons.)}—Adjourned Debate on the Rylands Resolutions. Mr. Goscuen, the great gun of the Debate, thus far, fired off the heaviest charge that could be fired against the Government, packed into forty minutes. “ The First Lord of the Admiralty asked, with much emphasis, whether if the Liberals were in office the would diminish the armaments by a single man or a gun. He would answer that question. If it were his misfortune to be responsible for the acts of the present Government—if he had an Afghan war on his hands; if he had left a Viceroy in charge who moved a division of the army half way to Cabul on sanitary grounds ; if he had a High Commissioner who dreamed a dream of establishing a second India in Africa, whom he had censured but not yet removed; andif he had to provide for garrisoning Roumelia in consequence of engagements at Berlin ; if, possibly, he had to send men to Cyprus in order to meet his engagements in Asia Minor,—no, he certainly should not think of reducing the armaments with which he had to face those engagements.” That is the pith of the matter. Accept the policy, and you have no right to complain of the expenditure. Still, the Government ought to meet their Bills. But what was their financial policy? It simply postponed the excess of expenditure and liabilities over income to a future day; it renewed bilis it prolonged liability. They had, in fact, avoided eps pevee Sir H. Setwyn-Ipzetson, to a House growing small by degrees and beautifully less, read a long brief for the Government, bristling with figures, but blank of facts, and blanker of style. But as nobody listened while Sir Sztwrn read, and as certainly nobody has read since, the infliction was by no means so bad as it looks in the 7imes. Mr, GuLapstone said the Government was not arraigned for not putting on more taxes, but for ing more money t a wiser policy would have required. neg ae augmented military charges by six millions, and, if they had contemplated a reduction this year, it was a case of death-bed repen c tance. Unluckily, Kercuwayo had stepped in. By the habit of supplementary Budgets, the Government was destroying Parliamentary control of the purse. Sound financial policy had been turned upside-down, and the longer reaction against the Government, its finance, and its foreign policy, was in coming, the worse it would be when it did come. Then, after a lot of small fry, pro and con., Mr. CuripErs boiled down Mr. Saurru’s facts into a Lew thin jelly, and analysed away his figures, bringing the disagreeable total—according to his reckoning—to five millions increase of military, and twelve of general expenditure. The CHaNnceLLor of the Excueqver replied. The Government had done nothing that was not necessary to maintain the credit and provide for the safety of the nation. Their object was not aggression, but tranquillity and prosperity. They had avoided war by mere expenditure and demonstration of ey and they had deserved well of their country. And so the House divided, by 303 to 230, and then cheered itself lustily. Tuesday.—A remarkable night in the Lords. Lord Bateman tried to dig up Protection in the form of Reciprocity, whereupon Lord Bracons- FIELD spoke its funeral sermon, and, like the Sicamber, kicked what he had once " Punch has given a column to his ballad of Lord Bateman, and a Cartoon to the Diz-interment. Lord Bateman considered Reciprocity the coping-stone of Free Trade. He would not restore the Corn Laws, but would — *“asmall customs entry” on wheat coming from abroad. He repudiated mid im ion, but wo **a small restrictive tariff” on all countries which would not enter into reciprocal arrangements with us. He objected to be called a Dodo—though he = admitted it might be a compliment to be called a ‘‘ Do-do” to Prince Bismarck. So far from being one of who camel wit Lit, ies Sheaukp w wi were the only people wide-awake. He couldn’t see w a country would get richer if its imports were greater its ex: a pease Fawcett lg es it bei is experience that people’s wealth was not to be meas by what they bought. Arkure said that Lord Batr- mAN’s Reciprocity was only Protec- tion in disguise. The Duke of Rurtanp went as far as Lord Bateman, and a good deal farther. Free Trade meant national ruin. So far from believing with Mr. Brient that the distress in 1842 was ten times as bad as now, he be- lieved the distress now was ten times as bad as in 1842. Landlords and tenants were going to smash on all sides. And no wonder. The more wheat we grew, the more wheat other countries would grow ; and the more cattle we raised, the more cattle would be imported. Ergo: The cheaper bread and beef got, the worse off we should be. In short, everybody was being shipwrecked, and the only life- buoy was ‘ Protection.” Lord Douwraven submitted that bad seasons, idleness, drunkenness, improvidence, wars and rumours of wars, standing armies, and strikes — together have more to do with times than Free Trade. Lord Morey thought that ‘ Reciprocity” would, in practice, come to cutting off your nose to spite your face. Lord Beacons¥rexp finally put the extinguisher on the Duke of Rurt- LAND, Lord Bareman, and their friends. The policy of fighting hos- tile tariffs with free imports was y | deliberately and finally adopted in 1846. Reciprocity was barter; and barter belonged to the lowest form of civilisation. His honourable friend had quoted some of his own “‘ musty phrases,” thirty yearsold. But thirt years ago we a complicated tariff, with a great many dutiable articles. Now, the tariff included twenty-three dutiable articles only. We had no longer the materials for a system of reciprocity. The ‘* most favoured na- tion clause ’”’ was in all our commer- cial treaties, and forbade it. Reci- rocity was dead. Best it should buried—once and for ever ! Lord GRANVILLE congratulated Lord Beaconsrieip on having put down his foot to stamp out the rising hopes of Protection. (Commons.)—Mr. Burt went into the very serious and ugly subject of loss of life from boiler explosions and insisted upon the necessity of compulsory inspection, and more stringent enforcement of the - sibilities of boiler-owners, who, from niggardliness or carelessness neg- —— woe duty to have om ers kept in proper repair, an used with care, Messrs. Hermon, Cowen, Sir T. Bazitzey, Mr. Macvowatp, and Mr, SHERIDAN, supported Mr. B Mr. Cross quite agreed with him in his end; the only question was as to means. He doubted if the wa et to pulsory qoasued baller iepestion, fe be

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208 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (May 10, 1879, | would see personal responsibility brought home in all cases, and | this, he thought, would come to much the same thing as compulsory | inspection. In short, Better let boilers bust, With inspection ad libitum, Than that Law should say “ must,” And from busting prohibit ’em. Wednesday.—Sir Rosert Peet much annoyed that he was not allowed to couple a side-long sneer at Mr. GLapsTone with a savage | onslaught on Russia, in a question mixing up Mr. GrLapstoNe’s | complaint of Neapolitan prison-horrors in 1851-52 with the Nihilist | terror and the state of siege under the martial law of the Czar | ALEXANDER in 1879. The Speaker emphatically gave Sir Ropert to undertand that even he must observe the rules of the House as to questions. Mr. Sciiivan tried to crown the edifice of the Irish Sunda | Closing Bill with a Saturday Restricting Bill—to shut the rural Iris | publics at eight, and the town publics at six. One would have | thought Irish Members had had enough last year of fighting over liquor-limitation law, but they managed to keep up a very purty | scrimmage over Mr. Suiiivan’s Bill till Mr. Catian talked it out | by a quarter to six. Thursday (Lords).—Ought landlords, or tenants, or both, to be rated towards the conservancy of rivers? A nice debateable point, with a great deal to be said on all sides. ‘‘ Landlords,” sa rds Kimpercey, Gattoway, Morey, and Repespate; “ Both,” say the Duke of Ricumond and the Marquis of Ripon, and earry their Lordships with them by 57 to 36. (Commons.)—Sir J. Gotpsmrp wanted to know if the Serjeant-at- Arms had the right to order or take Honourable Members out of their Committee-rooms into the House to make a quorum ? The SpeAKER said it was so laid down in the books. He could send round the Serjeant-at-Arms without the Mace to ask Members to make a House, and, if they didn’t come, then with the Mace, to make them! So ‘‘ the Bauble” has its uses—one is glad to know. In Committee on Army Discipline Bill, Sir H. Havetock moved that no officer should be put on half-pay or removed from an appointment on report of a Court of Inquiry, without opportunity of trial by a Court-Martial. Sir W. Harcourt agreed that Courts of Inquiry might be used in an unfair and oppressive way, and ought to be cma regulated, but he did not see how they could be abolished. Colonel Stawiey offered to issue regulations binding on these Courts; and a brisk controversy arose among the soldiers and would-be soldiers present, whether this offer went far enough. At last, being sore pressed, Mr. Cross, for Colonel Staniey, was fain to promise that the regulations should be laid before the House, before Third Reading of the Bill. Then the House got through nine clauses of the Bill, after some discussion of the billeting allowance besides. A real stroke of business done, if a small one. JZaus Deo! Friday (Lords).—All Government ean tell Lord GranviLie about our South-African High Commissioner and the chances and terms of Peace is that he has been expressly warned, “ We don't want to fight, And, by Jingo, if you do !’’ —— Her Majesty’s Government have had more South Africa than they can digest, and positively ‘‘won’t take any more.” So let Sir B. put that in his pipe. As to terms of peace—Good heavens! how should Her Majesty’s Government know anything about them! Let Sir B. settle it the best bon | he can, and get rid of the business, which has been more bother and annoyance and danger to the Government credit and prestige than it can ever be worth. In the oft-threshed matter of poor men’s payments to Friendly Societies, Earl Forrescue tried in vain to get their Lordships to follow; him along the strait way of Poor-Law principle, from the broad and dangerous path of humanity. Their Lordships stand by the last settlement of the matter, which, it is to be — will be now accepted. Poor men’s payments in the hands of Clubs and Friendly Societies, will not be forfeit to Boards of Guardians, if they come to “‘ the House” by pinch of sickness, loss of wits, or any other of the ills flesh—and poor man’s flesh above all—is heir to. _(Commons.)—Sir R. Pest tried again to hit at Mr. GLapstrone and his protest against Neapolitan tyranny, some eight-and-twenty years ago, under cover of a question why Government don’t remonstrate with Russia on her domiciliary severities. But Sir Srarrorp NoxtTucore very properly put him down. Naples was a bad hitle boy, Russia isa bad dig one. Besides, we can’t be thrusting our fingers into all the messes. We have them in messes enough already. Sir Rosert found a congenial * backer” in the Major—Arcades ambo—but the Major is the more amusing Arcadian. His pro- elamation of the Czar as the ideal ‘‘ A’dile” was irresistibly funny. South Africa on the tapis, and Mr. Ketcuwayo’s little cheque to the end of March—£1,539,000, if you please—and everybody would be obliged by an early settlement. z And then, strange to say, on Mr. Saaw-Lerevre’s Motion for giving more power to the Bright-Clauses of the Irish Land Act (which help tenants to buy their holdings), came the most satis- factory Irish night’s talk and night’s work the House has had since the Land Act passed. ; There was really quite a tone of hope ead cheerfulness about it ; and it was a comfort to see Tories and Whigs, Radicals and Home- Rulers, Mr. Exrtyeron and Mr. Piunget, Mr. Guapstone and Mr. Kiye-Harman, Mr. Macarruy and Mr w, and Mr. Brieur, all laying their heads together in som like friendly econsi- deration of the best means for t mtented Irish tenants into industrious and peaceful small o , with hope to light up their lives, and give them something better to do than listen to agitation. Of course Mr. Lowrmer could hardly be looked for to go far on this road; but he went farther ht have been expected. And Sir Starrorp NortTHcorTE says the Gov ent will make a proposal before the end of the Beton: Pune for once has got something like pleasure over an Irish Par tary palaver. ATHLETICS AS THEY OUGHT TO BE. IELDING to the consideration that it is their mission to test the endurance of hu- manity to the utmost, the Directors of the Urbs-in- Rure-Hall Company have decided upon holding, in their spacious premises, A Granp ScrenTiFic anp ATHLETIC CARNIVAL of an unique description. Hitherto, only races for comparatively short periods of time, and under easy conditions, have been pre- to the athletic pub- lic. On this occasion, A Srx Montnus’ Race or THE MOST REALLY TRY- Ing CHARACTER will be inaugurated. The following will be the Rules and Regulations. 1. The competitors dur- ing the first month will Ww upon their knees. During the remainder of the time they will be permitted to hop on either leg they may select. The leg, once selected, not to be changed during the remainder of the race. . 2. No competitor to be allowed to sleep more than one hour in twenty-four. The competitors to take their rest in chairs, During the first month the chairs to have no arms. ; W.. competitor accepting the services of a doctor, to be dis- qualified. 7 : 4. When the Public are present, the competitors will be required to smile six times an hour, and generally to appear cheerful. 5. During the last two months the competitors will be expected to keep step with the brass band, and (when the Public are present) to indulge in a playful caper once in every four “laps.” 6. The competitors, before entering upon the contest, will sign a paper, releasing the Directors from responsibility for any fatal con- uences. They will bind themselves to throw all i diffi- culties in the way of eee v7 instigated or taken by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to ; ‘ } 7. On admission to the contest, the competitors will pay a small fee, to cover the expenses of inquests, &c. These rules will be strictly observed. On the conclusion of the Race, will be awarded the following Prizes First Prize.—Champion’s Belt and a fourth of the gate-money. Second Prize.—A ticket of admission to the Royal Hospital for Incurables. For every agate who completes two months—a first-class carriage funeral. By Order, A. Surrn, Secretary to the Directors, (Signed) B. Brown, Manager of the Race and Funeral Department, tf A \\ wen iN th Wd 1{ (( (iene sae Were... ah

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May 10, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 209 OUR OWN ACADEMY GUIDE. — ani by, Cae the ow ae It is called A Justice in Prefatial remarks—Advice—Starting on the round—Galleries, This pletune, by Loom! ne One Hundred Not the best in the room T and Eleventh} Gattery No. IV. And look at— Roya Academy N ** Ahem!” CHARLES Lasypeee, R.A. “Ahem!” is Annual and First not ; but after one clenes, at tee figures you will find that to hibition under be . Pass on Fgunenwn's - 0, oy are —_, er fon Mies soy, ly pr Ber, shay J. ency. : sap-Poynter. tor wi y; re With that disr that, in this picture, are to be Tai wd Beauties of fhe of rank and title Perhaps so; he may find i SS t it will t take his should always aa discover the Beauties of the tacterise Art, the Acga- 0, 879. Seience and Me 8. Marxs, R.A. Elect. demicians give | ty diploma Capital. "Winn 7, ead to, find that Mr. H. 8. rh Visiting to days we shall see his View fire ed i Private [peated ee View Ghai era , E. Hopeson, Prete Baar of Comic Scripture C eed wed hee sufficient to encourage Galle om v s yy Beck ig. edit NEY aa ee c See ATR PAEmca Bee ig fe. vil AT aa the Bt ah Go to There are as many Ages of os there ape of Man but th chit 0, No. Pe Age is the Aver-age, had hr Academy, it rag ty t year Aero alae eet Be a ng ae pst ena msnary iva I will culy oud Wes may posbaes, ba Fad irr! ee ,|Feplie the Yep , rather an ace ~ yf is to save your valuable time, by directin be. wandering adem, did. B e carriage is now a SSAUD’S, “Raker Street. . — om -So in the books; not by any particular rule, but soars, Exwest Crorrs! In Real Exwest, Crorrs! So ends the at haphazar it. General Advice.— First look at a Picture without reference to the “ = Catalogue. Settle in your own mind all about it, its subject, what it ought to mean, its drawing, its painting. See if you recognise MUSTY PHRASES. the style. Then refer to the Number in the Catalogue, and prepare] « put when he taunts me with his quotation of some musty phrases of for astonishment. Your immediate remarks will generally be—‘‘ Is| mine thirty or forty years ago, I must remind him that we Bed clements it, indeed ? Well I should never have thought that was the subj ect ! then,”’ &., &c.—Lord Beaconsr1eLp on Reciprocity. And whose is it? a. go eel ell!!! I had no idea it * was his //!” 1 not begin with ‘‘ Number One”—that may Wuen Venus yields to us her “ place of arms,” safely be left rm. nee we itself; but I will point out JoHN pees pas own he pins small faith fn I her ; No. 22. A Well-stocked Larder. H.M. Pace. How the Page Though fro lin, instead of war’s al in the larder must have gloated over these provisions! Visit this Somebody rile was’t?) brought us sed with Honour.” picture about luncheon time. And still we seek, by help of Tancred’s views,— Then go at once—for I’m sure you’re dying to know what Of which we are to bear the cost and brunt here,— Professor Hart, R.A., has painted this year,—go at once to Gallery From dark Afghans, and not less dark Zulus, Ke eee Dak. tenho bine Mot bald 0 bed boon, ‘* A Scientific Frontier.” is c nd: almost a en gem. ‘No a io, said some kindly disposed critic. He was right. It is not Wet Joy, when & to the Wine rapertere cee or alf a bad picture, it being only about a quarter of the size of the oo may laug! ssrings of & the “ idle chattor ys one last year. ‘*Small by degrees and beautifully less.” He is Of pale Pry Ts p—"* ioe ible frivolity” ? evidently his own line, instead of that devoted to the Acade- were J micians; and the Hanging Committee, acting on my advice, given So let us own, as fact ’s hard ground appears cordially and gratuitously last year, have done their best celare Below the glare of rhetoric’s firework-blazes, Hartem. Perhaps it is Professor Sotomon Hanrvt’s own suggestion We need not travel back for thirty years ‘ If so, I admire not so much Soromon’s A’art as the “Ju t To find what will one day be “ musty phrases, of SoLomon.” Pass on to No. 208—and ss what it is, md first ipgoocsion was that Nosology. ‘Blu various coloured Boys,——such as the ¢ e Boy,” &c.,—having been} Arrer the recent deaths of children over stables, it is no painted by various distinguished artists, an som after their| wonder that pablo attention ‘should have called to the fact clothes, some rare original genius had hit upon the idea of depicting} that “a sneeze from a glandered horse in the shafts of a Hansom a Yellow Boy without any clothes—a Bilious Boy. Then his attitude | cab may be certain death.” Of course that depends a little on is that of rapt attention to something in the istance. Now then, | circumstances; but the probability of it is strong enough to warn Ladies and Gentlemen, who is the only historical Boy who ever us to take care how we trust ourselves in Hansom cabs. It is listened in rapt attention—this “ wrapt attention ” serving him for wise, no doubt, © never to look a gift-horse ip the mouth ; but it would o> anything ? be wiser always, ere you seat yourself behind ibly patections You will, of course, answer, WP freiinngy = ” when the distant| animal, te look a Hansom cab-horse carefully in “he nosteils lis ran; ” &e. Of course, WHITTINGTON was very r, an he might have pawned his clothes. But—no—it is not HITTINGTON, and for what it reall y is, I refer you to the Catalogue, Tue FasHion or THE Season.—Letting Houses—alone! where you will find what Mr. J. Hepa nt, R.A., meant by it. To me it will ever be, ‘‘ The Bilious Bo No, 261. A Marionette at rest wan ‘he organ isn 't playing. This Tue Krrcmes- RAnor- FINDER,~ ‘The Policeman ! ee — ——

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 10, 1879. VA |! {huA\t! Ny Se i iH | ELLE p= cis, 2 ¥ - * PERILS OF ASTHETIC CULTURE. Uncle John (suddenly bursting on newly-wedded pair), ‘* Hutto, MY TURTLE-Doves! wHAT’s THE ROW! NoT QUARRELLED YET, I Trust ?”’ Edwin. “‘Om DEAR NO. WE’VE BEEN GOING IN FoR HIGH ART, THAT’S ALL.”’ Angelina, “‘ AND DrawinGa From Casts OF THE ANTIQUE.”’ Edwin. ‘‘ AND ANGY's NosE TURNS UP 80 AT THE END, AND SHE’S GOT SUCH A SKIMPY WAIST, AND SUCH A BIG HEAD, AND : SUCH TINY LITTLE Hanps AND Feet! Hane iT Au, 1 THOUGHT HER PERFECTION !”’ Angelina. *‘ Yes, Uncte Jonn; AND EpwiIn’s Got A Lona Upper Lip, AND A RUNAWAY CHIN, AND HE C-C-CAN’T GROW A Beakp AND Moustacne! Of pear! On DEAR!” [ With difficulty restrains her sobs. MR. BULL ON FREE TRADE. THE REASON WHY. 1m ‘ . y, : M. PovyvER-QUE . T'ne more I’ve to pay for my imports, the worse ; (Anwnding tS. FevemQuanrim.) The less, why the better, of course, for my purse. THERE is a depression in French trade— Best of all ’twere to get them for nothing, no doubt— Because Civilisation is jealous. And I couldn’t lose money by doing without. Because M. Brassey is a farceur. If I can do without th Beinn emia % ll Because MM. les Anglais drink gingére-beer en malice. Not tot o without t il whees aps owe be vl Because a ‘‘ treaty is the negation of liberty.” Prohibition “ eodey) hy : Le aig oe = Because the consumer will not fraternally kiss the ar ag roe Though I mayn’t foree = neighbour his tariff to ay Because Frenchmen are chassés from Lestarre Squarr by “‘ le ’ig price.” P But suppose I can’t do without this thing or that, | _ Because the Captain of a Boulogne and Folkestone boat is un gros If I don’t get it cheap as I can, 1’m a flat. Bouledogue d@ Alinon. . ‘ “te Did I not let it into my ports duty free, Because French Political Economists are so much trop généreuz. E’en Lord Bareman must own that a donkey I'd be. And, lastly, because an export trade of fifteen millions a year : . with ce gros béte Joun Butt is a mere bagatelle that does not count. He who sells me things cheap in so far does me good ; Though not doing so much as he might if he would. Because I can’t get all I want of the man, Fools would have me refuse to get all that I can! May and her Minstrels.—A Dialogue. Trade free upon both sides beats Trade free on one ; May to Punch. They sang the ‘‘ merry month of May,” But by half tf tis better, half’s better than ane. Punch to M my ve ory FS pee — And who but a simpleton e’er can suppose, ya Pa oy nd what did you do Up at That for spiting my face I would bite off my nose ? ay to Punch. P at once, And caught them by the throats ! . . Sees. ; Avpactovs ’ArryisM.—Ovr friend ’Arry objects to the title of | Wuar we want for the British Drama generally is not so much |a recently-published novel, Airy Fairy Lilian. He says that he native talent as imagi-native talent. can’t imagine a fairy all over ’air, though he might an ’obgoblin.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—May 10, 1879. DIZ-INTERRED. Hamtuet (taking the Skull in his hand). *‘ ALAS, POOR YORICK! I KNEW HIM, HORATIO. * BORNE ME ON HIS BACK A THOUSAND TIMES; * * * * AND NOW, HOW ABHORRED IN MY IMAGINATION IT Is! MY GORGE RISES AT IT! ! ”’—Hamlet, Act V., Scene 1. = = ca -_ = Ce oe, me OAR hae 0 ot re eee ———= * ay Wh iS NR \di ¥ 3 \ vs PDL YAY MG * © * HE HATH

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May 10, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 213 INJYABLE INJIA; OR, NOTES AND SKETCHES OF A SPECIALLY-COMMISSIONED ARTIST. By FUZZELI PRINCEPS. Cuapter VII. A difficulty—Hurried diary— Waterproof —Balloons—The Joggah— Polkar—Ezpense—Jimmivizlah Hi le— Londecnpe—Mart Yi fines = rose—Guddee - Guddee— Races—Sillih—Zenana— uestion, ForTUNATELY, I always travel with two waterproof pillow-cases which can be rolled up the size of a walnut-shell, or expanded into giant balloons. Filling these quickly, I climbed on to the window-sill, and just as Ruma, Sveeknar, and the Peelahs, led by Bosut KHAN, were breaking in the door of the back kitchen, I floated like the celebrated Mr. Home, the spiritualist, out of the window. On arriving at the torrent, I carefully pl beneath me one of the infla’ another time I shall carry inflated with me— balloon breeches, so to speak, Turkish fashion—but I'll have ’em made)—so as to protect me{from the rude obarp- pointed rocks, r) 0 in my the to of tho Aled amidst en- forced i ~ tion of even my pee. enemies. his was the best shot I ever made. SAK Reva we on, li pic- RESTING, AND BEING THANKFUL. ture of the Chris- " tian Martyr, I landed at a small e on the south side of the lake, far away from all turmoil. Here I purch a Joggah (a my, about 12 h. 2 in.), and went out for a ride to explore the (to me) new country, much cheered by the natives, specially the youngsters, who owas admire pluck. Wednesday.—Po.xak has turned up aqui, He és a regular - dar, and no jolly error. I can only get him in profile, as he py more ‘ side” than any other Injian swell of my acquaintance, fe has £254,321,000 a month, which is more than I spend in six w Friday.—Jolly hot, as it os is on a Friday in this co Came in sight of the Jimmivizlah Hills and the Grove Nah The Jimmivizlah Hills are not an A.R.A.ngement in eolours, a thapeony in blue, green, and yellow. (If I ever catch Rumur I’ll make his eye an arrangement in much the same harmon 4 They are one of those gorgeous bits of colouring that every artist has attempted, and no fellow can understand. Let me pause to deseribe the scene, and no extra charge for the style. Behold— The sunshine quickly streaks the sky with a Tangerine-orange- like glow, while the snow-tipped ks deepen with an —— lilacky hue, tender and soft as the blush of a cabdriver when offe sixpence under his legal fare, bringing out into strong relief such ‘hard lines” as are only known to the first-class player who has lost a close game of billiards by his adversary’s fluke. The back- forms a vista of aérial blue of a gentle honeydewed lim- ; while, lucid as m i own description of Nature’s up jumps, hot hot, from his Ovenly bed, the Sun, red one underdone side of an eightpenny chop on the bars of the silver gridi in a City grill-room. He is not to be trifled with, i -God! Here he is, not rising, but setting for his portrait who love him dearly. y.—Went to hear Gupprr Guppse, the native missionary. ve done it a jolly sight better myself. ent to the Races afterwards, and @ bet with Srtirm Brine, . Experientia doc : e SE. who really knows nothing at all about 8. et, and I doceted him hot. Left a card on the Zenana. She ig one of Sonappr Snve’s Queens. She came to the window. Coc laughing eye, dot a glance at her out of it. She di . Poor enane| how she'll miss this bold Britisher when n. ** Though I’m an Artist,” a Harun Skarum full of ’em, “though I’m an A t you all! How she cried, and la on a Fo hysterics! But I couldn’t stop. Too jolly cleyer that ! * The Zenana.—From Editor to F. Dear F. P.,—Didn’t mt ee was a t it ta sn re some confusion here ?—Yours Tux Bprrog. F. P. to the Editor.—No on anes {ollily. * Zenana" (vide Hooxut Warxar's Injian rH) uscious fruit; the Oyen of the Seraglio; and the Se t, then, where app you? P —Yours triumphily, F, P. THE NEW BALLAD OF LORD BATEMAN, Lamp BATEMAN w ble ot held Free . f pure iddlodcde ; So he up and he in the House of Peers, In favour of Sweet rocitee | maundered here, he meand ered there, Me Ral let Fea Lo QD hearers they wos wearee, a Bee ears he had held the opinion, aoc alt, gwar nd 80 ely, Won a vain dcleosion men wrong. We’ abandoned our old lady-love, Protestion, n favour of a minx wot ; We had touted of her cag ghey Wich those foreign coun Wed failed a eas Wea ARS esccore Ma ed So wy i oa won side. Then answered another noble Lord,— Wik, amng libeways it began vith a B,— And he " sa 3 wr Lord BaTeMAN in a scientific manner, Wich filled the Beholders with mirth and glee. Says he,—“‘ Reciprocity ’s a hollow phantom ugh I swore twos a su wonce, i know ; But you wont raise the dead with a dusty recital Of my musty phrases of forty years ago.” Then Free-Trade’s old lovyers cheered and chuckled, And the galliant Granvitx he smiled for to see The Bogey young Dizzy so cleverly vamped up, So coo y tan 00 Bisons ter the of Land B. But the f Lord Bateman, his sad face veiling rom his country’s sorrows and his party’s crimes, Went homevard, and endeavo to solace his By buying sorrow, a stuffed Dodo, and burning of the. Zmes. THE RUSSIAN ARMS, Ow the Shield—An Iron Crown. Su s—A couple of Drum- wielding Knotts proper. Majors otto—* Nothing like Russia leather.”

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| 214 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 10, 1879. wel Phitd hii | Country Doctor (after a pause), *‘ WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT, Srr?”’ | ‘uN wee a! titan " \ ~ v ; \ === aes RATIOCINATION Country Dector, *‘ Dip YoU TAKE THAT BoTTLE oF MEDICINE TO OLD Mrs, GAMBIDGE’s ? | «BECAUSE IT WAS VERY IMPORT——” Surgery Boy. ‘‘ On, YEsstr, AND I’M PRETTY SURE SHE TOOK IT, Sir!” Surgery Boy. *‘ Wet, I skE THE SHutTTERS up AT THE ‘'OUSE AS I PASSED THIS Mornin’, Srr!!” Tributes, and How to Acknowledge Them. In these hard times, when everybody who can do anything is getting up performances for something, suppose Mr. GLapstowg and Lord BEaconsFreLp, on the give-and-take prin- ciple, were to show their gratitude to their Tribute-payers, and their mas | for suffering, by getting up a performance of ’7wizt Are and Crown for some suffering body, or p country, or craft, or interest, or other? fi Suppose Mr. TURNERELLI were to set the idea going ! Tse Frippier’s Pecutiarrry.—The longer bow he draws, the truer his note! lace, or OUT OF RANGE, Lorp Bury has attained a rare and rapid proficiency in the great official arts of snubbing and sneering. The other night he snub Lord Truro for being curious about Range-finders, and General Wray for saying that only twenty-one sets had been served out to the Infantry. He began by sneering at General Waay as “ some- what of an enthusiast :””— “ He was formerly Chairman of the Committee on Range-finders, and, like many persons who took up a ecrotchet somewhat warmly, he was extremely enamoured of all the recommendations made by his Committee.” Now, ge | that this Committee had tested the effect of Range-finders, and found that their adoption meant accurate firing instead of random, the unofficial mind would be apt to conclude that General Wray’s eagerness to see Range-finders brought into use was rather to his credit than otherwise. But Lord Bury ingeniously makes it appear that the General is a trou- blesome and conceited person, who is only angry because ‘‘a great many details re- commended by the Committee had not com- mended themselves to the judgment of those responsible for the administration of the service, and had consequently been re- jected,” after the Committee’s central re- commendation for the adoption of Range- tinders had been carried out. So far is this from being the case, that General Wray, finding the , Hae adoption of the Range-finder at the War Office had not been followed by its adoption in the (Infantry, writes to the Zimes to say so. Lord Bury calls this, in the regular official style, “‘devoting a portion of his time and talents to writing letters to the newspapers against the War Office,” and then proceeds to expose General Wray’s recklessness of statement :— “General Wray maintained that only 21 sets of Range-finders had been ordered in all. Now, the fact was, that 179 sets had been ordered, and there would have been 279 ordered had not Cap- tain WATKIN desired 100 of them to be kept back in order that he might introduce into them some slight improvements which he had invented. tange-finders had been ordered in considerable numbers, and 179 had been either ordered or served out to the troops. General Wray had evidently omitted from his calculations the Artil- lery Range-finders, and considered only those served out to the Infantry.”’ It will hardly be believed, in the face of this crushing exposure of the wretched General, that General Wray’s statement was, precisely, Lord Bury’s admission, that only twenty-one sets of Infantry Range- finders had been served out— Infantry Range-finders being a distinct article from Artillery Range-finders! ‘Thus Lord Bury, in this masterpiece of official snubbing, contrives to charge General Wray with a gross mis-statement, while himself admit- ting the truth of what General Wray had stated! Could the art of official answering ofarther? Unfortunately, General Wray as devoted another ‘‘ portion of his time and talents” to a letter to the Times, not ‘‘against the War Office,” but explain- ing Lord Bury’s explanation. ‘ t is to be ho that Lord Bury will sit corrected—not merely in this i matter, but for the future. Besides In- fantry and sre Range-finders, there seems to be a third kind of range-finders much wanted—range-finders for official dealing with facts. A more RISKY GAME EVEN THAN Loo.—Zulu.

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_ Max 16, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 315 ‘ j i || | ia ay | iI} iw “uh \. . ee A Crause in the new Mutiny Act, - ot " identical with one in the old, awards t ah capital punishment to any soldier who PY SATE DARN m\ | “‘misbehaves or induces fc? : aor in manner in this Act not specifically mentioned. This, aoc- cording to Major Noxan, is 1 known in the Army as Pacer 4 Clause.”” Empowering Courts-Mar- tial to punish an obnoxious party for a, 5 . 4 the nonce by judge-made law, perhaps may appear extremely diabolical to eivilians ; yet, certainly, an inclination to administer justice in such sort is not entirely iar to the military mind. Per- aps it would be rather too often ex- .« | emplified in the sentences of ecclesi- * | astical tribunals if the presidents were Clergymen authorised to convict accused persons of heresy or miscon- duct for deeds and doctrines ‘“‘ not pentose mentioned” in any ocument, but decided in Court to be wrong or false dogmatically, off- hand. Of course it would not do to say that a condemnation of that kind was a judgment pronounced under a ‘* Devil’s Clause,” although, to be sure, the victim of it might well be pitied as a poor devil. Hit wae Teen PATERNAL PUNISHMENT. y So | peeere ee ocuverrrrd | = Ye “es “a, Royalty Set to Music. =| Tue Atheneum of April 26th -|among the contents of lackwood >|for May, enumerates “‘ The Life of the Prince Concert.” Who can the ‘Prince Concert” be? The only Prince we know answering the de- scription would seem to be H.R.H. HEDGING. the Duke of Eprvsurcnu—the only Rector, “A ? Views?” scion of Royalty, as far as we are ecor, AED WHAT ARS YOUR VIEWS! aware, who frequently figures in the Candidate for Curacy. ‘* Wet, Siz, I’m AN EVANGELICAL Hico CaURCHMAN, OF LIBERAL OPINIONS.” | orchestra. Though to say so may make hot philanthropy gush. hen as for our Treaty. Icarenotarush (At the Biennial Banquet of } Mi ae Conservative Registration hg ptenebs Aye | Tee te ddath to } a aremmens We have given up lots, some may fancy too much, Sir CHARLES, and the rest,—in your presence my attitude But let them look out who our Treaty would touch ! Is one of profound and unspeakable gratitude. If we stick to our text, ’tis our earnest and sure hope We ’ve been five years in office: foes wish our removal ; The Turk will yet turn out a blessing to Europe. But while we retain your support and a proval, Now then for home politics ! What would you do We stand in small fear of that fractional faction If the Libs should come in? They’re the raggedest crew. Whose only desire is to hamper our action. There are scarce two among them subscribe the same credo, We found England's honour a-tremble, like jelly, So they cannot pull sweetly together, as we do. Now ’tis firm as Mount Atlas,—just ask TURNERELLI. (Lord Dersy? Pooh pooh!—a good riddance, of course. We’ve shown “ proper pride,” as the servant-girls say, Eh! The Derby-Day’s nearf Yes, but he’s not the horse.) When they ’re sore at not having it all their own way. Lord HAaRtIneTon Pr ‘Squeezeable ! 3 Leaders who yield We know our right place—at the top—and have taken it, To their followers, fail in a well-stricken field. And snarling of Russians or Rads has not shaken it. No, GLADSTONE—yes, him !—will rally, and then You wise men of the South like our course in the East With his henchmen, those smart but most pestilent men, (That up North they ’re such noodles is funny, at least). Messrs. Fawcetr and CHAMBERLAIN, he’ll make it hot ; You’re awake to the Nation’s true honour and glory, And the country will go at express pace to pot. Intelligent, loyal—in short, truly Tory. We, we are the men, and your em is plain, — Foes say we ’re aggressive. Such malice one scorns ; Ne’er to let gushing Giapstowe befool you again. But we’re bound to hit out if men tread on our corns— But keep in (for a little while longer) Lord B., Or interests—and we ’ve so many of those, And after him, hand the reversion to me / That we cannot let strangers step too near our toes. coats That Bulgarian business! I will not revile Those Britons whom Turkish atrocities rile. From Egypt. a ’re the noblest of fellows,—the silent ones, namely ; Dacnzs. Secdeiiaa Eelaaeie call anata tule alen | We, Kuxntve of Earrr, by the advice of our Council of Ministers, Was simply the outcome of blackguardly faction. decree that— _ ‘ed h They pooh-poohed our advice to our client the Turk, Ant. I. No taxes of any sort shall be levied henceforward from And helped him our claims and his duties to shirk, Oe popetes of Rayyt, wheter native of er Till my delicate counsels he would not pay heed to, Art, Il. e Creditors of t tee pee b be paid in full. And,—but stay, where the deuce will this argument lead to? Ant. III. The Kueprve is charged with the execution of the I will not pursue it, but simply remark present Decree. IsmArt. Bulgarian’s bite may be worse than Turk’s bark, Cuerir, President of the Council of Ministers.

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“wu Pee ee nee mae ia a a hee Perie a s ee ee ee 2 Wok Re ae |e PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 10, 1879, THE ROYAL ACADEMY'S “HONORARY MEMBERS.” a if Tit, PS _— Tue recurrence of another Exhibition of the Royal Academy, with its varnishing day, and its Press day, and its private view, and its stately banquet, and its large Catalogue, and its small Catalogue (for which we can never be sufficiently grateful), and its small Cata- bound in cloth, with peneil, and its umbrellas, parasols, and (eruteh) sticks, with their neat numbers and perfect string adjust- ments, seems to be a fitting opportunity for satisfying a growing desire on the part of the Publio to be pees, with some account of the duties, privileges, and gossagatires of the ‘‘ Honorary Members.” These are five in number; namely, the Chaplain, Professor of Ancient History, Professor of Ancient Literature, Antiquary, and Secretary for Foreign Correspondence. We shall treat of each of them seriatim and seriously :— Chaplain. Besides saying the Grace at the Annual Dinner, the Chaplain’s resence is indispensable at all christenings and weddings in the Families of the Academicians. He is at times ready to form a class for reading the Fathers with any Members of the Academy who may desire to investigate the patristic literature of the first four centuries; and he is the acknowledged referee on questions of casuistry and controversial theology. Professor of Ancient History. It is his prerogative, in conjunction with the Professor of Ancient Literature, to be present when the Paintings and other works of Art are arranged by the Hanging Committee. The two Professors have to satisfy themselves that every picture or sculpture which purports to represent some ancient hi eal incident or character is correct both in its conception and details. If any mistakes are detected, they have absolute power to remedy them on the spot. The Professor of Ancient History is at home in his Moe ge every Monday morning, from half-past ten to twelve, through the Season, to suggest subjects to artists both in painting and sculpture ; and at all times he may be consulted either by letter or telegram. Professor of Ancient Literature. His duties are, in all respects, the same as those of his Brother Professor, but, in addition, he is willing to read the great Authors of Antiquity in the original tongues (including Sanchoniathon, Orosius, and Manetho) with any Members or Students of the Academy who may wish to profit by his assistance, twice a week, from seven to eight, a.m., during the months of November, January, and February. Antiquary. The Antiquary must be, at_least, any 4 years of age. Like his two colleagues, the Professors, he assists the Hanging Committee by serutinising all the details of armour, weapons, costume, furniture, eee ornaments, and kitchen utensils—Cinque-cento, Renaissance, Jacobean, &c. His private collection is at the service of any intend- ing exhibitor, one evening in each week, between Michaelmas and y Day. On these occasions, the Antiquary, who always a in a fancy-dress, after tea and coffee have been handed round, and ci tes distributed, gives oral explanation of the more remark- able objects in his museum. Secretary for Foreign Correspondence. He prepares all the letters, invitations, diplomas, and compli- mentary addresses, which the Academy despatches to Foreign Sovereigns and Ambassadors, and to the Honorary Foreign Acade- micians. He devotes one morning a week to this duty; and has a small table set apart for his use (with di aries, &e.) in the ure-room. Privately he renders inestimable service to the Academicians and Associates by assisting theth in their i. ence with foreign parent, critics, and ¢onnoi the pels of the scholastic establishments at which theit ow and may be receiving their education, and with the pro- ri of furnished-houses ahd lodgin en the t arrives ‘or visiting the various ble sea-side resorts with which the Continent of Euro abounds. The Honorary Members feteive no , and there no great perquisites attached to their offices, for the beautiful old custom of perenatiog them with early dew gath on May morning by the junior Associates and the Secretary has been for sotie time in abeyance. They are invited to the Annual Dinner and Evening tions; tickets of admission to the Exhibition, as also to the Lectures and Winter Exhibition of Old M with copies of the Catalogues (the 1s. 6d. edition), ly Fy to them -~ hands of the Academy Beadles ; and they have the privilege which they pom A esr recognised) of entering leries with a stick or umbrella in their hands,—a privilege which is not extended to their wives and families. OUT OF COMPLIMENT TO THE ORGANIST. In the last Number but one of the Saturday Musical Review oceurs this paragraph :— “The Duke and Duchess of Eptnsureu paid a very high compliment to Mr. E. J. Hopxrns; for, after hearing a performance on the fine organ at the Temple Church on Saturday ”—— Well, what do you think was the compliment to Mr. Hopkins? That their Royal Highnesses expressed themselves, &c., &c., or gave him something for himself, or stood a drink, or encored the per- formance? No; this was it “ They attended divine service on Sunday.”’ And, we suppose, worshipped Horxins. What was the hymn? Was it this, to the old tune— “ Pretty, pretty, pretty Player Horxrns, How do you do-oo ? How do you do-0o ?”’ Fancy attending divine service “‘ out of compliment” to Porxrns or Hopxtns, or any “‘ kins” whatever! Sermon, for the oceasion, by the Right Rev. Dr. Snoss. Strong Imagination. Writrye on Mr. Henny Invrye, the Theatre, says— “In the words of a scholarly critic, Mr. Irvine is the most imaginative actor of our time.’’ We quite agree with the scholarly critic. That Mr. Irvine must be the ‘‘ most imaginative actor,’”’ has been sufficiently proved by his “imagining” he could play Macbeth and Claude Meinotte, and it will be set beyond all doubt if he only appears as Romeo, By the way, who is the ‘‘ scholarly critic” abovementioned? He must be rather a satirical rogue. Infants for Confirmation. Two of the hundred-ton guns bought by the Government are announced to have arrived at Woolwich. ey are to throw pro- jectiles of 2,000 lbs. each, propelled by a paren quantity of powder, and expected to pierce at least three feet of iron target, on which they are now awaiting trial. Let us hope they will stand it; for, otherwise, after all they have cost, they will prove mere two- penny busters. Carryinc Coats To Newcasttr.—The Government throwing cold water upon Rivers (Wrzson). 4 To Conansrowpants — The Bditor does not hold himself bound to ac knowledge, return, stamped and directed envelope or Sor Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by 6 ies should be kept.

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the snowiest, blowiest day— And I’m to be’ Queen of the May Mother, I’m to be Queen o the May

Spirited Foreign Policy. Query — Could Mr. Gtiap- stone's Government, or any} Com Government that ever was, put up with a more contemp and complete eG ~b from the KHEDIVE than Lerd Beracons-| heard FIELD'S mee an! diable , onléne if cette | look Ly to ra" | The themselves thus quietly and wasting? é be ty overboard ?

THE TOUR OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY, Szcowp Visit. Visitors personally cnnteaeion by og Oe Guide, Counsellor, and No. 64. Portrait of an English Gentleman, who is goin to the Times to com: " re about the confounded Fast one vy holding a rouge of the letter. Expression admirable. JULESS, A. No. 102. Esther, Epwry Lowe, A. One hundred and two. O Esther, for you Who ’d not be a Jew? Ajew, Esther —-_ au revoir ! No. 124. <Adver: James Sant, R.A. Porgy A Pooh ! a bit of it! Only = up for the part, einen laughing eye sort of f Beggar Mae ‘thes a King might do worse than fi “it in love with. en Slyboots, who knows that pity is akin to love, o. 152. {seme ond Dey t. J.8. Nontz, Hounds in kennel, and Huntsman ou “Oh, ” said a Lady, cmading by me, “look at this picture of PorntTErs! ” Feibeyt Ie npiained, to her, her very natural tistake. a’am,’’— which is better than the old-fashioned “int Ma’am! "— —"* not pointers.” Gatrery III, No. 173. Interviewing the Member, Enxsxrxe mate A. The Artist may give it this "ttle, but it is really an unrepo uted Sees in the life of the Emperor Louis Napo.gon, who is here re in our national hunting-dress—pink and tops—tryin Irish peasants to him as their countryman. fhe are » thesia ing their ears to hear how he pronounces ‘‘ Arrah | ” ** Bedad |” They evidently don’t believe him. No. 188. Sir F, Lerenrox, P.R.A. Do not refer to the Catalogue to see What P.R.A. Meant to convey, but examine the pieture. Here is an angelic creature, or a genie, of wings against a rainbow, an French grtenets pictnre has rubbed her taken off me of the colour, pov Wp my her finger as the stopper to a green po Ww regards an athlete writhing in agonies at her side, with pi ie somewhat passied ression, as though she ae saying. & “He has half the bottle ; it didn’t agree ey ill the rest kee tl tomorow iT oxck ib wo P” ow refer e, and pre or leasan No. 214. The een W. E. Gladstone, MP. Joux | be Everett MiLLals, A. Bra J. E. M. ? But where was your a for this first-rate ‘portrait ?” ?’ It should have been “ Resigna- [ope Rest pein gently slopes the wa: a tte eeapecl beicotanas to the’ last, "ll be fa bower on power ere next three years are past. GrossMITH’s ed Greenwich.

2S eben | Mar 17, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 217 No. ing Sunbeams. Vicat Coun, A. Charmin THE MAY QUEEN SITS CORRECTED. PE gn Finn a pe ry (With the Clerk of the Weather’ s Compliments to the Poet Laureate.) others of a kindred nature, such Cole é. i -» Ripening yy iene | ‘strawberri paces 9 Teeth, » &e. — HEY must wrap and cloak me yh os hey BR warmly, cloak me warmly, Owes Oe Gente Sayticg of i Enivesde Jas. Sant, R.A. Mother dear, Looks more vidently GENDRE is saying F y? tery hid teat day to his pate Ag ant a yeine den teherknow ?” &e. Of all the sad new year, Mother, name, Si Twill. Oul'it Chie, ee, ee Better be off with the old Chloé, before you are on with the new.””— Sent - albed Of course this is the New Chloé. No. 810. An areas Portraits of Mrs. WituAm ARBUTHNOT and AMES HER. The work of an Archer who can draw lesen wall an teem, But his title should have been Not in these Boots. Look at the omnes object in the picture, the leather boots. been ath pas wear is rm why on earth 0, pln ~—- on mates to get “when it isn’t Gentex, you = know, , he reading aloud Puss in Boots, which they ’ve all RS Oa Fhe Lew Laurel Walk, H.T. Weis, R.A. Now, Mr.Wexts, mast die’ ; Mp ieery" Witt F. Yeames, R.A. te sine of life-buoys by the sea—with a on mick fore bess top of a w: g-stick-stand, on beet, balled Harbour Dues, or Sea- of aG Dewey Bares. ace Bi Po Whee hing nani ? Deo fairy Godmother Oey ve. The name of the ‘‘ Gentleman tA the Catalogue. Observe the pipe in . H.M. Pacer. “ He would dine out at some City A rapes !” sighed his ent wife » oe she sat wy Sf , a. . pata aa Ans a Poor ellow ut it serves him right. It’s a lesson Ben fot, bes No, 402, dy nF ny of Axruur Bass, M.P. Jas. fagt, R. " rosy-cheek: ed little Min et hat * Bass’s i I’m afraid, those four apples will much for What ho! Apothecary!” 0, 408. The Return of the Viotore. Sir Joun Gripert, R.A, The Return of Thee, Victor, Sir Jomn! Here we are again! Happy and glorious, Merry, uproarious ! This is what ‘* The Wearing of the Green” was in the olden time. Here’s a motto :— “Sir Joun. Fear no colours!” Henry IV., Act v., ec. 5. No, 404. Companions. ¥.8. Watxen. With verdure clad, or Greens to the Green, superfluous. * And wheresoe’er we go, like June’s twin peas, Bo we are coloured and insufferable.” As You Don't Like It, Act i., ac. 2. No. 409. The Roum-i-Sultana, Va C. Prinser, A. A very Sultana—as she’s a delicate-skinned FE n. She is in a Rea Bi Room—the Red Reum-i-Sultana—while kneeling before her with a feather fan. Ewidently * jolly hot,” and thermometer up to 1 180°, Says the Roum-i-Sultana, “ In this here weather, you knock me down with a feather.’ girl you see them together No. 422, Study of H.H. Sujjan Sing, Maharana of Oodeypore. Vat. C. PRINser, A. A Brown Study, of course Capital picture of Sussana Stno. But I don’t think much of his study, which is evidently most faithfully a ae There ’s only a carpet on the another on the floor, and a chair—no writing- table, and no books! I don’t call this” “a study.” While rapt LY his brown study, he is sawing off one of his fingers with his scab No. 451. Rev. R. R. C Chope M.A., Vicar of St. y dee Queen’s Gate. PE. Portrait of a Clergyman dr for some Fancy Ecel: He wears a Gothic surplice, a highly ornamented tole a Master of Arts peed hood, and the of an Archimandrite. Quite first Chope “ What Artist shall paint me In vestments ?’’ cried Cuore. * No better investment Than getting A. Corr.”

Mrxep Occupations.—Those of the Members of the Legion of Honour.

VOI. LXXvVI.

—S es

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my (Ca amity 218 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (May 17, 1879, PUNCH’S ESSENCE.OF PARLIAMENT. \ Ne \ ASE Sf / i \ PD al: LY He (. y ll ' (Lords, Monday, May 5.) OULEUR DE Rose picture by Lord Saxissury of the Treaty of Berlin moving to execution; a showy, if ‘not solid, work of High Art, fitting this Season of Exhibitions—the general impression being that the progress of poor B. T., to execution, like most such progresses, is at a rather funereal than lively. Lord Satissury’s picture—if one could quite trust it—must be admitted to be a cheerfal one. But the more common view, we fear, comes nearer the mark. another celebrated subject of the hangman’s high art, who, as the poet sings— “ Oft fitted the halter, oft traversed the cart, And often took leave, and was loth to depart,” vegetal the Berlin Treaty seems—not to put too fine a point on it—in no hurry. et Inter alia, Lord Satispury tells us ‘“‘a Commissioner has been sent to Asia Minor to ascertain the reasons for local reforms there—which, however, cannot be carried out till the Turkish finances are upon a better footing ” !

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Mar 17, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “THE GINTLEMAN THAT PAYS THE RINT.” Tourist (who is staying in the Neighbourhood for the Fishing). ‘‘ 18 IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU KEEP THE Pic 1n THE Hovsk witH you?” Pat, ** AND WHY NOT, SuRR ! SuRE, ISN’T THERE IVERYTHING IN IT THAT THE CR’ATHUR WOULD WANT! ?” ‘*The Greek Kalends” used to be the classical synonym of “ to- morrow-come-never.” ‘‘ The Turkish pay-day” ought to be the modern equivalent. Lo w called attention to * anne: en’s petition for ~ ade in London THURLO the “‘o of Public Museums and on santas ahapkcett” in a Resolution = “‘ Seeing the excellent results that have followed upon the opening of such —— on Sunday afternoons in Dublin, Birmingham, Manchester, ton Court, Kew, &c., this House is of opinion that it is highly desirable that the prayer of this petition should be Ry wy even if only in and as a tentative measure, in order to provide the working- classes of London with an alternative to the public-house on the many in- clement Sunday afternoons when places of out-of-doors recreation, such as the publie parks, are of no avail for the purposes of health and recreation.” P}Lord THuRLow summed up with pith and point the case for public galleries against public-houses, as places of Sunday resort and recreation. Punch has long held a general retainer on the same ee at and is quite satisfied with the argument of his noble junior on ms Powerscourt bore witness for the change, on behalf of = Ly the National Gallery has been open on Sunday after- years, whens a single complaint. “The Earl of ABERDEEN said that licans were in favour of the looked on the s Day—and Seed Calton sal bow ead whoo lnag would zt y - 7, an rp tel - onger open on the sixth day of the week i of opening them on the seven’ w said that Sunday, in his view, was a feast, not a fast. The real alternative for poor man in weather, whatever ne might think, was Public Gallery v. Public-House. said the c ge wanted more considera- surface. We have fifty-two half-holidays divine of institutions is that which You ~ ’t keep up that with- This step has always been in the other House. A majority of the Members for great towns pews opposed it. The working-classes it with suspicion. is no evidence that the great ao & the people want it, Under these circumstances, he must The Duke of Somerset could not a on what principle the doors of the British Museum and the National Gallery could be kept shut, when those of Kew and Ham Court were set open. Lord Dery followed on same side, and threw the weight of his cool common-sense into the scale of the Resolution. ‘‘ If public- houses yen to be open on Sunday afternoons, they should not have a monopoly. The A Archbishop of CanTreRBURY summed up, clerically, re. If their Lordships gauged the opinion of the working classes, th would find that. they’ shared alarm that the change w deprive them of their day of rest. Division, the Resolution was lost by 67 to 59—no more— with all that weight of Pe na and BEAcons¥iIzLD the Len wa y! In other words, the Rees, tae wy SO moment, carrying—as a blazed; tree for ones down—in the. near car tpeene. Punch rejoices, and, en attendant, leaves the nf to exchange sueanalidions with Brother Bune. (See his (Commons.)—Sir Witrntp Lawson, in compliance with the sensible _of Lord Hartreton his Motion , and the Moray, the to prison for not contributing to his resisted | children’s support in the Workhouse, was not « proper 0

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mablie sympathy. He was in communication with the Chester ae em, whose sentence on the man had, he thought, been too

| severe. | | Government ways of means mischievous means. ptt an Fag had erred | to in favour of the of the B vy wat expenses were

| had been much iegoores

Before going into Ways and Means, os Mr. Giapstows rose to give his reasons for thinking that the the wind were bad wars Aue, Sheir re wrovided for, partly out of new taxes, partly out of balances, or rong This year, except £2000 for cigars, not @ penny was to be raised by new taxation. All was to be met by payments, and incurring new liabilities. The CHANCELLOR XCHEQUER defended himself, and contended that so far contradicting, he had actually — the financial principle of 1860, On this int Chancellor -Chancellor pelted each other with , ag after the weary ouse had cried, ‘‘ Hold, 1” Sir W. Harcourt said the Opposition’s principle was briefly, “* Meet your liabilities ;” the Government’s, “ Shirk them.” Mr. Lowe did a little dissection of the Budgets with his own sharp scalpel. There were two ite principles—tax or borrow. “Tax” was the sound and un principle—that of himself and his friends. ‘ Borrow” was unsound popular principle— that of the Cabinet, of legal Members, the Criminal Code was Before a small brought on for ° Sir Henry James the small attendance; praised the Code as a whole, but contended that on many points it would still want careful attention in transitu. After a general consensus from the Lawyers present that the Code careful judicial overhauling, but that many points in it would be better for Counsel’s opinion, and a rather alarming promise of a general concentration of their lights upon it in Commi the Bill was read a Second Time, On this,—the first towards greatest advance in our time, which the country owes y to our last-appointed and anything but “puny” J I Judicial wisdom—congratulates SrepHEN, embodiment of codifica- = clearness. uesday fords.) Soe CapoGcan assures Lord GranvILie that Sir Barrie Frere is effectually tied up, as far as H.M. Government can np oi, not to make more war or mischief in Zululand than he can help. But still Lord Granvrizre did not seem happy; so, ‘‘ Deus ex machina,” Lord BEAconsFIELD descended to say that Sir Bartiz _SUBCE, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ge— Punch, as Solomon—embodiment of | H [May 17, 1879,

is fully informed of the leading principles on which the Cabinet would wish peace to be established between His Majesty King Ketcuwayo and Her Majesty Queen VicTroriA.

(The nuisance is that Sir Barrie, as g second with a taste for leading, is apt to pooh-pooh the leading of his principals.) Some of Lordships actually had the audacity to try_and upset a decision of Lord eget Sy said if any noble Lord ventured on that sort of thing, he should throw up the Chairmanshi of Committees then and there. The House shuddered, s) an succumbed, araidst a chorus of repentant submission, led by Lord BEACONSFIELD. Jove in his chair, Of the sky Lord Mayor, Asa mighty big-wig may show ; Buta ter than Jove Is Lord RepesDaLe, the cove Who rules Lords’ Committees below ! What has come to the Lords—or what are the Lords coming to? Last night, all but opening the Public are and Museums on Sundays, and to-night all but letting men to their wives’ sisters, and getting the Prince of Watesand the Duke of Epirsurcx to fly in the fage of the Bishops, and petitions in favour of unhallowed change, on the Bucks and Norfolk fa: of all people! Bucks might be supposed to hanker after matri lieence—but solid N d gs! Anyway, Hoventon was to move the Second Reading of his Bill to legalise marriages with deceased wives’ sisters, and to give his reasons for it; and though the Bishop of Lorpoy—and fourteen Bishops at his badk— , they could only muster 101 to 81—a miserable maj of 20! What is that against the chance of consolidating two ers-in-law into one! (Commons.)—After letting a Steam Tramway Bill through Second my the ~_ actually a a stroke ae altace « Loe asking questions, and not getting them an seve sections of the Valuation Bill through Committee. But in the Lower ouse, too, the Demon of Destruction is loose. Think of the Com- mons, by 106 to 65, ting Mr. Herscuett’s Resolution for doing away with Actions for Breach of Promise ! Oh, ye gods of love and little fishes of law! Oh, ye injured females ! Oh, ye attorneys, big with bills of costs and righteous indignation ! Can such athing be? But have not Indictments at Common Law gone; and why should Actions for Breach remain? And, after all, it is only “‘an Abstract Resolution.” There ’s many a spill ’twixt Resolution and Bill. On the

MRS. GINGHAM EXPOSTULATES. “T believe—at least it is the popular belief—that there is only one article a cabman never returns, and that isan umbrella; and I think that is quite fair.”"—The Prince of Wales at the Meeting at Willis’s Rooms, in aid of the Cabdrivers’ Benevolent Association.

¥ there is a loyal y, Mr. Punch, which that is me, As you i never a- tude remarks on words as a-fal- ling from our Prince, It ain’t no use dis- it—it reglar me wince, Which what the dear had got to do a-wast- ing ryal time, Along o’ sech a hojus lot, ekal to any crime I can’t ve, but do believe he must ha’ bin misled By them as should know better, or was off his ryal ed, Jest fancy Cabbies— drat ‘em! — bein’ 7 feasted, and the rest, ——_— oe With Usutivals, and Lode, and Tenis os Sens t—deery 1 , aD i) If Z’d a’ bin among ’em, wouldn't J have let ’em see! <9 I'd a’ hup’d with ’a said, “‘ M A cabby fp 0 bragian tha to end roles th “em Take a lone woman’s m *re wile Which the proper Ao. ey | wi me and irs. Puspomne.

** Honest and ng? Bless yer Ryal 'Ighness’ heart, Old Nick hi ’s a saint to ’em. ou (ast on Gall might waned Own Benevolent, as aint a The Burglar’ Than ~~ ty drink and overcharge, 8 ett and cheat and ouss.” scamps as dri That ’s jest ow J’d a put it, and the Prince, which ’e aint no dunce, Would soon a seed as I was right, and chucked it up at once: sweetest dear and best Bless ’im, he is But I do not like his notions ’bout the of um Which if is a willany I ’d drop on ’ot and strong, it’s wrong, That ’s it,—a watin’ game, as common as You e-paliting on it—and in Cabbies /—Axpunt E. Could I deem you was but joking, what a relief ’ be! Your hutterance in the Ouse o’ Lords concerning o’ that Bill About Diseased Wives’ Si I must own, give me a chill. gee or fh owen pene ives and ’brellas where they likes, y what a hawful world ’twill be! It’s wus than wars and strikes. them ’orrid Cabbies ! ’ with my tabbies ; all quite fair !— I declare! Do think of it, my dear, dear Prince, and To lose my "brella ’d break my ’art, like And to let a Cabman bone it, and be told ’twas No; I can’t believe you meant it: it’s too

An Error. Tae Kieprve excellent F but his English is not so ca east eat the Rivers » that prec He sae Re never acoptod the Riven: Wien, ple His Magick Friend. Kuzprve, you accept the Rivers-Wilson ive. Bare, I shall go in for de Reverse Vilson policy. a wexplique. x Dows,—Lord would like to x she eee Um

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May 17, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 221 whole, though he firmly believes, with Colonel Maxrys, that the! rsons who would chiefly suffer by the change in the law would eloquent junior counsel, speculative ae, . G = newspaper | | proprietors—and the Colonel ought to have knowing and | | disagreeable f Punch is inclined to back these against the | law-reforming of the H and declines to over the abolition of Actions for B till he sees ed. Threatened laws, like threatened men | live long; the Toon for Breach has a tremendous array of | bad reasons at its , if it have some very good ones warring | against it. Wedne Another day of wonder. A Bill read a Second Time, without a with the formal consent of the Government, legal of Volunteer in Helo. Perhaps a Gen may ry. for om © Budget, Ba in it was a comfort to see ove n| th Home-Bule Lan Lambe, — ~OCLERY,. pn 4 0’ OSmave , and Major Notan, and | ary ENRY, “ik Fed monious "for once with PL uNKET, and Macarrwey, Black- Protestant Bruzn. and Attorney-General Grnson |! What with to- t’s Bill and Mr. Saaw-Lzergyrr’s for gi ving| . more power to the Bright-Clauses of the Land Act, last week, Pu is co} to ask himself, are we coming back to the days ‘‘ when MaLacnt wore his collar of gold,” or is the Millennium o its way OF to us, in Milesian garb ? Anyway, an Irish night oe hase | ine a Second g instead of a row is such & comfort, that over the recurrence of two such ee ina tos night wuts tly to pare thanks for them in properly devotional and grateful Thursday (Lords) a7 SHarressury Moved Second Reading | of the Habitual Drunkards Bill, authorising dipsomaniacs to con- sent to own ponent in dipso-lunatic asylums, with due | law previews aprinst foul play Anything that can bp davies’ for the restraint and cure of these of all »—now treated among us as agty—is worth trying, and there is ¢ in | Ie ; yond db Atey | teeehment, ae inspected and he. od Bill a a ‘Logs | y watched. But will so purely permissive a YLANDS, intelligence ouse, even with Mr. Herscuera, “up,” Government did not see meyer & they should be in any hurry to private lunatic asylums they are o (Commons.)\—The most noteworthy among the rush of questions | 8 was Dr, Kewraty’s as to the authori | sympathy from Her Masesry to Lady Barrie Frere. Sir M. H. Brac did not see why Her Masesry should not express her y with any ¢. her rob ge ogy md does Mr. Punch, Mr. too, elicited interesting - for an alleged message of six vacant seats this We fant ourselves Shas immediate Dissdntion, then ? Hartineton and Mr. Fawcerr mean to step between Mr. Drtiwrw and any Liberal ce of his Motion S aplying that the QuEEN has unconstitutional independence of the Howe d in I House did a PF. in teinsnn os taunt wt eigekes of ety |e three dege in the Commons—to fy a week of wonders wh ak .—Has the Christian Briton been doing the Heathen CARNARVON says he Lord Hammowp with him (and he t to os ; held all the keys of the > sBURY doesn’t, 80 i years) ; R. d . ao 4 the skein of compat terests in dispute between two cw OHN = and Jouw CHINAMAN nan S Se et as thelr. difioultios over the Chefoo Convention ; —- aay & e best man win! (Commons.)—A night to the British Landlord, and oe v4 with a white stone. The Beginning of the End of Distress. abolition of that ancient feudal Landlord power—of making _a clean sweep of gon a defaulting tenant’s holding to the exclusion of all other claims—moved at Beg BLENNERHASSET and lay: by Scottish i. oa vesistod by Norfolk pamevenve ne as on ee compara = which vill “ase a felt as sure cs eure of its one from gage as ey Law! ASTROLOGY v. METEOROLOGY. NDER your lave, Mr. Punch, Honner’d Sur, I s to pur-| yr — them there looms | appares vrom daay to daay in the Times pyaaper, speciment o’ one on ’um afoor me now, in witch there be no/ less nor ‘leven proffysize fur | differ’nt dixtrix in England, | Ireland, Scotland, and Waailes. | Very offun fairs foortold far | one, foul fur another, waarm | here, cold there, in zum parts snow, in others raain, starm, and snow, or! an-lightnun, as "the | coat nk Yo and wind in zo many quarters oppersite waays. Now, Mr. Punch, you must know I reglarly takes in Zad- kiel’s Almanac, and have a took ’un in, man and buoy, a matter o’ varty year. ZADKIEL, he gies the same sart o’ proffysize as pe yoorcasts, what’a calls “* Weather Predictions,” in a teeable ie sie munth to yer, Pies arter p= ge yt but ere bain’ iffer’nce ‘or narth nor sou or west, in th ih They te alll alike in the same month for a ove U gto, and simmun! at’s the sense, then, o’ foorcastun all over the world. ier weather in pur- tickler pleaces, eee or yea op and what do the o’ the Times Weather Office by Syn erk ZADKIEL’s veass ? Meteorology ? Yaa Yaa! I be, honnerd Sur, yure tmble Sarvant to like that there in the Stars ? Tacos P.S.—I belaves in Zapxret, ad, yi EF DB s that to the Vices o’ ean news must be to razon, OMEORFEN. Rig d I got a| coun SUNDAY IN LONDON, Scenzt—London. Time—Sunda fA > CHARLES (his Intelli; Intelligent Foreigner and perambulating the streets. . My faith, but yours is a wonderful be al so deserted ? Where are your nd), Of course not. It is Sunday. they rool at a, oe eoble British I see, ts nat ral hs its ener ). meters ote Massum j is pe “A Sundays. wager, Teen ay are in your fine National Gallery, a. oe Chae Prion Wall Well, no. The National Gallery is closed on mice See Gop ate 28 your syaciens South Ken- Intelligent For Cherie an Wie a ths 80 South Kensington Museum is ete lip F er. Then of course they are at home ? Charles (his friend). Well no, the “the truth is, J prolétariat have at mee aa Intell . Hal Hold! How stupid Iam! You . Shey ee 6 eee lend). Well, no. They ‘t go much to church. ous, and pil the chameben Will he clooed oy tl ways are on Sundays. J Then where are they ? What is Oh, the public-houses. Yen will Soa Plenty Trend) Oh iter the hours hours allowed by the Act Foe naes he sabeirtitie, iets a ben (his friend of them open on you A Right-Down Clever Horse. (With Mr. Punch’ s Compliments to Mr. LorMard} However much you lose —— him, Y cunts bo in Ge bee Their tin ie ieient dun, "Tis only on

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_ 222 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 17, 1879. THANKS WHERE THANKS ARE DUE. (Mrs. Ponsonby Tomkyns at Home.) Mr. Ponsonby Tomkyns. ‘‘ How Kind OF MADEMOISELLE SERRURIER TO COME TO Us, M¥ LOVE, AND SING TO US IN THIS FRIENDLY WAY, WITHOUT BEING PAID FOR 1T, I MEAN! I’LL GO AND THANK HER.” Mrs. Ponsonby Tomkyns. ‘‘Goop Heavens, you Goosk, DON’T THANK HER! TELL HER SHE HAS MADE A Goop IMPRESSION, AND THAT WE HOPE TO HAVE HER AGAIN 800N——-AB, YOUR GRACE, GOING AWAY ALREADY ?”’ The Duchess. ‘‘ Ys. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR A PLEASANT AFTERNOON !”’ Mrs. Ponsonby Tomkyns. “‘THanx you, Ducness! How xiyp or your Grace To comME TO vs!! MADEMOISELLE HAS A NICE VOICE, HAS SHE NoT?” The Duchess. *‘ Cuarnmine! I onty wisn I COULD AFFORD TO ENGAGE HER FoR TvEsDAY! know. By THe Bre, I SHALL BE HAPPY TO SEND YOU A CARD, IF YOU CARE TO COME,” Il’VE ONLY GOT AMATEURS, YOU Mrs, Ponsonby Tomkyns. ‘‘Oun, THANK YOU, DucuEss! WE SHALL ONLY BE 700 DELIGHTED, &c., &0,, kc.” Mademoiselle Serrurier and her Mother, who think Mrs. Ponsonby Tomkyns a tremendous Swell, are waiting for her Grace’s departure to say, ** Nous VOUS REMERCIONS INFINIMENT, MADAME DE TOMKYNS, DE VOTRE SI AIMABLE ET SYMPATHIQUE ACCUEIL!” To which Mrs. Ponsonby Tomkyns will reply, ‘‘OH—kER—NE LE MENTIONNEZ PAS. savvy! Er—Bone soor!” JE SUIS SI CHARMEE DE VOUS £TRE UTILE, VOUS (Clever Mrs. P. T. 11!) PRINCIPLES AND PREPOSITIONS. “‘ Tue dreariest duty of humanity” is, according to— The Earl of Beaconsfield (when called upon to do so)—To ex-plain. | ~; Gladstone (when there’s a chance of getting in a word)—To re-frain. The Czar (with the Holy Empire on his shoulders)—To sus-tain. Sir Wilfrid Lawson (in front of a glass of water)—To ab-stain. . ” = dive (offered accommodation at seventy-five per cent.)— 0 G18-daln., Str Garnet Wolsey (after siz months in C: The Chairman of Committees (after the lioned his authority)—To re-gain. Sir Robert Peel (when he Tas lost his temper and has to keep his ar —_ tyre Mi (los: - And Her Majesty's Ministers ing their grip on Office before approaching Dissolution)—To re-tain. * —To re-main. have once ques- THE SAME THING. “Tue Treaty of Berlin not being executed? Fiddlesticks! Don’t we see it ‘hung up’ in all directions ? ” | More Light! (To the Metropolitan District Boards.) A propos of the exhibition of the Electric Light at the Albert Hall—how about the painting up of the names of don streets on London street-lamps* Must we wait for an electric shock to set that great small improvement going ? As an inducement, Punch hereby promises to associate with the improvement the name of the District Board that inaugurates it, as | the names of the inventors of electric lighting a tus—J AaB- LocHKorFF, and Raprerr, and Louriy, and WILDE, Sremens, and | WERDERMANN—have been coupled with their luctferous inventions. The Other Way of Looking at It. PaTBRFAMILIAS (log.).—We’ve been passing through a period of | depression. Bread has cheap; coals comparatively cheap ; sasel, neapuniates a life, except meat, and even most re cheap. | In the meanw a we've pemeed, Geena ® aeeme | Now, they say, there seems to be a turn of the tide, business | reviving, and some signs of a inning of better times. Um! I suppose that will mean a plaguy rise in the price of ev: !

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11” DON’T KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD li ~ GALLERIES MUSEUMS tex —oe a tA 71 ‘SUNDAY OPENIN \|| ConTENT. ‘FRIENDS IN DEED Mr. Bune, ““ WE’VE HAD A NARROW SQUEAK THIS TIME, MY LORD! PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 17, 1879. HA’ DONE WITHOUT YOUR GRACE AND THEM THREE BISHOPS!”

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May 17, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 225 hardly say, real jam, Jam-Jam. After deductions, as INJYABLE INJIA; oe a left a em rr aed * ro , ivide between anager and myself; so tha OR, NOTES AND SKETCHES OF A SPECIALLY-COMMISSIONED ARTIST, Sida’s vonton & UN Tilton of it, be hevine. wadartelen 00 Br FUZZELI PRINCEPS. pay all exs., including special Neuteh-git ballet, new ———_ scenery, dresses, and a few Stars of India for the first , iece. Curren VIII. , I left early, before the entertainment was over, bein Lalla Rookh—Chicken Hazard—A Ti Wie Unegualled— Austionser? Joke— The | rather pressed for time, &c., in fact, having business o Muggars— Croplin— Hat—Subscription—Tiger— Ratil—Maranatha—Bar- | im in quite another district, more than three gain—Off—Anecdote— Consultation — Judicial Appointment — Congratula- | h es from this, tions—Brilliant Design—More next week. hear there were difficulties after my departure, and that the Manager of, the was caught in an onpAYy.— Visited the to escape back with his share of lace where lash ¥ , and Pent having paid his company. Such = lived. It life in Injyable jia! ted ve sa - oe cowardly rascal attem pen an indian a, to : +, This was bose of hi ey that at the full tiles’s or Seven m, knowing fu ; very moment he brought his cruel 24 inhabited by -e against me, I was miles eway from the spot, and k minstrels, not to return. ‘all keep the place alive| What of him I have not inquired. ze night and day with] On by rail to-morrow. . their choruses, for Two Days.—Pumped out with work. Railed hence its name, and back . ’t like the railing here. Fal - de - ral - lal = ta Not my line at all. If it were, wouldn’t I make a Rookhery. pottar mhunni (that is, a considerable sum in rupees) usty, dirty, hot as be blowed. D the third Station I was awoke out of a short nap Evening. — Pla Alen Loan sa y t. Ratiam. These wha gruff voice asking f ticket. Indians” know Span wees wok he, oe T hed game as well as ulled myself myself. Made nothing ogether, I by it. Drawn game, found that the each one having voice was own dice. We ex- changed, but it made Portrait of RaTLAM, WiTH THE Dice-Box. no difference. Shall not ‘ play Ratiam again, Sir Oreuustvs Satan June is the best-dressed man here. I always said so. The next best is his great rival, who rejoices in the name of the ah Ritoo- Ratioo - RaLioo - Ratirppi- Fanioo - Rater-Tumroo-Ratratioo-Rat- a roar. The It was a tiger taking the tickets! He had taken the -Doo. other passen- Last Sunday, when we all three went to hear @uddee-guddee, each one of gene’ tickets— us endimanchés,—My! It was a caution !—all the people, as we walked along poor devils! the street, pase se f and, luckily, Gollee, ain’t um spisee-spisee |” Sir Satar had on a blue necktie, but the Rajah Rrroo-Ratxoo, &c., sported a flaming amber satin scarf, with a Star of India pin. The whole lot he bought cheap in the Lofar Arcade, a celebrated lounge for flaneure in these parts. I came wae him on Saturday night, buying them a bargain, and tapped him on the shoulder. He blushed a deep crimson; and when an Injian does bh he frightens a thin-skinned, lily-coloured European. It’s for all the wor as though he were going into a volcanic apoplexy. However, I promised, for a consideration, not to tell where he got the bauble and the scarf. : ** Arcades ambo !” said I to him, alluding to the fact of his having bought both the articles in the Arcade. But the Rajah didn’t laugh. He isa man window, and of no education—can scarcely gpell his own name, and is what Sir Saar told the Government he was—a regular out-and-out Duffadar. However, as it was was too un- wieldy to get through the _ narrow’ win- dow, He was a first - class tiger. I had the presence of mind to look out of the other shout “All g pda aed dg hy wh. to Guddee- all in our Sunday best, : ‘ head!” and with Rumi's brother, the Rajah’s -servant carrying our devotional library, | the sudden jerk of the train, as it moved on, threw the I drew it, and I really think it is, if not the biggest, at least the best thing I’ve | beast under the wheels, This is a curious story—quite ever done. true. Several offers already for it, but I’m still to another. The hammer} Arrived, and called on the Maranatha, He isa furious isn’t down yet, for, though a simple cuss, | am downey asa hammer. (This is| old cuss, and much addicted to strong waters, and stronger 4 burstah, i.e., an overpoweringly wproarious jest that sets tables in roars, langues. Ina — humour he asked me, splits sides, and, in fact, plays the ‘very joose”’ with a convivial » iy ° take ?” you is well worth one-and- moe an hour, as a joke, merely for auctioneers. ** Your portrait,” I ssotied, sealiiy. Spent the evening with Mvetarun. ‘There is no theatre here, but a travelling| ‘‘ Rupees?” he inquired ly. —— of Moggers (play-actors—chiefly low comedians) gave us a performance} ‘‘ Certainly!” I answered. “A pint of fresh ru-pees ; in Great sooner better.” 4 and the you out, the ? This was quite a oe ae for Mustaruy, who had, fortunately, in- ro rhsiched with lenghter, for he understands English. vited a party of over a h peas to drop in during the evening. When he partially recovered, he said, Knowing this, J had previously arranged the programme to finish with a per-| ‘‘ 1 buy that joke with picture.” formance of Nauteh-girls in the grand Nautchical burlesque of Black-Eyed| ‘‘Done!” cried 1, And we shook hands over the Susan, in which I myself had coached the representative of Captain Crosstree, ——. with an imitation of whose cocked-hat I afterwards went round to the Rajahs, id half down on account, and then sat for his the Khans, and all the ti swells, for a subscription pour les pawvres. t. I had with Kensaer of the Muggars to share, after deducting] Left sitting. : ten per cent. of the gross receipts for the poor, ten for the Author, and ten for| 1 will here give a little anecdote, which bits a nice the ur, To this he, with a truly liberal spirit, had also | trait in my , and speaks well for Govern- undertaking to take the part of Captain Crosstree himself. And while he was| ment. having his great scene, and the i were in ecstasies of delight and in| I was one day chatting with a few bles—who the greatest good humour, I went round with the hat. Didn’t stump | were not nameless there, shall be so here,—and, in up! Rajah !—I mean Rather! I took a cool hundred on the spot; and anything | the course of conversation, ermeune observed that there cool in Ynjia—exeopt the conduct of the coolies (whence their name)—is, would probably be a vacancy on the Indian Bench.

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226 OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 17, 1879.

AT THE R.A.—TRIUMPH OF REALISTIC ART. Blenkinsop (complacently gazing at a Bust of himself by a fashionable Sculptor). “‘ItT’s Not 80 MUOH AS A WoRK OF ART THAT I VALVE IT, BROWN ; BUT THE LIKENESS 18 80 WONDERFUL, you Know!”

I smiled, but made no reply. a “It’s easy work,” observed the eminent individual, who was then on his way back to England to advise the Government. “AJ udge out here has a pleasant time of it. Cool drinks, and a nice bar. No Wigs.” _ “That exactly suits the present administration,” said I, with an uncontrollable twinkle | in 7" left eye. “‘ No Whigs, eh ?—all Tories ?” ey had a jolly appreciative laugh at this. | “ Who’s the right man for the left place ?’”’ asked the second Head Swell, suddenly. It was not for me to speak out, so’ thought the more, like Sir Paul Parrot in the play. | : Fon, ae a good judge,” continued the same distinguished individual, turning to me. us . “*I am,” I returned, modestly ; ‘‘ I own the soft impeachment.” And, to hide my blushes I quaffed a beaker of the best iced punkah (a delightful drink, which ought to be introdu _ into England), and heaved a gentle sigh out of my hubble-bubble. ** We want,” said Head Swell Number Three, “an unbiassed, unprejudiced sort of cuss.” “ That’s me, Gzorex,” I replied, good-humouredly, and then hummed ** Who shall be fairest ?”’ Then the chief put it squarely to me, ** Would you accept the place ?” Now, I am not every man’s money. I’m not to be had cheap. So I shook my head dubio' IY and — . | “ Well, if the Government were in a difficulty—if they were reduced to such straits that , a would become a duty—then noblesse oblige—and, if asked, I would give them 1é e ** You would ?” he heartily shaking my hand. | “T would,” I — peated He sailed next Imagine my astonishment when the first vacancy on the Injian Bench was offered to Mr. Doveras GHT, Junior Counsel to the Treasury. My friend, the Injian Swell, met me in the street. Thank you for your advice,” he said. ‘‘ We’ve acted upon it.” y:

“Why, yure . —n ht tip’ f “Why, you gave us ‘the i p’ for the appointment, and I thoroughhl under- stood what you meant by that, though it was 80 Wra up.” “I’m delighted,” I replied—for I knew is something in store for me, just a penn’orth of petrenage ; but ‘‘ mum” is the word,—though for myself I do not care for Jutes Mumm, but I swear b Pomméry trés sec, and Vive La Veuve Pom /—but way—‘“I’m deligh The Government, = ced to straits, has se- lected the very best Straight of the lot. a and ‘|~ + nature. e goes straight, he’ straight, and return straight to ett Brayvo, Sir! and, to the Bard of Trial by Jury, let me add— “ And a good Judge too.”’ And that’s how it’s done. Of course I don’t go into motives. The surface does for me. I’m sati with Srraicut, and don’t descend to the Strata. I wish Mr. Justice Srraicut all success, and hope he’Il find Injia as injyable as I did. Private Diary.—W onder what’s become of Rummi? 4 propos of the small book in which I make my particular and confi- dential entries—my ‘‘aside book,” s0 to = am thinking of ing up a pany for pointing Injians. ot on canvass; but for painting themselves, an operation in which swells of beth sexes at resent are most lamentably at fault. They don’t understand how to get them- selves up; and, the result is, that a dark Lady who has been at the rouge-pot, is made game of by all the little 8, and be! call her rouge et noir. ow I see eh | toa Beautiful-for-Ever scheme. Establish a upeee, Capital, 300,000 ye ay Cards of admission to Sub- seribers only, to whom will the address be given. e shall name it after the small note-book in which the brilliant idea was originally registered—Our Private Dyery. ——_ — We. Ath c Jext Y.— ome preparing Prospectus and designing’a jctortal adver- tisement. Thinking . Will ery | hard” lead to softening of the brain Question. Refer it to a sub-committee, and go on thinking.

A Cheer for Cabby. WE may soon be enabled to take a cab without fear of incurring an ove . or the alternative of an altercation. At the Dinner of the Cabdrivers’ Benevolent Association, eaten on Monday last week under the presidency of the Prince of Wates, it was announced that the moral character of Cabmen generally had greatly ng ns remarkable f <a f ‘or which some remarkable examples were cited ought to secure, at least, Hansom contri- butions to his Benevolent Association.

SIGNS AND SQUALLS. We learn from the Almanacks that the Sun in May is in Gemini—the Twins. Of ae Be oe an oe ae re. wi infanta, however, may have accounted for the late squalls.

A Saw ror THe Trwes,—No man should live beyond the means of his Creditors.

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May 17, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL > | nN .“ a 1H} SRR 4 o. We 4 Ans ‘ex 1 att MARCH OF EDUCATION. Newsboy. *‘ PALL MALL, Giope, Stanpb——” Old Gent, ** Any News, my Boy!” Newsboy. ‘‘ Econo, 818, on Evenine Stan——” Old Gent. ** BuT 18 THERE ANY News THIs Eveninc?” Jewsboy. ‘‘ YoU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU A PREssEz, DO you ?—Suan’r!” [ Exit. Old Gent (to pei ‘Dean ME! A ‘Précis’! Taxis comEs 0’ THOSE SCHOOL Boar THE WREATH IS NOT IN PAWN Tue Liberal Press ought really to know its duty nt te than to abuse the earnest and energetic promoter of the Working Men’s Tribute to Lord Bracons- FIELD—the sommiek The Tracy TURNERELLI—to whose complaints Punch feels bound, aA every consideration that should weigh with a citizen, to give the fullest publicity. Not only has T. T. been (as a waties to Punch, “his best friend”) the mark for the d arrows of ‘ us abuse” from “certain sections of the Medieal Proce” but the neu” ibute” itself has been made the butt of wholesale falsehoods :— ‘‘ These manifold misrepresentations have at last culminated in the public assertion, that ‘Tux Gotp Laurnet Wreatn 1s “in Pawn!” ’ and that, the money not being forthcoming, ‘ the manufacturers re — to part with it !’ “To this assertion — which UNT AND RosKeELt, as you will see in their as ‘a calumnious jeeention, entirely devoid of truth in every way’—I beg you, in common justice, to allow me to state in your paper—whose readers are ‘penny and, no doubt, lovers of truth— that, at this moment, about £200, the proceeds of tions, are in the hands of the Leamington Priors and Warwickshire ye — ton ; that £100 more, the fruit of penny subscriptions also, are daily Santi aving amply secured the cost of the Wreath, I have ‘ordered A a pases Md eaten to contain st, the price of which is also nearly covered, and of which I beg to be allowed the honour of sending you for your acceptance a free complimentary copy of a Photograph, by the Autotype Company, London.”’ Punch is proud to acknowl the receipt of the Photographs here alluded to, that of the Wreath, we ens hy Cage ob secured, yey nificent Casket thus magnanimously ordered oy the faith of the great heart of Tracy TURNERELLI ! Weanrens or tHe Green.—If the rude street-boys call the English red- coated Volunteers *‘ Red ’Errins ”—will they call the Trish Vebuntenen, who, of course, will wear the national colour— “* Green ’Erins ?” TAKING STOCK, Joun Butt loquitur. Hoxp hard a bit, m pe ap friends! I’m sick and tired of show and shouting, i aga Sass Gach oe moens eon and ends, noise won’t ease m ve misdout ting Har de'T etna? Whol filme that? I want to see how When times are hard an eee at, You can’t set matters square by crowing, We've had a lot of that of late, It’s pretty pastime while you ’re at it ; But its net profits, up to date, I own I can’t quite reckon, ‘drat it! How ho wie chown nue don 6 know why, I hold to be a noisy noodle, So I ’ll look round before J try Another bout of Cock-a-doodle. my own, And not go ‘Geking upa - The Liberals’ laissez-aller style Maybe set foreign critics sneering, But could not Bui. afford to smile At journalistic jeering ? French and otetioe 1 banter? Pooh! Would Russia make a casus belli, Of endless cock-a-doodle-doo From my smart friend, the Daily Telly ? And sew Gay teh wo I'm A? Cock of the walk, and all the rest of it, Somehow I don’t enjoy the fun ; The crowing seems about the best of it. Account of the hatched eggs I ask, Since with the hen-honse conte I'm saddled ; Till one suspects that half are addled. And really I can’t see the pull Of paying through the nose for crowing. I know I’ve stumped up lots, but Boi. Likes some clear notion of what's owing. Srarrorp is ny m not clear About his new book-keeping system. That both ends don’t quite meet, I fear ; Figures ain’t facts,—not when you twist ’em. Tancred’s large dreams my fancy fired,— Views have a charm, when they’ re extensive,— But can he make ‘em good ? I’m tired = $a mone yok come 80 oupensive. e ring game daring hand Good business needs close calculation ; Big bounce oo and bad finance might land’ ven JonN But in liquidation. (Left thinking it over.) Just the Difference. i3y: of the Daily News, the bitants of ports and coasts eT ely hale iP explains that heads y.” These is just this difference between trates snd Gate in dapeel. te : the one are dan for the atm YN y; because their heads are empty. Over a Grave. "is Spat wo hate bodes with cursanceuss ont fiom, And Obstruction invented to worry him ; But the Saxon we ll show what Home-Kulers unites For once round their Leader—to bury him ee is a Seotigtin pee ke Bb pce

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c ¥ 3 228 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 17, 1879. GREAT KNOX AND KNOX-LITTLE. eg hi py 7 ~. Tue following announcement in a diurnal newspaper may perhaps in particular concern persons of the Romanesque persuasion :— “Sr, Banwapas, Prmi1co.—The Rev. Mr. Knox-Littie has announced to his congregation at St. Alban’s, Manchester, that he has declined to accept this London vicarage.” A Kwox-Lirrre capable of accepting a cure of Ritualistic souls would seem to be so much less than a little Kwox, as to be nothing of a Knox; that is to say, a Jomw Kwox. Only, were the Rev. Knox-Lirrize, a member of the brotherhood comprising Mr. Mackxonocutg and Mr. Toorn, there would at least be one point of resemblance between the little Kwox and the great Knox—the Ritu- alist and the Reformer, If the Presbyterians expressly repudiate Prelacy, the Anglican sta practically set their Bishops at defiance. So far, it may be said that— ** New Priest is but old Presbyter writ small.” WHAT WE HAVE COME TO—NEARLY ! (A not very exaggerated Report of recent Proceedings.) Tae Barnes M was yesterday again the subject of inquiry before the South Surrey Bench of rates. The Counsel already engaged in the case reappeared for the Prosecution. The Prisoner was defended by Mr. Browz Beater. Mrs. Constance GoopMAN, the next witness called, said that she was the wife of a Linendraper who had been established in the neighbourhood for five-and-twenty years. She remembered speak- ing to the last witness at his house between five and six in the after- noon of the first Sunday in March. Cross-ezamined by Mr. Browe Beater, She had never been a Rogpendent in the Divorce Court. r, Browe Beater. Oh, I suppose you are too drunk to remember? 7 know ba ice —_= now ? ve “ubness (ind: ). 1 was never tipsy in my life. The Chawman. my ean see no ground at all for bullying the Witness in this way. Bench feels it right to interfere for her protection. Mr. Browe Beater (interrupting), You shut up! (Laughter.) However, I have taken a note of your objection. Cross-examination re L itness said that her husband had neyer been in the Bankruptey Court. She denied that he was in the habit of using short measures. She had six children. None of them had been convicted and sentenced to penal servitude. say! ( Her daughters rried ‘ Ste Bae Bae Ont qerpctle hey were me iets Counsel for the Prosecution. 1 really anst pootest against the line of examination my learned friend has adopted. It leads to nothing, and can only cause pain to a number of perfectly innocent persons. Mr. Browe Beater (hotly). 1 will not be bullied. (Laughter.) My learned friend had better mind his own b The Chairman. I really think that—— , Mr. Browe Beater (interrupting). Who cares what you think ? (Laughter.) ; The Chairman. You really must not speak to the Bench in that disrespectful manner. : Mr. Browe Beater. I shall speak ¥, I think gape I have a duty to my client. (Zo Witness.) know you have come here to swear away the life of my client : Witness (in tears). I am sure do nothing of the sort. I would not hurt a fly. : Mr. Browe Beater, Hurt a fly, indeed! Come—how many glasses of whiskey have you had this morning ? Witness, 1 never drink whiskey. Mr. Browe Beater. Never drink whiskey! Don’t tell me that. Everybody drinks whiskey when they can get } pany e Cross-examination resumed. She was sure had seen the wit- ness between five and six. It was not between eleven and twelve at night. She had never kissed him. Mr. Browe Beater. Your husband is not very jealous,eh? He doesn’t mind you kissing other men, I ? Witness (indignantly). I am a res large family of children, and—— Mr. Browe Beater. Married or not, you are not here to bully me! (Laughter.) You have a married sister in Australia whom you have not seen for twenty years ? _ Witness. Yes, She has not corresponded with us for a very long time, __ Mr. Browe Beater. Now be careful and tell the truth for once, if you can. Was this sister of yours transported ? itness. Certainly not. She paid her own passage-money—or her husband for her. She did not go out at the public expense. Mr. Browe Beater (to Clerk). Put that down, Her answer is the most important bit of evidence we have had yet. Cross-examination resumed. Her sister was a respectable married woman. She had never been in prison. Her parents were dead. She had not been accused of poisoning them. She washed her face and hands more than once a week, many times more. She was not bald on the top of her head, No brother of hers had been convicted of obtaining money on false pretences. Mr. Browe Bearer said he thought that would do for the present, the Bench agreed with him, and the Court adjourned for refresh- ment. After luncheon the cross-examination of the Witness was resumed by Mr, Browz Beater with increased vigour, if possible, married woman with a Conversions. THERE are advertisements about Town, representing how a sinful Jockey was converted by seeing New Babylon at the Duke's, (this no doubt took the Prince of WatEs to see it the other night); and how somebody else was converted by seeing The Woman of the People at the Olympic. Yet another Conversion. All the people who declared that Niniche could never be converted into a possible piece for the ish " have been to Boulogne (at the Gaiety); have witn the con- version of Niniche into Zuzu; have acknowl the errors of their ways; and have entirely recanted their former opinions, Who say that the Stage is not a great moral teacher ? Pleasant and Cool. Dear Pouncna, I am so astonished to hear my visitors—comparatively few, sways to say, for the time of year—abuse the weather! For my consider it particularly seasonable. I have been here in this en longer than I can remember, and never felt so comfortable, except occasionally at a rare Christmas like the last, which doesn’t yet seem over. e bracing ey om me makes me feel quite in the latitude of that region whence I derive my familiar title of Tne Porar Bear. The Zoo, May 8, 1879. (Thalassarctos maritimus.) NOT 80 BACKWARD AFTER ALL, Wuen weare told that the Kentish hop-grounds, “‘ like everything else, are very backward this year,” in one point at least they seem to be more forward than their Kentish r the and their Northern countrymen, the miners, “ y of them,’ we read, “‘ have finished striking.” 4@ To Ooseasronpants.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or Sor Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by « and directed 4s should be kept. a ones «ff toad

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May 24, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. 229 THE TOUR OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY. (Personally Conducted by Our Own Guide.) No. 80. Orphans. G. A. Srorngy, A. Orphans!. Well? And who made them so? Oh, you Storey ! No. 213. ‘Shall I throw him over, or shall I not?” A.rrep ELmore, R.A. Young Girl bored by an admirer, who is | ina very insecure position on a parapet behind her, reading a little com- poaties of his own aloud. With one sudden jerk of her head or | hand she can instantly topple him over into the river. No. 220. The Prescription. Joun Petriz, A. Four Doctors a been called in, depute their senior to read the Prescription to the bilious young Prince. N.B.—A very fine and striking picture, but it certainly might be this, just as much as The Death Warrant. Trés-grand, PETttE. No, 233. ‘* Queen’s Bishop.” His Lordship’s name is Trotiorr, which recalls that eminent Bishop of Barchester, Dr. Proupie. Observe the Bishop’s little kids—I mean in his left hand. Frep. G. CoTMan. No. 416. Summer Time. Marcus Stone, A. Stone being sat on by a young Girl. No. 362. Some other Time. Marcus Stong,"A. Same Girl grown up. Five o’clock tea out-of-doors. She is wishing she hadn’t put on those blue boots, as she can’t walk about on the damp grass, and the stool will be of no use to her. ‘‘ But all the same,” she says, to herself, ‘* I am a very pretty girl.” No. 367. ‘* Bathing not Allowed. Police have Strict Orders,”’ &c. ALFRED ELMORE, RA. No. 421. ‘* Love me, love my Dog.” G. A. Storey, A. GattEry VI. No. 464. Sundown. Cecrt Lawson. Unless “ Sundown” is a misprint for ‘“‘ Sandown"—the Catalogue is under revision—this picture is meant to indicate the time of day as seen by Mr. Lawson, who must, surely, have been “‘ up to the time of day ” very late the night before. Some le have described it as ** after TuRwERr,” but it is more su ve of ‘‘ After Supper.” No. 465. Hesitation. C. W. Corr, R.A. ‘ The Girl who hesi- fates is lost ’’—and a pity this Girl wasn’t, on her road to Burlington ouse. No. 477. A Sussex Village. J. W. Oaxes, A. Just the place for Oakes. No. 487. The Nervous Knight. Briton Rrvrerz, A. “I see you!” he exclaimed, peering forward into the darkness. ‘‘ Here, I say! Come! Nolarks!” There were no larks: it was a bat. No. 507. Taking their Leaves; or, ‘‘ I feel just as happy as a “—_— Sunflower!” AtrreD Parsons. 0. 509. No Bodies! or, Rainbow Bridge. W. G. Darrary. = two peacocks’ tails visible, the poor birds being out of sight, wedged into the rocks. _No. 528. Subject from Crabbe’s *‘ Tales of the Haul,” Joun G. Naso, What three nice clean respectable fishermen! So true to nature—or to Naish-er. No. 531. Lady im a reverie, unconscious of the approach of a goblin bird through the open window. Motto, ‘‘ Keep up your pecker!” Or if that isn’t an open window at the back, and if it isn’t a goblin bird, then what is it? Goblin ta ’ gotiage. For further particulars ask the Artist, Jou» Evererr Mriais, R.A. No. 540. Turnips and Tops; or, How my Mother sold her Mangel, by Jouw B Rarp, which has’ been ased by the Presi- dent and Council of the Royal Academy, under the terms of the Chantry Bequest. It ought to be the Do-try Bequest not the Shan’ t-try. No. 549. My Native Land, Good Night. H. O'Nerm, A. Hope both mother, with the toothache, and child, are going for a change of hair. No. 555. The Place to Catch a Jolly Good Cold. Srvanr Lioyp. Gatiery VII. No. 559. Miss Noble. J. C. Honstey, R.A. Very kind of her to sit. Noblesse oe. . : No. 579. Signor Piatti; or, Reading at Sight, and Puzzled by a Foot Note, Franx Hott, A. The mye emg Fg Army. Exizasetu Burien (née Tompson). The picture of the year. us write Mrs. Bur.er, R.A.—i.e., ‘* Really Admirable ! ” ; No. 599. As the Picture tells its own story, I have nothing to say for it. E. Brarr Letenroy. . Nos. 609, 614. The Two Alexanders ; or, the Bilious Brothers. Jouw Pertie, R.A. What Atexanper is 609? No, not “‘ what ALEXANDER,” but ALEXANDER Warr. No. 628. Hiding Behind the Door ; or, Practical Joke in the Olden Time. HILUINGForD. . No. 651. John Hare, Comedian, Vat. C. Prinser, A. A hare from the Artist’s brush. No, 663. On the Wye, Wye not? Herpert Lrnpoy. No. 779. What’so’ Clock? Layyre Wart. Sat in a corner, Petits pet op bated e put um To n'boy who eried “ Gome ! ” And asked, “ What ’s o’clock, if you please? "’ ‘att’s Hums. a 0. 832. .A Moment’s Reflection ; or, in the Swing of it. Hewny OLIDAY. No, 857. Adam. Also by H. Horrpay. In spite of the quotation which this is intended to illustrate, this is quite a Holiday view of Apam, who is ppenates as taking it very easy, or to quote the apposite line of venerable Josephus Miller, it is, ‘‘ Anam taking his otium cum dig.” Gatrery IX. No. 1218. Mrs. Langtry—after E. J. Poywrer, R.A. J. J. Cuant. Happy Porwresr, R.A., with Mrs. Lanorry after you!! No, 1221. Portrait of a Gentleman—after Seymour Lucas— Etching. Vicror Luvitirer. I suppose that Seymour Lucas was trespassing as well as etching, or why should the Gentleman have been after him ? Gatiery X. No. 1380. Going to the Front: India, 1878; or, Training in the Way they should Go. 1 hope the Artist is following the example of his own soldiers, and also “ going to the front.” Watrer C. Horsey. No. 1391. A Turk trying to Find his Way to the North Pole, Apert Goopwin. On dit, purchased for the Colney Hatch collec- tion. No. 1385. ‘‘ Absconded.” Frank Hort, A. ‘And so as to escape observation,” said the cunning swindler, to himself, ‘‘ I have put on a pea- overcoat, a light grey frock coat, yellow trousers, a very decided white waistcoat, and, to make assurance doubly sure, I am wearing a brilliant scarlet necktie with two big ends! ”’ No. 1395. ‘* All safe—barrin’ the Door!” Lasuetr J. Port. No. 1423. The Right Rev. Christopher Wordsworth, D.D., D.C.L., Lord Bishop of Lincoln. Epwin Lona, A. Property crozier against the wall—evidently for ornament not use, and a metal cross fastened by an evident elastic band round his Lordship’s neck. He wears also his scarlet Doctor’s University hood. Bravo, Mr. Lone! ‘“ Keep up the Christopher!” No. 1426. Geo. Grossmith, Esq., Senior. Wrnpvow GrossmitH. There was a little man, And he had a little son, Of whom, if you ’ve not seen him, you have read, read, read ; And then he had another, The former's little brother, Who has taken, as you see, his father’s head, head, head. No. 1430. A Sardine Fishery. Ront. W. Macsern. Fishing for sardines, and let us , at the same time, making the tin. Yo. 0000. “ Notin it!” ‘W.P. Frrrn, R.A. Newman Among the Red Hate. (By a change of Por.) His virtues are so cardinal and rare, We wonder how the dickens he got there ! VoL, LXXvI' eae a A ce Ne ee - —~ - Si A RE AN

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230 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [May 24, 1879, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. YQ KW SN \» . > the scoundrels who swindle are the only things lower than the screws that run. Such are these ‘“‘ gatherings,” proper Mowpvay, May 12 (Lords).—What are suburban ‘‘ gate meetings ? ” Hear, in reply, the Report of Lord ENFIELD, which, as an Enfield, oe J hit > ¥.. oa are speculations of Sporting Publicans, for the benefit of low bars, low betting - men, welshers, rs, roughs, and eee apne at_ which y so called—foul sores, in which all the evil humours of the “‘ Great Wen ”—as Consett called London—come toa head. The low publican, and his still | lower customers, call the varieties of villainy that go on at these places, “‘ Sport.” ‘‘ What is sport to you, is intolerable nuisance to us,’ say all decent people within the radius of these Saturnalia of scoundrelism. Of all the noxious growths of the Turf, these suburban “* gate-meetings ”’ are about the most poisonous. The Jockey Club has power to knock them on the head, and doesn’t. _ A Bill has passed the Commons, putting these focuses of foul play, or ten miles round London, under ——— licence. oc Lord ExrreLtp moved Second Reading of the Bill to-night. The and Lord RIpBLESDALE. Punch could wish noble Lords better employment. Lord Granvrtte and Earl Mortey felt constrained to back the Bill. They loved sport, but thought these meetings caything bet key Club opposed, through the Duke of Ricumonp, Lord RosEBEry, sport —decidedly a serious nuisance. So, though the Jockey Club opposed, and the Government—in the Lords—cold-

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May 24, 1879.] — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Mr. Cross and his Under-Secretary having supported the ill in the Commons,) and Lord St. Leonanps protested ainst interference with the profits of publicans and the sport of sinners, the Lords, for very shame, passed the Second Reading by 84 to 57. Punch, in the name of all decent dwellers in the suburbs, thanks them. _(Commons.)—Questions and notices. The pleasantest bit of news elicited to-night was that the Whitsun holi- days would on Tuesday, the 27th—the day before the Derby—and last till the Monday week after. Then into Supply. Mr. Rywanps tried to eut down the Secret Service Money. If he only knew the excellent uses that money is put to, he would hardly expect Punch to support any movement for stopping its supply. Why the very furniture (in the hig! est esthetic style) of the luxurious apartment in which Mr. P. is now writing; the very Pommery trés sec, with which he slakes his overkindled imagination ; the very Havannah, on whose blue clouds his spirit floats heavenward, like Venus in Mr. E. Bure Jonks’s picture at the Grosvenor—only that she is coming conn, as he goes up—where were all these, but for the *¢ But that we are forbid To tell the secrets of our Downing Street, We could a tale unfold !’7—— But Mr. Punch is not the man to take and tell. Various Scotch and Irish bones—Queen’s Pilates, Fishery Board, &c., &e.—snarled over by various jea- lous d Irish and Scotch—but nothing got by either out of other’s mouth. Tuesday (Lords).—Lord Saispury assured Lord Stan- HOPE that he did not believe the Suttaw had renounced any of his Bs (Or his wrongs either—Punch is Prifo might not vee hi his right of e t not see his way to exercise his right of garri- soning the Balkans just now, but not seeing your way to exercising a right was very diff (Commons.)—Mr. Dituwry and Mr, Courtney raised the Prerogative Ignis Fatuus, which the House had the pleasure of hunting from five till half-past two in the morning. Very funny to see Mr. Fawcett, Mr. Guap- STONE, and the Marquis of HartineTon vainly trying to clap their several extinguishers on the random sparks that went playing through the waste places of Constitu- tional history in the most erratic and bewildering manner. To complicate matters, Lord Ropert Montacv started a Will-o’-the-Wisp of his own, the illegality of the Cabinet, in place of which he wants to bring back the Privy Council with its old Constitutional functions. Eve ing was done to snuff out Lord Rozert’s Will- o’-the-Wisp. They even tried to count him out—in vain. The House liked the evening’s play so well that it is going to have another night’s Will-o’-the- Wisping. uch good may it do the Collective Wisdom. ; It will at least save Punch the trouble of distillation. There is no such thing as essence of Ignis Fatuus,— though some have assigned this origin to F’lap-doodle, the well-known fools’ feeding mixture. Wednesday.—To put all Ireland into an Ulster is the purpose of Mr. Suaw’s Irish Landlord and Tenant Bill —a survival of poor Isaac Burr. Its end is fixity of tenure ; its means to make Ulster Tenant-Right com- pulsory all over Ireland. This is rather more than Government can be expected to stand, even with a General Election before it, and the Irish vote still open to arrangement. Mr. WATERLOW opposed for the City Companies, Sir J. Lestre for landlords in Ireland, Mr. Waxetnovse for landlords in general, Mr. J. Lowrner and the Irish ATTORNEY-GENERAL for the Government. Sir P. Mc- KENNA and Col, Cottuunrst, Lord F. Conryenam and Mr. Macarrny, Sir P. O’Brien, Mr. BLENNERHASSET, and Mr, Justin Macartuy supported, in the name of Home Rule, and the general desire of the Irish tenant to make it as ‘‘aisy”’ for himself, and as hard and hot for his landlord, as possible. Of course, the elements of Opposition were too ueng et the mover, and the Liberal igs standing aloof, Mr. Suaw had to submit to be erent from renouncing it. bi ridden down by 263 anti-rent-chargers to the 91 he to muster between Irish Home-Rulers and lish Advanced Liberal f ursday (Lords).—In the approaching joust between rd BEACONSFIELD and the Macatitum More, the bar- riers will be set up outside the “‘ scientific frontier.” TWO ASIDES. ‘‘An! THERE GOES BRowN, WHO USED TO LIVE IN NewMAN Srreet! Now HE’s AN A.R.A., AND EVIDENTLY FAR TOO GREAT A SWELL TO REMEMBER THE LIKES Of mE/” ‘*By Grorce, 1F 1T AIN’T Jowes/—A Q.C., If YOU PLEASE, SINCK WE LAST MET AT Pappy GREEN’s, AND OF COURSE MUCH TOO Hien anv Mionty TO RECOLLECT MY HUMBLE EXISTENCE!” [Think meanly of each other, and pass on. A little iscogal paamage Bishop of -at-arms @ propos of cathedral foundations. The ARLISLE wants to give Deans and Chapters of ‘‘ new foundations” the same powers to revise their statutes as Deans and Chapters of ‘‘ old founda- tions.” e Archbishop of CanTERBURY protests nst the farve of empowerin Divinity Doctors to doctor themselves. Not a and Chapter of an ol foundation had ever shown the least disposition to do anything of the kind. What was wanted was a Royal Commission to look into a// Cathedral founda- tions, new and old alike x! where they wanted repairs. * The PrRemMrer agreed with the Primate, and solemnly promised the Com- mission. (Commons.)—Among to-night’s “‘ mixed occu Bill Committee, in the course of which the Mem on, turned, and smote the Member for Oxford between the joints of his harness, te the great joy of the House—not that it loves Mr. Jenxrxs much, but that it hates Sir Ww. V. Hancovrt more, and is glad to see him get what he is in the habit of givi sauce, All the same, for squalls, and— “ Take care what he’s at, nor with Hancovrt make free, Or ‘tis oh for the Member for Bonny Dundee! ”’ .Then the O’Connorn Dow moved—as a Dow had the Irish University Bill, another of the Burr survivals, to include only four faculti have Professorshi, ing is to be under from £40,000 to £50,000 a year, are to come tions” was Army Discipline r for Dundee, much den let the fearless Jenxins look out best right to do—the The New University is makin atl setuaees typos. Weligiegs dnc ~ nf 3 Its ex , to the tune of the Irish Church Surplus Fund.

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| | | i | | expected, Itis not we, the Members of the 0 232 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 24, 1879, The Bill was received with general civility, and general reserve. Thus far it has not got farther than promise, from its start in compromise. | It is true, the £50,000 a year may do a good deal to grease the way for it. | as idle to —_ bottling, in the shape of renee, Lard B.’s stale Friday (Lords).— “ And thrice he routed all his foes, And thrice he slew the slain ! ”’ Such, in Essence, was the gallant deed of the Macattum More to-night. He summed up into a slashing two hours’ speech all the Opposition has been saying in all its arraignments of Lord Bracons- FIELD and his Cabinet-men, since ‘‘ Peace with Honour ” was brought back from Berlin. And very well the Macat_um More did it, The only question that oeeurs to one is, ‘‘ Was it worth doing, all over again?” To be sure, ill-used Macattum More has been out of it all, nursing his gout on the shores of the Mediterranean; and it was hard upon him to be kept in that state of suppressed speech, which is as bad as suppressed gout. Now that he has blown off the steam, let us hope he will be better. But it was something to have the pleasure of leaving that sting in the tail of a two hours’ talk :— “Yes, my Lords, you are beginning to be found out. The people of this country are beginning to see ou have not ob for them what they L who are accusing you. Time is your great accuser; the course of events is summing up the case against you. What have you to say—I shall await to hear—what have you to say why you should not receive an adverse verdiet at the hands of the | public, as you certainly will be ealled upon to receive it at the bar of history ?’’ } No wonder Lord Beaconsrrexp called this, ‘‘if not malevolent, | envenomed.” The venom is what makes stings stin It would be | defence, as the Duke of Arcytt’s stale attack, or Lord KimpeR.ey’s |crambe repetita served cold to empty benches, or renownéd Satis- puRY’s oil of vitriol. Only Punch must preserve Lord GraNVILLE’s br» of +7 Me uante, nog the pe oe — 9 a ge: ** flogging a dead horse,” as the Marquis elegantly put it, but | Pre. — something in the shape of a Government, which was not | dead yet,—whatever it might be after Dissolution. . It was quite an ‘‘ extra night,” and no wonder the galleries were crowded, with such stars in the bill, however stale their parts. __ a the morning, Committee on Army Discipline Bill. n the evening, Sir W. V. Hancovrr tried to put the Government in the hole, on their concession to the Russians of three months over the Berlin Lacy! limit for evacuation of Bulgaria and Eastern Roumelia. But Sir Starrorp held on tight to the Sarissury inter- | pretation, that when you talk of ‘‘an evacuation in nine months,” you mean one that begins at the end of nine months, not one that’s finished in the course of them. Mr. Kwatcusuti-Hoerssen tried to get a Committee on Brewers’ Licence Duty, which he thinks a hardship. The House agreed with Sir Starrorp (by 115 to 53), that Brewers were rather let off too |easy than weighted too heavily, and that, on the whole, as Sir | WILFRID put it, e were the best-off trade goin i g. | And why not, while they brew the best of beer? grumbles a | Basso profondo. INJYABLE INJIA: OR, NOTES AND SKETCHES OF A SPECIALLY-COMMISSIONED ARTIST. By FUZZELI PRINCEPS. Cnapter IX. Advertisement — Walls — Suggestion — Visit—Imperial— Payment— Sahib—Shoes— Umbrella— Booty— Bowers — Silence —Albany— Royal Highness — Tic —Hanki— Chamberlain— Khanoodlars— Sallee—The Roof —View—Difficult—O’ Richard— Hit—Sittee— Piano. ih Ae . ANE " /}]! / / \h My, \2 44 wis STARTED in my last the idea of a Private Dyery Company, Lim- ited, for Injian cemplexions. My advertisin ic- ture beate Pickles hollow. Injian complexion one side European t’ other. Loo on this cheek and on that. How do you like my cheek ? propos of walls, what a place for adver- tisements the Great Wall of China would be! It would be worth Mr. WILLINe’s while to send out and speculate. Let him start this one of mine. I’m ready, he’s Went to see T Anpar {I Pe oy rful en see 100B0B ANDAR jT1zzI, at one e the most € among the dusky Native Rulers. He was formerly a full comeiin but has lost quite seven-eighths of his power. Poor Toonop ANDAR Tizzr owns only the power of a Half-Crowned potentate now. He was a great a at one time, and lost the bulk of his propert to Rasan Tossak. This makes him penurious and stingy. He asked me whether Government would pay him for sitting. I replied that I would lay his claims before the Imperial Government on my return. No one is allowed to approach him with shoes on. I left mine, with my umbrella, at the . There were two holes in my stock- ings, w hp | =, ey ee she... —it remin me of home, my roughest expression is ‘‘ Darn my old socks!’” When I came out again, they were gone. No one knew anything about them. No one had ever seen the Sahib’s shoes, or umbrella. ¢ h My, ™~ ; = ‘= = AD A> , no matter | Khanood ‘* Was the Sahib quite sure he had them on when he came ?”’ they asked. Yes, the Sahib was. And the Sahib was equally sure he had not got them when he left. I have never seen them since. Catch me taking off my shoes again as a matter of Court etiquette. If I do, I’ll pocket them. e Rajah’s head-man—or rather foot-man—as it is he who collects all the visitors’ shoes, and gives them to his grasping old master— said to me, ” jah be as big as Sahib some day. Take Sahib’s place.’ ‘“ Why?” I answered, unguspessaely.. **?Cos,” he replied, ‘‘ Rajah stand in Sahib’s shoes.”’ And then, ere I could recover, he had bolted. It suddenly struck | me that I had heard his voice before. Could it have been Ruma? | No time just now to inquire. But I will. . His master has got quite a wonderful collection of the shoes which he has taken as his tear. Side-splitter this; a trifle old, but all the better for keeping. This morning saw the Bowers of Silence. As there are ‘‘ sermons in stones,” I am delighted at the notion of these Bowers. The head keeper is a functio well known all over Europe by the name of DuumM Krampno, more charming retreat for one whose ears have been piereed by the idiotic chatter of Society, I cannot imagine. I have taken rooms in the Bowers of Silence for some time. It is an establishment something between the Albany and an alms- house, where your poor bedesman will ever pray. Only here they don’t ever pray, but ever play, at Double Dummy. There are three others besides myself, and, as we are perfect Trappists in our ob- servance of the rules—never speaking except with our fingers, and occasionally our noses—so all our repartees are down on the nail— and you can imagine what a jolly quiet time we have of it, and, living by the rule of Thumb, what is the silence of the Bowers in these Bowers of Silence. The name is supposed to be derived not from the English word ‘‘ Bower,” meaning an Arbour of Refuge amongst honeysuckles and roses, but from an Anglo-Indian word signifying the Polite People —that is, the Salaamers, or Bowers. Here is the illustration of my meaning. This is how the Silent Bowers salute one another when- ever they meet. Monday Morning.—I have never seen a more perfect specimen of Injian beauty, even in this land of perfect specimens, H.R. YEREE SALtEE Hoo Rao, the rr Ss cess t of the Khanoodlar people, She is herself a true oodlar, and, heart-whole as lam, and proof against all assaults of the fair enemy of man- kind, yet I own I was very nearly taken prisoner by this Gracious Lady. A alae this day have been King of the Khanoodlars, and monarch of all I surveyed, had I only popped the question. The Khanoodlars are, however, a rum sort of people ; and when I said I wanted to paint their Queen, I was given to understand that ne Fpl | could be granted to a foreigner, except in the sight of e people. I was not sorry to hear this, as had our interview been a ¢éte-d- téte—her head a ne mine—why, I should have lost my own utterly, and have been now FvuzzEti ‘PRINcEPs, the First of the lars. So, of course, I said to Her Royal Highness that she had only to command, and her humble servant would obey. She appointed the following morning, Ta A.M. “Oho!” thinks I to myselfi—‘ no one will be up at that hour, Is this a trap?”

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May 24, 1879.] —_— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 233

However, at the appointed time, I presented myself, and my box of pam, &c. at her private residence. was to be shown up the instant I arrived. “* You are the first ome who has ever dared to ‘ show me up,’” I said, pleasantly, to Tic Duota Roo, her head Chamberlain, who replied with a wink. Up we went. Upper and upper. ‘Where are we now?” I asked, as I paused, to recover my breath, on the tenth landing of the house, which is higher than any Hanki-Panki mansions. The Chamberlain—a mute—motioned me upwards. I shouldn’t like to have none but mutes about me if I were a Queen. Hang it all, it would be too funereal, or too ereal without the fun. ‘* Yet,” as I said to old Pan Trxian, “with enough mutes I’d undertake — fig IKLAH roared, ‘‘ No—si should be mutatis mutandis. (N.B.—Latin jeux de mots, two rupees extra. Rajahs at a dis- tance, please take notice.) Presentlywe passed through a trap-deor—(it was a trap, after all, so my surmise was right)—and ste on to the roof, which is shaped like a gigantic cocked-hat very much turned up at the edges, where the Resepguties (i. @s5 sees for catching the do are. Perched on the apex, holding a parasol, sat the beautiful and ac- cogyened Queen of the K ars. “Here,” she o » ‘all my subjects can keep their eyes on us, and see what you are doing. There must be no scandal about Queen WYEREE SALLEE Hoo Rao!” From the roof one could see all over Injia. A maprifosnt sight, but rather too much of a good thing all at once, before break- fast. To refuse to paint, and to retire, would have been an insult punishable with death; and the mute Chamberlain was at hand, as grim as the black servant in the drama of Pauline, which, years ago, in Kean’s time at the Princess’s, used to make me shiver in my boyish pumps. So, keeping my head as best I could, I took up my position in the Ranee-guttar on the north side, and set myself to work. She has the loveliest hands and feet, even in this land of beauteous extremities. ff tais roi, moi—mute me no mutes—it ’ Well, if ever 1 am reduced to extremities, I shall return to Injyable | Injia; and if the Wrerer Sattee Hoo Rao, the Queen of the Khanoodlars, is still of the same mind as she was on the nineteenth of the month, when, in answer to my singing (I always sing at my work) this line— ** Nana, wilt thou gang wi’ me?” she murmured, sotto voce, “ Ma réponse est, deux fois our.” I shall know where I am. By the way, I was astonished at her proficiency in French ; and we rattled on pleasantly enough, the blacks not being able to make out what the ‘* merry joose” we were talking about. en she sang to me— “0 Richard! O mon roi!” with such feeling, and with such a glance out of her left eye that hit me right in the ** gold” of my heart, and nearly knocked me off my perch into the street below—a drop of some two thousand feet, or so. But I pulled myself together, and observed, ‘‘ Ma reine, bien que nous sommes sur le toit, nous ne sommes pas ‘ tiled’ ”—which, though she didn’t understand it, she saw was meant to imply how necessary was caution. I have had three sittings from this lady on the top of her house.

A CARDINAL POINT. Most Venerable Cardinal Newman, your Eminence has well earned your Scarlet Hat. It is to yourself, probably, that the Porr owes the ing portion of his British converts—or reverts, if you please. A thoughtful man, if any dogma that you subscribe a nonsense to him, naturally asks himself whether is the more likely, that you should credit an absurdity, or that he should be an ass. The strongest argument in the view of an enlightened Briton for the creed of your choice is the fact that you chose it. If, ins going over to Rome, you had turned Plymouth Brother, no doubt you would have had quite a following. Yet where would you, with aJl your influence, now be, but for the working of that very Liberalism in spiritual matters against which you — datoer, er Dag yo ais Rome . You have gone on striving it ** x q ears.” But sw ou had succeeded in confuting that same i sede half a century ago. You would have effectually prevented Catholic Eman- cipation. Would there then have arisen any. Tractarian Oxford ovement? Would you ever have written Tract No. 90? Is it probable that you would have stuck tight to the “ City of Confu- sion” ? At this moment might you not be Archbishop of CanTER- BURY—successor of St. Augustine in that see, instead of su his namesake at Hippo in partibus infidelium ? of | Navy

When Christianity was, in your young days, as you say, “‘ the law of the land,” was it not the Christianity of the Church by Law Established, and as defined by Parson Thwackum ? Your ee is a Cardinal who has the courage of his opinions. Mr. Danwtn’s Theory of ‘‘ Development” is not exactly yours. Neverthe with regard to sects, if not to species, are you not sufficiently well assured that the struggle for existence will result in the survival of the fittest? May you live to see it!

ENGLAND’S REAL DANGER. SENSATION SCENE FROM LORD R-B-T M-N-T-G-U’S GRAND CONSTITU- TIONAL DRAMA, ‘‘ ROTTEN AT THE CORE.” Scene—A Secret Chamber in Downing Street. Cabinet Ministers discovered, in midnight conclave, cloaked and masked. The Prime Minister (referring to evening paper). Yes, Gentle- men, we are unearthed at last ; and our hours, “as an illegal body, assembled in violation of e law,” are numbered. But we ill die hard. At daybreak | m the Bolivian Con- will call u sul- and conclude on more secret treaty for my own amusement, before I am ‘‘ dis- solved.” The Lord President. Nobly de- termined! Y I am not prepared easily to yield my au- thority in the Cabinet. (Zhrows back his cloak, and displays a belt packed with revolvers.) The spirit of Danny is still alive here!” The Lord Chancellor. It is pleasant to one who has passed, as I have, a long career in official crime, to note that you, too, are repared to meet argument by Tron. [Shakes his hand warmiy. Lord Privy Seal (producing the insignia of his office). But if there is to be no more chicanery, what 4 am I do with this? mi < The Home Secretary. Take it \s to ATTENBOROUGH’s. If you are «) convicted, I will square the mat- ter. Take it all in all, we have ~ had a good time of it. Postmaster - General (grimly). We have. There’s not a Chief of Police in Eu who has had so much tampering with gum and hot water as I. I shall miss my ae my te pry. And that reminds me, how are we off for money ? The Chancellor of the Exchequer. Fairly. 1 have brought all the See in tare peeps bape,” (apa gull en tate) top Wie come. more in two carpet . 8 on e . some- thing to be able to renew your bills ¢ a crisis, after all. . Indian Secretary. Excellent. Why, Lytrow doesn’t remit us sums than this. By the way, what do you say to winding up a few more frontier wars ? Colenial Secretary. Nothing could be better, I’m game to a brace to-morrow myself. (Z'urning to the War Secretary.) pose I can have a corps d’armée or two ? War Secretary. Certainly, if you'll ay handsomely for them, and — ber yours truly (bows). ill anybody find him the money irst Lord of the Admiralty. 1 will, with pleasure, out of the Estimates. I should like to go out with one good downright job. There'll be a little consideration, of course? President of the Board of Trade. Certainly. You shall take it out in poste for your relatives. Leavethattome. Is there any more Force Bversaerye Wething ing that I know of. I : re al 4 ow of. I suppose you are a open to that little doucewr from the Prince of Monaco? I'll sen you your several shares. Shall [Takes up a dark lantern. The rest nen tan te enaet t let us descend the stairs % u us descen e cau- ! I notice Lord Ropert Mowtaev and tiously, for we are watched. : nteme A Members of the Pri er eae lurking behind the adjacent { descend to mysterious music as the Curtain falls. wi : ring sup- Softly, then!

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4 4 5 a & ce * Bs. | | | | | | | | It’s rayther up to | And a dead hand at | Which their “* Ohs!” and “ Ahs | Along o’ their queer blunders. 234 PU NCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 24, 1879, i , j a SAA SS S tS J-. , sek “LUCUS A NON.” &ec. (AIMING DRILL.) Musketry Instructor. “‘ Now, THEN! How po you ’xpect To skE THE HopseEcT HAIMED AT, IF YOU DON’T KEEP YOUR HEYE CLOSED ?”’ POLICEMAN “A” ON POPULAR ART. Royal Academy Constable loquitur. | Yes—picturs 7s peculiar. I’ve seen a tidy few, All in the way of business. Well—I don’t care if I do— Though I’m no erickit, there ain’t much but what I’ve seen and heard, And if you want my views of Art I’ll tell you like a bird. Do I think the people like it? Well, now there you’re asking wide. They faney that they do, you know, and there we’ll let it slide. A young ’un rayther es believe in tackling his first weed, But knowing ’tis the thing to like, in time he may sueceed. There ’s lots of make-believe about. Bless yer, I’ve heard remarks From ate lips, on pictures, as you ’d think was meant for larks ; And Ym seen your reglar knowing gents a-waggling their eye- glasses, And laying down the law like fun, as you might take for asses, But, you see, this Art’s a fake As isn’t A.B.C. to folks of ordinary make. rumminess, is Art, in many ways, me J what I think they a eraze,— That flock-togethery sort of fad which seizes men in lots, it may be forrin postage-stamps, it may be chaney pots ; They don’t half understand it, and, what’s more, Sir, seldom want, But they gush about it hot as soup, in a sort of stylish cant, * ** preciouses! ”’ and “ love- lys!”* and the rest, | Would make you think each beating heart was bustin’ from its breast. | Lor’! I’ve seen ’em serouging round what’s called “ the picture of the year ”— It’s mostly something awful Swell, or else pertikler queer— And if I could tell you half I’ve heard while keeping of em moving, | You’d wonder what some of ’em by all their eager shoving. You see Art fogs a lot of them ain’t a doubt of that— But there isn’t very many likes to own it plump and flat. It’s quite the thing to have a taste, while puzzlement’s bad form, | So they peeps and peeks and potters, and they gushes soft and warm, Think mouldy faces quite the cheese, and moony eyes divine, And wulgarisms lovely,—if they ’re hung upon the line. Bless you, the Public ’s a queer set, they don’t care where they ’re led, So long as him as marshals ’em has a swell figger-head. You work the horacle to-tene, and simply peg away, And you can make the world believe most anything you say. You see a landscape, or a girl . pe know what ’s what at once, You don’t go asking which to li e, unless you are a dunce. If someone swears your taste ’s all wrong, you ups, Sir, and says you, ‘*‘ Humbug!” And then you tells the chap what he may go and do, Namely, be blowed. But when it comes to canvas, oh dear me! I do essure you, Sir, it’s quite another cup o’ tea. That ’s where Art rumminess comes in, and parties lose their pluck, And lean on one another’s minds, and end in getting stuck. It’s like eating what the swells calls caviar— ‘‘ Eugh!” says you, “It’s blessed beastly ; yet I s’pose I ought to like it, too! ” And so you taste and taste again, and swear it’s really prime, Although, perhaps, your stomach goes agen it all the time. That ’s just how people who have eyes are got to make believe That gogglesomeness makes the charm of Wenus or of Eve ; That mud and mist are lovely things, and only licked by fog ; That there ’s worlds of hidden beauty in a bull’s-eye in a bog ; That there is something sweet in smudge, or divine in doleful dump;, n pon can see, with half an eye, they're simply off their chumps. However, Sir if ’twasn’t for yer make-believe and fad, I do believe that, after all, Art wouldn’t be half bad. I’m not a blooming Philistine—that ’s what the learned Nobs Call duffers as ain’t got no taste and likes to spend their bobs On something solid—not at all. But this I’ll tell you flat, I don’t believe that fudged-up tastes are worth—well, no, not that / Purtended partiality for all that’s rum and queer Don’t do no good, and #¢ won’t draw the Briton from his beer. White lies and lackadaisy make a sickly sort 0’ swill ; Honest four-’arf ’s a king to it.— Well, yes, I think TI will. A Warm Wetcomz to May.—Keeping up Fires till June.

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~ ————— ‘A FELLOW-FEELING ! ” Farmer Gires. ‘* WELL, SQUIRE, I’VE DONE MY BEST WITH THE FARM, BUT I CAN'T PAY MY WAY ANY LONGER!” Squire. “‘ IN THAT CASE, MR. GILES, NO MORE CAN I! SO THE SOONER WE LAY OUR HEADS TOGETHER r~

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May 24, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 237 THE CRUTCH AND TOOTH-PICK CHRONICLE. (Vor Btallorwm for 1885.) HB Inter - University Boat Race will this year be towed over a course measuring five hundred yards. The ecompetin crews will be increa to twenty-four in each boat, the coxswai will be ye wi lounges, the strokes with armchairs, and the rest of the crews with air-cushions. The failute of the fayourite to win the last Military Steeple- chace is attributed the languid conduct of his rider. Captain Drowsy was leadi until within a score paces from the Judge’s chair, when he off to sleep, and con- sequently came ta grist at the last flight of ne, ait an - TOW Ma will not bo played thie gene | a two Elevens cannot be got together from the two schoo Asa in the weather forecast for July, the Rifle Mee at Wi has been indefinitely postponed. On of the production of the new Comedy at the Nil- Admirari Theatre, the stalls were all occupied by the Members of the Breakfast Club. The Secretary was present, and, a the members whenever he considered it advisable } indolge in a stile. By permission of H.R.H. the Field Marshal Commanding tin Ciiet, Subalterns attending the monthly morning drill at Aldershot will be allowed to parasols on ’ _A new ‘Society Paper” enti Simper is on the eve of produd- tion, A oh of its space will be devoted to the consideration of the proper height and form of shirt-collars. The hour for the Honse dinner at the Junior Service Club has been changed, by special request, from 11°30 Pp... to 2 A. Ministers After negotiations extendin over several years, the bers of seventeen of the more fashionable Clubs have decided Na0d, ottering a reward of a silver crutch and gold toothpick in a jew étui to anyone who will invent a process for getting through the day without any effort whatever, mental or muscular. B. AND C, (Or, Home-Rvutz Iw Inp1a.) Downing Street. Lord B, discovered. Enter to him Lord ©. B. Well, C., what is it? You See bs P Ve Another troublewme ‘Mas her Detiitetions—about B. Tip ’em some em, when we’ve *ve Say we'll do what we can for Frontier? af right, up Working Men’s Meetings afainst them, . ita + awkward—with . General ry in be wind... and not a year to run, do W we . a pause, roan immediate reduction, ur wel the moment we can afford it. C. But we can’t afford it. At this moment we don’t khow where to turn for a shilling. B. Go into the me and borrow. Money’s a drug. India rim iely the worst of it. She has borrowed till sh Oe 8 the worst of it. @ can’t pay. B. Solvitur ambulando. her go on a C. I’m afraid those Council fogies taking taxes off with one hand, and borrowing with the other. I know ’em. B. The less reason you should ask their advice. They ’re not used to being consulted on High Policy. What did they know of our ous compte bringing over those seven thousand black fellows fever sce their way to| to O C. Bat the Viczroy’s Council? They're safe to be against us— tooth and B. Then nails, There’s a clause ’em by Executive Order at least there ought to be. . . . In is. this case they ’d say it was against the spirit A take his stand on its letter. it he first went out he committed himself to these B. A man should never commit himself. Luckily, a States- cam guage his mind, Let him repudiate his own ‘ musty Ases you know, the House has declared against repeal. Bs. e House! TT spelen for the House , . . but it can’t be allowed to stand in way of ty Policy. C. We shall have all the Press against us, Home and Native. And then the Bazaars ? B. bag pe gy Soho and all? My dear C! And the Lowther Arcade, I suppose? You know - of Home Interests and Indian Interests will selves, ¢ ae “J eatin to ime” 4 : . - Isacry; notapolicy. Justice e people out there are not used to it. They won't tek, They ’ll oaly saat “it was written on their foreheads.” I wish le here were as easily managed. But they ’re . Wire to Lyrroy. Total and immediate repeal. My_ love to the Manchester men. Good morning. (Exit C.) A spoke in your Lancashire wheel, Mr. Juventus Mundi, The Bazaars ! our cue. Take e care of them- AN ILL-STARRED IRONCLAD, A which nobody yet appears to have asked, may be to some minds by the career of that unfortunate vessel, 2 Iron Duke. Christened after the no less well-omened than well-conducted Duke of Weiiuveton, she quite contravenes Mr. Shandy’s of names. The Iron ad scarcely got afloat before she ran into and sank the Vanguard. It is said that, since serious imperfections have been discovered in her machinery. > was out of co for a time, then re-commissioned, and 1 hed, as a fing-ship, to the Chinese waters, where she lately fot somew near Shanghai. This run of ill-luck may y the ngeny, which would once have occurred to as the [ron Duke launched on a Friday? Is there val Member of either House of Parliament old salt enough question to the Admiralty? It would be quite as wise as the interrogatories occasionally addressed by Members to ho to pu some PETITS POIS A LA PELERIN. Tue following telegram, dated May 11, was wired the other day from Paris :— “The French pilgrims arrived at Loretto to-day.’’ And is Loretto looking u asain, really-—Loretto, that seemed to have been quite snuffed Sat be Salette and Lourdes? Little, if ony ing, had heard of Loretto since a legend of that sanctuary, T ims and the Peas, was immortalised by Peter Pindar. As belonging to a nation commonly up to cookery, it may be pre- sumed that ‘none of the ag oye who have lately travelled from France to forgot to boil their peas before starting. Horsefiesh v. Humanity. It is that the forthcoming Horse Show at the Agricul- tural Hall include an additional formed of Arabs. These, otf be all noble animals, The Street Arabs, in the mena, will remain outsiders, in possession of their own Arabia of the slums. Wuten 1s 1r?—Fast or Feast (for a High Commissioner)? His Natal day. Cuanor OF Nawe.—A party called Browne—from Valentine RSON, Tite Heavrest Horrbay Tasx.—To get through a wet Bank Holiday, A Savace Game (that wants limiting).—Zoo-Loo,

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J

May 24, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CAROL BY A COAL MERCHANT. | AA \ Merry May as Christmas cold ! HL | Thunder, lightning, hail and rain! HUCHOP 3) Still I’m happy to behold | 1) A Pointing North and East the vane. |PIASTEAKS For the wind that keen and chill Blows, whichever way it be, If it blow my neighbours ill, Bloweth precious good to me. From uy J/iusreann’s/ Repps AND Sarswet, o’er the way, Linendrapers, did not well Spring stocks in so soon to lay— To miss a sale and mourn a sell. Winter goods are still the wear, As in time of frost and snow. In their furs and wraps, the Fair, Warmly muffled, wisely go! - od ‘ ; , \ i| —=S= Shoot the scuttle on the fire, : ~ i ‘ = — ' Wh, / fSnE’s GOOD AT FLATTERING PROrLe, 1 On pEaR, xno!

Fast of coals use up your store ; ' SS Then, since more you will require, >" “il <= At my wharf apply for more. A GAN SmytTPF.”—‘*InpEFp! Let insensate miners strike, Vv if f Free to work their foolish will ; , | Coals, at whate’er price I like, 4 fi =, lt f ino 2 1 NOTHING LIKE GAS. | Tue following in the Times seems only natural :— 4 \ “Mr. C. Woopatt, Engineer of the Phoenix Gas-Light Com- VLU IS Arr 7 Sidin ile JY J any, writes respecting our abstract of his evidence before the pla a ) Belect Committee of the House of Commons,—‘ I am represented ; — ~~ to have ‘admitted the superiority of Electricity for lighting small areas.” Such an admission would have been directly opposed to fact and my own experience, and was never made by me. I know of no place, large or small, that would not be better and more cheaply lighted by Gas than by any application of Electricity at present available.’’’

—~ oe SS . * ~ ’ 7 V/ —**Sur’s a Mrs, Capo

F Enci ‘ Ges-Lisht C : EASIER SAID THAN DONE.” eadtieas eqalitieal baiten tans tne’ ~ Adlon naar oni Stout Traveller (in the Eastern Counties), *‘ My LAD—WHICH 16 THE— QUICKEST whatsoever, large or small. Anything like Gas As| WAY—¥oR ME TO GET TO THE Sration?” * . . . . on . 9 % ’ well im: gine a currier acknowledging anythingy like Street Arab, ‘* Ww’ RUN BO"! TH’ ELSE YEOW ’LL SARTAIN’Y Lewse TH’ TR'INE ! leather . | TuEeRe Goo TH’ Bett!!”

, Z It is a marvellous tribute to the artist, M. Grr-Naza, to say that ~UR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. the apectahers, Parisians who go to a theatre pour eamuser, r se , : “lig , ; . istraire, an t easi ted scandali a (In Paris, at the Ambiguous Comic, to see L Assommorr.) ste a ‘euapiitation. ~ ys cmpaitel ts his ‘aon in the Eighth Sir,—Taking advantage of the first promise of Spring, I went to| Tableau—when Coupeau returns from the hépital oF gpa it represent you, Sir, in Paris, where, on Sunday, the 11th, everybody, | was some seconds—it seemed minutes—before we could summon up following my excellent example, was abroad, and all Paris endi-| sufficient courage to regard steadily that hideous mask of a face, manché was enjoying itself in the Elysian Fields, crowding the | that blotchy, ape-like caricature of what the man had once been ; ry mage and refreshing itself in view of the little Niagara in | those fearfully wild, staring, wandering eyes, that mad-looking, e Bois. , ; rough, unkempt hair, those nervous, trembling hands, and the I stood in sore need of this picking up, for on the previous night 1 | twitching, restless movements of the whole body. Ah! it was had assisted at the hundred-and-twelfth representation of L’Assom- | wond —it' was fearful,—it was admirable,—it was awful,—it moir. By this time every novel-reader is acquainted with M. Zona’s| was infernal. I am under its influence now; it is'a nightmare I roman, which Messrs. Brusnacn and Gastrygau have dramatised. | cannot shake off all at once. I had been told that there was so much in it of a slang peculiar to e ad ° French ouvriers and rédeurs de la barriére, as to render the dialogue| Nothing would do but asterisks. almost unintelligible to any but a thorough Parisian. This, how-| As for the performance all round, it is simply perfect. There is ever, is not the case. Anyone familiar with Ganorrav’s novels will | not a fault anywhere. The piece is too long, a & spite of the find ee puzzle him in the drama of L’ Assommoir, whatever | best acting I have ever seen in any drama, the Sixth Tableau drags, there may be in the novel, which I have not read. and would be all the better for cutting. Not that we want any less _T’ Assommoir is not so much a drama, as a series of dramatic | of Coupeau, but some of the other parts might be coupés. pictures strung together by the strong personal interest felt for each| How L’ Assommoir, as it is, can ever be done in English, I cannot of the principal characters. understand. It is essentially French, absolutely requiring French The audience is never once intrigué by any subtlety of plot, but, | actors, representing all the actions and manners characteristic of the from the commencement, our pathies are enlisted for the unhappy suabt diana and of a class still lower, with a French audience, heroine—admirably played by Mme. Hékwe Petrt—and our interest | including crowded upper circles and gallery, thoroughly capable of in the fate of the chief dramatis persone is in proportion to the | criticising and appreciating the performance. development of their individual character. I am now speaking mainly of the comic element in the piece. As far as ‘* plot” goes, I may safely say, that, with the exception | There is the difficulty. The Sensation Scene of the fall from the of the two final Tableaux, any one of the Acts, seen by itself, would remy | the realistic scenes of the Lavoir, and L’ Assommoir at once convey what must necessarily have preceded it. itself, wi , rene enough to attract an English audience. The Eighth Tableau stands alone as the most marvellously acted, | But who here, or anywhere out of Paris, can attempt to imitate most hideously repulsive, and, on account of the extraordinary force | inimitable imitators? Who on the English Stage can bly re- of the actor’s art, most sickeningly revolting scene I have ever seen| produce the incomparable ‘‘ Mes-Bottes,” with his “‘ quest le on any stage. In fact, nothing that I remember approaches it. pain?” as played by M. Dartiy, who must have studied it from

Z Z « | =| * - 4 © ~ - ~ c < = * - 2 = 7 - RY] - o ‘4 * < = e . * 2 , = < elie ea I ke ¥ THICK !’* + dane. ” HATRED WoMAN TALKING TO MY HUSBAND ON THE O1TOMAN ? AND KNOWS HOW TO LAY IT ON FRETO **Wuo’s THAT FRIZZLY BLACK- Seow @AW 4

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Rae mth Se ae Cl ek ae Dede. comma is Ss es a = NN ee SER aes 240 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 24, 1879, Les Ta wondert the life. The same insuperable difficulty must arise with the other two comic characters, MM. Covrrts and Movesrav, who play respectively Bec-Salé and Bibi-la-Grillade, And if their antics, their capers, their genuine drollery, which seem so thoroughly natural, so utterly unforced, could be reproduced at a London theatre with Chinese fidelity, would our Pit and Gallery appreciate and enjoy theirfun? I doubt it. [ am curious to see what Mr. Coartes Reape will do with it at the Princess’s, and, as it is said that he has not adapted the story to London life, but has left it where he the actors have undertaken a task w utmost. For my part—that is, in my the piece, and so should avoid help thinking, that, as the story Groner Crurkenanng, if L’A Life, where equivalents for all the found, it would have given any take up the a fine nous, by betpgas & adorning a tale with some writing, and for filling bis pocket with well-earned nightly returns. The moral to most of these who L’ Assommow was, “1 say! Dash it! and drink!” And the fi will tax their powers to the for I am not going to play in of “my part ”’—I cannot the same as The Bottle of the other evening, at %s too horrible! Let ’s go iggest drink I’ve had for a long time— much needed, I do assure you—was after seeing L’ Assommoir. Of other pieces, and of the Paris I have not now time to write at length ; but this I cam say, sincerity, that some of the worst pictures I’ve ever seen are to be found at this moment in the Salon, and gome of the I’ve ever seen, even in Paris, is to be found just now at the Vaudeville, where are playing a plotless, undramatic, conv comedy, by N DIWET, , in which, by way, the actresses wear such as will probably draw the towm, in spife of the piece itself being only a succés douteuxz. Who pays for these cos- tumes ? ey are essential to piece, and ore, I su Bose, are found by the Management. ere are three Acts, and on ady has a different costume, equally startling and , for each Act. | The first is a aaa gente dress, the second a -dress, and the orr third a morning dress eceiving and paying a visit. The comedy- acting could not be surpassed at the Francais ; and if the piece has a run, it will be emtirely due to the admirable way in which these finished comedians succeed in doing nothing, and making it in- teresting—or at least amusing—without any apparent effort, and | also to the curiosity of the outside world to come and see the | ever, costumes. And so I returned once more to my native home, and am now, as Your REPRESENTATIVE. N.B.—The Stage management of LZ’ Assommoir at the Ambigu is | worthy of the highest praise, specially when dealing with crowds, | and the movements of subordinates during the speeches and actions of the principals. It is to be remarked, also—though not as a start- ling exception—how the eruel, heartless line which brings down the curtain on the drunkard’s death—I mean “ Bah! un ivrogne de moins !”—is given to a character of v third-rate importance in the piece; and so with the “ tag” ‘which is pronounced by the croque-mort Ba , @ very minor part, as, with quite a professional instinet, he lifts the body of poor Gerraise, and says, ‘‘ Je wld quérie du matheur . . . . Fais dodo, ma belle!” But there was a perceptible shudder, and a sigh throughout the house, at these last words. By the way, what to me was a novelty in Paris, was, that, after the end of every Act there was ‘‘a call,” the curtain rose, and the | principals bowed their acknowledgments. Surely, surely, this is an innovation—adapted from the English—eh ? Ambigu-Comaque! What a lovely name for a theatre! Mr. | Tooe intends starting a new one. Let him call it “ The Ambiguous Comic.” Good direction forCabmen. But it is indeed ambiguously | comic when it has such a drama as L’ Assommoir. | combine the contradictory Taxation Made Easy. Tur Chinese system of taxation includes a tax on imports, called Li-kin. This, originally a war-tax, now become a source of ordinary revenue. i-kin is an im which, if Protectionist, appears to be ar. Naturally. Every one to his Li-kin. 8 Conrucrus said. The Chinese tax-payer cannot dislike his Li-kin. What fun it would be if Sir Starrorp Norrucore could devise a tax as agreeable for Jonn Bunt! If Mr. Buxx onee had, say, a Li-kin for an Income-tax, that obnoxious tribute would, for the first time, of @ pleasure and a duty. Toast ror 4 Temperance Banevet.— Phyllozera and Oidium.” it, in Paris, I am afraid | . JANUARY AND MAY (NEW VERSION). A SEASONABLE ECLOGUE. ScenE—Out-in-the-Cold. Enter January and May, meeting. January. Give you day! Are = indeed young May May. 1am; and you, me- thinks, old J ety. January. Shouldn’t have You ‘re not looking gay. | May. Oh,a young maiden’s moods are apt to vary. January. From smiles to tears; but you look touched with frosts. And, bless my heart, how very blue your nose is! May. t is no news. I know it to my cost. North-easters will pro- duce such ecchymosis. January. North - easters ? Well, I did not know that you Were ever plagued by Boreas or Eurus. May. Oh, bless you, yes; and ice, and snow, an storms too. I feel just now as frosty as Arcturus. 1 thought you Flora’s favourite, The herald blest of all that bland and bright is. May. Hum! yes. But Flora’s not in form, not quite ; In fact she ’s laid up with a bad bronchitis. January. Phebus! how funny! May. Do not mention him. He’s cut me dead, the inconstant base deceiver ! January. Nay, do not weep; twill make those blue eyes dim. May. Weep? Oh, that’s influenza. January. Pray sniff my Alkaram. May. Thank you so much. January. Not quite so sweet as hawthorn-blossom, is it ? May. Pray don’t allude to that. It gives me such A heart-ache. I’ve seen none. January. Well, well, your visit Will wake the vernal influences. May. 3 I’m not quite sure at present what they are, Sir. I fear that they are frost, and hail, and snow, Bronchitis, influenza, and catarrh, Sir. January. Dear me! You quite surprise me! Oh, I say, You’re all a-shiver! Pray put on my Ulster. May. Thanks! that is nice! But what a garb for May! Oh, for one shaft of sun to make my pulse stir, And check my—well, my chilblains. January. Ah, indeed, Bare feet invite them in this shocking weather. May. But then my réle’s to ng the flowery mead, oi a January. How strange ! Or hay-fever ? And fancy doing that in laced-up leather ! What would the poets say ? January. Well, as to that, I think they ’ve bubbled us too long already. Flora in highlows and an oilskin hat—— or May. Now, don’t be dreadful ! [Shows symptoms of fainting. January (solicitously). Steady, Ma’am, pray steady! anon my arm. There, there! Those bards, you see, Have pictured us as typical disparities. But I’ve a notion that we should agree. You see we have so many similarities. May. 1’m sure you are most kind. A very nice, Dear, cosy, comfortable sort of body. January. 1’m flattered. But your lips are just like ice, Let’s go and have a nip of whiskey toddy! ( Breunt together with bibulous intentions—and small blame to ’em either. ApvantTacrovus Excnance ror tHe Vatican.—A New Man for an Old Hat. | PLEADERS IN THEIR OWN Caws.—The Rooks in Gray’s Inn Gardens. @@ To Cogessrowpants.-- The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, of for Contributions, In no case can these be retwrwed unless accompanied by« stamped and directed envelope Copies should be kept.

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May 31, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | 241 PUNCH’S ESSENCE N the Lords (Mon- day, May 19), | ; Viscount Cran- se BROOK informed their, Lordships that he ,;| had | sort received intelligence that the bases of with the Ameer had bean agrees upon. eers—and no wonder. O si sic omnia! I STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL was delivered of a ponderously painful argument that, under the 22nd Article of the Berlin Treaty, the Russians had stolen three months’ march on England and Europe. He asked for correspondence. Quoth Lord Sarissury— “Occupation ain't evacuation ; The Turkish roads are bad ; Lord Stratuepen & C. he bothers me, And his prosing drives me mad.”’ As to correspondence—there was none. ‘‘ Oi il n'y a rien, Lord 8. et C. perd ses droits.” Lord GRawvILLE thought Her Majesty's Government had done well to give Russia ‘‘ a long day,” though he read the 22nd Article like Lord CaMPBELL. (As did Punch, and ninety-nine out of every hundred who read it at all. But Treaties may be loose, and yet tight enough to secure ‘* Peace with Honour.”’) Lord Truro very much to the point on ‘‘ Our Boys” —not Brnon’s play, but the British Army. Of the “ force” sent to South Africa, one-third was age, and not one non-commissioned officer over four-and-twenty. To make up even this ‘ force,” we had had to lrain regiments at home, till some were bled down to 200 rank and file, and one of our most important forts was left with half-a-dozen men at their posts—like the House of Commons on an Indian Budget night. He wanted investigation, and more power to call Reserve men to the colours. Bury deprecated exaggeration, and promised inquiry. We had a Reserve of 58,000 men, all seatiel Tod they could not be | OF PARLIAMENT. QESBVEK c \ \\ AN \\ \\ \ called out, the Law Officers advised, till a great national emergency was proclaimed by Parliament, or, in the absence of Parliament, by Order in Council. Then our linked battalions had given way at the first pull, and we found ourselves without files at home to fill up ranks abroad, and had to patch the holes with Volunteers “ of 8 H.R.H. the Duke of Camsriper spoke in his usual candid but rather helpless fashion. We ought to have as many regiments abroad as at home, but we haven’t—not by 15. Short service means bad seasoning. (As large interest means bad security.) We ought to have power to draw on the Reserves when we want ’em, but we haven’t. We, at the Office, don’t like patchwork, but we can’t help ourselves. If you want a better Army, you’must pay forit. But ou don’t like that. No more do we. e do our best. If bad’s the , what can anybody do better ? Lords Lanspowne, Cransroox, and CarpweL. spoke sensibly ; admitting that things weren’t as they should be, but that they weren’t quite as bad as they seemed. The new system had not had a fair trial, so must not be condemned off-hand. Short Service meant oung soldiers; but better young hands with the colours and old ands in the Reserves, if only we had the power to get the Reserves back to the ranks at a pinch. ** J. B. wants little force to show, But wants that little strong.’’ The Lords’ talk to-night was much to the purpose. ; Everybody seems agreed in what direction amendment is to be tried, so let us ne improvement will come of trying. _ (Commons.)—Mr. Macartngy complained of the pelting of Pro- testant Mission-teachers by Roman Catholic mobs at Clifden. Messrs. MitcHEeLi.-Hewry, Cartan, SvLiivan, O’DowweLt, and Major Notaw complained of Irish Protestant Missioners insulting Roman Catholic beliefs, and fishing for Roman Catholic children Mr. J. Lowrneg said ti with old clothes and so » overnment couldn’t prevent prosslytising by alms—spelt with an ‘“‘L.” But that did not warrant persecution VOL. LXXVI. Y = SR aa te

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> sich Mehitin Slinde aati 1 {May 31, 1879, a y \ Wa i| THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE. Jones (newly married, to his bachelor friends Brown and Robinson). ‘‘ No, 17’s Not YouTH, NoR BEAUTY, NOR WEALTH, NoR Rav, THAT A SENSIBLE MAN SHOULD LOOK FoR IN A Wire. I1T’s Common SENSE, UNITED TO EXPERIENCE OF LIFE; AND STEDFASTNESS i ‘e" et NRT Pte Ov AW a | ayh i] na i} or PURPOSE, COMBINED WITH A DEEP THOUGH BY NO MEANS UNPRACTICAL SENSE OF THE FLEETING NATURE OF HUMAN EXISTENCE ON THIS——” Re-enter Mrs, Jones, suddenly. “‘1’m’ soRRY TO DISTURB YOU, My LOVE, BUT IT’S GETTING LATE, AND YOU HAVE AN EARLY APPOINTMENT IN TOWN TO-MORROW WITH THE CONSULTING PHYSICIAN OF THE—AHEM!—oF THAT Lirz INSURANCE COMPANY, YOU KNow.”’ [ Taking the hint, Brown and Robinson depart, each framing a desperate resolve that he will throw himself away on the first good-looking young Heiress of Title he happens to meet. by arms—spelt with an ‘‘R.” (Rather neat for J. L.) They meant to 4 the peace, without reference to the faith of those who broke it. Mr. NeEwpDEGATE raised — for the second time of raising this Session—the Ghost of Protection, under the plea of a Motion to require the assent of the House to all the Treaties affecting Finance. He argued against the Commercial Treaty with France. It was framed twenty years ago, in anticipation that commerce, all the world over, was about to dance to the tune of Reciprocity. But the world had preferred the old tune of Protection. Hine tlie lacryme. Hence Joun Buttx’s distresses. Bismarck was no fool; and if he gave his voice for ‘‘ Protection,” the House might depend there was something in it. He hoped if we renewed the Commercial Treaty with France, it would be with France only,—no more ‘ most favoured nation ’’ nonsense. Sir Witrrm Lawson named the new Trinity of Protection,— “Prince Bismarck, Lord Bareman, and Macrver,’”—and took a lively little caper over the foreign policy of the Government, to an accompaniment of ‘‘ Question.” He seconded Mr. NewprcarTe, be- cause he thought if the House had its say it would tend to keep the Government out of messes. Mr. Macrver blew the old Protection trumpet lustily and loud, after his wont. If trumpets could bring down the walls of the Free Trade fortress, the Member for Birkenhead might hope to be its Joshua. Luckily, lights are needed as well as trumpets. Taking a leaf out of Sir Wrtrrrp’s jest-book, Mr. M. favoured the House with an epitaph on Jonyn Bricut, “‘ Estimable in all the rela- tions of private life, he gave us sour claret cheap, and ruined the | weavers of Coventry.” ‘‘ Abuse,” he reminded the House, “is no | answer,”’—nor (Mr. Punch would remind Mr. Mactver), is stale sophism, a thousand times confuted, argument. r. Bourke gave the figures which show that our trade with the Treaty countries had about doubled between 1859 to 1876, while with the non-Treaty countries, Russia, Spain, and Portugal, it had dimi- nished. If the Treaty with France were to lapse, we should be 20 per cent. poorer all round. The more such questions were discussed in the House the better. Punch for once says ditto to Mr. Bourke. ‘* Magna est veritas,” Mr. Mactver, “et prevalebit.” A bad look- out for Protection. Tuesday (Lords).—Their Lordships had a little Irish row of their own—with all the usual accompaniments of that ‘“‘divarsion,” contradictions, cross-purposes, wild hitting, and wilder countering —over Lord Bretmore’s little Bill to make tenant-nght pleadable in Ulster, even in cases of leasehold. The Judges had differed. The Bill was negatived without a division, amidst general con- fusion—after such a lively scrimmage as my Lords seldom have the chance of. The Duke of Rurtanp tried to “ draw” Lord B. with the report of a Huddersfield manufacturers’ meeting, dilating on distress, and recommending moderate import duties, those on food rey . Lorp BEAconsFIELD repeated his ‘‘ swashing blow” to Protection. We had only twenty-two articles in our tariff. We had thirty-eight ‘* most favoured nation” Commercial Treaties; so that anything we gave one country, we must give thirty-seven. What would be the meaning of a Protectionist tariff that excepted food? If the Duke wanted to raise the question between Protection and Free Trade, let him do it with proper notice, and have the matter discussed, ‘‘ as became one of the greatest, weed, and largest subjects (Punch would like to know the difference een “greatest” and ** largest ’’) ‘‘ which could engage their Lordships’ attention.” : (Commons.)—In the morning, two clauses of Army Discipline Bill got through. Mr. Hopwoopn, for P. A. TayLor, tried to put down flogging, but failed, by 259 to 56. Sense and experience are cquinst a cxang

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May 31, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL I>) ah*> Ne \ ) Ye, “Sd , Sx SA r , YR ict . ~~ e \ AQ . > es ’ Sv ASD) * hi » Sy," > — ENCOURAGING! Farmer’s Wife (after a long look), *‘ Now, THat ’on’T BE ANY PLACE HEREABOUTS, I s8’PosE, Sir?!’ J © , which kindness and humanity yearn for. It can’t be done—not yet, not till soldiers have in them less of the child, and less of the brute. We flog both these—as little as ible, but still we flog them. So say all who have practical knowledge of the military machine. We must keep the power of flogging the soldier—letting leose the cat as little as may be, but‘not putting it out of our reach. Mr. MrtcHeti-Henry said asmuch. Whereat Mr. SULLIVAN was savage with him, and gave vent to some highly coloured pictures of the cat and its horrors. Mr. Dopps called attention to the anomalies of the Probate, Legacy, and Succession Duties, and moved a Resolution to substi- tute a uniform duty on personal estate. Mr. Barciay seconded. r. Grecory, shrewd and well-experienced attorney, moved Revision, instead of Abolition; and the Cuancettor of the Ex- CHEQUER agreeing, the House rejected the Motion, by 131 to 59, and accepted the Amendment by 131 to 24, Wednesday.—The O’Connor Don made a bold push for Second Reading of his Irish University Bill. Ireland wanted higher Edu- cation, and money to pay for it. He didn’t care where the money came from, so it came. He named Church Surplus because that seemed the readiest = to dip into. But he wasn’t particular. He’d take anything he could get. Ireland had Universities, it might be said, to which Roman Catholics were free to go. But what use was that, if they wouldn't go to them ? Sir Gxornce CAMPBELL moved his Amendment, barring any sec- tarian application of the Irish Church Surplus. The more he studied the Bill, the less he liked it. It was a cover for the founda- tion of a Roman Catholic University. Lrish Pri Education had become denominational. They wanted to make University Educa- tion denominational too. Let the Irish Roman Catholics rate them- selves for Education, and welcome. But they wouldn’t. They = ee finger in the public purse. They shouldn’t have one if he co it. Lord t Frrzmavrice seconded the Amendment. What was wanted in Ireland was not what would satisfy the Roman Catholics, EPS a es, mg ome V0 Pp palian services. While two secular Universi- | be fairly plead a right to a College with their own discipline and their own services, But it was such a College they had a right to, not a new University, while they had two already. Mr. Kavanaon said the new University would not be sectarian. The Bill asked no more than was just. Mr. McLaren said the Scotch Universities only get £16,000 from the public purse. If the House had given a Million out of the urch Fund year as a sop to Irish agitators, that was no reason they should give another Million and a half now. The Bill was being hustled through the House. Scotch students and pro- fessors paid their own way; this Bill would tip Irish ones by £20, or even £30, £40, or . It was injustice, that Ireland should more of what was gaun than d. Mr. G Harman beg anybody to be brief that wanted the Bill passed instead of ed out, as he did. He believed it was a good and right measure, and would do his best to have it passed. So said Mr. O’Morean, who could not find the cloven hoof of sectarianism from one end of the Bill to the other. ‘‘ Ask why Irish Roman Catholics did not 3 to Trinity College and the Queen’s Colleges? As well ask if Mahommedans did not eat pork.” Ireland wanted a University. Her people contained lots of gold—in the ix. All that was wanted was an ‘Alma Mater” to extract and refine it. Mr. Piunxer spoke effectively from his brief for T. ©. D., the silent sister, who in him so eloquent a tongue. If they were going to touch the Irish Church Surplus, let them think of, those whose surplice-fees had been so rudely curtailed. These result fees would bring £114 a year per This Bill might be better than some that had gone before it, but he wanted more time to consider it, and so did the House. Mr. Saw said the Irish University question must be settled, and the Bill laid down the only lines on which it could be settled. The CHANCELLOR of the Excurquie pleaded for a longer day. The O’Conmnor Dow said he wasn’t particular where the money came from. He, as Cuancetior of the Excurqver, was bound to many difficulties in details, and matters piseo- | in which tho Bill was open to question. They had hardly had time to ask the questions, much more answer them. Ore. ne

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244 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 31, 1879.

Mr. Lowe advised the O’Conwor Dow not to press Second Reading |a given amount of work can be squeezed finto a certain number of now, but was all for the Bill, The University it proposed would be | days. ia ee eS very like the London University as regards government. Sothere| Then to the least injyable feature of ‘‘ Injyable Injia” — its would be no jobs. (Oh, Ropert, toi que j’atme !) They had brought finances. [rish Roman Catholic students to the Secular University waters.| Mr, Srawmore brought forward his Indian Budget, mening the but they refused to drink. Let them give them what they wanted | least of the deficits van the most of the revenue. He that —a reservoir of their own. It would conciliate. That was what we | Government’s balance stood three and a quarter on the all wished. ’ . | wrong side, and they had determined to make both mat, by The brave Dow asked Sir Starrorp to give him a Government day. | reducing expenditure all round. Do what they would, , they The Caancetror of the Excuequer said he would if he could, but | could only cut down a Million—£250,000 out of the Civil Service ;

he couldn’t; and so the Debate was adjourned—doubtful when to | £750,000 out of Public Works. As to Army they were to in- be resumed. quire how much could be saved—and as to Home only Thursday.—The Lords rose out of respect fot Ascension Day. | margin for saving by the 8 ary or State was £275,000. They (Commons.)—In answer to the O’Cornor Dow, Sir Starrorp | meant further to reduce limit of borrowing power from ten Nortucore reviewing the work before the House, showed that | Millions to five. - the Government had only eighteen Mondays and Thursdays at their} Mr. Fawcerr Mr. Latye, and Mr. Griapstowe—the biggest wigs disposal, with twenty-eight Bills to get through, and fourteen not | on Indian Finance—expressed their satisfaction that the régime of read a Second Time! The best chance for his Bill would be to help | economy had set in, and recommended the future of India to its the Government to pass theirs. saving grace. The Irish Members, Mr. Sorirvan at their head, stormed and| Mr. Fawcerr withdrew his Rewiotions, 2s superfluous, in the face grumbled, but there was no help for it. ‘‘ Works and Days” is as| of the Government admission allegations and its anticipation good a title for the House of Commons as for Heston, and only of his recommendations.

a a After the Concert, cakes were handed round by Bunnzg Sine, the INJYABLE INJIA ; Indian confectioner. : 7 OR, NOTES AND SKETCHES OF A SPECIALLY-COMMISSIONED ARTIST. Rt pe ae poy anchath Gautkeaiver cdl ped ord of = =. soit " is rn. an 0 el. ‘ - By FUZZELI PRINCEPS. wine eiees one weak h blocks. On all of them I drew. When * oa a I had finished, Brun Dad—who is known here as ‘‘ The Complete

Cuarrrr X. Letter-Writer,” and one of the richest natives, suspected of having Pickles—Painting—Labels—Sketch--Fallals—Joke—No Bargain— enriched himself through his extrao facility in imitating Afternoon — Concert — Music—Muttra—Cakes— What next — iia —came up and asked me “ what I was going to copy Blocks — Billih — Letter — Copy — Paint — Friendship — New | next?” f course, when he said “‘copy,” he meant “paint Portrait — Big Swell — Tippoo — Situation — Thrilling — Bad , pictures, as all mine are original. But lwasdownonhim. Language— Escape. ” Copy ! I returned. Buta Dx6, my old boy, I’m going to OrpERED a whole box of Injian pickles at Curti1 anp Swatian’s, | “PY YO - “a the great Anglo-Injian pickle merchants. Friends in England can He looked suspiciously er -“ an. ” give me a few commissions for pickles, and they shall have the real He tremble but fers ing to auile. eshea nervously “How?” thing hot and hot. CuHr~i1 anp Swattan have made a fortune. “! How’? T ve ated “Why. by drawing.” , ; Which is better—Pickles or Painting? To quote the Injian proverb,| « On these blocks?” he asked> still em in which there is much truth, ‘* Let who will write the labels, I’) « No cee my old bor, net om these blceks. but es your bank.” sell the pickles.” Anyhow, I would rather write “labels” than He turn d edie and a most fainted “ ** libels.”” My labels will always describe exactly the article within. Eve - » this Brim Dud end uveelf have been em the best And my motto, ‘‘ The greater the Truth the greater the Label.” 7 og ‘Short reckenin s establish length friendshi: Keewled Note.—Commission for CHILLI anp Swattan to do a pictorial :; — ‘* Vide Lee said to BILLIH, slily—‘* vide Copy- Book” advertisement for their new pickle, which is called ‘‘ Our Own Par = le shook . ° Tiklah.” Tere is my sketch for the label or — — quite Invited to paint old Rasa Rat Trppoo ToprEE SvAR Knvssay aie this line I’ve ever “lone, SURWAGGARAH, no end of a blazing swell. He wants his portrait (N.B.— | accident which - “The girls here seem to | #bout to recount and well worth t owe any picture-dealer, live a very Bazaar exist-| ence,” I said to Old Jxs- | WHATIWANT MrisHoy, who chuckled at the jeu de mot. | I am convinced the old | humbug didn’t understand | it—or else was playing me | alse—as he wouldn’t pur- | chase and make it his own or even hire it.

+ | | ** Joke too good for me,” | thing much stronger. Doose Ovr own Par Tixiau. he said, winking slily. is a very mild version indeed. (N.B.—None GEnvIneE UNLESS IN OUR “Let you have it cheap, | In facet, to speak truth, as I own Rare Jan.) MrsHoy,” said I, ready to can now, I never came across 7 , . elench the bargain. “* No, no,” he replied, ‘‘ joke too good. You keep joke all to self. | No want joke me. No, t ’nother joke—own joke. Keep it self.” |

TiIPpPoo Sopen he be And he chuckled and winked till I thought he’d have hada fit. | blowed to him. He’s got __Afternoon.—Concert at Hurtan Saan’s, Rayrmira Doo sang out) ~ the best ictare _I. ever like LaBLacue in his best days. Zenana Sour is one of the brightest | painted in all my life hang- soprani I’ve ever heard. Huttan Suan got it all up himself, and in his gallery, and ex- directed the choir, which consisted of twenty-four choristers dressed | at a rupee a head, in twenty-four sheets. There are always as many as this in Hurian while I got nothing for it, Suan’s choir. Kuan Suven was in excellent voice; and HuLLan ** except,” as Hi says— Batoo Sau, a relation of Huttam Suan’s, came out as triumph-| ‘‘ except my life, except my antly as the last trump in an Injian Rubber. life, except my life.” e only fellow who wasn’t with the entertainment was | As Morrra, who sat apart, and looked as sulky as an elephant that has | i . lost its trunk at a railway station. . . ought to make my reputation

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDOMMVAR * CLEARING ff

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ONDOMMIVARI.—May 31, 1879. “ 4 mh vi “s : ; WY P iif Ve q © ty 2 = where fh POT Wa. Ryan rs. i Mg FOF YG 1 ay Ferg be . AL Nini Yn’ Lae 1 TPES ee : ¥ J \ NNO eRe to * \ t Pe Y VL ALE Z : x os Nasu bd fz 2 ‘ - { fs = — “ - ‘if ; AY aA \ \ ‘ WY yD = ~ N \) x Wa\ \ \\ ~‘ 4a Se fr AS L, a oy ] uy Oy \ ' sig ‘ \ \ Ne PAN \\ N R s v WES ‘ V ‘ ‘\ \ aS NW \\ NY \ .S \\e \y (uh y 7 “

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May 31, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. angen but, as a likeness, I regret to say, I ar allowed ed my natural politences to get "thet better of Fu veracity in Art as ee aint him not only not so black as he y was—the old beast !—but actually to ee him as a agua creature in evening dress. decoré, instead of being a half-clothed, under- bred, vulgar savage, with no more decoré about him than decorum, I give a graphic illustra- tion, which tells its own story. Five hundred guinea doose large sum,” he re ated. No,” I replied ; picture.” ** You pay me sittee ?” he asked. I was up to him, the old rogue. ‘*T couldn’t think of insulting the great Rajah Trppoo Torprre—the tall palm amon all tall trees—by treating him > a model. At this rejoinder he started u ‘* Make ready! Present!” he Nhrieked to the hundred blackgnards. With one action up went a hundred muskets. I was sur- rounded. The word to “fire!” was not yet oe. There was yet time. apital!” I — tending to be immensely pleased @ manceuvre, though m a life hung om a > thread and with “not for such a the sang froid fi ch Iam distinguished, Iwheeled about, and saluted in true Volun- teer and artistic fashion. There is some one belonging to the Old Maidenly Reserves whose motto is ‘* Ready, aye ready! ” And —_ may it be so—until we’re wanted ! rppoo TopPEKeE saw the effect my wey demeanour had on the troops, and proceed: to address me. “You think Trrroo Toprre no jam swell em erties **jam” for the word which he any wee —‘* You think Trrpoo ToPPRE no ofa — You jam fool, Sar! foe tell jam lie! Tell black jam truth, or Guards go jam bang-bang, and thet jolly old jam painter jam well done I at discretion. ‘*Trppoo Toprze not unkind to fool of Painter. Trppoo Toprze sitty man. Tipp ee know value of him jam time. Painter char, five hundred guineas for picture. M al Trepoo charge five thousand to Painter. Painter pay difference, or Guards shoot Painter ; A Tippoo sitty man keep pic- ture as memory of j am sad fate of Painter.” ‘Rajah Trepoo Torrgs,” I said, with all that suaviter in modo whi I so well know |= on occasion how to use—‘‘ Rajah Trppoo, Tuis 1s Mx Privatz Diary Sxerou or Treroo Topper, AND EXACTLY LIKB. yon ae Save Ce icture for nothing. It thall be what you like with. A FORTIORI. Philistine Father. ‘‘ WHY THE DICKENS DON’T YOU PAINT SOMETHING LIKE Fritn’s ‘Dersy Day’—someTuine EVERYBODY CAN UNDERSTAND, AND SoMEBODY BUY!”’ Young Genius. “ EVERYBODY UNDERSTAND, INDEED! ART 18 FOR THE Few, Faruen, AND per HIGHER THE ART, OF COURSE THE FEWER THE Few. THE HIGHEST ART OF ALL 1s FOR Owe. THAT ArT 1s MINE. Toat Ovz 1s—Myseur !”’ Fond . Momma, ‘‘ Tuere SPEAKS my Own Brave Bor!” And a go pot te telling the world what a = ag splendid, gorgeous, kind, beneficent, delightful, powerful inenasih is Rajah TrrPoo ToPPer, pl send everyone "from every wore F to see this picture.” ‘“* Trppoo jam = ae jam pisture, and hold jam tongue.” commands to carry arms, and the old bate i OFS eer Sad ite of ot te ritish pluck, tho wag be handled the Weapen, ghting lt ip, « line with the ead, and then aiming it at different parts of mea AS cause my to shake a little coca sionall ut I held on. I polished under pressure, in three hours, and then i left him Tissiing kamosts like p toeline preserved he was intent on the picture, I stole out. Not one of the Guards dared move. Indeed, having been for two hours in this strained resenting arms, they had be- come as stiff as wax- figures ; “tal oe aA poo ,lopprr’s gun had long since dro from his bands, thee yeepeties & i. I must tell the sequel. e wretched old dns, OT still in the room, and forgetting that his soldiers tama inte dle des of a sq sauare,, ST amet pointing at each other, and the third at himself, suddenly called ow His voice restored pee Obedience with them was a first duty. They fired. The picture was riddled thro aoe — two or three nasty ones—stii ahs, him jump up in air, and turn round several ti may age ip here, w e t do TI ether reel they were all dead men, tumbled down, but finding that they could move with perfect goon, Ce See at the conelusion—which was corroborated on surgical examination—that ‘they not been wounded, The bullets were all found in their turbans. Trepoo Torrze was in bed for a fortnight; and, I am informed, made constant use of the word ‘‘ jam.” I fear tiie letbehs hike Set dons him bitty real good. Crown For THE ConQUEROR IN ovR IstHm1AN Games.—A Bridle Wreath.

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> ad Ze = [= THE HORSE ON THE HILL. ACUTE Wy h — = ——,! —Elt— —- i { | 04 Tir Ne PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 31, 1879 —— Nye i GES ~~ * — a /iu=_= — WABLEY. SAW NRE . VASSAL As by Snvon’s guile and the folly of Ilion er,? Once the colossal charger of wood, as a gift to Athene,§ Into the walls of Troy was drag by hands sui- cidal, Filled full of warriors furnished for fire and armed for destruction— See inthe month of May-Meetingsthe Horse of the Derby, Into Philistic's fortress, suburban Propriety’sstronghold, n ia’s for , subur' 8 0! Dragged with its lading of luncheons, than warriors mightier for mischief— Lobster, and Mayonnaise, Foie-Gras, and Cold Lamb with its S

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May 31, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. poyL . —= oh ‘ke * Vy a ——— CBW Ab, > Lt ——_.~ AN UNFORESEEN MATRIMONIAL CONTINGENCY. Angelina. ‘‘Dip You EVER SEE ANYTHING 80 WONDERFUL AS THE LIKENESS BETWEEN OLD Ma. AND Mas, Betuamy, Epwin? ONE WOULD THINK THEY WERE BROTHER AND SISTER, INSTEAD OF HUSBAND AND WirFeE!”’ Edwin. ““MaRgRizpD PEOPLE ALWAYS GROW LIKE EACH OTHER IN TIME, DARLING, BEHOLD !”? Angelina (not without anxiety). ‘‘ Dear ME! It’s very TovcHING AND BEAUTIFUL TO AND I8 IT INVARIABLY THE CASE, MY Love?” Pommery sec, Ruinart, Perrier Jouet, and Moet and Chandon, Issuing forth in their might to lay the proprieties prostrate, Flooring the Snob and the Swell, with the Rough, and the Cad, and e Coster, UR on the Hill, by the Ropes, in the Furzes—both gentle and simple, All, in the largeness of luncheon, o’er-eaten, o’er-drunken, together. “CLEARING THE COURSE.” “CLEAR it?” By Jove, ’tis a pretty stiff task, And one that some time and much patience will ask. Head-Constable Dizzy Is knowing and busy, ~ And the men at his orders are fussy and ew f And the big force behind them is sturdy and strong ; But was e’er such a rough and recalcitrant throng, So motley a mob, or so much in the way As cumbers the course upon this Derby Day P ** Now, then, you in the fur cap, ’ twere well you stood back ; And you feathered and cow-tailed Zulu, big and brown, Clear out like a shot, or the staff shall come down, And teach you to tread on the Constable’s toes, And the serried array of Ben’s Bobbies oppose. Move on! Clear the Course ! ’?»—— But the strength of ‘‘ The Force,” Will be taxed to the utmost of footman and horse By this crowd of obstructives—a re r block ! From workman in fustian, to yokel in smock,— yim y to strike and to chivey, that pair, if close pressed !— And the troublesome Turk, who inertia likes best, What shall make Aim move on? And Pat, raggéd inrig, As peru as his country’s proverbial pig ; the Muscovite dodger, as stolid as sly ; And the bothering Bulgar, and Greek. with an eye To possible pickings ; and Ismart, all oil, Y i to be spoiled, but to spoil’; of three Continents mustered To-day on the Course, and so crowded and clustered, That clearing the way for the race of the Is a task at which Hercules well might loo! But the race must be run ;! And a way must be won. By hook or by crook, half by force half in fun. , There's the big Derby horse that c ed stables—will he Run at all? In new colours? Be backed ?—We shall see! are screws in the field, roarers touched in the wind, And some, it may be, to whom faiths are now pinned, Pretty safe to break down ere the winnin post’s gai Though backed at long prices and carefull trai: Meanwhile there ’s the to be cleared! They must do it, Bobby Ben, and his men. Let us wish them well through it ! =— Natural Allies. WE understand that Lord Beacowsrretp has handed the Arch- bishop of CanteRBurRY a handsome cheque towards the collection to defray the Rev. Mr. Honrstxy’s costs. His Lordship remarked to His that he admired the man who had shut up one Argyll at least, and only wished he could shut up the other. ear queer. WITH A DIFFERENCE. Puncn finds that in his Essence he has =i fave remembered. one the British Army—Our _— He sho difference— Our Boys ran ; British Army don’t.

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252 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 31, 1879, . a 9 ae ““A WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING.” Old Woman (of the ancient Faith, dropping on her knees). ‘‘ On, YER Riv’RENCE, 1 ME A Buesstn’!” Ritualistie Curate. “‘ AUGH—MY GOOD WoMAN, YOU MISTAKE. NoT OF youR CavRrcH ”?—— Old Woman, “* MusHA, THIN BAD LUCK T’ YE For A DecAlver//” | [Shufles off in great wrath. | | ® : y = ’ “ ' ~ . ~ . . ~ e ~ = » “ee ~ DAN KEARNEY. (A Californian Adaptation.) On, did you ne’er hear of Daw Kearyey, Frisco’s roughs who has led with his blarney, California’s crown Till they ’ve set, upside down, On the beautiful brow of Dan Kearney! While Respectables thought he was dreaming, And pooh-poohed all his Socialist screaming, They find they were crazy To take it so aisy, Now they ’re under the hoof of Dan Kearney! He’s all for the Poor, is Dan Kearney, For the Rich—they may kick or may carney ; They must fork out their tin, And be thankful to win Lave to live ’neath the rule of Daw Kearney! Though they thought his red nose looked so simple, was mischief in every pimple ; Bo now ’s a-top, And the Rich may shut shop, In the illigant realm of Daw Keanyey ! THE HORSE FOR A SWEEP. Ir you plaze, Mr. Punch, affoord me lave to pint out that amung the Hosses enter’d to run fur the Derby, there’s one wi’ the zummut strikun, and pastididlarty Shart andswate. I daresay you |med know why they crissun’d un Zut, I dwooan’t, nor > what colour he’s of, but if black, s’pose a wus called Zut et plezzunt neam o’ Zut. raps along o’ that. ’Cause why the sayun is “‘ As black as Zut.”” Therefoor, if so be as how Zut’s a black ~ un, Zut stands to razon. med be looked w Hoss ” In that case I should zay Zut m as an ixample o’ that there ‘* Dark eK so often rades about in the ‘‘ Prophets.” | With which except the dooty of, Zur, Your most obagiunt Sarvunt to command, Matuer Way. P.S.—Zut ! In the old days, when there wus witehcraft in the land, ’oodn’t a Zut’a ben the sart o’ Hoss for a |old ’’ooman to come ridun upon down the chimley ’stead ’ 1'm—A— | of a broomstick ? PacHyDERMATOUS PEoPLE.—Parties in Pig-skin. A RIDDLE FOR THE RACES. | Wart Horse is he that never stood in loose-box or in stall ; | The Horse that ne’er was fed on hay, to oats or beans did fall ; The Horse that always answers to the whip, and ne’er says *‘ Neigh ;” The Horse that without saddle or bridle steers his way ” The The The Horse whose points and paces no ead e’er yet found out ; Horse that’s unapproachable by tipster and by tout ; Horse ’gainst or for whom the odds ne’er Turfite gave nor took ; | The Horse that ne’er lent sporting scribe a lift towards his book ? | The Horse that wants dumb-jockeying, but needs nor whip nor | The Horse that ’s always in the way, yet ever swift to stir ; | The Horse that ne’er could win the Oaks, nor the Turf’s blue riband = | The Horse that helps to make mare’s nests, but never is a mare ” The Horse that never makes a noise, that glanders cannot kill ; The Horse that never said his prayers, for'-whom Vet. ne’er drew bill ; | The Horse that hath not on all-fours the wherewithal to go— e: What Horse is he? The Bicycle? The Locomotive? No. Cudgel thy brains no more to guess the name of that dark prad; _ But = thou ’rt asked that question next, reply, “ His name is * a He’s the Horse that men call Hobby-Horse, and most men have Fj their own: 7 Ride yours, and I'll ride mine, and each the other leave alone. Atexanper or Barrenperc, Prisce or Buiearia (to judge by his Photos),—A niece young man for a nasty Diplomatic Party. | not strong enough to stan A DUEL DANS DEUX FAUTEUILS. THERE is a fierce fight raging in the French Academy over and between M. Epovarp Oxtrvrer and M. Hewrr Martin. i Martin succeeds M. Tuters as one of the forty, and makes an opportunity to attack the Empire in his ex-officio panegyric of his eco the great reviver and consolidator of the Imperial Legend. M. Oxtrvrer, in his ex-officio reply, makes occasion to attack M. Tuters for not stepping forward to preserve the Empire after it had thrown over M. Ottivrer—the most ill-used of Imperial scape- goats. Viewed through English spectacles, and considering the relations of the parties and persons at war, the conflict, if it must include one of the Martin family, would seem rather to suggest Madame Berry than Monsieur Henri as one of its combatants. A Happy Return. Pouncn’s prayer to the Durham Miners was, “‘ Strike, but hear me!” They Aave heard him, at , and have run down—+.e., cea striking. He begs to congratulate them on their return to reason— the reason even of the st: it, who, strong as they may be, are yet more than a very few weeks’ knocking of their heads against a wall. Nort Untrkety.—Large shoals of porpoises have been seen dis- rting themselves in the Mersey last week. It was s the Pad run in for Protection—at the invitation of the Honourable Member for Birkenhead. Tue Nose ror tHe Turr.—The one with what looks like ‘‘a straight tip,” but is a crooked one. 4@ To Conensronpaunts.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or stamped and directed envelope Sor Contributions, In neo case can these be returned unless accompanied by « ies should be kept.

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Juxe 7, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. YF es p ~~ ss coe a —_ ee _ +94 - ys ae ? D Fa + # onl a -_ ’ & : 4? tier 4 ot tie PF naa — = SD a s pe OO om ae, DERBY DAY. (TIME. 11 A.M.) Swell, from Cotith (loq.). ‘‘ Now, w¥ Maw, vou Must Look SHARP, OR You’LL S#® ROTHING oF THe Race!” Coster. *‘ WHO ARB you A-TALKING TO, Ma. CavtcoH A®p Toornrick! How po you KNow svt WHAT! HAIN’r A-coInNG TO THE Hoaxks/” British advice, and that the AMEER “SCIENTIA DOCET.” 4 shall be supported jo the British . inst pi - (Not @ doubt of it.) 3 a against foreign aggres Scene — Smoking- Room. En- ‘ I like the ring of that. thusiasts discovered discussing First Enthusiast. Rather! It recent Treaty. will give Lyrron a chance if he First Enthusiast. I think it’s nn Hg azaet he about. 4 i uite the biggest thing Dizzy has j i w - ing’s been managed ad- Lae and Set, everything ~> 4, SURE ivd_ Enthusiast. Yes. And a hundred years LA look atthe cost. A mere nothing. Second Enthus (struck with mit . Ay Two or three millions down, and the idea). Ah! dn’t won- Wt i in > ape subsidy of sixty thou- a Be in | the ~ rely Be VS, of Pes Second Pnthusiast. Is that all ? Pishin, and Sine fol dad con, j 2 \ i YY, ALY ee Mere child’s play. What's a trol of the Khyber hy yp . ", | squeeze more or less of that kind haven’t 1 ; j . yj > out of a rich country like India ? that soundg strong | ' Yj \ / First’ Enthusiast. Quite so. Third Enthusiast. Strong! I : iM \ieZZ | Well, Dizzy promised us a Scien- should think so. ; we af ‘ tifie Frontier, and, by Jove, he’s to have an agent at Cabul, and WZ got it. He’s a wonderful fellow. he'll be able to wire to Simla in HNN { Left crowing. five minutes. Why, if a. hun- )| Lime Comal San Herat, v6 coal ) , Ca SOMETHING LIKE A FAMILY MAY. know it at Bayswater same even- WE learn from one of our con- ing. Look at that! d “ny temporaries that Joun Duww has ; iast. did ! : 7 way £7, no fewer than seventeen Zulu I'll tell you what it’s e for SSI. YV/ Ii ea ee : Wives, and “‘a corresponding Russia. It’s given her her : Ni \ iJ number of children.” hatever quietus. No interveni four a (a ‘ / that may be in precise figures, it hundred miles now. If she’s SV /// + is clear that this Gentleman must ». Why there she is a have added a large increment to the already numerous family of the “ Bunn Browns.” “That the foreign affairs of the | Tue Sportine ConTRrisvutor.— Auszn. shall be aambusie’ ‘wae SYMPTOMS OF A BANK HOLIDAY. | More Plague than Prophet. j VOL. LXXVI.

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I aA us e"qL Aq} TT¥Av UGA Puy 77 f \\/ pune —‘ \ 1 I fay) (~ NI Sg ICE Md ’ ¥. ’ We Mf Se ~ - i Ma 4 a UNE IMMVAINVHO NOCNO' aE JuUewead 9 Soveq JUV} Y Uy [90 a ey} wSuouv puvg oy) } A pus ‘yyduegg ‘WOPsLA ‘HA | uM pep Aq) ueey puv ‘aBuvi {yj opya puy ye noy3 sv ssoyzeed ‘Aqneeg ‘HO {HL HO HONDd

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THE LONDON CHARIVARI. uw Juxe 7, 1879.) PUNCH, OR lua ea i as y | i! ii rth } haafe to sing ! rd’s behest, Ba the glories of thy painted wing, Nightingale vouc If, yielding to the of one and al of Paradise, than th ~- = © 8 ve = é 4 2 2 > >) The hearts and souls _~ ** CIRCUMSTANTIAL.” Counsel for the Prisoner. *‘ AND YOU TELL ME, SiR, YOU SAW THAT BLIND, HELPLESS FIDDLER KICK THE PROSECUTOR ON THE HEAD ALONG WITH HIS OTHER ASSAILANTS !” Witness, “1 pip, Sunn! In THE THICK 0’ THE Surnpy, I SEEN THE OULD VAGABONE A-FERLIN’ ROUND AN’ ROUND THAT HONEST POOR MAN DOWN ON THE FLEWER TILL HE'D FOUND A VACANCY, WHIN HE UPS WID HIS FuT AN’ LiITs FLY, THE Drvit’s OWN SHOE-FULL CLANE INTO THE CENTRE OV’T!!!” et, rer goki t pu es To kneel in homage, as of old; and a future assured by their present and past; with archives and traditions of glory and of art ; art that runs back three centuries, tradi- tions tranemitted without a break from the days of the Grand Mon- arque, glory accumulated by an uninterru succession of famous players all proud to be associated with the House of Moriker. It is this unbroken chain of memories and traditions ; this stability in a land where so many things are unstable; this inheritance of famous names and great resources; this constitution planned by Lovis the Great and revised by the Great Napotgon, which assures modest competence in life as the reward of good service; that admirable school of the Conservatoire which shapes raw material into actors of PUNCH, INTRODUCER OF AMBASSADORS, Snows in ‘‘ La Socréré pe 1A Comépre Francaise.” “ The best actors in the world, either for tragedy, comedy, pastoral ’’—— Yes, see them in Phédre, Tartuffe, and L’ Ami Fritz, and then if ‘‘ the immortal ” is not down on it, as usual. irst, Monsieur Perrin, Administrateur de la Comédie Francaise. And you, Les Sociétaires, Messieurs Gor and Mavpant and Deraunay, Coquerin Ainé and Cadet, Fipvre and Turon and Mounet-Sutty, Larocue and beet, aed rown a ow Yet turn a rival Queen to gre Whose a” \* rt ely sot f thy bow, « extrem Tange, 22 ACM Ley Vee And meek the captives o Inconstant beats the manly hea The present Bard’ 4nG wieae tiny Barre and Worms ; And you, the better half of the Comédie, Mesdames Mapreterne Browan and Favart and Jovassary, Riqver and Provost-Ponsix, Dinan-Fewix and ReicnEemsene, CrorseTrE and SaRAH-BERHARDT,BARReETTA and BrorsaTand Samary; And you, Messieurs and Mesdames les Pensionnaires, who look to step into their shoes, inherit their parts, and equal their reputations, how could you all be more auspiciously presented to the British public than under the wing of Punch and the ‘‘ Immortal Witu1am ?”’ Punch is proud to play Polonius for you. The Sage of Fleet Street takes off his cap and bells to introduce the House of Motrére to the Home of SHAKSPEARE. Happily for us, the House of Moxrkne is to be, for the next six weeks, in the hands of the restorers, cleaners, and decorators. If this rather “‘ eclipses the Gaiety of Nations” in Paris, it illuminates, even than the Electric Light, the Gaiety of Mr. Jouw HoLirvesHEaD in the Strand. It brings within his doors, and those of the British public, for thirty-six evenings and six mornings, the pick of the performances of the best company of Actors in the world. Polonius did not say a word too much for them. This is the only ‘‘ company”’ of actors that really has a right to the name. Others ed, are not ‘‘ companies,” but conglomerates. This is a ‘‘ Society” of artists, with a past as well as a present, | given to t and actresses before they are allowed to present themselves on the boards, instead of leaving them to learn their art under the eye, and at the ex of the public,—it is all these together that have ” Society ” of the Comédie Francaise a sense of respect for themselves and their art, of a common dignity to support and a common reputation to maintain, of ties of fellowship, obligations to mutual sacrifice and pos ent of self-assertion to artistic completeness, utterly impossible in bodies of actors like ours brought together — | scattered by the breath of caprice or the whiff of speculation, blown about by the wind of popular favour, engaged for the run of a piece, or, at longest, for the space of a season, — | to popularity as the sole source of profit, scampering all the worl over for usually hurried in the preparation of their work, and unfinished in its execution, without any of the unity that only long fellow-working can give, or of that respect for art which it a an atmosphere of art to keep alive. are ; n one word, the Company of the [héatre Frangais is a Society; the companies of most of our theatres are accidental and brief blages of actors and actresses. : us all make the best of our present chance of studying the i and refined art of this Society while it is amongst us. And sets the wiser heads of the B. P. thinking that all is not for the if it in the British theatre ; that we might—if we cannot have our own ouse of SHAKSPEARE, founded, say, by good Queen Bess, and revised,

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| of my fine sparkling com | mentary wit, mot too dry, | with a fair amount of s | armed!” | lairs, and would have torn me to , pieces, not out of anger—au con- 256 PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARI. (June 7, 1879. if need be, by Georcr THe Ture, so as to reflect at once British glory and British Philistinism in due proportions—if we cannot im- provise a past of high traditions, forge a chain of proud associations, or build up, in a day or a generation, a scheme to lift the theatre above the whirligig whims of the moment, and set it on a foundation more solid than the quicksand of popular taste—we may, at least, watch the working of a system which does all this, till we learn to wish for something better than what Laissez faire, and Supply and Demand, the Tendencies of the Time and the Commercial Spirit, have brought us by way of a theatrical art. Per contra, While taking account of all the Maison de Molicre has to show us, let us not forget that the English Theatre is the House of SHAKSPEARE; that we can boast, in uninterrupted suc- cession, from his time downwards, a drama as much greater and richer than that of France, till recently, as the actors and art of their Théatre Frangais are beyond ie our stage can show. And, in lamenting over the results of scratch stage-packs and random theatrical arrangements, let us pay due honour to the Managers already at wet ies Ae bad ve Emmis London that shifting companies, an p-dash rehearsals, slovenly stage management and reckless casts, are not inseparable from even our unorganised an unsubsidised English Theatre INJYABLE INJIA; OR, NOTES AND SKETCHES OF A SPECIALLY-COMMISSIONED ARTIST, By FUZZELI PRINCEPS, Cuarrer XI., anv Last. Beginning of the End—Sport—Jungle—Arree—Joke— Roar—Lairs — Quit — Tiger— Cab— Home — Homer — Time — Pleasure— De- light—Sorrow— Will he return ?— Departure—Adieux— Ques- tions— Reply— Advertisement — Publishers — Marked— Hindoo— Business—Injian Character— Ignoranoe— Perish—Gull— Mogul — Morality — Bayard — Pajoymont — European — Tartarean— Tag—Tableau—Curtain—Blue Fire. VESDAY.—SHEIK | AreeeE called this morning. Would I go out for a walk with him? Yes, certainly. As an inducement, he offered to show me the lions. I thought he meant the “lions” of the town. Not a bit. SHEerk ARREE is a sporting cuss, and we strolled out to- wards the jungle. jungle. Jolly place. No tigers or lions. Don’t believe all these travellers’ tales. **You no fear?” asked SHEerk AR- REE. ‘* What, I! TI exclaimed. ‘‘I’d like to see myself afraid. | No jolly fears ! ** All right ! ” replied SHerk Anger, ** Besides,” I added, just to flatter him, and give him a taste Pat ut ** besides, how could I be afraid when I came out ermed ? ” ** Armed!” he cried. ‘* You! “Yes, certainly,” I returned. “Don’t I come out with you? And aren’t you a Great Gun?” That joke nearly cost me m life. It set the Lions in a roar ! The whole jungle was up in an up-roar! roused the sleeping lions. Fortunately, the only roared at the joke. But if had not had the presence of mind to hold my tongue, I believe they would have been out of their raire—but for the same reason hat the boy killed the goose that laid the golden eggs, just to see if there were any more where that sidesplitter came from. 10 a.m.—In the | 10°30 4.m.—Quitted the jungle. Said farewell to Suerk ARREE. Should like to get a sm gal tiger, and start the cabriolet fashion again next season. They are cheap to feed, living chiefly |on Bengal lights. Begin to think of going home. I feel more like | Home every day. on’t mean the spiritualist, but the Sag |No; I’m more the antique Greek poet than the modern Medium. And why ? use i fee] Homer-and-Homer every dex. . The time has come for my return. Everybody seems delighted. — Say what you will about Injia not being a place of exile, there is | $0 yery pleasant about the notion of “‘ going home!” I fancy | the notion is Tohiier an the reality. When I return Home, who will rush to meet me run to meet me on the shore ? crowd my steps, and guard my door ? 9 Tong fo Whe tar Mace coee mere? y Tradesmen. When I said I was ‘' going home,” I can hardly repeat the innu- merable congratulations that were hourly showered upon me. Farewell fétes would have been got up in my to bid me good-bye, and hundreds came into the town from day to in order to catch a sight of me when I stepped on board the ip. The hoorahs still resound in my ears. The attentions I received were really too much even for me. One took my umbrella, another my bags, another my hat, and as Ilet them take every- thi for me on oom 9 I was careful to observe that they might also take my ticket for me. This was done by | subscription. There | was a large surplus, | which amply satis- | fied my hotel bill. | “Was I ever likely to return?” | was o oe rpetua aske ri me. % If so— when?” | I was importuned to name the day of my coming back, but I couldn’t. And when I informed them that in all probability I should never return, their emotion knew no bounds—or rather I should say it knew a lot of bounds, as they jumped for joy, being (as was ex- plained to me after- | wards) under a mis- apprehension as to what I had really | said. Their adieux were How poe you uke Inz1A? WALK uP! most hearty. m Wax vp! ‘** Well, and how did you like Injia?” The first reply that rises to one’s lips after this question a put to me about five hundred times by five hundred jolly stupid people, not one of whom will care the next minute whether liked Injia, or not—I say, the first reply, very ery aby ** What's that to you?” But, on consideration, there are certain interests to those of the author (myself), and of the too fortunate 80 i work ; e my reply, as an ad old and invaluable model of “ Do you want luxuriant be considered— blisher of my it, on the hair and

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PUNCH, OR THE LONpAICHAR Vj ‘ x q AS YY N\ NA ASS THE NEW§D! (GETTING THEM @ or

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ONDAECHARIVARL—Jone 7, 1879. EM @ OF THE MESS!)

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June 7, 1879.)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261

a ** Parlez-vous francais ?” “Do you beat your carpets?” “* Why give more! ” &., &c. And I answer— *"* How do I like Injia?’ Many to whom this question is put would be unable to give any satisfactory information, from the fact of their not having as yet secured a copy of Injyable Injia illustrated with some o — finest engravings ever produced, an published in one unique volume by Messrs. Jorticuap, MaNawaL & Co., Hall Marked (none genuine without this), for the small sum of—well, for far less than its act value.” f course I look forward to giving a lecture on Injia, with a panorama. Open to an offer. have some first-rate Injian stories, taken from various sources, chiefly Tome Peerage, which I intend to submit to the public; though I fear I may be put down asa prig by those who have either these tales before, or written them themselves, or become acquainted with them Dop’s Injian

in some other way. In business the Hindoo and Parsee are first-raters. You can’t outdo a Hindoo, There’s no Doo anywhere like a Hindoo, A Cockney cheat of a landlord, who speaks of his Inn as a ‘‘ Hinn,” may be a greater Hinn-doo than the real yajian Hindoo, but I question it. And as for work—my !—they are I indoostrious ! As for the Parsee, their own poet has said— ** Who can as far see As any good Parsee ?’’ And in any ordinary matter of business, like the correct ¢ of a sovereign, or passing off a florin for half-a-crown, or a b: new that rhe; t al the Great M his M As to a ps it perhaps te 0 tempers ! ! up the raligie sad state vial’ al ious farthing for a gold piece, you cannot easily beat either a Hindoo, or a rae Parsee. Yet in all Injians I have noticed a nthe te and childish un- thoroughness—a cotcleney, 1 without which less crafty European —Iam g sol ely from my own e ce—would not have chance. Neither Hindoo , Parsee, nor ohecdan has yet-learn the mystery of the Tossing g and the Lucky Sixpence—a am not po to tell them. As long as the Englishman has this advantage, let him kee Once let Hindoo, Parsee, or Mussulman op thr their lng nd I\ have only fo go ous 00 Se aaa

learn the trick of the 7. Sixpence; and—perish Injia ! pa J Luck Dany Tithe for ortune to their practisers, as long as the I Pa were a age who woald, a ey pike years ago. sf Md re take their ea. | ” isa ae kinds of mécanique, they do not rest until they have aah. But such « transparent trick a0 that of the Three C or the little Pea ble, or, as I have said before, the Tossing Shilling, and the Confidence ‘Trick—these are, and ever d the infanti = cunning, and the infantine suspicious nature him. The Hindoo has before now done himself, but then the Great Megal is renowned for I, personally, am a Bayapp sans peur et sans be enticed by a Bayardére ; not, I fancy I should not Fiore learnt senile in I don’t say they profess to teach it, and therefore Ss e to say I should not have been a O mores ! 0 temples! O more ease!” This sums and morality of Injyable Injia. Christian must remember the overpowering scarcely fair Put the heat of the bg which he has but one Tartarean and Plutonic simile, and pA on can’t tnd ares fr morality in that quarter. It’sa pene the thin end of the wedge havin them then their jolly inch, an tort of lao place, not hed goo dea ike Ken than not, and, ensington, with an uare, Cheapside, Rotten cane } re ee Fayption Pondhotder fon March met” the Khedive

A Rest Cuwtenantay.—The Hundredth Derby, 1879,

privet Si yee ps i rope: ES > ow ‘7 t« bls + pa aa To gi Re

ee Ge oii

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Ss. 262 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [June 7, 1879. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. ) = lay z ety Ry ‘ : ‘HV pen ON. me ¥, PS (Lords).—Two comforting tidings to begin with. Lord Da A telegram from Major Cavac- NARI mn the signature of a treaty with Yakoos Kuan. (If only Yaxooz can? There isthe doubt. Jf he can, let India adopt’ di a new motto—*‘ Cavagnarando tutus.’’) The other from Lord BreaconsrreLD. Announcement of the ap- pointment of Sir Garnet WoLSELEY to be Governor of Natal and the Transvaal, and High-Commissioner and — hae Chief of those Colonies, and the lands adjacent, north and east. Is his commission large enough to undo all the mischiet that has been —y% by : too-high and a too-weak Commander | tween them My Lord B’s. words in making the crmemlention are worth | noting. He said, “‘ it wand be convenient, and perhaps interesting | to their Lordships to receive this information.” ‘‘ Perhaps,’ Mn J * per. haps” f P Pe epecet begs his oer a s pardon. this was “‘ spoke sarcastic,” as if this bi should say val | anything can interest your Lordships, considering * na intellects educations, the languor of your debates and your doings, the times of you sittin pom and risings-up, I really pally should not like to say; butif anything can, this may. ga att presume too much. It evidently did interest even an rr Ss. Then Followed a pretty and pleasant peslnde for the ape A discursus by the Earl of GaLtoway—soldier-officer bred and militia- officer born—on the thesis, ‘‘ Has England an Army, or only the husk of one?” The sum of his answer was clear en , if the working out of his speech wasn’t. ‘‘ England has onl e hollow seuianee of an see,” says Lord GatLoway. And no seemed to den tt is to be hoped that the Commission on which Government is going to fall back for advice how to make brigades working realities instead of costly shams, and linked battalions chain- cables instead of ropes of sand, will be strong enough for its work. It is further to be hoped that what the may have the wit to devise, Parliament will have the sense to sanction, and Government—whatever Government may be “running” the | military machine—the organising head and working bende to set, and keep, a-going. Any more depressing than the Lords’ Monday talk about the the

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| June 7, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL A PHONETIC SAYS TO TBE CHévEz, you KNow!”’ Dunce No.1 (translating a Fable of La Fontaine). *‘WuHaT DOES ‘JE PLIE, ET NE ROMPs PAS’ MEAN! Dunce No. 2. ‘Ou, I suppose ir MEANS, ‘J PLAY, BUT I pon’r RomP’—WwuHAaT MAMMA’S ALWAYS TELLING US WE OUGHT TO po!” Tae -- RENDERING. Ir’s WHAT THE RosEAU Army, as opened by Lord Gattoway and closed by Viscount Carp- WELL, with incidental despondency from Lord SrratHnarrn, Earls ELLENBOROUGH and LonerorD, Lord Bury and the Duke of Buc- cLEucH, Punch hopes he may never have to try distilling into Essence. The process can end only in lamentation, and mourn- ing, and woe. Lord Gattoway’s complaint was like his own description of Lord CarpweELt’s Army-Reform, which ‘‘ began by being comprehensive ; then, for a time, after it had ceased to be comprehensive, was comprehensible; but ended by being neither comprehensive nor comprehensible.” Punch’ s feeling, after first reading Lord GaLLoway’s and my Lords’ conversation, is bewilderment ; after long thinking both over, some- thing as like hopelessness as he is capable of. He sees only one con- clusion, that, after all our millions spending and spent, our Army has yet to be made, and that we have still to wait for the hour, and the man, to make it. (Commons.)—Received, with cheers, the same good news as the Lords. But Sir Starrorp did not need to ‘‘ speak sarcastic,” and say ‘‘ perhaps’ it would interest Honourable Members to know that Sir Garnet WorsE.ey had been sent to keep Sir Bantte Frere in order, and help Lord Cuztmsrorp to a head. There was no mistake Sor it—it did interest them; interested them so much was Sir Garnet to be, exactly ?”’ and and Lord CHE LMsrorpD be, exactly, when he got out there?” and “How would they be likely to like it?” and ‘“‘ What would Sir Garnet do with them?” and ‘‘ What did Government mean him to = do—and not to do?” and ‘* Would he be likely to do it—and not to} To this “‘ process of the question’ Sir Srarrorp and Sir Micnag. | naturally resisted being put. Anything they told the House would | be telegraphed to South Africa, and get there before Sir Garwer. | All they could say was, that he did not go out to annex and to exter- ee | minate anybody or anything—not even a High Commissioner’s | dominion, or a Commander ine Chief's commission, but to bring this | miserable war to a good end at least cost of time, blood, and money compatible with the security of South Africa. _ be the brightest jewel in the British Crown—its Garnet—is tobe set ssurance | Lord Capoean that no Lieutenant-Governor, neither Colonel Lawyow | mission that the | of the night was spent in asking such questions as “* What | * Where would Sir Bartz | At all events, let Punch congratulate the country that it has, at last, got the “‘ right man in the right place,” and that what seems to in the South-African fleuron of the sorely-smirched Imperial em. Tuesday (Lords).—You see, Lord B., their Lordships are reall interested. More curiosity about Sir Ganwer. a foun in the Transvaal, nor Sir Henry Butwer in Natal, has been, or will be, recalled or su . Only ev ing and everybody will be put under Sir Garner's orders. Sir Bartte Frene’s High Com- has not been cancelled, ‘‘ execept’””—rather large exception— ‘‘as regards those districts where Sir Garnet's Commission gives him jurisdiction.” Large as that runs, it may be safely said that it overrides all South Africa, and that Sir Garnet will be— “The Garnet of all he surveys ; His right there ’ll be none to dispute ; For his ox-waggon where there are ways, He ’ll ‘ whip in’ and ‘ whip out’ man and brute.” (See Punch’s Cartoon, with Sir Garnet getting the South-African ox-waggon out of its impasse.) (Commons.)—Even greater press of question about Sir Gannet’s powers and instructions than in the Seni. After Mr. Bourke had assured Mr. Orway that the Government | knew nothing about any di ent or difference of poliey between the French Government and our own—a good hearing, if one was ite sure what official words mean—there was a discussion of uth-African policy, the action of Sir Bantie Frene, and the | character of King Cerewayo, in which Mr. Sutiivaw administered in tories to the Government as to the terms of peace to be im on the Zulu king—were they to be short and sweet, or long and bitter f—and Lord Excno sounded the trumpet for Sir BakTLe and annexation, and gave Cerewaro the rough side of his tongrne, calling him—by way of quotation, it is true—* an armed gorilla,” and provoking cries of ‘‘ Withdraw!” |_ Whereupon Mr. Grapstows, echoing all Lord Excuo’s praises of | his friend Sir Bartie, with a chivalrous warmth that became him, en OS ,. BAe eee Mee sae" ee

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+. eR ee. ee ees ts BO ML NTE 264 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | protested against the notion of curing the cruelties of | CETEWAYO, or any other savage monarch, by inflicting | upon his subjects the horrors of war; and spoke, as Mr. | GLapsToNE might be trusted to speak, in favour of the | policy of moderation. | W Lemmas Sir R. Peet, feeling a nattral disinclination | to see the wind taken out is sails, rose, in the character | of Portia, and rivalled Mr, BRANDRAM in his recitation of the Mercy Speech. Sir ROBERT seems to feel much for | Cerewayo, and Punch Gatto sete with him that if the House wishes to see the ur of the country maintained it also wishes to seé ex : Sir Cuartes DAE that the House did not yet see the reasons of the Government change of front , and Sir M. H. Beacn declared that it was a mistake to sey that Sir Bartre Frente had bee over—he had only been capers wherever we were at war and in @ difficulty. e is still High-Commissioner at Cape own. We have only sent Sir G to take his place, after he has put himself out of the e of ‘ Good Hope.” And then the House rosé; for once in the pros- pect of its Derby to-morrow; its Whitsun holidays the day after. Ha !—Happy Thought !—Shootitig at Bibbles—a Holiday Sport fot P. and B.! Sadho Bates ton Phot goo’ ei m * Ou Will see ; A wonderfal dhostah Wis, tances glass balls— That only a one ken falls — And shivers drills coppers, All marks alike to ro ’uns or Whoppers, See him, and then Home to your P., And, after a sit and 4 see Of this year's Parliament ' You will back to down—if any Bubbles cnvngh in your time you have blown, Some of the bigeest and brightest known, Among them ‘ Peace with ar.”’— Yes, that Was a bubble, though now collapsed and fiat! Then the “* Scientific Frontier! ”’—My eyes! That, too, was a bubble of something /ike size, Though it looks no longer big or bright ; ‘Tis a way bubbles have, to melt in our sight To a drop of soapsuds, a whiff of wet air, Ere you well know when you have them, or where. But of bubbles yet blown, or bubbles to follow, What bubble so big and so bright and so hollow, So fit for the first place in ate As that of your Lordship’s honour and glory ? Take care, my Lord, lest you shoot so pat As to blow the bubble-shine out of that ! The Lords sat on Thursday and Friday for a few more last words about their ’Bus Bill, and their Bill to watch over the lives of poor little wretches turned over to Mountebanks to learn how to break their necks and un- bone their bodies, and their Military Commission, in debate whereon the Lorp CHANCELLOR rap Lord | Tro ym | over the knuckles. And then epee Lord- ships followed the wise example of the Commons, and | adjourned for their Whitsun holidays. Being the Genuine Sentiments of a Representative Bung, addressed to Mr. Punch. Srr,—I’ve been waiting for three weeks just to say a word for my professi: friends, who felt themselves considerably aggrieved by your Cartoon about Bung and | 'RIEND BUNG’S REMONSTRANCE. | | | the Archbishop, where the former is thanking the latter for his valuable aid in keeping the Museums and other places of scientific entertainment closed on a Sunday. Now, Mr. Punch, you’re just and generous. You will admit, I am sure, that there are two sides to every case—an outside and an inside. Permit me to say, Sir, that you’ve hitherto been taking rather the outsider’s view of our position, and, let me r fully add, I’m afraid you haven’t troubled yo much about the | inside—t.e., our view of the matter. Your Carteon—admirable it was, Ih we disagree with it, and think it unfair to us as a body—meant that the Bungs—we don’t even shirk the ni , We Own to being Bungs, honest Bungs, John Bull Bungs, but not obstructionist Bungs—I say p ny Cartoon implied tha’ | the Bungs are delighted at closing of the Museums | and so forth, because the folks who, were they open, oe DEPRESSION. First City Man (Optimist). **How’s Bustness witH you! I cAN’T HELP THINKING THINGS ARE LOOKING BET Second City Man (Pessimist). ‘‘ DrirTING FAST TO THE WORKHOUSE! AND WHAT MAKES ME DOUBLY ANXIOUS Is, I CAN’T THINK WHO’LL BE LEFT TO PAY THE Poor-RatE !!” would spend their Sunday in useful and interesting recreation, will now come and pass their Day of Rest in our public-houses, during such hours, that is, as we have permission to admit customers. This means that we Bungs vote for keeping the Museums shut, in order to encourage Sots. Now, Sir, 1 beg to submit that you have no just ground for this inference. When has the voice of the Collective Wisdom of the Bungs—the honest, respectable Bungs—been heard ? At Bethnal Green, to a man, they are in favour of opening the Museum. We don’t want the Sot : he is our curse. Open the Museums, by all means, and I venture to say our Sunday trade will be trebled without any increase of inebriety, and to the disadvantage of the Sot, who will be elbowed out by honest folk who would come to us for n refreshment—just as the Gentlemen would look in at their Clubs for a B. and 8. —and would go on their way pueneing. ~ We don’t want the prohibition on hours removed. Let the Public’s hours be for the convenience of the Public. Poll the of Bloomsbury, and see if they wouldn’t all be for the opening of the British Museum on Sunday. We don’t join hands on this subject with the Archbishop of CanTrERsBuRy, albeit he takes his title from the Hop-Garden of England, nor, on the other hand, do we wish to see a Continental Sunday, such as we understand it to be; for it is a trait in Panes character that he is a thorough John Bull, and as far as we are acquainted with a Continental Sunday, we don’t consider it “‘ trés- Bung” — if you'll allow me the expression—though I am given to understand that, in Paris, they set = their Picture Academy, which is like our Royal Academy, on the seventh day of the week, free gratis to the people whose work prevents ’em seeing it on any of the other six. Bungs are glad of rest, and like their Sunday mornings for théir wives and families, who are as régular at their place of worship as the Archbishop himself, making allowance, of course, for His Grace ing professionally, as it were. I’ve been asked to send you proted 4 r. Punch, and hope that you'll lico, fot ’s benefit ; and so, eunihe a Sra for the Publican 5 Joux B. Bune. wishing you héelth and p rémain, for sé ours sincerely, 48 To Conexsronpants.— The Bditor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or Sor Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by « stamped and derected envelope 144 should be kept.

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CHARIVARIL. ANALYSIS. Lady, ‘‘ WHY DID YOU LEAVE YouR LasT Piacr?”’ Cook, **Timper, M’um.” Lady. *‘ Temper! ANNOYED !”’ Cook. *‘Ou, I DON’T MIND A M’ROSE TIMPEE I LIKES; BUT A TIMPER AS GOES A NAG-NAC NIGHT, WON’T DO WITH ME!!”’ BuT WHEN I’M pur ovuT MyYsELY, I sHow | :, M’UM—A REVINGEFUL TimPER i-NAGGIN’ Mornin’, Noon, AND INDIAN NOTES AND QUERIES. Peace with honour again! Afghanistan. Not at any price. Peace at the rice of only sixty thousand a year subsidy to YaKoos Kwa, Can Sir Garner Wotsetry have received instructions to conclude peace on the same terms, if possible, with Cerewayo ? Peace for India at a pretty considerable price !—but with something to show for it. A scientific frontier into the bargain. An effectual bar to the advance of Russia at quite a moderate price. Cheap defence of yr Mr. B in the pl f ut suppose now. . BULL, we were in the place o the Russians, and Russians in ours; they being on the Indian side of our scientific frontier and we on the other: we knowing what we have now come to know about the value of our Indian possessions, Should we in that case, think you, cherish any designs upon India? Shouldn’t we rather, in the event of any rumpus with Russia, think it well for us that the oceu- pation of India cngtagoe a large portion of the Russian army, and withhe that number of Russian troops out of the way? Should we desire in the least to deprive the Russians of India; or should we, on the contrary, be most decidedly disposed to allow the Czar to preserve his Indian Empire unmolested, and wish him joy of it ? Hooray! Peace with Can’+ be Right, any Way. ** Sort Service systems” GaLLoway indicts; Havetock wants “ the Office’ set to-rights. Be ‘‘ System ”’ or be *“* War-Office”’ to blame, Joun Bu1.’s without an Army, all the same ; ich—as he pays for one some Fifteen Millions— If he still stands, he’s silliest of silly ’uns! Very Lucky. Ir is announced that the Stratford-on-Avon, Evesham and Redditch Junction Railway has just been opened for xenon and other traffic. Happily, the exigences of the Junction Railway did not require that the House of SHAKSPEARE demolished in order to the erection of a Station ! QuEeRY—FoR THE VaTICcAN.—Was the new French Cardinal Pre chosen for his Pie-ty ? THAT I’m Tratra Innequreta.—With Etna in eruption, and GARIBALDI in full blast ! ALARMING TO NO COMMON DEGREE! (According to Professor ODLING.) ScenE—An Ozford College Garden during Commemoration Week. | Fair Visitors and New Graduate promenading. First Fair Visitor. Well, if we shall not see you at either of the | Balls, the Flower-Show, or the Concert, you will at least secure a | boat, and take us down to Nunebam. You will not refuse us this? | New Graduate (moved). Alas! I must; for I do not possess that | culture which would enable me deftly to handle the oar, or even the modest pentins-2ee. Second Fair Visitor. You surprise us much. We have always | conceived the Oxford graduate a man of developed capacity, for | whom the word “‘ impossible ” had no meaning. _ Third Fair Visitor. Yes, there is nothing that is beyond the intellectual grasp of our brother PLantacenet. Since he has taken | his degree, even Bradshaw and the new Lawn-Tennis Rules have been to him no mystery ; while you P New Graduate spommneeeh- Nay, chide me not, but consider what is culture. Your worthy brother has been through six books | of Homer, and mastered Piato with the aid of a literal translation. | Nay, he has conjugated the verb rixrw with but few mistakes. He of mechanics, chemists, contractors, and philosophers. My bosom friend is an enthusiastic butterman with a new patent. Speak to me of these things, and I will respond. But do not try me further. Second Fair Visitor. But surely, as Canon Lippow has gracefully pointed out, your education should have aimed at developing a eneral capacity rather than at attaining a particular kind of know- e. ird Fair Visitor. Yes, education should be more careful to Fo eye Saculties than to accumulate facts. Graduate (with suppressed emotion). Stay ; it is useless to taunt me. I confess it all. I lack those habits of exactness and refinement, without which it is, as the good Canon says, impossible to reach the higher characteristics 4, an educated man ! First Fair Visitor (starting). Then you are not—a B.A. ? New Graduate (solemnly). No, alas! I am—a B.N.S.! (Tableau. Curtain.) di ‘‘ Approach me as the rugged Russian Bear.”’ “The Academy of Sciences has elected Professor Hux Ley a corresponding Member in the section of anatomy and zoology, in the place of the late Rus- sian naturalist, BazR.”’ | has, in a word, been pling with that Greek language, even the | partial mastery of which is a condition of the highest educational | training. | First Fair Visitor. Yet you wear the elegant gown that d the degree of an Oxford Bachelor. Is this an empty symbol ? New Graduate (proudly). No. 1 can talk to you by the hour of | | the hyperphosphates, the air-pump, the habits of the Mastodon, and | on the advantages of the three-foot gauge. My rooms are the resort enotes | | | A proup tribute to Lord Braconsrrexn’s spirited foreign policy. Even on the neutral ground of Science, the Russian Bear makes way for Huxtry! WHAT WE MAY WELL FIND HARD. To praise an Army without a good deal more Reserve than they have at the War Office. VOL. LXXVI, AA

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nwYverwowws ¢ **|—a—oonrrss THAT I’VE NEVER SEEN A SUNSET THAT THOROUGHLY SATISFIED ME FeT/ AT LEAST NOT IN Narrcew#an, You KNow!” SS sw ¥ eas Young Alkestis Trotter. PS aes ew eee June 14, 1879. J PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ti | hie | TTA f ‘ | Mi (it | RU KT Wy q ) i |! lil) STS . ~ Mi ‘i - 8 SEE S| : i UNA VL me en toe oe oe ee | | th: reed ae ‘=F mr “es | | «Al ni Ci = \ (TU : SYMPATHY—LIMITED. City Gent (bursting into the Counting-House on Wednesday afternoon, May 28th). AND Visconri1!” Second Ditto (Man o° business—the Sporting Partner wasn't in). ’em. Bur We pon’T po BusiNgEss WITH ’EM NEVER HEARD 0’ THE Frem !”’ ‘* Beavis, Patmer, AN’ Visconry ? ** HAVE you HEARD?! Sir Bevys, PaLmeBear’R, Beavis, Pat—— Sonny For A LITTLE GAME WITH TURKEY. Majesty and His jwiahness will indulge in a British cheer. The hip-hips” will be ** hurrahs piven by the Suntan, and the Prince will 1 "ie Hi As there has been a great deal of discussion about the 5 ye investiture of the Prince of Burcaria by the Suttan, Pune thinks it advisable to publish his own official programme of the ceremony. It will be seen that, as his Sovereignty is the outcome of the provisions o the Treaty of Berlin, Prince ALEXANDER will a in an international character. This little compliment to the vo ba is sure to be appreciated in London, Puris, Rome, lin, and St. Petersburg. Mr. Punch’s Programme. Prince ALEXANDER will wear a combined European costume in- stead of the fez and straight coat, including a Russian cavalry soldier’s cloak, an Italian carabiniero’s uniform, a French kepi, ses be — crutch-handled umbrella, and a pair of German curas- 8 boo On finding himself in the presence of the Suitan, His Highness will kiss his liege Lord on both cheeks after the French fashion, and then give him a hearty English shake of the hand. ALEXANDER will next offer the SuLTan some tea, flavoured with lemon @ Ja Russe and a dish of Italian macearoni. Should His Majesty refuse these refreshments, the Prince will substitute Vienna vest, a cheese, French pain de munition, and a pipe of German PR gg core will then invite the Suita to join him in a mixed ee the most effective points of the Can-can d la Sraballe on “Should Czardas, the Sclavonie Mazurka, and the British Hornpipe. “y SULTAN express a wish for music, the Prince will offer him a series of dance-movements on the Bavarian zither, and a selection of international airs on the Seotch bagpipe: After this little concert, winding up with ‘' God Save Vhe Queen,” | firmness, the investiture will take place. The ceremony will end with a demonstration i in favour of England | d in honour of ce ALEXANDER’s recent visit to Balmoral. His’ let hness = ‘then withdraw, after kissing the hand of his liege Lord, who will express a feeling of the greatest gratification at the mixed character of the proceedings. A PRINCE WITH A PATRONYMIC. Hatt, Bulgaria’s new Prince, ALEXANDER VOGORIDES, A Physician and Sage of old time bore a name With thine own patronymic which rhymes— DioscortpeEs. In his way he worked wonders; in thine work the same. He was great in the science of medical botany ; May’st thou prove in State physic a Doctor no less ; Though of herbalist lore not perchance having got any, In thy practice no simples thou ’It need for success, Dire disorders dispel, allay fierce animosities ; Dispense equal doses of justice to all— Turk and Christian alike—that Bulgarian atrocities Bulgarians, well-governed, ne’er more may befall. Killing Two Birds With One Stone. Tue Times has an article on the bay of Japanese writing. Every letter is a picture. This may well make learning to write difficult. But see the set-off. The , who learns to write omens the Japs at the same time learns to draw. Hence the unequall ess, accuracy, and deftness of a draughtsmanship. For yee of flowers and birds, in son with their common mows Ne Hunt was a ok Ay and TURNER a eet The only nglishman ever learns to draw with are L. 8 . De ss arts ee 3 ee alin

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« oy 268 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE GAY GROSVENOR GALLERY GUIDE. ** Nil admirari ’s all the Art I know.” r Preliminary and Retrospective Address.—The last time I visited | the Arrangement in Bond Street 1 made use of these memorable words, *‘ Never again with you, Robin!” But though it is to be very certainly inferred from this, that, ‘‘ with Robin I would not go again,” yet, on the other hand, I would not have it supposed for one moment, that if I did mot go with Robin, I should therefore stay away altogether. ‘‘ Never again, with you, Robin,” but ‘* Once again without you, Robin,” just to see how this Day-Nursery of Art—the Bond Street Créche—is getting on. Let us mount to the Gallery; I generally prefer the Stalls, but as there is no choice at the Grosvenor, let us go up to the Gallery, and be as Gods. A shilling is a fair price for a Gallery. I grumble not. Sixpence is reasonable for a Catalogue, but you who read this will do well to purchase Mr. Henry Biacksurn’s Grosvenor Notes, whose illustrations and descriptions are so truthful as to save ** Friends at a distance ”’ the trouble of visiting the Gallery itself. One Word more.—How to form an unbiassed judgment on the merits of a picture. Never look at the name of the Artist. Guess what the picture is intended to mean. If you guess correctly, either it is “ bully for the pieture”’ or “ bully for you;” 2.e., either you are, like Mr. Eccles in Caste, ‘‘ a very clever person,” or the paint- ing is a very clever picture. If you are both clever, so much the etter. On this plan I have proceeded. Of course there is no mistaking the notes of the true Waistter. There are some imitation Whist- lers—mere halfpenny Whistlers, which may puzzle you for less than a moment. Nor could there be any doubt about the brilliant lights of the still Unburnt Jones—the Burne to which no traveller returns. At the top of the Staircase :— . No. 193. Right of entrance. I presume that, having paid, your right of entrance is the same as mine; therefore, you'll find the amg at once. It represents, I should say, a Foreigner’s idea of a ine Day near London Bridge. Bdteaux d vapeur—and plenty of vapeur. This is a Nocturne in blue and gold—including the frame —by our own J. M. Wuisriter. Never desert your colours—such as they are. Here’s your own fun in a fog. Bless you, J. M. W.! and may you go on fogging away until you are an old fog-ie yourself, and then retire ** Where the Smudgers cease from smudging, And the Whistlers are at rest.’’ No. 200. Left hand of entrance. Bathing in Hard Water. ALFRED Morean. No. 205. Deluded Shrimpers; or, Harlequin mind your own Business, and don’t put all your Eggs in one Basket. Dark Scene from a Serious Pantomime. The Shrimpers have been buying eg, instead of catching shrimps, and returning across the rocks on the sands, the Seine bee broken, the eggs have cracked, and the yolks have been spilt all about,—admirably depicted,—on the right d of the picture. Purticularly notice the spilt yolks. In the distance is a small party, probably out for a pic-nic, on whom the stupid {June 14, 1879, Shrimpers had depended for custom. The pic-nic party, being rather afraid of the weather, take no notice of the Shrimpers, who stand disconsolate. After this, ‘‘ Will it surprise you” to hear that the subject is 4 Highland Funeral, painted by D. Murray ? ed not a bit of it! Mr. Murray is ‘vies a lark with us. urray come up ! No. 208. Horses—after Rosa Bonnevr,_ Rosa BonnEvur very much in front, however. L. CATTERMOLE ee it Helter-skelter. No. 211. Violets. Canto PELLEGRINI. e’s blushing, Carto, my boy! And so she ought to colour up to her eyes after having panes her lips like that. The bold, forward minx! She’s dyed 1er hair, too, and not yet got it back to its right colour. So young and so—foolish! But when you painted her I ae you were thinking of Vanity Fair. You’re not ashamed of this —_ lady, are your No,of course not. Then why pe her so desk ? I trust, Signor Caro, that already some one has said, “ Buy, O let’s! Vi-o-lets!’’ But do be a little cheerful next time. . You haven’t used up all your colours. There’s more where be eame from, Don’t take the shine out of yourself in this way. Take iteut of somebody else. Up you go. ** Montez, Carlo!” as we say at Monaco. Nos. 162, 163, 164, 165. Panels for decoration, called Morning, Noontide, Evening, and Night, which might as well be Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter, or Panels for a Jury, or whatever you like, my little dear. Notice the attitude of the gentleman in Summer, or Noontide ; also, in the same panel, the ition of the Sun. The unfortunate man is “ getting it hot.” He is, however, safe from a sunstroke, I imagine, which generally lights on the cra- nium—eh, Mr. WattER CRANE-IUM ? No. 166 is the work of E. B. J. Eminent Burne-Jones. His Eminence has given us a heavy angel, grey-haired and quite past work, curiously formed out of such “* metal more attractive ” as that used for organ-pipes, while the upper part of her wings (or his wings) are fashioned out of ripe artichoke leaves. Being unable to omens herself, or himself, on air, the angel has descended, like a collapsed balloon, and been providentially caught in a rum shrub, from which perilous position she, or he, 1s apparently utterly help- less to extricate herself, or himself, without assistance. How devotionally this subject ought to have been treated is evident from what the Guide tells us it is intended to represent. Do what you like with your Pygmalions, Galateas, and Venuses, but | don’t let the Eminent B. J. rush in where even his own artichoked- winged angel would fear to tread. His Eminence has got a Better Angel than this—somewhere at hand. May he inspire him! Nos. 167, 168, 169, 170. All by E. Burne-Jongs. The Story of Pygmalion ; or, How he Chiselled a Woman out of Something. The Eminent B. J. puts it thus :— No. 167. The Heart Desires. No. 168. The Hand Refrains. No. 169. The Godhead Fires. Then you expect that Venus (she is the Godhead and shoulders, &c.) having fired, has made a hit, like Dr. Carver at the Crystal | Se - a Carver, too, by the way)—but no, we finish wit No. 170. The Soul Attains. There might be—this is merely a suggestion—a classical series, showing how Jones became Burne-Jones. Thus— No. 167. More Jones Desires. No. 168. He Thinks, Doubts, Groans. No. 169. The Godhead Fires,— No. 170. Result—Burn Jones ! This will do for the Gallery next year, and ‘‘do for it” very | effectually. , ’ No. 145. “Bother that dog! He’s strayed again!” said the Lady in a classic dress, looking over her shoulder for her pet, as she walked along the yellow floor, with a dark blue dado behind her. Stop! isn’t it the sea~shore? and isn’t that the sea? and isn’t it Dido omy | out for Aineas? Or, if it is, why not Dido in her polos, on the yellow floor, with the blue wall behind ?—Dido and Qado! The picture, however, is meant to represent Ariadne, not ** The-seo,” but ‘‘ By the sea, oh,” and is the work of Sir Courrs Linpaay, Bart., Who goes in for High Art. No. 141. ‘* The Morning After.” Crctz Lawson. I should think so. ‘‘The Morning After,” indeed! Yes, and what a head- ache poor Mr. Cecit Lawson must have had, and how ever was whirling and whizzling, and how he said to himself that he would never again paint the morning after, but always do it the night before. An arrangement in ‘‘ B. and s.” Moral, for a rising noe ne be an early rising and early bedding Artist, for he who makes a rule— Early to bed, and early to rise, Never paints bothering headachy skies.

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June 14, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 269 _ No. 48. The Lady Hildred. J.M.Jortrme. The Artist says he | intends to illustrate these lines :— } * Came the minstrel Hunerr,” &c., &c. “ And the Lady H1.prep listened hour by hour.” No, Sir! Not this lady you’ve painted. She might have listened hour by hour to ScnusERt, but not to Huserr. ‘* There are chords, JopLine,” said Mr. Guppy—but they ’re not the minstrel Husent’s. No. 55. The Skipper and her Toy. Portrait of a well-known little Gaiety gal—or, as here, a Gray-ity gal. Probably intended | by Mr. James Wuistzer for the outside of some caravan, but not considered sufficiently attractive. Poor young lady! As one leg isin the air, and the other is an impossibility, he hasn’t given her a leg to stand on, though he has | significantly supplied her with plenty of rope. As for her eyes— they ’re the squint-essence of ene or, considering the subject, land-skip painting. O Jammy Wuistier, Jomy Wuist- | LER, O! No. 75. _ Whitebait at Greenwich; or, Lord Beaconsfield Avenged. Portrait of Right Hon. W. E. Grapstone, M.P. In- tended for Lord BEaconsFIELD’s Cabinet—particulier, of curios. One moment before we quit the Gallery. Let us see what Sir FREDERICK the Great, President of the Burlington Academy—I had nearly written Burlington Ar-cademy—has sent to Sir Courts, the Leader of the Opposition. Quick, come round the corner with me. Never mind the Catalogue> And let us inspect— Nos, 3 and 4. “Give us a show there ’s no ill-feelin “Tl just see what I’ve got in my old | pei replied Sir FREDERICK. Presently he returned, and after carefully dusting the specimens, he said, ‘‘ Here, Sir Courts, I give thee all, I can no more though poor the offering be, my heart and——” . “Done!” said Sir Coutts, cutting short the quotation. And so © was. “*T’ll throw in two others just to make up a job lot,” added FREDERICK the Great, kindly ; ‘‘ and you can take ’em with you m your bro ” ** All your name, that’s all we care for. I mustn’t look a gift donkey m the mouth,” he added to himself, as he looked at the studies Nos, 84, 85, and 89. Then Sir Frepericx the Great, being alone, sang out lustily— “Tf I had a donkey what wouldn't go, Wouldn't I swop it? No, no, no! I'd give it to the Grosvenor Gallery, oh, *G. G.’ Neddy.”’ Nos. 103 and 804. Studies of Donkey Girls, companions to Donkeys aforesaid. Bravo, Sir Freperick the Great! Ass in presenti—to Sir Courts, Art-Bart.! And with this little lot, as a North coun- tryman would say, ‘‘ He cooms and he coutts away!” So do we. That ’s a for one turn. Plenty more to see. Back again next week. ard work. Air! Air! A cigar! Light !—more light! Good. Puffamus. GIFTS BY THE WAY. (Packed in a Bulgarian Bag.) “ Difficult as is the task that will devolve upon the young Prince, he can not fail to receive from the distinguished personages he is about to visit some material aid towards its accomplishment.’’— Morning Paper. From Livadia.—The ribbons of several military orders, Handbook to Court Etiquette, a handsomely bound copy of 4 Hundred Ways of Governing wi hout a Constitution, and a steel under-waistcoat warranted bullet-proof. From Y eet.—A set of conjuring tricks, a Phrase Book, and a full-1l portrait in oils of ‘‘ the modern Macwiave ttt.” From Versailles.—A prize essay on National Self-Restraint, and a eters labelled ‘*‘ With M. Wapprveron’s compliments.” From Vienna,—Two stools, with directions how to sit perma- nently between them with perfect safety, and the games of thimble- rig, the three card trick, and prick in the garter, with apparatus for playing them complete. Varzin.—A protective tariff and a beer-jug. And from Balmoral a pencilled copy of the Lsfe of the Prince Consort, plenty of sound and excellent advice, and a kindly and generous -speed. Motto for Professor Nordenskjold. “The North-East Passage has been made with an ease that makes one wonder why it was not done long ago. . . . Professor NonpENsKJOLD, in the steamer Vega, has done a thing in which the element of danger was consider- able in a manner that deserves to be called brilliant.” — Times. ““ Per Vega, per Vada.” something,” said Sir Courrs, ‘just to| Th ug 3 right!’ replied Sir Courrs, Art-Bart., ‘‘as long as we ’ve got POLICEMAN “A” ON POPULAR HOLIDAYS. Way yes, Sir, ’tis a sloppy one. I’ve often wondered why It is that when the weather’s wet a chap should be sodry. _ (A stout-and-bitter, if you please ') That there Clerk o’ the Weather Had best turn up his little job ; he’s muffed it altogether. Pity that Lupsock didn’t to square him at the start— e way he mucks our holidays is awful! For my part, ; I say that when his tap ’s turned on, whether in drench or drizzle, The handiest of holidays is just the merest fizzle. “‘T’ve seen amany’” Bless you, yes; in every sort o’ place— Bree M ampstead Heath, Show, Cricket-Match, or Race ; [think I vo tania turn all round, and, if you ask my views, ‘holiday, nine out o’ ten, means too much beer and blues. it may be in parts I don’t purtend to say, there the rarest of all things ’s a regular fine day. And though we , no doubt, at most things are A 1, 9 we are not dabs at is a genuine bit of fun. We haven’t got the bang of it somehow, and that’s a fact. “We find that ’s the hardest work ?” You’ve hit it, Sir, exact. Briton’s. in his larks, and lumbering in his chaff, at t getting a row getting up a laugh. In 72. beer * *bacea, horse-play romp and rowdy brawl, He: that'to himself ’s the hardest job of all. “A bit of aphilosopher ?”’ Well, yessir, don’t you see I've lots.o’ time for thinking (Half a go’ll do for me !) “Drink does it ?”? Well, 1’m not so sure; that’s putting of it short; ut it’s how chaps forget the pot when sweet upon the sport. ishing don’t look like frantic larks; the taste for it seems odd ; "t find a bloke get screwed when bending o’er his rod. drives a man to drink nine times in ten, I’m thinking, known a spell of blues set the soberest men a-drinking. keep the people straight, in this dull, rain-drenched Yon ’ve.got to interest ’em Sir, in things they understand. 1 that’s your mark ! Show, book, or lark, there ’s everything in tone statues.and stuffed animals no doubt at times are striking, But they don’t last ; that’s where it is, while lush and skittles do. I’ve seen ’em loitering round such things, and looking bored and The holiday-makers, Sir, I mean—a-quizzing this and that, wide remarks and jokes extremely flat. But say, as a rule, is the /ast remark you’ll hear :— : I’ve had enough of this. Let’s go and doa beer!” mn D ?” Quite likely, Sir; but then we ain’t al/ wise ; Andthe last thing.aparty learns is how to use his eyes ; The mouth comes billion, I su a donkey can’t miss that ; But till the head gets furnished | ike, eye-work falls awful flat. Holidays, Sir, is very well. J like one now and then (A little water with that lot. Allow mg, Sir! Say when !)— And thanks to Lusnocx and the rest, I say, Sir, for extending ’em ; But what we Britishers now want is livelier ways of spending ’em. Ashow? Well, that’s for wise ’uns; it’s beyond me altogether. For one thing, weve to circumwent this blessed English weather. ‘That ’s a sweet job for Science. Then we want new sorts o’ funs; You won’t stop drink and ’oss-play with ginger-beer and buns ; And if Invention ’s game to try what she can do, why let her, But she won’t choke men off the bad unless she gives ’em better. Dulness and drink spile holidays, like most things, and, what’s wus, They play into each other’s hand, and give full hands to us. Kill one kill both, and honest fun will banish drunken gee (Well, since you are so pressing, 8’ pose we say a 8S. and B.) Wuat Six Heyry Bessemer may co To SreeP 1N.—A Steel (K)night-cap. \ |

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Se aa Nitin > ph tale oe ees ee nee an a ee ED ee — =n —" 270 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [June 14, 1879, and warm; but as this was only play-acting, the soapsuds must DRINK! have come chilly. ; When we came back we had half a dozen more Acts just as ; (Different Stages.) beautiful as the first. There was a Working-man, one Bouget, I Mr. Puncn, Srp, think, a sort of overgrown Band of’ pest, as spoke quite beautiful I am a Working-man as likes my drop o’ lush, in a quiet about temperance. It had done him a deal of he said ; and he way, and I wun to tell you about that new play at the Princesses, did seem to have plenty of spare time upon his han —\e a as they ’ve chris- = j made it out, he had tened Drink, and ——— | adwertised in big S4Re > Will) > Ad ~ PES ett nothing to do but letters all about, 4 | f i |e ' : BP >s OMAN eae. walk about in a wich I didn’t think | Pao)!" TP RAENESSOB INS 2 ot at a 2 a jumper, rather short Drink wanted any | '¥¥ A539 Soir dh Be ) Ky SR) Ny aR) . o> a) in the front, but as adwertising. An- | Tee Wy i b hess” per clean as a new pin. other bit of play- | Sem i 7 6 OW r} oy BM XE Afterwards, me acting at another \ oe: OW we 5 and my Missus and theatre made a some of my mates ‘repentant jockey”’ ad as we had met, h as said he was so) a chat over what he write to the good had said at the gentleman at the public round the other theatre to say corner, and agreed as how he had given up pulling horses and other it was beautiful. Then there was an accident of a Work- vicious courses, If ing-man tumbling he did it, why from the scaffold, as shouldn’t I ? natural as possible, This is how my Missus and I came to go. We had seen a bottle of what seemed to be fancy soap cut into the shape of parties’ heads like as they was preserved in liquor, on all the hoardings, and on many of the sand- wich-boards. ‘This was labelled Drink right enough, and it said as how it could be got at the Prin- cesses, and so to the Princesses we went to try to get it. Bat lor bless you, Sir, we | were disappointed. It wasn’t liquor, but a piece of play-act- acting ! All the same, if a disappointment at first, it turned out beautiful. At our Institution we have got the works of Mr. Dickens, and 1 know all about Mr. Vin- cent Crummies, the theatrical gentleman as was so proud of the pump and the washin’-tuib. How he would have stared for I see one of my mates fall in the same way. It gave my Missus quite a turn, ’cos she knew the widow; and we’d a friendly lead at the Goose-Club for her and the kids ; and we ames ight again until we both had a little something to cheer us up a bit. But what pleased my Missus most was : en _ of the ree-spoken young sutis oosd "wn.ot reg un at heart, which the other was as bad as bad could be—and didn’t we hiss her!— come on starving. Whileshe wasalyin’ in the snow, she’d a fancy she see some angels, and was axed up to join ’em. Wich she was just going: when the lacksmith, as looked cleaner ever, comes up and es a = a they sold ready-dressed SS to have seen the wittles, sich as First Act at the lobsters, and raised- Princesses! Notone pies, and things as tub, Sir, but a whole you'll see in Soho wash’us with an and Piccadilly number of ’em. An as may be wery then when the two we a ae og pee P~ REFINEMENTS OF MODERN SPEECH. S— po pitehing into one Scene—A Drawing-room in ‘‘ Passionate Brompton.” ad = m = ie 5 Fair “Esthetic (suddenly, and in deepest tones, to Smith, who has just been introduced to take out | in a utiful out lovely! Me and her in to Dinner). “‘ Ake you Jyrzwsz!” cloak that must my Missus was that ~—_ have cost unds overcome we was obliged to get a little refreshment at the bar at | and pounds, and the most stylish bonnet I ever see, quite in t the back o’ the Gallery, to set us right. My Missus said it would | Street style, and said he would marry her. Oh, it was lovely! have done them two young Ladies to have joined us, as they Then the snow stopped, and everybody was as happy as happy. roust have been drenched to the skin, poor things! You see if| But what pl me most was that . e rom the it had been a real row their feelings would have kept them nice horrors. It was as true astrue can be. 1’ve never had ’em myself,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—June 14, 1879. o> es "45 gh 27S y — OOF Way «il a ) MN ’ fi ll } A DISILLUSION. Mar. Butt (aside), “‘ WHY—BLESS MY SOUL!—I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE HAD A MINT 0’ MONEY!”

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sng an ou; |

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because times have been very hard of late, Sir, and a poor man can scarcely afford anything. But I’ve seed two shopmates as had ’em, and I seen ’em both in the orspital, and what that there chap at the Princesses tipped us was the real thing and no mistake, rats and snakes, and black beetles and all, till it give me and my Missus a turn, and we wos obliged to go out and get a little something to set us right. Yes, Sir, Drink is a moral drama if ever there was one. It ought to do a deal of good. And as I think it over, I feel as 1 want a little something just to take the taste on it out o’ my mouth. Which I remain yours respectfully, ONE AS IS A-THINKING SERIOUSLY OF TAKING THE PLEDGE, BUT DON’T SEE HIS WAY TO IT YET.

7EM. E see MAKING THE BEST OF that when Abyssi- vy nian Pumps were applied for “* through proper channel” for the use of the South-African Force, the answer was that there were. no pumps in store (except, of course, the official ones, which eo not be spared), but that the force could have any amount of coal-scuttles. As we may expect the stores will soon be out of ‘Solar Topees,” may we suggest a use for the coal- ante. as << = “ the Vy cay: » Who are — the force for the W. 0. to send out against the naked and light-/! heeled Zulus. Thus, with coal-scuttles for helmets, and pokers for swords, the South-African heavy Cavalry Force will be a complete case of the right men in the right place with the right equipment !

PUNCH AT THE FRENCH PLAY. Next to his own immortal performance, and after himself, as the oldest-established and best performer now travelling, Punch is pre- pes to concede to the performances and performers of La Comédie ‘rancaise the first place on earthly boards. His pleasure has been great to weleome them and their admirable Art to the Gaiety— transformed to the Théatre Francais for thirty nights to come, during which its 8 and Auditorium will be oceupied by such companies as are not likely to be again recorded in the chronicles of HoLiinesHEAD, Only one thing to be regretted, that, as our Actors are all in full work, and as no English Actor in full work ever has a night's leisure, it is impossible for them to sit under the correction of these the | choicest of their confréres of the French theatre. And yet there are so many lessons to be learnt, that so need | learning, more perhers, by English Managers even than English Actors, and, above , by English Stage-Manigers if there were | such a thing, which, so far as Punch is aware, except | in two or three theatres, there is not ! To begin at the beginning, there was the crowd and the crush of | the opening night—a business of ing into the house, only to be | compensated by the bill of fare when you did get in. | First came the introduction of Morrtxe and his children to | SHAKSPEARE and his children, in the sonorous and musical lines of | M. Jean Atcanp, declaimed by M. Gor as gracefully as Punch himself could have done it. Then came, as relevé and picce de résist- ance at once, the « side of Morrzre, in Le Misanthrope, done | toa turn. (Punch takes off his cap to M. Deraunar!) Then, as entremets, the Second Act of Phédre, with the feverish fire and pas- sionate grace of Saran Bernwarvt (at whose feet Punch pros- trates himself, and kisses the hem of her peplon). And “astly, as dessert and bonne-bouche, Les Précieuses Ridicules ! Punch salutes the Brothers CoquE in ! And as it was in the begirning, so it has been since—a quick succession of con pieces, all worth seeing for some special point of consummate Art, and, still more, for the perfection of

a statement | 700m of uli | labour, the most and re he thinks of either Mesdames de la Comédie or of Mesdames ensemble common to them all. Perhaps the most perfectly delight- ful, as the purest of the series, is Za Joie fait Peur. That CornertLe’s Menteur and Motrbre’s Misanthrope are sli bt old fostiioned, is not to be denied. But it is worth seeing w fe can be given, even to pieces like these, belonging as com- pletely to the istoric Stage as the Mammoth or the Mastodon to the prehistoric earth, by the buoyancy and fervour of such a jeune premier as DELAUNAY, and the finished art and many-sided humour of such premiers comiques as Got and Coqueiy. In plays that deal with our own times, like LZ’ Etrangére and Le Fils Naturel, allowing for their superabundance of good talk and bad morals, to follow the movement of the scene when that mysterious i Mistress Clarkson, in the person of Saran BeRnuanpt, black and yellow dress, like a beautiful Boa BE, for the night, having evidently doubled parts with introduced into the Duchesse de Septmonts’ drawing- he wretched little Duke’s arm; to assist at the return visit Duchess when the fascinating incarnation of Woman's Rev on Man tells her horrible story to the innocent vic- tim of Man’s on Woman ; to study CoquveLin’s embodi- -bred, plucky devilry in the Duc—‘‘a little ainy ’—in contrast with Frsvee’s incarnation of courage, roughness, readiness, and resource in Clarkson, is a revelation of thorough command of all the resources —carried to their highest point by dint of the most patient i ing and the most constant re- ference to truth and nature,—which is, in itself, for English actors and audiences both, ‘‘ a liberal education.” These strange Actors have no lines rigidly ruled for them. Their Low Comedians do not make it their first object to be recognised as soon as they show their faces, and to a their identity when- ever they open their mouths. They the mask of the man with his manners. re is TutRon, in Gorgibus of Les Précieuses Ridicules, not a bit like Turron in the Marquis of Le Fils Naturel, iceat ’ Etrangére ; CoquELtn, three as distinct } seen 8 sTONE, and Lord BraconsFIe.p, in Mascarille, assing in one the dep and a ity combined, bdesta Claudio of Les Caprices de Marianne, to the jodness and loving-kind in that jewel of an old of La Joie fait Peur. evén if our English 9 anythi ike this—and we have some, thank our something not so far below it—they never have running till the Actors haven’t a breath - a 5 cae, i aan Sean, e~ res among their fellows public for truth and nature. Money, one would say by what one sees, is the primum mobile of the House of SHAKSPEARE ; Art seems the moving principle of the House of Motrtre— “ Tis true, tis pity, Pity 'tis "tis Gua All the faults of our Actors which SHaxsPxare reproves through the lips of Hamlet, are as rampant now as they were when he wrote his advice to the players, and Ege the Hamlet who delivers the . ae ere ; against it. “ ut AKSPEARE remains SuHaxksreare, as Morikre remains Moire. Great wri consummate dramatist as was the father of the Théatre Francais, his or @ while SHAKSPEARE’s are living men and women. An ideal ‘ of SHAxKsPEAne”’ wherein those men and women should be embodied with an Art as consummate as that of the Actors. of La Comédie Francaise, would be as much grander a i ible ‘‘ House of Morrkee” as Versailles is ham Palace ; Gor, th of callous criminality are embodied humours here Punch must pause. He is afraid y-house—for fear of their Ten Commandments. up courage by next week. fa meantime he recommends his readers to lose no opportunity _ want to see the best Theatrical Art of this generation—of following the course of French performances now being given at the Gaiety—after first reading the plays, that they may the better understand and enjoy the acting. Finally, he begs to consign to that place where only his own arts of suffocation can be surpassed the architect of the Gaiety Theatre— icularly its upper boxes and its means of exit. He has asked is readers to frequent that theatre. Those of them who cannot go beyond five shi must be content to pay an extra amount of ily suffering which nothing less than the artistic pleasure he promises them could compensate. It may be doubted if even that compensation is adequate. Punch defies it—but then Punch has a stall, and means to pay for it! If that isn’t a tribute to La Comédie Francaise, he would be glad to know what could be! He may

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274 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juxe 14, 1879, “ SWEET LITTLE BUTTERCUP;” Or, Ant-EmBROIDERY, 1879.

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June 14, 1879.) CHARIVARI. 275 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Z ; Rn 4&4) ZeBL-p-= & 4a VF ORE 5 Be yo i “Pag (Fo if . “se a7 %y y fi j H/ Ga} “Dw A CASE OF “NO COMPRENNY.” ‘*Ha! Mistare Rosinson! ’Ow po you po? ’AV You SEEN ZE LAST NEW PigcE AT Ze ’OLLEBORNE? Svupairee! SpLrenpeEp!! Goop!!!” ‘* A—No—I DON’T PATRONISE THE Enciish Drama. I Like Finisa, Dewi- CACY, REFINEMENT; AND I’m HAppPy TO say I’VE sECURED TICKETS FOR ALL THE Frenca Puiays!” “*Trens! Mais vous SAVEZ LE FRANCAIS, ALORS?” ** A—I BEG YOUR PARDON?” ‘*Jz VOUS DEMANDE SI VOUS SAVEZ LE FRANCAIS, PARBLEU! CRUCHE, Meton, Baupet, Dinpz, Joparp, Cxérin, Momig, CoLin-MAILLARD QUE vous frEs?” ** A—quiTE 80! No povst! A—BY THE BYE, HAVE YOU SEEN JoNES LATELY ?” OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. Nothing much—Magnifico-- Gaiety— Olympic— French—English—Mother— Venice—Ancient— I liusion—Summary— Postscript. Or course just now in the theatrical world of London it’s omne ignotum pro magnifico—the magnifico being the Comédie Francaise Company now at the Gaiety Theatre, to which, naturally, M. le Redacteur-en-Chef devotes what is supposed to be his leisure. ‘The performance of that Company is a treat, | admit—a genuine treat; and it may be for years, or it may be for never, that I shall ever have the chance of witnessing—on this side of the Channel, without the intervention of those confounded waves about which Britons boast so much, and which a cordially detest—the ensemble, the galaxy, that now coruscates at the Gaiety Theatre. @ genuine Gaiety Company, Miles. Nerire Farren, Vavenan, &c., are just now strolling players about the provinces, with, by the way, a grand per- formance under Koyal patronage at Yarmouth. ‘‘ The Return of the Native” will be early in July. Yet there are many things Eaglish to be seen in town. ** Who was it caught me in Pali Mall, And told me what he ’d got to tell, That I must see what goes so well ?— The Mother.” I’m fied they ’ve found the Mother at the Olympic at last. First they had The Two Orphans, then Married not Mated (which was satisfactory), and now we've got The Mother. Of course the first question is, ‘‘ How’s your Mother?” Well, I saw her last night, and I think she is doing as well as, or better, than could be expected. She has only been out a week or so, poor thing ! The bra is marvellous in costumes and effects, and ‘‘ Beautiful Venice” is just now the pride of Leicester Square; and when the entranced spectator comes out into a lovely rainy night (here we are again, in June!), he can keep up the ilfasion by sending a waterman for a gondola on wheels. , propos of illusions, more or less delightful, I was invited, the other day, to witness the new illusion at the same old place—the Home of Science in Regent Street —the ancient Polytechnic. “* Scenes of my childhood, once more I behold you!” There ’s the diving-bell,—and the diver ;fand the brass knobs, every one of which I regard suspiciously, as being charged with electricity, and ready to thrill me to the very tips of my boots if I dare lay rash hands on any one of them. And there are the models which have never been perfected—only inventions born but to be registered, and die; and there are the models of suc- cessful inventions that have brought fame and fortune to their proprietors; and there is the man who, almost angrily, insists on cutting out your profile in black, in less time than I take to tell of his existence; and there are the ships, and the cables, and the Flying Léotard Doll—this is a late innovation, and would not have been tolerated in my scientific age when I was a boy,—and there are the merry-go-round and optical illusions, and the noise of machinery, and the glass manufacturers, and the dust, and the mysterious sounds of music, and of someone ing, and a general atmosphere of lecturers oo and gone, but still pervading the place, and smiling nignly on their successors who adhere to the old paths, and weeping over the degeneracy of the Public that craves for more amusement than instruction. 1 had often seen Pepren’s Ghost, and once I have had an interview with Professor Perper himself, but this was years ago, and now the Professor has gone to Aus- tralia ; and, as there is still a mysterious spectre roaming about the te bay I sup he may sing to the tune of ** The Girl I Left Behind Me,”— “T've gone away To Austra-li-a, So all know where to find me ; I shall not return for many a day, But—I’ ve left my Ghost behind me.” Only—I am not quite clear whether the Ghost, or the Illusion, as the mysterious apparition is now called at the Polytechnic, is the property of the Professor or of its inventor, Mr. Brapy; but, anyhow, it is a wonderful effect, and, as a Statue becomes endowed with life and then returns to its former inanimate material, Metempsy- chosis might be used to illustrate the story of Pygmalion and Galatea, though the audience there, having pro- bably had enough of science and instruction, would prefer to be more amused than merely interested, and unless something like the German burlesque 7 on this subject were given, the simple story itself might become a trifle tedious in dumb-show. hree comparatively old French pieces are in process of being tackled by as many British dramatists, the re- sult of whose struggles will be seen during the next autumn and winter season, and Miss Nerison, after a brief but glorious career at the Adelphi, will leave Eng- land in the Autumn for two years. "Tis true, ’tis pity. Mr. Irvine is having quite a rollicking time of it at the Lyceum, with a round of revivals, and will try to improve on the old Corsican Brothers—poor old twins !— when he reproduces them. Mr. Fecuter attempted im- provements on KEan’s version, and it was a big mistake, Once since then I saw the melodrama, with I forget what ometn , at the Princess’s, and it seemed to me to be dull, fhat stale, and I should say unprofitable. Was it that the old illusion of oe gone by had departed? Was it that the “‘Ghost melody” had lost its charm? Was it that, since the mania for Spiritualism, I expected more from the Ghost than the Ghost was able to give? Was it use I knew how it was done, and it was no longer a clever illusion? Or was it that T had dined wisely and well, and felt satisfied with myself

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ee ok php: we ee ae cy aks a 4 276 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 14, 1879. alone, and sleepy to all the world? I do not know. But of this | am sure, that 1 am, as ever, . Your REPRESENTATIVE. P.S.—On Feeling Sle Permit me one word more before I close my letter and my eyes. Here is a book before me called Sweet Sleep. An author who adopts this title boldly disarms criticism—unless the work keeps the reader awake. I remember a collection of stories, entitled Avant de Souffler la Bougie. 1 rather fancy they were all ghost stories, so that you didn’t like to souffer your bougie until you were quite certain there wasn’t a bougie—I should say a bogie— in the room. The only fault I can find with M. Dunpure’s Sweet Sleep is, that, when you have read one Essay, you will probably want to look at the next, and most certainly you will if you commence with the melancholy story (it is a ghost story) of the celebrated unfortunate Miss Barry, done into Latin in a style that would have delighted old Father Provt. Grorer Cotman the Younger had no more regard even to burlesque rhyme, than had Burer in his Hudibras, when he wrote— “ Dear Corpse,” says he, “since you and I accounts must once for all close, I've got a one-pound note in my regimental small-clothes.” That’s not much for rhyme or metre, but Mr. Dunpure has im- proved on it, Latiné, thus— “Tune Miles, ‘ Rationem nunc oportet tibi dari, Est unum mihi solidum in zona militari.’”’ That seems to me happy, and so also the refrain— “© Bata, infortunata Baia ! Quam pudet me, quam tadet me, O miserenda Baia!” The musical pieces in London are doing well, and Drink is well advertised in the public-house windows. SONS OF NEPTUNE AND MARS. J Nw Wednesday last week a battalion of the Royal Marines, amidst hurrahs, em- barked at Portsmouth for Zululand. The per- mission given the Marines to join the Army in the campaign against CETEWAYO, is regarded as a recogni- tion, though a tardy one, of the value of the ser- vices ever wont to be rendered at need by that gallant and_ effective, but hitherto somewhat - snubbed and sat-upon, =foree. It is, however, only a partial tribute of honour to whom honour is due. The Marines to whom this concession has at length been made, are limited to Artillery and Light ‘Infantry. They include no Cavalry. . —_— Why will Government still obstinately persist in ignoring the Horse Marines ? The Wisest and Best. Wirn a view to appease the discontent created in the Deccan by money-lenders whose extortion has provoked dacoity, and made | the ryots riotous, a Bill is about to be introduced on the part of Government, providing, it is said, for the revival of the old village Punchayet. Itis further stated that the Punchayet has been very successfully introduced into Ceylon. Very likely. The Punchayet is deseribed as a council of elders which used to adjudicate upon land, money-lending cases, and petty assaults. It is, in fact, a local Collective Wisdom, or Wittenagemote of the very Wisest—as the first syllable of the word implies. SOMETHING TO STAND ON. Tere has been considerable question as to the head-gear of the Prince of Burearta. There can be none as to his foot-gear— Balmorals ! 4@ ‘Vo Cosansronpants.— The Bdvior does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, er THE BESSEMER SPURS. Tae Improver of Steel Manufacture has won his spurs—the spurs of Knighthood. He had earned them long ago by overcoming the obstinacy of pig-iron, and showing how to convert it, cheaply and quickly, into steel, Why did the British Government persistently refuse Mr. (now Sir Henry) Bessem ae pecan to receive the Grand Cross of the Legion of Honour, awarded to _ on condition that they would let him wear it, by the late Emperor of the French? Because the British Government chose to play ee in the manger. It would neither give a great inventor recognition itself nor suffer a foreign Power to do so. Now that at Her Majesty’s advisers have done Bessemer right, and dub im knight, per ps they may be ready to admit that there ca no earthly reason why ei he or any other of Her Majesty's deserving wales should be denied the liberty to bear about him at his button-hole, on his bosom, in his hat, or elsewhere, any decoration confe: upon him by any neighbouring and friendly ‘* Fountain of Honour.” A CAPITAL COMPROMISE. Avexo Pasua should, the Mussulman says, Have, at far Phillipopolis, s a fez; But Bulgaria’s people declared he should not ; They ’d have him appear in the Frank chimney-pot. But he knew a trick better than this or than that, So ALEKo wore neither a fez nor a hat: He appeared—for ’cute compromise showing a knack— In a native and neutral Bulgarian calpak. AeKo Pasa seems a sensible chap, Who, whatever he wears, will not wear a fool’s cap. Withinside his calpak there ’s a head that contains, As he'll show, let us hope, a good cargo of brains. HONOUR WHERE HONOUR IS DUE. “Tue Quren anp Sr. Karuerine’s Hosprrau.—Yesterday afternoon, in the Board-room of the Westminster Hospital, the first three St. Katherine's Nurses were invested with the Royal badge of the Order, which carries with it an allowance of £50 per annum.” Honour to Her Masesty, who honours herself and her sex in thus founding a “‘ Nursing Order of St. Katherine.” Can honours more honourable to giver and receivers alike, flow from England’s Foun- tain of Honour? Surely not. And that thisnew Order should have been inaugurated by the badging and endowing of these Sisters of the particular Nursing Society founded by Lady Aveusta Stantey, in Westminster, and well within the sunshine of Royal favour, is their good fortune, and no unfairness to others not less deserving, if less within ken of the QueEN. It is a case, not of a St. Katherine pear, but of a St. Katherine trio, ‘‘ the side that’s next the sun,” as SUCKLING sings in his sweet lines On a Wedding. Remunerative Employment for Young Ladies. Tax of the difficulty of finding a’ for educated women ! Read this, from a recent Number of the Daily Telegraph :— N O SALARY.—WANTED, NURSERY GOVERNESS, from 25 to 30, and to superintend six children. Good needlework essential. Washing found.—Address, &c. Of course, with nursery-maid at £18 a-year, parlour-maid at £20, and cook at £30, there can’t be much left for the nursery-governess, but there is always the comfortable home and the washing. A SERIOUS MISHAP, WE regret to hear that Short Service (by Cardwell, out of War Office), who had been entered by his owner, J. Butt, Esq., for the eat European Military Flat Race, and heavily backed, has broken own, and will have to be struck out of the race. Query rrom Grrron.—If Pre-adamite means ‘before ADAM,” does Primeval mean ‘* before Eve?” THE BEST PLACE FOR THE OVERWORKED CURATE (in his own opinion).—By the See side. Tae Cure ror Russtan Nrariism.-—Annihilation. for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompaiiicd by © ‘ stamped and directed envelope should be kept. J ot ae

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Jung 21, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. by, Wa qv Fe hy. Ny ~ i OR. ¥, ON etna ac etl abe see HALFWAY UP THE HILL. Grandpapa, ‘‘By Groret, I MUST STOP AND BLOW A BIT, TomMMY Tommy. ‘‘ Ai ~icHT, Granppara! I’ve cor a Srone your Her!” ——>— THE ANDERSONS’ GOLDEN WEDDING. (For translation into German.) Joun ANDERSON my jo, Jomy, Since we for gude were wed, Just fifty years ha’ shed their snaws Upon your pouthered head. And Senet we ’re baith grown auld, Jonn, And doddery and slow, We'll keep our gowden weddin’-day, Joun ANDERSON my jo! Joun ANDERSON my jo, JoHN, We'll climb a coach thegither, An’ when the breakfast’s owre, Jonny, aff wi’ ane anither ; And whilst our wheels ahint, Jonny, Auld shoon the neebors throw, We'll to our gowden honeymoon, Jouw ANDERSON my jo! 4| BOUNCING BUTTERFLIES. Attrnovenr the Whitsuntide holidays were over, and arlia was sitting, a telegram from Geneva, tran- scending all record of the enormous gooseberry order, TO PUT UNDER announced the other day that :— “On Saturday the commune of Wetzikon, Canton Zurich, was invaded by an immense swarm of butterflies a kilometre wide, and so long that the procession took two hours to pass, They were principally of the kind known in Switzerland as Distelfaiter, which feed on nettles and thistles.”’ These more than wen butterflies must have swept all the nettles and thistles in Switzerland off the face of the earth. What a benefit for all Switzers except goldfinches and di s! Fancy a swarm of butterflies a kilométre wide and long in proportion! . No wonder the swarm two hours to pass in procession. In the meanwhile there must of course have been a total eclipse of the sun. A MANIA. DistracteD enthusiasts are raving about Mile. Sanan Bernnarpt. At night, in the neighbourhood of Chi journalists are a ester Square, 8.W., wild young heard singing, “‘J’ve gone wrong for the sake of Sarah!” OUR “HUNDRED GREATEST MEN” (AND WOMEN). Mr. Ponca has had an advertisement forwarded to him of a work now in course of publication, entitled The Hundred Greatest Men: Lives and Portraits of the One Hundred Greatest Men of Histor —together with a petition, respectfully and re bly signed, praying him to favour the world with a list of those whom he con- siders to be the “‘ Hundred Greatest Men of History.” Mr. Punch has taken infinite pains to comply with this request in a liberal, comprehensive, cosmopolitan, and internatio spirit, and feels certain that universal satisfaction will be entertained at his recog- nition of the claims of Women to be included in the illustrious Catalogue. Mr. Punch’s List, which, for convenience of reference, is divided into Classes, stands as follows :— H.M. King Arthur, H.M. King Cole, H.M. the King of the Can- nibal Islands, Pope Joan, Queen Mab, H.R.H. Duke Humphrey, Blue Beard. f Gog, Magog, the Lord Mayor, the Sheriffs. Lord Dundreary. Sir R. de Coverley, Sir John Falstaff, Sir John Barleycorn, Sir Jeffery Hudson. Don Quixote, Don Juan, Count Fathom, Baron Munchausen, Dr. Faustus, Professor Teufelsdréickh, Mynheer yon Dunk, Rip van Winkle, Diedrich Knickerbocker, Sancho Panza, Mephistopheles, the Flying Dutchman, the Wandering Jew, Prester John. ‘ + ogee Bounce, Captain Bobadil, Captain Macheath, Captain suttle. Mr. R. Crusoe, Mr. Friday, Mr. Lemuel Gulliver, Mr. Peter Wilkins. Mr. Justice Shallow, Judge Lynch, Mr. John Ketch, Mr. Bumble. Rev. Dr. Primrose, Rey. A. Adams, Dr. Syntax. St. Jingo, Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Father Prout. Mr. John Sheppard, Mr. Jonathan Wild, Mr. G. Faux, Mr. Jeremy Diddler. Rob Roy, Robin Hood, Little John. VoL. LXXv!. Rory O’More, Tam O'Shanter. Daniel Lambert. Mr. John Robi Mr. John Horner, Mr. John Frost, Mr. John Straw, Mr. and Mrs. John Sprat, and Mr. John Bull. Mr, Thomas Tiddler, Mr. Thomas Thumb. Mr. E. Cocker, Mr. Cockle. The Siamese Twins, The Three Tailors of Tooley Street, The Seven Wise Men of Greece. f Mr. Brown, Mr. Jones, Mr. Robinson. Mr. Bell, Sylvanus Urban, Junius. ' Lady Bountiful, Madame Tussaud, Mrs. Grundy, Mrs. Harris, Mrs. Malapro , Mrs. Partington, Mrs. Glasse, Mrs. Rundell, Mrs, ‘* Mother ”’) Hubbard, and Miss Sarah Lunn. Mr. Punch! (For Portraits, by the best masters, old, mediwval, and modern, apply at the Office.) Punch’s Nursery Rhyme for Sir Henry Drummond Wolff. (On his return from Philippopolis.) Cocx-A-HooP, cock-a-hoop, BEACONSFIELD’s man, Make of Eastern Koumelia the best that you can. Cut it, and carve it, and mark it with “ B,” Then leave it to Time, and see what you will see! ‘* DRINK,” IN THREE ACTS, Let us have some more ! Le’s ha’ s’more ! L’ Assommoir bY PA ovr Cat says (she likes to be in the fashion).—La Joie fait urr.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 21, 1879, | PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Ws 7 SS Yi ~w MownpAy, June 9.—Parliament pulled itself together again, by a great effort, after the Whitsuntide recess. Anything duller could | not well be imagined than the assembling of our young,and old | friends. Punch feels prompted to sing— ** Uprouse ye, then, my weary, dreary men, It 18 your opening day.’ The first night was devoted to Demand and Supply ;—Demand, in the shape of questions; Supply, in the form of Civil Service Estimates. Sir Witrrr Lawson, inguiring the last news of Cerewayo, Sir M. Hicxs-Beacu told him that messengers had come from the Zulu King, on oy ay Sn desire for peace, but not charged with terms. CerewaYo has mn told to not to Bath, but to CueLmsrorp ; but will, probably, have to deal with Sir Garner. The war halts for want of means of transport out there; and{no wonder when it creates so little transport here.

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Ff June 21, 1879.]} “THE SOLDIER’S TEAR.”’—0id Song. Officer (to Royal Marine who has just been inspected to go to Zululand), **‘ WHat’s THAT MAN CRYING FoR? WHAT ARE YOU CRYING For, Sir?” Joe. ** Boo-H00! WuHA’s THE GOOD 0’ Gorn’ Now!? We ovent To ‘a’ Gonz A YEAR Aco!!” [ Exit, sobbing, to the Canteen. Mr. Bourke told Sir T. Camppett that the SuLTaN is going to submit the reorganisation of his European provinces, not taken in and done for at Berlin, to local commissioners. This is by Sir H. LAYARD’s advice—excellent advice, but like good physic, of no use till taken. Punch quotes Portia :—‘‘If to do were as easy as to know what were to do!” By half-past four the House was in Committee of Supply, and remained there, with very small jereres to a great deal of prosing, for the best part of the night. One Vote, that on Scotch Prisons, took two hours and a , and Mr. Parwett Divided 4 to 152 against the salary of a Scripture Reader at Perth! De minimis, si non curat lex, curant legslatores. All the opposed Irish Votes were postponed after a wrangle, and Progress was reported after one Vote for salaries and su: nnuation allowances hal been disposed of. With this tale of and work and the formal forwarding of a Law Bill a stage, the House was busy till elose on three in the morn- | ing. “ Sedet eternu sedebit, infeliz.” Like Juliet, it speaks but it says nothing, and does the same, and it is not like the sailor’s voiceless parrot—it does not think the more. Tuesday.—A Morning Sitting. Colonel Gourtey (Volunteer) wants to know what the inquiry on Army Organisation is to inquire into, and who are to be the inquirers. Colonel Srantey tells him the inquiry is to be into the working of Short Service, the Reserves, and the Localisation-scheme. It is to be co uU y a mm mot a ya ommission—or re ar mducted by a Committee—not a Royal C issi f regul officers, having nothing to do with War-Office or Horse Guards. Sir H. Havetock condemned the composition of the Committee in advance. So did Sir A. Gorpoy. It will satisfy neither the Army nor the Public. (Query per Punch. What will ?) Then the House was delivered of a deal of “‘skimble skamble stuff,” on the subject of Army Organisation, in which Mr. Hotms (of course), Sir G. CampBELL, who must have his tongue in any talk that is going, and Mr, Stormy Perret Parnece took part. At last, seeing the night wearing on in idle chatter—with the on the wing, and business in arrear—the CHAaNcELLor of the Excuraver broke out into a wail of unwonted vigour, declarin it impossible for Parliament to get on with its work in the face o such fearful waste of wind—‘‘ which nobody will deny.” Broputrs “ reigns in Cyprus;” if anybody (except the BrnpuLrx connection), particularly cares to know. The House spent the rest of the sitting on one (the Punishment) Clause—the Cat’s Clause, it may be called—of the Army Regulation Bill, with some hundred and fifty other clauses waiting. Mr. Horpwoop wants to limit lashes to six, which, multiplied by the cat’s tails, come to fifty-four. The House was still talking about this when the hour of adjourn- ment came. ’ In the Evening Sitting, Mr. Reatratp Yorke moved a Resolution to muzzle the London School Board. It is doing too much; going too fast; rating too high; teaching too many thi Ramco Fe 4 too many scholars ; building too handsome schools ; paying too hig salaries; in fact, altogether taking too much upon itself, and out of the pockets of the ge Bravo, Mr. Yorke! If we are to believe you, the Board has crushed the ragged-schools ; is extinguishing the voluntary schools ; is stamping out the middle-class schools; is travelling out of the region of three R’s; is defying the Education Department, and generally outrunning the constable all over the place. Altogether, the London School Board, in Mr. Yorxe’s eyes, is displaying a dis- gusting activity, and is ——v. ing the rate-payers fivepence in ae peas! Its rate ought to be kept down to tuppence. r. W. E. Forster, as the ’s foster-father, took up the cudgels for his forsterling. was spending too much, was it not an elected ? Were there not the rate-payers to stay its hands, and tie up their own purse-strings? But, after all yest sont era Se seunegets litan rates, ... and for what o fippence of rates was as good a return in value received ? : Punch agrees with Mr. Forster, that Yor«e is not wanted; and that his onslaught represents more hostility to the Board than zeal for economy or concern for the rate-payers.

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ahaa Rata oe tyne” “SRE PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [June 21, 1879, Lord Grorer Hamriton damned the Board with faint praise, and thought there was disquietude at the London scale of salaries. He hoped the Metion would not be pressed, as Government could neither vote for, nor against, it. Bravo, Lord Groree! nothing like plain speaking. But did you think that Punch was behind you, with a dream-Cartoon, of a cer- tain animal—not Bottom with an ass’s head, but with Lord B.’s head on an ass’s body—between two bundles ? The debate was adjourned, but is not likely to be resumed. If the School Board spends, it schools; and the best-spent money that is taken out of the pockets of the heavily-taxed London ratepayer is just, Punch verily believes, that School Board “‘ fippence.” Wednesday.—Mr. CHAMBERLAIN does not see why the polling- hours of our public Elections should not be from 8 to 8, and brings in a Bill to extend them accordingly. If it was feared that darkness would bring drunkenness, let them shut up the publics, after dark, at Election times. Mr. AssHeton moved the rejection of the Bill. Taking Elections into the — — was a return ee A be } would lead to increase of bribery, personation, P of darkness.” — Mr. WHEELHOUSE su the Bill on behalf of Leeds; so did Sir Caantes Drrxe, Mr. Ratnnowr, Dr. Cameron (of Glasgow), Mr. Hresert, Mr. Samvetsox, and Colonel Bexesrornp—Members for large boroughs. : Mr. W. E. Forsrer said it was difficult fer many electors, in large and widely-scattered boroughs, to record their yotes before four ; and he knew of no other remedy but this. Sir M. W. Rapury laid Ne on the objections of Mayors and Town-Clerks (Sir J. Herow, of Manchester, for one). __ : Ultimately, the Bill was rejected by 190 to 165—a division which marks the measure as one on its way to be carried. Though Punch finds it difficult to believe that any man who cares to vote is now prevented by the polling hours, he does not see why a working-man should be mul of his brief dinner-time. ‘‘ I’ve only an hour for my dinner,” says Too.z, in Todgers, and it is not pleasant to have to make that little less. It is all very well for Swells to sneer at the sacrifice, but they have more leisure than they know what to do with. Not so the working-man—except on his Saint Mondays—regularly once a week, ‘‘ with liberty to add to their number.” Thursday.—Question-time overflowed till nearly six, thanks to a row caused by Mr. O’DonNELL’s question to Sir M. H. Beacu about alleged atrocities committed by English soldiers in Zulu-land. The War-Office has directed an inquiry into these allegations. Sir M. H. Beacw insisting that anybody would have been satisfied with this but Mr. O’Dowwett, Mr. O’DonwneEL1, moving the adjournment of the House, declared he was no more satisfied with Colonel Stan- LeY’s inquiries than with Sir M. H. Beacu’s answers. This brought up half-a-dozen Members eager to tread on the tail of Mr. O’DonwEt’s coat, SvuLLIvaAN was strdightway in it, and Parnett. Then Forster and Newpegeare interfered to pour oil on the waters ; and the row ended, after loss of an hour and a half, with Mr. O’ DonweExt disclaiming all personal imputations, and explaining that he only meant that the Beaca of East Gloucestershire, like the Oak of Dodona, had been made the mouthpiece of evasive answers. The Cmancettor of the Exchequer, sanguine man, hopes that the South-African war will be brought to a close by the end of June, and will have cost only half a Million a month by the time all the bills come in. Walker! Adjourned debate on the Indian Budget. Was there ever heard such a thing! An Indian Budget discussed in Ascot week! Jonw BuLw’s eyes must be opening at last. India’s case is evidently serious. J. K. Cross, gloomy, Mr. Hupparp, hopeful, Mr. Gtapstone grave and ominous. The time seemed at hand, when, unless we could retrench Four Millions a year, we should have to take on our shoulders the responsibility of indian expenditure as well as our own, and carry an Indian Old Man of the Sea, as well as his British bretliren, on our own shoulders. It is well that Government has decided on retrenchment. But it has not the pluck to cut deep enough. All looks gloomy in the Indian Empire since we hailed our QvEEN ite@Empress—augmented taxes; Arms Act; Press Law; un- certain and inelastic revenue ; new territory ; more expensive frontier defences ; duties unadvisedly repealed ; licence-tax strained to dis- affection point! And how are the Four Millions a year to be cut off ? In civil expenditure something may be possible; more in military’ The ultimate responsibility rests with Parliament. Here we have a Treasury check: India has none. Mr. Smonterr congratulated Mr. Grapstore on his speech, and then proceeded to lash all round, laying his thong heaviest on the Duke of Arey, and his “‘ béte noire,” the Public Works Depart- ment, whose ‘‘ productive” works produced nothing but mischief. He gave a summary of the Company’s Government from 1814 com- pared with the Imperial Government from 1860. The first had made an Indian Empire, the last had made an Indian Bankruptcy. There was only one remedy, economy and reforms. But had the Govern- ment the pluck to retrench? The Departments were overloaded with officials, and they were the curse and the scourge of India, Five Millions a year could and should be saved, and contentment, comfort, and loyalty would be brought back to the Indian people. Mr. Ratnsone followed suit, with less of the whip. é : Mr. Goscren delivered an excellent exposition of the Silver diffi- culty. It was temporary, and what was most to be feared was empirical remedies. Only leave them alone, The rupees will come home, And leave no loss behind them ! But no tampering with the currency, Better the Me pene the precious metals than the vagaries of Viceroys and Le tures. Allow natural causes to work, and adjust your expenditure to the new price of the rupee. ; $ Ret ¢ Mr. Batrour, as a member of the Silver Committee, said ditto to Mr. GoscHen. i Mr. E. Stanmore put the best official face upon everything— advance of India, social, material, and moral; education ; finance; frontier wars ; remission of cotton duties; Arms Act and Vernacular Press censorship. He thought they could save Two Millions a year all round, and that continued year after year would put things straight and keep them straight. ae . Punch can only say as the 8 n said, in capital letters—‘‘ IF.” Sir G. Campneit doubted if the material condition of the people of India had wage oy | improved. ; And then the Five Million India Loan Bill was read a Second Time, and the House was Counted Out at a quarter past one on its first night’s really creditable—not doing—but talking, since its first night on the Indian Budget. , Bo let Jonnw Butt stomach his disillusion, and hold hard to the fact, that India is not worth a mint of money. Friday.—The Lords met and adjourned by half-past five, after forwarding some Bills a stage. Zhat the Lords can do, without ye gee it; whereas the Commons can talk about it but can- not do it. Commons.—Local Government of the Metoade, Heaven help our prospect of it, if it is to be gauged by to-night’s desultory talk. Then to Continuous Brakes. Agreed to leave their adoption to the proper feeling of the Railway Companies ! FARMER HAWFINCH’S DREAM. Loramassy, what wonderful pic- ters they be What we zees in our drames, or do sim fur to zee, When our eyes be fast closed in the dark and abed ! Have us got eyes behi eyes, inside o’ the head ? Gwiun whoam- ards from mar- kut at Win- chester town, I wus ketched in the raain dri- vun over the = -—— } _ And I’d got about ‘leven mile vurder to goo, Zo, afoor I rached whoam, I got drippun wet droo. For to ’vide ketchun cold, that night, ’fore I turned in, I mixed me a nightcap o’ hot beer and gin, And set out in the kitchen, and at ne > un there, Till a smokun my pipe I drapt off in my chair. I dremp I’d gone back to the pleace where I’d ben, And strolled down to the Close from ‘the Corn Markut then. The Cathadral was nigh when ut come on to er ; Zo I went and took shelter within from the shower. When lo and behold, unto me did a Dree wry-Tashionee figgers in robes t and queer, Stiff as shapes in staain’d winders of wi’ a thing Aitch atop of ’a’s head like a shiny gold ring.

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wy @te *t we oe = —_ June 21, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 281 ‘* Hawrincn,” hollered a vice, “‘ like a stuck pig doan’t stare ; This here is Saint Giles, and Saint Katturn that there. That ’s Saint Swithun, once Bishop as rooled this here see.” Varty ** Saint Swithun,” I heard them two ’tothers complaain, ‘* The farmers be cryun out ’long o’ the raain. Make hay whilst the sun shines ’tis useluss to zay, Whilst thee keep’st on downpowerun they can’t make no hay.” Saint Swithun, in aanswer, said, ‘‘ Never you fear. In good time and due sazon the skies Pil sweep clear. And the one wi’ a crook, standun ’twixt him and she, I’ve > lege oa ned = ; 3 My ty yey ; Then I woke wi’ a as a dramer med do; And I ho And St. that there as I dremp ool prove true ; withun gie over afoor ’tis too late Fur the grass the green crops as well as the whate. Harm en! DICKENS’S DICKENSIONARY OF LONDON. (Notes for a Happy-Thought Guide-Book to London.) An Unconventional Handbook which, as a Chatty Guide to our Metropolis, is well worth the outlay of a shilling. The visitor to London will find that he has secured in Mr. Coartes Dickens the . eempentonshtp of that invaluable person known on the Stage as Charles his Friend. Much wisdom is displayed in its arrangement, as for instance when the reader, wishing to know where he cam pure a in London, refers to the heading ‘‘ Carriages,” he will ni ** CARRIAGES.—(See Honrszs.) Isn’t this wisdom? Isn’t this Cartes his Friend’s most friendly way of delicately giving the very best advice? It means, of course, “first buy your horse, then get your carriage. Do you know the cost of a horse? of its keep? No? Then wait till you ’ve just gone into that subject, 4 friend. Anyway,” adds CuaRrues, that is, by implication, “‘in my Guide-book everythings done in order, and I don’t put the cart—I mean the carriage—before the horse.” To read aloud this item ‘‘CARRIAGES,.—(See Horses),” sounds to the lis- tener like a wrinkle for the Aquarium. Of course a carriage for “‘ sea horses” would be fitted with ‘‘ C springs.”’ The reader will also be amused by referring to CHAriEs his Friend’s notice of Boodle’s Club. He says, ** Repeated applications have failed to elicit any reply from the Secretary.’’ Fancy the Repeated applications! Here we are again, every morning, at the Secretary’s Office. Poor Cuartxs his Friend had a bad time of it. How- ever the joke doesn’t end here. Proceed with ‘‘ B,” and see what CHARLES says about Brooks’s Club. Then let us take another B in CuaRtes’s hive :— “ BRITISH MUSEUM.—(See Museum, Britisx.)” This is genuine humour. Humour! it’s inspiration. Inspiration!! Hang it! it’s a Happy Thought! The dream of my childhood has ever been to write a Guide-Book— The Happy Thought Guide to London! Oh, CHARLES, you are indeed my friend. CHARLIE is my darling! I shall arrange it all on the ‘‘ Carriage-see- Horses- Boodles- Brooks-and- Museum - British” plan. I’mon. I’m there! I’m everywhere. 1’ll put a girdle round the radius in less than two seconds. Here’s a specimen :— AFTERNOON.—(See ImprErtat.) AQUARIUM.—(See ArrEeRnoon.) AMERICA.—Not in London.—(See Untrep’ Srares.) _. AMUSEMENTS.—Different people have different opinions. What do you like yourself ? Write to Editor, inclosing six postage-stamps. ARMOURERS’ COMPANY.—(See Company or ARMOURER—and, as you can know a man’s character by the ounpeny he keeps, that will decide you as to whether you want to see any more of the Armourer.) ARTHUR’S Aaa ase of the name of Jomn can belong to this. All Arntuurs. His celebrated Round Table is kept here. Admission by front door. ASHES.—(See Vestry on this subject.) BADMINTON CLUB.—A Club instituted for the purchase of broken crockery or falsely-described china, Hence the name, ‘‘ Bad-Minton.” (For ** Good Minton,” see Bond StRExt.) BLACK-EY E—how to get ae CoALHEAVER.) BLOOMSBURY.—The most ips of London, Quite a Rus in urbe, as the Emperor of Russza said of himself, when he was last here. Hence its name, ‘* Blooms-bury,”’ which signifies a place where the Berries Bloom. (See 17.) An Island of the Blest. Tue Colonial Treasurer of New Zealand, who has lately made his financial statement to the Legislature of that happy island, is called —what do Punch’s readers think —The Hon. J. Bartance! Oh, if we could see him in the Exchequer at home! Come—BaLtLance— come to the Mother Country, that yearns for you! ‘Toe Greatest Haprrvess or tHe Greatest Nomerr.— Eating and ing. Tre New Oxrorp Commissioner.—Chaos come again, A CONFESSION. ’T1s often asked, what style of Girl Best pleases Punch: amidst the whirl Of London’s season, which, the pearl Of pearls great Punch would call ? To Punch all Girls are sweet as sweet, Brunette or blonde, grande or petite. He throws himself at their fair feet, And loves ’em, short or tall. Merry or earnest, plump or slim, Well-rounded charms, or svelte and trim,— Bless you! it’s all the same to him! e loves ’em, great and small. Clear eyes of gray, and azure blue, rown, hazel, black, and sapphire too ; And Irish eyes of violet hue— Punch \oves ’em, one and all. All locks he loves, in tress or braid, Front-frizzled, rough, or smoothly laid, Black, brown, and gol of every shade, Since Eve first ers fall. Sweet noses, be they short or long, ** Tip-tilted ” (as in Laureate’s song), P A 8 ht, aquiline—not one comes wrong— On P unch they never pall. Full lips that pout, shy lips that smile, Proud lips that curl, sly lips that wile ; All lips can Punch’s heart beguile At drum, or rout, or ball. S80 Punch each lovely damsel greets ; And vows that while his true eart beats, He loves not one, but all he meets, In palace, cot, or hall! A RHYME FROM ‘‘ HAMLET.” “ Prince ALEKO —— * Miching mallecho’— Means mischief.’ ce NR AR ORES: om oo heer snhe-enniaagnines cee! pod

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Ma oF salad nee oi a Dio + ga esi * @ 2 ee He - SE (Jone 21, 1879. ee _PUNCH, OR THE LO rar NN HI | | ; 1! THE POWER OF Pet Critic (soothingly). “Wet, I can’T CONSCIENTIOUSLY PRAISE IT, OLD Man! Bur |’LL TELL You waaT I’LL DO FOR YOU I'LL BLACKGUARD IT 80 FEARFULLY THAT LOTS OF PEOPLE WILL COME FORWARD, OUT OF FAIR PLAY, AND SWEAR IT’S THE GREATEST WorkK oF GENIUS THIS AGE HAS EVER SEEN!” Pictor Ignotus. *‘ THANKS, MY DEAR Boy, AND BLESS YOUR KIND Heart!” Uur UNSEASONABLE SEASONING. Spring. Ha! ha! My disguise, I conceive, is perfection. Summer. Ho! ho! Who would recognise Summer in me ? Spring. I leave poor mankind in the deepest dejection. Summer. 1 doubt if my advent will fill ’em with glee. Both. We’ve frozen ’em, drenched ’em, and cut off their sun, Till they ’re getting quite desperate. Isn’t it fun ? Spring. The Seasons? Ha! ha! Sounds ironical, very. Summer. An ancient distinction that’s obsolete quite ! Spring. Ho! ho! Why they used to consider me merry! Summer. And I was the blooming, the balmy, the bright ! Both. But the lyres of the poets are both out of tune, And December ’s no more like December than June. Spring. Just look at my nose! ’Tis as blue as old Winter's ! Summer. Twig my gingham and macintosh—pluvial, eh ? Spring. — showers’ I send mine in keen icy splinters. Summer. June blossoms? My deluge will make ’em look gay. Both, Ha! ha! We’re uncommonly like one another ; ’Tis six (months) of one, half-a-dozen of ’t’other ! Spring. Awful joke! Only change from Jack Frost to Aquarius! Summer. Rare lark ! Only choice between deluge and ice ! Spring. I’ve wintered, you water’em! Hope they ’re hilarious. Summer. They look must lugubrious. Isn ’t it nice ? Both. Together, alternately, Snow, Blow, and Flow Rule what once were the Seasons. Ha! ha! and ho! ho! [Left laughing, and be blowed to’em ! Naveuty Preopre.—The Nihilists. | and Joan,” arran NDON CHARIVARL > ‘4 SEE he | ‘ Wf Wi NN h tLe ’ Wit PUBLIC OPINION. Pictor Notus. ‘‘Ha! wa! HA! You AN Art-Critic? Way, HOW OLD ARE you, MY Lap?”’ Our Pet Critic (sternly). ‘‘lF YOU DARE TALK IN THAT WAY TO me, Sir, 1’LL BE HANGED iF I DON’T PUBLISH IT, AS MY EARNEST CONVICTION, THAT YOUR PICTURE IS THE ONE SUPREME AND CROWNING MASTERPIECE OF CONTEMPORARY ART!” [ Appalled by the threat, Pictor subsides. “A BERLIN!” Tae following gifts, offered to the rg te and Empress of Germany at the recent Golden Wedding at Berlin, by some mistake have not yet appeared in the official list of presents. From— The Emperor of Russia.—A suit of chain-armour (to be worn under a General’s uniform), warranted dagger and bullet-proof, and | a guide-book to Siberia. The President of the French Republic.—A Slang fa pf com- piled by the members of the Corps Legislatif, and edited by M. Paut | DE CASSAGNAC, The Sultan of Turkey.—Centrivances for floating loans in the | event of national shipwreck. The Khedive of Egypt.—A donkey-whip, and a patent screw press, adapted for pressing cotton and squeezing fellahs. Prince von Bismarck.—A patent gag, warranted to keep everybody quiet—for a time. Eari of Beaconsfield.—A golden wreath. (Idea borrowed from Tracey TURNERELLI.) The ex-Queen of —_— copy of the old English air, ‘* Darby or the castanets. Prussian Press.—A pair of rose-coloured Seertates, Be Mr. Holms, M.P.—An Essay by himself, entitled The Miltary Systems of England and Germany, from a Hackney point of view. The German Nation.—A complete set of Good Words. And Mr. Punch.—A ditto of good wishes. Very QuesTionaBLE.—Whoever attempts to rule the Irish Home- Rule Party, will he ever be other than a Butt—for all manner of arrows, poisoned and otherwise ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jone 21, 1879. UNSEASONABLE SEASONING. Scmuer (to Sprine), “ YOU WINTER'D ’EM!—l’VE WATER'D ’EM! LET’S HOPE THEY ’VE LIKED IT!!!” 1 4 os 2 at : i :

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June 21, 1879.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 285 QUEER SITE FOR A CHURCH. ‘*A proposal has been set on foot, with every prospect of success, to build a memorial church on a site which will \ bear a mournfal but immortal name in English history.””— Times. By all means raise a me- morial to the brave who fell at Isandlana; but would not a preferable place for it be inside St. Paul’s? Or if the monument must needs be a church, had it not better stand in some neigh- bourhood where it would have a chance of being occa- sionally occupied by a con- gregation? Have we gone the right way to convert the Zulus by invading their territory? Are they likel ever to frequent a pee | edifice erected on a battle- field which Christian and heathen have made memor- > able by mutual slaughter ? The only place of worship to build with propriety over interred carnage would be a Temple of Mars. THE GAY GROSVENOR GALLERY GUIDE. (A Personally-Conducted Tour through the Collection of Curiosities.) No.1. A Labour of Love. ._Mrs. Write. Love’s Labour —not lost, hope. Cupid is represented here as a Wylie little rogue. No. 2. Portrait of Herr Henschel. Atma TapeMa said, “’Tis essential I should paint the great Herr Henscuet.”’ Here is the Herr playing another H’air on the piano very forté. There is nobody else in the room, so he can make as much noise as he likes, But never mind, Herr. Walls have ears, and if you only kee » the forté, you ni bring down the house. orks by W. Bb. Ricumonp. Nos. 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10, 11. There are seven Richmonds in the field. No. 6. She must be a Giantess when she stands up. No.7. Daisy Houldsworth. Very melancholy expression. It ought to be Lack-a-daisy Houldsworth. 0.9. A Study in — and Shade. More fitted for a drawing- room than a study. Good. But send for the doctor. She must be unwell, Look at the colour of her lips! She’s the Lasso’ Rich- mond—’ill. She should go and kiss Canto Perieerr’s girl, ** Violets” (211), and take a little of the rouge off her ; she can spare it. As for the lips of the Lass o’ Richmond ’ill, they could never tell an but white lies—which brings us to No. 10. The End of the Story. No. 11. Portrait of Lieut.-Colonel T. White Thompson. Too White Thompson. Pale with rage; but, fortunately, the gallant warrior is separated from the artist hy a high and massive table. He is evidently some distance from Richmond. Perhaps, judging from the colour of his face, somewhere about Putty-ney. (Oh! No. 13. Arabs in the Museum of Algiers. By ¥F. Dicey. If we speak nowadays of So-and-so’s harmonies in colour, this must be one of Moor’s Melodies. No. 15. .A Morning Mist. Cxrcrt Lawsox. Well, Mr. Lawson, a Morning Mist is better than a Day Lost. You are fond of this as 0.16. Charing Cross Bridge. Midnight. A. Srvart-Wort- LEY. Ofcourse. Lost his way coming home from the Club. Won’t ge home till morning. is Bridge is exactly what he should have painted, because its Archie—Srvuart-W oRTLEY. No. 17. Psyche’s Toil in Venus’ Garden. E. Matruew Hare. The tale of Cupid and Psyche, illustrated, from the Morris Papers. The idea is Love in a Maize. No. 20. What’s this? A knight in armour, clawing with his left hand the shoulder of a shrinking girl, while in his right he holds a wn sword, threateningly. The idea conveyed is, ‘‘ Row between a Young Married Couple in the Olden Time.” Knight says, ‘ By my halidame, mistress mine, an ye say another angry word, fl cut your head off! Now!” On referring to the Catalogue, however, I find that the picture is by Mr. W. G. Writs, who intends it to represent Ophelia and Laertes. O dear me! I beg your pardon, Mr. Wiis! I really hadn’t an idea—bless me!—how very — of me—but now you mention it—I see—of course—Oliria and Laertes—I mean Ophelia. Ah! verynice, yes. I'll look at the next. — 7 o. 21. Now, what is this? Bless me, why this also is by Mr. Wrx1s, who tells us it is intended to represent The Spirit of the Shell, It looks more like The Body in the Shell. But that would be funereal. What Spirit isin the Shell? You mean in the Cask, don’t you? Oh, I see! Yes—it’s one of the Ginii, shell’p me! Good morning, Mr. W. G. W., and much obliged for the informa- ti on. No. 22. Sarpedon. W.B. Ricumonp. Another Ricuménp! He quotes— “ To the soft arms of silent sleep and death, They to his friends the mournful charge shall bear.”’ We fly by night. The ‘‘ mournful charge” seems rather high—in the air. The one winged being above is evidently asking the other beneath (who is carrying the lege) “Which way?” They have lost their bearings, but not what they bear. ‘‘ Conning and Steering” wouldn’t have been a bad title for it. No. 19. Kent. Cxcrt Lawson. “Kent!” It’s Kent all over— except Canterbury. Admirable! Bravo, Ceci Lawson! This is our line, Sir—stick to it, and to all other competitors in the Kent held you can say, “* hops abandon ye who enter here!”’ Quite a hop-pickture ! Kee up your picker! Allez! Hop la! 0. 24, Laight, Life, and Melody. H. Henxomer. The Beer- veerian Highlands. Peasants smoking and Ly omy | beer, while one of them is playing, on the zither, a oalection from Mever-perr. It is a large water-colour painting. The objection to water-colour paintings is that won't last. But this will, because of its size. No. 26. Dressing Mustard-Seed on a Norfolk Farmstead. R. W. Macsern. Clever, but uninteresting. Next time let the worthy — take a Shakspearian subject—'‘ Bottom a-dressing Mustard- No. 27, The Fountain. Tuomas Armstrone. This picture is chiefly remarkable for a portrait of Wavrer Crane in the right corner ; and that this is so intended is evident from the juxtaposition of that Artist’s work entitled . No. 21. The Sirens. Warren Crawe. A scene at Margate in the olden time. Bathing-women surprised by the near approach of a boat-load of Cockneys. Where are the Police ? No. 32. Music; or, let us be Harpy together. W. E. ¥. Brirren. This isn’t Great Brirren. ; No. 33. What is this? Eh? A young gentleman in a fancy costume—half knight, half troubadour, without the guitar—is trying to induce a damsel, slightly décolletée, to step into a boat— i. e. just to put her foot in it. He is saying, artfully, ‘“‘ It’s very fine outside. Good day for arow.” But she hesitates. By E. C. Hartt. H’allez- vous-en . No. 34. Kitty. Child with dog. Portrait. W. Wirrrim Mayor. Kitty and Doggy. Pity it wasn’t Kit-Cat. Eyes right, Major ! No. 36. Head of a Girl at Lerici. G. Costa. Try something English. Next time let ’s have, The Head of a House at Oxford, No. 40, Isabella. J. M. Srrupwick. Lady in great distress looking at an empty umbrella-stand. Poor IsABELLA Lost her umbrella. Where is it? Tell her! Not in the cellar. Oh, my umbrella! Mr. Srrupwick has been far more careful over his picture than his IsaBELLa was with her parapluie. f No. 32. Night and Sleep. Miss E. Pickentye. Both wide awake, and taking a Fly. No. 43. Shipbuilding. P. R. Morris, A.R.A. What good model workmen to keep so nice and clean! ‘‘ Those who touch pitch” doesn’t apply here. And what a nice model ship! Clean as a well- kept baby in its own cradle. Mr. Mornis should next paint 4 Clean Sweep. This Shipbuilding is of course a “marine piece.”’ The Sweep would make an excellent ‘‘ chimney-piece.”” Why, these workmen, caulking a vessel, couldn’t be cleaner if they were the Quvren’s chief butlers uncorking the wine. No. 51. The Widow's Acre. G.H. Boventor. He should have called it, The Widow's Diggings. For what the diggins else is she doing with that spade in her hand? The Widow's back must be the Widow's acher. Good for a Boughton if it’s a Sold ’un—as it ought tobe. Yes, that should be mine, if I’d bought’un. By the way, I’m informed the name spelt Boughton Is pronounced the same as Houghton. But the play on words I ’ve thought on Needs that you pronounee it t-on. But that rightly ’tis called Bough-ton — Well, that subject I’ve a doubt on. No. 54. Portrait of Miss Rosa Corder. J.M. Wutstixn. Better Pe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON [June 21, 1879, CHARIVARIL.

REASSURING! Old Gent (suddenly turning corner in narrow lane). “‘On!—I say !—Is HE *— | Witt ne ?”’—( Backing into Hedge.)—‘‘ Can “x ¢’’—— Peasant, *‘Don’r TAKE NO Notice oF ‘1m, Sir! I’vE GOT A WEE BIT CHECK ON ’IM IF HE RUNS!!”

than usual. Glad to say a word for WuHiIsTLER. Admirers of J. M. W., look at this picture, and Sursum Corder. No. 62. The Inventor of Sails. F.Smaturrecp. He should have invented trousers first. No. 64. Study of a Head; executed before the Students of the Slade School. A. Lxeeros. Unsatisfactory explanation. Why was he executed before the Students? Why weren't the Students, if they deserved it, executed before him? Why was he executed at all? The answer is, I suppose, that it was necessary he should be slayed first, in order that the School might be slayed after- wards. The Slade School, I am glad to say, is very much alive. Mr. Lecros thought he must send a highly-polished specimen to Le Gros-veneer Gallery. No. 68. Dog Days. A Lady reading under atree. And No. 69. ‘‘ Our First Tiff.” A sulky Gentleman turning away from a silky Lady. It is breakfast out-of-doors—it should have been ¢:fin—and he objects to spiders in tea. But, all hail, MacserH—or all sunshine, MacpeTH—as Nos. 6 8 and 69 were going to be hung together, and as you call the first ‘‘ Dog Days,” why didn’t you call the other ‘‘ Cat and Dog Days”? Macsern! Macseru! Macseru! I rather like two of your witches! No. 70. Sheepwashing in Droughty Weather. Again, MacpretTu. “* If droughty deeds my Lady please ’’—— she ’ll buy this picture. No. 65. Portrait of Robert Macbeth. Canto PEeLircRrnt. Macbheth—it’s Banquo’s Ghost. Nothing very remarkable till we come to No. 73. Paolo and Francesea. G. ¥. Warts, R.A. ; and No. 74. Orpheus and Eurydice— Shady. Not “ By the same— AaTts, his name. And these are Warts’s compositions! Well, I like the old hymns better— “ How doth the little busy bee,” &c. Somebody remarked that Mr. Warts must have lost his head ; but for this, on going to the East Gallery, I found there isno foundation, as Mr. Warrs has taken his own head, and preserved it in oil. At all events, if it isn’t his own head (No, 144) it’s exactly like tt.

No. 80. False.>J. D. Lanton. False on both sides — But I thought it was intended for A Re- earsal, End of Act I. Tableau. Amateurs having struck an attitude, anxiously await the fall of the cur- tain. This impression I find was, what Mr. Lruyron has called it— False. No. 77. A Study. J. D. Lrxtox. No plaster-of- Paris flesh, but a genuine real girl, all alive, oh !—only as some shop advertisements have it—‘* Hands Wanted.” No. 78. The Trumpeter. J. D. Linton. Ah! this isatrump! If you’ve got many of these, Mr. . ou’ve a fine hand. Never mind the other hands in No. 77. Honours easy, but you have got an odd trick— now and then. There’s no doubt, however, about The Trump. That’s a card. No. 90. Portrait of Signor Piatti. Lady Linpsay (of Balearres). Poor Piatti! Without his violoncello— that is, only the head without the bass which supports im. No wonder he looks ill. The second time he has been treated this year. : Nothing of importance tiil we before the works of James Trssot, Nos. 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100. Nos. 97 and 99. Scénes de la Vie dans le Bois de 8. Jean. The first (97) being The Naughty Old Man; or, I'll tell your Wife how you spend your Afternoons in Fair Rosamund’s Bower- Villa, N.W. The second scene being another part of the garden. Naughty Old Man out of it. RosaMUND, in her web, waiting for the flies. This is called The Hammock. It ought to bone been The Web. Will you walk into my Garden ? Said the Spider to the Fly. *Tis the prettiest little jel That ever you did spy. The grass a sly dog plays on; A hammock I have got; Neat ancles you shall gaze on, Talk—d propos de bottes. Elle est bien bottée alors. Isitso? ’Tis so. After this amount of pleasure, it is wise that our thoughts should turn on No. 98. Going to Business. He leaves Fair Rosa- mund in the bower, and is off to the City. Is it now that the Naughty Old Man, who has a clerical cut about him, takes advantage of his absence to pay his visit? It is quite a drama. Perhaps that old cle ’s pa- rishioners are advertising for him everywhere, Lost, Stolen, or Strayed. And the business man, meanwhile, is in the Hansom, going East. Nos. 97 and 99 represent The Handsome Fair One, and No. 98 is The One Hansom -| Fare. And the latter murmurs to himself, * Drive on, Cabby! Ah! is she good, She of the Abbey Road, St. John’s Wood ?”’ Before quitting the West Gallery, permit me to draw— instead of paint, for a change—your attention to a life- size statue in bronze. It is— No. 306. A Running Commentary. W.B. RickMmonp. No. 107. The Haunted Mill. Ceci Lawson. Haunted! not even a Ghost would come here. Let me return to “Kent.” Luckily, Mill admirari is not all the Art you know, Mr. Cecrt Lawson. No. 112. Cold Morning on the Thames. Ep. pe Martino. Day and Martin-o! No. 113. Nausicaa. E. J. Pornrer, R.A. Classical Lady “ giving” a faney ball. (Had quite enough of her at the omy 2 Still, I suppose she has her admirers. Mr. Poynter himself woeld peobaliy say, that he ‘“‘is neither tired of, nor sick o’ her.” Nos. 132 and 147. Both by J. O’Connor. Patio los Cypresses Alhambra, and Staircase of Burgos Cathe- dral, painted O’ Conamore. No. 140. Portrait of Mrs. King. Ep. R. Huaues. Good colour, or, we should say, Hughes. But why not have called it the Queen at once ? No. 143. Dorothy. G. F. Watts, R.A. <A very good little child. No. 146. Portrait of Mrs. Elmore. C. Covsrxs. One doesn't generally trust to relations for a favourable view of one’s characteristics, but in this instance Mrs. ELMoRE was right in getting Cousrns to paint her. No. 149. Portrait of Hermann Vezin, Esq. J. ForBEs- Rosertson. ‘‘ Hermann VeEzin; or, After -an- hour with the best Hairdresser.” ‘*T knew it wanted cutting,” said Mr. H. Vezry. CHEVALIER

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Juxe 21, 1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 287 WHAT’S THE GOOD OF IT? A “Gurip” has been started calling itself ** the Church and Stage Guild.” Its object is somewhat difficult to define. It is intended to include all ““who profess the Christian faith,” and are not ashamed of it on the . By the way, if the members consult Arsan Burier’s Lives of the Saints, they will find at least three Actors in the Calendar. If the Guild goes on being very Soteed, future quntngiions meg zene ie he i tian hagio! he ys of the Blessed Buckstone, The Acts of Saint Benjamin Ce cteter, and a Bollandist history of the Venerable J. L. Toole. Already as eminent confessors of the Christian faith, the names of some members of the talented Vokes family appear in the Guild, with Mr. Frep Arsert of Music-Hall celebrity. The Committee list has been issued, of course, “‘ with power to add to its number,” and so we may soon expect to see the names of the following professing Christians swelling the noble band of Stage Professional Christians :— Miss Netire FARREN. H.E. Cardinal Mannixe, Mr. Davin JamEs. Mr. SpuRGEON. Madame Dotaro. Canon Lippon. Mr. McDermorr. Mme. Leona Dare, Queen of the Antilles. Why doesn’t ‘‘ The Guild ”—which has a me- dieval sound—start a Sunday Theatre on its own connie with pew-openers for box-keepers, Mr. JoHn HoLiinesHeaD to sennege, on no fee-fi-fo- fum princes, ne a series of Mystery Plays, the libretto of which should be under the direct super- vision of the Lorp CHamBeERLAIN, the Archbishop of Canrersury, and the Old Testament Re- visional Committee? What chances there might be for Mr, Freperick Voxes and Miss Vicrorta in the serious dances, and for Mr. Davin James! How about Noses in LEgitto to commence with? Costumes by Messrs. Narnan Leo. Book by the Earl of BEACONSFIELD. Evidently there is much te be done by the “5 sore ow CANDOUR. **Church and Stage Guild.” Brown. *‘Wuat! Biopss AN OVERRATED Durrer! Come, I say, now, Tor- SAWYER, YOU ONCE TOLD ME YOURSELF HE WAS THE GREATES® GENIUS THAT HAD HALF AND HALF. SHONE ON THE WORLD SINCE THE DAYS OF——” Ir used to be proverbially said, that one-half Little Topsawyer. ‘*AH, THAT’s WHEN NosopY HAD EVER HEARD OF HIM, YOU | the world does not know how the other half lives. KNow! Bur yow/—WHY, HANGED IF THEY DON’T MAKE MORE FUss ABOUT Biopss/| But didn’t ALEXANDRE oe upset that THAN THEY DO ABouT Mz/” saying when he wrote Le Demi- Monde | ‘‘ What! Your part in my new piece?” anxiously exclaimed the | why not try your hand at a Rabbit, Bunney? This is your con- Author. tribution to the Grosvenor. And so now, J. Bunney, you are “* No, not a part—the whole. I’m thinking of my hair,” replied | a-bonné. Bunwey nuit / : the eminent comedian, as he went to beard the Doveias in Bond| Nos. 273, 274. Heads or Tails. Sketches by Ruspins ; and Street—or rather for the Dovexas to beard him. No. 267—No ; I will not stand No. 267. ‘‘ Three Studies in Chalk No. 150. Pause for one moment. Do not refer to the Catalogue. | and Pastel.” Bosh! Studies ! Why Let us try and make out what it is intended to be. Well, it is er intended to bea picture. So far the Court is with yon. But of Without a feature! what? Here is a young lady engaged in stroking gently the breast- d - a plate of a middle- steel-clad warrior, probably for the same | But Jacques le Siffleur has the face for anything. No. 273. In reason as the little girl gave Stipney Suiru for her stroking the| Chalk. No. 274. In Chalk. Here’s ranning up a score with a tortoise—‘‘ Because f siteae him.” ‘ Why,” replied the witty | vengeance! Well, he’s brought his chalks in here, and 1’ll walk parson, ‘‘ you might as well stroke the dome of St. Paul’s to please | mine out. 3 the Dean and Chapter.” But I think the warrior does like it, for he| One thing before I the bust of BLANCHARD JERROLD, in terra is gradually breaking into a smile under the gentle treatment. But | cotta, by Miss H. Montana. It is marvellous good. And the the girl looks tired. Now to see by whom it is, and for what it is | colour is so significant; for Mr. BLancnanrp JERROLD is known as a meant. Well, it is simply 4 Knight and his Daughter, and it is by | well-red man. He has so evidently just said a good thing, and is Sir Courrs Linpsay, Bart. Well, no harm’s done. He’s only a/| enjoying it himself heartily. In fact it is what Jeames would call Knight, and it’s very kind of the Bart. to take any notice of him. | quite a “‘ Bust of Merriment.” __ PP aie 154. A French Girl and her Calves. F. Moncan. Guten| What fitter conclusion to my visit to the Grosvenor Gallery ? OrGaN, No. 172. Topaz. Apert Moore. Why “ Topaz ”? Two girls, * Topaz ” can’t surely be a misprint for ‘‘ Zopers” ? If so—but no, | Gy don’t look like it. ‘‘ Toppers” but not *‘ Topers.” . The Golden Wedding. m nt, Sis and - ‘ J . Hennessy. I think, perhaps, that (With its Iron Lining.) No. 181. The Horses of St. Mark, Venice. J. Buyney. Worth As when, good fairies have their blessings prest, a pretty penny, Bunney, that’s plain, Buynery; but if you ask The wi fairy with her blight makes bold, ‘“‘a plum,” Buwney, they’ll say, *‘Go to Bath, Burney!” and Le, Bismarck comes, in gifts rest, then you'd be hot-cross Buxwey. You can paint these Horses— | To dash his blood and iron o’er the gold ! Sega eo = hago i on a ~~

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a ee a mete ae ee ants | to watch you. It is my duty to prevent you from ad THE UNGRATEFUL CIVIL SERVANT. h Mr. Punch’s Compliments to the Witnesses before the Com- mittee on Co-operative Stores.) ENTERFOUR left the Tin-Tax Office a quarter of an hour after the clock had struck the time of closing. Though he had been idling away the day in copying at ex- ress speed the minutes of is superiors, he felt fagged weary. His indolence had not saved him from a head-ache and a tired hand. ‘** Before I return to my wife and six children,’ he murmured, with a guilty blush, ‘‘I will attempt to increase the handsome sum awarded me by a generous Government for my trivial labours.” Disregarding the prick- ings of his conscience, he entered a merchant’s office and asked for employment. “*T have a few leisure > hours,” he faltered out, : ‘and shall be glad to earn——”’ Before he could utter another word the head cashier, throwing off his disguise, appeared as the much-dreaded CorKscREW, the employé of the Criminal Investigation Department. ‘* Begone, Civil Servant!” hissed out the detector of evil-doing. ‘ All your time belongs to the Crown! What right have you to put any of it to private profit?” “ What have you to do with it?” asked TzenreRrovr, desperately. ‘“‘ The Government,” here Corkscrew reverentially lifted his wig, ‘‘at the request of the ill-used West-End tradesmen, appointed me g to your already princely income by private employment.” TenTerrovr, cowed and beaten, skulked out of the merchant’s ffice and betook himself to the bureau de location of a theatre. “T am honest and trustworthy,” he began, “and I have a few leisure hours which I would willingly sell to an employer. If you have a vacancy as a checktaker——” ‘* What are you?” asked the box book-keeper. ‘* T occupy a stool in the Tin-Tax office,” replied TEnTERFOUR. The box book-keeper looked black as thunder as he thundered out, ** And you dare come here to add a salary wrung from the lessees of the High Life to the ill-gotten salary of which you, and fellows like you, ~s the nation? Away! if you would not have the police at your heels!” Tenrerrovr hastily withdrew, for, in spite of his disguise, the unhappy wretch had recognised in the theatrical official the much- ioontiod features of Corkscrew, the employé of the Criminal In- vestigation Department. The unscrupulous waster of the public time wandered through the streets until he came upon the keeper of a perambulating coffee-stall, apparently past work. ** Madam,” said TenrERFovR, courteously, ‘‘ can I not assist you ? I believe that there is that in me that will enable me to sell the stimulating juice of the Arabian berry to the night-wanderers of | this great city. I have a few leisure hours, and should be but too happy——. ‘* Beware!” exclaimed the owner of the coffee-stall. ‘‘ Do you not know that by the new regulations all Civil Service trading in ” | any form, by any of its employés, is illegal ? ” TenreRrour fied in hopeless despair, for in the tones of the aged | coffee-stall keeper he had recognised the voice of Corkscrew, who a | few years since would have been called the Detective. his way to his four-roomed | coins on the wooden table. His wife seiz Fouled on every side, the conscience-stricken Civil Servant made ace in East Hackney. ** Here is to-day’s money,” he exclaimed, as he threw a few silver i the coin, and promised the children that in consideration of their light dinners, they should each enjoy a shop egg with theirtea. The chi shouted with glee at | the prospect of the coming banquet, and yet their father grumbled. ‘* How dare you!” eried Corkscrew (who had followed TenTER- rour to his home) putting his head through a broken window, ‘‘ How dare you complain of the princely salary which a too-indulgent Government pays you for the exclusive use of your labours?” The rebuked Tenrerrovur hid his face in his , and was silent. 088 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [June 21, 1879, A SONG OF THE SLADE PROFESSORS. Oa, there were three Slade Professors, three extremely Mighty Men (Two of them champions of the brush, one potent with the pen), Who London, Oxford, Cambridge did respectively adorn, Where, perched as on three Pisgahs, they lé ked dewn with proper scorn On dull Philistia’s barren flats, where mortals crawl about, Grubbing for unethereal food with unesthetic snout. — And oh, there was a Painter !—put a nimbus round his name, And change that article to the, so peerless was his fame!— _ He had Toma the sweets of Sickness, caught the charm of Skin-and- And the hidden grace of Angles; and his name it was Burne-Jones. Thirdly—and unimportantly—there was a Critic knave, Who dared appraise that Painter, like a donkey blindly brave, And to hint that though his ‘‘ feeling ” was intense, if scarcely strong, His beauty-sense was morbid, his anatomy all wrong. | Then up and spake those dauntless three, “* Oh, this will never do!” (Twas thus said Ricumonp and Leeros, and so said CoLvIN too.) “ There is but one esthetic sphere, ’tis that which we revolve in.” (Like the legs on a Manx peer en ay pres mag = and Co.vIn.) “* That Burne-Jones is perfection ’s an Art-axiom, don’t you know.” (CoLVIN upon this point with Ricumonp and LzeRos.) ‘* His painting takes the shine out of all his predecessors.” (Here there was unanimity ’twixt those three Slade Professors.) “*’Tis like that Critic’s cheek to quiz the man we praise and 80,” Cried rant and Leeros at once. Quoth Srpney CoLvin, ** Quet so!’ “* He has not any call at all to criticise such pictchaws, So far beyond the compass of his crude, misleading strictchaws.” Thus Corvin, Ricumonp, and Leeros all hastened to agree ; The trio, Art’s new Cerberus, you see, were one, though three. ‘* In imaginative power, and in technical as well, From ANGELO TO RAPHAEL, our JonEs must bear the bell. The only one who’s in it with B.-J. is Borricetur.” Said Cotvriy, ‘‘ We must make this Critic’s charge a casus belli. The influence of authority, in matters of opinion, Surely gives us in the Art-sphere despotical dominion. These Critics have been going it most impudently, dash ’em ! Now, I propose we Mighty Three uprise and sim ly smash ’em.” i ‘Hear! hear!” cried Ricumonp and Legros. “ We’ll do the trick between us ; We'll teach the dolts to tread upon the toes of Jones’s Venus, Pick holes in his Pygmalion, and vivisect his Virgin. Our separate identities we ’ll for the moment merge in A mystical Art-trinity, whose oracles dogmatic In a sort of a round-robin we ’ll expand in terms emphatic. ’T will a crusher be to critics and all crawlers of that kidney.” (‘‘ Ahem! With one exception!” softly interjected Smpyey.) ** Details we "ll not descend to,” murmured Ricumonp. ‘‘ Oh dear, no! ‘* Parties speaking ex cathedra should not argue,” said Leenos. “ Put 4 sharp and short,’ said Sipney; and they put it short and sharp. As thus :—‘‘ You captious critics who at JonEs’s pictures carp, Fixing on certain trivial points—a toe, a chin, a wing ! We consider that his Art’s A 1—which settles the whole thing !” Then this triune testimonial was placed before the world, And lo! those callous critic knaves their scornful lips upeurled, And persisted in belabouring B. J. with tongue and pen ! Whilst Philistia looked on and laughed at those Three Mighty Men. Morat. Critics are full of “‘ cussedness,” omniscience sometimes slips, And even triune Oracles may chance to miss their tips. Oblivion the Best Epitaph. ‘OnE who wishes justice done to the Memory of the Prince of OranoEk,”’ writes to the Times, putting in a good word for this Heir of a Crown who could never tear himself from the delights of fast life in Paris. The best way to do justice to such a memory, Punch would suggest, is, to forget it. RESPECTABILITY AND RELIGION, Way, it is asked, are Churches filled by people in the upper and middle ranks of life ; whilst the poor too gene absent themselves from places of worship? Clearly because the Church-goers belong to the better classes, Macuiave.ui’s “‘ Prince” (a very German edition).—Prince Bis- MARCK. 6@ To Cosessronpanm — The Bdiior does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by 6 stamped and directed envelope Copies should be kept.

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June 28, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 289 | excruciatingly warm up to one, then a snowstorm from one to two, | umbrella. TO SARAH! (By an exuberant Enthusiast.) Mistress of Hearts. and Arts, all met in you! The Pict ue, informed by Soul of Passion ! Say, dost = = on milk and honey- Draining rl ‘goblets deep of classic fashion Champagne and__ nectar, shandy-gaff sublime, Dashed with a pungent smack of eau-de- Marah, Aspasia, Sappho, Circe of the time! Seductive Saran ! “Muse”? All Mnemosyne’s , B nat af = And Ze iaephye! Slender Sy- With po the soul of music, like that Whieh whilom sounded in the Hall of Tara. How dare Philistines at thy imsies carp, Soul-swaying SanaB!! ! Yet who so well can pose slim sinuosity ? death’s-head and the rose” ? my creep ! ve thee, gross mortals never ! the brightness of Queen Mab, pe ee ah the ein Lara. Common-place snobs thee I could stab, DI? Sanan!!!! O SAR ae eet ek ia beast | ealls thee crazy, half, and half-capricious ? A ‘impound 3 of Léonay's and Barnum’s part, In outrecuidance r injudicious ¢ Ah! t heed them not ! Pose as a lay, scribble, seulp, sing, paint, teus, mia cara ; Sapphie, peintenentin, me Sanan ! THE CLERKS OF THE WEATHER. day itis he in Prat om © cae dem wae ay it is wang of course © one will be wen o's have put on t | materiale; aaa ge ns come out in muslins when they should have been in cloth ant Sop. But how about ‘* changeab) the forecast of the day to be to the effect por es, it will be bitterly cold up to twelve, then then sun from two to three, rain from three to four, four to five summer weather, and five to seven the depth of winter ! For those who have to be - , day, this will be a diffieulty. We | shall ae to carry bags with of costume for every hour, | like entertainment, inaieline shoes, thick and thin, and a Pe) =, crutch-handled stick, which will develope into an Weather Offices are to be multiplied everywhere ; and instead of | one Clerk of the iy ny oe official who has long ago ceased to be a joke—we of them with the weather under direct control. ont they re will bel! when anything goes wrong ? deve, ona forecast . What "Look here!” some i t person will write—“ you said i it would be fine yesterday, and it wasn’t. I went out in thin shoes, —s shall bring an action against you for damages.” sadies will write— x Dear Mr. 7 —Do, please do, there’s a dear, order a nice clear, fine, dry day, “not too hot, you knew, but just nice, for the next Botanical Féte. You know, i in years, at least so I am told, it always used to rain, and th such a dreadful mess! quite too awfully shocking, ty? know ! do arrange it, and I shall be no much oli so will other Ladies with g tin 2 Ton are oe a Cee. of being on fixed en — we The has lately been spinning Easter holiday, will be _ ed to sense scheme, which pu e best Cre so few Seed days f for sal out-of A the forecast of one or two ran Ram boatmen eon, all the scientific tions of all the Clerks ~ the Weather at so much per annum. y cares ‘‘ how it’s 2 omne ” as as the result is correet, the % beneficial ! P Shepherds inland, and the Boatmen coast, are at ad the schoolmasters f of the Weather. have whatever weather on the point. og a moveable vor ot this common- thy disposal of those who on; and soon we'll is, when we can all be ut we are we want, MAGNA EST VERITAS, ET PRAVALEBIT. the esting of the ey ory yO ve Stores, phen = Oxford Street, . I believe you wish to make @ statement ? , a tradesman with a establishment r the Tee I have a little im the coun , and poy go Se GS SEES Bee dred «Furi forme axa rather did until four years ago. I have a Syent Py father lived over his own Mi I have one son in the Army and Suether ine for 1h the on id ts are large, but cer- wider and expenditure. I object to Civil Service ading, as I cons a it disgracehi that I should pay out of my own poeket men to rob The Chairman. You are aware ‘that the salaries of Civil Servants are not, ate a Mr. a than earn, anyhow. I know, sf Ostend tainly not too large ? urntable, They are larger they of poy they ’re no things. But look at the style of men. Civil Servants, indeed! Poor sneaking, half-starved wretches ! The Chairman. And yet you would not allow them to curtail their expenditure by co tion ? Mr. Turntable. inly not. Don’t I pay their salaries out of my own vocket Why ‘whould I allow them to pick it in any other way ? The Chairman. I do not see how they do that by giving no more than money for money’s worth ? Mr. Turntable. I have nothing to dowee the way they spend their money. [oie Ayey See ol salaries out of my own pocket. he Chairman. that the profi ~ your business are mt, pe Oe than they were i were in your father’s tim are, I dave | say he didn’t realise more than fifteen per oak People in his time didn’t half know thas 4Q, om he Chairman. you object to co-operation in the abstract ? ite Turntable. Not oon it doesn’t interfere with my own profits. Me. Turntable Chairman. Do » Po wa big a adulteration ? x pan t see what harm it can do if ay in ts salleds tail als ie? weg of ru Committee. But supposing that the ingredients are a uratable. That estion —— The Chairman Chairman. Posh spre had better not go into it. The Witness then withdrew. Swift, but not Sure. ; We s Ao the following im the Daily Telegraph, Wednesday, une 18th :-— O MASTER Hepes ee branches, cuts b with a respectable o It will be cmenhelllll the tailor who took Gulliver’s measure by trigonometry in the of Laputa produced a misfit. Let us hope cutting by geometry mey' be more successful. t Foreman, understands all am), is open to an ENGAGEMENT VOL. LXXVI. cc

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. ‘ . %

> ~ es =a PUNCH’ . = SSS <<

, ori S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (June 28, 1879

SS My ati! | _ , hart fay, 1A hee VY 4 : y 7. r' / 3? A 5 our Collective Wisdom may almost be said to have spent the week on the tiles, Punch has immortalised the incident in his initial Cartoon, which he takes leave to dedicate to Messrs. Hopwoop, sniGHT, Orway, P. A. Taytorn & Co.—*‘ Foes of the Cat, and trimmers of his Tails.” Monday, June 16 (Lords),—Has Canon FLEMING been regulariy erg in position in York Minster, duly laid, loaded, primed, an et off? Ishea post and serviceable great gun, or but a Quaker, or duffing Canon, having the outward appearance of a £1200-pounder, but being, in truth, incapable of effective fire? Nobody seems quite

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June 28, 1879.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 291 to know. Lord BraconsFrexp, who has put the Canon in position, is quite satisfied that his t gun is , as well as great. The Archbishop of CanTERBuRY is not quite so cock-sure, but seems to think that the Canon has fired—+. e. voted—without being any the worse for it, and must, on the whole, be taken to be a and suflicient Canon. Altogether, their Lordships got up a lively debate on this momentous question, on whese darkness Punch does not even fess to throw light, himself seeing none. The debate supplied a pes fora very self- complacent speech from Lord BEaconsFIELD, in which he had the pleasure of making out that he was quite right, and everybody else quite wrong, and somehow left the impression that the Dean and Chapter of York were a remarkably muddle-headed body—the hong Bate what we should — from a Yorkshire Chapter. rd Truro wants a civil element in the Military Commission which is going to on the War-Office break-down. at we should rather fear is, that it may be too civil by half. Lord GaLLoway groaned over the lament- able fact that, when the British Army was in a state of collapse, nobody could come to its rescue with any more effective stimulant Lord Bury said there was nothing like inquiry, and that soldiers were the proper people to inquire into the weak ts of military ne. Every would be delighted with the Committee when they heard who was to sit upon it. But it would not do to publish their instructions before they had got them. Lord CranBroox said civil things of Lord CaRDWELL’s scheme ; and Lord CarDWELL said civil things of Lord Cransroox. The Chairman of the Committee was to be Lord Arrry. That was the best tee that the Inquiry would, not an Airey not. Their Lordships adjourned, after quite a late and lively sitting (for them), at Twenty wNaughty old boys, sitt to such a » si w suc = ager Orway that Mr. “Viviay, - pene had only come home on private business. ( tian wort says he is anything but at home in public business.) Till he returns he will have Mr. Lascettes for locum tenens. Suppose, on his return, he were to find his friend the Kaxprve sent to the right-about! It would have been awkward if Mr. Vrv1an, who is supposed to have not been altogether a to the little e which ended in upsetting of vBAR Pasa and Mr. Rivers WIzson, ned > epee — ne own petard, engineer at clever piece of diplomatic fireworks. 7 opos of the hair on our soldiers’ faces, Mr. Stacpoo.e solemnly announces that he means to take the War Office by the beard. “‘ Cutting off the Cat’s tails, and allowing the men to wear their beards!” What 1s the ice coming to ? In Military Supply. Shall the Judge- Advocate-General be improved off the face of the Estimates? We should not like to insure the place another year—if things mili’ go on as they give promise of going, that is, in the direction of the dogs— in other w towards civilian reforms, and right in the teeth of Colonel Sanre- TACHE, and Major Martrnet. A row over Army Medical Establish- ment, which bloomed into a squabble over e's VTE UNS ‘ FRONT! NULLA FIDES. Leicestershire Squiress, ‘Ou, I skz you’vE BRoucHT MY Hogse ROUND.” Stable Boy. ‘*‘ Pisase, Str, THIs 1s A Lapy’s ’Oss, Str!” out of, hospital—which further developed into a general scrimmage, in which the Irish shillelagh was freely fiourished. Mr. Norwoop complained of the want of back-bone on the Treasury Bench. = Geagve - Nortucore retorted that the House would not help him to amend its own rules. supply finally— “ Drave on wi’ storm, and clatter, And aye more idle waxed the chatter ’’— Till the watchman of old would have cried “ half-past two o’clock—and a windy night!” Tuesday (Lords).—A propos of the Metropolitan Racecourses Bill, Lord Harpwicxe said a good word for the Suburban Race Meetings and two for the Jockey Club. Their Lordships decline to be satisfied with the ive and prohibitive action of that aristocratic sportin body in preserving the suburbs from the invasion of blackguardism under the name o rt. eed Enrretp maintained his ground stiffly, and backed by his peers, carried all the allegations of inhumanity to Zulus, in, and contested clauses of his Bill through Committee.

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Si i ate a NR 5 aS 4 297 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [June 28, 1879. “ a FACER.” Dissipated Tramp. ‘‘ You'LL KNOW MB AG’IN, Guv’NouR !” British Workman (who had certainly looked at him). “‘ Nor tr you WasHEs yoursEnF, I sHa’Nn’T!”’ Punch, as a dweller in the suburbs, in the name of all decent suburban householders, begs te thank him. Lord Stantey of ALDERLEY has gallantly interposed between the Greek priests and the stupid, rather than sacrilegious, scissors of the British Com- missioners in Cyprus. Lord SALISBURY was compelled to admit that the representative of British authority had laid down a rule and enforced it with mulish disregard to Greek feeling. ‘The British Sub-Commissioner has no doubt received a wigging for his hair-eutting, which has left behind it a sense of irritation, quite out of proportion to the seriousness of the outrage in our eyes. ‘‘ In our — That is just it. We will insist on looking at things with our eyes only, and not taking into account how they appear in the eyes of other people. A Greek priest holds his hair and beard in reverence as part of his sacred insignia. To cut them is worse than cutting a Chinaman’s tail. It is like insulting a | British clergyman’s cloth. It is a deliberate act of disrespect to a peculiarly respected class. In this case the insult has been inflicted in compliance with prison-rules, for a trivial offence. The act has rankled and will rankle far longer and more deeply than much more grave-looking acts of oppression. The official who is to blame should be smartly my my over the knuckles, and if Lord SaLispuRyY’s pen has not forgot its cunning, been so rapped by this time. Commons.)—Mr. O’ Donnegxt called Sir M. H. Beacu over the coals of certain Zulu villages, represented in the Graphie as having been burnt and plundered. It is new, as Sir M. H. Beacu said, to see a Cabinet Minister overhauled on the strength of a cut in an illustrated paper. But we don’t see why Our Own Artist’s drawing, made on the spot, should not be even a better authority than Our Own Correspondent’s letter, which has often suggested interpellations of even bigger men than Sir M. H. Bracu. Then came the great Debate over the Cat’s Tails—shall they be all cut off, or some of them only? Nay—shall we banish the Cat henceforth alike from barrack-square and drummer’s kit—and refuse him a place in the articles of war—or peace either—in the name of outraged humanity and respect for the feelings of the soldier and Mr. Hopwoop ? ** Would we could!” Punch sighs with Macbeth. ‘‘ We can and,ought,” says Mr. Hopwoop, and moves as a first step, to reduce the mazimum of stripes from sixty to six, which, multiplied by nine, the number of the Cat’s tails, is fifty-four. Mr. J. Hotms supported, so did Mr, Rytanps. Mr. J. Brown sug a maximum of twenty-five stripes. Mr, CHAMBERLAIN was against flogging altogether. Sir W. Harcourt was afraid it d not be dispensed with. But why should not the Secretary of State schedule floggable offences? Sir R. Peet and Sir H. Haverock jum at suggestion ; Colonel Stantxy said he would if he could. After a fresh wrangle, whether this should be accepted as concession enough, Mr. Bricut rose to remind the House that the punishment fell heaviest in its first stage, after which the tearing of the Cat was comparatively unfelt. That was a reason for reducing the mazimum of stripes. The offender would still get the hottest and heaviest half of his punishment. Mr. Macponaup and Mr. O’Dornewt were for killing the Cat altogether—cutting off a few of his tails was not enough. When even Colonel Mure and Colonel ALEXANDER supported the reduced tale of stripes, Colonel San Ley was fain at length to = ; enceforth only twenty-five lashes at most ean be laid on the Soldier’s back. But what lashes shall they be? Mr. Horpwoop moved that the stripes should be given by an instrument ‘‘ of not more than one thong or tail.” This Lord Excno thought a reductio ad absurdum; and brilliantly sug- gested the insertion of ‘‘ Manx ”’ before ‘‘ Cat,” as Manx eats have no tails. : The Marquis of Hartineton thought his honourable friends had better not push their point too far. If Government was not to be trusted to choose a Cat, what was it good for? Ultimately, the Committee came to the same conclusion, after this very lively night on the tiles, by 164 to 54. d Sir W. Harcourt moved for papers in connection with recent cases in which the opinions of their Councils here and in India had not been taken, or had been unconstitu- tionally overridden, by the Secrerany of SrateE for IypIa ion, and the Viceroy out there. Sir W. pressed his charge home moderately but forcibly, and made out a very dead case against the Government. He depre- cated a tu quogue in reply. That is, of course, the answer they gave him. lf the Marquis of Satispury had done wrong, said Mr. Srannopz, the Duke of Arcytt had done worse, and proceeded to prove it. That, Punch feels with Sir W1tx1M, is not the point. The point is, has the Secretary of State, has the Governor- General of india, given due weight to his Councillors’ advice in the matter of the Afghan War, the Vernacular Press Act, and the Repeal of the Cotton Duties. Sir WIttiAM gave—strongly, ex in the first case—his reasons for contending that the ernor-General should have done so, and had not done it. Mr. ~ drew = pode = ae Pome ory phd anticipated tu quogue, and ar , besi at Indian Secretaries of State and Governors-General had this over- ruling power, and in all cases cited had used it wisely and well. He would uce the papers asked for. (He knows very well that not a dozen Members will read them.) Mr. Laine and Mr. Fawcert were both sorry that the India Office had fallen back on this tu quoque. (As if they would have fallen back on that, if they had had anything else to fall back on ! Sir Georce CampBet thought even the tw ue Was a bad one. There was no parallel between the cases in which the Macattum More had overridden his Council and these. Altogether Sir Writtam’s attack was made in Bo form, ona he had a weak point in the Afghan War, and Mr. Srannope was not as effective as usual in answering it. How can he be, when the honest answer must have been, ‘* My dear fellow, we had to eonciliate Lan- cashire, and there will be a General Election next year.” Wednesday.—Mr. Detanunty, defeated in his on- slaught on Irish one-pound notes ; and Sir A. Gorpon in his attempt to do away with the tax on guns used for vermin. Mr. Macarryey, as an Irish landlord, very pareeally objected to a Bill which would facilitate the killing that class of vermin. Thursday (Lords).—Lord Norrusroox called atten- tion to Indian finances ; against the reduction of cotton duties to cat the Lancashire vote; urged

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June 28, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL reduction ; hoped it would be chiefly in mili expenditure, and in the salaries of the highest paid Civil Officials all round. This would be a new principle with a vengeance, and Punch will wait till he sees it. he will give thanks. In the meantime, he will wait for this astounding application of the pruning knife to “i Cuawusoon geome Selsty, oid def ded the reduction of RANBROOK airly, am eten e uction 0 Cote Duties in the interests of Lasenehi re. ord LAWRENCE said the interests of India were the question, and these had been disregarded. Lord Sa.ispury threw off a ‘little cheap chaff at Liberal Lords’ sudden conversion from Free Trade to Protection. Lord SzLBoRNE said the Viceroy had overruled his counsel in a case not contemplated by the Act which gave him overruling powers. The Lorp CHANcELLOR said if that was so, why t Lord SELBORNE move to that effect ? ; (Commons.)—The harmless necessary Cat chivied again all over the House, and another violent attempt made on his few surviving i The question was, had Mr. Brown’s minimum of twenty- five lashes been acce as @ compromise ? 2 Sir R. Pexrx said the War Office better withdraw their Military Discipline Bill. They couldn’t make a good job of it. Sir W. Harcourt would venture to assert it was very far from a bad Bill. The House had better pass it; it would be long before they would have as good a chance of amending the machinery of military government. _Atter a wrangle the House swallowed the Cat with one-half his tails—and the clause with it. Lord StawLEY communicated the sad news of the death of the Price Impertst at the hands of the Zulus, and the House adjourned in profound pity for his poor mother. Friday (Lords).—Lord Dunraven repeated Lord Mippieton’s attempt to get the Lords to meet an hour earlier for the young mens’ sake. Lord BEACONSFIELD pooh-poohed the Motion, and, after a speech in its favour from Lord Granvit_ez, was “ chaffed”’ out by 101 to 64. But the Hour will come—and the young men. Commons.)—In the morning Mr. Orway tried to get some official light turned on the Egyptian darkness, but im vain, as M. Bourke either could not, or would not, let the Cairene cat out of the bag. But there is little doubt that, thanks to Bismarck’s strong way of putting things, the Kueprve has at this moment under considera- tion the awkward alternative of Abdication or Deposition. Sir Cuarves DiLkKeE brought forward a formidable indictment of our rule in Cyprus. Mr. Gotpney tried to answer him, and Mr. Grap- STONE answered Mr. Gotpyey, sledge-hammer fashion. Mr. Bourke made the best of a bad case and a bad bargain. WHAT WILL HE DO WITH (When the Khedive takes his Liberty.) ILL he goon a visit to Constantinople, and get the sack in the Bosphorus ? Will he take apartments in Brompton Square ? Will he, if he comes here, be able to command a respectable reference, and pay a week’s rent in ad- vance ? Will he, failing this, open an Oriental Shop in nt Street ? ill Mr. Rrvers WILson deal largely with him ? Will this keep him from appealing, as usual, to the " — of the Court?” he, in the event of his appeal being heard, pay more than a halfpenny in the pound ? ill such a dividend secure him once more the confidenee of his country- men ? oe he return . meet en ents in Egypt ? Will he attempt to entertainment at the Egyptian Hall ? ill Mr. Vivian and the Bondholders be on the free ITP The Prince Imperial, NAPOLEON EUGENE LOUIS. Born at? Panis, Marcu 16, 1856. Kriiep mw Zuiv Lanp, Junz 1, 1879. **Poor mother!” *Twas the first thing thought or said, Voice of who knows how many million . hen the news came that her brave boy was dead,— That child of hopes, that youth of princely parts, Gentle and graceful .. . . bright and brave and gay ; no ae life all of speed Lag and had won at within compass of its winning — Who was all mother could have * ished her son. Fair-dawning day swift eclipse so crossed, And by an am savage’s stray dart! Rich freight of hope and love so early lost, Left but to salvage of a mother’s heart ! Talk not of plots and plans that, ripening slow, Are by this death struck down with blast and blight ; We have no t but for that mother’s woe, The darkness of that childless widow’s night ! “‘ How many hundred unknown mothers mourn Slain sons? Why should this one our hearts so stir?" Because, set high, we see her crown of thorn, Feel with all mothers when we feel with her. “God help her ! ’—so our pearene begin and end, Knowing her fortune’s fall, high hope’s close— And gently, Time, bring Death, that, like a friend, Shall lay her down to share her boy’s repose. THE NEW ZODIAC COMPANY LIMITED. Tue old Zodiac Company—from whom it has of late become utterly | hopeless to endeavour to obtain anything like a settlement—having | gone into liquidation, a new Company is in course of formation to | take over an on the business, Cassiopeia has consented for the | resent to occupy the Chair of the New Zodiac Company Limited, and ercury has been eypmnted Secretary pro tem, Mars is just now too much occupied with Imperial matters in Asia and Africa to have leisure for attention to celestial movements, but some of the other planets, who, as using the road, have an interest in a the Ecliptic in order, have promised to aid in the direction. Cetus has un- dertaken to assist in floating the Company; and Taurus, with his little brother, Taurus Poniatowski, has agreed with the Great and Little Bears to abstain from meddling with the Shares, any allotment of which has been peremptorily refused to Cervus. As soon as the business of the old company can be taken over, the Zodiac and its rolling stock will be put into thorough repair. By this means it is hoped that the Sun may be enabled to resume his old path, so as to be visible by next Christmas—at latest. Applications for Shares to be directed to the Secretary, care of New Zodiae Office, Aquarius, Official Liquidator. 456, West Strand, W.C. The Khedive’s Summing Up. ** Abdication or Deposition. Such is the alternative offered tothe Kurprvr | by the Three Powers. The intervention of Germany has brought matters to this decisive issue.’’—Egyptian Telegram. ABDICATION is vexation, ition ’s twice as bad ; The Rule of Three it bothers me, And Bismarck drives me mad ! THE RIGHT HON. W. E. G. ON MENTAL PACKING, Iw his speech at Mill Hill School, Mr. Grapstowe condemned the ractice of cramming a boy’s mind as one would pack a portmanteau. erhaps, however, he would waive his objection if the boy’s mind could be filled like a Gladstone ! Morto ror Drivk at Tue Princess’s.— D. 7. fabula narratur !”

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FERRE en ee he Opal Sreeete oe Le 3 ee 2, SP TL. ROR OF : DP a hy ay cu PA Bye Eas 5 yA Caseer- / Kl pag WF OUD AGT WE y ON AN OLD SHOE. How UNGAINLY SEEMS THE SANDAL-SHOE OUR GRANDMOTHERS WORE, COMPARED WITH THE HIGH-HEELED, EXQUISITELY-POINTED CHAussURE oF OUR Davucurers! Bor aLas! For THe LATreR, THAT IT SHOULD 80 SPOIL THE BEAUTIFUL LIMB IT I8 INTENDED TO SET OFF ! FoR SHOULD FASHION SUDDENLY APPoINt A Day OF JUDGMENT, AND Bare FEET BE THE ORDER OF THAT DAY, SUCH OF ouR GRANDMOTHERS AS STILL SURVIVE WOULD HAVE TO COME FORWARD AND VINDICATE THE HONOUR OF THE BaitisH Toorsicum. ——WHICH DOLOROUS REFLECTION MUsT B¢ Mr. Puncn’s APOLOGY FOR THE ABOVE FRANTIC AND NOT ALTOGECHER PLEASING DesiGn. Eee ' i ee : The President. Nous verrons. I propose you be suspended. OBSTRUCTION—AND ITS REMEDIES. (ike Matin ons .cgiatedte: Gals el teed, GP EG viaing t0 « man, the Left abstaining. As 1T 1s In Panis. M. de Fanfaron. M. \e Président, allow me to inform you that Uvow the President taking the Chair M. AcuiLLe pe Fanraron | you are a thief, a cap and an infamous wretch. rushed into the tribune, and proclaimed the Minister of the Interior| Zhe President. You shall be prosecuted for this. a liar, a coward, a fool, and a slave. | DM. de nes oA Pardon me! I think not. I should be sorry to The President. The Assembly cannot permit this language—so | be considered impolite, but I think you will find that I am protected coarse, 80 degrading to those who use it. (Shouts of “‘ No!” from | from prosecution by my position. _ = ‘ the Right.) I call M. pz Fanraron to order. The President (after consulting with the Ministry). M. px Fanra- M. de Fanfaron. What order! The only order you have any right | 2ON, you are quite right, and | apologise for my mistake. to is the order of the Chevalier @ Industrie. M. de Fanfaron. Not at all. [Laughter from the Right, violent exclamations from the Left.| The President. And now I must call upon you to leave the The President. This is too much! 1 shall have to proceed to the | Chamber. censure. | Upon this a scene of indescribable excitement ensued, in the M. de Fanfaron. Then censure yourself. If you do it properly, it | midst of which were heard cries and expressions of a very painful will take you a lifetime! character. [ Violent excitement, and free fights in several quarters.| Ultimately an officer of Gendarmerie was introduced who insisted The President (solemnly). After this, there is but one thing to do. | that M. pe Fanraron should leave the Chamber. I shall put on my hat. [Prolonged sensation.| M. pz Fanraron having left the Chamber, the business of the —~" Fanfaron (after an interval of silence). You will put on a| evening was quietly poueveled with. very one ! [Howls of fury from the Left, and derision from the Right. As IT oUGHT TO BE IN LonDon. The President, I cannot permit my hat to be insulted. (Long The House went into Committee upon the Civil Service Estimates, continued cheering from the Left.) So long as you insulted me, M. | Class V. pe Fanraron, I treated your attacks with the contempt, the loath-| Upon the item for £220 for pins, Mr. O’Rowpy moved that the ing, the derision they deserved; but when you abuse so old and | Vote be reduced by £200. He was not at all satisfied that pins were valued an article of my wardrobe, I have a right to insist upon your i n for the proper on of the public business. silence. The Casmomtian of the Vicusaumn ommeel Mr. O’Rowpy that [Immense applause J ao the Left, and loud cries of ‘‘ Trés-| pins were conetantly required for keeping most important bien !” and ** C'est vrai!” from the Ministerial Benches. , an tome As something like six hours already been lost in M. de Fanfaron. I shall not be silent. (Here the Deputy’s voice | trivial objections, he trusted that the remaining votes would be by the sound of the President's bell. When order had | passed without captious co e repeated—) I said I should not be silent. I repeat it! | was drow been restored, Mr. O’Rowpy, in a long and excited speech, protested against the

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jvne 28, SSS XA Nourse Gambetta. “I’VE THE RETURN TO PARIS. BROUGHT BACK LE CHER ENFANT STRONG AND HEARTY. AIR WILL AGREE WITH HIM AS WELL AS COUNTRY!” LET US HOPE TOWN

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* - . F “ m - — : ep, 0) ¥ bie has , 2 \ oo & fox i : x , \ ve it, OF 7 ie Ee ; A ' « : aE " hangars pie: : a ay bie * pat 2 ie i don dere i Dt aaa \ ‘ girren aes Mapas are He «A Aee neta - agg 9 Oe ‘ ree SSCS

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Junz 28, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. attempt of the CuancELLor of the Excueqver to tamper with the liberty of the House. He (Mr. O’Rowpy) had no doubt but what unds and pounds of pins were wasted annually. He should carry is Motion to a division. d The Amendment was then put, and lost by am overwhelming a “/ Mr. O’Rowpy then rose, and declared that he would oppose everything and everybody. ; The Chairman having called the Hon. Member to order without effect, a Policeman was introduced, who imsisted that Mr. 0’ Rowpy should ‘‘ Move on!” Mr. O’Rowpy having refused to move on, was moved off, and the watpens of the evening was rapidly brought to a satisfactory con- usion. REASONS FOR REPEAL OF COTTON DUTIES. (Ten to One—as offered freely by Lord S—s8—yr.) 1, Because the Governor-General knew a good deal more about the matter than his Council. au Because a Perey at India knew 2 great deal more than the ene’ it was inmpattont, So ont-t1a. o nom use one. a Selene ete of Pees Trade Ee ever been Corn Laws had been repealed solely on this under- economic truth is eternal, and must prevail. it was an act of wisdom, if not of statesmanship, to insist on this at a moment when the Indian Treasury was giving noble Lords in Opposition were given to tergiversations when Lord Satissury was at the India Office he had been known often, out of mere zeal for his charge, to shout out ‘* Perish England!” in his sleep. But yor (11) Because the Government were anxious to secure the Lancashire Vote at the next Election. A QUERY OF THE DAY. Cue saRA Sara? Avis per-rara ! Sculptress and Paintress, Poseuse and Faintress, Swooning and swaying, Playing and praying, For praise or for profit, On stage, or off it. Of actresses actress ; Press-benefactress— Critics-uppoking, st \ ~\ 4, \ : WSs Canard-provoking, \ Paragraph-feeding, F EGR WY \\ Puffery-breeding,— \ AS Che saRA Sara,— \ NN WAY AX Qa aay Avis per-rara ? “ = Not Quite So Easy. Inp1a has two wolves at her door— Insolvency and Famine. The one barks at her throat, yearly, the other assails her at inter- vals, longer or shorter, but not tending apparently to et longer. A saving of a illion may be a anal sop to the one wild beast. It is That needs administration of a different dose— rather of strychnine that will kill, than of a sop that will only stop its mouth for the moment. Who will reveal to us the Famine- killer of the future ? none to the other. Suggestions for Swains. _ Ir is said that wheat is ceasing to repay the Farmer for cultiva- tion. He is therefore recommended to rear cattle instead. ‘This would be a transition from the Georgics to the Bucolics, and, if accompanied by a return to — simplicity of ght elices : 1 living. nimium, sua si bona norint.” COULEUR DE ROSE. (The Chancellor of the Exchequer at the Banquet of the Tower Hamlets Conservative Association.) Mr. Cuaremay, and Ladies and Gentlemen,—this Is a moment of mo pabeting with bliss. ’Tis with pride and Pp rise to respond To the toast you received with a rapture so fond. It is also, believe me, with and pride That I greet this muster of friends to our side. In fact “* pride and ” are words I’d beseech Your to as the text of my speech. 1’m of optimist tastes, as the country well knows, And my views about most thimgs are couleur de rose : So the alliteration is much te my mind. Tis with pride and wi see so kind ; oe vin mead Veneer gered, i has the same rosy free da (" ie p-p- yet. plain they "se inopired by the opiett of re inspi t of all things what gives me most to"see the ranged on our e have times, as the old women say And to deal the crisis has not been child’s lay. We may have made blunders, but then, after all, Like the lady’s fauz-pas, they have been “‘ very small.’’ Whilst day after day has been big with the fate Of—Lord B. and of Britain—a critical state! But our Chief has dodged danger, avoided defeat— So Conservative Choirs may sing large and sing sweet, While discomfited Rads may sing sour and sing smal! — None will dance to their tune, — they keep up their bawl. But Lord B.’s firmness, courage, and energy—(cheers) — Might move brawny Bismarck to envious tears. There is still work before us. But things in the East Are settling down nicely—I think so, at least. We have crumpled the Afghan, and baffled the Bear. The African bungle we’ll very soon square— (Though I do not quite like that half-million a week !)— And then we can boast, sans suspicion of ‘‘ cheek,” We have brought you Peace. As for snarlers who say That we were the parties who drove her away, hy am not one-game i pening, - ‘ t the hustings you’ll see them disposed of like winking. For Home-le tion we ’ve had little leisure, But I think | may say—with as much pride as pleasure— land has ne’er from her dignity swerved. Though her trade’s in a pickle, her honour’s preserved. Distress? Humph, well—yes ; but don’t take that to heart. We shall soon set things right when we make a fresh start. Let us hope that Prosperity’s full rays may soon shine— Though just now talk of sunshine sounds rather like moonshine. At least I may mention~ with pleasure and pride— That the blame for bad times does not rest with our side. There ’s one fly in my ointment, one thorn in my rose— Obstruction! But there, never mind. I suppose I was born a Pill Garlick; at school twas the same ; Boys shied books at my head, and J got all the blame. And now that the Home-Rulers pelt me, of course ’Tis set down to my lack of discretion and force. No matter. Return lots of Members like him— (Mr. Ritcu1e, I mean)—with a stern-wiad we ’ll swim, And on waves of prosperity buoyantly ride, With no check to our pleasure, no curb te our pride ! Tue Farmer ror tHe Fare.—A Husbandman.

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“Ee ATER ORE RRR > * freA . ons uy ROS PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jone 28, 1879. { Nawge uj ‘¢ ies Sa 7 | i iz ’ THE INTERMENT QUESTION. Old Gent (disturbed over his ** Times” after Breakfast). *‘TH#re’s A POWERFUL SMELL oF COOKING COMES IN FROM THE OPEN Winpow, Hannan.” —(Snifing.)—‘‘ Can You 92 Hannah (nearly in tears). “‘I was a Gorn’ TO SPEAK To you, Sir. THE Poor OLD CaT DIED LasT Nicat, SiR, AND THE YOUNG Genrs '’—(his two little Nephews on a Visit)—*‘ sap THEY’D BuRY IT IN THE GARDEN FOR ME; ’8STEAD 0’ WHICH THEY’RE A—THEY 'RE a”’'—(breaking down)—‘‘ CREE-MATIN’ OF IT OVER THERE BY THE STABLES, Siz! !”’ sae wr q . ABs en butter on bread. We were not a pack of girls. Must accustom our- THE WOOLWICH CADET OF THE FUTURE, selves to military simplicity of elem. as food on service would often (A Leaf from his Diary.) be of roughest and coarsest kind. Better learn to do without tea and vation ¥- coffee altogether. Might often be glad to get water. At all events, Treep out with my journey. Glad to get to myroom. No carpet, | if we must have tea, could not be allowed milk and sugar. bare whitewashed =f ; no furniture but bed and washing-stand.| Back to studies. Could not help contrasting it with the comfortable little crib I had| At seven extremely hungry. No sign of dinner. Junior Cadet eft at home. Sat down on floor, and opened portmanteau. | deputed to inquire reason. Called to attention by Commandant. Informed that Academy not Jommandant explained—We were not a pack of girls. Our duty | intended for a pack of young Ladies. Cadets expected to submit | to accustom ourselves to the hardships and discomforts of military | themselves willingly to Spartan rule. Stood at “‘ attention,” as life. On active service we should be unable to observe regular hours | Commandant overhauled boxes. \for meals. First thing that happens in a campaign conducted on Photographic Album, dressing - gown, woollen comforter, and | British principles is breakdown of commissariat. Commissariat sup- slippers confiseated. Informed that such luxuries could not be| posed to have broken down. Could not have anything to eat till permitted. Ordered to change atlas with coloured maps for one|te-morrow morning. Ordered to bivouae for night in kitchen with plain ditto. garden. Commandant explained we were not a pack of girls; Got into bed. Deuced hard. Single mattress. No pillow: only | should not require anything but water-proof sheet and shelter of | one blanket ; no counterpane. Was not long in getting to sleep. gooseberry bushes. Suddenly awakened by bugle-call. Jumped into my uniform. Query (before bivouac bugle-call).—Had there been a military | Rushed into corridor. Found myself face to face with Commandant | academy in Sparta on Woolwich principles, whether most of the and Bugler. Spartan fellows wouldn’t have cut it ? Told that would do. Asked if anything wrong. Commandant | aR Ad a explained ; nothing wrong ; merely night- exercise. Told we | were not a pack of girls, and must accustom ourselves to discomforts | Absit Omen! of military career. Ordered back to bed. ‘ L (On the Assembly's change of quarters.) Alarms repeated three times in course of the night. Not sorry | when six o’clock came, to up in earnest. Wiru war's seeds ’twixt Parties, as Goddesses, sown, Servant brought pail with ice. Commandant thinks we had better Let’s hope that the oe afar is, accustom 0 ves to iced-water bathing in depth of winter. May | Of another apple of discord thrown | be some day stationed at North Pole. For another Judgment of Paris ! After iced tub and rub down with No. I. Corridor jack-towel, | Gymnasium for three hours. Bugle-call to breakfast. Address by Commandant as we stood round tables (no chair’).| Tue Pusiic to rms Purverors or Gas AND Water.—Rather Seid he wished to explain why no milk and sugar in tea, and no! your room than your Company.

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June 28, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 299 ~ RW EAXQQAAA 2 Ma Arg ~~ A WELL-EARNED REPROOF. Father (sternly). ‘‘ 1’ MUCH DISAPPOINTED TO FIND, SiR, THAT YOU ARE Fist IN EVERY —. CLAss. GRACEFUL WAY AT THIRTEEN?” Son. ** I’m VERY SORRY, FATHER. IT AGAIN.”’ Father. *‘I Hore nor! BIGGEST DUNCE OR THE GREATEST MUFF IN THE WHOLE ScuHoo1, ALTOGETHER !”’ I aLSO HEAR, TO MY GREAT REGRET, THAT YOU HAVE DISTINGUISHED YOURSELF BOTH AT CRICKET AND FOOTBALL, AND ARE THE BEST GYMNAST IN THE SCHOOL. EXPECT WILL BE LEFT OF YOU AT THIRTY, IF YOU TAKE IT OUT OF YOURSBLF IN THIS DI8- For iF BY THE END OF NEXT TERM YOU ARE NOT EITHER THE LIGHT OUT OF DARKNESS. Query, How to convert motion into electricity, so as to be enabled to generate the electric light at a moderate cost? By means of waterfalls, windmills, and tidal rivers, answer scientific economists. (Good. But is there not another motive agency which could be very cheaply and readily INN, supplied? Couldn’t you get it out of con- NN) vict labour? By the — expedient of connecting our an ills with electro-magnetic machines, a quantity of force convertible into electric currents, and thence into light, might be obtained pro- portionate to the strength of criminals in custody. Thus the moral darkness of the country might be made to afford the means of physical illumination ; as is the darkness so would be the light—very great. Isn’t this a pretty as well as a scientific idea ? In the meanwhile you would put rogues ieves, and ruffians to some use, an © do something for their molasses, ag and cell-accommodation, with- out forcing prison labour into injurious competition with honest industry. AMERICAN SHEMASONS. Can a woman keep a secret? Possibly ; at least in the United States: and if she belong to certain associations included amongst— “FemMaLe Misstonary Socretis.—The re- ports of the American May Meetings include that of the Women’s Presbyterian Board of Foreign Missions, described as attended by representatives of various women’s societies throughout the United States. The meeting was held on the 23rd of May at Saratoga. Men were not admitted.” From this interesting item of Transat- lantic intelligence it appears that a con- siderable some of American Ladies have gone ahead so far as to have formed them- selves into secret societies, excluding men —as s exclude women—from their To a missionary meeting of women ratoga ‘‘ men were not admitted.” The female missionaries were ‘‘ tiled” against mankind. There is a curious felicity dis- cernible in the selection of Saratoga for WHAT DO You . the shemasons’ meeting. Saratoga is a I pIDN’T DO IT ON PURPOSE—AND—AND I won’r po compound of Sara a toga—Sara sig- rtains to, nifying the sex the name — toga meaning toga virilis — with underclothing and continuations to cor- respond. I1’LL TAKE YOU AWAY FROM OUR ABSENT FRIEND. On the Entertainment to the Comédie Frangaise at the Mansion House. Srr,—I regret having been unable to join in the festin at the Man- sion House, as it must have been a very grand and jovial affair— specially for Mile. Saran Bernuarpt — but the Paris Figaro’s account of the guests has rather bothered me. Here is an extract :— “ A cété du Lord Maire était placée Mme. Mapetine Bronan; M. Em. PERRIN se trouvait auprés de Mme. la Mairesse. La scéne anglaise était | représentée par Miss NEILson, une adorable tragédienne et comédienne, qui a joué onze cents fois le réle de Juliette ; Mme. Kennet, Mme. BANKRorr, iss Nevitie; M. Vestn, M. Winpuam, M. Cu. WARNER, qui a en ce moment un grand succés 4 Londres dans The Drink, imitation de L’ Assom- moir.”’ I recognise Miss Nerison. That’s easy enough, and I don’t suppose among all the comédiennes et tragédiennes could they find a prettier face than hers. The French reporter took care to inquire about her, and get her name all right,—but how about the others? Mme. Kenpzt—only one vowel out—and then Mme. Banxrorr!!! = a triumph for Countess Zicka, the Russian Adventuress, in | cy! Mr. and Mrs. Bancrort at once avail themselves of this title, | **Count and Countess Banxrorr”—there couldn’t be a better title | for the Manager and Manageress of the Prince of Wales’s, which | | should change its name to the Imperial Czar Theatre. Bravo, Count BanxnrorrF ! Who is Miss Nevitte? There may be such an artiste among us, or is it Mister Henry NEVILLE in disguise? ‘‘ And this is fame!’ cried either the Editor of the Eatanswill Gazette or the other idiot, his rival. Then here is Mr. Vestn with an ‘‘s” instead of a ‘‘z,” Pity they didn’t make it ‘‘ Wex-stn,” and henceforth he could have been known as Mr. Lirtie Peccapitio. “ Mr. Wixpnam” with an ‘“*T” instead of a“ y.” Well, the substitution is good. Finally, Mr. CHARLES WARNER, who is so successful in ‘‘ The Drink”! Capital. Bravo, French Figaro Reporter! And how does CHAnizs Reape like ‘“‘imitation de L’Assommoir”? But no matter. Here’s another extract :— “Le suecés de beauté a été pour Mile. Banerra fort remarquée par le Lord Maire; pour Miles. Croizetre et Samany, celle-ci riant beaucou lorsqu’ on lui a é le lowing cup, ou coupe d’amour, sorte de ciboire en vermeil rempli de vin e la cannelle, od chacun boit a son tour suivant un cérémonial prescrit—Mlle. SAMARY ne pouvait de décider 4 y tremper ses jolies lévres. “ Mile. Bennuarpt, placée au bout de la table d’honneur et ayant pour voisin son camarade THIRON, ne semblait pas s’amuser beaucoup.” The ‘‘ Lowing Cup” is good for Loving oe. It sounds like somebody’s Drink for Cattle. And then poor Mile. Sanan, who was bored by it all, and showed it too! ing i lest the Figaro account should have escaped your Argus eyes, I send it,andam Yovr Rerresentative (chez ha). =

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age ieee? ee a oo hes oi het wet Wee eee Wants Nc ” y aaa. aiid: ea . a ue 300 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juxe 28, 1879. AWFUL DEFECTION. SSS SH dear, Jacos ——s st Brieut ! Vivisection out- . ' You cutting Cat’s tails off, Night after night! Aid 8 erft: is fi ae tions. Behind them is a’desert’ without a blade of f the form'the detestable ravage of the army-worm World. In the Old World,’especially in Germany and Russia, army-worm not only eats up the hay, but the cereals, and oa, thing, in fact, that supports human life! If this pestilent a serious nuisance on the other side of the Atlantic, on this side it is a curse whieh threatens to be destructive to human industry and progress altogether. F WISHES AT THE R.A. I wisu that all the works could be iabelled with their titles and the names of the Artists. If this accommodation is not practicable, I wish that the numbers could be made more conspicuous, and not put on tickets so twisted be illegible from below. The long struggle of short visitors to make out the present figures is exhausting, as well as tantalising. I wish anal a Master of Foxhounds, or a Chairman of a Railway, rr a Bishop, or a Sheriff, or a Lieutenant-General, or a Colonel of Rifles, that I might be painted for nothing, be presented with my own portrait, oul be handed down from generation to generation as . precious heirloom—even if ultimately, as an enormous bore, | I wish it was not so hot. | I wish I had come earlier. I wish I could find a seat. I wish T had come later. [ wish I could get up betimes in the morning, and be here when the doors open. I wish that the Academy would depute some of its Members to | go round the Galleries and point out the best works by outsiders and that the principal outsiders would perform the same useful office for the Academicians and Associates. | wish I had visited the Exhibition without reading beforehand a | single line of all that the critics have written. | wish that some of the pictures could have had better places, and others worse, and others—none at all. : | I wish the Catalogue would vouchsafe a little information about | “the Chantrey Bequest.” | JI wish I knew more about the Due D’Ansov, and the Due D’Enenren, and the Gordon Riots, and ‘‘the Studholme Chapter, Rose Croix,” and Boreas and Orithyia, and Caartorre Corpay, and Manag, and Nausicaa, and CaruEeRring Doveras, and Francesca | Da Ruwcryt, and Wai. the Silent, and Cariicies, and Bent and | Wrack, and the Cottabo, and the Cireulation of the Blood, and dry | point. | I wish Mr. Mrriars many happy returns of suceess like his portrait of Mr. GLADSTONE. I wish that the Academy would revive the order of female Acade- micians, too long in abeyance, and enrol in its ranks the Painter of Nos. 20 and 582. I wish the Academy would appoint me one of its Honorary Members—say, Professor of Ancient Mythology, or Philology, or | Stenography. I wish that there could be some indication in the Catalogue of the proper pronunciation of such distinguished, but perplexing names, as AtmA-TapEMA, Boru, Boveuton, CALDERON Vane CoE, FILpes, Hersomer, Ov.ess, Rrvrere, and YEAMEs. (Perhaps a little gui- dance te the orthoépy of Nausicaa would not be unacceptable.) I wish I had money to buy a landscape or two. If they can do it without risk of bankruptcy, { wish the Refresh- ment Centractors would charge something less t sixpence for a os that not a large cup—of tea. inally, I wish the Royal Academy an endless su of years of ever-increasing vigour, prosperi ih and success, mi of annual ings im its eoffers, long life to its accomplished President, lmerative and constant Commissions to each and all of its Members x3 2 sont Floreat opie ocdomse, Arie /—for hath it a abolis obligation to deposit sticks, parasols, before entering its penetralia ? = THE LOST SEASON, A Lay of the Future, “You are old, Father Writ1im!” the Youbg * Just a ae and one,” Father WILLIAM > And he waggled his beard with a sapient 6 ; ** Bless me!” said the Youth, “ that’s a jolly while To have lived, and you just must remember * No end,” quoth the Aged One, sipping his “ tot.” “T’m a hundred and one, come the tenth of ber, pes cosas Soke 0 Uy beck te Oe oon . remember stea , and "busses, and Lod te hie ofinm c ines wes talk Uemeed Kho Dies; eriecket, and ‘ strike,’ and drink fourpenny ale ; a ae was preserved, and folks cared about fun, And at that trifle, a hundred-ton gun ; I when Kings and kid-gloves were the thing, And yes, above all, I remem the Stet “4 “ What was that ?” eried the You Old ’Un, “‘ Oh dear ! You have neyer read up your old poets, I fear, | Or you wouldn’t ask that, thongh the name, it is true, Could have but traditional meaning for you. Why, the Spring was a Season, bland, genial, gay, Beginning with March, Boy, and ending with May; Just the time, as you know, when our North-easters blow, And the country lies under six inches of snow; : But then—ah, you’ll doubt me !—but then ’twas a time, Such as very old bards celebrate in their rhyme, When the sun used to shine ——” Cried the Youth, ‘‘ That’s absurd!” ** And the flowers——” ‘‘ Come, come!” said sted! ‘* my old bird, You’re a bit off your head.’’ Said the Sage, ‘* Ri d youth, Pray shut up. I am telling you nought but the truth. Then the skies were bright blue, and the fields were bright green, And the primrose, and lilac, and maybuds were seen— Now extinct as the Dodo—and birds used to sing. Oh, a jolly nice Season, my lad, was the Spring.” The Y pon f shook his head. ‘‘ Father Writ1am,” he said, ‘*1’m afraid it is time that you took to your ! You ’re a jolly old chap—I respect you as sueh— But the yarn you now pitch is a leet/e too much. March, April, and May, the worst months of the year, When colds are most common, and coals are most dear, Ever such as you picture them, flowery, fine, P All sweetness, mo song-birds, and sparkle, and shine ? Oh, Walker! Get home, Father WiLL14M, get home! For your wits, I am sure, are beginning to roam. | Why, June is now ending, with rain, rain, still rain! And Summer has followed Spring’s suit, ’tis too plain!” Troops by Train. In is of course a fact interesting to Mr. Brient that the Canadian Legislature has passed a resolution to ask the co-operation of the a age Government in constructing the Pacific Railway. Hope att e outset of Railway enterprise, told the flattering tale that all Railways would prove pacific. IskaEL IN Enotanp.—In the window of a shee ip Fotomate aoe is placarded a lately published pamphlet, enti’ Englishmen Tonaclites ? Probably im though Di : lites are said to be numerous. 4@ Vo Cogazsronpuyts.—The Bditor does not hold himself bound te acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions, In ne case can these be retwrned unless accompanied by « stampe d and directed envelope should be kept.

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Jury 5, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 301 HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON. Containing much that pe a Bon never 7 thought of in Dickens’s Dic- tionary. Visitors to the Metropohs during the are Se 4 “A 1.°—This i aiden, Hu —— It is alee aed as a title “i a in ad eChiet c “ A” | her ACADEM There are plenty the PY of Acad the shop-windows, and and roy A iS 3 don for ose N one of these is the Reval Aeadeesy, | *E where only Roy: Children are brought up. A theatre in the A theatre Strand, Sulit be an Irishmafi % ‘ he name of ERENCE. Every- body has td of the Adelphi of Tenence. Heroitiis, Mt, Baw Wrssrze, who wrote e Dictionary which bears nett is still contiected with this house of entertainment, The estminster and Lorp Bracons- FIELD were both named after Mr. “ Ber” WEssTER. In theatrical parlance, where ‘‘ Ben” is short for ‘‘ Benefit,” Mr. Wensrer is spoken of as the Biggest Ben ever known on the Stage. A to the theatre is by payment, but there is no extra char age for s ing on the doo: in order to give passers-by the i that you have your seat i and have only come out during an entr’acte. ul Just now it is “ y time” at the Seualiy stzong where they are play- ing Amy Robsart an ex on strong cast. Miss Nerisow is the chére Amy, “ raped ey say, by Messrs. Henny Nevitte and H. Vest. though the heroine is quite capabie of onppesting © herself. MIRALTY.—Where all the Admirals are. If you want an| : Admiral, call in here, and take ok choice. Office-hours from eleven to five. When you enter the gates, you must say to the sailor on duty, ‘‘ What cheer, messmate ? a sa ** Aye, aye, my hearty! Cheer it al ng may t the door you must ring three bells, Loblolly bor in buttons will os a o hese 1 tnd signals willbe from the masthead. mee yee s will be informed whether ¢ re Admiral you ’ve come Sante If he is, ask him for an order to view the collection of Tales told to the Marines, in the Nautical aw ~'§ Also — os an order for the dry cellars where th te ew Be kept, and admission to the Museum, where you will find the Wooden Walls | now of Old wy used we to keep out the draughts The rooms at the k of the b balding, are entirely Rear-Admirals. In the smoking-room only horn-pi a a the binnacle. Bvaryone takes grog aboard at five bells. through the hall, be careful to implicit obedience to the notice—‘‘ V are ieu- uested wor to speak to the man at the ‘f Ad- miralty is governed by three who are The Three Masters, of whom the one who es before the others in the morning, is styled the First Lord. In the back-yard, on which the rooms of the Rear-Admirals look out, are kept Mother Carey’s chickens, all under hatches. An in interesting sight, ih no visitor to London should miss. ALBANY.—A funereal sort of Burlington Arcade, guarded by two officials, one at each end. Here the State prisoners are kept, their cells being on the right and left of the central passage. ponaies, stranger, and pass on! All hope abandon ye who enter “ALBERT HALL.—A very =, Se person, and well-known nee anys Mo whose 2 Seen - Pe clihtfal t by eve = coming for season, as he gives parties, an 8 residence commands a fine view of Hyde Park. a ay mn —The residence of the Moorish Ambassador in ter Square. Receptions every night from seven till 11°30. MP PINE CLUB. — any speculator can invest in Alpine pure mountains. Mount Blanc b’ =, Moun Grosvenor Square. foing ahaa to an oe Se em id all the bars in are permitted to It confers on you the right of to attend all _an Analyst's nearest po London ca a stran e yourself wi and corners to be secondary meaning, sea-fish are rarely ti have been seen above it. With such chances disci —A where there are two sorts of fish ; mumerous. All , and some loose fish outside. The coe ae comes to their net, and so Jones’s Domestic Forecast. >, 3.—Mary Jems. Same as 2 ys oe s 6— " Squally. Wemningo~foen Cook and Buttons. disturbance in the West-En: A DARK SEANCE. “ The Upper House sat in camerd for the rest of the day.”’ was met with a negative. ‘‘ The rest is silence.” on Primrose St. Paul’s, to the ducks in the Park, and the right of we at an fountain within the four-mile radi a cabman or ’bus conductor, produce Whiek will be be at once a satisfactory , inquire whether they tak = Stocks, wee are ot vy 4 daily in the City. The Alpine Club have longs to Seeks go upevery summer. Look for their offices in ANALY —Direct] you ome —. to London, lose no time in Analyt, analysed. When you have been name in his annals, London, Criterion, and the Old Bailey Bar. "tyne and can walk about as much as serapble to ight through e, walk without being eg bh Ln by the » you are bound to accept the one down t’other come on, until the Burlington yin grees ~ to ke Borket, yall ook in at wet tiene times to the to pluck services us. and ket. y in such penknives, you where hoolboy coming out of au courant ey mistake for which he r to the an Ana- ual 4 hee rin All ; and Colney d ing the corners or “ doin ians and drivers o of the Angles, which accounts found all implying it is almost obsolete, except perhaps in Serpentine, which—it being a long time 80 we may as well anticipate the information— the serpents found in it. serpents are not venomous, and closely resemble eels. Every sort of fish may be pn ptagt ted (yey between the hours of 8 a.m. and 8 P.M. can be oe tench, jack, trout, salmon trout, char, bridge, at hand, of Izaax Watton hook it elsewhere ? that is, they are exhibiting « learned Bul . The motto of the establishment is ** Bless the !” Here you can see everything from Indefatigable Flyers, aa, down to the Industrious Fleas. July 1. J. Gente ond threctening, ai Dull in the morning. Very fine in the afternoon » 4.—M “ao Rather fresh towards midnight. Pressure in the East ea, which may be the occasion of Tue Report of the first sitting of Convocation finished thus :— Of course their photographs were all taken, and every proposition VOL, LXXVI. DD

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BEAUTY A CRITIC ON BEAUTY. INT SHE LOOKING ‘LovELy !” ‘*] NEVER COULD SEE THE Fred and Charlie. **Taene’s Mrs. SpirFincton! A = = s = ° m 4 e | § E % <a = 2° 4 ~ io ° <<] n & < =] & 4 ° A 2 n om me % 2 oO — a LOVELINEss OF Mrs. SpirrincTo ” a rival Beavty). ner, zs LOVELY, IF YOU LIKE! Mrs. Billington (

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-_ — — Jury 5, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - Mowpay, June 23 (Lords).—His Royal Highness the ComMANDER-IN- Cuter has done his best to clear him- self of blame in connection with the death of the Prrvce Imprriat. His letters to Lord CHELMSFORD are credit- able to his -nature, whatever they may be to his grammar, BEACONSFIELD and Earl Gran- VILLE spoke the — with the bereaved mother 0: e vernment and the Opposition Peers. Lord Truro did his best to get the Committee on the Thames Prevention of Floods Bill instructed to charge on the rates the cost of works for public benefit under the Bill, The Archbishop of CanreRsury, speaking with the voice of _ Lord RepEspALE said the Bill should have been a Public Bill ; that it would want sharp after, but deprecated any instruction to the Committee. Lord ESDALE likes to monopolise the in- struction of Committees in the Lords. (Commons.)—A rush of questions. Mr. Lowruer is acquiring an unenviable distinction for his “‘ chaffy” way of answering his Irish querists. It seems to be his object to get the Home- Rulers to tread on the tail of hiscoat. In fact, Mr. Lowruemr, like the English Powe ea -:—=C eeree aruerereyrvr \w * HER, 1s LOVELY, IF YOU LIKE!” |

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‘n ere Sie ete sae nes iain WO a. Dens one » 304 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Jury 5, 1879. Sa “ Ss LAST SWEET THING IN TOILETTES., (With Punch’s Compliments to M. Worth.) settlers within the pale, of old, is evidently becoming * psi Hibernis Hibernior,” in his relish for a row, and his skill tn getting up one. Prayers on all sides for light—light—more light on the Egyptian darkness, from Sir F, Gotnsmip, Lord Hartrineton, Mr. Baient, Mr. Orway, and Mr, Courtwry. The darkness is cleared up now. What do we see? A dissolving view. zit Kueprve, ushered out by Powers. Enter Tewrrk, ushered in by Padishah. Manet, poor fellah—under his burden. He alone is unchanged. In Committee on Army es poy Bill, Mr. Hotms made a bold | move to get privates represented on Courts-Martial. They are so in Foreign armies. The Right Honourable Mr. C. G. Bewrinck, and Colonel ALEXANDER protested against the change as unnecessar and impracticable, idiers had perfect confidence in Courts- Marti as now constituted. Sir H, Haverocn, General Suure, and all the _ soldiers im the House, bore the same testimony; Mr. O'DonweLi contra. Some progress was actually made with the Bill, and a whole batch of other Bills was advanced a stage. Hurrah! No ory to speak of, and a good deal of wool for once. Tuesday (Lords).—Poor Lord Oranmore! He had a notice on Monday’s paper, and when it came on he was not in his place, so his order was dropped. Lord Oranmore said he had stayed till a quarter past six, at which hour a Bill was under discussion. How could he dream of the possibility of his notice being reached ? If a noble Lord mayn’t go home with a clear conscience at a quarter past six, what are we coming to! Commons (Morn: iy Ai is satisfactory to know that we mean to make the y pay part of the expenses of this unhappy war. Mr. O’Donwett is much exercised about the burning of Zulu a in the House seems kraals by our { s involves the break- ing of eggs. The time to stir is i urwilling to admit that the t is ordered. More progress with the Army _ Colonel STaNLEY fo notice of ement of the Clause relat- | ing to the powers of the Provost- lo Sir Ropert Peer said, if that Clause were postponed, it would be better to postpone the rest of the Bill. Sir W. Hancovrr said there would be no difficulty in penning the Bill if the House could only have the benefit of the Honourable Baronet’s absence. Thanks to that, they had passed twenty-one clauses, and if he would only continue to stay away, would soon pass twenty-one more. Mr. O’Donwett declared, if the Clause was postponed, his inten- tion of opposing the rest of the Bill. It was a famous chance of winning poelcity. ae aye Colonel Stantey said his object was to limit the very unlimited powers of the Provost-Marshal. ; There wasa long fight over the Enlistment Clauses. Finally, power was given to extend the period of enlistment from six to twelve years. Mr. O’DonnELt moved, in the teeth of all reason, to omit the words forfeiting a man’s previous service, for desertion, fraudulent enlistment, and other heinous offences, in the count of time towards pension. On which Mr. Biecar talked the House out. 3 The morning’s talk-out was followed by a Count Out in the evening. ‘Thus bad begins, but worse remains behind.’’ Wednesday.—A serious and interesting adjourned debate over Second Reading of the O’Connor Don's Irish University Bill, notable for new departures of some leading Liberals in the direction of concessions to Irish ideas. Professor PLayratr, for one, evident] inclined in this direction, though he could not support this Bill, whic would constitute a theological Academy in Ireland. He would never consent to put the higher education under ecclesiastical authority, whether of Rome or Geneva. i Mr, Learuam boldly broke with his party, in view of the import- anee of giving a University education to Roman Catholics which Roman Catholics would accept. ‘‘ When prejudices were the preju- dices te whole nation, they almost rose to the dignity of principles.” Mr, W. E. Fousrer followed suit :— ** He could not see why it was just that Roman-Catholic students should not have quite as good a chance of getting a degree, of obtaining quite as much State aid in the acquisition of high University culture as Protestant students. He entirely with his hon. friend the Member for Hudders- field that the present of things in reality enforced religious disability.” But the Nonconformists who speak through Mr. Ricuarp held their gro e could support no Bill that took the remnant of the revenues ef the Disestablished Church to endow the Roman- es aoe Ea in effect would do this, disguise the as its promoters mig’ Mr. Horr (a supporter of Government) said— “They were asked to provide by that Bill for the endowment of colleges which might or would be sectarian colleges, and for a University which should hereafter assume a denominational character under the control of the Roman- Catholic hierarchy. That was the scheme which the Bill was calculated to promote ; and he was on that account compelled to give it his opposition.”’ fir W. Bartretor wanted to know “On what ground we were to endow a Roman-Catholic University, when we would not give any endowment to Roman-Catholic primary education ? It had been determined that religious animosities in Ireland should as far as possible be put on one side, and that all classes should be brought up together, so that they might live together without those heartburnings engendered by denominational education. These things being so, no Government would be able te deal with this question on the lines of this Bill.” Mr. Synawn gave the Irish Roman-Catholic reasons in favour of the Bill; Mr. Macarrney and the Irish Attorney-General the Irish Protestant reasons against it. In the end, Mr. Cross sprang a mine on the House by announcing that the Government meant to put their views on the question on record by introducing a measure of their own, which the Lorp CHANCELLOR would leave to do to-morrow. Sir W. Harcourt gave the Government a sharp wigging for not sparing the time of the House by sooner announcing their inten- tion. as this to be another ‘‘ Ten Minutes’ Bill?” The CHancettor of the Excuequer declared the Government had only made up their minds after hearing and weighi t had been said in favour of the Bill, and ee to the con- elusion that they could not support the Bill, they felt they were bound to bring forward their counter-proposal in the shape of a Bill of her own. In other words, the Cabinet having felt the pulse of their sup- porters, have discovered that the only thing they ean do is to drop the red-hot poker of Irish University Education. That is what it comes to. eir supporters won’t have the O’Connor Don’s Bill. They can’t their own; but they can introduce it. They will introduce it, and drop it forthwith. Thursday (Lords).—At the eleventh hour, the House of Lords, by Lord Carnarvon, have interfered to save from disfigurement by cast-iron wings, or at least to interpose a Select Committee ; between it and that embellishment. Sir J. Rewyre’s Bridge is not yet safe ; but at least there is to be q rehearing of those who think that provision for City traffic across the riper - be made without Coteer ing a noble architectural work. ill, on Third Reading, has referred to a Select Committee. (Commons.) — To-night’s sitting was memorable for the most Irish of all the Irish rows of the year, if not the Session. Mr. O’Cornor Power, askin Chief as to a question his authority for saying that Bs of the queae the late Tenant Farmers’ Meeting at Milltown, County Galway, were not tenant- |

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Juty 5, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL farmers at all, was answered in the Lowtherian manner, in a light and jaunty style, that made the supporters of Government laugh, and the Irish Home-Rule Members savage. Whereupon Mr. O'Connor PowEr moved the adjournment of the House, for the purpose of itching into the Chie? re! ; whereupon the none of the overnment went off in a loud an lively conversation, which drowned Mr. O’Connor’s voice ; whereupon Mr. O’Connor’s friends, Mr. Par- NELL at their head, rushed in, on the point of order; whereupon Mr. NewprGaTe rose to order on Mr. Parnett, and Mr. Sutirvan to order on Mr. NewpraaTE, and the Cuancettor of the ExcueqvER on Mr. Sutxrvan, and Mr. Mrrcnerit-Henry on the CHANCELLOR of the Excurq till at last the Speaxer himself was swept into the row, and disorder swam order and reigned supreme. Then the mild wisdom of Lord eton threw oil on the troubled waters ; but, even after that, the storm was very nearly rai between Mr. Brient, the Cuancentor of the Excuequer, and Joun MANNERS. Whereupon explanations from everybody who had been concerned in the disturbance made confusion worse confounded till Mr. O’Connor Power withdrew his Motion, and the House settled down to the business of the evening, after an hour of such lively om on as would not have done discredit tothe French Legislative Shamber. The CHancettor of the Excneqver confirmed the news of the abdication of the Kueptve in favour of his son, Prince Tewrrx, and answered Lord Hartineton’s questions, to the effect that France, Germany, Austria, Russia, Italy, and the Porte, had all had a finger in the Egyptian pie ; that the principal ground for pressing Ismar1’s abdication was the misgovernment of Egypt ; and that the abdication had taken place in obedience to orders received from the Porte. Mr. Fawcett wanted to know if the recommendations to the Kuepive to resign had been made solely in consequence of the mis- government of his people, and had acthing to do with the failure of the KHEprve to execute his engagements to his creditors. The Cuancettor of the Excuequer said the “‘ complications ” between the Kueprve and his creditors were “‘ part of the case against him.” To pay his creditors he had to squeeze his poor fellahs, and this caused oppression ; “‘ but still it would be incorrect to say —- complications were the reason of the action of the Govern- ment. Poor Sir StarrorD! How helplessly yet laboriously he beat about the bush! But it would not have been pleasant to say that England has been dragged into action at the wheels of Prince Bismarcx’s chariot, and that spirited England only interfered on finding that the — European Powers were quite prepared to interfere with- out her. Friday (Lords),—Lord Carnarvon pleaded for the oppressed Armenians. Lord Saxispury sneered at the folly and impatience with the progress of Turkish reforms in Asia Minor. urry no man’s cattl ially the Sunran’s. Money makes the Turk to go,—and, as the Turk has no money, it is a case of ‘‘ no go” with the Turk. Very pleasant, especially when we consider that we have guaranteed Turkish dominion in Asia Minor on condition of its reform, and that there is no reform of its condition. (Commons.)—More talk over Army Discipline and Reform Bill. Bepgen i the scene of Thursday, the House brought in a Bill or its own A MATTER OF TASTE. “As to the wsthetical character of the work, that was purely a matter ¢ lla Lord Chancellor on the Proposed Widening of London ridge. A maTTER of taste! Oh, precisely, my Lord! And taste, as we know, is a question en l’air. Why should Cits, or Lord Chancellors either, be bored ith moot points of «esthetics? It’s jolly unfair. Our Beotian Babylon’s practical rule Is that money expended on Beauty ’s sheer waste ; So the man who disputes about Art is a fool For that’s purely a matter of taste! An architect’s quarrel—between pot and kettle—— Think of ing a fuss 2 propos of a Bridge! The Court of C. C. all such questions should settle, Undisturbed by the buzz of the critical midge. CARNARVON, and GRANVILLE, and Grey may talk trash, About designs marred and fine structures defaced ; But our CHANCELLOR—bless him !—such twaddlers can smash With, “‘ It’s purely a matter of taste!” Blow Beauty! It bothers us Britishers so, We can’t get the hang of it, try how we may. ides our prime object is Trade, don’t you know, And we can’t let mere prettiness stand in its way. Some say since we ’ve scarcely a building in town That is handsome, imposing, artistic, or chaste, That to = our best bridge were the work of a clown ;— ut that’s purely a matter of taste! Mere beauty don’t count at the banker’s, you see, And esthetical plans do not turn in a y: Trade must have way, and it’s fiddle-de-dee Thenks, tay ENE Titeear comielns eards they ane poitte s, Mm Co! ey are ! : Gay Wench: cranes oh ren to waste ; ** Tt is more like an ’s view than an Earl's! ”— Alderman ‘that ’s purely a matter of taste ! OUT-OF-DOORS REGISTER FOR THE WEEK. EATHER-Match at Lord’s (Monday).— Umbrellas versus Waterproofs and Goloshes. e um- pires to be supplied with swimming- belts should the weather necessitate the precaution. ‘uesday.—Grand Submarine Regatta. Diving-bell ats, with crews in divers costumes. Course > —the bed of the Thames. Wednesday.— SS Grand Shower Siow . in all the London Parks. Thursday.—Gar- den Party, under canvas, in a fash- ionable suburb. Thunderstorms, wa- terspouts, and hail- storms, at frequent intervals. Friday.—Grand Swimming Race over the Derby Course. Open to horses of three years old and upwards. Saturday. —Magnificent display of the whole system of London Waterwor Hours, 1 a.m. to 11°30 p.m. inclusive. GLORIOUS APOLLO! New Song. ‘‘ The Sun has set.” The “setting” to music by Mr. Watrer Avstry. Another result of the wonderful weather. It ought to be very popular this unseasonable Season. Plenty more meteorological subjects at hand for this rising Composer—or rather this setting Com Here are a few suggestive titles—‘* Where is the Summer , alas!” “ Hal! Frowning Morn!” ** Hoist the Cone!”—a _ song. ‘‘ The Tar’s Farewell to Fine Weather.” ‘‘ See the Ce ring Zero comes !”—a barome- trical measure. And a Glee, with words altered to suit the season. “Under the greenwood tree, A fool to lie you ’d be, To catch cold and sore-throat, Till you cannot sing a note, Come shiver! Come shiver! Come shiver! ’Tis plain to see, No summer there ’ll be, But winter and rough weather !"’ “ The Weathercock proclaims the Morn!” And the same Composer could write a new tata suitable to this Summer, entitled “ The Fire Screen.” ; Brayo! Master Warren, let us have the sun set to music. It’s the only thing that remains to be done with it. A Speaker’s Assistant. Nolumus mores, any more than leges Anglia mutari. Nevertheless, ight not the Srzaxer of the House of Commons as well be pro- i jeg | the Presid - of the e ~ Chamber of we — a Bell, purpose 7 necessary, wi ructive Home-Rulers. Or, if a Bell © cht seem 0 servile imitation, what would the Collective Wisdom say to a Chinese gong ?

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af | = i PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AAUt s vy NA NA a) ae t EARLY ** AND WHAT DID YouR GODFATHERS AND GODMOTHERS a \ 3 Se TK 7 ? DIKE, on a le Yy. Ks iNet Voi EXAM. THEN FOR you ?” ‘*Knire, Fork, AND ’Poon !” CHARLES, OUR FRIEND. Tinks to Messrs. Macmintan for the Memoirs of Charles | Muthews, Architect, Author, Artist, and Actor. Everyone was interested in ‘** Cuartey” Matnews. “‘ CHARLEY was our darling” ever since we can remember going to the play, and | yet who ever thought for one moment seriously that a time must inevitably come when CuarLtes Marnews would have joined the majority, and when pag ape oe playgoers would shake their heads regretfully, and say to the cadets of their families, ‘‘ Ah, you should have seen Cuartes Marnews!—‘ Cuanrwey,’ as we used to call him !” Yet so it is. And, while his memory is still so brightly green amongst us, that we can hardly realise the fact of his having left us for good—for the best—and almost prefer to imagine that he has only gone away for a longer trip than usual beyond the Antipodes this time—** to the Sawannahs,”’ as poor old Joe Willett softly mur- mured,—his autobiography comes to us, pleasant and chatty as the | man himself. Who but thinks of Cuartes Marnews affectionately, whether | they knew him personally, or not? He had the popularity of the | Second CHARLEs without his vices; and, unlike the First CHaRLes | our Cuartey, *‘ Cool as a Cucumber,” never lost his head. We got into the way—old and young—of looking upon him as a ‘*‘ seape- grace’ to whom everything was to be forgiven because he was such | a good fellow. We identified him with his characters: he was equally to us Charles Coldstream as he was CHartes MATHEWs ; and we looked upon his Affable Hawk as himself down to the & j= By! without the “* Hawk.” “ Imitate CuanLes Marnews!” cried out some one in the Gallery to Mr. J. L. Toote while giving his imitations of Puetps, Fecuter, Bucxstoneg, &e. “I shan’t!” shouted Mr. Toozz in reply. ‘‘ I would if I could, but Cuartes Maruews is inimitable !”’ The public took a sort of kind old fatherly view of their favourite, and were inclined to shake their heads at him, and say “ Oh, Cuargtes, Coaries!” like Sir Oliver in the School for ndai, | and then forgive him as a young raseal up to anything at any age. No matter that his autobiography clearly and emphatically dis- avows this view of his character, the oulitie has made its ideal CHARLEY, and to that tradition, in spite of his most earnest dis- claimers, the public will stick. The first volume is far more characteristic—more Mathewsy—than the second ; and the idea will occur to most of his intimate friends, and to many of his acquaintances, that there are in existence sufficient materials for a third supplemental volume, much of which would come under the head of ‘ Supper-le-mental Anecdotes.” CuakLes Matuews was Charles his Friend to everyone, and never more so than at those late, pleasant, genial meals, when he ate little, drank hardly anything, refreshed himself with a cigar of his own peculiar brand, talked much, and always well. The most interest- ing part of his autobiography is contained in the first volume; while perhaps the most amusing is to be found in the second, where his public speeches are recorded. If Messrs. MacmILian and the Compiler will take this hint, we shall have to thank them again for a third volume of Mathewsiana to complete the set. “THE WREATH REFUSED.” Atrrn—*‘ Celia’s Arbour.” “Lord BEACONSFIELD has refused to accept the People’s Tribute, the Golden Wreath, purchased with the 52,000 pennies collected with such unheard-of exertion by Mr. Tracy TuRNERELLI.’’—Event of the Day. In Tracy’s sanctum, black as night Hang, doomed wreath—so hateful now !— And, haply, now Lord B. won’t bite, A place thou ’It find on Tracy’s brow! And if upon thy leaflets bright pots of corrosion we should see, _ We'll know they are not Ay of slight, But tears of pity for T. T.! ““Minpsummer Nient’s Dream” (June, 1879).— Blankets and Eider Downs. [Jury 5, 1879, ———— aw atts aw MA crip epvrTr WeTITIT! @ LWIA AUT ..

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jvcty 5, 1879.

Ismarz. “ ‘GET OFF!’ BISMILLAH! WHO’S ** The Suttan’s firman has arrived at Alexandria, ' — PP, SQ 77> => DS | ee —<

we << Be we = ~<a HOW ABOUT THE DONKEY? TO GET ON? ALL THESE FRANKS—OR SON TEWFIK, WITH THE PADISHAH BEHIND HIM? PLEASANT LOOK-OUT FOR THE DONKEY, EITHER WAY!” pronouncing the deposition of the Kaeprve, and the nomination of Prince TewF1k in his stead.”"—Reuter’s Eastern Telegram.

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Juny 5, 1879.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 309 r *7ARRY AT THE GAIETY. WARNING IN TAVERN WINDOWS. Dear CHARLIE, ve seen her! I’m sure you'll at once understand who I mean. There is only one * her” now in town, and that’s Saran, the Gaiety Queen. Every gent as is really a gent, and a lover of chick and ler bow Is bound to have seen Sanau B., so yours truly of course ’ad to go. I’ve bin picking up French a bit lately along o’ my new chum, ALFones, Who acts as a garsong—that’s waiter—at one of them new Restorongs, I can patter it proper, I tell yer, and feel to be quiteintheswim; And as ALF, as I call him, likes plays, why I went to see Saran with him. Rum name, don’t you know; don’t sound French, more than Betsy or Emity- NN; But you hear it all over the shop, like one once heard, ‘‘ Whoa Exma!” old n the window of more than one public-house is posted an adver- tising placard of the D. T. play, Drink, illustrated with a series of pictorial faces re- presenting the several stages of D. T. _Temper- ance Public- houses? Yes, Temperance ; but not Total Absti- nence. Establish- ‘ ments for the sale of intoxicating liquors, they dis- play, however, a > caution admonish- ing the purchaser not to imbibe them in intoxicatin man. All our Pros feel their nose out of joint since this Comerdee Frongsay lot came, And finding ’twas quite ler fromarge, I was bound to be fly to the game. “Ot?” Ohmy! In that Gallery, Coantre, Old Nick would have found it too warm, Which two-and-a-tanner is stiff, but you do have to pay for good form ; And oh! sech a swell lot below us, the regular crame deller crame ! But I noticed most on ’em had books, though, and minded ’em too, all the same. They do put on the pace in their patter, them French do, remarkable ’ot, And though I'd straight tips from ALrones, I must own as I missed a rare lot. But if some of the Swells didn’t ditto, I’ll eat my old hat, which it’s tough— Though they tried to look horful Aofay,—wot in English we’d call up to snuff. quantities, an : 2 ask a wet I Genet af ego y= I tell you, old feller, not — ! Feeclatinn ae s dry, CHARLIE, doosidly dry, and for spice our theayters can’t touch. : y From wot I ’ad ’eard of French plays I did look for a bit of a lark— practice of true temperance. Isn’t this as it should be Pink Dominos style, only more so, but blowed if ’twas up to that mark. Nothing pointed, you know, and no puns; all the ’igh perlite droring-room BRIDGING A DIFFICULTY. style, Lots of naughty-nice business, I s’pose, but so wropped up in smirk, shrug, and| Tae London Bridge Bill ha been handed over by smile, j ? : : the Lords to the rash cas, Sion of a Committee, That yer couldn’t lay hold on it somehow, like some sorts of scents, my dear boy,| Mr. Punch takes eppertanity of throwing some light Which you never can git a fair sniff at, and consequent can’t arf enjoy. on the matter from his private -box, Froma —y 3 | & ie my Saviouse strong, no French salads ¢ foaflays for me, fallonige = en we TO ee when you are in for a joke give us one as a fellow can see. ‘ stan. 66 Canta’ Atrones talks about Gallic fine ess, wot the dickens it is I don’t know, th - A Pad che Cxmmentiens ban vith Sienly, onry eee But French filagree ’s not to my mind, I like more of stuff, substance, and go. he = Je to pay its own expenses. This * simple And Suse P on CHanite, she "s fotchin , there ain’t no two ers about that, ~ Cast away the coping, oy epee ee dy = e made pooty picturs when standing, an tier ones when she sat ; all such superfluous stuff, getting a fair market- = But she’s cut jest a /eetle too fine for oh faly. No, give me Crorserr, it; then flatten the faces up and down river, and paint the As I think you would say is a stunner, though Saran’s the Toothpickers’ pet. | Whole a bright vermilion. This done, Jet it all out, at so much a foot, for advertisements, and there ee meg pee But take ’em all round, well, I tell yer, I think they ’re a bit of a frost, penny of your money back! As to taste, a ridge is made ey on | ty not being puffect, no doubt there wos some things I lost; | to walk over, and not to stare at, I suppose? But even if ut there t seem nothing to brisk one, no rallies, no dances, no so: ‘ou come to looks, in m opinion there would be nothin Not a patch upon Terry, with Netty and Karr, as I sez to ALFonGs. at had areal Pag tn this side of Lambeth Suspension.’ “ RsTHETI ” finest ri s Then om *s WARNER in Drink, now, that’s business, good goods and no error—| structures vy Ay 5K AF. poo or! been rward I shall never forget that D, 7./ If the Froggies ’ud do Lassommor, hood be ayebng wats i = 2 * he aske, bard Wy, I'd go, if ’ twere jest to compare’em. I saw Croysert die in the Sphinks ; | after this any prblie monument is safe from the hands of But I guess she ain’t in it with Cuanie, although it is strikenine she the despoiler Think No, Saran’s the rage, there’s no doubt, with her picters, and coffins, and of York's column threatened!” He concludes yt ry Musseer Gor’s all the go, and the Cockxzrnes have nobbled the toffs and the | °>s st the euit people missing theory when weighed 55 ‘ “ ‘ But * style of French play ain’t my sort. ALrones says when we two go to *ConTRACTOR ” suggests @ couple tide of bri Droge erry for waggons, and one for cabs, on each the old one.” He'll show me the Real French Jam. Carn’t you come with us? trafic in King Wiliam Street, though ft wold cavtainly Toot a ~~ enliven the ver navigation ond posgess the merit of * | treading toes. ‘ e adds, *‘ Give Low ie We ih jan el timer for hat the Corporati * West w on Se SAY SEHR, doesn’t " try the Hyde Park dodge, and shut out the cabs At a late ecclesiastical meeting of some sort there was talk of and vans . if they must get Parliament against alteration of the Common Prayer Book. Quite apart across, round age, ganding Se and, lastly, anything doctrinal, there is, however, one e in that volume, of * Cuicaco” that he knows ‘a smart thing in the excision is dictated by the logic of facts. Can a saqeaative Body, wire in the flying ” though he should have thought to oe —— = = as —— ae ay y Rg for ee avinS Thatses dota the Borough Rood clean rook, wi' 1 “ ° PRIA, git sy deneney, continve to be spoken of s, “Tp Jph Court iate Grosewig by hart ok, ould are arueed the ALL IN THE SAME LINE, CH AZEL ing a ‘vine, Out of th of a Canon into the arms of an Archdeacon! May she be happy! yeast

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REG eB] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juuy 5, 1879, LA COMEDIE FRANCAISE. ’ Jones (who understands French so well, although he does not speak it), reading over List of Pieces to be played at the Gaiety :—‘‘*‘ Lt GENDRE pE M. Pornter.’ Way, WHAT GENDER SHOULD THE MAN BE, | SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW!” “CHE SARA SARA!” A RARELY-ENDOWED Soci¢taire of the Comédie Francaise has been supplementing her appearances before the British cablie at the Gaiety Theatre by private entertainments in the houses of some of “*the leaders of fu .” The little piece in which this charming actress plays has been written with a view to showing her proficiency in bg arts beside the a Pp r. Punch suggests that w! er present piéce résistance is worn out—which it must soon be at the present rate of Muxe. 8. B.’s run—something like the following (smartly translated into French) might be substituted for it :— “ALL IS VANITY.” Scenz.—A Studio, with Busts and Groups in Marble, Clay, and Plaster, with & all that is wanted for modelling and sculpr Bketches Pictures, with “‘ all that is wanted for painting’ Captive Balloon, with *‘ all that is wanted for fying” 3a Table, with “ all that is wanted for writing.” Enter Dr. Fever. Dr. Feeder, 80, this is the shrine of the goddess of the hour! | is here that she turns critics’ bewi statesmen, and leads the leaders of and of fashion captives of her bow—and smile! (Bows to Audience.) Surely even that test and most erratic of | © stars should have found her sphere at last! Ah, here she comes! Enter StELLA, dressed en Pierrot Galant in white satin, with a large diamond star in her nec Stella. Kind, good Dostor, Lam delighted to see ! Be good “(Strikes attitude, mough to observe expression of delight. chewing empwenion off delta to Audience.) If you had been five minutes later, my anger would have known no bounds. You ask is like when it knows no bounds? (70 Audience.) e this. (Screams, stamps, and shows her anger out of mething | bounds.) And yet I could doat upon you, with all the clinging ten- derness of a weak woman’s loving heart I could say—(to Audience), ** Be kind enongh to note the softness and sweetness of my voice,” — (to Dr. Fexper, tenderly)—“ I love you! Oh, how I love you!’ Dr. Feeder. led wan: show it b aepeeiing pgating sil my roses’ ey preverintone, ts to and —- my physic to the —_ ‘our genius insist on ware This balloon is eager, It will not fly away with either m,... It is my onl ne for taking the air, in this gas and Floyd ee “m= f Gets Swe car stliched to —_ nm, and asc to the ceiling. waiting for descends, a ts out.) ane alarmed. I have sosental ballon and a writen | ook out it. - I read repeat as JF as ont urriedly). no means, rous delight as i would be. Why waste * © seni , when vx the other Muses are waiting to welcome their sister rey ou paint f Stella, Paint! See here! (Seizes a ready-laid palette, a sheaf of pencils, and mahistick, and dashes off a tone-study of the greatest lady present. ) Now do you ask if I paint? Dr, Feeder, Charming! A new ‘aes And this modelling clay? Is it possible that the Muse of Sculpture too owns a sister in you? Stella, A sister—or a rival! (Quickly modelling a bust, a bas- relief, or a medallion of the most conspicuous public character in the Audience. ) You recognise the likeness. Dr. Feeder (after a and careful inspection). Not at the first ones. It is surely not CuaRLes THE F rest, nor Netson—nor Lord EACONSFIELD ? Stella (angrily). Preven stupid yon are! It is a portrait of —— (Here names cons sona Dr. Feeder. . the (yp —~ (bowing to personage) from \~ life! (Looking at watch.) And now I think it is time to go to - theatre, where your we. and an eager public are waiting or you. Stella. I shall not go. Dr. Feeder. Not ag That would be to fail in respect for the yaes and your comrades. Stella en I will fail! Iam tired out. Think of the entertain- ments I have 7 a crowds I have received, and the excitement I —_ vo gene eeder. ipamalios. except at the theatre. Reclia. As you say—except at the theatre. But Iam a genius: I cannot be bound by ordinary rules. I am worn out by my con- stant exertions . . broken by the rush of emotions, impressions, excitements—everywhere— Dr. Feeder. Except at the theatre. Stella (Sna es by fingers). That for the theatre! I am the great STELLA t is the theatre to me ? Dr. Feeder. But your comrades . . . . the British public ? Stella. Let them wait. Nothin stimulates curiosit; —¥ an eapeee tion. (Addressing spectators.) li m d friends but approve, I may snap my fingers at m my peat at the public. ont at everybody before po | behind the Curtain. (Zo Doctor.) Ah! I faint! Support me! [ Languishes and sinks on Dr, Fexpen’s shoulder in an appealing attitude, Tableau, HYPOTHESIS AGAINST HARVEY. THE pry the annual Harv Oration by Dr. WIxxs, F.R.S., at the College of Physicians on vursday last week, 1 may sug- gest the observation that there is no thinker going about and impugning Harvey's discovery. It is a wonder that a genius of the description of him who writes and lectures in confutation of GALILEO, does not likewise employ his eminent abilities in trying to rove Harvey also a duffer. If the earth is then of course it oesn’t revolve round the sun, and the revolution of - earth is all humbug; and if the revolution of the earth is hum! so also may be presumed to be the circulation of the blood. demonstration of its movelessness -— needs facts which might be any cited, = pag veity, by Se mamas the chubbern Susp are reputed to be; but extremely pliable The text of Dr. Witxs’s discourse was Harvey’s advice to his ieee to * study and search out the secrets of Nature by way of riment.” We fear that our friends the Anti-Vivisectionists be in favour of following the method of investigation = by Harvey. Our Woolwich Infants. (Dedicated to the “‘ Cadet Company”’ of the R.M.A.) Tue life of Xeuns Westatsh was once Spartan hard, And now A aot freer and gayer ; But Punch will x claeet Set reper oes ’Gainst black draught that “‘b t up” a FrrzMAYER. and directed envelope @@ To Consasronpanwts — The Bditor does not hold himeclf bound to acknowledge, return, af hy In ne case can these be returned unless accompanied by 6 should be kept.

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1879. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “*\ Berit !” 282 Clerical Cant, 41 Avsit Omen ! 298 Clerical Co-operation, 89 Adaptation from the French, &c., 90 | Clerks of the none (The), 289 Ad to the 95 Close Shaver (A), Agonies of ’Atcham (The), 65 | Colloquial Eoleeeien y, 201 7 —~ to no Common Degree! 2 | Colonial Boredom, 59 Alias for Butter (An), 154 | Colonial —— (A), 58 All in the Same Line, 309 | Coming Down, 5 A de 59 Coming Lion (The), 71 Am in She Common Law Ghosts Departing, 169 masons, 299 Andersons’ Golden Wedding (The), 277 Another Bogey, 1 Another Peg in the Roadway, 48 * Approach me as the rugged Russian Bear,” 265 Apropos in Advance (An), 130 ** Arcades Ambo” (in Two Arcadias), (0 ** Arms and the Man,” 154 Arms for the Enemy, 121 Compunctious Charity, 126 Confession (A), 281 Confinement in Church, 129 Contradiction iu Terms, 45 Conversions, 228 Uoronatus, non Pileatus, 89 Cosmopolitans and Cook, 85 Couleur de Rose, 297 “* Couvert de Gloire et de Farine,” 119 Cox to Crew, 153 Crown and its Servauts (Tbe), 69 Crutch and Toothpick Chronicle (The), 237 ’Arry on Niggers, 113 Daw Kearney, 252 ’Arry on the Higher Education of Wo- | (Dead) Letter of the Law (The), 47 men, 145 Demand and Supply, 38 Art-Medicine! 192 Development, 152 Dickevs's Dickensionary, 181 Art of Quarrelling (The), . Astrology v Metsorolegy, 22 Different Translations, 23 Atcham v. Hatcham, 89 Directors’ Balm of Gilead, 34 Athletics ‘> ht to be, 208 Dirty Weather, 78 Attaivin ty, 14 Disease of Debt (The), 109 At the 8) b of Be. Valentine, 69 ** Aut Cassar, aut — * 198 Awful Defection Backer for Blackie ie (4), 133 B. and C., 287 Reform os one, 73 Disqualified Leader (A), 169 Distress without Disturbance, 33 Dock Models, 52 Doctor and Donor, 205 Don’t all Speak at Once! 154 Drink ! 270 Drunk or Dying ? 47 Be in Time, 84 Dubbing a Duke, 97 Bells and their Baj 181 Duck of Ten Thousand (A), 173 er Spurs (The), *76 Duel dans Deux Fauteuile, 242 Best Possible Instructor of the Period | Easy Mistake (An), 205 (The), 73 Kcho of the Time (An), 102 and the uae, 77 Edison Extinguished, 63 Between the Years. Edisoniana, 13 Biggar’s Fenianism an Faith, 120 Bi or me gy 181 Blessings ia Disguise, 1 Bou uncing Butterflies, 27 “ Boys and Girls, nos techs 1” 192 30 Egyptian Account Current (An), 101 Egyptian Bonds and Bendsmeu, 153 Euds of Cremation (Tbe}, 138 Evgland’s Real Danger, 233 Evgland’s Thanks, 126 Bridging a a 9 Error (An), 220 British Farmer’s Thoughts aud After- | Esculent and Exciting, 52 thoughts (A), 187 Essence of Parliament 74, 86, 98, &c. paaes SP Up and meng Down, 35 Evergreen Vegetarian (An), 61 Burdens, 5 Examination Paper fur es Burning Shame (A), eo Candidates, 35 Cartrno-mancy, 179 Experience and Wiedom, 154 Cape Smoke, 1 Extracts from the Diary of an (Egyptian) | 3 tal Compromise (A), 276 Ennuyé, 171 Extra- ‘arliamentat y Obstructionist, 145 i 233 Extravagance or Economy? 179 Carol by a Coal “ey 239 Farmer Hawfinch’s Dream, 280 Cetewayo and Farmer’s Fortunes oe 157 Chancellor's Kiskobgors ( (The), 120 Far-Off Wars, &., Pas in the neily (ays 50 Few of the Wedding | o_o (A), 129 , our Figure for Farnbam (A), Cheer for Cabby (A) (ay 230 Fireworks and sie Ss “ Che Sara Sara!” 310 Fire-works at Woking, 36 Caucus, 69 Flour v. Gypsum, 25 o= Military, 153 Flower on t e Roadway (A), 38 Following a Good Example, 21 Food for Fellow Creatures, 72 Force of Example (The), 30 } |F | ase | Glorious Apollo Fox-hunting and Fox-eating, 89 France in a Fever, 45 Friend Bung’s Rewonstrance, 264 Hog LN 12, 16, ‘82, &e. rom jues (A), 165 Guide (The’, 285, G -. Welcome (A), 2 German Grab-Verein (Walimtted, 76 Gh st of bins, 109 | Gifts by the Way, 269 "30s Gates F and Not ms Worse, 183 Golden W (The), +8 Good Example (A), 49 Great , 28 Great Knox and Knox-Little, 228 —— at the 9 appy Return (A), “Happ rg pe Guide to London, 301 a Hero, Hint to the Mihir Directors (A), 13 | Honour and Business, 185 Honour Earned by Triumpb, 261 Honour Meme ee = Honour is Due, 275 Horatius and red 132 Horror in Byyelapeli H >orseflesh v. aa Ny 7 Horse for a Bweep age 252 Hospitals and Homes However he has topark Paes Excelsis, m 4 95 {no Succession, 72 Infants for Confirmation, 216 injyable Injia, 141, — 166, &c. E. M Ward, R.A.. 28 ‘In the Name of the Prophet—Figs!"’ 61 28 , 801 | [ee « Humaniores, 180 Litt! fo Comme iS ane (A), 267 Lords on—not in—Liquor (The), 144 Season (The), 300 Veri: Vertton Prevalebit, 2 | es ears ——v on the Deceased “ Mermaid,” More “ Heo " for Hawarden, 48 More ! cast, 185 Mrs. Gin; Expostulates, 22) Musty P Mutiny and Moderation, 1 NaTIoNat Tribute to Lord ,., 198 Natural Allies, 251 Necessity of the Times (A), 102 New ad of Lord Bateman (The), 218 New Caeety f (Fee), 2 New Juliet (A New Light Gan ta), 140 —— — ~ Red Hata, 229 ew Name for the New Manager (A), 59 aw Year's Gifts, 6 , New Year's Wishes, 1 New Zodiac Company Limited, 293 Nine Reasons Why. 185 eer for — True), 252 Nothing file Gas, 239 = like Understanding each othor 3 No Trust, 71 Not so Backward, after all, 228 Not so Easy, 174 Not Unlikely, 252 OBLIiviow the Best Epitaph, 288 betruction—and its Remedies, 204 “Of One Miad. (For once !), Old, Old jis 8word 8 Old Women in the City, 16 On a Lowe View of Li ure, 169 iy Ni 183 Other W "of Looking at it (Th ), 222 ay ec) r American Sbhipwrigh

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eo Ye MAES, Ca ae e = es 312 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Jouy 5, 1879. Out-of-Doors Register for the Week, 305 Out of Range, 214 Over a Grave, 227 Owed to the Spring, 161 Pacnypermatous People, 252 Palace of Art (The), 70 Patchwork; or, Making up a British Regiment, 107 Paternal Punishment, 215 Peace, Peace ! 37 Penances for Lent, 101 Pen-Peathers, 120 Petits Pois A la Pélerin, 287 Pharisees Out-Phariseed, 138 Phenominal Power of Digestion, 119 Phrase-Book fur the Use of General Officers, 109 Pictures (not zee) Accepted for the Ruyal Academy, 15 Pious Wish tan 156 Pith of Smith (The’, 84 Pity a Poor Chancellor of the Exchequer ! 162 Pity a Poor Roof! 5 Pleasant and Cool, 228 | Pleasant ct (A), - | Pledgers and Pledgees, Policeman “ A” on Ppa P iceman “ A” on Popular sare, 960 Poor Fellah ! 174 Port v. Phylloxera, 144 Preachers in P. Press Regulations for Oommand- ing Armies in the Prince Chancellor in his (The), 33 Prince Imperial (The), 298 Prince Leopold's New Order, 101 Prince's Te ¢ (The), 97 Prince wi ie (A Principles and Prison Tho a Prig. 77 Progress oy Rhectorests Projecta submitted to rd to Fanch, 147 Promise at Parting ( Punch at the French 7, 23 Punch, Introducer ot Ambassadors, &c Punch’s Account of the Boat-race, ee Punch’s Greeting to the Young Oop, 7 Punch’s Nursery Rbyme for Sir D. Wolff, 277 wm Punch to a Mile on the Rigti Put the Saddle on + it Horse, 181 Queen's Pardon, 14 Queer Site for a — 285 Query of the Day (A), Questions and Question to be Asked (A), Question to be Very Much Asked, 28 Quite Low eno , 109 Quoth the Jolly J.P.’s of Aberystwith, 193 KaproaL Reformer’s Prayer (A), 1 Railway and Social Synonyms, 137 Railway Liability, 108 Railway Passenger’s Catechiem (The), 15 Range Finders and Red ts, ay Rank and its Responsil 19 Rare Chance for a — 24 _ Inference (A), 90 Centenarian (A), Baal King of Comat (Too) 1 a Reasons for Repeal Cotton Du’ Reason hae (The), 210 —- Employment for Young Ladies, 276 Respectability and Religion, 288 Riddle for the Races (A), 252 Right-down Clever Horse (A), 221 Right Hat on ht Head, 157 Rorke’s Drift Roll-Call e), 188 Royal Academy's “ Hon. Members” (The), 216 Royalty Set to Music, 215 Sare as a Bank, 33 Salisbury on the —; 215 Savings in Prospect, 1 School-Board and Pee, 109 Science at Bea, 144 *‘ Scientia Docet,” 258 Scientific Causes and Effects, 70 , 59 — ander Difficulties, 5 Seat of Learning (A), 173 Soquiter (A), 57 a (A), 27 have a Statue’? 193 Testimonial’? 150 Shall Sir have a Ship for the Silver Streak (The), 120 Shooting, not with the a -Bow, 197 Shopkeepers v. Stores, 37 Somé Passages the Something like a Family Man, 253 eS So a Something to —y ty Song of the Song of the the Slade Pre Professors (A), 288 Song of the Store, 5 Sons of N Ae | Mars, 276 7 217, 229 Treading on Fairies’ 4 Tributes, and how to Acknowledge them, ing, 2 Useful Information, 5 Very Delicate Subject (A), vo Last — the Anak Tithe) 65 ery Lucky, view on Bike (A), 60 a from ee 4), 84 Warm — to May A), 234 Warning in sag ¥, jows, 309 Weapons of War, 1 “We should be newen,” 34 Weston’s Great Walk, 60 What on the First, 149 “ What's we 7 ¥ indo ! 150 What *s the Good of What we ave come to—early 228 What will he do with it? Williaa: Lioyd Garrison, S61 bition, 100 Wisdom in a Wainut Shell, 130 Wisest and Best (The), 27 Wishes at the R.A., 300 With a Difference, 251 With Mr. Punch’s rete, 60 “ Wolf at the Door” ), 18 next Kastern Loan, 96 | Women’s Work in the Parish, 173 Woolwich Cadet of the Future (The), 298 Word to the Craft (A), 174 “Wreath Refused ae 306 Year's Good Work (A), 1 LARGE ENGRAVINGS. * Aur Coosar, aut Nibil,” 198 and his ‘Burdens, 55 Cad and Clod, 1) 15 the Course,” 246, 247 John !” 79 “Disty W % Disillusion (A), 271 Di rm “ Fellow-Feeling |" (A), 285 Hercules and the Waggoner, 43 ercules aggoner, oan ee Mme nie a Lesson (A), 91 New Driver (The), 258, 259 New Year's Gifts, “OfOne Mmd.” (For Once !), 31 Old Sword (The “ On View, Poor Fellah ! 175 Return to Paris Unseasonable Seasoning, 283 Upsetting his 63 Vote of Thanks (A), 127 **Wolf at the Door” (The), 19 SMALL ENGRAVINGS. ApvavytaGE of Dining with a Physician, 114 Anti-Vegetarian Old Lady (An), 49 Apple-Coster’s 's Recommendation (Ap), aa Artist’s Model’s Idea of Good Looks, 7 Asides by a QC. and an A.B.A., a Bank Holiday Swell (A), 263 Between the Years, "s Bust, 226 Jones discussing Robinson, 108 Brown's * Tumble in the Snow, 46 Brown's Waltzing Partner’s Advice, 59 Bus-Driver’s Girls (A), 147 Butter cu: rs Marriageabl Captain Jinks’s Notion of an Apiary, 102 Carrying a Rifle in an ——-, 205 Cc ay Pte my iy n the , 78 — ‘8 enge a ANS Ay 267 Gouk’s Analysis ‘em Copying the Last New untry Dealer’s *Chromoe’™ ay 63 On the Dead ee oe Crying Royal Marine (A), 27 279 Definition of “‘ Neither Tall nor Short,’"156 Derby Four-in-hand and Costermonger, 2538 Det a Lady’s Flattery, 238 Doctor's 5 mr Tre (A), 214 Doubtful Oyster (A), Dressmakers at Goiamme eant ‘8, 174 Educated News! i) | Electric Light of (The), 11 Emily en) Fred's ie um) = es Girl at porsen wey Churchmsn (An), 21. Pair tio’ Quaetinn vo Benth (A), 370 Farmer's ys andan a Picture, 243 Dum Giving a Baronet a Penn } be meg sd Godmother Duties, 306 Hamilton's 8 Lemon on Saying “ Please,” 186 Horse on A Hill House for ed 219 Housecneld Seeking a Situation (A), 87 How to Politely decline an Invitation, 191 Indian Officer’s ‘ion of Parliament, 106 Irish Postman Weather, 112 Irish Witness in an Assault Case, , 255° Irish woman Ds oy Pébeaket Ourati 252 Jack’s O —- John fer Jones reading Provsh Play, $10 310 Jones's wadvige t to Bachelor Bf wonte tate and — 18 uven' . Ladies’ Lady A Sixteen Pictures (A), 183 Leice Squiress and Stable Boy, w | Lieut. Spooner’s Shadow Signalling, 124 Little Arthur’s Choice of ag 166 Little Boys and a Long Dog. Little Donkey-Rider going => 6. rvert, 123 Loftus and Dufferin ieving Guard, 7 7 Major’s First Lesson in Skating (The!, 2 Married Couples growing Like each other, 250 Marshal Macmahon Qui’ Power, 50 Meaning of an Overflowing a, 171 Melting a Stout aw Military Patchwork, 107 Missed Shot like Deferred Pay, 142 Modern Burlesque and Greek Art, 30 Mr. Macstingy’s Christening Gift, 207 Mrs. de Tomkyns’s Mrs. Tomkyns’s Musical nena ing, 988 Much too Clever Youth (A), Naugbty Republican oy cThe), $8 New Footman and the Hired Carriage, 51 New Irish Footman and Visitor, rie Ninth Introduction toa — (A), nowing him when Washed, oh ft insets, 266 Nurse’s Visit to the Christy Minstrels, 35 Observing Lent, 193 Old Gent and Bull in a Lane, S New ina Agent, 58 ew Policeman Lost Child, 97 Price of = ae Presents, 27 Punch’s Mystery — $1 Punch’s Valentines, 62 ro 2 Stone under Grandfather's “ - Be ” es pm Wren (4), ), 108 Railway Result of not wip ian ya Widow who is too LONDON | BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.

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